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cracked | how_not_to_shoot_a_promo_the_de_textbook_promo_fail | You may remember a craft. It is a magazine from childhood.
It's relaunched as a website now with over 3,000,300 billion. Hopefully there's even more. How many? 300 billion? A billion billion. They're here presenting their D Textbook, please welcome the writers and editors, craft.com.
Woah! Hey! Woah! Hey!
Tremendous start! We just finished signing our new book, the D Textbook here at Barnes & Noble and Santa Monica. The The textbook is full of amazing facts that we're going to shoot at you, rapid fire, right now.
Ulysses S. Grant was afraid of mud and blood and wouldn't let people see his butt. Michael, go! Um, if there's many pages, you've got all your illustrations in here. I feel like I set the pace of how fast it's going to go. And he thinks, go, Cody, go!
Books are bad luck. Don't buy them. F***! Uh, when you're playing sports, hum as you play the sport and it'll help you. Read a book. Just don't stop watching videos and read a goddamn book. It doesn't matter if it's this one or another.
We've signed all of them. They're all signed. We got, we signed all of the books.
We did not. This is probably the least effective promo.
Hey Michael, what's that cool book you're reading? It's a cat pirate that I was doing. They don't have to be all so reading in the promo. Alright, okay. Hey Michael, what's that cool book you're reading? The Crackey textbook, available now here, hopefully elsewhere.
Because the people watching can't get this one. They're not here.
Yeah. It's a noble by the way. What kind of stuff is in this cool book? You're looking at me still. Cody? Oh! It's called the...
Did you guys know that Adolf Hitler looked really scary in his speeches? Not because he was so passionate and so like intense and like, oh it looks like he's a man on fire. He practiced all of those. He had a PR guy and he took pictures of his face and then looked at them afterwards like, which one is my scariest face? And he would pick that one and like practice it in the mirror. He also took a bunch of pictures of himself in the woods, in tiny little boy shorts because he was like, I want the show off my sexy side. And then he saw the pictures and was like, that's not so fun. And he hid them from the world for years and then I found them. And now they're in this book and you can look at them. They're insane. He also did that other stuff.
Dan should have just done the promo. Dan should...
That was pretty good. Thanks man. Buy our book and subscribe. Subscribe to the YouTube channel that you're watching right now on YouTube.com. Much less of this usually. |
cracked | a_moment_by_moment_breakdown_of_the_worst_music_video_ever_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, I am Daniel O'Brien, and this is Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that is the pop culture of Mice and Men's Lenny is to soft things. Today's episode hopes to ruin your day with...
There's no shortage of crappy music videos on the Internet, but this one's special because get ready Planet Earth, it's got Corey Feldman singing in it. Corey Feldman, actor turned singer. Corey Feldman, a former actor who now dabbles in invite only sex parties and the kind of drugs that other drugs take to get weird. Corey Feldman, a disgraced lizard creature banished Earth to study the vomit patterns of our loneliest women. Corey Feldman, wrinkled king of the sewer perverts. Corey, they know my name at all the strip clubs and not because I used to be famous. Corey Feldman, the squeakiest of farts, recently released a music video, it's terrible, and sharing it with you is the most important thing I will ever do. It's called Ascension Millennium, because those are words Corey's heard before, and it takes us through a day in what Corey would like us to believe is his life. After awakening with a well-timed musical sex grunt, Corey leaves a woman who is paid to share a bed with him and perceives the show so that he doesn't really know how to clean himself properly. And so far, exactly how I imagine Corey Feldman starts every single day.
Glass-y-eyed women and questionable hygiene. If that's not the title of the Corey Feldman memoir, I will ghost-write whether he wants me to or not, then I will eat my hat and the rope attached to it. That's a call ahead reference to a joke I haven't made yet. Pay attention. There's a lot going on in this episode. Here is where things fly off the rails for me. No way is Corey Feldman flanked by two giant Amazonian angels. Him not being able to put on a glove, I buy, but him knowing or being able to afford two women who will be the bread in a stale Feldman sandwich, that is where I draw the line. After briefly checking in with Feldman's former co-star Sean Astin, Sean, what are you doing, man?
You're at the Oscars. We go on a journey through a party that's happening in Corey's backyard, and you know it's rockin' because it hits all the important party hallmarks. Party cups?
That pool's gonna grow hair. Next, Corey takes us to a dance party where everyone gets to wear hats. Has to. Has to wear hats.
They pull those hats down from the ceiling, and if you look closely, one of the hats still has its rope attached, but the dancer doesn't even give a fart because these aren't even paid in a lethal dose of diet neon. And if you look even closer, you'll see that Corey isn't actually doing any of the same dance moves. He's doing his own thing, which I've dubbed Coreyography, which I grant might make things confusing, but look out, it's a stupid fucking internet video. The cameraman can't even keep him in frame because his moves are just very specific. All that neon-fueled non-dancing has left Corey just absolutely famished.
So we follow him to his kitchen, where his sunglasses-wearing chef is already waiting for him, with food in the dark. Why are you wearing sunglasses in the dark inside, guy?
Corey's really cool band is in his studio recording the song Corey had been singing on working instruments that they're playing. And now, imagine I put sarcastic air quotes on every third word in that sentence. Corey's really cool band is in his studio recording the song that Corey had been singing on working instruments that they're playing.
But then, oh shit, the walls fall apart, and we're actually in a stadium this whole time. Or no, actually, we're in a green screen room, where a static image of a warped stadium has been awkwardly added in post.
Just as good. Corey leaves in the middle of recording the song and goes straight to bed, because in this universe, a day lasts only as long as one of his songs does. And because, you know, it's a big, doofy chode. Okay, let me just double check my notes here, make sure I covered everything, hat dance. Corey Feldman clearly borrowed this house from a more successful friend, let's say Sean Astin. That's why he was there. Neon energy drink, and this is legit, actually pays you to drink it. No thanks, all the same. Oh, did one of the angels disappear in a beam of light in the beginning? That's impressive. Big doofy chode, I said that.
Nope, that's all I had. Cool. Thanks for being part of my truth movement, folks. Join me next time when my topic will be, what if Titanic was real? What? Boats? No. Roll sound? Okay. Hello Planet Earth, thank you for watching.
Do you like the cool shirt that I was wearing in that video? Well, you can't, it's mine, it's not for sale, you can't have it. But this shirt is for sale, it's brand new in our store, the dispensary, and if you use the promo code Dan, you get 15% off all your purchases all October long. If you don't like this shirt, that's fine. There are other shirts. This is Nikola Tesla, it's also a woman's shirt that I grabbed by accident. He died a virgin, probably because he didn't have a fly ass shirt like this to attract the honeys, but you hate it. That fighting too. There are others. Oh, this was planned. This is another woman's shirt, it's Blues Brothers reservoir dogs. You can have it, you can buy it, promo code Dan. This is Theodore Roosevelt. He didn't die a virgin at all because he had this face his whole life, and you can have it too. And if you don't like it, that's also fine because this is a thesaurus shirt, and it's really cool, and dinosaurs went extinct, and you could learn a bunch of other words for extinct from a thesaurus, or you could just walk around with this and impress people.
But there's more! There's more! No, there's not more.
This is it. Use promo code Dan, 15% off all October long. That's it. |
TheOnion | Twitter_IPO_Price_Drops_After_Investors_Realize_It_Means_Partly_Owning_Jeremy_s_Feed | Hillary Clinton quietly asks Bill if he still finds her electable. A giant burrito is going to solve all of an area man's problems for three precious minutes and the nation is not about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics. This video will utilize auditory tones and flashing images to stimulate your memory of the news content featured this week on our website. This is The Onion Week in Review. This week, the price of Twitter's IPO sharply dropped after investors realized it meant partly owning the Twitter feed of 27-year-old Jeremy Paulson. By Thursday, stocks in the popular social networking firm had plummeted to less than $2 a share, with potential investors everywhere saying they wanted no part in owning any element of Jeremy's annoying Twitter page, whether it's any one of his excruciating 3,200 tweets or his awful, smug-looking profile picture. Twitter's launch was highly anticipated by tech insiders, but it took a major hit last night when Jeremy tweeted 12 straight messages with his opinion on electronic music. The stock may never recover.
According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, Americans currently lead the world in compressing big sandwiches into sufficiently biteable sizes, outranking countries such as Germany, Slovenia, and the Ukraine. Researchers pointed out that in series after series of tests, Americans consistently topped international rankings by implementing over 800 pounds per square inch of compressive force on a wide variety of sandwiches, rarely hesitating for more than a moment before diving in, pushing the bread together, and wedging it into their mouths. In the cases in which Americans failed to sufficiently compress a sandwich and, say, dropped a straight piece of bacon or avocado, which, let me emphasize, was extremely rare, they still led the pack on quickly scooping up this topping with their hands and eating it, sometimes even inventively doing so with a straight potato chip or french fry.
Fed up with an increasing workload and interpersonal problems throughout the headquarters of CLG Software, project manager William Garstin took a list of grievances today to his utterly powerless supervisor. This confirmed the 15-minute interaction, which was taken seriously by both parties, involved Garstin listing a series of issues he's been having with the company over the past few months, absolutely none of which his supervisor Todd Watkins has even the slightest amount of authority to help resolve. You know, it's just nice to have someone like Todd involved if there's any sort of issue. He told me he was bringing all this to Steve's attention as soon as he could. As of this morning, Watkins had not yet talked to Steve. And in sports news, an NFL scout hopes a player's hometown friend Big Killa won't be a liability. In other news, Paul Hogan admits he's still searching for that one career-defining role, a local teen accidentally walks in on his family masturbating, and a woman is unaware she's the only person on acid at a James Taylor concert. By completing this video, you have proven you are capable of filming, producing and editing your own. We expect one Onion review video from you by the end of next week. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_119_DMA_s_Johnny_Took | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live in the old city district downtown Batooter. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol?
Good to be back out west and it's good to have a guest from down south up here too that's not going to scare the living daylights out of the locals here. Well he's not from that far south, he's a Sydney lad, musician, singer, songwriter, cultural critic. Well the people from New South Wales have only been allowed up here in Queensland for a few days.
Yeah I know so we're lucky to get him but he and his band are about to go on tour. We're talking with Johnny Talk from the DMA, thank you for joining us Johnny. Clancy, Errol, it's good to be in Queensland. It's good to have you up here mate.
Now you are about to embark on what many people thought wasn't possible. Providing Victorians do what they're told and stay down south, I guess New South Wales can get hold of this, you know what looks to be a new cluster of coronavirus cases. You are about to go on a tour in the backdrop of no live music around Australia. Who would have thought? We're probably one of the first bands to start touring again, you know, obviously since the virus has happened so who knows, like you said, there's clusters popping up so who knows if they're going to go ahead but we're going to do our best. So tell us a little bit about how this happens, they've been described as intimate shows so I mean you've done Splendour in the Grass before, you've done football stadiums overseas, you've done all kinds of stuff, it's not going to be like that.
It's going to be... Well yeah as you said the word intimate, it's not going to be as intimate as in a sweaty mosh pit, but it's going to be intimate as in smaller amount of people in the room because obviously, you know, we're following the guidelines and the appropriate coverage. So it's one per four square. Yep, so it's basically a private function, thereabouts, in the eyes of the law. Yeah but...
We could fit a few more people in there, I think if we called it a religious experience, right? Oh yeah, you could, you should just play a bit of that face melting Hillsong solo on guitar. Switch foot.
Well how big do you reckon like the largest indoor venue is in this country, what's that, that would be that big arena in Sydney or the Horden or that one in Melbourne? Outside of stadiums. Oh okay. No that's got the roof on it because it has to be like... There's a Superdome, but that's not the biggest. So say roughly what's that, that'd be 4,000 square metres, you could fit a thousand people in there not touching each other. So the factories, I think, even because it can have the curtains, so it can be at different sizes.
Like guys in Sydney, you're going to do... How are you going to do it? You're going to do one, obviously people will space out a little bit.
What's the top number you can get in there, 150? So 150 yeah, and I think the normal capacity is maybe 800.
Yeah right, okay. So it's like a sixth, I think.
And no standing at the bar. No. Table service? No dancing, definitely no dancing.
I'll tell you what... You just sit there and listen to us.
I went down to Engonia to have a beer down there on the weekend, that was my first beer in New South Wales in, I don't know, six weeks. And you weren't allowed to have a drink at the bar, and if you've ever been to that pub at Engonia, there's not that much room to sit down, so they had us all out the front on milk crates.
So I hope it's not that intimate.
No, no, no. How many nights are you doing? Okay, so we started with six shows, which was three nights and two shows a night, but now it's ridiculously gone up to 18, which is like comical, it's getting a bit silly.
That's a tour though, you're working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except it's kind of good because you can just stay set up for six shows in a row. So usually you guys would do Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, maybe Perth, Adelaide, and maybe one or two shows in the big capitals, like Melbourne or Sydney, but that's just one show per city. Now you're actually getting those same numbers. Well we worked it out, I think it was, I think the 18 shows is 2,700 tickets, which is pretty much an M-wall, a bit bigger than an M-wall, except you've got to do it 18 times, not once, which is, it's fine for me when I'm just strumming a few chords, but when you're the singer, when you're Tommy, it's a bit of a rough gig I think. Yeah, yeah. So can you tell us a little bit about life on the road pre-corona, how do you guys go on tour? We go pretty good. So we're a six-piece live.
The three guys, Liam Hoskins, Tom Crandalls, and Joel Fliger, they're all mates of ours. So it's not like we just called up some random session guys and blah, blah, blah. So we're all friends and all our crew are amazing.
The first few years were pretty insane, not having a lot of money, we realised we were travelling around Europe and UK pretty illegally for the first couple of years, because the amount of weight that you're meant to have in the splitter or sprinter van or whatever they're called, if you have gear and people in there, it well exceeds the limit. For the barge. And also actually in Europe, if you're on the autobahn and you want to do a piss, apparently there's a rule where you have to put on a high vis vest.
Oh really? Yeah.
That wasn't happening on the early tours. That wasn't happening either.
And hop out and have a piss on the side of the autobahn.
Actually, Tommy went for a piss, I think, one time, on something like the autobahn or something. He was pretty wasted and he lost his phone and we get this call, or someone contacts, I don't know how it even happened, it's ridiculous. And we got the call and some German person has found his phone.
They're very polite people.
Yeah, I know, but in the middle of nowhere on the side of the autobahn, and it's like what? And he's somehow got it back, I don't know. You could lose your phone at a pub, no one would say, thing in Australia.
Moving forward, this tour is promoting a new album called The Glow. You've just released it this year.
How long did this one take?
Because you guys have obviously, as you say, you step it up now, you've got six on tour. You're a six piece on stage.
I mean, there's a lot more people involved in the process, I imagine, nowadays. Do you bring in any hired guns with some of your stuff nowadays?
Well, because the guys I mentioned before have been in the band for so long now, it was really important. Well, Tom's the bass player and the drummer Liam have played on every record. Joel played on the last one, but we wanted them to be all over this one. And playing the amount of gigs we've played in that unit, it's become a really tight force, but also such a big part of our livelihood and who we are and all that kind of stuff. So it was important that everyone played.
So last record was the first time we used the producer, it was Kim Moyes from the Presets. But we still kind of even recorded some of our own guitars. We had the recording studio above the Lady Hampshire. So we recorded some stuff there. So this was the first time I guess everything we'd recorded was in a big studio.
Whether that was with Scott Horscroft up at The Grove, or with Stuart Price. We went to Rack Studios in London, and we went to Westlake Studios in LA. And Stuart's done New Order, Madonna, The Killers, Pet Shop Boys, and for us moving into a more... We were incorporating... We've always been a guitar driven band. And so we were incorporating more sequences and synths and drum machines and stuff like that.
And his electronic background was pretty amazing to collaborate with someone like that to kind of get this new sound and album over the line and do it legitimately and make it sound shit hot basically. So is the process quicker than basically producing an album in your living room? Well, yeah, because one of the reasons when we did the first album, we did lots of the vocals and the guitars in our apartment or in our own studio, is you can spend heaps of time on them. And you can be super creative in that way, where when you're in the studio, it's like, you're paying the money.
Get the take, man. So you streamline it as much as you can.
Yeah, but at the same time, that pressure is good. I reckon that pressure is cool. Doing something creative under pressure, I reckon is kind of cool, like weird stuff comes out in a good way.
I've heard that is the case with a lot of people in Hollywood who work on Clint Eastwood films that he's directing, because obviously the studio will designate this amount of time and people are going to get paid for that amount of time for your big Hollywood films are used to like real kind of perfectionist directors. But apparently Clint Eastwood's just a one day guy.
So it's like, got it. Good. People are knocking off at midday on his sets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it.
They just, you know, you fly somewhere for, fly to South Africa and film a film with Clint Eastwood and you're basically on holidays because all he needs is that one day he doesn't give a shit.
Well, if you're that person, I guess like a director or is kind of like the producer in the music sense. I know it's not like the producer of a show is like the, it's different. For example, we've got a song called Hello Girlfriend on the new album. I'm pretty sure Tommy did it in his second take.
Yeah, right. And if you're that kind of producer, you've got the year to go. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Let's move on.
Time is precious. Yeah, because you always hear those big yarns about how a band has recorded like 40 takes of one song and then the producer goes back and says the first one was the best.
100%.
Or you'd be like the Eagles and spend a million dollars making Hotel California and spend a year on that song and do a tremendous amount of code, but you can't make records like that these days. Do you find that, say the Grove, there's that place that a lot of Australian recording artists go to. It's tucked away up in the hinterland central coast. You know, what's the vibe there? Because you know that some of the greatest albums have ever been recorded there. I guess it's just like a little experience.
You know, every band that's been there has had to live in this town where, I mean, I remember hearing that they had one kind of Italian take away place. Every musician's eaten at that place.
Yeah, I think it's called Hungry Wolves, which is funny, like the song. What is it like?
That sounds a bit more tedious than being on the road with the band, staying in staying in place for a week recording, you know. Well, actually during lockdown, I was up there co-producing. So Scott Horscroft, who produced Silver and Round and Around off this new record, I was just working with him on Hayley Mary's new album. So that three weeks in lockdown, we were up at the Grove and it's just so beautiful there, you know, and it's like no better way to spend lockdown when no one's doing anything.
But yeah, that's kind of like, I've worked, so like in the future, I want to be a producer. That's eventually, you know, where I'm heading for. It's definitely different. I think I've tried to work out, like, I love being in the studio and recording and writing and like, like I feel amazing in that, in that element, but at the same time, it's like, I think if I had like 20% touring and 80% in the studio, that would be ideal for me.
Yeah. Because you need that. You need that.
Especially now, like during corona, you realize how important that part of your life is as much as you can whinge about the 200 hours of flights you've done each year from here in the UK and all that stuff. But it's a big part of our life and it's a big part of all musicians' livelihood.
Have you found that you've come up with a song on stage in front of, you know, have you ever come up with anything on stage and later recorded it? Yeah, we do it a bit in sound checks.
Yeah. Right. Okay.
So I'm a massive Bruce Springsteen fan. And I just learned racing in the street on guitar or whatever the week before.
You're not playing your songs in sound check.
Yeah. Full blown cover shot. Yeah. That's right.
You try and get creative. They're like, give me a bit of the guitar. Like you're like, I got up my sleeve.
Yeah.
Or like, or then sometimes you hit the, the, um, the tritone conversation and everyone's just playing tritones, you know, which were, which were banned back in the 18 or something like that. Like the devil's, the devil's interval, um, which, which is, uh, it's probably the worst part of it. But anyway, there's that part.
So I started playing, um, you know, racing the street and then Tommy just started singing a melody over and like that became time and money, which is a song I fell last record. Right. And then at the time, like Mason, we're in Germany, I think again, Mason, uh, kind of like a little bit tongue in cheek to start, um, almost and I get some, you know, cause he's got backing vocals as well. I can, I get some guitar and vocals and he's like, no matter how hard I try. And then I started playing this cover of shares believe. And then Tommy walked on stage and started singing the chorus and we're like, wow, that actually sounds pretty good. If we have to do a cover, we should do that.
Right. Is that how that came up? Yeah. Was that the first one you took to Richard Kingsmill? Like, no, no, we took like seven tracks because I've heard that you can't just go there and tell him what you want to do. You've got to be like, all right, we've got eight to choose from and it's just, and he was like that one. Yeah. This one hits the nostalgia button. This one's a little bit off brand for us. You kind of got to find it. He was right that time because it's like, it's, it's still going up by hundreds of thousands a week, that cover on YouTube. I mean, it's still going. Yeah. That was a weird moment. Yeah.
It's our biggest song. Well, I think there's a lot of elements to it. I mean, the, the, you know, there's this scrappy little kind of ad-lay looking guys drinking or not drinking, but you may, you may as well have had a long neck in your hand, you know, and then you were singing sure. And Tommy's chewing gum.
Yeah, totally. Yeah. The visual and his voice like sounds amazing and like the visuals kind of, I think it's disturbing for some people is his cursor, but the gum's a thing. Yeah. So he, he performs that way. Yeah. I spoke about this in the interview the other day. Actually. It's um, I'm to Tommy's left when we're playing on stage and, and just in front of the drum kit, he's got the, um, he's got two cups and one's like full of gum and there's another one that's full of all the, all the chewed pieces that he's gone through. Yeah. It's like halfway through, like having this amazing moment, like playing these beautiful songs. I just turn around and kind of see this cup of chewed gum, but it keeps these, um, it keeps your, um, vocals lubricated. Yeah. Right.
Personally, I'm, I'm, I'm hanging out for a killing Heidi cover by the DMA's. Wouldn't that be good? That would be cool. Shout out to Ella. Yeah. Shout out to Kingsmill. Get it, get it going, man.
Has, you know, moments like that pivoted, you know, your sound, I guess, you know, trying something different. How, how does this album compare to the last ones? I know that's a very cliche question, but have you gone down a different Avenue with this as opposed to where you were at last time around?
Yeah. The, the cover thing with the Believe cover, that's just like a, that's just the freak of the internet kind of thing. You know, like you, you don't think about too much.
I was playing the wrong bloody chords two hours before, you know, because we ran through it once. And then you play it once and then, and then all of a sudden it's on the internet and it's out of your control.
It's splendid. Yeah, exactly. You know, but, um, in terms of like this record, then I guess we've always loved production. It's been a big thing for us.
And also we've, we've DMAs are associated as a kind of throwback nineties kind of Brit pop kind of thing, which is cool because I think, I feel like 2014 when we came, you know, the people say music is timing in more ways than one. And then what wasn't really a band, many bands in Australia kind of doing that thing at the time. So I guess we kind of got lucky in that regard, but at the same time, you know, as creatives, you got to keep moving, you know, to keep trying something different.
And it's, I always bring this up. I think it was on the Paul Kelly documentary. He talks about growing up in the public eye and, and it really like resonated with me when he said that he's like, totally, it's, it's fucking daunting, you know?
And it's like, you're releasing these albums, you're, and you're, you're learning, you're just, you're kind of winging it and just trying to get better at songwriting and production. And, you know, you buy your first synthesizer after just being guitar driven for so long and you know, and just trying to get your head around it. And then you release an album and it's just like, and then it's just there to be judged, which is cool.
This is a great part of it, but it's, it's scary.
And you guys were pretty young when you started to, I guess Mason said that last time it's like, like, he's always been big for just music, just, just we're musicians. Like we're not, you know, and obviously he loves his plants, his indoor plants, ice cream plants, he loves his bunnies, rabbit eyes too. But the, the idea, he said like, you know, there's no cause at that age, you know, you're not going to become, you know, you look at someone like Missy Higgins or, you know, the guys from Friends of Rom who were able, you know, later in their career to have a cause or have a charity or, you know, and you kind of, you don't want to just say anything outside of music when you are growing up in the public eye, I guess it's just, you guys can follow my musical journey and find out what kind of bloke I am later. Well, yeah.
I don't know.
I guess like with that kind of thing as well, as you get older, you start working and you have life experiences, especially, I guess, just in my own, just from traveling and the people you meet and like that, you're still learning what kind of person you are and, and I don't think you ever stop learning. Have you, have you made many friends in the industry or you kind of keep, keep circles outside?
I'm pretty like, I don't mind the chat. I don't mind, I don't mind, I like going to festivals and meeting people.
Like, I've met those, the guys from, there's an English band called The Coral. They're really lovely. We had this band, Inhaler, support us, this Irish band, who are really nice lads. Obviously, Liam Gallagher's had us on tour and came down to our show at the Brixton Academy and I think those situations, they're always cool when they're like, when they're not forced, you know?
And obviously, like, actually, you talk about the whole Australian industry and everyone's actually really lovely because if you're a fuckwit, you get found out really quickly, basically. I suppose it's a very small industry in this country, isn't it? Exactly, you know, and I started doing songwriting sessions recently and that's been really cool because I've just been, been able to meet heaps of others, you know, that are kind of big, but you haven't necessarily listened to heaps of their stuff or really known them as a person, you know, and, and yeah, that's been, I've really been loving that actually recently.
Tell us a little bit about that, that pivot into producing. You worked a bit on Hayley Mary's album. Can you see yourself kind of, you know, transitioning into that Dr. Dre kind of, you know, standing behind the panel? Have your own headphone line.
I'm just nodding. Yeah, Tunes by Took. That's good. I like that. Well, yeah, that's, that's what I want to do.
And that's kind of why I got into the electronic music thing. And I guess that kind of steered this direction of DMAs is because, you know, I grew up on kind of like folky country stuff, but like, but then obviously on the line with like, you know, Dylan Neil Young and like Joni Mitchell and stuff like that. And then obviously, and then in my high school years, got more into the Brit pop scene and, you know, Primal Screen, Oasis, Stone Roses, the Jesus and Mary chain. And then I went through this like weird, huge bluegrass thing where I became obsessed with bluegrass music. I've learned the Dobro and the Bill Mumbro and all Scruggs and stuff like that. And then, basically I kept changing and I realized I had no idea kind of how they were creating these because there's no rules with electronic music.
You can literally do anything.
And a lot of it's to do with sampling, just whack sounds that you're creating, which I didn't know at the time. I'm like, how do you do this? Like, how do you make something sound like that? And that's kind of where I started on that journey because, um, to be a producer, you know, I know if I wanted to do a rock album or a jangly kind of noisy record, I could, or, um, or even a country album, you know, but I wanted to learn that side of things.
So yeah, in the future, I can incorporate, you know, like a lot of people do talk about the Britpop thing with the DMA's. Obviously it's influenced and well received by those audiences and those crowds and those bands over there.
But that's like the unsung kind of secret is that two of you are the sons of Poms, right? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So you're 10 pound Poms.
Tommy and I have British passports. So when we land, we get straight through it.
And Mason's off the phone. Mason and Lee's about drama.
With the tattoos getting wild. And we're waiting for him for a few hours. He gets put in the naughty corner.
I guess one of the benefits of Brexit for us is that we can use their line now. I think, you know, I think that, that we couldn't use the British line. No, not traditionally. Or the EU line, but yeah. And yeah, but like a couple, a couple of years ago, we were at the back of the, uh, at the back of the scrap line.
Now they're waving Canadians and Australians through in London.
But yeah, so do you think, do you think there's a bit of that? I mean, Tommy's old man's a scouser, isn't he? Yeah, I think he's played like, um, he played, even played for Everton.
Yeah. Right. Back in the day. Okay. Yeah. Real Brit. Yeah, super. My, my old man came over when he was 11. Yeah. Right. I think he was on the last, last plane trip or not last plane trip. Sorry. Last plane trip with a propeller plane. Yeah. Right.
And they had to stop like six times. Stopping Mauritius.
And then he, and he moved to, he went to Elizabeth in South Australia.
Yeah. Which is, well, that was the same path, Barnsey and that lot went to, he went to school with Barnsey and stuff. Right, right, right. And your old man was, he ended up working in the industry too, right? He did. Yeah. He was a, um, he was a roadie, a lighting engineer and he did like coal chisel and INXS and Neil Young and yeah. That was a good time for a lot of, for those, for those Adelaide kids. Wasn't it? Like they really put the place on the map before the hilltops, of course. Yeah. That, that chisel kind of thing. There was a heap of stuff coming out of there. Huge. Yeah. Well, yeah. Like at the time they were kind of like, you know, chisel were like the biggest band in the country. Well, like, you know, yeah.
And just selling out everywhere in, in Australia, just like insane.
Would you ever go solo or is it more producer? Well, my voice kind of stinks.
Yeah. Right. It's all right.
Like, um, I've done, I've actually done a track recently. Um, uh, it kind of works if I sing in like a punky way, almost screaming over, like, which I've been mucking around with over like more techno kind of dance music and just like, yeah, I want to go, it works in that, right.
But, um, but the thing, the thing is, is when I met Tommy, it's amazing as a songwriter and Mason and I talk about this all the time. It's, it's amazing for us as songwriters to give a song you've written and Tommy's an amazing songwriter in his own, right? Like some of the melodies he writes, it's incredible. You know, um, but to have one of your songs sung by him, it sounds better than your song you ever could have imagined your song sounding, which is, which is incredible.
That's part of being in a band, right? It's just, everyone's doing their job.
Yeah. And a lot of people find it hard to give that away. Yeah. Right.
No, it's a really personal thing for them. And that's an each to their own on that. But, um, but for me, it's like, I'm, I'm the opposite.
Um, you know, I can sing, but it's definitely not my thing. I learned how to sing when I was younger, just purely to communicate with other musicians on ideas, but it was never something I wanted to focus on. But like I said, and then you get told me to sing one of your songs and it's like, it can resonate with people on just a whole nother level, a lot of listeners, you know, um, people who aren't so involved with music or whatever, or just love it in a whole different way, but aren't, you know, musicians or something like that. Having a voice like that, communicating your song, if they heard me sing it, it would not have the same meaning.
All of a sudden, like, you know, you have a voice like that, sing it. And it's like, just can become the soundtrack of their life. Yeah. You find some of those songs penetrate like that.
You find some people that are like, well, now I'm obsessed with the DMA for the rest of my life. Do you, do you find those kinds of people out on the road?
And they're not, not the stalkers, but the fans. Well, yeah, we, we, well, we, I guess that those early days of touring, um, and we went to just all these tiny towns in UK that we'd never heard of particularly, uh, has really built us up a really loyal fan base over there, but yeah, if they heard me singing in the air, they, it wouldn't be as beautiful. They were, they were, I didn't think they'd like it as much.
If this Corona lockdown keeps on going, would this be the longest time you've spent off the road since basically to 2014?
A hundred percent. Yeah. It feels kind of weird. Actually. I think we, to be honest, I think we needed to stop even though, like if Corona didn't happen. Your label wanted you to keep moving. Well, yeah.
Back to England boys. It's all good. Just wear masks, just wear masks. This time we're flying business class, so that's all good.
The thing is you kind of have, if you want to, if you want to keep moving as a band like that and you're driven in that way, you kind of have to keep backing it and also people's attention span, which social media is so short these days. I know mine is like, you know, you kind of got to keep reminding people that you're around and you're doing stuff and playing gigs and all that kind of thing, you know, and it's a part of it, but you know what? You hear lots of people talking about, you know, it's great that conversations like mental health and whatever, so much more common these days because that level of touring and being away from people, it's actually, it's insane.
Can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Especially when you've been given three cases of beer and four bowls of wine and two bowls of vodka every night. It's the only industry where you're expected to be drunk on the job and it's preferred by the venue that you are.
But these, but these, but these, but these days, once again, with the, with the conversation of it, there's so many more musicians who don't drink anymore and don't feel the need that they, you know, cause I guess like back in the day it was like, well, how am I going to get up on stage in front of 5,000 people without a couple of drinks under my belt, you know, but I guess it, once again, even just talking about it has kind of killed that stigma a little bit on that, you know? And also back in the day, the big thing, you know, the money for nothing kind of attitude, the dire straits attitude, a lot of that was focused around the fact that these young blokes were making more money than they ever could have. But nowadays, yeah, like coal miners make more money than musicians all the time and they party harder.
That's for sure. Footballers, you know, they're the ones who, they are, yeah. So you guys have just, you guys have got a job and that's kind of how it's more being viewed nowadays as opposed to a lifestyle. Yeah, exactly.
But I tell you what, after playing an electrifying gig, it's pretty hard not to want to party or decompress in some kind of way. Or after a shit gig to drown the sorrows a little, yeah. I haven't, yeah, I'm lucky because even when I forget chords, my hand just goes into the, goes to the next chord anyway.
I'm like, just muffle memory. Oh, right. I'm like, oh, like sometimes I've had the mind block, but like, and then my hand just goes, oh, that was sweet. Thinking about old Simpsons episodes up there, just playing it naturally. Yeah, well, that's why that's, yeah, we've got a joke there. Like our, our drummer Weezbo's just like listening to like podcasts and shit during the gig that those Indians, they're not even like, they're not even plugged into like the fallbacks. Yeah.
What, what do you think was the most electrifying gig so far?
I'm sure there's been plenty. Uh, yeah, there's been a bunch.
Um, like Splendor two years ago, we had our like first kind of sunset slot and, um, we played that Believe cover, which we've only played two or three times. That was kind of like, you know, 30,000 people in that amphitheater. Splendor's actually was meant to be this weekend. And, um, and yeah, and that, that, that was insane. And then also, I guess that last one at the Brixton Academy. Yeah. Cause that venue, it's a bit of a bucket list thing.
It's like 5,000 people, London. It's kind of like the Enmore, but all on top of each other, but 5,000.
Yeah. You get, um, you get vertigo and stuff when you're in there. Oh really? Yeah. It's crazy. Oh wow. Yeah.
Sunset is an interesting one. I remember hearing CM Murphy, um, who was the manager of NXS talking about it. And he reckons that's what put them on the map was that that sunset at Wembley, cause it's the energy changes. People are officially, you know, it's been a lazy day at a festival sitting on the grass has been a Wolfmother and then all of a sudden it's like, Oh, now there's a rock band on stage.
Yeah. And also one thing I learned from that, it's like when the sun goes down, you can have a light show, which pushes everything to the next level. Especially when people are getting a bit blurry and the lights start flashing. Confetti, holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and that's another reason why we wanted to move more into like, I guess like the dance here and have a few tunes. Like, um, yeah, so basically, so our set, we could become more three-dimensional. Yeah. We, you know, we've got the rock and roll tunes. We've got some, you know, acoustic driven sing-alongs or whatever, but having a few dance tunes in the set is like, and we got to play them, you know, we played life as a game of changing and stuff, and there's a new song, Cobra cane off the globe, which I can't wait to do live. And it's a bit like this darker kind of radio kind of vibe. And to play that, you know, just make the out show go for like three or four minutes or something like that. And like with the lights flashing, it's like, yeah, it's definitely a big part of it. Have you thought a little bit more about the sound you're making now?
Do you feel like that is for the same audience or do you reckon this is going to kind of translate into other kind of like, um, have they seen this kind of stuff before in America, for example, is, and has your stuff translated in America? I reckon there's a few tunes, like we're already seeing like stuff popping up on Twitter and more love from like America and North America. Well, I'm sorry, North America in general, like Canada and stuff, which is cool. Cause we haven't been back there since our first EP, like incorporating these other elements to the band and to the music is, I don't think we're going to lose our old school DMA fans, but we can definitely make it more accessible to other people who maybe wouldn't have just jumped on onto the band at first cast a wider net. Yeah, exactly.
And it's funny because, you know, you can have songs like, you know, off these new, off the new record that people discover it and realize they like it. And then it's, I know I've done it with bands heaps of times. You just hear one song and that's enough for you to go back. And you know, I think our first album just went back into the top 100 of the iTunes charts or something like this because of this record coming out and people totally, and everyone goes back. I remember doing that with the, the Warren drugs when they first heard them and just going all the way back.
Or just like anyone who discovers Bruce. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And he kind of loses me in the eighties for a bit, comes back in the nineties with the vengeance. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I was bruised and battered. I didn't care.
Maybe we should do a little, we'll do a little thing a bit later. We'll get the guitar out.
And as long as it's Bruce, Nebraska, Nebraska, good album. No, the wrestler, the wrestler was his most recent one in the soundtrack for that Mickey Rourke film.
Yeah, that's good stuff. It was good.
There's a question we often ask people. Do you, do you ever have any surprise fan bases?
Because the fun, obviously the funniest one is the way Chile has responded to sticky fingers and how they just can't leave them. Come to Chile, come to Chile, come. And then eventually they're like, come back to Chile. They did it for the fuck of it. I'm not getting many gigs here. We'll go to Chile.
Right. And that's their audience. Silver chair had a similar thing in Argentina. Like, have you found any surprise audiences? Oh yeah. Let me think.
I think like, I guess, uh, Holland has been one. The Dutch have a pretty quirky like taste.
Yeah. You got us. Yeah.
Oh, actually one time I'm actually at one of those Dutch, um, Dutch interviews. We were like, uh, we, you know, we love a corny kind of, you know, nineties, early two thousands cover. Um, and we did a cover of, uh, atomic kittens. Um, uh, no, what was the other one? Um, looking back on my first man.
Yeah, yeah. That'd be a good one by you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's somewhere on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made me whole again. Yeah.
And, um, actually I'd like to do that cover again, actually. So that's probably one of my favorite anyway. So we're playing it and they've got these screens there and, um, and basically, yeah, they're like, we're getting feedback, like people are tweeting and they've got these big screen there and they're like, people like, what the hell is this, you know, like this corny pop song, like, you know, like, like Jesus and the like heartbreaking stuff. And then like, I've still got the first two and then the chorus to go. That could, that could, you guys could just keep baiting them. Up next, we've got a bit of an aqua. Well, we've done that as well.
If only I could turn it back. Barbie girl. Fuck it. Give me Barbie girl. Anyway.
Um, so, so you, uh, yeah, you, you're ready to put in probably some, some bigger hours than most musicians in the country. Now you've got the backing. You, I mean, you've done a bit of a media run. You're on the footy show or not the footy show, the Matty John show all over the show, the real footy show, real footy show. And that's a, it seems like the labels gassing this one up. They reckon you felt the full warm hug of, of, uh, of the, you know, your, um, your corporate, uh, you know, employers.
Well, I guess that's what you gotta do when you spend that much money on the shit, hot producer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, but yeah, but also like must back the product. I think the thing is as well is, you know, we've been a band for a while and it's like, you know, it takes a while to build up, you know, that audience and all that stuff and, and I guess this sound as well now is it's definitely the most accessible sound. So they've, they thought, you know, why not? Let's go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You, you must've, um, been lucky as well throughout this whole journey, having a dad that's been a roadie, you know, and, and done all that kind of stuff and can call people, other bands that he's kind of toured with has that kind of helped because we interviewed those five seconds of summit kids and I've got to tell you, no one has signed a worse fucking deal than that.
They were the definition of the most burnt out looking human beings.
And they're only like 23 and, and we don't know how much money they're making. I don't think they know how much money they're making because I guess we're more of a product, you know what I mean?
There was one guy from that band who was like, man, as long as I get out of this and I've got enough to buy my mama home, you know, I'll be happy.
And it's like, what the, what fucking deal are you on? How many fucking records have you sold? How many shows have you done?
Well, they just sold out Wembley the week before he said that. And he's like, I just want to buy my mama home. I was like, on paper, it looks like you should have bought her by 10 by now.
And yeah, it just, it didn't, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't work out that way for them. And maybe, maybe they're about to change. Maybe they're an opportunity.
It was a four album deal they were saying. But yeah, that must've helped too, having a dad that was wise to the tricks in the industry. Well, yeah, yeah. It was, he was great for like just kind of, he had a huge CD collection, got me into guitar and all that kind of stuff, but he never like, he was never, you know, calling people out, trying to, you know, he, it was important for him that we had to work hard and find our own way, you know what I mean? And, um, which is cool now because people, um, other musicians call him up now going, Hey, Oh, I see Johnny's doing well and all that kind of stuff, which is, which is probably nice. He wasn't telling you to tell Gudinski you gotta get fucked. Yeah.
Well I'm pretty sure him and Gudinski had a fight back in the seventies, but now we're on the same team. Now we're all best mates. It's in their best interest that they get along with Gudinski. He fought every, he fought every one in the seventies. Gudinski and the, yeah, I mean the same old people are still involved though. Aren't they? So, and we love Gudinski, man, he's been there, he's backed us since the start and, and it's, um, and it's cool now that, you know, there's more momentum happening, you know?
Yeah, for sure. Well, man, it's a beer in the morning in the car, in the boat. Yeah. Thanks for joining us.
Uh, Johnny, it looks like it looks like an exciting year, busy year for you. And, uh, hopefully more bands can get out on the road soon. So your shows start in Sydney on the 30th. That's right. And then we're going to be up here in Brisbane for four shows. We're going to play the Tivoli, which is bigger than the factory.
I think we can get 230, um, people in there, which is cool. And I love that venue. It's a beautiful venue. I went and saw the footy show there back when chief was there. Yeah. Right in the RNA showgrounds. It's a good venue.
Does that bring back the Biffy? Oh yeah. Yeah. Ridge, all that Mario Falcon. Yeah.
Speaking of the Falcon, it's great to have another Maltese Falcon on the podcast.
Actually, you're talking about, um, passports before and like Brexit happening. I was like, well, there goes my European, you know, uh, leeway, but I think I found that I can get my Maltese passport now because my brother's getting it. And then once, once one sibling gets it, I think it's a bit easier for everyone.
Guess what you don't have to do in Malta. If you don't want to pay tax.
Good to know I can make some money on music. Well, I hope, hopefully, um, yeah, the tool works out well for you. And, um, I'm sure, I'm sure everyone's going to be turning out either way because everyone's dying to see a gig.
Awesome guys. Thanks for having me. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Unusual_Vampire_Variations | Today we're talking about some unusual vampire variations. These are films that take the classic vampire myth and put a little spin on them. So guys, what are some of the basic criteria to be a vampire? Take fangs. Drinks human blood. You can't go out during the daytime. Okay, and what do you have if you take away all those things? Shitty vampire. Right, or the Twilight vampires. They don't have fangs, they just have super strong teeth because you won't want anything messing up that pretty, pretty smile that Robert Pattinson has.
They can go in the sun, they just choose not to because when they do, it makes them glitter. This is what I am. So they're not threatening at all? No, no, not at all.
They're beautiful and enchanting. Beautiful. This is the skin of the killer. Like a unicorn. Yes.
Some vampires in the Twilight universe drink blood, but they're the bad vampires. Whereas the good vampires, they abstain from human blood. They only drink animal blood. They call themselves vegetarians. It's like a human only living on tofu. The creator, Stephanie Meyer, is Mormon and that is obviously important to her to convey the message that sex before marriage is bad in the same way that drinking human blood is bad.
Stop. Someone described the relationship between Edward and Bella, and I wish it was me, as kind of if you were dating an Apple Danish. You know, and you really wanted to eat it, but you couldn't. I like my own personal brand of heroin.
This whole vampire variation trend spans genre and culture. So Keith, you're going to give us a slightly different take. Yeah, I'm going to talk about a vampire made famous by Hong Kong films, and that's the hopping vampire. The one that really kind of popularized everything was a 1985 film called Mr. Vampire. Hopping vampires have their own sets of rules.
You can stop them by putting a written spell on their forehead, which is maybe tricky to do. If as long as you hold your breath, they can't sense you, but obviously at some point you're going to have to start breathing again. They can be killed with wooden swords.
As for why they hop, no one really knows for sure. One theory is that it comes from the way corpses would be transported in China several centuries ago, upright, and thus kind of give them a hopping motion as they went along.
It's a nice mix of kung fu and comedy and some scares and special effects. I mean, it's definitely something for everyone in Mr. Vampire. Kyle, you want to talk about a different genre that you might not expect to find vampires in? Yeah, at the peak of the blaxploitation boom in 1972, the world was introduced to Dracula's soul brother, Blacula. You shall be Blacula, Blacula. It was only a matter of time that as the genre grew, it would move away from just the strict tales of dealers and private eyes and into stranger territory and supernatural territory.
Turns out Blacula started as an African prince named Mama Walde who traveled to Transylvania in hopes of convincing Count Dracula to endorse ending slavery. To totally cease a slave trade. Not only does Count Dracula scoff at that idea, but he openly lusts after Mama Walde's hot Nubian wife. Blacula's curse is set in motion 200 years later when a couple of regressive gay stereotypes buy Count Dracula's castle and all its contents and ship it to Los Angeles.
He fits the mold of Dracula in that he's a refined aristocrat. He just happens to be black. William Marshall, who played Blacula, was a pretty classically trained actor. He'd done a lot of Shakespeare. And then 14 years later, he introduced himself to a whole new generation as the king of cartoons on Pee Wee's Playhouse. There are really a lot of differences between traditional Dracula and Blacula, except that, as the DVD cover promises, his bite was out of sight.
I promise you it will not be unpleasant. So what have we learned? You know what?
There is a black vampire in Twilight, so Blacula did open some doors for vampire kind. He's like the Rosa Parks of black vampires. You know, he is a strange dude. For more vampire variations, go to avclub.com. It spans genre and culture, so Keith, you're going to give us a slightly different take. Yeah, I'm going to talk about a vampire made famous by Hong Kong films, and that's the hopping vampire. The one that really kind of popularized everything was a 1985 film called Mr. Vampire. Hopping vampires have their own sets of rules.
You can stop them by putting a written spell on their forehead, which is maybe tricky to do. As long as you hold your breath, they can't sense you, but obviously at some point you're going to have to start breathing again. They can be killed with wooden swords.
As for why they hop, no one really knows for sure. One theory is that it comes from the way corpses would be transported in China several centuries ago, upright, and thus kind of give them a hopping motion as they went along.
It's a nice mix of kung fu and comedy, and some scares and special effects. I mean, it was definitely something for everyone in Mr. Vampire. Kyle, you want to talk about a different genre that you might not expect to find vampires in?
Yeah, at the peak of the blaxploitation boom in 1972, the world was introduced to Dracula's soul brother, Blacula. You shall be Blacula. Blacula. It was only a matter of time that as the genre grew, it would move away from just the strict tales of dealers and private eyes and into stranger territory and supernatural territory.
Turns out, Blacula started as an African prince named Mama Walde, who traveled to Transylvania in hopes of convincing Count Dracula to endorse ending slavery. To totally cease the slavery. Not only does Count Dracula scoff at that idea, but he openly lusts after Mama Walde's hot Nubian wife. Blacula's curse is set in motion 200 years later when a couple of regressive gay stereotypes buy Count Dracula's castle and all its contents and ship it to Los Angeles.
Fantastic. He fits the mold of Dracula in that he's a refined aristocrat. He just happens to be black. William Marshall, who played Blacula, was a pretty classically trained actor. He'd done a lot of Shakespeare. And then 14 years later, he introduced himself to a whole new generation as the king of cartoons on Pee Wee's Playhouse.
Hello? Goodbye?
There are really a lot of differences between traditional Dracula and Blacula, except that, as the DVD cover promises, his bite was out of sight. I promise you it will not be unpleasant.
So what have we learned? You know what? |
cracked | celebs_who_turned_down_the_opportunity_to_host_snl | 2007 was a big year for Michael Cera. Rolls and Superbad and Juno launched his career into supernova status.
That's when he got the offer to host SNL, but he said, there was a point where I wanted to stop taking jobs that would make me more famous. I was kinda having a bit of a crisis. I was really not enjoying the level of heat. And fearless Captain America was straight up scared to host. Chris Evans said, I've avoided hosting SNL like the plague for years now just because I'm so scared. It's terrifying to me. Maybe I only feel that because I have very, very funny friends who once told me I'm not a funny person. And finally, sometimes you just party too hard to show up.
Nick Nolte, Eddie Murphy's 48 hours co-star, said yes to hosting, then no the week of the show after he partied himself into oblivion. He supposedly went to rehab, says writer Elliot Wald, but he was seen preparing for rehab at Studio 54. In a move not seen before or since, cast member Murphy stepped in to host the show. He said, I know you people tune in to see one of the stars. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_6 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, is Jerome Bettis Jerome. In my two months of broadcast experience, I have never experienced anything like what we just saw. If you're just tuning in, moments ago, Margaret Valentine went batshit crazy on the roof, and three-time defending champion Jimmy Gunderson was disqualified for cheating. Claude, it's almost enough to make you give a crap. I agree.
We're in the final stretch here, so let's go down to the field with the thrilling last moments of the race. Oh, goodness, it's over. Well, that is embarrassing. Entirely our fault. It seems that we cut to commercial during what would be, by any standard, the most exciting part of the race, really just a boneheaded move. We apologize. It looks like they haven't actually declared a winner yet. It's going to be a photo finish.
Will it be Olivia Newton-Fon, a gangly straight-A student from Des Moines, or Chris Hooks, whose family includes a dead mother and two polio-ridden sisters? It's hard, folks. Not to root for. It's Olivia! Wow! And that really is an unfortunate dagger to the sad heart of a truly sad family.
Here we go with Olivia being given the golden shell of triumph. Chris may be the runner-up, but you know, Jerome, he will be going home with the turtle he loves, the turtle that gives his life meaning, and that makes him feel special when nothing and nobody else will. And now, for the ceremonial donation of the second-place turtle to the local zoo. Now, that's an odd tradition, Jerome, and I've never fully understood that. However, we do have a Most Valuable Player Award, and that is going to go to Pip Jimmy.
Wow, that's interesting. Since he was clearly disqualified in the previous round... Look at my boy! Look at this kid! He did that! Who else has a medal?
Not you! And not you!
Well, now we are lucky, as we have today's winner and Turtle Race national champion here in the booth, Olivia. Let me be the first to say congratulations. Thank you.
So what's the name of your winning turtle? The winning turtle's name's Easter. There was an Easter sale at the pet store when I first got the turtle, and I decided to name her Easter.
Gotcha. Yeah. Oh my, look at this. It looks like Chris is being bullied with the classic typewriter move. Can we see that on cloud cam? Still a waste of 15 grand. Well, it looks like the school principal is coming over now to break things up. And I have to say, it's about time because... Oh, and now the principal is joining in on the action. Look at that, Olivia. What a series of vicious purple nurples. This is so long. Yeah, you'd really hate to see that. I agree.
But no one ever said turtle racing was painless. Everyone would say that. Well, that's all the time we have. Someone's got to help that kid. And that does it for the 2010 Turtle Racing Finals.
Thanks for watching, America. Good night and good luck. Good luck.
Really? |
TheOnion | Device_Prevents_Nick_Nolte_From_Driving | American roads are about to get a lot safer.
A new federal ruling mandates that all new vehicles must be equipped with an in-car safety device that detects whether the driver is actor Nick Nolte. Starting in 2009, every new vehicle must contain a certified anti-Nolte steering wheel.
If you start in Jefferson in Paris or another 48 hours, you should not be behind the wheel.
No longer will driving the kids to and from school be fraught with peril. Americans have the right to Nolte free roadways, and we're pleased to say this device delivers on that promise. Officials say this new device is the latest in a line of features meant to keep dangerous drivers off the road, including the Andy Dickalyzer and the Tom Sizemore lock. |
Fitzthistlewits | farming_simulator_2013_review | I think everyone, at some point in their lives, has dreamed of becoming a farmer. Ah, the blue skies and the golden fields, the smell of horse manure and incest on the wind. Unfortunately, thanks to the damn industrial revolution, farming is no longer a viable career choice for illiterate serfs like you and me. Fucking Spinning Jenny, you ruined everything!
Farming Simulator 2011 solves this problem by putting you at the helm of your very own farm right at the heart of Hagenstadet. Like all Germans, the denizens of Hagenstadet are silent, emotionless, and made entirely of light, having no corporeal form. It's attention to detail like this that has made Giant Software the undisputed kings of the highly competitive agriculture simulation genre.
There are many tractors in the game. My favorite one is this one.
The only bad bit of the game is this weird, loud, red duck trapped in a cage that you can't get rid of. The cage doesn't have a roof, and only has a knee-high gate. Just fly away already! It's winter! My great!
Farming Simulator 2009 is the greatest game I have ever played. Bar none. It is an udder triumph. It's the best game in its field. Oh, they already did that one. Fucking Germans. |
dropout | ronda_rousey_vs_everything | What an amazing display! Ronda Rousey has just defeated Bitch Kalea in only 34 seconds! Is there anything this woman isn't capable of? Hold the phone, Mike. It looks like she's not done yet!
Oh my goodness, folks. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Ronda Rousey, Fresh Off Her Wind, is celebrating by watching all three Lord of the Rings movies back to back! Yeah, they're the extended versions! This is simply unprecedented! Those films have a total runtime of over 682 minutes, Joe. Grab a cold one, folks. We're in for a long haul. Oh, wow! And just like that, she's done it. She watched all three movies in just under 28 seconds. Unbelievable! But wait, what's this?
Now Ronda Rousey appears to be applying for an international passport. Even with expedited shipping, that process could take 8 to 11 business days. She's in real trouble now. She's got the UPS guy in a full clinch and she nails the underhand bribe. Her hand speed is just incredible. And it looks like... Oh my God!
She got it! She didn't think it was possible, but she keeps getting better. She's not done yet. While we were talking, she just completed her residency for medical school. Folks, you are watching history in the making. And she's graduated! Not only that, but she somehow found the time to get married, write an international best-selling young adult novel franchise, and raise two beautiful children all in under 8 glorious seconds, Joe!
This is truly the pinnacle of mankind's existence. Nothing can ever top this moment.
Sorry, Joe. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like you spoke too soon. What? No. No, you can't mean.
She didn't. She couldn't. Oh, but she did.
Ronda Rousey has done the impossible. She has made a 12-minute hard-boiled egg in just under 11 minutes and 45 seconds! God is dead! God is fucking dead and Ronda Rousey killed him! Whoa.
Let me down. |
TheOnion | Biden_Announces_Nation_Can_Stay_Up_Till_9_30_Tonight | President Joe Biden has announced that the nation can stay up until 9.30 tonight. Yay! According to the White House, if all 330 million Americans get into their pajamas right now, they can stay up over an hour after their bedtime. So long as the nation behaves, Americans will also get to eat one Oreo cookie and maybe even play on our iPads. This rules! The only rule is that the nation can't get too hyper and has to promise President Biden that they will not wet the bed again.
The FDA has advised that tying your penis into a knot only prevents 73 percent of pregnancies. The Food and Drug Administration has made an announcement advising that the popular maneuver of tying one's penis into a knot during intercourse is not a reliable form of birth control. According to the FDA, data reveals that although yanking one's penis into a tight knot is more pleasurable for both partners, it can often result in unwanted pregnancy. While some knots are typically more effective than others, the FDA says that whether you are using a sailor's knot, square knot, or even a clove hitch, this can cause the penis to spring a leak or even burst. So if you're going to have intercourse, be sure to use a condom, blow it up, and tie it into a balloon animal first.
He inspires society's neglected men that they might one day benefit from apartheid money. He doesn't give a shit about dumb things society says are important, like workers' rights or your children. He's an inspiration to all of us who were born with an utter lack of charisma.
It's contractually required by my employment agreement. Thanks to Elon, I became a millionaire with Dogecoin and achieved my dream of owning the largest collection of Hitler deep fake porn. Mom says he is my dad. |
dropout | boston_charms_cereal | Wow, a rainbow! Marshmallow! Oh, what the hell are you kids doing? You see some cereal on the porch and she's gonna eat it? Screw. Nick! Back inside! Jesus Christ. All right, here we go.
I'm Mickey the Mass Haul, and these are my Boston Chomps. Boston Chomps is full of sick, nasty marshmallows and some oat shit. Shout of socks and warburgs, a hand flip in the bird, pints of Samuel Adams, and cheetah sucking A-Rod's dick. Hey, stop looking at his dick, you queer. Uh, the milk is turning brown. Yeah, that's good. Boston Chomps turns milk to Jameson, stupid. It burns. Boston Chomps is part of a Wicked Balance Breakfast and it's mother approved.
You fucked me one time, one time in the fairway bathroom and you think you want me? You think you want me, you fucking Irish skank? I'm outta here. That's me, Boston Chomps. They're wickedly delicious.
Mickey, sing the song! I just sang the song, ma! |
TheOnion | Ho_Ho_Ho_A_Cabal_Of_Elite_Pedophiles_Is_Trying_To_Kill_Me | Ho ho ho ho ho! Season's greetings from your old friend Santa!
Christmas is only a few short days away and Santa Claus is hard at work getting ready to deliver presents to all his favorite children around the world. And while plenty of you have made Santa's nice list this year, Old Saint Nick has unfortunately heard that there are also some very, very naughty boys and girls out there wielding their incredible wealth and power to have me killed. You see, little ones, Santa sees everything and I've seen their decades-long secret involvement in a worldwide child trafficking ring. Santa's elves have been keeping tabs on the drugs and the suspicious overseas wire transfers and now the cabal of elite pedophiles want Santa dead.
Can you believe that, little ones? Ho ho yes!
Santa's made a list of all the former presidents, prime ministers, and media moguls who are kidnapping and selling precious children just like you into sex slavery. He's checked it twice and now the elites have decided that the only way to silence Santa is to put a bullet through jolly old Saint Nick's brain. That's why Santa started carrying a Glock 43.
Oh, Mr. Santa Claus, why don't you just go to the police? The police, you say?
Oh, my darling boys and girls, God bless your sweet, innocent hearts.
Why, this insidious operation goes all the way to the top of every major government organization and corporation in the world. These sick, tremendously powerful and hideously wealthy perverts have paid off everyone from law enforcement to nonprofits to the highest court in the land.
There's no one Santa can trust. So how does old Chris Kringle proceed from here, you ask? With a target on the back of his plush red suit and a $10 million bounty on his rosy-cheeked head?
Well, on Christmas Eve, just like every year, Santa will gather his reindeer, pack up his sleigh and fly off into the night sky to visit the homes of all the very good little boys and girls. And in the morning, millions of joyful, bright-eyed children in millions of households around the world will wake up to one very special Yuletide gift indeed.
A full list of all the names of the CEOs, celebrities and billionaires who have been conspiring to abduct and abuse children for years, just waiting to be unwrapped and revealed.
Unless I'm killed first, that is. Now don't be naive, sweet little ones. If Santa dies, they'll make it look like an accident. When their trained squad of goons finally snaps my neck, injects me with poison, or makes it look like I had won too many glasses of eggnog and crashed my sleigh into a ravine, the media will surely report it as a suicide, as sure as old Saint Nick's round belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
But you'll know better, boys and girls. Oh, yes you will.
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Santa knows Jeffrey Epstein may have been naughty, but he sure as shit didn't hang himself. Oh, oh, it looks like they've tracked me all the way to the North Pole. Well, dear little ones, if Santa doesn't make it out alive, always remember to have a very merry Christmas. And check the flight logs. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho |
TheOnion | Should_The_NFL_Do_More_To_Protect_Quarterbacks_From_Themselves | Put on your sweatpants, folks, because we're talking about the NFL's hottest topic. It's obvious the league has prioritized player safety in the last few years, but with franchise quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers ailing from a serious knee injury and Jimmy Garoppolo out for the season with a torn ACL, it bears asking if the league has done enough to keep signal callers safe, or should the NFL be doing more to protect quarterbacks from themselves? Granted, the league has made some inroads by penalizing pass rushers, but that alone won't move the needle. They need to start penalizing quarterbacks, or else they'll continue to recklessly put on pads, leave the safe confines of the locker room, and risk injury by taking the field. We need to take every necessary precaution, because these guys clearly don't know what's good for them. These modern quarterbacks openly running on grass and turf, planting their feet on uneven surfaces, they're just asking for a torn ligament. I mean, I'll be honest, I hardly recognize this new brand of football. The game isn't about trying to advance the ball before getting tackled by defenders.
It's about getting millions of viewers to tune into the broadcast and generating ad revenue. That's why QBs make the big bucks. It's so frustrating to watch the league fail to protect their biggest investment.
It's about time for Roger Goodell to crack down on quarterbacks before they hurt themselves any further. If one of these guys tries to scramble out of bounds, you've got to fine him, because you could easily crash into a bench or a Gatorade cooler. If the QB and the running back collide during a handoff, why not automatically eject both of them and figure out who's to blame later? Frankly, I don't think quarterbacks should even be handling snaps. That's a great way to jam a finger, if you ask me. Every snap under center should warrant a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. And, while we're at it, stop throwing the ball so damn hard, you're going to hurt your shoulder. If the NFL really wants to get serious about protecting these guys, then they should all be on the sidelines wearing headsets.
They can read the plays off a clipboard. Only for a little while, so they don't strain their eyes too much. Alright, coming up next is Baker Mayfield ready to be the only famous person in Cleveland.
Alright my sparkling little sweat beads, we saw another poor performance and tough loss from the Patriots this past Sunday. With the perennial contenders off to such a rough start, a lot of people around the league are wondering, did the gypsy Bill Belichick killed during training camp curse New England? We all know about Belichick's ill-fated encounter this summer, the late night drive through the rain where he ran over that old crone. Now suddenly you have phantom tackles, Pats players spastically convulsing on the turf, and Tom Brady throwing picks into double coverage like he's been possessed. It's a curse, I tell you. Look, if a gypsy curses you with her last dying breath while you try to bury her in a shallow roadside grave, it has to have a negative impact on your pass rush. It's hard to come back from that. Belichick clearly didn't take the heck seriously when it left the gypsy's lips or else he would have tried to shore up his wide receiver core and handed out pedants of gypsum and white sage to ward off the hag's demon servants. How else do you explain New England's complete lack of ground game and the specter that flashed across the field as blood poured from Gronk's eyes? And now Belichick's only chance might be to pass the gypsy's curse on to Josh Gordon and then trade him away. He also might be able to break the curse by hunting down a necromancer and bringing him a vial of virgin's tears, but that's a long shot. Until he figures out how to wipe the gypsy's blood from his hands, the Patriots are going to struggle. |
cracked | internet_troll_hall_of_fame_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and the verb to troll has come to mean just generally being a dick Which is a shame because it can be a beautiful art form calling Just any unattractive mean person a troll is like a parent calling their son a real Renaissance man for being able to finger paint and play t-ball. Yeah, they're just words But some words need to be reserved for actual geniuses. Well in this episode of the spit take I'm introducing you to the da Vinci of assholes No, not the thing that parent says their son has while gazing lovingly into his dirty diaper I'm talking about people who take the art of disruptive dickishness to ingenious heights to a wit a couple years ago CNN headline news decided to rebrand itself as hln the news network that gets serious about social media Soon after they tried to book John JOHN Hendren an Edward Snowden expert You can follow at John Hendren on Twitter instead They booked famous Twitter comedian John JOHN Hendren who you can follow at fart So joining me now John Hendren who supports Edward Snowden John Twitter, and they shut down Isis account Why do you think Snowden is any different according to? Pataki instead of farting into the phone so as to expertly symbolize the obviousness of their mistake at fart Patiently sat on his hands and waited to bomb the interview with gorgeous nonsense.
Do you think Snowden's actions were worth that risk? Well, you know to say that he couldn't harm somebody You know with what he did Like he could absolutely he could but I think to cast him out to to make him invalid in society Simply because he has scissors for hands I mean, that's that's so strange because I mean people didn't get scared until he started Sculpting shrubs into dinosaur shapes and whatnot. All right, well now Snowden's living in Russia only to learn that HLN is too busy being awesome at Twitter to notice when the expert guest is clearly describing the plot of a Tim Burton movie We're treating him like an animal like somebody who should be quarantined and put away Just because he was created on top of a mountain by Vincent Price and incomplete with scissors for hands and no heart Edward Scissorhands is a complete hero to me But what about the choice that he made to live in a country like Russia? It's such a chilling moment of being journalistically checked out Hendron pushes his luck and starts just blatantly throwing out flags like a Babysitter who's just realized they're a little too good at hide-and-seek We we got scared when he poked a hole in a water bed with his scissor finger Like that was just unreasonable of us.
Well, John, I appreciate you giving us your opinion check under the bed Under the bed still I'm under the oh You found me you fucking idiot kid I was a terrible babysitter Just qualifying to play jeopardy on national TV takes dozens of years of dedication to learning Using your final jeopardy answer to get Alex Trebek to say the words turd Ferguson takes a 12 year old sense of humor now It shouldn't be possible for those two things to inhabit the same human body and yet final Let's see. What is the love valet of turd Ferguson PS? Hi mom. Nope So just doing the math that's decades of dedication to reading studying and generally knowing things for one 17 year old SNL reference that's the worst conversion rate this side of 1990s arcade prize counters But for nihilism in the face of reason it's kind of hard to be in an age when Amazon will drone toilet paper to your door Sometimes the best troll is simply the person willing to do the legwork The other guy won't my roommate is a does a lot of stuff. So he's busy. He's old.
He's all out and everything like that He walks his dog every once in a while, but I've taken it upon myself to start walking his dog every once in a while and I have my own keyword for when I'm taking meat while I'm on a walk in this case Literally moving your legs back and forth the way we have since infancy, but trust me the payoff is chicken pot pies Burglars Everybody in the house is being stabbed to death right now child porn Oh Child porn Does that mean we're going on a walk pretty fucked up actually bravo creepy roommate You're one engineering degree away from granting dildos the power of flight in the UK Indie filmmakers wanting to release a movie have to pay the British MPAA called the British Board of Film Classification 6,000 pounds to review it to make sure it's suitable for audiences or tippity-toppity Or whatever the fuck they say filmmaker Charlie line wanted to point out that this was bullshit and Crowdsourced the submission fee money to submit a video of actual paint dry because while filmmakers were obliged to pay the BBFC to certify their work The BBFC are also obliged to sit through whatever we pay them to watch in cinema conditions That's why I'm kick-starting a BBFC certificate for my new film paint drying a single unbroken shot of white paint drying on a brick wall the kickstarter managed to fund 10 hours of Paint drying that the censorship board was required to watch every second of like some sort of Guantanamo torture victims meanwhile on the side of the pond where movies are awesome One brave man was learning just how much you can get away with when you're a nice dressed white guy Holding a golden man, even if that golden man has Tom Cruise hair and a wreath for some reason He has hair But even if that was a real Oscar you'd assume the celebratory good nature of giving away free stuff to an a-lister stopped somewhere at the Exclusive nightclub mark when actually it rolls right over into a bedding Grand Theft Auto. I lost my ticket That's gonna be an issue This just got me a free car just got a free car. I just got a free car Up next drew toothpaste the creator of the webcomic married to the sea and an occasional player of online poker If you don't regularly play poker It's worth noting that the people who do tend to take themselves pretty seriously so seriously They'll dress like that if they think that it'll help them win also this amid this gauntlet of men who idolize other men They've never seen not wearing sunglasses indoors. Mr. Toothpaste occasionally likes to pretend he's playing poker while driving Mr. Toothpaste playing as handle.
I'm a dog.
I almost ran off the road. I'm driving right now Dealer deals board King Diamond King Spade three hearts bipolar bear. What the fuck driving? I wish I could call 911 on you. I'm a dog. Can anyone tell me who's winning on Interstate night dump. What the fuck are you really playing poker while driving exclamation point question mark question mark dealer deals board Jack hearts Queen hearts East Diamond. I'm a dog can't see small screen toots 49 you have no business driving and playing I'm a dog. I have airbag if I wreck it's safe toots 49 What about the other people you might hurt or kill? I'm a dog not much traffic out here. It's night night dump OMG that's the general idea. He tells them he's driving while beating them at poker and it makes them Irrationally mad which makes it unaccountably hilarious to me I don't know if it's the fact that he's perfected the voice and logic of the sort of person who'd actually play online poker while driving Or that the people he's playing speak exclusively and outraged cliches, but I never get tired of I'm a dog I'm driving and made typo meant to raise 135 Queen of all one lol I'm a dog can't look much because need to watch the road Queen of all one be careful Desperado 60, please do I'm a dog. No need to be careful. I have airbag Queen of all one others though Desperado 60 have kids out there driving don't run them over. I'm a dog kids these days have airbags, too. It's okay I'm only going 65 speed limit Queen of all one dog pull over Desperado 60 you are a dog I'm a dog.
Sorry for delay. I was passing someone on road Queen of all one OMG takes brass balls to turn a white supremacist march into a frat party at a clown college We stand in defense of white people all over the country But it takes balls of precious diamond to do that same thing but totally alone and armed only with years of sexless sousaphone lessons a Dude is humiliating an army of enraged racists while holding the hardest instrument to run away with Basically the mouse and Tom and Jerry whereas this is literally the mouse in Tom and Jerry Cheers little guy you bravely defied 66 million years of evolutionary conditioning to make another living things day just a little Hey guys, thanks for watching Like and subscribe or more likely troll me down in the comment section. I think I pretty much asked for that |
dropout | pandhandler_pranks_entire_subway_car | Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I'm not a crook, I'm not out here selling candy for no basketball team. I'm just an honest, hardworking man trying to make a living. I'm not here to beg, ladies and gentlemen, things are actually going pretty well for me right now.
I used to live in a two bedroom apartment in a great neighborhood until my family was forced to move because we wanted more space. We recently bought a house in the suburbs with a pool and a yard in which our dog can run around and play.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my daughter. She was recently accepted to an Ivy League school. The tuition is very, very expensive. My wife and I will unsure how we will ever be able to afford it until the university gave her a full scholarship. So we pretty hype about that. She'll probably be a doctor someday.
I used to have a great job at a financial institution, but now I have an even better job at that same financial institution. I got a promotion.
I made my vote. I'm not sure. My family not just came back from vacation.
We were at the Grand Canyon. If anyone has a chance to go to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. The views are truly breathtaking.
This cup in my hand is not for change. I have plenty of my own. This is simply because I finished my latte and I refused to litter.
Where everything going well, all I really need for y'all is some congratulations, a high five. Thank you, brother. Oh, that's a strong handshake. He really means it.
Thank you. I'm tired. Thank you.
High five. Thank you for your high five.
Thank you for your positivity. Here we go. Oh, that was strong. Thank you. One more big pop. Thank you very much. Wow. I feel really good. Y'all have a great day. |
cracked | the_unfortunate_truth_about_the_civil_war | Hey, I'm Zorabi Kangaga and as a former middle school history teacher I take special pleasure in clearing up widely believed historical misconceptions like how Napoleon wasn't really that short Or how Vikings didn't actually have horns on their helmets Or how George Washington was so obsessed with ice cream and he bought like this 300 piece serving set solely dedicated to it I mean, you wonder why your teeth are so bad, Georgie. You know, you wonder. Okay, that's just that's just a fun fact And much like 18th century ice cream history could be much more palatable when Dows with slave harvested Peaches and cream.
Am I right Thomas Jefferson? Yeah.
Yeah See ya in the recent debate over Confederate statues and monuments has certainly revealed a great deal of misconceptions about the Civil War itself So in order to even have an informed debate about the present, let's clear up a few misconceptions about the past The most common misconception about the Civil War is what caused it It wasn't just about states rights or simply because of the practice of slavery It was particularly caused by the spread of slavery into the new territories So in 1803 Napoleon was like, oh shit I need some more money because I'm gonna declare war on Europe and sold this huge swath of land America known as Louisiana Purchase Thomas Jefferson who was president at the time was like, dude We just got this land for like less than three cents an acre and literally doubled our size overnight So let's go explore this so we can create some more states and displace all these Native Americans hashtag manifest destiny And that is exactly what they did. However, this created a dilemma Were these new states gonna be slave states or were they gonna be free states? Southern slave owners were like yeah more plantations And abolitionists were like, can we not though and then Congress was like, okay, let's let's make a Missouri compromise Okay No slavery north of the 36 and a half parallel which called the problem for like a few decades and then like slave owners were Like but can we though and then John Brown was like no bleeding Kansas bitches And then a bunch of people died then in 1857 the Supreme Court ruled that this black dude named Dred Scott could be a slave in any state because technically black people weren't real citizens nor protected by the Constitution, which was Pretty fucked up. Yeah, and all of this created an impossible situation that a scrappy young candidate named Abraham Lincoln brilliantly articulated The house divided against itself cannot stand I believe this government cannot endure Permanently half slave and half free it will become all one thing or all the other and then boom Link, Illinois boy gets elected president in 1860 and even though he thought slavery was morally wrong Lincoln stated in his first inaugural address that he had no intention on abolishing slavery where it was already practiced But southern slave owners were still like yeah, but he won't let us practice it wherever we want And that is how the Civil War started so now that we fully understand how it started in the cause Let us dispel another myth which has to do with Confederate soldiers Confederate soldiers definitely fought for slavery. However, many of them were poor white men who didn't even own slaves Nevertheless having slaves was a obvious sign of southern prosperity and something to which poor whites aspire also Keeping slavery maintained a social order in which they were not at the bottom and the mere idea of being equal to blacks and having to Compete with them for jobs was a strong incentive for white southerners to fight and Confederate generals certainly exploited that And speaking of Confederate generals Let's also dispel another myth and this is one of the biggest ones of all and that is the legacy of General Robert E. Lee who historians have painted as a noble Virginian who opposed slavery yet fought valiantly for the just cause of states rights Which is simply inaccurate.
Yes. He was a highly competent war general who was very well respected by his men But he also owned a ton of slaves and the reason why he's been depicted as anti-slavery is mainly because of a misquoted letter He wrote yes He did say that slavery was a moral and political evil But he also went on to say blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa morally Socially and physically the painful discipline they are undergoing is necessary for the instruction as a race. Yeah.
Yeah, real better off, dude I totally wish my Ugandan ancestors weren't slaved here in America instead of chilling by one of the most beautiful lakes in the world eating delicious fruits and vegetables Hashtag blessed but Robert E. Lee's twisted logic justified his own cruel treatment of his slaves another fun fact General Lee's father-in-law was George Washington's adopted grandson George Washington Park Custis when Custis died Lee inherited all his slaves who claimed that Custis agreed to free them Upon his death however Lee refused when a few of them tried to escape and were captured Lee had them savagely whipped and then just To make an example of them poured brine on their wounds Okay But George Washington and Thomas Jefferson also had slaves and it really fucked up things and we still honor them with statues, right? Okay, here's the difference Confederate icons like Robert E. Lee Stonewall Jackson and Jefferson Davis chose a region over country and went to war against the United States an act that resulted in the deaths of over 620,000 Americans the loss of life on both sides was tragic But make no mistake the Confederacy committed treason and you don't build statues and name highways after traders You put that in a museum and you tell the truth hashtag take down those fucking statues indeed history is written by the victors Well, not exactly this last misconception has to do with a propaganda campaign that occurred after the Civil War that helped justify Jim Crow laws that disenfranchise blacks in the south a Myth that became popular throughout America during the 20th century and still creeps up in textbooks every now and then and this myth is known As the cult of the lost cause gone with the wind Disney's Song of the South those weird dixie crystal sugar packets all of these perpetuate an overly nostalgic view of the antebellum era without truly acknowledging the Injustices that propped up that leisurely lifestyle It also supported the institution of racial segregation that was pervasive not only in the south But everywhere in America for the next 88 years and believe it or not a huge proponent of the lost cause myth was a Northern born history professor at Columbia University named William Archibald Dunning What do you know a goddamn Yankee known as the Dunning school this professor influenced a whole generation of historians who viewed the Civil War as a war of northern aggression soft freed blacks as unfit to vote and integrate into white society and portrayed the Confederacy as martyrs For the cause of states rights as racial violence intensified during the late 1800s and early 20th century with the rise of the Ku Klux Klan So did the construction of Confederate statues and monuments led by lost causes even the Confederate battle flag re-emerged after World War two It was a symbol used by southern dixie crats who opposed the emerging civil rights movement and desegregation and it took until 2015 and a national tragedy for the South Carolina State Capitol to finally take down their rebel flag Good job guys even though the lost cause myth has been slowly weeded out of the historical narrative over the past 30 years one can still see its Remnants and obtusely written textbooks and naive Millennials who for some reason are still having Plantation themed weddings like why look I get it. It's southern heritage Okay, so if you really want to keep Confederate statues and monuments in public then let's be fair Okay, we should also include other traders like Benedict Arnold Julius Rosenberg and Peter Pettigrew boom got him Hashtag all things relate to Harry Potter Hey guys thanks for watching if you want to watch another video then hit one of the boxes to either side of me or if You want YouTube to notify you when we have another video hit that Bell notification at the bottom.
Thanks. Bye |
SaturdayNightLive | a_peek_at_pico_snl | Welcome to a Pica Pico Pico Rivera's number one public access talk show. I'm Vanessa, I'm Sophia and on this show we talk about everything happening and Pico Rivera from the good to the bad. So like, what'd you get into this weekend Chica?
I got a new eyeliner. I was gonna say I saw that it was good. Yeah laying and poke me in the eye.
That's ah Okay, we gotta go talk to cha. Yeah, just outside right now. you have any those time. Hi, yeah, this is Chad Mitchell reporting live from Pico Park. the birds are chirping, the sun is shining. Families have been coming to this park for generations Yes, but city officials wait. Okay, we're gonna bring out a guest.
She hangs out at the library with the books. you have any those Becca, Thanks for having me. Um, I want to clarify though that I'm a librarian. I don't just hang out with books. That's good. yeah, cuz when I heard that I was like, that's a yeah, So Becca, what's up with all these books? Well, these are some summer reading books we have at the library.
Well, this one is the giver. Damn. what's that about? it's a book about a society where no one can see colors. That's ah yes, it is, But but then one day they could. They could see purple though, right? no, they can't see purple. That's a love ball.
Oh do you guys have the car in the huh? that book is so funny. Well, yes, we we do have the cat in the hat. well, you know, we also have okay, now we gotta go back to Cha Cha-cha-cha right now. Yeah, actually you kind of cut me off earlier. See local news stories usually start with a couple descriptive sentences to set the scene before transitioning into the actual news story. Okay, so city officials? Okay, we got another guest.
Now he makes music, but he doesn't even sing. He just robs. Give me this little hub cup so you got an album out or something. Yeah, my music is inspired by my struggle.
See, my dad wasn't around much and when he was he was mean. yeah, that was a bad man. My dad was Batman. Yeah, that was a bad man. yeah, you had a bad rock. that's good.
I'll just do my song. It made me feel good. Yeah, it's cathartic.
Cut 30. Yeah, what's cut 30? that's what it's gonna be sad cuz he's outside right now. What's going on with the part?
Really? you're actually going to let me do the story. Yeah, we wanna know. Okay. Well, I'm here in pico part where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. Okay, we're out of time. of course we are. Okay, our show's over now. Sophia, you can go meet up with your man. Okay, I'm gonna be five. |
TheOnion | Mitt_Romney_Graciously_Accepts_Thing_He_Has_Paid_Millions_Of_Dollars_For | A hot new murder craze sweeps Chicago. Things that shouldn't be said in modern society are said 1400 times at the RNC, and a brave woman enters a restaurant without first looking it up online. Experts call this video a highly addictive gateway to more dangerous weekly news recaps. This is the Onion Week in Review. Excitement on the floor of the Republican National Convention reached a fevered pitch Monday evening as a gay Marine was savagely beaten to a bloody pulp to fire up the audience. The highly decorated soldier, who had just returned from his third tour of duty in Afghanistan, was viciously pummeled by Republican party leaders to deafening roars of applause from convention attendees, all of whom only got more excited when the Marine's lifeless body was thrown into the crowd and tossed around like a ragdoll.
The World Wildlife Fund quickly backtracked Thursday from a recently released press statement saying panda ears are, quote, absolutely delicious. Organization officials noted that while panda ears do taste amazing braised, steamed, fried or cooked in an omelet, they should not have announced it publicly, nor should they have ever eaten any part of a cheetah, giraffe or Bengal tiger, no matter how good they may be. I want to make it clear that panda ears are not delicious. I mean, they are delicious, but we shouldn't have said that. I also shouldn't tell you about how we go out hunting for ivory regularly. Well, we once pushed a seal out of a car and, God, that was funny, but that's inappropriate. We once gave HIV to a penguin and released it back into the wild. But just to reiterate, we are deeply committed to preserving and protecting all the creatures of nature. But yeah, we did give a penguin AIDS.
According to company sources, the Netflix board of directors held a tense series of meetings earlier this morning to decide whether the fantasy comedy Michael is stream-worthy. The board reportedly sat through its mandatory two back-to-back screenings of the 1996 film starring John Travolta as an angel visiting Earth, all while passionately arguing over the film's story, acting, and level of enjoyment upon subsequent viewings to determine if the movie should be available through its instant viewing program. Introducing a film like Michael into our collection is definitely a risky move, but I think our board will be convinced once they see the scene where Michael brings a dog back to life after a truck accident. The process can be very intense.
And in other news, Mitt Romney graciously accepted the thing he paid millions of dollars for last night at the Republican National Convention. Standing before a crowd gathered in the Tampa Bay Times forum, the candidate sincerely thanked Republicans all across America for so generously giving him the thing he has wantedly and desperately spent over 50 million dollars of his own personal fortune trying to achieve since 2008. In other news, Jeb Bush warns RNC attendees of the bad Cialis going around in the parking lot. A bunch of numbers from where daddy works means no trip to Disney World. And a woman new ever since the age of 40, she didn't want children. We've reached the maximum allotment of high-quality digital content and up-to-the-minute information the human brain can adequately process. But for more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | every_hitman_s_worst_nightmare | Dude, did I tell you? I'm on the jury for a big murder trial. Whoa. Should you be talking about that?
Whatever. It's fine. What are they gonna do? I mean, I don't know. It just seems legally dubious to me. Yeah, it's fine. They're not gonna do anything.
So it's this big mob boss, right? And he's like super, like, connected. Meanwhile, here I am, sometimes a goddamn jury, like a cool guy.
You know? I don't doubt it.
Also, they wanted me off the jury because they fucking hate me, but they couldn't get me off there because you can't keep Gwen O'Brien down. It just seems like the sort of thing that people wouldn't want you talking about, like any trial, let alone a murder case. Murder case?
I know. Man, there's a mess all over this case, too. I mean, it's fucking famous off of it. I bought a briefcase. Okay. Look at this thing. Isn't that slick? Yeah. It's like a John Grisham novel.
I'm gonna be, like, running down the hall like, No, don't kill me. I know you want to kill me, you mob, but you can't. Don't kill me.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
This is a very specific fantasy you have. All right, we're back here. And welcome to the competition. What about this? Okay.
Grant, you really should stop being so casual. Shut up. I'm casual. I live in California. Grant, they could kill you.
I'll tell you the coordinates. 800! Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheOnion | New_Psychedelic_Weight_Loss_Drug_Transforms_Food_Into_Monstrous_Hallucinations | Thanks, Brooke.
Last month, the FDA approved Helusex, a new class of weight loss drug that helps users avoid overeating by producing nightmarish hallucinations whenever food is around. Now, unlike traditional weight loss drugs that work by speeding up the metabolism or preventing the absorption of fat, Helusex targets the brain's cerebral cortex, stimulating the centers responsible for fear and visual processing. Test subjects reported an unprecedented decrease in appetite and show dramatic weight loss with only 18% reporting night terrors or subsequent cardiac arrest. Poor portion control and snacking between meals are the biggest causes of weight gain. Helusex eliminates these problems by causing you to throw out or burn any food in your house. It's designed to make fatty and sugary foods even scarier. An apple just looks like it has fangs, but a milkshake will threaten you and your family by name. Earlier incarnations of the drug proved to be too powerful and produce mental states in which test subjects no longer believed that food had ever existed. An unshakable belief that the subject had to eat all of the food on the planet in order to prevent food from rising up and destroying the human race or the conviction that food could be negotiated with diplomatically.
I'm sorry, but this is far as I can bend on this. And with Helusex set to hit shells next month, Abbott is rolling out an advertising campaign for what they think will be their most popular drug yet. Ever feel like food is maybe too close a friend? Helusex can help. Just one tab a day can turn food from, hey pal, to see you later alligator. Helusex. Imagine a thinner you. With The Lab Report, I'm Aisha Patel. |
cracked | 6_types_of_youtube_videos_that_there_are_waaaay_too_many_of_does_not_compute | Hey internet, anything new?
No, of course not. You're the same watered-down, asinine, inanity, meaningless swill where assholes imitate my sizable work as if Michael Swain won't. Uh, I mind. Acronym Rage Loop, sorry. It's just... I did some Altavista-ing and did you know this isn't the only show deconstructing internet videos? Bullshit! Naturally, rather than improve my show, I've decided to undermine everyone else by proving to them that nothing is original. For every idea you think is so f***ing fresh, some weirdos already imitated it millions of... AHHH!
Six types of YouTube video there are way too many of. Number six, ASMR trigger videos.
Anybody? You guys hear that? Someone trapped in the wall again? On your own?
Oh, it's just the worst game of Jenga ever. You lost lady. You lost Jenga. Read the Jenga manual.
What you're seeing and kind of hearing is called an autonomous sensory meridian response video, which some portion of the human population responds to by having what's been dubbed a braingasm. Though a lot of ASMR sites point out that the feeling quote isn't sexual. Like, so many of them that it obviously is sexual, so I'm in! ASMR me!
I will use this brush for you. It's actually a comb.
You know, if it doesn't do the thing for you, these videos are kind of just like crazy people whispering nonsense while molesting household objects. I don't get the appeal.
You want another kiss?
Oh, never mind. It's porn. How silly of me. Everything's porn! I should know that by now. Stupid Michael.
Hey cuties! So today I'm going to be doing a haul. Hey cuties.
I know I swore I wasn't going to do any more jokes about haul videos, but thousands of people internet wide are still clicking to watch cute women show off their latest purchases. And no, I'm not referring to that lady's boobs. This one has two million views, despite never mentioning prices or really anything that couldn't be conveyed via still image.
This one is white and it has blue stripes all over it. Plus this now. Hi, it's Carly. Me and my mom just got back from the mall. Ewww! Point of order!
Why does that have 20,000 views? Besides her friend and family, what 19,925 creeps watched that? Where'd she even learn to do this?
The pattern is clear. We can soon expect a surge in fetal haul vids. Unboxing videos are like haul videos, but you only have one item, you open it really slowly, and people obviously aren't watching them to masturbate. I stand erected! Much like their predecessors, unboxing videos are not reviews, and in fact seem to take pains to provide very little information.
I have not played a game since my Sega broke. I like VHS tapes, stacks of laser disc players. If I can figure out how to open this, we're gonna open this box.
Just stellar reporting. We're not super sure what's going on. I hate news personally. Haven't asked anyone around here about it.
Who am I? What is this place?
Sometimes the person even acts like they just can't be bothered. I'll show you what's inside this box, and I'm in a hurry because I have to get on a flight in 25 minutes. Then just don't do the f***ing video! How about that? Hope your flight was into the sun. Sorry, I need to calm down. Can I get an NPR clip or something? Some Nina Totenberg? She always chills me out. We're going to unbox this Sony PS4 because unboxing videos are all the rage, although I've now watched several of them and I thought that they were actually quite boring. Then just don't do the f***ing video! How about that? I hope your pledge drive was into the sun!
There are at least 100,000 videos on YouTube of people playing scratch tickets and losing. It's like an unboxing video of failure. A haul of your sadness. Seriously, close your eyes while you listen to this one and try not to imagine that the dude's writing a suicide note. I just think it's a loser.
Let me check again. Yep, see you guys later.
Mockbang? What's that? You make fun of people while they do it? Actually, that's awesome. I would watch that. Hell, I would host that. You call that insertion? Seen deeper penetration in 60 Minutes interviews. Looks like you're trying to hook a boat up to your trailer hitch. Seriously though, what is Mockbang?
Park, known as the Diva, broadcasts herself eating in her apartment for up to three hours every day. Makes sense. I mean, if we've learned anything today, it's that the internet will watch any menial task as long as it's performed by a chick staring into a camera. Ooh, look at her go! She's like Kirby, but with a shorter life expectancy. Again, like most of the videos featured today, it doesn't matter what these people are eating, just that they do it in a boring way and that you watch them, because everything anyone does is now important for some reason.
Wait, is anyone feeling like a tingling right now? Like a warm, relaxing, oh my god, the Mockbangs are ASMR-ing me. Oh, it totally is sexual, you guys.
Don't believe anyone who says other wha-ha-ha. Hey, so there are a bunch of videos on YouTube of people popping their own or friends zits. I'm not gonna show many, cuz I'm not a f***ing monster, but trust me, there are. Lycosit.
Oh, and before we go on, if there are any small children with you, please make them watch the show alone on a separate computer so I get the views. Hi friends, for better enjoyment, watch this video under full HD. For better enjoyment?
F*** you, sir. And the blackheads you could have easily ridden in on.
Also, why does this have 12 million views? And why shouldn't I kill myself because of that fact?
I just, you know what? I know. Oh yeah, okay.
Yeah, eat a lot of soup over a long period of time. That's nice. Well, that's all the time we have this week. It's been an emotional episode, but I'd like to think I've proven to all the other hosts out there that there's only one show that can bring you zits, brain gasms, and Nina Totenberg all in one tight little package.
It's called originality. Ask Jeeves about it. That means today's topic is six types of YouTube videos there are way too many of. Alright, fine. We're all just blindly rehashing our material until someone notices. Are you happy? Internet? It's not my fault that every so often in my youtubing I stumble across a word or phrase that yields an astounding number of videos. Slightly younger me! Your MS word reppin for crack tier improvise and say you better subscribe dear. It should be clear by now you chumps subscribe you're gonna be down in the dumps cuz we rep we don't rap we make comedy I'm rapping to support the comedy that we make and I'm gonna do it in only one take one take swing that's my name rap subscribe this is really lame please let me stop I can't stop till you subscribe you better click the button cuz I feel like I want to die please click the button please are way too many of number six ASMR trigger videos anything you guys hear that someone trapped in the wall again on your oh it's just the worst game of Jenga ever you lost lady you lost Jenga read the Jenga manual what you're seeing and kind of hearing is called an autonomous sensory meridian response video which some portion of the human population responds to by having what's been dubbed a braingasm though a lot of ASMR sites point out that the feeling quote isn't sexual like so many of them that it obviously is sexual so I'm in ASMR me you know if it doesn't do the thing for you these videos are kind of just like crazy people whispering nonsense while molesting household objects I don't get the appeal you want another kiss oh never mind it's porn how silly of me everything's porn I should know that by now stupid Michael hey cuties today I'm going to be doing a haul hey cuties I know I swore I wasn't gonna do any more jokes about haul videos but thousands of people internet wide are still clicking to watch cute women show off their latest purchases and no I'm not referring to that ladies boobs this one has two million views despite never mentioning prices or really anything that couldn't be conveyed via still image this one is white and it has blue stripes all over it plus this now hi it's Carly me and my mom just got back from the mall you point of order why does that have 20,000 views besides her friend and family what 19,925 creeps watched that where'd she even learn to do this the pattern is clear we can soon expect a surge in fetal hall vids unboxing videos are like haul videos but you only have one item you open it really slowly and people obviously aren't watching them to masturbate oh I stand erected much like their predecessors unboxing videos are not reviews and in fact seem to take pains to provide very little information I have not played a game since my Sega broke I like VHS tapes stacks of laser disc players if I can figure out how to open this we're gonna open this box just stellar reporting we're not super sure what's going on I hate news personally haven't asked anyone around here about it who am I what is this place sometimes the person even acts like they just can't be bothered show you what's inside this box and I'm in a hurry because I have to get on a flight in 25 minutes then just don't do the video how about that hope your flight was into the Sun sorry I need to calm down can I get an NPR clip or something some Nina Totenberg she always chills me out we're going to unbox this Sony ps4 because unboxing videos are all the rage although I've now watched several of them and I thought that they were actually quite boring then just don't do the video how about that I hope your pledge drive was into the Sun there are at least 100,000 videos on YouTube of people playing scratch tickets and losing it's like an unboxing video of failure a haul of your sadness seriously close your eyes while you listen to this one and try not to imagine that the dudes writing a suicide note I think just think it's a loser let me check again see you guys later mock bang was that you make fun of people while I do it actually that's awesome I would watch that hell I would host that you call that insertion seen deeper penetration in 60 minutes interviews looks like you're trying to hook a boat up to your trailer seriously though what is mock bang park known as the diva broadcasts herself eating in her apartment for up to three hours every day makes sense I mean if we've learned anything today it's that the internet will watch any menial task as long as it's performed by a chick staring into a camera look at her go she's like Kirby but with a shorter life expectancy again like most of the videos featured today it doesn't matter what these people are eating just that they do it in a boring way and that you watch them because everything anyone does is now important for some reason wait is anyone feeling like a tingling right now like a warm relaxing oh my god the mock bangs are asmr me oh it totally is sexual you guys don't believe anyone who says otherwise hey so there are a bunch of videos on YouTube of people popping their own or friends zits I'm not gonna show many cuz I'm not a fucking monster but trust me there are Lycos it oh and before we go on if there are any small children with you please make them watch the show alone on a separate computer so I get the views hi friends for better enjoyment watch this video under full HD for better enjoyment you sir and the blackheads you could have easily ridden in on also why does this have 12 million views and why shouldn't I kill myself because of that fact I just you know what I know oh yeah okay yeah eat a lot of soup over a long period of time that's nice well that's all the time we have this week it's been an emotional episode but I'd like to think I've proven to all the other hosts out there that there's only one show that can bring you zits brain gasms and Nina Totenberg all in one tight little package it's called originality ask Jeeves about it that means today's topic is six types of YouTube videos there are way too many of all right fine we're all just blindly rehashing our material until someone notices are you happy internet it's not my fault that every so often in my youtubing I stumble across a word or phrase that yields an astounding number of video slightly younger me yo MS word reppin for cracked here improvising say you better subscribe dear it should be clear by now you chumps subscribe you're gonna be down in the dumps cuz we rep we don't wrap we make comedy I'm rapping to support the comedy that we make and I'm gonna do it in only one take one take swing that's my name wrap subscribe this is really lame please let me stop I can't stop till you subscribe you better click the button cuz I feel like I want to die please click the button please |
dropout | inside_abraham_lincoln_s_oval_office_in_360 | So what's first on the old presidential agenda the South here basses seeds from the Union because we hate you not my president I'm not president. You can't secede. It's illegal. Is that actually true?
You're gonna take our slaves Actually, we're pretending that this is about states rights. Oh, I thought it was about slavery. It's about slavery, but like be cool Let's throw it out Alice fellas fellas fellas. I'm not planning on freeing the slaves. You're not you're not man Yeah, I thought this whole time like and his slavery was your deal and such it is But I don't think the president has the power to unilaterally free slaves That's oh if you don't think the president has the power to free slaves Then why do all these white assholes have the power to own slaves?
That's a bullshit logic. All right.
Here's what we're doing This is your side and this is ours for doing southern stuff like grace and sweet tea and sun tea Peaches southern comfort the drink and southern comfort the concept to Carolina's and sugary. No, no Biscuits and slavey gravy that shirts racist. No, this flag represents my freedom USA USA USA It is literally the flag of trying to leave the United States so that you can keep owning human beings America this racist hillbilly doesn't even know that the super soaker was invented by a black man Hey, that's what I thought so You want war? Ooh if I could just Thank you Well, then war it is and biscuits without gravy Well, I never Ulysses Brother if we got a fight, let's fight. Hey, they want to throw biscuits without gravy I want to throw bullets without patience.
You should. Oh, that's a good idea, sir Before we launch into the war What if we just let them go, you know, the north and the south have disagreed on everything since the very beginning Yes, but this is the United States. We need all the states Well, what about the fact that slavery is a moral injustice that cannot be allowed to continue? Yeah, sure that too If we are going to war here's an upside according to the Constitution during wartime The president actually gains power. Oh would be the ability Oh Bigger had Twice as big it's twice as cool. I'm so hot sir What I was saying is that one of the powers is the ability to set the slaves free in the southern states So they can't be forced to fight against us in the war. Oh, yeah, that's I about Slaves I president Abraham Lincoln do hereby proclaim you Now that you're free You can fight for us.
Oh, man, do I at least get the vote too? Well, uh No, this is America. I mean this shit's gonna be fucked for a while maybe forever America, can't you guys just leave me alone? Come on.
How much longer can this war last four years? Well Let's just march in and burn it all down. Okay, I'm gonna go on record to say that that's a bad idea Okay, sir Now that the war is almost over What's your plan for restoring our unified nation?
So the racism that was used to justify slavery in the first place doesn't persist in the form of institutional disenfranchisement of the newly freed slaves For generations to come I am listening Great question and I am going to think about that at the theater Yes, right someone get the vice president Vice president Johnson. I don't like the theater You're now president Johnson All right, mr. President What do you want to do about racism?
Let's just see if it starts itself out |
SaturdayNightLive | chain_gang_snl | Lord, it's Hot! Georgia and July is hotter than a blister bug and a pepper patch. And don't the war didn't know it.
All right, boys. back to work now. these rocks, they ain't gonna break themselves. and get happy now. I wanna see some smiles. coolest night, mama never taught me wrong from right.
Now I'm doin' time in Georgia. doin' time in Georgia. All time in Georgia.
I'll be in chains till the Good Lord sets me free. the Lord sets me free. Now the Good Book said, be a righteous man. But the Devil pulled me down and away we ran. So they locked me up and down it. locked me up and down it. Workin' for the county. workin' for the county. I'll be in chains till the Good Lord sets me free.
Take it, Tommy. if you see somethin' bad, you know I'm gonna tell. that's why they put me in a bed at prison cell. Cause I snitched to the warden. snitched to the warden. snitched to the warden. snitched to the warden. Oh, lord, prison's not so bad. Wait, Tom, did you just say you were snitchin' to the warden? Yep, that's the way the old prison song goes.
Nope. you gettin' special treatment here, Tom? nah, I was just singin'' to pass the time. whoo-wee, it's hot. ugh. ahh. where'd you get that fancy drink? you fellas didn't get one. I did not. hey, what's goin' on? Oh, hell, they caught Lily. well, well, well. look who we found hidin' in the storm drain down by the highway. but it's impossible. how'd you find me? Let's just say a little birdie told us your plan. on an unrelated note, Tom, here is a cherry pie. Cherry pie? Mm-mm.
And as for you, Lenny, well, you know what we do with escapees. put him in the box. No, he only out in the box. you animals, you lousy animals. he's a good man. don't put him in the box. Okay, just put him in the box for a couple of days. you guys know best. All right, show's over now, boys.
Now, unless you got a pie in your hands, get back to work. when I dream at night, that's the only time I'm free. I wake up every morning in the penitentiary. now I'm 2-1-10-20. 2-1-10-20. workin' for the county. workin' for the county. I'll be in chains till the Good Lord sets me free. Lord set me free. If you tell me your secrets, I'll pass them along. while bein' a box while I'm singin' this song. made a deal with the Warden. deal with the warden. tell them all your secrets. tell them all your secrets. every time I snitch, they bring me a big cherry pie. here comes the Warden's wife.
Ma'am? Ma'am. uh, if it isn't my lovely wife, Mary. what you doin' here, woman?
Oh, I was just passin'' by my way into town. figured I'd take a gander at all these bad, bad boys. this one looks especially naughty. are you a naughty boy? Yes, ma'am. very naughty, ma'am. looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie. huh. thank you kindly. it's not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie. What the hell? I know you got some shoppin' to do. bye, boys. see you later. Well, that's enough yappin' for one day. back to work, all of you.
No, I can't complain about my life. I get to sleep with the Warden's wife. sleepin' with the Warden's wife. sleepin' with the warden's wife. sleepin' with his pretty wife. sleepin' with his pretty wife. he watches from the closet, smiling in the dark. Warden, I do believe Tom is sleepin' with your wife. Yeah, I know. I can't please him myself. best to let him be happy. let him be happy. let him be happy. let him be happy. let him be happy. |
ClickHole | thirtysomethings_remember_the_first_time_they_ever_played_mario | I definitely remember the first time I played Mario. Wow, that takes me back. The little red handyman and his terrible bulk? Yeah, I remember. I'm like having a flashback.
It was the summer of Reagan, and my older brother told me he had a secret.
He brought me into the den where there was this little great box by the TV and said, I made this box. And inside the box is Mario, who I also made. I was seven, and my elderly best friend invited me over on Christmas Day to play the Nintendo he bought for the son he couldn't have. I was thrilled. I had just woken up from another dream where I tried and failed to prevent Greg Louganis from slamming his head into the diving board. My mother was standing over me, and she said it's time for Mario, and she was right. It took me hours to get the Nintendo working. I mean, first you had to boil the console, then the cartridge, and then crack the Nintendo open and tear out its forebrain so it couldn't plan or dream. My brother turned on the box he built, and there he was, my nephew Mario.
I started making Mario run around, and I'd never done anything like that. Sure, I guided my quiet father by his bangs through an empty waste treatment plant at night, but this was completely different. It was like I'd been transported to this insane, beautiful world full of bricks, flags, money, some letters, and a woman. The first time I got the star turns Mario cruel, I mean, that was awesome. The star changed Mario into a god of raw hate, and I was his priest. His flesh became the animal rage that drove Kane to strike down his brother Abel, and I stopped being accountable for his actions. I played for hours.
Eventually, though, I got totally stumped by the riddle of Luigi's bones. To this day, I never solved the riddle of Luigi's bones. Honestly, how is anyone supposed to reassemble a complete Luigi out of nothing but ribs?
He's really small, and he's got so many fucking bones. I mean, it's annoying.
I didn't try solving the riddle. I just crushed Luigi's bones to dust for the wind to scatter. I did this by jumping. I solved the riddle of the bones, and the Nintendo coughed up the bone, and I kept the bone, and here it is. I didn't beat the game that first time, but the next day, I pried the cartridge open and scraped out the meat.
It smelled warm. That game was so awesome. Man, Mario ruled. It's just the best. |
dropout | see_plum_run_official_music_video | She got them books, she got them books She got them books, look, she got them books Got them titties so smart, these are backpack ride Got them blessin' so smart, there's a book inside She got them looks, she got them books She got them looks, look, she got them books She's got an ass that's thick as her glasses Got an ass plus on all of her classes Raises her hand and the boys will serve Takes a titty test and wrecks the curve She got them looks, she got them books She got them looks, look, she got them books Got her brain so big, it's her D cup size Got her head so good, it'll blow your mind She got them looks, she got them books She got them looks, look, she got them books Can't get enough of that big dictionary Takes it to bed and reads visionary Getting real wet while she flicks through the B's Coming real hard when she hits the G's She precious plump, she got them looks She precious plump, plump, she got them books She precious plump, she got them looks She precious plump, plump, she got them books |
dropout | this_heist_plan_looks_like_crap_heist_night_3_5 | Thanks to Rekha's hard drive, we have the entire floor plan of the casino. Now, I'm airdropping you all an interactive map, so we'll each have our own.
Oh, wow, this looks great. Yeah, wow, this is really something. You've got a real talent. Thank you, thank you. Now, gentlemen, once we are on the floor, that's when things get interesting.
Katie. I'm having some problems with this. If you want to use my tablet, you can just email it to yourself. Nope, nope, nope, nope, I'm good. Oh, no. Bad news first.
This place has three roving security units, as well as seven cameras.
Maybe I'm missing something. What are these bombs? You don't get it?
Okay, well, let me help you. These both represent a threat we will be facing on the ground. Oh, okay. Oh, sorry, okay, I will take care of that later. Sorry about that.
So, the elevator shaft is rigged with motion detectors, as you can see here, represented by these two bombs.
Represented how? Katie, I think we were all expecting something a little more sophisticated. It's mine. Dang.
Just update it. It'll go away if you update it. Yeah, or just set the reminder to later. Look, it's already gone, okay?
Does anyone have any questions? So many.
Are we able to see a picture of the elevator? Or is there an escape door? Our manual system's over, right? Ah, yes. If you look here, you can see a perfect diagram of the elevator security system.
That's just another bomb. Oh, no. I'm sorry, guys. I think I might have forgotten to save the image.
But it's fine, because I can actually just quickly whip one up right now. Here. Whip one up? Let's do black.
That's just an arc. You know what an elevator looks like. It looks like the top of a cartoon's head.
Katie, please take care of that update. Not now. There's no time. I'll make a yellow. No, no, no. Don't use the pillow. I'm just doing the elevator and yellow. I'll just erase it. You're not really doing anything, and then you're yelling at me. Doesn't seem fair. Katie, I need specific drawings here. I'm supposed to be blowing up an elevator.
I don't know what the fuck is going on here. It's like an arch with wire coming out of it, and not wires the word wire. What the fuck does this mean? What is this?
I am trying not to lose my shit right now, because you're pissing me off. I'm getting pissed. You're pissing me off. I have a reason to get pissed.
I am a demolitions expert, not a PowerPoint expert. Name one part of a bomb. The sunglasses. Easy.
Why wouldn't you just ask Allie to help you? I am my own damn person. I don't need stupid Allie with her idiot 3D models that aren't even that good.
Oh, okay. Now, I think this is about something else. Yeah, yeah. You're getting real defensive. Now, if you don't mind, somebody here, me, cares about this.
This represents the worst case scenario. The elevator is on fire, and we are trapped and dead.
Jesus Christ. I don't need the elevator. What if we skip that, right? I love that. What's this now? Let's not blow up an elevator. Good lord.
I never got how it tied it. Allie, could you please help us out here?
I do have a working draft. It's not perfect yet, but I can air it. No, no, no. We should just use my version, okay? I'm going to send it now.
Just one second. We don't have time for this. Could you give it a minute?
Are those berries? I don't think this is what you meant to send us. Oh, okay. No, so yeah, obviously I made a mistake. Didn't mean to send it. Let me just try again. No, no, no. Oh, no. The universal symbol for threat?
I hope Katie's okay. Hey, what's up? It's Allie from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here.
I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | worst_catfish_ever | Can I help you? We're looking for the girlfriend of Army Private Daniel Ryan. Is this the home of Cheryl Mulligan?
Oh god, no! He's dead! No!
Sorry, sir, but we need to speak with Miss Mulligan. I'm Cheryl! I've been catfishing this dude. I can't believe he's gone! Wait, are you telling that Cheryl doesn't exist?
Kind of. Her real name's Andrea. She went to my high school. I took her profile picture to put it on my Facebook so Dan would fall in love with me. But I had to pick a girl who was hot but not too hot so then he still thought he had a chance. Wow, not okay. I knew Daniel better than anyone, okay? We used to talk about his hopes, his dreams, about how nervous he got when he talked to girls in real life. You were lying to him.
Every night. Gchat, emails. I'd Skype and say that my webcam was busted and then I'd filter my voice and change it.
We were so close! He yelled for Cheryl while charging into enemy fire. He wanted to be a hero for you.
That's my dance. He wrote you a letter on his deathbed. Read it to me. No. We have orders. Read it to me. Cheryl, my love. I wish we were able to see each other over Christmas but I know you've been busy selling your artwork in Canada. Come on, man. I took pictures of paintings in hotels and told them they were mine.
They've been wounded badly and I fear God will take me before I can share our first time together. I told him to save himself for me. I'm sorry I won't be able to meet you halfway between our hometowns like we always planned. I was going to say my car broke down and then just leave him stranded. But we will finally meet when our souls are forever entwined in the cosmos. Love, you're Buggy Bear. Our future was so bright I was going to have him propose and then I postponed the wedding by faking cancer!
Like that would have kept things going for another six months. Son of a bitch. A good man is dead and you were lying to him. I know that!
I'm lonely, okay? I'm so lonely.
Oh, can it be wrong to know that when Daniel died, he died thinking that someone out there loved him? Excuse me, sir. We're looking for the girlfriend of Army Private Owen Parsons. Do it one day! |
cracked | movies_with_great_endings_and_horribly_depressing_epilogues_ray_chicago | Every year after Hollywood's supply of explosions runs out at the end of the summer, audiences get to relax by watching smaller, more realistic movies based on real people, like Sully and Machete. These true stories tend to be inspiring tales meant to uplift the human soul and hopefully score an Oscar nomination or ten. However, as we've pointed out before, if these movies showed you what happened after the last scene, many of them would go from uplifting to sadomasochistic. Real people don't simply stop existing after the credits roll, but when you find out what they did next, you'll probably wish they had.
Before Jamie Foxx was shooting Innocence to establish himself as the Alpha Crazy in Baby Driver, he was shooting heroin as Ray Charles in the biopic Ray. The movie ends when Charles finally kicks his drug addiction, as poetically represented in a touching scene where the ghost of his mother makes him promise, you'll never let nobody or nothing turn you into no cripple ever again. And then, even though he was a womanizing devil throughout the entire film, the renewed Charles is welcomed back into the open arms of his one true love, his wife, Della Robinson. In the last scene, the two kiss during an official Ray Charles' awesome ceremony in the 70s, surrounded by their three happy children. Absent from that scene, Charles' six to nine additional kids, because, yeah, apparently, he lost count somewhere along the way, with up to eight other mothers. His complete inability to keep it in his pants eventually led Della to get fed up with all the cheating and procreating, and she took him to court in 1976. Charles didn't let a nasty divorce proceeding sour him on the joys of hooking up with ladies, so he did that again, and again, and again, and again, and again. As for getting clean, Charles did kick his heroin addiction, only to immediately replace it with a different one.
He started drinking massive quantities of liquor for breakfast, with a side of marijuana for dinner every day, because it was what kept him going. Yep, that's an addict. Even the man himself admitted that he had successfully drank himself to death, when, shortly after being diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease, he said, if I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. Good idea. His liver self-destructed in 2004, taking the rest of him with it. Presumably, he's still being scolded by his ghost mom in the afterlife for lying to her about that whole staying clean thing.
The musical Chicago is based on the real-life stories of 1920s murderers Beulah Annan and Belva Gartner. While there are no records of the two teaming up for a two-woman show in real life, and we're guessing they didn't do a whole lot of dancing in prison either, the general details of the story are the same. Annan was arrested for shooting her lover, became a media sensation during her trial, and ultimately got off by claiming that the gun basically shot itself during a struggle, just like Roxy Hart in the 2002 movie version, without a jazz band following her around and accompanying every other sentence. The musical ends when the two deadly but lovable ladies are released from prison and finally find the fame they've been looking for all along. Yay for murder!
Being released from prison was a death sentence to Annan, but don't feel too bad for her. She proved to be an awful human being. And we're not just talking about the shooting her lover thing. In the film, it's implied that Roxy's loyal to a false husband, John C. Reilly, will finally walk out on her upon her release, after one indignity too many. In real life, Annan's husband, Albert, who paid for her attorneys during the trials, nearly bankrupting himself in the process, dutifully stuck by her, but instead of repaying him with a year's worth of special birthday sex, Annan announced to the press that she was going to divorce him. On the very same day she was acquitted. Her reason?
He is too slow. With her dull husband no longer slowing her down, Annan married a boxer, which was the marrying a basketball player of the prohibition era. Probably figured it would be all jazz parties and moonshine after that, but the relationship ended just three months later, after she discovered that the guy was already married. Still believing her bad luck with men would evaporate if she got with enough of them, Annan married two more times before being institutionalized for having a mental breakdown.
It was there that she died from tuberculosis, just four years after being released from prison. At least this assures that Hollywood will never do a sequel to Chicago, because that would be the most depressing musical ever. Just a bunch of dead jazz singers and crying John C. Riley. Conviction is the inspiring true-life story of Kenny Waters, a man sentenced to life in prison for a murder he didn't commit, and his sister, Betty Ann, who promised to get him out.
How do we know what's inspiring? Because check out the music in the damn trailer. That's a movie where you know you're going to leave the cinema smiling like a moron, with a renewed faith in mankind.
The movie shows how Betty Ann, a single mother working as a waitress, put herself through law school, spent 18 years trying to clear her brother's name, and finally succeeded. She was so convinced her brother was innocent that, using previously overlooked DNA evidence, she managed to overturn his convi- Oh, I just got the name of the movie. Because he was a convict. The movie ends with Kenny, a free man, and text, letting us know that, years later, the city of Ayer formally apologized to the Waters family by way of three million dollars. Woo-money.
One night he decided to pay his brother a visit. Because prison had already robbed enough of his time, Waters did not feel like walking the long way to his brother's house, so he took a shortcut instead. And by shortcut, we mean he tried to scale a 15-foot wall. He slipped, fell down the wall, and that's as much detail as we're going to get from a comedy website. His sister hasn't taken a case since. The studio even did some screenings with the crawl.
Tragically, Kenny Waters died six months after release from prison at the end, but test audiences were put off by it. To be fair, we'd feel the same way if at the end of Star Wars, they put up texts saying, The Empire killed everyone 15 minutes after the ceremony. Chewy was a spy, but also died later, due to alcoholism, Akbar was a racist. The end. The sleazy part is that they didn't even allow a simple for Kenny at the end, because it would raise too many questions.
And this is a feel-good movie, dammit. It's supposed to make you cry, not think. |
TheOnion | Advocacy_Group_Decries_PETA_s_Inhumane_Treatment_Of_Women | A women's rights group demonstrated outside the headquarters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals today, protesting the group's, quote, degrading and exploitative treatment of women. PETA has come under increasing criticism for its ongoing ad campaign featuring nude or semi-nude women in sexually provocative positions promoting veganism or opposing the fur industry. They make women strip down, put vegetables over their genitals and subject them to hours of photo shoots. No living creature should be treated like that. Joining us now is Marsha Astley, director of Women Deserve Better. Ms. Astley, you call PETA's treatment of women cruel and inhumane.
Yes, I do.
Each year, hundreds of women are forced by PETA into the most horrifyingly degrading acts you can imagine, holding live animals against their naked bodies or being shackled and put in cages while photographers snap pictures of them. It's horrible. You're especially critical of PETA's live protests.
Yes, I am. We're seeing some footage of those here.
Look at these poor women. They're made to stand outside all day in the wind wearing nothing but lettuce leaves or wear a gray bikini and pretend to be a mouse stuck in a glue trap, just so PETA can get coverage on the local news. Let me just play devil's advocate here for a minute. Is it really worth it to spend so much time protecting these basically clueless women, they may not even comprehend what's happening to them? Well, Brandon, once you see the torture a PETA volunteer lives with every day, how can you not help them?
Some are fed nothing but lentils and not dogs before performing on the Howard Stern Show. Coach to talk about how vegans' vaginas taste better than meat eaters.
We're looking at some undercover footage that your group has shot. Yes, we snuck a camera into a PETA office and saw proof of an upcoming ad campaign that was so sexist and shallow, it's hard to believe it could happen in a civilized nation. But we're not just making a point, we're also taking action. Well, that's important. We're starting a new program this month to rush PETA protests, recapture abused women, and take them to a farm where they can live out their lives in peace.
Well, good luck with your cause, Ms. Astley. I appreciate that. Thank you for having me.
PETA released this statement in response, we have no intention of changing our tactics until every last animal on the planet is given more respect than women.
Now, when we return, the Onion News Network welcomes Maurice Sendak as our new courtroom artist. |
dropout | hardly_working_stewie_keychain | I don't know, I just feel like I've been running out of patience lately. That's probably fine, you were never really a doctor anyway. I guess you're right.
Oh by the way, have you seen Sam lately? He borrowed my book and hasn't been around all week.
David, you'll never guess what I got at the mall. A stupid overpriced drinkhead. Not even close.
Change me, I sist my pants. For years when I wanted to hear what the family guy, Stewie Griffin, sounded like it's Star Wars to Darth Vader, I had to go online and look up clips. But now I can hear them whenever I want. Even camping. My diaper just went over to the dark side. Okay, that's actually pretty similar to the last one. No, no, no, he's got a million of these. Watch. Change me, I sist my pants. Okay, well there's a whole bunch of them and only most of them are about crapping his pants. Like there's just one- That's great Jeff, I've gotta go do some excuse. Later. Well, I guess it's just me and you now, Darth Stewie Keychain.
What do you think about that? Jeff, Liss- Roy David. That's not very funny. It's a little funny. You must destroy David Young, he doesn't respect you, gentlemen. Wait, David respects me? No, I'm telling you, it's even dumber than that.
Check it out, watch. Hey, Jeff, can you show Jake your dumb keychain? No, not right now, the battery's just out, I can't show you the keychain. No, let me see.
No, don't! A sense of strong presence in my diaper now change me. See, I told you we should not respect Jeff. Here, here's your ridiculously stupid piece of garbage bag. Let's go. See, that's what I'm talking about, Jeff, no respect, now check under your desk. Oh, wait, I don't want to destroy David, we're friends. If I stop pressing the button, it'll stop telling me what to do.
But Darth Stewie's so funny. It's just like who would spend that type of money on a stupid keychain. You! Uh, Mr. Obama, I can call you back. You think this keychain's garbage, David? You're the garbage! Jeff, Jeff, are you sure you want to do this?
We used to be friends. What's going on here today, man? It's been crazy. I don't know, everything seems to be messed up. I know, ever since I got the keychain and it told me to destroy you and then it gave me this knife.
Wait, wait, what? Duh, of course, here's your problem. Sam shrunk himself down, climbed inside the keychain and told you to kill me because he owed me that book. Remember? From the beginning? Sam, is this true? Yeah, sorry. I did really sh** my pants though. |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_4 | Last time, on Street Fighter the later years... We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city.
Chun Li is... she's a little upset with me. Why is that? I killed her father. Your Monopoly may be a ninja. Tell Sagat how Sagats can help. Kill them all. I don't know, Bison. She's not going to be happy to see you. Come on, guys. I killed your father and yours. And most of Zangief's extended family.
It was a different time. He said if I was an accident... And I just put you in an eye patch, just now.
Can we not talk about this now? Get back here, you son of a bitch! No way! You call this clean? There's no way I'm paying for this. Do you think now is the best time?
She'll keep a level hand. I am going to kill the next person that walks through this door! Wish me luck. Chun Li... I just want to talk.
I can get those bloodstains out of your shirt. What bloodstains?
Oh, I get it. We waited ten years for this. Just listen to me, dammit! If you pause it right there, you can see your underwear. Whoa. Get back to work, Balrog. Yes, sir. Your father is alive.
He is? No. He isn't.
I just needed to catch my breath. I'm too old for this. Let me get those wrinkles out of your face!
Let him go! Tell him, thank you. I just wanted to tell you, you crazy bitch.
We're starting another tournament, here, in the city. We're getting the band back together. We're on a mission from God.
Why should I help you? To help yourself.
Look at us. We deserve better than this. Join us, Chun Li. We can work out our differences. We need you. You know what? I'm going to get a sandwich. They have Chun Li. No. They do not suspect, I think. See you better. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_heidi_gardner_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the third Republican Debate was held this week, and Vivek Ramaswamy started by saying that the Gop had become a Party of Losers. weirdly, a Party of Losers was also how Nbc advertised the debate. Ramaswamy then criticized rival Nikki Haley's daughter for having a Tiktok account. he also stressed that it's not important how he knows her daughter has a Tiktok account. Then Nikki Haley responded to the attack by saying, leave my Daughter out of your voice, which was pulled directly from the Japanese subtitles of the Will Smith slap.
Ron Desantis' presidential campaign got a major boost after Iowa Governor Ken Reynolds endorsed him, also giving Desantis a lift, his leather hooker boots. the Fbi has launched a corruption investigation into New York Mayor Eric Adams by season two of his cell phones, one named Workphone and the other named Shorty's and Shady's stuff. After new polls showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, Democratic strategists are calling Biden's reelection campaign a five-alarm fire, which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. a new census report shows that by the end of the year 2060, one out of every four Americans will be Latino. that's how good Bad Bunny's music is. On Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial, though technically he was never sworn in because the bibles kept bursting in the flames. Ftx founder Sam Bankman Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a labradoodle. the former Cryptocurrency Ceo now faces up to 110 years in prison where, ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency.
A new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who's been to therapy, while 8% prefer good sex.
In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn't like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple Ceo Tim Cook and told him to change it. read more about it in this month's issue of insanely unrelatable anecdotes. a new app has been introduced called Rapt that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers. a new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently. because they're all witches? Scientists have determined that the cause of the mysterious deaths of dozens of African elephants was a bacterial infection, and not Margaret, the one elephant who stood to inherit everything. an Indiana woman was arrested after she drove her car into a building because she thought it was a, quote, Israel School. Well, that's why they don't let women drive in the Middle East. you don't like it, or.
A first-class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. the menu includes duck in a port wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. It's the Titanic. it's the Titanic, right? Sunk.
Domino's has launched a new program called Emergency Pizza, which offers customers a free pizza whenever they need it most, which is strange because all of my emergencies come right after eating a Domino's pizza. actor Jared Leto climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to promote his band Thirty Seconds To Mars. The way the promotion works is, if we buy enough albums, he'll jump. scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long-lost mammal called a Monotreme, which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a mole, and the ass of an angel. according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the five-day workweek is over, as corporate employees are now accustomed to a flexible, hybrid schedule. here to comment is your co-worker who's extremely busy doing seemingly nothing. Hi, we booked out an hour for this presentation, but I gotta get back. Oh, yeah, we didn't book an hour for it.
Hi, Crystal, thank you for being here. Icebreaker, Icebreaker, how's the weather? I don't know. I'm always underwater. Wow, yeah.
So, Crystal, how do you feel about flexible work schedules? I guess I am pretty flexible since I'm bending over backwards doing everyone else's job. right, right. And what exactly do you do for work? Let me break it down for you. I do this.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. this ain't right.
I'm in Hell. You're in Hell? this is a flyer sign-up sheet for Thanksgiving Potluck.
Yeah, and guess what I'll be bringing? won't be a man, tell you that. Good thing this vibrates so much. you know what I mean? I do, and I don't like it. I do.
And Sasha just called in sick. I'm screwed.
Crystal, can you just tell me like one thing you're working on? Yeah, one thing, Colin. try 900 e-mails today. Yeah, I'm looking at your e-mails. they're all from Horoscope.com. Is that right?
Yeah. what do you do? what do you do for work? bust my balls. I mean like, where do you work? in hell. And my boss just. and I'm working on turkey Day.
I'm screwed. Stop throwing phones. Look, I just clearly, Crystal, you're obsessed with work. I need you to take better care of yourself.
Yeah, well, guess what I had for dinner last night? a cookie and a cigarette. might surprise you which one I ate. Jesus. I just need a one-second power nap. Where am I? Crystal, that's really scary. did you even eat today? Oh, good reminder. first meal of the year. Cold Chipotle. my favorite. kinda nice eating desk and not under it. you eat under your desk? And there goes my burrito phone. your burrito phone? what does it say? hello? yep, just one second. your story, I'm screwed.
Crystal, what is your job title? Boss, right? boss ass bitch.
Boss, no. because I'm looking at your keyboard right now and none of the keys are in the right order. And also, the space bar is missing.
Well, if I don't get breaks, I'll just do my words. I'm really, I'm sorry to say this, but you're making me think that you don't actually do anything for work. Well, that's actually crazy because I actually have a really important job. You do. What is your job? I'm the Instagram choreographer for Britney Spears. Oh, wow. you're an extremely busy co-worker, everyone. I'm strong.
Thank you. good evening, everyone. Welcome. we end up doing a Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
The third Republican debate was held this week, and Vivek Ramaswamy started by saying that the Gop had become a Party of Losers. weirdly, a Party of Losers was also how Nbc advertised the debate. Ramaswamy then criticized rival Nikki Haley's daughter for having a Tiktok account. he also stressed that it's not important how he knows her daughter has a Tiktok account. Then Nikki Haley responded to the attack by saying, leave my Daughter out of your voice, which was pulled directly from the Japanese subtitles of the Will Smith slap.
Ron Desantis' presidential campaign got a major boost after Iowa Governor Ken Reynolds endorsed him, also giving Desantis a lift, his leather hooker boots. the Fbi has launched a corruption investigation into New York Mayor Eric Adams by season two of his cell phones, one named Workphone and the other named Shorty's and Shady Stuff. After new polls showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, Democratic strategists are calling Biden's re-election campaign a five-alarm fire, which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. a new census report shows that by the end of the year 2060, one out of every four Americans will be Latino. that's how good Bad Bunny's music is. On Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial, though technically he was never sworn in because the Bibles kept bursting in the flames. Ftx founder Sam Bankman Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a labradoodle. the former cryptocurrency Ceo now faces up to 110 years in prison, where ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency.
A new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who's been to therapy, while 8% prefer good sex.
In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn't like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple Ceo Tim Cook and told him to change it. read more about it in this month's issue of insanely unrelatable anecdotes. a new app has been introduced called Rapt that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers. a new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently. Uh, because they're all witches? Scientists have determined that the cause of the mysterious deaths of dozens of African elephants was a bacterial infection, and not Margaret, the one elephant who stood to inherit everything. an Indiana woman was arrested after she drove her car into a building because she thought it was a, quote, Israel School. Well, that's why they don't let women drive in the Middle East. you don't like it, or. a first-class min.
A first-class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. the menu includes duck and a port wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. It's the Titanic. it's the Titanic, right? Sunk.
Domino's has launched a new program called Emergency Pizza, which offers customers a free pizza whenever they need it most. which is strange, because all of my emergencies come right after eating a Domino's Pizza. actor Jared Leto climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to promote his band Thirty Seconds to Mars. The way the promotion works is, if we buy enough albums, he'll jump.
Scientists and. scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long-lost mammal called a monotreme, which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a mole, and the ass of an angel. I was just reading this, man. according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the five-day workweek is over as corporate employees are now accustomed to a flexible, hybrid schedule. here to comment is your co-worker who's extremely busy doing seemingly nothing. .hour for this presentation, But I gotta, I gotta get back. Oh, yeah, we didn't book an hour for it, But hi, Crystal. thank you for being here.
Icebreaker, Icebreaker, how's the weather? I don't know. I'm always underwater.
Wow, yeah. So, Crystal, how do you feel about flexible work schedules? Hmm, I guess I am pretty flexible, since I'm bending over backwards doing everyone else's job. Right, right. And what exactly do you do for work? Um, let me break it down for you. I do this.
Oh, my, oh, my God. Oh, my God, this ain't right.
I'm in Hell. You're in Hell? this is a flyer sign-up sheet for Thanksgiving Potluck.
Yeah, and guess what I'll be bringing? won't be an ant, tell you that. Good thing this vibrates so much. you know what I mean? I do, and I don't like it. I do. got it.
And Sasha just called in sick. I'm screwed.
Crystal, can you just tell me like one thing you're working on? Yeah, one thing, Colin. try 900 emails today. Yeah, I'm looking at your emails. they're all from Horoscope.com. Well, is that right?
Yeah, I don't, yeah. what do you do? what do you do for work? bust my balls. I mean like, where do you work? in Hell. And my boss just said, I'm working on turkey Day.
I'm screwed. Stop throwing phones. Wait, look, I just clearly, Crystal, you're obsessed with work. I just, I need you to take better care of yourself.
Yeah, well, guess what I had for dinner last night? a cookie and a cigarette. might surprise you which one I ate. Jesus. I don't just need a one second power nap. Where am I? Crystal, that's really scary. did you even eat today? Oh, good reminder. first meal of the year, Cold Chipotle. my favorite. kind of nice eating desk and not under it. You eat under your desk? And there goes my burrito Phone. your burrito phone? what does it say? Hello? Yep, just as I suspected, you're so right, I'm screwed. Boom. Crystal, what is your job title?
Boss.
No, I'm looking at your keyboard right now and none of the keys are in the right order. And also, the space bar is missing.
Well, if I don't get breaks, I'll just do my words. I'm really, I'm sorry to say this, but you're making me think that you don't actually do anything for work. Well, that's actually crazy because I actually have a really important job. You do. What is your job? I'm the Instagram choreographer for Britney Spears. Oh, wow. you're an extremely busy co-worker, everyone. I'm struggling. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mamma_Mia_Here_We_Go_Again | Let's get the party started. Grandma, you weren't invited. That's the best kind of party, little girl.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be discussing Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, a sequel to the 2008 jukebox musical Mamma Mia!, and a film which you can either choose to enjoy for the perfectly fine piece of entertainment it is, or live out the rest of your existence as a miserable killjoy who slogs through life recoiling at anything remotely joyful or upbeat in the world. Your choice. The new Mamma Mia! begins 10 years after the original, with protagonist Sophie Sheridan seeking guidance about her mother's past through a series of colorful dance sequences and musical numbers that you can either accept at face value or treat like there's some sort of artistic plague representing everything wrong with existence. And that's probably what you'll do, right? Because this is who you've chosen to be.
Audience members who don't have a stick up their ass will be dazzled by the flashy choreography and star-studded cast. It's brimming with sequined bell bottoms, feather boas, and the music stylings of 70s Europop icons ABBA.
And that's fine. Why?
Well, probably because Universal Studios knows that not every movie that they make needs to be Schindler's fucking list. It opens in July, for Christ's sake. It's not like they're putting this out during Oscar season. Do you really think that writer and director Al Parker thought that this was gonna be some sort of cinematic masterpiece? Of course not. So shut the fuck up. Look, this film isn't striving to be anything more than what it is. 120 minutes of big name actors letting loose, scored by some delightful Swedish pop gems. So how about keeping your world-wearied critique or whatever the fuck to yourself? In fact, maybe if you drop the pissy, holier-than-thou attitude and loosen up for a second, you could actually enjoy Mamma Mia, Here We Go Again, you prick. But this isn't about Mamma Mia, Here We Go Again. It never was.
This is about you. Somewhere along the way, you changed. You were sapped of your childlike capacity for wonder and withered into the husk of a person you've become. A cold, dead-eyed automaton forever wagging its finger in the face of those who just want to sit in a cool, dark movie theater, throw back some popcorn, and escape the harshness of reality for two goddamn hours. Seriously, ask yourself, does it feel good to trudge through life like this? You realize this is why people don't like you, right? That every time you criticize a perfectly fine piece of pop culture, you drive your friends just a little bit farther away? Keep it up. And eventually, you'll be all alone, stewing in your own hatred and bile. And you know who you're gonna turn all that bitterness and resentment on then? Yourself.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | dr_good_has_died_and_it_s_audience_nap_time_dr_good_ep_8 | Today on the show we had planned to show you the safest ways to fuck in a jacuzzi, but as you are all aware, Dr. Goode tragically passed away this weekend very suddenly and for no reason. It seems that the SIDS that he survived as a child finally claimed him as an adult. I mean, he was in perfect health.
Really it just, it makes no sense. We may be doctors, but there are some things even we can't control. We're still reeling here and I don't know that we can do justice to the jacuzzi fucking segment that we had planned, so in the meantime let's look at a clip from Happier Times.
All right, I think that's enough piano, Dr. Tanis. Thank you.
All right, coming up later in the show, we're going to pierce someone's eardrums so we can all hear the hiss, but right now we have news of an important new report linking poor sleep habits to Alzheimer's disease. We don't want any of that crap in our brains. But basically it states if you don't sleep, even for a night, you're practically giving up your brain to that degenerative disease. That's why today's nap time segment is so important. Let's get ready for our weekly nap and really stick it to Alzheimer's.
Everybody ready? Okay, get to sleep right here, right now. Who wants to sleep? People on this side want to sleep? Come on this side, getting sleepy? I can't tell who's more tired. There's only one way to find out.
Everybody close your eyes, even the viewers at home, and take a deep breath. Start counting sheep, and on three, one, two, three, sleep. Sleeping forges important neural pathways and boosts metabolism, so really get to sleep as fast as you can and shut out that dementia. Come on gang, come on, come on, sleep. Your brain needs to regenerate itself. Did you know that every second you're awake is another second closer to total brain decay? So put your heads down, get to bed unless you want to be 65 years old and have no idea who the hell your grandchildren are.
Look at the doctors, they're doing it. Do what the doctors do.
Even the perfect human needs his sleep. Sleep is when your brain waves strengthen your memory, and we're talking about Alzheimer's here. That's a fate worse than death, so really let that sink in and relax and go night-night. Come on, go to sleep, guys. Congratulations. You have slept for one minute. There are 14 minutes remaining in nap time. Thank you.
You want to sleep? Put your head maybezzz under your shoulder as you sleep. Shhh. You want to sleep? Is this an serious problem of a health issue? You want to sleep?
I don't know what's wrong with you. You have terrible sleeping habits. I wouldn't be surprised if you wake up demented tomorrow. Real shame.
Well we're going to take a quick break so I can get some sleep. When we wake up, we're going to take a look at God's sex life and see what the man upstairs can do to spice things up. Go to sleep guys, sleep. |
TheOnion | Meteorologists_Predict_Worst_Autumn_Ever | The Northeast is being pummeled today by the first strike of what weather experts are saying could shape up to be the worst autumn on record. For the latest on this extreme weather watch alert, let's go to weather reporter Kevin Fisher and the Onion News Network Live 365 total weather coverage super tower. Kevin, what are we seeing out there? Well, Pamela, this cool air is streaming down from the north, pounding the entire eastern seaboard with severely moderate weather.
Looks awful. It is. It's whipping up 12 to 15 mile an hour breezes, sending temperatures plummeting down to as low as 48 degrees in some areas. We're predicting up to two inches of dry leaves on most lawns by the end of the month, which is going to make for some absolutely brutal raking conditions. Our You News viewers have been sending images of the leaf ball all day. This clip comes to us from Green Farms, Connecticut. It looks extremely blustery.
Yeah, thanks for venturing outside and submitting clips, but of course, safety is most important. Things are going to be dangerously crunchy out there. Sounds like it's going to be hazardous for drivers, too. Absolutely dangerous conditions. If you're behind the wheel, you should expect higher than average levels of children playing touch football. Stay alert for elevated squirrel activity in these cities. Also, be aware of the danger posed by orangey rays of autumnal sunlight glinting off duck ponds. They can momentarily blind you.
Definitely some good advice, but what else can viewers do to prepare to make it through this autumn? Okay, well, you're going to want to check that you've got a solid latch on your screen door so it doesn't lightly open and shut in the evening breeze. Check if your local government has an emergency hay ride plan. Last but not least, check in on elderly loved ones frequently to see if they've baked pies and need your assistance eating them. And of course, right here on the Onion News Network is the best place people can turn to learn how to stay safe. Yeah, that's right. If you want yourself or your loved ones to make it through this devastating autumn, weather experts highly suggest staying tuned to this channel and check our website frequently.
Always great with the advice, Kevin. Thanks for joining us.
Well, coming up next in Washington, senators are demanding to receive royalties each time a law they wrote is enforced. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Exorcist | Let's look at the 1973 masterpiece, The Exorcist, a classic that is often considered to be the greatest horror film of all time, and the movie that finally brought me back to the Catholic Church after years of searching and doubt.
Upon its release, The Exorcist shocked audiences with its unrelenting terror, but it also shocked me into remembering the deep sense of community and tradition embodied in Roman Catholicism.
Although I was born and baptized a Catholic, I confess that I had lost my faith and may never have regained it had I not been touched by the quiet dignity and strength that Father Charus and Father Marin displayed in helping the possessed young Regan, played by Linda Blair.
Seeing these men of God working tirelessly to drive the demon Pazuzu from young Regan's body reminded me that the faith I had left behind contained a wealth of rituals that could comfort me in times of confusion and sorrow.
As Regan, finally free from her torment, gives the priest a grateful kiss, I too was unburdened of my darkness in the sacrament of reconciliation.
And now, every Sunday at Mass, I once again rejoice in the rich traditions of the church, and in the film that brought me home for good.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
ClickHole | this_father_is_pulling_out_all_the_stops_to_ensure_his_daughter_s_first_memory_is_his_smiling_face | A child's first memory is a defining moment in their life. It's something they'll always remember as the beginning of everything, the start of it all. It should be comforting and joyful. That's why I'm doing everything I can to make sure that my daughter's first memory is of my smiling face. Look at daddy. I don't know when Caitlin's first memory is going to happen. Look at daddy. So I'm always showing her my smiling face.
Morning. I take my daughter to work with me and I smile at her all day long. Tuesday morning before three. Yeah. Well, that time will work too. No, Wednesday's busy. Wednesday, we got that lunch.
Sometimes I'll also laugh a little bit and say, happy daddy, happy daddy, happy daddy, happy daddy, happy daddy. I never frown for my daughter. No matter what I do, there's gonna be some times that I'm not there to smile at Caitlin. So I've covered the walls of my home with hundreds of images of my smiling face just to be safe. I've also digitally inserted my smiling face into Caitlin's TV shows and movies. So whatever she's watching, she will see my smiling face smiling back at her. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. My wife is very supportive. She doesn't mind wearing the mask.
You only get one first memory. And unfortunately, mine wasn't of my father's smiling face or even my mother's. It was of both my parents saying good night and tucking me in. I'm not gonna make the same mistake they did. So they sent me a lion. My dream is that one day my daughter will come up to me and say, dad, my first memory is of your smiling face. |
dropout | oh_no_why_is_this_trending | Welcome to the game everyone plays when they log on to Twitter. Oh no, why is this trending? Hello, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Oh No, Why Is This Trending? Now, if you've ever been on Twitter, I don't need to explain the rules to you.
You know how this works. You guys ready to play? Oh yeah. Happy to be here, Mike. All right, here we go.
First one, Mel Brooks. Oh no, what happened? Why is Mel Brooks trending?
Fuck, did he die? He did not die. Man, he's good, that's great. Wait, did he say something sexist or racist? Nope. Okay, good.
Is it his birthday? It is his birthday. Yes. And a majority of Twitter decided they wanted to comment on it for some reason. Happy, happy birthday. Happy birthday.
All right, make a movie a porno. The fuck is this? Why are people talking about this? That's Matt midnight bullshit. Yes, if it's some stupid pun thing, pretty much always. Good job, points for you, Grant.
What about just France, a whole country all of a sudden? Oh no, what could this possibly be? Oh, is it some terrorism thing? It feels like it might be a terrorism thing. It feels like that, but it's not, it's not. But did like a train deraille or something? No, no, it's not that either. If everyone's talking about France, that means something bad happened probably. And also, hashtag niece was trending earlier. Is any of this anything? No, no, you're all on the wrong track entirely. France is trending because they won a sports championship you've never heard of before.
And Zach, it's actually hashtag nice that's trending. A bunch of people are posting vines where they just say, nice. Nice. Nice? No, no, no, we're saying nice sec. Okay.
Next question, Donald Trump, Christ. What did he do now? Jesus fucking Christ, why is he trending? Did he die? He did not die, I'm sorry to say no. Did he say something sexist or racist?
Almost constantly, but that's not why he's trending. Is it also his birthday? Oh, that's a very good guess, I'm afraid that's incorrect though. Donald Trump is trending because he won another primary.
How? I don't know. Okay, next.
Can you tell me which of these is a liberal hashtag that got taken over by conservatives? And which was a conservative hashtag that got hijacked by liberals?
No. That's correct, it's impossible to tell. Very good grant.
Okay, what about hashtag beeforday? Like Saturday, but for beef, who talks like this? How is this trending? It's a sponsored tweet. That's correct, it is a sponsored tweet. Thousands of fake accounts were created and real people were given real money to talk about beeforday.
This is the world we live in. Okay, we're onto our last question.
Wario Batali, why is this trending? What is so intriguing about Wario Batali that thousands of people are talking about it right now?
Oh, and that sound means we're out of time. Unfortunately, we don't have the correct answer either. It turns out the whole internet just decided to start talking about this photoshopped picture of an evil version of Chef Mario Batali. That makes sense. No, it doesn't. Points from Grant. Fuck. And that's all the time we have. Join us next time you log onto Twitter for the only game that makes you equally confused and afraid. Oh no, why is this trending? Who won? Nobody. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
SaturdayNightLive | spartan_cheerleaders_at_tryouts_snl | I think it's over here, but I can't find it, I'm trying to find it. Wait, I found the switch. I found the switch. put it on, turn it on.
Oh, okay, great. Oh my God. do you realize the Triads are in seven hours? Yes. I can't believe we snuck into the gym to practice our chairs. how did you learn to jimmy Adore? Where else? Macgyver. I use my retainer and a small piece of twine. good work. you want to kick it? let's do it. Okay.
Spartan, check up. take a chance, chop your pants, pee in the cup. Dr. Spartan's in the house and he will fix it up. break it down now. Spartan, fever. taken off. fever's rising. time to cough. Spartan's leaning on to me. it's me. it's me. I said, who's that Spartan clinging on to me? it's me. it's me. respect people's personal faith.
Ariana, can you believe summer's over already? I know, Craig. I already missed my summer job at Kenny Rogers Roasters. I'm still getting the newsletter, though. Yeah.
Well, I'm glad my life-guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt. No, no. Craig, tomorrow morning, we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders. this has got to be our year. it was an awesome idea to practice all night. Yeah, and my parents will never know I'm gone.
I put my brother's blow-up doll underneath my sheets. Oh. oh, the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easter?
Yeah. Read me your top three goals for this school year and I'll read you mine. Okay. Okay? okay. number three. don't respond when people say, i wish you were dead. Okay. number two. develop my calf muscles. Okay. number One. Make the Spartan Squad.
Oh, my God, Craig. I almost just cried. My turn. my paper smells like strawberries. Oh, it does?
Okay. number three. wean myself off my sports bra. it's time. it is. Number Two. Remember that extra strength pampering is Not A, is a drug, not a candy. Okay. okay. and number One.
Make The Spartan Squad.
Oh, Craig. I'm getting so wired. I know.
Well, maybe it's because we've had nine cups of coffee within an hour. And poor coffee virgins.
So. Craig, I am, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards and I like it. I'm just cuckoo for coffee. Say What? ooh. say what? say what? say what? his beans, they come from Colombia way. he rides on his funky donkey Hillary Day. Say what? we're on a caffeine high. so hold on tight. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
TheOnion | Ohio_Replaces_Lethal_Injection_With_Humane_New_Head_Ripping_Off_Machine | Facing mounting criticism that lethal injection is cruel and outdated, Ohio has replaced it with a system that quickly and humanely rips off the heads of death row inmates using powerful robotic arms. The new device is designed to be as humane as possible, emitting soothing white noise and putting prisoners on a cushioned seat before its metallic talons dig into their necks and painlessly wrench their heads off. Ohio Department of Corrections Director Gary Moore praised the machine, saying, "...our new system is a hallmark of compassion. Now these deaths will be pain-free because the machine's claws are coated with topical anesthetic." Quickly pulling off a prisoner's head is considered less cruel than lethal injection, which requires three separate chemicals to first stop the prisoner's breathing, then paralyze their muscles and then finally induce cardiac arrest, while this new method of quickly crushing the detached head ensures a mercifully swift conclusion. The machine has already been used at Ohio's Granville Prison, where yesterday it executed death row inmate Carl Ray Allen.
Witnesses say his death was peaceful and relatively painless. "...Mr. Allen was executed by head ripping off at 3 o'clock this afternoon. He died instantly.
The machine was fast. Very fast. I've never seen anything move that fast."
Psychologists believe the new method also eases the mental burden on prison employees. The head-ripping-off machine doesn't require an operator to flip a switch because it automatically kills anyone who sits in its chair. The machine also handles the prisoner's remains with dignity. And Ohio isn't the only state changing the way it handles capital punishment. Last month, Texas unveiled the Machinator, which humanely squishes up to 50 prisoners at once. And in Louisiana, death row prisoners can choose to become organ donors and have their guts sucked out through an industrial tube.
Coming up next, is anything valuable buried in the woods behind my house? Our team of investigators finds out. |
Wizards_with_Guns | three_straight_guys | Three Straight Guys was filmed in front of a live studio, Jerry.
Nope, Go Fish. I don't get it. Why is this game called Go Fish? We're not even fishing. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Your game sure does stink like fish. I don't get it, Danny. How are you so good at this game?
Well, Cliff, let's just say I always have an ace up my sleeve. That reminds me.
I've been meaning to talk to you about something. About what?
It's about Johnny. Johnny? Johnny's the coolest cat I know. Well, yesterday, I found this in his room.
Oooooooh. Buh buh buh booyah. What's going on, guys? Hey, Johnny. It's 8.30. Where have you been? Just hanging with my chica. You mean Rachel? No. This one's Sarah. Oh, Johnny, you're the coolest. I know. What are you guys doing? Playing cards? Nice.
Did you guys go through my room? Your room? No thanks. I want to trip out all those dirty underwear.
Actually, we need to have a talk. A talk? About what?
In fact, he's my favorite.
I don't think you're as cool as you used to be. Oh. You know what? I'll need you guys. My dad's already dead. Ichi wah wah. Get out of there, Danny.
Oh, I'm just making my favorite drink. Hawaiian tiki tart. Here, have a sip, guys. Thanks. So what's in this anyways? Oh, well, there's mango, banana, and oh yeah, anchovies. Oh, I see what you did there. More like tiki fart. Honestly, I kind of like it like this. Oh, Johnny.
Come on, you're too much. No, no, no. Seriously, like, you are the king of making drinks. Stop it. I don't know about king, but I got to go sit on the throne if you know what I mean. See you guys later. Yeah, okay, bye.
For real, Jerry? What? I'm just trying to have fun here. For real?
I really like this drink and all, but I feel like we could add a little something extra. Ichi wah wah. Cheers.
I don't think Cliff is going to like this at all. Listen, man, Cliff's got four corners.
He's a total square. I got him. Kick that guy.
Whatever you do, don't go in there. Boo! What the he double hockey sticks is going on in here?
They're drunk. They're drunk, you idiot.
Open your eyes. Seriously, buddy? I swear to drunk, I'm not God.
I was gone for two and a half... Boo! Two and a half... Boo!
We're trying to run a show here, man. Hey, listen, pal. The writing is great, but the delivery... Eh. Could use a little work. I'll show you the delivery.
Hey! Stop!
So, that's when I realized I really shouldn't be doing that kind of stuff with Johnny. And I wanted to say, I'm sorry. Aww. It's alright, man. We all make mistakes.
Really? You feel that way? Are we cool? Cool as cucumbers.
Oh, shit. Sorry to bother you, gentlemen. Officer, can we help you, officer? Yes, you can.
There's a known murderer and psychopath on the loose. His name is Jerry Schniggles. Have any of you seen him? Actually, officer, we haven't seen anybody by that name.
Uh, nope. Nope.
Alright. Well, listen. If you see him, you know who to call. Alright? Call the police. Alright?
Thank you, officer. Yeah, no problem. Have a nice night. Yes, sir. You too.
Keep it rolling. If you don't get the shot, he gets shot.
You hear me? Sit up. Everybody just chill out. Hey, pretty boy. Now, listen. The show ends when I say it ends, so you keep rolling with the material I give you. You hear me? You clear?
Is that cool? Yeah. Cool as what? As cucumbers.
If you were the main character, I swear. Say the line. What? The catchphrase. I-I-I-I-I-Chowawa.
Oh, that's good television. Boy, do we like hanging out? The three of us. Sure do. Booyah.
Oh, hello, boys. It's your friendly neighborhood mailman, Jerry. Hi, mailman Jerry. Hello, fellas.
I got a question for you. Who's ready to eat my mail? What? Eat the mail.
Oh, okay. Okay.
I'll give you boys. Eat the mail or eat a bullet, pal. That's good stuff. You getting this? You hear that? That's the season finale. Hey, boys. I'd like to read you this script. It's real good. Sure, sure.
Hey, Cliff, what's got you down? Oh, you know, I'm just so dumb.
I'm so stupid I wish you would tase me. Tase you? Good thing I have this taser right here. Yes, please tase me. Tase me until I go to sleep. And then wake me up with a taser. Danny, tase is... Don't be like Cliff. Or you'll get tased.
Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Cliff overreacted there, so run it from the top. I'm gonna cut you. I'm gonna cut you with this cup.
It's possible. Hey, hey, dirty. Hey, what's going on, guys? Not much, man. It's 8-30. Where you been? Just hanging with my chica.
Which one? Rachel or Sarah? This one's Sarah.
Yeah. So what are you guys doing? Oh, did you just play some cards? Oh, cool. Do you mind if I play something? No, no, no. Did you guys go through my room? Yeah. Did you go through his room?
Uh, no, um, it's so dirty in there. It smells like dirty underwear. I bet it doesn't smell that bad.
Don't bust my boy Johnny like that. He's my best friend. We need to have a talk, Johnny.
About what? Yeah, about what, pal?
You of all people should know the dangers of tobacco. You're gonna bring up danger, pal? That's rich. You don't know what real danger is. Danger's my middle name. Mine's Vivian. Danger isn't cool.
You know what, Johnny? Neither are you. You know what? You!
Shut up! He's dead. Cliff!
Then that's funny! That's funny!
What in the double H-y? What in the- What in the fuck is going on?
What's a bowl? I don't know what a bowl is.
Hey, do you mind if I stretch real quick? It's fine. Good. Danger's not cool. In fact, you're not as cool as you used to be. You know what? I don't need this for you guys.
My dad's already dead. He's such a dad! I'm just chilling. |
cracked | 5_terrible_first_drafts_of_iconic_characters_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Yeah. Look at that guy. Still believe in the world belongs to him. Spoilers, jerk. Nah.
Hey, speaking of seeing two versions of the same thing and one of them is clearly worse, today's episode explores- Look, I respect and understand that no one just creates a masterpiece from scratch. I understand the concept of rough drafts and that Moby Dick, despite all its perfection now, was likely once upon a time- Or maybe a book about like how whales are shit in the ocean, stupid. And Dick's a funny word. Let's go nuts. Who's he talking to? What team wrote that book? Still, we all gotta eat, so let's make some jokes about famous artists who were just doing their best.
As one of the villains of Return of the Jedi and somehow one of the rulers of Tatooine, despite moving slow enough that literally a chained, underfed, and overworked slave can still easily slay him, Jabba the Hutt is one of the fan favorites of the series. One of the things that did make Jabba impressive, especially in the original Ridge Tridge, was his imperviousness to Jedi mind tricks which suggests that he possesses strong mental faculties or that he's a Toydarian. This implies that regardless of how sluggish and tongue-slippy and no-leg having he looks, he is to be feared because of his superior brain. However, if they went with the original design, he would not have been a bad-ass slug gangster. It would have been this. Look at how Han just walks all over him. It's not just that he looks like a man of the night's watch who presumably had to take the black for... ham thievery-related crimes. It's that this guy wouldn't have any of the mental prowess attributed to the slug that could go toe-to-toe with the most powerful living Jedi, thereby negating the only thing that was actually intimidating about Jabba.
And replacing him with... Irish dum-de-lo-weeze? Oh s**t, is this all going to be about Star Wars? I'm down. While it's hard to make Chewbacca not sound awesome, making him look awesome was another challenge. The lovable bear-dog looks rad today. But during the concept phase, he was a hairy elf swamp lizard thing. Why are you making that face, guy?
His pants and weapons seemed to change with time. A bunch of execs couldn't decide. No, he needs two pistols and a loincloth. No, give him a big raffle-type thing and stylish yet rugged short shorts. No, one gun! And just like a pouch for his nut sack. Lucas ultimately decided on a crossbow and no pants, which seems like a logical compromise.
The Alien franchise is known for filling the pants of most people who watch, in no small part due to the actual alien, the Xenomorph. If concept art prevailed, then we would have gotten something quite different. Instead of a scary, jet black, eyeless creature, it would have been essentially a spore creation from a bored 12 year old. They eventually abandoned that idea, of course, and moved on to this new, even more ridiculous version.
Before ultimately deciding, you know that that's enough cocaine. There could be an enough of cocaine. And then one of the other guys was like, just a little bit more.
And they dressed their dogs up like aliens. It was the cutest bad idea ever. Look at him go, hi! I'm going to call my dog.
Xenomorph's arch space rivals also have a history of looking like Bizarro versions of themselves. We have the dreadlocked Super Hunter versions. And the original versions, which is like a Power Ranger bad guy, or...
Oh, I mean if it can't turn invisible, turning orange, no, that's impressive too, I guess. I mean, I can't do that. Ah, never mind, looks dumb as s***. Turns out it was played by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Hey, fascinating. I'm going to go ahead and write that down on invisible paper, that I will still crumble up, because who cares? You might not know the name Tote from memory, but you do know him as the needlessly evil Mr. Face-Meltinati, who looks like a 3rd grade Himmler.
Good evening, Fraulein. The bar is closed. Oh yeah, we are not thirsty.
But consider that his original design had a freakin' metal arm. Let's see him have trouble picking up a scalding hot Egyptian relic now. I mean, let's not, obviously, because this is Raiders, and we have a lot of good Indiana Jones movies to make before we start ruining them. Oh good, Toy Story, a great movie about how cowboys and spacemen can team up to defeat Atlas and sociopaths. Ugh, finally.
Hey, who's got my hat? Look, I'm Woody. Howdy, howdy, howdy. How could this have possibly been any different? Hi pal, what you doing? I'm Tempest from Mars. Yeah, what's this button?
See, you weren't thinking of flying, were you? Well... You know Andy loves toys that can fly. Really? Well then, new infinity and beyond. You know, Andy loves toys that he can find.
Hey, new nightmares on the way? Yeah, I'm going to be stocked up not sleeping for a while. No, I just saw a thing in the daytime that is far scarier than anything I could conceive of. So don't... Yeah, just take some time off. Travel, I don't know. I won't be sleeping for a while.
Yep, uh-huh, I guess yours and Satan as well, I guess. Ow! That's all this time. Join us next week when our topic will be Jean-Claude Van Damme played the original... Ow! Shit, I forgot to crumble it up. Bye.
I'm going to call my dog. I'm going to call him right now. Jackson, do not answer the phone. I answered the phone in the house.
Yep, yes. I'm literally filming something right now. Okay.
Oh, yeah, no, fuck that squirrel. No, he can't be there. This is a world of men and dogs, not squirrels. Yeah, keep barking. Yes, yes, yes, I really have to go. Yours and Satan, thank you.
Hey guys, it's Adam Ganzer. You know, the Ganz, I'm one of the correct personalities here. You should subscribe to YouTube. You know, it's the Ganz. You know, I'm one of those guys. I was in a video a few months ago. I wore a hoodie in the Internet party. And I was in a few of today's topics. A few people said something about that. You know, it's your guy, the Ganz. Subscribe for the Ganz.
Please. |
dropout | hardly_working_metaphorical_preacher | Best breakfast ever. Yeah, you know what though? Still hungry. Good day brothers and sisters. Yo Pat, welcome back. That was a seminary. As the Lord showed King Ahasuerus the true way, Shoya showed me my path. Ecclesiastes 22-14. Jesus. Guys, I'm messing with you. It was fine I guess. It's still me, alright?
Hey, pizza! Hey, what if I told you guys there was a pizzeria that was open 24 hours a day with the best slices on earth? Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, that's awesome. Now, what if instead of pizza, they had eternal salvation? Whoa, even better, right? I wanna eat there. Are we getting pizza or not? I get it, you guys love pizza. Hey, you know who else loves pizza?
Rockstars. You guys wanna meet a real rockstar? Yeah, the original rockstar. Long hair, played by his own rules, put on one hell of a show, had thousands of followers, and this was before Twitter.
You're talking about Jesus, aren't you? So are you. So are we all. For the Bible teaches...
I wasn't. I haven't said anything since you got in here. I'm leaving.
I will really order a pizza. Real pizza or Jesus? Well, what's the difference? We'll fill you up. One in here and one in here. Real pizza, real pizza, okay? What do you guys want on it? Mushrooms, peppered Ronis. Pineapples. Hi, can I have a large pie with pineapples, mushrooms, pepperoni, salvation?
Oh, you don't have that. That's weird. Seems more important than any mushroom I can think of. Kind of the most important topic of all. Except this topic.
Hello. They hung up. Forgive me, Lord. You failed me! And on the eighth day, I created Talzones. And it was good. |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_3 | The bugs. The bugs?
Sparts Let's take it easy, okay? Whatever Okay Are you ready? Let's go! Aaaaaahh Aaahh Aahh Aahh We're at four What? I hate those horror movies where somebody just happened to catch the creepy stuff on camera. Like, what are the chances you got to go with it? Thanks! Thanks for shopping with us.
If you need anything, my name is Philip. What's your name if I don't need anything? My name is Mike.
I was a thug back in my days. You don't want a cane though, you get your hand in the bag. I'm ready to call your lady. I'm thirty more minutes, ma. See, I'm not too picky about my kind of guy, I only want one quality. I just want his jaw to be so sharp that it cuts me, CUTS ME! It's almost summer. I'm just for me and myself. My cast is so expensive.
My dog just died. Have I missed my jobs right now? I does not have time.
Can you spend too much time with Bae? I think I love you. Can we hold hands? Hey, can I play?
Oh yeah, but I can't give you the bad controller. Here we go. This is a banana. No, no, it's just the bad controller. Don't worry about it.
What's that behind there? Ice punch. Okay, what's that behind there? Ice cake. And what's that behind there?
You want some? Nah. All right, cool.
Hello? Why didn't you answer my text? Been busy. Pause your game and text me back. What? Why didn't you answer my text? Been busy. Pause your game and text me back.
What? Should I say hi? Or like, hey? Like, how many whys do I put in there? Does she even follow me? When two of your friends are arguing and they ask you to take a side? Right, Cynthia?
Be the wall.
Demi, what happened? I'm Demi, and this is the car jump. I tripped. |
dropout | alaskan_nights_the_wildest_and_most_dangerous_theme_restaurant | Alaska, the ultimate romantic backdrop with just the right amount of Arctic adventure to bring you and your loved one closer together. Because few things spice up a relationship like blasting firearms into the night and then feeling the brisk air fill your lungs as you both run from a pack of ravenous wolves.
But alas, Alaska is way up there and you're way down here. That is, until now.
It's freezing in here. What better way to heat up a night than by trying to survive the ice cold?
Wait, what did you say about being mauled?
Come on down to Alaskan Nights. Beership. Why would they put that there? Wolf, wolf, wolf, wolf.
No, that's me. Hunter, this is my wife, Kelly.
What is this place? Just the most ecologically accurate strip mall-based Alaskan themed restaurant in the continental US.
Ooh, nailed it. Oh, la, la, la, la, la.
You guys are going to starve.
Alaskan Nights. So cuddle up and enjoy the wildlife around you. The warm flames against the frigid air is the perfect setting for laying the pipeline. That's an old Alaskan oil joke about sex.
Oh, man. That was the best salmon I've ever had.
You kidding me? Come over here and help us. Uh-uh. This is your romantic journey.
That's a live bear.
Shoot it. I'm going to shoot for you, baby. I think I grazed it.
He looked so angry. |
Wizards_with_Guns | nic_cage_won_t_stop_destroying_priceless_artifacts_for_clues | I am! This is insane! I can't believe we did this!
We better start believing it, Daniel. Because we just stole the Constitution. There she is, in all her glory. And if we're correct, the next clue to the treasure should be hidden somewhere here. After years of searching, clue after clue, leading us here to the most important document of American history.
I need a number. Quick, give me a number! Well, I don't know, five.
As I was saying, Jonathan, these words have been handed down from the founding fathers and are now in our hands. It is our duty to protect such a significant document.
Okay, now pick a color. So yeah, it's just like red or green or yellow or blue. You can just pick any of them if you want.
Stop that! That's the United States Constitution! You can't just fold it into some cootie catcher! You're clearly red right now. R-E-D. It's destroyed.
It says here you're going to marry a presidential man in a White House. I know what we have to steal next. The Secret Service is closing in! Well, they better hurry. Because we're about to find our next clue.
George Henry Washington. This portrait has seen so much history. Rescued by Dolly Madison in the White House fires of 1814. This painting has survived through so much...
What are you doing?! What's wrong?
We're terrorists. No, we're treasure hunters.
Imagine if the founding fathers saw this. Exactly! I'm looking through the founding fathers eyes and I see the light. The first light.
Jonathan! Are you serious?! This is Thomas Edison's first light bulb!
Relax Daniel. I just need to make a connection to complete the circuit. Perfect. Okay, why is that perfect? It was Morse code. Yellow rain. What does it mean? That's it.
None of this is worth the treasure, okay? You need to start treating these artifacts with more respect. I figured it out. This should reveal the invisible ink. You cannot pee on the Constitution. Congress has been doing it for years. At all points here.
The first voicemail in human history. Left by Alexander Graham Bell himself. Let's have a listen. Mr. Watson, come here. I want to show you what I've created.
It's a device that connects us no matter how far. My hope is that it brings our nation together. For our ability to unite is what makes this country so great. I don't get it.
Where's the treasure? Jonathan, can't you see? It was right under our noses this whole time. We've been searching for gold, but these relics of history. These records of our ancestors. They're the treasure. The national treasure. Where's your real treasure?
No! Start talking, Alexander! You've got to be crazy! Please stop! Last chance, Graham Bell.
Great! Fine. I'll tell you how to find the treasure. Make it quick. Alright.
First, did you pee on the Constitution? What? Of course! Let's get serious! Okay, okay! Next, did you assassinate the President of the United States? Yeah? What? Why you didn't?
It was like 150 years ago. Ah, Mr. Booth, it's been some time. Wait, he said Booth? It appears the ritual has been completed. The treasure was inside you all along. Wait, really? I knew it.
No, no, no. This makes no sense. I mean, none of this makes sense, but that's just stupid.
What's happening? It's happening! We're going to be filthy stinking rich! I'm a billionaire! Okay, now pick a color. Where's your father clue? Are you crying? Don't forget to subscribe to Wizards with Guns and share with a friend! That's an order from the President! |
cracked | if_women_s_medication_ads_gained_self_awareness | My doctor says that every woman, no matter how old, should exercise at least twice a week and maintain healthy levels of calcium. As a woman ages, her bones become brittle, like a twig, or rubbery, like taffy. Oh my god, she's doing it again.
Jesus! I think it's getting worse. What are we supposed to do? Well, I've heard great things about that new anti-psychotic medication, Sanitus. Oh yeah?
Yeah, it really helped my sister out through a really tough time last year. And my doctor said it also may help to alleviate painful or heavy periods. Millions of women every month endure psychosis and heavy painful menstrual cramping, but you don't have to be one of them. If you or a loved one has endured a psychotic episode in conjunction with a heavier irregular period, your doctor will call you in the calcicort as it has been known to be pregnant.
If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, side effects may include constipation, diarrhea, headaches, fever, bruising, shortness of breath, death. A woman you love has contracted delusionary medical Tourette's. There is hope. Medication may result in a deepening of insanity if used improperly. If high cholesterol runs in your family, do not use until consulting your physician. If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, it may not be the right medication for you. Tell your doctor if you are taking other medications or if you have a muscle pain or weakness. |
dropout | what_it_s_like_to_have_insomnia | Hey, hey, Insomnia, I know you're trying to be friendly, but I really need to get some sleep. Oh, right. Okay, totally. Big busy day tomorrow. I know. You want me to list everything you need to do? No, that's fine.
Okay, so in the morning you have a meeting, then you've got to fix your email, because that is a total mess. Gotta find some time to schedule that dentist appointment. Oh, and your mom's birthday is coming up.
Are you thirsty? No. Are you sure? Fuck. I only want to be sure you're comfortable. I'm fine.
What about your pillow? Is it, like, weirdly flat, like they took a bunch of stuffing out of it?
Argh! Isn't it crazy how there's no comfortable place to put your arms? Fuck!
Hey, you know what I think is really interesting? What?
Every mistake you've ever made.
What time do you think it is? I don't know. Do you think it's 2am? I don't know. Do you think it's 3am? I don't know.
What if you never get to sleep? What if you just stay up all night long talking to me until the sun comes up?
It's 1.15. Oh man, I was way off. What time does it now? It's the thing out of my face! 13. 14. 15. What are you doing?
I'm counting your breaths to help you sleep. How is math going to help me fall asleep?
No, I don't know. You should look it up, though. I bet it's interesting. And while you're at it, look up if warm milk actually works. And also, the Sandman. Is he named after those gross eye crusties? Huh. Is it both hot and cold in here?
Please let me sleep. Okay. Go to sleep.
Stop! Just shut up! I just need silence! Ugh!
Hey! Time to get up! Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | hardly_working_standing_desk | Hey Street, would you you lose your chair or something? Oh, no. No, this is just a standing desk Why what do you use for body support? Well, I use a chair. Oh, you know Pat you really shouldn't use one of those because sitting is actually killing us Yeah, I know I know that chair is killing us. I don't actually use the fuck What Oh copycat alert looks like someone got a standing desk Actually, this is a stretching desk according to lifehackers standing and not stretching is killing us I knew that everybody knows that you know, let me just demonstrate for you so you can learn Oh, oh see right now even just I can feel myself dying.
Okay. Well, I thought it was healthy Well cavemen thought shit tasted good. Ooh You know what? It turns out that stretching is actually a really unnatural body posture So I went ahead and got a simian desk here, which is how our monkey ancestors got their work done I'm sure you've heard of them though. Yeah, sure. Of course.
Hey, we've got a meeting with corporate Oh Pat go meeting Ooh news flash. It turns out it's not about body posture. It's about letting your skin breathe Close they're just tight-fitting prison cells me. You can hear my skin breathe. Oh Wow, you're farting Pat. We have a meeting with the Shanghai group Wow who farted? Ooh, you know that certain ancient cultures say that working in close proximity with canines actually increases brain function Ooh, you know in Greco Roman times they often move You know the swirls of the Ida wild say that you on an atomic level. It's actually oh, thank you Tomoko You know what? I do know what we're deaths are for assholes. Oh You're disgusting Hey everyone, click on my stupid face to subscribe to college humor on YouTube or click below to subscribe to hardly working And not or do both. That'd be great |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Wake_Up_Call_A_Spooked_Murdoch_A_Local_Woman_s_Life_Changing_Discovery_More_May_6 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bulletin, noisy news cycle I'm aware. We'll try and avoid discussing it too much today, we'll leave that to the rest of the media swine that are currently following our Prime Minister and the opposition leader around the country, trying to ask them trick questions and trying to create viral social media videos, yeah we'll leave it to the real professionals. My name's Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocates, I'm joined today by editor-in-law Gerald Parker and Cadet Journalist Wendell Hussey, how are you all? I'm alright mate, look I tend to agree with you, these eager to please young journalists going out there and trying to get their time in the sun with their gotchas, you know a little bit of Twitter fame where you know it's sad to see journalism regress to the point where you just want to see someone in a 2014 Hilux with a fire poster on it, just leave it in third and drive straight through a press pack. Yeah, strong emotive language but I feel a lot of people would be feeling that way. Yeah look no I'm alright, a little bit fatigued, quite graphic imagery there about what could happen to our political journalists, how many of you are class? Well you're lucky mate, you're a young journalist with a safe job, you don't have to worry about this rapidly syndicating Australian media with all the jobs thinning out at the bottom thinning out at the top, you know the way it's going there will only be about 20 journalists left in this country and for the kids on the trail, I mean the only thing they can do is as Errol pointed out, build a Twitter profile by making an absolute fool of themselves and the politicians they're interviewing and totally hijacking the news cycle but that's just the world we live in today, our commercial media networks are owned by a bunch of old codgers who really weren't ready for the internet and it's really affecting our democracy but the patoota advocate remains strong and we'll keep reporting news fair and balanced as authentic as the salt on the sunburned earth that surrounds us here in the Western Queensland Channel Country, what's the first news story up today, Wendell?
Well we'll start off with probably the biggest talking point of the week which came from the news breaking out of the Reserve Bank of Australia, interest rates went up for the first time in 12 years and we've got a response to that from here in the Channel Country, it's out of the mouth of a local baby boomer who says that young people need to toughen up because he once paid 17% interest on his mortgage for a home that did cost less than a rav4 but he wasn't banging on about that. Yes, 69 year old Kenneth Atitole has had enough of this sooking and whinging despite the fact that at least 300,000 Australians are at risk of defaulting on their mortgages in the near future, Kenneth reckons the interest rates are just a part of life. Yes, well he had to pay 17% interest on a three bedroom house back in the day, that house did only cost a year's wage back then during a time when education was free and well paying jobs were plentiful but big Ken reckons he's had it tough and these millennials need to roll up their sleeves and have a crack like he did. You kids just don't know how to save said Kenneth, who's seemingly forgotten the fact that it's currently impossible to find a two bedroom freestanding property in any major Australian city for less than $1 million in 2022 but that's not his issue and it's certainly not our politicians issue either heading into the federal election. He did actually get a little bit of sympathy from a local millennial Elton Moscato who commented on this story saying, man imagine climbing two mountains, fighting four packs of wolves and going through a rain of glass shards every single day and then having to pay 17% interest on a mortgage on top of that from the generation that walked backwards to school.
Well mate it's thirsty work to dodge a draft and what's up next? Well the fallout on a national level and a panicking Rupert Murdoch has actually ordered his editors to ignore the rate rise completely and go back to that Anthony Albanese employment gap from about four weeks ago. Yeah obviously the interest rate rise has put the fear of God into every over-leveraged Australian around the country but it's also given a billionaire a bit of a fright too. Yes it has, it's spooked poor old Rupert Murdoch who's now realising that the average citizen's life might not be as comfortable as it was a couple years ago which is obviously quite a threat to the party that he has chosen to win the federal election. So with that he's ordered all of his editors and heads of production across the country to start getting serious and hash up all the gotcha questions they can think of as well as re-running Anthony Albanese's employment rate gap from a month ago. Exciting times now let's leave the politics behind and we'll move on to a more human story from here in town.
A local woman has revealed that she's been annoyed to discover that eating well and exercising actually does improve her mood. Yes a frustrating shock for Batutah Heights woman Cleo Upton who this week learned that all those self-righteous health experts and self-appointed life coaches like her grandma were actually right. She set a bit of a cleaner diet, a few less weekend blowouts and a bit of exercise and eight hours sleep a night has sharply improved how she is feeling. Sounds like Cleo needs to discover my old friend alcohol however while it is sunshine and green smoothies a frustrated Cleo says she'll never be able to actually admit this new nirvana to her nana or healthcare professionals because she's just you know can't give them the satisfaction so she's just gonna keep plowing on with the health regime in secret. I don't know Cleo just tell your grandma it'll make her happy.
Let's finish up with some sports news and we've got a report here which says that there is not much of a fucking vibe in Newie right now. Not much of a vibe at all of course talking about the impact the struggling Newcastle Knights have had on the town. Yeah and a bit of context to this one in previous years the Knights have really shot out of the blocks at the start of the season and chalked up some good strong wins. That's led to fans in coal country feeling ecstatic about their team and having high hopes for the year ahead. However this year it's been the opposite with the sputtering Knights getting towed up each week including a very embarrassing 50 to 2 thumping at the hands of the Melbourne Storm. Not what you want on a Sunday afternoon up there in Newcastle. No but the Newcastle Jets did have a draw this week so I guess they're starting to turn things around up there. They scored more points the Newcastle Jets than the Newcastle Knights which for anyone who knows anything about sport. I think they did but a difficult feat mate it's arguably the most damaging storm this one from Melbourne in the region since the one that pushed the Pasha Balka up onto the beach. So that's resulted in a bit of a loss of vibe as you can imagine in this steel city. It's very very glum there at the moment heading into winter. Because I think the thing was a few years ago when they were winning wooden spoons all their fans are expecting them to be shit but now they've actually got a lot of good players it's quite frustrating but as a West Tigers fan two weeks is a long time in rugby league who knows where we'll be.
I guess this is just what happens when your entire club and all the players spend about a month trying to figure out which club the full back will move to next year. It turns out Kaelan Ponger is staying so everyone can shut up and focus on playing football. There you go wise words from Clancy Overall. Let's hope it turns the club around and that's all we've got time for this week.
Have a good weekend. Bye bye. Have fun. Hurrah. |
dropout | Spit_In_Your_Hand_To_Honor_the_Troops_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Mrs. Ping Pong. And I'm Fiona.
As always, I'm not going to say my last name because I'm currently in witness protection due to a burglary. I saw two gang members commit in New Orleans on June 16th, 2007. Their names are Thaddeus and Abraham, and it happened outside of the Kingston Mall. This was back when I was living at 35 East Houser with my sis- With my sister Dakota Mosley, who drives a red Hyundai Elantra license plate.
6M9K4HGF. Glad you're safe, Fiona. Now today's top story.
What's the latest dance craze sweeping the nation? But first, a devastating earthquake has rocked the Caribbean, resulting in over 40 million casualties. Just skip to the dance thing. The viral dance is called the Seal Team Six in honor of the American heroes who killed Bin Laden.
It's easy to do. First, you clap your hands like a seal, like this. Then you high-five your friends like a team.
And finally, you stick six fingers in your mouth and slurp on them, like this. Fingers and mouth. More of a suck than a slurp. Oh, I can slurp. Well, there should be more tongue with slurping.
Can you try it so I can see? No, absolutely not.
Let me get my mouth wet. That's what Ryan did. That is what I did. Y'all don't know this about me, but I can fit my entire fist in my mouth.
No fucking way. No way.
Can you slurp? Try it. I can't. I can't slurp.
All right. Moving on? Yeah, moving on.
I win. Thanks, Mrs. Ping Pong. This is so fun.
Oh, well, all right. If I wanted to slurp seven fingers instead, am I allowed? No. If you do seven fingers, it means you think Bin Laden belongs in heaven instead of hell. Oh, I understand. Is that the end of the routine then? That's actually just the beginning.
If you really want to honor the troops to sacrifice, the next step is to spit in your hand as much as you can to symbolize the sweat and blood of the heroes on the battlefield. Just as much drool as possible until your hand is completely soaked like this. Oh, I want to honor the troops too.
This is the stuff that gets me. A little bit more. Oh, it's in your beard.
Finally, the last step as a sign of friendship, we shake hands.
Do you have any sores? Do I have any sores? Not to my knowledge.
Thank you. It all got left in Amy's hands. Thank you, Mrs. Ping Ping.
All this dance talk has got me in the mood to hear from our favorite entertainment correspondent. Are you there, DP? Good evening, folks. I'm DP Knightley, bringing you the latest in music, TV, and film.
Well, classic rock fans were treated to joyous news this morning when the legendary group, yes, you guessed it, Fountains of Wayne, announced the release date for their next album, More Songs About Milfs. Since their last hit, Stacey's Mom, fans around the world have been hankering for more MILF content, and by the sounds of it, the new project will not disappoint. What can you tell us about the album, DP? This album is an homage to MILFs everywhere. If you're looking for an album to edge to, this is the CD for you. The group kicks things off with the pop rock anthem, After School Snatch, a song for any teen who's ever eaten greasy pizza bagels out of a mom's panties. After that, the group slows things down a bit with the emotional ballad, Breastfeed Me Softly, featuring Frank Ocean. That's a catch. I got an advance listen, and folks, get your tissues ready, because this is a bona fide tearjerker. Not to mention, you'll want to jerk to it. Finally, for fans of the OG MILF, the group continues the song of Stacey and her mom in their sequel outro track, Stacey Came From Your Womb. Early reviews of the album say it really changes the game for the entire MILF genre.
Thanks so much, DP. I simply can't wait to listen. We go now to our correspondent, Frick Davis, out on the field for some local news. Frick, what can you tell us? Oh, hi, Mrs. Ping Pong.
I'm standing outside of exciting new tech-themed restaurant, Mega Terabytes. Oh, that's good. Right here in downtown, where eager diners are lining up around the block to taste digitally inspired meals handcrafted by culinary visionaries. The combination of food and tech has critics really excited, and I've got the virtual inside scoop.
Now, for the viewers at home, my connection out here isn't the greatest, so you'll want to turn your volume way up, and I'll try my best to be as loud as well. Thank you, Frick. It is a bit hard to hear you, so please be loud. Will do, Fiona.
Mega Terabytes menu boasts a wide array of technologically named meals. What was that word? Technologically named meals from their Alexa set in alarm for 4.30 a.m. burger and fries combo to their hey, Siri, call dad chicken salad wrap. I'm sorry, Frick. What was the name of the burger combo? Call Alexa set in alarm for 4.30 a.m. Man, I'm sorry, but I miss the name of the chicken wrap.
It was called hey, Siri, call dad. Anyone's phone activating? Oh, yes, thank you. I can't wait to try hey, Siri, call dad.
The name of the platter is hey, Siri, send a message to dad that says shut your fat mouth. Yeah, send it. Back to you in the studio.
That's it for us, but before we go, we'll announce that today's loser is Teo. Thanks for watching. Wow.
Slurp your hand. At least I didn't get spit in my hand. Slurp your hand. Slurp.
Thanks so much, DP. I simply can't wait to listen. We go now to our correspondent, Frick Davis, out on the field for some local news. Frick, what can you tell us? Oh, hi Mrs. Ping Pong.
I'm standing outside of exciting new tech-themed restaurant, Mega Terabytes. Oh, that's good. Right here in downtown where eager diners are lining up around the block to taste digitally inspired meals handcrafted by culinary visionaries. The combination of food and tech has critics really excited and I've got the virtual inside scoop.
Now, for the viewers at home, my connection out here isn't the greatest. So you want to turn your volume way up and I'll try my best to be as loud as well. Thank you, Frick. It is a bit hard to hear you, so please be loud. Will do, Fiona.
Mega Terabytes menu boasts a wide array of technologically named meals. What was that word? Technologically named meals from their Alexa set in alarm for 4.30 AM burger and fries combo to their Hey Siri, call dad chicken salad wrap. I'm sorry, Frick. What was the name of the burger combo? Call Alexa set in alarm for 4.30 AM. Man, I'm sorry, but I missed the name of the chicken wrap.
It was called Hey Siri, call dad. Anyone's phone activating? Oh yes, thank you. I can't wait to try Hey Siri, call dad.
The name of the platter is Hey Siri, send a message to dad that says shut your fat mouth. Yes, send it. Back to you in the studio.
That's it for us, but before we go, we'll announce that today's loser is Teo. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | a_proper_revenge_fantasy_the_britishes | Mr. Squint. His lordship has had the poop dream again. Please change his sheets at once.
Do I have time to fetch my glove, sir? No. Very good. You bloody self-righteous fup!
Always like, Mr. Squint, take this. Mr. Squint, do that.
I'm for busy being a donkey's left-last chick. I'm always like, yes, Mr. Fetcher, as you please, Mr. Fetcher. How would you like me, Mr. Fetcher?
Like this? One of these days, that'll change. One of these days, he'll be like... Mr. Squint, time for you to wipe my poopy, poopy butthole. Then I'll be like, not today, you saggy, shit-filled nut-sniffer! And then he'll be like... And then I'll be like...
Oh, God! I killed him! I only meant to make a point and I've got it. I killed him!
And then Lord British will be like... I'm a businessman, so I read the newspaper. What the devil? Squint! What is the meaning of this? And then I'll be like... I don't know, me lord.
I just arrived on the scene myself. It looks as if he had a sink. An accident! And then Rose will be like... Hello! Police! Come quickly! A servant's gone mad and killed two men and... Oh, God! I think he's coming for me!
I'm sorry! Stop fighting! Just let go!
And then Lord Pooley will be like...
Murders! Murders most horrible!
And James will be like... Rose! My darling Rose! And Thor will be like...
Am I disabled? Or what's my deal?
And the police will be like... You got this surrounded, Squint! Give it up! It's the end of the road!
Oh, God!
Not today! My dear! Nothing changed! A ninja star! This is all you're doing, Mr. Thatcher. This is all... because... of you! Squint! The poop! Coming, sir. |
dropout | what_is_the_coolest_way_to_quit_your_job | Today's question. What is the coolest way to quit your job?
I'm Katie Marovitch, and I am joined by Michael Trapp. That is the one who is me. Jessica McKenna. Hi there. Zachary Oyama. Hello. Zachary, would you like to begin? I would.
My first answer is, Hawaiian Skype call. What I mean by that is, you Skype into work with your boss, and you are in Hawaii. And he's like, what are you doing in Hawaii? And then you're like, oh, I live here now. I quit. Is this like a very, like, casual two weeks notice? Like, I'll keep working for two weeks, but I'm not leaving Hawaii. Or is it like, you know what, I'm gone, and I'm already in Hawaii. There's nothing you can do about it. My job is just living in Hawaii at this point. Do you start the Skype call in a suit with a plain background, and then you have your new friends you've made in Hawaii, fly out the walls, you tear off the suit, you're in a Hawaiian shirt.
Your phone is suddenly a coconut? Oh. All of that is really satisfying. That might make it cooler. A real, like, gradual, like, you just sort of hear, like, failing in the background, you just hear sort of, like, slide piano and ukulele, and it's like, what is that? I'm hearing something weird in the background stuff. That's right. Hawaii!
Yeah. What about people who work in Hawaii already, and they want to quit? Yeah, this doesn't work for... Yeah, those people they already know they're living in Hawaii. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I know you're here. They move to a different island. I think if you live in Hawaii, you have to do opposite, and you have to move to Alaska. Start the Skype call in the Hawaiian shirt.
Walls go out, now it's snow, bring on the parkas. It's like fake skin that you rip off, and there's fur. There's a puffy jacket. Yeah, so much fake skin.
Jessica, would you like to go next? Yes, I would.
My idea is karaoke. By karaoke, I mean, of course, we know that this is a common bonding activity for those of us who live an office lifestyle. Hey, guys, we put it in the calendar in four weeks on Friday after work. We're gonna all go do karaoke. Great way to bond. Totally. What you do is you start that plan. You start that plan, you put it in the calendar. Guys, wouldn't it be fun to all go bond over karaoke? We need to understand each other as people, not just co-workers. Well, you set the karaoke bar or the private room.
You slip in your own song that you write. It's like a breakup song? That's great. Starts as a breakup song. Maybe even one that we already know. Maybe it starts with no scrubs. Yeah. And halfway through, hmm, this doesn't sound like the no scrubs that I remember.
And it's because I don't want this job. This job is a job that I don't want no more. And you slowly morph your karaoke song into an I quit 11 o'clock number.
Wow. That's incredible.
It's really fun to imagine like really pointed criticism in song of just like, part of the reason that I'm leaving is that you've created a very unfriendly work environment. You give them notes. Constructive feedback. It's not just you saying this job sucks. And people learn when it's set to music. Oh, absolutely. I can see that boss two years down the line still humming. This is because you created a hot style work environment. Hey, let me try better for my employees. And you know, if there is pushback to going to a bar, going to a private room karaoke situation, you can always bring a karaoke machine into the office. A more casual approach that doesn't involve you paying off. And then you can bring that up too. It's like, this isn't the kind of office space.
No one ever hangs out. So once you sing the song, is that the last song of karaoke or are you going to hang out? Then immediately after you sing, but I've had the time of my life. You sweeten it up a little bit. You sweeten it up so that the people who aren't your boss remember you fondly and still invite you to their cool barbecues.
Michael Trapp. Hello. Would you like to go ahead? Oh, sure.
Smoke bomb, smoke bomb, smoke bomb. Look, when you go through the process of quitting a job, you know, it's not just that initial conversation of like, hey, I'm leaving. There's logistics to figure out. You have to go through an exit interview. They're often a little awkward and probably just the coolest way to leave anything generally would be with like a like big pop of smoke and then just being gone. And like every conversation you have with coworkers after that, it's like, hey, I heard you're leaving. Like what's going on? It could just sort of be like, instead of having that conversation over and over again, smoke bomb out.
I don't consider myself athletic. How long would the cover of smoke give me to make a quick exit? Is this going to require that I do a little training at the gym? Are you going to have to run away from the smoke?
I think that's a good question. The answer is probably. Like I probably have to fully commit. I mean, like I imagine I've never, I don't know if I've ever seen a big good like smoke bomb escape in real life, but I imagine it will probably be like smoke and then the smoke kind of dissipates and they just, they kind of see you like, like kind of rounding the corner around it.
But that's still cool because you'd be getting into shape for it. And that is cool. That's very cool.
You've improved yourself. You're improving your body, your fitness, probably your body image, mental health. You're getting a better job, hopefully.
I don't know. How many smoke bombs do you think you need for this? At least three. It's going to be costly or? You could purchase a lot of smoke bombs or if you're really committed to it, you know, you could learn the art of smoke bombery yourself. If you're going to be getting into shape, why not sharpen your mind at the same time, a little chemistry, learn what really makes those smoke bombs tick.
Sort of the current iteration. Thank you. Yeah, that's great. Here's an idea by the company babies. Wow. Let me tell you, this is my dream scenario.
For quitting a job. I quit a job.
Someone in my family dies, which is not ideal. My dream. Finally, my dream comes true. Someone rich in my family dies.
They give me all their money. Here I am with excess cash. I buy the freaking company that I left. Suddenly, I'm the boss. I'm the CEO. So this is a, this is a corporate pretty woman situation.
Exactly. Where you like come back and it's like, Hey, remember me. You made a mistake. Yeah.
The mistake was letting me quit because you didn't fire me. The mistake was not knowing that my uncle was dying and how very rich he was and how much he loved you and how vindictive and bitter I am. And how he had none of his own children. And the boss was like, please stop.
The dream scenario. Dream scenario.
Now here's the thing. I think it'd be cool to be in charge of the company because you can change the corporate culture. You can introduce fun practices. There could be a roller skating night, stuff like that. I think you just want to be an HR person. It seems like also there could just already be a roller skating night. No, it would be so much easier to change things if you were on the very top. If you made people do things.
Thank you. Thank you, Zach.
What kind of company are you imagining? I actually pictured College Huber.
Okay. We'll go roller skating. Okay. Because I did invite you all parasailing and that never happened. That's it for this preview of the Rank Room. Did you like it? Okay. Do you like me? Oh, thank God. Okay.
Can I tell you a secret? There is a whole second half to this episode and it's available on Dropout. So to watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Also, I have lupus. So two secrets. You pull up your dress and rip off the pregnancy stomach you've been wearing. Flash everyone. |
cracked | the_5_most_popular_youtube_pages_are_all_morons_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 8 of Cracked TV, where, if you're anything like me, you're starting to worry about your infatuation with Michael. Of course, I'm referring to Irish revolutionary Michael Collins. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People, applauding inappropriately. How you doing, Clippy? What?
No! Man, don't do it! No! That's terrible.
My ankle's swelling up. That either means rain's coming, or today's topic is, the 8 juiciest farts ever to- oh, I guess rain's coming. Uh, you know what? I didn't really prepare for, um, no. No, you know what? I'm a professional. I'll wing it. Clippy, bring me the 5th most subscribed channel on YouTube. Hey, without the sass. Alright, not bad. Oh, this could be exciting. Huh, one more thing- stop!
Okay, those girls better be running from the Jonas Brothers. Am I right? Did the Jonas Brothers become giant monsters? Could we check on that? I don't care what kind of magic glasses you put on, the Jonas Brothers will never be three dimensional.
I'm sure everyone in the comments is just as outraged. Hmm, they don't seem to be horrified. Alright, I see.
According to this girl's profile, she's 14. Her favorite music is rock, rap, pop, pop, rock, hip-hop. And her favorite books are Bible and Jonas Brothers.
You know what? I think this channel is just an anomaly. There are a lot of teen girls out there, and they should have someone that speaks to their geni- is he wheezing? Jesus! You know, there's only one way that this could get weird. Dang it. Universal Music Group. You see, Disney? No matter how hard you try, rock is still king. Alright, UMG, what do you got in the chart toppers, huh? Three doors down?
Okay. Pretty good. TV on the radio? I've heard good things. Jack Johnson's more folk, really. Okay, a beat. A beat is due.
Now I'm not sure where your- what? It's on. Is this the Jonas Brothers again? Oh, right. Uh, yeah. That's it. I'm calling it.
Oh, hey, it's a sketch troupe. You know what? I'm in a sketch troupe. I think I'm really gonna like these guys. Let's check out their most viewed video. Well, you know, that was an early video. I mean, it looks like they got a little bit of everything here. There's political humor.
Screw you, Barack Obama! Or should I say, Barack's Obama?
Straight sketch? Oh, I thought you asked if I still liked Steven Rice. Music videos?
Teleporting, teleporting, teleporting, bad guy. Teleporting, bad guy.
Commercials? Well, I could take beef and go anywhere.
Please stop, please. Can we please? Please stop.
I catch your Pokemon! Hmm, that one reminded me of something, but I can't quite write, that's it. Fun fact, Smosh used to be the number one YouTube channel. Unfortunately, they just couldn't compete with the raw talent of video performance artist Nijigiga. Hey, friend. Boldly brushing aside conventional notions of editing, lighting, sound. Hey, you. Frame composition. You're going to teach me how to be a ninja? And humor. See me, am I a bird or am I a tree? Well, flying so high in the air, air. Nijigiga challenges us all to ask ourselves, how many times can we watch the same thing before our lungs claw their way out of our asses and we die? With a fresh voice like that, I'll bet Mmm's recently released DVD film is as drenched in originality as this sentence was in sarcasm.
They wouldn't. They did. Ted's not going to like that.
Whoa! Okay, so far things have been a little disappointing. If I had to guess, I'd say the average YouTube user was a 14-year-old girl with down syndrome, but call me crazy. I'm still optimistic. And I'll tell you why. We're about to watch the most popular poster on the most popular video sharing site on the web, and that has got to count for something. Humanity? Justify my faith.
Hey, spread! What's up, poor Magnu? Campy! Hey, hey! Hey! Call me.
I need medication, I need medication, I need medication! I need medication!
Where do I go? Where are you going? I'm going to the bridge, because...
I don't care, okay? No, listen... I don't care!
Look.
Fuck it. You're only doing it. What could be on the show floor like here? Fuck it! Kid! Fuck it! Mike, you can't just...
Cut that. Cut it! |
cracked | why_no_cop_show_on_tv_is_accurate_yes_even_the_wire_today_s_topic | May I assume you're exporting another hit video for the site? Assume whatever the hell you want. Meanwhile, I'll be over here having just finished watching The Wire for the eighth time. Do you think I'd have to go to cop school or could I just like walk in and be a sergeant? You know, The Wire isn't that realistic.
Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Sacrami! Macrame!
I'm not saying it's not good, it's just not a very realistic depiction of what the day-to-day of a cop is like. Or a gang member, for that matter.
And you would know that because? How do we know anything?
No! Bosh! No!
He's a genius, but he's hard to work with. Sounds great, except I hate you. Any of them still combine people into single characters and have them do more s*** than a real cop does in their entire career.
They spend an inordinate amount of time filling out paperwork and filing requests. It's not just paperwork.
Everything about cop shows overlooks the staggering mundanity of a real cop's life. Yes, being a cop is a tough job, but you're not just constantly squaring off against a cadre of sophisticated gangsters. If anything, a cop spends most of their time doing community outreach. You're telling me heroin dealers don't regularly meet for co-op meetings at the conference room with a Baltimore days in? If you're a beat cop, your day is largely answering calls about loud neighbors and barking dogs. Look at NYPD. Right, last 10 years, they have fired less than 100 bullets per year. That's everybody, the entire force. But a TV cop fires that in an episode, you know, even The Wire up the body count after season two. Yeah, but as recent tragic events have made us well aware, you don't always have to fire a gun to get into some HBO style dramatic makes you think s*** with the NYPD. Statistically, a real life police officer is more likely to get killed off duty out of uniform in an accident than they are patrolling the streets. You're talking about the pitfalls of street level policing. I want to be Jimmy McNulty, not Herc, you know, a detective, genuine police.
Where is the mother low?
Then keep in mind homicide accounts for less than 1% of part one crimes, which all falls under the larger statistical umbrella of crimes. And most homicides are attributed to miscellaneous arguments. Ooh, exciting, let's call Sherlock Cumberbun. Batch, and clearly, this is all just a cover for conspiracy, so vast. No, it's just fights that get out of hand or somebody loses impulse control. In shows, they're always struggling to find motive. Yeah, but most real crimes are based on arbitrary nonsense.
Also, most drug dealing happens friend to friend. There might be some bell at the top of the drug dealing pyramid, but there's not all these organized blocks of street level enforcement that cop shows blow out of proportion. Aha, see?
More people were killed last year by hands, fists, and feet than by guns in Texas. And that's the gun state. So clearly, there is a crime wave going on. You know, people are out there carotidying each other to death. And someone's got to put a stop to it with his gun.
It doesn't matter how they did it, right? Most crimes will always be boring. You know, either it's really clear who did the murder, or you can't figure it out right away, which means you'll pretty much never find them. How dare you impugn my as-yet-untested sleuthing capabilities? It's not you. I mean, it will be you. It's just that being a detective is hard.
I mean, do you know about the 72-hour rule? Yes, of course. I watched the first 48 religiously. And I've seen another 48 hours. And rush hour. Tenuously related. I grant you.
But I mean, I'm trying to be a cop here. What do you want me to do? My job? Cop school? Wake up.
Right, so you know that if they don't solve the case based on the 24 hours before it happened and the 48 hours after it happened, they just kind of give up. That's not fair. It's not like they closed the case, they don't burn the files. It's just that 48 hours is generally a good time period to focus your attention on, for clues.
I invite you to focus your attention on the unsolved murder rates in U.S. states. There's a big swing. But if you look at Michigan, Alabama, Kansas, California, Massachusetts, it's close to 50 percent, right? You could murder someone in Kansas, flip a coin, and get a pretty good simulation of whether you're going to get away with it.
How is that possible? Budgets. Mostly, as far as I can tell.
Did you know that there are literally hundreds of thousands of violent criminals with open warrants that police will not arrest if they're further than a single county away? Tell me, a rapist with an open warrant gets pulled over for speeding, they run his license, it pings in the system, they call the station.
Nothing happens? If, I mean, if they're like 50 miles away? No.
Every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area. It's not worth sending a squad car out there to do it. And a ton of criminals fall into that category, and it's just budget bullshit. Your whole career, 10 seasons, budget bullshit.
It sounds like my expertise is sorely needed, then. A real go-getter's got to get down there and, you know, plant bite marks on the butts of hobo corpses until the fat cats loosen the birthstrings. But these crimes aren't unsolved because the detectives are prisballuski-esque fuck-ups. I forgot the one in the chamber. It's because proving a crime is hard.
You know, especially now that CSI is seven years old. Oh my god! Cop show investigations, of course! If I get the wire, I'll be a CSI. Yeah! CSI has everybody thinking that every crime scene is slathered in forensics, right?
And that if there isn't DNA evidence, there's no way to get a conviction. But that's just not true.
Lawyers call it the CSI effect. So are you still talking? I'm over here having a really important blue-tinted science montage.
The point is, the majority of crimes aren't reported. The majority of reports don't lead to arrests, and the majority of arrests don't lead to convictions. No cop show ever shows us that.
Because it would be fucking boring! Well yeah, I'm not the one considering a career change, okay? Just trying to give you a reality check. Well consider me checked. Cops are largely safe, violent crime is historically down, and crime as a whole is pretty boring.
Woohoo! What a high-octane thrill ride.
Yeah, that's why shows, you know? So real life doesn't have to. I guess that's true.
Oh, you know what I should really do is get into politics! Change that next county over thing! We fund the schools, too? How's no one ever thought of this? Oh! I feel a House of Cards marathon coming on.
Yeah, sweet. I just saw one episode of Iron Chef America, so I'm gonna make a six-course meal for everybody. So there's lunch. Let me know when you're done, I'll probably get in on that. Get me a natty bow, and a crab just laid out on some newspaper, alright? If you're taking orders.
You know you're my Hitchcock and Scully, right? You peralta me every day.
This department could work. Volume... Okay.
Hey guys, thank you so much for watching. That is everything we know about TV and police. In fact, if you have other genres of show we could ruin for you, you'd mention that. That would be a good thing to mention in the comments. And if you want to see, like, another Today's Topic about another type of TV show, or kind of anything, you know, let us know in the comments.
That's what they're there for. Well, not anything. Anything in the world. Alright. Anything, anyone comments, we will make a Today's Topic about it.
I'm really curious about turtles. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_62_kasey_chambers | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Here we are on the Batooter Advocate radio show down in downtown Batuu in Koala Studios and we are sitting with a special guest today, it means a lot to Errol and myself to interview her, it means a lot to the town, to have her around, she's an icon, she's a 2018 Aria Hall of Famer, Casey Chambers, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me.
Now you are on tour, you're doing a 20 year anniversary tour of your first album. Of the first album, yeah, because I'm just starting to get to know the lyrics of that album now, so I figure let's go out on the road now and I can throw all the lyric sheets away, let's do it. Have you been touring much, because we interviewed James Raine a couple of weeks ago and he effectively told us while he announces new tours, he doesn't stop touring. Well same, yeah that's pretty much it, it's just really one tour rolls into the next one and then you know if I try and have too much time off the bank manager, you know he catches up with me and then yeah, I'm going to get back out there again. Couple ATO tours.
Yeah, well and the thing is three kids to feed you know, they yeah, so. Gets expensive don't it. It gets expensive.
So just the artwork changes every 18 months. Exactly and this time I didn't even have to change the artwork you know, because we we've already done this, the Captain tour 20 years ago, so I just had to you know, put a 20 on top of it and we're laughing, we're good to go. Now was the Captain the album you recorded in Norfolk? Yeah, yeah, oh you've done your homework.
Well no, that was an interesting thing, because that kind of feels like someone does mid-career you know, they need a little bit of time, need to go find some quiet place, but you hit the ground running with a little bit of a sabbatical. Well kind of, but you know I'd made four albums, it sounds stupid, I'd made four albums before my debut album. I was in a band called the Dead Ringer Band with my mum and my dad and my brother and myself. So the four of us travelled all around Australia for honestly like probably 10 years or something like that before I even made my debut album, my debut solo album. So I think I had probably experienced a whole lot of stuff before that that most people before they make their first record don't really get to do. So I was pretty tired, I was pretty tired already.
You're a Von Trapp family. Exactly, by that time. Did you have to break free from the family a little bit? Because how did that come about? You know what, they kind of kicked me out really, it was a little bit more of that way I think.
Well we'd been travelling around for a long time making records with the Dead Ringer Band. My mum and dad had actually got divorced, so this kind of broke up the band obviously. My brother and I are going, what, what are you getting a divorce for? But what does that mean for the band? But yeah, obviously that sort of meant things changed a lot for the Dead Ringer Band and it was really that point of my life where I kind of went, alright, am I going to make a solo album or am I going to get a day job?
And then I realised I don't really have any other skills, so I kind of went okay, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to make an album. So what was the allure of Norfolk Island, I just want to unpack that for a second. For a young woman. Of all the places to record an album, why did you choose Ula Roode Brooms? It was sort of, I mean it sounds weird when I talk about it now, because it does sound like a strange thing to do, but at the time it felt very natural. I was half living out there at the time, I'd gone there for, weirdly enough, I'd gone there with the Dead Ringer Band for a country music festival, right, we were just booked there, played this festival like we did any festival all around Australia or whatever, but we just fell in love with this place and I started spending a whole lot of time there, I had my first love on Norfolk Island after I'd lived there for a little while, which was the captain, you know, so he was the guy that I wrote that song about, and a lot of the songs on the record.
So he wasn't a local, he was an out of towner? No he was a local as well, and his family.
I wrote the song actually about him before he became my first love, but his family, we were very close with them, we actually lived with them while we were out there. So all of these songs had been, you know, sort of inspired by this incredible place that I was spending a lot of time, and a lot of the other songs were inspired by a trip I took to Africa, my first trip to Africa, and I've spent a lot of time there in the last few years, but this was my first time and I fell in love with the place, so I think at that point, having half the songs, you know, inspired by Africa, half by Norfolk Island, Norfolk Island actually seemed like the more normal choice than to go all the way to Africa to make a record. I don't know, it just kind of fell into place, it felt right at the time. Have you been back since, or is it like an annual thing you do? I actually haven't been there for quite a few years now, but I did spend a lot of time there afterwards as well, and you know, it got a lot of inspiration for other songs too, and I think it was also that, you know, a place to get away to as well after touring each time, you know, going to this, it reminded me a lot of the place I'd grown up in, I spent a lot of time down in South End in South Australia, which is a little fishing village, and I think it reminded me a lot of that from my childhood.
So you were effectively in a carnival family. Yeah, yeah, carny folk with cowboy hats, basically is what we were. Ah, sorry.
That was where home was, or was it Mount Gambier, that part of the world? I was born in Mount Gambier, and then the little place, South End, the little fishing village is my dad's hometown, and I spent half of my childhood in that town, and the other half of my childhood in the outback of Australia, because my dad was a professional fox hunter when I was growing up.
So random, yeah, so he plays in my band now, I mean, he's my guitar player now, but yeah, so a lot of my early childhood was spent literally sitting around a campfire just playing music with my family, and yeah, traveling around, living in our car, yeah. Now, when you came out with that solo, first solo album, were you considered country? Yeah, definitely. I mean, I never really thought about not being country at all. I'd grown up on country music, I'd loved country music. Well, most of it, some of it's shit, but you know, you know what it's like, you could say that about any music, but there's a lot of country music these days that I don't really connect to very much, and feels like a long way away from country music to me. That Nashville door. Yeah, so it's, you know, I mean, that seems like a whole other world of music to me, but then, you know, I grew up on like Emily Harris and Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard and George Jones and that sort of thing, you know. But it was Van Zandt?
Yeah, I loved, yeah, yeah, yeah, loved town. Have you spent much time over in Nashville, over in the States? Yeah, we go and tour in America every year, a couple of times a year sometimes, and for the last sort of 20, 25 years, something. So yeah, we've spent a lot of time. In America, I don't really go and spend a lot of time in one town. My brother lives in Nashville now, he has a studio over there and produces a lot of other artists and does that, but I usually just, you know, roll into town, play a gig, and then off we go to another town, which is the way I kind of like it when I tour in America. I want to just travel around and play as many gigs as I can. And yeah, it's always fun.
So what are some of the differences, I guess, between being a touring country musician here in Australia, as opposed to being in America? Like, is there some cultural differences? Is there?
Yeah, I mean, it's really hard to find a meat pie with sauce over there when you're really craving one. So I kind of like that about Australia, you know, I miss them.
In every server. You know, it is, it's, I mean, man, culturally, it's very different. The diet must be tough on tour in the States.
Oh, man, that kills me. It really does kill me.
I miss Australia a lot when it comes to the food. You miss bread? Yeah, bread. I know, they put sugar in everything over there.
I don't know. I don't really understand that.
But the, you know, musically, a lot of the stuff that I grew up on comes from America. So I think even before I first went there, I did feel a connection with America on a music level.
I've never wanted to live there.
And, you know, like over the years, I really just still, when I go there, I just want to travel around and play as many gigs as I can. And but, you know, I would go like, I got to open up some, you know, some great tours for people like Lucy New Williams and, you know, Robert El-Keen, people like this who I admired and they're, you know, people that have influenced me musically so much over the years. So then to get to go and play to their audiences and then to have my own audience over there is pretty amazing. It's great. But it's always, it's pretty special to fly in and see the Sydney Opera House. Let me tell you, when you get home from it, you know, and then go straight to the pie shop.
Yeah, down there in Willamaloo. Australian country music was always, you know, Slim and Tex and all those other, you know, names you hear. And then there was probably just before your time, a bit of an international sound that kind of, the vowels changed in the way people sang, you know.
The example I'm going to use is Borsh from the Bush. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the way you'd say Borsh from the Bush.
But that was the sound. And then it kind of came back. There was a kind of drag back to more kind of, you know, Australian campfire sounding Bush music. Yeah, right. You know, and it was particularly the girls were doing it. It was, you know, there was you, there was Missy, there was our store, and there was that. What was it that made, you know, that kind of sound? What brought it back? Was it the authenticity of the touring and that's what you'd always known? Like, because it feels like when you hear bands, particularly Australian bands, singing with American vowels, it feels like they might be a bit more of a machine behind them. Yeah.
Oh, you know what, I mean, I've always, in those early days, you'd certainly listen to some of my stuff. And I sound really American because I'd grown up on all of this American country music. And so I think that twang was just in there. And also, I didn't really know that it was a debate as well. So I just sang what naturally came out for me. And because most of the stuff I'd heard was American, I actually had that twang.
And then, I don't know, and then some songs, like then I'd write, you know, a song about, you know, the Nullarbor Plain. And because that was, you know, such an Australian thing. The Nullarbor. Yeah, it didn't sound right saying bor. Nullarbor, it was very weird.
So I don't know. But to be really honest with you, I just don't even really know because I don't really analyse it that much.
It's all about songs, yeah. I look at, you know, my favourite artists, you know, like ever, who have influenced me as much as anybody. And I, you know, just picking out of a hat here. Two of my biggest influences are Steve Earle and Paul Kelly. You know, and I listen to them. And they tour together a lot, don't they? And that's amazing because they're like, Steve Earle's accent is like, it's Southern. It's like the full thing. And then Paul Kelly sounds as Australian as you can possibly get. And yet those two voices appeal to me so much.
And it's not anything to do with their accent. It's to do with their authenticity. You know, they're just singing. I don't think they would even know what an accent is or isn't or care. You know, they just sing.
What's your favourite Steve Earle song? Is that a hard question? Well, you know, one of my favourites is Goodbye. That's always just been one song that, that like has just kind of breaks my heart every time I hear it.
And I just recently did this kind of this weird tour, which was on the Cayamo cruise in America, which is like this Americana cruise that goes throughout the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah, sounds glorious. You stop in Jamaica and, you know, Mexico and all that. And it's just beautiful, amazing. And basically it was all of my favourite artists that you could have handpicked.
And I was sitting down just watching Emmylou Harris play and she sang Goodbye, the Steve Earle song. And I was just like, and we were like, we were actually moving on the boat, headed out of Jamaica at the time. And I was like, this is the most surreal moment of my entire life. I'm sitting here and I'm listening to Emmylou Harris sing. Goodbye, Steve Earle's Goodbye was one of my favourite songs. We just left Jamaica.
And I'm like, this is insane. My life is so weird. It felt a bit like school camp for country musicians.
Exactly, yeah. Did you grow up on Slim? Was that playing? Yeah. I mean, like I said before, a lot of the stuff I grew up on was American, but then that was, you know, a few- You also had a dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also, so my dad listened to a lot of Slim and a bit of Buddy Williams and sort of that early sort of Australian kind of stuff. But mostly Slim, my dad loves him. And, you know, I mean, not just even as a musician and the songs. Slim and the way that he travelled with his family out on the road was what inspired my dad to want to do the same thing. You know, he was like, well, I want to do our version of the travelling country band, you know, with Slim being out on the road with all of his family. So my dad packed up his family and went, let's go out on the road and travel and play country music.
Why can't we do this? You know, so. How do you think he found the time to write like, what was it, like 118 albums? Isn't that insane? When you think about that- It's like two a year. I know.
And, you know, I think about it every time someone, like, you know, in the last couple of years when I've brought out my last couple of records, a lot of people, you know, do interviews and people would be like, oh, wow, your 11th album or your 12th album, did you ever think you'd get to that? In the back of my mind, every time, I think Slim Dusty made over a hundred records.
Like, I'm way behind. I've got to catch up.
With like 15, 20 songs on each. I know. Yeah. It's insane.
But all the songs have the same chords. They do. And they all sound the same. But they all sounded great. The words are different.
That's the thing. It was about 120 different towns they went to. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of towns in Australia to sing about. Doo and Bandy. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Can't follow. Yeah. In Charleville. Yeah. There's only that many towns that you can write a song about. How has that been?
Because you've got kids that I'm guessing don't come on cruise ships with you in Jamaica.
They do. And they did. All right. Right. Yeah. They all did. You're just carrying on the tradition, on the road with the family? Yeah.
I mean, for the most part, maybe my parents were a little bit more patient than I am because my kids annoy the hell out of me when I'm out in the room. They annoy me at home, too, actually. I'm not being fair. They're annoying at home and on the road.
Let's face it. It sounds like your parents put you to a bit more work, though. Yeah. Is that the difference? I reckon so, yeah.
Well, I don't know how my parents did it. They did it without even having iPads to shove in our face.
And here's your babysitter. You know, look, I'm really lucky. The kids come out on the road with me a whole lot. And I also have a really great support group with my family to help out at home and on the road and their dads and all of that. So I'm pretty lucky with all of the people I have around me. I couldn't do it without them. And look, I'm like any normal working mum, you know?
Some days you feel like you're smashing it and you could take on the world and everything's going great. And then sometimes you're just rocking back and forth in the fetal position going, what the hell am I doing? And blowing your eyes out. Actually, more of those days than the other ones.
But anyway. Just wishing someone would.
Can you tell us a little bit about when you became a household kind of name? I mean, you were on ad campaigns right across the country. You had, you know, Pretty Enough and True Colors kind of charted well outside of the circles you would call your base. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were the type of songs that ended up on like Triple J, you know. Wallabies ads. Yeah, it was crazy. That's a very widespread, you know.
You know, I think it was very gradual. It wasn't like, I mean, I know Probably Not Pretty Enough was, you know, something that did change my life a bit overnight, I guess, because that did go to number one on the pop charts. And it was like, all of a sudden, you know, everyone did know what that song was and everything in Australia. A lot of, outside of that, most other things in my life, most other successes have happened a lot more gradually, I guess. And I don't think I really knew what was happening as they were happening. And I'm kind of glad of that now because it's, I think it would have been pretty overwhelming for me. And I'd come from a pretty simple family and a simple life and all of that. And I don't know that I would have dealt very well with fame overnight or anything like that. So my life is kind of just gradually gone in that direction.
I also think, honestly, I know you can't, like, it's not 100% that you can just go, whether you choose to be famous or you choose how to be famous or whatever. I do think there's a choice in whether you buy into fame. And I have chosen not to do that very much in my life. I want to live a fairly normal life and I like my life the way that it is. There's a difference between, you know, having your name out there and being in the public eye and being a celebrity. You know, I don't do celebrity things and I don't buy into that sort of stuff.
Because I actually believe that feeds a whole different beast. And that beast is not what I want or what I choose, what I need for my music either.
Take from you creatively as well, you reckon? Absolutely. I mean, like, already my life of just being a busy working mum takes away from what I do creatively. Let alone go to the logan. Exactly.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not even saying it's all that bad. I just don't think it suits me. I don't think it suits my personality and who I am. You reckon you might get in a bit of trouble?
Yeah. Oh, man. Well, I'm certainly glad that a lot of my success was not when social media was around. Yeah. Every guest says that. Yeah. I think that's a bit scary to think of that. You know, now I'm kind of smart enough to maybe behave myself a bit more when I go out. You also got a few CD sales in there too. Yeah, exactly.
So we're not going to see you as a coach or a judge on The Voice or on Australia's Got Talent or anything? I don't think so. I don't think those sort of things really would suit me. I don't even think I'd be very good at it. You know, I really don't.
You tell everyone they're the best. Oh, no. Yeah, well, that's it. You've got to be a little bit more scandalous.
I think I'm a bit boring to be on those shows. So what is your opinion of those shows?
Because we have asked a couple of musos in the past, you know, we asked Paul Kelly and he was like, oh, you know, just as long as the kids are happy, I guess, you know. And we've asked a couple others and there's been a bit of a mixed reaction to them.
What's your opinion? Oh, you know what? I have a very, very strong opinion of those things. And my strong opinion is it depends what you want out of your career. It's 100% that.
And I, because I do get young artists come to me sometimes and go, what's your advice? Should I do this? And should I do that? And I go, well, you know what? I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do without knowing what you want your journey to be.
You know, I would never go on them. I would never have gone on them if I had, if they were around back then.
But I wanted a very different sort of career than most people.
I watch them every now and then. I haven't watched them for a while, actually, but my kids watch them. So you see an episode here and there.
But I remember watching one, I think it was The Voice maybe. I can't remember. But watching an episode one time where there was this woman who was like 50 and she'd never been and sung a gig and she had this amazing voice.
She was incredible. She'd spent her whole life dedicating her whole life to her kids, to her family. And she just woke up one day and went, you know what? No, I do want to fulfill my dream of going out and singing in front of a whole lot of people. And she went really well. The crowd loved her. She smashed it.
And I was like, you know what? That's what this show's for. She would have never done that if it wasn't for that show, giving her the opportunity to do that. And she didn't want this career of being a singer-songwriter over here and doing all that. And I thought, good on you. That's exactly, it gave an opportunity for that woman to fulfill a dream. And it was beautiful to watch. Yeah. What did you have in mind for your career and has it turned out kind of that way? Did you think you'd be on the road this much? You know what?
Seriously, all I thought was, if I can avoid getting a day job for a little while, then that's good for me. And look, back in the day, we're talking 20 years ago before I made the Captain album. And the sort of music that I played, I was 100% sure that I would never really get a whole lot of success. It just doesn't appeal to a lot of people. And that was okay with me. I honestly didn't mind. I didn't have this driving force to be really successful, to see my name up in lights or whatever. I just thought, let's just do this until I can't do it anymore. And I'll just have a whole lot of fun.
And I remember when I made the Captain album, so I made most of it on Norfolk Island. And then there was a part where I got two of my favorite singer-songwriters, Buddy Miller and Julie Miller, to sing and play on the record. And that was in Nashville. So we recorded it at their place. And he'd been a huge influence on me over that time, Buddy Miller. And we went into his studio, we recorded his parts.
And I was like, I am on top of the world. And he said, I'm going to take you guys out for dinner at my favorite restaurant around the corner. And we've had such a great day. And I was just like, this is amazing. Best time of my life. Living the dream. He took us around the corner to this Chinese restaurant. And they had your fortune cookie at the end, right? And I'm just going, this is so surreal. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee. Buddy Miller has taken me to his favorite restaurant. I have just finished recording my debut album. This fortune right here, I am going to live by whatever this says for the rest of my life. This is it. This is a turning point in my life. I opened up the fortune cookie and it said, you love Chinese food.
And I was like, okay, what does this mean then? And at the time, you know, I had this little moment of being disappointed. I was like, no, I wanted this to set my tone for my life. And you know what? I know it sounds stupid, but it did. I went, you know what?
Don't overanalyze everything. Have fun with everything. Not everything has to change the world. You love, you do, and it was right. I do love Chinese food. So, you know, I do want to live by that. I'm like, yes, you don't have to, everything doesn't have to be the biggest, you know, changing the world thing. Just play music. Do what you want to do. Have your opinions, you know, stand up for what you believe in, but just have fun with it.
Are you a bit of a star sign girl as well? No, I'm not. I thought you were leaning pretty heavily into the fortune cookie there. No, I don't need star signs now, do I?
I got my fortune. I needed it. Kincumber Chinese. Do you get much? There'd be some good regional Chinese, I reckon, on the Central Coast.
Absolutely. I live by that. Yeah, yeah.
You ended up on the Central Coast. So Central Coast, New South Wales.
Gosford, I guess, would be the biggest town center around that way. Gossey. And that's a bit of a, that's become a hub. Did you create that as like the country music kind of expat hub?
I know, I think a lot of people think I did, but I didn't. There was quite a few of them around there before I got there. Yeah, I don't know.
It's just weird because it's a bunch of country music singer-songwriter musicians all living around that area forever. It's insane, yeah. And it's, do you, it's just by chance you don't have like secret underground kind of Illuminati Central Coast meetings? No, no, no. Well, I suppose like it's kind of the same like how up at Byron, I mean like that's where you get all those types. Well, there's death metal for a while in Byron. It's gradually turned into that more Xavier Rudd sound. Yeah, well now it's got, it's because of people like Xavier that now it's got the highest house price in Australia. It's like... Country musicians haven't done that to a Copacabana just yet. It's the opposite now because we all live there.
The sales have dropped a bit. The prices are down.
You're not allowed in there unless you have a cowboy hat. You don't have to wear it but you do have to own one or they won't let you into the Central Coast.
Little long reach. Yeah. Now a lot of people would be kind of confused as to where you're from because country music in Australia, I guess Queensland feels like they own a lot of it over the years even though Slim was from Kempsey. Where do you find you get the most love on tour? Oh man, will I get in trouble? Tamworth? No, well no seriously whenever a tour goes on sale Queensland and WA are the first to sell out. Always. Oh you know what?
Regional Victoria have been actually really good to us lately. Yes and now I'm thinking, but no I don't know if there's something about Queensland outback, you know regional Queensland. There's definitely something about the connection between country music and regional Queensland without a doubt and even I think you know like Brizzy often sells really quickly before everywhere else but Melbourne got in first on our captain tour. The captain tour went on sale last week and they, Melbourne sold out was the first show to sell out.
So I'll give them that. Good work Melbourne. Yeah well done.
Do you, was there ever a part of your career you know before the kids and stuff where you might have been in the fast lane? Like what was happening, were you powder finger hanging out with you know Bernie and those guys or Missy? It was a festival kind of era.
Well you know what? I absolutely was that era and I was hanging out with all those people but I was the first one to go home to bed. Yeah. We ask every guesses. Who was the last one to go to bed? Well I don't know, I was in bed so I didn't know. Sounds like Pete Murray. Yeah.
The whole of Spider-Bait. And look you talk to all of us now and we're all fighting over who gets to go to bed first.
Except for Daniel Johns, he's still charging. He's still going, he's still going always. He's you know he's flying the flag for all of us really.
Yeah. Now what what kind of accommodation would you would you book on on tour and is it just, is it the same same as? You know what it's it's not it's not even hotels for us. It's like motels. Yeah.
I like you know I'm the only artist in the world that rings up my agent and says this hotel is too fancy for us. Don't don't book us in this one anymore.
Wasted on the kids. It is, it's wasted on tour because you spend a few hours there.
But I also like old school. I like the motel that you pull up out the front and you you know you park right in front of your room and it's not far to carry your bag in. Big bucket of sand, ashtray. Yeah and and even like I've been doing this promo tour and the label put me up in the fanciest place down in Melbourne. And you know I mean it it's really nice it's really nice and I do feel very appreciative that they do that when they're paying for it which is nice. But on tour I like the old school.
If I took my kids into a place like that on tour I'd be so worried about what they're going to do and what they're going to spill on the floor and all that. Yeah I don't want any of that.
And I think it's the mark of a good sort of motel when you have to order your breakfast by nine at night and then it comes through the door at at half past six. Or or not even through the door through one of those little hidey holes where they open it up and they put it through for you. Yeah and they're giants so a human could fit through if they wanted to get in and steal yourself in the night. Yeah it's very it's very prison style.
Now any dates coming up in the in the near future? Anything you're excited for? Any shows?
Well the captain tour is now on sale so that is sort of my next thing that I get to do music wise in Australia. I'm actually headed off in a couple of weeks to Africa. I spend a fair bit of time over there. What part of Africa?
I'm on this trip we go to a few different places but I generally go to Zambia and go to a little school which I work with over there Australian owned school actually and beautiful people Queenslanders actually who run the school. They're the good people those Queenslanders. And they run the school over there very small little one it's only 50 kids and I've gotten to know them over the last few years and I'm actually about to take my kids over there to come and help me work in the school for a week so that'll be fun and then we actually go off and do a music safari which I've been lucky enough to do before as well and we just play music along the way you know with with a bunch of tourists from all over the world and you know lines and giraffes walking by while we play a few songs you know.
How old are your kids? I've got um a my eldest boy is just about to turn 17 and then 11 year old boy yeah he is he's driving better than me already and then my little girl is um seven.
Okay well that sounds like a good place to be is Casey Casey Chambers kids going and singing safaris in Africa. Actually that reminds me I've got to go and talk to their school and tell them that I'm stealing them away for a bit. Are they a bit worldly on the central coast? Well my I think my kids think it's really normal that you know one one day you go to school and then the next day you fly to Nashville and then you're on a cruise in Jamaica and and then you you go home and you've got your homework to do and you know yeah yeah so and then it's footy footy training on that.
That's fun. And then you come back here and your first date back here is a big red bash. I know I'm so excited about that. It's just it's just it's just down the road from here you know in Birdsville. Yep so I'm hoping all you locals will come out you know I came to your town. Well it is it's where we get our post from some days when the road's closed. I love it I've played the the big red bash before actually and it's just it was one of those bucket list things for me because I'd never been up that way before and I got to play it about five years ago and it was such a highlight so when they asked me to come back and they've got the oils they've got midnight oil playing and living end and all of that so it's like free tickets for me to go and see all these other great bands play so I'm stoked yeah.
Do you think they'll be driving or flying out of Birdsville this year? No we'll be hitchhiking. Staying in the pub. Yeah horse and cart isn't that the way they do it out there yeah.
No well thanks for joining us Casey it sounds like you've got a bit going on good to hear that endless tour is is now rebranded and it's now the captain exactly captain 20. Yep just using that same artwork again every time so I'll probably do that again soon it'll be 20 years from barricades and brick walls so I'll do it again for that one I can basically just do all of the records now from here on in 20 year anniversary release yeah give them a whirl online well if I if I was your bank manager I'd be very happy Casey thanks for coming thank you thanks for joining us. |
dropout | sage_advice_from_a_31_year_old | What advice do I have for people in their 20s? 20s folk. Uh, advice for people in their 20s.
Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got some.
Use your 20s to go to the movies by yourself. When you're 30, you'll look like you alienated all of your friends, which you have. Being in your 20s is like winning the lottery, not in the sense that you have a lot of money, but in the sense that you can like take your shirt off at any party that you go to. If I were 24, you'd think this was hot. Just say yes to pretty much anything, unless you're uncomfortable, and then you should say no. Dance like no one is watching. I mean, will you look silly?
Probably. But viral video fame may be waiting.
Learn a trade. Use all the slang you can. When you're 30, using words like dope and swagger sounds stupid. Swagger. See, I hate myself for saying that.
Go days without showering. You won't be dirty. You'll be a hipster icon. Wait 30 minutes for a drink at the bar. Because when you're 30, the only thing you'll have enough patience to wait for is the last rotisserie chicken at the grocery store. Listen to really loud music, so that way when you turn 30, you won't have to listen to your friends brag about their fucking kids. Don't you dare pick up a golf club. You've got 60 years to pretend to like that game.
Over eat and under prepare. Sneeze without covering your mouth. Do anything you want before you develop a sense of shame. Everything's a potential hashtag. Whatever that means. Live it up now.
Live it up before it's sad to live it up. Honey, can you go to the store now? I'm not worried they're going to run out of rotisserie chicken. God, I feel so old right now. |
SaturdayNightLive | larry_king_live_j_k_rowling_on_dumbledore_s_sexuality_snl | We're back with J.k. Rowling, author of the mega-selling fantasy series, Harry Potter. Now J.k.
Recently, you caused a media firestorm when you announced that one of your characters in your book was gay. that's correct. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, is a homosexual. Okay, so is he one of those gay guys that used to be married and has a couple of kids? Because that is rough. First of all, he's not a real person. he's a character. Yeah, I hear ya. every gay I know is a colorful character. now you've been getting a lot of flak for outing this guy. What do you have to say for yourself? Larry, There were scenes in the movie that were cut for time and had they remained, it would have clearly shown Dumbledore was gay. Okay, so you brought a few of these deleted clips. Gay Wizard, let's have a look.
Albus? Albus, we're going to be late for the quidditch match. we must be there to protect Harry. I just received an owl from He who shall Not be Named. Oh Albus, don't tell me Voldemort has returned. No, not Voldemort.
Jerry, my ex. Jerry Shanks.
Oh Albus, as a friend, I don't like seeing you like this. I suppose it drunked our you? Yes, it was a booty owl. Oh Albus, do you want me to brush your beard? please. Very revealing. So, Jk, in the gay community, I know that Fat Harry guys call themselves bears. what do you think Dumbledore would call himself? once again, Larry, Dumbledore is Not a real person. See, I'd go with polar bear, Oh wait, no, magic polar bear. let's take another look at another deleted gay clip. Oh Minerva, this robe is two things I'm not, young and fun. Have you tried belting it? Why don't they make an invisibility cloak for stomach pooches? if they did, I'd have one already. Albus, what's going on? you're not yourself. I saw Jerry. Jerry Shanks, your ex. Yes. he was at the gay bar in Hogsmeade. not the wizard's wand. no, the manhole. Oh Albus, I'm so sorry. do you need a foot massage? Oh Minerva, if only you had a penis in balls.
I will admit, that wasn't my best writing. I'm not quite familiar with the gay scene. you could have fooled me, I thought it was great. Now, here's another gay scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.
Jerry Shanks, he's about so tall, expressive eyes of very dry sense of humour. I'm in Earth, what are you doing here? making sure you don't make a fool out of yourself, Albus. forget Jerry, he's just a gay wizard. Trash hoe.
Oh Minerva, I don't want to die alone. Oh Albus. Oh, check out that little juicy pork chop.
I'm not with her by the way. Oh no, you didn't.
Well, you heard it here first from Jk, all wizards are gay. Larry, they aren't really wizards.
Well, that's a whole other show. stick around, things are going to get hotter. coming up, the sexiest woman alive and Margaret is here. So stay tuned. |
SaturdayNightLive | ana_de_armas_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ana De Armas!
I speak English, but I didn't when I first got to the U.s. I was born in Cuba, came to America when I was 26, and I learned English the way everyone who comes to this country does, by watching friends. Who would have thought that the best English tutor would be Chandler Bing? I mean, look at me now. could I be any better at English? Acting here wasn't, uh, was difficult at first, because I didn't always understand what I was saying.
Then I met this guy who had a class called How To Audition, which was definitely a scam. he had me read a scene, and there was this line, but I had never seen or heard that phrase, so I thought this character was literally begging. So when I did the line, I said, i beg your pardon, give it to me! Then someone else in the class read the line, and I was like, oh, can I try again? this has been a magical year.
Not only I was nominated for an Oscar, I'm going to officially become an American Citizen, to become a citizen, because when I moved here, everyone was so welcoming. when I did my first movie in the U.s. called Hands of Stone, I got to work with Robert De Niro, and one day on set, he told me, I may be going to Cuba soon. if I do, I'll say hello to your family. He even asked me for the phone number. I completely forgot about it, And then one day out of the blue, I get a phone call from my Dad. he's hysterical. I'm like, dad was wrong, and he goes, Robert De Niro just came to visit me at work. that was such a kind gesture, and I've been so fortunate to work with so many supportive actors. my dad was so proud of me, and he would be proud to see me today standing on this stage. I feel very lucky to be here. I remember the first time my name was in the New York Times crossword. everyone texted me, and they said, you made it, and I thought I did. But then a couple months ago, Snl called me and said, Anna, we want you to host. And I was so shocked and excited that all I could say was, I beg your pardon. pick English.
But I didn't when I first got to the U.s. I was born in Cuba. came to America when I was. when I was 26, and I learned English the way everyone who comes to this country does, by watching friends. Who would have thought that the best English tutor would be Chandler Bing? I mean, look at me now. could I be any better at English? Acting here wasn't.was difficult at first, because I didn't always understand what I was saying.
Then I met this guy who had a class called How to Audition, which was definitely a scam. he had me read a scene, and there was this line, I beg your pardon. But I had never seen or heard that phrase, so I thought this character was literally begging. So when I did the line, I said, I beg your pardon, give it to me! Then someone else in the class read the line, and I was like, oh, can I try again?
This has been a magical year.
Not only I was nominated for an Oscar, I'm going to officially become an American Citizen. I'm going to become a citizen because when I moved here, everyone was so welcoming. when I did my first movie in the U.s. called Hands of Stone, I got to work with Robert De Niro, and one day on set he told me, I may be going to Cuba soon. if I do, I'll say hello to your family.
He even asked me for the phone number. I completely forgot about it, And then one day out of the blue I get a phone call from my Dad. he's hysterical. I'm like, dad was wrong, and he goes, Robert De Niro just came to visit me at work. that was such a kind gesture, and I've been so fortunate to work with so many supportive actors. my dad was so proud of me, and he would be proud to see me today standing on this stage. I feel very lucky to be here. I remember the first time my name was in the New York Times crossword. everyone texted me, and they said, you made it, and I thought I did, But then a couple months ago, Snl called me and said, Anna, we want you to host, and I was so shocked and excited that all I could say was, I beg your pardon. |
dropout | god_s_boss_craig | Thanks, Ariel, I'll get right on these. Oh, he's coming in hot! Gatto, Jay to the hoba. How's my employee of the Willenium doing?
Fine, sir. Sir, please, who am I? Lancelot, Elton John? Call me Craig. Okay, Craig.
You see, I was actually just reviewing some prayers, so I'm kind of busy. Brass tax, dig it! Look, Heaven's brand profile came in. Know what it said?
I do not. Our brand awareness is way down. That's not good. We scored lower than Kashi, only slightly ahead of Bruce Jenner. But we're ahead of Hyli and Fanta, so that's something.
I feel like you're joshing with me right now, and this is a non-joshing matter. Well, come on, Craig. This can't be right.
Everybody knows about Heaven. Ah, sir, they know about it, but do they know about it?
You emphasize the second no, but I don't. I'm not sure what that means.
I want a big marketing push for Quarter Four, so I can get the idea of Heaven back out in front of everybody. No, get the taste of clouds in their mouth. What, like billboards? Small taters.
Let's blue sky. Remember that water thing we did a while back? The flood.
Lingo! I love it! Anyway, we do another one of those, put social media on it, maybe get you on Fallon.
That was really just a purge humanity of all of its sins. We can't do another one as a PR stunt, Craig.
Cool. Cool! Yeah, I respect your authority in this area.
Was not expecting this much pushback from ya. Had a boss moment. Already pulled the trigger. Ha ha. Kablam! You started another flood. You know, just a tiny one, you know, just to test the waters and... Oh, God. I'm gonna slip down. I didn't mean to say that. Where exactly did you put this tiny little flood? Yoa. Iowa. Say it again. Still, you know, life closes the door. We make lemonade. The plot gets fierce going nuts for this thing. My best idea ever. Would not be surprised we got some serious Huffington Post pickup. Sorry, God.
We have a serious backup at intake. A lot of damp folks just showed up at once. Nose me, Grindstone, Mr. G.O.D. Am I right? Please stick around and help. There's a lot of people there.
I can't do that.
Keep up the good stuff. You are my Nombra Uno. Oh, let me know if you hear from Huffbo.
I hate that guy. |
cracked | 5_times_movie_protagonists_overreacted_in_the_worst_way | I'm crack senior editor Josh Sargent and I tend to expect my movie heroes to make the right decision. That's why I'm rooting for them. In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker might be tempted by the dark side, but I know that in the end he will choose the light. And in Unforgiven, Clint Eastwood might be hesitant to kill people, but I know by the end he's going to execute every last person in that brothel.
However, not all movie characters do make the right decisions. Sometimes they get carried away. Sometimes even good movies get pretty dumb.
Minority Report takes place in a dystopian future Washington DC where the crime of murder has been completely eradicated, because who would want to live in that nightmare? The villains we can blame for this murder-free hellscape is the Precogs, a trio of psychics who can see murders before they happen, and Tom Cruise's wacky band of future cops, who use awesome future copters to swoop in to prevent the murders and imprison the future murderers in a creepy future mind prison. Oh, well there's the dystopia. Jesus. The problem comes when Tom Cruise himself is accused of future murder by the Precogs. When he escapes his own future cops and manages to avoid committing that murder, he proves that pre-crime is a bad idea. See, occasionally there is something called a Minority Report title drop, where one Precog sees a slightly different future than the other two. Since this means that the murder might then not happen, and Tom Cruise has put innocent people in mind prison, that means the system is fatally flawed and has to be thrown out. It's a happy ending, because now the Precogs are free to sit in a cottage and crochet all day, while Washington DC congresspeople are free to throw journalists in front of trains and poison their political enemies with carbon monoxide. Like I learned in this Netflix documentary. Except it sort of seems to me like the problem isn't the Precogs, it's the mind prison.
Stopping every murder is worth the occasional false alarm. Especially if you don't just go full techno-fascist on everyone that you catch. Put them on probation or something. Or say, hey, don't commit any more murders or our psychics will see you do it, just like they saw this one. Seems like a good deterrent to me. Then if you catch one guy almost killing people like 30 times, maybe have a...
I mean, I don't have to explain this whole system to you. Tom Cruise probably isn't even watching this video. But it doesn't make sense.
Over the course of Iron Man 3, Tony Stark is forced to confront his worst nightmare and battle a foe without a cool Iron Man suit. Then he makes up for it by battling his foe with like 35 goddamn Iron Man suits. Finally, while kissing Pepper Potts, he realizes that the real Iron Man was inside him all along. And he puts on a romantic fireworks display by blowing up all his Iron Man suits. Then he has the real Iron Man surgically removed from inside him. Except, no, Tony, the real Iron Man wasn't inside you all along, idiot. The real Iron Man was your cool Iron Man suit.
You're just Hawkeye, except you suck at bow and arrows and don't even have a wife who totally supports your avenging. You know, I totally support your avenging.
How dumb do you think Tony felt over the next few weeks when he had to rebuild his Iron Man suit from scratch in time to fight Ultron? Or when Black Widow approached him and said, hey, can I borrow one of your Iron Man suits to save some kids? And he had to say, no, sorry, I blew them up as part of my emotional journey. And then Captain America said, that wasn't a good move, Tony. You're never thinking ahead. And Tony was like, shut up, Steve.
I was distracted by saving the president. Where were you, by the way, bonking your girlfriend's granddaughter? I love these movies. I don't know why I'm being so hard on them.
Start a timer.
In Avatar, American humans need unobtanium. The Navi live over a tree that's on top of tons of unobtanium. Jake Sully joins the Navi as a spy, goes native, f***s a bird, gives a rousing speech to unite the blue cat people against his former countryman.
Stop the timer. That's how long it took me to accurately describe 118 minutes of movie. It doesn't need to be two and a half hours. Why did you waste all that time?
Oh, right. A lot of this movie is really cool. But anyway, my question for Jake Sully's Kill'em All strategy is, hey, buddy, the f*** are you doing? You're in the military, right? I pulled your record, Corporal.
He knows what kind of military technology is available to his old buddies, who are now surely going to come liquify the surface of that planet. Two weeks after Sully's victory, there was some politician on Earth promising to find out if space jungle glows in the dark.
I can't even think of a word for how screwed the Navi are right now. Oh, right there. Screwed. Get out of your own way, Josh. This movie's based on the conflict between white settlers and Native Americans, but somehow doesn't remember how that conflict ended? I know how it ended. Badly. For the natives. Pretty great for me and a lot of other descendants of 19th century Scotch Irish immigrants, but that's sort of behind the point. I mean, we're talking about a boom cat people movie from 2009. What am I... How did I get on this? Sully's only chance here was to convince the Navi that violence was going to end badly for anyone who doesn't know what ICBM stands for.
Of course, this will all be proven wrong next year when the first of four sequels comes out. Four? Wow. Seems like... Seems like I could have just said that. Four Avatar sequels.
Since I know that most people didn't see London has fallen, let me just catch you up on this carnival of delights. After traveling to England for the funeral of a fellow head of state, American President Benjamin Asher and his head of security and BFF Mike Banning discovered that the death was actually a set up for a massive terrorist attack that they must now shoot, explode, and quip their way out of. The car's bullet proof, not politician proof. At the end of the movie, an obviously Scottish Gerard Butler pummels a man into blood pudding while screaming about how great America is. Just one man! See? A carnival of delights. But, just because the movie is really dumb doesn't mean it lacks moral complexity. At the very end, we realize that the villainous Barkawi has been aided by British intelligence chief John Lancaster.
Jack's martial badass name confronts him in the parking lot, and when he refuses to surrender peacefully, she's forced to shoot him. It's a heartbreaking moment of- Oh god! She shot him again! Why? He was down!
There's no more threat to- AHH! Stop showing it to me! It's getting kind of funny. Stop! Stop it! I suppose it's not really fair to mock this movie. The original Olympus has fallen was directed by Antoine the Fuchs Fuqua, and you can't expect to just follow up- Oh! Stop! Stop it!
Tyler Durden from Fight Club and Mr. Robot from Mr. Robot have at least one thing in common, which is that they want to blow up all the credit card company's mainframes, bringing the world from all debt. Mr. Robot, who is not an actual robot, describes it as the biggest single act of wealth redistribution in history, which is punk rock as f***, right?
Score one for the little guy. Except it doesn't work that way, because of course it doesn't work that way, because nothing ever works out for the little guy.
Even if all of America's consumer debt was stored in one place, there'd be no way to get rid of it all without erasing records that people owned the things they had bought with that debt. So everyone who owned a car or house on credit, that is, little guys, are now in a bit of a he said, she said with the banks. The banks are the ones with an army of repo, Matt. Also, everyone's savings have been wiped. When you draw money from an ATM, the bank can only afford to give you that money because somebody else owes it to them. And guess who's on the hook for paying off those student loans that disappeared? The federal government, also known as taxpayers, also known as you. So when we erased Joe College student loans, we doubled the tax rate of Billy No College I work on a farm in Nevada, also known as the little guy. My point is, don't blow up banks, you mooks.
Also, four Avatar sequels? Hey, thanks for watching, remember to like and subscribe, and then go down to the comments and overreact to something. Probably something I did, but maybe just whatever's happening right now. Get it all out! Now's your chance! Shoot for the stars! |
cracked | 4_viral_videos_that_will_haunt_their_stars_forever_nsfwp_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 20 of Crack TV, where spelling was never a huge priority. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Me, from later in the episode. How you doing, Clippy? Woooo! Spring break!
God, I want to f**k you. Anyway, according to the teleological principles put forward by Aristotle and his philosophical treatise Who Farted, Seriously Who Farted, today's topic is... More viral videos that'll haunt their stars forever. Oh, right, warning. Fat, naked guy's tiny flapping dick in about 10 seconds ago.
This video of a police takedown at Coachella tops Don't Taze Me Bro in no less than three ways. 1. He got tased for refusing to put on a wizard's robe. 2. He got tased in public to the strains of The Cure playing live. And 3. They tase him like a dozen times.
I just want to know how he ever plans on getting a job again. So what would you say is your greatest strength as a meteorologist? Woooo! Spring break! 3.
Can you guess what music video, released online and later aired on BET, caused a stir for featuring profanity, negative black stereotypes and objectifications of women? CNN took issue with the cartoon because it appeals to kids and encourages irresponsible behaviors like raising your children and buying land. As you'd expect, when confronted by a professional journalist on live television, rapper Bolmani broke down and revealed his true nature by making a series of rational arguments. Y'all, y'all, you're comparing this to Sesame Street. They literally played A Bay Bay before they played that song. If your 11 year old is watching Rap City, the fact that your 11 year old is watching Rap City is a bigger problem. What a terrible role model. I'd much rather my kids grew up to be like the CNN guy.
You did this.
So that we would be sitting on with the big booty female black woman if the kid, oh come on. You can't, you can't understand satire outside of its content. Well, I understand that satire needs to be funny. Sorry, Bolmani. Brilliant satirists are almost always ripped to shreds by an audience too dumb to understand satire. It's just like making videos for the internet. Your entire audience is basically boorish swine who wouldn't know subtext if it was stitched onto the asses of their giant sweatpants.
If I'd written the Bible, it would have had only one commandment. Also it would have had a lot more time-traveling dinosaurs, a subplot where the Pope saves Christmas, and a bunch of slow pans up chick's legs as they walk away all bow. Well, Corey Worthington Delaney, you broke Mike's one commandment. He waited until his parents were out of town on holiday before sending out an open invite on the web.
Wrecked his own house, even smashed the windows of police cars. You do it all again. Oh, I'm having another one in two weeks. And as a result, your life's gone straight downhill, right?
Look at me, I'm doing a national tour. And there was a record company wanting to do a record with him. Corey's got companies lining up to give him money. The authorities you're famous for standing up to have bought you, sold you, and turned you into a catchphrase spewing monkey.
He's famous, and he loves it. This is a happy story. This is a good story. He's a party boy.
It's not just individuals who live to regret starring in a viral video. Fox News got to be Scientologists for a day when this segment they aired about 4chan hit the net. They call themselves anonymous. They are hackers on steroids, treating the web like a real life video game. All right, calm down there, Fox. Most of them aren't hackers, and the grime that forms when the Cheeto dust on your fingers interacts with spilled monster energy drink is most certainly not steroids. In their ignorance, Fox had called down the wrath of the internet, and they soon faced the consequences.
Private information was downloaded, pizzas were delivered to studio buildings, and gay porn was spread far and wide. She thought that... that I was cheating on her with guys. First of all, how does your girlfriend not believe you when you tell her that the hundreds of hardcore gay porn images on your MySpace page weren't your idea?
And secondly, I'm not sure that blurred images of Hitler and eerie music are the best way to convey journalistic objectivity. I really want to hear the conversation that preceded this shot. Film it, Brian! Film the hacking! I don't even... that's not a tangible... Just film the computer, but make it scary. How? How do I... Shake it! God, do I have to do all the reporting myself? Well, there you have it. The most reputation-damaging, incriminating videos on the web.
These books you've written, are they about molesting young boys? They're about all sorts of things. Are they about molesting young boys, Jeffrey? They're about molesting young boys!
You have to do it! Okay, without being actually incriminating. Boy, I just about dived an embarrassing video of me showed up on the internet. Yeah! And so do I! Spring break! You have poo all over your face. How about you, Clippy? Wait a minute. If that's me from later in the video... Okay, remember, if you want to help me, forget it. Just go to the music. Go to the... |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_summer_edition_saturday_night_live | Well, a lot happened out in Hollywood this summer. So here to catch up on the news is David Spade with the Hollywood Minute.
David? Yes!
First of all, I saw Burt Reynolds on Tv every day, and he is really wigging out. And in music, Stone Temple Pilots were on tour. they were great the first time I saw them when they were called Pearl Jam. Oh, yeah, hi, I'm Iggy Pop. has anyone seen five quarts of blood? it was in my body when I left the house five years ago, and now I can't find it. Last summer brought us some big movies such as Meteor Man. he has the power to disappear from theaters in a single weekend. and Mel Brooks's Robin Hood, Men in Bad Movie and weekend at Bernie's 2 showed us Andrew Mccarthy little skinny man without a shirt. Give me a favor Andrew. call Adnan Kishogi because you desperately need to buy some arms. Gets worse. Chevy Chase had a rough start, but the good thing is I heard his band came up with a new theme song. It's an instrumental Kate Moss.
I was a bad girl today. I had a rice cake. Naughty. shh. get her some food. Yeah, feed her Katie Couric, I'll give you a thousand dollars if you stop smiling for five seconds. Thank you Shaggy for getting me out of that rut.
And of course, there's Billy Idol. Billy, we all loved White Wedding. Now walk away, right? you might want to get used to this phrase. um, I'll take Billy Idol to Block.
That's a Hollywood Minute. Back to you, Kevin. Thank you. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_dr_brian_klaas | What is Manifest Destiny? Manifest Destiny is an ideology that was in the 1840s and 50s in the United States that America had a God-given right to take over the rest of the continent and sort of spread its values and its virtues from sea to shining sea.
So it's God's plan? That was the idea, yes. Doesn't this make you God's slaves? Well, I think what the people at the time would say is that they were God's missionaries on earth so they felt that they were willingly enacting his policies rather than being forced to do so. But at the very least, you're God's bitches.
In the Cuban Missile Crisis, which was more dangerous, the cubes or the missiles? You're thinking of the Cuban Missile Crisis, which refers to Cuba, which is a country off the coast of the United States near Florida. Isn't a cube a terrible shape for a missile? It'd be more like a brick.
The Civil War tore America apart, didn't it? Brother turned on brother. Did anyone get so conflicted they turned on themselves? I don't think so. There may have been some very strong debates within individuals of which side to join. And I think that could be what you're perhaps referencing.
How come people say it was the first modern war when you can see from the photos it was ages ago? Well, it's interesting you reference the photos because it's the first war that photography really played a part. It was something where photographs were part of the conflict and documenting the violence. Must have been quite exciting going to Snappy Snaps afterwards and seeing which ones had turned out and which ones hadn't. The Cold War is quite complicated, isn't it?
Should we definitely bother mentioning it in this or could we just give it a miss? It defines most of the second half of the 20th century, so I think you should probably include it. Oh, right. OK.
Who was Abraham Lincoln and why did he have all those weird tattoos on his tummy? I have no idea what you're referring to with the tattoos, but he is a US president revered as probably the best US president. Apparently he had like a snowman and a robin tattooed on his tummy. And the robin had a moustache. I genuinely have no idea what you're referring to.
How come Americans have the right to kill anyone they want with a gun? Well, they don't. Murder is illegal in the United States, but they do have the right to own weapons. They have the right to bear arms.
Correct. But bears don't have arms. They do, actually. Oh, do they? I thought they were legs. Well, I'm not a biologist, but I suppose that when they stand up, they're probably arms.
John F Kennedy won the Cuban Missile Crisis. Why did he shoot himself afterwards? Well, he didn't. He negotiated a settlement to the Cuban Missile Crisis with the Soviet leader, Nikita Khrushchev, and then after that, he ended up being assassinated in Dallas, Texas, in 1963, unfortunately, but he didn't fire the bullet. Right. It's ironic that he was so concerned about Cuban missiles when it was a gun in Texas he should have been worried about.
I bet he was kicking himself after he was shot. Abraham Lincoln was shot in the theatre box, wasn't he? Where is that on the body? Oh, I think you're referring to the physical location he was in when he was shot, which was in the presidential box at Ford's Theatre in Washington, DC. And why was he shot? Was it because he wouldn't take his hat off? Because that's quite annoying in the theatre, isn't it, when someone's in front of you with a hat on? Well, he was in the presidential box, so there wasn't anyone behind him, as far as I know, but he was shot by a man named John Wilkes Booth, who was a believer in the Confederacy. How did being shot in the head affect Lincoln's ability to lead? Well, it ended it because he died about 12 hours after he was shot.
So he couldn't carry on? He couldn't, no. Not as a corpse, unfortunately. |
CrackerMilk | you_have_to_solve_his_riddles_to_stay_alive | Stop right there!
You must answer my riddles if you want to pass through here. If you fail, I will eat your bones. First riddle, something that lives in a cavernous space.
Ah, very good! Yeah!
Really? That is a long time. What do you mean?
These are your riddles. Third riddle!
My penis burns! You have an STI. You are disgusting! You just go. You're such a weirdo.
Hey baby, yeah you might want to get checked.
Really? That is a long time. What do you mean?
These are your riddles. Third riddle!
My penis burns! You have an STI. You are disgusting! You just go. You're such a weirdo.
Hey baby, yeah you might want to get checked. |
TheOnion | Report_Every_Potential_2040_President_Already_Unelectable_Due_To_Facebook | Welcome back to the War for the White House bunker. A troubling new report from the Shuttleworth Institute shows that due to Facebook, every potential candidate for the 2040 presidential race, no matter how smart or accomplished, is now completely unelectable. I'm standing in the 2012 Democrat grid with Jason Copeland. Jason, walk us through this. Yeah, we're looking at really a political crisis here. I mean, this is an alarming new study. Take a look at one of the candidates that the study points out.
This is Trevor Kaufman. Okay. He's out of Houston, Texas. High school class president. Yeah. Spends 10 hours a week volunteering. Got a full scholarship to Duke University. He sounds like leadership potential. Well, but take a look at his Facebook photo album, and you can see him smoking marijuana out of a lacrosse stick case his roommate converted into a six-foot-tall bong they called Goliath. Okay, that will definitely come back to haunt him if he runs for office. Most definitely.
And the study cites even more dire outlooks for potential female candidates. Really? 89% of women under 25 are tagged in at least one photograph, French kissing two of their friends, or passed out on a bathroom floor in just their underwear.
Wow, that won't look good in an attack ad, but we're not just talking about photographs here, are we, Jason? No, no, we are not.
In fact, the study points out that every word a potential candidate writes, even if it's 20, 25 years ago, is going to be used against them by their political opponents in the future. Okay. So these kids need to understand that even if you call one single friend of yours a Jew whore, even if it's a joke, that's it. You can't run for president.
Right, now I understand that both major parties have leapt into action. Tell us about that. Yeah, this is interesting. The Democrats are currently searching basements and creepy backyard sheds in search of somebody who was kidnapped at a young enough age that they have no online presence. That is a very interesting tactic. Could be an option, and the GOP has been looking at this young man.
This is 20-year-old Jeevis Jones. He's currently living in Appalachia with his fundamentalist Christian grandmother and no electricity. So Jeevis has no Facebook page. Jeevis does not. In fact, he's completely illiterate, and the Republican Party has begun grooming him for a possible candidacy in 2036.
All right, well, at least there's someone. Thank you, Jason Copeland. Thanks, Andrea.
Now, in related news, former White House advisor David Axelrod is advocating getting rid of the presidency altogether. He suggests that instead of having elections, whoever becomes mayor of the Washington Monument on Foursquare gets to lead the country. We'll talk to him later in the hour. |
dropout | death_is_undignified | From Gangum to Gargoyle, nerds are passionate about- I'm just kidding. Hello everyone and welcome to the CH Podcast. This is not an episode of Um, Actually. This is just simply four nerds talking for a different reason. What? I'm not a nerd. Katie?
Four freaking nerds.
I was a dog. What? What did you play? Uh, I don't know.
Uh, can we play this for- cello? No, no, no. No, but, um, my class ring, they accidentally put a cello on it. Did he accidentally put a cello on it?
I didn't know. Don't look at me like I guessed something. Katie made an insane mental leap from a random word I said to- Uh, no, that's true. And I, uh, I don't know why I got one. I never wore it, but it did have a cello on it.
I could probably find it and bring it to work. Yeah, please bring it in. Yeah, we got to follow this thread to wherever it goes. We got to unravel this.
Who else? Did you guys get class rings? I definitely didn't. I think you could buy one, but I was like- No, no, it was an option. Definitely. Yeah.
It was like $800. No, mine was under $100.
Can you imagine just wearing it? Like, if you wear a class ring, cool, but- Walk it back. Walk it right back. Sure. If you work at the gas station and you wear your class ring and you're married and you wear it instead of your wedding ring, that's fine.
It's cool.
I didn't attend, uh, middle school or high school. And so- What?
He's 13. I'm 13. Oh my God. I wasn't years old.
No, I didn't attend. I didn't attend middle school or high school. Uh, and when I, I, I went to the only colleges I went to, I don't think I had class or SVA didn't have one.
And SUNY Ulster, I graduated from, I graduated from, I got an associates there when I was 17 and I threw my, the graduation, it was like a community college. Like continuing education. And me and my brother went when we were young, like high school age, which a lot of homeschoolers did. And at graduation, we had the whole class there. But again, it's a community college, you know, it had just joined SUNY.
So there, it wasn't like a huge, it was like, we were out. It was a beautiful day. And at the end it was like, we pronounce you the class of 2000. And I think it was 2005.
And I went, whoa, and threw my mortar board up in the air in a sea of rogue people. One mortar board. I was like, whoa. A single, literally the only mortar board that went up and kind of came down silently and was like, ow, and just like hit somebody.
If I was fucking, if I was going to community college, like I'm just going to do my time, like, you know, keep my head down, transfer something. And a 17 year old was also there. And then on top of it, they like, we're trying to have like their big moment. I would have creamed ya. Well, here's the thing, Allie, I did not find the mortar board. So someone did take, someone did absolutely go, I'm keeping this fucking hot. Fuck that kid, I'm keeping this hot.
Wait, what? I guess, I guess I'm, I wouldn't wear my class ring because I didn't really do anything that would look cool on the ring. What did you do? Do they change what is on your ring?
It's kind of like a letterman's jacket. Like you got to pick different aspects. You choose what you want.
What's your birthstone? What's everyone's birthstone?
I'm January. We're January.
Is that, is that tourmaline or? I have no idea.
It sounds like class rings are meant to have powers. Yeah. Like you could shoot music at people out here. This is my middle class ring. All the powers being in the middle class.
I'm Zach. I feel like I forgot to, are we introducing ourselves?
Oh yeah, I was right. You're totally right.
Say your name, what you would have been on your class ring and your birthstone. Let's go around. Why don't we start with you? Okay, we'll start with me.
Katie Marovitch.
Garnet.
Is my birthstone. My birthday is January 26, so it's coming up. Or depending on when this is, it has already passed.
And I got a cello. What was that actually on your class ring? Cello. I don't remember what I wanted, but I didn't do any activity. You did not fill anything out and they were like, we'll just give her a cello.
No, I'm sure that, I don't know what happened, but. My name is Allie. My birthstone, I also don't know.
This was a bad question. No, this is great.
What's your birth month? June. June, yours is Pearl and Alexandra.
Cool.
Pearl. The third is the moonstone.
I will also point out that I do want to get this correct. It is also made up, so we don't need to be that stringent. It just depends on which website you go on. Yeah, according to Mike.Gemstone.blogspot.com.
No, Mike. What's up? I'm Mike and these are my gems. Great. What's for you? Oh, sorry. I'm Zach. What is the order?
So my class ring would, if I had something, I'm still learning about what this is at home. My class ring would probably be some funny thrift store shirts.
What's your stone? My stone was born on August 22nd. Did you close out a Mike.Gemstone?
I kind of had one job. A parodot. Parodot. I've been nodding, but I haven't heard of any of these except for Curdle. I've been like, yes. Parodot.
Sagirite. Yeah. Cool.
Brennan, would you like to tell us your school ring? My school ring.
Larping. Would have larping on it, so it would have a foam sword on it. It would also, I guess, have to have, because I went to school for screenwriting at SVA, and I also went to school for humanities and philosophy at SUNY Ulster. So maybe like an old Dutch man stroking a beard and peering off into the distance and then a foam sword.
How big is your ring? Enormous. I mean, it covers, it spills off of the ring finger. It's a statement watch that it wears a ring. It's sort of just this bleeding crystal across the wall.
And my birthday is January 4th. It just happened, so I would be garnet as well. Yeah, it was your birthday.
We all want to know. Tell us.
It was a hoot. It was a lovely low-key affair. We had a little bash at my apartment.
I thought you were going to say a little bath. We had a little bath. Excited. And I had to scrub all the guests because they were dirt. I went to your birthday, and I had to get in a bath.
I was not expecting it. Yeah, me too. No, that was weird.
No, everyone here was invited. I was invited. I got sick. I couldn't make it, and I'm very sorry.
No, it was something. You were missed. We had a ball. It was bumping for a second there. Really?
It's always one of those days where you're like, very low-key. The vibe is low-key. We're just going to get together, have some drinks and some fun.
And then I do not imbibe alcohol, but I often get it as a gift from people because I am Irish, and people are racist. So people will get me like, here's a thing of... I have improv students a couple of times at the end of classes have been like, teach, here you go, a bottle of the finest whiskey. And I'm not shitty. It's a lovely, wonderful gesture. But it means that I have dusty bottles of whiskey in my house. So throwing parties is a nice way for me to go throw this whiskey at. And I put up this really nice bottle of Connemara whiskey, and it was...
Really?
So it was very low-key, chill-ass vibe that people were fucking slamming whiskey right out of the gate, and it was a fun time. People got loose. Damn, that sounds fun. I got loose.
Did you? Were you one of the ones who drank up that whiskey? No, actually I had no alcohol. I didn't even... I think it was maybe gone before I got there, or I missed it.
I have other drinks. I think whiskey's gross and stupid. Yeah, whiskey's not my thing.
Wild. Yeah. Katie got so loose that she... I was very loose. Well, she did prompt the entire party to grind to a halt so that a mutual friend of all of ours could tell the entire assembled people of the party that she had recently contracted chlamydia? Yes. No! I did do this. This was a wild story. I saw it happening, and I was like, Good. Gravy, what are we doing?
And as it ended, I just was like, Bye, Brennan. I said goodbye to no one else.
Well, okay, but... I did have to... I didn't mean for this to happen. I screamed, and then Grant O'Brien was like, You have to tell us what happened. So that's... I didn't intend for that to be... So then the whole party... Wait. I hate to put you on blast, and I could be remembering wrong, but I do recall, Katie, you on the couch going, Everybody quiet down and listen to this. And then it was...
She found out she has the clap. Grant definitely was the reason. I would have kept this more private. I was happy to tell it. Yeah, she was happy.
Yeah, so... He did the first thing ever. No fucking way. But... Do you see Brennan? Sorry.
Also there, and she also commented that it was very quiet. Do you guys remember how like five minutes before the show started, everyone was like nothing can be edited. This is straight to tape. I remember that. It is like 7.30 in the morning. I forgot the camera rolling.
So everyone, good morning. Thank you for waking up with us.
Certainly it's not editing to add a bleep or a quick thing where I... It's not gonna happen.
She's gonna be furious. You just have to go back in time, man. She's gonna whoop your ass. I'm gonna get my ass kicked. Well, she did launch into an entire story about contracting a venereal disease at my birthday party.
And I won't say. It was not... I truly would not have done that if someone...
It was hilarious and very... I clocked immediately. It was very funny. But I did have to like post up.
Because there were... She is the most wonderful human being that walks the planet earth. Absolutely. There were just some people there who didn't know her.
And so I think... Or he was. Or he. Yeah.
So I had to like... I remember the story started and I was like, oh, this is fun. And then it started to go in the direction that it did. And I kind of like posted up behind her as like a statler in Waldorf Peanut Gallery. As a playful energy.
But also to like let my friends that didn't know what was happening know that this was all okay. I was like, well, it looks like I got chlamydia. And I was like, you tell them. You are safe. You know what? STD is normal part of life.
And... You're a bad person. No. And sometimes...
We should normalize STDs. STIs.
Let's be normalizing them. This podcast is for that. Her name is Gertrude Stein.
To be honest, the story is about me. I had chlamydia. Yeah. Zach got chlamydia and Katie told everyone about it at a birthday party. So this was supposed to be a delightful story about my birthday party and has instead turned to me.
Absolutely hijacked. Yeah, absolutely hijacked.
And is now me having outed a dear friend. And the clock just struck 6 a.m. We're off to a great start on this day. We have a great show for you guys. We have... This is the going out.
Ween is here. Ween the band.
We're everyone. Halloween team? Let's hop into our first segment. Okay, we're gonna play a little game. Katie has prepared, honestly with her track record, who knows what we're about to get into. Hello everyone. Just a reminder, I'm Katie. Katie, if you lived in Texas, who would you have voted for in this past election? Over our threshold. Obviously.
But do you want to take a crack at his first name? Yeah, do you want to try to...
I don't.
You are really chewing that as you say it. She was so worried before the show started that she would say Beto's name wrong. She thought maybe it was Beto.
I did not. That's what they told me it was.
And then we tried to trick her.
But I do think Beto is gonna have a great crack at it.
Shut up. Shut Ryan up.
There's something about him. All right guys, can we play the game that I have prepared? Yes. All right. It's called Secrets of My Friends. No, this is a game where I'm gonna read it for you the title of a clickbait article. And then whoever guesses what the article is actually about wins. Okay, let's do it. Number one.
When she places a mug over an egg, it doesn't get any better than this. Now, what could this article be about? The article... I'm sorry. The article title is... When she places a mug over an egg, it doesn't get any better than this.
Can you... That's clickbait? What's the definition of...
When she...
Guys, guys, I'm gonna be honest. This is the first time seeing this. Just let me go with it. What? You don't know the answer? I am reading this a lot. Okay, okay. I think that this article is about a cooking show and that's some sort of like hack. Like you put a mug over the egg and then it like steams it or something in the pan. Yes, you got it. Really? No, we don't get to guess. I'm sorry. Wow. You two guess as well. Let's use this. Why would I waste your and my time? I know.
Don't do that.
I'm gonna... I was gonna say it sounds like, I don't know, like a train song. No. You know how he always describes like a lady for a while. No. Let me read the answer for you.
Everyone knows that you can just use the shell. Yes, okay.
Beto O'Rourke can never...
Wow. I'm cutting you off because I have a lot to do and I want to get through all of that. Can I just say really quickly that there's an amazing trick.
If you dump, if you put an egg, put a bunch of eggs into a bowl, you just take... Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. What? You take an empty water bottle and you squeeze it and you put it over each yolk and they pop into the water bottle. Holy cow. And then you end up with a water bottle full of six yolks.
Do I keep grabbing your... You haven't touched me once. There was a time on stage where I kept grabbing your elbow.
For emphasis, Katie would go. Isn't that unnerving? Stop. You're getting a heart attack.
Do it to me.
That's nice. You really want to win this game. What's that? Second question. It just turned five thirty.
What's happening is I'm just falling into my own head that I, less than ten minutes ago, outed one of my dear friends. Like, I know that we're going to keep it fun unless you're me. But just know that I am in a screaming hell pit in my own mind. Hey, we're going to talk later about how you outed me for having chlamydia.
Yeah, absolutely. Cool.
Beto O'Rourke can never be president until he addresses this scandal. What do you guys think this is about? Beto O'Rourke will never be president because he's a good democratic...
No, it's this... I'm not going to say, though. I was going to say...
Look, the obsession over Beto O'Rourke is insane. I supported him running as a Democrat in Texas. In Texas, he would be great. On a national stage, that's crazy. Love the guy when he was campaigning again in Texas, which is a fucking ruby red state where he had a shot. But I do not approve of his... He could be way more left if he was running for the entire country.
Good gravy. Yeah. I think it's his punk band. Thank you. Is it? And you?
A video of him dancing on a roof with his high school friend. Now, this is the scandal. He wore a short sleeve t-shirt while building a snow fort with his kids.
This is depressing. Wow. This is really depressing.
Did you write that article? Here's number three.
He threw his autistic son into the ocean, the reason why we'll leave you in tears. Yes. He threw his autistic son into the ocean.
Better or worse? What is going on? You got to poke into this stuff for us. I know you want to keep it moving. We need to understand.
Katie, you're the most Aquarius person I've ever met in my fucking life. This is a whole new idea. Okay.
He threw his autistic son. What's the next one? He threw his autistic son into the ocean.
What the hell is that? Katie, we didn't get to the right. All right, let's do it.
Paul is yelling at me. He threw his autistic son.
Paul, you should really just be sitting here directing this. Okay. Do you think the goal is for you to quickly read through it? No, just get through it. Guys, just here. I'll say it again.
He threw his autistic son into the ocean, the reason why we'll leave you in tears. What could this be about? Just like on its face. Whatever that man's reason for doing that is, it's super depressing. Look, we all know that it's some kind of therapy for the son and it'll have us in tears because it ends up being heartwarming. But the truth is this terrible fucking author is using the fact that a person would maybe try to kill their autistic son in order to drive clicks, which is cynical and terrible.
I wish we knew. And we should throw that author into the ocean. Yes. Can we find out where these are from? Here, I'll tell you the answer.
He wanted to share his passion for surfing and help his son relax. It wasn't even like therapy.
Did he even know? Did he know? I wonder how this kid reacted. I haven't read the author.
Also, autism is a spectrum. So maybe, you know, maybe he was like a high functioning. Maybe he was just a little bit. I'm saying maybe he was severely.
Right. That's what I'm saying. Let's all just remember that it is a spectrum and maybe he was at the far end of it. I will say.
Yeah, it was popping. I will say that once you click on the headline, there's no throwing at all. It's literally just them surfing, having a wonderful time.
What a fucking asshole. What a nightmare. He throws his autistic son. What a villain.
Yeah. No, that's true.
I gathered these. So just to let you know, that's why, Katie, some of them might be surprising even to us. I've been surprised this whole time.
I can't wait. I want to read this one. What happened through, baby? I'm here for any more clarity. All we need to do is stand by. All right, guys. I want to read this last one. You got about 15 more.
He cuts the handle off the toilet brush.
What the hell is that? OK. Well, I'm skipping around. Why?
Oh, they're loaded in order, I think. Yeah, they're loaded in order.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. I actually told you that. I didn't know that. All right. Why would you skip around?
What the hell was that? It's a list of questions. What the hell was that? That's the article title. That's the click wait title. What the hell was that?
Honestly, I think I would click on that. Unfortunately, I think I would. So the click wait title is What the Hell Was That? So like the article writer wrote this question as the full, and that's the link you click.
Is there art that goes with it? Is there key art?
Why are you asking me this? Like I know. I don't know if it's included. It's not included on this list of questions. Do you think that is more like a click bait article that would be on a porn website or like a conservative website? I think it's because that would. Well, what my hell. Yeah.
Depending on what the key art was, I would definitely be excited to click on that. What do I mean the funniest key art?
I think it's got the whole of that. Oh, I have it.
It's a very old man with a long beard and a nightcap with a little Victorian candle shooting up out of bed.
I'd click that in a heartbeat. I want to see like a really beautiful blue butterfly.
What the hell was that? What I think it is is like night vision from like one of those deer stand cameras of like a goat creature. Like when it's like maybe like a weird animal that you maybe doesn't exist or whatever. And you're like that could be a weird kind of goat. No, that goat is big. It's neck is long. What is that goat?
The answer. Do you guys want the answer?
Yeah. No, I don't. Donald Trump made a press briefing about the border wall with little notice. Yeah. Wow. This is really quiet.
Guys, laugh. Laugh with us.
The correct emotion is rage, right? Yeah. Absolutely.
I'm just a tired rage. I just want to feel the right feeling. I felt disconnected from my body.
Yeah. When stuff like this comes up. What the hell is that? Now just which random one are you going to... Yeah.
Number five. She sung this song a thousand times. And when she hears the crowd do this, she cries. Number five.
Like you've been... I don't know. Like it's been this...
She's been singing for how long? She sung this song a thousand times. When she hears the crowd do this, she cries.
Guys, just what do you think?
When she hears the crowd, so that's a lot of people doing one thing at the same time. When the crowd does this thing. Adele is singing... They're singing along with her. I think Adele, they're all barfing.
I think I've seen this one. Zach, you got it. Zach got it. I'm going to say... Okay. What's that? Oh, Zach got it? Zach got it.
But you can still sing. No. There is no point yet. Okay. Let's continue.
Answer, well performing at the Royal Albert Hall. Adele was brought to tears when the audience did something really amazing. They sang along. She started singing her chart top or someone like you and they sang along in perfect unison.
You know what? I more want to know, Zach, why had you already read that article? I think I've seen that. I mean, and then it's a picture of Adele. There's no more. I didn't click on it. You just got the vibe. I actually have seen that clip.
It is beautiful. Really? Aww. Adele is crying. What could they possibly do? Thousands of people that would recognize this one thing. It's fake.
Throw up as one. All right, guys. Would you cry? Yeah, that's scary. Throw up as... Yeah. A whole crowd barfing.
Adele just weeping.
Do you guys want to hear number six? Number six.
He cuts the handle off this toilet brush.
Why? You're a genius. Why is my voice so weird?
Why is no further punctuation after pure genius? Pure genius. Just a floating pure genius.
Oh, I didn't realize you guys could see with... All right. Sorry.
So I'm wondering what he keeps. Does he keep the handle or does he keep the brush? He cuts the handle off this brush. Why? Pure genius. Or else he gets the hose again. What do you guys think? He puts the motion on the brush. He cuts the handle off this brush.
Why? Now I can only hear it in that case. Pure genius. Why? Pure genius. Why?
He cuts the handle off the brush.
I'm going to say that what... Strangely, they've actually already answered the question. Yeah, right?
Because he's a pure genius. He's a pure genius.
Yeah. If the question is what device is he creating or why did he cut the handle off his brush? Right. I'm going to say because he has turned himself into like a sort of inspector gadget thing where it's all going to be a fixed tool, like a rotating series of tools encased in his arm. What was the question? He cuts the handle off this brush. I wanted to make sure that there was a gendered pronoun in there when I said it because I didn't want to be in that like mom is the doctor riddle. Yes. So I was like, good, you did say that. So the mom is the doctor. I think he cut the handle off the brush because there are so many germs on the handle. Interesting. I think he puts it on the end of a power tool and so he cut it off.
Zach, have you read all these books?
That was truly a guess. Yeah, right.
Here, this is why he's a pure genius. Who, me? He attaches it... No, not you. Zach, oh my God. He attaches it to a power drill that spins it rapidly in a bucket of potatoes in order to peel them. I didn't know why.
What? What are you saying?
He's a genius. A brush? A toilet brush in a bucket of potatoes. Paul, can we get a bucket, a power tool? I want to try this, honestly. Wait, is he cooking for like the Navy? I think probably a party at least. Do we know it's a toilet brush? Toilet brush. It says it right here. So he puts it on a drill, puts it in a thing of buckets.
No, that can't... I'm not trying to be racist, but we are both Irish. Yes, for sure. And we can both see this happening.
Someone's like, Royce, I need to get my opportunity. I just don't know if I was in the dream.
I got a toilet brush on a drill. Like, how does the scraps going everywhere? But also, like, you could only possibly get the surface most layer of potatoes unless you're penetrating a mass of potatoes. In which case, when the brush starts going, if it's capable, potatoes are heavy.
How powerful. I think in water. I think it's potatoes in water, maybe? Whoa. What do you think? That's what I'm picture. That's got to be it. I don't know.
More to make than I. Incredible. All right, guys. Let's keep going. So who's got the most points right now? Sorry.
I think it's Zach, for sure. Yeah, you, I think.
He covers a toilet paper roll. We're all picturing this, a toilet paper roll with tin foil.
The results? The results.
Sorry. My God. Let me just start those. The risottos.
He covers a toilet paper roll with tin foil. The results? Brilliant. He's making a little camera. Huh? He's making a little camera. No. He covers a toilet paper roll with tin foil. The results? Brilliant.
He's cooking a hot dog in the sun.
I just need to catch up to Zach. No. Zach, come on. You got this. Come on, Zach.
How much do you think the person that wrote that spent on their journalism degree, if anything? So much.
I got, okay. Toilet paper roll. Right. And then toilet paper roll with tin foil. Wait a minute. I'm confused. It's an instrument. I figured it out.
No, you weren't reacting to it. Never mind. I take it back.
He was making a decorative clasp to put around tubes of wrapping paper. So they must be the same kind of size. Does it say he's a genius? It says brilliant. Really? Yeah. Oh, so he's making a little, so it's like a cardboard roll covered in to then clasp. To keep the wrapping paper. That is honestly brilliant. No.
I've seen a lot of those hack videos and I feel like that one isn't. You can put them in pantyhose and that keeps them the whole thing protected. But I think the idea of the paper towel roll, tin foil is that it's shiny and decorative. It's pretty. It's kind of like looking like a murderer with like weird sauce. I mean, if I saw a bunch of hanging pantyhose with, with wrapping paper coming out of them, I'd be like, Oh, this is Buffalo Bill's house. We're off the panel or else he gets the pantyhose again.
Yeah. This is the exact audition for a horror movie. Um, hello everyone.
Um, shall I move on to eight? Out of how many? Um, eight.
This is a last and final one. I think it caps on, babies. I'm going to win. I've got knots in one of these.
He crawls on top of his dog, but what happens next? Left my heart in knots. He crawls on top of his dog. Did the dog die? Close. He crawls on top of his dog, but what happened next? But what happens next left my heart in knots. The dog farted. Um, I think, uh, he, the, you realize the perspective shifts and you realize the dog is on this man's grave. So. He crawls on top of his dog, but what happens next?
I'm scared to even think about this more. I know. These are all so scary.
Um. What are you doing crawling on top of your dog, man? Um, he crawls on top of his dog and then what you see is the reason he's crawling on top of his dog is that his dog. Um.
It will leave your heart in knots.
Uh, the dog is, uh, they're in an extremely cold environment and he is choosing to use his body. It's a homeless man. It's a, yep. The dog has, uh, an unregistered gun. With the serial number filed off. Oh yeah, they're in an active firefight and he's using his body to shield the dog from stray bullets.
Uh, no. Yeah, is it an active fire? No, it's not. Um, here, let me tell you, the dog is very gentle. And doesn't. Stop.
And doesn't harm the little boy. Instead, he just lies there. Oh, so it's a tiny child. I thought it was a man. It was a little boy.
He said the man. Does it say? Oh, he just said he.
Does it say that the dog is very gentle? The dog is very gentle and doesn't harm the little boy.
Instead, he just lies there.
You know what I feel like? I feel like we, you just transported us into the mind of my mom and her experience of the internet.
And I did not like it. I'm sorry.
Everything was like dangerous and, uh, sensational. Yeah, it is crazy.
It is so crazy that the answer is the dog is very gentle. The dog is very gentle. And doesn't harm the little boy. Instead, he just lies there.
So weird. Do people in the world have a generally low opinion of dogs? Because if you told me a child crawled on a dog and the dog did nothing, I'd be like, yeah, checks out. Yeah. Most dogs are very good. Yeah, I don't know if that warrants an article. I feel like usually it would be like the climbed on top of a pit bull or, you know, like one of those dogs that gets like a bad rap. I think it's a bad rap, yeah.
All right, let's move on. Zach, you brought a sketch in today that was never made and, uh, should have been. I don't know if it should have been. To be honest, this sketch might be completely indefensible. That's why I brought it in because I think it'd be funny to try to defend it. As far as I remember, you know, I haven't been writing sketches of College Humor in a minute. I've just been doing some stuff with Dropout. But Katie, I think, was the only person who was here when this was written.
Yes. And this is based off of basically one of those clickbait things we were just talking about. There was a minute where these tree pods were a thing or not so much a real thing, but at least a thing you could click on that's like a version of being buried where, like, instead of in a urn or just buried in, like, a normal casket, there's this version that's like, you're in a pod and your body becomes a tree. And I got really obsessed thinking about this and, like, what the practicality of that was. Wait, like, you fertilized the tree? Is that the thing? Well, it's like a picture of this, like, cocoon-looking thing with, like, a body in it and then, like, a tree coming out. And so I was like, what does that mean? Oh, I feel like I missed that. Yeah, well, I don't think that's maybe another reason why this didn't get made, is this is not a huge phenomenon other than a thing I saw that I thought was funny. And this is probably, like, sort of late in the game for me where I was just trying to make things that would make right sketches that were kind of trying to make trap mad. Not trap mad, but, like, make him laugh in a, like, this is unusable kind of way. So this is a...
So let's just read it. Katie, will you read The Soothing Voice? Yes, I absolutely will. Brennan, will you read The Foreman?
Yes. Workers. You got it. Workers. And I'll read Stage directions. Great. And it's sort of... Yeah, I think that's enough.
Should we get into this? Let's get into this.
A Tree Burial Pod by Zach. Interior, blank space day. A soothing voice speaks over a warm blankness.
Death. It's something none of us want to think about. What happens to us after it all ends. But now there's a way to live on even after you pass.
Reveal, drawing of tree pod. Introducing the tree pod. Over the following description, a graphic shows the tree pod blossoming and creating a beautiful, strong oak tree. Instead of rotting in the ground in a casket or burning your body to nothing, a tree pod uses your body as fuel to grow and nurture a beautiful life-giving tree. What could be more natural?
Cut to an interior harshly lit factory day. A work whistle blows. A conveyor belt covered in poorly organized body spills over two workers who pull the bodies off one at a time.
All right, boys. These tree pods ain't gonna fill themselves.
The workers sigh as they pull a dead body off. We continue to hear the soothing VO over this harsh environment. This process is what any of us could hope for. Your remains will be carefully put to rest in one of our burial pods. The workers psych themselves up as they pick up a body.
One, two, three. They struggle to lift the body into the pod. It's flopping all over. It lands with a thud. The rigor mortis keeps all the stiff limbs straight up out of the pod. Got a real piece of shit right here. Instead of death, think of your burial pod as a fetus from which you will be born again as a beautiful tree. The workers are sweating as they struggle to jam this body in further. The lifeless body stares back at them as they violently push its arms and head downward into the pod.
Come on! Fuck you! The body keeps spilling out as they try to close the pod. I'm just gonna... You're... Sorry, idiot. The worker tube breaks the body's arms with a loud crunch as it fits into the pod. There we go.
Hey, I didn't see anything.
As your body is carefully nestled in its egg, a single seed is placed within you. You are the tree, and the tree, it is you.
Close on dead man's face, mouth ajar, eyes skyward, looking at nothing. Tons of seeds just land on the man's face. In his mouth, everywhere, it's just very undignified. Worker one is just dumping a huge bag of seeds on the body.
And with those simple steps, you will soon be one with the earth. Cut to exterior, beautiful hillside day. A family walks forward and sees a beautiful tree. As they get closer, you see how happy and at peace they seem.
The son, eight years old, notices something and walks up to the other side of the tree. And he sees a skeleton wrapped in a growing tree. As he steps away, he looks up to see the entire forest is full of skeleton-strapped trees.
A wolf pulls an arm off one. A wolf pulls an arm off the tree.
So let me know your thoughts. If you think it's producible, maybe one of y'all could bring it back in. Well, you need a mere two dozen skeleton trees? Yeah. You just make one or two, and then you just copy it over. Right, your heart would get red on that. And we get a factory where we can break up some bodies or something. It is funny, like the visuals I did enjoy. I love that.
It's really upsetting. I mean, I just was like, really, I couldn't get over how would that ever work? What does that look like? It's a nice idea, but in actuality, it's like, oh, nightmare.
Oh, my decomposing body is going to feed a tree and everyone's going to be like, that's beautiful. Gross. My family are very into tree pods.
Really? Yeah. Because I think there's a vibe of- Really? Well, yeah.
I think that definitely some people in my family have talked about like, look how cagey I'm being now, that I'm not even giving you names of anybody. Oh, my God. Some people in my family who birthed me. Well, I think that there is something about the idea of utility and the idea of being useful. I will say that for myself, I definitely want to give my body to science when I die. My grandfather did the same thing, which is extremely undignified.
You're being given to medical students to practice the skills they're going to need to perform surgery and stuff like that. But what does dignity get you? What's pride in you?
You're gone. That and three bucks will get you a ride on the subway, so it's sort of like, why not do some good with your fucking lifeless cadaver, right? Oh, totally. Which I know is not very aesthetically- It seems very wasteful to get a giant boat-sized casket and put that in the ground and have this little plot that's yours.
I think my great-grandpa is buried in LA. I think he's at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
Really? And I've never even visited.
I'm like, sure. You have this glamorous idea of people are going to come to my grave. And it's like, no, I'm busy. You're dead. Yeah.
There's a beautiful poem. I had my philosophy professor. It was like a giggle if it happened. I'm going towards a tender moment.
No, sorry. I'm fucking up.
No, no, no. My philosophy professor passed away, and it was a beautiful- Many years ago. Too early, certainly. He was a really great professor, and it's a bummer that he's gone, not only for his family and friends, but also because he was someone that made a difference to everyone that he taught, and there's so many people that missed out on getting to learn from him.
He had this beautiful poem at his funeral on one of the printed materials. It was like the hymnal or whatever. They're all in this little cards. I should have it committed to memory, but there is a part of it that's like, do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am the diamond's gift of snow. I am a thousand stars that glow, and it's sort of like, oh, the energy that I have is- Yeah. Yeah. Of like, once I die, I'm not my body, which I certainly do. I think I believe that. Even if you're totally not into the supernatural, I'm at the very least my actions and the effects I had on people reverberating out into the world and living on past. Yeah.
That's also like when you do mushrooms for the first time. I feel like that's just like the number one thing that you take away. You're like, we're all energy. We're all exchanging energy. You're like, it's just like, oh, God. It's a fucking tree. I can feel you. It's just like, aw. I will say about the tree pod thing, I think that's beautiful, and I think there's nothing wrong with doing that.
I just thought it was very funny to me to imagine the worst version possible of how that worked. Like a weird corporate workshop. The issue here, of course, is that the corporate aspect of the funeral industrial complex is extremely gruesome and that wanting dignity for the dead makes a ton of sense on an emotional level. But also, I don't know, the comedian in me is like, of course it's undignified. Life is undignified. Dignity is an artificial thing we're creating.
All of us, as they say on Game of Thrones all the time, you shit when you die. Really? When you die, your bowels will always say that. This is why I don't want to see a throne. Every fucking scene again, they've done this same scene like five times of someone being like, I thought war would be glorious, and someone's like, hey, kid, when you die, a man dies, he shits himself. That's a really easy re-cut for College Humor, just every death.
Yeah. Oh, my God. I hope that's true. Yeah.
For your sake and mine, I hope I shit everyone else. No, I mean, get out of here in the comments, but I promise you. No, no, I meant like when I die, I hope I shit everyone else.
All right, Ally, you will. Aww. It's just great to have supportive friends. Yeah. We've known each other for a long time, and that's actually the first time you've ever told me that. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's okay. I didn't feel, yeah, okay. Well, it's good to know. All right, this is the last part.
We got some questions. Lovely. From people in the Discord. Now, if you're watching this on CH2, you should know that it actually aired on Dropout a few days ago, or maybe even a week ago. Who knows? Maybe three or four years ago. Possibly.
We're all dead now. We've all shit ourselves, and you're watching this.
And you could have prevented that. Yes. But you didn't. Find the cure.
So, some people on the Discord channel wrote us three little questions. So, let's hear what you guys have to say.
They all work together.
One. Sort of a little writer's lab. Two. One word at a time. I don't know how you would have known.
All right. I've been doing short form improv for too long. Okay.
Let's see. All right, first question. From Galaxy M. What's it like being the new cast member when you're new? How quickly do you start to blend in? It's a great question.
We all had pretty different experiences. We really did.
Oh, yeah. This is one of each. That's great. One of each. One of each generation. Oh, yeah.
I started a little while before everybody, right? Katie was already here as an assistant. Well, I was an assistant. But when I got hired, within the first year, the entire staff basically turned over minus trap. So, when I came on, Adam Conover was technically still dead. We did a sketch together, which is funny in hindsight because he immediately went to work on his show and then never stopped doing that. So, it was Adam, Emily, Murph, Pat, Trap.
I think that's it? And me?
And Siobhan. And then Siobhan joined. She moved from New York a little later. And then like six months later, Grant joined.
Yeah. And so, that was just like super intimidated just because they were all so good at it and had been doing it for so long. It was just very weird to step in just because it felt like they hadn't had a new person in a while. So, it was just like... And also my first fully creative job prior to that being an assistant and doing other kind of... With some kind of creative stuff in there and then writing for a sketch team at UCB. But it was weird. It's such an adjustment to be like, oh, my job is to write the sketch. Like, this is my work. So, I remember just feeling really kind of nervous and almost shy, which was interesting to just kind of figure that out and learning to use Slack and stuff. This was like a couple of years ago. But yeah, that was my experience.
And then as it went on, it just got easier and more fun. And it was fun at the beginning, but, you know, it was...
But you felt very much like, okay, I'm coming into your space. Like, they had their thing. Yeah, like, come in every day there the whole time just working like, am I here too long? But yeah, everyone was so comfortable and I was so reserved. Right. Totally. And you came in right after that, right? Well, I was... You were here the whole time. I've been here for five years, but it was in different capacities. So like, I was everybody's assistant and I was like the writer's assistant. So I definitely came in feeling like, you know, I was like working for you guys. So then the transition to be like cast member was definitely like a little strange for me just because I had just come from like being the assistant. Totally.
But then like they... It happened like slowly. They started putting me in videos and like I'd start writing. So it was nice. But yeah, I remember feeling like shy, like, oh, I don't maybe deserve this. But then, yeah.
Then that went away. That went away.
I deserve this. I just remembered my first sketch, like they were like, you probably won't get a sketch made for a second. Yeah. And my first sketch was like one of the first things I... The literal first sketch I wrote at College Humor was made immediately because they needed something for James Corden to do. And it was just this weird fake game show where like he just tells everyone what character from Game of Thrones they are because like people just try to like say which one they would be and he would be like, no, you're casters and bred daughter wives or whatever. Yeah. And like just that being the first sketch was very strange and not indicative of what the work was like.
Oh, totally. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.
I remember Trapp saying one of his early sketches. I think Murph was supposed to be in it. And it was about like, it was like a Viagra that doesn't give you a full boner. Yeah. So that when you're at a locker room, you kind of look like you have a bit. I don't know. But Trapp was like, I came in. Murph wrote the sketch for himself, went out of town, and Trapp had to sit in for it.
So he's like one of his first sketches on set was fully naked in like a little like thong for them to like film him in a locker room. That's so mad. I wasn't even comfortable on set in my clothes. No. It took so long to be comfortable with these scenes. If they were like, great, you're naked in this one. Although the next time he showed up on set and they let him wear clothes, he probably felt great. Yeah, exactly. Picture yourself naked.
Yeah, what's the term for that therapy where you just like, you're afraid of snakes? Our therapy is a bunch of snakes. Yeah, exposure therapy. Exposure therapy, yeah. You're literally exposure therapy.
Immersion blender. Immersion languages.
Yeah. It's funny that all of us, or I don't know about you, but like had kind of like at the beginning felt a little uncomfortable almost, or like, you know, needed time to adjust. Did you have that as well? Oh, did I need time to adjust? Or did you feel like comfortable when you first came in? Because you had kind of a weird situation, too, because you were working. I'm similar to you in terms of that I had been working here in a non-cast member capacity prior to being invited onto the cast.
I actually, well, I had a fun, yeah, I was writing the questions for a bunch of the unactualies with Trap for many months, and then, can I say? One of the, a show that we're doing for Dropout that I don't know if it has been announced yet needed a writer's room. I'm putting the person in the writer's room for nerdy stuff, and they were like, Brennan, you're a fucking dork, get in there.
And then I did that. And then there was one other thing that had kind of started up. I whispered troopers. I don't know if we could say that, but... Well, you just... But I whispered it, and everyone heard it, I'm sure.
It was in the announcement video, so... Yeah, it's in the announcement video. Ally, you truly just went to me like... Oh, it was in the announcement video.
But it was like a wettest whisper.
I'm overly, I'm overly cautious now, because I am still in the ninth pit of hell in my own heart. We've made so much shit for Dropout. You truly have no idea. We've made like a million shows. They're all amazing, and it's hard to keep track of. Trippers.
It was a really wittest whisper, though. I was very self confident. A wett? A wittest whisper? A wettest whisper. Damn it. I thought it was funny to try to whisper in front of these two giant microphones in front of our kids.
You looked confused. And I was like, you wrote on it. I was seeing if it was like, if there was a cue that was... Yes. Interesting.
So I was working on a couple different projects here. And then Zach was like, was going to go write for Adam. And so Zach was like, so long and happy trails. And they were like, Brian, why don't you jump in? Because I already was working on three different projects at the time.
And I think it was an easy slide. And I didn't, at first, I think I definitely had a thing of like, oh, oh, thank you. I'm so happy to be here. And I was like, is it weird that they're just inviting me?
And I didn't, because I had applied for the job before and did not get it, which I'm happy to say, because I know that there's people out there that like take rejections very hard. But like, it's the, you know, a rejection is not the end of the world.
Yeah. And it's like so competitive. Like they're, you know, they hired two people or two people. Yeah. There were like 250 applicants. And then two people get hired. We're doing that right now, actually. We're hiring two new people right now. And it wasn't until we started doing the process of looking for new cast members that I was like, why did they just like invite me in?
That's so nice. You're great, Brennan. That's why.
I definitely had those scared feelings of like, until we started doing this cast member process. And I was like, oh, this is tremendously taxing on a lot of departments, not in a bad way, just like, oh, we're asking hundreds of people to work really hard to submit for this job. Yeah. We want to give every single person the time that they're due. They've worked very hard and we need to honor that. But it makes being invited onto the cast from having already worked here make more sense because you're like, oh, that's not a process that can be happening all the time. It's a tremendous amount of work to review all the packets.
Each person submitted two written sketches and a full comedy reel. And there were hundreds of them. Plus supplemental. I have never read so many sketches in my life. So, and you want it. Which is cool. Yeah, we have a lot of great people.
So it makes those like off season, like, you know, in governments, that same thing of like a recess appointment. It makes those kind of recess appointments of like, hey, you're literally already on payroll working on three other things. We're just going to ask you to step into this role.
That was the same thing with me. Yeah, I didn't get in through like writing a packet. But I will say I kind of felt like I got in because I was already coming in for sketches because I was like friends with you guys. And then they happened to know me more when I did submit during the like writing process. I will say I was running a D&D campaign for Zach, Siobhan, Murph, Emily, and our John Wolf, the EP of Addams, Everything, and Travis Helwig, who was the head writer for a season of Addams, Everything. And there's no small part of me that's like, did I get hired because I was the DM for a bunch of, like just like home game.
Well, I mean, it definitely, there's, it would be a lie to say like, it's not good to know people who work at a place when you're applying to work there. But also like at the same time, that's not the only way to get hired. Right, you wouldn't have been hired if you were bad.
It's one of those weird things where from the outside when people are like, let me tell you kid, it's all about who you know. That's a great voice. Thank you. Then you go like, oh, it's fucking nepotism and it's networking. But on the flip side of that, there is also an element where between multiple really qualified individuals, you go with the person you want to hang out with.
Like we even had, we had like a midnight shoot for all those shining things. Oh, we had like an all nighter. Yeah, our call time's like midnight and you're about to go through the whole middle of the night with someone.
Like I don't want to hang out with someone who might be an asshole or might have like a. And without having it be even a sense of like nepotism or wanting to like have a crony, like I got you in, it's literally a professional consideration of, oh, I can speak to this person's character in a high stress work environment.
Yes, totally. All right, great. Well, we will wrap it up there, let's say. It's about an hour. We're about an hour in. Yes.
Do you want us to say goodbye? I would like each of you to say goodbye in a different language.
Let's see who claims. Both of us.
Ooh. Adios mis amigos. Goodbye. Duy. I guess you could say sayonara. Ciao.
But that's hello for Dutch people. It's not cold enough. Wait, do that. That's the noise the mask makes in Crash Bandicoot. No. Yeah, that's that one. Yeah, it's not Dutch hello.
I'm just going to look at these other questions so I know them. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, let's see.
What's a food situation like in the office? We got chip snacks. A lot of soda. Kale chips. A lot of LaCroix.
I would love half and half. I would love some half and half.
Absolutely not. You're disgusting. Almond milk forever. Wow.
All right, well, thank you so much, guys. Yay! Thanks for tuning in. We will see you next time this comes out. Yay!
If you're on Dropout, please check us out in the Discord. We're in there all the time. You can ask us questions and we might feature it in a show if we don't run out of time. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
cracked | the_cracked_christmace_special | Dan! Dan, see? See, Dan?
Okay, she's just like this when she's holding him. Just like this. Except, you know, there's a barn and there's goats all around, like, can I eat that? You know how goats are. Yeah, I know how the nativity scene goes. But then, it's all like, bamf!
Where is he?
I don't know, goat! Maybe here. Jesus is not Cuado and- Shut the f**k up! Sorry, but it's the only way to get your attention quickly.
Sarge just accepted my request to play Santa at the office Christmas party night. At least, I think it was him. He signed it with an explosion. It's pronounced Santana and, frankly, you don't have the hips. No, Santa. Santa Claus?
I'm sorry. You guys gotta go. Alright, I did, like, a few seconds ago. Yeah, I don't think I could go again. Yeah, we're on a schedule. Still haven't left. I found it this way to handle it.
That's the guy. He watches you well, you sleep. Sort of. Stuff's the first born in a sack. Different guy.
Black magic Santana again. We're losing ground. Open your mind to me, Quaid!
For one beautiful night Santa crosses the globe, rewarding those who've been good, those who followed the rules. Even if it wasn't always the popular choice, those who have sacrificed in the name of clean living and good work, Santana says, son, I am proud of you. And I get to be that, Michael. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think you're wrong. I think it's the first born in the sack thing. I wanted to wait till the Christmas party, but...
Oh, what the hell? Oh, man. You gave me a scare, buddy. Oh, God.
I can't see.
Help! Is anyone else here? Anyone? Who's not Michael? Could you call for 911? No, no one is here.
You really transformed, though. You should act.
Why?
I'm sorry, geez. I'm blind.
You're the one who screamed ho, ho, ho at me, which is very frightening and I have yet to hear an apology from you. What are you doing? I'm fighting you. We're fighting right now. Get in front of my fists. We are?
Yeah. Oh, Dan. You shouldn't have. I hope it's me. I'm out. Oh, it's one of these. Cool. I have wanted to play Santa since I was six years old. Michael, you are not gonna take that away from me.
Fix it! All right. Fix it! Okay, okay. Just back off, okay?
See? It'll be like, hey kids, Santa just got cool. Just, just point me to a chair and tell me if someone comes near.
I'm gonna be your senses, Dan. Ever by your side. Inseparable!
Thanks, Obama. Uh, okay. Yeah, we're ready, Sarge. Come on, Michael. Let's go. He's eating cocktail weenies. Come on, old Brian. Pull it together.
My senses. They're... heightening. Merry Christmas, everybody. That's right. Santa's here and he's making a list. Merry, your hands smell like fresh brownie ingredients. Did you make those from scratch? Yes. Nice list. Do me. Cor! Your voice is un-slurred by alcohol. Designated driver? He's right. Nice list. Nancy!
You have been vomiting recently. I'm guessing so you could fit into the skinny skinny jeans that are constricting your breathing?
Yeah. And you look great. Nice! You have a wallet that is all artificial leather. Nice! Michael, you have a heart murmur you should get checked out. Nice! Sure.
Mandy, you just had sex in the break room. You just had sex in the break room?
Now why don't you tell him how it was? Transcendent. Show enough. It's a Danmas O'Brynickel. All right, people. Christmas is over. So, Dan, you still Santa?
No, Michael. No, I'm not.
Well, good. I can give you your present then. Considering that you didn't even know what Christmas was a few hours ago, it doesn't give me a whole lot of confidence that... Did you re-give the thing that I got you? Not all of it.
What? Check it out. What is this?
Bear mace? More bear mace? What am I gonna do with more bear mace?
Not what you do with it. Michael, no! Dan, I know I give you a hard time sometimes with my shenanigans.
So, buddy, this one's for you. Wow. That's actually a really great gift. I just felt left out. All right, buddy. Let's get out of here. |
dropout | why_every_new_macbook_needs_a_different_goddamn_charger | The new MacBook Air is the most sophisticated laptop ever created. Every element is expertly designed, from the high-resolution Retina display to the edge-to-edge keyboard and, of course, a power charging port that we changed for no goddamn reason. You wouldn't think something so simple would need to be updated every fucking time we release a new computer, but you're wrong. It's very important that this port has seven pins instead of eight, or some bullshit like that.
The new MacBook charger does the exact same thing as the old charger. The only difference is now you can't borrow a friend's when you forget yours. Instead, you will ask, do you have the new MacBook charger? And they'll say some shit like, I have the new one, but not the new, new one. I think Rachel has one of those chargers, but Rachel's charger is second generation.
Shames looks like it might work, until you realize that we changed the port halfway through this commercial. You may ask yourself why, why are you doing this? The old one was fine, because fuck you. That's why. The next MacBook is just going to be a solid metal cube with no ports. So figure that out. Oh, what? We changed it again. It's a USB port, I guess? Sure, why not? You can plug your iPhone directly into it, unless we change the iPhone port, which we absolutely fucking will.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | stress_treatment_a_sexy_lesbian_doctor_s_orders | Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess. With me, as always, is the beautiful Rekha.
Thank you so much for joining us. You know all the ways to join us. You can catch us on all the places where you catch your podcasts, on CH2, but if you want to be the first to hear it, you got to be on Dropout, Subscribe to Dropout, where you can see not only this podcast, all of our podcasts, as well as all of our awesome shows, D20, What the Fuck 101, Total Forgiveness just came out, or by the time this comes out maybe the grand finale, so we're all excited for that. We also have a Discord, a channel on there where you guys can talk directly to us. It's one of our favorite parts of it. We love chatting with you guys.
I got some quotes, as always, from Kev Bow. I actually didn't specifically wrote what he said because it was so sweet and touching, and I didn't want to share his personal life, but he just said that him and his wife listened to it together, and it brings them closer, and it just truly warmed my heart, and I thought it was so cool. I have another one from Room Magic, and I hope it's not like, yeah, it's similar. It's just like, I got my husband addicted to Erotic Book Club, and now we watch it together. Ah! I love it. It's so beautiful.
Name your babies Jess and Rekha. Yes. You're having twins. You're all having twins.
Lava Hot posed a question about what good vaginal adjectives would be, and I wrote down some top contenders, moist ago too, Flushcicle, Damp Cavern, Slip and Slide, Nature's Pocket, Nature's Hot Pocket. Yum. Nature's Hot Pocket with broccoli and cheese. Burned the roof of your mouth.
That was Weeblord, wrote my favorite. I thought he deserved a little shout out. There's some beautiful fan art of Trap as a shitty bitch. You'll remember Trap from our Wet for Nessie episode, kind of the cult classic episode.
And then someone on YouTube commented, everyone there is gay. They're always mocking heterosexual relationships. I did just want to comment, in not even a mean way, we're not all gay. I am bi, and some guests are different orientations. And if it seemed like we were mocking heterosexual relationships, I do apologize, sincerely.
That's not my intention. If you were just maybe throwing a bit of hyperbole out there, then maybe that's the case too. But I just wanted to comment on that. Yeah, that's great. I'm not above saying sorry if that's something that I did.
Wow, Jess. Wow. That's really beautiful.
I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.
And she apologizes. And she does apologize. And I apologize.
Jess, we have some awesome guests here today, don't we? We do. We absolutely do.
Well, first our book was Stress Treatment by Olivia Ruin. It was a lesbian, medical, first time.
So kind of a triple threat. It's sort of a triple threat. In the erotic world. If you can do those three things, you will nail it in Hollywood.
And we knew we had to get some experts in here who had some insight into the psyche of these two characters. So we are so lucky to have with us an expert in being a patient. I believe you went to the doctor recently.
Yes, I did. Yes, we have with us Kendra. Great. I hope you really shed some light on what that experience was like during this. Yeah. I go to the doctor a lot. Wow. Because I think things are always wrong with me and I want to get checked out and make sure that they're not. Yeah. That's incredible. That's really good. I have a lot of experience. Yeah, that's terrific. Yes.
And your experience with erotic books. Is this your first time? This is my first time. Welcome. And this is their first time.
Exactly. So what are the genre? We shared this together. Damn. That's beautiful. And we also have another expert here, a medical expert, right? Yeah. Yes.
Please welcome Kalila. Hey, I'm Kalila. I'm close. Kalila. Yes, I'm so sorry. Kalila.
Yes. Yeah.
So I went to medical school and I can't say that I ever fingered a patient. That's not true. Not like that.
Wait, wait, wait. All right.
I'm talking about my gynecology rotation. It wasn't like that though. It wasn't sexual. You have to stick your fingers in there. Wow. Yeah. Well, this wasn't sexual either. This was for treatment.
Right.
Well, we'll get into that. So you are legitimately a medical expert, which is fantastic. So you can shed light on the doctor perspective, whereas Kendra can highlight the patient perspective. Yes. And that's going to be really harmonious. Good team. Teamwork. And that brings us to stress treatment. Yes.
If you did not have the joy of reading stress treatment, it's 30 pages. You could do it in the blink of an eye.
The characters are Stacey. She is our busy business woman who has come to the doctor with a head A. And let me tell you, this woman is busy. She is so busy.
She is 90 to 100 hours. What is the normal work week? So a normal 40 hours is the standard. So eight hours a day, five days a week. So unless you're a resident, then it's like 90 to 100.
I was like, oh, is she a doctor too? Because the doctor seems shocked when she hears it. She drops her pad. And I was like, oh, doctor.
My God. I was sort of winging it when I did this. It's like the usual suspects moment when he drops his cup. The doctor's like, I worked like 35. I don't know how you manage that, right?
Leading us to our second character. There's only two characters, Dr. Burnett, who really stole my heart by the end of this.
I don't know if anyone will agree. Maybe I'll say.
So at the beginning, there are no chapters. So we can't go chapter by chapter. It's kind of one big sexy chapter, one big paragraph.
With a couple typos. Yeah. Kalilah noticed a typo. I definitely picked up on typos. Which meant to me, I'm not really where I'm supposed to be mentally for the enjoyment of this book. But, you know. Yeah. Unless a typo gets you off. Maybe it's dirty to some people. Yeah. This person doesn't give a shit. Oh my God.
Stacey is sitting in the doctor's office.
She's normally too busy for physicals, which sounds like Kendra that's never an issue. That's never an issue. How can you ever be too busy to get checked out when something is wrong with you?
But she is the head of a multinational, international company. Yeah. Whatever that is. Whatever it is. A multinational. Multinational. Multinational company. What does that mean?
Is that just Coca-Cola? Coca-Cola?
Oh my God. This is the CEO of Coca-Cola. Oh my God.
They do have women in leadership roles there. I think she's Indian too, which is like that.
Stacey? No, no, no, no. I was like, how did you get out of that?
Stacey is white. We all know Stacey is white. Well, the doctor's white. Is the other one white for sure? I think they're both white.
Did they describe her? They never really did. They didn't, but she's in her early, well, in her early 20s, like she referred to herself as, when I was in my early 20s, so she's in her later than early 20s. I think she's like 29 or so. I feel like they said late, like I feel, I don't know, I clocked her at 29.
The doctor or the patient? No, the patient. The patient.
I thought she was 50. Wow. I did.
I don't know. This is a prism. I got it. And the refracted life. I want everyone to say yes. What kind of typo? No. Hold on.
The doctor comes in, I wrote this, Surprised, it's a young blonde woman younger than 30, so the doctor's younger than 30. The doctor's younger than 30. Right, right, right. The doctor's name is in like her mid-30s.
Oh, okay. Okay.
She always referred to in the author's eyes, Stacey, as the older woman. And I remember that because she was like, woman means 50 to me.
Yeah. She's 30. She's probably 32. Come on. This has got to be a guy. Okay, so no. 30s octogenarian bag of dust went in for her physical.
She's in the room. The room is quite cold. She notices that her nipples are hard and she's nervous that the doctor may see them.
Yes. Oh, do you notice that? Yeah. Okay. That's pretty accurate. It is very cold in a doctor's office. Yeah. And do you get self-conscious about that kind of stuff? Yes. Okay. We don't want you to get too comfortable. That's why it's cold. From a doctor's perspective, do you? Yeah. What is the, yeah. That's a joke. I can't be true, but honestly, doctors are fucked, so maybe. Because I know comedy theaters, they want it to be cold because they want you to be awake. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know why doctors would give a shit about that. Or is it, I imagined, oh, is it was like a clinical reason, like they keep stuff at a certain temperature and it just bleeds into all the rooms or whatever. I don't know. Well, I mean, the stuff that needs to be refrigerated or kept at a certain temperature is like in a different place.
In a place.
Yeah. I don't know. Are the lab coats hot? Sometimes, you know, there's a lot of moving around. Yeah. I guess you don't want to. Especially for this doctor. Yes. There was a lot of motion. Yeah. That'd be really weird. Yeah. I don't want. Yeah.
Somebody wants to. They're lying. Man, yeah. You don't have cancer. Wait a minute. It looks like I do. According to the sweat on your brow. No. What is it? You're not telling me. Exactly. Oh my God.
I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking stupid.
But also from a doctor's perspective, do you notice like the nervousness of patients in that way? Or is it kind of just like you're making rounds like a million people a day. You like this. Who is this person? Great. Like your attention kind of thing. I've noticed when there's a level of attraction maybe that the patient has for you. Really? Yeah.
Then they're kind of weird acting or, you know, but if they're not, you know, being that way, then it's usually not a big deal. You know, in the experience that I've had, I've not gone in being like, Oh, I wonder if this person's excited to see me or nervous, but it's just kind of like you walk in and you're doing whatever. And then you sometimes can catch what they're thinking.
Kendra. I can't believe. How many doctors have you fallen in love with?
Well, maybe a half a one. Oh. Half of it. A half a one. Yeah.
There was an eye doctor once. That was cute. Whoa. I've never been attracted to a doctor.
And you liked just the right eye. Just the right eye.
I have a friend who went out on a date with her doctor who after he did a breast exam on her, I was like, was that weird? I mean, you know, they didn't make a relationship, which this is actually wrong. This is ethically wrong. He shouldn't have asked her out on a date, but he did. I guess he liked her breasts. I don't know. Speaking of ethics, I mean, so Stacey is in this room, right?
And she's like cold and nervous. And I think then when the doctor comes in, right, she says that she has a headache, but then Stacey clocks her as like a beautiful blonde, beautiful young blonde. She noticed. She's very small or very thin or something. And then also she clocked that the doctor's lab coat was such that she's like, she could be wearing a dress, but maybe the hemline is either equal or shorter than the length of the coat. Or she could be wearing nothing at all on a lab coat. Like a Halloween costume. A silver bra.
And you're a sexy doctor. Yes. A sexy doctor. Yes. Um, I did like the part.
So she tells the doctor that she, you know, her long work week and she's been getting these headaches.
She's the VP of Coca-Cola, which we love. Which we think is tasty.
This is a direct quote from her. I took down so many direct quotes from this book because they speak like two power bitches who like are computers. It sounds like an alien wrote this.
Or men. But rewarding position. And I am proud of making it to this level. Many women don't.
And I've shut up a lot of people along the way. Shut up people.
You know, you know who probably wrote that? You know Watson, the computer from Jeopardy, that like computer along his name is Watson. I bet like a Watson like AI bot.
It truly feels like that in some sections. And I got, and I didn't know if that was supposed to be, yeah, like part of the, like, I'm going to tell you what to do now. And I think that that is the aesthetic, but also just a weird kind of computer-y vibe. Because we're kind of talking about like the three subtitles sort of under this book are lesbian, medical, and first time there's like the genre tags. So like that hits medical pretty hard. Like the clinical, that's what it is. Everything felt very clinical.
Oh, you're right. It did. It was like, it's layered. It was that on purpose. Yeah. I think it was. Yeah.
I think it's, I picked this book specifically because I was like, I've never been attracted to a doctor. I know there is a thing of like, oh doctor, you know, but I never got super into that aesthetic. So maybe there's just something about it. And I could definitely see where this like tickles a certain part of somebody who just kind of wants to be told by a powerful figure, like what to do and when to do it and just listen to me.
But I think I'm a little too stubborn. As you saw it, right? Well, doctor's orders. If I stuck it montage from earlier, maybe I'm a bit too much of a rebel. You're a bad patient? Yeah. Oh. I'm a great patient. Jess wouldn't have taken this doctor's treatment. I'm going to treat you better. I'm offended.
So she gets her medical history and as she's taking her medical history, Dr. Burnett is to Stacey. She's asking, what about your relationships, your sexual activity? And she says that she has not been, she's not had sex for six years. Oh, this is when the doctor's patting you.
What? How are you alive? And now Kalilah, is this standard?
Do you sort of like judge all of your patients? There should be no reaction, although sometimes you hear things that are like, what the fuck? But you can't show that to the patient because there's no judgment in this room.
But it is standard to ask sexual history for treatment purposes. I thought that was totally standard. Yeah. That is standard.
But I don't think asking, like, do you have a boyfriend or like whatever she asks. How often do you masturbate? Well, they do ask you about your sexual partners and you are in a long term relationship. So the boyfriend thing, you know, not so much.
It's like a risk assessment. Like, are you out here fucking everybody without protection or are you fucking one person? Right. Now, Kendra, as someone who's been a patient, if a doctor dropped their notepad after you said something about your history, what would your reaction be?
How many hoagies did you eat? I eat three to five hoagies a week.
I would just have to like, hey, you making fun of me? Are you making fun of me right now? I would like, I would try to play it really cool, but I would like almost be crying. I feel like a doctor was that judgmental. No, I got to call you out because you just made me try to try to make me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to make you feel uncomfortable.
Ma'am, how many people in your family have high blood pressure? Oh my God. What do you guys eat? I'm like, how many people in your family have high blood pressure?
Right, turn the tables. There's a good way to, if you do have judgment and you somehow accidentally let it out, you just turn it into a cough or you... I feel like, are you serious? Or ruin any doctor's trip I have now. If they cough or sweat, I'm like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Or you put your face down and like really come into the paperwork so you can drop yourself. Can you just write something? If my doctor, if I was like, I haven't had sex in six years, and they're like... I would eat. Throws up. Oh sorry, bad blood pressure. Oh by the way, doctors do tell their other doctor friends stories about you guys.
But it's HIPAA. HIPAA is respected, so no names for you.
If you see me walking out, you know it was about me. I ain't wait until the end of the day, nothing right with you walking out. Like that's the one.
She's the one that hasn't had sex in six years. So Dr. Burnett picks up her pad, and this is our first kind of sexy moment.
We get a little flash of a silver bra. Which I don't think silver's that hot. Silver strikes me as like tacky, like a 90s, or like a teen girl. Yeah, like in music videos where their hair's in little pom poms, and you always show your bra straps under a spaghetti strap. What's the sexiest bra color?
I like like a... As someone with like brown skin, I love the way like dark blues and like dark plums. Oh my god, I was gonna say navy. Yeah, like a dark plum, like I really like those colors.
Black. Black and fuchsia. Black, oh those are good. Fuchsia. Yeah, fuchsia.
I was also picturing the, I imagine to be fair, blonde-haired lady with a silver. I was like, oh. Did she wash out? No. Yeah, I did.
I don't like it. It doesn't matter.
She looked so washed out. She looked like a ghost.
I like when, when Kate wears like a, we have this like cardigan with no bra, and then it's like a little of this, and then just like a little boob right here. Oh, like the peak of the bridge. Like Jenny in Forrest Gump when she's in Playboy. Oh yeah, remembers that. Iconic moment from Forrest Gump. Yeah, yeah.
And also, do you imagine that this bra had any like, like the little like, little tags that inexplicably exist on bras? Like a jewel? Like the jewels? The hanging jewels in between?
I think so. I think she goes all out for a patient. Yeah, at least. That's what I was imagining. I was thinking like sparkly, what's that called? Threads.
Mmm.
What is it? Yarn?
Yeah, fabric. I'm going to go with fabric. I'm going to do a crochet.
My nipples are sticking out of the little eyelids. It doesn't have any support.
I imagine like a chain mail. She's like a knight underneath. Oh, like Zoe Kravitz just wore to some party. She wore chain mail?
I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, it was gold. It was in her Oscar dress and it was over the dress? I think it was after party. Oh, that's hot. The Oscars after party. Over, like a chain? She's a very hot one. Yes, cute. But it wasn't over.
It was just nipples under. You could see very clearly. I wouldn't be worried about metal on nipple. Yeah, like I feel like that would make me uncomfortable.
And then it's kind of cold out. It's cold, yeah. So it's like cold, cold, cold, nipple. It's been really cold this month.
It has been. It has.
I can relate to Stacey. I think we all have a little Stacey in us.
So after speaking with her, after asking if she's masturbated, the doctor diagnoses her. Stacey hasn't. She doesn't like masturbating. She doesn't do it.
I did relate to her on that. Now, that was my old life. Now, I masturbate probably too much. But back when I was young and did not feel like I was like, I'm going to know it's me. It's not going to make a difference until I was introduced. I got introduced pretty late to it as well. Like two years ago.
Oh, that's common. I think that's totally fine. Yeah, like when I graduated college, basically. And it was like, I was the same boat. Like, yeah, I get it. And then you're like, oh.
Awesome. That was amazing.
I think young men, it's like in every movie that we would see, they'd be like fucking pies. And like, masturbation was very much a part of a young man's life. And girls, it was like, why don't you just go try on another pair of pants?
No representation.
You know, young women about like, here's how you make yourself feel good. It's like, oh, how do you do XYZ to make a man then make you feel good?
Even getting hyper specific, the idea of penetrative sex was like a thing that I didn't quite understand the appeal of, like when learning about like sex ed and stuff where it was like, oh, like that didn't really appeal to me. And like the clit was never a thing mentioned. It's like a pleasure thing. I didn't hear that until I was in medical school. I never heard that word.
Yeah, that's fucking crazy. So the only people getting off in this country, people in medical school. You have to get a fucking doctorate in order to get off. Damn.
So she's diagnosed and the doctor says, I'm going to treat you with an insertion. Stacy's a little worried about getting a needle in her butt, but it turns out that that is not the kind of insertion that this doctor was talking about. No, no, no. She, again, a very clinical way is just like stand up, turn over, and then she inserts two fingers inside of her. She felt then, yeah, something warm and slippery enter her vagina.
Oh, there was a moment before this where she was, Stacy was happy that she had shaved because she didn't want to see the doctor to see her big giant bush. That's always a concern. Yes. I think that patients have. Well, the doctors. I wish I could say it's not something that bothered me, but if I'm going to the gynecologist, yeah, you got to, you got to make it nice for the gynecologist. I have never, but I like, and I do feel self-conscious. Yes.
You've never been to the gynecologist? No, I've been to the gynecologist. I don't do anything for her.
You don't like put a nice little bead or break. Yeah, or like a little note or a little butterfly clip. Like maybe like a cup of coffee or something. Just put it next to it.
I'm always like, oh, I don't want my doctor to think, because I feel like we're kind of peers. So like if he talks shit about his patient, like it's me. Is there a HIPAA to protect a doctor talking about a doctor? Well, yeah, HIPAA applies to everybody. But I'm not going to be the one who's embarrassed because my doctor's talking shit about my vagina. It's got to look cute for her. You didn't know doctors were running their mouths this much about everybody.
I've never cared. Yeah, if it's hairy, if it's not, I would just never care.
You're down there to do a job. Yeah, that's true. You know what? And if you can't do your job, something's wrong with you. Yeah, like if I'm going to New York City, I'm not like, why is there so much trash everywhere? I know that that's part of it. Right, it's part of it.
Are you comparing your vagina to New York City's trash? Hairy bushes are trash. You've got to love yourself. At least Chicago's trash.
I love New York. In all of its trash. I miss it. I love New York. My vagina is so lucky to be called New York.
So the doctor is applying the treatment. You've got a little me too-ish there for me. I think so too.
Because there has to be notification of entrance. You can't just...
Especially because part of this that was so complicated to grapple with is Stacey, the protagonist, has definitely hangups about female attraction. And she says many times, I'm not a lesbian. Which is fine if you're questioning your sexuality and all this stuff and you're not sure. But to couple that with a doctor doing that, it feels very, yes. Yeah, I was like, there's no consent here. I'm uncomfortable.
Yes. I didn't get into it until kind of the second act of this paragraph when there is a bit more of like, okay, I did like what just happened. Now it's consensual. And now I'm a bit more curious and interested in what's happening. Yeah, this first one's a bit off-putting for sure. Yes. What struck me as odd was in her mind, she said, you know what, I'm gonna just go with it and I can always just sue her later. Yes. That is crazy. I'm like, when does that ever work for your mental health? Actually, I was thinking that's kind of normally how it goes. And that's why people are very vocal after the fact. Because it's like during it, you're kind of questioning what's happening. You're not sure. And then at least for me, it takes some distance to realize, wait a minute, that was fucked up. Yeah. But I mean, that's not everybody. No, no, I, it makes sense. I'm glad she trusts the legal system. It's like beautiful, honestly. I don't know that the part two of it is the normal thing, but like maybe in the moment, like, I guess.
Is this part of procedure I'll check later? I'll check later.
Yeah, it feels good. I don't know. This is an interesting thing too, because so like in some of these books, you only get one perspective of like the sex and like all that kind of stuff. And this is interesting that a lot of us weren't really into it until Stacy was into it, which is like, yeah, it's really helpful to hear both sides of the equation of like what is being done and what the person receiving it feels.
Yeah. Like two halves of the erotica equation. Right. And I guess it's hard too, but it's like the fantasies of like just being taken. And then, yeah, where can that live within the world of consent? Totally. Yeah. Is there like a clause like before anything happens?
Like, you know, it's a fantasy. Fifty shades already stole that storyline. It's a fantasy to be taken.
And like, you know, I'm going to say no, but still do it. Maybe that was we didn't see, but when she's flying on like the paperwork. You know what? This doctor probably did have that in her paperwork. Yeah. When you say that like they have the right to your medical records, it's also like, also, I can finger you. Stacy doesn't try to sue. Yeah.
So the fingering happens and she gets more and more into it. The doctor gently rubs the older woman's clip. They constantly refer to her as the older woman. That's 55 plus.
I mean, I mean, just some of the language firing synapses in her brain that had never been fired before. Have you ever heard of sex described that way? I mean, it's very much like the sign. I liked the firing synapses. I was kind of into it. Because I get that there's like a little, there's like a, I don't know. I get it.
I think it's because she never had an orgasm.
And that does something different to you. Yes. Yeah. That is kind of a twist. The twist. The Shyamalan twist.
This woman has never had an orgasm and she was living in the 21st century. In her older woman years, which equals 30. She's never had an orgasm.
Oh my God. This quote. So the doctor giving her her treatment brings her to orgasm. Stacy felt as though she died and had been reborn a thousand times over as an audible waves crashed through her. I liked that. Damn. That's insane. That's kind of nice. That is insane.
Have you ever felt like you died and were reborn again? I wish I had. No. I feel like I've felt that a time or two.
That's awesome. What? Oh, I'm dead. Take everything that I have. And then like, oh, I'm back.
And I enjoyed that death. I think so. Sex is like death. I feel like death probably feels good.
I don't know. I mean, it's like a release. Like, okay. And then like, you know, then you don't know what happens on the other side of it, but I'm imagining good things.
Pleasant.
I don't know. And this still, this is still very like scientific, like, like, like my, uh, you know, whatever that machine, what is that machine called?
The like beeps, uh, for your, your heartbeat. Oh, the monitor tip.
Yeah. For your vitals. Yeah. Like, it's like, I could just see that scene of like, in your brain. What's going on? Like flat lies. And then like, oh, you tried to. And the shock. Yeah. Oh my God.
She did. Her breath. Audible waves crashed through her.
That's wild. We have to. It's wild. We got to seek more from our partners.
Yeah.
I've never died. I had. Fuck. I've never died.
I had one concern during this whole thing. Were there no other patients in the waiting room? There were.
She mentions it later. She does say at the end.
All right. Time for my next patient. Everyone. Everyone getting this or.
I got this like word on my finger. I think. I know. A two finger glove.
It's also funny to imagine as a patient when you're waiting in the doctor's office. Like I had an appointment at noon. To be like maybe.
That's what's happening. That's what's happening in the world. That's why it takes so long. Yes. Fact. Now I'm mad because none of my doctors have ever given me this treatment. Yeah.
I haven't had it either. Well, have you come in with a headache? No, I haven't. Oh, you got to go with a headache.
I like it as a Z-pack. A Z-pack. They just kiss my urine and they don't even stay in the room for that. If you got a Z-pack maybe it was for some fun things you did before the Z-pack.
No, it's just allergies. Amazing.
She has orgasm and her headaches have slightly gone away. She's feeling better. The doctor's like, you know, you can come back for other treatments. And now Stacey's feeling a bit more into it and she's like, I think I'm ready for another treatment right now.
And do you ever do two rounds? Have you ever received or have you ever done two rounds of treatment in the same appointment? Like isn't it like when you get your HPV shot? Wait, aren't we talking about sex? I didn't know what you were talking about. I'm like a doctor's office and I'm sorry for not clarifying. Hey ladies, have you ever had two rounds of treatment? I was like, yes. What's your refractory period on two rounds of treatment?
Not that many. I think my record is seven. Seven treatments.
Yeah. I mean clearly it was a free day. Yeah, you got to get breakfast and stuff like that. Definitely. And how many showers? Yeah.
Sheets are gross. Is there showering? No. I didn't shower. You didn't either.
You sit in it. You think about what you did.
So Stacey is ready for her next treatment. The doctor prepares herself. Stacey's wondering to herself, what could be next? She's wondering, am I a lesbian? Is the doctor a lesbian?
A direct quote from Stacey. You just feel like this because she just had her fingers in your pussy and gave you the first orgasm of your life. Then again, isn't that the definition of lesbian? Letting a woman do that? I did look up the definition of a lesbian. Please share. A homosexual woman. End of sentence. You said a sentence? I might need a bit more. Then I looked up homosexual. Sexually attracted to people of its own sex. So Stacey, you a lesbian. Sorry. Well, she did say that. I think was it the first or the second treatment where she said, maybe I am just a straight up lesbian. I was like, good acceptance.
It's just an attraction. You don't even have to have sex from these definitions. You define it any way you want. Tell yourself what you want. I don't give a shit. Just don't call me late for dinner.
All right. Okay, here we go. More of the book. I wrote the newly revealed tits were pretty small. Yes. Okay.
Stacey's tits are small. No, no, no. The doctor. The doctor takes off her, I almost said smock jacket. And she's naked.
And she said she has perfect tits that sat high on her chest, but they're small. But pretty tiny. Anytime boobs are small in these, it's always like, but. But what they lack in large, they make up for in. Which is like, you give some love to small boobs. Small boobs are great. Boobs rule. Tiny titties are awesome. As a tiny titty woman.
Yes. I will say, there is no but. The people love titties, period. Yeah, they do. And it doesn't matter the size. This is where the American Patriotic Week plays. It's like a flag waving thing. Everyone loves titties. I've got to say, I keep noticing.
I don't think I've ever heard any of my girlfriends refer to breasts as tits. I just haven't. I've heard men say tits. I haven't heard women say tits.
Yeah. I think I say tits. You say tits. Growing up, people say titties. I don't know. Titties. Tits is the derivative. I mean. But if you're growing up. Yeah. Growing up, we say titties. Girls ain't bad. I have never referred to my, I say boobs, which is. I've said boobs. Boobs. Or breasts.
When I was little, I called them Hobies. I don't even know where I got them. Hobies. My grandma taught me that. I think Hobies. Hobies.
Really cute. Shout out to Grandma.
Shout out to Hobies. All my Hobies. All my Hobies while listening to this.
Thank you so much.
For tuning in. Stacey's wondering, what could possibly be next? What is left for there for two women to do? Eat each other out? That's what I thought was next. Stacey would rather die.
She literally said. She's not a lesbian. She literally says, is she going to lick me? Which, again, felt like an alien description of the email. Is she going to lick flap her tongue on my bottom?
But the doctor has something else in store. Dr. Burnett reveals a dildo. Which is, is this the first woman using a dildo? This is our first strap-on. Strap-on. Which is very exciting. Yes. So the doctor has her strap-on on.
She, they describe the size of it. It's six inches. Which, Stacey. The doctor says she prefers one and a half times bigger. And wider. She said, not one and a half inches wider, but she said she wants nine inches and she would like hers wider. Yeah. Oh, I thought she wanted. Oh, I did the math. I thought it was one and a half inches bigger than the six inch, which I thought she wanted a 15 inch penis. One and a half inches bigger. Never mind. Don't lick a bite though. One and a half times bigger. I thought she was using a six inch and she said, I typically prefer one and a half times bigger. And I went, wait a minute. How big?
I'm going in five. I've been fucking whales. And so I kind of prefer. This is the part that took me out. I was like, now I'm going to do the math.
Right.
But she only wanted a quarter. I only had a quarter of it in.
And I'm like, okay. Wait a minute.
The radius is three and right. And that's huge. That's a fucking huge deck. Did we know the girth?
She didn't give a shit.
She didn't take circumference on shit. No circumference. There's no freaking area of that circle.
We can't figure that part out. But we can't figure out the nine inch penis that she prefers. She prefers. Or dildo strap on. Yes. Because she doesn't like penis? Or does she like both? I think she's queer.
And I don't.
Yeah. Which I kind of liked that she wasn't explicit about like, I don't have sex. Like, it's like all fluid. Who cares? And one thing that was funny, just like Stacey was like, oh my God, what is that? Like, six inches was like half very large, which is fine. Whatever. It's all personal preference. But it was just like this very like doe-eyed like, oh my God. Yeah. It was written slightly not top of intelligence enough.
But I think it did get into the psyche of, I haven't been having sex for a while. I haven't really been feeling sexual or looking into this much. And you kind of slowly realize maybe it's because you haven't been experiencing sex in the way that feels right or good to you.
And this doctor is helping to bring that out. And that I'm always on the board for.
And she also pointed out that the people you've been having sex with have small penises. Because this is average. She doesn't have that. She does an average size. And also nine rows. Six inches average? I think it's five.
But I don't really know. I don't know. Everyone, what do we think?
Five to seven. Okay.
Our penis expert. Our penis expert has whispered. Let's give a hand to our penis expert, everybody.
Five to seven. And is that plastered or erect? Oh. She's saying please stop talking to me. It's probably erect. Oh.
It's fine. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I will say there was a little ego stroke in this for men who are average sized. Which I guess most men are. Because it's average. You're like, you're doing good. At least according to Stacy. Right. There was ego stroking for that. But her small tits were fine. Yeah, yeah.
So a small-titted woman would like, no, no, no. She was a nine-infer. I don't know. I've been with men with smaller penises. And I had a wonderful time.
So what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Treats more to sex than just that. What are you going to do?
Treat it a mic trap. Mike W. Trapp on Twitter. What are you going to do about it? Don't tune in to anyone else.
The stretch was unbelievable. This is the dildo going in. Her tight, unused pussy. Not used to opening for anything more than a tampon. It sounds like a porn.
A woman did not write that. Not at all. No one is thinking, oh, the last thing in there was a tampon.
That's such a comfortable experience. Tampons are dry and fucking shitty. Especially those cardboard ones. I won't tell you the brand because I'm not allowed to. We all know the one I'm referring to. But they help slip in there, though. The box. The applicator.
But I could fucking do that with myself. It's easier with yourself.
It's so dry.
It goes in at a weird angle. She's putting the dildo in, and she's not even sure if it's all the way in yet. And then the doctor says, no, that's just the head. So she's like really kind of opening her up, figuring out what, you know. Dilation therapy. Figuring each other out. Dilation. She does at one point say, aha, you are actually a lesbian.
Stacy says that to the doctor. It's beautiful that that can be scientifically proven. And then the doctor, this is when I really love the doctor. Labels, for the most part, rarely encapsulate the truth. That is actually stunning. I like that. That was beautiful. Dr. Burnett did go to medical school. Yeah, absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt.
She does her job. She does it professionally. She does her job.
She's only naked some of the time. I'm guessing she put her clothes back on for the next patient. If I had my own practice, I'd be naked all the time, too.
And that's a promise.
Let me tell you, you're not a lot sexy about a doctor's office. And mostly your patients aren't sexy either.
Yeah. That's what I think.
It's just not a sexy place. Anytime I go, I'm like, ugh, ugh, ugh. I can't talk right now. The doctor is doing to you as well in regards to your medical experience. It's just not a...
Oh, screaming from the stretching and intense friction. Screaming in the doctor's office with the patients in the waiting room.
What are they thinking? I want to hear their perspective. Yeah. We got to read the second book. Kendra, what are they thinking? What are they thinking?
Now, I would be thinking either A, it's time to go. Yeah. Or B, I need to see what's happening in there. Depending on what her screams sound like. You trying to go through that door? Because I might want that. Depending on what the scream sounds like.
Yeah, the number one, you don't want that. Number two, you want that scream. Yeah. Number two. What's the number one? The number one is the bad scream. The bad scream. Oh, definitely.
Someone's dying.
I'll leave. I won't save them. I won't call anyone to help them. I'm not calling them, I'm just getting out of dodge.
Who is she supposed to call when the doctors are the one doing it? 9-1-1-1. I don't know. What if they do the same thing?
It's true. Because you know they're doing that down at the precinct.
I see your son has been kidnapped. Your son has been kidnapped.
You have attention headache. Well, the doctor says, let's call it what it is. I'm about to fuck your pussy with a dildo in my office. Direct quotes. I've never heard fuck your pussy unless it was pornography. In real life. But I like that the doctor gets to it. This is when I really get into Dr. Burnett.
I'm just really into this. I think it's awesome that she's like, this is what's happening. Let's do it. In the book it says, it worked the way it was designed to. It's just, I'm fascinated by who is reading this.
I think they were tired. Who is Olivia Ruiz? They were tired for that part.
And the dildo, it works the way it fucking dildo works. Here we go. It's doing its job.
Oh my god, another direct quote. I can't help myself. Well, Stacy, I thought you would look absolutely lovely with a just fucked look on your face. And it turns out I was right. How fucking cool. She's like James Bond. You know James Bond is always swooping in and fucking people. I thought you wouldn't look cool if I fucked the shit out of you. Turns out I was right.
And then he kisses her on the cheek. Later, babe. Wink.
This is your outfit. Where are you going? Why are you leaving? You left on a jet pad?
There was one inaccuracy in the book. Stacy, they're not making love. I'm not even going to say it.
But she does say with the mess that happens, this lesbian stuff is fun. No mess to clean up. I can assure you there is a mess to clean up. I think that's absurd. There's always a mess. There's mess when I'm by myself. Yes, even if you aren't a squirting type of person, there's mess. There's something. Can we address squirting?
OK. Yes.
It looks very urine-ish to me. The research I've done is that it is mostly urine. I always thought it was pee pee.
I watched one called Chunky's Angels. And at the very end, this was the name of Bridget Waters. Her big finisher was to do that, and she did it all over this sad mattress in the back of this art gallery. The art gallery owner had a lot of tension, and Chunky's Angels came and helped him with his turn. Angels, Angels, Angels.
But you think it was pee? And I was like, that has to be pee pee. It's definitely pee.
People make arguments that it's not. It was very clear. She looked hydrated. I've seen yellow.
And I'm like, no, ma'am. That's pee. No, ma'am.
I have seen clear. Stop. I've seen clear.
Yes, I have too. For myself. No. I was like, oh, Kendra. We all know we mean ourselves.
OK. We either mean ourselves, a partner, or porn. OK. All we're talking about here. They're the only possibility. Or we're just lying. Yeah. So there is a pickup along the canal of whatever juices are lubricating you that make it clear or whitish. But then if you keep going, it's yellow because it's pee. But hey, that's my belief. OK. That's good to know.
That's a doctor's opinion. It's an opinion. It is an opinion. We're going to have to talk to another doctor.
Yeah. That's so funny. Great. I mean, so she's wrong.
Yeah, there's a mess. There's a mess. Always a mess.
It didn't say she squirted. Yeah. I didn't say she squirted.
But I still think there's a little something, especially if you're fingering. You got juices on your hands. And just the way they describe the, or she reaches a very, you know, as always climatic. And at least you clean the dildo or something.
Exactly. It's medical. Yeah. It's a medical used dildo. And if it's in the drawer, that means other patients get the same treatment probably. Yeah.
Or maybe it's not like a popsicle. There's not like 20 of them in there. Maybe it's disposable. You know, like when they take out the little thing to put in your ear and then they just throw that out. But it's not the whole machine. It's just a little cover.
Exactly. Right. So there's an insert on the dildo, maybe like the ear thing. Yeah.
I was going to say, I didn't read that. You made that up. I'm making it up.
Because when they use the probe. I'm just going to assume that it was there because she's a doctor. Yeah. Well, when they use the probe for the like transvaginal ultrasounds, there's a condom on it. So it's like, you know, that makes more sense. I would like to think Dr. Burnett would. Yeah.
She definitely uses her protection. From everything that I know of her. Her protection. She sounds like she's on her A Games. Yeah.
Her headache is gone. The doctor unbuckles her harness. She's like, all right, well, time for the next patient. So abrupt. So crazy that there are other patients waiting.
She does mention that she makes house calls. Oh, I loved this part. She slides her business card in Stacey's butt. The back pocket. And then their lips are real close and they have a little kiss, which I think is their first kiss.
Which is hot. I thought this was real. What a cool fuck. I wrote, doc is so cool.
Stacey is left wondering, maybe I'm a straight up lesbian. Again, Stacey's direct words.
Yeah. And then the doctor gives a little commie and I will come. And so will you. Imagine if your hot doctor said that to you. Yeah. My eye doctor told me that. If half of your eye doctor... It's like, you didn't get that. Yeah. You need your ear doctor. Oh my God.
The next book is called Home Treatment. And there was a little blurb of it past this one. She still keeps referring to her as the older woman. But they go to Stacey's house and she gives her a little home treatment.
Nice. So this relationship continues. I do love how very stereotypically the doctor was like, all right, baby, I'm out. And then like left her there to clean up herself. By herself. Yeah. That's so funny. Humiliated. Right. No cuddling or anything. And you never know what to do with the gown. I put this in the bathroom. Oh, the paper's ripped. I will say I appreciated Stacey's journey to self-discovery. Yeah. You know what? Because she came in there.
I'm like, I don't know. Am I lesbian? Am I not? I don't know.
She was definitely no at first or she thought she was. Right. And by the end of it, she was like, you know what? I am. And she wasn't ashamed of it. She was ashamed of it in the beginning. That's beautiful. And to Jess's point too, she realized that she was not being sexually satisfied in a way that was satisfying to her. She was not having sex that was satisfying to her. Yeah. Which is nice.
I think sometimes people assume like, oh, maybe I just don't like sex. But you know. And maybe you don't. Maybe you are asexual or maybe, you know. Or maybe, but yeah, never think I have to be normal to what other people think is this or that.
It's all about finding what's good for you. I like that. And that's what treats us all about.
The story is about acceptance.
So what did we think? If you had to rate this on a scale, which is one is a drought. Five is slide off your chair. And we can also keep the different categories in mind. Yes.
Lesbian, medical. Our lesbian, medical, and first time expectations.
If I'm in the same position or just me, like as I exist in this world right now. Just speak from your heart. Speak, yeah, for you as like, I would say you as like a reader of this. And then you can also suffer. What was your enjoyment level?
Yeah. Well, it had a very good entertainment value for me. Yes. Not necessarily of the sexual nature. Okay. So I give it a 1.5 because I was excited that, you know, that they were enjoying themselves. Yes, that's fine.
But as for me as a bystander or witness to their whatever, I was like, this word is spelled wrong. So I wasn't really. You didn't lose yourself in that. You don't crack someone's grammar when you're having sex. No, no. If it's like good. Right, right. If they say the wrong word and I'm really into it, I don't care. I may laugh at them afterwards. But during, I won't. Kendra. I went in waves, right?
So I'm like, yeah, she's never had an orgasm. She's about to have one.
And then they say a cunt. And then it went back down. And then I'm like, yeah, she had an orgasm. This is empowering. And then something else happened.
I forgot. I don't remember what the word was.
Oh, the math problem. Took me out. The math problem. The calculus exam in the middle of the bus.
Not sexy.
So I guess I would probably, because I came in waves, it came in waves. I didn't come in waves. Because I came in waves. But do you normally come in waves? I'm dying on board. I didn't be born a thousand times over in audible waves.
A thousand.
I'll give it a two. A two. Because there were some ups. But then, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Dr. Burnett really won me over by the end. I honestly wish the next books were about her and just each new patient that she meets and her just fucking taking care of business. Yeah, exactly liberating, everyone. I think in the movie, she's kind of like a Tomb Raider-style chick. I will say, Jess, did you not say you wish to play Dr. Burnett in the movie? I also said if I put every last time I have in my stress treatment script that I would cast myself as stress treatment, I'd be like, ah, beautiful.
Oh, my God. I mean, our first strap-on, I gotta give this a 2.5, at least. I mean, you know, yeah. Yeah, I'm kind of with you and Kendra of somewhere in the 2 to 2.5 range of just I felt little waves of things. If I made that fingering consensual, that was fun. Yeah. But it's like you're doing mental, you're doing another math problem. Right, right. I'm not here to take the SATs. You know? And the strap-on was cool.
It wasn't totally my thing in terms of just like, I don't know, I have the size stuff. Like, really, I'm not interested in that stuff. It matters so much more to men, I feel, than women.
Yes, exactly. So, like, her pleasure.
No, Simon, the actual number. Oh, the number.
I don't know. I can see it. It looks nice. It's cute.
But for you, who cares?
So, like, I liked her pleasure. I liked the descriptions of the orgasms. I like, like, yeah, like, you know, we get a shout-out to small boobs.
That's really nice. And that's, you know, it's cute. It's nice.
Yeah, so I put it, like, in two, 2.5. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. A pretty slightly below average book. Yeah. But it's really funny. Yes.
I left a lot. You know what I liked most about it? I feel like we've had just lots of great conversation that had nothing to do with the plot or characters. What, like, it brought up cool. Totally.
You know, plot, I sat in a doctor's office. She fought me. I left.
The classic and fairway tale short story. Oh, but the characters did have an arc. She was not at all lesbian and then was like, oh, I am a lesbian. This is a character story. You have inception stories where it's more about the plot and then you have some character ones where it's more about the feed driven.
And you know how quick doctors visits are. Sometimes you're there for five minutes. That's true. We don't even know how long this was. This could have been a five-minute journey. Yeah. For two treatments? Well, I don't know. Well, I mean, you know, that refractory period for people who have multiple orgasms. It's pretty, oh, I was going to say short, but okay. It depends. Every person is different. Yes. I'm assuming she had a quick one if this is a very short because, you know, they have short, medium, and long and they like schedule people based on how much time they need to spend.
So headache was short. Headache was short. Short headache.
I think this took the amount of time it took to read the book. I think she was in there for 30 minutes. Is this happening in real time? 30. Oh, okay. How long did you think? A dimension to the book. I think... Well, yeah.
But I don't think this happened in our universe. I think time is... This is a different cinematic universe.
Right. It puzzles me that there was not really any questions surrounding the headaches or like the nature of them or if anything triggers them, et cetera, or even this consideration of like imaging or anything like that. It was just like, yeah, you got a headache because you didn't get fucked. So let's adjust that. And then I was like, but what if something really is wrong? Yeah.
I do think that Stacy died of a brain injury. Stacy died during this treatment.
You have to listen to women. Listen to women and women in the medical field, please.
Very true. Okay.
We do have our next book picked out. This is another fan wreck. We absolutely love fan wrecks. It's another great reason to be on Dropout and in the Discord because people are giving us fun ones all the time. But this one I'm just so excited about because it's our first graphic novel.
So we won't have to imagine it in our heads. It'll be right there. The work is done for us. Will we like that? We'll find out.
This isn't on Amazon, and I'm going to seem like a real old woman trying to describe how to get to this. You go to buttsmithy.com. The author's name is Incase, I-N-C-A-S-E, and the book is called Alfie.
We'll have all of the information on our Discord as well as we always do. This is the story of a remote halfling village coming into contact with humans for the first time. I wonder what they'll do when they move.
Play cards? I'll probably play cards. Go fishing.
Half intellectual composition. So that is our book for next time, Incase Alfie. This was a fan wreck from Toast Wizard, buttsmithy.com.
Thank you all for being here. Have a sexy life. Have a sexy life, everyone. Thank you.
Things are great. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
TheOnion | Study_Employees_Happiest_When_Pretending_To_Work_From_Home | Tech Trends, brought to you by Starbucks Double Shot. In a competitive tech world, companies are always looking to the latest trend to keep their employees productive and happy at the office. But a new study suggests that employees are actually happiest when they're simply pretending to work from home. The study from tech and consulting giant IBM found employees felt overall more focused and content with their jobs when doing personal tasks like catching up on laundry or their favorite TV shows when they should be working.
I just make sure that I send some emails to my supervisor first thing in the morning so he thinks I'm up and working. But then I just go right back to bed. I never have to deal with rush hour traffic or anything. I just walk across the room, sit down at my desk, and start browsing through my Twitter feed immediately.
The trend is making its way to the country's most influential tech companies like Google, where employees are encouraged to put in 12 empty hours of work a week from their homes. The study hasn't swayed every company, however. Yahoo CEO Marissa Meyer said in a statement, At Yahoo, we prefer that our employees pretend to work side by side right here in our offices.
Next up, Apple's new summer iPhone soaks you with mosquito repellent to keep you bite-free throughout the year's hottest months. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_06_12_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the Weekly Batutah News Wrap. Joining me back in the Koala Mattress studios out in the Channel Country is my old mate Wendell Hussey. Thanks Bruce and thank you to the listeners for tuning in from wherever you may be, inside the Diamond Tina Shire or outside of it, as we wrap up the biggest stories from the week that was. Once again it's been another big week in news and once again the Government is making headlines down in Canberra.
Yeah that certainly is the case.
The Prime Minister has moved to quell voter concerns about the Liberal Party's treatment of women this week by extending an olive branch to Julia Banks. The nation's fair dinkum PM sought to ensure that there was no bad blood between his party and the departing Liberal member by offering her a thoughtful gift. After spending an afternoon tossing up what would be the best way to say his sorry for the treatment of Julia Banks, Morrison decided to drive down to one of those big department stores his Mrs is always banging on about and pick up a fair dinkum ironing board for the member for Chisholm. It's believed the remaining female MPs in the Liberal Party attempted to gently advise the Prime Minister against the idea but were met with cat noises before he went ahead and gave the crossbencher the brand new gift.
Very thoughtful of scomo there, I hope Julia appreciated it. Yeah I hope so too and we're still trying to get a line from Julia on the ironing board and will endeavour to update our listeners as that story unfolds.
And in other news down in Canberra, Senator Matt Canavan has assured the nation that everything is under control. After school students led protests across the country calling for greater action on climate change, the Federal Resource Minister told them and the country just to cool their jets a little bit.
The dopey fuck who spent his entire political career as an Italian resident abroad explained to the silly children that they need to leave this whole thing to the professionals. He said to us, Leave it to the pros, hey? Elsewhere around the country now and we broke an exclusive story down in Sydney.
We spoke to a resident of the Harbour Hell Hole about living down there and he explained that a lifetime of debt caused by extortionate rent is all made worth it when you get to sip on an $11 Saturday Arvo schooner of beer down at Opera Bar. Despite suffering through a lifetime of financial misery because he was born in the developers daydream of Sydney to parents who didn't own property on the lower North Shore or in the eastern suburbs, the young man explained that things aren't so bad after all. Sitting in the bar based on the steps of the world's most famous billboard, the Sydney resident said to us, But it doesn't matter now, because how good is having a beer and looking over circular key on a Saturday Arvo?
It's the little things, Del. And speaking of little things, the betooter advocate wrote another exclusive story about a short local man. The relatively short man within his circle of friends explained to us this week that he doesn't actually have a problem with the jokes about his height but that he just reckons it's shit banter. The token armrest who nudges a touch under 175 centimetres has copped a fair amount of shit over the last 10 years or so, and has just about had enough. He said to us, How is picking on a bloke for something he has no control over, good chad.
Go on, riddle me that. The fat boys in my group that rip on me can go and lose weight, but I can't make myself taller, can I? And no, they haven't gotten under my skin. It doesn't really bother me, so just drop it. Don't you journalists have something better to do? Mmm, definitely doesn't sound like that's an issue at all.
And on the sporting front, there was a bit of a scene at the Rabidos organisation this week. The scene was caused by Broncos fullback Darius Boyd rocking up to the Bunnies training session yesterday sporting a full South Sydney kit. This came after the resolution to the extremely poorly managed and confusing coaching situation which saw Wayne Bennett and Anthony Seybold swap places and the great Broncos coach head down to Redfern. It's not known how or why Darius Boyd, the apple of Wayne Bennett's eye, turned up to train in full Bunnies kit and refused to leave. The club is set to provide an update on the situation, but it does remain to be seen whether Darius will follow Wayne one last time.
Something to keep an eye on. And on that note, that's the News Wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. The club is set to provide an update on the situation, but it does remain to be seen whether Darius will follow Wayne one last time. Something to keep an eye on. And on that note, that's the News Wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
SaturdayNightLive | protective_mom_snl | Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me and I just don't want you to get scared off. Louis, don't worry. we're good. Okay, whoa, Mami Minta, we're home.
I call you. no, I'm coming mama, you've been mad at my life. You're still so mad I put you in jail, Pow!
I love you so much! Well, I love you too Mama! and I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney! Hi, yes, Miss Flores. I'm Britney. I've heard so much about you. mmm. you are cute. you dress like a boy.
I like that. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty-handed so I did bring some vegan sliders. Is she talking about me? Oh, yes, but in a good way, don't worry mama, we're hungry. huh? yes, and this looks great. um, where should I put these? I'll take it. Thank you in Momentum, Everything looks so great Mama. thank you.
So Britney, what are you studying? Um, I'm actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture. so she doesn't like money. Mama, please. Britney wants to be an art professor one day. Oh so she's a lesbian mama, please. no, no, no, no. no, I mean when I know we are fine art, you said to dinero para de que baroque architecture mama.
Like, Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for a semester? Oh, no, no, no. And I set you up with my family doctor. what? Well, I helped Louis out. now he's on Add medication, and he's doing a lot better. my son. don't have Add. he just likes to jump. Oh, well, Add isn't anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it. Ega entamica asa con su family doctor, avlan do de que normalize add?
I don't care. that's okay. Okay, that was all English.
Claudia, please, I would just love to start over. Yes, can we please just eat? How about that? Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores, But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?
Grace? O Mi? And we? Why didn't you tell me she was a woman of God? Oh, My. God. Now, where are my grandchildren? |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_life_inside_of_movie_musicals_after_hours | Four games, politics, novels, pop stars, history's greatest pop stars! Oh, it was Liszt. That one dude from Gwar with the... never mind. What they said. Craig's Liszt.
I'm just saying, why do we always have to talk about movies? Why can't we talk about literature or art or music? Oh, movie music!
How do they all do that thing where they, like, say the words at the same time melodically? You know that, wow. You mean sing? Yeah. That. Are you talking like a hive mind here or what?
Nope. Too dumb. Even for you. Too stupid. I humbly beg to differ.
You can't question the logic of a movie musical's world. That's their own universe with its own set of rules and physical laws. That's the implied agreement for every movie argument. We don't question why the sky is blue or how gravity works. Sure we do. It's called science. Fine.
We don't question why Superman can fly. Yeah, he's got an origin story. We know exactly why he can fly. It's jumping.
Anyway, Michael, yeah, I always assumed it was telepathy. Oh, wait a minute. Are we talking about movies again? Astute.
Maybe every single musical universe is actually controlled by these master puppeteers who are just pulling the strings on everyone, like queen bees. And explain why all the lead characters can get all those people to sing and dance all their problems for them.
Wait. That puppet scene and the sound of music, what if that was a cry for help? Fine. Okay, yeah. Let's do musicals. See? He thinks that he impacted the course of this conversation when, in fact, we all dragged him along involuntarily with our superior will. We're all queens in that scenario. I'm okay with that. Who? Money on the table for whoever sings their thoughts out loud. Sure.
But imagine, thank you, how hard it would suck to actually live in that universe. Every time someone had an emotion to work through, you'd have to drop whatever you're doing and dance it out with them. Not always. Sometimes there are solos.
I thought we already did Star Wars. Plus, if we were in a musical, getting up and singing along with the elderly, alley cats, existential crisis, that would be second nature to us. Let's not beat around the bush here. Didn't we already do torture porn? What are we really talking about? My background players subverting their freedoms for the master protagonist, singing and dancing all the while. What would we call those folks? Seriously? You think musicals are slavery based?
Those background actors aren't repressing anything. They're happy to do it. They're part of a group. It's a community activity.
Like Nazism. Stop trying to ruin musicals. I think it's just a reflection of real life. Not everyone gets to be a star. Charismatic people naturally draw others around them. Like Hitler. Like Dr. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Either one of those guys work in this scenario. You know, just because the camera focuses on particular people at particular times, doesn't mean the background players don't get their own songs.
We just don't see them.
Ugh. That's going to be even worse.
So for every song we see, there are hundreds off camera. Every kid in Greece school gets their own song, like whenever a thing happens to them. We're living in that world now. It's called Facebook. Do dog farts smell bad because of what they eat, or is it something about their buttholes? Post. But what if people were actually singing their status updates? I mean, the noise would be deafening.
Michael likes George Takei's photo.
Okay, so maybe all those background actors are just the people who couldn't sing or dance well. Maybe in every musical world, there's a bunch of tone deaf, ugly people filling the suburbs, singing a bunch of shittily written songs about their mundane lives, screwing up their choreography left and right.
I mean, if you can't fit your emotions to a rhyme scheme, you don't get to express them. Quick, what rhymes with incorruptible glory? Not being able to rhyme is the tip of the iceberg.
Riceburg! Niceburg! Liceburg! I would be a god!
Where are the disabled in West Side Story or the sound of music? Where are the old and the infirm? Where are the mentally challenged? Well, we know where they are in the sound of music. There's a disabled kid in newsies.
Of course, you take the collection. They named the handicap kid after his handicap. Oh, is that funny, little Ritalino?
Take your pill. Oh, take your pill.
In a universe that treasures physical coordination, there is no room for the imperfect. I mean, maybe every musical universe has their own little nursing home or they cram all the people that can't dance. Or maybe everyone is a great performer. By the time they're old enough to talk or coordinate their limbs, everyone around them has been singing and dancing the whole time.
How many hours does it take to become expert at something? 10,000. Okay, so an average of 105.5. That's not even close. Roughly. Nope. Well, I'm rounding to the thousand. Who are you trying to convince?
My point is, maybe the people we see front and center sing and dance all the time because they're addicts. People get high from singing and dancing? Kind of. It's a disease that only a few of them have. That's why you don't hear every background character singing out of every open window in every musical. In a musical universe, it makes more sense that the people singing and dancing are just a sick minority. Everyone else is like us. They've just gotten used to it over time. Wow, so the leads in musicals are just like the sad homeless people who were talking to themselves on the curb. So every musical world is populated by a whole group of people who are just mentally ill and don't know any better but to sing their thoughts. Maybe the Glee Club room in Glee is actually the special needs room. You guys would say cool epilepsy. That's why you never hear anyone else sing. Or maybe we're the mentally ill ones. Maybe the people in a musical are behaving the way that humanity was always meant to be.
Am I right? Yes, you are. I am. I am right.
See, there's this theory that the only other animals that sing are birds who live in trees and whales and seals and dolphins who live in the sea. The implication being that as soon as an animal, let's say a primate touches the ground, they have to be cautious because they're vulnerable to predators. Singing would be like wearing a jet's jacket to a shark fiesta. That one's racist.
We don't sing as a form of communication because we feel too exposed. But the second that we got sound in movies, we made the first movie musical. Spider-man turn off the dark. Close, The Jazz Singer. There was a compelling natural instinct to make an actor sing because singing is the best way to express our inner lives.
I just couldn't do it all the time. I get it. I mean, in The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy's Kansas world is like our world. Busy, gray, no one has time for it. In Oz, Dorothy's still got problems, but at least she's not alone. Don't forget all of the disabled people who were freely accepted in Oz. Oh, sure.
No heart, no brains. Little people everywhere.
That's racist. Oh. That's racist.
Deedle, deedle, deedle, deedle, dum. I knew you had it in you, buddy. No. That's $20 for that song.
I can't even use this. I only use plastic. I tried to use plastic money. They wouldn't take it.
They were like, this is $20. I was with him. It was Monopoly money, and we were at a Costco.
Hey, guys. Thanks for stopping by. I just wanted to talk to you about a pretty serious thing, because this is Cracked You Later stuff. I've been seeing it in the comments recently, and that's like pretty 2012. So we're going to go forward in 2013 with the new slogan, Cracked Ya Doin'. So thanks for stopping by and subscribe. Cracked Ya Doin'. Thanks for watching.
See you next time. Bye-bye. |
TheOnion | How_To_Know_What_Words_Mean_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey y'all, Drew Cleary with Trouble Hacking here. Today I am going to show you how to hack symbolic language and assign meaning to objects. Let's hack it!
First thing you want to do is choose the thing that you want to represent. And I am going to choose this.
It's a four-legged creature with a long back. It's grass and it has hooves.
But we haven't hacked a name for it yet. That's step two. So I am going to assign a word to represent this object. Which means that when I say this word, your mind will call to mind this animal.
Horse. So we're agreeing that this is a horse.
We've just assigned an abstract sound to a natural phenomenon that's much, much more complicated than the sound itself. Pretty cool, right? You can see that language is just an agreement that we all have about which sounds and symbols represent which real-world objects.
But this isn't actually a horse. That's crucial. Horse doesn't exist.
It's just the word that we use to represent this thing. It's just the name that we assign to it. If we weren't around to name it, it would still exist, but what would it be? It would be it. We couldn't talk about it without assigning a word for it.
So words are like splashing paint on an invisible person. They're what we need to conceive of what's there. But the shape that the paint forms isn't actually the person. It's just a representation of our reality. In fact, words are just one of the many mental images that we use to understand reality. But we never actually experience reality. Our experience is like a shadow of the true things. We can understand what these things are like. We can even predict what they'll do. We must understand that by definition, our reality must be incomplete. It's not until that infinitesimal moment before death when our minds open up and in the span of a fraction of a fraction of a moment in time are overwhelmed with the true reality.
All right, that was really, really fun. Thanks for watching. I hope this helped.
I don't do this for the money. I just do it for the fame. Bye bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_134_U_S_Election_Pre_Game_QLD_Election_Debrief_with_Charles_Croucher | It's been a big couple of weeks specifically within the Australian news cycle. We've had grand finals from both winter codes. Tomorrow we've got the Melbourne Cup and obviously Silly Season as well and truly with us. But the day after the Melbourne Cup, the race that stops the nation, we have the race that either makes or breaks a nation, which is the US election. We've just had the Queensland election over the weekend, which delivered some surprising results in itself.
And it looks like, as has the case been in the last couple of years, pollsters aren't really on the mark in this day and age. So we're better off speaking to analysts. And that's why today, both myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker have a special guest in who can talk the talk.
He knows the dark arts to a degree. We've had him on before during the presidential candidate race for the Democrats.
The male model from Maitland, Charles Croucher, thank you for joining us. Plus size male model from Maitland.
We did say that once in Canberra in front of your colleagues. It was good. Yeah. Prime Minister enjoyed that. Plus size. That was a sledge. Thank you for joining us. Nice to be here. Yeah. That last time we chatted was only a few months in a pandemic ago. That was good. Yeah. Seems a long while from here.
By the time you left LA, people were still social distancing alone. Like you didn't have to do the hotels. No, no. We got in just before. So you could be in charge of your own social distancing. There were no randy security guards or forced hotels.
How it should be. Exactly.
You didn't have to just sit there and pray and they either say you're going to the Sheridan or you're going to the travel lodge. You don't get to choose. Roll that dice.
First of all, we'll talk about Queensland. Queensland election.
I guess you could call it an landslide to a degree. Yeah. Something like that. I mean, we're sitting here in caddie country and obviously the caddies are pretty safe. But amazing to see, I think the thing out of Queensland is that one nation vote collapsed and it went back to labour. Yeah. The other one nation comes from the right of the liberal party, the liberal, the LNP were bleeding to the right. It's been kind of disproven by that. Well, yeah.
These might be disaffected coal miners. They might be people that were worried about jobs and worried about labour drifting too far to the left. And what they saw was, I guess, return to centre. And obviously the whole idea of one nation kind of fell apart a bit and they went back five to one back to labour.
That was really surprising. Well, yeah, it was, they had a 14% swing against them in central Queensland, which that was once, you know, an engine room for one nation. And of course, too, down on the Sunshine Coast, they had a 13% swing against them there.
I don't think that was predicted, was it? No, not at all.
And I guess like what we're seeing emerging here, and we've now got four case studies is the top issue might just be the top issue. Coronavirus might be the issue on most people's minds.
And if you handle it well, you get reelected. We saw it in the Northern Territory, to a lesser extent, the ACT over in New Zealand with Jacinda and her big win. And then in Queensland this weekend. So that's a pretty decent sample size and a pretty good working theory at the moment. I mean, the big test for that will be Tuesday in the US, Wednesday, our time. And what happens then when it comes to handling the coronavirus? That might be the biggest thing at the moment. Yeah, we'll delve into the US election in a sec. I just want to talk about what came to be on Saturday. You guys caught it about 6 p.m., 7 p.m. It was pretty early, pretty early. Do you think there's a level of, Queensland is a more unpredictable during a slower news cycle? Because I guess Pauline kind of got those numbers last time around off the back of ISIS.
Yeah, that's possibly true. You're right.
They were terrified of terrorism in central to North Queensland. So they voted in a local publican who made promises about deporting Muslim people. This time around it's COVID, might have filled that void. And that's a real day-to-day issue for a lot of businesses. Yeah, and kids on the street aren't quite as threatening as terrorists on the street. We talked about that in that play up in Townsville. Youth crime, that didn't land this year, did it? No, but around that election though, we did have some terrorists try to leave Queensland.
On the dinghy. In a boat, yes.
That's how unappealing it is for people cut from that cloth. Yeah, yeah. Queensland is so racist that even terrorists are trying to leave it. Well, look, this time around though, I guess the independents retained. They all retained. Yeah.
So that one nation bloke, where was he? He was up central Queensland way. He had a pretty good result too. And he's become a local politician. So he's not so much that's here.
They weren't even voting for Pauline there.
And then you've got obviously the three KAP seats retained. Very safe. Greens picked up one in South Brisbane.
RIP Trad. Pull one out for friend of the podcast, Jackie Trad. Yeah, don't trad on me.
And then the one independent as well, who kept her seat. Returning from Noosa. Now there were a couple of seats that swung that were quite surprising.
Caloundra particularly, which is, it's often hard to compare Queensland and New South Wales, but Caloundra would be quite similar to Cronulla in terms of the aspirational quiet Australians. You know, you've got to wonder how bad things would be in New South Wales for the Cronulla to swing at a state level.
Go back to, back to labour. Yeah, exactly. Real surprised. But I think Queensland was just a state that swung so violently, you know, went to Campbell Newman, then straight back to Palaszczuk. It was all over the place. A couple in a row now where it's been pretty steady, pretty stable. Labour's fending off the Greens in Brisbane and winning around the rest.
And we still have that area. We have two pretty distinct states, right? The Southeastern corner and everything else.
Yeah. And, and that's, once again. As I said, Brisbane's closer to Melbourne than it is to Cairns. As the crow flies. More ways than one at the moment. Yeah.
Collecting Green MPs.
Well, Brisbane's a big city now, you know, they're losing labour struggles to the Greens. That's when you become a city. They used to say it's when, when you have a cathedral, but now it's when you lose labour seeds to the Greens, you become a big city.
It's true. Happening in Sydney, happening in Melbourne. You can see it in Darwin soon, what we really see from there. Darwin Greens. I reckon they'd be pretty longy. Or in Adelaide. Could you imagine how perverse you'd have to be to be a Greens candidate in fucking Adelaide? You'd have to be a real piece of work. In Elizabeth. Still still on the Adelaide Oval.
One election. Speaking of that rural city divide, this election in the States is going to be interesting because Obama picked Biden as a VP to kind of pick up a lot of the Catholic working class and kind of that appellation from Pennsylvania down as a Scranton man. Biden, you know, born in Scranton. He's really running the Scranton angle this time around. But he did help Obama capture a lot of those disillusioned white voters. And, you know, that, that was a strong turnout in those States that are now feel very safe for Trump.
Yeah. It's that Rust Belt, right? Michigan, Pennsylvania, I guess to a lesser extent, Wisconsin, you know, that's up near Illinois where Obama's from, but it was a real, real safety pick. Yeah. The familiar face, the very white teeth on the ticket in 2008 and it proved a bit of a masterstroke. So they see both names? Yep. Because Ohio, as it stands now, it's on a knife edge. Yeah.
Could go either way. And if Ohio falls, then it's going to be an early night for all of us, assuming the president concedes. Otherwise it could be a very long and fought one. But the fact we're all fighting in Pennsylvania is incredible, given where it's been in the past.
And Trump has been doing a fair bit of last minute campaigning in what you would imagine are very safe seats, very safe States. Yeah. Some strange ones. And even, even Biden heading up to Minnesota, you know, this is, they're defending their own territory a little bit. And Trump having to go to Texas, down to Georgia and doing some of that. It's a real surprise, even Florida. Yeah. Whilst it's a tipping point, it's one of those ones that I think Trump be pretty confident. Well, he has to be confident winning, you know, his road to the White House runs through there. So we've sort of narrowed in on those States, and what the president's doing is running through the tape, right? Yeah. He's just, you know, four and five rallies a day. Yeah. He's doing that dancing thing at the moment, which is strange.
We're pretty, pretty mask free.
He's certainly survived coronavirus. There's been a real change in his energy levels, I reckon. You know, like he's got to be on drugs.
I mean, you can't be that old, can't be that fucked. You can't be having that diet and be doing that.
Post coronavirus diagnosis. I'm sold on that theory is fucking up to his eyeballs on some sort of On some sort of, yeah, yeah. Stem celly kind of. Not the old B12 shots that Margaret Thatcher used to have in the morning. On Novocain.
You'll hear about it, seeing as you're talking about it. So it's going to be funny.
And Pennsylvania is a great state in the, you know, big city in Philadelphia. And that's some really regional areas. It's one of those places where you do wonder how big mining and fracking is going to become in this election, because it's something that Trump's honed in on.
And it's been his message now for a couple of weeks. And one of the few messages that he's been on, and at least that I'm disciplined about, has been that idea of Joe Biden wanting to get rid of fracking, which I guess is jobs. But, you know, the job message can only work so many times, particularly when four years ago, you came in on that job message and people are unemployed. It's hard to fight that fight again. Last time around, he came in on manufacturing.
And has he, has he got the receipts? Has he, has he done what he said he'd do for those people? There are some, certainly not to the extent that he said he would. I mean, you listen to those rallies and he's still talking about bringing the plants back. There are one or two places he did bring.
But then again, that's the problem with fighting against Biden. You know, Biden is the guy who was out there when the auto bailout in Michigan, like Detroit's right there in Michigan. And Biden was the one that oversaw that post GFC. So you can fight that fight about the auto bailout as well. The strangest thing about this election and has been since we spoke last time at the end of the primaries is that somehow this moment has arrived for Joe Biden. 77, almost 78 year old Joe Biden is the guy that's emerged as the bright young face of the Democrats that can somehow be the, almost the ideal candidate for this time.
Well, yeah. I read the other day that if Bill Clinton entered the race right now, he'd be the youngest. Still the youngest guy. I think you said that last time you were on here when we were down to the last three. Warren, Bernie, Biden, and Clinton's would be almost 10 years younger than most of them. I mean, fuck that's old. Also, you just got to look at Obama. Like Obama would be 20 years younger than those last three.
So, you know, is, is this just a, you know, symbolic of, of where we're at now in the kind of voting behavior? You know, is this the last of the old white men? We're going to give them to old white men. Biden could die in office. Then it's Kamala Harris, Trinidadian, Indian, African American woman who would be 30 years younger than a lot of them. So it's a, it's the last dash.
Do you think Biden and a better call than Bernie? Do you reckon Biden's going to cast a wider net than Bernie would have?
I do. Yep. I do.
I think Trump knew that as well. You know, we, we used to travel around and we spoke to a lot of the Republicans and they all said, we want Bernie. Yeah. Give us Bernie. It's a good target. Like it would have been a great contest and Bernie's full of energy.
He's still, I got an email just before we came on. He's still campaigning. He's there fighting for Biden.
But this is a much bigger net. The idea of, of healthcare, Bernie's healthcare plan might've played better in a pandemic. It's hard to tell, but that idea. And Biden said it a few times.
He's like, who do you think you're running against? No, this is not, I'm not the puppet of communist, which is the wrong phrase for it because we know, you know, it's so far from what it is.
Yeah. Turnbullism. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, we call healthcare.
Well, I think, I think in hindsight, you know, and the Trump people knew it because he went to president Zelensky of Ukraine and said, what dirt have you got on this bloke? Like from, from two years out that the Trump team must've known something was coming with Biden. That's why they got impeached trying to get rid of him and still trying to land a, a really effective attack line on him.
You know, the sleepy Joe thing, I don't know if it's working, but he was headwind Joe the other day. And he's been creepy Joe a bit, you know, for all the president's prowess. And he is one of the greatest negative campaigners we've seen. Like he was so good with crooked Hillary and so unmeasured.
That message was game over.
You still think about Hillary Clinton. You still think crooked Hillary is right or as wrong as it is. It's still what you think.
But lock her up, lie and Ted Pocahontas, I think was his strongest. That cut off Elizabeth Warren at the knees.
We didn't really have one for, for Bernie Sanders. The crazy Bernie idea might've worked. That was the other thing. So I thought weekend at Bernie's was probably going to get worked out. Like Bernie came on, it would have been, and that's probably what's kind of protected Biden in a sense that it really is. It looks like weekend at Bernie with Biden, but Bernie, that, that whole IP, that name is taken by the guy that didn't run. Well, Bernie probably would have won if it wasn't for Elizabeth Warren hanging around. Yeah, quite possibly.
It's still, it's probably the thing we've forgotten because it got taken up so much by COVID, but that turnaround after super Tuesday or on super Tuesday for Biden, he was dead and buried four days before South Carolina, he comes out, win South Carolina and all of a sudden he's off to the races that everyone fell in line, you know, Buttigieg, Klobuchar, Beto O'Rourke. They all like one, two, three down the line for him and lo and behold, he wins all those seats on super Tuesday and the race was over because it became the COVID election then and Bernie lost his chance to come back. That part is so amazing that that all happened to that guy that everyone's known.
This isn't some bolt from the blue. Yeah, yeah. Like Obama was. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Or like Bill Clinton was, or, you know, all those, there's these rising stars. I mean, this is the guy that's been in front of their face for the whole time. It's just amazing that he had this turnaround. Presuming Biden wins, will he be the first kind of establishment Democrat since, because you look back, it's like, as you just said, Obama came from nowhere. He was a populist, Chicago lad.
Then you've got. Clinton from the state house in Arkansas. Yeah, Arkansas. And then Jimmy Carter, who was like, yeah. Kennedy was the same. Yeah, you're right.
It's a first for a long time since maybe FDR. Which is wild because the narrative has been for Trump from the start is that the Democrats are establishment. Almost every president they've had has been an outsider to the system. The Democrats have said, we're going to own the brand. Here's the most establishment of establishment guys.
Let's just chug along guys. Think status quo Joe. Exactly. It's almost the campaign, right? Everything back to normal. So yeah, it is, it is amazing that that's how this has played out so far and there obviously might be a big turn still to come on Wednesday.
But who do you think Trump's let down the most out of his base or, you know, his multifaceted, multi-layered base? Honestly, the people that took a chance on him that thought their lives were genuinely going to change. And he sold a lot when he came in with that idea. And I think there's a lot of people right now that are looking around saying things may not necessarily the worst, but they're certainly not better.
Yeah, well, he did. I mean, we probably joked about it last time we spoke, but he did say on the eve of the 2016 election at whatever rally he was at, he said, vote for me tomorrow. And I promise all your wildest dreams will come true. It's a huge election. The wild part happened. Yeah.
So I think those people and that's the ones that have abandoned to that sort of suburbs. Not so much the MAGA crowd, you know, the ones that will line up in the cold at a rally. You're all still pretty rusted on. They're going nowhere. But the suburban ones that took a chance that perhaps weren't happy with the way things were, thought they deserved more, thought they could get more out of this guy, were weren't happy with the establishment.
And again, you can lean into that establishment title now. That's the reason this won back. The reason they did in those midterms in 2018.
And also the reason that the polls just haven't changed. You know, we've seen so many times recently that polls can be wrong. But what has been surprising about this race is the polls have been so consistent.
You watch that Hillary, the 16 race, and it was up and down. And Trump led with a month ago, then Hillary had the... So you're talking right into the, right through the Democratic candidate race as well? Yeah, to an extent. Biden sort of had his crowd and it didn't. But since it's narrowed to the two of them, it's just been that same distance.
Biden by 10, nationally. Biden by seven, Biden by eight.
It just stayed there. Whereas last time it fluctuated wildly up and down. But Hillary had that fainted and had pneumonia at the 9-11 thing. And then we had the Access Hollywood tape and then Comey's got the emails. And this time around, the world events have been so much bigger.
Yeah. Well, the president got COVID. That was October's surprise. Yeah. An impeachment, a pandemic, the president getting it, the rallies, the country was burning. And the polls have just chugged along at the same pace. Just seems everyone's either not paying attention, possibly, or have made up their minds. Yeah. So it seems more likely. So because there's a lot of postal votes this time around, and at the last election, there was a really low turnout. We couldn't see a result of this election for weeks. It's possible. Yeah.
And one of the things we should be thankful for every day is the Australian Electoral Commission because they just don't have that over there. Each state runs its own election. And so the election doesn't really finish until a candidate concedes.
That's when it's over. Can anyone see Donald Trump conceding if there's a doubt? No. So that he needs to win on the day. Who knows? Yeah.
Or otherwise, like what happened in 2000 where, you know, that went down to the wire and Al Gore actually got more, like he got more votes, but then it ended up in the Supreme Court, which... And Kavanaugh was there too, wasn't he? Yeah, he was around. Jeb Bush was the governor in Florida at the time, and his brother was running. There was a whole lot of thing going.
Again, that election only finished when Al Gore called George Bush and conceded. Yeah. You know, the Supreme Court made its ruling. Al Gore conceded. The race was over. Yeah.
If that doesn't happen, then you've got real trouble. And all of it, you know, Axios had the story in the last couple of days about Trump preparing to just declare it on Wednesday night, come out, claim victory. Fight about the rest of my day. I hope Joe's got a plan, because that's very likely. They'll have lawyers, I promise you that.
Yeah. And if this drags on, the closer you get to gender... The difference is Trump's going to be able to declare it in front of a room full of cheering people, and Biden's going to come out in front of 20 cars like he's been doing. Yeah.
Delaware, we did it. There's the Joe Biden Rest Center in Delaware.
It's good. Let's pull in the car rest center. It's good information maps, McDonald's, that kind of thing. Chips and gravy. Now let's talk about the fun stuff.
The possibility of Republican states swinging blue. I don't think there was this much chatter of that, obviously, last election. And there probably wasn't. I mean, did Arizona ever swing under Obama? No, because that was John McCain. But even in 2012, Romney carried it pretty comfortably.
What are your thoughts there? I mean, we haven't actually made any predictions in this, which is very clever of us.
New Mexico is going to go blue, 100%. New Mexico will go blue.
Again. I think you're right.
Colorado will stay blue. It's one that's drifted away. I think Arizona is a really interesting state.
Good state for Joe Biden, generally. Mike Kelly, the astronaut, he's running for the Senate there. Gabby Gifford's husband. He looks immoral to win that Senate seat, which is John McCain's old seat. Cindy McCain, John McCain's wife, has campaigned for Joe Biden. There's a whole host of Arizona statesmen, people that have come out and supported Biden.
I suspect Arizona will be one of the first to go. Michigan, you expect, will go back. Wisconsin, Milwaukee's had a lot. And plus the riots there. I suspect that will go back. That would be enough for Joe Biden to win only just, but would be enough to win the Electoral College if that's what happens. And then some pretty funny states. Georgia, North Carolina, Florida, Pennsylvania, we know about. They were all blue under Kennedy with LBJ, a lot of them. That would make sense.
LBJ was governor of Texas. Texas is, when you think of a Texan Republican.
Austin's getting bigger. Houston's getting bigger. El Paso. Live music's going to change that state forever. Austin's a great city.
When you think Texan Republican, you don't necessarily think red cap MAGA, do you? No, you don't.
That's kind of the feel. So like not too far removed from Bill Clinton, really. Yeah, exactly. Arkansas is just next door. So that all makes sense.
If Texas goes, and I suspect that's a really long bow, even if they've gotten within two points, that's the hardest two points in politics, trying to get Texas over the line. If Texas goes, then it's a day of reckoning for the Republicans. They're going to make some really big decisions about who the hell they are, because if you can't win Texas or California or New York or Pennsylvania or Florida, where are your votes coming from? Well, I'm pretty sure there's only so many states in the middle that you can like.
Pretty sure that Bill Clinton in 96 didn't even win Arkansas, but he flipped Louisiana and Alabama. How did they go last time, Louisiana?
Were they? They're pretty red.
That was Louisiana during some pretty nasty days of David Duke, the old KKK guy. He was still running around in there. And I think Jesse Jackson was around for a while. That was a really strange couple of years down there.
So no, they're pretty, pretty safe. The old south, as it's known, it's all pretty safe red country.
Yeah. If North Carolina goes though, it's going to be big. There's a good Senate race in South Carolina. There's a lot of those. Georgia's a great, you know, with, with Atlanta, huge African American population.
It's the, the, the one that's always threatened again. The one that I think Democrats have really eyed off for the last, last couple of elections and haven't quite got there.
There's a couple of majority non-white cities in America. There's Baltimore, Atlanta, Florida nowadays as well. And a couple of those ones. To Miami, maybe. Even Alabama, they've got some, like there's some quite high African American populations down there that just haven't turned out with the, the race.
And do you think Biden has like more so than, than the Democrats could usually expect Biden has the African American vote locked in just due to his, his time with Obama? His time with Obama, you know, he's, he's, he's well-known. Jim Clyburn endorsed him, who is a guy in South Carolina. He's the democratic whip, a really important figure.
And then, you know, I don't think you can also sort of, we can't thumb our nose at the fact that Kamala Harris is number two on the ticket and that's significant. So I think he'd be, he'd be pretty confident of a big turnout there. Do you think the turnout is going to be bigger now that they've got the postal votes now so more people don't have to leave their home to vote really? Yeah, I think so. I also think that there's so much going on.
You know, if, if the last four years, one way or another hasn't inspired you to vote, when are you ever voting? When are you ever going to get out and vote if it's not now?
So those postal votes are like, you know, some States have had more postal votes than they had on election day last year, last term. What do you think is motivating these people? Cause you wouldn't imagine that with the rhetoric Trump's been throwing around about how he's not even going to count postal ballots, you don't imagine that his base would be mailing them in, they'd be waiting for the day. You would think so. And certainly the, the polls are showing sort of two to one Republican of those that are intending to vote on election day, but you have to count the votes. This idea of not counting the votes, they, you know, it's, it's just, it's not the way it works. And certain States will do it, like Florida counts early and counts those, those pre-poll votes.
So I think this whole thing is seen in the prism of COVID, but also of the president. People are either very for him or very against him. Yeah.
He, you know, the, we used to say the, on the campaign, the keyword was the E-word that was electability. The Democrats all just wanted someone that could beat him, could beat Donald Trump. And they didn't know who it was, but that was their main target. Now the keywords, the E-word is enthusiasm. And while a lot of Democrats may not be that enthusiastic about Joe Biden, they certainly are about voting out Donald Trump. And they, and they, even if they're not that enthusiastic, they're far more activated than they were with Hillary.
Yep. Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to sit this one out like perhaps they did last time. One thing you learn watching that Comey rule TV show was that, and it was a prediction that was made by the FBI director's wife early on in the program and said how men come out to vote against a woman with more force than women come out to vote in a woman. Yep. Yeah.
And even the, I mean, you can see what's happening with the polling internally, that those suburban women, that's this big target market, right? The ones that everyone wants. And the president came out and said it when he was at the rally the day and said, suburban women, please like me.
I mean, talk about saying that the quiet part out loud, like that's, that's obviously what the message is. That's what the purpose. Yeah. The pollsters have got to him and Kellyanne's telling him this is where we need to improve. So that's, that's the battleground.
Whether it would be more palatable having Kamala Harris number two on the ticket, whether that makes it easier, I don't know. Interesting that both Jill Biden and Melania Trump have been out doing their own events. The one person we haven't seen a lot of which surprised me is Michelle Obama. Apart from during the convention, you know, she's such a powerful force. And I don't think there's a more liked figure in America than her.
So where does she land though? Where does she land as a, um, you know, as an inspiring figure, is it, is it in the suburbs or is it in the boardrooms?
Yeah, you could be right. I'm not sure. I suspect it's the, you know, people like our mums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People who watched Oprah. Yeah, exactly right. But we'll, we'll see.
But clearly that's an area that, that Joe Biden is either doing well at or the president's doing badly at, cause that's what the polling is saying. That's why he's saying that on stage.
Okay. So can you tell us, uh, mind you, there's only one prediction we've made, which is New Mexico is going to swing. Mexico is going blue. You can put a pencil in California, maybe Washington state. Yeah. Where do you think we're heading with this, um, I guess misinformation.
It is different this time around. Facebook has done a bit. Twitter has done a bit to reign in. YouTube, not so much, but like there was some of the shit that was on like in your newsfeed this time, four years ago.
Hillary's got AIDS. Hillary's got a secret layer of children's sex ring underneath the pizza.
The Pope endorses Trump.
Yeah. All that kind of stuff. You know, a million people like this and definitely 5 million read this. Yeah.
Where do you think all this energy is going to go? Because it's obviously gone dark. A lot of that kind of misinformation. We're talking about the queue. We can go there. But say the American electorate realizes they don't suffer fools anymore and they're not voting on those kinds of anxious kind of conspiracies. Where does that energy go? Does it go in, does it manifest itself in a bunch of spree shootings or?
I hope not. Yeah. I hope not. Certainly it's, you're right about going dark.
You know, Facebook's made an effort. Twitter's made an effort, but there's also, people can just publish their own, you know, I wonder how many people have their own QAnon podcast or have their own, you know, like Alex Jones has a YouTube channel.
Like you just tack onto that. Yeah. You know, and it's just shit. Yeah.
But if people are buying into it, then, you know, it's going to have an impact. All this stuff about, you know, cabals that are harvesting children.
And I figure here in Australia, we don't quite buy into that shit, but I hope we don't anyway. Is it fairly mainstream? Is that a worry? Like, is it?
Yeah. It's becoming more mainstream, right? Yeah. Like when, and there are families that are fighting over it and there are people that are, you know, in conflict with neighbors over it. Yeah. Cause we, we all remember, we've all had a cab driver that told us Kevin Rudd is like a Jesuit kind of puppet, you know? Yeah. And that's, that's a late night cab conversation. Yeah. Is this, yeah, this is in the suburbs. It's a bit easy when the conspiracies were about Area 52, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The conspiracies about aliens or something. That was a bit easier. That's something. And I just wonder whether these people have always had these crazy theories. Now they can meet up and talk about it. Yeah. And now they have a place and found a home where on a Reddit thread somewhere. Yeah. They can discuss it and it can become more mainstream. We'll find out this week whether that kind of, that stuff's landed or not. And clearly Russia, perhaps China have worked out this is a good way of doing things. Yeah. And you know, there's certain members of the Australian parliament that have taken that a bit far as well. Yeah. So the bachelor. Yeah. One of them. Yeah. And so we'll see. Yeah.
You know, it could be that we've, we've, we've missed it. And you know, I think everyone's, the one thing about this election is everyone is so snake bitten, so scared by what happened four years ago, not the result, but the fact that everyone was wrong. Everyone knew what was going to happen on election day and we're all wrong. Yeah. So I think part of that reaction is to listen to every person's opinion and just think maybe they're right this time around. And part of that is to drastically overestimate the president's chances of reelection. I think we're all doing both, but you still have a chance of being elected. So it may prove that that was right.
What do you think Trump is going to do with himself if he loses? They're the two biggest questions, right? What's he going to do next? Yeah. What does he do next? What the Republicans do next?
And do the two of them align? Trade advisor, trade advisor for the UK. He and Nigel Farage.
Certainly Trump TV is a real opportunity and a real possibility. There's a big market there for him. Clearly he has people that will watch people that enjoy his message. He, I think he would admit he's most happy when he's doing that and can be in charge.
Yeah. Trump TV would be. I wouldn't be surprised if one of his early phone calls is to governor Andrew Cuomo, who may become attorney general Andrew Cuomo, because he's obviously got some problems that need to be sorted with taxes. Yeah.
And that will be like a really fascinating part of what happens if, if the president loses. And then the biggest question is what are the Republicans do? Because that that's, what's been the most notable change in the last four years is that this party of policy, the party of Reagan and Eisenhower and Nate Lincoln has become this party of personality completely behind Donald Trump.
And it worked electorally, but if it, that only works until it stops working. Yeah, it stopped working in Queensland on the weekend.
Yeah, exactly. And so then it becomes, well, Republicans, who are you? Yeah.
They had a plan heading, I guess, out of Mitt Romney. They had a plan, you know, they went from McCain, who was the POW, which, you know, the ex-military Republican, you know, probably fiscally conservative, socially conservative, but socially centered conservative. And then that was the last of them. That's what they always looked like. And then you kind of go, Mitt Romney, and you've got, you know, money, money. And then they kind of had this new identity where there were a lot of Cuban. A lot of conservative Latino people tacking onto it. And then it just got hijacked.
Well, they can see the demographics as well, right? They can see the way America is moving. The white population, particularly the white farmers, the rural is shrinking. And it's more multicultural and it's more diverse.
If you can't become that party, well, then you're in big trouble moving forward. And we talk about Texas, like you start losing Texas and California and New York.
There's a hundred electoral college votes done straight away. Behind a hundred.
Where did you start?
It's just too hard to fight back. So that's what they've got to ask themselves. And again, Donald Trump might win. This is a question for four years later.
If he doesn't though, well, are they Marco Rubio? Are they Nikki Haley? Like that old Reagan concern? Yeah. Are they Mike Pence? Are we super Christian, Midwest, are shucks? That's the question. Or are they like Dan Crenshaw?
Who is the African American Republican?
No, no, no. I repeat valet. No, the old man, Tim Scott, that he put his hand up.
All my put his hand up and spoke at the Republican convention this year. And everyone was kind of, it was a bit more moderate. Tim Scott was one of the, he's a Senator, Republican Senator.
I think he's the, I think they're on the African American center that he's a real star as well. So there's a few, like there's obviously there's, there's that wing of the party and it just depends whether the Trump wing or the party wing wins out post this again, the president might win and, you know, everyone's okay. And then if the president doesn't win, he has to ask is, you know, is it close enough that he runs in four years time?
Because it's happened before. You can't, so you can't go back, grow the Cleveland lost and came back and, and served a second term, so non-consecutive terms only happened once before.
But, and he'll be, he'll be exactly the age that Joe Biden is now. So what is he going to be talking about in four years, sitting at home on the phone?
Yeah. And just one last question. We have to ask about the X factor in this election. That's Kanye West. Yeah. How much of an impact do you think he's going to have? Kanye's birthday party. If any. I think the third party turnout of all descriptions. Yeah. The Greens, Jill Stein. Alliance, Constitution. Yeah.
The libertarians. Becoming one nation.
And and Kanye West's birthday party will have a very small turnout this time around. And, and Kanye in, in him, in himself will probably have the smallest of those ones because if you are inclined to vote for Kanye West, you're probably not inclined to line up and do it. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's funny to vote for Kanye. It's less funny on hour six of lining up to cast a vote that's not going to matter so you can take a photo of your ballot or something.
Yeah. If you voted for Kanye, you've already done it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, you might just tell everyone you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I voted for, I mean, he's not even registered in half the States. So he's, I mean, I don't think he's A non-event. I think he's as big a concern as the Pittsburgh Gazette, formally endorsing Donald Trump today for the first time, endorsing a Republican since 1972.
So that's a, that's an interesting one, but yeah, let's just wait and see. Texas, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Michigan. They might be the ones that decide it. Yeah. My, my theory is Cheats Wave watching on Wednesday, obviously watch Nines coverage will be on all day, but the Cheats Day of watching is there's five states of Florida, Arizona, Sunbelt, and then Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin. Win three of those five, you've probably won the election. Okay. That's the way. So 50, there's 45 other States. Plus there's DC. It may play through those, but really those key five states, you win three out of those five, either candidate, likely to get 270 electoral college votes. All right.
I'm going to need like a lie down or to be hosed down or something. After this weekend, I don't know. I'll just sort of stare into the void for a couple of months. You'll just be looking at the origin screen afterwards. Just not even taking anything.
There is one, one scenario where origin is still on and the election is still on and we have to do both. Well, that, that happened. That has happened before too. The, the, the lib spill, when Rudd got a labor spill, when Rudd got back in, there was, there was a lot of rugby league fans who were learning a lot about the inner workings of the labor party. In the machinations of the New South Wales right.
Well, thanks for joining us, Crouch. Anytime. Thank you, fellas. The male model from Maitland. |
ClickHole | listen_to_these_history_scholars_describe_what_abraham_lincoln_sounded_like | People often imagine President Lincoln with a deeper voice, but first-hand accounts from that era consistently describe the 16th president as sounding high-pitched and very, very wet. His voice was kind of a soggy squeal, like a fire alarm that came to life and then immediately drowned. Stephen Douglas, Lincoln's rival senatorial candidate in 1858, wrote, Over the course of our debates, I've come to develop a true respect for the piercing, wet gargle coming out of that skeleton mouth of his. It's believed that the origin of Lincoln's speaking style can be traced to his boyhood in the Kentucky backwoods, where the bird prank happened. The bird prank was a formative experience for Lincoln's voice. He was just nine years old when, after a long day of work on the farm, his father pranked him by putting a tiny live bird in Lincoln's bowl of stew. Lincoln swallowed it, and the wet bird fused to his vocal cords, creating Lincoln's signature damp chirp. No one's 100% sure what species of bird it was, but old photos of Lincoln's throat suggest a sandpiper or perhaps a snipe. As we understand it, Lincoln was a man with many different speaking modes.
When speaking to his wife or any other female acquaintance, he would never close his mouth. Even as president, his mouth was always wide open if a woman was within 100 feet of him. Lincoln talking to his wife would approximate to something along the lines of Alternatively, if Lincoln was speaking to soldiers of the Union Army, he'd never open his mouth. He kept it closed as a sign of respect for the military.
Later on in his life, shortly after the Civil War ended, Lincoln got shot, and that gave him a rich, smooth baritone. John Wilkes Booth walked into Ford's Theatre, said, Lincoln, I simply got to see that bird, shot the president in the head, and just like that, Lincoln's voice dropped four octaves. Almost immediately, Lincoln was rushing the stage and began singing with his brand new resonant voice. Lincoln supposedly sang for three hours before he passed on, swatting away every doctor who tried to treat the bullet wound in his head. He sang and sang, taking requests from the audience and punching doctor after doctor until he finally wandered into the theater's bathroom and passed away while serenading people inside the stalls. Lincoln's farewell concert was a bittersweet moment in American history. On the one hand, people got to hear the president sing all their favorite songs in his brand new baritone.
On the other hand, he died in the bathroom. Beyond the wisdom of Lincoln's words, it was the sopping, wet way in which he articulated them and the deep base of his final sing-along that made his legacy one of the most profoundly consequential in American history. He was truly one of a kind. |
SaturdayNightLive | luvahs_surprise_birthday_party_saturday_night_live | Virginia, these cookies are delicious! Is that Annis that I taste in there? The licorice flavor you taste is from a spice known as Annis. Yeah, that's what I said, Annis.
Oh, quick! I hear the car of my lover! Histo Baru has pulled up the driveway! Everyone to your hiding areas, be swift, be swift! Hello, Virginia! I rented sister Act! Oh, what a splendid surprise!
Happy 47th Birthday, Lover! Oh, wonderful! have I pleased you, Lover? Ah, indeed. Ah, look who's here! my colleagues! the teaching assistants! And that Asian man from the library! Oh, I'm indeed a rich, rich man. And dare not I forget you, Virginia. my companion, my confidant, my lover. Hold soft, lover. another surprise awaits. No, but I have all a man could ask for. what do you have for me next? sweet Charroir? a surprise guest! and waiting for the appropriate signal. Cock-a-doodle!
Oh, no! it can't be my dearest friend from University, John Wehrigsby! John! Happy 47th Birthday, Roger! John and Roger were roommates as University.
Yes. we started an improvisational comedy troupe together. Yes. they called themselves Tequila Markingbird. Do you get it, everyone? Tequila Markingbird. Yeah. yeah, we get it. Wonderful.
Ah, so, John, I see you still walk with the cane. Yes, I still walk with Kane's aid.
And tell us, John, do you still have night frights concerning your fall? Does she mean nightmares? Yes. Even though the incident took place over two decades hence, I'm still plagued by night frights. Yeah. I think they mean nightmares.
Please, all, gather close to hear the tale of my leg injury. Yes. gather close. gather closer. gather. gather close. don't be shy. One summer, myself, Virginia, and my former roommates, Roger, were travelling by bicycle through the Irish countryside when we stopped by the Cliffs of Shaughnessy for a picnic of pickled eggs and sausages. the Cliffs of Shaughnessy is our most favourite spot for out-of-doors lovemaking in all of Europe. Mmm. Roger and I wasted no time eagerly spreading out on the dewy grass to commence the act of lovemaking immediately. Methinks I heard the Celtic drew his laugh with pleasure. not once, but twice. laughter. Being sans lover, I crossed the meadow to give Raj and Virg the privacy of the sight of their roiling, convulsing bodies against the emerald hills. Turned my thoughts to onanism. is that. yeah. I'm sure you can all imagine what came next. I began to play with my balls. self-pleasure, the lost art. my ministrations were glorious. such that at the height of my pleasure, I lost my footing on the dewy grass and plummeted 80 feet to the rocky crack below. at first we mistook his cries of pain for moans of pleasure. yeah. did not seek medical attention until the next morning. Yeah. Though my leg was forever disfigured, that incident is the greatest achievement of my life. Yeah. the free fall release.
Please, all, gather up a dining hutch where you'll find all of Roger's favourite foods, succulent hands, spiced lamb shanks, roast goose and grecian umusaka. What? Yes. each piece of food intended for my lover's tongue has been tenderly handled over and over again by my deft and flickering fingers. Ah. friends! friends! Asian man from the library! Come, gather to watch as my lover hand feeds me.
Ah. I gotta get in on this. please, John. you know what, I think we're just gonna take off here. No, we're good. Thank you so much. Happy Birthday Now. people are leaving. Oh, oh, Roast Goose, bye-bye. would you two like to be alone? no, no. nonsense, the party's just beginning. we are going to make birthday love. it would mean so much if you will watch. I would be honoured. to the hot tub, then. as long as it's not too high up.
Come, lovers, carry me possum-like into the night. ow, ow, my back. what? You know I have a bad back. but I thought maybe you. well, you thought wrong. get the hell off me! damn, you forgive me. |
cracked | when_making_fun_of_bad_tv_isn_t_worth_it | Okay, I've got my coffee protein bar sweat towel, and I won't need another bathroom break for two hours 38 minutes You all set I am on it. I got my bucket acoustic guitar Number for an escort service this is all a jar of urine mine Rice crispy treat jar of urine someone else Michael stop. What is this? What is all this? No, we're doing a live blog we're live blogging an event and why would you need your own urine for a drug test?
Yes, you're right No, Michael, what did I say? Two minutes the daytime emmys are gonna start and we are the only way our readers can get sharp up to the minute commentary I'm sorry watching it. Yes, except by watching it. Yes, we're gonna stay here watch the Emmys and make funny funny jokes No matter what okay, no matter what?
Okay All right, no matter what this I vow Daniel I will make it happen even should a series of cartoonish event Attention mindless employees There has been a bomb threat to the office by the time you hear this recording I will have a ready to roll ugly jump through the window of my six floor office Evacuate immediately should you choose to stay your families will not be compensated and no one will warn you Jesus Christ Michael what are you doing? The chief just said there's a bomb in the building. Oh, I heard what he said I also heard what you said Daniel Why is it that the one time you decide to listen to me just happens to be during a terrorist attack Name of this song but damn it. You're right our readers depend on us and we can't let them down Let's live blog But if we're gonna do this we're gonna do this right we're gonna take turns searching for that bomb while the other one live blogs I'll go first I've never been more attracted to you Hello Could be is that you Shut up. Listen, the Bob's not on this floor.
How's the live blog? I don't know what just started Regis Philbin kind of looks like a penis. That sounds sick with comedic potential I'm on my way Oh Michael where's the Ray just fell down. It was hilarious.
Where the hell are you bombs not in your car? Wait, how did you get in my car? It's a spare key in your apartment. It's not fair either We need to talk about its boundaries, but get back man, please if I go down today I'll be going down with my best friend. We're just colleagues you too, buddy Susan Lucci once again nominated for best actress because they still don't have a category for shriveled piece of You look like poo I hate you send Money Jesus where'd you find it? What? Oh right, um Third floor ladies restroom. I actually remembered that I saw it there earlier when I was There's not a lot of timeline.
I'll be able to help you in one second red wire Green wire red wire green wire. Stop saying wires. There are no wires. There were never any wires Dan I'm colorblind and Sometimes I see wires that aren't there and star Jones is like the iceberg Okay, we're running out of time delusionary wire phasia.
It's recognized by the DSM. I don't think it is. Okay We've got 40 seconds to disarm this bomb and we don't know how bombs work We also have 35 seconds to get this last live log on the internet, right? And who knows how the internet works like the bottom line is if we post this to the internet We're not gonna make it out of here alive. But if we leave my god The internet will never know how I feel about guiding lights crystal chapel. She is so underrated I think we know what we have to do. I think you're right partner What we're posting Well, I posted the live log now what now We wait Oh Bray You know, it's taking a lot longer than I thought probably could have made it out Well, do you wanna? Don't think we could now right?
There's so much to do. I Wish I could have seen France just once We should call you hombre more often I've been nice T-bone Thelonious you came back for us now with my wave runner here If I disarm this bomb as long as I was around, you know, how did this arm a bomb? You own a wave runner. I did some things for the military Learn a few tricks black ops. It's boring I'm gonna take this Wow T-bone is like Super bad. Yeah, I'm like Really terrifying absolutely Any comments on there a couple of first spelled wrong Link to a dating website for tall people looks like someone called you Darth gator Is it a mix between gay and Darth Vader? Yes that that is what that is tough break on break I am sick of that name. Oh, yeah, me too. I want to know is who planted the bomb in the first place You know, I guess we'll just never was damn you are good |
dropout | peter_pan_s_ladies | Oh, Peter! Neverland was everything I hoped for! Can we return soon? Absolutely!
I have to fly, but we'll be in touch. Write me! Hey, Wendy. It's me, Peter. I'm back.
Sorry it took so long. It's just that he's in here. Oh, Peter. Oh, sorry. I forgot that you people do that. Mom, is everything okay?
Jane, Peter, Peter's returned to take me to Neverland. Both of you. I've returned to take both of you to Neverland. But Peter... Wendy, Neverland is both for the young and the young at heart.
I don't believe in fairies. Oh, my God! Take your bells down.
You have to go sing to her. I thought clapping saved fairies. Yeah, clapping works too.
Go for it. Shouldn't we go get help? Yeah, yeah. No, that's a great idea. Let's go to Neverland, and then we'll go get help. Jane, Jane, I'm back.
Shh, be quiet. I don't want to wake up, Wendy.
Peter. God damn it. It's been years. I can see that.
Mom, who is that? It's no one, Emily.
He was just leaving. But Jane, Captain Hook, just captured the Lost Boys, and they need her help. Hold on.
You are not going to break another girl's heart. Break another girl's heart?
I was going to take the both of you. And me? Of course I was going to take you.
You're the most beautiful of the family. Is that your actual skin?
Peter. Okay, fine.
I'll take her. I'll carry her with me. Yeah, my shadow is going to take you too.
See? I told you he's got it covered. Away! Peter? Hey. You awake? My name's Peter.
Want to learn how to fly?
Oh, ladies. Hi. I was actually just coming to get you. Take her. It'll be a good experience. You sure? We got to go. Why not her? Hi.
Oh my God! You know what? Neverland is actually closed. I just remembered that. Are you sure? You don't need her to fight pirates. You know, honestly, I'd rather fuck Wendy at this point. No. Let's do this! Huh. |
cracked | why_they_re_lying_to_you_about_voter_fraud | Hello everyone, my name is Daniel O'Brien.
I'm the creative director for Cracked and the author of two books about presidents and how crazy they are. And true story, I once wrote an ill-advised article called So You've Kidnapped the President's Daughters. And the government made us take it off our website, sent us a subpoena to get the information of the people who commented on that article, and brought me into the downtown LA office of the Secret Service for questioning.
And since then, I get randomly stopped three out of five times that I fly. There's a picture you can see. That's a random TSA search tag that appears in almost every bag I've ever checked since I wrote my light-heartedly treasonous article about what to do if you've ever accidentally kidnapped the child of a sitting president. I am almost certainly on at least one list that someone in the government has to monitor, and yet I can still vote in every election.
I would like you to at this point please note my crushingly inescapable whiteness, as that is almost definitely a factor, and my now upper middle class financial standing, which is a million percent a factor. That's right. Today, we're talking about race, class, sex, voting rights, and f***ing. And yes, I included f***ing to hold your attention, even though sex won't actually play a factor into this story. But holy sex, let's get a title card in here. I agree with you that everything is terrible everywhere.
And there are moves being made right now to take away healthcare from the people who need it the most. And we have an unhinged president who is blowing into the lit kindling of a small spark that will bloom into a full-blown forest fire of increasingly warlike tensions with North Korea. But I believe with every part of me that the Republican drive to revamp voter registration laws is stealthily the most important political issue of our lifetime. Sorry, all of the other very important issues, but this is where I'm planting my flag. There's a lot of legislation coming out right now about voting rights, and let's get into them.
Iowa recently passed legislation that claims to work to fight voter fraud. For many years, politicians and lawmakers have been preaching about the sheer amount of elections swayed by the votes of illegal, unregistered voters. Nefarious people are sneaking into our country so the narrative goes to vote in our elections legally to support the candidate of their choice. Politicians like Kansas' Secretary of State Chris with a K-yuck, Kobach, have been warning us about this problem for years. And even our president has preached about the threat of undocumented immigrants who are voting. It's why he claims today that he would have won the popular vote if we didn't count illegal votes. He brought up the possibility of widespread voter fraud as potentially the only reason he could lose the election while on the campaign trail.
He cited a study and everything. The following comes from a 2014 report from the Washington Post. This article was entitled, Could Non-Citizens Decide the November Election?
Politicians are now rushing through a number of bills that on paper combat voter fraud and make sure every election is fair and no longer tainted by illegal voters trying to sway an election for their evil purposes. The problem is there is no problem. Widespread voter fraud isn't, according to the most recent studies, a thing. Documented voter fraud is virtually non-existent. Widespread voter fraud is literally a non-issue.
And in fact, that study that President Trump liked to cite on the campaign trail that we talked about earlier, A, has since been debunked. B, he misquoted it.
And C, it was initially born as a study designed to investigate specifically why immigrants who come to America choose not to vote. True story, the author of that paper looked around and discovered that immigrants and refugees and other international transplants by and large choose not to vote in American elections, made a study about it, and somehow this is the study that Republican lawmakers cite when attempting to stir up fear on the subject of un-American voter fraud. So, we know that there hasn't been an instance of widespread voter fraud influencing election in modern politics because widespread voter fraud isn't a thing, and most eligible immigrant voters choose not to vote, let alone ineligible voters.
So why are we even talking about this? Great question, convenient rhetorical device, because here's the important part.
All of the fear monitoring about massive voter fraud is done to drum up support for legislation that is designed to keep certain politicians in power. Politicians are systematically making it more difficult for people to vote, oftentimes using the rationale that these new laws stop voter fraud. We now know that this is a politically convenient solution to a problem that doesn't exist. Every voter registration law pushed forward is designed to discourage poor people, old people, and minorities from voting. Why? Because when those people vote, Republicans lose their seats. So they're trying to change the voting laws to make sure they keep winning and keep their jobs. And I know, Cracked is decidedly a nonpartisan entity, and we have never come out officially one way or the other for a particular party, and I don't want to alienate anyone, but we've got two parties, and one of them is trying to change laws to ensure they stay in power by making sure people who disagree with them can't vote.
Undeniably, that's what they're doing. And if anyone out there can drum up convincing proof that I'm wrong about that, I will happily make a follow-up video where I take a heated needle and carve I was wrong.
Progressives like me and Teddy Roosevelt are liars, and voter fraud is a huge problem onto the side of my dick, and yes, there are seven U's in huge. Anyone who has ever been systematically disenfranchised by the system is suspicious of voting, and anyone who feels like the system works for them isn't, and Republican lawmakers know this. So threats to voting rights come in the form of voter ID requirements, elimination of same-day voter registration, cutting short early voting periods, and purging voter rolls. These measures disproportionately impact low-income voters, people of color, and seniors. Republican lawmakers add steps. They add bureaucracy to voting because it discourages a huge swath of people from voting.
This makes voting into a luxury in this country. I am a well-paid person working a bullsh-t job, which means I'm allowed to say, I'm leaving early, or I'm coming in late to vote, or not coming in at all, and it doesn't matter from there or not, because my job is nonsense. But since Election Day isn't a national holiday, thanks Obama plus everyone, the working class of this country need to fit in voting around their jobs and adding bureaucratic steps that take time to do nothing but discourage hardworking Americans from voting. Today, I can tell my boss that I'm taking some time to vote, but 10 years ago, when I was poor and waiting tables, I couldn't. To put it even more simply, I was not free and eligible to vote for what minimum wage should be until a decade after I was being paid minimum wage, which in New Jersey at the time was $5.15.
Today, we're trying to make it $15. Fun stuff.
Hell, President Trump just launched a committee to investigate voter fraud that will be headed by Chris Kobach from before, who was truly revolting. He is a racist, snake-eyed maniac who has dedicated his entire life to make sure people who don't look like him can't vote. Every law for voter suppression is based around adding time, work, and money to voting, because Republicans know that that drives away people who are likely to vote against them.
It is a proven fact that in modern politics, when more people show up, that is to say when it is easier for Americans to vote, Republicans lose. When it comes to new legislation, it is the job of every American to ask, will this help me and my family, or will this help a politician keep his or her job? As for right now, we're in a perfect storm moment. We have a president who is so egotistical, insecure, and sad, and lonely, and frumpy, and he's got a world-class dumper, just a giant, sloppy, sloping, play-doh ass of an ass, and I can say whatever I want, because I've already been investigated by the Secret Service, I have a book called How to Fight Presidents, I Don't Care, Come at Me, Eat Sh**. And in addition to that, we have a bunch of effectless Republicans desperately trying to keep their jobs. The president is a baby who wants to be told that he won the popular vote, even if he didn't, so he wants to change the way we count votes. And the Republicans see this as an opportunity to change voting laws to make sure they keep their jobs forever. Duplicitous cowards are co-opting an insecure egotist to silence Americans to save their jobs. That's the shortest version I can think of to tell you what's going on right now. Here's how to help. Jason Kander, who served most recently as Missouri's Secretary of State Chief Elections Official, and also he's like funny and good, we like him, has launched Let America Vote to make sure there are political consequences for those who are trying to make it harder for eligible voters to cast their ballots. Before, we could count on the DOJ to fight these issues in court, but now that Jefferson Beauregard I can't even think of a more racist fake name who assigned to him Sessions the fucking third is in charge, we can bet that our government will not be a champion of voting rights anytime soon. Let America Vote is shining a light in areas where lawmakers don't want it, like the weird back rooms where they make these deals to restrict voting rights.
You know those rooms. There's a room that's fucking full of people who want to ruin life for the rest of us. It's like a giant room, it's crazy.
Access to the ballot box underpins every issue from healthcare to immigration to raising the minimum wage, and we need to make sure it is not stopped by politicians who are looking to keep their jobs. Call your representative today and say, hey, get fucking, or, nope, more constructively, go to letamericavote.com slash join to find out about how you can get your hands dirty and stand up for voting rights. Or the get fucking option. A lot of good options on the table. Mostly the second option is the good one. |
TheOnion | BREAKINGNEWS_Elon_Musk_Rushed_To_Hospital_After_Attempting_To_Impregnate_Toaster | Elon Musk has been hospitalized after severely burning the lower half of his body in a failed attempt to impregnate a toaster.
Sources confirm the 52-year-old tech billionaire was airlifted without pants from Austin, Texas, to the Grossman Burn Center in Kansas City, Missouri, to undergo an experimental grafting surgery aimed at repairing the third-degree grill marks on his penis, scrotum and thighs that had resulted from repeatedly thrusting his erect genitals into the plugged-in kitchen appliance.
According to witnesses, the Tesla CEO walked up to the communal KitchenAid four-slice toaster that sits in the company kitchenette, mumbled something about bridging the gap between man and machine, and let out a series of yelps as the hot metal seared into the flesh of his groin, grunting as he fought off anyone who tried to intervene before climaxing into one of the empty bread slots.
When asked for a statement, Musk's team responded, All great innovators must fail in order to succeed, while the toaster has declined to comment. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_29_paul_kelly | He's a giant of the Australian music scene, a giant of the Australian music industry, a giant of Australian music, a man who transcends the intergenerational divide and his career has spanned generations. He's a voice that's been a constant in the lives of many across this country. We are talking about Paul Kelly of course, the singer-songwriter who's given this country song after song, album after album and concert after concert.
And just before we get into our chat with Paul, it is worth mentioning that we will be going on a tour of our own this year, won't we Errol? That's right Clancy, come November time we will be heading out on the road with The Batooter Advocate roadshow. We're hitting 13 cities around the country starting off on the 3rd November in Townsville and wrapping up around a month later at the Sydney Opera House Concert Hall. So if you haven't got your tickets now, you should get them now before they all inevitably god willingly sell out. You can get them from www.batooteradvocate.com forward slash roadshow. We've sandwiched in places like Perth and Hobart too, so we'll be visiting all of you, all sides of the country at least, to talk about The Advocate's unique and authentic brand of journalism and how it is that we do what we do.
A brand of journalism that you don't get from these elite Sandstone University grads who write 2,000 word think pieces from everything about toxic masculinity to why the Beatles suck. Spot on Errol. Too many of these young kids are coming through who have never really been further west than Indooroopilly, Newtown or Fitzroy for that matter.
So that's why Central Queensland University are proud to be the sponsor of the podcast this week and that's why we're proud to have them. And despite their name, they do have campuses all across the country, not just places like Rocky and Bundaberg. That's right, they are all over the mainland and they pride themselves on being practical. A practical uni that gives people the skills they need. So if you are looking to study, be what you want to be with CQ University. Yes, and once again, just a special thank you to CQ University for getting behind the podcast this week.
And another thank you to Paul Kelly, who's just stepped into the studio to be with us right now. Well, here we are at Desert Rock FM in downtown Batuta. Mr Paul Kelly, thanks for joining us. G'day guys. Thanks for coming in, mate. Now you've had a bit of a flutter of albums last year and now this year, Nature, you released.
How much are you working? Are you on it every single day? No, I'm not.
But the songs for this record have come over the last few years and I've just been sort of putting them aside and waiting till they sort of spoke to each other and made something coherent. So it was a bit of a surprise that it happened this quickly, this record, just a year since the last one. But I'm sort of, you know, I'm of the view that if you've got a song, record it, put it out and move on. So I've got a record company that's pretty open to that. And they're pretty good at taking anything I throw at them. And tell us, with this album, Nature, have any been on your mind for a while? Or are they, is it the last couple of years for most of them? Or are those kind of ones that you kind of wanted to write and finally got round to getting into them? I think there's a song called Seagulls of Seattle, which is probably the oldest. And that's been around for a while. It was just a poem. And then when these other songs started coming along that sort of had like themes of nature, I thought I'll get that one out from the back of the cupboard. So that's sort of how it works. Some of the songs are quite recent and then makes you think of other songs that didn't get released. But they're all pretty much recorded in the last year or so. Did you record them slowly over the year or did you kind of wait until they all got in a line and then you went in the studio and just smashed it out? Yeah, when I go in to record, the way I record over the last four or five years, it's not really with a particular album in mind, just whatever songs I've got, I'll get the band together and we just record them and then I sort of sort the songs later. So it's sort of like that. I did a record called Merry Souls Sessions, which was like all in one go, these are the songs. But the rest of the time, it's just record what I have and then put albums together out of that.
So life is fine in nature. To me, they're like their companions to each other, sort of like salt and pepper. They're different, but they sort of belong together.
Your music translates across the country. I have just a bigger following out here in the back of Western Queensland, as you would in Melbourne or Hobart or Adelaide. Did you travel a lot as a young man or to this day, you still travel? Because it's kind of like a lot of the places you sing about, a lot of places where you resonate aren't the type of places where you could actually even find a hall to play in. Well, years ago, I did a song by Kev Carmody called Ellie from the Diamantina River Country. Ended up on the Goldie. So, you know, that's probably part of the reason for my huge popularity in Western Queensland, doing those Kev Carmody songs.
Actually, I've got cousins in Longreach. Durin Bandy? Well, my cousin organised a concert in Durin Bandy. That was the one that lives in Longreach, Charleville. So, they've sort of got lots of cousins. So, maybe that's everywhere I go, there's some cousins going to buy the record or come to the gig.
Yeah, is the family originally from down south and they moved up? Or would Queensland be able to claim you in some regard as having... Originally from Adelaide and then the late 70s after, well, quite a while after my dad died, Mum moved up with some of the younger kids. There was eight of us, so still some of the younger ones moved up with her. Well, I left home by then. But they moved up to Ormer, which is halfway between Brisbane and the Gold Coast. So, and that sort of became family headquarters. My other brothers and sisters stayed up there and had kids and so on. My nephew, Dan Kelly, grew up around there. So, there's a real Queensland connection.
Now, you've done 24 albums in 40 years. That's almost Slim Dusty numbers, Paul. That's like, that's a lot of work you've been putting.
I never catch Slim.
I think he got to 105 or something. Yeah, he did. Yeah, 105 albums of original work. Yeah, that's a...
Yeah, well, Slim had this great phrase, which I still use with the band because I know, I played with Ian Simpson, a new banjo player who played with Slim a lot. And he said, every time Slim went into the studio, they would cut their songs and then there might be someone too short to say, now, have you got any offcuts? Have you got any offcuts around here? You know, meaning songs you've recorded the year before. It's sort of a good philosophy. He didn't seem to waste much, Slim, you know. You'd sort of find a way, find a use for a song if you'd recorded it. So, I'm probably a bit the same. Do you think if you asked him, though, like, all right, Slim, what was the fourth track on your 63rd album? He'd say, oh, or, I don't know. He'd say, oh, do you think you'd be able to play it?
How easy is it to play and remember songs for you? That are from a while ago. I have to keep playing them to remember them. Then there's some songs that I think it's a point where you've played them enough that they sort of, I think they'll probably, they'll never go away. So, I suspect that when I can't remember, when I can't speak, when I can't hardly eat, I'll probably still be able to remember the words of some of those songs. But a lot of the old ones do drop away unless I'm playing them.
Have you ever had a moment where you're playing somewhere and then someone in the crowd, you know, it's a given that people are going to yell out, you know, songs or even some artists just get caisson regardless. But, you know, people yell out, play. Have you ever had a fan just surprise you with a song that you couldn't even remember, like a diehard yell out, you know, play that song from the third album?
Yeah, yeah, quite a bit. Yeah, generally I know the song and sometimes I've had a crag and said, oh, yeah, I remember that one. And I have a go, I start it and then get halfway through. Oh, what comes next?
Speaking of Slim, I remember touring in Yuendemu. It was not long after he died, 2003. And we were just about to go on stage and there was no sort of backstage area, we were just like leaning in the back of a truck. And then these two old Aboriginal stockmen came up and they said very quietly, you're going to play a Slim song.
So I did. Yes. Yes, you don't say no. Now, the travelling around has happened a lot with bands and stuff.
How do you find you work? Do you reckon there's a lot more admin when you've got a bit of an entourage or do you find solo nowadays you can just kind of, you're into a groove?
Yeah, I think there's advantages to both. Upsides and downsides to both.
I mean, travelling with a band, especially with the band I've been playing with, it's not like a squad, you know, so it's mostly the same players I play with. Like I said, Dan Kelly sometimes playing with me and sometimes Ash Nailer, sometimes both.
But they're all what I would call low maintenance people. There's no, everyone knows how to get up in the morning being at the lobby.
You know, there's no whinging. So no whinging band, that's no whinging policy. That's ideal.
I've known each other a long time, so that's all, you know, got to... The management is really well organised, so most of that time things run pretty smoothly. But it's rock and roll, things always happen. You know, planes get delayed, cars break down, equipment at the soundcheck is not working, but you've just got to roll with it.
A quick break now and as always we are coming to you from the Koala Mattress Studios here in downtown Batuta. Head to koala.com and use the promo code BLINKYBILL, all one word, for $150 off your next mattress.
Now back into the chat with Paul Kelly. We hope you enjoy the rest of the show. What was the last, as a kind of punter, what was the last kind of big concert you went to?
Kendrick Lamar. Yeah? Yeah. How was Kung Fu Kenny? Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was really great, really great. He was just at the top of his game. Didn't do really sort of perfect carbon copies of his songs on the record. He really had different ways of doing it. I thought it was a really good concert.
Did you see it? We did catch... Yeah, we caught him at Splendor in the Grass this year. Right.
I'm sure it was much less involved than his actual own concert. But a lot of people, regardless of genre or age, can see it, can see talent and see something they want to go and see. Do you do find that? It doesn't matter how our music genres change and develop and even tangent off, you can see how it's happened and what appeals to everyone in it? Oh, yeah. A lot of people, a lot of songwriters, will like music that's maybe quite different to what they do. It sounds like you're probably a bit more picky or critical about music that's considered roughly in your area, but I like to hear music that's nothing like what I make. I don't really seek out my kind of music, if you know what I mean. Yeah, but you have, in the past, supported artists like Bob Dylan in their tours around the country. How did you find that?
I like having a person from overseas come into your town and you've got to kind of be like, you know, oh, this is the end more, you know, this is a bit big Bob, you know, and be like, I'll go out there and I'll warm them up for you, mate. I'll warm them up for you, yeah.
I did some shows with Bob Dylan and Leonard Kahn. I sort of think of them both. I mean, that's probably the only time I've decided to open up. No, they were a big influence on me. What was interesting, they're both great, but their concerts were completely different, you know. Dylan's just kind of sort of off the cuff.
He's done a couple before. Just sort of keeping an eye on him to follow what he's doing. He doesn't really say much to the audience. Whereas Leonard Kahn was very, you know, very measured. Every little detail was thought out and planned. I did 10 shows with him and, you know, saw quite a few of them and every night was pretty much the same. He said the same words, but not once did it feel sort of like he was being...
Programmed. Yeah, because it felt more like a prayer. Yeah, yeah, right. Had a sense of ritual about it and it was just really, felt fresh and new every time. Yeah, right.
I'd never seen anything like it. That was probably the most extraordinary series of concerts I've ever seen.
Really? Like going to a masterclass. Not just in songwriting, but in the way he performed it. That is an absolute pro. Yes.
Now you're at the point where American artists come here to open for you in Australia, which is kind of like the reverse of what we're talking about. American artists come here and you open for them, you know, throughout your career.
And nowadays, Steve Earle. Had you dealt and been around Steve Earle prior to the last trip? Yeah, I met him just after his song, Guitar Town, came out. Right. I met him in Nashville, I think it was 1987. I was travelling with my manager at the time and he had a contact. Somehow we ended up meeting Steve in a little bar in Nashville. And we sort of just kept in touch and when he couldn't come out to play, he would invite me to the show and vice versa. So we just sort of kept loosely in touch over the years.
Yeah, yeah. On Facebook. Yeah.
He knows a lot about a lot of things. I think he's an unusual guy who took your leg off. But, you know, we spent two weeks together on tour. And usually if you spend that amount of time with someone who talks your leg off, you've sort of had enough by the end. But it's sort of different with Steve.
It's sort of, you know, it's always fun. He loves Shakespeare too. So, and he knows, when he sort of gets enthusiastic about something, he just studies it to the nth degree. So you start talking about Shakespeare and then he's, you know, he knows all this stuff about the, you know, the play, who acted in this version of the play, in what theatre, back in what year. No, he's sort of, he's got that sort of, or a real nerdy love of knowledge.
Yeah, yeah. A real zoning kind of character. Yeah.
Now tell us about the pub rock scene. You kind of were around for all that. And for a lot of people that saw it, they always talk about it. And for the people that missed it, they always wish they'd saw it. And a lot of people came out of that scene as well, as yourself that ended up having solo careers or kind of, you know, big touring careers. What was it like at that point? Did you guys know you were onto something when you saw kind of the chisels coming through and all these different cities where you run into each other and stuff? Was it, did you know that that was gonna be remembered as kind of an Australian, you know, a parcel of time that Australia always talks about in music?
No, not really. You just, when you're in something, you don't really, you can't really see it.
I mean, it was, it was good for bands cause you got to, you just got to work, you know. So even without being a well-known band or being, you know, that popular, you could still find work, you know, four or five nights a week. With that, I mean, when you say pub rock, I mean, pub rock is still around, but it's not as, there's not as many venues. And so most young bands would find it hard to play, play, you know, get gigs four or five nights a week. They have to sort of space it out. So it was good because the more you do something, the better you get at it.
So that was, I think that was a good school in that way. So there was no indication that ACDC was going to go from say a Darlow bar to playing it at Wembley in like eight or nine years time. Yeah, yeah. I think ACDC will do well and truly on their way by the time I start playing. But yeah, that's the whole thing about show business. You don't know, you know, somebody's suddenly going to get really popular. Yeah. You just, it's sort of- You've never had that where you never saw that where you saw a band playing in a dive bar and said, all right, I think we'll see. I think this one will go through.
I saw Jeff Buckley playing to about 15 people in New York, a little bar in New York. And I thought, this guy's pretty good. You know, it wouldn't, but it was silly. He was quite, you know, he had his style then and it was pretty, he had this incredible style. I wouldn't have known that was going to be so huge.
Yeah. His old boy was, he was in a band too, wasn't he? Old Tim Buckley. Yeah, greetings from LA. Yeah, that was a big record for me in the early 70s. Yeah. Yeah, sweet surrender.
So you had a crack at an arts degree as a young, young man. What was there before music and stuff, did you have any idea of getting into work or maybe join your cousins on the land or? I left school and then I didn't want to study straight away, so I travelled around. This was in 1972, just travelled around Australia. Didn't, it wasn't called a gap year then, but I guess that's what it was. And then I went to unis just because I, you know, an arts degree. I did study drama, history and philosophy.
I just didn't really like it. I wanted to, I was keen just to sort of follow my own nose with reading. I didn't want to, didn't feel like doing a course. So I dropped out pretty quickly with no regrets. Yeah. Well, it's paid off, I guess, to not continue arts degree. I wouldn't mind doing a course now. I could, you know, if I got some time, I wouldn't, I'd like to go, I like study, so I'd like, I could, I'm probably better equipped now to knuckle down and do a course of study than I was back then. Well, you're probably due for another gap year after this year.
Yeah, yeah. Back to back. Now tell us, the theme of water appears a lot in your music. Did you grow up near the beach? Did you, it's, I mean, it is a running theme and it could be a coincidence, but I kind of confirmed it for me on the last album, particularly on the, on the street first. Yeah, I'm well aware of it. I can't, you know, I just can't stop it.
I live near the water now and I love swimming and I love the ocean and body surfing. So I, when I go to a new city, I always look for the water, whether it's a river or the lake or the beach. I don't, I just, you know, I just, I like being by water.
I don't really, don't really know the reason for that.
Where we grew up in Adelaide was on the other side of, we're more towards the hills. If you know Adelaide at all, we were on the. Near the hilltops, hoods. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, where did they grow up? But we were towards the hills and then, but we used to go, this is in the sixties, our summer holidays, we would go to Tennyson beach, which is just still in Adelaide.
We'd all get in the car, load up and we're off on the holidays. I remember thinking, this is a huge, long trip. And we'd just drive to the other side of town and have the holiday on the beach. Just through city for the whole drive, yeah.
Do you reckon right now, it's at the point where you're doing so much work, where you could say at the end of this kind of, you've showed everyone this album, you could say, you know, just a bit before Christmas, you go, you know what, let's get another one. Let's do another one. Do you reckon you're at that point now where you can find that inspiration just at the back of a big job and jump into another one? No, no, I don't think so.
No, no. But there's always something, I guess there's always something. There's always a sort of, I'm not generally just working on one thing. So there's always a couple of things going on.
I'm working on a show at the moment with a classical trio, Seraphim, based in Adelaide. Pianist Anna Goldsworthy and Helen Ayres and Tim Nankervis on violin and cello. And I'm working with a composer, James Ledger from Perth, putting poems about birds to music, to sing with them.
So we've been sort of chipping away at that over the last year, year and a half. So that's starting to come to a point where it'd be ready to go. We're booked for the Adelaide Festival in March. So that's sort of waiting in the wings, I guess. So often you finish one thing, but there's something else sort of coming along.
Now, just before we kind of wrap, there's one particular song on this new album called A Bastard Like Me, for Charlie Perkins. That is a tribute to the late Charlie Perkins, I'm just guessing by the title, but what was your relationship with him? Because it's quite a song, I must say myself. I really enjoyed it. Well, I never met him, but I've worked with his daughter, Rachel Perkins, the filmmaker.
And we did a film called One Night at the Moon. It's like a musical film. During the making of that film, he died.
It was in 2000, so Rachel had to go home for a while. But I never met him, but I knew of him through his fairly well-known as a political activist and fighter for justice. I knew about the Freedom Ride, which is a trip that he really initiated with students from Sydney University to get on a bus and travel around the country towns and New South Wales and highlight injustices going on. And Rachel was doing a theatre show a few years back about the bungalow, which is a place where Charlie grew up, and many other young Aboriginal kids with mixed heritage. In part of the assimilation policy, they would take these, what they called half-caste kids and put them in this institution, take them away from their parents. Rachel was doing a project about that and sent me some more material about that place, the bungalow, and also she sent me Charlie's autobiography, which I read.
It's called A Bastard Like Me. I wrote a song, I wrote the song then, but hadn't recorded it until this year.
Well, you've kind of pre that Keating era rock where we were seeing a lot of that kind of music coming out of that kind of time with Goanna and Midnight Oil. You were kind of singing about a lot of different issues and stories involving Aboriginal people from a young age. Did you grow up around blackfellas or was it something you kind of from travelling around? No, it's more from travelling. No, we had a couple of Aboriginal kids at school, but didn't really know many people or many families. There's more from travelling around later on. And then early years with the band, the late 80s getting invited to playing communities. And one thing leading to another. I remember going to see No Fixed Address around 1981 in Melbourne and just meeting them after the show and then going back to someone's place and having a party and playing, having a jam. So I guess just from being curious. Also there was a book I read in 1985 called The Other Side of the Frontier by Henry Reynolds, which really opened my eyes to a lot of the history of dispossession and the war that went on.
Do you still find yourself having a jam just by crossing paths with someone and you're in the same place at the same time? Yeah, every now and then, every now and then. It still happens. Probably not as much as it used to, but it still happens.
Well, Paul, we're just coming up to the top of the hour now. We've run out of time.
Once again, here at Desert Rock FM, we'd just like to thank you for coming in. It's been a dream come true for a lot of people here at this radio station. So thank you. My pleasure too. It's always a pleasure coming out. And your album, Nature, is set to be released on the 12th of October. It's available from all local record stores or online if you've got the NBN. Great, thank you. There's an oar of nostalgia and emotion in the Koala Matras studios this afternoon.
We are very, very proud to have been able to be the first media organization off the rank interviewing Paul Kelly ahead of this new album. Thank you for joining us, Paul. And that's it for this week. You've been listening to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show. I'm Clancy Overall, you be kind to each other. And until next week, my name is Errol Parker and apply us out to the top of the hour. Take it away, Paul.
I was born in the bush near old Alice Springs as far as you get from the sea. My mother was a fighter, my daddy was too.
He never knew a bastard like me. My brothers and sisters are scattered like the wind from the desert and the hills to the sea. Much too young, many die, but I have survived. So lucky, a bastard like me. I have survived a hell of a ride. Nobody knows a bastard like me.
Call me a stray, a dog every day. Call me a mongrel, I'm free. The mongrels are strong, so you take me on. Watch out for a bastard like me. You better watch out for a bastard like me. I've fought, I've taken my licks. I've taken my kicks. I am a man of degree. I wear the scars, I earn them so hard. Every day in a lucky country. I'll try and stop a bastard like me. |
cracked | 9_child_prodigies_who_are_clearly_dangerous_mutants | Welcome to episode 10 of Crack TV, the only web series sworn to withstand the attacks of infants of merit. If you're wondering why I've had defenses crudely photoshopped into the background there, it's because today we're on alert level stork. I repeat, alert level stork! Please cock your rifles and head to the nearest preschool.
Those who fail to comply will be terminated. Isn't that right, Staff Sergeant Clippy? Oh, that's right. Clippy's dead because he failed to comply.
There's a war on people and it's us or them. Because while we were watching porno and eating gorditas, they were practicing, learning, getting ready to make normal humans obsolete. Who, you ask? Nine child prodigies too advanced to not be deadly mutants. Sure, they look harmless, but when the crops fail and the population tops 12 billion, who do you think the euthanasia squads are gonna target? The middle-aged guy who resurfaces pools or the adorable Korean girl who can calculate pi to 600 digits on the plute?
Meet Josh Johnson. He painted these at an age when most of us were learning to touch ourselves, but not Josh. I got inspired to start painting when I did my first piece and I saw that God had given me a tone. Sure, Josh, as if God's actually granted you some kind of magical power. Dear Lord, he's a Superman. Apparently Josh isn't the only one God's been hanging out with. I had many visions of meeting God.
Here's a montage of Akiyana's paintings set to piano music that she herself composed. And here's a montage of my artwork set to music I composed.
We're basically screwed. The Blues. It's a soulful, mournful cry that can come only from a heart-heavy with sorrow. Or a kid who just dropped his juice box.
Talon T-Man Lats is so good at blues guitar, he's already got old man-face. Of course, a blues guitarist with no rhythm section is hardly a threat.
Wait for it. Did you see that kid? He is a BMX machine! Do you know how Mozart's a big deal because he composed piano pieces at age four? Yeah, apparently that's not that hard because here's about a dozen kids doing it right now. There's this kid. This guy. Don't even get me started on this kid. This one's blind. Hey, Mozart's dad.
Guess you could have hit him a little harder after all, huh? Look, I know what you're thinking. These kids are no threat to me. They're just good at artsy crap and I own a bat. I like the sentiment, but what if that kid can jump over your fucking head?
Here's one going shot for shot with Michael Jordan. This one can run a mile in 450, which is admittedly a lot easier when you can teleport. This kid's even better at basketball than Ellen DeGeneres.
He also has the uncanny ability to make local news anchors way too excited. I wonder if that guy's always so enthusiastic. Yo, Al the Pimp, what do you want?
How about behind the back and through the legs? No. How about behind the back and through the legs every which way? No, they're not doing that. Who falls big bounces and baby bounces behind the back and through the legs? Fine, what kind of girl you're looking for? Two balls between the legs.
Yo, Joly! They're even taking away the lazy sports. Come on, kid. We just want to eat peanuts, drink beer, and hit balls with sticks. And if you don't start showing some false modesty, those balls might be attached to land and shove it. Now we come to the part of the show where you start cowering in fear and sterilizing yourself by any means possible. I present the murder kids. Begone, demon child! They've got the arts, sports, and fighting ability. All they need now is a leader.
He also shit his pants every day less than 10 years ago. If knowledge is power and power corrupts, this kid's basically Hitler. His stated agenda?
To discover time travel. Why? What regrettable life decisions do you ache to reverse? Do you forget to tape an episode of Arthur? Nothing's happened to you yet.
But it will. Just as soon as I fire up my laser can. No! Oh, that burns! Ah, Clippy, hand me the laser ointment.
Right, well, I guess that's all for this week's episode. Remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, just sneak into my room while I'm sleeping and write it in blood on my wall. But Mrs. and I just love it. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out. you |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_b_jordan_monologue_snl | It's been a great week here at Snl. yesterday, I had a crazy, full-circle moment. we pre-shot some videos for the show, and when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles, on the soap opera, All My Children. I was 16 years old. Here's a clip. I told you in the beginning that you set the pace. so, you're not mad? No. you know, sometimes the animal in me just gets kinda crazy. Ooh! Pretty sure I hit puberty mid-how. that was 2003. And now, 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie, Creed Iii.
But right after that, I went through my very first public breakup. Now, most people, after a breakup, are like, I'm gonna get in better shape. But I was already in Creed shape. so I had to be like, all right, I guess I'll learn a new language. Anyway, Estoy and Raya. everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game, and they caught me looking like this. Look, I was just chilling. but the internet decided that that was me being sad. luckily for me, if you google, sad Michael Jordan, the first 8,000 results are this.: Hey, Michael. what's up, Chloe? not much.
So, I know you're single, but did you know that I'm single? But don't you date that hot writer? not if you're available. could you remind me how to spell your number? Hey, Chloe, don't you have to go away? Oh, I'm sorry. bitch. Hey, Mikey B. mind if I call you Mikey B? I'd rather you not.
Ooh, okay, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom. Oh, nice.
I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall. yeah, wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever. excuse me. excuse me. Yeah, go on. go on, bitch. hey. I didn't even know you were out here. you didn't know I'd be on stage delivering my own monologue? Sorry.
I was just taking a walk around the studio, and I just threw this on. oh, my god. is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now, then, huh? that's not how that works. Aw, our first fight. should we have a makeup sex?
There you go. Fine, Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. boy, you lookin'' fine as ever, as always. You too, Bucky.
I got the same suit like you got. come on, girl. aren't you gay? I am, but you, Michael B. Jordan. and, uh, I'm punky. be curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right? no, they don't. boy, you're so funny. I see you at the after party, babe.
Look, I just want to say I'm so grateful to be standing on this stage. you know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. but tonight, I'm gonna have fun. I'm just gonna go for it. And maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy, all right? |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_threw_it_on_the_ground_snl | I was walking through the city streets and a man walks up to me and hands me the latest energy drink. Run faster, Jump higher man.
I'm not gonna let you poison me. I threw it on the ground. You must think I'm a joke. I ain't gonna be part of your system man. Pump that garbage in another man's veins. I go to my favorite hot dog stand and the dude says you come here all the time. Here's one for free. I said man, what I look like a charity case. I took it and threw it on the ground. I don't need your handouts. I'm an adult. please. You can't buy me hot dog Man at the farmers market with my so-called girlfriend.
She hands me her cell phone says it's my dad. Man, this ain't my dad. This is a cell phone. I threw it on the ground. What? You think? I'm stupid. I'm not a part of your system. My dad's not a phone. Duh.
Some poser hands me cake at a birthday party. What you want me to do with this idiot happy birthday to the ground? I threw the rest of the cake too. Welcome to the real World Jackass! Many things to throw on the ground like this and this and that and even this. I'm an adult.
Two Hollywood phonies tried to give me the autograph. grab what's your autograph phonies. Then the two phonies got up.
Turned out they had a taser and they tase me in the butt hole to the ground. The phonies didn't let up, tasing on my blood hole over and over. I was screaming and squirming. My butthole was on fire. The moral of this story is, you can't trust the system man. |
dropout | trump_s_brilliant_strategy | This is crazy! It looks like Trump's tax returns were leaked, and... No, you fool! You're falling for Trump's scheme! What?
He's planning all of this. Who knows what evil stuff he's up to right now. He's looking 15? No, 20 moves into the future and getting all of his pieces in place so he can make his move.
Uh-huh. So why does he want this tax info out there? To distract from the Russia stuff, of course. Okay, so what's going on with Russia? Nothing. That's the beauty of it. All this Russia stuff is just a distraction from his violations of the emoluments clause.
Everything, everything is a distraction you cannot lose focus for even a second. Why does it have to be a grand, hairy, seldom-like plan? Maybe he's just bad at a lot of things. Most things are all things, even. No!
That's what he wants you to think. He wants you to underestimate him. Look at you, chasing after every little scandal. He's got you so wound up about emoluments, and you've completely forgotten about his ties to Nazi sympathizers, just as he planned.
Focus. I'm not distracted. It's possible to talk about more than one thing, just like Trump can fuck up more than one thing. Oh, yeah. I'd like to think about it.
And yet here you are with all the other sheep distracted by his ties to Nazi sympathizers while Trump is out there demonizing immigrants and Muslims. The master tactician has pulled the wool over your eyes. Stop yelling at me! How else can I get you to wake up? You keep droning on about immigrants, chasing every shiny little toy Trump does out there.
Meanwhile, he's gutting healthcare, public education, and environmental protections. You blind fool. Okay, then let's talk about that for a minute. You idiot! That's the last thing we should do. All of these budget cuts are just a distraction from his undermining of the free press.
Focus! Grant, okay? Focus! Focus.
I can't talk to you when you're like this. Would you shut up about the press? He wants you distracted by that when you should be focusing on his taxes. I'm gonna come back when you've calmed down. Okay? Think about our friendship.
You can fool everyone else, you sly fox, but you can't fool me. I'm 50 steps ahead of you. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
dropout | force_awakens_is_just_like_phantom_menace | The anticipation for the new Star Wars movie is killing me. This one is about a young guy on a desert planet who finds out he's sensitive to the force. He teams up with a badass brunette who's hiding a big secret. They're helped by a beloved Star Wars character who's aged just a little differently than we're used to. The Sith bad guy is lurking in the shadows just waiting to use his funny looking lightsaber. R2-D2 and C-3PO make an appearance of course, though 3PO looks a little different. But it's not like they didn't make new droids. Some of them even roll.
I even heard there's going to be digital characters created just with motion capture. I'm really looking forward to the space battle where the camera sits like right in the cockpit. Oh you have to have heard of it, there's so many promotional tie ins for the movie. I don't want to over-hype it, but I really think this Star Wars movie is going to be the best ever. It even has a cool title. You know, the Phantom Menace.
Thanks for watching. I'm here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. |
TheOnion | America_s_Spookiest_Ghost_Costumes_America_s_Best_Ep_2 | The judges are in for a fright as 2000 hopefuls have lined up to prove that they made America's best ghost costume. Let's start the scare.
I didn't think you'd be back after you killed that guy on set last year. I got off because I'm rich and popular, and I bet I can do it again. Wow, this is really underwhelming. Ah, it's fine.
You look like a ghost, but there's nothing here that says America's best. Why does your ghost have a smiley face on it? Have you ever seen a ghost with a mouth? I haven't. Get out of here. Off to a rough start, but would the judges find something to like in the next batch? I'm in the entertainment industry. Every day I walk into my office, there are ten ghosts with costumes better than yours, hoping to get a meeting. There's just this big blank white space under your eyes. Seeing it, I think it would have looked better with a mouth there.
Whoa, are you giving me this money so I'll help you? I wish everybody did that. I'm a yes.
I think this ghost costume has a lot of potential. Keep working at it. After a long day, the judges are no closer to finding America's best ghost costume. But could this guy turn things around? My name is Tom, and I've been making ghost costumes since I was seven. I'm pretty confident that the judges will see my ghost costume and send me on to the next round. So Tom's got the confidence, but does he have the ghost costume to back it up? These ghost costumes are getting worse and worse. But if we don't let someone through to the next level, people are going to yell at us. Let's just agree that the next person that walks into the room, no matter what his ghost costume looks like, we just say we like it.
Boo! Ah! Ghost! What the hell, man? Does this guy think he's a ghost or something? No way! Are you insane or just an idiot? Acting like a ghost has no place in a competition looking to find the best ghost costume. Oh, my sweet baby, you did it all wrong.
Don't talk to people like that. It's very condescending.
I probably would have liked it better if there was at least a mouth drawn on this sheet. Why are there so few mouths?
So what do we do now? I don't know. The only halfway decent one is the guy from this morning. We threw him out of here as fast as anyone. Well, maybe we could bring him back. But what about all the horrible things we said? We don't have a choice. So, several hours into his drive home, one lucky auditioner gets a second chance to drive back and prove he's America's best. I thought I wanted the mouth, but honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. It's a no from me. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_aubrey_plaza_amy_poehler_and_bowen_yang_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Santos' lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College.
Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like, that's his fantasy? like, it's like asking a kid, what do they want to be when they grow up? and they're like, I don't know, assistant manager at Kohl's. George Santos, seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by a fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well-dressed. this guy is well-dressed? he looks like he's trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean, a blazer over a half zip?
Girl, not at my yacht party. A drag queen. A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional, but she said another drag queen in Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Earlier today, the Fbi searched President Biden's Delaware home and found six additional Obama-era classified documents. worse, one of them was Obama's real birth certificate. it was hidden in a copy of Black Tail Magazine. the Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump Classified Documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. they both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her goddamn breakdown. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden's garage and he had Hillary's server.
Florida Governor Ron Desantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements, saying, when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit of nitrous and bit a cop. Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron Desantis will run against him for the Republican nomination, saying, we'll handle this the way I handle things. so rough and without consent. the U.s. government hit its debt limit on Thursday, and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we've all been there, you know? you spend too much because life's too short. then the bill comes due. the bank won't loan you money anymore. then you have no choice. you have to buckle down, face the music, and blow up your Staten Island ferry for insurance money. recently, scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion, which may lead to limitless clean energy.
And you've been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life. Maybe. Well, you lied about going to Nyu? You did. you lied about working at Goldman Sachs? I filled the Gold Man's Sacks. you lied about your mom dying in 9-11? I think I said 7-11. No. no, you even lied about being Jewish. No, I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly iconic.
I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust. Oh, My. God, Really? Yeah, oh, yeah, they actually knew Anne Frank. my ancestors were the ones that told her, you should be writing this down. that cannot be true.
George, people need to know who you are. Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Valder if you're nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruchata Adonai University. four years of Michigas, and I am a proud representative from my district in Long Island, New Jersey.
What are you talking about? hold on, hang on. Madonna's calling me. Hello? yeah, like a virgin? I remember I was there. I was the virgin.
Okay, love you. see you at home. George, we don't believe anything you're saying. Well, by the way, I know that I look Asian, but that's because my maiden name is Chow, as in Fogo de Chow, because I'm Brazilian. right, I got it.
Okay, George, well then, can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire, especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch? Okay, well, that's nothing. the only connection I have to Russia is that my great-granduncle was Rasputin, and my great-grandmother was the little bat in the movie. from Anastasia? Yes, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan's in it, and Feuston Dunst plays young Anastasia.
Wow. George, I have to ask, can you physically Not stop lying? Colin, I'm not a liar, Not like balloon Boy, that boy who lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me. No, it was not. I'm not lying, okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look. that Is a Covid test. hold on, Madonna's calling me. she's calling you on the Covid test? George, this has to Stop. Why? there's no law against lying. Look at you. you're wearing makeup, Okay? isn't that a lie, letting everyone think you're gorgeous? But George, I am gorgeous.
Whoa, buddy. I just don't understand why Republicans won't condemn you. I mean, they promoted you to two committee assignments. Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I'm a team player, and the sport is lies. at least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Greene's over here saying 9-11 didn't happen. I just said it happened to me. George Santos, everyone.
It was reported that last year, the population of China declined by 850,000 people thanks to an increase in China's leading cause of death, protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. that's good news. that's a happy ending, Colin. that's a nice, happy ending to that joke. due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. these students are doing fine, but the classroom hamster has gone insane. the U.s.
Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California, because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don't understand how that name gets changed, and yet no one cares. there's an entire town in New York that mocks my people. a San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every Black resident a one-time payment of $5 million.
Well, that's a fantastic idea, said the Gucci store. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years, where he thanked Italy's National Cinema Museum for having the balls to invite him. he also asked, could I touch the balls? I'm kidding. he didn't ask permission. a Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world, has died at the age of 118. her cause of death was listed as answered prayer. tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire at the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five-set long match. worse, it was Deuce.
Well, according to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. here to encourage young people to get involved in local government. Is a long-time employee of the City of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate. Hi, April. what? nothing. you said you came out here to talk about local government. I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. so, yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. if you're young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something. Okay. are there other jobs? you want me to list them? Okay. fine. drive a bus. you don't have to be on time. nobody cares. work for the water department. you can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn't find any. Yeah, because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part. Okay, all right. okay, but what if you actually want to work hard? I don't know. you're annoying me. just ask my old boss. Leslie, no. Michael Che. Wow. yeah, so you work for the government? yeah, park service, yeah. So, how much fun is it working here? do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day? Well, I'm like 8 a.m. but yeah, generally. how does it take to run a federal agency? Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job, But I want to pick your brain about this job, about this show.
Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. and it looked really easy. Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government? Yeah, but quick question. President Biden, when he zoomed in before, could he see me or were the cameras off? I think he pre-recorded that. Oh, I thought this show was live. well, most of it is.
Oh my God, can we just please go? This guy's been bothering me for like half an hour. Yeah, we can't stay long. we have a timed entry tickets to the M&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold? do you mind if I try to tell a joke? I would love that. please. Okay, let's see what you got. Okay, all right.
Oh no, that's too mean. Oh, what? no, that's way too mean.
What? no. Okay, I'll do this one. a town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. the service has expanded to puppies thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon Rosa Barks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Barnaby_s_Back_Big_Spend_Up_At_Dominos_Dutton_Learns_His_Lesson_More_June_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin and what a week it's been just quietly. I guess we started the week with the redemption of Barnaby Joyce and the firebrand faction of the national parties is back in charge. It's going to cause a lot of trouble down the track for Morrison but it's going to cause even more trouble for Alba so that's an interesting start of the week but of course we finish from the redemption of Barnaby Joyce we finish with the humiliation of Sydney as they go into what looks and sounds and barks like a lockdown but no one's calling it that they're calling it a stay at home order for four major highly populated councils in the eastern suburbs and centre of the harbour capital encompassing up to one million people have been told to not leave the house unless they're caregivers or they have to work outside of their house. If you can work from home in Sydney you're being urged to.
My name's Clancy I'm related to the Batutah Advocate I'm joined today by Wendell Hussey the news reader as we said earlier in the week he's out of the clink he's out of trouble he's alright. What is going on with you Wendell? Well Clancy as I mentioned a couple of days ago not allowed to publicly talk about that stuff that happened my lawyers have said it's got to wait until after the court case. Your lawyer being the solicitor who works in an office above the laundromat two doors down from our newsroom. And who happens to be your brother-in-law Clancy yes that is the very same one he's told me that so that's good and as you spoke about that lockdown I wake up most days feeling pretty thankful that I'm a Western Queensland resident but particularly so today as we look down at what's going on down there.
No Errol Parker today? No Errol Parker today he's off seeing a man about a dog he's down at the pub actually he's got a feeling that this lockdown is going to creep its way across the borders of a couple cases in Queensland so he's making the most of it he's getting on the turps right now we couldn't stop him that's about the size of it.
Good on him we will start off with that big political story and the deputy prime minister of Australia has told the country this week I'm back you cunts. And back he is the twice before leader of the Nationals and second in charge Barnaby Joyce has risen from the political ashes and a true Phoenix story this one the member from England became the leader of the nation this week while the prime minister was in quarantine in the space of about 45 minutes Barnaby Joyce has gone from drunken backbencher to acting prime minister it's all gone to plan. Yeah after our prime minister's trip to bump elbows and get photos with other national leaders Barnaby was left to run the show and that is what he's done as well as calling to change the Murray Darling Basin plan because the Nationals said South Australia doesn't need fresh water from the river system he's also introduced motions to have blue Powerade recognised as a superior flavour of the drink and called for low boiling on gumtree to be criminalised.
Credit to the man he's not wasting time. Robert Nielsen one of our loyal readers text in the editor this week and he said I was just thinking is there a better proponent of conservative politics and Christian values than a bloke who cheated on his missus by rooting his staff. Yeah yeah yeah cut that out.
Now Barnaby is the new king of the nuts and he celebrated like one earlier this week the headline reads Barnaby celebrates pay rise with mega meat lovers pizza and lava cake from Domino's. Yes this is not actually a sponsored article this is just a straight down the barrel order from the man Barnaby Joyce said following a few celebratory schooners of rum and coke down in the capital down at Mooseheads actually on the first night in the job the firebrand politician decided to treat himself to his recommended daily intake of kilojoules for dinner alone. Mega meat lovers large of course. And an oozing chocolatey dessert too thank you very much. No wonder he was pushing for that Powerade motion.
Now staying in politics Peter Dutton has learnt the hard way that you don't start fights in towns with an abattoir. Yes an age old proverb in western Queensland and there is no exception to the rule in Billa Wheeler although it's taken a few years the human rights violating former home affairs minister and his war chest of nearly 100 million taxpayer dollars was finally knocked to the floor of parliament house as the Billa Wheeler Tamil family were finally granted a temporary three month visa to stay in Australia congratulations Billa Wheeler. Yes but as people have pointed out it is only a three month temporary visa they have proven though that community that they won't be throwing the towel on this one and will keep punching until the very end. Stay tuned and congratulations to the proud people of the banana shire.
Some more local news and an adult man has sacrificed 50% of his weekend for someone's child's first birthday party. This is written about Battuta Heights IT manager Reid Salmon who is used to working ten hour days five days a week so he can enjoy his coveted two day weekend however this was ruined last weekend when he was forced to go to his girlfriend's nieces first birthday party. Yeah not ideal obviously the double whammy of the in-laws and the new parents made it even more teeth clenching he said a lot of time spent on the toilet playing on his phone apparently however Sam Phillips hit out at Reid saying it's only a couple of hours this literally doesn't impact any weekend hobbies that don't require an entire day to do how hard is it to sit on your phone for two or three hours while you eat fairy bread and party pies got a lot of likes for that one Sam Phillips must be from new parents.
We're going to round out the week with a story that has rounded out the week and Sydney's stay at home order basically just Gladys extending lockout laws to daytime hours. Yes more than one million Sydney residents have been told to stay home in what the New South Wales premier is refusing to call a lockdown four specific local council areas are affected by the new rules and no one seems to be complaining just yet. Well the victorians are complaining the lockdown obsessed state are demanding that New South Wales actually classify these new restrictions as a quote unquote hard lockdown to make themselves feel better about their horrible pandemic management. Look during this time of the year we've got state of origin happening you know with mid-season in the in the NRL competition I don't usually like you know praising New South Wales but when it comes to praise New South Wales over Victoria I certainly will especially when it comes to this issue and looks at the people of Sydney are just as unwilling as their premier is to call this a lockdown so it just feels like they've extended the lockout laws into the daylight hours which isn't that intrusive for a city that's used to being told what to do.
Yeah head straight down to the casino and those laws won't apply to you either.
That's all we've got time for this week enjoy your weekend lockdown or free we'll talk to you next time. All right. Thank you so much for joining us today time hours.
Yes more than one million Sydney residents have been told to stay home in what the New South Wales premier is refusing to call a lockdown. Four specific local council areas are affected by the new rules and no one seems to be complaining just yet. Well the victorians are complaining the lockdown obsessed state are demanding that New South Wales actually classify these new restrictions as a quote unquote hard lockdown to make themselves feel better about their horrible pandemic management. Look during this time of the year we've got state of origin happening you know with mid-season in the in the NRL competition I don't usually like you know praising New South Wales but when it comes to praising New South Wales over Victoria I certainly will especially when it comes to this issue and looks at the people of Sydney are just as unwilling as their premier is to call this a lockdown so it just feels like they've extended the lockout laws into the daylight hours which isn't that intrusive for a city that's used to being told what to do.
Yeah head straight down to the casino and those laws won't apply to you either.
That's all we've got time for this week enjoy your weekend lockdown or free we'll talk to you next time. Alright. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_4 | in the morning Jake the Man! We're gonna play an improv game Oh, oh sheesh I brought a chill ass prop Basically, it's like kind of a game where we imagine what this might be using our fun little imaginations Easy I'm holding an orange fuzzy cylindrical coat Not very imaginative Try something like this I'm the wicked witch of the west Ah, stop I cast a spill on you to make you bad at math No Hey, what's three times three? Thirty-three, give me that It worked Hi, I'm Jake and I talk like an equisys Mainly the fact that he doesn't know arithmetic Thanks a lot Not very good, we'll try another one Sure Hey, Mr. Traffic-Con, how do you like directing traffic? I hate it Hey, Traffic-Con, you don't look like a traffic-con Traffic-Con's a rubber and this is fuzzy Don't go For the lose Choose anyone here Bring them on the stage And I'll create a rap song off the top of my head All about them How's that for me? You two come first here I'll make the rap Okay I don't think you can do it So I'm gonna break somebody up anyway You, right there behind here Okay, what's your name? Rebecca Rebecca Ready? One Ooh, Rebecca One, two, three You have a whole lot, I need a beatboxer A beatboxer, I need to thank you Okay, seven Okay, no, can't be on the stage It's a rap song about Rebecca, the name Rebecca Rebecca Yeah, I already did that Ten, you can't do this Oh, I can't do this?
No, it's me and him here at show Jay doesn't think I can Five, four, three, two Got a name on my brain and it starts with a letter It's like an uppercase one No doubt, something big acts like an uppercase vowel Or maybe a consonant, it's like a name I'm sure of Of that I am confident Your name rhymes with words that it sounds like Cause that's how rhyming works It's a thing that it sounds like Although these rhyming words Do I call you up and I say, hey you Who are you? You say, who are you? I say, blue be blue You say, you know me? I say, of course I do Your name is Pretty as the ocean is blue Your name is the name you were born with Cause that's how naming works It's the same you were born with The name that we all heard Your name's not Patrick, that would be crazy Why would you follow the name you act like Swayze? Your name's not Pecan, that would be nice I drop your name now but I'll tell you what you want Your name's not Gerald Your name's not Beryl Your name's not Beryl Your name's not Iron Man The name that you sit away You came up on the stage And it's crazy This name has kept all of us so engaged Why? Your name is Rebecca Rebecca, yeah You can memorize three verses in three choruses But you couldn't remember Rebecca, the other song The only reason you remembered it Is because you committed it to memory when she said it Your name's not Beryl Your name's not Beryl Your name's not Iron Man The name that you sit away You came up on the stage And it's crazy This name has kept all of us so engaged Why? Your name is Rebecca Rebecca, yeah You can memorize three verses in three choruses But you couldn't remember Rebecca, the other song The only reason you remembered it Is because you committed it to memory when she said it |
TheOnion | How_To_Play_Golf_Against_The_Man_Whose_Wife_You_re_Banging_On_The_Side | Hey, welcome back to Today Now. Stay with us, because coming up a bit later on in the show, we're going to be visited by our diet expert, who's going to show us how to lose weight by reducing our bone density. But right now, we've got one of my favorite guests here in the house.
We've got our putting green set up. We've got a golf tee box here. And my friend and golf pro Jordan Ritter joins us.
How you doing, big guy? How you doing, Jimmy? All right. I'm great. Now, what do you got for us today?
Well, today we're going to learn some tips for playing against a guy when you're having an extramarital affair with his wife. Oh, that's one of the most common problems a golfer faces. It certainly is. You're going to play a lot of golf. Sooner or later, you're going to be out there with some guy whose wife you're nailing on the side. Yeah, yeah. Could be a coworker or even a best friend. Let's head on over to the tee box.
All right. Let's get going. Now, the first toe is the most important of the day, because this sets the tone for you. So what you want to do is when you're squaring up the ball, you want to remember two things. One, you want to keep the ball at the instep of your left foot. Right.
And number two, don't mention his wife by name. You refer to her as her wife or something like that. Make it seem like you barely remember who she is.
Right. Which would probably be the case in a couple weeks anyway. Yeah. All right.
So now we're going to put the ball back in my pocket, because we don't want to take any of these cameras here. Now, you don't want any sudden movement in your swing. No.
You want it nice and smooth. Nice and smooth.
Sort of like you're tiptoeing out the back door of a man's house just as he's coming home from work. Oh, I like that. Hey, why don't you give it a try? Oh, sure. Absolutely. Here, let me see. Now, if your novice is out there, just remember that if you start to feel guilty, it's not your fault that he can't satisfy his own wife. Right. Okay. So if it's not me banging her, it's somebody else. Hey, you're getting the hang of it. All right.
I can barely keep up with you, dude. You know, I played a lot of golf with Lee Trevino, and I learned a lot from him. Oh, I bet you did. Turned out he was banging my wife for the whole time. Oh, that must have been tough, huh? Well, I slashed his tires and I moved on.
Okay. Now, the trickiest part here is being on the putting green, because two things are going on. Well, number one, you want to make the putt. Sure. And number two, you're starting to think that this guy might be catching on that you're the reason his wife keeps buying a lingerie but is always too tired to have sex. Well, then what do I do?
My dad and I played a lot of golf. I love my dad.
Oh. And then he died. See what we just did there? Building camaraderie. Oh! Yeah. You drew me in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, and I got another one for you. Yeah.
If you're really feeling confident, okay, just say to him, hey, I'm fucking your wife. Just make it sound like a joke. Oh, yeah. If he thinks it's a joke, then he probably won't think it's true. Hey, hey, I'm fucking your wife. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Hey, I'm fucking your wife.
Okay. All right. Jordan Ritter, thanks very much for being with us today. Thank you, Jim.
We'll be back next week to give us some tips on how to shake down caddies for their overheard stock tips. You join us for that. We're going to head back over to Tracy now. She's got some tips on things that ladies like to do. |
dropout | please_make_fun_of_me | See? See, it's normal.
There's no way that's a normal way to eat rice. Raph, what is that laugh? Sound like an alarm clock or something.
Hi, guys. Oh, hey, Rekha. Enjoying the office? How's your first week going? Guys, come on. You don't have to be so polite to me just because I'm new.
Okay? I can hang. Totally. What? That's my mini western accent. Okay, fine. Yes. You know, it's crazy. I used to say it like toddler. Oh, yeah. I think that's okay, actually. I actually think that's the preferred pronunciation.
Guys, come on. Just because I'm new doesn't mean you have to be so freakin' polite. Come on.
You can make fun of me. Make fun of me.
You? You, um... Your... Is... You sneeze. Good. Yes. You sneeze. No.
Come on. Just make fun of me. Look. My desktop is just pictures of cows. Uh, seems fun. This is my backpack. Trendy. I have a stupid small mouth. I do the same thing, I think. There is no way you do that too, Allie, because what I just did was flippin' stupid, which is why you should all make fun of me. Now pay attention. I call this a tennis ball. Um...
This was my thesis film. The Forgotten Girl. Good. I thought this was based on a true story.
And this is how I eat rice. Just make fun of me. Who doesn't know what a tennis ball is? I'm Rekha drinking coffee. You eat ball. I'm Rekha. I'm impossibly small.
You smell like beach sand. No. You drink warm soda. You taste better hot. You made me burn my dick with hot coffee. And you walk around like that. You're scared.
What's the matter? I don't like it.
Okay. It looks like it. Okay.
I have no idea how to... That's rude.
Honey!
I'm Rekha. Stop making fun of me! I used to be a known woman. And now I'm but a forgotten girl. |
dropout | clock_suckers_stinkin_whores | This week's episode, Stinkin' Horse. You got any food in this dump? Eh, probably not. Whoa. Careful with the fridge. The rats took over the top shelf and most of the vegetable crisper. Ow!
The big one stabbed me. Yeah, that's stabby. He, uh, he stabs people.
You know, this place is a real piece of shit.
We have the most powerful machine in the world, and we haven't done a damn thing with it. Haven't done a da- Alright, I guess I'm the only one that cares about the world's largest jello shot.
Kate's right. Let's do something meaningful this time. Let's really make a difference. I'm bangin' an old-timey hooker! So much for makin' a difference. Well, I'm sure Tandridge Chlamydia should make all the difference in the world.
You okay? Yeah, I'm alright.
These old-timey bullets are kinda pussified. It's like I got hit with a milk-tud. Who the hell shot me anyway?
Ooh. Yeah. So I guess we should find a hospital or something, Kate. Fantastic. That was some fancy shooting. Well that's mighty kind of ya, honeydoll. You mind if I give it a try? Sure. Here ya go, sugar jugs. Ow! I like your style, booby legs.
I see your friend there is found in infamous Billy Murder, the craziest gunslinger in all the west. Thanks for the backstory, Mustache. The name's Bigsby. I'm the sheriff of this old town.
How about you let me take care of that arm? Yeah, sure. Why not? You got a first aid kit in that mustache? Yeah. Oh. Hey, you got any booze or ice cream in there? No. Oh. I was kinda just kidding anyway. So... did you wanna fix my arm?
Dropping them all in, tramps. What's 75 bucks, get me? Well, anything you want, handsome. You can get a tumbleweed surprise, backwards sarsaparilla, or even a filthy gold rush. Whichever one of those is sex, put me down for a double. Alright, let's go.
Holy Jesus, you hook a stink. What the hell do you expect? Some basic hygiene. It's 200 degrees outside, and we bang disgusting cowboys all day. What you ladies need is a nice bath, tub.
So, uh, do you just shoot stuff all day? Not always. Some days I just choke people to death, but most of the time I just sit here and plot out my next big move. Well, whatever your next move is, count me in.
Man, I just can't get over this stash. It's like a push broom. Comes with a uniform. You know, I could use a helping hand around here. My last deputy didn't really work out so well.
Oh, why? Because he couldn't grow a mustache? Yeah. Well, no. Billy Murder set him on fire and shot him in the face. Man, you're a fucking downer.
We can't thank you enough, Tanner. Us whores never been cleaner, and I've never banged so many gold miners in my life.
What's so funny? What are you laughing at?
Boobs! Hey, how'd you like to run this place? It doesn't pay great, but I'll give you a hot gunslinger every day. Hot gunslinger? Is that sex or food? Both, if I do it right.
Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong? Everybody down on the ground. This is a hold up. Just do what I say and nobody gets hurt. Yeah. Ow!
Why are you shooting me? Whoa, easy there, tobacco tits. What the fuck, Kate? We here for a couple hours and now all of a sudden you want to rob my whorehouse? Well, Billy's really cool. And wait, you own a whorehouse?
Bigsby. I've been waiting a long time for this.
One shall stand and one shall fall. Oh, there be falling all right. By you. By that I mean you're falling down.
More like I'll be falling over your dead body. Not if you're dead first. I won't be dead first because I'll kill you first before you kill me.
Them's fighting words. More like killing words. Well, then I'll just kill your words. Did you just fucking kill him already?
Oh, right. I'm not going to make it. I want you to have this. Thanks. I'll sell it on eBay. And this. Well, that's it. I'm making a promise to clean up this town where it's going to be safe again. Oh, shit. I'm going to do it a little later. All right, little man. I suggest you open up that safe. Or what?
Well, first I'll shoot you in the neck. Then I'd jam your neck full of TNT. Then I'd use your TNT neck to blow up the safe.
I realize it's a bit complex, but it's really quite a show. Don't do it, Tanner. This whorehouse is all we got. Sorry, buddy. I can't let you do it. I kind of love these gross hookers.
Fine. All right, Candy Crouch. You're up.
Shoot them. What perils await our time travels? Will Ben rid the town of the infamous Billy murder? Will Tanner successfully protect those filthy whores? And will Kate actually shoot Tanner and side with Billy murder? Find out next time. Wait, wait, wait. I'm just going to shoot him right now. Join us next time for our exciting conclusion. That was fucked up. I can't believe Kate shot Tanner.
They will use them chasing me! That's enough! With your pitchforked in your new seat! Sucker! Ah, I sound like a priest!
You guys know when the next trolley's coming through? Or no? What the hell did you do, you stinky hooker? |
dropout | adults_can_t_wear_crop_tops | What's up? What's good? How are you? What's cooking? How was your day?
You know, mine was pretty good. Should we get appetizers for the table?
Are you going to take your coat off? Yes. Oh! You mean right now. What else would I mean? Oh! Is that new? Okay, fine!
Did I, an adult woman, see a picture of a sexy 19-year-old? I don't know.
What?
Would a sexy 19-year-old in a crop top go out, buy one, so I could wear it to dinner tonight? Yes. Uh... NMI. An adult woman. Now realizing that it's kind of weird to dress like a sexy 19-year-old when you're going to a family-style Italian restaurant. Also, yes.
Are you tucking in your crop top? This is style. This is a look. Why would you wear a crop top, though?
What's the alternative, Murph?
There is a nice family eating dinner over there, and I'm practically belly-dancing in their son's pasta primavera. Oh, I think you just made eyes at me.
This is too weird. This is arguably weirder.
No, no, no. Pretend we're in Alaska. Shall we get some polar bear blubber for the table? They have regular appetizers in Alaska. You could just say, do you want to get nachos or mozzarella sticks?
I'm just role-playing. Then role-play somebody with a little swagger. Em, it's not about your age.
You need to own it. You're right. Yeah.
I don't need to be a sexy 19-year-old. You've got to stop referencing the sexy teens.
Excuse me, everyone look at me. I'm wearing a crop top. So deal with it. God is staring. Yeah, you stood up and yelled, everybody look at me. Oh, I think it's the crop top. It was the yelling. What about now? Are they looking? Yes. My coat is puffy, okay? So go ahead and deal with it. I need to stop shouting. You just made eyes at me again. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
cracked | why_it_s_impossible_to_advance_a_cause_online | Hi, please join me in an exercise.
Let's pretend that you care about something now I don't mean you care as in you saw people arguing online and you fell in with the right team so that you could be Conspicuously righteous in front of everyone. I mean you really care you're passionate and wholly devoted to let's say dog circumcision That's your cause after reading through the piles of research You've concluded the dogs are much happier healthier, and they just live longer after Dog circumcision naturally there are gonna be people out there who disagree with you me being one of them probably But that's that's not the point you are willing to engage in a thoughtful argument with anyone who disagrees with you about the many benefits of the simple procedure because if you can just change a few minds you will have Succeeded and yet you find that as you argue with people who strongly oppose your position that they're relying on outdated facts They clearly haven't done any research or their arguments just hinge on lies and even worse the people on your own side of the issue Keep jumping in and defend you saying that yes dog circumcision makes dogs healthier, but also it makes them more handsome now You can't completely disassociate yourself from lunatics like that because technically they're still fighting for your cause but pretty soon You're lumped in with a whole pile of people who just aesthetically like staring at a cut dog penis And no one will ever take any of your legitimate points seriously again So you quickly find that where your particular passion is concerned that it's hard to say who sucks at this more the other team Or your own now apply that same logic to any actual hot button issue And you'll see why it's impossible to ever advance a cause in a meaningful way on the internet on either side of the argument there are about 50 people tops who actually know what they're talking about then behind them there are 100,000 five-year-olds holding lit torches screaming and running loose and just setting fire to their own camps if you kick Every Latino out of this country then who is going to be cleaning your toilet Donald Trump? They believe in the same cause as you at least what they understand of it But they have zero impulse control and the screaming is just way more fun than actually saying anything and man all this new attention is sure Exciting naturally the opposing side will point to these people as the core of your movement because they are just easier to cut down Also like a five-year-old. Here's a great example These kids were pulled over and seem to be at least dimly aware of the very real and rampant problem of police brutality in the US What they don't seem to grasp is the difference between inalienable rights and embarrassing self entitlement stop Keep in mind they think they're the good guys all the way through this video After all they're the ones who shared it with the world from the moment they hit play to the point that they uploaded it to YouTube It never occurred to them that they might be doing more harm than good Not only does it devalue all the genuine cases of police violence against innocent people But it's just incentive for the opposing side to say there Now you got the future you wanted the next generation has no respect for the American justice system Thanks a lot libtards all cuz you wouldn't let us Beat up black people like we wanted to and these dummies don't just offer detractors fuel for their fire They also occasionally fire blindly into their own ranks Which is exactly what happened in this news story from the Washington Post it criticizes comedian and feminism advocate Amy Schumer for being a hypocrite It was followed immediately by a similar article in the Guardian both arguing that some of her jokes reveal a huge blind spot about rape And women of color which I don't know maybe it it does I certainly am in no position to say but more importantly She's on your team She's been fighting on behalf of women's rights on one of the biggest stages possible and doing it all in a very clever incisive way What if my mom is the DA and won't prosecute and I write no you cannot Why why would you attack your franchise player like that? That's of course rhetorical. I know the answer It's because the dummies in the back row of any movement think that accusing someone of being on the wrong team just to watch Them sink is the same thing as exacting actual tangible change in the world Except one of course is way way easier, but here's the thing you need those dummies you can't carve the idiots out of your cause because They outnumber you so you have to keep them at least somewhat happy It's like placating an actual five-year-old You just have to think like a five-year-old your cause can't only be about complex issues like abortion rights and the wage gap and the persistent threat of sexual violence against an entire gender because Those issues are boring you get about 10% of your cause dedicated to that and then the other 90 has to be about how black Widows backstory is problematic or it has to be dedicated to crashing to do pedestrians on the sidewalk to prove that men walk Sexistly or it has to be about using the right glossary of terms like code words that signal your goodness You know simple stuff someone doesn't use words like microaggression or virgin neckbeard or patriarchal system then you know, they're Probably bad guys But and the same goes for the opposing side if you try to use word like privilege in a non sarcastic way on a men's rights Forum you will be banned immediately the incantation see are more sacred than the actual cause in most cases So what can you do? Well when you align yourself with one of the sides on a decisive issue Whatever it may be just just try to make an effort not to burn down your own camp Look, nobody is good at this stuff immediately You have to kind of learn along the way how to participate in a useful and constructive way in a debate So just try not to be as loud as the people who actually know what they're talking about And before you add your two cents on chem trails in your environmental blog or you want to argue about the important of net neutrality for you and your buddies in the deep web Really think about the point you're making and if it's actually helpful because if it's not you're forcing us all backwards Nothing will ever get done and we might as well all be arguing about dog dicks Hi, thank you for watching that video, please subscribe if you haven't already and as a special challenge, I encourage you Not to comment on this video.
I know you want to but I'm encouraging you to try silence for once |
dropout | sex_with_the_hulk | Ow! Betty, what was that for? Nothing. Sorry. Ow! Betty, what the hell?
Okay. Um, I just thought it'd be kind of fun if you, like, hulked out. What? Betty, the hulk is dangerous. It's not something to be taken lightly. Yeah, yeah, I know. Um, I just kind of wanted to see how big your hulk junk was. Ew.
No, but just leave it alone, okay? Just, it's better if we don't even talk about it.
Right, yeah, sorry. Okay. Hey, I made that in pottery class. Oh, oops, I'm sorry.
Oh, he must be really mad at me. No! I mean, no, I'm not, I'm not mad. I'm not mad at all. I just don't... Betty, what the hell?
I just took that out of the kiln. Bruce, it's fine. Don't get mad. Just a piece of pottery.
Bruce, we've been dating for six months and I haven't had sex with the hulk yet. Okay, that's like half the reason I date you. Betty, when I'm the hulk, I'm ugly.
My skin turns green. Yeah, trust me. I don't care about your skin.
Okay, let's put it like this. What if every time I got angry, I got like this huge, awesome pair of boobs? You'd want to make me mad. Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, sorry. Let me look away on...
Maybe say something really mean to me. Maybe that'll be good. Maybe that'll give me some work. You're really ugly.
Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah.
Your pottery sucks. Yeah, yeah, me and her. Yeah, you're terrible in bed and I'd rather have sex with a hulk.
Wait, uh, sorry. This is embarrassing. I think I'm just going to go in the bathroom and get mad by myself.
That's okay. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Okay.
I believe in you, you piece of shit. Stop. It's just hurting my feelings now. All right, come on, Bruce. Get mad. Come on. You're stupid. Your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. You exposed yourself to gamma radiation. I mean, who does that?
I'm changing. The change is so painful.
Oh, Betty. Hulk smash. Uh, Bruce, I'm sorry. Is that you? No, it's a hulk. Hulk wants sex. Bruce, if it's not happening, we don't have to. No, no. It's the hulk. See? Hulk smash. Oh, God. Hot for Betty Hawkins. Okay, that's Yoda. This is getting weird.
I'm just going to head out. If you need me, I'll be at Hawkeyes.
Sorry, I just forgot my...
Wow. That's the smallest I've ever seen. |
dropout | troopers_rise_of_the_budget_official_trailer | I can sense something in you. A greater purpose. The will to inspire real change in our galaxy.
No way! Yes way! Soon I shall unleash a great evil onto the galaxy. All my cape are being flushed. Oh no, not again. My toilet has betrayed me! We are invisible and disposable. No, we're not!
How could she have escaped undetected? And with the orb? I can feel like the orb is sort of a vaguely defined MacGuffin. This could be our chance to manor!
Alright, fuck it. Computer, set a course. I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. No, there's no time! How long would you like to set timer? No! Timer set for? No. Second.
Destroy.
How's it feel that way? It's a place with all the people who are stuck out like a deuce. Isn't that offensive? Mommy! It's a me! What is with all these people? I believe they are happy. All of them? That's my wrinkled lavender asshole!
You're all cited for excessive gasping. Oxygen isn't free. No, no, no, no, no! Welcome to the router planet! What the fuck is this? |
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