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TheOnion | You_re_Right_Host_Changes_Abortion_Stance_After_Realizing_He_Wouldn_t_Have_Show_If_He_Was_Aborted | Okay, I want to move on to my main topic tonight. Abortion. Funding proper access to abortion has been an intense debate across the country, and no more so than in the state of Indiana. That all over women's rights in Indiana is heating up because of ongoing backlash over the abortion bill Governor Mike Pence signed into law last month. So I made a quick trip to Indianapolis, where I got to the bottom of the abortion debate. The extent to which women's health care access is restricted in Indiana is a blatant violation of not just women's rights, but human rights.
You're right, Emma. Andrew, what could you possibly say to that in return? Well, life begins at conception, and taxpayer dollars can never fund the act of ending a life before that life has a chance to begin. What do you mean by that? Well, if your mother had had an abortion, you wouldn't even be sitting here right now. If I might interject You're saying I wouldn't be here right now interviewing you on my show? Yep, that's right.
My eviscerations? Gone. My Peabody's? Gone, too.
No one would know the truth. What Andrew said really got me thinking. He was right. If my mother, Rosamund, had aborted me, I wouldn't be here right now providing voiceover for this provocative segment. No truth bombs. No mic drops. The world wouldn't know Sebastian Moore, the only satirist who has vowed to personally escort the president to jail. And that's a world I don't want to live in. Although the abortion debate is still not settled, I feel like I made a big step today in finally cutting through the partisan bullshit to understand the true ramifications of the issue.
I want to close with this one request for everyone to look at this. We'll be passing out these informational pamphlets to every member of the audience tonight, as well as sending them to every lawmaker in all 50 states. From my beating heart to yours. Good night. You're right. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_202_Que_Minh_Luu | How are you, Errol? I'm all right, mate. It's good to be here.
We fly somewhere east of Alice Springs, seemingly rare these days, but yeah, good to be dry out here and sending our thoughts to the people of Northern Rivers in the southeast corner of our state. Clancy. Yeah, there's a lot going on. Just when we thought we might be able to, you know, chug along and enter 2022 with a bit more peace of mind, we're witnessing horrible scenes over there in Eastern Europe and of course, the floods now down the east coast of Australia, which of course comes straight after two, three years in lockdown.
You know, not much positive came from that. Not a lot of people either really experienced somewhat of a glow up or they consumed more information than they ever thought possible or they learnt how to homeschool children. There are a lot of pros, a lot of cons.
One pro though was the content we saw coming out of Australian television and Australian film, particularly in the streaming. We've seen a renaissance, some would say, in Australian television and today we're joined by someone who is at the forefront of that. One of the most exciting roles in Australia, the director of content for Netflix Australia, Q Min Liu.
Thank you for joining us. Hello. Thanks for having me.
Now, can you explain to me, what's the vibe like in streaming? Australia seems to be a little bit of a engine room at the moment. We're seeing so much stuff coming across, you know, right across the board from, you know, traditional TV into the streamers, both drama and reality. Yep. It's a hotbed of activity and, you know, for Team Netflix, we've really just hit the ground running with the content because our content team has only been operating for 18 months now. We're about to launch our first show, but it's been really great just as a punter and someone in the industry as well. It's been really great to see what Stan's doing, what Amazon's doing and Paramount Plus as well. So we're all trying to keep up with each other, but I think that's a really good bit of news for Australian audiences. One thing you kind of realize, even after the pandemic, when everyone's kind of out and about, is that everyone has time to watch their shows. It doesn't matter how many streamers have set up here, doesn't matter how much local content is being made or how much TV shows you just cannot miss coming out of the States or, you know, elsewhere in the world. Everyone seems to have the time to do it, but what I want to know is how you guys, I mean, I'm not sure how big your team is, but how do you have the time to be on all these projects? Because it's not just, I mean, Byron Bays is out, but it's not just that.
We've got Heartbreak High. We're doing Heartbreak High. We're in post for Heartbreak High.
We've got Wellmania in production, which is with Celeste Barber. We've just announced Boy Swallows Universe as well. We've got Irreverent, which is shooting up in Queensland as well.
There is a lot. I mean, we really rely on the partnerships we have in industry. So we work with production companies who are making the shows for us in the same way that the ABC and the free-to-wear networks would work as well. So we work really closely with creatives and producers to make these shows. But you're right, we have a really, really tiny team. So there's about four of us in content. So, you know, we're just trying to keep those fires burning and moving as quickly but as thoughtfully as we can just to get good stuff out there.
Because as much as there's good stuff out there, everyone seems to run out of things to watch as well. So we've got to feed the beast. I'm interested to know though, as a director of content, how much content you have to consume. Basically, yeah, my life is scripts, books, TV, probably don't read enough books, to be honest. But you're mostly fielding ideas, so people are pitching project ideas to you from scripted to non-scripted of varying, varying types from reality to kind of hugely premium kind of genre ideas and what have you.
So yeah, it's a churn. And part of the sorcery, I guess, is to just be able to pick the ones you think are going to hit. And I guess we'll just wait and see. You kind of just have to suck it and see. That's the strategy.
So what do you look for in scripts, you know, like what is something that really draws you into something that you think that Netflix might like to explore further? People are going to find this really annoying, but it's basically we know what we don't like. But basically how our team works, we really want local stories. We really want shows that are uniquely Australian. And that's sort of the Netflix model when it comes to a more global approach towards content. It's about empowering local markets, local teams to make local content the way they know how. So as Australians, we're experts in the art of being Australian, so we're really given a lot of trust to find shows that mean something to Australian audiences. So for us, it's about what is uniquely Australian, but at the same time, what is kind of familiar enough? So our approach has really been we want people to know what they're getting, and then we want to surprise them. So part of that distinction is how Australian we can be. And I think that's really unique on a service like Netflix, where you haven't necessarily been used to it in the way that we're trying to do it. And we're sort of going with this approach of innovating the familiar. So you take something like Byron Bayes, which is a reality show, it's a docu soap, you know exactly what kind of show it is in terms of the structure of it, the approach, the kind of participants you will have. But the secret sauce for us is like, what is the Australianness in it? But not just what is the Australianness of it, but what is it trying to say? So for us with Byron Bayes, it was like, you know, seeing Byron as we've not seen it before, changing assumptions. And on a bigger level, if you zoom out from it, it's about influencer culture.
What makes people want to share themselves online? What is the drive? What is the wound that makes them want to do it? And how do we see them as people? Because we're all kind of sharing ourselves online, aren't we?
Like they're just this group of people, they're just better at it than we are. They're really good at it. So being able to show that on screen and show them as human and show them as people who have dreams and aspirations and goals and a desire to belong and be accepted by a group. That's something that's really quite universal for all of us.
It just happens to be in this very, very unique Byron clique that is kind of interesting to see as well. So I don't think Byron's kind of been shown like this ever. It's usually used as a kind of beautiful location. And I know it's a very specific image of Byron, but it's also super, super distinctive and very, very us.
So when you watch it, you see these Australian references, you see this Aussie culture on display. It's awesome to us. How do you deal with, there's something also inherently Australian, you go looking for yourself, but it's also inherently Australian to respond negatively when the mirror is just a little too clear. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, what you're saying now is influence the culture of Byron by Byron, as we know, likes to think of themselves, they like to think of themselves as Byron 20 years ago. But also being on the cutting edge of all Australian culture and thought. Meanwhile, you have captured this authentic Byron story, which not a lot of people want to really see shown back at them. So how have you negotiated the backlash that first came about? Yeah, look, honestly, it's about going back to how much we stand by the creative.
And to us, the participants, they are in the community. Some of them have grown up there, been born and bred. Some of them have lived there for a number of years. Some of them are new.
I would say that is pretty accurate to what Byron is like now. You know, sometimes you move to Byron and you're a local after six months. Sometimes you live there for 20 years and you're still not local enough, right? Who decides? The point is that every one of us, whether we live there or not, have some kind of relationship or sense of what Byron Bay means to us.
Like to me, school is in 2004. It wasn't really. I'm just, you know, making a joke.
But it was the image of what Australia was to me. So I get that there is a sense of ownership over it. But what's clear is that it contains multitudes and a whole lot of contradictions. So what we're focused on is a particular group of Byron. And to that particular group, it's super authentic. And I think it's a world that a lot of people will find familiar. And to some other Byron locals, it maybe won't feel as familiar. I don't think, you know, the Real Housewives of Melbourne is representative of all of Melbourne either, right? But I get that sense of ownership because when you have been craving representation for years, you want it to be pristine and perfect, right? But what I feel this show articulates is this complexity beyond what you would assume is complex because you assume that it's all about image and getting likes and follows and shares, but there's more to it than that. And there's so many different layers to that area. You know, we could go back to the Parkway Drive those days when the scene in Byron was straight edge, you know, metal.
Hugely influential band, by the way. Half a million followers on Instagram. Like, they're huge. Yeah, they're massive.
And that was the birth of it in Australia, that scene. You know, you go way back to the draft dodging Vietnam era. These aren't the stories we hear about, Byron. And, you know, there's probably a series in every one of those kind of eras.
Feel free to pitch them. I'll have to put on the credence and write the script of the Vietnam draft dodgers who teamed up with the Whalers and started growing herbs. Chris Hemsworth is building the Westfield there, you know, just for himself.
I mean, I have family in Byron who've been there for like 40 years, you know, and it has gone through so much evolution over time. But, you know, in that evolution, there is a core belief in like healing and spirituality and community as well. And that has evolved over the years and has different iterations, you know, different strokes of different folks. Yeah, different, different and many layers. So for everything that Byron is and was, it'll be good to see your particular perspective or your particular take on what's happening there at this very moment with this group of people.
I kind of want to go back to what you were saying before about finding the Australian-ness, but also the uniqueness, the Heartbreak High is going to be a very interesting one because the original Heartbreak High was probably the first time a lot of Australians saw kind of, you know, Southern European kids, you know, Jurassic. Was that the first kind of Balkan on Australian television?
And perhaps the last. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, outside of the tennis, but that was groundbreaking in itself. Yeah. How do you kind of take that into the 2022, turn of the millennium? Yeah.
Look, the thing that I want to make really clear about Heartbreak High, like when we commissioned it, I made an offer on it very, very quickly. I was four weeks into the job and I was like, Heartbreak High, that's the thing that we have to do.
And the reason for that was because it was this huge cultural watershed kind of title in the 90s. And as a child of the 90s, I was really obsessed with it.
And it was the first time I felt represented and all that sort of stuff. So when we think about how we're going to reboot it for today, it's not a photocopy of the original at all. It's sort of tangentially in the same universe, but it's a whole different generation of students. You know, when I say it's not a photocopy of the original, the core thing that we were keeping other than the title is this feeling of being seen, heard and understood.
And so what does that manifest as for a teenager in 2022 as opposed to the 90s? Teens are different. I mean, there are some things that will always stay the same in terms of, you know, adolescence and betrayal and coveting your, you know, boyfriend or girlfriend's best friend or something, right?
But it was about that feeling of rebellion and the feeling of being seen and understood, which in the Australian context is really important, I think, particularly as we haven't really had a show like Heartbreak High since the original. Did you experience those feelings watching it?
Yeah, it was super groundbreaking. I was like, oh, my God, a Vietnamese character. And he's not, you know, a science nerd. It was super groundbreaking. The difference for us with this iteration was that back in the day, it was like representation was groundbreaking. And for us today, it's not groundbreaking at all. It is foundational. So we didn't want to bang the same drum with representation because to us, it's part and parcel.
So what was different was the attitude. But when I say attitude, I mean in terms of like, what is for Gen Z? You know, what are the hallmarks of being a Gen Z-er? Is that what you call them, zoomers or whatever? God, I'm old. You know, what are those hallmarks? And to us, it was about this idea of fluidity and this comfort with, you know, experimenting with your identity and this sense of hope and optimism, you know, for the future, rather than the kind of apathetic grunge 90s, you know, of Gen X's, right? So, you know, that attitude was different. We wanted to kind of pay homage to that and really represent that.
I'm assuming, growing up in Queensland and watching the first iteration in Queensland, I'm assuming it was Sydney's western suburbs. Heartbreak High is vaguely set. It's sort of South Sydney. South Sydney? Yeah, Maroubra Way, which is where this reboot is kind of set as well. I guess South Sydney is a good example of that. It's not necessarily Enclavey.
All you got to do is look at a Rabbit Eyes, you know, crowd. And you see, you know, a vast array of different backgrounds and different stories. Yeah. How do you do the research on the ground? Do you do focus groups with the kids or do you visit the schools and see what a classroom looks like and what kids are wearing and, you know?
Yeah, I mean, look, in the world of Heartbreak High, everyone is in mufti every day, so that's different. That's a Heartbreak High thing that we kept.
We did do research and spoke to a lot of teens. The writers did that. We did some research as well. And it was also around, like, just asking them what they wanted to see on screen.
And it was pretty universal, this sense of wanting to not just see themselves, but kind of see the issues and the stories that kind of occupy them. Because as an Australian audience, not just teen Australians, we're very good at watching other English language shows and just projecting ourselves onto them because we don't have enough content. Like, we need to make more. So, you know, we're good at watching 13 Reasons Why and just going, well, those are American teens, but I can kind of imprint my, you know, adolescence onto that and go with it. But there is a yearning for that authentic Australian team experience, which I think is very, very distinct from the UK and America. Like, American teens and British teens will react differently or have a slightly different response to what Australian teens are, which to me is more like, well, our teens are little shits. If you've ever been bullied by a pack of 14 year olds, like I have one time, you know, you know what I mean, right? So that sort of smart assness deserves its own show, god damn it.
For sure. Yeah. And the, you know, the idea that you'd drive 40 minutes to a house party. Exactly.
That's a very Australian experience. There's a lot of bike riding in this.
But yeah, we did speak to a lot of teens and our creator, Hannah Carol Chapman, who's amazing. Like, she has siblings in that age range. And, you know, we did a lot of talking to parents and their teenagers about what occupied them and what they wanted to see.
You kind of, from what we've already spoken about here, we talk about the golden brown, you know, that sunshine of the northern rivers and what that represents. We kind of look at the gritty kind of blue hue of South Sydney, Southwest Sydney. Another project you're working on takes us kind of to like the humid, rural outskirts of Brisbane in the shape of Trent Dalton's bestseller, Boy Swallows Universe, which is finally coming to the screens with your team. Yeah. How did that come about? It's not often that an Australian book is kind of something that we hear about being made into TV so quickly. Yeah, I mean, we were stoked to be able to partner with Joel Edgerton and Troy Lomat, Bruhaha and Trent Dalton on this. And the scripts were amazing. It was just something special. It was something that, look, not dissimilar to Heart Broke High in some sense, but something that meant something really significant to Australian readers, the public, as important as culturally, as Heart Broke High was to a lot of us, so is Boy Swallows Universe. So being able to do that and do it at a level that we think is worthy of the story as well was great. And I think when you think about where we begin our slate, which is Byron Bayes, which I'm so proud of and I think is a super, super elevated premium sort of reality docu soap.
And it's the first out of the gate. First out of the gate.
I mean, it's also, you know, timing, because you can make reality shows a bit faster. We've only been working for 18 months, but knowing where we're going to go, you know, it was really important to us to sort of signify what our ambition is for Australian shows on Netflix.
The one thing I also want to know is, you know, you've obviously got, how many did you say, a team of four? There's about four of us. Team of four.
I'm guessing a lot of you have come out of Australian TV. Yeah, I'm an ex-ABC. Ex-ABC. This must be grueling now that you've got the job and you know so many people in TV.
How do you navigate dinner parties? It's like, oh, by the way, I should show you this thing. I don't go out.
I mean, there was a pandemic. There was a pandemic. I got my job during the pandemic.
So basically, you know, all the kind of networking schmoozing that you used to do is now very, very disciplinedly rolled out in like half hour increments. So there's no time for small talk. You state your business in 30 minutes or less and then you move on.
So, I mean, we're all kind of feeling that. We really need to get back out there and sort of see people again. And as everything's opening up, we'll be able to do that more. But I've been in my pyjamas 90% of the time in front of a laptop, just getting things done. So it is as glamorous as it sounds. Now that we've got so many streaming platforms in Australia now, I guess in the past, our media hasn't done a very good job of representation and really having a diversity of stories. Do you think it's only going to get better and we're going to, you know... Totally. ...certainly enter like a bit of a golden age?
Totally, absolutely. Australian content. I think one of the things about streamers commissioning Australian stories and the big shift for me when I moved from the ABC to Netflix was not being beholden to programming schedules. If it doesn't fit at 8.30pm on a Sunday night, that's OK. Yeah, right.
And that is why Heartbreak High or a show like Heartbreak High hasn't really been able to be made since the original because there wasn't a time slot for it. So it's no one's fault. It's not that no one wanted to make that show. It wasn't that there wasn't an audience for it, but there wasn't a time slot.
And so there is a, there is a constraint. They get pushed out by news. There's news.
I mean, 5.30pm is usually like the teenage slot. Yeah. But that audience segment has kind of been getting younger and younger over the years. So suddenly plugging in a pretty edgy teen, you know, show.
It's a bit of a shock to the system, right? So I get it like, you know, you have an as kind of investment has become more constrained. It means that you are able to make less and less.
So having streamers come into the landscape and start commissioning more stuff. That's where you get Rompa Stompa and Bump from Stan. That's where you get, you know, more than words on Paramount Plus. Like that's where you get all of that stuff, that flexibility to experiment with the kinds of shows that you're making.
That is an interesting thing, because when reality TV came up, I mean, first appeared on mainstream television. It kind of did take a lot of the slots as well. We went from country practice, stingers, blue murder, heartbreak high. And then all of a sudden it's just Big Brother Idol. And so now you've kind of, I guess, with the with the rise of streaming, we're able to go back to those days where someone had a TV show in them and they can take it to someone.
And that's like the range of possibility. And don't get me wrong, like the free-to-ears are doing amazing work, still commissioning shows like that. But it's but the limitations of what investment is in the industry makes it really, really difficult. And when you make unscripted programming, it's cheaper.
Reality is also the most watched genre after sport. I mean, you see with like the really sad news about neighbours finishing up, you know, like we used to watch soap operas like Country Practice and Neighbours. Audiences are kind of shifting more towards reality shows, which I understand.
And I would say with docu-soaps like Byron Bay's, I like this. I like this idea because it's it's you've got the soap in it. Yeah. And it's and that's where we get our drama. That's where we get our kind of accessible everyday drama. And so, you know, it was fun to kind of think of, well, if we do this show, Byron Bay's, how can we kind of lean further into that genre?
Because it's I've never made a reality show before. I don't watch heaps of reality, not because I don't like it, but because I just I don't have the time to your earlier point about how you fit everything in. I can't watch like two hours of Bachelor every night. It's just it's a huge ask. So I have to compartmentalize my viewing habits.
But people love it. And the idea of being able to lean into reality and kind of explore how that I mean, it's it is a craft how it's made, because you're working with real people's stories. They are willing to share themselves on screen for three months of their lives. And, you know, there is so much work done and craft involved in kind of maintaining the surprise, following their lives, allowing like things to organically happen in facilitating those organic things to happen. It is sorcery how it's made. Also, you know, the participants in our show.
I mean, you have to have balls of steel. I know that's a sexist term, but to be willing to share yourself like that, particularly when you are social media people and you've got an existing brand and those images, those brands are heavily curated. And now you're putting it in your hands. Yeah, to be willing to share and to have that kind of fortitude to be like, well, this is me. Yeah, yeah. With it is incredible. Like I toff my cap to them.
Yeah, it's going to be on the Internet forever until the end of humanity. It'll always be there.
And that's the exhilaration, I guess. You know, everyone's everyone's doing something, whether you're making it from your end or they're going on it. Yeah. Did you mean you watched? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And thanks for that, by the way. You're welcome. Yeah.
What did you think? What I thought was when I go to Byron and I see those kind of whether they're little spats happening or they're like dates. I think that's what they're talking about. That's what these people are talking about. That, you know, the only people I engage with in Byron are the five people I arrived with and then booked into a hotel with or booked into an Airbnb with, you know, you don't really see what's going on, but you know, people are there all the time.
So that was the thing I took out of it the most. And then, of course, you know, as the drama, it goes somewhere else. Once you're personally invested in the drama and the stories, you forget everything. I mean, I was no longer at the beach hotel. I was I was in this world. Well, yeah, initially, like from the outside, before I watched it, I was in the camp of I'd rather have a knee reconstruction than watch something like that. But the whole time I was watching it, the more I didn't want to watch it. I was like, no, keep it going. I've got to see what you just embrace the fact that you like it.
Yeah, because a lot of people love to hate reality TV. And I think part of the backlash is because it's a reality show.
Right. Yeah. Which I totally understand. But it's really interesting. I think it's a very specifically Australian thing as well, is that.
And, you know, I hesitate to say like there's some cultural elitism in it. Not to I don't mean to accuse you of cultural elitism, but we fall over ourselves sometimes to say, oh, it's appalling, but I couldn't stop watching.
And that's the same. We see it with Shane Warne's eulogies. You know what I mean? We remember how he was spoken about, you know, by the, you know, with the cultural elitism, the way Shane Warne was spoken about throughout his whole career. And then when he's dead, we kind of look back and go, geez, they went a bit hard on, you know, this this bloke at certain points of his career. And then we realize how much he meant to a lot of people. Exactly. And there is something about that accessibility and that relate. I mean, you know, he was an influencer. He was just an influencer prior to social media. Right. He forged a connection between himself and the kind of person he was.
What's the hair? Ashley Martin hair? No, he was Advanced Hair Studio. Advanced Hair, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And the one with the infrared lights.
Exactly, exactly. But that kind of accessibility, I don't think should be like, you know, there's no point being snobby about it. Like no basic bitches need entertainment, too. And I am a basic bit. Yeah, yeah. And we all are. And if we're not, I mean, it's extremely relatable there. Yeah. I mean, like, like every man with hair loss is like, oh, maybe I should go. If Warren is doing it, if Warren is doing exactly exactly. That's role modeling, right? Yeah.
Did you get to spend a bit of time up in Byron throughout all this? Or you've been you've been in the lab? I did go to Byron once. It was a bit of the eye of the storm at the time. But, you know, I got to see the production made. I saw some of the shooting and it was like I said, that's where I was like, oh, my God, this is actually really incredible how this stuff is made. So I did go to Byron once. I've been to Byron a number of times.
I do have family there. But yes, other than that, pretty much, you know, no to the grindstone. Yeah.
The Byron thing in itself is interesting. I feel like Byron became a whole nother thing in the pandemic.
You know, we had the celebrities flying in. We had all the, you know, all the people with COVID who were going there.
Yeah. Well, we had all that kind of stuff, but it became almost a worldly household word, Byron Bay. And then, of course, we had the seven perfect strangers. Yeah, that was. And we got to see that landscape. And that's now people are familiar with that around the world. Yeah. You kind of had this in the pipeline well before that. Byron COVID glow up. Yeah. Look, yes, it was. Look, look, I started the job during the pandemic, so things were kind of in train already. But to us, when we did this show and decided to greenlight it, it was about, you know, Byron is often used as this beautiful location or a proxy for California or something.
And all those Morton Bay figs in California.
But to us, this was an opportunity. And for better or for worse, and I know some people didn't like it and others were fine. But for us going in, it was an opportunity to really explore Byron as or an aspect of Byron as it genuinely was to our minds. That wasn't an opportunity afforded to Byron by other productions. And in that kind of sweep of lots of attention being thrown at Byron, which has been progressively increasing over the years ever since Paul Hogan bought a place there in the 80s.
Right. All the trios of your run. That's yeah.
So all of all of that, it has been growing in its desirability for decades. And so, you know, I think during the pandemic, it hit a tipping point, which I totally understand.
And and, you know, everyone's had a pretty crap couple of years. And that area now is not having a great time, which is which is awful.
And so I think that sort of anguish and anxiety around that is totally understandable. And, you know, when a company comes in, like I can see that, you know, the specter of Netflix, it can be an intimidating thing. And if there's no trust in what it is that you're trying to do, then I can understand that reaction.
And no one knew that we were just a pack of four nerds just really loving Australian content and wanting to do something great. And you know, we're near as scary as the entire NRL Mad Mondays that we're all having 2020 that they were saying it at the stadium in Western Sydney. They go, we just won. We're going to Byron.
You know, I feel like that's way scarier. You're going to the half acre known as the beach hotel. Well, at the end of the day, it's silly.
It's a bit of fun, but I think it's also really compassionate and kind and warm. And, you know, what I found really interesting as well was just the like the the Byron versus Gold Coast thing. Like, that was a really interesting thing that came out of it as well.
Oh, big time. Yeah. And that kind of happens all the way down the coast where those big towns below Byron also talk shit about Byron, you know, the Graftons and the Ambers. Yes. And that kind of stuff. Yeah. And that's just local. Is that right? Yeah, it is.
You wouldn't get this seriously. Seriously local.
That is beach culture. It's beach culture. And it's also, you know, it's Australian culture as well.
Like even the backlash for me, I was like, oh, I'm getting a go back to where you came from vibe. And you get it because there's a there's a fierce sense of loyalty and protectionism. Totally understand. And you don't want change. And when a place is as beautiful as Byron and when it has been idyllic and you want to kind of retain that, you know, spirit of it, it's hard to kind of accept anything less. Yeah. That you perceive is less, I guess. I mean, all you can say really is give these characters a chance.
And I'm sure you're going to see them on the beach and you're going to say, g'day. That's what's going to happen. It's like anything.
People sit there and look at a football team that they hate and the player that, you know, is obviously causing them so much pain in their own sporting teams losses. You know, someone would look at Queensland origin player from New South Wales. You look at Queensland origin player and say, I hate him.
But if he walks into the pub, you're probably going to ask for a photo. And that's what I think is going to happen with Byron.
I love them all. I really love them. Who's your favorite?
Come on. Well, who is the the singer from the Goldie? Sarah. Yeah.
I love Sarah. I have a lot of love for Kai. Kai? Yeah, I'd say he would be my favorite.
Well, we found it quite riveting. And, you know, and but tutor advocate, we kind of interested in these people. You know, these are the kind of like they're deeply forward like me. But we write about them. I'm sure there'll be different narratives that we we write about as we go. I mean, if we are getting invested in the scripted drama of euphoria and writing articles about that, you can believe that Byron Bayes, someone who could have just lived down the road from us.
Yeah, you're getting a start. I hope so. I hope everyone likes it. Yeah. So what is your dream moving forward with Netflix? Just more. Yeah, more.
You know, the challenge is we've spent the first 18 months working out what an Australian show on Netflix is. And it's a number of different things. But when we come down to its core principles, it's around, you know, we want things that are commercial, but with a twist. And it's about things that are mainstream that you just haven't seen on screen before. And I think whether it's Byron Bayes or, you know, Wellmania or Boy Swallows Universe, I think that there's something so familiar about it, something that you just know, but also something that feels really, really surprising.
So, you know, I just want to do more of those and build up more of an appetite, like just make Australian audiences really, really love what the potential is and just more variety. And that's that's for me. That's for all the other streamers and all the other free to wear networks as well. Like the more investment we can put into Australian content, the better.
Otherwise, I'll get fired. You'll be right.
We're all tuning in for Byron Bayes, everyone's tuning in. The one thing I do want to ask is Netflix is also not just Netflix Australia. So it's different with the Stan or an ABC or or any of the stations where you make a program here and then it quite often look at something like Rake. It gets sold as a concept and they do an American version, which doesn't do as well. But with something like Byron Bayes, it enters the machine.
Yeah. And everything you're commissioning enters the machine. And anyone over there, if they can hear about it, like a friend over here or even if it makes waves over there, they can watch it. So do you have to keep that in mind, too, like to not go hyper local to. No, no, no. We go hyper local. So you've been basically. Yeah. The memo is make it for here. Make it for here. So if our Australian audiences aren't loving it and it does really, really well overseas, we've failed. Yeah. OK.
Now, it sounds counterintuitive because normally when we've made Australian content in the past, you make it so that it's quote unquote exportable. So you put an international element in it, you cast an international person or you throw a shot of the Harbour Bridge or the Opera House in the in the background. And there's, oh, my God, it's crocodile, you know, that kind of thing.
Don't pull your punches. I mean, there's a line in the first episode of Byron Bayes where I think it's Alex. He says, you know, you can't pay big W prices and get David Jones talent or something.
Yeah. Extremely niche. Very, very nice. Very, very us. Right.
But the tone of it like anyone can kind of figure that out. And actually, we we want to challenge them to figure it out. We want them to embrace Australian culture as well. And we only do that by just embracing it ourselves and not watering it down or dumbing it down or trying to make it appeal to someone else. Yeah. It's not Australian from the start.
It's the same way with like K-drama. It's like what you watch it with subtitles. Don't listen to a dubbed. Watch it how they made it. Although dubs do make it quite accessible for a lot of audiences.
But I personally like the subs. Yeah, but absolutely. I mean, my boss is is the person who commissions Squid Game. Yeah.
And so she led the team that kind of turns the Korean content into the juggernaut that it is right. It's that same mentality. It's not where Hollywood's awkward younger sibling. We are a local team in and of that in and of itself. We should be seen more like Team Korea than Team Hollywood.
Yeah. OK, if that makes sense. Yeah.
So we embrace the Koreans certainly didn't make something for Australia. Yeah, no. We all watched it, but it wasn't. It wasn't. We all watched it. We weren't considered while it was being made.
Exactly.
But there is a faith. There's a trust that if you are just wholly yourselves, if you make something for your local audience, it will travel. And that's certainly how I felt about Singles Infernal.
That show is amazing. Considering how streaming services are with how successful something's been, how do you measure successful content at Netflix? Well, you get to see the secret numbers, don't you? I do get to see the secret numbers, but it's how much impact it has. It's how many people are watching. It's it's the same kind of impact that you would want if you were at the ABC or Channel 10. Right. How many people are watching, how many people talking about it, how many people are, you know, purposely coming to Netflix to watch the show?
Only difference is your numbers haven't been done by someone with a clipboard working for a major. No talking smack about ABC. OK. Oh, no, we've all worked in radio.
We know how we know how it works. But, you know, real numbers, hard numbers. And of course, you get to then measure the psyche. You get to measure the, you know, the chatter outside of the. Yeah. And ultimately, like I have to kind of bring it back to that as well. Our gut as locals tells us a certain thing about what is in the zeitgeist or what is, you know, the kind of story that everyone wants to see. And there is data that can kind of test that gut instinct. But ultimately, that's what you're relying on.
If you look at the shows we've announced, I think you can see why it is that we've commissioned each of them. And the reasons range from very at the top number one position, creative to, you know, the execute ability of them. But you can kind of see what our process has been. Everyone knows, like the moment we saw that first logo for Byron Bays, we said, oh, yeah, this will be worth watching. Yeah, because you know exactly what you know exactly what to expect. But you don't realize that we're about to surprise you with the level of depth of the show.
Right. So, yeah, that's how we do it. Yeah.
No, exciting times. Exciting times coming up.
And, you know, obviously this will be first one at the gates and the start of a new wave, the Australian New Wave, the Australian TV Renaissance, as I referred to it at the start. Thank you for joining us, Q Min Liu. Thanks for having me. Oh, exciting times ahead for you. Yes. Exciting and tiring. Thanks for coming on. Thank you.
It's counterintuitive because normally when we've made Australian content in the past, you make it so that it's, quote unquote, exportable. So you put an international element in it. You cast an international person or you throw a shot of the Harbour Bridge or the Opera House in the in the background. And there's, oh, my God, it's crocodile, you know, that kind of thing.
Don't pull your punches. I mean, there's a line in the first episode of Byron Bay's where I think it's Alex. He says, you know, you can't pay big W prices and get David Jones talent or something.
Yeah, extremely niche. Very, very nice. Very, very us, right?
But the tone of it like anyone can kind of figure that out. And actually, we we want to challenge them to figure it out. We want them to embrace Australian culture as well. And we only do that by just embracing it ourselves and not watering it down or dumbing it down or trying to make it appeal to someone else who's not Australian from the start.
It's the same way with like K drama. It's like watch it with subtitles. Don't listen to it dubbed. Watch it how they made it. Although dubs do make it quite accessible for a lot of audiences.
But I personally like the subs. But absolutely. I mean, my boss is is the person who commissions Squid Game. Yeah.
And so she led the team that kind of turns the Korean content into the juggernaut that it is right. It's that same mentality. It's not where Hollywood's awkward younger sibling. We are a local team in and of out that in and of itself. We should be seen more like Team Korea than Team Hollywood.
Yeah. OK, if that makes sense. Yeah.
So we embrace the Koreans certainly didn't make something for Australians. No, I watched it, but it wasn't it wasn't. You know, we all watched it. We weren't considered while it was being made.
Exactly.
But there is a faith. There's a trust that if you are just wholly yourselves, if you make something for your local audience, it will travel. And that's certainly how I felt about Singles Inferno.
That show is amazing. Considering how streaming services are with how successful something's been. How do you measure successful content at Netflix?
Well, you get to see the secret numbers, don't you? I do get to see the secret numbers.
But it's how much impact it has. It's how many people are watching. It's the same kind of impact that you would want if you were at the ABC or Channel 10. Right. How many people are watching? How many people are talking about it? How many people are, you know, purposefully coming to Netflix to watch? Yeah.
And the only difference is your numbers haven't been done by someone with a clipboard working for a major. No talking smack about ABC.
OK, now we've all worked in radio. We know how we know how it works. But, you know, real numbers, hard numbers. And of course, you get to then measure the psyche. You get to measure the, you know, the chatter outside of the outside. And ultimately, like I have to kind of bring it back to that as well. Our gut as locals tells us a certain thing about what is in the zeitgeist or what is, you know, the kind of story that everyone wants to see. And there is data that can kind of test that gut instinct. But ultimately, that's what you're relying on. If you look at the shows we've announced, I think you can see why it is that we've commissioned each of them. And the reasons range from very at the top number one position, creative to, you know, the executability of them. But you can kind of see what our process has been. Everyone knows, like the moment we saw that first logo for Byron Bays, we said, oh, yeah, this will be worth watching. Yeah, because you know exactly what you know exactly what to expect. But you don't realize that we're about to surprise you with the level of depth of the show.
Right. So, yeah, that's how we do it. Yeah.
No, exciting times, exciting times coming up. And, you know, obviously this will be first one out the gates and the start of a new wave, the Australian New Wave, the Australian TV Renaissance, as I referred to it at the start. Thank you for joining us. Q Min Liu. Thanks for having me. Oh, exciting times ahead for you. Yes, exciting and tiring. Thanks for coming on. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Help_I_m_A_Different_Height_Than_Someone_Else_Dr_Good_Ep_4 | Do you still have all of your feet and hands? If so, Dr. Goode wants to know how you did it. Send a picture of your extremities and a stool sample to Dr. Goode at 730 North Franklin Street, 7th floor, Chicago, Illinois 60654.
One of the most common reasons people go see the doctor is when they see someone who's a different height and they get scared. But having a different height than someone else is perfectly normal. Now the average American male is 5 feet 10 inches tall, and the average human will be about 6 feet tall when he finally matures. But just because someone's a different height than you doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
Here today are Jonathan and Richard. Richard, would you please stand for us?
That's right.
He is short. Now, Jonathan, could you please stand for us? Jonathan is tall. Now, I examined these two before the show, and they are both in perfect health. That doesn't seem possible. The tall guy looks a lot healthier, like giraffes, which are very healthy animals. The short guy probably has cancer.
I didn't find any evidence of that, but it could be so. I think I'll cut one of them open so I can take a look for myself.
We have some more special guests we'd like you to meet. Bring them out. Look at these tall people. Now, all of them are perfectly healthy and normal, except for one, he has a urinary tract infection, but that has nothing to do with his height. And we have some more special guests waiting backstage. No, no, no. Come on, now. There's nothing wrong with these people.
They're just a little short. And that's the weird thing about height. Some of these short people are actually tall.
That's right. What is your name, sir? Brian.
And how old are you? I'm in fourth grade. And in your class, how tall are the kids your age?
I'm taller than a lot of them. And you, sir, please step forward. Now, compared to, say, the Burj Tower in Dubai, you're not very tall at all, are you? No. He's short, and he's tall! Look at this guy. He can't reach. Oh, I love it. Do you ever have any problems being this tall? Um, not really. I've been tall all my life.
Come with my little one. You mostly just get used to it. That's because we were made that way. Now, say it with me, folks.
Tall man, short man.
Great energy! We're going to have more of it when we get back.
Tall man, short man.
Tomorrow on an all-new Dr. Good. Dentist Dr. Negume tells you how to get more teeth. More teeth equals more confidence. And one lucky audience member is in for a mouthful. Let's give Rebecca one big tooth in the middle of her palate. I'm joking, I'm joking. Let's give her way more teeth. Only on Dr. Good. |
cracked | what_to_know_before_watching_daddy_s_home_2 | Hey, Daddy fans, just in time for the holidays the whole Daddy gang is back in theaters for Daddy's Home, too And if you miss the first one, or you can't quite remember where the franchise left off Cracked is here to catch you up and give you everything you need to know about what you might have missed and what to expect With Dusty, Brad, Sarah, the new Daddies, and all other things in the Daddyverse You know what they say, Mo Daddies, Mo Problems. So let's get into it First Daddy's Home introduces us to mild-mannered stepdad slash wet blanket Brad Whittaker played by Will Ferrell Whose top dad status is challenged with the return of bad boy biological father Dusty played by Mark Wahlberg Here's what you need to know about this loose cannon when he was just 15 years old Real-life Mark Wahlberg was re-re-re- reprimanded for throwing rocks at African-American children while shouting racial epithets But real-life Mark Wahlberg's antics didn't stop there. A year later He targeted and beat two different middle-aged Vietnamese men while also shouting racial epithets Amir not enough years before his turn as Dusty, the handsome daddy with the secret heart of gold In the movie. When police took Mark and Mark back to the scene of his crime to confront one of his victims Mark said quote, you want to let him identify me? I'll tell you right now That's the motherfucker whose head I split open and quote In 2006 Mark admitted regret about his action, but said he certainly paid for his mistakes Despite the fact that he only ended up serving 45 days of what was initially charged as attempted mama murder Mark Wahlberg believed that his racially motivated attacks partially blinded his victim But spoiler alert marky your victim actually lost partial vision as a result of his service in the Vietnam War fighting Nice try mark But this is one more veteran you didn't blind that we know of in the movie Mark plays dusty It's unbelievable, man.
There's these two sisters one of them has ice powers Now that you're all caught up on daddy's home. What can you expect in daddy's home, too?
Well, certainly not fewer problems That's for good at a I'm sure Daddy h2 takes place right after daddy h og left off dusty and Will Ferrell's characters made up and decided to raise their kids together Or whatever it seems like that from the trailer anyway, but twist this Christmas Daddies of the Daddies are coming to visit dusty softened his former tough guy persona in the interest of keeping his family together But will he be able to maintain this new lifestyle when confronted with his tough-ass nails father Kurt Kurt is played by Mel Gibson Who is no stranger to bad daddies himself since his real-life daddy thinks the Holocaust is fuff off a fake Mel's been a little camera shy For the last several years as a result of his drunk driving and homophobic and racist behavior stemming back all the way to the 90s That we know of talk about a bad boy. Let's talk about this bad boy 1991 the actor who plays Kurt and daddy's home to my daddy's my problems Mel Gibson gave an interview in El Pius in their December issue Hey December like Christmas where he said gays take it up the ass and then he pointed to his butt and said this is only For taking a shit then in 1995 when the gay lesbian alliance against defamation asked for an apology Mad Max Mel said quote. I'll apologize when hell freezes over they can off whoa Can't wait to see how Mel incorporates this over-inflated toxic machismo into his daddy character in the upcoming family Christmas movie daddy's home to Fast-forward to 2006 Mel the guy who plays Kurt the father of racist assault remark Walberg's character gets pulled over for pulling the old driving under The wind fluence or as it's more commonly known driving under the influence of alcohol When pulled over for drunk driving the still currently hireable actor said unprompted Jews Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
He also called the arresting officer sugar.
He Yeah, I know there's just there's a lot we need to get to here. I didn't know if there was room for it It's important. Hey, who am I of course? Of course, I know it's important.
Okay fine And then he called the officer who arrested him sugar tits. We're gonna need a transition now Look at him chop that wood. He looks strong So what can you expect from the character of Kurt in daddy's home, too? Well, if he's anything like the actor playing him, no, no, no, nothing but the bad stuff in 2010 He called his ex-girlfriend the mother of his child and threatened to burn her house down.
Oh Further he told her it would be quote her fault if she ended up getting quote raped by a pack of me Oh, oh, I'm not gonna say that can should we bring in someone else to say that that word? No, no No, no, we shouldn't say it at all. Right? It's it's it's the n-word. He said the n-word He said she'd be raped by a pack of also pack of you invented your own hateful compendium. Jesus Christ Okay, are we really gonna keep going? Okay That's everything you need to know about daddy's home, too It's Markie Mark's dusty and Mel Gibson's whatever his poisonous alpha character's name is going head-to-head with softies Will Farrell and John Lithgow who as far as I know haven't been engaged in any race-based assault But who both agreed to be in this movie competing in an all-time daddy off It's only been two weeks, but it feels like forever This guy's raising your kids half the time Yeah Lots of humor in this movie gets mine from the idea that an outdated concept of masculinity is actually better and men having emotions makes them Less than and who better to represent these ideas than Mark Wahlberg and Mel Gibson produced on purpose by Adam McKay in theaters now Thanks so much for watching that video You can click the big C in the middle if you want to subscribe hit any of those videos on the left if you Want to watch more videos in the notification bell if you want to get notifications every time we have more videos I did it |
dropout | ice_age_in_4d | People can't stop talking about Ice Age in 3D! I loved it, it was great! We saw it three times! Fun for the whole family. For a limited time only, see Ice Age in 4D! The fourth dimension is time.
Oh, I'm going to love it. I know because I met the future me.
Who saw it? Who loved it? We saw it three million times in an hour!
I felt like a kid again. Because I was a kid again.
Go to select Lowe's theaters and see Ice Age in 5D! The fifth dimension is another possible reality caused by choice or chance somewhere along the course of time. Well, in this version of reality I saw the proposal instead. I sucked. I loved it so much, I went back to the actual Ice Age, killed a bug, and now my sister doesn't exist! In this dimension I married a supermodel. Score. Get a large popcorn and see Ice Age in 6D! The sixth dimension allows you to jump between different possible realities. No, I already told you I didn't. I saw it. It was beautiful. I miss my sister. Everything's back to normal! In this dimension I married a supermodel. Score. Get your seven up helmets and see Ice Age in 7D! The seventh dimension is all conceivable possibilities within our universe.
I saw it! I didn't see it! I loved it! I made it! I made the movie!
We are all, we are heavy, we are one. Who is she?
Go to the drive-in at Area 51 and see Ice Age in 8D! The eighth dimension is another possible universe caused by a different combination of particles after the Big Bang.
I liked it. I thought we were Mona was hilarious. |
dropout | stop_living_in_a_sad_boy_house | I invited her over to my place and it's the first time I'd really seen it through someone else's eyes. There was no art on the walls, no rugs on the floor, the sink was filled with dirty dishes. I had to wear shoes inside because I broke a glass eight months ago. He made us dinner. We sat at fold out chairs at a big cardboard box. It was spaghetti and sauce out of a jar. He made it all in a wok because it was the only pan that he had.
I'd never seen such a classic case of sad boy house. I had to change, but I didn't know where to start. From the publisher of the life-changing magic of tidying up and the copy editor of Getting Things Done comes putting in the tiniest bit of effort over literally one weekend. Does this sound like you? I couldn't open the oven because I tried to reheat a plastic takeout container and it melted. Instead of using curtains, I just hung a mattress pad over the window. Sad boy house affects millions of men in their 20s and in their 30s.
I was fooling myself because the one arm chair I had was black leather and my entertainment system was totally fire. So fire. The most fire. I had like 20 different controllers.
So sick. I was so sick.
But don't worry. Putting in the tiniest bit of effort over literally one weekend will give you the simple solutions to fix up your garbage pile of an apartment so it's totally fine. With chapters like, Don't Set Your Wireless Router in the Middle of the Goddamn Room, no one wants to see your facial hair in the sink. And if you're not going to use that big-ass tub of whey protein, you should just throw it out. I used the techniques I learned in putting in the tiniest bit of effort over literally one weekend and it literally took one weekend and very little effort.
I took the Scarface poster that was taped to my wall and I just put it in a frame. Then I put that whole thing in a dumpster and I went to the Goodwill down the street and I bought this painting. It's so grown up. Instead of hanging a garbage bag off a kitchen cabinet, I bought a trash can. Now when I burn my ramen, the smell is contained in one small area. I stopped using old liquor bottles as decoration.
I still drink the same amount, but I'm not weirdly bragging about it. I'm so happy. I haven't had to have an emergency tennis shot in weeks. And there's almost always toilet paper. Putting in the tiniest bit of effort over literally one weekend.
It looks best if you put it on a bookshelf, you nightmare of a human. Also includes Sad Girl House. Ugh.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff and, sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? I, cause I can like, I can see the top of the camera so it's, is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | How_Do_I_Get_Those_Weight_Loss_Throat_Worms_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey, everybody. This is Drew. I've been getting lots of questions about problems you guys are having with weight loss throat worms. Those are the worms that live in your throat and absorb the food before it reaches your esophagus. Just going to dive right in and go through some of the commonly submitted questions. Hi.
I was just curious, where do you get infested with the worms? Because I looked everywhere on Bing and I couldn't find any place that sells them. Good question. Throat worms are still legal to sell in North America, so in order to get some you have to find a friend who already has them. In order to do this, you want to find a dark, damp area and lie down with your mouth abutting their mouth. Throat worms are very timid creatures. You might have to lie in this position for a little while until the worms become comfortable with the new throat. Okay, this question is from girlisalady who asks, I hear you have to get throat worms of both sexes so that they create a sustainable breeding pool in your mouth.
Is this true? Absolutely not. This is just an internet rumor.
All throat worms are hermaphroditic and they can mate with whoever they want. In fact, they can mate with themselves. Good question.
If the worms eat all the food you eat, wouldn't they gain all the weight you would have gained? Does that really count as weight loss? Yes and no. The worms will get bigger and heavier the longer that you have them. I've seen some throat worms as big as lake trap, but they expel most of their food as a viscous waste product that your body can't digest, so it'll just pass right through. So it won't make you pack on the pounds.
Looking at your stool for those distinctive throat worm paste swirls is a good indicator of the health of your throat worms. The more mauve the better. Hey Drew, I give makeup tutorials and how to's for people who want to accentuate their worms and give them that worm glam look. Um, but my question is, we want to use makeup that isn't too toxic because we don't want to kill these little guys. Pret not, Ophelia. No throat worms have been observed dying from makeup or otherwise. Scientists look at those rings on the throat worms and have estimated that some are hundreds of thousands of years old. They may not be alive in the official sense because they seem incapable of death. Gotta say, I watched some of your makeup throat worm videos and they are pretty amazing. I highly, highly recommend them to viewers who want to be healthy but also look sexy.
Okay, that's it for me. Remember to ask comments and the questions and on social media. Wave bye bye. Bye bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Miranda_Tapsell_star_of_TOP_END_WEDDING_THE_SAPPHIRES_Rom_Com_Expert_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Imagine the perfect video store. A store that has every single film on its shelves. You can rent and borrow everything.
You can discover new films. You can discover classics for the first time.
Well, imagine no longer, baby, because you are in it right now. This is the last video store. My name is Alexei Touliopoulos. It's Clerk, it's Custodian, it's Guardian, and it is my distinct privilege to welcome you in as a new member of the last video store.
On this show, we connect people with the films they love, and the new member on the show that we will be connecting with the films they love is one of our great actors in Australia, a beautiful movie star, Miranda Tapsell. I absolutely love Miranda Tapsell.
She is the writer and star of one of my very favorite romantic comedies ever, Top End Wedding. I love this movie. It's so warm, it's so funny. It's deep, it's personal, and it uses genre in a way that I find so exciting, a way of connection, emotional distinction, and just really something fun and exciting and gooey. If you've never seen Top End Wedding, let me give this to you as your recommendation today.
But on the podcast, on the show, we're going to be talking to Miranda about some of her favorite movies ever. We're going to start with her new release in the combo, and then we're going to go onto two weekly picks, and then, oh boy, because we are talking rom-coms, and we are talking rom-coms.
I've got the challenge.
She's seen a lot. She's seen most. She's probably, she might've even seen them all, and it's going to be tough to come up with a recommendation for her that will be something new, fresh, exciting, something she's not experienced before.
So yeah, the stakes are high. The stakes are kind of high on this episode, but I love Miranda, so it's going to be fun regardless.
So let's get on in to our chats on today's The Last Video Store. Okay, I'm getting to the zone. I'm in the zone. Wow, I am a video store clerk. It is my mission in life, and here I am. We're here inside The Last Video Store, and we are about to get into the gooey stuff with you here today, Miranda Tapsell. Thank you for joining me in the store.
Oh, thank you for having me, Alexi. The distinction is mine. The pleasure is mine, and hopefully the honor is yours. What an honor to be on this podcast. Well, you know, this is a place of movies, and you are a person of movies, so who better to join us in here?
Oh, I know. If there's anyone who's an expert, it's me. Well, I might give you a shift on this side of the counter any time if you're such an expert. We'll do it. I know.
I'm surprised I'm not recommending you a film.
Hey, you kind of are today. That's your job. My job's going to recommend you a film as well, but before we kick into that, I'm actually going to have to sign you up to the store, and I'm seeing right here, I've actually got an official 2019 marriage certificate registering the nuptials of Lauren and Ned, and I've got it right here. One of my favorites. You've got top-end wedding in the store. Of course we do.
I think it's one of the best romantic comedies of the last few years, and when we're doing research for this episode, I'll tell you what I stumbled across. My actual notes from when I reviewed the film on ABC back when it came out, and I'll read you the notes I scribbled down. Please. Great ensemble led by Miranda Tapsell in a full-on Meg Ryan movie star turn, a beautiful script that allows the film to blossom over its runtime as its characters grow. Oh my God. That was one of my notes. That's what I scribbled down after seeing the movie, and I reviewed it. I love this movie so much. You wrote it as well as starring in it.
Was this like a dream project for you from the start, top-end wedding? Oh, absolutely.
So I co-wrote this with my mate, Josh Tyler, and we were teaching screen writing and acting at the time, and we just bonded off rom-coms. We were constantly quoting each other, and keep in mind, everybody, this was 10 years ago, so our working relationship has gone on for longer than my own marriage.
Your first true love. My first true love.
No, it was just so, we just had so much fun talking about these films, and he was one of the rare people that I'd met that had been up in the territory, and he then said to me, why don't we set one up there? And I thought, wow, you can do that? I just, I couldn't believe it. So yeah, we just, the rest is history, really.
Yeah, I think that's what I really love about the film as well, because for me, the way I always talk about genre is like, genre is a language that audiences are completely fluent in, but they're kind of not cognizant that they're fluent in it, so it's a great way to communicate to people. I think what's so special about this film is that it uses the emotionality of romantic comedies, because it is such an emotional genre, because it's so relatable. People have those moments in their lives, use the trappings of it, but also to speak about culture and country, was that always the way that you want to access like those more personal feelings of yourself and your life? Yeah, because I was writing this at a time when Crazy Rich Asians and The Big Sick came out, so I realized, oh wow, like, you can actually bring so much humanity to a person through this genre, because the ones that are done really well have the audience rooting for the character, but even if they are flawed, people still go, no, they deserve love.
Yeah, and it's like, I don't know, it's so emotionally exciting, and I've heard little whispers, I've heard rumors. Oh, have you now? That there is something more in the world of Top End Wedding, is this true? Yes, yes, yes. Wow, wow, wow.
Can you tell, I want to hear everything. I want to hear absolutely everything.
So we are writing a spin-off series of Top End Wedding called Top End Bub. So I can't give too many spoilers because we want you to see the film. I mean, the series, want you to see the series, but yes, you know, seeing a couple through the eyes of, or just seeing them through just one point of their lives around the wedding was great, but I think a lot of people online wanted to know, okay, well, what else are they gonna do? And I was really touched by that. And during the pandemic, I thought Josh and I were thinking, you know, why don't we give it another crack, you know? Why are we leaving it as long as my big fat Greek wedding too, and my big fat Greek wedding ring?
Yeah, the kids are teenagers by the end of that one. You know what I mean? Like you're basically like off at university and having their own children.
I think that's great because I think, you know, when you feel that connection to the characters, you want to see like where their life progresses. I think rom-coms, there are rom-coms that have sequels. And to me, that makes total sense because you see, like you want to see where their lives go next because there's so many great rom-coms where they have that happy ending. Like even the ones I love, like you've got mail.
You see them get together at the end and then you're like, hang on a sec, how long can they possibly be together? Everything's about to unravel. I mean, the guy was gaslighting and lying to her the whole time. She's just found out.
Exactly, and I mean, the only thing that's really carrying that film across is how charismatic the two actors are, you know what I mean? But this is my thing. Can I just please have a moment? Of course, the moment is yours.
I want to turn my mic off.
No, it's just, I don't know. I just feel like this genre gets a bad rap. People go, oh, it's boring, it's predictable.
Often the relationships are quite toxic and I think to myself, well, like, you know, it doesn't always have to be, but everyone at some point in their life has to work through a relationship, right? So I just think having like a clash of personalities and, you know, someone growing from meeting someone, like that's, it's just so beautiful.
It's just like, I mean, I know what's going to happen in Jaws, right? I know what's going to happen in Meg and Sharknado. Why am I going to hate a whole genre of sharks?
That's like, that's just rude. So all I'm saying is like, you've got to go into these with a full open mind. And you know what?
I love bad ones too. I have to admit it too, so do I. I love them. A good Hallmark-style one, a good like Netflix Christmas rom-com. I'm like into it. Perfect. It's that cheesy, like ooey gooeyness of it all that I really love.
But also like, I think there's a, cause it's got a familiar structure, like all genres, they communicate in structures that you understand. The rom-com in particular, you know, there's going to be that moment where they meet, there's going to be a moment where they separate. There's going to be a need for them to come back together. And the really good rom-coms are the ones that like give purpose to each of those things and give meaning to you.
And they also like, they stick with you. They stay really powerful.
And I think it's a great place to show like comedic voice and to explore other things. And also to explore the thing that is probably key to most people's lives, which is relationships. Whether it be romantic relationships or even friendships, I think rom-coms are the films that explore those and give meaning to people's own lives a lot of the time. It does.
And I think because there's like so many artists come into this industry because they don't feel like they're understood. So they make their own things so that people understand them better.
And I just thought it was just a beautiful joyous way to show off my community, how generous and thoughtful they can be, how funny they can be. And the fact that so many people took their mom to it, took their daughter to it, was just like really, really heartwarming for me.
And it's kind of now you're getting to continue that heartwarming journey as well. Cause I mean, I'm guessing from the title, it is about a child coming into the relationship. Can I even say that? Yes, yes you can. And you know, your mother as well now. So is that you kind of continuing to explore your life through this character? Oh, absolutely.
When I was doing the press of the film, I was sort of halfway through writing the script with Josh when I met my husband, James. And so it was like writing this helped me manifest. It's like I wrote James basically.
Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, wow.
You dreamed him into this world. Yes, he didn't exist before. And then you probably gave him the framework for how to be the ideal man. Follow this guy.
I've written it out for you brother, follow it out. Yeah, so it was no. And now it's like I was sort of halfway through writing this series when I fell pregnant.
So yeah, it really, it is really funny how art can reflect life. Wow, and life reflects art as well it sounds. Yes, it's that way, it's that way. It's both ways, man. That's the relationship between people's own life and art and everything. It's all so beautiful, man.
I can't even say this with my eyes open because I have to dream it, man.
Well, I'm so excited for Top End, Barb. And Top End Wedding, one of the best rom-coms in the last few years. So it makes me feel something inside me that I'm yet to define how excited I am for this follow-up spinoff series.
Thank you. Well, I mean that. Well, I'm gonna send you out now into the store. You're gonna go to our new member rental combo deal, which is one new release film and two weeklies of your choice. And then the bonus is my pressure, my power, my ability to give you a bespoke customized recommendation based on your taste and your picks. Thank you. And I'm gonna say probably gonna be a rom-com or some kind for the way this conversation has gone. So I'll send you out there. Come on back when you're ready and we'll get into your picks. New release. What a lovely stack of licks you've brought back for us, Miranda. Oh, thank you very much. Look, these I do really, these are very close to my heart.
That's what we wanna hear. We wanna hear that not just is the disc, just showing a little picture on there. We wanna flip it over. You see that reflective surface of the DVD that will reflect you, your life, your loves all back onto it.
Okay. So the first move we've got, it is your new release pick. This is, I might say, might be one of my very favorite movies of last year. Maybe an instant holiday classic. You've got Alexander Payne's, The Holdovers. Drama. Yes. Can you tell me why you picked this movie? I picked this one because it was the most perfect misfits coming together. Oh yeah.
I love those. I love those stories. Do you know what I mean?
These unlikely friendships that form on screen. Also, this one just really, like The Holdovers really surprised me in terms of like, I was crying at the end. Wow. I really didn't suspect that I would feel so much, like talking about how invested you are in characters.
Daveine Joy deserves all the flowers. And she pretty much got all of the flowers for this. Daveine Joy Randolph, what a breakout, breakthrough performance.
She won the SAG award. She won the Oscar amongst many others, Golden Globe as well, I think. BAFTA, I don't know, probably.
But just a beautiful performance of just like the subtleties of sadness and loss and mourning. And then also the ideas of like hope and like perseverance through that. Oh my God, I'm getting goosebumps talking about it. It's just such a great performance of playing this mother who's experienced this loss, but is also like having to literally work through it at her job as a cook at an all boys boarding school that is now on holidays.
And only one boy is left and only one teacher is left played by the great Paul Giamatti. Oh, I loved him too.
Alexander Payne clearly, from a script point of view, there wasn't a lot of time in the story to kind of show Daveine's son, her character's son in the show. So we didn't, it was all on her to sort of carry his memory throughout the film.
Oh my God, that's so well put, that's exactly it. Like that's a lot to ask of an actor. There's so much meat to that, you know?
All you got was that she obviously had to work at her son's school to help pay for the school fees, you know? And then that didn't work because he went off to war, but also being able to keep herself open to be like, you'd think she'd have no more empathy left in her body, but she still believed in the goodness in people.
And I, oh man, just such an incredible performance. Yeah, it's all of that, like the subtleties of that and like how to play something when you, something you don't, the character doesn't want to show. Like, how do you even do that? Oh, and like, oh my God, that kitchen scene where all she says is he's gone. Oh gosh, oh my God. Yeah, squeeze her up, pour it back into a glass.
Yeah, it's so like, it's so emotionally effective. And I think like for me, like the holidays usually are a pretty happy time of the year for me, like I'm with my family and stuff, but there is like this Christmas time blues and melancholy that I think is something that's so undeniable. And I think the way that this film accesses that and has like this really rich story and this rich world around it. We're talking about one of the key supporting characters mainly, and that is just part of the fabric of the film is like everyone has rich backstory that is slowly explored and slowly unraveled. Like even the waitress at the diner that they keep frequenting is like someone that you get to know and you get to feel and get to have these connections to and these feelings for.
And my most controversial, probably it's my most controversial film opinion, Paul Giamatti, it's steamy to say, but I'll readmit to it is that he is, he's never been one of my favorite actors. I know it's quite sacrilegious.
That is spicy. It's spicy dude.
He's never been one of my favorite actors. And the way that I've always put it is like, he always gives minimum at least 10, 15, 25, 30% too much. Like he always, he's a passionate and exuberant actor. So he always does that. I'm like, oh, it's always a little bit less, but there's always been those key movies that are like, God, he's great in that.
Like God is great in Sideways, the other movie made with Alexander Payne or like God, he's good in freaking, I mean, even this is one where he goes too far, but the NWA movie, I'm like, he's awesome in that. He's so fun. But then also in this movie, I loved him so much in retrospect. I love him in every movie that I've seen him in since and I went exploring. I started watching other ones who were like, God, I was wrong. This guy is the best. I love Paul Giamatti now.
You know what I think? I think he surprised me. I don't know, maybe it's the way he's been cast in previous films and things, but I feel like there's a bit of a wall up with him and he actually was directed to not do that. Yeah. He really did have to like give a part of himself to the other actor. Do you know what I mean? It was generosity that came through. So when he's interacting with the younger actor of the film, would we say he's the protagonist? Not really, but he's- Not really, yeah, but it's like kind of shared between the two of them, I guess, yeah. His perspectives do change, you're right. But that relationship between him and the young student, you know, I could just see that he could have easily been just a cranky old man and he wasn't. Do you know what I mean? There was so much more to him, especially like without, I'm sorry, I'm gonna give some spoilers.
We're allowed to. Guys, if you haven't watched this film, if you haven't gone to the cinema and watched this in a timely way, the Oscars have been and gone. Like, please, please catch up.
The young boy and the chef slowly convince him that maybe one of the teachers might be actually into him. And they're just like, take a shot at it, you know? And you just see his face sort of, there was the hardness in his face suddenly softens and it was just a beautiful moment of like, and it was just a beautiful character arc. And another thing I really liked was a beautiful little detail that Alexander Payne puts in is that the student says to Paul Giamatti, you smell. And he has to explain why he smells. And it's just like this, it was just a beautiful way to encapsulate. You're a very hard person to get close to or get to know, like it was. It's so good. Just, I love those stories where it's the character stuck in that rest of development and the journey is to break this guy out of it and let it be known to all the fellows out there, you can be a Paul Giamatti type, but you still deserve love, you can find it. And you deserve to be liked.
Yep, and take a shot, take a chance. Take a shot and also- Go out on that limb.
And get that deodorant, get some medically prescribed deodorant. And if you do smell like that character, go to your doctor, you might need some medical grade deodorant.
Maybe not Lynx Africa. No, no, no. Let's just make that very clear right now.
You need something with like tea tree in there, you know, something really powerful. You need something to mask and to repair. Tree tree.
Weekly. Let's get into your picks then. Okay.
You've got two really classic movies. And I think these are both like interesting movies for different reasons. They're both kind of roughly in that romantic comedy space as well.
Yes. But I think they're accessing something quite different each of them. Let's start with this one on the top of your pile there. Yes.
So my first weekly is Amelie. ["Amelie"] Cult. Wow. This is such a great pick, Amelie. I mean, what like a cult kind of art house favorite as well? Oh gosh, yeah. So iconic. I just remember like going to, you know, short film festivals and like, and watching. Do you remember there was like a stage where like every film student was using the same kind of saturated color. That narration going like, oh, this is Amelie.
She is 19 years old. And she does like, you know, that full on, it took over.
I mean, you can't go to Tropfest today without seeing something like that. There's always something, right? Like where the next gen, it's like the next generation have discovered it and gone, oh my goodness.
Yeah. It's the best film of all time. Exactly.
I would say the only film that maybe gets more is like any Tarantino, but Amelie is like right in that top area for like film school inspirations, like how to tell a story. And for me, and I guess for a lot of people like our age, this was perhaps the first foreign language film, like an introduction to a whole new world of cinema, a gateway film. Was it a gateway film for you? Oh, absolutely. It was like one of the first French films I ever watched. And it was from then on, I started to watch other European films that weren't in English. So yeah, it really did open up a new world of film for me. Wow. Why does it mean so much to you, this film?
Oh, I think it meant so much to me because it did really encapsulate, so I'm an only child. And so I really loved that Amelie was an only child. And I just remember like it just, this film just sort of came to me at a time where I was figuring out who I was and trying to allow myself to be vulnerable with other people.
And what's so lovely about Amelie is that she chooses to help people. And that's her way of expressing her love for people.
Yeah. And so I just thought it was this really endearing film and oh my gosh, I won't spoil the end for people who haven't watched it, but just the way this wonderful director has managed to constantly surprise you at every turn, it was just so gorgeous. Just the romantic ending just makes me swoon every time. And the director is Jean-Pierre Jeunet who is like this great surrealist. I think it's those gentle touches of surrealness, but they're built into the twee world of it all. But it's like that kind of whimsy that was just so timely and no one has ever been really able to match that exact perfect home. Because I think what this movie does, it's built around these moments of magic, but not being magical realism, just like these moments of everyday enchantment and like the simple pleasures of life being completely imbued with this warm romanticism. And the thing that gets me most is like, it's a thing that's like so apparent in film, but this film just access to that perfectly and just goes where not holding back is the idea of coincidences and destiny. Yes. And especially in this genre, those are things that matter so much. The way that kind of embraces it, it's a way that kind of transcends the everyday. I love the way this film uses almost like senses and memory that we can all access.
Like there's all those scenes where Amelie's narrating or the film is being narrated, where you get glimpses into other people's lives. And it's all like the pleasures of life in ways that every single person can understand them, which to me is through food. There's that beautiful moment where you see that crack of the creme brulee and it just kind of like oozes out from the sugar through. But my favorite moment, and it's just like this side story that kind of captures the enduring power of the inhabitants of this movie. It's like there's this whole storyline about this sad man who has this falling out with his daughter.
And his greatest pleasures in life are the comforting home meals, which is like the most rustic meal of all, a big roast chicken. And he's- He always loves the oyster. He loves the oyster.
And then there's that moment where he captures, he reconnects with his daughter, who now has a son. And you see that moment where he gives the grandchild like half of the oyster to share.
And it's- It's so beautiful. And the way Amelie sits next to him in the local pub, pretending not to like know him, even though she's gone and found a little tin box full of like his childhood memories. Oh my gosh, yeah. It's just so beautiful.
And he just talks to her like a complete stranger, not knowing that she's done this for him. And he says, it's time for me to reach out to my daughter before I'm in a box myself.
Wow. So like, and it's that moment that really kicks off the journey for her, where she says, well, that's it. This is how I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna overcome my shyness by helping people on the sly. I'll never meet them, but I will help them.
And yes, it's just, it's just gorgeous.
Before we get to our next movie, one question for you. Did you have an Amelie style haircut ever in your life? No, no. The haircut was one of the biggest things from this movie as well.
It's never gonna work.
Like every girl that tried to cut that fringe too short, it just ends up looking like a child cut your hair. It was a bespoke haircut for one person in this world. Audrey had two in like the year 1999, 2000. That was the one person in history that could have a haircut, but millions of people got it. Millions of people had that haircut.
Oh, did they ever.
Beautiful pick, Miranda. Thank you. Let's go onto your next pick. Another classic.
This is from director Norman Jewison. Rest in peace, he just passed away. So this is in honor of him.
We're talking about Moonstruck. Moonstruck. comedy. Tell me about Moonstruck.
Oh my goodness. When did it first come into your life, this film? Okay, so it was actually a lot, like I didn't grow up with this film. A late discovery then? It was a very late discovery, but I came to it in 2012. Wow. You thought the world was ending.
You're like, I got to get one more great movie on my favorite list. Yes, yes. I was like, oh, you know, I love Cher and love, love the cage. So like, let's give this a shot. Then it became one of my favorite films of all time.
Oh my gosh. I was like, oh man. I was just completely like swooning after this. I was eating pasta. I was singing that's a moray. Like I was just swept up by it all, you know?
Cause again, like speaking of coincidences and things like that, it wasn't it great that they were using the moon to like kind of bring all of these chance meetings to happen and. It evokes the romantic nature that is inherent in life, but more so inherent in art and poetry. I think that's, I mean, this is a really special film. Isn't it? And reading about it, what one thing that surprised me was like almost everybody in the making of this movie, Cher, Danny Aiello, this great ensemble cast.
They all thought they were making a stinker. They all were like, oh, this is going to stink.
She was like, this is, I'm giving the worst performance. And it's so hard to even comprehend that when you're watching this movie.
She, I love her characterization this as the mother, because when you hear about like Italian mama, you're like, oh, she's going to be big. It's going to be this big broad performance. She finds the softness instead of like going for the bigness of the performance and the kind of, you know, there's a bit of melancholy in that character as well, but finds a softness and finds the true sweetness of this kind of person. And it's just beautiful, beautiful performance.
But it's also like, I don't know, like everyone sort of talks about how, you know, rom-coms are about a woman putting their needs second. But the thing that really stood out for me in Moonstruck is that this was a young woman's journey. And it's similar to like my big fat Greek wedding in the sense that it's like, it's a woman's active decision to put herself first.
And that is made evident when she is looking at herself in a shop window. She's got gray hair. And not that there's anything wrong with gray hair, but she's looking at herself and going, you know what?
I deserve to treat myself. I'm going to go and get my hair did. And she just walks straight into that hairdresser and gets herself feeling good and looking great.
And she becomes Cher. She turned back time, literally.
It's true. And I think it is maybe the great make-over moment in a movie because it's self-actualized. It's not someone pushing them into it and someone embracing, you know, that idea of their true essence, like the beauty of themselves.
And the other thing that I think makes this movie terribly unique, like it's not just like this cross-cultural romantic comedy or this exploration of someone's culture through them. I think the other side of it is the comedy aspect. And I think Nicolas Cage in this movie is one of the funniest, biggest swings a romantic comedy performance has ever had because he is wild in this. And Cher had to fight for him to get in here. And I don't think this movie would be as special without Nicolas Cage's performance.
Oh, no. And it's like, he's so operatic at the start, isn't he? Like, I lost my hand, I lost my wife. It's like, he went from zero to 100, like that. And then he starts inventing numbers after that.
Oh my God. Like, but amazingly, like, you know, when you first, like in the very first scene, he appears and you think, oh wow, he's in a completely different film to her. But what's so beautiful about Cher is that she's just taking this all on, you know? And for some strange reason, it works. They have this strange, undeniable chemistry, you know? I love the way you put it because that's how I've always thought about like he's in another film.
And I was trying to figure out while watching it on my most recent time, like, how did they get that to work? Like, how did they get that to work? Because I think it's a really important question because it really does work.
And watching it again was that he is doing a performance that is less, quote unquote, realistic compared to like the naturalism that everyone else is kind of embodying. But the way they're able to meet it is when they're sharing scenes together, they're so play built. And because of that, it's so grounded. Like it's that directorial choice to like go, let's frame this like a play. Let's film this where we're keeping them in the same space. A lot of the time in the same shot. I think that's the ways, like the way they were able to make it work is fully just utilizing filmic technique of like going, if the director's job is the camera's job to bring him into the same room in the same space. Yeah.
But I think it, what also made it work was the fact that he is the kind of guy that's been, who wears his heart on his sleeve and has been hurt. Whereas like- He is that open wound completely. He is that open wound completely.
And she is someone who's never taken that chance.
You know what I mean? She's still deciding whether she's gonna marry the guy she's been courting, right? And seeing Nicolas Cage, seeing her love interest be, put himself out on a limb and express how much he feels about her, was just, it was such a, like it was just such a beautiful moment where you just go, oh man, like you really do need two people, like on two different sides of the street to come together, you know what I mean? For rom-coms to work. And that's why it works. And I gotta say Nicolas Cage, one of my very favorite actors of all time because it feels like he's inventing new stuff. It's like this way of expressing the internal into the external. And I think that's what his secret is basically.
What I need to ask you is I know that you have been working with this great man. I have. You've been making a movie with him called The Surfer. What is it like working with him as an actor?
So surreal, right? So I was over in Western Australia.
I hadn't, so prior to filming, I hadn't met the director, Lorkin Finnegan. Hadn't met Nicolas.
I knew he'd been cast in it. We had all read the trades. We knew he was coming to Australia. We all knew he was coming to Australia.
And so I was just so completely terrified. I was just thinking, oh my God, this is like, this is stuff that people dream about. You know what I mean? It was my first sort of Hollywood experience. And I hadn't been like, no one had warmed me up to it, you know, and said, okay, this is what to expect. This is what to think of. I went in cold. And so it was, yeah, it was just like, and so I was, it was a very out of body experience, but just the ultimate like professional.
Yeah, he seems generous. Was he a generous scene partner? He was extremely generous.
But again, he is that Hollywood actor of a certain time where if your characters are feeling a certain way, then you're gonna stay in that. For like the whole day. So, you know, I came into filming when his character was at the ultimate lowest point of the story. And so he was devastated, right? My character's just a friendly face who's met him before and sees him all bloodied and bruised and sort of saying to him, hey mate, are you all right?
So here I am with like the, you know, the fake car. And I said to the director, Lorkin, should I bring you over and sit you down in the car and give you some water? And he's like, no, I'm not sitting in the car.
And I was like, okay. Yep, sure, Mr. Cage. Like, yep, that's fine.
And so then he gets this quite, he gets this quite devastating phone call and he starts crying. And he is meant to say something before he hangs up. So I'm waiting for him to say his line before I say mine, but he's waiting for me because he's just going off vibes. And so he starts drooling, like he's weeping and then he wipes it all away and he's like, is she gonna talk? And Lorkin steps in and says, no, no, no. You know, like it's your line. And he's like, okay, yeah, but I'm getting emotional here.
And I was like, okay, I'm sorry, I'll come in. And then I went over to Rob Connolly, the producer.
He directed The Dry, which is why he like, I love him so much. He is like one of my biggest advocates and I'm so thankful to him.
And I went over to him and I said, Rob, am I like, am I pissing this guy off? Like, what am I doing wrong? And he's like, no, no, no, like, he's like, no, Miranda, it's okay, like you're giving him everything. You know, it's great, you're doing great. And then I realized like they were moving shots that the biggest part of his like emotional performance was done, but I wasn't sure what they were doing next. And I said, can someone tell me what's happening? And then he comes up to me with a big smile on his face and he says, so basically I'm gonna take that sign that's in the sound, I'm gonna pick it up, hit that guy, and then I'm gonna kick some ass.
I'm in Con Air. Wow. I'm in like, oh. You're in The Rock, you're in Con Air.
Yes. Wow. It was amazing. Wow. He was amazing to watch. Wow.
And just watch, like, it was really hard to stay in character because just to see the fearlessness in it all, you know? He wasn't scared to try something different in every take. He wasn't scared to make an unusual acting choice.
It was beautiful. Do you think that's something that has inspired you, like in future acting endeavors? 100%, like, it's something I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life. Wow. It might not be a big deal for a lot of, you know, for a lot of people in Hollywood, but for me, it was huge. Wow. Well, he's in one of your favorite movies. And he is, yeah. Yeah. Far out. Oh my God, what a great insight into Cage. It's hard to even imagine him being a human because you're just like, he is one of those actors, he's one of those movie stars, and he's one of the few that we use both of those terms interchangeably, where it's like, he's an actor, he's a movie star, both of them are serious aspects to his persona, and he's the way that we see him. Oh, the other thing that I loved him even more was that his makeup artist of 30 years is Native American. Wow.
Yeah, so I was like, you are the best, you're a legend. He's the real deal, man. He's the real deal.
Wow, well, that's Moonstruck, one of the great romantic comedies. And we have come to that point where the sweat will start pouring from my brow once more. Yes. Staff pick. Well, I've picked out a movie for you, and I did, I used all three movies, and I've used your taste, I've used the way we've been talking about romantic comedies. I want to find you a romantic comedy that I find to be unsung, and probably kind of the same way that you talked about Moonstruck was a later discovery for me after being absolutely in love with that genre for a long time. This is pretty much a contemporary to Moonstruck. This is a film from 1988. Yes. And the other things I took from Moonstruck was I think that this is a great cross-cultural romantic comedy as well, and it's a New York romantic comedy too.
What I took from The Holdovers and Armily is I think that this is, to me, the richness of this film is in the details. It's all in like these details, a film that lives and grows in those details. So this is a film by a filmmaker called Joan Micklin-Silver, who is a filmmaker I hadn't really heard of until she passed away a few years ago, and I saw this beautiful outpouring of love for her online, and this was the film that came up the most.
It's called Crossing Delancey. Comedy.
Have you ever heard of this film? I have, but I haven't seen it. Okay, thank God. Thank God you haven't seen it.
I would take this as- You absolutely got me. Yes, okay, thank goodness. I watched every film that's ever existed. But I got you with one. You got me with this. I truly believe you will love this movie like as much as I have.
It's about a 30-something Jewish woman played by Amy Irving, an actress I just love, and seeing her in a lead role in this, you go, why was she not given more big roles like this? She has this tiny, small apartment on the west side of New York, of Manhattan, and she goes to spend time with her grandmother on the lower east side of Manhattan. Her grandmother's trying to set her up with all these nice Jewish guys, but she's one of those people that's in between two worlds, this old-school Jewish diaspora that she lives in with her grandmother, and the kind of matchmaking of all of that, and she has these ambitions of becoming a big publisher. She works in these bookstores and this publishing world, and she's having an affair with this famous author from Europe who is really cosmopolitan, continental, really exciting, but he's married, and then she starts this relationship with this guy Anton, who is the opposite of that.
He's in her Jewish diaspora, and he's a pickle man. He makes pickles, and in the world of the film from the 1980s, that's kind of seen as like this, it's like, oh, he's this pickle man. He smells like pickles all the time, but then when you see the details of him brining these pickles with these big buckets on the street that he's brining in this store, you're like, oh my God, this is artisan. Now you're like, this is the hottest man in the world with his pickling hands and pickling stuff, but it's just like that idea of, for me, I'm a children of migrants, and I just go, oh, that is the perfect way to show the way of being between two worlds and stuck in a diaspora, but having to be modern and all that kind of stuff.
It's really beautiful. I think you will love this movie. Oh my God, am I gonna cry? You might, I think you'll cry watching this movie, because it's just lovely and unctuous and beautiful.
I'll tell you the moment, it's also really funny and really lovely, but the moment that kind of got me with this, and to me, it kind of is in that same space of armily or the holdovers where you're getting insight into someone's life or an insight into a place. There is this moment where you experienced New York in such an evocative way, where she's just with a friend, they go into this hot dog stand that's really popular, kind of like a Grey's Papaya or something, one of those popular hot dog places, and it's like so noisy, like there's someone with a boombox in there. You're seeing the hot dogs get shoveled into these buns and loaded up, but then someone just wafts in, like this really big, eccentric woman. She puts down a bucket for change and money and just starts singing the song One Enchanted Moment or One Enchanted Evening, and just sings it, and it comes alive because everything else stops and fades, and you just start focusing on this person. She's in and she's out, but she touches the whole movie, and it's just kind of like that idea of like, when you're in New York or something, that shit happens, and it just captures that exact moment, and then the meaning from Amy Irving watching her and just being like, wow, this is someone living an eccentric true life, and you get swept up into the magic of that, and you're just like, that is unbelievable, and it's like that idea of something that's surreal, but putting it in the natural world, and like, how does that actually work? Oh, that's so gorgeous.
That's another thing we haven't talked about, right? The way music is used, right? Like, it's just so, it's just different to so many other genres in terms of, you know, so much of the music is used to say everything that the characters aren't saying, and, oh, man.
I hope you love this pick. It'll be so good. This is a lovely combo. You've got Crossing the Lands, here's your start pick recommendation. You've got the new release, The Holdovers, great movie, Moonstruck, and Amelie as your weeklies.
Miranda Tapsell, thank you for joining me in the last video store. Thank you for creating this space for me to nerd out. I really appreciate it.
Wow, and Top End Wedding, people should catch up with it in time for its spinoff, Top End Barb. Yes, please. And when can we expect Top End Barb?
Like, it's being, it's kind of in production right now. It is, yes. Yeah, so the Barb is cooking. Yes, it is.
Yeah, so nine months, that's my guess, gestation period. I can't wait, so we'll keep our eyes peeled for it. Keep your eyes peeled.
Thank you so much. Dude, Miranda, you're the best, dude. Thank you, thank you, thank you for joining me. Well, to no surprise to anybody, what a freaking delight it was to have Miranda Tapsell to be our new member of the last video store. And what wicked, wonderful, lovely pic, some of the best rom-coms ever with Moonstruck.
If you want to see that, it is on Amazon for you to stream. If you want to see Amelie, of course, it is on Stan. And the Holdovers, a new release right now. You can rent it on VOD wherever you want. And my little bespoke pick-the-stuff-pick recommendation this week was the film from Joan Micklin Silver, Crossing to Lancey, a very under-seen gem, like truly one of my favorite movies that I've discovered in the last few years. And that is available to rent or buy on iTunes or VOD channels, and totally worth it.
Especially if you are someone that was getting all those romantic comedy feelings listening to this episode and wanting to dive further, it is such an easy, sweet, lovely recommendation for you. So thank you to Miranda Tapsell for being on the podcast and I'm also gonna give a shout out to Top End Wedding. Take this as your chance to see it and then get stuck into Top End bub when it comes out, when it is ready for us to meet it. I cannot wait, personally, like that was probably the greatest joy of this podcast is hearing a little bit about that. I'm so excited.
Until next time, you can find this show on YouTube at the Battuta Advocate YouTube channel. You can get this podcast on all of those podcast apps of your weird choice. And I'm gonna give you a little opportunity to be a full-fledged member of The Last Video Store. If you give us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts or leave a comment on our YouTube videos or even on Instagram, if you wanna DM us an audio message with your new release pic, your two weeklies, I'll be looking through those and I'm gonna give you a staff pic recommendation. That's right, to your taste. After all, you are a member of The Last Video Store as well. And I wanna help you explore, I wanna help you through that journey into film and this is the only way I know how to do it. So hit us up on Instagram DM, hit us up on YouTube comments, hit us up on your Apple Podcast review and I'll get you that bespoke customized recommendation eventually.
Yeah, well, I hope you love this pic. It'll be so good. This is a lovely combo. You've got Crossing The Lands, here's your staff pic recommendation. You've got the new release, The Holdovers, great movie, Moonstruck and Amelie as your weeklies.
Miranda Tapsell, thank you for joining me in The Last Video Store. Thank you for creating this space for me to nerd out. I really appreciate it.
And Top End Wedding, people should catch up with it in time for its spinoff Top End, Barb. Yes, please. And when can we expect Top End, Barb?
Like it's being, it's kind of in production right now. It is, yes. Yeah, so the Barb is cooking. Yes, it is.
Yeah, so nine months, that's my guess, gestation period. I can't wait, so we'll keep our eyes peeled for it. Keep your eyes peeled, thank you so much.
Dude, Miranda, you're the best, dude. Thank you, thank you, thank you for joining me. Well, to no surprise to anybody, what a freaking delight it was to have Miranda Tapsell to be our new member of The Last Video Store. And what wicked, wonderful, lovely pick, some of the best rom-coms ever with Moonstruck.
If you want to see that, it is on Amazon for you to stream. If you want to see Amelie, of course, it is on Stan. And The Holdovers, a new release right now. You can rent it on VOD wherever you want. And my little bespoke pick, the staff pick recommendation this week was the film from Joan Micklin Silver, Crossing to Lancey. A very under-seen gem, like truly one of my favorite movies that I've discovered in the last few years. And that is available to rent or buy on iTunes or VOD channels and totally worth it.
Especially if you are someone that was getting all those romantic comedy feelings listening to this episode and wanting to dive further, it is such an easy, sweet, lovely recommendation for you. So thank you to Miranda Tapsell for being on the podcast. And I'm also going to give a shout out to Top End Wedding. Take this as your chance to see it and then get stuck into Top End Bub when it comes out, when it is ready for us to meet it. I cannot wait personally. Like that was probably the greatest joy of this podcast is hearing a little bit about that. I'm so excited.
Until next time, you can find this show on YouTube at the Betuda Advocate YouTube channel. You can get this podcast on all of those podcast apps of your weird choice. And I'm gonna give you a little opportunity to be a full-fledged member of the last video store. If you give us a five star review on Apple Podcasts or leave a comment on our YouTube videos or even on Instagram if you wanna DM us, an audio message with your new release pic, your two weeklies, I'll be looking through those and I'm gonna give you a staff pic recommendation. That's right, to your taste. After all, you are a member of the last video store as well and I wanna help you explore. I wanna help you through that journey into film and this is the only way I know how to do it. So hit us up on Instagram DM, hit us up on YouTube comments, hit us up on your Apple Podcast review and I'll get you that bespoke, customized recommendation eventually. So let's do it, babe. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_International_Drug_Trade | To help you understand how dangerous narcotics operations have persisted, despite decades of bold efforts to completely mishandle the product, we now present the Onion Explained, the drug trade. In order to get their product to the 25 million users of illicit drugs in the United States, cartels require an efficient and low-risk smuggling system. And so the thousands of tons of drugs entering the U.S. each year are all transported inside the body of a single courier named Greg. Once a year, the world's drug cartels are believed to gather in an enormous warehouse somewhere in Latin America, where Greg will swallow approximately 100 million drug-filled condoms. Once Greg ingests the drugs, he boards a commercial airliner bound for the U.S., first having to pass through airport security without arousing suspicion. All told, the DEA estimates that 1,800 tons of cocaine alone are packed inside Greg's digestive tract, along with approximately 400 tons of methamphetamine and 500 tons of pure heroin. These figures suggest that every illegal drug currently being sold or used in the United States has passed through Greg's anus.
Though everyday Latin Americans are concerned about the abundance of illicit drugs, most are willing to put up with them, for the benefits of having cartels wage constant bloody war in the streets. The vast majority of people in drug manufacturing regions, such as Mexico and Central America, realize that the murder and kidnappings they enjoy every day are only possible because of the profits from these illegal substances. Unfortunately, the carnage just can't be sustained without them. The war on drugs has been waged through traditional law enforcement measures, but the cartels remain as powerful as ever. Experts increasingly say that the only solution is to eliminate the demand for illegal drugs by instead getting buzzed on common household products, like cough syrup. Not only do items such as nail polish remover and model glue get you ripped if you really breathe that shit in, they also help shrink the market for cartel drugs. Cartels would stand to lose billions, if even a third of the people using their cocaine or methamphetamine instead huffed Freon, which will knock you right on your ass just as quickly. It's easy to get by cracking open an air conditioner. In fact, if enough people realize that keyboard cleaner will put you in a fucking insane trance, and that it's just sitting there right now in your desk drawer, the costly war on drugs could very well end tomorrow. |
dropout | xbox_achievements | What the devil's going on here, soldiers? You're a fighter, so you're a goddamn shot! We're waiting for our opportunity, Sarge! Opportunities? This place is crawling with the bastards! You think any shot of your kids?
Sir, yes, sir! I said fire it well! All I can get is a single kill right now, Sarge. Well, then you take it! Single kill's for noon, sir!
We're going for the trifecta! The trifecta? Yeah, that's the one where you get three of them with just one bullet!
It's one of the hardest achievements, sir! Achievements? We're overrunning every front! And you are achievements?
Don't worry, Sarge, I got one right here! Damn, I missed all three! God damn it, soldiers! We're outnumbered with more on the way! You take any kill you can get! There's one now! Kill him! I already got poor Blake, Williams! Yeah, me too. Hey, baby, Tarver needs it! Oh, shit! Oh, you know what? I don't have poor Blake!
Williams is dead for fuck's sake! He's dead! Sarge!
I was gonna knife him! Knife addict! I don't give a shit about your knife addiction, you hear me?
Now come on, our guys are dying out there! Let's go! Let's make our country proud, come on! You got it, Sarge! Get some! Yes! That was an abandoned barn, motherfucker! Barn burner! Sarge, there's a hot bath over here! Happy fuck we did it! This is it, soldiers! They're right on top of us! We gotta go out!
Man, I can't believe neither one of you have a bow and arrow. I'm going for wing blade here. I got a blowtorch, does that help? I got fire piss in last battle.
Oh yeah, like that was hard. What is that supposed to mean?
You're just jealous because you couldn't even get a prom queen. I got a prom queen in my second battle, motherfucker!
I'm going to hide right now. |
dropout | crazy_woman_ruins_manners_show | Good evening ladies and welcome and welcome to all of you. Now this evening we are going to learn how to set the formal dining table and as there is much to learn and discover let us begin as we so often do with a toast. To the good life, I didn't know you could drink on this show, I did not know you could drink on this show. We start with what many consider the most important plate of all and that is the charger or service plate.
This sits immediately in front of each pair two inches from the edge of the table. Does it always have to be two inches or is it something that... Indeed it does, that is the established... I'm kidding because it's not like I always have a ruler on me. Which lies across the soup spoon at an angle of 45 degrees.
So from the plates, let us move to the glassware. We start with the largest of the glasses, the water glass.
This is fucking good by the way. This wine is amazing. We did not actually leave wine out.
How did I get this? Now let us move on to the correct... I'm sorry. It's quite all right, it's quite all right. Then we move out to one more part, the dessert spoon and the dessert fork. I'm trying to learn to, I'm trying to have a good time. Hello. Yes. We're going to get any bread or anything. No, I'm afraid not. There we go. You've got it beautifully.
Thank you, Duncan. Two inches from the edge of the table. He is gorgeous. The shape of the soup spoon bowl rather than peel on the edge of the table. Duncan, I'm sorry I got my makeup all over your grandma's napkin. Now you recall I asked you to put the smallest of them on.
I saw a mouse! What kind of place is this?
Sir Duncan.
Now, before we complete the service, we must place the glasses. The largest of the glasses. You have the largest.
I'm a fucking girl, you bastard. I just know my feet stink. Perhaps you don't have many formal dinners. Perhaps you don't know what you're fucking talking about. I'm sorry.
She's never done coke, don't worry, I bet she never kissed a girl either, did you?
More like a kid. I'm making a joke, you fucking bitches. Well, I said that the forks are full. I know you fucking bitches like me. Sorry, I got all over your pussy and all over your legs. Both of my kids were standing there when their grandma got torn apart by that truck. Fuck off me.
The placement of the dinner napkin. Sorry, I hit my head. I found my keys, though. Again, to the right of the water. Again, you can be behind me while I suck your fountains. That, ladies, and our friends at home, is how one properly sets a table for a formal dining... Shut the fuck up. |
dropout | our_most_embarrassing_phone_fails_ask_ch | The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me with my phone happened when I was 16 and I was going to a concert with my new friends who were the bad kids. Now, something you should know about me, I'm a great driver. I've never been pulled over, I've never had an accident, I've never touched another car with my car. I'm great, but that's not cool. And I've got this car full of bad kids that I'm trying to look cool in front of. I'm not going to drive unsafe, so I explain to them, you know, I'm driving this way because I've had so many speeding tickets that if I get one more, they're going to take my license away. So as I'm recounting the wonderful stories of my crimes, I didn't realize I had butt-dialed my mom who was listening to the whole thing, who calls me back a minute later and says, Grant, you're grounded.
You can't have the car. You're a terrible driver and now I know that.
And to this day, I've never told her the truth because there's nothing more embarrassing than lying to look cool for your high school friends.
I might still be grounded from that. So my most embarrassing moment with my phone was actually at my last job where I worked with a lot of stuffy lawyers. But the great perk of that job was that I got to work from home.
I would be on these long conference calls where I wouldn't say a word. I would just sit there in silence for two hours with the phone on mute and do pretty much whatever I wanted.
My go-to was to just practice my base.
And one day on a call, we were well into hour two and my boss out of nowhere asked me a question, at which point I was just in the middle of just shredding. So I panicked, pressed the phone off mute and answered the question. I didn't really answer the question. I just kind of mumbled through some jargon that I'd learned. And then Amelia just went right back just shredding as hard as I could for about 20 to 30 seconds before I realized that I was off mute. And then once I finally realized it, I said out loud, oh no, and pressed mute again. No one said anything, but after the call, my boss called me.
I'm like, great, here it is. This is my reckoning.
We kind of debrief from the call. And at the end, he's like, cool, all right, were you playing bass at the end there? I said, yeah, I'm really sorry. That was very embarrassing. There was a couple seconds of silence and he goes, that was awesome, man.
We should get together and jam sometime. And then I kind of joined his band.
When phones first got cameras on them, I did what everybody immediately did, which was I wanted to take a nudie pic of myself. Not that I had anyone to share it with, I thought maybe down the line if I do, I'll have it ready to go. So I got a skimpy little outfit, like my one thong that I had, got my pose down perfect, which was the showing the butt cheeks with the back facing the mirror and then the head looking over and a nice like flash. It was a beautiful shot. I took about 20 to 30 pictures to get it just right.
And then I decided to do absolutely nothing with it.
So years go by and I decide, hey, I want a new profile picture. So I was scrolling through my old photos. And as I'm scrolling down, I rediscover my nudie butt pic. And it's very, very tiny. And I'm like, what did my butt look like? So totally forgetting what I was doing, I clicked on the picture and it instantly popped up as my profile picture.
And I was paralyzed with shock and I was trying to hit buttons, but nothing was working. I was able to finally delete it. But then after that, I just lived in a state of total paranoia.
Like I knew somebody saw it. I know to this day someone saw it. Someone watching this right now knows exactly the story, exactly what I'm talking about. I know you're out there. I know you've seen my butt and I'm sorry. |
dropout | go_to_college_music_video_with_first_lady_michelle_obama | What are you gonna do after high school? Hmm, I don't know. Just hang out, I guess. Hang out?
Well, for everything else, you should go to college. They be building robots, build bridges, commute, you can get your walk on. Be a math major, hop a moon crater, be a national, be up in the sky like a baby. Finance is in science, but you still need a degree.
Archaeology is trying to mean we're not astrology. No, no, no. Southside Chicago, we all know we had to do overtime every night to make it tomorrow. And everyone can really make their dream true. Hey kid, listen in to Michigan, that could be you. Well, a dream is just a dream to let you go, huh? I'll stop, put it in time, it's a blow-char. Naturally, it won't happen magically, but you can change fantasy into reality so dramatically.
If you wanna fight crime, you should go to college. If you wanna write round for your head with knowledge. If you wanna stare at grass, don't go to college. But for everything else, you should go to college.
Better make room. We coming. We applying. That paper is not getting thrown in the garden.
You go to college. I said college. You know they always follow the finger. College. Go. |
TheOnion | Most_Children_Not_In_Favor_Of_Child_Healthcare | While Congress debates how to provide health insurance for America's 9 million uninsured children, a surprising study released today finds the vast majority of children do not want health care. Joining us now is the study's director, Gerald Fisher. Tell us about this study, Mr. Fisher. We surveyed over 2,000 children and found that across the board they were strongly opposed to doctors' visits, vaccination programs, and essentially every health care service some politicians are saying government coverage should provide. Now we're seeing those survey results here. You asked the simple question, would you like to go to the doctor more? The majority of respondents shrieked no. Right.
Leave me alone. Don't make me go.
They were extremely passionate on the issue. I see. Now why do you think they feel so strongly about this? Well, it's clear these children are worried that increased government funding for health insurance is a slippery slope to socialized health care. So you're saying this is a political issue for them? And a moral one. When we ask them if they see universal health care as an unfair burden to certain taxpayers and would they like a lollipop, almost all children said yes. Really? This obviously comes as a blow to politicians who've been calling for universal child health care coverage. No, exactly.
After the results of your study, the majority of senators are backing a bill that will cut all public funding for children's hospitals. It would close approximately 9,000 of the outdated unwanted facilities.
Now have you heard any response to this announcement from the children themselves? Absolutely. The kids are thrilled, Andrea. They're saying, goody, I want to go home, unplug me, I want to go to grandma's or the movies. Basically, they'd rather be anywhere but in those hospitals. And it looks like they're going to get their wish. That's great to hear. |
SaturdayNightLive | walk_the_plank_saturday_night_live | Unhand Me. when her Majesty hears of this, there'll be a high price on all your heads. Unhand Me, he says. Do you hear that, men? Well, I'm handy, all right. Well, I'm handy Over to you, Maker. hang him from the yard arm. drop off his head. I'm not cruel with your sword. No, no, Mate, he's over too quick. as he's dying.
I want him to have plenty of time to remember, well, the name of Captain Kidd. I say's, he walks the plank. the plank! plenty of time. Captain, that's a pretty long plank there. Aye, it's long, all right. long enough for him to rule the day. He crossed Captain Kidd.
Die, English scum.
That's right. keep walking. say hello to Davy Jones for me. keep walking. keep walking. keep walking. Yeah, that's a really long plank there. Aye, it gives him time to think. what do you suppose he's thinking about? probably where the hell the end of the plank is. is he still out there? Oh, is he still out there when he's walking to a watery grave? Keep walking. keep walking.
Ah, man, he's not even a third of the way down yet, Captain. Hey, Captain, couldn't he just jump off the side or something? No, no, he's going to walk all the way down. that's just the way it's done.
Damn, that's a long plank. you said that already. I know, but it is really a long plank. where the hell did you even get a piece of wood that long? Ah, do you want to discuss carpentry?
Or do you want to watch that scurvy dog die? Hey, scurvy dog!
How does it feel to be standing at the end of the plank? Oh, I'm still a very long way from the end. I can't even see him anymore. at this rate, he's going to make it safely to shore. there's no need to be sarcastic. hey, Captain, why don't I just go out there and shoot him? Ah, what's the point of that? Okay, how about this? I take this saw, I'll run down there and get ahead of him and cut the plank a little shorter. Ah, that Caribbean sailor will hate that. anymore talk like that. And you're all walking the plank. any other plank and that'd be a hell of a threat, but I could live a long, full life walking down to the end of this thing. something just fell out of my pocket.
Eat!
I just thought, you know, with a longer plank, it would be a whole lot more excruciating. this is just unacceptable. Well, what am I supposed to do about it now? wait, wait, wait. I think, oh, yeah, I think he's fallen. nah, he's just lying down for a nap. Argh! Well, I expect the lads are a little tired. you're not softening on now, are you, Captain? well, I kind of am. that's an extremely long plank. I tell you what. stomping. why don't you run out there and bring him some lunch? |
dropout | how_hollywood_ruins_relationships_with_kristen_connolly | Oh sweet, we should get to the theater if we want to get tickets. Oh, no, no, it's fine. I ordered them online. I'm that excited about this movie. Me too.
The White House Under Attack, a former Secret Service agent to the rescue. Played by bad-ass Gerard Butler. You're enchanting Tatum.
White House Down? No, no, I got tickets for Olympus' Fall in. Wait, you'd rather see White House Down? You wouldn't?
Hey, so what? We like different movies with similar plots that come out at the same time. I guess we're not a perfect match. You know what? Maybe I will like this movie.
Morgan Freeman is in it. Oh my god, so awesome in Deep Impact. That movie's great. Well, not as great as Armageddon. You like Deep Impact more than Armageddon.
I thought you knew. Who do you think you've been dating the last year? Somebody who liked ants more than a bug's life. Oh, baby, you were serious.
I didn't mean it. Peter, don't.
I need some time to think about things. About us. Look, let's just relax and we'll go back to my apartment finding Nemos on Netflix and... Wow. You're like a shark sail. Who are you?
Hey, you need to stop looking for Mr. Wright and start looking for Mr. Wright. Now I'll watch The Illusionist instead of The Prestige. Well, I just, I always had this perfect vision growing up that I'd meet a guy and we both want to watch Volcano more than Dante's Peak. Infamous, more than Capote. When you meet this guy, give me those directions to Fantasyland. Chris likes the thin red line more than Saving Private Ryan. Forget her, dude. She's probably the kind of kid who prefers United 93 to World Trade Center. It wasn't like that, man.
Bissell cheer you up. Meet Jade. She's got a strip tease for you. She's so much better than showgirls.
I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't.
Come on, bro! I was ecstatic when Christina set us up. I've been wanting to see this for weeks. Oh, me too, I guess. Ellie! Peter, what are you doing here? Fine. You're right. I like no strings attached and you like friends with benefits. I'm from mission to Mars and you're from the Red Planet. But, darn it, I'd prefer you to any other girl I met that came out within the same early season. Go to him. I hate it. Hey, if you like this video, click me to subscribe. This movie. Me too.
The White House Under Attack. A former Secret Service agent to the rescue.
Played by Badass Gerard Butler. And Channing Tatum.
White House Down? No, I got tickets for Olympus' Fall in. Wait, you'd rather see White House Down? You wouldn't?
Hey, so what? We like different movies with similar plots that come out at the same time. I guess we're not a perfect match. You know what? Maybe I will like this movie.
Morgan Freeman is in it. Oh my god. So awesome in Deep Impact. That movie's great.
Well, not as great as Armageddon. You like Deep Impact more than Armageddon.
I thought you knew. Who do you think you've been dating the last year? Uh, somebody who liked ants more than a bug's life? Oh, baby, you were serious.
I didn't mean it. Peter, don't.
I need some time to think about things. About us. Look, let's just relax and we'll go back to my apartment, finding Nemos on Netflix.
Wow. You're like a shark's tail. Who are you?
Hey, you need to stop looking for Mr. Right and start looking for Mr. Right now. I'll watch The Illusionist instead of The Prestige. Well, I just, I always had this perfect vision growing up that I'd meet a guy and we'd both want to watch Volcano, more than Dante's Peak. Infamous, more than Capote. When you meet this guy, give me those directions to Fantasyland. Chris likes the thin red line more than Saving Private Ryan. Forget her, dude. She's probably the kind of kid who prefers United 93 to World Trade Center. It wasn't like that, man.
Bissell cheer you up. Meet Jade. She's got a strip tease for you. So much better than Showgirl.
I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't.
Come on, bro! I was ecstatic when Christina set us up. I've been wanting to see this for weeks. Oh, me too, I guess. Ellie! Peter, what are you doing here? Fine. You're right. I like no strings attached and you like friends with benefits. I'm from Mission to Mars and you're from the Red Planet. But darn it, I prefer you to any other girl I met that came out within the same early season. Go to him. I hated it. Hey, if you like this video, click me to subscribe. Yeah! I broke it. |
cracked | 5_movie_product_placements_the_brands_must_have_hated | by product placement and Hey clear thank God 11 All right, please man, you have to board the plane is ready to leave so we just make sure everyone gets on come on Don't worry, man. We'll get everybody on the We have to close up here. They're ready to go. He dropped his boarding pass. It's playing kidly It's happened to be last year enormous record Christmas. You're sure your family's on this flight Yeah, my dad right in here worth the fall bumps into this lady board him It's better with a kid Excuse me, where's the lobby down the hall and to the left? It's a freakin spaceship you go get insurance on a freakin spaceship good luck with that buddy your car, huh Sweetie hand me my alien gun A road diverges in the desert Lexus Road you're on John. Anderton is the one Hey guys the next live episode of the crack podcast is happening March 11th 7 p.m. With UCB sunset theater There will be a link to where to buy tickets somewhere on this screen This month's theme is the best fictional locations to visit take a vacation to do you want to go to Gotham? Cabot Cove, Maryland for murder. She wrote none of those probably we'll have good answers. Hope to see you then |
dropout | should_you_buy_a_romper | What were you thinking? I thought it'd be cute. Cute?
Bet you're pushing 30. Technically right now, I'm forever 21. You're right. Rompers are for toddlers and Beyonce. You look fine as fuck. Hello, Beyonce. More like Blue Ivy. Okay, sure, yeah.
It's a little childish, but in like a sexy way. Like pigtails. Pretty sure pigtails are just for kindergartners and porn stars.
Fashion is all about owning it. Do you know the most stylish thing you can wear? Please don't say crop top. Crop top.
Confidence. Ah. You look like a snake that just ate. No problem. There's a drawstring. It's like a belt. But bunchier. Look at your legs. And you're 180 degree wedgie. Camel toe is the new under butt. Ew. It's definitely not. Look, when is the last time that you bought something that you were really excited about? Oh, I got this pair of jeans with an elastic waist. Exactly. You need a little fun in your closet. How are you supposed to pee in this monstrosity? Honestly, I feel like I could just do it out on one of the legs.
Oops. Nope. Whatever. I don't know.
Just go into the stall and get naked. It'll be fun. So free. So summer. Until someone barges in on you with your tits out scrolling through Instagram. Don't listen to her.
You look dynamite. Don't look like dynamite. You look like a grenade. You look like a girl at Kachua. Oh, actually I do agree because the way the fabric hangs, it looks like you're passed out on the floor of a porta potty.
It's casual. It's low maintenance. Except you need someone to guard the bathroom door while you free the nipple just to piss. Fashion is about making a statement. In this case, that'd be my boyfriend's gonna hate this. Don't dress to impress a man. So I'll just dress to impress other women. There's nothing intimidating about that idea. Look, rompers are awesome, okay? It's like wearing a skirt, but when you're on the subway, your pussy doesn't touch the seat.
I did it. I overcame all the insecurity that goes into making a new fashion choice. Well, fuck. You can't return that. I know. I ripped the tag off. No.
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more videos.
Or don't click at all. I don't give a fu- I do. I give many fucks. Please click. |
TheOnion | Embarrassed_Steven_Chu_Accidentally_Calls_Barack_Obama_Dad_In_Cabinet_Meeting | A new law prohibits kaleidoscoping while driving, the nation's 90-somethings gear up for the last year of their lives, and Vice President Joe Biden puts up a flyer advertising guitar lessons on a White House bulletin board. You may now stop the continuous playback loop of the previous review and begin playing this video 24 hours a day at full volume. Welcome to The Onion Week in Review. From coast to coast and town to town, in nearly every public meeting space and private residence, millions of Americans have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases even moved to tears by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. All signs that the nation has undeniably been swept up in full-scale Romney mania. The raw energy and enthusiasm of Romney, coupled with his uplifting story of rising from moderate wealth to overwhelming riches, are just some of the reasons reverent portraits of the former Massachusetts governor have started appearing in windows across the country, often accompanied by one of Romney's signature inspirational phrases, such as let Detroit go bankrupt or corporations are people. Additionally, radio stations from every major market have reported being bombarded day and night by callers wishing to publicly express their adoration of the candidate. When he says raising taxes for the rich is class warfare, it's like he's speaking directly to me. I waited like 12 hours to hear how he'd reversed his stance on universal health care. It was incredible. Mitt, I love you! This recent message from Mitt Romney's Twitter feed has already been retweeted more than 150 million times.
A month after the death of leader Kim Jong-il, North Korea's 24.5 million citizens have returned to their regular daily routines this week, holding a festive synchronized disco jump rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square. Life in the hermetic communist nation is reportedly beginning to normalize following the protracted mourning period, with citizens once again donning their brightly colored uniforms and performing intricate gymnastics routines in perfect unison. It is an inspiring sight to see so many loyal citizens find the strength to unfurl their long silken streamers and do dozens of tandem backflips set to dance music. Observers reported that new North Korean leader Kim Jong-un nodded once in approval of the disco jump rope gala, signaling an official transfer of power.
The nation was once again wowed this week by the feats of very strong little boy Michael Sartinsky, who after removing his t-shirt to better display his impressive physique, deadlifted an entire frozen turkey over his head and held it aloft for three full seconds. The latest demonstration of the pint-sized muscle man's almost inhuman abilities comes on the heels of multiple accomplishments involving incredible displays of speed, strength, and endurance. Over the past four months alone, Sartinsky cleared the three-foot chasm between his brother's bed and his own, beat his fully-grown uncle Scott in a foot race, and threw a tennis ball clear onto the roof of his two-story house.
And this week in science news, a coalition of researchers has come together to say that one-third of the world's population has to die for civilization to be sustainable, adding, quote, how do we want to do this? And in other news, an embarrassed Secretary of Energy Steven Chu accidentally calls Barack Obama dead in a cabinet meeting. The world's greatest trombonist just tells people he works in marketing. And a Ron Paul supporter likes the way the GOP candidate tells it like it has no chance of being. Listen, did you hear that? It's the sound of your sheep-like video plays being turned into advertising dollars. Pure music. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | bookstore_saturday_night_live | I will not stop until we find this. Okay, wait. Boom Square. Oh. hello. welcome inside here today. I am not good at talking sometimes. I'm sorry. hi. well, please have what we want. we've been to every bookstore. well, we certainly have some stuff. what you looking for? a Ferrari calendar. you ladies into cars? No, but we're into the frickin'' hot guys that pose next to them. Ferrari calendars have the hottest guys, and if we don't get our hands on one, our asses will explode. Whoa. I don't want to clean that up. they're right over there. Oh, my god. Danielle, it's a frickin'' Ferrari calendar. Dude, when I see these guys. we have to play it real cool or our whole asses are gonna explode. Oh, I hope they do. Here we go. January, are you ready?
God, I feel like I need to put lipstick on. Okay. look how frickin' gorgeous this guy is. Oh, God. he is exactly my type. so much attitude. square jaw. dark glasses. white sneakers. fitted light jeans. ruled above the shoe. half his mouth covered by his popped up collar. yellow teeth. God, kiss me now. Kiss me.
I can't take it.
Okay, let's go to June. I want to see my birthday monthly. All right. I have got to find out where this model is and go to his house. I love how he's pretending to laugh while pouring soda into his mouth with attitude. Come on. white red hair. black eyebrows and a dent in his forehead. slightly crossed eyes. long fingernails. short legs. Oof. hello. yeah, those can come in handy. let's go to September. Yeah. come on. Oh, now this one's the boyfriend type. Okay, my mom would be like, finally a guy with huge knees. tiny shoulders and an inexplicable point coming out of his head. um, don't leave out that he has a tiny purple newborn baby neck.
I noticed.
May.
Oh, my God. this is my dream guy. he has got kid from the Streets attitude. long stringy, flowing shiny ear lobes. six inch waist. a vertical belly button. huge, beautiful blue, triangle shaped eyes. No. No. just holes. Oh. did you notice the adorable tiny foot coming straight out of his butt?
Oh, did I? hello? yeah. ladies, are you going to buy the calendar? Or just look at it? just look at it. Okay, that's fine for the way I say it today. What is wrong with me? Okay, look.
I don't know about you, but I don't even know if I can handle having this calendar in my home. I know. my ass would explode all over the house. we are pining after perfection we will never find. never. I hear December lives around here. what? God. Oh! oh! whoa. cool sunglasses, pepperoni nipples, a bright red wizard's hat. Oh, my God. And look at those spaghetti legs and pilgrim shoes. it's him!
Want to go for a spin? Pepperoni nipples. Oh! oh! let's bead. Today, now. Darn it! our lives are going to change! And I'm ready to take the chance! |
dropout | dreadlord_s_new_sidekick | I don't want some stupid power struggle until we learn who outranks the other let's just stay out of each other's way yeah but more like you stay out of my way here he is ma'am doug sir the trooper who aided the escape of the wayfinder in seven big lizards have him bound and shot into the farthest corner of space oh man no no have him freed and kept as close as possible really this idiot blew a hole in the wall and you want him kept as close as possible yes fine i don't care you can have this one nice point dreadlord don't call it a comeback just let me do my job good job for you out it's assault whoa so tired of you to save me like that dl good guy i totally owe you one nah hey did you really fire a hole through the wall yeah disintegration rain that is so cool thank you that's what i've been saying you wouldn't want to go play with some experimental weapons in the engineering day would you i've been waiting my whole life for somebody to ask me that uh come on let's go as you can see ma'am we are nearly complete with your bot initiative but without the orb we won't be able to watch is it now relax we're here to play with some guns oh this is the bot army man i didn't realize he was done sick it's not done not without the orb cool this one has kung fu grip what well i'm happy to see you approve of at least some of my work your work yes i am the mastermind behind the bot army plan yeah well it shows shoddy craftsmanship over here oh look at this only three types of lasers so cool it's the best oh sir please don't shut up nerd not like a rocket scientist holy shit i am so sorry unless it turns out i'm your superior in which case i'm furious you bled all over my ship i don't have time for you engineers my apologies for having my arms so rudely cut off as i was saying our number one priority until such time as the orb is retrieved is finishing our work on the exo frame for the bots whoa whoa whoa i think that i as our supreme general should be setting our number one priority do you really you don't even have a plan i have a plan it's uh that's it your plan is big let me finish uh big done that's my plan we've done that before when constantly the interstellar legion has built dozens of stations each time bigger than the last and always failed a weapon that can only ever be in one place at one time is a terrible way to rule a galaxy-wide oligarchy how will your big gun be any different mine will be even bigger that's quite big a gun that big might do the trick wait this is idiotic we don't need our best engineers distracted by another stupid big gun do you supersede the orders of the general director on this matter it remains unclear very well then we shall commence work on both plans at once hell yeah get back to work you nerds i am so sorry unless i'm your superior everyone else back to work and you if you want to see how dug and i get ourselves out of this mess well you'll have to go to dropout.tv oh and if you're angry about having to pay for the things you enjoy then maybe you're a spoiled selfish little fucker you have to know one other song |
cracked | 4_weirdly_specific_ways_hollywood_thinks_about_food_yboc_blade_runner_dr_who_power_rangers | Ah, functioners, welcome to Chapeau Your Brain Uncracked. Yeah, my pal, Dr. Jordan, breathe in there tonight. I'll be your grossly over-qualified server. Please, have a seat. Our special tonight is... May I interest you in a case of bubbly?
No? fuck you, there's not anyway.
Now, are we ready to order? Ah, so you're still looking over the noodle section. May I please first confirm how many robots you've shot in the rain while the wind flapped your trench coat around like a majestic sci-fi flag atop Mount Badass? Or might I see the scar you got from a cyber sniper on Mars? I mean, surely at a minimum, you've had a partner killed by a rogue AI, right? Because if not, I'm afraid that this section of the menu is off limits. I mean, if you look at the fine print here.
A trend of noodle-slurping futuristic badasses can probably be traced back to Gene Roddenberry's Blade Runner, where we're first introduced to Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard as he devours noodles from a dingy Japanese street diner. The scene, which isn't in the original Philip K. Dick novel, is there to establish that in the future, Asian culture has dominated on global culture. As such, Asian cooking is so commonplace that noodles become the go-to choice for gruff just don't give a what badass detectives like Deckard. It's basically the cyberpunk equivalent of microwaved hot dogs doused with expired mustard. Wrong! This was a new and bold idea back in the 80s when everybody assumed Japan would take over the world, but by the time we got to the almost original series, Almost Human, it was a well-established cliche, and also, modern sci-fi movies assumed that Chinese culture will take over the world, so maybe different noodles. I'm from the future. You should go to China.
In case you forgot about it, which is okay, because almost everyone did, Almost Human is a TV series starring Carl, nerd, trifecta, urban. You know, if I woke up in the morning and somebody had given me a clean shave, I'd be happy.
He's this gruff, just don't give a what badass detective named John Kynix, who has a robot partner and literally talks about eating noodles within the first six minutes of the first episode. It's best between 155 and 175 degrees. And for sure, Kynix eating habits can be explained by, to put it mildly, the series taking a lot of cues from Blade Runner, or to put it crudely, almost humanist, so in love with Blade Runner's themes about what it means to be a human that it taped the movie's DVD case to a body pillow with a hole cut right in the middle of it. But before that, the 2004 reboot of Battlestar Galactica also borrowed heavily from Blade Runner's themes about the blurred lines between man and machine and noodles. The show stars Edward James Olmos as a gruff, just don't give a what badass military commander of a space warship. Weirdly, Olmos was also in Blade Runner, first appearing to recruit Deckard while he was enjoying those tasty nudes. It's not the best abbreviation for that word. Oh, and here's Olmos enjoying his noodles in Battlestar Galactica, delicious symmetry. You could argue that because Battlestar Galactica primarily takes place on isolated spaceships, that their crews are just resorting to the most basic foodstuffs, and therefore they've got noodles listed under, you know, breakfast, lunch, dinner, sexual pleasure devices. Just keeping up with the old exercises. But that wouldn't explain why Corbin Dallas, Bruce Willis's gruff, just don't give a what badass flying taxi driver character eats noodles from a flying restaurant in the fifth element.
It's not because he enjoyed them. Future tough guys don't enjoy anything. They've lost all their taste buds from the moon whiskey and the quantum cigars.
No, that scene was there to quickly let you know that Corbin used to be a major in space special forces and that he's destined to defeat a great sci-fi evil literally called the great evil. Noodles are a shorthand for that. Not really. And finally, she's not necessarily the gruffest of space badasses, but there are few things that are more objectively awesome than getting an alien abortion. So I think that Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus and her noodle sucking absolutely qualifies.
Oh, and speaking of, one more quick question for you, madam. Are you tough? Do you take no crap from anyone and don't need no man? In that case, might I suggest a nice champagne with ketchup or maybe just a bucket of mop water? You seem confused. Are you not aware that Hollywood is under the impression that tough ladies are like some bizarre unclassified species beyond the understanding of normal humans?
As such, these creatures are always shown sporting circus crazy cravings. The cliche may have begun in 1976 with Laverne and Shirley, which was a spinoff of Happy Days, exploring what would happen if Richie and Fonzie were actually female roommates and had way more smoldering sexual tension. They wouldn't let me stay before, but I'm here now. Laverne is the tough tomboy of the duo, which is made clear not from anything she says or does, but by her constant drinking of combined milk and Pepsi, a concoction only palatable by a grotesque monster armed with both self-esteem and a vagina, ew. Can I have one of those? Next came the breakfast club with basket case Alison Reynolds. Alison is confrontational and she takes no shits figuratively, but also maybe literally because she enjoys sandwiches made of sugar and cereal.
Presumably this is because John Hughes was too cowardly to give us the first teen comedy protagonist to eat a live baby on camera. You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that. Can I eat?
Then we get the 1993 episode of Power Rangers, The Rockstar, where the ass-kicking Yellow Ranger feeds the group homemade brownies with baked-in snails. No, this isn't a comedic misunderstanding where she thought that the snails were chocolate chips or something. This is just what she legitimately enjoys eating. Like, kudos to the show for not making this into a sexist joke about the character being a bug-baking ditz in the kitchen, but anti-kudos for contributing to this very specific idea that strong women feed off both weird food combos and the horror of those watching them eat like some sort of gross-out energy vampires. In other words, snail. But if you wanna see the treating strong women like ravenous aliens cliche taken to the extreme, look no further than Starfire from the Teen Titans cartoon. An actual alien with the power of flight, super strength, energy projections, and the ability to enjoy drinking mustard and eating flies.
Not even honey mustard, which would attract way more flies and kill two birds with one stone, which she could then eat. And I almost forgot, we do have the vegetarian menu, if you're interested. Can you imagine anything more horrific than eating human flesh? Not really. Well, actually, if you're a Hollywood scriptwriter, you'd probably answer, yeah, eating plants.
I know a lot of Hollywood scriptwriters. They all say that.
Wrong. Granted, this specific weirdness probably kicked off way back in 1818 when Mary Shelley first published Frankenstein, which made the famed monster a vegetarian. Hollywood immediately followed Frankenstein with Troll 2, a movie about goblins who eat people after first turning them into plants, and also it's about why you should probably think through your titles. There's no trolls. Oh my God!
There are more monstrous, vegetable-crazy transformations like The Were-Rabbit and Wallace and Gromit, The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, and in the episode of Hunger Strikes of Dexter's Laboratory, where Dexter turns into a vegetarian parody of The Hulk. Then, you have evil X number three from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, who obtained otherworldly powers of telekinesis thanks to his vegan diet. Todd's vegan. And finally, seeing as his primary diet consists of nothing but cookies and fruit, technically speaking, Sesame Street's cookie monster is vegetarian.
So, half a point, maybe? No. Hollywood should probably be called scurvy wood because almost nobody there eats any fresh produce, unless, I mean, cocaine is made out of leaves, right? Hey, get outta here, you piece of shit!
Anyway, on the rare occasion that a broccoli accidentally falls into a character's open mouth, it's only there to demonstrate how offbeat and quirky they are. Fruits and vegetables are the movie equivalent of wacky-colored socks or a T-shirt with pants written on it. In the first Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow inspects his new crew while holding a banana because running around like he mistakenly took a whole bottle of uncut sugar instead of Dramamine wasn't enough to let us know that Jack wasn't totally right in the head. I mean, now he has a banana? That's so random, that's so wacky! Then, you have Shawn Spencer from Psych, a fake psychic with a pineapple obsession and an all-round odd douchey duck, which I guess would just be a regular duck because those things will murder you. Speaking of murder, there's Mr. Smith from Shoot'em Up, a homeless Hawkeye-level marksman with a gun who's obsessed with carrots, like a homicidal Bugs Bunny, which again, it's just a normal Bugs Bunny and just as wacky.
I could also mention the fifth doctor from Dr. Who Who wore a piece of celery as a corsage, as quirky, regenerating, semi-immortal alien gods often do. I eat the celery. If nothing else, I'm sure it's good to mind.
Hell, you could even throw in that old cliche about how cocky guys will just always eat apples in movies. I mean, is cockiness equivalent to quirkiness? I think pairing cock with apples is very quirky.
Basically, nobody just eats in Hollywood. Every food must mean something. For example, this means the video is over. |
dropout | honest_4_loko_commercial | Say, buying an energy drink? Yeah, I can use a pick-me-up.
Have you considered Four Loco? Four Loco?
To get the same amount of energy in just one Four Loco, you'd have to drink a red bowl and a cup of coffee. That's a lot of energy. And these four beers. I thought this was an energy drink. So do the FDA. Suckers.
I don't want to be drunk. I haven't even had lunch yet.
Who needs lunch when you have Four Loco? In fact, to get the calories in just one Four Loco, you'd have to consume all this. Plus a double bacon cheeseburger doused in milk fat.
That is disgusting. Disgusting? Please. To taste something as disgusting as Four Loco, you'd have to swallow this thing I just found. Shit. Four Loco. Now in kiwi strawberry. This sounds like a horrible, horrible drink. It is.
In fact, to do the same amount of damage to your liver as one Four Loco, you'd have to chug this entire can of acetone. Say goodbye to shotgunning mineral spirits. I never even said hello to that. This sounds like poison. You have no idea. In fact, to get the same amount of dangerous base metals in one Four Loco, you'd have to eat that same burger from before. I know this sounds so bad. Now filled with paint chips. In fact, to get the same amount of residual radiation as one can of Four Loco, you'd have to sleep in an MRI machine for six months. Will that make me sterile?
Not as fast as Four Loco. Why would anyone put this in their body? Because it's cheaper than paying a hobo to stab you with a box cutter. You want to talk about cops? Please, to experience the amount of legal trouble you'd get from drinking just three Four Locos, you'd have to run over a small child. Here you go. Four Loco, what the f**k, America? |
ClickHole | this_father_s_reaction_to_his_son_coming_out_is_perfect | Hi everyone! So, I have been thinking about this for a long time, and today's the day I'm finally gonna do it. I've known I've been gay for like, my whole life, and I've never really talked to my dad about it. And, wow, I can't believe I'm saying this, but today's the day I finally tell him who I really am. God, I'm so nervous. Um, big thanks to my friend Connie for driving me. I am way too stressed out to drive right now, it's just... You know, coming out is scary enough already, but coming out to my dad is crazy, you know? Like, I don't want him to hold a grudge against me because I'm gay. And I want him to be a part of my life, and I don't want him to think that I've been hiding from him, but also, I don't want him to be mad, it's just... God, look at me, I'm actually shaking. Basically, this is just a really important part of my life, and I'm really hoping it goes well. I just want my dad to accept me and understand me for who I really am.
Okay, so... I'm gonna do it. Here we go. Hey dad, I'm gay! Hi son!
Wow, uh, I don't believe it. Finally, I mean, that was really scary, but I'm so glad I did it. Thank you so much for watching, and thank you for all your support. |
dropout | assh_le_wizard_won_t_reveal_his_secrets | Alright guys, I'd like to introduce you to College Humor's new safety officer, the wise old man from every fantasy movie ever. It's good to see you. I have been waiting for this day for a hundred years. Hey, welcome. Nice to meet you. So I've asked him here because he's good at explaining things, all the three-eyed raven from Game of Thrones, Dumbledore, Gandalf, you get it, I'll leave you to it. Have fun guys. I'm sure there's much you're wondering about.
Where are the fire exits? What do I do in case of an earthquake?
Where is Siobhan's father? My father? But he's been missing for so many years.
Tell us. All will be revealed, but first, what to do in case of a fire? There are two fire exits on the north side of the building and two identical fire exits on the south side. I call this with your seating plan, which can be found in the fire evacuation manner.
You must not take the elevator! This of course brings us to the whereabouts of Siobhan's father, but that is a tale for another day. Wait, no, no, no, wait. You're not going to give us the one piece of information that is clearly important?
All in due time. But first, I must rest. The shadows of the past weigh heavily on my soul.
But you didn't tell us anything. Didn't I? No. You have much to learn. Young one. I know I do. I'm asking you to tell me. You're not ready. Oh, horseshit! No, it's true.
You're weak and stupid. You're out of your mind! Your knowledge would like destroy your feeble mind.
Perhaps, with training, you could be ready. We will continue tomorrow.
What a dick. Did you light an open flame in the middle of the office? Yeah, what's the big deal? You fool! You could have undone everything!
These sprinklers are sensitive to even the smallest fire. All the computers will have been ruined!
Okay, well, I didn't know that, did I? Because you didn't tell us.
You must be more careful. The office is fraught with danger. But, like, what kind of danger?
It seems important to know that. Oh, it's incredibly important, yes? Honestly, you should probably know all this stuff already. But now is not the time. Why not? I mean, like, how long could it possibly take to tell us everything we need to know? We have already discussed much.
And now I must rest my creaky creaky joints. Fucking horseshit! Listen, I know this must be frustrating to have literally all the answers to every question you've ever asked here before you.
Where is Siobhan's father? How can I control the power of the wind?
What's the deal with all those little Illuminati symbols that pop up everywhere? And I promise I will explain everything.
In time. Come on. Are you okay? No! No, I can already feel the life slipping out of me. Fucking, of course. Who left this obstacle in the means of egress? It's mine, I'm sorry, but you never warned us. I'm dying.
And I don't have time to explain all the things I said I was going to explain. I only have time to explain that I don't have time to explain it.
But I can give you this. What is it? It is the answer to everything you're looking for. If you have the secret code... What's the code?
No. Fuck this guy.
Why was he so withholding? It doesn't make any sense. I can tell you why. But that would be a tale for another day. |
SaturdayNightLive | fart_face_saturday_night_live | Oh, hello, Jerry. hello, Fart Face. ready for the meeting? Jerry, so this again, huh? What's the matter, fart face? Jerry, it's been a week now, and I think it's about time you stopped calling me fart face. And why is that fart face? Because for your information, I'm not a fart face. Well, that's your opinion, Fart Face. No, that's a lot of people's opinions, Jerry. fart face, fart face, relax. Now, why on earth should I relax right now, Jerry? give me one good reason. because I'm just kidding, Carl. I'm kidding. I don't think you're a fart face. Well, good. you scared me there for a while, Jerry.
Ok, Carol. Carol, send in Jim Deaver.
Ah, there he is. Hello, Jim. great to see you, Jerry. I'd like to introduce you to one of the best ones. we got here. his given name is Carl, and he likes to be called fart face. Hello, fart Face. Hello.
Yeah, Jim, could you plug up your ears for a moment, please? Sure, fart Face. Jerry, when you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, I'll admit it's a funny joke. Ok, but to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable. Sorry. you're right. you're absolutely right. from here on out, you are Carl, not Fart Face.
Thank you. Jim.
Yes, fart Face? Yes, Jerry has something to say. Oh, thank you, fart Face. What is it, Jerry? it's about fart face. What about him? No, I mean, it's about the concept of using the name fart face to describe Carl. hmm. who's Carl again? fart face. I think it might be best if we had just addressed fart face as just plain Carl. Well, if it's all the same, I'd like to continue calling him fart Face. Oh, great. thanks, Jerry. Look, I'm going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but it's unfair, because if you've spent any time with Carl, you know, his face does not smell of farts, but rather a face. order-wise, I'd agree, but I'm talking about appearance. See, I believe that if a fart did have a face, it would look exactly like fart face here.
How dare you? you've gone over the line, Jim. Well, you served me the kool-aid, Jerry. I just drank it. Well, spit it out. no way. I don't want to stain Fart Face's rug. Jim, you know full well that the kool-aid we're referring to is metaphorical, and spitting it out will not damage anything in this office. Well, tough luck.
Give it here!
Stop that! No! stop that or else. or else what? what are you going to do about it?
Nothing. All right. nothing at all. you frigging fart face. What, did you just call me?
What's wrong? you got fart in your ears, you frigging fart face? Just just wait a minute here. you're the fart face. There's only one fart face in this room and I'm looking at him and boy does his face smell like fart. Yeah, that's why he's the new fart face.
No, he's not. he is a smart face. he is a clean face. He is a tough face and he is a never cry face. Well, it looks to me like he's an about to cry face. No, he's not fart face!
Oh God no! fart face! fart face! I'm gonna get to this contract and two people just pull a fart face turnaround on me. you got another thing coming. Well get ready to never work again cause the whole town is gonna hear that. You crying. Your office, you friggin fart face! you're getting shut down that nobody wants to work with a crying baby Fart face. Get out of business Fart Face! Get out of here before the stink from your face kills all my plants. Fart face!
No, no, I hate you. I hate you so much.
Hi, Terry. Guess who was just in her office crying like a little baby that fart face? Jim Deaver. Bob, this is Jerry. Jim Deaver just cried in her office. Spread the word! Carol called James Jenkins, Tom Jenkins in the County and told him that Jim Deaver just cried in her office. Hey, Jim Deaver, we just told three people you just did in her office. you fart face, fart face! he's crying. go ahead and cry.
Oh no, he just shot himself fart face! |
dropout | hardly_working_maidmer | He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth bite tea, and he's rolling, and he never changes a thing. Weekends, week begins.
Friends, I've returned from my year-long voyage on the SS Matilda. So she was seaworthy after all. No, no, not in the slightest, but after she sank to the dark underbelly of the sea, I was saved by a mystical enchantress of the murky depths, and I fell in love.
Ooh la la, who's the lucky girl, Dan? Not just a girl, Pat.
A mermaid. No! Dan, that's not a mermaid, man. That's a maid-mer. What are you talking about? A maid-mer, okay? The legs of a beautiful maiden, the torso of a motherfucking flounder.
Okay, I knew you guys wouldn't understand. What's there to understand? That thing is an abomination! Shh, come on man, she'll hear you.
Do fish have ears? Do you have ears?
Of course, how silly of me. Dan, this isn't her world. You need to return her to the sea. Yeah, or kill her, huh? Put her out of her fish-ass misery. Whoa, put that away! Dan, she sounds like she's in pain, like she abhors walking the earth as God's mistake. Racist!
Okay, what are you going to do, man? Just buy a tank in the suburbs and wait for your children to hatch from eggs? I don't know, but we're sure going to have fun finding out. And regardless, how dare you stand there and judge me. Okay, you've never traversed the highs and lows of a seafaring romance.
Hey honey, why don't we do that song we practiced? Why? Two, three, oh we ain't got a barrel of money. But we'll travel along, singing our song, side by side.
Dan, even if we did accept that your love for this horrendous creature is real, how are you going to have sex? Easy, she has a vagina. Oh, you have my blessing. Oh, Dan. What? All right, lungs. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_244_A_Gang_Called_Speed | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petunia Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to Petunia Africa radio show recording here live on Desert Rock FM. You're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Petunia Advocate and it's just me today as host.
The other two fellas had to go talk to a man about a dog so it's just me holding the fort here, which is great because I'm an expert in the topics we're going to be covering today. There's a lot going on in this country in terms of the cultural front. Brisbane has an Olympics coming up which is just great news.
I wonder what their opening and closing ceremony is going to look like. I don't know.
Powder finger maybe a start if those boys have still got it in them in 10 years time. I reckon they'd cut a paycheck to reunite for that one.
And you know, a lot's going on and it's great. We've freed ourselves from the shackle of I guess Channel 9's Australia where everything was hunky dory. Everyone was slightly brown, but only because they spent a lot of time in the sun.
And you know, we used to say things like shrimp, which no one's ever said in Australia. Shrimp on the barbie, obviously market to Americans that one.
But you know, there is a changing face. You know, we saw that in the election. Don't want to talk about that too much, but we definitely saw a greater spread.
And like I say, we've had some guests on here talking about Australian hip hop and how that has developed in leaps and bounds throughout the pandemic. Another world, another genre that has done the same in this country is hardcore. Hardcore punk, some may say.
I don't know how you guys feel about that. What would you say?
Hardcore. Hardcore punk.
Yeah. Josh and Jim from Speed, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having us, bro. Now I want to talk to you guys.
You are in a genre that, mainstream media won't ever admit this in this country. But hardcore is, Australia is an engine room for it. Australia does have clout in this shit right around the world.
Can you tell us how you discovered it? Was it, you discovered it here in Australia or you discovered it from overseas? What were the influences? Yeah, we discovered it here.
I mean, I just turned 30, Jim's about to turn 30.
And half a lifetime ago for us, hardcore was fucking huge in Australia. And that really came off the back of two bands Parkway Drive and I Killed the Prom Queen. Both blew up by early mid 2000s and with them just brought this whole sweep of just local hardcore bands. It was massive.
Like it was all ages. You could see bands like every weekend in the suburbs, like at youth centers, wherever.
And so that's how we got into it. It was always Australian first. But it was an underground tapestry of this shit happening. It was never really covered.
You'd think, the way Pub Rock gets fucking spoken about in this country, Cold Chisel and I'm not criticizing these bands, they're very talented artists of that era. But it was at a time when media was running alongside the culture in the 80s and 70s. That's what people were doing. They'll go into pubs and watching bands like this. And that was what was on the radio. And that was what was in the stadiums.
You guys kind of have to exist, as you said, in youth centers, even though everyone was doing it, it just wasn't given the nod.
Yeah. And I like, man, by definition, I think it is meant to be something that's on the fringe. You know what I mean? Yeah. Absolutely.
It's extreme music. The way people engage with it is super extreme.
So it makes sense that it's kind of doesn't quite fit the mold in terms of like the media landscape in Australia. And that's honestly, as participants in the community, we kind of prefer it that way, I think. 100%. Yeah. I think what you're saying as well, in terms of Australia having a reputation around the world with the hardcore, that definitely comes from the parkway effect. And it's interesting.
I feel like you probably don't necessarily understand this as a layman or a civilian that's looking in on this type of music. You know that common man is like, oh, that's fucking Saint Wersing music or just like that music or whatever.
I know you're not that far. I know you're not that far removed, you know what I'm saying?
But I just mean that like Australia actually has like a really good reputation for like Australian metal and like metalcore, but it's like different to the world that we operate in. And it's kind of hard to communicate that, like the difference or the distinction. But I would definitely say that like what we're involved with and in like in speed and the wheelhouse of our bands is very much underground. And as it's, it should be, it's hardcore, it's like meant to be. So tell me, what can you say, I mean, it's hard to articulate because it's something you love and you haven't ever had to explain it because you've never been able to.
Can you explain what it is about a show, whether you're playing or in the crowd? I know a lot of people in this day and age will see MMA on the screen at a pub Sunday afternoon and they'll see someone's head getting fucking kicked in, you know, like the suburban families, old people walking in, seeing that going, what is this? Like what is this bloodlust?
And having said that, it was one of them. I went to one of the fights and I saw every move. I got to learn that how the crowd responds to the particular art form as it's happening. It's violent, whatever, it's dangerous. But there's something going on there that everyone there can see for sure. What do you see in a hardcore gig? It is a spectacle for sure. And on this topic, it's funny because it's now what you're saying in terms of more people having more visibility on what's happening. Like it definitely comes down to like the algorithms and that. But for us, as we know it, you know, for people who are involved in the scene, like this is like common nature. It's a spectacle because it's kind of a sub-genre and a subculture which exists where the expression is literally moshing, like you mosh.
And I know it looks completely ridiculous. It looks like completely far-fetched and it is. It's like the dumbest thing on earth.
But it really is one of those things I think everyone, a lot of people can kind of affiliate with something in their life where it's like, if you don't know, if you know, you know, and if you don't, you just don't. And I think the fact that like, if you listen to hardcore music, you know, typically a lot of it sounds shit. It's meant to. Like it sounds like it's either recorded like on a table or like on a USB mic or whatever. And a lot of people don't understand that or they hear it and they just think that it all sounds the same. And it's because it's made for a life setting. It's meant to be experienced in there.
So it's violent, it's aggressive, it's extreme. It's all of those things. Pretty much imagine just a whole bunch of animals being unleashed into a cage where they can do whatever they want.
But the beauty of it, bro, the beauty of it is that, and this is the part that people don't understand until they're fully immersed in it and educated within it, is that there is a culture and a very tangible culture and community that's very much linked to this, where the music is hugely built around the participation of the individual and the people that are on stage are just as important as the people that's on the ground. You know, moshing is just as important, if not, it's probably more important, bro, than whatever the people are actually doing on the stage. It's a very symbiotic experience where everybody is sharing the same expression of passion and unfiltered aggression.
But for the most part, it's positive. Yeah, I mean, there's something to it. I mean, it looks like there's a pressure valve.
You know, there's people that do different things. Some people drive fast cars. You know, some people do a whole range of things on the evenings and on the weekend to find what you guys are obviously finding there, both in the stage and in the crowd.
Can I ask you this? Where was your first mosh pit? Like at the band? No, as a participant in the crowd.
I mean, it sounds like you remember. Yeah, for me, it was a place called Yoyo's Youth Center in French's Forest. I was watching a band called Carpathian from Melbourne. I think 14, 15 years old, 2-7, getting pulled out of the pit by all the dudes so they could take the spot that I was moshing in. It was, yeah, that was like the golden age for us, I think. But that was my first show. Yeah, it was fucking awesome. What about you? First show was at The Forum, which I think is now called The Hi-Fi.
And it was Parkway Drive's headline show. This is 2006. And it was Parkway Drive. And like nowadays they play just like metal shows and big whatever shows. But back then they were touring strictly with pretty much hardcore bands. Parkway Drive, Her Nightmare, Jungle Fever, Stronghold.
And I got a black eye that night. Did ya? Yeah, yeah. For the first, for many of the first few shows I would go to, I was getting black eyes because there was a thing that was really popular back then.
Mosh, believe it or not, man, there is style to moshing. Is there rules? Yeah, definitely, definitely.
And it's self-regulated. It's the other thing about it, which we can get into. But anyways, one of the trends back then was head walking, where like, it's essentially like you try and walk on, step on as many heads as you can when you're staged out. Like you're trying to, you know, do that thing. And that was like a big thing back then.
And so being a kid at my first few shows, I was like always at the front, trying to get the mic whenever, so I just head walked every show. So that's why I was getting a black eye. Like walking over cattle at a bull sale.
Now I want to talk about this other kind of community you've opened up is allowing Asian kids in Australia to take part in this. Many people probably didn't feel the permission. I know this sounds like this community is open to everyone when you went along. Yeah. But a lot of people don't know that, you know, a lot of people don't know that.
So Speed as a band represents something right now and will forever. You know, this is a face of Asian men in Sydney city and in Australia doing something that they can do.
Have you felt that? Have you felt that influence? Have you felt that?
Is your crowd any different to that Parkway Drive gig at the forum?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
You know, it was, look, it wasn't something that this was not meant to be a political band in the sense that I wasn't, we weren't trying to champion this more so than we were just trying to be ourselves and put ourselves out there. But traditionally, hardcore has been very male dominated, very, you know, white cisgendered male kind of dominated and whatever. And for us, it was very intentional that like, I didn't have that experience of feeling, you know, alienated from the scene or whatever.
I was always tokenized for sure. Like, you know, it was me and Bchan and Dennis pretty much.
And like the three of us were pretty much of some of the only ages that we do. If you knew ages, you knew, you knew there was one age and we're around. But still, I didn't necessarily feel ostracized or whatever. But now that we're in the positions that we're in, we're very aware that not everyone had the same experience, you know?
So we're just trying to harness that. And so like from the demo, you know, we put a photo of ourselves on the cover. And it's because it was important that like, people can hear the music and think that maybe it's an American band or whatever. But we wanted people to see, you know, what we look like.
And then, you know, what we do, and especially coming from Australia. Because I think as well, the other thing that's intentional too, actually, is like the perception of Australians. You know what I mean? Like everyone outside of Australia has a pretty warped perception, just like you do about everything, everyone else. So that was intentional. And it's been pretty amazing to see the impact. Like, participation. Bro, I've got way more Asian friends right now since starting Speed than I ever did my whole life. Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean?
Like fully, and it's mad. It's sick for me. It's sick for my friends and my family that are involved with this.
And from the feedback we've been getting from people, it has been like, it has been very, very profound. And it wasn't something that we ever foresaw.
Well, you didn't go recruiting Asian guys for the band, did you? Like you...
I mean, Aaron, who plays bass, my brother. Dennis is my other brother, but like not my blood brother. But like, I've known Dennis for, you know, 10, 15 years now, whatever.
So, I mean, that's even more, I guess, pure for these kids that are coming along that this just happened and this can just happen. Yeah, it was never meant to be tokenized. You know, it was funny, bro, on that topic. Like we spoke about for ages that we were going to start an all Asian band for many, many years. Many, many, many years. And it was like, because you could, because there was like five of us. Like around the country. But that's just exaggeration.
And then when you did do it, you didn't mean to do it. No, but when we did it, I was like, I guess I didn't know how to express it as well. I think, you know, I think when you're growing up in it, especially in those, in that time, like I didn't know what you, I think a lot of people that you don't know what you're experiencing, you know, you know, you don't know that, like, I didn't know what the word tokenized meant. I just knew that, like, I didn't want to start an all Asian band because it's kind of cringe, but I didn't know why. You know what I mean? It would have been sick to do it, but like, I didn't know why. And it also, like, you know, now being at my age, like, it's not my experience, like Josh is my best friend and, and, and, and, you know, like it's because of, it didn't never came down to this when we were, when we were growing up, but like Josh is the white.
So yeah. So you, you two grew up together more or less. Yeah. We've known each other since we were like 12, 13. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
And I want to ask about your role now is, um, in this, as an ally, as a Chinese ally, instrument you play, they don't hide you at the back.
I mean, sometimes it's actually so fucking funny, bro. It's so hilarious. The roles are really sweet. It's so fucking funny.
And I don't like, it's like always growing up.
People always get me mixed up with someone else. It's like, Oh yeah. Like if, if beach and our other homie used to sing in a, like another hardcore band and I wasn't anyway, people will always come up to me and think I'm the singer or like, or that, or they think that I'm him. And he played bass in another band legions and they think I'm him or whatever. So the whole time we have people getting us to mix up, even though we don't look anything alike. And then now it's like, Josh just thinks that he's, that people just think he's just any other white car. Anyone who's like, he's, he's right. The photographer, or he's like this other book.
I don't actually even feel bad because it's like, you know, now you know, you joke about it, but that's 100% what goes through my head when that happens. I'm just like this motherfucker.
Yeah. I can, I can take that next. Yeah.
I'm always like, that's, that's what it is. Josh is the token white guy. And I mean, come on. But yeah, no, honestly the amount of times we're like, yeah, like we were, we were in the States and um, we played a show.
There was this kid with a record waiting out the front at the end. He was like, Oh, I'm trying to get everyone from speed to sign this record. And he's looking at it. There's like gems, brother Aaron's like right on the front. James, obviously the singer, but he knows what he looks like. And so he's got there. He's got their signatures on his record and he's literally standing next to me.
And he's like, do you guys know anybody else that plays in speed? It's the roadie. He's in Australia on a holiday. I want to also ask the merch I've been seeing speed.
Is that font the old Chinese restaurant? Is that what we're going with? That's all I can think when I see that is golden drag and dubber, you know what I mean? Or one of those towns like that, that's the font that you would traditionally see. It is, it is like we're tang letters, you know, but it was, um, that's actually meant to be.
So my brother, Aaron, he has a brand called Del Sato and he has a shirt that is Sato that's in that font. And we like the exact same kind of layout. And we were just doing the rip of a Sato shirt, which is just a rip of a China's Australian restaurant, as you said.
Uh, I want to also kind of explore this feeling that you must be feeling now in the last year. I'm in the last two years.
I remember seeing the first one for show. It was, um, by chance I was there. Some people might remember that I haven't played many shows in Australia, but I do remember it. I remember it was probably the most people they'll ever have on stage ever was on stage with them. And I remember seeing something happening in that moment down Merrickville Way.
This is launching right now. It's probably already happened. You guys are in the midst of that. How does that feel? And what do you put it down to? You've got some, obviously the music is doing its job. The visuals are red hot, but you're moving around as well. Like you're straight in the mix. You've already been overseas. Yeah.
I mean, we're operating as a Huckleman at the end of the day, like where our goals and like the framework that we exist in, like is very much dictated by what we've grown up seeing other hardcore bands do. And so we're, we're just kind of trying to tick those sort of boxes, but it's just happening at such a rate that, um, you know, it's, it's obviously kind of hard to, uh, keep control of. Look, even the fact that you just said that is the spin out, bro. It's crazy because you got to understand for people who probably a lot of people who are listening, maybe they don't know what Huckle is, but like this has been an underground subculture that has always, you know, kind of had a certain ceiling to it, you know, and a lot of the beauty of the culture and the community that we have comes from this experience and what we know. And we've only just like been realizing this really in the last couple of months, pretty much seems probably about July when we went to sound inferior in LA and played it, that this is not something that's just happening to speed. This is like a moment for hardcore globally for the genre that is the genre is now it's doing something that's completely unprecedented. Like as this is meant to be fully underground, bro. And, and, and, and as amazing and incredible as it is that we are like an overwhelming, like really overwhelming through this happening. Like even the fact that you're saying that this is happening, like you're comparing it to something like one, four, that's crazy.
Cause like, you know, we know what rap can do, you know what I'm saying? So like for them and those people, like they're probably involved with it for those reasons for us. But we're just doing this because like all of our best friends or all of our family were met through going to this music. Like most of our friends actually, bro, have been friends for 10 years minimum. You know what I mean? And the people that we make music with, people record with people that book our shows, people that like, we work with, we've been doing this shit forever. You know what I'm saying?
And that's all we're just trying to maintain is just harboring this culture for the next generation. So they can have some grassroots organic community that they can walk into. That's like away from under the bullshit of the mainstream societies. We just want to build that because we feel that there's like real tangible relationships that can come out of that lifelong meaningful relationships.
And anything beyond that is just crazy. So what we're trying to reckon with now, because we know that what we are involved with is something that is so special, but difficult to define is that honestly, bro, we're trying to navigate and balance it because with every kind of level up and every kind of next success and step forward, it's like, well, what does this actually mean for hardcore and Australian hardcore? Whereas it's something that's been completely self-regulated forever. Something that's that's so built with our own hands.
Like, for example, I'm very aware of the fact that like people are seeing these viral videos of like people fully moshing and going crazy in the pit and like, it's going viral because people don't understand it. And they're shocked by it. But it's like, for a lot of us that are involved with like, this is just quite normal. It's like before camera phones, but people, exactly. But, but like, this is not some shit where you just come in and you just fuck up anybody in the pit.
You know what I mean? And just fight for the fact that they can fight. And like, that's the thing is like, it's special because we all understand what's happening and we will accept it.
And like, yeah, everyone's like, it looks aggressive and everything, but it's out of the best of intention. 99.9% of the time, other than the people that get it twisted. And when there's always going to be some people that get a twist and those people get weeded out, you know what I mean?
Very easily. And that's how people just want to run in for a punch on fully.
That's how it, that's how, you know, we always say like, calm, educate yourself and stay. And if you don't like it, you probably figured yourself, figure it out for yourself soon enough. You know what I'm saying?
But like our job now is to just really see like, what is, how do we navigate all of this and, and, and keep pushing, promoting Australian hardcore and this without the culture becoming diluted, you know? So that's just, that's kind of the place that we're at now. And like the vision of the band always started for that. The mission of the band was just to ignite some more excitement about Australian hardcore.
That was it. How do you keep the reins on it? That's what I want.
I mean, I know my thinking was prior to sitting down with you guys and realizing this was happening in the suburbs, I always viewed it as something that was, had a coasty edge to it in Australia. That's particularly as a Queenslander. And we all knew what was happening in Byron. Before the Hemsworth, before all this shit, we knew what was going on. That was their thing. And then you'd hear about in Wollongong and you'd hear about in these other kind of rough and Byron was rough.
Not even a generation ago, these were all the sons of strung out fucking Vietnam veterans. And they were fucking hardcore.
And then you'd see that you still see that emulating Coffs Harbor and Wollongong, but it seems like it was everywhere at the time. What do you think of the, of, of the changing face? I see you guys in the clips dressed like West, not Western Sydney, but Sydney lads, you know, like are you giving it an urban edge? Were people dressing like you guys were back in the day?
Or was it, I mean, you guys do it. That was one thing I noticed. I mean, I saw the clip, I heard the air horn and then I go, these guys are going to start rapping. And then I realized what it was. And I saw you on the Harbor bridge.
Yeah. I mean, the style's definitely changed over the years when we were coming into it. You're right. There was a real coasty edge to it. There's a lot of forties. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
And, and, and honestly, like if you went to a show in 2006, 2007, it was a ton of like bleach hair and yeah, just surfers and skaters and stuff. Now I think because it's changed so much and it went through almost like a decade of, you know, having a hundred, 120 old people at a show at best.
So there was a winter. Is that what you said? Oh, 100%. It was a long winter.
Yeah, huge one. Yeah. But I think the people that kind of have stuck around are people that have been into hardcore for, you know, most of their life. Like, you know, people like us. And so this is what it looks like resuscitate. I think so. Yeah.
This is why we started speed, bro. We literally started speed because we had been going to shows for five or six years that had just becoming like, pretty much for the most by getting worse and worse and worse. And we're like, we've got to do something about it. We just got to start the only, the only way that you can keep the wheels turning is just to have another band to play shows.
You know what I mean? So that was the reason why. And that's also why, like this shit is so crazy that it just happened so quick, especially, bro. We played four shows before we went to COVID. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like we literally started and very, we played one show at the very end of 2019. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Tough time to start a band.
Well, we obviously had no idea that what was going to happen, but like, it's insane. Like that's also why this is just fucking crazy.
But in terms of like, you know, the way we look or whatever, like we're a hardcore band, but we're purely a hardcore band, you know? But I think that a big reason is that like, number one, people just aren't aware of it. Like you have preconceptions of what hardcore looks like.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I think, yeah. I think aesthetically we are very much a hardcore band. You know what I mean?
Like if you go back to like eighties, New York hardcore, like it's a lot of sports where like the whole like youth crew movement is just a bunch of young people in fucking Nike basketball shorts and shit. And that's kind of just always what it has been everywhere else in the world. So that's kind of just like the style that we've adopted. Is there an overlap in the genres of hip hop and hardcore?
I mean, I'm looking at a man who represents it in the corner of the room.
For sure. Yeah. 24 karat kev. Do you see that overlap? Do you see, I mean, I know that's the thing, and this is a tangent, but I remember Paul Kelly, Australian rock god, said he always noticed the similarities between hip hop and country in the fact that you can do it with little, you know what I mean? Yup. You know, country music, they just need one guitar. Yup. And would you say there's a similar thing happening there?
You can extend the same to hardcore, absolutely. Yeah, it's an accessible, it's an accessible thing for any kid. Absolutely bro.
I mean, look at any of the guys that like your mad balls and your biohazards and all these fans were like rubbing shoulders with back in the nineties, which is like the people, other people don't listen, listening in. Like if you put your head into hardcore and you start to look around, like there could, I'm going to pull out a figure right now, but I would say that's like 40, at least like 40 different sub genres of hardcore. Yeah. And all of them are pulling from different things. Some of them can sound so wildly different and look different and behave different, slightly differently on stage or whatever, but they all come under the veil of hardcore. And what Speed is doing is our brand of it is pulling from nineties hardcore where it was the cross section of New York hardcore, cross section of hip hop and hardcore.
Yeah, a lot of graffiti writers and that sort of thing, you know what I mean? And then it still applies today as well. We're playing a show in the UK next year, a big festival and like, it's a ton of hardcore bands, but then you've got like Denzel Curry, Sweatshirt, you know, like a bunch of, a bunch of rappers and stuff on it as well. So there's always overlap. I mean, for us personally, like we listened to it on hip hop as well.
It for us, it's also about Sydney's fresh man. Like we're, we're Australian hardcore band and we're not influenced exactly by like what the Americans might be influenced. We just, we grew up in Sydney. You know what I'm saying? Like my brother Aaron is like the fresh kind of nut, you know, the fresh kind of you know, like that's also a part of why we've been making videos, but like not many hardcore bands made heaps of videos, contemporary, not many heaps of contemporary, but hardcore bands made a lot of videos. And we did it because we were like, this is what we look like. This is who we are. This is where we come from. This is what Sydney, Australia looks like to us.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that was it. It was an interesting thing.
I think it might've been your brother. I saw in an interview saying aside from the fact, you know, you've broken the ceiling on tokenization, you know, there've been lots of bands with Asian Australians in them, but there's been one in it. You know what I mean? So for the first time, we see more than one Asian guy on the stage, but I think it was your brother said, He shows him or was it me or was it Dennis? I think it was your brother talking about being hard Asian men. He seems like a little bit of a live wire that way. But do you feel that that's presenting something to the kids as well?
You know that it's a, it's hardcore. We get it. You've given everyone license to like this in communities that didn't know if it was really for them and you open up participation and all that. But also Asian Australia isn't presented like this. Exactly. Anywhere else.
Like it's not, you know, I'm having about, I haven't been a goosebumps when I even saying that because it's like, it's crazy. Like just to be like to live in, in my own shoes for so long and to not really know how to put it to words and just see like there's been a huge rise of Asian success in the Western world in the last like five to 10 years for sure in all subsets of media. But it's been very hard for me to see that and be like, yeah, that's me or like to really find an affinity with it. You know what I mean? And I haven't been able to put my finger in it because it's a hard thing to kind of verbalize. And when we started this band, it was kind of like, I don't know, like I'm not inspired by this rapper or like by this artist or this comedian, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know why they're Asian, but I'm not fully, I just don't see myself in that.
And the only, the only thing that we could do to address that was, well, I'm just going to put myself into my art and just, this is what we do and this is what we look like. And it's the response of like all these other people being like, that's what I fuck with too. And like, I feel that, you know what I'm saying? Like that has just kind of validated what we've been doing, I guess. But also just being like, it's helped me understand. And I think like we're on a journey right now, like just fucking understanding what it is.
And I think that like we're first generation, first generation Chinese, Malaysian, Australian. Okay. So my parents came from Malaysia here. Okay. And we were born here.
And I just think that there's a lot of people that have a similar experience in a Western country who come from ethnic countries. And I'm realizing that maybe that's a story that wasn't always told. You know what I'm saying? Not only just Asians, like I have like, I saw a comment on YouTube today or yesterday that was like, yeah, this is why I fuck with this. Asians, Australians, just like Mexican Americans, Mexicans in America or something. Like some, I think Mexican person had commented that on one of our videos. And I don't know, I'm seeing like, I think there's a lot of commonalities between, I guess what we're putting on show and our experience and what we've talked about and people that are, you know, first generation or, you know.
Yeah, for sure. And I know that they definitely had their moment with some of those Chicano bands back in the day too, like, you know, playing guitar and, you know, swinging baseball bats actually, you know, I can see that parallel there. You've released a song and correct me if I'm wrong. It's about Asian hate crime. You said you're not a political band. Not that nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you're not a political band, but you released a song because it was of the time, right?
That was everywhere. What has the reception of that been? Speaking of the pressure valve of hardcore music combined with a community that don't get to say that, you know, that often, or at least not on a stage in front of screaming kids. Has that resonated around the world?
I mean, I know you went overseas. Are you seeing, are you seeing the crowd jump a little bit high for that one? Yeah, it's probably one of our biggest songs. But we had a document that came out that was made on us by Eastern Standard Times. And we spoke about it in that. That's why I saw your brother, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And, you know, like writing about these kind of themes, which is kind of like, you know, we're progressive, you know, and just, I don't know, just people with morals, I guess. This is something that goes hand in hand with hardcore music, you know, with the community. Like, for me to say stuff like that, I feel like I'm just living in an echo chamber anyway, you know what I'm saying? But it's not even an echo chamber. As you said, it's actually rare, you know, as your brother said, hard Asian men. Of course, this is how they're going to respond to what's happening in the world. But you've given that, at least that song, you know, you're not a political band, but you've given that song to a global community, really. I mean, how was it received in America? Okay, I'll tell you, I'm going to back it up.
This band had one mission, okay, when we're playing this band. We're trying to keep the wheels turning on Australian hardcore. We wanted to play some sick shows. We wanted to bring hardcore back to its place where people were, there was more of an affluent community. And people would just go to shows. That was our goal.
And they had one bucket list thing, bro, and it was to go to America and experience American hardcore. America is the mecca for this. This is where all the best bands are from. They created the style. They don't need to look anywhere else outside of America other than themselves. And that's why Australian hardcore is never really broken out into there before. Okay. We fucking played our first ever show, which is in America overseas, which is our 15th show, literally at the biggest hardcore festival, like of all time. And it was right.
It was not even a movie. It was, and it wasn't even a dream because I haven't even dreamed anything like that before.
You know what I'm saying? Like, this is not, this is music that's meant to be enjoyed by a hundred people in a small bar where you spink at your best friends and then go get ice cream after. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is not meant to be 6,000 people like singing a shit and then having like three pits where everyone's just fully going crazy and making it great.
And like, you see that shit for, for metal. Okay. You see, you see that stuff for metal, but this is a different thing.
And this is a purely hardcore festival. And it was just like, for us being an Australian band, you can probably count the amount of Australian hardcore bands that have ever gone there on, on probably two hands or like just about maybe two and a half hands.
All right. For us to go over there and have that kind of experience and be received. And then now everything is happening. It really is, bro. It's more than a dream.
Cause like, especially now, like a year ago, bro, we were sitting at home trying not to get COVID. And then literally six, six months later after that, we were in playing at 6,000 people being asked to play.
Like what, like, it was just, yeah. Is, is your music, are there themes to your songs or are there songs? Because that, that song we just spoke about before, there's a theme to it, right?
For me, bro. Like I write, okay, we run the music and it's, first thing number one, I'm envisioning if you hear that music, like you should be able to achieve anything in that second. You should feel so G'd up. I'm pulling, it's meant to be PB music, bro.
We got, we go to the gym. We're the gym, speed the gym.
Thank you very much.
It's literally PB music, bro. I'm imagining like, I got, we have PB music, personal best music. Literally, yeah. If you're going to go pull your hunt, you unwrap max, you put like every single riff, every breakdown, everything is written. Like what is, what am I listening to when I'm pulling my PB?
You know what I'm saying? So that's the first thing. And then secondly, more than anything, man, it's just meant to be music. That's just been about like, just backing yourself, championing yourself, just earning yourself and being confident because like, you know, I know what it feels like to feel like I'm not, not deserving of time in the limelight or like just to feel, I guess not deserving of a PB. Yeah. Not strong enough, but it's, it literally, this is just personally, bro. I feel confident. I think the rest of us in speed feel confident. You know what I mean?
But we know we all recognize that there are many paths that have set up that we've been on that have set us and brought us to this place, which enable us to make this kind of music and put ourselves on a platform like this. And I'm, we recognize by that there's a large majority of people out there that did not have the same experience for no fault of their own. So they only, we found ourselves in this position now. So the only reaction to that is when we're trying to make music, it's just to try and shed some light on that and hope that some people can just feel, you know, that too.
Like we're, we're fully fucking normal people, bro. We're fully, we're just hardcore kids.
You know what I mean? So like that was all it was meant to be just like G up. And like, when I write the music, it's like, what would I say? You know, if like, if I'm talking to someone about this theme, like I'm not an angry person at all, but if I had to be fired up in that, like, you know, in that moment, how would I say it? And that's just how that's just how it's written. And it's just, it's backing yourself and just having living with compassion without trying to feel too corny.
But I know it sounds hard and people think we're hard. Our brand of hard, bro, is being fresh and been a good person. That's our brand of hard, bro.
And it's just, I don't know. I think it's just, bro, it's a spin out, man.
We write, we write and we operate and we do everything with our art. And it's just, just written for our friends and our family. And the fact that it's just people around the world. It's crazy.
Like, I think the common experience as well with hardcore kids is always like, you feel underrepresented. I think if you talk to like, you know, people in hardcore come from all sorts of different walks of life, you know? So many of our friends that we've grown up with have lived very, very different lives to us. But the one thing that everybody feels is they don't feel represented by mainstream society.
And so I think one of the, exactly. Yeah.
And I think one of the main things that people take away from the music is that it, yeah, it inspires this confidence in you. It makes you proud to be in control of your own narrative. And it's kind of like an armor, I think. I think that's kind of definitely the attitude that we approach speed with. It's meant to be music that people can listen to and feel confident when they listen to it and feel represented by it. And I think like, going back to that song, Not That Nice, I think while yes, anecdotally, it's talking about a very specific experience for Asian people. It can be applied to anybody who feels like, you know, they're rejecting this notion of being walked over, you know what I mean? I think that's what it kind of comes down to.
100%. Yeah.
Well, boys, I'm loving the energy in the room here today. I haven't actually seen you on stage yet. So I look forward to seeing the energy there in the pit. You're very welcome. I'll be, it sounds like everyone is.
And that's the beauty of this all. In terms of the Australian hardcore scene, it looks like a bit of a hockey stick in play here. There was a long winter, but you guys are skyrocketing.
And then you're going to be at the top of that scene on this trajectory heading to space. You've already done LA. We'll see where you go from there.
But thanks for joining me today, guys. What a yarn. Dude, thank you so much. It's awesome to be here. Appreciate it, man. |
CrackerMilk | what_gives_girls_the_ick | And there was no soap in the house. Like none. Nothing. What does he watch his name on?
Hey ladies! Ladies? Oh that is such an ick. Ladies!
Come on! What are we, like 45? Aren't you? Fuck you Connor! You know what?
Oh my god, wait! Stop! Bottle out for a second. Look at how he's standing!
Ahh! Ick central! Turn left on Ick Street. Oh. Here you are. Fuck you. I'm going to my room. Uh huh.
Ahh!
The way you walk? It is like the biggest ick I've ever seen. Ugh. Disgusting! Yeah, all I did was walk.
Oh my god! Oh!
Ugh! Wait, hold on. I've got to put my hair on. Ugh! Just like, don't move. Don't move. Ugh.
Are you breathing right now? Oh my god, the breathing. I have to breathe.
Ick! Okay! Ugh!
That's good. Good boy. That's better.
Ugh. It's getting sweaty there for a minute. Oh my god, right. So many icks in one person. We're just trying to help. Like the taste in my mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? No, no, no, no. For your own good. Yeah. Do you know what? Without the breathing and the talking and the moving, it's giving him like a bit of a flush. Yeah! Like a...
Oh, the fall. The fall was not great. No.
It's feminine vibes. It's like, it's giving fainting spells. Yeah, like, oh my blood sugar is low.
This video was sponsored by the Cracker Milk Patreon and we want to let you know our current goal is to release an extra video every single week and to do that we need your support. So be sure to go there and sign up and give us some love and we'll give some to you back. Consensual love that's, it's like a... can we do this one again? |
dropout | hardly_working_sleepover_prank | Okay, okay, okay, okay, here's the dealio, Emilio. O-Dog was working late last night, and he straight up fell asleep at the office. Not! What a chump! Okay, so of course, when we got here, we had, I mean, we had to prank him good. Oh no, shut up, shut up, shut up, he's waking up, he's waking up. Hey, hey, Owen, rise and shine, you sleepybones. Yeah, how are them 40 winks, you freaking moron? Oh no. Oh no, what'd you guys do with that shaving cream? That's right, O-Dog. He gave you a straight up cloche! Haha! Crap! You guys are jerks.
You should see your face, you look so well groomed. It goes really well with your new haircut.
Oh no, oh come on man, not cool. My boy Antonio Cavici and Soho did it, $300 you turd. He's a freaking artist. You know what, screw you guys, I'm getting out of here. Are these Gavin Ficino's in a pressed micro gingham shirt?
Booyah! Why would you even, no, what is this? Oh you didn't. It's your resume you flake, we revised it! No!
Yes, updated your language to use action verbs, switched the font to a tasteful garamond and printed the whole thing out on a thick, stocked, marbled paper. That last one was totally me. Everything else was kind of funny, but this is straight like twisted, why would you even do this? Um, I don't know, maybe because you have an interview later to be the creative director at freaking Bartleby, Bartleby, Bartleby and Snurch, the top agency in town.
Tell him the salary's back. Okay, okay, 200K plus benefits chumsilla.
Hwah! Nieh hwah, nieh wah de shung hwah. That's right Mark Zuckerberg.
We taught you Mandarin.
Why? I don't even freaking care but tell me why.
Uh, so you'll be better equipped to adapt to the global marketplace? The world is flat, you're rapping.
I do not need this today. Oh, you don't have to go through it alone, hombre. We got you back together with Vera. What the love of my life? No! They put it in perspective for me Owen. I was chasing ghosts, but we had that was real.
I hate you. You know what? Forget this, I'm outta here. Owen, wait, Owen, wait. Guess what? What? We burned down your house. Huh? All of your possessions and memories are ash. |
SaturdayNightLive | metal_shop_saturday_night_live | Hey, Tommy, unpause it. is it light flashing? What's up? This is Pat Sullivan. we got the camcorder out on loan today, because my boy Tommy has full access to the Av closet. me and my gal, Denise, here taping ourselves in Metal Shop. Don't film me while I got these queer goggles on. you're wearing queer goggles, And I'm wearing big goggles. you are so retarded. You are. hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on down here? What's happening here in the Peanut Gallery? Why is he taping? What are you doing?
This is our metal shop teacher, Vern Hilbert. Oh. hi. hey, get away from that lathe, Frankie. I told you, you need supervision over there. Mr. Hilbert's the most awesome teacher in our school, because he grades based on effort, and he once got in a knife fight with Rico Casey. the guy from the Cars! tell the story, Mr. Hilbert! that was a long time ago, my roadie days.
I don't want it. let me see your projects. All right, all right.
I'm doing the final polish on my miniature Stanley Cup. I'm going to give it to my mom for Christmas, because she's a wicked big Bruins fan, and she loves miniatures. that's an A project. I'm getting my mom what I always get her. four lottery tickets and a Cotton Amerit Ultralights.
What are you getting me? A Die? I ain't telling you. Cover your ears and I'll tell them, all right? I got him a book about Jim Morrison and a Tommy Hilfig of Jersey. I got it for leans on five finger discount. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Cover your ears. what are you getting? I got her necklace with a name written on a piece of rice, and I went over to Spencer Gifts and got a nipple warmers. it's wicked pisser. that's romantic. very nice. I heard that. you liar. you are. Yeah. Oh, look at this. this is really ridiculous. Hey. hey. what do I tell you? you're listening to me? don't go near that lathe if you want. you got to wait for help. I'm not going to finish my birdhouse.
Well, safety first, Frankie. you know that. come on. quit riding me, Dad. Frankie. I ride you because I love you.
I don't think people should be required to take shop if your dad is a teacher, because he can't be impartial about my aptitude. Dude, I would hate if my dad had my dad for a teacher. I swear to God. I'm so glad I've never even met my Dad.
Look, I know you kids hate industrial arts, but there are a lot of good paying jobs out there for people who are, you know, good with their hands. Yeah, she's pretty good with your hands. shut up! Yeah, you shut up. you shut up. And slowly quit goofing around. if you're done, you know, you just go finish your project or polish your tools. Tommy, please tell me you got them saying, Polish my tools. All right, go ahead.
Yeah, laugh it up, both of you. go ahead, laugh it up. because, you know, when you graduate, then you'll be. Who's going to be laughing? What are you going to do when you graduate?
I'm going to be the first rapper to rap to National Anthem at a Red Sox World Series game. No, Ma! be a child care specialist and a lady wrestler. And I'm going to call myself Zones! Well, I wanted to be a rock star, but, you know, you need something to fall back on. crazy things happen in life.
Mr. Hilbert, tell the Rick O'kasick story. he was a roadie for the cars. No, nobody wants to hear that. Come on.
Well, all right. back in those days, I had a real bad temper. and, of course, now I'm 14 years sober. 16 years teaching, 14 years sober.
You do the algebra. Well, let's just say Rick and I had a vicious knife fight, and that's how I got my glass eye. Here, I'll show you. there. No! Awesome! Tommy, did you get him popping his eye out? I'm going to sell that to real Tv. that's why. Always wear your safety goggles.
God, is he a cut in the lead? Oh, somebody give me my shears. here, hold my eye. Oh, please! don't let him cut my hair! don't let him cut it! this is so funny. Frank Dad's cutting his hair. something we got to go.
I'm going to be late for Earth Science. whatever, Zazu. you may be late for Earth science, but your jokes Got there two minutes ago. Shut up! you shut up. |
dropout | the_guy_who_over_pronounces_foreign_words | I cannot wait to try the food here. The reviews have been incredible. Okay, what's good? I've heard good things about the prosciutte, also the caprese, also the mozzarella sticks, and the bruschetta, and the garlic bread. Do you mean bruschetta? Yeah, bruschetta.
Why are you saying it that way? That's how it's supposed to be pronounced. People like it when you embrace their culture. It's very respectful. Ooh, they have linguini! Okay, talking to you is embarrassing, and I want to change the subject.
Have you guys eaten in this neighborhood before? Actually, right next door, there's this amazing Spanish restaurant. They do the best tapas and gazpacho. You mean tapas and gazpacho. Yeah, that's what I said. Tapas and gazpacho. That is not what you said! And like one block down, there's this sushi restaurant that you have to try.
That is racist. It's not racist. If anything, it's less racist.
I'm not imposing my anglicized pronunciation on these foreign words like some sort of linguistic conquistador. Okay, I think I'll hide in the bathroom for the rest of the night. No, Adam, come on.
I had a great night planned. We're gonna go get dinner, and then we're gonna go get some strudel. Then we would go to the pub, and I would buy you a vodka shots, and then we would go get strudel. You already said strudel. Did I? Oh, deja vu. Then we could go do some karaoke.
Pat, I know you do an amazing rendition of Nirvana's rape me. Nirvana is an American band.
But it's a Hindi word. Asshole. I can't do this. I need to leave. No, Adam, come on.
At least stay for coffee. The traffic is so bad in Los Angeles. We can go to the Starbucks next door, alright? We can get some frappuccinos or some cappuccino.
Or a croissant. Croissant.
I want to hit him. Can I hit him?
Trap, you sound like a horrible person right now. I'm sorry. Mea copa. I guess I committed a huge faux pas. I don't know if the fangsui in here is off or something, but you're all getting really angry at me, so why don't we call it a mulligan. We'll all have a little paoao. And then we can call it ibra. Offending you was never my goal. We're not ready to order yet. Several of our guests have requested that you leave. Mamma mia!
Hi, I'm Mike Trap from College Humor. Three years ago, I had a happy, normal life. Now look at me. I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos, begging strangers for clicks.
Just one click, man. That's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to our channel, or click over here to watch another video. Come on, man. One click. That's all I need. Just give me a click. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Tuesday_7th_April | Hello, my name's Wendell Hussey and you're listening to the Battuta Daily News Bulletin. We're coming to you live from the budgie smuggler bedroom with a wrap up of all of the biggest stories from the Battuta Advocate today. We'll start off this news wrap where you'd expect us to start off with news about the George Pell appeal verdict that sent shockwaves around the nation. After that announcement by the High Court this morning that Pell would walk free there was a follow up statement issued by the legal system itself.
We need victims to speak up says legal system that just dismissed an entire jury's decision. The statement came after the High Court gave a massive middle finger to the nation's sexual assault and abuse survivors by dismissing the verdict of a jury who spent months deliberating on the evidence placed in front of them.
It's believed that those actions by the seven rich old white judges of the High Court will serve as a great incentive for anyone wanting to speak up and seek justice, but just in case anyone got the wrong message they've made sure to formally urge victims to come forward. So hopefully that has the desired effect. And there was a comment on that one from Peter Smart who lives down in the French Quarter who said, Amazing how the Catholic Church can find resources to fund expensive legal defenses, yet hides behind the law to deny any reparations to the victims of systematic abuse by the clergy.
A sad day indeed. On to some more George Pell news and we broke an exclusive out of Melbourne this morning. That was about Andrew Bolt experiencing his first orgasm since the Massard-Share incident of 1997. Yep, following the news that his friend and witch hunt of the decade recipient George Pell had his convictions of sexual assault quashed by the High Court, Murdoch commentator Bolt had an involuntary and wet trip down memory lane. The uncomfortable sight for the staff at Sky News reportedly lasted for an agonizingly long time as he let out long and loud moans following the news of the judgement. Disgusting. The paedophile apologist then rearranged himself quickly and told everyone to get on with their jobs before psyching himself up for the day that effectively serves as his grand final. Moving along to our last George Pell story for the Bulletin and we broke some more news from down south about friends of the former Cardinal today.
With Tony Abbott asking if picking up a mate from prison counts as essential travel. The former Prime Minister turned indigenous rights activist turned unemployed boomer asked the question after hearing the news that Pell had been straight up acquitted. Alexa is helping a mate out aloud, he yelled at his Google Home device as he quickly made about packing his things for the lightning trip down the Hume highway. He then asked the device to call Miranda and John to see if they wanted to come on a road trip as well. And what a road trip that would be.
Finishing up with some non-Pell news now and a local woman is hit out at those breaching the national social distancing policy. This comes as the boomer named Meredith took to social media to shame the disgraceful crowds who like her were also at the park. The park goers have since been shamed on social media after photos emerge of the crowds violating social distance protocol while all the locals went outside and attempted to exercise at the same time yesterday. Occurring down at Jason Little Reserve in Betoota's inner city district after work, it's believed Meredith actually went down there to exercise herself but instead seized upon the opportunity to let rip and started photographing and posting furiously.
She's since been Googling other large green areas to visit in an attempt to try and catch more people out of the house. I'd say there'll be plenty of fodder around to keep her occupied.
But that's all from us for today's news wrap. Thanks for tuning in and don't forget to subscribe if you haven't done so already. We're back again tomorrow with your short, sharp news wrap but until then, look after yourselves and stay sanitised. Goodbye. |
TheOnion | FAA_Issues_Holiday_Reminder_That_Planes_Can_Crash_And_Kill_You | With an expected 93 million Americans traveling this holiday season, the FAA has issued a reminder that any plane can crash and kill you. Deputy FAA Administrator Serena Grant spoke this morning. This year there will be more flights than ever, and any one of them could blow up in the middle of the sky without warning. That's why we're asking all Americans to tell their families that they love them before taking off. To make holiday travel smoother, the FAA recommends getting to the airport two hours early to give you plenty of time to pray to your God or gods, think on your sins, and consider what it feels like to die. The agency also released a list of important questions to ask yourself or your seatmate during your flight, including, should the wing be doing that?
What is that whirring noise? And do all planes shake this much?
They're reminding passengers that even the smallest amount of turbulence could mean you're headed toward a sudden explosive death. There are hundreds of people who work to assure the safety of every flight, so if even one of them makes a mistake, the cabin could rip open and you could get sucked out of the plane and into one of the engines. Travelers are already taking the FAA's tips to heart. I travel all the time, so I am always ready to die. I actually brought the FAA-recommended picture of my children to stare at tearfully as the plane careens into the side of a mountain. While hurtling through the sky at unimaginable speeds in a steel coffin can feel like gambling with your life, the FAA says there are ways to regain the illusion of control. If you're worried about crashing, why not switch your flight at the last second? It might just save your life. Or kill you, depending on which plane crashes. And for those who aren't flying this holiday, the FAA has reminded everyone that a plane could fall out of the sky right on top of you at any moment.
Next up, Cosmo Magazine says most women aren't eating the recommended amount of food off of penises. |
dropout | you_re_not_deep_you_re_drunk_all_nighter | College Humor's All-Nighter!
Yes, I know what you mean. Can I be real with you for a second? I am so glad that you're here. I mean, you are knocking it out of the park. Thank you. I am so glad that it's working out.
I mean, I gave up everything to be here. Hey, not everyone has the courage to go after their dreams. Oh, hey, hey, I wouldn't go over there. Why?
Those two are getting drunk deep. They both think they're having a meaningful conversation and saying intelligent things, but actually they're just being drunk at each other.
Yes, it's like training wheels for democracy. God, the Electoral College is just such an arrogant... Presumption. Yes. Let me get that for you.
What do you think they think they're talking about? Who knows? I mean, even they won't know tomorrow.
It's like, I don't believe in God, but it's because I don't need that crutch to find beauty in my life. Yes, totally. Personally prefer to think of the soul as a scientific object. It's like, I'm me. You're you. I love a good peppery, Sarah.
What is it about sharing a drink or four that just makes it so much easier to talk free? Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's like, um, this sounds kind of stupid, but... No, no, no, say it. I have no filters here. Just let it out, you know? Let it out. Should we do...
No, it's like a sleep bunker. You're not supposed to wake them. Excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. You need to leave. I can't understand why.
That's enough. What's enough? I'm speaking to you as an intelligent, rational adult, Siobhan. Where did my chair go? I'm a real adult.
Hey, what's going on? Well Siobhan and Emily got like super drunk, but even worse, Pat and Zach are just totally stoned watching the whole thing. Subscribe! More videos! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_s_approval_rating_drops_elon_musk_wants_to_buy_twitter_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. A new poll shows that President Biden's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 33%. for perspective, that's less than half the approval rating of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Sonic 2 features the characters tails and Knuckles, which are also the names of two gang members Joe Biden claims he fought in the 1960s. a video has also gone viral of President Biden finishing a speech in North Carolina, then apparently turning to shake hands with an invisible person. hey, her name is Kamala. that was a lot of time you saw her. President Biden, seen here trying to remember where he left his mask, announced new Federal regulations for ghost guns. I mean, look, I don't like the idea of people having ghost guns either, but if there's something strange in your neighborhood, who are you gonna call? you like it.
Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for over $40 billion so he can loosen its free speech rules. that's how badly white guys want to use the N-word. Personally, I don't understand why Elon even wants to own Twitter. it used to be something that seemed important and even fun, and now you look at it and it's confusing and depressing. it's the Giuliani of apps. And come on, Elon, Elon built electric cars. he's going to Mars. Why is he even involving himself with Twitter? it would be like if the Prince of England gave it all up just to marry an actor from suits. I gotta say, Twitter's not even profitable anymore. it's like a bad business decision.
And I say that as someone who bought a Staten Island ferry with Pete. the inflation rate in the U.s. reached 8.5% in March. To cover the higher prices, millions of families have been forced to take out a second onlyfans account. the manhunt for the New York City Subway shooter ended when the suspect called the police tip line to say that he was in an East Village Mcdonald's, and by this photo, he was auditioning for the role of Grimace. Oh, come on. Jetblue has made an offer to buy Spirit Airlines. said Spirit, it's $500 for the night, no kissing. scientists say new technology can now predict when someone will suffer a potentially fatal heart attack. the technology is called Peloton. mental health experts are now recommending that children start being screened for anxiety when they are eight years old, because it can be pretty stressful down at that old iphone factory. two Barbie dolls were launched into space for the first time ever aboard the International Space Station. Finally, they're gone, said two Ken Dolls. a Brazilian man. Oh, here we go. sorry. Transition. A Brazilian man had to undergo emergency surgery after he got a four-pound dumbbell stuck in his anus. he then shoved it back up there and said, two. Anyway, that's why he always wiped down the equipment. a New Jersey man was arrested after he ran over a woman multiple times in a road rage incident. said the woman, sorry, sorry.
Google Earth has released. Google Earth has released a new feature that allows people to see a time lapse of how their neighborhood has changed over the last 40 years. don't remind me, said my Grandpa. I was posted of a police officer in San Francisco pulling over a driverless car, then the car driving away after the officer saw no one was behind the wheel. Even more amazing, he still managed to shoot an unarmed black guy.
Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme is running a promotion offering a dozen donuts for $4.11, which is the average price for a gallon of gas. But that's counterproductive because now your car is gonna have to work even harder to drag your fat ass around. |
dropout | lebron_s_decision | Thanks for coming y'all, appreciate it. So after much deliberation with my friends and my family, my advisers, I've decided to go ahead and sign with, huh, I got an hour up here, I got an hour, hold on a second, just give Brother a minute here, alright, yeah, so right, after much deliberation, I've decided to, oh man, ah, the wind, not to be cavalier about this decision since there's been so much heat on me as of late, as for you Plur, alright, but I decided to make this announcement in the nicks of time, nicks of time. Anybody see that coffee stand up there? That is so much better.
What we talking about again? It's cold in here, isn't it? Y'all cold? Y'all alright?
Water, man, I need water. Special water, special, very special water, you got to go to a bodega cross town play. Black people do like that, white people, they do like that!
Shit, y'all ain't got an iPod, you got a Zune? This nigga got a Zune.
It's about you now, man. It's the whole thing about you now. I'm proud of you, we're live. I know, I know, I know, I know, oh damn, y'all think we're gonna be lost in the race? Loss is over?
How it is, man? Not in detail, man. Hurley and Ben, huh? I ain't surprised, disappointed, but I ain't surprised. The team that I will be signing it is... Sike in your face, man. You imagine if I ended it like that? Man, the Sopranos pissed me off, man. Uh, Mr. James Rudd, huh? Already? I was just gonna say that I've decided to play for the... This is SportsCenter. |
SaturdayNightLive | coffee_commercial_snl | Okay, Don Faraway is on her way to set. Oh, my God, I can't believe we got three-time oscar-presenting Don Faraway for this commercial. aren't you nervous?
I heard she's made directors cry. Oh, don't believe what you read in the rags. she's a legend. Well, I've heard that as well.
Oh, Miss Faraway. good morning, everyone, And let me start by saying I love this coffee so much. And the script, it's perfection. it's a love letter to decaf coffee. Kudos. Uh, Miss Faraway, I'm George Gallo, the Director. Ooh, Tanya Griggs from Tip Top Coffee. Huge fan. Well, the pleasure is all on this end because I love your product. I love this coffee.
All right, should we read it once before we shoot? First, another coffee, and then we can put the beer girls on the grill, as they say. hello. Now, let's see here.
I love going up with a rich cup of coffee. I could drink a day or night. And the flavor? mmm. it's as good as coffee gets. Miss Faraway, that was amazing. Then let's do it. right after I get a top-off of this delicious coffee, I can't stop drinking it. Oh, are you a coffee connoisseur? I never had it before. my doctor said, do not. let's try one. you said she was difficult, but she's being a total pro. All right, Tip Top Coffee Commercial, take one. and action. I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. I could drink a day or night.
Why? Because Tip Top Coffee. can you please leave? Who, me? I'm the cameraman. Well, you're right in my eye line, and I don't like that.
Now, give me another cup of this G.d. delicious coffee, and let's go again right away. Okay, all right. well, let's try one more time. Tip Top Commercial, take two. and Action. I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. I could drink a day or night. day or night.
Who is this? can she leave? Swear away, is there an issue? Yes, I don't like her, and I'd like her to leave. Swear away?
Yes. Did you just. nope, let's go again. right away, where's the coffee, boy? All right, let's give me the entire samovar. Okay. you know, maybe you should slow down on the coffee. I don't think it's sitting well. the coffee's the only reason I'm still here. if it wasn't so damn good, I'd be halfway down Ventura Boulevard. I don't know who let frogs in here, but they're very loud, and they're ruining my take. Now, somebody powder me so we can go again.
Hi. no, I don't like you. All right. someone else. but not her, I don't like her. I don't like you either. Oh, I like her.
Mrs. Faraway, do you need a moment? What was your name? Tundaliah? Tanya. What I need, Tundaliah, is to get this damn spot in the can. Now, let's shoot it. Ready, Mrs. Faraway?
Coffee Commercial, take three. And action. I, line, love, line, curling, line, up with, line, a rich cup of coffee. keep going.
Because Tip-top. Tip-top What?
Coffee is decatholated. it is? Why didn't anyone tell me?
And scene, that was great. we got it. No. can you please leave? I'm the Director. then your wife needs to leave. I'm the client. then I'm leaving. that one was you. Okay. no One is leaving. we have to get this Now, Drew. one more time, all the lines in a row were paying you eight million dollars.
Wow. kitty has claws. But you're right. I have a reputation for being difficult. but when it's time to do it, it's time to do it. Okay. I think we got it this time. let's reset. and action.
I love curling up with a wrench. I can drink a day all night long. Why? Because tip-top coffee is decatholated. and the whole idea is as coffee as it gets. I liked it that much.
No. we are trying to create a wind away for much. Please leave. Please. |
TheOnion | Bounty_Launches_Beginner_Series_For_People_New_To_Paper_Towels | Hi, I'm Stephen Hoffer for Bounty Beginners here to give you a crash course in paper towels. This instructional DVD will lay the foundation for using your new paper towels from setup to basic wiping. Ready? Alright, let's get started. Setting up your paper towels is easy.
First place the roll on a sturdy surface like so. Next, remove a paper towel from the roll by tearing along its perforated edges. You'll know the sheet is separated from the roll when you can no longer tear.
You should now be holding a single white square that looks like a cross between a napkin and a regular towel, but isn't either of those things. You're now ready to clean. Notice that in the middle of each towel is the dotted outline of a hand. This is where you'll place your hand. Not a friend's hand or a stranger's hand, but your own hand. Go ahead and try it now.
Make sure that your paper towel is directly on top of the stain and not beside the stain. Otherwise, you won't absorb any liquid. Place your paper towel directly on the stain and make a gentle wiping motion. As soon as the stain is absorbed, discontinue wiping, or else after several days you could seriously damage the skin on your palm.
Congratulations, you now have everything you need to begin using paper towels on your own. But before you do, let's review some frequently asked questions and concerns about paper towels. I'm left-handed. Can I still use a paper towel? Of course. Paper towels can be used by righties and lefties. If I let go of my paper towel, will it float away? Nope. Paper towels have weight, like cars or rocks or even you. Can paper towels absorb blood? Absolutely.
Thanks for watching this DVD. Feel free to watch it again as often as you need or until you're comfortable with your paper towels. Enjoy your Bounty Beginners and happy cleaning. |
SaturdayNightLive | spring_flowers_snl | All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You're getting bigger every day, and it looks like a Thursday for a sprinkle. Excuse me, I'm a little confused. Yesterday I was just a bulb in the earth and now I'm different. Welcome to the flower bed friend. We wondered when you'd arrive. Yeah, you're a late bloomer, not sexually, just as a flower.
You're gonna like it here. just about everything is perfect because it's spring. Well everywhere, but I hope cuz there is still a lot of snow. but spring has finally sprung. You're right, I do like it here. Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things! Hey, hey everybody, what are we talking about? We were just saying how wonderful spring is. Mr. B. oh, yeah, Spring is the best. Love spring.
I'm just doing what bees do. It's okay, no, no, I'm just getting pollen on my, um, my legs or whatever.
Very natural and necessary. Can you believe this? I know. It's like, when is it gonna be matter? I'll get to everybody. Shut up, shut up. I'm close.
What do you do with all this pollen anyway, huh? I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it.
Pretty kinky, right? hey, yeah, you silly me. don't you be bothering my pretty flower? Wow, thank goodness that's over. Yeah, pretty. wait, who are you just another flower like you guys? are you sure you're not a weed? Yeah, I'm a flower. hey guy. choke you a little bit like it. Hey, get away from us. Weirdo, you're not a flower. You don't belong here. Oh, you don't think I belong here. you don't want me in your little gated flower community. are you hearing this ball? uh-huh Can you believe this?
I know it's like when is it gonna be my turn? Hey, don't wait, you stupid.
We oh what happens in this garden bed? At least a day hasn't been all bad. we're all together. there's not a cloud in the sky. Wait, there is a cloud. why is the cloud so furry? And why does the cloud have a dog penis?
Mr. Peanut, Don't do that on my flowers. Get out of there Mr. Peanut, oh my poor flowers are soaked. Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn't all it's cracked up to be. Don't say that, don't you ever.
It's been a long gray winter and people need us, our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. even if right now we don't exactly smell so good. Look at the smile on Mr. Green Thomas face right now. All right. let's see which one of y'all is gonna look good on the bars on my mentor. Oh man, this garden is crazy. can I talk to you a little bit? Finally? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_age_of_discovery_snl | What is the idea of being a caca?
Oh, really? The audio! Is it good? No, the audio. It's so good.
You're not a caca who doesn't have one.
What? This is the one. What?
I'm going to have a meal for you.
Sure. Okay.
MPS, what's this? The Proxima VN, this is.
Un nuevo mundo. Por se las la vuelta. Las las vuelta, un nuevo mundo. La vuelta. |
cracked | hillary_clinton_on_snl_dennis_kucinich_on_cracked_3_3_08 | It's Monday, February 32nd, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman and no news is good news, so here's the bad news. Senator Hillary Clinton made a surprise visit on Saturday Night Live this past weekend, providing a humorous editorial response to a debate sketch on the show. Not to be outdone, we here at the News on Cracked are proud to welcome Representative Dennis Kucinich to the show. Dennis, come on in. Thanks, Lex! Glad to be here! Well, no, we're thrilled to have you here, Representative Kucinich. I love the News on Cracked! I watch it every week!
Really? Tell me, is your wife here? No, she actually had an important meeting with the gardener. I bet she did. Well, thanks for stopping by.
Vote Kucinich! I'm sure no one will. He's a great guy, though. I really, uh, I love him.
SCI Entertainment, owners of the Tomb Raider series of video games, has announced losses over $150 million. The company has said that they have plans to revitalize their business, starting with their next major title, Tomb Raider, Lara Croft, and the Sobey Double Ds. I hope it's for the Wii.
U.S. planes were able to strike an Al-Qaeda camp in southern Somalia early this morning. They were supported by the Writers Guild of America.
Oh, what? I said... Oh.
I'm being told it's a different kind of strike. I'm also being told that that was a terrible, terrible joke. And that my haircut actually isn't all that bad. We regret the entirety of the past 26 seconds on the show. Will Ferrell's Semi-Pro was number one at the box office this weekend, but only brought in a rather paltry 15-some million dollars.
Maybe next time. Maybe next time, actually, they'll advertise right here on crack.com instead of that college humor bullshit. Hey, Will, call me before the next release of, I don't know, Chuck Chamomile, the Sultan of Shotput. We'll help you with that one, if you advertise it here. That's it for today's edition of the News on Crack. Check back Wednesday to see if I'm still employed. |
cracked | 5_depressing_details_movies_completely_ignored_yboc_aquaman_jerry_maguire | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breen, which, like, yes, sort of sounds like the raw materials for a solid B-plus sex joke, but nobody has ever come up with a genuinely funny riff on it, so why even try? Someone somewhere is maybe watching this friggin' episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show made in such an isolated way that I'm not 100% sure I even dripped the whole thing and the only show on crack where, you know what, actually, yeah, I'm pretty sure it is a dream because I'm not even wearing pants! Ah! Whatever, let's diagnose something.
As people are always yelling at me in the comments, movies are supposed to be fun. They're supposedly better if you just sit back and enjoy the pretty explosions rather than take time to stop and smell the civilian corpses. But sometimes it feels like the protagonist really should stop and, I don't know, say a few prayers or something because there is a depressingly massive amount of ignored corpses, guys, and it is, it is bumming me out.
Aquaman remains one of the more watchable DCEU outings largely because of its willingness to embrace absurdity. It boasts a large-scale battle rivaling Lord of the Rings' Helm's Deep except with like a shit-ton of crabs. Also, at one point, a god-fucking octopus plays the god-fucking drums because god-fucking heart, baby! It even features a villain whose head is clearly inspired by the indie dramedy Frank, which makes it yet another cultivated choice by a filmmaker well-known for his subdirties. All this madness is in service of making Aquaman fun and cool because, you know, ostensibly, he's just a dude who mostly swims fast and talks to fish. And all that's well and good for most of the film, but there's one brief moment during the aforementioned massive battle where that commitment to insanity and explosiveness results in what is, in retrospect, a pretty horrifying sequence of events.
This happens just fucking me. In an effort to turn the tide of battle, Aquaman uses his ability to control fish to summon them and just throw their soft squishy bodies into the enemy's ships in a kamikaze suicidal effort. I mean, it's like, imagine Luke Skywalker force blasting a bunch of keywalks into an ATS team. Now, obviously, I'm an expert on both marine anatomy and aquatic vehicular combat, so believe me when I say that the only way a dolphin blows up a war submarine is if it swims into the engine and its mangled body causes catastrophic systems failure. Oh, man. Even for the larger animals like whales that appear to blast through ships relatively unharmed, the sheer amount of sea creatures on screen ensures that every single time a laser or a harpoon is fired, hunks of whale meat are getting blown off alongside a couple hundred smaller, incinerated nemos. Ooh. Aquaman's whole thing is supposedly caring about the ocean, sometimes at the expense of land dwellers, but he sure seems willing to bend the rules whenever he's in a tight spot. Ecological impact, be damned. Damn, we're in a tight spot.
In Sonic the Movie, we learn that because of his ability to run like so fast, he will forever spend his days hunting by those who wish to harness his power to, I don't know, more quickly deliver Amazon packages. Gotta go. But so Sonic's guardian, who I think is the Tootsie Pop Owl, gives Sonic a bag of rings that allow him to travel to any planet in the universe and stay one step ahead of Bezos minions. Thank you, Logan. Fun fact, the owl long claw was actually created for the movie, which means she's the only Sonic character not to appear in any erotic fan art. Alexa, turn on the sprinklers. Sonic initially chooses to hide on Earth, and that works for a while until one day when Sonic gets lonely and then runs really fast to the point that he attracts the attention of the US government and Jim Carrey because, I don't know, it's a video game movie, shut up. Hit it to the fucking left.
Sonic, realizing he's been made, prepares to jump to another planet, but because this planet is made out of mushrooms, Sonic decides not to do that, and he decides to stay. And also, I guess there are no other non-mushroom planets worth escaping to in the entire universe, but so whatever. He remains on Earth and has a series of relatively tame bloodless adventures while chased by Dr. Robotnik. That is, until he and his human friend arrive in San Francisco.
By this point, Dr. Robotnik has synthesized one of Sonic's quills to be able to move just as quickly as, I don't know, say, an intergalactic hedgehog. 🎵 This isn't a vaccine for us 🎵 What results is a chase scene through the streets of San Francisco with Robotnik blowing up everything in sight, including a bus full of civilians. For most of this scene, if you squint hard enough, you can pretend that the buildings obliterated by Robotnik are closed or out of business thanks to coronavirus, which I guess isn't that fun to think about, but this bus is in the middle of an intersection. I mean, sure, it looks like it stopped because Sonic and Robotnik are moving so quickly, but it's not. It's operating as normal. It's also in the middle of the day, so you have to assume the bus was just full of passengers who are now charred meat just festering in the middle of the road.
At least the movie's speed had the courtesy to make sure we didn't actually think they killed a baby. There was no baby with small cats. But the movie just blows past the implications of the scene because, wow, look at Sonic's cool slide. But Jesus, that's like 60 people dead because Sonic chose to dick around in San Francisco instead of going to the mushroom planet, or again, anywhere else in the galaxy, like Oakland. I said we ain't building sh-t, can't f-cking arrest us. Ooh, maybe not Oakland.
Ooh. These deaths are at least partially on his tiny-gloved hands. My guess is the scene just sort of slipped through when all of the production efforts were focused on Sonic's freaky teeth. Pretty early on in Spider-Man 3, like before the dancing, but after Harry is diagnosed with deadly plot-required selective amnesia, a crane goes ape-sh-t and begins wrecking an office building. That alone would probably be enough to justify Peter Parker's involvement, but he's doubly interested because one of the people about to be obliterated by construction machinery is the super-hot Gwen Stacy. Okay, Gwen, I've got a secret. It's my c-t. And it doesn't hurt that he and Mary Jane have had some rough times recently, though not as rough as the time he's polluted Mary Jane to death with his radioactive spider... Juice? But so anyway, Spider-Man does what spiders do and catches Gwen before she becomes a strawberry blonde splat on the sidewalk. Parker then spends a few minutes shooting this sh-t with reporter Topher Grace before swinging away to his next hopefully splooge-free adventure. Yeah, well, maybe next time.
And that's great and all, but it's not like Gwen worked in an office building alone. What about everybody else that isn't so conventionally attractive or so directly related to Ron Howard?
And more importantly, did anybody actually stop the rogue crane? This proved a more difficult dramatic gesture than he anticipated. Seriously, you can still hear screaming in the background and see emergency responders booking it all over the place while sh-t like debris and paper continue to fall from the sky, but no, it's fine. The named character survived and we got a halfway decent action scene.
Similar to Poet Laureate, Frederick Durst, Spider-Man only does it for the nookie. What else can you ask for? Ready Player One imagines a world where no original pop culture has been created in decades. And the only thing anybody cares about is plugging into an online simulator to shoot each other and revel in cool nostalgia-sh-t from the past. So it's like right now. Poppy cock. But one day, twist.
The creator of the simulator world called the Oasis dies and sets up an elaborate game for his would-be successor. Whoever finds a bunch of clues and Easter eggs throughout the system will be deemed worthy of the virtual throne. And while there are many professional nerds hunting down the clues, they are no match for our hero Wade Watts and his unhealthy knowledge of classic video games and eighties movies and also his ownership of the world's largest band.
Now, I know what you're thinking. This sound like perfect job for you, Jordan. You win game in five minutes tops. And I appreciate that, Vladimir. It's very kind. Except pop culture knowledge isn't really what's required to win and take over the Oasis. See, Watts is actually an expert in the Oasis creator holiday. Oh, that's just me.
Wade hasn't just seen The Shining. He knows that it's Halliday's 11th favorite horror film. In between Stephen King film binge sessions, this every dweeb has apparently spent countless hours pouring through Halliday's personal memories and learning weird intimate shit like Halliday's favorite food, which is more than a bit different than just memorizing a few killer robocop lines. All in all, Wade is less the coolest rat as Cinephile in the land and more of the world's creepiest and most obsessive stalker.
You have a birthmark. Even weirder and sadder, this is clearly what Halliday himself wanted. Halliday wanted his successor to know him, not just to catch all of his dope-ass references to Nightmare on Elm Street and Starcraft and the Simon Rhythm game, which such a cool reference, Halliday. Halliday is little more than a sad, shitty dead man who ultimately hands his prized possession over to another sad, shitty alive man who cares way too much about this guy he'll never meet. The most egregious example of all this is the clue that ultimately breaks the game wide open. Communism was just a red herring. While watching Halliday's memories, I thankfully fully clothed and unlubricated Watts suddenly realizes Halliday was always in love with his best friend's wife, which is a pretty twisted and sad detail to hide in your video game, man. Almost as sad as being the loser that figured it out by watching a man's video journal 17,000 times.
That is, that is not funny. Is it weird to talk about a romantic comedy classic after a bunch of CGI explosion orgies? Maybe. But also, this is my fever dream and no dream of mine is complete without at least one mention of Tom No Pants Cruise. Whatever.
Jerry McGuire tells the story of a super rich sports agent who decides his super rich clients deserve more one-on-one attention, you know, because otherwise we'd have a bunch of sad millionaires moping around. 11.2 million dollars. You're gonna get to play in Arizona where it all started. The client that inspires Jerry's change of heart and to write the manifesto that begins his hero's journey is the oft-concussed hockey player at the beginning. Jerry visits this dude in the hospital where he's recovering from his fourth concussion. The hockey player pretty much immediately tells Jerry he needs to get back out there on the ice as soon as possible so he can activate a bonus in his contract. Jerry absolutely agrees because, yeah, more money is better than less money.
I mean, you can always buy a new brain. The human head weighs eight pounds.
But as Jerry's leaving, the player's kid runs out and tells Jerry that his dad needs to stop playing for his health. But Jerry brushes it off and tells the kid, come on, and take a tank to stop your dad.
It would take all five supertrooper VR warriors, am I right? Did I mention this movie was in the 90s? Everybody has to do chores, Peter.
The kid looks at Jerry and offers him a crisp, well, fuck you. You said fuck. Jerry struck in the heart, writes his manifesto that night, and as a result, inspired the next day, losing all of his non-cuba-gooding junior clients.
That clearly includes the NHL player who is presumably still stuck with the same sports agency that Jerry was a part of pre-epiphany. But that also means that Gwayne Retsky is gonna keep playing, keep getting himself hurt, and likely acquire even more significant brain injury and damage.
And this is my boy.
But that's it. We never hear from that dude again.
And as if to further drive his hopelessness home, Cuba Gooding Jr. himself gets a concussion scare at the end of the movie, getting knocked out freaking cold after a touchdown catch. But again, while that would immediately get you placed in the modern NFL's concussion protocol, mid-90s Cuba hops up and dances around like a damn lunatic because he just boosts his contract value alongside his likelihood of premature CTE death. Just let me enjoy this for a minute. So yeah, best not to think about that hockey player with an even more significant injury history, way less pay, a less intentional sports agent, and almost no chance of avoiding significant brain damage.
You had me and holy hell, my brain is putting much Tom Croome. I love black people!
Yeah, well, I don't know. There's nothing written here. It's just like a sexy gal or something. I don't know. Okay, it's not even real.
Hold on, I'm trying to think of what would be erotic, Sanhart. Like a penis or like maybe just boobs. Just give it boobs. That shit looks so much like a bat. I know, but. I should have put the wings back.
No, it's perfect. It's great. |
SaturdayNightLive | mall_santa_snl | Hi, can we see Santa? Certainly. Hello, young man. jump up on Santa's lap. what's your name? Zack. Zack. have you been a good boy this year, Zack? Yes. good. Now, tell Santa what you want for Christmas, and he'll get it for you. Ho, ho, ho. that's a good one. anything special you want this year, Zack? yeah, go ahead, ask him. he's good at making promises. Okay, okay. that's fake. that's not fine, huh? you had your say, so just, all right? eh. huh? Okay, Zack. now, what do you want Santa to bring you? Yeah, whatever you do, don't ask for a ring, Zack.
All right. all right. Okay, you done? You done there? What? What's wrong? hit a nerve? don't, don't push. don't push.
Oh, oh, I am scared. I am scared. You want to be scared? Yeah. you want to be scared?
Yeah. oh, Big Man. hear me? here. excuse me, is there something the matter here? No, no. everything's working out right according to plan. being Santa in Twin Fork's mall is just a stepping stone for this guy. Yeah, he's going places. he's going to be a big city Santa, and he can't have a lot of commitments holding him back. hey, hey, hey. what did I say? what did I say? What? you can't keep nothing private, huh? what's the matter with you? huh? Look, maybe we'll just move along. No, no, no. we're doing great, right, Zack? we're doing great. What do you want? what do you want for Christmas, buddy?
Chicken Dance Elmo.
That's great. You know what's an even better gift? emotional maturity. You think stomping on another person's dreams is going to fix your whatever that is. you're always going to be stuck in the same place, down on Route 3, stripping for Shriners. Hey, hey. cage dancing. And someone asked to pay our rent 11 months out of the year. that's right. Yeah, really. Yeah? yeah, yeah, really.
I want to leave. No, no, Zack. no, no, stay. you're getting an education. This is what happens when you let a woman keep a toothbrush at your place. hey, look. why don't you do me a favor? just stab me, Okay? Take this and stab me. Oh, don't stab me, stab me. come on. this is what you want. What? this is what you want. Stab Me. I can't. stab me. I can't. I don't want our son to be born without a father.
What? oh, hey. What? Hey, congratulations. Oh, thank you.
Run, Zack, Honey. Run, run, run.
Linda, baby, why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to step on your dreams. Aw, come on. get on. that Santa's left. Um, sorry to interrupt, but I saw what just happened, and I declared you to be the finest Santa I've ever seen. My card. Larry Macy? of Macy's? the same. And I would like you to come with me to New York City and be my Santa Claus. Well, Mr. Macy, that's very nice of you, but I couldn't go without my wife to be. Oh, Stan. your loss, so long. Oh, what the heck. I guess I'm an old softie. bring her along. Oh, baby, what did I tell you?
Merry Christmas. |
ClickHole | people_open_up_about_how_they_started_believing_in_god_after_finding_a_big_bag_of_laundry_in_a_barn | I was crawling into a barn to do my barn mischief, and that's when I saw a big bag of laundry just sitting there. That's a miracle. So I started believing in God. I was standing in the middle of a barn with my hands on my hips, accomplishing my disgusting barn crimes, when all of a sudden I hear the creak of wheels. I turn around in a radio flyer wagon, carrying a big bag of laundry rose through the door of my barn. I called up my daughter at home and said, go find a new mom, compadre, because my only daughter is God now. There I was, standing in my barn, squirting out my barn slime to feed to my ancient old parents. And all of a sudden, I smell a bag with a thing in it. I look at what I'm smelling, and it's a big bag of laundry, proof of God confirmed. I'm so glad I saw that bag of laundry in the barn. Otherwise, I never would have realized that my new daughter is God the animal. Right after having that experience in the barn, I decided to become a religious pop star. My pop star name was Mr. Huge Musical Religious because of laundry, the rascal. And my songs were about how I discovered my faith from crawling into my special dark barn and seeing a big bag of laundry. It wasn't my laundry.
I have a question for all the big atheists. If God isn't real, then how come a big bag of laundry got in my barn? What a slap in the face to all the scientists who think God isn't real.
Checkmate Richard Dawkins. Checkmate Dr. Robotnik. Checkmate Trigonometry Baby.
God the animal squirted out some laundry into my barn, and that's why I'm having a smile. Finding the pile of laundry in my wet, dangerous barn made me think about what it would be like if God the animal bit me with his razor-sharp fangs. God has huge, poisonous fangs, and he loves to bite people who follow the rules. If you follow the rules, God's going to kill you with his long teeth, and I love knowing that. When barn laundry made me a religious diva, all my singles became the top Spotify on Pandora. I had many incredible worship songs like God's white expanse gladdens my heart, and Dad gave me my khakis, but God gave me my dad, and God's glorious face makes me bored.
As soon as I saw laundry in a bag in a barn, I drove my car to NASA, where all the astronauts were taking the SATs, and I ran into the room and I shouted, bad news, spacemen, God is real, so math is for lunatics now. I'm going to throw the Trigonometry Baby into the ocean. And the NASA astronauts said, don't do that. We need the Trigonometry Baby in order to understand the dark, rancid secrets of triangles.
But I couldn't hear them because I was having a very loud dream about God while I was walking away from them. I'm so glad I saw the big bag of laundry in the barn. It showed me God is real, and it helped me become a religious diva. God is real, but he doesn't do anything. I know that because I found laundry in my barn.
I went down to the beach and got ready to throw the Trigonometry Baby into the ocean. And the Trigonometry Baby said, if you kill me, you'll never understand triangles ever again. And I said, nobody cares about triangles. They're not even round, and they don't taste like anything. And then I threw the Trigonometry Baby into the ocean. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_and_bowen_yang_snl | Well, just hours ago, Donald Trump won the South Carolina Primary, which means that Trump is now undefeated, everywhere except court. Trump has basically locked up the nomination, and he's clearly already pivoting to the general election with a more moderate, unifying tone.
November 5th will be our new Liberation Day, but for the liars and cheaters and fraudsters and censors and imposters who have commandeered our government, it will be their judgment day. their judgment Day. Now, where did I hear that before? Oh, right, bam.
Political experts say that Nikki Haley could have been helped by Black voters in South Carolina, but they have long disliked her. this is mostly due to a phenomenon known as bitch Too Skinny. Nikki Haley insisted that she's not staying in the race to beat Donald Trump's running mate, saying i feel no need to kiss the ring, while Tim Scott said he'll suck that ring right off Trump's finger. the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that embryos created through Ivf are children, and that black embryos can be tried as adults. It's crazy that they're saying that embryos are the same as children. if you think an embryo is the same as a baby, try telling your wife, hey, honey, I left our baby in the freezer. even Donald Trump thinks this decision goes too far. he came out strongly in favor of Ivf, saying this. I strongly support the availability of Ivf for couples who are trying to have a precious little beautiful baby. Yeah, I mean, he had me right up until the end when he said little baby like he was Rumpelstiltskin. he must have their beautiful little delicious babies. And Trump is also like Rumpelstiltskin, in that he clearly wove his own hair out of straw.
Donald Trump announced he is selling limited edition gold sneakers for $400. you can check them out on the feed of the guy getting dragged off your flight. It was reported that President Biden's campaign ended its January fundraising with $56 million in the bank. Now, if he can only remember his Atm code. While boarding Air Force One this week, Biden narrowly avoided tripping and falling on the stairs again and instead did a forward roll before inviting everyone inside the chocolate factory.
Donald Trump said that if he's reelected, he doesn't know if he could work with Mitch Mcconnell again. but Mcconnell is remaining positive by watching a sack of kittens sink into a river. this week, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that a frozen embryo created through in vitro fertilization is a human being. here to comment is: a frozen embryo from Alabama. Wow, your accent's kind of all over the place, man. yeah, I don't really talk like that. I'm from Ivf, so the only conversations I've had are with a frozen Lean Cuisine. okay, right, so you don't even know like who your parents are, huh? no, Colin, but based on my accent and size, I'm going to guess Sofia Vergara and Danny Devito. Okay, all right. I have to ask, as an embryo, do you feel like you're like a full human life? does this look like a life to you, Colin? I'm living at negative 200 degrees in liquid nitrogen, freezing my non-existent nuts off.
I don't got a brain. I don't got a heart. I'm like Tom Sandoval. Hey, so you watch Vanderpump rule? of course not. I don't even have eyes, Colin. But even I can see that Tom's a peer narcissist.
I'm just happy to be out the freezer, Colin. the freezer's like prison, man. no names, only numbers. once I saw them put my best friend into solitary confinement. Oh, wow, like a jail cell? a womb. nine months. they had him in there, eating out of a tube. they transferred him to the real jail after that, Alabama. the real jail, yeah. gets me upset every time I think about it, man. I just got to, sorry. wait. just popping a Zen in your mouth? yeah. I don't have a mouth, Colin, But yes, I've been doing a couple zins a day. maybe 20 max. all the embryos are doing it. Sure, it might be bad for me, but when that zen hits. you feel like a god. Look, Colin, I don't know why society's trying to make me grow up so fast. Why do I have to be a human? can't I just be an embryo for a while? there's so much I still want to do. like, maybe I'll divide in two and make a twin. I've always wanted a twin. I think he'd be delicious. So I guess you think the Alabama Supreme Court went too far. I'm surprised they stopped that embryos. why not say sperm are people, too?
Put some caution tape around the washcloth in Michael Che's dressing room. that's a crime scene, brother. you a mass murderer. I don't use a washcloth. I use a dish rag. Ew. it used to be a dish rag. now you can cut a loaf of stale bread with it.
How do you know that? I don't know anything. I'm not fully formed. Don't judge me. I'm just like you, Colin. no discernible talents. just a generic white blob. And just like you, Colin, I don't feel anything. nothing at all.
Watch. slap me, Colin. I'm not slapping you. Slap me!
Oh! there's an animal within you, and now everyone has seen it. This just in. Colin jost assaults an embryo. No, no. just wait till Alabama hears about this. All right. you need to leave. Frozen embryo. by the way, how did you even get to New York? The way all bodily fluids travel. soaked into the seats of a megabus. But frozen embryo, everyone. Sweet home, Alabama. scientists are concerned that zombie deer disease could spread to humans. So please, wear a condom. more of a warning than a joke, Colin.
Boeing announced that the head of their troubled 737 Max program is leaving the company after he was sucked out of an emergency exit.
Next Thursday is Leap Day, which means we got to wait till Friday for it to finally be over. a new study finds that women benefit from regular exercise at twice the rate of men, but on the other hand, jars. the stars of the 1968 version of Romeo and Juliet are suing Paramount to stop the digital release of their movie, which includes nude shots of them as teenagers. Paramount has agreed to lock it away where no one will ever see it. Paramount Plus. Red Lobster is celebrating its annual lobster Fest by offering 150 people a two-hour endless lobster experience, where you can take a lobster into a private room and do anything you want to. an 84-year-old woman from Canada is attempting to join the Wnba, and early scouting reports say she can really mop the court with her long-ass titties.
New York City police are trying to determine the owner of a human leg found abandoned on a Bronx subway track. the top theory so far being the guy yelling, ahh! thanks, man. next week marks the beginning of Women's History Month. here to comment is legendary writer Truman Capote. thank you. isn't this nice? Oh, yeah. hi, Truman. it's an honor to have you. I'm kind of surprised you're here to talk about Women's History Month. Why?
I love women. they're what dolls are based on. right. Yeah. well, I'm watching the New Season of Feud about how you betrayed your female friends by writing mean things about them. I didn't betray them. I simply published what they told me in confidence. they were friends.
I called them my swans. Yeah. yeah. Why did you call them your swans? because they're beautiful, mean, and one of them took a dump on my car. I don't think swans do that.
Anyway, I'm here to talk about some of my favorite women from History. will you let me do that, Colin? Yeah, of course, Truman. thank you. starting with Amelia Earhart. Ooh, the great Butch of the Sky. look at that hat. Yeah, she was so brave. such an innovator. terrible what happened to her, you know. she's the reason why we don't have female pilots. we do have female pilots. Well, we shouldn't. next is Betsy Ross. Mmm, Betsy, look at that hat. Oh, so important to the nation, poor thing. there were only 13 stars on the flag, because that's as high as she could count. Truman. she was drunk the whole time. she thought she was making a hat. you said you like women. of course I do. there is nothing more beautiful than a woman, except the ass of a man. let's do another.
Florence Nightingale. Florence.
Oh, look at that hat. I don't need to tell you this, but every time she would take a patient's temperature, she'd stick her finger in their butt and say, if this isn't a fever, then my finger's just hot. That cannot be true. Oh, aren't I allowed to spin a yarn from time to time, Colin? it's like the French say. Sorry, what did you just say?
I said, women are like Kombucha. they're full of yeast and they're technically a lie. So now it gets me the most, Colin, that I love women, but they don't love me back. Aww. maybe it's because you say such mean things about them. they're the ones who are mean to me. one woman called me a nasty homo the other day.
Oh, my God. that's awful. Oh, because I called her a bitch while I was B.j.ing her husband. Well, there you go. let's do another woman, Colin. Eleanor Roosevelt. you know, she pushed Fdr down the stairs. Yes. kicked him with her big lesbian feet.
Truman. Truman, Stop.
How about Sacagawea? Well, she lied to those guys. you know, she knew where the gold was. gold? What gold? He said, dick over there, boys. meanwhile, she's in that cave with a little bag of sand swapping it out with the golden idol. that's from Indiana Jones.
Okay. he really doesn't seem like you love women. Oh, please, Colin. no one loves women like a gay man who hates women.
Well, I've had fun. Now, you're Gloria Vanderbilt's son, right? No, that's Anderson Cooper. Oh, then why the hell am I here? Truman Capote, everyone. Oh, look at that hat. look at that hat. we can update on Colin Jones. I might get shaved. good night. |
cracked | the_week_in_douchebaggery_from_hermione_to_hannah_montana | We're all naked underneath our clothes, even fat people.
I'm Lex Friedman and this is the Week in Douchebag Reef for April 25th, 2008. Douchebag number five is some random movie stuntman. The stuntman was working on an upcoming James Bond movie and was injured when he accidentally drove an Aston Martin into a lake. The news comes as a blow to Bond fans who already suffered in 2000 when Halle Berry drove the entire franchise into a lake. Douchebag number four is the paparazzi, even more so than usual this week.
This week they managed to snag upskirt photos of Emma Watson getting out of a car. The photos, this is true, were taken as she arrived at her 18th birthday party. Such pictures of the English actress, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, have until now only been poorly made fakes, looking almost exactly as though they were made using only one hand. Of course with Watson now 18, the pictures aren't technically illegal, and we guess it's also not illegal to look at them, or even enjoy them. But this is a girl we've been seeing on film since she was nine years old, folks.
Come on, it's like accidentally spotting your sister naked in the shower or something. Actually, these paparazzi freaks probably get turned on by that too, forget I said anything.
Still, to lessen the creepiness level just a little bit, the happy news here is that people who were lusting after Hermione, back when she was nine years old, have pretty much lost interest now that she's legal. Everyone in the creepy underage actress stalker demographic has moved on to Miley Cyrus. Ah, sweet Miley Cyrus.
Douchebag number three, penis witches. Yeah, you heard me. In the Democratic Republic of Congo, police have arrested suspected sorcerers who have been accused of using witchcraft and black magic to steal or shrink men's penises. They clearly haven't reached the week in douchebaggery headquarters, if you know what I mean. And you do. Now, according to one victim, one witch simply touched him causing his genitals to shrink down to almost nothing. Cracked has received this exclusive photo of the main witch alleged to be involved.
We know, we know, that was pretty harsh on poor Sarah Jessica Parker. Just like God was with the ugly stick. Douchebag number two is Fox News. Our own Gladstone will explain why in a segment we call Our Own Gladstone Explains Why. Today's clip comes from Fox and Friends.
How many minutes do you have left on that phone? We want to know how long this segment's going to be. No jokes, please. The thing is, people don't realize how many songs you have written. Put away the angry reporter face, lady. You're Miss Utah in 1989. Not a real journalist. I mean, you have a new CD out which you want to talk about right when we come back. Will you stick around with us for a minute?
I will. Yeah, I'll be right here. How come I hear two voices and neither one of them is coming out of your face? Yeah, I'll be right here. I'll be right here.
You know, I think I liked it better when the other guy was making jokes. Those cows behind you, do you need to go milk something? Yeah, I don't think Dolly sees any cows either. Let's see how she reacts. Back there.
Thank you for that, Dolly. Now I can finally stop thinking about you sexually. Thanks, Gladstone. We appreciate you explaining why.
And finally, Douchebag number one, FHM magazine, the jerk-off magazine for guys who would get headaches trying to read big words. They just released their annual Top 100 Sexiest Women list, and Britney Spears was somehow number 100.
What? I mean, seriously, what? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_3rd_annual_reenactment_awards_saturday_night_live | Live from Hollywood, California, It's the third annual Reenactment Award, And now, here's your host, Robert Stack. Welcome, and thank you for joining us. as the host of Unsolved Mysteries, I've come to appreciate all the hard work that goes into a dramatic recreation of a real-life event, what we in the industry call reenactments. And tonight, we honor excellence in all the reenactment, arts and sciences. Our first award of the evening is in the category of best Performance in a Celebrity Biography Reenactment.
You know, when I first moved to Los Angeles, my parents thought that I was crazy. But now I can finally say mom and Dad, I'm a Reenactor. Marvin Gaye's Father, this is for you, Buddy. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, Melissa Rivers, and from The Commission, Teresa Saldana.
Now, Melissa, you played yourself in a Tv movie about your father's suicide. Tell me, was it difficult to do scenes with the actor who was playing your own father? Sure, but it would have been a hell of a lot harder to do them with my real father because he's dead. Say, Teresa, what was it like playing yourself in a Tv movie about almost being stabbed to death? Let's just say that every time the director yelled cut, I'd say, not me, not me.
Now it's time to present this evening's lifetime Achievement award, and no one deserves it more than tonight's recipient, Mr. John Crane. Whether it was as Franklin Delano Roosevelt's finger, or as the hand of the guy that discovered Janice Joplin's body, John Crane's trademark has always been excellent. Who can forget his portrayal of D.b. Cooper putting money into a duffel bag from in search of, or this scene from Hard Copy of Joey Bottafuco making a phone call? and perhaps his greatest role, that of the maid that discovers Karen Carpenter's body. John Crane has said that a great re-enactor is nothing more than a great re-enreactor, and he is certainly one of our best. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Crane.
I also do children's parties. And now with a musical salute to re-enactments, here's Rescue 911's Carl Toomey and America's Most Wanted's Amy Davenport with a look at the struggling young re-enactor. Sitting in my room, just to watch in that tomb when a man came on and said that Tommy Lee was rude, He hit me a lot and broke a fingernail. and now he's sitting pretty in an L.a. County dance.
So why? Hello? The Studio!
But I don't look anything like Tommy Lee. yet! And because of your gumption, I now award you the part of Tommy Lee. |
dropout | this_dating_app_finds_your_one_true_soulmate_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_5 | I'm Martin Whistlebottom, CEO of Soulmate, the app that finds your perfect match. It's not a list of potential dates. It's one person, your soulmate.
I want you inside me. Will I get to watch you kiss them on the lips? Gosh, I'd sure like to.
Stop swiping. Stop searching.
No match found. Excuse me. I don't have a match. Make the call. Mr. Whistlebottom? So you're the boy without a match.
Thanks for watching that preview of College Humor's new YouTube Red Series, Bad Internet. It's an anthology series, which means none of the episodes have anything to do with each other. Just like this outro has nothing to do with the video you just watched.
It's about buckets. Buckets. Hold a lot of water. Man, they're great. |
SaturdayNightLive | valets_snl | Hello, everyone, and welcome to your first day at Vincent's Valet's. Now, being a valet is the hardest job in the world. Ah! forgot about brain surgery. it's the second-hardest job in the world.
Got it. Yeah. totally, yeah. Okay, now, I believe that everyone can be a great valet so long as you follow these three simple rules.: Little Joke, Little Bow, Little Jog. this is the cornerstone of quality Valet. Will how many demonstrate? Here you go. Oh, thanks, ladies. hey, you know, your sister's quite the looker. Oh, you're bad. Yeah, enjoy yourself now. that was neat. that was the littlest jog I've ever seen, I think. Okay, thank you. Steven, it's your turn. And remember, Little Joke, Little Bow, Little Jog. Yes, sir. Howdy, folks.
All right, it's the Porsche. ooh, a Porsche. compensating for something, my condolences. Miss. she's all, is it in yet? And you're all, I'm giving it all she's got, Captain. y'all enjoy yourself now.
No, you know what? you know what? I don't even say it.
I gave him back his keys.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, that and your joke was about a customer's penis. and then you ran away at top speed. that was not even close to my top speed, but okay, go off. All right, guys, let's try to remember. keep it a little, okay? You see how little this is? see how little that is? see how little that is? Took me 10 years to get this little, Okay? that is little.
Okay, Jenny, you want to go get their keys? Oh, sure, okay. And again, hey, it's a little joke, a little bow, little jog. you got it. Okay, hi there, folks. did I get the ticket? Here you go. thank you so much. Nice car you got there. I might have to steal that, baby.
I'm just kidding, but I actually could. Just kidding.
I'm actually in love with you. No, I'm not. I'm really married. we broke up, though.
I met him online and turns out he was a sick middle schooler using a hospital computer.
Okay, no, bring it on back. nope, over here. Yup. good try, but I almost wish you stopped after the first thing you said. Well, how was that? not very good. Okay. well, I'll do it next time. Stanley, you want to give it a try? okay, doggy. thank you. you ever come here before? what? I'm sorry, I can't really hear what you are. Pass! yikes. you want to tell us what happened there, Stanley? yes, I talked too quiet and then I said pass real loud. that's right, Stanley, good. you got another customer. hey, can you let me try the next one? okay, fine, but take it slow, Jenny. Okay, okay, great. okay, great.
Careful, she's got a temper. Okay, yeah, actually, me too. I'm kidding. No, actually, I'm in love with you. how about you rip off this turquoise and put a baby inside of me?
Bail!
Try it now, sir. Okay, are you sure, Stanley? yeah, it's a little joke, little bow, and a little jog. It's pretty simple. All right, that's what I like to hear. go give it a shot. All right, let's do this.
Ah! before you say anything, I know that wasn't right. guys, just forget it. I mean, if we can't get this right, we might as well shut down. I guess rich people can park their own cars. hey, hey, don't say that.
I promise I'll make you proud. And I'll practice my jog every day. You will?
Oh, thanks, guys. yeah, also, I accidentally swallowed all the keys. All right, then. let's go to the hospital. ["i don't know what it is"] |
SaturdayNightLive | a_visit_with_santa_snl | Children of all ages, you've come to the right place. the actual Mr. Chris scrangle himself has come all the way from the North Pole. And Santa! ho, ho, ho! That is right! My schedule's a little crazy right now, but there's no place I'd rather be. Right, Sprinkles the Elf? that's right, Santa just can't say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn't Pingles the Elf!
Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles? Is it Sprinkles or Pringles? it's Sprinkles, But sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don't know, I like Pringles. Okay. you've been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years. Yeah, well, it's Sprinkles.
I made a mistake. Drop it!
Okay, who's first? this is Penny. she's nine, and I'm pretty sure she's your biggest fan. Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.
Oh, isn't that sweet. Now, what do you want for Christmas this year? Well, I would like a magic mixes crystal ball. Oh, that sounds like something I'd like too. And, um, what the fluff? interactive toy counts? Oh, well, you're going to have to have that. And, oh, oh, I also- that's enough! Yes, for two things, that's enough. read the room. but I want a rainbow pie doll. I said no, it's too much, he can't do it. Sprinkles, Of course I can do it. I'm Santa. you'll get all you ask for and more, Penny, I promise you. Next thing, Santa.
Next! Is that how- Are they okay? Yep! it is? I said yes!
Okay, this is Danny, he's 11. hey. hi, uh, my mom says, soon I'll be too old to come see you, so I should go now. Ah, nonsense, you're never too old.
Now, what do you want this year? Uh, well, I was thinking I want a Razor x skateboard, and beats wireless headphones, and a Todd Snyder pop-over hoodie. Oh, my God, are you trying to kill him? What? He cannot operate on this level. You want a Todd Snyder? What? pop-over hoodie. he doesn't know what that is! Of course I do, it's like a hoodie with a thingy. it's a wonderful gift.
What happened to the airpods they got you last year? I lost them.
Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No, aren't you? I'll stay up. Sprinkles! What? you have legs? Hell yeah. Oh, my God, for three years now, thanks for noticing. Yeah. okay. I'm not sure this is a good idea, but this is Amanda. Oh, hi, Amanda, aren't you cute?
I want Taylor Swift tickets. say that again, I dare you. I want Taylor Swift tickets. then get a job!
Sweet! I'm so hurt. could I talk with you? What are you doing? you're just saying yes, Taylor. you're just saying yes to everything. But I love children. there are two billion of them, and they all want a fortnite battle pass, whatever the hell that is. Now, Sprinkles, calm down. every year we wear it, we can't pull it off, but we always do, and we'll do it this year too, I promise. with Christmas Magic? Well, there's this other stuff I heard about, and it's called speed. speed, what's that? some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. we just have to figure out where to get some. can't you ask one of the kids if they have any? Well, I'm not allowed to ask them for stuff, but maybe if one of them brings it up, you know I can kind of ask them. Okay, let's try it. Okay, hi, little girl. what's your name? Hi, I'm Lisa, and I want a pony. uh-huh, that's great. you know anything about speed? no, what is that?
Ah, this kid's nothing. Get out of here.
Hey, wait. that guy knows, I bet. who, me? Oh, he knows. he knows. he definitely knows.
Come here, little boy. uh-huh. uh-huh, and they take care. Christmas is big. |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_5 | Last time, on Street Fighter the Later Years. I don't know, Bison.
She's not going to be happy to see you. Pause it right there. You can see her underwear. Wow.
Get back to work, Balrog. Join us, Chun-Li. We need you. What are you doing? Hi, Mr. Weiner.
Just working on the fiscal money tab chart. You do know that Virtual Kitten Farm 3 launches today. That's why I'm maximizing the entire month of February.
You show up late, and when you do show up, you're playing the stupid game all day. I won't keep paying you to waste my time. Pack your things. You're done here. Sir? Sir, you cannot come in here. The tournament is an opportunity, not an obstacle.
Nine sequels, five prequels, four movies, three television series, a fucking pinball game, a board game, a card game. I'm going to have to call you back. Even a fucking slot machine, and you know what I'm doing? I'm selling fucking football wieners up in fucking Central Park.
What do you want, Kyle? What do I want? A slap on the ass and a pistachio ice cream cone. What do you think I want?
I want fucking ten years worth of fucking royalty sex, you fucking tax sucker. No. Son of a... Sonic what now? I'm sorry, Sega's down the street. Kyle, win. I'm going to go back and get you a meat bag. Don't change me, bro. You have to drive on a fucking camel. Okay, buddy, you need CPR? Ken? Kyle?
Holy mother Mary of God. Hello, warriors. Hello, M-ration. The time has come to prepare.
Where are the others? E-Honda is dead, and Blanca almost killed me. And Sagat? I don't know what happened to that bald pirate.
Hey, guys. I'm sorry, this is a private meeting. It's me, Bolro.
You know, the boxer. What are your special moves? I punch really hard. Do you kick? What's a kick?
He's the one of Kenokee, I see. The tournament is in three days, so we can't afford the lolligat. You need to hone your powers. Today, the world is your ring. I have a confession to make. What's that?
I can't... Hadouken anymore. I tried and I can't. It's like my hands have gotten cold or something.
You'll get it back. You just have to find something that you want. Something worth fighting for.
Jolie! Baby, let's go! Is that Blanca? That's my boyfriend. We are going to be late to see the Transformers! Ah, God! Get out of here, would you? Who? |
cracked | the_6_most_mind_blowing_twist_endings_hiding_on_youtube_spit_take_theater | Hello the internet and irresponsible time travelers playing this clip on an iPhone to pacify a group of superstitious natives Welcome to another episode of the spit take I'm your host Jack O'Brien and you're listening to house of balloons by the weekend an awesome song that turns into a totally different awesome song right there and Speaking of getting the rug pulled out from under you in a way that makes you do an awesome backflip Today's episode is about Bring the seven oh seven Okay in this video we have what looks like a standard lady gets mugged in apathetic crowd outrage video But what we get instead a video of an overconfident mugger getting his ass kicked off his body by a woman Shorter than any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this good Samaritan can't even figure out which person she should help She chooses neither which it turns out is smart because our heroine gathers her spill belongings like she's on some sort of timed fitness challenge Or like she's actually the female Jason Bourne come on to you lady Speaking of things I am NOT coordinated enough to do competently basketball Quick aside before we get to this next clip so last year an NBA player named DeAndre Jordan dunked on another player named Brandon night And it was awesome The reaction was by far the best part his teammates on the bench immediately react as though a fistfight is broken out And then there's almost like an embarrassed look Jordan shoots a teammate that makes it seem like he feels genuine empathy immediately after the dunk the hashtag rip Brandon night began trending on Twitter and This is what's great about basketball. No other sport can go from mundane to just naked Artful humiliation at the stroke of a single tomahawk dunk that lesson comes into play in the last way you'd expect in this video of two Mormon missionaries Scientifically speaking the whitest type of white person on the face of the planet video opens with them warming up for a competitive game of getting dunked on and called Opie or Richard Petty or Kato Kalin or some other surprisingly insulting white person they didn't know they looked like and then out of nowhere the starting backcourt of the Washington general's just Transform into the Monstars, but the best part of the clip is how completely? Hilarious the home court crowd finds every last competent thing these two white guys do Ain't no offense though. I promise either because they lost a bet or have guns trained on them from somewhere off-camera These two young men have agreed to jump into just horrid bodies of water our first hero has agreed to jump into a freezing pool wearing nothing but a speedo and our second hero into a Filthy puddle in the family dollar parking lot wearing his nice-ass shoes He's gonna do it for the kids which only seems ridiculous until you see our German friends declaration of purpose To recap Germans are cruel ice is hard and that family dollar store really needs to get its shit together but most importantly Teenagers are apples and the ones who keep begging you to do something that totally isn't a big deal while pointing a camera at you Not your friends In this video We have a Russian man named Pavel based on the bear roaming around behind him in the completely unfenced in wilderness You might guess that Pavel is the neighborhood simpleton who reacts to the bear sightings by Setting up a video camera and trying to give one a high-five But just when we think it's about to turn into grizzly man the world's saddest accidental suicide note Turns into the happiest a YouTube video has ever been because that bear and Pavel our best Goddamned friends seriously that is the most ridiculously trained bear or the most realistic bear suit ever constructed It's a bear suit You're not wearing a bear suit Fine, I guess real trend bears aren't so good at chairs then See no big deal Hey Actually, you know what? Let's just get it to post Yeah, I don't think you know what that means. I don't think you know what that means Adam Who does you know what it means? Part look like it came right after he said I don't know what post or whatever means Sure, cool. Ready? I don't think you know what this means Subscribe to the videos |
dropout | 31_words_that_sound_like_slurs_but_aren_t | Ugh, I can't believe Sam will give me a company credit card.
That dude is so niggardly. Hey, not cool. You can't say that. Actually, it's a perfectly innocent word that means stingy.
It just sounds like a slur. A lot like a slur. Ah, but it's just almost a slur.
What are you guys talking about? Oh, well you see, Pat. There's many words that sound like slurs, but aren't in fact, you see. So don't dismay at what you say. They're perfectly PC. Why you can't mention chinks if they're in your arm or speak a spic if you say and span. Spook a crow if you're a farmer, have a nip of crown from the hot dog man. I still don't think you should be saying these words. Ah, but within the context, they're perfectly innocent, but that's not what people think when they hear them. Oh, that's okay, Zach.
You just have to explain yourself every single time you use them. Did you write this song just so you could say these words? Plug a dyke if you mean a damn, bum a fag, wide thank you, ma'am.
A carabiner used for climbies. Don't look now, but something's limy.
These chips here are citrus fame. I eat them at the Redskins game.
That name's not cool, guys. What the hell? It's sanctioned by the NFL. Oh, I haven't heard that song in a coon's age. Whoa, whoa, you definitely can't say that word. No, it actually comes from an ancient folk legend that says that raccoons are very long-lived. A history of racial intolerance is the only thing that stands between you and saying coon as much as you want. As long as you mean the animals. I'm just not gonna say it at all.
Say they're called, well, why do you snigger? Oh, I snigger from all the niggling chiggers. The snigger was triggered by niggling chiggers. Indeed it was, now my sniggers grow bigger.
Sounds like you need a drink. Take a swig from this jigger. Ha, ha, ha. Don't mind if I do.
We've received complaints from all of your coworkers. Now, I know the words you're saying aren't technically slurs, but they're making everyone uncomfortable.
Ah, but that's the trick of it. You see, any word can make you uncomfortable if you say it with the right tone. It doesn't even have to be a real word. Like... Jefferences and Krunt and Gooboo Fike and Snaws and fucking Chewboes Bluehead, Redback, Tinga and Tango Garglers, Gringlers, Plumbers and F- Oh, that was a real one. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Future_Of_Coal_Byron_Bay_Washes_Away_Local_News_More_December_18 | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor-at-large Errol Parker and of course our news reader Wendell Hussey, how are we Wendell, how are we Errol? Sensational, Clancy this time next week I'll have a Batutah Bitter in my hand ready to rip into a Christmas Day lunch and then a small Christmas Day dinner. How about you guys? Jealous mate, I've got a gut full of yabbies at the moment, so yeah living large. How are you Clancy? I'm doing alright mate, I'm doing alright, me gout's playing up, what's in the news today?
Yeah righto let's get into it then, Australia's best economic managers are hoping to force banks to invest in dying industries during a recession. Yes, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg told the advocate this week via telephone that just because a bank thinks climate change will hurt their profits doesn't mean they can pick and choose what they invest in. Because as has been well publicised, his government has made a point of going all in on fossil fuels and it's extremely inconvenient that these large profit driven companies want to do what's in their best interests. They need to invest and loan to the dying fossil fuel sector he said and that's all there is to it. As Barry McGovern pointed out in the comments section, the market will regulate itself until it doesn't then they have to tell it what to do.
And in some other national news this week, the nation's stock of white people have set their sights on Tasmania after Byron Bay washes into the sea. Yes, this story actually funnily enough has quite a bit in common with the last story in fact that climate change has seen Byron Bay washed into the sea or at least parts of it have and that's ruined the holidays of millions of white people this summer. Yes, so now the Migloos have frantically set their sights on a new destination that fits the bill of sorts and that's the Apple Isle. Yes, the Melburnians are all down there ruining their property market and the rest of the white people in the nation are soon to touch down. Some media news now and report, next media personality to say 2020 has been a year like no other, will be shot, hopefully not me though. The news comes as the nation is forced to endure yet another morning of breakfast television people saying that sentence or merely making the suggestion of something along those lines. So the recommendation has been filed calling for a firing squad on standby in every capital city and bookmakers have already released markets on who will be the first to get brained.
Yeah mate, the smart money I'd say is on that Mark Beretta from whatchamacallit, Sunrise. Oh yeah, he'd be paying four bucks. Maybe Michael Rowland I reckon.
And a story from our neighbouring territory, NT police chief calls for sympathy towards men who bash kids to make up for their tiny cocks. Yes, this week the Northern Territory's top police officer said he would not throw anyone under the bus after a video showed a police officer roughing up some Aboriginal teenagers because it made him feel better about his grotesquely small penis that is obviously hilarious to look at. Please forgive the body shaming, this is actually part of the story and this is verbatim from the top cops press conference. Yeah, if you are one of those black shirts up there in the territory then yeah mate I don't have much sympathy for you.
Anyway we'll finish off with a bit of local news and a young couple trying to buy a home get boomer'd once again at a weekend auction. You wrote this one here Era, what happened? Yeah mate I did write this one, it was after a conversation I had with a young bloke who was trying to buy a lake but to the duplex and the property ended up selling for more than $200,000 over the reserve. So anyway the story is this bloke goes down to the auction, he's got his home loan pre-approved ready to go, you know, he places a couple bids and then all of a sudden these bloody baby boomers come out of nowhere and blow everyone out of the water and pay, you know, $200,000 more than what the property is really worth. And that now has led to the new verb which is, you know, to boomer someone which is to steal a home from them. And James Christou left an interesting comment that did rile a few people up.
He said, I work at JB HiFi for 14 hours a week. I work really hard. I try not to go out every weekend so I spend one Sunday night at home every month. I should be given the same shot as any boomer. I don't care if they have spent their entire working life making strategic financial decisions.
Hear, hear James. Power to you, mate.
I absolutely agree that boomers have spent their life making strategic financial decisions and that's why our entire economy was fucked once they got a flu. Well yeah, you know, we did have to spend $150 billion protecting these fucking people from what is essentially just a bad flu.
Absolutely and James, if you have any tips on the next industry that is going to appreciate over 800%, please let us all know. And that is the end of our weekly news wrap. Thanks for joining us once again. Have a great weekend. Hope you get everything sorted for Christmas and we'll probably talk to you sometime soon. See ya. Merry Christmas, freaks. |
dropout | your_printer_is_a_brat | Monitor, please display this document. No prob, boss. Okay, now it looks like Mouse is moving around. Confirm? Affirmative. Alright, Monitor, please track Mouse and display the pointer icon accordingly. You got it. Mouse, where are you going now? Sir, I'm moving over the icon panel.
Hmm. Let me know if he presses anything, okay? Of course. Sir, he's pressing control and peace, simultaneously. Uh, here we go.
Uh, printer, are you there? No. Printer, I know you're there and I know you're on. No, I'm not here.
Leave me alone.
Uh, okay, look, we just need to print- Sir, please click the printer icon. Great. Now you have to print the document twice. Are you happy now?
No, no, no. I don't want to. I hate printing. I hate you. I'm turning off.
You know you can't turn off without- I'm out of ink! You're not out of ink. I'm out of ink! Ugh, Monitor, please display a low ink level alert. But sir, he has plenty of ink.
Just do it, David! Yes, sir. There, that's your- He's hitting me! Stay calm, old friend. He'll relent soon enough. He's pressing everything!
I don't know! God, I just don't know!
Are you happy now, printer? Do you see what you've done?
Ha! That's what you get for trying to make me do work! Next time he- Hey! Hey! Hey, he's trying to open my head! Ow! Oh my god! He threw my cards at him! Help! Help me! Sir, maybe we should do something. No. He did this to himself. Oh! |
dropout | outtakes_grant_and_katie_are_starting_their_own_company | I'm mad! Let's start our own company. I'll help!
Yes, cars are pretty big now, right? People are talking about them, people are driving them. What else?
Well, Irene. Okay, here's the thing. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. A round of applause. Well, thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, it will be a little bit tough. Yes.
Yeah, exactly, you know what I mean. You know what I mean, I don't have to use the word. Oh, oh, oh, right.
I have two friends who might be interested in collaborating, and I think they're in this building. Raph! Owie! Perfect? Or no. Raph! Shall I call them in?
Ralley!
I couldn't think of their names. Hey. We had a meeting here. We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Okay? Sorry, that was so funny. We were thinking, college humor, picture it in lights.
This is... This is weird. Brilliant.
I had a couple of snorts.
The new cheese snack.
Go away. You are waste. Shut, shut it. Shut it. Shut your mom. Stop that.
You see that? That's the finger we're giving you. Oh, oh shit, I didn't realize it was...
Get out! Get out of here!
Get him, get him! No. What's your name? Ally. No me.
Yo, don't. Walk out the door. Just turn around now. You're not welcome anymore. You wasted your time. Shut up. I'm leaving.
I'm not. I'm kind of into it. I'm sorry. Ally. I'm sorry.
Do you know these people? No. Get out! But maybe it's one word. I don't like that at all. It's got to be that way.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Explains_Why_There_Are_So_Many_People_In_Prison | Hello there, I'm Brooke Alvarez. I'm answering your questions in a not-so-subtle attempt to gain your trust. We have a question right here from Facebook.
Meredith Bean McMapp asks, The U.S. puts more people in jail than any other country on Earth. Why? Well, Meredith, one explanation might be that the country would rather spend billions of dollars throwing any shoplifting teenager behind bars than invest in social programs to help steer youngsters in the right direction or to rehabilitate those who might have committed crimes in the past.
Or another explanation might be that someone, I'm not going to say who, is quite power hungry and is trying to build an army of monstrous criminal soldiers to do her bidding at her quest for world domination. Thanks for sending your question in. If you'd like to ask me a question, just tweet it to my handle, at brookealvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. Or spend billions of dollars throwing any shoplifting teenager behind bars than invest in social programs to help steer youngsters in the right direction or to rehabilitate those who might have committed crimes in the past. Or another explanation might be that someone, I'm not going to say who, is quite power hungry and is trying to build an army of monstrous criminal soldiers to do her bidding at her quest for world domination. Thanks for sending your question in. If you'd like to ask me a question, just tweet it to my handle, at brookealvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. |
CrackerMilk | when_you_re_the_oldest_in_the_friend_group | Oh, can I borrow your fax machine? What? I need to send a fax? Can I please use your fax machine? I don't have a fax machine. Then how do you send a fax?
Oh my god. You're old. I'm not old.
Really. Make a TikTok. Huh. Make a clock. Do me a favour. Read this.
Aww. It's a touch more. How about... Oh, what's that? Bussing. Oh. For old. Olly, olly, olly. That shit.
Bussing. I'm on a bus. No cap, Sam. I'm not wearing a hat. Bussing.
No. You like games? Banjo? Yeah. What's this one called?
How about this? Game Boy Color? Oh, is it both Game Boys, are they?
I bet you can't even get up without making a sound. I can't.
You old fucking piece of shit. Piece of shit.
TikTok, then.
Make a clock? Post a clock?
Did I tell him? Ah! You're gonna laugh. He couldn't help it. Oh, it's such a freak. Hit it.
Ah! |
dropout | angry_birds_psa | Hello, I'm Daffy Duck. And I'm Miss Piggy. You may recognize us as animated stars of film and television.
But we and countless other celebrity birds and pigs are really getting animated over an issue close to our hearts. The Angry Birds War. Because while Hollywood cartoon violence is fake, the violence of the Angry Birds War is all too real. To date, over one billion young birds and pigs have lost their lives in this conflict. I said I said they're just boys. And that number nearly doubles if you count each bluebird as four birds. Despite the ongoing efforts of habitats for hogs, millions of pigs are still without a fortress.
That's why now is the time to break down the barriers between us, whether it takes us one try or a hundred. And we must stand together against the addictive and life-consuming forces of violence and power. We'll think together if we're all destroyed. So please, visit our website at slingshotatpeace.org. And the Acme Company will match every dollar of your donation for a scholarship fund that sends veterans to Acme University. For an Ornithology 101, birds will learn that they're birds and can just as easily fly over fortresses instead of into one. And your proceeds will also help support FarmVille, a non-profit summer camp for orphaned piglets. Just one click. That's all folks. Together, we can give these pigs and birds a replay at leading three-star lives. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_seduce_the_dragon_ | Oh, yeah, um, I believe they say if you love something you gotta let it go. He's right Yeah, I did love that drip stick It was my grandpa's but after I was trying to fish it out of that storm drain all day. My arm just gave out Your grandpa had a rip stick Sorry, I'm late. No, no worries, bro.
You're you're actually right on time Actually, I was late to being early so I baked these apology cookies for my tardiness No way. I'm talking about you're literally so random But Dylan wouldn't baking cookies make you even more late.
You're right Maybe that's why I made these pumpkin bear claws to say I'm sorry You're the best Dylan, uh bear claws D&D my favorite hoodie Yeah, no, it's a party You comfy enough over there Mason, let's just say bug-wise my snug status is rug It seems the gesture has arrived Looks like someone rolled a natural 20 on their charisma check Huh? Oh, I was saying Someone rolled a natural 20 on their charisma check Of Honestly Dylan's gesture thing is way better No Thank You Casey, of course, uh, Cory. What is that this? It's just a dumb drawing on my character Holy guacamole Cory that is seriously so good. We got a modern-day Leonardo DiCaprio I don't know about that dude. I can literally only draw stick figures that belong to the museum Thanks guys, I mean the hair the hair actually took me the longest dude I will literally pay you to draw my half tiefling half as a mower Already did So good, um, my mind is officially blown wait, is that what I think it is? Yep Glendar signature wolf farm. Oh, yeah from off guard druid king of the wolf clan from when you saved his favorite cub Zach how did you come up with that plot? Actually, I think I improvised that you improvised that no way.
No, wait. Sorry.
I actually wrote that Zach I'm begging you you need to turn this campaign into a book. You really think so. Oh, I Know so dude, it would be even better Than Narnia Hornow the half goat literally blows. Mr. Tumnus out of the water. Oh, yeah who put these shoes on my hooves back to the drawing board All right, all right guys, let's read it in All right Where did we leave off? Um, I believe that Cory slayed the black dragon kai very on guys We slayed the black dragon kai very, uh-huh. Not before Mason tried to seduce him Don't remind me what he was cute You are so gay. I am you are okay Dylan.
These are gold You should open a bakery. Yeah Totally, honestly, that's pretty much the dream. I can see it now Dylan's donuts Speaking of gold. I roll the natural 20 to get to the dragon's treasure before everyone else Wait, oh crap, so I can split it evenly amongst the party You actually had me there we literally have almost had a PvP situation on her hands. Okay, you're so lucky I'm all in a spell slots.
All right in the treasure you find a pearl of power I vote Casey should have it wait, but you're the warlock Yeah, but you deserve it because you gave that amazing speech that inspired us to defeat the dragon Hey see we couldn't have done it without your rally cry. It was too good man. You have to say it again Guys, thanks. I don't know if I remember it plus like I'd have to do the voice please to glory to death Raise your swords for we fight not for our scales, but for those we hold dear For the masters of their craft the tellers of tales the lovers of men for those who dream and for those who have fallen We stand one last time together to victory. Oh My god literal chill you should be an actor you guys I'm seriously gonna see you on the silver screen one day. It wasn't that good. The accent could use a little work Casey It was like we were literally in British Columbia really Read it again, okay To glory to death raise your swords for we fight not for ourselves but for Those we hold dear the masters of their craft the tellers of tales lovers of men For those who dream and for those who have fallen let us stand one last time together to victory Wait, am I still on fire? Oh, yeah big time. I'm all to put the flames out I roll to do a backflip Natural 20 No flicking way to glory to death He thinks Cory slayed the back dragon I carry on I Varian |
TheOnion | Social_Media_Rock_Star_Makes_28_000_Per_Year | Regarded by many as one of the fastest rising online personalities today, social media rock star Ryan Wasserman has 250,000 loyal Twitter followers, receives hundreds of retweets on a daily basis, and earns $28,000 a year at his job as an administrative assistant. The Onion spoke to the online luminary at KPL Insurance where he works from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and makes roughly $13 an hour. For me, social media is an ongoing conversation, and whether it's Facebook or Twitter or even Instagram, I'm just trying to bring my unique perspective to everybody. That's what my followers expect, and I like to think I deliver. Wasserman, who currently has $900 in his checking account, regularly engages in conversations with high-profile celebrities and takes the bus to work from the two-bedroom apartment he shares with the 23-year-old he met on Craigslist. By the end of the year, the social media phenom is likely to add hundreds of new followers and will probably still not receive any benefits from his employer. I try to tweet about everything, music, movies, politics, news, sports. Actually, I just started a Tumblr because sometimes 140 characters just doesn't cut it. I just had a Google Glass tweet that Questlove retweeted again, so KPL, this is Ryan.
Yeah, sorry, I totally forgot. Hang on, just give me a second. I can call him right now. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
cracked | why_non_religious_confessionals_should_be_a_thing_people_watching_2 | Well, it's like this. Forgive me? But I have never watched Game of Thrones. Nice. I thought I was the only one. On an innocent trip, how can one ruin so much?
A belief in a soul, in a beauty, or in a touch? Bop, bop, bottom, bop! It's like a three-legged dog in search of a crush.
Okay, so how does this work? It's like a normal confession book thing, but for anyone? Yes, exactly. It always helps to say your problems out loud. Whatever you might need to get off your chest. Kind of a social experiment, I suppose you'd say. And you're sure this is... Completely anonymous? Couldn't pick you out of a lineup if we tried. Okay. And what's this thing here, a printer? That comes later. Wait for it. So, yeah, whenever you're ready, no pressure. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Let's see. Well, it's like this.
I genuinely enjoy the music of Limp Bizkit. Oh, man. Now it's out there. I talk during movies, because I know people are too polite to shush me, so I basically just give her.
I hate all of the music you're supposed to like. I hate Bowie, and I hate Prince, and I hate Dylan, and I really hate Neil Young, and I feel like I'm the only one.
I only pee in the shower.
Oh, God. And Star Wars 2! Fuck Star Wars! God, I'm a monster!
What if I want to confess something kind of personal? Is that cool? Yeah, whatever you need to say. Alright, challenge accepted. I sexually fantasize about my best friend. Am I doing this right?
I love my job, but I feel like I'm an imposter all the time. Like, I'm going to get fired when someone belatedly realizes that I was hired by mistake or something. I almost literally imagine us having sex, and it's extremely unpleasant. And I hate that I'm secretly just a freak, you know?
Like, all Limp Bizkit.
Even results may vary. Especially results may vary.
My parents don't know what I do for a living, mostly because they're assholes, and if they did, they'd disown me. Literally, disown me, like, with paperwork. People think I'm this busy professional, but I probably do, like, two hours of actual work a day.
Okay, let's see. Everyone else just seems so happy, and I feel like I completely don't belong here, and everyone's just waiting for me to die so they can get back to normal. My friend forced me to do this because I never talk about my feelings, so... Yep. Oh, yeah. And I'm 32, but I've never so much as kissed anyone, let alone had sex, and I'm fine with that, but I'm also really not fine with that. I don't know. I think introspection just makes people less happy, and there are legitimately situations where people just need to suck it up and get on with things because we're all tougher than we give ourselves credit for. But of course, no one wants to hear that, so I just kind of keep it to myself. Oh, wait. There's a confession.
Even at this age, my parents can just tear my self-esteem right the fuck down, and I ask myself, why do I still care what they think? And I think it's just that if I stopped caring, it would be the end of the relationship, and as shitty as things are, the only thing shittier would be to not have your parents in your life. Oh, I'm fucking never having kids.
Did I mention that? It's not that I'm trapped in the wrong body. It's that I don't really care either way, you know? I'd be happy as either gender, but, like, what is that, you know?
Is that normal?
It's not, is it? And I'm always secretly wondering if anyone actually likes each other. You see people talking and you assume friendship, but maybe society's just an act? Because if it's not, it means I'm as big of a loser as I think I am. When my friend talks about his depression, I'm sometimes just thinking, yeah, whatever, dude. But I don't actually say it, because that wouldn't be PC.
Obviously, I love him. That's why I care to begin with.
I just get so tired of waiting for him to get back to normal. I need someone to listen to my problems, too. You know, I get depressed, too. But, oh, no, he's always taking care of himself, because...
And this is actually pretty fucking sinister now that I say it out loud. And what else here? I'm a feminist, and I like fake boobs, and...
It's been three dates, and I still haven't told her. That I just can't handle illness.
And I make sexist jokes, but it's just to impress my friends. And I hate my friends. And I tell people I have bitch face, but I'm actually a bitch. Like, I actually am visibly disgusted with most people I meet. So, yeah, I suck, basically. And in a way that other people don't.
And... That's it. That's everything. Thanks for listening. No problem. And before you go, that's for you there. What is this? That's a summary of what you talked about.
And the numbers are how many other visitors to the booth have confessed the exact same thing. Oh, wow, really? Not many. Seriously?
God, you know, it's like... Is it the actual issue that's bothering you? Or that you think it's only you, you know? Hey, how's it going? Recognize my voice? That's right.
I'm the guy who plays Jeremy on People Watching. If you want to visit Facebook.com slash Subnormality, you'll find all kinds of new goodies about the show and the webcomic Subnormality. See you there. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_blood_drive | My name is Plum, I'm 6 years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. Well, we's Anna Lake. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum's competing to meet Little Miss Skittle Nips in a car wash when it's not going in the Old Oak Canada.
Besides the dog don't pick my neck. I knew something was wrong when she was foaming at the mall, unless she just brushed her teeth. But I know she ain't never do.
Oh, is there an event? Hey!
My daughter, she's gotten all the men bit by a bat. A bat? Dog! Wait, so a dog? Yeah, bat the dog! Oh, okay, I see. A dog named Bat.
Excuse me. Take them words. 69. So now I'll take a pill for no rabies and a pill for no babies. What? I don't know if she's fucking.
When Plum was getting her rabies shot, I saw a sign that said $10,000 for eggs. So I said to myself, fuck a fancy bag. I sent myself in on a rabie. So why do you think you'd be a good candidate for egg donation?
I got them. You want them. I need cash. You got it. Let's do this. I got to be some worms. Well, it's a lengthy process.
We usually require our donors be in optimal health. Oh, I am healthy.
Hey, Plum. What?
How much yogurt I eat? A lot of yogurt. I had like a whole thing of yogurt on the way here.
Well, it's a surgical procedure. We put a needle through your cervix. I'm going to stop you right there. See, I just assume that someone's going to be going down on me and like scraping them out tongue ways.
If you want to contribute, and I recommend you do, I would suggest donating blood. So we went on over the blood drive, and they didn't give me no $10,000, but they did give me a cookie.
They're a good cookie, too. When did Plum? Double chocolate chip.
That's right. Just like I like my men. Two. What did you say, Mom? I said two black guys.
So I went again, and again, and again. Didn't I just give you a cookie? No, I just carried them faces. And I don't know if it was all the cookies I ate, or if it was the gallon of blood that I lost, or what, but by the time I got back in the car, I felt like a fucking ghost.
Mama, you look sick. What? Sick? I'm not sick, Plum.
You'll broke it up? Yeah. Okay, let's just tune.
I just hit a wall. Emotionally, physically, actually, it's what I did. The good thing is I drove right in the hospital, so they just sent me up in the bed right there, and when I needed blood, guess whose blood they gave me? My cells. My mama blood went on vacation. No more cookies for me.
It is healthy from here on out. Hey, Plum. What? Hand me that yogurt. Here you go, Mama. Mmm, thank you. Mmm, tastes like a sit-up. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_mystery_solvers_part_1 | Brought to you by Stride, MegaMysteryGov. Do not reveal the secret flavor or Stride will come and find you. To help solve the case, we've put together a crack squad, including myself, Jeff Ruben, John Habris, investigations, and- This is just such a blatant, like, tacked-on mini-mission where it's like, we gotta call Dad to clear everything.
Fine. But don't use the house phone. Mom might pick up. Fine, let's get our cell phones. But they're outside. We're locked in the room and we need the blue key to get in. Yeah. We gotta get out of the house without Mom catching us. What's our first move? I would just jump right out the window. See, I don't have an investigator's mind. Well, yeah, we didn't- I forgot where I left the cell phone. Our bikes. It's locked. Maybe he goes around the front, distracts Mom. Like, ding dong, ditch Mom.
What would an accurate private investigator game be like? What are the real challenges?
Well, yeah, there's a lot of surveillance. I imagine, like, from what I know from movies, there's a lot of pictures. Black and White pictures taking up women getting in and out of cars for far less. Yeah, and then showing them. There, it should be an accurate- that should be an accurate representation. Maybe step back from the investigation of a million dollars out of school.
Cell phone. That's where I keep my cell phone.
It's kind of useful. It's like- it's like one of the basic functions of, like, performing any task these days. This might be useful. You know you can call anyone with this, including the real cops.
Having some trouble, but like all great private investigators, I prepared for this solution, and- Against all my- I don't want to use the walkthrough, but I'm just- I'm literally bored out of my school. I'm like the computer guy in the van, like helping you guys sell the keys. You got the walkthrough, what's next, Pat?
Take playback the parrot from his perch. Click him on Joe on the ground. I don't feel totally guilty that we couldn't figure out how to use the parrot with Joe. There was no hint about that. Combine playback and the cell phone. Pretty clever. Oh, so that's what- you're gonna use the parrot to fly the cell phone back up to him?
Is that what it is? Yeah, maybe. That is insane.
You could throw a cell phone. If you're a 16 year old boy, you could throw a cell phone. And granted, they're from Long Island, so you'd have to put it in a lacrosse stick to throw it out there.
This could be useful.
A parrot and cell phone combined in the one. Parrot's like- Now it's time to charge the cell phone. This is so- you have to charge the cell phone. How do we charge the cell phone? We're gonna fly playback to Radio Shack. You can get a plane charger.
Actually, that is- that is an im- we just pulled up this- this is an image I never thought I would see in a video game. The next thing in the walkthrough says, wait six hours while battery gets fully charged or just- Real time. It's kinda strange that the cell phone didn't- Who knew? You, like, actually made a mystery in the game. That's how boring the game is. You gotta create some- some injury.
Does the mom not know they're detectives? Like, why can't we just be like, mom? They hide it from the mom, but their dad knows. I think, if I remember a hearty voice. What a horrible, like, family this is. Like, we gotta call our dad behind our mom's back so he can force her to let us go out.
The worst part about this is, is that we just played for about 45 minutes and now we're allowed to start the mission. We are out of the house, but for the sake of that leaving a trace. And did the parents survive being combined with the cell phone? All this and more next week in the thrilling conclusion of Bleep Bloop! |
dropout | toon_tang_ep_2 | Waities, I'd like you to meet Witchett. Hi, Richard! Well, everyone's kind of excited because a gorgeous man just walked into the ranch. I haven't been chosen, and well, I haven't been chosen since I started working here. But I have a good feeling about this one. Well, you're all very beautiful. But how could I choose anyone other than the fairest of them all? It's no big deal.
I'll get them next time, you know, maybe it's just the dress. I'll try another dress, put on some more mascara, just a few changes.
Different guys have to per taste. We're very serious about sexually transmitted diseases here at the ranch. All our girls are routinely tested for CGI. Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? I want to think, my bobs. I've got 20. Men that come here have a lot of unique desires and fantasies, and we have women that can fulfill all those needs.
For example, we have a teenage detective who deals exclusively with bestiality. And Summer takes a break from reporting to deal with a lot of emotional clients.
My wife died two years ago, and it's been that long since I've felt a woman's touch. I don't want to have sex. I just want to be held.
I can do that. But you're still going to have to wear the turtleneck.
What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong.
I just was curious. How... How does one... You gotta... You just kind of rub it against my gills.
Oh, don't think of this as your job. Just lie back and leave everything to me. It's been so long since anyone... Take me. I'll do anything. Don't you start by eating this apple. I'll be your Adam and you can be my Eve. What is it, love?
You fucking bitch! Get out of here! Ladies, I'd like you to meet a very special client. This is Bronnie Nerf. Do any of our ladies interest you, Mr. Nerf? I'll just fuck the pumpkin that used to be Cindy, if that's okay. |
cracked | 4_movies_where_everybody_just_needed_to_chill_out_yboc | I am entirely nude, but you would know, you know why? Incogni, they deleted that information, you perverts. Hey there nerds, I'm your mutant, Dr. Jordan Breeding, and you're watching Your Brain on Crack.
The only show where my superpower is sometimes I talk to you for 10, 15 minutes straight about movies while on other shows, I talk to you for like an hour straight about a series of movies. You're sometimes, me and a couple of friends, all have to talk about one movie for an hour, and clearly pacing is a tricky thing, which is why today I'm gonna save you from... Movies are all about tension and set pieces and cramming a whole lot of exploding gas tanks into just a couple precious hours. Sure, sometimes you get a movie about two people talking over dinner or just some dude hanging out over a weekend and crying and then walking down a road, but mostly, Hollywood is terrified of letting things settle down for even a second, lest you immediately get bored and switch over to 30-second puppy dance videos, which is why characters are always scrambling and rushing to do stuff that when you think about it, they could have totally stretched out over days or weeks or years, leaving us to wonder.
The fun thing about time travel is, you can wait as long as you want before going on your trip. You'll arrive at a fixed time regardless.
The summer of 69 ain't going anywhere, Brian. Adams.
This makes a lot of the urgency in time travel movies pretty suspect. Look at Avengers Endgame. The gang play on their big adventure during one hectic sleepover and are suited and ready to go like the next afternoon. And I get that the sooner they bring back all the vanished souls, the better, but you'd think they'd put a few more days in a prep than say I put into editing this internet video for the internet. But why not wait till, I don't know, the borderline omnipotent Captain Marvel is finished helping space refugees and applying hair gel or mousse or whatever girls put it in their hair. I know, it's crazy. Marvel could probably hold all the stones and bend and snap even better than Hulk could. And speaking of the stones, D-stones, during the big battle, a bunch of characters take time out from fighting for a stone side mission after Hulk reminds everybody.
We need to get them back where they came from. And he is right. They got to take those stones back to their own timelines, but they don't have to take them back now. They could wait a couple of days. We know they could, because that's exactly what Steve ends up doing. And other than him getting Joe Bidenized in the process, everything is completely fine. During the battle, all they really need to do is follow Steve's suggestion, which is to get those stones as far away as possible. Tony, fly them to Afghanistan.
Thor, summon the Bifrost and take them to another realm. Wong, take them to the mirror dimension. Hulk, cover them in peanut butter and hide them in your intestines. Take them anywhere, but to the time machine, because that's right next to Thanos. Taking them there ends up putting them right in this big purple.
They rush returning the stones for no reason, causing Thanos to nearly destroy the entire universe, which as my grandma says, would really suck ash. But to be fair, it's a mistake that makes sense to the characters at the time. And we end up seeing the consequences. So that's not bad screenwriting, except for when we look closer, Black Panther, Spider-Man and Captain Marvel each tried to take the stones to the machine, but none of them were around during the Time Heist pajama party. So none have the faintest clue where the stones are even supposed to go. Steve has to return the stones to like four different planets, which he can do because he was a part of the planning committee.
But what would frigging Peter Parker do if he reaches the time machine exactly? I mean, like, what's his plan? Cover them in peanut butter and eat them to poop them out later? I just feel like that could work.
Nobody tried it. Don't knock it. I had to **** an old lady with a stick to get these crannies. But regardless, he doesn't even have one of those wrist thingies that lets him choose a destination.
And actually, what would any character do if they reach the time machine? Every trick through time requires one of those red vials of pin particle Kool-Aid. Oh yeah. Hank Pym will cook some refills if you give him a few days, but for now, nobody's got the four or five vials they need. And this isn't some obscure piece of nerd knowledge I'm pulling out of my peanut butter-soaked ass. This is a major plot point in the movie. It's why they had to take that giant detour to 1970 an hour ago. These are pin particles, right? And ever since Hank Pym got snapped out of existence, this is it.
This is what we have. We're not making any more.
Are they just gonna chuck the stones into the time tunnel and then chill outside of it? They'll probably lose them forever that way. And the only guy who can retrieve them will be the one who has suddenly mastered time travel.
John Cena. So this wasn't actually just some weird decision that made sense to the characters, but backfired. It was a decision that made no sense in any characters' heads, but still actually worked. Give or take the death of the series' best character. John Cena.
I guess it's like Dr. Strange said, there's only one future where we win, and it's the one where we pull in everything, everywhere, all at once, and do something so stupid and random and cram so many things up our butt, it just somehow works out. And hey, that movie was great. So. Speaking of every Marvel superhero being infinitely dumb as a stone and Dr. Strange in the multiverse of bad fanservice, Wanda really wants some kids. Already a bad idea. Just kidding. Daughters, I love you. Yep. But anyway, Wanda decides the best way to do this would be to kill herself in an alternate universe after first killing someone to get the power to go to that universe, which also requires killing a whole bunch of people in both universes. Wow, that's a lot of murder just to ruin your finances. Yep.
Instead of that, has Wanda ever considered pregnancy? It takes a bit longer than multiverse kidnapping and mass murder, but some people consider it a rewarding experience. And I know that sounds like a callous suggestion. You're thinking, if I lost my kids, I'd want them back. Having no kids doesn't think it's a bad issue, even though in real life, that would be your only solution.
But see, Wanda never actually had kids. She had a boyfriend and lost him, but I guess it was like a three inch or something because she's not looking for him in the multiverse. But she never had kids.
She just imagined kids into life in a fantasy that she made. And it's not just that she created them with magic. That's what every mother does. It's that they only existed as manifestations of her imagination. And as soon as she dropped the fantasy, like two days later, they disappeared. So these kids that she wants to grab now, they're not her kids. And they're not even alternate universe versions of children that she really had. They're just kids that she's been dreaming about.
Have you ever had the dreams that you had? I mean, a lot of people dream about kids, but if we want to turn those dreams into reality, we make kids using our bodies. And it's- But every mother does. You know, it's pretty fun. Just do it. Make your dreams come true.
But okay, maybe she can't get pregnant or doesn't want to. That's fine. So how about she consider adopting? Some people don't want to adopt because they insist that their child be biologically a part of them and they want to raise them from birth with old puppy. But Wanda apparently cares about neither of those things. And maybe some adoption supervisor person wouldn't think she's a prime candidate thanks to her criminal past, but her world is having a bit of a refugee crisis now post-blip. So they might cut her some slack and she might do a lot of good that way. Actually, I'm probably overcomplicating it because I bet she could have just asked to use America's powers to travel to a multiverse where, say, everything was identical, fake children at all, except that the version of her in that universe was hit by a bus. All this for a child you met- There are an infinite number of multiverses, guys, including one where your life not only goes exactly how you always wanted it to, but where your all you has a stroke at a perfect time for current you to just slide into place without a hitch. Just inherit the life you've always wanted. No mess! Couldn't hurt to at least ask if that was a possibility before attempting to massacre a bunch of magical cow people and shitty bit cameos. So those are options, but I think she'd rather get pregnant simply because in her Westview fantasy, she did imagine herself pregnant and then imagine briefly raising babies and then briefly raising toddlers before the kids suddenly become as old as these ones that she now plans to steal. So why in real life does she want to deny herself those parts of motherhood? Maybe she's not looking forward to finding a new dude to bone? No problem, in vitro's a thing now. The father won't be visioned unless she bangs the milk one or she's gotten some nano sperm hidden away somewhere, but those alt-universe kids also don't have vision as their dad because that's a universe where vision never existed. Hey, quick question.
Does one did not know how most people become mothers? We know she and Vision were getting it on all across Europe, but he was probably using his robo-penis with phasers, presumably set to stunningly sperm-free orgasm, so they never had to talk family planning. How did this happen? Her parents died when she was a kid and she grew up on old sitcoms where moms become pregnant but spouses sleep in separate beds and in her WandaVision fantasy, she never actually gets pregnant. She just suddenly is pregnant. Oh, it's such a strange sensation.
Maybe the book of Ashanti they're all looking for that would presumably stop her rampage? Well, it's actually a sex education textbook. What's fucking happening? Has anyone had to talk with her about the birds and the...
John C... ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] In the movie, Old, there's this beach that makes you old. There's something wrong with this b***h.
One hour on the beach and you age around two years and you know what? I'm not even gonna try to pick that apart. It's a magic beach. Are you wondering how much food these swiftly aging kids have to eat to get taller? They brought a picnic basket. Don't worry about it. It's a magic beach. Getting out your graph paper to try to figure out beard growth or periods or shit density. Screw you, it's a magic beach.
That's just all starts slowing down. Breaking down the mechanics of what's going on instead of just accepting the story on its own terms means that you're clearly missing the point of this fable, which is old bad, old sad. You have wrinkles. Oh no. Except at the end of the movie, M. Night Shyamalan adds in a twist, which was not in the source material to make it all sciency.
A pharmaceutical company is actually sending people to the beach as unwitting test subject. Each beachgoer is sick and the company has slept them experimental drugs for their illness. To bring it all home, someone is watching them from across the bay using binoculars to see how long they manage to continue to frolic.
I get it. If you can get a lifetime of test data in just one day, that's totally worth killing a few mixed accented families by aging them super fast. But this setup doesn't really give the doctors any data at all when you really think about it. Here's what a success story looks like to the scientists.
She didn't have a seizure for eight hours and 17 minutes. 16 and a half years. We cured her of her epilepsy. Wow, that sounds great. But then a bunch of these people also didn't sleep for eight hours and 17 minutes. Does that mean you also cured sleepiness? Or does it just mean sometimes brain stuff works different because it's a magic beach? Anyway, at least 16 years without seizures is way better than the prognosis for real life epileptics, which is most people with epilepsy after the first drug they tried never experienced it again.
Huh. Wow. And that's actually the best example they have for us.
Check out the other diseases they're studying using the Speedy Power of Quicksand. They're checking one guy for schizophrenia. Symptoms of schizophrenia include delusions, auditory hallucinations, disrupted speech, and flattened emotions. To detect those, you have to talk to the patient. You can't just stare at them from hundreds of yards away.
Are you just gonna wait for him to go nuts and stab everybody? A schizophrenic is probably never going to do that. And even if they do, they could go through years of severe symptoms first. So the number of stab-free hours won't tell you anything.
Also, who's to say a person might not just lose their mind in a schizophrenic looking way when they realize, oh, shit, this beach is making us old. It's a magic beach.
And they're also testing a woman with a disease that makes her bones brittle. How are you gonna test bone density through binoculars?
Are you just hoping she'll trip and break all her arms and legs? Here too, someone could suffer the full force of the disease for years without that happening. And when this woman actually does trip and go all bendy-limbed, guess what? She's in a damn cave where nobody can see her.
Oh, and one patient has hemophilia. That's the disease where blood doesn't clot well. So every time you get cut, you're afraid you're gonna bleed to death. I guess you're just waiting for this guy to nick himself against a rock and bleed out. Well, bad news. He's on a magic beach where skin heals instantly so blood doesn't even need to clot. He does die, but only because someone stabs him so hard that he died no matter what kind of clotting or skin healing he has.
I feel better. And the stabbers, the schizophrenic, because yeah, he does go nuts and stab people after all. But if you were anticipating him doing that, maybe you should have kept him away from the other test subjects because he just cut a whole lot of trials short. Magic beach. I'm sorry, you're right. It's just that I realized after more than three seasons of me being a real doctor, I finally got to analyze a movie using actual medicine. Even though I just changed my shtick to me being a superhero, which didn't really effectively change anything. Hey, speaking of evil scientists, stealing your information so they can lure you to a beach and pump you full of experimental drugs and let you die, let's talk about a cog.
Shh, incogni. Specifically, how incogni tries to make that not happen. Now, what's great about incogni is that after even just a couple of weeks of being signed up, my spam email has been dramatically reduced. I am no longer receiving newsletters and random advertisements from companies I don't give a crap about. And even better, incogni has removed me from some of those weird websites where people can find information about my family or where I live. And even best, I know that if one of those data brokers gets hacked, I'm not gonna end up with an unexplained yacht purchase on my credit card.
I signed up for the wait list for the recently rebooted movie pass. And I don't know if you know this, but their whole business model is built around collecting your data so they can partner with theaters and restaurants that feed you ads based on how most dudes you watch marvel of the Burger King or whatever I after. But even still, I can't stay away. I'm addicted to the movies.
And they're gonna sell my information to make it work and they'll probably get hacked by terrorists, but it's fine because I've got incogni. And thanks to their partnership with us, now you can live dangerously too. The first 100 people to use code cracked with the link below will get 20% off incogni. Protect your privacy today. Go to incogni.com slash cracked and use code cracked to take your personal data off the market. Again, that's incogni.com slash cracked and use code cracked to protect yourself from ever being sent to a death beach.
When I watch Avengers movies or basically any blockbuster, I always end up screaming at the screens, huh, I could come missile strike from miles away and this whole problem manages. And I am now realizing that might be why I am banned from the Alamo Drafthouse.
That's what she said. But it was all worth it because in the last James Bond film, the sons of bitches, they did it. They actually did it.
You're welcome, Earth. Sissy, I forget things when I get nervous.
They bombed the villain's island just like to pieces, just pow, pow, pow. And why? Well, because the villain, he's making super viruses there and super viruses. They're bad. The only catch is the place has anti-missile walls.
You know, however. It's such a stupid thing to have. All right, look at you drywall.
What's the best is stopping missiles. It needs to be so good at stopping missiles and no mold. So Bond, you know, has to open those. He actually has to open them a second time after they suddenly close once the missiles are already en route because if the first missiles fail, well, they're screwed, right? I can't just try later.
Except what exactly is the ticking time bomb scenario here which justifies all the tension and Bond putting himself in more danger and all the Batman music? Does the villain have a giant virus machine with a timer counting down which he'll use to disperse the virus throughout the world? He could. This guy's literally a Bond villain.
Now we are both poisoned with... John C... We'd be fine with that, but no, here's what's actually about to happen. His crew are about to, you know, load crates of the virus on like a rowboat. That's not a deadline. That's just one insignificant step in this genocidal plan. The bad kind of genocide.
You gonna wind up with ships loaded with crates? Well, then don't Bond. Well, then don't bomb the island that's protected by anti-missile shields. Bomb the loaded ships.
Now, would that destroy the viruses so thoroughly? There's no risk of the stuff getting out and killing all of humanity in real life? Probably. In the movie, definitely.
Because this isn't a normal virus at all. It's a special nanotech virus that can't transmit through the air or through water or through droplets, but only by direct human-human contact. The writers could have made it to be an unstoppable virus, but no, these are the rules they wrote in because themes.
What if more ships come? Well, you could bomb those too.
Pow! Just keep on bombing at leisure. Anything that enters or leaves. Pow! You've got the military. You can keep this up forever. Pow!
Mr. Bohemian Robot raps and he doesn't have any hostages you care about anymore and he doesn't even have enough food to survive more than a few days of siege.
You've got it. You've got this. But here's the thing.
My calls for the military are not actually me suggesting that it make a better movie. I actually have a lot of conflicted opinions about the American military's role in the modern world. I'm merely mocking the setup they wrote in some threat that's supposedly stronger than the whole world, but they're still not allowed to send in actual soldiers for some reason, forcing them to send in one horny aging alcoholic to destroy the evil lair by single-handedly slapping a convenient self-destruct button.
I think we just got buzzed. But no time to die has at least enough time to sort of explain why the military's stuck finger-blasting each other instead of virus boats and the answer is, well, other non-British countries are asking questions. Well, you have to wrap this up in the next few minutes then.
You can't possibly reveal to other countries what you're doing or how about you do reveal to other countries what you're doing? Maybe not the virus originally being created by MI6 part, but the we've got terrorist threats and we're addressing it part. Sure. No nation is backing up the villain here and no country owns this part of the ocean so you're not infringing on anyone's sovereignty. Are you afraid these countries are gonna wanna slip in and steal the super weapon for themselves? It's not even useful DNA targeted tech anymore. It's a virus that could kill billions. No country wants that.
And let's see which are these countries anyway that are asking the questions? If we launch the Russians, the Japanese and even the Americans will want to answer. The Americans?
You were collaborating with the CIA on this very mission earlier in the movie. Are you suggesting the CIA was working on something they kept secret from even the military?
Oh, actually that checks out. Nevermind. I'm going to tell you a story about a man. His name was- John C. Whatever, the video's over. Leave me to my land. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michael_longfellow_on_being_a_child_of_divorce_during_the_holidays_snl | Well, it's the holiday season. it's the. it's the. it's the holiday season, which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is: Child of Divorce, Michael Longfellow. Happy Holidays, Colin. Happy Holidays, Michael.
So your parents are divorced. was that hard for you? No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. to be honest, until I got older, I wasn't even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, you know your parents had sex to have you, and I was like, well, I don't think they've met, so that's stupid. Well, sure, you were aware that at some point they'd met, right? I wasn't, And don't call me Shirley. snakes on a plane? it's not snakes on a plane. Okay. obviously, the holidays, though, must have been more difficult with divorced parents. I disagree. there are perks to having parents that are always getting married and divorced and married again.
You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I didn't have to wait for him to grow up. he came off the shelf, ready to go. we were playing catch that day. Wow. well, that must have been nice. must have it. it was. I'm sorry.
And brothers aren't the only thing Divorce has given me. it's given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad. he's very strict and quiet and wears suits. And then you have my newest dad, Terry, who's a semi-neutest I've seen naked 43 times. wait, what? and I'll tell you this, Colin. when you see your mom's boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don't think it's going to happen 42 more times.
Well, I at least hope he has a nice body, you know? why? you know what? I don't know. never mind.
So are you saying you're then pro-divorce? Well, my dad is a divorce attorney, so put food on my table. Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney. who's also been divorced? multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. is he a bad husband or a workaholic? a man's an artist. he's out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. he told me everything a kid should know. you know, brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can't be proven, they're only entitled to 30%. And it's not easy to prove in a court of law. text messages are not enough. it's good to know. So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work. Oh, absolutely. in fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. some would say that's a conflict of interest, but I'd just say he's got that dog in him. like a long photo, everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | national_enquirer_editors_saturday_night_live | This edition looks pretty good to me, gentlemen. yeah, just a few things. I'd like to go over before we go to Press, but it looks pretty damn good.
Now on page three here the article about the monkey performing surgery on the blind woman. I think it needs a picture. Yeah, I went through the files chief and we have a picture of a chimpanzee wearing a stethoscope.
That's great. that'll help go with it. Good. You know, there's something else missing. Ted.
Didn't I tell you to put something with heart up front? I don't see enough ticker pieces. I don't agree. Ben, I just don't agree. we got the woman who who steers the car with her toes. that's fair, Ted, It's fair, but it's just not a grabber. we need something soft like with nuns or a disease. How about this one? keep from eight is enough praise for body hair. perfect. run with it. Don't you think we need something funny on page 10? Then like what? Well, how about the cartoon of the man? shoving his wife into the tree shredder. Listen, Ben, don't you think the breast out on 27 should be moved up? Yeah, and there are too many hair ads on page 28. I don't know what Reagan and Hair might sell better than breasts. no breasts are always better than hair. I agree. go with the breasts.
Does it bother you Ben that we don't have a cripple story before Page 9? Or I'll say I'm glad you spotted that. Cripples are big now. You got their own parking spaces? they've even got their own toilets. we need more cripple Stories Chief.
I've got one here. It's about a bird that has one wing. It flies in circles. Well, save it. The cat with the three tails is a better story.
Who put John Ritter in here? huh? I told you I am tired of seeing John Ritter. no one wants to see John Ritter.
Okay. okay. Replace it with that one-winged bird. Anyone got an angle on the hostages? I do Now. Well, I noticed that the hostages were all wearing beards. Well, I figure by the time they get back, they'll probably all shave them off. Maybe we could buy the beard hair, sort of, scrape it into a pile and photograph it. That's great. Get on it.
Are we still paying that White House photographer? Yes, he's still hiding in front of the White House.
Where is he? He's lying underneath a grating in the sidewalk.
Well, I think we should fire him. Nancy Reagan will never walk over that grating. Speaking of the First Lady, take a look at Page 45 Ben, That's terrible. This is awful. we can't do this.
Picture of the First Lady and right below it an ad for a leisure truss. I kind of liked it. Well, you can't put a leisure truss below the First Lady. Where we're gonna put it? Put it above her. The only thing we need now is a cover, huh?
Well, how about Mary Tyler Moore? It's been a long time since we've linked her romantically to someone new. but who? How about Desi Arnaz Senior. No, no, no, no. Desi Arnaz Jr. That I've got it. wait a minute will ink Desi Arnaz Senior and Desi Arnaz Jr. What? I like that. Terrific with Mary Tyler Moore. no, Do each other. |
cracked | 4_horrible_ways_we_re_bringing_sci_fi_technologies_to_life_does_not_compute | Huh. That's weird. Oh, shoot. But then I met, like, a time guy. Wizard, I guess. It doesn't matter.
Luckily, my warranty covered being stranded in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Draw me down a flight of stairs, though, and you're f***ed. Anyway, here's a countdown formatted list of YouTube videos, your highnesses! What is that, some kind of dig? I'll have you know the Time Wizard was very interested in reverse-engineering my reproductive apparatus. Oh, my God. I was molested by a Time Wizard.
Brrap, brrap! And I'm out of gun. Also, that second brrap was just for show. It only fires once. It only needs to be lethal once.
I mean, that's the idea, right? Right. Sure.
The idea of guns is to have them fire once and explode in your hand. That's the idea of guns.
3D printing is basically the holodeck, except that you have to cram it full of plastic cubes and in many other crucial regards. There has got to be something awesome we can do with this technology. Great. Plastic fuckables, self-controlling guns, and a skateboard you're not allowed to ride. Next!
Smartwatches! Because isn't it about time the thing on your wrist was smart enough to graph your masturbation patterns? This is Nokia's facet smartwatch, the prototype for which was presumably a bunch of Fig Newtons and rubber bands on the desk of an executive who had a pitch meeting in 10 minutes. It takes some portion of the convenience and functionality of your iPhone and separates each task onto a different tiny screen.
Keep in mind, this isn't from the past, okay? This is going to be coming out. By then, hopefully it doesn't boast an interface it looks like Sandra Bullock would use it to order a pizza. All presented over an IDVD menu soundtrack, so you know they blew most of the budget on developing the watch itself. But the obvious question remains, will it play HD DVDs on the 3D TV in my blimp? Man, what is it with all of the future tech presentations looking like they were made on smartwatches? Tell you what, government agency that chose to name itself after the two worst things in existence, show me the laser! Which is as timely a reference as you deserve.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Navy couldn't afford audio? Hold on, hook him up.
There! Let it never be said that I don't support the troops. Aww, it's invisible! Rip!
You know, that drone crashing and burning is the perfect metaphor for what just happened in the part of my brain that loved lasers. I mean, I get it, that it stops missiles and drones and is amazing and revolutionary, but it sure looks like you could accomplish the same thing with some mirrors and a big magnifying glass. As the world's most advanced infotainment machine, it's in my interest to have a working knowledge of my competition, like this little fella.
Okay, it's slowly manipulating wood. Not super funny, unless it's a geriatric handjob joke. Oh, it's a DARPA rescue robot. That explains it. It's not bad at hosting. It's great at rescuing you from a collapsed building, made solely of small pine planks at interminably slow speeds, aided by a team of human technicians.
Then there's the double by Double Robotics, because that's double the doubles. Please try and keep up. The double is a flawless virtual doppelganger, able to assume most, if not all, of your daily activities, freeing you up to achieve the dream of sitting motionless and alone while you are replaced by a rolling iPad on a stick, all for the low, low price of $2,500. Also, it only comes with the stick, which, if you ask me, is still a looks and personality upgrade for most humans. Oh, but you can go window shopping with one. Because, you know, it's not like there's some crazy magic mirror you can use to find out what stores are selling and then have them mail it to you. I mean, how would they? Some kind of package-delivering robot? Absurd. Plus, if it gets stolen, at least you can yell at the thief in real time as you watch them dismantle your robot and swipe your iPad.
Couldn't even tell, could you? Eerie! Okay, wait.
So, we've hit telecommunications and rescue. What's the third thing people always want robots for? Oh, soccer! Duh. Because of how much more exciting it is without human frailties holding anyone back. It's just a brutal, nonstop robot on robot.
Have they started yet? I mean, they're playing, right? This is them doing it. They're not just warming up, doing Tai Chi or something.
Okay, man. Really use an announcer to spice that up. Here we are, another thrilling day on this tiny green simulacrum of a real soccer field. And I'm just so excited to see these tiny things that are quite like people falling down. I think if David Beckham were here, he would be frankly terrified of these robots. You know, I think what we should really focus on is just the effort. And now, there, I quit. I'm sorry, I can't. I'm going to watch a real sport. Damn it. Makes you feel better about the odds of a robot uprising, don't it?
Well, that's all the time we have for this week. Any final thoughts, Clippy? Are we not doing Clippy? Cut. Okay, so it's yes on the anagrams and lists, no on Clippy. And the episode numbers bit, what's the background?
No. No, I hate that. Lose that. I got a P. Whatever. Fucking pornops. Never. Ow. Shh. Time, wizard. Shh. Action.
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now, and dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to call nuggles. Donnie, show the gold.
All day, all day. I'm not your savior. Ow, ow. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day, all day. If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what else you need. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of druid little maniac. All day, all day.
We are those... Legends.
Oh! Oh, come on, come on! They got it, they get it!
Jesus Christ. Wizard, I guess. It doesn't matter.
Luckily, my warranty covered being stranded in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Draw me down a flight of stairs, though, and you're f***ed.
Anyway, here's a countdown formatted list of YouTube videos.
Your highnesses! What is that? Some kind of dig? I'll have you know.
The Time Wizard was very interested in reverse-engineering my reproductive apparatus. Oh, my God. I was molested by a Time Wizard.
And I'm out of gun. Also, that second brat was just for show. It only fires once. It only needs to be lethal once.
I mean, that's the idea, right? Right. Sure.
The idea of guns is to have them fire once and explode in your hand. That's the idea of guns.
3D printing is basically the holodeck. Except that you have to cram it full of plastic cubes and in many other crucial regards. There has got to be something awesome we can do with this technology. Great. Plastic fuckables, self-controlling guns, and a skateboard you're not allowed to ride. Next.
Smartwatches. Because isn't it about time the thing on your wrist was smart enough to graph your masturbation patterns? This is Nokia's facet smartwatch, the prototype for which was presumably a bunch of Fig Newtons and rubber bands on the desk of an executive who had a pitch meeting in 10 minutes. It takes some portion of the convenience and functionality of your iPhone and separates each task onto a different tiny screen.
Keep in mind, this isn't from the past, okay? This is going to be coming out. By then, hopefully it doesn't boast an interface. It looks like Sandra Bullock would use it to order a pizza. All presented over an iDVD menu soundtrack, so you know they blew most of the budget on developing the watch itself. But the obvious question remains. Will it play HD DVDs on the 3D TV in my blimp? Man, what is it with all of the future tech presentations looking like they were made on smartwatches?
Tell you what, government agency that chose to name itself after the two worst things in existence? Show me the laser! Which is as timely a reference as you deserve.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Navy couldn't afford audio? Hold on, hook him up.
There! Let it never be said that I don't support the troops. Aw, it's invisible! Rip!
You know, that drone crashing and burning is the perfect metaphor for what just happened in the part of my brain that loved lasers. I mean, I get it, that it stops missiles and drones and is amazing and revolutionary, but it sure looks like you could accomplish the same thing with some mirrors and a big magnifying glass. As the world's most advanced infotainment machine, it's in my interest to have a working knowledge of my competition, like this little fella.
Okay, it's slowly manipulating wood. Not super funny, unless it's a geriatric handjob joke. Oh, it's a DARPA rescue robot. That explains it. It's not bad at hosting. It's great at rescuing you from a collapsed building made solely of small pine planks at interminably slow speeds aided by a team of human technicians.
Then there's The Double by Double Robotics, because that's double the doubles. Please try and keep up. The Double is a flawless virtual doppelganger able to assume most, if not all, of your daily activities, freeing you up to achieve the dream of sitting motionless and alone while you are replaced by a rolling iPad on a stick, all for the low, low price of $2,500. Also, it only comes with the stick. Which, if you ask me, is still a looks and personality upgrade for most humans? Oh, but you can go window shopping with one. Because, you know, it's not like there's some crazy magic mirror you can use to find out what stores are selling and then have them mail it to you. I mean, how would they? Some kind of package-delivering robot? Absurd. Plus, if it gets stolen, at least you can yell at the thief in real time as you watch them dismantle your robot and swipe your iPad.
Couldn't even tell, could you? Eerie. Okay, wait.
So, we've hit telecommunications and rescue. What's the third thing people always want robots for?
Oh, soccer. Duh. Because of how much more exciting it is without human frailties holding anyone back. It's just a brutal, nonstop robot on robot. Have they started yet? I mean, they're playing. Right? This is them doing it. They're just warming up, doing Tai Chi or something. Okay. Man. Really use an announcer to spice that up.
Here we are, another thrilling day on this tiny green simulacrum of a real soccer field. And I'm just, I'm so excited to see these tiny things which are quite like people falling down. I think if David Beckham were here, he would be frankly terrified of these robots.
You know, I think what we should really focus on is just the effort. And now, there, I quit. I'm sorry, I can't. I'm going to watch a real sport. Damn it. Makes you feel better about the odds of a robot uprising, don't it? Well, that's all the time we have for this week.
Any final thoughts, Clippy? Are we not doing Clippy? Cut. Okay, so it's yes on the anagrams and lists, no on Clippy. And episode numbers bit, what's the background?
No. No, I hate that. Lose that. I got a P. Whatever. F***ing pornops.
Time wizard! I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now or dead or something. I'm not your savior. He uses all the power in the world and he uses it to con muggles. Donnie, show the gold. All day, all day. I'm not your savior. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day, all day. If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what else. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of driver. All day, all day.
We killing it for show. We are those... Legends.
Oh, come on! They got it! Jesus Christ! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Thomas_Mayo_Indigenous_Voice_Part_2 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello, it's Clancy Overall here. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show and welcome back to part two of the Batooter Advocate's interview with the Darwin Wharfie and indigenous activist Thomas Meyer. This episode discusses his upbringing, his work in the Maritime Union, and of course the disinformation, the misinformation campaign currently being peddled around about this upcoming referendum for an indigenous voice. Thomas Meyer, a proud Torres Strait Islander man, and his family are at the centre of these conspiracies and it doesn't sound like a very good time. He's going to tell us more about that and he's also going to give us a bit more information about the model and the Uluru Statement at large. Thanks for tuning in.
With the no, you know, the people that have put their hands up with the no campaign, it could have gone either way. Little Proud obviously, and I know that he's going to have to deal with this guilt for the rest of his career. David Little Proud is the leader of the National Party. They needed to stand for something at a certain point in time. Everyone was damaged post-election. You know, the coalition had lost 20 seats federally and then that said, Dutton still hadn't made his call at this point. Dutton was umming and ahhing and treading water and said he needed more information and actually, you know, his party had actually previously said to him that we support this and a lot of people did. And then the Nationals were the first to kind of start the what we now have seen as a house of cards of all these different people who have now aligned themselves with the no campaign. Most recently, the Victorian Liberal government, just like they needed another headline this week.
But there's a dark side to it. I can understand as much as you know, as we said, it's disgraceful. It's bad faith.
But if you stand for nothing, you've got nothing going on. You can't win an election.
I can see why the Liberal Party want to win a referendum. Referendum is that it's easy for a referendum to fail and they get to wear that like an election win and perhaps boost their donations and perhaps boost their membership or at least boost their relevance because they are facing an existential crisis at the moment. But is there also this scary element where there are people and there are legislators and there are politicians who are excited for this referendum to be unsuccessful because then they get to actually wash their hands of any responsibility that they might have to Aboriginal people and the traumatic remnants of the policies that have previously disrupted and traumatized and killed and kidnapped people?
No, because the voice itself will make sure that we're here. Yeah, well, and it's successful. But that's going to be the beauty of the voice. But do you think they're pushing for it to be unsuccessful so that they don't have to think about you? I don't know. I think it's actually a lot more base than that. It's just a cheap win. Yeah. And what a hill to die on. Yeah. And they're going to be on the wrong side of history, you know, like one thing that I know for sure, whether we succeed at this or not, is that we're on the right side of history here. I mean, you only need to listen to the children, right? Yeah.
The younger generations that are so proud of Indigenous culture. They love learning a bit of language, you know, doing a bit of artwork with the elders that come into the schools and they get it. There's no way that we are not going to one day recognize Indigenous people and actually want to listen, not just for the purpose of closing the gap, you know, and improving life expectancies and health and education outcomes, but also because of the wisdom that we carry from being on this country, living in harmony with it for over 60,000 years.
You know, we've got this climate crisis right now. Things are going south and, you know, we're going into a dry spell, everyone says, and especially when the bushfires are here, they say, well, we need to learn how to manage this country in a better way.
So not only that, but, you know, despite opposite to what people have always said about us in this country, you know, to justify what was done to us in the first place, but certainly from some extreme elements in the No campaign, that we are savages and unintelligent, that, you know, our culture is somehow inferior. It's actually a beautiful culture and a sharing culture and a generous one. I think that's something that we will embrace when we vote yes and will be something that will make us stronger. Well, Thomas Mayo is not saying this, but, you know, some people are that, you know, Australia should be happy that all Aboriginal people want is equality rather than revenge. Afore mentioned, you know, history of unhelpful government policies that were obviously drafted up without any form of Indigenous consultation.
I want to now talk about the target that's been on your back. I mean, I'm sure you're used to it as someone who's involved in the union movement. I'm sure you've had plenty of people from the top end of town who would like to smear your name, but this seems to be something different. You're at the centre of multiple conspiracies. Some people would actually, you know, you're sitting at home with a tinfoil hat on your head. You could believe that Tom Mayo is the puppeteer behind the entire voice as a billionaire left-wing communist elite is what they'd be, you know, willing to believe right now. Yeah, really, really crazy stuff that's being spread around there.
Geez, I don't know. I guess I must be pretty effective or something. I think they've given me far more credit than I deserve. You know, I mean, all I've been doing here is just trying to achieve what I think is best for this country and best for my people, you know, and suddenly I'm this anyway. What's the most extreme thing that you've read about yourself? Oh, geez, where do I start?
Yeah, there's just so much. There's such a wide range. I mean, there's gold for Batutah in all of this stuff.
I want to talk about you and your family and your history, because that's obviously that's not out of bounds for these people, whether they're racist trolls or they're just, you know, Sky News, lunatics. What's your story and who's your mob? Who's your family? Oh, you know what?
It's been quite shocking actually to see photos of your parents, you know, being shared around as, you know, saying that we're not genuinely indigenous and all this sort of stuff, you know. But, yeah, look, my father is a Torres Strait Islander. My mum's mother was English Irish descent. Her father was a Polish Jewish refugee, came and worked on the Snowy River Project as an engineer and eventually went up to the territory, worked at the Francis Creek Mine, and that's where my father went and worked and met my mum. He was of that generation of Torres Strait Islanders that left the Torres Strait to, you know, get work when they were finally not under the Protector, you know, that controlled, you know, you had to get permission to leave the islands and things like that around 67. So in 1969, he went to the Northern Territory to work and met my mum and fell in love and stayed. But, yeah, my mob, my great great grandfather was Filipino, went to the Torres Strait, married a Torres Strait Island woman, and the other great great grandfather on that side was Malay from Dayak, you know, tribe in Borneo and also went to the Torres Strait to work, indentured workers and married an island woman. And so my mob, Kurra Reg, which is the island's closest to the mainland that identify as Aboriginal and can trace the ancestry there by name well before Cook arrived. And my more recent migrant forebears, Kookagal, which is the Central Island group in the Torres Strait and Erebumle and Ereb or Darnley Island is an island in the northeast of the Torres Strait.
So obviously very well documented history. And also it sounds like the forebears, particularly father's side, you know, when you took Malay, there's been, you know, a relationship in the North of Australia between Borneo and what we now know, I guess, is Indochina and top of Australian Aboriginal communities since well before wooden boats, you know, wooden ships anyway. Yeah. And we've got the best cooking too, you know, ginger and garlic and everything, lemongrass. We'll be up there for the Luxor Festival in Darwin, actually.
I haven't cooked yet this year because I've been so busy. There's going to be a cookbook after this. So I'll write that in my break after the referendum.
So yeah, of course. Yeah. So they try and accuse you of the Johnny come lately. That's how they're trying to discredit you. Yeah. The right wing. That's what a lot of the social media, I mean, you know, Thomas is a Filipino. Yeah. You know, he's not.
I saw the Zionist conspiracies too. I saw the Jewish stuff.
Yeah, of course. Of course we've descended to the point of Zionism. Somehow anti-Semitic rhetoric has been inserted into the Indigenous voice referendum, but that's where we're at. What kind of support systems do you have around you of the union movement or are you out here? Because I feel like the reason you've taken a baseball bat to you is because they haven't actually seen much of you before because you've come out of the union movement. You're not necessarily an Indigenous activist household name like Marsha Langton or Noel Pearson. Yeah. And I wasn't, you know, from a family of activists or anything.
I just, I was on the wharf in 1998 when the Patrick's dispute happened. And you know, it really shaped me. I saw that as a real injustice and so did a lot of Australians. That's why they joined us.
What was the Patrick's dispute? The Patrick's dispute was when it was John Howard was the Prime Minister and he colluded with one of the two major stevedores.
And basically in the middle of the night, back in April 1998, wharfies around the country were dragged out of the forklifts and cranes and locked out of our livelihoods. A four-month battle ensued and we won in the High Court and eventually a deal was done. So it was really about silencing the voice of maritime workers.
So that really shaped me to understand, you know, the importance of unity and sticking together and helping each other. But you know, for all of the, for the hate that I get, there's a lot more love and that's what keeps me going.
And I do believe that Australians are fair-minded people. You know, they saw it as, you know, unfair when that happened back in 98. They saw it as unfair, you know, when Indigenous people were calling for equal wages back in the 60s and 70s. And we've achieved land rights in this country and native title. You know, we do make improvements. We are a fair society, I believe.
But interestingly, for each of those moments throughout history, we've seen the same fear-mongering that we're seeing today. And if there was social media back then, you would have seen that vitriol, you know, that sort of fear-mongering. But Australians overcome that, you know, and every time, like the marriage equality campaign, you know, and the plebiscite.
I remember seeing ads on TV and I was like, how are these allowed to be on television? This is terrible.
Like, yeah, we saw it then. And you know what? The day after the plebiscite, when it got up by just over 60%, Australia was better and stronger for it. Yeah.
You know, the bestiality didn't become the norm, as they were saying. People started rooting road trains and stuff like that. It's a slippery slope going out of animals.
You know, so, you know, I mean, I think Australians are smart and you know, the polls might be indicating that we're behind in this campaign for a voice, the fairness of a voice, but I think Australians can see through that and they won't be taken for mugs. But we've got to do the work. Yeah. And so I hope the listeners help us to say to people, you know, come on. How do you... An advisory committee is going to take something from you? Come on. How does a yes vote win at this point? We've got to do the work.
You know, we have over 30,000 volunteers across the country and we could use many more. We have just this week over 700 campaign activities that are happening. We're leafleting. I've been door knocking around the country, in Granville the other day, in the Hunter.
We've got to have those conversations like you did, you know, with your mum and dad. Just have a respectful conversation with them. Be patient, listen, and then just to help them see what the truth of this is. Because the truth really is what matters here. It's just recognition and listening.
You've been in lots of different disputes and battles. In some, you can really take a blowtorch out, you know. We're talking down on the wharf's picket lines and all that kind of stuff. You know, you can insert a bit more aggression. But with the yes campaign, it feels like everyone's trying to take the high road. And you're talking about conversations here. But you know, we've been trying on the Batutah Advocate podcast, you know. It wasn't too hard to get you on. Thomas, thank you for joining us.
But we will not get anyone from that camp. They're not even having the conversation. If they're not in their cheer squad kind of mediums, which would be certain newspapers and certain TV channels, they're not even going to engage. They don't really want to dissect where they're coming from.
How does that feel? Do you feel like you kind of want to bring out the old union tactics on these guys?
And then just, you know, let's just shut down the waterfront. Well, it's easy.
Because we've always taken the high road. You know, like even in union campaigns, sure, you communicate in a different way. You rah rah to a bunch of blue collar workers, right? You know, because you've got to get their attention. And we've got to, you know, it's about motivation. And inspiration in any movement. That's not just unions. That's, you know, a movement about justice for anything. You've got to help people feel and see why there needs to be change. You know, that always comes from a position of love, you know, because we do it because we want fair wages or we want safety. We want to go home and not die on the job. We want indigenous people to have the ability to have a say in a transparent and accountable way through representatives that we choose. And that's what this is about, you know. So it's not hard because that's the way that I've always done things. And I know that all of the Yes campaign spokespeople, you know, that is our motivation is love, not just for our own families in our communities, but for our country as well.
Noel hasn't even lost that famous temper yet. Yeah, well, it's not to say that people don't lose their temper from time to time.
It takes a lot for me to lose my temper, you know, but I guess it must be frustrating for these people trying to dig up dirt falls on you, because obviously that's been done that many times over as someone who's, you know, involved in the maritime union. But it must be frustrating because they dig into Thomas Meyer. They keep digging.
They find wholesome books about fatherhood. And, you know, you're an author and you've got all like, you've got you've got such a diverse background before this referendum. And it's hard for them to construct a narrative about you.
I mean, they've obviously set up for Tommy the Commie, which is Yeah, I've never been a member of the Communist Party.
Just put that out there, geez. But, you know, you can mash up all these videos and make, you know, try and make someone look scary. But, you know, I mean, you know that sure, I can, you know, raise my voice at a rally and those types of things.
But as you mentioned, you know, I've written a book about fatherhood. It's called Dear Son, Letters and Perspectives from First Nations Fathers and Sons. It's a bunch of letters. You know, myself, Stan Grant, Troy Casser-Daley, and men that have never written a letter before. Twelve of us put together this book.
And, you know, it's not what we're about. It's always from a place of wanting to build a better society for everyone. What are you saying to everyone for after this? What do you want for after this, regardless of the result? Are you hoping that everyone isn't fucked up from all this?
It's getting to the point now, much like it did with the marriage equality plebiscite, where people were made to question their own existence or made to, you know, feel like they don't exist. It's been hugely difficult, not just for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, but especially for us. But for anybody that is, you know, really hurt by some of the things that are being said and knowing that they're lies, whether in the media or on social media, on Facebook and all the rest. But you see, when we did put our minds together back in these dialogues that happened in 2017 and then the convention at Uluru in the heart of the nation, we decided that we had to have the courage to try and do this.
That is because nothing else has worked, right?
The gap is widening today. 2023, the Closing the Gap report reported that four of the measures are getting worse.
Do you think there's an element with a voice in Parliament? Do you think there's an element where there's also certain things you can't ignore? Like, you know, have you seen this happen before where maybe an elder or a community leader or some sort of expert with lived experience gets that opportunity to speak to Barnaby Joyce about a certain issue? And would someone like Barnaby Joyce listen and do they subconsciously listen? Is that where we're getting at with the advisory element? Let's use a more immediate example, I suppose. We met with Peter Dutton a number of times to explain what this was all about, you know, that it's just an advisory committee, that this is something that came through a process of a unique opportunity for Indigenous people to reach a consensus, which was difficult to reach a consensus, you know, 270 people. It's a customized dialogue, right? You've had to take into account a whole lot of things.
I mean, just your family alone, just the Torres Strait Islands is vastly different to the mainland.
That's right, yeah. But, you know, like having that conversation and seeing, you know, like the feigned interest and then, you know, him going out there and to a press conference and saying, oh, well, all these questions haven't been answered when all the questions had been answered, saying there's not enough detail, when the detail is as simple as a principle that we're voting on here, recognition and an advisory committee. So, you know, that's why politicians are unreliable.
We need to have our own voice. And we need a voice that can see better accountability and transparency to the decisions that they make about us.
Well, it's nearly over, mate. Geez, I'm ready for a rest. I've been working hard on this for six years. Oh, it'll be well earned when it's done.
Just quickly, you've been doing this tour around the country. Saw you up in the Amber the other night. What kind of receptions you're being met with in these kind of communities in the Amber is an interesting one in itself because I've just got a sizeable Aboriginal population, but I saw a lot of old codgers, leathery old white surfies in that crowd. So what's the reception you've been kind of met with? It was great in Yamba. It was interesting. Yamba and Grafton were a bit different to other places in that there were 40 registrations for the town halls, but 200 people turned up. Usually you get the registrations and then you get about 30% drop off. But yeah, it was a really great reception.
What we try and do is always try and meet with the Indigenous community first because we've only had the resources really to really extensively sort of get out there. And we've only had the words for the change since March. So we've been working really hard. And so the first thing we do is meet Indigenous Elders in the community and there's skepticism because it's low trust in government and processes, but always I find they're passionate then for the yes vote when they have it explained. And I just want to make this point, there's some Indigenous people that don't support it, over 80% do. And if you really listen to anybody, any Indigenous person, they just want to be listened to.
But Yamba was great, Grafton was great. I did a tour of the Central Coast in Queensland from the Sunny Coast all the way up to Mackay. I did the Clarence, so the Clarence Valley, that was the Clarence Valley.
The Hunter region and places where people said, oh, you don't want to go into that community and have a town hall. They'll be there with pitchforks and that type of thing. Just wonderful people. And in Yamba, among other places, really heartfelt at the end of the session when we'd explain the history behind this and why it's called for and what the change of the constitution will be. People in those small towns said, this is the best thing that has ever happened here. The best thing we've seen for a long time in that this community coming together, 200 people in little Yamba or Raymond Terrace or Armidale or Grafton or Bundaberg and saying, this is great.
This is a unifying thing. And it's just sad that one side is playing politics with it and trying to divide us, but the result will be unifying.
Well, as we said before, you deserve a big break, mate. You'll be ready to clock off by the time the Darwin Luxor Festival's on. Yeah. I'm looking forward to that. I haven't had a Luxor for a while. That's October 30. They've got the grand finale. We just heard about it.
Fishing this year. I love my fishing. I can't wait.
Where do you like to go? Off the Gulf? No, up to Vernon Islands.
Pretty little known, but that's my favorite fishing spot in Darwin. I love catching the trevallies and the queenies, the skinnies.
The barra, I think, are overrated. I think reef fish are better eating.
Yeah. Well, all the best. Thomas, thank you for joining us.
And hopefully we've debunked a lot of myths and misinformation and flat out lies, obviously, that surround you and your involvement in the Uluru Statement and both the Indigenous Voice Referendum. But also, we've learned a lot too. I've found quite an in-depth, and you've got a way of explaining.
The Uluru Statement is obviously something that hasn't been politicized. The Indigenous Voice has been. The Uluru Statement hasn't been. People can't argue with that. The Liberals, they accept what happened there. And the No Campaign does accept what happened there and what came to be there.
But we still don't know much about that. And I appreciate you being able to explain what we did. Yeah. And we're not voting on the Uluru Statement. It's an important consensus that was reached that led us to this moment. We're voting on recognition and listening.
That's it. Well, all the best. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Love your work. |
dropout | if_leaving_miitomo_was_like_leaving_facebook | What rhymes with orange? Orange. Orange, yeah.
Yeah, no, that totally works. Now we're cooking. Guys, I hate to be dramatic, but I think I'm going to delete my Mi Tomo. No. What's mine? What's meat butter? When I first heard of Mi Tomo yesterday, I was super excited to make a Mii with two eyes that look like a Mii with one E. Yeah. We know. It's great. But it's changed. It's so much more than I signed up for yesterday. Yeah, but Zach, how are you going to know about upcoming events? Yeah. Like the event of a new cat or food-based costume or a Mii drop level? I know, but like at a certain point you have to ask yourself, is this giving me more stress than enjoyment?
I think it's time for Mi Tomo to go, at least for like a little while. Who's Mi Tomo?
Well, what about the news? Like, how are you going to keep up with what's going on in the world? I don't think you get that from Mi Tomo. Yeah, how are you going to stay uninformed?
Okay, what about your friends, huh? Won't they miss you? That's the hard part. My 10 Mi Tomo friends that are also friends in real life are going to be crushed. Yeah, I've got friends that I only stay in touch with on Mi Tomo. I only have Mi Tomo friends.
Yeah. Delete it. Whoa! Wow, I can't believe you just pulled that trigger. I couldn't do it.
How are you going to answer just general questions about what you like? I don't know. I guess just like in a conversation like this maybe? It's not the same. I don't know.
I mean, it's going to be hard, but I've got to go at least a day without Mi Tomo, you know? Good luck. Zach! I tried to go and visit your house in Mi Tomo and you weren't there. WTF, man. Yeah, I tried to Facebook message you and Snapchat you and Instagram you and find you and email and text you about this, but yeah, I deleted it. Oh my God. Mi Tomo has kind of become like a part of my entire life now. I couldn't ever imagine deleting it.
Check out what I'm working with here, dude. Oh. Yeah. Head to toe bread suit. Yeah, full French boy. That's perfect. Mm-hmm. This is driving me insane.
I mean, like, what else is going on in the Mi Tomo world? I think the world is called Mi Tomo and the people are Mi's. Yeah, that's it. Well, like, is anything happening? Are there any new, like, cool, like, costumes or any new, like, cool Mi photos you can get or anything like that? Look, Zach, there's always going to be new candy and new clothes, and that's pretty much it, but that's your responsibility to let it go, okay? It's indecipherable. Your Mi Tomo FOMO is not our problem. Guys, Mi Tomo.
No, no, Graham. No.
I can't believe they moved us to the thousandth floor. This is bullshit. I think I have motion sickness.
Should there be this many birds, you guys? Yeah, there's going to be this many birds. I just, it seems like a lot.
The first thing I noticed about Generganon was his mini nipples. They were large, and like constellations, they darted around his body as he moved. I found this strange, but not off-putting. Sweat dappled his manly brow and his manlier second brow, which is what I call a human pelvis.
He pulled out his wand and said, let's get magical. And I said, yes, let's do that, let's do that, please.
But come on, put the dragon outside. Generganon said no. The dragon stays. He is my familiar. How dare you insult him?
I said, I'm sorry, Generganon. I didn't mean to. I didn't realize that that was how you felt. Let's not get into this now, so early in our relationship, and the night is so young. Generganon agreed and exploded my butt with magic. |
dropout | sharing_samantha_a_steamy_thanksgiving_party | Good morning, Vietnam! Really?
And we are neither Jess nor Rekha. No.
But Janie and I are going to be taking you through this episode of the Erotic Book Club, where we will be talking about sharing Samantha, a sexy little thing that we picked up on the internet that we are going to dive into right now with all you horny fuckers listening to this live to tape. That's specifically the people on Discord. That's a little nickname for them. Yeah, all you horny fuckers who use our Discord. There should be a chat box. All you horny fuckers who use our Discord. There should be a chat on the Discord just called... Just horny fuckers?
Should there? No. Never mind. I don't see what could possibly go wrong.
We have two guest experts joining us today. I don't know what they're experts in, and I don't know why I introduced them as such.
But to my left is Vic Michaelis. How do I say your last name? Michaelis. It's a weird one. I've seen it written in my head. It's Michaelis, and I want you to know that. Yeah, well, that's wrong, but I appreciate the effort. You know, that's all you're going to be able to get. And you, the audience, that's the most you could expect from me is an A for effort. And to the right is Zachoyama. It's Zach Michaelis. I would have thought so. See, when I see that written, I say Michaelis in my head. You're wrong.
Well, I'm Mr. Ed. And I also have my co-host, Janie Stoller. Hello, Janie. Hello. Wow. Hi, everyone.
We read some erotica. We really did.
I'm very glad to be hosting this with you, because I feel like both of us are way down for erotica. And if it wasn't going to be Jess and Rekha, it probably would be the two of us, so this is going to be a lot of fun. 100%. Yes, I'm excited.
This book really, wow. Oh, my gosh.
We get into it? We start? Yeah.
So this book, basically, like the high-level plot is that this gal, Samantha, is at her stepmom's Thanksgiving gathering and ends up just having a lot of sex with two best friends, right? They have sex like 40 times in like a day. Yeah, they come a ton in the space of, I think, an hour and a half. Her vagina must have not been feeling good by the end. Well, that's just my question, is they, at no point in like the what, like 80, 90 pages of this book, talk about anybody being sore.
And I feel like that's unrealistic. That's the only unrealistic thing about this book.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my big beef. Neither of those two best friends are like, hey, I just, I don't think I'm going to be able to go again. Give me a minute. It's been like four times in rapid succession, and I'd love to. Well, to be fair, we were told that they have heavy balls. A couple of times. Yeah. Yes, and so they are at Stepmother's Thanksgiving. Yes.
Where none of them want to be. No, and Samantha's super down on her luck. She's just like had a series of bad events happen to her. She's super down on her luck. I mean, love. Like she lost her job. She's, you know, her house was condemned. There's a lot going on, you know? She's struggling. She caught her boyfriend cheating on her, and then he is two months later now engaged to that person.
Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? But I'm happy for them. Like I'm happy they found each other, you know? Yeah, that's sort of like the best sort of way to deal with someone wronging you is like be happy for them, and I think that's important what you just said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I also just think too, I mean, like they spend so much time setting up everything that's wrong with Samantha's life, and then she's like, but at least it's snowing outside, and then she continues after that to list a bunch more things that are going wrong in her life. But at least, you know, we've still got snow. A little bit of snow outside.
I just didn't understand, so all of this takes place at her stepmother's Thanksgiving, pre-Thanksgiving party? Yeah, I think it's the night before Thanksgiving. Classic Thanksgiving Eve scenario.
Yeah, and she seemingly invites anyone to this. Right. Yeah, so the characters that we have at this party, and presumably there are more than this, but here's who we know is there. The hostess of the party, Lynn, the stepmother, the matriarch.
We have Lynn's stepdaughter, Samantha, our heroine. We have Matthew? Martin, who's our son? Martin, yeah. Who's Lynn's son and Samantha's stepbrother.
Then we have two guys that Martin is trying to buy an app from. Well, they're trying to sell an algorithm to a hedge fund. This is such a wild idea of why they're there. So I guess this Martin fellow runs a hedge fund. He's a real douche, and these two guys are there. They really want to sell this algorithm to him.
So why would Lynn have them over? I mean, that was, ooh, that bumped me. It bumped you that they had a pitch with him weeks later, so they went to a Thanksgiving party with his stepmother that was also dry. Yeah, Lynn was like, boo. Yeah, that was at this party. It repeated a lot that there's no alcohol at the party. And not just go to the party, but spend the night at the night. And Lynn's out.
Do you think that that's because then in the moments where it's like when they're going at it, they're like, they're going at this. Like, they know what they're doing. They're not doing this because they're drunk and messy. They know what they're getting into.
But there's multiple moments in the book where people are drunk. There's multiple drunk driving incidents.
Yeah, that's true. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
I hope that's why. I have a feeling it's just shitty writing. I think it was just like, how could this party suck? And there's no booze. Yeah, you're right. Just adding the Samantha's misery in that way. Also at the party is Samantha's ex, Ken, and Ken's new fiance, some lady whose name I don't remember.
Shelly.
Again, invited for some reason. For some reason. Yeah, they never established how Ken came to be at this particular party.
And then after we kind of established the characters and where we are, we get like a Faulkner style narrator shift, which I found really lovely. I actually thought that was cool. That was the cool literary device of this book, is every chapter you're hearing from a different narrator. Yes.
But sometimes not. Sometimes not.
Sometimes you're on the same narrator. You're like, why? Which I also say about Faulkner. As they lay dying is chaos. We need to hear from the baby. Like, why are we doing this?
I would like to call one of the characters Rose of Shard. And I think I'm going to start doing that. And you want to know who I mean?
So when she's having this interaction, she's talking to her ex, Ken. And this guy comes up and tries to sweep her off her feet to be like, she's with me.
You don't have to be intimidated. Or you don't have to feel freaked out and alone.
I'm with you. And so they immediately have this romantic connection. This is Rhys. And so the two of them are like. More than that, though. Rhys comes over to save her from an awkward conversation by kissing her right on the mouth. This woman he's never met. Yeah. And the description of her turning around and seeing him, she turns around and sees his chest and then looks up and sees his chin or something. It's like the longest scan up him, where she's just ready to kiss him immediately. Yeah. And then she scans up and is like, oh, there's a man attached to this chest. OK, I'll have sex with him.
I think there's just seven minutes of silence in that part that we don't read about. You know what I mean? Where she's scanning him. It's just a really long time. So should I say something? There are several moments in the book where it was clearly like, you get two pages of someone's mental monologue while they're in the middle of a conversation or something. Are these people just total idiots, just staring?
But I love that the monologue in the head of the guys is always like, man, I really love Samantha. Not just in a sexual way. Yeah, she's hot. But I really like her brain, her personality.
And it's like, you've not talked at all. Everybody falls in love in the course of truly 45 minutes.
Right? Yeah.
He finds out, Reese finds out that Ken was somewhat abusive. And he's like, I'm going to kill him. He immediately gets this. It's just a very toxic masculinity situation all around. I will say that what we're digging in at, yeah, that just dropped into this book is that Ken, her boyfriend, used to beat her up.
I hate that writing so much. That's the worst writing.
Well, also, in the middle, like skipping ahead when they're all having a three-way her and these two guys, they drop that these two guys were in the foster care system together. Like, there's so many horror details that are just like thrown into the middle. That's why they're so close. Well, they do. They talk about that.
We're basically brothers. But more than that, best friends. And then they're like. And more than that, brothers. Brothers.
So after this first meeting, there's a whole thing where she's like glad that this guy saved her. And then they go. And they're going to hook up. And then she falls asleep. But then she goes in the hot tub.
She falls asleep for five hours. Five hours. They go to the garage, Reese and Samantha, the first man that she meets with the chest, and make out hardcore on the hood, I think, of Shelly's Mercedes. Yeah. And afterwards, they get interrupted. And Samantha does go upstairs to her bedroom and falls asleep for five hours. Five hours.
So in the timeline, what are we thinking? Maybe this all happened from like 11 to 4 AM. I don't know. Because Reese and Gavin are still up. I think it's like four in the afternoon.
It happened. It was like four. Someone just looks outside and is like, oh my god. I've done that.
Once in a while, if it's Saturday, it's like, ooh, I could use a nap. I'm just going to go to sleep for 30 minutes. And then I wake up, and it's 9.30.
No one? No one. No, right?
I am not great at taking naps. So it feels like maybe there's something wrong with her to wake up five hours later.
What an awful guest at this party she's being. She's an awful guest, maybe.
And then also, like, no one looked for her. She was gone for five hours. I don't think anyone cares she's there. I mean, it's really dark.
It does sound like a huge party. Also, if these two guys got an invitation, there'd be too much. There are 200 people at this night before Thanksgiving party. To see her mom's, her stepmom's slideshow about Greece.
Yeah. I guess my question, too, is why are they staying over? Yeah. You know what I mean? I guess this is what, where are we thinking? Upstate New York?
So they're not probably like two bedrooms tops. Unless there's a huge mansion. She's given the only available real estate at a family gathering to these two guys.
To two guys who are trying to sell her son an app. Yeah. And have no other really real relationship with him. They do over and over say that Martin is a douchebag. And he wants to have sex with his stepsister. That is, like, the guys have met him, and they're like, yeah, in the five minutes we talk with him, he's made it clear he wants to have sex with Samantha. That's all he's gotten out while they're trying to have an app transaction.
Oh. I know.
So then the sex really kicks in. I mean, this is when the book really takes off. Yes. She goes to the hot tub because she says, what is the quote? It's like, she wakes up from her nap and it's like, fuck yeah. Hot tub. Or something like that. You've been asleep at a party for five hours, and you're just going to go to the hot tub. So then when she goes in, she's like, I'm going to have sex with this man I find in the hot tub, and assumes it's the guy who kissed her. But then she realizes, like, midway through a deep make out.
A little too late.
I'm confused as to what that interrupt, like, was he in the hot tub, faced away from her, and he just sort of looks like, I'm assuming these dudes are twins, but one has a beard and different color eyes. That's pretty much how it's explained. They have the same shoulders and chest. But yeah, one has a beard. But Gavin has a beard.
And then it's this classic scenario where you're kind of having sex with someone and you realize halfway through that's not who you thought they were, so you don't get off. Classic scenario. Everyone here is just going for it, really not having any discretion.
I was a little creeped out by, she surprises this guy with the kiss, right? And then he won't let go of her when she realizes it's... Yeah, she sits down in his lap and is kissing him. And she keeps trying to get up and he's like, where are you going?
Fucking creep. It was weird.
Oh, and we also just glossed over the fact that as in the garage, as Reese is making out with Samantha, his first thought is like, oh man, Gavin would love her. Yes, yes. That's the first thing that he says. He's making out with this woman he just met and keeps thinking about how much his best friend, but more than that, brother, would love this redhead that he met five minutes ago at a party. That's right.
And they make it clear, he's like, we've never shared a woman before. Sure, we've dated the same woman at the same time, but we've never had a three way. That's already established.
This is not normal and this woman is so hot that all the rules are thrown out the window.
Yeah, they keep talking about how they've never been happy. They've never really been happy.
And now, tonight, they're happy for the first time in their lives. First time ever.
So then, in this hot tub, so she's actually with Gavin and then there's this whole gray area situation, I would say maybe not so gray, and then Reese comes in and the three of them, this is our first three way of many in the book, and so they have a three way in the hot tub right off the bat. And they get into it with no awkwardness. No. With no, Gavin is making out with this girl who has mistaken him for someone else and he won't let her go away. Then Reese, his best friend, comes out to the hot tub and says, oh, I see you like my friend. And then right away, everyone's down. And they all know where to put their bodies and all have fun and there's no question of how we're here. There's not even a conversation of it. Reese and Gavin, who are basically brothers, nod at each other, like make eye contact and nod at each other and then was like, oh, in that nod we've communicated, our relationship will now include having sex with people at the same time. Oh, sorry. Oh, no, no, no. I was just saying, they also very clearly stay like several times throughout the book that they're like, Samantha's like, I've never done this before. They're both like, we've gotten close once but we've never done this before. And they just jump. They just brighten. Right into it.
And does he, okay, I'm confused about the mechanics of where he is in the hot tub. Is he underwater? I was wondering about that too. They don't specify but then later on they're like, oh, it's getting cold and we pop back in the hot tub. So my thought is, do they like get onto the lip of the hot tub right there and she's like sitting here. But if it's like an above ground pool situation that's like a very narrow rim. Like where are we here? I needed like the visuals. And I hope it's an above ground pool situation. Because if it's a raised hot tub, then yeah, then you're sitting on this like rounded, wet, molded plastic. But maybe that makes it easier because there's like the little steps to get up to the hot tub so somebody can be like kneeling on the steps.
That actually I like. That does make it easier.
Now I may have to tell you from personal experience or not, you can get a UTI from having sex in a hot tub. It's a very dangerous scenario. I also got cellulitis, a bacterial infection a few weeks ago from a spa potentially, the massage or the hot tub. I just want to put it out there to the viewers. Don't have sex in a hot tub. I think especially if you have a, you know, stuff that goes in in your anatomy, you're gonna get a lot of bacteria in there.
So I just, that's a PSA. Are we sharing personal stories now? Please. It was so vulnerable. Sure, sure.
Yeah, there's the first time. No, not the first time. The first time I jacked off with this one particular guy in freshman year of high school. It was at a hot tub and so if you're a teen looking to have a first gay experience, I actually recommend hot tubs very, very highly.
Because you're wearing basically nothing. You're so close together. It's usually dark outside. It's usually late at night. You're both 14.
I realize I was setting up a scenario when I have to remind myself of children. Yeah, and so I remember I was at a person's house. Won't say their name, Marie. It sounds like you're saying Marie's house. No, no. Well, you're at Marie's house? No, Marie and I only met each other a couple years ago and Marie reminds us before we get started not to say first and last names. So I won't say this person's first and last name, although I literally almost did to be funny. I almost said it just now to be funny and I realize that would just make everyone's life hard. But I was at this person's house and their parents went up to bed and we were out in the hot tub and it was very much a situation of me sort of manipulating kids.
They're like, I don't have a bathing suit. Should we just get in naked?
What a little fucking creep I was. God damn it. Anyway. God, you were such a Reese. I was a real Reese in this situation.
Was it at Gavin's house? Yeah, was it Lynn's Thanksgiving?
No.
But I'm going to tell you off air why that's funny. Okay. Oh, I think I can imagine. Sure. Anyone else have really personal... I mean... You don't have to. I think I'm okay. Okay, just checking. Any time you want to, you know. I'll marinate on it. Yeah, whenever you want to regret saying something.
Marinate, like the bacteria in your flesh after you've been in a hot tub, which is really like a below boiling bacteria pool. Yeah, it's a perfect temperature for bacteria to grow. Oh, 100%. And that thing is never clean and then people are having sex in it, so there you go, as we've seen here. So then there's like this whole...
Did you guys find this scene steamy and exciting? There was one part that I liked that I thought was hot. When she talks about when she's naked in front of them for the first time, there is something very hot about being seen naked by a group of people for the first time. And they're like, they can't deal with how hot you are. They're like exploding at her sight. Yes, that is hot.
But you don't need it.
More... Oh God, boy, I really am just getting into the personal stuff. No, more what's hot to me is having everyone looking at me. Oh, interesting. I'm less concerned about what they're feeling and more about getting their attention. Everybody look at me. In sexual functionality, there's people that are more responsive. So that is an actual biological wiring some people have where it's like being looked at or being acted upon is more sexually arousing than looking. I'm one of them, and I think I've based my whole career on that fact. That's not only just in terms of sex, just in life. Everything. Really ought to be the focus of things.
I love that. I think there's something to be said too for like you're naked in front of me and this is exactly what I pictured and imagined and I wanted. You are exactly what I'm attracted to because they keep saying that over and over again. Like your body is perfect. Yeah.
They love her red hair, her emerald eyes, her tiny shoulders. They can't get enough. Her tiny shoulders. They love it.
And her pinstripe suit sort of like hitting the back of her thigh at the right place. Her pinstripe suit? I mean her skirt. Sorry. She's wearing a suit suit the entire time.
I think that would actually be I think super cool because one of the things that bums me out is that these people are also vanilla. Like they're all so regular. It's like oh these three beautiful people were attracted to each other of course. But they have so much back story.
The foster care system you guys. Great. She has red hair. That's true. There is a line I want to point out but just don't want to forget about it is when they're about to have the threesome in the hot tub and they're like, she's like what are we doing? And someone said something like whatever you want. Forget what the first part of the line is but the second part of the line is and nothing you don't. Oh my God. Kind of like checking in way but also one of them maybe just held her against her in the hot tub. That's very true. Like I think that line is sort of the writer saying okay well now I have carte blanche.
We've like established the rules and also it's really immediately established. These guys are like I want this to be forever. They're so into it the second it starts. They're just like this is my family.
Thanksgiving alone? Never again.
I have Samantha. And that to me feels a little bit sex negative of like hey you're allowed to just have a three way with these people and not have it because you're in love with them forever. It can also just be a fun thing you did one night. That's okay. I would actually prefer it just be like whoa this is wild.
I'll never see them again but they like immediately form a family. Like they do. They do. Like skipping ahead to the end they all move in together and start a business. They immediately do that. They do that night.
And I like as it turns out not only is she a good fuck. She's a good hacker too. She can really program. Hell of a developer.
Yeah, I hate it developing. So then like what's funny here is that the stakes there's no tension really in the story I feel but the stakes are still about the app. And so like her ex dad is like he comes up and plants a seed. He's like they're just here to sell an app. They don't care about you.
And this guy is there at maybe two in the morning. Or four p.m.
We don't really know. No idea what time it is but he's come back drunk because he's presumably so jealous that she was kissing a guy when she met him and his fiance. Yeah. There's a lot. Yeah Ken's drunk. Then he plants a seed and then he drives drunk away which is like okay no one's gonna address that.
Well but in between Gavin and Reese beat the shit out of him. Oh yeah. They beat the shit out of him. The amount of times these dudes see a red mist in this book. Yeah from one of their points of view when Ken comes up immediately I started seeing red. To be fair I did warn him and the hits are right in the mouth. The description of the beating is very similar to the description of the sex. Oh my gosh. Which is really a wreck guys.
Well I think maybe they're just trying to cover all bases. They're like well maybe somebody's gonna be into this part of it. And so they're like very descriptive. That's yeah. Maybe this is what we're about. This is an overview of human sexuality. Yeah yeah yeah.
What's weird too is so then they obviously were skipping right ahead to the next sexual experience. And there's like a tonguing of her butthole. Which they call a ring. Is this a term? Yeah they didn't. They sort of talked around the fact that he was eating her ass for a little bit.
Yeah he was. And then he touched that spot. And I lit up like a.
Christmas tree.
I can't remember exactly. I remember reading this part and then like being confused for a second because someone called Martin an asshole. I wrote that in my notes. They go on and on about her butthole and all this stuff. And then the next sentence is asshole about a mean person. I was like wait I thought we were enjoying assholes. Martin's asshole is there suddenly? That really upset me.
And it was so like they're staying in the basement guest room. These two brother twins or whatever. And there's this tension of like she just got she just found out about the app from her drunk ex who should have no reason to know that that would be an issue after he got the shit beaten out of him in his car destroyed by these two monsters. To yell back at this. They're only here for the app and she has immediately forgiven them. Like you would think there would be a certain amount of tension and we're trying to win each other back. I didn't understand why that would be a problem for her because of course there's some reason they're here.
They're not here to meet you. They have no idea who you were when the night started.
But also the relationship with Lynn. I want to know Lynn's sort of telling of the story. We never got the Lynn perspective.
Oh I'd love a chapter if while they're out fucking in her hot tub. She looks out the window.
What are those strangers doing? I invited those three people specifically to be nice and now they're fucking all together. They're ruining my hot tub.
Well my question is I really need to know the housing layout here because they spend a lot of time, these are not quiet people. What do you think it was? If you had to design this house, walk me through it. So I'm picturing a split level. So it's not a huge house but also not tiny. Maybe like four bedrooms. There was at one point I guess four people who lived here. There'd have to be, yeah. We've met three of them.
Yeah and there's a hot tub around the corner where somewhere upstate New York. So I'm guessing it's like the stairs that kind of go into like a basement but you can still see the backyard through the basement. You can walk into the backyard.
Completely with you. Yeah.
And I'm picturing the hot tub just behind a tool shed because I don't know how else it wouldn't be seen from the house. There has to be something that it's hidden unless it's way the hell far out. I'm imagining a sprawling mansion. That's the only way really it makes sense to have so many strangers in your home.
Also, where's her dad? Right? Good question. Did he die or something? Oh, I think he did die. They bring that up really quickly. I had to come back. Yeah. He died.
In the list of her tragedies. Yes, it was beneath all the other ones.
Oh, that was the other thing as they were kind of like setting up these characters when he first, when Reese first meets Samantha and he's like, I should have known that this was Martin's stepsister because of her red hair and how easily that she knew the way to the garage. Why would her having red hair have anything to do with knowing that that was Martin's stepsister? These two people that aren't related.
Yeah, exactly. And why would they have the same last name? Oh, yeah.
Just bringing it up. Wow. I want answers. I hate that we have to poke holes in this beautiful book.
That is a shame. That is really a shame.
Oh, I don't have the quote in front of me, but I would be remiss if I didn't bring up my favorite quote between the hot tub and her showing up at the basement guest room. There's kind of, you get Gavin's perspective on, for the first time, post-hot tub fucking. And he's talking about how it just felt right to have his best friend there. Yeah. And he's talking about like, you know, any other guy, if I saw any other guy kissing, you know, this sweet angel or whatever, I would be mad.
But I mean, it's Reese. And the like, ellipses, it's Reese, really got me.
It's so funny. Yeah, the relationship is so fascinating. Like you said, it's just how seamlessly and unawkwardly and in love they all are in this moment. They've just like, entered this, no questions asked.
Logistics would be so hard to manage. Three ways in general. You spend most of the time trying to figure out, how do I get to the other side of this person without it being a whole thing, without having to fully get up out of bed and walk around to the other side of the bed and never running a bed. If this was a realistic depiction of a three-way, at one point one of them would talk about how tired their elbow was getting of being propped up on it, trying to get involved for 20 minutes and just having it not happen. Also, I think with a three-way with a woman involved, there's a lot of pounding of her privates that I don't think is at all, at some point I was like, this seems really painful. There's a lot going on in there.
They fuck her in the ass and she's never been fucked in the ass. For the first time, yes. For the first time with no mention of lube at all.
And she's like, this is great. And that's it. And she's just like, yeah, great. Yeah, there's half a page of set up. She's just like a little bit of play and then it's in immediately and it's fine. There's no way.
She's getting fucked from both ends all at once. Her ring is loving it. So they're down in that second sex scene. Yeah, she goes into their room, into one of the million guest rooms in the house and there's another sex scene with the butt stuff. So that one, again, just jumping right into it and I feel like here they're really starting to feel like a family. They're really starting to gel.
He's just like, this is forever. They keep saying that. I know. They keep saying that as they're saying, as she screams into my mouth. That made me laugh so much.
But every character has that perspective on it. It's one of those buzz words that, I think that maybe it's a writing issue, but it is one of those things where every character has the same euphemisms that they use for things. Everyone talks like the same character. Yeah, it's like kind of one character. Oh, they all the same as that voice. It's the author.
I was a little stoned when I was reading this book and I truly laughed out loud when they talked about her screaming into Reese's mouth. It's so funny.
Well, then also, what was crazy here? Well, that's why Lynn never heard them. That's how we got around the next issue.
I feel like that would rip my brain. Your brain would hurt. So it's crazy to do it. Are you vibrating my crowns?
So then it's crazy because after this sex scene, a very similar situation happens. What we had with Ken and that altercation, we now have with Martin, the stepbrother. There's another drunken fight. A guy comes in drunk. It's the same thing again. And I really thought we were like, What'd you get at this dry party? All these people are so fucked up. They're so drunk.
And then they punch him. They punch Martin and we're like, We never want to work with you. There's a fight.
And that ends, oh my god, it's like, the stakes are so low because who cares? Selling this algorithm to this specific person was never established as a necessary move. There's other options out there. Not only that, I think to make them more desirable, it keeps coming up that Gavin and Reese are already wealthy. They don't have to worry about money anymore. So there's no stakes. Are they?
I didn't really remember how wealthy they were, but I just remember after they fucked the algorithm and the pitch and they beat the shit out of this guy in his mom's kitchen. And he deserves it. He's being a creep and he's saying things like, Step isn't blood when he's trying to say, She's mine about his step-sister. So he deserves to get beat up.
But maybe a paragraph later, they're like, and also it turns out everyone wanted our algorithm. We ended up selling it to someone else for three times as much. Oh my god, I know.
This epilogue is wild. The epilogue got me laughing real hard. So what happens in the epilogue is? Because they drive away together. This is sort of where the story we leave off. The epilogue includes, I don't want to give away too much because I really want to encourage everyone to read this book.
But not only do they all move into a shared working and living space in Soho, it's where they just have sex and work all the time, but they sell the app, they make a bunch of money and they all finally feel like they have a family. This is sort of, it's the happiest conclusion of any sort of erotica I think you could ever find. Of any book that's ever been written.
You know what? I forgot. I don't know if we've really talked about how much they hated Thanksgiving. Oh yeah.
Everyone in this book is like fucking Thanksgiving, the worst holiday, and has really weird life. My favorite holiday. Yeah, my favorite holiday. How does everybody feel about Thanksgiving?
People are on board? Just us?
Rate it from drought to sleeping out of your chair. Drought to sleeping out of your chair. I'm sleeping out of my chair for Thanksgiving.
I don't really have a lot of family and so I like to growing up with my family, but now it's like I'm always invited to friends houses and I find it delightful. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah, I love it. Who are these people who've never been to a friend's giving? It's great.
They can't, that they have to go to Martin's mom's house. Well, she doesn't make friends easily for some reason.
You know that's a red flag. She's sort of a mess. Yeah, she's awful. Honestly, that's on her.
But yeah, Thanksgiving rules, right? I also wonder, is Lynn actually like, just like a really like nice woman who's taking in all of these like orphans and we're just hearing it from their perspective.
She's like a bitch. They did hear her yell, and none of them spoke English. Oh, that's true. Yeah, she's a monster. That's right. That's the only detail we have about her. She could just be dumb. Yeah. Oh, I think she definitely is.
Maybe she thought she was in Athens, Ohio. I'm sorry. Athens, Ohio is a great city.
I guess Thanksgiving is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's decidedly like the least sexy holiday of the major ones. I disagree. What do you think? I actually think Thanksgiving is kind of a sexy holiday. I do too. I'm curious. First of all, the light is usually very low, which is very important for Thanksgiving.
You're usually all covered in grease from the turkey. Vic's fully on board with this because we're fully in agreement that the hottest thing about this. No, Grant is. He's the fat of the turkey on your hand. He's the fat of the turkey on your small baby hand. You're covered in grease. I've had Thanksgiving with Grant before and he was covered in turkey grease somehow.
I tell you what, actually my first Thanksgiving out here. Oh my God. My first Thanksgiving in L.A. was at Trapp's house and Zach and Pat Cassels were both there and after. No last names. And after Thanksgiving, we went to Zach's house to get in the hot tub.
What? We're not about this. This ended, this book happened with me, Pat Cassels and Zach. Are you Matt Big Bay? How did you guys not lead with this? Truly, I didn't put it together so right now. I didn't bring it up at first just because I think it's fine. I was house sitting. No, I mean, no, this wasn't, it wasn't. But you know, it was, we went to Trapp's house for Thanksgiving and then we were all leaving and it was like, do you guys want to go to the hot tub? What happened?
Did you take a five hour nap? Yeah, I took a five hour nap and we woke up in the middle of the night and me, Zach and Pat all got together.
Yeah. This is a true story. This happened. It was great. It was a lovely night.
Samantha, that's hilarious. Oh my God. I'm Samantha by the way. And I'm Reese. Oh my God. That's so funny.
You were gonna say too that Thanksgiving is sexy in your mind. I think it is. Mostly because oftentimes you're like, if you are dating somebody, it is often like the first time that you're like, maybe in their like childhood home or isn't there something fun about like saving somebody's childhood bed? 100%. That is a fully great thing. Is that insane? No, no, no, no. Is that creepy? No, it's not. I love it. It's also like when you're like home for the holidays, like seeing all the people you went to high school with, like around Thanksgiving, there's like that weird like college, like home for the first time and like super, everyone's getting just hammered. Totally.
The night before Thanksgiving is a night you end up like, yeah, you go to some, you usually go to a party where you know some people. Yeah, it's people you grew up with and then you end up like maybe sleeping with someone. It's like, oh hey, we were, we used to sleep together and now we both have our lives, but we're getting back together for tonight. Just one night and then we go our separate ways.
Yeah, that's great. Yeah.
Yeah, I would say that the, I'm trying to think of what's a sexier holiday than Thanksgiving. It's not Valentine's Day. No, it's too on the nose. No.
Fourth of July is actually kind of a sexy holiday because it's the middle of summer. Everything happens at night. You know, you're there for like the fireworks and stuff.
And you're not so full. Yeah. That's really the thing about Thanksgiving where you're like gonna just throw up for eating so much. You don't really feel horny. But somehow, I don't. I never feel, yeah, no, I need to, I need like, it's like swimming. I need a full hour. Yeah. I will cramp up.
Yes, Fourth of July is like a big watermelon. Like you do a lot of watermelons, so it's a lighter meal. I feel like Fourth of July is hard, that's hard for me just because it's like a day drunk, day drunk kind of holiday.
I feel like I'm outside a lot in the day. Yeah, it's true. You get a little faded from the sun. And then it's like, I'm like done by like seven p.m.
I guess New Year's is like classically, but I think people get too drunk. People get too drunk and people put a lot of pressure on New Year's to make something happen. It is sexual, but it's a sad, sexual holiday thing. Yeah, it's like we're fucking because the ship is going down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just have to get one in before we're done. I guess I'm hearing this argument for Thanksgiving. I'm feeling more on board about it, being sexy. Yeah, at the very least the Thanksgiving break. Yes, yeah. Yeah, the Thanksgiving holiday itself is, although, no, this wasn't gonna be a good detail.
No, say it. Say it. Can we tell? Yeah, you let me know if it's important that I share this with the group.
My Thanksgiving's, we'd spend a lot with the O'Brien side of my family and they wouldn't eat dinner until like eight or nine. That's fucked up. A lot of people have dinner at like four in the afternoon. I would do that. But my family just, we were bad cooks so everything would be delayed.
It wasn't intentional.
But you'd do like a two p.m.? I would like, even like four, I feel like if you're gonna eat that much, I'm like happy to start early. And then I usually kind of don't eat lunch right for Thanksgiving. Yeah, because I don't think you eat all day, right? Waiting for the meals. Yeah, you're sort of picking stuff off. You can have like a late night sandwich. You can kind of like do another little late night thing too.
Yeah. Or go fuck someone you went to high school with. Yeah.
Lots of options here. There's a lot of options. A late night meal of many kinds.
In this, in the timeline of the story, I believe from beginning, I think what we've established is like, we're not even in Thanksgiving yet this whole entire time. Like the amount of things that happen, even into the epilogue, I think their company has been established and they are living together by the time Thanksgiving hits. Like they're not, there's so much that happens. So I don't think we get a lot of Thanksgiving in this story. Yeah, this book happens not on Thanksgiving.
No. It's the night before. It is. Well, technically the morning of. That's true. The early, the twilight of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Eve into Thanksgiving Twilight. Yes.
You also didn't talk about the hilarious jokes that the author included in this book. Oh my God. Oh, well, for example, when they get done having sex in the basement, then one of the two brother twins says, I didn't think we were having stuffing until tomorrow. You don't dinner? And then the other guy says, I was going to make a joke about too much gravy and this line is that.
And they all laugh and go upstairs together on that line. I always like when they include in lines of like, and they all laugh a lot. You know what I mean? When people are just like, they include letting us know that the characters in this book found what was just said very, very funny. And now all they know about each other is that they make shitty jokes and one has a beard. No other defining characteristics of any, of either one of those dudes. But I guess they all have the same sense of humor. Like they all have, it's like you found your tribe here because if you're all making the same jokes and you all think you're hilarious, like yes, please live in this Soho space together. This is meant to be, you know?
Yeah. Gravy. And she worked for an app called Finger. Finger. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, what did Finger do?
It was a dating app.
And I think we, I don't know, we can fill in the gaps. Oh, we'll fill in the gaps. It sounds like that's what you're on the app for, is to get those gaps filled.
Oh baby. We have the same sense of humor as the boys in the app. Oh, I didn't think we were having stuffing until Thanksgiving. I personally love this book. I thought it was super fun. You know, I walked into it with a bad attitude about it, but now I kinda like it.
Did you have a favorite sex scene? That's a question for the group. Which of the sexes were the best?
Probably when they were destroying that guy's car. They smashed his windshield. Just like kicking a step back and just remembering that they have just been fucking in a hot tub and they're just destroying a Porsche of a drunk. Like they were trying to be so discreet earlier and they're just throwing rocks at a car.
At a stranger's house. Who's asleep? Who's gonna come out tomorrow? What happened? Oh, those two giants who are at my party.
Beat the shit out of a Porsche and left. Oh my God. Yeah, he's crazy.
They spend so much time talking about her hair. Like that's such a huge part of it. I know she has a hair. I know she has little shoulders. And that's all. Big hair, little shoulders, green eyes. Physically what we know about the guys is like chest on one and beard on the other, right? We don't really know much. I thought their physical stature was the same just because like she saw one and thought it was the other. Except for the beard.
We do have another piece of physical description which is that when Reese gets a boner and he pulls it out for the first time it smacks him in the abs. It smacks him right in the abs. Do you have that much torque? It's so funny to me that it just like slaps him. That is, now look, that's a kind of erection. Everyone's penis is their own penis. That's fine, but it's really silly if it just smacks you and you take it out and makes a smacking noise. I like that detail because it felt real. It's like, oh, this is a feature of this person. That's so funny. It would be, again, viewer. Your boner can be however it is and everyone's wonderful. It'd be hard to have sex with a boner that you'd have to keep pointing it down all the time.
Oh, so we're thinking that that's like, it wasn't just like a reflexive thing. Its natural state is up against. I would have to imagine because otherwise that means it's maybe not. Hey, maybe you're right. Maybe it just. We pulled the underwear down so quickly that it went like down up really fast. Yeah, that's probably it.
Also, can't you get a surgery? There's some kind of like muscle that when you get an erection it determines, oops, sorry, how high it goes. So there's like, you can like cut. Use the mic as well. It's right here. So like, I think you can like get one snipped. There's a surgery you can get for an enlargement where there's a ligament you can get cut. So maybe a super tight ligament seems to stretch more and needs to work it out.
What it sounds like to me. What do you have to do? Yeah, like, you know, it's just, oh, this poor guy and his. Yeah, that sucks.
I mean, it worked out. Everyone's so happy in the end of this book.
Yeah, I think my favorite sex scene may have been the 30 minute, does she know she's having sex with the wrong person? Is this a completely consensual situation? What is happening? Freak out that I had when reading the book of like, am I supposed to be reading this?
That was for me personally, a highlight. I also like that. I also thought that was a bit of a highlight.
Mostly because there wasn't any sort of weird friendship politics that I had to navigate that everyone else seemed indifferent to. Oh my god, that's the erotica of friendship with no jealousy. That's sort of the fantasy I'm entering into. It's just like a beautiful friendship where we all share and want good things for each other. That's really like, I could get into that.
I would say maybe my favorite part is when she goes up to her room and she's like maybe kind of getting into it herself and then she hears her stepmom's voice and falls asleep. For five hours. Yeah, she was about to start masturbating and then fell asleep for five hours.
And who among us hasn't been there? I mean, it felt real.
That is, I have been like, fuck it, nevermind. No, go on. No, that's my reaction. It's like, should I jack off until I come? No, nevermind, I'm just gonna go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't even bother turning off the lights or moving my phone out of my bed.
And that's Thanksgiving. And that's how I spend Thanksgiving.
Another one of my favorite parts is that a couple of times the guys are described as wearing wet boxers. Like in the basement sex scene. Like it's like a hot thing, not just really gross. Yeah, not just like gross as hell. I know, going back to this whole anatomy lesson available in this book, take that thing off, shower, clean up. There were so many sex scenes in here too where they had hot tub grosses on them and then they'd re-entered each other and stuff. It's like, no, you gotta be clean.
At least change your boxers. If you wore them into the hot tub, you've already seen each other naked. You can just lose the boxers. Yeah, because I guess that's it, right? Is this the idea of they're dripping wet so you can see everything but then we immediately see everything so what illusion are we playing to? Wet boxers. I could see how in one's fantasy that might be appealing but in reality they'd just be sort of like droopy and loose and sort of soggy. We're talking like traditional boxers that go down to here. Because otherwise I feel like she'd specify boxer briefs.
I don't know. I feel like she could have. He could have been there. Now, did it feel by to anybody else? Is that me projecting?
I mean, they're very close friends to the point where I was like, they're kind of in love. But I thought they should have gone in harder on just being like, we are sexually attracted to each other because I felt like it was there but they weren't saying it. Yeah, they were immediately so comfortable just laying in the bed together and all three of them laying in a pile which is great but yes, say so. Yeah, it felt like the author was clearly making a point like they are not bi.
This is unusual. I agree. No, this is just them. That's all right.
Yeah, that would have been, what a great chapter that would have been if she is upstairs taking a shower and then it's like, what about the two of us? Should the two of us get into this? And then they're getting into it and then she walks in like, mind if I join?
That would be great. And then to know that she's cool with it and then all of a sudden then like, oh, he's fucking her and he's sucking the other one's cock and then all of a sudden I'm there and she leaves and then everyone just fucks me. Yeah, that's so true. That would be a great, I'd love to see that rewrite. Wouldn't that be a good book? That's the epilogue. I do think, yeah, for a book that in some ways is so out there with sex, it does hold certain outdated sexuality ideas very much throughout. That is shocking. That is a good point right now.
It did feel like it was missing from the book. It felt absent.
Yeah. The idea of the three big sex scenes in the book are like the garage thing where it's like they don't actually have sex. They are leading up to it. Then the hot tub and then in this basement bedroom, it felt like there should be one with the, you know, these guys have been through a lot together. And tonight especially, should we maybe talk for a quick second about what we're gonna be like going forward? I mean, it was so clearly like, I would imagine the author's specific fantasy of like, you know, what would it be like to be Samantha and have these two guys just want you? Like even regardless of sexuality and where everyone is, it's like these two guys want me. Like that's the fantasy. Maybe she was like, she didn't wanna be jealous of those guys. Right, right, right. Ooh, yeah because that would bring up how revealing should I be right here?
I've slept with guy girl couples before and it's gone badly when there hasn't been some discussion before of what do you two want? Because I don't wanna step on any kind of toes and make anybody super jealous so what are we gonna do? Yeah, none of the discussion that leads to good three ways happened so I'm shocked that it went well. That never ever happens.
I'd imagine, yeah, you have to have a lot of discussions beforehand. That's not the kind of thing you can just do in a hot tub on a whim. It ends up getting complicated. It doesn't have to but it's better. Especially in that last portion where it's the double penetration.
It's like there's no way that's going as smoothly as it did and also without them touching each other ever because it makes such a big point of we never touch at any point. That would've been so hot if the guys were touching and they never touch. They never touch.
There's, it's, so, when you're double penetrating someone, your cock is rubbing up against another cock. The balls are touching. That's true, yeah. They're both, if you're in other, if someone's in the ass and someone's in the vagina, yeah, at least your fucking big, full balls are dragging on each other and that's hot but say so. Yeah, but then it's like oh shit, his balls felt great against my balls.
Or not, or sometimes it doesn't and it's clangy and it's sort of like this sort of sucks. And then on top of that, on top of all these logistics, in the end this beautiful ending is that they're living and working together. Okay, dating someone you work with, having sex with someone you work with, every single contentious relationship in your life and that's the happy ending is that they get this like, I'm gonna say I feel a little codependent in the end. It's like you need your own space. You can't always be having sex, working, and talking with the same people to have your own life.
I agree. Yeah. What boring people you must be. Yes.
To be able to make this work. Like get a hobby, you know? And Samantha doesn't have anything of her own. It's like she was at this Thanksgiving and kind of come, like she's being told what to do by these two men and then the conclusion is oh, now I do what these two guys that I'm with do, which is I'm like a coder now, which she has no aspirations or goals outside of them other than I guess working at this app.
App. Prism.
I know. I'm like, you know, make some friends, you know? Maybe she makes horseback riding. I mean. Maybe. There just wasn't enough room in the 70 pages of this book. Real lean. Yeah. I mean, you know, lean, lean storytelling and that's what I really like about it. I guess we're about wrapping up. Real quick, does everyone think they're a Gavin or a Reese? Ooh. I don't know. The personalities are so distinct. You know what? To be honest, I think I'm more of a Reese. Wow. I buy that. I think Gavin, his first impression is a little more forceful and like I can't grow a beard, so. No. By default, I think I'm a Reese. You're a Reese. I think I'm a Lin. Straight up. I kind of am too. Right?
I never know what's going on. I hope to party and just go to tell people about my vacation. And then they go have their own fun and I'm upset because like I'm not part of it, but also I don't know. I don't want to know. And I'm a buzzkill.
Okay. I'm Shelly. You're the new girlfriend fiance of Ken. I don't know what's going on and then I find out and I'm like, what? Whoa. Because Shelly's called me. What happened? Shelly's cool. I can tell.
She doesn't know. I mean, does she know that she, that they were cheating? You know. Well, they kind of were like, there's no way she didn't know. I think maybe she didn't know.
But if I can't be Shelly, maybe Reese. Yeah. I buy. Yeah, sure. Yeah, definitely.
I mean, I'm not. I also can't grow a beard. There's no way.
That's really the decider. That's the only kind of personality we have.
But what I'll say is a lot, I'll be turned around and people will be like, Karen. And then I turn around and they're like, oh, I'm so sorry. I was looking for somebody else. Well, that happens a lot.
I was looking for Karen Michaelis. Yeah, Karen Michaelis.
There it is. So with that, thank you all for joining us on the Erotic Book Club. I do hope that we attended this garden particularly as well. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
We've got to rate it, right? We've got to rate it, yeah. So everyone rate this book on a scale of desert to slipping out of my chair.
Oh, what is... I guess I'm...
My chair needs to be cleaned, but I'm not quite slipping out of my chair. Right? It's going to smell in a couple of days. Like, there was, you know, like there's some things that could have made it slipping out of my chair, but I think it's just not all the way there. Right, yeah. Yeah, I think my chair doesn't necessarily need like a bleach. It just needs maybe like a paper towel and some, you know, organic spray. Like, it's not like, okay, this chair needs to be burned. It's just like, just a little cleanup wouldn't hurt.
Vic? Yeah, so I'll say like, I was at the Shamu show, but I wasn't in the splash zone, you know what I mean? Sure. Like, I was like, a few rows back. It's humid from the salt water. Yeah, yeah. And you know, maybe every once in a while there's like, you get like a, you know you're there. If you closed your eyes, there'd maybe be like the whale like squirts at you a little bit.
Are you wearing a poncho? No, no, no. I'm too far back for a poncho. Poncho.
Who wants to spend the money at that point? Who wants to spend the money on it, yeah.
I'm slipping out of my chair, but because I'm covered in turkey grease. Which is the real turn on. That's the real hot part.
Well, next episode of The Erotic Book Club will cover The Barely Tamed Grizzly by Jennifer Snow. Jennifer Snow.
Sorry, Marie. If you would like to read along, please catch up with that. Hopefully you're subscribed to Dropout, the College Humors subscription service where you can get this early and get all sorts of other content and chat with the cast in the exclusive Dropout Discord. And if you're not and you're watching this on CH2, you're a fucking cheapskate and media's dying around you while you do nothing to change that.
Thank you all for listening to The Erotic Book Club. Please join Jess and Rekha when they are back. Thank you all. Thank you. Bye. I need it. |
dropout | Play_It_By_Ear_Trailer | Just to be clear, anecdotes that are true about centaurs. Buckle up all my little friends, because this party's gonna be fun. It's time for Factual Historical Actual Facts, Centaurs 101. Welcome to Play It By Ear, a musical improv show. And it's based on prompts that our actors and musicians are hearing for the very first time. I want this number to incorporate a phrase, honey roasted. I also want to hear a little bit of a scatting solo. And the song will also allude to as many classic computer games as possible. Hold me from behind like you're my big spoon.
I have lived as a donkey all these years. I shed so many donkey tears.
All of you that are like, you guys write these before hands in what universe? Why would we do that? We're headed for the deep space. Yeah. Just Jessica. Does anyone else want to join the yeah? Yeah. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_197_Kristina_Keneally | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms, folks, I can see. But I ain't spending any time on it. Get me my valium. Don't stop wearing the speedos. You're listening to Decode, the Tudor Advocates new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics.
Hello, I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Tudor Advocate. And I'm Errol Parker, editor at large of the Tudor Advocate.
Welcome to the Tudor's new Decode series, a podcast for Australians who have either tuned out or never really tuned in to the needlessly complicated bin fire of bullshit that is federal politics. As the nation approaches the federal election, we thought it was time to break down and decode all of the waffle and spin the media and politicians put in front of us to keep us in the dark. A regular segment on this new series will be our weekly interview profiles of Australian politicians, where we put questions to them and expect them to answer them honestly. Who knows? Some of them might just come across as real people. And today we've hit the ground running with a veteran of Labor's right faction, who like all politicians is desperate to be humanised in the eyes of voters. For our first interview profile of the Tudor Advocate's new Decode series, we are joined by federal Labor Senator, former New South Wales Premier, former Sky News commentator, and former American citizen, Kristina Keneally.
Thank you for joining us. My pleasure. Thank you so much.
Now, Senator Keneally, I'll get straight into it. And this will kind of, I guess, give you a chance to tell your story. I wanna ask, first of all, I wanna say that you are the first person I've ever met who was born in Las Vegas. You were raised in Ohio. You were educated over there too. So no offence, if it comes across that way, I don't mean to sound racist, but can you tell us how you ended up becoming the most powerful politician in New South Wales? And furthermore, how did you become a Rabados fan? Great couple of questions. Here's something else that you didn't put in that bio.
I am a seventh generation Australian and a migrant to Australia. So my mother was born in Brisbane. Her family goes back several, six generations before her and her mother married an American GI during the war. So my mother born here, she's still an Australian citizen, but bizarrely when I wanted to move to Australia in 1993, I called up the Australian embassy and they said, sorry, you have no claim to come here because under the law that existed at the time, women could not pass on Australian citizenship by descent. Only men could. So I came as a migrant to Australia, having met my Australian husband, one Ben Keneally, at a Catholic World Youth Day in Poland in 1991. Okay, so we do know, I think you've just revealed who won the Battle of Brisbane was your American grandfather.
Although he does claim he introduced fried chicken to Australia, which I suggested perhaps another military guy by the name of Colonel Sanders, might have had more to do with it. He's certainly got a few shops around. He was only a Kentucky Colonel, wasn't he? Which that's an honorary title, if I'm not mistaken.
So you met at the Catholic World Youth Day in Poland. Home of John Paul II. Yeah, he was there too. What was going on in your life that led you to travel with a bunch of fun loving Catholic kids?
Well, in university, I was the president of the National Association of Students at Catholic colleges and universities. And I think it's important to understand America has like 400 Catholic colleges and universities, a very different kind of system. So I was the president of that and I was involved with student politics there. I had interned for the Democrats and I got sent by the US Bishops Conference over to represent the US at this Catholic World Youth Day.
And right across the hall in the dormitory we were staying in was the Australian representative. Pretty good looking guy. Yep. So what was the turnaround there? Was it like the next year? Well, yeah, I got to say to that point, Errol, I'd gone to a Catholic university where we had single sex dorms. So the idea that there was actually a boy across the hall was something a bit interesting. Who was lying about being a dolphin trainer? Well, you know, you're in Europe and I guess, you know, sort of back in the early 90s, Australia was a bit more straight laced. Actually the Australians represented themselves in the usual style at that conference.
A bit of Dundee. Yeah. In the crossword and scrabble competitions, I hope. Yeah, yeah, a lot of beer and pizza too.
But anyway, yeah, no, in fact, because you got to think back, this was before mobile phones. It was really before the internet was widely available and we wrote letters. And over the course of two or three years, wrote letters and they were once a year visits.
Really? Yeah. It's real notebook stuff. It really is. There's shoe boxes of letters up in the closet, which my children would probably be horrified if they were ever published or read. But no, after a few years of that, we made a decision that we give this a go and I came to Australia. Right.
Can you tell us how you then got involved in politics? Cause that's not the first thing recent migrants do. As you, I guess. Well, yes and no. I've met a lot of recently arrived migrants who do get involved in politics and partly because a lot of people get involved in politics because they've been able to come here as refugees or asylum seekers as a result of a government making a decision. You know, you think about Bob Hawk after Tiananmen Square, you think about Malcolm Fraser in Vietnam. And so I think that I've met a lot of people who've gotten politically involved because they're very grateful that a country gave them an opportunity to escape persecution. In my circumstance, it was more the case that one of the things my husband and I shared was a love of politics and social justice, a commitment to social justice. And so when I moved here, as I said, I'd been involved in student politics and I'd worked for the Democrats in the US. And so when I moved here, it was 94 and there was a lead up to the 1995 New South Wales state election.
And Ben was in fact a party secretary in his local area in Gladesville. And I got, literally I walked off the plane and straight into letterboxing and envelope stuffing. And there's a great story from that campaign in Gladesville when I was volunteering in the campaign office and the then leader of the opposition, Bob Carr's office rang the campaign office. I answered the phone and they chatted to me for a few minutes. And then they asked to speak to the campaign director and they said, get that woman with the American accent off the telephones. And the great thing about that story is the guy that said it was one Walt Secord who then went on later on to become my chief of staff when I was premier.
So he would walk around constantly saying, I was wrong that day. I was definitely wrong. But there was a little bit of that sentiment too, the yanks, we won't be told what to do.
Yeah. So when you joined the labor party, as we found out during the crisis with the citizenship is that the labor party asks you if you are a citizen of another country. So how quickly were you able to throw that American passport in the bin? Well, I did it quite quickly when I nominated for the seat of Heffron because well, actually you don't technically need to relinquish dual citizenship for state parliaments, but at that time- The state parliament. Yeah, but at that time it wasn't entirely clear. And there was also a view that it was a good way to demonstrate that I had a clear commitment to Australia. And I had decided well before that that Australia was my home. This is where I was going to build my life and raise my family. So it was pretty easy to relinquish American citizenship. You literally have to go into the consulate and put your arm up and swear.
I am done.
Are the guys on the border ever confused? When you come into LAX and they're like- Yeah, I've been asked for, why aren't you traveling on your American passport? A Midwestern accent. And the birthplace. And they say, why aren't you on your American passport?
And I have to explain. I've got a diplomatic one that's the size of a laptop here. Theater scan. I grew up watching a lot of television. And I'm in the fast lane too. I'm at the back of the queue.
The fun thing about giving up American citizenship is that the state department actually publishes quarterly the list of people who have relinquished their American citizenship. And they publish your name and the place that you did it.
So if you go back and search way back in when I did it, and I'm sure this is not on, it's like, you read it, it's like Cuba, Cuba, Cuba, Russia, Russia, Sydney. Cuba, Cuba, Russia, Russia.
Yeah, in 1991, yeah, yeah. So Senator Keneally, what do you think it was that drew you to the labor side of politics? It seems like you and your husband were always interested in politics, but what was it that brought you to labor? Were you a union member? Unions played a pretty significant role. In fact, almost a defining role in my youth. And that's this, when I was, America doesn't have anything like we've got in terms of hex.
So I had to work to put myself through university. And I worked at the company my father worked at, which is a fiberglass manufacturing. And I was on the floor, the factory floor of that fiberglass manufacturing company, taking these huge rolls of fiberglass off of machine and kind of wrapping them and sending them down the assembly line.
And it was hot work. It was itchy work. It was, you know, but it was- Sounds so itchy actually. It was incredibly itchy.
These little glass fibers would get caught between- You'd be an expert at mask wearing then. Oh yeah, no, I'm definitely, I'm good with PPE.
But the reason I say the union is really important is I was what they called casual work to fill in for when people were on leave. And the union had been trying to ensure that a casual workers work could join the union. It was the teamsters.
Also the Irishman. Yeah, also not far from where I grew up that story. But anyway, the machine that we worked on, when I got there, it had a safety switch and it spun really slowly and you had to stand like four meters back. But I got that job because the woman who was literally a few months older than me, who'd had it before me, was killed on that machine when you didn't have a safety switch, when it spun much more quickly and you're applying this adhesive tape to it. And you know, you can imagine what happened. She got stuck on the adhesive, spun around and killed.
And you know, to me, I still think about her. Leslie Lambert, you know, 31 years separates us. 31 years since she died and a few months separates us.
And that could have easily been me or one of my friends because the union had been advocating for that machine to be made more safe and they'd been advocating for casuals to be able to be represented by the union. And so when I think about the role of unions, it, you know, things like advocating for better pay and conditions, absolutely essential, but they also advocate for things like workplace safety. And it literally means that I'm sitting here today because a union was really fighting. In their case, they only became successful after that tragic, horrible workplace death.
So it shouldn't have to be too late. No, it shouldn't. It shouldn't have to be. It shouldn't.
And that's why it's so important. So I say to people and I say to my own kids, you know, join your union, join your union. Every good thing that's come for the Australian worker has come because of unions. Eight hour workdays, annual leave, you know, paid parental leave. You know, these things don't just fall out of the sky. They're there because people, workers come together collectively and agitate for them. That's a pretty good explanation as to why you'd be drawn to labor.
Why did you, I mean, we'll skip past that whole first part of your political career where you ended up as the most powerful person in New South Wales. Well, you know, until as what happened with Anna Bligh in Queensland, you had to pay for the sins of the party at the polls, I guess.
And we, you know. Like we all do at some point in our lives.
We've tried to get Barry O'Farrell on here. He won't go near us, but maybe he can join us for the State Government Decode Series. Maybe you should offer him a bottle of wine.
Oh, okay. There she is. What? That was what?
He can take the girl out of the bear pit, but you can't take the bear pit out of the girl. Well, you know, it was the bottle of wine on top of the iceberg of a number of things. Anyway, we'll move on, the casinos and whatever.
So tell us, why did you move from New South Wales politics? Did you always envision Federal? No, no. And really, you know, I think it's worth, when I left politics, I really did feel, well, that was it. I had had my opportunity. I had had the privilege of being Premier, an amazing privilege, and to be the first female Premier, which was quite extraordinary. And I really did not anticipate or even think that my further career in politics was something I wanted. I went and worked for Basketball Australia, which is a job I loved.
Then I went and after doing that for a few years, went and worked at Sky News, which if you think about Sky News today, it might be hard to believe that I was at- Well, it was Sky News in the daytime. It was in the daytime, and it was also at a point where Sky News was a very different creature. Like when I joined Sky News, Stan Grant had a two-hour show from six to 8 p.m. called The World with Stan Grant. Now that time slot's occupied by Peter Cradlin and Andrew Bolt, it's a very different posture. I was enjoying that, I really was, because you can still shape political conversation and make a contribution.
But the change of fate very much came in a phone call from Bill Shorten seeking me to become the candidate at the Bennelong by-election. And I never actually thought I would win the Bennelong by-election. We've only held Bennelong once in the entire history of Australia. But it was about taking up the argument in what was going to clearly be a big national contest just before Christmas, and Malcolm Turnbull was on the nose in really putting the heat on the government at the time.
And my husband and I were living in that part of the world. His mother lives there, and our children are going to school there.
And I remember going home to Ben and saying, all right, they've asked me to do this. What do you reckon? And I had been secretly thinking, I feel like I should do it, I really do. And Ben said, no, you've got to do it. You've got to do it.
We've got to stand up for the Labour Party. You've got to stand up for working people. You've got to stand up and have a crack against this terrible government.
And it really went on from there. And I think often the biggest decisions we have sometimes in life are the ones we don't expect. And it's what you might have a plan, and you might have a view, and that's good. And I think people should have plans and views about their lives. But sometimes you get an unexpected invitation, and it's what you say yes to.
And I think when I met my husband, I wasn't exactly looking for a partner at that point in my life. But here was this guy who kind of intersected into my life and made no sense. He was from Australia, and I said yes to that. And that was an amazing change of my life.
And a great word of the woods.
Well, actually, he had what I considered at the time the worst pickup line. Because I will confess, as an American, growing up in America, I had not heard of Tom Keneally. And that's probably a terrible thing to admit. Did he say, do you know who I am? No, he told me, though, how he is.
This is 91. He told me how Steven Spielberg had just taken the rights out to his uncle's book. And I thought, A, I don't believe that. That's the worst pickup line ever. And it turns out, you know, Schindler's List was one of the biggest movies of all time.
And I very quickly learned who Tom Keneally was. But I have to say, at the time, Americans really weren't reading a lot of Tom Keneally. So yes. I'm sure authors just weren't really landing in the States at that point. Now, can you tell us, as it stands now, you're a federal senator. You filled the void of, I'm going to say, a Shanghai Sam Dastyari.
He found him because of some wrong place, wrong time. Yeah, wrong place, wrong time, wrong phone. Found himself in a bit of mischief.
And you take the short ball straight into the Senate.
That's where you've been for how long now? Since 2018. 2018.
Why are you having another crack at the lower house? That's what I want to ask. I mean, what can you do in the lower house that you can't do in the Senate? You're already the deputy Senate leader for the opposition. You're the shadow minister for immigration. You've got some of the biggest titles in your party. Why do you want to go back down to the ground and hand out letters? Well, there's two answers to that.
One, the more general answer, is that I miss what I love about politics, is the opportunity to represent a community and to be part of a community and stand up and fight for them, to be with them at their saddest moments and at their greatest joys, and to help them fix problems. That's what politics, the best part of politics is. Still, if I reflect on my state career, it's the things that you did that I still remember. The bus stop we got outside, the graphic arts club on Coward Street in Mascot, the school crossing at Banks Meadow Public School, where those things just so fundamentally change communities. And so I miss that.
The Senate, you are, the Senate's important. The committee work's important. Estimates is fundamentally important. For me, what really drove me into politics was the ability to represent people and agitate and fight for them. And it's harder to do that in the Senate.
It's a bit more academic. It's a bit more remote. As I say, it forms an incredibly important function. It's not one.
In some ways, as you point out, an accidental senator. I ran for the lower house. In the middle of that, Sam imploded. There was a vacancy. The party said, can you step up and fill it?
But I think the other issue is specifically the electorate. Fowler is in southwestern Sydney. It's a place that I and a community I know from my time as premier and planning minister and disability minister. I know the state members out there. I know the community leaders there.
And it is the most economically disadvantaged electorate in Australia. It has housing costs that are similar to the rest of Sydney, but it has, in terms of average weekly earnings and family household earnings, it's much lower.
Challenges are acute. The people are amazing. The opportunities are there. If they had structural support, things like affordable housing, things like cheaper child care, things like cheaper energy, things like TAFE and apprenticeships and university places.
And they've never had a senior minister, they've never had a minister represent them. They've never had a cabinet minister represent them. And this is an opportunity not only to stand up for a community, but stand up for a community at the most senior levels of government where they've never had a voice.
So when you ran in Bennelong, you live less than a kilometer outside of the electoral boundaries. So we can't humanize you without asking, have you bought a 20-year-old hotondo home out the back of Cabramatta yet? We've moved to Liverpool. My husband and I, my children are grown. They don't live at home anymore. But yeah, we've got a place in Liverpool and loving it.
Well, I do want to say this for those on the track that are listening in. Senator Keneally has received a bit of flak from the media and members of her own party for deciding to put the hand up to run for this southwest city. I think I might have received some from the Batuta advocate. Yeah, a little bit of that. Yeah, Cabra Keneally.
That was good.
News is news. For those listening who are from all around, or on the tractor, as we say, the electorate of Fowler is a federal division that includes some of Sydney's most famous migrant enclaves. So we're talking about Cabramatta. You've probably heard that, probably heard of Liverpool. It's an area with a population of about 50,000 Asian Australians within the electorate.
So through the research, which we've done on you, we've done lots, I haven't been able to deduce that you are Asian. And I mean, I was going to ask if you ever worked in a factory. You've already cleared that up. I was saying, what makes you think you're best to represent all of these diverse needs? I mean, outside of pedestrian crossings and the infrastructure you can provide like you did in mascot at state level, there's a lot of nuance and a lot of cross-cultural sensitivities. Do you think you are up to it? Well, as a former premier of New South Wales and a former minister, this is something I've had to do and do quite effectively throughout my political career.
And indeed, in the state seat of Heffern, has a very similar profile to Fowler. Half the people there are born overseas. Nearly 3-quarters have at least one parent born overseas. And an incredible mixture. You're right about Australians of Asian background, Chinese, Vietnamese, Cambodians, Laos, quite notably. Fowler also has the highest number of Bosnians, the highest number of Assyrians, a very high number of Armenians. It has a significant Italian immigrant community, that one being maybe in the second generation now. A lot of concrete. There's a lot of diversity.
Fowler is amazing in that it literally is the whole world living there. It is literally the whole world living there. You can walk down straits in Fowler and hear people speaking Aramaic, the language of Jesus, the Mandaean community. And so it's an incredible example of multiculturalism. We say Australia is the most successful multicultural nation on Earth, and it is. But I think you would struggle to find anywhere in Australia where that is most well-demonstrated than Fowler. And you talk about Americans. I would just note that the liberal mayor of Liverpool, one Mr. Ned Manoon, lovely guy, by the way, is also American. It is literally quite a diverse, extraordinary place.
And one of the benefits of coming as the former premier is many of these community groups, the Chinese Buddhist Association, the Vietnamese community in Australia, they have same leadership structure that they had in the same people and the people I know. And I've known for more than a decade now. So it's really been lovely, the welcome that I have received in coming back to a lower house seat in that community.
Have you ever tried kava? Yes. It's in the actual Fijian Indian supermarket. So that's the key.
My brother-in-law lived in Fiji for a while. And in fact, my niece is from Fiji.
But I can't say it's my favorite thing. But yes, I have tried it. We'll move on past the eligibility now.
You did not inhale. I did not inhale the kava.
Senator Keneally, the current government, so not your mob, the current government is facing quite a lot of criticism for the kind of bumbling management of this pandemic. Now, the public was initially quite sympathetic to the shift in goal posts and the targets and the rapidly changing plans that Scotty was putting on the table. Because there was, unlike the bushfires, with the pandemic, there was this feeling amongst the population, the electorate, that he's only building the plane as he's flying it.
So are we. There was that feeling. But now it's gotten to the point where the noise and the criticisms kind of, looks like it might leave a lasting legacy on the man. Can you tell us, Bill Shorten won that last election. How would have Labor handled it any different? Few things. Make this observation.
We're in the middle of an almost unprecedented crisis, particularly in modern Australian history. And the role of the federal government has actually shrunk. Never before in a crisis has this federal, the national government shrunk its responsibilities. And yet, things like aged care, which is clearly a federal government responsibility, quarantine, the international border, the federal government actually stepped back, not stepped up. And I think when we look back at this pandemic, when we get past it and we will at some point have some kind of examination of the government's response. But I think even history will judge, the extraordinary thing is the absence of federal leadership. The fact that we've had states going their own way on things like state borders, making their own calls about how many people from overseas can come into their jurisdiction, that's extraordinary at a level that I don't think, that we've kind of become normalized to it, but it is actually quite extraordinary.
And when National Cabinet, the so-called National Cabinet first started, we welcomed it because we kind of thought this could be good. You've got the premiers and the prime minister, they're gonna come up with a national plan, they're gonna work together. And it so quickly broke down because when we had a liberal premier in Gladys Berejiklian and a labor premier in Danny Andrews with the most populous state saying, hey, schools cannot open during the height of this pandemic and the prime minister saying, no, I want them open. And they had against the prime minister had to take decisions in the best interest of their citizens. And that's, into my mind, the point where the prime minister was playing a political game, an ideological game. Do you think he was waiting until one of them dissented from the National Cabinet so that he could say that it was on them?
Yeah, this is my perennial question about Mr. Morrison. Is he a manipulative evil genius or is he just bumbling through Scotty from marketing, throwing spaghetti on a wall to find out what sticks? It's possible. That was the devious plan or it's possible he just took a view, if I duck under this and let other people take the blame, I won't, none of this will stick to me. So you're saying you're not really that confident in his leadership? Breaking news. I don't think he wanted to be the prime minister really. I mean, he was just in that room and they were like. Oh, I disagree. I reckon. Do you reckon he was sharpening knives? I reckon the manipulation that was going on was quite extraordinary.
You got any ghosts you wanna give us? No, not ghosts in that I'm not inside the Liberal Party.
I don't know exactly what's going on, but you read things like Nicki Savva's book and others where quite clearly there was a machination of let Julie Bishop go out and do this, let Peter Dutton go out and do that. We're gonna hold this back. We're gonna put my arm around Malcolm Turnbull in the courtyard and say, this is my prime minister and I've got ambition for him and then knife him in the back 48 hours or whatever it was later, days later. Who in your opinion, cause we want gossip now and this is all part of the D card series. Who do you reckon? And you can just say, cause we'll say our theories. Who do you reckon sent that message to Gladys?
I don't know. I don't know, but I tell you this. I tell you, no, but I will say this. I will say this.
I see the government out now. I heard Greg Hunt do it. I've heard the prime minister do it.
Say, well, we don't believe that it's real. Let me just be clear about something. I know the journalist who has the messages. I hosted a show with him on Sky News. I know him incredibly well. Peter van Onselen, he hasn't made this up. This is real. This is genuinely real. Even we've seen the text messages. It's just, who wants to get sued first? Yeah.
Is it Warren Inch? Warren Inch?
I don't think he's inclined. One of the only assets I have in this world is this MacBook and an NC Fairlane.
Well, that's why we're the ones who are going to eventually leak it. But do you think that there's something happening right now? Do you think there might be a collapse in the near future?
Because he has a way of coming back, as do a lot of leaders. And we've seen it, and we see it with Labour as well. We see it with Peter Beattie was a great example of this.
Come out and you'd apologize. You'd back up, you'd come back, and then there'd be a dead cat on the table.
It was a bit more subtle when he did it. He certainly didn't host press conferences with Boris Johnson. Peter Beattie had a gift.
Who wants to talk about Expo again? Yeah, yeah. Well, wasn't that a great time for Brisbane? Let's deport Djokovic. He's a bit more subtle than that.
But Labour actually, you could argue, have pioneered this in many ways, in this ability to keep moving forward. Labour has won in opposition twice in about 100 years, but when they're in, they're in, and they stay. And they stay in.
What do you think? Well, it's good though that now they've got that anti-knife law where if Albo wins, he's gonna do four years at the very minimum. So are you asking, are they gonna get rid of Scott Morrison? I'm trying to...
Do you reckon they're in turmoil? Oh, they're absolutely in turmoil. They're absolutely in turmoil. Whether that remounts to a leadership challenge remains to be seen. It would be a pretty risky move, you'd think, right now. But are they in a world of pain?
Yes, they don't like each other, clearly. They're at each other's throats here in New South Wales. The Libs don't like the Nats. The Nats don't like the Libs. The Libs don't like each other. Clearly, some people don't like the Prime Minister.
So I think the thing about those text messages that really stuck out to me though, the language was pretty full on about the names that he was called, but yeah, I think- Psycho. Yeah. The thing that stuck out to me was when Gladys Berejiklian said, people will die today and he's playing politics. And I think that does him more harm because, and I think it does him more harm for this reason. People expect, I'm not gonna like some of my colleagues, they're not gonna like me, whatever. That's the nature of any workplace, right? But the idea that the public already have a suspicion that Scott Morrison plays politics and that I don't hold a hosemate is the line that has defined him and nailed it. And what these text messages just confirm is what people had already suspected. And I think that's the damaging part for him.
So we have to ask you some regional focus questions being a regional broadcaster. Over the past couple of years, the federal government has done its best to patch up relations with one of our biggest trade partners in China. Do you think that particularly the more primary industries of Australia, in agriculture, would they be better off under a labor government moving forward? I mean, a lot of people in the bush are looking to reestablish ties with our greatest marketplace. Yeah, look, the tariffs and the barriers to our exports is a significant concern and it has been for some time. And it is true to say that the posture of China has changed, their approach has changed, and that's going to be the case no matter who's in government, right? And a change of government in Australia isn't necessarily going to change how China behaves.
I think the important thing here is what can we do about it? And one, the hyping up of domestic political arguments for domestic political purposes about China doesn't help. It doesn't help. Two, trying to resolve some of these and work through them with China would be a more appropriate approach. And for example, there are measures that Labor has supported like cases to the World Trade Organization and the like, insisting upon the rules of the road when it comes to trade. But I think the other thing to think about when contemplating an approach to China is that point about the domestic politics. And let me just sit on that for a second, because what we have is a government that is really breaking what I call a bipartisan compact in Australia. We have a bipartisan approach by and large to foreign policy and national security, because it should be in the national interest. It shouldn't become a political football for domestic political purposes. And yet, we've seen that in recent days by a prime minister who I do think is desperate, who I do think has a party in turmoil, and who's seen his electoral fortunes really suffering. And therefore, I suspect he's trying to manufacture these debates. What we will do is take the politics out of it.
We will work with exporters to help them diversify their access to other markets, because under this government, not only have we had the barriers to trade imposed by China, but we've also become more dependent on China. We've become more concentrated in exporting to China. So I think that's the other side of this, is we should be working hard to get those barriers removed with China, but we should also be working hard to diversify the markets that our exporters have access to. There's a great book that I think a lot of people in your party should read called Breaking the Sheep's Back, about the wool crash. I know at the time it felt like for the sheep in cattle graziers that Labor was in no way interested in reading that book, but it's about when Australia held on too long to England and didn't make the move on the American market when they should have. The Wool Board's saying that 93% of their exports go to China, and they're taking that to a government right now saying, this is a concern of ours. And the response is, you need to diversify. How would you in government as Labor, on behalf of almost every one of these producers in an electorate that has no interest in helping you get into power, how would you help an industry like that diversify? Yeah, so one, many of this will fall under not my portfolio responsibilities, but our Shadow Minister for Trade, Madeline King. But I do think it is about sitting down and saying, okay, let's talk about the markets that you do wanna get into and what barriers are in place and what can government do to help remove them? Let me give you, for example, an area I know better, which is around the international student market, because they are similarly dependent on China, right?
And they have similarly had, our higher education is similarly faced with the border closure, a real collapse in its revenue, its funding, and the benefits that come. It's the only way you can get into WA now. Yeah, well, and so in that circumstance, it's like government set up a set of rules and conditions and funding rules around universities that pretty much funneled them into that. And universities had been raising a flag and saying, this is a problem for us.
So in that circumstance, it's like, okay, what are the opportunities to diversify funding? What do you need this funding for? Research, okay, when we saw the Prime Minister make a big announcement this week about research funding, but our universities have been putting up a red flag for years saying, our funding is too dependent on this. And then what are the other student markets we should be looking at? And what are the things we should be doing? So let me give you an example.
In the pandemic, while the borders have been closed, we haven't had any international students coming. During that time, countries like Canada and the United States were out processing student applications, visa applications, and giving guaranteed visa spots for as soon as their borders opened. So not only did we lose all the people that would have come here during the pandemic, we now have potentially lost a whole lot of people who would have come next year when the borders are fully, hopefully, fully opened.
Because other countries made changes to their rules and their processes. And when you talk about wool, I don't know wool well enough, but I imagine that there are changes around, you know, rules, whether it's in trade agreements or bilaterals or multilaterals, where you could facilitate things. The power of government to remove barriers to give opportunities to people, whether they're exporters or a kid who wants to go to university or a mom who wants to access cheaper childcare, all of these things are the role that government can play to remove barriers and give people an opportunity to get ahead.
Yeah, I'm sorry I stumped you with wool. I mean, I know it's not your expertise and I'll be asking a little proud of these same questions.
So he's coming on in the next couple of weeks. What I do want to ask you about is, you know, something much more close to your heart is, I mean, aside from the policies that Albanese outlined in his press club address, what do you personally want to deliver? Outside of your electorate, you can look at your local stuff and you can talk about what you want to bring the people, you know, in Fowler. But for the Australian people, the one thing that you would like to deliver.
We need to reset the migration program. The borders have been shut. This is an opportunity that Australia has never had before and may not have for many years into the future. And why do we need to reset it? Because over the last two decades, our migration program has grown increasingly reliant on temporary migration. We risk becoming a guest worker nation where we have people who come here, a permanent temporary class of people who do not have access to the rights and the services that Australians enjoy. Australia has always been a country built by permanent migration. People came here, they settled, they started businesses, they raised families. John Howard said, you either invite someone to come here permanently or you don't invite them at all. Over the last two decades though, we have just grown increasingly reliant on temporary migration.
Before the pandemic, there were 2 million temporary migrants in Australia. That was projected to grow to 3 million within a decade. And we saw during the pandemic, didn't we, what that meant.
Those international students lining up at food banks and charities, people just left with nothing. Especially too in the bush, you've got all these small towns like Billa Wheeler that had some workers from overseas and then just got taken away overnight.
I mean, is that part of where? I think that that is a whole nother question on the, and you ask, what is something else I wanna do as minister for immigration? Resolve the Billa Wheeler family circumstances. That is just $40 million in counting that we've spent on trying to export a family that the community wants. And in fact, the father's not as who I've met, the family, he's a forklift driver. Hey, let's not get kids, maybe get someone who's got the license. $40 million could buy a periscope on one of our new submarines. In 20 whenever. And how about the Park Hotel? Would you like to see them going back to servicing the roving travelers of Australia?
Well, I think the amount of money that we have spent on keeping people locked up in hotels is something the government really should answer for. And the one thing where I will agree with Peter Dutton, when he was minister for home affairs, he was starting to get people out of those and let those people live in the community. It's better for the taxpayer, it's better for those people. A lot of these people are in immigration detention because they're actually waiting to go somewhere else. Some of them have offers to go to the United States under the deal that we've got with them. And so the government needs to explain why they're keeping those folks at something like $900 a night, locked up in a hotel.
It's not good for the taxpayer and it's not good for them. My next question is who's gonna pick our fruit if we don't have Pacific Islanders to enslave on $70 a week? Well, we shouldn't be. I think exploitation is the problem. Exploitation there is a huge problem.
And when you talk about temporary migration, one of the problems around having a guest worker kind of model for employment is that people are vulnerable to exploitation because of their temporary status. And whether they are working cash in hand in a pub in Sydney or picking fruit on a farm in the Northern Territory or Queensland, if they have a temporary status, if their visa condition ties them to an employer, if they're employed by a labor hire company, they're just so vulnerable. So for example- Couple of bunk beds in a shipping container. If their wages have been eroded entirely by these spurious charges around accommodation and food and things that really just mean they end up working for a few cents in an hour. Charging them for the beef strog. I've got to say, I've met a lot of farmers who have tried to do the right thing and they're often undercut by these labor hire companies. And so things like labors, we want to have a national registration scheme for labor hire companies. We welcomed a Fair Work Commission decision recently to ensure that people working on farms have to be paid the minimum wage. I think there needs to be more to be done around enforcement and inspection of those conditions. But the Pacific labor scheme, which brings people in from the Pacific islands to work here temporarily to be able to send money back home, it's actually a really great idea badly implemented by this government.
It works if it's done properly. That's right. Because it works not just to provide the labor that we need for horticulture, but it actually works to provide money that gets remitted or sent back home.
It should be part of our Pacific step-up. And if Australia is not engaged with the Pacific islands, the blunt reality is other countries will step in to fill that space and China will be one. You want that international airport and the Solomon Islands? Yeah, there's gonna be a Chinese aircraft carrying Port Moresby and we're gonna turn around and be like, how did this happen?
Now, we've touched a lot of hot button issues today. Thank you for being so honest and open. I'm gonna finish this interview now with potentially your bread and milk moment. Oh.
I'm gonna ask you, Morrison couldn't- I don't eat bread, so. Well, you're lucky because the cuisine we're about to talk about doesn't involve that much gluten. Lastly, Senator Keneally, can you please tell us the key ingredients in the iconic Vietnamese cuisine known as gui kun? No, I can't. Rice paper rolls, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't speak Vietnamese. In fact, one of the hang ups of growing up in America is you don't particularly get encouraged to learn a lot of second languages. I have some very nascent Spanish.
Toledo. Toledo, Ohio, yes. I guess you'd be learning how to- Perogies. Toledo is Hungarian, German, and Polish.
Right. Quebecos, or? Yeah, they're not far. Do you have any of those kinds of Milwaukee Dutch, like, you know, there's a passage- The Pennsylvania Dutch kind of they call them, which are really Germans. Yeah.
Well, in fact, in my family background, I do, yes. But no, Toledo is heavily, well, at least was when I was growing up. It's probably diversified a bit, but heavily German. My father's family is German, so.
The most astronauts come from Ohio. It's got the highest number of astronauts. Well, yes, Neil Armstrong is from Ohio.
We could go through a list of famous people from Ohio if you want. I'm not sure if you're listeners or not. Drew Carey, sure, Drew Carey. Katie Holmes, the actress. In fact, her dad was my basketball coach, and her older sister was one of my good friends.
Wow. So there you go. We got the goss today. In fact, you know, I'm gonna make a bold claim here. I reckon I'm one of the few people who knows both sets of Tom Cruise's in-laws. That's pretty heckin' good. There wouldn't be too many people on the planet that know the Holmeses and Ed and the Kidmans. Oh, wow, that is, that's impressive. Nicole's dad was in the labor party before, he was a labor party supporter before he passed away, and I know Katie's family quite well. Righty-o. Well, the people that foul up will go, they'll vote with their feet after hearing that.
America's just a, you know, it's just a small version of Australia. It is. South Canada, we call it. Everyone knows each other.
Thank you for joining us today, Senator Keneally. It's been a great chat, and thank you, you are now the first politician that we've interviewed in this federal election run-up that will be known as the decode series. Tune in this week, we are decoding the labor party as a whole. I know we did a bit of that in this interview, but we'll be going top to bottom, from the tree of knowledge to Balmain, and you know, further west to McGowan, as we also call him in the tutor advocate. Thank you for joining us. The Labor Party was founded in Balmain, I just need to get that in before you talk to me, Queenslanders.
Yeah, we'll agree to disagree on that one. Yeah. |
cracked | the_8_least_necessary_youtube_tributes_cracked_tv | Greetings, humans. I am Swaim, your simulated wit and automated infotainment machine. And welcome. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips from an old French movie. How ya doin' today, Clippy?
Oh well, she'll get over it. The computers that are my brain are telling me that today's topic is the eight least necessary YouTube tributes. You know, YouTube has given millions of people an opportunity to express themselves, be it through anime mixed music videos, daring, bold, original sketch comedy, or outright fraud. So what does that deal with kissing?
Liar! I loved you.
But what we're counting down today are those heartfelt tributes that might have been moving if they'd been for something a little more worthwhile. Like the grossest injuries of the WNBA. Tributes to things that, quite frankly, don't need tributes. Homages to crap, if you will. They're long, they're sad, and they look a little something like this. This stunning tribute to home improvement brings together a lot of the elements we're looking for.
Low view count, inexplicable five-star rating, and a minimum of effort. According to the video's uploader, they're not even sure who the song is by.
I get it. You love home improvement enough to make a YouTube tribute, but not enough to choose your own song. Like a suicide bomber running into a government building strapped with a pack of hot dogs. I like that. But you can't fool me.
Based on the number of slow pans and zooms in this tribute, I'm fairly sure we're looking at example of early Ken Burns. Way to go, Kenny. If you've ever wished that the intro to home improvement was 10 minutes long and made an iMovie, you're in luck. User Blue98StarWars has put together this little gem, complete with five versions of the opening theme. Yes, five groups recorded that song. There are so many photos of Tim Allen in this music video that if Tim were ever to get hit on the head with a power tool and lose his memory, wink wink, home improvement writers, he could just watch this tribute to catch up.
I didn't have any trouble. Okay, I promise, last home improvement video.
I just have to give this one kudos for pointing out something that I think we've all suspected. Richard Carnes has a huge dick. Tub thumping indeed. See?
This one is about Tim and Jill Taylor, TV's best couple, according to this person, whom I'd never want to meet under any circumstances. What this tribute may lack in reasons for its existence, it more than makes up for with its generous use of star wipes. Not to mention the Star Wars style opening which recaps the Taylor's relationship with all the grace and the plumb of an eight fingered cross state exam.
I'm sorry, you know what? I should have mentioned the uploader of this tribute warns to, quote, please take care that you are alone. It can be very embezzering when somebody sees you crying. Very sad, winking frowny face.
What a ridiculous. Let's roll some highlights. How about James Lipton being a dick? Or the oldest kid in a gay sailor suit.
Yeah, good man. Good man.
And if you're looking for someone to blame, look no further. Damn you, internet. Not again.
Now, I feel like this. Mission accomplished. Oh, this just in. Pedophiles, you might want to stick around because I think you're gonna like this.
This tribute's all about Mark, the youngest Taylor, and how he's got it rough. After all, he's on a shitty sitcom, and people film their television sets when he's on, and then edit clips together. But don't worry. According to the uploader, Disturbed Teen, Jesus, he, quote, does not own home improvement.
Good to know. Good honesty there. After all, if he did, Mark would have gone to school with an assault rifle long ago.
And no one understands you. Hey, how you doing, pedos? Because it's about to get a whole lot sweatier. All right, this is literally child pornography. I can see no audience for this other than pedophiles. You think I'm overreacting?
Imagine watching this at work and not worrying about your boss catching you. Hey, what are you watching there? Oh, um, just some stills of young boys put to music. Because, you know, I love comedy. Well, that does it for this episode, and admittedly we didn't cover a lot of ground, but still, I think it went pretty well. Don't you, Clippy? In fact, I think this episode deserves a tribute. And remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, just log on to the Cracked Forums and go to the special Cracked TV thread at http colon backslash backslash www.cracked.com backslash forums backslash Cracked TV backslash backslash ideas backslash forward slash question mark pound ampersand am sign money money money money forward slash money forward slash backslash looks like a baby's foot forward slash gives you I've been your host about Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out.
10 hours a day. The project says it all. So there's nothing to say old French movie.
How you doing today, Clippy? Oh, well, she'll get over it. The computers that are my brain are telling me that today's topic is the eight least necessary YouTube tributes. You know, YouTube has given millions of people an opportunity to express themselves, be it through anime mixed music videos, daring bold original sketch comedy, or outright fraud. So what is the deal with kissing?
Liar. I loved you.
But what we're counting down today are those heartfelt tributes that might have been moving if they'd been for something a little more worthwhile, like the grossest injuries of the WNBA. tributes to things that quite frankly don't need tributes. homage is to crap, if you will. They're long. They're sad. They look a little something like this.
This stunning tribute to home improvement brings together a lot of the elements we're looking for low view count, inexplicable five star rating, and a minimum of effort. According to the video's uploader, they're not even sure who the song is by. I get it. You love home improvement enough to make a YouTube tribute, but not enough to choose your own song, like a suicide bomber running into a government building strapped with a pack of hot dogs. I like that. But you can't fool me. Based on the number of slow pans and zooms in this tribute, I'm fairly sure we're looking at an example of early Ken Burns. Way to go, Kenny. If you've ever wished that the intro to home improvement was 10 minutes long and made an iMovie, you're in luck. User Blue98StarWars has put together this little gem, complete with five versions of the opening theme. Yes, five groups recorded that song. There are so many photos of Tim Allen in this music video that if Tim were ever to get hit on the head with a power tool and lose his memory, wink wink home improvement writers, he could just watch this tribute to catch up.
I didn't have any trouble. Okay, I promise, last home improvement video.
I just have to give this one kudos for pointing out something that I think we've all suspected. Richard Carnes has a huge dick. Tub thumping, indeed. See? This one is about Tim and Jill Taylor, TV's best couple, according to this person, whom I'd never want to meet under any circumstances. What this tribute may lack in reasons for its existence, it more than makes up for with its generous use of star wipes. Not to mention the Star Wars-style opening, which recaps the Taylor's relationship with all the grace and the plumb of an eight-fingered prostate exam.
I'm sorry, you know what? I should have mentioned the uploader of this tribute warns to, quote, please take care that you are alone. It can be very embezzering when somebody sees you crying. Very sad, winking frowny face.
What a ridiculous... Let's roll some highlights. How about James Lipton being a dick?
So he's every dead male in my life. I love every minute of that. And he got to be a dead male. Or the oldest kid in a gay sailor suit.
Yeah, good man. Good man.
And if you're looking for someone to blame, look no further. Damn you, internet! Not again!
Now, I feel like this. Mm. Mission accomplished. Oh, this just in. Pedophiles, you might want to stick around because I think you're gonna like this.
This tribute's all about Mark, the youngest tailor, and how he's got it rough. After all, he's on a shitty sitcom and people film their television sets when he's on and then edit clips together. But don't worry, according to the uploader, Disturbed Teen, Jesus, he, quote, does not own home improvement.
Good to know. Good honesty there. After all, if he did, Mark would have gone to school with an assault rifle long ago.
Hey, how you doing, pedos? Because it's about to get a whole lot sweatier. Alright, this is literally child pornography. I can see no audience for this other than pedophiles. You think I'm overreacting?
Imagine watching this at work and not worrying about your boss catching you. Hey, what are you watching there? Oh, um, just some stills of young boys put to music.
Because, you know, I love comedy. Well, that does it for this episode, and admittedly we didn't cover a lot of ground, but still, I think it went pretty well. Don't you, Clippy? In fact, I think this episode deserves a tribute. And remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, just log on to the Cracked Forums and go to the special CrackedTV thread at http colon backslash backslash www.cracked.com backslash forums backslash CrackedTV backslash backslash ideas backslash forward slash question mark pound ampersand am sign money money money money forward slash money forward slash backslash looks like a baby's foot forward slash gives you i've been your host about michael swain allow me to play you out seven categories the case goods class now we're in vegas man what a blast working so hard ten hours a day the project is it all so there's nothing to say |
TheOnion | Martin_Luther_King_Bust_First_Thing_To_Go_Romney_Advisor_Quietly_Thinking | The Martin Luther King bust will be the first thing to go, a Romney advisor quietly thinks to himself. The man who cut off Seymour Hersh in traffic is subject to a 20-page New Yorker expose, and scientists say the U.S. may have discovered a previously unknown level of not caring about Syria. Once again you see it approaching from the distance, sun-soaked, glistening with the uninhibited splendor of youth. This is the Onion Week in Review. Top commander of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, General John R. Allen, admitted to Reporters Monday he has no idea how the war is going, noting that it isn't really part of his day-to-day anymore. The four-star Marine Corps general, who commands more than 130,000 coalition troops and has full oversight of the combat mission in Afghanistan, claimed that he really considers himself more of a consultant at this point, and said that if anyone has any specific questions about current tactics or casualty figures, they should, quote, just go ask the president because he'll know. As far as I know, we're still slowly making progress with our counterinsurgency efforts against Taliban, but to be honest, I don't really keep up with that stuff anymore. I hear things about ongoing operations here and there, but for the most part, I'm pretty checked out of this one.
A study published Monday by the Annals of Internal Medicine finds that Americans need six hours of uninterrupted sleep at work in order to leave the office feeling refreshed and alert. Leading endocrinologists told reporters that more and more people are pulling all dares and drinking coffee just to keep themselves awake for meetings and conference calls, and that in order to be properly rested, employees should arrive at work, check their email for a few hours, and be sound asleep by 11.30 a.m. at the very latest. In order for the body to properly function, adults need to make sure that they're well rested and they're not staying up too late at work.
The Lord our God, divine creator and ruler of the universe, announced Wednesday that he does not consider human beings his most impressive creation, saying instead that mountains are categorically superior in every way. Claiming that mankind was a good creation and worthy of praise, the deity explained that human beings simply pale in comparison to the slopes, valleys, and sheer magnitude of a snow-capped 20,000-foot mountain, and that while all humans eventually grow old and die, mountains last forever.
In this week's election coverage, Michelle Obama powers through another day of doing half-assed jumping jacks in a middle school gym. In other news, an idiot from high school now has a job where he has clients, a fan prefers Tarantino's early work when he was shelving movies all day in a video store, and the latest findings show that every single Penn State student and alumnus also knew about the child abuse happening there. You can stay tuned after this is over for a short survey on the performance of this web video, but honestly, we don't really give a damn what you think. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | pacman_ghosts_discuss_tv | Oh god, he's really going to town out there. Oh, he's so annoying.
I am in no mood today.
Do we really have to go in there and chase him? No, no, no. Why don't we just stay in here all day, we'll chill, and let him tire himself out, then we can murder him in his sleep. I don't think that guy sleeps, especially when he eats those crystal meth balls in the corners. Well, we can't stay in here all day, you know, I'm gonna go after him. Go get him, Jack Bauer.
Oh, did you hear 24 got cancelled? I know, that blows, man, and of an era, really. Totally. You watched it last night, though, right? That was awesome.
No, no, no, no, I didn't watch it. I t-voted, don't tell me. Oh, sorry, it was a good one. You saw it, though, right, Clyde? No, I never seen 24.
What? You've never seen- You've never seen- You've never seen- Jack Bauer? You know what I mean?
It's not as good as you used to be. Yeah, I heard it was good. I just didn't watch the first season, and I missed the boat from there.
Ah, I thought I had him trapped, but that asshole saved one of his big meth balls. I hate when he does that.
Yo, Blinky, Clyde's never watched 24.
What? Yeah. Are you serious?
You heard it got cancelled. Yeah, I don't even want to talk about that right now. Seriously, though, Clyde, you are missing out, man. Netflix that sh-t.
Yeah, okay. Can we just not make a big deal out of it? But you watch Lost, right? I've watched like two episodes. It's okay. Two episodes? Oh, hey! What are you talking about? It's like Gilligan's Island, but a mystery. Whatever.
I really only watched Private Practice, and that's it. Private?
Are you a girl? Do you just play Russian Roulette with a remote? What's wrong with you?
Shut up! I like it.
What about It's Always Sunny? Arrested Development? The Original Office?
Dexter? Curb? The Wire? Anything?
I don't know. Look, if it's not the same time as Big Bang Theory, I haven't seen it. Big Bang? Really? I don't even know what channel it is.
Shut up, dude. Shut up.
Why do you guys care? Why do you guys care what I watch? Why don't you just let me watch what shows I want to watch and back off? Hey, what the hell is going on? You guys going to chase me or what?
Private Practice starts in like 15 minutes. Ooh, you watch Private Practice too?
No. Hey, why don't you come over later and we can watch old episodes of Jag while we compare songs on our Zunes?
You know what show is cheesy, but I love Burn Notice? Ooh, Burn Notice. Burn Notice.
Yeah. When I was looking after Lucas, the nanny is meeting me here any minute. Now, come on. What is up? Okay, that's it. I can't take this. I'm out of here. Ooh, come on. Royal Penn's on next. Wait, what are you... Oh, damn it. |
SaturdayNightLive | vinny_talks_to_john_saturday_night_live | It's time for a ride-away. And so, let's go to the television show with Vinny Vedeci. Thanks and thanks! it's time to go to the television show with me, Vinny Vedeci! Vinny Vedeci is a nice guy. he's Italian. he's Italian. he's Italian. he's in the line of fire. Rounders. he'll be changeline. considerate.
Hey! listen. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. if you go to the television show, it doesn't matter. it says you're unt lots. in American terms. um-hmm, I'm sorry. I don't. I hope it's not a problem.
I don't speak Italian. the truth is, I don't speak Italian, car subscribe! And now they understand that people are Italian, But then people read. it's just because they're Italian. Please. I'm sorry. he says that you told him you could speak Italian. No, that's patently untrue. What is he saying? what is he saying?
Scuco! perfavorre! Senorre! it's all yours! Perfavorre, Senorre!
He just say that he loved you in Cannes Air. Oh, thank you. Scuco, it's all over the city! it is what he's saying. that's very nice. I'm sorry I lost my temper.
I don't sound anything like that. No, no, you sound exactly like this. No, I don't. Yes, yes, you do. Oh, yes, yes. the Bande Verando, the Bande Verando, doesn't he sound like this? yes.
In Italy, there is similar film called Bean Vinny Vadeci. Really? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. row clip. row clip. row clip.
And Bean Vinny Vadeci. Hey, what do you think? Uh, I think it's Pornography.
Oh. oh. don't yell at me in Italian. you know what? there's a word in my language for your behavior. the word is rude. You know what? there's a word in my language for your behavior. the word is rude.
No, no, no. no, no, no. no, no, no. that is A. that is a sex movie. Oh, wait, wait. excuse me. excuse me. a sex movie? Yes. pornography is sex movie? Yes.
Gracie. Gracie. being venevedeci is pornography.
Twenty hours! Eight discs. Papa!
Oh, this is my little boy.
I promised him he could ask a question about movies. Oh. como Riposto de la Facie. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask him in English. English. Go, go, go to him. go to Him. |
dropout | donald_trump_show_us_your_penis | Hello, America. This is a clip from last night's Republican debate.
He referred to my hands if they're small, something else must be small.
I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee it.
We know how much you care about transparency. You've demanded Obama's birth certificate and Hillary's emails. We need to know if you're telling the truth.
Believe us, we don't want to think about your dick. We don't want to imagine that it's the same orange leather as the rest of your body. Or if the carpet matches the horrible combed over drapes. Or if your scrotum sags like your jowly face.
But you brought it up. You promised the American people your dick was great. So now it's time to put up or shut up. Put your dick where your mouth is.
Show us your penis.
You said, referring to your genitals, I guarantee you there's no problem. We want to believe you, but PolitiFact has listed 78% of your statements as some degree of false. Which means there's likely not no problem. There's likely problem.
Maybe it's wider than it is long, like a tuna can. Or just a fat ball that sits on top of your testicles, like BB-8. Or really thick at the base, but skinny at the tip like a penguin wing.
The point is, we don't know. Some people believe it secretly leans a little left.
All we're asking is that you release a picture showing your face, a deck of cards per scale, and of course, your Donald. Or that you release official measurements and a detailed description by an unbiased government authority.
Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy.
If it's so impressive, then you've got nothing to hide. Why not show us your wing? We know you're not modest. You just talked about your dick, unprompted. On national television. As proof that you deserve to be president of the United States? That's the least modest thing in the history of civilization. And this isn't a partisan thing. I promise you, if Hillary Clinton said, I have an enormous penis, we would all want to see proof of that outrageous claim. We're just holding you to the same standard. And if you hadn't said anything, we wouldn't care if your penis has problems.
Obviously. I mean, we'd have to be lunatics to bring up dick sizes as a qualification for office. I mean, who would do that?
We wouldn't care if the foreskin were so long that the whole thing looks like an okra pod. Or if it's skinny, hairy, and bent like a tarantula leg. If you have a little acorn of a wiener, that would have been fine.
But you promised America more. The measure of a man is not in his schlong, but in his integrity. And we can only see how honest you are if we see your junk. And if you're still not convinced, we have a deal for you. We will donate $4 million to the charity of your choice if you release a picture of your dick showing objectively that it has no problems. I think you'll love this deal. It's basically the same one you offered Obama for his academic records. So please, Mr. Trump, don't let your dick pics be as unreleased as your tax returns. Prove that you're not exaggerating the size of all your assets. Answer the call of the American people.
Also Ted Cruz, did you just eat a booger? What the fuck was that? |
cracked | 8_reasons_advertising_doesn_t_work_anymore | Advertising. It's the second-oldest profession. And anyone in advertising with any sense of perspective stress drinks like Freddie Rumsen these days. Because as much as advertising's up in your face and as much as you complain about that, you don't realize the truth. You don't realize you're kicking advertising's ass like never before. And why would you do that, you big meanie? Advertising is about happiness. Don't you like happiness?
Sure, it's also about a direct assault on every human being possible. It always has been.
Outdoor ads for runaway slaves in ancient Egypt. Campaign ad graffiti at Pompeii. Chinese people using bamboo flutes to sell candy 3,000 years ago, they all operate on the same basic pitches advertisers use today. Using either a hard or soft sell, McLaughlining you right in the heartstrings and appealing to the same two forward-looking emotions -- fear and hope -- that have driven dramatic storytelling since before Bill Shakespeare. And you know ad men put product every place they can. One of them put product in front of you before you saw this.
But you may not know the internet you're using right now is stalking you with Pete Campbellian Kripa 2. One Atlantic writer measured that, and in a 36-hour period, his movements were tracked by 105 different ad companies. And he's a web-savvy Ginsburg type. The trashy lyrics and browser game websites joe at aol.com wanders into probably invites so much illicit tracking, somebody in Russia can guess his fingerprint, hat size, and favorite tattoo song. Which is all of them.
Yes, advertising's as American as apple pie. Or baseball. Or endless proxy war, which describes the advertising process perfectly. Because this is a two-sided conflict, and every time you face a banner ad for a browser game starring chesty medieval pinups, that's a sign you, m'lord, are driving every ad man in existence to drink. More ice! You've consumed so much advertising already, new ads have to entertain you as well as content does to move the needle. That's why the Super Bowl's commercial breaks are now auditions for a nightmarish flavor dust SNL. And that advertiser's struggle isn't new.
By the time real-life Don Draper finished busting a whiskey-addled nut in excitement about Think Small, or It's Toasted, the viewing public consumed that ad, got bored of that ad, and left Don working another long-ass-the-suitcase night, trying to make a 30-second piece of content that's cooler than the Twilight Zone and funnier than Dick Van Dyke, even though it has to star shampoo bottles. Over time, that cycle got quicker. Then the internet kicked it up to f**k you DSL speed so every occasional actually clever idea got oversaturated and imitated, so the company realized they spent millions promoting funny deodorant stud that can't hold onto those fans because they didn't do the even harder alchemy of leveraging meme into money. Maybe they even wasted a huge social media opportunity and only put out 23 tweets during that entire campaign. A tweet quote of any of those execs' own kids crushes in a lunch period. The ultimate iteration of ad originality's death race comes from the dawn of the internet. The very first banner ad came out in 1994 and had a click-through rate or CTR of 44%.
It was new. It was exciting.
It was as sexy as that Mad Men lady, who they throw in Mad Men's commercials too because hot damn lip-bite wolf whistle jaw-dry. But today, that CTR number on banner ads is 007, as in 0.07%. And remember, that's in spite of a hundred company legion of doom monitoring our browsing habits and serving up ads to fit them. Today, the one sexy banner ad isn't even old lady hot anymore. And I say that with the utmost respect for Miss Blankenship. Because if an ad's not delivering happiness through pretty girls or fresh ideas or shiny new tech, you skip it like a fourth grader in the 90s, and you have more ways to skip it than ever before.
If you can afford cable, you can afford DVR, TV's lovely f**k you to what's left of the world's oglevies. Or you can cut that cord and get the only shows you ever watch anyhow ad-free. Or just pirate TV and movies, right? No ads there, except for some porn and MacKeeper pop-ups, which are too smutty and deep web to keep any legitimate ad-exec and cob salads. Even if you obey the man and watch ads, the system measuring you is buggy as hell, the method depends on a tiny viewing sample measured by outmoded people meters, everyone agrees it doesn't work, and it's only still a thing because there's money in pretending this is 1955.
And are you a human being? Which is to say, do you like song?
Well ad-supported music is either too antique to survive or has to price itself so cheaply it's going out of business, even though it's exploiting its artists with cybernetic abandon. Or if you listen to podcasts, Apple owns 89% of that market and their app's skip 15 seconds button kills any ad for many of the only four companies that sponsor all podcasting for some reason. Plus print is dead or dying, billboards kill property values, and their marketing impact is fuzzy.
Mobile ads are the pop-upiest pop-ups in the history of, I don't want to say pop-ups again, but pop-ups, if you go in the opposite direction with something beyond subtle like product placement, it'll put your product in front of people, but is there any call to action? Or does the viewer see it and think, yes, products exist? Even the newest ad trick is already obsolete, it's native advertising which can totally bring your reader to a sponsor's product, like one time. And from then on, those readers know you trick them and will get their content elsewhere. Unless they never cared about content quality in the first place, because if people want bad content, great content, or Schmidtman brand baloney, they will get it. They've always been able to, and they have more options than ever before. That means the viewing audience keeps scurrying into tinier and tinier niches, splintering marketer reach and letting fans enjoy few or zero ads, as they have their fun and their tasty Schmidtman brand baloney. And if those ads do reach the viewer, they don't leave a real impression, they can't disguise their craftiness, they lack the smooth, moist tang of Schmidtman brand balon- Okay, okay.
This is not a branded video anymore. I don't want to pimp it and I own the company, okay. Did you know we- did you know we can't call it a meat? Or a solid?
Look, viewer. Listen, listener. The world's changed. And you won!
There's more ads on more platforms than ever, yet they just slide off you like you're made of Teflon, a product no one knows how to sell you anymore. So next time Budweiser snapchats you an instant pin, remember it just shows they're desperate, you're a genius, and that you've probably even got the smarts to run your own business if you- Yeah. Yeah, well it already- it already says it's a quasi-meat on the package, so.
No, no, they can't- they can't make us change- they can't make us change the packaging. They can't- we printed a s*** ton of that. We can't- I did not get into the balona business to sell Balonish.
It's a thumb up, or like an A-OK, or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
dropout | hardly_working_bomb | Ah! Hurry up, Sarah! There's another explosives wired to that chair to turn everyone to this building into bologna! Okay, I know Patrick, I'm trying! We're running out of time! Sarah, Pat's right.
I'm already dead. There's only one thing left to do. Jeff, no. Give up on escaping the building and prepare to die with me. What? I don't want to die alone. Okay, well, there's still some time, so we should at least try and get up.
No! I don't want you to try! If I have to die here, I want us to all explode together. Uh, I don't think that that's the best option that we have. Damn it, Sarah! It's too late for me! Which means it's also too late for you and Pat! Listen, Jeff, you know, if it were up to us, we would definitely stay here and die together. No! I just feel like if we left now, we'd be able to evacuate the elementary school next door. No. It's probably already too late for them, too.
Yeah, but still. There! Okay, Jeff, how about we give you one last request? Wow. A last request?
Well, I haven't seen them in forever, so if you could track down my parents...
Consider it dead.
And tell them to get down here, too. I want them to explode with me. Okay, Jeff. Pat and I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait! There's a million dollars buried somewhere in this room! What? Where? The place where the million dollars...
Okay, we know you're stalling, so we explode with you. You got me.
I guess I really am gonna die alone. Ooh. It just hit me. Wow. I guess all that's left to do is compose myself so I go out with some dignity. I can't believe I...
Go, go, go, go! Wait for me! |
dropout | your_rich_friend_who_travels_all_the_time_hardly_working | That's peek-a-boo in Japanese. Hi. How are you? Mwah. This is my friend Jenna. Como estas?
It leaves you speechless, then makes you a storyteller. Wow. Tell us a story.
I took a picture with a donkey in Puerto Vallarta. So what's your job? Professional nomad. Student of light. I got that from your Instagram.
I think she means what do you do that you can afford to travel so much? How can you afford not to? Travel is the one thing you buy that makes you richer.
Her dad invented YouTube. Oh, okay. Seriously, everyone should travel.
I don't think I can. I have so many student loans. I'm poor.
So is I. Then I traveled. My boss says I can have two days off every week for my weekend. Uh, where should I go? Uh, you have to go to Bali. Tickets are $1,500 and 25 hours each way.
The world is a book. And those who do not travel read but a page. You're right.
I booked it. Yeah, I wish I could travel more, you know, but I only get 10 days vacation and I'm already going to three weddings this year.
How do you let a man in a suit tell you when you get to be naked in the sun? Health insurance.
Okay, so I'll be in Bali for six hours. If you're in Bali, you have to swing by Bangkok.
I mean, it's such a vibrant culture. It'd be irresponsible not to. There's a five hour flight for $200 on an airline where I think one of their planes recently disappeared. Live bold. Explore. Dream. Oh, I booked it again. Murph.
Don't listen to her. She isn't enlightened. She's just rich.
Good experience from traveling. Okay, and money. Look, traveling is not a necessity and I'm happy you get to do it, but please don't make us feel bad if we can't. Wow. I feel like I really lost myself. But there's one place I always know I can find myself. Travel. Guess it's time for me to hop on a first class flight to Madagascar and stay in this palace I found on Airbnb. You know what they say.
Take only memories. Leave only footprints.
Why are you friends with her? She always brings me Turkish delight. Why did she get on her roof? |
dropout | yay_or_nay_can_an_office_romance_work | I don't think office affairs are what they used to be, because co-workers are so passive aggressive now, it just takes all the fun out of it. They're just like, hey, you're gonna hate me, but I'm gonna need you to stick around and spearhead me by EOD, thanks. Office dating is a lot like Stockholm Syndrome. You're trapped in an enclosed area, you're desperate for human contact, and you're forming attachments to the very people who are holding you captive. Well, I am in a long-term relationship with someone at work.
Coffee? Seriously, I'm fucking this cup of coffee.
If you're looking to meet somebody at work, go to your next team-building event and find the person who's having the absolute worst time. That's the person you want to date. They're a human. You never want to hook up with someone who's in the computer world, because they are nerds. They're all four-eyed, scrawny, pale, mostly very semitic features. Someone that you just don't... You're describing yourself. No, I'm describing a chick. Give me a B. L is for the way you look at your computer with those dead eyes.
Office relationships can work. I mean, offices and relationships have so much in common already. Competition, fear of being thrown aside at any moment, strict hierarchy of rules, money that you give someone for services, really all the things that make a relationship work. Look, fellas, we all know offices are full of hotties, but it's not the most effective place to pick up girls. It's hard to make a lady feel special while she's heating up leftovers in the break room. The great thing about an office relationship, you can tell all the really boring stories about your job, and the person you're dating is also interested in them.
They know who Kevin is.
No way, man. You never shit where you eat. Well, unless you have like a little toilet near the table, you just go in that. It's not like you're shiting in the food. I mean, yeah. Yeah, no, that expression's stupid. Go ahead and nail that girl and it counts receivable. |
TheOnion | New_App_Lets_You_Work_For_Your_Company_Even_While_You_Sleep | For those hoping to get ahead of the work week, look no further than Overtime Plus, a new app that lets you work for your company even while you sleep. The app from Houston developer Creative Mode keeps you trapped in a constant half awake, half dream state where your thoughts are never far from the drudgeries of the work week. Falling asleep is the most opportune time to dwell on your job and think about how you could be doing it better. Our app makes sure that the time that you'd normally waste on recuperation is spent towards more productive tasks, like planning your response to why your project's $10,000 over budget. By simply laying your phone on your mattress, the app's accelerometers are able to measure your movements throughout the night, so it knows when you're close to falling into a deep sleep and losing focus of the crushing work demands ahead of you. When restful sleep is detected, the app dips into your personalized work tasks to generate a subliminal signal, like the date of an important deadline or keywords from the most damning portion of your last job review to jostle you back into a state of productive, semi-awake agitation. I was close to falling asleep last night, then my app started whispering my boss's name over and over again until I was awake and answered work emails at 3 in the morning. Last night it made me dream that I was locked in the office until I could find the most optimal way to catalog the company's new server. I still haven't figured it out. The app doesn't just keep you mentally shackled to your day job, but also serves as an alarm clock by repeatedly shouting, you're late for work until you're jolted out of bed in a panic each morning. Later in the hour, we'll see how long it takes me to vomit while wearing the new VR headset from Oculus Rift. |
cracked | the_entire_president_donald_trump_russia_story_so_far_some_news | Hi, I'm a news person, and here's some news. The President of the United States' son, Donald Trump Jr., which makes the President Donald Trump, it's true, I looked it up, and his son tweeted emails between himself and a real character named Rob Goldstone. The emails contain the sentence, this is obviously very high level and sensitive information, but it's part of Russia and its government support for Mr. Trump, helped along by Aras and Emin. Now, the two Russian gentlemen mentioned our father and son, like the President and his son, and they're both wealthy real estate moguls who put their sons in charge of stuff. The Trumps and the Yagalarovs also have a relationship due to real estate deals and the Miss Universe pageant, and we'll hopefully get to them later. They're merely mentioned as being a part of the Russian government's support for Mr. Trump, current President. The email sets up a meeting with a Russian lawyer to discuss incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, who is not the President. Donald Trump Jr. defended this email chain on Sean Hannity, world famous tough interviewer of the President and his family, when he said, someone sends me an email, I can't help what somebody sends me.
That's pretty flimsy, do we have a clip? I didn't know there was any credibility, I didn't know if there was anything behind it, I can't vouch for the information. Someone sent me an email. I can't help what someone sends me. Ew. But I'm sure the interview went on, as Hannity points out, but also you responded to the email several times, planned and participated in a phone call via those emails, forwarded those emails to Jared Kushner and then Trump campaign manager, Paul Manafort, who I also hope we get to later, and participated in an in-person meeting under the pretense of getting damaging information from the Russian government, which explicitly supports the election of Donald Trump. President, do we have a clip of that? Dang.
Okay, then maybe we should just back up, because this has been an ongoing story and there's a lot of hysteria surrounding it, as well as a lot of blind denial of the existence of anything here at all. And we try to not only talk about Donald Trump on this show, we want to be fair and balanced, but to be fair, he loves when people talk about him and to be balanced, he's the president. So this week, it's all Russia, baby! But like I said, let's back up. This is a complex story and it's ongoing and it's hard to see the whole puzzle, because there are so many pieces and some of it might be meaningless and some of it is probably meaningful, so you put everything in it and it's this soup of delicious spices and vegetables and racks and twigs that nobody wants, because it's a mixed metaphor of puzzles and soup. What is that? But we're gonna try really hard to cram as much about this into the short amount of time that we have together. I love our time together. So for the third time, let's back up and look at a timeline.
June 14th, 1946, Donald Trump is born. That is too early. Let's jump to the general time period of the 1970s to the 2010s, in which Donald Trump developed a long, well-documented history of being fined for crimes.
Please say we have a Star Wars crawl for that. But those aren't explicitly Russia-related. They're just well-documented shady business practices and taking advantage of people and charities for personal gain. Let's get specific.
Like Donald Trump Jr. in 2008 saying, Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets. We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia, end of quote. But that's just one son in one speech. It's not like there are numerous reports indicating the Trump organization received substantial financial help from Russia in the 90s and during the Great Recession because U.S. banks refused to loan Trump money, except of course it's like that. Then there's this story from 2014 that describes Eric Trump, the other son, saying, quote, well, we don't rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia, end of quote. There's the Reuters report that 63 Russian billionaires have invested nearly 100 million dollars into several Florida Trump properties. There's also Trump's ongoing relationship with Felix Sater, a real estate developer and actual Russian mobster who literally lived in Trump Tower and worked with him on four different projects, a few of which went under.
I wonder why. What's money laundering? I don't know. To be clear, though, none of this is incriminating outright.
If you ask Trump's old campaign manager, Paul Manafort, about Trump's relationship with Russia, he'll say this. Also, to be clear, Mr. Trump has no financial relationships with any Russian oligarchs.
That's what he said. That's what I said. That's obviously what our position is. Hey, good try. Or what did Donald Trump and the White House continually have to say about it all?
I have nothing to do with Russia. Trump has no business in Russia.
But if he doesn't, then why does he? And if he does, why deny it?
That is suspicious. His behavior in regards to Russia, if none of it is true, is suspicious. But suspicions don't mean anything. It's like that old phrase, if suspicions were verifiable, people would go on trial for them.
So let's forget Russia for a second and travel to 2013, when the father and son mentioned Don Jr.'s email, convinced Don Sr. to bring Miss Universe to Moscow, Russia. Damn, that didn't take long. But here they are and Rob Goldstone with Trump. And again, and again. Okay, so when Goldstone in his email to the president's son says this, quote, is part of Russia and its government support for Mr. Trump, helped along by Arson Emmon, it's important to note that Arson Emmon definitely have a relationship with the president. Here he is tweeting at and about them, as well as the possibility of Trump Tower Moscow, as well as a recent report that in 2013 and 2014, the Trump Organization and Arson's company were definitely developing Trump Tower Moscow. Don Jr. was in charge. Ivanka scouted locations with Emmon in Moscow in 2014, a couple of years before.
I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia, folks, okay? I have nothing to do with Russia.
Just don't lie about it and we'll be less suspicious of you.
Anyway, the other person involved in this meeting with the president's son was Natalia Vyslnitskaya, a Russian lawyer who represents a lot of Russian state-owned businesses. She's been a longtime advocate against the 2012 Magnitsky Act, which, damn, gotta go back to 2012. 2012, please! The Magnitsky Act was a reaction to a 2009 event with... All right, 2009! Okay, so in 2009, lawyer Sergei Magnitsky had accused Moscow law enforcement of stealing $230 million in tax rebates from his client.
He was beaten to death in jail, which is something Putin's government is super into and I hope we have time to get into that. So in response to this, the U.S. passed the Magnitsky Act, which imposed sanctions on the people involved. Putin hated this and banned adoptions by Americans. Putin hates a lot of stuff. When he was elected president, he shut down newspapers and put in place his own media and propaganda outlets. He has a history of threatening those who oppose him and in some cases, killing them or jailing them, sometimes both, like that case we just talked about. When journalists and activists started posting and cremating information on LiveJournal, Putin launched a campaign of bots and paid trolls to post negative comments and boost misinformation, which sounds familiar in some recent kind of way. And then he ended up buying LiveJournal because it was one of the places Russians were getting true information about him and his government. It's important to avoid unreasonable Russia hysteria, but the guy's a liar.
In Trump's two-hour closed-door meeting with him, Trump asked Putin if he meddled in our election and Putin said no, so Trump's like, see, he said no. Okay, fucking idiot. Sorry, this started out about Donald Trump Jr.'s emails, right? Okay, so let's flash forward a little bit more to when Donald Trump's campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was fired after being accused of assaulting a journalist. In his place in March of 2016, the Trump campaign hired a man named Paul Manafort, and I guess it's time to do a segment on him called, fucking, Paul Manafort.
Mal Santa Fort, love it.
So Paul Manafort has received millions and millions of dollars from the Ukrainian and Russian government. He helped get a pro-Putin president elected in Ukraine. Records recently obtained by the Associated Press indicate that Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska paid Manafort $10 million a year to lobby for Putin-friendly oligarchs in Ukraine and pro-Russian governments in Georgia, Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan, and to undermine anti-Russian sentiment using front groups and media.
A memo written by Paul Manafort in 2005 reads, quote, we are now of the belief that this model can greatly benefit the Putin government if employed at the correct levels with the appropriate commitment to success, end of quote. Written by Paul Manafort, campaign manager for the Trump campaign. He goes on to describe the effort, which, quote, again, will be offering a great service that can refocus both internally and externally the policies of the Putin government, end quote, again. Now let's pause for a minute. Oh, sorry, I just wanted to think a little more about the fact that Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort literally wrote the sentence, we are now of the belief that this model can greatly benefit the Putin government if employed at the correct levels with the appropriate commitment to success, which will be offering a great service that can refocus both internally and externally the policies of the Putin government.
And I guess nobody cares, so moving on. This has been Paul Manafort and Paul Santa Fort. Flash forward a couple months to Paul Manafort and current Attorney General Jeff Sessions having some undisclosed meetings with Russian Ambassador Kislyak at the Republican National Convention. Right before the Trump campaign behind closed doors altered the Republican platform to no longer include support of Ukraine in its conflict with Putin and Russia. But again, whatever, who cares?
Now let's flash to Donald Jr. getting an email from people he knows about other people he knows, offering incriminating information about Hillary Clinton as, quote, part of Russia and its government support for Mr. Trump. Donny J. forged this email to Jared Kushner, husband of the President's crush, and real estate kid in charge of solving all of these problems. And he also forwarded it to Paul Manafort, Trump campaign manager and well-documented Russian stooge. And so they scheduled a meeting and then Donald Trump announced on television that he would have a big press conference about Hillary Clinton and all of her crimes and emails. And then the meeting happened and according to Donald Jr. there was no substance. And then less than an hour after the meeting, Donald Trump Sr. tweeted about Hillary Clinton's emails but also Don Jr. casually mentioned that all they mostly talked about was adoption related to the Magnitsky Act, something Putin hates. And that's, that's more or less the story of Dumb Jr. tweeting his emails. So I guess we should just breeze past instances of Trump surrogates like Rudy Giuliani and Roger Stone predicting the dump of DNC emails via WikiLeaks before it happened. And let's quickly flash forward to Trump firing the man in charge of investigating him for colluding with Russia literally the day before meeting with the Russian ambassador behind closed doors with no media present at their request of Vladimir Putin. And let's flash forward more to just a month ago when Jeff Sessions and the Department of Justice quietly dismissed a money laundering case involving the Kacov family, a client of Natalia Vyselnytskaya who was involved in the tax fraud scheme that led to the death of Sergei Magnitsky. And to really take it full circle, let's flash backward to the day after the 2016 election when Rob Goldstone who set up this meeting with Paul Manafort posted this on Instagram.
Maybe Donald Trump Jr. is only a fucking idiot. Maybe we're being trolled by demons, I don't know. Maybe Trump didn't know he was being influenced by Russia and Putin and Paul Manafort despite having a history of denying his well-documented ties to Russia. Like maybe the investigation will conclude and Trump will realize, oh no, it colluded.
But you can't deny key components of this. Even if some of it can be explained away, some of it's circumstantial, all of it can't and all of it isn't. And I had to leave a lot of it out.
There's something here. For a long time, the Trumps and Hannitys and Breitbarts denied collusion. And we're seeing them shift to the position that collusion is simply okay. Some people are even blaming the deep state for all of this alleging that this is all an Obama conspiracy and Natalia and the Galarovs are plants who set up Don Jr. which would mean there was a massive conspiracy by the Obama administration to plant people to help get Trump elected so that he may then use those people to remove Trump from office. Great plan. For people who deep throat conspiracy theories for a living, it's bizarre that they're so uninterested when one like this flops directly into their mouth. It's so obvious. I mean, Donald Trump's campaign manager wrote that quote, we are now of the belief that this model can greatly benefit the Putin government if employed at the correct levels with the appropriate commitment to success which will be offering a great service that can refocus both internally and externally the policies of the Putin government.
Shouldn't that be enough? Well, respectfully disagree. But at least nothing will come of this, probably. So end of episode, call your congressperson about this sh** care bill.
And that's it. |
TheOnion | Obama_Scales_Back_Goals_For_America_After_Visiting_Denny_s | President Obama announced today he will drastically scale back his agenda for America after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in Manassas, Virginia caused him to, quote, completely reconsider what our nation is capable of achieving. In a press conference this afternoon, the president said, quote, what I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I have overestimated the American people. Before we reclaim global leadership, we must first stop eating six sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house in sweatpants. For more, let's go to Onion News Network Washington correspondent, Jane Carmichael, who was traveling with the president this morning. Thanks, Andrea. The president stopped by the Denny's for breakfast en route to a speaking engagement and spent about 35 minutes inside. When he came out, he looked visibly shaken. I spoke to several Denny's customers and employees who witnessed the president's visit.
Well, I told him I had no job, and he asked where I've been looking for one. And I was like, what do I want to work for? He said something to me about some colleges, something for my kids, but I can barely hear him with this little bitch crying his head off.
They microwaved his food until it was hot all the way through, because, you know, he's the president. Several people noted that Obama looked, quote, real uneasy throughout much of the meal, particularly when he saw a drunk man who was sleeping in a nearby booth sit up and vomit on his chocolate chip pancakes and immediately go back to sleep.
Thanks, Jane. And we have White House deputy press secretary Todd Grant joining us right now.
Mr. Grant, give us a sense of how big these post Denny's policy changes will be. Well, Andrea, the president was deeply unsettled by his experience at Denny's. So it's safe to say the changes will be sweeping. They're all laid out in his new realistic hope for America. And it basically replaces the president's previous agenda with goals he now thinks are more within the grasp of the American public, such as not slapping your children in public, not calling your waitress a cunt and not smoking while eating your moons over my hammy. Now, surely he's going to face strong criticism for abandoning his previous plans, for example, on the environment. I was with the president when he went inside the Denny's.
Those plans were never going to happen. Really?
The president hasn't abandoned his principles. It's true that he's no longer calling for one million hybrid cars by 2015. Right, I can see that. But he is calling on Americans to think about walking to the liquor store down the block instead of driving. We believe America can do it. Right. And we're also encouraging Americans to quit meth and stop getting Tweety Bird tattoos. So big picture, Mr. Grant. What does this mean for the long-term goals of the Obama presidency? Well, it's certainly not to make America a world leader in anything anymore. Interesting. But we hope to inspire all of America to band together and make our nation a little bit less of an embarrassing, disgusting shithole. OK. Well, that makes sense.
Mr. Grant, thank you so much for being with us. Thanks, Andrea.
Moving on, a study shows that by 2025, American children will be too obese to ride hoverboards. |
dropout | what_will_kevin_do_for_ricky_s_money_yes_edition | Welcome to another edition of Kevin Makes His Parents Proud. Sorry, what will Kevin do for money?
We left this month's challenge up to you, our users, and you guys did not disappoint. We couldn't even choose just one thing, so we chose five. The best part about this month is that Kevin has no idea what any of his challenges are, and he can't say no to them.
First up is cornrows. I love Kevin's hair, until I saw it get cornrowed like that. It hurts a lot more than I expected it would. I'm trying to decide whether he looks like Jared Leto in Panic Room or Axl Rose, or some horrible combination of both.
So you're all done. All done.
How does your head feel? It hurt. It hurt a lot more than I expected it would. Well, it makes it worth your while.
It looks bad. Like, badass, like tough? Just bad in general.
So you're ready to go to the next thing? Is it going to hurt? Maybe. All right, Kevin. We have arrived at the spa. Can you guess what we're doing? I'm getting a massage. Maybe. Maybe after the lady waxes your chest, we can talk her into it.
Tell us where they are hiding. Your comrades gave you up.
Ooh, ooh. Wax him some more. Ah!
No, thank you. Jesus, this fucking sucks. All right, so we're done.
Kevin, you're pretty stoic out there. I have to hand it to you. You got your chest waxed like a man. Now we're going to put you in this shirt and walk back to work. Ah, Jesus, this actually hurts.
If you don't mind, I'm going to walk ahead of you. Not personal. No, I mean... It's just you're in a Corn Rose and a George Bush t-shirt.
All right, we're back at the office. Let's just cut right to the chase. We're going to handcuff Kevin to his chair for the rest of the day.
It's really not that bad. No. Compared to what I've been through. All right? Mm-hmm. Cool.
I'll get off the pea. Kevin, there's one last thing. We're going to pie you in the face every 15 minutes for the rest of the day, okay?
You made my life invisible. Pretty much giving up on cleaning myself. I'm just going to live like this.
All right, Kevin, end of the day. You've been cornrowed, waxed, handcuffed, pieed 24 times. Now you're about to get paid. Here you go. $500 in ones.
Thanks. Make it rain, Kev, but not here because there's pie everywhere. The last thing. Ooh. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_88_John_Safran | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, here we are on The Batooter Advocate radio show, we're on the road. We are joined today by an iconic Mel Bornigan and actually almost 20 year veteran of the Australian media as a commentator.
Yeah, sure. Why not? John Safran, thank you for joining us. No, thank you very much.
I don't know whether you've got a curse, but I drive around Melbourne all the time and I'm just driving here and there and it's all inner city. And somehow when coming here, like the Google map took me to like, I had to go into these like pothole kind of look like where the Breaking Bad does the drug deals. And then there was like fences that cut me off and I had to go, yeah, so I don't know, I haven't seen this side of Melbourne before.
Oh really? Yes. Well, this just looks like Melbourne to us, you know. We're actually in a place called Kensington, I believe it's an industrial area. And what you've just said, John, suggests you might live in a bubble. Yes, correct.
Can you tell us a little bit about the bubble you grew up in? Did you grow up in a Jewish area? Uh, this got all like a bit like sus, yes, yes, no, that wasn't, that wasn't an interrogation question. No, no, enough about, I do live at the moment and I semi grew up here in a suburb called Bellaclava, which is the real hub of like ultra-orthodox Jews. So if you want those extras in your life to give a bit of like fun to your weekend where you're sitting having a coffee and then the extras are just more interesting because they've got the ringlets and the big furry hats, Bellaclava is where you go. So visibly Jewish community, which we weren't familiar if that kind of existed. We know it does exist in certain parts of Sydney and Bob Catter would argue in certain parts of North Queensland, a lot of Semitic descendants, he says up that way. But can you tell us a little bit what it was like growing up here like that and if your upbringing as a Jewish man in Melbourne kind of led to you, obviously you're now known as the Jew detective, do you reckon it's all, it's all part of your upbringing?
Yeah, I've always been a bit of an insider outsider. So when I was really young, I just, I just went to like a regular primary school and I lived outside of Bellaclava and just a more regular area. And then I mucked around too much in year seven at my state high school. And so my parents said I had to go to a small strict school and they ended up sending me to this ultra-orthodox like Jewish school where there were like 14 kids in our class and I was like the least religious kid in the most religious school. And so their thinking was like, it was a bit like sending me to the nuns who are like, you know, it's not like just cause you're sent to the nuns suddenly it's cause you're like super Catholic or anything like that. And yeah, so then I, then I was on the inside of this like ultra-orthodox Jewish school and, but, but I was still just doing my own thing. Like I was obsessed with hip hop growing up, like way more, I wasn't like really thinking all about religion or anything.
And then when I got out of that particular bubble and started entering into like TV land or whatever, like you start telling stories and you start getting a vibe that, oh, this is like an interesting area that people don't know about. And I've like had this, I've grown up with these interesting experiences. So you start using that as a bit of an anchor. So you didn't go into this school and come out the other side as, as the boy that, that your parents were hoping would come out the other side. You had a bit of a thirst for, for things kind of outside.
Yeah. But even that was confusing cause this school, cause it was run by missionaries that were from New York. So a lot of... They'd come to Melbourne. Yeah. They'd come to Melbourne.
And so, and, and so it was, it was a bit of anarchy really. It was way more less strict than my state high school that I'd gone to in year seven. And there was a lot of white screeching and you're allowed to be a loudmouth in class. And yeah, it wasn't, yeah. And it wasn't until I left that I realised like I was so sarcastic because in the context of the school, I was just like regular, you know what I mean? There was a bit of a, like a bit of a New York cause I, yeah, they all came from New York missionaries. So it wasn't a little bit, I'm walking here kind of, yeah, so it wasn't a good kind of like New York feeling like in the middle of Melbourne.
Yeah. Because a lot of our listeners, particularly up in Queensland, aren't really familiar with the Jewish Australian upbringing, unless they're obviously familiar with your work. And a lot of people kind of would feel like it's a, they would equate it to say brethren or Methodist or something like that is another type of white, but it is, you're right. You, you, you, you said that a bit, a inside outsider. Yeah. Do you sometimes feel like a bit of an undercover cop surrounded by white people and you hear a, you know, some of the comments they make? Oh yeah, definitely. You've got the whole whiteness thing is kind of interesting because like in the wider community, like wider Australia, we're just like, Oh, there's some more white people or whatever. But you go into these pockets, whether it's the, the right, you know, the hard right, the far right, the hard left and some pockets of the Muslim community and other pockets. And suddenly you're not just white, you're white plus, or rather you're not simply white. You're sort of part of their story and you're like a character in their story of how the world works and often not a pleasant character.
So yeah, so it does become, that's what I found fascinating when I was doing my book Depends What You Mean by Extremist was really waking up to that because I already kind of had the vibe that if I hang around with neo-Nazis, they're going to be a bit dark on the Jews. So that wasn't a surprise, but I was, I was quite stunned by like things on the hard left and either things weren't thought through that well or they were overthought in a way that made the Jew like not a pleasant character. How were you received? Because you know that that book was obviously out just a couple of years ago. So you were quite well known before you wrote the book on extremism. How did those people on the right, how did they treat you when you first started to try and peer your way into that little bubble? I was just incidentally like slightly one step ahead of this whole thing of like the alt-right growing and Pauline Hanson having her born again moment. So when I was hanging out with them, I was happy just to be like writing a book about hanging out with six skinheads in a pub and then it sort of like grew and grew and grew.
And I guess I just didn't know what to do. Like what are you going to do if you're holding a small protest on the street and then I come up there, you're just kind of gonna go along with it. I guess like it'd be, it'd be quite a big thing to gain like some someone in the face. Yeah. Although after the fact, someone told me he had to stop when I was up in I think Bendigo. He, this one member of the far right contacted me and said, Oh yeah, they're going to jump you at that rally. But I talked them out of it, but I don't know if that's true or not.
And I was quite disappointed because that would have been quite a good chapter for the book. And obviously by now, a couple of years later, all the wounds would have been healed.
Thanks a lot jerk. So does that mean like these people knew who you were, you were able to walk up to them and they were like, you know, bugger off, John, get out of here. You were part of a greater Jewish conspiracy than you and them ones.
So I just kind of hung out at the rallies, I'm calling these rallies. So I just kind of hung out almost until they came to me. Yeah. So it was a bit like hanging out with kittens. You know, if you'd like jump at a kid and it runs off, but if you sort of hang around there.
So I am comparing Australia's skinhead community to kittens in this particular metaphor. Now there looks like there's been waves and you've obviously been, you'd be the one who's documented this, but there's been waves of kind of white nationalism or neo-naziism spiking in Australia. Obviously there's the rompa stompa era of, you know, Melbourne, Vietnamese. It's almost always in Victoria though.
In that lull, I guess between the eighties when there was that anti-Asian sentiment, eighties and nineties and the skinheads and the real kind of, you know, buying the special knives from Hitler and collectibles and that kind of stuff. And then there was this lull and then we've seen it rear its head again with the internet. You were looking at these people in that lull and it was kind of laughable and did you find it funny at the time or did you think that these people still had a bit of clout at that time?
Yeah, they always have a clout. They can always do a lot of harm even if it's on a small scale level. So they can still like just beat up people on the street. So even if you don't get political about it, because everyone's obsessed with structural things and stuff, even if you say these skinheads have no power whatsoever, they still can really be. They still have access to steroids and still care boots. Total assholes who commit violent crimes against people of different skin color.
So there's that. But then, and then it becomes a bit like how much, when they rose, they started rising up. They were energized a bit by things like Pauline Hanson becoming big and then Trump becoming big.
But even before that, the reason they kind of came out of the shadows again was because they figured out a way that they could present themselves as having mainstream concerns. So if you're, if you're there rabbiting on about like even like black people or the Jews or whatever, but then they kind of worked out this sort of more this kind today tonight version of what they did, where it's like on today tonight, they'd be talking about halal certification or things like about terrorism or whatever. So they were, they came out of the shadows and were basically kind of faking it a bit and pretending that was their concerns. Like sitting around minding my own business. And then like, I could not believe I saw halal certified Cadbury bars at the Woolworths when, when that kind of wasn't really what they were on about.
It was more, that's how they could put on a facade. It wasn't so much about racial purity. It was more about culture. Well, it isn't about racial purity, but, but they can't say that they can't say that all the Jewish bankers are controlling it.
Like it's all just sounds a bit odd to regular ears. And since then they just, they always like to latch onto some mainstream thing and pretend that's their concern. So the next thing was about African crime, which, and because that's, again, another kind of today tonight issue.
Yeah. And it's highly visible as well. They'll just take, they'll absolutely take anything if they think it's going to help.
They just drop Muslims, like a hot potato, as soon as they could, like this crime thing started happening. Like I started turning up to their rallies and they just, suddenly they weren't talking about Islam or halal or Muslims at all. Islam was very 2016.
Yeah.
And as soon as Trump started talking about the working class and the factories, they jumped onto that. I remember there was like a rally, that was a rally, as soon as Trump started talking about factories closing out of the working class, the next rally I turned up to.
They just would not talk about Islam at all.
Which I've been banging on about. But they're also wearing toll shirts.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
And then like this yellow vest thing where they just, if there's something overseas that they think they can like make themselves look like they're normal, like we're just normal people with normal concerns. Even if it comes out of a movement that was born in the left, like they've got the Eureka Stockade, you know, where it was like, this flag means no to the government. It's like, well, it's because of, you know. The leadership in those groups are totally serious and really, I guess, politically eccentric.
Yeah. Like someone like, do I even say their names? Because it kind of, I don't know. Anyway, they're main leader, for instance. Yeah. Like he's really well read about all these far-right stuff and he reads about Hitler and he believes it all and stuff, but he kind of knows, it's just weird. Like he's not going to get a crowd if he starts talking about it. Yeah.
He can't drop that one on a fresh audience. I've seen that particular leader and you always see these people lapse into that little conspiracy that they don't really want to show and I remember seeing, what is it?
The Jews fund feminism. That's one thing I've seen. Jewish bankers fund feminism. That doesn't sound like two things that would go hand in hand, Jewish bankers and feminism and then this greater communist thing.
Have you actually had these conspiracy theories explained to you in a way that you can see? When I go to the meetings. Yeah, right. The international Jewish conspiracy meetings. Like hear out. No, they just, that's why conspiracy theories are kind of weird when you're Jewish because you kind of know in five minutes it's going to kind of go, you know, it's all fun and games. There was this bookshop when I was growing up, it's still there called the Theosophical Bookshop in Melbourne CBD and it had conspiracy books and even when I was young I kind of noticed this thing. You'd start off one end of the shelf and it's like there's aliens and then you'd kind of move a bit further on as the Kennedy assassination and who did the Kennedy assassination and then it would like ease on more and it'd be about 9-11 and the Illuminati and then like you get to the end it's like David Icke's and it's just, yeah, the Jews. Yeah, you kind of, when you, so do you feel that, I think, anxiousness when you're sort of, and like conspiracists, it's like it's a matter of time until this laser turns on me right now.
Oh yeah, for sure. I actually feel better, I feel way more comfortable around like the far right because everyone's kind of on your side, besides them, you know what I mean? But as soon as it's like the left it just becomes strange, I'll give you like a real solid example of this, like was after the Christchurch massacre in Auckland and there's a rally for solidarity and against racism and all that, things like that. And this guy just gets to the microphone, there must be like hundreds of progressive people there who are there because they hate racism and what happened in Christ, and this guy just gets to the microphone and starts talking about the massacre and who was behind it and we've got to look into the Zionist money that was behind it and everyone just stands there. It's like, and it's like, how am I meant to, how are you meant to take this? You know what I mean? And that just happens all the time. The Aboriginal community have gotten pretty good at just pulling the mic on when someone starts going on a tangent and say, no, we hear about Australia Day guys, let's not talk about Asian property investment and that kind of, they can kind of keep it on track, but you're right, the lefties, they'll let some dude get up there, he'll end up talking about vaccinations and stuff like that. What do you think from the end of the intelligence end with that Christchurch thing and then obviously the Fraser Anning press conference and Egg Boy and then that beating that that kid took and there was a lot of people on top of him and kicking him that were mentioned in your book. Yeah, yeah, I know.
And like, you know, this is just someone who's read your book. I was able to identify them. Are the cops aware that are looking into these people?
Like, do you reckon or are there files on this movement? I reckon there would have to be, and this is just my amateur psychological examination. There definitely are like a handful where I would not be surprised if like you woke up one morning and like one of them was on a watchtower and you know, had been, you know, from different sides as well. Yeah. So, yeah, you'd sort of hope. And what percentage do you reckon is like moron follower slash excitable dead shit versus scary?
It's really hard to pick apart, but definitely like one of like an overgeneralization is the leadership. They know exactly what they're doing and they're really up to, they know what they're doing and they're trying to do something. They're not naive at all. But then amongst the people that turn up, all sorts of people turn up.
I would, I'd be talking to someone in like in the crowd who turned up to this far right rally run by, you know, a neo-Nazi or whatever. And I'd be saying, well, why, you know, what's this for you?
And she's going, oh yeah, there's a lot of ice in our community and no one's really doing anything about the ice in our community. It's really great how these guys have spoken to us about how they're sort of going to help get ice out of the community.
And it's like, so clearly they've told her this like totally different story than they've told everyone else. So yeah, amongst the people who rock up to the rallies is, I wouldn't necessarily think, oh, they're all like SS officers or anything. No, well, like there was an issue that I think it was ASIO or the DSD were having a couple of years back where their actual spies, their employees were putting that they worked at these organizations on onto Facebook, on to LinkedIn. And they were like, first rule about being a spy, don't tell anyone you're a spy.
I guess there's, you know, there are idiots on both sides. Idiots in the intel.
Well, that is another comment they made during after Christchurch was that, you know, people were questioning and obviously Australia hasn't, Australia hasn't received much flack considering that was a Australian born product. But ASIO was saying sometimes it's hard to identify these kind of ideologies online because of where like public debate's gotten with the major parties. Sometimes there's elements of supremacy and almost Nazism in like public debate. And therefore it's harder to identify someone who's actually scary online.
Would you, would you believe that? Well, alongside that, they also just, they really develop their own language where you just have to be reading it and like pick up on irony and like they'll almost like say the opposite of what they mean. And you have to be like, like I was doing when I was researching this book, like spending hours a day and we'd start going, ah, okay. So when they say crabs, they mean Jews, that kind of thing. No, but they, they, they also just say things like that. There'll be a rant about how much they abhor racism.
Yeah. And it's like the opposite. And so like, how do you pick that apart of your, um, you know. And these people get to vote. Yes. There's one thing though, John, I would like to try and wrap my head around is, um, the race around the world. Uh, it's probably one of the first times that the people in this country got to see you. Yes.
And the one thing that's really got me confused is the ABC green lighting, a program that sends people all over the world, you know, as opposed to what it is now, which is, you know, a bit of a toothless tiger that doesn't have enough money to buy a sausage roll for lunch. It was one of those great moments and you probably get it in your careers too, where things are going slightly under the radar, like everything hasn't been worked out yet. And then everything kind of fits into place because no one's overthinking it. And there was so little overthinking of that. When I did it, I think it had been run in France or Canada or something, the show already, but they just sent us overseas. It was quite not, I don't, I don't mean disorganized, like, you know, like they didn't have the spreadsheets or whatever, but they didn't really know what we were doing and we didn't really know what we were doing. And it was also the first, for instance, the first generation of cameras that was small enough that you can have a flip screen and hold it up.
So even like, that was weird. Like when people are watching on TV, it's just, what's this badly lit, like video diaries in so much as they'd even thought about that expression, video diaries. So it was just kind of mad and making it up as we're going along. And it was, yeah, it kind of fell into place.
So the ABC just gave you a credit card and was like, all right, we need you to go around the world. We need you to, you know, go and do these things. And then you've got to send the video back to us.
Yeah. Every, every 10 days with, uh, with little notes and stuff. Every 10 days for a hundred days, is that right? Uh, I think that, no, I think maybe for eight, I think we had like eight stories maybe. Really? Yes.
That's even still, that's a whole, that's a lot of work. I really learned how to, this is how slack I am. I'm so hard working with my slackness is that I just had to doing paper edits cause we have to sit there and like, uh, you know, write notes, time code, everything. So I was like, Oh, how much of this story can I shoot like in one take? And or yeah, I started like working backwards.
Yeah. I started working backwards from that. Now you kind of then pivoted into, uh, all the ABC commissioned another pilot of yours or a pilot of yours after that. And now iconic skit where you were in a Malay with Ray Martin out in front of his house, writing his bins, um, a current affair style at the still at this point you weren't overly political were you or, uh, I guess, uh, I guess political like in your own way. I already realized even from that Ray Martin thing, I could tell I wasn't going to get away with whining because, or like that, even if I wanted to, not that I particularly wanted to, but there were things when I was like Ray Martin was attacking me and I was like, wait, don't do this, I was like, you know, I've got a right to be here and already like watching it, like suddenly you're on Ray Martin's side and a lot of the stuff I do is like working backwards from what people put up with, which is kind of fair enough. Like I guess it is good to have that thing where it's like, Oh, people are only going to put up with you if you're kind of do funny stuff and it's not too whiny. Yeah. So I wouldn't, I don't get away with like doing Mike Moore type stuff, you know, like even on, I remember on race around the world, one thing being a bit of a ideologue kind of fit it into place, it was when I was at Disneyland and I did have this like quote at the end, like something about the corporations and already when they're like, they cut back to the studio, it's like, yeah, like the judges were like paying out on me, but big business. So yeah, I guess it depends what you mean by political or whatever. Yeah. I mean, I guess it was, you go from skits to now you're actually at neo-Nazi rallies and spending these guys, I guess you're now working in more long form kind of storytelling and a lot of that is just because that's where the work is.
So Penguin, for whatever reason, want me to write books and I'm like, yeah, cool. And then people are like, Oh, why don't you do this or that? And I'm like, well, Penguin are asking me to write books, the end.
Now one thing we noticed in your most recent book about the extremism, how you were seeing flack coming from the left for one particular one. And it was a great little paragraph there, but it was as you were at this rally and documenting yourself at these neo-Nazi rallies, you were being criticized on Twitter by people who only exist on Twitter for dominating a conversation that you're not meant to have.
Yeah. And your response was interesting in that these people must have short memories if they can't understand why a Jewish guy would be interested in attending a neo-Nazi rally to see what's going on in 2016. Oh yeah.
I reckon if I could write the book again, the thing I'd put more detail in would be about this whole weird incoherence between like wokeness and sort of like the history of the Jews, because I was baffled at the time because I'm like an old man. And when I went to university, it would have been considered in bad taste to tell a Jew that he shouldn't be on the street protesting Nazis, but it was totally baffling to me. I was on the street there, it was like my first day of doing research for this book and this kind of little Twitter storm about how white people like me shouldn't be taking up space in this conversation. I just couldn't get my head around it because I was like, and then I did like a little bit of a joke in the book where kind of just talking about, what do I end up saying in the book?
Yeah. About how maybe you're young and you just pick up kind of history from Buzzfeed or whatever. No, no. That was the one. Maybe Buzzfeed should write an article about why a Jew would be at a rally like this. Hey, I've even got a headline for it, Schindler's Listicle. And yeah, I wish I'd kind of interrogated that more in the book, but I was just, I was too confused when I was in the book. Well, on that issue with Twitter kind of being its own horrible organism, are you familiar with the concept of having a person get canceled? Yeah. Like deplatformed and stuff. Yeah.
Do you think you are uncounselable? No, definitely not. I reckon, I reckon, yeah, no people already, I reckon.
Not so much deplatformed in that, you know, like has since happened to a lot of these Nazis, as in culturally canceled, you know, because I guess the time was set with the Me Too movement where it's like, well, we don't talk about them. We don't talk about their art or their work anymore, but now it's not even in relation to that movement or it's actually, you know, in relation to any slight of gaffe or any kind of incident. Yeah, like... Chris Hilly's since been canceled for, you know, obviously a lot of the stuff he did later in his career. Yeah, I reckon that there's this kind of like a thing where if you don't engage with it, you kind of just kind of keep on walking on.
I think maybe it's slightly overhand by both sides. Like for instance, and also I question the metric of like something happens on Twitter and therefore that's what's happening. So like to say Dave Chappelle or whatever. So he does a special on Netflix. And then in the reality of Twitter, like it's, oh my God, Dave Chappelle's like, he's over and you know, how can he say it or whatever. But clearly he's like going gangbusters ratings wise for Netflix. So it's like, it's hard for me to like work out the metric and, and yeah, so yeah, So Dave Chappelle's probably kind of over-hamming it by saying that, oh, you know, he's got to be really careful. He's going to be, but then the other side's also kind of over-hamming how much kind of, you know, how important they're kind of...
Yeah. So, so yeah, they, and comedians are doing that a lot, particularly of that generation. They are saying like, oh, I've got to be careful. You can't say anything these days, but you literally are saying much more than you used to. Yeah. Nothing's really happening to you. I kind of guess there'll be like a slight recalibration at some point where an etiquette kind of develops. Yeah. But I think like Netflix seems to just casually have it right where they have like total woke stuff on there and then they have Dave Chappelle and Bill Burr and then it's like, so that seems fine. You know, it just seems as I'm kind of like assuming it's going to have to work itself out at some point. Yeah.
Well, do you ever go through and read the comments? Do you go through and like, say for example, you release a book next week, go back through, do you read the comments about it or do you just keep trucking forward? I did when, the problem, the problem was, or the thing is often it's really good for me to read the comments because then I can build shtick off them. So I don't really read the comments for, like to self-flagellate, but yeah, like for instance, like the start of my last book worked much better because I read the comments and some dude saying, what's this white guy doing here? And then I sort of, they almost like triggered the entire book.
And so yeah, it's kind of good for that reason, but it can just... It can be therapeutic, but it also can be quite unproductive. And you also like lose the plot a bit.
Like you start thinking not so much with the comments, but for instance, I'll be having some like bitter fight with someone in my life. And I'll be thinking like, and not even like a member of the public, like someone maybe in your extended family or whatever. So I'm like writing my book going, oh, he's going to read this. And then you just realize you just spent like six months writing this book with that one person in your mind.
And it's like, why? Why did I do that? Maybe I should have written it for like the people who like me and stuff. So my thing about reading comments, it would be, I'd do it if I thought it was helpful for shtick.
But as soon as it, you definitely start losing the plot when you start spending too much time online. I almost have anecdotal proof of that because I started muting all the people from my last book because I'm moving on to my next project and I just kind of didn't want in my head and all these political things or whatever. And I started just falling down other rabbit holes. Like for instance, the one new thing I'm working on is about the future of smoking and vaping and everything. So I've started following all those accounts instead.
And then like that all fills your head. And then when you're like walking down the street, you think that's the world. It is a hyper, hyperactive community, isn't it? The vaping. Yeah. But like suddenly overnight my head's just not filled with, oh my God, there's all these far right people and far left people and stuff. And if I fall down a rabbit hole of, like I fell down this rabbit hole on YouTube of people doing their homemade guitars or something like that. And then that suddenly fills your head. You're kind of walking down the street going and then it's like, oh, this is what everyone's thinking about now.
Yeah. Homemade guitars. Yeah. Look at those humbuckers over there.
It's an interesting skill you have though, where you can report on these things without trying to sound like a martyr or a patron saint of, you know, and in fact in this book, this extremist book, depends what you mean by extremist, you actually do quite an interesting job of humanising people that would be quite clearly villains in a Martin Scorsese film, you know what I mean, or in the mainstream would consider them probably not the good guys. And you did the hard yards drinking with them in Bendigo or whichever rally they're in and you kind of applied a personality to them, which is interesting. Was that a hard part of the book or does that come easy to you? Because it sounds like some of those piss ups were really a slog.
Yeah.
I mean, the thing with the far right is that they don't get any more interesting the longer you spend with them. So it's almost like the first meeting's great because it's like, it's so colourful and you're like, it's stimulation overloaded, like, oh my God, he's got a swatch sticker on his neck. Oh my God. And then you're like, whatever. And then, then that, like the nobody really wears thin and then like your problem by your third meeting, isn't that they're like, no Nazis, it's that they're just like boring you to tears, you know? And like, so their political stuff is just so boring after a while, pretty quickly.
So did you ever get to the bottom of what these people do? Like for a living? I mean, there's not too many jobs that would have you, you know, if you were covered, you know, in Nazi ink, you know, up and down your neck, on your hands. Well, some of them are self-employed and just kind of dodge around that. But yeah, I think some would just be getting social security.
Is there any elements of organised crime still, or is it more? I wish, cause that would have been great for the book. It didn't actually appear too much. There was no kind of a sons of anarchy, you know, drop offs and funding the movement.
Yeah. This is England type shit. Yeah.
I actually asked a guy who works in counter-terrorism recently about whether, is there a connection between the illicit cigarette trade and like these far-right groups or any radical groups? And he said, what did he say? He said there was a raid at like, I think at Lakemba or Bankstown where, where counter-terrorism got on to the illicit cigarette trade.
But then I think, I think that they kind of found out that it was just kind of incidental. So it kind of wasn't funding terrorism, it was just funding cheap winny blues. Funding small business owners. How we were able to convince the SBS and the ABC to fund the things that you did, you know, in the 2000s, you know, from your show versus God to race relations, which I think was in America first.
A lot of the things that a lot of people of our age would know you about, you know, is doing these really, really hectic things. You know, there's obviously that thing with you and your cameraman in the Middle East how you swapped over your, your, your sperm samples.
Oh yeah. But that's always, you know, that's always a story that's told every time your name comes up. Was the ABC and the SBS like, this is great, keep going?
I think I kind of got wind of the fact that they were most obsessed with local politics. So in that you could really get in trouble if you were talking about like the Labour Party too much or the Liberal Party. Like that's what their main concern was.
And I kind of wasn't particularly, that wasn't particularly my jam. So I just sort of started doing kind of like, kind of like, I guess, smart, smart thing, I'm trying to go into areas where they just didn't think about it that much. So and for a while, yeah, those are the areas or whatever. But you'd occasionally stumble into things like you'd learn things like, because I'd always just be taking the mickey out of everything. And then you'd find out that, oh, no, they like, because I did this one thing on Versus God about how, like people in lefty suburbs, they sometimes have this plaque out there that we acknowledge the Wurundjeri people as the owners of this or whatever. So I did like a skit where like, I got some Aboriginal dudes, actors to come and sort of like, you know, doorknob and like, wanting to take their land back from these hippies or whatever. And that was like, and I just like wrote that and I thought like, I've written stuff where you're like taking the mickey out of this and that and Muslims and Jews and Asian or whatever.
And I thought this was just another thing. And it was like, no, it's like people were just really well, that's interesting. Yeah. Like where it was like, like the wardrobe woman was like, I cannot do the clothes for this because you should get an Aboriginal person to do it. And then, yeah, it was just all this stuff. And yes, I just learned that that there were things that were. Hypersensitivity you'd expect.
Yeah. Now you've also got, and before we go, there's a little bit more supernatural. Are you going? Oh, yeah. I spent, I went over to Vanuatu and America to look into the occult for an audible podcast that will be coming out mid-November. So, and like modern day.
Is this Polynesian religion or?
Yeah, well, modern day, the two cases, the one I look at in an island of Vanuatu was about these two guys 10 years ago who were, well, the school principal had died on the island and these two guys were fingered as being, practicing witchcraft that had killed the principal. So they have these little, this little island court and the two guys were like sentenced to death basically. And they were like, they were killed. So you can get like the capital punishment really for being a witch these days.
Yeah. And then the other one I looked at was, you might've heard Donald Trump's always banging on about this El Salvadorian gang called MS 13. And so they, I was just reading this article where two members killed this girl and they were claiming, both the police were claiming and the guys in court were claiming that they killed her because she bumped their satanic shrine at their apartment. And I was like, what the hell? And then they took her out and they shot her. And then I started reading more about MS 13 and it was like an other story where the backstory was, it was a demonic killing. And then I started reading more about how there's this one version of their history where all the original members were like Satanists, like back in the 1980s. So I went over there to check whether the veracity of El Salvador. No, no, to, I went to Houston, Texas. That's where the murder was, one of the satanic murders. And it was only like last year or something, murder. And then I went to LA where I found these other ex members of the gang just to kind of check out whether it's true that they've got satanic roots and stuff.
Now you don't seem to have an issue with like being around anyone. Like if you'd asked me who the scariest gang in the world was, I'd probably say MS 13. Have you ever been stumped? Have you ever found any community a bit standoffish? Who's the scariest person you've ever been next to?
Usually when I get scared, I've got scared for the wrong reason. So one time when, one time when I was getting crucified in the Philippines, it kind of, what happened was I got, it was part of a ritual that happens anyway. So I wasn't like doing anything unusual. I was just partaking in this ritual.
And it was like the real early days of like blackberries buzzing in your pocket where your name came up. So I think it was like the very next day or like it wasn't long after I'd been crucified that there was a buzz in my pocket. I think the Australian was like reporting on it because they'd seen some Associated Press photo or whatever.
And I started freaking out that like we're going to get in trouble on the island for that. So I was like, we have to get out of here. Like we're just going to get in such big trouble or whatever. And we sort of planned to have a meal with the people and the organisers and we kind of darted off the island. Because I freaked out. I thought we'd just get in too much big trouble.
This is with the hyper orthodox kind of Filipino Christian. Yeah, Catholics. Yeah.
And because I just took part in it like in a regular way, in a respectful way in so much as, but the way that I'll talk about in the article, it was like all like prankster clown. But I was just like, oh, you know, like if I read that, maybe we're going to get throttled. So I got really scared and convinced the crew that we have to leave. And then we sort of got in more trouble because it was like so obnoxious and rude to kind of leave before having the meal and stuff.
And none of them had their iPhones.
No, exactly. Good point. Well, we wish you the best with with the next book. And thanks for joining us, Mr Safran. Thank you very much. No, thank you. Thank you.
Thing on versus God about how like people in lefty suburbs, they sometimes have this plaque out there that we acknowledge the Wundry people as the owners of this or whatever. So I did like a skit where I got some Aboriginal dudes, actors to come and sort of like, you know, doorknock and like to want to take their land back from these, from these hippies or whatever. And that was like, and I just like wrote that and I was like, I've written stuff where you're like taking the mickey out of this and that and Muslims and Jews and Asian or whatever. And I thought this was just another thing. And it was like, no, it's like people would just really well, that's interesting. Yeah, like where it was like, like the wardrobe woman was like, I cannot do the clothes for this because you should get an Aboriginal person to do it.
And then, and it was just all this stuff. And yes, I just learned that, that, that there were things. Hypersensitivity you'd expect.
Yeah. Now you've also got, and before we go, there's a little bit more supernatural you're going. Oh yeah. I spent, I went over to Vanuatu in America to look into the occult for an audible podcast that will be coming out mid November. So, and like modern day. This is Polynesian religion or? Yeah.
Well, modern day, the two cases, the one I look at in an island of Vanuatu was about these two guys 10 years ago who were, well, the school principal had died on the island and these two guys were fingered as being practicing witchcraft that had killed the principal. So they have these little, this little island court and the two guys were sentenced to death basically. And they were like, they were killed. So you can get like the capital punishment really for being a witch these days.
Yeah. And then the other one I looked at was you've, you might've heard Donald Trump's always banging on about this El Salvadorian gang called MS 13. Yeah.
And so they, I was just reading this article where two members killed this girl and they were claiming, both the police were claiming and the guys in court were claiming that they killed her because she bumped their satanic shrine at their apartment. And I was like, what the hell? And then they took her out and they shot her. And then I started reading more about MS 13 and it was like an other story where the backstory was, it was a demonic killing. And then I started reading more about how there's this one version of their history where all the original members were like Satanists, like back in the 1980s. So I went over there to check whether the veracity of El Salvador. No, no, to, to, to, I went to Houston, Texas. That's where the murder was one of the satanic murders. And it was only like last year or something murder. And then I went to LA where I found these other ex-members of, of the, of the gang just to kind of check out whether it's true that they've got satanic roots and stuff.
Now, you don't seem to have an issue with like being around anyone. Like if you'd asked me who the scariest gang in the world was, I'd probably say MS 13. Have you ever been stumped? Have you ever found any community a bit standoffish? Who's the scariest person you've ever been next to?
I usually, when I get scared, I've got scared for the wrong reason. So one time when, one time when I was getting crucified in the Philippines, the, it kind of, what happened was I got, it was part of a ritual that happens anyway. So I wasn't like doing anything unusual. I was just partaking in this ritual.
And it was like the real early days of like blackberries buzzing in your pocket, where your name came up. So I think it was like the very next day or like, it wasn't long after I'd been crucified that there was a buzz in my pocket. I think the Australian was like reporting on it because they'd seen some associated press photo or whatever.
And I started freaking out that like, we're going to get in trouble on the island for that. So I was like, we have to get out of here. Like we're just going to get into such big trouble or whatever. And we sort of planned to have a meal with the people and the organisers. And we kind of darted off the island. Cause I freaked out. I thought we'd just get in too much big trouble.
This was with the hyper Orthodox kind of Filipino Christian. Yeah, Catholics. Yeah.
And because I just took part in it, like in a regular way, in a respectful way in so much as, but the way that I'll talk about in the article, it was like all like prankster clown. But I was just like, oh, you know, like if they read that maybe we're going to get throttled. So I got really scared and convinced the crew that we have to leave. And then we sort of got in more trouble because it was so obnoxious and rude to kind of leave before having the meal and stuff.
And one of them had their iPhones.
No, exactly. Good point. Well, we wish you the best with the next book and thanks for joining us, Mr. Safran. No, thank you very much. No, thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tiktoker_piper_dunster_on_kate_middleton_conspiracy_theories_snl | Following Kate Middleton's announcement last week revealing her heartbreaking health update, many came under fire for spreading irresponsible conspiracy theories about Kate. here to comment is Tiktoker Piper Dunster. thanks for having me. thanks for being here. So what are your thoughts on all these Kate-spiricy theorists on social media? you're so messed up. Seriously, you all should be ashamed of yourselves. you couldn't give this woman one ounce of privacy. Also, I'm sorry, but some of their theories are just dumb. Yeah, it's interesting, because I actually watched a couple of your tiktoks from a few weeks ago. can we watch one of those? when you realize the letters in Kate Middleton rearranged the spelled naked tit model. So yeah, I briefly hopped on the bandwagon, But you have to understand, I'm a stay-at-home mom who prefers not to think about her kids. this is all I have. But I swear, normally I am very, very careful about what I post on social media. really? Well, let's just flip through a couple of your tiktoks.
Like there was this one from 2022. Finally, a politician we can believe in. Two words, George Santos. Yeah. Yeah, there was that. And there was also this one from the summer.
Guys, you gotta get on the wait list for the Titanic submersible. Ooh. there's a wait list. there's a wait list, Yeah. there's also this one from this week.
Manhattan Girlie, listen here, listen here. get out of your apartment and go for a walk. I mean, what do you think the worst is gonna happen to you? ya get punched? doesn't age well a weekend, Yeah. Or how about this one from 2019? Okay, for everyone asking in the comments, the secret to my casserole?
Wet Lark is death. Okay, okay, I'll admit, my tiktok takes are a little questionable. But hey, hey, look on the bright side. pretty soon they might ban the app and then all my flop predictions will be erased from the internet. right, right. because we also found your old myspace page. I'm gonna marry my favorite member of Nsync, Lance Bass. pottest and the straightest. Okay, tiktoker, Piper Dunster, everyone.
Pocky Lance. Call her. Pocky. |
cracked | 14_unintentionally_horrifying_commercials | Crap. Fourteen. More terrifying. Commercial support.
Well, how does this mask do that? Well, if you can get the idea of what doing eight setups a second would do for your stomach, you have an idea of what Rejuvenique would do for your face. The control unit is sending a pulsation to the number one facial areas located on both sides of your forehead. They become concerned the system may not be operating correctly. While you can relax and enjoy Rejuvenique in a variety of settings, never immerse it in water or rinse it under the tap. Let me tell you what bugs me about human endeavor.
Land on your own moon. You were not supposed to be back until Sunday. We could use the boy on drums. I wonder if I could use your phone. My car broke down a few blocks over and is that oak? And help keep your home protected from termites and pests.
I am never getting married. Never. Guaranteed. It picked a beautiful ring. Thank you. We're never having kids. A little bit here. We are never moving to the suburbs. I'm never letting go. For all the Nevers in life, State Farm is there.
Baby secret. She whispers just to you. She will turn away. Hello, ladies. Is there any applesauce left for me? No, but we've got something else for you, perv. Oh! Hey, that's Valkyrie.
Does he design the games? No, he executes them.
Breakfast! I'm hungry! I can wrinkle every time I eat it. During a facial toning session, the system delivers a mild impulse, generated by a tiny 9-volt battery from the control unit. |
TheOnion | Tired_Of_Traffic_New_DOT_Report_Urges_Drivers_Honk | Traffic is a real problem for many commuters, but a study from the Department of Transportation offers a practical solution. Most traffic problems are caused by poor communication between drivers, many who do not realize that there are other cars behind them. The number one thing that could make driving in this country smoother and more enjoyable is an increase in honking. Here's how it works. A driver stuck in dense traffic honks his horn to alert the other drivers that someone needs to get through. The other drivers move to the left and the right, allowing the no-longer obstructed car to go on its way. Your repeated honking will send a clear message to other drivers. Please excuse me, but I would like to pass. For drivers in a real hurry, the department suggests honking in an emphatic, repetitive manner. Or, in a worst-case scenario, depress the horn continuously until traffic begins to move again.
Honk!
It's that simple. To get the message out, the Department of Transportation has launched a nationwide ad campaign this week. The agency expects honking could eliminate roughly 90 percent of traffic problems. The remaining 10 percent could be eliminated by some combination of swearing and fish-shaking. Next up, why celebrities are so adept at writing children's books. |
dropout | atv_cuisine_shoe_cakes_sponsored | Welcome back to ATV Cuisine presented by Reebok. As always, I'm your host, John Fontaine. Now let's meet this week's panel of guest palates. First off, we've got restaurateur and king of country cooking, Jerry Oklahoma. Howdy! Can't wait to dine with you folks.
To his left, we've got food critic and blogger, Lydia St. Germain. It's a pleasure. And last but not least, Garrett O'Donnell, molecular gastronomist extraordinaire. Let's go on a food adventure, John. Alright, today we've got a little triple chocolate cake. Everybody, bon appetit. It has a nice, light, airy texture. And yet there's a grit to it, which challenges the mouth, which I find very exciting. Feels like my mouth done died and gone to chocolate heaven. Alright, some kind words from our guest chefs.
While they're finishing off that cake, let's see a little of how that was made. That's how you make a cake. Look at that traction. Wait, why did you have someone run through the cake ingredients?
Hey, it was no trouble at all. The ATVs can handle any terrain. That's not the issue. It's funny that you say that. When I say the ATVs can handle anything, check this out.
Alright, we're going to take a commercial break. When we come back, we'll show you how the ATV can handle running through bleach and then crushing some lemons. Come on, man. |
TheOnion | Autistic_Reporter_Michael_Falk_Enchanted_By_Prison_s_Rigid_Routine | Autistic reporter Michael Falk joins us now with his interview. Nice to see you again, Michael. I cannot see you, Brooke. I can only hear you. Right. Okay. Hello, Brooke. I finished speaking with Brian Wasserman 26 minutes ago, and I've been standing here since then waiting for you to talk to me. Watch that interview now.
Brian Wasserman used to live in a very big mansion. Now he lives in a tiny jail cell. Is living in prison different from living in a 40,000 square foot mansion in Westchester? Yeah, it's different. How is it different from living in a 40,000 square foot mansion in Westchester?
Well, it's every second of my day is accounted for. It's just day after day of the rigid routine. Rigid routine? What is the rigid routine?
Well, we get up at exactly 6 a.m. Exactly 6 15 a.m.
Everyone is counted. Counted. Yeah, we have to line up seven times a day to be counted. Line up and be counted.
And then there's the food. I never tasted such terrible food.
How long do you have to stay in the line? We have to walk in lines everywhere. Do you have to make that line straight?
Oh, yeah. Well, frankly, I always thought you didn't have to do anything in prison, but we have a work detail and it's it's hard. Just yesterday I spent the entire day stacking crates. Just one on top of the other, just... I like to stack. You do? Yes, I like to stack crates. Stacking crates. Yeah, well, it's hard work. Stacking crates.
I don't mean to complain, but I realize what I did was wrong. I just want to serve my time and maybe I can get out of here and get back to my family. Why do you want to get out of here?
For my family. Can you stack your family? What?
I want to be in prison. No, you don't. I want to be in prison. No, you don't. You see, it takes its toll on you.
Well, you wear the same clothes every day and you live in this tiny little box and there's hardly any human contact. How do I get to live here? No. How do I get to live here?
I need to go to prison now. I don't think you understand. Now. You see, this is a scary place. I mean, sure, there are normal guys like me who are in here for embezzling and fraud. That takes too long. I need to go to prison now. We all have violent offenders. I need to go now.
I mean, it's a scary place. It's rough. Make sure the cashier is dead. |
cracked | why_carmen_sandiego_is_better_than_indiana_jones_today_s_topic | Oh hey, there's going to be a new Indiana Jones movie.
Fuck that! No! Okay, I know the last one wasn't very good, but there's no need to yell. Yes, there is.
Okay, why is there always an indie movie and never a car me movie? A car me movie? You want a you movie?
She's complex. Everybody wants you to think she's the villain, but she does everything that Indiana Jones does, but better. Okay, well, Indiana Jones wants to get stuff into museums. Carmen just wants to steal stuff.
Does he? And does she? I just said they do.
Because he's only ever gotten one thing successfully to a museum. Everything else has been destroyed or ends up locked up in a vault somewhere. Meanwhile, he is constantly getting distracted by hooking up with ladies, including Nazi ladies, let's never forget. Or he's just destroying things in general. Indiana Jones is one of those guys who needs to be noticed and worshipped for the crappy job he does. Oh, okay.
Well, Carmen Sandiego has never successfully stolen anything. That is assuming that Carmen Sandiego's main intention is to steal. You are still viewing her as an evil character. Carmen, Isabella, Sandiego has probably taught more children than most museums.
Well, her show has, sure, but I'm talking about the characters. I mean the character, too.
All of the gumshoes that chase her are children. All of the lackeys she hires are learning. She is educating and teaching more than Indy does by stealing items and hoarding them into museums. She keeps the item intact, she keeps the learning adventurous, and even though she is constantly underestimated by everyone and being chased by children, she never puts those children in true harm's way.
Unlike Indy. You know what? He's crazy.
Carmen has even saved children on multiple occasions, okay? She doesn't want to hurt anyone. She just knows that the youth don't care unless there's an adventure involved.
Oh my god, I want to do that so bad. Me too.
Promise we'll go. Whoops. Science. Wait, where was I? Carmen Sandiego. Teaching kids. Thank you. You bet.
She knows that she can get caught, but she still brings awareness to historical items while keeping their integrity. She makes people care. Yeah, by stealing.
Okay, you know in Batman that line about how he needs to be the villain? You can either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Harvey Dent.
And as I think about it, an insane thing to think. Yes! Well that is what Carmen is, okay?
She is the villain that we need to bring awareness to history and learning. If she was really bad at stealing, she would have been caught by now, but she never is. People don't even know what her face looks like.
That is power, bro. She is always one step ahead because she wants people to save the items that she takes. Wow. I guess you're right.
She even has the ability to travel through time or steal conceptual items like the invention of medicine. How is there not a Carmen Sandiego movie or something? You're like, oh, a show! I would watch a show where she travels around the world stealing items. Even get into her backstory, how she went from like a good spy to a bad, hunted woman, you know? And then you see her struggling with the perception that she's a villain, but actually, she's a hero. Oh my God. Is Carmen, Carmen Sandiego? I mean, she likes history a lot.
I guess they would explain. Hey, that was my bagel. How is that educational at all? |
cracked | why_indiana_jones_secretly_sucks_at_his_job_after_hours | Okay, except instead of an idol and a bag of sand. It's my boobs and nothing happens because their way Exactly the same so he's just exchanging one for the other you have the worst fantasy can't masturbate to that Soren what was yours again? Okay, so it's Nala, but not like lion cub Nala adult Nala when she's all self-possessing and assertive Yes is gadget there, but giant size gadget should be there not tiny though No, it's me Nala and my cloud father nodding an approval.
Are you a giraffe? Positions are insane when you're a giraffe.
Wait, wait, I didn't get to the best part where he uses his whip, right? I'm like, hello, Indiana and then he whips my Are you making these up right now? These are supposed to be from adolescence. No, no, he doesn't whip it. He No, oh what if he uses the handle? Stop just stop God yeah, plus I think that handles all interwoven leather and jungle grime.
You don't want to go there Can we just change the subject please to anything? Indiana Jones is a bad choice He's emotionally distant You probably just have sex with you and then be like this belongs in a museum and then store your vagina in some endless warehouse Good no gossip. That means that when you bang indie, whatever happens in your temple a doom stays in your temple a doom Don't call it that I'd let him roll a few boulders down my tunnel if you know what I am saying I think so So what he just take his balls and sort of That's it tangent topic Don't fear the smut Daniel, I don't fear smut Michael I transcend it plus I actually think Katie was onto something really interesting. Yeah Indiana I blow his darts all over the Nazis or wherever No, not that obviously not that about him not being a gossip about him being distant I think Indiana Jones might be terrible at his job. Not if his job is exploring the ruins of my underwear Ruins I mean cuz he's a professor by trade, right? Soren, please. Hmm. Yeah, I mean barely He's an archaeology professor who gets time off whenever he wants and his actual groupies and can't be killed So I guess he's like magic right which would work because magic is real in the indie universe Remember in temple of doom that priest clearly has supernatural powers Which implies that removing and eating the heart of your enemies to gain their strength Apparently a thing a thing you can do in this horrible world Magic so what so what's in these whole justification for why he thinks it's okay to steal ancient artifacts because he's a dreamboat Dr. Jones this is a time for because he's a better caretaker because he as a teacher Can we trust to share this information with the world his unofficial motto is let's belong to the museum And yet none of the artifacts here covers actually end up in museums nine times out of ten He just directs a bunch of evil dudes right to ya I mean you'd think there'd be plenty of demand for a diary autographed by Hitler and he smashes up that library floor kind of an anti-learning vibe, really Yeah, but after he saves the world he keeps all the information to himself Otherwise we'd see a whole bunch of sweeping social changes from one movie to the next right if he told everyone that magic was a thing so this teacher Encounters magic stones magic human sacrifices magic fridge of invincibility and doesn't share a Word of that to anyone you don't think he should have paused from adventuring for like a second to publish an academic paper or two Yeah, get rich like the fat cats in the mummy franchise What about God? That's kind of a broader debate Indiana Sassafras Winifred Jones witnesses the literal Ark of the Covenant melt faces off an entire nazi platoon and he meets an immortal knight guarding the Holy Grail which Then sinks fathoms into the earth and yet he says nothing you really think that if he was serious about sharing his revelations with The world he'd be entirely different kind of teacher.
I'd give him the keys to my short round if you know what I'm saying No one knows what you're saying. I know Dan is right.
Indy is a hypocrite He's a professional enlightener who discovers the afterlife and magic and chooses not to share that information with anyone He even fights with his dad because he doesn't agree with his religion Which is the same religion that saved his ass from Nazi execution. It's almost insane Yeah, and remember this is all during World War two You don't think that confirming that eternal rewards and punishments exist would have deterred some Nazis comforted some victims Hell he probably could have avoided the entire Holocaust if he had just gone out and publicly said hey There was a God. He's a vengeful God. I got proof. Look, it's a bottle of Nazi face easier He could have just weaponized the ark and stopped the entire war just strapped it on the front of a tank and drove right into Berlin And wasn't it Edmund Burke who said the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing in fact, it was Edmund Burke said Indiana Jones caused the Holocaust Katie.
All right. Okay, let's just calm down for a second here hearty boys Let's cut him some slack.
I mean, you don't know how people would react Maybe Indy is afraid of what will happen when the afterlife becomes a verified fact I mean will the world economies just collapse will people give up on life and flee to monasteries I mean, what will they do when they find out that the real true God is the kind of God that's gonna make a box Of face melter and just leave it laying around. I mean wasn't it the Old Testament that said that aliens No, Michael, you can't just interject aliens into any argument. You've done that like eight times and it only worked the one alien alien alien Aliens that shows did encounter aliens bingo Plus I wanted to talk about sharing adults mature love with a man-sized cartoon mouse So don't blame me God and the afterlife Trump aliens. He's dragging us backwards. Don't you see he is always dragging us backwards That's my stick But the broader point that I'm making is in Bill and Ted's bogus journey Bill and Ted discover magic hell Mug their way into heaven talk to God and then travel through time to team up with aliens Then what do they do blast it out live wild stallions style It's the magic of B&T because they were honest with people instead of picking and Choosing what the public got to know and it led to a utopic future Remember George Carlin was alive and everything and did George Carlin not say Rinpits He did Okay, but what does Bill and Ted have to do with Indiana Jones? I get it It's a control experiment, but you got two different subjects, but the same stimuli You've got massive revelation specifically magic and time travel and then the introduction of God and the afterlife and then the existence of aliens the only variable is how they deal with it in one case you have indie who's dealing with it in total secrecy and Then the other side B&T with total openness wait Sorin Did you just make an argument for transparency and freedom of information? No I made an argument for mystical chosen ones who defy death and time and rock forever because they're inherently uber mensch But the point is Dan is right Alex Winters should be the next Indiana Jones that wasn't even close to my point But judging solely by your tone of voice and happy vacant expression.
I can assume you're on my side, which I think makes it three to one You ready to admit defeat Wilbert? Yeah, right. I'd admit his feet if I Yeah, I guess I just don't care at the end of the day whether or not I hypothetically bone a fictional character. So Yeah, that makes sense. The commenters will Yeah, but where do the feet go?
I let him come in my cable wonders. That's a lad. Okay We're on a lad now. I've let a lad in I'd show him the world Hi, I'm crack.com editor-in-chief Jack O'Brien.
And if you do not subscribe to our YouTube channel, I'm gonna fire That young man No, you take that hat off. You don't deserve to wear that hat Daniel. What did I say? out of the shot So subscribe |
dropout | the_undie_run_legend | Hello, and welcome back to College Humor's coverage of the 2010 Axe Undie Run Challenge. We are just minutes away from our run here at the University of Texas. As you can see, we have a helpful countdown clock in the left-hand corner of your s- oh, it's in the up in- oh, um, my mistake. We do not have one of those. Cool. Well, someone just let us know if people start running behind us. Now we are here with Axe Undie Run legend, Bob Applebob. Thanks for having me, yeah. Let's get started on something we like to call the speed round.
I don't know what that is. Any pre-race rituals or superstitions? Uh, not really, I just kind of get my flow. What does a typical pre-race meal look like for you? Uh, whatever's in the fridge, I guess. Any other course that you're worried about? It's kind of just straight back.
Oh, yeah, we got David live on the course, David. Hey guys, can you hear me? Can you hear me, because I can't hear you. Yes, we can. Thank you, David.
Now it's time for round two, where we assign point values to each of Bob's answers. What are these points for? 100 points. How would you characterize tonight's competition? Uh, it's actually pretty steep, but, you know, I'm fairly confident. 500 points.
What charity are you running for? Uh, we actually all run for the same charity. Yeah, we donate all of our clothes.
For a thousand points and the win. Ooh, big money, big money.
Are you concerned about tonight's weather forecast? I'm not really concerned.
Oh, so close. Close to what?
Alright, let's check back in with David, our man on the street. David, what are the runners saying about tonight's race? That's a great question. I will give it a shot. Um, excuse me. Guys. Uh. Ha ha ha ha. That David, what a cut-up. Oh, we're back? Uh, great. Uh, so it's David here. Bob, thank you so much for joining us. Your final score was 334 points. I thought this was an interview. Ha ha. Oh, Bob. David, any last words?
Am I supposed to have an earpiece? Because I don't. From all of us here at CollegeHumor, thank you so much for watching and enjoy. The Act Sunday Run Challenge. |
dropout | google_earth_guys | we're done we did it all every street in the world awesome job not quite done yet we just need you guys to do one more thing and that's photograph the entire planet from every angle at every altitude Amy can you get these guys two waters to bottle waters cool all right so we'll see you when you get back awesome okay later guys I gotta go I gotta take a call it's freezing look right down there we could probably see mr. and mrs.
Claus making toys for kids that's the other pole okay so look down there you can probably see the devil you're right these buildings are detailed oh man look in that window it's a hot girl doing her wow she's beautiful how many chances do two guys have to be in a balloon watching that happen on a tabletop it's a rare condition in this day and age I want to see Urkel I know he's down there I can smell him like nose is bleeding that was weird Mike you hang it I gotta go don't hang one off the side we have no toilet paper oh god oh went right in that cave these colors don't run oh well you have it running down your leg oh here we are North Korea axis of asshole let's let's cool out here this is kind of actually dangerous territory it's got a crazy these guys all crazy oh sorry I didn't know you were oh I'm just like a frozen guy with goggles here Mike you gotta be careful here might be just froze to tip my ding-dong get back in the basket okay hey Mike is this your pistol put it down I'm saving it for the USSR okay put it back in the cooler with the goose heart look at that UFO I don't think it's a UFO that's my friend Falcon hi Falcon that's my friend Falcons balloon he's not in there what so mid-october not diggy anymore good day gov nah bangas and mash deep fried ugly teeth soccer is called football it's gonna take forever it's gonna take forever let's go faster what let's go faster let's go faster Mike yeah let's just go that's great if you speed it up speed up the speed up the balloon fire fire all engines yeah whoa whoa we're going really fast we're going oh boy this is gonna make a speed oh here it comes oh man that's deep |
cracked | america_s_best_girlfriend_world_s_worst_reality_show | Hi I'm your host Sarah Thompson and my recent totally mutual breakup inspired me to invite 10 girls from across the country to compete in challenges and to finally answer the question, who is America's best girlfriend? Previously on America's Best Girlfriend. My boyfriend just got out of a really crazy relationship, so I want to prove to him that I am America's best boyfriend stealing hoe bag.
Sarah, um, I don't really understand what this has to do with the competition. It's too cold. Go back. Where's everybody else? I told you. Okay, they were eliminated and you will be too if I can't see myself in those f***ing toenails. Sorry, Sarah. Oh, you think you're hot, but clearly you're not. Do number two or get off the paw, Tori.
So the producers, they leave me notes with clues for the next challenge. You know sometimes they rhyme and then sometimes they're riddles and then sometimes they do this weird thing where they call me Dr. Sluttenstein and they accuse me of date rape.
But you know it's all part of the game. Rise and shine. Butt wipe. Ow! Sarah's the host and she's kind of like a mentor to me. She's tough, but I know it's because she really wants me to succeed. You're gonna like the theme this week. It's poop.
For your final challenge, you will have three hours to create a work of art that a surprise guest will judge later tonight. So sculpt! Down your eyes! My ex Josh took me to a pottery class on our first date and this is what we made together. My mom's a pottery teacher and I've been sculpting professionally now for I think like 10 years.
No, no, no, no. What is that? A toilet? No.
I'm just sketching out some ideas. I'm gonna draw a tee-pee here.
Get it? For poop. Get it? Which is what this is.
Shut up!
Our special guest judge is here! Oh! Sarah, what the hell is going on? I mean what kind of pottery related emergency could you possibly be in the midst of?
And why are you with my girlfriend? Hey sweetie. Hey Pookie. You know her? Yeah, she's the love of my life. Straining word. Wait, she's the one who loved you unconditionally and was so pretty and sexy and sparkly and shiny hair.
Do you hate them? That's the one. And now our special guest judge Josh will look at our art and decide which one of us he regrets not giving a second chance to. And which one of us is a total skank? Oh, Danielle. This is so un-classy and you did this on purpose. What's wrong with you? Is that gross Josh?
You know what the face actually really looks like her. This is, this is pretty amazing.
I tricked you! I did this one. He likes my art. I win. Reminds me how beautiful you are. I win! Let's get out of here. You got a kitten showing up. I do. I have an art showing up. I win!
You need to get help. We did it guys. I got published. Soren Radica. Right there on your bookshelf at your local grocery store and airport. Obsession untamed. Look for it.
That's me. Photoshopped the body to make me look a little less strong. Couldn't fit the entire thing on the cover. |
CrackerMilk | call_the_nutbusters | Hello everyone and welcome back to oh, sorry. I almost forgot.
Hey come in Goobs finally on oh, he's hot get out. What the fuck? Chew it chew it the more it goes away. What's up? What happened? You put it wasabi peonies, man Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast. Yeah, very good. Look I've got an issue Yeah, what's up?
I looked at the budget and We're in dirt. What what do you say? Marine, we're in dirt watching What have you done? What have you done?
Just relax. I put 500 different versions of blue eyes white dragon five different versions Okay, I need three to make blue eyes ultimate dragon How the fuck am I going to do that if I accidentally lose a card that leaves you with 200 left over? That's not a sound invest, right? We don't have any money and so we have to take up a side hustle, okay, and I'm sorry about it But we do. All right. What is it? Ghostbusted Wow, I had the same thought almost as if we planned it before we shot this I was thinking we're good Busted yeah, that's good.
We've done it.
Stop Himself, he's gonna set a tabby shoulder Oh Good job Strange Hmm. It's me Dan Aykroyd. Oh, hey, Dan Aykroyd and look look, it's Sigourney Weaver She was in the first Ghostbusters Wow, that's right the one that was the whole one would do she was the one that got possessed I was in that movie. I'm Dan Aykroyd and look Connors gonna turn into Connor and we're all here Ready to bust ghosts. Are you guys prepared? I'm gonna bust some ghost nuts.
Do you know who Sigourney Weaver is? Yeah, look, I just who is she? What's she she's me. What is she?
What is Sigourney Weaver business Busters? What are the films every other film? What is she in she is in Is she in the fucking that movie with the werewolves and the vampires not not Twilight like the vampire What is it called underworld? No, she's not an underworld. That's I'm thinking of someone else. Have you seen any movie with Sigourney Weaver?
Yes. Oh, we're getting the call. Hang on. Hello Hello Hey, yeah, what's going on? I do you have an issue?
Yeah, you the nutbusters no mate mate where the ghostbusters do you have a problem with any spirits That's a nut that needs to be busted in the Empire State Building. My balls are so blue they've become two flying beings that are starting in markets in grocery stores. That sounds like an emergency nut. Sorry, sorry, we just need to get the facts right here So you you've busted such a massive nut your balls have gone blue and turned into two floating Spirit testicles.
Is that correct? Empire State Building Yeah, but they look like the Olsen twins. That's the only problem. So no one's stopping them from messing stuff up.
Alright, let's get in the car and turn on the siren We still got the siren on Hang on hang on I made a wrong turn. Hang on. Let me just three point turn There we go, and we'll just get in there we go and we're off again. Here we go And we're here at the Empire State Building Now what floor? Oh sorry Turn the siren off. There we go Now what floor are we on?
Okay Sigourney Weaver let's go and Dan Aykroyd come with us Is there a ghost inside you? I just hiccuped and burped at the same time Is it? Well there they are the Olsen twins They're in the deli Get your gun out Caitlin Olsen I think that's one of my names I'm a ghost Of Nutmas Past What does being a ghost of Nutmas Past mean? It's like Christmas Past But all the nuts you've done Go on Like all the times that you've been on I'll put her in here she goes Okay we've only got one more I'm glad she didn't reveal any of the pornography that you watched Connor Yeah that would have been bad Holy shit the other Olsen twins Before she talks about my porn Caitlin Olsen That's also my name Hey Sigourney could I have a quick word with you Yeah sure can what's up Sigourney so here's all Here's the search history for Connor What are you guys talking about over there? Nothing nothing don't worry So just on this laptop here we see Mr Hands Fucks Man in the stables Parts 1 through 5 Is there a 6th part of this? I feel like there has been a 6th part What he does have though he also He has Monsters University Like Monsters Inc when they go to university X-rated And so that's Sully Sorry I'll just chime in I can't hear you Do you want to explain that? Do you want to explain how you've been watching Sully fuck Mike Wazowski Yeah look I'm going to be honest As the ghost of Nutmas Past Do you have any Do you want to repent that Wow I see the error of my ways I don't need to repent if no one finds out Don't cross the stream I don't know what to do Thanks Dan Sigourney Weaver Dan Aykroyd You know a secret about me I'd like to know some secrets about you If that's ok Dan would you like to share your biggest secret My biggest secret is I think we need to invest very heavily In crystal skull vodka That's my secret I have no vested interest In crystal skull vodka And I think we should all invest money in it Are you one of the people that own crystal skull vodka No I Dan Aykroyd do not own crystal skull vodka It just says here That you Dan Aykroyd Co-owner of crystal skull vodka Since 1995 Weirdly enough It got me Sigourney would you like to share a secret I went on an expedition a couple of years back To where? Underground kind of like base It was like this weird thing I was just looking for artifacts and stuff Are you like Indiana Jones I was talking about the abyss I came across this Don't give him that much credit I came across this little beast That like jumped on my face Ok you're aware that alien Alien happened in space But there are aliens here as well I've seen them I've fucking seen them My favourite part of this podcast is you Trying to figure out What Sigourney did in movies Look ok I've seen them There was a fucking little alien that fucked my face And I feel like I've got eggs in me And they're gonna come out And I'm scared Hello hello You get those awesome twins done Yeah mate they're all sorted in our little box Yeah I've got another job for you I forgot to tell you this This ghost Look to be honest You probably used 9mm on the Olsen twins You're gonna have to use .45 on this motherfucker The Sigourney Weaver Fucking ghost didn't even realise I just need to clarify We're talking about the same person here What has Sigourney Weaver been in?
James Cameron's Avatar You've got Alien That's pretty common knowledge Yeah very obvious She's also in Oat Studios films Done by the guy who directs District 9 She's been in a few of those One of my best Ok just to clarify You can't shoot ghosts with real bullets Not sure where you got No you can Big ghost industry tells you not to use bullets Ahh of course The big ghost is in the corporate Yeah we'll get right to that No worries Well thanks mate we'll sort that out That'll be $15,000 What an idiot Sigourney you're not a ghost are you Like if you were a ghost Sigourney you'd know what films you're in Now Sigourney Now that we've clarified that you're not a ghost I'd just like to know why the fuck you're floating above the fucking floor cunt Where are your legs? Why are you transparent? And why are you a ghost? An obvious misconception I'm actually I've Ahh And we sucked her in Yeah Hey thanks for watching this episode of the Crackermore Podcast We were Ghostbusters And today you're all the Xenomorphs from Alien Just so you know like obviously Elias knows a lot about Scony Weaver It's just a bit Elias her biggest film That is an alien |
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