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TheOnion | Ear_Of_Genetically_Modified_Corn_Begs_For_Death | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Let's start off in Minnesota where yet another celebrity sex tape has surfaced this time The steamy tape is an audio recording of radio star Garrison Keillor Seemingly engaged in a variety of sex acts the website radar online posted this seven hour long Recording on their website this morning and we have a clip here all these fresh things coming out of the garden the rhubarb Are ripe and people picky rhubarb now for weeks they have been and strawberries Keillor has so far made no comment about the tape which at one point includes the prairie home companion naughty boy Narrating a day in the life of a turn-of-the-century Homesteader while he is believed to be receiving oral sex from two women. Take a listen.
His mother was hanging up pots and pans After the noon dinner the day was Friday Don't stop She would sweep the floor with a broom.
Keep going. Let's go to st Petersburg, Florida now where the FDA has linked the deadly E. Coli outbreak there to several employees Not washing their hands after using the bathroom FDA spokesman Steve Hoyer address reporters this afternoon. Take a look. I just I just I I would like to You know urge the American people to go ahead and wash their hands after handling their own feces Because honestly and maybe you don't know this It's not safe to eat human feces wherever you are wherever you're sitting get up and go wash your hands With soap and now moving on to Alabama The safety of genetically modified food is once again being called into question after an ear of corn begged for death Sinjin the corn's creator released a statement assuring the public that there was no danger to the food supply and it reads Just because the corn is sentient and in constant pain doesn't mean it's unhealthy or unsafe to eat Just ignore the corn Brooke just goes to show you tiger that people will complain about anything. Yes, they will |
TheOnion | China_Launches_First_Willing_Manned_Mission_Into_Space | In what international observers are calling an impressive display of progress, China successfully launched its first willing-manned mission into space today. While more than 50 Chinese astronauts have been launched into orbit since the inception of their space program in 1956, former truck driver Zhang Tang was the first to go without being forced.
I have committed no crime, nor have I insulted any party leaders. I knowingly volunteered. I want to go.
Speaking from the site of the launch, China's national space director Sun Laiyan called the mission a historic step forward for the nation. This is a testament to the progress of the Chinese people. Today we send a man into space fully conscious and without shackles. China's first manned mission to space occurred when political prisoner Yang Liwei was knocked unconscious in his cell and awoke to find himself in orbit. The second flight was crewed by two journalists and two college professors. Chinese officials say the willing-manned flight is due to improvements in their space program, which now includes food and helmets for their astronauts. A crowd of 2,000 citizens gathered to watch the historic liftoff, many of whom were only mildly coerced into cheering. They didn't need to use a tad dog to get him into the spacecraft. We have come very far.
Once soldiers came and took away my father to be an astronaut. They said they would burn our house down if he did not go.
This is a much better way. In order to fix any technical problems that may arise while in orbit, Zangtang has been provided with a hammer and two nails. We are putting great trust in Zangtang pending the success of the mission. We may even consider equipment upgrades that will make it possible for shuttles to return to Earth. The space program was initially designed to rid the nation of dissidents, but the program was reimagined as a scientific endeavor when it was discovered that beating people to death was far more cost-effective. |
cracked | the_eyes_have_it_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to episode what's in the box of does not compute proudly presenting those parts of the internet that didn't make It past hosh. O's legal team I'm your host most of a statue and my co-host this week is extreme bodybuilder Rodrigo Feras now Rodrigo is not an English speaker So unfortunately, he can't explain exactly what makes his body so extreme But I believe it has something to do with his tits So Rodrigo in your video descriptions you refer to yourself as it are we to infer that you two are repulsed by your water balloon like appearance I Will take that as a no Wow. It's kind of mesmerizing. I wonder computer initiate marina bakarin simulator And hey speaking of ruining one of God's great masterpieces today's topic is the eyes have it and by it I mean been stabbed repeatedly if the eyes are the window to the soul then I guess Eyeball tattooing is like installing stained glass windows although stained glass windows usually aren't horrifying or surrounded by the face of a career criminal Yes, David both Jess and his cellmate illegally tattooed each other's eyeballs while in prison.
I'm sorry David, but I've got to ask the obvious You know, there's an old expression it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick Do you know what the it is referring to in that sentence? Literally anything anything is preferable to what you just did to yourself and you know why it's painful It's like somebody who's taking hot ice cakes like stabbing the back of your eyes. No because it's Yes, actually that's exactly why you shouldn't do that that and the fact that the next time you make an escape attempt I guarantee someone's making a crack about catching the red eye although on the bright side your chances of getting shower-raped Just plummeted. You know what I'm gonna do to you man.
What do we sorry what you never mind?
Hey, I get it you're in jail you feel like your whole life is over I mean who's this guy trying to impress He's gonna be in lockdown for four long four years. That's it. I've spent more time on the toilet So just to recap you let this dude with the throat tattoo who's serving a life sentence for conspiracy to commit murder inject prison die into your Eyeball even though you're gonna be out of jail in time to not be allowed to vote in the next presidential election I mean there must be some legitimate reason you thought this was a good idea You never see anybody with them watching their eyes patching really you don't except for Bultures is so late See cuz there's one and you know you also never see anyone with their balls stapled to their leg Like the final frontier nobody's got it done Are you sure cuz I just googled eyeball tattoo and it kind of looks like everyone's doing it I mean, I don't know what the computer lab situation is at prison these days But next time you might want to try plugging your idea into a search engine before mutilating yourselves or you know Do whatever this guy says I thought black would be a little scary.
So I went with dark blue.
Oh My god, ah what? Oh god.
It's just me you scared the crap out of me for a second I thought your eyes were black what right? That's crazy. Obviously now I see their dark blue their dark blue, right? but for a second I was like In the end, there's only one thing certain about jail toing your own eyeball.
You have to be committed Unfortunately, our nation's mental hospitals are already overcrowded.
So it hurt. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that not what you meant?
I mean you gotta be serious about doing okay now that I can agree with kids Listen to the man never inject dye between the layers of your eyeball with a sharpened spoon Just because you're bored. Okay, that's what conventionally awful tattoos are for before you do anything crazy Try and weigh the decision with all the aplomb and forethought of a convicted fellow. I had blue eyes So I chose blue.
Thanks for watching gang I've been your host droid Michael Swain and this has been does not compute. Allow me to show you out Didn't make it past Tosh. O's legal team I'm your host most of a statue and my co-host this week is extreme bodybuilder Now Rodrigo's not an English speaker. So unfortunately he can't explain exactly what makes his body so extreme But I believe it has something to do with his tits So Rodrigo in your video descriptions you refer to yourself as it are we to infer that you two are repulsed by your water balloon like appearance I Will take that as a no Wow, it's kind of mesmerizing.
I wonder computer initiate Mirena Baccarin simulator And hey speaking of ruining one of God's great masterpieces today's topic is the eyes have it and by it I mean been stabbed repeatedly if the eyes are the window to the soul then I guess eyeball Tattooing is like installing stained glass windows Although stained glass windows usually aren't horrifying or surrounded by the face of a career criminal Yes, David both Jess and his cellmate illegally tattooed each other's eyeballs. Well in prison I'm sorry David, but I've got to ask the obvious You know, there's an old expression it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick Do you know what the it is referring to in that sentence? Literally anything anything is preferable to what you just did to yourself and you know why it's painful It's like somebody who's taking hot ice cakes like stabbing the back of your eyes. No because it's Yes, actually that's exactly why you shouldn't do that that and the fact that the next time you make an escape attempt I guarantee someone's making a crack about catching the red eye Although on the bright side your chances of getting shower-raped just plummeted, you know what I'm gonna do to you, man Huh?
What would uh, sorry what you never mind?
Hey, I get it you're in jail. You feel like your whole life is over.
I mean who's this guy trying to impress? He's gonna be in lockdown for four long four years.
That's it.
I've spent more time on the toilet So just to recap you led this dude with the throat tattoo who's serving a life sentence for conspiracy to commit murder Inject prison die into your eyeball even though you're gonna be out of jail in time to not be allowed to vote in the next presidential election I mean, there must be some legitimate reason you thought this was a good idea Really you don't except for bolsters is so late See cuz there's one and you know, you also never see anyone with their balls stapled to their leg It's like the final frontier. Nobody's got it done. Are you sure cuz I just googled eyeball tattoo And it kind of looks like everyone's doing it I mean, I don't know what the computer lab situation is at prison these days But next time you might want to try plugging your idea into a search engine before mutilating yourselves or you know Do whatever this guy says I thought black would be a little scary.
So I went with dark blue.
Oh My god, huh? What? Oh god, it's just me you scared the crap out of me for a second I thought your eyes were black what right? That's crazy.
Obviously now I see they're dark blue. They're dark blue, right?
But for a second, I was like in the end. There's only one thing certain about jail toing your own eyeball You have to be committed Unfortunately, our nation's mental hospitals are already overcrowded.
So it hurt. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that not what you meant?
I mean you gotta be serious about doing okay now that I can agree with kids Listen to the man never inject dye between the layers of your eyeball with a sharpened spoon just because you're bored. Okay That's what conventionally awful tattoos are for before you do anything crazy Try and weigh the decision with all the aplomb and forethought of a convicted fellow. I had blue eyes So I chose blue.
Thanks for watching gang. I've been your host droid Michael Swain and this has been does not compute Allow me to show you out |
cracked | how_fantasy_sports_ruin_real_sports_cracked_responds | Bada- ka-ba-pah-ba-ba-ba-da-pow! Hi, I'm Alex. And I'm Adam.
Welcome to Cracked's NFL Power Rankings for the week. This week we decided to shake up the rankings a little bit. So topping them off, this week, fantasy football. Fantasy football.
Everybody loves it, right? Everybody's doing it. That's what the stats say. It's played by 57 million people. If you don't play, you know someone who does. And the industry as a whole, if we can call it an industry, they're not making anything, is bringing $1.4 billion a year.
So I love fantasy football. I've made no secret about that. I've been in as many as three leagues at a time for years. But I'm starting to worry that the experience of watching fantasy football is actually ruining me as a football fan.
You know what I mean? It splits your brain. 100%. All of the time.
Right, because when I was just a football fan, I knew all the players on my specific team, which was the Steelers. And I knew a couple of key players on other teams that I was allowed to hate, like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, who I continue to hate. And just others.
Pre-tongues. He was in the polls. Pre-vernacular. Yeah, what a time. Brought him out.
Ray Lewis. So you know a bunch of players on your team. You know a couple of players from the other team. Now with fantasy football, I know everybody on every team.
And I care about all of them. And I hate all of them for one reason or the other.
It's like the difference between a half hour newscast tonight and 24 hour news. It's just way more bandwidth of information that I've never needed. It also ruins the sort of the fresh excitingness of a football game.
Like for instance, last year JJ Watt kept catching touchdowns. And everybody else in the world was like, JJ Watt, defensive player, catching touchdowns. How great is he? I wasn't happy for him. I was like, that guy, give those touchdowns to Arian Foster. I have Arian Foster. Go hand him the touchdown, JJ Watt.
You don't need it. Well, you pad in your offensive resume. You're going to try out for tight end.
Yeah, and if you're in more than one league, you start to make these elaborate schemes that are more complicated than that theft plot notions 11 in order for you to have a good time. In order for fun to be achieved, you need a world class deception and events that are impossible to occur. You need Eddie Lacey to play for four teams in one evening and for all the defenses to score interceptions with touchdowns, which are like season highlights. You need that four different times that one week in order to make your day go, right? Yeah, you need Matthew Stafford to keep throwing 98 yard passes to the one yard line. And then meanwhile, that guy, Bell on the team, knocks out the power in the city so they can rob the casino.
Exactly. And then somebody poses as Megatron, because we haven't seen his face, because he's got that glass shield in his eyes, right? Somebody poses as Megatron, catches a touchdown, rips off his face mask. It was Vince McMahon all along. It's me, Austin. Oh, son of a bitch.
A lot of people have three, four teams at one time, which is like playing roulette and putting a chip on everything on the board all at once. Then you're just watching spins happen, and oh, that's another event. That's another event. I won, technically. It's not possible to feel the elation of real winning if you play more than one league of fantasy football, because you're rooting for everything.
It's like rooting for the sun to come up. It's going to happen, but how excited can you get? If you can get excited, tell me how you're doing this. I want to know.
Yeah, that sounds like a good morning. It's really chill. You know what it reminds me of? It's that line from Mad Men when John Slattery lands in the fucking elevator with Don Draper. And then he goes, I woke up early and caught that sunrise.
And he goes, how was it? Average. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And that's fucking fantasy football. It's average.
OK, so one of the other nefarious inventions of the fantasy football era is Red Zone, right? If you've spent a whole Sunday watching Red Zone, you know exactly what I mean. You can't have fun watching that. The best case scenario with Red Zone is that everything goes your way, right? And it's touchdown after touchdown, which is sort of like having 17 orgasms happen all at once. That sounds great, right? But you want to have each one of them, you know what I mean? You want to run over each other. You want to have one at a time. And instead with Red Zone, it's like a fucking tidal wave of orgasms in the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, it's everyone else having one around you.
So in addition, not only is fantasy football a thing everyone is doing, it's also a thing everyone's money is funneling into in a way it's basically a massive casino that has blown up overnight. This company called DraftKings, in 2013, they brought in $45 million in entry fees. Which sounds like a lot, I know. In 2014, they brought in $304 million in entry fees. And we don't even know what the number is in 2015. We just know that this year they were able to go to ESPN and say, here is a check for $250 million in advertising in just over the next two years, which I think buys you ESPN. They also are having problems with inside ethics between the two companies. So they had a guy named Ethan, and I want to say that he worked for DraftKings, who made $350,000 on FanDuel, because they don't have any rules preventing each other currently from betting on each other's sites. So you literally have experts in this field who are allowed to play the game for money on the opposing person's site.
That's his job, you know what I mean? Except for his job, allows him to make much more money than mine is, and that's why I'm really mad. And it's not a small amount they're winning. No. They had to come out and one of the companies announced, well, our employees have only made 0.3% of the winnings on the other site ever. Which sounds like very little, but then they said, and don't worry, we're pretty sure that's less than $10 million. Because there's so much money going back and forth that that percentage, just that tiny amount, is more money than you'll ever make in your life.
One of the big winners last year, the guy who won a million dollars, his name is Peter Jennings, and I found out not the news anchor, because that guy was dead for 10 years. So this guy, Peter Jennings, won a million dollars, and you know what he is professionally?
A goddamn stockbroker. That's what he is. His job is to trade stocks. Those are the people we wanna make sure make money, right? Yeah, they need, they usually need two or three stock trader jobs to get by. So it's good that they can just freelance in this instead of having to take on a couple extra brokerages. Yeah, let's make sure we help out Wall Street, because they've definitely been helping us lately.
People are starting to compare it to the online poker thing, which by the way, it's about the time that these sites came into existence. Like right around the time that people were no longer allowed to do online poker for money, that's when these sites came into existence.
And all across ESPN, you're hearing people apologize for that. Like I was just listening to Bill Barnwell and Robert Mays' podcast on Grantland, and they were trying to make sure that like, hey man, we're not being told what to do by DraftKings. What? Of course not, right? But then they devolved into like, listen, greed's always gonna win. So obviously, if we were gonna do a power rankings this week, based on what we've been discussing, it'd be DraftKings, because they own, apparently, the ESPN and the NFL. I feel like they're one sort of like terrible hydra of sports-related information, and it's starting to become a little confusing. But this is the people's podcast, or?
Let's leave this era. Let's not even talk about something from, let's go way into the past. I don't care how far.
I will grant this. I'm gonna go ahead and say Ronnie Lott. What about Ronnie Lott?
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I don't know much, yeah, great.
Oh man, he's the best, Ronnie Lott. He was a great player. I'm not a Niners fan, but I'm a Ronnie Lott fan. Ronnie Lott, number one in the power rankings.
Moving on up. Brrrr. And there we go. So great episode, guys. He was really good.
Did you know he lost a bit of his finger? To play football? Like an accident? No, no, no. He broke his finger, and then they were like, Euson, you can have surgery, and be out eight weeks with a cast, or you can cut your finger off, and continue to play football. And he made the football decision, and cut off some of his finger. That happened. Yeah. That's crazy, right? That's why my fans football team's name is Ronnie Lott's Pinky.
There's not a good era, is there? No, no, it's always been bad.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching our NFL power rankings video. And we got a question for you guys in the comments. Yeah. What era would you time travel to, related to football, or not? The right answer was Rome. If you started typing something else, we know. It's definitely Rome, think about it. They had aqueducts, they're pretty good ones. Yeah, roads still work. Legion hats, really neat. Yeah. Come on. Private armies, back stabbings, senators, nothing bad about it. Baths, vomitoriums, londinium instead of London. |
ClickHole | how_does_yelling_become_a_law | Since the beginning of US history, yelling has played an important role in our legislative process. So how does yelling become a law?
Let's take a look.
It all begins when a constituent or a lawmaker has an idea they think is worth yelling. A citizen can mail that yelling to their congressperson, or open their mouth towards the lawmaker's office and just holler away. The lawmaker then yells a draft of the yelling at either the House or the Senate. Next the yelling is assigned to a committee based on its area of effect. So if the yelling concerns the budget, it goes to the Budget Committee. If the yelling concerns yelling for yelling's sake, it goes to the Casual Yelling Committee.
The committee debates whether it should be voted on as is, or if they should tone it down with a few intimate whispers. Then it's time for a vote.
Now the odds of yelling reaching the president are slim, but if it does, here's what can happen. If the president doesn't want to approve the yelling, they can veto it by screaming. But if the president does want to approve the yelling, they just go on TV and yell about the yelling. And that's how yelling becomes the law of the land. |
dropout | hardcore_casual_gaming_rap | Motherfuckers calling me casual cause I play Angry Birds I just spent 6 hours trying to freestyle that left Ain't nothing casual about it I'll kill you I false bitch, board game bitch Connect we fit, touch screen bitch See ya bitch, four bill bitch And words with friends, I'll have bitch I fuck and share games with my friends on Facebook I tried but you're blitz shit, now I'm sober But I am ain't show, Farmville is the best Bitch check your inbox, I sent you a request I just got the connect, yo that shit's so rad My body's a controller, I don't need a D-pad So I tried dance central, now my moves so smooth And when I play with my nephew, little bitch gets schooled My PC's all this shit, but it still runs a sim too I am such a bim sim, bitches give me woo hoo Your games might be cash, but I play your hardcore You let me hold your phone, already beat your high score Touch it motherfucker, you just sit on the couch I get my game on at the bank, while I check my account And you can keep your big titles Cause I'd rather keep the cost low App so cheap, wallets bought like cots Bitch, board bitch, matted bitch Motion control handheld bitch Flash game bitch, those in bitch And cut the robot short bitch If you're a real fruit ninja, wave your sword in the air Then charge a fucking produce like you just don't care Oh, I use the Mario Kart wheel Controllers more precise, just like that motion control fiend Just shit and fight me, cause my body's so slow Zumba's got me lookin' like a twilight wheel You don't stand a chance, so don't join in my wee bowling lane Or you'll see God like Kirk Cameron after blowing chains Try to fingerprint me, but my fingertips disintegrated Too much angry birds, got the evidence obliterated Oh, great, I am constipated, no sarcasm, I'm elated Time for me to grease all rated Fuck TV, they're overrated Touch screen warrior, game with my fingertip Cutting that rope while I squeeze out of fat shit iPad smudgy, but it's not like my game scratch Y'all need a new disc, I need winch decks Game top bitches, do them jump bitches Social games that abs are truth bitches Party games, bitches, exercise bitches Can I get a fuck yes for tiny weight bitches Swear words, wheel controllers more precise Just like that motion control fiend Just shit and fight me, cause my body's so slow Zumba's got me lookin' like a twilight wheel You don't stand a chance, so don't join in my wee bowling lane Or you'll see God like Kirk Cameron after blowing chains Try to fingerprint me, put my fingertips disintegrated Too much angry birds, got the evidence obliterated Oh, great, I am constipated, no sarcasm, I'm elated Time for me to grease all rated Fuck TV, they're overrated Touch screen warrior, game with my fingertip Cutting that rope while I squeeze out of fat shit iPad smudgy, but it's not like my game scratch Y'all need a new disc, I need winch decks Double top bitches, doodles y'all bitches Social games, that abs are tooth bitches Party games, bitches, exercise bitches Can I get a fuck yes for tiny weight bitches Swear words, wheel controllers more precise Touch screen warrior, game with my fingertip Cutting that rope while I squeeze out of fat shit iPad smudgy, but it's not like my game scratch Y'all need a new disc, I need winch decks Double top bitches, doodles y'all bitches Social games, that abs are tooth bitches Party games, bitches, exercise bitches Can I get a fuck yes for tiny weight bitches Swear words |
dropout | very_mary_kate_lost_in_translation | Thank you all for coming. I'd like to welcome our distinguished guest all the way from France, Mr. Olivier Sarkozy.
Really, you do better to applause this, chef. This cheese is a better representative of France than I. Ugh, no thanks.
I'm an Eritrean.
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Olivier Sarkozy. Bonjour. Je m'appelle Olivier Sarkozy. Bonjour vie.
Fianna, apple, maricade, awesome. American. My English is not so good. Oh, don't worry about it. My French is totally awesome. Charming.
So, how can I say, we're not so good? Le petit fitier a balloon. Don't realise that our country is not very good. So, we're not very good.
Oot. Je oui, pour je res quellete un capricorn. Ah, deux trois cachrissais.
I'm so sorry, but we must rush out. I'm due at the embassy for some international relations. Au before we go. Oui, sain, la vais, c'est.
I have to throw up some air. My head. Just squeeze them all over.
I just wanted to let you know that I won't be showing up in the middle of night anymore.
Why? I have a new man in my life, so I brought some of your stuff for my apartment. Headphones. Mm-hmm. Sunglasses. Your ecstasy pills. Those are not mine. |
dropout | too_many_twists_heist_night_5_5 | He was going on and on. I don't know what's going on in his life, but I don't deserve that. I work at a children's hospital, and I do this for fun. And this was not fun tonight. This was not a good time, you know? This is a charity event.
I'm having fun. I enjoy it.
Zach, give me the money. I'd love to, but the thing is, I don't have it.
What? But I thought you... Oh, do you want to know the real story? Happen like this.
We swapped out your briefcase full of money with the briefcase you're holding right now. But we knew you would suspect us if we left with your briefcase, so we transferred the money to a paper bag. And then Katie was ready to take it away while you never suspected a thing.
Yeah! We got you! Except you're still here. Oh, dang.
You know, guys, this is for kids. This is really messed up. What? This isn't even real money. You want the real story?
Tell her, Katie. I'm about to.
We made a bunch of decoy bags with fake rock books, in case you suspected our little bag trick. I grabbed a decoy bag while Allie took the real money and passed it through a tunnel that we dug, which you never noticed because you've actually been working out of a perfect replica of your office that we built just for this heist. That is all so unnecessarily complicated. You could have just taken the briefcase.
Yeah, well, it worked, didn't it? Raph's on his way out the door right now with all the money. I caught this guy skulking around outside with a bag of money. So I congratulated him on a job well done.
Yay! We got you again. Ha ha, yeah. What the fuck? Why would you bring him back here? Oh.
Do you want to hear the real story? Tell me the whole story instead of doling it out in these little tiny twists. Sounds like a yes. Sounds like you want to hear the real story. Is it really the real story?
Wow, Rekha. You're smarter than you look. Hi.
So, you want to know the real story? I don't give a shit about the real story, guys.
Just tell me where the money is right now. Right now?
Well, we put it... We started with the briefcase and there was...
This is kind of why we do the whole real story wrap up. Don't pin this on me, no. I kind of lost track, so this helps me remember what actually happened. Rekha, I just went to look at how much money we've raised and it's all gone. Sam, don't worry. I got it all under control.
What the hell is going on here? Oh. You want the real story? Because I was in on it the whole time, Sam. I'm the new cast member. Oh! Look at your face, Sam. This is my shit. Wait!
How does that make any sense at all? Rekha, if you were in on it from the beginning, then why would you guys need to do any of this? Weren't you just grilling them on exactly what happened? Was this all an elaborate excuse to live out an Ocean's Eleven fantasy?
No, not at all. This is Now You See Me. What? Wow. That is fucking stupid.
Subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
cracked | why_americans_suck_at_partying_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and Americans tend to think we have the best the world has to offer. Everything good has been turned into a cheesecake factory dish or a take-out restaurant and fed directly to our rich, scientifically advanced faces, right?
Well, it turns out, compared to most of the rest of the world and a lot of history, we suck at things like fun, celebrations, and partying. Sure, we've got Christmas and Halloween. Pretty great holidays, but so do they!
And they also have stuff like German Father's Day, a.k.a. Monertag. In the United States, Father's Day is basically Mother's Day with thoughtlessly given neckties instead of thoughtlessly given flowers. But Germans understand that dads don't want that same breakfast-in-bed bullshit that passes on Mother's Day. Which is why they have Monertag, a day for fathers and sons to fill a wagon with beer, walk into the woods, and get s***faced. As awesome as that sounds, it sort of undersells it. The wagging you roll out into the woods are homemade contraptions known as bollervagen, and they range from the beautiful to the awesomely functional. What better way to bond with your dad than to build a beer mobile with a barbecue pit built in? The correct answer is none. There are no better ways to bond with your father than building a rolling beerbacu pit. Monertag literally translates to man's day and is celebrated with brothers, grandfather, basically anything that identifies as a man and seems fun to get drunk with. It's not celebrated on the same day as Father's Day, it's just known as German Father's Day because they don't have our version of Father's Day because of course they don't. They're too busy quietly respecting each other.
Every July when somebody inevitably gets drunk and uses fireworks to badly mangle themselves, there's a general, hey just America be an America motherf***ers. If you can't handle it, get your ass out to Independence Day. But it turns out other countries look at our fireworks and are like, I piss explosions like this. I have Roman candles larger than this in my stool. These are all word for word quotes people. Point is, other countries have much harder core pyrotechnic celebrations. There's the Mexican Fireworks Sledgehammer Explosives Festival, so named because, well you can probably guess why it's named that. In Thailand they also fire Roman candles at the sky, they just attach them to giant awesome discs that spin skyward like steampunk UFOs and that don't always work out so well. Or perhaps you prefer Appellia, the annual Scottish festival that doesn't f*** with the sparkly works part of our 4th of July equation and just hurls fire at ships to celebrate their Viking heritage because how else are you going to celebrate that?
Legally that's the only music you're allowed to play over that footage. Wow that's legitimately terrifying. You'll notice they have removed the traditional Viking boat accompaniment of water.
Wouldn't want any of that around you when literally everything around you that isn't nailed down is on fire. For people who find that to be too controlled an environment, there's always Adri St. Mary's burning tar barrel festival, in which people carry a barrel of fire over their heads until it breaks apart. At which point someone finds themselves holding the contents of a roaring fireplace in their bare hands.
It's the sort of achievement through the years you work your way up to doing the men's barrels. We're trying to guard the tradition to keep it to the same format. No, dad's getting old, there's a lot of rollers which are coming out of their prime now and we're coming into our prime and it's down to us to carry on the tradition and make it something we can still have it for our kids in the future. As long as my body's willing I'll be there.
Lucky winner. And of course there's Bolas de Fuego, the El Salvador holiday in which a town of Nejapa divides themselves into two teams, picks up flaming balls wrapped in kerosene soaked rags and wings them back and forth at each other. Of course they're wearing wet gloves, which probably isn't doing much for that guy who just got hit in the balls with actual fire. But the greatest fireworks festival happens every Easter, that time of year in America where we get dressed up in paisley finery and search for dyed eggs supposedly hidden by a bunny who leaves baskets of candy and green plastic grass.
Just take a moment to appreciate what a complete word salad that sentence is. Anyways, every Easter in Greece, two neighboring cities shoot homemade rockets across the valley that cuts between them in a combination fireworks display city-wide paintball fight. The all-night bombardment is called rocket war, or rocket top-ele-mos. Always have to add one too many syllables, don't you, Greece? Anyways, it's f***ing rad.
The goal is to hit the other town's church bell while making the sky in between the towns look like Baghdad at night circa Operation Desert Storm. Timely rough. Worth noting that this all takes place while mass is going on inside. The goal is to hit the other town's bell before mass is over and... They spend the year leading up to Easter making the rockets with their bare hands.
So there's even an element of box-car derby mixed in, if box-car derbies were the most fun you can have without access to another human being's genitals. Speaking of other human beings' genitals, electronic dance music festivals have a certain spicy musk to them. If you're American and don't know what I'm talking about, I don't really blame you. Here's the promotional video for one of America's biggest EDM festivals, the Electric Daisy Carnival. It appears to combine the subtle relatability of Cirque du Soleil with the cheerful consumerism of millennials, all wrapped in a soccer stadium in the desert. What's not to love? Well it turns out for European EDM fans, the promise of smelling thousands of sun-baked unwashed butts isn't enough on its own, so they add some flourishes. For instance, that's Tomorrowland, a festival in Belgium that comes with what appears to be Castle Grayskull being filtered through an acid trip. Or perhaps you prefer to worship at the foot of a giant, fire-breathing modern art installation at the Awakenings Festival or the Ultra Music Festival. God, you gotta love how Euro these names are. We have the Ultra Cool Music Man. Time Warp Festival appears to happen underneath a living, breathing final boss from the NES game Contra.
Or Mystery Land, which appears to take place in the middle of the forest from a midsummer night's dream. Full disclosure, most EDM shows look like hell on earth to me, as I'm the rare white person who doesn't like taking MDMA and doing the same dance move for three hours in a row. But it doesn't matter what the activity is, I'd rather do it next to a castle than trapped in a Baptist tent revival that worships glow sticks and body odor in the American desert. Every May, the Bolivian Andes explode into a sort of nightmare spring break. Now I know it doesn't look like fun in the traditional sense of the word, but imagine your town had one day each year where enemies could square off with each other with total impunity, get it out of their system, like a fistfight the Purge.
Second someone bleeds on the ground, it's a wrap. And you don't have to feel bad for punching your coach who took Little League too seriously because your mom has a fist full of her nosy neighbor's hair in her hand, yelling, I'll stop when you bleed, bitch! Talks like clubber lang for some reason.
A sociologist who studies these tribes compares it to American high school football, which is sort of right. But imagine that each town in Texas only had one high school football game a year. It was three days long, it was the only time each year anyone in town could drink, and the whole family had to play.
I'm not saying it's necessarily better than our Christmas. I'm just saying, until you've gotten historically drunk with your grandfather and then fought the kid who never grew an inch after he bullied you in elementary school, you can't tell me it's not. Oh, do you guys like to party? Tell me about it in the... I can't get it. You guys have your own weird traditions that I didn't highlight?
Film them and send them to my house and I will personally watch them. It won't be creepy. Promise. Or just tell me about them in the comment section. Thanks. |
cracked | 5_awful_lessons_video_games_teach_you_about_relationships | I bet you say that to all the girls. Hey, uh, how does this tie look with this jacket? Vulnerable? Great. It slims your neck. How's this cloak look with these boots? In the game, dumb shit.
Oh, happy Valentine's Day to you too, my loneliest friend. I'll have you know that we have a very special evening plan.
Her? Game Girl? She has a name. It's Fartknocker. I take it they let you name her. I don't know. It's just what I call her. She has no personality traits, and she says like four or five things on a loop. You know, women.
That sounds more like a digi-pet. Yeah, but with boobs. So what is this? Some kind of like, sex simulator you jerk off to? No. I wish. Graphics are always like four generations behind on perv games. No, this is like a respectable put down roots, family man, find your soulmate sort of thing. A lot of games are doing them now.
What are her values? You know, what's she passionate about? Why her?
Her house is conveniently near a chest where I keep all my shit. You're still bowling though, right? Obviously.
Why would I do this? But you know, it's not crass like that. You have to like develop a trusting relationship first. Why do you do that? Well, if you don't hit them with your sword, that's good. Chicks dig sensitive guys. Then you just like buy them stuff and give them stuff until they want to do sex stuff.
Then the game fades to black, but you're like, don't be coy, game. I know what's going on.
Yeah, it sounds pretty sexist, dude. No way. Because you can do it to a dude as a dude or a girl. You can do whatever to whoever as whatever. That just makes it not homophobic, not dumb.
Well, it's just fable. I mean, lots of games have dating mechanics. You got Mass Effect, Kotor, Dragon Age, GTA. But you can date in Grand Theft Auto? Kind of.
I mean, you go to strip clubs and you touch the strippers when the bouncer isn't looking. But if you touch them enough, they go crazy with loving it and they want to have a threesome with you. Strip clubs absolutely don't work like that.
Maybe not for you. GTA is a bad example. Take Mass Effect.
You can have like two, three dozen conversations with your significant other about their lives or, you know, whatever, real stuff. Wow, three dozen conversations.
Aren't they worried such advanced AI will rise up and enslave humanity? Exactly. It's the kind of nuanced storytelling that is elevating the medium to the next plateau of reality. So it's you give them stuff till they have sex with you. Yeah, basically.
But I mean, isn't it? No. No, man. This game is messing with your whole view of relationships. No, it's not.
It's just saying that if you give someone enough presents and compliments, it fills up their love bar and then they let you do the minigame that makes them come and then you have a baby. That's human love.
That's all that I'm saying. The game is saying. We are saying. I am one with the game now. I am game. Okay. Well, I got to go.
But I want you to know I am deeply concerned about your real life penis. Don't be. Masturbation exists. I knew it. Not to the game. That's my wife. It's gross, dude.
Don't listen to him, baby. He could never understand.
If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos. There's I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I what? Thank you. Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad.
We got there. All right. |
cracked | 5_childish_mistakes_every_movie_makes | Hello internet, I'm crack senior editor Tom Ryman. I know we've had a lot of laughs together But today I'm here to talk to you about a serious problem for some reason there are a handful of very basic Concepts about the adult world that filmmakers have yet to master They just go at their subject matter like a kid playing with a bunch of action figures making up what seems like the correct rules For grown-up land to better suit their stupid infant baby game because that's what movies are baby games number five Nobody knows how money works watching the Dark Knight Rises is like watching a six-year-old trying to write white-collar crime fiction I understand it's a Batman movie and Batman operates in the sort of heightened reality where terrorists dress up in Halloween costumes and commit themed atrocities But that's why they generally blow up circuses instead of making complicated financial attacks because the people who write Batman movies have no idea How any of that stuff works for instance Bane staged a terrorist attack against the stock exchange the next day All the Bruce Wayne shares are suddenly for sale and the FDIC doesn't see a problem with this They would have instantly connected the share oddities to the terrorist attack and shut down all trading until the extent of the damage was learned They wouldn't let people just resume trading the next morning. Also Bruce Wayne is immediately penniless They show up to repossess his car at Wayne Tower This is a man who in the same series of films purchased a hotel with a personal check There is no way Bruce Wayne leased his Lamborghini That was a birthday gift to himself that he may or may not have paid for by buying the entire dealership The bank also forecloses on Wayne Manor a mansion which according to Alfred has been in the Wayne family for generations Although apparently there's still a lien on it. The Wayans just don't own that joint free and clear sure It burned down in the first movie and he had to rebuild the whole thing But wouldn't insurance cover most of that you're telling me Bruce Wayne doesn't have a billion dollar policy on the house It's been in his family for hundreds of years furthermore The power company shuts off his lights within like a day or two Which you legally cannot do even if the person just went broke the power company doesn't sit around waiting for a phone call from the Bank telling them that you just lost all your money Correction that all of your stock holdings were stolen in a terrorist attack You have to default on your payment first and then they're required to give you several days notice before they just disconnect your service Because shutting off the power can put people's lives in danger. Also, Bruce Wayne has no personal wealth No bank accounts. No trust fund. No liquid assets to speak of his entire fortune was dependent on those Wayne tech stocks There isn't a single fucking safe in Wayne Manor rhetorical question. We know there's a safe We've seen it when Catwoman tries to steal Martha Wayne's pearls while dressed like the opening credits to wealthy pornography They even take all of his furniture because that's what happens when people go broke in movies The bank just comes to your house and takes everything regardless of whether or not you actually have any outstanding loans on which you offer Your antique millionaire chairs as collateral night rises Number four the police have weirdly stupid rules and virtually every movie and TV show about cops ever produced The police are required to read people their Miranda rights when they arrest them or else the arrest doesn't count cops only have to Miranda as a suspect when they're about to question them.
If you don't their testimonies immiscible. That's it. Well, that's not it It's actually a pretty big deal, but it doesn't mean that the arrest doesn't count You have to let them go yet that dumb non-existent rule continues to show up in movies It's like we have this block that prevents us from learning too much about how the police actually work 21 Jump Street is by no means meant to be an authentic police procedural But a huge plot point hinges on the fact that Jonah Hill forgets to Miranda as a suspect when he arrests him And therefore is forced to let the dangerous drug-dealing murderer go free. This movie came out in 2012 They could have typed any part of that into Google Oh looks like the police don't automatically have to release you if they forget to say their magic police spell Also, every time movie cops come into contact with bricks of heroin or cocaine They always taste it to make sure it's actual contraband and not a time-wasting sack of sugar real police Don't do that because a that's a sack full of heroin friend and be that's a good way to get yourself poison because you have no Idea what's been put into that batch? Why would that be the way to test the drugs? That's what labs are for You don't lick the bloodstains at a murder scene. Let's see a side get in there Number three people speak nonsense to bartenders no one in movies orders drinks correctly Everybody uses fancy drink terms with no knowledge what they actually mean because it sounds cool to stroll up to the bar and say Give me whiskey straight up if you ask a bartender for a shot of whiskey straight up They're gonna ask you to clarify what the hell you want because that term is gibberish Let's break it down when you order a drink up that means in a martini glass or pretty much any glass of a stem Straight just means straight from the bottle or don't put anything else in there Which of course they wouldn't if you ask for a shot of whiskey, they would assume you just wanted the whiskey It's the same thing as ordering a drink neat But neat doesn't sound as cool so people in movies don't say it ordering a drink straight up doesn't mean fresh squeezed alcohol or extra booze Or anything you're not telling the bartender to stir your gin with the matchstick stained fingers of a private detective All you're sitting to do is hand you an expensive puddle of burning liquid in a fancy stiletto glass You might want it chilled because that's literally the only reason to ask for a drink and a glass with a stem But you probably don't because you're an infant baby person repeating something you heard in a movie number two People in movies use phones like Monsters people in movies hang up on each other in the middle of phone conversations because that's apparently what important professional adults do Seriously go through any movie or TV show and count the number of times people actually say goodbye Or literally any other word indicating the conversation has ended before hanging up their phones It looks cool because it makes it seem like the characters are busy and important with busy and important adult things They just don't have the time to let their friends and co-workers know they're finished speaking to them or that they've had some kind of Breakthrough that's about to blow this case wide open But as you may have noticed this is not a thing that grown-ups do unless they're angry with each other or actively being murdered Try hanging up on your mom or your best friend at the end of a random sentence You know what don't even do that. Just try hanging up on anyone You know the very first thing that's gonna happen is that person's gonna call you back and say oh my god Is everything okay? We got we got cut off there I don't I don't know if you're mad at me or if you're currently being stabbed to death But either way I felt the abrupt way in which your terminator interaction required a follow-up conversation Every time Fox Mulder hangs up on Scully in the middle of Scully frantically shouting his name You can bet the next time they speak Scully is gonna be like I have been trying to call you for three hours I thought you were dead I thought my best friend in the whole world was lying dead in a vampire mansion Couldn't have farted out one tiny extra word. Let me know you're okay before hanging out the phone fox Your breakthrough was so urgent. You couldn't say hey, I've had a breakthrough.
I'll call you back later Terrible way to conduct yourself Number one crimes against children don't count if you're related to them and you're sorry lawyers and judges in certain movies have been known to Excuse the main character's litany of dangerous crimes as long as they can prove They've come out of the whole experience as a better person Robin Williams and mrs Doubtfire gets to see his kids again despite the fact that he committed several acts of fraud and defied a court ordered custody agreement In order to dress up as an old woman and continue living in his ex-wife's house because the kids are sad Sally field gives me old sally field is mad at you But she can see you've learned your lesson speech and she goes to judge to appeal the custody ruling But no judge in the universe would agree to that This man disguised himself as a british nanny to spy on his ex-wife and their children The court wouldn't suddenly reverse its decision just because the parents decide they're not mad at each other anymore That's the exact reason why family court exists. The same thing happens in big daddy Kind of Adam Sandler kidnaps a child by pretending to be john stewart masquerading as the kid's biological father in order to keep him Illegally imprisoned in his home. He proceeds to feed the kid nothing but garbage for weeks and then names the kid frankenstein fucking frankenstein The kid is like six. He already has a name He's not a rescue dog Anyway, when sandler never really gets arrested and has to go to court to explain the completely indefensible thing He did all of his friends appear as character witnesses to testify just how much Adam Sandler learned during this hulk or fluffle His ancient lawyerly father even makes an appearance to the shit all over him before begrudgingly admitting that Yeah, he's a good dad We get half of a moment of reality when the judge is like hmm That's nice But prison shall be your reward today when john stewart suddenly realizes that the kid was his all along and tells the judge He doesn't want to press charges saving Adam Sandler from a trip for the big house I mean, it's great that john stewart doesn't want to press charges But Adam Sandler still kidnapped a child and defrauded social services in order to keep that child Doesn't matter that your child's father forgave you or that you reconnected with your own father in the witness stand You stole a person from the government at the very least.
They're gonna make you fill out some kind of form Hey everyone, thanks for watching that video fun fact There is the solution to a centuries old murder mystery hidden somewhere in there So go back and watch it carefully and let us know what you think the answer is in the comments below Also like and subscribe None of what I just said is true at all. I don't know why I said that something compelled me to do it. Um I think we all just better just better get out of here and pretend none of this happened |
dropout | We_Can_t_Turn_Off_the_Tutorial | Okay, team. One more punch and finish off this monster. Rodney Cloverfield.
I tell you, I get no respect. Whenever someone sees me, they scream and they run. And that's just my doctor. How could such a huge monster have such tiny self-esteem?
I know, right? I kind of feel bad for him. Maybe he should get help. Did someone say help? Hello? I'm helping.
I accidentally just activated the Ultra Megatron's tutorial feature. Hey, wow. It looks like you're trying to punch something. Have you tried using your arm? Yes, I have. Cancel tutorial. Hey, wow. Almost. Try again. Have you tried using your arm?
Go away. I'm gonna just ignore it and finish the job. But it won't shut up.
Okay, Trish, do you have the manual? I don't need the manual. I have all the information we need right here. Great. So how do we turn off healthy? Oh, I don't know anything about the help feature because I knew I would never need it.
Is this the winner? You know, maybe I don't need to fight anymore. Maybe I could just do something with my life.
Wow. We covered a lot.
Cancel. Cancel tutorial. Leave me alone. Shut down.
If we can't get it to think you've passed basic training, maybe we can get it to think you've failed it? On it. You may have noticed Arm's tutorial failed. Training afforded. All right. I think that did it. Remedial training initiated.
Hey, wow. In only eight short months and three long ones, you'll be able to move just like this. Hey, wow.
Did someone say help? All right. I'm calling Dr. Boshi. He'll know what to do. What? You all want me to be part of the ultra mechatron team? Well, I don't know. I got a lot of things going on. Wait.
Don't choose someone else. I'll do anything. I'll even form the a**. Why can't I be the a**? He's saying...
Went straight to voicemail.
Hey, last time. Last time. One big time.
Tell my wife I love her. I can't find her. Tell my best friend she'll be under him.
All right. Arm's tutorial ended. Now beginning, Leg's tutorial. Your date when... Run!
Hey, kids. That video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun? Ads. Kind of like this one.
Yeah, you can watch the rest of this episode on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
And never have to see us in another ad again. Ultra Mechatron Team Go!
It's a cat that's copying us. A cat who copies us? It's some kind of... facsimile feline!
Hey, kids. That video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun? Ads. Kind of like this one.
Yeah, you can watch the rest of this episode on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
And never have to see us in another ad again. Ultra Mechatron Team Go! |
dropout | 50_shades_of_paul | All right, if you'd just slate your name and tell me the role you're reading for. Okay, great. I am Paul Scheer and I am reading for the role of Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. All right, great. Let's jump right in, right? Okay.
Found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your body.
I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank. Again, I can't get through the spank part.
What is this book about? I gotta be honest, full disclosure, I didn't really read the book, you know? Is this about, like, butt stuff? So I know Fifty Shades of Grey is based on Twilight fan fiction, so I got something prepared.
One second. Okay. Ah, my name is Christian Grey and I want to rip your butt. All right, cut.
These aren't working for me, these teeth. I'm sorry. I apologize about that. I should have gotten these fitted.
Okay, so Anna says, he's my very own Christian Grey flavored popsicle. I don't get that. What's Grey flavor? Is that, like, a grape? But I don't know. Grey seems so, like, Grey. What does Grey taste like? I'm, like, a big old, like, how you would taste if you, like, licked Joe Biden.
What I'm saying is, she made a mistake. Because Grey isn't a flavor of popsicle. It just isn't. I'm not saying she's a bad writer.
Just one quick question about the script. It says, my character is soft and hard at once. Like, steel encased in velvet. So am I, like, a robot?
No. You sure? Mm-hmm.
Because I made, actually, I made this. I am Christian Grey. I've come to your planet to do butt stuff. Hey, Paul, can we turn up the sensuality?
Oh, yeah, totally. You got it. Ten-four. Oh! Oh, yeah, you like that?
You like that cheese dick? Oh, yeah, what does it taste like? It tastes like Grey. I want you to become very well acquainted with one of my favorite, most cherished parts of my body.
Cold. Warm.
Oh! Wrong side. Bingo! Got it. Okay.
I want you to become very well acquainted with my penis. Thank you so much for your consideration. And also, if it was unclear in the audition, I just want you to know that I am very comfortable with sensuality.
And butt stuff. What's that? Butt stuff. |
SaturdayNightLive | titanic_alternate_ending_saturday_night_live | Yes, there was a man named Jack Dawson and he saved me. in every way, a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. he exists now, only in my memory. Wow, that's an amazing story, Rose. Yeah, that's messed up. three years I thought of nothing but Titanic, but I never got it. I never let it in. Well, now you know the whole story. come on, Grandma, you must be tired. you've been talking now for three hours. you need to get some rest, Okay? Yes, I am. hang on a second. you left out the part about what happened to the diamond necklace? Oh, you mean the heart of the ocean? Well, I'm afraid that that's another story for another time.
Well, we got the time now. you got the time, Keith? Hell yeah. See, we got plenty of time. Well, you know, they called Titanic the Ship of Dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. that's just great. Look, Rose, I've been listening to this hack romance novel, Crapathon, all afternoon. Now, enough, enough.
Where's the necklace? Look, my Grandmother needs to sleep, Okay? hey, Granny can sleep for the rest of her life after she tells us where that $20 million diamond necklace is. How much? You mean, I've been waiting tables at Pizza Hut for the last six years while you've been sitting on $20 million bucks?
Come on. this heart is a deep ocean of secrets. Lady, I'm going to split your head open with a two-by-four in about five seconds if you don't start talking. I'm not sure what you're talking about. Where am I? I'm sleepy. All right, that's it. this is for, listen to that stupid foreign story. come on. come on, let me get some. come on, hold me out of here. it's hard. All right, this hand's going over me. hold it, hold it, hold it. hold it. this is broken. this one? it's okay, Rose. everything's going to be all right. I was just talking to Jack, and he wants you to tell me where the necklace is so the two of you can be together forever. But, but I don't. just, just hold on a second.
I think she's telling the truth. she doesn't know where the necklace is because she wasn't even on the Titanic. her story is so full of holes. Titanic went down on a Monday, not a Friday. the skipper of the Titanic was Captain Smith, not Captain Steuben. and Bob Seger was not on the Titanic.
Ladies, what Daryl says, true? Oh, yes, it is true.
I wasn't on Titanic. there was no Jack Dawson, no diamond. I just wanted to ride in a helicopter before I died. he did lose my virginity to President William Howard Taft. would you like to hear that story? Huh? anyone? Hi, I'm Jim Cameron.
And what you just saw was the original ending to my film, Titanic. I decided to change the ending after a disastrous test screening in which the audience tore up the seats and set fire to the theater and chased me down the street, booing and spitting. I'm presenting this original ending to you, the Saturday Night Live viewer, in the hopes that you can see beyond the fact that it's stupid and crazy and ruins the movie. and realize how cool it would have been to see a really old lady get beat up. So, for Saturday Night Live, I'm James Cameron saying you're the king of the world. Thanks. |
cracked | a_series_of_the_worst_nicknames_ever | so you're my new partner new meat but partners like cops though not like gay guys the new Jeff guy everyone's calling new meat you you just call me that I don't I don't think anyone else is calling me that but yeah right you know what you need a nickname no I don't sure you do otherwise what am I gonna call you partner it's too long parts nerd how you doing there good to see a part Michael if I don't find out who the most underrated care bearers by three o'clock the chief is gonna throw me in a volcano I know fun shine bear right obviously but when I said that closes eyes and started firing wild do that tits no well something that's it this is officially my project for the day Sharon clear my schedule who are you talking to you know like Sharon that's okay I just need to get inside your head oh no you're not gonna try to mesh faces with me are you soft softy soft face no to which one well well well Michael and whole moist bottoms off to the fair is that my nitpick yeah you like it of course not we're not off to the fair we're off to the mainframe do some research feeling pretty good about playful heart monkey for number four but I'm not I'm gonna go on the tilt a whirl what just doesn't add up you should move Forrest friends bears to the two-spot what do you think giggle bits no tiny giggle bit no little tiny pants like a baby no tiny soul nothing tiny privacy Pete no captain's stage home alone shy gunman please leave me alone no no no one here is saying that Braveheart Lion was unpopular but we're talking about underrated here no semantics are important the piece implies a sliding scale of perceptual relativity that I know I'm aware of the supplemental Care Bear extended universe children's fiction stuff I'm aware of it I just think that when you get into the non-canon material you wind up alienating the core user I just no no no no no no no no not not you not you right I know hey what do you think about the n-word cuz I was thinking old dirty bass account no didn't let her visit who would want to be called that you lady fingers like the cookie and your dainty finger stop following me are you printing it now yes then can we finally do nickname stuff when were you not doing nickname stuff Hansel no not so silent II know and I'm still no T-bone wait yes yes yes really yeah T-bone hey guys is this the cop your sweet I'm new here T-bone wait that's your name like your birth-born baby Christian name your pet lonious bone that's even cooler than T-bone okay see you later Oh crapple team oh okay but something with alcohol though sniff turn no Alki barfi puke Zilla I don't even drink |
cracked | quora_user_thinks_movie_birth_scenes_are_real_featuring_clare_o_kane_quorators_clips | So this first one is a Hollywood question. This is Quinsultown, because all of our segments are Quora themed. I think it's an orange one, Alex, no? Yeah, it's this one. Yeah, yeah, it's this one.
Here in Quinsultown, we're seeing the top stars of the day and asking them questions. Is Leonardo DiCaprio, does his mother ever punish him? This question is, which hole does an actress push out a baby in a birth sense?
Now, Jeremy and I had a disagreement about this question, which is that I argued it as a medical question. I don't think it's a medical question at all. I think it's a medical question, but I wonder if they're talking about in a movie.
I think they mean scenes when they say sense. They mean to say scenes. In a birth sense? I think there's a- Also, that makes sense like that, too. I think they're saying, clearly these actresses in birth scenes are giving birth to real babies, but it's not the vagina.
But what hole do they keep those live babies in while they're waiting for their close-up? This is a good question. If it's for a movie, the baby comes out of the butthole. Yeah, the flap. You can put them up there, you can store them. It's kind of like a magician with the box with the lady in it and the swords. There's a special area that they put the baby. The hole in a sword sense. In a birth sense is such good for us. That's gonna stick with me for months after we stop reading.
She doesn't, she acts, is the answer. Yeah, that's the top one. She acts.
In a birth scene, you don't see a baby coming out. You see a woman sweating and swearing slash screaming, and a doctor muttering or praying and telling the woman to push, and then the baby is picked up and handed to her. So this is someone who knows it's an actor, it's fake, but the baby is real. Yeah, it's coming out of somewhere. Have you ever seen a movie where they use actual birth footage and you're just like, wow, that's crazy. It's really upsetting. It ruins the magic of the film for a second. I think it's in Knocked Up.
Really? Everyone's favorite movie. Yeah. Oh yeah, I haven't seen that in a few weeks. They took it off the airplane, so I can't watch it anymore.
Jeremy's pretty young. You might not know about Knocked Up. I'm 19 years old. You're the youngest person I know.
Post-Abattow. Okay, here we go. This is a video of a baby. Wait. Oh, this isn't friends. No, that's Giovanni Rubisi. You know what, you figure out who this is, but I am amazed everyone knew that they meant scene. I am too. It took you explaining to me that they meant scene for me to become game for this. I was so confused. In a birth sense. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_labyrinth | Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave. You have no power over me."
David Bowie only agreed to play the Goblin King on the condition that Jim Henson let him make love with the Bunsen and Beaker puppets, whom he affectionately referred to as Darling and Rajeev. Speaking of rock stars, Bowie wasn't the only international superstar to make an appearance in the film.
If you look closely, you'll also see a cameo by the most famous candle in the world. Here's something neat. This extended shot of Hoggle urinating is actually a subtle wink to Jim Henson's wife, who really loved to urinate.
Most of the film's grotesque monsters were borrowed from Henson's collection of private Muppets, which he'd line up in his backyard to watch him mow the lawn. David Bowie only settled on Magic Dance as the movie's first musical number, after producers expressed reservations over the original song he pitched, All These Monsters Are My Slaves and I Eat One Every Easter. You may be wondering how they got this baby to be so still and cooperative while David Bowie repeatedly hurled him high into the air, and the answer is that they sedated him with powerful drugs designed for horses. Neat. To create the horrific shrieking fetuses they used to torture this huge monster, prop designers simply removed the green felt covering from extra Kermit the Frog puppets they had lying around. You probably already know that George Lucas helped with the editing on the film, but perhaps you never noticed the sneaky little cameo where the Star Wars director appears as a terrifying column of black arms desperately grasping at Jennifer Connelly. Jim Henson chose 13 as a symbolically important number throughout the film because 13 was also the age he first discovered his father's secret meat locker full of Muppets, forever changing the trajectory of his life. Here's something impressive. David Bowie did his own stunts for the film, despite being three months pregnant near the end of shooting. If you look closely here, you can actually see his baby bump beneath his tights. Producers originally experimented with using multiple puppeteers to operate the massive Ludo puppet, but that proved to be unwieldy, and they ultimately decided on using a single puppeteer with a 10-foot-long arm instead.
Well, that's all the trivia we've got, but now that we've exposed some of the hidden secrets in this flick, hopefully it'll be like watching Labyrinth for the very first time all over again. See you next time! |
SaturdayNightLive | a_song_from_snl_a_christmas_song_with_the_muppets_snl | And now a very special Christmas treat from all of us at Saturday Night Live. one, two, one, two, three. Jimmy? Tracy? Tan? guys? Horatio, is something wrong? can I help?
Oh, hi, Kermit. hi, dear. um, I'm just a little blue because it's going here to sing my Christmas song with me. Oh, well, my guys can do it, right, guys? yeah, sure, sure. let's go. Horatio? yeah? you guys know my Christmas song? Yeah. yeah, sure, we know your song. you've sung it like three times a year for the last four years. Yeah, I mean, even Hans and Franz changed a few lines once in a while. Hans and Franz, Hans and Franz, Hans and Franz. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Wow, you guys really sing my song with me? well, sure we would. you ready, guys? Oh, yeah. all right, hit it. one, two, one, two, three, four.
Don't care what your mama says, Christmas time is near. I don't care what your papa says, Christmas will soon be here. All I know is that Santa Claus don't care about breaking all pie and all. he's just bringing goodies to boys and girls. and every nook and cranny in this crazy old world.
I wish it was Christmas and Day.
Get down.
I don't care about anything else, because Christmas time is near. I don't care what anyone says, Christmas is full of cheer. I don't care about the 5 o'clock news. I don't care if our lights blow out a fuse.
I wish it was Christmas and Day. into the good old Us of A. I wish it was Christmas and Day. Woo! All right, play it. it's Christmas! Yeah! |
dropout | The_Adventures_of_Kim_Jong_Un_Complete_Series | The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Written and directed by Kim Jong-Un Made by animators who voluntarily left their families and refused to paint them through the brim of a Kim Jong-Un Kim Jong-Un Kim Jong-Un Your show is the most popular show. Everybody loves it. There is only one thing wrong. Oh glorious stallion of liberty. The internet continues to spread lies about you, Supreme Leader. They are jealous of your power and good looks and dancing abilities. Hooray!
We need to make the wall higher, Bruce Willis. People are still trying to escape to North Korea. Look, our most handsomest enemy.
Stop him. I'm sorry Obama. I can't.
He's too magnificent. Right. Also he's probably bulletproof. He is. It's true. Oh great irony.
I make foot of Kim Jong-Un's buddy while I am the morbidly obese one. Top doctor say his weight is ideal for his height and build. I defecate myself in fear. Ah, you fight to the strength of one with any real friends who always laugh at your jokes.
His blue walking is too good. Such a talented dancer. Thank you.
American actress Veronica Mars.
The internet was holding me prisoner. You saved me Kim Jong-Un and my lady squirrel friend. We both are girlfriends now and want to kiss you. Without anybody telling us to.
I love you son.
Missile test will commence in 3, 2, 1. The North Korean missiles are the best missiles.
They're his only one problem. Oh most glorious centaur of virility.
The rest of the world doesn't believe it. We blame your old enemy, western media. Today's top story. Kim Jong-Un's jungling skills do not impress women.
I don't know how much longer I could print these filthy lies. Our alliterator has arrived. Block goblins, attack! He's too strong.
Retreat to the comments section. It's Avengerman Robert Downey Jr. He's Kim Jong-Un's best friend. Uh, duh. KJ, my man. I brought you your own Iron Man armor. You need more power. Take this my ally. Please be merciful. I was just jealous.
His juggling's so magnificent. Those lessons weren't a waste of time at all.
When journalism is dying, dying dead.
I actually brought you one more thing. It's from your dad.
Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un. Look KJ, his flow's so fine.
Missing his show would be a crime.
The punishment is castration by Donkey. The adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Today's episode, wet-lock ceremony, crisis hour, go!
Finally, the two most perfect human beings will be joined in matrimony. Oh Kim Jong-Un, nothing could make me happier than marrying you with my own free will. If there are any objections to these two being wed, speak now and face immediate execution. We object. Brightly Pitt, George S. Clooney, Ryan Gosling Reynolds. I don't care how handsome and well-endowed you are, Kim Jong-Un. B. Jo Su will be our bride.
But, but, but there are three of you and only one of her. In degenerate America, she can marry all three of us.
And this baby goat, which is also gay.
Attack! He fights with the beauty of a cherry tree blossoming in winter. But not well enough. Laser! You fools, your attack has weakened the barrier wall.
All the women who desire Kim Jong-Un for themselves are no longer restrained. If we can't have Kim Jong-Un, nobody can! Kim Jong-Un suddenly remembered he was the orphan son of a dying alien race. And his mere presence on this planet gave him the super ability to fly at great speed. Our deaths are the inevitable result of capitalist excess! I'm, I'm dying Kim Jong-Un.
Please, so that we may be together. Transfer my spirit into a robot that looks exactly like Anne Hathaway. My love, I'm alive! Let us go play Starcraft! Which I now agree is a worthwhile and masculine pursuit.
Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un, the adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Though theme song is never good enough for Kim Jong-Un! Many singers have died at the hands of Kim Jong-Un!
Oh God, he's coming! Please come help me! They're holding me!
Many years ago, Psy was a student of Kim Jong-Un, learning the ways of dance and appealing pudginess. Psy could not stand that Eun would always be the better dancer and go-kart driver. So one night, he snuck into his master's quarters, stole the sacred funk dragon, and used its power for personal gain and glory. You can beat me in combat Eun, but can you beat me in dance?
Now once they're dancing any longer, might as well surely melt out their sockets! I don't care! Me neither! You have sheer power, but there's this character you've never suffered! I'll destroy all of existence before I bow to you, Kim Jong-Un! The five-member explosive pop sensation technique! I thought it was just a myth!
Not only did you defeat Psy, you saved the community center and brought these orphaned parents back to life! Kim Jong-Un wins the Korea Ball Championship once again! Truly, he's the best at this sport invented in Korea, then stolen by craven, uncreative Westerners. Kim Jong-Un, I, Yao Mink, and also these aliens challenge you to a ballgame! Except they'll bring great shame to all of true Korea! Assemble your best players, and let the game begin! Kim Jong-Un, as shown in earlier episodes, can switch into four equally powerful Kim Jong-Uns.
This is now canon! An impressive trick, but you're still one player short! How about me? Oh my goodness, it's a Rodman! Award-winning actor and Korea ballplayer! Man, Kim Jong-Un and I have been on so many crazy adventures together, I just had to help a brother out! So, I guess there's no spot for me on the team then, huh? Alright buddy, let's do this!
Kim Jong-Un judged the animators' depiction of his Korea Ball skills unsatisfactory. Their deaths were swift and voluntary. He decided in his infinite wisdom to animate the sequence himself.
Let's get ready to rumble! This isn't over, Kim Jong-Un! Alien allies! To me! Yo, Kim Jong-Un, on to my shoulder! Just as your father would have carried you, was he not so busy with important statement? This ball is charged with my undying affection for you! I searched both China and America, but the true Korea Ball Master was here all along! Whee!
That was one crazy adventure, huh? How about some ice cream? Another adventure has reached its end!
Kim Jong-Un is my best friend!
Oh god, please rescue me, somebody please! Tonight's The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un has been cancelled. Please enjoy this episode of Typical American High School. So then I realize this is the only line I have in this episode.
Kim Jong-Un, look! It's moody, cool, new kid! KJ1, he's such a dreamboat! I heard he had to leave his old school because when he asked the girl to prom dance, every other female student threw themselves in front of the trains! He now must wear that dampening belt to keep his charisma levels below 500 at all times! I don't think he's that awesome.
My jacket of letters has five letters! How many does his possess? Not as many, I am sure.
You've got it! KJ1, I challenge you to a racing car race! Meet me at the corner of Streeton Avenue tonight, then we will see who is top banana!
Why a grave disappointment to their father would not show up. KJ will not show up!
Nothing could beat mine! Fin Diesel 7! 3, 2, 1, race time, go! You'll never beat me! I have made sure of that!
Save us, KJ1! There's no way he can rescue them and win the race! Unless... Our eyes are stuck this way now!
KJ1!
Today's episode, greatest leader nurtures his nation's future. Or new kids on Jetlark. What a fine spool. Your graduation to execution rate is outstanding. Thank you, metal minister. We are all so proud.
It will soon be destroyed to make way for a giant statue of Kim Jong-un. What, what, what, what? On whose authority? Kim Jong-un's.
Then it is a righteous and shrewd decision. This bull must be destroyed. Unless Paul Griffin of Gentility, the United Nations, holds their annual nuclear weapons contest. Top prize is enough money to build the best statue ever. Also this bull can stay probably.
He must be stopped. I agree, Bruce Willis. Only America and their friends must have bombs. This is fair and makes sense. Also, I hate helping children. Yes, and also that. Our bomb will win.
It is extremely powerful and ten times the size of a typical American penis. Oh, ha ha. Oh, that is rich.
I cannot believe you were serious. What a typically futile American effort. Paul will now see that true Korea has built that ass bomb. What nefariousness has transpired here. The Koreans are so dumb. They must have mistaken that animal for a thermonuclear weapon. Let this be a lesson to you, Kim Jong-un. Your one puny bomb was no match for our American brain mind.
Who said we only built one? The world will thank us for freeing them from their imperialism.
Okay, now it's time for a weekly summary of President Putin's exploits for children of nation. Monday, Putin tames six black bear. Tuesday, Putin restores sight to blind man. Wednesday, Putin discovers blind man is deviant. He feeds to tame bears.
Sir, I am so sorry. They hacked our signal. We will execute all children whose minds have been polluted by this filth ASAP. We have tracked the intrusive signal to Moscow. Again, I already punched meteor back into space. Kim Jong-un, most e-rail world leader, what is meaning of this? You impugn my highly rated critically acclaimed children program?
It was a ruse. Putin did not hack into your broadcast.
But sadly, my simple robo-mind cannot figure out who did. Moon, you are not just leader, also world's greatest playboy detective. Can you solve mystery?
Sorry Ehsan, but we need your chemical weapons for our collection. So hand them over. You won't get away with this. My friend Vladimir will protect me.
Will he? Or is he too busy fighting Kim Jong-un because someone broadcast his show over uns? Not a chance! But how? I thought you could trick us into fighting? Please, Kim Jong-un is too smart and unpimply for that. How ironic, you preach liberty, but would deprive a leader of the ultimate freedom to do whatever he wants to his people.
But I, uh, you see, health care. Yippee-o-kay-kay, the good and noble succeed.
But, but my, my chemical weapons... You are better without them.
Kim Jong-un, I know your charisma and comfort in crowded room has blessed you with many friend, but I would be proud to join their number. Today's episode, Mortal Desires from ruinous or Chris Moss be stopped. I am special! Give me Xboxes and endless positive reinforcement! Oh glorious leader, as true Korea's handsomest medicine doctor, can you tell us why our child has turned ugly and self-indulgent? I'm sorry to say, but he tests positive for Western decadence.
But how? We were so careful! Hmm, wait, what is the date today?
It is, of course, Kim Jong-un is great at handstands day. But on this day, Kim Jong-un held a handstand for a world record of almost 5 seconds.
So, by the corrupt Western calendar, it is gas, December 24th, you don't think? Trying to corrupt the youth of true Korea again, Lord Satan clause? Thanks to me, the world's children are all spoiled and ungrateful. True Korea will be no exception.
Adolf Lundgren, take them! We pleasure, master. Please, spare me. I know that there's one gift you've always wanted. That the great Kim Jong-il will never get for you.
Disney McMouse ears!
Nice try, but Kim Jong-un has long since purged such childish weakness from his noble frame. Second class is still coming to town! Who know, if these presents reach the children, they will be ruined. They will want careers in the arts and protein in their diet.
Huzzah! Hey Perry, Mary, Kim Jong-un is great at handstands day to all. And to all, a good night! And that is how, as midnight passed, that it became Kim Jong-un is also pretty good at somersaults day. Our glorious leader saved us from materialism and needless desire.
Curfew violation! Violators must be punished!
We do! Also, we find his cake intake to be normal and healthy.
And yet I still think these games childish frizzle-frazzle. This is the first clue to my incompetence? Your endless hours spent playing Pokemon will never help true Korea.
What? What is that?
Certainly nothing ironically proving me wrong. Kim Jong-un, I, King Cyber Nerd, am tired of losing online Pokemon battles to you. So I have brought the fight into the real world. My cowardice is revealed. This is truly the fate Minister Limp Penis Bat at his job deserves. I was wrong to take your Pokemon game.
Now go save your country. Kim Jong-un chooses both a soaring patriotic spirit. True Korea is only Korea. I have defeated Kim Jong-un's Pokemon. Now as holy law dictates, I am the leader of true Korea. Ha ha ha. So you might think, but by confronting Kim Jong-un in the real world, you have made one crucial mistake. Oh really? And what would that be? You have allowed Kim Jong-un to enter the game. I just like my paintings. Kim Jong-Chu, power blast. What is that? You wish to stay in your Pokemon form for the nation's safety? It is done. Those who find it odd will be fed to the poor of other nations since there is no poverty in true Korea or cannibalism. Kim Jong-un, the best they're ever won.
Another's arrow has pierced my heart. And now he has pierced ours. He's like Legolas with better cheekbones.
Kim Jong-un, how are you so skilled at the hunger Does not exist. I will explain with a relevant and truthful flashback. As a boy, Kim Jong-un entered the annual true Korea battle royale. Even as Kim Jong-il's son, the only advantage Yoon was given was a canteen of water, three matches, and a submachine gun.
Also, the other competitors were tied to trees. He won 17 times.
That story has done the impossible, made you more attractive to me. Let us make furious love this instant. No! A Kim Jong-un-Jaedor power couple would be too powerful! Internet nerds, attack! She loves us, not you! Quick, take my golden acting man!
You deserve it more anyway. I am so sorry. I was just jealous. After People Magazine called you Kim Jong-swoon I saved myself for you. But still, I know you kiss better than all men. I look like a sexy X-person sometimes.
I hope that is okay. Now let us go for a lover's jog. Truly, you have found the silver-lined playbook to my heart. It is late, sir. Do you require a sleeping cake? Kim Jong-un, my son. Ahem. It is true.
I was dead. But then, robot stuff happened, and now, here I am. I, your father, have returned.
Pah, weak and emotional as always. Disgusting. Now show me my kingdom. It is worse than I expected. You have completed none of my plans.
I know they do. Don't deny it.
There is only one clear course of action. Kim Jong-un must die. But sir, consider his accomplishments, his celebrity friends, his discovery of the female super orgasm. Meaningless. When it comes to Kim Jong's, there can only be one.
A Highlander quote. Hmm. An inferior Western film that failed to meet Kim Jong-il's cinematic standards. He would never reference it. You can't speak. Weird.
This cyborg was being controlled remotely. I will hack its mainframe and discover from where. Yes, hmm, hacking, hacking, continuing to hack. Aha! I have located the signal. Shall we follow it to its source?
Whoever was controlling the cyborg is here. Nick Mouse Land, Tokyo. If we are to remain undetected, we must try to blend in. Have a penis? Oh, Kim Jong-un, I should have known. Another robot. With numbers for eyes. Peculiar. Ah, you're awake. Welcome, brother.
Kim Jong-nam? Yes, it is me. The forgotten eldest son of Kim Jong-il.
I was heir to the throne until I was caught sneaking into Tokyo Disneyland. After my exile, I conquered this place and made it my kingdom.
After our father died, I ordered my Imagineers to make him a cyborg. To hunt out and destroy you. It would have been a fitting end. But now I must kill you myself!
You can't hurt me! I spent the past decade absorbing all of Western culture! Look at you. Deep down you don't even want to win.
You want to live in a world that has melted cheese, internet deviance and allows women to speak after dark. Give me control of true Korea. And you may live here sipping water beers and watching fairy tunes.
The orb of leadership! No, you can't! But he can!
And now I am... Wait, what's happening?
The pressures of leadership! Responsibility for the world's richest and healthiest country! It is working. Brilliant plan, sir. How do you deal with this each day? Hip hip hoorah! The pressures and responsibilities of leadership are once again yours. All is well.
Now come, let us burn this park, bleach the earth, and construct a monument to your father. It's not Australia, but it's a start.
At 8 p.m. on True Korea Only Channel, it's Rodman and Ugh, Crime Haters. One is a handsome ladies man, and the other overstates his fame to friends. I deserve this! Then at 9, it's Rodman and Ugh again, but this time they fight vampires. Don't worry. They can only hurt those who lie about being the world's most famous basketball player. It's a living nightmare. Then at 9.37, it's Rodman and Ugh, Handsome Suit Lawyers. Stop!
Then at 10.19, it's the same show, but we learn the lawyers are also doctors. Quickly, doctor!
Her heart has broken because a true friend made a commercial mocking her. This time she is. She is better, but she will never forgive the friend. Nor should she.
He then fed the Jews to pit worms and wrote it himself. Also, I am a worthless betrayer who cannot actually introduce you to Macaulay Culkin. Buy the entire Rodman and Ugh collection on Betamax and receive the bonus movie, actual footage of a false friend being tortured.
Okay, okay. In some songs, I am more famous than Jordan. For the world's richest and healthiest country. It is working. Brilliant plan, sir. How do you deal with this each day? Hip hip hoorah! The pressures and responsibilities of leadership are once again yours. All is well.
So come, let us burn this park, bleach the earth, and construct a monument to your father. It's not Australia, but it's a start.
At 8 p.m. on True Korea Only Channel, it's Rodman and Un, crime haters. One is a handsome ladies man, and the other overstates his fame to friends. I deserve this. Then at 9, it's Rodman and Un again, but this time they fight vampires. Don't worry, they can only hurt those who lie about being the world's most famous basketball player. It's a living nightmare. Then at 9, 37, it's Rodman and Un, handsome suit lawyers.
Stop! My brilliant partner's evidence will free that sexy lady. Meanwhile, I turn myself in for being a bad friend. Truly, the greatest crime of all. Then at 10, 19, it's the same show, but we learn the lawyers are also doctors. Quickly doctor, her heart has broken because a true friend made a commercial mocking her. Pistachios?
She is better, but she will never forgive the friend. Nor should she.
He then fed the Jews to pit worms and wrote it himself. Also, I am a worthless betrayer who cannot actually introduce you to Macaulay Culkin. Buy the entire Rodman and Un collection on Betamax and receive the bonus movie, actual footage of a false friend being tortured. In some songs, I am more famous than Jordan. |
dropout | fun_ground_zero_mosque | We try it, please! It is with great sadness that I announce our decision not to move forward with the Park 51 Mosque. Starting tomorrow, we will begin the search for a new location for our House of Worship, our Cultural Center, and our NBA Regulation Basketball Court. Wait, Basketball Court? Yes, you no longer need fair construction of our mosque's 500-seat Maplewood Basketball Court. Or its Olympic-sized swimming pool. Listen, we don't need your Terrace Mosque and we don't need your Terrace Maplewood Basketball Gym. Please, our only wish is to avoid further conflict.
We will go elsewhere to celebrate Eid al-Fitr, Eid al-Adha, and our holiest of days, Laser Tag Friday. Allah's laser adventure was to be the crown jewel in New York's Islamic laser tag community. Let me ask you something, Abdul. This laser tag. Would it have had smoke machines? Yes, also multicolored strobe lights.
They are rubbing their jihad in our faces. Al-Qaeda, Hamas! What more do you want? We have already promised not to use this site for prayer to Mecca, featuring live music from the red-hot chili peppers. I love those guys. Don't listen to this agent of fear, okay? His victory mosque is just the first step in a plan to destroy our way of life!
Wow, is that Street Fighter 2? Street Fighter 2!
Fear not, we've halted construction on all of our mosque's video arcades and skeebold parlors, and we have cancelled the groundbreaking of its IMAX 3D theater. Patriots, come on! I mean, this is what we wanted, to bring this place back to real America. Is there a laser tag there? There's hard work and Christian values. Ain't the same. Look, look, they're already removing their Muslim artifacts of terror. We've won.
Hmm, what's that smell? Please, let us remove our mosque's complimentary soft pretzel tart in peace. Islam is a religion of hatred, okay? They are trying to ruin the God-fearing principles of our founding fathers by striking terror into the hearts of all Americans with their wicked Muslim cabal. They've got three kinds of mustard!
Why must you continue to shout? We have already promised that you will never have to lay eyes on our humble worship center. Please, permit us a simple prayer that we may find it a new home. |
SaturdayNightLive | nick_burns_your_company_s_computer_guy_sparks_fly_saturday_night_live | Did you see the cover of Mac User Magazine? Oh, the one with the G4 Cube on it? next to the Silicon Graphics Zx10, the Cube has got to be the coolest computer in the world. yeah, it's by cool you made a computer that doesn't have an expansion bay. extra Sim slots. and yeah, I guess it's the fondly of computers, Dilbert. Nick the computer Guy, you'll fix your computer. Fanny's gonna make fun of you. cause he's Nick Burns, your company's computer guy. Hey, Ron, do you Not let Parker corrupt your hard drive with that crap about the Cube, are you? Oh, don't worry. this guy's not getting anywhere near my hard drive. I was just saying that the Cube looks better than the present G4 tower.
Well, yeah, so does Cindy Margulis, but I can't run quick in on her. touche. I would've said Danny Ash cause she shows her melons, but still a good one, Nick. really good one, Nick. where ya been? Well, Jeepers creepers. Now is how I'm trying to help those morons up on the third floor. they're trying to run a real player up behind a firewall without the proxy set. Can you believe that? we should take away their internet. those guys are dense.
Hey, Nick. here's one of Jerry's kids now. What was that? she said you're one of Jerry's kids. now what do you want?
My laptop is messed up. I was sending a file and it froze. Jeez louise, where'd you get that? the anti-throat show? yeah, we could take a look at that and then I could take a look at your copy of Tron on Betamax. I remember that model. it comes bundled with Frogger. you guys gonna help me? show me what you're doing. Well, I was trying to save it, so I downloaded it. uh-huh. And then I pushed this button and then it just froze on me. uh-huh. Yeah, move! God, you run internet on this thing? it looks like it's got a 28-8 or something. we could upgrade your modem to a 56-6. can you do that? I'm not sure if we had a time machine and set it back to 1998. can you please just help me? it froze up.
I need an email. it's very important. it's for a report that I'm doing today. did you make a backup file? no. never do. just leave it here. we'll do some carbon dating on it. I don't like you guys. Well, if we need any replacement parts, we'll use an Atari 2600. that's a good one, Rhonda. You know what irks me. those buffoons never back up their files. Oh, I don't have to worry about that. I set up my retrospect remote to back up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m. retrospect only works at your documents, not your third-party software. Say goodbye to your system resources. Oh, hey, can you guys cover for me? I better go home and back that stuff up. are you gonna be online later? Oh, yeah. hey, what's your screen name again? you know what it is. don't do this to me. no, no, no. I can't remember. what is it?
Sexyman48. what? Sexyman48. Okay. we'll see you later, Sexyman. that guy is a real geek. he gives us computer technicians a bad name, you know? You know that worm probably lives in his mom's basement. hey, cut the guy some slack. that's pretty cool.
Rent's high. Rent's High.
Nick, I know that you live with your mom, but I like you. And I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you do about computers. I think it's sexy. you do? I was thinking maybe come over my mom's crib later on. like the Playstation 2 or something. look at some games. Nope. nope. nope. nope. oh, damn. it's you. it's me. it's those idiots in marketing. they probably need grief counseling, because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. I thought I was gonna get my first kiss. me too. you're welcome. |
TheOnion | Dan_Savage_Successfully_Undergoes_Gay_Conversion_Therapy | The Obama family adopts a 44-year-old Portuguese waterman, Washington Hobby Lobby rep Bobby Stobby lobbies to strengthen American hobbies, and an $80,000 wedding is beautiful. We strongly recommend pausing this video right now and stretching out a little before going any further, seriously, it's going to be pretty intense. This is the Onion Week in Review. Just days after New Jersey's banning of the controversial practice, American author and prominent gay rights supporter Dan Savage announced this week he successfully underwent gay conversion therapy. Savage, who was also known as the founder of the It Gets Better movement, released a statement on his website Thursday acknowledging that he is now fully cured of his homosexuality, has recently begun a very committed heterosexual relationship, and strongly recommends that gay people everywhere save themselves from homosexuality using the power of prayer. This week, a New York University report on hiring practices confirmed that most employers know within the first five minutes of a job interview whether or not they will murder the applicant. Company recruiters confirmed the study's findings and noted that first impressions are everything when it comes to deciding to violently kill an interviewee. I usually know right from the first handshake whether or not I'm going to be following the job applicant home that evening and bashing his or her head in with a rock. The other day someone came in here and I slit his throat right here on the spot. Researchers added that job applicants can prepare for interviews by updating their resumes, dressing professionally, and always carrying a concealed weapon in an ankle holster.
A report issued this week by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services revealed that the vast majority of American children lack a strong male supermodel. Researchers explained that less than 4% of youths have a hunky, Adonis-like male figure in their lives, and that most American children aren't being taught the importance of vamping for the camera, respecting runway etiquette, and maintaining a glistening six-pack. The number of strong-jawed male supermodels in children's lives has declined to record lows. Leaving the majority of our youth unaware of how to get comfortable in front of the camera during an underwear shoot, or even perform something as simple as a sexy but stylish full-turn. These children are just not getting the necessary influence of a dynamic male supermodel who can both make puppy-dog eyes at the camera, and also radiate that sort of raw, unabashed machismo that forces fashionistas to look up and take notice.
And in local news, well, the neighbors just got a pit bull. In other news, Tony Romo notices the star on the cowboy's helmet for the first time, a totally awkward new international student saw his entire family murdered in the Congo, and Chuck Klosterman corners a guy at a party wearing a Dio shirt. This video contained over 35 examples of shameless product placement, but if you didn't catch them, then we haven't sold out yet. Excellent. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | pregnancy_announcements_on_youtube_cracked_responds | Cody Bridget, I looked in the opposite directions there. It's fine. I've asked you here because I want to show you some videos that I found online I am pregnant not physically my wife is pregnant and There are a lot of videos online of people giving this pregnancy announcement And it's such like a fun awesome thing to do in your life that I wanted to go see other people do it Couldn't and just sort of like suck in their joy. Yeah, and in a lot of cases. They're exactly what you'd hope they'd be grandpa. Oh My gosh some birthdays are more special than others Losing her mind and they're so so excited And that's what you want I mean you want them to be that that exciting with them crying you want them in tears and screaming and running around the house and For the most part that's what you get. Here's another one your reaction when you find it No A lot of this happened in the kitchen for reasons. I don't understand. You're sure And everybody gets very excited now I'm showing you these because there are also videos in which a woman is telling her husband That she's pregnant and you'd think that those would be just the best because he's gonna be a dad Pretty much every Which a husband or homeowner finds out home under the army significant other is pregnant And his first reaction is oh No, it really really tries to take it all in and hopes that if he just doesn't look at her it can't be true Are you really?
You said this car was for me you lied to me you bitch this man opts to call his wife a bitch Yeah, are you in a panic? What a sweet sweet partner? This is a lie and she's breathing and she's panicked a little bit cuz she's so excited and he's Registering with him. These two are not on the same page the spectrum of panic.
The doctor said so You told you a doctor a doctor told you that tell me everything There isn't anything to tell yet. I don't know anything else. I'm pregnant. I'm telling you everything now, but I And how did that happen?
I don't understand The part where you'd hope that he'd go and hug her Walks away. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go sit down.
This seems like a metaphor and this guy's great because he gives you all the responses Insequential order that you get from you for one of these which is Disbelief at first really then there's how do you know for sure? Then there's did you verify this with a doctor? I don't trust you my wife and then back to really this is someone going through the seven stages of grief.
Yeah For me, are you pregnant? Are you I took a test this morning. I said you are. Uh-huh.
Holy crap This man sitting in his cat gets get the baby closes a present. That's a really great way to tell someone. Are you excited? I am Excited that is crazy Yeah Yeah, of course So many head scratches I mean to their credit probably they're just it's all registering for them what this means for the rest of life because it really will Changes your entire life, but I don't know why there's no circumstance in which they have to ask really because there's no circumstance Which a woman's gonna come to the room and go I'm pregnant and the guy's gonna go really she's gonna go no I'm fucking with you. That's a horror. This is the best joke in the world Well, I would like a divorce, please this man it takes him an awful long time to figure it out. She's crying already He has a lot to deal with his wife is crying. He's getting a lot of information and he's forgotten how to read She knows cuz the video is titled dropping the pregnancy bomb He was not prepared for this fucking miserable news. I was gonna tell him His face She saw that later when she watched this video It's your time to shine you can't see if there's a blanket behind them with both their faces on it That's not part of the video. That just happens to be on their couch And she decided to tell him like a magician would with just pulling The world's longest Like pulls it away like that's not you know, he checks for money in the pocket Parents are are already parents and they're learning for the first time somebody they'll have they'll do a really cute thing They'll have the child tell Tell it like they'll wear a shirt that says like I'm a big sister things like that And and you'd hope like the dad would get very very excited How do you know is the best question like she's just got a feeling and she's gonna put a shirt on a child do this like Elaborate presentation for the him.
I'm like 30% sure Right, this is like a video tape misunderstanding of that process and how that works like it's not like I wonder if I'm pregnant Just because I'm gonna take a test and then I like no there are weeks building up to this is the pregnancy feeling Yeah, presumably they've known for right at least a couple days Also, none of these women checked into it every time the man asked How do you know she'll say I take a pregnancy test a lot of times they'll say just one and she'll say no I took like four or five you make sure that you know, right and the guy Does not this there's like an extraordinary amount of sexism happening here where the guy does not trust his wife to make that kind of call And then he's like tell me that a doctor said that a doctor said that. Okay, then you might be And I haven't gone to a doctor well, we're gonna go to a doctor You're not actually pregnant you are ill in some other way things happen to your body that led you to take the test If you're not pregnant something is wrong with you The video in the doctor's office where he says, oh no, you're not actually pregnant and then just trying to contain it It just be like are you sure?
Oh, that's right The reverse in the eyes dads are never ever excited But good luck congratulations, yeah, thank you. Thank you Hey everyone, thanks for watching the video. Hope you enjoyed it Click the old like button leave a comment subscribe to our channel Please and just tell us how great it is to not have a baby on the way the miracle life is Just horrifying. It's not that great. Yeah |
cracked | when_sitcom_gal_pals_love_each_other_a_normal_amount_a_valentine_s_sketch_by_meat_cats_comedy | Good evening, and welcome back to Blerner Classic Movies. As always, I'm your host, Dog Walker. You may recognize me from such movies as Black Cat, White Dad, My Horse is a Ghost, and Uh-Oh! Mom's an Angel Now.
Today, we look back at a TV classic from Hollywood's Hay Day, the 1955 sitcom The Best Gal Pals, a sitcom about two best friends, Martha Flickburn and Ruthie Rootbeer, who happen to be neighbors, and they love each other a normal amount. This show was unfortunately canceled after one episode, the Valentine's Day episode, which aired February 14, 1955. But it became an underground cult classic, especially amongst the artistic community and softball players.
But with a fan base intact today, let's go ahead and take a look, huh? Goodbye, dear. You bring home that bacon, Mr. Flickburn. Think he's gonna remember? What? That today's Valentine's Day? He's about as sure to remember that as Elvis is to walk through that door and give me a smooch. What did he get you last year? Nothing? Worse, dish soap.
He's about as romantic as a lady's doctor's appointment. Well, a lady's doctor's appointment is the last time I saw any action.
Ain't that the truth? Anyway, if I was your husband, I would do your dishes every day. Oh, you say the silliest things, Ruthie. No, I mean it.
If I was your husband, I would love you so hard. Every day, I would provide for you. I would provide for us. This wouldn't be a marriage. It would be a partnership.
What? Don't those two have such unique chemistry? And now, a quick word from our sponsor, Bean Joe's Bean Water. I can't believe it's not coffee, and you won't convince me. Now, back to those two lovely ladies, Martha and Ruthie. So, what's on the agenda today, Ruthie? Baking pies like we always do? Forget the pies. What about us? What about that night we shared in secretary school?
It was a different time then. The men were away at war. We were feral. I'm still feral. That doesn't mean it wasn't real.
Maybe I just need to be reminded. Oh, Ruthie. After getting multiple concern calls from viewers, saying things like, Hey, what the hell is this? And two women? Yuck, my mother's one of those.
The network decided not to air the rest of the episode. But, thankfully, Blerner Classic Movies has the archival footage for you tonight. Let's see how that episode ends, huh?
Wow, you sure have learned a lot since secretary school. This can never happen again. It was a mistake. I have a husband. What if you didn't? What if your husband was accidentally poisoned?
The pie! No one can resist my cherry pie. I know I certainly couldn't.
I thought my husband is dead. Yeah, he's dead. Very dead.
Happy Valentine's Day, Martha and Ruthie. Wherever you are, I wish you well. Anyway, this is Dog Walker signing off. Tune in next week when we watch the 1970s classic, Big Bush, Big Dreams. Hi, I'm Dog Walker. You may know me from such films as Marley and Me Too. Uh oh, she's back. Whoa, that dog's big. Hey, Civil War ghost, what side did you fight on? My mom's a whale and I don't care. |
cracked | why_you_ll_always_lose_as_a_woman_on_the_internet | Who's up for game night? Ew, no thanks dad, we're busy. Oh yeah? The internet board game? Whoa!
I'm going to be an overshare who's incessantly online. I'm going to be the internet troll. I'm going to be a 40 year old man posing as a 13 year old girl. I'm going to be a woman. Honey, are you sure you want to play that advanced? Being a straight white man is a lot easier. Honey, I think I can handle being a woman online, okay?
From the gamers who brought you life and monopoly, comes the newest game that reflects the real world and makes game night a blast again. They're the celebrity. I'm like, God, so I post about how it personally affects me. Even though I know actual experience with the celebrity.
Yeah! I made it about me! Oh yeah? Well, I see your meaningful post, and I write that s***. I'm going to PM you, ask me if you want to hook up, and then fill your social security number. Well, my guard says, oh holy moly, it's a picture of a penis.
Oh gosh, it's a different one now? How is it a different... Can I just get another card?
That's the deck you get when you decide to be a girl online. You can do, or be, or see, whatever you want on the internet. Dad, what's the deep look? I'm not sure, son. But it doesn't look good. Make fun moves that make you better at the internet.
It just won't stop. But be careful. They're all different. It can be a bumpy road. Pretty much the same. No, that one's way different.
Oh no, someone hacked my account, and now everybody knows I'm a skis. And they found out I'm on Ashley Madison. Oh no, I'm stuck in a never-ending political argument in an online thread. Oh no, I've been blocked from all of my social media accounts for abusive behavior. Thank goodness. A not-penis pic. It says I posted a feminist tweet, and God doxed. What is doxed? You really got me, honey. Ah, the troll strikes again. |
ClickHole | so_sweet_watch_this_7_year_old_s_reaction_to_learning_she_s_going_to_harry_potter_world | Little girl, you must leave your home immediately and go to Harry Potter's world. The land of Harry Potter, the magician who loves to cheat death. You must travel to the place where everything is hot and there Harry Potter the magician will sell you clothing with his face on it.
The best news is you will see Harry Potter's friend Hagrid. Hagrid is enormous and simple. You will love to see Hagrid. In Harry Potter's world there is nothing but Harry Potter and Hagrid and they take turns smelling your hand.
You will go there and you will look and you will see the magician's world and it will all be pretend. The magic is created by electricity. Harry Potter's world is a charlatan's playground. You must go now to the magician's fake world where every word is a deception. You will see Harry the magician but he will not be real. You will smile fantastic when you live in the false paradise of the magician.
Go now. You are not permitted to wait. Do not think of escape. Think only of the small magician. Goodbye little girl. |
dropout | hip_bathroom_signs_are_the_worst | So trendy. I know, but I've had like way too much of their synchronous. Now I really need a pee. Yeah, it's really nice. Oh! Clearly, women's mittens.
You can't use that different words. Okay, alright, we can do this.
This looks like a nipple on a boob, so it must be the lady's room. Except men and women both have nipples. This, however, looks like a hole, aka a vagina, aka a womb, probably some sort of tribal symbol of fertility. Or it's a butthole. It doesn't look on like a butthole. And we both totally have buttholes. We both have buttholes.
All done in here. Oh! It's a man. Okay. Got it. It's a dick. We're just looking at it at a different angle. You know, we're just not used to this one. It's the overhead of the dick. Oh, I am used to that angle. I see it. Yeah, so you see the... Don't lose it. Fuck this place for making me solve a riddle just to take a kiss. Okay, hear me out. Okay.
This dot is an island. Man is an island.
This is the men's room. No, no, no. See, look, this is like a circle. Circle of life. Father time. Okay, that works because then this would be the women's room. And it's a darker circle surrounded by a larger white circle, aka an oppressed minority.
I can still see a butthole. Like a huge gaping butthole.
Me too. It's all yours.
How did that not happen? I don't...
All right, let's just do it. We have no choice. In the name of all the people who have ever been made to feel dumb by a trendy restaurant, we gotta do this. Let's do it.
Okay. All right, I'll see you over there. Oh. Well, this is gonna make it hard to take a shit. |
dropout | stop_posting_unflattering_photos_of_me | Hey, can we talk about the pictures you posted of me on Instagram? It was National Boyfriend Day, so I wanted to honor you. Proud to be with a man who's in touch with his feelings. I am. This is Murph after he got home from McDonald's and realized they forgot his fries. Hashtag National Boyfriend Day. Picture me crying. Aww, you're welcome. For what? You posted an unflattering picture of me at my lowest. Because I love you, even at your lowest.
Besides, did you not see hashtag love him? I saw it on another picture that reads, Never seen someone sweat so much after an easy yoga class. Just goes to show you what is easy to most, can be very difficult for Murph. Hashtag National Boyfriend Day, just me having a hard time at a senior's yoga class. It's inspiring. It's embarrassing. Did you even look through the hashtag and see what other people are posting?
Like my friend Casey. That's what she wrote about her boyfriend. Don't know what I'd do without him. I'm the luckiest girl.
And there. He's smiling. He looks good. It's a nice picture. Yeah.
And it's also just garbage. It's a gosh darn fluff piece.
Where is the honesty, the grit, the truth? I mean, the biographer who sings the story only of his hero's victories, misses out on the beauty of his failures.
Is that why you posted a picture of me struggling to open a bottle of Snapple? I'm trying to start a conversation. Well mission accomplished because all my friends are making fun of me in the comments.
It's a small price to pay to restore honor to National Boyfriend Day. It was created two years ago by a corporation to sell razors. Was it? Yeah. I'm pretty sure I remember celebrating as a kid. It's an ad.
What do you want me to do? Now I'm going to post a nice picture of you with some kind of sugar coated caption that's like, oh, I love him so much, and who would I be without him, and he makes me smile every day, and oh, look, he cooks me dinner. That sounds great. Fun. Okay. You want it? Hm. You got it. Smile. I hope you're happy you've silenced a unique voice. Out to dinner with my wonderful boyfriend. Now that makes me feel good. Oh.
You tagged me as a huge fucking baby. I am the voice of a generation! Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_156_Mikey_Robbins | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batutah and today on this streak of interviewing Australian talent that we wouldn't be able to otherwise get outside of a pandemic, everyone's a bit more available. So Errol and I are wrapped today to be able to talk to one of our heroes, a man that has informed Australian television as we know it, and a real mainstayer of this world, radio.
It's getting ridiculous! He's a Newcastle boy, he allegedly taught the Johns Brothers how to party, he served as the inspiration for many silver chair songs. And somehow through all this remained a Rabidos fan. Mikey Robbins, thank you. Hey guys, thanks for having me in. You're right, there's bugger all else to do, so what the hell? Nice to be amongst you, as Jesus would say. It's interesting now, someone like yourself, Mikey, who spent so much time on television, so much time on the screen, really.
From our perspective, you were probably only working one day a week, were you? The whole time Good News Week was on, Paul and the writers were there four or five days a week, I'd just turn up on taping day. And riffed. Basically for 25 years of my career, turning up was 90% of what I did. We always kind of, a question was going to be, what are you doing with yourself nowadays, but the question should be, what were you doing with yourself four days of the week back then? What I'm doing now is I've just passed the halfway point on my next book, and I realised when I finished my first book, I'd put more work into that than I'd put into the previous 20 years. That was like a four hour a day job, writing an 80,000 word book. So I'm writing my quirky history books, the first two have done pretty well, and I'm doing a history podcast, we'll get to that later.
Because I've basically, I've reached that age when most comedians do. You reach my age and it's either like, well, I'm still breathing, so I should do a history thing. And I'm still funny. I've still got it. Oh mate, pull my finger, pull my finger.
Well speaking of history, we want to go back to the very start, as Errol mentioned before, Newcastle boy, Newcastle High, Newcastle Uni. You could have stayed in Newcastle. I could have mate, I could have, I was doing a bit of theatre, I won a Conda, a city of Newcastle drama award, alright, put that on your CV, what a bizarre name.
And then what happened was I joined a cabaret group called the Castanet Club, which had been kicking around for a while. And that got me out of town, got me to Sydney, and then I toured with them for a couple of years. And then I decided to go back and get my dip in, as you do, I sort of hit my mid-twenties and thought I needed something to fall back on. And that lasted six weeks, I got a job dishwashing, and then in the middle of that, the group I used to be in the Castanet Club, they started a pretty swanky agent, and they got me in a bloke called Warren Coleman gig on Jono and Denno's Saturday Morning Live, writing sketches.
Really? Excuse me, I'm just burping now.
Writing and performing sketches. And the first sketch we ever did was, was it Betty and the King?
It was a cooking segment with him dressed in a sort of 1960s cooking show drag. It gets better. Because I had an Elvis suit, long story, it was a cooking segment with Elvis, but Elvis didn't actually speak normal English, Elvis sort of spoke like a Tim Tim smoothie mama. His recipes were for Tim Tim smoothies, and the punchline would be he'd get halfway through a Tim Tim smoothie, and Elvis would have a heart attack with the immortal words, pump it, pump it no more.
And from that, that sort of, I know it was weird. It's good gear. The other two guys we had, because it was 1989, the other two characters we had were Glass Nost and Perry Stryker, two Russian exchange roadies. I don't know where that came from, but from that, that got me a gig writing sketches on Triple J, and then that got me the start of what was my career at the age of 29. You sound like someone who kind of was finding your lane as it was appearing in front of you.
Yeah, I've never had a plan.
I'm an opportunist. Yeah. Okay.
So I was writing sketches and that didn't pay a lot of money, much more money than I'd ever made before in the business. And then I said, well, I'd like to do some on air, I'd like to try announcing. And they said, well, do you know how to operate a radio panel? And I lied and I said, yeah. How hard can this be? Well, I'll tell you, I don't even drive a car. I'm that mechanically inept. I lied. They gave me my first on air shift and I still hold the record at the J's for taking the station off air the most amount of times in one shift, because it was back in those days you had to load CDs and I kept fucking it up. I remember that was the Saturday night and then Monday I went in to record sketches and there was the program director of the station and I looked at him and he went, so how'd you guys Saturday night? And I went, he didn't listen.
I went, oh, fine. So can you do two more this week? Yeah. So I got my way in by lying and I sort of stayed there because I didn't hear me when I first started. Well, I believe that technique is called you fake it until you make it. Yeah. It was sort of weird. Like I'd start off by sticking to the playlist and being a real good boy. And then by the end, I would just play anything I wanted. It's two, three in the morning. It's like, yeah, what, what the hell? In fact, two hours of NWA, I actually played, I actually played Packer Bell's Canon, but the way I said it was a Saturday night, I couldn't have got, I should have got in trouble for this. I said, look, in about 25 minutes time, I'm going to play the best rooting song of all time. So drop your pingers now. Yeah. I can't believe I actually said that. And there's a lot of people getting around town who remember that. Yeah, vaguely. Yeah.
But, but yeah, it was, it was very rock and roll back in those days. It was very fly by the seat of your pants and you know, and that's why I met Helen and you know, we ended up doing breakfast and all that sort of stuff. How do you, how did you go amongst the career animals? Cause that's a, you see like in particularly in comedy, there's people that turn up every night with a microphone in hand and they're going to, they go on for the crown jewels, which you stumbled across. Well, that was the weird thing.
I never came up through standup. I'd never done standup, I'd done cabaret and then did Good News Week. And so a lot of people on the show were standups and it was always, it was like a monkey on my back.
So I was, when I, just before I turned 50, I thought I really should give this a go. And I booked a gig and I died like a dog in the street, absolutely died like a dog. And it was weird cause like, although she's a Good News Week, you know, I, if I said something, people would often laugh and then they'd applaud, I did find out later there was a sign that said applaud, but, but you know, but, but so I was used to getting good feedback and I got home and my wife said, she said, look, you don't have to do this. I went, nah, fine. And then eventually I got booked in a bunch of gigs in Adelaide. I remember saying, my wife came with me, I said, look, if this doesn't work, you know, I'll, I'll do something, you know, fuck it, you know, I'm 50, I don't need it. And it was so much fun.
On the last night, I really wanted to thank the, um, the Adelaide crowd. I was performing at the Rhino Room, which is a great room, so what could I give them that they never had? What can I give to give back to Adelaide? So I walked on with the two garbage bags and I said, you've been so good to be Adelaide.
Who likes hotel towels? And I'd nicked about two dozen hotels from the hotel and started throwing hotel towels out in the audience.
I won't mention the name of the hotel, but that's a good, that's a good little either way. They're going home happy.
Yeah. Well that's the thing. I mean, look, the standup thing is not something I, it's not my bread and butter. I basically, look, I'll be honest, I did it because I get a fair amount of corporate work. Yep. It's a half hour, pretty clean routine. It makes corporate work a lot easier. And also too, you know, you look at the great standups and you're right, they're there, you know, five nights a week with a mic in hand and that's a young person's game. Yeah.
I should have done it 35 years ago. How did you find the transition going from radio to television? Was it, uh... You had to shave. So it came naturally to you? Well, you see, most of the TV I did was a panel show, which is basically exactly what we're doing now. And which I think was good because radio, you know, you have a vague idea where you're going, but you learn to improvise.
And that was pretty much, I mean, the nice thing about telly was I got free clothes. And particularly because, you know, back in those days, I mean, I'm a fat bastard now, but I was a really fat bastard then. So they couldn't just get me suits off the rack. So I used to get fricking tailor-made suits on Channel 10's Expense account.
And then at the end of the year, I'd go, look, this, uh, this cashmere jacket's not going to fit anyone else. I might as well just keep it. I got so much free clothes. A cashmere jacket. Yeah. And you know the best thing about the cashmere sports jacket, which I'd always wanted a camel hair cashmere sports jacket, I, I wore it on camera once and I sweated like the defendant. And they said, don't wear it again. I was, I'll just take it home. I'd always wanted one of those jackets. Can you take this home and hot wash it for us?
Like, you know, you're, you're a young man on, on the J's. Yeah, I was. I, I, by the time I did breakfast, I was just turning 30. Okay. So I was a little bit older, but, uh, you know, I had long black hair then.
So, you know, I didn't look, you look like a rock dog. Uh, no, I, I looked like, I looked like the, I don't like the drummer's roadies assistant.
Yeah. The guy that hangs around bands. Yeah.
That's what I looked like. What was it like?
I guess I'm getting, I'm thinking back to the glory days of radio here and we kind of, you see the Adam Spencer's of the world and you even hear like Marie Cardin and Osher, you know, with his, with his, uh, channel V days, you're around artists all the time. You're around musicians all the time. You probably at all of the, uh, concerts and all the festivals. Was there a bit of living going on there?
Oh yeah. Yeah. That was a bit. Who would have been, who would have been your band? Uh, yeah.
Who was your partners in crime? Oh, the usual suspects. Um, if I mentioned too many names, people will sue me, but you look at just, if you saw who I was hanging around with and you saw me then it was, it was pretty wild.
We actually got through it. I mean, you talk about concerts, you know, this is one of those things where I can, I can always pull this out of the bag and people say, well, what's the best gig you've ever been to? I was like, well, I saw in the van at the first big day out.
Yeah. It's like, it's like, yeah, yeah. It's like, Oh yeah. Oh really? I'll say, yeah, you saw the line of spiders that I hope to have. I saw Nevada. Yeah.
And then years later, this is always my big one. This is the only thing that I've ever done that my nephews impressed by Dave Grohl and I stole a bottle of bourbon from a press conference, went out into a laneway and drank most of it. Dave Grohl.
Okay. Yeah. That's a good partner in crime. Yeah.
I've, I've, you know, I've ended up in places and there are those moments when you're, when you're, when you're lying, when you're sitting at an airport the next day going, okay, if the corners lounge is that way, I'm in Melbourne. As my doctor said to me recently, you've never done that? No, but it's a good reference point. Yeah, Melbourne, right.
As my doctor said to me last year, he said, you don't get a second. He said, you don't get a second chance and you've had four and I'm fine.
I'll get up the smokes, I'll cut back on the drinking and all the rest is gone.
Yeah. And then in the midst of all this, you were one of, as we mentioned to you outside, Troy Cassaday came on the other day. Good luck. And there's a couple people that exist in the public eye, in public life who are degenerate South Sydney Rabbit Eyes fans. He's one of them. You're one of them. Andrew Denton. Yeah. There's plenty of them. Yeah.
Ray Martin.
Don Lane. James Packer. I actually got to go to Don's apartment a couple of times and he's a lovely old bloke. He was very sweet. It was that weird thing, like if you're my age, I'm like how Andrew would go. But yeah, you look at Don Lane and there should be a set of speakers and a channel changer to the right inside of him. I'd be in the cab with my wife and go, Don Lane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though I grew up in Newcastle, you have to remember, I was born in 61, the nights didn't exist then. Yeah. And the three biggest teams, if you lived outside of the city urban area, were St. George, South and the Tigers. Yeah. And I always maintained that we had three voices of authority in my house, my father, the Pope and Eric Sims. Yeah, right.
And it could change. It could change.
The best way I can describe the bad years was me and a mate at the city football stadium, tiny crowd, it's raining, and we've held the Bears to a 17-old draw. And me and the other bunnies, and my mate was a Bears fan, and we're on our feet clapping the team off, and he went, What are you clapping for? You didn't win. I said, Mate, we didn't lose. 17-old draw's a good score. Yeah, against the Bears. When the Bears weren't that flashback, that's all right.
Look, it was tough. Because that thing when you're a kid, you expected your team to win the grand final or be in the grand final. Then 89, we had minor premiers, and then the 90s was a long, harsh, dark decade.
Yeah. And then when we got back, it was like, well, then we got kicked out, which is appalling. And then we get back, it's like, it's good, but you know.
And then, mind you, my favorite story of the night of the 2014 grand final, a mate, Tony Squires, the sports channel. I've gone along with Tony, so we had to do something in the millennial room. So I'm wearing a suit, and I just had a virtual crew cut. Now, you've got to be in a bit of a rugby league tragedy to get the punchline of the story. There was a couple of Bulldogs fans come up, and one of them goes, Great, mate, I just want to say I made the best team win tonight. I said, oh, yeah, mate, didn't do very much.
He turns around, he's mate goes, he's mate goes, who was that? He goes, dickhead. That was Graham Richardson, CEO of South. Which I loved. Richard.
Yeah, what did I think about? I was like, yeah, fair enough. And look, the last five minutes of the grand final, Tony's virtually got me on video, because I just, I think from the moment G.I. went over, I was in tears. I just cried.
And the next three days, my wife said, You down there at the wolf pack? Oh, mate, seriously, the next three days, my wife describes it as the end of school.
Yeah. You know, that feeling, just this party just kept on rolling.
Like, how about how they closed all like all the pubs? After they won, the cops, they just come up and said, just shut the fucking doors. Shut the doors.
They took the horses into the pubs. Always horses wearing bunny socks.
It was funny. I ran into Adam Hills, and I said, Hills, I thought you were going to be in England. He said, Oh, I got it back. My favorite was Denton, because, you know, there was always this thing midway through the season. It's like, you know, I'm keeping grand final week clear. And then you think you're going to jinx them. So Andrew had agreed to go on a holiday to his wife to China.
And I texted him. I said, look, mate, it's going to cost me a fortune, but I'll text you a live update. He texted me back and said, I'm in the stadium.
It's a long story, but I think there was a helicopter involved. Good grief. There must be a lot of money in the ABC. Helicopters, penthouses. Channel 7 too.
Speaking of Andrew, and speaking of some of these, you know, these public figures, were you ever called upon? You know, like, was there a duty to your club? Because I know, like, they'd get anyone who could talk to get up at these fundraisers. I spoke my fair share of fundraisers.
Yeah, you know, you did what you could. It was like, you know, at the club court. Yeah, you were there. You were there. And how did you feel when it got, you know, when everything kind of came back to life? There was a divide.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was.
And I was one of those people backing what happened with Rusty. And it took a while from that time for some people to reconcile all their differences.
But, you know, it's just the passion of the game. I'm not going to put shit on anyone. Yeah, and, you know, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what side you're on, there's a family of four Northern English boys who are going to take you to a premiership.
Oh, mate, the bravest thing I have ever said, the bravest gag I've ever said in my life was I was doing a function for the players. And the Burgess boys were there. And I said, look, guys, I just want to thank you for all the strength and the passion that you brought to the club. And also, too, on behalf of every bloke over 40, geez, your mum's hot.
And I got the glare from Sam. I got the glare.
Don't know about that one, Mikey. And 40 Matt King broke the tension by going, he's fucking right. The big afro, the water boy.
My favourite moment was actually at that function. We were down at the bars at Clavelli. Really hard to crack jokes in front of the players after a yoga session at Clavelli bars. Anyway, so I was actually meeting up with a mate to have a drink next door at the pub down at Clavelli.
And watching all the players leave, classic, you know, young sportsmen done well. So we're talking top of the line, Commodores, Beamers, you know, drivers. Apart from Matt King, who's driving a retro 60s combi van with his sideshow bob haircut.
I like him. Yeah, he was running the yoga, though, wasn't he? His missus runs the yoga.
I must say underrated because everyone knows how good he was. He was a bloody good player, Matt King. Underrated in terms of speed, for sure. He won a lot of rings, too. Some didn't count, some didn't.
When we go back to a good news week here, like Hamish Blake, you get around town with him. We had him for an interview the other day and people driving past going Hamish. And they yell at him, I listen to you every day. And he goes, you hear that?
I haven't been on radio for five years. I know, I know, I know, I know. Do people still see you and they think that you, they hold you in that place? Yeah, I'll tell you the story. I'm in Newcastle a couple of years back at the Delaney Hotel, catching up with some old mates.
It was my turn to go, I'm a very happily married man. I got to the bar and this young woman, say 20s, she goes, you Mikey Robbins? I went, yeah. She said, oh my god, my nan thinks you're hot. And I said, oh, fuck yeah. I'm now that guy.
My nan. I'm now Don Lane. And I thought, well it's Newcastle, how old could nan be?
But so I, yeah, it's funny because I haven't done a lot. I've been writing for the past few years. I haven't done a lot of Tilly. So I do get a lot of, I know you. And yeah, it is sort of funny. I think it's been, I don't know how many years this good news week was on.
But it was a show that, you know, the people who liked it really liked it. So, you know, and it's nice to have done that. And also too, you know, bought me a nice apartment and I didn't have to, didn't have to rehearse. Well, you know, it was, it was averaging what, you know, 800,000.
Oh mate, we used to have crisis, we used to have crisis meetings. This is, this is how long ago it was. We used to have crisis meetings if we reached 750,000, which is a hit show these days. Yeah, no, that's, that's through the roof these days. I know, the whole nature of the beast has changed, which is, you know.
So McDermott. Yeah, little fella. Victorian stock, is he? Well, actually born in South Australia, which explains a lot. Yeah. But no, Canberra, I've got in Canberra. Yeah, right.
His dad worked for the tax office, which I just, I don't, I don't why it's funny.
So it explains a lot. Yeah, one of the huge Irish Catholic family. And. But he'd come from a troop too.
Oh, the Doug Anthony's. Yeah, the Doug Anthony's.
So what was it, what was it like kind of having to become his new crew? Well, I never had a sense of that. And it was funny because I, you know, I spent 10 years of my life working with Paul. And I always think, this sounds weird, because I went and saw when the Doug's got back together and watching him and Tim on stage together. And it reminded me that I felt like Denny Green. Do you know who Denny Green was? He was the guitarist from Wings. Oh, right. So I was like, I was like, you know, like he and Tim together with John and Paul, I was the guitarist from Wings. I was good. I was there for the, and we got on really well, but a great relationship. But just, but that thing he, Tim and Richard had was just, the first time I met them.
You were, you were a Foo fighter. Oh yeah. Man, I was a fucking Foo fighter. I was a Foo fighter. Yeah, I was a Foo.
Mind you, the Foo fighters had more hits than Atlanta, and they're still going. Maybe they should stop, but they're still going.
No, no, Paulie, the first time I saw Paulie was, I was with the Cast Air Club. And it was when the Adelaide Fringe Festival was biannual. And the Cast Air Club had won for two years before, before I joined the group. Best on Fringe. And then we turned up and presented the award to these three young blokes from Canberra called the Doug Anthony's.
So I said good day to him then. And then a couple of years later, I was doing McFeast at the ABC Libby Gore sports show. And I thought it might have been end of season because he was there for the party, and I had a chat to him then. And I'm going to be honest, the next time I saw him was shooting the pilot for Good News Week.
Yeah, right. We didn't, we wasn't like we were besties or mates or anything. And I'll never forget, we were halfway through shooting the pilot, and we were, we'd been putting shit on each other, even though we'd just met. And I sort of looked at him and he looked at me and went, yeah, this'll work. Yep. Built the chemistry there.
I've never seen a bloke in an improvised situation who'll dig as deep to make something work. I mean, the man's got a work ethic like nobody's.
Okay, quick story. Steve Abbott was the Sandman. People won't remember the Sandman.
And Andrew Denton, I was mentioning it before, Andrew and Paul. So Steve and I and Andrew and Paul are at an art gallery, just around the corner from where we are now, in Batutah. And we're at this art gallery, and Steve and I walk in one direction, and we both looked over at the other guys. And I said to Paul the next day, I said, what were you and Denton talking about? He said, oh, we were looking over at you and Steve. And we said, look at them, the two laziest men in Australian comedy. I said, what were you and Steve talking about? He said, we were looking over at you saying, look at them, the two messed up type pricks in Australian comedy.
And everyone's getting paid the same. Everyone's having fun. Everyone's got Porsches.
Never had a Porsche. Not yet. Never had a Porsche.
When was the moment when you, we always talk about this with our guests, when you went back home to Newcastle and realised you were a big shot? Right. Okay. I'm in Newcastle High.
So it was Good News Week was in like its third year at the ABC, which has been a small culture. By the time we were in the third year, we were regularly amongst its top shows for the week. And in fact, beating commercial shows.
So I get called back to my old high school, Newcastle High, to give the valedictorian speech to the young students. So I gave some speech about being interested in politics. And before I had a chance to think that my shit didn't stink, I looked down and in the front row was $30 million worth of silver chair.
And they were already there? Yeah, they were already there.
Daniel and the boys were all in year 12.
It was a way bigger deal than you. Way bigger! Seriously, they were about to go on their first US tour. And it was weird afterwards.
I was chatting to Daniel, my wife, and I was supposed to go to the Central Coast to spend the weekend at a place there. And he went, Oh, we're going to the, we're going to the Cricketer's Arms for a drink. Like, look at my wife's face. Hey, do you mind if I go with these school boys and have a few drinks? And she went, I said, well, it's the Cricketer's Arms, it's where I had my 15th.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that. That's alright. That was, that was, that was a funny moment. I don't know, big moments like that. Actually, you mentioned Troy Casadelli during the Olympics. Sam and I emceed the gig he was on with a whole bunch of other people down in the domain, and that was like 16,000 people. That was wild. And being on stage with the Dalai Lama, that's pretty cool.
I've always got that one.
Yeah, not many people. He hasn't travelled much either, does he?
Well, I can always pull these three stories out of a hat when people say, you know, I mentioned the best gig. And I say, well, what was your best New Year's Eve? Okay, I'm about to get ready. I'm about to fucking name drop big day. I spent a New Year's Eve with Billy Connolly on his yacht in the middle of Sydney Harbour.
Wow. That was great.
And you know the thing about Never Meet Your Heroes? And he couldn't have been a nicer, funnier, warmer host. He was just a lovely bloke. Yeah, he was a perfect example of meeting your heroes.
Yeah. It was probably in his 60s then and he was wearing, hey, you've got to be fit to pull off a white linen suit. You do. And you've also got to be clean, tidy. But he was showing off where he just had frangipenies tattooed on his feet. I went, yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Now you've delved into history now. Yeah. You've been a reporter and you've been working on one now. Yeah. And you've been working on, and you've published a couple others, but you're also working on a podcast. Yeah.
Heroes and Howlers.
Tell us the set up there. What's the theme? What's the format there?
Well, what it came from is it came from a long lunch, a bit over a year ago. In fact, we came through the Doug Anthony All Stars. Tim Ferguson liked to throw these lunches.
And this other bloke arrived first and then a couple of hours later he and I were the last to leave. And his name was Paul Wilson. And he said, what are you up to?
And we just started telling history. Because as I found out, Paul actually studied history at Oxford and has a masterate and is a real historian, has published proper books and everything. And I just finished my first book, Seven Deadly Sins, which is about food, had come out. And I'd written Reprehensible, which came out last year, but it was in that period where the publishers were holding it back for a while. And so I sent Paul just an email of the rough edit. Thank God, because he found three huge fucking historical errors on me. So I fixed them up.
And then we just thought, the idea was to try and do a history podcast, but a lot of them are very dry and very academic. And try and capture what it was when we first met at the pub. So make it sound like two guys at the pub. Because the basis for the podcast is, I mean, there are big significant events we look at, but the first thing is, is it a good story? Is there something a bit weird about this one? Is there something, okay, everyone knows about the Fall of the Berlin Wall, but they probably don't know that the main course was a really shit house press conference given by these German official.
So that was the starting point. And then we started working on it and COVID came, which was like, you know. But it was actually good because when we first started doing it, it was that thing. We just met each other. So by the time we came and started recording the podcast, we'd actually worked up a lot more personal rapport. So that, a bit like everyone else, 2020 was a bit of a holding pattern. So by the time we came in earlier this year and started recording, we sort of knew what we were doing.
And it's a lot of fun. And the great thing about working with Paul is, I know the dates are going to be right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, I think.
And also too, the guy's a really good storyteller. He's got that great English accent. So our voices sound pretty good together, which is always, and also too, he's a really easy bloke to hang out with.
And it's a fun way to spend a day. We come up with a concept for an idea, we send a few emails back and forth. We sit in his place and we run and we go, oh yeah, that works, that works, that works, that works. We then come in and record and then we go to the pub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least it's not the other way around. I've tried that. The vodcast.
I watched an episode of Live and Sweaty at the ABC. So drunk. A friend of mine called me the next morning and said, you were funny last night. And I said, I didn't see you last night. And she said, you're on the television. And I went, oh, fuck I was.
That was the last time, that was like 98, 97, no, no, 94. That was the last time I ever had a drink before I went in front of a camera.
You were lying in bed, what? What? I was, oh, that's right.
I stopped the cab on the way I had him to throw up. Actually, I stopped the cab on the way there to throw up.
You held it together? Just. Well, we are, you know, there's, there's, there's a lot of gold in Heroes and Howlers. We're loving doing it. Yeah, yeah. You're coming to, you're coming towards the end of the first season, I guess.
What would have been some of the highlights you've, you've thrown around in there? For me, some of my favourite stuff was finding out that Louis XIV lost his, Virginia, his one-eyed courtesan, called, bizarre enough, one-eyed Kate. And that the guy basically, even though he was the longest serving monarch in European history, up until Queen Elizabeth II, for most of his reign, he had his pants around his ankles. It was a, it was a, it was a rooting machine. Also, too, finding out that the Fourth Crusade was basically a bunch of drunk Yobos tearing up the Mediterranean.
So, for me, it's, I always, I mean, I love history. I mean, I've always been a history nerd. For me, what I really love is finding out that, like Christopher Columbus, yeah, the reason he discovered the Americas was his maths was shit-house. It's finding out the commonality between the stuff-ups we go through now. They've always been there. We've always been a bit stupid, we've always been a bit idiotic, and yet we sort of stumble through.
Yeah, and the stupidity now, I mean, I've hidden some good theories out there now from the conspiracist camp, is that our Prime Minister has purposely fucked up this vaccine order to save us from it. Oh, I mean, PJ O'Rourke, the right-wing heurist, he had one brilliant line. He said, ignorance is the ultimate renewable resource.
And, like, you know, it's funny, this book I'm working on now, which is called Idiots, Follies, and Misadventures, Dumb as Our Constant Companion, it's, this group that actually ended up being, they'd morphed into the Seventh-day Adventures, before that, and they had five goes to the doomsday date. Five goes, and you think by the fifth time, and you have it ascended, you'd be thinking something's wrong. Oh, and then, of course, they turned into Kelloggs.
Sanitarium. Sanitarium, yeah.
Oh, it was Skippy Cornflakes. You know what, when you were a kid, and you'd say to your relatives, you could tell they weren't cornflakes. It was like, do you have a variety, Pax, when you were a kid? Cacobubbles would go first, rice bubbles would go second, fruitlets would go first.
And it was like, oh, fuck, I've got to eat the Sultana bread. Yeah, Sultana, man. It makes me regular, and I'm only fucking kidding.
Yeah, I'm eight. I'm eight.
Mikey, everyone has a favorite part of history. What's yours? What's your go-to? My go-to tends to be the Victorians. Yeah.
Because they're just weird. Because there's this weird combination of... I'll tell you a story from my last book, which is reprehensible.
Queen Victoria's wedding, Albert was the big wowser. So he laid down stipulations to the bridesmaids that they basically couldn't have ever gone on a date. And, in fact, their mothers had to be just as pure until the Prime Minister sat down and said, look, we couldn't find 12 women in all of Europe to satisfy this. So I always liked the Victorians because there's that...
Moral outrage. The moral outrage, yet at the same time, they're dirty, dirty, dirty people.
Yeah, no, you could just go forever. I think we'll be getting up to season 100 of Heroes in Hell. The most important thing is just when you put... The only rule I have is, can they sue me? Yeah, you'd have to go Ancient History for that one.
Well, thanks for joining us, Mikey. I'd love to have a chat to you guys. What's your tips for the 2021 season?
I'm going to go out on a limb here. Penrith look unbeatable. I would say South will be there, South will be there. I think we might have a repeat of last year's Grand Final. Because every time you'd ride off the storm, it's like, oh, fuck. Emotionally, what I would love, and trust me, it would be a full house. And look, you might have laughed at me up until last weekend, but three and four on the ladder, South sent George Grand Final. That would be the game. That would be Wayne's legacy. It was like, I'm going out on this, I'm going out on this. And then I'm going to retire on this and I'll come back in a year with the Southwest Ipswich Jets, the Brisbane Expansion Club. That will be captained by Cam Smith.
And Sam Walker. Yeah, and Wayne wound up being the only coach to win the Dallium Coach of the Year with a Zimmer frame. We can't bring him down with an axe, that's for sure.
Thanks for joining us, Mikey Robbins. Hero and Howl is out now on all good streaming services and wherever else you get a podcast. Thank you. |
dropout | tumblr_ceo_no_more_porn | Hey, Internet citizens, it's me, Harry Pancake, the CEO of Tumbler. We've begun the difficult process of removing all adult content from our platform. We know some of our users are unhappy with this decision, but Tumbler's a family company, and there's so much of what we do have to offer that is SFW, short for safe, fun, and wholesome.
We're still having fun, come on. There's a vibrant space for artists, comedians, young activists, and the many non-pornographic communities that make up our platform. Consider the thriving mascot community we have here on Tumbler. These sports heads can't get enough of their team's mascots. If you spend any time at all scrolling under the furry hashtag, you'll be wowed at their craftsmanship, ingenuity, and dedication.
What am I looking at here, Carm? Is that, uh, so you're telling me I'm looking at this lion, I guess, centaur penetrating this lady koala from behind. That is not indicative of what the furry community is about. It extremely is. What? Okay, so you're telling me that if I go to Yif Party. Don't do it. So the entire furry community is just these foxes and badgers and dragons all banging each other? Do you think that was my question?
Was what the nomenclature of these fucking... what is this frog doing with its nipples? How does this not violate our extremely clarified nipple policy? The frog's got tits out to here, Carmen! I've never seen bigger tits in my life!
Where? Go to hell!
Tumbler is about creativity. Not smut. Look at the great fan-created fiction that's already on here. Sherlock Holmes, as a high school student, shared over 800,000 times. The untold adventures of Samwise and Frodo, sharing a villa in the Tuscan countryside? How creative is that? Here, I want to read you a passage from one of my favorite fan-created fictions, Harry Potter and the Wand of Impossible Girth.
But I don't understand, Dobby. I gave you my sock. Why do you want the rest of my clothes? Dobby gripped the tender balls of the boy who lived and whispered, Dobby is master now. And Cornelius Fudge gets to watch.
AHHH! Martha, I'm not angry. I just am trying to understand how this didn't get to me.
When I started this website, I wanted it to be about buddies doing social media. That's where I started the BDSM tag.
It's full of what?! Well, it can't all be porn, okay? It can't all be porn. There's gotta be some knock porn on the platform.
Activists. We have got young activists. Head over to Socialist, put up Socialist Tumblr, and I bet there's... cute. That's real cute, gang.
So, what? This is Seizing the Means of Production?
I will find it. I will find the non-porn.
All right? Cooking. Look, this eggplant is sprinkling water on a crying man. No. Family. Okay, family values. Thirsty stepsister needs a big... nope, she doesn't need that, and in fact, nobody needs that.
Something boring.
Uh, craftsmanship. DIY. Here.
It's 12 million results.
That's the real Bronson Pinchot. Well he's working. Well, I don't understand what the octopus is getting out of any of this. And frankly, the young woman doesn't look very happy either.
Well, guess I'm the idiot, right? Just a fool.
Wanted a website, some artsy photos of rain, a couple of bad poems, and a conversation format that was frankly impossible to follow. You took my dream and you stuffed it up with dicks and pussies and hard clits. We found an odd point, boss. Really? I beg your pardon? Freedom of speech heard of it?
Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. You get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_65_kate_mcclymont | Hello and thanks for tuning in. My name is Errol Parker and you're listening to the Battuta Advocate radio show coming to you live from Baxter Boot Studios in downtown Battuta and joining me as always is Clancy Overall. Yes hello and thanks for tuning in. Now we've got an interesting guest on the show this week.
She's travelled all the way up here from New South Wales which is her patch. She's a household name in a lot of undesirable households and she's here to talk to us about some of the incredible things she's covered in her career. And her name is Kate McClymont. She's one of the best investigative journalists in the country. She's won multiple Walkley awards and she's been responsible for scoop after scoop in her illustrious career. From the Bulldog salary cap scandal in 2002 that changed the face of sports administration in the country to the revealing of the unbridled corruption in the New South Wales state political system. She's got some incredible stories clients. And don't worry if you were one of the listeners in town tuning in on Desert Rock FM she's not up here doing any digging. She's actually visiting some family in the channel country and stopped by to talk to us about all manner of things including the recent raids by the AFP that shocked media in this country.
Yes those raids which hit our very own offices up here and looked an awful lot like an attack on democracy and it's drawn fierce criticism from many in the fourth estate and around the country. We certainly weren't impressed by those jackboots kicking down our doors here at the Tutor Advocate newsroom and I had to snap my laptop and phone clean in half. I've lost a lot of important documents Al. And a lot of people are wondering if a certain jackboot enthusiast from Dixon had anything to do with the intimidation of journalists?
Yes yes yes it's not beyond the realms of possibility so Mr Dutton if you're listening time to kick off the jackboots and throw them in the bin mate because as our listeners will know by now our good friends at Baxter can sort you out with some decent honest Aussie boots that won't make you want to infringe on the freedom of the press. Yes and to our friends at the AFP we'd also like to extend that invitation on behalf of Baxter so you can swap your jackboots out for a pair of Baxter's. You can head down to their new flagship store in County Barnaby in Tamworth in New South Wales' New England district or as always you can find them online at baxterfootwear.com.au Now we've got our guests patiently waiting so we'll get on with the show.
Music. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petunia Advocate on Desert Rock FM. This week's guest we don't usually do this but this week's guest is almost an unconscious sequel to last week's guest ironically. Of course last week's were Kenry Bulldog's greats Willie Mason and Rennie Mathur and this week's guest actually got to know those names quite well.
In her paper chase in 2002 I guess. Kate McClymont investigative journalist, the investigative journalist and investigative journalist.
Thank you for joining us. Oh thank you so much for having me and what a glorious morning it is in Betuta.
Yes it's getting to that time of the year where it's not obnoxiously hot. Now you're not actually here doing any investigative work thankfully for our town even though we do have the Triple C out here quite a bit talking to Councillor Keith Carton about different housing development contracts and the like. But you do get around the country a fair bit it's not just you know that corrupt harbour city of Sydney you actually get to see a fair bit of the country. Like are there hot spots you find across the country? Well I remember once going to Griffith which still has the unsavoury reputation as the mafia capital of the world.
Anyway I had just checked into the glorious Ocono Motor Inn and I literally put my bag on the chenille bedspread when my phone rang and it was one of my mafia contacts from Sydney who said I hear you're in Griffith. I've been here like 10 minutes. Really? And they knew that I was in Griffith. What in 10 minutes rolling into town and checking into a motel? Yes. So do you find that there's eyes everywhere?
Well I don't know I just don't know how they knew that I don't know whether it was like was it a car rental was it checking in at the I mean I did have a reservation at the motel. I don't know but it was kind of unnerving.
But then on other occasions I often take my children I used to take my children with me because I thought they would be very good ploys and I used to make them take the photos for me. So I remember going to this was another was a big mafia meeting at a restaurant in I think it was Canterbury and I told my children that we were going for pizza. And you know after driving for about 45 minutes they said when are we going to get here. Anyway so I said now you take photos and see those men over there just try and get them in the background. And I had my sister in law with me and she said but what if they see us I said they won't suspect two women with children. So we got some very good photos all taken by the you know the 10 year olds. So it's a family affair.
Oh absolutely. You could have gone into anything by the sounds of it. You could have maybe been a great politician. We have done our research on you.
We've kind of played the Kate McClymont role and stories about you busking in King's Cross. Oh look yes this is when I was a university student and I have absolutely no ability to sing dance do any kind of artistic interpretation but I can talk. So my busking booth was questions answered 40 cents arguments 50 cents and verbal abuse a dollar.
And I used to make about $17 an hour and that was you know like 30 years ago. So it was it was a nice little earner on Saturday night. Much better than a hospitality gig I guess. Oh much better.
Now verbal abuse was that you that people paid you to abuse them or they get to abuse you. No certainly not. That would be an argument and I'd have to pay extra. No what would happen was invariably men would come along and pay me a dollar to abuse their girlfriends. So I would abuse the girlfriend for having such shockingly poor taste in a boyfriend that he could possibly do this. But I mean how low is that. But when people did want to put their two cents worth in I'd say look if you want to argue about it you have to put in 50 cents. So you know you could earn a bit on the side so to speak.
So that was King's Cross in the... Yes. Like right back in the day. Pre-lockouts. Porky's porky's love machine the barter being. So I guess it's changed a bit since then hasn't it. I mean like... Oh look it's dead. Do you ever walk through it now and just kind of wish it was back to... Oh absolutely. How it was or is it nice and clean.
I remember I remember going to meet contacts in King's Cross and you'd go to the cafes and you'd go to put sugar in your coffee. And you'd notice the sugar was falling through because they drilled holes in their teaspoon so people couldn't steal them to use them to shoot up.
Oh right. So yes it was... That's intense. That's a state. That was... Wow.
Yes I remember going supposedly undercover to the gambling schools which were illegal at the time run by crime figures. And you know in Parliament they'd say there's no such thing as these things. And then I managed to persuade the Herald to give me 20 bucks expenses to go and gamble in the two up schools that were there. So look a blind eye was turned completely to illegality.
But one of the other things when I first started at the Herald this is when the Herald had a massive empire. And we had the Northern Herald and we had the Eastern Herald which was a weekly insert into the main paper. Anyway so I was given the job. I had to be the society reporter for the Eastern Herald which was so dire because you know the same week seeing the same people you know air kissing at functions. So I decided that look we needed to get a little bit further afield.
So one night we went to the I think it was the Wednesday night dogs at Winty Park. And that's where you know the fashion in the fields was women wearing velour matching trackie-dacks at the dogs and the men had their best you know flanny shirts on. Anyway there was this one man there who had this sort of like dyed black hair all greased back and a suit at the dogs.
Anyway that's made him stand out. So I sort of followed him and I could see that he was winning all the time. So I started doing what he was doing and it turned out he was Rex Jackson.
Rex buckets Jackson the minister for racing. And then as minister for prisons he went to jail for accepting bribes to get prisoners out of jail early. So here he was obviously getting tips on the rigged races at the Wednesday night Winty Park dogs. So he obviously went down to Cooma. I think he was in Berrima actually. Yeah which is now closed isn't it? Yes in fact he was well known for making clocks while in Berrima jail. You could get a bucket clock handcrafted by the former prisons minister. There wasn't really a care in the world then for a racing minister to be sitting at Winty Park all evening winning every bet he put on.
Is that kind of how you fell into investigative journalism? Yes. Like this is too easy? Well then a couple of weeks later I got my first death threat. Alright. Because I decided that it would be good.
There was a one of the major organized figures at the time was a guy called George Freeman. And there was a very famous photo taken in the member stand at the races with George Freeman, Dr. Nick Paltos who was head of emergency at Sydney Hospital and Murray Farquhar the chief stipendary magistrate. Both of whom the latter two both went to jail for corruption in the end. But here was this George Freeman guy.
Anyway his wife's sister was getting married at Kincople Rose Bay so that fell in the ballywick of the social writer at the Eastern Herald. So we went along to the wedding and we took photos and I thought that I'd made a very witty joke about how the bridesmaids were wearing sequins since that was the closest fashion accessory you could get to armor plating in the bridal party. And we also had a photo because George had come to the wedding with his bodyguard who was this gigantic lug of a man.
And at the time on TV was a famous British comedy series called Minder which was about a small time cream and his mind tell Terry's nickname was anyway. And the theme song was I could be so good for you. Anyhow so the caption was George and his thug and underneath was I could be so good for you.
Anyway George didn't find this at all funny and I started getting death threats at my house I couldn't believe it from the social writer. The social writer on the Eastern Herald was getting death threats from George. George didn't ring himself people would ring up and say George is not happy you know George is this George is that.
In that moment do you feel like maybe the biggest identity in Sydney's organized crime kind of unwittingly invented Kate McClymont. Yes exactly.
And then you made life hard for his colleagues for years and years after that. The funny thing was because of my column as the social writer I got a job at the National Times which was the big investigative paper. And then it became the Times on Sunday and then it closed. But yes so funnily enough my job as the society of all things you know Eastern suburbs because I managed to do it turn it into something else. I didn't become the gossip writer I've moved on to something else which was fun.
So you haven't been specifically New South Wales based your whole career in our research we found you were with Four Corners. Were you involved in the Moonlight State investigations? The Moonlight State went to air I think about three weeks after I started there and I literally thought I had died and gone to heaven. Really?
Well I mean this was the most extraordinary piece of television. Chris Masters had uncovered just vast corruption within not just the hierarchy of the police but also with support of the police minister and politicians. And the interesting thing about that was that you know life can be serendipitous in many ways. And when that program went to air Joe Bedelky Peterson the Premier was out of the country. So the deputy ordered a Royal Commission.
If Joe had been there he would have just killed that dead. He would have fed the chooks. So no I did.
It was a perfect storm.
So anyway as I was saying I just thought this was wonderful. So I did quite a lot of stories with Paul Barry and we did Alan Bond. I remember going to Perth and doing a guy called Laurie Connell Last Resort Laurie who ended up in jail for I think it was I can't remember what business atrocity he had done. But when we went over there we were looking at you know one of my favorite areas which is corruption on the racetrack. And what we were looking at in that case was that there was this minor race in Bunbury which is south of Perth.
And Laurie Connell had paid the jockey to basically give out money during the race. So it's sort of like you know you're racing through you know $5,000 to move aside. Actually offering money to jockeys while the race is going on.
So if you're blocked you're yelling out you know.
Anyway it wasn't going well so he sort of accidentally fell off. So Danny Hobbie and then not only did he fall off Danny Hobbie the jockey. He disappeared because the stewards were onto him and Laurie Connell paid for him to do around the world sightseeing trip as a jockey.
Gee those days were fun. They were really fun except our car did get broken into and we did get threatened. But apart from that it was fun.
Who do you find would be if there was any occupation that you think is the most blatantly corrupt or dodgy is it. What would it be? Would it be jockeys? Would it be trainers?
I mean there's a lot of accountants I imagine you've kind of made friends with. The thing that astonishes me is that there is the same group of people who do it. There's the same lawyers. There's the same accountants. Jockeys as you mentioned. No not all of them but a lot of them are pretty spivvy.
And I remember Jim Cassidy once spat on my back and said that I was a fucking bitch and I've ruined his life. That was only because he was caught basically on the take. But I love it the way it's always our fault. You've kind of alluded to a few death threats in your career. You are also now at a point where you can gauge the seriousness. Look I always take to heart that one of my good sources in the police said to me.
Look don't worry about the death threats you get. They're the least of your concerns. It's the ones that don't threaten are the ones that you really have to worry about.
And look my view is that. That's vague. No it is. How do you know? But my view is that if somebody really wanted to kill you they could. I mean it's not really that hard. It's not really.
So I just think why worry. I mean and I think it would be very bad for business. It would be. The worst thing though is defamation threats are so much worse than death threats. Well they're expensive as we've seen you know in recent months.
Have you guys ever had one? I've had a few cease and desist type scenarios. Nothing ever serious I guess. Can I ask who from? Cricket Australia, Sportsbet, Jared Haynes people. I think that one thing that does protect us in that instance is that we don't have anything.
Other than the studio booth you're sitting in right now. I can see you. I can see you have stolen John Laws's golden microphone here. I mean and I feel privileged as the guest to be using this sparkling gold microphone.
We'd have to represent ourselves. I'll get a Dennis Denuto type character in a defamation suit. It's like how much better call Saul. Someone with a degree from the University of American Samoa. You've obviously experienced quite an important time especially in investigative journalism where we've seen a shift away from a paper trail into an online type trail. And we've seen at News Corp now they've started to sack a lot of the older journalists who don't know how to use a computer. I think everyone knows how to use a computer. Well yeah.
Except for Kenneth Hain, the head of the Royal Commission. He didn't.
We've seen that News Corp is starting to get rid of all their traditional print journalists.
How have you stayed ahead of the bell curve? What skills have you got that they don't?
I think one of the best things about the job is learning how to do new things. Like I love doing, you know, learning how to do geolocation. No, I love it. I just think all the things that, you know, that the data mining that you can do and the things that you can find out.
I went to see All the President's Men last year, you know, in the wake of the, you know, the Mueller inquiry. And of course that was about the Watergate scandal. And that film was made, I think it might have been in the, was it in the early 80s or the late 70s? Anyway, not long after Nixon, the whole, you know, Nixon Watergate thing had happened.
And what it reminded me of was that the major tool of an investigative journalist was the white pages of the phone book. And you forget how much information is now available. I remember in the Four Corners office we used to have a whole cupboard of white pages from all around Australia. And that's how you would find people. You would ring up every single person with that name because everyone had their phone number listed. And not only did they have their phone number listed, their address was listed with it. So in some ways it was much easier to find people because everyone was in the white pages. But even then, if you wanted to find out what directorships people had of a company, like if they were hiding their assets through the companies, you had to know the name of the company.
And you think, how ridiculous is that? How do I know?
And the only time I ever got lucky with that was you had to go down, you had to go in person down to the, you know, Australian Securities Commission as it was then known. And you had to fill out the form. And there was this one union boss that was supposedly on the take.
And someone said, oh, look, his greatest love in his life is his greyhounds. So I got a list of all his greyhounds and went down to company's house. And I remember that his champion greyhound Pied City was the one that was the name of the company. So I did get lucky ones. Oh, you just looked up the name of his greyhounds.
All of them. What a tragic name.
And to think that now you can sit at your desk and do all these things. And I think we don't get out of our office as often enough as we used to because everything is at your fingertips. But it's incredibly hard for freelancers to do this because every company search costs about $26. And like I can spend $300 in an afternoon just looking at connections. You need resources. You do need resources.
Yeah. Is that an interesting thing now you're seeing with, you know, stripping down of news publications? Of course, Fairfax, who you've written with most of your print career has merged with Channel 9. Do you feel like they're still putting an emphasis and prioritising what you do? Look, absolutely. And I think. Not just your employer but across the board. No, but I think a lot of the mastheads have realised that investigative journalism, those pieces that take longer to get, bring trust to the paper and bring, I just think, an extra feeling that they're doing something worthwhile. So and of course, you need people to do the daily news because you need those pages to be filled. But I think that they're really intent on investing money in investigative journalism because it pays off in the long run.
Well, it's been about a year since the merger between Fairfax and 9. It's been longer than a year since the Fairfax strikes. How has the job changed in the merger?
Absolutely not at all. Right. Apart from changing the name, it's fairly much business as usual. We might see a difference when we're actually in the same building because the Fairfax titles are all going to be housed in North Sydney. I think this is in 2020. So it'll be interesting to see whether that makes a change. You share an office with Ben Fordham. Exactly. But look, having said that, we are on the same floor as the Finn Review. Yep. And you know, the Sun Herald.
And there's always competition and separation between the titles. So I think if we've lived happily on the same floor, I don't see how it will be any different. And also, I just think the synergies between television and print are different. So I would imagine that we'd still keep going much as we are now.
You do your thing. Yeah. Now, a lot of people that you've reported on have died over the years. I killed them. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's kill or be killed. Yeah. They've either died as a result of their trade or, you know, you're in the young gun when Moonlight State happened. Now that a lot of those people are dead, can you say things about them? Like, for example, if I were to ask you right now, if you think Sir Joe was in on the joke. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So do you reckon most of that Sir Joe government would have known what was happening with the syndication and the money and the bribes? Look, I don't know.
I don't know how widespread it was known because the more people know, the more they put out their hand. So often it's advisable to keep those things close so you don't have to share the proceeds. And of course, the more the more people know, the more chance there is of it all coming undone. So you do try to keep those things into a little controlled entity. Now, yeah, obviously the defamation suits are a big worry for someone in your kind of trade. They don't really exist when someone dies. And there's a lot of people that died with a lot of secrets across politics in this country, business and politics.
What about, say, is there anyone you can spill the beans on? Anyone? What about Neville Rand? What can you tell us about him? Oh, don't get me started.
One of the things that I found most interesting about Neville Rand was the fact that he managed to make appointed to police commissioner who was little more than a police constable. You know, he might have been inspector. And the next thing we know is that Merv is the police commissioner.
I don't know. Didn't go too well from there. He's a gentleman of a Balmain boy, too, because Balmain boys don't cry. No, I can't remember whether he was a Balmain boy.
But there were interesting, interesting times. And there were other really interesting things, too, about the Lionel Murphy, who was the attorney general and was then appointed to the high court. And of course, there were those famous what became known as the age tapes with the police phone taps of organised crime figures. And they found there was this complete racket between lawyers and politicians and organised crime figures that was just going on. And Neville Rand wasn't on those phone taps, but he was referred to them indirectly. And that's where he got his nickname, Nifty, because that was what he was referred to was Nifty Neve. So, you know, he knew people who were on that tape and there were references made about him, not specifically that he was, you know, taking money, but no, just had interesting associations.
Well, we have seen on a state level how effective organisations like the Triple C and ICAC can be. Do you think we'll ever see a federal ICAC or is that a swamp that's just too murky? No, I think that we will see a federal ICAC as long as it's not the ludicrous model that the coalition currently have proposed.
Right. No, it's silly. The toothless tiger.
Well, OK, why would you have an inquiry that has no public hearings and the public can't even make a complaint? So it's only people in the department who can make a complaint and then they will only make a finding once they've got to the end of it. I mean, that's all behind closed doors.
And I mean, the thing about, you know, corruption is that famous old saying that the best disinfectant against corruption is sunlight. And I think a lot of people don't understand about the New South Wales Independent Commission Against Corruption. You know, a lot of the coalition claim it's a star chamber.
In fact, what happens is that they have private hearings beforehand to ascertain what they're likely to find, what people are going to say. So it's only after that process has been gone through that they then go to a public hearing. So they already know what's going to be there.
So I think for people to say that, you know, all it does is ruin people's reputations, that is just not true. Anticorruption bodies tend to have a bit of a process. You know, Australia loves a royal commission and it seems to be the only way to hold power to account outside of the work you do. But even the work you do now is being tested. Can you tell us as a journalist, are these AFP raids as scary as people are putting out there? Does it feel like they're trying to turn the newspapers of this country into toothless tigers as well? Look, it's hard to know what they're trying to do because the federal police or the New South Wales police or any police will not investigate unless there's a complainant. I mean, that's leaving aside things like, you know, murder or a crime such as that. For instance, if we do a story on, you know, sexual assaults or something like that, unless one of the people we write about goes to the police, the police aren't going to investigate just because we wrote a story. And it's the same with these.
Someone has had to complain to the police in order to do an investigation. Now, in some cases, it appears that Departmental Chief Mike Peluso was the one who complained, but they don't operate in isolation. I just think it's really a little bit beyond belief for the government to say we didn't know. Now, they might not have known the specifics of the raid, but to claim they didn't know that investigation was going on, I just find that a little bit hard to take. But I don't know who was doing public relations on behalf of the federal police because you have to think that they are just doing their job. They are enforcing the law. It's up to governments to change the law.
But to do consecutive raids on the two biggest media outlets in the country, you know, News Corp owned 70% of the newspapers in Australia and the ABC as well. Like to do those in separate days just provided a uniting front on behalf of the media, because I wonder if the ABC had just been raided. So I don't know whether news would have been quite so vocal. But socialists get raided every now and then. So I do think it was kind of a reverse masterstroke that the AFP did them in consecutive days. You think that was kind of like they were taking into account political spectrums? No, it could more have been just, OK, our two digital guys who are good at downloading, they're available on these two days. It could be as simple as that. Often when you think that there's a major conspiracy, there actually isn't. But I just think it was very ill thought out on their part to do these, you know, together.
When do you think was the scariest time in your career to be a journalist?
Gee, I don't know. I do remember once the New South Wales police were coming to raid me and they were rung up. They had to ring up from downstairs to get through security. And so then I just put all the files on somebody else's disk. There was nothing there. Look, I don't know. Exactly. Just move it over. Where are the files? Oh, I don't know.
I think defamation wise, it has never been as bad as it is now. I mean, it is just I've just had I mean, I started off this year with five defamation cases and I'm down now, I think just to two. One person who was suing for suggesting he was corrupt was then at the centre of a corruption inquiry by ICAC. So that was, yes, gone. And then you're going to prove it quicker. I know it is. And the thing is, is that in America, if you're a public person and you can sue for defamation, but you have to prove that the publication or the journalist was malicious in that they not only were they wrong, but they knew that they were wrong and they were malicious in the way that they went about it. Here it's the reverse.
And, you know, often when you do a story, I have to think to myself, OK, if I get sued, who among all my sources will step up and give evidence? And sometimes your sources, it would ruin their career if they were outed. So, you know, if you get sued, they're not going to stand up. So how do you prove what you're saying if your sources won't come forward?
Yes, it's really difficult. I suppose the first instance, like the one that really opened the floodgates here would be hockey.
That was the Herald, too, where they said, you know, it's the treasurer for sale. But in fact, what was interesting about that was I think that turned out to be not a good move by him in that. He was successful and I think got a $250,000 payout on, what do you call it, the billboard. The thing that leans against the wall at the newsagent. Oh, yeah, the pull up. I know what you're talking about. Yes, whatever that, the promo at the newsagents and also on a tweet that said, as you said, treasurer for sale.
But in actual fact, he lost the rest of the case, which was the actual content of the story which explained where this money came from. And because he lost that, he had to pay Fairfax's costs. Yeah. So in fact, he was seriously, well, no, I don't, actually, good question whether the government had. Is it treasurer? Well, then if that was the case, did he have to give the $250,000 he won back to the taxpayer? But anyway, look, he was seriously out of pocket in that case in court costs.
Yeah, it is frustrating that you can just do that in Australia. Do you think, you know, this is still ongoing, but do you think that Geoffrey Rush one wouldn't have stood up in America? Look, I don't know. It might have been good if the if the Telegraph had not beaten it up.
Yeah, I mean, the front page was fantastic. You know, King Lear was stunning.
But if they had just done but it was a slender story and if they had just put the story on page nine, you know, complaint received by Sydney Theatre Company. I think that they could have got away with it. But I just think that they got caught up in the whole me too thing and hadn't done. They wanted to get the work. They wanted to get their drop. They wanted their big fish.
Yeah. Now, you've covered a lot of things in your career. There was, as we mentioned, cannery bulldogs. Obed. Yeah. You spend a lot of time out in that part of Sydney anyway. Obed you stumbled across. It stumbled across me really.
No, it was just that in, funnily enough, in 1999, two guys from Balgalah in Sydney's northern suburbs contacted me and said that that had these this visit by these two Obed boys saying, you know, could they have their contract? They had a contract. These people had a contract to manufacture street poles for the city of Sydney and the Obeds wanted the contract. And they said, I will give you the Olympic contract. And they said, well, how are you going to do that?
And they said, our father is Eddie Obed. They dropped out in their first meeting with this guy. And they said, never heard of him. And quite frankly, I'd vaguely heard of him, but he was a backbencher who gives a stuff.
In state government. I know. So it was. So I did the story and then more information started coming through. And then I basically spent the rest of my career looking at poor Eddie.
And in fact, I remember his wife once saying to a whole lot of journalists, what have we ever done to that woman? What have we ever done to her that she keeps writing about us? And again, it's always it's always your fault.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, he was he was, again, very, very. And McDonald to like him. Look, can I just say that both Eddie and Ian are facing trial? It's due to start in July. So I think it's probably better if we don't talk too much about them, just in case any perspective. Yeah, for sure. Europe might be listening. Of course. We'll move on now. They are my favorite people.
There was just one thing here that I thought was interesting on the first week he bought a property. Yeah, no, no, no. I think he this was he bought a property in Clavelli and he brought I think he bought that on, I don't know, like the Tuesday. And then on the Wednesday, he's sworn into Parliament and then he sells it, having owned it for one day for double the price. And he sold it to the housing department in his own name.
Yeah, it's good. Oh, your job sounds very funny at times. Did you stumble across anything and laugh? So much. Like all the time. I mean, I think that's a thing I love about the job is that there's so much humor in it.
And I've just I've just finished doing a book on the murder of Michael McGurk. I know that doesn't sound funny, but the bungling efforts those guys went to to get a hitman were just so ridiculous. And in fact, they. So this guy called Hassafetli, who was supposed he was the one that actually did the murder in the end only because he couldn't find anyone to do it. But he gave, he gave fifteen thousand dollars to some, you know, drug addled person who just got out of jail for kidnapping. And that was to get two handguns. You know, the person who sold him the gun said, oh, I'm so sorry, but they were just about to be delivered by my courier. But the police were chasing her, so she had to throw them out the window.
I'm really sorry. Oh, right. Fifteen grand down.
Then he pays more for this and more for that. And in fact, the drug addled loser used the money as a deposit on a house. So then he turns around and then his friend Lucky Gatilari says to because he's got to and there's always more corrupt deals going on the side. So he said to one of the Aboriginal elders that he had a corrupt deal going on with, he said, look, surely you must know an Aboriginal who's terminally ill and about to die and who would like to do a hit. So you want a dying Aboriginal to be a murderer. They're going to cark it and get away. And then, you know, I know. And then Svetli himself. So in the end, he actually did do the murder. And I think having seen so many movies gets back to his house in southwestern Sydney. You know, lights a fire, puts all the clothes in there, burns them, puts the phone in and then realises that the murder money is in the back pocket. So then he burns his hands trying to get his clothes back out of the bin. The money he was paid to do it.
Yes. And you just think, oh no. So you do have, you know, like there are. Yeah, there are people out there. There are people out there.
And I mean, salim mahajah. What's not to love about? Well, the media just gives him so much oxygen. He needs his own reality TV show, to be honest. I think it'd be a good place to keep him. Keep an eye on everything Salim's doing. Keeping up with the mahajahs. That's a good name.
Now, when we talk about that corruption of Sir Joe era Queensland. That was kind of more of a bush thing when you kind of had all these cowboys and this new Queensland kind of. And a lot of it came from the bush. You know, you had those hens and you had those King of Roy, Sir Joe, and you had people from all around the place.
In New South Wales, it feels like it's a Sydney thing. Is there something about Sydney? You know, it's always been, John Birmingham wrote in that book Leviathan, where it's kind of like, it's just this city. There's something from the start to like from settlement to where we're at now. It's always been ex-rugby league players involved, ex-cops involved, cafe owner from Bondi's involved. Look, I think it's that it's like that because there's money to be made and lots of it. You know, the reason why it's been Sydney for so long is about our obsession with property and getting ahead.
And that's where the money is to be made. And, you know, I think that the most corrupt institution is local government. Oh, hell yeah. You know, like you can buy, you know, give somebody a second hand Honda Civic and get four extra stories on your building. And I think that's where they really need to stamp out the corruption.
Who poisoned this tree? Oh, no one knows. Funny that.
It does go to the top sometimes. Do you think there's a lot of blinkers put on? For example, when you look at something like current New South Wales government or the current Queensland government, when you look at people who hold power to account over the years, there's always a back story. I'm not sure if you grew up in a kind of congregation that was always, you know, Bob Hawke style, you know, if you want a farm outside of Orange. Where's your moral compass set? Like, how do you know? Because there's stuff we see in the news every day and sometimes journalists don't even report on it. Sometimes it's just released by government agencies. You're looking at kind of Peter Dutton with the childcare stuff where you're looking at Sam Dastyari with the China stuff. When do you decide it's time to actually report on it?
Because there's so much gray in the even in the very top. And it's not too that there's so much gray. There is like so much going on. And we are inundated with people, with information, with stories, with examples.
And, you know, sometimes you feel really bad saying, look, I'm sorry, I just can't do that. And I think you do develop a feel for what might be good. But sometimes there's just not the evidence that, you know, it's there, but how are you going to prove it? Or someone tells you something and they say, I know for a fact that X has taken money. And they probably do know for a fact, but that's not enough. Like we almost have to do things to the standard that, well, again, if you're sued, it will stand up. So you have to prove on the balance of probabilities that what you're saying is true. And you have to have supporting documents or you have to have somebody prepared to go into the witness box.
I think people think we just run things, you know, willy nilly without having gone through everything. But, you know, on the eve of, you know, running a major story, you don't feel elation. You just feel absolutely ill.
You know, have I got everything? Have I checked everything?
Because the stakes are really high and, you know, you don't want to be in a defamation suit. So what you're saying is there's no you're not out to get anyone. There's no character assassination.
It's just when you're overwhelmed with stuff about something, you've got to write. Sometimes you might just have a snippet of a story and that's enough to do something. And it's funny how you can do a single story like I did a story back in 2006 on this fraudster whose name was Matt Simons, who had fleeced a Campbell appearance of a total of five million dollars. Anyway, so bounce between the just bounce between families at a private school.
Yeah.
Well, no, he he'd got money from them, you know, supposedly to do these investments. And then earlier this year, I got contacted by a victim and I met. So he's out of jail and I managed to find another six victims.
So he's doing it. He's back.
And it's funny how I think the Internet also makes it easier for people to contact you. They might Google the name of somebody and they'll see that you have written something about that person before. So it's surprising how many repeat business you get. Well, now with the digital footprint, now you're saying it's just it's easier than ever to follow follow people around. But also it's easier for us to find out interstate whether, you know, because everything's on the line now. You can see whether they've been doing things, you know, in downtown Batuta or, you know, somewhere else. So just quickly before we go, Kate. There's probably a lot of young journalism grads or young sort of journalists who are looking to get into your line of work.
What advice would you have to them? It's it requires a certain amount of patience and you can't expect to just to have it all in your lap. It's really hard work. And also, I think it takes a while to build up, you know, both contacts and respect. Like I think one of the most important things I tell people is just the importance of behaving ethically. Like it doesn't matter if somebody is a criminal or a spiv in a shiny suit. If you give your word about something or if they say something is off the record, you do have to respect them and behave ethically. And, you know, once you do that, I think that can be really helpful in the long run because people know that you are trustworthy. And it's a really important thing in an age where, you know, people are willing to cut corners or, you know, do things to get ahead. It just means that sometimes those stories that you think might be there aren't there and you just have to keep going. It's it's difficult and it's a hard road.
And also a lot of young journalists, it's sort of like byline deprivation. Like what I do is I might not have my byline in the paper every day. And for a lot of young journalists, that's a dreadful thing. And the worst thing you can ever say to an investigative journalist is, do you still work there or have you been on leave when you haven't?
Because you've been working on something. So there are all those things to to balance really, but also and it takes a while to build up contacts. Well, thank you for joining us. We could go on for hours and hours. You've written a lot of articles, you've written a lot of books. We look forward to this next one, actually. I look forward to hearing the story of McGurk and and Galitari and Meditch.
Yeah, Gatilari. Gatilari.
Sadly, his name, his real name was Fortunato. Oh, that's why he got his name. He's obviously not like him. No, he's unfortunato. By name only. It's an ironic nickname.
We look forward to reading that and we look forward to anything else you've got in the works. Kate McClymont, thank you for joining us. Oh, thanks so much for having me. It was great. |
TheOnion | How_Cannibalistic_Militias_Could_Technically_Speaking_Wipe_Out_A_Small_South_American_Village | Let's burn Barcelona to the ground! Spiky as fuck. The village of Tisaleo in southern Ecuador may look peaceful to you, and technically it is. But it sure as hell wouldn't be if it was terrorized by a cannibalistic paramilitary unit, which at least theoretically could take over this close-knit village at any moment. We sent Nick Moss to the town that could someday, hypothetically, be taken hostage by militant cannibals. So I just got to the center of Tisaleo, and it's already pretty clear how dangerous this place would be if cannibal militants stormed out of the jungle with hatchets and knives, slashing throats at random. It'd be chaos. Ecuador's history of drug-related violence pales in comparison to the cartels that terrorize Colombia, Bolivia, and Peru. But it's not 100% impossible that rogue soldiers serving a charismatic leader could make these people's lives into hell on earth. Look at that kid. He'd be radicalized by the militants in days. They'd shoot him full of heroin, feed him a virgin's heart so he felt invincible, and then he'd come right back here and tear these women's intestines out and throw them in the trees. I mean, there's no earthly reason to think that would happen, but Jesus.
Hola. Hi. What's your name?
Do you understand that a militant could conceivably lop your head off with a machete and then make your friends use your head to play a ceremonial game of soccer in front of the militia lieutenants? It was heartbreaking to see how unprepared these villagers would be for events like the ones I was illustrating with the mock-ups created by Edge's graphics team, even if there wasn't a scrap of evidence to hint that they'd ever happen. I spoke to Manuela Vallez, a mother of three, and showed her what it would be like if men came for her kids under the shadow of this fucked-up, completely speculative threat. How do you talk to your kids about the men you can't definitively prove won't be coming for them? What men? The men who would do this.
Her, she's dead. Her, she's raped and then dead.
But the littlest one, they'd save. They'd eat him to absorb his vitality. God, that's so, so depraved. But we can't say with absolute certainty that that won't happen to this beautiful child. While there's ample evidence that this quiet village will continue to exist in peace for many, many years, there's just no guaranteeing that everyone around me won't be murdered and feasted upon this very night. And if they are, theoretically, I can't help but wonder if the world would even care. Next time on Edge, the sewer people of Legoland. Plus, we look for the reporter we left in a 747 turbine. |
dropout | the_nobody_drinks_for_free_creep | Hey guys, we're family here.
We've got a little sneak peek from this week's episode Yes, not only do we have this scene which we hope you'll like but we also have Ben Schwartz in this week's episode So watch it Wednesday at 8 on pop TV.
Watch it on your TV Can I buy you a drink Fantastic just gonna need a down payment hand job drop a quick tit something up front so I know you're good for it Why I don't even know your name Ronce Ronce clever I'm an important man with money to burn a lot of women want to be sitting where you're sitting So I'm gonna need a deposit like a wink Like slip a finger in my pocket and touch the side of my dick stick your tongue in my ear gently massage my upper Thigh while maintaining eye contact.
I don't buy a woman a drink without a guarantee of a sexual exchange I thought you had money to burn cuz I make smart investments.
Here's the deal you pinch my nipples I buy you a drink over the shirt gets you well liquor, but you got to go under for top-shelf squeeze hard, too Guys have gotten so much savvier since I was single the housing market collapse has affected us all Ronce just out of curiosity We'll put a one thousand seven hundred and forty two dollar bill run a girl three days sex capade you and me hit the sauna Get a sweat going and spend 72 hours stewing in each other's juices You okay, I should have walked away at thickness.
They're like little rolled up pepperonis and they can do damage your loss |
cracked | 4_awkward_true_stories_about_dealing_with_death_show_and_tell | We're bringing it down a little today on Show and Tell. We're here to talk about death and near death experiences. Today I want to talk to you about death. I'm glad I came here for this.
It wasn't like most kids where you have a pet that dies first and that's how you sort of get the idea of it. I had pets, but they just lived forever. We had mice for a while and one got loose and it was stepped on. We had a gerbil that we kept in the basement. One night it was too cold in the basement, froze to death. Then I got fish, because fish are easy, but those died too. Then we got a kitten and then I heard a blood-curdling scream from my mother. We didn't get any more pets after that.
When I was little, my brother and I, when I was nine and he was six, were in a pretty serious car wreck. He was driving, his fault. These are the depositions and what I really came to understand is that if you put them side to side, I'm just a way better witness. So just to start, right off the bat, this is my brother's opening repartee with the opposing lawyer.
Where do you go to school? Montessori. What grade are you in? I don't know. How long have you been going to Montessori? I don't know. Alright, here's my opener. Michael, where do you go to school? Maria Montessori Elementary School.
Complete name? I could have given the address if I had to. What grade are you in? Fifth, sir? Are you kidding me?
The first time that I really had to encounter death was because my parents went away to China and we got a postcard from my dad and I was probably late twos, early threes and my brother read it to me and in the postcard, my dad had talked all about how my mom had been eaten by an octopus and so my brother really laid it out for me that mom was never coming back. I couldn't contextualize that yet because she had already been away for so long. I think it had been probably like five days and so in my mind I thought well so it's no different than right now right and he said yeah no different and I went oh that's fine so continuing with my brother the lawyer says you can't just say uh-huh or yeah you have to say yes or no is that clear okay is that a yes yeah is that a yes uh-huh over on my side who's your favorite superhero spider-man court dated documents Dan O'Brien that I am the OG spider-man fan on this site the other time that I encountered death I actually dealt it there was a chipmunk on a class school we were on like a field trip and it was up on a rock and this kid Stephen and Verso said I bet you can't hit that chipmunk with that rock the first time I finally got my license I got in the car I was all set to look wicked and so I got in the car pulled out of the driveway and had a can of Coca-Cola and I was like you know what I'm gonna take a sip of this coke while I'm driving and that's gonna look really really cool and this chipmunk was easily four football fields away so I take a sip but not in a cool way because it drips all over me and I threw that rock and I drop it on myself and it sailed through the sky as if guided by Providence I swerving to the left and hit that chipmunk and then I hit a car so of course we went in for a closer look to examine this chipmunk and it was not doing well I'm fine it was still alive but it had red pieces of it falling out and not just blood but like organs I guess my only thought was that I had to save this chipmunk by killing it so I picked up the rock that it had been standing on and dropped it and I felt like I had really done something good for my grand finale and the final nail in the coffin which is not good terminology for this episode two specially selected lines from my own deposition that I think prove that I'm by far the superior comedian in a car accident witness situation your brother stayed in the hospital too right yeah he was in the bed next to me had you ever been in a hospital before yeah I was born in a hospital but I don't remember it you're welcome chipmunk you're welcome hey guys Brendan here just reminding you to subscribe to the crack channel and everything hey I started just like you you know but now I get to be an actor I get to edit some videos I get to walk the guys dogs I get to do laundry I get to um I get to be called the third Katie a lot I get to have my blood transfused completely for a joke so yeah I get to do she's really Brad what the fuck are you doing Brendan but yeah get out of my chair sorry hey there subscribe sword what the fuck are you doing it's Brendan actually get out get out I don't care who you are hey thanks I'm sorry subscribe Brendan what are you |
dropout | the_pre_hook_up_clean_up | Hey, thanks for having me. Of course. Come on in. Okay. You got here fast.
Sorry, the place is such a mess.
It looks fine. Well, I try.
Can I get you the obligatory drink? Can I have the obligatory glass of water?
Yeah, of course. Awesome. Oh, is it okay if I charge my phone in here? Yeah, there's a charger behind the couch. Cool. No. There's a charger to charge your phone within the bedroom.
Okay.
Oh, I'm so glad that you look like your pictures. I hate it when guys try to trick you like that. It's like, why are you trying to pretend to be someone you're not, you know? Totally. It's like lying is only going to make you look bad in the end. Yeah.
My water won't turn on.
No worries. Have a seat. Okay. Oh. Yes. Caught me. Hey, no. Don't worry about it. It's okay. That's exactly why I don't like hosting. You know, if one thing is out of place, I'm mortified. Oh, God. Same. Do you mind if I use your restroom? No. It's right through there. Cool. I'll be right back. Yeah.
Hey. Here you are. Yes. Hello. Hi.
There's a bunch of socks.
Okay.
There's a bunch of socks in your bathtub. Weird. Yeah. That's crazy. I was looking for those.
Okay. Good. Thank you.
What else are you looking for? All sorts of things.
Yeah. Do you mind if I just take one thing out of my backpack? Sure.
Ugh. You know, I feel like such a dweeb, you know? Mm-hmm.
When I wear a backpack to a hookup, it's like, hi. You know? Yeah. What are you? Because you have the...
You don't want to be carrying around bulky-ass pockets. You can't have that big pockets.
You'd look... you'd look...
I mean, I could wear pockets, but they're just going to be so bulky. You can't. They're just going to be so bulky. You'd have stuff in them the whole time. That isn't going to be...
Do you know what I mean?
That would look crazy. You'd look crazy if you had that. And nobody wants to look crazy.
No, no, no, no. All right. Here we go. Oh, here they are. Good. Yes. Oh. So you got some already. I'm all set. Yeah. Come here. You come here. Clap. Okay. Here we go.
Let's get on the bed. We are. We are on the bed already. I don't think we are. This is where my bed is.
Okay. Wait.
So, when you came over, you got here really fast. And so I did a quick clean instead of a full clean. And when you do a quick clean, you know, things wind up where they're not supposed to.
But that's fine. Yes. That's fine.
Hey, I can put anything I want to anywhere I want, okay? Because I'm an adult and this is my house and this is my birthright to put things, you know, where I want them.
And honestly, why did you get here so fast? Why did you run? Who runs to a hookup? You shouldn't have run here. I am not fun enough for you to run here. So, so what's your hurry?
It's cool. I just want a hookup. Oh, great. Yeah. All right. Cool. Please.
Hide with it. Oh, there's trash and I can smell it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_spent_six_years_and_45_000_developing_the_burrito_bone | Are you sick to shit of your burrito just falling apart? How do you even hold it? It's like eating a big bag of diarrhea. It's floppy as hell, it has no rigidity. It's like eating a big bag of diarrhea.
Gone are the days of embarrassing yourself at the Mexican restaurant. No more will you dump the guts of a carnitas burrito onto your crotch. No more shouting because the salsa verde ruined your favorite pair of chinos. And then, your best friend asks you to leave her birthday dinner because she said you pushed her niece to the ground and that I'm being delusional. But you know for a fact it was because of the burrito mess.
And that's why I invented the burrito bone. What's the burrito bone? Exactly what it sounds like. It's a burrito, it's a bone that goes in your burrito. It makes it hard, it gives it structure, it's not gonna fall over like your best friend's niece. A lot of people say, oh wow, is a burrito bone edible? Can you eat the bone with the burrito?
What? No, of course not. Think of any other food with a bone in it. When you eat a chicken wings or a rib, do you say, mm, can't wait to eat the best part, the bone part? And then you eat the bone? Of course not. The same principle applies here. You don't eat the bone, you eat around the bone like a corn on the cob. I could have called it the burrito cob, but I like the sound of burrito bone better, so we're keeping it that. People also ask, can I reuse the bone? Can I wash the bone and use it again for another burrito? No! Do not wash the bone.
It's a one use only. It'll destroy your washing machine. It'll ruin your next burrito. You eat the burrito off the bone, you throw the bone away into the trash can, then you buy another burrito bone for the next time. It's that simple. I'm tired of people asking me that.
If you order now, you'll get the burrito zipper for free. It's so easy to use, you just zip the burrito closed and it keeps the inside shut tight. No, you cannot eat the burrito zipper. It's a zipper, oh my God. You gotta eat around the zipper, you gotta eat around the bone. Hey, shut up, shut up! Finally, it comes with the burrito bag. It's a bag for your burrito when you wanna go somewhere with your burrito.
This one's pretty normal. I haven't gotten a lot of pushback on this one. I'm not super passionate about it, but you can have it. In conclusion, I worked really hard on this. I spent a ton on manufacturing and distribution. I saved a little on marketing. So if you want one, I will not give you the number to call because it's my personal cell and I'm waiting for my doctor to call with the results for a test that I got that's private. Just look up, just look it up.
I'm making a website. I had a previous website, but I lost, I forgot the name. So I'm currently in the process of moving everything over to the new website.
You like and subscribe and comment the words, bone me, I'll throw in a free extra burrito bone. And honestly, maybe you should pay a little extra. I'm kind of going out of my way to give you a double bone here. Careful, don't eat that small paper. |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_episode_1 | Whoa, oh my lord, it's time for the astronaut accountants featuring Ace and Jocelyn. What the fuck are you doing? Basically, we're two astronaut accounts from outer space.
You're Ace, you're tall and you're a good looking ladies guy. And I'm Jocelyn, you're sorta psychic, a little more cute, but I still get pussy. But not as much as you because I don't look as good in jeans.
And basically- Will you help me pick these up, please? Oh my gosh. What a find. What are these weird plastic rods? Who am I supposed to call with them? I have no idea.
So you know they're for calling people? But you don't. But you think they're foreign rods. But they're for calling people, definitely.
Right? Stick to the script, brother. Let's cut. What's the script? I emailed you a script. When? Right before I got here, like 10 seconds ago. What do I say to that? What? You know that that's stupid, right?
They can't go anywhere without being together. Not even the bathroom. I can hear you and you better not fucking take me, Amir.
What's that, Ace? Oh my- Oh my- Until next time, you're my best friend. Dasslin. You're my best friend too, Ace. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_saturday_night_live | Well, according to friends of Billy Joel, the Piano Man's new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexa. If Freud were alive today and asked to comment on this, I think he'd say I'm the father of modern psychoanalysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st century. And you're asking me about Billy Joel's girlfriend.
According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. Genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn, except that when you bite into it, it screams, hi, Steve, what are you doing here?
I'm doing a cameo. Okay, just doing a cameo, huh? Yeah, I was just at home in bed, and I thought I'd like to do a cameo. What's he doing? He says he's he's doing a cameo Steve: Do you want to tell a joke or something? Oh, no, just doing a cameo and I think it's going well. Uh, how long is your cameo? just regular cameo link. Just a few more seconds and there we go. Great work, you know, so it's a really good cameo.
You think Mike Tyson surprised sports fans this week with a new tattoo on his face? But before you judge Mike Tyson's new tattoo, wait until it's finished so you can see the entire rape scene. Next week is Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Fat So's the Dallas Cowboy. Cheerleaders announced that they will be holding tryouts across the country to find new stars for their squad. Let's see. yeah, I'll need dancing lessons. Yes! $4,000 for a boob job and some duct tape to hide my penis? Yes, Tina Fey. This plan might work in other news rumors are circulating in England of a possible Spice Girls reunion.
Oh, wow. thank God. I can finally end my hunger strike. Eat it all. It's like eight hours old. You. |
CrackerMilk | abusing_our_intern_crackermilk_podcast_episode_9 | I've worked really hard on this costume, so like, this is the bit that I've written down what part you need to do the bit. What's this for your bit, is it? Yeah, this is for my bit.
How much did the outfit cost you, dude? I didn't cost you, it took me forever to make, I made it. How long did it take you to make it? Like two days. Are you serious? Yeah, well you've got to iron on each bit.
Show us the back. Bend over for us on the chair and show us. What? Bend over on the chair and show us.
The shirt? No, just bend over a bit more, I can't really see the denim. Of the denim?
Bend over more, bend over more. Just a little bit more. Bend over more and I'll kill you back.
And then look back, what are you doing? Yeah, and look back, look up, like look up. Oh, there's someone above you, look up, there's someone above you.
Yeah, get scared, they're attacking you. Oh no! Anyway, this bit I worked really hard on. Okay, and you ready? Uh huh.
Hello everyone and welcome back to Get Out. Get Out, you're out. Get the fuck out. Fuck this. We don't give a fuck that you spent time on this. You don't belong.
You told him, bro. You told him, dude. Oh yeah, I did.
How are we feeling today, guys? I'm feeling so hot and sexy. Yeah, how are you feeling? I'm good.
Yeah, and welcome back to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. Hey, you know what's crazy, guys? What? You know what's crazy? What?
I met a dude the other day. No, you didn't.
He showed me that he built a working time machine. A working time machine? A what? I don't know how to say it because I've only seen the word on paper. He built a working time machine. I saw it like a time machine. Yeah, yeah, similar to a time machine, I think. I don't know, but new spell machine M-A-S-P-F-I-N-E, right? And that time machine can go anywhere.
Anytime. Anytime! Anywhere! Part-time you!
That's what he sounded like and then I king hand him in the back of the head so he's dead and now we have the time machine. Oh, fuck yeah. Nice. And the best part of this time machine is it's just like the one from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
And if any of you comes out there, say I look like the guy that isn't Keanu Reeves, The one with the noodle hair. Yeah, if anybody looks, fuck you. I don't. Fuck you. Take off your hat, prove it. No I've got straight, I've got long straight hair under this hat.
What's this? What's that? What's that popping up there? Nothing.
Prove it. No you've got a little tag poking up. You've got to give me that tag. Oh let me get that tag.
Ohhh! Ahhh!
Noodle hat, noodle hat, noodle hat. Noodle.
And scene. But the thing is, the one in that film's a phone booth.
This one, it's a porta potty. Oh good. And the only way we can travel in time is if all three of us share the toilet at once and take a shit. I just had myself a nice, tasty, jalapeno bopper. So I feel like I need to shit real bad.
What about you? Well I had a lot of KFC kernel chicken. Yeah, okay. And you? Well I had my gallbladder removed recently so I've had any food. Oh okay.
Whoa! Hey while we're traveling through time, we should find public key figures so we can deliver the best ancient history speech we've ever delivered. That's a great idea. 1942! Okay let's go! Whoa! Okay let's get in the time of year and not go to 1945, that's not the way you meant it. Yeah I think that's good. Okay let's try again. Whoa! We're going to old England!
Will it double you? I write poems and I speak them. Whoa, he would be perfect for our history exam, dude. I think so. What could I help you boy with? Well mate, we are looking to take people like you, my cunt, back into our port-a-potty, take a big shit with us, and then go and do an ancient history speech with us. What?
Well what's a port-a-potty? A port-a-potty is a shitter.
So mate, do you mind just giving us an example of some of your works before we bring you with us? Oh of course, well perhaps you can help me act some out. Okay, no worries. Well there's one that I have called Romeo and Juliet. No worries.
That's about a boy and a girl. Is it? And what they do, at one point in it, they kiss each other. Do they? Is that what they do, Bill? That's what I do. Wow.
What others do you have? Well, there's a player I've got called King Weir, and in King Weir he's got a king and his sons or daughters, I can't remember, but they... Well perhaps we go to a different player.
Okay. Let's go Miss Summer Night Weem. Yeah. Why, what is it? Miss Summer Night Weem.
I haven't heard of that one. I didn't know Shakespeare wrote that.
That's what we call dreams in old England. I thought I had a weem. Yeah, you'd never weem. What do you call nightmares? Oh, wadweems.
Wow, Will, you sound like a real horny prick. Yeah, well, hey, you go keep people in a tongue. All right, come on. Come on, Will, let's go. You with me? Yeah, come on, Connor. Oh, thanks, boy. Can you just do a little kiss? I just want to make sure that you are right fit for me. Oh, my tongue.
Oh, and I gotta take a shit. Come on, guys. Let's all take shits together and go back in time. It's a bit crowded. I've eaten anything in this day and age. I'm shit already.
Wow. Holy shit.
Where are we, Tom? What year? America, but in the Civil War. Oh, look. Look, it's Abe Lincoln.
I've hunted vampires. What? I hunt vampires. No, Abe Lincoln doesn't hunt vampires. Have you seen him? He doesn't hunt vampires. Have you not seen Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?
That's a film. It's based on a true story.
I'll tell you what, how about we'll tweak this man to a little play. Hey, I'll put on one of my plays. All right. That sounds great, yeah. All right. Let's go down the theater now, shall we?
Hey, Abe, you sitting down? Let's go sit in the stands opposite to Abe's, so we've got a nice view of Abe. I want to make sure I can see that he's really enjoying this play of mine. All right, let's have a look. Hey, Abe, you enjoying the play up there? Yeah, I wish there were more vampires in the room.
It's all right. The king's about to come down. Oh, the king's close as the king's coming. Okay.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, Abe Lincoln's just been shot. We've got a bail. We've got a dip. Abe Lincoln's just been shot? What the fuck? We've got a dip. Oh, my God.
I'm still hyperventilating. I need oxygen. Oh, let me give you some oxygen. Just like one of my plays. I haven't finished giving you oxygen.
No, I've had enough. It's too bad. No, I've had enough.
You keep saying this, but then you hyperventilate again. If I hyperventilate, I'll have more. Just relax. Okay, let's go back in the giant portal, guys.
We're in the bunkers of World War I. Whoa. We're in Gallipoli. What's World War I?
Fill me in, boys. I've missed that. Oh, mate.
So what happened? What happened? So what happened, mate? What happened?
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm all co-op now. Yeah, absolutely.
It's a soldier. Oh, it's an Australian ANZAC. Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us about your history here in the ANZAC bunkers?
We're not meant to be here. It's a suicide. What? It's a fucking suicide. Well, you've taken a very dark and serious tone of this.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Perhaps we talk to this other man, just behind you, who knew what's going on, guys? I'm the mailman! How you feeling? Real fucking terrible. I just gotta... I'm bringing some bad news. You guys... What's up?
We have to storm. Storm the breach. We gotta... You guys have gotta come with me. We gotta jump over. We gotta run into the battle. We gotta run into No Man's Land.
I'm so sorry. So, anyways... Catch us later! See you mate! Hang on, I've got a solution. What we need to do, is...
You know a beast... beast... war? Peace and love. And food. And you know what feels good here? Turkish delight. And I just so happen to have made a batch, boys.
Alright, mate. Off you go! Alright. Off I...
Oh no, William Shakespeare's dead! Guys, we killed William Shakespeare.
I was here the whole time. Hey, Tom. I dropped my wallet out there in No Man's Land.
Do you mind picking it up for me? Yeah, man, I'll just go get... Holy fucking shit, he just got shot in the head. Dude, that's heavy, hey? Dude, oh yeah, I found this shiny coin out there. Do you want that? Yeah, fuck it. I'm just gonna chuck it out in No Man's Land. Okay. Go get it! I just... Okay.
War was a hard time for everyone, and we need to keep that in mind. Because it's very important that podcasts have a message in this day and age, and war is not the solution.
Okay? Thank you for coming to our performance today, and we hope that this sticks with you, because we are trying to make a difference in the world. And that was the end of our presentation. Do you think that we passed ancient history speech? I think we did really well with that. I think that was great. Yes! Yay!
Oh, what's wrong? I need my asthma buffer. Oh, here, tap some oxygen.
Thanks. Um, please follow our Instagram and... This is how the soldiers in World War One had to save each other's lives after being shot. Follow our Instagram and subscribe to us, and give us money on Patreon, so we can buy groceries. Oh, fuck yeah. Come back. And join us on our Discord. There's lots of great avenues of interacting with us, which we wish you do. Yeah. See you next time on the next podcast.
Oh, that's so good. And no worries. That's about a boy and a girl. Is it? And what they do, at one point in it, they kiss each other. Do they? Is that what they do, Bill? That's what I do. Wow. What others do you have?
Oh, well, there's a player I got called King Weir. And in King Weir, he's got a king and his sons or daughters.
I can't remember. But they... Well, perhaps we go to a different player. How about we? Let's go Miss Summer Night Weem. Yeah. And Miss Summer Night Weem.
I haven't heard of that one. I didn't know Shakespeare wrote that.
That's what we call dreams in, in old England. I thought it was Weems. What do you call nightmares? Oh, wadweems.
Wow, Will. You sound like a real horny prick. Yeah, well, hey, you go keep people entertained. All right, come on. Come on, Will. Let's go. You like me? Yeah, come on, come on. Thanks, boys. Can you just do a little kiss? I just want to make sure that you are right fit for me.
Oh, my tummy. Oh, and I got to take a shit. Come on, guys. Let's all take shits together and go back in time. I've eaten anything in this day and age. And I'm just... I'm shit already.
Whoa! Holy shit, where are we, Tom? What year?
America, but in the Civil War. Oh, look. Look, it's Abe Lincoln.
That's a film. It's based on a true story.
I'll tell you what, how about we'll tweak this man to a little play. Hey, I'll put on one of my plays. All right, that sounds great. Let's go down the field now, shall we?
Hey, Abe, are you sitting down? Let's go sit in the stands opposite to Abe. So we've got a nice view of Abe, because I want to make sure I can see that he's really enjoying this play of mine. Let's have a look. Hey, Abe, are you enjoying the play up there?
Yeah, we still have more vampires in the zone. It's all right, the king's about to come down. Oh, the king's close as the king's coming.
Oh, no!
Oh, no, Abe Lincoln's just been shot. We've got a bail, we've got a dip. Abe Lincoln's just been shot? What the fuck? We've got a dip.
Oh my god, I'm still hyperventilating. I need oxygen. Oh, let me give you some oxygen. Just like one of me plays. I haven't finished giving you oxygen.
No, I've had enough. It's too bad. No, I've had enough.
You keep saying this, but then you hyperventilate again. If I hyperventilate, I'll have more. Just relax.
Fill me in, boys. I missed that. Oh, mate. So what happened, mate? What happened?
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm more quiet now. Yeah, absolutely.
It's a soldier. Oh, it's an Australian Anzac. Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us about your history here in the Anzac bunkers?
We're not meant to be here. It's a suicide. What? It's a fucking suicide.
Wow, you've taken a very dark and serious tone of this. Yeah, I'm sorry. Perhaps we talk to this other man just behind you. I'm the mailman. How you feeling? Real fucking terrible. I just got to bring in some bad news. You guys, what's up?
We have to storm. Storm the breach. We got to, you guys are going to come with me. We got to jump. We've got to run into the battle. We've got to run into no man's land.
I'm so sorry. So anyways, catch us later. See you, mate. Hang on, I've got a solution.
What we need to do is, you know, a peace war? Peace and love and food. And you know what food's good here? Turkish delight. And I just so happen to have made a batch, boys. So if we can, if we can walk, if we can walk across no man's land with these Turkish delights, we might be able to win them over.
All right, mate. Off you go.
Oh no, William Shakespeare's dead. Oh guys, we killed William Shakespeare.
I was here the whole time. Hey Tom, I dropped my wallet out there in no man's land. Do you mind picking it up for me?
Holy fucking shit. He just got shot in the head. That's heavy.
Hey dude. Oh yeah. I found this shiny queen out there. Do you want that? Yeah, I'm just going to chuck it out in no man's land. Okay. Go get it. I just, okay.
War was a hard time for everyone. And we need to keep that in mind because it's very important that podcasts have a message in this day and age and war is not the solution.
Okay. Thank you for coming to our performance today. And we hope that this sticks with you because we are trying to make a difference in the world. And that was the end of our presentation. Do you think that we passed ancient history speech? I think we did really well with that. I think that was great. Yeah.
Oh, what's wrong? I need my asthma buffer. Oh here, tap some oxygen.
Thanks. Um, please, uh, follow our Instagram and- This is how the soldiers in World War One had to save each other's lives after being shot. Follow our Instagram and subscribe to us and give us money on Patreon so we can, we can buy groceries. Come back and join us on our discord. There's lots of great avenues of interacting with us, which we wish you do. Yeah. See you next time on the next podcast. Oh, that's so good. |
cracked | the_4_worst_lessons_disney_movies_taught_us_as_kids_after_hours | Well, shouldn't cast a white dude as Aladdin, sends kids the wrong message. So does seeing Aladdin beaten with a chair over the head and tossed in the Huck Finn River. I mean, what's next? White Jesus? Absurd. Ah, Disney teaches terrible lessons left and right anyway.
Hey. Racism. Easy. I mean, Dumbo has a jive-talking blackbird named Jim Crow. And in the Jungle Book, the clearly black monkeys talk about how they want to be real people. And the King Monkeys are like, Here's your part of the deal, cuz. Lay the secret on me. No, it's totally racist. That's what I'm saying.
It's the Monkeys.
Now I don't remember. Could you just give me some mozzarella sticks and you get a chance? And you just changed diners.
I think the point Katie is so racistly trying to make is that you don't have to dig very deep in Disney movies to find a terrible lesson. Take, for example, The Little Mermaid. The prince is seduced by an evil sea witch who's trying to overthrow a king, turn him into a zombie, and then eat all of his children. But don't worry, there's a happy ending. The prince impales her with an entire boat right in the gut, which inexplicably causes her to get struck by lightning.
If they put explosives in her mouth, they'd have all four of the shark deaths from Jaws covered. And just imagine Ariel's horror on her wedding night when she finds out how human sex works. Please elaborate. In a voice that I'm sure will be 10% too loud for everyone's comfort. Fish sex is insertion free! There it is. You see, the females just lay a clutch of eggs and then the dudes come by and crop dust them. Ariel's expecting Eric to crank one out into a bathtub that she just egged into. Which is not how sex actually works.
Quasimodo falls in love with this beautiful woman, even saves her, just like he's supposed to. But does he get the girl? No. He gets the right to go out in public. The blonde, handsome shithead gets the girl, who wasn't even in the book in the first place. Because this is this, and this is that, and this is Disney. What happens in the book? She gets betrayed, hanged, and her bones turn to dust.
Oh! Ha! Oh, that's really sad. Well, what about Beauty and the Beast? Huh?
That taught us not to judge a book by its hairy, ill-tempered cover. Oh, Michael, it's a trap. Let's chart the Beast's progress on the fuckability curve, shall we? In the beginning, he is a hideously ugly beast-slash-violent kidnapper. Then, he meets a pretty girl, who teaches him how pretty people act. And slowly but surely, he moves his way over to the nice guy end of the spectrum, which... ...magically makes him handsome again.
Ow. It does? It does. Gotta stop starting arguments about movies I haven't seen. And he's not even the first Disney character to literally shape-shift to match his relative awfulness.
Snow White is a world ruled by the most attractive, or the fairest in the land. Yeah, I feel like women wearing speed skating onesies under their clothes. I do. The Evil Queen checks her beauty ranking in the mirror, like a politician checking his poles in an election year. Boo! And, as soon as she falls to the number two spot, she decides she has to take out the new pretty girl, because... The only thing that matters is being the prettiest. Exactly. Well, I wasn't finishing your sentence.
So, the Narcissistic Queen, when she goes on her mission to take out Snow White with a poisoned apple, why does she disguise herself as the most hideous hag Disney could draw? Because Disney couldn't allow a pretty woman to commit murder.
He wanted to send a message. A message that would echo through the Disney Halls for decades and decades and decades.
This is how ugly people act. This is how bad people look. And this is what happens to them. Oh, and look at Boo!
I mean, she's nice, I'm pretty, and the whole town loves her. So, they give her a bunch of free bread and tell her how adorable it is that she can read. And she's all like, ugh, f*** bread, nobody understands me. And she gets away with it.
Disney Princesses teach us that personality, intelligence, none of that matters. I mean, when a Disney Princess makes her own decision, it's a train wreck. Snow White eats the apple because she's the ideal Disney Princess. A dummy who relies on her looks and her looks alone. So, being good looking is a superpower. I would like to revise my answer from the super power conversation. And in the Disney universe, talking and thinking are like kryptonite. I mean, Snow White doesn't sweet talk the Huntsman into letting her go.
He falls for her after watching her creepily from a bush, and then she sets a great example for the kids by running off into the woods and deciding to take a nap in seven tiny, unmade beds. Belonging to seven tiny, filthy, backwood, sex-starved minors.
Yeah, that could have gone really differently. It almost does. Dwarves are moments away from murdering her with a pickaxe, but then they see her pretty sleeping face and they fall in love with her. Right? And then she eats the coma apple, and then they think she's dead, but instead of accidentally almost burying her alive, they want to just look at her pretty sleeping face. I mean, that's her thing. She's attractive to look upon only when she remains stationary and silent.
And I ate that shit. Ugh! Ah, trust me. You didn't.
It even saves her in the end. When Prince Charming comes in and he sees this coma girl passed out, his first instinct is to kiss her. Wait, are we talking about Snow White still or Sleeping Beauty? Both. Disney princesses are at their best when they're out cold.
They're not, then they're either eating poisoned apples or selling their told of the devil. And we're sure Disney didn't have that fetish where you love to chloroform women, because that is all I got from Fantasia. Disney established this disgusting culture where being good-looking doesn't just make you good, it's the only thing that makes you good. Having a personality is a liability. Just be pretty and quiet and asleep if possible.
That's why Kim Kardashian has been on a hundred times more magazine covers than Hillary Clinton. Walt Disney! Look, Katie. I'm sure at some point there's going to be a spunky Disney princess with glasses.
Look how calm and peaceful she looks with her eyes closed and none of that, bah! None of that. Go to sleep, little dove. Just want to put her in me wee pocket. Don't touch me.
You do me a favor. You know what would make me really happy? Like, just the happiest? It's a view. If you click subscribe. Yeah, that'd be great. Stay up to date on all the latest craft videos.
King Blackbird named Jim Crow. And in the Jungle Book, the clearly black monkeys talk about how they want to be real people. And the king monkeys are like, Here's your part of the deal, cuz. Lay the secret on me.
No! It's totally racist. That's what I'm saying.
It's the monkeys.
Now I don't remember. Could you just give me some mozzarella sticks when you get a chance and just change diners?
I think the point Katie is so racistly trying to make is that you don't have to dig very deep in Disney movies to find a terrible lesson. Take, for example, The Little Mermaid. The prince is seduced by an evil sea witch who is trying to overthrow a king, turn him into a zombie, and then eat all of his children. But don't worry, there's a happy ending. The prince impales her with an entire boat right in the gut, which inexplicably causes her to get struck by lightning.
If they put explosives in her mouth, they'd have all four of the shark deaths from Jaws covered. And just imagine Ariel's horror on her wedding night when she finds out how human sex works. Please elaborate. In a voice that I'm sure will be 10% too loud for everyone's comfort. Fish sex is insertion free! There it is. You see, the females just lay a clutch of eggs and then the dudes come by and crop dust them. Ariel's expecting Eric to crank one out into a bathtub that she just egged into. Which is not how sex actually works. Sure.
Quasimodo falls in love with this beautiful woman, even saves her just like he's supposed to. But does he get the girl? No. He gets the right to go out in public. The blonde, handsome, shithead gets the girl.
The guy who wasn't even in the book in the first place. Because this is this, and this is that, and this is Disney. What happens in the book? She gets betrayed, hanged, and her bones turn to dust. Oh! Oh. That's really sad. Well, what about Beauty and the Beast? That taught us not to judge a book by its hairy, ill-tempered cover. Oh, Michael, it's a trap.
Let's chart the Beast's progress on the fuckability curve, shall we? In the beginning, he is a hideously ugly beast-slash-violent kidnapper. Then he meets a pretty girl who teaches him how pretty people act. And slowly but surely, he moves his way over to the nice guy end of the spectrum, which... ...magically makes him handsome again.
Ow. It does? It does. Gotta stop starting arguments about movies I haven't seen. And he's not even the first Disney character to literally shape-shift to match his relative awfulness.
Snow White is a world ruled by the most attractive, or the fairest in the land. Yeah, I feel like women wearing speed skating onesies under their clothes. I do. The narcissistic queen checks her beauty ranking in the mirror like a politician checking his polls in an election year. Boo! And as soon as she falls to the number two spot, she decides she has to take out the new pretty girl because... The only thing that matters is being the prettiest. Exactly. Well, I wasn't finishing your sentence.
So, the narcissistic queen, when she goes on her mission to take out Snow White with a poisoned apple, why does she disguise herself as the most hideous hag Disney could draw? Because Disney couldn't allow a pretty woman to commit murder.
He wanted to send a message. A message that would echo through the Disney halls for decades and decades and decades.
This is how ugly people act. This is how bad people look. And this is what happens to them. Oh, and look at Bill.
I mean, she's nice. I'm pretty and the whole town loves her. So, they give her a bunch of free bread and tell her how adorable it is that she can read. And she's all like, Ugh, f*** bread. Nobody understands me. And she gets away with it.
Disney princesses teach us that personality, intelligence, none of that matters. I mean, when a Disney princess makes her own decision, it's a train wreck. Snow White eats the apple because she's the ideal Disney princess.
A dummy who relies on her looks and her looks alone. So, being good looking is a superpower. I would like to revise my answer from the superpower conversation. And in the Disney universe, talking and thinking are like kryptonite. I mean, Snow White doesn't sweet talk the Huntsman into letting her go. He falls for her after watching her creepily from a bush.
Yeah, that could have gone really differently. It almost does. The dwarves are moments away from murdering her with a pickaxe.
But then they see her pretty sleeping face and they fall in love with her. Right? And then she eats the coma apple and then they think she's dead. But instead of accidentally almost burying her alive, they want to just look at her pretty sleeping face. I mean, that's her thing. She's attractive to look upon only when she remains stationary and silent.
And I ate that shit. Ah! Ah, trust me. You didn't.
It even saves her in the end. When Prince Charming comes in and he sees this coma girl passed out, his first instinct is to kiss her. Wait, are we talking about Snow White's still her sleeping beauty? Both. Disney princesses are at their best when they're out cold.
If they're not, then they're either eating poisoned apples or selling their soul to the devil. And we're sure Disney didn't have that fetish where you love to chloroform women because that is all I got from Fantasia. Disney established this disgusting culture where being good looking doesn't just make you good. It's the only thing that makes you good. Having a personality is a liability. Just be pretty and quiet and asleep if possible.
That's why Kim Kardashian has been on a hundred times more magazine covers than Hillary Clinton. Walt Disney! Look, Katie. I'm sure at some point there's going to be a spunky Disney princess with glasses. Look how calm and peaceful she looks with her eyes closed.
And none of that. Bah! None of that.
Go to sleep, little dove. Just want to put her in me wee pocket. Don't touch me. What do you mean, finger?
What would make me really happy? Like, just the happiest? Once if you could click subscribe. Yeah, that'd be great. Stay up to date on all the latest craft videos. |
SaturdayNightLive | happy_valentine_s_day_from_the_cheney_family_snl | And now, a Valentine's Day moment from Vice President Dick Cheney. Hello, I'm Dick Cheney. it's my wife, Lynn. Hello. You know, Valentine's Day is always special here at the Cheney household. we love all the cards we get from all of our friends and family, and we always put aside time to share them with each other. So tonight, we thought, during this somewhat acrimonious political season, why not share our Valentines with everyone? Spread the joy, as it were. for instance, here's one from a former member of my staff and a close friend, Scooter Libby. roses are red, violets are blue. if I go to jail, you're gonna go too. Happy Valentine's Day.
Scooter Libby. Do we even know anyone named Scooter Libby?
No, I don't think so. I didn't think so. here's one from our old friend, Harry Whittington. you may remember that he and I were involved in a hunting accident last year around this time. he writes, dear Dick, remember when you shot me in the face? Well, down here in Texas, when I go anyplace, they say, there goes the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face. that's nice. here's one from our good friend, Wolf Blitzer, over at Cnn. recently, Wolf and I shared an uncomfortable moment after an appearance on his show where he made the mistake of asking me about my daughter, which I consider off limits. Dear Dick, it's true I crossed the line, but let's save the drama for the thespians. your daughter had a baby, and that baby will be raised by queers. What the hell? that doesn't even rhyme. I don't think we like Wolf Blitzer too much. Lynn, you wrote him a Valentine's this year, didn't you? Yes, I did. I'm not really a poet. it goes, um. hey, Wolf Blitzer, you sanctimonious buffoon. your time is coming, and it's coming real soon. Dick's gonna get you, and he's gonna cut off your beard. and you're gonna look weird when you don't have a beard.
Happy Valentine's Day. I like that. here's one from Lance Corporal Peter Klein. he's stationed in Iraq. All right. You know, I'm very instrumental in the decision to free Iraq, and I think our troops understand that and appreciate it. Happy Valentine's, Mr. Cheney. it's hot here in Iraq. I can't wait for you to get here so you can suck. I don't think I need to finish that. why don't you hand me another one from the Iraq bunch? probably don't want to read this one. this one's not very nice. can't say that word on the air. um, let me just read these later. All right. here's one from all of our friends over at Halliburton. that's nice. Dear Dick, no words could tell the friendship we share with you, so please accept this small gift so that we shall remain true. Happy Valentine's Day, your friends at Halliburton. very nice. And look, it's a Barnes and Noble gift card. that's sweet.
How much? uh, half a million dollars. maybe we should just read one more. All right. read this one.
The Terrorists are coming to kill us. they want our way of life to end. we must live every day in fear because fear is our only friend. Love, Lynn Chaney. you do know the way to my heart. Happy Valentine's Day. And Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.
And also live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
TheOnion | Cindy_McCain_Just_Like_Any_Other_Female_Human | Cindy McCain is seeking to soften her image. In a Newsweek special profile out today, Mrs. McCain said that although she could soon become the nation's next first lady, she considers herself, quote, just like any other female human. Todd Graham, author of the profile, said he found Mrs. McCain surprisingly easy to talk to. Graham appeared on Fact Zone last night. She told me that her family was the most important thing in her life, saying she loves her kids with both her hearts. She's just happiest tending to her flower garden or spending a lazy Saturday in the sleep pod that delivers nutrients to her body during a nightly stasis period. Mrs. McCain said that as first lady, her major focus would be to help children, explaining, quote, humans in the larval stage need our care the most. If she becomes first lady for guidance, she would look to such historic females as Eleanor Roosevelt, Empress Zelakstron, and Nancy Reagan. But when asked what woman she admires most, McCain listed Oprah Winfrey, whom she called, quote, strong, opinionated, and delicious looking in her fattened state. But Cindy McCain was most at ease talking about her childhood growing up on a ranch in Arizona. She talked about spending the summers hiking, camping with friends, hurting livestock with her mind. Of her husband's bid for the presidency, Mrs. McCain says, quote, the American people should focus their attentions on him and obey his wishes should he be named their master.
He is the candidate, they must pay no attention to me. As for concerns about her husband's age, Cindy McCain just laughs them off, saying, quote, he is not nearly so old as the ancient ones. His outer shell has not even yet calcified. However, she was less friendly regarding a question about John McCain's alleged ties to lobbyists, reportedly emitting a high-pitched shrieking noise which melted all plastic objects in the room. In other election news, South Carolina has traded eight electoral votes to Virginia for a second round NBA draft pick. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Matthew_Reilly_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_131 | As always. I don't think there's too much going on over there. The American dream is living, I believe.
Matthew Riley, thank you for joining us. Hey guys, thanks for having me.
One of Australia's favourite authors. How long have you been over there for? I've been living here since the start of 2015, so it's getting on to nearly six years now. How are you finding it over there? Is it much easier to write than back home here in Australia?
You know, it's about the same when it comes to the writing, but it's been enormous fun hanging out and meeting sort of movie directors and screenwriters of big action movies, you know, meeting guys like Stuart Beattie is possibly one of Australia's greatest movie exports. He wrote Pirates of the Caribbean and, you know, making friends in the movie world. It's been phenomenal. I think every single person who's ever read one of your books from the very start until today always have that in mind. There's that kind of films. It's almost like you can translate it to film automatically reading your books.
What was, was that ever on your mind when you first started writing or you were just writing books? I was born in 1974. I grew up watching eighties action movies and when I sat down to write the first book, actually the first two, Contest and Ice Station, I just thought, I want to read a book which has the action of a big eighties action movie. You did that well. I wish I could say there was some higher purpose, but I was reading Tom Clancy or Michael Crichton and they'd have like one action scene and I thought, but the movies I watch have tons of action scenes. So I just started that way with Contest and Ice Station and I'm a one trick pony and I'm doing my trick over and over again. Well it's obviously well known within the Matthew Riley world that to write your first book, it was bumped back by a couple of publishers. So you decided to back yourself and that was Ice Station. What made you think, you know, this was worth having a punt on because it's obviously worked out for you? You know, uh, being young and stupid is sometimes an asset and I was so naive. I thought what could possibly go wrong? So I self published that first book.
You know, I'd given that book, the first one to some friends and they read it and I said, you know, what do you think? And one of them looked at me and said, this is really good. And he said, this reads like a real book. And I think he was sort of shocked that somebody knew might be able to write something which could be of professional quality.
So sort of comments like that made me just think, go for it. You know, what have I got to lose? I'll just have to pay the bank back the loan. So I did, it turned out to be a good decision.
So how many were in that original print run of Ice Station? Uh, there were 1000, 1000 copies. They sell on eBay now for 1500 bucks. I've only got, got them up on the shelf there. I've got about six copies left. So they were all in the back room of my parents house at one point.
Yeah. Is this story, is the story true where you were self publishing and you'd listed your your parents landline as the number to get you? That is correct. Hey, we've got the video, let me run and grab one here. All right, so this is not good for radio, but you know, it's a podcast. So here I am. This is the book. It was actually a contest, but we don't worry about that. And first page, title page, copyright page. And yep, that phone number right there is still my parents' home phone number. Actually even better. It's their address. I was living at home then. And yes, people have called. So Pan Mac called there. Yes. Someone got a hold of that. That's right, Dan McMillan. Someone got a hold of the contest and said, all right, we've got to find this independent publisher.
How come we've never heard of them before?
I think Kate Patterson, who she was the commissioning editor at McMillan. She's now the director of publishing. She has risen in 22 years to be the big cheese. And she's still my publisher to this day.
I think she probably suspected it was self published, but you know, as you can see from that, I made it look pretty schmick and the goal was to make it look like a real action thriller book. And that was the plan. I wasn't going to make my fortune in self publishing.
I just did it to get noticed. Luckily, I've got noticed.
So how I should mention to the self publishers out there, only one publisher ever called me. Nobody else ever called.
So what inspired you to actually start writing because I know that there's a part in Stephen King's autobiography slash the memoir on his own craft where he said for him, what spurred him on to write, you know, his first book was the fact that he was reading stuff that he thought was, you know, that that he could do better than that. Yeah, I read that kind of the same for you. Similar but different. I was looking at the stuff I was reading.
And I thought they're not doing something that I would like. And I wanted more action. And I wanted more pace. And I didn't want any rest breaks.
And it's funny to I feel my progression, I learned a lot with contest. I think I station was a real quantum leap up. People in area seven followed on at that's that pace. But then I did this book called Scarecrow Scarecrow had the hero of ice station in area seven in it. And Scarecrow I set myself this goal of writing this mega sized action scene at the start. And it was this scene in Siberia and there's a typhoon submarine and a dry dock and there's a building that explodes and helicopters and flying jets. And I said everything after that scene has to get bigger. And Scarecrow to this day was this giant quantum leap up in my books.
So yeah, I'm sort of like I know that Stephen King, I read that book he did on writing and I looked at what I was reading and thought, they're not doing something which I'd like to read and turned out a lot of people sort of like me and like that too. I'm also going I go to the movies a lot. I go to see the Marvel movies on the first weekend they're out. You know, I've seen all the Star Wars movies, but I was out watching, you know, the Avengers, you know, Infinity War and Endgame on the opening weekend in cinemas where people were cheering at the screen and I love that stuff. That's sort of what I was trying to do in the books. The closest thing I've seen on screen to your books, though, you almost you almost out action film, the action films and the closest thing I think they may have even been inspired by your books, but the closest thing I've seen to that is probably Fury Road.
Just that no one takes a piss from start to finish.
It's just we're in a car and we're driving. I agree. I was watching Fury Road going, that's the kind of movie I'd make. And the new Star Wars are a bit the same too, like the most recent Star Wars, they're all a bit the same.
Tell me, do you ever feel in writing these books, particularly early when you were a young man writing, you know, you were still at uni writing Ice Station. Did you ever, you know, take a break, put the pen down and feel the same way that someone reading it would? Because we all remember kind of having, you know, a heart rate and almost a little bit, you know, out of breath reading your books. Did you ever feel that writing it? Yes.
All the time, even this morning, I was writing my new book this morning, the one something the last book in the Jack West series, and I just got exhausted. And I'm literally doing this today was part of it'll take me about two weeks to write it. This is one of the biggest action scenes I've ever done, possibly the biggest. And yeah, I'm just exhausted at the end of it. I just have to go and sort of sit down, you know, sit down on the couch, grab a beer, click on the TV, just stop. I'm a big believer right from the start that the energy I put onto the page is what leaps off the page to you when you read it. And if it's making you just go, Oh, my God, I need a break.
And that's exactly what I'm after. I love hearing that.
So how long did the first book take to write? That wasn't two weeks, was it? No, no. So it's a good question.
Contest took 12 months to the day to write the first draft. And then, you know, months and months of revision. Nowadays, since I've been doing it for a while now, I can do a first draft in about seven months. And then I still revise it for another five or six months. And the revisions make it faster and faster. So still takes a little over a year to do them, which is why I can't quite do one book a year.
Yeah. With your early days of your writing, obviously, you're writing about, you know, different countries and different paramilitaries and, you know, guerrilla armies and stuff like that. Had you traveled that much at that point in your life? You know, 19 years old, writing about, you know, like, fuck it, the South Africans are the bad guys in this one. So my experience with South Africa at that point was lethal weapon to diplomatic immunity.
So no, when I wrote the first, I mean, the first bunch of books, Contest Ice Station Temple, you know, New York City, Antarctica, Peru, I hadn't been 20 of those. I was using Lonely Planets to, you know, figure out distances. The first one I actually, the first one I got to research and go to the country was Area 7. I actually went to Lake Powell in Utah and got on a boat and went around this artificial lake in the desert. And I've been fortunate since then, especially when you get into Seven Wonders and those books. I've been to the Pyramids and Stonehenge and Easter Island and 18 months ago, living here in LA, I went to Mexico to Chichen Itza.
And these places are just, I tell anybody who wants to write a book, you don't have to visit a place to write about it. You can just go and research it, especially with the internet today. But you always get those little extra bits when you go.
But yeah, no, back then, not a chance.
I researched, I researched Ice Station entirely in Chatswood Library in the North Shore of Sydney. And I've done speeches there since. And it's so nice to tell the audience, I say, I researched this international best-selling book in this local public library. And they literally look around and go, man, that's awesome. And it hasn't changed much either, I imagine, Chatswood Library, no. Did you get to the end of your university course? I mean, that seems like quite a heavy extra workload on top.
I did.
I got my law degree, which I'm very, very glad I did. I think it's just good to have finished it, but I've never practised as a lawyer.
You never admitted to the Supreme Court in Isau Wales? No.
Although I do read the contracts that I sign with movie studios. I sold one of my books to Disney, and the contract they got me to sign, it said all the things I couldn't do. I couldn't do keychains, calendars, fluffy toys. And they went through it item by item, all the things I could not do that I was selling to them.
And on all of the movie deals, I had to guarantee, guarantee that the book was my original work throughout the universe. So there is a, I am stealing all my ideas from a guy on Nas, but until he gets here, that's legit. That is in the contract. The lawyer in me gets me to do that.
Would you ever make any Jack West Jr keychains if you had the means? I think, especially having watched the South Park special the other day, I think it'd be kind of fun to cheekily make some keychains in anything I ever sold to Disney.
They ended up not making that one. That was Hovercar Racer.
So the rights are back with me. So we might get some keychains done. We might get some keychains there. Yeah. I remember the keychains. Keychains and calendars. Happy meals, I suppose.
When did the penny drop for you? I remember reading Ice Station and Contest and then Scarecrow and eventually we'd all hear about this local writer, this Australian writer. You know, the first thing they say, which I guess kind of is, is the best way of explaining how big a book's gone is how many language it's been published around the world. That's always a big one. I remember hearing that and that's when the penny dropped at how big, how big the Marthie Riley books were. When did you first figure out you'd sent something around the moon?
You know, Ice Station was quickly sold, Macmillan in Australia snapped it up and it was quickly sold to the US and the UK and without getting into the weeds, Australia is a unique market because we speak and read English. Most territories are done in their native language, but the US and the UK are the two biggest and Australia is English as well.
There was a Frankfurt book fair around that time and there was a German publisher who offered me, it was like, I forget the number, it was like 300,000 euros for Ice Station and Temple and I hadn't even finished Temple at that time, it was like three quarters finished and that was for German rights and that was when the Aussie against the euro was like double points and off the top of my head, that was the moment where I was like, oh my God, I'm getting big money for a German edition of Ice Station and Temple and I think that sort of really set it off because the languages then went like dominoes. We did Dutch, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai, Japanese, the Japanese did a graphic novel of Ice Station, it's the only graphic novel in existence and it's awesome. How much are you going for? Need to get a copy of that, yeah. Actually I should put up some of the pictures, I would show the pictures from the Japanese graphic novel at speeches I would do and I'd put them up on a big screen because nobody can get them, they sent me some, you know, author copies and it's amazing, it's got, you might remember there's a scene where Mother the Marine gets her leg bitten by a killer whale and the killer whale actually rips it off. That is drawn in all its gory detail in the Japanese graphic novel of Ice Station. And then where do you find your hotspots now, obviously you've sold to all these different languages, we always ask this question to musicians, Silverchair had a massive following in Brazil and I imagine Ice Station and your books have got some sort of pocket somewhere where they're real fans? Yeah, two spring to mind and it's kind of funny, early in Holland the Dutch editions were big sellers for me and recently, God love them, there is a publisher in Bulgaria who is a huge fan and they jumped onto Ice Station years ago and every couple of years we get this email from this publisher in Bulgaria and says listen we're not a big market but we love Matthew Riley's books, can we get the rights? And they pay me like 500 bucks for the publishing rights in Bulgarian and I can honestly say I am legitimately big in Bulgaria.
Have you ever been there? No, don't tell the people in Bulgaria, this could be a scandal, no I haven't, no. Imagine a book tour through all the big cities in Bulgaria. I think it would actually be surprisingly popular, yeah and I've done book tours in strange places, I've done signings in like London and the public library in New York City, I did one in Singapore in the middle of the night in Changi Airport when all the people were going through, it was a midnight book signing. In the good terminal or the dodgy one? It was a good one, it wasn't good but yeah people walking by, honestly I kid you not, geez I haven't thought about this in years. You get an early crowd, people line up and they get their books signed and then the crowd disappears and you get people wandering by and they see you sitting at this table with all these posters around it and this dude sort of walks by, this is again 1am Changi Airport, Singapore, this dude's walking by and he sees me and he stops, he turns and he looks at me and I'm sitting all these posters with my name on it around me, he walks over to me, he leans in close and he goes, can you tell me where the restroom is? The big who are you? I said to my publicist, I think the signing is now done, we're finished. So are there people from all different walks of life coming to your book signings? From the ones that I've been to there are quite a cross-section of humanity lining up at your table.
Yeah I would say it's very broad, you know if you had an event where there were 300 people, I would say 90% are adults, pretty 50-50 men and women, some might say the books seem more blokey but a lot of female readers and really only a small percentage would be teenagers, you get a few young kids and that's a strange sort of phenomenon at what age kids jump into my books and it's interesting that they are for adults and it's adults who largely read them but yeah men, women, blue-collar, white-collar, I think it's just people who like escapism. It's interesting you said that about teenage boys because teenage boys are definitely the target market for the movies, young men particularly with the diehards and the lethal weapons, so yeah it must be something about the medium reading in itself is for everyone as opposed to sitting down for two hours watching Bruce Willis. Yeah it's a strange phenomenon and I could go on for hours but it seems boys read until about the age of 12 and then they go off and play football and cricket and girls keep reading and you have to sort of get boys back at about age 19 or 20 and if there's one thing that I see a lot and I get told a lot at the book signings, it's a 26 year old guy who says my mother or my father gave me one of your books and now I'm back into reading, I hadn't read a book since high school, I hear that a lot.
When you visit say for a book signing in a country that you have either stigmatized or used as part of your story what are the thoughts when you go you know when it's an away game for you and you arrive in their country and you've previously written them up as you know ethno-fascists? Yeah you know I've done successful book tours in South Africa, fine their problems, Great Britain, fine their problems, there have been some dastardly British villains. But there remains one and it continues and it's continued for a long time, the French. There were French villains in Ice Station which came out in 1998 and then again in Scarecrow where I blew up one of their aircraft carriers. To this day, I am not published in the French language, I am published in every language around France, Spanish, Italian, Dutch, German, obviously English. But so no I've never had any nobody's ever complained to me about being a villain in any of the books but the French by not publishing me. It's a cold war. It was so funny because all those early things we discussed before you know that I'd seen this big deal in Germany, I sold all these rights to other languages. But the French consistently said no and so after Ice Station and after Scarecrow I did write a kid's book of a car racer and I just made a gratuitously French villain because I figured stuff them I was never going to be published there anyway.
Let's double down here. Now tell us about the most recent book, Two Lost Mountains. Two Lost Mountains.
So I mean here behind me you can see Seven Ancient Wonders. You know a few years ago I decided to really jump into an Indiana Jones style series that created this sort of wonderful sort of archaeologist soldier hero in Jack West Jr. and he came out in Seven Ancient Wonders and I thought I'll write a sequel. And I thought how do I make people announce a sequel? I'll call it The Six Sacred Stones and it looks like we're counting down. Once you do that you realize that all readers have, a lot of readers have completion issues. And they were like great Matthew Riley is going to count down 7654321 and that's now what I've done. So we've had Seven Ancient Wonders, Six Sacred Stones, Five Greatest Warriors, Four Legendary Kingdoms, Three Secret Cities and this one is now The Two Lost Mountains.
And how to describe it, the stakes in a Matthew Riley book have just got bigger and bigger and bigger over the years. At one point you're saving a country, then in Temple you're saving the world. With Jack West basically the universe is about to collapse in a singularity. And so as we're in The Two Lost Mountains he has to find these two historic mountains that's part of a group called the Five Iron Mountains. And unless he does a certain thing by a certain date the universe is going to come in a big crunch and everybody's going to die. So the stakes are pretty high as this one begins. It begins very hot off the tail of the last book. It's really when we get to the end of the one that you're writing now I'm really expecting that to almost explode in my hands when we get to the end of it. Yeah so what you're being very nice to say Errol is once I wrote The Four Legendary Kingdoms and jumped into 3, 2 and 1 3, 2 and 1 are really just one story. And Three Secret Cities sort of kicked off this race to what we call the Omega Event, the collapse of the universe. And Two Lost Mountains is like the middle, it's the darker one. It's the one where things are looking pretty bad. And it all builds to the final book, The One Something Something which as you have successfully anticipated The One Something Something is literally the whole 400 page book is a climax. The whole thing is a climax. So it's a long way of saying when I started The Four Legendary Kingdoms kicked off the second half of this series and 3, 2, 1 is essentially one story and you're right. You try not to leave people with cliffhanger you try to leave them with a bit of an upbeat moment so they're ready to jump into the last one.
Well every time I read one of your books I know that you'd really like to see one of these made into a movie then you get about 4 or 5 pages in and then you're just like well that sounds expensive. Would you ever compromise on your action to get something turned into a movie? If a person came to you and said love the story just pick two of these big action scenes and maybe we can do them on the computer.
Yeah no and they're not the right person.
And the special effects have become so good. I had an effects guy tell me he could do the entire hovercraft chase in Ice Station in a computer and you wouldn't even know. Especially when you've got hard surfaces, dinosaurs and creatures and the bear that attacked Leonardo DiCaprio and the Revenant. That's hard to do but spaceships and vehicles are actually pretty easy to do.
And when it comes to film rights it goes back to what we were saying before and what you just said. I write the books to be big giant action movies and that means they're going to be 100 million dollars. I came close with The Great Zoo of China and Sony. They got a great screenplay done and it was going to be expensive. It was going to be 120 million dollars just at Blockbuster.
And the screenwriter had kept all of my wild dragon action scenes. Dragons against fighter jets and throwing pieces of freeway at buildings.
And they hired a director and then they parted ways with him. And once they parted ways with the director the movie project founded. So that's the way the business works.
I'm now increasingly getting offers for TV shows and they messed up the last season but thank God for Game of Thrones because Game of Thrones is something like Seven Wonders going down to Two Lost Mountains. Seven Wonders is season one, Six Stones is season two. One book per season. Thank you Game of Thrones. So I increasingly get inquiries for TV shows more so than movies these days. Game of Thrones changed the way everyone views stories I guess you could say.
Sure did. I'm interested to know though in the midst of all this we got a short story. The Chinese Splashdown. How did that come about? Was that because you just got a bit stuck with the big story and just wanted a side path to keep your craft sharp? Or is this just a great idea you had?
Sometimes when I'm on a book tour you're going from book signings to television studios and back to your hotel and you're often sort of amped up. And I had the idea for Jack West Jr. and the Chinese Splashdown on the last book tour. And I knew with Two Lost Mountains without spoiling for people but Jack is going to have to do something about an object on the surface of the moon. And I just wanted to have this totally impossible task that he has to complete. And there is this thing, this sort of alien altar on the moon. And so with the Chinese Splashdown short story I thought well I'm going to do this in the Two Lost Mountains anyway. And it gets prefaced in Three Secret Cities.
And so I thought well why don't I just have this little side short story adventure. I always assume it's the big fans who are going to read the short stories. The general mass readership probably won't. So it always has to exist as a little side departure. So it can't be mandatory for everybody to read it. But you'll get a little extra from that.
And as you've read Two Lost Mountains the splashdown does get a mention in it. But I have to really tread a fine line that if someone hasn't read Chinese Splashdown it doesn't affect Two Lost Mountains. And it's a story that has to go in a circle and come back to where it began in that way. But it's still a pretty fun story and it had the Aero sub in it. Which if you don't know what an Aero sub is look it up.
It's phenomenal. They're real. Just one last question here for you Matthew. We obviously big fans of your writing so we spent the whole time talking about your craft.
But I do want to know what you're driving over there in L.A. I am driving a Mercedes Benz C63 AMG. Which if you're a car fan it's the car that Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear said that some mad German decided to put a 6 litre V8 into a mid-sized car. You like your cars boys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you driving? Me?
Well, obviously it's a bit different when you're in charge of original newspaper. You have to kind of live within your means.
So I'm in a 2010 VE Commodore with stretch timing chains and two blank O2 sensors at the moment. I thought the SS Ute might be your car.
Well, until the ATO classifies that as a farm implement then maybe. I can't really justify that much of an asset write off at this stage. This is good tax planning.
Where's your Back to the Future car? Is it still in Australia?
The Delorean Clancy, yeah. It is. Yeah, no way. Under a top somewhere.
Yeah, well, it's my buddy in Canberra is tooling around Canberra in my Delorean. I've seen it. Bless him just to keep it running, you know, keep the engine running. I had the D in Australia for what, 10 years? So I had it converted to right-hand drive. Right. And it took so long I'll be damned if I was going to convert it back to left-hand drive when I moved every year. So I'm happy. My buddy keeps it running.
We actually spoke to a car modification company who may want to put an electric engine in it. Which I think is a great idea because it's a beautiful car but it's not the fastest car in the world.
No, and just one last question for our readers.
What have you got in the bag in the back of the Benz? What are you gaming with now in terms of your golf?
Oh, dear. This is an admission. I have the PXGs. Right, yeah.
The Parsons Clubs. Yeah, they really are the Delorean of golf clubs, aren't they? That's a really good way of putting it. They are the Delorean of golf clubs.
And I must say I got them in 2016 and I haven't felt like buying new irons ever since then. They're the best irons I've ever hit.
Yeah, you know me well. You know me well.
I ride and I golf.
And what are you playing off? Yeah, that was my next question. My handicap is 3.7 right now. That's pretty tidy. What's the slope rating of the club that you're playing it over there? I think it's about 133. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit hard. You know, whenever I get this question, especially in front of the live audience, I get in trouble because somebody usually in the front row says, stop playing golf and finish the last Jack West book.
I try to tell them that the golf is good for mental health, you know. I literally sit in a room by myself for long, long hours at a time. So it's good for me to get out in the sun and socialize with human beings.
Well, fast cars, long hours playing golf and action books. I think everyone would aspire to a life like that in Los Angeles. I reckon you'd be really good to play golf with if you're playing that fast too. Real fast. There's nothing worse than slow golf.
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Thanks for joining us today, Matthew. We look forward to the new book and we look forward to in the near future seeing Los Angeles bring these books to life on the screen. Guys, thank you so much for having me. No worries. Love your work. Thanks, man. Bye. |
cracked | why_violent_video_games_don_t_cause_violence_today_s_topic_geek_week | Huh? Pretty good. Yeah, and so many polygons.
Have you seen Oculus Rift? It's like a virtual reality helmet that puts the whole field of vision of the game everywhere you turn your head. It's awesome. Why is it called Oculus Rift?
It doesn't rip your eyeball, right? It doesn't.
That is obviously right. Yeah.
Speaking of, I hope they make Manhunt 4 for the PS4, because I totally want to see what a shard of glass in a homeless dude's Oculus looks like on the new game engine. Squishy, I bet, because of so many polygons. See, I know you're talking about a video game, but that is genuinely unsettling. Don't tell me you're one of those people who thinks video game violence causes school shootings.
Well, obviously no. Because it doesn't, right? It's a break from reality. It's a release.
And if you can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy, I'd rather give you a bunch of violent video games anyhow, because you can work out your aggression that way, right? Punching a pillow when you're angry. Rage isn't like an energy bar that you can expend. Hitting a pillow when you're angry just increases the chances that you're gonna get some sort of pleasurable release from that and associate that with physical violence.
So you are one of those people. No, I'm just saying it's possible that some of those kids sniping hookers in GTA wouldn't fixate so much if you didn't give them a virtual reality on which to fixate. Okay, but if you're fixating on violence, you're already f***ed up. I'm sorry, but if video game violence is fueling a disconnect with reality in you so deep that shooting space aliens desensitized you to actual human murder, that's s*** in you. It's straight up Gatorade. And no matter what you do, you're gonna have to find something to fuel that murder mind. You speak with a lot of authority on slowly going crazy. I get that. Crazy people play violent video games. But that doesn't mean violent video games make people crazy.
Then diagram that s*** and tell me I'm wrong. Correlation is not causation. Okay, but think about this.
You are super pumped about having your new virtue, boy. It's an oculus rift. But what about in the year 2055 when the new Z-Box 15 comes out?
We will never call it that.
And it's got amazing graphics and you want to play Manhunter 9 on it and the simulation is amazing to the point that you actually feel like you're stepping onto this holodeck of murder. I mean, you know it's not real, but how real do you want your death simulator before you have to say, okay, this is a little weird. Please take me back to the main menu, Z-Box.
Right. Yeah, I mean, for me personally, there's a limit. Sure. I mean, good point.
You're a creepy person. Maybe they wouldn't have to lock people in their basement if there was a game that let them do that. I mean, it's a little dark, sure, but isn't it technically good? No, if there were a team of people on Earth willing to make a game like that, then we have already lost as a species.
You know, people said Frank Zappa made music that corrupted the youth and you know what he said? I do. But get it again on camera, it'd be good to wrap up the episode. 90% of songs are love songs, so if music really programmed the brain, everybody'd be in love.
A-Hap, we're just a brutal kind. No.
I think as games get more and more realistic, we'll just have more games like Wii Fitness and The Sims.
You know, really good stuff. Okay, you are trying to provoke me. It'll be like we're really bowling. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And... Action.
Hey guys, I'm Brennan. I run the YouTube channel and I read a lot of the comments and I just wanted to say, who hurt you?
Do you need a hug? Should I hug? I'm gonna hug you. |
cracked | when_they_won_t_stop_asking_questions_during_the_movie_a_video_by_simple_town | Isn't this that guy that did, um, yeah. You can tell he's like, I don't know, you know.
Hey guys. Hey girl.
What are we watching? Something we just found online.
It looked cool. Cool.
Who's that guy? I'm not sure. He just came on. And what about this guy? We don't know yet. Yeah, it started about five minutes ago, so. And is this, is this a. You know as much as we do.
Caroline, you mind slipping this? I'm in your way. Why don't you sit down and.
Caroline. Well, here comes the bad guy. I don't think there's a bad guy in this movie. It's not that kind of movie. Oh, that's not the main character. Caroline.
Final flight scene. Do these guys know each other? You can't ask questions. I love the kind of cheesy nineties texture that this movie has.
Just as bad.
I love the haha texture that this made me has. Umm, well I've had a similar experience to you. Where I had a question but moments later it's resolved.
And the writing is bad. It's hard to follow. Like this movie's hard to follow.
This is natural from movies. There's a point early on where you don't know who anyone is yet. All the stuff you're feeling right now about not knowing what's happening in the film. Or we're all feeling that too.
Yes. But we're just, we're keeping it internal. and we were calm knowing that the movie will reveal itself. Right. Boom! Arrow.
Caroline, I feel like this year you've gone progressively more aloof from reality. |
dropout | every_day_is_a_holiday_on_twitter | Oh, come on! Not again! Happy National Cookie Day! Yay!
No, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, everyone. What?
It's all over Twitter. No, this is another one of those meaningless Twitter holidays. It's a fake holiday. No. This is a real holiday. It's not. This is just like yesterday.
Whoa! Happy Carmen Miranda Day! Go put some fruit on the Miranda head and sing some Banana Carols with us.
Day-o. Me say day-o.
Stop.
No, you don't.
This is just like yesterday. Whoa. Where is everyone? They all went home.
See their families for National Calico Cat Appreciation Day. Who keeps coming up with this shit? Do people really care about Calico Cats that much?
Yes. Of course they do. Well then why are you here? Shane?
Sorry. It's just not everyone has a home to go back to for National Calico Cat Appreciation Day. Oh, come on. It's not a real holiday.
This is it. This is just like yesterday. Whoa. Happy National Sweater Day. I call it National Jumper Day. Wait, wasn't that yesterday? Yesterday. Whoa. Happy National Jumper Day. It's the day we reflect on the song Jumper and the movie Jumper.
Oh.
Yeah, we don't need to wear these sweaters. We're just cold. I don't care.
You might wonder about it tomorrow. Yeah, you seem like you're still a little shaken from yesterday. Whoa, what the- Happy Human Centipede Day. Nope. Worse than yesterday. Whoa.
Happy Jeans That Fit Just Write Appreciation Day. Wait. If it's Jeans That Fit Just Write Appreciation Day, then why are you wearing a dress? It's also 80s Prom Dress Awareness Month. I can't believe I have to share it with Jeans Day. And what the fuck are you doing? I just think that National Jeans That Fit Just Write Appreciation Day should get back to its religious roots.
What? A trap. This is not that confusing. It's just like yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.
Uh-oh. Never heard of that. Oh, you've got to go on Twitter.
Everybody is celebrating it. Even back in England. Oh, except in England they say trolley instead. A broken wheel on a shopping cart awareness trolley. Well, what a fun thing. I'll never get tired of this.
Sister, you should have been here yesterday. Happy Shoes On Your Hands Day, everybody. Shoo-wop, shoo-wop, shoo-wop, shoo-wop. Hey, where's Trap? Oh, I think he's visiting his family for something called Thanksgiving? Huh. Oh, well. Time for the exchanging of the shoes.
Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. If you're here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff.
And now for a wipe breakdown. Star Wipe. Diamond Wipe. Venetian Wipe. Iris. |
TheOnion | David_Fincher_To_Helm_YouTube_s_First_Hour_Long_Drama_Series_Turtle_Has_Sex_With_Shoes | YouTube is the latest video website to jump into the original programming arena. The site recently announced its first high-profile long-form venture, a 13-episode dramatic adaptation of the popular video, Turtle Has Sex With Shoes. Acclaimed director David Fincher has signed on to direct the hour-long pilot, which will reunite him with Fight Club star Edward Norton, who's been cast as a high-powered New York City attorney who owns a turtle and a pair of sneakers. According to New York Times media analyst David Carr, quote, This is the future of television. YouTube did extensive research to find out what their users want to see. Turns out it's 13 hours of a turtle having sex with shoes that you can watch in one sitting. In addition to Norton, the series will co-star Rosario Dawson as a no-nonsense district attorney and Academy Award nominee Paul Giamatti as the passionate, grunting voice of the turtle who has sex with Mr. Norton's shoes. When asked what attracted him to this project, Fincher told Rolling Stone, quote, YouTube is allowing us to tell a very dark, compelling story here. While the full 13-episode first season won't be released until this fall, YouTube has unveiled a teaser trailer for the show. Let's take a look. YouTube has also announced a number of other upcoming original programs, including an Ang Lee-directed miniseries based on Fat Woman Falls Through Trampoline and a six-part documentary by Spike Lee on Those Black Kids Who Humped That Ottoman. |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_dear_esther_mp4 | What is up, my niggas? It is me, Fitzthistlewitz, here with a let's play of Dear Esther. It's the latest action FPS game, very much in the vein of Duke Nukem, Half-Life, Doom, and so on. Just lowering the sound a little bit, because I can't hear my own voice. And I do enjoy the sound of my own voice. Okay, well, I can't wait to kill some zombies, headcrabs, aliens, that kind of thing.
"Dear Esther, the morning after I was washed ashore, salt in my ears, sand in my mouth, and the waves always at my ankles, I felt as though everything had conspired to this one last shipwreck. I remembered nothing but water, stones in my belly and my shoes, threatening to drag me under to where only the most listless of creatures swim."
Okay, I think this is just the tutorial. I think, um... Oh, we're playing. Oh, okay. I wouldn't really describe deep sea fish as listless. Seems a bit weird. Oh, automatic bite switch. That's nice. This looks actually a lot like my house. The colour scheme's a bit different. And obviously I have a computer in my house, but apart from that, I'm just looking for the sh- Whoa!
What? What the fuck?
Just looking for the shotgun. Don't really know what happened there. Seemed to kneel to the ground for some reason, but okay. I think there was a bird.
That's good, it's scary. Scary game, good.
I like it already. Oh, light switch goes on automatically again. And here are some cans of luminous paint. Okay, didn't know that existed, but great. Ah, nice day. Lighthouse. Okay, just have to find the magnum. Or the crossbow, I actually usually like crossbows in games.
Okay, so this is Dear Esther. Well, Dear Esther, if you're American. Which I sincerely hope you're not, as I hate Americans with every fibre of my being. Okay. Just kidding, I'm kidding. I'm just a big joker. But no, seriously, I do hate Americans.
Well, non-stop action so far. I'm on the edge of my seat, but that's only because my chair is broken.
Ooh, I wonder if I can paddle. Ooh, it's cold! Ooh! Okay. Oh, some sort of boat.
Shit. No, it didn't. No. I don't think I did that consciously, though. Hmm.
Well, if we only met when I was past the age of six, I don't really know how you can have such detailed knowledge of my vacuum-filling youth as a disfigured Gorbachev-esque baby. Birthmarks, but this is nice. I'm not really sure who that guy is. Is that meant to be me? Is that like my inner monologue?
Well, I'm lost already. Well, I got lost there, but I think I'm on the right path again. It's quite annoying to get lost in this game, as there's no run function, or a jump function, or a map, or guns, or enemies, or things. It's, er... Actually, I think I've been here before. Oh, well.
"I wonder, did they assign chapter and verse to the stones and grasses, marking the geography with a superimposed significance, that they could actually walk the Bible and inhabit its contradiction?"
Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. You are mental, sir. You are talking shit. Or, you're at least very vague, and you, er, jump from subject to subject. Oh, you're starting up again. Yeah, I was speaking, okay? Twat, pretentious shit.
I walked into the field of water, and the crab of dreams I did catch. It was amazing, Esther. You should have seen it.
What are you doing here? Why am I here?
John had cancer. Cancer of the mind, not the brain. Yeah, anyway, as I was saying before, I was... Oh, fuck off.
Can you do a Malcolm McDowell impression? Yes, I can do an excellent Malcolm McDowell impression.
The waterways of the spirit are equal to only that of the... Oh, Bible. Chemistry. This is some lost tier shit here.
That big fat guy. Didn't lose a single pound.
Typical American. Oh, I'm being cheeky again. The announcer guy. Right on cue.
Submerged. Oh, so his wife died while he had kidney stones. And now he blames himself for drinking too many fizzy drinks. And salty food.
This is some tragic Shakespearean shit right here, guys. Oh, no. Did I just go around in a circle? Oh, shit. Oh, because it's like life. You go around in circles sometimes. So that's why we decided to put it into Dear Esther, because, yeah, we're a kooky bunch. We're very deep, though, you know. This game is full of metaphor and stuff. Oh, for fuck's sake. This steering wheel represents man's inability to steer himself away from fate. Just as the protagonist couldn't steer away from Esther. Ah, see, it's deep shit. Oh, fuck, this is frustrating.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. Is it this way? Is this where I came? Oh, fuck, I am just terrible with directions. I do not know what I'm doing. I think this is where I came. Or was it?
I'm just going to go this way and see what's over here.
You've always been drawn here. One day the gulls will return and nest in our bones and our history. I will look to my left and see Esther Donnelly flying beside me. I will look to my right and see Paul Jacobsen flying beside me. They will leave white lines carved into the air to reach the mainland, where help will be sent.
Do it. Kill yourself.
Yep, okay. Quite a slow fall. I'm full of helium. It seems like water from episode one of Star Wars. Yep. This is pretty... Oh, no, I wasn't dying, I was flying! Oh, that's so nice! It's like the ending to Super Mario 64. I just can't wait till the ending where I'll have Esther in the sky with the cake and...
Thanks for playing!
I can't remember how this song goes. Something like that. It's Lord of the Rings. Oh, I can't do it. I can't hear myself sing. This music's too loud.
Well, at least he turned into a seagull. Which is almost as good as getting his dead wife back. In fact, it's better. I wish I was a seagull.
Who, me? I've finished the let's play. This is it. Okay? You alright? Hello? |
SaturdayNightLive | entertainment_tonight_lip_readers_snl | Welcome back to our Entertainment Tonight Award Season special. here's a riddle.: who is someone you see once a year, every single year, and yet you've never seen them before in your life? Answer,: an Entertainment Tonight host. Ouch, love that. Well, award season is in full swing. at seven, it's our favorite red carpet looks. And at eight, we'll mix up Sterling K. Brown and Michael B. Jordan in a big way. this award season, the internet has been abuzz with footage of celebs having conversations we wish we could hear. thanks to our next guest, we wouldn't have to speculate anymore.
Please welcome professional lip readers, Lawrence Hedge and Ronan Shory. Thank you. thank you for having us, or should I say? Translation,: we're still apartment hunting, if anyone knows of anything. Oh, wow. so you two are professional lip readers. Yes, we pick up on extremely subtle lip movements and body language to decipher exactly what someone might be saying. that's how I know you're insecure. Oh my God, I am. love that. So the first clip you'll be deciphering is from the viral romantic combo at the Globes between Timothy Chalamet and Kylie Jenner. Yes, now this conversation is really interesting. his body language says he's relaxed, yet a little horny. and the movement of her mouth will say that she's talking. Fascinating. let's play that clip.
Oh, your mom is so nice. she's wild, but I love her. it's crazy that she was married to Kanye. Wait, do you think Kim is my mom? oui, muah. Jejou, really, Wonka. Oh, I love you, baby. I love you, too. Jejou, Oompa Loompa.
Like we said, this isn't an exact science. but I do feel confident we got it at least 100% right. Sorry, just to confirm, you two are professional lip readers? Yes, we have over 1,200 videos on Tiktok. And how many followers? less. Well, that is fab. Love that. maybe we should try another clip. by all means. This next conversation is Taylor and Travis on the street in New York.
Roll it. it's Autumn. No, it's winter. I'm wearing a cardigan, and I want a cup of tea, Sleigh.
Big guy, I'm a big guy. stop, clap, clap, stop. North Korea. it's crazy. We both work at football stadiums. Yes, and remember to vote. vote early and vote often.
I love you, Taylor. I love you, too, Taylor. Wonderful. I am noticing that every clip ends with love You. Yes, 100% of some conversations end with love you.
Sure, but a lot of the time you're talking, their mouths are not moving at all. lies! But watch this. don't tell me not to live. just sit and pallet. I think it's very clear Jennifer Lawrence was mouthing. if I don't win, I'm leaving. Ok, why are you doubting us? do you have no respect for our deep body of work? our lip readings hold up in court. we have had people put away for life.
What? You have? Yes, we'll show you. we just need assistance from our little lesbian intern, Renee. intern, is Renee wrapped? Yeah. I've been going absolutely off in every single interview lately, so now I have to do 40 hours of court-ordered media training. You're ready, little lesbian intern, Renee? Yeah. Royal Evidence, Item 35a.
So you did the murder, right? Yeah, I did it. You did the murder. Yeah, I totally did with a big knife. Whoa, me with a knife, too. goop, goop, goop, Love you, baby. love you, too. All right, well, this has been Entertainment Tonight. one more thing before we go. they said, life's Candy in the Sons of All of Butter. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_heidi_gardner_and_ego_nwodim_snl | President Biden visited the Southern Border on Thursday and was horrified to discover it is being swarmed by criminals and rapists. that's right. both Biden and Trump coincidentally visited the border on the same day. which sounds like the setup for the weirdest rom-com of all time. My favorite part of the visit was when Trump, who looks good behind bars, by the way, finally came face-to-face with his sworn enemies, the Migrants, and he had a pretty harsh message for them. take a look. they like Trump. Can you believe it? No, I can't believe it. the migrants don't like you. the migrants walk the thousand miles to get to edge of this river, and they're probably thinking, is that weirdo in a Trump costume waving us into the country?
Mitch Mcconnell, seen here catching up on news from the Middle East, announced that he will step down as the Republican Leader in the Senate, with many saying the main reason is his bad relationship with Donald Trump. But come on, just because you hate somebody doesn't mean you can't still have a very successful working relationship with him. I almost feel like that was about me. Mitch Mcconnell, Mitch Mcconnell, seen here walking out of a theater after watching 12 Years A Slave, announced he will step down in November. he'll be replaced by the current number two Republican in the Senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. Mitch Mcconnell, seen here after rearranging a blind woman's furniture, gave a moving speech on the Senate floor announcing his retirement, which honestly made me start to admire Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching a single mother sell her blood for diaper money. Mrs. Senate Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-smith blocked a bill that would protect access to in vitro fertilization because, as they say in Mississippi, if you're having trouble conceiving, just try with a different cousin. After Nikki Haley's poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting for her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. Thank you, thank you, thank you. President Biden went to Walter Reed Medical Center for his annual physical. doctors said Biden was fit as a fiddle, in that he's old-timey and held together by strings. In an interview, Senator Mitt Romney said that he will not vote for Donald Trump over Joe Biden. now, some of you may remember Mitt Romney.
Well, guys, my prayers have been answered. Abc has officially announced they'll be making a season of the Golden Bachelorette.
Here to provide tips on having confidence at any age is a woman who's aging gracefully. Oh, no, thank you. great, because I always say a woman's age is like a speed limit. ignore it, unless you're on a school zone. What are you talking about? Anyway, you're here to share tips for women to feel confident at any age? Oh, yeah, it's all about working. let's go on. you know, some of these girls today have had so much work done. I'm like, what are you, Macondo? right, right, because you're aging gracefully. exactly. And that's why I just do the little stuff. a little botox hair, a little juvederm hair. my ears have been lowered, and my brows are my pubes. Oh, my God. you don't get that. you're not a woman.
Yeah, I don't think I really want to get it. So with the new season of the show coming out, what would your advice be for the new Golden Bachelorette? Well, Colin, when it comes out locking down a man, I always say these three things.: keep their bellies full of the game on and don't whine. that's like terrible advice. And if we're going to get work done, be like my condo. just own it. shout out to my condo. All right, so when I get tweaks, I admit it. like, all I've met, I've had the surgeon take a little off my ass and put it in my lips. but he promised, if I taste crap, he'll put it back. So far, no crap. Yeah, that's genuinely disgusting. All right, get out. you're not a woman. plastic surgery is like a Jenga tower. take a loose piece from the bottom, put it on top. and then one day, bam, it all falls apart. No, no, guess what? it's Colin. then add ten. I don't really want to play this game. Well, when it comes to men, just remember these ten things. ten? keep the French docked bellies full. laugh at his jokes. don't tell stories. make dinner. don't vote. make lunch. and take it from me. Don't sleep with a son. did you sleep with someone's son? You know, it's so sad.
Some of these girls, they're flying all the way out of Brussels. they got a new booty. Well, you can drive 20 minutes to the mechanic for a nipple replacement. I'm sorry, a nipple replacement?
That's right. And they came from a guy. So now, I can show my rack on Tv. don't be shocked. please leave your shirt on. I have to say, for someone who's aging gracefully, you've had a lot of work done. Well, it's not work if it's working. Shout out to my. these are donor eyes. they're donor eyes? I know, right? And when it comes to guys, just remember these 40 things.: Tv in the bedroom, beer fridge in the bathroom.
Don't sleep with his daughter. burn your books. And if you're going to sleep with his son, don't fall in love.
Guess my age. your age, I don't know, 63? Ah, flip the numbers and add a zero. So, 360? Oh, a 360?
I thought you'd never ask. Office, not Office. he works at Office. A woman aging gracefully, everyone. I lied. I read my life. a new report shows that South Korea now has the world's lowest birth rate, despite the efforts of South Korean entertainer Nick Kan. Um. Nick Kan. Um, though. yeah, I know. I heard you. a new trend among parents is to choose baby names that sound cool as tiktok handles. Great news for little baby trick shot covid hoax.
Flocko, the beloved owl that escaped from the Central Park Zoo, died last week after he flew into a building. Flocko will be remembered for his famous last words,: oh, cool, another owl.
Staten Island Officials. Staten Island officials are holding a separate St. Patrick's Day Parade that will welcome Lgbtq groups who were banned from the official parade, because sadly, on Staten Island, Lgbtq stands for let's go bully the queers. I know, that's not what it should stand for. I feel attached. a new study claims Fremont, California is the happiest city in America, while the saddest city in America is once again Puppy Grave, Indiana. which, incidentally, is the favorite vacation spot of Mitch Mcconnell. March is Women's History Month, which is always nice, except for that one week where it's a huge bitch. remember when you cheered for the beginning?
Kfc has introduced a new item that's a combo of fried chicken and pizza called cheetza, though they warn it could also cause a combo reaction called Vomeria. Charlotte, a round stingray that has lived for years in the North Carolina Aquarium without a male companion, is pregnant, making people wonder who's the father and how did this happen? Here to comment is Charlotte the pregnant Stingray. Michael, Michael, Michael, boy do I have some news for you. you gonna be a daddy.
Stop playing. No, you stop playing.
I'm a little on edge right now. all this attention is a lot for me. maybe this fame stuff is normal for you, but you do not want to be a famous animal. you've seen how they did Harambe, right? But people are confused about how you got pregnant. why? do you know how insulting it is to have someone look at you and say, who got you pregnant? I'll tell you who, Mr. Weekend Update and his latex allergy. we're gonna stop with that, Okay? You know, some people think that you got pregnant via immaculate conception. uh, yeah, it was immaculate in that you immaculated, then I immaculated three times back to back. I would say you broke my back, but I ain't got no bones. I don't like this. So this is the virgin conception. Michael, I ain't been a virgin since I was two, and that's late for a stingray. But if you must know, I got a four-digit body count. hold on, four digits? Oh, okay, so you jealous? you don't need to be insecure, boo. you put it down better than all them fish. after you swung by my tank, let's just say a bitch could've swim straight for weeks.
Charlotte, have you been near a male stingray? Oh, I've been near males, but none of them been men. none of them been Mr. Michael Shay. Charlotte, relax. don't female stingrays make with multiple males? And in the spring. Okay, Nat Geo. that is Nat Geo business. multiple males.
You not about to have me on Tv looking like a hoe? you talking real crazy sitting next to a stingray. you knocked up. And you lucky? I'm keeping it. I tried popping out on land to pop a plan B, but as soon as I got out, them white people flung my ass right back in that tank like a frisbee. I was like, damn, guessing I'm having a little chain-ray. Well, you're not just pregnant with one. I heard you're having quadruplets. quadruplets? What I'm supposed to do with four of your babies? there's no way you can support four kids. you work one day a week.
I guess I'm having this baby. what's going on? You know, some of these girls today have had so much work done. I'm like, what are you? Macondo? right, right. because you're aging gracefully. exactly. And that's why I just do the little stuff. a little botox hair, a little juvederm hair. my ears have been lowered, and my brows are my pubes.
Oh, my God. you don't got them. You don't got them.
Yeah, I don't think I really want to get it. So with the new season of the show coming out, what would your advice be for the new Golden Bachelorette? Well, Colin, when it comes out locking down a man, always add these three things. kid their bellies, fold the game on, and don't whine. Oh, that's like terrible advice. And if we're going to get worked on, be like my condo. just own it. shout out to my condo. All right. So when I get tweaks, I admit it. Like, I'll admit, I've had the surgeon take a little off my ass and put it in my lips. but he promised, if I taste crap, he'll put it back. So far, no crap. it's genuinely disgusting. All right. you don't get it. you're not a lie man. plastic surgery is like a Jenga tower. take a loose piece from the bottom, put it on top. and then one day, bam, all falls apart. No, that's why it's Colin. then add 10. I don't really want to play this game. Well, when it comes to men, just remember these 10 things. 10? keep the fridge stocked, bellies full, laugh at his jokes, don't tell stories, make dinner, don't vote, make lunch, and take it from me, don't sleep with his son. did you sleep with someone's son?
You know, it's so sad. some of these girls, they're flying all the way out of bed. they've got a new booty. when you can drive 20 minutes from the mechanic for a nipple replacement. I'm sorry, a nipple replacement? that's right. And they came from a guy. So now, I can show my rack on Tv. don't be shocked. please leave your shirt on. I have to say, for someone who's aging gracefully, you've had a lot of work done. Well, it's not work if it's working. Shout out to my co- these are donor eyes. they're donor eyes? I know, right?
And when it comes to guys, just remember these 40 things.: Tv in the bedroom, beer fridge in the bathroom, don't sleep with his daughter, burn your books. And if you're going to sleep with his son, don't fall in love.
I thought you'd never ask. Office, my office. a woman aging gracefully, everyone. I lied.
I read my life. a new report shows that South Korea now has the world's lowest birth rate, despite the efforts of South Korean entertainer Nick Kan-oon. Nick Kan-oon.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, I heard you.
I hate it. a new trend among parents is to choose baby names that sound cool as tiktok handles. Great news for little baby trick shot covid hoax.
Flocko, the beloved owl that escaped from the Central Park Zoo, died last week after he flew into a building. Flocko will be remembered for his famous last words, oh, cool, another owl.
Starting out on officials. Staten Island officials are holding a separate St. Patrick's Day Parade that Will welcome Lgbtq groups who were banned from the official parade, because sadly, on Staten Island, Lgbtq stands for let's go bully the queers. I know. that's not what it should stand for. I feel attached. a new study claims Fremont, California is the happiest city in America, while the saddest city in America is once again Puppy Grave, Indiana. which, incidentally, is the favorite vacation spot of Mitch Mcconnell. March is women's History Month, which is always nice, except for that one week where it's a huge bitch. remember when you cheered for the beginning?
Kfc has introduced a new item that's a combo of fried chicken and pizza called Cheetza. though they warn it could also cause a combo reaction called Vomeria. Charlotte, a round stingray that has lived for years in the North Carolina Aquarium without a male companion, is pregnant, making people wonder, who's the father and how did this happen? Here to comment is Charlotte the pregnant stingray. Michael, Michael, Michael, Boy, do I have some news for you. you gonna be a daddy.
Stop playing. No, you stop playing.
I'm a little on edge right now. all this attention is a lot for me. maybe this fame stuff is normal for you, but you do not want to be a famous animal. you've seen how they did Harambe, right? But people are confused about how you got pregnant. Why? Do you know how insulting it is to have someone look at you and say, who got you pregnant? I'll tell you who missed a weekend update in his latex allergy. we're gonna stop with that, Okay? you know, some people think that you got pregnant via immaculate conception. uh, yeah, it was immaculate in that you immaculated, then I immaculated three times back to back. I would say you broke my back, but I ain't got no bones. I don't like this. So this is the virgin conception.
Michael, I ain't been a virgin since I was two, and that's late for a stingray. But if you must know, I got a four-digit body count. hold on, four digits? Oh, okay, so you jealous? No. you don't need to be insecure, boo. you put it down better than all them fish. after you swung by my tank, let's just say a bitch could've swim straight for weeks. Charlotte, have you been near a male stingray? Oh, I've been near males, but none of them been men. none of them been Mr. Michael Shay. Charlotte, relax. don't female stingrays make with multiple males? And in the spring. Okay, Nat Geo. that is Nat Geo business. multiple males. You not about to have me on Tv looking like a hoe. you talking real crazy sitting next to a stingray. you knocked up, and you lucky? I'm keeping it. I tried popping out on land to pop a plan B, but as soon as I got out, then white people flung my ass right back in that tank like a frisbee. I was like, damn, guessing I'm having a little chain-ray.
Well, you're not just pregnant with one, I heard you're having quadruplets. quadruplets? What I'm supposed to do with four of your babies? There's no way you can support four kids. you work one day a week.
Shoot. Hey, Michael. Michael, quick question. who's the best abortion doctor in the Carolinas? I just know you. the blood. Charlotte, the pregnant stingray, everybody. I guess I'm having this baby. we can let that joke tonight. |
TheOnion | McCain_Declines_Secret_Service | In a Newsweek article released today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain said if elected, he would cut $15 million in government spending by eliminating the need for the Secret Service. The decorated war hero said, quote, you think I can't defend myself from some whack job? I've been to hell and back. And quote, if someone tries anything, the Secret Service better be protecting him, not me. McCain went on to state that if elected during his inauguration day parade, he would ride in a motorcade with the top down. And if, quote, someone even looks at me cross-eyed, I'll rip his guts out through his throat and nail his ears to my trophy wall. In a conference call with reporters, McCain's campaign manager Rick Davis called McCain very passionate about his plans.
So I will also save the government an estimated $3 million by eliminating the use of the Air Force One. And I'll just pilot himself around at a decommissioned A-4 Skyhawk.
The McCain campaign also released a press statement earlier today, which includes a plan to save the nation an additional half million dollars by replacing the costly White House security system with a series of traps McCain will build himself out of wire and sharpen sticks. The 71-year-old Vietnam veteran also issued a challenge, suggesting that instead of debates, he and Obama be dropped naked into a forest with only a hunting knife to see who comes out alive. Putting a cigarette out on his tongue, McCain added, the day I get out tracked in the jungle is the day I saw off my own balls. |
dropout | alex_jones_s_head_finally_exploded | Oh, whoa. What's up? You know how Alex Jones' head always looks like it's going to explode? Yeah, like a pimple that's been squeezed a little. Yeah, or if, like, a volcano was a person. Well, it looks like it finally happened. Oh my god.
I mean, his skin was always so red, it looked like he was flooding his system with niacin to pass a drug test. And his voice always sounded like a bunch of rocks in a blender that were alive and in pain and racist.
What happened? Did he go to a Five and Under soccer match and get so frustrated that they aren't good yet that he threw a chair and blew a gasket? That sounds right, but I don't think so. What are you two bitches whining about now? Oh, you know Alex Jones? Yeah, the guy who looks like a big toe made of big toes that hate each other. Wait, did his head finally explode? Yeah. Let me guess, did he try to order a Grand Mac from Wendy's even though that was actually a McDonald's thing and it's also not around anymore? And then he got mad, so he starts yelling about how he knows for a fact that they're the same restaurant. And then as, like, an anger coping mechanism, he starts making these, like, these, like, engine-reading sounds with his mouth and he does that until his engine, aka his brain, gets flooded. Killing him? Not that either.
Looks like he was eating ribs while sitting on a toilet in his soundproof man-cave bathroom. As we know, he probably screams while he shits because his insides are so messed up from when he got kicked by a meal he was trying to fuck. Yes, of course. Apparently he was trying to wipe a barbecue sauce covered booger on the wall behind his toilet, you know, to put it with the others. And then the angle in which he twisted somehow undid a kink in his intestines that sent shit-bunging upward into his fat-covered heart, which knocked into his brain like an eight ball, and then that sent his brains flying all over his ceiling mural of Reagan getting the idea for crack cocaine.
Nice. That's how I wanna go. |
TheOnion | ClickHole_This_43_Year_Old_Man_Won_t_Let_Himself_Be_Defined_By_Barbie_s_Beauty_Standards | Uh, I got my first Barbie when I was 37 years old. And even when I was younger, I knew I didn't need to look like her to feel good about myself. A lot of people want her to be just like Barbie because she's very pretty, but not me. You see, I don't need blonde hair, or long slender legs, or a big pink jeep. It's not who I am, and that's not what makes me special. And just because Barbie has a size zero waist and wears dark makeup, does that mean that's the only way to be beautiful?
I mean, what kind of message does that send to men like me? I always remember that this is just a silly toy, and it shouldn't change the way I look at myself. And if anyone has a problem with me being myself, well, then they're probably not really my friends.
Do I still play with my Barbie? Sure. But when I dress up my doll now, I sometimes like to put her in a longer dress, because I don't think I should have to wear a really short skirt to get attention from anyone. I also don't just play with Barbies. I play with Legos and Mega Bloks, because while I definitely like Barbies, I like building things too, and I'm actually really, really good at it. My name is Tim Mortensen. I'm 43 years old, and I know that I don't need to be defined by Barbie. I can be whoever I want to be. |
cracked | if_the_flintstones_was_about_real_cavemen | Hey, that's what I call dinner to go Relax dumb dumb dinner's on me Chili isn't it? Here you go Oh, well this relationship is off to a rocky start Sewing and a miss you'll get that one when you did baseball dumb dumb So that's what I call two balls in a strike Gazoo there you are. Oh, hi that Tazon. So nice of you to drop in Gazoo I've been sent by our people. You must cease this inane Jack Assery It demeans us all why I'm only having fun with my new friend dumb dumb. He's a riot I'll see gazoo look at yourself. You're a hyper intelligent Interdimensional being with the power to travel through space and time and manipulate reality at a whim flattery will get you everywhere Tazon do go on You from earlier the poo You'll display your powers you spend all day harassing these rudimentary terraforms Well, your helmets not right for your skin tone, but I don't say anything about it. Gazzoo This is serious if you must remain in this time and place Why not do some good? The ability to control fire is a monumental step in the ascendance of any species fine We'll do it your way. Hey dumb dumb You're fired You'll get that one when you invent the apprentice You're just making things worse easy that commander uptight he's getting it give him a second Oh You need to start taking things more seriously Worlds hang in the balance.
Oh, all right. All right here dumb dumb. This one's on the house What now what did you do gazoo I gave dumb dumb here the power of speech Goodness, that's huge. Verbal communication is the cornerstone of any society. You really think they're ready? Well, let's see here speak dumb dumb Huh, well, who's that big pardon?
The two-word vocabulary was me but the comic timing was all dumb dumb I Regret nothing Hey subscribe to our channel, I'm crack comms Dan O'Brien and I want you to subscribe to our channel I'm the it's not working. I didn't get to do what I saw That's what we'll do it, okay Hey, I'm about the three T's tick two beers and togetherness because you and me together. We're gonna have a raging time |
TheOnion | Severely_Injured_Woman_Heroically_Fights_Off_Paramedics_Trying_To_Force_Her_Into_Medical_Debt | It's a terrifying story out of Atlanta, Georgia, where one woman heroically fought off several paramedics who were trying to force her into medical debt after enduring a car crash. We've got the details on how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical, the premier news podcast that sets out to find new ways every day to make you feel more terrible and anxious about the world than you did the previous day. We're only a few months into the show, but so far I think we're killing it, so stay with us.
I'm on the side of the road, bleeding from a cut on my forehead, and next thing I know, this ambulance is speeding up next to me, and I'm like, this is it. I'm gonna be taken to some hospital that doesn't take my insurance, and I'm gonna get battered by medical bills for the next ten years. The voice you just heard is that of 27-year-old Dinora Salcedo, who was recently confronted by two emergency responders who tried to drag her into a $500 ambulance ride. Thankfully, Dinora was able to courageously fight them off before they could force her into medical debt, but not everyone ends up as lucky as Dinora did.
For more on this story and this alarming trend, we're joined by OPR's Jenna Resnick. Hello Jenna. Hi Leslie.
You weren't able to sit down with Dinora after the incident. What did she tell you? After being involved in a car accident, she said she was immediately cornered by those emergency responders who tried to coerce her into being taken to a quote, safe hospital, where she could get treatment for her broken leg and bloody cuts. But as she told me, she didn't fall for their scheme. They were like, come on, get in the ambulance. We want to help you.
But I knew all they wanted to do was put me through an expensive hospital stay full of x-rays, emergency surgeries, and antibiotic prescriptions I couldn't afford. What you could have been billed for is almost too much to think about. When they tried to give me a shot that they said would calm me down and stop the pain, my measly life savings passed right before my eyes. It was horrifying. How were you able to wrangle free from them? Luckily, I was carrying mace and was able to spray it in both their eyes. When they told me a CT scan I might need could cost up to $5,000. My God, how are you now? I almost bled to death trying to find an urgent care center, and I have a pretty nasty scar from the wound that didn't heal properly.
I'm just hoping that walking on an untreated broken leg won't do any real damage. Yeah, fingers crossed for D'Nora. Hopefully she'll just have a weird limp at the most for the rest of her life.
Right. Now, are these types of run-ins common? According to Regina Hornsby, a former police officer turned self-defense instructor, these situations happen all the time. And unfortunately, not everyone is able to get away free of medical bills like D'Nora did. Regina explains it.
Often when someone is approached by an EMT, they don't realize they're in financial danger until it's too late. They think, what's one or two stitches going to hurt? But the next thing you know, you're getting x-rays, MRIs, staying for overnight observation, and suddenly you're paying for that one bad decision for the rest of your life. What are some tips for those out there walking around with life-threatening injuries who can't afford the risk of being taken to a hospital? First, there's safety in numbers. Try to travel with a friend who can apply pressure to a wound while you call around to find a cheap urgent care clinic. And if you are alone, slowly bleeding to death, and you spot an ambulance approaching you, duck into an open store. Or better yet, a pharmacy where you can ask for help finding a tourniquet.
Finally, sometimes it's just smarter to take a taxi to where you need to go. A hundred dollar bill to clean out all the blood you might spill inside the taxi is much cheaper than what an ambulance ride could run you. All right, when in doubt, just bleed out in the taxi and hope you get there in time.
Good tips, thanks Jenna. Thanks Leslie. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick, back in a moment. After a surge of user complaints calling for the company to take responsibility, Tik Tok CEO Kevin Mayer has released a video apologizing for the popular social media app, which has inadvertently given a platform to thousands of theater kids. 13-year-old OPR social media expert Kelsey Davis joins me now. Welcome Kelsey. Hi Leslie. I'm 32.
Yeah, for some reason that's worse. So why this total 180 from Tik Tok?
The CEO is responding to pressure from Tik Tok users since the platform has been flooded with millions of videos showing insufferable high school drama club students not only lip syncing popular musicals, but mashing different power ballads together and creating showy new dance routines. Here's what Mayer said in the video. We do not condone this harmful indulging in theatrical melodrama or the disturbing cries for attention in these videos. This kind of over-the-top style of expression is not what our platform is intended to be used for. Tik Tok is a place for non-lame self-expression by hot, popular underage kids dancing to Top 40 radio, and we truly apologize for all those offended by these attempts to force mediocre one-person reenactments of Dear Evan Hansen or duets of the song Popular from Wicked down anyone's throats. That sounds easier said than done considering the prevalence of the videos and the gusto with which the offenders keep posting them.
Exactly right.
These theater kids perpetuate shameful musical theater culture, especially by co-opting the types of videos created on Tik Tok by significantly cooler kids. For instance, a complicated dance challenge that should be performed to a Missy Elliott song is instead being performed to a song from Legally Blonde the Musical. Then, of course, there are the more explicit split-screen duets promoting admittedly skillful levels of vibrato from Les Miserables.
Right. I understand we have one such video in our possession that we're going to play, so I'd like to issue a warning that some of the earnest preening you're about to hear may be incredibly disturbing to some listeners. That's right.
This is from one dangerously heartfelt hashtag challenge in which theater kids sing the names of random musicals and strike a related pose for each one. Chicago, Billy Elliot, Cats, West Side Story, Matilda, Red Oh god, turn it off.
Ugh. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
There's evidence that these videos may be encouraging more children to record their own narcissistic performances. I spoke with parents Linda and Steve Baker in Fort Wayne, Indiana, who are concerned their son Tyler is being radicalized by the videos. He locks himself up in his room all day watching those videos.
I heard him writing his own original libretto where he plays several characters. Can't he just dance to Megan Thee Stallion like a hot kid? My son has always been a dork, but I didn't think it would get this bad. Tyler!
Hey buddy, do you want to try doing a TikTok prank on your sister? Not until she agrees to harmonize with me on Fun Home.
Oh, absolutely terrible.
So what is TikTok doing to slow the prevalence of these videos? TikTok CEO Kevin Mayer says the company has already updated its terms of use and adjusted its algorithm to detect, quote, spring awakening duets or Lin-Manuel Miranda references of any kind whatsoever. Here's Mayer again.
We've also begun the process of hiring sincerity moderators to assess inappropriate cringiness. That's going to be an incredibly taxing and traumatic job, so we want our employees to know that they will be given plenty of mental health and cultural resources, like counseling and professional artistic performances, to ease the trauma these theater kid videos inflict. We'll also be reporting the most embarrassing TikToks to the local school bullies to address these kids' issues firsthand. The internet truly brings out the worst in people.
Thank you, Kelsey. Sure thing. That's OPR's Kelsey Davis, back in a moment.
COVID-19, police brutality, the 2020 presidential election, we're living through turbulent times here in the U.S., characterized by chaos, violence, and widespread uncertainty. And now, as if things weren't bad enough, experts today have confirmed that snakes are still slithering around out there. OPR's Marcy Hammond joins us now with more. Marcy, please tell us there's been some kind of mistake. Well, I hate to say it, Leslie, but this is true. On top of everything we're dealing with right now, snakes are in fact alive and kicking. Dr. Stanley Mendez, a biologist from Stanford University, shared the terrible news at a press conference earlier today. Take a listen.
A team of our top researchers has discovered that snakes still exist. These legless creeps continue to slink through gardens, lurk under rocks, and drag their lousy bodies across American soil. At first we thought perhaps they were just a part of a garden hose, or a really big worm. But unfortunately, they are definitely still snakes.
Oh man, are they sure? Because a buddy of mine killed one a few years ago that was living under a shed. That didn't take care of the problem for good? I'm afraid not.
It looks like snakes are pretty much here to stay. It's like this nation just can't catch a break. You're telling me. Now, snakes certainly aren't the most pressing issue right now, what with unemployment skyrocketing, ice, gun violence, the opioid epidemic, climate change Products that promise to restore your hairline, but just make your scalp tingle? But remembering that snakes are out there too, watching and waiting, it just doesn't help at all. Exactly. A pandemic is one thing, but a pandemic and snakes, it's all just too much.
And with virtually no legislation moving forward in the House or Senate, many Americans are feeling just as helpless on the issue. Here's single mother Amanda Schumacher, who represents just one of millions struggling to cope. Every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to feed my children, how I'm going to afford it if I get sick.
And are there any snakes outside? Even worse, what if there are snakes inside? Then what? Am I going to have to quit my job and fight off snakes full time? Now that's heartbreaking. Marcy, are there any precautions we can take to avoid snakes, like, say, standing on a chair in the center of the kitchen? Authorities are currently advising that anyone who sees a snake should be fully prepared to point and yell, snake!
That's all? Isn't there anything else we can do? Not really.
Anything you want, you can take a picture with your phone to show everyone how gross it is. And just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse, I guess our only hope at this point is that they all accidentally get stepped on.
That's right, Leslie. We'll just have to wait and see. Hey, don't do that. I'm sorry, Leslie.
Jesus Christ, I thought there was a snake in here for a minute. Do you think that's funny? I thought it would be a fun way to end the story.
Well, it's not! This isn't some fucking joke.
Leslie, I- Out! Out of the studio! Out now! This has been an OPR Report. We'll be back in a moment.
Jesus, give me the hibby-jibbies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
If there was a news story not covered in today's episode of The Topical that you would like to hear about, well, you're going to have to go investigate it for yourself because we're closing out today's show by answering some questions that were sent in by you the listener using the hashtag LesliesMailsack. Our first question comes to us from Colin on Twitter who asks, Hey Leslie, ever since you went to Italy and then shipped yourself back, I've been wondering, how is your syphilis now? Unfortunately, Colin, I don't know what you're talking about. I have no recollection of any of the things you just mentioned, which I'm sure has nothing to do with the syphilis spreading throughout my bloodstream and infecting my brain. I do appreciate your concern, Colin, but if you kindly go back to minding your own damn business, it would be greatly appreciated.
All right, our next question comes to us from Twitter user, at RuinGone, who asks, tits or ass? Hmm. Well, it's a little hard to tell from just your profile photo, but if I had to guess, I'd say that's your ass. Thanks for the question. Okay, and our last question today also comes to us from Twitter.
Applebee bathroom peepee man writes, Leslie, each day the listeners are graced by your velvety newsreader cadence, but we yearn to know more about the man behind the mic. Can you please detail your handsome facial features and hunky appearance for us? Oh, well, I'd be happy to, Applebee bathroom peepee man, but unfortunately, that wouldn't be fair to our contestants. That's right, folks, we have a brand new contest starting today. We here at The Topical want to know what you think I look like. So let us know in the reviews on Apple Podcast and on social media how you envision your friend and host, Leslie Price. And if your description is, in my opinion, correct, you could win a chance to be an unpaid reporter in one of our episodes. So don't wait! Go describe my high cheekbones and unreceiving hairline in the reviews now.
And of course, we're not just a game show over here. We also still read some news every now and then. So don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode of The Topical, where we'll explore what it's like living on just $10 a day, and why it's right for some people, but not for us. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you next time. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
dropout | Alfie_The_Horny_Halfling_Pt_2 | Hello, everyone, and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross, with me, as always, is my co-host, Rekha. Rekha! Do the Rekha dance.
Thank you so much for being here, whether you are watching on CH2, whether you are listening wherever you get your podcasts, or whether you're on our favorite way to be joining us, you're subscribed to Dropout, Dropout where you get to see not only this, but all the other podcasts, Tales from the Closet, a new series going up all the time, King Pink Katie just dropped, we're so excited about that, so not only do you get to be in our book club, but you get to enjoy all the other stuff that's on there. And one of our favorite parts about Dropout is the Discord. We have a Discord where you can chat directly with the cast about any show you want, and in particular for this one, you can be a part of the Erotic Book Club. So I grabbed some quick little quotes from it.
There was a very long conversation about sexy skeletons and bones. Someone went on Hero Forge and made a very thick, sexy skeleton.
It was, yeah, very pleasurable. A queer phone wished everyone a happy Daddy's Day, which you'll probably hear this a little after Father's Day, but I think we can always, really every day is Daddy's Day. Yeah, that's the thing about daddies. And there's a lot of great erotic suggestions in there. We can't always get to everything on the podcast, but if you like reading this shit every single night, you can go on there, pick something out, and enjoy yourself.
So that's what's going on in our Discord. But now it's time to talk about the book that we came here to talk about, the second half of Alfie, Chapter 6 to 10. You demanded it. We read it. Yes, by NCASE. Of course, we needed to bring our experts back. So with us again is our ear expert, Ally.
Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much.
Now, how did the first half and second half ear play? Any thoughts on that? I mean, we'll get into it, but I think they really upped their game in the second half. I think so, too. This time, we had a little more biting of the ear. Yes, and just more ears in general to be bitten.
Representation. Representation matters. Remember when Frances McDormand started a speech at an awards ceremony saying, representation matters, and then thanked her agents, because that's what she meant by representation. That is a real thing that happened one year ago.
Tomatoes, lettuce, a diversified diet is what you call it. Eat a little less meat, diversity matters.
We also have our returning expert, Tao here. He's a returning halfling expert. Tao, would you say, you were kind of railed on in the comments about your halfling expertise.
Have you updated your knowledge? You promised us that you studied more. We said, we can't bring you back with false information. We'll be humiliated. Absolutely.
I studied. I went back and looked at my thesis again. And I was wrong last time. Halflings are not half human and half elf. I looked it up. I have more information now. Halflings are half humans and half dogs.
Thank you for the correction. I get it. It makes sense. Small, tiny dogs like your chihuahuas, like your. That explains the ears. Yes. Explains the, yes, the ears. That makes perfect sense. Thank you for the correction. So everyone can calm down now. Tao has corrected it. His answer is now more correct. Yes. Thank you, Tao. Yes, thank you so much. I've looked through and combed the internet for sources. Cool. Thank you. Let's dive right on in.
Let's dive into the waters of chapter six that start out with Alfie in a lake in a white t-shirt in this cute little floral wreath. And she's looking as sultry as ever. More so than what I remembered. It's been a couple weeks. And then I was like, wow, yeah, I missed her. We are at the, oh, so to catch you up from last time, or if you didn't check out the first Alfie episode, Alfie is about a halfling woman, a teenage girl, and her mother. And it's a lot about sexual repression and discovering and trying new things out. And we're met at this chapter.
There was a big festival about to happen for all the women to wear wreaths and go into a lake.
Yes. There was one panel where it was kind of in the background where a halfling woman put a candle on a wreath into the river. And then it sunk. Yeah. Weirdly, that's a Hindu thing. Oh, really? Leaves with little wicks with a little flame that you release into the Ganges, the Ganga River. And it's very beautiful. You shouldn't put a candle. I was going to say, yeah. What? It sank. And then she went, oh, I guess I'll never get married. Oh, my god.
If this candle sinks. If this dense candle sinks, it's always going to sink. It's like a freaking birthday candle. So there's lots of people gathered around the bonfire celebrating.
Vera is looking for Alfie. Vera is Alfie's mother, but she can't quite find her. She wants to talk to her because they've gotten to another fight. They're kind of always fighting. But Alfie goes off into the woods with her friend, Melly.
And she's saying she's not really feeling the festival. She just doesn't feel like she fits in and belongs here. She's thinking about leaving. And her friend's like, will you just chill the fuck out?
Let's go skinny dip lake in the middle of the woods. And so they go to skinny dip lake.
And you can only imagine what happens next with these friends. Yes. Alfie takes off her pants. And then Melly goes, Alfie, you notice skinny dip? You have to take off your shirt, right? Which I know that's part of the sexy plot. But don't we all have that friend that just won't let you be uncomfortable in your body? And you're like, just give me space to be uncomfortable. You think Alfie was like, I need my shirt on while swimming. I need my tight white t-shirt on. I know it's part of the sexiness. But I was just like, I had that high school friend. Shut up, Melly. Your fucking six pack.
I definitely had the middle school boy experience where you're like, I'm just going to leave my shirt on in the pool. I had the middle girl experience of it. I wore gypshorts in pools.
And shorts. Which always, doesn't it suck when you hop in in full clothes and you're like, all right, I'm safe. But then they just suction to your body even more. You might as well be wearing a spandex. Yeah, or just getting out is the worst. It's like everything is stuck to you. Because it's not me. I was just like, I don't want anyone focusing on my boobs. And bikini is so like, oh, you could see a third of each side. So I was like, I'll wear a shirt. But yeah, then you get out and it's like, good god.
This is way worse. And now it's see through? Yeah, it fucking sucks. Anyway. So they're both like drunk at this point, right?
All of us have one beer each. A courage beer. That's all they needed. But for halflings, how much would you need? How much beer? Yes, halflings, oh, you know, like a shot is like eight beers.
Oh, wow. These bitches are wild.
OK, so this lake was hot, too, or like warm, right? So I imagine it's almost like a hot tub effect. Oh, it was? It was warm. Like a warm spring?
Well, when she gets in, she goes, it's warm. It's perfect. And then she goes, why are you wearing your shirt? She goes, oh, it's cold. And she goes, is it cold or is it warm, Alfie?
Oh, I liked that. That was a fun part. It's very playful.
But I was like, oh, is this going to be like a hot tub effect? Like, you're so, like, you're going to pass out. Oh, no. Oh, god.
Was it warm? Was it a warm river? I think it was just warm, like normal.
I loved in this scene, too. So to kind of show the attraction, we just kept getting little shots of, like, Melly's vagina different angles. She's, like, bent over, but it's very clearly in the middle. We are Alfie's eyes zooming in on her friend's vagina and how, like, obsessed she is over it, which I really like that. And then at one point, Melly calls her out. Like, are you looking at it? And there's this super cool panel where she calls her out for it, but is also, like, standing over her, like, with it.
Like, oh, this? Yeah. I was like, damn. And she goes, I know that look. That's the I want to fuck look, which I was like, cool.
And Alfie gets, like, super embarrassed. Because she does. But Melly keeps kind of, like, egging her on and teasing her in a way that's, like, half making fun of her, but obviously, like, also interested in it. Also, backstreet. Alfie had that fantasy of having sex with Melly. She watched her friend having sex at, like, a bonfire thing. And then her, Alfie and her boyfriend went off. But the whole time, she was thinking about the friend Melly.
So then she's like, all right, we'll come over here and kiss me. And they do. And then Alfie's, like, kind of freaking out. And she's super into it. So then she grabs her and, like, does it again. And then we get into a super hot sex scene.
I thought this was so hot. I love this one. Yeah, duh. Oh my god, yeah. It was so, I literally wrote down, nothing better than a woman going down on a woman. And she's all sprawled out. Every one of those pictures, I was like, this is what it is. Beautiful things, Jessica Ross. Nothing better.
All sprawled out.
I don't even like it.
Like a platypus. Like a big city. Like a Renaissance. I'm talking about, like, a Renaissance, like, Rubinesque thing. Like, everyone just lounging in graves. No, you're talking about big city. We're talking about urban planning here.
Oil and then lit each other up. She's talking about Brooklyn. And Alfie is just loving it. And she's having a great time. This was just a great, tender, wonderful sex scene.
I thought it was beautiful. And I liked that this felt like one of those less predatory, like, first time things, where she wasn't being like, let me teach you. And it felt, like, gross. It was just, like, literally like, yeah, I'm interested.
Go down on me. I will finger you. Yeah, and then I will reciprocate. Yeah, OK, it's your turn now.
Really nice. They were just, like, exploring. And yeah, there was no, like, shame attached or anything. It was just awesome.
Yeah, until the end of it. Yeah. Oh, that's right.
Because so then they are going at it, having a great time. But then Vera is still looking for Alfie and, of course, interrupts and finds them, lashes out at Melly, and basically tries to blame her. And then can kind of see in Alfie's eyes, like, oh, it's not just Melly's fault. Like, you wanted this, too. Yes, and as the back story for Vera, she's been having, like, a kind of learning moment with homosexuality, with kinks, with BDSM, and just basically anything that isn't straight sex. Yeah, her husband is gay and cheats on her. And so I think she's almost, in a way, lashing out at Alfie and also afraid for her. And, like, so many emotions kind of all at once. And lashing out at Melly, because she's, like, you're married, Melly. Married people don't cheat. Which is, like, personal to me. Melly Derek.
Yeah.
So Alfie runs away.
And I thought this was a really cool thing, too. When she runs away, kind of her mother's words are, like, blocked out around her. Like, and the blocks mean that it's her mind. So it's, like, all playing in her head still. I love that device of how, like, the thoughts were squared. I'm like, oh, that helps me. When someone's saying something and then the thought bubble is the opposite, I'm like, oh, that's exactly how sometimes it is.
It's really well done in the whole book. Yeah. And the book does a great job, too.
It's like every time Vera gets in one of these big fights, it's almost like she just instinctually lashes out. And then she's instantly like, why did I do that? Why did I say that? She has a humanness to her, even though you're, like, mad at her. It's like anger is, like, her coping mechanism for everything just to jump to, like, well, you did something wrong. And then they show a flashback of Vera and, like, her being called a whore and a beggar and wanting to run away by her mother.
So it's, like, the cycle of it happening. So just these characters are so great and really well-written. Yeah.
So she goes home. She finds a note from Alfie that she's running away. And Alfie says she's going to her grandfather's, which we find out is a lie. She's actually going to join the caravan.
And then Vera and Derek have a moment. Vera confesses that she slept with Alduin, who was the elf from the first book.
And instead of being upset, Derek's kind of like, yeah, that's great. I'm super happy for you. And Vera's upset that he's not upset. Yeah. Well, I feel like this moment where you're just like, yeah, now you're going to be mad, aren't you? And being like, no. That feels very real. It feels very real. He just wants anything from him. Even anger shows that you care just to go like, oh, cool. Yeah, good for you. It's kind of like, why don't you care about? Why are we married? Yeah. Right. It's like her warped mind, though. He's totally showing that he cares, saying like, yeah, I'm glad that you're getting what you need. Yeah. But she's just like, what? Well, yeah, because it's almost like he gets to be happy because he's more sure of himself and what he likes. And she is still figuring that out. So her using this as a trump card of like, well, I'm also like, I'm with this elf who gets me into BDSM. And he's like, great. And she's like, no. Because she still doesn't know if she likes it or not. Yeah. That feels real.
Derek know about Melly and Alfie being together. And he's more just concerned because he knows what this life has been like. If she has to be secretive about it, how difficult it is to keep that secret. Like he's more just worried for her and upset how Vera handled it because she also confesses to like yelling at him to Alfie.
That part made me go, oh, my god. Yeah. I mean, there was a part that made you kind of tear up. That was it. That was it, of like that parental care. Yeah.
That was hard because everyone, you see how flawed they all are. And they are trying to do their best. And they don't always get it right.
Yeah. So Alfie's like, don't follow me. And the dad's kind of in her note. And he's like, I'll respect her wishes. But the mom doesn't. Oh, wait, before that, she meets up with Alduin one last time.
Oh, yes. Yes.
And so she goes there. She talks to his bodyguard outside of the place. And then between, there's kind of like a flashback with her in the bodyguard scene and the actual scene that's happening in the tent because the bodyguard eventually ends up like joining them in the bedroom. Yes. She's like trying to help fulfill Alduin's like kinks and fantasies by bringing in the bodyguard. Because this is his first time with a man. Yes. So before the bodyguards, Vera would put on a strap-on. But this is his first time with a man. And then he seems to enjoy her being there as well, watching it, which I thought was great.
Yeah, what did he say? He's like, I have such a long life. He was just like, I'll live for so long.
Maybe next century, I'll try having sex with a man or something. I'll get around to it, perspective. When I go to college, when I'm 300, I'll try. I'll experiment. Yeah, that's like the equivalent of like, yeah, I guess in college, I'll start doing this for.
And I thought this was a pretty hot sex scene. Yeah, I liked the other one better. But I thought this was good. Between Mellie and Vera. That one was just like pure, like two friends. And I like the romance aspect of that, even though this is also special in its own way.
I wonder what your test results will say. We took a kink test. Yes, we did take a kink test, a BDSM test, which we will share the results. The results are in.
The electoral college voted. I am 95% East Asian. Wow, 95. That's the five.
I think the moment in this scene I liked the most was when it was like, someone was getting sucked off, and then like from behind somebody's getting that. I like that, like a needing out, and then that person's getting something. And then these two can see each other. And it just is nice. There was a lot of that in this latter half. There was. Yes, a nice little group of friends.
So the big plot point that happens in this one is Alduin's like, Vera, you can come with me. I want you to come with me when the caravan leaves tonight. You can leave all this behind. And Vera's in a position where she's like, well, my husband, you know, we don't get along. My daughter's, you know, who knows where. And he wants to hire her to be his personal leather maker.
Yes. To just make toys, sex toys on retainer, which is pretty cool. Yeah. Damn. So you usually think of one like, oh, it'd be fun if it was like a strap-on like this.
And then you have someone just make it, like an in-home chef. Yeah, it's like a personal chef. It's actually not unlike a personal chef. On a Marry's Cool Center. A personal chef, but for toys.
It's weird that she always has to like, use them with him, though. I feel like that is very like, you'll travel with me, and I'm like, I don't know. I think she's like finding herself with him, but she should take that to someone else.
Yeah. It's a stop number one.
It's too much of a combination of a business transaction for what she seems to want. Yeah, with her baggage of being called a whore. I'm like, she doesn't need to actually continue. I wrote that down too, just how many times people question or refer to themselves as pervert, and perversions, and how much it's like, it's like, well, no one else. It's kind of like a group, like the caravan is almost like a group of social outcasts in a way, or people who aren't feeling like they're fitting into their society, so they all kind of go there. And then, yeah, their desires are always meant to feel like freakish, or, yeah. And even Vera, she feels like it's freakish, and needs to kind of justify it a little bit with a financial transaction of some sort. She's always like, I want to work with my, I want to be a good worker, or whatever. So even when she's exploring her sexuality, she has to be a good worker and provide the tools, kind of.
Totally. She's constantly going, like perversion, like deviant, there's always, like if it was a work title, or use words, like that's like the biggest one. Yeah, deviant. Yes.
We have, so then Vera realizes that Alfie is not at her grandfather's. She doesn't accept the deal. So she found out that Alfie's not there, and she's like, I have to go find my daughter. She's not like me, she won't be able to survive out there on her own, kind of thing.
Right, and the dad's like, I mean, just, I guess she's on her own. Yeah, yeah, which I'm like, all right. I get that he's being supportive, but I'm like, you could care like a slight bit more than if you don't know where she is. Oh, I guess she's gone. Vera, be chill, be smarter. Like me, who's never around. So now we're on chapter eight. It is one month later, and we see Alfie and Marco, who was the human that she met, and I think lost her virginity too.
And now they're boning in some tavern. They're having a blast. They're boning in bed. Yeah, they keep talking about the bed. They're like, wow, a bed.
Which I guess is true if you've only had sex like on the ground forever. It's like, whoa. This is great. It's like in a Claritin commercial when they peel off the filter, you're like, oh.
I feel like a lot of people's first experiences were in cars and sneakily, whatever, but I just, I was much older. I wasn't 16. Mine was on the bed. I was like, yeah, I was in a fucking bed with my girlfriend. I can imagine growing up in a city and doing all that on the trip.
You have no privacy. Sex in a public pool at night that you snuck into.
I'm like, that sounds cool. Me? Yeah, you look like you liked it.
No, I did it on the train once coming back from New York to Pennsylvania. No, I mean, I've had public honey. But that wasn't the virginity loss.
No, I just had in my dorm room on an extra long cot. A cot? What are you, a king? What would you call those? I wouldn't call those beds. The mattresses are like this thick.
I dated a guy once. He was one of those guys that likes to be like, yeah, I did this, so what? He talked about having sex in an elevator once and I was like, in a parking garage elevator. And I was like, how many floors was it? Because I guess it just seems like there's only three floors. Like, how long? I came into it.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, exactly. That sounds sad.
I prematurely ejaculated in a parking garage elevator. Do you want to go out sometime? It was so weird, it was his opener. No. I think jerking off is nice for the elevator.
You know, like fingering. Full penetration for an escalator. Skewing. No, nothing on the escalator. You know when you're in the Guggenheim and it's like a big, long, girly hallway. Now that's for anal. That's for anal. Escalators are too dangerous. People get stuck in the little teeth of it. Yeah, if you've got long pants on. Don't have sex on an escalator.
Or with long pants. Or big, long shoelaces. Or with big, long pants.
It's a clean alley. So Alfie and Marco are doing it. Alfie looks out the window and at first she's a little nervous because she's like, oh wait, I wasn't even thinking maybe people are looking.
And then she sees someone as looking and it's Miss Lydia from the caravan. Of the whole book, Lydia. Lydia, our big, strong, tough Lydia.
And she's loving what she's seeing. She rips her top open and shows her titties. And guess what? What color were her nipples?
I didn't even pay attention. Shame on me.
They were light. They were like here. They were like the color of her skin. I was like, interesting. We talked about this episode one.
You were like, they better be dark. I was like, they better be dark.
And they're not. And this is the first section that has been in color. Everything we read before that was black and white. And unfortunately, spoiler alert, I know we only read a chapter 10.
There is another person of color. It seems like the people with the tails. Also light nipples when they hook up. They're supposed to be kind of Native American.
Interesting. But I did like that they had tiny boobies. Oh, a new body style. Yeah, I loved that. I was super into it.
Everyone still looks super thin and ripped. I mean, what are you going to do?
It is crazy that Alfie's boobs are truly as long as her legs. Those cells where you only see her small legs.
I'm like, this is so funny. Well, they're like footballs. They are, yes.
Is that typical in halfling culture? Halfling cultures, yes.
Women are almost 60% boobs. I understand, yeah. And the other part, dog. The other part, the dog from Taco Bell. 40% dogs and 60% boobs.
Whoa, wee, whoa. Think about your back. So Alfie starts to write a journal.
Oh, wait, she's not on the caravan yet. So she's kind of Marco is a bit too clingy with her. And she's just feeling like she wants to do her own thing most of the time. And he's following her around. And now Lydia, after that incident, is following her around. She comes super hard when she sees Lydia outside.
That's the part, because she's like having sex with him. And it's like kind of not working. She's trying to be dominant. He's saying some dumb shit. Yeah, and her mind was literally like, you think it's funny that I'm like smart and have power right now. She's so over it. And then they're still having sex. And she looks out the window and sees Lydia and is like, no. You know, it's like, oh. And that happens earlier, right? She's having sex with him. And she thinks of Mellie and comes super hard.
Here's the thing, too, that I appreciated. The sex noises felt very real. Like, I knew exactly. Even if you were to, here's what I'll venture to say. I'm going to make a bold Raph-style claim. If you took the images away and were like, this is a sex scene. I think it could tell which are the parts of, this person's coming. Like the A-N-H noise. I'm like, ah, she's receiving oral.
Sex minus sex. Veronica minus sex.
I was browsing, so it was hard for me. Because I would look and be like, wait, they already came? Where was that panel? And we'd go back and it was just like, hurrung!
Yeah. And I was like, oh, OK. Which I thought was like, correct. But I do think you're right.
Because the panel, they would have a hurrung or an arc. But then they would have a ha ha.
And I was like, that's so sweet. That's so cute to come and be like, ha ha ha. Like, that was fun. Or I don't know. That was fun. Yeah.
Hee hee hee. I always do that after I come. I go, hee hee hee. I love how sweaty and like, messed up they are.
You'll never catch me.
No, you were saying she's sex dizzy. I fucked dizzy is what you call this. She got fucked dizzy. Fuck dizzy. Yeah. I fucked her dizzy.
Wow. Is what I said. That's something Jess is always saying around the office. Yeah.
I fucked her. Well, like, how was your weekend? Me and Kate hung out last night, I fucked her dizzy. Which is interesting. Because it could be an adjective or it could be a noun. Like, I fucked her dizzy. Or, I fucked her dizzy.
That's cool. That's what I call it. I call it a doozy. I call it a fucking dizzy. Oh my god.
Because it makes my head spin. Because it's so confusing. I don't know why. I don't get it.
Oh, yeah. Weren't you saying there were like birds swarming around her head? Yay. Oh, yes. Property protected cartoon birds. Just thinking of a really specific yellow canary. One that's like, in it deep with a cat. Yeah. I thought I saw a pussy.
A real will-they-won't-they. So they come down from the tavern. The caravan's about to leave again.
It's going for this place called Red Ford, where these people who live called the Vo-ch-cari? Does that? Vo-car?
I am just a halfling expert. Yeah. So I only know about dogs. I don't want dogs. And we meet one very important Vo-car. Oh.
Os-key? Os-ka? Yeah, Os-key. Os-key is what I was calling her. OK, let's go with Os-key. So Os-key is this tall, beautiful drink of water.
I was instantly into her. She's so hot. Yeah, she's hot. She's gorgeous.
She's like a, what are they, kind of like elves? I think so. Tall, els with tails.
And she has a septum piercing? Or a nipple piercing. Oh, she had a lip thing. Lip piercing.
Yeah. Yes. Comes into play later. I got it. I'm telling you, you got to finish this book. Oh.
We didn't make it that far. Might read more on my own, honestly. It's pretty cool. Ellie read ahead. Only two more chapters. I was going to wait until there were like three more. I don't know how long that would take. And then I was like, oh, we could do it again. It would take a while. It's still going.
It's like they add more and more pages. That makes a lot of sense. I really appreciated the notes from the author in between that was like, mental health break. And I'm like, fucking, I've been at this for too long. It was just like, amen. That feels real. I love this author.
In case we love you. It's not Buttsminny. That's a website. That's just a website. We don't know what the relationship is. Interesting. Yeah. Is it like a circle? Maybe that's in case it's real name.
I googled who is Buttsminny a lot during this. And was like, I got to find them. No, I didn't find shit. So now that makes a lot of sense.
Who is Butts? Who is Crunchyroll?
And Alfie sees Osgi. And she's just like, instantly into her. She's like, hubba hubba. Which anyone would be. I mean, truly, go to chapter, what was this, chapter eight, and just check her out. She's gorgeous. So what happens? Oh, so the caravan gets going, and Vera shows up to town. She just missed Alfie. She's in the tavern at the bar.
She's like, I got to find my daughter. I got to find my daughter.
And someone who's there is like, oh, that dude's a guy. I'd ask him, and he'll take you. And so we see this very burly, drunk man with a big beard. And you're like, damn, these two are going to do it for sure. For sure.
And then this guy reminded me of the character from Pirates of the Caribbean, the portly guy. Jack Sparrow? Not Jack Sparrow. The portly guy who was. Davy Jones?
The guy with the squid face? The guy with the squid face, yeah.
He's like the guy who's the drunk, but then Jack Sparrow finds him. And he's like, you got to help me with the ship and stuff. And he's like, super drunk.
I don't honestly remember.
The monkey? The monkey. Yes, the monkey.
I know what you're saying, though. Orlando Bloom, the actor, not the character.
And she gets this guy. They have a witty back and forth. But in the end, she gets him to take her as her guide. There is a funny moment where he's giving her the goat that she's going to be riding. And she names the goat Alduin. So she's like, even his little master right now.
Also, when he wakes up in the morning, because he's like super drunk when they first meet, and he's like, oh, yeah, I guess so. And then in the morning, he's like, he shaves.
And he's almost a completely different looking character. I didn't know it was the same guy. Absolutely a different person.
Yeah. Absolutely. She's just like, who are you?
And he's like, oh, I'm that mess drunk from. I love a good sober makeover. A good bad first impression. I love that shit.
They hate each other. And then, oops, you were wrong about me.
I went back, and I had to look at him again. I'd be like, I guess I can kind of see the facial structures. I had to do that a few times for people, because a lot of people look a little similar. Oh, yeah.
I once pulled up to a date, and the girl got off of a really cool motorcycle. And I got out of an Uber pool. And it was very obvious that it was an Uber pool, because it was packed.
Yeah, and people had to get up to let me out. One moment. And I was just like, will I live this down? And I did. So I like a bad first impression to come back from. Because I could only go up. It's only up from here. And now let me order a daiquiri. So then we jump back to Alfie on the caravan. And I like this part, too.
She was writing in a journal, as opposed to everything being conversational that we find out info. And she's saying that Lydia keeps hitting on her after the incident. And Alfie's like, I think she's hot, but not totally into it. She's like, you're kind of coming on a little too strong. But somehow, in one of those magical threesome ways, they find their way into a fancy tent one night altogether. And everyone can kind of feel like something's about to go down, but no one's starting to initiate it. And Marco and Lydia have this long relationship as friends. Yeah, like kind of frenemies that kind of brag on each other a lot.
And Lydia's thing is just like, I'm into women. I've always been into women, never into men.
There's a flashback later on that shows her like, oh, well, maybe you just haven't met the right man yet. And she's like, no, I absolutely know who I am. Yeah, and she was like, maybe you haven't met the right woman yet. And the woman was like, scandalized.
I love that part. I love that response.
They had that backstory where they were supposed to protect someone's store while the man was gone. Yes, and then they double-team this woman who's so into it. And while they were having sex, the store got robbed. So they're like, OK, well, I guess we have to steal what's left to get payment for this. Oh my god.
And then they were like, we shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have done that.
Marco, I've been mean to. And Lydia was like, hell yeah, we did it. So these guys, yeah, they kind of bring up that past moment, which is even planning the seed more, that they're about to do that. And then Lydia kind of has her way with Alfie at first. But she's like coaxing or like being mean to Marco the whole time about it, which was a little odd.
This was my least favorite sex scene. I agree because, one, I didn't like that it seemed that Marco was either Marco be in it or I don't really care about him watching so much. I don't know. I guess for such a scene that's with this woman who's very like, I'm into women and not into men, it felt weird to have this be the scene that's like, a man's watching or whatever. And then also, I didn't like whatever.
It felt a little predatory at times because it did feel like she was bullying Alfie at some certain moment. Kind of bullying everybody. Yeah. Which I didn't like or because I was like, don't make the one openly comfortable lesbian character predatory. Exactly. Very aggressive.
And only woman of color and the only woman that doesn't shave her armpit, like every, every, every thing.
I went back and forth with it because then later it's discovered that she has feelings for Marco and she's never had feelings for a man before. And she kind of accepts like, well, I am into it. I guess she feels like if I feel that way, then maybe everybody else was right about all the other stuff. And she feels like she's losing her identity a bit. I don't know. I went back and forth like, maybe she's having a hard time with things.
There were a couple back to backs that bothered me. So it was one, Marco was like the total focus of her in the initial hookup. And even he said, why do you keep referencing everything to me? Pay attention to Alfie. In a movie when someone kisses someone's girlfriend and looks at them, it's like, she's just like a prop. But then Marco also said, and I wrote this one down.
It was insane. She's a beast with no notion of restraint or civility. About Lydia.
I'm like, what? Like you blue eyed?
Get the fuck out of here. And civility, uh-uh, coded. Yeah, exactly. Bye.
Yeah, the down point of everything that we read. I think that was the. He also said, that doesn't count when she was like fingering her. Which was so like male, you know, fragility. Like penetrative forward. Yeah, it's just like, if it's not a dick, it doesn't count. All right, everyone?
Listen, Lydia is hot as hell. That sex could have been so good. Yeah, a waste of how awesome she is. What did you think of Lydia's like straight haired vagina?
Was that shocking to anyone? That was weird. Everyone did tell me. I didn't even notice you didn't have.
I think this person is like very white, right? In case? I think they're just like, I'm sure it's this. And it's like, I don't know. Listen, straight pubes, a discussion, colon, a discussion. How common is this? Break his thesis.
Who has it? Who wants it? Who needs it?
I feel like it is not common in my field research. OK, so we have some experts here. I guess that should have been my expertise, right?
Pubes in the wild. I just think like this texture for pubes, not common. There's few pubes that I've seen that are straight. I think the wiry. Including my own. I have curly pubes. I'll go on the record and say I have straight pubes.
Thank you, Tao. This is normal to me, all normal to me. This genographer just wrote that down. And you know what? As a true wow moment for me, Ally, you've just presented this.
As someone with curly everything, I'm just so used to seeing straight that I didn't even, it didn't occur to me. This could have been a beautiful moment for curly haired women everywhere. And curly everywhere women.
Yes. She was very trimmed too. The only thing straight, my arm hairs. OK, that's straight. But everything else? Curly, honey. And look at this cell again, because it's straight and short.
Why is she trimming her pubes? She's trimming her pubes.
But not shaving her armpits. I want us the freedom to do whatever the fuck they want. Maybe she doesn't like a full bush, but she doesn't mind armpits. It doesn't matter, but I'm just saying.
Especially on a caravan, when do you have the time? What do you have? And where does the pube go? When do you have the privacy?
I go two days and it's a mess. Or two swords. Or one on a caravan.
If she's trimming her pubes with a sword, that is a missing panel. We need that panel. The lost panel. In case she's adding a lot of world buildings, they should add this in there too.
I think so too. What's happening? Yes, you know like when people take a sword and they cut off the top of a champagne bottle? You know when people do that. So that happens.
The caravan keeps moving. We finally get to the red ford.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. My favorite part of Lydia's first straight opposite gender experience was that she slaps him and yells, thanks, bitch. Yeah, I liked that too. I did write that down. I slightly felt like, you know sometimes when you're watching an anime and something might just not have translated in the original or whatever, and they do something like, why the fuck did that just happen? That was one of those ones. Did I?
Well, they were wrestling before that too, like who's going to be on top. It was such like, who has the power here? I feel like wrestling is queer foreplay, no matter what. It's always like, oh my god, should we wrestle? And it's like, yes.
But yeah, and she hates the taste of sismilcom.
I thought that was really interesting. But it was kind of like, I mean, I'm down for her being a bi character. But then I'm like, then where is maybe a more gay character? When we have such limited visibility. Yes, with such limited visibility and with so many people that are questioning the morality of queerness, it feels a little strange to have the one character that is like, I have always known who I am. I get the value of adding complexity and nuance to even a character who is assured of herself to be like, maybe I'm not so sure. It seems a little strange to make that in her sexuality.
Maybe it's just Derek, the father. Yeah, is the only open. Oh, true. But even then, he's not open, right? Because he's still married.
Yeah, Lydia was such a loud, out and proud character. I mean, I do like that it shows that she can say, I know who I am, no to this, and then make it on her own terms when she decides, oh, I'm gay. I can have sex with men and still be gay. Yeah, true. And he's so pretty. She's picking just this pretty little waif to have sex. At one point, they shave his butt, and she's like, ooh, I like that. Yes, I remember that.
It's his little butt. His little clean butt. Clean butt.
So they make it to where the Vakkari, Vakkar, live. And there's this bridge, and Alfie and Marco are looking over the bridge. And this creature's down there. And they're like, what the fuck is that? And before they know it, Alfie's being pulled down by this creature.
And then there's a really cool action scene. I liked this fight sequence a lot. And they're able to, they're trying to fight it off.
Nothing's working. And then Osgi is like, you got to shoot it in its mouth hole.
She's from Long Island. Yeah. I'm a Long Island elf.
And he shoot it in its mouth hole. Big, big glass of wine in her hand. So Marco shoots it. And then it was a very big, dangerous creature.
So then when they meet the Vakkari later, they're like, you guys are going to be inducted tonight at our ceremony as warriors. You're still humans. You're not as good and tough as us. Because they're like a tough people who are known for conquering different lands. They don't like building walls. They're just like being able to go wherever they want and take whatever they want. And you're going to have a party with us tonight is kind of how they're introduced.
And she was such a babe. I wrote the babe of all babes. She was gorgeous. Queen babe.
And fully naked. And fully, I mean, my jaw dropped. I was like, they all just chill out naked all day long.
And they're so fucking hot. This actually makes really a ton of sense with your kink prize results, Jess.
I was like, this is my house. I love it here. This is my house.
These vakari are like, because a monster was killed and a new warrior is being anointed with Lydia and Margot, there's an orgy fuck fest in there. Yes. In the Red Fort. My favorite part, my favorite sell so far has been when that Puritan woman is yelling at Augie.
And she's like, even though you wear pants. Because no one else of that brother wears naked. I still hate you even though you wear pants. Even though you wear pants.
Augie left these people because she wasn't feeling like she quite fit in. We find out they kind of have families, but the families are really groups of people who are all married to one another. And then on this special night that we're there, they get to go outside of those marriages and be with other families. And so they kind of all, there's like somewhat of tribes together, but then they also can all do each other sometimes too. Yeah, Augie is really monogamous.
We find out. She's like, I just want to be with one person. And then throughout the caravan, we see scenes of her and Alfie just, it's so fucking cute. They're just like hanging out, showing each other big weird bugs. Alfie's so interested in her culture. She's like in all new culture and is like, tell me everything about that. Like, oh, this is so sweet. They want to learn about each other. Yeah, it's not like, oh, you're just so hot.
Let's go fuck in the woods. Like, they never have sex, at least in the chapters that I've read. And up until this part. Well, it's a slow build, at least.
And they're getting to know each other in like the best way. They're like, oh, yeah. Oh, they're so cute. I love them.
Oh, so then with this Gavni, we find out that she is kind of into Augie. And she's like, I want you to come back. I want you to be a part of my family. And Augie's like, no, I'm just doing my own thing. They get into like a bit of a fight. And it's very clear there's like jealousy there. So at this big ceremony where the two humans, Lydia and Marco, are being anointed, last minute, Augie's like, oh, no. These people stole from us. And we find out she's referring to Augie.
And they're no good. Go put them in my chambers. And so they're put into the chambers.
They know that they can't fight their way out. And they're like, well, these people are fighting and fucking. So let's fuck our way out of this one. Yeah, we're really good at fighting, and we're really good at fucking.
Yeah, and then just a giant orgy begins. And everyone everywhere in this town is doing it. This scene was very long.
I was finishing reading it right before this like, when does the sex end? There's a certain point where I'm like, ooh, this is hot. And then you're like, you've reached kind of like the tipping point. You're like, phew, OK. It is a bit of overkill, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I did like that Marco was like just eating everybody's pussy. Just another person would line up and then just going to town. Well, it was fun to see, I think, what my theory of Lydia is, is that she skews lesbian but would love to be in a more dominant relationship with a man. Because she lit up.
He was like, hey, if you just play nice and get us through this, you can do anything within reason to me, which is an absolute log line of being a dominant. Anything within reason to me, you can do.
And then she was just like, thank you so much. She completely changed. So it was just like, oh.
She got slapped with a dick. She did get slapped with a dick, yeah.
And then I liked the scene too. There was a moment where Marco was with someone there who had a penis. And they were like rubbing the penises at the same time. And then he wanted to have sex with Marco. They wanted to have sex with Marco. And Marco was at first like, no way, no way.
I don't do that. But then ended up chilling out and trying it out because of that. Saying like, oh, if you do this now. Because it's supposed to be like a diplomatic mission or something. So they're like, well, if you do it, I'll let you do it ever later.
Damn, the UN's really working hard for us. Yeah, the UN is going in.
That's all they do. But throughout all this, Osgi and Alfie are kind of away from the whole situation. And they're just hanging out. Osgi's like, I wish I could just leave here and go with you for the rest of your travels. But my people get killed if they go different places. And oh, we also forgot.
Alduin saw Alfie, was like, oh, I think I know who you are. Oh, that's your last name. I know your mom. Alfie is completely surprised. Like, how would you know my mom? Yeah, yeah.
She knows that they did work together. Doesn't know that they were working it together.
And then Alduin asked her to make like a strap-on. Harness, yeah.
I know what this is. And he was like, not many people know what this is. Could you tell what? If you look at it, you're like, I think I know. I think anyone saw it. Oh, it's a dick. I'll probably guess.
This is a strap-on, yeah. And so Alfie at first says no to him about that. But then is like, if Osgi can come with us and be my bodyguard, then I'll make you as many strap-ons as you want. My bodyguard. I need this person close at all times. He's a strong person. I could be a chip. Oh, no. It did make me think of, yeah, Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner.
A classic. A real classic.
And that is where chapter 10 leaves us off. That was everything.
There's one moment with Lydia that was interesting to me was that Lydia's not even her name. What's her name? Alduin is like, when Lydia and Mark are like, fight the monster, Alduin's like, really impressed. And Alduin's like, never really talked to him. She's like, what's your name? She's like, Lira, Lara, something. And then Lydia goes, Lydia's fine. That's an interesting person of color moment.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't just call me. It's Shankar. It's Rika, yeah, sure. That's interesting. I didn't even clock that. Wow. Cool.
So we did take a BDSM test, because especially in this chapter, even more so than the beginning ones, there was a ton of BDSM happening. And we were wondering what ours would be. I've got the options all right here. So this was a test to determine a dominant submissive, sadist, masochist, a rope bunny versus a rigger, a master or mistress versus a slave, a degrader versus a degrady, an owner or a pet, a brat or a brat tamer. I like that. A hunter or a prey, a daddy, mommy, boy, girl, age player, exhibitionist, voyeur, experimentalist, non-monogamous, or switch. This was a long test.
I'll share mine first, because I told them mine beforehand. And then we're going to guess everyone else's. We can't guess mine, because I blew it. But I got 94% non-monogamous, 89% vanilla.
It was such a funny combination. It was so funny.
Jess wants the most amount of people in the most neutral way possible. Yeah, totally. It sounds so perfect to me. I just want to smooch a bunch of people. I really do think that is perfect, Ruthie. You want your glass of wine and a naked house. Yes. That's exactly what I want, just everyone naked when I come home.
What are we watching? We're watching Real Housewives.
We're going to do a blow job between commercials, then we'll go to bed. Where's my blanket? And then we all go to sleep.
Oh my god. Everyone have a 20 minute orgy.
OK, who's are we doing first? Who are we guessing? We can do me. OK. Wait, do you want to, we'll all give ours to you, and you just guess the top. You tell us the top rating, and we guess who's top. Wait, so give me Tao's first, because we said Tao's first. Give me your phone.
OK. So what is Tao's number one? Hm. Can I give you the percentages, I guess? OK. 75%. OK. That's the highest one. 90. Oh my god.
I didn't mean that. Jess, there's barely any human left today. It's all non-monogamy.
Versus dog.
I think it would be funny if it was, let's see, voyeur. Voyeur is?
OK. Is it correct? No. It's in the top five, voyeur. So that was a good guess. Are you experimentalist? No. Or primal? No. Oh, Rekha.
You don't know Tao. Oh my god, Tao. Oh wait, no, Tao.
Primal is in the top five. OK, see, I do know you a little. OK, rope bunny, I want to say no. It's not as low as you think. Woo! You know rope bunny.
Brat tamer. Brat's not as low as you think either. Rope bunny and brat are close.
59% and 56%. All right, what's the top? The top is dominant. Oh!
What's number two?
Switch. What is switch? I think it's switching between, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we have rigger, which I don't know what that is. That's the ropes person. So that's to the rope bunny.
OK. And then voyeur is 60%. Oh! A hole in the wall. Yes! Woo!
I know this is a hole in the wall place. I know a little hole in the wall in a restaurant. There's a hole in the wall that I can look through.
You can get in a restaurant? Rig, are you next? We're walking in the restaurant. Yeah. A hole in the wall restaurant.
Oh, I see. Great. Uh-oh, what is rigger? OK, but I know that mine was entirely accurate. And I also realized I answered one of the questions I asked you guys about wrong, which did lead to one of those percentages. Oh, I can't wait. OK, so you are?
The percentage is 86%. Age player. Age player is on there for sure. No, that's 3%.
Very low. You're in the red. God damn it. Let's see. Mistress. What? That's zero? Damn it.
What if I ended up in Europe? I don't know you at all.
Primal? Primal. Oh, guys. Primal is in the top five. At 31%, it is the bottom of the top five.
No. Dominant. No. Honey. Degrader.
Experimentals? What is experimentalist? Experimentalist is 58. I think that you'll just try anything. You're out to try things. Exhibitionist.
No. Vanilla? What the fuck? Vanilla? Why is it? No way. Vanilla is your number one?
Because she loves baking. She loves baking.
The two vanillas. Chocolate, number two. That was the podcast on nugget for you two? 76 was boy girl. Oh, cute.
That didn't feel totally accurate to me. Because I feel like when I watch porn, I watch way more female porn. And then this is the one that I felt like I answered the wrong thing and then got.
Daddy mommy. I answered the coloring book question. You know boy girl doesn't mean boy with girl. It means it's the opposite of daddy mommy. So you like being the young one versus the daddy mommy.
Got it. OK, fair. That feels OK. OK, cool. Got it. Great. All right.
Get ready, baby. Get ready.
Oh, Ellie has a lot of green.
OK, what's the top grade than everyone else? 100%. 100%.
The 98, 89, 86, 75. I'm going to go dominant. Oh, good guess. We're not even in the top 10, I don't think. But it has 56.
Submissive? No, you are incorrect. Experimentalist? Let me see.
Yes, 67%. But that's still not even the top five. OK. Oh, submissive, I'm sorry, was 64%. So it is in the top 10. OK. Primal is in the top five.
Both hunter and prey. What's the difference there? I think it's like you want to be hunted or be the prey.
I don't know. Daddy, mommy. No, no daddy, mommy. Master mistress? No, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, Tao, do you even know me? Actually, no. No.
I would say you actually have to be the top 10. Please strike me as halfway dog of us. It's true, it's absolutely true.
Switch? A switcher? Nintendo Switch? 100% Nintendo Switch. 100% Switch, bitches.
Actually, that checks. Because I heard you talk about one of the exciting things about being in queer relationships, it's like, who's what? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's always different. Well, that explains the hunter-prey, too. Yeah, I went switch, and then hunter, and then prey.
I peaked. There's also rigger and rope bunny, voyeur, and pez. Excuse me. Aw, yay.
I'll watch your pet anytime. That was so fun. And Tao will watch you watching this. He'll watch you watching this.
Should we grade Alfie real quick? Yes.
Rope bunny. One to five. Rope bunny.
I'm going to give it four and a half again. I think I gave it that last time.
I think that first scene with Mellie and Alfie was so hot. That was a great scene. It was hot. Oh, we didn't even talk about the giants having sex, either. That was wild. That was almost. That was like almost animal. The one I had giants.
I clicked through it. I don't really know what happened. It was just more like, whoa. Yeah. Watch it. It was a bit of nature documentary. Yeah. Kind of a.
It'd be perfect if I was a cyclops, because then I could be a voyeur with just my one eye. It was weird, and that's a horrible stereotype. That's my one big eye. You'd have no depth perception.
That's pretty important. I'm going to give this one a 4.75. I thought it was so great, especially the beginning and the end. That one little mishap in the middle stopped it from being pure perfection. Maybe I would knock mine to a four for that. Yeah. Which part in the middle? Just the Lydia scene that they kind of bought. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Well, I'll give it a five. I mean, it's truly so much more. That's of anything that we've read, especially that second half. People were right. It really did pick up. It was awesome.
The image of Vera's and Derek's wedding. I took a screenshot, just because I was like, this is an amazing looking panel. Or just by the bonfire, even in the black and white, to have the light shown off things. It's just beautifully made.
I liked when someone tattooed Lydia's boob. Oh, I liked that too. And I like whenever Lydia came, it was like red energy shot out of her. I liked all the wetness. Like how it was shown, like moved around.
But the one thing I was like, no one's nose is wet. This person clearly has never eaten pussy in their life. Although their makeup always got fucked up, which I did like the come of life. I'm having a bit of translucent powder on my nose.
Yeah. I didn't see you. Excuse me. What about you, Ally?
A five. Five? Five over here, honey.
I thought it was great. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Oh, the book for next week, our next week's assignment is Backstage Pleasures, First Tour, Fresh Desires by Tanya Cult. You can find that on Amazon. Thank you so much for being here. Have a sexy week, everybody. Thank you.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Let me tuck you into bed. And I'm like, oh, God, yes. So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, like I am available. You know, you get like 125, I can get 125. I don't know, it's just an idea. |
cracked | 3_ridiculous_movie_schemes_that_make_no_sense_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, my name is Daniel Woah Brian and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that, a show that if it had t-shirts would you buy one? Would you buy and wear a shirt that said Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder on it in a cool way? Would you buy that? I've made these videos for like five years and they're only going to keep making them if they turn a profit. So like, t-shirts? Is that a dumb idea?
Gut says yes. Anyway, today's episode uncovers. Hey, looks like someone crunched the numbers and found out that videos with bizarrely specific in the title did better on average than other videos, so let's dig in.
Movies with plans or schemes have a hard task in front of them. On the one hand, they need to set up the scheme, Oceans 11 style, to inform the audience what every character is supposed to be doing to pull off their heist. On the other hand, they need to throw in a few false positives, red herrings and misdirection so the audience can still be surprised and satisfied by the end. In rehearsal, Oceans 11 will show the audience every step of their plan in advance. Except the part of the plan where Carl Reiner believably fakes a heart problem If they're the one that got a bogey in West Corridor Just call a doctor!
Or when George Clooney gets detained Do you have a hand in this? Did I have my hand in what?
They build a realistic plan and then throw most of it out to make it frog shit impossible to follow in the interest of surprising the audience. Man, movies do so much to surprise and please me and all I do is tell them they're wrong. Do you think I'm the abusive one in this relationship? Anyway, here are some bizarrely specific movie plans that shouldn't have worked.
At the end of Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite and sent a job at the hut as a trophy slash prisoner. I mean, it's not a trophy in the way that a standard deer head is a trophy because a deer is dead and Han's still alive. I mean, it's not a prisoner in the way that a standard prisoner is a prisoner because you can't like torture or gloat at or rehabilitate or otherwise interact with frozen Han. Essentially all you're doing is preserving Han with no overhead cost so Han could theoretically live in suspended carbonite for a hundred years.
He can outlive you, Jabba, but let's ignore that for this episode and definitely make sure we include it in a future episode. So Han's trapped in a thing and literally all of his buddies have come to help him out in one of the most famous rescue missions ever filmed. Let's really break down what he and all of his buddies are doing for this plan. For this plan to work perfectly, Han needs to get unfrozen, recaptured and then positioned right in front of a gigantic monster pit made of eating. His robot friends needed to at one point show up and pose as service droids for Jabba. R2-D2 has loose lightsaber in his belly. That's important. His on-again, off-again princess girlfriend, the one who freed him from carbonite and also murdered Jabba, needed to first show up as a dangerous bounty hunter and then she needed to get found out and captured and turned into a slave girl. His closest friend bear, Chewie, needed to pretend to be a prisoner of that bounty hunter. His new little buddy Luke needed to show up, use magic, get captured and when the magic failed, get thrown into a pit with a monster, kill the monster and then get re-imprisoned so that he too could be placed in front of a gigantic monster pit made of eating. At some point his buddy, Lando, gets a security job at Jabba's palace and ends up pulling guard duty when all the big stuff goes down. It all mattered.
R2-D2, Lando, Luke, Leia and Chewie were all instrumental in Han's dramatic escape, but why? And how could a well-executed plan involve Luke getting captured twice? Leia strangled Jabba to death, but they ended up blowing up his palace, meaning he would have died anyway, meaning what the f**k was she even doing there? Was her role just unfreeze Han? Because if so, get someone else for that step of the plan. Because if the plan just ended up involving cool lightsaber magic, did we need actual princess slash general because bikini clad slave briefly as one of the steps? And Lando, how long did he work at Jabba's palace undercover for a plan that is essentially take the thing I want and then blow up everything else? Because remember, their plan ended up being fight everybody who is bad and instead of just having Luke, Lando, Leia and Chewie charge in with all their weapons, they deliberately chose a plan that forced them to disarm and in some cases wear a metal slave bathing suit. And it worked, but like, why? Just stick close to Chewie and Lando.
I'm taking care of everything. Oh, great.
Dark Knight is my third favorite Batman movie after Tim Burton's Batman and you're ready for this Lego Batman movie, Fight Me. It's in my top three because it's fun and good, but mostly because Heath Ledger's Joker is so good and watchable. He's so good and watchable that it actually distracts you from the many ridiculous plot holes in this movie.
Joker gets captured by Batman and the Jim Gordon that everyone thought was dead, but then he escapes prison because he installed a bomb in the belly of a guy he knew was also going to get arrested. And at some point he captured Rachel Dawes and Harvey Dent and stored them in explosive filled warehouses on opposite sides of town. He did this because he wanted to torture Batman. Let him think he caught Joker so he could meanwhile kill Rachel or Harvey.
Didn't seem to matter. Somebody had to die. Probably. Maybe.
I've never coordinated and will never coordinate anything that complex.
Joker, an agent of chaos, a guy who claims to not have a plan, planned enough to know that he was going to be captured and put into prison at the same time that another guy was in prison with a bomb in his gut while Joker's henchmen were making sure that Rachel and Harvey were trapped in their various warehouses. Rachel gets killed, Harvey becomes two-faced which motivates the final act of the plot, and Joker ends up escaping to continue the rest of his day. The plan depends on Joker getting caught, meaning it depends on Gordon surprising him by being alive and also relies on the Gotham Police Department having corrupt officers that Joker could coerce and manipulate. What if Joker didn't randomly get caught by a suddenly alive Gordon and a bat motorcycle? What if he successfully rocket launched Batman to death as was his plan? We've just kept living, causing trouble, while Harvey and Rachel blew up affecting no one? We still have done the boat thing? We'll never know because luckily the Joker's plan worked, wherein works means literally a few good people died and Batman was kind of sad for a short amount of time. We know from Dark Knight Rises that Joker's second eventual capture led to an unprecedented period of peace and safety in Gotham until Bane showed up. Like Joker did his thing, which sure killed Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes, but he essentially dissolved the mafia, made Batman irrelevant, and inspired Gordon to retire because there wasn't enough crime in Gotham. Cool plan, you painted up butthole.
Star Wars again? Maybe these movies are bad, okay. The Star Wars preachers aren't known for their anything positive, and sure they're all bad, but the ridiculousness of Emperor Palpatine's career plan gets special distinction for being so specifically bad, like bad noir that takes work, not just lazy bad. The Emperor, aka Darth Sidious, aka Sheev Palpatine. Sheev? Really? Ugh, George, ugh. Anyway, at the start of Phantom Menace, Sheev is leading a double life as both Darth Sidious, the evil Sith Lord, and Sheev Palpatine, the charismatic senator from Naboo, a f***ing mostly water planet I think that seems important for some reason.
He didn't assume someone else's identity, by the way. He's an active senator who is very distinguished and well-liked by his constituents and his fellow senators alike. He has earned the trust of the Queen of Naboo.
He's vocal about how much he loves democracy. I love democracy.
Meanwhile, he's behind the scenes convincing the corrupt trade federation to f***ing invade Naboo or whatever. This leads to chaos, or not chaos, confusing political bureaucracy which Sheev uses to persuade the Senate to get rid of Supreme Chancellor Valorum, and then does anyone like these movies? And then he gets himself appointed Supreme Chancellor, which he accepts humbly and with tremendous regret. In Attack of the Clones, Wikipedia says he exploits constitutional loopholes to remain in office even after the official expiration of his term.
Whew! Does anyone else rock hard over here or what?
While his alter ego Darth Sidious convinces rogue Jedi now Sith, Count Dooku, to convince a bunch of planets to secede from the Republic and form a new confederacy of independent systems. They start building a droid army. Palpatine grants himself emergency powers in addition to his constitutional mind and lightning powers, initiates the creation of a clone army. So the whole galaxy, which was once in near-perfect harmony, is now fighting itself in a droid vs. clone battle that is run on both sides by Palpatine, the guy who wants control but somehow doesn't know he already has it. Palpatine then gets his ass captured by some droid separatists on purpose and has Anakin murder Count Dooku.
Remember him? And so now he has control of the Senate and also I guess runs the separatists? Then they kill all the Jedi, including and especially the babies. And then Sheev Sidious Palpatine reorganizes the universe so that these two opposing factions are now all together. They stop fighting. They go back to how things were like before, only now he's in charge of all of it.
And then he has a Death Star built because like what if some motherf***er ever wants to step to him with an equally convoluted plan. Spoiler alert, the opposition will never have an equally convoluted plan. They have the one plan. It's the blow up the Death Star plan.
That's it. Now, if you're still with us, you like me are confused.
Why would the Emperor manufacture a war that half of him was bound to lose? Why would he want total control over the galaxy if the only thing he seemed to want is the ability to blow up planets with the Death Star? How would he know that the path to owning the galaxy runs through him being the beloved senator of a s*** frog planet in peacetime for years? Remember, the reason the Senate allowed him to get total control over everything means that they trusted him, meaning he did something to distinguish himself and appear to be an incorruptible politician for years. I want to run the galaxy one day which means a lot of great work in the local political sector of a s*** frog planet for like a decade.
Also, his plan relied on Anakin killing a bunch of people to help consolidate his power and wipe out the Jedi competition. Anakin killed Dooku, cut off Mace Windu's arm, and slaughtered a ton of Jedi children.
He was integral to the plan. How could Palpatine have a plan that by design required a magic baby to just appear on his doorstep one day? Setting aside for a moment the fact that the plan makes no sense.
Palpatine, Sidious, Sieve, what are you even in this for? You're a gross pale goblin that everyone hates and now you've got a bunch of clones and robots and huts you don't know what to do with. Are you just sitting around waiting for Jedi to kill? Find a hobby. Look at birds and get good with f***ing knots or something. Write a book about your time in politics, profiles, and Coruscant. I don't give a s***. You built Death Stars to fight the rebellion. The rebellion only exists because you took the entire galaxy, tore it apart, and then rebranded it as the Empire.
Those people were fine. Star Wars movies are like bad. I dated a woman a few years ago who had never seen any of them before and I was like what? Stop. We're watching all of them right now. Like that was the date. We laid down on my couch watching the original trilogy and we finished Empire and she was like should we do the next one now? And I was like actually you can skip it because actually you can skip it. If you think Star Wars is perfect watch it with someone who has never seen it before and try to explain to them why it's perfect and you'll realize it's just mostly like nah but I love it but like I'm so happy it's part of my life and pop culture history but Skywalker and Solo were never cool names. They were busy load-bearing names. Way too on the nose. Can't wait for the standalone solo movie though or the next two in the new trilogy or whatever other Star Wars movies come out from between now and when I die which will be never. I'll see them all. You can skip them.
Anyway that's all for now. Join us next month when our topic will be the show sells a ton of t-shirts so much so that we don't need to do the show anymore. Oh you've put me in quite the difficult position show that seems to know the future. Okay so I need a bunch of you to buy t-shirts and duffel bags and whatever the f*** else we're selling these days but I need some of you to not do that because we need to stay hungry or else we'll get lazy so audience divide yourself in half and half of you buy stuff. For the rest of you next month's episode will be about I don't know flubber. Anyway bye.
Hey thanks for watching that video if you want to subscribe hit that big C in the middle and if you want to watch more videos hit one of the boxes on the right. I can verify that they're all the best. Also don't forget to hit the stupid little bell icon so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video and if you like my autograph just fake it on something no one will know who's gonna know. |
dropout | Why_Musicians_are_Forced_to_Sell_Out | Back when people were buying physical CDs, there was a ton of money to be made for the labels and for the artists. But the rise of streaming services like Spotify, Pandora, and Apple Music have changed the industry. In 2017, music sales revenue was just 60% of what it was in 1999.
I'm super convenient, but I do not pay well. Every time one of their songs is played on Spotify, artists only earn around one tenth of one cent. Cool, that'll cover my rent for the next three seconds. See Jordan, this is why I support our local record store.
Streaming is killing the music industry. Actually, that's not true at all. Streaming may be screwing the artists, but the labels have figured out how to make bank off of it. When early internet services offered illegally downloaded music, everyone took a hit. But then the labels started cutting contracts licensing their entire catalogs for streaming. And streaming is now their biggest source of revenue.
While their profits aren't quite back to what they were in the 90s, they're bouncing back at a rate of $1 billion per year. The only problem? Artists are not getting a fair cut of those deals.
Even Beyonce, one of the biggest musicians in the world, only makes 10% of her money off of music sales. Yeah, but she tours all the time. That's how a real artist makes their living. They're getting out in front of the fans. Actually, unless you're as huge as Beyonce, it's pretty much impossible to make any money off of touring either. The top 40 live acts can make up to 80% of their income from touring, but everyone below the top 40 is lucky if their tours even break even. The tour was a huge success.
Now after we recoup all the production, travel, and crew expenses, you owe the label 20 grand. What? Since it's so hard to make money off of record sales or touring now, many mid-level artists these days can only earn a living by taking endorsement deals or appearance fees.
You guys look great. Now just a few small adjustments. Jessie J has deals with vitamin water. Drink up. Pitbull endorses sheets, energy strips. Say aww.
And tons of artists get paid just to show up at events. And not too much dancing. You need to save your energy for Justin Bieber's cousin's yacht christening. |
dropout | hardly_working_winter_beard | What's going on Owen's in there shaving his winter beard. We're giving him some space, but this is the women's rest Well, buddy we had a good season, but It's getting warm outside. So I guess this is goodbye Yeah, I can last a few more months it'll be invited you come August, but I feel it'll be fine. It'll be fine It's okay, Owen.
Don't be afraid. Who's afraid? I'm not afraid and we knew this day would come. It's a winter beards a lot in life Don't you dare say that to me? Don't you dare be the brave one?
I'm not some young September stubble anymore No, sir, Phillips see beards been around this face once or twice by now And he knows that when the warm breeze of May wafts across your whiskers. It's time to journey on Your name's Phillip Yeah, I guess there's still a lot we don't know about each other I don't know how to live without you You'll remember hurry on now I see the light of providence all the beards that came before me winter 2010 winter And who could forget little scrackles 2008 your time was too short my friend Who are you the chin beard you grew sophomore year remember arguing with your girlfriend that I made you look so metal oh now I do Finish the job on Send me to the mountain top of eternal autumn where beards roam wild and free where the flannel flag Of peaks that have never known summer Untamed beards dip deep into thick savory stews without fear of judgment send me there to rustle among my whiskery ancestors Wait, what my last wish anything old friend, what is it the last wish of all beards? Shave me into a goofy mustache You |
cracked | worst_drinking_game_ever | Chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug chug Yeah! This is not good circuits cause that was... It's vengeance! Justin, how you feeling baby? Um, shit face. You sure, you sure after that. Rusty, it's your game. What's it gonna be?
A little asshole? A little drunk driver?
Actually fellas, I thought that we could uh... mix it up tonight. What the fuck are those? These, my friends, are roofies. No way! Yeah, seriously, I stole a fucking vertoli's room.
Dude, hey! Dude, hey, hey, what are we gonna do with those? Alright, alright, check it out, alright?
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days. And this is what I've come up with.
Roofie roulette. Yeah! What is roofie roulette?
Okay, okay, I just made it up, no problem. Look, I take out one of these little babies, like so. Okay?
I drop it in a beer to close our eyes, right? We shuffle the beers all over the fucking table, so we don't know whose is whose. We drink, loser passes out.
Huh? That's fine, that's fine, that's fine. That's fine, that's fine. Everybody eyes closed, man. Alright. Alright, bitches. Let's fucking do this.
What are you doing? What?
I'm raping Dan. He lost. Dude, nobody said anything about rape. Dude, they're roofies.
It's implied. Dude, dude. Are you gay? Whoa. Hey, no, you guys, no. Justin, when we played asshole earlier, and you were the president, were you the actual president, dude? No. Yeah, bingo! Dude, this is so fucking gross, man. Good game, Pat. Chill out. Go.
You know what, Justin? I think it's Patsy. Huh? I think it's Patricia. What? Hey, I think he's probably got a two car garage. What? You think so?
What?
Yes. Ugh. You know what, Pat? Huh?
I'm going to do you a favor, baby. This one's all yours, baby.
What? No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, no, no, no. Baby, look, look, look, look. You're the pitcher. He's the catcher. Oh, yeah. He's calling for the slider. What?
That's not a... Dude, I can't... Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa. I'm not raping everybody, dude. Hey, if you had gone down, you'd be nuts deep in your sick ass right now. That may be, dude, but I can't what you just...
Okay. No, no, no. That's fine. That's fine.
I told the guys you were too much of a little fag to hang out with us. You did what? Dude, I'm not a fag. Oh? I'm not a fag and I'll prove it.
Yeah, yeah. Fuck. Okay, I'm going to block. I'm going to block. Okay, here it goes. Dude, I can't fuck my best friend in the ass. God damn it. I'm going to pick up the slack.
Mmm.
A neat sofa through your door frame. What? Bitch. Fuck. All right. Want to film my meat sofa? Here it comes. Yes, this was a prank, Pat. You should see your fucking face.
But you fucked Justin and Dan in their assholes. Oh, yeah. I fucked Justin and Dan.
And it was totally worth it. |
dropout | you_re_all_a_bunch_of_phone_zombies_hardly_working | Holy shit, are you guys okay? Yeah, what the hell was that? Let's find out what happened. Oh my god, I'm so happy to see you guys. Katie, you're alive! Yeah, I was so worried that... Have you seen any other survivors? I'm sorry, are all three of you seriously on earphones right now?
We're trying to get help. I'm calling 911, but it's busy. Keep trying, I'm checking Twitter to see if there's any news about what happened. And I'm on Facebook to see if anyone knows what to do.
Make sure you all check in that you're safe. Yeah, good call. Guys, hi. Hello over here. Reminder, there's an actual human being here.
Did anyone even ask if I was okay? Oh my god, is something wrong? Something is wrong. Seriously wrong.
The three of you are prisoners to your phones. Try disconnecting from social media for once. Katie, we're using our phones to help come up with a plan. You know, you don't always have to be tweet replying, face-graming, Twitter booking, and Tinder bumbling. I'm not socializing, we're actually...
What? No, what are you doing?
You know what, you're gonna thank me for this one day. No, I'm getting my phone! No, you're getting my phone!
We have a lot to take care of. Katie, we need to figure out what happened so that we can do something.
Yeah, okay. Mm-hmm. Sure, that's why you're on your phone. Shit, Twitter says that there was some sort of power plant explosion in Hollywood? No.
Stop hitting me. Your hand is aggressive. My parents are in Hollywood. God, I hope I can get through. Maybe like me, your parents are choosing to interact with humans instead of technology. Mom, are you okay? My god, you can't go ten seconds without being on your phone, can you? What is wrong with you? Katie, if you're gonna be like this, just get out of our way. I didn't want to have to bring science into this, but scientists have actually theorized that being on social media makes you less happy. So try being like me for once. Happy. What are you talking about?
You tweet like 30 times a day. And you're constantly posting pictures of what you're eating. And you're the most miserable person that anybody has ever met.
Hang on a second, where is your phone? I don't even know. I never have it on me.
Oh, here it is. Oh, okay. Well, that's it, right? Yeah, that's why. Isn't that it? It did get destroyed in the catastrophe, but it doesn't even matter because I wouldn't be on it anyway. That's why. You're just telling. No, I'm choosing to be offline. Oh, it's such funny.
Oh my god, it turned on. My phone turned on. |
TheOnion | Will_The_Masked_Hero_On_The_Celtics_Ever_Reveal_His_Secret_Identity | Alright, let's get down to the sweaty business at hand. The Celtics have been on fire lately, and everyone is asking just who is the mysterious masked hero leading them and when will he reveal his identity? Is he merely a concerned citizen of Boston? A regular man seeking to restore order to the Celtics while maintaining his anonymity? Or is he something greater? Perhaps a rogue warrior from another franchise? Is it possible this masked defender of the garden is Bill Russell? Just who is this man?
I'm calling on my listeners with any information regarding the identity of this renegade to call into the show. The switchboards are already lighting up, so let's take a call.
Jason, from Boston, you're on the sweat. Hank, I think it's Michael Dukakis. I've seen that guy go into the garden dozens of times, but he's never in the stands. Where could he be going? Think about it. He's got the perfect alter ego. I'm telling you, that's Dukakis out there. Thanks, Jason.
Got a lot more leads I want to chase down. To the masked Celtic, if you're out there, the world wants you to show yourself. Hey, does anybody want to guess what I do during the commercial breaks? That's right, I take some Crestart. Oh, Hank's got to keep those triglyceride counts nice and low to help my ticker. I sit in a chair 15 hours a day. I need all the help I can get.
Anyway, we've got the final NASCAR race of the season this weekend, and I'm convinced that next year we really need to ban Uber drivers from participating. A lot of these guys are just college students trying to make an extra buck or other people who really have no business being commercial drivers. They're usually the most dangerous folks on the track, and there's no regulation of them. They're constantly wreaking havoc.
Gotta go. All right, when we come back, I'll open up about what it was like being raised by a father with a serious dunking problem. |
TheOnion | Report_Baby_Skull_Jewelry_May_Be_Linked_To_Violence | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is wandering along I-97 in a bathrobe with no memory of who he is.
Whether adorning jewelry or serving as home furnishings, baby skulls are one of the most sought-after ornamental items in the United States. But a new report finds as many as 30% of baby skulls are acquired in illegal and sometimes brutal ways. Should the baby skull industry be subject to greater regulation?
Without a doubt.
Well, the skull trade is not without corruption, we all know this. Yes, and Angola, laborers who travel on foot from village to village collecting baby skulls are forced to work 16 hours straight. That's awful. And these skulls pass through so many hands, it's hard to know which ones were harvested illegally and which ones were harvested responsibly, as they have been doing for hundreds of years. It is ironic that something so beautiful could be tied to so much pain and suffering. Yes, but people should not be demonized just for wearing a baby skull. Listen, last month there was a photo spread in Newsweek that ran and showed some of these baby skull harvesters, and they were in very bad shape. Some of them had their arms cut off, they had gotten in the way of their own machetes while harvesting these skulls, and I don't see how anybody right now can buy a baby skull with a clean conscience. That is unfair.
I should feel bad for wearing this necklace? My mother gave it to me. It's beautiful, Lorelei. It's a beautiful necklace. It's a stunning necklace, Lorelei.
And I hope that it was collected and polished using fair practices. The fact, Lorelei, is that you just don't know. In response to the recent outcry, the baby skull industry has launched a massive nationwide campaign to salvage its image, but some critics argue that ads like these should be required to warn consumers about possible humanitarian issues. It's not going to matter how many warnings you put on it.
People are not going to stop wanting baby skulls. There we agree. Every little girl grows up dreaming of a whole chest full of baby skulls. Baby skulls are part of our culture at this point.
That's right. If my husband hadn't given me a baby skull ring when he proposed to me, I would have been like, where's the skull? If consumers are concerned about possible abuse, then they should take matters into their own hands. Ask the skull dealer where he got the skull. Ask to see the spine. Exactly. Some have suggested that we build up the baby skull industry in our own nation so that we might be able to provide greater oversight. Great solution.
American babies on American soil. I've seen some of those cheap Chinese baby skulls, and sure, they're cheap, but that's just because they're more plentiful. They have a lot of problems. They have dings and dance-off foxes.
But, Lorelei, I'm not talking aboutI'm talking about high-quality American-made skulls. Take a look at this skull that I got from an independent dealer recently. Oh, my God, Duncan, that is not a baby skull. That is a cow skull.
What? Oh, jeez. Oh, God damn it. |
TheOnion | Many_U_S_Parents_Outsourcing_Child_Care_Overseas | Increasingly, American parents are spending more time at work and less time at home. With the cost of nannies on the rise, many are turning to a new solution to their childcare dilemma. Susan and Mark Andelman of Portland, Oregon, started sending their son Timothy to a daycare facility in India four months ago. It used to be quite a hassle in the morning. Now sometimes I'm even able to just get them right into the box without even waking them up, so it's a lot easier. Outsourcing Timothy worked so well, they decided to send their three-week-old daughter Brittany to infant care in Sri Lanka. Though the wages earned by overseas childcare workers would seem low to Americans, in countries like India, they are over a billion times the average salary. It's only 12 cents an hour in India, which is a lot cheaper than the $300 I was paying a week here in the United States.
It's a big improvement before he was acting out, a lot of yelling and screaming. Now when we uncrate him, he's completely quiet. Yeah, for like two or three days. The system is not without its problems, however. In June, Patricia Nattings of Omaha, Nebraska, incorrectly wrote her zip code, causing little Kimberly Nattings to spend nearly three weeks lost in the mail. I have to eat my own fingers. Coming up next, are there bullets in your body? Stay with us, we'll be right back. |
dropout | hardly_working_religiously | I saw YouTube put on an amazing show last night at Madison Square Garden. What? We had our poetry sent in my parents' backyard last night, and I didn't see you there.
Hey, Mr. Turner! Oh, my gosh! Who's, uh, who's Mr. Turner? I don't get it. Come on, he's the English teacher from Boy Meets World.
He wore the leather jacket and drove the Harley.
Didn't you watch that show? I mean, I watched it like here and there. I didn't watch it, like, religiously.
Alright, this is prom. Domaskas Fini! Domaskas Corey!
I meant my brothers. Are we ready to begin the ceremony? We are.
I have brought our village's fairest virgin. As pure as a season six Topanga. Charming. And I have brought our village's most neurotic virgin.
He's as paranoid as Corey.
Vinkus!
Mr. Gerwich! The honor is mine. Angel. More. Pankus. Short!
Vinkus!
You gotta get to school. Wait a second, is this the one where the girls have to ask the guys to the dance? Oh, my God, this one was just on! Vinkus! |
dropout | this_smart_watch_tells_you_when_you_re_going_to_die | Hello and welcome to the College Humor podcast. This is the show where the cast and crew of College Humor just gonna sit around gonna have some conversation play some games and talk a bit about the things that go into making all your favorite videos and probably some that you didn't like so much.
I am Mike Trapp joining us today we have... Jesse I'm Jesse. I'm Janie I'm a branded writer here. I'm Brennan I'm a cast member. Great. I'm a producer I didn't say that. Yeah we should probably say that.
You don't see me ever in videos, very rarely. Jesse's working very hard behind the scenes to make sure those videos go off without a hitch. Have you have you and you'll pop up in videos occasionally. I do if you there are a ton of videos where I'm in the background or a lot of establishing shots of the parties I'm usually in. Occasionally I have a line but yeah. Is there a role that you is there any role that you were like that you particularly remember as being like oh that was like either rough being on set that day or was like oh this is kind of fun I get to be in this this this video today. The one that I've done recently that I had a line was Katie's video about the wedding speech and and I had a little line at the end of that and that was really fun and then the one that everyone remembers actually on Facebook someone that I barely knew in high school reached out to me and was like oh my god you're the most successful person from our high school because you're in a college humor video and it was the diet racism one however long ago. Well that's clear to think. Great Jesse also produces actually and along with a bunch of other yeah yeah a lot of other videos yeah yeah and Janie. Janie you saw as an elf recently. Such a joy wonderful I did portray a sort of Jewish sounding elf I can't help it you know it's one of those things for a Christmas video you got to bring who you are. I'm responding to some specific comments. I read every single one but no they were great because it was a great video and I was in the realistic 80s party with Brennan as well playing a confused 80s girl. Right yeah and Janie's written a handful of other sketches for us some branded and some not so that's that those these are some faces that you might not see as much work who are you know making help make all the magic happen.
I guess I should also say if you are only listening to us and you want to see some of these faces you can watch this on on dropout.tv or you can check it out on CH2 but that's gonna be much later for watching this on CH2 you can go to any of those other places I mentioned look it's available all over the place do you decide if you want to see us or not well cool what's what's everyone been up to lately it sound like from just chatting beforehand that everyone's had a lot of problems with their apartment all our homes are falling apart we don't know what to do about it we've all had infestations in some sort of way this past week that's true you said you had a rats in your I had rats in my apartment and it's terrifying and they only come out when I'm the only one at home and then they run around the living room taunting me and then I'm mr. Snuffle up against situation like no one else believes you have rats I had to yeah we ended up catching a few thank God and I hopefully and hopefully this is crazy yes here's the thing we thought we had one rat we named him Henry you know and we finally caught Henry and I was like thank God we finally caught this rat it was 2 a.m. 2 30 a.m. we said we hear another rat being caught and then we're like oh no Henry has friends can I ask how you caught the rat the rat trap okay yeah I had to mice are bad but rats are so much worse it's like they're little humans they were this bit I when I was in when I was in college there's this one period where I was on campus just a little early for doing this sort of like welcoming freshmen kind of kind of thing and they the dorms weren't ready yet so like oh well you can go in these like look whatever like the crappiest crappy ass dorms I'm like you can be here for like a week before you you can go move in wherever and I had I had a pet rabbit at the time and weren't supposed to have it so I was kind of like hidden it was like I was normally living in a place where that was okay but it wasn't allowed in the dorms it's like I need to put this rabbit somewhere so it's just gonna be like under my bed for a while and in that period there there were I noticed that there were mice like in the in the dorm and I didn't want to call facilities to be like hey come take care of these mice because then they would see I had this rabbit so I ended up like rigging up the this like bootleg mousetrap that was it was like a water bottle where I had and I bought some nutter butters I haven't put him in the water bottle and then balanced it over like over the edge of a of a desk so that if it crawled in there and got all the way to the end where the nutter butter was the weight of it would tilt it over and like trap it in the in the bottle I caught it yeah I had this water bottle with a mouse in it that was like ah now what do I do with this could you not afford a mousetrap I didn't want to kill it nice traps and rat traps yeah I mean I guess if this sounds like what I did was a lot a lot more work but there's probably also apartment is just like I don't have to go to a store and figure out what mousetrap to buy and what you didn't have to leave to do this one yeah this is a total like MacGyver situation just like what do I have on hand I got a rubber band a water bottle I can cut in half oh my god I cannot imagine being in a place in my life where I'm like the path of least resistance is for me to invent a trap around me that's fucking crazy well it worked I mean the classes hadn't started yet see you in the rabbit hanging out chatting it's very funny to me also to have two animals that that are in terms of species like pretty similar to each other and be like this fuzzy little guy is good and I will break laws to get this little guy in my place this fuzzy little guy no thank you that rabbit was also far more destructive than those mice were chewed through everything it chewed through I had like a stack of laundry on my bed one time I was like I don't tend to fold this yet but I'll just lay it out flat and and then I'll fold it later and so it's a stack of clothes and it chewed straight through it so all my shirts had a hole in the same spot because it was just like with these rats I have built-ins in my apartment and their drawers so it's where I keep my sweaters in my pants and they live in the built-ins behind it somewhere and so they ate like half of my pants now have holes in them because and the most terrifying thing is that's we put a little trap there to try to catch one and we caught one in my in my drawer so I mean yeah we didn't we had a I was living in on Gold Street in New York City for many years it was like that was my young 20s for like my brother and two very close friends it was like our bachelor pad kind of place and we we were down an old old financial district like by the seaport in New York which is just rats and mice and cockroaches everywhere that part of the city is like 250 years old and there's just you know chewed out brick and mortar everywhere where these guys just thrive and there was one night where a mouse ran across the living room and went ah and then five minutes later he ran by again and we went ah and they ran by again and we were like is this guy just doing laps to fuck with us and then three mice ran the other way all at the same time I went no it was a different mouse each time it was three different mice in there together now they ganged up so we went and got traps to catch these mice and we felt bad because the only traps were available near us because the because you know like that part of Manhattan just shuts down after a certain point there's not too much it's mostly like a commuter place so we couldn't find any humane traps but we wanted to get traps up like right away like ASAP and we were like there's no humane traps here and then my brother was like listen if forget mice for a second if there was just a person who was staying in our apartment not paying rent and shitting in all of our bowls we could kill that person and that's just fair and that's not we're not it's not about them being mice we don't think about them as mice it's just like Jeff you've been chewing holes in our cereal boxes and taking poisonous shits and all of them that's getting us sick you won't leave we're gonna kill you don't pay rent you never have clothes on rents coming the rents coming okay so my cognition is not great like I'm not really sure about your place in mind also even the trap is kind of like hey man I put some of my peanut butter on my trap I didn't give you permission to eat it you did right you're an idiot that was a trap quick for them yeah versus the glue ones are very cool the glue glue ones are very cruel the although I will say okay here we go I don't feel great about this well we got the traps that were like instant like instant death which is not let's be very clear not humane you're killing the animal but a quick death or so we thought okay there was one night where I was asleep in my room and we'd had a mouse problem there and I was sleeping my bed I had them near my waste paper basket where these guys used to jump and make a lot of noise like splashing around in the plastic of the waste paper basket just like having a ball in there and it was very noisy and I put it so I put a trap there and I'm beginning to tell this story I'm realizing this might be upsetting but I'm really very sorry if you find this upsetting for those that get upset watch out so I'm in this in bed sleeping and I hear and then and I go like wow shit there you know there goes the brave song so sorry but you know there there it goes that's that's the mouse and then literally like a minute now I'm like I'm like I don't I'll deal with it in the morning and then a minute and a half later I hear and I go Jesus cuz I'd set two traps out cuz we had so many mice in the apartment and I was like oh my god I got another one what these these mice are really going for it and I'm like okay I'm gonna go back to bed sort of go back to bed and then I start hearing the hell turn the light on the most muscular mouse I've ever seen in my life like true Rambo this mouse was like the kind of guy who was like doing one-handed pull-ups like on scaffolding outside on the street like a mouse hero had one trap on a back leg the other one on his side and was the thumping noise was him trying to just like commando style with his arms pull and the the mass of two traps attached to his body was he couldn't fit through the space between the desk and my bookshelf and was but it was like a loud pounding noise he was so powerful this was like a mouse hero it was like a true like Captain America Mouse those bullets those traps for other mice how does it read with his sister everything's good we did know we did not we I got up and as like uncomfortable as it was for me like we my other roommate was awake and I was like what do I do and it was like well he's in pain you have to you know so he he died a hero's death I was very very sad and you're right actually his wife and kids are now safe because of him so that's good actually I'm realizing that we did not we were too broke to get more traps so we did not get more traps you could have made one out of a water bottle thinking I'm realizing I have so many like rodent stories that the the first car I bought when I was like I was just about to turn 16 and I bought it off my brother and it's this little tiny like two-seater old sports car and my brother was dead set on buying a buying a convertible a used one like not like he was like I'm gonna get a cool car I was just like oh this is just another old crappy car that happens to be a convertible but he got that wanted to sell his car and I was like I'll buy it off you and then you don't have to go through all the trouble of like putting a listing out or cleaning it or doing anything I'll take care of all that just give sell it to me for the same price you bought it for or less and the car was full of trash because he had this habit of like he was driving to work he'd like swing into like a fast food place and then like eat a burger and just toss the wrapper behind so I cleaned it all out and the next day I went down there to like do a little bit more work on it and I was like these look like rat droppings in here it's like these weren't here when I was cleaning up before so I vacuumed it up and I told my parents I think there's like a rat in there or something and my dad was like you it's like hey if there's a rat in there if it got in there it can get out you got rid of all the food so it'll just leave and the rat droppings stop appearing and that everything seems fine for a while until I go down there one day and I'm just like something smells a little bad in here well I definitely don't want that to be a dead mouse so I'll just hang an air freshener if I just deny it hard enough like that'll solve the problem yeah and it was like a week of just like hanging air fresheners before I was finally like dad I'm something died in that car he's like no no you just have to you just have to air it out like I'll you know what I'll drive it to work tomorrow that'll get the oil moving through it that'll get some air moving through it'll be fine he came he came back from work today he's like something died in your car like we had to I spent this is I should say this is California in the middle of the summer and it's just like the the day was found it's like I'm gonna find this thing and because it's against a small car like we looked in like every like not in the glove compartment not anywhere and just this the smell it's like I can still smell it talking about it now it's like burned into my brain and we had the I had the doors to the car open and it would be the kind of thing where I'd like take a deep breath and then like hold my breath as I was like looking around and and as I'm like looking for the remnants of this mouse flies are flying into the car and you can see they're all like hovering around like the center like where you would like change gears and they're all hovering around there it's like how the flies know something I don't had to take apart all these pieces to get to it but like open it up and it was like it'd be like in a in like a movie when they like they open like a mummy's tomb you know we're just like the smell was like almost like a physical presence like it was like and underneath was this the was like an this pile of like of old like Safeway receipts and about a pound of ash because the previous owner had been a smoker so just all his ash and then like one rat just like dead and just like like dead-eye just glaring up at me through there and that that like I I couldn't drive I like it was a good two months before I could get the smell totally out of that place and like feel like I could drive that car I'm just picturing like a huge like Olympic swimming pool of alcohol and just like dipping the car into like I need this whole thing sterilized like well what it was is like you would I loaded it up with all these like just like it's any kind of air freshener any kind of anything that can like neutralize deodorize sprays powders everything but at a certain point because most of those things just cover the smell right they don't actually get rid of anything and then what I would what was stuck in my brain was the mixture of those smells like it makes it yeah and you start to associate the smell of those deodorizers with the smell right like lemon rat yeah my hope was the story would end in like the rat had been Ferris Bueller in your car came back and he was just like what I'm cool and he'd been driving the convertible man instead it was a sarcophagus yeah this poor rat awful awful rat that's crazy oh my god now I don't like lemon anymore well we've talked about rodents for a while so maybe we'll maybe we'll move on to our game our game today we're just gonna play a classic with a little bit of a twist we're gonna be playing fuck Mary kill but we will not be playing with any people at all these will be I honestly don't know what's in here our producers Marie and Paul have have gathered together some things that are in here as far as I understand it they these are objects abstract concepts these are just just things that we will have to sort of make our claim who to who to fuck who to marry who to kill so Brandon you've got a bag of bag down there with with things there you want to reach in there pull one out and see what we got here yes am I pulling out one of these items at a time one card should have three things on it very well all right for our first round of fuck Mary kill sex marriage and murder okay I got you know I was hoping when you first said that I was like I was like oh like these are gonna be all mixed up but as I think about it's like no I don't know if they are I think you kill murder gotta kill murder I guess you know like it's like one wild night and then you don't you don't think about it ever again but then what do you but then sorry but then what do you are you killing okay this is my thing and okay so I'm gonna fuck murder okay I'm gonna I'm wait I'm gonna fuck murder I'm going to I just had this in my head I'm gonna kill I'm gonna kill fuck our sex I'm sorry I'm gonna marry marriage or whatever you marry marriage so you murder cuz you're gonna kill sex you're gonna fuck murder and marry marriage yeah that's you're describing a nightmare world I mean you are describing so the concept of sex is dead so now call me a softy so sex is dead no one can have sex anymore but the love is still alive I guess so everyone's in a sexist marriage and all pleasure comes over now I can get behind and now you're certain we used to like fuck God now I'm gonna confuse myself now he said fuck murders like okay I guess I can kinda I can get the logic behind that but then I thought for sure it would be kill marriage because marriage as an institution has all kinds of problems already like I could imagine a world where it's like you know what do we need to do this anymore but kill sex man that surprised me you know I do now that you explain it like that there might be some flaws with my thinking but I'm gonna stand with it I'm gonna have a big marriage fan not particularly no actually mm-hmm so that's surprising too but hey it's like a best friend for life am I right sure sure it's a contract sure sure I'm gonna you Janie I think I think I'm going standard I think I'm going Mary Mary fuck sex and that sounds like a good world I like things to be how they are yeah no I think that you as I think you yeah you don't don't overthink this one right yeah you fuck sex because hey that sounds like a great time you marry marriage because yeah that feels settled down so you settle down with marriage you know it can commit and then you have to kill murder because first of all not only would that make the world a better place but also isn't that kind of cool if you're like you're like someone's like God I'm scared of murder and you're like why I fucking killed yeah but isn't it also kind of cool to fuck murder you know I mean I fucked it I will say I think this is the more logical one and I think Jesse's made a more fun scenario well the only one we haven't explored would be to Mary murder and you're like yeah you see the old ball and Jane wolf they are a nightmare I don't I don't like I don't want to talk ill of anyone but I don't get how Brennan and murder wound up together so different marriage have money yeah marriage is hard and you're not always gonna see eye-to-eye and someone's you know the concept of illegal slaughter blood involved blood involved takes hard work cool all right well I'll pull the next card here you go see what you got here I'm gonna jumble these up in case they're in a particular order and we don't want that they're in kind of a stack it feels less fun okay I'll go ahead and give that to Janie right now so she's just ready with it okay Fahrenheit Celsius and Kelvin I really don't know Kelvin that well that's hard Kelvin that's we're talking like absolute zero there right Kelvin is is like zero Kelvin is is what is absolute zero again it's like the temperature at its um I'm going to look this up there now that we're on a podcast right now I'm straight up looking it up because I am zero Kelvin it's some stupidly cold thing it's like the temperature at which like Kelvin the Kelvin is the primary unit of temperature measurement in the physical sciences but is often used in conjunction with the degree Celsius which has the same magnitude the definition applies that absolute zero zero Kelvin is equivalent to negative 273.15 degrees Celsius so yes Kelvin but and what is absolute zero though is the temperature at which like it's some it there's some definition of absolute zero that's like cold as it can fucking it's cold as it can fucking be all right well that's we're looking at is it really a limit to how cold something can be the temperature at which all thermal motion ceases in the classical description of thermodynamics so the point at which like the movement of you know bodies so small and large that truly all motion has ceased you're frozen in place frozen in place yeah wow oh that's it that's a doozy Wow I think I think there's a straightforward answer here and I'm gonna tell you all right um I think that we need to kill Fahrenheit okay because it's just cuz it's goofy it's goofy and stupid why why are we using it 32 yeah we should get in with we should get on board with all the metric stuff and no you know this is gonna be my hot take no pun intended I like Fahrenheit I mean no no wonder we all but beyond that beyond that are you saying you're gonna marry Fahrenheit I'm gonna put your money you know what I will I will marry Fahrenheit I think yeah Fahrenheit that's who I want to settle down with because you're comfortable with them yeah I understand Fahrenheit I really understand it I think I like that I like that Fahrenheit exists as like on a purely like stupid level of like zero to 100 of just like sometimes things get below zero like outside and you're like oh that's fucking cold but you can understand someone's like it's zero degrees outside sick oh yeah that's that's pretty cold and if someone's like that's a hundred degrees outside like that's pretty hot and things will go like in your general day-to-day life things can go like negative that by like you know down to a little while and things can go like a hundred over a hundred but for the most part like you're kind of living in that zone and like that's a very easy thing for me to understand but I feel like you think that because you grew up with it but there's also there's more like you have to do half degrees of Celsius in order to get the levels the levels of gradation in there because like it's not just like it's the scope of like freezing water to boiling water instead of just being like here's the scope of like human existence a little bit hmm I understand that that's well argued very well I get I'm still gonna kill it I'm sorry oh you're gonna kill Fahrenheit okay what are we doing with Kelvin we that's a toughie I think I feel bad killing him I feel like you maybe fuck Kelvin cuz yeah you gotta fuck Kelvin he's that the killer I'm saying he because Kelvin sounds like it's like it's like it's like that that's chill right chill it's cooler than being cool if we agree that you got to kill Fahrenheit which I'm on board all right because you've made your argument is very compelling however in the interest of getting us on the same page with the rest of the world I understand I think you marry Celsius right so that's so you're spending your life with you got to kill Fahrenheit and then Kelvin is like if you're only gonna just fuck one time there's nothing else that's gonna happen it's like what is your weird fucking deal it's kind of sexy you know like there's something you freeze in your spot when you see him you know what I mean there's also something a little bit of just like I've never I never see you you know like like Celsius you see Fahrenheit you see comes like who is this good booty call yeah they walk into the bar and you're like yeah yeah also like he's gonna say he is smart you know there's like sort of physical science knowledge there that I don't have in practical though you don't use him too often yeah right yeah exactly no you don't want to marry that yeah a brief dalliance and it's fun while at last sure something you do in college and you move on yeah yeah yeah got experiment and then get out yeah we talked about Kelvin a lot in college but then it ultimately wasn't practical yeah you're not gonna stick stick with Kelvin you stay around here how cold is outside no I agree that's beautiful all right well I think we cracked it good good all right moving on we have glasses contacts lasek wow I think we might have an opinion oh yeah I yeah I don't I don't use it 2020 eyes do you both have 2020 eyes I have not been tested in a long time but I I test myself against my against my wife when we'll be driving and she's wearing her glasses and the fact that I can still see farther than read signs farther than her when she's wearing her glass I think I'm doing okay well we stare at screens all day that's crazy that's good for you good for you well so what do you what are glasses versus contacts for for you to um I've never had vision insurance so I've never had it as a financial option I'd be curious I when I forgot glasses in third grade and when I got glasses in third grade I only wore them I never wore them in pictures cuz I hated my glasses and I did this up until a few years ago and I wore my contacts and then one day I was like contacts are so expensive and glasses kind of look cool and I have a few pairs now I can change them up it's kind of like it's an accessory glasses if you have under eye bags you can get a glass line that sort of like hits for yeah I can kind of just like makes your face look more interesting and alive yeah times you know or you can like you can change if you don't like something about your face specifically me you find ways where it's like oh this balances it this sounds like a very pro glasses argument if you would have asked me five years ago I would have said down with glasses contacts are the way to go but now I'm thinking glasses are definitely the way to go I have another pro glass argument I tend to get things near my face like I like I you know I get like sand in my eye or whatever it is these things are protective and I love that for an argument against for contacts though when you chop onions you don't cry because you got that little little piece of plastic between your eyes it's just like superpowers small but yeah at least it does for me I don't know maybe I have never worn glasses but I have worn contacts as special effects makeup stuff for larp's and to make my eyes like white out or to do other creepy stuff with them and they are hell and I don't like to touch my you know you get past that real quick I believe it I know people that are good with it are like crazy they're like in there I could touch this for a day is I could just go around there and really well I mean I guess who I would I would propose then like merry glasses right you think this is the thing that like you can sort of you can keep things changing on a day-to-day basis but you always have them and and kill contacts and then fuck the laser laser the only thing I'll say with that is that I learned fairly recently that part of part of like laser eye surgery is that they have to anesthetize your eye which means that they have to stick a needle in your eye before they shine a laser in your eye and that I don't fuck someone do laser laser guy surgery have you watched the video of it we had to do it in school and you had to do you had to watch it I went to film school to understand lenses but they like cut I mean like you know they cut your eye lid open it's very unnerving Wow but so I'm gonna bet now saying that I think I'm gonna marry glasses I'm gonna I'm gonna kill contacts and fuck lasek yeah I thought I was gonna change my mind no not like lasers that feels like the crazy fling you do it's like I don't I don't know if this is you know this is whatever but this feels like something that something to try out if you know it's gonna be really painful but you're only gonna do it once that's okay you're like all right you know what it's one night I'm probably not gonna be here again fuck it let's go you should you forever oh my god the colors yeah I feel like it's a botched surgery if you have to do lasek more than once so you shouldn't marry that you should just do it one and done you know that's true that's true I like that yeah okay all right well Jesse you want to pull a card out for us and and tell us okay chicken parm chicken tikka masala our buffalo chicken fuck all three fuck all three I want to fuck all three it's not even a not even a thought experiment I just I would like to order some various chicken dishes let's go get some buffalo wings yeah all right let's let's think about this I think that I'm I think of these three I'm bored to death by chicken parm I think it never goes out of style that's my wife for your time I honestly will marry and fuck all three and kill that's my answer to this question chicken um no chicken parm you got a little Dom's over in less feels you had the fucking chicken parm it's me it's I mean it's a solid chunk of meat you could kill somebody with that thing I mean it's heavy uh-huh I guess if we're going if that we're at some weird ass chicken place or like we make every kind of chicken in the world and these three are on the menu I'm never going for the chicken parm if chicken tikka masala and buffalo chicken are on the menu there's a weird restaurant it's a weird restaurant is buffalo chicken a wing I'm not gonna have to be it's like you just got like a chicken breast well buffalo is a sauce so you can have bonus buffalo wings you can have buffalo wings you could have buffalo like you can get a buffalo chicken wrap I just salivated so much in my now I truly salivated so fuck it's all so good God they're also good can I just I really want to know who you're gonna kill and yeah this is really more a question for Brennan really holding his feet to the fire about you have to make a choice there is a and I understand that this is a game I understand that my answer if you pose the question to me it choose one of these three to kill my answer to you is no I will kill myself to have all three of those chicken survive hmm I kill chicken parm chicken parm and chicken tikka masala are more based in a tradition some kind of cuisine right isn't buffalo chicken like an American thing yeah we just made it up Buffalo New York oh so that is a tradition as well I take that back they're all very traditional and prime for marriage okay I'm going to marry buffalo chicken I'm gonna fuck chicken very good anything on the side next I'm going to fuck chicken tikka masala choice kill chicken parm I think I'm with you Jesse I mean oh man but like okay it's you know it's like it's one o'clock in the morning you're you're heading home it's a cold night in New York you swing by the bodega on your way home you go up there's Cornelia he's like what's up boss and you're like I'm good man how you doing let me get a chicken parm on a hero you get the sandwich it's heavy the fucking sauce is like seeping through the paper wrapping you sit down on a cold stone stoop you start eating it and for a brief moment you haven't slept in days you're suddenly whole again because you're going home to your rat apartment I guess here's my thing to that and you've been on the record is saying your most sought-after feature of any food is heaviness I don't need to look at food or smell food or taste food if you give it to me concealed in a bag and I hold it in my hand as long as I have to somewhat activate muscles in my back and shoulder to keep it up in the air then we're in for a good meal I feel like like if you're like cold night and this is something comforting I'm like far more comforted by something a little bit of spice in there in the case of tikka masala a little bit of like like they both have they're both heavier and they're both spicier and my god if I have done anything to suggest that I favor chicken parm over chicken tikka masala or buffalo chicken and then that is on me sure chicken parm was under attack and I had really what it is is I am in a polyamorous marriage with all three do they know that if they don't then I failed as a husband if they don't know how much I care then that's on me I believe in you guys I see this sweet yeah you just make sure you're spending an equal amount of time yeah yeah yeah of course and obviously there's something that we have to navigate we often navigate these relationships with each other and and you know they are all different so you have to love them in different ways because they're not the same person you know it's not a one-size-fits-all approach this is the most passionate you've been about anything you've talked about but would you have them all together like on the same plate yeah yeah yeah hey it's you know some Valentine's Day sure I am sweating that's very cool all right let's do let's do one more cuz we're running running out of time a little bit we've got a couple of things to do today but you know what let's do one more just cap it off these yeah or let's do or let's just make do like a real lightning around one anyway acne hiccups the flu ooh kill the flu I kills people who does kill people yeah you got it's so bad you but I don't want to fuck acne I feel like they belong together because acne and hiccups are like these are mild annoyance if I was in like a lineup in a police station as the flu and fucking acne and hiccups were there I'd be like you've got to be kidding me I mean there there are chapters of history dedicated to how fucking destructive I was yeah like the fucking Spanish flu it mean like truly like I have brought nations to their knees you put me with fucking hiccups over here no I would definitely fuck hiccups I don't know why we're even talking okay I have to marry acne it's just what I have to do if I wanna fuck hiccups which is the whole which I've just realized was the point of why I woke up today declare that see I want it I want to marry hiccups cuz I want to fuck them all the time you know I mean just a real spasmy I feel like hiccups is such a rollercoaster of an experience you couldn't sustain marriage to hiccups it goes on longer than you think it should it does it's kind of embarrassing and you're laughing and it's sometimes it comes out of nowhere they're always surprising you think about it and there's shame there so that's good for me acne is the same way it pops up out of nowhere sometimes you know it's a little more consistent yeah but but hiccups don't scar well well thank you that's poetry all right well we'll leave it up there they don't scar we're gonna do a little rejected sketch theater and this is a sketch that I wrote now I'll reach forward and pull this thing this is a sketch I wrote ages ago how long ago well Pat's in this Murph is in this and is Adam in this I don't know maybe it's just pad and Murph cool so let's do let's I'll go ahead and cast this let's do Jesse you want to read for for Pat uh-huh Jane you want to read for Murph Brennan would you mind reading the stage and also spindly man yes great this is a sketch called this smartwatch tells you when you're going to die interior office day patent Murph work at their desks trap enters very wet whoa that is a lot of sweat yes much more sweat than usual is everything okay oh yeah I've just been working out more since I got this fitness tracker trap lifts his arm to reveal a sleek black Fitbit like wristband attracts and reports my steps my heart rate calories consumed and even the exact date of my death trap shows in the tracker presses a button a tiny skull icon appears next to the date 317 22 whoa that's so cool and terrifying yeah and having immediate access to all this data is so convenient and such an existential nightmare so you're telling me that so far today you've walked two miles have seven years left to live and consumed 300 calories yep it seems pretty accurate you can also measure you can change the units to measure in kilometers walked or heartbeats remaining I guess it's a cool gadget but does it actually help you get into shape you know it does it's silly but having this on my wrist forces me to think about my fitness my food choices and my impending death well you're looking good thanks I've been waking up early to go on runs and staying up late wondering why I even bothered knowing what I know you know I've lost five pounds and my sense of purpose wow and only a week yep I'm healthier than I've ever been and it's never mattered less I'm running weightlifting visiting my extended family everything so how does this work trap takes out his phone it links up to my smartphone so I can see all my data and it occasionally sends me reminders that I am in fact mortal and will die on March 17th 2022 or that I haven't reached my goal step yet his phone chimes oh here's one now we see the screen say don't forget you're going to die on March 17th 2022 so close what was the date before you started working out you know that's the funny thing I've been changing a lot of my habits but that date never seems to I guess it knows something I don't he laughs and stares into the distance a haunted hundred-mile stare you know what the worst part is Adam and Murph share a look sometimes it doesn't sink properly so I have to restart the app oh that's lame I was going to get one but maybe I'll wait until the next gen oh where'd you get yours from oh from the spindly guy with an impossibly tall top hat and a long black cloak he just gave it to me for free while cackling darkly so yeah pretty good deal nice traps phone chimes he looks at the message well I better get moving if I want to try to try to move that date or maybe I should do something else since that date seems unchangeable but shouldn't I at least try and what would be the more valuable use of my time is there something I should be doing with my life and what's a good low calorie filling lunch the creepy spindly man trap mentioned appears out of no where avocado toast he laughs darkly trap not yeah that's that yeah so I wrote this like shortly after getting like one of those little fitness trackers and there is that sense of just like it like it has that that like psychological thing like oh yeah like I am watching what I eat I am like moving a little bit more and like with that is always the sense of like when you're talking about any health thing it's like and I am going to die and it no like this thing knows all like he'll turn on it's like hey just you know we noticed you burned a thousand calories like oh thanks buddy just the thought of this thing like as a truly like doom device like hey not even related to your health we know you're gonna die on March 17th maybe a bus maybe hit by a bus I also I I was with my my sisters came into town this weekend and they all have an Apple watch and they all are connected to each other which I didn't know and so they it'll it'll like beep when someone else has done something and I hate that I don't want people to when else finishes a run yes well at the end the day it'll tell you like oh you know Elizabeth didn't work out today and she didn't fill up her her rings or whatever public shaming for your I hate that yes we should be a hive let's all exist in one mind imagine that on this being like oh also now they're down a day and they're gonna die a day earlier there you go but trapped you still track stuff are you off that I'm off that because I when I moved I I lost like the little dongle that connects my thing to the thing and it was just like it was one step too many to be like alpha oh and the other part of it was it got I got it when I was in New York and it was pretty good there cuz I was walking around a lot and it wasn't the wristband kind it was kind of just like sticking your pocket and I was like oh this doing a pretty good job of tracking my steps and it got so confused when I was driving again and I remember like there's one time like I came to the office and it's like whoa buddy we saw that you went 12 miles and 20 minutes it's like that was not me running crazy fast that was me driving to work you're good for your calories of the day it's like fuck I'm not no what are you talking about like at that point like I couldn't trust it anymore and I would trust it I'd say yes I did yeah those things can be double-edged like they can definitely just make you feel bad or like you're not doing enough or like the ones that track your sleep it's kind of upsetting too you're like oh my god I don't sleep that's I don't know what to do with this information do I've never done the sleep tracking stuff I think mainly because I can usually tell whether or not I'm like I feel like shit today oh but the app says I shouldn't yeah yeah I did it like tell us if you're if you're moving in your sleep and you know that kind of thing so is that the one that you put it by your head there's that and there's a wristband too yeah I've tried both okay do you does it feel do you feel better okay with that knowledge or does it do you like I guess that's the other thing too is like with it with exercise if it's like hey you're not moving enough it's like oh there's a very clear thing I can do to fix this I can move more but if it's like hey you didn't sleep very well it's like I know you feel bad I know what do you want me to do I'm tired stop yelling now I'm guilty and I didn't get enough sleep exactly not to be overly superstitious but given that you did set your death date on st. Patrick's Day was there a part of is there a part of you that is superstitious about having written your own death into a sketch I didn't I didn't even think about it but I guess we'll see we're not that far away yeah that's pretty soon yeah well three years into it was definitely the intent when I wrote it for in the future but not too far in the like it was like oh that's like enough time but to like it feels distant but definitely like this is like this is coming up fast so the idea the idea cuz I wrote this maybe three years ago so yeah like other things like if someone told you like right now it's like hey you know for a fact eight years from now ten years from now you're gonna die it's like there that would be a very strange thing cuz it's like well ten years in a way feels like it's like oh well like I have this knowledge I can do something with it but still ten years is only ten years and like there's got to be like a weight of that sitting on you just like what the fuck I knew for a fact I was gonna die on this day and it didn't matter what else I did then I would just fucking do shit but what if I would like run around and 20 years jump off things right if it's magical if someone's like you you actually can't die until this I'm like I'm gonna go fight crime I'm impervious to bullets I mean you fucking cannot I will say in my I mean I'm put I'm putting myself in a box here but in my imagination of this I would also still feel the pain of like jumping off something but I would always heal and get better so if someone shoots me with a gun then I'm gonna feel that and that's gonna suck but I will survive I suppose it could be a situation where you go try to solve a crime you get shot it like deals nerve damage to you and you're just in the hospital for the next 10 years that in a coma you know I don't know the circumstance of being alive so it's tricky you know I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it and keep moving with exactly what I'm doing no that's fucking wild I guess if I also I don't know how many people are actually interested in this but like as far as like nitty-gritty sketch stuff there's something here too it's like having written this so long ago and like being able to like look back on it I feel like if I were to change things about this now like there's like a lot of the a lot of the rhythms a lot of lines are very similar I'm probably try to change that up a bit it's like trying to get like it reads very good like glib and sort of commercially which is a little bit intentional but it also has kind of flattens it out a bit but I think like trying to get more of those moments of like the like the the weakest like like the the lamest smallest things about fitness trackers it's like oh did you know we can like it get it's so accurate with your steps and also I'm going to die and trying to like find different more different ways to like make that juxtaposition stand out more is probably what I do to change this you've written so many sketches over the years do you ever have a time when you're just like I'm out I got nothing you're so prolific is it ever just like oh gosh I so when I first like really started writing sketches like that was my feeling basically like every every month like I say month like here it's like that's a more on a weekly turnaround but when I started it was like writing on a mod team at the UCB and every month I was like that's it I have nothing left I've tapped out no more ideas I'm done and after about like two to three years of that after swimming like that that was it that was my last idea I don't have anything left then it then it like kind of like push forward into this other thing it's just like I'll figure something out I don't know like I've done it I'll figure it out like it and a lot of that was also like giving myself permission to be like it may not be the best sketch I've ever written it may be something that isn't quite there but I'll figure out something that at least has a kernel of an observation in there that can maybe be turned into something else that's an inspiring insight for people who you know feel like they're out of ideas I think like a lot of it is just that that fear of like especially what I know when I was starting like I wanted to make sure that like every sketch I wrote was like this will be the funniest thing ever written this is gonna be the best thing ever it's going to be it's gonna be new but a thing that when people see it they go like I totally recognize that and like it's like setting all this it's like oh yeah that would be the perfect sketch but if you put all those barriers on yourself like if you that's the level you're trying to hit every single time and if you're trying to hit that on the first swing like not like first draft like not even giving your time to work on it it's like you're going to wind up so in your head about it it's gonna be that much harder to write something just like right giving yourself permission to write something kind of shitty and then turning it figuring out how to make it good later is much healthier that's awesome that's really cool I agree with that you got to give the pressure off because any person whatever creative thing you're doing because I think some of us come from like an improv like Janie and I both did improv and being on precious with your material is the best thing you can be yeah and just being like no it's like my body of work will be good and the various instances of it will be better or worse and I'm not going to dwell on those successes or failures I often find that I don't celebrate successes very much particularly because I have a new word myself to being bothered by failures yes where I'm like oh I'm not gonna like throw a fucking ticker tape parade cuz something worked like it's supposed to work yeah and then if it worked great and then because I'm taking it easy on the successes when the failures come along I'll be able to be like hey man we just don't worry about this kind of thing right keep moving yeah it's awesome that's really cool does make you were like sometimes people ask me like hey like what's your favorite sketch you've ever written it's like I can't think of I can't name five sketches I just make so many things yeah also just like also I mean it kind of feels like everything's kind of your baby too at the time I don't know that feels weird to say but like yeah I don't want it I don't want to pick a favorite because I like them all and they are all different in different ways yeah and they all bring something challenging and something different to the table whether it's doing them actually or d20 or you know there's an interest absolutely there's an interesting thing I think too with the idea of people that are embarking on a creative pursuit when they haven't before so a lot of people that are like I am thinking about changing my life and moving in a creative direction are sometimes considering their first artistic endeavor and of course something is going to take on an added level of significance when it is your only because by definition the first thing you are doing will be the only thing you have done once you finish it so it takes on this incredibly like mythological significance one thing I would say to improv students when I'm teaching like a 101 class when people freak out about their class show they're like when we have our show at the end this eight weeks I actually had someone ask me one time they were like they're like um what do we do if our class show is bad and I looked at them and this is on me for not being more empathetic in this moment but I was trying to answer the question I sort of went full robot and didn't really understand the question on an emotional level and I was like you'll feel awful and go home yeah and then you'll wake up the next day and then it will be a new day and you might still feel bad I don't know how you'll feel but like you keep I guess you'll just keep going right I don't know what will you do and it's like this weird element where I started to say when I had that bad answer was look you're there's two kinds of people that are in this class either this is a fun thing you're doing to get better at public speaking or it's like a weird you're taking an improv class basically for therapeutic reasons or whatever else you're not in other words you're not interested in being an improviser right in which case what do you give a shit this is the last thing you're doing you're not you're not in it for the long haul or you're someone who wants to be an improviser in which case what do you give a shit you're gonna do so many more shows nobody's career lives or dies by their first class show so whether you care about this or you don't it doesn't matter either way it's also you learn from that right yeah like every time I mean this is this is like preaching to whatever but like you learn from everything that you do wrong or if you feel like you've done something wrong then you can look back and think about like what did I do during that show that wasn't right did I you know was I not agreeing with people was I not playing the game or whatnot yeah and the lesson to be less precious yeah like you know just get more at bats and that's one of the main things better a hundred percent and I you know this sounds we're all kind of doing the old coach thing of like yeah you just get up you push yourself yeah walk it off but there is some truth I remember like the last thing I said to this one student who asked like cornered me I was like no you don't get I'm really scared of having a bad show is I just went like is your I was like do you think your fear will get acute enough that will stop you from performing and the student was like oh no I'm gonna perform and I was like then your fear doesn't actually matter right like if you were telling me I may not do the class show that's a different conversation if you're gonna perform then be as afraid as you want right you're gonna do it right or use that fear or use that fear yeah doesn't you're gonna do it so I'll see you there yeah you know we are almost out of time so let's try to sneak in some some viewer questions here at the end and we'll start with this one because it was actually something that you alluded to at the start of the episode this is a question from Marty Martin Nino do you ever read the negative feedback slash comments on social media and if so how do you feel about it I've been in like one video and was just like scrolling I'll do I'm in the background of videos and I still look at everything that's very funny yeah it's also fun you don't I don't actually read read the comments I used to when I first started at College Humor it was very fun because it was like I'm new here I've got a big old platform for like people to read my writing and and especially cuz like the first couple things the first couple articles I wrote like really like hit hard and like people like this is great this dude's great and so it was like oh this feels nice and then it only takes like a couple of articles that people just like don't jive with to be like oh no like it like doesn't only takes like one negative comment to sort of like rattle around in your brain for the rest of the day and and like that happened enough times where I was like I don't know this person I don't know who they are what their sense of humor is like they're certainly people like people I know who are like I didn't think this was funny I was like I don't care what you think you know and it's like I don't know if this person is one of those people and but then like the flip side of that and almost like what you were talking about if like take the good with the bad is like if I don't care what this person thinks I also that also means I can't really care what the positive comments are like and like once that sort of clicked in it was like well then I'm just not gonna bother reading these this is like kind of a waste of time at best it's like kind of ego-stroking and at worst it's going to sort of like really psychologically stick with me and ruin my day so I'm just not gonna fucking bother with this at all so that's where I'm at generally speaking yeah I think it's interesting there's a well I I think that our minds are fundamentally broken by ours I mean people humans because you can like and this is true of internet comment sections social gatherings like think about throwing like if you have a birthday party for yourself and you invite a hundred people and everyone is saying like hey you're so important to me you're a close friend I love you here's a gift I'm showing you that I care about you and one person says something rude and belligerent guess what the story is gonna be that you talk about for the next week or a couple weeks of like you won't believe I'm a birthday party someone said something rude like someone didn't even come like they're not even in the story but it's about them right and you're and what ends up happening is you're actually by focusing on that negative you're actually punishing all the people who did do the right thing like everyone that was conscientious and kind becomes white noise and the weird aberrant or deviant like oh this person was negative this person said something unkind those stick out in your mind because our brains are broken but it's evolution I mean we would like process threats and danger and negativity and we would we're actually wired to hold on to that and store it versus positive stuff which is like that's not gonna help me survive I gotta like know what to avoid yeah so we're just trying to operate in this world so I could see not read in the comments I just take them out with a grain of salt I'm laugh at most of them especially the mean ones and then I know you're all jealous I remember I remember the first like negative comment I read about myself it was in college my I was in a like a comedy magazine in college and we did this we did this big prank prank video thing that was it's called drinkin time and there's there's there was a I was a I was a cult the campus tour guide and so like I knew the route for four oh I knew the route for the that the tour took and I knew that there was one particular spot on the route where they stopped like right outside frat row and they really tried to downplay the the role of Greek life on campus even though it was an extremely large part of of campus life and it always felt like a weird part to me where it was like almost every target it's like I'm gonna gloss over this as quickly as I possibly possibly can then we're gonna move on to the next thing and I knew that there was like a line in the script so to speak not really script they're just like like yeah just mentioned like there you know there is Greek life like parties and college stuff does happen but you know it's just like it's it's not a huge part of life and you could totally choose to ignore it if you don't if you don't want to get involved with that and we had basically like little comedy group arranged to like when the tour reached that part those specific tories that part that we would we planted a bunch of people all over the space I would run down the street yelling it's drinking time and people would just pop up everywhere say oh wow it's drinking time we got like the marching band to come in and like play songs it's like Marshall everything oh wow time to drink is drinking time and it got like a little bit of like kind of passed around it was a fairly successful video for like a very early like try just like making something for the internet and most of the comments like oh cool this is fun and crazy thing of a and I remember one of the comments was and I remember it because it was almost like poetry and how and how like baffling but still like aggressive it was and it was I hate this fat fuck I want to break the brakes off this bitch I barely even understand what that means great are you a car like what there is my gotta break the brakes off that I'm gonna break the brakes off this bitch yeah no no no that's not appropriate don't do that yeah there are negative comments sometimes we are I think out of time I so unfortunately won't be able to get to these other two questions we had too much time with too much fun fucking marrying and killing things so that is our show if you have a question that you would like to ask us hopefully we'll get to it for one but you can ask it on the dropout discord that's available only to dropout subscribers so check that out and yeah hey it's Mike trap you know if you want to talk to the cast and crew here you can at the exclusive dropout discord it's a great place for behind-the-scenes content and if you like behind the scenes check this out |
cracked | why_your_college_application_was_rejected | Pleasure to meet you. I'm Matt, and I possibly ruined your life by rejecting your college application. You probably have a lot of questions. Oh, uh, just one actually. What object here can I use to hit you with? Look, I get it. Not getting into your dream college is sort of like sending a massive, heartfelt love letter to your celebrity crush, only to receive a year-long restraining order in response. It can be a humiliating and frustrating experience, but if you give me a chance, I'd like to explain why I rejected your application.
Judges love to give the impression that the review of your application is some exact science. The reality is anything but that. There's a ton of interesting psychology behind admissions review, similar to judicial leniency in the criminal justice system. Oh, uh, you mean like how judges are more likely to be lenient immediately after lunch and least lenient just before? Oh, and also how if Judge Judy and Judge Dredd had a baby, all crime would be stopped? Exactly. To the first part. It's the same with college. The reviewer's food, internal biases, and all sorts of arbitrary and unknowable factors come into play. It's a human and thus imperfect process, almost entirely outside of your control.
A former admissions officer at an elite Northeastern college admitted that he once failed all the applicants from the city of Buffalo because he'd recently gotten food poisoning at a restaurant there. He admitted he'd be more critical of applicants if his favorite football team had recently suffered a loss.
Even if we're not being petty, I honestly can't say I'm able to give you more than a few minutes of my time. I averaged 10 to 12 applications an hour. These are quick reads, not intended for analysis or feedback like an AP English paper. Five minutes to determine my entire future? I should have gotten more creative with that application.
Everyone said, just send it in on regular paper. Don't fold it into an erotic origami diorama showing Judge Judy and Judge Dredd doing it. I knew I should have gone with my instinct. Yeah, about that.
A lot of applicants send whole loads of completely irrelevant stuff that we never have time to read, like the guy who sent in every certificate he'd ever received since kindergarten. There was literally a certificate for good finger painting in there. He was applying for a master's degree. Another student detailed the contents of his grandmother's poop in his application. He included it as proof that his grandma was sick in the hope of getting special dispensation for bad high school grades. We just passed it around the office after washing our hands. So what are colleges looking for in applications? Because I actually already included several diagrams of my grandpa's poop in that stack, and they are detailed and graphic.
Please know, what we really want to see is authenticity. But even then, remember, we're a school and not your therapist, though we probably charge similar hourly rates. Sometimes students write about things they have never told anyone else, living with hoarders, suffering sexual abuse from a family member, suicide attempts, watching their father shoot themselves, cheating on their significant other, drug use, being attracted to a teacher, you name it. They're probably just searching for an outlet for their pent-up emotions, and I genuinely empathize with that. But none of that will make me more or less likely to reject your application, with one possible exception. I swear to God, though, if you mention Judge Judy and Judge Dredd doing it and or your grandpa's shit, I'm calling security. If you're, say, a kid struggling with depression because your small town is dying and there are no jobs around, or if you're a trans man transitioning at an all-girls private school and you're still performing at a high level academically and socially, a person like that sounds like someone who might actually have the strength, the fortitude, the indomitable, superhuman willpower to actually show up to an 8am class. Uh, would you be willing to reconsider that 8am time slot for my good friend B-Abraham Lincoln and the Washington twins?
Again, let me stop you right there. You can't buy your way into a top university. Let me clarify. You can't buy your way into a top university by bribing me. You're gonna have to talk to someone higher up and buy the school a new building for that kind of quid pro quo.
Yet people still waste their time by throwing cash and camels at me. Camels? Like camels camels? Yeah, a colleague of mine was incredibly once offered ten white camels if this one guy's son was let in. Man, I've never been to a camel meat barbecue.
We declined. Most of the time though, I just deal with parents asking if my decision would change if they made a school donation. It wouldn't. Although one time, a guy whose daughter was rejected just straight-up asked how much he should pay me to get her in. To his credit, at least he didn't try to prostitute his kid to me.
Once, I received a call from a high-level professional calling on behalf of a family friend's daughter. In addition to ensuring me she's intelligent and a great student, he spent a considerable amount of time talking about how attractive and beautiful she is. That's as far as the conversation went, but the implication was super clear and super uncomfortable.
Fine. You don't look anything like Judge Judy or Judge Dredd anyway. Oh, and just one more thing before you leave. Your college application did not get rejected because a person of color or a woman stole your spot. That is simply not a thing.
But in 2008, Abigail Fisher applied to the University of Texas, but was rejected due to, and I'm slightly paraphrasing her here, being whiter than a camel. In her subsequent lawsuit against the school, Fisher alleged that she was denied entry to UT because of their affirmative action policy, which dictates that the school must admit a certain number of minority candidates, even if they're less qualified than the white students. Fisher eventually took her case to the Supreme Court, where she lost, probably because her description of affirmative action is total camel shit.
Alright, so what exactly is affirmative action then? Affirmative action is a broadly defined policy of making good-faith efforts to attract applications from qualified minorities and women. In its most basic form, it can mean simply letting people in minority neighborhoods know that the school exists and that they can get scholarships to attend it. That's it.
There haven't been college minority quotas since the late 70s, thanks to the Regents of University of California v. Bakke case. And you can't award admission points based on race, thanks to the 2003 case of Gratz v. Bollinger. You also definitely can't admit under-qualified applicants above their more qualified white peers, thanks to the 1996 case of Hopwood v. State.
Unfortunately, if you suck, you'll almost certainly lose out to a candidate who does not suck, regardless of race, gender, or camel having. Okay, well now you're just being prejudiced against Americans who suck. And I'll have you know that I come from a long line of Americans who suck. In fact, we immigrated from some sucky island like, like 300 years ago, okay? And I didn't choose this, okay? You know, I just, just because I suck doesn't mean I shouldn't get to go to whatever college I want, and for free, and, and, you know, and suck. |
dropout | the_ch_cast_s_favorite_sketches_of_2017 | My favorite video from this past year was don't eat the laundry pods by zakoyama. It's so weird and I think very funny and beautifully shot. It's also Invariably the one sketch that when I am visiting old friends or meeting people It's always the one they bring up. They're like, man that laundry pod sketch.
What the fuck was that? I loved it And what the fuck was that? I loved it is I guess kind of what we're going for.
So enjoy You up to anything tonight? No, probably just gonna go home and catch up on some laundry. You know someone looked a bunch of free samples of those laundry pods You want to try them out?
Oh, yeah, cool. Yeah, just don't need any. Okay. What nothing is a dumb joke They're kind of brightly colored little gel things kids eat them. Sometimes they're super toxic. Oh, yeah. Yikes. Anyway, uh, have a good night What's to do with these?
Hmm like a big old gusher anyone here or everyone go home Firm pot, I can do you ravioli probably really bad for you. No Be gross. That'd be gross to eat What? Where'd you come from? Ah, that's gross That's probably just kids though, hmm Probably just sick adults Already kind of weak adults. I Can eat you right?
This part's great flavored and this is orange flavored and this is vanilla Got my wallet me too. I forgot my wallet Okay I'm looking for it on this table. Well Grab it here Okay Well, good night. All right So you're saying that with a hundred percent certainty that if I ate a laundry pod, I'd get super poisoned and possibly die Yeah, okay, I got it what if I took a little bite that's not funny I can't I can't I You're just beautiful poison and I know you want it, but I have to go do laundry Goodbye laundry pods Oh Allie wrote my favorite sketch of 2017 which was seven way meet cute I think it's my favorite because I had so much fun on set that day and also my dog was a cast member that day Wetzel kurtovich be on the lookout.
She's gonna be huge someday Sorry, oh no, it was my fault. I'm really coffee before I've had any clumsy. I mean I'm sorry. I'm so coffee.
There's no clumsy. I mean no, it was my fault I Stamped thing I had this locker last year Thanks, oh You have something in your hair Oh Watch asshole. Are you okay? I think so. You're hurt. No, I'm fine here.
Let me Sorry, I didn't even see you there Zach I'm invisible to guys like you. I mean you're so cool Wow, you're beautiful now Oh My guy the blue sword is in one French baguette Hey Yeah Chad Chad Chad or sleep He has You know show him we should date My favorite sketch is guy who returns to Facebook, which is written by Zach I love that sketch because Zach is so good at doing that character and there's this one very like Echolaylically satisfying part where he just keeps repeating the same line over and over.
What do you think about that? What do you think about that and like walking from one end of frame to the other over and over again?
It's so stupid and I love it so much Okay, Grant. I give up.
Tell me The sides up Blake guys, Blake's back. What he's here.
I thought he'd delete this Facebook. I did I deleted my Facebook Just for a little while. I gotta say really put everything into perspective put everything into perspective. What was it like? And you delete your Facebook just for a little while you gain peace like I don't know There's a whole world out there. Like I read books and I saw movies Yeah, but you don't need to delete your Facebook to do that You can just you just do that. It's just like a life without Facebook is a life.
That's pure. Oh, no I just feel like I can't breathe again. Does that make me sound lame? No, kind of not at all. Really? No, it doesn't I guess I am amazing.
You sound so cool. You honestly are so cool right now.
I'm sorry How does leaving Facebook change your life so much one more time? How does leaving Facebook change your life so much one more time? How could leaving Facebook possibly change your life so much one more time? Why does leaving Facebook?
That's a good question Michael trap. Yeah Well, I just feel we're charged like these past nine days have like really changed everything like um, but I haven't meditated. Oh My god, that's on your Instagram account. You know what? It doesn't matter. You're back on Facebook now, right? So I kind of feel like you're just pretending you're better than everyone else Blake oh Like I said, I feel like you're pretending you're better than everyone else like instead of being on Facebook Yeah, me too everything about that.
I just said me too everything about that. Yes. I did it everything about that Yes, I thought about it. Everything about that. I posted the pictures on Facebook everything about that.
Yes Yes, yes, I thought and I've done it The fuck is wrong with you And sure I reactivated my Facebook last week to check on some messages that I thought might be important But I deleted again almost right away. Fuck off. I think it's the best way to put it is that I suddenly feel Enlightened? No, I don't think that just because you deleted like I saw a flood. No, no, no, no, what is that?
Hey, look Blake's back. What a fun cameo.
Well, see you later guys if I called well I guess I did achieve enlightenment by paying off Facebook for a little bit This is bullshit. I guess it's time for me to deactivate my Facebook again. No, Blake. Don't leave us What do we do without your calming spirit? Oh My sweet Katie my sweet grand the thing about my beauty Katie and Grant remember always be on other apps also I'll probably reactivate my Facebook again in a few weeks.
Just make sure I'm not missing out on a cool That's you know, like an outdoor party or like I don't know one of those citywide festivals where it's like a scavenger hunt or something You're not better than me He was too good for our world Katie take three my favorite video of the year is jocks and nerds are both underdogs that trap wrote It's got a big long single take in the middle where trap and I both say the same thing at the same time It took us 28 takes to get right It was 15 takes went by before we even came close to getting it We only really nailed it one time when the video came out There were a bunch of comments saying like oh you can see a hidden cut right here Or you can tell they're not in the same space because they never they never cross each other It's so much harder to like digitally manipulate the image of me next to trap in the same space rather than just say like yeah You two assholes go practice that for a couple hours. I'm super happy with how it came out only in the world of college humor. Am I jockey enough to beat the jock in the video Welcome to Super Bowl 51 in Houston, Texas today's matchup the New England Patriots versus the Atlanta Falcons settle in This is going to be a good one sports I Will never understand why the brainless masses get so worked up over this pointless tribalism me though Uh, I enjoy comic books movies Sprawling space operas, you know intellectual pursuits. It's just too unique to understand the common folk common folk You are the common folk nerd shit is mainstream Your mom can name more Avengers than she can Yankees the truly subversive position is to defend sports No, maybe two years ago But now the backlash to the backlash to sports has lashed back to a backlash to a backlash to a backlash to sports No, I'm a underdog You think your little thing is so cool But it's not and only I'm brave enough to call it out new splash It doesn't have anything to do with the real world You're watching a bunch of millionaires in a fake conflict orchestrated by other millionaires What that's the stupidest way you could describe it It's about the stories in the human struggle people pushing themselves to do incredible things. You call that incredible. I call it dumb You know if you took the time to really learn about the intricacies of this stuff Maybe it appreciated instead you hover at the outskirts criticizing the surface Well, maybe if you didn't use your knowledge the way to belittle me I might feel more encouraged to try your thing out shit. I guess I don't mean to be exclusionary I'm just truly passionate about it It's an easy way for me to relax and escape my life for a little while To make me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and ensure maybe I get caught up in the insignificant details But it feels good to care about something Ha that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
You're an idiot. No, you're an idiot My favorite sketch was Grant's sketch that he wrote and was in called I need more Intel is that hot guy gay It's him and it's Zach in a van eating noodles and oh, I'm sure I think it's great and there's a line in it where Grant says Fucking confusing allies and I think that's so funny because there's so many like allies, you know, but it's like Like how much of an ally are you you know, at least it's not an avocado We'll get something from the bar do you need anything? Oh, I'll take another bourbon extra avocado, right? Yeah Bro are you reading this? bro Copy copy.
I got visual this guy's hot as fuck. I've got to figure out if he's gay But do a scan to see if he has a grinder profile No profiles found check for Adam for Adam and scruff as well. Oh also pull up his Facebook. What's the name Jordan Burns? Is that a gay name Jordan a gay name, you know how they're gay names like David Brian Aaron is Jordan one of those I don't know Here is his Facebook though.
What's his relationship status? He's single doesn't say if he's interested in men or women though That means gay right not necessarily. I mean, you know, maybe he just doesn't like to give out personal information. Hmm Paranoid, okay.
What else there's post gay are his are his post gay, you know Like Disney stuff or tbt of marching band. Maybe he made his profile picture do that rainbow flag thing Couldn't that just mean he's like an ally fucking confusing allies. All right, what do you see? I can only see his public post. He's tagged in a picture of the Simpsons by one of his friends I feel like that's straight. What else do we have mutual friends out of gay dudes? No mutual friends. Damn it What's the Instagram situation?
He's pretty active. Okay, that's gay. What are the pictures? Here's a picture of a nice meal gay Here's a picture of him with his arm around a girl buck. Oh, here's a picture of shirtless with a bunch of other shirtless guys No, that's a red herring. Those shirtless pictures always end up being like a tough mutter or some straight shit like that Send it to me though sending No, it's just his B is so goddamn good wait what enhance vector seven enhancing The waistband he's wearing Andrew Christian underwear gay dudes love Andrew Christian You're looking at his underwear waistband on Instagram. Hey, if he's gonna post a thirst trap picture like this I'm gonna look and you can even tell it's pink pink underwear. He's gay for sure.
That seems a little thin He seems a little thin You're bourbon great. Um, hey speaking of bourbon, uh, would you like to get a drink with me sometime?
Sure great Excuse me So my favorite sketch of this year was definitely Grant is a huge klutz idiot written by Zach Ayama, I love it so much because it's such an accurate depiction of the way that grant lives his life So kind of suave and charismatic most of the time but in reality He is the clumsiest person I've ever met in my life. I have seen him drop an entire bowl of oatmeal face first on the floor So many times he drops so much food To the point where all of the dogs in the office will cluster around his desk because they know that there will be scraps there and it's very very funny You know, I'm right Okay, let's see Oh Jesus it's about my coffee. Oh Boy yogurt on my bottom paper towels.
Nope. I don't know fellas Goodness oh Boy Mondays Grant are you okay? Oh, yeah, I got it Oh What happened Landed in the yogurt he did Slipped in the yogurt. Oh dang Well, I think I'm gonna go take my fourth shower for the day and have another go at breakfast Hey grant Thank you for what Everything I Forgot about my porcelain and slime My favorite video of the year was how tall is Grant by Mike Trapp this video was inspired by one of our top YouTube questions Which is how tall is Grant sometimes? He's like the BFG He's all the way to the sky and sometimes he just seems like a normal relatable dude. We here still have no idea how tall grant is So we're agreed Trapp definitely killed Pat and we need to call the police. Yes. Hey What you talking about nothing? Yeah, just boring stuff Wait a minute How tall is grant? What do you mean?
How tall are you like? I feel like if I look at you like this I can tell that you're clearly taller than everyone else, but Sometimes I feel like you and Katie at the same height You mean how in our videos sometimes they have to frame the camera angle around me No, I mean like in real life like right now Katie even looks like a little bigger than you. He looks pretty tall to me. Wait is Katie taller than Zach? I don't know. Let's see Nope well now hold on that doesn't make any sense Why not because Katie was taller than you but then you are taller than Zach And now Zach is taller than Katie and now it looks like you're taller than everyone else I am taller than everyone. I know that like I know that objectively I'm just saying sometimes it looks like you're not like you're way down here now Maybe it's like a perspective thing, you know, it's like the angle at which you're standing maybe Okay, can we try this can can everyone just move apart from each other? Katie go move next to Grant Now Zach Come on, what the hell does this really matter? I mean who cares how tall Grant is?
Yeah You know what I've been crouching let me just stand up. Oh, okay. Oh Oh, yeah, I'm also crouching. All right.
Oh Me too No, it's just legs It's just crazy spider legs none of this makes any sense. Of course, it makes sense. You're looking at it, right?
Wow, I don't know Okay, trap you're a little too worked up we're gonna put you away for the day what You know, I just don't know what got into him Whoo My favorite sketch from the year was probably Zach's I got no sleep last night Which is a fun and funny sketch that took like a day to rehearse and put this this fight choreography together it was sort of like a Drunken master inspired type sketch as fun as it was to like nail a take and get it, right It was just as much fun to see somebody screw up and like get smacked in the face and the outtake reel is Maybe just as funny to me. A lot of people don't get full nights to sleep Zach. They just fucking do it So if you haven't seen that check out the video and then watch the outtakes Okay, so we push our fingers really carefully together and then just kidding now We don't play by your rules motherfucker. Hey guys, okay Zach you look a little tired.
I am I Got no sleep last night Sorry, thank you. Oh, I mean, it's like I'm gonna need this whole pot to get through the day We can't listen to you tell a story about how you didn't get any sleep. You don't deserve anything for that It's like the most boring conversation imaginable. No, but listen, okay Like I'm starting my bedtime routine. Nothing crazy brush my teeth, etc And I get independence just before midnight and I cannot get comfortable.
That's enough. I don't know what it is. You don't shut up I'm gonna beat your ass and it's like not the thing is it's like not like cramps or like muscle stuff It's just uncomfortable. Does that make any sense? That's it eventually.
I'm like, okay Let's just try the right side and as I'm finally relaxing boom text message It's a group thread it's like people trying to hang out on a Wednesday night sorry guys, you know, I have a day job You know a lot of people don't get a full night sleep sir They just fucking do it and the worst part is when I saw my book. I see what time it is It's 12 45. I'm full of dread at this point. I get up and I get a warm glass of milk Melatonin say Zach. Oh, this is yours by the way. I say Zach You know sleep will come to you everyone Sex are counting. I didn't get enough sleep last night. So I'm back in bed I put on bones a show that I have zero investment in and you know, I'm almost sure it'll put me to sleep Get him What's going on with this episode, you know, it feels like These characters are popping, you know, it's like if CSI were a little more charming and a little more fun Does that make any sense? And at that point I'm up Jeez, I wish I could sleep at work Videos I loved working on in 2017 where the I'm actually is that came out get on the couch getting those nerds to answer those questions Oh baby writing those fucking devious horrible nerdy questions Just really gets that sadistic geek in me off Honestly as much fun as the questions are it's like the banter afterwards Like I still can't believe the scarecrow has a fucking gun in that scene.
The Wizard of Oz go watch the Wizard of Oz The scarecrow has a gun and one of the scenes and it's never addressed.
It's never brought up Think about it From Java to Java nerds are passionate about a lot of things But there's one thing they like more than anything else and that is correcting people. This is um, actually Joining me today Zachoyama good to be here College every cast member Ally Beardsley. Thank you and special guest Nick Monday. Hi I have a stack of statements here These are false statements about the franchise's nearest and dearest to your hearts if you find the thing that's wrong with a statement Buzz in and correct me every correction must be preceded by the phrase Um, actually if you don't answer in the form of an I'm actually you do not get a point Let's get started.
Our first question is about Star Wars shit in order to free young Anakin Skywalker from slavery Qui-Gon Jinn first uses a Jedi mind trick to convince his master Watto Toydarian junk merchant to allow him to podrace That was Nick Monday. Um, actually the Jedi mind trick didn't work on Watto. That's correct. My tricks don't work on Toydarian He had like human beard scruff.
Yeah, I know that was like top of 1998 It's like we don't have a shit for story. But like we got beer. We got beer There was some like computer program is like it's like check it out.
We could put pubes on Watto's shit Lucas was like I am a hundred percent into this Tell me more. Tell me more about the beards. We all have a creepy Lucas.
Yeah The Deathly Hallows are the magical items won by the Peverell brothers from Gellert Grindelwald the Elder Wand the resurrection stone and the cloak of invisibility Exactly. Yama. Um, actually they don't win it from Grindelwald you are correct there. Can you be more specific? they Instead created it. No, they would be more specific. Oh, actually they stole it. No No, I'm actually they want it from death. That's correct. Oh, yeah, they win it from death himself Not Gellert Grindelwald man. Hence the name the Deathly Hallows.
I didn't like that movie I'm a nerd, but I'm not like a like an epic nerd Let's be hard to go back to normal life after you meet death, right? They have the primer of being magical people probably I Guess I mean, I guess it's a good point way weirder for me to meet death then for the guys who teleported shit You think they'd be like they mean doesn't look like one of them just like that was pretty weird. It's like Normal but I saw a mermaid. Yeah, but death was also like hey, are you gonna cross this river?
I'm like, no, just go around. Oh, you tricked me. Okay. Here's this crap Like this shit death was trying to get rid of it's like I don't want to go on Craigslist and have to like It'll be a whole thing just whoever wants this Free Deathly Hallows. They're on the curb just come around.
Here's a picture of them Well, not a picture of the invisibility cloak, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's my show. I can do what I want Moving on to question three. This is our first shiny question shiny questions Just like shiny Pokemon are worth the same amount of points are basically the same. They're just slightly different and a little rarer Spelling bee I was spelling in English is hard enough But spelling in world of fantasy is much more difficult Lots of crazy vowels and consonants and apostrophes everywhere for this question. The um, actually rule is waived your word is John Jones Could I ask the franchise of orange you can't Justice League among me? Um, actually cuz I'm just being careful.
Sure. I don't trust you. Sure. Great.
J apostrophe. Oh Nn J apostrophe.
Oh and Z You are so close. You are very close.
The correct spelling is J apostrophe. Oh and and J Apostrophe.
Oh and Z Z You're so close This goddamn show crazy. It feels like intentionally difficult. I can't believe how close you got I can't believe you just repeat the same thing So close I wish I could give you that point In the game Pokemon use of the moonstone can evolve your Clefairy into a Clefable your jigglypuff into a piglypuff Or your Jiggly put them actually It evolves your jigglypuff into a wiggly tough. That is correct. Jigglypuff evolves into wiggly tough Pigly buff would be a stupid name I moved schools right when Pokemon got big so I was like the new kid and Really into Pokemon and no one at this new school was so I came to school with a full deck of cards in my pocket I was like Put the Pokemon cards up put the pogs out and then ready to go.
It wasn't even pogs. It was like motocross and Dnd has a lot of monsters that have been drawn directly from European folklore such as the cobalt goblin orc and troll But also has several monsters unique to D&D such as the Tarasque or the fearsome Grell Allie's going home actually the Tarasque is called trash because this game sucks That is incorrect Actually, the Grell is not Exclusively from D&D. No, that's incorrect. The Grell is is it is unique to D Shot Um, actually the trash isn't unique to know that one dance In fact also there the orc is not drawn from European The orc was invented whole cloth by JRR Tolkien Which is crazy to think about like orcs did not exist before Tolkien was like I'll put these in Into Middle-earth and like they're everywhere like I get it cuz it's like a orc is just a better goblin That's basically true. They're like, what if we made goblins better and everyone's like, yeah Why isn't JRR Tolkien's family suing the shit out of every fantasy? Way to be good at business idiot. Yeah in Lord of the Rings actually every time it says orc There's a little registered trademarks What's wrong this is what's wrong with that picture just a moment here we're gonna put a picture on the screen It'll tell us what is wrong with it Zach I'm actually Nicole Kidman is not in that movie.
Nope Actually Val Kilmer stars in that movie, I'm sorry It took me so long to realize that cuz Val Kilmer so fucking rad And we should all be ashamed of ourselves. That's correct Val Kilmer is in the movie But the poster says it's George Clooney. This is not of the George Clooney Batman That is a killer nice and that is the only thing wrong with any of this It's not the worst thing ever.
Someone's like, hey, what was 1994? Like here you go. What's Batman forever? We should just put that in a time.
Yeah, you could also tell about that poster. It's like hey There's this new software called Photoshop. It's really cool. No at first glance.
I thought this was his car They're just put the car in twice, but no that's his arm Life skills Our last question as always concerns real life skills bleach is a versatile and powerful cleaner that can be mixed with Windex to remove mildew mixed with laundry detergent to whiten clothes and Mixed with warm water to brighten and polish glass dishware. Um, actually you cannot mix bleach with Windex. It causes like a Noxious gas that is correct Windex contains ammonia if you mix bleach and ammonia it creates chloramine gas which Can burn your throat? Make nauseous burn your eyes kill you. So do not mix bleach with Windex.
Thanks, mom Let's take a look at that final scoreboard Monday our new champion Then bring it out That's it for our show if you notice anything that I said that was factually incorrect and you want to correct me tweet at the Handle below be sure to tweet your correction in the form of an um, actually if you're the first person with the correct correction I will give you a point. It's not worth anything, but it is a point join us next time for the game of nerdy corrections I'm actually I'm like trapped.
Bye My favorite sketch of this year was I can't decide what my last meal should be written and starring the magnificent and brilliant Katie Maravich I got to direct this piece too And so it was a lot of fun seeing Katie play this character That's just completely unglued when she came out of makeup She had these bags under her eyes and she just kind of looked Insane now what a lot of people don't know is that that's the true Katie So when you watch this sketch just know that that's what we have to deal with on a daily basis Enjoy and pray for us Have you decided on your last meal no not yet Well, you need to choose before you're executed times running out I just don't know what I want, you know, I just don't know what I'm in the mood for just pick something I've always loved like a really good seafood paella fish little shrimps But it takes like an hour to make so never mind come on, uh, how about chicken chicken, did you say chicken chicken? Don't kiss that but how would the chicken be prepared any way you want? Oh What if I have like the best chicken in the entire world that would be so delicious What does that even mean where would we find that you're right good point it's so subjective chicken being the best Oh, how about a really good omelet? No, keep going hash brown. No some sausage That's more of a breakfast breakfast is good all the time I just don't really feel like I don't want it look I can't do my job until you decide you're holding everyone up Oh, I know. I really have trying What about a full buffet and then I can have a little bit of everything no, we're not gonna make you a buffet How about a pastrami sandwich and potato pancakes?
Oh my god. No, I have that every Freaking night what last night? How'd you get that? I'm friends with the cook Rick Hey, have you ever seen a dead body? Well, I've seen 50. How about a lobster? Huh?
That's so much money I don't want to put the taxpayers out like that hands hands and sorry Jesus Christ. Will you just hurry up? I Just don't know I really don't know and I don't want to make you mad again Okay, how about you just surprise me?
Okay, and then I will have whatever you have a little chef's choice of a meal fine Then you're gonna have the traditional last meal steak eggs hash browns and toast Shut up about breakfast. Ooh What about a grilled cheese and tomato soup? That's a classic that does sound good, but here's the thing Cheese makes my stomach hurt.
You're literally gonna die right after what does it matter if you have a tummy? Do you know what? I just realized if I had just ordered the seafood paella would be it would be done already and I'd be eating it Just pick something. What if I go vegan for my last meal without score me some points. No, absolutely not How could it you shot all 50 members of the Johnson family at their family picnic last summer hands hands hands? Good point. Plus, I don't know if I'm ready to commit to a vegan diet for the rest of my life This is your last meal. You're gonna be dead. Yeah, you're right. Now is not the time to experiment Maybe please just choose you're running out of time And I'm gonna have to give you the exact same thing that all the other inmates are Are having today? Yeah, that's fine Really yeah, are you sure You're gonna eat it Oh, I'll eat all of it promise Pinky no pinky.
Okay, five feet five feet Now that's a nice meal So my favorite video that we did this year was written by zack it's called how to fill an awkward amount of time I like it because it's something that literally everybody can relate to Um, but also this sketch feels like it could be a movie Like it's something that I want to be real and also something that i'd like to see more of No, you don't get it. I if I go home. I'll just have to turn right back around when I get there I just I don't have enough time to do anything Sounds like someone has an awkward amount of time Whoa, honey. I'll call you back Get in here We understand that in the real world time is a commodity and you don't always have enough of it That's why we offer everything you could ever need when you just have like an awkward amount of time on your hands Do you have chargers? Yeah, we got iphone, ipad, android, akbook We got you covered. Whoa. We also know you may not want to eat a whole meal, but you probably want to eat like a little something We have light snacks like chips or cookies all the way up to heavier snacks like sliders, but again No full meals not here, but there's no pressure to order anything. I mean we're not a cafe We're the awkward amount of time station. Hey, I am just a little hungry Do you have super nice bathrooms with stalls that reach all the way to the floor so that you can shit in peace? Yeah Nice What more could I ask for how about a movie theater that only plays 45 minute long movies have fun everyone Don't do anything. I wouldn't do need to take a phone call with your headphones on while pacing in a small area We got you covered Rather just sit in your car. That's fine, too. We have a designated parking lot You'll never have to explain that you're not actually leaving your parking spot and that you're definitely not a creep. It's just understood here Thinking when I like it here for another 30 45 minutes Yeah, awkward amount of time station because what else are you gonna do? Hey, uh, is it possible for me to get a room for the night?
Okay, the fuck out. Sorry. They don't do that All right |
TheOnion | Hollow_Point_Bullets_Recalled_That_Fail_To_Explode_Targets | The nation's leading manufacturer of ammunition, Steel Hawk Incorporated, announced a massive recall today of jacketed hollow point bullets, which may not properly shred the internal organs of victims. When functioning normally, the tip of a hollow point bullet shatters into fragments, then cuts a wide and jagged path through the tissue and bone of its target. But due to a factory error, nearly 100,000 bullets with solid points were shipped to retail stores, resulting in a greatly reduced capability to explode flesh.
Steel Hawk CEO John Cullen announced the recall at a press conference this morning. At Steel Hawk, nothing is more important to us than the complete satisfaction of our customers when they maim or kill.
Some of these defective bullets can leave an exit wound as small as a plum. That is unacceptable. According to information released by Steel Hawk, the first notice about the defective bullets came from a man who shot and killed his brother during an altercation at a county fair and was disappointed that the victim's face remained, quote, more or less intact. Frank Ehrman was among the hundreds of other dissatisfied customers.
You know, you spend good money for a hollow point bullet, you expect it to explode ahead in the guise of blood and brains. You know, if I wanted to kill someone without destroying the body, I'd use a hammer. To address complaints like these, the company is also offering discount coupons for its newest product, inferno bullets, which start a small fire inside of someone when you shoot them. We understand that when our customers shoot a man, they want to see his liquefied organs pour out of every hole in his body. Give us another chance, we'll give you the lung shredding as bullets on the market.
Still, the effort might not be enough for many customers.
Those people over at Steel Hawk ought to be shot in the face and from their families. Many gun owners have said the recall has been so frustrating, they will no longer use bullets, returning to more low-tech methods like beating victims with spiked clubs or dragging them behind their cars. |
cracked | movies_that_conveniently_forgot_their_own_rules | Six forgotten plot points.
We're horrifying Executive vice president of nagging industries you truly are incorruptible in other news Officials at the Pacific nuclear research facility have denied the rumor that a case of missing plutonium was in fact stolen from their vault two weeks ago A Libyan terrorist group had claimed responsibility. Oh my god They found me. I don't know how but they found me If these Want to nuke Taiwan any time in the century they better shape up and show me one million dollars Go nichika you young lady had an job in Taiwan the checker lawyer, but man for there what we generally do in this country Is one guy brings the items and the other guy Pays him. What did you do with the real microprocessors Frank? microprocessors. Oh Yeah Incorporation that hired us. They won't accept failure What will you do with nothing, but I can't speak for global engineering That's all the menace of the community. I'm taking him to the sheriff and make sure he's destroyed I'll be coming back for you We've got to get away Oh But anyway, we're home |
dropout | every_7_seconds_job_interview | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible.
Right? Streeter. Yes. Welcome. I'm Roger. This is Christine. How are you? Welcome to Schultz and Dash. Thank you. It says here you went to Quendalton State University. Mm-hmm.
I myself went to the Wisconsin School of Ass. I majored in naughtyness. Christine here was my professor.
Yeah. Quendalton State. No blue. They have a great business program. They sure do.
Now, what makes you think you'd fit well inside me? I'm sorry? What makes you think you'd be a good fit with this company?
Oh, well, I've always been interested in finance. Ever since I was a little kid, had a piggy bank, you know. I mean, I've always found comfort in the stability of math.
I guess you could say there's safety in numbers. The sense of humor is important. Yeah. Oh, my God.
Something wrong? No, I'm a little nervous, that's all. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Well, who else would he be hard on? Hard on me, hard on you. Hard on.
I'm very interested in the job. I have a question about the health benefits, though. Mr. Naismith, you wanted the names of the clients in this afternoon's meeting. And for me to put water all over my tight white shirt.
Yes, that's right, Bonnie. Glom Industries, Mandel Leather Company, Mayrec Shipping, Ditch Cam. Thanks, Bonnie. No problem, sir. Streeter, I think you're going to be perfect for the job. Really? Absolutely. Thank you. Um, let's talk salary. |
TheOnion | How_To_Suck_Your_Drain_Clean_With_Your_Mouth_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | My drain has been clogged for days. I tried using liquid drain cleaner, but it didn't work. Can you help? Okay, this is a very common household problem and today I'm going to show you how to solve it without using nasty chemicals or calling a plumber. First I'm going to go through three common mistakes that people make when dealing with a clogged drain. A lot of people buy expensive chemical drain uncloggers, liquid plumber or Drano, but these are just inert gel and they won't unclog anything. The entire drain clearing business is a scam. Don't be a sucker. A lot of people that don't consider themselves handy around the house will call a plumber. Plumbers simply can't be trusted with your valuables. A lot of people just don't deal with their clogged drain. They just let it pile into the overwhelming misery that is their lives. You're a grown adult, self-respect, don't let a clogged drain ruin you.
To clear the drain I've got about one yard of one inch diameter thick reinforced rubber tubing. Use white silicon tubing, rubber latex tubing, but reinforced rubber is the best. You want to put the tubing into the drain until you meet resistance. Okay, and I'm going to siphon what's blocking the drain and then let gravity do the rest. Alright, it looks like marbles were blocking our drain, but it should be good now. Well, it looks like something else is blocking the drain, so let's just go back to earlier steps and repeat them.
Ooh, smells like that's been down there for a while. Oh, this is a tough nut to crack. Ooh, get out of here, sucker.
Great, the drain's clear. Now, let's dispose of this gunk safely.
Okay, well, don't forget to like the video, comment, share it with your friends, like us on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, post us on Squidpod, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Blogspot, and all the others. Bye bye. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jared_logan | Give it up for Jared Logan. Do you say excuse me or pardon me when you try to get by somebody? Excuse me or pardon me? What do you say? Excuse me. Excuse me? And that is what you should say. Do not say pardon me. I for some reason was raised to say pardon me. Don't say it. It's too formal. When I say pardon me, on the train I get all these dirty looks like pardon me. Fuck you little Lord Folter away. Pardon me. Like they act like I just said pardon me. Which is not what I said.
They act like I just said would everybody born out of wedlock please stand alongside. Would all plebeians please form a corridor to the world's fanciest man. Do you know who my father is?
I have like a little scepter out of the way mudbloods. Top chef is on in a half hour.
I went and visited a buddy of mine. I went and visited a friend at his apartment. I had never been to his apartment before.
And the first thing I look at is someone's bookshelf or DVD shelf. Right? And I love it when you look at someone's bookshelf and it's the books that they own are The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, A Separate Piece, Where the Red Fern Grown. Oh this person has very specific tastes. This person is really into required reading. This guy loves reading as long as it's mandated by an authority figure.
Do you like Oprah here? Well you're wrong because she sucks. I don't like her. Here's why I don't like her.
No. No man.
Here's how I like her. Oprah, she's so chanceless. She's this woman of the people. Meanwhile, she is so rich, there's no way she can in any way know what you're going through. I did the research. It takes seven Donald Trumps to equal one bowl of Oprah. I think if Oprah's show was the way that she wanted it to be, it would be like today on Oprah.
When doorman don't move fast enough.
But I saw her interview Tom Cruise one time and it was at his castle in Colorado. He has a castle and they were, she was interviewing him. At the end of the interview, they walk out onto this balcony over these majestic mountains and Oprah actually says this to Tom Cruise. She looks at him and she goes, Tom, I wish you all the peace of these mountains. What are you talking about? She's so rich, she starts talking like she's the Lord of the Rings.
Tom, I wish you all the sorrows of the well of no more bombs. Guys, until the rest of the show. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_pee_quirks | And then on top of all that, my doctor told me my hindsight's 20-80. Wow. Dude, I'm so sorry. God, you guys, I'm so embarrassed right now.
Your haircut doesn't look that bad. It'll grow back. I'd get a haircut.
Right. Awkward. I was in the bathroom, just peeing, you know, and then out of nowhere, Jeff Rubin comes in and stands at the urinal right next to me. Hey, what's up? Once you walked in, I just, I couldn't pee anymore. I froze up.
I hate when that happens. It's a classic case of stage fright. It happens to the best of us.
Really? It's not me. I'm actually a complete opposite.
I need, like, four people around me. I need, like, a party atmosphere.
Aw, thanks, guys. I'm almost done. Have some of the guac. I made it for all of you. Hey! Man! Those are some great pee parties, man. Thanks, guys. I need so much. David, what about you?
Oh, I usually can't get anything out unless I'm face-to-face with someone and we're staring at each other, you know, straight into each other's eyes. Yeah, no way.
Me too. Thank you for doing this. I'm almost done. Me too.
Hey, Street. You got any pee quirks? Uh, yeah. Oof! What do I need? Hey, look at your dick. Whoa. Kind of like Gloria Estefan. I mean, he's normally got to get through at least half of Robin Williams' 2002 Broadway special before I can even start peeing. Wow. That is so sweet of Josh. I know in your bladder. That probably takes up half his day. Yeah.
I mean, I've tried it with others, but the impression's just never quite good enough, you know?
There you go. Aw, it's not working. Come on, Sam. What are we gonna do? I don't know. Do one of his characters or something. Do more. All right, that's everything about you, Dad. What do you got for us? Come on, man.
Just totally just hate it like that, okay? It's not cool. Okay, fine. Fine.
Jesus Christ. I can only pee when Streeter, Jake, Vinnie, David, and yourself are talking about our various pee quirks a few feet away from my desk. And Sarah and Jeff are playing catch. So that means... Finally! |
dropout | Death_By_Space_Troopers_Animated | Commander. General Crimson, what is the report from the front lines? Our elite troopers were successful. As expected. But sustained heavy damage. Such is the price of war.
Send them to the infirmary at once. Secure in the knowledge they have earned my gratitude. At once, Commander. Um, sir. General, I trust our heroes have recovered. That's just it, sir.
It would seem that the door to the infirmary is in fact to outer space. So the troopers are not alive anymore. They're dead because of the whole space thing.
What? How could this have happened? I demand that you investigate. Very well. You wouldn't have wanted them dead, would you, sir? What are you implying? It's just that perhaps it's more expedient for you to kill them than to heal them. General, I am aghast. But if you feel I must be investigated as well, then take this matter to the impartial investigation committee. At once, Commander.
So about my paycheck. Oh, yeah, of course. You could pick it up at accounts payable. Mr. Sinister, sir, I don't want to sound suspicious, but accounts payable is one of the very doors I made into outer space.
Dominic, you clever fox. You got me. There you are.
These are gift shop credits. Do spend them all in one place. How does it? The gift shop is now a room that turns people inside out.
Excellent work, Dominic. Sebastian. Who's Dominic?
You're working with my brother. Not anymore. That's an ominous response, but no matter how's about my paycheck. You can pick it up at accounts payable. I see no issue with that.
Mr. Dreadlord, sir? Yes? I reckon this isn't my place to say, but there are some vicious rumors floating around that you're shooting troopers into outer space and turning them inside out. And I think I speak for all of us when I say this is bad for morale. I see. Why don't you go find some morale with this 30 credit coupon to the Dread Spa? I'm not really the spa type. I insist. Hm. I ain't finishing no spa until you tell me what happened to my brothers. |
dropout | Mom_Disappointed_In_Son_Again_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
Hi from the studio, I'm Kippy! Oops, sorry, didn't get that last part. What was it? KIPPY! One more time! KIPPY! Out of the gate, complete disaster. Wild. Thanks, Kippy!
I'm clearly new here. Tonight's top story is Hot Balls. That's right, that's right! Insane. I think if I laugh, I can get rid of it. Wait, Amy, just go like this. I know.
Did you try?
This show is keeping me from breaking. Can we start over? No, that's not how this works. We absolutely can't start over, you have to say the words on the screen. That's right.
These weird little grapes can do all sorts of dumb shit. From making us sad to making us horny, and guess what? What? Even cows have them! What? Cows get horny?
A-rooga! A-rooga, indeed!
Turns out, since the inception of man, we've always had those little slimy C-spheres in our shitty heads. Some people watch movies with them, others watch birds. And the birds watch them. What? It's a two-way street. We've got eyes, birds have eyes. Bada-bing. No, it can't be. Birds have eyes.
We now go live to our field reporter and resident tree expert, tree reporter, Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou? Thanks for asking, clearly, but I think you meant where-fur-art-thou. That's a tree pun for those of you tree enthusiasts out there. Oh, all two of you?
No, no, I'm done. I know.
Today's a special widdle day for all our twees here in this widdle field. Because it's every tree's first birthday. Or should I say, birch day.
You shouldn't.
That's right. One year ago today, we planted ten kinds of trees right here in this very field. And I'm going to list them right now.
Great job, Romeo. We have a list right here and everything you said was true, even the last one. The fruits really saved you at the end there. I remembered halfway through that every fruit has got its own kind of tree. Yeah, I was pretty confident. Really said it with my chest. Nut.
Enough of that bullshit! Truly insufferable.
We now have a wonderful little treat for our audience tonight, a little hometown segment with our very own, clearly new here's, Mother. What the fuck? We now go live to Mama new here, Mama. Thanks, Kippy! And watch your shitty little mouth, piss boy. You may be too old to call your hot mama, but you're never too old for a spanking.
Mama. What? Mama. What? Mama.
I remember this one time clearly was about nine or thirteen and he ran into the room just absolutely covered in butter. I mean, sopping wet, head to naked toe in a hard cow cream, you see or you feel? And he runs into the room and he tries to stop, but a mix of inertia, milky lubricant, and the sins of his ancestors made it so he kept slipping and sliding right out the door. Didn't see him for two days or years. One of the two.
I told you that if you told that story ever again, I'd spank you. And I told you if you laid one hand on these matronly buns, I'd get you arrested for grand larceny, you little pervert. Wow. You can really feel the tension in here.
That's my thing. I already did that. Oh, sorry. I should've said achoo-ga. We gotta wrap this up. But before we do, mama, did you have any other embarrassing things to share? Oh, of course.
My little son, okay, he was always, he's always, he's always big into meat. I couldn't get my son off the meat as a kid. The first time I spooned it into his mouth, it was pureed meat when he was a baby. And that's how he grew so huge. He couldn't stop himself from eating meat.
And then one day, I get a call from the school principal, they said, Mrs. New Year, I said, what is it? And they said, it clearly has gotten into the meat trough again. And I said, no, I told him he can't go in there. And then they said, they said, he knew that, but he got the keys, he'd got the keys, he broke into the locker room, he went into the meat trough, and he's got himself doused in meat. And I said, well, I'm tired of this. Sorry, let me double back on part of this. So there's a locker room at your child's school with a meat trough. It's you!
Baby need that meat.
Did you not know the bit is that she's your mom? What? She's my mom. I'm his mom.
I'm clearly new here. Yes, that's what the viewers want, a deep dive into the- This is the lore.
The world's logic. What is the world's logic? What is the world building up this 40 years?
That's clearly new here's mama. And my son goes, my wife's son, my wife's son loves meat. He went to an elementary school with a gym locker room with a meat trough.
I screwed in his mouth, pureed, Gerber baby pureed, into his newborn mouth. I couldn't press feed.
Reminder for all our breaking news fans out there, we depend on you guys to update the breaking news Wiki where we explore all of the character of the ongoing storyline of this show. Thank you so much for all your hard work. Well, I'm glad we settled that. Before we go, we have to announce that our loser this week is me. Thanks for watching everyone. Thanks for watching.
That face failed me too many times, that is a betrayal of a face. Holy shit. Hi, I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big stupid idiot.
If you like that video, you can go to hell and then you can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. For every episode of breaking news that's here, there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.
Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Brian. |
cracked | why_donald_trump_vs_the_press_is_must_watch_tv_after_the_trump_5 | Cody Johnston. Alex Schmidt. Katie Stoll.
Guys, Trump versus the press. What an episode. Let's get right into it. Finally, yeah. In a season where we've had a lot of enemies and cramming a lot into an episode, it was nice that this one was razor focused on just two main events really that are just on the theme Trump is going to war with the press.
We had his rally, and we had the CPAC day with speeches from Bannon and Trump, and it was just finally Bannon. Finally Bannon. Finally Bannon speaks.
Yes, because you theorized previously that he was just a figment of Trump's imagination. I had a bold theory that he was like a ghost or like one of those imagined makeups. Yeah, like a secret makeup of sort of character that only Trump could see because he was just so like clownishly evil and spooky that I thought it was like pockmarked and his skin is falling off his face. Right, if there was a person like that talking to the president that was like, I think you should go to war with the press. Someone else in the administration would be like, get that, get that monster down.
Yeah. No, but we finally saw him. He's really, he's interacting with people. Yeah.
Yeah, he touched, he touched Preetis's leg. He even touched Preetis's leg. He touched Preetis's leg.
I like it. That was a funny moment in an otherwise like pretty heavy episode where he was like, I'm going to give you a little rub there. Well, I think that it does give Preetis to a lot of the theories that he is the puppeteer and that he might actually be the person. And I'm a little bit disappointed because it feels somewhat obvious. It's sort of like, you know how you always want a zombie movie where they're humans who are familiar with the concept of zombies already. You know, like this is a Hitler show where they're already familiar with the concept of Hitler. Yeah. It's amazing. Like to see people just know it right away and yet so many people don't. And like you can't stop it.
Like even with the fake news stuff, he keeps saying fake news, fake news, fake news. That's directly from history with Hitler like referring to Lugan press and like the lying press. Yet, I don't think it was on purpose for him. It seems like he stumbled upon it. I think we're going to find out that he's not trying to do Hitler stuff maybe. Exactly. Because like when he's telling newspapers that they can't come to the White House press briefings, I don't think he's doing that to really suppress the media. I think he's like got a child's idea of a con where it's like, you can't come, you're not allowed in here.
I'm doing a rally where all my friends clap for me. You can come to that if you want. Write about that. Would you write about that for your website?
I like that the show found a way to have him do speeches again. Oh, thank God. Because that was some of the highlights of last season, these rambling, aimless speeches in this very, like these big monologues that you would give in this very specific language and I thought, those are going to go away or we're going to have a whole show about him. It's some of the best writing on the show because it is equal parts bananas and brilliant in how bananas are going to go. And I don't think that the fans or the writers could let go of that. Because like any actual president would spend most of their time going to meetings and dealing with laws, right? And this show is showing us a president who just does speeches, which wouldn't be believable, but it's so compelling the way he does it.
We accept him. We let it go. It makes sense for him. Yeah. I like that a lot.
And he's really doubled down on fake news and the media is the enemy of the people. They're the opposition party. I love that he's doing this because the media is such a powerful empire and we're either going to see them strike back at him or he takes him down, like like he's starting. If you track the entire show so far, Trump shows up on the scene and he targets Republicans, all of them. One by one.
Get rid of Rubio. Get rid of Jeb Bush. Get rid of all these ridiculous characters. He targeted the Republican Party, got rid of them. Then real election targeting the Democratic Party, destroyed them all.
And now who's he targeting? He's targeting the press. He's going to take care of them. So I'm more interested, like I know that he'll do it, you know, I'm more interested in who's he targeting next.
I mean like he's got a site set on the media and that leads to totalitarian state really. I mean all of my favorite shows, the way they stay fresh is by like blowing up their show from time to time. Archer, Crazy Ice Girlfriend, these are just shows that like aren't afraid to pull some kind of cord that just says, well now the show's different. So the show about government that we've been watching for so long, now suddenly it's this completely different, it's not democracy anymore. And isn't that interesting? Right. And I wouldn't want to see the other show. Because as a fan, it's really exciting to see them promising to make that kind of a big move because they're having him say that the fake news are ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, The New York Times and the LA Times, which is like, I mean, if you get rid of that, it's a media-less country. It's a really fascinating world we'll be in.
Bannon, Trump, The Spice Man, we're all against the press. Spice Man is yelling at the news, he's having a press conference and he's banning people, banning different organizations from going into the White House, which is like, I mean, I don't, I'm not really a politics guy, but we haven't done that in our history, right? As far as I know, we haven't, you know, when they also, and I really loved how they intercut that with the scene where Trump's at CPAC and talking about how he doesn't actually hate the media, he's just being misquoted, he wouldn't shut people out. And then at the same time, in another place, they're shutting out The New York Times and the LA Times and these other, and it's like, it's like in The Godfather where they're showing the wedding and the murder at the same time, going back and forth. It's just perfect storytelling. I believe in the First Amendment the most of anybody. He's going to be doing press briefings that are just for Breitbart and like Trump is my dad dot com.
It's also nice, any time I see an actor doing that big of a buffoon or big of a villain, it tends to be the actors who are actually very intelligent, serious, kind people. So it's really nice to know that whoever's playing him is probably an amazing human being.
Right. Totally. I kind of want to see what he really does with unchecked power, which is what I think this season is about. It does seem to be.
I want to give them a chance to do that because I think it'll be really fascinating to watch what happens, even if it doesn't make any sense. The other thing that he keeps doing is discrediting people for using anonymous sources and yet he himself is seen using it through the White House with those scenes where he's saying, like, you can call the press, but you have to be anonymous and cooperate my story. I think he might be setting himself up for a fun thing because he says no more anonymous sources if you're going to report something, you need a source, you need a name attached to it. And he's the president, so I don't know how it works in the universe, but what if he makes that law and then he finds out he's going to have a day where he reads anonymous source was Kelly Ann.
Guys, thanks for joining us. Make sure you tweet at, after the Trump with what your bull takes are. And we'll see you next time. Hashtag bull take in the wire.
They had a guy who was doing fake news and he was like, it's in my notes. And he always carried around a notebook.
And then at the end they caught him because a lady was like, their pages are blank. So what if all of them, everyone pages is blank.
Um, Hey everybody. Thank you for watching that. Um, I have a really hard time doing these, uh, and play things where I tell you to like it, subscribe, because I just did a fake version of that for the, the show that you just watched. Uh, and I'm, I'm out tanks dry. So. |
dropout | adam_ruins_collegehumor_adam_ruins_everything | Okay, I have a pitch. The woman who treats her car like a little baby boy. That's not even mean, Katie. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
Is it? Hey gang! Hello! What brings you to the office? You miss all the hilarious fun that comes with making internet sketch comedy? Actually, I've been watching the videos and they're really bad! What? No. What? Even daddy's day? Thank you.
Studies show that college humor peaked when I was on the site and has steadily declined in quality ever since. Okay, that's rude, Adam. Also, this is just your opinion. It's not actual research. That's where you're wrong, Allie. See? I have this beautiful graph to back me up. This can't be real data. On the contrary.
Polls indicate overwhelming preference for when I was College Humor's breakout star. What polls? Polls of whom? You there! What do you think of the current College Humor cast?
I like them. Are you sure? They don't have me anymore. You're right. You suck. This doesn't prove anything. You asked one person and used a classic strawman tactic. Okay, Adam. Two can play at this game. You know, I was on the cast when you were here and it was commonly known that you were a smarmy jerk who was hard to work with.
And why don't I have graphics? Where are my graphics?
Nice try, Trapp. Actually, it's commonly known that you talk a big game, but never deliver on anything. What? No, this Grapp is hogwash. Look, we all know that Trapp is a dud, but the rest of the cast is so good. Take Grapp, for example. Everyone loves Grapp. Studies show that Grapp is a klutz idiot. That's just your opinion, and a mean one at that. Actually, Adam is right.
This is noted Grant O'Brien expert, Grant's mom. Hi, Mommy. Hello, Mrs. Grapp.
I love Grant and Mom, but he is a stone-cold dummy. He couldn't wear shirts with buttons until he was almost 13, because he thought the buttons were candy. He once fell up a flight of stairs. Grant is always doing something dumb, like he is right now.
I think I sat in yogurt again. I sat in yogurt.
You see? Alright, listen, Adam, you gotta stop. Fame has changed you, man. I mean, this whole opinion-based journalism is completely antithetical to your show. If you want to ruin something, you should stick to the facts.
Huh. I guess you're right, Trapp. Yeah. I should stick to the facts. That's right. Like, for example, it's a fact that Mike Trapp is the former head writer of College Humor Originals. Yeah, that's right. And it's a fact that I should have been the head writer, but everybody said I would have been too good at the job.
I hate this. This sucks. I hate talking to you.
Why did you even come here? Oh, I left my good charger. Here it is. That actually makes a lot of sense. I miss you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | 02_10_20 | Hello Errol. Hello Clancy, how are ya? Alright mate, alright mate, good to have our little fuck good. Don't believe that for a second. Well, yeah. Wendell. I'm a little bit hungover. And we've got our young fella back here. Wendell Hussey, the news reader, the Kay McGrath of the Diamond Tender Shire. I've said it before, how are ya mate? Very well, thanks boys. Great to be back in the booth after a week off. How was football Douglas, was it?
Sensational, yeah. Got up there, as I said to Errol before, got the jet ski out, got the fishing rod out. Real regional man's holiday up there. Sensational. Beautiful. And the show today is brought to you by the kings of Australian swimwear.
Budgie Smuggler. Yeah, whether you need some smugglers or smug-lets for your team, event mates or self, or you need masks to keep you COVID free, Budgie Smuggler has got you sorted.
That's right. Don't punish the world with shin-swingers like some sort of, you know, sixteen year old schooly. Get yourself some smugglers in time for summer. And do it with the code BETOOTA. You know how to spell it. To get yourself free express shipping. That's right. Join BETOOTA when you get to the order page on budgiesmuggler.com.au and get kitted out for summer. Now, what have we got up first today?
Well, we'll start off with a breaking national story and that is Scotty from marketing offers every aged care resident a scratchy in the wake of these damning Royal Commission findings. Yes, following revelations that the federal government's actions were insufficient to ensure the aged care sector was prepared for the COVID-19 outbreak, Scotty from marketing has responded in trademark style, rolling out nationwide scratchy gifts for all those in aged care facilities. Apparently he wanted to give them all a donut king cinnamon donut as well, but you know, because of budget constraints and the fact that Scott Morrison's a bit of a tight ass, it just wasn't possible. Yeah, it's still a nice touch, I think. And you never know, dollar might turn into 10 grand for some of these elderly residents.
And moving along to another national story now, sandstone unis have called for a government stimulus package of 250,000 Chinese kids in designer wear. Yeah, that's right, Wendell, the university sector is in trouble and they're calling for urgent support from the federal government, despite the fact they've spent the past 20 years turning themselves into, you know, private businesses who only seem to care about profit. Yes, with the international students off the table, their business model is broken and instead of refocusing on their traditional role of providing quality education, universities are instead demanding a government stimulus package of 250,000 Chinese kids in expensive kit to see them through the pandemic. The government has not indicated whether or not they'll be able to provide the universities with even a foxtel sized bailout at this point.
So we'll just wait and see what happens there. Moving over to the United States this week, and there was a bit going on with the presidential debate giving us a haunting insight into how incompetent the 328 million other Americans must be. There's been plenty of fallout from that spectacle that was the first US presidential debate. Three old colleges just going at it for 90 minutes left the world wondering just how they managed to narrow the nation of 328 million down to Trump and Biden.
I didn't mind it Clancy, I thought it was great to see a bit of, you know, lively action. Hopefully next time the boys step away from the podiums and they shape up. That's what I want to see. Let the boys play.
And there was a comment on that story from James Musgrave who said, for all their grand posturing America still hasn't figured out how to invent a microphone that can be muted. And we wrote another story about that debate with America calling upon the only man capable of moderating the next showdown between Biden and Trump. And that man is Jerry Springer, the famous trash television host. Yes, given the lowbrow nature of the debate, the American people have called for Jerry to step out of retirement and share the next debate given Fox News moderator Chris Wallace seemed a little bit out of his debt.
Well, if we can get big Steve to help him out, hopefully we will be able to get a bit of a physical altercation and I'd like to see Steve put his hands on, on both of them really squeeze their heads. Who do you reckon to get up? In a fight between Trump and Trump would towel up Biden I think. You reckon? Yeah, I reckon Trump would chin the fuck out of Biden. I reckon Biden could have a little bit of like judo that he might have back in the day. A little bit of Scranton in Pennsylvania. Bit of a leg sweep or something like that.
He would bite him. He'd go down biting.
Look at the large Catholic boy from Scranton as he's mentioned time and time again. We live in hope. Anyway, we'll finish off with a feel good local story and an apprentice has celebrated a minor pay rise by locking himself into a financially crippling car lease. Yeah, that's a real inspirational story this one. A local apprentice cabinet maker Mitch Stimson borrowed close to three quarters of his annual wage at a predatory 12% interest.
But if you ask him, looks good aye? Surprised he didn't go for a Holden or a Falcon. He went for a canary yellow 2005 Proton Jumbuck. But you know, there you go. He reckons it looks good and he's got it sitting on 20s. So good on him. Big fuck off spoiler out the back. I think he's looking pretty flash old Mitch. Mate, there's nothing wrong with the old Malaysian billy cart.
You know, it handles like a stack of falling encyclopedia's. Wouldn't pull the skin off a rice pudding but it'll get you from A to B. Anyway, that will do us for this week. As always, thanks for tuning in and we'll be back again at the same time next week to bring you all the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper.
Until then, goodbye. Goodnight. |
dropout | Grant_Uses_Others_as_Puppets_To_Voice_His_Opinions_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Rebecca Hatt. And I'm Jean-Luc Picard.
The local science museum is under fire for a controversial exhibit showing children why tall people are better than short people. The exhibition, titled The Weather Up Here, features dioramas and interactive displays demonstrating the many ways in which the tall among us are superior, both physically and morally. One such display is called Tough Luck and is compromised of thousands of dollars in cash placed on high shelves in a room with no footstools. Another features photographs of short people from the vantage point of tall people so they can see just how puny and insignificant they are. Rest assured, tall people know who's going bold.
The exhibit's director said, quote, Look, we all know it's true. You're just mad that we're finally saying it out loud.
He went on to say that any anyone under six feet qualifies as short, oh, so mad. And that dudes who are 5'10 should stop trying to join the club because everyone can tell that they're little. The exhibit is meant to be a celebration of the fact that regardless of race, creed or country of origin, short people are the worst. They say short people live longer, but why would they even want to in those bodies?
To paraphrase Clement Freud, maybe they don't actually live longer. Maybe it just seems longer. My personal opinion is that this is correct.
My five favorite things about tall people are that they spill yogurt everywhere all the time, kind of like regardless of whether there's like an easy place to set it down. I've noticed that, too, a lot of yogurt spilling. Yeah, that they're kind of hypersexual, but also geriatric at the exact same time. It's funny how those two things go together. Our desks used to be next to each other. I would look in and there would just be kind of like a bag of jelly beans that tall people swear their mom sent them. Jelly beans are good and plenty or good and plenty or some sort of licorice. Loose oats would also be in there. They actually look really good in shorts and tall socks. And they're sweet when they're, when they're mad at you.
Protests are planned all week, museum organizers expect them to be ineffective but adorable if things really get out of hand, the event planners will go put one hand on the protesters heads while they punch the air like leprechauns. We go now to Stephen Slime for an update on the bachelor party he's at this weekend. Thanks Jean-Luc. I've been at Mark's bachelor party now for about a day.
We're in Vegas because creativity is something we value in children, but not adults. Last night we played craps, a game that's more complicated than Sellers of Catan and is also very expensive. The rules are as follows. So you get one lucky lady, you get them to blow on the dice and they go, and then that instills them with magic. And then you throw, you try to hit the back wall, but you don't hit the back wall. You will get kicked out by the pit boss. And then I think there's a wheel of some kind that gets spun. Are you talking about roulette?
Oh, and also a big part of craps is enemies and allies. And so you got to size everyone up as an enemy or an ally. And if they're an enemy, you really want to give them dirty looks whenever they win. And how many of those people are mafia in any game?
I would say between 10 to 20 percent. Very interesting, Stephen. It sounds like you're burning a lot of money. I sure am. And it's especially bad because I'm spending it on Mark. I'll emphasize he's a tertiary friend at best, but it was too awkward to say no. Thank you, Stephen. Stay safe. We turn now to lonely sewer mouth for a look at the economy. Thanks, Rebecca.
The cryptocurrency market took a tumble today, probably because the whole idea of crypto is completely fucking insane. Everyone who owns crypto is an asshole who should pause this video right now and spend 10 minutes Googling the Dutch tulip bubble. They won't, obviously, because they're assholes, but they should. Some of you have probably made money in crypto.
That's great. Congratulations. A lot of people made money in Beanie Babies, too. But you should sell right now because the whole house of cards is going to come tumbling down and I'm going to laugh and laugh when it does.
I'll tell you how sure we are that crypto sucks. The writer of this video is Grant O'Brien, which you might have picked up on from how correct he was about the shorts. That's how sure he is that crypto is a joke in 10 years. If any crypto is worth more than it is today, March 16th, twenty twenty one. Get in touch with Grant and he'll send you the equivalent of one hundred thousand U.S. dollars in whatever currency you choose. No question. Ask any crypto Bitcoin, Ethereum, rabbit bucks, whatever this offer stands for whoever reaches out and you can ask for money as many times as you like, assuming Elon Musk gives you a long enough break from sucking his dick to DM Grant O'Brien. And if you're thinking Grant doesn't have any money, how do we know he can back this up? Check your digital wallet, fucko, because it's full of coins that are exactly as valuable as this promise. Now blockchain, that's a fine idea, I suppose, though it seems like something we're going to refine and iterate on to the point that anything based on today's version of blockchain will be as useful as an Apple II is now. As it stands, it's way too complicated. And to prove it, Grant is going to make the actor playing this fart explain blockchain right now.
Oh, go ahead. Yeah. Fascinating.
Blockchain is when I have a little bit of money and then I give it to a friend and I go, hey, pass it on, pass a little bit of money on. And then they take a little bit more of the money. If there's no more bills, they rip a little corner off and they pass it on to a friend and you rip it into smaller and smaller pieces. That's kind of the chain. And then when someone wants the chain to end, someone kind of runs in there and tackles one of your friends down.
That's the block. That's the kind of like a football, like a blocker. That's the block.
Just out of curiosity, how many of those people are mafia? Like all of them.
Oh, anyway, crypto bros are being bamboozled by modern day versions of PT Barnum and are plagued by an epidemic of short term thinking and hubris. They have pudding for brains and unless they time the market exactly right, they're going to lose their shorts. Get yourselves a low cost index fund and don't look at it for 20 years.
Maybe that wasn't funny enough. Farts, wet farts with poop, whatever. Thanks, Loni. That's all for us today. But before we go, today's loser is Ali Beardsley and of course, short people and people with Dogecoin. |
cracked | president_donald_trump_takes_dump_on_white_house_the_mooch_democrats_get_ready_to_lose_some_news | Hello, I'm a news person, and here's some news. Sean Spicer has resigned from the Trump administration after Anthony The Mooch Scaramoochie was hired as the White House Communications Director. It's already clear that Scaramoochie is quite the character, and well, The Moochie's out. And even though he's no longer Rella Vooch, I want to take a quick looch and a memo that he wrote about his plan for the communications department. He planned to, quote, make it clear that horn-tooting and denigrating colleagues is unacceptable, which is funny because of all of the news.
He goes on to say that he wanted to humanize President Trump, pointing out that POTUS has a funny and irreverent side, which was shared with the electorate during the campaign. Which brings us to a segment we like to call Just the President, Joking About Police Brutality. In his speech to police officers in New York last week, the president said that cops should be rougher when arresting suspects, to which the cops cheered, which is not great. But let's just sort of as a thought exercise, give the president the benefit of the doubt and think real hard and assume the president doesn't think the police should needlessly be rougher when arresting criminals.
Maybe he was joking. We can at least ask press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, actual sister of an actual dog murderer. Was he making a joke about police brutality? Not at all. I think you guys are jumping and trying to make something out of nothing. He was simply making a comment, making a joke, and it was nothing more than that. With just a comment is press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, daughter of the father of a dog murderer. I'll take your questions now. Sarah, was the president joking about police brutality? Not at all. Okay, so what was he doing? He was simply making a comment, making a joke. So he was making a joke? Not at all. Then what was he doing? Making a joke. Do you wanna keep doing this? Not at all. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. This has been Just the President, Joking About Police Brutality.
In other president news, the president is Donald Trump. And in President Donald Trump news, the president reportedly told people at his private golf club, from which he makes money, that the White House is a real dump. Coming to his defense, Trump associate and former Richard Nixon associate and current Richard Nixon back tattoo haver, Roger Stone, tweeted that no. In his first week in the White House, Trump told Roger that the White House was very cool. And then the president tweeted about it and called golf magazine fake news. And of course, there are tweets of him praising golf magazine 16 times.
Here's some news. Mark Zuckerberg has been bumped up from a special guest here on some news to a recurring character. Welcome to the family.
Because the proponent of feudalism, possessor of our data, picker of which news we each see, and pretty sh** guy in the social network, totally isn't running for president, but has totally just hired pollster Joel Benenson, chief strategist in Clinton's 2016 campaign. The hire comes after months of touring the countryside and waxing an alien robots version of poetic about America and the challenges we face. Despite also recently hiring David Plouffe, former Barack Obama campaign manager, and Ken Melman, former George W. Bush campaign manager, Zuckerberg has stated that he is not running for president, which brings us to our new segment, Stop It.
Stop, stop, stop it, stop it, stop, stop, stop it. Stop, stop it. I don't even care anymore that you're definitely going to run for president. Go ahead, run for president, but stop saying you're not running for president, so we can all tell you to please stop running for president. Stop it, stop, stop, stop it. This has been Stop It, Stop, Stop, Stop It.
Here's some news. The real dump of a White House has decided to change legal immigration rules, implementing a point system where immigrants would earn entry by having various skills and qualities. Now, this is a controversial decision, perhaps because allegedly all men are created equal, but a system like this isn't unheard of. Canada and Australia have similar systems. Trump, they also have universal healthcare, hint, hint, hint, hint, hint.
And this is a complex issue, so let's just focus on the fact that one of the criteria for entry is being able to speak English, which is nuts. The ability to speak English? You can't come to America unless you can speak English? Listen to a Trump interview, or better yet, listen to his tweet explaining this rule. I hereby am saying that any person human that does not have a tremendous grasp on the beautiful English language, ours, then they are not to be the ones, people, to be coming into our beautiful country.
This is my official decree fee. Thought it was real for a second, didn't you?
But the United States doesn't have an explicitly stated official national language. That's kind of, you know, part of, you know, the whole, you know, point of America. When you hear the phrase, speak English, this is America, you don't think of America's laws or ideals, you think of viral videos of complete assholes harassing people in America for not speaking English in America. Do you think making a law that says someone can't come here unless they speak English will decrease the number of racist assholes who harass people and yell at them for not speaking English in America?
Oh, also, it would be great if the president could joke about police brutality to cheering cops. That also won't have cultural ramifications. You're the president, man. Things you say matter. It's just words, folks. Cool. Here's some news.
The DNC announced that there will be no litmus test for candidates going into 2018, which is another way of saying we don't really stand for much of anything, which is another way of saying, quote, I mean, have you seen the other guys? The announcement specifically mentions candidates' views on abortion, a divisive topic that may have already made some of you click over to, I don't know, some nine-year-old's tutorials on how to code. But Ben Loo-John, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee chairman, said, quote, as we look at candidates across the country, you need to make sure you have candidates that fit the district, that can win in these districts across America. Now, to a certain extent, candidates should reflect their districts. They're representing them. But also, you're a political party, so candidates should reflect you.
If you ebb and flow on important issues, you're just saying whatever you have to to win, something politicians do that people hate. So maybe you won't win. And this drift towards the center in order to pick up a few votes on the right and lose a bunch of votes on the left is a pattern for the Democratic Party. And if they keep compromising on basic principles, they're going to be losers forever. Even Bernie Sanders, he who would have won, campaigned for Omaha, Nebraska mayoral candidate, Heath Mello, an anti-choice Democrat.
He defended this by saying, do we have a clip? No, what do we have?
If we are going to protect a woman's right to truce, at the end of the day, we're going to need Democratic control over the House and the Senate and state governments all over the nation. And we have got to appreciate where people come from and do our best to fight for the pro-choice agenda. But I think you just can't exclude people who disagree with us on one issue. Bernie, my dear, dear dude, that one issue is really divisive and important to Kafka women. Not all women are pro-choice, but all pro-choice women are pretty f***ing adamant about it. And you say, if we're going to protect a woman's right to truce, at the end of the day, we're going to need Democratic control over the House and the Senate. But you won't have control to protect a woman's right to truce if we elect a bunch of Democrats who won't protect a woman's right to truce.
Bernie, I mean, you woulda, but I mean, Bernie. Instead of compromising on principles and having a party that stands for, you know, whatever, might I suggest standing for something, or better yet, people, and having a strong message that attempts to convince people outside of your party that you're right. Because being pro-choice doesn't mean you're pro-abortion.
Like, they just want everyone to go out and have a bunch of abortions. Ideally, nobody would have them. They're not, um, fun. But outlawing them just means there will be more unsafe ones, which puts women's health and lives at risk. Education, birth control, family planning, providing these services to women, and technology like artificial wombs are ways to bring that number down to zero. As of three days before the current president was sworn in as president, abortions in the U.S. were at the lowest point since Roe v. Wade, and polls indicate that only 18% of people actually think abortions should be illegal in all situations.
So, Dems, just get it together. Specifically, you're shit. And stand for things other than, quote, we're the least worst party of the sadly only two viable parties.
Taxing the unfathomably wealthy. Taxing the merely extremely wealthy.
Make corporations not people. Stop arming everybody, and perpetuating the military industrial complex. Get money out of politics. Make election day, not on a fucking Tuesday, or make it a national holiday so we can at least enjoy the illusion that our government actually wants us all to vote in our democracy.
I don't know.
There's a lot of talk about how Trump's not normal. This is not normal. We just wanna go back to normal when we didn't have to think about the news all the time. Make America normal again. But normal wasn't good.
And if he ever stops being the president, it's important that we don't forget that. Anyway, this has been some news, I guess. We'll be back in two weeks, but we're taking next week off.
But only because I... I just wanna take a nap.
Hey, thanks for watching. Make sure to subscribe by clicking the big C in the middle and the bell icon to get notifications. And now that Reince Priebus has been fired, it's safe to tell you that his middle name is Gleombe. |
dropout | celebrity_photo_psa_with_malin_akerman | Hey, I'm Marlon Ackerman and I'm an actress. I feel so grateful to have made it to the point in my career where I have fans asking to take pictures with me. It's amazing. But celebrities are still people and we have boundaries, so here are some simple rules to follow.
Number one, if I blink, which I usually don't since this is kind of my thing, but if I do, we can take a second picture. It's my bad. Now, if you blink, I'm really sorry, but that's on you, no second picture.
What if the photo is blurry? Sorry, I just don't have time for you to figure out how to use your camera. But hey, there's a sharpened image tool in Photoshop and it's not hard to use. There's a tutorial.
Hey, Malon, you say, pronouncing my name wrong. Can we make a silly face? Sure, why not? But don't look at the picture and then tell me my silly face isn't silly enough and you want another. That was the silliest one I could make at the time, dick.
Hey, you ask, can we put our arms around each other? Sure, it'll look like we're best friends in third grade. But if your arm goes around my waist instead of my shoulder, that's awkward.
Oh, and if you squeeze my waist, or worse, if you drop your hand anywhere near my ass like you think I'm some drunk slut at a bar, I'm going to steal your camera. That's right, bitch. You're going to disrespect me when I'm doing you a favor? No, no way. I've been rubbed on by too many jerk offs who think I owe them something to take that kind of shit.
So I'm going to headbutt your sternum, grab your smartphone, and break into a dead sprint. I'm in good shape. You won't catch me. I'm not an ingrate. I appreciate your fandom.
But you have to obey the rules. If you come at me with a flip phone from 1999 and take a blurry picture of my nostril, then tell me you need another one because I moved? You're going to get rock bottomed. And yes, I know the rock bottom and the people's elbow. Last rule. Be nice. Say thank you. I'd really hate to have to burn your house down. |
cracked | worst_fraternity_hazing_ever | So, are you pledges ready for hell night? Don't answer that! You're not!
We're gonna do things to your dicks you'll probably hate. If there's a good chance, you'll know what his butt tastes like.
Will there be booze? Oh, you ladies will be drunk.
You'll need to be. Because... T-T-T-Dome... I can't do this.
It's okay, Danny. It's fine.
Uh, I'm sorry, pledges. There's, uh, usually more of us around for this. Is this part of the hazing ritual? We lost a brother last weekend. Just got another frat. Two alcohol poisoning, so... A lot of the brothers didn't feel up to hanging.
Smitty! God, why couldn't you have been a bro and taken me instead? But if I know one thing, it's that shitty Smitty the titty committee would have wanted us to go balls out on hell night anyway. So are you ready, maggots? Really? Danny?
Smitty loves drinking to excess, bro. Hey, you need to put that shit on lock, bro. We were trying to show these guys a good time. Smitty always used to say, if I could die doing one thing, bro, it'd be drinking to excess.
Pledge, bring me a tissue! Is this the part of the hazing? We said bring out the tissue! We're having a bromit right now. Um, Smitty was a great guy, super nice. You call that a eulogy, Pledge?
Go light five candles! You like that? Weak sauce, bro. Are we gonna eat? Yeah, just humor him for a while. If any of those candles get blown out, they're going up your ass! Smitty, did I tell you about this bang and hottie I slammed last night, bro? The one with the tickle, brrrr, it is? No, go on.
Smitty would not be so disinterested. Smitty did not phone it in.
I'm just not even drunk anymore. I mean, we could at least drink.
Alright. Next! No, Danny. I sent the other pledges home. It is time to call it a night, bro. You're just gonna bail on Hell Knight like that? Total Judas move, bro, way on Smitty.
Excuse me, I've only had an intro to Psych, of course, so far. But don't you see what's happening, Danny?
You're trying to hold on to something. That's gone. Smitty wouldn't want you dwelling on his end. He'd want you to honor his memory by living a good life.
Okay, this kid's definitely getting the hobo's cock right now. Totally. Yeah! What is that? It's where we make you take your flaccid penis and put it in an empty beer can and watch porn. Smitty's favorite.
Welcome to the frat! Hell Knight lives! Whoa! Subscribe! |
cracked | 4_things_movies_get_wrong_about_jobs_office_space_batman_begins | Hollywood loves to make movies about businesses because that's where all the peasants in their audience work But writers and directors aren't exactly corporate experts and often don't even know what an average office job is like That's why they've come up with these weird misunderstandings of how companies work the myth Calum's plot points have turned on the 51% rule Where if you own 51% of a company's stock you are the supreme ruler of the company and can do anything you want the villain And mr Deeds had the power to sell the company because he controlled 51% of the shares even though the owners of the other 49% were unanimously against it tons of other movies ranging from the secret of my success to Richie rich have been based off of pivotal 51% moments where the villain could only stare dumbfounded as the hero was discovered to have 51% ownership Despite paying millions of dollars for the other 49% of shares the other stockholders apparently have zero say in any business decisions and probably would have to bark like a dog if the 51% king ordered them to The problem the truth is that most corporations require a two-thirds majority vote and are actually legally bound by some state laws to do So before big decisions like whether to sell the company which makes sense Is it really a good idea to give your company a self-destruct button that can be activated when almost half the shareholders? Don't want that at all Even if the company doesn't require a two-thirds vote for a decision as big as basically killing itself There are laws to protect minority shareholders from oppression That's the legal term which kick in during a number of different Circumstances like if the majority owner is doing something that makes no business sense for the corporation and only benefits himself if the majority tramples these rights Minority owners have the right to sue their pants off a legitimate case can be made that the owners of the 51% in these movies both Villains and heroes make some decisions an outsider could consider questionable Richie rich spontaneously appoints a team of street urchins as his R&D team Which the minority owners could use to at least start a lawsuit and cause some serious headaches for the supreme ruler sure Maybe the most dramatic choice from Mr. Deeds climax was for the girlfriend to appear out of nowhere and discover a secret heir But it could equally have ended with a bad guy going down in a storm of lawsuits from what appear to be a couple Hundred people I mean neither ending is ideal. It's not a great movie the myth There's no boardroom scene Hollywood loves more than the dramatic unexpected firing in Batman Begins a corrupt executive fires Lucius Fox with the quip Didn't you get the memo a line which Fox himself cleverly uses to counter fire the corrupt executive at the end Didn't you get the memo and there's plenty of surprise firings with a twist like this one in entourage where the fire uses some kind of Clever gimmick or catchphrase you're fired We mentioned mr. Deeds above for the 51% rule But the climax of that movie also involves firing almost the entire board and of course look no further than Robocop for one Of the most extreme firing scenes in movie history The problem both the spontaneous firing scene and 51% rule are based on the notion that the boss at a company can do Whatever he or she wants if a CEO fired someone so definitively in a real boardroom He'd probably end up asphyxiating on all the red tape HR departments have extensive bureaucratic guidelines for how to fire someone and are so paranoid about building a paper trail of documentation That the process for firing someone usually takes weeks They're justified in their paranoia since there are a number of laws that allow at-will employees to fight wrongful termination for various reasons Most employees especially at the top actually have detailed contracts to protect themselves in case of a firing That's why HP CEO Mark herd got about 40 million dollars as a reward after being fired for sexual impropriety and fudging expense reports Because it was in his contract Mercedes booted exec earned sleep for billing his home improvements and vacations to the company's account But couldn't even get him out of the company because of the paperwork and legal nightmare that firing executive usually involves the payoffs are Called golden parachutes because you now have enough money to equip your fleet of golden Lear jets with the appropriate safety equipment If they dumped him they might have a lawsuit on their hands and what's at stake if the company loses Well when Rinald fired three execs accused of corporate spying the company's COO and six other people involved with firing them lost their jobs For improperly firing the first three so while Morgan Freeman's comeback was certainly snappy Actual executives would gladly go through the tedium of filling out HR forms and letting the bureaucracy slowly grind out the termination process instead of seizing The opportunity for a clever spontaneous firing despite what their name would have you believe firings are best served cold The myth not only does Hollywood have a baffling idea of how most people work They also seem to have a disproportionate idea of what most workers wear There's plenty of high-ranking characters wearing suits Wall Street's Gordon Gekko American Psycho is Patrick Beighton Bruce Wayne whatever Richard Gere's character was named and pretty woman the list goes on meanwhile blue-collar workers wear uniforms Even if they manage the plant office peons get to wear a tie just like the boss But they must have their forearms exposed for at least part of the workday for some reason everyone who works for a company has to Wear something restrictive if anyone goes to work in shorts or jeans They're a surfer an artist an off-duty or undercover cop or a stunted man child hacker the problem in real life 55% of workers report that their workplace has no dress code and tech companies in particular Commonly have workers of all ages wandering in at around 10 or 11 a.m. Wearing shorts and sandals not little quirky companies But Giants like Cisco Google and Microsoft companies have even started hopping on board a trend where they encourage employees to wear shorts in order to save Money on office air conditioning in this economic crunch yet You would probably be hard-pressed to name a movie where a well-adjusted 9 to 5 worker and father of two shows up to the office In a t-shirt the myth watch any movie where a character's company duties are in conflict with something else family finding love being a good person And you'll almost always find their source of stress is a big presentation or an important account Maybe they need to develop a campaign for Nike what women want or make a big presentation on a merger plan RV or land an important client dinner for smokes the reason Jim Carrey's character in liar liar fails to spend enough time with his kid is because he's always got an important case to Get to an important client to coddle Sarah Jessica Parker's greatest challenge and finding time for a family in I don't know how she does it It's having to dash about pitching an important deal about retirement funds. That was a movie the problem How many of you out there have a job that constantly revolves around big presentations and landing important accounts? Don't most of us have jobs where we have to process X number of records a day or fix cars or process claims or ring up customers Or answer calls jobs where we don't have one really big thing to do But just a set of duties we carry out every day Hollywood can't imagine those kinds of jobs being stressful enough to cause a dramatic career family crisis But they easily can be is the job tearing the main character away from his family Maybe his company just laid off a bunch of claims adjusters and as one of the few remaining He has double the work to do with not as much hours If he's an accountant, maybe it's tax season the average overworked person who needs to rethink her priorities Isn't someone who's moving from exciting presentation to exciting presentation? She's just a person who's got too few hours Even if they need a plot point where the character has to get something done by a specific date We all have those they're called deadlines the end of a project or a quarter or just some arbitrary deadline your boss sets Which works great for a plot where the workplace is supposed to be oppressive and unfair So why is it that Hollywood thinks clients and presentations are what the face of overworking looks like well because that's what it's like in Hollywood work there is always about a big project a film or a big presentation a pitch or a big client for agents That's what being busy and stressed out looks like to them their experiences pitching projects to studios gets translated into an advertising executive character Trying to sell a campaign or slogan to clients after all those sleepless hours They've spent getting a movie ready to put on their silver screen They'll naturally invent a character frantically putting together a flashy PowerPoint to project in the boardroom They've managed to translate their experiences into the settings most people working without translating them into the way that most people actually work Get a job, Hollywood Hey everybody Thanks for watching that video if you want to subscribe to our channel click the big C in the middle and to get Notifications hit the notification bell icon and they'll send you notifications about that now.
Let's rock this joint |
dropout | what_superpower_would_you_want_ask_ch | I would be minor inconvenience man and I would do things like you know the the bottom sheet on your mattress that you can never figure out which way it goes you know in in my world I would be able to snap my fingers and whoever I was trying to help would have that sheet fitted perfectly right away or like the toothpaste tube that gets like all toothpaste gunk around it in my world that wouldn't happen I think if I was around other superheroes like during our Sunday afternoon superhero roundtable where we ate spaghetti they'd be pretty critical until one of them had a brake light out in their car right and then all of a sudden who's the guy who can fix that without making them go to the dealership or the spaghetti's overcooked one Sunday and I turn it right back to El Dente without even boiling a new pot of spaghetti forget flying forget x-ray vision we have x-ray machines right so what is it what is what is your value add it's better than what all of us do for that small inconvenience man thank you and they bow to me they do like a like a like a very respectful bow to me like that if I can have any superpower I would have the powers of classic like Looney Tunes cartoons like the ability to reach behind your back and pull out whatever it is you need at that moment pull out like this perfect corned beef sandwich like the platonic ideal of a corned beef sandwich or it's like Christmas time and there's that person in your office here like friendly with but you're not like super close with and you're like okay we'll just like say Merry Christmas to each other and then you get in and he's got a gift for you and you're like oh no but it doesn't matter because you can just reach behind your back and there's a perfectly wrapped gift there that he opens up and inside is the most thoughtful handmade sweater and you didn't have to do anything at all to make it you never need anything new is what I'm saying you can just reach behind you and there it is also I guess you could never die from like falling off of tall places like you just sort of turn to an accordion so that's fun if I had a superpower it would be to teleport anywhere I want I would love to be able to just show up somewhere and punch somebody as hard as I possibly could and then disappear if I saw somebody on their cell phone in their car I could just kind of like hop in their passenger seat like give them a nice side punch cut it out they would be injured obviously because it was a powerful side punch you don't know how to park your car right you get one of these I would go into some big fancy sleazy CEOs office he's like a big walrus looking motherfucker and just sleeping on a big pile of money I would just kind of sneak in and I'd shake him and I'd punch him and he's like jiggle big and I'd go home to my girlfriend she'd be like there's somebody running the streets punching people I'd be like I don't know anything about that that sounds crazy but I would know because I'm the puncher |
SaturdayNightLive | dion_and_blair_stevie_wonder_snl | What is keeping Dionne? I mean, I am famished. how long does it take to pick up a salad in his swaz? what's he doing? what is he doing? catching the tuna? Well, he'll be right back.
Dionne!
Dionne, where is my salad? Where is my salad? Look at me! Where is my salad?
Some woman bought the shirt I was gonna get for the Stevie Wonder concert, and I seen her, bitch. she ain't even no small. Can I tell you something, Dionne? look at me. can I tell you something? you are a total mess. now my stomach is going to be doing cartwheels all day long. don't you ever think of anyone else other than yourself? Oh, child, stop. don't you do this to me. listen to me. I got some cold cuffs in the back. I'll go in the back and fix you something. that's all. it's just that simple. you a mess all the time. he is so aggravated. Oh, come on. it's Stevie Wonder. Listen, what can I do for you? Hey, is that guy gonna be okay? oh, him? oh, sure. he'll come around. Hey, look, Mr. Wonder here has got a concert tonight. Yeah, I need my braids tightened up. Well, alrighty. why don't you just sit him down here, and I'll call a beautician who's conscious, more or less. Oh, Dionne! okay, man. look, I'm gonna go tell the driver to wait. is this all right? it's fine. don't worry about it, man.
Strange. To keep all this complaining, I'm gonna have to read you. I'm gonna have to write you. Oh, you have passed that from The Hunger Player. what's your problem? we appreciate that.
I got a show to do tonight. No, I'm really into her. wait till I tell Carlos I was paid money to wrap my hands around Stevie Wonder's head. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just tell him for sure. make sure you say that you were braiding my hair. Oh, this is too much. this is too much for me. I cannot believe this is happening to me. just relax. Dionne, is that really Stevie Wonder, Or have I died and gone to heaven? It's him. this gorgeous seat is so fine. look at me. my hands are sweating. my chest is sweating. my ears is cold. I don't know what to do with myself. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I don't mean to be rude, but look, we've got to get this done. I'm really in a hurry. can y'all get on and out? tell me what we can do. I'm glad to your left side of your head, not to the right side. Oh, no, no, no. your head be much quicker and your head be done much faster.
Just let me get my instruments. anything for Stevie. wait, wait, wait. Ooh, child. he's just another client.
I know what you mean. if I messed up, I'd never forgive myself. I can't do this. Hey, Steve, man, we better get going. we just don't have time.
I'm so sorry. I. Listen, it's okay. I'll just wear a hat. Oh, god. embarrassing.
What do you understand? You see, my favorite album is Talking Book, and I feel. Listen, that's all right. you don't have to give me explanation. I'm glad that my music has touched you all, and I feel that life in the world today. Oh, it's just like one of your Grammy speeches.
Hey, come on, Stevie. we just don't have time, man. we just gotta go. All right. I'm gonna. I'm gonna go. bye-bye. take it easy.
I love you all. God bless and be sweet. he said he loves us! |
SaturdayNightLive | the_full_moon_killer_saturday_night_live | Ah, good morning, Teresa. good morning, Glenn. good morning, Alan.
I say, Alan, you know about that serial killer the papers are calling the Full Moon Killer? I know of him. I know he takes his victims each month on the full moon. I know he's a brilliant psychopath who has struck fear into the heart of the city. I know he has those bumbling police running in circles.
Yes, circles as perfect and round as the moon itself. Well, then you must have heard the good news, then. good news? can't be that they caught him. I think I would know if the Full Moon killer was finished with his bloody, but delicate work. At any rate, as soon as this month's full moon, fast approaches. Well, that's just the thing. this month's full moon was last night and he didn't kill anyone. What's that now? Yeah, last night the full moon came and went and there was no murder. No, that's not possible. I happen to follow astronomy and the full moon is tomorrow. Full Moon? Uh, for the first time in a year, the full Moon came and went without a victim.
This is inconceivable. Well, it's true. that pervert may finally be done with his killing spree. First of all, I doubt he's a pervert. he's probably a refined gentleman. Rakesh. devilishly handsome. cunning. cunning is the wind. Second of all, it's not a killing spree. it's the glorious will of my master. I mean his master, not my master.
And third, the full Moon is tomorrow night. tomorrow! Wow, you're really invested in what night the Full Moon is, Alan. uh, no, no, no, I'm not. it's just from what I read about the Full Moon Killer who, by the way, would prefer to be called Lunarius, disciple of Vorp. he's a pretty together guy. and if his refrigerator tells him to kill someone every full moon until his mommy comes back to life, well, by Jove, he's gonna do it. Hey, did you guys hear about how that moon weirdo forgot to kill anyone this month? Yeah, what a jerk. You know what? maybe the jerk is Janus from Accounting who went on maternity leave, dumped all of her work in the Full Moon Killer's lap. I mean, he didn't have time to think straight, let alone kill anybody.
Boy, his refrigerator hears about this. What's so funny? don't you laugh at me. don't you laugh at me! Alan, we're messing with you. the Full Moon's not until tomorrow. Dude, this is the sports section. I was totally Bs-ing you. wait a minute. does that mean you guys know that you're the Full Moon Killer? Oh, sorry, Lunarius. we had an idea. I mean, you left your manifesto on your desk the other week. by the way, sex zombie ends ie. not one. Oh, man! you've read that? that's private. Steve.
I mean, I am so embarrassed. I'm so one of those guys who wants to get caught. I never thought I would be, but I am. you totally are. I am. I can't believe this.
Not funny. not funny, Glenn. Aw, man, the look on your face is classic. Uh, there's just no way that he would forget to, uh, kill someone. I am never gonna hear the end of this. you pranksters. Well, to be fair, it was mostly Glenn's idea. Well, then the joke's on him, because he's gonna be my next victim! And he was. |
cracked | awesome_thought_experiments_for_your_next_existential_crisis_3_dead_philosophers | Hey! Help! What do we do? Is this part of the tour?
It's no use. This whole dungeon screams Kafkaesque futility.
I mean, there'd be way more guards if this was the kind of place that had a lot of foot traffic from helpful passerby's. Passersby.
You know what I find helps? Focusing on the tremendous pain. Oh, well, if it's any consolation, I'm in way more pain than you guys.
I can't know that. Can't or won't. Both. Plus don't, I guess.
I know how much pain I'm in and I know that amount to be true because I can feel it and I understand it. I don't know how much pain you're in and what that feels like. Like for all I know, year seven could be my three. 11,450.
Pretend pain is a beetle. What, like your pain feels like a beetle? Like biting you? That's nothing. No, I mean, pretend that instead of the word pain, I said the word beetle.
Let's say a trusted authority figure comes to all of us, gives us each a box, and says the thing inside your box is a beetle and no one is allowed to show anyone else the contents of their box. I know that when I look at my box, the thing I see is a beetle and I know that to be true and I know that the thing in your box is what you think is a beetle and so on and so on and so on. Cool, we're three dudes with beetles. I can't know that. All I know is that my thing is a beetle. I know what's in my box is what I call beetle and I know what's in your box is what you call a beetle. I have no way of knowing that the stuff inside of our box is the same.
Can we go back to trusting my grammar? My grammars? They're easy ones.
For all I know, your beetle could change every time you look at it. No, though. Once I see the beetle, I'd remember what it looks like. Perception doesn't change later. No?
Just look at this prison. No, I'd rather look at the part of the... Oh, wait, no, it's all prison.
What did they say to us when we got here when you were concerned that there wasn't going to be enough space for everyone and he bravely volunteered to not go to save room? Ooh! They said not to worry that even though all the cells are occupied, they could move the dudes in cell one to cell two and cell two's prisoners to cell three and so on and that they could do that because this is an infinity prison. You know, I was being obstinate before. I actually do fully understand the bizarre circumstances surrounding our unexplained imprisonment. So why are we talking about it now? To train us to think differently. When we got here, they said this prison had an infinite number of cells and all of them were full. And then they found room for us. So what? Does that make the population infinity plus three? The guard said there are no vacant rooms and that no vacancy thing is as true today as it was yesterday before we got here and no one has left in the intern.
Okay, I'm thinking differently. Hey, now that we've trained our brains to think differently, maybe we can figure out a way to escape. No, probably not. Do you think the guard's coming back? I don't think he noticed when he dropped it. We could be saved. Yeah, could be. I said could be. |
ClickHole | trump_s_assault_on_the_environment_explained_in_one_toe_tapping_song | Back in 2009, the EPA had issued its so-called Endangerment Finding which said greenhouse emissions are a threat to the public and paved the way for the Clean Power Plan but now President Trump is nullifying that decision with executive orders aimed at quote energy independence and he wants to slash the EPA's funding by 31 percent meanwhile EPA administrator Pruitt has initiated changes that will likely lead to an estimated 780 million extra tons of co2 and just to put that number in perspective that's equal to the total co2 effect of Germany a country with the biggest GDP in the EU so let's break down the implications in fact it's hard to overstate the long-term impact of carbon on the future of the global ecosystem and the world if we don't meet our goal by 2025 the Paris agreement could fall by the wayside and China might as well decide that they're backing out as well Trump just approved construction on the controversial Keystone XL Oh no, opponents disagree with him about what kind of war this is a war against the planet or a war on coal Obama or Argo sinks into the sea yeah yeah in Spanish its name actually means cedar lake but if Trump doesn't change his policy then cedar lake is a lake to be c-2 lake is a lake to be cedar lake is a lake to be cedar lake is a lake to be cedar lake is a lake to be |
dropout | dating_a_college_girl_isn_t_as_sexy_as_it_seems_hot_date | Hi, I've got a date coming and I'm trying to impress her bring out a couple wine flights something mid-tier And she's gonna look young, but she's 21. She's in college. I'm Dating a sexy young co-ed be on the lookout for that Carissa hi, I'm mom. This place is fancy. Are they doing like drink specials or something? It's not that kind of place It's cool. I got us covered Do you want any it tastes like ass, but it gets you fucked up. Oh, you don't need to do that I'll buy you a drink. Can we get some more waters, right?
I totally forgot. I'm sorry I've like never been on a date with an old dude. I'm actually only 38 Oh, no, that's all my grandma was when my mom had me in 1997.
Oh Sick double-fisting. No, you don't actually Ha there it goes. What is that vodka crayon? No, this is a wine flight. So first you're gonna aerate Sorry, this is like really boring and I'm getting really bored. Let's talk about something fun.
Do you have any exes that you hate? Well, I'm divorced. I don't know that I hate her. Well, so we're like both just out of relationships Yeah, I dated this guy Brent for like three weeks, but he lives in my dorm.
So it just went like really fast You know, yeah, I guess so This salsa is muy bono. I think you mean bueno and it's beluga caviar Pretty sure they sell this at the cafeteria at Geller Hall.
I've never been there, but they don't you just like get in a car and drive Just like go where what's stopping us. What's holding us back? I have work on Monday. Just skip I can get out of my classes. All I have is intro to psych and I'm failing anyways Let me just email my professor. Don't do that. You don't need to do that.
Stop typing the email Well, I told my grandpa died which is kind of messed up because he's pretty healthy for his age It's like probably three years older than you You know what Carissa? I'm really feeling the age gap here. I don't think it's gonna work I'm an adult you were born in 1997 was it you think that caviar is salsa, which is Insane doesn't even look back from my pleasure to hook up.
Yes. Absolutely |
TheOnion | Jockey_Liam_Hollins_The_Favorite_To_Brutally_Whip_Horse_To_Kentucky_Derby_Win | There, Brett, step right up when the bluegrass stakes this weekend thanks to a phenomenal whipping performance from jockey Liam Hollins. This is the fifth time Hollins has whipped a horse into the winner's circle this year. Is he the best horse flogger alive?
I hope you like sitting next to naked old Russian men because we're answering that question in the steam room. Hang your wrinkled shirts on the doorway, you're in the steam room. Alongside John McCarthy, Unkinder Mann, and Mack. We're both naked, you're covered in sea salt, and I've got a broom made of oak leaves. I hope you're ready to get hit real hard. I paid $40 for it, Tim. Then open up your pores, the steam room begins now.
Mack, step right up, started a little flat footed in this weekend's race, but Hollins really beat him into gear after the half mile post. That's right. Tim Hollins is one of the most skilled, most intuitive horse beaters I've seen in a long time. So we're seeing the turning point of the race right here. Well, yes.
He gets off to a good rhythm with the frequency and intensity of his beatings, but he'll syncopate his blows so the horse is always unprepared. Bam, bam, out, and there goes the horse. I mean, what a performance. It's like he was born with a whip in his hand.
Well, sure, but a lot of it is hard work. Hollins builds his endurance by beating horses in their pens, and he's a great believer in the value of video study. He watches hours and hours of himself beating horses. Great work ethic.
And he's not married to the whip like all the other jockeys. No, he'll give step right up, a kick in the ribs or a punch in the throat every few lengths. Can't teach that.
They say that there hasn't been a jockey who whipped with such intensity since Duke Payne. Oh, the Duke. Legend has it all he had to do was walk into a stable and horses would start urinating out of fear.
That is impressive. Mac, your skin is covered in oak leaves and steam. It's been rubbed raw.
It's time for the final sweat. I'm going to pour a gallon of ice cold water on you. It's only going to make more steam, but I promise you it will be invigorating. Are you sure you're up to the challenge? My chest is inflamed, Tim. Lay it on me. Coming at you.
Horse torturer of the year.
Does Hollins have it locked back? I don't see anyone coming close. Okay.
Mariel Monti has an outside shot with his eye-whipping technique. Innovative.
Chris Sanders is having a great year, but his horse is near death. You got to strike the right balance. Now, you spoke to Hollins about the Kentucky Derby. Does he have any tricks up his sleeve? Well, Hollins did tell me that he plans to start with his torch whip and then move to pouring acid on his horse's tail.
Really? This is the best part. Apparently, he plans to cut off his horse's head on the back stretch. Incredible. He tells me that the horse will keep running at top speed for several lengths right across the finishing line. Wow.
With no functioning brain, there's no natural instinct to slow down to protect the muscles against impact. Well, this is allowed. As far as I know, there are no rules in horse racing. You just procure a horse and get it across the finish line by any means necessary.
Mac, you have survived the steam room. Go pick the oak leaves off your face and meet me at the masseuse. Oh, I shall look forward to that. I could use a deep rub myself. Rules in horse racing. You just procure a horse and get it across the finish line by any means necessary. Mac, you have survived the steam room. Go pick the oak leaves off your face and meet me at the masseuse. Oh, I shall look forward to that. I could use a deep rub myself. |
SaturdayNightLive | eddie_murphy_fills_time_snl | Uh, uh, people at home are going, what did he do? You know he's crazy, that one. um, we, uh, we're about, uh, 40 minutes too quick. 40 seconds too quick, So, uh, I'm, like, filling time. Dick sent out the most handsome man to fill the time. only kidding. no, um, he told me he sent me out to tell you people that, uh, that, uh, I'm stalling. that, uh, sent me out to tell you that, um, next week, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, the Mckenzie Brothers, will be hosting the show. And then, uh, after that, um, uh, Lily Tomlin will be hosting the show, Lily Tomlin. we're, we're real happy about that. have you people seen 48 hours? Go out and see that movie, Yeah. a new movie coming out with Dan Aykroyd called Trading Places, that'd be out June 24th, so go see that. I'm serious. oh, now I can go? Also, and then, uh, three weeks from we're Live, this man's gonna be hosting the show. But right now, I'd like to introduce to you a man that I feel is a musical genius, Mr. Michael Mcdonald. Don't let go Now. it's wrong for me to cling to you. somehow I just needed time from what was to be. it's not like me to hold somebody down. But I was tossed high by life. almost never came down. only to land here where love's no longer and I'm no longer bound. I can let go Now. |
dropout | the_most_intimate_step_in_a_relationship_hardly_working | So you know that guy James I've been dating? James Corden. No, Jim James from my gym.
Yes. I think tonight's the night. Tonight I'm gonna lick the plate in front of him. Are you sure you guys are ready? You barely know him. Licking a plate in front of someone is literally the most intimate thing that you can do with another person. I know, but I just like him so much. We almost did it last night. We were sharing a bag of popcorn and then there was butter at the bottom and I wanted to scrape it off with my finger and lick it from my nasty ass fingernails, but God I just like him so much and I want our first time to be special. Good for you. Get it girl.
I was with a guy once and I licked the plate too early in the relationship. What happened? It just didn't go how I thought it was going to. We were supposed to be going to this super fancy restaurant, but he messed up and didn't make the reservation, so we ended up having fast food from a drive through.
So I was in his car munching down on a burger and I saw there was some cheese melted onto the corner of the wrapper. Melted cheese.
Okay, ladies, let's not be vulgar. So I see it and I just like take a little level. Oh my God. Yeah, and I even I think swallowed a little piece of the paper. He never looked at me the same way again. I felt so dirty.
I don't know, I think James is different. James Corden. No, Jim James for my gym.
Just make sure you use protection, a napkin or a moist towelette. I know, I just really like him, okay, and I don't know, I'm nervous. The first time is always so awkward. It's not like how they show it in the movies. Right? They never show the moment after when your face is covered in sauce. Ladies, please. Get over yourself.
I just happen to be in a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend. She licked the plate, the cup, the bowl. I'm so jealous. How did you know that she was the one you wanted to lick your plate in front of for the rest of your life? I don't know, it sounds corny, but just when you know, you know. We're both really adventurous when it comes to food and we're both fucking disgusting, so it just works.
I want what you two have with James. James Corden. No, Jim James for my gym.
I'm saving my plate licking for marriage. What? I just want to wait for the right person, you know? You've never licked the plate? Well, no. I mean, one time I did lick the back of a spoon. Okay, okay. That is not licking the plate, girl. I'm perfectly fine if he just wants to lick his plate. What? It is 2018. You need to go out there tonight and lick a plate. Lick a plate!
No, I couldn't do that.
I'll probably just go home and lick the lid of a yogurt cup. Mmm, yogurt cup lids.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. Oh yeah, no problem. Oh, by the way, you and James have had sex together, right? Oh yeah, we fucked up my gym. Oh, good. This is literally great. Anyway, let's get back to work.
I'm so full.
Oh my god. It's disgusting. Ew.
What's up, Itali from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here to see some more cool stuff, and if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | reindeer_hookups | Man, this party is great! Whole lotta fine lookin' tail in here! Rup! Dude, don't use the word tail like that. It creeps me out when you use it like that. Why? What's wrong with admiring all the fine lookin' tail up in here? Bam! Because we all have tails, man. I got a tail.
Do you think I look fine? Nah, you're like a six at the best. You're an idiot. I am at the very least a solid eight.
And furthermore, I... Woah! Oh man, it's Becky Snowflake. She is so hot. I think tonight's the night, man. I can feel it.
She is outta your league, dude! She only dates sevens or above! I am a solid eight!
I... Whatever, man. I got a little trick up my sleeve. Watch and learn. Hey, Becky! Having a good time? Yeah, I... Woah, what's going on up there? What's that? Woops! Looks like some mistletoe got tangled up in my big, robust antlers. You're funny. Come on, let's get outta here. Holy crap, I can't believe that worked!
Do you have any protection? Protection? Well, I don't know.
Sometimes I can scare away predators with my antlers. I mean, a condom. Oh, no, I don't. But honestly, Becky, I don't think you're gonna scare away any predators with a condom. The condom is to prevent spreading STIs, duh.
Here, watch this video. Where did that come... Did you have that with you the whole time?
Condoms and you! The dangers of STIs! Hello, I'm Professor Scientist. It is very important to practice safe sex in order to prevent the spread of STIs. Symptoms of an STI can result in hoof rot, antlers sores, and even cases of reindeer death. Otherwise known as death. So remember to always wear a condom and keep those STIs away!
Wait, come back, Professor Scientist! Teach me how to fly!
He can't hear you.
Oh, right, no, I knew that, yeah. Okay, there's gotta be some condoms around here somewhere. Oh, jackpot! Thanks, Billy. I owe you one. All right, we're ready. Whoa!
I'll come back later. First thing tomorrow, I want that sleigh reupholstered and then destroyed. Trojan reminds you to spread the cheer and nothing else this holiday season. |
TheOnion | Obama_Begs_Voters_Not_To_Make_His_Daughters_Switch_Schools | President Obama kicked off his re-election campaign today asking voters not to make his daughters, Malia and Sasha, switch schools. Marie Byron joins us now along with Onion News Network's senior political analyst Jason Copeland.
Jason, nice to see you again. Hey, Brooke. Hello, Brooke.
It's an interesting strategy, don't you think, for Obama? Telling voters he knows that they don't like him, but if he had to move out of the White House and his daughters had to start all over to a new school come January 2013, well, it would just about break their hearts. It's a desperate move. He clearly doesn't have anything else to hang his hat on, so he's decided the best strategy is to tell people that a vote for a Republican is a vote to take away all of Sasha and Malia's friends and force them to get new ones. Yeah, well, no matter what you think of his policies or leadership, it's hard not to feel a little bit guilty when you see the Obama campaign's new slogan, For the Kid's Sake, featuring a logo of Sasha and Malia looking all doe-eyed. Yeah, I think it's really smart. Obama knows voters are upset with him, but his adorable, adorable children have done nothing wrong.
I mean, you know, Malia will be halfway through her freshman year of high school. Sasha will just be starting junior high.
His team is really pushing the message that, look, this is just too important a time for these girls. Yeah, and the strategy may be working, too, looking at some of the tweets that we've been getting all day. At Win Pan Zero tweets, I had to change schools in eighth grade, ruin my whole life. I blame all my many probs on it.
This is just a distraction from the real issues, and it's almost as shameless as Obama asking for votes because he's not sure whether Michelle's mother can handle another big move. No, you know, I think Obama's enfeebled mother-in-law is going to be a major issue in the race.
Marianne Robinson is getting up there. Her mind is not as sharp as it once was. You move her to new surroundings. I mean, look, she might wake up, not know where she is, wander into the middle of the street. That is just baseless speculation.
OK, you guys, Joe Biden was also campaigning today. He sent out several photos of all the posters that he put up in his office, letting people know that he put them up there with tape. So a lot of them are going to get ruined if he has to take them down. Very smart. All right, Jason Marie, thank you both for being with us today. |
cracked | we_remade_the_furiosa_trailer_for_20_20_movies_mad_max_movie_trailer_parody | How would the long it take? Whatever you have to do. Even if it takes ten years.
So pull them out! There is no help. I want them back.
It's not Furio, sir. It's Furio's song.
Witness me! Witness!
Mediocre. It's time to take what's rightfully ours! Water! Question is... Do you have it in you to make it a franchise? What? It's not the first time they switched my actor. Question is... Do you have it in you to make it... Oh my god. Bitch. Boop. What?
Do you fear him? He's my...
So pull them out! There is no help. I want them back.
It's not Furio's song. It's Furio's song.
Witness me! Witness!
Mediocre. It's time to take what's rightfully ours! Water! Question is... Do you have it in you to make it... A franchise? What? It's not the first time they switched my actor. Question is... Do you have it in you to make it... Oh my god. Bitch. What?
Do you fear him? He's my...
Fucking furious. Ugh. |
dropout | everything_is_too_pc_these_days | No, it's just a lot of cocaine, so when Katie gets here, I'll start the intervention. You're gonna lead it? Not a professional?
That's a little ghetto. What? Ghetto? Well, I can't say ghetto anymore.
Everything is so PC these days. It's annoying how uptight you are. I know it's easy to think that we're being uptight, but language evolves and it's fine to adapt to that. You know, we know you're not a bad person, so just apologize and move on. Stop being such a girl.
Wait, hang on. What?
No, no, no. You're a bitch, like a girl. Okay, that's not cool. Like the way bitches are g- Oh, oh, okay, fine.
Now that this is affecting me, I think I'm with Grant. Things are getting a little out of hand in the PC department. Where do you draw the line?
Thank you.
We're not being too PC. You guys are just being dicks. Take responsibility for the hurtful things you're saying. I mean, you're obviously using girls and insult, and that's retarded.
Whoa! Hey! Wow.
It's like no one can say anything anymore. You guys are just trying to find stuff that's not even there. You're searching for ghosts, man! It's like no one can say anything without offending someone else these days. Look, culture is just constantly shifting, and it's our job as socially responsible human beings to adapt to that.
Honestly, I kind of thought that you Orientals would understand. Hey! Whoa! What? I mean, okay.
Well, maybe PC culture is getting a little bit too sensitive. I mean, everybody's always pleasing each other's language. What happened to my First Amendment rights? It's not PC culture's fault, Siobhan.
It's just gay to call someone Oriental. Whoa! I meant gay as in lame, not gay as in the people. Man up, pussies. It's hurtful to use gay like that, and it's ableist to say lame. Yeah, and man up is kind of sexist. It's like don't use the P word.
It's gross. Oh my god!
I am so sick of this PC social justice warrior atmosphere. To live in a world where every word is a landmine is not the kind of world I want to live in. It's not the world's fault, okay? You're being a dick for clinging to hurtful phrases. You can still use them if you want. You guys know that everyone's going to think you're an asshole. Don't blame the world for being politically correct. You know, actually, politically correct is not really politically correct anymore.
What? It's a microaggression. That's crazy. Crazy? That has not been okay for a while now.
Then I guess I won't say anything at all. I guess you're always right, and I'm always wrong.
Oh, come on. Just admit the one goddamn second that we're all the assholes here. I'm not an asshole. Please. You can't get me to run an asshole. How dare you say that. I'm not an asshole.
You're a fucking asshole. You're an asshole.
This is why I do this. Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And now for a wipe breakdown. Star wipe. Diamond wipe. Venetian wipe. Iris.
Being uptight, but language evolves, and it's fine to adapt to that. We know you're not a bad person, so just apologize and move on. Stop being such a girl.
Wait, hang on. What? No, no, no. I mean, like, he's being a little bitch like a girl. Okay, that's not cool. Like the way bitches are g-- Oh, oh, okay, fine. Now that this is affecting me, I think I'm with Grant. Things are getting a little out of hand in the PC department. Where do you draw the line?
Thank you.
We're not being too PC. You guys are just being dicks. Take responsibility for the hurtful things you're saying. I mean, you're obviously using girls and insult, and that's retarded.
Whoa. Hey.
It's like no one can say anything anymore. You guys are just trying to find stuff that's not even there. You're searching for ghosts, man. It's like no one can say anything without offending someone else these days. Look, culture is just constantly shifting, and it's our job as socially responsible human beings to adapt to that.
Honestly, I kind of thought that you Orientals would understand. Hey. Whoa. What? I mean, okay.
Well, maybe PC culture is getting a little bit too sensitive. I mean, everybody's always pleasing each other's language. What happened to my First Amendment rights? It's not PC culture's fault, Siobhan.
It's just gay to call someone Oriental. Whoa. I meant gay as in lame, not gay as in the people. Man up, pussy. It's hurtful to use gay like that, and it's ableist to say lame. And man up is kind of sexist. It's like, don't use the P word.
It's gross. Oh my God.
I am so sick of this PC social justice warrior atmosphere. To live in a world where every word is a landmine is not the kind of world I want to live in. It's your world's fault, okay? You're being a dick for clinging to hurtful phrases. You can still use them if you want. Just know that everyone's going to think you're an asshole. Don't blame the world for being politically correct. You know, actually, politically correct is not really politically correct anymore.
What? It's a microaggression. That's crazy. Crazy? That has not been okay for a while now.
Then I guess I won't say anything at all. I guess you're always right, and I'm always wrong.
Oh, come on. Don't admit the one goddamn second that we're all the assholes here. I'm not an asshole. Please. You're telling me you're not an asshole? How dare you say that? I'm really not an asshole.
Look at that blue asshole. This is why I do this. Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And now for a white breakdown.
Starwipe. Diamondwipe. Venetianwipe. Iris. |
dropout | voter_registration_drive_live | Hello! And welcome to the College of Voter Registration Tribe! Woo woo woo woo! We're a bunch of you at College of Voter Palace here to talk to you about the importance of voter registration. That's right, in the United States of America, one of the world's oldest democracies, you are not automatically opted in to your status as a voter, and instead have to go through a series of processes, state by state, that allow you to exercise your right to vote.
Is it a great system? Not really. Is it our system?
Fuck yeah! And you're gonna figure it out. Uh, gang, we got a bunch of pals here. Say hi, pals! Hi! Uh, uh, incredible. We're all here.
We're doing a bunch of stunts, a bunch of pranks, a bunch of goofs, a bunch of bits, a bunch of lower drops. We have people, we're gonna read some College Humor sketches that never got published. We're gonna talk about some College Humor bits you maybe never heard about.
And the only person who offered to eat trash is someone on this Zoom call. And we are not gonna say who.
I don't think so.
I just agree. I love it as a test. You want me to screen share the email? No, I can deny it.
Don't tell anyone, but I want to eat trash. This is all a porn for me to eat trash.
Um, gang, we got a lot of awesome stuff to do today. The main action we're here today is to get people registered to vote and also to confirm that you are registered to vote. Gang, I don't gotta tell you that there's a lot of shenanigans going on with the voter rolls in this damn country. Uh, and the best thing you can do is even if you think you're registered to vote, use the tool that we have in interpreting the video to confirm your registration. So right now we are counting active first-time voter registrations. We are counting people that are registered in one place, but maybe you got displaced by COVID. Maybe your entire state burned down and you live somewhere else now and you can get registered there. Some states have their voter registration deadline in two days. So you might need to get on and you might need to get on it right now. Click that link in the video description, get yourself registered to vote.
And I'll tell you what, the more cool stuff that we get, the more awesome pranks, stunts, goofs, Lord drops, et cetera, we're going to provide to you. Let's take democracy into our hands. Let's charge forward and let's maybe eat some trash. Uh, one of us is going to, one of us and it's not going to be me.
I get that impulse though. Cause anytime there is something, it's like, do you have a talent to share? It's like, I don't know. I have a, I have a high tolerance for trash that I put in my box. I have a mouth. I could shove things. It's a talent. My mom will be the sacrificial lamb.
Uh, so right now, again, we are collaborating with our friends over at headcount.org, who are helping us out with all these numbers. We're going to get some numbers in in a second. But, uh, for our first, our first, uh, goal, our first voter registration goal, uh, Sam, do you recall how many actions we're at right now? Cause we had people were popping off and doing actions even before we launched.
So I think, you must be hungry for that trash. I'm hungry. I'm not going to eat trash. I don't consider it trash. You don't get, you don't consider coffee grounds trash. That's not what I'm going to have.
This is good. Oh, I see. You, you mean pre like, like coffee grounds, fresh and dry grinder. I can't promise anything that won't happen. Yeah.
Backing out of the coffee grounds is only going. I don't have access to coffee grounds. I will be drinking something and it won't be coffee grounds because I couldn't get access to them.
Or didn't want to waste them anymore. What do you mean? I am not in my house and I can't just ask because I have no access because I put forth no effort to get them. I will be having something. And if you consider it trash, then my God, you're very privileged, I'd say. I'm on team tail with this. Thank you.
I think I don't know if I would drink a whole cup of what I've seen that tail has, but I certainly wouldn't call it. No, what tail has.
Yes, you showed us. Yeah, you're still in the office. I'm not sure if you've been paying. I'm not sure if you've been paying attention since January, but I have some bad news.
Don't bring it. He's hard at work. Leave him alone. He's locked in. This aren't even moving. This is watching Netflix.
This looks like the day there was a day at work where Luke, I think he like spilled water. The poor guy spilled water on his laptop. And I know this is not the day that it happened. But the face, he's making this photo. We both wrote the Apple store and like spent half of the day trying to get his laptop to work.
That's nice of you. That is. Yeah, that's very nice.
Zoom in on this image of Luke to have him even closer to the back of your head. Yes. Let me hold on. I will work on this. I have three separate backgrounds where Luke's getting gradually closer. Call progresses. He's just sneaking up on you.
Gang. We have our first stats come in. These are fresh off the stat presses. Ooh, baby.
What's Raph's batting average? Raph's batting average is 194 and abysmal. Not bad. Raph's 194.
But we have 194 actions taken, including 27 brand new voter registrations. Shout out to everybody. So I'll be happy to sit here. I will set the first goal here. If we can get to 250 actions, we can get to 250 actions, I will drop the first of the seven maidens character sheets online. I have all the character sheets. They've been made on D&D Beyond. They're ready to go. And I think we have some other cast member promises here as well. So we'll get those stats to all you stat heads out there.
And I believe a trap. You had some titillating. Yeah, maybe we'll put trap after yours as the dangly, as the dangly character. I've combed through some old pitches that people had for sketch pitches. And I picked out some that we never made, some that we never even considered making.
But we're certainly brought up in the room and are worth talking about. What's happening right now? What do you mean?
It's Luke's. Yeah, Luke is actually here. He's not with me. Wow.
Just as pixely as ever. Samuel, it looks like your looper is about to kill you. We just can't do videos!
He's actively chewing. He's chewing food in his mouth as he logs on.
Yeah. See, I can't hear anyone. Oh! This is going to be great. I'm excited. Grant. Why can't you hear us? I just have a mouthful of celery. Is it helpful if I describe? Someone call Grant. What I'm doing while I can't hear anyone? Is that good?
Here, let me play around with my settings. This is how every Zoom call with Grant goes. This is a wild way to do this. I like that Grant has the portrait still in the background, but it's just turned around.
Hey! Oh, good to see you everyone. How are you? So good to see you.
Can I ask a favor? If Donald Trump dies while we're on this. Already. Can I be the one to announce it? I've always wanted to convey heavy news. Yes. This will be where Sam releases the footage of Trap where he says he's going to kill Trump. Grant, I agree. There's nothing that has more gravitas than calling dibs like a fucking ghoul.
Well, I just don't think any of you are up to the task quite frankly. I think it would have to follow the news. I'm not up to the task.
That's also how a real newsroom works. When people expect news is coming out of the pipeline, they're like dibs dibs dibs dibs. Grant's seeing the newsroom by Aaron Sorkin, so she knows.
Quite a bit. I've seen it quite a bit. And the Edward R. Murrow of College Humor. Amazing.
So we got Trap coming up and then we're waiting for 250 registrations. For everyone who's just tuning in, that first link in the video description, right when you go to the little description of the video, headcount.org slash College Humor, that's the link you're clicking on. That's where you're confirming your registration. And that's also where you're going to go and register if you haven't registered already. Again, there's a number of states that the deadline is literally Sunday. So go and check. You can Google voter registration deadlines by state. You might be in a state that you only got two days left to get registered. You only got two days left to get registered.
Make sure you go and exercise those damn rights. So hop on that right away. For everybody else here, how are we all engaging with the democratic process?
Anyone doing that phone banking? Anyone doing that text banking? Anyone doing that other kinds of banking?
A little hand raised from Grant? How's it going, Grant? This has been writing postcards. I've been writing letters for vote forward that reaches out to either democratic leaning people in swing states or just people who maybe don't typically vote. And then they reach out to those people.
And then I have also been doing some for local things because it's important, I think, to do both, to think about things that are happening locally and across the country because they affect you. They both affect you. Yeah, that's what I've been doing. Hell yeah. Jess, I really liked doing local phone banking because it feels so much more tangible. It feels so much more like, A, there's just fewer minds you have to change. So there's more you can control. But also, it's like, oh, I'm calling a guy and he's three streets over. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've been writing letters, but just to see that it's people in my neighborhood and then you write it out to them. It's like, I know the things that we see when we're walking around this neighborhood because I'm here too. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. It's so good for my head having one foot at least locally right now.
Selfishly, it's so anxiety and the opposite of inducing. It helps to relieve my anxiety because it's like something physical that you're doing, kind of like a little bit out of your head. But also, it feels like you are doing something good for other people.
So there's still letters to be written. I'm sure wherever you're living right now, you could just look up like volunteer, writing letters, writing postcards, and somebody that maybe you have similar beliefs to will be needing your help right now.
And then it's great. You watch some stupid TV. I got 12 monkeys playing right now on the background. The TV never stops. And you just do that fun, nice shit. 12 monkeys, the Brad Pitt movie, 12 monkeys? Yes.
Not lighthearted movie at all. I've only half been paying attention. I recently watched Bike Club again for the first time.
I mean, Brad Pitt really, just any late 90s, early 2000s version of him is such a piece of shit dude who is ruining society today. So if you want to blame somebody, it's Brad Pitt from that era, I think.
Don't listen to him. You're not interesting if you quote the things that he says.
He's so ripped. He's so ripped and hot. Guys, he's ripped and hot as hell, okay?
No one's going to deny that. He killed Kevin Spacey in 7 and that's good. Wow, way to spoil 7. Huge spoiler for 7. It's also been out forever. What's the statute of limitations in spoiling 7? I don't know if you want to bring up statutes of limitations.
Can we have a negative incentive where instead of rewarding people will be... We're going to start spoiling movies. If we don't hit 50 registrations, we're going to start spoiling movies really recently. I love spoiling things.
The most recent movie we can spoil is Sonic the Hedgehog. This Robotnik doesn't get his mustache until the very last scene of the movie. I went to a drive-in movie theater and saw Raiders of the Lost Ark, but next to us was playing Sonic the Hedgehog, so I kind of saw it.
Like when you're on an airplane and you're watching the movie person sitting next to you. You don't have any sound.
It's like, I think I can pick up what's going on. That was how I watched Dirty Movies as a kid. They showed reindeer games on an international flight to China, and there's sex in that movie. I was about to say, is that funny, Dirty? Yeah, I thought so.
What is that movie? Is that a Christmas movie? No. It's Clay Nation. It's as much of a Christmas movie as Eyes Wide Shut.
Alexis has brought me some ground coffee. I guess I'll be doing two stunts. That might be like the cinnamon challenge. I've never seen anybody eat ground coffee. That doesn't seem good.
It's good. Let him do it. It's a nice healthy scoop there too. My body for democracy.
Can I ask because you said you weren't in your house. Did you not ask for coffee grounds? Because if you did, you'd have to explain to whoever you were asking from that you were going to be eating it. Yes, I did ask for olive oil and explain the entire thing, but I didn't want to ask for coffee because that felt like an overreach.
Yeah. Know your limits. I got to know my limits.
I'm a great guest. I'm a very good guest.
Are we doing stunts? Yeah, what are we doing? I don't know.
We are waiting. We are waiting for the update momentarily when we reach that first 250. Perfect. But we do have a number of stunts coming up later in the drive. We also have a number again. There are certain things that are in the Google Doc for what are going to be attempted.
There are some people volunteer that they would give themselves a quarantine shave, which I don't know if that's a euphemism for something or not, or if that just means you're going to. It's a joker smile. I'm going to shave by myself. Shave where no one can see me.
A hundred percent. Google Doc, are we supposed to all be able to see it? Yeah. No. Brennan and I are the only keepers of the Google Doc.
Share it publicly. Share it with all the people. Share it. I'll shave.
Oh, Holy sh. Whoa. Holy.
What happened? So I guess it's going to start out big, right? And then probably tampered down over time. What happened? What are the numbers doing?
How this works is we get emails like every 10 minutes. There's no backend that we're looking at for live updating. So like we're, we're just getting emails every once in a while.
Oh, I see. Brennan, you want to say. Gang. Uh, we set our goal at two 50 for these next stunts. Uh, total actions, four hundred and 42. And actual register, like actual first time registrations, 55. Wow. Honestly, I was like, if we can get 10 people to just like actually register who weren't registered, this whole thing. Yeah. That's awesome. I think I'm still Luke for crunching those numbers. Thank you. Yeah. I'm back there. Um, get them a La Croix or something. Passion fruit, please. Um, uh, hell yes. Um, uh, so, uh, that's incredible. Gang. Um, uh, thank you so much for everyone getting registered volunteering.
Uh, I'm going to put the first of the seven maidens, uh, up on that up on Twitter. As soon as I can figure out a way, I don't, they won't let you up with a PDF to a tweet.
And that's sort of funny. Come on. I've screenshotted scripts before when sharing. Oh, I'm going to give an image. Yeah. Share it that way. I'm going to do, I'll just do a little, some snappy shots, some little snappy shots. Um, but in the meantime, uh, I think we also, did we, did we have a, it feels like whatever we were going to set for traps, uh, reading of bad sketch pitches. We certainly blew past. So I think that that might be a little, a little slammy dunk, uh, for, uh, reading these, reading these pitches from trap trap. You want to take it away my man? Yeah. I, I mean, I should reset expectations here. These aren't necessarily, these aren't like bad pitches necessarily. Oh, look at that. We're just going to extend it down all. Um, so maybe we'll sort of play with, with what these sandwich boothcalculating disgusting greens. Okay. Are there. shreds all the way through. Hold on.
Frankly. This is persona made for one reason or another, but I also think like there's, I would call more like B sides, like there's something in there. That's like, Oh, there's something fun and interesting to talk about. They just never like. You probably couldn't support a whole sketch. Talk's traps being a sweetie.
These are real stinkers. Okay. These are.
All right, Trapp, these are pitches that all, you pitched them or other people pitched them? These are a collection of pitches that I thought were interesting from everyone. Trapp is no longer our boss, so he's gonna tell us all the shitty things we did.
I love it. I never advertise this as bad pitches. I don't know how long it's gotten twisted. I love that, harsh feedback, I love it.
Truly the only one on here that as I was looking through, I don't even understand what this pitch was. It was from Ally, so they're not here to explain any further, but their pitch is just, Ryan calms Katie like a horse. That was the whole pitch.
That would have saved the company. Why did we do that?
That's the best guess I've ever heard. I would have to be Ryan. Look, that's what I wrote in my notes, is Ryan calms Katie like a horse. It makes sense. Yeah, it has to be Ryan.
Do you wanna beat him, that would look like? Yeah, let's do it, let's do a beat of it. Yeah, do a beat, oh yeah, do a beat.
I hate this, I'm having a terrible time.
Hey, hey, Nibble, just take a little nibble. A little sugar cube, a little sugar cube.
Oh, that's all right, there you go. All right, look at you, there you go.
Feel a little better. Yeah, better. Good, Ryan, she's beautiful. Oh, thank you. Ryan, hop on for Ryan. Oh my god. Hey, let's. All right, here's some coffee grounds.
Tae-Yo comes over, where are we? Tae-Yo, down a little bit on your tongue, I saw it. One we can talk about from someone here, which I do, this is one of Tae-Yo's pitches, which I do get what was fun about this, but I also know why we probably never did it, but Tae-Yo, you had the pitch, patching up Tae-Yo with ramen.
Okay, I know exactly what you're talking about. We all know, I think this works. Chat, pop off if you think this would work. The idea is, suddenly, I don't know where I get shot, and then EMTs come in and fill up my gaping wounds with ramen, smooth it over. We have people seen the videos this is based on, because we're incredible. Well, that Katie is precisely the problem. There's no problem with the schedule. People would patch up their toilets and stuff with hard ramen, and then mold it. It's these videos that we enjoyed watching, but no one else, I guess. Hey, I love this idea. I feel popular for a while, and that's one of these things where...
It's all right, hey, it's all right, it's all right. So, it's all right. It's okay, take a nap.
She shot...
Oh, there we go. Oh. Oh, oh. This makes me feel weird. Yes.
Well, there's three minutes of it. It's a full sketch. Get comfy.
Wait, did she... Wait, is it written out? Who wrote it?
This, the course sketch. No, these are just pitches, some of them are written out. This was just a pitch.
Tae-Yo, you also had the pitch. We all want to eat Tae-Yo's calves. Yes, remember it is. It was feeling himself that day. Tae-Yo, how many...
I love body sketches, a lot of things about my body. How many registrations for you to show your calves? Oh, yeah, that could be... Yeah, show calves.
So, we're at like, what, 400? How much? Let's do 500.
At 500, you'll show your calves? 500, it's worth it, guys. Get out there and register, but you don't want to see these calves. That's so close to happening. That's basically volunteering to show calves. Tae-Yo, just tell them to show them off. Show calves. I'm going to DM Tae-Yo to show calves. If I saw an Only Fan for Just My Calves.
Yeah. Oh, that is a very good idea. Your pitch was that you were on like, a deserted island with a group of people and everybody just wanted to eat your calves. Oh, I forgot about that. And I think it was specifically because we were all, we've all, for a long time now, have been in awe of how shapely and well formed your calves, and frankly, delicious looking, your calves. Yeah, I mean, they look great. Hasty looking. I think I had to be where someone would imagine, like in a cartoon when they're like, oh, I'm so hungry and they see something and then they imagine it as like a big drum, like cartoon drumstick. Perfect. There's one of Raph's on the list.
I keep thinking about the mommy one with the... I do have mommy's kisses on here. Well, that one was actually written. Yeah, yeah, I wrote it. I think about that sketch all the time.
What is mommy's kiss, mommy's kiss? Mommy's kisses is when Raph is a little boy and he runs into a ditch, and his mommy comes and gives him kisses to make him feel better and he keeps falling into a ditch.
Unrelatable. He keeps making out with the open wound. Yeah, it looks like a little wound. That's what it was. Should we do a reading of this sketch at a certain level?
I don't know if I still have mommy's kisses on my computer, I'll have to look. Raph, do you still have mommy's kisses?
Is that in your sketch packet for trying to... Oh. You just... Raph, SNL is starting his weekend. It is. SNL is a sketch. Lauren Michaels, I do like the mommy's kisses. You do? No, that's not in any of my...
But can you send it to us to read? To give some... Oh, yeah, I guess a little more context here. So I think where some of that sketch came from was we were talking about how...
Just this idea of when you're a kid and then sort of like, oh, mommy will kiss your boo-boo and make it better. And what if that boo-boo was just this huge game gaping wound that the kiss is not gonna do anything for?
Wait, that is funny. It was a great sketch. That is really funny. I wouldn't get enough of that sketch. In order to get to that point, Raph, your instincts are right to like, it's like, okay, we gotta get to the game beat as soon as possible, we gotta heighten this. But that also meant that the logic of the sketch was so wild.
I think the first line of the sketch is, race ya to the ditch. This is two people running towards a ditch.
So like, what world are we in? What world is that?
Oh, that's wonderful. You're in my world now, baby. I can see it.
I think I was out of the room when you did that, because I would have loved that. I don't remember it. Rekha was like losing her shit. Yeah, I definitely was not in the room that day. It was so funny. And that was around the same time as, I don't even remember what the sketch was, but in the description, Charlie Brown fully clothed. Oh my god. I do remember that. Raph did like that.
Fully clothed, in bed, fully clothed. Who thought he wasn't fully clothed? The need for the parenthetical. It's like, I know people can be wondering whether or not Charlie Brown is new or not. This child is fully clothed. I'm going to explain. I don't know. If you told me that Charlie Brown just had a shirt, I'd probably believe you. Right, but if you started to say, Charlie Brown in bed, parentheses, fully clothed, it just glimpse into a mind. Like people talk about like, unconscious assumptions that we make and things like that. It's like, here, this is a good example. So enough people are thinking like, he might be nude. You have to steer people that way. No, I think I was just thinking, I think it's funny if like a grown adult playing Charlie Brown is in bed with shoes on and like, and your normal day clothes.
All right, yeah. I totally forgot. The reason that Mommy's Kisses is familiar is it was read on the CH podcast. Oh. Oh, we've already discussed Mommy's Kisses. Dang. We've already discussed Mommy's Kisses.
It's one of these bad brilliance of the world. Track what other pictures of ours do you hate?
Yeah. I want to be clear. Who have tails? For sure.
I think like these are like, we've all been laughing at these. I think they're like, these are ones that are fun. They're just like, you know, there's a reason we didn't make them.
I pitched some garbage. I did too. Yeah, same. I also, I only have access to, I lost a bunch of the documents where I was like collecting people's pitches from ages ago. So I had to just like, what do I have? So it's just this like weird sampling of stuff from like the past six months.
Well, I think there were always weeks. I know always weeks when all of us.
Quickly guys, sorry to interrupt. We should absolutely do more rejected pitches from Trap. We've officially crossed the 500 actions mark. Woo! We are at 156 actions. Red time. Let's go.
Which means it's Teo's calve time for one. Show calve time! Oh, show calve! Show calve!
Luke, you're going to want to see this. Uh-oh. Luke, Luke. Luke, get in.
Oh! No!
Look at that. Oh my god. Sensoring. Punches. Yeah, it is sensory. Slapping it around. Oh my god.
This is not the ideal angle for the calve. Stand up and flex it. You have to stand up and flex it.
No, you gotta figure that up. Oh, here we go. No, you're going to fall. Oh, please do that. You're right. That's just your falling tail. Oh, let's fucking go.
I was going to show-all. Oh my god! Holy smokes. Save something for the only fans, Teo. And also, Ryan, at every voter threshold, you said you would do an awesome slam dunk on camera.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got my ball right here. And I know this looks like just kind of a bedroom, but right off the side, there's a full basketball court. Here we go.
Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. Holy shit. That was awesome. Thank you.
I thought you were just messing around. Yeah, I thought you were fooling us, but that was real.
No, and that's hard in a sweater. That seems really hard in a sweater.
Let's also quickly establish that at 600, someone is going to do something else. I'm looking at you, Raph. I think it might be your turn at 600.
Oh, OK. Oh, damn.
Now, I missed the top of the broadcast. Did we decide who was doing what when, or are we making it up as we go? So Grant, I wrote you an email yesterday that you did not respond to. In which I asked you to maybe like come up with something you were willing to do on air.
But we can do it live, bud. Hey, let's do it. Hey, let's say, you know what, we're playing jazz. Let's do this. Yeah, that's what this is. We're playing jazz. All right, how about this? We're just playing jazz. We're playing jazz here.
How about at 1,000, I will tell you how tall I am. Ooh, that's a good one. I see. Whoa, like actually like for really real? No, I'm not.
Let's get more voter registration.
You spoiled seven earlier. I'm spoiling this right now. Raph, now. Wait, Raph, have you not seen seven? Raph? Gang, it's all registration time.
Why did you do that, man? Why did you do that?
All right, how about this? At 1,000 registrations, I'll tell you how tall Raph is. Perfect.
And Raph doesn't know that one, so. Yeah, I don't. Brandt, you don't have to do this.
But I do have a suggestion that does feel like it plays into your strengths, which is that, so for our viewers at home, sometimes over the past four years, horrible news things would happen. And Grant would understand, they get very upset. And he would regularly make calls to other Congress people and just chew them out during lunch breaks and things. So if you are uncomfortable with calling your Congressperson, and you want someone who's well-seasoned in doing so, and you want Grant to call your Congressperson for you, I don't want to put you on the spot, Grant. No, I think, I love, I tell you what, every hundred registrations, someone in the chat can tell me who their Republican Congressperson is, and I'll call and say something mean to them on their voicemail.
Hell yeah. Oh, my God. So nice. I like this one.
That's really pretty fun. I prefer Grant to get punished. That's really fantastic. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, we can also just, I can just drive over and punch Grant in the head, but in the back of the head. Yeah, I think that's more fun than that. It would be very funny to just see me disappear from this screen and then pop up through Grant's door in the back. It would be hilarious.
You do not live that close to him. I do not.
Raph, you've offered for us to play Russian roulette with the 400 contacts on your phone, right? Oh, I love this. What we can do is we can come up with something that you have to tweet, right, or something you have to text, and then you will text someone that at random. Yeah, depending on what the number is. Yeah, I'll probably have, it might end up having to call anyway, because I have like four Domino's pizzas in here. It's like stuff like that, so I can't text. I can't text all of them, so yeah, it's 420 contacts.
Jumping in here real quick just to holler at all our viewers. You might've had some new friends come in. Hey, new friends.
So again, to everyone just joining us and watching the stream, we're doing a voter registration drive. You got two days left in some parts of the country to register to vote. Check that link. It's the first link in the video description. You can go there. It's just as important to confirm your registration as it is to register for the first time.
People have moved. Things have changed. Maybe you're not in your old apartment. Maybe some other thing has come up.
Maybe they just lost the damn name. Mysterious purging of the voter rolls. For some reason. Purging of the voter rolls for some reason.
I'm gonna go throw up.
I'm sick as hell. I got the COVID real bad. I've been shitting blood and vomiting piss for three days.
And let me tell you, you got a vote. So I'll go throw that on Twitter right now. Let's see how we're doing action-wise. Yeah, we already crossed 500. That character sheet number two is going up. Gang, I love democracy. Look at all these great people doing all this cool stuff. Hell yes.
What's been everybody's favorite vote they've ever cast? My first vote was for Obama.
Oh, cool. Oh, that's great. Right when I turned, it was, I was just 18 and it was the first time I was allowed to vote. And it was very exciting. And you're a resident of Chicago too. That's your hometown hero. Yes, truly.
And they were so cute. You're the only people who like them.
My niece was just born during that, the Obama's first election. And there's this great picture of my brother with her in the baby bjorn in the voter booth. And he texted us to say, Ella's first election.
That's really true. Oh, that's adorable. Wow.
I like, I enjoyed my first voting in California because prior to that, I had to do in-person but California has had permanent, you can opt in to mail in voting forever. And it's so much better. It's so great. I make myself a nice drink. I sit there with my computer and like the ballots all spread out and I go like piece by piece and I read all these like think pieces.
So like you don't have the experience like going to the booth and being like, oh, they want me to vote for a judge? Like who the hell needs you?
You can like get all those surprises out of the way first. And it's like, oh, this is like, this is like a fun like ritual I can make for myself. And it can be like interesting to do. It's a bit scary.
Or you could drop it off at your polling site which I've done both of and then you can track where your ballot goes. And either way I've done it, my vote has always gotten through and been counted. I like dropping mine off at the polling site because I, you know, I don't wanna, it's best both worlds.
You don't have to stand there and wait in line but you get to, you know, like see everything. It's fun, it is fun to do it, yeah. And it's like, oh, that's what the inside of this elementary school looks like. Yeah. They won't let it in otherwise. Yeah, there's a whole, there's a statute. We don't need to get into it.
This isn't live, is it? It is live, no one tell you.
We'll fix it in post.
Totally. No, Grant, no. The last, I think it was, maybe it was the last election cycle in California which does have too many ballot issues that they make us vote on but we got to vote to get rid of daylight savings time and that was a lovely vote to cast. That would be so pleasant. Let's be rid of that.
As a society, haven't we moved on? What are we even doing? Don't we still do it?
Yeah, well. Yeah, yeah, we lost. The vote was to like, to allow it to go to the legislature or something like that. I don't know. It was something like weird. Oh, yeah, no, you're right. Yeah, that's what it was. Right.
Guys, we just got another update and we have sailed past 600. We are at 638 actions. Which means. A few things are gonna happen now.
For one thing, we need another dunk from. Listen, you don't have to ask me twice. What kind of dunk does someone want to see? Come on, shout it out.
It's backwards. It's backwards, yeah. Backwards, all right. All right, here we go. Here comes backwards one.
What kind of dunk? You're right. Oh, hey.
Oh my god. That was incredible. How much air did you get, dude? 10 feet, I think. Wow. Yeah, that's sick. Yes, I flew over it. That's amazing.
And also, Raph, I think it's time. Now, before we go to you, let's establish what's gonna happen at 700. Because I think at this point, it's pretty safe we're gonna get there. Katie and I were emailing a little bit yesterday and we talked about how, as a part of this, we might do a spontaneous live rank room. I love it. And at a certain reward level where I think how it'll work is we'll each throw something out and Katie will simply pick the best one. Yes, I'll be the judge.
There'll be no discussion. No discussion.
Yeah, one, two, three. Moving on. Yes, Katie will rank us ruthlessly. Wow, that would be fun. We offer her ourselves and she ranks us. I rank you. I have an idea. Katie.
Because I feel bad that I didn't get back to an email. For every 20 actions, I'll put on another article of clothing.
Whoa. It's hot today, Grant. Grant.
I think we also have some senators in the chat that I can go hunting for if you wanna prep a call. Oh, absolutely. Okay, I've just gotta find them. In the meanwhile, Raph, the question is, who are we gonna call? What are you gonna say? That was good. Okay, yeah.
Sorry, everyone.
And then, yeah, what will I say? What will I say?
Keep in mind that I have people that I know in here and people that I don't know at all. I hope you call me. You're texting it to them, right? Yeah. Or calling. I'll most likely be calling, but maybe I'll text if it's a person and they don't pick up. I have a pitch.
Yeah, great.
You have to tell them Donald Trump died. Oh my goodness. Too controversial. Wait, no. Yeah. Oh, you all love Donald Trump.
Fine. I have a pitch. Wait, what's going on here? Are you dipping celery in a peanut butter? He is. He would have to respect us. Do you have a little chocolate chocolate? It's a flying video stream.
You should perform some of his Christian rap. Oh, I should call somebody and do the rap. You should call someone and just do your Christian rap.
Yeah, from your childhood. All right.
Should I introduce myself as the Christian rapper or just go right into it? I think I'm gonna raise yourself. Introduce myself. Oh, introduce myself? Introduce yourself, for sure.
Be my own hype man. In a cool way, yeah. Hype yourself. Yeah, hype yourself.
Okay. Man, I hope more than anything that it's Luke Field. It's in that rain. We need this picture, pick up a phone. Grant, I texted you some names that the chat recommended too. Oh, absolutely.
Okay, how do we want to pick the number? How should I do it? I'll pick the number. You'll pick it.
Yeah. Katie, no. I can do a random number generator. Okay. I'm sure. I hope it says three. I know. Three. Okay. It's a max of 420. Yeah. Oh, play them. All right. You're cool, ref. I'm gonna click the generate button. Three. Like I said, nine of these are Domino's Pizza. Okay.
The number it shows was four. You said four. The number four last night.
Oh my God. He's added.
400 of them are just Domino's Pizza. You have every Domino's Pizza in the country. Yeah. Sometimes you're traveling. You need to be sure you get a Domino's Pizza stat. You don't have time to look it up.
I love the guy who travels and doesn't want to eat the look. You just know what I like. I like the nose.
What number did we pick? The generator picked number 323.
That's almost three. Katie. Two, three. That's two, three. 323. Okay, so I'm going to have to count that out.
What? It's the worst system. What is something?
Ref.
Go ahead. Count 77 back from the bottom. Right. Yeah.
No, no. Do it the other way. Do it the other way. You can't be sure.
I mean, you can call it. I'll call it.
Everyone's on nine different phone calls at the same time. It's like an old telethon where it's like this bank of like all this making calls. They're all break calls. It's a break call telephone.
Hi there. Hi, my name is Ronnie Adrian. I'm a refrigerator running. Hello.
Um, Incredible. Okay. Raf is counting. Grant is looking at my proposed names.
Uh, for trap. Uh, someone from chat said trap.
Uh, you'd like ballot ready.org. from, a little note from Chant, hell yeah. I don't know, has anyone here had any, while Rav is looking up who he's going to call, has anyone here had any practice helping friends or family members make voting plans? Someone hipped me to this very recently, that they were like, one of the best things you can do is talk with people about their voting plans, because there's a lot of people, and it makes a lot of sense to me, because I do this all the time, where I like, hey, I'm going to go shopping this weekend for groceries. And then it's Sunday night, and you're like, what the hell happened to me going to get groceries? Because it is not very likely, no one ever does anything this weekend. You do something Saturday at noon, you do something Sunday at 3 p.m., but these sort of loose plans kind of get immaterial, and election day comes and goes, and people go, oh damn, I wanted to vote, and it didn't happen for me. So there's a huge amount of studies that one of the best things you can do, especially if you're watching this, because there's a lot of preaching to the choir, where if you're watching this, you're probably like, damn, I do give a shit about voting, but what can I do, I'm already registered.
Well, you can like food, I'm gonna go back. I can go back, I can go back, you know.
Oh yeah, it's so loud, man. Oh my God, look at us, look at us. Look at Gabagool, look at Gabagool. Look at where we are, you know.
And you just say, hey, you know, get yourself a nice plate of Gabagool, and head over to, and talk to your loved ones about like, hey, what's your voting plan? We got COVID going on, there's a lot of logistical hurdles to overcome in voting. I think a lot of people very smartly, with all of the weird news around voting by mail, are if and when it is feasible for them to do so. And they are, and it's sort of a six in one, not just in the other. A lot of people are choosing to just be safe, and like vote early, and in person. And I think some people also, there's like, people don't know all the different ways you can vote, because we hear horror stories of all of the weird voter suppression tactics. That is very much happening, but also there are a lot of states that will have polling locations open before election day. There are a lot of drop boxes that you can go, and if you have a mail-in ballot, you can drop it off like at a voting location. Again, it's not really uniform, it differs a lot from state to state. So in a lot of cases, you doing the research, and offering that up to your friends and loved ones, and people that you know, definitely are planning on voting, but maybe their plan isn't solidified. That's a really great way that you can help.
Rafael. Did you do it? Oh yeah, I already did the rap already.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you know my microphone, Brandon was talking, because I didn't want to be moving. I'll kill you. No, I won't, I won't kill you.
Oh. Okay, so the person, the number that we landed on is Steph Rader. Oh my God, I almost showed this to the camera, and I'm like, I don't want to hear it. We'll talk in post, we'll fix it in post, it's fine. That would have been awful. Okay, anyway. Who is that? Yeah, I'm gonna have to, so this is, yeah, wait, you know, oh, wait. Yes, I am there. You know Steph just through comedy? Okay. Yeah, just through comedy.
We had, we were on a sketch group together for a little while, and I haven't talked to her in, I don't know, two years, two, three years? When was the last time you sang to her? Six months ago. When was the last time you rapped at her?
Oh my God, and the thing is, she'll probably pick up too. So, so, Raps, you probably should not put her on speakerphone. Right. Why? So you'll just have to call her, we'll hear your side of the conversation. Okay, why not? We're gonna hear, it's gonna ring, and we're gonna hear. I wanna hear it, put it. Domino's Pizza, could I just get it over?
Don't prank us. I'm calling my friend. Yeah, don't prank us. All right, let me get the song down. Don't complain, do not argue. Don't get creeped to those around you. Keep your cool, don't be a pain. Gotta live up to the name.
Oh Christ! Christ!
Okay, I'm gonna hang up. And now I'm just gonna hang up, right?
Yes. You're not gonna like introduce yourself and say, hey, I'm wondering if you would like give me some feedback. She's gonna know who I am. It's gonna show up on her phone. It's true. I think that you should leave your contact rep. Okay, okay. She cut you out of her life.
Sorry, I think that you should say like you're wanting feedback on like a rap that you're writing. That's very funny, do that. But also, I just noticed something about your rap which is that it only seemed to be one short verse. Are there other, is there? There are, but okay, I'll have to learn it because I don't have the lyrics written out. I have to listen to it again. Do we need to provide context for what the hell we're talking about?
Yeah. Yes.
I was a Christian rapper for like, I don't know, a week. As a child. A week? Right, right, as a child, yeah. As a small child.
And there's a tape, a recording of Raphael singing this song, this rap that we love to play over and over and over again. The writers are obsessed with it.
So that is what he'll do. I have a- I think someone should call it up and we should play it. Or maybe we can do that at an even higher level. Oh yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have it saved. Yeah, because I sound, you do.
Yeah, Lily has it. I always remember, Lily can get it like Matt. It's so weird. Yeah, it's always ring time.
I don't know if I have it on this computer. Oh no. Can we have it on all my other devices?
I feel like Rekha just sent it to us recently over in Slack. She did. You know, I can play it. I can play it on Slack. Maybe.
Oh shit.
Is it happening? Oh, I already found the song. Did it surprise him that he called? Did she go like it? Here we go.
Everyone relax. Everyone be cool.
It's happening.
Oh my God.
This is my night off. I would rather do so many. I would rather do what Teo's gonna do than do this.
My palms are swag. He offered this. Yeah, this is gutsy.
I love it. Love it. I love it.
We're seeing a different kind of rap. I'm listening to the song. All right. I gotta leave a message. Great. Leave the rap.
Hey, Steph. It's Raphael. Been a long time. I just wanted to call you up because I know that this is a little weird, but.
So I came up with this rap thing and I know you're from Florida and there's like a lot of churches and stuff. It's a Christian rap. And I only have the one verse of it, but you're an excellent writer in any regard. It really is just writing. So I just have this one verse, but I wanted to give it to you and then see what you think. So.
Don't complain. Do not argue. Don't give grief to those around you. Keep your cool. Don't be a pain.
Gotta live up to the name of Christ. Christ.
Thanks, Steph. Hand me back. All right, bye. She called you back. That was awful. Woo! I know you're from Florida.
If we can get to 1,500 registration actions, Raph will block that number, delete your friends from social media. I have no contacts, never contact her again.
And that, that was a very funny message. It was so funny to say that.
No, it wasn't.
That was not flirty. That's not how I flirt. That was flirty. How do you flirt? That was flirty. For 1,000 actions, Raph will show us how to flirt.
I have great news, gang. We are from Florida. We are past 700 actions. Woo! And Raph, the chat is lightin' up. You're gettin' a lot of clout for this, my friend.
I wish I hadn't heard that you guys made me break. You guys made me break. I really, I was really tryin' to do it. Yeah, that ruined it.
Yeah, sure, she heard that. And the chat agrees. It was a little bit flirty. Yeah, it was a little bit flirty. Now this is a love story. Exactly.
Gang, so we've crossed 700 actions. We're less than 50 away from the next character sheet drop for all the Dimension 20 fans out there. We got more pranks, more stunts, more good stuff coming your way. For those joining us right now, we're about an hour into our three hours and we've already crossed 700 actions, which is real, that's awesome. We're so thankful to all of you for being here on the stream, taking this stuff.
Make sure to hit up friends, talk to people about getting them registered to vote as well. And for those that are already registered, feel free to use this time while we're all honoring the stream. Listen, there's one thing that actually all us college humor pals really do care about, which is there's a lot of elections and a lot of races running. I know that large national races tend to take a lot of the focus and for obvious reasons, but there are so many things happening in your town, in your state, right around you that are super important. And not only candidates running, but causes, props up, there are measures on the ballot. Registering to vote is not just something you do to like enter the sort of horse race of politics. It's also a way that you take care of your neighbors. I guarantee there is someone running in your town. There is something, there's a measure on the ballot right near you that you could make a huge difference in the lives of you, your family, and your neighbors by getting involved. So, and if you're already registered, maybe be like, hey, I'm gonna holler and see if one of those cool ass local causes or candidates could use some phone banking.
Maybe they can use a couple bucks. Maybe they could use something that you have to offer.
And hey, you see how many people, we have more than a thousand people watching right now. You got a lot of pals in here that all care about the same shit. Couple of y'all jump in there and, you know, put that two hours in. It may seem like something very small for you, but if we all do it at the same time, it becomes an overwhelming tide of change. So, and for all the new people after our first hour, check that first link in the video subscription.
That is where we're doing the voter registration actions where you can register if you haven't registered yet. You can confirm your registration in case you wanna double check and be saved, which I think you should.
And on top of all that, if you keep doing it, we keep giving you cool pranks and goofs and spoofs. Speaking of which, yeah, Sam, do we have anything else on our list that people have promised to do? Oh, we are, we have pre-committed Katie to doing a spontaneous rank room at this level. And so that is next. But before she does, we need another dunk.
Oh, hey no more.
Oh, folks, I think we can all agree this just keeps getting better each time. Oh, it's so good to hear this.
Someone just give me a name of a dunk you wanna see. Ryan, why don't we get- I'm flying shut. Ryan, why don't we get the name of the dunk from the chat?
Oh, that's a great idea. That sounds perfect. Which means we'll have to wait for the delay just a little bit. And while we're getting the name of the dunk. I actually have to get going.
So I just wanted to say, I'm going to a movie with Luke. So Luke, if you'll get off your computer, you can get off of you. We're gonna go to the drive-in to see a movie.
It was so great getting asked everybody. You can stay right there, Luke. You can stay in the boat.
And don't feel like you have to know everything. You can look stuff up and learn slowly and ask people that you respect and like around you what they think about things. And you don't have to feel super silly about that. That's what I do.
Cool, all right, bye everybody. Thank you so much, Jess. Bye. Thanks for hanging out.
So Ryan, the name of the dunk that we wanna see is coming from Brianna Jones and it's the Dunkaroo. Oh, that's amazing. Someone's got to clip this, send this video to Jess. I'll text it to her so she can see.
Oh my God. Whoa. Oh no. Oh my God. Wow.
Now, I will be honest, I did miss that one. That one didn't go in.
Still impressive. It was so, so cool. Because you just moved so smoothly. Seriously guys, coming from you guys, that means so much.
Yeah, I know a lot about basketball. Also, before we fly into random, Katie. Oh, sorry. I just wanted to hear Katie talk about basketball some more.
I love it so much. Name all five positions. Yeah. Name them. I was gonna do it off screen kind of in the same way that yeah. Smart. Kind of like.
Yeah, but we can still hear you when you're off screen. So just off screen. Like the basketball stuff should maybe be off screen. Just, you know, let's not have basketball be such a big part of this, so.
Right, right, okay. What is happening? All right, well, okay.
I think we're. So one of the chances are. Someone in the chat says, are they aware we could see their message notifications?
Oh, you said no, I asked, I didn't say. I thought you said no, I was talking this.
Oh my God. That means everyone's got a link to rap song. Good. Oh. Really incredible.
That's right. The senator that's been suggested that I call is Ted Cruz. And so let me, let's do the rank room. I'll get that all queued up and then have that ready to go. Ted Cruz, one of the worst political memes I've ever seen of the radical left express. Legitimately, that's what I'm going to talk about.
It's the stupidest. I've never seen anything so mind-blowingly stupid.
It's very fun to, like, God, I wish that we had the party that Republicans keep suggesting we have of the train shooting to the radical left and being like, like, you think Bernie Sanders is in the driver's seat of the radical left, like. Ed Markey tweeted about it and I thought it was the most brilliant take down. This meme is all, frankly, the best Democrats on a train being driven by Bernie Sanders called the Biden Express because Joe Biden's not in charge of his own campaign.
And all that information was communicated by a highway sign that was next to the train. Because you know how trains open highway signs?
Always. Ed Markey tweeted. Another senator roasted him to a crisp for that. Ed Markey, one of our best senators. Love that dude. Hell yeah, love Ed Markey.
I'll cue that call up while we get Rank Room set. Cool, so Katie, what's it gonna be? Hi everyone.
So my mother called just now and I had to text her back and tell her to not call me again. Mother, democracy calls. Mother, mother, none of this.
Hello to everyone. And I just wanted to say, let's do Rank Room. Oh no, I forgot how to talk. All right, let's do this for real. Okay, the question today, the Rank Room question today is what is the sexiest way to vote? Everyone give me one response and I shall rank them. Think.
Soaking wet. Yeah, wet ass pose.
I wanna sexiest. Sexiest, think, put some thought into this.
You don't have to rush it. Katie, I'll tell you what. Yeah? As early as possible. I like it to end super early. Just do it, do it. I like to ask for a rant. I like it, I want it to be shockingly early. When people be like, whoa, you're already done. That's it? Yeah, in this state, you start early and end early.
All right, I'm looking more for like, like physical things, like things that someone would say were sexy. Oh, great. I think I have something great then because I feel like now it's like, some places have touch screens, right? And is that right? Okay, so I would just, instead of touching it with my finger, touch it with my wiener and just kind of like. I love that, love that. Touch each of the little options with my wiener and you gotta click next to, I think, after you make your selection. I mean, maybe 25 times my wiener's gonna touch that thing. Yeah, I really like that. Great.
I got one, which is, the first thing that you do is you carry through with voting, just as you would otherwise normally do. But you get your I voted sticker, right? And then you come home with it.
Now here's where things get interesting. Oh, interesting.
Get up a nude photo shoot with yourself to put on social media. And you put the sticker, in the foreground, in a position that's just, you know, just appropriate enough for blocking out the juicy bits. And then you post it all over social media with no hashtag. I like that. What if one of your testicles was out? I'm just a thought, just a thought. Everything covered everyone has.
Just a hint at something else, you know? Ooh. A hint. A hint of color and some sign testing.
And that's actually the ball dangling down from the ball. I think that's really good. And then you get a really fun caption. You can do the thing where like you post something sexy, but the caption is like a little joke. And you could be like, my friends didn't always tell me I was left leaning.
Oh! Yeah. Wow. Incredible. Anyway, that checked out. Perfect.
Everyone has to supply me with one. Cause I'm going to do the best one. I'm going to do the best one. Yeah, I'm going to do that one.
With protection? No. Raph goes in with just a condom on. You're just voting with a condom on. No, no, I have a mask over my face.
Oh, come on. Exactly. I'm more of a, you know, let's get some romance in here. You know, everything's all, I think it's all wieners on screens and stairs on balls. I agree. It's a little wiener happy. What people like. Let's crush up some roses, put them in our mail-in ballot. And you can, when it comes in, you can smell just like, oh, like this is the smell of my lover. As we all say.
You're about to disqualify your world. Yes, of course. Yeah, would they think of that as a bribe though? I guess it's still just your phone. It's very funny to have your vote like disqualified because it's like, there's just rose petals mashed up into it, like, upping up everything. Can't see what the hell's going on. Yes. I have an answer that isn't, you know, early.
I'd say, I'd go with my friend Chad. Is that a hanging Chad joke in the year 2020? Let me tell you about Chad.
That was too old. Too old, what is it? The average age of a college humor watcher has got to be under the point where they could have been alive and that reference.
Well sound off in the chat. Sound off, you know. You know about hanging Chads.
Grant, let's see your Ross Perot impression. I auditioned for the TV show, All That. And it's a, and I, if I'd come in, it would have been in time to, you know, do Perot. Wait, no, that would have been after.
Who the hell knows? Guys, I'm fucking ancient. Can you explain the hanging Chad? I actually do not know what that is.
In the Bush v. Gore in the year 2000, they had to do a recount in Florida because everything was very close. And the way Florida did their balance that year, they, you had to punch through a little card. It was with the punch outs.
With your hanging. Yeah, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll wop your dick through it. And then it goes through. And the hanging Chads were when the stylists would go through, but the little piece of paper wouldn't fully tear away. It was just sort of dangling there. That was called a hanging Chad.
I don't remember why, but that's what, that's the name. That noise was exactly, that was exactly the color of the country. Yeah. That was the audition for all that. Just explaining it. Yes. And Keenan Keenan beat him. I also love the idea that all that had like political cold opens. It was a recurring character. Yeah. Why? It was a recurring character in the ear boy sketches. Whoa. It was the game of Ross pro and all that. He was quite rich. Yeah. He's just rich. He's basically like. Same as SNL. Yeah. To jump in and answer Katie's rank room. Yes.
I think, look, listen, sex, the, the biological act doesn't necessarily mean sexy, which is a matter of emotions and feeling there are cultural flags or cultural touchstones that have to do with what we think of when we think of that, that feeling of sexuality. So I think there's nothing sexier than a story, right?
So I'm just gonna, let me paint a picture for you if I can. Okay. We're, we're on a wind, we're on a windswept.
Is there a dog? What dog is that? Who's barking? Your story is upsetting my dog. We're on windswept planes with the dog's room free. Is there a dog?
I'd also like to take issue with there's nothing sexier than a story, but go on. Yeah. No, no, Grant. This is where you're wrong.
You gotta think about, you know what Grant, the number one, the number one erogenous zone in the body. The brain. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say, the brain. Yeah, for sure, the brain.
No, you're right. No, you are right.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say the mouth because you've got to know this. This is some finale of Game of Thrones shit. Who was the greatest story of sex at all? Is it perhaps the mind? I'm two episodes away from the end of Game of Thrones. Oh my God.
All right, so you're two, how did you get to two and then stop? You watched all of them like a month ago and you just stopped two away? I don't like finishing things like a tad. Grant takes shoots Kevin Spacey in the head. Oh no, and he doesn't finish. Why'd you ruin it?
My jacuzzi, good yawn. Oh, it's jacuzzi. Jacuzzi.
Okay, I feel like my answer wasn't taken seriously so I would like to reiterate, soaking wet. And by I mean it, that's not between you and anyone else, it's just between you and yourself. You go in, you're soaking wet.
Ooh, is it to pre-cum? Is it to a piss? Is it to pre-cum? No. It's pre-cum.
That was a real... Squish, squish, pre-squish, pre-squish. You vote and then you leave, squish, squish, ooh.
So vaginally wet. I don't think Lily was suggesting that you've just come out of a heavy storm and you're like, it's dancing dogs out there. I was thinking that, I was like, okay, I guess you're wet but if it's vaginally wet, that makes more sense. Jacuzzi.
Are there dogs in here? Who owes your answer? Yes, Brennan, let's hear your story.
No, it's not, no, it's not Brad Pitt. Can I imagine it? Can I imagine it as Brad Pitt?
Kevin Spacey? No, it's certainly not Kevin Spacey. Oh my god. Oh Brennan, why would you say that? Shit, that's a story of Kevin Spacey. Brennan, why would you say that? Brennan, come on. I didn't say it was Kevin Spacey.
That's like fucked up, man. That's fucked up. No, no, no, this is not correct or right.
Gang, we actually, we have crossed another threshold. As I've said, every 250, every 250, we are gonna throw another character sheet up on Twitter. We have blown, we have blown past the 750s. So we are gonna be dropping and tie upy Jones over on the Twitter, baby.
I never should've do that right now. And then, has anyone not done their rank room answer? Brennan, you haven't done it. Yes, you haven't finished your story.
Brennan, you. You remember being whisked away by Kevin Spacey. Telling a story about listening to Black Stallion. Fucking weirdo. Meeting Ryan Singer on the heat. Yeah, what is wrong with you? Mess. What had Brennan finish your weird story?
They ride on a horse.
No, no. Don't be, did I take it too far? I'm sorry. It's like going back to the coddling grass. Coddling, I just relapsed it.
Well, in any case, the point is, they ride this Stallion across the moors away from the young maiden's tyrannical father's manor house where he has declared that they should not fall in love or vote in their local, state, and federal elections. And instead, they ride across the heather to a windswept cliff overlooking the ocean. And there, on the cliff, is a fully staffed voting location. Where?
Fully staffed.
They get off the horse and they vote, okay? They get off the horse? They get off the horse off? And this is gross, you have space riding and they all get off the horse?
And I don't think this is sexy at all.
In the days to come, you are going to come. Katie is part of the horse. I'm part of the horse. What the fuck, man? The horse are coming, the days are coming. Jesus. Is this part of the, oh. Brennan.
Finish your story. It's done, my story's done, okay? No one let me be sexy about my horse story. I did not go yet, I have my answer. Hey, let's hear it.
Two words, sex swing. That's all. Oh, you're a sex swing date. Sex swing. On a sex swing, you set up a sex swing. Oh, sex swing. Sex swing, state? Didn't hear that. Sex, you go to the school gymnasium and you set up a sex swing and you swing into the thing and tap the button each time.
Oh, shit. Ursula. Damn. Hi, Ursula.
Cat butt. That's a cat butt. Let's see a cat butt. Let's see that ass.
Just call me whatever. Like that. So, Katie, now you have to. Yes. Now you have to rank us. Carolyn! Yay! You summoned me with the word sex swing. Hell yeah.
Hi. Hey, everybody. Hello, Carolyn. What's up? Come up with a rank room answer because you're just in time too.
Yes, what is the sexiest way to vote? What's the sexiest way to eat a cat butt?
Yeah. What? Like this. Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. Perfect. All right.
That's not what I said. So, my worst story gets dragged across a hole. We don't want to hear about your centaur. So, Carolyn can pantomime performing anal cunnilingus on a cat. Sure. How dare you say anal cunnilingus for you, sir?
I'm in. And I'm left.
This is unjust. It'd be so funny if we checked the stats and everyone undid what they've done. People are driving my flies. Please remove me from the rolls. I don't, I trust people I shouldn't have trusted. I have to undo four dunks.
Wait, what was the rank room though? The rank room was, what is the sexiest way to vote?
Some of our responses have been extremely wet, vaginally wet. Okay. Raph, what was yours? It doesn't bode well for you, Raph. Protection. Oh yeah, his was just with a condom on. Sam's, I like- Or does this imply that you're hard at the polls?
And it's like- You'd be hard. You'd be hard. Or is it just a loose- No, you'd be hard. You'd have- Okay. You'd be around.
Do you hear the cat purring into the microphone? No. No, but I want to. Mine was you vote and you get an I voted sticker and you come back and you do like a nude photo shoot where the sticker is placed just- One testicle out. Oh.
Well, that was Katie's contribution. That wasn't my contribution. I do think that's important. Me and Sam kind of did it together.
How big are these stickers and how small are these testicles? The math is off here. Huge testicles. The math isn't off. I mean, granted, I've never seen anyone else's jet pedals apart from my own, but the math is not that bad.
Anyone in the world? You've never seen anyone's? Man, I've DM'd you dozens of pictures of my testicles, so I don't know.
Oh man, we don't have an HR department anymore.
You don't, you know, the seeing genitals, you know, I understand where Sam's coming from because, you know, it can be gauche. Sure. Yeah, like- To see genitals? You know, I understand where Sam's coming from. Context.
Don't zoom in. Do not zoom in.
The result that happened in Grant's face. Grant.
Got up knowing exactly what to do. I love it.
Wait, are we gonna do the thing where Grant actually calls Ted Cruz? Oh yes. That's the idea. But yeah, should we do this? Okay, so Katie, while you rank, maybe Grant, you call Ted Cruz. Sure, I'm gonna get on the phone with Ted Cruz. Hell yeah. Face that, I'm with that in the background. Does Grant have Ted Cruz's number just from like, was it like Ted cruising?
There's some- Oh! Oh! Hey! Oh! Special guests! Yes! Hell yes.
Special guests with the- There's lots going on here, my friends. Lots going on. And for the right world. How should I catch myself up that is most efficient? We've got a week going.
Okay, you can just check that out. Check out our wiki. I'm gonna turn off my camera, just read through this.
But I'm cute. Can I say who I think actually had the best answer? Yes. I really do think it was Sam. Oh yeah. I would put that at number one, cause that could actually be sexy.
I'm furious. Sorry. Are you on the phone with Ted Cruz? I'm furious.
That's such a funny way to start a call. Yes. Wait, Grant, you have to start it that way now. I'll fucking call Ted Cruz right this second. Do you? Sam's correct. I probably can't, it's gonna be a voicemail anyway. But you'll only hear my- Yeah. That's fine. And do the Christian rap at the end. Yeah. Yes. Oh yeah, you know what?
All right, I'm gonna put the Christian rap as I remember it. I did a Christian rap earlier. I called someone and had to do a Christian rap for a random person in my phone.
Nice. Which is a big deal. Yes.
All right, I'm getting on the phone with Ted Cruz's DC office. And a tip, if you do decide to call your representatives, call their office in Washington, because their local offices are more for constituent services. And their issue staff is gonna be in DC. And so I will leave a message for Ted Cruz's staff.
I'm furious. You, sir, are the least funny motherfucker this side of Mike Huckabee. I have never seen such an awful meme in my whole life. You tweeted a picture of all the coolest Democrats driving a train on the highway and called it the Biden Express. That's so stupid. That's not funny.
You wanna hear funny? I'll give you funny right now. Or correct. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
My name is Grant O'Brien. I'm a resident of Amarillo, Texas zip code 90909.
Whoever's listening to this, go fuck yourself and quit your job. Goodbye. Why would you dig yourself the hole of I'll give you funny and not have a ladder ready to climb out?
I couldn't remember the rap. I could not remember when. But he still gave a pause for the rest of the work. I was racking my memory.
I couldn't begin to start. Rap, how does it start?
Do it for us. Do not argue. Yeah, right, exactly. Don't complain. Do not argue. Don't give grief to those around you. Keep your cool, don't be a pain. Gotta live up to the name.
Christ. It's not for Christ. Call a response. No, it's of Christ. It's a little call. Of Christ.
I didn't remember any of it. Weren't we gonna believe that? Wasn't that something we were gonna do? I think that is up on the docket. I think we should jump into it.
Is anybody else hungry? Yeah, I could eat. Can you get us something? You wanna eat? I'm hungry for some trash. I can eat. I can eat it out to the kitchen, if anybody can eat it.
Yeah, if you could grab me something to be great. That'd be great. You don't have to be trash.
Can you hear a secret that we all live together and out now? And we're all just in separate rooms. Behind the screen is everyone up. See the back of my head once you knock it over. So that is just over 800 actions, everybody.
I believe that means we need another dunk from Ryan. Oh my God, it's that time again. Which means that we need another suggestion from the chat in terms of what kind of dunk Ryan should do.
Katie, you've picked your rank room winner. I did. Which is me. You. I'm very grateful.
Who's Raph calling? What are you doing? We've got our call from. We've got our call from Grant to Ted Cruz.
I think that means, Teo, that you're up next, let's say at 850 actions. Okay. You wanna tell people what you're prepared to do? Should I do one or two or both of them at the same time? Should I put those in them? Do both of them.
Don't give us the option, man. I'm going to eat what looks to be a tablespoon of coffee grounds. And I'll have this much olive oil. You're gonna.
You're gonna get a great face scrub, Teo, but don't put that in your body. Don't eat your face scrub.
Or you'll order risotto the next time you shit. It's gonna be unbelievable. And if you get to a thousand. It's gonna slide right out. I will post a photo of my next bowel movement.
Jesus. Like a proud new parent.
He's pooping now.
It's Ryan, a suggestion from the chat, which I love from Daniel Friedman and others, the space jam dunk. That's phenomenal. All right, I'm gonna get my arms ready. This one is for all of you out there. These are offscreen dunks for those of you who don't know.
I believe in your good friend.
Oh my God. Out of respect for Michael Jordan, I will not be doing this, darling. Wow.
All right. Okay. There you go.
That was shocking. I did not see that coming. Holy crap.
I have to bounce out. Why? For... What the fuck do you have going on? What are you out of?
You're right behind me. Yeah. We're all in the same house, man. Yeah, so you know where I'm going in the kitchen. I'm getting something to eat.
All right. There might be something from a Mr. Zakoyama coming out sometime, which I'm working on with him. Ooh. So maybe, that was a little maybe something. That's all I can say.
What a tease.
But go vote, everybody. No. Okay. What about me, Trapp? No. Okay.
I'll audition right now. I'll audition now. Yeah, I'll audition. I'll audition. Yeah. I'll audition right now. Trapp, Trapp, if we all audition for it right now and one of us in the audition actually stumbles onto what the project is, will you agree to cast that person on the spot? Brandon, I'll tell you.
Oh!
Oh, that's my trap. That's a classic trap. What a jerk! That's a classic trap, dude. Classic trap.
I hate that guy. Yeah, that guy sucks. I'm fucking rude. I feel good saying that I hate that guy too. I hate that guy.
Oh my God. I'm glad he's not my boss anymore.
Pay this open link. What are we doing? Um, cool. Buh buh buh buh buh buh. Actually, this would now be a great time.
Gang, we are at the 50% mark. I have to say, both from judging the internal, I wanted to say, huge thanks to everyone watching right now. This is the College Humor Voter Registration Drive. The amount of actions we have is pretty staggering. We've clocked the numbers of other groups and streams and channels and the people that have done campaigns like this. Our fans are killing it right now.
Yeah, everyone else sucks.
I mean, I hope you know that you all are killing it right now because voter registration is hard. As you might imagine, a lot of the people that are sort of already like, you know, when you're talking about voter registration, you're talking about getting new people registered. That can be a hard thing to do because a lot of the people that are your target demographic are people that are politically up on the news or whatever. A lot of those people tend to either be registered or they've registered through some other campaign or some other activism.
For our fans that have jumped on and registered here at this drive, we are so happy and excited and proud that you're doing that. That is so awesome. So these numbers are pretty staggering right out of the gate. We're 50% through the stream. We've had, I believe, what, more than 800 actions already, which is wild.
Make sure for everyone watching this that you are... By the way, and we have like more than 1,000 people watching, which means a huge percentage of the people who are watching, Grant just said, haha, stream. A huge percentage of the people that are watching are going through and clicking that link. If you are watching and you're new to the stream, and you're not sure what we're doing, that first link in the video description is what you want to check out.
You want to click that, not only to register, if you haven't registered, stop saying PP. They're chatting while I'm doing the CTA. Gang, don't get distracted by the PP Poopoo Talk. Instead, click that link to...
To confirm your registration, or to register for the first time. I would also say, if you are one of those folks where you've been at home, you've been feeling the gloom and doom, you've been feeling the shred and dread, you've been feeling the crappies and not-so-happies, this is the time to get their crappies here, for sure. And this is the time for you to not only register, but reach out and make sure that your friends and loved ones are registered, right? There's a lot that people can do in terms of phone banking and texting, but obviously getting hollered up by a friend is gonna mean a whole lot more. And it's not something that you have to be weird about doing, because it's not like you're scolding these people, it can be checking to make sure that if someone that doesn't have a ride to the polls, can get a ride to the polls. It's about making sure that someone that maybe has moved recently is registered when maybe they didn't have a chance to get registered before.
Brennan, will you give them a ride? Yeah. Gang, what I would love everyone for you to do is, if you can get 10 people to register to vote, I am going to come to where you live. You don't have to get in touch with me. I already know, I know where you live. And I'm gonna come and I'm gonna lift you up in my big strong arms and I will fly you using magic to the polls.
That's awesome. Cool. And here's the thing, here's the thing, that thing that I just said is real in the way that Santa Claus is real, which is to say it's real in our hearts, which is in a way realer than things that are really real.
The important thing is for you to register to vote. And again, this is crunch time, right? If you have a couple extra bucks burning a hole in your pocket and you have a local candidate or you have a candidate you care about, maybe slide those bucks right now at the top of the month, right? Where they can do a lot of good. If you have that extra hour next week, what I know how hard is when you are thinking of getting civically engaged, you're like, what am I gonna have to do? There's gonna be so much red tape. There's gonna be, there is no candidate that is running for office. If they are a candidate you care about, if they agree with your values, they have policies that you like, there is no candidate like that you would agree with that has made it harder than two minutes to sign up to volunteer for them or to phone bank for them or to donate for them. I guarantee you, you are 90 seconds away from volunteering or canvassing or phone or text banking, signing up to give rise to the polls.
One thing I also wanted to shout out this year is, by the way, COVID's going on. Most poll workers historically are elderly citizens, elderly Americans who would be in extreme harm's way from volunteering this year. If you are a young person and you have never thought about volunteering for poll working before, it is one of the most active ways to help protect our democracy. We know there's a lot of people that engage in voter intimidation and voter suppression out there. If you are a young able-bodied person who can do so safely, you are not immunocompromised. I highly suggest that you consider signing up to be a poll worker because they need them and you can be helping someone who is immunocompromised who maybe would not be able to do that safely this year. So consider doing it.
And as always, poo-poo pee-pee crappies. Yeah, all right.
So I'm glad there's moderators for the YouTube, but not for us, no one can follow you. This is terrible double standard where our fans have to be better behaved than we are.
I truly love it. Thank you, Mads, for all of your support during the stream. We couldn't do any of this without you. We appreciate you so much. Lending your Friday Eve to us. Hell yes.
Gang, we have cleared 800 actions, as we've said. Out of 1,000, y'all are gonna get the next character sheet.
We have a bunch more stunts and spoofs and goofs in the way. What spoofs? What spoofs are we gonna be spoofing in particular? I was not told about spoofs. I'm gonna spoof you. Oh, hey, hey Grant, hey Grant, I'm gonna spoof you, my dude.
Holy shit, I'd like to see a satirical send up of me. It's a spoof off, it's a spoof off. Boof off. Okay, this is my satirical spoof of Grant O'Brien.
Is everyone ready? Closing my eyes. Yes, do you have glasses? Can I borrow your glasses? I'm gonna go get glasses.
Hold on one second. Oh, this is a team spoof. I'm literally gonna go prepare a Grant O'Brien spoof. Everyone, I'm gonna holler right now.
We've had a bunch, we've had more. I can't imagine I wear the same glasses. What's up, you guys? We do, yeah, we have the same glass.
That's true. So you're about to get your ass fucking roasted, pal. Wait, let's see it. Hey Grant, what about, instead of Grant O'Brien, Grant, no brain. Holy shit. Oh my god. I love that.
Hey Sam, could I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, sure. No, but so like, I volunteered my time. And it just, I don't know, like we go way back and it's not a big deal, but yeah, I don't know, that's kind of fucked up that you said that. No, no, no, I know, I know. Making the stream entertaining and you're right, it was just like, I just thought it was like off the top of my head, this might be funny. You're trying to be funny, I get it, stuff comes up and it's just, but I'm, cause you know how I have a history of no brains. And so I, if you just- I could have been more cigarette, I could have been more sensitive. I appreciate that, just let's not do that again, okay? Yeah, okay. Can we just pretend like this, you know, can we both come in laughing like, you know, like we- I'm going to try, it just, you go in, I kind of need to not be around you for a second, okay?
I understand, I understand. All right. Hey Grant, can you get back in your chair so that I can roast your ass to your fucking face? Great. Yeah, good, good.
That was really awkward. Yeah, that was really tense. Yeah, we were gone running, the whole thing happened. You missed some shit. There was some real- What did I miss?
Grant and I had words, it's okay. No, no, no, no. It's fine. It's fine, everything's fine, no, no, no. It's totally fine, it's so funny.
So Sam said, it's just so funny. Sam said, hey, what about Grant, no brains instead of Grant O'Brien? And that's so funny to me. I mean, no, because he's just, it's so sharp because I don't have a brain, is what he's saying. Grant, he's on that. Oh my God.
Anyway, Brennan, what were you going to do? Okay, here's- Don't do it, Brennan, just do it. Yeah, I don't know if he's going to be able to handle it, Brennan.
No, I think he got it. It's funny, it's so funny. Finish him, Brennan, finish him. All right, all right. Rip his heart out. Okay, are you guys ready for this one? We're ready. Great, hold on one second. Holy shit. I mean, let's be honest. Dennis Miller is the Dorothy Parker for people whose Jim Jordan is AOC. Oh, baby, y'all hear the blues looking all in. Yeah. Got your ass, dude. Do me, do me that.
Can I talk to you? Can I come over here? Oh, no. Sure, you want to talk to me? Yeah, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. Oh, jeez, I don't think he took it off. Hey, listen, I can't really go off on Sam because once in a while he'll throw me some work. What the fuck is happening? I mean, like, I don't know.
Oh, you shit. For you to come at me like that, we're done, man. I know that we're having a fight, but I'm trapped in quicksand. Oh shit, wait a minute. Okay, all right. All right, go as flat as you can.
I'm trying. I'm thinking more. Oh, God, I'm gonna get something.
Okay, things are going well. Things are going great. Things are going well.
Man, man, help me. Oh my God. Oh, wait. Hold on. There's a hand.
Can I have my glasses? Oh, it is. All right, is Asper her glasses back.
Oh my God, I am full on crying. That was really tense and really awkward.
Oh, nothing's, everything's fine. There's no quicksand. That was really bad. Everything's good, everything's fine.
I feel tense from that. I feel incredibly tense.
Hey, Teo. Luke is shook. Oh, fuck. Uh-huh.
How's your appetite? It's non-existent right now, but. Because I have news.
Oh, no. This is the worst one. We're at 868 now. This is terrible.
I have some time for my final rites. Oh. Yeah, what do you want your last meal to be? How do you veer out coffee rounds?
I thought I said it at 850. Didn't I say it at 850? Oh, I thought I said 900. But if it's 850, I'll do it now. Did I say 900? I thought I'd say 850.
I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't tell me he's allowed, Teo. This is for a good cause. Yeah. What? Caroline and Luke, do you know what Teo's about to do? Yeah, he's.
I think I. He's going to eat human shit. No, no. They all sent him our shit and he didn't eat it. No, you did, but I'm not going to eat it.
We mailed it. We mailed our shit.
So we will wait to 900. No, we're not going to wait to 900. That's the time.
No, we're not.
Let's just get some water ready. I just don't want to get it. OK, here we go. Here's here's starting.
No, you don't choke to that. I know this is this is just fun and not personal. He's going to be one bite. Did you say one bite? This is fun.
Oh, oh, I thought that was all. OK, he's going to do it with water. OK, it's not just dry. Oh, oh, Teo, your insides. He's going to be up all night. That's why I thought I was left for this. Even more intense, right? He did that with some dexterity, like someone who's like done it before. Like it was it's all going to his calves. That's how he gets so jacked. OK, that was the coffee. Oh, man. And the olive oil.
How do you feel? Yeah, how do you feel? What's right now? I feel normal. I feel normal right now. OK, yeah.
Teo's eating raw coffee grounds. And now he's about to do like a drink, a glass full of olive oil.
Oh, God. Ew. Oh, what was that? What was that?
You didn't have to do that. I mean, we wouldn't let it slide. I feel so bad wasting it because it's not even my coffee, you know. Hey, oh, I forgot. It's olive oil. Dude, I think I fear this more. Stop, dude, stop.
That's just I piss. That's piss. That's not piss. Oily piss. That's piss.
Teo, teo, teo, teo. Teo, teo, teo, teo, teo, teo, teo, teo.
Yeah. Ew. Better than the coffee, though, right? Gotta be.
Oh, don't go back. What's your interesting choice to do this? He's a completionist, and I respect that. All right, jackass, if you guys are higher, and let me know, man, I want to be a... You've done the oil first. Yeah. The order, you should've done the oil first to lube it out. Yeah, you did the order weird. Yeah, Teo, that was what I got wrong.
I feel OK. I feel honestly pretty good right now. That felt pretty... That felt like a rocky breakfast, you know?
Ooh. Sure. That was a lot, just like Rocky. Teo, will you keep us updated on how you feel? Yeah, I'll do that. Because you're now like a living experiment. Yes. Yeah.
Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe I'll feel stronger. Hey, maybe.
You just unlocked some new health craze. You're going to be so caffeinated. It's so late in the day. This is true. I forgot about that part. My challenge is doing three rails of fucking pure Colombian coke. Oh, shit. I'm going to be up too. Get ready.
Should we all? Oh, no, we don't have to. That wouldn't be... But should we? I mean, what?
Yeah, you can have a bump grant. I'll do it. Yeah, someone go to the kitchen and get coke for everybody. OK.
So, gang, we have passed the 850 mark, which means we are on our way to 900. 900 actions. Pretty incredible.
I have here queued up Raph's actual rap track from when he was a kid. His Christian rap track.
We might as well play that at 900. I think that's a great goal. Lily, I believe you had something that you were willing to do for us at a certain threshold. Is that right? Oh, oh, what?
I need ice cream. Is that a carton? Are you eating ice cream?
Not that, not that. No.
Oh, yeah, I think I could do this. Sam asked, and I was like, here's a thing I can do.
And then he didn't ask for any more, so I didn't know if it was on the docket. I didn't stretch or anything.
Is that the one? That's the one I was thinking of.
But we can get creative, Lily, if you want to do something else. We also have my controversial opinion. But I want to see it right now. Oh, jeez. I'd like to see both. OK, so wait. Is it true that you can put both legs behind your head? Is that right? You're not wearing any panties right now? You know, at one point, I could. And it's hard to know if I still can do it. Oh, boy.
Even the effort seems like it's worthy of that high registration level. 900 is round the bend. Oh, 900.
Not yet. Get stretched. Get warmed up. Yeah, get stretched. No, eat some ice cream.
That'll, that'll, that'll, that's the play. So if we get 900, are you going to put, you put both your legs behind your head? That's what's going to happen? That's what I said I'd do, Lou. Lou, everybody is.
We should stretch. Is this how? We should all be stretching. Oh, this is stretching.
Oh, yeah. I do have interest in who can get the closest to what Lily does. I am actually curious myself. Katie, I think Katie can do it. I can do it. You can tail. Wow. Is that one?
Tao, is that somebody else's leg beat somebody else's leg? Yeah, I mean, it's somebody else's leg. That's a third leg that's thrown because of what Tao is putting his body.
Just pop that in me. Oh. That's scary. I, my knee just makes noise by itself. Oh, yeah. My knees make a click sound every time I bend them. Your bones are very wiry, so it would make me uncomfortable to see you do that. I get that. Don't attempt it. Yeah, that's reasonable.
No, I want to see it. And I'll give it a shot. I want some of that ice cream.
Oh, that's good, Grant. That is amazing. Oh, no, don't hurt yourself, don't hurt yourself. That's good. Oh, you're also flexible.
Yeah, I don't know how this is happening. What should I be doing?
This is it. This is it for me. This is it. Right here, this is it.
You're like a little Lego man. You can't go past top way. Don't fucking do this. Don't bring up my fucking Lego. Don't call me a fucking Lego man, all right? This isn't middle school. Nobody calls me Lego man anymore, OK? That's my past. Hey, lose that fucking Lego man. You're my fucking own face, everybody. Real Lego man. Shut the fuck up.
Great. No, don't. Hey, Luke, can I see you over here for a second? OK, yeah, all right. Let's do this. Oh, they're both going the same direction this time. Uh-oh.
Guys, what in the chat said, is that an uncommon talent? Yeah, I saw that. I have no idea. Wait, how are you seeing what they say? I don't think so. Everyone's talking so loud in the other room that I can't hear you.
I just want to say, look, I'm really, I feel badly about the Lego man thing, and I went along with it because it seemed good for the moment for the joke. But I want you to know, I felt uncomfortable about it. And I saw you were uncomfortable about it. I don't feel bad, Lego ass bitch.
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
I'm going to go back in there and fight somebody, OK? I'm going to fucking ruin, I'll run around this entire fucking house and fucking haymaker everyone.
If everyone keeps calling me Lego man. Lego man, you're Lego man.
So I'm going to have your back. I want you to know I'm going to have your back.
OK, great. You know, I will save this. I'll save this. I won't bring it up on the street. I'll save it for afterward. But I want you to know, tonight, me and you are going around to everyone's bedroom, and we are going to punch them in the fucking face while they are asleep, OK? Yes, yes, OK.
Because they're a bunch of Lego people. Yeah, yeah, they're the Lego people. They're the Lego people. You're the Lego people. You're a Lego person.
Shut up!
OK, let's just go back in there and like, let's just walk back in laughing at stuff. Like we just had a lot of fun and we're not going to punch everyone while they're asleep tonight.
Yeah, OK, ready? OK. Hey, guys. Oh, that's great. Oh, good. Nice break? That's great. What were you guys talking about?
Nothing. No.
What was funny? What were you laughing about? Why did you? Yeah, why did you come in laughing? What was the joke?
Do you guys remember those Geico commercials with the camel? Oh, so good. It was like, come day? Those were really funny. That one is really funny. Yeah, OK, let me see. Honestly, Geico has done a really good job over the years to be fresh. Geico is so funny, dude.
Dude, just when you think it's one thing, they switch it up, you know? It's unreal. Every time, every time I'm like, wait, hold on. It's the band Roach or Raps or whatever that's a commercial. Yes.
Dude, Teo is throwing up so hard. Oh, my god. What did he leave? He's just going to check in on Teo. Teo is fucking coming out of both ends. Does anyone have Teo's phone number? Honestly, I think he might be sick.
Do you guys want me to call him? Just text him and make sure he's OK. He did put in the chat, I am fine, I will be right back. No, the way people who are fine talk. Yeah, I'm still going to text him. I texted him, I texted him. It's all good. He said he's fine, so I assume he is.
Sam, a lot of times people say that, and they're not fine. See, I disagree. I take people at face value.
Ooh, everybody, we're creeping up and up. We are at 873 actions, gang.
That's 873 people that have either confirmed their registration or registered anew. It's probably worth saying, too, if you think you're already registered, this is a great opportunity to go to the world. And registered, this is a great opportunity to go to the website that's in the link in the description below and make sure enter in your full name, your zip code, et cetera. You never know if, just by not checking in this year, you somehow managed to fall off the voter registration role. You've moved, you forgot to register a new go.
Double confirm, and when you do, that counts as an action, and then action propels us forward. In this cloud of chaos, we are calling a stream. We got one hour left, or thereabouts, on the stream. I think it's time for some promises. I think we're going to go with a bang. I'm going to make some promises here. Oh, shit. We're going to make some promises here. We are creeping up and up, but I want us to blow this out of the water. So here's what we're going to do.
At 1K actions, 1K actions, I'm going to release every last character sheet on Twitter. You're going to get all the rest of the seven. You hear that, D20 fans? You hear that? For all those D20 heads out there, if we get to 1,250 actions, 1,250 actions, I will reveal secret lore concerning the Princess Safria from A Crown of Candy.
And if we can get to 1,500 before 7 PM, we got one hour to do it. If we can get to 1,500, no way.
And at 2,000, Teo shows whole. And at 2K, Teo shows whole.
If he's not going to see his whole right now, I do not want to see his whole. It's gritty. Now, Lu, as a participant, as a part of this world, as a part of the world of Candia, how does it feel knowing that this lore is just, it's right there on the edge of Brennan's tongue. Here's the thing, guys. I also want to know this lore.
And I've asked for it time and time again. And I've always been denied.
So know that by doing this and participating in these actions, you're giving me a gift as well. So even if you don't want to do it for yourself. Bread with butter on it? Yeah. Also known as toast. Here's what I'll do, too. It's one of the promises. Toast.
Here's something I'll throw down just to try to see if we can make it to this 1,000 mark before the end of the stream, if we hit 1,000. So the most recent episode of Game Changer released today, it's a very funny episode with Mr. Grant O'Brien as well as Trapp and Rekha, sort of a sequel to their sponsored episode from last season. If we reach 1,000, I will reveal the premise, the game, of the next episode that releases two weeks from now featuring Willy Doo, Carolyn Page, and Tay Oye.
Wow. Can I ask you a question about that, Sam? Yeah. Where are you from? Oh, good. All right, now we can really get serious. And show our holes?
Should we all go around and say a favorite memory about Sam? Oh, he's back. Don't tell him anything good while he's here. No, we can't let him know that we like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to be mean to Sam when he's around.
Boo.
He's actually given a lot of us an opportunity. Oh my god, he's opened up a ton of doors, yeah. Oh my gosh. And it's so funny in his own right that it's just. Absolutely.
Boo. Oh my god. Dirty ass nasty. Lame Sam. Oh, shame.
You know, Sam was so inspiring to me when I came out to LA and kind of helped me through the transition. It was such a difficult time. He told me some really wise words.
Oh, lame Sam. Lame Sam, so short. He was gone when I said that.
I am a small man now. I am a small man.
Do you know if you Google my height, it says like I'm 0 foot 0. What? I do know that. Let me. Wait, somebody changed it. Now it says I'm 8 feet. Oh, I want a ball. Oh no, it says I'm negative 8 feet. There you go. Sam, you're not actually 0 foot 0, are you? I am. You're two dimensional? I exist on a plane, like a plane card.
Josh Romann. Hello. Hey, I found my light. Sorry, I have hair that looks like a serial killer, tried to be a single dad, and a good one.
Josh, you're very wet. I'm soaking wet, guys.
Best way to go to the polls.
Well, I'm worried about 45, you know? He got in that helicopter and was kind of like, you know? I crazy, isn't it? They flew the president to the hospital today.
Oh, have you not talked about that yet on stream? No, it's fucking fully bat shit. Yeah, we haven't talked about it a lot on the stream.
You know, we were afraid that some very dark jokes might happen. Sure. It could be like the president could die, but it will complicate the Supreme Court. Yes, no. It will complicate our live stream. Like a joke that I might say would be like, I hope he dies, and I'll be happy if it happens. That would be a joke that I might say. You don't want to do that, but it would just kind of like.
The chat is going crazy with all of these friends of family who have arrived. Just to briefly check in and to catch Josh up since he is new to the stream, Josh, we are at 873 actions, meaning 873 folks have either confirmed their registrations or newly registered thanks to this stream. And at 900, some more wild stuff is going to go down. I've committed at 1,000 to revealing the premise of the next Game Changer episode. Brennan is going to do a giant drop of D20 related lore around 1,000. The rest of the Seven Maidens character sheets around 1,000.
Lily apparently can at least attempt to put both legs over her head. Get ready. Teo, you look like you're frantically googling side effects.
How much olive oil is OK to eat? How much is too much? They would just drink a full cup of olive oil and had coffee ground as a little appetizer. Yeah, Teo did have a very unappetizing meal at an earlier threshold.
I'm feeling good. Josh, at the right level, we can decide when it is, want to play a little celebrity impression game with you. But we're not there yet. So hold on to your bottoms, everyone.
Brennan did a great impression of Grant. It was really funny. It was really, really funny. It was very good. I liked how funny it was. That's what I liked about it. Oh, well, when you're roasting delightful people, it's always a pleasure in and off. Everybody had fun. It was really good.
Hey, Grant, can I talk to you outside for a second real quick? Out here? Yeah, sure, of course. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, what do you need?
I'm secretly a big bunch of bugs. I'm a big bunch of bugs wearing a man suit.
Bees? Right. Oh, my god, it's all the worst bugs, too. It's scorpions, and bees, and. Yes, bees. Can you name five more bad bugs for beetles and? Yeah, three to go. Uh-huh.
Yeah, you know, the ladybugs are bad. You think ladybugs? Ladybugs are one of the bad bugs? Yeah, it's among the top five bad ones I can name.
You are wasps and houseflies. Yes, houseflies, wasps, ladybugs, and scorpions. Not technically insects, but let's be honest, bugs are a loose category. Yeah, that's creepy crawlies. Creepy crawlies. Please don't tell my friends that I'm not a man, but a big bag of bugs.
I'm not going to say anything, but that's fucked up, dude. This is crazy.
Please teach me how to vote, Grant. How do I do it? OK, so first you have to get registered. Do you know where you do? Are you registered to vote? Do you know how to check? Wherever would a big old bag of bugs go to register to vote?
Sure. Well, there's probably a website that the... I must say no. He doesn't know. You don't have the name of the website for this stream, Grant? And if I was by my computer and not over here, I could probably see it, but gosh, I wonder if one of my friends could yell to you for a good place to register to vote. No.
Headcount.org, Grant. Headcount.org. Hey, you could go to headcount.org and enter the relevant information. Oh, I wouldn't try to count all of my heads, Grant, for I am so many bugs.
It's unpleasant to gaze upon you. I'm going to tell you that right now. Time for me to continue my clever ruse. All right, well, we'll both go back and laughing like nothing bad happened. Oh, no. You're all bugs. What? Hey, Lily, I got news for you. We are at 932 actions that happened in a big hurry. We slowed down only to speed up a touch. Uh-oh.
Hey, I used to be able to do this when I was seven years old. Now I'm 31. We're all going to do it together. Is that the last time you did it?
Oh, my back.
That's too much quick. OK, everyone else now. All right, Teo, I got my money on you. Grant is so close. I know. There's like one muscle that will not do it.
One and two is that's a big distance. That's a big difference. Yeah, I'm really covering a lot of ground.
Ryan, we haven't had a dunk in a while, so I'm going to ask the chat. Well, well, well, the time is back. We've hit 930, and that means it's time for me to do another dunk just off screen. I got a full basketball card over here, and it is time for a dunk. And this time, I'm not waiting for a suggestion. I'm going to do the little Lego man-like dunk.
Oh, we're going to get him, though. We're going to get him. Hey, he's going to get punched real hard in his sleeping.
I'll tell him that. I won't tell him that, but he should know that.
Hey, why is that Lego mouth flapping? Hey, my lips are very flexible, unlike the rest of my body.
Well, it went in. It was a good dunk, too. Well, it was one of my best ones, so. Wow.
Wait, Raph, that person called or texted you back? What did they say? Oh, yeah. What did they say? She was just like, I was in the bathroom. What is, what is this? She just said, what? Wait, weren't we going to hear Raph's Christian rap at some point?
Oh, yeah, we were. We totally were.
OK, I think maybe if I go through my speakers and then play it, then everybody will be able to hear it. Let's try that anyway. It's worth a shot. What are the chicks going to do with that ball, right? No, no, no one say anything or do anything until we get to it.
Can you guys hear me? Yes, we can hear you. OK, can you guys hear me?
Yes, yes, yes. OK, cool. I'm going to try playing just a piece of it. And you can let me know. Oh, I have to get the link again. Here it is. I found it. Can you hear this? Yeah, there we go. OK, great. Here it is.
Raph, how old were you when you did this, Raph? Enough to have bass in my voice. Listen to this. I don't know. I was probably like 30. See, I don't remember doing it, but my dad sent it to me. And that's how I know that I did it. Wow. Otherwise, I wouldn't even believe it.
27. There we go. Yeah, yeah. Here it is, Raph. Come on, man. You got to build each other up.
Don't get caught in that mess. Check this out. Don't complain. Do not argue. Don't get creeped to those around you. If you're cool, don't be a pain.
Count them up to the name. All right. I know what it's like to feel the grip of the bank. Someone keeps you lit. You look at the whole way. Somebody's cool. Let's open your mouth. He's not over the door.
Whoa, Sam. Sam. Wow. Sam.
It's almost like this is what we got. This is what we get.
Who cares about Raph's rap?
Cool. So cool.
He's frictionless. Because he's zero feet zero and he just slides back and forth. Truly the best part of that was the shuffle.
Is that still it? Yeah, that's still it. Wait, it's still longer than you think. Was there an interlude?
Is there a music video, Raph? Is there a music video that's floating somewhere? I think that should be the video.
I can't figure out my sound. Katie, we can all hear you. I know. But I want it to be in my headphones because, because well, my husband is at work and it. I think that was, I think that should be the video. I think that was it right there. And out of context, zoom call. I love it. I can't figure out my sound. Katie, we can all hear you. But I want it to be in my headphones. Cause my husband is at work. I got my post and then I got it all up. Is everybody, is everybody, can everybody hear me? Yes.
What happened? What? I don't know how that, I don't know how this happened, but we just jumped to a thousand 72. Holy moly.
People want what they want. Do the work to have it. For Taos whole. So shout out to all the rad D 20 fans out there and to everyone else who's watching, who's jumping in and taking these actions, uh, for people again, they're joining us right now. We're in the last stretch. We got another 45 minutes, as many of these actions as possible.
If you're tuning in and you haven't heard the spiel yet, we're doing a voter registration drive, but you can also confirm your registration, which is just as important because names sometimes drop off the poles. They get purged. There's shady stuff going on. So make sure you're registered. You'd hate to find out the hard way on election day.
Um, so we've already said at, uh, at a thousand, which we just blew past. I'm going to go. I'm going to tweet all the rest of the seven maidens character sheets. You're going to get Austin Tisha Wallace, Penny Luckstone, Sam Nightingale, and Zelda Donovan. Statted all the way up to ninth level. Uh, thanks everybody. Hell yeah. That's awesome. Uh, way to go for loose sake.
If only. This is what I needed. You did this for me, right? This is for me. This, this is, this is all for Lou.
Uh, Coming up. Coming up at 1250, which is our next big goal at 1250.
We are going to get lore concerning. The unfortunate demise of a character spoilers, spoilers, spoilers, but an unfortunate demise of a character from a crown of candy. And then we're going to go. The unfortunate demise of a character from a crown of candy. Uh, fans already know who this character is.
Uh, uh, and you'll see that at 1250. We will announce it on stream. Uh, for everyone else, if you're tuning, it's our last 45 minutes. If you've been watching, you've been hanging out, you've been having a good time. We're doing bits, doing spoofs, doing goofs. Um, make sure that you, uh, are all seasoned this time.
Uh, while you're just kicking it here on the stream, there's a candidate running near where you live that you can vote for. They might be looking for volunteers. They might be looking for donations. They might be looking for people to sign up to work the polls or to make calls about causes or ballot measures. If you're not super into candidates.
Um, it's the last month gang. It's a final stretch.
And, and yes, you know, life gets busy. We all get bogged down. Uh, it's not that much time before the big day. And one of the things about living in a representative democracy is there is a reason that effort spikes around these times. It's because life gets busy, but we know that a big decision is about to get made. Forget national stuff. It's a big decision about your life and your town and your state happening that you can look up right now. Five minutes from now, you could know more and be more prepared to make a difference than you were at this very moment. So check it out.
And you're killing these numbers. Killing the game. Um, is Brennan a bunch of butts?
So I have offered, uh, I want to play around with Mr. Josh in a moment. Um, I've offered to. Oh, Metallico. I've offered to, uh, uh, reveal the premise of the next game changer episode, uh, at this level. And so I will.
It is an Epic game. An Epic throwdown between Teo and Carolyn and Lily. In which the three of them do. The best cost play they can using items found around their house.
In only one minute. Wow. The results are truly, truly breathtaking. So two weeks. Spectacular.
To see that. Charming threesome. Thank you. We after the, after we stopped rolling, it was. Um, I have a question. Uh, you know, we're here. I, I'm seeing people.
I don't often get a chance, uh, to, uh, uh, sit and, and chat with my friends. Can I fix myself a cocktail?
What's one of the rules on YouTube? I'm going to have a little brand just dropped.
Oh, before you do grant, you did offer how tall you were at a thousand. That's true. Uh, oh no, that's so that's very important. So, um, uh, how tall does everyone think I am?
Six, five, six, six. Hmm. Six four.
Since I saw you standing like in, you know, in Lola in life.
That's true. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
Lou. I haven't seen her while. How are you, man? I'm good.
Honestly, we should get a drink. We have fun. I think the last time I saw you ran into a birds and we had a, had a little chat, had a little drink.
It was great. Los Angeles. It was excellent.
I think you're like six one ish. Wow. He looks down on you. Well, I'll tell you what, uh, I'm going to let everyone think about that.
Well, I fixed myself something, something delicious. Oh, really wanted him to walk away with his headphones still in to get that hilarious.
Like, Yeah. So Josh here, here's the idea. I want you to be like, Oh, Josh, here's the idea. I want to do some micro impressions with you. So micro impressions. So I want, so I want you to give us celebrities who you impersonate and we'll, we'll go around telling you to do like really specific little things as that celebrity. Can we, can we.
Yeah.
So I want, what I want to see is personally, I want to see Robert De Niro getting ready to cross the street, but then realizing the don't walk sign is up. Okay. I'm barely going to do any physical comedy here. Okay. Ready?
Yeah.
Very good. Very nice. Ryan.
Can I get something from you for De Niro? Oh, selling that De Niro would do.
Yeah. Um, I want De Niro getting like 75, 60 out of a coin star. All right. So wait. Okay. Here he is waiting. Very good.
Uh, Luke, can I have a tiny thing for De Niro? Uh, uh, De Niro asked for oil and vinegar on his Jersey Mike sub.
The person put on like, is like put, is like going a little too far. Like he's adding just like a little too much, but.
Yeah.
It's barely just kind of. Love it. Josh. Very nice.
Oh, do we leave? We might've lost your audio.
Oh no. Oh, he's so quiet. That's part of it. Um, He's shy. Um, what about, um, Who's the, uh, Oh, sorry.
Can I get one more De Niro? Okay. This is De Niro. Um, he has a function and he's got this one pair of dress pants. That's, uh, Appropriate for it.
And then he hasn't put them on in a while. So he's realizing that they're a little too tight and he can't wear them.
Okay. All right. Ah.
I don't know. Um, Okay, Josh, I want to see, um, Uh, Christoph Waltz improvising a bedtime story for his, Um, Uh, Nephew for his young nephew. I know we don't get to see each other very often.
We all that can talk. So you. You.
Around and around and says, hi, I'm a wheel. A wheel of the world. A wheel of the cream.
Like that. That's superseded the subtle. Yeah. To two. Two energetic. I love it. Do we have a drive-in? Do we have a throw out? Like three more. Um, Uh, Yes.
What, give me another, uh, what's another impression you like to do? I mean, I throw out at really anybody, even if I don't know them, I think that could be really fun.
Okay. 80 doing. Just sit in here. Okay. Very nice.
Oh, Josh. Here's what I would do. Josh. Uh, here's a lesser known game changer prompt that did not make it into your final episode.
Oh. Um, Owen Wilson getting stung by bees. Ow. How. Ow.
People don't know that there is game changer left on the cutting room floor. Oh, Oh, cars, bees and car. And the chat. Uh, before we get started, we're going to have a little bit of a break.
Um, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh yeah. Oh, Oh, very good. Oh. That is great. Well, yeah. Yeah.
I don't, I don't know how it happened, but I'm a 37 year old man. Who makes sounds and seagull. Wow. Oh yeah. That's my Jason Bateman. As I realize I'm talking well, well I do a seagull and. Wow. It's like I'm there. One more before I go to an hour drive to the Mission Tiki to watch a werewolf movie.
Can you do Gandolfini motioning for a server for the check at a busy restaurant? James Gandolfini?
Yes. Yeah.
I've never done again.
That's really good. Thank you, Josh. Thank you for playing with us. We love you very much. We're doing the good work. Love you guys. Thanks for having me briefly. Hell yeah. Take care, Josh.
Chime in to say we got a little over 30 minutes left. All those seven maidens just got dropped. We're waiting to hear the numbers coming in. You know, at 1250. You're getting that Saffria lore. At 1500, we're getting Calroy.
Ooh, we're closing in. We're closing in, my friend. We are closing in. We are only 100 actions away.
Gang, get to Twitter. Holler at your friends. If you want that lore, make sure that you step on it.
We're trying to get folks registered, gang. We're trying to get people excited about the electoral process. And let me just also give a shout out to after this election season. For those of you who are registered to vote, let's give a little shout out to our buddy Direct Action. Every civic individual, you know, sometimes you'll log online and you'll see little conversations, people saying, well, I don't think voting is what you should do. I think you should do direct action. And you'll be like, direct action is for the birds. I'm all about voting.
My friends, why not?
Both. Well, always both.
I'll take as much democracy as I can get my greedy little mitts on. For those that don't know, direct action is all those ways that you make a difference in a democracy after election day has come and gone. That's organizing your workplace, going on strike. It's talking to people about protesting and marching and getting involved civically. It's hollering at your elected representatives to get them to do what you want them to do. And it's also making sure that whatever your democratic or progressive values might be within civic space, that you are applying them in your workplace with your family and your friends wherever you are.
For those that are tuning in in our last half hour, you got that link right in the video description. That's where you click to go ahead and register. If you're not registered or equally as important, confirm your registration, which is super duper important. Also teasing this, make sure that you don't leave and make sure to hire your friends because we've got another guest coming on in a little while that's going to be a real hoot. So get registered. And if you're sitting around being like, my man, I'm already registered. Let me once again holler for signing up for phone banking, signing up for text banking. Literally before I'm done doing this spiel, I literally before I'm done doing this spiel, you could be signed up to be phone banking or text banking, which is so effortless.
For a candidate that you love that does share your values, I guarantee you they're on the ballot wherever you are. So holler at that. Can we shout out where we're at right now? Please do.
We are at 1150 actions. This is staggering. And we have, this is so wild. We have 1150 actions. We're 100 away from that saffron lore. And we have some other good stunts and stuff on the way, right? Well, we created that.
Yeah, go for it. Yeah, me and Brennan, we actually didn't talk about this. I mean, once we hit 1200, I've made the executive decision that I'm kind of going forward and all D 20 stuff. My face is going to be deep faked onto Brennan's.
Oh, Mr. Hi, welcome. Welcome to me. Yes, you're correct. Nice to be here. Adam, since you're just joining us, you were just recapping that we so far have gotten over 1100 people to take voter registration action, whether that means confirming their registration to vote or registering for the first time here tonight.
Amazing. Wow. Incredible work that we're all doing.
I'm so happy to be a part of this. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here today.
Hey, Adam. Yeah, what's up?
You don't know this, but I was thinking about it. And I was, we could have this conversation live on air that, that there is a sketch. Sam, Sam, could you just call me about this? I don't want to talk about this.
There's a sketch that, that you've been trying to get me to make for how many years now? Oh, wow. I'm going to say it's been about nine years, Sam. New York, right? That's in New York. Yeah, I actually remember this sketch because it was actually part of my submission packet to be a college humor sketch writer.
Oh, how did that work out? I mean, I didn't get it, but then I did later get a job as front desk boy and worked my way up. And Adam, do you have do you have the lyrics, by the way? Could we? I actually, Sam, when we were talking about this before, I need to download Celtics because that's how long ago it was. I bet I could find them.
But do you want to just tell people what it is, what the sketch is? Yeah, this sketch is really good. It's called Baby Got Bark. And it is an all dog parody of Sir Mixalots.
Obviously, Baby Got Back. And I believe it's the entire song. I believe I took every lyric from Baby Got Back and turned it into a dog pun instead. And and what happened was I brought it in to I was part of my submission packet. I remember you said you liked it. And then I was like, well, then clearly we're going to make it because it's going to be great for people like dogs. And I was really into Baby Got Back at the time. I was like just appreciating that song a lot. It's a great song.
And I was really mad. It never got made. And then it became a bit and then it actually got kind of hurtful and I stopped bringing my feelings actually got hurt about it.
Well, I want you to know that if we reach 1250 actions in this stream, I will personally pay for this sketch to be made. And Katie and I be in it. Yeah, anyone who wants it can have in. I just want you to know that I'm going to do this for you. If we hit the twelve hundred and fifty. Incredible. Please sign up, everybody. I got so close to that. That is going to go sign up. Yeah, I told you guys we can do that. I told you via email.
And by the way, I'm trying to download Celtics, but they don't. Where's the free download?
It like is not, you know, is it just we've got to buy it now? They are buying Celtics.
You do. I think it's just a little it's just very hidden. Like, it's like a very because it was open source originally. Right. Yeah.
Well, I told Sam I was like, if we if we make this, it's not going to be it's going to be real. I don't want no fucking lyrics. Music video, Sam motion graphics. You pay some kid in South Korea 50, 50 bucks to do it. OK. We're going to do it for real. I want a full budget and I want Suramix a lot to guest star.
You'll never get him. He's so popular. I can make absolutely no guarantees. The man's a knight.
I I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but Carolyn Page has an alter ego who's incredibly popular, specifically within the world of Drawfee and Dorkly. But also, if you're a Carolyn fan, then you know about this character. She is going to turn into this person.
I'll be at twelve hundred and fifty. Oh, at twelve hundred and fifty. I'll be back in turn. Oh, please, please get to 1250.
You guys aren't even fucking ready. Oh, God. And a being of pure chaos will descend. Canonically, Brennan's best friend. Yeah, I'm going to send you Sir Mix a lot booking agent. No, Twitter.
So we'll get it out of there. It's there. We got it. It's right there on his Twitter account. It's right there.
He wants this. That is just just to be clear. He does it in your fantasy, Adam. He doesn't perform the song. He guests on it. Yeah, I think he maybe does like a verse or like he's in the background. You give him like one funny line or something like that. I agree.
Is he dressed up like a dog? He could be one of the dogs who gets pet.
Are you? He only has thirty five thousand who I thought would wrap. I'm not a I'm not a rapper. I am. I am not a rapping gentleman.
But it sounds like you've timed it a lot. Let's hear it. Yeah.
Don't judge yourself. Let us be the judge of it. Let us judge you.
OK. Well, now I got to download Windzip. What's going on? Get that. Yeah, get real player. That'll help. You know what, Adam?
I'm searching for it and in searching for it, I'm realizing that we at what point considered doing a kickstarter for it as it's like you launching a kickstarter that was specifically about convincing me to do it. Yes, I remember this. This was that was like my that was like my back end way to try to get into like after you had rejected it, I was like, Sam, what if we do a sketch about me trying to get you to do it? And then that that way I could get a budget to do it. Sam, can I ask you a question about like college humor history? Yeah, of course.
What's been the sketch that you were most reluctant to do that you were wrong about? What like what have what have we done that that you were like, I don't know about this, that that ended up being that what was your biggest fuck up? Sounds like you don't know you're a giant fuck up.
Yeah, totally. 100 percent. That's a really good question, Grant. And off the top of my head, I clearly what happened is intellectually I logged more examples of people being like doubting me and me being right. And so like those are coming up immediately. And I'm not remembering all the instances in which I doubted someone and then something was a success. Sure. Well, then what's the inverse? What what were you right about?
Well, there's a there's a famous example where we did an animate. Pat Castles wrote like this animated G.I. Joe parody about Osama bin Laden when his dead body having been dumped in the ocean, not dying, but instead turning into a half man, half crab and forming like an undersea terrorist organization.
Yeah. And Ricky Van Veen like really didn't want me to do it. Like really didn't. And so I bet him 20 bucks it would get a million views within a certain period of time. And I think I was just I it just didn't. It was just. Oh, no. Oh, this story has a sad ending. It has. But actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I was pretty reluctant to do Mitt Romney style. And Adam and Emily talked me into it. Really? No, I thought we just was I fully on board for that? I thought so. Yeah, I don't remember. That video now has 64 million views. Yeah.
And it's still so relevant today. But what is still the best pop song ever written, Gangnam Style? And then Mitt Romney is always in the news. The beautiful thing about a topical sketch is it's always relevant. It never goes away. Mitt Romney style is genuinely still one of my favorite accomplishments as a comedy writer.
Me and Emily wrote that together. And what I'm most proud of it is that that song, I was so fucking obsessed with Gangnam Style. I love that song so much. I know about half the song phonetically in Korean. I can sing about half of it. I could sing it would grotesquely offensive for me to do it. But I do do it alone. And the parody that we wrote rhymes with the Korean lyrics.
That's how intense I was like, Emily, no, it has to. Oh, God, God, it's awesome. It has to be the same syllable endings like he's like, oh, no, Sona. Hey. And it has to be like, hey, it has to be that sound.
I did. I'm sorry. I did it.
A lot of the chat or hearing about hearing about Mitt Romney style for the first time, how could you miss it? It was the biggest thing on the Internet.
They've they've just turned 18. This is the reason we're getting registered. People write a single vote is because they're all just now adults and welcome to adulthood. You're growing up in a terrible time. But you can make it better by registering to vote.
Yeah, so true. Way to bring it back round. Well, did anyone else here? I registered on my 18th birthday. Did anyone else do that? You know, hi. Oh, I. That noise. Well, this is sort of Brennan learns that none of us are registered. Yeah, we love voting, but I genuinely don't know what you've been talking about this whole time. But that's awesome.
Do you want to watch? Do you eat weird shit?
Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do what they say for the dogs, baby. My name is Ryan Kramer. I'm here for the dunks.
And you guys are talking about is honestly good as hell, but let's go. Oh, my God. In the state of Ohio. Oh, yeah, you can vote if if the general election happens after your 18th birthday, you can vote when you're 17 in the primary. And so I got to cast my first vote ever for John Edwards. Wow. I don't regret it.
I like everything he's about. Hey, including affairs. Yeah, I love affairs. I love I love babies out of wedlock. Affairs while your wife has cancer.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Love that. Really just wives with cancer is something I'm down with. Yeah. Good God.
We had where we had our next step. I want to see.
Just just let Grant O'Brien talk. The class did himself the best Grant O'Brien move from from from college humor improv shows back in the day of just like, all right, backline.
Someone come get me out of this bit. Help, help, help. I need to do it yourself. They help help help. You put yourself in the pit and by God, you'll take yourself out.
All right. Why do I have a question for you? You you out of probably everyone I know has the highest threshold for comedy as pain, like you personally talking to me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's sure. I do. I enjoy it.
Like, why? Where do you think that comes from? Why is that? How real an answer am I going to make?
Oh, I think a lot of that is to turn my pain into something useful rather than just be something that that that tortures me on the inside and a deep you know, saying I grew up in the closet. And and so and so secrets have been a source of pain for me my entire life. An act of transgression and an act of outing oneself and in as broad a sense as is possible.
It's cathartic. Is yeah. And and that catharsis, I think, leads to very human very moments of great connection, which also, you know, and Peepee and poo poo. Also, you promised us a height reveal around me. Oh, yeah. Oh, so OK.
So listen, I want to ask everyone who's watching live because and so this is, you know, it's an ongoing bit that people don't know how tall I am. And so if you get this information, I'm just going to ask everyone who's who's watching live, please keep it to yourselves, because, you know, we I might be able to exploit people for another round of voter registration.
So just don't tell anyone. Pretend I didn't say this.
I'm six foot five inches tall. Raphael Chestang was right. Two and a half hours ago.
Wow. Grant, we've boiled it. Wow.
That's tall. I'm sorry. Pretty tall. Oh, you thought you were six feet. Oh, God damn. Six, one, six, one tall.
Gang. Oh, my goodness. What gang gang gang? We we have a bunch of style. Hey, Gangnam Style.
We had a bunch of stuff planned for 1250. Here's the bad news. We're not at 1250. We're in 1325, motherfucker.
Hey, how did you do that? How did you make that happen? How did you do that?
Incredible. Hell, yeah. We have a bunch of 1250s. I actually have to hop off, but I'll see. Oh, Carolyn, great. Thanks so much.
If you need to invest, if you need to invite anyone into the stream to take your place. Oh, I might do that. I might do that. OK.
Oh, look at that gamer chair. Yeah, I got one of those. That one looks sweet. Those are sweet as hell gamer chair.
So, Gang, we have a bunch of things to deliver at 1250. What order do you guys want to do them in? Well, I mean, I can't deliver the video to Adam. All I can say is that I will now take the steps necessary to produce for the first time in a decade a long awaited video called Baby Cop Park.
Amazing. I did this. He didn't even ask for this. The fans did it. They did they did it for me.
Thank you very much. You voted. You're not only going to vote for for our government. You're going to you're you made a vote for freedom and joy today. You made my life better.
I found the lyrics and they're making me they're making me laugh right now. Just reading and they're making me laugh.
Wow, Katie, can I quickly also ask you to text Taylor again to make sure that him dropping off isn't because he's perished or sick. And now, Brennan, it's your it's it's lore time. The absence. So spoilers for Crown of Candy. The absence of lore regarding the death of Princess Saffria of the House of Rocks may be blamed on the Los Angeles Fire Department for indeed the Los Angeles Fire Department shutting down the dimensional dome at the IAC building in Los Angeles made us lose a number of episodes, including episodes that would have featured the taste buds as they are so-called journeying to the city of Carn in the Meatlands. You will notice that the various sisters rocks had their deaths associated with different nations.
Right. So, you know, it was vegetarians.
People are telling you to wait for Lou. Oh, wait for Lou. Oh, I should wait for Lou. OK. Fuck them. We will wait for Lou.
I can hear it all. I can hear it all about the city.
OK, great. OK, good. The different deaths associated with the different nations. Yes.
So in any case, Princess Saffria, as we know, was on an espionage envoy to the city of Carn, the capital of the Meatlands before the primacy of Warlord Vashimyaso, the Warlord of the Beef clans, back when the Carn was ruled by the chieftain of the Great Hen, back when the Great Hen was sort of the ascendant beast of the Meatlands. There are intense rules surrounding hospitality and the treatment of a guest in the Meatlands that are part of their culture and tradition. Princess Saffria knew that the Meatlands needed to basically withdraw from the war for them to have any chance of survival so that Rakoko could march on Pangranas. Was there danger was coming in on all sides. Her situation was getting worse and worse. She was in a tremendous amount of danger and realized that if she her closest ally in the Meatlands, a young Vashimyaso, that's right, as contentious as Vash's relationship was with Amathar. He was a tremendous ally and confidant of Saffria. Saffria and Basha got along really, really well. Saffria gave her life knowing that the Meatlanders that were servants of the Great Hen that killed her would jeopardize their leaders standing enough that according to the ancient laws of the Meatlands, Basha would be able to challenge the chieftain of the Great Hen to ritual combat because the leader of the Great Hen did not know that Basha was actually opposed to them. So in other words, it was this last minute improvised act on the part of Saffria to open up a legal loophole within the Meatlands for Basha to take power thus withdrawing the Meatlands from allegiance with Candia's enemies. A incredible rogue-based diplomatic espionage last ditch effort to save her homeland. So Basha, my sister sacrificed herself for Vashimyaso and Vashimyaso in fact, wasn't just some dick to me at a party, he's the whole reason Candia survived long enough for the Concord to be established.
You can ascend your complaints to the Los Angeles Fire Department gang because we had a whole adventure that was gonna take place in Karn. Yeah, if you're gonna take one thing away from that, it's complain to the Fire Department.
Yeah, Saffria, Saffria's a bad, holy shit. Oh my. I heard you were getting some registrants today. Oh, Braden, you little fuck, I see you there. Charlie, oh my god, it's Charles Mothers, how's it going?
You got a hot bowl of gin nearby, my goodness. I got some hot gin, I see we got some pretty faces. But Adam's got some sweet lips down there, look.
I'm gonna take you back into the shed with you. Everyone's coming over later, aren't you? Charles, Charles, don't have anyone come over, we're in a pandemic.
Not here. Where's here? Where are you?
You're drinking of gin. Canonically, I'm in space or something now. Brian Miller wrote an RPG about it, it's weird.
Are you, did you Fox register to vote? You know there's Nazis running the land right now. There's Nazis all over. We gotta do something about it. It's not rich. That's why we're asking people to register is explicitly because we've got to rid this country of Nazis.
Oh Christ, it's broke. It's so fun to have a room full of comedy writers that you respect just judging you for your hacky bits. I can't believe I fucking see it.
All I was thinking about is you said, Jen and I said, I better pour myself another drink, so well done. There you go, Grant. What are you drinking there, Granty boy? I'm drinking rum, I'm drinking aged rum. I turned into a real fucking Hemingway type all of a sudden. I love it.
Now on the topic of like stats, like how tall is Grant? How old are you, Mr. Mothers?
I fought in the war. Which war? Yeah, which one? A war war two?
Okay. I came from the Nazis. I fucked women all over the world. Whoa, I always came back. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. My wife mad. All over the world? So you went to more than one like theater of the war?
Yes. Oh, wow. Japan and France. That's right. Heroic of you, really. That's right, it was. Were you a clown? Yep. Sure was.
Charles, the chat asks, how's your wife? I'm still looking for Martha. Ever since I was told that she's not dead, she's out there alive. She's taken my void trolls. I'll find her someday. I'll find her.
Oh. Void trolls? Yes, can I ask Brian? He's having his Dungeons and Dragons, some shit like that.
Well, you know, someone of your stature, Mr. Mother's coming in and telling us all, you know, you have a lot more experience than us, a lot more years. And when you say it's important to vote, it has real gravitas. So, you know, thank you for speaking to our generation. It's all the generations watching this YouTube live stream from a place of experience.
You better vote or I'll come and fucking haunt you, all right? No Nazis. Sorry, Charles, you're saying haunt people? I'll haunt you.
Are you dead?
No. Not yet.
You fucking try me, Brandon, you whippersnapper. And you'll kill yourself if you try to. Yeah, I can kill. If you don't vote, I'll kill myself.
Well, that's heavy. Oh, my God, that's that friend is somehow really, really threatening. I don't want that on my conscience. It's an ineffective move.
I better vote. Please, please, everybody. Charles, did you get to vote for Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I voted. Yes. How many times? I voted in every election.
I think technically I'm actually British. But my accent slips away sometimes.
So I'd vote for the Queen. If I voted for you, you'd vote for the Queen. You'd vote for the Queen? You voted for the Queen.
Charles, I thought you weren't you canonically part of the Irish Republican army? Yes, right.
Yes, canonically. Oh, canonically, canonically.
Oh, my God, we're at 1389 actions right now. Wow. We'll have one more update right at 7 PM, running those last actions.
I forget, we did. Did we do Ryan's dunks for those last? I'm almost positive we did not. We have it. Time again, folks.
It's going to be another dunk right off screen. I got a full basketball court right here. I do have a basketball. So I'm now going to do another dunk. Here we go. What's this dunk going to be, Ryan? This one's going to be a spinning dunk.
Hey, wow. I mean, if that went in, that's got to be like 720. You did like so many spins. Listen, thank you so much. It was a 720. It did go in. Jesus. Yeah, I really appreciate it. That was awesome. Hold on a second. What's up? That was awesome. Thank you so much. Thanks so much. That really means a lot. You know, the cot-over duress means a lot because he's a famous skeptic. Oh, I fact-checked this dunk. It was super sweet. That's what my research staff said. I really appreciate that.
Source up in the right-hand corner. Oh, man. Was that Sam? You were going to say something?
Oh, I was just going to say, you know, there's a lot of love in the chat, a lot of people talking about how they needed this dose of serotonin. The most serotonin they've had in a long time.
You know, I think to get cheesy for a moment, it's like so nice to see everybody, to be in the same like virtual room as everybody. And I'm going to imagine that we're in a room like this together as we hold hands and vote this year. I'm going to imagine that, you know, I'm holding hands with my community with all of you to perform this necessary action for our country.
Hell, yeah.
I can imagine them holding your dick, but you can do hands if you want. France with me, old horn dog. Oh, my goodness. My lord.
Yeah, so we're wrapping up. We're going to have one last announcement. For those who are with us at the very end, who maybe are just catching the tail of this.
I know it's the last four minutes now, but please do click that link in the video description to register to vote. If you are not registered, confirm your registration to make sure that you're good to vote in your local election. For everyone watching here too, the smallest amount of political engagement, if we all do it, is enough to move the needle and make a huge difference. Sign up for one text banking thing, one phone banking thing. If you've got a few extra bucks, there's a candidate or a cause you care about. I guarantee there are organizations that are doing the work out there that you care about.
And also, it's a very funny time because this is like, the news got so crazier in the last 24 hours. But I just want to say that like, on a pragmatic level, there's, I think there's been so much gloom and doom in 2020. I don't believe necessarily in optimism or pessimism. Like, no one knows what the future holds. No one knows whether the things that are going to happen will be good or bad. But on a pure pragmatic level, hope is an understanding that if we fucking hustle, we can get something good to happen. So it is never foolish or naive to have hope that the world can get better.
And look at all the people watching in the chat, everyone here in the Zoom with us. All these people are on the same team. And there's so many more people like us that want the same things and have the same vision for what a better world would look like. So you're not alone, and it's not foolish or dumb to have hope and think that in this wildly news-ridden year, that it is still possible for things to get better if we just go out and make them get better. So hopefully this livestream is showing you how many people are on the squad.
And you will spend some time this month getting involved in these causes and supporting these things, registering, getting your friends registering. Again, I can't shout out making a plan, getting your friends to make a voting plan, signing up to be a poll worker because again, we don't want to have immunocompromised people doing that poll working this year if they don't have to. And often those are the populations, like elderly people are often the people that are doing that poll working. Signing up for that. And then once the election is coming gone, staying in that fight with all kinds of great direct action, volunteering. There are so many great causes around.
And we give them a fuck and we love all you guys and you guys have killed it tonight and we know that you do too. So we'll keep it up, baby. Also go Nithya Raman. There's a lot of people here in LA specifically who are really, really excited about this local candidate we have. So if you are anywhere near LA and able to throw down some support.
Anybody want to join a Nithya Raman phone bank tomorrow? I'm hosting one, baby. I will be there, I will be there. Phone back tomorrow. Nithya4thecity.com. It's tomorrow at 4.30 p.m. PST.
I also can find a link. Hell yes. And by the way. I live on one of the few streets that are near mine. I still have 140 of these. I have to put on your door. And by the way, there is a we all live in the same spot.
So that's why we're all excited about Nithya Raman. Get excited about local politics. There is a Nithya Raman near you who needs your help. And this is true even for our international friends watching who have been so awesome as they come in and help their Yankee friends out with our electoral moment that we're having. But somewhere near you, no matter where you live, I guarantee that there is somebody there who could one day be that person on the national stage.
But if they don't win that Mayorship, if they don't win that city council, if they're not elected Comptroller, that moment shining in the future is never going to happen. And also, even disregarding that moment, the stuff in your town matters. The stuff in your county matters.
So please do look it up. Take five minutes to Google who your Nithya Raman is. But if your Nithya Raman is Nithya Raman, I'll holler at you at the phone bank tomorrow that Adam is running because she slaps.
And for those of you still wanting to address over 1,500 actions in order to get at this Calroy lore from Brennan, take action after the fact because this link is going to be up for the next few days. And if we tip over 1,500 at any point in the next couple of days, then Brennan will still be on the hook for that. I am still on the hook. If we can clear 1,500, you'll get the lore. I promise. Famous on the hook for 2,000.
What's that? For 2,000? At 2,000, I will drop Kalina lore. If we get to 2K, you get Kalina lore. So there you go. Wow.
And at 3,000, we'll just drop the next side quest. We'll just drop... At 3,000, we will drop the cast of the next side quest.
Hell yeah. Let's do it. There you go. Hell yeah. Keep the link alive, gang. That's it, guys. It's seven o'clock.
I just so, so appreciate everybody showing up for this. What an amazing gesture on your part. And we've made a real difference here.
We may actually get one more by the time we sign off. So I should stop myself from wrapping this up. We're waiting on the final, final numbers drop? We can, or we can wrap it up here now, if that's appropriate.
It is 7-0-1. I want to be respectful of people's care. Hey, Sam, can I talk to you outside real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Oh, cool. Hence.
Was I'm the ghost of all the bugs who died. We died in the hot man suit. Oh, it's a bunch of ghost bugs.
Oh my God. Oh, how is that pie?
So now you're coming back to haunt me because you're dead bucks. I've come back to haunt you in with the final tally of actions. Hey gang, we have the final tally. We're going to hit this Kalroy thing in a second.
Hey, where were you and Sam? We were all just sitting quietly by ourselves for a second. Yeah, we could hear a thing. Where'd you go? And why weren't you laughing when you came back? Was it a bad one? Oh man, we ruined the bit.
Hell yeah. You know what? I'm going to say close enough, 1420. We're going to hit 1500 in like a second. Is that right or no? Am I crazy? We'll end it probably in like the next 30 minutes. Okay, cool.
This really is so, so, so remarkable. A huge shout out to everyone who was involved. And what a beautiful time spent in the company of people who are not only funny as hell and beautiful and wonderful. And it's so great to see all our pals. But also give a shit about their fellow damn Americans. Lots of love from everybody here on the Zoom to all of you.
Be well, be safe. Brighter day is yet to come, gang. We'll see you next time.
Bye. Bye everybody. Thanks everybody. Bye.
Wow, feel good. Over 1100 people to take voter registration action. Whether that means confirming their registration to vote or registering for the first time here tonight. Amazing. Wow, incredible work that we're all doing. I'm so happy to be a part of this. Spoken with real sincerity.
Hey, Adam. Yeah, what's up? You don't know this, but I was thinking about it. And we could have this conversation live on air that there is a sketch. Sam, could you just call me about this? I don't want to talk about this. There's a sketch that you've been trying to get me to make for how many years now? Oh, wow.
I'm going to say it's been about nine years, Sam. It's been about nine years. It's been since New York, right? That's in New York.
Yeah, I actually remember this sketch because it was actually part of my submission packet to be a College Humor sketch writer. Oh, how did that work out? I mean, I didn't get it. But then I did later get a job as front desk boy and worked my way up.
And Adam, do you have the lyrics, by the way? Could we? I actually, Sam, when we were talking about this before, I need to download Celtics because that's how long ago it was. I bet I could find them.
But do you want to just tell people what it is, what the sketch is? Yeah, this sketch is really good. It's called Baby Got Bark.
Fans are killing it right now. Everyone else sucks.
I mean, I hope you know that you are killing it right now because voter registration is hard. As you might imagine, a lot of the people that are sort of already like, like, you know, when you're talking about voter registration, you're talking about getting new people registered. That can be a hard thing to do because a lot of the people that are your target demographic for people that are politically like up on the news or whatever, like, a lot of those people tend to either be registered or they've registered through some other campaign or some other activism.
For our fans that have jumped on and registered here at this drive, we are so happy and excited and proud that you're doing that. That is so awesome. So these numbers are pretty staggering right out of the gate. We're 50% through the stream. We've had, I believe, what, more than 800 actions already, which is wild.
Make sure for everyone watching this that you are, by the way, and we have like more than 1,000 people watching, which means a huge percentage of the people who are watching, Grant just said, haha, stream. Huge percentage of the people that are watching are going through and clicking that link. If you are watching and you're new to the stream and you're not sure what we're doing, that first link in the video description is what you want to check out.
You want to click that, not only to register if you haven't registered, stop saying pee-pee. Um, they're chatting while I'm doing the CTA. Gang, don't get distracted by the pee-pee-poo-poo talk.
Instead, click that link to confirm your registration or to register for the first time. I would also say, if you are one of those folks where you've been at home, you've been feeling the gloom and doom, you've been feeling the shred and dread, you've been feeling the crappies and not-so-happies, this is the time to get there. Ah, crappies, yeah, for sure. And this is the time for you to not only register, but reach out and make sure that your friends and loved ones are registered, right? There's a lot that people can do in terms of phone banking and texting, but obviously getting hollered up by a friend is gonna mean a whole lot more. And it's not something that you have to be weird about doing because it's not like you're scolding these people, it can be checking to make sure that if someone that doesn't have a ride to the polls can get a ride to the polls. It's about making sure that someone that maybe has moved recently is registered when maybe they didn't have a chance to register before. Brennan, will you give them a ride?
Yeah. Gang, what I would love everyone for you to do is if you can get 10- Tire song. I believe I took every lyric from Baby Got Back and turned it into a dog pun instead. And what happened was I brought it in to- It was part of my submission pack. I remember you said you liked it. And then I was like, well, then clearly we're gonna make it because it's gonna be great for people like dogs. And I was really into Baby Got Back at the time. I was just appreciating that song a lot. It's a great song.
And I was really mad. It never got made. And then it became a bit and then it actually got kind of hurtful and I stopped bringing it. My feelings actually got hurt about it.
Well, I want you to know that if we reach 1250 actions in this stream, I will personally pay for this sketch to be made. Anyone who wants it can have in. I just want you to know that I'm gonna do this for you if we hit the 1250 action. Incredible. Please sign up, everybody. I got so close to that. That is gonna go sign up. Yeah, I told you guys we can do that. I told you via email.
And by the way, I'm trying to download cell text, but they don't. Where's the free download?
It like is not. We gotta buy it now. Say I'm buying cell text. You do.
I think it's just a little, it's just very hidden. Like it's like a very fake.
Because it was open source originally, right? Yeah. I told Sam. I was like, if we make this, it's not gonna be, it's gonna be real. I don't want no fucking lyrics, music video, Sam, with motion graphics. You pay some kid in South Korea 50 bucks to do it. Okay. We're gonna do it for real. I want a full budget and I want Suramix a lot to guest star.
You'll never get him. He's so popular. I can make absolutely no guarantees. The man's a knight. I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but Carolyn Page has an alter ego.
I am going to come to where you live. You don't have to get in touch with me. I already know. I know where you live. And I'm gonna come and I'm gonna lift you up in my big strong arms and I will fly you using magic to the poles.
That's awesome. That's cool.
And here's the thing. Here's the thing. That thing that I just said is real in the way that Santa Claus is real, which is to say it's real in our hearts, which is in a way realer than things that are really real.
The important thing is for you to register to vote. And again, this is crunch time, right? If you have a couple extra bucks burning a hole in your pocket and you have a local candidate or you have a candidate that you care about, maybe slide those bucks right now at the top of the month, right? Where they can do a lot of good. If you have that extra hour next week, what I know how hard it is when you are thinking of getting civically engaged, you're like, what am I gonna have to do? There's gonna be so much red tape. There's gonna be...
There is no candidate that is running for office if they're a candidate you care about. If they agree with your values, they have policies that you like. There is no candidate like that you would agree with that has made it harder than two minutes to sign up to volunteer for them or to phone bank for them or to donate for them. I guarantee you. You are 90 seconds away from volunteering or canvassing or phone or text banking. Sign the empty of rides to the polls.
One thing I also wanted to shout out this year is, by the way, COVID's going on. What?
Most poll workers historically are elderly citizens, elderly Americans who would be in extreme harm's way from volunteering this year. If you are a young person and you have never thought about volunteering for poll working before, it is one of the most active ways to help protect our democracy. We know there's a lot of people that engage in voter intimidation and voter suppression out there. If you are a young able-bodied person who can do so safely, you are not immunocompromised. I highly suggest that you consider signing up to be a poll worker because they need them and you can be helping someone who is immunocompromised who maybe would not be able to do that safely this year. So consider doing it.
And as always, poo-poo pee-pee crappies. Yeah, all right. So I'm glad there's moderators for the YouTube but not for us. No one can bother you. This is terrible double standard, dorkly. But also, if you're a Carolyn fan, then you know about this character.
She is going to turn into this person at 1250. Oh, at 1250, I'll be back in turn. Oh, please, please get to 1250. So much is happening at 1250.
You guys aren't even fucking ready. Oh, God. And being of pure chaos will descend. Canonically, Brennan's best friend. Yeah. I'm going to send you Sir Mix-a-Lot's booking agent. No.
It's on his Twitter. So we'll get it. It's there. We got to get him to do it. It's right there on his Twitter account. It's right there.
He wants this. He wants it. He does. Just to be clear, he does it in your fantasy, Adam. He doesn't perform the song. He guests on it. Yeah, I think he maybe does like a verse or like he's in the background or you give him like one funny line or something like that. I agree.
Is he dressed up like a dog? He could be one of the dogs who gets pet. Are you?
He only has 35,000 followers. Who I thought would rap. I'm not a rapper. I am not a rapping gentleman.
But it sounds like you did. Murph at the time did a lot of rapping. Let's hear it.
Yeah, don't judge yourself. Let us be the judge of that. Let us judge you.
Okay. Now I got to download WinZip. What's going on? Get real player. That'll help. You know what, Adam? I'm searching for it and in searching for it.
I'm realizing that we at what point considered doing a kickstarter for it as a stunt. Like you launching a kickstarter that was specifically about convincing me to do it. Yes, I remember this. This was, that was like my back end way to try to get into, like after you had rejected it, I was like, Sam, what if we do a sketch about me trying to get you to do it? That way I could get a budget to do it. Sam, can I ask you a question about college humor history? Yeah, of course.
What's been the sketch that you were most reluctant to do that you were wrong about? What have we done that you were like, I don't know about this, that ended up being, what was your biggest fuck up? You don't know you're a giant fuck up. What's the thing you fuck up the most?
Yeah, totally. 100% for all of your support during the stream. We couldn't do any of this without you. We appreciate you so much. Lending your Friday Eve to us. Hell yes.
Gang, we have cleared 800 actions, as we've said. Out of 1,000, y'all are going to get the next character sheet. We have a bunch more stunts and spoofs and goofs in the way.
What spoofs? Yeah, what spoofs? What are we going to be spoofing in particular? I was not told about spoofs. I'm going to spoof you.
Oh, hey, hey, Grant. Hey, Grant.
I'm going to spoof you, my dude. I'd like to see it. Holy shit. I'd like to see a satirical send up of me. It's a spoof off. Boof off. Okay, this is my satirical spoof of Grant O'Brien.
Is everyone ready? Wait, hold on one second. I'm closing my eyes. Yes, do you have glasses? Why? Can I borrow your glasses? I'm going to go get glasses. Hold on one second.
I'm going to do it. Oh, this is a team spoof. I'm literally going to go prepare a Grant O'Brien spoof. Everyone, I'm going to holler right now.
We've had a bunch. We've had more. I've had more because I wear the same glasses.
What's up? You guys are wearing the same glasses. We do. Yeah, we have the same glasses. That's true. So you're about to get your ass fucking roasted, pal. Let's see it.
Hey, Grant. What about instead of Grant O'Brien, Grant no brain.
Holy shit. Oh, my god.
Hey, Sam, could I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, sure. No, but so I volunteered my time. I don't know, like we go way back and it's not a big deal. But yeah, I don't know.
That's kind of fucked up that you said that. No, no, no. I know. I know. Making the stream entertaining and you're right. It was just like, I just thought it was like off the top of my head. This might be funny. You're trying to be funny. I get it. Stuff comes up and it's just but I'm because you know how I have a history of no brains.
And so I if you just I could have been more cigarette. I could have been more sensitive.
I appreciate that. Just let's not do that again. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Can we just pretend like this? You know, can we both come in laughing like, you know, like we I'm going to try it. Just you go in. I kind of need to not be around you for a second. Okay. I understand. All right. Hey, Grant, can you can you get back in your chair so that I can roast your ass to your fucking face.
Great. Yeah, good. Good.
I logged more examples of people being like doubting me and me being right. And so like those are coming up immediately. And I'm not remembering all the instances in which I doubted someone and then something was a success. Well, then what's the inverse? What were you right about? Well, there's a there's a famous example where we did an animate.
Pat Castles wrote like this animated GI Joe parody about Osama bin Laden when his dead body having been dumped in the ocean. Not dying, but instead turning into a half man, half crab and forming like an undersea terrorist organization.
Yeah. And Ricky van Veen like really didn't want me to do it. Like really didn't. And so I bet him 20 bucks, it would get a million views within a certain period of time. And I think I was just I it just didn't. It's just so this story has a sad ending. But actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I was pretty reluctant to do Mitt Romney style and Adam and Emily talked me into it. Really? No, I thought we just was I fully on board for that. I thought so. Yeah, I don't remember that video now has 64 million views. Yeah.
And it's still so relevant today. What is still the best pop song ever written Gangnam Style and then Mitt Romney was always in the news. The beautiful thing about a topical sketch is it's always relevant. It never goes away. Mitt Romney style is genuinely still one of my favorite accomplishments as a comedy writer.
Me and Emily wrote that together. And what I'm most proud of it is that that song I was so fucking obsessed with Gangnam Style. I love that song so much. I know about half the song phonetically in Korean. I can sing about half of it. I could sing it would grotesquely offensive for me to do it. But I do do it alone. And the parody that we wrote rhymes with the Korean lyrics.
That's how intense I was like, Emily, no, it has to be awesome. It has to be the same syllable endings. Like he's like, oh, no, hey. And it has to be like, hey, it has to be that sound.
I did. I'm sorry. I did it.
A lot of the chatter hearing about hearing about Mitt Romney style for the first time. How could you miss it? It was the biggest thing on the internet.
They've just turned 18. This is the reason we're getting registered people registering to vote is because they're all just now adults. And welcome to adulthood. You're growing up in a terrible time. But you can make it better by registering to vote.
So true. Way to bring it back round. Whoo. Did anyone else hear I registered on my 18th birthday? Did anyone else do that? In Ohio. Oh, I. Why is that noise?
Brennan learns that none of us are registered to vote. Yeah, we love voting.
But I genuinely don't know what you've been talking about this whole time. But that's awesome. Yeah, I'll do what they say for the dogs, baby. My name is Ryan Kramer. I'm here for the dunks. And you guys are talking about is honestly good as hell. But let's go. Oh, my God.
In the state of Ohio, you can vote. If the general election happens after your 18th birthday, you can vote when you're 17 in the primary. And so I got to cast my first vote ever for John Edwards.
Wow. I don't regret it. I like everything he's about.
Hey, including affairs. Yeah, I love affairs. I love babies out of wedlock. Affairs while your wife has cancer.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Love that. Really just wives with cancer is something I'm down with. Yeah. Good God.
Where are we headed next, Sam? I want to see.
Help, help, help. You put yourself there. Help, help, help. You put yourself in the bit and by God, you'll dig yourself out. All right.
Why did you capture that? I have a question for you. You out of probably everyone I know has the highest threshold for comedy as pain, like you personally. You're talking to me?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's sure. I do. I enjoy it.
Like why, where do you think that comes from? Why is that? How real an answer am I getting?
I think a lot of that is to turn my pain into something useful rather than just be something that tortures me on the inside and a deep, you know what I'm saying? I grew up in the closet. And so secrets have been a source of pain for me my entire life.
An act of transgression and an act of outing oneself in as broad a sense as is possible. It's cathartic. Is yeah. And that catharsis I think leads to very human, very moments of great connection, which also, you know, and Peepee and Poopoo. Also, you promised us a height reveal around me. Oh, yeah. Oh, so, okay.
So, but listen, I want to ask everyone who's watching live because, and so this is, you know, it's an ongoing bit that people don't know how tall I am. And so if you get this information, I'm just going to ask everyone who's watching live, please keep it to yourselves. Because, you know, I might be able to exploit people for another round of voter registration. Just don't tell anyone. Pretend I didn't say this.
I'm six foot five inches tall. Raphael Chestang was right. Two and a half hours ago. Oh, wow. There you go. Wow. That's tall. I'm sorry. You thought you were six feet. Goddamn dare. Six one. That's tall.
Gang. Oh, my goodness. Gang. What? Gang.
We have a bunch of stuff planned for 1250. Here's the bad news. We're not at 1250. We're in 1325, motherfucker.
How did you do that? How did you make that happen?
Incredible. Hell, yeah. We have a bunch of 1250 stuff. I actually have to hop off, but I'll see. Caroline, great. Thank you so much.
If you need to invite anyone into the stream to take your place. Oh, I might do that. I might do that.
Okay. Oh, look at that gamer chair. Yeah, that's great. I'm getting one of those. That one looks sweet. Those are sweet. It's like a gamer chair.
So, gang, we have a bunch of things to deliver at 1250. What order do you guys want to do them in? Well, I mean, I can't deliver the video to Adam. All I can say is that I will now take the steps necessary to produce for the first time in a decade a long-awaited video.
Called Baby Cop Park. Amazing. He didn't even ask for this. The fans did it. They did it for me.
Thank you very much. You voted. You're not only going to vote for our government. You made a vote for Freedom and Joy today. You made my life better.
I found the lyrics, and they're making me laugh right now. Just reading them, they're making me laugh.
Wow.
Katie, can I quickly also ask you to text Taeo again to make sure that him dropping off isn't because he's perished or sick? Yes. And now, Brennan, it's your...
It's lore time. The absence... So, spoilers for Crown of Candy. The absence of lore regarding the death of Princess Saphria of the House of Rocks may be blamed on the Los Angeles Fire Department. For indeed, the Los Angeles Fire Department shutting down the dimensional dome at the IAC building in Los Angeles made us lose a number of episodes, including episodes that would have featured the taste buds as they are so-called journeying to the city of Carn in the Meatlands. You will notice that the various sister's rocks had their deaths associated with different nations, right? So, you know, it was a vegetarians...
People are telling you to wait for Lou. Oh, wait for Lou? Oh, I should wait for Lou. Yeah, definitely. Fuck them. We will wait for Lou.
I can hear it all. I can hear it all about the city of Carn.
Okay, great. Okay, good. The different deaths associated with the different nations. Yes, yes.
So, in any case, Princess Saphria, as we know, was on an espionage envoy to the city of Carn, the capital of the Meatlands, before the primacy of Warlord Vashimyaso, the Warlord of the Beef clans, back when the Carn was ruled by the chieftain of the Great Hen, back when the Great Hen was sort of the ascendant beast of the Meatlands. There are intense rules surrounding hospitality and the treatment of a guest in the Meatlands that are part of their culture and tradition. Princess Saphria knew that the Meatlands needed to basically withdraw from the war for them to have any chance of survival so that Rakoko could march on Pangronas. Was there, danger was coming in on all sides. Her situation was getting worse and worse. She was in a tremendous amount of danger and realized that if she, her closest ally in the Meatlands, a young Vashimyaso, that's right, as contentious as Vash's relationship was with Amathar, he was a tremendous ally and confidant of Saphria. Saphria and Basha got along real, real well. Saphria gave her life knowing that the Meatlanders that were servants of the Great Hen that killed her would jeopardize their leaders standing enough that according to the ancient laws of the Meatlands, Basha would be able to challenge the chieftain of the Great Hen to ritual combat because the leader of the Great Hen did not know that Basha was actually opposed to them. So in other words, it was this last minute improvised act on the part of Saphria to open up a legal loophole within the Meatlands for Basha to take power, thus withdrawing the Meatlands from allegiance with Candia's enemies. A incredible rogue based diplomatic espionage last ditch effort to save her homeland. So Basha, my sister sacrificed herself for Basha Miasso and Basha Miasso, in fact, it wasn't just some dick to me at a party. He's the whole reason Candia survived long enough for the Concord to be established.
You can ascend your complaints to the Los Angeles Fire Department gang because we had a whole adventure that was gonna take place in Karn. Yeah, if you're gonna take one thing away from that, it's complain to the Fire Department.
Yeah, Saphria, Saphria's a bet. Oh my. I heard you were getting some registrant today. Oh, Braden.
What? You missed some shit. What did I miss?
The Great Knight had words.
It's okay. It's fine. Everything's fine. No, no. It's totally fine.
It's so funny. So Sam said, it's so funny. Sam said, hey, what about Grant No Brains instead of Grant O'Brien? And that's so funny to me. I mean, no. It's very funny. It's just, it's so sharp because like, I don't have a brain is what he's saying.
Grant. Oh my god. Anyway, Brennan, what were you gonna do? Okay.
Don't do it. Brennan, don't do it. Yeah, I don't know if he's gonna be able to handle it, Brennan.
No, I think he got it. It's funny. It's so funny.
Finish him, Brennan. Finish him. Rip his heart out.
Okay. Are you guys ready for this one? We're ready. Great. Hold on one second. Holy shit. I mean, let's be honest. Dennis Miller is the Dorothy Parker for people whose Jim Jordan is AOC. Oh, baby. Y'all hear the blues are calling. Got your ass, dude. Do me, do me.
Can I talk to you? Can I talk to you for a second? Oh, no. Sure. You want to talk to me for a second? Yeah, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. Oh, geez. I don't think you can take it off. Hey, listen. I can't really go off on Sam because, you know, once in a while, he'll throw me some work. What the fuck is happening? I mean, like, I don't know. Oh, you shit. For you to come at me like that, we're done, man. Great. I know that we're having a fight, but I'm trapped in quicksand. Oh, shit. Wait a minute.
Okay. All right.
Go as flat as you can. You're trying to help me. I'm trying to help. Oh, I'm thinking. I'm thinking more. Oh, God, there's... I'm going to go get something. Okay.
Things are going well. Things are going great. Things are going well.
Man, man, help me. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. Hold on. There's a hand. Can you hand my glasses? All right. Is asked for her glasses back. Oh, my God.
I am full on crying. That was really tense and really awkward. No, everything's fine. There's no quicksand. That was really bad. I feel tense from that. I feel incredibly tense.
Oh, no. This is the worst one. We're at 868 now. Oh, this is terrible.
I have some time for my final rites. Yeah, what do you want your last meal to be? I think steak.
I thought I said it at 850. Didn't I said it at 850? Oh, I thought I said 900. But if it's 850, I'll do it now. Did I say 900? I thought it was 850.
I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't tell anyone who's allowed to take it. This is for a good cause. Yeah. What? Carolyn and Lou, do you know what Teo's about to do? Yeah, he is. I think of it. He's going to eat human shit. I know.
No. Y'all sent him our shit and he's going to eat it. No. You did, but I'm not going to eat it.
We mailed it. We mailed our shit.
So we will wait to 900. No, we're not going to wait to 900. That's the time. No, we're not. No, we're doing it. We'll just get some water ready. I just don't want to get it. OK, here we go. Here's starting.
No, you don't choke to that. Rice. I know this is just fun and not hurtful. He's going to be one bite. Did you say one bite? This is fun. Oh, I thought that was all.
OK, you get to do it with water. I'm going to do it with water.
OK, it's not just dry. Oh, oh, Teo, your insides.
He's going to be up all night. That's why I thought as well. He is going to be up all night.
Even more intense, right? He did that with some dexterity, like someone who's like done it before. It's all going to his calves. That's how he gets so jacked. OK, that was the coffee. Oh, man. And the olive oil.
Yeah, how do you feel? What's right now? I feel normal. I feel normal right now.
OK, yeah, Teo's eating raw coffee grounds. And now he's about to do like a drink, a glass full of olive oil.
Oh, God. Oh, what was that? What was that?
You didn't have to do that. We wouldn't let it slide. I feel so bad wasting it because it's not even my coffee.
You know, hey, oh. I forgot. It is. Oh, I see.
We've got some pretty faces. But Adams got some sweet lips down there.
Look, I'll go back into the shed with you. Everyone's coming over later, aren't you? Girls, Charles, don't have anyone come over.
We're in a pandemic.
Not here. Where's here? Where are you?
You're drinking up gin. Canonically, I'm in space or something now. Brian Miller wrote an RPG about it. It's weird.
Are you a fox register to vote? You know, there's Nazis running the land right now. There's Nazis all over. We've got to do something about it. That's why we're asking people to register is explicitly because we've got to rid this country of Nazis.
Yes. Oh, Christ, it's broke. It's so fun to have a room full of comedy writers that you respect is judging you for your hacky bits. I see it. I fucking see it. All I was thinking about is you said, Jen and I said, I better pour myself another drink. So well done. There you go, Grant.
What are you drinking there, granty boy? I'm drinking rum. I'm drinking. I'm drinking aged rum.
Um, it turns into a real, a real fucking Hemingway type all of a sudden. I love it.
Now, on the topic of like, you know, stats, like how tall is Grant? How old are you, Mr. Mothers?
I fought in the war. Yeah. Which one? A World War II? Okay. I killed Nazis. I fucked women all over the world. He always came back. My wife. All over the world. So you went to more than one like theater of the war? Yes. Japan. That's crazy. And France.
That's right. Heroic of you, really. That's right. It was. Were you a clown? Yep. Sure was.
Charles, the chat asks, how's your wife? I'm still looking for Martha. Ever since I was told that she's not dead, she's out there alive. She's taken by void trolls. I'll find her someday. I'll find her.
Aww. Void trolls? Yes. Can I ask Brian? He's having his Dungeons and Dragons. Some shit like that.
Well, you know, someone of your stature, Mr. Mother's coming in and telling us all, you know, you have a lot more experience than us, a lot more years. And when you say it's important to vote, it has real gravitas. So, you know, thank you for speaking to our generation as all the generations watching this YouTube live stream from a place of experience. You better vote or I'll come and fucking haunt you.
Nazi. No Nazis. Sorry.
Charles, you're saying haunt people? I'll haunt you.
Are you dead? No, not yet.
You fucking try me, Brandon, you whippersnapper. And you'll kill yourself if he tries to. If you don't vote, I'll kill myself.
That's, oh my god, that's, that's pretty somehow. Threat, yeah. Really, really threatening. I don't want that on my conscience. It's, it affected me.
You better vote. I better vote. Please vote, please vote. Please, please everybody.
Charles, did you get to vote for Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I voted, yes. How many times? I voted in every election.
I think technically I'm actually British, but my accent slips away sometimes.
So, I vote for the queen. And for monarchy. You'd vote for the queen. You voted for the queen.
Charles, I thought you weren't you canonically part of the Irish Republican army? Yes, right.
Hell yeah, hell yeah.
Olivia, not Olivia Munn. Who is it? Olivia Munn is the queen of Ireland?
We're at 1389 actions right now. We'll have one more update right at 7 p.m. We're gonna do those last actions.
Have we, I forget, we did, did we do Ryan's dunks for those last, I'm almost positive. We did not. We have it. It isn't time again, folks.
Okay. Wow. I mean, if that went in, that's gotta be like, It was awesome. That's gotta be like a 720. You did like so many spins. Wow. Listen, thank you so much. It was a 720. It did go in. Jesus. You're at 20. Yeah, I really appreciate it. That was awesome. Hold on a second. What's up? That was awesome.
Thank you so much. Thanks so much.
That really means a lot. You know, the cot over doors means a lot because he's a famous skeptic. Oh, I fact-checked this dunk. He was super sweet. My research staff said. I really appreciate that.
Source up in the right hand corner. Oh, man. Was that Sam? You were gonna say something?
Oh, I was just gonna say, you know, there's a lot of love and chat a lot of people talking about how they needed this dose of serotonin. The most serotonin they've had in a long time.
You know, I think, to get cheesy for a moment, it's like so nice to see everybody, to be in the same virtual room as everybody. And I'm gonna imagine that we're in a room like this together as we hold hands and vote this year. I'm going to imagine that, you know, I'm holding hands with my community with all of you to perform this necessary action for our country.
Hell yeah.
I can imagine him holding your dick, but you can do hands if you want. Dance with me, old horn dog. My lord.
Yeah, so we're wrapping up. We're gonna have one last announcement. For those who are with us at the very end, who maybe are just catching the tail of this.
I know it's the last four minutes now, but please do click that link in the video description to register to vote if you are not registered. Confirm your registration to make sure that you're good to vote in your local election. For everyone watching here too, the smallest amount of political engagement, if we all do it, is enough to move the needle and make a huge difference. Sign up for one text banking thing, one phone banking thing. You got a few extra bucks, there's a candidate or a cause you care about.
I guarantee I fear this small. Stop, dude, stop.
That's just, I piss. That's piss. That's not piss. Oily piss. That's piss.
Better than the coffee though, right? Gotta be.
Oh, don't vote back. Also, interesting choice to do this. He's a completionist and I respect that. All right, jackass. If you guys are higher, and let me know. Oh man, I don't want to be in.
You've done the oil first. Yeah, exactly. The order, you should have done the oil first. Yeah, you did the order weird. Yeah, Taya, that was what I got wrong.
I feel okay. I feel honestly pretty good right now. That felt pretty lucky.
That felt like a rocky breakfast, you know? That was a lot. Just like Russia.
Taya, will you keep us updated on how you feel? Yeah, I'll do that. Because you're now like a living experiment. Yes. Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe I'll feel stronger. Hey, maybe.
You just unlocked some new health craze. You're going to be so caffeinated. It's so late in the day. This is true. I forgot about that part. My challenge is doing three rails of fucking pure Colombian coke. Oh, shit. I'm going to be up too. Get ready.
Should we all? Oh, no, we don't have to. That wouldn't be, but should we? I mean, what?
Dude, Kara, you can have a bump grant. That's fine. I'll do it. Yeah, someone go to the kitchen and get coke for everybody. Okay.
So, gang, we have passed the 850 mark, which means we are on our way to 900. 900 actions. Pretty incredible. I have here queued up Raph's actual uh, rap track from when he was a kid, his Christian rap track. We might as well play that. So, it's a very funny time because this is like, you know, the news got so crazier in the last 24 hours.
But I just want to say that like, on a pragmatic level, there's, I think there's been so much gloom and doom in 2020. I don't believe necessarily in optimism or pessimism. Like, no one knows what the future holds. No one knows whether the things that are going to happen will be good or bad.
But on a pure pragmatic level, hope is an understanding that if we fucking hustle, we can get something good to happen. So, it is never foolish or naive to have hope that the world can get better. And look at all the people watching in the chat, everyone here in the Zoom with us. All these people are on the same team and there's so many more people like us that want the same things and have the same vision for what a better world would look like. So, you're not alone and it's not foolish or dumb to have hope and think that in this wildly news-ridden year that it's still possible for things to get better if we just go out and make them get better.
So, hopefully this livestream is showing you how many people are on the squad and you will spend some time this month getting involved in these causes and supporting these things, registering, getting your friends registering. Again, I can't shout out making a plan, getting your friends to make a voting plan. Signing up to be a poll worker because again, we don't want to have immunocompromised people doing that poll working this year if they don't have to and often those are the populations like elderly people are often the people that are doing that poll working. Signing up for that and then once the election is come and gone, staying in that fight with all kinds of great direct action, volunteering, there are so many great causes around and we give them a fuck and we love all you guys and you guys have killed it tonight and we know that you do too. So, we'll keep it up, baby.
Um, also go Nithya Raman. There's a lot of people here in LA specifically who are really, really excited about this local candidate we have. So, if you are anywhere near LA and able to throw down some support. Anybody want to join a Nithya Raman phone bank tomorrow?
I'm hosting one, baby. I will be there.
Phone bank tomorrow, nithyaforthesity.com. It's tomorrow at 4.30 p.m. PST.
I also can find a link. Hell, yes. And by the way- If you live on one of the few streets that are near mine, I still have 140 of these. I have to put on your door. And by the way, there is a...
We all live in the same spot. So, that's why we're all excited about Nithya Raman. Get excited about local politics. There is a Nithya Raman near you who needs your help. And this is true even for our international friends watching who have been so awesome as they come in and help their Yankee friends out with our electoral moment that we're having. But somewhere near you, no matter what. Lily, I believe you had something that you were willing to do for us at a certain threshold.
Is that right? Mm-hmm. Oh! Oh, my God! Is that a cardinal? Are you an ice crew? Not that, not that. Oh, yeah!
I think I could do this. Sam asked and I was like, here's a thing I can do.
And then he didn't ask for any more. So, I didn't know if it was on the docket. I didn't stretch or anything.
Is that the one? Oh, shit. That's the one I was thinking of. But we can get creative, Lily, if you want to do something else. No, I can do it. We also have my controversial opinion. But... Oh! Oh, jeez. I'd like to see both. Okay, so... You can put... Is it true that you can put both legs behind your head? Is that right? Is it true you're not wearing any panties right now? You know, at one point, I could. And it's hard to know if I still can do it. Oh, boy.
Even the effort seems like it's worthy of that high registration level. 900 is round the bend. Oh, 900.
Not yet. Get stretchy. Get warmed up. Yeah, get stretchy. No, eat some ice cream.
That'll... That's the play. Are you gonna... So if we get 900, are you gonna put... You can put both your legs behind your head? That's what's gonna happen? That's what I said I do, Lou.
Lou, everybody is. Is this how? You should all be stretching. Oh, this is stretching. Oh, yeah. There it is.
I do have interest in who can get the closest to what Lily does. I am actually curious myself. I'll volunteer to try. I can do it.
Look at Teo. Is that real? Teo, is that somebody else's leg? Got me. It's somebody else's leg. That's a third leg that's grown because of what Teo is putting his body. I just popped out of me.
That's scary. My knee just makes noise by itself. Ew. Oh, yeah. My knees make a click sound every time I bend them. Yeah, it is. Your boat's very wiry, so it would make me uncomfortable to see you do that. I get that. Don't attempt it. Yeah, that's reasonable.
No, I wanna see it. I'll give it a shot. I want some of that ice cream.
Oh, that's good, Grant. That is amazing.
Oh, no, don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself.
That's good. Yeah, well, you also flex one day. Be that person on the national stage.
But if they don't win that mayorship, if they don't win that city council, if they're not elected comptroller, that moment shining in the future is never gonna happen. And also, even disregarding that moment, the stuff in your town matters. The stuff in your county matters.
So please do look it up. Take five minutes to Google who your Nithya Raman is. But if your Nithya Raman is Nithya Raman, I'll holler at you at the phone bank tomorrow that Adam is running because she slaps.
And for those of you still wanting to adjust over 1,500 actions in order to get at this Calroy lore from Brennan, take action after the fact because this link is gonna be up for the next few days. And if we tip over 1,500 at any point in the next couple of days, then Brennan will still be on the hook for that. I am still on the hook. If we can clear 1,500, you'll get the lore, I promise.
Um, whoo. You're still on the hook for 2,000. What's that? For 2,000? At 2,000, I will drop Kalina lore. If we get to 2K, you get Kalina lore. So there you go. Wow.
And at 3,000, we'll just drop the next side quest. We'll just drop... At 3,000, we will drop the cast of the next side quest.
Hell yeah. Let's do it. There you go. Hell yeah. Keep the link live, gang. That's it, guys. It's seven o'clock.
I just so, so appreciate everybody showing up for this. What an amazing gesture on your part. And we made a real difference here.
We may actually get one more by the time we sign off. So I should stop myself from wrapping this up. We're waiting on the final, final numbers drop? We can, or we can wrap it up here now.
If that's appropriate. It is 7-0-1. I want to be respectful of people's care. Hey, Sam, can I talk to you outside real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Hence.
Was I'm the ghost of all the bugs who died. We died in the hot man suit. Oh, it's a bunch of ghost bugs.
Oh my God. Well, how is that...
So now you're coming back to haunt me because you're dead bucks? I've come back to haunt you in with the final tally of actions. Hey, gang. We have the final tally. We're going to hit this Calroy thing in a second.
Hey, what were you even saying? We were all just sitting quietly by ourselves for a second. Yeah, we couldn't hear a thing. Where'd you go? And why weren't you laughing when you came back? Was it a bad one? Oh man, we ruined the bit.
Hell yeah. You know what? I'm going to say close enough. We're going to hit 1,500 in like a second. Is that right or no? Am I crazy? We'll end it probably in like the next 30 minutes. Okay, cool.
Smashed everything today.
This really is so, so, so remarkable. A huge shout out to everyone who was involved. And what a beautiful time spent in the company of people who are not only funny as hell and beautiful and wonderful. And it's so great to see all our pals, but also give a shit about their fellow damn Americans. Lots of love from everybody here on the Zoom to all of you.
Be well, be safe. Brighter day is yet to come, gang. We'll see you next time.
Bye. Bye everybody. Thanks everybody. Bye.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is it. Like right here? This is it.
You're like a little Lego man. You can't go past top like it or you stay. Don't fucking do this. Don't bring up my fucking Lego. Don't call me a fucking Lego man, all right? This isn't middle school. Nobody calls me Lego man anymore, okay? That's my past. Hey, lose that fucking Lego face, everybody. Real Lego man. Shut the fuck up! No, don't.
Hey, Luke, can I see you over here for a second? Okay, yeah, all right. Let's do this. Oh, they're both going the same direction this time. Uh-oh. Guys, one of the cats said, is that an uncommon talent? Yeah, I saw that. I have no idea. Wait, how are you seeing what they say? Hold up, Sam. Everyone's talking so loud in the other room that I can't hear.
I just want to say, look, I'm really, I feel badly about the Lego man thing, and I went along with it because it seemed good for the moment, for the joke, but I want you to know, I felt uncomfortable about it, and I saw you were uncomfortable about it. I don't feel bad, Lego ass bitch.
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
I'm going to go back in there and fight somebody, okay? I'm going to fucking ruin, I'll be, I'll run around this entire fucking house and fucking haymaker everyone.
If they just, if everyone keeps calling me Lego man. Lego man, you're Lego man.
So, I'm going to have your back. I want you to know, I'm going to have your back.
Okay, great. You know, I will save this. I'll save this. I won't bring it up on the street. I'll save it for afterward, but I want you to know, tonight, me and you are going around to everyone's bedroom, and we are going to punch them in the fucking face while they are asleep, okay? Yes.
Because they're a bunch of, because they're a bunch of Lego people. Yeah. Yeah, they're the Lego people. They're the Lego people. You're the Lego people. You're a Lego person.
Shut up! Okay, let's just go back in there and like, like, let's just walk back in laughing and stuff. Like, we just had a lot of fun, and we're not going to punch everyone while they're asleep tonight.
Yeah. Okay, ready? Okay. Oh, hey. Hey, guys.
So, oh, it went well. That's great. Oh, good. It's a nice break. That's great.
Well, what were you guys talking about? Nothing. What was funny? What were you laughing about? Why did you? Yeah, why did you come in laughing? What was the joke?
Do you guys remember those Geico commercials with the camel? Oh, so good. It was like, one day? That was so funny. That one is really funny. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Honestly, Geico has done a really good job over the years. Geico is so funny, dude.
Dude, really? Just when you think it's one thing, they switch it up, you know? It's unreal. Every time, every time, I'm like, wait, hold on. It's the band Roach or Raps or whatever that commercial is. Yes.
Dude, Teo is throwing up so hard. Oh, my God. What did he leave? He's just going to check in on Teo. Teo is fucking coming out of both ends. Does anyone have Teo's phone number? Honestly, I think he might be sick.
Do you guys want me to call him? Just text him and make sure he's okay. He did put in the chat, I am fine. I will be right back. No, the way people who are fine talk. I'm so going to text him. I texted him. It's all good. He said he's fine, so I assume he is.
Sam, a lot of times people say that and they're not fine. See, I disagree. I take people at face value.
Oh, everybody, we're creeping up and up. We are at 873 actions gang. That's 873 people that have either confirmed their registration or registered a new. It's probably worth saying, too.
You think you're already registered. This is a great opportunity to go to the website that's in the link in the description below and make sure enter in your full name, your zip code, et cetera. You never know if just by not checking in this year, you somehow managed to fall off the voter registration roll. You've moved. You forgot to register a new go.
Double confirm. And when you do that, counts as an action and then action propels us forward. In this cloud of chaos, we are calling a stream. We got one hour left or thereabouts on the stream. I think it's time for some promises. I think we're going to go with a bang. I'm going to make some promises here. Oh, shit. We're going to make some promises here. We are creeping up and up, but I want us to blow this out of the water.
So here's what we're going to do at 1K actions. 1K actions. I'm going to release every last character sheet on Twitter. You're going to get all the rest of the seven.
Whoa. You hear that, E20 fans? You hear that?
And at 2,000, Teo shows whole. And at 2K, Teo shows whole.
I do not want to see his whole right now. I do not want to see his whole.
Oh, it's greedy, it's greedy. Now, Lu, as a participant, as a part of this world, as a part of the world of Candia, how does it feel knowing that this lore is just, it's right there on the edge of Brennan's tongue. I mean, here's the thing, guys. I also want to know this lore.
And I've asked for it time and time again. And I've always been denied.
So know that by doing this and participating in these actions, you're giving me a gift as well. So even if you don't want to do it for yourself.
Bread with butter on it. Also known as toast.
Here's what I'll do, too. It's one of the promises. Here's something I'll throw down, just to try to see if we can make it to this thousand mark before the end of the stream. If we hit a thousand.
So the most recent episode of Game Changer released today, it's a very funny episode with Mr. Grant O'Brien, as well as Trap and Rekha. Sort of a sequel to their sponsored episode from last season. If we reach a thousand, I will reveal the premise, the game of the next episode that releases two weeks from now, featuring Willy Doo, Carolyn Page, and Tayo Yang.
Wow. Can I ask you a question about that, Sam? Yeah. Where are you from? Oh, good. All right, now. Now, now we can really get serious. Should we- And show our holes? Should we all go around and say a favorite memory about Sam?
Oh, he's back in a while. Oh, he's back.
Don't tell him anything good while he's here. Yeah, no. We can't let him know that we like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to be mean to Sam when he's around.
Oh, man. He's given a lot of us an opportunity. Oh, my God. He's opened up a ton of doors, yeah. Oh, my gosh. And it's so funny in his own right that it's just- Absolutely. Oh, my God.
Dirty ass nasty face. Lame Sam. Oh, shame.
You know, Sam was so inspiring to me when I came out to LA and kind of helped me through the transition. It was such a difficult time. He told me some really wise words. Oh, my God.
Oh, lame Sam. Lame Sam.
So short. He was gone when I said that. I am a small man, though. I am a small man.
Do you know if you Google my height, it says like I'm zero foot zero? What? I do know that. Let me- Wait, but you're not- Oh, somebody changed it. And now it says I'm eight feet. There you go. Oh, no. It says I'm negative eight feet. There you go. Wait, Sam, you're not actually zero foot zero, are you? I am. You're two-dimensional? Yeah, I exist on a plane.
Like a playing card. Gosh, romance! Hey, I found my light. Sorry, I have hair that looks like a serial killer. Tried to be a single dad and a good one.
Josh, you're very wet. I'm soaking wet, guys.
Best way to go to the polls. Well, I'm worried about 45.
He got in that helicopter and was kind of like, you know. Crazy, isn't it? They flew the president to the hospital today.
Oh, have you not talked about that yet on stream? No, it's fucking fully bat shit. Bat shit. Yeah, we haven't talked about it a lot on the stream.
We were afraid that some very dark jokes might happen. Sure. It could be like the president could die, but it will complicate the Supreme Court. Yes, no. It will complicate our live stream. Like a joke that I might say would be like, I hope he dies and I'll be happy that happens. That would be a joke that I might say. You don't want to do that. But it looks kind of like...
The chat is going crazy. All of these friends of family who have arrived. Just to briefly check in and to catch Josh up since he is new to the stream. Josh, we are at 873 actions, meaning 873 folks have either confirmed their registrations or newly registered thanks to this stream.
And at 900, some more wild stuff is going to go down. I've committed at 1,000 to revealing the premise of the next Game Changer episode. Brennan is going to do a giant drop of D20 related lore around 1,000. Or the rest of the Seven Maidens character sheets around 1,000.
Lily apparently can at least attempt to put both legs over her head. Get ready. Teo, you look like you're frantically googling side effects.
How much olive oil is okay to eat? How much is too much? They would just drink a full cup of olive oil and had coffee ground as a little appetizer.
Yeah. Teo did have a very unappetizing meal at an earlier threshold. I'm feeling good. Josh, at the right level, we can decide when it is. Want to play a little celebrity impression game with you, but we're not there yet. So hold on to your bottoms, everyone.
Brennan did a great impression of Grant. It was really funny. It was really, really funny. It was very good. I liked how funny it was. That's what I liked about it. Oh, well, when you're roasting delightful people, it's always a pleasure and an honor. Everybody had fun. It was really good.
Hey, Grant, can I talk to you outside for a second real quick? Out here? Yeah, sure. Of course. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, what do you need?
I'm secretly a big bunch of bugs. I'm a big bunch of bugs wearing a man suit.
Bees. Right. Oh, my God. It's all the worst bugs too. It's scorpions and bees. Yes, bees.
Can you name five more bad bugs? Four beetles, and three to go. Uh-huh, yeah, you know, the ladybugs are bad. Ladybugs. You think ladybugs? Ladybugs are one of the bad bugs? Yeah, it's among the top five bad ones I can name.
Uh, you are wasps and houseflies. Yes, houseflies, wasps, ladybugs, and scorpions as well. Not technically insects, but let's be honest, bugs are a loose category. Yeah, that really is creepy crawlies. Creepy crawlies. Please don't tell my friends that I'm not a man, but a big bag of bugs and shit.
I'm not going to say anything, but that's fucked up, dude. This is crazy.
Please teach me how to vote, Grant. All right. How do I do it? Okay, so first you have to get registered. Do you know where you, are you registered to vote? Do you know how to check? Wherever would a big old bag of bugs go to register to vote? Sure.
Well, there's probably a website that... I said no, he doesn't know. You don't have the name of the website for this stream, Grant? And if I was by my computer and not over here, I could probably see it, but, but, but, but, but gosh, I wonder if one of my friends could yell to you. No.
Headcount.org, Grant. Headcount.org. Hey, you can go to headcount.org and enter the relevant information. Oh, I wouldn't try to count all of my heads, Grant.
For I am so many bugs. It's unpleasant to gaze upon you. I'm going to tell you that right now. All right. Time for me to continue my clever ruse. All right, well, we'll both go back and laughing like nothing bad happened. You're all bugs. What? Hey, Lily, I got news for you.
We are at 932 actions that happened in a big hurry. We slowed down only to speed up a touch. Hey, I used to be able to do this when I was seven years old. Now we should do it. We're all going to do it together. I'm 31. Is that the last time you did it?
Full of ice cream.
Oh, whoa! What?
Oh, my God. Oh, too quick. You made that look easy. Oh, my God. That's too much quick.
Everyone else now. All right, Theo.
I got my money on you. Grant is so close. I know. It's there's like one muscle that will not do it.
One and two is that's a big distance. That's a big difference. Yeah, I'm really covering a lot of ground.
Ryan, we haven't had a dunk in a while, so I'm going to ask the chat. Well, well, well, the time is back. We've hit 930. That means it's time for me to do another dunk just off screen. I got a full basketball card over here, and it is time for a dunk. And this time, I'm not waiting for a suggestion. I'm going to do the little Lego man like dunk.
Oh, we're going to go. Hey, he's going to get punched real hard in his sleep tonight. I'll tell him that. I won't tell him that, but he should know that.
Hey, why is that Lego mouth flapping? Hey, my lips are very flexible, unlike the rest of my body.
Well, I went in. It was a good dunk, too. It was it was one of my best ones. Wow.
Wait, Raph. That person called or texted you back. What did they say? Oh, yeah. What did they say? She was just like, I was in the bathroom. What is what is this? Wait, are we going to hear Raph's Christian rap at some point?
Oh, yeah, we were. We totally were.
Okay, I think maybe if I go through my speakers and then play it, that everybody will be able to hear it. Let's try that anyway. It's worth a shot. What what other chicks can you do with that ball, right? No, no, no one say anything or do anything until we get to. Can you guys hear me?
Yes. Okay, can you guys hear me? Yes. Yeah.
Okay, cool. Let me I'm going to try playing just a piece of it and you can let me know. Oh, I have to get the link again. Here it is. I found it. Can you can you hear this? Yeah, there we go. Okay, great. Here it is.
Rap. How old were you when you did this, Raph? Enough to have bass in my voice. Listen to this.
I don't know. I was probably like 30. See, I don't remember doing it, but my dad sent it to me. And that's how I know that I did.
Wow. Otherwise, I want to believe it. Twenty seven. There we go. Yeah, yeah. Play.
Do not art. Don't give grief to those around. Keep your chords. Don't be a pain.
Gather them up to the name. All right. I know what it's like to feel the grip of the bank. Someone keeps you lit. You're looking for a way to settle your score. But you're hoping around. You're still hoping to do it. It's a silly, crazy, mighty noise. Get off that line. Keep grills here, boys. Touching a gut. Stay above the rest.
So big you can see. I got something. Yeah, then here comes the back of dancing. What's crazy is that the guy's with you on there? That's NWA. Which is cool of them to do. Whoa, Sam. Wow. It's almost like this is what we got. This is what we get. Who cares about raps rap? Whoa. So cool.
He's frictionless because he's zero feet zero and he just slides back and forth. Truly, the best part of that was the shuffle.
Is that still it? Yeah, that's still it. Wait, it's still longer than you think.
I think that was it right there. And out of context Zoom call. I love it. I can't figure out my sound. Katie, we can all hear you. But I want it to be in my headphones because my husband is at work. And I got my post. Oh my God. Is everybody, can everybody hear me?
What happened? What? I don't know how this happened, but we just jumped to 1,072. Holy moly.
People want what they want. Do the work to have it. For Teo's hole. So Jason, shout out to all the rad D20 fans out there and to everyone else who's watching, who's jumping in and taking these actions. For people again that are joining us right now, we're in the last stretch. We've got another 45 minutes. You get as many of these actions as possible.
If you're tuning in and you haven't heard the spiel yet, we're doing a voter registration drive, but you can also confirm your registration, which is just as important because names sometimes drop off the polls. They get purged. There's shady stuff going on. So make sure you're registered. You'd hate to find out the hard way on election day.
Way to go for Lou's sake, if only for Lou's sake. This is what I needed. You did this for me, right? This is for me. This is all for Lou. Sorry, Britta, go.
Coming up at 1250, which is our next big goal. At 1250, we are going to get lore concerning the unfortunate demise of a character, spoiler, spoiler, spoilers, but an unfortunate demise of a character from a crown of candy. Fans already know who this character is and you'll see that at 1250.
We will announce it on stream. For everyone else, if you're tuning, it's our last 45 minutes. If you've been watching, you've been hanging out, you've been having a good time, we're doing bits, doing spoofs, doing goofs. Make sure that you are all seasoned this time while you're just kicking it here on the stream.
There's a candidate running near where you live that you can vote for. They might be looking for volunteers. They might be looking for donations. They might be looking for people to sign up to work the polls or to make calls about causes or ballot measures if you're not super into candidates.
It's the last month, gang. It's a final stretch.
And yes, life gets busy. We all get bogged down. It's not that much time before the big day. And one of the things about living in a representative democracy is there is a reason that effort spikes around these times. It's because life gets busy, but we know that a big decision is about to get made. Forget national stuff. It's a big decision about your life and your town and your state happening that you can look up right now. Five minutes from now, you could know more and be more prepared to make a difference than you were at this very moment. So check it out.
And you're killing these numbers. Killing the game. Is Brennan a bunch of butts? No.
So I have offered... I want to play around with Mr. Josh in a moment. I've offered to... Oh, Metallico. I've offered to reveal the premise of the next Game Changer episode at this level. And so I will.
It is an epic game, an epic throw down between Teo and Carolyn and Lily in which the three of them do the best cosplay they can using items found around their house in only one minute. Wow. And the results are truly, truly breathtaking. So tune in in two weeks. Spectacular.
To see that. That's a charming threesome. Thank you. After we stopped rolling, it was. I have a question. Yes. You know, we're here. I'm seeing people.
I don't often get a chance to sit and chat with my friends. Can I fix myself a cocktail?
What are the rules on YouTube? Am I allowed to...
I'm gonna have a little brand just dropped. But before you do, Grant, you did offer how tall you were at a thousand. That's true. Oh, no, that's so that's very important. So how tall does everyone think I am?
Six five. Six six. Six four? Six four. I think six four.
Since I saw you standing like in life.
That's true. Yeah.
Yeah, Lou, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you, man? I'm good.
Honestly, we should get a drink and just hang out on top. We probably should. We have fun. I think the last time I saw you ran into your birds and we had a little chat, had a little drink.
It was great. Wow. Our here in Los Angeles. It was excellent.
I think you're like six one ish. Wow. No, no. He looks down on you. He just took a huge hit. Six one.
Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to let everyone think about that while I fix myself something delicious. Oh, this is fun. I really wanted him to walk away with his headphones still in and get that hilarious. Like, whoa. Yeah. So, Josh, here's the idea.
I want to do some micro impressions with you. Micro impressions. So, I want you to give us celebrities who you impersonate and we'll go around telling you to do like really specific little things as that celebrity. Way better than me, but okay. I'm going to try.
Can we start with DeNiro just for my sake? Because he's one of my favorites. Really, really subtle DeNiro.
Okay. It's just a breath. Ready? Yeah. So, what I want to see is, personally, I want to see Robert DeNiro getting ready to cross the street but then realizing the don't walk sign is up. Okay. I'm barely going to do any physical comedy here. Okay. Ready? Yeah.
Very good. Very nice.
Ryan, can I get something from you for DeNiro? Oh, selling that DeNiro would do. Yeah, yeah. I want DeNiro getting like 75, 60 out of a coin star.
All right. So, wait. Okay. Here he is waiting. Very good.
Luke, can I have a tiny thing for DeNiro? DeNiro asked for oil and vinegar on his Jersey Mike sub, but the person put on is going a little too far. Yes. He's adding just a little too much, but DeNiro's too polite to say anything.
Volatable. It's barely just kind of... Love it, Josh. Very nice.
We might have lost your audio. Oh, no, you're there. Oh, he's so quiet. That's part of it. He's shy. What about...
I've got one. Can I get one more, DeNiro? Okay, this is DeNiro realizing he has a function, and he's got this one pair of dress pants that's appropriate for it, and then he hasn't put them on in a while, so he's realizing that they're a little too tight and he can't wear them.
Okay. All right. Ah. Okay, Josh.
I want to see Christoph Waltz improvising a bedtime story for his nephew, for his young nephew. I know we don't get to see each other very often, but we know that can talk, so you want to ask the real world around and around and says, Hi, I'm a wheel, a wheel of the world, a wheel of the cream. Not like that. That superseded the subtle... Too energetic. I love it. Drive-in. Do we have... Throw out like three more. Yes. Give me another...
What's another impression you like to do? I mean, throw out really anybody, even if I don't know them, I think that could be really fun. You're an impression of me.
Okay, Katie doing... Just sit in here. Okay. Very nice. Josh, here's what I would do.
Josh, here is a lesser-known Game Changer prompt that did not make it into your final episode. Owen Wilson getting stung by bees. People don't know that there is Game Changer left on the cutting room floor. Car, ow, ow, cars, bees, and car. Oh, and the chat before you leave is requesting a seagull.
Oh, yeah. Very good. Cute. That was great. Wait, can you do it one more time? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know how it happened, but I'm a 37-year-old man who makes sounds and seagull. Wow. Oh, yeah, that's my Jason Bateman, as I realize that I'm talking. Well, I do a seagull and... Wow. It's like I'm there. One more before I go to an hour drive to the Mission Tiki to watch a werewolf movie.
Can you do Gandolfini motioning for a server for the check at a busy restaurant? James Gandolfini?
Yes. Wow. Yeah.
I've never done a Gandolfini.
That's really good. Thank you, Joshy. Thank you for playing with us. We love you very much. We're doing the good work. Love you guys. Thanks for having me briefly. Hell, yeah. Good bye. Take care, Josh.
Chime in to say, we got a little over 30 minutes left. All those seven maidens just got dropped. We're waiting to hear the numbers coming in. You know, at 1250, you're getting that Saphria lore and then at 1500, we're getting Calroy. Ooh, we're closing in. We're closing in, my friend. We are closing in. We are only 100 actions away.
Gang, get to Twitter. Holerate your friends. If you want that lore, make sure that you step on it.
We're trying to get folks registered, gang. We're trying to get people excited about the electoral process. And let me just also give a shout out. To after this election season, for those of you who are registered to vote, let's give a little shout out to our buddy, Direct Action. Every civic individual, sometimes you'll log online and you'll see little conversations. People saying, well, I don't think voting is what you should do. I think you should do direct action. Anything with me and like, direct actions for the birds. I'm all about voting.
My friends, why not both? Well, always both.
I'll take as much democracy as I can get my greedy little mitts on. For those that don't know, direct action is all those ways that you make a difference in a democracy after election day has come and gone. That's organizing your workplace, going on strike. It's talking to people about protesting and marching and getting involved civically. It's hollering at your elected representatives to get them to do what you want them to do. And it's also making sure that whatever your democratic or progressive values might be within civic space that you are applying them in your workplace with your family and your friends wherever you are.
For those that are tuning in in our last half hour, you got that link right in the video description. That's where you click to go ahead and register. If you're not registered or equally as important, confirm your registration, which is super duper important. Also teasing this, make sure that you don't leave and make sure to hire your friends because we've got another guest coming on in a little while that's going to be a real hoot. So get registered. And if you're sitting around being like, my man, I'm already registered. Let me once again holler for signing up for phone banking, signing up for text banking. Literally before I'm done doing this spiel, I literally before I'm done doing this spiel, you could be signed up to be phone banking or text banking, which is so effortless.
For a candidate that you love that does share your values, I guarantee you they're on the ballot wherever you are. So holler at that. Can we can we shout out where we're at right now? Please do.
We are at 1150 actions. This is staggering. And we have this is this is so loud. We have 1150 actions.
We're a hundred away from that sapphire lore. And we have some other good good stunts and stuff on the way, right? Yeah, go for it. Yeah, me and Brennan, we actually didn't talk about this. Once we hit 1200, I've made the executive decision that I'm kind of going forward and all D 20 stuff. My face is going to be deep faked onto Brennan's.
Oh, Mr. Hi, welcome. Welcome to me. Yes, you're correct. Nice to be here.
Adam, since you're just joining us, we were just recapping that we so far have gotten over 1100 people to take voter registration action, whether that means confirming their registration to vote or registering for the first time here tonight. Amazing. Wow, incredible work that we're all doing. I'm so happy to be a part of this. Spoken with real sincerity.
Hey, Adam, you don't know this, but I was thinking about it. We could have this conversation live on air that there is a sketch. Sam, could you just call me about this? I don't want to talk about this. There is a sketch that you've been trying to get me to make for how many years now? Oh, wow.
It's been about nine years, Sam. It's been about nine years. It's been since New York, right? That's in New York.
I actually remember this sketch because it was actually part of my submission packet to be a college humor sketch writer. How did that work out? I didn't get it, but then I did later get a job as front desk boy and worked my way up. Adam, do you have the lyrics, by the way? I actually, Sam, when we were talking about this before, I need to download Celtex because that's how long ago it was. I bet I could find them. But do you want to just tell people what it is, what the sketch is? Yeah, this sketch is really good.
It's called Baby Got Bark. And it is an all dog parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot's, obviously, Baby Got Back. And I believe it's the entire song. I believe I took every lyric from Baby Got Back and turned it into a dog pun instead.
And what happened was I brought it in. It was part of my submission packet. I remember you said you liked it. And then I was like, well, then clearly we're going to make it because it's going to be great for people like dogs. And I was really into Baby Got Back at the time.
I was just appreciating that song a lot. It's a great song.
And I was really mad. It never got made. And then it became a bit. And then it actually got kind of hurtful and I stopped bringing it. My feelings actually got hurt about it.
Well, I want you to know that if we reach 1250 actions in this stream, I will personally pay for this sketch to be made. And Katie and I be in it. Yeah, anyone who wants it can have in. I just want you to know that I'm going to do this for you if we hit the 1250. Incredible. Please sign up, everybody. I got so close to that. That is going to go sign up. Yeah, I told you guys we can do that. I told you via email.
And by the way, I'm trying to download Celtics, but they don't. Where's the free download?
It like is not. Yeah. Is it just we're going to buy it now. Say I'm buying sell tax. You do. I think it's just a little it's just very hidden. Like it's like a very because it was open source originally, right? Yeah.
I told Sam I was like, if we if we make this, it's not going to be it's going to be real. I don't want no fucking lyrics. Music video, Sam motion graphics.
You pay some kid in South Korea. 50 50 bucks to do it. OK, we're going to do it for real. I want a full budget and I want Suramix a lot to guest star.
You'll never get him. So popular. I can make absolutely no guarantees.
The man's a knight. I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but Carolyn Page has an alter ego who's incredibly popular specifically within the world of Drawfee and Dorkly. But also if you're a Carolyn fan, then you know about this character. She is going to turn into this person.
I'll be at 1250. Oh, at 1250. I'll be back internships. Oh, please, please get to 1250. So much is happening at 1250.
You guys aren't even fucking ready. Oh, God. And being a pure chaos will descend. Canonically, Brennan's best friend. Yeah, I'm going to send you Sir Mix a lot booking agent. No, Twitter.
So we'll get it. It's there. It's right there on his Twitter account. It's right there. He wants this. Just to be clear.
He does it in your fantasy, Adam. He doesn't perform the song. He guests on it. Yeah, I think he maybe does like a verse or like he's in the background. Or you give him like one funny line or something like that. Is he dressed up like a dog? He could be one of the dogs who gets pet.
Are you the only has 35000 who I thought would wrap. I'm not a rapper. I am not a rapping gentleman. But it sounds like you're at the time did a lot of rapping.
Let's hear it. If you don't judge yourself, let us be the judge of that. Let us judge you.
OK, well, now I got to download Windzip. What's going on? Yeah, get real player. That'll help. You know what, Adam? I'm searching for it.
And in searching for it, I'm realizing that we had what point considered doing a kickstarter for it as a stunt. Like you launching a kickstarter that was specifically about convincing me to do it. Yes, I remember this. This was that was like my that was like my back end way to try to get into like after you had rejected, I was like, Sam, what if we do a sketch about me trying to get you to do it? That that way I could get a budget to do it. Sam, can I ask you a question about like college humor history? Yeah, of course.
What's been the sketch that you were most reluctant to do that you were wrong about? What like what have what have we done that that you were like, I don't know about this, that that ended up being that what was your biggest fuck up? Sounds like you don't know you're a giant fuck up.
Yeah, totally. 100%.
That's a really good question, Grant. And off the top of my head, I clearly what happened is intellectually I logged more examples of people being like doubting me and me being right. And so like those are coming up immediately. And I'm not remembering all the instances in which I doubted someone and then something was a success. Well, then what's the inverse? What what were you right about?
Well, there's a there's a famous example where we did an animate Pat Castles wrote like this animated GI Joe parody about Osama bin Laden when his dead body having been dumped in the ocean. Not dying, but instead turning into a half man, half crab and forming like an undersea terrorist organization.
Yeah. And Ricky van Veen like really didn't want me to do it. Like really didn't. And so I bet him 20 bucks it would get a million views within a certain period of time. And I think I was just I it just didn't. It's just Oh, this story has a sad ending. But actually now that I'm thinking about it, I think I was pretty reluctant to do Mitt Romney style and Adam and Emily talked me into it. Really? No, I thought we just was I fully on board for that? I thought so. Yeah, I don't remember. That video now has 64 million views. Yeah.
And it's still so relevant today. What is still the best pop song ever written Gangnam style and then Mitt Romney was always in the news. The beautiful thing about a topical sketch is it's always relevant. It never goes away. Mitt Romney style is genuinely still one of my favorite accomplishments as a comedy writer.
Me and Emily wrote that together. And what I'm most proud of it is that that song I was so fucking obsessed with Gangnam style. I love that song so much. I know about half the song phonetically in Korean. I can sing about half of it. I could sing it grotesquely offensive for me to do it, but I do do it alone. And the parody that we wrote rhymes with the Korean lyrics. That's how intense I was like, Emily, no, it's awesome.
It has to be the same syllable endings. Like he's like on a sauna. Hey, and it has to be like, hey, it has to be that sound.
I did. I'm sorry. I did it.
A lot of the chatter hearing about hearing about Mitt Romney style for the first time. How could you miss it? It was the biggest thing on the Internet.
They've just turned 18. This is the reason we're getting registered. People are writing a single vote is because they're all just now adults and welcome to adulthood. You're growing up in a terrible time. But you can make it better by registering to vote.
Yeah, so true. Way to bring it back round. Whoo.
Did anyone else here? I registered on my 18th birthday. Did anyone else do that?
In Ohio. Why is that noise?
Brennan learns that none of us are registered to vote. Yeah, Brennan, we love voting, but I genuinely don't know what you've been talking about this whole time, but that's awesome.
Yeah, my name is Ryan fucking creamer. I'm here for the dunks and you guys are talking about is honestly good as hell, but let's go. Oh, my God. That's a no. Oh, you can you can vote if if the general election happens after your 18th birthday, you can vote when you're 17 in the primary. And so I got to cast my first vote ever for John Edwards. Wow, I don't regret it.
I like everything he's about. Hey, including affairs. Yeah, I love affairs. I love babies out of wedlock.
It fares while your wife has cancer. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Love that. Really just wives with cancer is something I'm down with. Yeah, good God.
Where are we headed next, Sam? I want to see.
Just just let Grant O'Brien talk. The classic himself. The best Grant O'Brien move from from college humor improv shows back in the day of just like, all right, backline.
Someone come get me out of this. Help, help, help. I need to put yourself there. Help, help, help. You put yourself in the bit and by God, you'll dig yourself out.
Why do you have a question for you? You you out of probably everyone I know has the highest threshold for comedy as pain. Like you personally. You're talking to me.
Yeah. Yeah, that's sure. I do. I enjoy it.
Like why? Where do you think that comes from? Why is that? How real an answer am I getting?
I think a lot of that is to turn my pain into something useful rather than just be something that tortures me on the inside and a deep, you know what I'm saying? I grew up in the closet. And so secrets have been a source of pain for me my entire life. It's an act of transgression and an act of outing oneself and in as broad a sense as as possible. It's cathartic. Is yeah, and that catharsis I think leads to very human very moments of great connection, which also, you know, and Peepee and Poopoo.
Also, you promised us a height reveal around now. Oh yeah. Oh, so okay.
So but listen, I want to ask everyone who's watching live because and so this is, you know, it's an ongoing bit that people don't know how tall I am. And so if you get this information, I'm just going to ask everyone who's who's watching live, please keep it to yourselves because, you know, we I might be able to exploit people for another round of voter registration.
Just don't tell anyone. Pretend I didn't say this.
I'm six foot five inches tall. Raphael Chestang was right. Two and a half hours ago. Wow. There we go. Wow. That's tall. I'm sorry. But you thought you were six feet. Oh, goddamn. Six one. So tall.
Gang. Oh, my goodness. What? Gang. We we have a gang style. Hey, Gangnam style.
We had a bunch of stuff planned for 1250. Here's the bad news. We're not at 1250. We're in 1325. Motherfucker, please. Sales.
How did you do that? Sales. How did you do that? How did you make that happen?
Incredible. Hell yeah. We have a bunch of 1250 stuff. I actually have to hop off, but I'll see. Oh, Caroline. Great. Thank you so much.
If you need to invest, if you need to invite anyone into the stream to take your place. Oh, I might do that. I might do that. Okay.
Oh, look at that gamer chair. That one looks sweet.
So, Gang, we have a bunch of things to deliver at 1250. What order do you guys want to do them in? Well, I mean, I can't deliver the video to Adam. All I can say is that I will now take the steps necessary to produce for the first time in a decade a long-awaited video called Baby Cop Park.
Amazing. He didn't even ask for this. The fans did it. They did it for me. Thank you very much.
You voted. You're not only going to vote for our government. You made a vote for freedom and joy today. You made my life better.
I found the lyrics and they're making me laugh right now. Just read them and they're making me laugh.
Wow. Katie, can I quickly also ask you to text Theo again to make sure that him dropping off isn't because he's perished or sick. And now, Brennan, it's your, it's lore time. The absence, so spoilers for A Crown of Candy, the absence of lore regarding the death of Princess Saffria of the House of Rocks may be blamed on the Los Angeles Fire Department for, indeed, the Los Angeles Fire Department shutting down the dimensional dome at the IAC building in Los Angeles made us lose a number of episodes, including episodes that would have featured the taste buds as they are so-called journeying to the city of Carn in the Meatlands. You will notice that the various sister's rocks had their deaths associated with different nations, right? So, you know, it was vegetarians.
People are telling you to wait for Lou. Oh, wait for Lou? Oh, I should wait for Lou. Yeah, definitely. Fuck them. We will wait for Lou.
I can hear it all. I can hear it all about the city of Carn.
Okay, great. Okay, good. The different deaths associated with the different nations. Yes, yes.
So, in any case, Princess Saffria, as we know, was on an espionage envoy to the city of Carn, the capital of the Meatlands, before the primacy of Warlord Vashimyaso, the Warlord of the Beef Clans back when the Carn was ruled by the chieftain of the Great Hen, back when the Great Hen was sort of the ascendant beast of the Meatlands. There are intense rules surrounding hospitality and the treatment of a guest in the Meatlands that are part of their culture and tradition. Princess Saffria knew that the Meatlands needed to basically withdraw from the war for them to have any chance of survival so that Rococo could march on Pangronas was there. Danger was coming in on all sides. Her situation was getting worse and worse. She was in a tremendous amount of danger and realized that if she, her closest ally in the Meatlands, a young Vashimyaso, that's right, as contentious as Vashimyaso's relationship was with Amathar, he was a tremendous ally and confidant of Saffria. Saffria and Basha got along real, real well. Saffria gave her life knowing that the Meatlanders that were servants of the Great Hen that killed her would jeopardize their leaders standing enough that according to the ancient laws of the Meatlands, Basha would be able to challenge the chieftain of the Great Hen to ritual combat because the leader of the Great Hen did not know that Basha was actually opposed to them. So in other words, it was this last-minute improvised act on the part of Saffria to open up a legal loophole within the Meatlands for Basha to take power, thus withdrawing the Meatlands from allegiance with Candia's enemies. A incredible rogue-based diplomatic espionage last-ditch effort to save her homeland. So Basha, my sister sacrificed herself for Basha Miaso, and Basha Miaso, in fact, it wasn't just some dick to me at a party. He's the whole reason Candia survived long enough for the Concord to be established.
You can ascend your complaints to the Los Angeles Fire Department, gang, because we had a whole adventure that was going to take place in Karn. Yeah, if you're going to take one thing away from that, it's complain to the Fire Department.
Yeah, Saffria. Saffria's a bet.
Ah! Oh, my. I heard you were getting some registrants today. Oh, Brady, you little fuck. I see you there. Charlie! Oh, my God, it's Charles Mothers. How's it going?
You got a hot bowl of gin nearby? I got some hot gin.
I see we got some pretty faces. God, Adam's got some sweet lips down there.
Take her back into the shed with you. Everyone's coming over later, aren't you? Charles, Charles, don't have anyone come over. We're in a pandemic.
Not here. Where's here? Where are you?
You're drinking of gin. Canonically, I'm in space or something now. Brian Miller wrote an RPG about it. It's weird.
Are you, did your fucks register to vote? You know, there's Nazis running the land right now. There's Nazis all over. We got to do something about it. That's why we're asking people to register is explicitly because we've got to rid this country of Nazis.
Yes. Oh, Christ. It's true. It's so fun to have a room full of comedy writers that you respect just judging you for your hacky bits. I see you. I fucking see it. Well, all I was thinking about is you said, Jen, and I said, I better pour myself another drink. So well done. There you go, Grant.
What are you drinking there, Granty boy? I'm drinking rum. I'm drinking. I'm drinking aged rum.
It's turned into a real, a real fucking Hemingway type all of a sudden. I love it.
Now, on the topic of like, you know, stats, like how tall is Grant? How old are you, Mr. Mothers?
I fought in the war. Which war? Yeah, which one? Nazis.
I fucked women all over the world. I always came back. My wife. All over the world. So you went to more than one like theater of the war?
Yes. Japan and France. That's right. Heroic of you, really. That's right, it was. Were you a child? Yep. Sure was.
Charles, the chat asks, how's your wife? I'm still looking for Martha. Ever since I was told that she's not dead, she's out there alive. She's taken by void trolls. I'll find her someday. I'll find her. Aw.
Void trolls? Yes, can I ask Brian is how often is Dan Jones and Drake and some shit like that?
Well, someone of your stature, Mr. Mothers, coming in and telling us all, you have a lot more experience than us, a lot more years. And when you say it's important to vote, it has real gravitas. So thank you for speaking to our generation. All the generations watching this YouTube live stream from a place of experience.
You better vote or I'll come and fucking haunt you. Nazi, no Nazis. Sorry, Charles, you're saying haunt people? I'll haunt you.
Are you dead? No, not yet.
You fucking try me, Brandon, you whippersnapper. And you'll kill yourself if he tries. If you don't vote, I'll kill myself. Well, I'll haunt you.
That's my God. That's that's pretty somehow really, really threatening. I don't want that on my conscience. It's it affected me.
You better vote, please vote. Please, please, everybody. Charles, did you get to vote for Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I voted. Yes. How many times? Wait, wait, wait. I voted in every election.
I think technically I'm actually British. Slips away sometimes.
So I I'd vote for the queen and for monarchy. You'd vote for the queen. You voted for the queen.
Charles, I thought you weren't you canonically part of the Irish Republican army. Yes, right. I met a different queen, not the queen of Ireland. Not the corgi queen. The queen of Ireland. That's the corgi one. Hell yeah. Olivia, not Olivia Munn. Who is it? Olivia Munn is the queen of Ireland.
Wait, Jason Zidakis is the king of Ireland? Yeah, Jason Zidakis.
Yes, canonically. Oh, canonically, canonically. Oh, my God.
We're at 1389 actions right now. We'll have one more update right at 7 p.m. When this last actions, if we forget, we did. Did we do Ryan's dunks for those last? I'm almost positive. We did not. We have it. Time again. Right off screen.
I got a full basketball court right here. I do have a basketball. So I'm now going to do another dunk. Here we go. What's this going to be? Ryan, this one's going to be a spinning dunk.
Okay. Wow. I mean, if that went in, that's got to be like that's going to be like a 720. You did like so many spins. Listen, thank you so much. It was a 720. It did go in. Jesus. You're at 20. Yeah, that was awesome. Hold on a second. What's up? That was awesome.
Thank you so much. Thanks so much.
That really means a lot. You know, the cot-over doors means a lot because he's a famous skeptic. Oh, I fact-checked this dunk. It was super sweet. My research staff said. I really appreciate that.
Source up in the right hand corner. Oh man. Was that Sam? You were going to say something?
Oh, I was just going to say, you know, there's a lot of love and chat a lot of people talking about how they needed this dose of serotonin. The most serotonin they've had in a long time.
You know, I think to get cheesy for a moment, it's like so nice to see everybody to be in the same like virtual room as everybody. And I'm going to imagine that we're in a room like this together as we hold hands and vote this year. I'm going to imagine that, you know, I'm holding hands with my community with all of you to perform this necessary action for our country.
Uh, yeah, so we're wrapping up. We're going to have one last announcement for those who are with us at the very end, maybe are just catching the tail of this.
I know it's the last four minutes now, but please do click that link in the video description to register to vote. If you are not registered, confirm your registration to make sure that you're good to vote in your local election for everyone watching here too. The smallest amount of political engagement if we all do it is enough to move the needle and make a huge difference. Sign up for one text banking thing, one phone banking thing. If you got a few extra bucks, there's a candidate or a cause you care about. I guarantee there are organizations that are doing the work out there that you care about.
And also it's a very funny time because this is like, we're, you know, the news got so crazier in the last 24 hours, but I just want to say that like on a pragmatic level, there's, I think there's been so much gloom and doom in 2020. I don't believe necessarily in optimism or pessimism. Like no one knows what the future holds. No one knows whether the things that are going to happen will be good or bad.
But on a pure pragmatic level, hope is an understanding that if we fucking hustle, we can get something good to happen. So it is never foolish or naive to have hope that the world can get better. And look at all the people watching in the chat, everyone here in the Zoom with us. All these people are on the same team and there's so many more people like us that want the same things and have the same vision for what a better world would look like. So you're not alone and it's not foolish or dumb to have hope and think that in this wildly news-ridden year, it is still possible for things to get better if we just go out and make them get better.
So hopefully this live stream is showing you how many people are on the squad and you will spend some time this month getting involved in these causes and supporting these things registering, getting your friends registering. Again, I can't shout out making a plan, getting your friends to make a voting plan, signing up to be a poll worker because again, we don't want to have immunocompromised people doing that poll working this year if they don't have to. And often those are the populations like elderly people are often the people that are doing that poll working. Signing up for that. And then once the election is coming gone, staying in that fight with all kinds of great direct action, volunteering.
There are so many great causes around and we give them a fuck and we love all you guys and you guys have killed it tonight and we know that you do too. So we'll keep it up, baby. Also go, Nithya Raman. There's a lot of people here in LA specifically who are really, really excited about this local candidate we have. So if you were anywhere near LA and able to throw down some support.
Anybody want to join a Nithya Raman phone bank tomorrow? I'm hosting one, baby. I will be there. Phone bank tomorrow. Nithya for the city.com. It's tomorrow at 4 30 p.m. PST.
I also can find a link. Hell yes. And by the way, live on one of the few streets that are near mine. I still have 140 of these. I have to put on your door. And by the way, there is a we all live in the same spot.
So that's why we're all excited about Nithya Raman. Get excited about local politics. There is a Nithya Raman near you who needs your help. And this is true even for our international friends watching who have been so awesome as they come in and help their their Yankee friends out with our electoral moment that we're having. But somewhere near you, no matter where you live, I guarantee that there is somebody there who could one day be that person on the national stage.
But if they don't win that Mayorship, if they don't win that city council, if they're not elected comptroller, that moment shining in the future is never going to happen. And also, even disregarding that moment, the stuff in your town matters. The stuff in your county matters.
So please do look it up. Take five minutes to Google who your Nithya Raman is. But if your Nithya Raman is Nithya Raman, I'll holler at you at the phone bank tomorrow that Adam is running because she slaps.
And for those of you still wanting to adjust over 1500 actions in order to get this Calroy lawyer from Brennan, take action after the fact because this link is going to be up for the next few days. And if we tip over 1500 at any point in the next couple of days, then Brennan will still be on the hook for that. I am still on the hook. If we can clear 1500, you'll get the lore. I promise. You're still on the hook for 2000.
What's that for 2000? At 2000, I will drop Kalina lore. If we get to 2K, you get Kalina lore. So there you go. Wow.
And at 3000, we'll just drop the next side quest. We'll just drop. At 3000, we will drop the cast of the next side quest.
Hell yeah. Let's do it. There you go. Hell yeah. Keep the link live, gang. That's it, guys. It's seven o'clock.
I just so, so appreciate everybody showing up for this. What an amazing, what an amazing gesture on your part. And we made a real difference here.
We may actually get one more by the time we sign off. So I should, I should stop myself from like wrapping, wrapping this up. We are, we're waiting on, we're waiting on the final, final numbers. Well, we can, or we can wrap it up here now, if that's appropriate.
It is 701. I want to be respectful Hey, Sam, can I talk to you outside real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Hence.
Was I'm the ghost of all the bugs who died. We died in the hot man suit. Oh, it's a bunch of ghost bugs.
Oh my god. How is that?
So now you're coming back to haunt me because you're dead bucks. I've come back to haunt you in with the final tally of actions. Hey gang, we have the final tally.
We're going to hit this Calroy thing in a second. Hey, we're even saying we were all just sitting quietly by ourselves for a second. Yeah, we could hear a thing.
Where'd you go? And why weren't you laughing when you came back? Was it a bad? Oh man, we ruined the bit.
Hell yeah. You know what? I'm going to say close enough. We're going to hit 1500 in like a second. Is that right or no? Am I crazy? We'll end it probably in like the next 30 minutes. Okay, cool.
Gang, 1429 smashed everything today. This really is so, so, so remarkable. A huge shout out to everyone who was involved. And what a beautiful time spent in the company of people who are not only funny as hell and beautiful and wonderful and it's so great to see all our pals. But also give a shit about their fellow damn Americans. Lots of love from everybody here on the Zoom to all of you.
Be well, be safe. Brighter day is yet to come, gang. We'll see you next time.
Bye. Bye everybody. Thanks everybody. Bye.
You both feel good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
cracked | titanic_had_the_most_horrifying_ending_not_how_you_think | Hey, since it's 1998, do you want to go see Titanic one more time before it leaves the theaters? No. That didn't kind of creep me out. Creep you out.
It's a love story of a generation. You know that, right? You are aware that it's the love story of a generation?
Yeah, I keep hearing that and, like, how epic it is and how the ending is so touching, but I don't see what's so romantic about being sucked into the endless vortex of hell, so. Guess I'm the weird one.
Oh, I see what happened. You thought I said Event Horizon came out around the same time as Titanic. I do see how the names are similar, so you could have been kind of- No, no, I heard you. But now that you mention it, Event Horizon and Titanic are kind of the same film. They both came out last year, 1997.
They both take place on a doomed ship, and they both end with the main character getting snatched by the ashen grip of the underworld. Can you explain to me what you think the ending of the Titanic is about? Ooh, yes, okay. So we see old Rose die on Bill Paxton, who will never die as boat, right? And the last shot is from the point of view of Rose's soul as she descends into the abyss of the Titanic.
You're picturing it in your mind's eye? Yes. Of course I'm picturing it. I'm picturing it in my mind's eye.
How else are we supposed to easily access movie clips in 1998? But what does Rose's soul going back to the Titanic have to do with hell? Did you not see any of the scenes leading up to the end? Oh yeah, my mind's eye remembers.
Being on the Titanic was objectively the worst thing to happen to any of the survivors. So why would reliving the worst week of your life be a good thing?
Yeah, but she got to be back with her jack. Who she knew for like a week! We know that later on Rose gets married, plops out a kid, and has a full and happy life. So what, her loving husband doesn't get to join her in the afterlife?
Man, that is kinda whack. Yeah, it's hella whack.
And it means that everyone that survived the Titanic is destined to go back there after they die. So Rose's mom is there, and Billy Zane is there just dissing Picasso and giving orders to his weird old henchmen. So it's like The Shining, where this horrific event caused a spiritual echo where Rose and the rest of the passengers are reliving this tragedy over and over again. Or it's just like regular old pitchfork hell, and after everyone's done, you know, plodding their make-out sesh, it's just gonna be an endless loop of drowning in ice water and getting shot out by your magician-haired ex. I'm sorry, can we go back for a sec? Why is Rose in hell? I mean, did she kill a bunch of dogs when she got to America? Because Rose caused the Titanic to sink.
You're a monster! No! I know! Yeah, you wish for that! You knew it was bad! I did! Sorry. I'm not a monster, though. That's extreme.
Close your eyes, okay? Go to your mind's eye. Alright, do you remember the part where the lookouts see the iceberg?
Yeah. Yeah? Alright.
They're distracted by something. Do you remember what that is? The lookout was distracted because he was watching Rose and Jack kiss! And since the ship was a mere seconds away from avoiding collision, had the lookout turned his head just a few seconds earlier.
They would've never sank. You got it, dude. Had Rose jumped off at the beginning, they never would've met. Jack never would've drawn that boob picture. They never would've fallen in love and then made that car wet with sex. They never would've distracted the lookout on the deck with their post-coital glee.
Rose traded her life for everyone on the Titanic's life, including that itty frozen baby at the end. Rose caused the Titanic to sink.
Do you see? Yeah, yeah, I see. I see.
Good. I don't actually have a bomb like in Event Horizon. Good.
Love that movie though. Paul Anderson. Genius. Mortal Kombat. He's making a new movie coming out this year, 1998, called Soldier with Kurt Russell. It looks dope, like a movie we will never forget. You said it, rude boy. Hey, hey, did you hear they're making another Star Wars? And they announced their Jurassic Park movie. Man, the early 2000s are gonna be the best. Swings! |
TheOnion | Democrats_Obama_Has_Dicked_Us_Around_For_Four_Years_Now_It_s_Our_Turn | You're back on the front lines of election 2012. Obama's poll numbers among his Democratic base are way down. The reason, analysts suggest, liberal voters just want to see Obama sweat a little before they inevitably vote for him.
Jason, fill us in. Yeah, Andrea, pretty interesting. Take a look at this.
A full 63% of registered voters say they're undecided about who they're voting for. But when pressed with a second question, okay, but seriously, when it comes down to it, who are you really going to vote for, 89% say Obama. But still, that lack of commitment has to be keeping the president up at night. Yeah, that's the whole point. Democrats are disappointed with the president's first-term performance. Basically, they want to make him suffer a little bit. Okay, Jason, let's see what some of those so-called undecided Democrats are saying. I don't know who I'm going to vote for.
I've been seeing some real nice ads for Mitt Romney. We're flashy and sophisticated.
Hear that, Obama? Honestly, I've never voted anything but Democrat my entire life, but I don't know about this year. How does that make you feel, Obama?
It sounds like voters are really just getting back in for a very disappointing first term. Yeah, you know, they've been pulling together all sorts of stunts just to screw this head. For instance, they're talking about this all-day jazz festival that they're going to attend on November 6th, pretending that they've forgotten about the election altogether. Okay, and Jason, how long do you think Obama's base is planning to torment him like this? Well, it's looking like it might be a while. I mean, there are even rumors that at the Democratic National Convention, when they're about to announce Obama's name, they're actually going to call Dennis Kucinich's name.
You're kidding. I love this. He'll come out, pretend to accept the nomination. Obama's just going to pee himself. That is going to be so hilarious. Wow.
I mean, I have to say, all of this has got to be rattling the president, and indeed I think it is. He released a statement today saying, quote, listen, I know I haven't been the best president in the world, but I'm sorry and I really will do better.
Just say you will vote for me. Say it, I'll do anything.
Would you believe that four years ago? Well, and you know, look at this, the Obama 2012 team also unveiled this new campaign poster.
God, I love that. He's on his knees.
That is just so pathetic. Ridiculous.
Now, what about Biden? Does Biden also have to be nominated at the DNC? Yeah, they've tried the same tactic with Biden.
Didn't quite work. No, huh?
A DNC chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, approached him. She said they were, quote, exploring their possibilities for vice president, but Biden just winked at her and said, all right, baby, why don't you call me when you get your head together?
All right, Jason, thank you so much for the 2012 Democrat grid. We'll be back with you later. Moving on, candidates have named Philadelphia's Steve Sidwell as the voter they'd most like to have a beer with. |
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