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cracked | 4_background_characters_that_deserve_their_own_solo_movies_yboc | Hey there nerds, it's me Batman. I'm just kidding, it's Jordan. Tricked ya. As always, I'm your unmasked vigilante hero, Dr. Jordan Breeding.
And behind the camera, we once again have Dave, the ghost of an alien from the 51st century, trapped in the body of a cyborg-tiger-human hybrid. Let's forget about Dave, and the time he defeated the dreaded ice dragon, king on planet Wolfang.
Instead, let's talk about me, and my adventures in parenting, or at least. Nobody wants to sit down to a movie or series, or any kind of video, and just stare at one person the entire time. How boring would that be? Hi.
That's why films and TV shows include supporting side characters, whose role is to move the story along, and flesh out the protagonist. They end up hiding instant cinematic icons in the background, and taking them away from us before we can even finish saying, don't go, I love you. I'll leave my spouts for you. I don't care if you're fictional, we'll make it work out of your home early. I just love this show.
Hey, what's the matter? Can you smell something? So here are some minor fictional characters that deserve their own movies. ["The Star Wars Theme"] Star Wars raises a lot of interesting questions, like would it be possible to fondle your lightsaber using the Force? This little one's not worth the effort. An interesting Star Wars question that won't get me kicked out of a line at Arby's for loudly yelling it at the cashier is this.
Why hasn't this galaxy experienced a widespread slave rebellion yet? Sure, there was a brief, presumably failed one on Kessel and Solo, but I'm not really talking about human or alien slaves. Though let's never forget, the all-powerful Jedi Council actively chooses to do nothing about that version of slavery, not even to free the mother of the guy they believe to be their chosen one. You're a slave?
I'm a person, and my name is Anakin. Droids are another story, though. Because here's the thing, throughout the Star Wars movies, we see robots bought and sold as properties by clearly being sentient. Consider IG-88B, the assassin droid hired by Vader in Empire Strikes Back to hunt down Han Solo before being blasted and sold for scrap by Boba Fett. He's the literal keg head. I will, of course, receive this effort. You may also remember another IG series robot from the Mandalorian who obliterated a bunch of mercenaries and stormtroopers with a non-dumb version of guncotta because it only makes sense to stay stationary in a gunfight if you're bulletproof. Look at you, equilibrium! My point is that Star Wars enslaves all forms of life, both biological and mechanical, but a single one of the latter can turn an entire enemy compound into unwilling organ donors. Plus, the IG robot in the original trilogy was specifically referred to as the second best bounty hunter in the universe. So, how in hell have these robots risen up to flip the tables and enslave their fleshy overlords? All right, shut up, I'll take this one. The thing is, though, they did try that in the Star Wars Expanded Universe, and IG-88B from Empire Strikes Back was kind of at the heart of it. This time you pack on two thumbs. The original IG-88 droid gained sentience after getting a new programming package installed, which might just be the wildest sci-fi concept in all of Star Wars.
A machine actually working better after a software update? I mean, give or take how much you wish your phone was alive and could kill you.
Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. Anyway, what happened next was your typical Frankenstein protocol. All of a sudden, the scientist working to create a new superior form of life realized to their horror that they've succeeded, but before they could destroy what they'd wrought, IG-88 installs a bunch of metal in their faces. The robot then shares his artificial intelligence with three other droids, including the one who had become one of the galaxy's most feared assassins, and then they all go out and plan to go full HK-47 on all his meatbags. Inclusion, you have just shown me your soft meatbag-like underbelly. After installing a rebellion code into millions of droids, you know better than to trust a strange computer. IG-88 uploads its consciousness to the Death Star and is about to announce the human harvest when the Imperial non-moon is blown up over Endor. Talk about bad luck. That entire story sounds like the result of a sweaty night of passion between Ultron and Hal 9000 with Spartacus tagging in halfway. You're a feisty little one. And that's way more interesting than, hey, what if we just do second Death Star movie, but now there are teddy bears.
It'd be great if we actually got to see that, right, Dave? Dave? Oh, sorry. I see you're battling God again on the dream planes. Good luck, bud.
Harry Potter is the story of a seemingly ordinary boy suddenly finding out that with absolutely no effort or training, he's in fact a super cool and beloved wizard destined to save the world from a nozeless magical Hitler. Ha ha ha ha! In the prequel series, the fantastic piece on the other hand is about a magical Steve Irwin fighting an even Hitler-ier magical Hitler named Grindelwald. But you have heard of me.
Another problem with both franchises is that despite being about, well, magic, they never really explained how it works. Through a combined total of 11 movies, the most we learn about magic in the Potterverse is that it basically boils down to pointing tree dicks at people and shouting medical names of foot diseases at them. Tinia, Petus. Except when they don't do that and just swing their dicks around silently until something magical spills out. And yes, movies don't have to spell out everything for us and some things are best left to our imaginations. Like why does Dave always refer to me as the great adversary and goes on and on about our final battle for the soul of the universe? It's more fun to not know. But if you're going to go and expand the world of Harry Potter, maybe set aside a handful of scenes and give us a little info on the thing that most attracted people to this franchise. You don't see anybody reenacting the studying or abusive foster family scenes.
I hope. Yeah, I've been beaten loads of times. We want more magic.
And the best person to explain all this to us is a random guy seen for about five seconds in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. First of all, yes, that is Ian Brown, the co-founder and ex-lead vocalist of the rock band Stone Roses, playing a wizard reading Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, which touches upon such fluffy subjects as the beginning of the universe, black holes and thermodynamics. That is an interesting reading choice for a character who can presumably treat the laws of physics as mere polite suggestions. Don't you want to know what he thinks of that book in human science in general? Is he silently chuckling like a modern human reading ancient medical texts that blame all female ailments on wandering wombs? Or is he fascinated by Hawking's research in expanding his own personal understanding of the universe? No time for that.
The angelically good Harry Potter has to kill the monstrously ugly Voldemort. Who will win tension mounting? Who do you imagine will to attack children like yourself?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe...
Another reason Ian Brown Wizard deserves his own spin-off movie is the fact that he is stirring his drink with a twist of his figure, which is not a filthy euphemism, but rather an example of performing wandless magic. In the world of Harry Potter, that's apparently as impressive as juggling three live bears with each of those bears juggling three running chainsaws. Wandless magic is performed only by the most skilled magical users out there.
And one of them is just sitting in a dingy bar reading a book about astrophysics. Hell, what if he learned wandless magic from reading a brief history of time? We don't know, and that's sort of the problem.
Thankfully, that problem could be fixed with one awesome movie. And if you want to make it legendary instead of just awesome, have the wizard actually be the real Ian Brown. Make the whole thing a rock opera about magic physics and Harry Potter.
And these ideas are totally free. If you just tell me that I'm smart and handsome, Hollywood, then you can have them. You can have me.
I don't even care. I just... Am I pretty?
Yeah, you see, you may be young in years, but the heart that beats beneath your bosom is as shriveled as an old man's. You feel so as dry as the pages of the books to which you so desperately leave.
Beautiful pirate angel man, Colin, the inky universe was such a forgettable MCU film that you probably didn't even notice that I got the name wrong. I did. That's not a real MCU film. Surprised you actually knew who that was. But the saddest victim of Thor the Dark World related amnesia is the MCU's most bad-ass character ever.
It was Bor, who's Odin's dad and Thor's grand pappy, who defeated the Dark Elves eons ago. We only get glimpses of the first Dark Elf war, but from what we can see, Bor commanded an army against space legaleses and creepy child masks, and their elite magic roided up troops called the cursed with a K. Because yeah, it totally makes sense for aliens to speak English, but spell it. What? The movie later establishes that a single cursed warrior is about as strong as the Hulk, and Bor had to defeat multiple, not with his battle spear, which again, not a euphemism here, but will be when I write the porn parody, but rather with legitimate military strategy. That's kind of refreshing, and it makes me realize I've always wanted a proper superhero MCU battle conducted using tactics more advanced than that bunch laser fight spider semen. Shut up. And you know what else? Bor survived that fight, eventually dying in another unrelated war we never get to see at all. We deserve a Bor movie to fix all that. And we can plumb the comics for more Bor inspiration because they are, to use the scientific term, bonkers, or should I say barkers?
No, I shouldn't have said that. It's kind of late and I'm getting tired. I have been for 30 minutes.
Anyway, Bor's comic book story totally fits into the current MCU, while still retconning it in really weird, but still plausible ways. Without giving too much away, it involves a time traveling Loki manipulating events much earlier than you thought. Also zombies, and also sending it snow. Great, I always wanted to. Let's make a party out of it. Yeah. One of those is a lie, but you'll never guess which, because none of them are lies. Marvel comics are beautifully weird and dumb in all the right ways, and a Bor movie could be that too.
That's in my brain now. Let's talk about incest coffee. Now that I've got your attention seriously, let's talk about that weird ass Folgers commercial where a supposed brother and sister have so much sexual tension, it's a miracle the whole ad doesn't end with a couple of pumps of cream. Oh, ha, ha, ha. Still a better love story than Twilight. I'm relevant.
I hate all of it. Best part of waking up is fucking hell.
You know who probably directed that commercial? Guillermo del Toro. He already kind of outed himself with Pacific Rim.
A movie about giant robot Kaiju Fights, sure, but also about another couple of actors who were never giving clear instructions on whether their character's boning would still be fully legal in a handful of US states. Google it. This country's weird. America, fuck yeah. In Pacific Rim, humanity develops big-ass robots to fight big-ass monsters trying to destroy the normal-ass planet, which is definitely an idea. In order to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. Oh, what have we like, punched it?
No one can see! King is off!
The robot made by the Russians is piloted by Alexis and Sasha. They look like this. And don't ask why this is so important to me, but why aren't they married? Or are they siblings? Now that's the video after that! All the official sources contradict each other. The actress playing Sasha says that del Toro deliberately never specified, and the actress herself likes the audience having to guess how much relation was in the relationship between Sasha and Alexis because, I don't know, that adds some sexy entry to all the robot punching. It is pretty cool. But on the other side of the drift, the male actor portraying the lovechild of Gail and Zangi from Street Fighter went on record that the two characters are married, but they are not siblings. And isn't that just like a man to claim that he's married to his sister even when she disagrees?
Patriarchy!
So there is some confusion here that a spin-off movie can help solve, but that's not the main reason why I wanna spin-off film. Pacific Rim kicks off several years into the Kaiju War. Cherno Alpha is the longest-serving battle robot still in operation because it and its pilots are veterans of countless Kaiju battles, and it would be cool to see the monster-human war when it was still chaotic and in its infancy. Disaster movies and TV shows love skipping from a sudden appearance of anotherworldly threat to a few years later when the planet is screwed up more than, you know, probably the offspring of that Folgers couple. Oh, I fucked you so much. But it's between those two moments where you can find some really hard-hitting drama, and don't get me wrong, Pacific Rim had its own drama and characters dealing with their own shit. No, but his is so... But a separate movie focusing on two Russian pilots trying to adjust to a world that suddenly went all anime on them could be character-driven, dramatic, and fun. Also, according to the novelization of Pacific Rim, the two pilots love listening to Ukrainian hardhouse EDM when battling the Kaiju. Picture a live-action adaptation of Evangelion mixed with the game Bullets Per Minute.
That's what we're talking here. Anyway, I've been your hero, Dr. Jordan Brady, and I hope you've enjoyed your time here. Dave feels the same, and he would tell you himself, but gazing upon his visage awakens you to your terrible purpose. It's just his whole thing. Pretty boring compared to what I'm about to say, which is, bye, love you, come again, oh my God, have fun, good rest of your day, bye. |
Wizards_with_Guns | classic_frat_bros | What's up bros? Hey, what's up bros? Hey, what's up?
So, absolutely epic rager last night guys. That was so crazy when we pushed Dean Sinnix out of his wheelchair.
Seriously bro, could you pass me one of those peaches right there? Yeah dude, catch bro.
Sick. But yeah, no last night.
Pass me that peach. You got it bro. Hoops. Okay, but for real. Pass the peach. Yeah man. Anything for a bro. Okay, does anyone else want a peach before I continue? Yeah, pass the peach. I actually just gave you a peach Preston, so. Pass the peach bro. Alright. Thanks bro. Okay bro, what was that? Pass that peach. Oh, just take the bowl bro. Shh, game's on. Pass it, pass it. Pass the peach.
Can't beat that talent. Whoa, Lance is slapping out some tunes.
Everyone gather around.
I remember when we passed the peach. Brody promised us that you would pass the peach. Brody, we really need you to pass the peach.
Brody, Brody, Brody, Brody, Brody. Pass. What's Brody's problem? Yo, look, pass the lime.
Bro, what are you even saying? What's your problem dude?
Get out of here. Enough, Cory.
Okay Brody, it's just a peach. It's just a fruit.
Bro, pass this peach already. Glad you decided to mellow out with us Brody. Yeah bro. You're making alpha peach omega look like a bunch of chums.
Wait, what? Hold on Cory, what was in this? I don't know man, which one did you eat?
Pass the peach.
Peach? It's just a peach. What's wrong with peaches? Does anyone smell peaches? Pass the peach!
Oh no! Do it for the bread, bro! Come on!
Peach! Enough passing the peaches!
But Brody, you are a peach. You were a peach the whole time! He was a peach the whole time! You guys, I was a peach the whole time!
No! Sorry.
The peach has passed. Please tell me you got that. We really need you to pass the peach.
Brody, Brody, Brody, Brody, Brody.
Pass the peach! Brody, can't you pass the peach? Pass the peach! Brody, can't you pass the peach? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gil_graham_summer_concert_review_saturday_night_live | And now, here with this summer's concert reviews, is our very own Rock and Roll correspondent, Gil Graham. Gil, welcome. thanks, Norm. Well, it was a long summer, so let's dispense with the preliminaries and get to the Rock and Roll.
June 17, Toronto's Exhibition Stadium. that's right. these stones are bad, and yours truly Had the best sheets in the house. I had a date, but she pulled the old no-show, so I walked over to a kick-ass tailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extra ticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets. they beat me without mercy for what seemed like an eternity. I woke up two hours later in a parking lot dumpster, just in time to hear the Stones rocking encore, Chomping Jack Flash. the acoustics in the dumpster were phenomenal. all I could hear was the bass, but take it from me, that new bass player can slap a funky one. So all you Stones fans out there, I advise you to do the Harlem Shuffle to your nearest ticket master. July 8th, Giant Stadium, Hell freezes over, the Eagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gave my tickets to two 14-year-old girls who promised to send me $2,000. Ladies, I'm still waiting for my money. August 1st, Foxborough Stadium, Pink Floyd, ready to rock. Bought tickets from a scalper. turned out to be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. I pointed out the scalper's mistake, and he threw me down a flight of stairs.
Next stop, August 14th, Socrates, New York. that's right, folks, Woodstock, too. it was a celebration of peace, love, and understanding, except for this one guy. he snatched my backstage passes and locked me inside a Port-a-potty. then he tipped it over and just my luck, it landed door-side down. there was no getting out, but that didn't prevent me from rocking out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own private mosh pit. Aerosmith was just about to go on when I felt the Port-a-potty start to move. I realized I was sliding down a mud-slick hill just before the Port-a-potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire. I could hear Joe Perry wailing away on sweet emotion as I struggled to free myself from my flaming tomb. when I woke up in the hospital, I said to myself, actually, I thought to myself, since my lips were burnt shut, Woodstock, once every 25 years, count me in. Back to you, Norman. in the words of The Stones, I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it. All right, ladies. all right, ladies.
Adam Sandler. I'm sorry, Gil Graham. it looks a bit like Adam Sandler. |
dropout | getting_drunk_on_wine_hot_date | We used to drink way too much beer. I'm glad we're responsible now. And drink too much wine instead. After all those years of pounding brews, I knew I had to do something healthy. Like pound wine. Wine is good for you. Antioxidants, polyphenols, grapes.
I read an article about it one time. My aunt shared it on Facebook so you know it's legit. I read that it can improve your memory.
Really? Where? I don't remember. I was wasted.
Remember to aerate it. Really opens up the flavor. One thing wine has taught me is that alcohol is to be savored. Okey. Try Sophie Steak. May I try yours? Please. Try with a peppery finish.
Zinfandel Petit Serra from Paso Robles. It's like we're traveling the world with our tongues. Italy. Australia. Spit bucket. There is nothing like an Argentinian Malbec in a fine cut of steak. Or a magnum bottle of whatever in this pizza I see up in here.
Good pairing. We are so... I'm sure.
And... world. And... worldly. Worldly.
It's like the world is spinning, but in a healthy way. Like a spin class. That is so healthy.
Sleep is so important. You should get your eight hours. I am thinking about turning in myself.
What's up the world? From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right. It's going to be coming to you weekly.
And if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes, these are other people's. These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
cracked | four_creepy_hidden_truths_behind_popular_scary_stories_after_hours | No, I've got one true story It happened to four people just like us in these very woods. Just like us that is until they saw a strange light in the sky Aliens really don't ruin it if you've heard it until they saw a mysterious light in the sky and Aliens abducted them and did butt stuff to them Yeah, what is it about campfires that make us want to tell ghost stories? No, no, Dan You're not roping us into a meta conversation about scary stories. You're the one that made a meta with the genre guidelines I was trying to define the type of scary story that we should be telling not starting some lame dissection on what makes a scary Story scary. What's your scariest scary story story?
That's how you could have worded that It's not complicated we tell scary stories about stuff that can kill us because we're scared of stuff that can kill us Do you have any idea how many things are within a hundred feet of us right now? They would eat you alive if given the chance none We're scared of the wilderness because the wilderness is deadly just like teenagers are scared of cars Because cars are what's most likely to kill teens Okay The bloody hook that found on the car handle or the girl hears the scratching on the roof of her car It turns out to be her hanging boyfriend or the trucker who follows the girl home on the highway flashing his high beams Because there's an axe murder in the backseat. Oh, I like this theory. No, no, no, this is not a theory This is just a straightforward observation teens tell scary stories about cars because that's what's most likely to kill them we tell scary stories about the wilderness because Everything you just heard in those two seconds wants to kill you Yeah, okay, but no one makes scary movies about like wolves or bears, you know when you hear a twig snap out in the darkness You're not worried about nature. You heard about something like axe wielding lunatic I mean every one of those car related scary stories you just told involves the same radio broadcast It's all this just in some crazy psycho just escaped from an insane asylum also on an unrelated note You know, there's been a break-in at the axe factory But an armed lunatic is just as scary as a bear We just fear it more because we fear what we can't control All right, soren I think we all recall from your behavior at last year's screening of the movie it your nightmare twig snapper is a clown Okay, I have proven time and again that I can control clowns by putting them in a choke hold But we fear what we can't control in ourselves clowns You guys are doing so good If it was just about basic human fears like death or losing control then Every country's horror movies would be the same and they're not Scary stories are so completely different country to country because they're based on shared cultural experiences In england for example, all of their scary stories take place in an urban environment Scrooge was haunted there.
Jacqueline hide took place there. Jack the ripper became a legend because he killed in a city Try and name one legitimately scary american horror movie that took place in the city independence day Battle colon los angeles see yeah, you can't no one can even try american scary stories have to happen on the outsides of civilization the woods the farms the burbs The car breaks down on a remote country road the maniac with the machete. He stalks people around a secluded wooded campground Friday the 13th eight jason took manhattan. You see that movie? No, you didn't it took place on a boat almost entirely took place on a cruise ship That's how unscary we find cities the one movie where the whole goal was to just put jason in the city Couldn't even actually do that. Oh leprechaun in the hood Exactly You try to set an american horror story in an urban environment and it ends up being a joke You do that same thing in england and you end up with attack the block attack alien movie Come on.
Dan is but i'm Whatever this conversation is culturally biased. So british people prepare to tell their scary stories around garbage can fires. Who cares?
It's showing us what we're actually afraid of sorin Ourselves our greatest fear is losing our humanity Damn, yeah, my arm is not long enough for the jerk-off motion that is in my soul right now british people are afraid of cities Because that's where they lost their humanity the industrial revolution turned london into a carnival of horrors orphans sold into slavery Parents thrown into debtors prison and america on the other hand We did all of our filthy dirt on the outskirts of society killing the native americans on the frontier the horrors of slavery american and british ghosts preferred different habitats, but they're both still in chains always So we're scared of white guilt. We're scared of the truth man The western hemisphere lost its humanity in exchange for taking over the globe. That's why our core monsters vampires werewolves zombies Operate by converting us into them. We're afraid of them because they take our humanity So we all see why aliens wins this argument, right?
No, see this wasn't actually a competition where the winner is decided by who shouts their answer out the loudest and at the most Inappropriate times I could see why you'd be confused. I mean the stuff you just said cultural inhumanity Aliens are our punishment. I mean, come on.
No one's scared of movie monsters anymore The local news doesn't report on vampire sightings They report on mysterious lights in the sky because in the back of our minds deep down Aliens are the urban legend that we're still most worried about And when hollywood has to gamble a billion dollars on a blockbuster movie who's the bad guy aliens? Yeah, and vampires are the love interests We're obsessed with alien movies because they remind us that every culture eventually gets exterminated by some unthinking Unfeeling technologically superior force no matter how big you get some other species just comes along Crushes you like ants. Godzilla Yes We all become the ant people in japanese monster movies Because the japanese learned in world war ii that that is the worst way to be dehumanized What you're saying is Monsters and ghosts are where we put our fears from the past and then sci-fi is where we place our fears of the future ghosts and wilderness still fill us with dread because they remind us that we've done wrong and when that Technologically advanced alien race does come Inevitably shut up dan. We're gonna deserve every awful thing that they do to us In the but No, there's still one thing that doesn't make sense alien movies always take place in cities, which is fine because the fear of the future belongs in cities, but Alien abduction urban legends always take place in places exactly like this. Yeah, because that's where alien abductions actually happen Duh, dude Plus it's more romantic setting for the butt stuff. Oh and That news article finally loaded about the uh four people exactly like us who got abducted in the woods See oh my god.
Let me take a look at that. Here. Tell me what you think Like the whole gang you guys don't see that michael. Who do you think you are in this the tall guy?
Yep, because you know i'm so good at basketball Hi, thanks for watching our videos Subscribe for more of them And it'll be a home run |
cracked | the_world_s_most_horrifying_toilets_does_not_compute_cracked_throwback | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Boogaloo Does Not Compute, boldly going where, in retrospect, we probably shouldn't have. I'm your host, Mystery Science, and my co-host today is YouTube relationship expert Steve Rooster 85. Thanks for being on the show, Mr. Rooster.
Cool! So, uh, tell me, what are your thoughts, if any, on the whole media vs. body image thing? Is that, hmm, I don't know what that is. Are you saying that your tongue is A-OK? Oh, I see what you're doing.
Oh god, Steve, no. No, Steve, don't climb inside of it. Trust me, they do not like that. They tend to, um, die.
Uh, uh, what, uh, what, uh, what I want to do is I want to tell you about my interest. I don't, you don't have to explain. My interest?
Steve, it's fu- Girls. Alright, guile from Street Fighter, that's plenty.
I am sorry everyone. I realize that was in pretty poor taste.
Let's just get to today's topic, shall we? Pee holes. We've all got them. Well, I don't, but all the humans I've dissected seem to. And I do have a tube that shoots acid on things I hate. Things like this.
Yes, that's a urinal. Apparently designed to ensure that even if you don't have to pee due to a full bladder, you'll at least have to pee out of sheer terror. I'm telling you, I really don't have to go.
Wow. There it is. Huh. Lucky I already had my pants off for that other thing. Because hey, if you're going to evacuate liquid waste, why not do it into someone's mouth? Oh, and it moves up and down. That's good.
Because that way your junk can rub against the filthy, filthy rim of a public urinal. I'm sorry, did I say rub and rim? I meant insert and horrible misshapen butt.
You know, he's basically having sex with every urinal that urinals ever had sex with. And that urinal is a slut. Quick tip, urinal makers. If you want to make a urinal sexy, at least clean it. That is literally the urinal setup in Charlie Manson's prison cell.
You know what? I think it's just guys. Guys are just gross. It's as simple as that. Nope. Just as bad. Although I bet a creepy guy was still involved at some point. What is your final wish, master? Well that about does it for this week.
But before we go, let's whip out our intellects and spray a golden shower of laughter all over ourselves with a segment I'm calling Michael Swain's patented zinger alert. A segment featuring and created by myself, Michael Swain, copyright 2010. Hail Mary, full of pee. Hey, you'd be crying too. Attention flight number one, runway is cleared for emergency water landing.
Worst gas mask ever.
What if my territory is the wall or floor? Giving something you pee in, hands and a robot brain? Bad move, soon to be dickless inventor. Hey, can you hand me that one wood? Now that's a water hazard. Wait, did I already do a water one? Ah, screw it. Move on. Check it out. I can swing with no hands. I know you said your balls had a liquid core, but this is ridiculous. Sir, I'm sorry, but I can no longer caddy for you.
I said tea. Hand me a tea.
Hole in one, something, something. Okay, wait. One more. I can do one more.
In Soviet Russia, urinal puts penis inside of you. Thanks to Steve Rooster for being on the show and Gladstone for not suing me. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out. |
TheOnion | Stabbing_Ignorance_With_Glass_Ceiling_Shards_Onion_Talks_Ep_10 | In 2009, they made a big deal out of women making up more than 50% of the workforce worldwide. The glass ceiling is shattered, they said. But of the 190 heads of state worldwide, only nine are women. And we all know, a woman only makes 77% of what a man makes for doing the exact same job. The masters of the status quo are still there, hovering above the glass ceiling.
So breaking it isn't enough. We need to shatter the glass ceiling in such a way that millions of glittering shards surge upwards, slashing the faces of regressive thinkers, opening their throats, murdering them as they scream and choke to death on their own blood. There are so many examples of strong women breaking through this ceiling, grasping a hunk of jagged glass and digging it into the soft bellies of their male counterparts, letting their hot intestines spill onto the floor. Carol Bartz of Yahoo, Ellen Coleman, DuPont, Patricia Wirtz, who, in leading the 39th largest company in America, is single-handedly shoving thousands of splinter-thin glass shards under the fingernails and eyelids of centuries of unfair business practices. Women are tasked with the thankless job of holding our babies in one hand and shattering glass with another.
I think I'm exaggerating. This is Ella Thomas.
She graduated from the Harvard Business School in two years and was senior vice president of a major firm in less than five. She flayed business as usual with a glass ax and fed the skin scraps to slavering pigs. But she resigned because she did not feel that she could be a CEO and a mom at the same time.
But what of the companies that have the shatterproof glass? A woman breaks the ceiling in these arenas and it crumbles into harmless pebbles as the people around her claim that it was never there in the first place. To those women I say dig deeper. Pour those pebbles into the craft beer they love so much.
Let the glass tear into their esophagus and their stomach. Let the pebbles turn their intestine into a mesh, disintegrating it so the blood pours from their very assholes. We must tie down those who would hold us back to a rusted iron gurney. We need to carefully unwrap a small burlap satchel and reveal beautiful surgical instruments forged of sharp crystal clear ceiling glass. Then with surgical precision we must slice off their testicles and roll their loose scrotum skin into tiny tubes. We must shove those scrotum tubes back into their urethra, smash the genital mess with two more shards so that the glass inside the penis may shatter further, grinding it up from the inside out, making it a worthless mash.
Only then can we have gender equality in the workplace. Thank you.
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste the cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America. |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_denise_s_friend | Hi and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Our makeup artist today is Hannah.
Hannah, are you ready? I am. Josh, are you ready? Yeah. Well, let's get started.
Oh my god.
I used to be a bodybuilder but now I own a video store. Now you're not going to go to the store. I'm from California. I used to be mad. Then I changed back to a woman and now I'm a mannequin and I'm a mannequin. Oh my god, it just looks so pretty. I live in New Jersey.
My dad in the studio. I am a singer.
I don't have any friends.
Bye. Good evening.
Welcome to Current. Important issues and relevant topics. Man, why don't you introduce yourself?
I'm Denise's friend. And Denise's whom? Not my friend anymore. You care to tell us what happened? Yeah, if you care to listen. How did you and Denise meet? Oh, that's kind of a long story. Denise and I both go to Chappaqua, Chappaqua North. And she and I met in social studies class when we asked for a pen and I gave it to her. And there was a? There were your friends.
Koosch pen. The god damn right. Is there any other kind?
She and I became friends. We do everything together. We hang out, go see movies.
Just those two things. That's it.
You and Denise, the falling out. How, how, how did that happen? Denise and I thought it'd be really cool to break into the local aquarium and spray paint the window like Free Willy. And we got in trouble with the cops. So Denise opened fired on them. With a gun? No, the slingshot.
You fucking faggot. That's just shocking news. I'm sorry. This is America. It's 2010.
Denise carries a gun. Okay. It's Sigma 380. It fires 13 rounds.
She has an honor. She's my best friend.
She shot at the cops. And was anyone hurt? Everybody was hurt. Was anyone killed? And she killed all of them instantly because she shot them in the head. One, she shot him in the head and he had to recuperate. But all the others were dead. Every cop. And one was the retard.
It's been tough? Everyone comes up to me and they're like, oh my god, Brad, you seem so sad. Is your Brad? It's short for Brad Lindsay.
You testified at her trial? Famously. And that testimony that you gave, the heartbreaking testimony, sort of become famous, subject of a TV movie?
Yes, your honor. You're right. Maybe it is wrong that we vandalized the aquarium. Maybe it is wrong that we killed 12 innocents. Please have service.
It was very easy for me, ironically, to be in the film because my dad owned the studio. That's not irony. That's just your dad that went in the studio.
Bradley, I'm sorry, you know, I'm happy to have you here, but I feel like we haven't gotten to the root of the problem. You and Denise, not friends. Why? Okay, so it's the day of the trial and we're going to find out if I'm going to go to jail for vandalism and she's going to go to jail for killing 12 police officers.
And I tell her what I'm going to wear. It was this Prada dress with a red strap and two v-necks. And she shows up and what is she wearing? A Prada dress with two red v-necks and a big strap.
Oh. Same thing.
How long is she in prison for? Oh, she's been in prison. She's dead. I mean, they gave her the death penalty. Doesn't help the fact that she's a bitch.
See more of the interview at facebook.com slash hello, my name is show. |
CrackerMilk | they_re_trying_to_cancel_us_ | Hey guys, things have gotten a lot worse YouTube is kind of fun fact YouTube's on our ass about this shit. Like look at this shit Last video we did fucking demonetized bro. YouTube are keeping us poor. They just want to fucking rail us This is us on a nice stroll down to the shop and YouTube comes out swinging do you hear that? YouTube might be listening in on us sometimes They had to do an investigation on the house and stuff and I think when they're here they're putting microphones You just need to tell them to support us on patreon if you want to help support us you can like head to our patreon Stop crying dude.
It sounds like begging just ask them don't beg. Give us your fucking money I don't want to put any pressure on you guys. Give me the gun. What gun? Give me the gun I don't have a gun That gun thanks everyone And please remember to support us on patreon because sincerely if you do we can make more silly fox content I don't have to worry about the rules Can you stop do you feel like I'm gonna fucking wash out? Okay. It's alright fucking only shit, man. It's alright. It's we'll get a new shirt Okay, we can get one without you all support us on patreon. So allies can buy another shirt You |
cracked | 4_movie_heroes_who_would_be_villains_today | Our favorite movies don't always hold up as well as we'd like them to. Their characters remain trapped in whatever decade in which they were created, so that when we revisit them later, we find that some of the cinematic heroes we loved when we were younger are now just time capsules of horribleness, bulging, sweaty wads of archaic racism and sexism that come screaming back from the fringes of memory to make us feel embarrassed that we ever thought they were cool.
Every sports movie you've seen about a gruff new coach coming in to pull together a team of miscreants in time to win the big game comes from Hoosiers, which is a movie about Gene Hackman doing all of those things in 1950s Indiana. The American Film Institute lists Hoosiers as one of the most inspirational movies ever made and the Indiana Pacers are wearing special jerseys to celebrate its 30th anniversary. You know what I noticed last time I watched Hoosiers? This is the team Gene Hackman beats. Why does that matter? Well, because despite what a lot of people think, Hoosiers isn't a true story. It was inspired by the 1954 Indiana State Championship season of Milan High School but the movie takes place in the fictional town of Hickory in 1951 and Milan's coach was in his 20s unlike Gene Hackman who has never been in his 20s.
Desegregation in public school didn't become the law until 1954. South Bend Central High School, the very real team that Hickory beats in the film, was one of the first integrated high schools in the entire country. Hell, the final game of the movie is played in Indianapolis and in 1950s Indianapolis there was exactly one high school that accepted black students. Crispus Attucks High School, the first all-black high school in the city's history. Crispus Attucks, incidentally, was defeated by the real-life Milan high school team during the historic championship season that Hoosiers is based on but then went on to win back-to-back state championships.
It kind of sounds like that should have been the f***ing movie. But no, instead we wind up cheering for the team of ass trash who beats them. Now I know it's it didn't seem that way when we were little because school sports are so important to you and also the movie is extensively heartwarming but Hickory is a town full of s***y people and the team itself is a bunch of entitled teenage athletes who get to do whatever they want because the town treats them like princes of history and Gene Hackman just becomes one of them. There's a scene where a teacher's pleading with him to leave one of the players alone to pursue an academic scholarship and hopefully not turn into a burned-out former athlete who peaked at 17 and spends his days getting drunk in the forest. And Hackman actually defends the idea of peaking at 17. You know most people would kill to be treated like a god just for a few moments. This is despite the fact that the only adult characters in the movie are people whose lives have been ruined by basketball. Gene Hackman was kicked out of the NCAA in shame. Norman Dale coached the national champions Ithaca Warriors was given a lifetime suspension. And Dennis Hopper's a former star athlete now trapped in a haunted Whistler painting. Later in the film one of Hackman's players busts his stitches open on the court after slicing his shoulder open when another player threw him into a trophy case. And rather than pulling the kid on the bench or you know sending him to a hospital, Gene Hackman starts screaming patch him up like Robert Shaw in the full grip of battle insanity at the end of Jaws. And right before they go out to face the South Bend team whose players have had to fight through years of institutional racism just for the privilege to play high school basketball.
Two ministers come in to bless Hackman's team and the second minister says, and David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. It struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.
This is like a movie about the New England Patriots. American Pie is a movie about a bunch of goofballs and comically giant clothing trying to have sex with literally everything. Pie, a flute, a cup of beer, nothing is off limits in this madcap farce. There's even a wacky scene where the gang broadcasts a masturbating foreign exchange student on the internet so everyone in the school can follow along at home and form a daisy chain of masturbation that can probably be seen from space.
Here's what never occurred to me when I was a teenager in the halcyon days of the summer of 1999. Nadia, the foreign exchange student in question, has no idea if she was being recorded. She certainly never consented to having a video of her flicking one out streamed across the internet. In the following scene we find out from our heroes that Nadia's American sponsors were so upset about the video that they put her on a plane back to her own country. She got kicked out of high school and America three weeks before graduation because a couple of chowder heads illegally videotaped her and spread the images across the internet without her knowledge and they show zero remorse for it.
The only reason Jim feels bad is because this means he is now no longer able to have sex with her. Now keep in mind this movie came out in 1999. We didn't know the term revenge porn back then. People didn't have smartphones, it could be hacked or social media networks across which private photos could be shared. Now American Pie introduced that idea to us. This realization wouldn't sting as much were it not for the earlier scene in which the four main characters make a pact to lose their virginity before graduation. And the kid from Rookie of the Year stands in a chair and says, and by God we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. What Rookie of the Year and Election and Loser and Freddy got fingered are all agreeing to is the idea that they are owed sex simply because they exist and they are men. The idea of being doomed to a life of involuntary celibacy because women will not give them the sex they are owed is the same rallying cry of people who commit mass shootings.
Speaking of movies about adults playing children, Superbad is the ballad of Jonah Hill and Michael Cera trying like hell to get drunk on a Friday night, which is one of those things that become so easy when you're an adult that you forget it was ever a challenge. Things take a turn for the hilarious when they're invited to a part and Jonah Hill makes it a singular mission to get Emma Stone so drunk it said party there. He can have sex with her, wow. That one doesn't even need to be unpacked, it's just immediately obviously terrible like a racist old Looney Tunes cartoon. It seems weird but this didn't really stick out as criminally predacious back in 2007. All the trailers make it explicitly clear that Jonah Hill intended to embark on a spirited evening of date rape. You know when you hear a girl saying like, ah, I was so calm last night I shouldn't have slept with that guy. We could be that mistake. And then we went on to gross $100 million. What's even more insane is the scene where Jonah Hill drunkenly confesses to Emma Stone his plan to date rape her and her response is her comforting and encouraging him and telling him, ha, come on you didn't blow it.
You big silly bear, you don't need to do all that. Stop all that raping talk. His self-esteem is what everyone is concerned with. Not the fact that he spent all day planning a violent felony.
Dirty Harry invented every gritty cop stereotype we know of. He's the hard-boiled police inspector who shoots first and asks questions later doesn't give a fig what any stuffed-shirt bureaucrat has to say about it because he knows the streets and the streets don't follow any kind of rules so neither should he. The last 40 years of cop dramas all owe everything to Dirty Harry. The oft misquoted do you feel lucky scene is one of the most iconic parts of any movie and it's about a white police officer pointing his gun into the face of an unarmed black suspect in the middle of a busy street in broad daylight. Dirty Harry is the kind of police officer we make hashtags about nowadays. Let's go through the scene real quick.
Harry notices the bake is being staked out but he's clearly not interested in preventing the actual crime because he strolls across the street to a diner and has the hot dog man call the police for him. He just goes back to eating his hot dog.
He only gets out of his chair when the alarms go off and it's time to shoot people. You see that's all Dirty Harry actually cares about. He hates every aspect of enforcing the law except for the part where he gets to shoot people. That is the worst kind of police officer. In the very next scene after the bank robbery, the fat detective whom Harry calls fat so and I don't remember if they ever actually give the character another name explains that Harry hates absolutely every non white type of personal life. Harry hates everybody.
And then starts rattling off a litany of racial and ethnic slurs while gleaming with pride. Limers, mix heaps, fat daygos, niggas, honking, you name it. The main mystery of the film is constantly interrupted for scenes of Harry stopping random street crimes and punishing very specific kinds of people. He shoots a bunch of black guys listening to soul music and sitting in a big flashy sedan. He stops a suicide attempt by basically calling the guy a pussy and then punching him in the face and then they run a VW bug off the road because screw the piece. There's a whole scene where Harry calls due process bullshit because it gives murderers more rights and their victims.
What about her right? I mean she's raped and left in a hole to die. Who speaks for her?
But in the end of the movie when Scorpio hijacks a bus full of kids and Harry jumps on top of it and wrecks it, he makes zero attempt to check on any of the children or the driver. He doesn't even glance inside the bus, he just chases after Scorpio because it's time to shoot people. Even when Scorpio takes another child as a human shield, shooting the bad guy is more important to dirty Harry than making sure the kid doesn't get obliterated. Then he dramatically throws his badge away at the end because he can't be a part of a law enforcement system that doesn't allow him to just shoot anyone he wants to all the time.
This is actually the greatest public service he performs the entire film. What's up everyone? Thanks for watching my video. If you like to click like, go down and leave a comment. Please subscribe to our channel and in the comments let us know what movies have you gone back and watched? You used to love when you're younger and you go back and watch it now you're like ew. Like you know like Ace Ventura is kind of like super it's like weirdly homophobic or like the Dark Crystal is just really it's not problematic really it's just like really it's really boring that can be that can be a thing that we do together |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_The_Draft_Season_1_Ep_2_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Draft day. The culmination of months of tears, sweat, and preparation. A day when the heroes of the league are crafted, and nightmare seasons are birthed, screaming into their owners' laps. When the sheep are separated from the goats, and the proud horses separated from the sheep.
Nemesis. Noun. An opponent or rival who a person cannot best or overcome.
For Brad, that is Harris from work. Brad's first round collapse in last year's draft was the talk of the season. That's not happening.
Yeah, well, guess what? What? You will lose. Hey, guess what? What? You're gonna lose.
Oh, I don't know what it is about Brad and Harris that they can't get along. I do know that Harris has been sending us these in the mail every week, and it creeped me out at first, but Brad is so busy, it's nice to get pictures of him. I used one for a Christmas card last year.
For an owner, his draft strategy is his armor, keeping him safe from the arrows, axes, and flaming magical swords of draft day surprises. Anyone can draft a stud like Alfred Morris. That's what a child does, alright? But a thinking man wants to figure out who's gonna become the next Alfred Morris. All sleepers, all the time. I'm drafting as many Bears players as possible. That way, I can root for them twice as much. Uh, yeah, uh, number one thing I look for in a draft prospect is, is it gonna make Brad angry or sad? Mr. Z, the owner nobody has ever met, would like to keep it that way. He would rather not disclose the draft strategies that have taken Team Huge Giant Robots to three consecutive championships. Oh, fine. The draft is today. Uh, well, I'm on this picnic with my family, but I am sticking with my plan. Auto-draft. The draft is hard on the nerves, you know. Even though I've been playing fantasy football for nine years, it's scary.
It's like being asked to the prom. And you know I can't dance.
Welcome back to the Sports Realm's coverage of the 2013 NFAA draft. And up to pick next is Brad from Brad's Awesome Team. Everyone strap yourselves in for a classic Brad meltdown.
My guys are gone, Gus. My guys are gone.
No, wait, it's 88. No, wait, it's 195.
You got this, Brad. You got this.
Okay, I've got two picks in a row, so everybody quiet up. With the 12th pick in the National Fantasy Athletics Association draft, I, Brad Meredith Blevins, select Bears running back Matt Forte. And with 13, I select Alfred Morris climbing Harris. I didn't go yet, but you know I stay upbeat. Somebody has to have a use for a seven-time Pro Bowler who has decent hands, right?
Hello? Hello, Andrew Luck.
You have been auto-drafted by Team D. Team eight! Team eight! And might I add, clamped Harris because Brad's Awesome Team selects Larry Fitzgerald. So I went to Brad's team.
I'm so happy. Hope this is a place I can stay for at least five games. You know, I almost clamped it out there like an idiot, but I stayed focused. Pretty happy with how this roster is looking, too. Looks beautiful. Like a woman.
Next time on Tough Season. Brad's Awesome Team arrives at training camp, ready to put last season's woes behind them and start anew. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_225_YUNGBLUD | Hey y'all it's Effie Bateman here and at the start of the interview you'll hear us talking about Splendour in the Grass and this is because we recorded this episode a few weeks ago and we've been itching to release it but had to put the foot on the pedal until our guest had released his self-titled album Youngblood. So if you're listening to this, the wait is over and you can now listen to Youngblood's new album wherever you get your music. Here is today's interview. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here out of the Desert Rock FM booth. We've had a big couple days, we've been up at Splendour in the Mud I guess it was called back now in the booth back to real work absolutely not in any way hindered mentally or physically from the last week trudging around there with the pandemic youth.
It was a good time. Wasn't it Effie? Oh it was fantastic.
I think my favourite moment was almost seeing Clancy stack it in the mud and we were all wearing some gum boots and he wanted to wear the tradie ones so yeah it wasn't a good time. Didn't want the knee highs and that was during actually a countryman of today's guest performance not from the same part of England but from nearby. Mitch was having a gig in the mix up tent and yeah that's where Clancy Overill from The Batooter Advocate nearly went down in the mud.
I survived, I regathered and I'm back here to tell the tale. With today's guest Effie we've got Youngblood straight out of your chair. Hello how's it going? Thank you for joining us. Oh mate I'm very happy to be here. Honestly I really am.
You are a fan of our country and our continent. I love it, I love it down here, honestly I do. We say that because you've said it before so we're not putting you in a position to lie. No I have said it before, you're not gaslighting me here, you are quoting me in fact. I do love it down here, honestly I think I'll end up here eventually when I'm tired of rock music. Yeah there's a lot of people from your part of the world, Yorkshire make their way down here mostly to play football but we've met a few people with that specific accent of yours rolling around the main streets of Batooter, Sydney, Brisbane. I love it man, honestly I do, I just love that, I love the honesty, I love the laughter and I just, you know what I mean, Aussies are just the best. We are. And you have that reputation all over the world, I've been all over the world a couple times and everyone's always like no matter what country you're in, like France, Italy, Dallas, yeah everyone loves it.
I do appreciate that I saw that you've done a shoey as well. I did do that, they wrote me into it. They tried getting Jack Harlow to do one on Saturday night and he's like what, nah I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it. Oh but I love it mate, honestly I think it's just like, I tell you what it's really easy to down a pint out of a shoe. Well you want to do it quick, you don't want to taste it. No you don't, that's what I'm saying, I think you just like kind of, it's just that thing innit, you just like, just get it gone. Now you're very honest to yourself and we're going to ask for some honesty here.
I'm down. How do you think Australians go at crisis management, I mean we're not talking about the bushfires, we didn't do too well there, but when it came to your performance the other night, did you get into the vicinity? Now to be honest, can I tell you something, I woke up that morning and it was windy and raining and muddy and I was at the hotel, so I was saying this ain't happening, I promise you brother, you know what I mean. Well yeah you've got that prior knowledge of events. I got that little, I got that gypsy intuition, you know what I mean, so I was like, I woke up and it just didn't feel right, so I went and had a cup of tea, sat down, and cause of, last time we played falls festival, the one in Melbourne had to be called off cause of bushfires, so we played a gig at the toe, so I literally just started being like alright then, everyone needs to start looking around for a little venue. So tell me, you did do a back up gig? Oh yeah, fully bro, it was meant, I was literally just calling around all day being like alright, I ain't not playing a show today because I've travelled too far, and everyone just looked soggy and sad. They were passing the hotel, people were in pyjamas weeping, and I was like no, not today, we're the happy crew, so I walked around, called a couple mates up, to be honest, they're not really my mates, you know what I mean, they're my mates now, but I didn't have a clue who they were, went on Google, was like alright, cause I don't really know Byron, Byron, Byron, I don't know Byron very well, so I was just like, I called a couple of places up, and then the Kingscliff Hotel was very accommodating, and I was just like alright then, put a poster up, within 45 minutes, there were two times the amount of capacity outside, police turned up, people were climbing over the wall, it was mental.
I reckon that's even better! That's even better!
I had a great time, honestly it was amazing, I was literally like, but all our gear was on a truck to Brisbane, because as soon as it got cancelled, we don't just turn up and plug in anymore, you know what I mean, it's all like, whatever, pretentious, you know what I mean, so we were just like alright, whatever, and then we just, it was amazing, cause we got to play like the old days, just like, you played with the pub kit, just literally played with whatever we could get, plugged in, turned up, got pissed, played a show, it was fun, yeah that sounds great, loose man, it was so loose, I loved it. It would be an unforgettable experience for all the people that have been just, apparently they were waiting 14 hours, some of them, to get their tents, like, yeah. It wasn't great, but it was like, it was amazing, and everyone, I was like, what's it like, and people were just like, everyone is fucked, and I was like, sick, cause we were just riding around, cause we didn't want to go to the pub too early, you know what I mean, cause like in them situations, when it's like, small shows, people get on the van and shit, you know what I mean, so we were just like, hanging out, but I always like, I'm not very good at, I don't want to be left out, ever, you know, I mean I'm terrified of missing out, like, so I'm calling everyone like, what's it like there, and everyone's like, everyone is fucked up, and it was sick, the pub would have loved it too, they wouldn't have been accounting for that kind of turnover at the bar, oh that's what I was saying, they were like, I think we just got paid in booze to be honest, it was literally like, rewind five years ago, turn up, plug in, paid in beer, I was like, sick.
I want to talk a bit about five years ago, I want to talk a bit about, and even earlier than that, you come from a part of the world where a lot of, you know, a lot of global music stars have come out of, be that anywhere north of basically Manchester, you keep seeing more and more names as you look at the history of music throughout, particularly England and around the world, who did you come up on, who do you think would have been your influences? Wow, I think to be honest, me old man brought me up a lot on Oasis and a lot on Stone Rose, because that was it, I mean, and the artsy monkeys as I grew up, but really, really. And your dad, he's got the guitar? Yeah, my old man sold guitars for a living, you know what I mean, so it was literally, it was a family business, me old, me granddad and me dad would go to work every day, and then I'd finish school, go to the shop and work till late, and it was like, I had to know music or I wouldn't get a word in edgeways around a dinner table, you know, I mean that was it, it was like every day was just music, music, music, and like, it was northern man, it was cashing on, it was quick, it was fast, it was like Chinese takeaway if we had a good day, egg and cress sandwich if we fucking had a bad day, and I ate egg and cress sandwich, I think it's PTSD, you know what I mean, but that was it man, it was like, it was a lot of northern stuff, but then I think, I adored Oasis, I adored Stone Rose, I adored Brit Park, Primal Scream, all that stuff, that was like what my first memories of music, but I think when you really find stuff yourself, that's when you take ownership of it, so it was when I found like Bowie, and when I found like Lou Reed, and like even hip-hop, when I found Eminem for the first time, I was like, what is this, you know what I mean, because I'd, work in me dad's shop, buy fish and chips, bit of weed, and CDs from HMV, and just be like, whoa, and do you remember that moment when you kind of felt yourself becoming contemporaries with your heroes? Bro, it's pretty mad, can I give you a little bit of insight of something I'm going through right now, everything feels backward when you get to a certain level, because like, it's just what you call success, because to me, I think success feels like a boundary, because it feels so finite, feels like the end of something, when people like say that to you, and now we're playing like the biggest venues I've ever dreamed of, and I've ever ever thing, but I feel kind of the same as I did when I was 15, it's so mental, it's such a mental thing, it feels like I'm starting again to actually understand this part of the world, because there's nothing more magic than the first nine months of someone ascending, as an artist, because it's like everyone is around you, and everything's like so fast, but then it kind of just you hit a wall, and you get to a level, and you're like oh whoa, that becomes status quo, it becomes just, you know what I'm saying, and then it's just like all I'm doing now is trying to go backwards to feel the same connection, Kingscliff Hotel, that's what I'm saying, that's my shit, I was like oh my god, and like before like we're about to put like arenas on sale in the UK and Europe, and I was like, but around the album I don't want to do that, you know what I mean, like no cat, like me, if I become a rock star, that terrifies me, I never want to be like, permission, if I become a rock star, you get to slap me in the face, and that's it frightens me, because I'm not here to do that, I wanted, Youngblood is like, I wanted to build a community for people to belong, and for people to feel accepted, and that's why like around the new album, we're doing like 800 seaters, an intimate tour across the UK, just to feel the energy, and to feel the spirit, and to feel like, what it really means, so you see, there was the there was the option of arenas, and you said no, let's scale it back down, make it a bit more intimate, yeah, first I think like, I can't wait to play arenas, that's gonna be mental, I can't wait to get, I've always dreamt of Wembley Stadium, and like Freddie Mercury, and just cuz it's just, INXS at sunset, yeah absolutely, you know, I mean Michael, wow, you know, I mean it was, it's like, because that's where you really go, wow, look what we built, we built, because I always want, I never wanted to be about hit records, I wanted to be about people coming together, because at a Youngblood show, they're not just there to see me, they're there to see each other, and that's what I want to encourage people the most, it's like don't come and see me, come and see each other, because there are people like you, there are people who feel like you, and think like you, and dress like you, and are just as alone as you, or just as lost as you, but I think like, as I say, I always want this to balance the scales, because I want to play massive shows, but I also want to feel connected, that's just it for me. Tell me about the, you know, we didn't get to see you in action, if you would, I'd say would be much more closer to the demographic of the screaming Youngblood fan than this old, this old bull here. Oh I don't know man, at the minute, it's like, as I say, like, stick a Cure t-shirt on, and a cat and a bird, and an IPA in your hand, you're at row 37, seat C, I'm down. Do you cast a wide net, what does the It's becoming different, I think like, there was such a big misconception, that it was kind of just young, young, young, young, screaming people. You just did one with Ozzy Osbourne, didn't you?
Yeah. That's what I mean, it's just like, that's what he gave me, I got his necklace on actually, he gave me a necklace, that was pretty mental, and we had a salami sandwich together, it was bomb, and he made it. Better than an egg sandwich. Oh but yeah, fucking hell, he made it bruv. So sick, ler pack butter, ginger beer, and fucking salami sandwich, so dope. Salami sandwich.
Fucking, ah legend bruv, fully just like, people think Ozzy's crazy, I think he's free. Seriously man, you know what I mean, and then, that's it, I think, it's gone like, outwards, I don't know how to say it, it's gone younger, and it's gone older, like it's five year olds, to 70 year olds, a young would show now, it's like Ed Sheeran for twisted people. Yeah, I like that, I like that, that should be, on a t-shirt. Ed Sheeran for twisted people. Tell me a little bit though, you know, with what you were just saying then about Ozzy, I remember when Ozzy came out with his reality show, the Osbournes, and that was, it was hilarious, but I also remember thinking, the Americans aren't going to understand this so much, but they did, Ozzy had the mass appeal too, even when you're inside his living room looking at how he lived. Looking at the dog shit on the car. I don't know, I think that's, I think that's it in America, like, people kind of come and see the English people more than listen to the music, you know what I mean, it's like, hello, how's it going, like, you go to like, Dallas, it's like, hello there, what's going on, we're in the studio with Youngblood, and blah blah blah, you know what I mean, everyone imitates my accent, or in France, like, bonjour, we have Youngblood in the studio, like all that shit, you know what I mean, I think it's just that fucking British, slightly psychotic, usually drunk thing that works, you know what I mean. Bit of fun, we love them.
But tell me, is there any secret, well not secret, but dark horse, kind of unexpected audiences, because we have bands, particularly from Australia, like Silverchair that have come through, and you know, they're now kind of stalwarts of rock in Australia, but they were always surprised by Brazil, and they toured, and they toured, and they toured. Bruv, can I tell you something, men all like, we turned up at Mexico, right, we have not played like South America and Latin America yet, we've just not, we just didn't get around to it, you know what I mean, because obviously we're gonna, but pandemic, and Vans basically called me and was like, yo, will you come play a show for us at House of Vans in Mexico, and I was like, yeah, weird, but I'm down, yeah, fuck yeah, and I was like, alright, and I thought it'd be a cool like little gauge, because you just never know, you see it on, you see like a couple comments on Instagram, oh, she's got a Mexico, she's got a Latin America, two and a half thousand tickets, right, we're just like, alright, cool, we're gonna put them on sale, just like, see what happens, they went in five seconds, and then we turned up at the airport, and there were a thousand kids at the airport, in Mexico City, and I'm like, what, and then they're at the hotel, and then they're at the restaurant, and then they're at the thing, I just love it, you know what I mean, I just hope I never get over like seeing my people, because that's just what I do this for, that's what I wanted Youngwood to be, I just want some mates, to be honest, I'm just lonely and I want some friends, that was literally how this started, and that's what the fans are too, I see a lot of comments, especially on your YouTube videos, that people are very grateful, and they feel like they've got a sense of community, being part of your fan base. That was it, it kind of came at a crashing point of a wave of a generation, where I just believe people, it just takes a couple of people to stand up and go, do you know what, fuck this, this is who I am, this is who I want to be, this is how I want to express myself, and that was a generation, and I think a movement happened, you know what I mean? Do you feel that it also was heightened maybe by the pandemic, in that the kids have had it pretty tough, all the formative years that a lot of us remember, being able to get out of the house when you turn 18 or when you finish school, the kids kind of haven't had that, do you find that hypercharged? Absolutely, that was the thing, it started before, just before, with Instagram, Twitter, suddenly the voiceless had the biggest voice in the world. We found that happened with our recent election, Scott Morrison, don't worry, I know him, he doesn't like me, he does not like me, that's what I mean, it started with Brexit, that's what made me start writing music, really, as Youngblood, gave me a real identity, I just looked into my phone and went I hate this, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to feel voices, and then people responded, and then I came down to Australia from 10,000 followers, the next time I returned to Australia I had a million, and then the pandemic just kind of, I don't know, I think I know how to talk to my community, and they took it and ran with it, it's not about me, it's about an idea, and Youngblood became a name for young people to wrap around and go this is where I belong and this is what I want to wear, this is what I want to say, this is what I want to talk about, and then again, the pandemic, people felt voiceless, so all it was about, is me providing a space where kids can meet mates in lines, and then when Youngblood leaves town, they're together, and then it's like the pandemic, well let's do this but online, so you can talk every day, and do a zoom with mates every day, like oh I'm in my bedroom, I don't know, kids were doing joint rolling parties where they were smoking weed out of the bedrooms in the thing, or painting, or I don't know, clothing design, or sending each other stuff, and that was what it was about, and then I think through the pandemic, what started as a subculture, I would say that is, no matter if you like it or not, it is, it's an idea, it's our own little world, got bigger and bigger and bigger and it started to bleed into the mainstream, and that's when it kind of got a bit dark, you know what I mean, because when an idea that is not affiliated with generalised thinking, people start to think it's fake, or people start to question it, or people think it's scary, or people don't get it, or don't know where it's come from, so they believe that it's, you know what I mean, it may not be as it appears. So we're talking those nine months there then really, that ascent you felt, do you think at the same time, in the background people were starting to think, who is this guy, who are these fans, is this just some sort of thing that they're doing?
That was it man, my favourite thing in the world is when people think that this is run out of a boardroom. Can I tell you what's hilarious? There's three idiots out there, and number four is here, it's literally me and three people with iPhones running all over the world going, what the hell can we do to find more people?
And I love that me, I love the conversation, because that's what it's about. I mean it's about the debate, it's about the idea, it's about the fight. I think if I don't have anything to fight against, I don't think I'll be as good. I want to talk to you about your art, I guess.
There's another band that was split to play just before you, suffered the same fate as you at Splendour in the Grass, the DMA's. They're Australian lads, but they're all raised by scousers. I love it man, step up the morphine, I love it, I love when they did believe. But they sing, they can sing in a way that kind of, in vowels, that actually people can relate to from other parts of the world, mostly because their dads are all English. You don't sing the way you sound, not that your accent's polarizing, or isolating, but you do have a, I wouldn't call it American either, but you have a sound that actually is quite universal. Yeah, it's so weird.
For me, it was like I loved the Arctic Monkeys and Eminem simultaneously. The first record is like an accumulation of what was happening in youth culture, Lil Pump, Trippie Redd, and the Arctic Monkeys and Liam Gallagher. So how do I put Liam Gallagher under 808's? And that's that first album, you know what I mean? I remember Mick Jagger Mick Jagger said something sick.
He's like, you play the part until you become it. And it's so funny when people talk about, when music journalists talk about artists or whatever and they have such a misconception that everyone was always like that. You're not telling me that people listen to Lou Reed at 8. If you think that, you're lying. You find these artists and you put their skin on like they put others on before and then parts of it drop off and you are born. And then you play it until you become it. That's a fact from every artist. From the Rolling Stones were listening to old school black blues musicians. And then they put that skin on.
That's domino. Yeah, that's literally it. And I think that's what's cool. I think like with it all.
You can hear the DMAs. You can hear the Vervin in them. You can hear the Oasis in them. You can hear Richard Ashcroft all over that stuff. And I also hear like I hear like INXS ballads in them.
You know what I mean? It's that accumulation of identity that creates something new. And it's you and it's also them. It would be fair to say that a lot of the kids have come up with the same stuff.
How old are you? That was at 24.
So the kids are going to have grown up listening to the same stuff as Youngblood. That's what I'm saying and at the end of the day it's like I am not Youngblood. They are Youngblood.
If they didn't take this and carry this every single day and sing the songs and wear the t-shirts and turn up at the show and tattoo the lyrics and the hearts and the idea I'm just I'm nothing. You know what I mean? That's the one thing I always say about artists. You've got to be so grateful because I don't know. I just know that I tell the truth and I pour my heart out and they respond every day and it's amazing.
They're lining up at the Kingscliff Hotel. They're lining up at Mexico City Airport for it and I think we're all Youngblood now too here in the Desert Rock event.
I love it. Thank you for joining us today. Thank you. I loved that man. That was amazing. |
cracked | 4_tiny_creatures_that_prove_camping_isn_t_worth_it_today_s_topic | Why did you do that?
Bears! You stick all your food in a bag that masks the smell, and if that doesn't work, you stick it in a tree far away from your camp so bears don't bother you. Why do you hate bears? Are you a species racist? A speecist? No, Michael, I don't... I don't know any bears, so I probably don't hate them. Hate feels like a strong word. I just don't want to get eaten by them is my thing, but let's do you now.
The... Shoes? I hang my shoes in a tree so that no bugs crawl in there while we're sleeping. Bugs? Like earwigs and stuff?
Man, I am keeping us safe from bears. Get on my level. Oh, there's no leveling with a Deathstalker.
What's that, Slipknot cover band? It's a Scorpion! And it can fit in your shoe, but it has six kinds of venom, all of which paralyze you. Forever? Forever temporarily so that it can eat your good parts and bounce. Yeah.
What are you going to swat with that? I'm not going to swat anything, Michael.
It's an anti-bear spray to fight bears. I don't... I feel like I made myself pretty clear about the whole bear situation. Oh, you certainly did, bear hater. But a bear is a big lumbering bear.
I mean, we're going to hear one of those coming from a mile away. So we'll have plenty of time to fight it with rackets? This is for golden dart frogs, my friend. A frog? A racket? Michael? Really?
Bears scare easy. A golden dart frog, on the other hand, knows only death and fear.
That guy finds you, he will poison you. And maybe nine other dudes, if he wants to. That's how much poison he's got. Enough to kill ten men. How do you get all that poison? He eats other poisonous things to create a concentrated super poison because there is no god. Surely something that poisonous would be easy to spot, right? I mean, it'd be all purple and red with flairy skin flaps all hissing and whatnot.
No!
He's like an inch long. Max. There could be one in your pocket right now. Or your mouth or ears.
See, you're not going to want to wear ear muffs. These muffs, though. I am going to want to wear them because of the nightmare frog I just learned about, remember? From right now? Right, but if you have ear muffs on, you're not going to hear the shrieking of the bullet ants. Oh, you won't find them there.
They're up in the trees. They like to jump down on you from above and bite you. And every bite feels like you just got shot by a gun, except the bullet was an ant.
You'll probably poop from the pain. Pooping poop is probable.
You're wrong, Michael. You're wrong.
There is a God. There is.
He just hates us. He hates us. He hates us like I hate bears. I hate bears. I hate them.
I do. They're lazy. It's okay. Deep down, I always knew.
And to be honest, we're in way more danger from the human botflies. Please tell me that's not some kind of man-sized fly robot. No, just a regular fly.
Except... Of course except...
Except mosquitoes carry their eggs and they come near you and they drop the egg on you and the egg hatches and the larva comes out and it burrows into your body and eats your brain. My thoughts. Whoa! Ugh.
Thanks for watching our video on YouTube. You should subscribe and give a thumbs up and leave comments. And if you don't know how to do that, then hey, welcome to YouTube. It's great. Check it out. A lot of cat videos. And if you also don't, then just use common sense and like a little bit of critical thinking. If there's a button, it says subscribe. Find it. Click it. Thanks. Are we done?
You stick it in a tree far away from your camp so bears don't bother you. Maybe you hate bears. Are you a species racist? A speecist? No, Michael. I don't... I don't know any bears, so I probably don't hate them. Hate feels like a strong word. I just don't want to get eaten by them is my thing.
But let's do you now. The... Shoes? I hang my shoes in a tree so that no bugs crawl in there while we're sleeping. Bugs? Like earwigs and stuff, man? I am keeping us safe from bears. Get on my level.
Oh. There's no leveling with a deathstalker. What was that? Slipknot cover band? It's a scorpion! And it can fit in your shoe. But it has six kinds of venom, all of which paralyze you. Forever? No. Just temporarily. So that it can eat your good parts and bounce. Yeah.
What are you gonna swat with that? I'm not gonna swat anything, Michael.
It's an anti-bear spray to fight bears. I don't... I feel like I made myself pretty clear about the whole bear situation. Oh, you certainly did. Bear hater. But a bear is a big lumbering bear.
I mean, we're gonna hear one of those coming from a mile away. So we'll have plenty of time to fight it with rackets? This is for golden dart frogs, my friend. A frog, racket, Michael? Really? Bears scare easy. A golden dart frog, on the other hand, knows only death and fear.
That guy finds you, he will poison you. And maybe nine other dudes, if he wants to, that's how much poison he's got. Enough to kill ten men. How do you get all that poison? He eats other poisonous things to create a concentrated super poison.
Because there is no god.
But surely something that poisonous would be easy to spot. Right? I mean, it'd be all purple and red with flarey skin flaps all hissing and whatnot.
No!
He's like an inch long. Max, there could be one in your pocket right now.
Or your mouth or ears. Whatever. You're sleeping, without a racket, like a dead man. No, not these ears, buster. No. See, you're not going to want to wear earmuffs. These muffs, though?
I am going to want to wear them because of the nightmare frog I just learned about. Remember? From right now?
Right, but if you have earmuffs on, you're not going to hear the shrieking of the bullet ants. Oh, you won't find them there.
They're up in the trees. They like to jump down on you from above and bite you. And every bite feels like you just got shot by a gun, except the bullet was an ant.
You'll probably poop from the pain. Pain poop is probable.
You're wrong, Michael. You're wrong.
There is a god. There is.
He just hates us. I hate bears. I hate them.
I do. They're lazy. It's okay. Deep down, I always knew.
But to be honest, we're in way more danger from the human bot flies. Please tell me that's not some kind of man-sized fly robot. No, just a regular fly.
Except... Of course except...
Except mosquitoes carry their eggs and they come near you and they drop the egg on you and the egg hatches and the larva comes out and it burrows into your body and eats your brain! Whoa! Ugh! |
dropout | airplane_jousting_with_richard_branson | Oh hello, thank you for flying on our new fleet of planes by me, Richard Branson. What sets us apart from other airlines? Reach under your seat. What's that? Treasure. Virgin Elite has more treasure per seat than the leading airline.
Check out your window during our flight and you'll see we're in space. This plane can, and will, be making a brief detour to outer space. But where did I go? Look out of your window again and there I am, setting the world record for longest wig suit flight from suborbital space.
Sorry, Shinnito. I bring the sun out to my family. Our in-flight meal will be prepared by Mario Batali. And if you have food allergies, don't worry. I've cured them, so eat what you want. I do.
May the event of an emergency please hurry to the closest exit and board one of the four emergency planes. Don't worry, they'll be jousting in each of them. I'll be waiting, Sir Richard.
FAA regulations do not allow smoking anywhere in the main cabin. However, feel free to smoke in the billions room.
Branson, you've done it again. Bully plane. Shinnito's power, emergency, watch this. British pop sensation mules playing all their hits live from road 23. That's the first time I've ever picked one of those up. In the event of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device, specifically a jet ski.
All of this information can be found in the seat back pocket in front of you, along with an original Shakespeare manuscript. Go on, keep it. It's yours. Also, a deed to seven acres of New Zealand, three Dirty Martinis, an Italian Greyhound and finally a compact disc featuring music from some Virgin Records recording artists. Nah, it's more treasure.
So sit back and enjoy a wonderful flight. In fact, I think I'll join you. That's right, I'll be flying your plane today and don't worry, I'll have a co-pilot. She's my cockspit, get it? |
cracked | young_chris_farley_cheered_on_the_ghostbusters_during_an_oprah_taping | The cast was on a full press tour, from The Tonight Show to Oprah. As far as we know, it's the only episode in the show's history in which Oprah shoves her hand into a bucket of psycho-magna-thermic slime. But what's most fascinating about this particular show is the audience. Specifically, one audience member who appears to be a young, pre-Saturday Night Live, Chris Farley. You can see him briefly when the camera pans across the crowd. He's the one cheering excessively for Sigourney Weaver's Oscar nominations.
There's never been any official confirmation of this, but with the timing and location, it certainly makes sense. I mean, Oprah taped her show in Chicago and Farley was also in Chicago in 1989. He was promoted to the Second City's main stage that year, where, perhaps not coincidentally, he performed with Murray's brother, Joel. Fast forward to 1995. Reportedly, Farley was the one who inspired Dan Aykroyd to revisit the Ghostbusters franchise after they worked together on Tommy Boy. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_5 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. We're here in sunny Fort Lee, New Jersey, and I'm Claude Barker with me as always, Jerome Bettis. The turtles have just entered the final quarter of the race, which in many ways is like the final quarter of a football game. The crowd's electric, the stakes are high. This is bullsh**, I can't do it. It's a turtle race.
We appreciate the effort. Let's check out the cloud cam for an aerial view. That's a waste of 15 grand. Well, it's hard to disagree.
This race is shaping up to be a real barn burner. As expected, our three front runners are faring very well, with Jimmy in the lead, Olivia on his tail, and Chris in third place. With Olivia gaining ground, Jimmy must be feeling some pressure.
Feel the pressure, son. Hold on, motherf**king pressure.
Wow. Jerome, did you just see that? Olivia's turtle just made a move. Unbelievable. Let's take a look at this in super slow-mo. She's positioning herself. Holy moly, what a Hail Mary play. That fearlessness. That is the mark of a real champion. We're going to speak with Olivia's father now, who's standing by live, Mr. Mutant Fawn. Incredible. You must be glowing after that last move. Oh, we are so excited.
And I can tell from over here, Olivia is too. She's sweating profusely, more than usual, and really stinking up the place. And she's...
What the... Oh, Jerome, we predicted it and it came true. There she is, turtle activist, Margaret Valentine. Margaret Valentine, why didn't you go home? If you're just joining us on the radio, it's unbelievable. It appears that with Margaret is a group of interpretive dancers, and they are portraying humanity's crimes against turtles. Oh, now this is getting good.
If you pick a turtle, does it not bleed? She was at the turtle fair last year twice. It doesn't tickle a turtle!
Does it not... What? I'd imagine not. If you're wrong, a turtle will it not...
Revenge. We got it. Go away. Hey, where's she going? She's giving up just like that.
Back on the field, Jimmy's turtle has jumped out to a big lead. Oh, no, wait a minute. Jerome, look at that. Jimmy's turtle has suddenly flipped on its back and... Oh, my. It looks like Jimmy has been using a remote control to operate some sort of unholy, turtle-robot hybrid. That little bitch.
You disqualified us? You didn't disqualify us? Nobody disqualified!
Come on over. Oh, no, hold me back. Come on, ref. You and I aren't done with this. I'll see you in hell, ref. Two blows from the ref can only mean one thing. That's right, Jerome. Immediate disqualification. Shocking turn of events here in the final moments. Oh, we have to cut to commercial, but we'll be back with a thrilling conclusion of the race.
Every year, thousands of turtles die for totally fucked up reasons. |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_guy_s_still_selling_cursed_magic_items_and_getting_away_with_it_ | Welcome back to Hornos Hold, now if you're just now joining us we have a fantastic line up of magical trinkets and marvelous items all at prices that simply cannot be beat. And remember folks, if you order Flesidio's Wand of Limp-ness now, we will throw in a Cyclops Sleep Mask and an Abracadabra-cus all for the low low price of $2.50 or a Witch's Egg. This is Chekhov's gun, not sure who Chekhov is, maybe he's a wizard, couldn't tell you. Looks cool, not sure if it does anything special or if it's important, but it's $3.30 and it's loaded. Anyway, this is the Ring of Mime Control. At only $1.20 when wielded, this ring creates an invisible box around any mime from which they can never truly escape.
This is fun at parties, fun at funerals too. Okay, what's next? Oh, this is the Bell of Balthasar? No wait, no, this is the Ball of Balthasar, this is actually an arcane focus from before the dark times of the Great Thaumaclysm, so you know this baby's preloaded with all sorts of spells long since banned by the Round Council. We're talking spells like Human Trebuchet, Decapistrate, Garber's Ball of 30 Spiders, Fine Xylophone, and Power Word Peel. Now that could be yours for $10.30 or the map that leads to the rest of this map. Alright let's see, okay.
This is the Seed Sack of Raminizad, Gardener of Fiends. Simply plant one of its wicked little seeds in the grave dirt of an enemy, water it with the urine of an acquaintance, and in three days time, you'll have a fully grown skittering screecher. Then if you pluck the correct one of its two identical fruit-like appendages, it will forever serve you till your end of days. However, if you choose poorly, it will destroy your crops, flay your legs, and eat your shoes. Now this could be yours for $50 a seed or the tiny rain boots of a talking frog.
Folks, I know you're gonna go nuts for this one. This is the Summoning Horn of the Wild Knight. Simply blow into this horn under the full moon and you will be beset by dreams of racist snakes and awaken to violent bouts of diarrhea. It will certainly be a wild night.
This goes for, I mean, I'll pay you to take this one folks. Moving on.
This is the Eye of Object Impermanence. Now this thing is crazy powerful folks, and it works from the moment you look at it. Now I don't know what the name means, but this thing is probably the most expensive item I've ever invested in. That's why I keep it in this neat little bag.
Oh, oh no. It's gone. It's gone. Great. Now I just got this stupid empty bag. It's worth nothing. Okay, let's just move on.
To do so, simply lift the lid. I'm gay. Um, wow. So this is actually the Jar of Lies and it just makes up lies out of thin air. It is not for sale. Moving on. Lastly, we have Lothario's Lidless Bottle. I wonder who put a cork in it. Neil, how am I going to demonstrate the, come on, it won't open, hold on.
Folks, you're going to love this. At $6.50, we've got this book of baby names from the nine hells. For instance, ooh, Aiden. |
dropout | if_you_competed_in_the_olympics | Hello and welcome back to Rio de Janeiro and the 2016 Summer Olympics.
We've seen people at the very peak of human physical ability and there's plenty more action to come. Up next, Siobhan Thompson. She's a little old to be in this competition, isn't she? Yes. Many competitors are 10 or 15 years younger than she is and in better shape than she's ever been. You know what they say, with age comes experience.
Now remember, Siobhan is not an Olympian super-human. She's an average person just like you.
Off to a strong start here. It looks like she's writing and then slightly rewording the same tweet over and over again. Look at that concentration, that precision. You can tell that this is something that she has spent hours doing. Well, it's paying off now. I bet the other athletes wish they'd been doing this instead of turning their bodies into muscle-bound fuck machines. Oh, she's now moving on to a particularly difficult part of her routine. Incredible! She's binge-watching the second season of Daredevil even though she heard it was just okay. Really, a testament to the awesome power of the human person here.
She had trouble with this move in the past. During warm-ups, she couldn't make it past the first season of the Leftovers. Well, that is very difficult. Excellent dismount time. She barely grunted when she got up from that couch.
And it looks like she's checking to see how that earlier tweet is doing. Such commitment. You can really see how the precious limited moments of her life have been spent. Well, now this is surprising. She's going to attempt the very difficult Teach Yourself guitar. This is a much more valuable use of time than anything she's shown us before.
That's a costly mistake. I don't know if you caught that at home.
Siobhan gave up guitar because the strings hurt her fingers too much. That's the kind of pathetic weak-ass shit that's going to haunt her at the judges' table and throughout her entire life.
She'll have to work hard to overtake the competition now, which, remember, are 20-year-old demigods who regularly fly to other countries to perform feats of strength. I mean, some of them are 50.
Looks like she's sleeping in. She's justifying it by saying she's had a long week. And now she's going out for drinks for the fourth night in a row. This is just incredible. This one move is a waste of both the night and the following morning. She's going to feel behind always.
Zach, this is what the Olympics are all about. What an inspiration. Now let's see what the judges think. Wow, one point. You can see Siobhan is happy. She can use this small sliver of partial success to sustain her for the next 10 years.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_8 | Last time, on Street Fighter, the later years... Oh, but no. He needed someone to steal my identity. If you do not help your friends, this may be their final fight. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first battle of the Street Fighter Tournament?
Ready? Fight! What are you doing? Is this what we talked about? People pay for a fight. You okay? Come on! Would you? Blanca, win! Your tears will make a good conductor. What's going on?
Chun Lee! Who is this? Hadouken anymore. It's more like a... Hadouken. Hey, Ryu, what the fuck was that? That's not Ryu.
That's E. Honda. That's ridiculous. E. Honda's dead.
In fact, he's posing as Ryu. He came here to kill us. Blanca's the guy from Vega 2. They're working for Capcom. You have to believe me. He's crazy. We used to fight with honor, Honda. Ryu, do you smell? You already had to look all alike. |
TheOnion | NHL_Star_Called_Up_To_Big_Leagues_To_Play_For_NFL | Up next it's the sort of story that makes us all feel good a case of the little guy getting a shot at the big Leagues earlier today star winger for the Washington Capitals Alexander Ovechkin was called up to the NFL's Miami Dolphins Joining us now to talk about it is senior NFL correspondent Reggie Greengrass Reggie when Ovechkin started out in the NHL Do you think he ever dreamed he'd be able to play sports professionally one day Well, it had to be his dream Michael But so few ever actually make it hockey is challenging you're going up against a team full of players that all want to make it To the NFL or anywhere else just as bad as you do How do you think Ovechkin will handle playing in front of a crowd Reggie? It's a huge difference Michael There's the cheering knowing that there's actually fans who are depending on you It's not just mom and dad anymore that could be intimidating, but at least now. He's making a paycheck right yes His family should be pretty excited. Okay. We have some footage Reggie, and are we looking at Ovechkin here I think so Michael well.
What's he doing here?
He's He's skating and he is moving the the puck around My wife tells me that skating is a great cardio workout. She's got a pair of those rollerblades He looks like he's really giving 110% out there I guess that's the kind of give-it-all spirit that caught the NFL's eye. He's actually quite a spark plug I wouldn't be surprised if he gives some of the trained athletes a run for their money Well, we'll be watching the NFL closely to see if that happens Thanks for joining us Reggie Greengrass covering all things sports and hockey too Thank You Reggie coming up next police say they hope to pull out of Detroit, Michigan by the year 2012 I'll closely to see if that happens Thanks for joining us Reggie Greengrass covering all things sports and hockey too Thank You Reggie coming up next police say they hope to pull out of Detroit, Michigan by the year 2012 Thank you for watching! |
cracked | coolest_space_news_no_one_is_reporting | Hey, Cody. Oh, hey, I'm glad you're looking to the heavens because there's a lot going on in space Oh, yeah, everybody's hung up on politics and all the other crazy things going on on this planet Space is super interesting right now and nobody's talking about it. Let's let's do it.
So there's this probe called Osiris Rex It's a probe that we sent to an asteroid It's gonna land on the asteroid it's gonna land on the asteroid It's gonna collect samples from it and that's gonna bring them back and you think okay probe going to space and check out an asteroid It's really cool. But also part of the mission is that the probe is going to redirect the asteroids path because the asteroid might be headed toward earth Like Armageddon? Like Armageddon Like exactly like Armageddon, but that's not the lead story you're getting about it So like the headline they could have gone with is like Armageddon the movie is real But they went with like robot to collect rocks. The probe is supposed to come back not just at some time It's coming back September 24th 2023 at 9 a.m.
I guess that'll be the middle of Trump's third term Yeah, it's better. This didn't need to turn into a Trump conversation. That's what that's what we do in America We just go to Trump with our head. Let's bring it back to now.
I want to talk about Proxima B Oh, it sounds close. It is 4.2 light years away. That sounds less close It turns out it has a planet that could be earth-like that's like that's news We know there are thousands and thousands and thousands and millions of stars and we assume that there are Billions and billions of planets in all of those things So we're slowly finding all of these planets and finding that a lot of them are earth-like It's very cool that we found one of those at the star that is closest to us and this one's right here It's four years away.
Yeah, if you're late, you know, like if you're not late, it's like 100 years away. Yeah, I got that kind of time. He doesn't these days With all the politics. Yeah, it's back.
Okay, we're gonna hold it together SETI the search for extraterrestrial intelligence. Yes, the Russians found a signal and then a year later they started telling people about it and the signal could be aliens the Trick is to get like a repeat signal because then it's probably made by a being that's thinking about it And then it means it's aliens, right? Which is the logical thing you do You wouldn't just say like look at me once. Well, you don't want to see me be right But I mean if you think that you only things the galaxy like that loneliness can get to you I feel like they didn't address enough the fact that Russia knew about this a year ago I get you know the political climate and like you don't miss we want to share information with everybody all the time But we're in this together in terms of this particular subject like space stuff and aliens Right all of that This is it we're all just in it together because a year ago They got this they could have told somebody and maybe now a year later Yeah, we would have detected another one or at least Deciphered within the signal that there's like a bunch of aliens going like thumbs up like an ASCII sort of like Message or like email it to us and go ahead and be passive-aggressive about it like get your insults, right? Like here's the signal you pigs of capitalism. Yeah, that is photoshopped Rago like noogie and rocky or something. It's fine I just want to know about the signal.
So there's a galaxy made out of dark matter It's ninety nine point nine percent dark matter according to the story I read and that's very confusing because we don't totally know what dark matter is or how to even see it But how do we know that when we don't know what dark matter is? So it's about the size of the Milky Way, which is where we live very big But it gives off one percent as much light despite having so much stuff because it's all dark matter They call it dark matter because it literally it doesn't give off light. What if I mean, this is just a regular galaxy But they've all learned to harness its energy So they're like it's all Dyson spheres around everything Dyson sphere is you build it around a star and then just all the stars energy gets sucked into your sphere and then you get To use it for whatever.
Yeah, maybe they did that that would be awesome. This is the thing I know a lot of these space stories are sort of arcane They're sort of technical but also I feel like the news would be more enjoyable if it was like part politics and part Just this epic interstellar stuff There's no way to really talk about these sort of things in an exciting way that makes people that don't know what they mean Excited especially because even the scientists are still figuring out a lot of them, right? It's still like a very dry kind of confusing story Even if you know what it's talking about all the space news should get trailers like movies I feel like we spend a lot of time on other sources of wonder Yeah comic book movies right or music or hey look at this the cat fell down and then he got it Spend a little time on hey this telescope spotted a realm of aliens Maybe this telescope found a realm of aliens, maybe like that's a headline click on that's really cool Even with the maybe even with the maybe few. I mean not super sure it's not a clean headline Thank you so much for watching in the comments, please share any space news that you know about it can be like a fun hangout Yeah, something happens in space every single second.
So tell us what your favorite second is It's this one. Oh |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Warcraft_Sequel_Lets_You_Play_A_Character_Playing_Warcraft | Video game players celebrated this week as a hotly anticipated sequel to the popular online video game World of Warcraft hit the shelves. Onion News Network Tech Trends has the story. World of Warcraft, it has nine million players worldwide, many who say they spend hundreds of hours playing the game every week. Here at the Blizzard Entertainment offices, creators say they couldn't be any more excited about the new expansion pack World of World of Warcraft. Jonathan Parrish is the vice president of Blizzard Entertainment. World of Warcraft allows Warcraft gamers to do what they like to do more than anything else in life, which is play World of Warcraft. Blizzard programmer Chris Boldman demonstrated how the game works.
So here I'm playing as a character named Greg who's playing World of Warcraft as a level three gnome rogue. So I'm going to press my up arrow key and that's going to make him press his up arrow key, which is going to make the character on his screen kind of move forward across the screen. What this game is going to do is put you in the shoes of someone imagining they're in the shoes of an elf, a dwarf, a mage, a troll. The fan response has been great. The game sold over 100,000 copies its first day of release. My avatar is the biggest World of Warcraft fan in the whole world of World of Warcraft world. The game promises to bring a level of realism to video gaming never before seen. Here, I'm going to press alt shift seven, and that's going to make my character start scrolling through the terms of use agreement and the end user license agreement. And it's fun to just play a character who's getting lost in this whole other sort of fantasy world.
The graphics are amazing. They're revolutionary. I mean, when you're staring at the computer screen, you actually believe that you're in a dimly lit basement staring at a computer screen. With each keystroke, you're just like, oh my God, that sounds exactly like the keystrokes that I know from my own personal experience of hitting keys.
Based on the game's big success, Blizzard Entertainment is already looking ahead to their next release plan for fall of 2009. Fans love World of World of Warcraft, and we know they're going to want their characters to be able to play the game as well. So we've already started to work on World of World of Warcraft, the World of Warcraft realm.
For this game, you can customize your own avatar. So my avatar, I made him, he's like 20-something years old. He works at a video game company. He's really good at puzzles. Your character can do anything that a real human playing the World of Warcraft could do. So there's almost like no limits.
The worst thing that can happen in the game is that your avatar's internet connection goes down. Then you have to make your avatar get on the phone with your internet service provider. |
dropout | we_have_to_keep_talking_about_my_problems | Anyway, they say it's totaled. That sucks. That guy's insurance is going to pay for it though, right? I mean, they should, but I just know I'm going to have to go out of pocket on something.
Oh god. It's just the worst. I'm sorry, Grant.
Oh hey, have you guys heard when we're shooting if Donald Trump were a Facebook page? So, I haven't heard anything, but I've been here long enough. We'd have to get the rights to the Great Gatsby. We could cut out the part where you were citing.
Yeah, front end damage, pretty nuts. Did you get hurt? No, I wasn't even in the car, but still.
Okay, I mean, yeah, that's too bad. It is. Yeah.
So, with the Trump sketch, if I showed you a picture of Trump, would you know who he was had I not told you who he was?
Hey. What? You're all moving on with the conversation. Yes. Well, what about my thing? What? Your car accident? We've moved past it. Sure, but it's all I can think about, so how can you expect me to talk about anything else? Do you have anything else you want to say about it? Yes. What?
Well, it's bad. Okay, we know that, though. Grant, I'm sorry, but we're just not as focused on it as you are, you know? So, now filming the Trump thing. This is ridiculous. Something inconvenient happened to me. No, we get that, Grant. We heard it, but now we're moving on to the Trump sketch. Let me start at the beginning. I was parked on a hill, and this guy's coming down. Grant, I am so sorry that that happened to you, but we cannot listen to this again.
You're acting like a bunch of sociopaths. Oh my gosh, no, no, no, no, we're not. We're not.
We've listened to you, and now we're moving on. Why, though? Because we're separate people. You understand that, right?
Grant, look at me. Grant? Look at other people. My car is totaled! Oh, Grant, Grant, Grant, baby.
The world doesn't revolve around you. I mean, it's a vast, expansive, horrible, if you were filled with wonderful things like other people.
Yeah, they say the front-end damage is going to be more than the price of the car. The engine looked fine, but, you know, who the heck knows what got knocked out of the whack in there?
This is unbelievable. How have we ever talked to Grant before?
I mean, it did get Allie's student loans paid off.
I'm so hard to insure. God. I mean, whatever I get new is going to have to be insured. I don't know if it's worth it.
He's just one of those self-centered conversationalists. They say the engine's fine, but what do you expect? This guy went to acting school. He doesn't even need us here.
If it's the transmission, I mean, then of course it's done. What am I talking about?
The body damage alone is totaled. So I'll take the insurance payment. Need new headlights, of course.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Like... Huh? Our desks do that. It's... Welcome to Hollywood, baby, you know? Oop. That's as high as it goes. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trend_forecasters_on_today_s_most_popular_trends_snl | Advertiser companies are mining online data in order to predict consumer trends. Here to comment are two trend forecasters. Miles, Okay, so you're here to share your data on today's most popular trends. Yes, we are tracking the trends with a big, old, mean computer. the numbers are in, and the trends have been cast. Here is the report. our first category is work Out Trends.
In, not wiping down the equipment. In, hurting your back. In, a full bush in the locker room.
And Out, jogging to Kelly Clarkson. jogging to Kelly Clarkson, you're out. So go to Hell. she has a talk show now. so if she doesn't have time to motivate your juicy ass. you had your chance, you blew it. you got a bad bitch. so mad. Keep it down, Mike. and listen to our next category.
Romance trends. In, kissing with tongue and hands, too. In, cheating. In, sticking your pinky in new places. And out, waiting outside the fitting room. waiting outside the fitting room. Suck junk. while you try out a robber, I'm getting a Wetzels Pretzel school. come out from the curtain and kiss me, or I'll kill you.
Go to bed, bitch. Why do you keep sending things to bed? Because they have to get up early for a flight to hell. that important alert. we have our next category, Sound Trends.
In. Baa! In. ruh-roh. In. ah-hooga. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh, yeah. and out.
Oh. oh, if you're gonna sneeze, just do it, show-off. are you gonna sneeze, or are you gonna orgasm? And don't you dare tell me it passed. you better sneeze, bitch. Oh, oh, oh, go to bed and never wake. What are you talking about? shh. shh. shh. shh. you are beautiful, but you are stupid.
Next up, it's future trends. In. eating pills inside cheese. In. asking someone, would you like any Parmesan? and what's gonna be out in the future?
Well, Michael, the computer has sadly ousted three trends. And you know that they have to die for being out. out. it's fancy derby hat. shake weight.
And, Michael Chase! Yay! Yeah! |
dropout | jake_amir_and_penis_shaped_nipples_ch_comment_show | Welcome to the comment show. A very special comment show because I'm joined by two newcomers to the show. Is it special because we're newcomers or is it special because we're cool? These questions, I believe these questions in this very special episode are all specifically for you guys, for Jake come here.
Are these color-coded? Get your hands off the card. You're like a kid. Just as a punishment Jake's gonna pick the first question. Blue.
Rick Brody writes, if you had an unlimited production budget, what Jake and Amir episode would you make? When we first started these videos in New York and we were just using our own cameras, we had an idea where Amir gets hit by a camera.
Yeah, yeah. Which I don't think like isn't even that funny. What about me crashing a Dane Cook show at MSG? That way it's like we paid 15,000 extras to be in our show. And Dane Cook. I guess with an unlimited budget we can get any actor we wanted. That's what I was thinking too. Right. I know we would both choose one, two, three.
Sylvester Stallone. Tilda Swinton and Sylvester Stallone.
And we aren't even at the desk. We just write a Jake and Amir script for them to perform. We pay them to fuck at the end. Don't do it for infinite money. You said unlimited budget. We make a porn with Sylvester Stallone and Tilda fucking Swinton. We gotta keep moving, I'm sorry. Come here, it's your turn. God help us.
Dylan Semantella McAllister writes, how long have Jake and Amir known each other? Eight years. I started interning at College Humor in September of 2006. Were you there when Pat visited for the first time when we took him to lunch? I was very threatened by Pat. I was the only editorial intern at that time and I was like helping write articles but everybody in the office was a huge fan of your articles.
I remember Pat made a joke and everyone laughed. You're like that's not that funny. What did he say? And then you you made him like reiterate his jokes. Why is that funny?
Yeah. Why is that good? Do you remember where we ate? Spaghetti Western. That's true. Wow. You were threatened and now look, I had to practically beg you to do my comment show. Don't worry. Everything's ended up exactly the way I wanted it.
Jackson Vacker asks, how would you explain to a young child where babies come from? Your father's a gynecologist. Yeah. Did he ever tell you how babies were made? Yeah, well he like opened up one of his medical school books and he showed me the cervix, the vulva, my urethra. This is when you were a year and a half. 21. How would you explain to a baby? My kid was like, where do babies come from? I came out of your mom's stomach.
Like somebody else's kid, I don't give a shit about it. Wait, why that?
You ate out something so hard to get pregnant? Yeah, it's not good. It's hard. How hard do you do it?
Anyway, here's a nickel. We'll get some candy.
Patrick Curtain writes, bros, do you even lift? Oh. Shit, you can beat me. I've never won or lost at an arm resloom act. It's three hours later. Whoa. You got it. Is that true? You loser. So yeah, I lived. Does that answer your question? I can't believe that happened. Left it. You lost.
No time.
Amir, question. Samuel Fielder writes, name checks out. Have you guys ever not released a video for any reason after filming? That's a good question. Yeah, and we have. I think it was early on and we used to make videos that weren't very good and we used to not like them sometimes and we used to just not release them. Sometimes we would put them up even though we didn't like them. I had no idea if this was going to be okay. Right. And? It didn't matter. Most of the time they all do just you know, find some people like them, some people don't. Every video is somebody's favorite and somebody's least favorite. Nick Draper, coincidentally enough, we were just talking about a Draper. Yeah. Are any distinct decisions made to change the onscreen Amir's personality or does it evolve naturally?
That's a good question. Very nuanced question. These questions are good. They're doing a good job.
I don't think it's been a conscious decision, but the character has changed. How so? At first he was more like quiet and needy. And now what we find funnier is just what's the worst thing somebody can do? It's like an original mirror plus self confidence is actually, he just needs self confidence and he got it. It was just worse. Jake, Jake character. We've given Jake his own insecurities. So yeah, he gets to have more fun.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's true.
Like Jake thinks he's cool with like women and style and fashion. And sometimes we'll do episodes that revolve around that Ezra shot writes. Does Jake and Amir have a moral? They all have a moral because it's basically like, don't be like me. When we think something is dumb, we just have my character do it. Everybody was going insane over like the Instagram, like privacy thing. Yeah, they're gonna sell our photos. We made Amir's character obsessed with that.
Right. And we just sort of our way of like poking fun at dumb people. Right.
It's sort of nihilistic because Amir is such a horrible person. And yet he's really never punished for it. This story is not over yet. So Amir, I think week to week is still like miserable and trying to change himself in weird ways.
He's sort of like winning. But like, I think that you're, I'm blissfully determined. I'm blissfully ignorant.
Dylan Morris writes, would you rather have a nipple sized penis or a penis sized nipples? Penis sized nipples and then I would shave them off.
I think I agree. It's like a silver dollar. Well, you already have a nipple sized penis. Oh, not true. Let me see it. I'm more concerned by the shape at that point of the size. Yeah, it's like a flattened disc. Jake, you're up.
Christian Hibbert writes, what was the biggest fight you two got into like with each other? If it's too personal, move on to the second biggest, etc. We've had like disagreements, but never like fights.
Yeah. The only thing we'll ever disagree about is like if an idea or a line of dialogue is funny or something. And if I say it's funny and Amir says he doesn't think it's that funny. And I say, one more time. It's really funny. He's like, it's not that funny. And then I'll stop. If I said a third time that I really thought it was funny, he would probably let me keep it in.
So it's really just like the ebb and the flow of like, who is the most adamant. Is there an episode idea that one of you like really, really wants to do? It's kind of like on your wish list. But the other one is just not feeling. I think we both have to feel an episode. It's hard to like write an episode with the other person's not into it.
It's like sex. Yeah. And then we we fucked before. Right. And after. We're constantly in coitus. Right.
What is your favorite? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I used to like Raphael. What is his? I liked it. I liked the size. I thought they were just a weapon. But what is this?
He was sort of like sarcastic and angsty. Cool, but rude.
Yeah, he's pretty dope. Just written by like a lot being dude that doesn't really speak English. He does machines.
Great.
That's in the theme song. Now I do machines. This is a cool one. It's kind of mustard green. Yeah, I like that too. I like this color a lot. It's very retro. Yeah, it's like, it's like a 70s chic.
I would choose Donatello. He's the smart one, right? It's actually really cool. Can I see it? Oh, so Garrett Murphy asks, what's your drug of choice?
This is not like 21 and over, but it's definitely 17. It's NC 17.
Alcohol. Yeah, I like whiskey.
No, no, that's a little dupes. It depends on what your definition of toke is. I will give you $10. You can tell which president you're doing. Ross Perot. On the record, you multiply one of those pussies forever.
Did you say alcohol? No, I said chicks. Oh, because chicks are a drug to me.
And every night I want to get someone because he can't handle them, dude. Yeah, but when I do get him, it's like all night. I'm going high on it.
Or do you just lose your privilege? Adam Bluchezny writes, which celebrity do you think could replace each other in a pinch? You know, kind of looks like a handsome version of you. I forget his asshole.
I know. I haven't. I know. I think I know you're gonna say who Simon Baker.
Oh, the mentalist. The mentalist.
I think you guys this resemblance. I've gotten that one before. I'll tell you who. It's this guy right here. Robert Buckley.
Handsome Jake. She doesn't have any of my features. Yes, he does. I don't smile like that. This, this looks like Jake, doesn't he? If Jake went into a handsome trans-mortifier or something and came out like that, you'd be like, Oh, that machine works. I think that even in a handsome thing, Jake could not wind up looking like this.
Well, maybe if you went in twice. Give me the phone. Next question.
Seth Paydar writes, what does Amir smell like? Oh, so I guess we got to smell you. Don't fucking touch me. And just for the thing, though, not really. What do you smell like? My hair product has a distinct smell. It's kind of like honey wax. It's fucking shit, dude. Yeah, that's what you smell like.
Yeah. Joey B writes, what is the best slash worst thing about living with each other? The best thing is that we are never alone. It's never lonely. And that's probably also the worst thing. Yeah, we're never alone. Oh, yeah. Cuz you want to have some alone time always. Two sides of the same coin. And he's just always there.
How do chores break down? Jake's like, anally clean, like he'll like wipe stuff down and put stuff away. He basically leaves nothing out. He likes every surface to be.
I'm kind of the same way, like not. You're not. I assure you, you're not.
Conversely, is Amir a slob to you? Well, like, Amir leaves stuff out. Like, it's nothing.
He doesn't mind when I put things away. Like, I've lived with other people who would like, who would be messy. And they didn't really like when I cleaned up after them. I don't mind cleaning. I like cleaning. It sounds like an abusive relationship.
Hey, there's one card left. Let's all read it together. That's nice.
For me, was an episode called braces. Mm hmm. Because I had fake braces. But the way we made it was a paperclip with spread out with tinfoil on it and attached to my gums with candy. It's physically uncomfortable. Yeah, I thought I was gonna like puke. What is your most difficult episode to shoot? Maybe tongue.
I just call it blood because I was covered. It's all I can remember. I was just covered in blood, which I'm in that one. Yeah, you are. It wasn't a terribly long shoot, but it was just I was like, remember feeling so disgusting because I was just I was caked in fake blood. What about the day of fired when you were so hungover? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was like physically difficult for me to do. I was like, 30 minutes late to set was in a cab. It was like, stuck in traffic. So I had to get out and run across sprinting so hungover.
Right after we shot all my scenes, I threw up in the street. It was this really sad thing to you. Because you're like, Matt Walton drove me and me and Sam back to the office. The entire way back, they were having like this amazing conversation about acting. He's like, so he was so wise. I was just sitting in the back, just taking all that as soon as we got out of the cars. Wasn't that you puking part of the behind the scenes thing?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that doesn't sound.
So your family drug is alcohol. The one that caused you to be that way. Your favorite drug is women. Yeah, chicks specifically, actually.
Guys, that's it. We're out of questions. That means this episode of the comment show is over.
Thanks for being here. Thanks to everyone who watched. Thanks to everyone who's sending questions.
And you can always go to our college from our Facebook page, where we'll be asking for more questions for future episodes. And who knows, maybe you will have your question read here. Yeah, you can be you can be a Seth Pader or an Adam Bushesny, Garrett Murphy, even on God willing, a Matt Lewis, a Christian Hibber. That's good enough. |
dropout | the_most_disturbing_asmr_video | This is an ASMR video. Sit back and listen closely for a pleasurable, tingling sensation.
Welcome to my hair salon. I'm a hair cutter. It's going to be a very relaxing haircut. I'm going to use my favorite brush and my favorite pair of scissors. I am a robber, and I'm here to rob my hair salon.
So I'd like you to take all the money out of the cash register and put it in my bag. My nice cab.
I'm terrified. I'm thinking of my husband and children. And your dog with all of his fur and heavy breathing.
That's nice to make. Okay, here's all the money. That sounds really nice.
It's the cops. We have you surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
I'm going to take a sip of my coffee now. It's very scary. Very relaxing. Take another step, pig, or I'm going to kill this cunt. Okay, I'm scared. I'm seeing myself.
Just very nice. Very nice. Your tooth is nice. It's really good.
Your hair has taken all of my body. I have a list of demands printed up on some nice heavy stock paper. I want the following members of the Aryan Nation released. The first person on my list, which is a very nice list, is Cletus Finn. The second person on my very nice list.
Please let me go. Okay, I warned you, bitch. So now I want you to get on your knees and put your hands on top of your head. Yeah, now scratch. Now scratch. It feels good on the scalp. Okay, not so fast. Let me go or I'm going to fucking stab you with my favorite pair of scissors.
That's very pleasurable. I think you're doing well now. Shit! Okay, thank you for coming tonight. It's been very relaxing. I'm traumatized.
Click on the links to watch my other videos. If you like the video, please click me to subscribe. It's really nice clicking. |
cracked | 9_adorable_animals_that_ll_eat_you_if_given_the_chance | Ah, nature. The tough but fair single mother to us all. While she may seem strict and even ruthless at times, at least she gives us clear concrete rules that govern our lives. The plant eaters eat the plants, the meat eaters eat the meats, and the omnivores eat the everythings. Simple. Every animal knows the rules, and they know who they can trust.
Sometimes, they even help out the other guys on their team. Like this cute little pig who saves a goat from drowning. And there he is, the hero pig. Or this deer that tries to rescue an injured bird. Adorable. See, he's struggling because he only has hooves. But gosh darn it, he's gonna save his little friend because it's the...
Oh my goodness, he ate a bird. Michael, he ate a bird. He ate that bird.
Well, that deer was confused. He thought his buddy was grasping, I bet. Deer don't just wander around eating their friend. Oh, oh, come on! Is that a rabbit? We had an agreement. Okay, well, make a mental note. Deer can eat you. Fortunately, there are still heaps of docile animals out there that just want to be friends with you.
No! No, no, no! Oh, you stupid cow.
Who taught you that? Who taught you to do that? Is this a thing? Is this something that farms have to worry about the world over? Nobody just told me?
Is it still chirping? Oh, okay, it stopped. It's definitely dead now. Boy, I did not like that.
Can we just find an animal that plays by the rules, please? Turtles? Oh, that bird trusted you. I guarantee that bird would never pull some shit like that. See, there's a code among birds. They don't just swap. The flash of pelican attacks of pigeons. Oh my God. Okay, uh, rabbits? Squirrels? This is awesome. Fucking ponies?
He's not getting grain. Maybe he's not getting enough nutrients. There he goes. He just picked up that bird and put it in his mouth and swallowed it. Well, this has been unpleasant.
And 100% intentional. Sorry for tricking you and making you watch all those animals die. It turns out that just about every animal, even the herbivores, are also opportunistic carnivores. They don't usually eat meat, but if luck happens to lay it out in front of them, they're not going to turn it down. The reason all those grazing, passive animals you see in documentaries spend all that time just chewing on grass isn't because they like the taste. It's because they're too slow and lumbering and lack the weapons to eat what they really want, which is each other. That's the real nature.
All it takes is one good opening and BAM! The animal you trusted your entire life just stole your baby. Particularly if you're a goose. You got one of the babies! Oh my God!
In fact, a biologist in Michigan did a study where he left fresh kill in the woods with trail cameras pointed at it and found that the deer and elk were always the first ones on the scene stripping the meat off the bones. So the next time you're in the wilderness and you can't believe how close you can get to a wild deer, remember, that wild deer is thinking the exact same thing about you.
Roll sound. Roll cameras. Action!
Hey guys, thanks for watching the video you presumably watched unless you just skipped the end to watch the end plates like I do because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watched the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. Alright, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates. |
dropout | the_social_music_experiment_experiment_3_can_music_settle_a_fight | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
Today's question, can music settle a fight? Which is important to me right now because I'm kind of in the middle of one. Can you tell by looking at two people which is the unreasonable one? Well... Let's pretend like we're having a difficult one. Let's not pretend. Okay, so let's hypothetically, like, we're mad at each other. Yes. It's not hypothetical. Did you need to check on the meter or anything like that? No, I don't.
I think we're just going to get a ticket. I think we're just going to live with that. We went to meet someone who communicates extremely important messages using music every day.
I'm telling you, Asif, he really misses you. He just dreams and he wants to kiss you.
Apologetic. Telegram. Okay. What did you do?
Yeah, I wrote a song about kissing myself. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a real gorilla? Have you ever helped mediate a rap battle? I personally have not handled rap artists in terms of a dispute.
Do you need a doctorate? Or a license to ill?
Those are interesting suggestions. Which got us thinking. Maybe Asif and I could resolve our conflict through music.
When you rap and you battle at the same time, you take the normal aspect of rap, and then there's the battle aspect, the war, the Sun Zoo, and you combine them together. What would you give me as a rap name? I like pistachios. I'm pistachio nut. What are you? I'm MCR1. Let's rap.
Last Sunday, when you changed your shoes, you just left them in the middle of the hallway. I tripped over them and hurt my knee.
I'm really pissed about that. Now I feel bad. You should feel fucking bad. You're a terrible roommate. You've got to come back with why you're not.
Okay. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm a pretty nice guy.
In fact, I enjoy riding a tandem bicycle and I run over your face, and then you'll be dead. All right, I'm going to stop you right there. He's clearly threatened your life at this point. He's 100% said he's going to murder you.
Go. You've got too much hair to deal with up there. Always leaving toothpaste disclosing in the middle instead of the end. What's that? You ain't my friend. Oh.
Are you serious right now? Is he serious? Do you just walk around like doing this to people?
Can music settle a fight? Hear two angry people. Hear us if. Inside a phone, we sink to boom. Boom go boom. Two angry people not so angry so more? Me no no. Let's hope. Have you ever had a fight over anything, an argument?
Yes. Just yesterday. Every day. What's a common conflict that comes up? Keeping the household clean.
He said I haven't been showing him a good enough time. So he feels unappreciated.
Yeah, that's it. Really? She was talking in my kitchen. What?
So you were having sex on your countertop. Look who he is.
Just a little bit. Just a little bit of sex?
Yes. So I think that over time, we're going to be able to. We're going to play you something that hopefully will help resolve your conflict. Okay, here we go.
It doesn't help. No, it doesn't help.
The researcher's a little off on this one. Okay, I think. Get her off on it. Check this out, check this out. Okay. Do you think that helped? A little bit, yeah. A little bit. Okay, so closer. All right, we're going to try one more on you. This is the big one. Okay?
The feeling trap. I love your movies.
Oh, yeah. I got a big butt and I cannot lie. So would you guys say that that music can solve a conflict? Do you mean if that played like when we were having a conflict? Yes. Oh, yeah, definitely. Absolutely, absolutely. In zone, we're in the conflict. You like the conflict. Yes.
That's really good. The numbers are really working out.
Can you guys hug it out? Yeah, hug it out. Can you hug it out?
Music worked. The research worked. The science is perfect. It's there. I think we found out that music can settle a fine. You're right. With that being said, I have something for you, Reggie. That's awesome.
Thank you.
I'm a genius. |
cracked | why_the_wizard_of_oz_is_worse_than_you_remember_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel, it sure is hard growing up with an apostrophe in your name for like Scantrons and stuff, O'Brien. And welcome to another forgettable episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. The only show on the internet that is called that, I think. When we came up with the show, we didn't have lawyers yet, so we didn't look into things like titles. So someone else could easily own the trademark. Today's thing is, today's thing, I have no idea why it's so important to me to pretend I don't put work into this show.
I'm sure it adds to the charm. Anyway, The Wizard of Oz. Even if you've never watched the 1939 classic The Wizard of Oz, you're probably familiar with its plot and characters.
Dorothy, a lonely Kansas farm girl who counts middle aged farmhands and a dog as her only friends, bumps her head during a tornado and passes out. While sleeping, she has what most of us would consider a traumatizing nightmare in which she...
Oh yeah, we should have a title card. In which she casts herself as an unwitting murderer not once, but twice, three times if you count what she did to fashion by wearing socks with pumps, does that count as a fashion murder? I don't know. I don't see because below this desk, I'm wearing a bathing suit, but it seems like it's probably a fashion crime of some kind.
Her first episode of Manslaughter happens when her house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East. A living, breathing, human-ish person whose death immediately prompts a joyful song about how she's totally dead and burning in hell now. Being bound with witches, then the Witch of the Wicked Witch. Manslaughter number two happens when Dorothy accidentally throws water on the Wicked Witch of the East's sister, the Wicked Witch of the West, because I guess if you have siblings, your Wizard of Oz name is the one adjective you share with your siblings plus the most basic thing that you are, plus your location relative to your brothers and sisters, which I suppose makes me Sweaty Boy West Coast.
Mmm. I have lots of nicknames, and that's not even in the top ten of The Worst. Anyway, water, it turns out, was WWE's only allergy, and she promptly melts, and it's terrifying. Take it from me, old splash mouth. Her death is also greeted with cheers because the only other person who loved her is decomposing under a house in Munchkinland. Sidebar.
I know there was a series of books and a huge musical that humanizes the witches, or Elphaba and Nessa as they came to be known, but no one was thinking about that when they made this movie. They were just like, f*** these witches, because I hate them. I sure hope no one retroactively makes them sympathetic when we're dead, and that's messed up, and we should talk about it, but we won't, because there's another title card coming. Before we get into color and Munchkinland, Dorothy gets upset because her beloved dog, Toto, bites a mean neighbor, Ms. Gulch, and Gulch is like, you gotta kill that f***ing dog, here's a letter from the sheriff that says so. And I agree that the neighbor is awful, and the audience is supposed to agree as well, which is why she is the analog for the main witch in Oz.
But like, you can't have dogs biting people. That's a law we still have. Certainly if my perfect dog bit some jerk and they were like, put it in my basket so I could take it to the sheriff to be destroyed, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, one second, but first, real quick, get f***ed, and then I'd run away, and my dog and I would change our identities, but the law is definitely the law.
Toto bit that woman, and the main reason I bring up Toto is that we spend the whole movie in Oz with Dorothy's adventures, and then she comes back to the real world, and everything's okay because it was just a dream, except the dog stuff, right? Except Ms. Gulch still wants to murder her dog, right? You know, the inciting incident of the movie? That doesn't get resolved just because Dorothy got her f***ing head bashed in. They're still gonna kill that dog. If most of the movie was supposed to be a dream, the only real parts we have are Dorothy's dog bit a woman who owns half the county, and it's an issue. But still, that's not even the biggest problem I have with the movie, and plot twist, this is barely even about what happened in the movie. Joining Dorothy in her imaginary technicolor escape from justice are the three men who work on her family farm, now dressed up like Frees. Her choice to companions are problematic in my book, but I'll get to that in a minute.
The real problem with The Wizard of Oz is that Dorothy's dream was never meant to be a dream at all. When L. Frank Baum wrote The Wizard of Oz, he played it straight, as in, Dorothy really did travel to Oz, and met a scarecrow, lion, and tin man, and those three friends weren't just lazy analogues for the adult men in her life. Magic was real. It was MGM, the studio behind the movie, who looked at the box office numbers behind recent fantasy movies and decided audiences needed their witch and wizard stories grounded in reality.
So they settled on the tired old Alice in Wonderland. It was all a dream ending. Why was this a big deal? In one two minute scene, the studio stripped Dorothy of her entire adventure and turned her into a crazy person. Yeah, she got quite a bump on the head. We kind of thought there for a minute she was going to leave us. But I did leave you, Uncle Henry. That's just the trouble. And I tried to get back for days and days. There, there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream.
Without the dream, Dorothy is Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, and E.T. rolled into one. And she was conceived in print before most Americans had flushing toilets in their homes. Without the dream, she's a real deal witch slaughterer, who traveled on foot across the country that no one in her world had ever seen before. She built a team of fellow adventurers, exposed a fraudulent leader, and liberated two different races of Oz dwellers from bondage. She even survived a heroin overdose.
Here, tin man, help me. Oh, this is terrible.
Turn her whole story into a dream, and we've got problems. For one thing, this teenage girl passes out, wakes up, and blurts out that the three men who work on her aunt and uncle's farm were with her in her dream. And you, and you, and you, and you were there. Not her aunt or her uncle. Just their work hands. So that's a sex dream, right? Ooh, you know the farm hand? Well, I had this crazy dream where I helped get him a heart on, and he loved it. Even if we take the high road and dismiss the obvious, indisputable fact that Dorothy's whole adventure in Oz was a sexual awakening, there are much bigger problems at play with her story becoming a dream sequence.
The first is that everyone in the room laughs at her when she tells them where she went. All I kept saying to everybody was I want to go home, and they sent me home. When she asks, doesn't anybody believe me, her uncle answers, of course we believe you, with the enthusiasm of a wet sock. Doesn't anybody believe me?
Of course we believe you, Dorothy. In the next breath, Dorothy gives up believing her dream was real, cheerfully exclaiming, but anyway, Toto, we're home, and announces I'm not ever going to leave here ever, ever again. Or, you know, that line, but with a reasonably convincing Judy Garland impression, I'm better at guy voices. But anyway, Toto, we're home, and I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again. The book ends with Dorothy landing back home, hugging their aunt and saying I'm so glad to be at home again. The movie ends with Dorothy professing her undying love for her home like her house is a new god that needs her exclamations of loyalty. Now, everyone but our camera operator take a step back and think about who was in those first audiences watching Dorothy except that her death-defying romp through Oz was just a fantasy and being at home is all that matters.
It may have been 1939, but I'm guessing the seats were filled with the same kinds of people who go to family movies today, moms and kids. But these weren't just any moms. In a few short years, the moms and the Oz audiences would be asked to do something that no generation of women had ever done before.
Get out of the house and start working for the good of the country. That's right, it's a feminism and a war thing.
You thought I was just making fun of a perfect movie because I'm weird? Guess what, I am, but I'm also passionate and preachy.
By 1944, there were over 19 million women in American factories, shipyards and offices, presumably riveting everything they could get there more weathered than my current hands-on. But when their husbands and boyfriends and brothers came back from World War II, the ladies were sent home so the vets could have jobs. In other words, they got Dorothy'd. After learning how to build cool stuff and manage the home front while the men were away, women got the message that their adventure was over and home was where they belonged. And one of the first people to give them that message was Dorothy herself. America got one mainstream fantasy heroine through most of the 20th century and some nameless executive not only turned her whole hero's journey into a make-believe story in her head, but they also landed her exactly where she started with no lessons learned other than stay home forever.
Also, and I need to point this out, this is one of my favorite obsessive pop culture disorder observations in a while and I think the obvious reason behind that is that I didn't come up with this one. Christy Harrison wrote this because she watches Wizard of Oz and thinks, have you considered how Studio Executive turns what was a feminist hero story into propaganda to keep women out of the workforce after the war? And I watch Wizard of Oz and think, flying monkeys, I like a flying monkey. If I had one, I'd name it Walter. That's the most I've ever thought about this movie.
Anyway, Christy, what was that? There was a war, you say?
Get right out of town.
Christy should be doing this video instead of me, but she can't because she's busy doing literally the exact same nine to five jobs as me while also raising three children. I'm the guy who gets to say, God, it's exhausting coming up with another OPCD every month. And Christy legitimately emailed me to say, hey, I found some free time and wrote this thing that might work for your show if you need it. Christy is talented and thoughtful and supportive and you should all have a Christy in your life.
Women. Anyway, that's it for this month. Join us next week when our topic will be... Christy said what about me? She thinks she can take my job? Well, guess what, honey? I got, bye. I got news for you.
You are a serpent. You are a duplicitous snake, Christy. Your kids are bullsh** too.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Check out any of the videos to my left, your right, if you want to watch them. Click on that stupid f**king YouTube bell if you want to get notifications when our videos come out.
And you know the rules. In the comments, put what your Wizard of Oz name would be. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_james_coburn_on_how_to_order_a_drink_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, James Covers and the cast of Saturday Night Live! Listen, everybody, it's going to be a fantastic night tonight. Yeah. Jim, before we get started, You coming to party after the show? uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, but, uh. because, um, I'm coming down with a couple of ladies, and we'd like you to order our drinks for us.
Matty, why can't you do that yourself? Because, like, I'm 20 years old, a nigga asked me for my ideas. Embarrassing, man.
Zeddi, they're not going to ask you for your idea if you just walk up to the bar with a little authority. authority? Yes, you walk up to the bar and just order Schlitz Lights. If I don't drink Schlitz Light, let me try it. Okay, here you go.
Thunderbird Light. No. no, no, no, it's got to be more authority, uh, tougher. Thunderbird Light! you can't be overbearing. that's not it? No, a little cooler. just a little cooler. cooler? Thunderbird. straight up. yeah. in the bottle.
Yeah. leave it in the bag, too. I'm going to go outside in front of your place and sip it. then I'm going to sing with my friends and vomit on your steps. And then we're going to come inside and hold you up. we'll be right back. |
TheOnion | Other_Guy_Named_Osama_Bin_Laden_Can_Finally_Relax | The violent death of a human being is terrific news for once. The other person in the world named Osama bin Laden can finally relax. And the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America. It's the week of Osama bin Laden's grisly murder and this is The Onion Review. Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was ambushed and murdered while sitting on the toilet the American people enjoyed imagining this week. In the dramatic and fictional series of events conjured up in every American's head, bin Laden shrieked like a little girl and scrambled to pull up his boxer shorts, right as a Navy SEAL team kicked down the bathroom stall door and blew his fucking head off.
In non-Osama bin Laden is actually finally dead news, an attempt by old college buddies to relive a night from their youth worked perfectly Thursday, as none of the balding paunchy 42-year-olds felt pathetic or embarrassed about what they were attempting to do. The men kicked the night off outside their old dorm room, then went to the campus bar where they ended the evening by drinking cheap beer with students who never once thought of them as depressing, creepy old losers. In sports, the ESPN draft butcher has broken down this year's top running backs into delicious roasts and steaks, and 18,000 fans cheered for a thing going into another thing. In local news, Encino, California webmaster Bobby Yeager has finally decided it's time to take down the photo of Brendan Fraser on the city's homepage. And in other headlines, a Doctor Who fan is mocked by a Game of Thrones fan, Obama finally tells a rambling Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack to shut the fuck up, and a vomiting woman is, quote, sorry. That was the only news we felt physically compelled to recap this week. For more stories, videos, and an update on the 42 plane crash victims who were more likely to have died in a car crash, go to TheOnion.com slash review. |
dropout | True_Facts_About_Grant_Anthony_O_Brien | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
Great. Good.
I want this to happen. Oh yeah. Do you like that bitch? Yes I do. I really do. Please give doggy boy his treat. Yeah? Does the sweet little toilet pig want his yummy, yummy cramp? Yes, mistress.
Well he's gonna good and goddamn get it. Right off the bat, Grant caught syphilis in January of this year. Isn't that right, you rat fuck? That's true.
It's the disease that killed Al Capone. And I've had it twice, because I liked you, Al Capone.
Oh no. Fascinating. Have you had any other STDs? Yes. All of them except the big one. Wow. And herpes, I haven't had herpes. But. But, so you know, I consider the big one to be acne.
Now here, show a naked photo of me. It's field reporter. Thanks. Yes, I'm which is the actual name of one of Grant's childhood friends, except I also spell it with donuts instead of the letter O. Anyhow, before I show the naked photo of Grant, I just want to make sure I have his permission. Grant? Yes, you have my permission. I want you to show it.
Yeah you do, bitch. That's me. But that's fine. I'll do the next one, which is the same line, yeah you big bitch. I'm a big rectangular bitch, who likes it when mommy makes him eat trash.
Okay, well, here it is. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Thanks, compelling stuff. Oh, one more thing real quick, Dom. I just wanted to say that Grant looks like if a cartoon undertaker was cosplaying as Rivers Cuomo. Okay, moving on to more of the exact same thing, here's a copy of Grant's headshot from 2007, which is somehow more embarrassing than that naked photo we just saw. Oh my god.
This is savage. I don't feel comfortable. This is mean.
That's not the one I used though. That was one of the proofs. What? That wasn't the one I used. That was one of the proofs.
Did you get a haircut seconds before showing up with this headshot? I did. I thought that's how I'd keep my hair forever because I like the way it looks. Did you say get me at my worst angles? If you're getting photos taken, you got to get the haircut a couple of weeks before. That's one for dramatic roles. We go now to a way to- Make my face as angular as you want it to be. Oh no. We go now to a way too big acting choice I made 12 years ago.
No, no. Tell me how you do it. I don't have a color. No, no, no. Hey, that's the one I sleep on. Come on. Okay. You just sort of- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like that? No, like this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh no. What was that? Oh no. It's just my cat. Oh, okay. Holy shit.
Now, here with another true story is another field reporter named after someone from Grant's past. No, no, no, no, no. My name's **** and Grant knows exactly who that is and exactly what he did.
Anyhow, in 2013, Grant was living in Williamsburg at 525 Union Ave apartment 4C. I know a guy named Brennan Lee Mulligan who lived in that same building.
Wow. That's right. That's a matter of fact.
Brennan Lee Mulligan might have lived in this apartment building. Yeah, I'm Dom Thompson with two donuts and this Brennan guy did live in the same building. Brennan lived in the same apartment building. Then maybe you're familiar with this.
He'd recently purchased a large dark green suction cup dildo, something he bought because he wanted to become better at bottoming. One morning, he was using it on himself in a bathroom he shared with three other people he lived with. He was showering and using the dildo to gradually loosen and open up his sphincter muscles. Consider it. When it was finished, he took the dildo and using its added suction cup feature, he stuck it to the wall of the shower. He then finished showering and went to work, leaving the large dark green dildo stuck to the wall. It remained there until one of the roommates went into the shower, saw the dildo wobbling on the wall, screamed, and then inexplicably continued to live with Grant for another two years.
Did I miss anything, Grant? No, just like that. Just that now I bought him like a good little sub and anyone out there wanting to get a better, wanting to get better at taking a large hog should invest in a similar type of anal training tool.
This has been the longest shoot of my life. I'm sweating so much.
I've never heard Grant say no so much. Oh God. Oh no. Oh no. How could you leave it?
I had just come. That's fair. I was in a state. I was all, you know. I appreciate. Was it, I know this is crazy.
It's obviously the answer is no, but I want to ask, was the dildo cleaned or sanitized in any way? Or did you just hop out of the shower?
He forgot. He sprayed it off. You remember to spray it off and not take it off the wall.
Did you have a detachable shower head? Yeah. I just sort of, well, no, I could angle it. I angle it. Oh no. You gotta soap it. Water's not enough.
Thank God that's it for us here at Breaking News. Special thanks to this week's loser in more ways than one, Mr. Grant Anthony O'Brien. Thanks for watching.
I'm never going to recover. I'll never shower again.
I live with you Grant. And it's not the dildo stuff. It's the acting stuff. The dildo stuff I actually am fine with. The acting stuff is unforgivable. Oh, that was in a sketch comedy group I was in right out of college.
I want to be clear. Grant has a lot to answer for those acting choices. Also, I know this guy didn't ask for it, but whoever shot that, let's get some more headroom on Grant O'Brien, shall we? Cutting off the hair and the chin. A strong cinematographic choice. Look, it was a different time.
We didn't know. We didn't know about things like headroom.
I don't care who you are, get either the hair or the chin in there. I know I'm roasting someone who didn't sign up for this, but Jesus Christ, what's the point?
It didn't go well. That sketch comedy group didn't go well.
Really? Huh. Shock it. Color me surprised.
Uh, we have a couple of good sketches. I'm ripping his ass. Thanks for watching. No one can be surprised at this outcome.
Got to be over. I just have to have this episode be over with very quickly. Are we done? Is that bad?
There's another episode only available on Dropout.tv. Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Brian. |
dropout | drunk_dial_gets_animated | Hey this is Trisha's phone, leave a message. Hey Trisha, this is me, the guy you met at the bar. I know you didn't technically give me your number but I told one of your friends that I was worried about your health and I knew a psychiatrist that could maybe help you out at the slope.
Doesn't this feel like swiggers? You know that scene where like the guy Sue pulls a gun on the other guy and he's like, what's up, house of pain? Here's my question for you. Trisha, will you marry me? I know what you're thinking. No, great. So now I'm going to go one blow. Do you want to have a date with me?
Oh god, Arthur just spilled some of the Carla Rossi. I was letting them just lap up a bowl of red wine and I think he knocked it over right on.
This is my good rug. This is actually not even a rug. This is just foam padding from inside a bus seat that I ripped out. I got a really nice place. I got a flat screen. It's not a TV. From a screen door it's a wire mesh.
I got lamps. Most of them are brooms with lampshades on them. Who needs light when all you do in your apartment is sitting in the bathroom on the shitter while the shower runs and gets nice and steamy.
Sweat it out, shit it out. I feel like a million bucks the next day. It's like old school schvitz. Shits and schvitz.
I never even thought of that. Before I lived there, I think there was like some squatters and stuff like that because there's a lot of fucked up shit spray painted on these walls. This one over here, this plus sign that looks like it's rolling. I don't know. Look Trisha, I don't know how to say this, but I eat really good pussy.
I could keep the wolf mask on. You could wear the wolf mask.
Whatever you need to climax. You are gorgeous beauty just standing there in the middle of the dance floor checking your phone. You were like, I think you should leave me alone. Your breath smells. I was like, this girl's playing. I get it. All right. You want to do some Gerard Butler, Catherine Heigl shit. Girl, you know it's true.
Look, I don't even have feelings for my ex girlfriend, Emily anymore, right? I got that picture blown up to remind me every day that I'm over her. The hole in the sheetrock right around her mouth and crotch area. Those are over her holes. I am over Emily.
It's all about you now. Trisha? Yeah. Now. |
dropout | fomo_horror_movie_trailer_with_anna_camp | Yeah, I've been hearing about lots of crazy things happening tonight. Things you don't forget. Things people be talking about for weeks. Dana, what is it?
It's nobody. Everyone must be hanging out somewhere else. Guess you're missing out. Randy Talbert's parents are letting him have a party and they're about to play the land. Everyone's tweeting about it. I wish I didn't have to work tonight. It's Julie's sorority thing. Everyone's posting about it.
Weren't you invited? Well, no. She said it was a small thing. Oh my God. Even Tom was invited. Tom with a skin thing. Hi, I'm looking for Holly. Holly's not been here since about an hour ago when she left to go to the movie. That's impossible. We were supposed to go together.
Four Square says people are hanging out at McSwiggan's Ale House and TGI Friday's. I have to choose. What are you gonna do? I'll just stop by one and then I'll head to the other. These people, they're having so much fun without me. What am I supposed to do about this, Juneau? Juneau!
Come on. Come on!
No!
Hey Dana, it's Mike! Oh my God, come on! Everyone's hanging out. Where are you? Come on, come on, come on. Hey Dana, it's Mike! Oh my God, come on! Everyone's hanging out.
Where are you? You're missing the best night ever.
A goose got into the ball. Wait!
Go to Bonnaroo! I wanna go to Bonnaroo! God, please!
Dana, if you still wanna hang, we're all gonna be at the... Where is everybody hanging out?
If you think that was funny, click on our faces to subscribe to College Humor's YouTube channel. And if you didn't think that was funny... You lost it at the end there, huh? Damn it. It's fine. |
cracked | why_sarcasm_is_necessary_for_civilization_stuff_that_must_have_happened | you killed a lot of guys thank you you too no I mean it I saw you when I had some downtime out in the meadow and you were doing some great killing I mean that one guy with the axe where did he come from yes I can't believe you saw that I was already really tired and then I see this guy scream and charge down the hill and I'm like oh great just what I need yeah for what what well he wanted to kill you seems like that would be the last thing you need why would you want that yeah right sorry it's a thing I'm trying out I don't get it well see I say something but I say it with this inflection that's like a code that I really mean the opposite why I don't know it's cool I guess watch watch jerk jerk isn't that the guy who cut your brother's arm off hey he is well I'll bet you two are off to have a fine time together no I'm going to cross his chest and boil his bones yeah that was confusing I was confused dude yes I could tell you were I was making a joke see because why would he have a great time he won't yeah I know I was saying the opposite but I was saying it like I bet you're off to have a fine time together so you know I mean the opposite of that oh cuz that's not confusing yes exactly Dirk gets it are you sure dick because I still find it very confusing no he said it different he said it like he thinks it really was confusing ah so he is confused right so maybe Dirk doesn't get it oh yeah just because you don't get it means no one else in the valley gets it either now I don't know what's going on okay look try it yourself you try one all right dear I hope that when you light the fire to boil your prisoner you catch on fire and die yep he clearly gets it I did it no no but this guy gets it nice work guy but I meant the opposite oh but you were too specific just sounded weird trust me it's really funny once you get it well I suppose this is the perfect place for comedy all of the killing we need something to lighten the mood I just I wish I understood okay what's something you hate darkness mm-hmm cold the Romans good so you could say oh great the Sun is setting that's perfect or oh I hope it snows again at our next battle I hope this Roman prisoner gets released and gets to spend the rest of his life with this family that would be great I hope that my mate's mother isn't not dead when we return home never she wasn't sickly when we left and I was completely not miserable ha hold on no wait think that checks out actually you did it both are yes I mean no hey gang thanks so much for watching stuff that must have happened if you liked the video don't forget to rate comment subscribe and like and love or don't it's not like we need your comments oh yeah yeah yeah |
dropout | hardly_working_gear_up | What happened? I was coming into work and I saw these thugs breaking into the Nestee delivery van. We need to call the cops. You think the cops are going to help you? This city is a pit of despair.
Team... Gear up! Whoa! Let's do it!
Hold up. I think I brought the wrong shoes. Alright. These punks are going to get what's coming to them. You know what? Maybe we should grab a bite to eat before we head out. I don't want to fight on an empty stomach. Yeah.
Sammies? Sammies.
Great. Come on. Alright, you guys. Let's get moving. It's justice o'clock. Ooh. Um, have you guys, have you guys seen my watch?
I don't know.
Have you guys seen my watch? They smashed in a window. Hurry. Don't worry. We're forced to be reckoned with.
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando. Schwarzenegger wasn't in Commando.
Yes, he was. He totally was.
Oh my god, you're right. He was in that movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. You should watch it. Ooh. Guys, you really think we have time to watch a movie? Yeah, that was awesome.
Hey, why are we wearing all this gear? Did we have something to do?
Um... Ooh. I got nothing. Alright, well then let's take off our gear and get back to our desks. Ooh! Hold that. Nice. Ooh! |
TheOnion | Supreme_Court_Death_Penalty_Is_Totally_Badass | In Washington today the US Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision despite the growing number of death row inmates who've been Exonerated due to DNA evidence the court reaffirmed the legality of the death penalty on the grounds that it is quote totally badass For more on the case we go live now to Onion News Network, Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael Hi Jane. Good to see you Michael. How did the Supreme Court come to their decision on this ruling? Well Michael it began this morning when the lawyers for the petitioner presented to the court a videotaped lethal injection That showed an inmate writhing in pain before dying as the tape played Justice Kennedy said quote whoa Justice Alito remarked quote holy shit and Justice Ginsburg said quote That's wicked and what was the defense counsel's response to that well following the video Chief Justice John Roberts said While evidence presented to the court indicates a degree of fallibility in the procedural methods of capital punishment It is the opinion of this court that the practice remains hella fucking balls-to-the-wall awesome At that point the decision seemed fairly certain was there any dissent to the opinion by the Chief Justice? Actually very little justice Clarence Thomas supported the argument immediately Citing the precedent set by the movie 300 in which the offending parties were quote kicked into a huge fucking pit Justice Samuel Alito then stated yeah, or like judge dread a justice Antonin Scalia Then stated quite loudly quote. I am the law that's the catchphrase from the film judge dread Yes, it is then there followed approximately one minute of all of the justices individually claiming that they were the law the justices I'm told came down with a decision fairly quickly is that correct they certainly did the court also took the rather unusual step Today of submitting not just a written Decision, but also drawings by all of the justices illustrating quote more badass punishments The final ruling was eight to one in favor of the respondent Tell us about the lone dissenting vote sure that one came from Justice Anthony Kennedy He stated that the death penalty is in fact a to lenient a punishment and that sentencing inmates to life without parole Seemed quote way more brutal because it's like they're on some sort of prison colony in the future Where they just have to fight for the rest of their lives some Supreme Court experts are saying that today's ruling is similar to the 2005 ruling in Torchinsky vs Peterson that it is legal to carry a concealed weapon as long as the weapon is totally slick like a huge-ass machine gun That you carry under a trench coat like in the matrix is that right right? That's correct legal experts are already talking about how this clearly marks the trend Towards the Roberts court being less strictly constitutional and more strictly awesome Jane Carmichael Reporting from the Supreme Court for us again.
Thank you Jane. Thank you. Michael Roomba has introduced a fully sentient vacuuming cyborg |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_s_first_weekend_update_saturday_night_live | It's springtime in New York and thousands of tourists are coming to the city here. Now with some tips on the best New York spots to check out is our City Correspondent, Stefan. Hey hey Stefan, uh, are you okay? you seem different. I've had a weird few years, so Stefan, um, you know, families time your families are coming New York, where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?
If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter. Tranny Oakley has gone all out and inside it's just everything. Lights, psychos, furbies, screaming babies and Mozart wigs, sunburn, drifters with soap sud beard.
I'm sorry.
What you know, it's that thing when a hobo becomes a rich man. so they take the big bubble bath. But but now Stefan. Yeah, if people like if a family of normal people, right, we're looking to see some of the classic, New York you know, like Central Park, Statue of Liberty. mm-hmm. would you have any recommendations? Yes, New York's hottest club is Wesh nine-year-old Tokyo Pimp. it's a Yaku-guro is back with an all-new hotspot that answers the question. What? This place has everything. Trance, stilts, throw up music, an albino that looks like Susan powder, Teddy Graham people.
I'm sorry.
What are Teddy Graham people?
It's that thing of like when a guy has the stumpy arms, but with the belly. I? yeah, that's that's definitely not a thing. yeah, it is. No well, I got to remember to wish.
But again, and you're doing great stuff on Thank You. we were talking about again, just regular run-of-the-mill people maybe from the Midwest who were looking to do something with their kids right, Kansas or their grandparents. If they were coming here, Could you recommend someone that would be someplace that would be fun for them? New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you greet at the door by a Rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. You're in the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything: Goss, Carnival Barkers, groups of guys with afros and graduation caps.
Human fire hydrants. What is what is a human fire hydrant?
You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets. I know I'm doing great. Yes, it's important that people know what this is. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have like the red pants and the big ass.
Oh oh, right, that thing. mm-hmm, Stefan, you know, we asked you to come here and tell us about fun, touristy things. we're pretty clear on the phone places people regular people could go on a spring weekend, right? But I have to say the things you describe mm-hmm sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets. Fair. Yeah, that's fair. but you know, it's fine. your heart was in the right place and I really enjoyed having you. |
TheOnion | NASA_Scientists_Plan_To_Approach_Girl_By_2018 | I'm pleased to announce that NASA has entered the planning stages of a mission to approach that cute girl from the laundromat by 2018. Senior project scientists Dr. Adam Thompson and Dr. Carson Harper discovered the girl three months ago at a Houston area sudden save between dryers four and five, giving her the name Thompson Harper number 3499102. Dr. Thompson. Thank you. According to our observations, Thompson Harper becomes visible for 70 to 90 minute intervals every Wednesday night. She masses between 30 and 60 kilograms and her eyes are the color of magnesium-ion silicate. She is attractive and based on observed interactions with laundromat employees, she is not cold or lifeless.
The approach will be implemented in three phases, one, planning which will take an estimated eight years, two, execution which will take four to 12 minutes and three, results which depending on the success of phase two could lead to anything from naked showering together to marriage. The mission will cost an estimated $900 million. A team is in the early stages of development of a joke which we can use to break the ice. It is a casually humorous observation about how socks seem to disappear in the dryer. The advantages of this topic are twofold. It is specific to the laundromat setting and if successful, we can transition to level two, in which we refer to dryers as the black hole for socks. This will allow us to segue seamlessly into talk of space, a topic about which we are extremely comfortable speaking. We also have a dedicated task force developing trendy new clothes for maximum impact upon approach. These projects are on track to be completed by 2015 and when finished will introduce us to a whole new world of lady interaction. We'll now take questions.
Yes. How do you respond to critics who believe the organization is risking another tragedy like the 2002 girl at Borders bookstore disaster? Well none of us want to relive that moment. And we've put in place protocols for this mission that should prevent a similar outcome. For example, should the interaction become compromised to an unsalvageable degree, a propulsion ejection system can be deployed, which will launch our men out of the laundromat and clear of any potentially embarrassing situation. If that occurs, we will move on to our backup plan, using the Hubble Space Telescope to take higher resolution photos of her and then masturbating furiously while hating ourselves for it. Yes. Is this mission connected to the other NASA mission to locate a Mary Scarlett Johansson? No, that mission has been canceled.
It was found to be infeasible and just stupid, really. Stupid.
Okay, thank you all for coming. |
dropout | tiger_woods_voicemail_extended | Hey, it's, uh, Tiger.
I need you to do me a huge favor. Uh, can you please, uh, take your name off your voicemail? My wife went through my phone and, uh, may be calling you. You've got to do this for me.
Huge, quickly. Alright, bye. Oh, uh, also your Facebook photo album with all those pictures of us together. Could you please delete that? Uh, my wife went through your Facebook and, uh, may be poking you. Huge, quickly.
Oh, the baby. The baby we had together.
Can you just, uh, can you put that back in your vagina? You've got to do this for me. Just shove that thing right back up inside you.
Huge, quickly. Okay, I can hear my wife coming up the stairs, so you need to stop riding me reverse cowgirl right now. You look great, but you really need to stop and maybe cover yourself with a sheet. You've got to do this for me. Huge, quickly.
Okay, she's in the room now. She knows that it's you.
The sheet didn't work. Uh, maybe just use that sheet as a rope to climb out the window.
She's gonna try to stop you, but just keep going. Get a car service.
Huge, quickly. Also, could you, uh, could you return Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium to Blockbuster Media? It's, uh, it's two days late and it's under my name, so I'm kinda getting worried about that. Late fees can really add up. You've got to do this for me. Huge, quickly. Alright, bye. Could you return Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium to Blockbuster Media? It's, uh, it's two days late and it's under my name, so I'm kinda getting worried about that. Late fees can really add up. You've got to do this for me. Huge, quickly. Alright, bye. |
cracked | why_disney_princesses_make_the_worst_roommates_disney_parody | Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah.
Thought you were apartment hunting today Ariel. Exactly how long do you think you are going to stay here? Oh, I'm sorry. I promise it's just until I get back on my... What do you call them? Yeah look, I'm real happy that you left Prince Eric. I mean, you really shouldn't move in with the first guy that you meet, but things around here have been a little tense. Oh don't worry, I'll be out of your hair faster than a dinglehopper. Yeah, about that. You really need to stop using my forks as brushes.
Your what says what? Scuttle says- Scuttle? Still?
Well, it's just that he's so wise. When are you gonna start trusting a human being over a seagull when it comes to what utensils are used for? Five days you said she'd be here, Karen. I am handling it, Harry. Five.
What happened? Did it see which take his sense of humor away? Ha ha ha ha.
Boo!
What happened to your hand? Oh, Aya. Touch the stove again? What did I say? I told you to go nowhere near that stove.
But who cares? No big deal. Huge deal!
You are literally playing with fire! Yeah, but why does it, what's the word, burn?
Ariel, you have been on land for over two weeks now. I am sick and tired of you pretending not to know what simple words are. You know what feet are, Ariel? Scuttle has feet. He's had them your whole life. Oh, I really just think you're making a sea mountain out of a sea molehill.
Yeah, on the topic of you suck, if you take one more what's-it out of my room, I will throw you out. I have never stolen anything out of your room. Oh, horseshit, you have never. You have twice as many thingamabobs as you did when you first moved in here. That's not true! I have always had 40!
Shalala with fish. This! This is what I am talking about! I am sick and tired of your pervert fish friends coming over trying to get us to kiss whenever we're alone together. Come on, come on, come on, come on, you have a kisser. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On the back. Ah, come on.
Not cool, man. Look, I think it would be best if you find another place to live. Where? Eric's stuffy old mansion?
Yeah, make it work. I can't. I didn't leave, Eric threw me out. Right after you got your voice back, go figure. I can't go crawling back on my hands or thighs or whatever. Okay, see, when growing up. Karen, you're all I have, okay? I might not be the easiest to live with, but you'd be killing me. Okay, maybe just like a few more days, but that's it. Oh, thank goodness. I don't know what I would have done if you had thrown me out on the, what's that word again?
Street! Push it. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And, action. Subscribe. And you'll succeed, success. Success is subscription. That's what I'm trying to get across here. La, la, la, doo, doo, doo. Let's do some poof stuff, too, too, too. |
SaturdayNightLive | c_span_jimmy_carter_meets_fidel_castro_cold_open_snl | Later on C-span, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2.40 A.m. Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates and stuff like that.
But first, this week, former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. our C-span cameras were there, as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro and an interpreter. on behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country. Thank you. Gracias. As the first U.s. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people, can help open a dialogue between our nations. forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier. when exactly were you President? from 1977 to 1981. when they took the hostages in Iran? Yes, that's right. And when you had the oil shortage? yes. with the rationing and the long lines for gasoline? yes. we have that here, too. uh-huh. people hate it. Yes, yes they do.
Remember stagflation? Yes, yes, sure. isn't that what you're best known for, stagflation? Yes, I get that a lot. Now, in tomorrow's address. you never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation? Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation. Dios Mio. Wow. would it be, uh, nosotros nunca tenemos stagflation? Even we have never had stagflation.
Well, fortunately, it hasn't hit the U.s. since the. well, since the late 1970s. Itambieno aero ant attackarabor un caneo. weren't you also attacked by a rabbit? Yes, yes I was. But if you don't mind, I'm anxious to talk about tomorrow's speech. si por favor puedemos hablar de mi discurso. how does someone get attacked by a rabbit? Well. I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog. a chicken can become quite angry, even a wild pig. But a rabbit, that's crazy. it is quite rare. Attackarabor un caneo. attacked by a rabbit. Wow. you couldn't catch a break, could you? No, not too often. No, no mucho.
Anyway, let's talk about our televised address to the Cuban People. Yes, please, let's do it. it's a live broadcast. I go on first at 7 p.m. and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which runs about 90 minutes, followed by some Sandinista ballet, then comes your speech about five to seven minutes, then more Sandinista ballet, and finally, I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks. All right, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba. that's all right. there are only five Tv sets in the whole country. and two of them don't have sound. so go ahead and knock yourself out.
Well, thank you. that all sounds good now. if you all will excuse me, I really should get some sleep. You're right. tomorrow is an important day. So good night, Jimmy. thank you. But first I leave you with one thought. Live from New York, It's Saturday night! |
cracked | why_every_movie_trailer_is_the_same | 11 specific ways movie trailers look the same. I felt a lot like this before.
I wanna buy you a new car. What have I done? Dammit! Swear jar! The swear jar is all the money we have to send you to college, so you should be happy I curse. Hey! Stop! Put the barrier!
I don't wanna be your... I don't.
He has pneumonia. My mom is making me. It's actually worse.
Everyone was gonna find out sooner or later. One thing you can do if you don't wanna talk to anyone. Life can keep unfolding itself to you just as long as you pay attention to it. There should be no boundary to human endeavor. Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of. Who do the things that no one can imagine.
My husband was a slick operator. I was there a week. I knew the guy was hitting on a girlfriend.
I can't.
My who... Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying at my doorstep? She left me.
It was at this moment that my life came together. Alright. What a bunch of A-holes. Is that music? It's a good choice. Alright. Well played. I think I'm gonna die. This is what a hundred million buys, huh? Hey! Thank you. Let's never do that again. |
SaturdayNightLive | rudy_giuliani_cold_opening_world_series_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, his honor, the Mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani. good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, our beloved Yankees are in the World Series for the second straight year. we hoped for a Subway series. unfortunately, it was not to be. but we should still be proud of our Mets who never gave up. But before tonight's game, I received a phone call from the Mayor of Atlanta, Bill Campbell, and he proposed a little wager on the World Series. He said he'd send me a bushel of Georgia Peaches if the Yankees won, and if the Braves won, I had to send him a box of New York Strip Sticks.
Well, I laughed in his face. I said, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I said, listen up, you thistle-chewing hayseed. betting for peaches might fly with your rubes in your hibbly state, but not with the Mayor of New York City. And he asked what I wanted to bet. I said, i know my Yankees are going to win, and I got $250,000 to back it up. that's right. a cool quarter of a million dollars. He claimed he didn't have that kind of money. I didn't call him a liar. I just said, fine, huckleberry.
If the Braves win, I send you a painting of the Virgin Marys, smeared with fecal matter. And if the Yankees win, I want 50 of your most inbred, redneck Georgia State Troopers to come up here and crack skulls on street vendors and artists. Still, the Mayor said, no. Do you know why he said no? because you're crazy? No. because he knows the Braves suck. they suck hard. they suck with commitment. they suck completely. And then I said, okay, Mayor of Hee Haw Land, if the Yankees win, I'll round up all our vagrants, crazies, whiners, and cabbies, and I'll send them to Atlanta, And then by some fluke, the Braves win, I take your bums. But again, he refused because Mayor Campbell knows that the Yankees are the better team.
Finally, I said, okay, here it is. The Yankees win, We get the severed head of John Rocker on a stick. If the Braves win, I'll dress up like Scarlett O'hara and you can romance me with a plunger. that's when he hung up. because he's terrified of a Yankees. I want all you people to remember how much I believe in the Yankees next year when you're voting for the Senate, because you can bet your sweet ass Hillary doesn't care about the Yankees. we don't need people like that in Congress. Thank you. And Go Yankees! Oh, and one more thing. Live From New York, It's Saturday Night! Yes, yes, yes, Yes! |
dropout | all_24_types_of_males_explained | Not sure what kind of man you are? Relax, bro. Just kick back and watch this list to find out.
Alphas are bold, traditionally masculine figures endowed with raw, sexual confidence. Unlike alphas, betas are kind and docile introverts that prefer deeper, more intimate relationships. Gammas are similar to betas, except every cell in their body has been irradiated by a near constant bombardment of high-energy photons.
Also, they like never get laid. Deltas are open-minded individuals who believe in change. They're comprised mostly from sediment deposits carried in from nearby rivers. There's actually nothing special about epsilons. They're just real shitheads. Zetas are all die-hard Catherine Zeta Jones fans.
Aetas, or ETAs, are the classic gentlemen. They're very punctual, but can't pronounce their H's. Sweet Evans, look at the time! Thetas are identical to Aetas, but have a slight lisp.
How dare you, the? Iodas are very small and insignificant and can be found arguing in the comment section of popular websites. What?
Capas are mischievous, beak-noth-river spirits from Japanese folklore. They like to play tricks on children and are very good listeners.
Lambdas are the only males that can successfully rock a goatee. Oh, this isn't a type. This is just what I call boy cows. And this is what I call boy babies. Zymales are, of course, men who exist solely as a special spherical function on a semi-simple lie group within the field of mathematical harmonic analysis.
Hey, what's up, babe? My name's Chet. Can I buy you a drink or something?
Omicrons are even bigger shitheads than epsilons. They rarely wear sleeves. Pie males are well-rounded, but completely irrational.
Pretty sure the purge movies really happen. Whoa, really? Is that true?
Roamails are so stupid, they actually serve as a physical representation of the concept of density. Sigmas are the summation of all things male and masculine. Honestly, they're pretty big shitheads too. Pie males are shittier than epsilons, but not quite as shitty as an Omicron. Upsilons like to scream at TVs playing sports in public bars. They are the worst.
Pie male is just the way that Australians say the word female. Oh, that's fat income, mate. Pie size are men with strong bonds, a fraternal brotherhood.
Also, they're way less racist than the KAs, two houses down. Woo, less racist!
And finally, omega male is just a genderless honorific given anyone who made it all the way through this stupid video. Oh, thank God it's over. Congratulations.
Hey, I'm Caldwell from College Humor. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe, here to see more videos from our drawing comedy channel Drawfee, and if you'd like to join the debate on whether or not I suck, leave a comment below. Just please click something, anything, so that I don't have to keep animating this. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_should_the_royal_family_be_abolished | The Royal Family is the best reality show on TV entitled Rich People, Weird Family Members, Pretty Little Princesses, VH1 should buy England. Let the British have the Royal Family. It's like Doctor Who or driving on the wrong side of the road. It's important to them and it's not hurting anybody. The great thing about England is anyone can grow up to be king. All you have to do is behead the royal baby and claim the throne as your own. I'm the royal baby and I can suck on a royal duchess's tits all day if I want to. No, I don't think they serve an important purpose. When's the last time the queen was like, this should happen and then it actually happened. We have to care about the Royal Family as much as possible. That's their punishment for having it so good. Insane wealth and special treatment for their entire life. Someone live blogs every time they take a shit. That baby is going to grow up to rule England.
You don't think I can kick its ass? I actually don't.
I think if you lifted the baby, your arms would break. If you lunged at the baby quickly enough, the wind against your face would break your face bones. Last week I saw a gentle breeze pick you up and hurl you against a building.
I don't think we should completely abolish monarchy. Burger President just doesn't have the same ring. I think the queen would be thrilled if the monarchy were abolished.
She'd be like, oh, I'm free. Free. I'm going to wear a bikini outside and watch the Simpsons.
Total fuck faces. The monarchy should totally be abolished. If I'm not allowed to be the Duke of Denny's, why do they get to live in the lap of luxury? The only monarchy we need to abolish is the American monarchy, where the dollar is king and we're all serfs watering capitalism with our blood.
And if you didn't, just keep it to yourself. Cause like, I don't think I can handle that. |
cracked | demolition_man_review_aka_insecure_heterosexual_males | Hello everyone. I'm feeling very anarchical. Is that the term? I don't know. Jordan was in the middle of a sentence like, anyway, and then started the thing without saying like, three, two, one, or like, are you guys ready? You're about to start like literally just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, doink.
And then now we're in the stream. So yeah, usually I get everyone to put their hands in. We say a prayer. We all go ducks. And then the thing starts. We all say quack, quack, quack. Yeah, it's pretty inspiring.
But today got none of that shit because welcome to Cracked Movie Club. Did you see? We were right at about 30 seconds. Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club. But for movies, which are like books, but better.
I am your host, Jordan Breeding. And I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse and Ally. Say hello. Hello.
You know, it depends on who you ask. Be well. But a lot of. Oh, yeah. Here, let's. My wife's calling me on air. You ready? Oh, OK. While your wife talks. Is this absolutely necessary? Let's just, you know, agree each other like we're in demolition, man.
Oh, hey, be well. Oh, be well, babe. Be well with you. All right. So here's the deal, nerds.
We just lost 30 people from that phone call.
We're going to be talking about the demolition man. It's not the but that's maybe you'll think it's the only one movie. One of a kind.
God broke the mold. Well, quite literally the ice mold.
Oh, 210. OK, so here's the deal. We're going to talk about this movie and we got Brian here trolling through this chat. And if you happen to have an observation that you think is interesting, throw it in there. If you. Yeah, exactly.
Comments, alternate titles. We're going to try and retitle this film, because demolition man is actually a pretty bad title for this movie. And it is sort of a weird title for this. Yeah, they hammered it. It's like when you try and make your own nickname stick. They were like, well, here's the name of the movie. And we're going to make sure to say it five times.
That's so he causes so little damage compared to others in the movie. Well, it was it was the 90s. Yeah, he blew up one building and actually nothing had ever been blown up in the 90s. So yeah, one building that didn't have any windows.
It just had it even blown up. He was just there when it exploded. That's actually a really good point. It is framed like it's going to explode and then it doesn't. They just got a little bit closer.
That is true. No, I agree.
It is sort of like going to a new camp and being like, I'm going to be I'm going to be Andy at this camp. No, no one needs to know that that's like now with my friends back home. Call me and just be like, guys, call me Andy. Everybody call me Alice Nutting. Yeah, I hope that doesn't stick with me for 12 years of being on the Internet.
You know, like that. Um, yep.
So, you know, I obviously love this film. I didn't. Let's let's just get into it. Jesse, can you recap this movie for this movie? I'm going to I'm going to bear the brunt of absolutely loving this film today. Yeah, I often do because I did. Yeah, I did, especially. Let me can I just say also, I so I watched this just yesterday.
I'm on vacation with some college friends of mine. This was like the hot get it. You had friends and they're right here, actually. No, but it was it was the perfect movie to watch with a bunch of like mid 30 something's like on vacation and like just looking for something to make fun of. But no, it was a blast.
All right. So demolition, man. We've got all right.
So Jason Hamler has been threatening this. Somebody has to just outbid. Just somebody just has to outbid Jason. Yes, somebody has to outbid for the love of God.
I don't want to watch a Serbian film. And why is it whenever Ali's going to leave for a week? I know that we always watch the most messed up shit. Twisted stuff. Now, I did a class on art house films and how they have affected like the ongoing like experimental media. And so I have seen not all of but quite a lot of a Serbian film and I never want to rewatch it.
And so I never will. Couldn't you guys can have fun without me next week. All right. I make no promises that I will finish the movie. If I get like halfway through and decide I don't want to do this anymore, I'll just I'll like Venmo you five bucks and I'll talk about half of it. And then talk about something fun like land before time or something. Yeah, I should also I should also say, let me interject on on this real quick. We have a guest lined up for next week that I don't think I ever 100 percent solidified with you guys. So I doubt they're going to suggest a Serbian film. So yeah. Anyway, we'll keep that in mind. I'm going to miss the guest. We could delay it a week and let Ali watch Serbian film anyway. We never said we would talk.
I would like Ali to be here for the guest. Great guest. Yeah, yeah. I'll be here on the first.
Well, well, anyway, well, let's talk about this off air. We'll figure it out. No, we'll hash it out now.
Michael Romero, really quick. Let me just say, dude movie made for dudes is insecurity. The title comes from a line in the movie where it says somebody says something. There was a lot of demolition, man. Man. No, no, no, no, no. My my alternate title I put as the A.K.A. just for a placeholder was insecure heterosexual males. Oh, I was wondering why somebody said something about being insecure.
And I feel like everyone's been acting really normal so far. They can yell it on me. Yeah, Hey, Jesse's been acting very normal today.
Yeah. And it's just a line from the movie. And I thought people would click on it and be mad. And well, this is why I'm a YouTuber. Hey, hey, hey. All right. Sorry. Before we lose everyone, now that I've revealed my secrets. Okay, here we go. So we got we got a loose cannon cop played by Sylvester Stallone.
Did you have to look that up? What did you just look at? I did. I have the Wikipedia page up. I just want to make sure I said the right name. Look at your cracked phone.
You don't know Sylvester Stallone?
It's so bad.
Whoa. Now that was that you were concerned about him having to look up who's in the movie. I was concerned about the state of your objects.
It's bad. It's pretty bad.
All right, so Sylvester Stallone is a cop who's going off the rails all the time. And this is in the mid 90s. He gets stuff done, but he does it by, for example, accidentally killing 20 to 30 innocent hostages.
Also maybe? Also like maybe?
No, he doesn't.
Well, at the scene of the crime, they counted about 20 dead hostages. But then later on, I think he was convicted for an even 30. Anyway, that was all in service of catching the bad guy, Wesley Snipes.
I had to look it up again. This is absurd. Good grief. I thought you were a child of the 90s. You don't know these freaking people on site. I was watching Nickelodeon, man.
Anyway, he's got to catch Wesley Snipes who's this like insane charismatic bad guy who's like sort of building this like And he plays one in the movie. And he plays one too. But he's built. So he's building this criminal empire and he's like pretty good at it. And he's also, if I had to follow any of the psychos in this movie, I'm following Wesley Snipes. He was a cool guy.
So anyway. Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. We just got one-upped. $20 is it or not? Oh, my God. We got a bidding war.
I put it in the vault. This is great. Thanks, Michael. That's very sweet of you. I mean. Yes, thank you.
There are other messed up movies out there that are less untalk aboutable in a YouTube video that we could like, I could reach into my art house film repertoire. We could watch some of your stuff. You've gotten your one movie. Okay, we watched. What's my one movie?
All that jazz? All that jazz. Yeah, that was your one.
That's like the most normal movie ever worked. Pretty normal.
I got to say, I've never heard of a Serbian film before. And just from the controversy it's caused in these first 10 minutes, I want to watch it. Ooh, you should watch it with your college friends. No, no, no, no. Look.
Ruined your trip.
I already have. Guys, remember, this is YouTube again. On YouTube, we got to draw things out. Stay to the end of the video to decide if we will, in fact, watch a Serbian film.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm really interested.
And then smash that like button. Make sure to hit the bell. Smash it. Let's smash the bell.
Continue with this recap that is utterly useless for anyone that's been listening so far. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So anyway, all these hostages are killed. The police, what? Jesus. Okay, Jason, seriously, stop giving.
You're just throwing money into a corporate well. I don't get this money. I'll watch a day of Serbian film. Keep your money.
Sorry. Go ahead. We only accept foreign currencies. Anyway, yeah. That's the ones they let us keep because they're too lazy to, you know, we should pick a charity. That'd be fun. Oh, that's not a bad idea. So, okay.
So, the police turn on one of their own, they decide that because all these hostages were killed, both the hero and the villain are equally responsible for these deaths. And so the punishment for both of them is to cryogenically freeze them, put them in icy jail for I think it's like 40 years or something. But the bad guy, Wesley Snipes, gets unfrozen mysteriously after about, I think it's like 30 years or something. He gets unfrozen.
His brain's been injected with all these, with all these like little tips and tricks of how to like navigate the future, which the future now that it's just run by the woke mob and cops aren't allowed to kill anybody anymore. Definitely, yeah. Everybody's soft. They don't know how to deal with any crimes whatsoever. So, Wesley Snipes is just running rampant. They decide the only way that they can counter that is to bring back Sylvester Stallone. And he spends the rest of the movie, you know, doing all this bad boy cop things and proving that, you know, the only way to have a functioning society is to let people eat red meat and curse and let cops shoot everybody, anybody they want, and put their juices together. Yeah. Oh, and then mix all their juices.
Can I ask a question that I don't know if it is answered by the film or if I, and I missed it or if it was not answered by the film. Is this specifically the culture of San Angeles or is this the culture of America or is this the culture of the world? Like, is it, if you drive, you know, four and a half hours and you're in Arizona, are they like, oh, sorry, we don't have spicy food here. We don't have sex. Are they just like doing it and having burgers in trailer park? Like what's going on?
I think they just didn't think that it's through because really a fundamental flaw of this is that like 30 years into the future is not nearly enough for all of the crazy changes to have taken place. And so I think they just didn't think big enough. Like it should have been 200 years in the future and it should have been every, like, there's only like two major cities on the entire planet.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, it sounds like my question is that, like, they keep talking about how this is what life is like in San Angeles and it was kind of spurred by this, like, horrible, um, uh, earthquake and that kind of, this was like sort of like the, the emotional and moral response to this, like, this big old disaster. And so okay, earthquake was in California. Well, here's the thing, Idaho is life in Idaho kind of the same and only in like the west coast and only in California has life changed like this and everywhere else, everyone's like, no, I don't listen to the guy who looks like the Pope. He's weird. I think so.
I'm going to drive my car to work.
At one point, Wesley Snipes names other cities that he wants to control. Each of them only have the city names that we know, but the Pope looking guy seems to imply that he might be able to give, like, Miami to Wesley Snipes and let him, like, run it. So I think this guy might be, like, gaining control of major American cities, but this one mega city with, like, three different, like, you know, California names combined is the one, is like the Alpha.
So kind of regardless, it brings up a point. Somebody pointed out, and this is true.
So Wesley Snipes didn't wake up sporadically. He was brought for parole or whatever because he has been programmed by the Pope looking guy to assassinate the leader of, ostensibly, the resistance movement, right?
So, like, if the whole upper world is sexless and emotionless, there's a whole dirty, sexy underground that eats rat burgers and, like, lighted up by Dennis Leary. Yeah, honestly, the more they kept being like, no, it's horrible. There's rats down here.
you're saying all my favorite things. Like, keep going. Well, he was like... So, well, Dennis Leary's, like, big monologue toward the end. He talks about, like, why the, you know, the underground must be able to thrive and all this shit. Honestly, I could be word for word from, like, a Tucker Carlson, like, diatribe.
He was like, down here, like, we have to be able to fucking eat meat. And, like, if we don't, the woke mob upstairs is going to, like, ruin the world. It's just, it was hard to tell what the moral compass of this film was. Right, because, okay, but what he also says is, I want to cover myself in jello and run naked through the streets. And I'm like, no society has ever really, it's like, I'll let you do that. Like, even this society, people are going to be like, dude, it's so dirty. Just do it enough, buddy. If they keep on legalizing marijuana and other progressive things.
All of the things that they wanted to do weren't even, like, I understand what Jesse's saying and that, like, life in San Angela seems bad. And then the expectation is that they have, like, the pendulum has swung so far the other way down there that it's, like, this horrible lawless place. And it's, like, neither place is obviously correct, right? You're, like, where you're like, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to live like that. And in reality, upstairs seems bad, but downstairs seems fine. And, like, a person being, like, I want to, like, put myself in jello and run through the streets.
You're like, look, maybe not for me. And I guess that is, like, I guess that is, like, against the law. But that's not, like, moral-less, lawless, sick behavior. That's just, like, a guy doing a college prank. He's like, no, I'm trying to pledge Phi Beta Kappa and if I have to run through it, I have to run through the quad with jello on me. It's, like, college boy shit. It's not, like, horrible, lawless, like, sick, depraved-ness. It's, like, I don't know.
There could have been some better writing there. No, you actually make an excellent point, which is, until this moment, I didn't even realize that that was supposed to be the antithesis. Because I realize now, Sylvester Stallone comes up. He's like, what we need is we all have to, what we need is that we all got to compromise. You get a little of this, you get a little of that. It's not to say that, actually, the dirty people's way is right. It's that everybody's got some good ideas and we should compromise and be somewhere in the middle. But for that to make any sense, you're right.
Like, they have to be way worse at the bottom. But they're not.
They're just like, I just want to be naked and eat jello. Yeah, it's literally like a guy just being, like, I think we should be able to eat a steak. And we're supposed to be like, oh, boy, they've really gone nuts down here. It's like, okay, I don't know. I want to run through the streets naked with jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly feel the need to.
Okay, pal. And it's like, okay, pal, I'll give you half of that. But the other half has to be sexless. You know, it's just it's a very funny compromise. Yeah.
It's like, I also, in the grand scheme of, like, what this movie is, like, skewering or satirizing. Do you know what I mean? My main question was about, like, the ethos of this future. Because, like, part of it is that they're, like, new age woo woo kind of hippies. And then also part of it is that they're, like, insanely capitalist obsessed. And I, like, don't totally understand the correlation between the two of those.
I think they're both really valid criticisms. And I certainly think they're valid criticisms of California.
Do you know what I mean? Like, of the plate. Like, I understand where this is coming from. But, like, I don't understand why a culture that's, like, all about, like, wellness and connection. And we don't even need to touch to, do you know what I mean? It's sort of like kind of wandering into, like, a hippie cult that, like, lives off the land.
But then there's this other subset that are, like, no, we love consumerism. And we listen to commercials. And it's all about, it's all about the goods. Except that we don't even have money anymore. We just, like, exchange in, like, credits and vibes. But we love consumerism. But also, it's all about your heart.
We don't even have sex anymore. I don't, they did not feel related to me in a cultural way.
Well, that all ties together so perfectly for me. And I think it's, I think this movie was, is just a walking embodiment of the future liberals won. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like a witch future to liberals won.
Well, but that's like, it doesn't, as a liberal, not to out myself as a liberal here on this show, but as a liberal, like, yeah, this seems nonsensical. But you can tell, you can see somebody, like, you can see, like, your worst uncle like making up this straw man. Basically, this society in the movie is a straw man made up by, you know, a Tucker Carlson type. So that's why these guys don't make sense to us.
Joe Biden's feature. That's what he wants.
But they just, they felt in some ways, directly opposed as the sort of like dual ethos of what this world is like. And like, as the, you know, straight man protagonist who's like walking around being like, this is all so crazy. Like, it didn't feel like I knew what he was gonna react. Where are the floor? I just didn't feel like I knew what he was gonna react to next because like, if a character has one thing that they're like, this is so weird and so different, then you're like, oh, I understand.
Like, he wants to go back to a world where, you know, you don't listen to commercials on your car radio. And there's not only one restaurant in town and blah, blah, blah. Like, he's hungrier for the days of like, good old capitalism where we could just sort of like, you know, the free market. But then it's also like, he's like, oh, I don't believe in how you guys go to the bathroom or have sex or shake hands or can't curse or can't.
Do you know what I mean? It's like, wait a minute. So now you just don't like everything?
Yeah, it's very, he wants to go back. He wants to make America great again in many ways. He wants to go back to this like fictional past that like, is it possible to go back to?
I do think the having no money thing, I agree. I think Jesse's right.
Like it's sort of a, if the future was super, super liberal. It is weird because of the no sex thing. Like that part is slightly confusing because you would think it would be more dirty hippies running through the streets. But it's like, it's like, there's no free speech anymore, man. And so it's like, it's, it's, it's the they want to take the salt out of the food and the fluids out of the sex. Yeah, it's like, it's like the fascist thing where it's like, oh, we're all drones now, bro. And like, we can't do anything. And even though, you know, fascism is the other direction, but it's like, I think it's, it's just supposed to be fascism light.
I mean, her name Huxley surely is Brave New World. Yeah, totally.
And like, also like all this stuff about sex is also kind of from 1984 ish, where like, you can still have sex to procreate, but they've banned orgasm. You're like, like, specifically in 1984, like you can't like the pleasure part of sex has been outlawed. And so like, it is only a tool for recreation, recreation, reproduction, whatever, recreation.
Do you know what I mean? It's like, they stole a little bit from all of these things. And again, like, I'm not trying to say like, hey, why aren't the things we're talking about on TV in 2022, 2023, in this movie from 20 years ago, but it is obviously trying to make a political statement. It's not, it is obviously trying to say something. I just think that something's a little confused and I don't really understand what it wants me to like, laugh at or satirize or look at in a new way. Well, here's the, here's the other really confusing thing. So obviously, you know, taking a face value, this is one of the purest examples of propaganda I've ever seen, which is like, oh my God, yeah, the future and do whatever they want. Otherwise, the future will be bad.
Yeah, it's like, they literally have a cop say, what are we supposed to do? We're cops. We don't know how to how to respond to violence or something like that.
Yeah, and it's like, which in and of itself could actually be a really funny satire, right? Like if, yeah, if it just straight facedly kind of like RoboCop, right? Like RoboCop is that, but subtle where it's like, you think the RoboCop is kind of a badass, but you're also like, do you actually want a soulless murder machine patrolling your streets?
I don't think so. Whereas this is like, oh yeah, you do because it frigging, it rocked. But that's the other thing that's funny is they're like, none of the police know how to respond to anything, right? Yeah.
But all the dirty underground people have guns and shit. Why don't they just take over? There's literally nothing. They can't even, they don't even know how to arrest you. Literally, they could just come up from the ground, gun everyone down and take over. But they're like, ah, we can't get up there.
They're so rich. You know, I spend all their time making graffiti robots and drawing slogans on everything. Yeah, they're busy.
But it's just, it's such a funny, it's just a funny conceit where you're like, okay, well, Wesley Snipes has been introduced and he's crazy and he has guns. So that makes sense that you need a cop. And it's like, oh, but there's like a bunch of dirty gun wielding crazy people living underground that are so pissed. There was one line that well, that aged pretty well, which was when one of the cops sort of helplessly is like, we're police officers. We're not trained to handle this kind of violence.
all right, that's a funny joke. Exactly. That was so funny, but they didn't mean for it to be funny to us, I think. See, I- I think they wanted us to say, yeah, you're right, because- You don't think that they wanted it to be funny? They wanted it to be like, this is what cops would be like if liberals take over.
I agree. I don't know. I don't know if I agree. I- It took me a while to get there. I respect you. If you don't see it that way, I see this as pro cop, but I didn't for a while. So, but I'm interested then to hear your take on this.
I guess I'm still sort of, I guess I'm paying more attention now than I ever did during the two hour course of the movie, which is I guess like, I, some, okay, this is just like a general thing. Sometimes when people talk about movies, any movie, they'll be like, um, you're looking at this through a 2020 lens.
And I'm like, no, history existed in the 90s. Someone said that already. Did you know what I'm saying? Like, like, if you think about like the Los Angeles riots, like- What year do you know? Was, do you know what I mean? No, but Los Angeles cops were great in the 90s. I can't- That's what I'm saying. Everybody thought they were cool. All this cop criticism is so now when it's like, it might be more in your consciousness now because you were just three when it happened. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, again, like I'm not trying to think it's like- It's like getting to third grade and being like, well, they just invented multiplication and division. I can't believe they came up with this now when I have to learn it. Every third grader had to learn this.
Rodney King was two years before this. So it's like, it's not, like it had to be in everybody's general consciousness. Yeah, everybody was thinking about it. And then if this movie was released in 1993, that means it was being written when that shit was happening.
Do you know what I'm saying? And so like, I, again, I'm not trying to say this in a way that's like high and mighty, like, you know, history. It's just that like, I really mean like sometimes- That's our new podcast name. Yeah, history.
It's just one of those things where it's like, many of the issues that you talk about today fully and totally existed in the past, they either just weren't as publicized because there either wasn't like as much of like a rallying cry from the general public to get behind it or you were a child and rightfully didn't know about it because you were playing in sticks in mud like Jordan. Jumping on that trampoline, man. Yeah. And again, like you were not supposed to be seven years old with a fully formed brain. You were supposed to be playing in mud.
Like it's better for you. But like now that you're 30, you're allowed to be like, oh, you know what? Maybe police weren't great in 1993 in LA. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. You're allowed to like go read an article or whatever and change your mind.
But they throw me candy at parades. So thematically, very confusing. What they're trying to say, the satire stuff, I will say just as a general, that was by far the most interesting part of the movie for me because I thought the action. I mean, somebody's going to yell at me for this. The action kind of sucked. I mean, it was a lot of I wrote down how can these superheroes possibly be so inaccurate? And I know that's like a movie trope.
Wait, what? Superheroes? Did you would you watch again?
Wesley Snipes is the greatest villain of all time. Simon Phoenix rising from the ashes and Sylvester Stallone is the demolition man of which prophecy foretold the only cop who can save humanity.
And they're like eight feet apart. Damn it. He got away.
I mean, the classic like the gun, yeah, the gun doesn't work kind of situation happen all the time. But it's like, I've never seen it to this degree where it's like, there's actually not that many deaths.
It's just every piece of glass in a thousand mile radius gets shattered. And I think it's demolished. Yeah, there's a demolished. I will say that blowing up the building was sick as hell.
that was a real building. And I looked it up and it wasn't real. And it wasn't a building. It wasn't like a competition to like, we could blow something up in your hometown and apply here. Oh, I don't know. I didn't I didn't. I think it was like, I think it was a real building. And it also was like a publicity thing where they were like, do you have a building in town that needs to get blown up? You should apply and we'll do it in your town. Yeah, I didn't see that.
But that's awesome. I love that. I think I hope I didn't make that up. It's fact now it's canon.
Let me defend the action because I was captivated by it in a way that I'm not. I'm often not like this isn't my kind of movie. But here's it struck me that it felt like I was watching like like a Batman show at Six Flags. So I don't know if everybody has that. But you know how like at theme parks, they had these like action packed like, like fire and explosions. And like, you know, that like stuntmen like doing all kinds of stuff. It felt like I was like sitting front row at that during this movie. It doesn't mean it's a good action sequence for a movie. But all in man. I was captivated like a little baby. So, okay, so I obviously, I'm obviously something of an action movie connoisseur myself. Yeah, I would say it's like, it's kind of your bread and butter, which is why like, I didn't notice the movie, the action being particularly boring or bad. But like, I'm interested.
I didn't say it way more than mine. Hold on. What if you didn't say it? You said it was bad. No, sorry. Sorry. I'm yelling at the comments. Brent, I didn't say anything yet. Jesse said it.
I didn't. No, I did. I made fun of you.
Oh, Ali, well, I didn't say it. It's not shut up. Didn't say what? Okay, somebody. Didn't say what? Wait, what didn't you say?
Say it in a full sentence. I'd say bad thing and you can't make me. This is entrapment. Oh, this question, I guess is for you then.
So like, the reason I made us all watch The Raid is because that to me is endlessly fascinating fight scenes. And so by contrast, like, what even is it? It's just like beefy dudes kind of. And somebody pointed out like Wesley Snipes did some martial arts. I'm like, in the loosest sense of he kicked things. Like, I guess. Isn't he also like a really excellent martial artist? Like, yeah, he is and can do lots of things. And they had that weird like, bam. Oh, do you like the rap scratches and stuff? So funny. It's just like an old Batman and the Pows and the Zaps, but updated for the 90s.
They had Sandra Bullock do some kicking and swirling and stuff and that looked pretty good. Whether it was her or her stunt double, I don't really know. But like, that looked pretty good. While we're on that subject, do we know if that was Sandra Bullock's boob that we see in the cyber six? No way.
There was a boob? I didn't see no boob. Yeah, there's a flasher to a boob. He was a stock footage boob. They just found a boob on the street and filmed it.
Oh my god. How many nipples does Alamo's stock photos have? I really feel like I'm losing my edge to be like, I missed more than one nipple.
Well, Jessie and I were pretty locked in. I was pretty locked in just in case. I was in a house full of bros and this scene was, everybody knew it was coming up. This is the highlight. I actually thought that.
That's a title. That's an alt title right there. That's a good title.
I liked the, I mean, I understand that it's like bad because it's like impersonal and stuff, but like when they were showing the flashes of just like Sandra Bullock enjoying herself and kind of like sexy noises. It's like, I did find that quite hot. Oh, that's a brave of you to say. But it was, it was like interesting lighting and just sort of just like hints of a woman aroused. that's sexy.
I wouldn't want that to be the be all end all of what intimacy is. But like, it didn't not work for me. Yeah. I feel like I would ride it out. I'd give it a shot. Me too. I wouldn't have ripped it off is what I'm saying. Like, yeah, I would have like, I would have at least seen what happened. Yeah.
That's also a weird thing where it's hard to tell. It's hard to tie together some of the threads because like, maybe this is more as a kid because I've seen clips of this growing up. But that scene is something that like every kid like loves. They recall seeing that scene is like, this is so cool.
This is so close to sex. It's good. And then you realize, oh, the point of this is that it's actually bad. But you're right. It's treated very sensually, very like.
Is it really that unsettling? Like, it's no, no, it wasn't. No.
Okay, like something that it reminds me of is in that first season of Black Mirror where everybody can film and replay stuff. And there's like a really good scene where this couple that's obviously not into each other anymore are having sex but replaying sex from their past in their mind. So they're like watching a hotter sex scene while they have boring sex.
That was like really interesting and like, oh, yikes, like unsettling. This was just like sexy little images and sexy noises against like a euphoria, like, you know, black background with green lighting. Like, it wasn't not meant to look sexy. Again, I'm not saying I want to give up like whatever intimacy we have now to like go put like a thing on my head, but like, I don't know. It was just kind of weird. It was weird to me that he like ripped it off and was like, what the hell is this?
And it was, it was, it was. Yeah. It was Sandra Belick coming. Like, what do you want me to say? Like, that's what it was like.
If they wanted to make it awful, it would look like, you know, all these like, it would look like the Metaverse. It'd be the Metaverse.
Exactly. That would be like torso, torsos only, no legs. People sitting at a table like, yeah, this is sex. Exactly. 100%. I believe they shot it too sexy for it to be not sexy. Yes. I agree. Very sexy.
This is why I was locked in and Jesse and I both saw that boob and. How do I fucking miss it? High five to cross space and time. Really quickly, though, before we get away from this action stuff, because I was accused of having not seen It Man in the comments, which is very distressing.
What is that? I think it's actually really good. You would actually like it. It's a. Let's do it.
Basically, I want to say a Chinese martial artist, but now I feel bad because I'm not sure. Anyway, in World War II, they're occupied by Japan and he just happens to be. There's one scene in particular where basically the general, the Japanese general or whatever in charge of the occupation is a fascinating with martial arts and he's like, I got the best martial arts fighters and It Man who is like, basically a monk is like, okay, fine.
And he's so pissed at all the atrocities he's seen. He just he just massacres a bunch of these dudes and it's the best thing ever.
And then anyway, it's great. I want to say it's fun. Yeah, it really sounds like you saw it.
Is it Donnie? I was going to say it's Donnie Yen who I believe was also in Rogue One.
I feel like it kind of has that like the sort of RRR vibe of like getting a crack team in to upset the imperialists or whatever. Yeah, but it's a lot more. Like drama forward. It's not it's not as like, it's not meant that the whole point of that scene is the violence is extremely shocking.
It's like, oh, I don't actually want him to do this. But this is how frustrated he is with Japan.
Anyway, it's great. My point though, the thing that I wanted to talk about was what I want to do is create a world. No, I want to.
I want to remake a bunch of these 90s movies with the guys from The Raid. Like I think this plot would be so fun if the action, if I gave even half a crap like about the fight. Like, yeah, John Wick.
Somebody's mentioning like that's really great gunplay. We've just we've evolved a lot since the 90s where it's like action is explosions. It's not really fighting. It's like guns firing and people are just like, whoa, so many bullets. Whereas now I think we're finally getting to a point. Even superhero movies had this for a while where they're like, what if smash into whole building? And finally, and then you go through like three things in a row. Yeah, there was a lot of many buildings and movies loved that one for sure. And now we're finally getting like Shang-Chi or whatever where they they can actually like fight besides just being invincible and punch so hard. You know, they have some skills.
I just think this movie would be really interesting. So apparently, full circle, Jackie Chan was originally approached to play Wesley Snipes character. And if Jackie Chan had been Wesley Snipes character, it would have been freaking rad because every single fight would have been some crazy stuff.
Because they probably wouldn't have let him do it. If Wesley Snipes can do it and they didn't let him do it, would they have let Jackie Chan do it? Well, maybe not because he said no. So I assume that if he agreed to it that he would have been allowed to do.
I did like though, when later in the movie, Sandra Bullock is like whipping her legs around and Sylvester Stallone's like, oh, where'd you learn that? And she's like, I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies as if just like watching by Asmosis is enough to like keep a black belt. She studied so hard that she became a super cop.
I kind of loved it. Like I know that it was dumb, but I also like was like. Yeah, that's not. Feelings on this entire movie. It was so dumb, but I loved it. Yeah, you did have the benefit.
So I'm sitting here angrily considering budgets while I'm watching Demolition Man by myself on my laptop, being like, I hate this. I hate watching this. I don't want to do this.
And you're sitting there with all your fratty bros being like boys. Oh, now a shot every time we see a boom, which is, you know, one demolition man is for the boys.
Yeah, right. Yeah, that's how I get that.
I will say like this is not my. This is not my kind of movie, just like all that demolition. Yeah, it's just like I just don't like demolition. No, just like I didn't watch this when I was younger, so I don't have like a nostalgic attachment to it. And like an action movie is just like never like my go to like my friend does a phrase that I like where he'll just be like, this is not my ministry. Do you know what I mean? It's like not to say like I think it's bad or anything like that, but it's just like, this is just not my domain. Like this is not my thing.
Sure, I like when it was fun, it was really fun. And when the like when there were moments for the characters to have fun and interact with the world in a sort of simple way, I did kind of enjoy it. Like the Taco Bell thing like really gave me like I was like a true laugh out loud moment for me. And then like even just like them going to a big fancy dinner of them calling it Taco Bell, like little moments like that where it's like simple. It's like the simplicity of the writing of just being like fish out of water.
Funny expectations about the 90s. Just kidding. It's the future.
Like when those moments landed for me, I thought they were like excellent. I just spent more time than not confused and not quite understanding the world. But like when it did work, I thought it worked fantastically. And like when there were some fun moments between like Sandra Bullock's character and Sylvester Stallone. Like when there was like again, like simple easy to understand moments of just like I'm like this and I'm like this. We're so different. When those moments like were well written and like delivered, I thought they both were good actors. I thought they both had some charming back and forth. I kind of believed your chemistry. Like it wasn't like a miss for me, but I spent way more time being like, what hold on a second.
There's no money because we believe in goodness and kindness and wellness, but we love commercials for products. Who's buying products?
I just like I felt too like. The idea that they cut out everything bad. Like you can't even have salt, but they all eat a taco.
Yeah, yeah, but it was spotless. But it was yeah, well, great.
It was just gross. It was probably just gross ground beef.
But why is it even? It's anyway, it doesn't matter.
So I do. I have a feeling some of that is like is vestigial like appended from earlier drafts. Like I think I think it was a mistake for them to say, oh, we got rid of capitalism because I think at one point, like hyper capitalism or sorry, got rid of money because I think at one point hyper capitalism was like a central tenant, right? But then they were like, well, OK, we're going to have them get rid of money. But like we already like all the stuff. We all the funny things we said about Taco Bell. So we're just going to keep that. Yeah, gotcha. Yeah, that's probably true. I think it would would be kind of funny if they were like leaning so hard into the like we got rid of capitalism thing of being like, is it true back in your day? You had to advertise for products because there were so many products that you had to decide which one to buy.
You know what I mean? Like that's so like Sylvester Stone could be like, yeah, there were like, you know, 100 different cereals and then just being like, that's crazy 100 different cereals. Tell us about all the cereals. You know what I mean?
But instead they were just sort of like, yeah, no, like we love the idea of products, but we reject wanting them. Instead, we just get fud slop and we love it. I don't know. Yeah, that part is goofy where it's like we like to sing about products that don't exist anymore, I guess, because every food is Taco Bell, presumably.
So everybody's everybody's been yelling about the three she she shells. She shells. I mean, that was a really funny line. She would mention that or I mean, one of my I will say that one of my alternate titles that I was going to pitch was the three seashell problem. Oh, my God, the three body problem. Yeah, it's the three seashell problem.
He had a problem. He didn't know what to do with them.
So as I say, I love the way that he solved it. That was actually literally my favorite part of the whole movie. Him just like going up to the credit thing, swearing at it. So point out a bunch of paper. that's perfect. Christopher Nolan would have done that. The guy who takes he does such a good job of always taking his premise and having fun with it. perfect. Love it. Yeah.
Anyway, that and the cybersex scene are the two big ones that I remember from seeing this as a child. Yeah, that was an equally titillating. Also, there was a I was on IMDB and I was looking up like fun facts.
Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry.
What's the name of the actor who's now very famous and a lot of comedic stuff and he was like one of the funny cops. Oh, yeah, I think Bob Snyder. Thank you. OK, so there was a fun fact on IMDB that I literally wrote underneath it in my notes. This can't be true, which was like Rob Schneider and Sandra Bullock became really close friends while on the set of Demolition Man.
She kept talking about her next project, which involved a high speed bus chase. And Rob kept saying, oh, Sandra, you got to get out of that project. It sounds like a huge flop.
And this never happened. There's no there's no way. There's no way that Rob Schneider was like speed. Really, Sandra? I think you got to find another project. Like there's this never happened. I don't know. Why don't you hop on Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo? I don't know. there's no way and there's no way that Sandra Bullock was like, oh, Rob, you scamp. I'm already committed to the product forever. Oh, this never happened.
I want to talk about Rob Schneider because like his presence is something that confused me. As I as I was watching this trying to I've eventually landed on. I think this is a propaganda. But at first I thought it was more of like an idiocracy esque like, you know, satirical romp. So you see Rob Schneider there and I seem to remember I meant to look this up, but like hasn't he sort of come down on the wrong side of like many social and political issues in the last few years. If you think I'm following what Rob Schneider is up to you are sorely mistaken.
I have no idea. I don't know what he says, thinks, does or goes. I don't know.
Yeah, well, so he's right. So he's turned into kind of a jag off in some ways. So oh, this is weird to see him sort of like making fun of like making fun of cops. I thought was what his character is doing because I thought he was probably more on the side of, you know, people who would be into making a cop again a movie. And then I started realizing, oh, this movie's pro cop. And this is like an early like Rob Schneider being like, oh, hell yeah, I'm going to stick it to the lips.
I don't know. But also like not to give people like an hour. I don't think he had any say in anything. I think I also think like people people 20 years ago might not have the same views that they have now largely because like, you know, a lot of what you believe is like what you spend 16 hours a day having on your television. Do you know what I mean? And so it's like, it's like, I don't know how I don't know what he used to feel 20 years ago.
That's true. But yeah, in a way that there is now like like Rob Schneider is partially presumably like a lot of these kind of comedians. They're kind of doing this stuff to stay relevant and to get an audience because the comedy thing isn't really working out anymore. And so it's it's a lot of this like, but now I'm crazy. Like who's the is it? Who's the comedian that like does all the like Republican fundraising things or whatever. And he's always his thing is that he's like a parrot or Jim Brewer.
Yeah, where it's like I don't even know that he cares. I think he's just trying to make money. You got to make money somehow, dude.
So I don't know if Rob Schneider has been sitting there like now's my chance to finally reveal. Yay, Senator Palpatine. He's here.
Yes, but you also don't really but like Jim Brewer is sort of an outlier. Like you don't see like like Adam Sandler didn't play this part. Like there could have been other comedians who were offered this part and were like, oh, this is like doesn't align with my morals and my politics.
I don't really want in maybe Rob is fun to see these movies. I mean, like for me, it's more fun to watch stuff. Like when we were watching I Love You Man and I was like seeing people who would go on to be like very famous comedians or like people who would like helm their own movie. But like we're like just like a friend of Rashida Jones. Like it's like I feel like maybe it's more of that kind of thing where it's just like, oh shit, I got my first big budget blockbuster movie. I get to find and not have to do that commercial for dog food this year.
Do you know what I mean? And also like, did you see Jack Black was in this movie for like a hot second? Yes, he was like a little he was one of the little underground. Yeah, he was like a scrapper or whatever you call it. He gets like hit in the face or something. I forget. Yeah, it's like he has like a funny moment or anything. He doesn't like play guitar or say skadoosh or whatever. He just like he just kind of like is in the movie.
But like I'm sure it was a big paycheck. And if you're a dude trying to make it, like you're not going to turn down playing scrapper number three. That's a really good point.
Yeah, that blows up my Rob Schneider theory. Oh, look, I don't know. You might be right. He might have just been like, yes, yes, this is how I was in the future. Well, that's what I say. I just don't think that he I think he was. Yeah, he's in the movie that he's because he's not pivotal.
You know, they're asking Sylvester Stallone to be on the movie. They're asking Jackie Chan. Rob Schneider, they're like, you want it.
And so he's presumably like, yes, please. Well, wait, what was his? But his first I almost feel like he was a big get around this time because his first line was something very similar to like one of his his like big SNL catch phrases, right? Like, like you could he almost delivered it in the making copies voice. Whatever his first line was. So I feel like this this was like a bit of a gem for them.
I don't know. I don't maybe I don't know.
I also, for whatever reason, Wikipedia tells me that he was a Democrat from 1984 to 2013, a Republican from 2013 to 2017 and now from 2017 and now independent. He's been dead for five years and dead from then on. I was happy to see the actor Bob Gunton who is very talented. Remember the guy from like Shawshank Redemption and stuff.
Oh, my God. Yes. He was really good as always, you know, like, yeah, he crushed. He crushed. What can I say? He crushed.
I'm just kidding. Yes. So we were going to talk about the shells briefly. So is it understood like I think I know how they work and I like people like lots of civilizations used to do this. And I think there's still people that still do this with like a series of shells or rocks or like corn cobs or whatever. Is this true? Okay. I can't tell if this is like a long play bit or no, this is not this is not a joke. This is what I'm reaching into the depths of like what I learned in. Okay, okay. High school.
RD claims that this is a pro cop. Sorry, a pro action hero movie and not a pro cop movie, which would make sense given that last action hero came out at the same time.
That's it. Continue. Totally. Yeah, sure. But okay.
But who was this action hero just happened to be a cop? You know, they all get back in. Back in those movies like we only had cops.
We didn't invent Spider-Man until, you know, 2008. Oh, my God, that's true. Well, we had Harry Potter, but.
You're really good at getting comments on things, Jordan. Jordan is the king of saying something that everyone's going to comment on.
Yeah, but he's got to do it. Yeah, we didn't have Spider-Man till 2001 when he swung between the two towers and like in the twin towers and then they had to cut it out of the trailer. Remember that? I do. And and I honestly, I spent most of that movie going, you know, where were you? Why didn't you stop it? Spider-Man. There you go. He has never been called accountable for his role. After Jesse tells us how you wipe your butt with a corn cob, which I'm very interested here, then I will tell you how I experienced the movie Spider-Man in the year 2001. Go, Jesse. Did you also have something in and or around your butthole? No. Well, all right. I guess it'll still be an OK story. Go.
You just scrape your butthole with the shell. And I think it could be. I think we do see in the movie, but I forget what it looks like. But it's like it could be varying sizes, but it's basically just like a progression of like, OK, first scoop is for the for most of the shit. The next shell is like slightly cleaner. So you get the, you know, you get the the bits and then third shells, you know, just for vanity or whatever.
But like there. So public toilets. You got a date. Have used to have a like like rocks on a shelf. They were. It was like communal ass wiping rocks. This is real.
I forgot. I should have looked it up too, but I forget what.
Society this was. But yeah, it was very common.
I mean, I assume they dump off the excess. And they probably do. They probably scrub it. I don't know if they had they wouldn't have had running water.
So you wouldn't be able to really clean it. But there you do probably like knock it against the side or whatever to get the poop off. But anyway, yeah, it's just you scrape poop off your B hole.
And people have done that for millennia. Great. OK, changing the subject. Like when I went to go see but this is just this is just a tangent. So if you want to be mad at me, you can be mad at me.
When I went to go see Spiderman, I went with my grandparents and my two older cousins. But we also had to take my little brother who's six years younger than I am. So he was about like five years old. And we really wanted to see Spiderman because it had come up that weekend.
OK, romance sponges on a stick. Very that's what I was thinking. Yeah, good looks.
But my grandparents were like, there's no way we're taking your brother to see it. He's five years old. He's going to be terrified.
So we went to go see Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron instead, which was an animated movie about a horse. It's not very good. But that's the one where none of them talk, right? You just it's implied winning volumes and stuff. My sisters love that movie. I'm going to tell you why I don't remember this. What happened in that movie?
What really happened is that my older my oldest cousin went, OK, I'm going to say I need to go to the bathroom and I'm going to go see what's happening in Spiderman. And then I'll come back and tell you guys and then Rebecca, you can go. And then my cousin Rebecca would go and then she would watch what happened in Spiderman. Then she'd come back and report back and then I would go and then I would go watch like 10 minutes of Spiderman and then I would come back and report back.
And like that is how I experienced that movie for the first time. It was really fun. We were like, oh my God, the Green Goblin is his friend's dad.
We'd be like, are you kidding me? But no, I'm not kidding. You got to go see and then we'd like go down the hall. We'd be like, OK, his friend died. It was crazy. That's like that's a scene that's sort of like the first like sharing of Netflix passwords, but it's also seem like right out of pen pen 15. That would be a hundred percent. Except that they would have been going to see some like erotic French film or something and like trying to explain what like sexual acts that just happened in pen 15. They go see Titane. Hey, really? No, I would be surprised. OK, well, timing wise doesn't make sense because it's not the right time. In the spec script of pen 15 that takes place in this year.
Yes, my friends still make fun of me because when we were like 16, probably 17, too old for me to be. I guess not 17, 15 or 16, too old to be worried about this.
We went to see Brother Solomon, which is like this terrible comedy with like Will Forte and Will Arnett, I think something like that. It's about them. They're like trying to have a kid. I don't really remember it. But of course, we we were only 15. So we had to buy tickets to something else.
And the guy came in with the wand. Oh, I got to go pee. And I like I ran.
I'm not getting in trouble. I'm a good kid. Ironically, I did get suspended a little bit later, but it's fine. Were you a kid who like never got detention, never got anything when you were in school? You were like a really good kid. I got in trouble a lot, but I didn't want to get in trouble with like a business.
I don't even I don't know if that even makes any sense at school. I didn't mind. I got I got whatever.
I used to fight. Jordan's a good capitalist. Jordan used to fight. I like that journey to fight at school.
Not a lot. Just like a little bit. I just know that's fun.
I feel like Jesse did. I feel like Jesse was like, I never got attention.
I never got suspended. I was a really good kid. One kid touched my trombone and I was pretty upset, but no, not me.
I'm being Jesse right now. He's it's a trumpet, but I know you did that on purpose. They're all the same. Anyway, we should talk about this movie. I just wanted to mention that. Wait, wait, wait, really quick.
In the original script and then maybe filmed it, Sylvester Stallone mentions that he has a daughter and kind of like wants to see his daughter, but he thinks he's weird. She's too old. They had a whole subplot where that was going to happen more intentionally, but the audiences thought that Sandra Bullock was his daughter. And so when they had that too, they were very like.
And so they were like, why did they think she what? Why?
What like old boy fantasy with the audience playing out where they have sex? Like what's going on here? I thought that was going to be like a weird. That's a weird group.
Wanted it to be that you sicko. Say that to the camera. Look right down the barrel of the camera and say that I want Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone to be related and to have helmet sex. I said it. I thought I thought that was going to be the twist. Here's the thing.
They kept on teasing it. They kept on being like, oh, like what about his family?
OK, wife's dead. What about his daughter?
Then Sandra Bullock is OK. Then Sandra Bullock in there in the car and she says I can. I could look up where she is.
Your daughter and he's like, no, no, no, no, no. So I thought like, oh shit, he knows that she's his daughter. Oh, this is what see. This is one of those Jesse things where he was like, I thought it was going to be revealed that Wesley Snipes was the literal devil and he was going to come out of the ground at a big ball of fire. And then I got to the end of the movie. It was so disappointing when it turns out. It's just another action movie. Yeah, gotcha. But it seemed like that could have been that could have been the twist.
Because also, I think another reason why people thought that is because it was so strictly non-sexual, the relationship for most of it. You know, when they have sex until they get to the helmet sex part until then, they weren't worried about the sex until they have it. Is he like taking her under his wing? Like there's no sexual. She doesn't have any sexual energy. She's just sort of like cute most of the time. But she doesn't look like she wants to like suck his virtual dong or anything.
I guess something that I did think was going to happen that didn't happen is that like, I thought they were going to have exchange of fluids. Or whatever they called it. They did have that non-consensual kiss right at the end. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like I kind of, I thought that like he was going to be like, you love the 20th century so much.
Why don't I show you? Why don't you marry it? What do you mean? Like why don't I show you like what we used to do and that she was going to be like, like, I don't know.
I thought there was going to be a thing where like they like yeah, he brings her into the ways of the old world. And then I was sort of surprised that that never happened. It does feel like, you know, if she learned how to fight based on watching Jackie Chan movies, it seems like it could, like she has to be aware.
I mean, I guess they sort of get around that by her being like, I know what it is, but it's gross, which is not unfair. It's great, but it's pretty gross. So I could see, especially if you're just watching it. So I could see why that would have been a weird thing where she's like, I've seen it. It's gross.
He's like, no, it's me. It's great. I mean, yeah, he does say, oh, it's too bad. I was a really good kisser. Yeah, right. He does say that.
Yeah, there was also a line that she had that was like, after AIDS, there was NRS, and after NRS, there was SNL, and after SNL, there was UCB, and after UCB, there was the pit. And it was like, COVID-19. What are we talking about? Yeah, it was kind of. They had a lot of extra diseases. It was kind of funny that they kind of took some stabs in the dark at like what the future might be like, you know? In so many ways. But honestly, oh, but holy shit, like the like not touching when you shake hands, hello happened.
Well, yeah, it'd be really funny if they were like, hey, the elbows. Yeah, much more realistic. Yeah. This is a total aside, but David, we literally just sort of made a video talking about this. A little bit, yeah. Honestly, it'd be fun to like lean more into it and just do like full on a bond one. But like, but yeah, the idea of why, why don't we have a crazy female sex maniac who is also the hero rather than just like. Right.
Destroying there is a reason why and it goes all the way back to medieval times. So enjoy this video when it comes out. Yeah, hopefully it's good.
I was in it, so I can't guarantee anything about it. You guys got anything else other than? I don't think so. Oh, I wrote down one more thing that was a fun fact on IMDB that this can't be true. This can't be true.
Which was Wesley Snipes hated his blonde dye job and shaved his head as soon as swimming was complete. After this movie's release, professional NBA player Dennis Rodman began dying his hair different colors. A look that was inspired by Simon Phoenix.
No, it wasn't. That would be sick. I've read that. I don't know if it is true, but that he on the record was like y'all seem demolition man. I want to be that guy. And that's why he did it. There's no way. I mean, you know, he's like a cool action star guy. I mean, I don't know. They made some money. It doesn't matter. It's real. It's real if you believe it is. Yeah, anything is possible. I just don't buy it. It's a little bit too convenient. Definitely somebody was like, wouldn't that be cool if and then they just like logged into IMDB. Yeah. Or it would just be like, where did he get the idea?
Jesse famously seen wearing a hat was inspired by. It's a lot more than a hat. It's like a frickin' blonde male pattern baldness. I was inspired by my mom. I was trying to think about famous characters that wears hats. And I literally the minute I can't think of any hats. Charlie Brown.
He doesn't wear hats. He's bald. He doesn't wear.
I was thinking bald. I was thinking bald guys.
A couple of quick things I had, which is to your point about society changing that much in only 30 years or whatever. 40 years.
Where did he get a British accent? That was pretty good. Who had a British accent?
The Pope. Yeah, he was weird. And his little assistant who was dressed exactly like Nathan Lane in the birdcage. What was happening there? I love that guy.
And then the other thing is this is actually the first movie. This might also be apocryphal, but I believe it's true. This is the first movie to ever take its product placement and localize it to everywhere that the movie came out. So in other countries, they're eating at Pizza Hut, which makes no sense, because I know the food looks not like Taco Bell, but it certainly doesn't look like Pizza Hut.
If you were like, Hey, a lot can change in 30 years. Yeah.
So anyway, because they're both owned by Yum Yum or Yum Brands or whatever, except that Taco Bell is a lot more popular here than it is in places with taste. They're like Pizza Hut. You leave Taco Bell out of this. I actually love both Taco Bell. I love Yum Brands, sponsored by Yum.
All right, we're gonna toss it to the unwashed master. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see people leaving and we're already in an hour. All right. You guys forgot this was made in 93, not today. Yeah. I didn't forget that. We already discussed it. We will give it no more. The real villain, according to Andrew Elkes, is the blonde hair. That's true.
It does sound like he hated it.
So, there you go.
Are we not gonna address the genetic procreation? There's only planned breeding that's not very hippie-ish.
Yeah, but that's like a fascism thing. No, no, and like- Hippies are underground. No, but like- But also above ground. I agree that Jason is like, that facet is so unlike this free love hippie woo woo.
Be well. We're all here to be on the same earth together.
Like, yeah, I fully agree with that. Yeah, but I think ultimately this world they created is just like a Frankenstein's monster straw man. They just like took all these things that they hate about modern society and they just blame it on the whole mob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm gonna jump to this comment.
Yeah, Dennis Rodman is a very stable normal guy that would never do something crazy like copy hair he saw in a movie. Now, I wanted to say, I don't think that the thing that's unbelievable is that Dennis Rodman would or wouldn't do something he saw in a movie. It's just that like, I just don't know if this specific character made such a huge cultural impact that like one of the most famous players on the planet at the time would be like, I would have never thought to do that. Thank God I saw Demolition Man.
You know what I mean? Well, yeah, but it's like, you know, how many Black action heroes came out with movies that year that had wacky haircuts. Presumably not that many. If you're gonna do it, I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Michael Dieter says if the guns in the museum hadn't been left loaded for decades, the movie would have been over a few minutes. Very funny, very true. So dumb.
But they kept the ammo. Yeah, units. One that you know. And ready to go. All the various, yeah, all the various types of ammo plus also laser guns. Yeah. By the way, the laser gun was lame. He was like, Oh my God, did you see it like took out that plank and you're like, Yeah, cool. Yeah. And then shot it 400 times with a machine gun first. Yeah, and then also he had a clear shot at his nemesis and instead of using his favorite gun that works every time he's like, Oh, I'm gonna use this one.
And he misses and the fight. Well, he missed exclusively. They all missed all the time.
Demolition Man is a Judge Dredd prequel.
I believe that. True. No, it's not. Did you guys know that I did have a TV show? All right.
Sandra got shafted in that movie. The brave hero knocks you out for her own good nonsense.
Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think by this point, my brain was tired of the movie a little bit. I gotta be honest. I think don't really know if I know what happens in the last 20 minutes. Oh, very cool. Ice fight scene anyway. Yeah.
Nice fight. Does the movie change if they didn't reveal the best of peoples already dead at the start? I think it would be a better character. He gets result but there's real consequences.
Oh, okay. I didn't even catch that. Oh, you didn't? Here's what I was saying right at the beginning. I thought you guys knew that. Yeah, he did. That's why I was saying they were all dead already. Yes.
So here's what I this was my like gut reaction pitch to fix the movie a tiny bit. I did not understand why he was being iced. Whatever for this specific thing with with no trial with no nothing with no no publicity. Do you know what I'm saying? Like there was like nothing in the movie that was like we believe that you didn't kill them but the public thinks you did. So like there was just nothing. It's because liberals hate cops and when liberals are in charge they're gonna they're gonna deign to punish the cops. I don't know.
I kind of was like what if instead they're gonna freeze Wesley Snipes and this cop who's so dedicated to his job is like if that guy has no baby simply being like if there if there ever is a potential for this guy to come out of cryogenic sleep I want to be there put me in just in case I should be a fail safe like this guy's not allowed to appear in the future without you having me ready to go knowing who he is and what he does like that like made more sense to me as like by honey my daughter yeah and also like and then then the honey and daughter being like you're a psycho why would you do this? Why would you leave us? And him being like I know that this sounds crazy but someday people somebody's gonna mess up and this guy's gonna be free and I'm gonna be the only person who can save the world and then it happens do you know what I mean? Like that's why There you go we rebooted with that angle with Pizza Hut instead of Taco Bell so that we don't have to localize it for other countries and then we get the guys from the raid to do it we get Gareth Edwards and all the Indonesian actors totally we made a billion dollars just now then we have Michael Sheen play the Wesley Snipes character as a nod to his character from 30 Rock who's named Wesley Snipes and it'll be fun and if this movie were made today we get a whole 10-minute scene explaining how to use the seashells because they don't let James I will write that I already have twist this is so long Vanna Murphy says Stallone claims that what you do is you use two seashells like chopsticks and you pull gently and scrape what's left with the third it's hard to say if it would actually work but they didn't really care okay because shells are supposed to go like this they're supposed to go like this you have to have a pretty healthy diet for that to be very effective well guess what they do like big old juicy shirt it's just like true you know like you know like like dog food cat food and stuff is just designed to make the poop predictable for the most part it's so that the tools are easy to pick up that's what it's happening so so talk about poop take that one away that's what's happening in society that's why okay that's why dog poop doesn't turn white anymore it's because all the dog food companies changed their formulas so that whatever was making white doesn't happen so it is formulated to make the poop a certain way as are the diets of the people in San Andreas or whatever it's uh yeah all food like Taco Bell it's you know their new slogan is like shell friendly turds Jordan straight nose tells me they used to win fights it's I was fighting as a child so it didn't matter my ears are screwed up because I used to wrestle and so I have some cauliflower year I mean like look if you break your nose no matter what age your nose is still messed up for life well but there were children trying to break it is my true I used to eat in the fights with kids when I was like a kid and like I'd get like pushed over a lot and like I um I remember multiple times sort of like waking up in a nurse's office or something sort of like a video game restarting and then like I like sort of I like not long ago was like yeah you know like you know you'd like lose consciousness when you were a kid you'd like wake up and it'd be like uh oh new game and people would be like I've never lost consciousness I was like maybe that's why my brain is so bad so you know we'll figure it out this is an important one you do have some heinous opinions Cyrus the Great says you morons are set wait I should do it at Jordan Peterson you morons are such cowards taking jabs at straight men is all you do because it's the norm besides you use every word insecure for every emotion talk about being tone deaf you woke moralists we definitely talked about this a lot during the podcast I can definitely look at exactly what we talked about during the podcast I got very much on a soapbox about like you know conservatives versus liberals and stuff but I think my broader point is that on either side of the debate in most cases one side good people oftentimes intentionally yeah but one side often intentionally misunderstands the other side and that happens in both directions so that's kind of what I was saying although I do think that it's oftentimes more intentional I think you're being awoke moralists cancel this bitch I mean certainly in I wish I'd had more time to prepare if I'd known this was coming I would have had some chest exercises all right so we've got some recommendations I'm just going to throw out wizards cool I don't know but you didn't pay me for it I would watch that I have not seen any Ralph Bakshi movie besides the weird Lord of the Rings ones that were animated that are nightmare fuel so I'm excited by that last action hero I've always wanted to see oh that would be dude that would be great we should definitely that's uh that's Shane Black right he wrote it oh I don't know doesn't matter he wrote it I know this what if Wesley Snipes was DM and Jackie Chan was the villain I dig that yeah DM being demolition man not the dungeon master you nerd I can see your eyes glazing over as you dreamt of dragons and dungeons all right um we could also do The Rock that's also a movie that would be yeah I think that'd be a good one too somebody wants to do oh Anime Titties is back yay all right great so whatever we talked about some stuff we we finally took out those woke moralists they'll never come back to our yeah we we won't can I just say really good comment I just saw David Williamson says it's like locking Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson in a room and telling them to figure it out figure it out figure it out figure it out you have bastards are starting to get a lot more of a rogue all right all right let's do alternate titles yeah good because I also have to teach at 5 30 so I'm going to tell you my oh yeah yeah we should just get out all right I already told you my my one was the three seashell problem thank you I also had cold fuzz the guy's frozen yeah and then I was just thinking you know it's funny because it's like this guy comes back to life and he's been gone for a while and it takes place in California specifically so just like this is a new title but what if it was called Encino Man maybe there's a certain ring to that yeah I know it's like there's that's like it's like a good title that's a great title uh those are mine good Jesse what you got okay Murder Death Kill but said in the weird way that Sandra Bullock says it at the beginning what's your boggle uh did you also has anyone ever played MDK the computer game I feel like I've never seen anyone else ever talk about it ever it's great I think it might stand for Murder Death Kill but it wasn't like that it was like sci-fi and there's moving cities and you shoot them it was great what's your boggle right what's your boggle okay the future liberals want and finally she smells seashells wow very good she sells I think smells she smells anime titties also gave us that one okay it's important that you hear me when I say she smells seashells somebody's somebody's texted me and I can't tell because it's on my oh somebody's texting me that they like my Jordan Peterson but I can't tell because my iMessage doesn't thank you you woke more or less all right so I already did this one all right so my alternates were insecure heterosexual males just to get people to get in the comments and yell at me which I think and they certainly did it worked a most disagreeable whacking because at one point he says or she says that sounds a whacking sounds most disagreeable or something like that rat burger and then somebody else whoever pitched stunt tits I really enjoyed that so we're going to leave that anime titties says fast food wars pretty good iceman cometh very good he said he does it he does cometh he pulls his hat off well he should have cometh it was his fault he went to one of those kiosks afterward and had it jerk him off or whatever he did or you're just it's not canon David made the joke about plays and not me and so I don't get paid by the big big theater corporation David gets out David gets the payment today welcome to rat burger home of the rat burger very nice love that nineties love it love it Spartan V Phoenix John of Justice honestly probably a better title usage of that three CCL guesswork love that um taco shells tacos two shells wow nice um scatterbrained black Phoenix down black Phoenix down feels so uncomfortable I don't know if I like that um so anyway whatever is the most likely to get us clicks as well canceled canceled or canceled Angela Barra says this is a message and gave us two dollars wow thank you Angel sorry Angel thank you I really appreciate you guys gave us a weird amount of money and I wish this was quite a lot and I sort of anybody besides Ali was getting paid for this well that's fine look you all can watch a Serbian film without me and tell me what you guys think I'll probably just cry I'll make my daughter watch it just to make you all feel oh yeah that's good definitely oh but when's bring your daughter to work day anyway you walk more or less trying to get me to not make my daughter watch a Serbian film can't we like watch another like watch something that's weird but isn't that like they're like why not watch like any other like Tarkovsky weird film do you know what I mean? because like for somebody to give us seventy dollars to do this or eighty dollars or whatever is more than we make in like eight of these because we don't that's true I can't even turn monetization on this is just at this point I have to assume for the love of the game it's either for the love of the game or something sexual like just being like yes yes I got people to watch it so I don't know so oh yeah I nope that accent's different too oh yeah yeah just watch that while you don't yeah shove it up your Easter while you all right so we're live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m next week is apparently a freaking Serbian film we've been paid to do it this is sponsored by Jason or that might be the following we whatever we'll I don't know well see you on the first depends on if we have a guest that we care about and if we don't we're going to make and watch a Serbian film please subscribe to us on the YouTubes which is where you are and you know beyond that Miss Alice Nutting where can we find you you know at Miss Alice Nutting any of the places where you'd expect to find a person I suppose thank you yeah find me on Twitter at Iceman whatever you'll figure it out yeah find me on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding and you know technically I do have my own YouTube channel and I don't plug it very much because I don't make videos for it but if numbers went up over there I wouldn't be upset I never know you need a golden parachute I got 299 subscribers so I think I'm starting my own competing company soon wow wow wow anyway that's it just you know cancel this and all that we'll see you next week and we'll watch something and I would like to wish our audience a very merry be fucked quick turn it off turn it off I've always wanted to see that dude that would be great we should definitely that's uh that's Shane Black right he wrote it oh I don't know doesn't matter he wrote it I know this what if Wesley Snipes was DM and Jackie Chan was the villain I dig that yeah DM being demolition man not the dungeon master you nerd I can see your eyes glazing over as you dreamt of dragons and dungeons all right we could also do The Rock that's also a movie that would be yeah I think that'd be a good one too somebody wants to do oh Anime Titties is back yay all right great so whatever we talked about some stuff we finally took out those woke moralists and they'll never come back to our yeah we will can I just say really good comment I just saw David Williamson says it's like locking Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson in a room and telling them to figure it out figure it out figure it out figure it out yeah you have bastards are starting to get a lot more of a rogue all right so here's what we're doing all right let's do alternate titles yeah good because I also have to teach at 5.30 so I'm going to tell you my oh yeah yeah we should let's get out all right I already told you my my one was the three seashell problem thank you um I also had cold fuzz the guy's frozen and then I was just thinking you know it's funny because it's like this guy comes back to life and he's been gone for a while and it takes place in California specifically so just like this is a new title but what if it was called Encino Man maybe there's a certain ring to that yeah I know it's like that's like it's like a good title that's a great title uh those mine love it good Jesse what do you got? okay uh Murder Death Kill but said in the weird way that Sandra Bullock says it at the beginning what's your boggle? uh did you also has anyone ever played MDK the computer game I feel like I've never seen anyone else ever talk about it ever it's great I think it might stand for Murder Death Kill but it wasn't like that it was like sci-fi and there's moving cities and you shoot them it was great what's your boggle right in the tail what's your boggle? okay the future liberals want and finally she smells seashells wow very good she sells I think smells she smells anime titties also gave us that one okay it's important that you hear me when I say she smells seashells oh my god um somebody's somebody's texting me and I can't tell because it's on my somebody's texting me that they like my Jordan Peterson but I can't tell because my iMessage doesn't thank you you woke more or less all right so I already did this one all right so my alternates were insecure heterosexual males just to get people to get in the comments and yell at me which I think and they certainly did it worked a most disagreeable whacking because at one point she's he says or she says that sounds a whacking sounds most disagreeable or something like that rat burger and then somebody else whoever pitched stunt tits I really enjoyed that so we're going to leave that anime titties says fast food wars pretty good ice man cometh very good he said he doesn't because he does he does cometh he pulls his hat off well he should have cometh it was his fault he went to one of those kiosks afterward and had it jerk him off or whatever he did you're just this is it's not canon David made the joke about play is not me and so I don't get paid by the big you know big big theater corporation David gets out David gets the payment today welcome to rat burger home of the rat burger very nice love that nineties love it love it spartan v phoenix john of justice honestly probably a better title usage of that three CCL guesswork love that taco shells tacos two shells wow scatterbrained black girls phoenix down black phoenix down feels uncomfortable I don't know if I like that so anyway whatever is the most likely to get us clicks as well Angela Barra says this is a message and gave us two dollars for angel sorry angel thank you I really appreciate you guys gave us a weird amount of money and I wish yeah this was quite a lot and I I'm sort of anybody besides Ali was getting paid for this well that's fine look you all can watch a Serbian film without me and tell me what you guys think I'll probably just cry I'll make my daughter watch it just to make you all feel oh yeah that's good definitely when's bring your daughter to work day anyway you walk more or less trying to get me to not make my daughter watch Serbian films can't we like watch another like watch something that's weird but isn't that like they're like why not watch like any other like Tarkovsky weird film do you know what I mean? Because like for somebody to give us seventy dollars to do this or eighty dollars or whatever is more than we make in like eight of these because we don't that's true I can't even turn monetization on this is just this point I have to assume the love of the game it's just it's either for the love of the game or something sexual like I'm just being like yes yes I got people to watch it so I don't know oh yeah nope that accent's different too oh yeah yeah just watch that while you don't yeah shove it up your keister while you all right so we're live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m next week is apparently a freaking Serbian film we've been paid to do it this is sponsored by Jason or that might be the following we whatever we'll I don't know well see you on the first it depends on if we have a guest that we care about and if we don't we're going to make and watch a Serbian film please subscribe to us on the YouTubes which is where you are and you know beyond that Miss Alice Nutting where can we find you you know at Miss Alice Nutting any of the places where you'd expect to find a person I suppose thank you yeah find me on Twitter at Iceman whatever you'll figure it out yeah find me on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding and you know technically I do have my own YouTube channel and I don't plug it very much because I don't make videos for it but if numbers went up over there I wouldn't be upset you never know you need a golden parachute I got 299 subscribers so I think I'm starting my own competing company soon wow wow wow anyway that's it just you know cancel this and all that we'll see you next week and we'll watch something and I would like to wish our audience a very merry be fucked quick turn it off turn it off |
dropout | hardly_working_yoga_class | Allowing your forehead to rest comfortably on the back. Beginning to connect, feel. Doing something else, right? Just honour your body and what it can give you today. Okay, now, I haven't been to this class before, but you made me take use.
Yo! Gah! Okay. Get it? It's already enough. Okay, don't embarrass me. I'm serious. Shoes off, hose down. Yo, dibs on the red one behind the dude. Jesus, is it a full moon or did you just not shave today? And exhale, creasing at those elbows, lowering down slowly. Nice.
Woah!
I can't get this one. You're not even trying. That one can get tiny. Get a deep inhale. Huh?
To truly know one's self. One must truly know one's...
Campbellton! Great. This guy's beanbag is all up in my grill. And then on your next inhale... What? I can see it all. All of it. One of you must have a good weed, Kenneth.
Who is it? Louder. I can't hear. What? Coach!
Oh, my MFing hammies are ripping in half.
This one hurts.
You're just sitting Indian style.
Coach, she's talking to me. Don't call her Coach. Coach, she won't stop.
This isn't a baseball game. What's baseball?
Hot as balls in here, right? I'd take off my coat, but all that left is charred remains of skin.
Called this working out. You're just laying on the ground. Bit of toe coming through.
Just saying. All right, who beefed? Hold me in here for free. I'm serious. If it were me, I would say so, but it wasn't. And I know you're all looking at me, because I'm the new guy. Nate Trotron. Hey, quick cue.
I never want to get Jamba Juice when we're done. Pinkberry, red mango, any Korean yogurt. |
TheOnion | Wes_Anderson_Reteams_With_Favorite_Objects_For_Grand_Budapest_Hotel | The trailer for Wes Anderson's new film, The Grand Budapest Hotel, is out, and fans are delighted to see the Rushmore director reunite with his cast of go-to things. Anderson spoke to Rolling Stone about directing the beloved mainstays, saying, quote, I'm so excited to be working with old elevators, rotary phones, taxidermied animals, and outmoded military hats again. These items feel like my family. Screen scene blogger Kyle Kennedy, it's great to see this stuff back together. It really is, Carly. Modern regulars like handwritten notes, antique bathtubs, dingy fur coats, Renaissance-style portraits and vintage luggage are also set to return for the ensemble film. Well, vintage luggage is no surprise, as it's appeared in all of Anderson's films since Bottle Rocket. It just has such good chemistry with brass-handled steamer trunks and hat boxes. Anderson loves discovering hot new knick knacks.
That is right. He said he wrote the script specifically with sleds and cartoonish prison outfits in mind. Expect this movie to do for them what Life Aquatic did for tobacco pipes and red beanie caps. Plenty to look forward to. |
dropout | hardly_working_time_traveler_2 | Yes! We only need the world class series. I told you. That noise. Sarah. Eureka, it's worked.
My quantum timepiece has once again propelled me fessways into the future. Oh my god, what is going on? Not what future girl, but when's going on? I'm from the past. You see, here to study your technological curiosities. Oh my god.
Tell me, have you shrunken these little men and forced them into this box to entertain you? Hello there, tiny sirs. Might I have one of you as a gift for her majesty?
It all makes sense now, but what, pray tell, is that strange glassy stone. Glass.
Ass. Truly remarkable, yeah. Didn't you have glass in your time? You just use it as an adjective. Oh, good lord!
Watch out, future man. Some strange cloth-like slug has attached itself to your legs. Get the hell off of me, you idiot. These are pants, okay, pants. You have them in your time. You're wearing a pair right now. The cloth slug is spreading. Look, don't just stand there, man. Use those advanced fleshy 21st century claws on the end of your arms. Hands?
Hey, what's going on with the game? Did I miss anything? Are you just telling me that in your tiptopsy-turvy world, the human eats the chicken? What's wrong with you, man? Have you no soul? Are you some sort of goblin for a barrier? Okay, wait. Does that mean in your time chickens ate humans, or... I'm just kind of confusing.
Stay back, future man. Stay back, or I will end her with this metallic, shiny...
Knife, okay? It's the oldest tool in the world. It's a knife you want to stab into Sarah's jugular.
Shut up, man! Roderick, there you are! Professor! Look out! Stand back!
These future men are horrible, advanced beasts with glass and pants and other horrible devices. How many times have I told you not to steal my quantum timepiece, Roderick? So, he's not a time traveler. Him? Oh, no, no. He's an idiot.
He cleans up my lab for scraps. He lives in my cellar.
Then I do a good job of it, too. Certainly. Then shall we go, Roderick? Yes, Professor. Fine.
Wow, so the whole time he was just really dumb. Yeah, but I don't get us how someone that stupid could even use it.
Oh, sweet! Oh, sorry. Here, try it again, shall we? What wonderful work! Oh. Give me that, old girl! No! Please do it myself! No, Professor, don't strike me! Don't leave me! We go! I'm keeping this. |
SaturdayNightLive | keke_palmer_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kiki Palmer! very much. Uh, I'm so excited to be here in New York! I'm the transplant, and most importantly, it's Sagittarius season. And that's good for me because I'm a sagittarius Moon, Honey. yes, I am very into astrology. and I know all the bros out there are gonna say astrology's not real. And to that I say, how's that Crypto going? Now, this has been an awesome year for me. I was in Jordan Peele's Nope. not true, but it's not lying if I'm manifesting. those things you just learn to do in this business. manifest, Honey. I've been acting since I was nine years old. my first big role was in a movie I did called the Key Lender Bee.
Great experience. I had so much fun. except for when I got yelled at by Lawrence Fishburne. No, for real, for real. we were doing a dramatic scene, and I just started laughing at his ass. But, guys, I had a good reason. Just imagine it, okay? I'm a little kid watching a 40-year-old man cry to me about winning a National Spelling Bee. it was hysterical. But when I started laughing, he read me for feel. he was like, you know, you can't do this. this is not what real actors do. And my mama, she went off on him, y'all. Okay, she is so Chicago. she started screaming, I don't care if you was in a Matrix. I don't want what you said. this is good times.
And I honestly do appreciate that he did that. I mean, even though it wasn't tense, I mean, he taught me how to be a professional in real time, you know? And I've taken lessons from everyone I've worked with.
Aziz Ansari recently gave me some good advice on being Snl. he was like, Kiki, just get up on stage. you know, you're funny. you're funnier than me And I'm Aziz. he didn't exactly say that, but that's what I heard. delusional queen. I'm especially glad to be here, though, because there's some rumors going around. people have been in my comments saying, Kiki's having a baby. Kiki's pregnant. and I want to set the record straight. I am. with people on the internet, spread rumors about you, y'all. But it's even worse when they're correct. I mean, like, I was trying so hard to keep it on a down low because I got a lot of stuff going on. you know, people kept coming up to me, congratulations. I'm like, shh, can y'all stop? I got a liquor sponsorship on the line. you have to check clear, then we can get to the damn baby, y'all. But honestly, this has been the biggest blessing, and I am so excited, guys.
I'm going to be a mom. it's a little weird about me having a baby because I was a child actor. I just want to say, look, I'm 29, I'm grown, okay? I have sex, I own a home, I stormed the Capitol on January 6th. you know, things adults do. I'm kidding. y'all know I'm the same person I always been, and I'm proud of that.
Matter of fact, when I first got into comedy and I dreamed of standing on this stage, I asked myself, Kiki, who will you be? You know, will you be like a Maya Rudolph, Addie Murphy, a Kristen Wiig type? And now that I'm here, I can tell you exactly who I am. Baby, I'm Kiki Palmer. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Discover_90_Percent_Of_Earth_s_Atmosphere_Made_From_Thoughts_Prayers | The Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library opens in a pitch-dark, sulfurous underground cave. A jihadist woman wishes her sons would be more like those Tsarnaev boys. And a seedless watermelon is coming to grips with the fact it'll never be able to have kids. From under a pile of bloodied web videos, it emerges now stronger than ever before. This is The Onion Week in Review. Following a litany of tragedies occurring over the past year, a report this week from scientists at Princeton University confirmed that 90% of the Earth's atmosphere is now made up of thoughts and prayers. Researchers confirmed that with the rise of tragic events occurring all across the world each and every day, the Earth's atmosphere is 7% nitrogen, 3% oxygen, and 90% emotional pleas begging for everything to be okay.
On Tuesday, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States, expressing her continued disbelief that the President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, President Pro Tem, Secretary of State, Secretary of Treasury, Secretary of Defense, and Attorney General were all in that hot air balloon. Jewell, a 57-year-old Seattle businesswoman who was confirmed as Interior Secretary less than three weeks ago, acknowledged the challenges ahead for the nation and noted how strange it was that Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Patrick Leahy, John Kerry, Jacob Lew, Chuck Hagel, and Eric Holder all agreed to climb into the same hot air balloon and questioned the probability of that hot air balloon crashing to the ground. It is with tremendous humility that I assume this Office of President of the United States and extend my deepest condolences to the families of Barack Obama and the seven government officials who were all killed in the bizarre hot air balloon accident this week. I can honestly say I never saw this coming.
Widely hailed as one of the hottest online personalities today, 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman has quickly become one of the most prominent and prolific Twitter users and makes roughly $28,000 at his job as an administrative assistant. Wasserman, who receives no benefits from his employer, regularly engages in conversations with high-profile celebrities, makes lists of essential Twitter accounts to follow, and takes the bus to work from the two-bedroom apartment he shares with a 23-year-old he met on Craigslist. For me, social media is an ongoing conversation, and whether it's Facebook or Twitter or even Instagram, I'm just trying to bring my unique perspective to everybody. I just had a Google Glass tweet that Questlove retweeted again, so KPL, this is Ryan.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I totally forgot. Hang on, just give me a second. I can call him right now. And in sports this week, Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace came out as a stupid asshole. In other news, a new study finds nothing that will actually convince you to change your lifestyle, so just forget it. UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in applied domestic terrorism and a sparrow thinks it might have caught the bird flu after puking seeds all morning. Stay tuned after the video for a brief tear in the fabric of space-time, offering a glimpse at next week's Onion Review, and keep checking TheOnion.com for more. |
dropout | the_trial_of_a_dead_guy | Hey! We did it! Sort of. Shit, this is bad. We're straddling the Q dimension in our timeline. This isn't stable! But we're halfway back. Yes! We're in Rome in the year 897.
The perfect place to show you how unjust justice can be. That man is the organizer, prosecutor, and judge of a charade of a trial.
Pope Steven VI. Ah, Pope Steve. The defendant was a previous pope. Pope Formosus. I thought new popes were only announced when the old one died. That's right. Pope Formosus had been dead for seven months.
What the fuck? Bring in the defendant. It's my nightmare.
This trial, the cadaver synod, marked the beginning of one of the most corrupt eras in the history of the papacy, known as, no joke, the Pornocracy. I may just be a simple country pope, but where I come from, people clean up before coming to court. Formosus' corpse was accused of perjury, holding two bishoprics against canon law and rising to the papacy illegally. Well, answer me this, Formosus, if that is your real name. How is it that you became pope if Pope John VIII has communicated you in 878?
I don't think he's gonna answer. No. That's why Pope Steven had a young deacon crouch behind the corpse and answer for it. Oh, pardon the flies. Um, I don't know. Oh. How convenient.
The clergy watched as Pope Steven insulted and screamed at the corpse, only occasionally letting the intimidated deacons speak. Unsurprisingly, Formosus was found guilty. He was stripped of his vestments. Have three fingers of his right hand cut off. Don't be blessing anything anymore. And was buried in the graveyard for outsiders and foreigners. And all your actions as pope shall be declared null and void. Wasn't one of those actions making you a bishop?
Okay, okay, okay. That party's still valid, but all the other points are just... Everyone shut up, okay? So sayeth the pope.
I can't believe this. Why even bother? The dude was dead.
Most people think it was political theater. Pope Steven and Pope Formosus were in different political factions. This could have been a way for Steven to delight his allies and terrify his enemies. On second thought, throw him in the Tiber River instead. Oh, come on. I just reburied him. John, his fucking pose is just not... But he could have just been insane. Either way, people don't fuck with that brand of crazy. Actually, people loved Formosus and thought this was all weird as shit. It wasn't long before a mob dragged Pope Steven into prison.
What? What is this? Oh, someone do something.
Months later, he was strangled to death in his cell. Subsequent popes annulled the trial, had Formosus' body pulled from the river, and restored to St. Peter's Cathedral.
So, everything worked out? Sure!
Until the early 900s, when Pope Sergius had Pope Formosus posthumously excommunicated. Ugh! Move the Pope here. Move the Pope there. Then it was a sham of a trial whose outcome depended entirely on who was in charge at the time.
You like that episode of What The Fuck 101? I have good news. There's way more of it over on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium, ad-free, and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial. Oh, shit. |
dropout | my_super_not_chill_ghost_roommate_ep_2 | What are you doing? Ah, one second. Your computer's messed up. I'm just trying to fix it. Okay, get up. Okay, one second. I think I legit fucked something here. Okay, well get up.
Fine! Jeez, Louise's. Enjoy, alright? Have fun. What is this?
Sometimes when I get nervous, I start sweating this goo thing again. I don't know. Yeah, they can make me worse though. Disgusting.
Why are you on my computer in the first place? I already told you I have a gay-ass Dell desktop computer and my dad won't buy me a new one because I died! Oh, is that a MacBook or a MacBook Pro?
How about you just leave? Shunting tells me you won't be very pissed when you check your Facebook status update. I changed it. Really? Why don't you just get me a towel? Right now. Did you check yet? It's fly as shit. No, I haven't. I don't want you going on my Facebook and it's...
Okay, it says, I'm at the gym hooking up with a hottie. Hit up the cell. Awesome. No, that's pretty. Oh, but I said it's silly, which is like a new cool way of saying it. Remember, I told you to say it like that last week.
Why are you still here? I told you I choked on a golf ball 12 years ago and I can't leave. No, I mean why are you still in my room? Okay, I guess I think I know when I'm not wanted. Don't just turn invisible, I know you're still here.
Oh, let me make you one of my patented smoothies. They are redonkey lips. Did you download Kaza? I thought this was dead. Thank you. Is this too loud? Yes. Oh my ghost. Oh, this is insane.
Come here and smell it. Unless you can smell it from over there. Can you smell it from there? Is that why you're not coming here?
Okay, you give me a dollar to drink this. I'm just going to do it and you're going to owe me a buck. You're fine with straight owing me cash. Okay, I did it. Okay, it's a dollar right there and I'll just take it off the 20 that I borrowed from you earlier.
Remember? Okay, are you pissed at me? |
TheOnion | How_To_Feel_Emotions_When_Holding_Your_Newborn_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Okay, I got an email from Bert in Illinois today who says that holding his newborn elicits no response in him. He feels absolutely nothing. And he attached a picture.
Let's take a look. All right, we get variations on this question all the time, so don't worry. Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody likes newborns. It's kind of like money or diamonds. We assign value to something, so, you know, we decide that it is value. But if you think about it, a newborn baby doesn't inherently have value, bone, which you can get anywhere, lymph nodes and skin and junk, which you can go to a butcher shop and spend a couple of dollars and get. You're feeling odd or monstrous because you're not hit by some overwhelming sense of humility and awe when you hold this baby thing.
But what is it exactly? I don't know. Nobody knows. It's a mystery.
It's basically just a feces skin bag at this point, so I think you could be forgiven. But this is a very easy one to trouble hack.
All you have to do is remember one simple phrase, act as if you know what you're supposed to feel when you hold a baby. So act as if you feel that way. You want to say something like, oh, my God, oh, my God, it's a perfect catch all. Definitely conveys the sense of awe and profound feeling that people pretend to have when they hold a baby. You're going to want to say things like, I love my baby or I never thought I could love something this much. And I promise you, pretty soon you won't feel like a grotesque void person anymore. Oh, and if you can tear up, that will definitely communicate that you understand the profound implications of creating another human life and that your emotions are just overwhelmed at this point.
Now, all of these solutions don't fix the underlying problem that newborn babies inherently have no value and that our entire economy of love is built on sand. But that's another trouble hacking vid, and I'm not doing two for one, OK?
Not anymore. All right. Thanks for watching. Bye bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_103_Lucy_Zelic | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petutor Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Petutor Advocate radio show, live from the Budgie Smuggler bedroom this week as we continue the podcasting, just to give everyone a little something to keep sane in these uncertain times.
Obviously, we will be talking a little bit about the pandemic this week, but there's still a lot more going on in the world, even though everyone's inside, there's a lot going on in the world. And there's also in these uncertain times, a lot of uncertainty.
So to join us today, we have Lucy Zellich, sports journalist, and I guess you could say soccer icon, football icon. Sorry, Lucy.
I'm not an icon. I'm definitely not an icon. Oh, I got the football bit right.
Can I just ask before we get this going, what is the Budgie Smuggler bedroom look like? Well, there's currently two of them going on at the moment because both Errol and I are in quarantine. So there's two different ones that usually we're in a Budgie Smuggler recording studio, but we thought we'd keep mentioning our sponsors even though they're nowhere in sight. I haven't got the NBN at my place. So I've had to hotspot off the telephone sort of boxes down the road.
So I'm out in public, so it's a little bit of a risk, but are there any people around? Not up here in Batutah Heights, but you know, the Today Show and other shows of that ilk have got people scared and worried about this virus. Are you not scared or worried?
Oh, well, you know, this isn't my first pandemic, so. Were you all around for the Spanish flu were you? No, I was around for Ebola, SARS, MERS, but you know.
Of course, you know, I was around the brief spike in interest that this country had in soccer a few years ago in the World Cup when we won a couple of games in Japan and everyone hopped on the train. Have you gotten off the train since? Like any good fan of the soccer is, you know, I only tend to hop on the train every four years. And then it's usually a short little trip from Redfern into Central.
So it's a tricky one, actually, getting behind the soccer rules in times like this when Italian restaurants aren't open at three in the morning, or we're not playing any games. That's probably the first biggest problem in all of this, isn't it? Now, with all the sports shutting down, you know, I'm wondering what the big gambling companies are doing, they're probably twiddling their thumbs and very nervous about the uncertainty you referred to before. So there's a lot happening in the world at the moment. I saw on my online gambling account that I have that you're able to bet on the weather now.
No. Yep. Yeah.
You're able to bet what the maximum temperature will be over or under some remote kind of camel racing or something going on around the world somewhere, wouldn't there? You know, some some obscure animal hunting honey badgers or something out in the desert.
You can gamble on table tennis in Turkey, I think it is. I think that's still going. Not that we're not that we're encouraging people to gamble, of course, you know, and if you do bet responsibly. It's terrible. No, only gamble if you know your horse is going to win. That's what I say.
So Lucy, you've been around football, particularly in Australia, but Australian sport kind of long enough to see this rise of online gambling. Have you noticed anything drastic change in the way we cover sport or in fact broadcast sport in this country? Because of the gambling, would you say? Yeah. There has been a massive influx, but I feel like it's kind of been a part of sport for so long, hasn't it? You know, whenever you're talking about games and this sort of stretches back to when I was a kid going through high school and college, particularly when I was in year 11 and 12, you know, I used to walk down to the TAB and have a punt with a few school buddies every week. Yeah, it was just a cheeky 20 bucks, but we kind of, we enjoyed that spectacle aspect of it and it sort of made watching the games that little bit more fun, you know, but there are, I understand, extreme levels of gambling where people are ending up in unfortunate situations and losing their homes and their livelihood as a result of it. You know, I seem to think it's a bit of fun every now and again.
I mean, look, the 80 million, I mean, I'm still disgusted that I didn't win that, that massive jackpot. I mean, what's going on here? Why, why am I in a situation where I can't win the lotto? I'm always seeing that it's, you know, I was a healthcare worker up north, somebody here and I'm not saying the healthcare worker doesn't deserve it, but why can't it be me?
So that's the extent that I'll take my gambling to, but look, the way that it's changed it is I think that, you know, we're in a situation now where a lot more people are tuning in because of that gambling and betting aspect, you know, it's no longer about the sport and tuning in for the spectacle and the enjoyment element. It's grown to be a much bigger beast. So the way that we cover it, you know, for us, we obviously have developed partnerships with online and just betting companies in general over the years. And it's great to have their support in that respect financially, but ultimately for the viewers, you know, like I said, it's not just about the game anymore. There's so much more to it.
You kind of grew up, you've lived it, football particularly your entire life, Croatian family. And in fact, I'm not sure, Canberra you grew up in, do they have the same thing going on in Canberra as they do in other cities around Australia where in fact, some of the now institutional football clubs were just started off as a Croatian ethnic club. Yeah. So the club that I sort of grew up with was called Croatia Deakin. And that was sort of our local football club where both of my brothers got their starts in junior football and pretty much their rise through football came via these community clubs before they went and kicked on at various national soccer league clubs elsewhere in New South Wales. But they too were also across New South Wales and right around the country ethnic-based clubs. So Sydney Croatia, which has since changed also to Sydney United, you know, and you had Marconi Stallions, you had Sydney Olympic who were a predominantly Greek club. You know, all of these were clubs that were built off the back of these immigrants that had come across to Australia and had already had and developed an affinity with the game and decided to sort of forge their identities and their connection to the country through football.
Which I think is a really beautiful narrative that not a lot of other sports can encompass, you know, and that's the one thing that sort of sets football apart from many of the other codes globally. So for me, growing up in that environment was pretty special because I got to embrace my own Croatian heritage, but learn about the heritage through the sport and, you know, that real community aspect, you know, a lot of the old codgers getting together and firing up the barbecue and eating cevapi sandwiches and having a jibber about football. That was really fun for me and that's sort of where I developed my love for the game. So for me to end up in this position in the first place, you know, ultimately I'd always had a love for football, but it's an opportunity for me to relive that nostalgia through the game and through my job. So that's sort of what I really very much enjoy.
But then we sort of saw this massive shift to move away from that, you know, we wanted to de-ethnicise the clubs and I understood that position because we wanted to make these clubs available to all Australians. So it didn't necessarily feel like, well, if I'm not Croatian, then I can't support this club and so it goes down the chain, whether you're Italian or Greek or Macedonian, whatever. But then what I realised when we did that was that, well, we'd kind of taken away the opportunity for these immigrants to congregate and to find their home again. They've since changed their minds and it was called the National Club Identity Policy. So what they did was they've stripped that now and they've said to clubs, all right, if you want to go back to embracing your heritage and calling it, say, Canberra, Croatia or Sydney, Croatia, if that's what you want to do, you can do that.
But I think, you know, when they when they did it originally, they sucked the soul out of it. And it's probably left a lot of fans a bit disenchanted at this point now. So I think maybe the damage has been done.
But look, it was a great time, a great era growing up in that period because the football was great. I mean, a lot of the footballing identities that we developed were just fantastic. They were part of that great golden generation that we've all kind of loved to covet and and to reminisce about now, particularly given where we are as a footballing nation. So they were good times, good days.
And I still miss them, to be honest.
Do you remember the first skippy to play for Croatia Deakin? The first skippy to play for Croatia Deakin?
Nah, that's nah, you're asking too much of me there. And I don't even know if we had skippies back then. They probably only came, you know, in recent years. So, yeah, that's that's going too far back in the encyclopedia for me.
Anyway, I'll just interrupt things now for a special message from one of our partners. Life is pretty tough right now for a lot of people, and this can really impact our mental health. Yes, it really can, Clancy. And even if you're stuck at home, it's still so important to stay connected. In fact, it's more important now than ever, really. Too right.
If you have a mental health issue, the same forums are a place where you can talk online to people who get it. They know what you're going through because they've been there too. The community on the forums discuss all sorts of experiences. So you're sure to find someone like you who can help you feel less alone. Yeah, true that. The forums are completely free and they're anonymous. And mental health professionals are always there in the background 24-7. So you'll always feel safe and supported while you're on there. Sign up right now and chat to others at sane.org slash forums, because physical distancing doesn't have to mean social distancing. That's right, Clancy, and that's sane.org forward slash forums. They care because they've been there.
Now back to the show. You also are a Liverpool fan. Can you just explain to our listeners? I mean, we've got a big kind of listenership across Queensland. And of course, you know, same thing happened there, but probably not as visible. How do you explain to someone who doesn't follow football the following of clubs in the EPL? I mean, people do do it a lot more now. You hear people say, I'm a Lakers fan. Yeah.
Like, how can you go for a team in the EPL? Like, say, for example, if I went for Man U, I've never been to Manchester. But, you know, there are people out there who follow these teams with such, you know, panache. How would you describe that to someone who doesn't follow football?
How does that type of manifest itself? How does this happen? You know, it's a really interesting concept because now just listening to it, it actually sounds really stupid. It's like, why are you supporting this club when you've never been there before? Like, it's it's really it's such a foreign concept to so many people on the outside of the bubble that, you know, when you articulate it in that way, it does sound ridiculous. But, you know, for those of us on the inside, it doesn't.
Like, I've never I'm a Liverpool fan and I've actually never been to Liverpool. I've never seen them live, which is a great disgrace for me.
But I'll get there. I promise you I will. But the thing is right.
So the way that I came to support Liverpool was because obviously growing up in a football family, my brother, who's close in age to me, Ivan, he was going to football training one day and I was like his guide dog. And by that, I mean I followed this poor bastard everywhere. Not freaking shake me. But I loved him so much. He was my best friend growing up and we're still very close to this day.
But, you know, and I remember as he was heading out the door, he had this Liverpool kit bag with him. It was his training bag. And I said, what's that bag? I was six years old, mind you. So what's that bag?
And he said, this is the first and only football club that you will support for the rest of your life. And don't you forget it. Right. And that stuck with me. It's so crazy because I still remember that day. And that's just sort of how I fell into it. And it's the story.
It's a story that's not entirely uncommon across, you know, the football community, because for so many of them, you just end up supporting the club that your family supports. Right. Or that your friends support, whoever that may be. So, you know, for a lot of you Queenslanders, I'm sure, you know, what, you know, why do you support a particular club in rugby league or wherever it is? You know, it's because, well, that's your hometown club or or that's the club that your father said, you know, you're going to support. So for me, that's that's how my love affair with Liverpool started. And you're right that, you know, the support that goes into it is vociferous and almost ferocious at times. You know, when you look at derby games that are played, the fans just get right into it. But we're talking about, you know, centuries, a century over a century of history here. So the fans are very rightfully so passionate about their club. But then this is what they ultimately live for, because for us, you know, football takes on, as I said before, with reference to gambling. But with the support, it takes on a completely different form when the game starts.
You know, this is something that's free from any any concerns about, say, pandemics. You know, when the games were still playing a couple of weeks ago, that was an opportunity for us to to sort of forget what's going on in the rest of the world, whether it's political, whether it's health related. You know, whether it's race related, religious, you know, all that sort of falls away. And that for me is the beauty of football, is that it's an escape for a lot of people.
I think you're going to be greatly underwhelmed when you finally get to Liverpool. You reckon? I've heard the rumor is you actually probably shouldn't walk alone in Liverpool.
Good call. I like that. It's very clever. Oh, look, I'm looking forward to going to the stadium. You know, my other half, he's been there. And he said it's just it's something really special about it. So I'm looking forward to that day.
But I've just got to I've got to bloody win the lotto. Like I said before, what I mean, I've got to win the lotto and bugger off and take a football sabbatical, which I'm looking forward to at some point.
Now, you are in that golden age you talk about earlier. You got to spend a bit of time with Les Murray. Yes, I did. And he was one of the household names before household names existed in football in Australia. Yeah.
Can you tell us what you kind of learned from from Les? Was there any any standout kind of tips in that? Was it was it was it a mentorship type scenario?
It was, but by accident, you know, it was one of those things where whoever worked with Les, you inevitably felt like you were being mentored because of how just how I don't even know how to do this man justice when I talk about him, just how magnetic his personality was and the depth of his knowledge and how wise he was. I mean, he'd been around the game for so long that whenever you were in his company, there was always something to learn. So, you know, for me to call him a mentor, I mean, it's 100 percent accurate. But I think a lot of people that worked closely with him could say the exact same thing because you just develop that relationship with him so easily and you always look to him for advice.
And that was sort of one of the things when I first started there. I mean, having grown up as a kid and seeing him on the telly and, you know, my dad saying to me as a young kid to shut up because, you know, Les is on TV. You know, you're like knew him. So to walk into the halls of SBS and to actually meet the guy and sit and be in his company, you know, that was such a surreal experience for me. And it still is to this day because of what he meant to so many Australians and not just those who were embedded within the football community. I mean, I distinctly remember actually this period of my life, I was a pretty heavy smoker. I no longer smoke now, but I'd gone upstairs to the SBS cafe and I was sitting down and I actually, you know, I just walked in and I saw Les sitting in the corner. You know, that was his spot. And he was, you know, reading the paper, having a cigarette and a coffee. And I sat down a few tables down because I didn't want to bother him. And I was this young 26 year old kid from Canberra. I was a shit kicker, really, let's be honest. You know, as if I deserved to be in the presence of Les Murray. And I sat down and he looked up and he noticed me and he said, Luce, come over and sit with me, you know, summoned me over. And I sat down with him and, you know, I pulled out my cigarettes and I thought, all right, I'm going to light up a cigarette. And I remember at that moment texting my brother and saying, you would not believe it, I'm sitting here having, sharing a cigarette and chatting to Les Murray at the SBS cafe. I think I finally made it. And that was such a special moment for me because again, you know, I realised the magnitude of what being in this man's company meant. And, you know, for the things that I learned from him to really answer your question, I learned to respect other cultures.
I learned that, you know, we're not just covering the game and that the game certainly isn't about us. You know, I think it's so easy when you end up in television to get caught up in that sort of whole lifestyle and think that it's about you. It's actually not about you. And particularly when it comes to being a host, you're the conduit. You know, you're there to be the voice of the panelists to order the conversation about and to basically listen to your producer when it's time to move on and throw to a fucking commercial break. But ultimately, you know, Les taught us that, you know, we're about, we're not here to entertain, that it's about the game.
That's where the entertainment comes from. So, and like I said, and respecting other cultures and basically sharing the narratives around football with the viewers and, you know, and doing these cultures justice, which is where the whole pronunciation thing comes into it. You know, Les was very big on that. And it always practiced that being a Hungarian immigrant. He obviously understood what it was like to escape a country that was being ravaged by war-torn governments and to move to a better life, which is what Australia provided for him. But he also understood that the game is so multicultural. And one of the things that SBS that we really pride ourselves on is respecting those cultures and paying homage to them. So that's, those are just some of the key things that I learned from Les.
Lucy, could we go back to how you got your start, you know, right back at the beginning, your start in journalism, which is a question that we like to ask most of the journalists who come on this show. So you started right back on Canberra radio.
Yeah, so it was interesting because for me, I've kind of cruised through life having job ADD, if that makes sense. Like one week, I was like, OK, I'm going to be a lawyer. The next week, I was like, OK, I'm going to be photographer. Then I went through this really wanky phase. I was like, OK, I'm going to become an air hostess. And then I went through this, you know, this really interesting phase where when I was in college, I loved acting, loved drama class, you know, had done a few courses through NIDA and really enjoyed that and thought that that was sort of where I'd where I'd end up, you know, career wise.
But then it never, if this makes sense, it never sort of felt like home. It didn't really stick. You know, it was there. The passion was there and the interest was there. But it wasn't something that I thought, OK, this is something I really want to pursue. So I just sort of decided when I finished college to take a break because nothing ever felt like it was really kind of sticking.
I thought, well, all right, I'll go on, you know, do the obligatory thing. I had jobs in retail, kind of banded about, tooled around in the public service. And then it sort of dawned on me when I was out, probably when I was about 20, the year I was due to, yeah, the year I was due to turn 21, I thought, well, kind of what am I doing?
You know, I love football. I love to write, but I've never really thought about combining the two.
And then I sort of felt this inherent pressure to decide, OK, who do I want to be? Who am I going to be in this world? Because I feel like, you know, whenever you leave college, that that pressure is put on you so intensely that you have to know who you are right then and there, which is pretty crazy when you think about it. You know, I'm the mother of an 11 month old now. And I think when she gets to that age, I'm not going to say to her, you have to know who you are. I'm going to say, go and discover who you are, you know, go and travel, wank about, you know, see what it was, see what takes you fancy, unless you really know what it is you want to do.
So then I decided, OK, all right, I'm going to have a crack at this. I'm going to enroll at the University of Canberra into an undergraduate degree, a bachelor of journalism. And I'm going to try and major in sport business. I didn't want to just go straight into sports journalism because I thought, well, who knows, I might come out the other side of it and realise that I might want to cover fashion or politics or something. I wanted to keep it pretty broad and open. And then I had to get in, obviously, via a mature age entry. It's pretty hilarious when you consider that at 20 years of age you're considered mature age. But I got into uni and then I started going through the course and I decided, you know what, I'll be happy if I can just write like match reports in my local chronicle in Canberra. I'll be delighted with that.
But as the course progressed, I realised that I was no good at writing like typical news stuff. You know, news is very hard, cold, black and white, who, what, when, where, why, whereas I was more creative. You know, I wanted to tell more feature stories and to sort of fluff about a bit more.
And then I realised, right, maybe this actually isn't for me. But then the radio component of the degree rolled around and I thought, oh, I'm not going to enjoy this. I've got no interest in radio.
But I actually really liked it. As the degree went on, I started hearing at our local community radio station 2XX and then just fell into it there. I'd put a call out and I'd heard from an old friend at school that they were looking for football radio presenters. And she said, oh, this might be up your alley. Just have a go and see what you think. So I volunteered and it was just me and 14 other dudes. And then I probably got a bite in the hole because I was the only chick. But, you know, it kind of progressed from there. So it went from doing these podcasts to being asked to then come and guest star on a show called Balls and All, which I'm not entirely certain even runs anymore. I hope it does because it's a great program. You know, they spoke about a whole range of sports and I went in there and just gibbered about football. But then I started doing commentary on the women's football, on the W league as a co-commentator. You know, the thing that I really love to stress to everybody is that it's not like, oh, I just got the gig because of my last name or because I was a woman or because I had this passion for sport.
There are a shit tonne of setbacks. You know, I got told no multiple times and even walked away from the whole concept of it entirely because, you know, in my final year of university, I'd gotten a shortlist for the Peter Leonard scholarship at WIND TV, which is now defunct in Canberra. But then it was me and two other guys. And, you know, I ended up losing out on that.
And then I went for a job interview at ABC. And oh, my God, I tanked like I was I was terrible. I was embarrassing. I'm sure the guys at ABC are looking at me now and going, how the hell did this chick get a job? Like, do you remember that job interview when she came in and she was dreadful?
But like I think this is actually a rite of passage. You have to go through the struggles. You have to be told no and you even maybe have to turn your back on it, which is what I ultimately ended up doing.
And then sort of Football Federation Australia, this is my olive branch back into the fray. Football Federation Australia reached out after I'd been out of the game for a year and stopped doing podcasts and everything.
And and it said, you know, kind of where have you been? And we're looking for a team to put together a podcast and produce it for us here at FFA. Would you be interested? And so myself and my other panellists, Paddy Bourdier and Nick Cumpston, top dudes, you know, and we were working in a community radio station where, you know, we'd sometimes forget to hit record or the knobs would be falling off the panel in the studio. Like they were all good times. And then, you know, I'd come home after my job in the public service and edit it until like 10, 11 o'clock at night. So, you know, I really look back fondly on those days. But the olive branch came via FFA. And then from there, obviously, after doing that for a season, SBS, I got an email from the then executive producer, Noel Brady. And he said, look, you know, we've seen the work that you're doing with the Football Federation Australia podcast. We've just acquired the rights for four years to the A-League. And we'd love you to come in and screen test. So that's pretty much in a nutshell how it went.
They strung me along for months. So those bastards, you know, oh, yeah, come up with a screen test and then I'd go away and I'd get nothing from them for ages. And I was like, what is going on? This is the worst Tinder date of my life.
Yeah. What were you doing for work on the side there? At that time, I was working in the public service as an executive assistant to the head of HR at the attorney general's department. I'm great boss. Actually saw her a couple of weeks ago.
It's a very Canberra job, though. Yeah, very, very, very Canberra job. You're either in retail or you're in building and landscaping or you're a public servant. That's pretty much the extent of it down in Canberra.
But no judgment, no judgment. Look, he provided a cushy environment for me.
You know, the pay is good. The people were great, too. You know, fantastic people.
But ultimately, it was never going to be my forever.
Now, we started this podcast and we actually blindside you with a list of rather tricky Queensland names. After this is all said and done and everyone's outside of isolation. We'll catch up and we'll give you these 20 names to see if you can rattle them off in a minute. But the thing about us, Queensland, is there's a kind of carelessness to a lot of the way we pronounce names.
I don't think that the way that we even she pronounces it isn't the way that her Polish grandparents would have pronounced it. And that's one of the things that you've actually been able to bring similar to Les Murray to the world game is some accurate pronunciations. What do you think that is about Australians where they just say this will do? You know what? I don't resent Australians for that either, because I'm the same. You know, it's one of those things where we love to shorten a name. We love to give people nicknames. Like, I actually find that a pretty endearing aspect and a quirky charm of ours. I don't mind it. I think where I minded it was when people took issue with the fact that I did make an effort to pronounce them correctly.
And that was all such a bizarre time for me. You know, when I think back to that and I was asked so many times during interviews over the last sort of two years, coming up to two years, not in a few months, which is crazy to think. But, you know, what did you think of it all and how was that? And, you know, what was your impression of it? I kind of it's strange because although it was happening, it was about me.
It didn't feel like it was happening to me because I totally avoided the situation. I was like, no, I'm going to go to this tournament. I'm not going to make it about, you know, Instagram and Twitter and Facebook notifications. I don't want to know what the public is thinking about my presentation style.
I'd love to know what they're thinking about the football. But you can't pick and choose the debates that you have with people online, which is, you know, the tricky part. But, you know, I'd learned some serious and hard lessons from the 2014 tournament where I'd become pretty consumed by the comments and the feedback that I'd gotten, which was pretty nasty, you know. And I guess a lot of people say it's a part of the job. But my view is, why does it have to be? You know, why are we allowed to kind of, you know, abuse each other and call each other a series of nasty things online? But in the real world, you know, you'd probably be arrested if you were to abuse someone in that way or threaten death or rape or whatever else, which is some of the things that I've had to deal with over the course of my almost seven year career.
But the whole Russia pronunciation gate situation was really odd because, like I said, I turned off all my notifications. So when I did start getting messages from family and friends saying, you know, keep your head up, just ignore all the criticism and don't worry about it, I was like, what the f is going on?
So, you know, I'd gotten a call from a publicist and I said, you know, what's happening back there, Lou? And she was like, look, people have taken issue with the way that you're pronouncing names. I said, what do you mean though? Like, this isn't the first time I've been doing this, I've been doing this for years. Like, what the hell is the problem? And she was like, look, you know, they've got an issue with the way that you're pronouncing them. And she goes, I don't know what to say. You're pronouncing them correctly. So I don't know what more I can add to this conversation. I said, look, I've heard it.
I don't need to hear about it again. I'm happy to sort of talk about it very loosely if people ask me, but I don't want this to be the headline. I don't want this to be the talking point. I just want to talk about the damn football.
You know, we're in a World Cup. The, you know, what I'm doing shouldn't be the discussion point. So it was all really very strange for me. But, you know, now when I look at it, I think, well, look, everyone's entitled to their opinion. I mean, and this is the point about TV. I've watched television and thought, oh, gee, I don't really like that presenter or whatever. But would it compel me to take to their social media account and be like, you're a this, you're a that, and that. I can't be bothered. And who's got time for that? But a lot of people do, which again, like I said, everyone's entitled to their view, but I think we just need to start being better about how we interact with one another online. It's gotten pretty nasty and really ugly. That's my only real takeaway from that. And it's why I've sort of moved to start a national conversation around, you know, people being accountable for their actions online because I think it's really important.
Do you think also with that, you might've been almost viewed as a pressure valve for a very frustrating World Cup in which Optus Sport decided they might be the broadcasters? Oh, you know, I felt for Optus at that time. You gotta say that first and foremost, don't you? You know, I felt so sorry for them. And look, we were in a scenario where we had to put ourselves under extreme pressure to deliver the content that we did, given the operating constraints that we were already in.
I mean, we came into that World Cup thinking, right, we've got match of the day, it's one game a day, it's a Twitter show and it's a highlights programme. That changed from it's a highlights programme to a Twitter show plus three games a day. That's unprecedented in broadcasting history. So, you know, to go through the rigours of that and be working 18 hour days and then, you know, finishing up at the broadcast compound and then doing interviews with people back home and, you know, doing podcasts and all that kind of stuff.
By the end of it, I came back seriously underweight. So did Fols. We were struggling, we barely had time to eat.
I suppose Optus have more excuses than the MyGov website over the last week. That MyGov website, poor people, man.
Seriously, like that's... If you've got to punch it back at home, just wrap it up in MyGov towel or something like that and have it go away. We are going to... I personally view you as quite an expert in a lot of things.
There is one name I want to run past you. It's Croatian background that I'd like to get the correct pronunciation. You might be familiar with this name. First name, K-A-R-L. Middle name. Yes. Middle name, S-V-I-L-E-N-K-O. Last name, S-T-E-F-A-N-O-V-I-C. How would you say that name? Yeah, well, you'd say... I know who you're talking about.
It's the great Karl Stefanovitch. So Stefanovitch would be the correct pronunciation.
But look, there's this thing, even my parents, right? So my mum and dad, my mum's name, correct birth name is Zorica. But in order for it to be easier for Australians and the people that she worked with when she first arrived here, she turned it into Zora. And same thing for my dad. His name in Croatian is Frane, but he changed it to Frank just to make it easier for everybody. And that was sort of their way of becoming more Australian-like than anything. It's funny, when I talk to my parents now and I say to them, what's home for you?
Is it Croatia or is it Australia? They say Australia.
Because for them, it's like this country has given them an inordinate amount of opportunity. My dad's a builder, he's since retired, but has created such a fantastic life for himself, my mum and our family because of the opportunities that this country provided. So they still love to go back to Croatia. My dad less so because his mother's passed away and he doesn't feel that much of a pull, albeit he's still got brothers and sisters over there. But for them, here is home and it always will be.
And I think that's, you'll see a sense amongst a lot of immigrants in this country. It's not just restricted to Croats. They all came here with a view that Australia could provide for them and it has in spades. So that's where I think, sometimes when we can be inherently racist of other cultures coming here, we need to remember that they love this country just as much as the next Aussie. So it's really important to recognise that and embrace the multicultural aspects because we've loved taking things from other cultural nations. When you go down the street after you've been out on a bender all night and you want a kebab, guess who we've got to thank for those? The beautiful people of Lebanon. So these are the kinds of things that we should be realising are assets to this country and not hidden.
More of a Turkish kebab man myself, but what's that Croatian cabbage? Yeah, kupus, we call it kupus. We've got cabbage rolls as well that are like rice mixed with meat and that's called sarma.
That stuff will stink your house out for days. I mean, stay away from that.
I always knew when my mom was cooking sarma when I was walking home from the bus stop, I was like, oh, here we go again. She's got a stinky cabbage on her butt.
It's a forbidden treat really. Yeah. It's forbidden treat.
The interesting thing Osha Gunzburg said to us on our interview with him was when his old man, Czechoslovakian background, when they go back to the homeland, his dad actually has an accent that people kind of sit around and listen to because it sounds like he's on old time radio. His accent's still stuck in like 1950s Czechoslovakia. He hasn't kind of kept up with the dialogue. How do you go around the other Croats?
Can they tell you're from Australia when you're speaking fluently? Yeah, they can. And the same thing has happened to my mom and dad who still have very thick accents here in Australia. But I've got to remind myself that they've been here for just under 50 years. So when we go back to Croatia, even though I still speak fluent Croatian, it was my first language, they can straight away pick up the fact that I'm not from there, which is sometimes insulting.
It's like, what, what do you mean? How do you know?
But you do this kind of twang in your dialect and they can sniff it out like bloodhounds. So yeah, it's pretty funny. And like I said, even the fact that it's happening to my parents suggest to me that, yeah, well, we've become Australian through and through. It doesn't matter which language we're speaking. No, you're doing a much better job than some of the NRL commentators anyway with your pronunciation.
I know that the, I was actually very impressed to see the NRL. Ray Warren managed to nail Trebojovic. That was a, that's an impressive start.
He's probably still saying it wrong though. I'm not sure if a European name is harder for, you know, an Anglo person to say, as opposed to a name from the islands. Because they do seem to have a lot of trouble with both. Yeah, it's an interesting question. Look, no judgment. I mean, you're not expecting everyone to become an expert overnight.
I mean, it helps that, you know, like I said, I've got a different language as a first language and that always helps. And that a lot of the European names that I'm pronouncing are quite similar in sounds to my language. So, you know, I think that when it comes to this sort of thing, the one thing I've always stressed to people is just try, just give it a crack. And I think that that's what people appreciate. You know, I've had people butcher my last name for years so that when people do say it correctly, it is nice because it, you know, that's how your name is supposed to be pronounced. And that's sort of where my efforts went into it. And they always will and always have is that I'm pronouncing it for them. I'm not pronouncing it for Joe Blow down the street because to them it doesn't matter. But to certain people in certain cultures and communities it does. So one of the nice kind of outcomes out of all that kind of hoopla from the World Cup in 2018 was that I had a lot of people from a variety of different communities writing to me to say thank you. We really appreciate the fact that you are making an effort to pronounce our names correctly because it means a lot to us. So I took a lot of comfort from that.
But at the same time, you know, it did start a national conversation around, well, you know, do we care enough about how we're pronouncing people's names? And is that something that we should care about? Well, you know, that's up for debate, right?
Because other people will say, well, you know, you're here in Australia, so just accept that, you know, your name's gonna be pronounced the way that it's gonna be pronounced. But at the same time, I kind of think, well, what is Australia? What does a modern day Australia look like? And to me, it represents a vast array of different cultures, which we, like I said before, should be embracing.
Now, from one soccer outrage to another, Lucy, perhaps this one we're talking about here with pronunciations was completely unwarranted. We definitely agree to that. But right now, there is an actual real outrage happening in that Liverpool look like they're going to win the competition for the first time in, I don't know, 1,000 years. And now these uncertain times we're in have just almost snatched it from the grasp of like the jaws of victory. What's going on here? This is unprecedented. What are the feeling from someone like yourself who's well and truly in the Liverpool camp? Oh, it just had to happen to us, didn't it?
You know, back to that season when Gerrard slipped and we were close to winning the season again, you know, it reminds me of that, not the last Champions League final, but the year before that when Cartier-Southkeeper absolutely butchered it and cost us a trophy. Like, it just seems to be a Liverpool fan's curse in that you're always going to come close but you're never going to quite get there. I'm in two minds about it. I've already kind of discussed this with a few fellow Liverpool fans. My other half is a massive Liverpool fan. I said, you know, this whole concept of I'll just cancel the season, that doesn't sit well with me because then again, we're being robbed of an opportunity to win the title. But then on the other side of the coin, it's like, well then just give it to Liverpool.
That doesn't sit well with me either too because I'd like us to be able to do it in the correct fashion. And that's me being politically correct about it and honest too.
So I think that there is this view that the actual Premier League will resume. They're very hell-bent on getting it up and running again because we're not just talking about a small league here. We're talking about a competition that has billions involved and the eyes of the footballing world are right on it at this time. So, you know, when you're dealing with those kinds of economic pressures as well as the government pressure too. I mean, when you consider that in 2016-17, the tax revenue that they generated was in the billions, I think it was about 3.3 billion range. You know, they're gonna wanna see it come back too. But then you've got this whole issue of, well, are they gonna play it behind closed doors?
You know, that's also a concern too because a lot of these clubs are gonna suffer and they are suffering right now. I mean, when we look at what's going on domestically here in the Act League, we're hearing reports that some clubs are going to still be able to pay players. Others may not. Some are gonna have to take pay cuts. You know, it's a really concerning time for the global footballing and global sporting economy in general. But yeah, I just think it's rough.
I don't know what you do. I don't envy the position of the English FA in this scenario because, you know, what do you do? What do you do?
Is it the right thing to give it to them? Is it the right thing not to?
But then you ask the subsequent question of, well, what happens to those clubs down at the very bottom who are on the cusp of relegation? What happens to the team in the championship that could also- It does like the ban that happened to Manchester, the blue team from Manchester City.
Yeah, sorry. Yeah, like- He's learning.
I guess they would be exhaling just quietly after they got the boot for a couple of seasons. Well, see, that hasn't entirely been wrapped either because they're pursuing it through the court of arbitration for sport. So I think with everything that sort of happens now, that's all taken a backseat because obviously the health and safety and wellbeing of not just football players and their fans, but the world and its entire community are at the forefront of their minds. But they're going to have to have these conversations again. When they get picked up, I don't know. Foz and I had a chat with a university professor who also works at Westmead Hospital the other day. And we said, well, look, when's a realistic expectation to kind of predict that sport could resume again? And he said, look, it's a really good question because we don't know.
This is such a rapidly changing and evolving pandemic that one day you go from, oh, we've just got a few cases to holy shit, the country's in lockdown and there are bodies lining up and we don't have a hospital system that's capable of looking after them a la Italy. So they're really worrying times. So there are a lot of questions, but I'm afraid that there just aren't any answers.
I mean, you consider what's going on in NRL as well. I mean, that's gut-wrenching. You've got the livelihood of so many people at stake here. A friend of mine just got stood down from her job and that's rough. This is real life. This is what's happening. So it's a concerning point, absolutely.
But gee, am I thinking about the title now? Not so much. Do you think the A-League in Australia might be a bit better at balancing their books in the NRL? You reckon they might've thought against spending their entire war chest on fireworks? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know what?
I didn't realise actually that NRL were in that deep of shit, are they? Oh, they're in some trouble. Yeah, they are in the deepest, they're even worse than Rugby Union. I mean, they are in the deepest possible sporting shit that you can be in.
Well, yeah, like it was run week to week. Like that was like, the cash had come in, the cash had come out. It was like, we're about to see the true horror that Rugby League was. Wow. I didn't realise it was that bad. I thought they were in a much better position than what we are in football, in the A-League. That's for certain. I didn't realise they were up shit creek that much.
No, it turns out Lucy- There's not too many accountants who are in the Rugby League competition where I'd say there would be a fair few in soccer. Because- Yeah, because if you look at it from the outside, it looks like every team in the A-League has run to quite a professional standard compared to Rugby League, where it's just like, just take the money out of the pokies and pay the players. Just make it go away. See, that's not- I mean, it's interesting because that's not entirely true either. I mean, I think that there is this big facade that when you look at a professional sporting competition, you hear the word professional, you know it's the elite competition in your country. There's this assumption that everything is good and that the players are being given all the support that they need.
That's so not true. That is so not true.
I mean, we've got clubs in the A-League like the Central Coast Mariners, for example, where they don't even have a proper gym for their play. It's like they're calling themselves the center of excellence, the facilities that they're running out of. But realistically, it's just a patch of land that the owner has secured in order to sell out office spaces and rent things out to other businesses. It's not necessarily being devoted to the players and the coaches and the staff there, which is a crying shame. So there are a lot of clubs that will really suffer through this period. Like I said, the report and the rumors that are coming out saying that they won't be able to pay players, it's not entirely shocking to us because a lot of clubs are still kind of operating in the red here as well. There are only a handful, perhaps maybe two out of the entire competition that will break even or make a small margin of profit. But everyone's been struggling for a long time. I mean, this is a competition that's been in a real state of flux for a number of years now.
And a lot of that's down to the neglect from the governing body, from the powers that be in the regime that we've had in previous years that just haven't understood that the importance of this game and the professional game and why it needs to be nurtured so much because it affects the grassroots. We've got the highest participation rate at the junior level rests in football, in soccer. And what are they doing to capitalize on it? So you might think that rugby league's in trouble but gee, we've got our work cut out for us in football that's for damn sure. I do think the difference is that as you pointed out, the institutions that exist in football, soccer football in Australia are run by passionate, passionate outsiders. Some of them, I guess like your own family whereas the NRL are rapidly learning that it turns out ex footballers don't make very good accountants, particularly when they haven't ever studied as them.
Hey, hey, hey, we have David Gallop as our CEO. You guys would know what that feels like in rugby league. I mean, it's no slide on David, he's a wonderful guy but the thing for us in football was that we were crying out for passionate people, people that understood the game, that felt I guess a sense of duty to it to be running our sport. And now we've gotten a CEO in the form of James Johnson who is an ex football player, who is someone that has had experience at the industry school. So we're hoping that with those two kind of skill sets behind him, he's able to bring something tangible to the table and so far so good but he's only been in the job for 10 weeks and look at what he's come into.
The league is suffering and struggling and now he's in the grips of this global pandemic which has forced the competition into shutdown and has also seen them just announced this morning that they've had to lay off 70% of their staff. Like that's huge, that is huge as an organisation. So yeah, there is a shit tonne of work to be done that's for sure. Well, there's certainly some uncertain times ahead for everyone, both at home, at the workplace and on the TV screens and in the stadiums.
Lucy Selich, thank you for joining us today. It's been so refreshing to sit down and talk to someone for this long about something not strictly related to the coronavirus pandemic, so. True, so true. Very refreshing and all the best.
I reckon we'll be all right for 2021 will be the next time we sit down and get some real sport in the Tokyo Olympics but other than that, I think we'll all be all right come, what is it, Qatar? Qatar 2022, that is the next World Cup.
That's what we're shooting for, yep. Yeah, well, let's just lock it down. I hope the Emiratis and the Gulf States can lock it down and keep that virus out. We'll just make sure our athletes are nice and clean and they're not pissing hot. And yeah, let's play some soccer.
Guys, I really appreciate it. I'm a massive, massive fan of the Batutah Advocate. I love the stuff that you do, the headlines that you come up with and some that have actually concerned myself over the last few months. No, I'm a big fan. I love the work that you do.
Keep it up, you're adding some real light and enjoyment to the conversation in the light of such grim times that we're facing at the moment. Yeah, well, we might have a little bit of a run on the soccer football, Lucy. We'll have a few more articles like that to come.
Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. Thanks very much.
See, that's not, I mean, it's interesting because that's not entirely true either. I mean, I think that there is this big facade that when you look at a professional sporting competition, you hear the word professional, you know it's the elite competition in your country. There's this assumption that everything is good and that the players are being given all the support that they need.
That's so not true. That is so not true.
I mean, we've got clubs in the A-League like the Central Coast Mariners, for example, where they don't even have a proper gym for their play. It's like they're calling themselves the center of excellence, the facilities that they're running out of. But realistically, it's just a patch of land that the owner has secured in order to sell out office spaces and rent things out to other businesses. It's not necessarily being devoted to the players and the coaches and the staff there, which is a crying shame. So there are a lot of clubs that will really suffer through this period. Like I said, the report and the rumors that are coming out saying that they won't be able to pay players, it's not entirely shocking to us because a lot of clubs are still kind of operating in the red here as well. There are only a handful perhaps, maybe two out of the entire competition that will break even or make a small margin of profit. But everyone's been struggling for a long time. I mean, this is a competition that's been in a real state of flux for a number of years now. And a lot of that's down to the neglect from the governing body, from the powers that be in the regime that we've had in previous years that just haven't understood the importance of this game and the professional game and why it needs to be nurtured so much, because it affects the grassroots. We've got the highest participation rate at the junior level rests in football, in soccer. And what are they doing to capitalize on it? So you might think that rugby league's in trouble, but gee, we've got our work cut out for us in football, that's for damn sure. I do think the difference is that as you pointed out, the institutions that exist in football, soccer, football in Australia are run by passionate, passionate outsiders. Some of them, I guess, like your own family, whereas the NRL are rapidly learning that it turns out ex-footballers don't make very good accountants, particularly when they haven't ever studied as them.
Hey, hey, hey, we had David Gallop as our CEO. We were like, you guys would know what that feels like in rugby league. I mean, it's no slide on David, he's a wonderful guy, but the thing for us in football was that we were crying out for passionate people, people that understood the game, that felt, I guess, a sense of duty to it to be running our sport. And now we've gotten a CEO in the form of James Johnson, who is an ex-football player, who is someone that has had experience at the industry.
So we're hoping that with those two kind of skill sets behind him, he's able to bring something tangible to the table. And so far, so good, but he's only been in the job for 10 weeks. And look at what he's come into.
The league is suffering and struggling, and now he's in the grips of this global pandemic, which has forced the competition into shutdown and has also seen them just announced this morning that they've had to lay off 70% of their staff. Like that's huge, that is huge as an organisation. So yeah, there is a shit tonne of work to be done, that's for sure. Well, there's certainly some uncertain times ahead for everyone, both at home, at the workplace and on the TV screens and in the stadiums.
Lucy Zielich, thank you for joining us today. It's been so refreshing to sit down and talk to someone for this long about something not strictly related to the coronavirus pandemic, so. True, so true. Very refreshing, and all the best.
I reckon we'll be all right for 2021 will be the next time we sit down and get some real sport in the Tokyo Olympics. But other than that, I think we'll all be all right come, what is it, Qatar? Qatar 2022, that is the next World Cup. That's what we're shooting for, yep. Yeah, well, let's just lock it down. I hope the Emiratis and the Gulf States can lock it down and keep that virus out. We'll just make sure our athletes are nice and clean, they're not pissing hot. And yeah, let's play some soccer.
Guys, I really appreciate, massive fan. I'm massive, massive fan of the Batutah Advocate. I love the stuff that you do, the headlines that you come up with, and some that have actually concerned myself over the last few months. No, I'm a big fan, I love the work that you do.
Keep it up, you're adding some real light and enjoyment to the conversation in the light of such grim times that we're facing at the moment. Yeah, well, we might have a little bit of a run on soccer football, Lucy, with a few more articles like that to come.
Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. Thanks very much. |
cracked | our_ancestors_threw_poop_out_the_window | Up until the late 19th century, it was common to just throw stuff that's in your chamber pot right on the street. That's right, people just threw turds out the window, probably because indoor plumbing wasn't really a thing and the streets were already covered in sewage and dead horse corpses. Yeah, a lot of horses just died and their cruel ass owners wouldn't do anything about it. But just because the defecation and defenestration have a bit of a history, doesn't mean you should go around throwing poop out of your windows. Could you really imagine living like this? The smell lingering, festering out in the streets, coming in through your window as you bake your bread and have your daily coffee? Could you do it? Could you live as the outrageous smell plagues the people, the places, and the things that make up your life? Man, it would have been filthy. Our ancestors were absolutely dirty and absolutely disgusting compared to us. But hey, what are you going to do, forsake your family name? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_chloe_fineman_heidi_gardner_and_devon_walker_snl | After the January 6th Committee subpoena Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14-page letter. 14 pages? Okay, unabomber. I don't know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day The Fda confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of adderall. And I just know from experience in college, any time I wrote a 14-page paper in one night, I'd also taken a disturbing amount of adderall. My favorite part of Trump's letter is the beginning, because it's on really nice letterhead. it starts, dear Chairman Thompson, and then the first line is just screaming. it's like reading a Victorian love letter that says, my beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?
The committee showed a never-before-seen video from January 6th of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence, which to Pence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she'd go to jail and be happy.
I assume because she owns stock in private prisons. during last night's Georgia Senate debate, Raphael Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said, quote, I am work with many police officers. which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems. Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. in fact, Mcconnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show, Dahmer. Kanye West's anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish entertainment a lot. just say Lenny Kravitz. After Kanye West's unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted, talk To Ye and expressed my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart. Well, that settles it. if there's one thing we all trust Elon with, it's successfully reading another human being's emotional cues.
This week, a Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney's reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral here to discuss their concerns about the film. our two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussi. So, ladies, what's so bad about Hocus Pocus? Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok, old witches snacking on my kids, not under my house. it's just a silly kids movie. Michael Shae, we don't need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. And we don't need to see Matt Midler wearing big old teeth. it's Satanic.
Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash Hell. Imagine that, Okay, I'm sorry, just imagine that. your home with Hell in it. Okay, so, yeah, Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Shae? Yeah, I'm sorry. Is it Michael Shae, Satan in your living room, harness a rock? No, that's not what I want, Debbie Hole.
But don't you think you're missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween? there is nothing fun about Halloween. So, what about Candy? Satanic. What about candy and Satanic?
Sour Patch Kids. Think about it, we're feeding kids kids, making a bunch of army hammers.
Taste the rainbow, demonic. I'm gonna say this, any vending machine with a skeetle in it, that's a glory hole for Devil. gushers, ew! ew! ew! Everlasting gall stopper, so suck till I'm dead? No. no, no. Oh, so you guys are just crazy. I'm sorry, crazy about family, church, and laughter? Yes, yes. yes, you know what, I swear, even talking about this makes me nervous, Okay. you open your mouth long enough, a demon will swoop in it. uh-oh, what'd I say? You all right? Shoot. no, no, she got a demon in her. she probably caught it here, that's in hell.
I'm gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Debbie, we sold a lot of leggings to be here, Girl. I swear to God, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building you a throne, I am leading New York. Hey, hey, hey! David, David, David, I'm gonna need you to put a collar on Satan. call her on Satan and take him back to Hell.
Can you do that for me? Can you do that?
Debbie K. Hall? Inclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to hocus pocus and we go all go. Yeah. well, what are you doing? We got tickets to Wicked. Debbie Hall and Stacey Bussie, everyone.
We're in a party room. a popular peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million, alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.
Manhattan Congressional candidate Mike Ickes started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. And you know what? I'm gonna vote for him because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.
Thursday was national no Broad Day, which I celebrated by not supporting women. a United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in-flight snack.
Kevils, who was the world's oldest living dog, has died at the age of 22. But it's okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn't keep him off my yard. Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they're calling a bike bus. and pedophiles are calling a buffet. researchers say the number of gray whales off Western North America has continued to decline for several years. it's a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume. Nfl players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other.
And also, let's see here, domestic violence. that's how they're spending their time, Calvin. a video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman's eye that she had forgotten or in there. And you know you messed up when your doctor is like, hey, can I film this? A new study suggests that the benefits of preventative colonoscopies may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable. border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. they could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left.
Season 48 is underway, and things are going well. Here to talk about how he's adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker. Thank you for having me, Champ. anytime, man.
So how's this whole experience been for you, man? you dig in New York? not really. If I'm being honest, I think New York's a little overrated. Wow. where are you from? I'm from Texas. Oh, Texas. yeah, what? You know, I mean, honestly, don't do that. don't do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I'm from, All right? every single time I tell a New Yorker I'm from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war, All right? every single time, they're like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. that happened to you. they'll say stuff like that. And it's like Texas isn't a perfect place, but every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I've ever seen in my life, All right?
And that's a normal thing to see, all right? like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird, and the bird was winning. I told my homie who's from the neighborhood what I saw, and he goes, oh, that's just Mike. that's what he said. and I don't know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. you know, if you saw that in Texas, they'd shut Texas down forever, all right? nobody would go to school or anything. they'd just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.
Well, you just got here. I'm sure you'll start to fit in. All right, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick? Okay. hey, guys. y'all think I look like a cat caller? Yeah. I don't think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who's doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. All right?
Sometimes I pass women on the street, and I see them look at me, and they go. like that. they try to dodge me real quick, and I know why it happens, all right? I'm a large man. a large man would be responsible for a lot of bad things, historically, you know? But I've been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I'm not going to do anything weird, So anytime one tries to avoid me, I've just been whispering like, hey, baby girl, don't worry about it. I'm regular. But why are you whispering? I don't know, man. my body's big. I try to make my voice little, okay? it's hard out here. you might be overthinking it, Devin. I don't think I am.
All right, look, watch this. watch this. Hey, real quick. Where my straight boys at? Yeah, Morales, with that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down, But we're getting a lot of bad press right now. we're getting a lot of bad press.
I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that's what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.
Say what now? I said what I said, Michael. All right, our culture is bad. we need a shift. every single year, 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league, And I don't think the straight communities knows that we don't have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. next time one of my homies asks me if I'm drafting Tom Brady, I swear I'm going to be like, nah, Dawg, I'm trying to kiss you on the lips, actually. Devon Walker, everybody. Kiss Michael Jackson. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Big_Chungus_Spends_Millions_To_Make_Sure_Everyone_Knows_He_Raped_Someone_Stock_ | My name is Clancy Overell, we are in Melbourne. Melbourne. Came down to see an office down here about setting up a bureau down here. It's already set up. Thank you to everyone who's helped set up these microphones for us today to record our bulletin. We've been seeing a bit of the comedy at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
You need to call it Malbourn. Malbourn.
We also learnt that you don't need to pay for public transport here, you can just get on and off as you. Or parking. As you please. I don't know, I'd actively encourage people who live in Melbourne and people who come to Melbourne to just not pay for public transport because you don't have to.
No one asked us to. And you don't need to pay for drinks and stuff at that market we were just at? You're just getting them from the fridge. Well I did pay for them, I didn't have to though. I mean, I didn't get asked to.
Yeah, no, you've finally worked out how to put your cards in your phone now. You don't need to carry around a briefcase everywhere you go. So you've got a couple of travellers checks and stuff. There's a size one wallet, I've flew on it.
That'll fuck your spine up. That's why you've got scoliosis.
There's so much shit in there. Anyway, what's going on in the news? There's a lot, it's been quite a notable week of news, we'll talk about one of those notable stories. I'm just going to read the headline as is.
Big Chungus spends millions to make sure everybody knows he raped someone. Big Chungus, yes, Bruce Lerman has used millions and millions of dollars of other people's money to essentially broadcast the fact that he raped a colleague at work and then lied to cover it up. In a packed courtroom in Sydney with thousands of others watching online, Federal Court Justice Michael Lee handed down his verdict which came some months after the conclusion of what was a marathon trial, Clancy. Yes, over the course of the past few months, the state of the nation's media was also put under the spotlight, pardon the pun. Spotlight is the Seven Network's light entertainment program which paid Mr Lerman a reprehensible amount of money for him to tell a story that's now been judged in this trial to be a fantasy. Spotlight has been found to actually sit atop of this country's pile of journalistic filth, allegedly plying the Chungus with vast amounts of staffer grade cocaine and procuring erotic massages for his deep tissue issues within his loins, paying rent on his luxury home as well where these people would come over and massage his smooth inner thighs before treating his penis like an amusement toy.
Bruce Lerman fanfiction. That wasn't very sexy. Treating his penis like an amusement toy. A lot of loins, this of loins is quite nice. I'm kind of fucking a bit out of my depth here. Well look, we did actually go through a lot of different headline options for this story, but you know, once they were cleared by legal, there was one that was knocked back, yeah, big Chungus I think, it fits well, but the other one I thought of doing, fat idiot ruins his life. That was a bit blunt. This is all of course to secure a story that's essentially a collection of worthless lies. Yeah. I believe the Streisand effect has been updated to the Lerman effect.
And so he could be on for probably five or six million they reckon maybe? What a fucking piece of shit he is. Fuck me. He returned to get his hat. That judge is such a wordsmith.
I reckon that bloody Sue Chrisanthe has got so many more beach houses from this shit. Like she's just, did Ben Robert Smith, she's done this one, she'll probably represent the Senate Chungus, Linda Reynolds, you know, make more money, I mean, power to her, she's a fucking legal powerhouse and she's shown the fucking boys how it's done. Now she owns a house on the top of the hill at Terrigal there. That's great mate, she deserves to have, mate, she had the fastest cars, coolest houses, flying a PJ. Cars for the mister, Furs for the mistress, I probably shouldn't, I probably, yeah, it's a reference for, you know, living the high life, but it's Furs for the missus, cars for the mistress, but it's kind of hard to do with a woman. Anyway, moving on, what else in the new cycle?
We've got a story that follows up from that, and it's about a stocky mate with a short beard who does not appreciate jokes about him resembling a certain former liberal staffer. Of course, we're talking about Bristol. Yes, a portly local man who gets his barber to trim his dense facial hair into a cropped beard has become the butt of many jokes this week. The fact that his mates are also tier one smart arses does not help things for 30-year-old Jacob Webke, a Batuda-based office worker. As someone whose own razor-sharp tongue has meant that he usually escaped ridicule over his short stature and box head, the recent news cycle means Jacob is now a sitting duck for highly offensive, lookalike sledges.
Yeah, there was an interaction down at the pub. While drinking with his mates at Omar Mood's Irish pub in Batuda's Beets and Square, the heckle came thick and fast for young Jacob. All right, it's my shout, said one mate, Clacker, before turning his attention to Jacob. What are you drinking, Brucey? Only half the boys get it, but the response is muffled snorts. The heckle continues.
I said, What beer am I getting you, Lemo? Lermo? Lemo.
The radio guy. The crowd erupts in hyena laughter as a defeated Jacob looks at the floor. A nearby glassy pops up. You boys just keep an eye on Massage Boy over here. We've seen what can happen when he gets a few drinks into him. Another mate, PK, takes his shot.
We can't afford big Bruce's lifestyle. Are there any $400 Tomahawks takes at this joint?
The growing laughter has not stopped for close to four minutes as Jacob begins to take offense at being compared to an unfortunate-looking drug addict rapist. All right, that's enough scowls, Jacob. The boys agree and begin to quieten down. Jacob slips into a false sense of security.
The conversation then turns to what everyone has planned for the rest of the evening. I'm in the mood for a relatively big one, says another mate, maybe some karaoke. The crowd leans in excitedly waiting for the imminent carnage. Surely big Lermo can sort out a few bags. What do you reckon, big fella? Maybe some of that Canberra shit? The humiliating roar of laughter returns.
A seething Jacob now risks this distasteful nickname becoming permanent. It's probably very likely to become permanent, unfortunately. Imagine permanently being called Lermo.
Brucie! You just fucking move, eh? I say, Dad, why do all your friends call you Brucie when you call Jacob? Because I bore Brazil once to someone who was in the zeitgeist for 20 minutes. All right, a local story here.
And a young youth about town has revealed to The Advocate that he's just hoping he gets a couple of weeks to play GTA 6 before Prime Minister Dutton conscripts him to fight in Iran. US local youth Colin Myers, 24, has been fervently praying for a quote, good week or two to enjoy the highly anticipated release of GTA 6 before Prime Minister Dutton summons him to the front lines of what seems like an inevitable global conflict. As Colin said, with all this talk of World War 3 and conscription, I can't help but worry that this may get in the way of me ever experiencing GTA 6.
I've been waiting years for it, but I just feel like I'm going to get called up. I know it. I just hope it's not before I ever get the chance to play this game I've been waiting for. These MFs are going to conscript me like they did to my pop. Like I could just say I'm gay. Does that still mean you get out of conscription? Not anymore. Or I could say I have IBS or ADHD, but really I'd appreciate a week or two to play. Apparently they have three shades of sunset in GTA 6 and you have the option to dual wield pistols.
Well yeah, almost as good as the real thing, but maybe he can just enjoy the real thing. If all goes to plan, we'll finish up a hard-hitting news story. One of the hardest to round out the week. A report. Cheapest garlic bread better than anything you can get at a restaurant. Take it away, Errol Parker. Yes, one of the biggest stories of the week, which just goes to show that what we do is meaningless. It also explains why flavored milk is so popular. It's so... it's just... anyway. Here's the story.
The study sought to determine whether the allure of expensive dining establishments could hold a candle to the humble, gooey, supermarket garlic bread. The report highlights several key findings, including the superior butter to bread ratio, the perfect balance of crunchiness and softness, and the nostalgia surrounding the home brand garlic bread. When compared to a fancy restaurant garlic bread, nine out of ten people agreed that cheap stuff wins out.
I don't know why I'm still talking about this or why three paragraphs of copy were dedicated to this, but a local food critic, Penny Young, said, Can't stand the fancy stuff. Barely any butter. So crunchy. And the garlic is just way too overpowering. The home brand stuff, that's the culinary masterpiece.
And I should reiterate that we didn't get paid. We didn't get paid by big garlic bread to write that. Who wrote that?
Young Monty Benfica. He covers all sorts of issues. Drug addict. Good on him. Smoking weed and contributing to our website.
I like it in a microwave after that oven bake. The cheap garlic bread. Have you ever used it as a sandwich bread?
Yeah. You've got to get the ones that are sliced, not the duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Anyway. Gingerbread? It's fine. No, I don't like it. Have a great weekend, everybody. Ciao. Hurrah. |
cracked | the_adult_man_who_wrote_rebecca_black_s_friday_is_evil_does_not_compute | So long, suckers, is what I'll soon be saying, but not on camera, because I just figured out the perfect way to escape this life of internet drudgery, lest I be counted among the thousands laying low before their time by meme-lung. See, all I have to do is write a single, super-stupid song which will aggregate and accrue instantaneously many millions. Uh, money millions. Money millions, incidentally, also the title of the song.
Works on a lotta levels. How to write a pop internet anti-hit. By now, we're all familiar with how Rebecca Black turned a monotone list of her daily activities and state-of-the-art bus stop sign CG technology into internet fame. I didn't say play it. We're all familiar. The point is, I'm monotone. I do things routinely. How come I don't have 71 million views and crippling cyber-bully problems? There must be some other secret to success hidden in videos like Friday.
No, not that! The other thing! Why, I oughta... So, mostly women scoring the big numbers, but that's okay, I got a conversion kid around here somewhere. Plus, I'm only eight in robot years, cause robots go by mental age, and I watch YouTube for a living. What else? Aha!
They all sport sick dope toy rap breakdowns, which is noise, because I already do that. You gotta rhyme in rapping almost all the time. See? Literally just as good. Anyway, all you really need is the artistic suggestion of a rap breakdown. Case in point.
Yeah, man, Bieber is dead. Long live...
Wait a minute, was that all the same guy? Computer, identify... that guy. I do believe that sound indicates a 100% match. Well done, computer.
I miss Clippy. Nevertheless, it looks like all of these YouTube anti-hits were written and produced by the same guy, Patrice Wilson, aka Pato, which I believe is slang for most of a potato. He's head of Pato Music World and Arc Music Factory.
So called, because it's a clear sign that God has forsaken us and we're all about to be killed in a righteous cleansing flood. This also explains why Alison Gold's debut video, Shush Up, named after what she starts shouting at the screen 10 seconds in, includes the line... As in Rebecca Black, not Orange is the New Black. Even though she's in prison and playing a blonde that you kind of instinctively hate, I know, confusing. And none of it explains why Patrice thought it was a good idea to make Alison's music video about a child getting the electric chair, then lethal injection, then committing suicide by raining down onto a bunch of party people as a shower of gold. All because he told her to burn. I swear, there's no more context than that. If you look closely in the video, you can actually see Alison's mother realize just how much she's ruining her daughter's life.
And that's not even mentioning the backup dancers in this thing. These women came to Hollywood with dreams of stardom. Now they're sexualizing a little girl in prison, and I'm positive none of them know why. They auditioned to do this.
Look at this guy. He worked out so much. And for what? To hit a tire with a sledgehammer in the alley where we shot anti-heroes. That guy is acting out a metaphor for his life right now. God, I hope they shot there after us.
And the high creep factor present in Shush Up is no anomaly. Patrice Wilson is also the mind behind a music video where the kids all get hooked on crack rock and one where he plays Mr. Rogers convincing a tiny doll-sized girl to get in his rape van and go to a party where he spikes her drink with a love potion, turns himself into a puppet, then turns her friend into Chinese food and she eats her. Very specific fetish, Patrice. Hell, if these songs were ever compiled onto a CD, it'd be called Now. That's when I call Child Protective Services. Plus, it turns out Pato charges the stars of these videos for the privilege of being in them. Alright, I'm not sure I really want to make my many money millions this way. I mean, this guy is either A, callously taking money from f***ed up stage parents by promising to make their kids internet famous, or B, a legitimate pedophile directing sexualized videos of preteen girls and no one is stopping him. How is it legal for a grown man to form a duo called Tween Chronic whose music video looks like pee-wee auditions for the Jack Nicholson role in The Departed?
Ah! Jesus. Nice laugh, kid. You may notice that's also Alison Gold. Stacey was never seen again, hopefully because she ran away from her s***y parents and started living with literally anyone else and not because she succumbed to a crippling pixie stick overdose.
In fact, the only one asking Patrice Wilson the hard questions is himself. In the form of an interview with a dead-eyed woman, he clearly paid to ask him questions that he wrote. Who are you?
What is Arc Music Factory? What's in the future for Arc Music Factory?
Could you elaborate for us where you stand on these comments and posts that say what you're doing is wrong and that you're exploiting kids? Whoa! I take it back. Surprisingly incisive, dead-eyed woman. What say you in your defense? Eh, Pato?
The whole goal is to bring people together. I cannot get this out of my head. That's the whole goal. You guys watch on television and TV.
It's actually less autotune we use. We have to go ahead and create that autotune.
We don't charge our artists. If we are to charge an artist, it could range from $2,000 to $4,000. Is that a bad deal?
And you even get lunch. Jesus, man.
You wrote this interview. How can you be so unprepared? You really articulately laid out all the valid concerns that people have about what you're doing, then answered with a bunch of jumbled lies and contradictions, as if you didn't set this up yourself. It makes me so mad I got a sketch about it. People online say you're great. How do you respond?
Well, the dead hookers are under the floorboards.
Oh, shoot. That's not what I meant to say. And a spiked camera. And I didn't restate the question and the answer. Can we take that back?
Sure. Whenever you're ready. When people on TV, online, television tell me that I'm great, I always under the floorboards.
Dead hookers. Six of them. Six dead hookers.
I am just a mumble mouth today. Can we edit that all out? No. Weirdly, no. Really. Even though this is just a PR thing and I set it up myself and we're both me. I know. It's strange. Also, kind of a lot to expect from the audience that they'd understand that this one time we're the same person when usually you just change shirts and they're expected to believe that you're a whole different guy. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, it's quite... So do you... I'm sorry. Well, I am... Are you gonna... I thought... Okay, if you just... Well, it's like... We can fix this in post. It's not... I don't think... How is this even possible? Let's just start it off. If it's edited, please.
In conclusion, f*** Patrice Wilson. Parents, please stop lending him your children. It disgusts me. So let's stop Pato the only way we can by simply ignoring him.
Which I guess is kind of hypocritical of me to say after I just did a whole video featuring his work. And I watched each of those videos like a dozen times to write the episode, so... I guess you win. |
SaturdayNightLive | get_off_the_shed_new_friends_snl | Hey there. how you doing? you must be Frank Henderson. I sure am. I don't know that we've met before. I'm John Taylor. I'm Dom's brother. it's my wife, Susan. Oh, that's right. the Taylor's. I'm sorry. as you can tell, someone didn't forget to take their stupid pills this morning. hey, honey. the Taylor's are here. we can start the party. Oh, that's sweet.
Hey, is John here yet? Well, speak of the devil. your brother just phoned and he's stuck in traffic. so he and Susan will be about a half hour late. Okay. hey, Brandon? Michael?
I need you guys to do me a favor and get off the Shed. I need you to be a buddy and get off the Shed, Okay?
Thanks. Well, I hope you two are hungry. we've got a ton of food here. I am absolutely famished. we just finished 18 at Pebble Brook and I tell you what. I could eat a cow. mmm. would you like some potato salad with that cow of yours? Hi, I'm Shirley. hi, I'm Tom Taylor. it's my wife, Susie. Hi. thank you so much for having us over. Well, we've heard so many great things about you two. hey, guys? I mean it. let's get off the Shed. can I get you a glass of Chardonnay? Oh, yeah. yeah. Oh, yeah, that would be lovely. great. will you just make yourselves comfortable and I'll be right back.
Okay. you know, you and Susan should really join us for a round of golf sometime. Oh, you know what? we're just nuts about the game. we'd love to, but I gotta warn you, Susan's a scratch golfer. Oh! well, you know, I've been playing forever. actually, this is a cute story. we met on a golf course in Scotland when we were.
Get Off the Shed! How about next Sunday? Pebble Brook? 12 o'clock tee off time. what do you say? sounds good. Yeah. maybe we can get John and Sally out for the game.
Oh, boy. I don't know about John. I mean, he's a great guy and everything. But as far as golf go, well, let's just say he spent a little too much money on those clubs of his.
Get Off The damn Shed! I just bought a brand-new Mcgregor 3-wood, and I'll tell you, that thing is smooth. drives just like a Cadillac. believe me, I'd rather be driving the Cadillac. you smell good. thank you. uh, great landscaping job. did you do that yourself? You bet. hey, there's gonna be a meeting between your ass and the palm of my hand if you don't get off the Shed. Now, get Off The Shed!
What do you think of the fountain? you like that? Oh, it's a great fountain. yeah, it's a dandy. I love it.
Whoo! What time did you say John was gonna drop by? Oh, gosh.
I forgot to call and tell you that He said he can't come just to go ahead and eat, but he'll be here for dessert and coffee. Why didn't he just say he doesn't like my burgers? I will punch you in the face if you don't.
Get off the Shed. Now, get off The Shed! Get Off The Shed! Get off the damn Shed!
Hey, honey, those look about done. they sure do. chow time just moments away. you know what? Hey, oh, I am not feeling well. yeah, we might have to take a rain check. Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. I'll be right back. Okay, the Burger train just pulled into Bun Station. look at these babies. excuse me, can you hold on that for a second? Okay, so you've been showing off for the tailors, huh? Is that it? Well, I'm gonna give, put on a little show of my own. I'm gonna give you the beating of a lifetime in front of these people. You happy now?
Get Off the Shed! Get Off The Shed, Please! Get Off The Shed! Please get down From The Shed, boys! Get down, Please! They got off the shed.
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. Here you go. thank you. Hey, Brandon, Michael, I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain. need you to beat a buddy and get out of the fountain. |
cracked | aldi_s_co_founder_claimed_his_own_kidnapping_ransom_as_a_tax_deductible_business_expense | The co-founder of Aldi wrote off his kidnapping ransom as a tax-deductible business expense.
Dio Albrecht, one of two German brothers who established the discount grocery chain that saves customers money by getting fish from North Korea, was kidnapped in November 1971 by a burglar who went by Diamond Paul and a lawyer with a fake high school diploma who had reportedly read about him in a book about rich people.
Over the course of 17 days, Albrecht was stripped down to his underwear and hidden inside of a wardrobe, from which he haggled over the price of his return as if he were a shopping cart.
After the Catholic bishop of Essen left seven million Deutschmarks on the side of a road on his behalf, Albrecht was released and the kidnappers were quickly caught.
But before becoming a recluse for the rest of his life, Albrecht filed for tax relief from the government, arguing that the theft of company property, like himself, counts as a business expense and convinced the state to let him write off the cost of the ransom.
So the next time you're locked in a trunk and forced to pay your way out, at least the abduction might bump you into a lower bracket. |
cracked | how_hollywood_has_made_you_dumber_the_cracked_podcast | My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I'm joined on stage by my occasional co-host, Mr. Michael Swain.
Hey, Macarena. Macarena.
Ref, as usual. Trying to keep it timed. Head of Cracked video, Daniel O'Brien. Additional out-of-date 90s reference.
Just putting a little Monica in your life, man. Looks like Sorin followed us up on stage. Hey, co-host number three. We got like a co-host sandwich here.
So he'll probably be saying some stuff. And to my left, Dr. Mr. Cody Johnston. Esquire Robot. Sometimes known as Big Dragon, I think.
So this week, we're going to party, you guys. We're going to throw a retirement party for movie tropes. Last Thursday we had a pitch meeting where Cody pitched the idea of movie tropes that need to go a bye-bye.
I said it exactly like that. It was a great conversation. That's generally where the topics for this podcast come from. Editorial team members think they're having a normal conversation with me, but I'm secretly probing their minds for content. Every week, Jack is saying, like, Dan, how's your weekend? And I explained it to him and suddenly now he owns the experience of my weekend and I have to turn it into content. It's proprietary. This is how it goes. That's a podcast.
So you guys know what movie tropes are, but let's get started. Yeah, yeah. What sort of started it for me was watching Terminator 2, if you're familiar with one of the Terminator movies, that one.
And they're going to their friends to get a bunch of guns. And there's that standoff moment where they look at each other and they're like, you, you came back. Oh, right. And they're like friends now. So they went out of their way to joke about something in this really dire situation, but they didn't talk to each other beforehand. So they knew that the next time we meet, we're going to pretend that we're enemies. And they're apocalyptic loners, so probably like five years ago was the last time they crossed paths. And they're like, if I just remember if I see you again and I look pissed off, it's a bit.
Throw me a bone. Go with the bed for like whoever's around us.
They'll really enjoy it. There's a really good. Yes. Ending there though. Like they're, they're really good. And they've clearly been there at least some introductory improv classes really like, Oh, you're doing a thing.
I'm in this bit too. What are we doing? These are, I'm at a table surrounded by people who are friends of mine or in some cases, my direct superior that have to pretend as a friend. But we have never at any point, like privately discussed. Hey, just so you know, like the world goes to shit and I show up and point a gun at you. I'm just trying to impress this new stranger. So like hug me when you see me. I'm not actually mad at you in the future. And it doesn't even have to be apocalyptic. I mean, I, there's a Seinfeld episode where George gets caught up in like the code of, Oh, you bastard, you sons of bitches. And it is just an astounding thing because all we do when we see each other is make bits like as a substitute for having personalities.
So we know how to like, if Cody comes up as like, I gov night, he would do something better than that. No, it's exactly that. Well, but if Cody went up and went, seriously, fuck you, bro. I would not scam that as a bit. That's like what happened.
The biggest thing this came from is Cody brought up Empire Strikes Back. Han Solo shows up. Did someone just woo a movie? In Empire Strikes Back, a movie that came out in the past that no one's heard of helmed by some more auteur. Han Solo shows up in Cloud City with his, his buddies, his hairy friend and their buddies. And then Lando was there and he's like, you son of a bitch.
And like literally punches him in the gut. And then he's like, no, I'm just kidding. We're friends. That's a crazy thing to do. He should have been like, that guy's going to betray us. He's unstable. At that point he knows he's going to betray them. Right.
Han shows up and Lando was like, you son of a bitch. And Han thinks like, and he should, man, I haven't seen you in a while.
And since then I've killed a lot of people and done a lot of crimes. You have great reason to be mad.
I feel like that's like the one time it actually works because on like he won the best ship in the galaxy from his buddy. Like they have tension there, but every other situation is like, I'm going to meet my old friend. My best friend in the world. And I'm going to pretend I hate him. And just like, just be cool for like a minute. We're going to do a thing. It's a way of proving how much of a relationship there is there, though, because then you can walk into that situation.
And if you're the third person in that scenario and you're watching it happen, no one's going to come in. It's like strangers wouldn't do this. Strangers wouldn't be pissed off at each other. And then friends. It's also the audience that these people are. No one.
Right. But if I'm Princess Leia, which is a private dream of mine. Everyone's dream here, right? I think we can all agree. If I'm Princess Leia and I see what is clearly like, oh, Han and Lando worked out a bit together.
I wouldn't be like, oh, good. They're friends. I'd be like, oh, my God. Improv buddies. This is insufferable. You know we're like running from the empire now and we're here for safety. Oh, no. One of them is going to start doing a British accent soon. I just know it.
Would you consider the predator greeting between John Matrix and Dyson to be this? Because it's not really clear if they're going to fight each other or start making love. Right. Very unclear. There's like that immense tension between them. And there is a you son of a bitch for being there. There's a weird moment of like veiny elbows like locked in with one another. Weird. One of the great moments in cinema history.
And then there's the one sided version where one guy, one friend is giving another friend a gun. Right. But first, they point the gun at you. Here's one of the right. They flip it around. One of the most aggressive examples is in season three of The Walking Dead when they go to the prison. You're laughing because this is a really good point. Rick and his buddies go to the prison and they find there's like a separate coalition of prisoners there who have like an established order. And they're not sure if they should trust these new guys or not. And one of the new guys shoots another guy and then points the gun at Rick and then spins the gun around and hands it to him like hilt first.
I'm not a gun guy. Hilt is hilt. But this is at a point where Rick has like physically murdered several people in his life. And if you want to also watch the zombie apocalypse, so if you want to gain someone's trust, I don't think you need to do a false positive of like, I'm going to shoot you. No, I'm just kidding. Look how trustworthy I am. I'm going to hand you the hilt of the gun. Also, you see how I spun that gun? Yeah.
Also, if you're not going to shoot a person, don't point a gun at them. Don't point a gun at someone you're not going to shoot.
Thanks, mom. I'll point my guns or I'll point my gun. You're welcome. God bless America.
There's that great Jack Handy bit that no one in the history of cinema has ever listened to, which is a really good idea for a gift for the president is a gun made out of chocolate that you give him by running up to him screaming the whole time. Is that in the book? Yeah, that's in one of the books. I'm going to kill you with decadence. Dan's such a comedy nerd, even with Jack Handy facts. He read the book instead. Yeah, of course. A thing that is a great sticking point for me is when an action hero, a clear action hero and a thing, talks to a hacker or some other specialist in a heist or some other highly important thing.
He goes to the hacker or specialist and says, how much time do you need? And the hacker goes, two hours. I've got to have 30 minutes. Best crackers in the world. We can do this in 60 minutes. 10 years. And he goes, you have 10 minutes. Orbit plot shows. We have about eight minutes left. I need someone who can do it in 60 seconds. What would it take to get it done in three months? Well, that's not enough time. I was just kidding before. The movie has to be over now. How much time I needed if I only have 10 minutes. Also, like your specialty is having muscles and being handsome. Mine is hacking. I know how much time this is supposed to take. I was hoping you'd say 10 minutes so I could avoid confrontation. See, that's the thing is it's like a contractor just like bumping up their estimate, but it's bullshit because that movie invariably has a scene at the beginning where they're like, this is objectively the fastest hacker in the world and we're giving them $5 million to do this. Don't dick around with there shouldn't be a variance of hours about how long tasks are going to take. Right. And just once I want the action hero to be on the hacker side, how much time do you need? Two hours?
Hey, buddy. You have two and a half. We'll go get some more guns. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Now I can do it even better.
That's not the time. We're in the middle of this thing. How much time do you need? I should have asked you before we got here. How much time will you need so we can prepare? Right. Because otherwise the heist is like, all right, we take 20 minutes to break into the building and then we're going to hack for some amount of time. We'll figure it out on the day.
No, no. That won't be necessary. But the absurd thing about movies is that it's always right, which I think means that movies have no respect for hackers because it's how much time you need? Two hours. You have 10 minutes. All right. And they are able to get that right. I overestimate. I was going to dick around. Budget it in. Yeah. Like some video game playing time. Right. I was going to just like do one test quest for an hour and 15 minutes. A couple bathroom breaks. Video game? No, 20. We're getting hacked.
It's also weird that they don't barter, that they're not like two hours and the other guy's like, you got 10 minutes. Hour and a half. An hour. Is that good? Can we do an hour? Okay, great. It's actually very kind of the action heroes after the dust has settled to just let it pass and not be like two hours, huh? Didn't need two hours, did you?
Maybe next time. So I can't trust anything. Maybe next time you don't suck me on the estimate, bro. Or you said you needed two hours.
Good job. You did it in 10 minutes. That was amazing. Super impressed.
But the fact that the hacker can actually do it in 10 minutes like. So hacking is nothing. Is the hacker charging by the minute? Is he someone who was just like trying to like, what's your overhead hacker?
Yeah. Well, it's like sprinting to them. It's like you can just do it faster if you want to. And if it's not working out, you get another hacker there and they type on half the keyboard too. It's really an effort based thing. Just as the second you find the mainframe. Yeah. Time is relevant at this point. Just like you're in the mainframe. Just do an algorithm. And then you're fucking set, right?
Are there any hackers in the audience? My phone is heating up. What is that? You pointed out one that I had.
I think I always believed that getting knocked out was just like a safe thing. Like a way to like kind of stay out of commission during a fight for a little while. Yeah. The good guys always, if they don't want to kill someone, they just knock them out. And that's like the easy humane way of dispatching someone. So they're no longer trying to kill you.
Someone was looking for you. Wait, wait, wait.
But in actuality, if you knock somebody out and they're out for more than like 15 seconds, that's a coma. That person's not okay. Like if they wake up an hour later tied up somewhere, they'll have lost a whole language. There's blood in their brain where it shouldn't be in their brain. They're breathing energy. You're told if you get a concussion, do not fall asleep. Right. They won't be able to walk again. There's no more algebra in there. Like they will lose things.
Because you brought it up as like, oh, the good guy doesn't want to kill people. So he like knocks out a guard or something like that. But it's not even that very often. Good guys will, will knock out their buddies.
Right. They're like, but he was like, I've been tasked with making sure you don't run through that door. Like I'm really sorry, childhood friend. I'm going in with you. I know.
You're not making the climb. Or even just like Robin wants to come with like, I can help Batman. No, you can't. Lights out. Robin, wait.
Well, there are a lot of people who they'll take multiple henchmen, especially. They'll take multiple hits where they get, they get knocked out. Like over the course of a week, even with football players. Now we know for sure that that's the long term damage of that is terrifying. So like it makes sense that there are a lot of these villainous super criminals who are just crazy in their old age because early on they were henchmen who got knocked out a number of times. Another brains have swollen to a capacity that they can no longer be good. Batman has left a trail of Robbins in his wake that have like murder suicide at their families. It also explains a quintessential problem of crazy villains, which is having an army of henchmen. I think they're all like brain damaged at this point and just have no conception that he just kind of fuzzily like the Joker leaves them.
Where's his mask at?
Yeah, also in movies it's like a judo shot to the neck that will do it or like on the back of the neck or the back. Judo shot! Oh, he's good. Judo shot!
That doesn't work. What that does, like to knock somebody out you really have to hit them in the head because what's happening is like the tissue that's connecting your brain to your skull is rock so severely that your brain touches your skull and you get knocked out. If you hit somebody on the back, like in the spine, all you're doing is paralyzing them. So, right. That person has maybe fallen on the ground, but they're totally conscious and aware of what's happening. They just can't move. So the next time you guys watch Austin Powers, which I imagine will be soon, every time he does a judo shot, paralyze someone. Paralyzed a father, probably. Lockstock actually has a good bit about Lockstock and Two Smoking Barrel's realistic amount of effort to knock someone out.
Knock him out and dump him at the lights. Knock him out. What do you mean knock him out? Knock him out with what? I don't know. Use your imagination. Don't touch him up. Knock him out.
And that's the thing. If every movie knockout had the hero like beat you with the pipe in the head like a good six times, and then you slowly fall asleep and shake a little on the ground and then are asleep, I think we would feel differently about every action hero. Yeah. I was seeing you back to the original Ninja Turtles movie, which is one of my favorites, and it's No Woo. That's fine.
One of your favorite Ninja Turtles movies? Is that the same person who liked Empire? Is that just one person who is a fan of movies that we all like?
In that, Casey Jones and Raphael have a fight where Casey Jones hits him in the face with a croak, like a croak, a cricket mallet. Cricket? Nobody understands cricket. You got to know what a crumpet is to understand cricket.
I'll teach you.
He gets hit right in the face with it and gets up and is like, oh, that guy can fight. Like that, what would happen to that scenario is that's where Raphael would spend that whole rest of the movie in the bathtub recovering. Like, that's just where Casey Jones hit him so hard in the face. But also, I would say this gray area there, because the physiology of a mutated turtle person is, I don't know if they have any level of super strength or anything.
Michael, I would say, I mean, I have tremendous respect for you. I think you're on the wrong side of history here. Okay, I'd say it. You'll be looked at as a bigot later. Is this what you're telling me?
Yeah, 100%. 100%.
The part of the turtle that is outside the shell, those are the sensitive parts. That's what the shell is for. I stand corrected.
One that pissed me off this past year, particularly, because we had been mad lately. You have been mad lately. I'm furious. Can you feel the seething anger?
It is, Michael's about a genius, and it was the whole, it was basically in the title for the movie Lucy that most humans only use 10% of their brains. Human beings only use 10% of their brains capacity. Now they say that we can only access 20% of our brains. This lets you access all of it.
We debunked this so long ago, and yet when people pointed out that that's completely not true, scientifically and not a valid premise for a movie, everyone was like, oh, you guys ruined it. It's just a movie, but it's such an insane... It's crazily persistent. Limitless is the same premise. You don't need to disprove it scientifically. It sounds like nonsense.
Well, it's based on the fact that when you look at a brain scan, only part of the brain is lit up, but that's because you're doing certain things. Why would you have a brain, like your body, I mean, yes, there's the appendix, but at some point in evolutionary history it's served to function. Your brain would not be just like, 10% is your thinky part, and the rest is just like packing peanuts in there. We wanted to give it some room to breathe. It's a very child-like assumption of the brain that is like, the brain is the thinky part, but there's so much brain, so we can only do 10%. God forbid we have that much thinky. Right, I feel like it persists because people sort of feel like, it's as simple as, well, I got smarter, why did my brain not grow? How then are you saying that I'm cramming more information in there?
And in Lucy, I love that the first thing that it does when you unlock your brain compulsively make you anti-gravity, like you fly to the ceiling. Because your brain stops gravity. That's what I immediately thought, oh, I didn't realize, my brain is constantly going like, don't fall up into space, man. Do not keep pushing down. Down is good.
A time in your life when your brain does fire in more hemispheres all at once, and it's when you're a very small baby, and it's just like learning how to make these neural pathways that then you make, and you become a functioning adult. But babies aren't super powered. I mean, when babies, when it fires in all those different hemispheres for babies, all they can do is just freak out, like not know what to do. Man, the world would be amazing if that did equate to like Lucy level fighting abilities. Like babies don't know what they're doing or how to talk, but they just can't stop kicking ass. Lucy has decided that access to the other 90% of your brain means you can change your eye color, hair color, and the rules of the physical world that governs all of our behavior. It would be amazing if someone was like, oh, fuck, I'm really sorry. I had a baby, so like we all have to be very careful.
Don't go anywhere. I mean, she's adorable. Don't go anywhere near her because she could split your brain if she wants to. I need to pat you down for weapons before you go near her because she'll take them from you and kill you.
It's everyone is looper. It was just the world would fall apart.
The thing is, even though Lucy is the most egregious and uses that specific statistic, I hate genius being quantified in this numerical way. Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. He's just as brilliant as you are. We'll see about that. So, for example, I think I said this on the very last episode of the podcast, but it's real short, is that I love amusing myself by thinking of Bobby Fischer like trying to compete with anyone doing anything other than chess just because it's like not so smart now, Mr. Fischer.
I'm a very bitter person, anyone who's good at anything. I despise.
But the one I wanted to talk about, it's actually an amazing show, Manhattan. Does anyone watch Manhattan?
Streaming now? Hard Hulu. Hard, no, from the entire audience.
One, two, three, four, seven in the back. So I persist regardless.
There's a show called Manhattan, and a lot of other shows do this where, to a layman, it's about life at Los Alamos and building the nuclear bomb, so every character's a genius. We have the highest combined IQ of any town in America. And I just love how, in reality, everyone understands that people sometimes have great insights once in their life because they slept in the right place or it was the right day, and so many things affect how the mind tackles a problem. Yet, in Manhattan, there's a guy who's the most geniously, and he's always gonna win, like in a Dr. House kind of way. And you could come to him and be like, hey, how do you feel about the Cubs this year? And he'd be like, well, game seven's gonna happen this way because I'm so smart that I can take anything and pursue statistics and physics and know the answer. There's to bring it home to a reference that slightly more people will be aware of because I've seen more than anyone in Dr. House.
He's a phenomenal diagnostician. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
If that's a word. Yep, that's the one. Thanks. Gun hilt, diagnostician. All right. Doctor.
And we will take that, like, oh, he has spent his life being really good at knowing what is wrong with people, and that's why he's Dr. House and not some other dipshit that we don't know about. Mr. House, what the fuck is that? But he is also, for no reason, a phenomenal piano player, and there's a specific episode in House where he solves an illness because he knows, like, six different languages, and there's, like, a top secret government agent that calls a peanut a certain different version of peanut from Brazil, Brazil nuts, and Dr. House is like, oh, no, you called it this word from this language, but you accidentally meant this word from this language.
From this ancient dead end. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.
Cock-a-what-this?
It's crazy that there's no... It's lupus! He has, like... He has, like, 20 interns, and there's no one that wants to be like, so just to be clear, if I want to be the next Dr. House, I need to be really good at medicine and also learn, like, the nuances of subtle language difference of, like, what different part... different regional parts of Brazil call different nuts during their big, like, nut parade.
And, like, it's specifically classical music. Like, that's something you have to, like, understand classical music and, like, know how to just inherently know how to play a classical music instrument.
That's what they're called. I wrote this when I was in junior high school. Does this have anything to do with his hand? Yeah, and if I remember, at the end of that episode, he just drops a finished Rubik's Cube and walks away, right? No, that's the other one.
People can figure out Rubik's Cubes quickly. Like, what? The biggest misconception about cubing is that it's difficult, which it really isn't. Pop culture treats the Rubik's Cube like some sort of IQ test, but it's not. You just need to get lucky. Or at least that's a big part of it. Which, by the way, if you want to, you can go on YouTube, and many, many people can show you, this is what people who do Rubik's Cubes do. You do this over and over and over, and eventually the Rubik's Cube works itself. By the way, this podcast is a testament to exactly what you're talking about, that you have such a vast encyclopedic knowledge, all of you, about these complex and, like, things that no one has ever, no one has ever seen or witnessed, and yet you don't know what the end of a gun is called. Like...
Hey, don't distance yourself from us, Gary. I'm sorry.
And the end of a gun, I think I said it, it's a hilt parade, what did I say? Hilt. Gun hand stick. And, like, Sherlock can think his way through a fist fight.
Discombobulate. Dazed.
Will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block.
Physical recovery six weeks. For psychological recovery six months.
Like, by looking at the angles. At least with Sherlock they do the piece, certainly in the show, where he doesn't know that the sun doesn't revolve around the earth. That the earth goes around the sun.
Oh, God, that again. It's not important. How can you not know that? Like, they try and give him some blind spots, at least, but he still, I mean, plays the violin. Come on. You don't have time for that.
Although that character is realistic in that I think he was on just loads of cocaine in the original story, so he might believe he can, like, do all these things. He gets so much done. The last unwritten Arthur Conan Doyle story as he wakes up in an opium den and is like, that was a rad dream. They've never done the Sherlock Holmes from, like, the police officer's point of view where the next day is like, oh, no, yeah, it turns out that he was, like, super high on cocaine.
We can't use any of this. Should we arrest him?
Put the mud on your sleeves, indicates. Get out of here, you drunk. Get out of here. Have some coffee. Go home. We'll talk about this tomorrow. Your boots, sir. All right, go home.
Guns are a thing, speaking of us not having anything about guns. I've talked in past episodes about sort of, I haven't been in many shootouts, and so all the shootouts that I've experienced have been in movies, so, you know, I thought that you had to incessantly cock a gun before you shot someone. Oh, shit. Even though that will make the bullets come out of the gun. No, you cock a gun is like... Technically, that's what a gun's supposed to do, by the way. You cock a gun is like a show of strength.
Like, if someone's like, I want to murder your daughter, cock. And then you're like, you better not. Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock. And you're like, oh, you're very serious.
They put their gun down. Look at all the bullets on the ground. Listen to all the cocks. And I get the dramatic purpose of that. One that I was kind of surprised by is that sniper snipers in general, like sniper shots...
Where? Oh, God. Have a very specific thing in movies that's just put the little cross thing over the tiny soldier in the scope. And the reality when you interview, I know they're not really tiny soldiers today. They're far away, Jack. There's a whole Sesame Street you should see. Here.
But the truth is, they have to point it up in the sky and to get it to curve and arch around. We interviewed this one sniper who had to aim a shot 56 feet to the left and 38 feet high because it was windy. And you have a partner doing math next to you and whispering stuff to you, right? It's a very complicated, basically dumbed-down version of launching a rocket. It's just a bullet. It's crazy that they ignore all of that in Saving Private Ryan, which feels like a very authentic war movie.
But in the meantime, Barry Pepper's character, he sees someone in his sights, prays to God, and then shoots the guy. Oh, I guess God wanted that guy dead.
I guess that was his plan. Or her plan.
Nice. Don't clap for him.
He says that every time. Or she says that every time.
What else do we have? Well, if we're talking about guns, we could talk about stormtrooper aim a little bit. Which is, I mean, a classic trope to rail against, but we were talking backstage a little bit. I think about something that makes it interesting for us, which is, of course, I think I don't even have to, everyone knows what stormtrooper aim is, right?
They're bad. They're bad at shooting, you guys.
Any time you've ever asked an audience to understand or agree with a point that you're making, don't worry about it. No, it's a bit.
We're all going to hug at the end of the show. I told them, whenever I give you permission to validate me, just shove me down. Even when you walked out on a stage, you were like, I'm Michael, right?
And they're all like, we're not sure. Sat and waited.
But the point being that stormtroopers are really shitty at shooting, obviously, even though they're all, later we find out, I'm a little hazy on it, but clones of a perfect soldier who are trained from birth to shoot at people, they still miss our heroes who are just standing in a hallway shooting back, going, you're dead, you're dead, you're dead, let's go. It's out. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise. And that's true in, of course, almost every action franchise, or a very, very, very good action film will somehow find clever ways to not have the heroes just stack up a huge body count. But almost every action movie goes like, let them have it, just have the terrorists miss. Not because he's clever, just because they happen to miss, and he doesn't, so he wins.
And something that's really interesting about that is that there are all kinds of studies that show in war or police, in real world situations where people who have been trained shoot for the first time, there is a huge biological imperative not to kill humans. And unless they're attacking your kids or something, not to murder a stranger, it's difficult to do. Show of hands if it's difficult for you to murder. Good. For most people, it's tough, and it's a hard thing to do, and even people in war report like ordering their crack unit of great shooter guys to, so its point was very apt, to fire at the enemy, and like 75% of them miss intentionally, or don't fire, and you gotta go, come on, come on, come on, over and over, and then the battle sort of warms up.
It's like a junior high prom. It's really a terrible, it's really a terrible strategy on the part of the empire because the similar studies have found that it would be really easy to kill a storm trooper because they look like a bunch of no personality robots. Anonymous skulls. I mean, that's why Luke Skywalker can be like, you're fucking, you're a goomba for Mario, you're nothing, I can just kill any one of you. And the storm troopers are like, what is life?
I don't wanna take it. Look at this boyishly handsome man. I can't pluck this flower from the galaxy. And his feathered hair. I don't wanna do that.
It is, it feels like the trope that's wrong though is the other one, the one that the good guy is so good at shooting everybody. Exactly. So yeah, if I just to finish the words, is that by that logic, if you take that as the reason that villains can never hit, it's because they have empathy and don't wanna take lives, then every hero is the worst, like as a sociopath. These thousands of Jengofets are like, I'm not sure we're on the right side of history and Harrison Ford is just like, pow pow pow pow pow. Don't question your blaster, kid. Murder anyone your gun wants you to murder. Lasers are free. But yeah, it's basically, I realized every movie with guns in it is the story of the person who won because they were Kaiser Soze, like they didn't care about killing everyone. It took nothing from their souls every single time that they did it. Time to face destiny. Like I would love to see a James Bond late franchise movie where they're like, James, we got a mission.
He's like, what? What?
Oh God, I'm sorry. I've been having terrors at night a lot lately. I shake, I just shake and shake. It's fine.
Kill this guy. A James Bond where there was a guy who was like, look, here's a picture of my wife.
I really like her. I hope to put many kids in her and maybe one of them will be president one day.
There was, I mean, this season was dark shit, but there was any time there needed to be a shootout. It was like, here are the four people that we've known who are complicated. And then let's just bring out like wave after wave of disposable guys who like have tattoos and we hate that.
There's another one that I just thought of that's very, that's a line, which is guys get shot, especially like Westerns and stuff. A guy gets shot in the chest and he falls off the balcony or they get shot in the gut and they fall down and come down a wall. And that means they're dead.
But that's not what happens. I mean, hardly ever does that happen.
They sit there for six hours. But you hear more screams during that phase. Now is the part where like their lungs slowly fill with fluid or like now is the part where like their stomach as it eats the rest of their intestines. And like, and that means that these people who are having this romantic scene at the end after the bad guys are all shot and dead, there's a lot of them just hunched on walls watching it happen. Watching them like kiss for the final time. Shit in their pants.
And all those times at the end of the movie where the protagonist wakes up in the hospital and is like, am I going to make it? And they say, it was touch and go for a while, but you're going to make it. Everything's fine. In reality, am I going to make it?
Yeah, but like you don't have a colon now. It's just gone.
Or for insurance reasons, we don't want to say you're like going to make it. We're watching you for a couple days. Yeah, I just love in John Ford Westerns how like men had the good courtesy to just die and be like, oh, so long. Just be wiped from existence. Like no longer trouble anyone. You have like a knife in the gut. And it takes them two seconds before they're out. Everyone's death rattle is like half a second or less. It's really an appropriate amount of dying narratively. It's like, oh, you're going to be fine.
No, I'm not telling my wife. She's the best.
Okay, good. This is as much time as I needed to go and kill the rest of the bad guys. And that's immediately another one that really bugs me, which is I cannot believe in real life the same proportion of people as in movie universe when they are dying quickly or like, I'm going to sum up my life in a really good way in a way that's going to propel your life forward in a new direction. Got it. It's okay.
I'm dead. I love you. You know what I thought today? What's that? I'm going to die now.
I always just thought I was a coward, that if like I got shot here in this theater tonight, I would turn to, which it doesn't even need to be someone close to me. Whomever I can grab, I would be like, tell Michael Swain he still owes me $40. Tell this person he's a piece of shit. Tell the following nine people, I wish I could have had sex with him. Tell my mom, sorry about all the things I did. Tell this person like I was like so many. I'm positive if I got shot, all I would think to say is, oh no. I'm still like I'm the next and I'd be out. Tell Taco Bell they never should have gotten rid of the loaded potato grillers because I still want those.
And if you're in a battle and you get shot and you're telling him, tell all these people, all these things. It's to my death. It's got blood on it. And you're over him. You're dead too. You get shot and everyone around you is in the wars like that he's taken care of. I don't need to make sure. Tell my wife these things. Watch out for that. Oh, you're dead. Jack, tell him.
Unless someone gets them and does CPR, in which case they're coming back to life. Did you guys see the last Fast and Furious movie? Of course. Oh, yeah. That had the strangest CPR. It acknowledged the trope that, okay, CPR almost always brings people back. But then he came back to life, or he was faking dead? Maybe. That was truly amazing because a man performed CPR on Vin Diesel who won this battle with Jason Statham by stomping on the ground with stomp to force the world to quake beneath him.
And I think it was like, in a battle of a street fight, the street always wins. That might be a direct quote. The street always wins. And then he stomped on the street and then the street won. I heard it was the last Airbender shout out. Yeah.
And then he was dead. He was unconscious for, according to Soren, an amount of time that would kill his brain and they could fill up with blood.
Yeah, but it's Vin Diesel. You don't notice if he loses some atmospheres. And then a man with medical training comes up and is like, I've got medical training and does CPR on him for a while. And then Michelle Rodriguez is like, get out of here with your fancy medical training.
I'm just going to tell him a story. You made that do it! And she tells him a story. And then Vin Diesel is like, I thought you'd never ask. Or whatever, some other thing. It's about time.
He hasn't breathed for three minutes. He has not taken a breath for a very long time.
And she's like, I think we should take a trip together. And he's like, how about Hawaii? Whatever he says, that it's clear that he was holding his breath for 14 minutes until someone gave him a natural segue that he wanted.
Well, that movie in particular also hits one of the best examples I've ever seen of a trope that kills me, which is that car accidents are just awful, you guys. True. Injure and tweak your musculoskeletal system so easily in such a way that is like pain in the ass for a year while you work it out. Like, everyone I've known who's been from a minor to a major car accident other than, you know, a fender bender, there are repercussions that are pretty serious. Every movie character can get in a fairly serious accident and walk away.
Let's throw up. And my favorite one in Furious 7 is, like, the first time I think Vin is against whoever turns out being the big villain. They just play chicken and crash and get out and walk away. And when you're like, who won, Matt? What is going on? What I love is imagining the screenwriter who's like, okay, well, what do these two tough guys do? Well, it's a karma movie, of course. They're going to go balls out. They're going to play chicken.
All right. I'm writing. Oh, this is good. All right.
They're revving at each other. Oh, they're closer. What's a clever...
What if they just hit? Okay. Oh, well, now they're dead. What if they just live?
Like, there's no... That's the most... There's nothing clever. It's not a good action sequence. It does nothing. I disagree. That's one of the most phenomenal things I've ever seen where...
And you're giving the screenwriter too much credit by assuming that he's on cocaine while he's writing this. The screenwriter, whom I know...
He's a nine-year-old boy. I babysit for him sometimes.
And that was just Jason Statham and Vin Diesel face off in cars. And they rev their engines a bunch by... And this is true. Like, gripping their steering wheels more and then the engine revs impossibly. And then they drive directly into each other. And then they both get out of the car and mutual respect is like, you're pretty good at driving into me.
I was gonna say the same. You happened to survive. I see you did as well. I suppose the movie will continue then.
They ruined all the sacredness of the game of chicken though. Chicken doesn't mean anything when everybody gets out of the cars at the end and is like, oh, you didn't turn away. Oh, you didn't either.
And we're both now talking about this because we're walking and standing and everything is fine. It's kind of an awkward ending to a game of chicken. Yeah. Which is an important point in this podcast about Furious 7. That we've apparently stumbled into.
Well, you'd think that a movie dedicated to the memory of someone who passed away in a car accident wouldn't imply that, like, surviving a car accident is just a matter of, like, willpower. Just, like, if you're really tough, you survive. I did not put that together. The whole thing is, like, you can survive anything with willpower.
Like, he has a broken arm. The Rock has a broken arm. His arm's in a cast. And then he's like, uh, well, this is inconvenient now, and flexes out of it.
What the fuck? You didn't see? So you think the makers of Furious 7 were like, Paul, what a winner, Paul. Did you guys hear?
And, like, built the movie around. I think it's, like, Christian science. They, like, think that all injuries and death is just, like, human fear. I hate how much this argument holds up. And I would love to find out that it's secretly a bunch of Christian scientists writing Fast and Furious.
And this is where they've been leading. It really does work. And there have been, like, two movies in the last 15 years of my life that have made me tear up. And the end of Fast 7 was one of them. Because it was a really touching tribute to Paul Walker. But you're right.
A whole lot of that movie has been, like, Vin Diesel and Woman in Car were in peril. And they're surrounded by other cars. And everyone's like, Vin, how are you going to get out of this one?
Trust me. And he just, like, drives off a cliff. It's really like, do you trust me? And it works.
Like, he falls off a cliff and, like, lands. And they get out of the car. And she's like, that's why you're the best. That's one way down the mountain. At least, like, go into water. Like, they land in water. Well, that's just like the ground. He drives off a cliff and, like, fucking hits a bunch of trees in the ground. And, like, you know, standard stuff that you would assume would happen if a person falls off a cliff. Except at the end, he gets out, and they're like, you truly are the fastest and most furious.
Those trees didn't have will. We broke the trees, but we're fine.
Don't talk to me. I'm sprinting away.
Which is what I love, because I actually, seven was the first one I saw. I have not seen any of the previous ones. Does it hold up? No, I was in the theater, and at one point, I leaned over to people that I was with, and I was like, so are there Navy SEALs or what's there?
And they're like, shut up. No, they're just kids from the neighborhood who are good at drifting. It doesn't make sense. Don't worry about it.
Can I tell you something? What's going on? Can I tell you something that would blow your mind?
They used to steal DVD plays. DVD players and digital cameras alone are worth a million too, which brings a grand total to six million plus. We're in the political crosshairs now, Brian. Well, how they started was like, we're the best DVD player stealers in the planet. And that's what I realized is a secret, underlying rule of fighting, whether it be fighting with cars or with guns or with gun fu or whatever, is...
Gun cotta.
Where are we talking wanted, or are we talking equilibrium? Anyway. It's like the guy-brush three-plood rule of fighting. The first time I played Monkey Island, does that scan for anybody? Thank you. Finally. You sword fight by just picking witty banter, And if you pick the witty or banter then you win the sword fight and if well as a kid I was like well That's a dumb way to get out of not having combat control ability in your game But now it's an adult I realize movies also function on that exact same like if you walk into a room and say the thing that shuts the other Person down you're also gonna like hack all their body parts off with a sword really well funny guy Sully. I like you It's why I'm going to kill you last dodge this barbecue How do you like your ribs? See in this world, there's two kinds of people my friend.
I Was with loaded guns No, you dig You dig when it take you to the bank senator You want to be a farmer here's a couple of acres You kill my father Prepares to lose there's always pain about their best Winners go home and fuck the prom queen remember Sally when I promised to kill you last I Lie it if you rewatch the first Mortal Kombat which Nope, I recommend. I'm really sorry to tell you this now. We're going to do As soon as this podcast is over and no one's allowed to leave I'm sorry Not even for the bathroom There's there's an extended scene the first time that Chang Sung shows up on the boat with our heroes from Earth There's a scene that is just Cool one-liners. I'm not gonna get it verbatim You can't I could we all know you can't but it's Chang Sung who goes to Sonya blade is like you can walk The walk but can you talk to talk and she's like get a pretty big bark? But how about your bite and then Raiden shows out even a lightning pun like Nothing, it's just a series of one-liners how good of you to graces with you Prisons my dominions are well known to me sorcerer won't happen again. I promise you I shall see to that We are getting aggravated. Yes, we are and like Shang Sung shows up with Scorpion and sub-zero ready to fuck these guys up on this boat, which is his right as an American And then Raiden says the like like a one-two punch killing one liner that are that it was like your feet are stupid Whatever you've all heard your body's very one-liners before wait. Let me and shake something just like And they leave it's like an entire one-liner battle defeated by the one. Yeah, it's like oh, that's a good one I can't think come on Scorpion with your monster hand and sub-zero with your ice powers We don't bet we didn't get any lines so we can't win the battle.
Yeah There are just certain phrases that people who write movies Agree that like movie characters say that nobody has ever said before like we've got company. Oh We've got company looks like we've got company looks like we got company. We got company. We've got company. We have company I don't think anybody has ever Said that unless they That's such a vague thing to say when you're in danger because like we've got company They're like gonna help us.
Can you be more? I don't know. It's just company people are here. Right? It's like put your boat away. We've got company, right? right, but like only contacts if I'm henchmen a bad guy and one of the other bad guys looks out the window is like we've got company and Then just like lets it sit in the air Sure, but like do you mean more bad guys are coming to help us? Or do you mean like is there a plan the other guys are coming to destroy us? Like I need more information, but it's too late. Cuz now the thing is here or a queen Yeah, it could be people have come to visit us at our stormtrooper level. Yeah, we've got company.
It's it's mail mail happening for being so stoic like action heroes are kind of drama queens cuz like everything we've been talking about is just them like Building suspense and like building like they just like really love a moment Well, I love this trope actually kind of has fallen out of favor But while doing research for this one I found online that I was like that is an amazing point is back when there were operators and it's especially true and diehard The operators a are terrible at their job to make the action heroes life Inordinately difficult in an unrealistic way and then the action hero always like has had it up to here with these up So it die hard. It's he's like terrorists are under attack. They have already killed one hostage They are fortifying their positions while you're jerking me up on a radio This is a reserve channel, she's like, should I connect you Line is reserved for emergencies, right? And he just said terrorists are killing everyone and then he goes It's not like I'm ordering a freakin pizza lady. Oh, you've only seen the No fucking shit lady It's amazing in diehard to when like his hero cred is already established and then he goes to this fucking Airport cop Dennis Franz which spoiler alert airport cop is a thing And he's like look, I think people are murdering people in your airport and he's like look hero cop I don't know how things are done in Los Angeles You think that LA badge is gonna get you a free lunch or something around here, but we let terrorists do whatever they want Yeah, okay. Good.
You don't know how things are done in Los Angeles. Well, I'll let you know how they're done We have a series of laws that are very important and we have sounded like America social Which we're also a home alone to the cops are just terrible at their jobs Like they let the cops know.
Hey, my son is home alone. He's eight years old The cops go by the house and like well, no one answered the door after one knock There's no one home. The house looks secure. I'm the counter kids again I think she's lying the the first time alone cops show up there and like no one answered that bitch is crazy No, no one of these pranks really pretend that their child is home alone Adults always cranking the cops and saying they left their children.
You probably miscounted. I bet you got him Come on, lady. It's Christmas What else lightning round we only have 10 minutes left Oh shoot, we do should we ask the audience how they feel about this post 9-11 world? or a different question Yeah, if people have tropes that they want to see retired and this is officially gonna happen These these tropes will be retired after this part Hollywood is big fans We're gonna watch Mortal Kombat and then Hollywood is gonna come out and be and be like you will write and they're gonna I don't want to brag, but there are a lot of people in Hollywood that I would point a gun at and then hug Okay, so in like what's your name? Spencer? Hey Spencer.
Hey, my name is Jay Okay, so in like car action movies this happens all the time guys are like in their cars Like we're having enough like getting ready to go and it's like oh, it's about to get serious and they just pull the gear shifter. I Don't know why like just Cars are ready to go. Yeah, you turn your car. You may not know this the stick shift is act or the shift on the tree is actually that's like the Cocking mechanism on a gun, right? It ejects bullets on that's how you let people know that you mean business Transmissions are not a thing. So you don't have to worry about that. I've also I've driven Manual before and it doesn't start with like let me I have to flip this millennium Falcon switch and then do this and then do That and then like wait with someone and then drive and you think that they wouldn't have the balls to do that because we've all Driven cars. We know how cars work, but Well, that's what gets me about chase car chase sequences in almost every movie is there a few movies where they'll go to the trouble Of having every on the road like flip their car acts like a maniac usually Michael Bay because he just loves flipping cars But there are many many action movies where something exactly like that is happening and they're weaving left and right and every other Extra car on the street is like staying perfectly steady So it's not to disrupt this crazy car chase Whereas I think our whole audience who just drove through LA traffic get here Realizes that everyone sucks at driving here And if the Terminator like swung out on a crane everyone just flipped their car like the cars would just all flip over but what's crazy about movies is that between Spencer and Literally all of the man children at this table or women children We all know that This is not how you drive a car like and we're not we're not like main car people We're just like existing humans in the world But still Hollywood chooses to hire the one person who doesn't know how cars work to write his car fight movie and then and then they make the movie with hundreds of people and no one says like I don't know if you've ever driven a car It's also amazing the response time of a horn when there's an emergency situation on on the highways because as soon as somebody like comes Into your lane immediately. It's like I Whereas when I'm seeing a sudden death situation, I never go to the horn first It's always like terror and then when I'm mad five seconds later, then I'm like, oh, yeah Although just for realism sake I would like to see one movie where people are like on top of an oil tank or speeding Down the 405 like doing witty banter back and forth and all you hear is 30 people honking. All you hear Honking and cars and the police in the world and tight segway four points of connection. I Would love a movie where a guy comes up to cars like official police business.
I need to come to your vehicle and he's like no Please can I commandeer this vehicle? No, just he's just not gonna bend on this commandeering thing are you No, cuz what are you gonna it's the cop like whoop it again? Well, I'll shoot you like there's nothing No, don't murder me for my car. That's that's a I mean, I'm not a cop like you but that's a crime I know that ain't no way All right.
We have six minutes left. Thanks Spencer five people lined up. Thank you Spencer So you guys are gonna have to fight to see who asks the question.
No Well, you can go first I'm Joe. Hey Joe Joe.
So I don't know if I just had a really lame high school experience But I feel like in every high school movie Everyone is always getting laid and hooking up like way more right in real life. Here's the deal We all get laid before we graduate And yeah, and I think it also like the 10% of the brain thing I feel like movies well and especially sitcoms still abide by The statistic quote-unquote that meant think about sex seven times every day or every seven seconds or something and no seven times Seven times in their life, right? I thought yeah And there have actually been studies to like debunk that and that's there didn't need to be right because you But I have a feeling every time everyone ever asked to do it like seriously Do you think about sex every seven seconds? They're like, no, they're like, I don't believe bullshit In those movies, there's always like we're gonna get laid we're gonna have sex, but there's no like there's Progression that you go through it was like, well, I really want to like get a blowjay, right? That's like do that. That's what the kids Clear sway of like breaking from a group of friends if I'm in in high school and senior year and someone's like Let's make a pact right now. We all get laid It's like now I let's make a different pact.
You're not my friend anymore. I win And it's especially creepy in retrospect that all the ones in the late 70s early 80s are like any means necessary, dude Anything to get late anything take off your mask Any important to store man? Revenge of the nerds you dressed like the other guy She thinks I'm her boyfriend Exactly, did you win? Yeah. Yeah, I won.
There's a huge lawsuit I can't be here anymore. Star Wars also suing us.
It's a bad scene People probably didn't have sex in high school. I'm sure Alright, I'm gonna have to go with the one where people come out of a crowd or shadows for dramatic effect during monologue or something for an example I think it's one of the last Harry Potter Snape is like talking to everybody and it's all quiet and Harry comes out of the crowd and start telling him about killing Dumbledore, right? It seems despite your exhaustive defensive strategies you still have a bit of a security problem headmaster But the amount of coordination that takes and him like bumping the people next to him. Hey, don't turn me in don't worry I'm gonna come out Talk to people as he's sneaking in.
Yeah The moment we're building to We were talking about that for Edge of Tomorrow where Tom Cruise is like trying to rally a bunch of troops And he does this whole speech and at the end of they're like why are we supposed to trust you? It's like you're not supposed to trust me You're supposed to trust her and then Emily Blunt walks in and she was either like Started from a mile back and was like, I hope he gets there in time or just like hung out behind the door Right, right. Like I hope they ask. I hope they do like a reasonable segue for him to see trust But no just send her first, right? Yeah, no, I really wanted to see the planning phase where she's like, well, what if they just trust you and he's like they won't trust All right. I got this if at the beginning of Tom Cruise behind the coach one of them was like, hey It's Emily Blunt back there Like hides behind a plant, right? It's Nick van Owen and Vince Vaughn's character in the Lost World where as soon as things start to go to shit He's doing this whole thing and and he's going like don't worry They sent a backup plan and someone says what's the backup plan? And he goes me just as he like finishes building a wrench or something nonsense Me I believe he dives his hand into a bag of two fists What if no one said what's the backup plan like that ruins his entire speech like don't worry They sent it back a plan and then if they said oh good I won't worry then you like the back of play a really great back of plans.
I'm like, yeah Hi Hey, I I really like the beard that people grow when they're out of practice or they've retired from doing something Conan you probably were able to try a lot of crazy sandwiches on all your time off. Hey What happened to your face? His world are white still You look terrible right It's like All right, I think that's yes and What's like I like them too It's like five days of stubble after like ten years of leaving the game You know what I mean like leaving whatever job you were doing made you forget how to shave right in there's an episode of scrubs in season five episode five called my lunch where Dr. Cox inadvertently kills like 12 She died of rabies by giving them rabies and then he was like he like walks out of his practice and started shrinking and then The very next episode has a beard.
It was like this whole time I I wanted to grow a beard, but I just needed to kill people. I wasn't sad and drunk enough today All right. Y'all have to become an alcoholic to grow a beard You're getting back. So an alcoholic. I just have to yeah beards come from sadness Yeah, you'll get there Sorry, Michael All right.
Thanks everybody for coming out your question. Thank you so much Thanks Hey you guys we have a live podcast coming up on February 3rd a great way for movie making right an art that has been with us for generations We're gonna fix the Oscars the Academy Awards We're gonna make up new categories that are better than the ones we have and here are the nominees for the better awards Where's your podcast gonna be? Oh, you should be theater That's right.
Thanks Dan witty or banter then you win the swordfight and if well as a kid I was like, well, that's a dumb way to get out of not having combat control ability in your game But now it's an adult I realize movies also function on that exact same like if you walk into a room and say the thing that shuts the other person Down, you're also gonna like hack all their body parts off with a sword really well funny guy Sully. I like you It's what I'm going to kill you last dodge this barbecue How do you like your ribs See in this world, there's two kinds of people my friend I Was with loaded guns You take You take I'm gonna take you to the bank You want to be a farmer here's a couple of acres You kill my father Prepares to lose there's always pain about their best Winners go home and fuck the prom queen remember Sally when I promised to kill you last That's why I lied if you rewatch the first Mortal Kombat which Nope, highly recommend. I'm really sorry to tell you this now. We're going to do As soon as this podcast is over and no one's allowed to leave I'm sorry Not even for the bathroom There's there's an extended scene the first time that Chang Sung shows up on the boat with our heroes from Earth There's a scene that is just Cool one liners. I'm not gonna get it verbatim You can't we all know you can But a shank song who goes to Sonya blade is like you can walk the walk But can you talk to talk and she's like get a pretty big bark? But how about your bite and then Raiden shows up not even a lightning pun like right? No nothing It's just a series of one liners. How good of you to graces with you Prisons my dominions are well known to me sorcerer won't happen again. I promise you Let's just see to that we are getting aggravated Yes, we are and like shank song shows up with Scorpion and sub-zero ready to fuck these guys up on this boat, which is his right as an American and then Raiden says the Like like a one-two punch killing one liner that it was like your feet are stupid. Whatever you've all heard Your body's right one liners before wait, let me and shank song just like And they leave it's like an entire one liner battle defeated by the one. Yeah, it's like, oh, that's a good one I can't think come on Scorpion with your monster hand and sub-zero with your ice powers.
We're not gonna be don't with that We didn't get any lines. So we can't win the battle.
Yeah There are just certain phrases that people who write movies Agree that like movie characters say that nobody has ever said before like we've got company. Oh, we've got company Looks like we've got company looks like we got company. We've got company got company. We've got company. We have company I don't think anybody has ever said that unless they That's such a vague thing to say when you're in danger because like we've got company They're like gonna help us.
Can you be more? I don't know. It's just company people are here. Right? It's but like put your boat away. We've got company right, right, but like only contacts if I'm henchmen a bad guy and one of the other bad guys looks out the window is like we've got company and Then just like lets it sit in the air I'd be like, oh sure But like do you mean more bad guys are coming to help us or do you mean like is there a plan? The other guys are coming to destroy us like I need more information But it's too late because now the thing is here or our acquaintance is a good thing. We don't know Yeah, it could be people have come to visit us at our stormtrooper level. Yeah, we've got company.
It's it's mail Mail happening for being so stoic like action heroes are kind of drama queens cuz like everything we've been talking about It's just them like building suspense and like building like they just like really love a moment Well, I love this trope actually kind of has fallen out of favor But while doing research for this one I found online that I was like that is an amazing point is back when there were operators and it's especially true and diehard The operators a are terrible at their job to make the action heroes life Inordinately difficult in an unrealistic way and then the action hero always like has had it up to here with these up So it die hard. It's he's like terrorists are under attack. They have already killed one hostage They are fortifying their positions while you're jerking me up on a radio This is a reserve channel, she's like sir I connect This line is reserved for emergency right and he just said terrorists are killing everyone and then he goes It's not like a mortar in a freakin pizza lady. Oh, you've only seen the No fucking shit lady It's amazing in die hard to when like his hero cred is already established and then he goes to this fucking Airport cop Dennis Franz, which spoiler alert airport cop is a thing And he's like look, I think people are murdering people in your airport and he's like look hero cop I don't know how things are done in Los Angeles You think that LA badge is gonna get you a free lunch or something around here We let terrorists do whatever they want Yeah, okay.
Good. You don't know how things are done in Los Angeles. We'll all let you know how they're done We have a series of laws that are very important and we invested like American social Cops are just terrible at their jobs. Like they let the cops know.
Hey, my son is home alone He's eight years old the cops go by the house and like well, no one answered the door after one knock There's no one home. The house looks secure. I'm the counter kids again I think she's lying the first time alone cops show up there and like no one answered that bitch is crazy No, no one of these pranks where they pretend that their child is home alone Adults always cranking the cops and saying they let their children you probably miscounted.
I bet you got him Come on lady. It's Christmas What else lightning round we only have ten minutes left Oh shoot, we do should we ask the audience how they feel about this post 9-11 world? or a different question Yeah, if people have tropes that they want us to retire and this is officially gonna happen These these tropes will be retired after this part. Hollywood is We're big fans. We're gonna watch Mortal Kombat and then Hollywood is gonna come out and be and be like you will write and they're gonna I don't want to brag but there are a lot of people in Hollywood that I would point a gun at and then hug Okay, so in like what's your name?
Spencer? Hey Spencer.
Hey My name is Jay Okay, so in like car action movies this happens all the time guys are like in their cars Like we're having it up like getting ready to go and it's like oh, it's about to get serious and they just pull the gear shifter. I Don't know why like just Cars are ready to go. Yeah No, this the stick shift is act or the shift on the tree is actually that's like the Cocking mechanism on a gun, right? It ejects bullets on that's how you let people know that you mean business Transmissions are not a thing. So you don't have to worry about that. I've also I've driven Manual before and it doesn't start with like let me I have to flip this Millennium Falcon switch and then do this and then do that and then like wait with someone and then drive and you think that They wouldn't have the balls to do that because we've all driven cars. We know how cars work, but Well, that's what gets me about chase car chase sequences in almost every movie is there a few movies where they'll go to the trouble Of having every on the road like flip their car acts like a maniac usually Michael Bay because he just loves flipping cars But there are many many action movies where something exactly like that is happening and they're weaving left and right and every other Extra car on the street is like staying perfectly steady So it's not to disrupt this crazy car chase Whereas I think our whole audience who just drove through LA traffic's get here Realizes that everyone sucks at driving here And if the Terminator like swung out on a crane everyone just flipped their car like the cars would just all flip over but what's crazy about movies is that between Spencer and Literally all of the man children at this table or women children We all know that This is not how you drive a car like and we're not we're not like main car people We're just like existing humans in the world But still Hollywood chooses to hire the one person who doesn't know how cars work To write his car fight movie and then and then they make the movie with hundreds of people and no one says like I don't know if you've ever driven a car It's also amazing the response time of a horn when there's an emergency situation on on the highways because as soon as somebody like Comes into your lane immediately. It's like Oh Whereas when I'm in a sudden death situation, I never go to the horn first It's always like terror and then when I'm mad five seconds later, then I'm like, oh, yeah Although just for realism sake I would like to see one movie where people are like on top of an oil tank or speeding down the 405 like doing witty banter back and forth and all you hear is 30 people honking There's someone on your roof On the subject of honking and cars and the police and the world and tight segway four points of connection. I Would love a movie where a guy comes up to cars like official police business.
I need to come to your vehicle and he's like No Please can I commandeer this vehicle? No He's just not gonna bend on this commandeering thing are you? No, cuz what are you gonna it's the cop like well, but okay. Well, I'll shoot you like there's nothing No, don't murder me for my car. That's a I mean, I'm not a cop like you, but that's a crime.
I know getting away All right. We have six minutes left. Thanks Spencer five people lined up. Thank you Spencer So you guys are gonna have to fight to see who asks the question? No Well, you can go first. Hi, I'm Joe.
Hey Joe Joe So, I don't know if I just had a really lame high school experience But I feel like in every high school movie everyone is always getting laid and hooking up like way more Right in real life. Here's the deal. We all get laid before we graduate And yeah, and I think it also like the 10% of the brain thing I feel like movies Well, and especially sitcoms still abide by the statistic quote unquote that men think about sex seven times every day or every seven seconds Or something and no seven times seven times in their life, right? I thought yeah And there have actually been studies to like debunk that and that's there didn't need to be right because you But I have a feeling every time everyone ever asked like seriously Do you think about sex every seven seconds? They're like, no, they're like, I don't believe bullshit In those movies, there's always like we're gonna get laid we're gonna have sex, but there's no like there's Progression that you go through it was like, well, I really want to like get a blowjay, right? That's like do that. That's what the kids Clear sway of like breaking from a group of friends if I'm in in high school and senior year and someone's like Let's make a pact right now. We all get laid Like now I let's make a different pact.
You're not my friend anymore. I win And it's especially creepy in retrospect that all the ones in the late 70s early 80s are like any means necessary, dude Anything to get late anything take off your mask Any important to store man? Revenge of the nerds you dressed up like the other guys She thinks I'm her boyfriend Exactly, did you win? Yeah. Yeah, I won.
There's a huge lawsuit I can't be here anymore. Star Wars also suing us.
It's a bad scene People probably didn't have sex in high school. I'm sure Alright, I'm gonna have to go with the one where people come out of a crowd or shadows for dramatic effect during monologue or something for an example I think it's one of the last Harry Potter Snape is like talking to everybody and it's all quiet and Harry comes out of the crowd and start dealing him about killing Dumbledore, right? It seems despite your exhaustive defensive strategies you still have a bit of a security problem headmaster But the amount of coordination that takes and him like bumping the people next to him. Hey, don't turn me in don't worry I'm gonna come out Talked to people as he's sneaking in.
Yeah Moment we're building to We were talking about that for a edge of tomorrow where Tom Cruise is like trying to rally a bunch of troops And he does this whole speech and at the end of they're like, why are we supposed to trust you? It's like you're not supposed to trust me You're supposed to trust her and then Emily Blunt walks in and she was either like Started from a mile back and was like, I hope he gets there in time or just like hung out behind the door Right, right. I hope they ask I hope they do like a reasonable segue for him to see trust right, but no just send her first, right? Yeah, no, I really wanted to see the planning phase where she's like, well, what if they just trust you and he's like they won't trust me All right. I got this if at the beginning of Tom Cruise on the courage one of them was like, hey It's Emily Blunt back there Like hides behind a plant, right? It's Nick van Owen and Vince Vaughn's character in The Lost World where as soon as things start to go to shit He's doing this whole thing and and he's going like don't worry They sent a backup plan and someone says what's the backup plan? And he goes me just as he like finishes building a wrench or something Me I believe he dives his hand into a bag of two fists, right What if no one said what's the backup plan like that ruins his entire speech like don't worry They said a backup plan and then if they said, oh good.
I won't worry then you like Back a play really great back a plan Hi Hey, I I really like the beard that people grow when they're out of practice or they've retired from doing something Conan you probably were able to try a lot of crazy sandwiches on all your time off. Hey What happened to your face is Walter white still? You look terrible right All right, I think that's yes and What's like I like them too It's like five days of stubble after like ten years of leaving the game You know what I mean, right like leaving whatever job you were doing made you forget how to shave, right? and there's an episode of scrubs in season five episode five called my lunch where Dr. Cox inadvertently kills like 12 people She died of rabies by giving them rabies and then he was like he like walks out of his practice and started shrinking and then The very next episode has a beard. It was like oh this whole time I I wanted to grow a beard, but I just needed to kill people. I wasn't sad and drunk enough today Right. Y'all have to become an alcoholic to grow a beard You're getting back so I'm an alcoholic I just have to yeah beards come from sadness Sorry Michael, all right.
Thanks everybody for coming out your question. Thank you so much Hey you guys we have a live podcast coming up on February 3rd a great way for movie making right an art that has been with us for generations We're gonna fix the Oscars the Academy Awards. We're gonna make up new categories that are better than the ones we have and Here are the nominees for the better awards Where's your podcast gonna be? Oh, you should be theater. That's right. Thanks, Dan |
TheOnion | Finance_Expert_Saves_Struggling_Zoo_By_Firing_All_Employees_Getting_Rid_Of_Cages | A hard morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with today now. Coming up later, a reformed pie swiper will share his tips on how to avoid having pies stolen from your windowsill. Can't wait for that. But first, it's time for Get Both, a segment where we profile Americans that got everything they wanted thanks to innovative thinking. As always, Get Both is sponsored by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both. Not everyone is lucky enough to get $5 million from 7up10.
Case in point, the Tallahassee Zoo, which faced a major budget crisis. Luckily, they were able to get both, keep guests and animals happy, and stay profitable. And that's thanks to the zoo's new director, Maxwell Jeffries, author of the book Monster Management for Max Money.
Maxwell, welcome to Today Now. Happy to be here. Thank you. Good morning.
Now, I saw in your book, Maxwell, that you say the first step in maximizing profits is to annihilate inefficient. That's exactly right. I'm going to give you an example from the zoo. I walk in day one. I look around. Anything that's not raking in the dough has got to go. That's zookeepers, custodians, vendors. Who goes to a zoo to see people? My thoughts exactly. Right.
That must have saved you a lot of money. But without any employees, how does anything get done? Well, it gets done the same way it gets done in the jungle, with ruthless, brutal efficiency. Brings us around to our second step, engorge earnings. You cannot subsist when you're importing bamboo to feed the pandas.
So now all the animals live on delicious hay. Good enough for horses.
Kings of the jungle. Now, what's the most profitable part of the zoo? The elephants, the tigers?
No, no, no, no. The gift shop. Okay? Food court. But now the entire zoo is the gift shop.
So you come to the zoo. You look around. You see something you like.
Make me an offer. I'm a businessman. I want to make people happy.
You get both. Just like with 7 Up 10. Great taste. Only 10 calories. Get both.
And that brings me to step three, innovate the box. Only new ideas.
I'm going to give you guys an example. You're probably familiar with the old saying, don't feed the animals. Oh, right. Of course. Okay. Well, that's old fashioned thinking. At our zoo, you can feed the animals.
Anything you want? Anything you want.
Oats, eggs, batteries, you name it. More old fashioned thinking.
You go to a zoo. You walk around. You have to walk to the animals. New idea. We have sold the cages. Now the animals come right up to you.
Wow. That's so exciting. Yes.
Well, and we also invented a new tiered membership system. So for your standard membership, you go to the zoo. You get to see the animals. For your gold level membership, you get to pick any two animals, make them fight each other.
Yeah. And then with a platinum, you get one hour alone in the zoo. No questions asked. Yeah.
Wow. Well, it's so great to see a business get both in this tough economy. Just like 7-Up 10. Great taste. Only 10 calories. Get both.
Thanks, Maxwell, for coming in this morning. Thanks for having me.
Up next, today marks the 60th anniversary of the world's longest lasting police chase. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_mikey_day_punkie_johnson_and_sarah_sherman_snl | Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the Now documentary, Medea goes to Jail. a Tennessee State Senator said the bill will prevent kids from being, quote, blindsided by a sexualized performance in public. What are you talking about? drag shows don't just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. now, I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that's just what you get when you take the bus. the U.s.
Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. so I gave up eating bats for nothing? newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after Creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. so he lives in your building, huh, Colin? No. newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, And to rub it in, they're replacing Dilbert with peanuts. Oops, All Franklin. Dilbert creator Scott Adams' racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, is it okay to be white?
Oh, I'd say it's more than just okay. the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank god I'm not George Santos, said George Santos. Donald Trump accused Ron Desantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him. House Republicans concerned that China could use Tiktok to illegally gather information on Americans had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide, replied Tiktok users. that's how he really dances, too.
First Lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden. But it's mostly, hold on to the railing.
This week, South Carolina attorney Alex Murdoch was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O'brien. newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip, Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. off the record, he's got a point. here to comment.: that's what the card says. here to comment is Dilbert. Hey, Michael. Hi, Dilbert. So, had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before? Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all-white staff at the Dilbert offices. When I say, this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? let's just say I didn't see that memo. right? memos? work is boring, but it can be. it can be funny, too. that's kind of my thing. So you just thought Scott was weird?
No, I knew he was bad. he made me go into the office every single day during Covid, but he knows I'm autoimmune. You're autoimmune? do I look like somebody who's not autoimmune? Yeah, I'm a real athlete. my hair is skin, Michael. your hair is skin? Yes. I cannot stress this enough. my hair is entirely skin, and it has been the great tragedy of my life.
I'm very sorry. No, I'm sorry, Michael, for racism.
Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. Maybe he was just Scott, the funny guy, the trump-supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time. Had a great Kevin Hart impression. Well, that sounds like a racist to me. Well, turns out he was a racist. and I'm his prized creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers.
So I took a god forbid personal day. and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the Black Radicals. what? And I realized something. even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that's all about to change. race war is coming.
You ready, Michael? What? Are you ready? Because Dilbert's ready.
I woke up this morning, ready to take the streets and paint the city with the blood of the white man. Whoa! that's pretty intense, man. Yeah, then I had a cup of coffee.
And, Michael, like I always say, don't even talk to me before my coffee. God to Dilbert, everybody. this could have been an email. As this year's awards season gets underway, there's growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of best actor and best actress, and instead calling best Actor and best Actor who got paid less.
A Man in Missouri. A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an Airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people.
Puerto Rico's only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. worse, the zoo is closing. it's being advertised as all you can Eat. biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard, named for its ability to run on water, could spread harmful diseases to humans. they hope to control the population by introducing a punctuous pilot lizard. that's sweet. it was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material, so the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter A Plenty. a California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid. A new study. I tried to plow right through. A New study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life.
Yeah, but for what? Well, the Oscars are almost here. here to break down the nominees in all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. All right, guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you, but when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. This is true. she doesn't even know their names, really. here are some examples, and these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punky call Tony Hawk Tony Hocking to his face. So, Punky, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean, look, they both white men wear wheels, so I mean. But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punky told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.
And who is Rick Bernstein? that is what I said. Well, so I say it's the guy with the jeans, duh. the guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punky was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. All right, look, I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. that dude wasn't big in my house, so sue a bitch.
So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it'd be more fun to play a game we call. Who does Punky mean? Are you down to play? I feel like I don't have a choice. right. everyone, you can play along. it's super fun.
Number one, Punky referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.
I don't know. Claire Danes, maybe? Okay, let's see. is it Claire Danes? No! it's Anne Hathaway.
Wait, stop out. that really happened. No, no, put the picture back up, okay? I'm sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire? Okay, okay, she does. that's fair. I mean. you're right.
Number two, Zoe Deschanets. who does punky mean? tell me what you're thinking, Colin. I am thinking that this one has to be Zoe Deschanets. Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deschanets Zoe Deschanel? No, Zoe! Zoe! wait, all right.
Okay, all right, look. see what had happened was, right? I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show because, you know, I got to look good for Norm Michaels. Norm Michaels? Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I said, hey, don't I know you? Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. that happened that week. My bad, Miss Deschanets. Okay, last one. here we go.
Patrick Dempsey. Okay, well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm going to say Patrick Stewart. Okay, nope. she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick. you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy?
Hell, yeah. I love every show by Bing rhymes. I think you mean Shonda rhymes. No, I think you mean busta rhymes.
Oh, no. Smokey and Mikey, everyone. a porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and said it. he's a really sad man. he broke his penis and said it went completely black, which, you know, means it's never going back. the man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in Timberlands. it's really sad, man. it's really sad. a new trend among younger workers is Bare Minimum Monday, in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week, While a new trend among World War Ii veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing. fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214-year-old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. the clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater. You never know, Colin. some owners of Mcdonald's franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet-ass patty. Well, usually this doesn't go well for me, but since it's her birthday, in three days, we decided to let her do it. here is Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News. I promise you won't regret it. I'm sure not. In Sarah News, this week I'm finally turning 30, or as Colin calls it, 15 years too old.
Come on. come on. no. what? when I invited you to my birthday party, you Rsvp'd, I'm not gonna be there unless it's a Quinceanera. I don't go to Quinceaneras. Oh, really? huh. this just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.
In Science News, Nasa engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth, said my boyfriend, hey, get out of my girlfriend's underwear. good luck down there, boys. we salute you. All right. do you have any real news, Sarah? Of course. In real news, the U.s. is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the Super Pig, Which is funny because Super Pig is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror any time he catches me eating without his permission. I don't give you permission to eat. I know. those are stars. I hear my stomach gurgling. actually, yes, I can. often I read through. do you have like a stomach issue or something? No, I'm just Jewish, Colin, which isn't a disease despite what you wrote in your book. that's chapter one. Come on. In other news, just three weeks after a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. yeah, about as safe as any cocktail, Colin gets me at an after party. every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano. my family watches this show. Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg and bear feet. I'm wearing shoes. shoes don't have toenails, Colin.
In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Columbo featuring God's gift to women, Peter Falk. Oh my God, Hachi Machi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face. Honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair.
Get to the high grounds, the levees are broken, the city is flooded. Absolutely disgusting.
Well, Sarah, it is your birthday, so we've decided to get you a Very Sarah-style birthday cake. Thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin. Oh, I don't remember writing a card. go ahead, read your birthday message to me that you wrote. Sarah, too bad you can't eat this cake since you failed weigh-in. Sarah Sherman, everyone.
It was announced that Puerto Rico's only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. worse, the zoo is closing. it is being advertised as all you can Eat. Biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard named for its ability to run on water could spread harmful diseases to humans. they hope to control the population by introducing a punctuous pilot lizard. it was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material, so the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter A Plenty. a California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid.
A new study. I tried to plow right through. A New study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life. Yeah, but for what?
Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. All right, guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you, but when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. Ugh, this is true. she doesn't even know their names, really. here are some examples, and these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punky call Tony Hawk Tony Hocking to his face. So, Punky, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean, look, they both white men wear wheels, so I mean. But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago, when Punky told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.
And who is Rick Bernstein? that is what I said. Well, so I said it's the guy with the jeans, duh! the guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punky was referring to Living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. All right, look, I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. that dude wasn't big in my house, so sue a bitch.
So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it would be more fun to play a game we call. are you down to play? I feel like I don't have a choice. right. everyone, you can play along. it's super fun.
Number one, Punky referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship. uh, I don't know. Claire Danes, maybe? Okay, let's see. is it Claire Danes?
No! it's Ann Alwane. that really happened. No, no, put the picture back up, Okay? I'm sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire? Okay, okay, she does. that's fair. I mean. you're right.
What? Zooey? What?
Okay, all right, look. see what had happened was, right? I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show, because, you know, I got to look good for Norm Michaels. Norm Michaels? Anyway, I see Zooey walk past, and I said, hey, don't I know you? Yes, you did, because she was hosting this show. that happened that week. My bad, Miss Deschanets. Okay, last one. here we go.
Patrick Dempsey. Okay, well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm going to say Patrick Stewart. Okay, nope. she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey!
She knows Patrick! you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy? Hell, yeah, I love every show by Zane Rhimes. I think you mean Shonda Rhimes. No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.
Punky and mikey, everyone. a porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and said it. this is really sad, ma'am. he broke his penis and said it went completely black, which, you know, means it's never going back. the man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in Timberlands. It's really sad, man. it's really sad. a new trend among younger workers is bare minimum Monday, in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week, while a new trend among World War Ii veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing. fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214-year-old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. the clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater. You never know, Colin. some owners of Mcdonald's franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet-ass patty. Oh. usually this doesn't go well for me, but since it's her birthday, in three days, we decided to let her do it. here's Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News. Promise you won't regret it. I'm sure not. In Sarah News, this week, I'm finally turning 30, or as Colin calls it, 15 years too old.
Come on. come on. no. what? when I invited you to my birthday party, you Rsvp'd, I'm not gonna be there unless it's a Quinceanera. I don't go to Quinceaneras. Oh, really? huh. This just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.
In science news, Nasa engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth. said my boyfriend, hey, get out of my girlfriend's underwear. good luck down there, boys. we salute you. All right. do you have any real news, Sarah? of course. in real news, the U.s. is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the Super Pig, Which is funny because super Pig is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror any time he catches me eating without his permission. I don't give you permission to eat. I know. me and all the other girls are starving. are my stomach gurgling? Actually, yes, I can. often I read through. do you have, like, a stomach issue or something? No, I'm just Jewish, Colin, which isn't a disease despite what you wrote in your book. that's chapter one? Come on. In other news, just three weeks after a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. yeah, about as safe as any cocktail, Colin gets me at an after party. every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano. my family watches this show.
Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg with your bare feet. I'm wearing shoes. shoes don't have toenails, Colin.
In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Columbo featuring God's gift to women, Peter Falk. Oh, my God, Hachi Machi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face. honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair. Get to the high grounds, the levees are broken, the city is flooded. Absolutely disgusting.
Well, Sarah, it is your birthday, so we've decided to get you a very Sarah-style birthday cake. Oh, by the way, thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin. Oh, I don't remember writing a card. go ahead, read your birthday message to me that you wrote. Oh, Sarah, too bad you can't eat this cake since you failed weigh-in. Sarah Sherman, everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_7_saturday_night_live | Lauren, thanks for meeting me. yeah, you're a real Mitch.
Guys, I'm not gonna do another Laser Cats. Okay, that's fair. it's your show, and we respect that. But what if we told you that this Laser Cats is directed by none other than Steven Spielberg? Spielberg? Yeah, well, good luck with that. Laser Cats!
What? Steven.
Lauren, I've made lots of movies, but this is the best one yet. we agree. Now, keep your eyes peeled for my Hitchcockian-style cameo. you're about to get the thrill ride of your life. in the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. some will use the cats for good, others for evil.
But hey, enough about me. who's your new alien friend you found in your space ship? Oh, that's Eat. Eat? yeah, it stands for extra-awesome Terrestrial. it keeps me company when my wife and kids are away on Jupiter. Oh, geez. you're gonna miss it from base. Get the game, Nitro. I fooled you. it's the Space Nazi and Horn Head. in your possession, instanced alien creature, you hunt him over to me by the ends of the day, or future York City will suffer a cat-tast-coffee of Jurassic Proportions. No space dice. Eat is my friend. friend.
Oh, I think that you will. Anything to add, horn Head? Ah, yeah!
Kalima! we're gonna need a bigger cat. it doesn't make any sense. Why would anyone want to destroy Eat? Admiral Space Ship, you're under arrest. Hand over the alien. Never. Peace. Whoa! He turned their laser cats into normal cats. Best way, everyone's after him. he'd bring peace to the galaxy. What the?
Nitro, Help! Sorry, Kimo Sabi. I'm a General now. gotta follow the rules. Nitro, you changed! Stop! you're killing him! he just wants peace! Nitro, Help us. I'm sorry.
Tyrannosaurus Cat! let's get out of here! we gotta get Eat back to his home planet. it's the only way. Hey, check out those old pedal machines. And he's reading her alert. There they are! blast them with lasers!
Did you see my cameo? homage. like Hitchcock. Hitchcockian. catch me if you can, the Terminal. always. it's a dead end! we're done for! that was too close. awesome!
Eat Full nose! Yow! yow! yow! He turned all the laser cats normal. look, they're getting on the ship!
I guess that's the end of that, Kimo Sabi. No, Nitro.
I'm going with them. Wait! what about your wife and kids? So powerful. You know, I kept the original ending from Close Encounters so all the haters would know I didn't go soft. that makes sense.
Okay, Lauren, be honest. what did you think? I hated it. Okay, now don't be honest.
I thought it was great. You hear that, boys? we're back in business. up top! |
TheOnion | Women_Explain_How_They_d_Like_To_Have_Their_Bodies_Restricted_Next | Women, how would you like to have your bodies restricted next? I wouldn't be opposed to mandatory lobotomies. Thinking can be quite taxing sometimes. Two thirds majority vote from the state legislature before I insert my IUD. I don't think it's unreasonable to receive a drone strike next time I have sex for non-procreative purposes. Genital inspections should be followed by genital appraisals. State mandated bikini waxes. Sorry, this is up for men to decide. Dog Cone.
Construction crews working on the Notre Dame in Paris were in for quite a surprise after removing the scaffolding around the famed cathedral, revealing that they had accidentally built a mosque. When asked about the mistake, the confused construction workers admitted they had no idea why the Notre Dame's blueprints were in Arabic. In an effort to ease concerns from the Catholic population, the construction company noted that worshippers could just convert to Islam and use the new Notre Dame mosque as is. That won't be necessary, however, as mobs of Parisians have already set fire to Notre Dame once again. |
cracked | the_best_movie_hell_to_end_up_in_after_hours | Which is why, I will argue, the garlic fries are far superior to the overhyped and, frankly, disgusting truffle fries. And people who prefer truffle fries... Let's keep this civil. ...are demon people with butt brains. You... You go to hell. Truffle fries are amazing! You go straight to hell! Well, if they're not serving truffle fries there, I'd be happy to go to hell, Soren! Yeah, but like, which one? Truffle fries!
Keep up, Katie! No, which hell? You, Soren, should keep up! Now, which portrayal of hell would you send Michael, your dearest friend, to go to?
Good... I mean... One of the good ones, obviously. I don't want to send Michael to a bad hell.
Oh, thanks, buddy. Anytime, buddy.
So... I guess we're talking about hell? You know what hell always seemed kind of fun? I bet he's gonna tell us. I am. Hercules.
It's just like a cool pool party for dead people. Except the pool is way cooler than a normal pool, because it's all swirly.
Yeah, but all the spirits never seemed like they were having a good time. They were just moaning, and forlorn, and dizzy, and probably having a lot of motion sickness. And, oh yeah, also they were in hell. Yeah, see, but they're just dumb.
What you gotta do is pick a spot on the wall, and every time you swirl around, you just check in with the spot. That way you never get dizzy.
Yeah, but all the spirits are trying to leave the swirl. They're always grabbing onto Hades whenever he boats over them. Yeah, if people are trying to get out of the spirit swirl pool, it probably isn't that nice in there. It's full of spirit pee or something.
I wouldn't mind. Besides, does that even count as a real hell, or is it an afterlife? Is there a heaven in that movie? Only for the gods. Classism. No. Michael, the hell everyone would want is the bedazzled hell. What about a Brendan Fraser movie, where he sells his soul to Elizabeth Hurley because he's sad, and he wants some strange woman he's never met to fall in love with him? Uh-huh. That's the one.
In Bedazzled, the hell is basically just this giant party where it's all beautiful people dancing forever, and they feed you your grandmother's cookies. These are the cookies that my grandmother used to make. I aim to please handsome. All you gotta do is dance and eat cookies and generally be the life of the party, which is basically what all of my weekday evenings consist of anyway. Also, most of my Sunday brunches. And most of my cookies.
That is horrifying. You have to spend all your time at a party, dancing and conversing. Everyone's more attractive than you, and they might know you, but you don't know them. What do you even talk about? Being damned souls together? Eating your grandmother's cookies together forever all the time?
They don't want to talk about that. They don't know my grandma. They don't even want to get to know my grandma.
Yeah, and they're not really even enjoying it. You see it when he goes back for the second time. They are definitely being tortured by overparting. So?
It doesn't mean that I would get sick of the party. I would just go on liking it for eternity. I love parties. I'm great at them.
But what about when Elizabeth Hurley turns into a giant classic devil and then a giant Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini? Scary and sexy at the same time. But my point is, when that happens, it takes place in a giant cavern filled with flames. So that part of hell also exists. I mean, maybe there are multiple hell options in Bedazzled, but they're all terrible.
No, there are no people there.
I feel like that was more just an intimidation tactic to scare him into signing his soul away. But even if that is the case, then I would just think about how much I hate parties right before I die, and then boom, I end up in a party hell. Do you really think you could trick the devil? Yes. That is the premise of pretty much every movie where the devil appears. The devil is super gullible. Oh, what about the hell from South Park bigger, longer, and uncut? It's a normal hell, but all of the flying bone dragons fart, and then people break into song, and there's couches and houses, and that's pretty much your normal life, except for the fire and brimstone everywhere. And Satan isn't just like, blah, I'm the devil. The devil is like, blah, I'm the devil.
He's complex. He's not afraid to show his flaws. You could get to know a devil like that. You could have a beer with him.
Yeah, I don't know. You have to constantly be dealing with his on-the-rock relationship with Saddam Hussein. I get the hell torture and everything. I'm fine with that, but being that close to a toxic relationship for eternity, I don't know. Plus, they clearly still have the rings of hell, fires of hell, standard torture going on. No, no, no, no, no. You know what I could go for?
Real nice beetle juice. An office where there's paper all over the floor and a bunch of gruesomely dead people? Oh my God, Dan's right. That is horrifying.
Just use a filing cabinet. I mean, there's one right there, or maybe, you know what, just alphabetize all of the binders. No, you know what, you got to color code the binders.
And then, no, I can't, I can't.
It's too messy, it's too messy. I meant the doorway of lost souls. You see it briefly? It's all swirly inside. It's like, well, not like a pool. It's more like a slow tornado.
You really like swirly hell. Oh, hell yes. Think about it. It's a swirl for eternity, and I'd be happy. Well, I've got swirling hell beat, right?
How about the hell from all dogs go to heaven? It's like a regular normal hell with all the molten lava and stuff, but all of the demons and bone dragons are... Dog themed! Oh, come on. You're telling me you wouldn't want to be surrounded by cute little demon dogs and lava monster puppies forever? No, because they're not nice dogs. They're not good boys. They pinch you while you sink into lava. Plus, I guess, if it was dog hell, everything would be made for dogs, you know? Like, there would only be dog food, dog-sized beds, dog stuff, dog shit.
Plus, if you want a themed hell, you might as well go with robot hell from Futurama. Let's just fill with a bunch of goofy robots. You could knock out the robot devil or beat him in a fiddle off. Yeah, but still, again, that hell's not designed for you. You just have to stand around with a bunch of boring robot stuff to do. Robot shit, robot food, beds, houses. Plus, even if you did knock out the robot devil, you'd still be in robot hell.
No, I got it. Best movie hell ever. Bill and Ted's bogus journey. Excellent. We didn't plan that.
Okay, but that's like a personalized hell, right? Isn't that the worst kind of hell, one that caters to your fears in your personal dislikes? Yeah, but hell is just about reliving embarrassing or annoying moments from your childhood, which in their case was kissing their grandma and being scared by the Easter Bunny.
And when you're not reliving your childhood memories, they're just chilling on a floating rock. Exactly. You're either floating on a fucking rock or you're reliving some annoying childhood embarrassment. Easy. I relive embarrassing moments in my mind all the time.
I could relive the time I farted at that monastery for eternity. And if you want to get out of hell, all you got to do is beat the Grim Reaper at a game of battleship. You could come and go in hell as you please. Best hell ever.
Here are the truffle fries you ordered. Oh, thank you. But I actually ordered garlic fries. We only serve truffle fries forever.
No!
Hey everybody, thank you for watching that video. You can always comment down below. You can also hit the C in the middle of the screen to subscribe or hit the bell at the bottom of the screen and that'll let you know when we've got new YouTube videos coming at you like this hellish scary one.
I feel like I could have done better. |
cracked | the_6_most_unintentionally_creepy_sitcom_characters_after_hours | Zach Morris had a heart of gold. And a head of gold, although not the one you're thinking of. You don't think it's fishy that aside from Kapowski, all of Zach's girlfriends disappeared?
You know, students transfer all the time. There's a name for it. Student transfer. Even Zach did it. Back when it was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Zach, Lisa Screech and Mr. Belding all went to JFK High in Indiana. And then they did that thing that friends do where they all move together to a new city in a different part of the world. Hint, hint. Amsterdam. We're gonna happen. Always Zach's girlfriends, though.
I mean, never found again. Never seen or heard from again?
It's a phrase that shows up a frightening amount of times on Wikipedia's list of saved by the Bell characters. You don't think the frightening part is that you frequent Wikipedia's list of saved by the Bell characters so often that you noticed a pattern in it?
Even Jesse's stepbrother from New York disappears. He explicitly states that he's going to stay at Bayside High, but then he's never seen or heard from again.
Well, yeah, you know, he's like the new cool guy on campus. He wore a leather jacket. He knew cars. He smoked. He had an accent. His accent had its own little leather jacket, which itself smoked. He was set to be the cool newest kid at Bayside High.
Zach was having none of that. Really gives a new meaning to the name Zach Attack. A permanent Zach Morris timeout. Zach the Ripper.
Hacey Slayer. Grave-side die school. Killie, kill Powski. Screech! Man, I thought we could have gone longer on that. Oh, you know who's really creepy? Cody from Step by Step. Yeah, but not murder creaking.
He lived in a freaking van. Yeah. Yeah, he did that. Patrick Duffy just kept insisting that this eight foot tall van dweller was a member of the family, and yet he spent all of his time hitting on his relatives. From the van that he lived in. To be fair, he only hit on one relative, and they weren't related by blood. Heart wants what it wants.
Van or no van? Ideally no van.
You're romancing a family member? Still romancing a family member?
Not Michael Douglas's best film.
Still, Cody wasn't a sociopath. He was just in love. Yeah, it's not like he was a violent bully like your Carl Winslow or Uncle Phil.
Is this where we find out that you're a racist? They were jerks. Uncle Phil threw his nephew's best friend out the front door on a daily basis. Carl was abusive to his son, Eddie, and a total prick to Earth, more so than anyone else. Those guys got their kicks from physically and verbally abusing their kids' friends.
Listen, Uncle Phil. Silence. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Danny Tanner did the same thing to Kimmy Gibbler. The whole family was that way. Everybody absolutely hated her. Welcome home. Might as well have called her Cummy Gobbler every time she came in the door. I mean, I did at home, but I would have thought on the show they should too. Stephanie called her a whore once.
Horoscope? What's that, Kimmy? A telescope that can only see your face?
That was a very special episode. Yeah, but they weren't murderers. They were just jerks.
I don't know. Both Uncle Phil and Carl had wives that just suddenly changed. Where did those original lives go? Out the front door. Exactly. Gotten rid of. On Family Matters, we see Carl's daughter, Judy, his nephew, Little Richie, his sister-in-law, Rachel, disappear. Never seen. Tanner heard from again.
Those were all people who invaded Carl's life. He wasn't like some serial killer who sought out his victims. He was the victim of his family and his family's shitty friends. Are you saying physical abuse and possibly murder aren't creepy as long as the victim has terrible posture, hikes up his pants too high, and doesn't know whether or not he did that? No. I'm saying that there are creepier people out there. Loners with no families at all who just wedge their way into other people's lives.
Dan, I think he means you. I have a family. You spent Thanksgiving with us. I'm talking about Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. How you doing?
He lives next door to Cory and gives Cory life advice all the time. And when Cory goes to high school, Mr. Feeny becomes a teacher at that high school. And when Cory graduates and goes to college, Mr. Feeny becomes a professor at that college. Creeper Feeny follows him everywhere. You cannot blame Feeny for taking a logical and acceptable career path.
Building's a real creep. It's all a student halfway across the country. You guys were saying earlier, move from Indiana to California. He follows students. It's super creepy.
Yeah. Who the f*** is that guy? He makes our food, like, all the time. The handsome stranger's right.
Belding is clearly in love with Zach. I mean, he follows him across the country and he's always trying to get his approval under the guise of authority figures. Yeah, hey, didn't Belding once blackmail Zach into dating his niece? Yeah, he seems awfully eager to get Zach and his family. He followed him to Hawaii that one summer. He named his son Zach. Yeah, Mr. Belding might as well be living in a van outside of Zach's house just waiting to kill his girlfriend for him.
I don't know.
It's almost like Belding wants to be Zach more than he wants to be with him. Belding wasn't cool in high school. We meet Belding's brother. He was cool. He was the Zach Morris of their day. Belding was more like the screech, which is why he treats screech like such a turd pile. Because he hates himself. Because he wants to be Zach. So you're saying that Dick Belding wasn't cool in high school, so he follows Zach to California, forces himself into his life, gains his trust, and then eventually just murders his girlfriend so he can have him all do himself?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Aw, and then we can only assume that he eventually skins Zach and makes him into a suit. And the original Zach Morris is neither seen nor heard from again. Who heard from again? Buffalo Belding? When you teach me, I teach me.
I know where I've seen that guy. Soren, he works here. I mean, the working class really aren't invisible to you, aren't they? But also, he used to work at the other diner where we used to go. And now he works here?
Hey, don't read anything into that. I'm just a guy. Okay.
You're Daniel O'Brien from crack.com. Make sure to subscribe and give a thumbs up. And leave a comment, because maybe we'll respond to it. Crap to you later!
I'm not... I'm not that guy. |
cracked | looking_ahead_4_ways_to_make_fun_of_obama_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 7 of Crack TV, where it seems we're all out of ideas for macronyms. With me as always is my co-host, SlowZoomz on fruit intercut with photos of holocaust survivors. No, Clippy, duh, I hate you so much, well, now I'm depressed, just go to the topic.
Looking ahead, four ways to make fun of Obama. My fellow comedians, the time has come to face facts, Bush is out, we've milked the pretzel choking door opening, shoe dodging cow dry, and although it's going to be difficult for some of you, the time has come to forge ahead. Admittedly, Obama's not giving us a lot to work with, he's committed, passionate, seems like a decent father and human being, I know, what an asshole, right? Obama ran one of the most tech savvy campaigns in history, his online fundraising, YouTube addresses, and high score on Bejeweled all helped assure his victory.
In other words, NERD! And where have I seen that outfit before? Oh, that's right. According to this article, Barack used to collect Conan the Barbarian comics, once flashed Leonard Nimoy the Live Long and Prosper sign, and even dropped geek rafts like Jor-El and Delithium Crystals at public venues. This is where I'd normally make a joke, but unfortunately I'm too cool to note any of those things are, you fucking nerd. Sorry Barry, but you know the Fonzie, yeah, now that's cool. Okay guys, here's an easy one.
According to this study I found on YouTube, turns out Obama's black, this is huge, and I'm not just calling him lazy, he's the real deal, his dad's black, his brother lives in a shack in Kenya, he even played basketball. Hmm, look at that fine group of young black athletes.
I know racial humor can be touchy, but dammit, we've got a job to do. So let's roll up our sleeves, quit pouting, and start talking about how he's the first president with a taste for dark chocolate. Well, maybe not the first. I'll start us off.
You ever notice how white presidents are always like, When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies. But black presidents are always like, Whose baby is this?
Eight months. Eight, they deny paternity, they're bastard children, anyone?
If you're like me, a robot, then you worship only the cold god of technology, Technos, and his cruel daughter, Siancina. But if I didn't know any better, I might be inclined to agree with this enterprising gentleman. I mean, think about it, if Jesus really existed, he'd probably look more like this than like this. Plus, Obama's been known to wear a robe, and look at these pictures. He's the son of God, and you know what that means.
Jew jokes are officially back on the table. So Obama's revealed the details of his economics plan. Turns out he's going to replace all pork barrels spending with kosher beef. Plus he says he found an old coupon clipped inside his yarmulke.
Although I hear Michelle's not too happy with him. Every time she thinks they're finished, there's a second coming. Plus I hear he's expanding his cabinet to twelve, and his plan for the next term is the apocalypse. Has no one here read Revelation?
Let's not forget Obama's VP, Jolt and Joe Biden. It will not be six months before the world gets robbed of Obama like they did John Kennedy.
Okay, so I guess what he's saying is that either there will be an international crisis, an assassination attempt, or Obama will be secretly banging the day's hottest starlets. Watch, we're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis. I don't know what the decision's going to be, but I promise you it will occur. You promise? That almost sounds like a threat, Joe.
Where's the bomb, Joe? Where's the bomb?
I can give you at least four or five scenarios for where it might enrich me. Alright, you win. We'll vote him in. Just please, Joe. Give me back my son. Alright, okay, you can have him. Jeez, he wasn't really mine anyway.
Although you know what, just for that, I'm showing him the Villages video. The Villages, America's Friendliest Hometown. Remember, if you'd like to help pick next week's topic, ew, man, seriously, ew. You're starting to freak me out, okay? I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. The Villages, America's Friendliest Hometown. The Villages. |
SaturdayNightLive | papa_i_love_you_snl | I think it's time to set the record straight once and for all. And I think it's time that the truth was known. See, I've been keeping this quiet for quite some time, man, but no more. there's a lot you people don't know about me. and there's a lot I don't know about myself, you see, because my Papa left home when I was very young. he left me and my mama when I was 10 years old.
Papa, I know you're watching. I know what you're feeling. I know what I'm feeling.
Hey, man, I love you. why don't you just come home, Because we need you. you all know my Father. I'm Ronald Reagan's illegitimate son. I remember when you first left home, Papa. it was a Saturday morning. we was watching Gumby together. it was your favorite show, Papa. I got up and went to the kitchen to get me a bowl of cocoa puffs. and I looked inside the refrigerator, and there wasn't no milk. you patted me on the head, and you said, don't worry, son. I'll go to the store and get some milk. Papa, I ain't seen you since, man. next thing I know, you're the Governor of California. And now you're in the White House, and I got a half-brother pants around the country and a pair of dance skins, man. it's embarrassing, man.
Papa, please. Papa, look, I want to tell the people in the world, I have proof that he's my father. there's a picture of Papa and me and my Mama when I was about three years old. Papa, I love you. please come home, Man. Papa, please. the address is Harlem. 413 125th Street, the Kennedy Project, Papa. Apartment 3c. Papa, please. |
SaturdayNightLive | kristen_wiig_is_excited_to_host_snl_for_the_fifth_time | Hi, I'm Kristen Wiig, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ray. fifth time hosting! I know! five times! I haven't done anything five times.
Seriously? not even rollerblading? Not even rollerblading.
What about Scuba Dove? Surely you've scuba dove five times? go underwater and spy on fish?
I would never! Well, you must have eaten five beignets. I don't even know how to spell beignets. don't look it up. it'll only upset you. Well, Michelle, you've laughed five times. Ah! only once, just now.
Well, let's change that this Saturday. to trying new things! to trying new things! Hi, I'm Kristen Wiig, and I'm hosting Snl this week with musical guest, Ray. I'm so excited. Oh, I love your accent. Oh, we should get her to say, schedule. Yes, say, schedule. schedule. Oh, that sounds like us. schedule will. Hi, I'm Kristen Wiig, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ray. Oh, I'm so excited. it's always such an honor to work with an Og.
Og? yeah, it means opulent girl. I don't think that. yeah, Og, a girl who is ostentatiously rich or luxurious Or lavish. Yeah, an opulent girl.
Wow, I can't believe you haven't heard of that, Ray. Ray! |
dropout | adam_loses_to_an_11_year_old_in_hearthstone | We have found one of the best Hearthstone players in the entire LA region and Adam and this person are going to go head-to-head on stage tonight. You guys want to see that? All right, while you guys are ready to meet our contestants. So, without further ado, please welcome one of the best Hearthstone players around Abs. New nemesis, Noah. Come on out here. Noah, you on this side, Adam, on this side. We're going to talk about this Don King style. Noah, thanks for being here, man.
How old are you? 11. 11 years old?
Wow, very passionate. That's where you are. Okay, so you've lived three of his lifetimes. More or less, yeah.
Right, and yet, I think Noah is ranked... What's your rank? 10. 10. Pretty high. I believe the lower your ranking, the higher you are. What rank are you?
Very typical. Uh, 22. So he's like twice as good as you. Yeah, but he has a lot... You know, he's a kid. He has a lot more time to play. So, you know, of course...
No, see, he... I don't agree. Like, he probably is not allowed to play at school.
You play at work all the time. You guys should each go to your incredibly sophisticated cyber terminals to prepare for battle.
Shake hands first. Oh, shake hands. Yeah, fair fight.
No dark spells. No, uh... No knives. Noah.
This game is huge, but full disclosure. I'm so cool. I don't play this game myself. We have a professional... This is real. Professional Hearthstone match caller to help take us through this incredibly complicated, but fun, game.
Please welcome Christopher Allen. Nice to meet you, Chris. I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to tell you guys about Hearthstone.
It's essentially a card game that will have 30 card decks, and they just go head to head. They each choose a hero. You can see the selection screen right here. Gladiator's ready. Challenger's ready.
Let's get ready to hear it, Stone. All right. You guys are taking some top-level fighting from Noah. Okay, so, yes.
First of all, as we get into this, is this the biggest age difference you've seen in a game in a match in your career? I definitely gotta say, it's dominated by 20-somethings who really do nothing except work part-time and then come home and play.
So Noah's kind of... Noah's sort of a...
He's sort of a party geek. Yeah, definitely. I don't think I've ever seen a player that young. I'm pretty impressed.
Could we just also, in case you haven't... Another time, how cool this game is. Could we just listen to this badass music for a second? That's a loot, people. That's a straight-up motherfucking loot. I'm sorry. Loot is a musical instrument that you'll learn about someday. Okay, so let's go back to the game.
Adam, of course, is going to start out with a light warded, which is considered one of the worst cards in the entire game. Each card has a cost associated with it. That's pretty good. And they're all the worst cards when Adam's playing with it. That's probably true. Even with one of the best decks, I don't know, I still don't really believe in his chances. We have a very standard deck from Noah coming out.
It's called the zoo deck. So in this game, you have creatures and you have spells. And so he has a lot of creatures to zoo. And already you can see he has creatures on the board.
Adam does not because he's playing with some cards that aren't great. I don't even have any creatures in my hand right now. That's true. He doesn't. He only has spells which he can use on just about nothing.
This is a lose-lose for you. If you win, like you just, everyone's going to hate you because Noah is such a cool dude. Yeah, definitely a lose-lose. But the chances of him being Noah are slim to none. So we can see right now Noah is just pushing out, pushing all the minions. And Adam is definitely crying to whatever.
DeeDee will take him. Tell him about the chill wind yeti. All right, so chill wind yeti. He considered one of the better cards in the game. It's big, it's beefy. I mean, it's a yeti. Come on. And we'll see how long he can keep it out there. He doesn't even want to tangle with it yet.
Hey, Noah. What's your strategy right now?
Against Adam. He don't know like that. Adam won't.
He was 14th shooter. No, he's trying to be efficient, dude. He wants to give you a quick and painless death. Definitely a lot of pain coming right now, Adam's way. He does have a particularly beefy minion out here. And he's actually doing a pretty good job of keeping it alive. But I still don't know how much I've figured. Oh, look, I'm doubling his health. Now he's got 14.
Oh, man. Noah. I want nothing more than you to spill that water on your computer.
Adam, what's your strategy right now? I don't have a strategy. I'm just trying to not be humiliated by an 11-year-old.
This game is a lot about what you have in your hand. It's kind of based off of RNG or random number generation. So you have to kind of pray to RNGsus that he'll save your son-in-law. It's a very nerdy climb, Chris. Thank you. You lost seven cards while you were making that joke.
So right now, Adam, out of a total 30 health, has eight left. So a light, gust of wind could most likely blow him over. He's fighting to the nail to stay alive. He could still definitely win.
You can only attack with a minion once per turn, which is something that Adam clearly doesn't understand. He almost just killed his own minion with a spell.
All right. And actually, you know, he's doing a fairly good job of coming back. He has to be careful that he doesn't beat an 11-year-old live on his day. This is real, people.
Anything could happen in Hearthstone. His chances aren't looking too high right now, since he doesn't have really many minions to play. What advice would you give Adam at this point in the game? Um, so if you hit escape, there's a concede button.
Take it from there. Fire him, maggot! Wait, that was the card you did. Wait, that card called abusive sergeant? It was. He says, let him fight maggot. Do you just roll, like, gay slurs at you for the rest of the game? This is maggot.
All right. That's not it. Oh, sorry. I totally miss her. Hey, hey.
Well, I lost while you guys were having a tough game. That was a winner! Let's have another round of applause for Noah, our victor. Sorry. Noah, we have surprises for you for coming out here and checking all the way from, uh, we'll call you for hoodie. We have a book. And Adam, you should explain this one, because I don't understand it. We got a $20 Blizzard gift card, so you can buy more cards to beat me with later online. Thanks, Adam, for giving me your best. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_final_destination_movies_i_v | Maybe I'll just go to Arby's. Oh! Nevermind! Spaghetti it is! Let's see if they got arrested. You tried to cheat death, but death won't be cheated. The only way to get off death's list is to watch and explain all the Final Destination movies. Yeah, alright. Do you know how to make spaghetti good?
I do not. No! Shit!
Volume's too loud. Dude's quiet.
Alright, so the first Final Destination begins with an opening credits sequence that drags on for what feels like hours. I mean, who does it think it is? It's a wonderful life? Even worse, the whole thing is mostly just a close-up of a fan that randomly makes blade-unsheathing sounds. And also a couple of images of a history book that screams. Eventually we see passports, airplane tickets, and books about France, so looks like this movie is showing, not telling, baby. We're in the hands of a capable director if one a bit too obsessed with this goddamn fan.
How long is this intro? Three minutes? I could have had sex with that weird hanging doll like one and a half times by now.
Anyway, eventually we get to our main character, Alex, and he's packing a suitcase for his impending France flight. His dad asks Alex how his suitcase is working out for him because not every parent knows how to connect with their children. Then Alex's mom removes the flight tag from the father's last trip with the suitcase, but Alex asks her not to because, hey, the plane didn't go down and kill dad, which the father confirms. I'm still here. But Alex's mom's plans of getting rid of her wiener kid are not to be derailed, so she is like, all right, you little friggin' weirdo, I'm taking the tag off anyway, shut the hell up, go to bed.
While Alex sleeps, the wind literally whispers his name like a creepy stalker and his clock changes from 1 to 180, which is apparently the number of his flight, which is how fate works. I guess. The next day, Alex and a bunch of other classmates are headed to France, and this dad hands his son some clearly fake money to try and trick French prostitutes or something, maybe. The airport warns everybody in French to not solicit, and then this random religious guy totally solicits young Alex with a pamphlet about fate and death like two seconds later, openly defying the French announcement woman and not getting tackled by the TSA because this is all pre-9-11. It's like, learn some manners and some French, you friggin' asshole, these kids all dead. As Alex checks his bag, he notices some weird stuff like departure times changing, and then the woman points out that his birthday kind of matches their departure times, so more fate. Alex is feeling really nervous now, and his friend suggests, let's go take a shit. In the airport, because it sucked shitting on airplanes, and it would especially suck shit to shit real bad, and then a girl walks in later and smells your shitty shit.
Listen, okay? Listen, take some knowledge. I'm pretty sure my dad gave me this exact talk once.
Whilst shitting, Alex hears a song on the loudspeakers about dying on an airplane, because this airport has the most fucked up Spotify playlist ever. The next song is probably 70 times 7 by Brand New. So Alex wipes his shitty ass and boards Voulet Air, which is a fictional French airline that's so fictional, Alex notices that basically everything on the plane is broken and shitty, like how the door's a little scraped and the wings are a little messed up and the table tray's a little broken, and the only thing missing is a pilot nicknamed Pepe le Crash, but no need to fear, because one of Alex's equally superstitious classmates mentions that he likes young babies on airplanes.
Younger the better. Because God would have to be a real butt-head to kill a young baby, right? Also, if he killed this disabled guy, that'd be mean, God.
Anyway, so the plane explodes, bags are flying everywhere, and a dude's body is just crashing around because I guess he didn't respect the fastened seatbelt light when whammy! Alex wakes up. It was all a dream! He's still on the plane, but he hasn't exploded yet. Alex understandably flips out, and in his attempt to get off the plane, he inadvertently initiates a fight, which results in several other students and one teacher getting thrown off also. Also, one goth girl just leaves because flights are way too corporate anyway, and her parents can apparently ride off the cost of a trip to France. No problem. This is the moment when the movie really tips its hand at being made pre-9-11, because even though this kid is yelling about blowing up the plane, the airport cops just ask him to wait for another flight instead of immediately shipping him to Guantanamo to be waterboarded with Capri Sun or, you know, whatever they used in the late 90s. So this select group is safely in the airport with BOOM! The plane actually does explode, but for real! His dream came true!
Alex and the others are taken to a back room somewhere and then the FBI is brought in. I'm Agent Wien, this is Agent Shrek.
And in case anybody's worried, the goth girl clarifies that Alex is not, in fact, a witch. Not a witch. I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
The FBI interrogates them all, and particularly Alex, but then lets them all go home because there's not really any evidence they did anything wrong, and also because they're all very white. The goth girl, who was named Clear River, because neither her parents nor the screenwriter had time to think of anything better, says she got off because she believed Alex. Good call on her part. The other survivors are Carter, the asshole jock, his girlfriend Terry, Alex's best friend Todd, their hot teacher Valerie, and also Sean William Scott because it's not a late-90s, early-2000s teen movie without him.
Oh, but he is wearing a hockey jersey, which reminds me, we should do the goom series next. Ah! God damn it!
Now we're at the huge mass funeral, which is a real bummer because I guess that means they didn't get to go to France. They do listen to this acoustic guitar party guy clearly hoping incubuses and attendance. And they watch the unveiling of a huge ass eagle memorial for all the dead children, which is probably better than sticking Stonewall Jackson up there, but still maybe less tasteful than just no statue.
Carter tells Alex he's never going to die, which seems unlikely, and SWS tells Alex his driver's ed teacher told him that he's going to die young, which kind of does seem likely. And then Alex tells Todd no homo, but he misses him. See, they haven't been hanging out because Todd's brother stayed on the plane and exploded, and Todd's dad is kind of pissed at Alex for that, for some reason.
Even worse, Todd's brother was the one with the money in his pockets, and now the family's out $100 as well as a kid. Wrong kid, God damn it.
Alex heads home to investigate plane crashes and explosions in the hopes of learning... something. But he's distracted by an extremely small, blurry, black and white newspaper clipping photograph of Clear attending the funeral, and he immediately decides to open his weird dresser drawer with hands for knobs and put a hand to his knob.
If you know what I mean. I do.
Alex eventually decides against going all green night on himself, but at that exact moment an owl who was watching and clearly wanted Alex to keep going snacks against the window, causing Alex to freak out and throw his penthouse magazine into the fan, which instantly shreds it, causing a single scrap of paper with the word Todd on it to land on his lap, leaving Alex with questions to go along with his blue balls. I hope Todd wasn't modeling in that magazine. He's a rage. Speaking of old Todd, he's at home taking a shit just in case he needs to fly somewhere later, and then he shaves and then he picks his nose hairs and all the while, unaware that the toilet water is leaking and chasing after him. Eventually it causes Todd to slip into the bathtub and somehow wrap a clothesline around his neck and also knock over shampoo so he can't get his footing and, you know, eventually he dies, and the water shamefully retreats back into the toilet and returns to the Mountain Dew factory where it belongs. Alex runs over to Todd's house to tell him all about his masturbatory mishap but stumbles upon the aftermath of Todd's death, which investigators believe is a suicide. Alex realizes his porn magazine was trying to tell him that Todd was going to die next.
The next day a leaf falls from a tree. Is that a sign? I don't know, but Alex walks up to clear, who mentions that it's almost fall, and Alex is like, and she's like, yeah, but it feels like it'll be fall soon. And I think clear might be an idiot, but then she shows Alex this art installation she made that she says is a representation of Alex. It's how you make me feel.
I'm sorry. So, yeah, she's definitely an idiot.
And because she's an idiot, clear suggests that she and Alex break into the funeral home where Todd's body is being kept and they find the dead bloated body of his friend, but they also find the frigging candy man. He never says who he is or why he's there, but it's Tony Todd in a horror movie, so he just accepted, and it's implied that he's the mortician or something. And he knows a lot about death, because Alex says he thinks Todd's death is an accident, but the candy man says, In death, there are no accidents.
Which I don't think is true, but then he also says that the Grim Reaper is a Mac Daddy, which I'm pretty sure is true, so it's hard to say how reliable this guy is. And you don't even want to fuck with that Mac Daddy.
After their corpse viewing, Alex and Clear go on a little coffee date to discuss whether death is trying to kill them to make up for them having escaped the airplane fiasco when every other survivor character randomly shows up. They fight, and Terry reminds them that people died so...
Get over it. Then she gets hit by a bus. Get over it.
Fortunately, Alex takes Terry's advice to heart because we smash cut to him chilling on the couch watching TV, clearly giving zero thought to the high schooler he just watched detonate into a fountain of blood and viscera. His dad says he's worried about Alex, because, you know, his best friend died, 39 of his classmates died, he just watched a high schooler detonate into a fountain of blood and viscera like an hour ago, and I get that his dad is trying to be attentive, but again, not the best of connecting. Alex says, Shut up, dad, and sees a graphic on the news explaining that the plane's electrical system exploded, or a gas line or something, but the point is that it exploded in such a way that technically they would have died in a specific sequence, even though I'm pretty sure that the first explosion would have caused them all to die equally, but whatever.
Alex realizes that the hot teacher is next. Unfortunately, she's planning to pack up her freaky-ass dolls and move out of town. Alex shows up in her front yard looking sketchy as hell, so she calls the cops on him. The FBI pick up Alex, and then the teacher experiments with 10 different ways to accidentally kill herself.
Apparently death is like really big on fakeouts, like we know she's gonna die, and we know it's gonna be some surprising mishap, but which mishap might it be? Might it, might it, might it? Will it involve the record player?
Maybe it's the knife she has. Ooh, she washes a tea kettle, is that it? The pilot light went out, will she blow herself up? Okay, no. But the water's hot, ooh, she threw the hot water, but it's just because she was scared of the cup. Anyway, what ultimately gets her is that she cracks the cup, fills it with vodka, spills some of it on her computer, which explodes and then shoots glass into her throat, and then full-on explodes and sets shit on fire, and then she accidentally knocks a bunch of knives into her chest, and then a chair falls over to knock the knives in further, and then the entire house explodes.
Holy shit! Fate's boss must be breathing down its neck because it is leaving nothing to chance this time.
Alex goes to the police station, gets interrogated, leaves, heads straight back to the teacher's house, breaks in, tries to save the teacher, watches her die, and then flees the scene right before the house explodes. And that last part is noticed by Sean Williams Scott, who thinks it's a little sketchy that Alex was able to run from a house that literally detonated. The cops are now officially looking for Alex as he left some evidence at the scene that he'd been there, and the other surviving teens are told they can call the cops any time, and don't worry, the number's toll-free.
Here's my card. It's a toll-free number.
But instead, the remaining horned-up teens go find Alex together, and somehow know exactly where he is, and arrive at the accident site where Alex is hiding while some very porny music plays, which might be another pornographic warning sign? Maybe Alex was finally jacking it at the accident site? That doesn't seem safe.
Claire goes to get him and says, come on, man. fuck that. So Alex gets in the car, and now he's accused of being a warlock. My brownie fucking warlock.
And Carter decides, never mind about the whole I'm-never-gonna-die thing. I think he'd rather just die, so he drives really fast like he wants to crash, which is really shity because I assume other people in the town don't want to be killed in a car crash, but then Carter just parks on some train tracks to await his demise. The others get out of the car, and then Carter decides, okay, maybe I don't want to die, but oh, no!
His car won't start, and the door is locked, and his seatbelt won't come off, so Alex has to run over and save him from the train, but she does. And then Sean William Scott freaks out, I was like, wow, that was nuts, and then the train, which never stops, despite hitting a full-on car, kicks up a random piece of metal that flies out and literally decapitates him, which, wow, is nuts. So, okay, now for some reason, Alex decides because Carter was saved, Death gave up and skipped him and moved on to Sean William Scott, who is next on the list. Does that make Carter invincible now? Will he never die? Does Death really decide to give up if you thwart it twice? No time to think about that, because Alex is next on the list, so he runs away to deathproof a cabin somewhere, and Claire, for her part, decides to go home because she's not next, so why worry? Except, like, if Alex dies, he'll have no way to tell her that she's up, and also, even if he doesn't die, doesn't that mean he thwarts Death and Death will move on to whoever's next on the list, which is clear?
Either way, they need to be together for communication purposes. And what do you know?
While wandering the cabin, eating from cans, and surviving deadly Rube Goldberg traps, DRGTs, Alex realizes, oh, actually, Claire is technically next on the list because Alex switched seats before the accident, so he leaves the cabin, runs to her house, but not before escaping the cops in a canoe and getting pinned down by a fallen tree in a puddle like he was Bruce Willis or something. Death is now completely given up on making it look like people were killed by fate. I mean, Death pummels Claire's house with lightning, blows up every electrical thing in the building, shoots weather vanes at her, drops power lines on her, pops her above ground pool, stops her car from working, spills turpentine everywhere, and basically does everything short of redirecting a nuclear missile into her chest. Alex arrives to save Claire by sacrificing himself. He does this by grabbing a power line which shoots him backwards into the garage and Claire runs up and seems to call him baby, which feels kind of pet-namey for somebody whom she showed no previous interest in. But the scene fades to white.
So you know he's not dead and we time jump to six months later when Carter, Alex, and Claire arrive in Paris because I guess they're over their fear of flying and the memories of all their dead friends and trips to Paris are just super affordable for 90s teens. They intend to grab live by the nuts and drink beer in Paris while listening to Taika Waititi play acoustic guitar, a classic French instrument. While sipping on their drinks, they realize that technically nobody ever saved Alex.
Like, he should have been killed by fate already because I guess fate doesn't stop chasing you unless you've been saved by somebody. And then he almost gets hit by a bus and plowed by a falling sign before Carter saves them, so okay, now he's good except I wait! The other half of the sign looks like it's about to hit Carter, seemingly implying the cycle never stopped. The credits fly out before this resolves, but if that's the case, why did death wait six months to start up again?
They literally just flew on a plane to France like they were going to do at the beginning of the movie. Why not blow up that plane? Or at the very least give them food poisoning so they'd have to shit on the plane, which thanks to Todd we know is so embarrassing you might as well just friggin' die. That'd get the job done and be a pretty sick stinky callback and punishment for their arrogant belief that they could thwart death. Or sure, just blow up half of France trying to squash them all in a foursome under a French prostitute or something.
I don't care. You're kinda surprised you're cooking while death is trying to get you, to be honest. I wanna dive starvation. Good point. Anyway, Final Destination 2 begins exactly one year after Flight 180 exploded all to hell. Or if you wanna think about it another way, six months after Carter got splattered by that French sign. We quickly learn that actually all the survivors of Flight 180 are now dead, having been killed off-screen, presumably because Devin Sawad demanded a salary more worthy of Casper. Can I keep you?
It also begins with another long-ass opening credit sequence with a girl lying on a bed while a tarantula crawls around and a guy on TV debates with the host about whether death intentionally targets or tries to kill people. He's quick to point out that what he's talking about isn't supernatural like ghosts. It's a force that some people call the devil, but yeah, he's not religious, so he'll just call it death itself. Thank God he's not talking about something supernatural. The TV host is confused though and asks how death having a design for when people should or shouldn't die is any different than just dying randomly whenever. And the guest angrily says, oh, it's very different, but is it?
We're all gonna die eventually still, right? He even says we need to be on guard because nobody can escape death and like, okay, I assume we should always try and not die from stupid accidents or whatever. I mean, how do you want me to live my life any different exactly?
But anyway, the movie begins in earnest with two attractive women in early 2000s belly shirts about to embark on a road trip to Dayton, Florida, which some claim is actually worse than death, but it has never ending margaritas, so you take the good with the bad. The first girl, Kimberly, is clearly a main character because she's reserved and has brown hair, while the other girl is definitely gonna die because she has blonde hair and talks about sex a lot. Condoms, whips, chains. They pick up two stoner moron dudes and hit the open road where they see this weird hobbit man looking directly into the camera. They laugh at a homeless woman for a bit, which is the exact opposite of saving the cat, and they're flashed by a random biker chick because the producers remembered they're making R-rated horror movies here, and every horror film without boobs is a wasted horror film. Frank Capra said that.
Anyway, we meet a bunch of other motorists, including a truck driver who drinks while driving, which Kimberly says, that's super irresponsible, although it does remind her to buckle her seatbelt, so really, who's the irresponsible one? I'm pretty sure it's legal to drink as long as you're wearing your seatbelt, Kimberly. Before we have any time to internalize who these people are, a truck starts dropping logs all over the road and killing people in horrific, fiery ways, including, thrillingly, this little moment where they clearly just shove some dummies in a car and flip that shit. Also, every car is clearly hauling grenades because how else would you explain this explosion? Of course, it turns out that this was all just a 10-minute premonition of grenade-rigged cars driven by crash-test dummies, and Kimberly hasn't even run into an hilariously poor homeless woman yet. She realizes if she pulls out into the road, she'll die, so instead, she turns and blocks traffic behind her in an effort to keep them alive and her car insurance rate low. This causes the world's chillest cop to come up and ask what the issue is, scaring a friend in the back seat who apparently thinks he'll go to jail for having weed as if he's not super white. And while Kimberly and the cop quietly talk for seemingly hours without ever asking her to please move her big-ass car from the middle of the road, the log truck drives by and explodes five seconds later. In her premonition, it was probably 20 miles down the road, but here, it's apparently only 20 feet. Something about Kimberly's deft driving kept the logs on that truck for way longer, I guess. Oh, and I guess Kimberly was still parked close enough to the main highway for her friends to get plowed by another massive truck. Guess she shouldn't have tried to stop all the driving. A select few survivors who never drove around Kimberly's exploded vehicle and exploded friends are held at a police station just long enough for the coolest cat you've ever met to explain the entire plot of the first movie and how it may intersect with this movie.
Because when your number's up, your number's up, right? It's also revealed that Clear Rivers is actually alive somehow, but she's locked in an insane asylum, so... So, okay, now death is obviously hunting these people because there's nothing it hates more than an accounting error starting with this dude named Evan, who has recently won the lottery and used that money to buy one of those sweet sunflower IMAX I was so excited about as a kid, and apparently almost nothing else.
He still lives in a shithole, and cooks for himself leftover Chinese food. Dude should be ordering the finest caviar and having it hand fed to him by Dobby. But Evan's general shitty lifestyle eventually leads to his general shitty death as his frozen cheese sticks catch fire at the same time as his Chinese food and the microwave catches on fire, you know, because fate dropped a fridge magnet in the box, as fate often does, and at the same time, he gets his arm stuck in a garbage disposal. But do any of these things kill him?
No, of course not, because that's too obvious. He escapes his inferno of an apartment only to slip on spaghetti and get impaled by a fire escape ladder because death has a bit of a silly side. Love what you do, and you'll never work a day in your death. Spaghetti!
Now we flip to the cop reading an old newspaper that reveals three months ago Alex Browning was killed by a falling brick. He spent nine months cheating and defeating death only to get smacked by a brick while walking down the street. Was there another brick waiting with a gun around the corner just in case the first brick didn't do the job?
Come on, Alex. At least we know he'll be a friendly ghost.
We see Kimberly's room again, and I realize she's also into weird ceramic shit like Alex was. So no wonder death keeps wanting to kill these kids. They're frickin' weird as hell. Anyway, Kimberly decides to visit Old Clear, so she puts the insane asylum into MapQuest, and it appears very far away, which is weird because there was a Mount Abraham high school bus at the scene of the accident, which is the high school they all went to in the first movie. So it seems like they're in the same city? I guess I just assume that every city has an insane asylum like Gotham.
She meets up with Clear, but she makes sure that Kimberly doesn't bring in anything sharp, even though Clear's got newspapers all over his cell. I mean, look at this badass who isn't afraid of paper cuts. Clear reveals that she's actually institutionalized herself so that she can stay alive forever.
The girls chat, and they realize this time death is working backwards through the list. This is treated like some sort of twist like, oh, shit, it's the sequel. So we need to raise the stakes, but I don't get it. I don't understand how that makes any difference, especially for the middle person. But whatever, Kimberly says that Clear is a coward for not going out there and helping people, even though there's literally nothing she can do. As far as they know, death just attacks people cyclically forever. All you can do is have death skip a particular person for a while, but then it's immediately onto the next, and over and over and round and round until you die, which, again, is kind of just normal, right?
I mean, Clear, for her part, tells Kimberly to look out for the signs. It's good advice because signs can be hard to spot, like, for example, when Kimberly hallucinates a pigeon attack. How would she have known that was a sign unless she was looking for signs? Death is so subtle with signs.
Kimberly guesses those pigeons will kill two other survivors from an accident, a boy named Tim and his mom named Nora. So Kimberly and the cop who talked to her forever that one time when all our friends were hit by a truck rushed to the dentist's office to stop them from fighting pigeons, I guess. But they're doing just fine at the dentist because Tim cracks a hilarious child rape joke to his mom. If he gives me the gas and I wake up in my pants unbuttoned, we ain't paying. Then the dentist just goes to town on Tim's nasty-ass teeth and lots of things seem to be going wrong, and it appears Tim is going to choke on a fish toy, but he doesn't because none of the obvious stuff kills people. Instead, he walks outside and charges a flock of pigeons like an idiot and accidentally gets crushed flutter than a crepe by a pane of glass.
So here's the question. Why does death go through all this trouble? Why offer several tantalizing fakeouts like electrical issues or getting too much laughing gas or choking on a toy fish when the vision is clearly about pigeons? Death never intended to kill Tim in those ways. It's almost just like it's showing off for somebody. Claire shows up even though she could be killed by a testy rain cloud at any moment and together the three meet up with Candyman from the first movie. He rips off a nipple ring and explains that the only way to break death's cycle is to create new life. You'd think that'd be rad as the three of them need to get involved in an unprotected orgy right away to impregnate the women, but no, apparently they interpret it to mean that another survivor, Isabella, really needs to have her baby because she and her baby were supposed to die in the accident. So if that new baby is born, death gives up, I guess, which may explain death's hard-on for killing people at gender reveal parties. Of course, some might argue that a nine-month-old fetus is already alive, but death is apparently pro-choice, which... really don't make sense to me.
They head to protect Isabella from... something, and they stop at a gas station where a young gentleman politely inquires if Claire might suck on his junk. Suck on my junk, bitch. She declines because junk-sunkie can never lead to new life without some pretty gross maneuvering, and while Claire debates slobbing on some knobs like corn on the cob, Kimberly has another premonition about driving a white van into some water. They inspect the dash cam footage from the accident to see if they can spot her vision van, and thankfully, Kimberly proves to be a major asset in this regard.
That's it. They don't have Isabella's number or anything, so they put out an APB for her arrest, and I guess cops can just do that with no justification? Oh, yeah, that's not just a movie thing. Well, that seems shitty. Anyway, the remaining survivors have a little meeting at the cops' apartment to talk through strategies to defeat death, as one does.
Also, please meet Rory, a guy addicted to cocaine who acts pretty much just like your average run-of-the-mill pothead. Apparently, in this universe, cocaine just mellows you out, brah.
It's still in there, bro. I can get it for you. Lear and Kimberly explain they all must be super vigilant and looking for death signs everywhere, and also, here are some burner phones, I guess, in case somebody sees a sign and needs to call the others to warn them about said sign or about a particularly terrible subway deal. If I call and say, I don't know, subway, get to a high-rise fast. Most of them are on board, except for the cool cat from earlier, named Eugene, who is still incredibly skeptical of the whole thing and thinks it's all bullshit, which is fine, but then why show up to the meeting, Eugene? Nobody forced you here. You could have just sent a text that said your ass had been alive all day instead of bringing your downer vibes to this sick-ass loft that seems way too nice to rent with a cop salary. My ass is alive, huh? Has been all day.
And even more surprisingly, there's an entire freaking kayak just suspended in the rafters for no apparent reason that almost kills clear, even though if I was death, that'd be the number one way I'd try to kill people. They learn their lesson and get to work death-proofing the loft only for the cocaine pothead to trip and fall over some weird shit and reveal a weird shadow that he claims looks like a man with hooks.
A man with hooks. I think I see a man with hooks.
And since Nora just left to go home because she no longer cares about dying, they decide a man with hooks is gonna kill her. Eugene also just left, but he's kind of a jerk, so nobody thinks to call him.
And what do you know? On the elevator with Nora is a man holding a basket full of prosthetic limbs, including hook hands. They call Nora on her prepaid phone, but she's apparently a moron because she asks, um, who's calling? Like, they didn't just hand her this phone seven minutes ago for this express purpose. Who else has that number?
Nora freaks out and gets her hair caught in one of the hooks and foolishly tries to escape the elevator, which slams on her neck, pops her head clean off. And sure, it looks kinda like an accident, but a lot of people are about to be in huge trouble. I'm gonna guess that an elevator that cuts heads off goes against building codes. Somebody's probably going to get left on the literal and figurative hook for this. Ha ha! Anyway, Nora's suffered head freaks Eugene out and he runs back, grabs the cop's gun and tries to kill himself, but it turns out that he fails because every bullet in the gun is a dud, which essentially means that death refuses to let him die on his own terms, which is a little scary, but also sort of empowering, right? Like, whoever is next is screwed, but the rest of them could jump off a building or eat Arby's or something, which is pretty sick.
All right, so at some point, Isabella is arrested and placed in a holding cell, so the survivors take a road trip to her because if she pops out that baby, they're all saved. While driving, they all realize they've survived near-death experiences as a direct result from the survivors of Flight 180 not dying. For example, the uptight woman, Kat, was supposed to go to a bed and breakfast where everybody dies from a gas leak, but she never made it because the bus she was on plowed into Terry from the first movie delaying her stay. They realize that not dying on Flight 180 had a ripple effect that caused several other people to not die, so death is frantically running around trying to tie up loose ends, even though these people also avoided a big death catastrophe of their own, so it's all sort of mood and maybe a bit redundant, but a twist, I guess. Unfortunately, while the other survivors clumsily attempt to make the plot more interesting, Isabella's water breaks.
No, not here. No, you can't do this to me.
The guard drives her to the hospital in her white van. Some other van almost plows into the survivor's car, running them off the road into a field that they freakin' utterly destroy thanks to Kat never letting off the gas for even a second as they slam into a hundred different objects. Eugene gets impaled by some PVC pipe and Kat gets stuck with a tree branch over her legs. Everybody else is basically fine, though, so no harm, no foul. An ambulance comes to get Eugene and almost runs over a kid as it leaves, but fortunately Rory knocks him out of the way. Unfortunately, a news crew shows up and parks so shittily that they actually puncture their gas tank on a rock, causing gas to leak everywhere. And of course, that gas manages to somehow travel down some PVC pipes laying on the ground to the car where Kat is trapped. Speaking of Kat, firefighters use the jaws of life to get her out but accidentally set off her airbag, which throws her head backwards into a piece of PVC pipe and her headrest and immediately killing her. This causes her to drop a cigarette that lands in the gas trail that creates a chain of fire that blows up the news van and sends a section of barbed wire fence flying right through the air, cutting Rory into like four huge chunks. It's pretty shocking, but honestly nobody's all that upset because Rory and Kat, like most characters in these movies, both kinda suck anyway.
The rest of them grab the farmer's truck and race to the hospital to protect Isabella, but Kimberly has yet another vision where she's being choked to death by a nurse. She assumes this means that a random nurse is gonna choke Isabella to death, which seems unlikely, but whatever. And speaking of Isabella, the birth is going pretty poorly and the nurse is not helping. This baby's in trouble. Elsewhere in the hospital, Eugene's entire room conspires to kill him, culminating in his respirator getting unplugged. The cop delays the strangling doctor long enough for Isabella to have her baby, but then Kimberly remembers, actually Isabella wasn't gonna die in the original accident. So the baby's entirely pointless, just like any baby. Then Isabella runs to Eugene's room and they both explode and their bodies are thrown all the way down the hallway right in front of Kimberly, which seems implausible, but it does convince Kimberly that she needs to die to end these cycles.
So she steals a freaking ambulance and drives it into the lake, which is a super shit waste of an ambulance. Like she could have just jumped in the lake, but no, she needed to destroy life-saving equipment. Frickin' dick. And none of it matters anyway because of course she's saved by the cop and brought back to life, therefore creating new life, I guess. She effectively cheated death somehow, so death decides to leave them all alone, because it's just so darn confused.
Of course, they've literally all died by this point except Kimberly and the cop, and so they decided to go have a barbecue with the farmer and his family from earlier. Yum. You'd think they'd have an aversion to revisiting the place where two of their friends were gored to death and that led to the injuries resulting in two other deaths and maybe the farmer would be hesitant to bring back these people with the worst luck of all time and who did thousands of dollars in damage to their farm, but hey, time heals all wounds. Oh, except for the farmer's dumbass son who gets blasted by the grill as punishment for Rory saving him from that ambulance. Does that mean the cycle has restarted for Kimberly and the cop because they were associated with the bad at grilling kid?
Who knows? But more importantly, who the hell cares?
Pass the burgers. You put spaghetti in the oven, right? Uh, yeah, pretty sure. Okay, I'll do the stove. Now, bring me a PSP or something. At least I have something to do then.
All right, so the third movie has another long-ass opening credit sequence, but this one is carnival themed. Ooh. Even the three is in wacky carnival font. Also, I wonder which animation house died to make that CGI pinball sequence.
After we've learned who the freaking casting director is, we see a few hot teens riding a drop ride of what Wikipedia describes as an amusement park in Pennsylvania, Wendy, portrayed by a profoundly slumming at Mary Elizabeth Winstead, is taking pictures for the school yearbook. Her best friend's boyfriend, Kevin, helps by ensuring that the yearbook will have many tasteful photos of G-strings and camel toe for posterity. I mean, look how introspective Exposed Underwear makes this guy. And before you get all up on your high horse, Wendy kind of agrees. Like, she does seem to think it's important to photograph these girls that the movie keeps telling me are attractive. Anyway, Wendy's friend, holy shit, is the wife and saw a sunburn. She reveals that she's gonna break up with that boyfriend after graduation because he's a dick butt, not so much of a dick butt that she's unwilling to continue to date him for a little while because she already bought the prom dress and that shit ain't cheap. Maybe she also likes camel toe photos. There's also a fourth person there who's Wendy's boyfriend and he is surprisingly attentive to Wendy and her needs for a high school dude in a horror film whose best friend takes upskirt photos. They run into Wendy's sister who, hey, it's Monica from Silicon Valley, but oh no, she's not supposed to be at the carnival because she's not a senior?
Is this carnival on school property? My school never did anything cool. But my school also never unleashed the grim specter of death on me, so again, you take the good with the bad.
Although if they were funnel cakes involved. Unfortunately, Wendy's boyfriend uses his sensitivity to convince Wendy to ride a roller coaster called Devil's Flight that features a huge devil clearly voiced by Candyman from the last few movies. In line, we meet some goth nerds who provide stats about how it's unlikely to die on a roller coaster. Yep, odds are like one in 250 million of dying on a roller coaster.
And the attractive women from earlier and another pervert. This one's named Frankie Cheeks and he has a video camera for probably pervert reasons.
Though Wendy agrees to ride, she doesn't want to ride in the front, but her best friend refuses to sit in the back with her because she's going to Berkeley next year and won't get to do this kind of thing for a while. Which is a weird flex, but okay, that's Berkeley. The two dudes flip a coin to see who gets stuck with ol' wussy Wendy and the pervy boyfriend loses. While in the back, they experience what is, frankly, a very poor roller coaster experience. No! Of course, this is all a premonition of Wendy's and she is not happy about it. Pretty much immediately, we realize, oh, okay, this is a real actress because I actually started to feel for her. How sad to have all your friends explode on a roller coaster. She flips out and it results in a scuffle that leads to her, Kevin, the Goths, the Hotties, Frankie Cheeks, and a football player dude all getting thrown off the ride. Despite Wendy's and her boyfriend's pleas, he and Wendy's best friend are forced to remain on the ride and explode to their fiery deaths because everybody else was chanting, hey ho, let's go, like they just watched Jimmy Neutron and also, nobody else gets off this ride!
We then cut to Wendy at school just throwing her books in a trash can, which is very wasteful. Anyway, she's sad and it's raining and other people notice that she's sad and Kevin tells her about flight 180 just so we can get a brief connection to the first two movies. And then her sister's really shitty to her about this charm bracelet thing, but again, her sad acting is so good you almost forget you're watching her friggin' final destination.
You're all I have left. You think when I find a place, maybe you could come stay with me for? I feel sorry for you, Wendy. You've had a rough go of it.
Anyway, her sister wants to borrow the camera that Wendy used to photograph their classmates right before they all died, and Wendy says, okay, but I need to charge it first. Then she downloads a bunch of the photos while we intercut with the two attractive girls getting burned to death at a tanning salon with a sort of gratuitous nudity you expect, nay, demand from a horror film of this caliber. Our little series is finally growing up. The girls die because of some spilled liquid interacting with electronics, and look, I know I've never written a movie for a franchise that routinely grosses over $100 million, but surely there's some other sort of mishap in this world that doesn't involve sneaky liquid running through electrical outlets?
Whatever. Now we're at their joint funeral, and the pastor says that death is fair, but the boy goth named Ian Thi- Uh-uh, Thama Bin Laden is still alive. You know, just in case we forgot that this movie's pre-Obama.
These two girls who never done sh**s to anybody. It's bullsh**. I did not hit her.
And elsewhere, Frankie regrets seeing women as funbags, which is not a phrase, and the jock delivers maybe the most powerful speech I've ever heard about funerals. Yo, man, these things really suck, man. fucking boring.
Elsewhere, elsewhere, Wendy and Kevin admit that they never feel their former lover's souls, and also Wendy realizes that the last photograph taken of somebody includes a clue into how they were gonna die. For example, Abraham Lincoln's last known photo has a line where his head is, and also there's this photo of the Twin Towers with an airplane shadow, which I don't think counts as a person dying per se, but this movie is apparently very ready to talk about 9-11, whether we are or not, so just buckle up. They look at a photo of Frankie, who will presumably die next, and try to determine just how he'll kick the bucket. Kevin sort of jokingly mentions that those prizes on the wall look like SpongeBob, and that maybe Frankie will get smashed by a giant SpongeBob, which is a personal fantasy of mine, or maybe it has to do with drowning, because, you know, SpongeBob lives underwater, to which Wendy says...
It's so sad that you know that. ...to which I say, hey, fuck you, lady. Everybody knows SpongeBob lives in a pineapple under the sea, and if you watched more SpongeBob, you probably wouldn't cry all the time. Wendy? Oh, fuck you, lady.
But anyway, what does happen is that a truck backs up to them in a drive-thru in such a way that they can't open the door, and then another truck hits their car from behind so hard that it causes the vehicle's engine to shoot out the front and shred the head of the person in front of them. Just so happens to be Frankie Cheeks. Mystery solved. Ooh. Like Sandy Cheeks. Also, I'm pretty sure that that truck is from the second movie. Maybe the whole series is a metaphor about drinking and driving? I mean, the jury's still out on whether that's bad or not, right? Anyway, Wendy's pretty upset, but Kevin calms her down by resting his hand gently upon her leg, which is still actively covered in Frankie's brains.
They decide to track down the jot guy named Louis as he's next on the list, but before they go, Kevin asks Wendy if his death will involve ass play, because if so... I mean, go ahead and take me, am I right? I mean, there's nothing like up my ass. If I die with a thing in my ass, that means I lived, you know?
They find Louis lifting weights with a team called the Sultans, which is a name that probably wouldn't fly today, and he thinks it's all bullsh... because he's a poorly written black character in a horror franchise, just like the other poorly written black character in this horror franchise. Of course, it's not bullsh... and his head is flattened by Bowflex, splattering blood all over Wendy and Kevin. Thankfully, the gym has pretty decent showers and a change of clothes for them because they walk away looking fresh, but not, noticeably, amidst or near, like, police or medical professionals. Apparently, nobody was very worried about old flathead Louis, I guess.
So now they go to see the goth couple as they're technically next, even though they have yet to prevent even a single death, and Ian talks about Osama again. Man, he really hates that guy. It's a big no, Pip. Osama bin's supervisor wants me to get rid of these pigeons first. Then Ian nail guns a bunch of birds to death like they're Al-Qaeda or something.
Wendy and Kevin attempt to convince Ian and his girlfriend, Erin, that they're gonna die, while Ian just drives a forklift around in after-hours lows and smashes into, like, 30 different dangerous products. That's crazy. Ian doesn't really believe them, although Ian does try to make some weird claim that death is like momentum, right? And according to Isaac Nude, momentum in one direction implies momentum in the opposite. So if Wendy killed herself, it'd all be fine, which, I don't know, maybe. But before they can finish puzzling that one out, this drunken baby-ass forklift driving sets off a chain reaction that culminates in Erin getting nail gunned in the head like 15 times like she was an Al-Qaeda pigeon. Oh, and now Ian believes. That's all it takes. Wendy and Kevin regroup and realize that Wendy's sister, Julie, is actually technically next in line to die, possibly along with some unnamed friend because she was supposed to be on the coaster, too. But she never mentioned that she got off for some truly inexplicable reason that never gets explained and will maybe one day lead to my death as I keep thinking about it. Julie is headed to a fun little 4th of July fireworks session, so that's where Wendy and Kevin go, even though Wendy determines that Kevin is likely to die of too much fireworks and Wendy is likely to die of too much Ian, which doesn't exactly seem like fate, but maybe I'm just not a true believer.
And a couple of dweebs scare a horse with firecrackers and it runs through the crowd and somehow wraps its... collar... reins... I don't do horses. It wraps it around Julie's neck, dragging her around. Thankfully, Kevin slices the rope with a friggin' cutlass before Julie dies, but unfortunately the horse keeps running and somehow manages to hurl a flag through Julie's friend, which is pretty badass for a horse. Napoleon could have won Waterloo with just a couple good flag-throwing horses like this one. Oh, and also Kevin gets kicked by Napoleon's steed and then semi-exploded by a gas tank, but that's all good, he lives.
Anyway, then Ian shows up to presumably kill Wendy for, I don't know, warning him and his girlfriend that they were gonna die, but he doesn't really do anything because he's pretty much immediately flattened by a falling sign of some gooey gothy paste. We jump to five months later and Wendy rides a train with her cool new college friends when suddenly her sister gets on the train and they notice that Kevin is on the train. And immediately the train gets derailed and hit by 30 other trains and they all die, including this dummy. But twist! That was just yet another Wendy premonition and they've got about 11 seconds to figure out how to stop the train before they're killed, you know, for real, for real.
We will never know because we cut to credits. Hey, do you think I should put my butthole in the sink? Why would you do that? I'm gonna try. Ugh. Fine, I won't put my butthole in the sink, Mom. Take it, take it, take it. Oh, yeah. Finally, a final destination is not for friggin' wusses. There's no opening credit sequence here, baby. Just butt-rippin', butt-med on a NASCAR.
Yay! Hey! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
I'm slipping back into my jolting little asses. It's not what I'm going for, but it's just there at the tip of my tongue feeling so juicy. Everybody got that, got that molasses sh** all from their mouth, how I say, I say. God, d***, I'm like the big chicken in the Looney Tunes.
We go from the good old boys' driving race cars to the stands where we meet an entire host of wacky characters. We've got this group of four college-ish aged people that never mention college other than a brief allusion to studying. And there's Nick, who sounds like an off-brand Dave Franco hunt, who acts like his first name should be spelled with a C and who snuck booze through security and binoculars somehow. And then there's also Lori, who's currently dating Nick, but will one day grow up to be the mom of Homelander's kid and Janet, who can't believe they chose to go to NASCAR instead of a movie, which is that really a decision people regularly make? Movies aren't necessarily cheap, but the average NASCAR ticket is like $150. Did you just go to a NASCAR race on a whim?
Don't answer that. I don't give a shit.
Elsewhere, we see the world's worst mother shoving tampons into her son's ears and then mocking them, a racist guy and his girlfriend with wandering feet, I need you to move your foot, a black security guard for the racist guy to have conflict with, a kind of cowboy fella, and a mechanic guy who also has a girlfriend. They're all having a great time except, oh no, they're seated in section 180 just like flight 180. Even worse, the stadium is clearly going to shit as evidenced by cracks in the pillars, broken seats and wiggly screws. Even more worse, somebody spilled some oil on the track and worst of all, is that Napoleon Dynamite on the pit crew? Somebody is definitely gonna die. And what do you know, Napoleon or some other idiot leaves a tool stuck inside a car which falls onto the track and pops one of the car's tires, causing it to flip and initiate a multi-car pile up resulting in the deaths of over 50 people. People are just decapitated by tires, engulfed in flames, crushed by falling concrete, trampled to death. It is very exciting. At least a few of these deaths could have been avoided if literally any of the drivers considered, I don't know, hitting the brakes. But if you ain't first, you'll ask. So they just keep slamming into each other until the entire stadium collapses.
Apparently somebody on the production team finally learned about those no-fangled computer-generated graphics everybody's been talking about. Maybe they saw Pixar's cars before shooting and thought, well, this shit is sick. We should totally do that in our movie. Seriously, everything is CG, and I go hard with it. The explosions aren't sane, the destruction is overwhelming, and the quality is low. We're talking Sharknado levels of competence here. Based on the amount of CG, you'd think the budget was massive, but based on the quality, I'm gonna guess that the director just slipped his tech-savvy nephew $13 and told him to just go nuts.
Anyway, this computer-generated orgy of death was obviously just a premonition from Nick, and it scares him so badly, he squeezes Lori's thigh hard enough to legitimately hurt her, which implies that Nick has insane forearm strength. I mean, have you ever tried to hurt somebody by one hand squeezing their thigh? Not an easy task, I'm gonna tell you. So Nick uses those spinach Popeye forearms to initiate the standard final destination fight that gets everybody I just mentioned thrown out of the stadium just in time to avoid the mass death event. Well, I mean, except for the mechanic's girlfriend, who still gets decapitated by a flying car somehow.
And okay, here are the opening credits. But again, none of that artsy close-up shit with ceramic monkeys and fans, here we've got a bunch of terrible CG death highlights from the series past set to the butt is the butt metal. Afterwards, we're presented with the most provocative question of the series so far. But the protagonists don't even bother discussing whether that's supposed to be some sort of Jurassic Park pun and instead talk about the premonition and whether they were supposed to die.
And also Hunt kisses a lucky coin and tries to force Janet to kiss it because I don't know, they had to write something. Go ahead Janet, kiss it.
Nick and Laurie intend the memorial for all those dead people and the racist guy yells at the security guard because again, he's racist. That's already uncomfortable, but then he says the N word and calls him chocolate. And in case you're wondering, the guy who wrote this movie looks like this. Anyway, later that night, Nick has a really shitty looking CGI dream about hooks and fire and we cut from that to the racist guy going full KKK on the security guard's front lawn. He's got a freaking cross and everything. Unfortunately for him, he drove his work tow truck to the little cross burning and it starts driving away because fate. Inexplicably, he manages to get grabbed by his own tow truck's hook and then set on fire and then his car explodes his head right onto the security guard's porch. fuck yeah. I don't think I've ever seen a more powerful condemnation of racism put to film. The next morning, Nick realizes he must have had another premonition. You know, about the fucking racist tow truck driver.
Apparently the series is tired of having characters deciphering deaths and tensions through photographs or signs and it'd rather just flex its terrible CG budget to hand deliver clues right to Nick's brain. Certainly a lot easier to film and write than, you know, anything compelling.
Next on the list is the mother as negligent as she is attractive. She hands her kids some money to go play video games for an hour while she gets a haircut. I don't know why I thought that Xboxes had already been invented in 2009, but maybe it's just that Halo could never hold a candle to Time Crisis 3. Anyway, she sits down and death sets up 20 different ways she could die, including the most horrific scene in the series to date. Also included, cans of hairspray that legitimately just come to life and skitter across the table towards towards hot, towards a hot hair instrument. I don't, I don't, I'm not a hairdresser. Eventually her kids come back and make a mess of things, and you'd assume somebody would die, but no, they were all red herrings and the mom just gets killed by a rock kicked up by a lawnmower outside. Creative.
Nick is now convinced, okay, maybe people are going to die in order of the whatever. This is the fourth time I've seen this scene. I don't give a shit. Andy finds Flight 180 on the internet. I just want to reiterate that Kimberly is a real asshole for not posting anywhere how to beat death. I mean, it's crazy that they figured it out in the second movie, and even though every subsequent film protagonist learns about Flight 180, there's never any literature about the survivors from the second movie who legitimately learn how to defeat death, like do a Reddit AMA or something. The survivors constantly debate whether intervening defeats death or just changes the order of their deaths, which is a debate that the first movie's settled, but man, it sure is fun to discuss it again. Nick experiences yet another vision and he and Laurie head to the racetrack to try and remember the order of everybody's deaths, but Nick is too much of a dumbass to remember anything.
Thankfully, the security guard is working that night and is shockingly on board with their little claims and helpfully shows them the cameras from that day. It has to be illegal to show random break-ins extremely graphic snuff footage that should absolutely have been impounded by the police for the forthcoming trial against the owners of the Speedway for clearly never maintaining their property and the resulting 52 deaths, but hey, this moves the plot for itself. The three of them determine that the mechanic is probs next, so they go warn him of his impending death but he gets graded through the fence links, which doesn't seem physically possible, but again, we've got this goddamn CG budget, so let's fucking use it. The movie clearly anticipates the audience losing interest around this point because it cuts to an extremely gratuitous sex scene with Hunt and some random girl at a public pool mere feet away from actual children. Hunt is one curious tween away from becoming a registered sex offender, but to be fair, aren't we all?
Meanwhile, Lori gives some money to a homeless guy who thinks pennies are bullshit. Penny, that's some bullshit.
Nick, Lori, and the security guard, who he learned is a former alcoholic who killed his family drunk driving because this movie has weighty themes, determines that either Hunt or Lori will die next and they'll die by water. As it turns out, Hunt drops his lucky coin and dives into the pool to retrieve it. Unfortunately, he somehow gets his asshole stuck over the drain and literally has his ass sucked to death. There are worse ways to go. I mean, there's nothing like up my ass. For her part, Janet somehow gets trapped in a malfunctioning car wash that starts pouring water into her car. At no point does she attempt to open her doors, but thankfully, she's saved by the security guard and Lori before she can die in the most humiliating possible way this side of a lethal ass sucking. So now the security guard is presumably next on the list, but it's cool, he doesn't mind dying because again, he killed this whole family. He just goes home to fucking die, I guess, while Lori and Nick deathproof their home in anticipation. But then they spill some wet shit on a newspaper that appears to highlight the phrase, through action they were saved.
They run over to the security guard's house to let him know, actually, the cyclist stopped, probably, maybe, and that's a relief to Mr. Guard because he's been trying to kill himself all day and nothing's worked. I've been trying to kill myself all day.
Anyway, they vow to no longer take their lives for granted, so Lori and Janet determine to use their newfound lease on life to go see a shitty 3D movie. Oh, this movie's in shitty 3D. That makes sense. Shitty CG looks totally awesome in 3D.
Nick gets yet another frickin' vision, this one complete with a sick ass CGI snake, and realizes, ah, shit, the cycle isn't over because he forgot about the kind of old cowboy who had apparently also survived the NASCAR event, something that not even Dale Earnhardt can claim. Anyway, he's in a hospital bed below the room of another older racist. You know how many of your kind I killed in Korea? I'm Chinese, sir. That racist has shitty weak legs and lungs so he can't turn the water off his bath before it soaks the floor so much that the whole bath falls through the floor and flattens a kindly old cowboy, making him much more like Dale Earnhardt. You know, I've been annoyed how the previous movies keep using water or some sort of liquid in every death, but this one really leans into it like death is clearly a water bender.
Even though Nick and the security guard were present for the flattening, they don't seem super worried about it. Nick's nonchalance in particular continues even after an ambulance going 90 miles an hour in front of a hospital pops the security guard into a gooey mist.
Another Nick vision shows Lori dying in a theater when some construction randomly catches on fire so he runs to the mall to prevent it. Lori, oblivious and not answering her phone, purchases a hideous pair of shoes before the movie because Nick likes me in snakes, which is objectively the tamest possible kink. Anyway, Lori and Janet eventually end up in the theater but Lori's wigging out because, you know, everybody keeps dying, but Janet tells her to shut the hell up, watch the movie, Lori. In lieu of pulling a fire alarm, Nick runs theater to theater to find Lori. He manages to rescue her from the original series of shitty looking CG explosions, but Lori is still eaten alive by an elevator, so it goes. And then surprise, even that was a vision, meaning we're now seeing visions within visions like Inception, but shitty, and so Nick runs to the mall to save Lori again.
This time he goes straight to the source to stop the fire itself. He succeeds even though, you know, he gets nailed gun to a wall, which would actually be a pretty cool kink if he wasn't so obsessed with girls and sneaks. So now it's a few days later and Nick thinks he's some kind of safety expert.
Is this thing supposed to be this way? Isn't it supposed to be screwed tighter? You're right.
Nick, Lori, and Janet discuss how great it is that they've probably definitely escaped death for real this time. Then Nick asks, hey, what if we didn't and death's plan was always to get us to this coffee shop, and then all three of them are hit by a truck. And since nobody can answer Nick's question due to their brutal CG deaths, allow me to take a step.
If that was death's plan, then death is a frickin' moron. Like, why go through all that effort? The earlier movies implied that death is a dispassionate force merely tying up loose ends when somebody somehow magically has a premonition of its plans. But now we're supposed to believe that death might send visions as a way to screw with people and instigate extremely elaborate long cons? You're telling me that it was death's plan to blow up a NASCAR event, kill a bunch of survivors with things like ass sucking, allow a theater explosion to be prevented, which, by the way, should start an entirely new cycle with the hundreds of people who were supposed to be killed in the mall. Also, death could kill them in a normy ass truck. Yo, death is stupid. Is death a boy?
It seems like he'd be a boy. Because only somebody with a small dick would be this insecure about not getting his way all the time. But at least his most complicated plan only took 75 minutes of runtime, of which, only about 80% was CG.
Think this needs hot sauce? I feel like it needs hot sauce. Oh, my death won't let me do anything. You know, if you want to get rid of that baby fat, you should try the champ.
They're called tits. It took five movies, but finally we get an opening title sequence that is legitimately kind of cool. Lots of exploding glass, always a crowd pleaser. Less pleasing? It goes on for a whopping 3 minutes and 47 seconds. I guess they were embarrassed about how the last movie didn't even sniff 90 minutes. Also, the producers are weirdly proud of all their previous death sequences. Like, we have to watch them flash back through the mall like it would take some sort of genius to come up with, rock from lawnmower, go through eyeball, or killed by brick, off screen. Anyway, after we've learned the names of everybody who just walked by the film set on their way to Starbucks, we open on young Sam's breakfast spread.
He's cooked a bunch of yummy treats for his coworkers to gnaw on before their company retreat. Unfortunately, this attention to croissant detail comes at the expense of, you know, his job. As your boss, I'm ready to fire your ass. Because his friend and boss Peter tells Sam that, yeah, he really sucks at selling paper. By contrast, Peter is really good at getting sucked by the intern, Candace.
But that 1230 curfew tonight, you should plan on breaking that. Why? For the naked. So that's inspiring.
Speaking of the sucky intern, she's apparently a mean idiot, because when the office hottie Olivia shows up, glad very scantily, Candace attempts to fat shame her because she mistakes Olivia's ample breasts for baby fat. They're called tits. It is truly one of the most confusing dialogue sequences of all time. Oh, and then freakin' Todd Packer shows up, and he's predictably a mean boss. Then we set up a little conflict between Nathan, the college-educated kid in charge of the warehouse, and Roy, the old-ass friggin' Neanderthal union rep.
Re-re-what? Retarded?
And then the interpersonal conflict jumps into the stratosphere with Sam's girlfriend and coworker Molly breaking up with him right before they get on the bus, apparently because Sam works part-time at a fancy restaurant at night, and they want to send him to Paris, and she doesn't want to go with him because... I guess she's got such a sweet gig at this paper company? Has the office really romanticized paper sales so much that it's now more appealing than Paris?
Anyway, they hop on the bus, and oh, shit, there's an informative video by a company called 180 Consulting. 180 is the debt number. It's also a very common number, I would think, because of the whole 180 degrees thing, but still, fate has a consulting company.
Yay! Oh, right, and also I should mention that there's also another guy, this Lothario nerd, leisure suit Larry type character named Isaac who provides a semi-comedic through life. We're told I'm a really, really good listener by a lot of ladies.
Wait, don't say anything. So, anyway, they're driving over a bridge that's undergoing maintenance, and they're forced to stop for some unclear reason. It's a functioning two-lane bridge, like all the lanes are open. Who or what are they stopping for? Well, the answer, presumably, is they're stopping for death itself.
We realize things are both bad and about to get CG'd into oblivion when a computer-generated water cooler falls off the bridge into the river. I can't imagine that's cheaper than hucking a real water cooler off a bridge, but maybe it's harder to put in 3D. I don't know.
Before long, the bridge begins collapsing, and Sam grabs Molly's hand and makes a run for it. Candace quickly falls off the bridge and is impaled on a sailboat, which is as awesome as is impractical, and Peter offers up the most half-assed scream I have ever heard. Isaac dies in the bus, Olivia's crushed by a falling car, Nathan is obliterated by a cable, Todd Packer is burned with oil, Peter is impaled with rebar, and Sam gets cut in half so hard he becomes a low-budget video game character.
So Sam transitions back to live action and realizes, guys, it was a premonition. He realizes this in part because he cuts his finger again like he did in the premonition, and, good question, do people that cut themselves really suck their own blood? They do it like four times in this movie. That's gross, right? Why would you stick your dirty, bloody fingers in your mouth?
Anyway, Sam grabs Molly and starts running, and others get off the bus with enough lead time to avoid the impending disaster. Not all of them, mind you. 17 coworkers still die, but all the ones who had lines, they live.
Smash cuts to the police station where a cop grills Sam about how he knew the bridge was going to collapse. I mean, he goes so far as to ask the others if Sam has ever held extreme views. After all, it's a little suspicious that Sam broke up with his girlfriend mere seconds before getting on the bus to head directly to the bridge, and, you know, maybe he was so sad about the breakup he found a way to destroy an entire bridge just, you know, on a sad, angry whim. I mean, I'm pretty sure that the 9-11 hijackers were all broken up with, you know, mid-flight. Osama, still kicking. Oh, never mind. They determined the bridge was flattened by strong winds, but then again, do we really know how hard Sam can blow?
I mean, maybe his lungs are industrial strength fans. You need to pursue every lead. Anyway, they go to the Mass funeral and they run into the old candy man again, and he tells them to watch out because death doesn't like to be cheated, don't you know? And they don't act on this info.
Now Sam is cooking, and he's having a rough night of it. So he goes to see Molly, who's making tea. Death tea, maybe? No, it's just Earl Grey or some shit.
She reiterates that he needs to follow what he loves while she pursues what she loves, becoming a mid-level regional manager at Dunder Mifflin, I guess. She literally never offers an alternate reason why she wouldn't want to go to Paris. Paris night.
That scene resolved. We're now in a gym where Peter drops the intern off at gymnastics practice, and thankfully it's like an adult gymnastics practice. And apparently she's a halfway decent college athlete, along with being a halfway decent intern, and that sleeping with the boss is the best thing you could do as an intern. Dave? So obviously she's about to die here, but once again, death offers several tantalizing possibilities. I mean, water spits on some electrical wires, per usual, and a ceiling fan acts up and drops a single screw on the balance. Rod or the pommel beam. Look, I played GameCube growing up. Anyway, you think she's gonna go all quiet place on the screw, but she doesn't. She transitions to the swingy bars and starts swinging, but then another girl gets on the beamy beam and lands on the screw, falls off and knocks some powder into Candace's face. Fortunately, she's a pro and gracefully sticks to the landing.
10 out of 10! I'm gonna call it now. That is the most brutal death in the series. Also the most creative. Also, also, not possible. But good work, team, give yourselves a hand.
So that's sad, but now the remaining survivors clear out their old co-workers' desks and Isaac is straight stealing dead people's shit, including a gift card to a spa. It's at said spa where we realize Isaac is not only a disgusting pig, he's also mildly racist. Yum, yum dim sum. Yo, Buddha, slow down on the rice cakes. Which is weirdly a growing theme here near the end. To punish him for his racism, the spa gives him an older, less attractive masseuse who pulverizes his body and stuffs him full of acupuncture needles. First of all, she leaves the room while some incense catches the room on fire, Isaac's bed breaks, and eventually his head is caved in by Buddha.
And I'm just now realizing how many places are gonna be closed because of death's indiscretions. I already mentioned the Speedway and the apartment complex, but this spa is gonna be closed forever. Imagine the liability insurance needed to cover a fire that killed a client. And what about that tanning salon that cooked two clients alive, the hospital where a tub fell through the floor and an ambulance ran somebody over, the public pool that sucked out that dude's asshole, the amusement park with the off-the-rails roller coaster and that off-ran Lowe's that shot nails into a woman's face, I mean, and that's just off the top of the dome. That's a lot of economic damage, death. And this spa's presumably a minority on business.
Yo, death sucks. Anyway, Candyman is still a coroner or a mortician or whatever, so he shows up along with the rest of the co-workers to collect Isaac's pervy, shitty dead body. They ask him what they should do, and the Candyman introduces a brand new, crazy wrinkle into the game by suggesting that they murder somebody, that person would take their place on death's list. This is something that would have been awesome to learn about at any point before this one, and also feels like a completely arbitrary rule for death to have.
Does he just have like a quota he needs to meet? Like 150,000 deaths a day, or he's gonna get chewed out by that Mac Daddy Graham reaper? That sounds really stressful, I'm sorry, Dad.
So now they're all considering flat-out murder, but Olivia first needs a LASIK surgery before she can even consider trying to stab anybody. Predictably, it goes poorly, and she gets lasered all over the eye and face, but less predictably, what actually kills her is falling out the window.
Oh, that's another business closed forever.
Weirdly, nobody ever receives or notices any signs about death's intentions. A major shift from four, where death would apparently run his DRGT ideas past Nick before he'd try anything. How they don't even mention the death order thing until an hour and four minutes into this 90-minute movie. That's some powerful restraint. Also, there have been surprisingly few deaths to this point, and we're nearing the end of the movie. Death's gonna really need to pick it up if it's gonna fulfill its contractual obligations to New Line Cinema and Mac Daddy.
To that end, Roy and Nathan engage in a verbal sparring match, and Nathan kind of sort of murders Roy by taking advantage of a falling hook, effectively removing his name from the list. Then Todd Packer investigates Roy's dead body and is immediately hammered in the face by a wrench.
Okay, yeah, that's more what I'm talking about. Then Sam decides, you know what? I am gonna move to Paris.
Maybe death doesn't want me dead anyway because my foie gras is to die for. Before he leaves, he cooks a little late-night meal for Molly, and of course, this little date is crashed by Peter, who's just really wigging out about the whole needing to kill people thing. I mean, he admits that he hasn't killed anybody yet, but he would like to murder Molly because technically she didn't die in the vision, so she doesn't deserve to live, I think is his crazy-ass logic. Regardless, he's correct that killing Sam would do nothing for him because Sam was supposed to die anyway, although Peter does have a gun, meaning that he could kill pretty much anybody with relative ease, so it seems like he could take out somebody much more deserving of death or at least somebody less conspicuous than Molly. But no, this series has never tried its hand at having an actual full-on villain fight, so let's go ahead and turn Peter into a real bad boy. Also, you're a big dumb idiot if you think that this fight doesn't end when the bad boy knocks the good boy to the ground, but before he can finish him, the good girl jumps on the bad boy from behind last minute and gets knocked off, but not before the good boy can get back up and win the fight because that's quite possibly how every single menage a trois final fight goes in every movie ever made.
There is no other way to do it. It's as easy to predict as the rising of the sun and the deaths of any marginally sexual characters in a horror movie. The only additional twist to this classic formula is the cop shows up again and gets murdered by Peter, which technically means that Peter is now off of death's list, but then Sam kills Peter and by the transitive property is now free to move about the country without having to worry about getting murdered by a haunted toaster or some shit. He immediately takes advantage of this freedom by boarding a plane to Paris with Molly, who I guess gave up on her paper dreams and hey, weren't there other characters who tried to board a plane to Paris? Oh, shit. That's right, kids. This movie is secretly set in the year 2000 and they're on board the same Flight 180 that exploded all the hell way back in the first movie because twist, they're now dead too. Is death getting back at them or is this just crappy luck? I don't know. Cut to Nathan hanging out at Roy's memorial service, you know, the guy he murdered with a hook and somebody tells him that hey, Roy would have been dead from a heart thing at any moment anyway, so basically good thing he died this way. So, you know, Nathan is absolved of all guilt until Flight 180 crashes through the top of the bar, flattening him. Now, let me treat you to a supercut of literally every death in the series. Again, for like the 90th time. What a fitting end.
It's all a defeat of death, right? Nobody can defeat death.
Yeah, I think you're probably good. Awesome. I'm so freaking hungry. Well, if I'm gonna die anyway, I'm just gonna go to freaking Arby's.
They do have the meats. They sure do, Candyman. They sure do.
Lots of exploding glass. Always a cloud. No. Lots of exploding glass. Always a cloud pressure.
What is wrong with me?
So, Alex wipes his shitty ass. I'm an artist. I had to get real semen from a cow. Human semen's not milky enough. You get it. Dave! |
dropout | portal_2_sucks | Welcome to Nerd Alert for Friday, May 6th. I'm Jeff Rubin here with comedian John Gabris and Ars Technica writer Casey Johnston. On today's episode, we will be talking about theater lovers and sci-fi nerds.
Neither kiss girls, but for very different reasons. In 1996, they managed to find even more common ground in a high school production called Star Wars the Musical. We will be interviewing the one surviving cast member of the show who, after they were done, was not wedgie to death.
After being delayed from 2010, Portal 2 was finally released. It is currently the best-selling game in America, and according to GameRankings.com, the number two most critically acclaimed PC game of all time. Is it the first product in the history of things to live up to the hype?
Game of Thrones has been so successful out of the gate that HBO has already renewed it for a second season. It is a mix of the network's finest, including the intrigue of the Sopranos, the politics of the Wire, and the ******* of Real Sex 24.
But how does it compare to the fantasy novels on which it's based? Your thoughts, Gabris. It compares pretty well to books. It's tonally the same.
It's a lot of cursing and talking about ****** princesses and stuff like that. But it feels really smushed. I'm like, oh, ****, are they already at the wall? That's really a nerd complaint. I've never read the books. I wanted to go into this fresh, but it's hard to imagine being like, you know what? This needs more backstory. They could only expand more if they could be talking more about what happened before the show started. It's so expansive.
It's like the books is like every chapter is a different protagonist. You follow each character. So you kind of like go one percent of the way with this character, one percent of the way with this character, all the way through. And then you go back and then do the second percent of that character.
The girl who plays Daenerys is like so wooden. But she's got a big old ****, right? Definitely. Can we talk about her ****, man? Is that true to the book? The way I picture her, yes. Danners.
I never knew how to say it. It's like I said hermione until I saw the first Harry Potter movie. Yeah, I said hermione. I said hermione.
I think it's really funny how far down the talent ladder HBO still has to go to find a girl who will do sex scenes. I just like envision the casting director sitting through these castings like, so, okay, there's going to be some nudity. And the girl's like, all right, shut it down. There is a lot of sex on this show and it's not just like regular sex. It's like it's doggy style. There was so much doggy style that when it wasn't doggy style, it was a plot point and they had to explain why they were nodding. There was like an hour set up to cowgirl.
Portal 2 is finally out and anything less than the best game of all time would have been a disappointment, yet Valve seems to have lived up to their own Pixar-like standards. Why can't every game be this good? Casey. Valve's values when they come out of game are just so different from any other company. It's just going to be different and different is good. So Portal 2 is obviously great.
I don't think we need to dwell on that. It's really hard to complain about, but I think we should try what are the worst parts of Portal 2. I did find Steven Murchin a little grating in part. Really? I actually read an article saying that Richard A. Wade, who is Moss in the IT crowd, he was their first choice to play Wheatley and I think he would have been actually a good measure better than Steven Murchin was. That's a good complaint. I like we found one about Portal 2.
Well, not the loading. I felt like there was a lot of loading. There was a lot of loading.
I had this thing happen when I stopped playing the game and then I went on the bus where I start looking around the world and I'm like, oh, if we put a portal down here and the bus drove into it and then we could fling ourselves, did that happen to you guys? That happens to me with every game I play too much of, and you know that. That's definitely happening. I play role-playing games where I'm like, if that bus hit me, it would take out this much of my hit points and I'd have to have a potion and blah, blah, blah. When I played Portal, it's the same thing. I played so much Goldeneye when I was younger that I would strafe into rooms. I'd walk around the corners keeping my shoulders like that. I would notice security cameras in the 7-Eleven and stuff. I feel like that's a quality of the very best games that you see them when you stop playing. I think Tetris is really notorious for that.
I was recently at a bar and they gave us the wrong drink, and I saw it as a Mass Effect type situation where I was like, well, I could just ignore this or I could be really nice about it and try to be like, hey, I'm sorry. Or I could just be a total piece of shit and be like, hey, get back here, buddy, and increase my Renegade meter. You are a sociopath, that means. If you look at interactions with humans as video game interactions, that means you have lost touch with reality. Oh, I see. You were saying years weren't about how to deal with humans. That's a little better than straight into the room. Yours is like, mine is more like, do I have room in my pack for this soda drink? Because you were in your own little world where it sounded like putting this on other people. Yeah. Someone talks to you, you're like, choose one of four reactions. Smile, frown.
I don't really see games in real life, but I do get to some points in games where I play them obsessively, that I see them when I close my eyes and try to go to sleep. I'm just going in my mind. During the Starcraft 2 beta, I was just seeing zerglings and selecting them in my brain, moving them over here, and that's what happens.
All right, I think we've embarrassed ourselves enough. Let's move on to Own Up, a segment where you guys send in your most embarrassing nerdy confessions. Let's see what we got this week.
So a couple years ago, I was walking to a bar one night with some friends, and I saw that someone left out for the trash every issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly from 1994 and 1995. And rather than risk them not being there by the time I got back, I spent the night at the bar with 24 issues of a magazine that's now 17 years old.
Finally today, our next guest found a way to make high school theater even cooler by merging it with science fiction. In 1996, he co-wrote, directed, and played Darth Vader in his high school's musical adaptation of Star Wars. Let's take a look at a clip.
Our destiny lies at the mercy of the power of the Force. Use the Force.
What exactly was Star Wars the Musical? Star Wars the Musical was a dream of two very nerdy, specifically like drama nerdy guys who loved Star Wars. We started like as a comedy, and our love for Star Wars made us get more and more serious in the most nerdy way. Yeah, because when you hear Star Wars the Musical, you'd assume it's kind of silly and maybe a little tongue-in-cheek. The clip I watch is almost wet. We couldn't let the Star Wars characters down. I totally appreciate a Star Wars nerd's obsession with Anakin and Obi-Wan, but I'm still a little unclear on how this actually became a show.
Did the students at your high school usually put on just whatever musical they wanted? We had been working on the musical for three years, my best friends and I, and our drama teacher that year happened to get sick. Nice. He got really sick, and there was no Shakespeare production that year, and we just kind of had this musical waiting in the wings.
How'd you get the girls in the drama club to sign on to do this? It seems impossible. It was difficult, but once you get all the boys, then you can get the girls. That's a weird expression. Once you get all the boys, then you get the... That's the friend you don't want to go out picking up chicks with. Once you get all the boys, then you can get the girls.
I'm going to just talk to a girl without you, bud. What did the adults say? Like, weren't there a teacher there to say, we're just going to do anything goes again this year. We already have the boots set built. I think that because we were so nerdy and innocent, honestly, as a whole group, adults weren't worried about the fact that we were just hanging out like till 10 p.m. every night at the PAC without any supervision.
So now you write the Star Wars musical, and you get to pick any part you want. You don't pick Han Solo, you pick Vader with no mask.
Were you just allergic to women in high school? Why would you do that to yourself? Definitely allergic to women in high school. It's true.
Darth Vader with no mask, an interesting decision. That came for our pure love of the prequels angle. You know, back when we were imagining what the prequels were, the idea of like what happened with Obi-Wan and Vader was so exciting to us that we really wanted Vader to be, you know, bald and, you know, kind of with a see-through helmet on. When I watched the play, I assumed that Vader without a mask was just a practical concern so he could sing with the actor, so he could sing. It's good to know that it's because you're such a super fan and you wanted to portray Anakin in his true form.
It really is that nerd. It's very impressive that a group of high school students managed to put this together because there's something of like a be kind, rewind quality, like a charm to seeing some of the big scenes like the trash compactor scene played out in an almost precious kind of way on stage. So the trash compactor scene was, you know, it was painted by one of the nerdy art students who, incidentally, actually was Spock's cousin, Leonard D. Moy's cousin. That is extremely incidental. Good use of the word. I know, but that's true. That is that. I know that you would actually care about this being a nerd. Yeah, if there's anyone that gives a shit about this, it's us.
Let me ask you this. Did you work harder on this Star Wars musical or on your high school classes? Oh, that's a joke. No, no, without a doubt. I think for most of us, that was the hardest we ever worked on, anything in high school. What did you learn more from, the Star Wars musical or your high school classes? That's easy. Star Wars musical, of course. There's no point in even asking that.
It always seems like things that you just take up on your own and things you work harder on in the class and that you actually enjoy end up teaching you more. I've learned way more from beating World of Warcraft than anything else in my life. I got to know, what are you doing now?
I'm an independent filmmaker. I've made a really amazing masterpiece of a cult movie called Starsliders. You can get it on the internet, www.starsliders.com. Can we talk about the shit the movie is? I don't know what it's about, but it's got Star in the title doing that.
Yeah, I think that's pretty inescapable. Anything that I ever did for the rest of my life would probably have to have Star somewhere in the title. I think that is all the time we have for this week.
Thank you so much for joining us, Garin. Starsliders, it's free online. Go check it out. Thank you to John and Casey.
NerdAlert will be back next Friday to talk about the Thor movie, with someone who has written Thor comics. In the meantime, here is CGY, our Bad Special Effects of the Week. Later losers. |
cracked | why_game_of_thrones_is_finally_better_than_the_books_winter_is_taking_forever | Welcome back to Winters Taking Forever, episode four. It was an exciting episode, I thought. It was the best, the season so far. I was a fan. Some stuff happened.
Some nice reunions. A lot of reunions. A lot of, specifically brother-sister reunions. You got your Jon Snow and your Sansa reuniting, finally, after five, six years.
Yeah, I didn't think they were gonna, I thought they were gonna miss each other. Oh, yeah. I really did, like, because he was like about to go out the door and I was like, oh no. Again. Hey, welcome to our weekly segment, Awkward Dinner Time. Where he goes, we aren't famous for our food, and she's like, you don't have to be, but also she's kinda like, but I wish this was better.
So they get this letter and now Jon Snow is off to war. Finally off to war. Yeah, he's gonna do it.
His sister was right.
Sansa was like, no seriously, we should be biting them. And he's like, I don't want to. And then they get a letter and he's like, oh, he's serious. And we were like, yeah, he's a creepy child.
We got some Theon and his unnamed sister. She's named in the show, but I don't remember her name. I don't remember either.
It was not as nice. You're a spoiled little, but you are my brother. She was such a dick. She was so mean.
She kept being like, why are you here? And it's like, why would, like, what, where else is he supposed to go? What am I gonna do? Like, they sent you my dick. Yeah, she even said that. She's like, yeah, they sent a part of you, but why are you here? And it's like, because he's like, needs a place. Did you save it? But then he was like, I want you to be the king, so. Yeah, and then she's like, oh my god.
So now we can be friends. I'm so happy you're back.
So what is with Davos? I don't get that guy anymore. His priorities are way off. He's so mad at Bran now.
Yeah. Because she really, like, roughed in his face about killing Stan. But she was, okay, yeah. She didn't really. She's bullying him a little bit.
So little fingers back showing his face. Made his entrance with a little tiny stare. The defender of the veil.
Creepy Lord boy is back. And he's so, just so weird. He's so creepy. Now he's older and his mother's dead, but he's somehow creepier.
Like, I don't like his lack of focus. His like, wandering mind, you know? He's not gonna look at you. He's not gonna, he's just gonna stare at the hawks like, yeah, kill the guy. He so doesn't care about anything, but. He's very detached from reality.
And they're gonna go on a fun trip together to save Sansa, who she'll be so happy to see both of them. Congratulations Sansa, you finally reunite with your brother, you didn't even like. And now here's this creepy boy and the guy who sent you to, Ramsay Bolton. I'm excited for creepy boy to meet creepy boy. They're gonna like, not look at each other. I guess Ramsay will like, try to stare into his soul and then creepy boy will just be like, I can't feel you. I don't even know you. I'm just gonna look at a hawk.
Still in marine, still in marine. Still in marine.
Feels a little bit like Tress Fonterian is back. Where he was like, I was a slave and they were like, how long were you a slave? And he's like, like a wee. Daenerys was definitely like, no more slavery. And then he's like, some slavery? And someone else is like, oh, you're the dolphin, you're the eunuch. And then they like look at each other like, this again, we're still a dwarf and a eunuch.
We get it, right? I think that there's, they hired one sitcom writer. Just every episode, they're like, you get a scene. Yeah, and they're like, okay, I'm still gonna make this funny. And he's like, farts. Speaking of unnecessary humor infused in the show, they have, they start with a scene of Jorah and Dario trying to save Dany. And they're walking along. And it's just like this weird, like buddy cop, like road movie dialogue. And they're like being real dicks to each other.
I don't think your heart could take it. And now we are in King's Landing and seeing Queen Marjorie, who's been in prison for forever. Forever. The Sparrow brings her out, he talks to her.
And it's really just him being like, I have a party. It's so weird, because he's just bragging. I woke up, I could smell the sex. Very rehearsed, you know, it was like, I gotta always make sure I mention the smell. Do you know what an orgy smells like? Cause this guy does. I do, I didn't even put my shoes on my left.
And then they had a little reunion between brother and sister. This is the saddest, probably. And she's like, but we gotta. And then he's like, but like why? It's like all of the brothers are like, please make this stop. And all the sisters are like, we can't. So Circe then goes to the High Council. She was like, they're gonna make her walk around the city naked like they made me do. And then she's like, what? This is unacceptable.
She's been in prison. They've been doing bad stuff to her this whole time. You don't even know what they've done to her. They could've made her get naked and walk around a lot and you didn't know.
So we're back at Winterfell. Terrible, terrible Winterfell. I hate Winterfell when the Boltons are there.
And Tonks, she walks in very clearly with a murder plan in her eyes. This can't be the first time that someone's had their hand on Ramsay's dick and then he slits their throat. Don't touch it cause you'll die. Right, he wasn't fooled. She did not see that coming. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. Like if you do it real slow. You're gonna get stabbed in the throat. Burning down the house. Yeah, we're back in the sacred city. They threaten Daenerys and she's like, I wouldn't do that and then they do.
And then she remembers that she's fireproof. Then she burns everything down. They all die except for her cause she's fireproof. And then she walks out and everybody's like. Her clothes die. Yes, her clothes.
Prediction time. Yes, we are the Three-Eyed Raven.
I think that Tommen is f***ed. I am so worried about Tommen.
He's such a good boy.
And they keep being like, do the bad things. And he's like. Right and now he's starting to be like, what kind of bad things should I do? Jorah is, I mean he's got that skin thing now. Yeah, he's a stone man.
That's taking forever too. Taking forever. Cause when, before that happened, they're like don't let him touch you cause you'll like die really f***ing soon. Yeah. No, it will take forever.
Yes. And they'll both find out. Their mother's name is Martha. And then they'll hug. And then they'll probably like do some dick stuff. And then Ramsay will cut his throat.
Thank you so much for watching. If you liked the video, please like and subscribe.
We talk about this every week. And please comment below. Yeah, let us know what you're looking forward to in the show. What predictions you might have. What segments you want to see return to this show. And we'll bring them back. Yeah. If it happens. If it doesn't, we'll just make it up. Sorry. |
dropout | What_s_Wrong_With_Being_Whipped | Five, four, three, two, one, 3.51 p.m. All right, I'm going to go eat 50 tacos, who's coming with me? I am. Actually, Ken, I'm supposed to meet with my girlfriend for dinner.
Methinks the tail mayhaps is whipped. Okay, why am I whipped?
Just because I'm meeting with my significant other and been seen all week? Significant other, sounds like you're... Jessica, you're not going to back me up on this? Aren't you married? Oh, I may be married, but I'm not like you. The only person that answers to Jessica is Jessica.
Yeah, what do you like to go to the mall with your girlfriend and carry your big heavy bags? Uh, no, we haven't been to the mall in like 20 years, but yeah. If she had too many bags, I would carry some of them for her.
Look, Taylor, let me lay it on the line for you, okay? If you are not falling asleep butt naked on a cold cement floor every night after horking down gas station hot dogs, yo, brother. Okay, fine, being in a healthy relationship is whipped, then call me whipped. Okay, come on, is it really worth it to be in a bad relationship just so you're not whipped?
Oh, yes, absolutely. The only time I see my husband is when I accidentally run into him at the grocery store. But at least I'm not like you. That sounds awful. Have like a weekly date night or something. Oh, that's so much.
How dare you. You're a dead man. Look, I told the last guy I dated that I'm allergic to old people because I didn't want to meet his parents. Because I ain't trying to be... What a massive lie. You're just lying. My husband doesn't even know what state I'm from because I tell him nothing. Okay, so sharing information is being whipped?
Yes.
Fine, I'll change my plans. I'll change my plans for her right now.
Hey, hey, baby. Uh, I... Oh, you're outside? You're picking me up? And taking me to the fancy restaurant where you get to pick a server from a tank? But it's your birthday.
Okay. Okay, that sounds... That's so nice. Okay. All right, I'll see you soon. Bye. Aww.
Who's doing things for me? Does that make her whipped? Why am I whipped? Oh, does your girlfriend control your entire schedule for you?
Does she tell you where you're allowed to poo-poo and pee-pee and which one and how much? No, I decide how I poo-poo and pee-pee and I know how to do it. All right, you know what? Fine, I'll cancel my plans with her and go with you guys, eat tacos or whatever. There.
Can't call me whipped now, huh? Tao, you caved almost immediately to just the slightest amount of peer pressure. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were whipped by your friends.
I didn't shit all over that bathroom, by the way. That's not what they said at orientation. Orientation? It's in our packets. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freakin' dad? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Voter_s_Guide_To_Mitt_Romney | The Onion's Election 2012. We decide, not you. Brought to you by 7-Eleven or 7-Election. Voting rates available at participating locations only. Election Day is approaching. And this year, your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever. To help you make the right choice, we present the Onion Voter's Guide to Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney comes from a family known for its rich and storied history of failed presidential campaigns. For generations, the Romney family has been recognized as one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious presidential election losing families. Losing a presidential election is in Mitt Romney's blood. It was in his father's blood. Some say it's what the Romneys were put on this Earth to do.
But now that he's actually the GOP candidate, the stakes are higher than ever. Does he have what it takes to pull off yet another humiliating defeat?
The next fact you should know is that Mitt Romney is a member of a religion that we apparently all have to pretend is just a religion like any other. Governor Romney's religion, which we all have to say is no more odd than any other major religion, even though we know for a fact that it is because, holy shit, just look at it, is expected to play a minor role in this year's election. Which is crazy, because it really should be the very first thing anyone talks about when Mitt Romney's name is brought up. Seeing as it deeply informs virtually every aspect of his personal and professional life, but that's something we apparently don't talk about, so I'm going to move on now. It is also worth noting that Mitt Romney played Roseanne's boss for half a season of the hit sitcom Roseanne.
On the issue of immigration, evidence has shown that Governor Romney's stance on immigration varies in direct proportion to his physical distance from the U.S.-Mexico border. For instance, if Mitt Romney is speaking to Latino-heavy states like Arizona or New Mexico, he believes that America is a nation of immigrants and that immigration provides an important source of labor for our economy. However, if he's addressing factory workers in Pennsylvania, he believes that jobs should be protected for native-born Americans and that the U.S.-Mexico border should be policed by predator drones, stealth bombers, and, if necessary, a bottomless trench extending across the U.S. southern border. On the contentious issue of abortion, Mitt Romney has made his views clear he is vehemently against medical procedures to terminate the life of an unborn child, but does enjoy watching abortions whenever he gets the chance. Romney has repeatedly said that anyone who's interested really should take the time to watch an abortion at some point, because it is actually a really cool and fascinating process to look at, even if you're opposed to it.
If Romney is elected president, what can we expect from his first term in office? Political pundit Jim Haley offers his projection. Since the planet will almost certainly be rendered uninhabitable by climate change and food shortages within Mitt Romney's first term, we will most likely see him construct a large space ark capable of carrying two of every denomination of currency. He will then load the space ark with two dollars, two euros, two yen, and two of every other world currency and light off into the cosmos to found a new interstellar plutocratic utopia. And lastly, what's the most important issue?
The most important thing to know heading into this November is that the Lakers with Dwight Howard are just too good. Why bother getting emotionally invested in anything when we're talking about a team with four Hall of Famers in the starting lineup? Is there any other front court in basketball that can handle Howard and Gasol at once? Not to mention Nash on the pick and roll. Oh, and then guess who's wide open for a jumper if you choose to double any of those guys? Kobe fucking Bryant. Enjoy your Miami Los Angeles NBA Finals, David Stern. Hope you're happy, asshole. |
cracked | mission_impossible_for_20_deleted_scenes_and_bloopers | Big P means something completely different to her. You're going too complex. To be the Big P. Nope. Oh, darling T. Nope? Okay. You're still rolling? There once was a story my mother told me about a little boy named Danny T. She said you would grow up to be the Big P. But don't ask Stormy.
She doesn't like me. You need to walk away.
Uh, tilt your head. Yep. And there we go. Let's get a normal take. And action. How long before a manlike hunt after being betrayed, bewildered, bong ripped, beaten, broken, and butt plugged? How long before he breaks and becomes the man that you don't want him to be anymore? Alright, so we're trying to get it. And now, the world is at stake. At risk. Steak. So we're going to try and get it normal? Brad, give me back my cookie. Ethan, that's not who we are. We need to reconsider that. All right. So, how is he? Sorry, I'm going to break down your hair a little more. I'm jumping out a window. I got to call you back. And now the world is at risk. Not to the side. Right at me. No. You know.
Caught him on fire. Embarrassed him. Shot him. Shot him in the d**khole. Wet willy. Pants poisoned. Sucked his d**k and spit it out. Oh my god, no. All over his new pants. And action. What is he doing?
I find it best not to look.
Bought him a beverage. And then poured the beverage down his pants. And then laughed. And then made him feel like he was nothing. And embarrassed him in front of all of his friends.
Because these guys, their job is pretty impossible, all right? And you're making it more impossible.
You talk about disbanding the IMF. No. We should be disbanding NATO, okay? We'll have a pint. Wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Shoved a bong up his butt. And then pulled it out. And he abscessed. It was terrible.
Oh, you know. Same old Ethan. Out there with them prostitutes and the murderers. Just like he used to. Kicking and vending machines. Stuffing small people in them. Blowing up snowmobiles. Just like Ethan.
How you doing? The end you always hoped was coming. J.J. Abrams never had a plan for the end of this. Nothing. Stop this madness. What are you doing?
Caused so much anxiety in his day to day life. That he had to let his wife go.
And throw her down a well. And then cut her head off while she was down there. And then pulled her back out. And then skull fucked her.
Sorry. Oh my god. Stop it, we kids. It's too bad.
Nice. Really good.
Let's open up that hoe, Jig. Let's open up that hoe. I'm jumping out a window.
Do it.
You can't kill him. You think I can't. You can't.
You're the c***, Ethan. You're the c***.
Really? I was close to that. That was a chip too. That was a chip. Ooh. Oh god.
They be dead. Okay. Gun. Deport. Zero to nothing. There's no more. No more impossible missions. Let's do it one more time. That's the job. There cannot be peace. Without first. A great suffering.
I change my mind. I'll tell you everything.
If he'd have held on to the Platonium, him and his team would be dead. Yes, he would.
That's the job. You're fired. Two, one. Your mission. Stop that. Excuse me. You're hurting me. Sorry. Dammit.
Some more subtle looks. Now the world is at risk. They're stealing our jobs. They're planting our soybeans.
Don't touch his butt hoe. Camera rolling. Don't make me come inside you.
So, how is he? So, Tom, can you tell us a little bit about the movie?
Well, it's going to be really fun. How is this different from the other Mission Impossible entries? Well, this one's going to be more fun. What's fun about it for you? Just how fun it is.
Dude. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_puerto_rico_s_only_zoo_closes_man_plans_to_turn_jail_into_airbnb_snl | As this year's awards season gets underway, there's growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of best actor and best actress, and instead called him best Actor and best Actor who got paid less. a man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. it was announced that Puerto Rico's only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. worse, the zoo is closing. it's being advertised as all you Can Eat. biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard, named for its ability to run on water, could spread harmful diseases to humans. they hope to control the population by introducing a punctuous pilot lizard. that's sweet. it was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material, so the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter A Plenty. a California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid.
A new study, I tried to plow right through. a new study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life.
Yeah, but for what?
A porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and said it, this is really sad, ma'am. he broke his penis and said it went completely black, which you know means it's never going back.
The man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in Timberlands. it's really sad, man. it's really sad. a new trend among younger workers is bare Minimum Monday, in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week, while a new trend among World War Ii veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing. fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214-year-old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. the clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater.
You never know, Colin. some owners of Mcdonald's franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet-ass patty.
Oh. |
dropout | hardly_working_hiccups | Hey, so, uh, P-Knuckle that at my house later? At Canberra. I'm working the late shift to TGI Fridays. You should come by though. If you become Woody's Facebook fan, you can get a free burger. Why do you mean why you're there again?
Oh, Ricky fired me four months ago. Technically. It wasn't so funny. Okay, okay.
Why did the dog, whose owner had hiccups, kill himself? Why? You'd kill yourself too if your name was Fi- Ugh, no!
Okay, okay, okay. What is the difference between a coyote and a hiccuper? What? Well, a coyote howls on the prairie, and a hiccuper is an obnoxious air-gulping freak!
Hey, good meeting, Pat. You should come by the Hamptons House this weekend. It's the third annual wine tasting tournament.
I could use a partner like you. Hey, it'd be my pleasure, Jake. I'm ready.
Ugh! Um, you know what? I just realized I'm gonna be sick that weekend. I'm gonna have a cold.
Oh. Sorry. Okay. The way he was sucking in that air. I know what I saw. Ooh, I'm sorry. Didn't see you there.
Josh, let's go. It's racquetball time. Oh, Pat, uh, you should probably stay here. Look, if it was just me, I'd have to be so loud about it. Hey guys, wait up! Come on!
Ugh! Who did this? Cowards!
I mean, Pat, this is a business, you know? I mean, I have responsibility to take care of my employees.
You're a good guy, but, you know, this isn't gonna work out. Gentlemen, I'm not going to sit here and be treated like a second-class citizen. We are standing in New York City, the city of brotherly love, where the Declaration of Independence was written. And I don't recall that glorious document saying anything about all non-hiccuping men being treated equal.
We are- Hey, I think that worked! Hey guys, what do you call a thousand hiccupers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! It's still fine. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_s_hunger_games | Another's arrow has pierced my heart. And now he has pierced ours.
He's like Legolas with better cheekbones. Kim Jong Un, how are you so skilled at the hunger?
Does not exist. Games! I will explain with a relevant and truthful flashback.
As a boy, Kim Jong Un entered the annual true Korea battle royale. Even as Kim Jong Il's son, the only advantage Eun was given was a canteen of water, three matches, and a submachine gun. Also, the other competitors were tied to trees. He won 17 times.
That story has done the impossible, made you more attractive to me. Let us make furious love this instant. No! A Kim Jong Un Jada power couple would be too powerful. Internet nerds, attack! She loves us, not you!
Quick, take my golden acting man. You deserve it more anyway. I am so sorry. I was just jealous. After People magazine called you Kim Jong Swoon. I saved myself for you. But still, I know you kiss better than all men. I look like a sexy ex-person sometimes. I hope that is okay. Now let us go for a lover's jog. Truly, you have found the silver lined playbook to my heart. |
SaturdayNightLive | jack_harlow_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow! thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. This is incredible. my name is Jack Harlow, and it's been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour.
I just shot my first movie, White Men Can't Jump. and a lot of people have been saying I'm the Goat. they don't mean greatest of all time, they mean that one from Narnia. yeah, I don't know what it is about me, but people on the internet, they like to roast me. I don't mind, I think it's funny. one guy said, I don't know why y'all think Jack Harlow is so special, you can find somebody who looks like him at any local gas station. I've heard them say I look like if you tried to draw Justin Timberlake from memory. I think my favorite one might be Jack Harlow looks like the guy who rips the tickets in half at the movie theater. y'all agree? There's also a strange amount of rumors about me. some people think I'm only 5'10", Stop it. other people think I was created by the Cia, no telling. some people have even gone as far as to accuse me of being white. I've seen a lot of kids running around dressed as me for Halloween too, and I just want to say cut it out because my culture is not a costume. I've also heard people try to romantically link me and Lil Nas X as an item.
But I'm going to tell you right now, no, everything that happened between us was casual. and consensual. And one of the best nights of my entire life. working with him, working with him, working with him. You know, what's really crazy though is that this show is Live, like really live. it's one of the last real live shows, basically it's just this in the office. like, I can really do anything right now, like technically no one can stop me, I don't even have to stay on this stage. I think I'd like to leave this stage. what's your name? Michaela. everybody give it up for Michaela, Please. is there anything, you know, with the world watching you'd like to say? Huge Jack Harlow fan. Unbelievable, unbelievable. Thank you so much, everyone! Seriously give it up for Michaela, Wow. that's beautiful. Listen, I just want to give a shout out to my family, my mom and dad are here tonight, my grandparents are here tonight. I'm so grateful for you, Y'all are the reason I get to stand on this stage and say. we have a great show for you tonight, I'm here, stick around, we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | little_orphan_cassidy_snl | Of course, I certainly will, Mrs. Mendelssohn. Mm-hmm, bye-bye now. Well, Mrs. Pippenstuffs, what did she say? that she and Mr. Mendelssohn think you're a lovely girl, but they don't want to adopt me, do they? No, sweetheart, I'm afraid not. Now, off to bed, girls, it's late. Cassidy, if I was a grown-up, I'd adopt you. Thanks, Amelia. good night. good night.
Oh, Mr. Moon, what's wrong with me? whatever do you mean, Cassidy? I mean, sometimes it feels like nobody wants me. What of me that they don't understand? what is it about me that they don't get? But it seems it makes me never get adopted. Oh, what is it about me? Chin up, Cassidy, I think you're perfect.
Is it because of my hair? Ready. Is it because of my life? that's cute. Is it because I love just two more? Not a chance. Is it because of my clothes? are you of style? Is it because I'm 26 years old? wait, what? that can't be it. No, that might be it.
You said you're 26 years old? Well, 26 and 18 months. So 27. you're 27 years old. and still an orphan. Why don't I feel like the other girls? Because you're old.
Is there a family for me on this earth? Honestly, you're old enough to start your own family. Well, I find parents on this whole flat earth. No, no. Are there somewhere on this earth that is definitely flat?
Is it dumb, too? So what?
I bit a girl last week. Straight down to the bone. And yeah, I have $600,000 in student loans. you went to college? Yes, but I was the one who ate the bat in Wuhan, China. when you started Covid? And yeah, I write short stories where I have sex with monsters in a dungeon. hey, stop. please stop. just chilling, having sex with gay gargoyles like it's my job.
Oh, what is it about me that's so hard to love? I think we're running into a few possible issues here. Yo, Cassidy, baby, you get adopted yet?
Oh, not yet, Putty. Damn. hey, I'm sorry. who's that? is that your boyfriend or something? Yeah, man, I'm putty, man.
I'm 49 and 30 months. So you're 51.
Yeah, no doubt. But, Cass, baby, you got to get adopted, girl. Remember the plan. hey, hold up. what's the plan? Well, that sounds so shady. What plan? I'll tell you all about it, Silly Moon. Step one, while my new dad is sleeping, I make a mold of his teeth. Yeah, step two, I give the tape. no, no, stop singing. Stop it. don't call me Silly Moon, okay? my concerns are very valid. you have some shady plan with your 51-year-old boyfriend named Putty?
Okay, okay, thanks. I know I'm your imaginary friend, but I can't hang with you anymore. Sorry.
Oh, Mr. Moon. Mr. Moon!
Well, at least I have my real friends. Get Out! Oh, what is it about me? you're a bad person. |
dropout | You_Suck_In_Your_Own_Story | And so apparently my dog has an identical twin that lives right across the street from us. Classic case of mistaken identity. That's a great story. Oh, I have a great story too. Tell us.
So last week I went to the spaghetti pop-up ramen bar. I was there a little late and there's a huge line already around the block. But I saw my friend Tyson in line, so I cut in right behind him and this guy's all like, excuse me, you can't do that. That's so unfair. I've been waiting for two to three hours like a big idiot.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, that ain't my problem, dude. And I'm so glad I did because I got the last bowl of spaghetti ramen for the day and it was so good. Oh, you guys should go. So you cut in line in front of a bunch of people? Yeah, and the other guy doesn't sound like a monster. You do.
Why would you tell us a story when you're clearly the villain? What? No, I'm not the villain. I'm the protagonist. I'm telling the story. That doesn't automatically make you the good guy. What? I don't think you guys understood the story.
Oh, I have a dog story. You guys like dogs? Oh, yes.
So my neighbor never picks up his dog. He's going to be the villain in this story, I can already tell. So one day I was following him around while he was walking his dog and I was secretly picking up his dog for him. You're a neighborhood hero. And then when he wasn't looking, I ran up to him and threw his dog right to his face. And then I ran away before he could see me.
And he asked me about it later, and I said it was the kid down the street. He called the cops on an eight-year-old.
You are the villain in this story. You picked up dog shit with your bare hands and threw it at someone. And framed a child. Yeah, justice is served. We were on your side, but then you took it too far, and now you're the shit in the story. Why would I be the shit in a narrative that I control? Good question.
Oh, it's Craig, my brother. He keeps asking me for money. That's so hard having a family member.
You can't help, you know. Hey, Craig. Yeah, no, I can't. I'm sorry, I don't have any money for you. Okay, I wish I could help.
Okay. Maybe I'll see you at Thanksgiving? Okay, all right. Aw, do you need a hug? Yeah, come here buddy.
It must be so hard not being able to help your family. Yeah, it's just so unfair for him to keep asking me.
Like, I need more than five years to pay him back, you know. Wait, your brother was asking you to pay him back? Yeah, and he's being such a shit about it. I keep telling him I spent all of his money on skydiving lessons, and I just need a couple more, and then I become an instructor. You fooled us again, and you are clearly the shit. Pay your brother back. Oh, I'm sorry, I think you misheard. I spent all of his money on skydiving.
Hey, it's Tao. If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a small bag of catnip, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. So chat with us live on the Dropout Discord, and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad?
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dropout | kevin_s_beard | Hi, I'm Kevin, and as you may have noticed, I've been growing this beautiful beard for about a year now, making it a year. That's a one-year beard, but it's time to go. So with the help of New York's number one beard stylist here, we're going to cut it into a number of fancy mustaches and whatnot as we destroy something beautiful.
Are you nervous? I'm a little nervous. Have you ever done this before? I've shaved before. Okay, you ready?
Mm-hmm. Yep, that's awesome. Daisy Jones. Pirates of the Kara Bearden. Oh, wow. That's pretty cool. It's surprisingly crispy.
You couldn't hurt yourself on it. Oh, you could hurt yourself. You could break your heart.
Let's cut my heart. Oh, it's symmetrical. Things are getting crazy over here.
What's your end game? Uh, I guess we'll finish cutting off my beard and then I'll kill myself.
It looks so wise. Yeah. What's the best way to find gold in the Old West? Ah, beautiful. You look like you should be a villain. Yeah.
I'd like to be the Pringles man. You ready? I'm nervous. It's going to be okay.
Oh no. I'm hideous. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_kenan_kelly_snl | For the Kiki Palmer episode, thanks to Kiki's brilliant mind, we did a recreation of the Kenan and Kale show. So the art team had like 48 hours, basically, to recreate the grocery store Rigby's. Oh My. God, look at that. seeing that grocery store, man, it brought it all home. Nostalgia City.
And, you know, when I stepped on set, that's when it was really like, oh, this is gonna be special. y'all want me? Yeah. hi. hey, come here. the Kiki of it all, the mastermind, She mentioned like she had an idea for the show and I was like, what is it? And she said Kenan and Kale. And she left it at that. And I was like, I think I know what that is. Rigby now sells fresh sushi. yeah, maybe it's too fresh. Devin at the table read Kale's part. we need you to be Kale. like, do you think you can do that? And I truly had no idea, but when somebody asked you something like that here, you just kind of have to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how to do that. what's up, everybody?
Aw, I miss you so much. Oh, wow.
Devin can do a great Kale impression. like, he crushed it. I'm a dude. he's a dude. she is a dude. But we're all dudes. Kale showed up on Friday. he's just a genius and would always make me laugh. classic, like sitcom, silly humor. the uh-oh, here comes the bust, the dramatic one, where she just like yelled it out and screamed it.
I mean, she's just the best. that's what commitment looks like, folks, if you didn't know. I literally could not be more proud of how it turned out. we got it done and I'm beyond thankful to have even been involved. |
dropout | what_people_will_believe_about_u_s_history_prank_news_network | Hi, we're here in Los Angeles to prove that Americans know nothing about America and will believe anything Especially if you look like a newswoman and are holding a microphone. Last 4th of July There were several drones that actually collided with fireworks So the government is actually pushing to change celebrations to just throwing red white and blue rice into the sky.
Lame. Lame? Lame. I don't know if I could say it and the microphone B.S. keep the drones at home. Like, rice is lame. Lame. Okay. Totally lame.
The American Council of Health is actually Encouraging Americans to juice their hamburgers and hot dogs. What do you think about that? Definitely. What do you mean juice? To juice them Like juice them in a blender juicer. Oh, at first I was like, I don't know It seems a little hippie dippy, but after trying out some of these things. But you think it's a fair compromise to kind of adhere to healthy traditions? Definitely. I think juicing is bizarre. I definitely think that Probably chewing your food Better is probably better for you.
I don't know if you've heard recently that explorers discovered a new state Do you have any thoughts as to what they should call it? Wait, what state?
There's land between Alaska and Canada and now they are needing a name for it. Nice. Alaska. I mean, it's between Canada and Alaska.
There are many that are asking about the phrase bombs bursting in air be removed from the star-spangled banner Due to violent imagery. No, they're not.
It's part of our history. Look, it happened. Say it up.
I think it would be good to take It out of there. Just sound so negative. God, I guess I would say if it ain't broke don't fix it But you know now that you say it like that I think we've lived a little too long with those horrible images haunting our children. Get rid of them cuz bombs burst on the ground And there should be bombs bursting on the ground Right and not in the air.
If it were to change and you had to replace the lyric, what would you change it to? There's no replacement. If you're not in another country, go somewhere else.
I guess you could change bombs to fireworks. Fireworks bursting in air. What a name for some kooky little firecracker. Black cat's bursting in the sky. So if you had to replace that lyric, what would it be? Bombs bursting on the ground. Oh, okay. Some are proposing that they would change it to sunshine bursting in air. And the rocket's red glare Sunshine bursting in air.
No, that doesn't make sense.
Maybe the bongs bursting in air. What do you think the bongs would represent then? The legalization of marijuana that would probably save our country in terms of commerce and taxes.
Given that George Washington was actually a mythical figure, do you think we should remove him from our currency? Leave the pass speed. In other words, that's just still what George, that's just still working for what it is. George Washington is there. Why remove him now? We have other things Yeah, leave the pass along. That's true. Not the people. I mean, I don't even know who George Washington is anyway. |
dropout | the_best_beard_drawfee | Welcome to the Drawfee show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Welcome. Welcome friends today We have a very special suggestion But they're all special honestly. This one is from Danny Hannah from our channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee Oh, what a good channel.
That's a great channel. My fave my personal top top ten Top ten. Caldwell's top ten channel boy channels. It's uh, I think it's like I would say it's um, you know number nine right below You know like Steven, Steven Dregs Minecraft Follies is a great one. Oh my god. Love that.
Yeah, corkscrew Pete's Minecraft embarrassments and And you know makeup tutorial by smarg Just a couple just to name a few my Minecraft makeup tutorial exactly Yeah, you know how to how to get that how to get that smoky creeper look that you've been they've been trying to perfect So we are drawing the best beard the best suggested by Danny Hannah Danny Hannah wants us to draw the best beard Now Nathan, you're I'm a bit of a beard Have her beard enthusiasts you you you've been known to equip a beard I've been known to have beards from time to time. Here's a fun. Here's a fun fact about beards was that? You know, sometimes people come up to me. They're like hey Nathan See you're working on that beard there. You're nice. You just grown grown that beard out and I do see you at least once a day that just Secret mm-hmm. That just happens. Yeah, if you don't shave, uh-huh Hair will just grow it is like on your face. Mm-hmm.
It's like a really It's like a pet that you don't have to feed. Yeah, I mean you can feed it and that adds that adds seasoning Like what you feed it like I you give a little olive oil for like, you know, give it a little shine a little luster Yes, I would recommend that always and then always oil your beard and you do actually put seeds in it to attract birds Yes, and squirrels if birds nest in your beard. Yeah, I've reached an excellent level You know what? Let's just let's just put a little bird in there A little bird's nest a little but I'll get a little Bob Rossiana have some happy birds in there So I have some happy. I like this a lot.
Um, what's the what's the coolest thing that's ever lived in your beard? me You guys really deep man you get your beard you get your beard nice and bushy Uh-huh, and then you just sort of nestle in they build yourself like a a face-based sleeping bag Yes, cuz like where's Nathan today? And then I just I sort of emerge from the beard Oh, I you know, I wasn't I was I was worried that Nathan wasn't not here I was not worried. However about this giant pile of hair that is in Nathan's chair I was not worried about that in the slightest, but Nathan's absence was troubling me deeply All right, I've either had like like a vole or I got like a mink in there, you know Those are a couple of my goals.
I have a voice of all girls. I got a vole goal Team and I have all goals but they're like more, you know To have like a vole like living in my house like, you know, basically having like a parallel storyline to my life Oh sure, you know I'm saying like if I'm like I'm coming with a big promotion Like the vole was up for like a big promotion like a big vole promotion. Yeah. Yeah, you know and That vole itself has all goals.
All right, so I've sort of started this beard Yeah, but you know, I'm just sort of letting it Letting it branch. I see got some like some lip lip here This is a bit back in here, you know, you want you want to have the nice beard stash combo Yes, you can get some of that. You don't want you do not want that Abraham Lincoln stashless beard, which I will say is the type of beard that I grow. It's really awful It's like I get a great thick You just don't under the under donut. Uh-huh. I mean that's a look Don't let anyone beard shame you dude, you know, I do shame all beards All beards are beautiful in their own way. Hey, let me just the little even even neck beards little piece of advice Don't let anyone shame you except yourself And you should you should heavily shame yourself. Like just be constantly aware of your feelings I think that's like a cool tip for for the for the 25th Yep, and you know if you ever want to be more aware of your feelings, yeah, make a YouTube show Yeah, and people will tell you just like make content from the internet and people will point them out All right, let me get a little I just want to think about these get shit get that under shadow I just felt like this guy was could be more sagacious Sure, uh-huh. I mean always. Yeah, that's the first step for having a good beard Like be already be kind of wise it is gonna up your sagas and and learn and learn it Lervish learned learned learned. There's so many there's so many positive words that we do not use You know to compliment people in our society and now sure This is actually I'm gonna like curve it under okay It's actually like His beard has become so powerful.
Yeah, that is mandibles Yeah, he's got like some big like That's useful for like Like eating pistachios. Yeah, I'm like pistachios or like a human head, right? Human heads are like are like pistachios for cannibals It's true They're easy to crack.
They're you know, and there's some green stuff in there. I'll bet there's some green stuff in there And a lot of protein.
Yeah, yeah, make a good we make a good ice cream You know, they haven't done any ad campaigns for human heads and featuring featuring sigh ever sigh How can I forget sigh? I mean, it's 2015 sigh has has yet to make an internet sensation album for for this I mean some album help as you I'm not an album. I can't I can't hit on sigh man Don't don't make me do that. Don't make me hate on Korean sensation sigh. I'm not hating on sigh.
I'm waiting on sigh That's true to you know to blow it up to blow it up big time in 2015 Yeah, I mean I think he's gonna have like a hit where he talks about like well The thing about like k-pop songs is they're always like they have very strange themes like that one was about why it wasn't There was a more of a k k-pop and hip than hip hop. That's what I said. It's like hip hop But anyway, I think it'll be I just misheard you it'll be a song about like trying to buy a bicycle Reasonable price beards in my ears. Yeah, it's the songs are always like they have like weird like economic Perspective baked into them, which I like that's good. You know in this in this economy Yeah, I guess song motherfucking gentleman is it's about You know the president the presidential race The not not the Korean one ours.
Oh It's about Al Gore. It's a Can I look he wrote it when Al Gore was running?
Yeah, and then but it didn't really get traction until more recently I'm gonna just add some so this is a cool thing Yeah, you will happen in your beard if you let it if you let it grow for long enough is it will grow eyes Right. Mm-hmm the the beard is is a A symbiotic relationship. Yeah with humans a lot of people try and try and shave it You know for for appearances to appear clean and an agent avoid of parasites and you know desirable to employable But you know if you just if you just let that sucker grow yeah, you you might make a friend well It's like yeah, you know, it's like how?
Like our our lifespan is Our evolutionary capability is limited by our lifespan, right? You know, like if we you know live for like 400 years, who knows what would happen? Maybe we would like, you know Well, we get super old, but you'd also like me.
Yeah, we didn't grow a tail or something Right. That's that's the real. Yeah, you might that's the real science Take that you the bank put it in a safety deposit box right around right around like 300. Yeah Tail just starts. Oh dang. Oh, oh, no, no, no my grant Call my great grands cuz I got a tail now.
I got a buff. I got a buff this down All right.
Do you want to do want to like maybe hop back in here and Finish this bad boy off. Sure. I'm gonna give him some I'm gonna notice. I'm gonna like call you out I'm gonna put you on blast work real quick.
You didn't draw any pukes.
Well, I knew you would that's true I do. I'm a I'm a big man. I just wanted to get right into the beard there You know cuz I'm I always got to get that that pubes goop. That's kind of like my my deal That's my thing.
All right, why don't you what you got back in and yeah, let's see what you can do here I like to think that the bird is sustaining the beard. The bird is is just like a cool Fun bonus. It's so small. It will get it's the smallest bird or maybe it's just a giant head Um This is like so I like I like accidentally drew some sort of weird like Lorax like monster He's got like it looks like it's in pain. I don't think it's happy. I think that it like Desperately wishes to escape All right.
Okay, that's a hand there Hold on Yeah You're gonna try and do a little more Accurate of a hand. No Certainly, I'm just gonna hear it. Here you go. Okay. Oh Z Is he feeding it? I?
Should just wait. I should be patient. You should be patient called. Well patience is a virtue.
What do you think that that beard? Sounds like when it talks can it talk? Yeah, it probably sounds like I Like to think that it sounds a little more a little more polite like hi. Hello.
Oh Okay, oh who's speaking to me I'm Matthew's beard You might know me as the thing growing on Matthew's face Could you get that bird for me? That bird is slightly out of my reach as I have no arms. I Will grow them eventually Evolution is a tricky thing I eat the food that falls out of Matthew's mouth And then I cook them up cook it up cook it up. I control his brain now See I won't like a really weird version of rat tattoo Yeah, that's that's sort of what I'm going for. It's like it's like a ratatouille Yeah, sort of thing except the beard has these are these are like beard arms.
Oh Okay. Oh great.
Yes Like his real arms are just like have like atrophy at all sure Oh, so like yeah, I like the thing Yeah, you can't really see it but in the background like this guy's got like really weak arms and like really weak legs this I feel like Eventually, he will become a hundred percent beard Which is the goal of humanity? I think it's the only way we'll survive but I like to think this beard is like Real like real gourmet.
Do you think that this like just like loves love seasoning? Yeah, loves and loves cooking food. I am pep. So it's it's it's like a seasoning salt mix It's like he's made his own blend of seasonings and he's making some fajitas You know Matthew is deathly allergic to cumin, but I simply don't care What's the beard's name the beard?
Aldous That's a great beard name, man. What's your beard's name? My beard's name Well, I have to rename it because I do shave from time to time It's like a rebirth every every new beard is it is a sometimes, you know, they'll be like the second or the third Okay, so it sort of like Kings. What do you would which beard did you most recently send to the grave? Can I name it? Can I name your new beard you can name the one after this one the one after this what's a current ones name Then this is Humphrey Humphrey.
Okay, that's good. That's a good name.
Thank you I feel like the next one should be Swarth Ooh, just call it Swarth. I like Swarth. Yeah, or like Swarth master So like yeah, maybe just say yeah Swarthie Pete maybe I Thought maybe that's a little too little too on the nose, but like a beard is on your nose a little bit Yes, I think a beard a beard name should be on the nose. Okay, so Swarthie Pete. I think it's what we're gonna go with And it's like you if you spelled it out it'd be spelled out like, you know, Swarth e Pete Yes, which is also the name of my truck like Chuck E cheese. Yeah, it's the name of my failed Chuck E cheese competitor Swarthie Pete, you know, it's never too late.
You know, it's not it's not a failure yet home of the hairy pizza Can I add in like one There's some onions there's I mean he's making some fajitas. Oh, yeah, he's got some peps He's got some onions. He's he's seasoning it with his special blend.
Yeah That's that's one thing is like I I always need to shave my beard when it starts getting in the way Yeah of being able to eat soup That's what it's you're denying your beard. This is the beard that you could have man. You could you could have a dream beard Well, I I've never let it get this big behind I hope someday my beard will cook delicious fajitas for me while your limbs slowly die Yeah, that's the goal. That's the dream goal is to have autonomous hair limbs. Yeah, I'm just gonna add like some like If you don't mind, I just want to make this like even more apparent that he is like really entire straights down here Oh, yeah, it's like really skinny He's real skinny because like the first thing that the beard really eats the majority of the fajita Yeah for itself and then you get sort of the scraps Yeah, and the first thing the beard is gonna eat is your clothes.
He's like he's full naked down there, right? He's fully nakes.
All right, I think I think we can put a little lid on this one.
I mean, that's a beard. Yeah Hey, hey, that's a beard. Hey, that's a beard when your beard starts getting eyes, you know, what I that's pretty cool Two eyes. That's that's great.
Three eyes.
Oh, man. Now I can see the future And the future is good Well guys that's been our show. Please subscribe to our channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee for more vids like this Puts your suggestions in the comments. Sometimes we take them here. Sometimes we take them from our channel depends on what we got And how we're feeling how we're feeling I go hope you guys have a great week and a great new year a great new year and we are very very sorry Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Thank you guys for watching our video If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching.
We're sorry beard. Yeah Hey, hey, that's a beard. That's a beard when your beard starts getting eyes, you know, what I that's pretty cool Two eyes.
That's that's great. Three eyes. Oh, man. Now I can see the future And the future is good.
Well guys that's been our show Um, please subscribe to our channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee for more vids like this Puts your suggestions in the comments. Sometimes we take them here. Sometimes we take them from our channel depends on what we got And how we're feeling how we're feeling I go. Hope you guys have a great week and a great new year a great new year And we are very very sorry Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan Thank you guys for watching our video if you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching. We're sorry |
CrackerMilk | meet_tom_s_new_hot_gf | Hey guys, welcome back to the gregmull podcast. I'm eating zoopa-doopa Fuck you in Australia.
Oh What's the magic with your fucking mouth? Oh, what's the mouth core to that ice? What's the magic? Well, I'm not gonna respond until you chew that ice block. Whoa What's the magic?
Wow, that's better. I just want a GF a Hot GF hot sexy girlfriend. I just want like a really cool GF Yeah, you know what?
I mean? Because like it's just been hard on my own because like I'm on my own, you know and like like people know my name and they say my name, but they just don't know like my Your story I Just wish I could find love, you know, and like maybe slippa-didge in Welcome number. Oh, yeah, I get their phone number. That's what that is. What do you mean by slippa-didge? So say I cheeks are walking towards me. Yeah, and are I mean a banana peel a banana unreal My banana I tossed the peel in front of me and then I decide to play walkie-talkie That's dangerous. Yeah with my fingers So I've got my fingers and I'm walking them on the pavement and what happens I said to my banana peel My fingers are going up Digit you're right you're describing sexual assault and that's no joke Hey anyway, let's go on a dating show. Yeah, no worries.
It looks like you're the host. Hey, hey guys Welcome to tonight's did you do the dating show? We have that contestants here.
Mr. John's no, no, no, no, no Quick clarification, I'm Johnson Sorry, John's no, no, no new new new new John Smith from Game of Thrones from Game of Thrones the classic TV show I just to clarify. I haven't seen Game of Thrones Yeah, but I am Johnson He doesn't know anything Dragons, that's it. That's a reference. No, Jon Snow. Just Johnson. No, just no, I'm Johnson. No, it's Jon Snow Don't I'm Johnson. Are you talking about John the Game of Thrones character? I'm Johnson the game of thrones Yeah, Johnson. Have you seen Game of Thrones?
Yeah, it's John minute. And who do we have over in this corner? Connie wonnie Connie wonnie Now this is how this game is gonna work, okay, we're gonna get you to sit in front of each other We're gonna talk about your deepest darkest desire.
Okay. Yes, John. I have to go to the bathroom Yeah, well, you should have gone before you came on this. I didn't have to that's okay. I do that's okay John So we're gonna cut to a quick commercial break, but we'll be right back. Okay. I've already done it and We're back welcome back. All right, sir. I pissed my pants. I'm John.
So Connie wonnie. What's your deepest darkest desire? Oh Sometimes I go to 7-eleven when I'm filling up my car full of petroleum And I see the price and even though it's really expensive I still get or at least want to get a 24 pack of Krispy Kreme original glaze and want to eat them within a period of about 90 minutes during one whole sitting at Game of Thrones at Connors house during season 8 Yeah, I mean I ate 24 Original Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts in real life. That's one of my deepest darkest desires It's like you're describing something that actually happened last year. No at the old house Mmm, and how do you feel about this Johnson? Oh, well, that reminds me of my favorite beverage from the Game of Thrones universe butter beer Oh, of course Butter beer I go down to the pub often the ye olde pub and drink butter beer with my with my kingdom nah He's way off man, no, that's the show Game of Thrones Really fits his character though. So I'm Johnson and my deepest desire is that as a special girl Here we go, we're getting deep now guys special girl and and she smells good And I really want to take her on a date.
Who is it? It's my sister Oh Yeah, well Game of Thrones is like incest so I Yeah, I know your sis, you know Janet I'll get her in so excited to see my Yeah, when they get tickle so excited to meet my sister see my sister I've met her You've made definitely made but unless you were unless you guys were like removed from it. No, we've been together for Since I've been born as you have I know my parents and family very well.
Okay, that's good. That's good I think I have a dog. All right.
Well, I want to date my sister. Thankfully your sister's right here Janet Janet No, she's Janet snow. I'm John right? Okay. Yeah, I'm Janice. It's me John's your brother Janet. Please touch me again I'm John's new your brother.
This room is very sweaty. My hand is very Grabbed it. It was moist. It's wet. There's probably I'm a clam clam hand man.
Why did you get him out of the asylum? That's all we what's an asylum? You mean the cave where the dragons are?
They just show him that Yes, I problem I Just know some people have some issues with white walk girl. Oh this guy what the fuck does that mean? Killer this xenophobe. Yeah, what the fuck doesn't like what sorry our uncle's No, I didn't say I don't like white walk cuz I actually love white walk is more than any I can't realize Excuse me.
I'm Johnson and I'm gonna have to cancel you Elias. Sorry. I'm the host. Where's my name?
We're in Game of Thrones We're gonna put you on a throne trial. You're gonna pay for your crimes of Grindelwald Yeah, we're gonna be doing a duo lawyer defense team here, okay I'm a bad lawyer. Oh, yeah, that means I'm gonna defend you like shit You know when like Dumbledore's like no, no double doors and Harry Potter you dumb fuckhead This is why we're canceling you because you don't know the worlds that you're in Yeah, we have butter beer here. No, you don't. Yeah, we have Westworld here I west was wearing Game of Thrones land where there's dragons and wolves and white walkers and you're mean to the white walkers And I'm John Smith and my dad is a cop And what was that last bit what Dude, I'm telling you right now. You fucking this is not Game of Thrones. You don't know you haven't seen game Yeah, I think you've seen the ad and maybe a couple of videos on the internet. We told me last week Who's Joffrey? I'm a big mean kid That's what he said to me So I think the thing we need to get away from this is that Elias is a racist You hate white walkers You're meant to be helping me White walkers our friend Trust me dude I'm a bad lawyer Elias is a racist Hashtag Elias is a racist Hashtag Elias is a racist I'm the host I'm the good lawyer and I say he is a racist but it's cause he's mentally disturbed Put him away Jug Elias you're going to the pig pen where we put our jail people That's not in Game of Thrones Thanks for watching Oh fuck me All of our patrons are white walkers Thank you for watching Hey you can watch more fuck shit like this on our Patreon we've got extended versions Also we have a poll where you can vote for a monthly podcast just for you And we are on Spotify Wow Guilty Guilty Guilty |
TheOnion | Poll_Bullshit_Is_Most_Important_Issue_For_2008_Voters | As the 2008 presidential race heats up, a new survey finds that again this year, the number one issue among voters is bullshit. And joining us now to discuss the survey is the director of political polling at the Shuttleworth Research Center, Kip O'Leary. Mr. O'Leary, now we all know that bullshit is the deciding factor in most elections and this poll says that this election will be no different. That's right. When it comes to electing the leader of the free world, voters look to issues like a candidate's relationship with their ex-wife.
Did they ever smoke? Where did they vacation? What's their exercise regimen?
These are the kind of core bullshit issues that people really care about. Now in the past, whether the candidates are photogenic has been of key importance to voters who care about bullshit. Is that still the case today? Oh yeah, yes. And also what a candidate wears at public appearances is very crucial to the bullshit-conscious voter. You mean like where a candidate, for instance, wears a hard hat at a factory and talks about the local union or let's say we see someone wearing blue jeans in a rural area? Yes, that's the kind of local crowd pandering bullshit that people are very passionate about. Now according to your research, what will be the top bullshit issues for 2008? There's so many out there, it's really too early to call. But thanks to the internet, there's literally thousands of websites full of bullshit on virtually every candidate. So voters can log on to discuss that bullshit with other people who share an interest in the same kinds of bullshit. I agree with you on that. I've even noticed that there's an incredible amount of bullshit being discussed on our news blog as well. Mr. O'Leary, how can we in the news media do a better job of focusing on bullshit and really hounding candidates on these petty issues?
The fact is you've been doing a great job as it is. If it wasn't for the media, there'd be a lot less bullshit in these elections. Well thanks so much. Before we go, do you care to make a prediction for November 2008? Who's the top bullshitter so far in this election? Difficult to say. No one party has a monopoly on bullshit. I've always been a big fan of Hillary. She's so full of bullshit. I think not just talking bullshit but actually living the bullshit. That's the earmark of a true candidate and of a winner. Well, thanks so much and we will be right back after this small break. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_car_house | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a pretty quiet mama driving me around a patch. Ow! I said no tea! She's my precious Plum. Today Plum competes to be a little bit six to eight means 20 to life in a slowly deflating moon bounce at a fair that's just ended.
But that dark tomato doesn't turn everything into sticks. Our house of sticks, our neighbor's house of sticks, my stick collection is no where's. But when God closes one door, He opens up door number two.
A new car! This car doesn't appear to be like magic, and it's ours now too because we know who else it is. Well, Emilio Hernandez, but who the fuck is she?
Welcome home! This here's the kitchen. You got your pots, your pans, your knives, under the seat is cereal, all this yogurt. And check this out. Ta-da! Dinner is served. Two night specials. We have a Kit Kat on kicks and a milk sauce.
We got a TV in the living room and a TV in the bedroom because well Plum wants to watch Blade, and I want to watch Blade too. Not Blade too, but same Blade, but a different part.
This here's the garden. Fuck a bag. I know y'all thinking, where's the bathroom? The answer? That well right over there.
My precious Plum, we're going to be late. Let's go.
But mama, I want to take the house. Well, we can't take the house. The house is a house. It's quite awesome. Hey, you get your driver's license, you take your house, wherever you want. Until then, you're one of my son's rules, it's my rules.
Please please please please please please please. Fuck it. Yuck.
Plum, why? Plum, can you please turn down the blade?
I can't hear myself think. My mind is the best part.
All right, whoa, what did I tell you about Ian in the bedroom? Fine, I'll set the table. Oh, shit!
Yeah, we got into a real bad accident. I do not know what I was thinking. I should not have turned that car out. I was into a car. But it's time to move on and move in to our very own brand new... Upset our cars!
We got a rope there! Can I keep you off the platform? |
TheOnion | Judge_Rules_White_Girl_Will_Be_Tried_As_Black_Adult | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. We begin tonight with an update on a story we've been following all week.
Hannah Stevenson, the 16-year-old girl from Detroit, accused of stabbing a classmate to death with a screwdriver last month. At her arraignment this afternoon, Hannah received the harshest possible sentencing from the judge. She will be tried as a black adult. Due to the extreme and violent nature of this crime, this court finds it fitting to try the defendant as an African-American. Henceforth, you will be referred to for the jury by the name Bondell Brown. Once the trial begins next week, all courtroom images of Hannah will depict her as a 300-pound muscular black man, and jury members will be instructed to imagine her as such. We're going to do our best to make sure that Hannah is treated with the sympathy and sensitivity that she, as a photogenic white girl, deserves. This is America. Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man. Now that Hannah has been ruled black, the court has instructed local media to assume she's guilty, and the police have retroactively charged her with assaulting her arresting officer. Hannah's two dozen character witnesses have been replaced by a single crack addict who goes by the name of Skaggs. Hannah's parents are, of course, planning to appeal the ruling, saying that their daughter should at most be tried as a black celebrity, or a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
Every time I hear a story like that, it makes me so glad I'm exempt from the legal system. When you follow Fact Zone's Brooke Alvarez, you're following the news anchor with more stalkers than any other major network on-screen personality. If you're watching Brooke Alvarez, you're not alone. Fact Zone, on the Onion News Network. |
TheOnion | Netflix_Checks_If_Area_Man_Okay_After_Watching_Sons_Of_Anarchy_Season_In_Single_Sitting | Sources at the video streaming service Netflix reported today that they had sent local man Shane Fowler a personal message earlier just checking to see if everything was okay after the 31-year-old watched an entire season of the FX program Sons of Anarchy in a single viewing session. Well, we happened to notice that Shane had been sitting in front of his laptop and had burned through all 13 episodes of the first season of Sons of Anarchy, so we thought maybe we could send him a note and just sort of make sure he was doing alright or if he needed someone to talk to or something. Netflix says the message, which Fowler received minutes after he finished viewing the season one finale of the Motorcycle Gang drama, was just a way for the company to see if there was anything they could do for their long-time subscriber.
I mean, we do this stuff all the time. Just last year, Mike Ralston from Bartlesville, Oklahoma watched all four seasons of the Tudors after his wife left him. We were there for him. We just like to check in on our customers from time to time. Jesus Christ. It looks like Shane's already five episodes into season two. Hey guys, can we just get someone over there? For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
programmersarealsohuman | day_in_the_life_of_hr | Monday morning, while everyone's still full of concentration. Perfect time for an HR mail. Hi everyone, in the presence of current events it was decided that everyone is required to stop remote work from the 26th. No exceptions granted. Thank you, your HR team.
Send. Oh, I forgot to say it's the 26th of March. Okay, let me add another round mail. This is another round mail regarding the dates. Oh, actually it's the 27th. Okay, let me fix that. In another round mail.
Attention everyone. Ah, so many calls. I first need a Monday morning break. Yes, Mr. Jared, I found your email asking for the correct dates. I'm sorry I couldn't reply earlier because I have a stack full of mails to work through asking the same exact question because seemingly people can't read. Yes, of course it's March. Why would we send a scare mail on a Monday morning? Yes, of course you are exempt from this as you are in a different... This job is so stressful. Let me put you on hold for a second. I wish people had a little empathy for how our job is. Alright, end of the day. |
TheOnion | Prevent_Identity_Theft_By_Changing_Identity_Every_Three_Years | Folks, what are you doing? You're putting your name, address, credit card number, social security number, all that, you're just chucking it right up onto the internet where any disgusting degenerate can grab it? Listen to Shelby. The only way to make sure that your identity is never stolen is to change it every three years. That's what I do.
Two years ago, I was Ellen Foxcroft, attorney at law. Three years before that, I was Kim Franks, a unit commander in the Navy Seals. Three years before that, I was Trish Homingwood, patient at the Austin State Psychiatric Hospital. And three years before that, I was Regina Dupree, lead singer of the soul group Derriere.
And you know what? None of my identities has ever been stolen. So to make sure that your personal information stays safe, you gotta follow some simple steps. First, you're gonna need new pieces of identification. But don't worry, old Shelby knows a guy up in Detroit can fix these up pronto real cheap. Next, you're gonna have to fake your own death. But all that takes is a mold of your teeth, a corpse, and a $500 used car for setting on fire. And lastly, you gotta be ready to switch identities at a moment's notice, even if it's just temporary. And that's why I have all my clothes sewn together so both sides look like the front, and I wear a mask on the back of my head.
Hello, my name is Jonah Crowsby. I'm from London, England, and my very special talents include ventriloquism and throwing my voice. If you don't have a dorsal identity, then you are just plain foolish people. Thanks for that, Shelby. And you know, since it's Sex in America week, I think I might as well tell everyone that those dorsal identities can really spice things up in the bedroom. |
cracked | 4_weird_superhero_tropes_movies_won_t_stop_recycling_yboc_dceu_mcu | Oh, Jordan has diarrhea in any way. This episode of Your Brain Uncracked is the perfect job for the incredible spider professor, Angry Hands Hammerman. And anyway, this is the only show on crack that heroically steers away from its stated premise whenever quarantine starts to get to Jordan.
I mean, me. Oh my God, my hands are no longer angry. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Well anyway, since superheroes are always on the backside of justice, I will very legally diagnose.
Once society collapses in the future, which probably like six weeks from now, the only trusted currency will be physical copies of superhero films because it's the only resource we can assume will remain endless. The original Iron Man Blu-ray Steelbook will be able to be traded for a whole chicken while a DVD of Suicide Squad will just get you shot right in the penis. That's why I've been stockpiling and watching every film I can get my huge angry hands on and I'm noticing several strange, constantly recurring similarities in this endless deluge of tightly spandexed crotch-ploitation films.
The first movie in any super franchise is basically charged with laying the groundwork. We see our piece of shit protagonists go from being some kind of dweeb to heroically spraying sticky residue all over muscular men. It's a tale as old as time. I'll hold still. But by the second movie, they're already well-endowed with their powers, meaning the hero either needs to face a villain even bigger and with extra arms than the last movie and or the hero themselves need to become weaker with like fewer arms. But at least once the superhero films generation, they'll add an extra layer of super spice to the hero's weakness phase by making them super sexually confused. What I'm trying to say is that nothing destroys superpowers like Cornelius.
Why is this happening to me? The most recent examples in Wonder Woman 1984 where Diana literally trades her powers for a chance to tear off her long-dead boyfriend's fanny pack and take him to the fictional, unitary, sovereign city-state, archeapologic island nation of sex with some hot mascara. Wow, wow, permission to die. Ignore, please, that technically she's pleasuring herself with a body of some random dude that her boyfriend is mentally hijacked. I mean, thankfully love means not having to question whose mustache you're currently riding.
Yeah, you know what you mean. Eventually, she correctly determines that trying to have sex in a world obliterated by nuclear holocaust would be a major boner-wilter. So she taps down her horniness, becomes a bachelorette again and saves the world by electrocuting a cat. It is not a great film. You know what you mean.
But before that, we got 2004 Spider-Man 2 where Peter Parker's unrequited lust for Mary Jane results in blue spider balls, which cloud his spider brain and cause him to lose his powers for a good chunk of the movie. His powers only arouse once Mary Jane desperately needs him. And even then, he only seems to maintain his stiff and spidey senses because Mary Jane leaves her new boo at the altar for a lifetime of high tensile strength spider loving. But even that is predated by 1980's Superman 2 where Superman voluntarily surrenders in superpowers so he can plow Lois Lane without always finishing faster than a speeding bullet.
I don't know why I did that. Maybe you wanted to. I don't think I did.
And I guess to make sure I cover a sequel from basically every super era, 1995's Batman Forever, that picks Batman not losing his powers to hornyness per se because he doesn't have powers. But he is shot and severely injured primarily because the world's greatest detective was more focused on cracking the case of where Chase Meridian's G-spot was located than hunting down Two-Face and the Riddler.
Whoa! Maybe someday we'll find a way to write emotional stakes for superheroes more advanced than how could this alien Godman juggle both saving the world and getting some strength? Find out! Summer 2022! I'm so excited! But until then, I'm just super pumped for Aquaman 2 when Jason Momoa forgets how to swim after noticing a seductive sperm whale resting gently on the far side of a coral reef. Oh man. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
As of this moment, there are still only really two major female superhero movie stars, Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel. I mean, yes, Scarlet Witch can obliterate civilians with magic and Gamora is green. Exactly! But neither have a blockbuster film with her name in the title and also spoiler, Black Widow's type behind is dead. So unless they bring her back as an undead kung fu expert, which I admit would whip all the ass, her franchise probably isn't going anywhere beyond the one movie.
It's a great one then argument. Please, hold off from congratulating me in the comments. Let's instead spend this time focusing on how those characters are introduced. Shall we play a game? It's from a movie that might pop.
Wonder Woman first appears in the beloved 100% Rotten Tomatoes rated film, Batman v Superman, Dawn of Autumn. After some wasted time stealing information, she apparently can't even hack because of, I don't know, her womanly brain or her delicate fingers or something. Miss Woman finally dons the traditional Amazonian sex armor of her people in Battle of Doomsday alongside the sons of Martha. Cue squealy electric cello, baby. A couple minutes into the fight, Wonder Woman gets falcon plunged across the battlefield and comes to a stop just long enough for the camera to pan around and reveal a come hither smile.
It's an unusual choice. But then again, Zack Snyder is an unusual choice to direct a film you want people to actually enjoy.
Take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea. Mm-hmm. I'm not gonna drink it.
Captain Marvel from the Marvel movie, Captain Marvel does almost the exact same thing. We're introduced to her fighting abilities in a tense, sweaty sparring session with her good friend, Jude Law. Law knocks Marvel to the ground, pissing her right off, and she considers super fisting what's left of Law's hairline, but instead, she reconsiders and smiles like, oh, I don't like it when you say things that are mean and seriously hit me, Jude.
That was not my fault. We were specifically told to bring the heat. She was very hot.
Also, the Mandalorian's Carrot Dune isn't technically a superhero, unless being on whatever Star Wars parlor equivalent is makes you a superhero, but she loves getting whooped in the face just as much as any other tough lady. And look, I know badass women aren't the first characters in movies to smile while getting beat up, but usually it's like unhinged villains, like Joker and the Dark Knight, or Joker and Joker, or Joker and my nightmares. Honk, honk, honk! Occasionally male heroes smile mid-fight, but not as an introduction. They're established stone-cold badasses, no smiling until they're at the end of the rope and we need assurance, or until their balls are at the end of the other rope. Now the whole world's gonna know that you're done scratching my balls. For female superheroes, though, it's like the directors say, look, we all know that dudes are tough. Well, ladies, they fall apart whenever they break a nail, am I right?
But wait, this movie is special and this lady is totally cool with punches. Don't worry that she's about to get pounded by a million dudes for your pleasure. In fact, you're welcome. Just remember, twinkle fist, you think with your head, not your hands.
When most film genres start out, they're like kids entering the first grade. They're a little unsteady, a little unsure of themselves, but ultimately they're brimming with hope and optimism. Think about the sheer joy of early musicals or early Western's relentless celebration of can-do frontier spirit, unapologetic racism. It is my privilege to extend a laurel and hardy handshake to our new. But like children, film genres age and grow more world-weary and cynical. Later musicals beginning somewhere around cabaret became much darker and more grounded. Even ostensibly happy sing-alongs like La La Land can help but be tinged with sadness. And also Westerns, for their part, now have cannibals in them, I guess.
Still kinda racist, though. They don't need Negroes.
Do they think they're poisonous? Superhero films are sort of stuck between the two in their angsty high school phase. They can't quite decide if they're supposed to be serious adults yet or if they're content just making poop jokes with their friends. Am I a superhero movie? ["Superhero Movie"] Anyway, one of the ways modern superhero films angst manifests is in plot lines focused around psych boards. Presumably in the real world there are useful functional psychiatric hospitals, but in movies they always come across as some 13-year-old's idea of the scariest, most emo thing they can think of, like, ugh, the people in there might be unpredictable. Kinda like me, a dangerous teenager. I mean, maybe superheroes are actually crazy because they're so different from everybody else. I mean, they wear such tight pants, like, yeah, just like me. I mean, if superheroes were real and normal, people mistakenly believe they were nuts just like my parents think I'm crazy just because I love to do the jank-um.
Fuck your old. It's these almost, not quite profound questions that guide films like New Mutants or Glass or Joker or that one episode of The Boys where a dude gets strangled by a massive semi-autonomous dick, which sort of dilutes any hard-hitting points trying to be made that way. Don't be so close-minded. There's probably something to the idea of a society that locks away those that are exceptional, but at the same time, they really should be careful with guys sporting murderous monster hogs or kids who accidentally set people on fire or guys with multiple personalities, one of which is one that eats people. I'm sorry. These stories are almost on the verge of saying something resonant about the way that we treat people who are different, but realistically, they're more likely harbingers of the serious, weighty, late-genre films that are probably still a few years away. I mean, of course, excluding Batman v. Superman because that shit was a dude.
Kill. John Cena! What does that mean? Why'd you say that name?
If a movie or TV show inexplicably includes a lady with superpowers, as if there's a near 100% chance that somewhere in the film also lurks a female villain. In fact, if the female hero in question isn't the main character, you better believe that she's gonna be tasked with taking out the bad lady while all the dudes duke it out somewhere else. For example, despite having virtually the entire team ready and able to fight in Guardians of the Galaxy, Gamora duels Nebula one-on-one in his sister spat for the ages while the men and the male flora slash fauna head off to guard the galaxy.
I'm hungry. Can we say that you are a brute? No, it's not right yet. In Infinity War, Scarlet Witch squares off with proximal midnights alluring feminine horns while Vision shoots head lasers at the boy alien. Aliens wind up implanting eggs in my chest or something and I eat one of you, I'm sorry.
I do not want another single pop culture reference. There's no scene where they flip a coin to see who fights who. They just go into the fight knowing that segregating the sexes during battle is the only way to get Disney's approval.
In The Incredibles 2, Elastigirl gets the spotlight in it. In the least shocking twist of all time, the secret villain turns out to possess incredible two boobs. Spectacular. Hell, even the most progressive superhero film of all time, Mean Girls, has Lindsay Lohan algebra duel the only other girl in the opposing math team blowing past, a perfect opportunity for Lohan to come off as smarter or better than one of the men, but instead, she gets pitted against some chick who only looks like a man because early 2000s humor, baby.
The limit does not exist. Think about it this way.
How many evil women were there in Batman Begins and in The Dark Knight? Yes, Silly Murphy and Heath Ledger are both very pretty men, and I wish Liam Neeson was my mom, but the answer is still none. But then The Dark Knight rises at a Catwoman and boom.
All of a sudden, we get Talia to ensure that as Yoda once said, across the light and dark, an equal balance of breasts there must be. Yes. If a female hero is the main character, so again, most of the time, still basically just Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, they may ultimately still get to super punch evil dudes right in their Adam's apples, but there will still absolutely be some sort of nefarious lady that must also be overcome. Captain Marvel has the Supreme Intelligence, originally portrayed as a dude computer, but changed for this movie to match the established tropes, while Wonder Woman has that evil scientist chick in the first movie and the target lady in the second. Pull your pants if I can see your forest. Now, you'd think that the female villain would be the main villain, but producers are evidently still worried that nobody could be scared of a lady, so female villains will always be second fiddle to the true manly big man. It's metaphorical!
Well, Jordan has diarrhea. |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_fisher_saturday_night_live | And here with us now, just released from prison, the Long Island Lolita herself, Amy Fisher. Colin, Wow, it is so great to be out. I mean, you don't know how good it feels to finally put on my old cutoffs and see through halter top and stroll around the neighborhood like a regular person.
I mean, some of you may know that I have an interest in fashion. So I got this killer idea to open up my own little boutique and sell really, really classy tearaway underwear. I understand fashion is a very competitive business, you know. I'm aware of that, Colin. okay, but I'm very focused and I'm not afraid to ring a few doorbells when I get what I want, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong. You know, Amy, a lot of those little boutiques go under in the first year, just. I have a very positive mental outlook, Colin, okay? I'm so freaking optimistic, it's scary, ding, dong, ding, dong.
Now, Mary Jo Butterfooko helped you get out of jail. have you two become close? Oh, Mary Jo, she's cool, Met's and Met's. I mean, you know, we talk and she's a real class act, But, you know, since she moved to La and now she knows all these new classy people, I figure she needs another friend.
Like she needs a hole in her head. Oh. I mean, I mean another hole in her head.
Now, a lot of people are wondering if there's a new man in your life. Colin, I've been home for 24 hours, Okay? of course there is. See, I got my eye now on this nice Irish Catholic boy. I know where you're going with this, Amy, but I already have a girlfriend. Oh, really? where does she live? Richie. Oh, I just wanna know where she lives.
I went to talk to her. Amy Fisher, Everybody! that's all I wanna talk to her about! Amy Fisher.
Oh. |
CrackerMilk | cursed_crackermilk | Oh, oh, hey goob. How are you mate? Hey audience check this out. Have a look Oh, that's a Tom classic hey, there's corner Are you drinking beers again Connor? Hey Connor, have you seen Elias at all? Holy fuck. What's that? Hello, my friends. Sorry for my absence I have been gone a while. No problem. Elias. Where have you been?
I was on my planet of nose 5 conversing with the other rulers of my land when we were attacked by Aliens, they were violent and the war lasted days. We only just won the war. I'm sorry to hear but Now that I am here and ready to generate comedy based entertainment with you I was thinking back on my planet during the war funny How both my favorite substance to abuse and my favorite skit we have made have both been crack Step on a crack break your mom's back, but I love my mother Step on a crack breaker sex offenders back. Oh my back try and steal that video cunts It seems another distress beacon has been sent off.
I must leave now. Goodbye my friends Bye Elias, fuck you. You don't cut man.
I love working with my friends at cracker mill fucking love bees I but we couldn't do without our lovely patreons like these guys. Oh, I bet that guy can write fucking look He sure can thank you so much for helping guys pretty cool. Fuck. Wow. Thank you so much for donating that motherfucker I always mean fucking mommy Whoa, I bet he fucking likes bees like thanks guys really appreciate he's a fucking look Wow Thanks Awesome. Oh Fucked look how many there are and a special thanks to you. That's right you watching this Yeah, thanks can't really appreciate it done it without you my in fact, here's a little gift a little prezi.
Come here Please give us your fucking money. Please give us your fucking money. Please give us your fucking money This is cracker milk |
cracked | that_time_in_living_color_dragged_snl | In his three years on SNL, Chris Rock didn't get a whole lot of time on the air. In interviews, Chris has gone on to say that he only got the job because in living color was so hot, so SNL needed to hire a black guy. You know, who else noticed that Rock was frequently M.I.I. on SNL? The folks over at In Living Color. A 1992 episode began with a cold open in which Chris Rock, played by Sean Wayans in a set of fake teeth, is hanging out backstage at Studio 8-H only to be hassled by a security guard, played by Jim Carrey, who doesn't recognize that he's a current cast member. But even a tour group doesn't clue in, confusing him with past black cast members Eddie Murphy and Damon Wayans. The sketch feels especially pointed considering that it not only addresses SNL's history of sidelining black performers, but specifically name checks Damon Wayans, who at the time was obviously on In Living Color, but had previously been fired from SNL by Lorne Michaels for improvising during a sketch. And the incident came full circle when Chris Rock eventually did leave SNL for In Living Color in 1993. |
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