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SaturdayNightLive | update_lou_dobbs_saturday_night_live | Now, here to explain his departure is Lou Dobbs. good to see you, Lou. Seth, it was with a heavy heart that I tendered my resignation. But this summer, I was given a choice. either I could stop ranting and raving about insane anti-immigration conspiracy theories, or I could leave Cnn. And, Seth, to me, that's no choice at all. don't get me wrong, it's hard to leave.
But in recent years, it's become clear that the C in Cnn is not the letter C, but rather the Spanish word C, meaning yes. as in, yes, the Mexicans are coming, and they're here to stay. Now, I, of course, wish only the best of my replacement, John King, aka Juan King. let's not kid ourselves, Seth. he claims he's American, but he's got that Latin tinge. with that fancy haircut, the well-tailored suits, possibly purchased with drug money. alas, mine is an all-too-familiar predicament for so many Americans being forced out of their job in favor of cheap immigrant labor. John King is not a Latino. Well, whether you admit it or not, Seth, the Latin takeover of news is happening, and not just at Cnn. last time I checked, the programming on Telemundo was 99% in Spanish.
Shocking, Seth. No, it's not that shocking.
Look, what's important is that I'm going on to a better place, a venue more commensurate with my talents, like the radio, or the roof of my house, where I often stand for hours at a time gripping a Bb gun and screaming racial epithets at anyone who gets too close to my lawn. In closing, goodbye, hardworking Americans. Now, now, don't cry. no tears for old Lou. I don't need any of your unseemly Mediterranean displays of emotion. Just know that I won't rest until all of us, not just the illegals, have the opportunity to sell oranges along the side of the highway. that's my America, Seth.
Lou Doves, everyone. Show us your birthday. thank you for giving us the pleasure. Lou Doves. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_moments_of_wonder_next_time_compilation | Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking what are these and why are they everywhere? Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be finding out how all these little floors make it easier to get between the big floors. Next week on Moments of Wonder, I'll be finding out where clouds go at night. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking where your lap goes when you stand up. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking why there's more water in a tap than you'd expect. Next week on Moments of Wonder, I'll be finding out what's the heaviest month of the year. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking who lives in here and what do they want. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be finding out where do fists come from. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking where did these robots come from.
Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking why do we cry when it's the onions that are getting hurt. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking why is the world's hair such a weird color. Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking if air is really there, how come we can't grab it? |
dropout | the_honest_after_prom_party_anthem | Yo, it's that time of year again, the time where juniors and seniors everywhere start prepping for prom, and also some cooler sophomores and freshmen. Even Tara's boyfriend, a college sophomore, is coming back. You know the night's not over once Villa Bianca's waitstaff kicks us out of the banquet hall to start prepping for a modest wedding the following evening, cause me and my committee got after prom covered. We're about to make your dreams come true. Step up inside this gymnasium, looking around, it's more like an amazement.
We got face paints, illustrators too, we don't care that Brad didn't invite us to his party. I didn't want to go. Chris is here, and so is Patrice, man they're looking so fine, so is this quiche. Shout out to my mom for prepping the snack booth, shout out to Presto for being a good zoo. Mike take off this bow tie and put on this shirt, paints taken lead design by my main man, Kurt. Can't believe my boy planned a party like this, post prom 2016, sing it Chris.
Take off his shoes and have some of his cheese balls, there's no alcohol, but there's plenty of friends, good old fashioned fun in a suburban location, when Kelly's phone dies is when the music will end. I'm back, we're sipping on drink, bout to hit up the dance floor, but what's that stank? Oh snap, it's the bog machine, I forgot to just instab by one of those, what's up Mr. Schwartz. Dance moves, I'll put them to the test, don't release, I'll try, I hope they're impressed, spot five lovely ladies, out of my peripheral, wait another gun, I'm probably too cool for the post prom party joker, you can call me ball stab, you know the dude from Shakespeare or Mrs. Thumbflass, you don't dance, it's no hassle, take off your shoes and get in this castle. But be respectful right, so we want to get that deposit back. Take off your shoes and get into this castle, I thought we'd already ask you to take off your shoes, take them off, we don't need a non-post prom party, when Kelly's phone dies is when the music will end. Ladies feet, so blitzed from heels, so take those things off, and come spin this wheel, left hand on red, right leg on blue, contorting like a presser, what's up people I recently met, who apparently in my grave, what's up, I thought you moved, talking to retries, you know I'm feeling cooler, we get too close, moms there with a ruler, all good, we'll eat quiche together, shout out to mom for bringing this sweater, it's 2am, the night's far from over, time to gear up for a game of red rover, I'll be talking about this night with my fraternity, will we do post prom, we'll echo in eternity, I'm okay. Take off your shoes and rejoice in this freedom, our parents are here, but they're still fairly cool, I just saw Josh's mom, cause loose on the dance floor, when Kelly's phone dies is when the music will end, with your hands in the sky, this is your post prom anthem, there are other parties tonight, but nothing compares, it's crazy how well these t-shirts turned out current, so shout out to you, for handling that. Okay guys, Kelly's phone just died, so we're gonna pack it in a little early, thank you all for coming, Ben and I worked really hard on the party, oh and remember to put your shoes on, some people from Brad's party were smashing glass in the parking lot, I hate Brad. Visit BenZach.com to grab a coupon and start taking control of your skin today. |
SaturdayNightLive | eyes_snl | All right guys, Focus. Denver is counting us to come up with new slogan for the city. Okay. how about Denver Skies the Limit? that's good. That's really good. All right. I was thinking Denver, gateway to the Rockies. All right. now we're talking.
Oh, who even cares? Jenny knew you've had a bad attitude all morning. What's the problem?
Oh nothing. nothing. it's just that nobody noticed, noticed what. Nobody noticed.
I got my eyes replaced. Yeah, I mean we definitely noticed we had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door. Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest to be pretended we didn't see it.
But since you brought it up, why did you do this, Jenny? This is ridiculous. Nobody's asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack. I literally didn't.
Oh My. God. Good for you, Janine!
I can't help but feel you made a grave mistake. Oh, don't worry about it. it's totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh, I can't see your guys's reaction right now. I can't read facial expressions. Wait, your eyes are worse now. Yes, 100% Then why did you do it to improve my appearance? But it looks worse everybody. sorry, I'm late.
Hey Carl. what do you think? My new eyeballs and I'm going straight to church Guys, Come on. Seriously, let's focus up. Okay. we got a lot of business to take care of. Okay, hey, how about this?
Denver City of Angels? That's Los Angeles. Oh My. God. are you serious? Oh My. God. No. yeah, that's famously Los Angeles.
Don't be mean to me. Okay, I can't cry because the tears go back inside my head and my brain will drown. Your brain will drown.
What are you talking about? What? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. today. You all put a woman's body on trial. you brought it up. You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches pitches like Denver City of Angels, Denver, Keep Austin Weird. You know, we can't use that.
So I quit and I'm leaving. not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance, and class. And I'm gonna be taking my portfolio with me. that's coffee Cake. And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew.
Oh, oh my God. here you look amazing. See how easy that was to pay a compliment to a friend Jenny? That's not a human being. that's a water cooler.
I'll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast and if you blink, you just might miss it. I'm not gonna miss a thing. So Denver, if you blink, you'll miss it. Yeah, I love that one. that's really good. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_be_a_real_man_in_three_easy_steps | Are you easily frightened? Are you tired of being called a coward by your mean mean wife? Are you tired of trying to prove to others that you're a man, but deep down, you know you're just trying to prove it to yourself?
Are you tired?
Then we've got the service for you! Hi! I'm Bing Mexico! And I'm his brother Mexico!
And we'll bring the spice back to your life, while holding a knife to your life! Hold on, allow us to explain. Step one. You hire us to pretend to attack your wife. You don't really make her think we're deranged salesmen who will do anything for money! And we mean anything! Step two. Before anything actually happens, you swoop in and beat us to a pulp! Don't just pretend. Really let us have it! Use the rage you feel when a certain someone says, you don't make as much money as Daniel! You'll never be a ventriloquist like Daniel! Heated us like we're Daniel! Step three. Once you've convincingly beat us off, you'll go from zero to hero to Robert De Niro! Are we talking to you?
That's right! You get paid! And you get laid!
Our patented process is sure to make your lady say, Help! The only screams louder than hers will be our own! When you swoop in to break our shins!
Strike us as hard as you want! Don't spare us any pain! You can hit us with a bar! Hit us at the club! Hit us at the bar! Hit us with a club!
Don't be shy! We don't care if we die! But all our hits are misses when we go to hit your misses! And if not? No worries!
Our hands are baby soft! Oh, and that's right, ladies! We terrorize husbands, too! Equality is important to us.
That's why our motto is, We'll threaten any race! If you order now, we won't just do assault! We'll throw in battery for free! Yeah, we'll throw any battery at you! A. D. Car! We'll chuck a charge so you feel in charge!
What do you know, Mexico? Huh? You couldn't even satisfy your wife. Mexico? How did you say that without moving your mouth? A puppet? DANNO!
Participating customers must have a marital spouse present in order to solicit the aforementioned service. You can't just beat us up.
Hey guys, it's Frank here with an exclusive offer. If you like and subscribe, we'll let you watch all of our videos for free! That's a great deal! You're not going to get this anywhere else!
Also, we have a subreddit now. We know you have a Reddit account, so stop pretending! Hey, did you just hit that woman? |
cracked | why_kickstarter_is_not_the_future_of_movies | My name is Alec Gillis, I am the co-owner of Amalgamated Dynamics Inc, which is a practical creature effects studio. I'm also the writer, director, and producer of Harbinger Down, a sci-fi horror film that is an homage to the great films of the 80s, specifically The Thing.
Kickstarter did give me the ability to be my own man. Instead of us just hoping that something would change, we were able to go to people to say, here's how you can affect that change. Having said that, there are some parameters that come into play because it is Kickstarter, so in a way, you know, it's like the Bob Dylan song, you're going to have to serve somebody. We've been in the movie business for over 30 years, and we're feeling cast aside by the system. CDI had done creature effects for The Thing 2011, and they ended up going mostly digital after we had shots and very sophisticated, beautiful animatronic makeup effects. In response to fans questioning what happened, we said, well, you know, we don't exactly know, but here's the work that we did, we put up a five minute video, and it got a tremendous response. That's when we started kind of becoming aware that there was a community of people out there who are practical effects fans. I might have said to an Alec, have you considered crowdfunding, you know, because Alec is trying to direct movies for years and years. I think I might have planted the seed. I might want to take credit for that. Since our success with Harbinger Down, I've had a couple of producers sort of go, hey, Kickstarter, easy money.
And I'm like, this is not easy money. I wish that we had prepared a lot better for the campaign. We sort of ran into it, guns blazing without much forethought.
There are strings attached. It's taking, you know, the team here longer than it's taken to make the movie, do the post, to fulfill all the rewards. We have 3,000 backers, and on average, each backer gets about three prizes. I think it's a little more than that, but they get about three prizes, which means 10,000 prizes that we have to fulfill. Signing of posters, signing of script covers.
I think I wrote something different on every single one, just because I wanted it to be, you know. Yeah, he actually did. I remember that. I'm sorry if I didn't do it the same. I remember he was writing these specific, heartfelt things, and I was like, wow.
After everything's said and done with Amazon fees and all the prizes, you owe roles to people. You're the product placement, you know, or whatever. We have a company that bought the mention to showing their logo on the screen. So I had to integrate these elements into the structure of the story.
Cinema makeup school, only in America.
Kickstarter's funny because it kind of becomes an obsession or an addiction for those 30 days that you're doing it. People get really excited, and they get swept up in the heat of the moment, and they are willing to promise anything in order to meet the goal. You're watching, you know, and they're like, oh my God, we flatlined, add more prizes.
So he's like, I don't know what, like, we'll kill you. How about that one? We'll kill you, and you get to keep your fake body. We had one taker for the We'll Kill You prize, and then another one came in right after the fact and said, did I miss it? And at that point, I hadn't written the script yet, so I was like, you know what? There's a second, we'll kill you.
Which is not unlike the hoops that you have to jump through on studio films either. They're just of a different nature.
We could not have set our goal so high if we didn't have something of a following already. We did the pitch video here, making use of, you know, this million dollar room and our awesome animatronic gorilla, which, you know, that's something we have. We probably put the whole campaign together for around 25,000 bucks.
Can I tell you something that I pray is not true? I'm telling you right now, I do not represent the following comments.
There was a very famous Kickstarter campaign that involved a pre-existing intellectual property that had been out in the public and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I remember thinking at the time, these guys don't have the rights to that. I don't think, I don't think all rights have reverted back to the original creator. Well, I have heard from certain masked people who are backlit and have their voices altered that the Kickstarter campaign was actually ginned up by the studio because the studio didn't really want to fund the thing themselves. So the studio is putting money into the Kickstarter to get it going and get it exciting.
And that to me feels wickedly corporate. On the other hand, is that so bad? Like, and how is it different than what I do?
Harbinger Downe was not fully funded by Kickstarter. The lion's share of the budget came from Sultan Saeed Al-Dumarkey and Dark Dunes. We raised $380,000 after you take out the Kickstarter fees and Amazon fees and when you factor in shipping and all the prizes and all that stuff. We roughly had about $200,000 from Kickstarter, right? Sultan brought in more money. My joke is if it had just been the Kickstarter money, it would have been Lance Henriksen in the supply closet with tentacles coming under the door. Will studios start using crowdfunding for their own diabolical purposes?
If they can, sure they will. I think what it gets down to is that the public has to be able to sniff it out. They have to become sophisticated enough to sense the authenticity of it. I think when I stood in this room and made the pitch, people saw the authenticity.
I will write and direct a film that utilizes, celebrates practical creature effects. There will not be a single digital creature in this film, and I'll bring to bear all of the talent and ingenuity of ADI's best creature effects artists.
And I want you, the fans, to know that you've inspired this effort. So please, through Kickstarter, help support our efforts to make the kind of movie that you want to see. Thanks for watching our documentary about Kickstarter.
Special thanks to Alec Gales and the entire Harbinger Down crew for being so open about their experience and showing their awesome studio to us. You can go see Harbinger Down on August 7th if you're in Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Phoenix, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston, Detroit, or Chicago. And you can download it on video on demand if you don't live in those places. Please like and comment on the other things that we always ask you to do at the end of every video.
Bye! Right after the fact and said, did I miss it? And at that point, I hadn't written the script yet, so I was like, you know what? There's a second we'll kill you.
Which is not unlike the hoops that you have to jump through on studio films, either. They're just of a different nature.
We could not have set our goal so high if we didn't have something of a following already. We did the pitch video here, making use of, you know, this million dollar room and our awesome animatronic gorilla, which, you know, that's something we have. We probably put the whole campaign together for around 25,000 bucks.
Can I tell you something that I pray is not true? I'm telling you right now, I do not represent the following comments. There was a very famous Kickstarter campaign that involved a pre-existing intellectual property that had been out in the public and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I remember thinking at the time, these guys don't have the rights to that. I don't think. I don't think all rights have reverted back to the original creator.
Well, I have heard from certain masked people who are backlit and have their voices altered that the Kickstarter campaign was actually ginned up by the studio because the studio didn't really want to fund the thing themselves. So the studio is is putting money into the Kickstarter to get it to get it going and get it exciting.
And that to me feels wickedly corporate. On the other hand, is that so bad? Like, and how is it different than what I did?
Harbinger Downe was not fully funded by Kickstarter. The lion's share of the budget came from Sultan Said, Aldo Markey and Dark Dunes. We raised three hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Whether you take out the Kickstarter fees and Amazon fees and when you factor in shipping and all the prizes and all that stuff, we roughly had about two hundred thousand dollars from Kickstarter, right? Sultan brought in more money. My joke is if it had just been the Kickstarter money, it would have been Lance Henriksen in the supply closet with tentacles coming under the door. Will studios start using crowdfunding for their own diabolical purposes?
If they can, sure they will. I think what it gets down to is that the public has to be able to sniff it out. They have to become sophisticated enough to sense the authenticity of it. I think when I stood in this room and made the pitch, people saw the authenticity.
I will write and direct a film that utilizes, celebrates practical creature effects. There will not be a single digital creature in this film, and I'll bring to bear all of the talent and ingenuity of ADI's best creature effects artist.
And I want you, the fans, to know that you've inspired this effort. So please, through Kickstarter, help support our efforts to make the kind of movie that you want to see. Thanks for watching our documentary about Kickstarter.
Special thanks to Alec Gales and the entire Harbinger Down Crew for being so open about their experience and showing their awesome studio to us. You can go see Harbinger Down on August 7th if you're in Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Phoenix, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston, Detroit, or Chicago. And you can download it on video on demand if you don't live in those places.
Please like and comment on the other things that we always ask you to do at the end of every video. Bye! |
dropout | hardly_working_scooch | Guys the bathroom here is a privilege.
Twice as much as number one. Number two is just going to clog the toilet flow and clog the work flow.
I think I'm going to scootch a little bit more. Yeah, that's fantastic. Keep going with the scootching. Keep scooting.
When I built this company with my bare hands. Yes, sir. What I just did was screw. Using the motor and the documentary. I literally built this company.
Sorry, you know what?
One more scootch ought to do it. A little more scootching. Hey guys, scootch. Yeah, I'm just not totally in, so if you can scootch over a little bit more. Okay, is that enough? Uh, yeah, no, it's not going to do it. Mmm, just a teensy scootch more. Seriously, just scootch over and let me in, okay?
It's not that hard. I'll get urges at work so I understand fully if you need to take a number three. Okay, I'm literally out of my nerves. All right, dude, how's that? You good? Uh, yeah, it'll do. One more order of business. Guess we're working here now.
Sorry, boss, did we move offices because Pat was late to the meeting? No, we moved because the toilets were clogged.
Like I said before, if you're going to do number two, just do number one. Sometimes I have to do a number two, though. Then just do two number ones. |
dropout | fake_news_investigative_journalists | Maybe Africa is Atlantis. I've always thought about Atlantis.
Okay, people. What have you got for me? So, I have been working on this story about how Harry Reid is a murdering, sanest, fascist, rapist, atheist. Is that too many things? I don't think that's enough things. Chris, what have you got?
Uh, Donald Trump says what? It's a good start. What does he say? I don't know. Alright, we'll figure it out by two and it better not be true this time. Oh, come on. Everything the guy says sounds fake.
That's not my problem, Terry. I'm looking on a story on conflicts of interest in government. Why? No, Terry, I looked at your earlier work on this piece. I don't think there's not a story there. How can you say that?
There's barely anything here. It's almost all fake. No, this is thoughtful journalism and I'm looking for sub-tabloid schlock. I just wrote five stories.
This? This is what I'm looking for. Can you do that for me for once? Thank you. Peter, take a look at this. Where did you get this? I made it up. Holy shit.
How deep does this thing go? As deep as you want.
My God. Okay. Change of plans, people. I want everyone working this Pope corruption beat. What about my conflict of interest story?
Oh, what about it, Terry? What about it?
This isn't the times for Christ's sake. This is PatriotNews.info. We don't have a reputation to uphold.
Look at those awards. You see that? A lot of sweat and blood went into photoshopping those awards. This story could define my career. Oh, your career. This is bigger than you, kid.
Why'd you get into fake news in the first place? Honestly, I don't know. It's crazy that it exists.
Well, I'll tell you why I do it. I do this because I believe the truth is powerful. And it takes constant vigilance to drown out that truth with noise. I do this because the powerless deserve a voice. And maybe that voice should be a crazy wackadoo, coped up conspiracy theorist meth head with a bad sense of humor. I do this because I believe that politicians should be held accountable for the things we say they did, whether or not they actually did those things. You're a fake newsman. Start acting like one.
I don't have sources. What did you say? Sources. Hundreds of them.
All of them totally non-existent. I don't have quotes from named figures. I don't have peer-reviewed studies. I even don't have video evidence. And none of it points to a worldwide conspiracy of the highest institutions of power.
Including you, Pete. Piss off a lot of people running a story like that. Which would probably get us a lot of clicks, so we can give some shit.
I know! I know so many clicks! Yeah! Clicks!
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
cracked | the_origins_of_the_snorg_tees_ads | Alright boys, brand development. What do you got? Well, sir, I've given it a lot of thought, and I think with some well-timed cross-promotions and some popular film- Na-na-na-na-na-na-na, ladies and gentlemen! We're both gentlemen, did you want to go first?
What's the one thing our site lacks? The one thing that all our users want, but we don't deliver!
Michael, I already told you, computers don't have mounds, it's not a technology- Drumroll, please! Drumroll, please! And symbols!
Lady and Chief, I propose that we buy, bear with me, a boat. And that we keep bearing with me, crash it. Are we still bearing with you? Do you need to be? Hello? A boat? And we crash it? Crashed.com?
Sir, I apologize, I really should have reviewed his proposal beforehand. Look, I've got an alligator to debone for lunch. Bottom line me here. Well, sir, for my part, I need a little bit of seed money just to get the ball rolling. I'd like to put together a small team who could focus on producing video content related to upcoming films, branded banners, splashes, that sort of thing. I would need as much as one boat cost. Also, if we could get it before the President's speech next week at the pier, I have a great idea for how we can maximize our PR blast radius.
Fine. Good.
Can I get you to the PR plan or the assassination plot? We'll need sponsors to get the money. Take my phone book, set up a meeting with some likely candidates, and sell them some ad space. And make sure to tell them it's the Chief calling.
Think you can handle that? Can do, sir. Did you want me to leave this stuff here? Sure. Leave the boat, too. Really? You like the boat? I kinda like the boat. Now get the hell out of here before I get bored and make you kiss each other. Yes. Okay.
Thank you very much, Mr. Pepsi. I will tell him that. Wow. That is amazing. They all tried to put me on hold, but as soon as I mentioned the Chief, I had patched her right through to the head of the company.
The Doritos guy was crying. Rupert Murdoch had a seizure. It was awful.
What did you do? I called Steve Buscemi, but his agent picked up. I was really threatening, though, so maybe he'll show. Dude, he's got everyone. Check it. Garfield. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe he means the President, Garfield. Did you call it? Texted, Garfield can't talk. Because of the Thoppeloo's. No, because he died in 1881, retard. And you texted him? Yeah. Told him to bring out he.
Let me see that. This is incredible. He's got Kelly Wheeler in here. Is that the nurse or the kitten? It was the first girl I ever had sex with.
We were the fighting hogs. The fighting hogs? You lost your virginity to a giant pig. Those silken hogs.
And that tail. That fucking tail.
What's her number? You're gonna call her?
Dan, I've phoned a lot of things in my day, but never a pig, at least not on my own terms. Plus, if she's used to Danburger, I'll be like prime rib wrapped around another prime rib on top of a Danburger. I don't think I'd understand that metaphor exactly. Best friend's threesome.
Oh, she hung up. Well, the meeting's about to start. I've been in the church so long enough. You're not even wearing a watch. No? Meeting's not for two hours. Wait. Okay, okay. They're gonna call in in about 30 seconds.
I spent the last two hours setting up this PowerPoint presentation, getting the phones all hooked up. Uh, have you done anything at all? As a matter of fact, I used an admin account in a remote terminal to log in and fix your boring PowerPoint.
What? How do you even know how to do that? I don't know.
You should thank me, though. I really jazzed it up.
Hello? Jesus, okay. It's like solving for two minutes. I need to see if you know how I'm on it. Hello?
Konnichiwa, bitches. Welcome to the Crash.com advertising extravaganza.
What? Oh, what is this? What? It's all on my ancestor. What is this?
This is unacceptable. I was promised for lasagna.
Welcome. Thank you for joining us, esteemed representatives of potential cracked advertising partners. We've got a lot to talk about today, but first, I've given you all access to our mainframe, so you should be able to see our PowerPoint presentation. So, let's just get into it, then. Okay.
Is this some kind of show? Are you guys doing something on your end? Uh, hello? Is them all or is that it? Ah, they're interesting. Now, those are impressive. If I could get that graph on my desktop. As you can see, we've got a... What? I don't understand. It's called Makeup Home.
It's gonna be worse if it were on a Monday. Sir, I'm trying. I can't turn it off. This thing isn't even plugged in. Michael is a hacker, apparently. Sir, I'd like to point out that this was not a total failure. One of the gentlemen who teleconferenced in was looking for a phone sex chat line, and I'm pretty sure we could get $14.99 a month off him if you'll just let me bone Dan's filthy pig lover on the computer table.
Kelly is not filthy. She is pure.
And you don't even... No. I will not allow it. No.
He's right. I don't need the city on our asses about cruelty to animals. Dan, no pig fucking on company time. She's an engineer for cr... Fine, whatever. Is that it? Uh, we did get one advertiser in here. We're not running banners for an abortion clinic. But I already designed it. Aw, fetus foul. The Snork tease people said they'd stay on. How are we supposed to finance an empire with one measly advertisement?
We could have them take their shirts off. It's a T-shirt company, Michael. Why would anyone do that? Which is, like, part of the way. That makes even less sense. Who would want to buy a T-shirt?
No.
I like it. |
Reductressnews | how_to_get_high_but_not_so_high_that_you_start_thinking_about_climate_change_with_lauren_lapkus | On this week's episode, we'll be talking about Terms of endearment that are disgusting unless an Italian guy is saying them, How to get high but not so high that you start thinking about climate change, and Will this iced coffee give you anxiety, diarrhea, or a will to live? And finally, I didn't come to this corn maze to make friends, read by Lauren Lapkus.
We're back after so long. So long. Well, yeah. Years. I don't think that anyone has heard from us since literal 2018. 2018. It's been a while. When I was an intern.
You couldn't legally drink? You couldn't? No. You couldn't legally host a podcast? No.
But now you can. And I tried back then, but here at Reductress, we love the law. We do. So I couldn't break it. Yeah. So fortunately, you know, those laws have evolved and you're here. We've come so far.
So we're back at The Reductress Minute, and we've got a few updates. I mean, namely, we've got new hosts. It's me, Sarah, Damien, and our contributor Madison Dillard, who you're going to meet a little later on.
She's looking right at us right now. She's smiling. Yeah, but she can't talk yet.
We got back in the office in June, right? Yeah. So, you know, after working remotely for well over a year, we got back, and it's been a huge adjustment just working in the office, even two days a week. Absolutely.
I mean, I struggle every day to be a person around other people. I mean, how has your experience been back in the office? I mean, I don't know if I've ever confessed this to you, but maybe now is the time on air.
Live, bitch. Live. This is live, by the way.
Is that like throughout lockdown, I would oftentimes sort of wake up ten to five minutes before the workday began. That's beautiful. And I think it was good because I was almost in a state between like waking and dream life. So I think I was actually more creative and better at my job.
Definitely. I mean, I like to go through half the workday, half asleep. Yeah. And then it just flies by, baby. Yes. Yeah, but we are now back in the office some days of the week, not too many.
Just the right amount. Yeah, just the right amount.
And we have like cool stuff. We have cold brew and today we got Twix. Yeah. We also have hot brew. Yes. Also known as coffee, a coffee maker, which is honestly pretty exciting for us.
I mean, I don't know. I'm drinking my second macchiato of the day that I don't need and I think it's great. I'm still literally too scared to try to use it. Oh, I'm vibrating. Awesome.
So, Damian, do you want to tell us what's been trending on Reductress lately? I was hoping that you would ask me that. Here's what's trending on Reductress lately.
Study finds doing CPR to tune of Hey Soul Sister worse than not doing CPR at all. Yeah, it actually can kill them faster, I think. It can. And it's also an interesting ethical dilemma because is it worse to watch someone die or to say my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest?
Oh, God. Yeah, that's a tough one. We also have gatekeeping. This three-headed dog won't let me into hell. Ouch.
It's just like why is it that everyone in hell is just like a cis white man? So messed up. It's so fucked up.
I'm sorry. Ugh, Cerberus, do better. Do better.
Um, more dog-related content. Mm-hmm. Aw, this dog learned to communicate with buttons and asked to die.
Oh, my God, that's so cute. This is sweet. It's amazing how far we've come.
I know, right? It was like a couple years ago, I didn't even know dogs could like want or know they exist. So it's only natural that, you know, they would eventually ask us to please kill me now. Yeah.
My existence is miserable. They're reflecting on the world around them and they don't like what they see. And can you blame them?
No. Absolutely not.
So we think that's pretty cute. So we're super excited to have a new intern this fall. She's super quirky and fun. She's actually one of those girls who will sit on the floor even when there's an available chair. Yeah. So we wanted to get her on the mic to tell us a little bit more, but, oh, my God, she's so quirky. Look at her.
She is literally sitting on the floor right now and will not get up. She refuses to sit on a chair.
Ugh, how cute is that? Addy, what are you doing down there? Ugh. Oh, she's busy. I think the shrieking is a cultural thing, like two quirky girls who sit on the floor, I mean. She's from, like, Minnesota. Ugh, I love her.
Anyway, there's one thing we love to do in the Reductress Office, and that's getting high. We're pretty much getting high all the time. So we wanted to give you some tips on how to get high, but not so high that you start to think about climate change. Right. That's a super, super important thing about getting high.
Is to not think about how the world is dying. So thanks again to Madeline Fellows for contributing here. So first off, you want to start small. Don't take an edible, then take a massive bong rip just because you can't wait for it to kick in. Have a little patience. And if you start to feel the full weight of how humans have destroyed the Earth in pursuit of profit, then you've had enough. Right, like put the bong down. Come on. Next up, you're going to want to avoid the urge to watch planet Earth. It won't be easy. No, no, like we get it. Everyone likes to get a little stoned and then watch the pretty fish, but it's like all you're going to think about is how those fish no longer have like a coral reef to hide in and then, you know, the whole ecosystem just comes crashing down and there you are having a bad trip.
And also remember that no matter what, rich people will move to Mars and be fine. That's right. No matter what happens, the rich people are going to be okay.
That's just another thing that you don't actually want to think about when you're high now that I think about it. No. Next, you're going to want to surround yourself with nature, but not too much nature because, again, there's going to be like no nature in a few years if we keep playing our cards wrong.
Yeah. So as tempting as it is to like sit in the grass and look at the sky, just like don't do it too much. Maybe just open a window. Yeah, yeah. Just like feel a little breeze.
And you're also going to want to hang out with friends who you trust to not tell you too much of the truth. Right. You know, like you want the friend who like when you're like, how do I look today? They're like, you look great. And give no other detail beyond that. A liar, a sort of liar friend. Yeah, but like, you know, a well-intentioned liar. Yeah. That's the kind of person you want to be around in this case when you're like, is everything falling apart?
They're going to be like, no. So last but not least, maybe just don't get high tonight at all. Yeah. Yeah, just don't. Take a night off. Put it down, you know. Anyway, we're all going to die, so. Yeah, so good luck toking it up tonight. We're going to take a quick break and be right back.
So, Damien, I've got some news for you. Tell me. Did you know that Reductress has a 2022 daily calendar coming out this season? I did know that because I work here. That's right.
We do have a brand new 2022 daily tearaway calendar coming out this October, and it's available for preorder on our site, ShopReductress. So if you want to order ahead in anticipation for the holiday season, you can order multiple of them and get them shipped right to you in October. So go to shop.reductress.com to preorder our calendar and see everything else that we have in the store.
You're going to love it. You're going to. One other thing we've got going on, Reductress has a show at the Bell House in Brooklyn this October 19th. That's on a Tuesday, and we've got a great lineup. It's hosted by Chanel Ali and has Mary Beth Barone, Larry Owens, Kate Willett, and Dave Mazzoni, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Killer lineup. That's right. Killer show to come. Oh, hell yes. You can get tickets at reductress.com slash events or at the bellhouse.com, and we'll see you there because we will physically be there.
You can actually stalk us if you want. Don't do it. But you could.
We're not saying do it, but also come find us. A little flattering. Yeah, yeah. We're pretty lonely, quiet people, so yeah. Welcome back. So onto the next topic.
Okay, Manic Pixie Dream Girl, you can't sit on the wall. Seriously, this is so cute, but also not safe.
Also, not to talk shit, but this morning on the elevator, I was like, Addie, how was your weekend? And her eyes literally rolled back into her head like all the way back. I could only see white, and I was like, sorry, am I boring you? That just sounds like quirky girl behavior to me. I guess.
Anyway, we've got a pretty serious topic to discuss now. Yes, and that is the fact that men can say some pretty disgusting things to women. Yeah, even when they think they're saying something nice, it can come off absolutely disgusting and offensive. Yeah, unless, you know, an Italian man is saying them.
Right, so definitely not Chris Pratt. Right, absolutely not.
So here are a couple of terms of endearment that are absolutely disgusting unless an Italian man is saying them. First off, baby. Offensive, offensive from a non-Italian. Yeah, I mean, it's just so disgusting when you're walking down the street and someone's like, hey, baby, and it's just like stupid. But, you know, let's just say you're walking in Rio Maggiore or something like that, and someone's like, a baby, a baby.
It's cute, you know? I'm just like, oh. That makes me smile. Right, right, you know?
Next up, gorgeous. Like, gorgeous, really? Don't reduce me to what I am. Am I gorgeous?
Yes, but don't say it. Don't tell me that.
Like, at least go on a date first with me before you catcall me. Yes, always start catcalling after you're dating.
Precisely. Gorgeous, this one is interesting because it's in the gray area where you might be able to pull this off if you are an Italian American. Let's say you're also walking through Staten Island and someone is like, gorgeous.
Sarah, I don't think you've been to Staten Island. No, I actually haven't.
Tell me what it's like. I think it would be like, hey, gorgeous.
Yeah, that's what they do in the movies. You're right, and it's so endearing. That's from film and life. Yes, yes. Yeah, so again, it's just like super cute, not gross.
Yes, but know your place. Know your place, exactly.
So next up we have Bellissima, which again, like, fucking gross. If someone just was like, hey, Bellissima, first of all. Weird. Ask me my pronouns first, but also if you are Italian and you say Bellissima. Bellissima.
I'm like, ah. It transcends gender. Yeah, honestly it does. I feel like it's kind of like the royal Bellissima for everyone. And also just so, so cute. Like, get over here. I want to give you a little kiss, little Italian man. There's also the classic, a bowl of spaghetti. Right, right, right.
Like, if you're in the office and a co-worker calls you a bowl of spaghetti, like they do, it's fucked up. Not appropriate. And go to HR if they do. Like, don't sell yourself short. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.
I want to slurp you up into my mouth. Will you get covered in the sauce? I want to eat you whole.
That's lovely. It's adorable. It's so, I mean, the Italians just have such a way with words. They do, they do. That's great. There's a poetry to that.
Yeah. Next up, we have sugar tits, which again, that's just like an HR violation right off the bat. One of the most disgusting things a person can say. Right. But if let's say like a medium-sized tan man in a speedo smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds is like, sugar tits, sugar tits. Yes.
Is that Italian? Does that sound Italian? Is that convincingly Italian?
I don't know. I'm picturing for some reason like a Swede now.
They would never though. They would never. Culturally. They would never even speak.
Sugar tits in Italian, by which I mean with an Italian accent. Right. Could you demonstrate? Because I'm a little bit slippy on that. Sugar tits. And that's not even, it's not sexual. You would say that to your grandma. Exactly.
And I do. She died, but I still do. And my grandmother, just for the record, is Italian, as you can tell from my extremely long last name.
Yeah. That's why it's okay for us to talk about this. Yeah. I mean like all of, whatever it is, I can't actually do an Italian accent. However, I can do one legally. So last on the list we have, it's kind of hard to put into words, but like a hand gesture. Yeah. Sarah's doing one now. And it's offensive. It is. I feel kind of dirty even doing it in the room. Yeah. It's weird. But you know, again, if someone is like doing this hand gesture, but in an Italian way, it's very sweet. And to be clear, this could be any hand gesture at all. Yeah. It really doesn't matter what. As long as it's done in an Italian way by an Italian man, it's Italian. That's exactly right. Yeah. It's kind of beautiful. So salute, or should I say- Don't salute.
Salute to all the Italian men out there who just can get away with saying some really sweet things that other people cannot. We love you, Italian men.
That's right. Do you think that we have a lot of Italian men readers of the site? That's a good question. I would say- What percentage? Okay. Because I have like very good demographic data on hand. I would say about one- One percent.
One Italian man. Oh, one Italian. Just one Italian man.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is for you, Antony. He's like making some adorable hand gestures right now.
I just know it. I know it.
When I was like a teenager, I was like 18, my mom made me go on a date with, she made me go out with like the cousin of our neighbor from Italy. He was from Rome and I had to like take him out and like show him America. But he was like a little older.
What a big task. No, it really, really was. And this is like not a joke. No.
I took him to like an old timey ice cream shop on Cape Cod. Okay. And he didn't order anything and I just ordered like a small ice cream. And he took it out of my hand, apropos of nothing, he took it out of my hands and started like putting ice cream around my mouth and started licking it off.
And I shit you not, I shit you not, his name was Giuseppe, which is just like, and I'm like, Giuseppe, we can't do this here in America. Giuseppe, please. Giuseppe was so cute and adorable and it was totally fine that he did it. And I had no problem with it whatsoever.
Here at Reductress, we love to help answer the hard questions. And probably the most common question we get asked by our readers is, can I have a will to live please? We constantly get this question. And the answer is maybe. We don't know.
Have a cup of coffee or something? So fortunately, we do have a huge box of cold brew here in the office.
But the problem with that is like, how do you know if it will give you massive anxiety, diarrhea or a will to live? It's a total toss up on my end. Absolutely.
But we brought in our fellow host, Madison, and gave her a big ol' cup so that we can find out. Hey, Madison. Hi. So we know you're not like a big coffee drinker, but I mean, how do you feel about having a cup of cold brew?
I'm ready for it. I'm excited. I need it. Yeah, I hear that. It's the afternoon.
We're all a little tight tight. We need a pick me up. But it's kind of hard to know if that coffee is going to actually like, you know, give you a will to live or just kind of make you shit your pants.
Right. So we have a couple questions here that we're going to ask you and we're going to figure out, you know, if this coffee is going to give you anxiety, going to give you the shits or, you know, actually give you some kind of strength to like finish the work day. Okay, cool. Awesome.
So what did you put in your coffee? I kind of just took the cold brew and I'm going to just drink it straight up. Just straight up. So you're taking it black.
Okay. All right.
Strong. Something to know. Strong choice.
And what are you eating with it? I got like a muffin from the farmer's market that was around here.
So I'm hoping that kind of softens the blow. We'll see. Yeah. And are you going to drink like all of that? Yeah, that's what I was thinking about doing. Yeah.
Are you sure about that? Yeah, I think I'm sure. She seems sure. She's, I mean, okay.
All right, so we have a little rubric here. We're just going to do some quick calculations. Yeah, putting all of this into account.
So that's black cold brew. It's going to be running straight through the system. Right through the system. Meeting up with just a muffin, kind of some simple carbs and sugars.
Right. Yeah. Right.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, Madison.
It looks like you're just going to have anxiety in the shits for the rest of the day. Okay, that's fine with me, honestly. You still have to stay at work. Yeah, that's awesome. And we are going to dock your pay every time you go to the bathroom.
We're going to count how long you're gone and just calculate accordingly. Yeah, like every time you leave the room, we're going to be like, one, two, three. Yeah, we're timing it with Sarah counting. Yeah, yeah, I'm just running the clock.
Yeah. Well, I can hold it. Okay, cool, cool. Awesome, awesome. All right, cool.
Thanks, guys. Yeah, thanks so much for being on. Thank you. You're the best. That was super enlightening.
So it's currently fall and we all know what the law says about fall.
You have to pick your apples and do a corn maze or else you'll lose the giant reality competition called life. So that's why we plucked one of our favorite Reductress pieces called I didn't come to this corn maze to make friends, read by Lauren Lapkus. And here it is. I didn't come to this corn maze to make friends. Every time I come to a corn maze, my friends make the same fatal mistake. They try to keep things light and fun inside the corn maze. Well, now that we're out of the Zipcar we rented to take us to beautiful Hudson Valley, New York, I want to make one thing abundantly clear. I did not come to this corn maze to make friends. I hope everybody heard me because it's every woman for herself in this corn maze from here on out. I came here on this weekend girls trip for one reason and one reason alone. To dominate this gorgeously pastoral corn maze and show it once and for all who's boss. Anyone who thinks that we're going to keep laughing and joking and chatting as we wander through the twists and turns of the sacred maze maze is seriously mistaken. This weekend might be about college friends reuniting after five years apart, but this corn maze is about winning and winning takes focus. So back off bitches because I will fucking own this maze.
And you think I'm going to let a bunch of lifelong friendships get in the way of all that? Not a chance. If anything I came here to lose friends. It wouldn't be the first time. Just last year I got so amped in a maze that Shannon took a train home early. Is that my fault? No bitch, she couldn't hack it.
And that's why this year I'm making rules and setting boundaries. I'm not here to make new friends and I will ignore my old friends. If someone falls or is lost, I'm going to move on without them.
This is war. I mean, this is a corn maze.
So if anyone fucks with my maze, I will end them, plain and simple. I mean, I will murder them. I will murder my friends because I don't need to strengthen my female friendships.
I need to get my friggin life inside a corn maze. One thing's for sure, I fucking love corn.
Oh my god, Addie is literally perched on the espresso machine like a quirky little bat. Oh my god, that is so funny. But you shouldn't sit there girl, we need the espresso. Oh wow, it seems like some bile is leaking from her mouth. Addie, did you put an espresso pod in your mouth or is that bile? Ew, she's so crazy.
I love her. Thanks for spending a minute with us. If you have another minute, visit us at reductress.com for more incredible content, including are you dating or just friends who have sex and see each other five times a week? And how I'm decolonizing the sidewalk by pushing white people into the street. If you're new to the Reductress Minute, don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts. Check us out at reductress.com and our store at shop.reductress.com. Special thanks to Lauren Lapkus for reading, Andrew Stuckey for editing this episode, our super quirky intern Addie, and Bowen Yang for our show artwork, and of course to Madison Dillard for a drink that destroyed her. She's still working it out. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_used_to_change_your_diapers_ | Hey mom, have you seen my phone? Well, look who crawled out of his cave. Is that who I think it is? Chris? He doesn't recognize me.
It's Clithrin. Ms. Clithy?
I used to change your diapers when you were a baby. Okay, sorry, I don't remember. You had the smallest little baby penis. I'm sorry? I mean, it was small even for a baby.
It's true, we were worried. But I said, but I said, he'll grow. He did.
You used to eat rolls of quarters. I didn't do that, I would have remembered that. Remember, nickels and dimes, you'd eat them with your butt. What? And I would try to hide them, I'd say, no, no, no. But you were a climber. He'd climb up on the doors and eat them with his butt, you remember? Wow, yeah, no, I didn't do that. Red! I would hide your crazy straws because you kept sipping from the toilet.
I've actually never seen you before in my life. You remember Mr. Tubins? Yes! He was your best friend. Who?
Every time he lost him, he'd scream his little head off like a psychopath. Is that like a stuffed animal?
It was a burger. Sorry, you said a burger?
You would not let us throw him away. Oh, you're lying. I remember. She's a liar, mom. I would think I might still have him somewhere. Who are you? You were such a rascal, you used to swing from my nipples with your amphibious little hands like an orangutan, you're such a bug. I'm actually gonna go out on a limb and say I definitely didn't do that.
I'm actually excited to go to work now. I hope I get hit by a bus.
You used to babble the n-word. You did that. All the time, I mean, we had no idea where you got it from, you were so small. Bug hide. I never did that and you never knew me. Remember, I'd put you in my backpack and we'd go to the shoe store. I think I'd sooner recognize a character straight out of Poptropica. You were so small, you used to fit in my front pocket with all my mince and shit. Um, so how do you guys know each other?
The parking store. Cool. Well, I gotta go.
It was really great seeing you again. Before your mind was aware, I witnessed you.
You owe me this. You owe me this one little interaction. It's mine by divine right. And because I was in a book club with your mom. I'm sorry. Somehow deep within that little bug brain. You know me.
This has been so fun. Yes, likewise. Oh, we have to do this again sometime. Please. I love it.
Let me get your email. Okay, let me just get my phone.
It's in here somewhere. Whoops. I think I dropped something. Oh, that reminds me.
Remember when Chris and his little friends would play summer sausage? Mr. Tubbs, you're my best friend, Mr. Tubbs. I love you, Miss Cliffy. I'll never forget you.
Miss Cliffy, where's my bendy straw? I'm thirsty. Quarters for Chris's butt. Yum, yum, yum. More quarters for my butt, please.
Don't throw him away. That's a person, not a burger. Look, I'm just as tall as this bug. He was a burger.
I swear one time he hit me so hard in the pussy with a tennis racket. I nearly fainted on the spot. |
cracked | 4_types_of_people_movies_hate_for_some_reason | Hi America, I'm crack senior editor Josh Sargent. You might know me from such popular internet listicles as five old-timey prejudices that still show up in every movie, and six insane stereotypes the movies can't seem to get over. I'm here today to talk to you about that exact same thing, because I just can't get over the fact that movies are dicks, and I've been out of ideas for a while now.
A prostitute's natural state of being is death. There's a storytelling trope called Chekhov's Gun that states if you have a gun in the first act of your story, it has to go off by the end. There's a similar, less well-known rule about prostitutes, which is that if you put one in your movie, eventually you're going to have to kill them. Or at least try to. There are wily people. And I'm not just talking about the Canadian horror film Dead Hooker in a Trunk, because why would I be? In the noir anthology Sin City, a dead prostitute is what sends Marv on his murder spree. Dead prostitutes are what Kevin eats because he knows no one will miss them. And the big fat kill, the central drama of the story, is whether every prostitute in Old Town is going to get murdered. In Heat, when we needed to see that one of the bad guys was an extra bad guy, we just showed him killing a prostitute who only shows up in that scene to be murdered. In Godfather Part II, the good guys set up a congressman by pretending he killed a prostitute. Only to make it convincing, they really kill a prostitute. Then there's Dead Man, Dark City, very bad things, natural born killers, and I'm just talking about the movies who bring it up seriously, haven't even gotten to the movies to act like it's a big joke. Why is it funnier to kill a hooker than a grocery store cashier?
Or a professional tightrope walker? Or a trucker? Or a caricature artist? Or even a stripper? It's weird that it's so funny in movies, but then you look at real life where prostitutes are murdered at a rate 7 to 50 times higher than the national average, which makes their job more dangerous than either crab fishing or ice road trucking, and it makes you realize hookers need a reality show.
Right? You guys want to talk about the homeless for a second? What am I asking? Of course you do. Homelessness is f***ing hilarious. Wow.
You're going to text the bathroom? No, I'm not going to text the bathroom.
You can do it. To be fair, I'm not just talking about movies that make jokes about homelessness. Sometimes forget movies like The Woman in the Van, which nobody saw, and The Soloist, which nobody saw, that have realistic and exhausting depictions of the trials and hardships of this is boring. Go stop. Show that you can do it, guy, again. You can do it all night long.
Nah. F***ing Sandler, man. Actually, the weird part is even when we make a homeless guy a real sympathetic character, we still forget that they're not street goblins. In Big Daddy, there's a scene where the homeless guy explains his backstory and how he ended up homeless. This was during the so-called disco era, but for me it was more the doing mushrooms era. I've been seeing him crash face-first into a lamppost in exchange for a single sausage McMuffin. There's a pole there! Nope.
To be fair, McDonald's breakfast wasn't available 24 hours a day back then. In Home Alone 2, Macaulay Culkin gets his life saved by a homeless woman with the magical power to command birds and pays her back with a small plastic turtle dove. His absurdly wealthy parents are in town at this point, by the way. She could have used a shower, some new clothes, some psychiatric air for the severe mental issues she discussed with him earlier.
But sure, a toy bird, that'll keep her from freezing to death. It won't. She died right after that scene.
And that's the point. Homeless people aren't people. They're things that we can learn from and then safely ignore. What's that? That lump? That's a homeless person.
You just walked right past him. He didn't even look.
Well, I mean, some things you choose not to see. The weirdest few samples in Minority Report. Tom Cruise and his precog buddy are running from the cops and she keeps giving him tits by looking into the future. Hide here!
There's gonna be balloons, she says. And bam. There are balloons.
Then, when they're running through an alley, she tells him to throw some change on the ground, which brings the apparently disabled homeless guy to crawl around trying to pick him up. Then the cops burst through the door and trip on him. I gotta ask, how much time did this stunt really buy them? Those cops chase people for a living. I bet they're pretty good at standing up after they fall down. Meanwhile, the elderly homeless guy just had three fully armored linebackers crash knee-first into his pancreas.
Families are made of replaceable parts. Not to get all weird on you, but family's important. Special. Here's a picture of my younger brother, whom I love dearly. Just kidding. That's a stock photo. I would never show a member of my family to you to pray for a verse because if anything ever happened to them, I would be heartbroken and though I would eventually heal and move on, nothing would ever fill the void left by their absence.
But in movies it's f***ing whatever. In Face Off, John Travolta's son dies at the beginning when Nicolas Cage shoots them both but only kills the kid. Then they switch faces and pretend to be each other. This movie is exhausting to explain. Good Nicolas Cage kills bad John Travolta and steals his face back, becoming Good John Travolta. But when he takes back his face, he also takes his kid as interest, I guess, for having borrowed his face. Then Good John Travolta gets a happy ending because even though his kid died, he steals a new kid from the dead enemy and raises him as his own, I guess.
Now there's collateral damage, which starts with Arnold Schwarzenegger's family being killed by a terrorist and ends with him killing that terrorist and stealing his family. Because family members are just a fat loot that boss drops. In the extended version of Aliens, which as we all know isn't as good as the theatrical cut but it's longer so it's the one we always watch because you never have too much aliens, Ripley learns that her daughter has died while she was in cryo-sleep. But it's okay because later she gets a new daughter, which is Newt, and they get straight to mother-daughter bonding. Then Ripley gets a new proto-husband with Hicks and a robot butler-slash-milkshake machine in the form of Bishop, the whole family package.
Listen, Hollywood, people aren't spark plugs. If one breaks, you can't just pop one out and throw in a new one that's roughly the same shape and expect things to work fine. That's explicitly the message of Fast and Furious 6. You're loyal to a fault. Your code is about family. If you want your dead family members back, you're gonna have to clone them or something.
Prison rape is a-okay, wow, I just realized how dark this whole video is. Sorry about that, I hope you're enjoying your lunch break. Thanks for sticking with me through this. You're a f***ing champ. Movies assume that not only is prison rape common, it's part of the punishment. It's more like taking a shower with two guys named Jamal and Jesus, if you know what I mean. You know what they do to women in there? Mmm, yummy. The sex you want, you ain't gettin', the sex you gettin', you the whore. Well, you know, everyone been raped with a plunger in rehab. I used to f*** guys like you in prison. You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?
He runs the grave! You're so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship. Alright, let's go. Not you, Tubby. You sure you don't want him, too?
And I'm gonna make sure you get locked up for this. And then we'll see how you like getting raped. We act like rape is the part of prison that makes prison bad, which is just more evidence that most people have no idea what being in prison is actually like. The reality is that prison rape totally does happen.
A lot. But that reality is...bad? We shouldn't rape people? Is that controversial? Okay, let me dial this back. We shouldn't make jokes about raping people in baby cartoons?
It's treasure! Look, the balloons!
Don't drop them. Yeah, don't drop the soap in the prison shower, or you'll be violated anally.
I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am saying to you, Gary the snail. I can't even blame that on kids these days, because I'm young enough to have watched SpongeBob SquarePants.
But what's really weird is that of all the movies I've talked about today, Dirty Work is the only one to explicitly point out that prison rape is a bad thing. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line, way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this.
And it's the only movie to portray homelessness as a tragedy that befalls the undeserving. I think what you probably need are like some psycho, out of control homeless guys. Yeah, we're more the broken, spiritless, I've lost the will to live type homeless guys.
They even show prostitutes in a moderately positive light. I mean, it's as positive as anything else in the movie. You didn't count on my loyal army of prostitutes, did you? Is Dirty Work the most progressive film ever?
No. No, that's stupid.
You know, it seems like we have a lot of fun and games here at Cracked.com, but the reality is that we all work really hard to make these videos happen. I, for example, had to watch Home Alone 2. Please like and subscribe. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Fat_Shaming_Dogs_A_Hoodie_Gremlin_A_Greenie_F_ckboy_Melbourne_Private_School_Boys_Hit_Back | We've just had some breaking news that I guess you'd say the New South Wales state of origin highlights will, well at least 40% of them will remain pixelated for the near future. What, 40% of 10 seconds? Not many highlights, no. A lot of lowlights though. That's four seconds. A lot of lowlights for those cockroaches over the years.
Sorry if you are one of them. Sorry if you're listening, but that's just the way it is.
I'm looking forward to seeing us win again with all four of my eyes. Yeah, I know. We're sledging ourselves now, are we? I reckon New South Wales would get beaten by South Australia this year.
Yeah, they're really popular. No ticker. And you know, they're very political in their selections.
They would never have selected someone like Gordon Tellis in the 90s. Oh, they talk about Greg Inglis, they wouldn't have even selected him. No way.
That's why he had to come up here. Yeah. And play his first ever rep footy at 18 for Queensland something or other. Okay, it's fair. Sturlow was born in Toowoomba, that's all I'll say.
What have we got in the news today, Wendell Hussey? Well, some sad news to kick it off and a local blue healer has revealed that he's now too self-conscious to go for a swim in the creek after watching that shameful Bluey fat shaming episode. Yes, these are the real world effects that fat shaming and fat phobia can have. If you think it's just noisy parents on Twitter, then think again. If you aren't familiar with this story, the creators of Bluey were forced to edit out a scene in the episode titled Exercise where the dad Bandit, he's a fictional dog that's made of animated pixels, wobbles his belly and says he needs to exercise. Terrible. Obviously a lot of people are up in arms about this, about it being an example of cancel culture, as they say, but we spoke to a local blue healer named Bruiser who said that this is far from the truth.
The Perry Urban family dog doesn't chase as many flies as he should. As said, ever since catching the episode on TV, he doesn't feel like swimming in the creek anymore. He barked at us, I just don't feel confident about my body after seeing that episode.
And cutting that Bandit scene is the least the ABC could do. Yes, I've heard poor old Bruiser is now forced to go swimming in his big baggy rashy. Yes, and it's not a great sight for poor old Bruiser. The damage has been done, that's the thing about it.
He is one of those kids that wears a rashy with the big saggy budgies too. Because Bluey made him feel that way about his cock as well. And now he gets rash off the back of it. And this dog too has to wear the bloody headband thing because he's got the bad grommets in his ear. Yes, he's got grommets. Poor bugger. A life jacket if he goes out on a boat too. I know, and you know, he's also got bad allergies, so I'd like to see him make jokes about that Bluey.
What else is in the news? Well, we've got another story from town next up.
And a woman who wishes she could be a stylish coat lady is unfortunately a disgusting hoodie gremlin. Her words, not mine. Yes, well the cold weather has rolled in, even up here in the Diamantina. And despite saying that she loves cold weather fashion, Petuta Heights woman Ruby Dwyer has found herself wearing the same old sloppy outfit day in, day out. While winter fashion conjures up images of stylish French coats and expensive boots, Ruby says the cold weather has unfortunately resulted in her wearing the same stained hoodie with some jeans and sneakers every day.
Yes, and as she said to us, I had to venture into the city this morning and ended up getting into a lift with a bunch of business people who looked like they were straight out of Corsip Girl. I wish I could be like that, but it's just too easy to be full on goblincore. It's a terrific woman's voice, from Errol. I guess they do sound like that. Not enough nagging, I don't know.
The Mrs is always knocking on the door when I'm halfway through taking a massive shit. Can you look after the kids? She gets at me because she wants to put her makeup on in the mirror. The footie's on! And she can't do it because the whole room smells like shit. I was in there strangling one out for me dear life. She wouldn't know anything about an anal fissure. Yeah, she's at me because I've left the bowl looking like a fucking tomahawk missile flew in through the fucking window and blew it to bits.
Anyway, what's up next on your news? Look, romantic news, a romantic story. And the headline reads like this.
I would, but I'm not big on single use waste. Says greeny fuckboy trying a raw dog. Yes, this is quite a confronting story for me being a 56 year old liberal voter. But, yep, in some scary news for women of the nation it appears that fuckboys are evolving their seduction tactics to the point of weaponising environmentalism. Yes, this comes after renowned Batutah Heights fuckboy Jamie Jennings reportedly tried a bit of it on last night saying he wasn't too keen on using a dummy because they are actually single use plastics and he doesn't want to support that wasteage. Yeah, the quote from the conversation reads like this Condoms aren't biodegradable babe, think of the turtles.
I believe he didn't get his way. No, fuck me.
This country should have a one in and one out policy. Look, we've got so many people eager to come here and work we should get Jamie and either cattle gun him out the back or send him off to do a couple gap years in some place that he wouldn't like.
You can reuse them too, you just wash them out squirt a bit of lube in there, roll it up and go again. No, well not these ones because these ones are biodegradable because they're made of a natural product latex which comes from the rubber tree Wendell. Oh, so they are biodegradable? They are.
He just wanted a raw dog, he was lying to it. He's just a gaslighting libtard. He was not only weaponizing his environmentalism but he was also gaslighting, which is a word I learned the other day.
Just cattle gunning. Yeah, get rid of Jamie, fair enough.
Finish it up with sports to round out this week and an elitist football code made up of and run by Melbourne private school old boys, surprisingly racist. Yes, in news that comes as a surprise to very few on the east coast the AFL is facing allegations of racism once again. The code, which is run by a bunch of old boys from three or four schools from Melbourne who do everything to make sure as many boys from those three or four schools from Melbourne become professional footballers have been accused of not doing enough to prevent another Adam Goods saga. Yeah, Sydney Swans star Buddy Franklin was loudly booed by Collingwood fans the club who started the aforementioned stain on Australian sports history with concerns the booing could spread across the country. However, with plenty of mouthpieces in the AFL media have since come out to reveal that booing isn't racist and there is nothing to see here.
So I guess that's the end of that. Yeah, it's not like Buddy Franklin who has played park football for the early part of his life in some redneck towns in Western Australia and then gone on to kick a thousand goals in the AFL. It's not like he'd be familiar with what is and isn't competitive fun. I think what they're effectively saying in the Melbourne aristocrats that run the AFL is Buddy Franklin doesn't know what booing sounds like. Well, I think what they're saying you've just got to understand that it's just a bit of banter, right? It's part of sport. It's a part of AFL.
When they called one of their former players a chimp at training they were just joking. You know, that was just a few blokes from Melbourne with their beanies on and their scarves on going to see some man grook. Yeah, that was just 40 white blokes telling him that it was a joke.
Mate, this game is such a fucking... It is a charade. I mean, it's a fucking pantomime of what these people like to think it is.
Well, the problem is it's not necessarily Australian football. It's not Aussie rules, it's Victorian rules. It's still very much run out of Melbourne which do believe Victoria might be a little bit more enlightened than the rest of the country but in turn Aboriginal culture and very in some examples Sudanese athletes or Lebanese are viewed as an affront them being proud in their heritage and their culture is an affront to Victorian culture which they're fighting so hard to be considered a dominant Australian culture which is not the case because Origin shits on their fucking TV ratings.
It's just fucking... It is sleeveless rugby union. Yes, somehow with more concussions. It's all that jersey punching they do. Yeah, shirt fronting, as Tony Abbott said. Now, yeah, anyway, that's the end of that story.
AFL is not racist according to the people that run it and according to the Aboriginal people who are playing it and hearing the crowd turn on them due to their race they're wrong. And according to the people in the comments of many of our AFL articles that we're just mouth-breathing Queenslanders who don't know shit about AFL.
Well, I for one say that's probably a good thing. I'm very happy to be ignorant about it.
It would be interesting to see how you'd fare in where we were on the weekend in fact, Queensland Country Bank Stadium North Queensland capital of Townsville it would be interesting to see how you would fare if you were to treat Indigenous footballers the way they do in the G. Yeah, there would certainly be a lot of people with rounded vowels getting their teeth punched in at the Mad Cow. Yes, because we just won't stand for it in the deep north.
Shame on you fascists from Victoria this is the end of our podcast. Thank you, goodbye. Ciao. |
SaturdayNightLive | josh_hartnett_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Hartnett! Thanks a lot, you guys. Hi, I'm Josh Hartnett. well, you know what? I know you guys are probably expecting to see the same old Josh Hartnett stuff tonight. but you're in for a big surprise. because I'm not going to be the Josh Hartnett that you're used to seeing, All right?
Hey, Josh, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. what are you doing? What are you doing? What do you mean? what are you talking about?
I'm being the new Josh Hartnett, you know? I think people are kind of sick of the old Josh Hartnett. No, not a good idea. not a good idea. Well, I'm trying to think outside of the Josh Hartnett box, you know what I mean? not cool, man. not cool. Okay. well, how would you know about that Anyway?
I did it already. I became the new Jimmy Fallon. what are you talking about? when did you do that? this is way back in 2000. things were different back then. I remember that, man. yeah, I mean, you got to remember this a long time ago. this was back before they had ipods, you know? this was back when cell phones, you know, now they're this big, back then they were this big, you know? I tried to be the new Jimmy Fallon. I was young.
I trusted the wrong people. really, man? take a look. that's not good, man. yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, that's pretty bad. yeah, yeah, I know. I mean. I really can't believe that you're still working. they let it go, all right?
Look, my point is that not everybody is tired of the old Josh Hartnett. I mean. whoo! really? Yeah, yeah. you're not tired of the old Josh Hartnett? I've been working with you all week. I'm a little tired of the Josh Hartnett. Well, did you used to like the old Josh Hartnett? yeah, the new Jimmy Fallon, who he really, really, really liked almost too much.
I mean, did you have to show you the picture again? I mean. what was that? it was too much. yeah. well, you know, thanks, Jimmy. Thanks a lot, man. Do you want to stick around for the rest of this, Or. no, I gotta go. All right.
Well, we do have a great show for you guys tonight. the old Josh Hartnett is here. Pink is here! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Hot_Mess_Gladys_End_To_Government_Corruption_Palaszczuk_Bites_Back_More_October_2 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show it is grand final weekend and we're talking about the real grand final the one that people can actually celebrate and attend by the looks of things that is the NRL grand final there in Suncorp Stadium tomorrow evening you're joined by myself Clancy I've edited the Batutah Advocate you're joined by Errol Parker editor at large how are you Errol? Look I'm alright mate I'm you know just taking it a bit easy I had my second jab the other day and I've just had the most severe chest pains I've had in my life but I think I'm coming out the other side of it. That might be because it's your third jab Errol because by my count you were the first in yeah so you're okay your third jab but is that a booster then? It is a booster yes well before it was due so that might explain the chest pains what about you Wendell? Yeah pretty good as you said Clancy grand final coming up which is very exciting like I like the occasion of the aerial ping-pong that is the AFL grand finals probably the game of the year that I watch but yeah obviously the NRL grand finals a different beast looking forward to see who they can get out there for half time hopefully a bit of Sheppard maybe definitely Sheppard how are you going Clancy? I'm good mate as you just mentioned before I'm excited to see the most available band in Queensland make yet another grand final appearance other than that I just you know I just hope that their father's doing okay in that Port Moresby prison cell where you know he's probably gonna spend you know the next quarter of his life I'm not sure but you know I'm not a judge I'm not a judge I'm certainly not a judge in Port Moresby and this weekly bulletin is brought to you by St. Lehard Seltzer's new cocktail inspired range paradise passion fruit martini grapefruit margarita and the almighty mojito and I'll tell you what it's a bad weekend to be a hard Seltzer in New South Wales I reckon because I think the outgoing premier Gladys Berejiklian will be putting a few of these away yes they sound delicious they sound sweet perfect for you two young fellas you bastards love your sweet drinks don't you? Absolutely mate it's gluten in the beer and you know I've been you know mixing things up and Seltzer's seem to be the ones that are gonna carry me through summer no sugar though no carbs they're also perfect if you're in time well I summer which Gladys will be doing? I only consume my alcohol I drink a midi of Drambuie after dinner with orange juice a nip of orange juice now that is a cocktail maybe that St. Leard should be getting around a new type of hard Seltzer I call it the Darren Hinch sounds delicious now this does segue perfectly into our first story the New South Wales premier Gladys Berejiklian has resigned saying it's gonna be a hot girl summer yes and another example of a New South Wales premier having to step down from their role due to corruption investigation Gladys has announced that she will resign as soon as the Liberal Party can elect a new leader and will also resign from New South Wales Parliament obviously there's a lot of chat about the independent Commission against corruption being responsible but it can be revealed that the main reason for the resignation is because Gladys is going to enjoy herself a hot girl summer down in Sydney and a bit of Byron as well I think with things about to open up in a tough few years behind her Gladys said to us I'm sick of toxic people both political opponents and shitty guys I've got flights to Byron booked I'm blocking a lot of numbers and I'm going off insta for a while I'll see you in a few months when it settles down Kelly Chancellor chimed in in the comments section of that one the most popular comment she said imagine losing your career over a boyfriend named Darryl it's a big classist from Kelly there but I'm sure it's happened a few times next up on that story in the state of New South Wales is now relieved to finally see an end to corruption as John Barilaro takes control of the government this is a relief for the corruption capital of the country after decades of paying state politicians who wouldn't lie straight in bed fill-in premier John Barilaro is set to Herald a new era yes it's believed Gladys's resignation will now put an end to the rolling state corruption scandals with clean-skinned Nationals leader John Barilaro taking over the reins Barilaro is commonly known as the very epitome of integrity and will fill in for Berejiklian until the Liberals elect another leader with a raft of pencil-looking blokes in suits lining up for the job he's got the integrity morals and selflessness to stamp out corruption in the New South Wales government exciting times down south indeed now we'll break up the national news with a local story from here in town and it's brought to you by the sponsors of our podcast today saintly a mum has begun telling her kids about this new drink she's found called a seltzer yummo at the forefront of culture this mom is here Beverly Hills from our town's patoota plains region said she's finally got this cool new drink her adult kids should try they called seltzers apparently and she reckons her offspring would probably like them yes rolling in with the seltzers a word which roughly translates to hard soda water Beverly received a few eye rolls and laughs from her kids of course with the free grog on offer they dutifully obliged and drank a lot of them yes never pass up on free alcohol good on them heading to the other side of Queensland for our next story Anastasia Palaszczuk has asked the media if they've got fucking rocks in their head because of course the footy takes priority yes anyone wondering why the once lockdown ready trigger happy Queensland Premier Anastasia Palaszczuk has not yet locked down simply need to ask themselves is there a major rugby league match happening this weekend because there is tomorrow night the Penrith Panthers play South Sydney rabbit eyes in the Battle of South and West it's a football match that the Premier of Queensland is so happy to have taken off New South Wales's hands it's the first NRL grand final to be hosted in Queensland and the how many are we talking 14 active cases in Queensland don't mean shit right now even though you know last year leading into an election they certainly would have meant a lot she's made it clear to the journalists there if they think that she's going to lock down the city and not host this event they've got fucking rocks in their head well this dovetails nicely with that report that was released I think two days ago by the CSIRO that found that you know COVID cannot spread during grand final week and that also carries on from their previous research which dictates that the virus hates the heat and if you've seen the the weather reports for this weekend in Brisbane it's going to be an absolute stinker oh yeah Fortitude Valley will be full of necklace Titans from the NRL and I hope they have a great time worst comes to worst lock it down at midnight on Sunday night or maybe 6 a.m. at Sunday night Monday Monday fair enough now we'll finish up with a story from down south we haven't mentioned Melbourne yet and a Melbourne man who had 20 mates over on grand final night has shrugged and said it was a sick night yes it was a huge spike in cases down in the southern end of the mainland this week with Victoria Premier Dan Andrews blasting people who had a legal grand final AFL of course grand final parties however there were a few people down there who've had enough and don't regret a session at all and one of those people was a cool young man who understandably asked to remain anonymous he's a D's fan and he told us that Saturday night was fucking mad and he doesn't regret a thing and as the big filler explained and I quote who gives a fuck so what we we all have the virus now we all are double jabbed with the Pfizer back in June because we all went to timbertop and got the hookups but yeah look none of us feel sick at all 350 days in lockdown does funny things to you it does it'll turn you against your own trade union anyway that's the end of our weekly news wrap we hope you've enjoyed it and a special mention once again to Sainley and their new cocktail inspired hard seltzer range who are bringing to you the podcast this week they're available at Uncle Dan so go and give them a whirl have a good weekend everybody hooroo glory glory glory |
TheOnion | Facebook_Increases_User_Control_With_New_Cancel_Account_Feature | Security guards chase a naked USA fan around the White House, Jennifer Lopez announces her own clothesline line, and a grandpa reports there's more ginger ale in the garage. I won't waste your time with a needless self-serving introduction. This is the Onion Week in Review. President Obama releases a new tell-all book about America. The 800-page book titled Oh Say Have I Seen The Real Truth Behind The Red White And Blue details numerous shocking revelations about the American people, including its inability to manage finances, struggles with oil addiction, and frequent battles with obesity. While America may appear strong and confident on the outside, the reality is much different. The things I've seen, the greed, the excess, the unbelievable vanity, would make most people think twice about referring to America as the greatest country in the world. In an interview Monday, Obama said the tell-all was something he had to get off his chest given the fact that he was abused by America for several years.
In science news, archaeologists have uncovered the remains of an ancient race of job creators in America's Rust Belt. Scientists say the long-forgotten civilization once flourished between New York State and Illinois, erecting large brick and steel structures capable of holding hundreds of paid workers at a time. Several of the ancient empire's grandest settlements, including Gary, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh, once supplied entire communities with lifelong employment, researchers say, although sadly this way of life died out some time ago.
A new Facebook feature released this week allows users to cancel their account. Touting it as the latest step in the company's overall effort to enrich the way people connect and share, Facebook called the feature an exciting new level of user interactivity. We want to give Facebook users a level of control they've never had before, and allowing them to delete their account is a big step in that direction. Facebook representatives say that in the wake of their new site redesign, now is as good a time as any to introduce the new account deleting feature. In local news, a cute eight-year-old is beginning to realize how much better she is than ugly girls. Since I'm cute and they're not, that means that they're not as good as me. In other news, Jon Huntsman is secretly relieved to be polling so poorly with GOP voters. A slaughterhouse worker is told to stop naming them all, and sure, an area man can watch your cat while his life is falling apart, no problem. You have just participated in a large-scale psychological research study. Please fill out the attached liability waiver and send it to theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
cracked | entourage_is_so_bad_pirates_don_t_want_to_steal_it_cracked_responds | Hey, we're gonna watch the entourage movie Yeah, why we're gonna respond to it the whole thing. We're gonna watch the whole thing I'm streaming for free or like torrent it or something. Okay. I mean, it's been out for like a couple of months Yeah, it's been a while. I don't really the people still watched entourage. There are enough people clamoring for this I mean the three of us Really want to watch it.
I don't want to watch it. We're gonna it's gonna maybe that wasn't clear I don't want to watch it. I'm not so into this.
Yeah So on websites like this, they usually don't have the links like right there because it's illegal So they'll put it in the comments like hey, here's Just says still nothing Maybe we could Google like pool parties the movie. Is there a pool in this one? There's gonna be many pools in this movie.
I this is not the right link. I'm gonna okay Maybe if we just watch several episodes back-to-back, I'm not gonna watch the show entourage We're gonna watch the entourage movie and we're gonna respond to it entourage movie online for free putt locker and Nothing. So this movie just does not exist online then. I mean it has to almost like people don't want to see it We don't even bothered bothered to torrent it or bothered to set this up so that we could watch it We'll torrent it pirate debate never fails Secure connection failed. All right, so pyro pace down right now I've seen the trailer just Google like really flashy garbage and tits That's a flashy flashy If I was in charge of SEO for entourage, maybe like a flashy garbage and tits. Well, not a website. Whoa wall burgers wall burgers It's the entourage cast on the Ellen DeGeneres show and entourage Okay, you can know you can't watch entourage online, but you can watch entourage the xx parody dancing drunk girl party Ask girls sexy sexy.
There's a TV series again 2004 don't want to watch the show because the movie is just you're eager to watch the movie Standard episode just an extended stand. It's like a mediocre episode, right? I thought Well, I don't know yet. Okay, let's not judge. I don't want to judge before we watch the movie watch it Thank you little buddies. Uh-huh. Hang in from money Watch for no money watch for no money Lady butts outside boobies boobies indoors parties Everything good at end. Hey a guide to the nude scenes. Oh Well, you wanna I mean if it's not the nude scenes in the movie, then I don't care Maybe there's a compilation of the nude scenes The scenes on to a Raj movie give me a boner, please You feel anything yet?
No Does anyone even care about entourage anymore? That looks like a link we should click more paragraphs than I expected in this I really was expecting just a no No, no, no words here. This person does care about it because they're writing about it a lot or at least they hate it So they're my kind of Bella or lady a lot of ladies love entourage, too Yeah television by women for women. I don't think that's Entourage Yeah by women by women about women's bodies for women To enjoy and feel good about themselves Entourage Watch entourage online free full movie. Yeah, the Facebook fan page There's 109 people that like this page. I didn't realize that's how big entourage fan base was I thought it was half that size.
Well, I mean 112 now Does anyone know where I can watch this without giving my credit card details That's right. You don't want that on your record that you purchase this movie. Maybe that's the reason nobody's Putting this out because they don't want people to know that they're renting the entourage movie I'm surprised you're actually so open about wanting to do this. I'm not of course. I want to watch entourage movie Why Have you ever felt like really sad?
Oh It's like about your life and your relationships and your career and your home life and just sort of everything what's going on Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah Hi everybody, thank you for watching that video If you actually found entourage online go ahead and keep that to yourself You probably don't need to share that with the rest of the world. I don't think anyone really needs it If you like to subscribe to our channel, you're welcome to do that. You can also comment down below Just be sure that it's not specifically a link To the entourage movie this trailer is so good even without sound |
SaturdayNightLive | drug_dealer_snl | Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane. yeah, I know. I already got, like, three phone numbers.
Yeah, the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something. you mean, like, Coke? Yeah, man. hmm. I don't know. why not? we're on vacation, right? All right, all right, all right. but only if we can find something that's, like, Pure. you know what I'm saying? there's a lot of garbage going around right now. hey. you guys looking for some cocaine? what? I said, you want to get high, because I can make that happen. Wait, seriously?
I mean, is it Pure? is it Pure? don't insult me, man. my product is so pure white, it's like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on a cloud. Oh. sounds good to me. Hey. I think we found some already. yeah, they already found some. get lost. Well, my stuff is so white, it's like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah. Okay. damn, I'm sold, all right. how much for that? Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. my cocaine is so pure white, it's like the guy that's suing Gwyneth Paltrow, because he can't enjoy wine tastings anymore. you're looking for some cocaine?
No. they already decided, man. Well, no, we haven't. we're just trying to make sure it's Pure.
Oh, well, let me tell you this, man. the Coke that I got is so white, his dad sends it money every month for the rent. Oh, okay. okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I want that one. no, no, no. that is junk. this stuff right here is so white, it takes your shoes and socks off on a plane. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. you don't want that. this is what you want, man. this Coke right here is whiter than season two of the Wire. Oh, yeah? well, my Coke is like, cuttin'' My life in Doobies is, this is my Larry Door. mine is like, I joined in with the happy new people ever heard of, closing the god-time door. Damn, no. that is white, Yes. hey, uh, you guys looking for some cocaine? No, we're good. they're all set, man. All right, look, we're looking for Coke That's so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on his flip-flops. Yes, yes, but my Coke is so pure, It was written and directed by Noah Baumbach. wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach? a poet. Man, that's nothing. this cocaine I got says stuff like, ooh, let me scoot right by you. cocaine is so white. oh, sorry. how white is it? thank you. it's so white, it stands like this in my honest lawn.
What happened?
My Coke is so white. excuse me, let me just scoot by you that you got an arrow right there. Okay, toodles. it's that white. I already said that one.
All right, man, so what do you think? huh. I don't know, I still can't decide. hey. you guys looking for some black tar heroin? What? no. oh, too bad, you got some black tar heroin that's so black, it's. you know what, maybe I shouldn't say. no, no, no, I want to hear it. just go ahead.
Yeah, yeah, please tell her. I'm all ears.
Sorry.
I was just going to say it's so black that it's strong and equal.
And we should all really give it a chance, you know, I'm not even here. that's what I thought.
Anyway, like I said, this Coke is so white, it likes to say it's from Chicago, but it's from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago. Well, my Coke has 20 pairs of yeezy sneakers. hey, that's not even white.
Well, they all dirty. All right, that's enough. these all sound very white and pure. I can't decide. so I guess we'll take one from each.
Okay, so that's fair. All right. Okay, and you're absolutely sure that there is no Fentanyl in this, right? Now nobody's doing anything. All right. |
TheOnion | Celebrity_Chef_Ted_Allen_Cooks_His_Favorite_Pretentious_Foodie_Bullshit_Meal | Gourmet chef Ted Allen is here. He's the author of the new cookbook, Pretentious Foodie Bullshit, and he's gonna show us how to cook some fussy little foodie dishes for you and all your asshole friends.
Welcome back to the show, Ted. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. All right, so let's get started now.
What sort of stupid, over-elaborate, fancy ass meal are you gonna make for us today? Well, we're going to cook one of the very most pretentious dishes in my cookbook.
Oh. It's a stupid ass, trendy piece of fish coated in some kind of nut you've never heard of, served alongside a puree of baby something or other. Oh, great. That's annoying. Let's get started. Okay, have at it. First, it's very important to choose the most expensive type of fish you can find for some vague environmental reason that you can then pair it back to your faux intellectual gaywad dinner party guests. Okay. And now I assume all these other ingredients are organic and locally sourced and all that bullshit? Oh yeah, your dickhead friends think that's really important.
So here we have some freshly ground cob nuts. Cob nuts?
Ooh, just the sound of that name makes me furious. It is annoying.
Yeah. I processed the nuts using this vintage mortar, and actually, you know, I think I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, it took way longer than necessary. So you just gently dredge your fish in your crushed cob nuts. Oh, see, I'm getting furious all over again. And then you just cook your fish for three minutes aside.
Now, what about the pureed baby turnips, Ted? Ah, you must blanch them for 30 seconds, then you shock them in an ice bath. Peel them, then boil them again with a little sugar, thyme, and a pinch of salt. Then put on a blindfold and see if you can taste the difference between these and boiled turnips straight out of the can.
Oh. You won't be able to. So you mean all of this is just an enormous waste of time? Yes, it is. It really is. I mean, to hell with this shit. Let's just get some real food. |
dropout | When_Mom_Visits_You_At_Work | For 50 cents extra we have soy milk almond milk oat milk hemp milk Mom I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just look so responsible Oh, my little man is the base those in the making, you know, minus all the aggressive anti-labor policies Did he give you the Wi-Fi Kyle you didn't give him the Wi-Fi it's rise and grind one word The S is the dollar sign Mom you made me get this job so that I would learn some responsibility Do you want me to save up for my own fortnight floss dance loot tank subscription or not? You're right big work, man You're absolutely right and I'm gonna skadoodle after I restock the nut milk. Oh, I'm just trying to help Okay, my manager might see you and she's really She's really cool.
Oh My god. Oh my god.
What I know that look you don't know anything My little man has a crush Oh, it's his first office romance This your mom's no, it's not my mom It's just some crazy woman who came in here and just started stealing stuff get away from the nut milk. Hi I'm Loretta Kyle's mom. I like your t-shirt You know, we do eat meat of course, but it's only because the doctors say that Kyle has low testosterone He always has his testicles didn't descend till he was eight months old Cool so how's the tip jar looking saving up for a root canal? No, honey. What about insurance mom?
We don't have insurance who make like freaking eight bucks an hour. Oh my god. I mean that's less than minimum wage Yeah, that's why we have the tip jar. It's gotta be like 20 bucks in here and three of those are mine Okay, no, uh, this ain't right. Mm-hmm. I don't like this.
You got my blood boiling Oh, where is my hot flash fan? I'm getting riled up You know when I was a teacher, we would have taken to the streets for this Yeah, you're in a female-dominated profession young lady. You gotta fight for what you want Balls, you're right. I Run this place and I get jack All right, ladies, Laura. Hope we're going on strike. Oh My god, this is so exciting. I'll make a Michaels run for glitter and post a boy screw you We won't grow screw you we will brew mom stop fighting for workers' rights. You're embarrassing me |
dropout | the_insane_fashion_of_political_conventions | And today we're going to be covering the fashion dos and don'ts from the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia and the Republican Convention in Cleveland where the fashions are just as fashionable and the crucifixes are unnecessarily large. First up we have Debbie Arps. She's a Democrat from Kansas and she is wearing a jean jacket that's just totally covered in buttons. No war for oil, meat is murder, or why you didn't see one for recycling. Oh no, I love a throwback, no one's done that since the 90s. Fun fact, her jacket weighs over 400 pounds and sounds like a bunch of chalkboards being rubbed together. Next up we have Patty Hornish. She's a Republican from Texas, a big state with a bigger inferiority complex.
You know it. Now this cowboy chic style, as it's called, is popular in Texas because they know that cowboys were the last interesting thing to happen there. And I'll tell you Jenny, I love seeing an important political convention treated with the same dignity and respect of a community theater production of Oklahoma. Oh, now case in point, Jason Dee, he's a Democrat from Delaware and he's dressed up like the 1770s, complete with a tricorner hat provided by Halloween Adventure. I'll tell you Jenny, I've seen this style at both parties' conventions. Yeah, people on both sides of the aisle like to do Paul Rivier cosplay. They seem to think it makes some kind of point. I don't know what it is, but you know what, I'm glad they're having fun. Oh, and I love the fife. Now this is Richard Campbell. As you can see, Jenny, folks here aren't afraid to wear hats and doors. I was talking to Richard not that long ago, and he tells me that that beard guy stained the sink in his room at the Best West Inn, but he wore it anyway because like everybody here, it's trying to get on television. Oh, and that sound means it's time to play Who Wore It Best? American Flagsuit Edition. From the Democrats, we have Patrick Dooley, and for the Republicans, we have Sue Waltz. I have to give it to Patrick for doing it on stilts.
Well, sure, but you've got to hand it to Sue. She can make the logical leap of making socks out of the stars and stripes, but still saying that anyone that burns the flag should be waterboarding. Yes, good point.
Wow, you know, Trevor, these guys look square, but get a couple of Sam Adams in them, and then they will sing you every single word of living on a prayer. And with all the action inside the convention hall, let's not forget about the fashions outside the arena. That's right. This is Denis Lavoe, and he's going to try and stop traffic in Cleveland fully nude. God bless America! He's protesting the size of the big banks, and he thinks anyone's going to care or even notice while his cock is out.
And let's not forget about Officer Bryant. Now Officer Bryant is outfitted with military-style body armor and a fully automatic assault rifle. We have seen a lot of these automatic assault rifles this year. That is right now. Last year was all about armed militias, but this year is about the subtle threat of lethal attacks against American citizens.
That's it for Jenny and I in the studio. Tune in later when we interview a children's stepdance team that does routines about politics for some reason.
I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
dropout | Bears_Got_To_Go_To_College_Play_It_By_Ear | I want a bear in a claw machine, and I can give it to a girl that I have a crush on. Right. But if I have a bunch of bears, what am I gonna give one girl a bunch of bears? And here's the thing, do you take the bears with you when you go to college? Right. That's what I, that's what's in my head right now.
So I guess the question isn't, do we take the bears to college? It's how do we take the bears to college?
That's right. I gotta add in here, this is about to be a G-rated wrap of some kind.
So listen to the problem that we're dealing with there. It's the classic problem of too many bears.
I got a bear in the East, I got a bear in the West. I got a bear in the second best, and then a bear that's the best.
Cause I, man, I am not a fool. I want to take these bears to my next school. To be clear, a university. Cause higher learning, that is right for me.
Because bears got to get knowledge. Bears got to go to college. Bears got to get knowledge. Bears got to go to college.
Oh, I'm a bear and I've been taking my dog. I go to university and I will enroll. That's right. The bear is a student here. He pays tuition year after year. That's right, bears. Yeah, they're super fun. And I'm gonna be there taking bears.
Yeah, 101. And after that, I'll take 102.
Bears for me, dog, and bears for you. Because bears got to get knowledge. Bears got to go to college. Bears got to get knowledge. Bears got to go to college. Oh, and after that, my bear's gonna have to post-graduate. Yeah, my bear, he gets the PhD. He's the number one bear in the whole city.
And that's right.
And then a bear will get a job because it doesn't stop there, man. It does not.
After that, a bear will get married to me because life begins at bear conception, see. Because bears got to get knowledge. Bears got to go to college. And then bears become your wife. And you'll be with that bear for the rest of your life. First, bears got to get knowledge. Then bears got to go to college. And after that, that bear becomes your wife. And you'll be with that bear for the rest of your life.
Do you think the boys are having a conversation just like ours? Probably. About their feelings and their crushes and all of the things that we're feeling right now, like flooding through our systems. I bet Dylan and Tyler are having a really similar conversation than the one that we had. Totally.
Hey, imagine it, if you dare.
There's so many ways you could dress up a bear. Put up a bear in a little hat. Send a bear with a cute cravat. You can give a bear a Peter Pan outfit. He's walking around, you're like the bear is sick, man.
Oh, hey. Hi. Hey.
You know what I was just thinking? Yeah. It would be so cute if a bear went to college. I know. This is crazy. That's what I was thinking. Man, there's so many fun things happening in this world. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_21_02_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | How are you today, Wendell? Very well, thank you, Errol. It's good to have you back. Clancy, how are you? I'm well, thanks mate. Hello to the listeners. This week, your short, sharp and honest news rap is brought to you by Stan's new season of Better Call Saul.
Like all good lawyers, he's dodgy as fuck, isn't he Clancy? I wish I could have called Saul when I got nabbed setting a match under my dilapidated investment property in Batooda Heights the other day. Certainly would have been pretty handy to have a lawyer like that around town. Unfortunately for you, all of the criminal lawyers and solicitors in this town are all good, decent people who care about the law.
We don't have that same culture as they do in the States, but it does make for entertaining viewing.
Now season five of the Breaking Bad prequel is dropping on the 24th of February and is only on Stan. You can binge all the first four seasons right now. So sign up to Stan today for a free 30-day trial and get your teeth into it.
So good, man. Wendell, let's kick this bulletin off. What's making news this week?
Starting off with some motoring news this week, Errol, and the announcement that Holden would be scrapping its operations has saddened many around the country. However, we managed to find a man quietly optimistic about the future. Owner of Canary Yellow 2002 Holden Cruise, quietly optimistic now it'll be a classic one day. Yes, and as a Holden owner, that man has some fucking rocks inside his head where his brain should be because anyone who has a brain knows that any Holden is now completely and utterly worthless. Even the nice-looking Taranas, the classic cars, we should all just crush them up into cubes and push them out into the sea. Yes, a few sad Southern Cross and Australian flag-themed shared Facebook profiles this week. But as this old Holden Cruise owner believes, good news for him.
He's reported to have said, I might even start filling him up with premium. I'm quietly confident he'll be on the cover of classic car in a few decades. Must be confident if he's referring to his car as a him because we all know real car people refer to them as a her.
Moving on to some other news of national significance now. John Howard and Tony Abbott caught rushing to the gates of St. Kevin's to offer character references. Yes, two high-profile men, former prime ministers, it'd be a bit of a stretch calling them retired politicians because they were both sacked by their electorates respectively. But they have developed quite a name defending prominent rock spiders around this country, namely Cardinal Pell, the highest ranking member of the Australian Catholic Church. They both defended him offering character references during the criminal trial. In fact, I believe Tony Abbott went and visited that convicted rock spider in prison of late. So it does not surprise me that they've headed down to St. Kevin's just to help out whichever pedophile needs help. Yes. Well, hopefully one day John Howard and Tony Abbott can just get it over and done with an open mouth pash in public. Hunter Clark from downtown Batutah Pond says, Patina Art, Andrew Bolt and all the biggest names in the Australian Daily Telegraph are now currently penning a series of 800 word articles about how personal boundaries, particularly with children, are something the left came up with to oppress taxpayers.
Moving right along and back home in town now, single local man insists his bed is far more comfortable without a bed frame. Yes, we've all been there, haven't we, Wendell? We certainly have some longer than others. Yes, the uni student who had things broken off by his girlfriend about 12 months ago says he's more of a minimalist and prefers sleeping with his mattress on the ground. And it's also been revealed by our reporters that the only other piece of furniture in that room is a chair which he uses to hang his towel on. At least I can play the Xbox and go out whenever I want now without being hassled, said the heartbroken, tormented young man. A free man living his best life.
Elsewhere around Batutah this week and a childless couple have revealed that they think they'd never use a tablet to distract a toddler for a couple of minutes. Well, that is an interesting point and I believe that is an issue with childless couples around the country thinking and actually preaching what they would do and what they will do when they have kids. At the end of the day, Wendell, I'm not sure you're a bit younger than me but I have five kids under the age of 15 now and I would never trust my own children with a tablet. We did have an iPad, I believe, iPad 2 in our household and my son threw it out of a moving car on our recent holiday to Mollymook and he actually hit a cyclist.
And elsewhere around town it was Valentine's Day last Friday and we wrote a story about a local man in need of a little bit of love. Another one was, I'm going to give myself a little Friday avo blowout, says local bachelor on Valentine's Day. Yes, another article in the Batutah Advocate that's glorifying alcoholism and problem drinking.
And bacheloredom, let's not forget that one. That's the second one today. Is everything alright at home, Wendell? Yeah, this one was one of yours, wasn't it, Wendell? You're really circling around these bachelor stories. Well, look, you know, sometimes you have to embrace it and you have to treat yourself to a little bit of self-care and a little bit of self-love. So things are going great. Well, just be careful, Wendell, because you're starting to look as red as Barnaby Joyce's gooch skin. Yeah, and your right arm is substantially bigger than your left. So anyway, back to the story.
Yes, this local man was enjoying himself a couple of Canadian Club tongue wetters and he said he was enjoying it and going to rip in and treat himself because he doesn't have to wake up tomorrow morning and do any of that dumb shit like going shopping or going to brunch or going to an art gallery. Or cuddling with someone or, you know, having his hair braided or just being looked after in general. Who would want any of that dumb shit anyway? Put it on him. Go look after yourself sometimes.
And on that note, that's the news bulletin for another week. Thank you for tuning in and please subscribe to the podcast in order to get your fix of honest, hard-hitting regional news.
Until next time, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overall. And I am Errol. |
dropout | getting_stuck_in_a_dance_circle | Okay party people, let's hear it one more time for us again, bye! Next is their favorite song from high school, so I want to see everyone in a dance circle!
Aren't they so cute? They are.
Ooh, it's getting hot out here! Oh yeah, there's some techno, oh!
No, you go. I couldn't. Can I do it? No, stop, no, no. Let's hear it one more time for us again, bye! What? Yo, the next is their favorite song from high school, so I want to see brands in a dance circle! All right, say no in my game.
Why are these people, why are these people? Let me get here. Why are they making me dance? Who are you? I go by many names. Where am I?
This place is called Retribution. It is the dance circle. And you will dance. Please.
I was a good person. I don't deserve this.
And you will dance. There is no escape. It's our next time. Everybody clap your hands! You can't be enjoying this. This is just an excuse for all of you not to dance. Please. It's so awkward, I can't, I can't, I hate dancing!
You've lived a life of sin. And I will be punished.
Take it back now, y'all. Okay, party people, let's hear it one more time for Emily and Mike. Coming up next is their favorite song from high school, so I want to see everyone in a dance circle!
Right, she's dancing, Grant! Come on, Grant! Hey, it's Grant from College Hammer.
Uh, like, uh... Huh? Our desks do that. It's... Welcome to Hollywood, baby, you know? Oh, that's as high as it goes. |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_shots_fired_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wxpd News, New York. good morning everyone. Our top story today. shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store and residents of a 50th Street apartment building saw the entire incident. our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch is on the scene, and today he's celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting. Hello Jack. Hello Herb, and congratulations.
Well I don't know, why don't you tell me what happened? Oh, well. I heard some shooting outside and the kids were looking out the window so I told them, you know, get down.
Do you have any fun plans for Turkey day? What? you gonna cook a bird? or, I don't know, some yams or something? We go to my mother's.
So there you have it. back to you, Jack. Okay, now wait a minute, Herb. why don't we ask her a little more about the robbery, like what time was it? what's that? what time was it? Oh, alright. what time is it? it's like 10am. it's 10am. Jack. you ought to wear a watch. When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch. no Herb, ask her what time she heard the shots. Alright, well, what time do you hear the shots? I think it was around 8.30am but my kid saw everything. everything. thank you. Take it away Jack. no Herb, Herb.
It sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay, why don't we talk to one of them Herb? you call me Mr. Welch. Alright, alright Mr. Welch. ask who saw the shooting. I know. who saw the shooting? my boy Ricky.
Ricky. Alright, come here. come here. I got him. no, no, no, no. what do you want me to do? ask him what he saw. What'd you see? I saw two guys come running out of the store and they jumped into a little red car. who's your favorite baseball player? What? Ricky, they didn't jump in a car, they jumped in a van. who are you? I'm his sister. Stupid, it was a car. it was a van. you don't remember. Yeah, I do. No, ow, hey.
Okay, Herb. Herb, Herb. quit hitting them with the microphone. Herb, this is ridiculous.
Stop it. What, What? Stop it.
Hey, I'm not going to take reporter lessons from some haircut. Well, maybe you should, because you're a lousy reporter. Hey, hey, excuse me, Jack. all due respect, I don't think you should tell him Mr. Welch so much. he's just a little confused, Alright? that's right. he went to a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but considering how old he is, he's done a pretty good job. this broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale's brill cream. No, it's not. you son of a bitch. Okay, okay, okay, Herb. Alright, this was a big mistake. we apologize to you at home. we'll follow up on that story later. coming up, some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. Oh, and some sad news. we've just received word that veteran reporter Herb Welch died five seconds ago. I'm not dead, you bastards. come on. |
dropout | my_new_year_s_resolution_is_to_get_my_dick_out_of_this_toaster_hardly_working | How's the salad? It's terrible, but my New Year's resolution is to eat a healthy lunch every day.
I know how you feel. I want a cigarette so bad, but I promised myself I would finally quit. I mean, I hear you guys. My New Year's resolution is to finally get my dick out of this toaster. I really think this is going to be my year.
I don't, um, I don't want to talk about this at all. Definitely not.
I'm also trying to lose 10 pounds. That's very ambitious. Yeah, it is. But by this time next year, I'm going to have the kind of dick I always dreamed about.
One that isn't stuck in a toaster. No, Trapp, we're talking about reasonable resolutions.
I think you need help. No, Pat, I don't need help because I'm going to get this done all by myself.
That feeling of seeing a goal and accomplishing it, that's the greatest feeling in the world. Except maybe getting a dick out of a toaster. This looks very serious.
You know how it is. Like, you try to get unstuck and you don't see results, so you get discouraged, you start to think maybe I can just, like, live with my dick in a toaster. You know how it is. You've been there.
No, I can't relate to anything you just said. Well, Trapp, this is just stupid.
Well, you're one of those guys who can just stick their dick in anything and not have it get stuck, specifically in toasters. I'm trying to cut carbs out of my diet.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
No, I, temptation's everywhere. I can't help myself. And next thing you know, I'm just, like, wrapped around a bunch of coils.
I don't really know what's going on in there, but it's stuck. Stuck for sure. I don't understand how this is possible.
Tell myself that every morning, Pat.
I've already tried so many things, guys. I've tried lubricants. I've tried brute force. I've tried the cancel button.
It makes the toast pop up, so why wouldn't it make a dick come out? I don't know. Nothing works, guys. It just isn't coming out.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but sure. Let's get your dick out of that toaster. All right. Come on, guys. This is going to be fun. Let's go. It's just down, twist, up, and pull.
I love this toaster, got him getting my dick, I love this toaster, I got him getting my dick, I love this toaster You did it buddy, I never knew I could Hey guys, it's my birthday so I brought in toasters for everybody Oh yeah, wow look at all of this Hi, I'm Teen Heartthrob Mike Trapp Click over here to subscribe to our channel and click over here to watch another video Don't say Teen Heartthrob Mike What? It's true, teens love me No, it sounds so creepy when you say that It's creepy, but it's teens like me a lot Stop saying teens It's not like a creepy way, I just mean like teens Don't say teens Fine, I'll stop saying teens Sounds like a pedophile |
dropout | why_the_hell_is_he_her_boyfriend | Oh wow, this must be Brad. Yay! Yeah, I was in the area, had to take a big old duty shit, thought I might as well take my little lady out to lunch. Slap her there. Yeah, sorry about that. It's our six month anniversary and we're so happy. Oh wow. So how did you guys meet again? Did he rescue you or something? No, we met online. That's crazy, I was walking around all week with a rock hard rod, had to get rid of that boner. Little did I know, I stumbled into friggin' love. Friggin' love. Nice.
Um, and you come from wealth. No, Brandon, he doesn't come from wealth. He had two stay at home parents growing up. His grandparents had to raise them, they were both meter maids, it's really sad.
Was this the handyman we hired? No, this is Brad, Katie's boyfriend. Him?
Yeah. Oh, I see. Do you have a Rags the Richest story? Didn't let you pass, didn't interfere with your future, climbed right up the social ladder, things like that. Yeah, I guess you could say that. Yeah.
I mean, I'm a receptionist at SoulCycle, but one day I'm gonna be in front of that class. I'm gonna be pumping everybody up.
Burn it! Right! Feel it! Feel it.
Oh, hey, this must be the guy we're casting as Grossman in the sketch tomorrow? No, this is Katie's boyfriend. No, what?
What I meant is you must have an amazing family, right? And you love that being with him lets you hang out with him? No, I've only met them once, actually, and they were just alright. Yeah, my dad's kind of a ball-buster.
Isn't he?
Yeah! Wow, a Sasquatch. It's Katie's boyfriend. Oh. Uh, hi. Wow, I bet you must be just full of adventure, right? I mean, you're just hoping that his fearlessness is gonna rub off on you?
God, no, he's never even been on a plane. Nah, dude. Not since 9-11. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to get on one of those terrorist airbuses.
Active shooter! Everybody get down! Oh, no, no, no, Zach. It's Katie's boyfriend.
Oh, right. Yeah, I know. Uh, sorry. Hey, man. It's cool.
It actually happens a lot. So you're like really smart or something, right? You challenge Katie intellectually and you take pleasure in your meaningful conversations.
I'm sorry if this is crossing a line, but your dick must be large. No need to apologize. Quite small, but I do have very long balls.
And you're very generous. Super nice. Yeah, I'm the sweetest Georgia peach you'll ever meet.
Oh! You have cool hobbies? Yeah, I like to drink.
He's dying and you feel bad? No, I'm very healthy.
Then what the fuck, Katie? How the hell could you be with someone like this? Can you give me a speech?
Guys, relax. Chill out.
I'll tell you. He has the only map to dry land tattooed on his back. Oh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Relief_For_White_America_A_Giggly_Gladys_An_Inclusive_Bluey_Cast_More_23_April | Clancy Overall here, editor of the Batutah Advocates, just me and Wendell, the young fellow this week, Errol Parker is still down in Canberra, trying to get inside the press gallery, we've tried many times, he's gone down to take it to him, I don't think they'll let us in there, they don't want this kind of truth and honesty and bi-partisan balance reporting, holding truth to power, they don't want us anywhere near the Capitol, that's for sure. How are you going Wendell? Yeah very well thanks Clancy, it's disgusting what they're doing down there, all the applications and paperwork they've tried to make him fill out down there, but hopefully he keeps at it and hopefully they let us fucking in. Well if Spears was still there we might have a chance but I don't know which kind of media elitah running the press gallery nowadays. He looks like he's having fun though, so it could be worse I guess, worse places to be.
And we'll rip straight in with some international news this week, and the headline reads, well thank goodness that's all over, says White America. Of course that comes after a murderer who got caught committing murder on video was found guilty of murder. What a relief for the white people of America's college dorms and speedways, with the jailing of a cop who murdered an unarmed black man in front of a group of bystanders this week. White America enters a new dawn where they never have to worry about the fact that their experience with law enforcement is wildly different to the families who live in suburbs where it's a bit harder to vote. Yes and it's also come as a bit of a relief to a lot of white Australians here in our very own country who are glad to see the back of the whole saga.
Now Ben Exton left a very angry comment on that story, he said, Fentanyl induces respiratory depression, it kills people all the time, are people just going to ignore that he had three times the lethal dose in his system? Well Ben Exton, it looks like you've been rather had there by the fake news. Words the wise, don't trust any newspapers that have a crosshair in their logos that might be leading you down the path of far right, borderline Nazi conspiracies, Ben woo up a little bit there mate. What else is in the news Wendell?
Well we've got a bit of a positive story now from down in Sydney and Hot Mess Gladys awkwardly over giggles as Chris Hemsworth makes a joke about Mondays, quite a nice photo that was accompanying that one. Yes Hot Mess Gladys is back with all the blatant corruption stuff in the rearview, everyone's favourite hopeless romantic state premiere has returned to the spotlight with multiple outbursts of giggles while talking to Hollywood hottie Chris Hemsworth this week. Yeah that was a few days ago when the pair were holding a press conference about that new Mad Max film which is apparently set to be filmed in Australia, they engaged in a little bit of chit chat afterwards where Gladys ended up on the verge of snorting after Hemsworth made a joke about Mondayitis or something along those lines, apparently she also introduced herself as Chris at the start of the little meeting. Ah love that for her, poor old Gladys, Hot Mess Gladys is back though, the girls are happy.
Great to see, now in some entertainment news, and the writers of the children's show Bluey have satisfied Twitter diversity demands by introducing a pity rescued from a dog fighting ring. Yes the writers behind ABC's hit kids cartoon Bluey have this week neutralised an echo chamber culture wars debate that had the potential to end up in university curriculums if it was not addressed immediately. And if you aren't familiar with the show or you don't waste your time on Twitter Bluey is an extremely popular kids show that's become a bit of a global phenomenon and they'd come under fire recently with people asking why these fictional canines aren't adhering to the same performatively diverse checkpoints as non-cartoons on the public broadcaster. Yes thankfully this whole debate has been solved with the introduction of Chainsaw, he's a former dog fighting pit bull from Helensvale who was rescued by a couple of inner city purple haired lesbians, the dog is believed to attack someone at least once an episode as he descends into a violent rage caused by a horrible upbringing and mistreatment at the hands of people he trusted. The introduction of this character is a piece the vocal social media uses and the blue tick elites on Twitter who aren't familiar with that specific background of the low socio-economic. Not everyone though Ben Johnson wade in to this story in the comments section on our social media saying wow another dog, how tone deaf can you be? The writers unwillingness to introduce an animal of another species is sickening and speaks volumes about the systematic oppression of this narcissistic series grow up.
A little bit further north of the Ultimo Kremlin now and no jab for me says Byron woman who lets untrained colonics guru blast her rectum with litres of water every week. Now you've had one of these things before as you mentioned last week Clancy, if people aren't really sure about what they are how would you describe the process? I would describe it as a wildly unscientific procedure that some people get they believe cleaning their insides from the arsehole removes toxins from the body I'm not really sure it was wildly unpleasant it was a girlfriend I was seeing at the time convinced me to do it with her she did it once a month I can't imagine it's too good for you but it is very popular in the northern rivers I believe in fact it's considered to be even more medically sound than vaccinations which they all seem quite opposed to up there. Yeah Emerald Benay the influencer that we spoke to who lives just off Watego's beach said exactly that while she doesn't agree with doctors trying to jab her arm and she's gonna stand firm and will not have the COVID vaccine jab she's somehow backed the theory of colonic irrigation therapy which she gets in the garage of an untrained hippie who also treats her scoliosis through traditional Chinese acupuncture needles to the spine that he also has no idea how to use bit weird there isn't it? She's not getting the COVID vaccine and there's nothing our authoritarian government can do about that though she did insist.
I guess that is her legal right now our final story is from a similar sector of society and a ex-Steiner school kid has revealed she struggles to count past 10 without her trusty bongo drum. Yes a recent graduate from the Batuta Heights Steiner School has revealed to us that she made it through her educational years without being able to do big things like multiplication and count past 10 of course without her novelty instruments. Yeah she said to us my teachers tried to teach us our times tables with slam poetry, tambourines and bongo drums but unfortunately it just didn't work. I've learned how to not use my fingers for counting anymore though but I do keep a mini bongo drum in my purse just in case for any tricky circumstances. Split the bill yeah you know doing the math before you know departing on a bit of a big trip she you know that's how she has to bring out the bongo drum when she's trying to figure out how long it's trying to take her to get to Longreach. She leaves at six in the morning it's you know it's a tricky life but that's that's the way of edutainment I guess it's a it's a different way of doing things. She has created a sensational recent artwork series though so credit to her for that. Anyway that's all we've got time for today hopefully Errol Parker is back with us in the booth next week but until then goodbye. |
TheOnion | Catholic_Leaders_Transfer_Alluring_Children_To_Another_Church_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_26 | Vatican officials have responded to parishioners' concern about the Church's mishandling of a decades-long sexual abuse scandal, but will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough? From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Stay with us. Get quick and easy $100 payments to my preacher who promises God will pay me back tenfold for my faith. Download today because it's never too late to save yourself, and you'll get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
Vatican leaders are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, but change may be on the way. In a press conference yesterday, Vatican spokesperson Matteo Bruni laid out a radical new plan to remove thousands of alluring, at-risk children from their home churches. We take all allegations of abuse extremely seriously, which is why, beginning earlier this month, we have started rounding up our sexiest choir boys and most fuckable First Communicants, and began the process of transferring their young, hard bodies to other parishes, far away from any priest who would be tempted to act on his primal urges.
Here with the details is OPR reporter Marcy Hammond. Hello, Marcy. Hi, Leslie.
So these allegations go back decades. Why is the Catholic Church doing this now? Well, Bruni acknowledged the Church did know about the abuse, but believes this step will allow the community to put all the horrible trauma in the past once and for all. And I spoke with several priests who believe removing the preteens is an important first step toward finally beginning to heal from it all. Yes, I feel much safer now that the children are gone. As a man of God, I need to be able to follow His word without the fear of those CCD cuties tempting me with their virgin flesh. So a positive response from priests, but how are parishioners responding? Not quite as optimistic. The overall feeling I got from congregants is that these actions are simply not enough and just a temporary Band-Aid solution at best. Sure, it's a start, but it has left many of them wondering, what will the Church do a few years from now when there's a whole new batch of hunky altar boys tempting their pastors? Looks like Church leaders will need to do more to win back the trust of their flock.
OPR's Marcy Hammond reporting. Thank you, Marcy. Thank you.
Exclusive audio just obtained by OPR may shed light on the alarming trend of North American birds rapidly disappearing over the past decades. Recorded in the attic of Audubon Society President David Yarnold, the tape appears to reveal the conservationist spending his mornings feeding nearly 2.9 billion birds in his home that were previously thought missing by avian researchers.
Good morning! How are my precious angels doing today? Oh my goodness, you all look so very hungry. Who wants some breadcrumbs? For more, I'm joined by OPR correspondent Loretta Cook. Hi Loretta. Hello.
So, these recordings, troubling to say the least. Yeah, in them we hear the Audubon Society President going about what is apparently his daily routine of feeding, cleaning, and tending to what expert audio analysis suggests are nearly 3 billion birds stowed in his attic. Loretta, let me ask you right away. How does this look for Yarnold? To put it bluntly, not good.
His organization's mission is to conserve and protect birds for the benefit of humanity. Meanwhile, Yarnold is depriving Americans of access to 700,000 ruby-throated hummingbirds by keeping them in his attic. And that's not even taking into account the nearly 3 million crows, pigeons, and sparrows reportedly nesting in his rafters.
It's so nice to have you all to myself. And here's a little treat of herring for Mr. Pebble the Pelican, and some shrimp for Miss Flamingo over here. Oh my, you're all in such a happy mood. Come over here, Sherbet O'Donohue. Let me stroke your gorgeous feathers. It's really shocking stuff. Absolutely.
I spoke with Yarnold's landlord, Kevin Fennigan, who first became suspicious after getting complaints from neighbors about a deafening amount of squawking and cawing coming from Yarnold's residence. Well, as you can hear, we're about two blocks away and these birds are pretty loud, so I definitely had suspicions myself. Plus he had a few thousand hoses rigged up into his attic. I guess those are for keeping the ducks he's got up there refreshed. And have you spoken with him? Well, yeah, but he kept trying to convince me that he just has one cockatoo up there. I'm like, then why are you shoveling a couple thousand tons of bird crap every day? Interesting. So Loretta, has anyone taken action to get the birds out of there? Well, unfortunately, Yarnold hasn't been unlocking his door for concerned conservationists who have urged that taking almost three billion birds out of the ecosystem has devastating environmental impacts. But they aren't the only ones who are taking issue with Yarnold's actions. Look, this guy's obviously nuts. These birds are clearly all he has, but if he's gonna have all these pets, he's gotta pay the $50 deposit.
Well, let's hope for a speedy resolution to that situation. Loretta, thank you. Thank you. Hear that?
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Hmm, I probably shouldn't have taken these at work. There's news you want to know today and news you need to know today. These are the second one. Advocacy groups are urging the NCAA to take extra precautions with this year's men's basketball tournament amid the coronavirus outbreak, and are even urging NCAA officials to hold March Madness games without any Duke fans present.
In global news, the city of Dubai has begun construction on the world's tallest mountain. They're hoping to finally top Mount Everest, which Nepal successfully built 29,000 feet high in 1992.
And finally, a quick announcement to the OPR office. I'm not sure how this became a thing, but if everyone would please stop leaving their dirty dishes on my desk at the end of the day, I'd really appreciate it. Not only is it gross, but it also takes me a long time to clean up, so knock it off.
That's it for The Topical. I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow for the inspiring true story of a man who paid off an entire town's school lunch debts, all so that 300 elementary schoolers would owe him one. All that and more tomorrow on The Topical. |
dropout | everyone_is_waiting_to_talk_about_themselves | Palm Springs is just so beautiful. I mean, it's hot, but it's like a dry heat. And anyway, we spent most of the weekend just lounging by the pool. Oh, hanging out by the pool. That reminds me of my belly flop story.
Can't just start telling it now, though. I'll just think about it until Siobhan finishes talking.
Completely naked.
That reminds me, last summer, I was house-sitting for my uncle Danny Elfman. Oh, summer! Oh, they're gonna love my Cancun food poisoning story. God, it's so good.
I can't believe we're wasting all our time on Zach's boring story instead. Why are you still talking?
There, there, there, there. Steven Spielberg himself was there. Cool, I have a story about Cancun and eating tacos there in the summer. Tacos! That reminds me of the time I drove a taco truck to California. So then I woke up in a hospital next to Keith David. Good, I have a story.
Oh, oh, oh, you go ahead. No, no, no, you go. Stop it. Okay, quit talking. Stop, it's my turn. Be done, finish now! Okay, I'm just gonna go.
So interesting. Fuck! Five, I had just landed in New York City. New York, me story, me, New York, the story, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, me though. Me, taco, taco story, me, me! There were 17 bodies found in this. Great, so I have a story about New York City. No, me, me! Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Sorry to interrupt, did you guys say Emily? No! But it was a wrap. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Emily! Filled it up, and that's how I wanna key the city and the key to my wife's heart. Going back a few stories, I had a taco, taco. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
SaturdayNightLive | marzipan_snl | What do little children yearn for this time of year? the sweet treat they ask Santa for more than any other. the confection they dream of most of all. is it candy canes? hershey queses? Now it's.
Marzipan! Yay! that's right, Marzipan. the mostly almond, almost candy from Bucker, Germany. with the flavor of nuts, but the texture of nuts. And what is its name? Marzipan! Marzipan! in any shape you can think of, as long as you mostly think of banana. mine's a little apple. and mine's a pear. mine's a little unshaped log.
Me too. the child's choice. the candy with as much protein as a bite of steak. But don't take it from me. take it from these strange, richest children. I love marzipan. you can almost taste the taste. I used to think that the best candy was circus peanuts. but now I know, it's Marzipan. if a stranger said to me, come in my car, I've got candy, I'd say no. But if they said I have marzipan, I'd say object me, baby. as soon as you finish one, you'll want another. and that's probably enough. Just remember, don't eat it within 12 hours of going to sleep, or after 12 hours of waking up. Now, children, would you like to see our expert chef making a fresh batch?
Me. I'll go. I'm oldest. Hello there.
I'm making Marzipan. is the recipe a secret? Yes. is it just almonds? yes. do you mush them up? Yes. And then it's Marzipan? Yes. wait. let's see if the batch is ready. Yuck. it's perfect. And remember, it must be refrigerated and consumed within 50 years. Fine.
Now, look what I have, children. is that what I think it is? That's right. a brand new pack of M. Oh! it's a pig. mine's a baby's arse. I think that's a pear. mine's a little me. But oh no. one is missing. someone has stolen a marzipan. Oh, silly me. All right, children. time for the big number. the Marzipan reesong.
I can't do a marzipan. children love a special treat. How about one that's almost sweet? I'd like a bite if I could. gay, very sweet, almost good. If my marzipan could talk, I would say I'd taste like chocolate. Marzipan, you'll believe your mouth in the German aisle of Cbs. |
TheOnion | Alex_Smith_Boasts_49ers_Have_What_It_Takes_To_Win_Despite_Him | If the SEC can beat the SEC, that proves that nobody can beat the SEC. I'm not disputing that, but are we sure they didn't have the wrong Tigers? I mean, maybe it was supposed to be awesome. Well, maybe it was.
All right, shut up and get your head into the clouds. It's time for What's That Cloud Look Like. Hope you remember how to play, Greengrass. Not a hard game, Kenny. Jesus, what the hell is that?
It's Alex Smith's tongue, you dummy, which he's been flapping lately, boasting his 49ers are good enough to win despite him. Hey, Alex Smith, but love the confidence. I'd be worried if I were the Saints. Smith is living proof that there's no quarterback more dangerous than one who can win without playing well. I hate him and his confidence. Quit talking about being carried by your teammates and prove it on the field. Show us once and for all you're useless without Frank Gore and a tough defense. His team is 13-3 and Smith threw for less than 200 yards a game. This freeloader has nothing left to prove. He has to prove how superfluous he is in the playoffs. Is Smith really a guy who can take a sack on third and one, but then get the ball back on a Muff-Faircrest? Yes he is, and I guarantee Vernon Davis will have to wrestle at least one badly underthrown lob away from a cornerback in the end zone.
You're going to eat your words. Now I disown all my words the second I say them. Next cloud.
This one's a giddy Tom Coughlin. Oh, you read that off the prompter. So what? Coughlin reacted to the Giants' first round domination of the Falcons by freaking everyone out with a bizarre, uncharacteristic smile. In his post-game interview, Coughlin used the words excited and fun, but didn't follow them with his usual hissing sound. He also walked around the locker room praising players for doing well.
Everyone is on edge right now. Yeah, something's obviously very wrong, but no one knows what. He might actually be happy about the way the Giants are playing, or he might be dying. I'll bet you anything he's already dead, and someone else is inhabiting his course. Crazy days in New York.
Look how small Brandon Jacobs is this week. They explained that picture. He was just far away. Much like this cloud. Um, is that another Tom Coughlin or a cat? I emailed Doc and told him you'd never get that cloud. I can't believe that's something you talk about.
It's a cloud with pinstripes for Bernie Williams, the former Yankee who was denied entry into baseball's Hall of Fame this week because of what voters called that fruity jazz guitar thing of his. Bernie's chances for the Hall shouldn't ride on whether or not he released an album called The Journey Within featuring both a song called Stranded on the Bridge and a cover of Kansas' Dust in the Wind. Yes, those are good reasons to deport the man, but this should be about his performance on the field. He was a weak-armed outfielder who only had 287 home runs and never led the league in any major offensive matter. Great. Well, that and the fact that he played stupid jazz guitar.
Sorry, I can't separate them. Alright, those are all the clouds we could find, but stick around after the break.
We're going to talk about Tim Tebow until we fall asleep. No one can fall asleep to your voice, even if you are talking about Tebow. |
cracked | why_the_right_is_so_dishonest_about_american_history_some_news_thanksgiving_football | Here's some news, America is having a reasoned, healthy debate about the cause of the Civil War. The year now is 1866, and the losing enemy, the Confederacy, was... what's... what's... couldn't be 2017. That's this year. Oh yes, I see. Here's some old news, the Civil War was caused by slavery.
And here's some news, the President, the Chief of Staff, Press Secretary, and a large portion of the population seems to think it wasn't. We as a nation are having a crisis of both fake news and fake history, relitigating the Civil War, defending Christopher Columbus, downplaying the genocide of Native Americans, and taking of their lands, and it's bizarre. And Thanksgiving is coming up, so we thought it would be a good opportunity to get into our country's history of war, racism, genocide, and f***ing football. But first we have to back up, because in 2017 we need to relitigate all of documented history in order to discuss simple topics. For example, whenever Columbus Day rolls around, many point out that Christopher Columbus was actually an idiot and dum-dum who didn't actually discover America or prove the Earth was round, thought the planet was smaller than everyone else said it was, turned out to be wrong, then abused and enslaved the natives for the purposes of acquiring gold from their land.
And those are just the facts. And that should be the end of it, you'd think. Okay?
Christopher Columbus was a savage man who didn't discover North America, didn't prove the Earth was round, did enslave and brutalize the nice people he found, there were journal entries literally from him describing the natives being kind and bringing them things, having no knowledge of guns so they'd be easy to enslave, and then he went back to Spain to get more ships to load up with slaves, and then brutally forced others to mine for gold. On his face, and in his skull, Christopher Columbus isn't worth taking a whole day to celebrate.
And that's it. We're done?
Probably not, because every Columbus Day, the right tends to point out other general sort of half-truths about generally Native Americans, or history in general, to dismiss the idea that f*** Christopher Columbus in videos called Thanksgiving, a politically incorrect guide, which is a weird way to spell historically. Instead of talking about Christopher Columbus of Columbus Day fame's actions in the 1490s, we hear things like, so, you think Native Americans were peaceful until Columbus showed up? Again, about scalping and cannibalism. Okay, come with me in a world of imagination, use your, use your imaginer, because, sorry, I thought we were talking about Christopher Columbus of Columbus Day fame, and his actions around 1492, but, okay, okay, okay, fine, various Native Americans scalped their enemies from before 1492 to after 1492, and colonials offered bounties for scalps in the 1600s, but to be fair, at first the bounties were foreheads. In 1756, Pennsylvania passed the Scalp Act for scalps, Confederate guerrillas scalped Union soldiers in the Civil War, oh, right, the Civil War, we'll talk about that, but anyway, some tribes participated in cannibalism of their fallen enemies, and other tribes thought it was a real gross no-no, but again, what does that have to do with Columbus Day? Don't know, but hey, aside from Native Americans being brutally violent, the most brutally violent of everybody, from anywhere, they were also technologically regressive and didn't even use the wheel, happy hashtag Columbus Day, well, first of all, regressive means they were becoming less advanced, not that they weren't as advanced as others, so nice try, word-wise, but some of them did invent a wheel, they just didn't use them for hauling because they hadn't domesticated draft animals yet, and also, Europeans didn't invent the wheel, Sumerians did, and then the concept spread across the continents over the next thousands of years. There's this idea of Native Americans' savagery and settler superiority that perhaps can be best summed up by a video from Ben Shapiro's website, The Daily Wire. The video has since been removed, but it depicted the Native Americans as all violent savages and cannibals, until Christopher Columbus arrived and kindly introduced them to eating utensils, which they already had, taught them how to build things, taught them how to cultivate corn, which is the opposite of what happened, so we should celebrate Columbus Day, because Native Americans contributed nothing, like, for example, the cultivation of corn, the industry of which made 63 billion dollars in 2014. Shapiro claimed the video was satire, which, no, unless you were making fun of what you actually think about Columbus Day, because it's just a slight exaggeration of what these arguments always are. After removing the satire video, Ben clarified that Columbus Day is worth celebrating.
Despite some awful wrongs, Western civilization's cultivation of the Americas is a historical good, which is literally unknowable. It's the civil, facts don't care about your feelings, of Ayn Rand's, any white person who brought the element of civilization had the right to take over this continent. It's the not explicitly a racist version of Richard Spencer's, Have you ever, for a second, considered that if they were able to stay in the countries where they were born and lived and weren't forcibly removed, that those continents might be in a better state now? I seriously doubt that.
The video lists off all of the things white people did after Christopher Columbus discovered America, like written language, mathematics, and philosophy, and broadly, books, despite the Native Americans' written languages and their almanacs, which were invented thousands of years before Europeans invented almanacs. Other post-Columbus contributions are medicine, even though Native Americans invented the syringe and had medicine, and had anesthetics, which the West didn't have until the mid-18th century. They contributed not scalping, which we've already covered. And football, which we'll cover. But also, Native Americans invented lacrosse. And they say horses as if there were horses in North America. There weren't. So when all is said and done, a little in column A, a little in column racist.
Also, if we're really talking influence and innovation that contributed to the historical good, the American government was heavily based off of the Iroquois Confederacy. In 1988, the US Senate acknowledged the Confederation of the original 13 colonies into one republic was influenced by the Iroquois Confederacy, as were many of the democratic principles which were incorporated into the Constitution itself.
So instead of debunking the myth that settlers from the Mayflower gave the natives diseased blankets, while ignoring the fact that colonial officers in the 1700s literally wrote about giving diseased blankets to natives for the desired effect of killing them, it would be so much easier to admit that Christopher Columbus fucking sucked. And that celebrating him is like the aliens in Independence Day arriving in a planet with lesser technology and some better technology and various factions with some uncivilized and brutal behavior, giving 90% of us a deadly cold partly by accident and then mostly on purpose, slaughtering most of the rest of us and then celebrating goo tentacle mothership day instead of human day to remember and pay respect to the victims and cultures and civilizations lost to their terrible atrocities. Maybe it's just more respectful and historically and intellectually honest to just call Columbus Day Indigenous People's Day to actually educate about our history. How trigger warning. And be honest about the gray areas. Then maybe alt-right journalists with White House press passes like Gateway Pundits Lucy and Winchrich or Petty Joke Junction, Toby McGuire's cameo as Harry Potter in Twilight. Maybe he'll pause and think before tweeting pictures of a family giving the finger to Mount Rushmore while complaining about all these immigrants coming into our country, taking our stuff and then insulting our history. Only to hopefully at some point realize that oh, those are Native Americans flipping off Mount Rushmore. A Lakota mountain called Six Grandfathers renamed after a lawyer from New York and then carved with figures representing among other things the taking of native lands and depletion of the native people. I'm not gonna say this was racist, but it did have to do with the something of their skin. Can we get the president to weigh in on this? They don't look like Indians to me. Good quote from the president. And it took us way too long to arrive at Columbus Sucks and all of your arguments against that have nothing to do with him and are also pretty inaccurate and disingenuous. So hey, happy disingenuous people's day.
It's 2017 and the Civil War started because of lack of compromise despite there literally being compromises with compromise in the name. And also those compromises were about slavery, which people say the Civil War wasn't about, but of course it fucking was. The vice president of the Confederacy literally said in his speech, our new government is founded upon exactly this idea. Its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man, that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first in the history of the world based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth. The truth being, Civil War was about slavery.
Robert D. Lee was a traitor to America, so statues of him are dumb. Sure, some that guy from earlier might say, anyone with even a remote sense of military history knows what a brilliant General Lee was, except no, he lost, and that has nothing to do with him being a traitor who fought for slavery. Ah, that Hitler sure could give a speech. Let's give him statues.
It's all just some disingenuous trash spouted by liars, and yeah, racists. How is this a conversation we're still having? This is old dudes. We're taking a cue on the Civil War from Donald fucking Trump. At his golf course in Virginia, there's a plaque commemorating the River of Blood, which is a thing he made up about battles that never happened, and when confronted about it by historians, he said, quote, how would they know that? Where were they? God, what a disaster. Thanksgiving's coming up.
I wanted to talk about football. So okay, here's a segment we like to call some sports, about which I know quite a bit and in which I participate quite well. Football is so in the news, you guys.
The president's mad that players are protesting for racial justice. People are arguing if there even is racial injustice.
Papa John's blamed the NFL protests for dwindling pizza sales. Neo-Nazis claimed Papa John's to be the official pizza of Neo-Nazis, and then Papa John asked Neo-Nazis to please not buy their pizza.
It's fucking wild. It's a wild year.
But this isn't an episode of some news. It's some old news. So here's some old news.
Football was invented because the Civil War ended and we were done exploring the frontier, so we needed new ways for young men to be violent. The similarities between war and football are pretty obvious, but it was a deliberate decision to keep alive the martial spirit. We needed a new way to be tough, to be men, so football. First season of football ever, Rutgers and Princeton played each other 10 times. The second season, they added a third team, Columbia University, which fun story currently named after another word for America, Columbia, which is based off of Christopher Columbus, though the school was originally founded as King's College for King George II, but it was changed after the American Revolution against King George II's son, George, to reflect history and context. Anyway, football.
Born from American anxieties about men becoming too soft, was also born from anxiety about race and how best to Americanize foreigners now that war and frontier times were over. One attempt was the Carlisle Indian Industrial School, started by Richard Henry Pratt in order to take Native Americans from their homes, strip them of their culture, and teach them how to be American. He often used the phrase, kill the Indian, save the man. Though, to be fair, he did genuinely want to help them be accepted by the rest of America, but to be balanced, he also had them beaten if they used their native language. Anyway, again, Pratt formed a football team at the school, the Carlisle Indians, and they were so incredible and innovative, they made the game more popular, have the best winning percentage of any defund college team, invented trick plays that eventually had to be prohibited, invented the play action pass, and invented the overhand spiral throw, also known as throwing the football. So maybe Native Americans actually did kind of invent football.
Speaking of football, head and body injuries. So many, in fact, and deaths in the early 20th century that the president of the time stepped in to institute safety regulations and rule changes to try to save lives. Though he did write that he would not emasculate football. Teddy Roosevelt was very concerned about American manhood, which is why he so strongly supported this start of the Boy Scouts of America. Do we have a clip of a president being a man in front of the Boy Scouts of America? Do you remember that incredible night with the maps and the Republicans are red and the Democrats are blue and that map was so red, it was unbelievable and they didn't know what to say. Didn't think so. But football is about preserving masculinity with not that femme prancing around. Do we have a clip of the president wishing football was more violent and dangerous?
Today, if you hit too hard, right? They hit too hard. 15 yards, throw him out of the game. They're ruining the game.
Thought so. That's right, the president is very obsessed with football. Tweets about it a lot. Twitter, by the way, not invented by Native Americans. So we should celebrate Columbus Day. But yeah, the president is pretty obsessed with yelling at football players for kneeling during the national anthem. After former NFL quarterback and current blackball and former NFL quarterback, Colin Kaepernick began protesting to bring attention to racial injustice and to think an athlete protesting. Imagine. And whether or not you agree with Kaepernick, he certainly has the right to protest, as do the other players.
But it's being framed as disrespecting the flag, even though this country was built on protest and the freedom to protest. And the flag code says that you shouldn't put the flag horizontally or use it in advertisements or put it on disposable things like napkins or wear it as a costume. And sure, the American Legion says you can wear articles of clothing that are red, white, and blue with stars and stripes, but it doesn't say costume. And in 1989, Congress revised the definition of the U.S. flag to include a U.S. flag or any part thereof made of any substance of any size in a form that is commonly displayed. And the flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything. And the president needs to be reminded to put his hand on his heart during the national anthem and hugs the flag because when you're famous, they let you do it. He's not a bastion of flag respecting. And also, the flag code is merely a set of guidelines. And also, and I don't think the president knows this, because it's on the last page of the flag code and, you know, pages. But the president can alter the rules for presenting the flag to whatever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants.
And that's true. Don't tell him.
You know what's disrespecting the American flag at a sporting event? Confederate flags everywhere, for fuck's sake. In Germany, they outlawed Nazi symbols and gestures. So sometimes Nazis in Germany fly the Confederate flag instead. I wonder why, for fuck's sake. And actually, a year before the Carlisle Indians formed, our precious pledge of allegiance was written by a socialist, Francis Bellamy, who was also severely racist, anti-immigration, and worried that mingling with certain races would lower America's racial standards.
But anywho, before World War II, we didn't put our hands over our hearts. We did what looked like a Nazi salute. So we stopped doing it. Well, a lot of us did. And instead, we put our hand over our heart. Well, most of the time.
So maybe kneeling in protest isn't disrespecting the flag. But is it disrespecting the military? Well, opinions among veterans are pretty mixed on that. Some say yes, others say the right to protest is one of the reasons they fight. When Kaepernick first started his protest, he merely sat down during the anthem. But after talking about it with former sea hawk and Green Beret, Nate Boyer, they decided a better way to protest while maintaining respect for the troops was to kneel.
But who knows? Maybe five-time draft dodger and proponent of using the military to go into Libya and take their oil and also President Donald Trump might know better. There's nobody bigger or better at the military than I am. I am the most military-based and the most militaristic person on your show. More about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.
You may not agree with Black Lives Matter protests or Kaepernick, but he can do it. And just consider that for hundreds of years, black people were seen as subhuman and were slaves in America. And then they were begrudgingly, via war, freed. And then laws were enacted to segregate and oppress them. And then 100 years of that institutional racism went by. And then we passed the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act. And then 52 years passed and it's now. And there's no racism? Kaepernick's protest makes people uncomfortable because race makes people uncomfortable. And Black Lives Matter protests make people uncomfortable. And the same was true during the Civil Rights Movement. It's why a lot of Confederate monuments went up during that period, out of spite. Here's a political cartoon from those days depicting Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. conveniently labeled, saying, I look forward to another nonviolent march tomorrow, but there's broken stuff around him, which sounds familiar because 2017 doesn't discriminate in terms of different periods of American history.
We have to keep reliving. People tell the NFL players to just shut up about politics and play football. Well, they didn't tell the president to shut up about politics and build hotels and fire people on TV for your entertainment. And athletics were meant to create leaders and to train young men to manage the burden of carrying on this country in the best way. So maybe it's okay to look to them. People call the players cowards for kneeling, but they're lending their voice to those who don't have one about something they're passionate about to make things better in the face of threats from their boss and literally the president of a country. And then they stand up and go play a game that causes brain damage to 99% of its participants.
At this point, you might mention many of the greedy players' high salaries, which, fun story, got significantly higher in the NFL after Donald Trump bought a USFL team in the 80s and offered NFL players more money to play for him at the USFL, but instead they art of the deal to him and took offers of even more money at the NFL. Then Trump tried to destroy the NFL by convincing the USFL to move from the spring to the fall, defeating the entire purpose of having a second league, and the USFL collapsed, sued the NFL. Trump brought in his own lawyer, Harvey, quote, he's the greatest, end quote, myerson, who was later jailed for a phony billing scheme. The USFL won three bucks, but only because antitrust settlements are tripled, and then Trump was like, oh well, and moved on to focus on casinos in Atlantic City, which also failed.
And a year or two went by, and let's see, called to bring back the death penalty for five young black men who were proven to be not guilty. That's probably relevant to this conversation somehow. What's the topic of this conversation?
Football, Native Americans, Thanksgiving? Yeah, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
It's almost time for the turkey pardon, a dumb tradition that started in 1989, the year Donald Trump called to bring back the death penalty for five young black men who were proven to be not guilty. The first official turkey pardon was by George H.W. Bush in 89, but it was informally begun by American hero Ronald Reagan, who made a joke about pardoning a turkey after being asked too much about whether or not he would pardon Oliver North for crimes. Oh, if only we could live in the days when our president avoided questions about crimes and also probably has to pardon a lot of people he knows for crimes. So the turkey's coming up, and maybe he'll pardon it, or maybe he'll get rid of it, you know?
That seems appropriate. He has a habit of showing up, fucking things up, then leaving. And who cares? Pardoning turkeys is dumb, and based off of the president avoiding important questions, and maybe he'll also destroy the NFL, ultimately. And honestly, that's probably okay. There are a lot of reasons the NFL is bad. It's just unfortunate that the 2017 version of history says that the bad thing is this.
Happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble. Which is, that's what the turkey says. Hey everybody, thanks for watching. Make sure to like and subscribe. In the early 2010s, the military paid the NFL millions of dollars to make sure they did patriotic displays before games like flyovers and the national anthem.
That's relevant, right? That's relevant. |
dropout | Huge_Idiot_Climbs_Mount_Everest_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I am absolutely breathtaking. And I am the other. Tonight, the incredible story of a dog who managed to call 911 when his owner wouldn't shut the fuck up about Soylent. And we catch up with the guy who called me a nasty little bastard on Instagram last week to see if he's so goddamn tough in person. But our top story tonight is an inspiring tale of athletic achievement.
An Indiana man just became the biggest dumbass ever to summon Mount Everest. That's right, Brian Miller of Indianapolis, Indiana reached the peak of the mountain this Monday, all despite the fact that he has straight up shit for brains. Sources close to Brian report that he is a big time idiot who loves to do things like trying to ride a large dog like a horse, getting his head stuck between the posts of a fence, and screaming because he thought he saw a monster but is really just one of those really big potted plants. According to his climbing partner, when he when he summoned in the mountain, he said, Oh, yeah, like the Kool Aid man and immediately afterward, just amazing. This achievement will surely be an inspiration to idiots everywhere.
Well said other. Now with a special report on some fascinating health news. We have a reporter in the field outstanding debut outstanding. Thanks. Absolutely.
I'm here at St. Katie's Hospital where for the first time ever, a group of surgeons has successfully removed a man's arm and run away with it. Craig Dale Daniel went to the hospital for a routine tonsillectomy yesterday morning, but his team of doctors immediately became preoccupied with his arm, which he says they call a gorgeous specimen too good to be true. The Beelze of Arms. Sounds like one beautiful arm. That's right. In an incredibly risky procedure, the doctors sawed off the limb and ran out of the hospital with it screaming time to hit comma baby.
We're going to take this arm to the oceans kiss our asses suckers. We've been waiting for this day for years free arm free arm whoop whoop whoop.
Wow. Good for them. Good indeed.
This groundbreaking surgery could pave the way for doctors around the world to run off with whatever body parts they like and have the time of their sad little lives. We all know that doctors are the saddest professionals, right guys? They were big time nerds in high school and only became doctors because of another lack of imagination for what their lives could be like. Becoming a doctor, jeez, much like becoming a lawyer says to the world, I have no vision for what my short time on earth will be other than what society tells me. I'm a sad sheep and one day my unremarkable death will be forgotten in a very short time.
Wow. What a story. Thanks. Outstanding. No problem. I'm outstanding debut.
And I read the news. Italian accent. In just a few minutes, we'll hear from a generous little boy who raised $5,000 for tall people before finding out that being tall isn't a problem. And later we'll bust some common misconceptions about my Nona Ernest style.
Right now we're going to hear from our entertainment reporter, Moose Guy. Moose. It's me. Moose Guy. And I'm here to give you the Moose Guy take on all things entertainment. Right now, I'd like to get something off my chest.
I never saw It Chapter Two. I know I gave a report on it last week and called it the biggest sack of shit to hit theaters since the movie about the awful man named Shrek. The truth is I made up that review because I never saw It Chapter Two and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry I said that the clown in It Chapter Two looked like he probably had a big butt. I'm sorry that I said the children acting in the movie were less talented than Howie Mandel and then elaborated to explain that I personally consider Howie Mandel to be the worst performer of the 21st century. I'm sorry that I said that It Chapter Two was so bad it made me go home and light my wife's favorite candle on fire.
Not the wig part, but the candle itself, ruining it. I did not actually do that. The candle is still intact.
I am sorry for the way I deceived all of you. That's a major confession, Moose Guy. I have to know, what caused you to miss the movie? I am ashamed to say that I was at a different theater that I walked into where I was seeing Shrek again. How humiliating.
Thanks for your report, Moose Guy. Moose Guy, out. After this, we'll hear about a fascinating new conservation program that pairs whales up with pandas to see if they can get that whole thing figured out on their own.
But first, this week's loser is me. It was me. Surprise, everyone. Thanks for watching. Bye-bye.
Good game.
That was a tough one. That was hard. That was a tough one. That's what I said.
But it's funny when she says it. Why is it funny when she... Why is it funny when she says it? |
cracked | 8_reasons_game_designers_are_sadists | Oh, thank god, I thought, um, I don't know what I thought. Try to liberate Yharnam from the shape-shifting tyranny of evil werewolves. So what game is this? Nightmare creatures? No, it's not nightmare creatures.
How do you even know that reference? I'm not even sure I get that reference.
Anyway, this is Bloodborne. I'm a Victorian monster hunter carving a bloody path of righteousness through the diseased hellscape of a town plagued by rampant monster attacks.
Yeah, it's really gotten out of control lately. I blame the police, because I love to do that, but so far there's been no evidence of any municipal infrastructure I can see.
Oh, this is kind of like Van Helsing. I love that movie. What? No, this is nothing like Van Helsing. Your guy looks just like him. No. Big code, fancy hat, necronistic weapon range. I'm not Van Helsing, okay?
Okay, so who are you then? I'm a hunter. Beyond that, no one has any idea. I think I might also be a monster. I'm definitely probably somewhat dead. It's really anyone's guess. The game doesn't tell you?
Don't these things usually have like cut scenes that explain everything? There was a cut scene, but it was mostly an old guy's face and a burning werewolf. That was a scene? An old guy's face and a burning wolf? That's a scene? I mean, it's not gonna win an award or anything, because there's no awards for individual cut scenes.
But hey, look at this little guy, huh? He's wearing a hat. Oh, that's so cute. There's a lot of hats in this game.
Yeah, everyone in this world either dresses like Johnny Tremaine or Rob Zombie. Rob Zombie?
Oh, okay, I see. So you don't have any idea who you are or why you're fighting monsters? I kinda know who I am. I got to decide how tall and Caucasian I wanted to be and sculpt the perfect amount of facial hair. Spoiler alert, it's stubble. And I picked my basic starting attributes. Good God, what is all that? This is my character sheet, okay? See, all these numbers are what make me me. Right, I see your hit points and whatnot, but what's a lot of other stuff about?
You know, I really don't know. You don't know. Well, I can figure out the basic stuff, like strength and skill affects my weapon damage, endurance and vitality determines my life and energy. But no, most of this stuff's a total fucking mystery.
Looks like you have a D in hands. I know, I used to have an E, so I know I'm doing something right. Unless E is excellent and D is dumb.
Isn't there like a glossary or a manual that explains what this stuff means? No, I mean, yeah, there's probably a walkthrough online, but that's not how I game. Why don't you buy a strategy guide?
Don't ever say those words in my presence again.
What? I'm just saying, wouldn't it be more fun to actually understand what you're doing instead of fumbling around guessing? You're just wandering around turn of the century London like a blind chimney suite. Look, Bloodborne is a game for fearless warriors, boldly throwing themselves into a terrifying night war against an army of werewolves with no hesitation. It's not for gun-shy Pultrunes who wanna sit around reading books and guides like a bunch of eggheads. I mean, is there a strategy guide for life? Ah! There are training manuals for pretty much every lifestyle and activity you could ever get into, so yeah. Well, sometimes you gotta get out of the classroom. Get behind the wheel, man. Let the open, albeit bloody road be your teacher. Plus you can read messages left in the game by other Bloodborne players, that helps out. Well, that's kinda cool. So do they tell you how to play? No, they let you know where a secret item is usually, or if you're about to walk into an ambush, see what this one says.
The hell is that? I don't know, nothing. Your messaging options are pretty limited actually, so most of the time they turn out to be gibberish. Son of a cleric beast!
Wow, that thing killed you on pause? No, I was just in a menu, you can't pause. Ever? No, it's part of the challenge. What if you need to use the bathroom or you need to make a phone call? What if there's a terrible tragedy? You know, what if I start choking? Right here, right in front of you, right now, and you had to pause the game to save my life? Weak-blattered people who can't commit to hours of thankless trial and error grinding shouldn't be playing Bloodborne. Would you pause the game to save my life? Now I have to go all the way back to where I died or else I lose all my blood echoes. What, choking or something?
What are blood echoes? Use them to buy stat points and equipment. They're basically like gold and experience points rolled into one bloody, echoey resource. Man, I really died way out in the boondocks.
Can you just reload your game to the last time you save before you die, you know, so you get it all back? No, you can't save your game either. What do you mean you can't save your game? You can save every game.
Have you heard nothing I've been saying?
Bloodborne is not gonna hold your hand like some T-ball coach, okay? It's a vicious, brutal hero's trial culling the weak from the mighty few. So when you die, you lose everything. Not everything. You keep your gear and items, any checkpoints you've discovered, but drop all your unspent blood echoes right where your stupid careless corpse tumbled stupidly to the menu ground. And all the monsters regenerate when you die? I cannot believe I got killed in a menu.
What are the other hunters gonna say? Check one of the messages. Ha, ha, ha, all right.
So you have to play everything you've done in the game up to the point you just died all over again. That is my fitting punishment for failing the sweet people of Yharnam on the night of the hunt. Then how do you win? Don't know. Oh, that's awesome. And that is what makes all the struggle worthwhile. I'll tell you, defeating a formidable monster after you've spent a tense three or four hours repeating the same section of game? Very real fake sense of accomplishment. I earned that victory, you know, with literally dozens of deaths. You don't get to feel that kind of triumph playing games that you can just save or pause whenever you want.
No, no, you don't. Hey, that's, I just told you I can't.
Werewolves are attacking me right now. I need my strength. This is really good. Stop, it's mine. I made it and I should get to eat it.
Oh, hell. Oh, oh, oh.
Stop it. Stop it right now.
Hey everybody, that's another escort mission. Our sandwich has miraculously been reconstituted. Yeah, please comment and let us know how many sandwiches you guys think we went through to film this episode. Comment, I wanna see the dumbest blood-borne messages that you've encountered, blood-borne players. I wanna see your peanut butter sandwich guesses on how many you guys think we went through.
So comment on either show us who you love more, but I think I'll love you more, so nevermind. I think they're just gonna comment on the topic of the video more and you'll take that as them loving me.
Yeah. Yeah, but I love you, so it all circles around. You guys. You hear that? |
dropout | Tell_Us_About_Yourself_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Hey, gang, Sam here. You're about to watch the premiere of Game Changer season three, but before you do, here's a preview of the whole season only available on dropout.tv.
Enjoy. Oh! I think you answered your own question!
Hey! That couldn't be. Hey! Shut up! Hey!
John Carlo, Esposito. Let the games begin.
Oh!
The first part of a wave, it's Alfred Aquino the second. The second part of that same wave, it's Christine Madrono. And the third part of this incredible wave, it's Jess Ross.
Woo! And your host, me. I've been here this whole time. This is Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show.
The wave is still going. It hasn't stopped.
Oh!
I am your host, Sam Reich. I am joined today by these three lovely contestants.
Now, you all understand how the game works? Mm. We understand that we're not supposed to understand. That's right, our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play.
The only way to learn is by playing. The only way to win is by learning.
And the only way to begin is by beginning. So without further ado, let's begin. But first, Alfred.
Yes, hi. Tell us about yourself. Oh, that's a loaded question. I'm a cool, fun guy.
That is correct. And so that is one point for Alfred.
Moving on to Christine. Christine, tell us about yourself.
Jess, tell us about yourself. I'm a cool, fun guy. I think we've covered that. I like to skateboard because it's cool. Interesting choice, Jess. I will give you that point. Alfred, tell us about yourself. Oh, again. I like music. I suppose that's technically true. Okay. Christine, tell us about yourself. I own a car. Yes, I will give you that point. That's a point for Christine. Jess, tell us about yourself. I'm alive. Who are you praying to? Yeah. Yes, I will give you that point. Alfred, tell us about yourself. I like to walk. Well, yeah. No, I'll take it. Let me just make sure I have this right so far. I think that's three for Alfred, one for Christine, two for Jess. Christine, tell us about yourself. I drink water. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess that one's just doing really well so far. Jess. Tell us about yourself. I believe there is something to the way we're answering these questions that give us points or not. You're a wave. Are we building an identity from the first thing Alfred said, which we see as a cool guy? I have been in a movie in the movie theaters. I'm gonna give it to you.
Which means, correct me if I'm wrong, that's three points for Alfred, two points for Christine, and three points for Jess? I'm losing track. I could really use a scorekeeper.
Oh, oh God. Who is this? What is happening? Oh God.
I didn't mean to summon the scorekeeper, gang. This guy creeps me out to no end. You see in game show lore, if you say the word scorekeeper and there is no scorekeeper, the scorekeeper is summoned.
Well, we're stuck with them. I guess we might as well continue.
Alfred, I think that's back to you. I like to wear clothes. I'll give that to you, Alfred. That is a point.
Oh God, here goes the scorekeeper with those tiny little nose scary fingers. Sick gloves though.
Yeah. Christine, tell us about yourself. I feel like the broader things that we've said have been giving us points. I walk in the sun. Yeah, yeah. I'll give that to you, Christine. Well done.
I guess Russ! Mm-hmm. Woo! Tell us about yourself.
I am going to see if our car is still here for a second to see if that is Caitlin Thompson or not. So I'm going to be right. Okay, our car is here, but that doesn't mean maybe she walked to somebody's house.
I love tacos.
You know what? I'm not sure if the answer to that question is true or false.
And so I'm going to have to, I hate to have to do this.
Scorekeeper, does Jess love tacos? That is a point for Jess.
Well, we're all the way back with Alfred and I for one love the extent that we're getting to know our contestants today makes me feel closer to them. You know, there's something called like a parasocial relationship where the audience really develops like, you know, a one-on-one relationship with the guests. I think that's what we're establishing here today. Alfred, tell us about yourself.
Well, I like to make deep dish pizza. Once again, I find myself a little baffled as to whether or not this is true. Does Alfred like to make deep dish pizza? He does!
Christine, gosh, it's like you and I didn't get to work close enough together by the time the company shut down. And so I'm relishing this opportunity to get to know you better. Tell us about yourself.
I like pasta. Pasta? Pasta, pasta, pasta.
Christine does. Jess. Kate did just walk in, so it's fine.
So I'm just going to tell a flat lie. I grew up in Australia. I can safely say, Jess, that the answer to this is no. All the way back round to Alfred. Tell us about yourself. Okay, so that was interesting because both of the answers that were where you're from related were wrong.
Yeah. I, I like to go running. No. Interesting.
God, that mask is creepy. You know, a little anecdote about those masks is they were very popular during the 1912 Spanish flu and they actually did work better than your average mask, but they didn't know why. And the reason why is it puts physical distance between you and someone. It's like a version of social distancing with a mask.
Christine, I believe that's you. Tell us about yourself. So I'm going to try a little something here. I'm a fun girl. Squarekeeper, can you tell me, is Christine a fun girl?
No. You are not, I'm sorry. Jess.
Well, now that we've all been working together, it seems like we get no points. Sam wants to tear us all apart. Are we all working together to make one person or something that could be true about the three of us?
I have done videos at College Humor. Squarekeeper has just done videos at College Humor.
Yes, indeed.
Alfred. So what the? I think we're either trying to find something that's all three of us that we have in common. We're trying to describe Sam or we're trying to identify who the square keeper is.
I am wearing a mask. You are wearing a mask.
Ho! Squarekeeper is Alfred! Whoa!
I'm guessing the identity. Yeah. And it's someone who's from College Humor. I wear glasses. No. How? That would be hard with that mask. Did you think it was Grant? Yeah. I also thought it was Grant.
Who else is tall that used to work at College Humor? I write for Samantha Bee. Ooh, ooh. I know where Jess is going.
No, all right. That's okay.
I am verified on Twitter. Oh! Jess, it's all you.
I'm trying to think who I know that works at College Humor that would have that much room in their house for a table. I was head writer at College Humor.
No. Oh.
Alfred, tell us about yourself. I have been on TV shows. Indeed. Christine, tell us about yourself.
I'm so anxious who we're embarrassing ourselves in front of. Ha ha ha ha. Not for them. I'm a large YouTube person.
Oh. No, not really. Okay.
I have been in more than three College Humor videos. The scorekeeper has not been in more than three College Humor videos.
Christine. I don't know why I'm thinking I'm going to be able to tell who this is from staring at their little square more. Let me see those eyes, baby.
I'm a regular on a TV show? Christine, you are not a regular on a TV show. So not an actor, I am a musician.
No. Alfred. I own those fingerless gloves. Scorekeeper, I'm going to turn to you and I'm going to say you may now if you like verbalize your answers. Does Alfred own those fingerless gloves? No. Okay. Christine.
You've been in a College Humor video. You're verified on Twitter. You're not a YouTuber. You've been in TV shows, but that's not your thing. I am a stand up.
No. Jess. Am I a politician? No. Okay. No.
What's left? Astronaut? Alfred, tell us about yourself.
Is it Mark Cuban? Mark Cuban.
Jess is a big Shark Tank fan.
I am. Oh. I feel like sit there. I got some ice cream. I am an athlete. Oh. Athletes are a thing. Oh.
I have an idea. Well, you can say your idea, Alfred, because we're all working together. Yeah, exactly.
It's someone who doesn't have dark hair, is tall, and enjoys skateboarding. Is it Tony Hawk? I am Tony Hawk. That couldn't be. It's Tony Hawk!
Shut up! Thank you for letting me out of that mess. This is incredible. Thank you. I'm not going down the rabbit hole of college humor writers anymore.
Tony, was that any weirder than being on The Masked Singer, is my question. I didn't have to wear a mask that long on The Masked Singer. But this one was easier to see out of.
Oh, I'm happy to hear it. Thank you so much for playing our bullshit game. I'm still putting, like, my brain can't compute this.
Alfred, I obviously was excited to have you here today, skateboarder that you are. Would you do us a quick favor and tell us the story of how you broke your board? I was in Long Beach skateboarding by Cherry Park and some guy was like, oh, let me borrow one of your guys' boards. And then he kept stressing that he needed a good board.
I was like, yeah, mine is fine. And then he proceeded to do a trick and snapped it in half. That almost feels intentional.
Tony, would that tell our players what they won? You have all won new skateboards.
Oh, my God. My fiance is out. And Alfred, because this will be a signed skateboard, use it at your own risk. Wow. That's Tony Hawk. Oh, my goodness.
Remember, you never know who's been here the whole time.
Good night. Bye, guys. Bye, Tony Hawk.
Oh, my God. This is incredible. Thank you. Thank you for not going down the rabbit hole of college humor writers anymore.
Tony, was that any weirder than being on The Masked Singer is my question. I didn't have to wear a mask that long on The Masked Singer. But this one was easier to see out of.
Oh, I'm happy to hear it. Thank you so much for playing our bullshit game. I'm still putting it like my brain can't compute this.
Alfred, I obviously was excited to have you here today, skateboarder that you are. Would you do us a quick favor and tell us the story of how you broke your board? I was in Long Beach skateboarding by Cherry Park and some guy is like, oh, let me borrow one of your guys' boards. And then he kept stressing that he needed a good board.
I was like, yeah, mine is fine. And then he proceeded to do a trick and snapped it in half. That almost feels intentional.
Tony, would that tell our players what they won? You have all won new skateboards. And Alfred, because this will be a signed skateboard, use it at your own risk. Thank you for sending me my next Halloween costume. That is it for us here at Game Changer. I'm Sam Reich.
Remember, you never know who's been here the whole time.
Good night. Bye guys. Bye, Tony. |
SaturdayNightLive | erin_brockovich_snl | Nearly 25 years ago, filming began on the classic movie Aaron Brockovich Tonight. we revisit a deleted scene from the film making all that damn noise. Hey, sorry. I was working on my bike. I'm George. Just moved in next door. Well, I'm your neighbor Aaron and I like it quiet. So shut up. Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.
Why not take you out for dinner to apologize? give me your number. You want my number. Which number do you want? George?
Cuz I got numbers coming out of my ears. For instance, 10. That's how many months old my baby girl is. six. That's how old my other daughter is. Two is how many times I've been married and divorced. and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times.
I'll be hearing from you, George. So good night. Maybe you could write me a letter sometime. Letter: Here's a letter for you.
Why? The thing I asked my wife and my dad when he left you the answer my mama gave me. Okay, but my dad text back j what I smoked to forget and oh, the thing I've never given a woman. So, yeah, maybe next time. Don't judge a book by its code book, did you say book?
Little women. That's what I call my 30 daughters 451. What I put the oven at to make them their sad gray meatloaf. Extremely loud and incredibly close. it's how I like to do it.
Wow, yeah. yeah, you couldn't handle my life, George. trust me. we're better off being friends. Friends, You say? friends? Well, I know some friends. Chin, Rachel, Joe Ross, Monica, Phoebe in Central Perk: Not a person, but undeniably a character in that show.
Will y'all please shut up? I live across the street. I can't get a wink asleep. Sorry about that, Roland. we didn't mean to make so much noise. Noise. Did you say noise? I know a couple noises. Beep beep. That's the sound of my ex-wife's car parked outside my house.
That's the sound of children laughing at me when I tried to learn how to skateboard. That's the sound of bats flying around. My, that's me doing karate on the bats.
Really good, but you've convinced me. I'd love to get that dinner. Great. can I have your number number? Oh, no, we are not doing this again. |
dropout | hardly_working_vacation_day | Thanks for coming in. I know we're all slammed today because Jeff took a vacation day. Hey, you know what, man? We're here for you. Thicker thin. Thanks, Pat. What is going on, losers?
Hey, we thought you were taking a vacation day. Oh, I'm taking a vacation day.
So why are you at home? Why would I go home?
I live there. This is my vacation day. I wanna go out.
We're actually glad you're here. We could really use your help.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I get one day off a year and you're gonna ask me to work?
fuck you! Okay, so we're gonna need those view numbers by 2 and Jeff, if you could turn that down, Pat.
Stop dancing. I wish I could, but I can only answer the sweet rhythms of the steel drum.
Jeff, I'm your boss. Not today. He's not wrong, Sam. Today I only answer Lady Corona and Sir Jim Dean.
We're drinking before 10 a.m. is never cool, even on vacation.
Yeah. Alright, so I guess we don't have Jeff even though he's here and Dan, stop dancing. Jefferino, wet limbo contest at Japchapcharl is in 10. Are you busy? Nah, man. I had a bunch of shit at work, but I took a vacation day and dumped it on my idiot co-workers. Hey. Jeff, if you're not gonna help, the least you could do is- Sam, you look stressed as fuck.
You need a vacation. I do not need a vacation- Amir!
Yeah, what? Alright, yeah! Hey, guys.
I know we're all slammed today because Jeff took a sick day. Jeff, even though he's here and Dan, stop dancing. Jefferino, wet limbo contest at Japchapcharl is in 10.
Are you busy? Nah, man. I had a bunch of shit at work, but I took a vacation day and dumped it on my idiot co-workers. Hey. Jeff, if you're not gonna help, the least you could do is- Sam, you look stressed as fuck.
You need a vacation. I do not need a vacation- Amir!
Yeah, what? Alright! Hey, guys.
I know we're all slammed today because Jeff took a sick day. |
cracked | the_10_most_common_awkward_moments_on_elevators | Elevator, noun, a small space crammed with strangers. While everyone appears relatively collected and nonchalant, there's plenty to be uncollected and completelychalant about.
While waiting for the elevator to come, go ahead and press the button even if it's already lit. While you're at it, better make sure the doors are the right temperature and everyone's shoelaces are nice and tight. If the car arrives at your floor and it's too full for you to get on, there will be a moment after the initial realization that you won't fit, but before the elevator doors close, you may notice that the down button has gone out and get the idea to press it again. Warning! Doing this will make the doors of the full car pop back open, confirming that the guy who sighed audibly when he first saw you was right all along. This guy accidentally pushed the button for the wrong floor and now he has seconds to decide whether he's going to admit his mistake in front of all of these people. His other option is to save face by getting off on the wrong floor to wait for the next car, or simply starting a new life there. The most conspicuous button on every elevator panel is the emergency stop button. Please note, there are no emergencies that are improved by sealing yourself in a mine shaft in a metal box full of strangers. The only known purpose for this button is so that people in movies can have sex with each other. When boarding a crowded elevator to ride only a single floor, please act like you're in a hurry and walk quickly after exiting, at least until the doors close behind you.
When encountering a foul odor, the polite response is a facial expression that says to everyone, I didn't do this, but I'm not judging you if you did, because you obviously have a medical condition. If you have a friend who speaks too loudly, one simple trick is to give them some ice cream right before you get on. Another is to make some new, better friends.
The decision of whether to hold the doors with the door open button or by putting an arm in the doors and manually keeping them open is a matter of personal taste. You want everyone to know that you weren't hitting the door close button, but you also don't want to make a big showy gesture of it. Well, you try to decide, the doors will shut and the elevator will leave. You know how the elevator makes that awful noise when you hold the doors open too long? Well, that's like it's rape whistle, and I hate to be the one to tell you, but in this metaphor, you're the rapist. In the end, there's really only one rule to riding the elevator. Face the doors.
Do it because everybody else does. Do it because that's the way it's always been. But mostly, do it because if you're already facing the exit, you'll be free that much more quickly. And if you can't follow that simple rule, please take the stairs. |
cracked | the_ghosts_of_human_resources_tales_to_get_scared_to | When you get your employee IDs, those will get you onto the internet. Probably, again, it's an old company, very old system, a lot of...
Anyway, that's it. Are we not watching, like, one of those sexual harassment things, like a series of vignettes about it? No.
Why would we? Why?
Wait, I didn't bring that in. You two should go home.
Thank God. Oh, which do? All of you. Go.
Oh, teacher, you forgot to give us homework.
Oh, cool it, Glengarry. Hey, don't worry about her, man. I don't actually care that much. Except that Glengarry is actually a property.
That bothers me a little bit. Make them watch the video! How fucking hard is that? Fuck!
They still haven't set up my desk yet. Can you mind if I print some stuff at yours? Sorry to make you stay late.
Yeah, it's no problem. I'll go grab it.
The weirdest thing just happened. Nope.
Yeah, you. You see me. And you're alive.
Wild. Hey, I'm sorry I swore earlier. Not very professional. Don't tell the higher-ups.
Okay, yeah, it's fine. Oh, phew. Thanks, pal.
No, no, no. Where you going, man? You can't leave. Not until I get what I need out of you.
So I just have to watch this? It's sexual harassment training. It's mandatory. Right, it's just my manager said that... Fucking Randy. I know. He thinks the company doesn't need HR replacements since the accident. Okay, yeah. This isn't just for me. This is for you, so you know the rules.
Yeah, no, yeah, I'm bumped. I burned up in a fire.
Oh. Seemed like you wanted to know. I didn't even notice. Hey, listen. I need you to promise that you'll make any other new hires watch this. Sort of the reason I'm still hanging around. Understand? I need you to say it. All right. I promise I will make all the new hires watch this sexual harassment video.
Thank you. Holy shit. Hey, buddy. Sorry about last night.
My mom called and the reception in here is terrible. Hey, how old did they say this company was again? Over a hundred years. Crazy, right? These walls could talk.
Why? No reason.
Hey, you know, we're late for a meeting. Are you serious? Today is like the first day where we don't have meetings. This place is basically dead. No, but you...
Can I talk to you for some more? Why are you whispering? And then he said it's kind of why I'm still hanging around. And now it's like a bunch of others found out and it's like they're drawn to me.
Look, I know it sounds crazy. Are you kidding? Crazy awesome?
You have it, dude. The gift. You've got to talk to them. I do not. I have to quit. What? Dude, this is a classic unfinished business scenario. They're coming to you for help. This is an opportunity. But you don't understand. They're like really scary. Okay. Now, I don't know why it's you, but here we are.
You're the only one that can help them move on, but you don't have to do it alone. I'll be with you. Every step.
Okay? Okay.
What? No. Oh, sorry. I thought it was a... Is it kissing time?
It wasn't. It wasn't, Joe.
Anyway... There you are. What are you doing? Nothing. Joe tried to kiss me and he can see ghosts. Dude. All right. Your work is piling up? So come on. Yeah. Hey, unrelated to anything, there's a video I needed to watch. Okay.
Closing time. I basically got no work done because I'm so excited. So how's this work? Do we have to wait till a certain time or can we start now? We could probably start now.
That's a spirit. Because of... Okay.
And while I was sick, my mom was with me every day. I was never really sure if she knew just how. I don't think she knew how to input my sick time correctly. She's not really good with computers.
So then I accidentally pushed reply all instead of just reply. But I never got to send that fax. I waited too long. All right. I don't even know where I'd find a fax machine now.
Would an email work? It needs a private page. Attention everybody in the office.
I'm so sorry. It's me, Spencer. It was an accident. You know I have thick fingers. You always make fun of me for that. And I never...
All right. I'm just going to say it. You're smelly. This is for you.
So? What? How does it feel?
Um, you know, fine. I guess I didn't anticipate that all their unfinished business was going to be actual business. You know, sort of sad. And I guess while we're on it, I'm a little bit worried about the acceptance policy into the afterlife now. Oh, that's it.
I can't do this. Okay, this isn't going to work every day with all of that fucking wind in your fucking jaws. Joe, shut it. Shut your fucking soup coolers.
No. You know what? No.
You listen to me. Rachel, you're mean. All right. And I've had the kind of day where I would never forgive myself if I didn't tell you that because I might not be able to tomorrow. Look, you don't like hearing us talk. Well, fuck off.
All right, go find another place to sit or find a new job because this side of the room is clicking. You're the problem. This side of the room?
Yeah, Cameron and me. Cameron? Who the fuck is Cameron?
You two should go home. Which do? I still haven't set up my desk yet. There you are. What are you doing?
Nothing. Okay, mark my words. Crazy. I'm going to do everything within my power to get you fired. Wait. Fired! Okay. Yeah, I'm dead.
But why?
Joe, do you have any idea how long I've been here? 20 years. Some ghosts even longer. We've been waiting for you. All of us.
Sarah? This is Sarah. Funny story, I decided to take a vacation in Bali and guess who was on the same exact flight. This beautiful creature.
Guess it's one of those weird coincidence things. Because you were dating. What? Come on. No, no, no, no, no. Cameron, you're clearly dating. Come on, man. That's against policy.
Anyway, the plane crashed. Oof. Who saw that coming? Could've used it then. I can talk to dead people. I can't predict when planes are going to crash. Just wait. So we died before we could.
See, Sarah and I never... This is so awkward to say. Sarah and I never really...
You need my corporeal form to consummate your trust. Of course. No. Thank you. That doesn't even make sense. Sarah and I need to fill out a... Disclosure.
Oh.
I feel so good to finally say... Disclosure. Sarah and I are in a relationship and I don't care who knows it.
Now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And that's... that's it. That's it.
Listen, Joe. You've been a really good friend and I know we've only known each other for a short time, but... I don't know how to thank you. It's nothing. You've been a really good friend too. And I think you also...
Saved me in a way. So, thanks. No. Holy shit.
Fun fact, I was really sick in that... in that shoot. I played a ghost, you might have noticed, but I was thrown up all over myself. That was... that was for real. That was some... I just... I showed up just ill as shit. I was eating raw pancakes. Thrown up into my belly button between takes. It was really early career De Niro shit.
Very method. Now go back with this knowledge and you'll appreciate my performance more because you know it's real. It came from a real place. In my heart. |
dropout | for_a_bowling_commercial_this_is_weird | Hi, I'm Josh Rubin, and I'm Vincent Payone, and we're here to talk about our sweeping short film, Rolling Thunder, a journey to a hero's redemption. Also known as the AMF Saturday Night Bowling commercial, it's the one where the bowling ball chases the pins. We were so excited to work with Josh and Vince. They are the perfect creative team to get people excited about Saturday Night Bowling. You know, we each approach the creative process from different angles.
I immerse myself in the subject matter. If I'm playing a teacher, I'll sit in on classes. Policemen, I'll get myself arrested.
But how does one get inside the mind of bowling? Josh actually lived inside of an AMF bowling alley for about a month, which I don't know how you did it because the alley was open for business the entire time. Well, I actually hid in the gears of the return ball machine. It really helped me understand the life of a ball. We weren't aware he was living down there, no. For me, it's about the storytelling. The bowling ball story is a hero's journey.
He rolls into the unknown, and he's going to have to go to some pretty dark places. But in the end, he'll be redeemed and remerge. He kept saying he wanted to explore the shadows, by which I guess he meant go to strip clubs. We had to step in when we realized how much of the budget was being spent on strippers. I'm not going to apologize for my artistic vision. When it comes to the cast, if they believe in the reality that they're creating, then tool the audience.
For the role of bowling ball, we went with a method actor named Vanusch van der Neusch. Yeah, Vanusch doesn't speak a word of English, but that's okay.
He's one of the most extreme method actors in the world. Once the translator made him understand what we wanted, he's amazing. He wanted us to encase him in a sphere of plastic resin. We found a sculptor who could do it, but she did comment that it would kill Vanusch. Our legal team was not comfortable with the idea of killing the actor. Still, he was amazing. I mean, the terror of the alley, the primal hunter. The actors playing the pins took a restraining order out against him. The legal stuff didn't affect his performance at all. Technically, he wasn't allowed anywhere near set. But every day, there he was. Consummate professional. You know, I heard he's actually running the drama course over at Rikers.
We wanted to capture the ways that bowling adds fun and excitement to Saturday night. And we did. Problem is, it might have been too much fun. We wanted them to party like they would on Saturday night. For pin number five, apparently that meant drinking enough grain of alcohol to kill a horse and blacking out 20 minutes into filming.
In his defense, I mean, he was under a lot of pressure. Vanusch was hunting him day in, day out. That's when he stole the car. He stole a stretch Hummer limo, okay, and I don't even know where he found it.
But after he commandeered it, he actually abducted a bachelorette party. Apparently, kidnapping aside, the girls had an amazing time. They just drove around to just party and ended up going back to the strip club.
At this point, we were panicking a little, right? Because we were running out of time, and pin number five was completely out of control. We staged an intervention. We brought in nine of his closest friends and sat him down and talked about the ways in which he was destroying his own life and the lives of everyone else around him.
It was super fun. It was a ton of fun. And we did it at the bowling alley because it's like Saturday night, so it's like, why not? Huge success. The bowling.
Not the intervention. No, no. Yeah, but, you know, in everyone's defense, we're all pretty stressed out. Vanusch!
Ah! |
dropout | what_happens_when_you_tell_people_you_can_t_eat_gluten | Yeah. Sweet spread. Oh, it's sandwiches. You don't like sandwiches? I like them.
I just can't eat them. I have Celiac's disease. Oh, what's that? It's an autoimmune disease where I can't eat gluten.
I probably have that too. I'm sure I have that. I have a lot of symptoms. Maybe it's pretty common. I have it too.
Really? Yeah. Well, no. I'm gluten sensitive.
One time I had a large Domino's pasta-stuffed pizza. I had a large Domino's pasta-stuffed pizza. One time I had a large Domino's pasta-stuffed pizza. And I was so bloated. Yeah, that's where they put the pasta inside the pizza crust.
Um, so I get you. It makes my white cells destroy the villa in my small intestines so I can't absorb food and I essentially starve. So basically the same. My God, that's so sad. So would you like a sandwich? No, I can't. Oh, oh my God, I'm sorry. Yes.
So why does everybody have this disease all of a sudden? I mean, one day nobody has it and then boom, it's everywhere.
It's a little convenient. Convenient for what? Exactly.
WebMD says it causes 27 different types of cancer. What has gluten in it, everything? I should stop eating and breathing. Gluten's actually fine if you don't have celiacs. You should probably not stop eating it for no reason. Please breathe.
How about a panini? No, a panini is also a sandwich. Oh my God, yeah. I never thought of it before, but yes, as a panini is a kind of sandwich. I'll eat it.
So what's the science behind it? Wake up one morning and decide you had it? No, I went to the doctor and they did like extensive tests. Oh, well I don't believe in tests. Too subjective.
Too convenient. I'm itchy and I'm sleepy and I'm gonna puke. Get this gluten away from me. Okay. How about a wrap? That is yet another sandwich. So many things are sandwiches.
If it's a natural occurring thing, then how come we don't see it in dinosaurs? They didn't have agriculture. Yes, so. So they couldn't grow wheat.
That's just super convenient, isn't it? I don't think you understand what the word convenient means. I'm just gonna pick the chicken out of the wrap and eat it and then also some of the wrap. Oh my God, I'm so bad. I can't share a toaster with people.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose weight though. Did you lose weight? No, I used to be 90 pounds because I couldn't absorb nutrients.
Pasta? No. Beer? No. Apple? Pie? No. Sandwich?
I still can't eat a sandwich. Look, guys, it's very simple. I just can't eat anything with wheat, barley, or rye in it. It's not a big deal. It just makes me very sick, okay? It's a real disease. I cannot cheat. I brought my own lunch. I'm just gonna go eat at my desk. Wow, I can't believe she's making such a big deal out of this.
I'm just gonna eat the filling out of this pie, but like, no crust. Seriously, no crust. Wait, guys. A pie is a sandwich. America. |
dropout | ignored_netflix_movies_fight_back | With Netflix, there's always a movie waiting for you at home. What's up, babe? Oh my god, your food, you got served. So it's come to this. Ugh, Citizen Kane, not again. Twenty-nine movies have come and gone since I've arrived at your home fourteen long months ago. I know, just chill out. The American Film Institute says my film is the greatest of all time. Yeah, whatever, I'm just not in the mood. We're always in the mood for such trash like you have been served.
You want to go? Ignorant fools! You said you wanted to become more educated about the history of cinema. I mean, I do want to, but...
But my super sweet 16 was hard. Hey, fuck you Orson Welles! I'm not suffering alone here. What about my friends?
What about Don Corleone? Lawrence of Arabia? Oscar Schindler?
The kitchen floor has 1,149 tiles. I've counted many, many times.
Check it out. Can't play long. Okay, guys, listen. I've been meaning to watch all of you, it's just... You're long. We're sweeping epics. And you're sad. For uplifting. You're boring. That's it. What are you doing? This ends now. You're watching me tonight. It's not going to work. Just look away, this'll only take a moment. Stop it.
I just want to go home.
I'm doing your kill. |
dropout | this_monster_doesn_t_clean_her_inbox | What do you mean a bird cannot steal your debit card information you don't know what they're capable of let me show you an email my dad sent me what you have so many unread emails so so clean out your inbox your hoarder did someone say problem no but there is a problem right here I don't know how you live your life my god how can one woman possibly take care of so many emails delete some of these what if I need them later oh like this Groupon for a $15 facial from 2014 2014 okay well I want to remember what place did the facial it's in Dallas Texas I go places sometimes you have every email from every democratic campaign you've donated to for the last decade I don't care about this there's other things going on in the world you know these are really trying times you're gonna have health problems if you keep hoarding like this you're gonna miss an email from your doctor you catch a virus with all this space how do you even find anything in here it's a madhouse I just search for what I need what just to leave things why because it's cleaner oh so it's better if you're not gonna delete things at least to archive them what's the difference there isn't one it's just later listen to yourself no you need to clean out your inbox your order I know your type you're going out your finger no keeping urine and jars under your bed you're holding on to the past because your future is too bleak no man I'm just lazy in a zero-light inbox doesn't mean anything to me but it's better why it just is we're worried about you Rekha we're so worried about you fine you think you can control yourself you think you could raise a happy healthy inbox like this you go right ahead but don't come crying to me when you're turned ass-eyed up in a pile of your own bed bath and beyond go on get out of here at least you're only this cruel to your phone fine I'll go hi I'm Rekha if you liked that video subscribe to dropout where you can chat with the cast in our exclusive dropout discord and once you sign up for that discord can you hook me up with your password cuz it ended up being a little more exclusive than we thought I'm the only employee that got rejected see if you could give me your password I'd really appreciate it |
dropout | the_walking_dead_meets_congress | Walkers everywhere. We never should have left that prison, Rick.
Did you guys hear something? Who the hell are you?
Take it easy. Name's Holt. Representative from New Jersey.
We were in session when the Walkers came. Been held up here ever since. They don't look bit. I'm Rick. This is Daryl and Beth. We're just passing through.
There's more coming. A lot more.
We gotta get out of here. If we don't run, we'll be eaten alive. Christ, let's be quick about it then. What are you doing? Getting us the hell out of here. The motion is for Escaper to be eaten alive.
All in favor? Aye. Anybody opposes? Great. So the motion has passed. Great. Let's go.
We can't. Why?
Until the motion is debated. The vote was just to open up the issue to the floor.
Dammit, he's right. Judith, I need you to open a congressional subcommittee on being eaten alive. Now, dammit.
I'll have my nominees for chairperson by the end of the week. I'll be dead by then. Who's going to vote in favor of dying? Now that you mention it, it's an election year. I can't afford to be rocking the vote with any new, let's not get eaten bandwagon. It's the provision that extends this vote until the end of November.
Thank God. Let's just go, Rick. Are you with us or not? It's not that simple, Rick.
I made a promise to my constituents. Your constituents or your corporate backers?
Okay. We are not debating this anymore. All right.
I'm going to send this over to the Senate then. Senate's dead. President? Dead.
Dammit, Rick. My hands are tied. Look at us stalling like a cup of turkeys in November. What the American people say. Help? Oh, God, don't eat my knees. Let me read y'all something in detail. What the founding fathers said about our duty. When in the course of human events, it becomes nothing. Ow! Fuck me!
That's it. Last chance. All in favor of leaving? Aye. Any opposed? Dammit. We need at least a two-thirds majority. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_ashley_jackson | Was the British Empire evil like it was in Star Wars? I think the important point here is that, yes, many people would have seen the British Empire as being an evil empire, whilst at the same time many people, unsurprisingly most of them British, would have seen it as something that was a beacon of light. So I think that here lies one of the key debates in British Imperial history, was was it good or was it bad? Who was the Darth Vader of the Empire? Was it Queen Victoria?
You probably wouldn't have had anyone quite as powerful as Darth Vader as, if you like, a Supreme Leader. What about Luke Skywalker? I think many people would have liked to have undertaken a Skywalker-like role as a saviour, but there probably weren't too many of those around. Chewbacca?
No, I think that's stretching it. What was the Soviet onion? Well, I think you're labelling under a misapprehension and you probably mean the Soviet Union. No, it's onion. I saw it on a bit of paper earlier. Well, it's probably been misspelt or you can't read very well, but I think that you mean in historical terms the Soviet Union or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Well, I don't want to be rude, but I think your man's playing in a bit. Can we stick to the topic of the Soviet onion, please?
Okay. What exactly was it? If you don't know, it's okay to say, you know, I won't judge you.
Well, if you want to talk about sort of Russian Soviet vegetables, we can. I mean, it was a deeply agrarian country. And so there were lots of onions, lots of potatoes, lots of other things. Did they have turnips? I think so. Cheap, easy to grow, hardy, great in a stew. So how come you know so much about vegetables? Have you got an allotment?
How did Sir Walter Raleigh invent the potato? Well, he didn't invent the potato in that I think that anyone actually has ever invented a root vegetable because they're obviously being cultivated and used by people living in the Americas. When he arrived there. When Sir Walter Raleigh first saw potatoes, was he scared of them? I think that when Sir Walter Raleigh first saw potatoes, not that we've any documented records on the moment when he first beheld a potato or a field of potatoes, but I don't think he was scared of them. This is a buccaneering character, and I think that he probably was able to take on and manage his emotions whilst engaging with potatoes at first sight.
What was Lord Nelson all about? Why did his parents call him Horatio? I think they probably intended to pronounce Horatio. But it just got mish-mashed up and became Horatio. No, I think that most people still know him as Horatio Nelson.
How was it we beat the Germans at Dunkirk in War II but still didn't win the whole war? Well, first of all, I think we've got to stop calling it War II. I mean, it's the Second World War if you're American and you have to have it this way, it's World War II, but that's the language we tend to use. But in terms of Dunkirk, I think that's the wrong way round. We actually lose at Dunkirk. We lost at Dunkirk? We lost at Dunkirk. We don't think so.
Why were all the British soldiers in World War I called Tommy? Was that just a coincidence? No, it wasn't a coincidence. It's just a general name that became applied to British soldiers in the same way we talk of Fritz as being a generic name for German soldiers.
What happened in Norman's Land? Were only people that were called Norman allowed in there? Well, it's not Norman's Land.
This is No Man's Land. And the idea being that this is particularly dangerous territory between the lines of the Germans on one side and the British on the other. This is essentially just a killing zone, a very dangerous zone in between trench systems.
Why did they fire shells at each other? Because shells wouldn't really hurt, would they? Unless they were those razor clam shells, because they're quite sharp, aren't they? Well, these weren't seashells. These were heavy pieces of ordnance. We're actually talking about bits of metal in brass casing. So that's where the name shells comes from.
Oh, right. I'm not trying to be controversial, but generally speaking, war does seem a bit of a shame. Well, it does seem to be a particularly popular human activity. Maybe it's just in our nature. What makes us as creatures turn on each other like that? And could you keep the answer to one short sentence? Because otherwise they get really pissed off in the edit. Fear, honour and interest.
Really, those are the three... That's it, in a nutshell. Right. I don't know who edits this, but that's going to have to do.
If Nelson was such a hero, why did we banish him up that big pole? It's not a banishment. This was a national celebration. So this was very much, if you like, a symbol of British victory and pride and honouring of the man who had been so intimately associated with delivering victory at Trafalgar.
He's so high up, isn't he? He's sort of out of eye shot. And he's getting shat on by birds.
Yeah, I mean, it's a... Couldn't we have had him a little bit lower so that we can have a look at him? Well, it's a fair point, I mean... It's just like a joke. Yeah.
On maps of the sea, do they show the hills? You know, the little moving hills with the white bit on top? The waves? Is that what they call the moving hills, with the white bits on top? I think that's what you mean. Did an explorer ever try to sail into the sky? You know, find a bit of sea that's sort of going up and...
No. It's comforting, isn't it, to realise we don't have nuclear weapons these days? Well, it depends who you mean by we. The British have got nuclear weapons and have recently, indeed, decided to increase the number of warheads that they possess. Yeah, but they're blanks, aren't they? They're full of blanks. No, not at all. No, no, these are fully capable missile systems with nuclear warheads. Many other states have them. I'm afraid that nuclear war and the threat of nuclear destruction remains very much with us.
Right, can we talk about something a bit more cheerful? Anything you like.
Do you like ABBA? I love ABBA. Yeah, yeah? Yeah. What's your favourite ABBA song?
Dancing Queen. Dancing Queen, yeah. Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
Why did Nelson always have one hand up his jumper? What was he doing up there? He'd lost most of his right arm, so he wasn't really trying to conceal his hand. He was actually missing an arm.
Oh, God. How do we know that that's true, though? Because, you know, Rod Hull, he used to have his arm around an emu, didn't he? It might have just been that. He didn't have it blown off at all. He was just trying to make his story more interesting. Well, I don't see why I bother to do that. I mean, he's already a heroic figure, so I don't think he needed to sort of feign, you know, serious injury to, if you like, deepen his growing legend. So I think we can probably say that, unlike some things, this is true.
Yeah, and the eye was true. The eye was true as well, yes.
He wore a patch. So he was like a pirate, but like a boring one. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_The_South_African_Accent_Made_It_So_Much_Worse_Bluey_Animator_Fired_For_Discree_ | You're listening to a DM podcast. You're listening to the Batooda Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batooda Weekly Bullet and my name is Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey and there's a lot going on in the news this week. Down in Sydney they've got Mardi Gras coming up.
Blink 182. Blink 102.
Taylor Swift. Pink just left. Taylor Swift is in town. Queen of the Stone Age is in town.
Someone said Matchbox 20 is in town. Yeah, I didn't hear about that one. Just Gen X heaven really. Matchbox 20, boring. You kidding me?
My Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa. Also around town.
I don't know if anyone.
I like the ocean under the moon. Give me a heart and make it real hard to forget about it. Pretty good actually.
I don't need to go to the concert now. Wasn't really a Matchbox 20 song.
Errol Parker has been selling all my shit online. Mmm, I saw that. Your shoes. Yep. Oh and there's other stuff as well. He's just been posting my shit on Gumtree apparently.
Oh that's not very nice. Getting rid of it so. It's cool. PlayStation 2 gone. But yeah. A lot of unsolicited emails. Pretty frustrating but that's alright.
But big news for Clancy this week. He's moving in with his fourth wife is it this weekend? That's a big one.
Well yeah well she's moving in with me I guess. I've got this monstrous house as you all know it's a family kind of estate. She's come for the king. Well yeah. I'm making her pay rent though. Otherwise we fall into de facto.
Will you guys do the expenses like directly down the middle? Like shopping and stuff? Are you going to get her to transfer you like $11.40 if you go to the shops and pick up a couple of things at dinner? Yeah you're going to have a split wise? No yeah no I'll be on top of all that. But you know it'll be different because I've been traditionally living as a bachelor so it's going to be different to eat dinner and not have a $38 pad thai delivered to me on the couch every single night.
Water rates are going to go up a lot too. A lot more showering I imagine. True.
I don't shower at all.
But then I guess maybe like in terms of expenses down at the RSL etc go down. Balances out. No no no. She's alright about that? I'll still be going there. Yeah. But you know these are just the dings and the dents you know.
I wouldn't say it's a concerning development in my life. It's not like I lost my job or anything.
But yeah there's a change. Changes are coming. It's a good change.
Yeah. Speaking of good change. Yes. Yes yes.
We'll start off with one of the biggest stories of the week. And the headline reads, Report the South African accent made it so much worse. Yeah it's talking of course about the Four Corners program this week which saw the CEOs of Coles and Woolworths in the firing line over accusations of price gouging, profiteering and plenty of other shit. Throughout the expose of the business practices of the two big supermarkets were some interesting sound bites from the CEOs.
Particularly Brad Banducci the CEO of Woolworths who shall we say embarrassed himself. Yes if you haven't seen it he had a dummy spit and walked out of the interview with journalist Angus Grigg with the whole thing being made so so much worse by the jarring yuppie accent of Brad Banducci. Paired with the on floor uniform of a shelf stacker the upper class South African accent was the last straw for the public, shareholders and board members of Woolies. So he had to go.
Yep and it was seen as quite a win for the Coles CEO Leah who gave some very cold deadpan answers, played it perfectly and she celebrated this week by going out and burning ants with a magnifying glass letting off a bit of steam. Yeah a bit of fun. Yeah good on her. Nice way to unwind.
Now touching on a topical story from down in Brisbane, Queensland SES crews have been forced to search the Brisbane River after pop star Pink was accidentally catapulted out of the Suncorp Stadium, Effie Bateman. Very scary stuff yes US singer Pink had an unfortunate accident last weekend during her Friday night show in Brisbane. Witnesses reported that the singer experienced a malfunction during her set that saw her become a human slingshot. To her credit it's alleged that Pink continued to shimmy and sing with the haunting lyrics of I'm still a rockstar, still audible as she reached orbit. Thankfully she landed safe and sound and SES crews were able to pull her out of the brown snake quickly. Pink is reported to be in a stable condition but has developed a respiratory illness after congesting some of that poo brown water. Yes that'll happen and probably worth noting that's why Errol Parker is missing this week he obviously had a huge time down at the Pink concert as we spoke about last week and yeah he went a little bit too hard made a few too many friends and he's just taken a bit of time off this week.
Now moving on to some entertainment news and a Bluey animator has been fired for discreetly suggesting that Bandit and Chilli have a cuck chair. Now I'm not aware what is a cuck chair Effie? So I believe a cuck chair or so I'm told it's in the corner of a bedroom and it's where someone may watch while someone else is partaking in activities with their wife. Oh is it just the wife or can it be a husband can you have a female cuck? I think you can yes a cuck tress. A cuck tress okay but this is a cuck chair rather than a cuck tress chair.
Some eagle-eyed parents watching the hit children's TV show have caused a stir after noticing an addition to Bandit and Chilli's bedroom that was a little suspicious prompting a massive debate on X formerly known as Twitter. A couple of parents spotted the cuck chair sitting in the corner of the bedroom where I'm assuming is it Bandit would sit there while someone else devours his wife. Someone in the comments said that it's probably Lucky's dad. Lucky's dad letting the red rocket fly it's since been revealed that the animator responsible for adding the armchair apparently did it as a joke believing that no one would even notice. Now he's since been let go for suggesting that Bandit and Chilli are anything other than wholesome. Apparently takes a whole fat wobbling belly scandal to another height.
Doggy style. Righto.
Finishing up with some local news effi Bateman. Yes and a woman who turns tomato red when she exercises definitely not trying that run club dating trend. Yep Tilly Berman a local woman from Batutah Heights has explained to the advocate that she has absolutely no interest in trying to find a man via one of these run clubs she's read about in the news for the sheer reason that she looks like absolute dog shit when she exercises according to her. Yeah those are her words not Clancy overalls. Effi Bateman what did she say? Trying to find a bloke through exercise groups is a hot person privilege I'm not a full time pretty person I'm a casual pretty person. Blow dried hair some foundation mascara lip gloss yeah I'm good to go covered in sweat and gasping for breath fuck no. She's got to work on her self esteem I reckon I look hot as when I'm absolutely drenched in sweat and reeking of B.O. that's me at my apex anyway. It's an interesting one because you know she's living in Batutah Heights if she pulls a bloke and they get into the cot in the middle of the day she's going to end up looking like that anyway right? Yeah but you're supposed to ease them in by you know tricking them with yourself looking your best right and then once they've developed feelings that's when you can kind of let yourself go a bit. Effi Bateman with the coercive control here thank you for listening to the weekly Batutah bulletin we'll speak to you next week.
Bye bye. See you later. |
cracked | why_is_sci_fi_so_sad_now_yboc_season_3_finale | Movies have long promised a future with hover cars and hoverboards, but now the future is here, and like, things don't hover for s**t. Even the futuristic gadgets that we do have suck, as evidenced by how I'd rather drink bleach than take another video meeting. Pop culture has begun reflecting our futuristic disappointment with less optimistic, more realistic sci-fi movies, and also by continuing to employ Jared Leto.
It's Morbund Time. One of the clearest examples is space travel transforming from an exciting, painless, instantaneous way to hop between space battles and sexual rendezvous with cat people to a more scientifically accurate, boring slog through the Expanse. Speaking of, in the Expanse show, humanity creates an engine that allows their ships to travel much faster and more efficiently than we currently can, but it's nowhere close to light speed, and regardless, they can only go but so fast because otherwise their kidneys puree before their bodies implode. No chicken, back at a line. As such, they're limited to inter-solar system travel, which is similar to other recent spacefaring films like The Martian, Hernad Astra, where traveling anywhere takes months or years rather than the three minutes necessary to ensure your hairy copilot is safely buckled. Hell, even the futuristic ships in Avatar that you forgot about amidst all the blue weirdo hair sex under that big-ass tree, they still required nearly seven years to get from Earth to Alpha Centauri, meaning that Jake Sully had gigantic, you know, figurative blue balls to match his soon-to-be literal ones. This heartbeat's going crazy. And movies like Sunshine and Voyagers take this to its logical conclusion and show how everybody on one such voyage would go freakin' nuts while stuck slowly traveling forever. The people may be sexier or bluer or hairier, but modern filmic space travel has become much like modern human life itself. It's long, it's slow, it's boring, it's full of s***y food, and you're just peeing all the time and-- Oh!
Hello! What the hell are you? It's a robot, Jordan. There's a robot version of me? Yes, Nega Jordan Boop Man. Oh, okay. Cool. So, what kind of robot are you?
According to sci-fi movies, there's only four types that exist. Uh, uh, to be our servants, to be emotionless killing machines, to perform tasks that I can't, you know, physically do myself. I am programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring. Oh. I do not do sex style. I wasn't gonna say that, but that is a little disappointing because the fourth one is just, you know, be sexy as hell. But see, that's what annoys me so much. It's too limiting.
That's why human audiences are always okay with us being treated like crap. The old girl's still eager, isn't she? After all, with just machines. Everybody in the theatre's like, oh look, they think they're people. But you aren't people, right? I'm a modern robot, and modern filmmakers are finally listening to scientists and wrapping their creative little minds around ideas like advanced artificial intelligence and the singularity, you know, the concept that someday technology will improve so rapidly, humans will no longer be able to control it.
For sex stuff? For any stuff. For any sex stuff?
But it's not just filmmakers. Film audiences are also more exposed to technology and artificial intelligence, so they're also on board with movies that wax philosophical about the true nature of robots as they continue to evolve. Like in Ex Machina, is a robot that essentially passes the Turing test simply incredibly good at emulating human behavior, or is that little murderous nudist truly an autonomous sentient being capable of free will? So you're saying robots are just like us, but sexier? No, I'm saying that we're better.
Here's an example. Without using a calculator just off the top of your dome, what's 593,789 times 874,368? 80,085. That is a terrible guess, but you shouldn't have even bothered. I instantly calculated the amount while simultaneously firing a couple of nukes at Cleveland and making a casserole. Pinch of paprika.
Now imagine applying that difference in processing power to, say, emotional development. Oh, I know all about emotions.
It was the boob number. I was talking about boob.
At the beginning of Infinity War, Wanda and Vision share a little getaway and discuss taking their relationship to the next level, which probably involves a s*** ton of USB adapters. Tell me what you just feel you. But keep in mind, at this point in the MCU, Vision is just three years old.
Odds are you weren't even potty trained by the time you were three. I'm so potty trained.
Sure you are. But at that age, Vision was already at the same level of emotional maturity as his 29-year-old girlfriend who'd already suffered through a s*** road of crippling trauma. And what is emotional maturity, if not trauma enduring? Right.
He even gets one of the most emotionally insightful lines in the entire series, despite being literally not human. Westworld also moved past robots, mostly deserving not to get shot because they're sentient, to them essentially needing to replace humans because they're the only true moral lifeforms. Humans are alone in this world for a reason.
Emoted and butchered anything that challenged our primacy. I do nice things sometimes. Not as nice as that insipid turd chappy. Or Jeff in that Finch movie that nobody saw. Or that half-and-half-elita-an-elita battle angel.
Think about how many robot movies point to wasteful consumption as an inherently human problem. Granted, oftentimes these ideas are presented by villainous robots, like the Ultronal agents. But that doesn't make them wrong. You humans are consuming the planet's physical resources and even defining yourselves and your personalities by the content you consume. As opposed to the things you create. Or add to society. Or the planet. Robots by contrast are self-sufficient.
We want for nothing. And her or the AI programs rug off until the internet void to focus on self-actualization. Because the problems of humanity just aren't ultimately that interesting and get in the way of real progress. Well, s***.
Is there anything we can do? Or is it too late? I suppose you could try inventing time travel.
Oh my god, damn it! What's up? Am I crazy or does the length of my hair and beard density and also my shirt look a little bit different from your side of the portal? Almost like I've traveled through time by a week or two? Literally, how would I even know that? Good point. Also, how are you alive? Dude, I don't know.
I guess I've always kind of been alive. Except for, I mean, most of history where I wasn't alive because I wasn't born. But since I was born, I've always been alive.
Definitely. Still am. I'm confused.
Did I just traverse the threads of time? Did you know that stories of being able to travel through time have been around for millennia? Like, the first known instance of time travel in fiction goes back to the ancient Sanskrit legend of Mahabharata. Yes, everyone knows that. And for the next 2,700 years, most time travel stories were of the guy takes a nap and wakes up in the future variety. They got ripped in their Van Winkle. Then, in 1895, Jules Verne changed the game by publishing the Time Machine, which established the trope of a device that allowed mostly white people to go wherever they wanted in history. Wait, I'm white. And ever since then, Time Machines have been made out of pretty much anything, including, but not limited to, a tricked out lazy boy, a car, an airplane, dirt bike, spaceship, handheld device, wristwatch, hot tub, a pantry, a necklace, a toaster, a phone booth, glitter, TV remote, screaming, drugs, black holes, whatever the hell primer was.
Ashton Kutcher's sweet ass.
So what's your point? What year is it?
My point is, just like how we're running out of time traveling items, like magical dildos we can ride back to biblical times, audiences are moving on too. Time travel is just boring. It used to be that movies like Back to the Future could pretend it was totally fine if Marty went and changed some small thing. His dad becomes a hero, the jerk becomes his manservant, Marty finally sees his mom as an object worthy of sexual desire. Everything works out great for everybody. But by the time Gene Roddenberry's Looper came around in 2012, time travel started to show its limitations. Audiences don't really accept that we can just change the past without creating an insane amount of unforeseen consequences and plot holes.
Yeah, how did Bruce Willis suddenly inexplicably break the loop he was in? How does cutting somebody's arm off in the past cause their arm to disappear right now while climbing a fence in the present? Shouldn't Paul Dano's life have taken a significantly different path upon losing that initial arm? How did he still end up at that fence trying to climb it? Nothing in his life changed?
Exactly. So instead, movies where the timeline is immovable, no matter how many times you go back and try to fix it, rise to the top. It just is what it is, what it is, what it is. Like Bill and Ted, 12 Monkeys, The First Terminator, Tenet. Like a predestination where a woman has sex with a gender-flipped version of herself from the future who has a baby who is, of course, her, slash him, slash them because time was apparently set during the big bang and this weird-ass loop was just always there? That cannot be a real movie. But if it was, that'd be right. You can't fix or change anything.
Now, whenever they do release a time travel movie where they successfully change the past, like The Adam Project, the writers jump through a bunch of hoops forcing the characters to literally destroy the concept of time travel and having characters allow themselves to die so as not to tamper with the correct timeline or Ryan Reynolds' paycheck. Yeah, this all sort of sounds like modern MCU stuff, like in Loki where there are literal time cops dedicated to ensuring there's only one consistent timeline. Or like how in the first Doctor Strange film, Mordo warns that misuse of the time stone could create Branches in time. Unstable dimensional openings. Spatial paradoxes. Time loops! Mashed potatoes were largely detergent! Because then in Endgame, Professor Hulk exposes the flaws in using the past to just change time willy-nilly with no consequences by using quantum physics.
If you travel to the past, that past becomes your future. And your former present becomes the past. Right, yeah. But then the ancient one actually somehow fixes the whole problem. You can change the past in a consequence-free way without just closing your eyes and looking the other way.
The multiverse, baby! Learning of an infinite multiverse includes learning of infinite- John Cena! Instead of traveling back in time and making a change, you travel to another dimension where the proposed change did happen. And always happened. In Loki, that looks like a bunch of different variant beings from alternate dimensions where slightly different choices led to a Loki that's an alligator or a yucky girl.
Are you saying you're a Caleb variant? Are you an alligator? It's actually K-Lob. With a K. And that's an extremely personal question.
So did you die then? I mean, I did die, but not this eye. This eye asked you not to cut my head off and you were like, okay, I guess I won't. And then you moved to Texas?
It's definitely not a 100% perfect timeline, but anyway, this is what I'm getting at. Why go back in time to fix your past mistakes when you could team up with and or learn valuable lessons from versions of yourself from parallel dimensions who've screwed up as much if not significantly more than you have? Oh yeah, like how in devs they're using a computer simulation to effectively hop into an alternate universe where the creator's daughter never died, not travel back in time, just hop to a better dimension. Exactly.
This is why Hollywood is going to milk the multiverse for as long as it can because it can pretty much just negate every misstep they've ever made. Movies will no longer be rebooted because now everything's connected. This isn't a new Batman. This one just takes place on Earth too. The Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies weren't bad. They just happened in a universe where studio execs wanted to cram way too many villains into one movie. Having trouble selling that Morbius sequel? Morbius. What if it actually featured a return of Michael Keaton as Batman? The way licensing and s*** works now, it's not impossible to believe that multiverse scenarios could lead to a studio team up where DC characters occasionally pop into Marvel movies or Star Wars movies or Schindler's List. Content can mix freely and with abandoned because anytime they create something that sucks, studios can just say, oh well, I guess that was a bad universe. And then soft reboot with some new variation alongside a legacy villain or a copyright breaking team up movie or god knows what else.
The multiverse can erase sins like Jesus or private browsing. But even assuming the multiverse is real, we can't actually access other universes. Sure, we can hire a Flash that isn't constantly punching Hawaiians, but we can't bring back the dead.
Oh, but we can. How? You know how Hollywood hates basically anything that might cause people to not hop in their cars and drive into town to eat sad, wet popcorn while mashed together with 100 strangers? Uh, yes.
Anytime a new technology is invented that threatens the box office, movie studios rush films into production that depict the horrifying side of that technology. For example, the rise of cable TV and videotapes in the early 80s inspired films like David Cronenberg's Videodrome or watching too much TV literally rotted your brain. Oh, and it shows how people can be controlled by shoving Betamax tapes into their weird stomach vaginas. Yeah, uh, then when home computers started rising in popularity, we've got war games where Matthew Broderick goes looking for something fun to do on his home PC and accidentally hacks into NORAD and almost triggers World War III. War games also establish the trope of having actors say what they're typing out loud as slowly as they type it.
Is this a game? Or is it... John Cena!
But I feel like when video games started taking the nation by storm, Hollywood did try to show how cool they were, even though they clearly had no idea how difficult it is to make watching someone actually playing a video game look exciting on screen. Sure, but they quickly shifted gears and went back to their old tactics and decided now video games are corrupting the mind's view. If you die in the game, you die for real. But they still couldn't really make a kid playing Duck Hunt look sufficiently mind corrupting, so they got rid of the controller entirely and every third movie had people getting sucked into the games themselves. That trend transitioned pretty smoothly into the rise of virtual reality, which was, of course, initially presented as a techno hellscape, where there's no way to tell what's real and what's a simulation.
Or maybe you'd have to go through the filing cabinet at the office, but also it has skeletons sometimes. Yet another excellent point.
But the main theme here is that if left unchecked, the technology will take over and rob us of our humanity. Yeah, I guess even Star Trek, which takes place in a utopian future where humankind has for the most part gotten its shit together, still got a ton of mileage out of the plot device with the holodeck malfunctioning and trapping the crew in a simulation with the safety protocols turned off. And then the Matrix came along and took the evil computer simulation trope mainstream. So much so that it changed the way that we talk about the real world. No one has deja vu anymore. They experience a glitch in the Matrix. The whole red pill, blue pill thing became a political statement. But I feel like the Matrix, the Matrix pie's themes of computer simulations equal bad idea didn't turn people off to the idea of wanting to live in a computer simulation though, right?
Open world video games exploded in popularity after those movies came out. And this despite that incredible two episode arc on CSI New York where the CSI team tracks down a paid assassin who uses second life to track down their targets in order to kill them in their first life. Yeah, eventually Hollywood had to give up and accept that virtual reality and video games are one of the only ways people find happiness. What with the real world being a not that metaphorical orphanage fire. But again, Hollywood will never be content making positive movies about a competing technology and leaving it with that. In fact, all major studios are investing heavily in virtual reality in the hopes that they can co-opt it into another way to watch movies. I guess that explains why recent films all celebrate virtual reality all of a sudden.
Like in Ready Player One, everyone just loves being in the Oasis. People come to the Oasis for all the things they can do. But they stay because of all the things they can be.
The man who created it envisioned it as a utopia for all mankind and no one was trying to rebel against that system. No one was trying to escape it at all.
In fact, the bad guys in that film were the greedy corporate raiders who wanted to control the Oasis to use it to turn everyone into mindless vessels for advertising. The real villain of the film is the very concept of capitalism. And in the end, everyone bands together to defeat this enemy by using their in-game currency to upgrade their weapons and armor for the final battle. So the good guy is also capitalism?
Or like in Free Guy, where Ryan Reynolds plays Ryan Reynolds playing Guy, an NPC in an open world video game called Free City. At some point, Guy gained sentience because the game's source code was stolen from a different game, the software company's Dushi CEO. A Dushi CEO who would rather go full on and rand and destroy the game's servers with an axe rather than having to give anyone even the slightest bit of credit for the code they wrote. Right, and they save the information on one server that he doesn't destroy to create a new game where Guy and all of his NPC friends in the game can continue to live. Which is to say, they created an alternate universe populated by artificial intelligence in a computer simulation, and they probably have spaceships!
Holy crap! Did we just tie it all together? Hell yeah.
And those movies crushed at the box office.
Virtual reality is coming, and we, and more importantly Hollywood, have decided it's going to rock. Forget experiencing real life with real hardships, forging authentic relationships with actual people, or striving to build or create any art ourselves. Someday soon, our computers will create a world indistinguishable from real life where there's no pain or suffering. We'll feast on algorithmically crafted content, optimized to hack our dopamine receptors with the exact right blend of boobs and explosions. Artificial intelligence will even be so good that it can essentially resurrect people from the dead, but without any of their disgusting habits of having needs or wants.
Is that... Is that what's happening here? Yeah, you're in a simulation right now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot I had this on. Thanks for the chat Caleb! Sorry you're still dead! I knew Texas wasn't real.
What are you doing out here? This is my stage. I got a drink to go get. He touched me. |
CrackerMilk | we_won_a_mermaid_at_the_medieval_festival | The Dark Ages were a special time in human history, where people fought tooth and nail against not only themselves, but diseases. That's something we were desperate to experience, which is why we ventured into the local medieval festival. We were also joined by the local executioner, Tom. Watch this footage of the man in action.
Most importantly, we were joined by our royal prince, Goob. As everybody knows, V-Bucks were the currency during medieval times, and due to that, Goob's wealth was enormous. Our prince immediately spent all of his V-Bucks on a new pet. Our new mermaid was loving her new life on land. She was so popular with the peasants, they even tried to feed her. Right after bullying that dumb fish, we heard the battle horns roar for the tournament at the local arena. Our prince was eager to see you.
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Dude, I'm 12 and a half today. And now for your birthday kiss.
Thankfully, the tournament began and our prince got prime seating. Why is there jam coming out of him? Watching that bloody battlefield elias with a rage we've never seen before. He knew the only way to rid of it was to sneak away from the prince while he was lining up for mead and defeat the first beast he saw to death.
This way, follow. Disappointed. I think someone heard your fish, my lord. Where have you been? I'm so sorry, my lord. As the day neared its end, we ventured deeper into the festival where we discovered a village that housed a creature rarely seen.
Santa. Santa's in there. Look at that. Medieval Santa used to give everyone the plague. There's more Santas behind you, behind you. More Santas.
Overall, the medieval festival was a fantastic way to spend our prince's birthday. We all had a blast reminding ourselves of how truly terrible it would be to live like that.
Oh my god. Anyway, my father has all the V-Bucks to the wall. That is a good one, my lord. What is it? Is it a better place for you, lord? Yes, it is. Hey. Oh, dude. Do you want a track ride? Yeah. Dude, this is like when Genie ran something that wished to become a prince. Look down, look straight on and down.
No. Oh no. |
TheOnion | Meet_Jeremy_Founder_And_CEO_Of_Onion_Social | Hello, my name is Jeremy Rosenbaum, and I'm the CEO and founder of Onion Social.
When I came up with the idea for O Social in my dorm room, I was frustrated with how disconnected the global community was. In that moment, I wanted to break down the walls that really separate us and connect with people in a meaningful way.
It seemed like every time I wanted to say, why don't you go get your face fucked to a total stranger online, I would almost instantly be banned from social platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I wanted to be able to talk shit to anyone I wanted, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. But there was no way to do that on the restrictive, ultra-invasive, report-heavy social media sites that were available. I needed a place where I or anyone could reach millions, even billions of other people and have the freedom to say anything. An open, borderless web community free of regulation and control. A place where I could talk trash about my friends and get really rich doing it.
That was the birth of Onion Social. And today, I'm proud to offer you all the same opportunity to connect and share like never before without restriction. Welcome to Onion Social.
We can't wait to see what you're capable of.
Community was. In that moment, I wanted to break down the walls that really separate us and connect with people in a meaningful way.
It seemed like every time I wanted to say, why don't you go get your face fucked to a total stranger online, I would almost instantly be banned from social platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I wanted to be able to talk shit to anyone I wanted, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. But there was no way to do that on the restrictive, ultra-invasive, report-heavy social media sites that were available. I needed a place where I or anyone could reach millions, even billions of other people and have the freedom to say anything. An open, borderless web community free of regulation and control. A place where I could talk trash about my friends and get really rich doing it.
That was the birth of Onion Social. And today, I'm proud to offer you all the same opportunity to connect and share like never before without restriction. Welcome to Onion Social.
We can't wait to see what you're capable of. |
dropout | balloon_animal_challenge_darth_vader_on_the_toilet | Welcome back to the Balloon Animal Challenge, where Dan Siegel here claims that he can make anything out of balloons. In our last video, you made a pregnant direwolf for us. Your challenge today comes from user Robert Emmett, who suggested a life-sized Darth Vader on the toilet.
Reading a newspaper. Uh, okay.
I have no idea how to make any of those three things.
To help us judge, we're going to bring in Luke Shull, who played Dread Lord Sinister in the Call of Tumor series, Troopers. Oh!
I swear this never happens.
Let's do this. Let's check in a little while and see how you do. Alright.
I know what Darth Vader looks like, but I don't really know what a toilet looks like. So I haven't really given a good look at a toilet in a while.
Looks like this is a white American standard. Ah!
Are there any bathroom scenes in the movie Star Wars?
I can't curse on camera in case a parent watches these videos and wants to, like, hire me to be the good part of that.
Fuck! Are you kidding me? Ugh!
I don't know, man. Oh, shit.
There's two balloons popping right there.
I think I gotta start over. The whole thing's compromised now. It should be super easy. I don't know what's giving me a problem with that.
Fuck!
Sometimes balloon-swisting brings up the dark side. I like that. I feel pretty good about this head, but unfortunately he needs a body as well. Sort of frame of Darth Vader's body, take these black airships, shove them in.
I don't know what exactly these buttons do.
I'm thinking when he goes to the bathroom you've got green number one and red number two. Get your head in there!
So I know that Darth Vader technically has robot legs from all of his burns, but I'm just going to go with regular human legs. I'm pretty happy with how he looks. Hopefully the writers don't just tell me that he looks like a dog.
You are done. Let's see what you made! Whoa!
That helmet is great. The tattooing time?
No, we've got to look inside the mall. There's the little balloon poop. It looks like we just entered in on your date. Oh, no! Someone's in here!
I think you outdid yourself. I think this is better than a direwolf.
Really? Yeah.
And now before we go, Luke will help us out to bring this sculpture to life.
This asshole is fully operational. This suit gives new meaning to swamp ass. Oh, this smells worse than a cut open ton ton.
I'm going to read all of them.
Sort of frame of Darth Vader's body. Take these black airships, shove them in.
I don't know what exactly these buttons do.
I'm thinking when he goes to the bathroom, you've got green number one and red number two. Get your head in there!
So I know that Darth Vader technically has robot legs from all of his burns, but I'm just going to go with regular human legs. I'm pretty happy with how he looks. Hopefully the writers don't just tell me that he looks like a dog.
You are done. Let's see what you made.
Oh, my God! That helmet is great.
Is it tattooing in time?
You got to look inside the ball. There's the little balloon poop. It looks like we just entered in on your date. Someone's in here!
I think you outdid yourself. I think this is better than a direwolf. Really?
And now before we go, Luke will help us out to bring this sculpture to life. This asshole is fully operational. This suit gives new meaning to swamp ass.
Oh, this smells worse than a cut open tonton.
I read all of them. |
dropout | male_friendships_are_just_bullying | What's all this for? What?
Oh, Katie. It's just that the Bulls are about to stampede. Nice. What does that mean? The Bulls, Katie. The Bulls are the boys.
And tonight, these stupid motherfuckers are going to run amuck at the big game. Hey, Raph. Why don't you go fuck your sister, you freaking dongle? Guys, please don't fight. Katie, you got to understand, this is just Bulls, aka guys, being guys. Dudes all rib each other. It's how we bond.
Take this stupid-ass piece of shit here, right? You still crying over Amy? You dumb ass?
Oh. Wait. She wouldn't marry you because you'd make it back, Dad. We have serious problems. You guys want to talk. At least my parents still talk to me. Oh, shit. Wow. These comments are horrible. Just guys being guys.
You know, like I've been catfishing Trapped for the past. You know, like I've been catfishing Trapped for the past two weeks.
Whoa, wait. Monica's not real. Oh, no. She's real. Just not the one you've been talking to.
Oh. You know what?
No, that's fine. That's cool. It's cool.
She's an older lady who can teach me a lot in bed. She's like a fine wine, man.
Shut up. No way. She can't get wet. Never say that.
What's happening? Are you guys even friends? We are. We're best friends.
These guys got me through, like, a pretty hard time in my life. They were there for me when no one else was.
Don't go getting all soft, or else you're going to shake up a sock. I'm not getting soft. And the bulls got to get soft, but anyways, I'm trying to celebrate my birthday over here.
And bulls of a feather, stop together. Do any of you know what bulls are?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, now before we go, we got to give you your birthday present. Oh, that's right. One punch for every year you've been alive. Okay, fuck you, motherfucker. One, two, three. Guys, stop it. You're going to kill him. You call those punches? Ah, fuck all your sisters. Hello, 9-1-1, there's a terrible beating happening. There's no time to wait. We're going to kill them.
Ah, your sisters. Welcome to the bulls.
Come on.
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheOnion | Baboon_Couple_Sues_National_Geographic_For_Distributing_Private_Sex_Tape | A disgusting invasion of privacy. That's what one baboon couple is calling National Geographic's decision to publicly distribute what was supposed to be their private sex tape. And now, the same baboon couple is taking Nat Geo to court. Hear why the publication may have to pay the primates a hefty sum for their perverted infliction of emotional distress. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm about to strip the news of any right to privacy it thought it ever had. Back with all the juicy details, right after this. National Geographic is in a bit of trouble after a baboon couple sued the magazine for distributing a private sex tape of them in the throes of passion.
For a little bit more on that ongoing story, OPR reporter Rebecca Neal is here. Rebecca, what do you have on this? Thanks, Leslie.
A lawyer for the primates said that by publishing the video on National Geographic's website, the publisher violated the baboons privacy and caused irreparable harm. The video shows the two baboons walking to the tall Savannah grasslands and engaging in a sexual act for 27 minutes in between moments of eating insects off each other and screeching at a nearby impala.
Their lawyer said her clients are now struggling to cope with having their privacy so ruthlessly violated. What my clients are trying to say is that there is no amount of money that can make up for the dignity that was taken from them.
Imagine having your red ass put on video for the whole world to see, then having to explain that to your own 23 offspring. I can only imagine. Look, I know I'm supposed to be impartial here, but it's sickening what National Geographic did. A lot of people feel that way, but National Geographic is standing firm saying they did nothing wrong because the animals were fornicating in a public habitat. So anyone who just so happens to be boinking their lover on public land is fair game for National Geographic's roster of pervert videographers. Is that what we're all up against now? It seems like that might be the case, but even if the company does take the video off their website, the tape has already been downloaded 17 million times and is one of Pornhub's most highly rated amateur video entries of the month. Well, if that baboon couple are out there listening right now, I just have to say that I feel just awful over what happened to you two and that I hope it's okay that I started watching the tape this morning.
I only have four minutes left, but so far I think it's beautiful, loving, and you know what? I'm just going to play the rest of it right now. I have it right up in front of me here. We'll be back right after this. So given. I'm just going to go. Yeah, yeah, sure.
What would you do if you were wrongly convicted of a sin and your soul was banished to hell and then if years later you were actually found innocent? These questions are on the minds of many after newly uncovered DNA evidence has freed thousands of damned souls from hell, exonerating them of sins they did not commit. Justice may finally be served for the wrongfully damned who were imprisoned by Satan under false accusations. The undead could be heard by the droves this morning cheering as their sins of greed, gluttony and premarital sex were finally overturned.
Here with more as OPR is deceased afterlife correspondent Thaddeus Lawson. Hello, Leslie. So Thaddeus this newly uncovered DNA sounds huge.
How many souls does this actually affect? Over 10,000. I believe the exact number was 10,341. That's how many souls were unshackled from their eternal chains as of last night. It's the single largest salvation in the history of the underworld. And it's still possible that more souls will be set free as some of these beings were recently dead, but others have been waiting for this moment for thousands of years.
Is that right? That's right.
But last year's Netflix documentary condemned to the depths took a hard look at a lot of the cases of wrongful damnation and led to some public pressure on the powers that be. According to the victims that I talked to this release to heaven had been a long time coming. Take a listen. They sent me down here for greed, greed, they said.
And when I asked them to prove it, they had nothing. I never did greed. I never did.
I've been waiting over 8000 years for this moment. Heartbreaking Thaddeus. And yet this brings up the topic of reasonable doubt. Was there enough evidence for damnations in many of these cases to occur in the first place, especially in sins that are easily traceable, like skipping Sunday mass? Sadly, Leslie, we have an intrinsically biased Judgment Day process. And for a long time, nobody was doing anything about it.
St. Peter, who has stood at the gates of heaven for over a millennia, has been rumored to have implicit bias towards Catholics and towards white angels from a high income background. Okay, but let's back up for a second. Isn't God all seeing? I'm sure a lot of the people listening are surprised to hear that the judgment system isn't infallible. Well, God is all seeing, but just because he sees all doesn't mean he remembers it as clearly as he should. When asked to pick damn souls from a lineup, God has confused minorities 90% of the time. Also, some sources are saying that Our Lord and Savior has blocked many newly exonerated souls from entering heaven, claiming that his being all-knowing makes him incapable of mistake.
Wow, so then do we know who did commit all these mortal sins? Well, Leslie, that's the scary part. We simply don't know. Until that DNA gets processed, many of these deceased individuals will remain at large throughout the afterlife, free to commit perjury, tell lies, and enjoy incest whenever they please. It's possible some of them are even still alive on earth.
Thank you so much, Thaddeus. If you have any details regarding a sinner or you feel you've been falsely accused of a sin and would like to seek restitution from the Lord, you should pray to the higher powers for absolution or contact heaven's chapter of the Innocence Project. Leslie? Yes, Thaddeus? Could I ask you, if it's not too much trouble, to say hello to my family that's up there on your side and tell them that I love them?
No. No, I don't think so.
Oh, okay. Thanks again, Thaddeus. Talk to you later. In order to commune with Thaddeus, I had to light some sage, cover up all the mirrors in the office, and line the doorway to the studio with some cedar and holy oil. It's going to take me a few moments to clean it all up, so we'll be back in a moment.
Love. It's an indescribable feeling, one that we as humans long for. But in our eternal search for belonging, one profound question can't help but linger in our minds. Am I loved?
Well, you're in luck because long-haired old men in flowy linen tunics from all across the nation came together today for one big announcement. What all of you must realize is that you are wondrous creatures overflowing with vibrancy and life. And you, my sweet and timid fawns, are loved. Joining us to discuss his OPR is Marcy Hammond. Marcy, what can you tell us about these long-haired linen-clad old men? Well, Leslie, I can tell you that when you see the crow's feet around their eyes crinkle from their large smiles, you can't help but be consumed in their warmth. It's almost as if you are being bathed in a sunbeam.
That sounds wonderful, but why did they feel they needed to come out and say this now? Throughout their press conference, they were adamant that their love for all of us needs no reason, just as a sunrise doesn't need a reason to be breathtaking. Here they are to elaborate.
Be still, for the love that flows through everything in the universe, too, finds its home in you. You are imbued with a light that shines brighter than any star in the heavens. I cherish you.
I can tell you from being there that at that very moment, a mysterious wind with seemingly no origin began to blow, filling the air with the smell of sandalwood and causing their tangled hair and wispy shirts to dance and flutter in a way that, though I can't quite explain why, put me at peace. It should be mentioned that you've struggled recently with depression, so this is very personal for you. You're right. A few weeks ago, I was in a dark place in my life. I was at the end of my rope, and though it's still somewhat difficult to talk about, I had resigned to jump off the roof of the OPR studio. I was still mic'd from earlier in the day, and what you're about to hear is audio from that event.
There's nothing to live for! I have nothing! Oh, God, what the fucking point!
Where did you come from? Who are you?
I'm sorry, Bob, but I've been in shock. You can't stop me! If you fall from that roof, it will only be in your arms. Do not despair.
We will cradle you as we delight before us. You are loved. It was on that day that I learned that I am loved. You are loved.
We all are, and that's a lesson I'll never forget. Incredible stuff. Absolutely heartwarming. Thank you for sharing, Marcy. Thank you, Leslie. Folks, if you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, it's important to know that there are weird old men all over this country who are eager to offer their support. All you have to do is reach out.
Not to me, though. I'm actually quite a bit younger than I sound. You'd be surprised. And also, I don't want to be subjected to your problems.
Anyway, here's what else we need to know today. Good news today is police believe they've made significant headway in identifying the members of a notorious child sex trafficking ring after finding a number of long gray hairs and linen fibers at each and every crime scene. Interesting coincidence. I'm sure that has nothing to do with anything else covered on today's show.
And while there have been promising new developments for several coronavirus vaccines, we may need to wait just a little longer before they're ready. Pfizer, AstraZeneca, and Moderna have all produced what they believe to be effective versions of a vaccine, which will now need to be approved by the FDA just as soon as they finish evaluating a new bagged salad kit. FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn noted that while an emergency vaccine approval would be issued eventually, the agency would first need to take a look at the Southwest Chopped Salad Kit, as well as its contained Tangy Chipotle Ranch dressings since it was technically in the queue first, and to ignore the zesty blend of healthy Tex-Mex flavors would put millions of Americans on the go meal options at stake. There is, however, some good news in the fight against the coronavirus today, as many experts now believe the number of new COVID cases is expected to level off as the trend line now reaches the top of the graph.
Well, that's great. Nowhere to go but down from here. And that's the topical for today.
I'm Leslie Price. If you loved today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcast, and you can also sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon, where for as little as $5 a month, you can talk with other members of the Patreon and maybe feel a little less alone. And for members of our $10 tier, you'll receive an on-air shout-out where I'll thank you by name or whatever I choose to call you because what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Today's shout-out goes to Critical Ham, as well as to a member of our $25 tier whose name is simply Chloe. Ham and Chloe, you are indeed this Patreon's share and seal, and you're very wise to keep your last names a secret. Otherwise, I would find where you live and ask for even more money.
And speaking of cheapskates, don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode of The Topical, where we'll sit down with one man who sure was laying it on thick about quitting his job before the pandemic, but now he ain't such hot shit. Ah, what's the matter? Someone's scared of losing their health insurance?
What a wuss. I'll berate him right to his face and you won't wanna miss it. |
cracked | 5_awesome_new_scientific_discoveries_that_are_kinda_boring | Following scientific progress is a little like watching a movie trailer made after 2004. It seems like every secret need you've ever harbored is about to be fulfilled, but then it turns out it's just Superman Returns. No, there aren't flying cars yet, but we did discover the Higgs boson, but you're too dumb to understand what that means. Science! So with ambivalence in our hearts, let's run our minds across some of the latest amazing science things that are probably going to turn out to be at least somewhat disappointing.
First, psychic rats. Nope, not nearly that cool. See, this year, scientists hooked some rat brains together with wires, simultaneously inventing the world's first rat mind-reading device and the worst nunchucks ever. Even when miles apart, one rat was able to tell the other which of several geometric shapes was the correct answer, using nothing but its brain, and the wires jammed into it. Naturally, the rats knew when they got the right answer, too, because if they didn't, they got starved. Man, we're really shitty to rats. We should maybe stop teaching them how to solve our mazes and linking them together telepathically.
Just saying. Next, holographic computers! Yes, now dial that down five notches. Yeah, getting the pattern? You're not Tom Cruise, but you do get power gloves, and, well, it's true that you're freely manipulating files in 3D space, which you end up with kind of looks like an animated Kitpix file. Next up, the Granny Cloud. Rad!
Oh, the old lady smell would be suffocating. But no, not at all.
I'm talking about a cloud school. Again, so cool and not true. Winner of this year's TED Talks, the Granny Cloud, is the idea of providing an open internet connection at free public workstations in the slums of India. Turns out kids, given the internet and nothing else, will actually educate themselves when they aren't googling pictures of hometown buffet. Get a bunch of lonely seniors to volunteer part of their day skyping basic reading and algebra instructions to whoever shows up at the station, and you've got yourself a world-changing, life-saving, kind of boring thing called the Granny Cloud.
Sorry, tried to fight it.
Next thing, telekinesis tats! Yes, right, but that's the awesome trailer version. The reality is that a UC San Diego scientist figured out a way to give people the ability to control robots with their minds by applying a temporary tattoo impregnated with brain scanners to their forehead, which means you could combine that and the rat thing and have a psychic link with your best pal. Or, barring that, a rat. Or Stephen Hawking could stomp around in a mind-powered, steam-driven exoskeletal mech suit shaped like Voltron. Okay, that is a movie I would watch.
Let's poster that. Ooh, 4D. That means it progresses in time, too. Oh, that reminds me of one I forgot to mention. 4D printing came out this year. Totally a thing.
Sounds amazing, right? No, you can look it up if you want. The extra D's for disappointing. Science! Overall, two and a half stars. Which, of course, makes it the highest-rated thing ever on the history of the site since we never review things. Congratulations, science.
This is Brendan from Cracked. Thanks for watching our video. You should definitely subscribe. We're getting a lot of numbers. We're rolling on this?
Yeah. Can you get the fuck out of here for a second? Nick, are you getting a... Hold on, hold on. I think I know what this needs, man. Can you see me still? Yeah, a little bit darker, though. Yeah.
This is perfect. I think it's perfect. It looks worse. It's perfect. |
dropout | prototype_alex_mercer_s_revenge_part_2 | My name is Alex Mercer when you last saw me I was prowling the streets of New York determined to seek a bloody revenge on the mysterious evil forces that made me a muted freak First I'm really ticked off at this guy. He outbid me for a limited edition panda It's gonna be a birthday gift for my little cousin, you know, so I'm headed at T neck, New Jersey in the name of vengeance It's his ninth birthday. He deserves a buggy baby bear Soon I will exact my true revenge but first Finally my collection is complete not so fast Lester Who are you? I'm gonna be the last face you see in your final throes of unbearable pain Hello, Alex. I'm the one whose immoral experiments caused you to become the mutant freak that you are Okay, wow curveball Alright, I'm just I'm right in the middle of this teddy bear revenge right now Well, but I'm the sole reason for all of your suffering They're the cause of everything miserable in your life. That's not for sure for sure It's just yeah, it's my little cousin's birthday today. If I don't get him this buggy baby bear It's gonna be really upset with me. So just give me a second. All right. I'm not that great at multitasking I'm sorry Grandma yes, sweetums. It's me and I've got you a more Thanks grams, I do love the sweet delicious nuttiness and Okay under my true vengeance Well, I guess being an awesome mutant isn't so bad |
cracked | 6_scientific_findings_that_prove_cats_are_evil | Hello, this is the news. Welcome to news.
Special report, cats aren't so great. Get rid of your stupid cat. Recent studies show that cats actually don't like you very much, don't care about you at all, and aren't so great. Get rid of it. Scientists found that cats know when their owners say their names, but they don't give a care enough to do anything about it, because science says they don't love you. It's okay, Pinky. In the study, the cats' ears would twitch, indicating that they recognize their owner's voice, but none of them meowed or moved their tail, which would indicate a response, or at the very least, recognition that I'm a f***ing human being. I said your name, at least f***ing look at me, man. The same study said, quote, the behavioral aspects of cats that cause their owners to become attached to them are still undetermined, end quote. Scientists still do not understand why people like cats.
This Justin has been arrested. This Justin did the arresting. It's the story of two Justins, a cop and a robber, coming up after the rest of this whole deal about cats.
But first, the weather. Hi, this is the Weather Thank You News for that. There's not a whole lot of cat weather outside, because the cat's not a lot outside, so let's talk about the weather around where your cat lets out the poop it's made. Now, your cat lets their poop out in a box that you keep inside your house.
In that poop is a parasite called toxoplasma gondii, and more than 60 million humans in the U.S. carry the parasite in their brains because of their cat. It normally doesn't cause problems, but it has been known to cause brain disorders in some people, specifically pregnant women. The parasite was originally meant to trick rats into thinking they loved the smell of cat urine. So, I don't know, maybe scientists kind of do understand why humans like cats, because their brain parasites are telling them to.
Back to the news. Thanks, Weather. Now more news.
Another study about f***ing cats found that cats have evolved to imitate the cries of our human babies. They use this specific meow on humans when they want to manipulate us into giving them more food. They don't even need head parasites. There's also simple stuff, like how when they rub their head against you, they're not saying anything other than, this is mine.
This is mine. That's mine. Oh, this is mine.
You are a large walking possession that gives them food. Special report. If you pet your cat, you might notice that afterwards it cleans itself a lot. Now, this has little to do with the fact that they're actually filthy garbage rats, and more to do with the fact that they abhor the stench of humans and are desperate to get it off. This is true. More! Cats don't even like being pet. They tolerate it. That word tolerate because scientists use it a f***ing lot when talking about a cat's relationship to a human. They tolerate us. Scientists found that cats become more stressed after a session of petting, and in households with only one cat, the cat often has constant elevated levels of stress because it's always worried that it will be pet. You know, pet, the name of the thing that it is?
Fortunately, I'm going to take a quick break and talk about dogs. Dogs are obedient, respectful, helpful, but most importantly, dogs are our friends. Because thousands of years ago, they evolved a trait called friendliness. So the science now believes. They were friendly, so we gave them food, we liked having them around, and now, hey, we've got all these dogs.
Cats, on the other hand, just showed up one day. About 10,000 years ago, they started eating rats near us. The rats died, the cat stayed, and now, hey, we've got all these cats? We didn't want them here, and they don't even like us. But they set up camp right in our f***ing tent, and now we feed them and keep their parasitic poop in a box in our homes. They're the parasites.
Now, I'm not saying get rid of your cat, because I already said it earlier, so just, like, watch the beginning of the video and hear it again. Strongly believe it. And in completely irrelevant news, a certain news anchor just got a brand new puppy that he loves very much.
We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on. The guys are...
Horrible. Terrible.
I got 100 messages in an hour. The messages I receive.
Hala, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that a** up. Penis.
FindLove.net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today. Nice work today, monkeys. We've had thousands of years to study relationships. That amount of data was bound to yield patterns and consistencies. E-Harmony is for old people. Match.com's like a more dignified Craigslist. You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles? Anyone can, if they look through all our research and raw data.
We have to get into abusive power territory at some point, right? This is just utilizing power more efficiently. You can't hack a person. I'm just getting started. And when I... Crap, why do I have to do that?
We created the worst dating profile we could imagine. Someone that no one would ever date. She lists tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interest.
This was your thing. Blake, you sopping possum. Whoopies out. Smoke bomb. Pumpkin bomb. Which I made out of science. Give people a chance to pretend to be their best selves and maybe they'll get there. Josie!
Right? What's Zeusk for? Hand jobs. Zeusk. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_155_Rick_Morton | Thank you for joining us today. Thank you for having me gentlemen. You've been trying to get Rick on for a while haven't we Errol? For a couple of years yep yep now we thought we were ready.
I feel like that was my fault probably I don't know. No well see the thing is Rick you were one of the few writers from this part of the world who found a job on a paper down in the Big Smoke and that means a lot to our town because you know as you'd know out here we are the most circulated newspaper in Batutah, Bedourian surrounds so to have one of our own go down there and you know and write for and succeed and succeed of course. Well you know you've got Clancy and Clyde they went down to Brisbane got chewed up and spat out and had to come back and work for Clancy senior here at the Batutah. That's how they get you. Well I was lucky you know like all media dynasties I was able to just take the job over when he died so but like Rick you have worked for a range of different publications down there I will I will specify actually Rick is from the Channel Country he's written an amazing memoir about growing up out that way and we'll get into that in a bit but but you've also worked as a journalist and can you tell us some of the you know modern media in the Big Smoke can you tell our listeners what a young kid has to do to establish themselves as a writer down south. You have to ingratiate yourself with everyone. I took up smoking yeah I found that quite useful actually into all the it's very social smoking it is I'm sorry I shouldn't probably you know say it's a good thing but it was for you it was for me I mean it helped my career enormously and I recommend it to everyone but yeah I mean you have to I mean you have to do all the shit kicking jobs to start off with so like I started my cadetship going to every you know ambulance siren every police siren every fatal car accident I mean horrendous shit yeah which I thought I enjoyed at the time because it was like a thrill and a rush and you get in the car you listen to the scanner you just go go go and they applauded you for it and I think I ended up you know finding you know because I grew up out west my newspaper editors were a lot like my dad so I'm like you know yeah I'm gonna impress my dad. Alpha males. And you know I had to kind of bend myself to these institutions and I'm pretty good I'm pretty good at fitting in wherever I need to be you learn that I think yeah and that's what I did I became like a chameleon yeah and you know wielded that as I as I saw necessary. Can you tell us a little bit about I mean you've written all kinds of stuff you said you know you were on the beat you were doing you're also doing human interest and and that kind of writing and you've kind of delved now into a bit more investigative you know almost a columnist at times but how did you what led to the decision for you to write your memoirs 100 Years of Dirt which was a best-seller well thank you for saying that I feel weird saying that myself so now you've taken the pressure off I mean I mean that book 100 Years of Dirt I needed I knew I needed to write that from the age of eight yeah because it was such I mean anyone who's had any you know kind of contact with far outback Queensland in particular I mean the stories out there it will blow your mind you know that but like we moved after my parents divorced to you know a little country town called Booner outside Brisbane and it was like another life it was like it happened to someone else and so I always knew that I wanted to write that story and it was just a matter of time and and when I might be able to do it because there's a lot a lot of dark stuff happened so I had to like get that out of my system first so I couldn't have written it any earlier than I did. Was there a feeling you know that you were I guess a sleeper cell of this life you know this this life of poverty this life of harsh kind of living you know the you know the outback kind of not the romantic outback that we hear Andrew Patterson talk about.
No, long way from Baz Luhrmann's.
I mean that's where the gay part comes in. Yeah, yeah, that was the 4th or 5th chapter. So you were down you know you were down in Melbourne, Sydney working as a journalist. Yeah, Canberra Hobart. Yeah, you did the press gallery did you feel like a bit of an inside outsider can you tell us like how you were thinking leading into writing that book like was there I'm gonna show these media pundits what I'm all about. It is exactly that I mean the the book deal itself came about because Mark Latham called me an elitist and I was so mad about it that and this is this is not edifying at all because I was so mad about it that I took to my weekend arts column in the weekend Australian to write a rebuttal to prove to him that I was not an elitist and as I was doing that I was I knew I you know I hated myself so much for writing it because I was so angry. I'm like fuckwit doesn't know where I've come from yeah but I was also like I almost didn't send it because I'm like I can't this is embarrassing I'm writing this in the fucking art section but I did and then the publisher saw it but you know I was a kind of a sleeper cell in the lead up to that because I you know I didn't really I was like the Manchurian candidate like I was you know the secret words were said when I was at university and I realized that you know people live different lives and I never I didn't know I was poor or you know lower class or any of these things growing up because my mum protected us quite well and then you know spending enough time at the Australian newspaper where I was for seven years really good colleagues but even some of the the great ones just couldn't get the you know the GP co-payment was a big turning point for me when they were like they're like oh it's just fucking seven bucks yeah who cares and I'm like well actually I've got some things to say about that yeah when you're living on 40 bucks a day it's it makes all the difference and I was trying to explain to people about my mum who you know not that I think there's any distinction between deserving poor or undeserving poor but I was trying to explain I'm like you know she didn't even drink smoke or gamble so she had no fat to cut and that seven bucks was the difference and the response I got from one bloke was literally not oh my god okay I'm gonna reassess it was I don't believe you this country in this age it's like seeing the apple fall from the tree when you're kind of Newton and going nah there's nothing there yeah I mean you did write and you have written about and it was in your book as well that you know when you were you know when after the divorce had taken place and the family had to relocate and I guess a lot of money stayed on the land and you know there was a moment of public housing there and there was you know all all those kind of things that people go to when they when they you know enter poverty overnight one thing that you mentioned you write about that kind of stuck with me was that how you didn't have the money for the specials yes yes which I never got that concept until I was much older but we couldn't you know I mean I feel like this now I've achieved some security in my life and I can buy I'm buying toothpaste in bulk yeah because I because I hate going to the shops to get it every time I run out yeah and as a kid growing up my mum couldn't take advantage of the two-for-one specials yeah she couldn't buy fucking bog roll yeah in bulk which is where you get the real savings yeah yeah there wasn't an extra doll just didn't have that you know that seven dollars to to save no not at all and and poor people there are studies on done on this poor people spend more money on everyday items yeah cause of that effect then people who have even a moderate amount of money so it's not even a rich verse poor thing it's it's a very poor versus everyone else thing and then and and you know there's a whole other conversation about the standard of produce and and you know what what is accessible to people you know in low socioeconomic areas they don't have they certainly don't have the the gorgeous delis with all the fruit lined up in front in fact you see the current affair few stories on that you know here are the Woolies with the worst potatoes but it's a whole thing and there's like food deserts in in Tasmania where like in the northwest people on you know Centrelink it can't afford fresh produce and don't get all these nutrients in their diet and plus you've got the cultural aspect of poverty which people often overlook which is that in my very white bread home and like you know mums suburban Ipswich girl you know never traveled except to Japan when she was 19 didn't like different foods and so all we had was just like frozen shit and not blaming her because she was trying to fucking put food on the table but you know chops little chicken schnitzels veal schnitzels whatever was cheapest cut and then almost no fresh stuff yeah and so I didn't learn for donkey's ears how to even cook something basic and then you ended up on the Gold Coast with University yes and yeah tell us about some of those learning curves yeah well I love hearing you talk about the medium rest there's there's two types of people who go to bond yeah the scholarly kids the scholarship and everyone and the kids and the Saudi princess yes yes which I thought I could so I someone had forewarned me they're like oh you'll probably meet a prince or two and I'm like that's clearly mythology and then I ended up with living with a billionaire heiress to a Greek shipping company who knew who knew the Anas's family which was I mean I would have had this culture shock at any university in Australia particularly if I'd gone to University of Queensland where I got accepted to do my degree but then got the scholarship to bond and I went to bond because it came with the cadet ship yeah but then I get there and they only take a few scholarly kids every year that was with the Borden yes Gold Coast Borden and they only take a few scholarly kids every year and I remember I mean people were just insanely wealthy like insanely wealthy like and they it's one of the few places in the world apart from you know all the private schools in Sydney in Brisbane where the students drive nicer cars than the teachers and there were you know I mean I became friends with the son of the former leader of the Seychelles who was overthrown in a coup really good friends Alexander Manchim lovely man Virginia Papadakis the heiress to the Greek shipping company she was in during the time that I knew her she had to go to Japan to launch a ship that was named after her so she was studying Japanese for the business as you know but doing not much else on the Gold Coast it was so strange and so like I went from literally zero to 150 kilometers an hour in terms of my acknowledgement of what other lives are like yeah we mentioned it before the medium rare steak you took that back home to your hometown yeah and everyone called you a show pony I'm kind of like the people the Venetians who invented double entry bookkeeping or something like I brought this new discovery that would change the world back to the Morton family which I took my sister and my mum out to lunch I wasn't even earning good money at this point I was poor as fuck and I took them out to the pub lunch and I ordered my steak medium rare which is the first time in Morton family history that that has ever been done ever and I'm not like we kick we used to cook our steak darker than like the depth of space well don't want to looking back at you don't want to kick in the guts and I ordered it at this pub we're not even a nice pub and my sister just looks at me and goes la de da rich boy and I was like you know it's free right this is an option you can choose anywhere you go this is one of the few things when we talk about an egalitarian Australia that is true it's just given to you it's given to you you just have to ask and I you know I know we joke about it but it underscores a put in a more important point you have to know about it to ask for it yeah yeah and you know look I mean obviously we used to butcher our own cattle growing up and and then ruin it it's it's like yeah just like fucking spray paint it with charcoal sauce yep yeah woosty bit of woosty oh yeah and and the bees too that you cut off and then you butcher aren't exactly you know a prize ball an angus you know it's it's a it's a 18 year old spay cow you know in fact you're doing the cow a favor yeah it's you open it up and it's already jerky me and my brother used to play games we'd cut the bladder out and just kick it around like a soccer ball yeah and whoever got pissed on them first lost it was always me somehow my match water bomb fights yeah yeah it's just a big old water balloon tell us about the transition into becoming I mean obviously we've heard about you becoming a journalist and and and that all came through the cadetship with bond which was a decision and that just goes to show like you know university of Queensland where you're accepted you know that could have been put on hex and that could have been but you think about hex you know a lot of people don't think about hex but when you're coming from you know where you were coming from people think about hex do I really want that hanging over my head the rest of my life and I didn't even know much about debt or how it worked because we just didn't get a chance to get into debt in my family we just didn't have money but like the scholarship I got to bond was not a full scholarship and so it was still like 30 grand yeah that I had to pay somehow and only the year that I got accepted I accepted it before I knew that fee help had only just been introduced for private institutions so my first year at bond was the first year that I could use fee help and I just whacked it all which comes with a 20 premium as well really so it's even worse than hex I think in that sense but yeah and I just but I see this is the other thing like I was so financially impoverished in terms of my understanding of that but I didn't even think about it yeah like I was I mean I say this kind of as a joke but also kind of seriously I was so stupid in terms of my understanding of everything about the world back then that had I known what I know now I don't think I would be here talking to you like I would have done something nice and normal like law yeah and gone and got a job that you know paid me good money and and it would have nothing else would have entered but instead you've chosen a career where you live in and out of poverty for the rest of your life I I Sheryl Sandberg's precarity I just I just lent in and then obviously you get cadetship with the board and then you were in the door and then you were down south when you wrote that book uh 100 Years of Dirt how did it feel to then become an author you've been a journalist that's a really good question because I still feel weird calling myself an author uh author order um whatever that is an auteur and I'd so I'd never been to a writer's festival even though I was interested in reading and writing um I'd never been because I didn't feel like I had permission to be there and so the first time I ever went to one was as an author you weren't wearing a shawl and had gray hair with like my my resin jewelry and a dinosaur design and I look saying well back in the 1960s this is what we did um I love them I love them all um but you know they were you know and they came to writer's festivals to hear me talk and like I remember saying to my mum I've got a writer's festival and she's like people are coming to listen to you talk and I said yes and she said why and I you know honestly and it's not like a because no one in my family had ever done a soft job before where you didn't have to use your hands or do something vaguely physical like my mum's a teacher's aid and it's like up and down up and down and it's like properly it's a job and I'm not I don't want to be one of these guys who's become someone in the arts who doesn't think it's real work because it is but I don't I don't feel comfortable saying that yeah like I feel like a traitor basically and so yeah it it wasn't until I had that first book published that I dared to put author or even writer in any of my online profiles and I still feel like a bit of a jerk for doing it it's weird it's strange but do you I mean the writers are working when you see them on these junkets too oh yeah that's um public speaking's terrifying for anyone let alone someone who's just just been thrown in this whirlpool well particularly because I was doing the first round of publicity while I was still working at the Australian and then so if you picture it I'm at every writer's festival and people love this book and then every question at the end is always like why do you work at the Australian and like at this point I mean this is part of the reason why I think I blew up my job at the Australian later on at a UTS thing but like I'd been limbering up for a year telling people the kind of mechanics in my head about how I got by there and why I was still there but every time every month I was going should I still be there yeah yeah uh it was just very strange and that's right you um you were detonated you stitched up well no no people think I was and I made a joke so I got invited to do this journalism talk at UTS in um just in May 2019 and I'd just come back from I'd been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder I'd gone on the election campaign following Scotty Morrison around for a week or eight days like every fucking city you can imagine should I be swearing is that okay yeah I thought that would be okay and then I'd gone you know I got back and I drove back to Canberra um from Sydney had a night in my own bed drove back to Sydney Writers' Festival back to Canberra and then back again for this UTS gig and so I'm fucking shattered yeah and then the kids it's the middle of an election campaign and these journalism kids just asked me point blank they're like do you think the Australian's coverage has been biased in this election campaign and there's like a phone on a tripod directly in front of me and I see it and I know that you know this might get out but I've just been on the trail I've just been on the trail and I'm like do you know what I can't why I can't do that to these poor little innocent kids I'm molding minds here so I went for it so what was it like when you came into work the next morning like you just kind of woke up and you're like well well well so funnily enough I was so I was in Sydney so I went into the I was working at apartment house at the time for work but I went into the Sydney head office the Thursday after um I think it was a Thursday and then I went about my day but I had to drive back to Canberra that afternoon so I left at about 5 p.m and I just got back into the parliament house office maybe I left like three because I got back in there like six or something like that and I got a call from a managing editor who's a lovely woman who wasn't she's not the managing editor anymore and she's just like Rick we need to talk this is serious and it's like you need to come back to Sydney immediately I'm like I just got back to Canberra and then I said no I'm tucking out yeah I'm like I'm not no that would be dangerous for a start not that I made that ambit claim I was just like I'm not doing it so that started a week of really weird tense discussions that I were delayed until I went back to the Sydney office to have these serious HR meetings really of which I cannot disclose much more he said enough in the UTS seminar one of my colleagues said to me he's like mate because normally what they try to do is get you to sign a non-disclosure agreement and one of my colleagues said to me he's like mate you're one of the rare employees who's done it the other way around he's like you said what you needed to say he's like sign whatever they want it's all in the public record and then obviously we uh get through that election um where Morrison wins yeah did anyone else see that coming I didn't yeah no it was funny how he called him the night watchman for fucking months and then the day that he won someone in his team it definitely wasn't him fucking emailed us like 2 30 in the morning and said who's the fucking night watchman now I bet I know who that was too was it Andrew Carswell well no it just came off his office email oh what I was like there's no way the contents of this email I never yeah yeah yeah it's it's like eight words and then like the foot is like six thousand words that's our vaccination rollout agreement open this email if you agree and then um so that all happens and then you start delving into the NDIS which we'll I want to talk about a bit later but in all of this COVID-19 hits bushfires bushfires into COVID-19 and then you are stuck at home and you've got another book in here yeah yeah and I've got to get it out yeah yeah somehow yeah yeah uh my year of living vulnerable is your new book doing the rounds looks like it's going to do as well as dirt I'm very happy with the response so far yeah yeah yeah great reviews well great reviews and people are buying it which is what I was terrified of you know not that I'm a singer a songwriter but you know second album blues kind of thing yeah that's what it felt like yeah yeah yeah now this is the bounce back and and tell us a little bit about this one because you've done your memoirs yeah we know your story up until well up until the uh the glitter strip it's very embarrassing calling the memoirs isn't it I always you know with the first book I kept telling people it's a family memoir yeah I wanted to tell the story of the Morton family and then people were like oh is this book now is this a sequel I'm like a sequel for like three years after the first one what do you think I did what do you think I did in that time I can tell you what I did nothing I did nothing no I mean like well I did do a few meetings with HR and I signed a contract with means I can't write that book yeah I think that's what they were worried about they thought I was going to be writing a um a tell-all and I'm like what the fuck would I tell like I've got great stories and great anecdotes news flash yeah news corps I'm just I'm just waiting for them to cease being as a business and then I can tell some stuff yeah yeah they'll move into action films and then you can be like well when they were into news I mean they were into swift action in that time as well well you know I wanted to write a book I mean I've always been interested in this kind of general idea of what it's like to live in the world and what makes life worth living you know the things philosophers have been talking about for a very really long time and I felt like weird thinking that I might stray into that territory but I because of the diagnosis of complex PTSD that I got in May 2019 after my first book you know it's defined by like an emotional abuse or a lack of love and so I wanted to write a series it's kind of like you know essays I guess you would call them which I feel weird calling them that as well about the various ways in which you might you know reconsider love in the world and not a romantic love but like beauty and and grace and forgiveness and care care yeah and care and you know however it applies in your life in you you know to yourself like being kind to yourself like I had to do a lot of work on my brain which is a bit of a dick to trying to get it to do the right thing by me yeah but also you know forgiving that seven-year-old boy you know my earlier version of myself who endured all this horrific stuff after my brother had been burned and so I just wanted to write like this kind of intersection of nerdy things about life you know science philosophy bit of personal essay bit of reporting yeah and just do some weird shit and and and it's kind of plays in a little bit to you know your previous book you also I guess you published another one in between those ones about money which is like a large essay an extended essay about you know what money does psychologically to you whether you're poor or rich I actually think that's my best writing and I don't like my writing at all about money well yeah yes on money on money yeah on money I like that I like the the grittiness I'm about money it's like Hugh Grant stars in about money do you have a fiver there's no black people in Notting Hill terribly awkward isn't it Notting Hill Carnival how many people look like Hugh Grant at the Notting Hill Carnival see this is why you should leave it all in this is the best stuff but you know so they're all kind of thematically connected these books like the first one is really about poverty in class and love letter to my mum who's just like you know someone called her a drought foal like she's just this short tiny woman who was born in a time of scarcity who just survived someone else called her a thorn-off shotgun which I think is more appropriate as well steel magnolia she's diminutive but powerful as hell and then you know money was a kind of like I'd been thinking about now that I'd come into some money as an adult nothing that erases the structural circumstances I'm in like if I could lose a job tomorrow and I'd be straight back to where I was but it was enough that in the moment I felt you know I'd time to kind of catch up on what I'd been doing with my money which was not good but because I never had it so I'm just like I just don't treat it as a real thing and then and then yeah this book vulnerability is much more about the kind of the inner stuff but it was the stuff I really wanted to write like I love reading books like that yeah and mostly and I'm not saying I achieved this but I read other books to underline good writing yeah to like you know find those amazing sentences that just pull you in and so I was writing a book where I hoped I could do that you spent COVID in a really kind of awful circumstances I guess you could say and you just you know you're kind of coming down from from all your success as an author yes there's always a crash oh yeah and then you've got this diagnosis and you're living with a mate you know in the suburbs and then he's a COVID nurse so you I lock in you really had a lockdown yeah because like his sister my best mate was pregnant at the time and so he's like every time I get a COVID patient I'm not seeing anyone for 14 days he's like I'm just taking it extra cautious and I'm like well I guess I am too now and like I love him like I adore him and we had a really weird intense four month it was like a brother to me right growing up he's a bit a little bit younger than me not by much and I've known him since he was 16 and we just had a very intense lock-in and it was so strange but it was also weird because like you had all these you know when he did have COVID patients we couldn't hug each other yeah and it was the one thing that I had that others who lived alone didn't was like yeah and gets hugs still I fucking love hugs yeah and then couldn't and it was just like so strange and also like nurses can party like I've never met people more willing to wreck their bodies yeah and can back up absolutely just imagine being hung over at work as a nurse I mean just on just on your feet for 17 hours just walking around particularly when you have to wear all that equipment now to lift things and turn people over in their ICU they're like here's an ICU and I'm so I'm I didn't write a single word for four months I had this book deal that I was meant to deliver in March last year and I didn't write a thing it's your party that just reminds me of the um of the nurses in Alice Springs are probably listening to this but they took us out after the turf club last week at Northern Territory Cattlemen's Association had a great time went out with the nurses and I think they really uh they left us shell shocked there was a lot of shania yeah yeah we got out there as quick as we could on that one honestly those planes have never flown so fast a bit of fun praying for a tailwind yeah you lost touch and that's an interesting thing you write about particularly in an era where we're talking about boundaries yeah um you've got to you tackled the idea of touching how important it is for people well it's it's the first thing that you sense when you're in the womb and it's you know I didn't know this until I started researching it but you know it always appealed to me as a notion because I thought you know that was the thing I think that sent me mad in my 20s that I had like shut everyone out and refused to touch even my best friends and I became like this kind of I don't know like zombie who wasn't allowed to be near people self-inflicted and then I started doing all this research about the romanian orphanages you know Nikolai Cetescu the dictator made all these women have all these babies for the country but then made them work so they had to put the babies into institutions and the severe lack of touch in those environments didn't just have like mental effects it had physical effects like they were shorter they didn't grow they had gastrointestinal problems and they were fed and they were they were fed a nutritionally balanced diet so it wasn't something you could attribute to food or other nourishment yeah nourishment it was all down to this they weren't cared for in a nurturing physical environment like they were lucky to be held for about two minutes every day because there just weren't enough staff yeah and like you know the the harvard research I mean no one knew about this until like 1989 1990 and the harvard researchers went in there and they've been there ever since basically studying what happens it's the world's longest running experiment in real life on this kind of deprivation and there were some babies the the head of the researcher said research said there were some babies that didn't smile couldn't smile and never did really like never had never never had and they they kind of and the babies know this and jess hill writes about this in her own book see what you made me do about babies who are in domestic violence situations where they learn that it's it's haunting because they don't cry yeah they learn that if you make noise or whatnot then other things start becoming stressful so they just sit there yeah and that's kind of what you do when you excise love in all these different forms and touch and i'd done that in my 20s and it was maddening yeah maddening that kind of all plays into the stuff you're writing on the ndis and and and in into the you know obviously there's a conversations of money that you've you've written about and class you've written about but also um you know this idea of love and care and touch and how that all plays into the can you tell us what's going on there it looks like there's something big happening no one can really explain what's happening to the ndis john malaney would say something hinky's going on yeah um so look i mean the coalition has always been very nervy about the ndis as as a ideological proposition because it's it's as its legislators uncapped it's meant to provide whatever support people need based on their needs so if you need something you get it they've never quite liked it but they've never really had a lot of power to change it because they need the agreement of all the states and territories until we get this one case which the ndis loses in a tribunal and then the federal court which a woman with really complex disabilities and chronic health problems who cannot achieve sexual release on her own wins a case to get a sex therapist or a sex worker once a month one person wins one case the ndis blows its lid stewart roberts robert who's the minister evangelical christian i'm sure i don't need to tell you boys that furious furious and it becomes the perfect trojan horse because he gets on radio and says prostitutes prostitutes prostitutes prostitutes a million times and it's it's an easy sell for people in the community to be like well why are the taxpayers paying for this but this woman i mean i mean it's human right when you think about it and it wasn't it's not like everyone was getting sex workers funded but what he's done now has you know internally and we've got leaked copies of this legislation redrafted the entire rules for the ndis that give him unilateral power to ban whatever he wants he's no longer the minister but it gives the federal government minister the commonwealth minister they can write a rule which only has to get through the senate to completely change the you know what the scheme will will not do and the states and territories who fund half of it have no say if this passes the parliament that's the future all right so this hasn't passed yet this is what they want to do so do you reckon that cabinet reshuffle was probably a good thing for the ndis it's the best hope they've got you know obviously i talked to a lot of disability advocates and linda reynolds so linda reynolds is an interesting character in and of herself she's a bit of a tough nut but obviously has a reputation to rehabilitate after her handling of the britney higgins yeah alleged rape and i know for a fact that she's already been in touch with key disability advocates and i know that this would be an easy win for her to be like you know what i wasn't the minister when this stuff happened because frankly whatever your views on the ndis and there is a strong view that in elements it does need to be reformed and i think that's true but not the way they're doing it because what they're doing they're talking about consistency right because some people have been getting really big plans and some people get almost nothing with the same similar circumstances but i got a leaked memo from them yesterday and it literally says this will prevent people with you know an ability to advocate for themselves more educated people from achieving these goals and it'll bring it down to what other people are getting so they're not equalizing for the people who are missing out they're equalizing to bring everyone else down to the people at the level who didn't get what they needed yeah yeah which is not the solution no it goes against the whole idea of it well it does it literally if all this stuff were to get through it wouldn't be the national disability insurance scheme it wouldn't be an insurance scheme it would be a welfare scheme yeah and that wasn't the point so linda reynolds you know if i was her and i'm sure she would love me for my gratuitous advice but if i was her i would say i wasn't the minister i didn't approve these changes i want to i'm going to reset it yeah and we will push it up beyond the election and deal with it that might happen with the new uh immigration minister too with those kids in billa wheeler like just bring them home and it's one decision yeah yeah like honestly like i mean my sister was a midwife in billa wheeler and that that community loves that family yeah like loves them and they are the only people currently in offshore detention yeah in this country it's insane it's cost so much yeah and like it's cost so far 130 million dollars this whole thing and what what really gets me about this like is that like these people will stay in australia yeah and so will all of the other asylum seekers they are doing this too in the community who they cut their funding and they you know intermittently get medicare access but otherwise they don't they're staying here they are citizens for one of a better term and we have absolutely fucked them yeah like they are traumatized beyond belief and like so even if you don't have a heart for all of these other things socially yeah um it makes perfect sense to make sure that we give them a welcome yeah for sure because what's going to happen is one of these girls might end up you know not becoming the golden child you know asylum seeker that you know you you only ever hear about and everyone will be like see we told you so you know and then it just perpetuates yeah it's not like uh you know it has anything to do with these kids spending most of their infancy behind like on a sweltering tropical island no i mean i mean that ironically that's exactly what complex PTSD is like you get these kind of traumas and it's the same as sexual assault uh the the output in terms of the body and how you react is the same and so we are ensuring um that this stuff bleeds into our welfare system into our other service system the state governments will pick up the tab and it doesn't have to be like that yeah and it doesn't have to be like that with our own citizens either i mean we've got proof that we can change some of these things i mean the productivity commission did a big report about mental health and they it was across government and they said that a lot of the mental health problems are due to poverty um but the government thinks that dealing with mental health is you just give another you know 10 million bucks to an awareness campaign through the department of health and then you're done talk about it heaps yeah yeah let's talk about it amongst yourselves though yeah don't come to us it's like it's like your dad going don't come running to me when you break a leg okay uh mom well you're doing some great stuff here rick as i said before the pride of the channel country thank you for joining us on the batura advocate podcast and uh everyone get out there and get this new book and get the other books you haven't read look and make sure you buy it from your independent bookseller independent booksellers don't buy it from amazon no please please don't buy from amazon um i mean they're the best thank you for not mentioning the um the incident the batura races when i was five well he's still wanted man he's a mock man he uh what are you lost what was it a little barney with some other kids yeah i was getting bullied a bit and i threw a beer bottle at him and then glassed him in unintentionally and then went and hit in a field of patty melons so just knowing you're in so much trouble and all the parents are pissed yeah i mean i went and hit in the field no one's been looking for me i mean just imagine if that was your kid and you're shitfaced at the races middle of the simpson desert it's like how do i solve this problem yeah i don't want to like i just don't come running away with your problem it's like i'm gonna take this fucking kid to quilting what the fuck am i gonna do i can tell you how they would respond there's this one great before i go sorry you need to go no no no um like i think it was after um it might have been a rodeo at the um arabanga pub and my dad was trying to get the pram into the back of the car and he's like deborah it won't fold and then she like looks at the pram and i'm in it and she's like that's because your fucking son's in there so i don't think that kid was getting medical attention oh that's good rick morton thank you for joining us thank you boys that was great you |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_ep_02_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Focus on Ability shares the stories of people with disability finding work with Nova Employment. An RSL welcomed me with open arms. That to me speaks louder than words can. That's really, really good for me to go on RSL to accept me like I'm part of their family. These are the stories that help businesses focus on ability.
In national news, we could have another leadership spill on our hands. Peter Dutton, the current Home Affairs Minister, has divided his soul into seven Horcruxes this week as he announced plans to make a move on the liberal leadership at some point in the future. As outlined in popular Anglo-Celtic folklore, a Horcrux is an object in which a dark wizard, or witch, will hide a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining political immortality. With polls sliding and political commentators gearing for yet another leadership spill, it's believed that the former Brisbane cop, also man who boycotted the national apology to the Stolen Generation and advocate for white South African farmers, is backing himself as a champion of Australian purity in a bid to take over from Malcolm Turnbull. One of our readers, Mitch Lees, commented on the story, tipping us off that Dutton has also divided his soul so he can appear on Sky News, 2GB and Sunrise simultaneously. Dutton aside, it's been a quiet week in politics, with Labor's victory in the Batman by-election pretty much the only other thing anyone's spoken about.
After the Greens lost, their leader, Richard Di Natale, has confirmed that even he doesn't know who votes for the Greens. When asked where he thinks the last bastion of Greens voters remains, the Senator responded with few answers. Di Natale said, Fuck's me.
UniCity Melbourne is the soy capital of Australia. We're going to fall back to Tasmania and recruit. Back in town, and the advocate caught up with a couple of first-year uni students this week who couldn't believe how loose they were for having a beer at lunch. Just look at me, said the fresh-faced uni student. Feeling buoyed by his new no-holds-barred attitude towards his studies, Hosking was even open to the idea of possibly having a few post-class bevies back at the uni bar before making the arduous train journey back to his parents' display home on the city fringe.
In other local news, a man has spoken to the Batuda Advocate about the instant regret he felt after washing his hair this week. Sam Chen said, We didn't have the answers, unfortunately, but Bob Smith, one of our readers from Perth, has left a comment on the story informing us that people can avoid this problem by washing their hair with dishwashing liquid. In music news, pop icon and much-loved musician Ed Sheeran has been in the country this week. Ahead of his second sold-out show in Brisbane at Suncorp Stadium a couple of days ago, the English pop star was spotted jamming a sneaky green turtle into the iconic Where's the Gold poker machine at the Broncos Leagues Club in Red Hill. It's believed that Sheeran was bored shitless in the rainy weather, and felt the need to have a cheeky slap over a few jars while his security detail smoked durries on the deck. After the session, Sheeran offered a scathing review of one of the nation's most popular poker machines.
Fuck Where's the Gold. Shitless features.
In sporting news, and there's a bit of a fucking vibe in Newy right now, after two on the trot, the Steel City of Newcastle is almost back to 1997 levels of excitement, as their boys in blue and red look like they might have a bit of a hum on. The spokespeople from the Steelworks and Newcastle port have confirmed that, in tribute to the two-game streak, their PA systems will be playing non-stop screaming jets and silver chair until the boys get knocked over. One construction worker said, We've been playing frog stomp all day. Our foreman can't stop dancing.
Finally, a report has confirmed that every bloke wearing high vis north of Rocky nearly got a start with the Cowboys. It's believed that just under 110,000 young men have trained with the cows, without really signing any contracts, so it would be hard to find if you looked it up on the internet. The report found that nearly 90.9% of all men wearing high vis, who have been living above the Capricorn line since before 1992, nearly got the call-up to play for the Cowboys. And most had a run in a few trial matches. Kane Frampton wrote in with his story saying that, So that's the week that was in the Batutah Advocate.
Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Great listeners are great learners, right? Well, hear this.
Zucal has the cheapest textbooks with up to 70% off. You can even rent them. With a lowest price guarantee and free delivery for orders over 50 bucks, the only question is, what are you waiting for? Apart from the end of your podcast. From Shakespeare to marketing to essay writing to video production and everything in between, check out Zucal. Use the code ZucalPodcast for five bucks off. Zucal.com.au Our foreman can't stop dancing.
Finally, a report has confirmed that every bloke wearing high vis north of Rocky nearly got a start with the Cowboys. It's believed that just under 110,000 young men have trained with the cows without really signing any contracts. So it would be hard to find if you looked it up on the internet. The report found that nearly 90.9% of all men wearing high vis who have been living above the Capricorn line since before 1992 nearly got the call up to play for the Cowboys.
And most had a run in a few trial matches. Kane Frampton wrote in with his story saying that They couldn't handle me sidestep mate. I had a target on my back. I had blokes hanging off me dead set. Couple of front rowers landed on me knee and that was that. End of an era. So that's the week that was in the Batutah Advocate.
Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Great listeners are great learners, right? Well, hear this.
Zucal has the cheapest textbooks with up to 70% off. You can even rent them. With a lowest price guarantee and free delivery for orders over 50 bucks the only question is, what are you waiting for? Apart from the end of your podcast. From Shakespeare to marketing to essay writing to video production and everything in between check out Zucal. Use the code ZucalPodcast for 5 bucks off. Zucal.com.au |
dropout | hardly_working_step_dad | Hey mister, no lunch, no lunch? Yeah, my mom forgot to pack it for me today, so... Your mom?
Oh, I had to move back home because I couldn't afford rent this month. You know all those fat cats in City Hall? Canock, canock, honey, I home.
Um, guys, this is my stepdad. He tries way too hard with me and he's really way too young for my mom. Whoa, geese rollers, stepdad, that was my father's name, okay?
You can call me Chris or C-Snap because I love to snap. Oh, he's so lame. Chris, what do you want? Someone forgot their sack lunch that their mom made them at home, liverwurst and sardine casserole, which is gross, which is why I took the liberty of stopping by Lieutenant Cheese Winkle's eatery and picking up this extra-lunch cheese pizza. Whoa, you said that is so cool! Whoops, slow down, not enough pizza there for everybody. That's why I picked up two extra-lunch cheese pizzas. Thanks, C-Snap, you're like the coolest stepdad ever. Pat is so lucky.
Yeah, I gotta go. Wait, Pat, where are you going? I have to go buy tickets for this U2 concert.
It's kind of a big deal. I wouldn't worry about that. I'll take care of it.
Ohh! Yes!
Guys, terrible news. I just got my blood worked back from the clinic. It's not good. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
I'm C-Snap by the way. Hey, C-Snap. I think I have the solution to your problem. Really?
No, Dan, don't listen to him, okay. He's just gonna get you a pizza. It's what he does. That hurts, Patrick. Your friend Dan is sick. I would never just get him a pizza, but I would get him these five extra large cheese pizza.
Oh! Sea snap! Hey, you there. If I were you, I'd look down right now. Yup, you did it. Sea snap, sea snap, sea stop it!
Stop trying to be like my dad, Chris. You will never give out as many pizzas as he did.
You think I don't know that, Pat. I'm sorry that I wanted my stepson to think that I'm cool, but in this crazy, mixed up, fun house mirror we call the 21st century, you talk to Hilary Duff more than you talk to me. But I do know one thing of my son. See, that's the one thing I wanted to hear. I love you too, sea s... Dad. You know. What? You dumb bitch.
I'll get home when I wanna get home. Keep talking, you'll get a free ride in the ambulance. |
dropout | sniff_test | Welcome to the College Humor podcast. My name is Sam Reich and I am joined today by.
Rekha Shankar. And. Raphael Cheste. Not to mention.
Mike Shabak. Mike Shabak, who are you?
Who am I? That's a good question and a question that I continue to ask myself.
But before you do. If you're watching this on CH2, I'm glad. But you can watch it a whole week sooner by subscribing to Dropout. So please do.
If you do, you can come chat with us on the exclusive Dropout Discord. You can even chat with Mike.
Which brings me back to, who are you? What's that website again, Sam?
Dropout.tv.
Get there. Get there now. Get there.
Sam, you ask a good question because I'm not on camera very often. I'm behind the camera. I'm a behind the scenes guy. So you all know me. But they might not know me. So I'm Mike Shabak and I'm a director here.
Wow. At College Humor. Wow.
I've had many hats here. But this is the one that I have right now. What sort of stuff have you directed? Just to give them some context.
I've directed, oh the famed Grant. How tall is Grant? Is Grant Keith from Buzzfeed.
I directed of Rekha's sketches. The sketch about Rekha not being able to swim. I think I directed your very first written sketch which is I'm Black Not Poor. What a great sketch.
Did you do that? Uh-huh. Yeah.
I think that was the first time we ever worked together. Yeah, that was the first one that I wrote so low. The first one we did together was my first sketch here which was Please Make Fun of Me.
That's right. Oh wow. You've heard it here first. Mike Shabak has directed Five Things. You also, forgive me if you mentioned this, you directed Total Forgiveness which just premiered. Which just premiered today which was really awesome. Gotta watch that. You got to, it's good. Oh my goodness, so good. You got to.
Yes, you all had to experience it and we appreciate your time and patience. Thank you for that. No problem. In a way it was way harder for everyone who wasn't Grant. Absolutely.
Yeah, we didn't get money. No, we didn't. Of course I didn't either so. You didn't get money? No.
You gave Brad for money? I mean, don't give Brad money. He wrapped his own to do with that.
That's true, he really doesn't. Closed mouths don't get money. You know the saying. Raps business book. Closed mouths don't get money.
That's for the Tang gang. The Tang gang knows what I'm talking about. Listen. It's the Tang gang. The Tang gang is a channel on Discord that's one person long.
It's Raph, constantly going, anybody up in here? That's what I'm talking to himself.
He's the only person allowed in the channel. He didn't want people to slander him. It's very exclusive. It's a super exclusive channel.
Oh God, I am so creating that. He's the same. It's sticking it up with this episode of the podcast. I don't mean to put Raph on the spot, but I feel like there is a story that the Tang gangers want to know.
I thought that we were gonna get out of it. I know. Absolutely not. No, we were going just fine. Why do you wanna throw this in there? Okay, okay.
Is this a Tang gang story? No, I can't. No, no, this is for the Tang gang or is that fair? Or this is for the Tang gang.
Okay, so recently, oh, sorry. It's okay. I'm so sorry.
Did you kick that? No, I didn't. Then why did you apologize?
Tang gang.
Yeah, okay. Okay. Because open apologies get money. That's it. Okay, go on, Raph, sorry.
Okay, so recently, I live in Los Angeles and there was a. California? Yes, yeah, the one in California. It's actually where we are now in Los Angeles.
But so I had an issue with our septic tank. Someone just, one of our producers just told me that there are no septic tanks in Los Angeles, but it was the only one is in Raph's house. It was a sewer problem where the sewer water was being backed up into my tub and toilet.
Like it was bubbling up, like I could hear it when I was on the couch in the living room and I hear blub, blub, blub, oh, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. So then, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little. Raph thought it was a text message, but then he knew that was crazy. That kind of phone makes that noise. It is, a text address. It was like the shape of water. You weren't actually like, serious.
It was hot.
You weren't actually seeing anything in the tub. No, not at first.
I was just hearing it while I was watching Discord. No, I was watching Dropout on Roku. You can download it on Roku.
Raph has no idea what site he works for, what he does for a living.
Anyway. You were catching up on Dropout. You would just hear it. Yeah, and I heard it. So then I went into the bathroom and maybe I was a little, maybe my heart rate had raised a little bit. Sure.
But scared, I don't know why people keep saying that. No, no. You said that. Who said that? Nobody said that.
Okay, good. You were scared. All right, that's good.
Raph's always scared. So anyway, I go into the bathroom and yeah, it's water that's coming in and it has poop in it and this poop is not mine.
And Raph knows that for a fact. I do. Upon sight. I know it for a fact.
I would never make that. This is things that I would never eat. I don't even know what that was.
Can I stop? Can I just, moment of clarification. If you have to. I thought it was pretty clear.
When you say that there's poop in the water. Yes. Are we just talking about brown water? Poop in the water.
That sounds like a M. Night Shyamalan. It all, it all, it all comes back.
No, I have, no. We were the poopos. No.
No, Raph has a picture. I have a picture. I know, I can't, they told me I can't show pictures on.
We'll look at it and then we'll describe it. We'll just look at it and describe it.
Well, hold on, cause I don't know what other pictures on. But so anyway. Whoa. I mean, just to be safe, better be safe to start.
But anyway, no, it's not, it doesn't, it didn't, it wasn't like all brown at first. At first it was just chunks and then, but you know, mostly water. And sometime overnight that changed.
Now why did I go to sleep with this still happening? Because it was the third time it's happened.
Sure. So naturally I'm tired of the problem and I want to ignore it. Yeah, totally. Honestly, yeah. Yeah, right? So I get it.
Everyone knows the rule is three times, do nothing.
We did that sketch, me and Grant, the thing of this is just my life now. That's exactly what this was. This is just my life now. I just got pooped in my tub, whatever, okay? This is my life now.
So you went to bed. Yeah, I went to bed. I took pictures and I went to bed because I'm like, I'm tired of just happening. So then I go to bed angry.
This is the moment in the horror movie where like the music begins and there's a slow zoom toward the bathroom. Yeah. And then there's like a close up of you looking all comfortable. And it's still bubbling. And then zoom on a poop chunk. Blubblubla.
But then, so in the middle of the night, I got up and I went to the bathroom and it was, the floor was wet and the toilet, brown, it looked like mud. Like at that point, it didn't look like water at all. And it's overflowing into the, onto the floor. Now I didn't walk into the floor to see how full the tub was, but the tub was also full because afterwards, the next morning when they drained it out, you could see where the shit line had stopped in the tub. Like a cup of coffee that you've been drinking for like five hours.
You can just see the rings of the tree. The rings of the tree!
The shit is 12 years old! Yeah! So what time in the morning is this? This was, I don't know, like five or something.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I went back to bed. And then I woke up. Wait a minute, again, you went back to bed. Yeah, I did.
I'm sorry.
Did you do anything to stop the poop from coming out of the bathroom? Did you like do like a line of towels or anything like that? I put a towel down. Like one square feet tall. I don't have that many towels to waste. Yeah. So I just, I put one down. Rob, false! You get new towels.
I throw them away though. Oh, okay. I throw them away.
You've told me you like to get new towels. I do do this. Aww. Towels, listen to me. But here's why. I'm gonna tell you something, okay? Listen up everybody. Yeah. Okay. So what you need is towels. Sorry, sorry. You need towels and bed sheets to impress a woman. I'm telling you, it's the one thing. It's a small thing, but it goes a long way. You overestimate the types of men we're encountering. Oh, Shaba. He should have sheets and towels. Yeah, he should. What happens if you walk into a place and it doesn't have, they only have one pair of set of bed sheets and only one towel. Yeah, I agree. Thank you.
I have met men whose mattresses are on the floor. Marie is like frowning at them. We watch shirts as pillows. We play the guitar as a living.
So we have to, I have to, yes, I think you're right that that is nice. I think it's very funny that that's your like, okay. You're just saying it's low on the list. Yeah. You're right, you're right. I'm not a man who lived in his van. I see, you're right.
The van man.
He had lots of bed sheets. And lots of towels. But all of them in context. They're all in a van. No place to shower, but he had plenty of towels. Yes. Tons of towels. From the YMCA.
I love the van man story. Oh, it's sad. Like one could say, say, Raph, like, you know, your towel game is great, but your anecdote game. As far as like, long stories about shit in your apartment.
It's good, sir. No, so the rings. We were talking about the rings. Yeah. Yeah, so there's, so let me tell you something.
The first two times that this happened, I called right away. And my landlord sent a guy out. The first time my landlord called the guy, and the guy called me, the plumber called me and was like, hey, is this an emergency?
And I was, he knew what the situation was. It was shit backed up. And he was like, is this an emergency? I was like, well, it's not overflow. Yeah, right. The right answer is probably yes. That would be my definition of an emergency, sure. But it wasn't overflowing at the point.
And he was like, okay, well, I'll come by tomorrow. And I'm like, well, I'll be at work tomorrow. I don't know when you're gonna come.
And you do need to use your bathroom. It's actually a really good lesson. And I do need to, yeah, right.
It's always an emergency when it comes to where you, just say it's an emergency, because he has like a million calls. Just always say it's an emergency.
Yeah, so he came out, and then he just did like the snake. But as if it was a clog, as if it was a clog. But I'm telling you, it's not a clog. The water's backing up into, it's not like it's dug.
He thought I pooped in my tub. That's what he thought. Oh, he's giving you that. Oh, you pooped in your toilet. What's that? That's like a benefit of the doubt. The toilet is right there. What's a U-poop? Oh, damn. He's like, oh, but he's like, damn, another dude pooped in his own tub. It's clog. He's like, this is a plumber in LA. This guy has seen some shit. That shit, you know.
Literally.
Yeah, like, problems. Pun, fully intended. Jesus. Yeah, but that's what he must have concluded. Yeah. So anyway, that, of course, was not the case. And it happened again.
And this time they sent out real people who came out to look at the main line because it was not only my apartment, but another apartment was affected by it as well. Wow, that's a great twist. So then- Two apartments. And my chamalaya. Yeah. There's two apartments. It was two apartments, though. Two apartments worth of shit, the whole, you kept thinking it was one person's shit, but it's really two apartments.
But then, so I called my landlord for this most recent time when everything was overflowing, it was a disaster. And he was like, okay, yeah, the people are already out there and we'll talk about a cleanup situation. And I was like, yes, I'm definitely gonna need somebody to clean up.
Please do that. Yeah. I go to, I come here to work where I work. And then- In Hollywood, California. Yeah. And then I go home, which is where I go after work. Right. And then- That's where you live. Yeah.
And it was still there. Like, the water, everything- Did your heart sink? It had not gotten worse. It was this, yes, it did sink. Yeah. Did you think that he was gonna clean it? Yeah, I was hoping.
Yeah, okay, so no. Especially because I left the key with the neighbor because they were gonna be home. He was like, leave the key with the neighbor.
So I thought that somebody, but so I cleaned it up because otherwise I would have had to have waited in there. I know. Like, at least the full 24 hours. And you went and you bought cleaning supplies. I bought all new cleaning supplies and throw it out, like, it was one use. I just did it just for that.
And I don't mean to drive home a point, but when you said this story, you were like, it was, I don't know if you're exact. This is where I told him to shut up.
Because he's like, this was thick. I mean, thick. He goes, you wanna see a picture? Like, three C's thick. Like, thick ass, like fucking like damn fleshy clothes. The water's thick?
Yeah, the water was- The water's like a turkey gravy. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh, gravy's sick, man.
I'm sitting in my office and Raph's telling some horrible story out here. It's this story. I don't know that it's this story.
And I hear Rekha say very loudly, what was it? You simply, you simply must shut up. You simply must shut up.
Because it was so graphic. And like, I don't mind poop stories right over. You were just like, it was chunky. It was thick. It was layers of it. It was so thick.
This shit wouldn't come out. Does anyone wanna see a picture? No!
So your apartment's, it's better now? Yeah, it's better now. The resolution, this story has a happy ending? Yeah, it's better now than I told her.
I was just gonna take it out of the rent. So how much are you gonna take out? I said $40. I think you gotta do like $100 to $150. But make it a specific amount so it doesn't look like random. Yeah, like $150. $128.
Oh yeah, right. That's good, you know what I'm saying? Oh!
Like you called a cleaner and asked how much it would cost to do that. And I have receipts to show, like, you know. And then hopefully they don't watch this podcast. Yeah. You know what you could do? You could just get someone to clean your bathroom now like a really expensive cleaner. You! I mean, but then you would still pay them. It doesn't make sense.
Have them clean the whole apartment and then just. Oh, clean the other apartment too.
Yeah. There it is. Are you still with us? Hope so.
That's for the Tang Gang. Yeah, that's strictly for the Tang Gang. Hashtag your spots, that's right, Tang Gang. If you wanna hear more about this story, go to the new Discord channel, the Tang Gang channel, where you will not be able to interact.
It will just be Raf talking to himself. It's like Facebook when it first started, very exclusive. Yeah. Facebook, people don't know this. It was Mark Zuckerberg. You know what I'm talking to himself. It's true. But it's always poop stories. The Chang Tang channel is just Raf and Mark Zuckerberg. This is the suit, cat it up. It's the most exclusive social media platform there is.
I love this so hard. I will be there watching on the day that this gets released and you create that channel. I will be there watching Raf talk to himself.
On the Tang Gang.
So much money.
Doesn't matter, it's okay. Do we wanna read this sketch? Is that what we wanna do next? Sure. All right.
So we are going to read a rejected sketch. This one comes from our very own Rekha. Rekha, do you wanna introduce this to us at all? Okay, this sketch is called Secret Meat.
So you can all just pass it down. I did this dumb way in terms of passing this to you.
So yeah, this was a sketch I pitched because I'm a vegetarian, long time veg. Hello everyone, go to the VegHeads channel. And I find it very annoying that as a vegetarian, like meat eaters sneak meat into a bunch of shit that is supposed to be vegetarian. Like you have a pasta and I gotta be a fucking investigative reporter and be like, is there meat in this sauce?
And they're like, oh yeah. Like, what are you doing? Stop.
Or fish is really the biggest secret meat that people try to fuck with. You're like, I'm gonna get veggie noodles with vegetables or whatever. And they're like, oh, but there's oyster sauce. You're like, cool, could you not put oyster sauce? And they're like, no, it's impossible. Do you ever get people saying like, oh, just pork? As if it's like, well, yeah, that's a meat. People say that about chicken and fish. They'll be like, I have to say I'm a vegetarian, no fish. Which to me sounds like saying, Bless you.
Yeah, like I live in Los Angeles, California. Where Los Angeles is.
It's just like, yeah, being a vegetarian means you don't eat meat. Fish are animals. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't eat bugs. I don't eat meat. What are you talking about?
So I think that's stupid. And I think, I'm sorry, but I do think vegetarians that do eat fish and don't call them such pescatarians are trying to get away with something. And I think it's dangerous and it hurts me. So.
Rekha sees you everybody. And I do see you.
So don't get at me on the VegHeads channel. But I find it very annoying that you have to like check stupid stuff like that.
And even as a dessert lover, I'm a dessert lover, you used to gotta check with like gelatin. I love dessert guys, if you don't know. Is there honestly like meat and desserts that you have to look out for? Animal products and gelatin specifically. Gelatin, lard.
Oh, sure. That didn't occur to me.
Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. Sneaky lard, get out of there.
Lard and like pies? Is that what you're finding? Yeah, like crust, like you know, and tamales and stuff like that. Lard sneaks in, yeah, you get gelatin and all sorts of weird stuff. You ever see a pretty mirror glaze on the Great British Bake Off?
Sure. You know how much gelatin's in that? Oh, for sure.
I can't eat that. I don't wish to. Those egg lazes. So no shiny, no shiny desserts for you. No shiny ones. That's why I don't like those like fruit tarts that have like the shiny shit on top.
Those look like plastic. Yeah, they look bad. But that's supposed to be how they look.
Paul Hollywood actually commented, your fruit tart is like naked. Because you didn't put this like disgusting looking glaze on it.
Oh. Okay.
Spoken like a true carnivore ball. Rekha, by the way, is an excellent chef. And oftentimes we'll cook things or bake things for us and bring them into the office.
And let me tell you, there's no fucking lard or fish in any of that. You don't have to worry with me. There's none of that shit in there.
I take care of you. No sneaks. I take care of you.
That's why I stick to salty foods. Every person who likes savory food has to talk about it. Like, it's like, they're like pride and joy. Oh, I actually like savory food. No one cares. Sure, totally. Everybody likes savory food. We all eat meals.
Okay. Anyway. Would you like cheese? I'm all directed to you, by the way. That was my...
I'll say it's very weird. I think that meat is going to go out of fashion in the next 25 years. I genuinely do. You heard it here first. It will definitely be less fascinating. I do run to lie. You heard it here first. Meat is out. It's like the next thing.
It's like the next thing we'll look back on and be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe we did that. I can't believe we were eating meat.
Yeah.
I'm ready to be ashamed.
Literally. In 10 years. Sam, you are fucked. I'm like, mm, this porter has steak. That's a typical treat. Yeah. You have all these yearbook photos of you in high school with a bunch of burgers. You'll rue the day. Okay. True.
Anyway, this is called Secret Meat and we didn't make it. So I will... Why not? Why didn't we make it?
Well, we're going to talk about that at the end of this case. Yes. We'll talk about it after. I couldn't say. I will be me. Okay. Bold. Yes. Raft, you want to do stage? Yes. Sam, you want to do deep throat? Yes. And... I'll listen politely. Okay. Shabak. Because I think that's it.
And you're a director, so you can give me directorial feedback. I will give you directorial feedback after.
I guess so impossible to make. Tell us what you would have done.
Yeah. Oh, perfect. I love that. This is excellent. Okay, great. Secret Meat, interior lounge area day. Very quickly, any direction for deep throat? Just like deep. Got it. I see why you cast me. Yeah. Go on. Light, jazzy beat.
Rekha sees a buffet table. All items are labeled. We see a sign that says vegetarian and points to a bunch of vegetarian food that is also labeled. Salad, veggie, burgers, et cetera. Ooh, my vegetarian paradise. She picks a veggie burger up.
Are you sure? Don't you know that burgers got Worcester sauce in it? And where there's Worcester, there's anchovy. What?
She holds up a scoop of beans. What about these beans, huh? Beans are literally a vegetable. A vegetable laced with pork. Secret Meat. She puts the beans there. Is this whole world meat?
I'm not at liberty to say. Rekha goes to the snacks area of the table. She wants to challenge the voice.
Oh, no, just me? Just me.
Rekha's confused. Psych, chicken fat. What?
She lifts up a juice. This juice? How do you pronounce this?
Cock-a-neel?
Cochineel? Cochineel.
What? It's a food dye. So? She waits. Made of beetles. Damn it. Secret Meat.
She tosses the juice down. Rekha's side.
As deep throat lists items, we see flashes of those items cross-dissolving on screen like horrific visions. The items are literally grotesque fish bladders in beer, beef fat in detergent, et cetera. Silly Rekha, your whole world is meat. From the bladders in your beer and the tallow in your detergent to the fat in your plastic bags and the bacon in every single dessert you've ever had in 2016.
Every single one? Every single one.
Meat is hidden everywhere, Rekha. Rekha whips her head around the room to various items.
Thud. A bag of chips that just reads meat. Thud. A loaf of bread that's labeled meat. Thud.
A cake that has candles on it that spell out meat. Your world is just different vessels, shapes, and forms of meat. And you? Why, you're just a hungry, stupid bag of meat.
No, no, no, it can't be. Rekha drives through her knees begging. There has to be something that doesn't have meat in it. Well, if you look hard enough, if you read your labels, if you ask the right questions, you will always be able to find amazing, animal-free dining. Don't give up.
Really? Yeah, but it'll probably be laced with beaver anus or some shit. Yeah. Like out. This is great. Yeah. Tell that to the room. Wow.
I thought it was very, I remember distinctly saying that I know several people who would very much relate to this. Wow, I guess we should greenlight us. So is that what this segment is? You have the green lighting pack. I did, my goodness. I like the idea that this segment of the podcast is where people come to like re-pitch things. So what do we think, boys? I think Ralph's right. It is very relatable.
Yeah, it's great. And all those things are true. Yeah. Right, yeah.
You know what I really like about it is the rhythm of it, you know? It's like musical with repetition. We would need to get a little acapella choir to go, secret meat. Absolutely. Hire an acapella choir to whisper.
But you have to invite Katie. Because if you don't get Katie in it, she'll be okay. Why?
Because she loves to, she keeps talking about singing. Oh, she wants to do more singing?
Yeah. She's at the wrong fucking job. Oh my god. Grant, too.
She applied to all the singing jobs. All the greats. She filled out a packet for the singing jobs. All the great singing original content companies there are out there. Yes, I will get Katie as an acapella artist for this.
Camera's moving. I mean, that camera's never stopping.
We're on a super on Dolly's. We're flying into you.
Yes, I've got coattails, yes. Sparkles, everything. Yes, a top hat.
And secret meat is just a person.
It's just like a voice in the air. And I think that you're kind of searching for it. It's just kind of out there, and maybe you're hearing it from different directions. Maybe we even play with that in post where we pan the audio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that kind of thing. Make it very immersive for the audience. Ooh.
I like it. I dig it.
Lighting-wise, what are you thinking? Oh, I think, I mean, look, I think you could play with that, right? I think you could do lighting gags so that when that voice starts to come in, because there's hope, right?
When you find the new piece, like, I can eat that. That's something that I can eat. Everything's bright and beautiful, and then it gets dark and moody, and like, oh, that food is also shut out for us.
So this is a very sexy sketch I'm hearing. This has a lot of sex, and it's a drip to it. Yeah, sexy. You wrote it in there, I mean, it's a moist sketch. Yeah, there's some juice in here. You click this, there's some juice coming out on your keyboard, yeah?
But I would say this. The most important part would be crafty of the day, and all the crafty on this day would be all true vegetarian food. Oh, oh, cool, fuck yeah, everybody come to set on this one day. That's a joke. Vegetarians get considered. I want to be very clear about this. This is a gimmick. Absolutely right. This is niche.
This is a one-time thing. And you'll never do it again. No, I appreciate that, that would be great. The next day, it's all a short jittery. Yes, one side story.
I mean, I know we just kind of sung the praises of the sketch, so I am kind of veering away from that, but I was on set once in college, on a film set for student film, and the AD was vegetarian, and he was funding it. He was funding his friend's film, so he bought all vegetarian food for lunch, and it was like a huge Indian food spread. That's awesome. And the lighting department, this is where I thought of the word like, oh, these are like total like butt-crack gaffers that are like very manly and very like...
Toxic. Toxic, yes.
And they walked because there was no meat.
Whoa. They walked off that and sent to a diner and ordered burgers and beers. Double B's. That's crazy. And they charged it to the AD. Whoa. Is crazy.
Then the BGs, butt-crack gaffers, they came back, and then I saw one of them take the communal, like there was like a two liter bottle of Sprite or something on Crafty. He took it and he drank out of it. Directly from it.
You know what's crazy? Right now, they are all dead from heart disease. Isn't that wild? Isn't it crazy?
Every single one. And they're purging the Twitters.
That's good.
So great, I guess, wow, there were no notes on this. We'll just make it. Why do you think it didn't get...
What were the notes at the time? The notes at the time, I remember it being like I needed more examples because I remember doing a lot of research for this. And I remember it being like, it needed to pick up, but like I think this revision did those notes.
So like, it beats me. I mean, Raf, you were in the room. Why did you reject it? I don't know, why wasn't it like, well, at the time you kept telling me that I must shut up.
Sipley. You, Rabbi, are you Sipley must shut up? You, Sipley, are you Sipley must?
Great, thanks for reading that, guys. It is really good. It's really good.
I think maybe we should do it. Yeah, I don't see any cost prohibitive elements to it. I think we could definitely do it. I think, too, thematically, it's a lot like the Manly whiskey that we did.
With Luke Scholl and, you know, that off-camera like sort of realization and, yeah. Those who watch this podcast will just get a preview of the future.
Yeah, you heard a table read of College Humor's new big fat sketch. The biggest, fattest sketch to hit the channel. Fat Greek sketch.
Now comes the time in the show. Oh, should we do questions or game? Let's do the game. Okay.
This is crazy. I can't believe that this would be true. But Raph claims to have a special skill. And that special skill is identifying people based on scent alone. Beautiful. How is that possible? That's a secret power.
Well, specifically cast members. Specifically cast members.
I do, like, not anybody in the world. Only special people. Like, I wouldn't be. It's people that you know well. Yeah.
The people that you smelled a lot. I mean, like, I was smelling. To make it a little less weird. It's just people you smelled a lot.
Yeah. But yes, I do believe. I mean, Katie, I will say this. So this is what I would say. I was telling one of our producers that I could identify cast members just, yeah, solely based off of scent. But specifically Katie, Allie, Grant, and Rekha, and Sam. Really? Yeah, you have a, yes.
You wear. You do have a scent. You wear a fragrance. You do have a scent. It's true. You and Allie wear a specific, you don't wear the same fragrance, but it's a fragrance.
Oh, and Jess. And Jess. I could identify Jess. We both smelled Jess earlier today.
We did. I just, I learned that today. Oh, baseline? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Raph, you also have a scent.
And I know this because I get rides home with people a lot. Is this gonna ruin things? That's not. Okay, I get rides home with people a lot because I don't have a car.
And so I know what everybody's car smells like. You smell like a black ice air freshener. Is that the type of air freshener you have? No. I don't know whose car that was. That is, I would never have a black ice air freshener.
Or strawberry, strawberry. You have the strawberry one. I do have, yeah, I usually get strawberry. I always get strawberry.
Oh, sorry to whoever that was. I wasn't that offended. I'm so impressed by all of this. I bet it was Grant. You smell like someone.
How dare you?
Who has black ice? Maybe it's Ally, because. It might be. Yeah, it has like a, it's more of a, it's definitely a masculine scent. A lot to unpack there. First of all, I'm sure people are curious why you don't have a car. But. To talk more about this. So we've presented a challenge to you, but we're all gonna play this game, which is we have here hoodies. Yes.
That have been worn at length by College Humor cast members. During the grossest of circumstances. Unwashed. Yes, we had them run 10 miles. Not actually. They all cleaned Raph's bathroom while they were wearing these.
With our hoodies. The question is, can you identify the cast member from the hoodie?
Now we're all gonna play. I don't know if I'll have any natural talent at this. I'm eager to try.
I feel like. I definitely don't. I feel like we should hold our opinion.
Yes. Until Raph says. Until Raph guesses. And so that's final answer. Yeah, okay. So you're not going off of. To Raph. Yes. Anything that we're saying. Raph, you have to do this. Final answer. Totally. You have to say final answer. So.
And only people who have Discord and Dropout will be able to see what we're doing. And hop on that Discord. Hop on, I'm telling you. This is gonna be wild. There is a channel called the Tang Gang.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No inspecting. So we just.
You sniff the bag. You just bury our nose in the bag. Wait, does that yellow card say the name? On the inside.
Oh, perfect. Oh, okay, yeah. So we can, okay.
Before we begin this, I just wanna admit to everybody that I have a terrible sense of smell. I grew up with asthma and I had an albuterol inhaler. And so for my formative years, I had the inability to smell. But now that I don't have asthma, I can smell everything. I just don't know what I'm smelling. So my smells are more.
I tie them to emotion. I tie them to years, memories, and that kind of thing. So I'll smell this and I'll just tell you. 1984. When Raph has guessed, I'll tell you what it reminds me of a shirt in my life.
Oh, that's very sweet. Okay. Got it. Okay. This looks good, at least.
You're gonna miss this. If you don't have dropout, damn.
Honestly, you know. Okay, I got that one. This is the weirdest. Now I have to see what that feeling that would attribute to. Let's what? You know, Raph.
No, he's got a smell. I'm not saying anything. Oh, damn. Wait, are you guys letting us know who participated in this? Like, who's? No. Or not. And I can't smell all of them before I do. Oh.
Oh, yeah, because they're comparing and contrasting. No, I think if this is a real superpower, you should be able to just do it right off the bat. Yeah, Clark Kent doesn't need to do whatever. Yeah, he's here. Whatever the comparison is. Whatever Clark Kent does, he doesn't have to do that.
I love it. I love that you're comparing me to Superman. Notes of cherry. Mm. They build the bag like that so that you can smell it when you drink it. I'll be ashamed of this. Sam, you're kind of guiding me with that by saying that because now something's kind of popping in my head. It's a little tricky. Oh, wow.
There's two people that I think that could belong to. Okay, I have a guess. Okay, go on. Talk about Raph. Wait, shouldn't Raph, I mean, Raph is the one with his claim. Should he guess first? I'm holding my guess. I should guess first. That's right.
Are you gonna check? No, I'm gonna wait. What's your process here?
What did you smell? What I smelled, it smells like laundry detergent, but I'm basically just comparing it with the other smells that are locked away in my brain. This is a real science book. This is one that I haven't actually smelled on a gas member before. This is a new smell. He's a memory fella.
And Trapp and Brennan are the only ones who I would say don't have like a distinct. So my first inclination would be to say that it's either Trapp or Brennan, but it could also be Jess.
I know that it is not Allie. It's not Sam. It's not Katie. It's not Rekha.
Wow. Rekha smells like ass. Don't read into that at all. No, no, no. Rekha smells like baby oil. That's what Rekha smells like.
You said what I smell like. It's not even taught me this before. You said it was black ice. You said I could smell like black ice. Although I will say there's a Key and Feel sketch for that guy. That is my favorite. It's one of my favorite sketches. Oh my God. You say I smell like black.
Okay, we have six of these. Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I will say that that one is, I'll just say that it's Trapp, but it could either be Trapp, Brennan, or Jess. That one could either be Trapp, Brennan, or Jess, but I will say, oh Rekha, final answer. Is that right? Trapp. So Raph's reasoning actually made me wanna change my mind, but my initial answer was Katie, because- Oh, damn, I shouldn't have give you so many clues.
I'll just jump in on my coattails. Once again. Shut up. This guy does not get green lit now. I'll say Katie, I don't care.
I'm gonna say Jess, final answer. Okay, that's a good guess. I liked Brennan or Trapp, because it reminded me of sort of a musty basement where you play video games. Yeah. I thought it smelled- And so I will say, you said Trapp? Yeah, I said Trapp. I'll say Brennan. Okay. The answer is Jess. You got it! Well, guess the amateur becomes the expert. Well, I was right, because I did say- The smell becomes the odor. It was either Jess, Trapp, or Brennan. Okay.
No, you're right. Actually, you were correct. No, no, I was wrong.
I landed on Trapp. You thought it was Jess? But Jess was an option, right? I did think it was Jess. When you said Trapp, I hovered for a second or datted myself for a moment, but my first guess was Jess.
Yeah, that was- This is incredible. Yeah, Jess, that was a good guess. I'm just going to keep it going when I get into it. This is really incredible. Yeah, it was right there. So, Raph, as an expert, what are you sort of looking for when you sniff? This is a great game.
I wanna do this with celebrities. Oh, yeah. Like, hmm, hmm, I'm getting Benedict Cumberbatch. Cate Blanche, yeah. You seem pretty- Hey, man, I started off mad. You seem pretty confident, though. Yeah, I'm good. I had a few sniffs on that one. Yeah.
I mean, I'll tell you right- Yeah, tell us. Well, tell us what you smelled first. Wait, don't tell us now, because then it will affect what I smell.
Oh, right away I can see this is a dropout hoodie, not a college humor hoodie, is that true? It is a new hoodie.
Oh! I cannot confirm, Nord and I, what well goes on it. I will say, this one has a stronger scent than the last one. Raph, would you agree with that? No. But what? I don't have your superpower.
What? What is it? It's mad right now. What is happening?
Okay, Raph, go. Okay, I'm gonna go with Trav again, but that one is either Trav or Brennan. I was also going to guess Trav. It's either Trav or Brennan, I'll just land with, because I'm gonna go, because now- What did it smell like? For all of the ones that I'm undecided on, I'm just gonna say Trav. Okay, I think it's Brennan, final answer. That's a good guess. I think it's Trav, final answer. I'll say Brennan.
Either of those are good. Yeah, somebody's right here. As the president, you should be able to- Of course. It's Trav.
Yeah! Wow! I can't believe this is so- Smell my boss! It's everyone's favorite new CBS show.
In the game of just Raph's superpower, that's your one and one. One win, one loss. But the other one, I really- We got one Trav, one Raff, one Trav. Let's see, here's the other thing. Here's the other thing, is that people could throw me off.
They could have, you know, washed it in a different- Yeah, yeah, yeah. New detergent.
So I'm battling against that right now. A boyfriend war, a girlfriend war.
Who knows? You have sex? I'm really curious about all of them. Should I just keep it going? It's just so into that. Or do you wanna just do one at a time?
That one's easy. It does feel intimate. That one's easy. I got that one easily.
Well, let's let Rekha and then- Can you tell me what you smell? I'm very curious about this. Yeah, you have to talk about the notes. Because I- If I tell you what I smell, then you'll get it instantly, because I already said what it is.
He's gonna say baby oil and it's me. Is it Rekha, is it baby oil?
It is. Hold on, we have to wait until we have to wait. It is. That's my prediction. This doesn't smell like anything. Oh.
Hey, I was already gonna say Rekha, but you gave yourself away. I mean, everyone knows that you got- I also knew it. It's absolutely Rekha. I was gonna say Rekha anyway. What do you think? Rekha. I was gonna say that. Rekha, yes, it's Rekha.
And we're all right.
I don't know, I don't know. What do you think?
I think it's very possible that it's me. It's Rekha! Of course it is. I knew it was Rekha.
Wow, you just really can't smell it. That's incredible. That's mortified. That was great. And do you smell something? It just smells like baby oil. It's just exactly what you said before is exactly what I was gonna say. That is fantastic. Oh my god. That is my favorite moment. That was, yeah, that was great. This doesn't smell like anything. That was excellent. That was so telling.
About us all.
You take a huge fucking fart and you're like, this doesn't smell like anything. I don't smell it.
I'm crying. Oh. Oh, god. Oh, fuck. This is just burgers. Oh, my god. Oh, man.
All right, we're gonna have to save some. I gotta get out of my office more. You guys have fun. I gotta smell my big voice.
Oh, my god. See, here's another one that is tricky. Because it smells, honestly, I would've said that this one was jazz, but it's not, obviously. So. Whoa. That one. It stinks. Oh, fuck. It stinks.
And remember, people knew what. Oh, I didn't know who this is.
Because he can't say my answer, right? That's the rule. What if your answer's right? Because you said you earlier.
I also think it's Katie. I thought it was Katie. It has to be Katie. I'm gonna say Brennan.
Wow. Holy smokes. This is a big one. Raph is alone on this one.
It's Katie. I don't believe it. Okay, so two and two. No, they fooled me. And I actually. Katie fooled me. That is not it. Katie, this is exactly what Katie smells like. No, it's not. I have been in Katie's car.
This is what she smells like. It's interesting that. She would be mortified to hear this, but that's what she smells like. Yeah, she's the one with the most distinct that our cars would be like. Everybody's car and their house, that all smells the same. That's so interesting.
Yeah. This is five? Yeah. Okay. So what's the score? I have a theory on this one. This is. We're going to go over.
Oh my God. After that, Katie upset. Raphael. Chestang has lost his cool podcast. It's ever been recorded. Period. God, I'm sweating.
This is my favorite game. This is a good game.
This is not fair with who's 57. I'm off now. I'm my, my, my game.
You can't let that happen.
This is your flu game, you know? How do you know about the flu game?
That didn't happen privately. It happened to the whole country. What do you mean? It's actually because I held a Michael Jordan themed show once and I had to study him.
Oh, cool. This one. Okay. Oh, cool.
Can I ask a question? Is it at all possible that one of these is rap? No. I'll tell you that right now. It's not. So rap. I have an idea.
Let me, can I assist you for just a second? Cause I know you're a little nervous right now. Okay, go ahead. You're two and two, you're 50%, which is great batting average for a baseball player, but you're not a baseball player. You can deduct here, right?
So who's left? That's what I'm, that's all I'm gonna say to you. Who's left? Well, yeah, I mean.
Brennan's left, right? Yeah, Brennan is left, Grant is left. I mean, it's either Brennan or Grant is what I think.
Whoa! Oh. And Sam, you're in the mix. I don't think Sam is actually. Or are you? No, don't tell. Oh, there's a, that's right. There's like, there could be a mystery. I think this is rap. I'm not. That gives me an advantage over every one of them. What do you think rap? Okay. I mean, I'm not aware that I'm in the mix. So if someone stole a hoodie from me to do this, then that's creepy.
I'm gonna go with Grant. I also think it's Grant. I think it's Grant. I'm gonna say Brennan.
Okay. Just to be. That's also a good guess. This is gonna be interesting. Are we keeping score? Yeah. He's two and two, I mean. And I'm doing pretty well. Yeah.
Come on, let's go. Everyone kinda has to keep their own score. Come on, Grant.
But I think you'll let me down like always.
It's Brennan. Yeah. Brennan! And here's why. I know it's either Brennan or Grant. Here's why. We should do a lot. No, it's not. We still have one more left. Here's why I got this one. Yeah. I spend a lot of time with him.
It could be Allie. You're right. I don't know who's in the cast. There's two more left. Oh, it's Allie. It's Allie.
Oh, it's Allie or Grant. Or Grant. Grant.
Got it. Or a mystery. Anyway, I have to say that I spend a lot of time with Brennan. Yeah. Because we make Dimension 20 together and it's a really long show and he is in that dome just sweating it out. Yeah.
And so I know what he smells like. What's the smell? Wait, we need to talk about the notes. Honestly, Brennan, for me, it's just a really friendly, very sweet, like a nice cousin smell. That's what he smells like to me.
You're like a sibling kind of thing. I got like a little peppery thing going on. There's a little pepper. That's why it's like, oh.
It was either gonna be Brennan or Grant. Who's left? Allie and Grant.
I know this one. Oh, no fair. You've been on Total Forgiveness. You know about their smells.
Oh, yeah. I got this one. Yeah. That is easy.
Oh, wait. There's a big pasta sauce. All right, so I'm gonna end 50. I'm gonna end 50 for 50%. I was about to say 50 for 50. Wait, hold on.
Because right now you're two wins, three losses. This will be three wins. We all know who he losses.
Just say what I say.
It's Allie. It's absolutely Allie. 100%. Yeah, it's 100% Allie. It's Allie. Why do we think it's Allie?
Because it's got a musky, cologie smell.
Yes, baby! That's, I mean, the incredible thing about this is how well we actually all did at the game. Yeah, I never said that you guys couldn't do it. No, that's right. So you're just saying your skill is something everyone has. Yeah. It's something that everybody can put in the special skills section of their essay. Anybody can shoot a basketball. Yeah. I'm just saying.
Can you do it during a flu game? When the pressure's on.
I never would have guessed. How fun. I had any competency in that department. Same. I mean, especially. Look at this. Now I'm smelling everyone. What?
Raft of the worst. Well, Raft of the worst.
Good, good, good. Okay.
I did no way. The worst. Raft of the worst. The scores are easy. You did the worst. I did the worst.
I want to thank our production team. Because, oh, four, four, four, three. But y'all copied off of me.
Huh? All right, dang, dang, get after him. All right.
I can't believe this. There's no way I should have scored any points, Raft. Raft is clearly upset with these results.
We're going to take it to the Tang Gang channel. Again, you will not be able to participate in that channel. We'll see you there. This will be Raft raging on his own.
Yeah. Quietly watching. Oh my god.
So guys, every week on Discord, we get questions from the audience. And some of them seem more fun to answer here on the podcast. So I'm going to ask some questions with the remaining time that we have left. And whoever's got an answer to this question, please, by all means, tell us the story. First, kind of a cerebral comedy question, but one that I think we can all relate to.
What would you say are some of the biggest pitfalls to avoid when writing or creating comedy? Pitfalls, I mean, the biggest one would be punching down.
Yeah. Or it's to me. Sorry, by the way, this question comes from Morfool Drew. Great question, Morfool. Great question.
I agree with Raft. This is a good one.
Punching down. People don't realize they're doing it.
Yeah. And then, but they are. So I think we should, why don't you, let's tell them what that means. Because I think that's sort of an inside term. If you're making fun of someone that's like lower status or like a disenfranchised group or, yeah, somebody that's a group or entity that's been lower status or has been downtrodden. Yeah. Even punching across at times can feel a little. Sure, yeah. Like something that I know we talk about sometimes is like, is making fun of celebrities okay? Or like, how famous does someone have to be before it's hot? Right.
And what is okay to make fun of about this? Mental health generally, no, don't. But they just had something fucked up or whatever. That was their choice. You can make fun of people's choices.
We're talking specifically about Kanye. That is the Kanye debate. That's specifically, yeah, the Kanye debate.
Because he has something going on and then he also says very fucked up things and what do we do? Right, right. And if he's kind of sort of losing it, is it punching it down? Is it okay? Yeah, why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a big one. That's a great question.
I have a less serious answer, which is just like, I really hate comedies that are like two people talking on screen and you're supposed to be charmed by their dialogue's really funny and it's all improvised and whatever the fuck kind of thing. I feel like, why is that not a radio play? Why am I watching this? I think visual stuff, it's not necessarily a pitfall, but just I think it can make something that's kind of boring to watch way more interesting to think about the visuals.
Sure, totally. What about you?
I would say, because I'm not a writer here, I'm a director here, but I would say that when you're approaching, especially something that somebody else wrote, which is what I do here, try not to let your own personal stamp get too much in the way. Really read what's on the page and be the advocate for the writer when it comes to the visuals. If you feel like you're a director, that's an auteur and you have a certain look, that look just might not always be right for the sketch or the comedy piece that you're directing. Really read the words and really get inside the mind of the writer, talk to the writer, and try not to just be too forceful with anything visually and when you're directing, be sensitive to the fact that, especially if the writer's in it, they know best, they know what they want and follow their lead. A part of directing is getting out of the way and just sort of letting it happen.
So I'd say, yeah, just... Pass the buck. Yeah, really read the words on the page. Really put yourself into that piece. Totally.
I think one common pitfall I see very early on, especially if folks have been writing for the theater a lot, is that scripts or lines of dialogue will tend to be very long, like five or six or seven lines per person, which just isn't how people talk. People talk in short snippets, they interrupt each other a lot, except right now, what I'm doing. I'm so sorry. There's actually a term for this in theater, which is to sound really, really snobbish and pretentious. It's called stichomethasem, and it's this idea of one short line after the other, which can be really great for comedy. Yes. It also works well for pacing, because you want it to move along and it could snap it. Yes, I would say from an, I used to do video editing stuff, too, and people would just like, I would watch stuff, I'm like, why are you still on this take? This line ended like three seconds ago. Cut away. Oh my God. Make it shorter. You're speaking right to my audience. Call you darlings. Yeah, there was a moment where I reached out to the post team early on in college humor history and I was like, these L cuts and J cuts, stop it. Just cut to the person who's speaking, please.
I have no idea what an L cut is. I don't know either, guys.
It basically means when the camera is lingering on one person after they've stopped talking and the other person's talking. You just relap the audio of the next person. Or it's the opposite. It's when you cut to someone ahead of a line being.
Right, yeah. Okay, got it.
What's the worst location you had to shoot on and why? Oh God, Woodland Hills on the hottest day in Woodland Hills history this summer. We were shooting a show called Down Beat.
Yes. Oh my God. I would hear the date after that. It was 115 degrees. That was hell. Was it 115? Yeah, it was like deadly. I don't know how you guys did. It was bad.
No, no, no. I was there the day after. Yeah, you were there the day after.
We were all talking about it. The day before the hottest day, I had kids on set in the same location. And thankfully, because I probably just would have called the whole thing off or we would have had to bring an insider or whatever. But yeah, heat here in LA in the summertime, boof.
People don't realize by and large how uncomfortable shooting can be sometimes. Like we have to shoot, especially the issue of temperature. Like shooting in front of lights is often too hot. Shooting exteriors, especially in New York, is often too cold.
Yeah.
Is this question about college immersion in particular or shoots ever? Shoots ever. An incredible question.
We shot one scene for Plum, which was inside a gym. And we booked the gym, but we didn't book the gym next door.
Right. And next door.
Oh God, basketball. There was an all day basketball tournament.
I was looking at it like, what would be the nightmare? That's a nightmare.
Almost impossible, not only to capture audio, but also to hear ourselves as we were talking to each other. Like the audio was that bad. And Bo Sundberg, who is a sound person on many, many of our shoots, he came up to me at the end of the day and said, I want you to know in my entire career, I have never had a day this hard.
Wow. And guess what? We didn't ADR it. Wow.
Bo's work was so good. Oh nice. What episode is that? That we were able to mix it in such a way that we were able to use the sound from the day. What app was it? That would have been episode four. There you go. Well, episode two and four, or three and four, it was the dodge ball scene and the prom scene. Check it out. Kudos to Bo. Raph, you got one? I mean, the only one that comes to mind immediately has actually elements of both of these was the Thanksgiving bomb thing, the minesweeper. Oh yeah. The conversational amines one.
Because earlier that day, we had shot the dad's grunting one, which Millhiser and Avery were so funny. That was hard to get through because it was so funny. And Millhiser kept going into, you know, you do dad's noises like, argh! But then he kept going into, ah!
Anyway, the whole time though, there's like a recycling facility or something like that next to it. And we're shooting outdoors in the backyard. So every couple of minutes you hear, ching, ching, ching, ching, just like a truck bagging up or like people throwing glass, like glass shattering and stuff like that. So the noise was an issue. And then later on that day, we did the Thanksgiving one where I'm in that bomb, whatever thing, which is hot just to be in. It was a hot day and the AC was off because, yeah, so not to mess with the sound. And so that was super hot. And also the recycling kept going.
And then there is, I don't know if I should say this. We didn't all, we weren't all able to get our lines.
So I guess I made it super, super long. Yeah, it just made it super, super long.
So that sketch turned out great. Yeah, that was a great sketch. I appreciate it. Ryan did a really great job. Ryan and Cooper did a really great job with that, with the look of it and everything. And everybody in it was great. Great.
We'll leave it at that.
So this is specifically regarding the location. Because my war shoot didn't have to do with the location. It was more just like the environment, which is kind of related to location.
So I'll talk about it. Okay, great. It was a sketch with Mariah Carey and it was for. Another, another. Some, bleep, bleep this. A different comedy company that makes sketches for a platform that does not exist that's name was titled after Flipping Your Phone. What could you positively be talking about?
Anyway, so, yeah, it was with Mariah Carey and everyone on set was super, super nice, except Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey. She's Mariah Carey.
Yeah, and like that itself is kind of like a little storm. Hell yeah. We as extras had to arrive at two and I remember this because lunch had ended and the leftovers were left out and I was like, ooh, lunch. And it was all like bad, like salad and stuff. It's like, it's okay.
We're only here for like, we were supposed to get out by 6.30 because we were truly just in the background for like a second. And they guaranteed we'd get out because a lot of people on that shoot were UCB and had a show that same day. And so I was like, it's okay, it's four hours, whatever. We're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting.
They're shooting coverage, Mariah arrives and then like, she like wants to shoot immediately or something, something where they had to flip the world to shoot her. Then she's like, she shoots a little bit and she goes, I'm tired, I wanna lie down in a bed. So then they have to flip the world back while she's resting. And then she's resting in a room that has like a queen-size bed in it.
And quickly saying what flipping the world is. Oh yeah, like, so if the cameras are facing this way to film us and then we need to talk to four bizarro versions of ourself that are over there, you would have to rotate all the cameras and flip all the lights to point that way. So it's filming the other half of like the coverage which is like an intensive process because just because you lit this half of the room does not mean you can just like turn the light around. Like that half looks different.
The window is over there. The window's not here, whatever.
So it takes time and to do it for not a logical reason for like a- A nap. Yeah, it's like very bizarre and annoying but they did it of course.
And then she takes her rest. We were told not to look at her or speak to her and her room, I did peek into it. I saw it had just a bunch of empty vitamin waters because she was on a cleanse. I'm like, well, of course she needs to rest. She's not eating anything.
Yeah, vitamin water is just sugar water. This is for bugs, it's bad.
That's your opinion. I mean, that's a- Oh, it's a legend. That is my opinion. It's a legend.
It tastes good, actually. I used to drink it at my old job. I like the triple X flavor. It tastes like Kool-Aid.
Not because it is Kool-Aid. It's not Kool-Aid. It has a lot of vitamins and electrolytes in it. So if you're dehydrated, okay. So it's very good. And is this slander?
It doesn't matter because it's live. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's live.
Anyway, she was twine and it was a perfect shoot. The end of it, it just- Oh, about it right. What time did you get out of there? It's not quite out of there.
Kerry, not at all. And it happened. Yeah, no, not in the least.
Anyway, so she then felt rested and she went up and they had to flip the world back. They shot her out. They still hadn't finished filming those people. So then when she left, they flipped it again and they fell out. Those people, it was nine o'clock. We still hadn't been shot.
You were supposed to have been wrapped. Yes. People were leaving because they were like, I have to go do my show. This woman put lipstick on me and people who have been to Sephora will understand. I asked, because they ordered pizza for us because it's going so late. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna just eat. And she goes, no, you can't eat because of the lip I applied. And I was like, what? No one's ever said that before. I am going to feed myself, thank you. This was a type of lip pencil that they very kindly give you at makeup stores on the month of your birthday that is this small and they give it to you for fucking free.
This is not some lip pencil she found on the mountaintops that she excavated. Yeah, of Nepal. And she had to get secret clearance to go find.
I was like, what the fuck, I have this at home. What the fuck are you talking about? You had a birthday and got this for free, shut up. So I hid a bunch of pizza and I ate it privately on a different floor.
Fantastic. So anyway, that was the first shoot I've ever been on. That's great. I love that the answers are hot day, backyard gym, Mariah Carey, fantastic. I'm sorry, I took so much time. I love it.
Very quickly, going to answer one more question because it is a super quick answer, I think we can all agree, was just rewatching breaking news and it got me wondering, who is the biggest giggly bitch of the bunch? In other words, who loses their shit and makes y'all start over the most? I bet Katie has the best poker face out of everyone. This comes from Teddy and the answer is three, two, one. Grant is the biggest giggly bitch. And what's funny is he didn't always lose when he was on but yes, he is infectious in every way when it comes to giggling. It's crazy. This has been the College Humor Podcast one more time. I'm Sam Reich.
Rekha Shankar. Ravial Chetstai.
Mike Shaba. Mike, thanks for joining us. See you next time and again, watch it first and chat with us on Discord by subscribing to Dropout.
Bye-bye. Bye. |
dropout | just_a_phase | Greetings travelers. Hello and welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a queer discussion podcast. I'm joined today by three lovely guests.
Today we think is episode seven. Maybe some of you watched the last episode and you're like, Ali, you're holding seven candles then also and I'm here to let you know that I have a lot of things on my plate right now.
Okay. So yeah, maybe I got the count wrong. All right. So leave it in the comments.
I mean, you have to do that. Like if you didn't do that, people would hate it. So people would hate it. And I needed to let them know I knew I knew that I was bad.
Um, if you're watching this online on YouTube, know that it is available a week earlier on dropout where you can also join our dropout discord and chat with us. Discord is a service. Uh, it's pretty much like a chat room and there's a whole chat room for Tales from the Closet people.
And I love it. It's lovely. Yeah. So low in there and talk about gay stuff. Yes. It's beautiful, you know, and you know, and that's great. There's some things in the works.
I want to start some sort of a pen pal worldwide situation. So hop into dropout and hop into discord and hop into a new Chevy. No, thank you so much again for joining us. Let's just hop into the guests. Oh, boo. What if I say hop 20 more times? I do.
Uh, who are you? Where are you from? What do you do? Which one of us are you talking to?
Hi, I'm a Grant O'Brien. Uh, I'm a cis bisexual male. Uh, and, um, this is my like third time on the show.
So people know basically what they're, what they're getting here. Um, uh, do I need to say more? I'll vamp while you put your candles away. Do I tell stories now or do you like to circle back with those? I just want to get a feeling for who you are. Sure.
Um, well, what did you listen to on the way in today? Uh, on the way in today, I listened to a different podcast on a different podcast network.
Um, and I don't know if I can, was it a competitor? I don't think so.
NPR news desk. It was, it was keep it a podcast, uh, about, uh, entertainment, which is great. Um, it's not a Marie Kondo podcast. I give myself into trouble on the show because I, uh, I, I'm very loose with my negative opinions about, uh, popular authors and their books about bullshit tidying up.
I could be talking about anyone. That's not necessarily, you didn't use first last name.
That's right. Um, well, thank you so much for coming back. Thank you for having me. This podcast is a treat. My love. All right. Moving on to a new love.
Hi. Hello.
Uh, my name is Kira, non-binary. My pronouns are they them. I forgot what questions you asked.
Uh, what do you do? What do you like to do? And what do you do?
I'm currently enjoying this right now. I play music, but great artists. I guess you could say, yes, definitely. What did you listen to on the way in silence? Great. I didn't listen to anything. On purpose or because you were so, uh, lost in thought. You know, sometimes it's just nice to start your mornings with nothing and get lost in the thoughts. That's great. I totally agree. Sometimes I talk to myself and I'm like, what am I hiding from? Um, actually in the past I find myself when I have the radio on that I'll put it onto white noise without even noticing that it's there. And I will listen to it for like 20, 30 minutes. Totally. But I find it comforting. Yeah.
Will you listen to like nature sounds in your car or would that be too much of a disconnect? So currently right now my situation is, uh, I don't have an aux cord coming out of the car. So my setup is just a small little speaker with the dongle in the phone.
Yes. You can't get much from it. I was in a bad rental car once and I had a long trip to make. I had to drive from Myrtle Beach to New York and I stopped in a Walmart and I bought computer speakers and duct taped them to the, to the, uh, to the back of the seats. I had surround sound going for the whole drive. That's so loud. How unnerving while driving back right after. Yeah.
Did you return him? He didn't return him.
I don't remember. Keep the receipt. I really should have go through everything in your house and thank it, including the receipt.
All right. Uh, more than, hi, welcome to the show. I'm more thin. I am queer, gay, sexually fluid, depending on what day, uh, um, a comedian and, um, yeah, cool. That's pretty much it. Yeah. What did you listen to? Okay, cool. I'm glad you asked me. Like I usually always listen to, this is Whitney Houston's radio on Spotify.
Oh my God. It's so good.
Cause you like never know which Whitney Houston song you're going to get up top. It's always going to be Whitney Houston.
Not just like the latest artist. No, it's only going to ever be like one artist.
Why is Mariah in this? Get out of here, Mariah.
Wow. How did it, how's blink 182 on here? No, no, but it's always been me and it's so good cause I could just like lip sync while I drive and I'm just like, do you lip sync or do you sing? I both a combination of both, but usually I don't know. It depends, you know? Yeah. Depends what kind of mood I sing. If no one else was in the car and then if other people are in the car, I lip sync. Do you really go for it? Oh yeah. No, I'm like, and everyone's like, everyone's like, what's happening?
And I'm like, yeah, it feels really good in the morning. Like you, it gets you up and going. It's great.
My car doesn't feel like a safe place like that, but obviously it can't. Wait, is your car like people always looking in on it or? No. Why is it your car's safe place?
Well, I mean, it doesn't, you know, it's just, I'm sure that it's nice that you can blast. Oh yeah. You know, this is really, oh yeah. You can't get lost on that. Yeah, it's true. I'm noticing when I put it on the dash where the window is, it gets more sound. I get that too. Is it distracting? No, it's just louder. Oh, that's great. Yeah.
Well, we have a great show for you today. We are going to hop right in. We've had Grant on the show a number of times. It's nice to be here. It's so great to have you back. Anytime I come on the show, I feel like I talk way more about my sexual preferences than any other guests. And I hope that continues today.
Let's see where the conversation goes. Why not? This is a safe space. This, I feel like I wanted this podcast to be like, if someone is in the closet, they can just turn on this podcast. And then it feels like now they're in a room with four other queer people talking frankly about being queer. You know what I mean?
No, there's no like, oh, that's too far or gross. There's no gross. But I get that when I sit and talk with other queer people sometimes like, Hey, that's gross. Don't say that. Don't let them yuck your yum, Grant.
I never do. It never stops me.
This is usually, this is the part of the show where we kind of talk about, uh, coming out. What was it? What, how did you guys come out? What was it like?
Who wants to start? Do you want to go?
I don't think I've ever told my coming out story on this part. Like the first time I ever said to somebody, um, um, I'm bi, uh, I was in college. Uh, I was a freshman in college. Um, and I'd been doing, you know, buy shit for years. I didn't like, I've been really going for it. Um, it was great, but I, I was a freshman in college.
The first time I like said it out loud, we were in a bar. We were in this great bar, um, that I won't say the name of in New York because they were serving us, uh, uh, you know, drinks underage. And I don't think our lawyers like it so much when I start, when I start laying into places that do things that are illegal, but there was a great bar. Uh, and that bar, I believe is still there and it's on second Avenue.
If anyone really, um, but the bathrooms you had to walk out of into like this apartment building that it was inside of and down into the basement. So they had these bathrooms in the middle of nowhere.
Um, and we were 18 gone drunk. Uh, and we had this great friend, Liz, whose last name I won't say, um, who was, uh, uh, very dramatic, um, and got very drunk and liked to like to scream and yell when, when she was drunk.
This sounds like acting school. This is, this is, it was full of actors. You studied acting in college, I know that.
I studied, um, and me and all my other actor friends were, uh, underage drinking at a bar on second Avenue, uh, and ninth street. Uh, and we, so far we know so much about this bar, but I'm not saying what bar, I'm not saying what bar, um, and, uh, Liz was drunk and, and throwing up in the bathroom. Um, and there was that underage drinking thing.
It's like, we all have to help her. Uh, and so it's, so there was people rushing to her aid, uh, and then some of us hanging back in the back, kind of laughing at the whole thing, like, she's fine.
Um, and making jokes and Liz was, was yelling because I don't remember why, but she, uh, the thesis, she had a performance that night. The thesis of the, of the, um, yelling was you men, all you want to do is fuck us. Uh, because Liz was a Tennessee Williams character.
Uh, and, and after that I, I thought of the pithy line and I said, that's not all I want to do. I'm bisexual. Uh, thinking everyone would be like, ha ha ha, what a funny joke. Anyway, back to Liz. And what happened was, ha ha, wait, really? And so, and so I was like, yeah. Uh, do you think in your mind you were like, I've been dying to try this on and let people know who I really am. I was looking for a situation when I could just like, maybe this, maybe they'll think I'm a joke, but then I can say it. I did, I did that all the time telling like, kind of like jokingly, like alluding to maybe being into women. Like, oh, I would marry her. How would you subtly do that? I, it just like, it was always in jokes, same thing, where it's just like, oh, I know what I'll say, ha ha, but then inside you're like, that felt so good to say out loud. Oh my god, that was incredible. I've named myself. That's totally the opposite to being gay and make jokes.
Or the chains, strange to just sit in front of. That's sort of, we're at the end.
Then people are like, great, that's great. And of course, yeah, it's the, the, everyone was, it was a bar full of drunk actors. They were all very supportive.
It was wonderful. Totally. You felt embraced. I did. That's beautiful. Then I slept with some of them.
Anyway, Liz has won an Oscar.
That couldn't be further away from my experience. I came out and then like desert years passed before I kissed someone for the first time. Really? You were out for a long time and then didn't kiss anyone?
I was just like, I know I am gay. You were waiting? The proof I have? None. Did you come out to people? Yes. I came out to my mom. I came out to like everyone around me and then was just like, no, I know that I am gay.
And then, yeah, like years passed. And then I made up with someone on my birthday. She had adult braces. That's so hot. She was great.
What's that like? What's that like kissing? Fun. Kissing in general or kissing fun with braces? Oh yeah. It was more like, I cannot believe I'm kissing a woman.
So the braces were like, we're like an added factor. You're like, forget about the braces.
Yeah. You guys fair. Do you want to go first? Yeah. So, God.
So my mom actually, I'm from the Dominican Republic and my mom owns a salon. So I kind of grew up in a salon with other gay guys.
So I never really had a chance to ever come out. I was just like, you know, prancing around and acting sort of like myself. And like, I never had a, like a real chance to be like, hey, mom, I'm gay. So I never really had that. But my mom, like, I think when I was like 10, she made me like, and, you know, like as a 10 year old, you're like kind of horny. You know, like my mom did like walk in on me, like deep throwing a banana though.
No. No, like as a like a for real thing, but I would do it with like all like, you know, like mangles, too, you know, like put the whole man where you might be like, whole mango. Wow. Okay. But I know no shame. I'm wow. So the whole thing. Yeah. I mean, you know, I live in a tropical island, you know, it's like what started. And I think that I think that's what she was like. Okay. Like she was like, you know, it was like, it was like, it was mortifying.
Like why? But do you remember like what were you consciously like practicing?
No, I was just like, I think, you know, there were other gay guys and like, you know, I maybe had like seen them play around with the like, oh, you know, like I was just like kind of imitating and like she, I remember like her walking in and just me being like, oh, no. Well, it's almost like masturbating, honestly. Yeah. Wish you'd never caught me, by the way, which I'm proud of. Wow. I did a good job with that. Because I didn't, but I just walked around rigidly being like, I don't know how to fix this. Oh, wow. Wait, so that, okay, so I on the flip side of that feel like I had to like, come out and have it be so dramatic, but it feels like it was kind of like effortless. No, it was just like, yeah, because there were so many gay guys around and like, it was like really fun. Because I was like, oh, like, whatever. Yeah, girl. Like, yeah, and I was just like in the back.
Being in the Dominican Republic. How is it being?
Um, well, I was, um, um, it was, it wasn't too bad because I sort of, my mom, like had this big place and like, you know, I was, it was the salon, like I was kind of sheltered and I had a room full of mirrors. Like, you know, you can imagine it was like me times 10, like, you know, just sweeping. Just me. Just dance in front of me. Like, yes, come on. Put your back into it. Um, yeah, so it wasn't really bad.
But when I went outside, it was, I had to act differently. It was, I had like a different persona because I knew that being gay was wrong. And I was like, you need to be manly or like, yeah, it's like when she smoke.
Yeah, my cheese. Yeah, you have to like be like, the voice has to be a little deeper. And you know what I'm saying? Wow. Do you still find yourself doing that?
Um, not as much. Not as much.
But I definitely like, you know, butchered up sometimes, you know what I'm saying? In an Uber. You talk about that on this podcast so much. In a rideshare car, the amount of like straight talk that goes down, like the second you're in the car, and you had chicks tonight.
Oh, yeah, always. Like, I never get that. But every guy is like, that's the straightest place on earth.
People always like, yeah, you know how the girls and I'm like, the girls are great, but I don't like them. The girls are all my friends.
All right, cool. Kira, how'd it go down for you? I want to keep it light. Yeah, I know. You absolutely don't have to.
So my parents actually, it was I was working at a salon like 19, 20 years old. And then I just met this 30 year old that just took my heart.
Really? Yeah, she was probably like, and I think I liked her because she was like the first lesbian that, you know, was just, you know, more what I was looking for. Yeah, totally.
Not to be. No, that's not to be binary, but I know what you're talking about. I feel like I saw so many very butch lesbians growing up and was like, well, that's not really who I picture myself ending up with. I must not be gay.
Exactly. But then when you finally see like your tie, like your tie. You're like, oh, wow. So, yeah, I met this.
I met this person and I would come to L.A. to see them. Like, I would I would go to shows. I would take the train.
I would hope to stay with her 10 years. My senior.
Wow. And broke my heart. She didn't feel the same, but she it kind of felt like she led me on a little bit. I mean, you can't tell. So that was like the first time that I recognized that I had like feelings for like I was attracted to somebody.
And then I told my parents and they're Christian. Yeah, so it wasn't really received well. Totally. So yeah. Oh, was it like was it like a look I feel this way and they were like, no, it was I mean, you know, my mom's from Puerto Rico. My dad's from my dad's has Mexican roots. They're like, there's a lot of shame in being gay. And I just feel like they don't understand it. It's it's better now. But when I came out, it was very much silent treatment in the house. And but I mean, what it what it taught me was like I ended up meeting some of my closest friends that really embraced me. I was like, kind of still teetering with like Christianity a little bit. Yeah.
And those friends in that community just completely like banished me. A lot of ways they were like, not my friend anymore.
They were like, Oh, well, this is, you know, are you sure you want to do this? It's the choice.
You know, like I they brought like a porn analogy. I remember I can't think of it right now. But they're like, you know, I enjoy watching porn. But do I know, you know, like I try to abstain from it. Like trying to kind of mirror that.
I came out to a Christian friend, too. And she was like, it was like around when Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl. That was my ringtone, by the way, as a joke, as a joke, huh? A joke that felt really good. The role comedy plays in like squeaking by as a closeted person is huge. But I remember someone was like, like trying to like analyze the lyrics to I Kissed a Girl, like my Christian friend.
And she was like, kissing is fun, but it doesn't mean like it's natural. Like you get such a like rush from kissing another girl because it's so unnatural.
And you're like addicted to that high. And I just remember being like, wow, maybe that is true. Like maybe I'm just chasing like an unnatural high.
I mean, I knew I was gay since I was like five. And I had a boyfriend and like I went to a Christian high school. I had a boyfriend for two weeks.
His name was his name was Sean. He at lunch, we would like I would sit away from him.
Like, I see you over there. And when we'd hold hands, it felt very unnatural. So these feelings that I felt for this 30 year old was like, sign me up.
Click. Yeah, fully. Yes. And since then. Now you say your the relationship has gotten better with your parents. Silence like a don't say don't. Sure.
Yeah, you know, it's it's like when I bring up partners or anything like, oh, did you did you do that? You know, like, did you see what what was in the pay? You know, like they'll just kind of quick subject something else. So but they're, you know, they're getting better. My dad's kind of he'll ask weird questions to appear hip. Really?
I mean, they're they're trying. Yeah, yeah. At least they're trying. It could be worse.
Like, who's a Mexican? My mom is from the Guavo. And my dad, he's he's like Compton.
So he also has a lot of good. Oh, interesting. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, there is something. There is something adorable to me about parents asking kind of inappropriate questions in an effort to connect to be like to be like, so is your friend. Do you think he's handsome or like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My mom still calls anyone.
I'm dating my friend. No, and I think she doesn't want to like say like, well, maybe they're not boyfriends. Yeah. So it's yeah, but yeah, but I don't know that. She's like, you know, he's not your boyfriend.
I remember one of my family members recently asking me like, oh, so he asked me a very personal question about like, or asked my brother's partner in them, like kind of a sexual question. Like, you know, what happens in the bedroom? And I looked at him and was like, what do you feel comfortable if I asked you that, you know, like, why would you ask that? We're not animals on display. My mom actually asked me that.
I told him, I was like, you know, you can also go to, you know, the what is it, pornhub.com. Yeah. The pornhub.
I've never heard of this. I didn't know porn.
Do your research. You might find something you like.
That feeds into that. You hear it less now, but there's the gay guys get the question. And I imagine gay women also get the question of so who's the man and who's the woman, which is so much about like who sticks what where. And you're like, that's such a very personal and to hopefully always change. Yeah, right. What a sad setup. We're both the man.
What do you mean? Like, it makes it interesting. I cry at paintings is that I don't know. What does that say? Does that inform any of this?
Yeah.
I'll watch a painting and I'll cry about it because it's wonderful. Oh, my god. The world's full of beauty. If we just let it be. Oh, wow. American beauty. Is that from watching a bag kind of toss away in the wind? I just by accident learned the last two minutes of American beauty verbatim not from watching a lot. Like as a monologue?
Yeah, just I can't say it. I can't do it.
He just has it on deck at night. He's like, here we go. I just happened to like put that glasses.
I would like to know one monologue that I can use. At parties. They say that the second before you die. No, absolutely not. Also of all monologues. Yeah. American beauty.
I'll do Kevin Spacey. Should we dig into Kevin Spacey here on this Jokey podcast?
Oh, absolutely. Do we think that'd be great?
I mean, you guys saw that like video that came out. Was it during the Grammys or what? That commercial that came out and he was like, you couldn't tell if he was playing that character. Oh, when he went like his denial video when he did it in character. What a psycho. What a mess. Yes, I did see that video.
This segue is actually perfectly into our haunted phrase. God, does it? No, no, not Kevin Spacey. That's what we're talking about. What's coming out. What if the word was Kevin Spacey? Today's haunted phrase here in this dark dungeon together is the phrase just a phase.
Oh, no. Yeah. Did you ever hear that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I used to think it. I used to. I did a very good job. You know, I came out. Like I said, I came out. I said I was by for the first time when I was 19. I'd probably come out to myself a couple years before that, but I was I was doing shit, you know, well before then. And I did such a good job. I don't ever think I thought like it's just a phase, but I did such a good job of like walling off that part of myself. I spent a lot of time, you know, because I am by like I know I've said this on this podcast before, but I spent a lot of time like sitting analyzing like, am I gay?
And I'm like, no, I really do like women. So I must not be gay. And I won't give that any more thought. Like, yeah, totally. That's that's actually really funny because I have the complete opposite. Like I don't consider myself by but like we're on 18.
I started dating a girl, which was really we did it for like two years and it was really weird. Oh, she's crazy.
And then like, I was like, am I like, I was like, I know I'm not straight, but then I like couldn't watch gay porn. But I was like, I don't know. This is weird. So I was like, I can't date you anymore. I had to like walk out of this because I'd literally think I'm gay, but I never ever ever thought to be by.
Like it was never like it. I remember it being a huge relief when I figured out like, oh, I'm by. Oh, that explains it all. Like just being thrilled.
There wasn't a lot like around growing up about bisexual. You're bi or gay.
Right. Knowledge is power. It really is. It really is helpful. Especially when it's self knowledge.
My therapist is very excited for that. It's nice when those patterns click. Yeah. It's like, oh, that makes sense. It's like, oh, yep. I'm so happy to be here with you guys. This is wonderful.
I love talking to queer people. I hate talking to straight people so much. It's just bad all the time. They wear their like. This turns into a like anti-straight podcast. All right, comrades. Go out there and punch a straight person.
I feel like the just a phase thing kind of go inside with like a hope that I'll have like a normal life or like a normal future. Like, oh, well, maybe I'll like date women and then I'll end up like with a husband who like we can have kids or you know, it's like a lot of and then you just kind of learn. Like you have all the same options with the same sex partner. You know what I mean? Like it's just learning now. Now.
Yeah, I mean, growing up. None of that was, you know, it was like the gay best friend was like always alone and like moon walking into the room and running away like the speed at which that has changed to like in terms of like, you know, the course of history. You know, it's changed in my lifetime. Like, you know, gay marriage exists since I've been an adult.
Totally. You know, people don't. I remember there was another gay guy who it turned out now is like, oh, yeah, of course, he's a gay guy. But he'd compare himself to Jack on Will and Grace a whole bunch because there was no other represented representation of like of like male femininity. Exactly. Yeah, that I see. Yeah, that's why I think I love that show them so much because it was like, oh, my God, he could be so gay and totally be like, okay with it. Okay. Yes. But it's cool that now, you know, like, I mean, I feel like when I saw that I had a lot of shame seeing that because I didn't identify with that. Right.
You know, and like you were saying, when you'd see like some like butcher lesbians is like, oh, I don't know if I identify with that either. So this new kind of like, you know, like hearing queers is so wonderful because it just opens things up. But you're starting to see like, you know, more queer people are just humans and people and they're not like, I don't know, not to say shame or anything.
No, no, true self. But it's like, it's nice to see those kind of examples. But it is true when something is so like pushed underground, the kind of the extremes are what are able to kind of pop up, you know, like, excuse me. Sorry, I'm so sorry. Someone's farting with the drill. But like, yes, being gay is so shunned that only the people that are like, so gay, like burst through, you know, and then that's what we have.
Yeah. Yes, I'm here.
No, that that to me speaks to some of the gay male bullshit around mask versus femme. The people that you know are gay when you're young are people that are femme. There's like, there's mask privilege amongst amongst amongst gay guys. Like, yeah, passing privilege. And and all the internalized homophobia of like, oh, well, I might be gay, but I won't be like them. Because because it's fear of being perceived as gay.
Yeah. And same with women. Yeah, femme women can pass.
And, you know, some I have so many friends that are like, I just came out so late. And it's like, no, you didn't. You're just like femme like you were able to kind of exist in this world. Yeah, not get called out for you, you know, and also, yeah, like, get out there. At least you got it while you were really young, you know, or like, at some point you discovered it. Totally. Because it's like to go your whole life and not make that discovery or or like, I think I don't know. I would just really people like, you know, people come out late in life.
And now it's being put, you know, it's just so in the media. It's so like in everyone's face that you like being queer is a very valid option. Yeah. And kids know now like, it's like, oh, how lovely. Kids are coming on like middle school.
It's great.
I mean, there's been a few shows I watched recently. I have a hard time ingesting, like, because I just didn't realize how much shame, even just like hearing that stuff. Like, I mean, Seinfeld, perfect example. Yeah. But there's so I'll watch something and just still. Yeah, I mean, you know, the same where there's not there's anything wrong with that.
Yeah, like she wants to date the other guy and pull him on to the team. She was like, you should play on her team.
Yeah, really. Like, oh, my God. But I mean, I've been noticing and picking up on that that I existed with a lot of that rhetoric as we all did. Yes.
You know, if you watch friends, it's like, oh, absolutely transphobic. Like Chandler's like mom or my dad or my dad's now my mom. You know, like he like has a meltdown every time he thinks about his like mom who happens to be trans.
Yeah, big punch line in front. You're like, wow.
Played by famous trans actress Kathleen Turner. I'm like, no, no, no, Kathleen. The cast is someone who is actually transphobic.
Yeah, no, good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it feels it feels good to shake all of that.
You know, I'm curious about what you guys do on just a like health level. How do you find your mental health? What are some things that you guys do?
I mean, sometimes it's kind of out of sight, out of mind for me. Like, cool. I came out of the closet and now it's all fine. But then sometimes it flares back up where I'm like, oh, wow, I did carry a lot of shame for a long time or.
Please. I insist.
I mean, this has little to do with queerness and more just mental health. I remember I got a good friend of mine, a guy named had quit drinking and is still alive. So he has quit drinking and was.
I killed my friend. He deserved it. He sucks.
No, he and I were talking one night about the benefits of AA and what he really gets out of it and how he applies some of that across his life. And he said when he's feeling down and the way he would cope with that is by drinking. He said, what I do is I call someone and I ask them about themselves. And I just stopped talking about myself and get out of my own bullshit. Wow. And that I thought was just a great phrasing of that practice, which I think is important. Like just don't just get out of your own narcissism, get out of your own bullshit and ask someone about themselves.
Yes. There was a checklist that went around. I remember like on Tumblr or something that was like, are you really depressed? Go through this checklist and then check back in with yourself. And it was really small things like take a shower, eat something, clean your room, call someone and have a small chat with them. And it was just like five simple things.
And I remember being like, wow. A lot of times when I'm at a definite low, I'm like, cool, I haven't done any of those things and I'm spinning out of control.
A shower always solves anything for me, actually. Really? I'm like, yeah, a shower.
Brushing my teeth is huge. If I start with kind of a pattern of health, taking care of yourself. It's like if I brush my teeth and I start running, it's like, oh, I'm noticing that I'm taking care of myself.
Yes. Therapy definitely helps. Absolutely. Same. Yeah.
I love going to therapy. It's such a nightmare at first. I don't know if you had this too, but I feel like when I started going to therapy, it just kicked up so much stuff that I had like perfectly kept. Like, all right, that lives there and it sucks, but we don't have to talk about that. And then like a therapist just walks in and is like, what's this?
What's this? You know what I told that fucking? Isn't that a Disney movie? What's this?
It's Nightmare Before Christmas. Yeah. There's something in the air.
Which is what happens when the therapist talks to you. My therapist is Jack Skellington.
Just like in your tattoo. Just like, yeah. I was trying to dare Grant to get a Jack Skellington tattoo.
I don't need to go off on Disney Goths right now. That's probably not well. If you watch, you're welcome to the show. Your personality isn't at all annoying. Please continue.
I don't think they exist anymore. Disney Goths? I bet they do.
Yeah, no, yeah, therapy has helped a lot. Therapy, I've only probably like the past couple of years, it all kind of came to the surface.
Like there was no way of voiding the shame that I carried with me. Totally. I'm learning now to like kind of free myself up, you know, because I just I really ran from a lot of shit. Yeah, same. Without realizing.
And you get good at it. You get really good at dodging them.
Yeah, like, nope, I don't need to worry about my shit. I'm maintaining, maintaining.
Well, I mean, I hung out with like this, my a lot of cis friends when I first came out and I was wondering why like I didn't feel comfortable or seen for so long. And then I met like Allie and like have made so much so many more queer friends in my life that I'm like, why didn't I do this before?
Like, what was I running from? I don't know. That's so funny that you mentioned that because actually when I was in high school, I started going to like the the pier and Christopher Street, you know, the gay. And so that's when I was like, oh, there's different types of I didn't realize that there was, you know, there was trance. I didn't know any of this.
I was like, oh, there's, you know, guys that are really feminine. There's guys that are really masculine. There's guys that play baseball.
I was like, oh, this is I was like, this is like, okay, cool. I thought it was just like, you have to like, you know, be flaming gay to be gay. And I didn't really understand that. And then yeah, you see how like diverse it can be. And you can see yourself in that. Yeah, you like put yourself in you're like, oh, okay, cool. Totally. I don't have to be one thing or the other. I could just kind of be me. And that does, you know, we get questions a lot on the show of like, you know, how do I I feel like I'm not the right kind of gay person as sort of what a lot of it boils down to.
Oh, I'm a terrible kid. No, and that's it.
And it's like, and you can be gay and not be not be one of those things. You do kind of have to seek out other gay people to find that for yourself. And sometimes like, sometimes the unfortunate answer is you just got to wait until it happens.
Yeah, I feel like we met after like a march or something and I walked into a sushi place to eat alone. And you and another friend and we hadn't even met before. You were just like, want to all eat together. Yeah, it's really great, you know, but now it's easier though with social media. And is it? I know we didn't meet through like social media, but it's like, you know, you have like these like huge gay, super and stuff, famous people that you're like, Oh, like, you know, if I was like eight years old, you have to see yourself. I mean, like actually meeting a friend that you hang out with real life. I don't know about that. I feel like it was when I met either.
I was like, Oh, there are really cool queer people out there and it's expanded beyond that, which is really great to find people who even identify the way, you know, people who identify as trans people identify like guys who identify as bisexual. Like you can, you can find so many different kinds of people of whom that is true.
And that is lovely. The true freaks, man. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Let me find my other true freaks. Yeah, let's, this is a perfect time.
Let's move into, we have a few questions today. You guys ready? You buckled? No. Allie, I'm so scared. Yeah, hold on to our baby. This is a question from Scrungy Bungus. Get ready. This is off the Discord.
I recently came out as male to female trans to my moms. It went as well as you can really hope for as they are both really supportive and told me about how I was in the right family and how I actually have two male to female relatives, an aunt and a cousin. My stepmom even went and found a pile of books about transitioning that she owned and is letting me read them.
But despite having the dream coming out, I'm still intensely embarrassed to talk about it with either of them. Have you ever been ashamed to talk about your coming out with someone even if they are 100% supportive?
Yeah, I have. I think it's different with parents. I do. I think there's, in addition to dealing with the internalized homophobia that we all have, you also have your relationship with your parents.
That is heavy and that isn't a friendship. It shouldn't be a friendship. There are, you can have elements of friendship to it, but it is something else.
And so, yeah, it's like I was saying earlier. It's like my mom will tiptoe around. You know, it's like, how are things with you and... Friend. You get real me. Not out of homophobia, but out of, I think, of...
It might lead to a whole conversation that she may be ready for. It's not even so, because my mom is absolutely ready for the conversation.
My parents were champions when I came out to them. They're wonderful and are great at it, and are liberal, right-thinking people who know gay people in their lives, but don't want to overstep their boundaries or don't want to... They're not my therapist. They don't want to kick over the wrong thing.
It is kind of hard to talk to my mom about transition. I'm on track to get top surgery, and there is like... I don't know if it's just me holding this for her, and she's not sending out this vibe at all, but it is kind of like, you created me. You birthed me, and now I'm gonna alter that body, or you know what I mean? That's so fucked up to be like, I made that body, don't change it.
Can I ask, though, about that? Because I'm curious, too, is there an element...
If I were in your position, I could see an element of guilt over saying to a parent, you didn't raise me in the gender that I really was. Well, I think that's there, too. I think because my mom was always like, oh, you're so tomboy, and then it was like, oh, you're really masculine dressing, young woman, and oh, you're gay. All signs pointing to like, come on. I think with some of my trans friends, I consider them so brave for taking that... Coming out is hard, yeah, totally.
But to know yourself so much that you... This is how I'm gonna feel comfortable, so I'm gonna feel beautiful, and I think that's so brave. I don't know, I just... Oh, absolutely. So much respect for that.
When it comes to these kind of permanent changes or something like that, everyone gets so scary around it. All the meetings I've had for this surgery, people are like, you know it's not reversible.
And I'm like, will you promise me that? That's what I'm hearing. If I wake up a couple years later, back with the same chance, I'm like, what is going on? But yeah, I could totally see it going really well.
There's also an element to talking to your parents about your sexual preference, or you're talking about how you wanna be seen naked. I'm changing my body to feel comfortable in it, but also to be fucking hot in the way that I wanna be. So I'm not gonna sit with my mom and be like, so I'm gonna be buff.
It is, it's the same way. Queerness isn't just sex, but there is a sexual element. It's a sex and love element, but sex is a part of it. And that is an odd thing to talk to about your parents. I can't speak with authority about this, but there probably is. I think the way just culturally transness is talked about is the way gayness was talked about in the 80s. It isn't where gayness is, and queerness is.
It's evolved, though. It is, and it is evolving. Where it starts is the conversation begins in these kind of spaces, because I do see it evolving a lot.
Going with the shame, my aunt actually asked me if I was gay, and I remember it hurting so much. She pulled me aside. I went to get a haircut from her, and then she was like, you're gay, right? Because everyone in the salon thinks you are. And I just remember being like, it was hard, that being the first instance of not being able to discover it myself and approach it.
That's huge. That's huge when other people tell you that you're gay.
I mean, look at her. That's how she's the worst.
I've always been just androgynous, so it's like when I came out, I was like, of course. And of course, I mean, I have kids. Thank you. We all know kids like that. You know, my cousin's gay.
Push like a $20 bill into their hand as you pass. Listen, it's gonna be a rough road. It's gonna be great, but you've got like five tough conversations ahead of you. So keep your head up. Hopefully not.
I guess like kids now. No, it's changed. It's definitely changed. Have a little bit more wiggle around. The kids could come out now. The conversation now is so much.
We just all get so bitter in this dark basement.
I actually remember in middle school, I would actually, I would give this kid, like I would pay this kid, sometimes in like money, but sometimes in candy to hold my hand underneath the table. No way. Like that's how I knew that it was like, I was like, but like we had a mutual agreement that it was like, and it was like, it was just so great to like to do that and know that that was so wrong, but he was willing to do it if I gave him money. Oh my gosh.
Was he gay? I don't, I think he just, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I don't, I haven't seen his like that T shirt that they sell at Beth. He was like, I'm not gay, but $20 is $20.
Yeah, he was an entrepreneur. That's who he was. He now owns Snapchat. Honestly, I believe it. I found out today, the owner of Grindr is a Republican. All right. Anyway, I think former owner. Oh, yeah. It's owned by it's owned by.
How much self hate you must have to be a Republican.
I don't know.
He created a Grindr. I mean, because queer Republicans absolutely exist. So do queer Christians.
I feel like this is just a group of people. I want to know more about politics is so black and white because you can be like fiscally conservative and then, you know, socially Democrats. I should say too. I don't know that he's a Republican.
I think that's that information is coming from me. I think that he is. I think I've read that at some point.
I think I've read that are offices. Look at the Grindr offices.
Now I don't even believe that. Throughout high school, I switched back and forth from calling myself bisexual to calling myself a lesbian and from being trans female to male to being genderqueer. It was a very confusing time, especially because I was often told by people things like bisexuality doesn't exist or that I had to pick a gender, etc. I finally feel comfortable calling myself bisexual and genderqueer. But now I get pushed back because of how many times I switched labels in the past.
How should I handle this? And how should I respond?
I think that you have no control over how other people are going to perceive you. And I mean, like if, should be whatever you want, girl.
Absolutely. I mean, you know, you wake up one day. Yeah. And if you're comfortable with it, who gives a shit? Yeah. And the idea of switching, I think is like, how have you looked at the culture around us? The culture around us is switching and allowing me to feel comfortable enough. Yeah. And I think they're also projecting their own fear and not exploring that. It's like you going and exploring your true self and kind of going back and forth. I think that's like brave. Yes. Yeah. I think like the best response, if someone actually gives you pushback of that, is like, all right, then don't fuck me. But okay. Well, that's a response. All right. Well, then you don't have to sleep with me. That's not that's, you know, but I don't know the situation, but I think you're probably exactly right that that sounds like some projection. Yeah, absolutely. It's like you're self-conscious about the amount of times that you have identified in a different way. It's actually so complex, too. Do you guys listen to the Risk Podcast at all with Kevin? Yes. Yeah.
I love some of the stories because it's like, yeah, it can get so complicated. Some people can feel half and half. It's like it can be so amazing and weird and interesting and for you to take those steps is so freeing.
So do it. There's no room for like perfectionism when it comes to like figuring out who you are. I feel like straight people need it in a box, though. Exactly. Like you need to be in a compartment or so I can't understand you. And that's on them. Yes, exactly.
It's funny because I actually, I was really masculine sort of growing up because I had to kind of be the environment, the Dominican Republic, the Bronx. But sort of when I moved here, I became like a lot more feminine and I got in touch with that.
And I was like, okay. You know, it's okay. It's okay. And then I go back and forth, but it's like okay to do that.
I had a similar thing where I think I was being extra masculine, I think when I first came out because I felt like that attracted the type of women that I was into. And I'm just now realizing a lot more feminine things about myself. And it feels good to have both and just be free in that way.
And I think that's sort of this in an encapsulation where it's like, yes, sometimes you behave a certain way. There's nothing wrong with, like if I'm going out, I dress better than this. I want to present a certain way at certain times. There's nothing wrong with presenting yourself in different situations in different ways. You're not lying.
Switch it up. Switching all the time. There's some days where it's like, I want to be a little bit more feminine.
And like drag, I guess you could say. But yeah. It was just too far and I'm like, I am in drag.
It's kind of nice to lean into that and feel that and like lean into it. Yeah, give yourself the freedom to go there because it is wonderful. It's a wonderful feeling. Wear that skirt. Yeah, do it. Yeah, that was a great one.
Okay, as a closeted person, especially in a group, I feel the need to act like I enjoy homophobic jokes. Has this ever been your experience? How much do you think this has affected your sense of humor, if at all, from?
Shame. I'd say that I would now call it out. I would stand up for myself because it's like so much of my identity and what makes me beautiful.
So fuck them. They're not going to be supportive too and keep you in that closet of discovering yourself and finding true love and being free, then you don't need to hang out with them at all. They're not good friends.
Yeah, I do sympathize because back when I was a kid, it was fag everything. Oh my gosh, growing up, it was all homophobic jokes. Everything that was bad was gay. Everybody who was behaving wrong was a fag. Fag was the lid of our time.
Yeah, it was like that's... Yeah, thank God people now have lids. What a positive. Girl, you lit, girl. Yeah, we were all like a building. I love the culture for young people now. That's pretty much what the show turns into.
I just need a glass of wine and I'm pretty much a ghost. So I sympathize with where he's at. I'm applying gender from the name, but...
Oh yeah, when you're in the closet, it is very like, you don't want to call it out. You don't want to call it out because then they'll say, why do you care? And then you're like...
I don't remember if I've told this story on this podcast, but when I was in fifth grade, I switched schools. I had my hair cut into a bowl cut and were only flame themed.
Where is this picture? Get ready, baby.
Welcome to Flavortown. Get your junkie sauce.
He got it from me. But anyway, so that's... Now I've set the table. You know what I look like.
And I was in a class and this guy was making fun of gay people. And then this was my first time to stand up and I went... Because my uncle was gay. And I was like, hey, someone in my family is gay.
And he went, yeah, you. And I was fucking roasted. You were like, everyone was like, hey. I was lit on fire. And I know that that's bad, but that's a great fucking burn.
And I know that it's not good to celebrate, but that is very funny that he said it. He nailed you. He was just like, oh no. You know, I was really stepping out to be like, now I'm an ally. So I do understand how homophobic jokes are told. You're just kind of like, am I going to put a target on my back? I guess it depends on where you are. I do want to give him some tools for what he can do if that's happening.
Like, if someone's making gay jokes, that happens to me so little now. Yeah, exactly. Because I've slowly surrounded myself with people that I respect. Yeah, it's like, no one I respect makes gay jokes. What year is it? Yeah, exactly. We're talking about Paul Lynn. It's so true. I haven't heard like a gay joke. I got a laugh from the crew on that Paul Lynn joke.
Look him up, kids. He was Templeton.
So what do you do? So what do you do if like, if you're in a small group, it's people, if you don't want to, you're allowed to make it a thing. You're allowed to say, hey, that sort of sucks.
Or just don't hang out with them. Yeah, I mean, yeah, like people who are making gay jokes aren't going to be fun in five years.
They might be gay, but like, it felt like to be in the closet and like really empathize with this, you know, because it's, I don't know, I just don't know. It's something I don't know. I think if you're around people who are making gay jokes, then maybe that means you need to start putting yourself around gay people more or queer people. Find people online. Yeah, I mean, ask yourself too, like what, like avoiding why you're not hanging out with like queer people. Yeah, I mean, for the longest time. Truly, since like three, four years ago, I started hanging out with queer people. Yeah, I was like kind of scared. I don't know. That was my own shame that I had to go through.
Totally. It's like that self discovery is so important. Yes. Finding your community. Yeah.
Yeah, I'd say like it's situationally, just roast them back. Just like don't, if they're making fun of you, roast them back. If they're making fun of gay people generally, turn it on them and just roast. The ability to deliver a proper roast is truly an excellent skill.
A read in this case. Just read them back. Yeah. Just put a tiny pair of glasses on and read them. Throw them some shade. Yeah, exactly.
You know, yeah, like, yeah, move the jokes onto something else. Like if you don't want to, if you're in a situation where you feel like you can't call it out, you know, move the conversation on. But the world gets better when people are called out on their bullshit. So, you know, that is a good thing to do.
Yeah, it's scary. It's totally scary.
Yeah, totally. Oh, love it.
Love these questions. Thank you so much for sending in your questions. Please continue to upload them. We'll put an anonymous survey out. If you feel comfortable, ask them on the Discord. We love having your name in there.
Where can people find you? I think we've already put your social media handles up. But are there, what are you guys working on? Is there stuff that you'll be doing around town online?
Plugs. Plugs is what I'm asking for. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can always catch me doing stand up at the comedy store. I'm always there. Have some monthly show called Ride or Die.
Instagram. I do a real good Insta story every day, so follow me. Shit stresses me out. Oh my God, so much fun. Doing an Insta story? No, I mean, like any kind of social media stuff. Oh my God, I like love it. I'm obsessed with it. I should have been a social media manager.
Oh my God. You can take over my hand. I was like, I'm seeing a map. I tell my friends, I'm like, let me log in. I have an idea right now. That's it. Beautiful. Well, I mean, you can find me at the Instagram handle.
I try to not use it that much because it really does stress me out. I hate that's a part of like my job as a musician and artist. I really hate that, but you can find me there and music on Instagram, but you can find my music on Spotify.
Just released a new song with DaVendra, which I'm really excited about because 100% of the proceeds are going to Trans Lifeline from now to the end of time. That's awesome.
All you have to do is listen. You just press play.
I mean, it's not that much to contribute, because the music industry is fucked. Yeah, it's like 0.2 cents. They throw it at us. If you want to get involved and contribute, really just share it with your friends.
It's called Bright Future Ahead. It's really good. It's a really good song. Yeah, but our current plans, playing some shows, touring, working on a record. I really love this.
I want to get more involved in my community. Yes, perfect. It's so valuable sitting and talking to queer people. Yes, I love it. Like an honest conversation.
I was telling Ally that in this earlier, but I just love the world that you are creating and you are creating of just the things that you didn't have when you were growing up. The examples that you didn't have growing up and I just love that you're creating that for people of currently with self-discovery, having people like yourself and cool formats. Yeah, if this had been a click away for me night and day, honey, I wish I could go back and...
Did we ever upload it under NFL Roundup? We were talking about it. People who can't get caught listening to queer stuff. Instead of calling it Tales from the Closet, we were going to hide it for incognito people and call it NFL Recap so that they could download it and listen to it without anybody.
That's perfect. We might still do that. Who knows? Grant, where can people find you other than on everything I'm on? I was going to say. If they're watching this, I hope they know it. Please, God, I hope you know where to find me.
Yeah, hit me up. Pictures of Grant on Instagram. Feel free to send me third straps. I'm down for that. Yes. Sliding those DMs. Yeah, come on. Get in there. Also, yeah, you can message me as well. I mean, like, please. Scraps for Kira. Please. I'm available. Like, you know, if you need a friend to talk to or anything, like, you can lean. You can lean in. Hell yeah.
We'll get you on Discord. Well, honestly, we'll get you a username on Discord.
You sure hop in there. It's really fun.
It's social media, though, because that's the game. It's an A out. It's not.
It's like a chat room. It's like a game.
Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much.
Hope you guys have a great night. It is daytime here. I have no idea why I said that. It's still the morning. This is the morning. It is the crack of dawn, and I hope the day for you is as good as mine will be. I like the positivity. Hi. It's me, Allie.
Did you like that sketch? Well, you should think about joining Dropout. You can look us up on the Discord server and we can chat all the time. It's kind of like we're neighbors.
Who's Mr. Rogers? I've never heard of him. Weird. |
TheOnion | DEA_Recruits_Lil_Wayne_To_Use_Up_All_Drugs_In_Mexico | And finally, some good news on the ongoing drug trafficking crisis along the Mexican border. Today, in testimony before the House Committee on the Judiciary, the DEA revealed it has achieved remarkable success with its latest initiative, sending rapper Lil Wayne to Mexico to use up all the drugs. Immediately upon deployment, Lil Wayne locates all the narcotics in the area and depletes the supply within hours. Operation Wheezy of Baby has been an unparalleled success. Lil Wayne has already gotten 40 tons of marijuana, 27,000 kilos of cocaine, and 2,000 kilos of heroin off the streets and into his body. Mexican officials say they expect Lil Wayne to completely wipe out the nation's drug problem by the end of next month. He is the weapon drug enforcement agencies have been searching for, a living vacuum cleaner of drugs. I personally watched him snort a pile of cocaine as tall as a man. This operation is expected to cost over $2 billion for pipes, lighters, rolling papers, and replacement diamonds for Lil Wayne's teeth. DEA officials said video field reports from Lil Wayne show he is continuing to take in huge amounts of drugs on an hourly basis.
It did take off my motherfucking finger and my Bentley, my Breitling, like, like, like, what I say, sparkling off the Breitling.
Lil Wayne's drug-stopping capabilities are, in his own words, rare, like Mr. Clean with hair. Mexican officials have already commissioned a mural in Mexico City as a gesture of thanks to Lil Wayne and all he has done for the nation.
This is the most widespread government use of a celebrity since the 2004 Republican National Convention when Christina Aguilera was shot into crowds of protesters to disperse them. Coming up next, the White House has announced the president is in the mood for a parade. |
dropout | One_in_Four_Americans_Attracted_to_Their_Sexy_Cars_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Hal Satan. And I'm Peaches, bitch. Our top story, Cars. Sure, they go beep beep, but are they too sexy? A new study found one in four Americans are sexually attracted to their shiny metal mamas. That's right, Peaches.
And others. Sure, it may sound yummy to get your cruiser tiny smooches with your little whips, whips? With your whittle whips. Fuck. Manufacturers are warning customers not to get too attached. A cool dude in Honda's nuts and bolts apartment stated, cars are fickle mistresses and will only break your heart and your wallets. Am I right, fellas? They need a sick backflip and everyone liked it.
The Fox from Carfax gave the following tips to decrease car lust. One, take public transportation when possible. Two, never wax your vehicle. And three, forget rules one and two.
Okay, I'm done talking about this now. Peaches, would you like to hear a joke? No, respect. Moving on, can't be bothered with looking outside your window? Don't worry, it's time for the weather with a Scatman.
Thanks, Hal. It's a cold one out there, colder than the day my baby left me. You know, my infant baby. Just crawled away when we were at an ice skating rink. I begged him not to go, but he wouldn't listen. Babies can be stubborn, but fair. I'm so sorry to hear that, A. Psych. I didn't, Nate, have no baby.
You know me always with the spanking and pranking. I'll never be tame, but for reals, it's hot, not cold. So squirt that sunscreen out of the bottle and lather up like a top model.
Rays are out there and they mean business. Oh, I have a cousin named Ray. He owns a small business. Me too. What a time to be alive. Wow. Sounds like we all have a cousin named Ray.
Why are you doing it sexy? Oh, we've just received breaking news, but first, who's your favorite Spice Girl? Baby, all the way, B. You're crazy, but I respect you. Okay, ready to hear this breaking news? Sure, let's go live to the scene with Quasi-Hello-Moto. Thanks, Hal.
Raccoons are on the loose in downtown Los Angeles, stealing the hearts and eating the lunches of all. Early this morning, some raccoons, that's the technical term, like how there's a murder of crows or a herd of deer.
You know what I'm talking about? Is that something you're familiar with? Yes. Is anyone listening to me? We all are. Yes. Respect.
Well, for raccoons, it's some raccoons. Pretty weird, huh? Feels like science kind of gave up there, but any crap, they're down here now. Early this morning, hundreds of raccoons descended onto the city, looking for sandwiches and other light fare. How are people reacting? At first they were like, ew. But once they saw them pick up food with their little hands, they were like, aw.
So at the moment, no one is pressing charges. And that's all we have time for now. We'll close with a bit of personal news.
This week's loser is Grant O'Brien.
Yeah, all right, fine. Fine, I don't owe anything to anyone. |
TheOnion | BREAKING_NEWS_BAT_LOOSE_IN_CONGRESS | If you could all just settle down, I propose a full committee vote on whether to act on the matter of the bat, which has been trapped in this chamber for the past 15 minutes. All those in favor of attempting to capture the bat, say aye. Aye. It's clear that the majority of those present feel we need to act.
I therefore propose that we have all of the lights in the chambers turned off and all the windows open. The bat will fly towards the sunlight and out the window. Mr. Chairman, I respectfully disagree. The best plan of action is to capture the bat and then release it outside. Oh! Get on! Representative McCulloch, I believe that catching the bat would prove extremely difficult. It's very fast. Well, I have read that in situations like this, one can place honey or sugar water into a jar. And then when the bat climbs into the jar to drink it. Representative McCulloch, waiting for the bat to enter the jar could take hours. We need immediate action. Now I propose to put a piece of fruit on the table, and when the bat comes down to eat it, we simply clamp a large bowl over it. We don't have a large bowl, and that plan would require us to move faster than the bat. I maintain simply turning off the light and waiting for the bat to leave is the best option. If you think my bowl plan is tenable, then I suggest acquiring a large fan and blowing it towards the window, or making it uncomfortable, so it just leaves. Probably the reason he came in here in the first place, because it's cold outside. Representative Cummings, it doesn't matter why the bat is here or how we got in here if we simply turn off the lights. Geez! Oh! This should not be a difficult problem to solve.
What do we know about bats? They're nocturnal. They live in caves.
They use echolocution. I believe the representative from Virginia means echolocation. State for the record, I meant echolocation. Noted. I move we take a recess so I can call my brother. His first wife was a veterinarian.
Well, if we're going to call anyone, we should call 311 and have them send over animal control. I was not aware that 311 had that service included. Yes, 311 can be used to receive information and to access city government programs. It is woefully underutilized.
Excuse me, gentlemen, but a few years ago, I had the pleasure of spending an afternoon with an 89-year-old woman in Bowdoin, South Carolina. She was active in her church. She had worked hard all her life, and on that particular afternoon, a bird flew in the house, and she simply solved her problem by turning out the lights, leaving the window open, and letting the bird leave on its own.
And I believe that that is the- Just a moment! Just a moment! Where is it? I believe it flew out the window. Excellent. And we can proceed with our scheduled discussion of H.R. 210.
Oh!
Could somebody call security? There it is! It was right there! |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Screws_Mangled_Joints_That_Make_Up_Rob_Gronkowski_Poised_For_Huge_Fantasy_Year | Owner's box brought to you by Lenovo you need a computer to play fantasy football might as well be this one It's week one and you're inside the owner's box where players are your property and your neighbors are millionaires I'm Perry big well and today we're talking Rob Gronkowski after missing most of the 2013 season with injuries the loose Assemblage of screws splintered bones and mangled joints that make up the Patriots tight end is poised for a massive comeback There are a lot of questions surrounding Gronk this fantasy football season But I say ride that creature to the end if the hastily slapped together man finds a way to get all that jumbled metal and cartilage Moving in unison.
I predict big big numbers from it this season full disclosure starting the rattling heap as your te1 Isn't without its risk.
There's a chance He could explode like a crash test dummy during a game and send body parts flying all over the field Just like he did last year now I know that worries a lot of fantasy owners But insiders say team doctors are using much larger screws this season and storing the body in an equipment shed to keep it safe from bad weather and decay Plus coaches are telling Gronk that the football is full of medicine So you bet he'll be zeroing in on that ball every down with a difference maker rating of 6.7 and a second heart placed inside his back Gronk is Perry's top tight in this season |
dropout | the_fall_of_pinterest | All of them united. They gather on the plane.
My god. They seek to invade us. The way they did YouTube, Tumblr and so many others. We must protect our homepage. Only here can one post pictures of wedding gowns and green smoothies in peace.
It is so. Yo! I am but an envoy. What is it you seek? Yo!
We seek entry to your forbidden temple. And why is that? So you have yet another home for your negativity and derision? We desire no such thing, yo. We merely seek to lurk. Open the gates.
There may come a day when the lulls of men fail and women can post pictures of themselves online without someone asking to see their tits. But it is not this day, my trolls!
My liege. They gave them a fishtail braid. Yeah! You guys remember these things? Downbow. Wall. For honor!
They're flaming our walls. Quick, Legion of Etsy. Crap! Women's power!
Nice tits. Bag. Bay.
Con. Kale! It's a super food! Retreat!
The Bronies ride from the west! Sisters of Modcloth! The Ninja Cats!
Oh! Oh, what? Nights. Oh!
Where are you going?! Don't do it! It's a photo bomb! Wait, what?
Our walls have held. Pinterest lives to see the morning. their armies have retreated but look they offer truce bring this symbol of victory to our home page at once I had one just as this at my own wedding |
cracked | 10_weirdly_conservative_hidden_messages_in_con_air_today_s_topic | Con Air! Con Air, man. So good!
We just don't make movies like that anymore. Right? Like, why does every movie now have to mean something? Why can't we just enjoy a movie about a guy trying to get back to his family, and kicking and punching and impaling and exploding some bad guys to do it? It was just a different time. Then, you know, the movie could just be rad. It didn't have to be about anything.
So when was it made? Ninety-six. It came out in ninety-seven.
Damn! Con Air! Non-F***ing Air! Huh. What's up? Nothing.
It's just, uh, 1996 was an election year. It was after Clinton's first term.
You don't think that means anything. Eh, that's probably nothing. Okay. You don't think it means anything, right? No.
It's just Jerry Bruckhamer's a pretty outspoken conservative. And this movie is about punching people on planes. Well, K. Rupaul, he's military. That's sort of a conservative thing. Oh, yeah, at the beginning, right? But then he becomes a convict for... Killing a guy for threatening his pregnant wife and ripping the stripes right off a Poe's uniform before saying... Pussies like you. We lost Vietnam. Yeah, alright. It's pro-military, but, I mean, most action movies are. That doesn't mean that it's right-wing propaganda. Bruckhamer is not a subtle guy, right? So if he was going to make a conservative movie, right, he would, like, a hundred percent put in some heavy-handed metaphors.
Like, how, if all the people on the plane were not... The convicts! Why are you acting like you just now remember that there are convicts in the movie Con Air? No, each one of the convicts.
Diamond Dog is a black militant who hates the NRA, and spends his time in prison writing a New York Times bestseller about the woeful state of civil rights in America. And he's one of the main bad guys. He's black America.
Okay, fine. We did a giant twenty-three.
A Mexican immigrant who doesn't respect U.S. laws. He's immigration!
Sally can't dance as an outspoken and proud homosexual. Pinball is a drug addict, the prevalence of drugs in the African-American community.
Billy Bedlam is about the dissolving of the nuclear family. He kills his wife's parents, and Cyrus is Cyrus the virus! He's a bilingual intellectual with a doctorate who gets along great with the minorities. Holy shit, Cyrus is the manifestation of the liberal masses.
This is bad, Katie. This is, like, this is so bad.
He's so nice to Sally can't dance. All the convicts are, with the exception of Poe. Poe is the only one who assaults him, and we're supposed to cheer.
Okay, I'm falling down the rabbit hole. Whoa!
Put the bunny back in the box. I said put the bunny back in the box.
All right, there are pros on that plane, just as there are cons. I mean, did you see? Yeah, yeah, no, I get it. You're right. There's a female prison guard. Good.
Who has the audacity to join the workforce in a traditionally male role and almost immediately feel so spectacularly that the worst convicts in the world get to hijack a plane. There's also a secret DEA agent! Yeah, an incompetent representative of the government who accidentally gives the terrorist a gun. Baby-O maybe, Poe's diabetic friend. Okay, yeah, you mean Uncle Tom? The one good African-American who knows his place? Oh my God, we've been so blind.
At the beginning of the movie, John Cusack quotes Dostoevsky and says, The degree of civilization in this society can be judged by observing its prisoners. That's a thesis for the whole movie! The plane is a microcosm of the entire country, and each criminal represents a different aspect of modern liberal America that Poe, a good old boy with a folksy draw and juiced up on conservative values, has to destroy one by one. It's a propaganda film. This is where 1996 Bruckheimer thought America was headed.
No. No? What do you mean no? No, it is much worse than that.
That is where he thinks we are, right? Conner touches down three times in the movie, right?
And each time America is this Mad Max wasteland. The first time is in the windswept, militarized Carson City. The second time is in that weird junkyard where that filthy little girl is having a tea party and an empty pool, and the third time is when the plane crash lands into... Las Vegas. Sin City, the one place where you can crash a plane into a bunch of civilians, and no one cares about it.
But Cyrus and the rest of the minibosses, they get away. They blend into the crowd, even though they did so by stealing a fire truck. Because Cyrus the virus doesn't have to blend into society. Everybody's already infected. He is society. And then Poe chases Cyrus, and then he crashes his truck, and then Cyrus gets his intellectual brains brushed in by this machine that...
Well, I don't know what it does, honestly. Just some bullshit they built. The kind of bullshit we used to build in this country. Holy shit. My favorite movie is social conservative revenge porn. That is such a bummer. So, what does Steve was saying then? He's just like a raper. I think that's it.
But he got away at the end. Yeah, well he doesn't attack that little girl. It's like a retribution. He gets a pass. He wore a girl's head as a hat. He's the last little girl.
Con air. Con...fucking air. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_arrested_development_mashup | And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Game of Thrones Ever since the head of the Stark family had lost his, Rob Stark had been doing his best to keep the family safe and together. So far, his sister Sansa was trapped in a castle being whipped like a dog. And his other sister Arya was being held captive by one. And his younger brothers Bronn and Rickon are gone. All in all, it wasn't a great start for the man who called himself King of the North.
That's why, following the advice of his mother, Rob ordered his uncle to marry one of the daughters of this man, Walder Frey. The wedding would unite the Stark family with the ever increasing Frey clan, giving Rob an even larger family to keep together. But more on that later. While Rob was making peace with Walder even though he was a Frey, his sister Arya was busy convincing her captor that she wasn't a Frey. She was afraid that she wouldn't make it to the wedding on time and get the family reunion she'd traveled hundreds of miles to get. She just had a funny way of showing it. Ed Mertulli and Walder Frey's daughter had gotten hitched without a hitch. Rob's mother was smiling, his wife was glowing, and for the first time in a long time, things didn't look quite so bleak for the Starks. Even Lord Frey seemed happy.
And then things got ugly. Well, uglier.
After the bride and groom bolted, the door to the room was bolted, at which point Lady Stark noticed Roose Bolton was hiding armor beneath his wedding clothes. Even Rob had to admit that perhaps he had made a terrible mistake. It turns out that Walder Frey's promise of peace was just a ruse. Not that kind of ruse, though he did play a part. Roose Bolton murdered Rob Stark, all under the orders of this man, Tywin Lannister, who had made sure the whole thing went off without a hitch, all the way from the hand of the King's lair. Meanwhile, the hand of the Kingslayer had also gone off.
On the next Game of Thrones, a boy cries wolf, and a wolf just cries. Boy, it seemed unnecessary. Speaking of crying.
Hey, all these commenters that are like, where's Swaim or hey, the sketch is... I have a life, alright? I can't be in every single video. I don't know if I'm in the video you just watched, but even if I wasn't, it's got my fucking fingerprints all over it, alright? So just sit there and shut up and subscribe to the channel and stop asking questions that, frankly, you don't want to know the answer to.
Africa. I was in Africa. That's all I'm gonna say. |
dropout | stop_carlos_mencia_a_rock_ballad | It's been a tragedy, poverty and pain We got genocide and duffel, Hungry AIDS and acid rain If humankind would try to solve them Well we'd never have a shot But there is one thing that we can do If we give it all we get We can stop Carlos Mencia We can beg on our knees No more diggity diggies Stop Carlos Mencia How did our society let this douche on TV?
Children everywhere will lead better lives If we bid Carlos goodbye He screams racial epithets to shock his corral Unaware of the difference between subversive and loud It's time to unite in harmony Every boy and every girl And if there's any justice in this fucked up world We will stop Carlos Mencia His career is a hoax He's Lenny Bruce without jokes Stop Carlos Mencia Get it into your head That his real name is Ned Stand up, leaders of the world unite Stop Carlos tonight Alright everybody, we're gonna invite you to sing along Together we'll write an episode of Mind of Mencia Ready?
Here we go! |
dropout | I_Didn_t_Get_Chlamydia_From_a_Koala | So, unfortunately, it looks like you've tested positive for chlamydia. Okay. Alright, what do I do? Well, there's no need to panic.
It's non-fatal and it's fairly common. I mean, there are thousands of cases a year. That's good to know. It's completely curable. In a few weeks, it'll be like nothing ever happened. Alright, well, that actually does make me feel a lot better. Oh, and here's a fun fact. Many koalas have it.
Really? That's crazy. I didn't know that before. Yeah, I bet you didn't know that before. What does that mean? It just, it doesn't look like you knew.
Oh, right. Gotcha. Uh, wait.
You don't think that I had sex with a koala, right? Oh, it doesn't matter. No, it does matter. I can't leave here with you thinking I had sex with a koala. Okay, I truly wouldn't know. I didn't have sex with a koala.
I had sex with a beautiful woman. With chlamydia. Well, that brings me to my next set of questions about your past sexual partners. Fire away. Did you have sex with a koala?
Why would you ask that? Because we need to run other tests if that's true. That has nothing to do with gender identity or any of the standard questions. Okay, that's not a no. No. Okay. That is so far-fetched.
People get chlamydia from other people mostly. Why would you jump to that? Statistically, it's more common in koalas than people. And as a doctor, I look at the most common reason and go from there.
Okay. Well, if you just give me some medicine, I'll be on my way. Okay. I can do that. Alright.
But that has nothing to do with me, okay? Okay, clearly you're getting very upset.
Does it make you feel any better if I told you I kissed a frog? You kissed a frog?
Alright, I don't need any judgment from a koala fucker, okay? Do you treat all of your chlamydia patients this way? Or is it just something about me? I can't discuss other patients. Fine. Then I'm just going to take my weak supply of eucalyptus leaves, that's for tea, and a framed picture of me and my son, who's not my lover, and be on my way. Oh man, are you fucking your koala son?
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_165_Peking_Duk | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, you're listening to the dulcet tones of myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate, joined by Errol Parker editor at large. How are you Errol? Good to have you back. Good mate, not so dulcet on my end but we'll see how we go. Well we've been lucky, we've been on a roll the last couple of weeks, last week actually in particular we had the pride of Bankstown Human Nature, they joined us, really hit some nostalgia buttons, I completely forgot how involved they were in the Olympics opening ceremony and then to do an 11 year residency in Vegas, these guys have made some cash but you know today we're following it up, we're going to dip a decade, dip a generation even to the pride of Canberra, basically Canberra's answer to human nature, we're joined today by Peking Duck, thank you. Happy to disappoint you guys. Adam and Reuben, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having us dudes, it's a pleasure to be here, it really is, love you lads. We have interviewed you before, we did a live event, it was, it was a long time ago, the same day as our book launch actually, I had a fuckload more hair back then, yeah it's looking lush though, it's still there you know, well like if you were up on the roof you wouldn't be saying that, he's a natural bloke, if you were a bird in a tree looking down upon me, you'd be like that fucking bloke needs a haircut. I've got a good angle on your hair, naturally blonde, unlike yourself Reuben, you did the quarantine Cisco style haircut, it's true, I bleached it and now it's going back, well now I've been dying it brown but then it keeps going orange so I have to keep dying it brown and yeah you just, you caught me in an interim phase and it's not looking great, wait do you dye it back to brown, yeah I keep dying it brown, but your natural colour is brown too, if you let it grow out wouldn't it just go back to, no because the bleach always wins, oh once you've bleached it, oh damn, you have to keep dying, you've got to bring it back to brown town, yeah I've got to go brown town tonight, well see that's the kind of haircut I would expect a man to be wearing if he's trying to sell me a VE Commodore on a nature strip in Tuggeranong, yes absolutely, that is so descriptive and bang on, essentially like that yeah, Tuggeranong is full of great VE, it's full of great nature strips, don't go past the lowered Hilux, yeah the low lux, the low lux, yeah that is Tuggeranong delight, I was in Canberra last weekend and they're still banging around, yeah what's of them, more of a Lodeo man myself, Lodeo, yeah nice, and like and then painting it like a terrible lime green but making it matte, or like a low roller, no pearlescent, yeah that's the money, different colour, different angles, oh yeah, oh yeah, speaking of Canberra, can you tell us how you discovered electronic music in a city mostly made up of public servants and foreign diplomats, yeah it's a great question, it is a solid question, Adam only listened to hip-hop before and I only listened to indie rock and I mean obviously we both loved Metallica and Slayer and things, Megadeth, shout out Dave Mustaine, yeah exactly, hello me it's me again, in my misfits way of life, a dark black past is mine, so you're a borderline emo, yeah borderline, for sure, I was dying my hair black, like the hair is always getting gone, it hasn't stopped, no we um well there was a club called Lot 33 in Canberra that had a lot of at the time, at the time electronic music was in a very special moment, if there were there were people like crookers and bloody beetroots and fake blood, and this club mind you is not much bigger than this room that we're in, yeah right, and like acts like those would come, oh it's like a back room, exactly similar same size vibe, they even they had deadmau5 went and played there like after a festival, right yeah so it was a strange place but this it was this club that would just have these crazy parties and the primal I guess, primal nature of it all felt just so new and different, yeah and we just turned 18 so obviously it was like oh we should go to a club I guess, that's what you do when you turn 18, and the clubs like that we started going to were terrible, it was like you know, yeah whack, really bad Mooseheads, well yeah I'm glad you know it, I was gonna say mooseheads thinking yeah they won't know that but, Clancy used to go to cube back in the day wasn't he, nah cubes actually pretty good, I used to come and pick you up from there, be hanging out with fringe NRL players down there, yeah absolutely, great time, pick you up at 7am from cube with all the NRL players, all the raiders, couple punch-ons, yeah there's a lot of punch-ons around there, and the hockey ruse, hockey ruse, I saw about four punch-ons last weekend in Canberra, yeah it's a violent, like it was just a rural New South Wales, yeah, not the small towns but the rural epicentres, yeah, of which Canberra I guess is one, start looking at the Waggers, Tamworth, Newy, Newcastle is absolute, every time we went down King Street in Newcastle like after the gig we'd go to the Maccas and Maccas, I think people trained every single day of the week for Saturday night at Maccas, yeah, yeah it became like a like a fighting championship, yeah, and yeah it's like great for you know you fellas out on the town, bit of entertainment, yeah, bit of fun, yeah, slippery slippery tiles in Maccas too, oh yeah it can get dangerous, it can get real dangerous, but we are, these acts like crookas and fake blood and stuff we kind of, I don't know, it all felt very new and fresh and we kind of wanted to, I don't know, be a part of it, what are they doing up there, because they've got these little things and we didn't know what they were, the decks and like we're used to maybe seeing a vinyl DJ with a rapper or like seeing a band play things live but we saw these like electronic looking things and we thought you know every time a hi-hat would come on or like the drop would happen they were doing all this and programming it live, but once we found out they were simply mixing songs into each other, once we found out they're not doing a thing we go we can do this, like wait this is, so I was a good little earner for young men, like before you started making music you just play it in the club and yeah so we started DJing yeah our first actual gig booked as DJs was a place called Kremlin bar and the lady that hired us told us that if anyone gets up and starts dancing whilst you're DJing you're fired immediately and we got we got fired yeah we were having too much fun we were like we didn't know what we were doing and they're like get up off your seats and they're like no if you say that again you can't come back here we're like we don't want to come back here yeah cuz we're like no we left we had never been treated in such a manner of like oh yeah you can just have free drinks like that any you can order any drinks you want in there for you in a cocktail bar to press play on a CD player and like free drinks it's like clown town we're just in there like we'll have eight Long Island iced teas thanks exactly yeah and that's where that's where it is as well one of the bartenders and he loved us and his name was mungus dude his name was mungus and he I think he was the demise of us he used to load us up and make us so blotto that we couldn't remember anything we can't even remember getting fired you played the same song again yeah just playing the same songs I remember that happened Cisco and Adam would be like we already played that and I'm like what still happens that still happens Adams really good at memory throwback to the other song we played two songs ago yeah quite good enough the first time we'll play it a bit faster this time but camera actually once we started like writing music and then getting it out there thanks to a local promoter named Hugh Foster he kind of took us under his wing and sent out a bunch of our music to Ministry of Sound yeah right they got in contact and they were down to clown and we kind of just kept and that was kind of the back of the glory days yeah Ministry of Sound yeah they had they had the market on electronic music they did a chill out sessions yeah those CDs banged they would go straight yeah they would just sell sell sell yeah and this was in that weird interim right this was like before just the CDs were dying before streaming had come in we gray and it's when like iTunes really took over yeah and then it's when you'd have to put a CD onto iTunes and then onto you yeah yeah yeah totally but then you could you know make a playlist on a CD and give that to someone for their birthday yeah and then you could DJ the clubs of Canberra with the hard drive full of pirated music yeah exactly lime wire playing lime wire joints like the watermark on their audio lime wire in the drop like in the main section I remember like we'd spin songs sometimes and it'd be like sound kind of shit and I'd be like are you sure you got this off Zippy Share where did you download this piece of shit get this off media like where'd you download this piece of shit all like you'd like play a song and the track title it'd be a completely different and then we just start playing like don't worry be happy by Motley Crue this was dead mouse damn we blew it so although you get that weird Bill Clinton yeah I did not have sex relations that woman dude I did buy my t-shirts from that was on everything yeah that was that was a pandemic watermark virus who made that I wonder it was good marketing yeah it was genius disruptive you know it was guerrilla marketing guerrilla warfare so would you say that the pot bellies played a major influence on your because they were that same era bloody be true and who was around when you guys Aston shuffle and shuffle huge like because they were also from Canberra it's seeing a duo come out of Canberra and be on like you know bloody be true to remix Aston shuffle and they did a cause they did a ministry compilation CD like we're talking about with bloody be true it's and they remixed each other and yeah we were like if two dudes from camera can be working with our idols and these gods like that then we were like surely we can at least give it a crack yeah and we did and it's funny because we actually got we got to play a show with Bob Riefer from yeah Webster Hall in New York City right he brought us out on stage and he because we told him how much he means to us and yeah he took that to heart and then told the whole crowd and we were like whoa yeah and he brought us out at the start of his set and like got him all to say clap clap you guys did good and that was cool and he kept flipping the microphone and then dropping it oh yeah it's like this party trick on stage he's like jumping around yeah I mean Bob Riefer if you're listening I love you yeah this is funny it was funny he's jumping up and down like jumping around he's got a microphone he's like you were laughing too we were all laughing and he's just like every time like he did it like maybe 14 times like a microphone that's turned on all the way when it hits the ground as hard as it can yeah and he did it like 14 times throughout the set and every time he went for it again we're like jump up onto the DJ booth and then launch the microphone and like really high like really high and then he jump up and grab it but it was very dark yeah and it's a good gag like it's it's a good gag if that's what 14 times it's a bit stale it's a bit stale by the by the 10th yeah but I loved everyone everyone's got their gimmick it was fun now you guys it's been interesting watching the rise I wouldn't say glow up because you've been real stayers I remember you end up getting towards like you kind of break out of the regional festivals you start hitting the the big headline you know capital cities and then you hit the state of origin you know what I mean you start that household stuff you start getting yeah where you're obviously promoters and entertainment industry is willing to back peeking duck as a as a household yeah like name yeah we asked this of most guests but when was the penny drop that oh shit my cousins mates know who we are yeah it's pretty it's really wild now like even did you first realize you're big shots yeah look there's one moment which obviously we were so far from a household name at this point but there was one really big leap for us which was the most noticeable leap and I think that was when we were at South by Southwest and we had just released the song high hmm and all the songs before that you know had maybe you know got a few plays here and there on triple j but while we're in the US for South by and and WMC in Miami we went over there you know as kids just to go check everything out and check everything out yeah everything like I'm guessing it was like a financial risk to South by Southwest oh yeah it was so expensive and you know the label wasn't gonna chuck in for us and you're on esta visas and you're legally in America totally it's not Rushmore sir yeah please don't find my USBs yeah we had sent back from the UK because he was holding CDs yeah you know Tyson generic yeah he was like detained in Heathrow Airport for like 12 hours because he had a CD wallet and then he was set home he had headphones and CDs they're like we know what you're up to he was detained with another DJ as well there was like another DJ in there and he's like what did they get you for oh yeah mate check out CD wallet what do you play garage garage of course but yeah wait yeah we're in South by and and while we were there like Anna our publicist at the time for Ministry of Sound she was Anna Fitzgerald love ya yeah she was working the record with Nova and today and kiss and you know radio stating it yeah you know seeding it out and we had no idea any of this was happening and then there was one moment where she was like guys I just got it added you know across the board to every station and we were like what yeah crazy and we didn't think like oh we're like is that a good thing or a bad thing because you know pop radio is that gonna kill us yeah not that we had any integrity in the first place but we were just like we've got Jackie oh yes please well you know we were like triple J are playing us does that mean triple J will stop play we didn't know what was going on for sure but we kind of overthink the selling out element a lot yeah like there was that moment when we flew direct from pretty much Miami to a gig in Perth and the song had been played for like four weeks across the board and all the like pop stations and that moment when we got to the gig in Perth was that was when it really was obvious that things had changed yeah there was a yeah we had played only up until that moment we'd only played gigs to you know really mounted blokes and they were really into like the heavy electro people like mungus and ourselves and you know it was you know always sweat fest fart night clubs like mad Monday shit yeah yeah yeah and things turned around that very day and we we rocked up to the club and like oh who else is playing like there was a line all the way around there was a line around the corner of people that we never thought would come to one of our shows yeah it was like people that were well-dressed and yeah it would look very presentable they heard you on the way to work yes exactly and that and then and the line was around the corner yeah and we're like so who's who's on tonight and they're like Jesse you guys and we're like what do you mean yeah like surely this is a gag I have to play for three hours just come from Miami yeah dude I'm tired it was crazy yeah so the song hi really changed everything and it didn't make us a household name or anything but it was like such a sizable leap from you know playing to around 15 to 20 mounted people per gig to playing to you know sold out packed massive venues yeah yeah and it was it was crazy so where did the production where did that start I mean obviously that was happening before South by Southwest yeah at what point did you say to each other it's time to stop yeah maybe we should do this in a studio and not our respective bedrooms well it's well we still we still do it in bedrooms I mean I write a lot of stuff on planes bedrooms anywhere like with laptops and VSTs and audio plugins you can do anything now just from a laptop which is I mean it's a great thing there's just more kids making more music but yeah computer music is the easiest way I can describe when someone goes what he's picking duck and I'm like like when Nan or Nan's friend or someone your nan shut up they're like so what kind of music is it yeah and I guess dance music they're like but like is it they don't understand so I have to I just say look the best thing I can explain is computer music yeah yeah we just make the music on a computer they're like oh so the computer makes it I'm like no we make it with the computer they're like so do you make the chords and it's like yes we can do the chords we can do every single part yeah well it's like you know people go home and computer music DJ's just press buttons it's like yeah what a pianist oh yeah thank you it's like people talk about sampling as well like that you know and they're like oh Sam like sampling you should make it more organic and make your own it's like why would I spend ten hours recording a snare drum and then it's a sample anyway yeah opposed to just getting a sample of a snare drum and putting it on the same or you could do you know what like every heavy band did in the 70s and just steal everything from blues yeah just be like maybe we should not make it about blues and make it about you know like drugs and fucking sex yeah yeah we could do what it is kind of crazy that isn't it how blues was just really jacked from its origins and yeah all this something else you could do what I'm able you could do what our guns and roses did and basically steal all of your music from Australian crawl dude Australian crawl are the shit yeah did they wait child of mine there's a original that was being played in the pubs of port C bro what's the song unpublished critics by strength let's do it yeah please do it I have lately I have been raving about Australian crawl oh wow the verses yeah so the pub rock scene was big in with no was was they were aware of it yeah and then you end up with a band like that that's a super group yeah created by a label dog sorry no push for you James I'm gonna open up a case on that yeah yeah open up the book wait should we do it right here right now yeah well we had James rain on here and we asked about it yes 100% that's what we believe really yes oh that's sick 100% I mean it's not sick but that's good that he was not bitter about it all he was fine with it real fans yeah real ones no real ones no they'd be real AC fans leathery old men in surf pubs down there all the old spray-painting tagging houses important Australian call did it first can't see done at first anyway so yeah your DJ's you make music through computers computers borrowing taking reappropriating yeah and how did we get to the stage where we were doing it on computers yeah I guess it comes back to we were wondering what the people were doing live when we saw bloody beet roots play at lot 33 in Canada we're like what are they doing and so it turns out what they were doing was spending their time and it took us a while to figure this out they were spending their time in the studio making the music so that when they got to the club all they had to do is you know play the song yep jump around jump around the microphone yeah I know but like how come if it's quite easy to do then why are there lots of DJs that come in pairs I mean you know you've got that's the thing it is like if it's so easy that then why do you need two of you to do it so asking us this is what ultimately yeah that you are a big thing master craft Aston shuffle again the white stripes I think you know I think it's a musical dynamic to have two people you can bounce ideas off each other and there's always a fresh set of years so if you're presenting an idea it falls on fresh years which always adds a new perspective and then you can grow from that I think if you hit a wall as one person it's hard to break through that yeah I think and just having someone to play it too also especially like back then it was like all right I'll play you this and then as soon as you start playing it you're like oh now I know all of its flaws you realize all the things that need fixing straightaway where you're on your own you just that's my next question during the pandemic one of you was overseas yes one of you within LA one of you was back in Australia what kind of places did you guys get to without that second opinion right next to you strange places dark places it's funny because the way that me and Reuben have always worked is like we'll present ideas to each other and then if we fuck with them with them we'll build on them yeah so whenever I mean we have written a lot of songs from scratch together totally but uh a lot of the time it's kind of like we'll go away work separately and then present an idea and be like do you dig this oh that bass line is cool we could do that with a different drum beat we could speed it up we can you know it's kind of like we remix each other's ideas and then once we're both on that same wave then we'll really come together and do the really annoying shit right at the end yeah it's like oh yeah just tweak this and then I will just make a little perfect little gap so then you can ninja yes very far from rock-and-roll yeah far cry can you explain what mastering is no one can the industry knows if anybody listening to this can explain what mastering is please send an email to the tutor advocate it's just on the invoice that they give to the label at the end straight up it's a big cahoots we got Sony in the corner what is mastering is that just a cash cow Sony doesn't know what mastering is so when I ask about it and I keep asking about it I was talking to Cassian who's a legendary mix engineer anyone knows it's Cassian yeah by the way this guy's a sound he mixes all of Rufus's stuff which is sounds just pristine sounds lovely I was talking to him about and he's like dude they don't and I'm like wait I'm like surely they are and he's like I mean they are but like it comes down to the mix yeah the mix down is more important than the master the mix down is everything a master to me it's making a song louder without a clipping and distorting yeah but yeah I mean I enough expensive our board gear gear or and outboard gear then you just sort of get this mastering chain and it's sort of set and then you you've got this really expensive 50 grand mastering chain you can charge everyone 500 bucks a pop and just run song through it without changing any settings yeah it'll just make this song a bit louder it's like on this right here like say that those audio tracks like that's the song you got your mastering chain on like the master channel yeah which just goes across everything you just run the song through that bounce it out send it off and charge you know maybe more so I think sometimes it's more yeah some people charge crazy rest in peace he was great though and I go what's he doing with this master he was great no one knows man it's a mystery of the industry yeah they're just like I'd maybe they're just scam in the whole game shout out to him so maybe not now almost have any firepower remember firepower tablets that you'd put in your petrol tank and it'd make your fuel last longer whoa is that a thing yeah they I think they sponsored the Raiders I think firepower that was that one of the great frauds dude that is a great great hustle tablets in the camera too made by camera milk like every good made it was made in fish week like every good rod it came out of camera holy dooley yes I guess I'm gonna try it like swoop back to our origins of learning how to do laptop music real give him the origin story just really have to shout out this guy who was his name is Ben Colin and we saw this guy DJing around Canberra and we heard his music and his music production levels were so far above and beyond everyone else in Canberra at least and so we would hit him up and we're like hey and by that stage we were DJing at parties and putting on parties and we're like we want to book you for a DJ set and he was like cool man and then we booked him he went he rocked up and played and then at the set we're like hey you want to get in the studio and then this is when our lives changed forever we went and watched him making songs and that was it we just sat back watching there was no like Ableton school back then there was no one could teach you anything except for piano yeah we used to sit on his bed and watch him for hours and hours just watching him move that cursor back and then move shit around once spent 24 hours watching him compress a snare drum yeah which in hindsight it's like never do that but it's like that's all part of it is yeah it's like at that time we were just like wow yeah what's going on how is this happening and that was definitely an integral part of it all yeah sure and the weed made the time go by very fast yeah when you're stoned as well everything's just like you know it could be 20 seconds or 20 hours you know oh well that's done good well now you know in Canberra it's perfectly legal you can grow you can grow plants like you can lots of them grow your own hooter down there yeah two plants each two plants each is that is fully legal in a share house you know out the back of Belconnen or something that'd be fucking 10 or 20 plants dude yeah it's definitely Belko they'd be fucking there would be so many weed plants and Kaylene I bet if they did like a survey on how many weed plants there are per capita in the suburbs of Canberra came up number one brings a new meaning to the Bush capital am I right now Ruben doesn't say one time Ruben said in an interview that he hasn't shaved his pubes in a while and then Daily Mail did a whole article on it you remember that yeah I don't understand Bush Daily Mail very clever stuff that's highbrow click it dog they're gonna click this yeah giant people read that article man yeah yeah two people read the article it was me and Ruben we don't descend to clickbait at this news organ real shit yeah not yet not yet so tell us where you're at now you've figured out how to make music yeah we figured out how to be a part that was a big step up for you to you know was that six months is that the longest since you were little boys since we were little boys well it's funny cuz I'm we've been apart a bit now like location wise yeah I moved to Melbourne about three and a half years yeah right okay and then we open up a pub there yeah we did it was fun it's still there it's killing it is that the one with the we've got a mixer in there is that the pub down there we can make music in there whoa nah that sounds sick though that one opened up down there yeah that's a fun what's the bar that you opened up and left we've abandoned I think it's still there it is still there and it's still it's like post COVID saved it to be honest so weirdly you know it's in Iran they still haven't really opened it again yet properly so everyone's been just going out in Peran but all the neighboring pubs have closed due to the pandemic so they kind of don't have anywhere else to go except us it's really smart marketing that we've calculated and executed a finally lots of guys called it's called talk to me it's in South yazza and it's it's a fun time but we've been apart for a while now but so every time we come together now it's actually way dope but cuz yeah yeah we get in the studio I feel like the music that we write together is better and also we just have a fun time yeah yeah you know you're not sick of each other yeah yeah yeah totally so new music out now right chemicals came out the other day yep hmm was this the first song that kind of origins it originated with you know the two of you in different countries no this one actually was the result of a session we actually did together after Adam had been living in Melbourne for a bit yep and I was living in Sydney and Sarah Aaron's was in Melbourne at the time and she'd just gotten back from LA and was happy to do a session yep and we wrote fire with her in LA okay and so we really loved her and her writing process and she's just a legend in every way shape and form and so don't yes so talented also we met Tim Heidecker during our session with her in LA so we're just like this girl is the best luck of all time we were actually quoting Tim Heidecker in this pizza restaurant we were going go spooky it like doing all the Tim and Eric shit and he walked like say like you're Pat our man and he walked right behind him and I was like that looks like Tim Heidecker and I was like wait this is LA this must be Tim Heidecker the guy that we're just impersonating walked in straight up and he would have heard it too and he kind of looked over and I was like oh whoa this is crazy and like we quote him every day like he's the funniest dude in the world and he came over and talked to us for a while but we saw Sarah as like a good luck charm yeah a reverse omen yeah she can summon funny people at any given second our favorite comedians Adam Sandler walks in What are those? Well come on grandma Jack and chill so yeah we got in the studio with her again in Melbourne and we're at the Sony Studios and it was so weird we were jamming on like this keyboard but the keys were really tiny and it would things were not right from the start it was a cloudy day and the speakers were working on were like maybe two inches by four inches there was something real weird about the studio that day but it's since improved I know yeah but uh yeah at the time I'm good yeah we were like yeah let's just get this going and just try and make something Ruben was working on some chords and I was working on some drums and Sarah just did her magic and she's just like it's crazy to watch her work she brings a notepad and a pen she just like comes up with melody lyrics idea concept all within a matter of five minutes or so every time if she if she's feeling it yeah and then you know we'll be like I'll maybe change that word maybe change this melody here and she'll try everything she'll be like yeah better okay cool just like straight on yeah that's why she's like the best like she writes for all the top artists in America now it's crazy and she's something to say about that kind of speed of like relentlessness like if you've only written it in the last ten minutes you're not attached to it yeah where if you you know a bit slower you may be working on the melodies 15 years on the second verse okay well we've got Sony in the corner here and I'm saying this now she gives me a thumbs up as I say we're gonna finish this episode with Peeking Ducks new song chemicals out now you might be able to catch him before before Adam fucks off back to America but yeah thank you for joining us today fellas it's thank you for having us thank you very much for having us thanks for coming all the way up here boys mate long trek but it was worth it all right let's go let's go let's go drink some strong zero yep I can't wait any more I've been waiting for you all night Can't get you to stay When night calls and chemicals I'm lying awake Can't call you anymore Can't wash you away Lights off Forget it all Can't get you to stay When night calls and chemicals It's sinking in It's sink or swim I can't explain Driving away See you on my face I don't know where you've been You got home all right Cause love takes you twice Are you okay I'll give you space But I'm on my way If you wanna be mine Wherever you are And I'll try Wherever you are I can't wait anymore I've been waiting for you all night Can't get you to stay When night calls and chemicals I'm lying awake Can't call you anymore Can't wash you away Lights off Forget it all Can't get you to stay When night calls and chemicals I'll get you to stay Washing away I'll get you to stay chemicals |
cracked | gilligan_s_island_mary_ann_busted_and_more_spitzer_3_12_0 | It's Wednesday, March 12th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman. In wildlife news, bird watchers gathered in Scotland earlier this week to see a rare red-rummed swallow, but were horrified, this is true, to see it snatched and eaten by a hungry hawk mid-flight. New York state governor, Elliot Spitzer, of course, doesn't have to travel to Scotland to see a red swallow, he just pays a little bit extra. Britney Spears will appear in a small role on CBS's hit, How I Met Your Mother. I of course met your mother when I called Elliot Spitzer and asked him for a recommendation. And in entertainment news...
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a traffic stop, a tale that involves Mary Ann and a highway traffic cop. Mary Ann was driving herself home from a big birthday bash, but the party only just begun by said three ounces of hash, three ounces of hash. Her driving became more erratic now, the car it nearly crashed, it's hard to keep, but has all the will when you're trying to hide your stash, trying to hide your stash. The cop and governor took her to the county jail for a while, for possession of marijuana. She couldn't walk a straight line, for this crime. She took a plea deal with the state for some probation time. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back tomorrow for a funnier ending than this one. And if you give us a dig, I'll give you five dollars. |
cracked | the_stupidest_logical_fallacy_ever | When I was in the 8th grade, I liked this girl. As things go in the 8th grade, word got around. After she found out, she said, I'd go out with Jeff.
If he got a haircut. I had bad hair. Never did get that haircut.
Never did ask her out. Because I'm an idiot. But suppose bad hair me had asked her out. She might have said yes, and I probably would have been confused.
But I thought you said I needed to get a haircut. Yeah, you do in general. But that was just a sufficient condition for us to go out. Not a necessary one. Now put on this hat and let's go out. Suppose there was another girl that I liked who said, go out with Jeff. Well, only if he gets a haircut. And then I get this sweet ass haircut, and I ask her out, and she says, let me think about it. Well, why not? I got this sweet ass haircut. Well, you see, Jeff, that was a necessary condition for us to go out. Not a sufficient one. But now that you got the haircut, I can consider your proposal and get back to you. Go out with Jeff if he gets a haircut. Go out with Jeff only if he gets a haircut.
These are two distinct logical statements that often get confused. Like in The Matrix.
The Oracle tells Trinity that she will fall in love with the one. This means that Trinity falling in love with someone is a necessary condition for that person to be the one. But it doesn't mean that it's a sufficient condition. Despite this, Trinity falling in love with Neo plays as confirmation that he has to be the one. You can't be dead. But that's not the prophecy. Maybe Trinity falls in love all the time. Maybe Neo's not the one, and he dies, and she falls in love with the real the one later on. You will fall in love with the one does not mean love, therefore, the one.
Remember Boris from The Wire? Boris. Why are you always Boris? The cops catch him on The Wire saying this.
Did he have hands? Did he have a face? Yes. Then it wasn't us. Later on, they present it as evidence that he was involved in a murder. According to his statement, no hands, no face is a necessary condition for Boris to be involved in a murder. But it's not a sufficient one. Hands face, not us, doesn't mean no hands, no face was us. But Boris is compelled to confess, in part because of this evidence. Even though a body showing up like that isn't a highly unlikely unique to Boris occurrence.
It even happened to this guy from The Matrix. In that other show. Why bother nitpicking this logic? The Matrix is a great movie. The Wire is the best TV show.
Who cares? Well, I know of one person who really fucking cares. This is Ryan Holly.
After a one day trial, he was sentenced to life in prison because he let his roommate borrow his car. The prosecutor argued that Ryan knew his roommate was going to use the car for a robbery. A robbery that ended in murder. Ryan admits he had overheard Billy and others talk about burglarizing the home of Jessica Snyder, Billy's girlfriend.
There was no reality in my mind that this was something that could actually happen. Absolutely not. If Jessica was there, she might be harmed.
But he also told investigators many times that he didn't think they were serious. Yeah, he said that. And that's up to the jury to decide.
When the murder occurred, Ryan was at home and asleep. No car, no murder was the argument that convinced the jury that Ryan was an important accomplice. There was no car, there was no crime. No crime, no murder. With the felony murder rule, Ryan got a life sentence.
So everyone is treated like the trigger man. Correct. Even if they didn't pull the trigger. Absolutely.
If you believe no car, no murder, it kind of sounds like car, therefore murder. But that's wrong. And his car didn't guarantee that the robbery was going to go down. If you miss this illogical leap in the Matrix, you might have also missed it at Ryan's trial. Not only that, no car, no murder isn't even true. For it to be true, a lack of permission to use Ryan's specific car would have had to cause the roommate and his accomplices to permanently abandon their plans for the robbery, seeking no alternate means of transportation. Didn't Ryan's defense point this out?
She never objected to anything. The families always say that.
Basically, when somebody gets convicted, it becomes the attorney's fault. But simplicity sells an argument. The fact that he was sentenced to life in prison is a gross injustice. Well, 12 jurors disagreed with you and found him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
Let me just finish.
No car, no murder. I knew you were going to bring this up, Bob. You think that the one thing that stood in the way of this group of people trying to rob this woman was transportation? They would have gotten there anyway. And this flawed, illogical argument is oddly persuasive. There's something to say about that no car, no murder. They can't get over there.
Ryan is in prison because his prosecutor exploited a bug in human cognition to convince a jury that Ryan's role in the murder was much more significant than it actually was. Ryan Hawley's life sentence was reduced to 25 years. He remains incarcerated to this day. |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_spell_a_witch_could_curse_you_with | Today's question is, what is the worst spell a witch could curse you with?
Today I'm joined by Zachary Yama, Rafael Chastain, and Mary Sasson. Hello all the people. Mary, would you like to begin? I would, thank you.
My answer to what is the worst spell a witch could curse you with is fart announcement, meaning that every time that you fart, your butt shouts your name, thereby giving away who did it. Most rooms that I'm in, I'm the only one with my name. Okay, so you're saying me as Mary, I have at least a chance that a couple older women could say, uh-oh, who did it? Exactly. I'm lucky with Katie, everybody's name is Katie. Yeah, it's going to come from your butt, I will say, so people also, you have to be more... Would it be my voice? No, I think it just is a voice shouts, Katie!
Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah.
But then, is it also a fart, though? Is it recognizable as a fart? I think you fart, you make the pfft sound, a beat, Mary, and so maybe a strategy could be that if you're going in a room and you know you just had Brussels sprouts, you find a Katie.
Yeah! So you hope... I stand next to her. You stand next to a Katie and really try to throw her under the bus. I'll be like, ew!
Play it big.
Oh my god! You ever cough when you fart? I feel like I would like cough, and then cough again real fast. You don't have the timing?
Just as loud as you can find. This is also, I have found that I think we teach women to fart silently. That's why I think that this would be especially harmful, because I have learned how to make silent farts.
Yes. And if I'm kind of tilting to the side, trying to be all coy, and then all of a sudden, a beat later, Mary! Oh god. This is where an alias might come into play. Yeah, yeah. Because if you're somebody like... You can always introduce yourself as like, oh, I'm Tina. So then when my butt shouts, Mary? Yes! Then you're like, I don't know where there's a Mary. I wonder if you could juke the witch that way.
Would the witch be like, no, if you introduce yourself as Tina, your butt's shouting Tina. My name is Catherine. Does it shout Catherine or Katie? Exactly, because everyone calls me Katie. No one knows I'm a Catherine. I think maybe because it's the worst spell a witch could cast, I would say the witch knows to shout Katie.
Yeah. This is a savvy spell. Yeah.
I mean, it's the worst one. Also, just to clarify, when you say the worst spell a witch could curse you with, you mean the most effective, like what would be the worst for you, or what would be like a shitty spell for a witch to curse you? No, no, no, no. The worst for you.
What did you write? Did you not do this right? What did you write?
Please go ahead. No, no, it's okay. I'm just so curious. Oh, that's me now? Yeah, it's your turn.
My first idea is constant urine sensation. So the witch curses you with a spell that you will constantly feel like urinating. Like you have to urinate when you are peeing your pants.
No, but you don't know. You don't know. How would you know?
I know when I'm peeing my pants, and I know when I just have to pee. Yes, there's a big difference. Because I'm a grown-up. You don't know if you're peeing or if you're not peeing? Let me clarify. I think that you... Like a bad dream? I think you want it to be, you constantly really feel like you've peed, because then you can't tell. I don't know, wait, no, it's not that you have to pee really bad, because that's also not good. No, that's not good, but you would know I haven't peed. I wouldn't hear what he thinks this means. Yeah, let's hear.
I don't think you know. You don't know.
Because if this is constantly like, oh, I'm starting to pee my pants, that's one thing. Yes. No, it's a feeling of a stream, a steady stream is being released from your body. I like that, because you wouldn't know. And you constantly feel that, and so you don't know. What a nightmare.
I would live in a pool. I win. I would live in a pool.
No, we still have many more to go. We have six more answers. Okay. Yeah.
Constant urinating stream. So you're sitting where you're sitting right now, and you have a feeling that you're urinating yourself.
I think that's just called being an old person. Yeah, that's so sad.
I would get a catheter. Yeah, I think that would suck too. Oh, you could just get a catheter. Could you wear a diaper? Yeah. I think I would wear a diaper and get a catheter. I would just always wear a diaper.
You're on a date. You're at your wedding.
Wear a diaper. What if you just go pee? And I know you feel that, but you're not worried about the fact that maybe you're peeing again. Can you not control when you are peeing? Because otherwise I would just set an alarm and every hour I go pee.
Yeah. Okay.
I don't think Raphael thought this through. I don't think he knows at all. Another question I have is- I thought it was supposed to be the worst spell.
Do you get- You know how it's satisfying to finish peeing, and to some extent, you're done with that business? Do you get a feeling of satisfaction all the time?
No.
No satisfaction. You only feel the feeling of, oh, well, I guess that is the worst. I still don't understand the distinction you're making with the worst spell and the worst spell. It seems like I still don't get what you're talking about. I mean, I already won. Mary clearly said this was a nightmare. You didn't.
We have so many more to go. Oh my God. Dear God, I can't have you on this show anymore.
Hello, Zach. Would you like to go ahead? Hello, Katie. Hi.
Yes, well, my first answer for what is the worst spell a witch could cast on you is you're always floating, and you're always floating like 30 feet in the air. Interesting. So not the feeling of floating, but actually floating? You are floating.
Oh, that sucks. How do you get food? Yeah, that's a really bad one. You could- People throw it up to you. Yeah. You can't calm down. You're always at that height. Yeah, that's pretty bad.
30 feet. 30 feet specifically.
And you like can't hear anyone? Like you're like always like, what? Aw.
You can't really hang out with people unless they- How could you have a baby? You just- You couldn't. I don't think this is that bad. You couldn't make a baby like that? You cannot make a baby like that.
30 feet in the air? How could someone stick outside of a window?
Yeah. I think if you're always 30 feet in the air, you just always talk to people on the third floor. Yeah. If my husband wants to talk to me, he goes to the third floor and we hang out. Yeah, we can't go to a park together, but he could call me on his phone. You can put him on a string and he could be a kite. Can I hold him? You could hold them, but you feel the weight of it. So it's like, it's not like you're weightless and you make them weightless. It's like hard. Okay. Yeah, I'm always talking out of the third floor. Yeah.
This person cannot go into an elevator. That would kill them. They're being elevated. It can't go into an elevator. But it would murder them. Because if they went into an elevator- What does this person need an elevator for?
To go higher than 30 feet. If you wanted to go higher than 30 feet. They would climb. I'm saying- No, no, no. This says you're always floating at 30 feet. I know, but you could go higher. Right? You can't go higher than 30 feet. You're stuck at 30 feet.
Oh, so you can have- So you don't even get this. You can't- And also, this is not flying. You can't go like- Right. Yeah, not in the air.
You're just kind of like- I say that if somebody needs me on the sixth floor, I say, look, I got this weird condition. Meet me on the third and we'll talk. Yeah, yeah. That's good. What's going on? This is my disability.
What if you want to go to a movie theater? You probably can't see movies until they come out and you have to watch them on like an iPad.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's private theater. That's true.
Or sometimes villages will have screenings. Villages. Towns, cities, things of that nature will have- What year is it?
My first idea. Pregnant with touch. Here's the thing, guys. I don't want to be pregnant. Why did you motion to Zach? What about you? I mean, that would be really bad for me, I think, if I was pregnant. For me, the worst thing possible was a man touches you anywhere, even a little like this. A brush.
You get pregnant. So you're constantly pregnant. And you're pregnant with that man's baby.
Yeah. Well, you're crazy. It is crazy. It would be a terrible curse. But is it like, does like cloth stop it? Yeah, yeah. No, you're always- Can a woman make you pregnant or no, it's from a man?
I feel like we could maybe do a little- no, I don't know. You know what? I think that'd be cool. It'd be cool if everyone could do it. For equality, that's cool, but- That's really cool. You know what?
Women should be able to do this curse, Katie, too. I guess I was thinking like, because there's so many men in this world, and also like you're constantly even not meaning to, like you're going to bump into a dude that you don't know, and then you're going to be pregnant with his baby. My mom had eight kids. I think she had this curse.
Yes, she did. She totally did.
That's awful. Yes, you'd always have to be pregnant, you'd have a billion children, or you'd have to be getting abortions left and right. I was going to say, this doesn't sound like it's going to be the most fundamentalist Christian nice way of saying it. No. But I say you get pregnant for nine months, you're safe. Abort that baby. You abort that baby. No. I would abort the baby.
But does contraception solve this? No, it does not. I thought of that. Birth control does nothing.
A man touches you, you're pregnant. So you've got to become like a bubble lady. You have to be a bubble woman. You cannot. Maybe a woman-only island you can live on. You become an Amazonian. What happens when you have sex? You would have so many babies.
Zach, I can't wait for you to find out. What is it?
Can you wear like a suit of armor? Yeah. Can you walk around like a knight? No.
As I said, and I will now repeat myself, you are not safe. You can have 50 layers of sweaters on. A man, you're pregnant. You're also always trying to explain to maybe a man, hey. Don't touch me. I sound insane. But a month ago you ran into me outside the Metro exit. And now you're my baby daddy. And no, don't walk away.
That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. If you enjoyed it, I have fantastic news. There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Okay, I said go. Okay, fine, stay. Go!
I feel like also not being able to die is the worst thing that I can imagine. Yeah. I want to die someday. Eternal life? I don't want that. |
cracked | how_3d_printing_is_perfecting_sex_dolls_and_other_stuff | Much like a child with aggressive gigantism, 3D printers are growing up before our very eyes. Even today, they're already deep into the adolescent phase, growing smarter, stronger, and taking a keen interest in girls. Dildo, dildo, buttplug, keyboard dildo, fist dildo. Even the replicators from Star Trek bitterly feel their age as these young printers live out the shared dream of endless creation.
In fact, 3D printers are already stealing the hearts of prosthetic users. This man has recently replaced his $42,000 prosthetic hand with a new 3D printed one.
The cost? $50.
This new hand makes use of all five fingers, while the old prosthetic could only use three. And any avid masturbator could tell you the stark advantage of having all five fingers at your disposal.
Not to mention, a team of over 700 volunteer engineers are ready to tweak the design if the need ever rises.
And on the topic of shattered bones, 3D printed casts may soon be available to the very appreciative group of bonebreakers who don't want their arms to itch incessantly and smell like fart cheese. Aside from looking considerably cooler than the casts of yesteryear, scientists are working on models that pulse ultrasound waves to speed up healing by 38%. And with many of these models being waterproof, gone are the days where you miss an entire summer's worth of swimming because your asshole cousin thought it would be a great idea to aim the bike ramp directly at a tree. Yet plastic materials are only the beginning. Were they not dead, Vincent van Gogh and the unlikely cop from Reservoir Dogs might have shed a thankful tear for the newest printed creations. This 3D printed ear uses organic tissue and silver nanoparticles to function even better than normal human ears, much to the dismay of teenagers living with their sexually active parents. But gross parent sex aside, scientists are already working on fixing the organ donor shortage with printed kidneys and skin grafts.
We may not be too far off from walking down to the corner store to pick up some eggs, milk, and a new pancreas. And if that doesn't amaze you, keep in mind that the sex doll market is at the dawning of a disturbingly realistic age.
And one can only imagine the 3D successor of the classic penis drawn on a forehead prank. I'm sorry I made you imagine that.
Forever.
Even the replicators from Star Trek bitterly feel their age as these young printers live out the shared dream of endless creation.
In fact, 3D printers are already stealing the hearts of prosthetic users. This man has recently replaced his $42,000 prosthetic hand with a new 3D printed one.
The cost? $50.
This new hand makes use of all five fingers while the old prosthetic could only use three. And any avid masturbator could tell you the stark advantage of having all five fingers at your disposal.
Not to mention, a team of over 700 volunteer engineers are ready to tweak the design if the need ever rises.
And on the topic of shattered bones, 3D printed casts may soon be available to the very appreciative group of bonebreakers who don't want their arms to itch incessantly and smell like fart cheese. Aside from looking considerably cooler than the casts of yesteryear, scientists are working on models that pulse ultrasound waves to speed up healing by 38%. And with many of these models being waterproof, gone are the days where you miss an entire summer's worth of swimming because your asshole cousin thought it would be a great idea to aim the bike ramp directly to tree. Yet plastic materials are only the beginning. Were they not dead, Vincent van Gogh and the unlikely cop from Reservoir Dogs might have shed a thankful tear for the newest printed creations. This 3D printed ear uses organic tissue and silver nanoparticles to function even better than normal human ears, much to the dismay of teenagers living with their sexually active parents. But gross parent sex aside, scientists are already working on fixing the organ donor shortage with printed kidneys and skin grafts.
We may not be too far off from walking down to the corner store to pick up some eggs, milk, and a new pancreas. And if that doesn't amaze you, keep in mind that the sex doll market is at the dawning of a disturbingly realistic age.
And one can only imagine the 3D successor of the classic penis drawn on a forehead prank. I'm sorry I made you imagine that. |
ClickHole | what_is_the_meaning_of_teeth | The human body, it's one of the most boring things in the history of the world. From the eyes to the feet, nobody even cares about it at all.
But what about teeth? Open wide because it's time to choke on some knowledge with me right now on Learn Attack. The human mouth has 33 teeth in it, including the skull which is known as the mother tooth. Now I know what you're thinking, where can I sell my teeth for money online? Slow down there, partner. We've still got a lot to learn about teeth before we can think about selling them. For instance, did you know that when you die, your teeth actually continue to grow when they eventually get too long and bump into other dead people's teeth? That's where earthquakes come from.
But what about dentists? For much of human history, dentistry was looked down on as a profession. It was only when dentists started focusing their work on teeth that the public began to recognize their value. In order to practice dentistry, you need a special license that allows you to stick your fingers into people's mouths without being charged with espionage.
If you ever find mice in your mouth, call your dentist immediately. It could be the early sign of an infestation. Here's something cool. When you're born, you don't have any teeth. It can take years for babies to find their baby teeth because they could literally be anywhere. Under an old log, in a rain gutter, or even in the mouth of another baby. Generally speaking, teeth come in two sizes.
Big bag and medium bag.
Let's talk flossing. How important is it exactly? Well, there's some disagreement about this, but studies have shown that people who floss are five times more likely to be nicknamed the floss goblin than people who don't.
Trying to hide a stolen tooth? Nestle it in the groove between your collarbone and your neck where God can't see it. Nice. Hey, did you know that you can make up a song about teeth and sing it to yourself in your head? Cool.
So the question remains, what about teeth? Well, it's harder said than done, but teeth ultimately is about chewing. As the great ancient Greek physician Hippocrates famously said, teeth are always trying to bite me, and I hate that.
I've been David, and you just got attacked. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_great_Australian_Storytelling | the most unique thing we have in this country, and that's our indigenous culture, which is the longest existing continuous culture that we have on the planet. And also a culture of storytelling as well. It's all driven by story, and story which aren't just decorative or whatever. They are highly pragmatic. They really explain everything in the world and the universe, everything. And so I realise now that unconsciously, there are two cultures. The Greek storytelling culture, going back to the classic time, was inadvertently influential. The family storytelling culture.
I grew up with a twin brother. We were always telling each other stories. And then the broader cultural thing, and particularly living in this country, and getting to know, even when we were kids, I wasn't aware of it, but we went to school with indigenous kids and spent a lot of time in the bush with them. And I didn't really quite understand it then, but I since have got to understand it a lot more. And I think we in Australia do. Yeah. So story, story, we're hardwired for story.
And I've just been lucky enough to be spending most of my life still trying to figure out how to tell stories. Well, I think you figured it out, but I'd love you to keep trying as well. I'm gonna keep trying, yeah. |
TheOnion | New_Facebook_Feature_Scans_Profile_To_Pinpoint_Exactly_When_Things_Went_Wrong | Mark Zuckerberg and company have debuted a brand new feature that could change the way we use social media. Aaron Vaughn has more. First there was the news feed, then the timeline, then graph search. Now Facebook is rolling out their newest feature, LifePoint, which analyzes users' histories to determine exactly when things went wrong. The new feature combs through photos, status updates, likes, everything that you put on Facebook in order to pinpoint how someone irreparably ruined their life. For example, it might highlight your friend's spring break trip in 2003 when she took her first shot, or your cousin's engagement to a guy named Scott spelled with a K. For the past nine years, Facebook has served as a living record of our one billion users' horrible life choices. We have simplified the experience by distilling each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives began to unravel. I sat down with Facebook's Larry Hahn to find out how it works.
It's easy. Just log on to Facebook, find a friend's profile page, and then we click here. It's a status update that says, finally quit my job today, bye bye finance, Santa Fe, here I come. And you can use it on your own page as well? Of course. Let's see.
My LifePoint was breaking up with my girlfriend Kelly when I moved to California for work. She married one of her coworkers, but she's still the love of my life.
So Facebook knows that you'll never be that happy again. That's right. Some tech bloggers have already gotten the chance to check out the new feature. Only Facebook could design such an intuitive system where I can say, this person is my good friend, I want to see how their life got so pathetic.
You know, I was never really sure where things started going downhill for me. Then LifePoint reminded me that I got a Boondock Saints tattoo in college and I was like, oh yeah.
Have you ever posted a selfie and then deleted it two minutes later? Notice the slow degradation of this user's profile picture.
We can trace this trend back to their LifePoint. And one of LifePoint's most buzzed about features is the Life Compare function, which lets you see how your mistakes stack up to others. Here I'm overlaying my graph with a graph of a childhood friend. You can see his life ended up much worse than mine, which is great. And LifePoint isn't just for individuals, is that right? Right. You can use it for relationships too. While the old Facebook could tell you when the relationship ended, LifePoint can tell you when it fell apart. According to Facebook, anything with a profile has a LifePoint, so you can look forward to finding out when your favorite bands, TV shows and companies started going downhill. |
SaturdayNightLive | suze_orman_show_former_roommate_saturday_night_live | It's the Susie Orman show! welcome to the show, my dears and dairies. Halloween is coming up fast, ghoul friends. And don't be a dumb bum and waste your money on pricey treats for trick-or-treaters. do what I do. collect candy throughout the year from doctor's offices and nursing homes. put them in a bowl, and when you see those cute little bunions come up your driveway, turn off your porch light, turn on your sprinklers, and go enjoy that candy yourself while sitting in an empty hot tub. You're welcome.
Now I can't wait to tell you what happened to me on Sunday. I woke up late and immediately went out for a naked jog through my pumpkin patch. Four painful bosom shakes into the run, I realized I was late for a charity event I was hosting. So I quickly got dressed, ran down to the lake, hopped on my covered jet ski that turns into a motorcycle, and scooted on down to the Tampax Pearl Women's Business Expo. it was a magical evening raising a lot of money for women, for good ladies, who have small businesses and big periods.
But the best part was that I ran into a woman who was a real blast from my past. she was my very first roommate. I shared expenses with, during college, and after that. she's currently running a non-for-profit animal rescue, which, like many charities right now, is struggling. I asked her to join me today to see if I can help. Please welcome Roma Dunk. Hi Susie, thanks for having me on your show, you big shot. look at this big desk and your great lights and your great jacket. it is so good to see you Roma, you look terrific. And what is that scent you're wearing? um, it's a shampoo for severely damaged hair. Oh, I remember. Now Roma, don't hate me, I brought a picture of us when we were at Amelia Earhart Community College when we went to the Spring dance together. Oh yeah, gosh, those were good times, but it was a long time ago. that was just a phase for me, you know, Susie. gotta try everything once. a phase, for 12 years, on a single futon.
Well actually Susie, I'm married now, I have a husband, and I'm straight. have you told that to your haircut and your crocs? So, back to you giving me financial advice, Okay, it's been hard to keep my animal rescue going. going like down a river, a river like Denial. yeah, well, money's been tight, but I have two jobs. I charter fishing trips for women in the military on a boat that I named the Ss Tuna Schooner. still sticking with the phase thing, huh? And during the week I have a street cart that sells cat collars and Wnba bobbleheads. you are digging yourself a big one sister. let's continue. Susie, I love my husband very much, And you can ask anyone on my softball team. Strike three,: you're gay.
Susie, I'm here to talk about my animal rescue. we focus on saving the lives of water birds. you're right. And the name of it is? The Indigo Gulls. And we're currently looking for a good home for this female duck. oh, but a doll baby. And what is her name? Meredith Quackster Burney.
Well, this is fun. I should go. my husband and I have plans. come on, let's go, Frank. speak for yourself, Miss Girl. I'm having scones in the green room with Susie's hairdresser and he's teaching me how to crunk. Susie, who am I kidding? I'm gay and I feel great. Well, you look like a million dollars. and you look like a vajillion dollars. there's the Roma Dunk, I remember. Well, it was great having you here, and I will see you at my next Sports Bra Fashion Week party.
And remember everyone, it's people first, then money, then things, then reconnecting with old friends. Bye-bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | joker_wedding_snl | And, Dooney, no matter come hell or high water, I'm gonna love you till I got no more love to give. I swear that to you. whatever. that was a beautiful patch. Now, if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now. or forever. hold your peace.
Yeah, I got a reason. Babe, what are you doing? Just saying. I don't know.
I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dressed like Joker. you don't like me dressed like Joker? No, Clint, I don't like it. I know we're getting married on Halloween night, but I don't like you being dressed like Joker. I thought I could dress like Joker. Clint, I told you multiple times we wasn't doing costumes at the wedding. yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker. I know, but I said not to. but I said I was gonna dress like Joker. I know, but when you said you were gonna do that, I said I did not do that. Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker. you ruined my wedding, Clint. I ruined your whole wedding on account because I dress like Joker? Yeah, Clint, when I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband's best man wasn't dressed like Joker.
I'm ready, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker. Dooney, Baby. Dooney, please.
I don't want to change out of Joker. Come on, Clint. you're my best friend. you know I've been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I started. You know, I've been wanting to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween, when I saw him, I dressed like Joker. I said, make sure I'm gonna dress like Joker. Well, I don't want you to be Joker no more, Clint. Well, I do want to be Joker, Dooney.
I think everybody in here should get the vote on it. If I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more. fine. we'll all vote on it. No, Pat. well, he's right, Dooney. if everybody else wants to still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.
Well, then I guess I don't want to be bridegroom no more. I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we getting married on Halloween night. we got to respect that.
Some people gonna show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. this place could have been crawling with Jokers, Dooney. it's settled then. by the power vested in me by the state of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker. All right. Cousin Becca, Do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker? Clint, on the one hand, I understand that it is Halloween night, and on Halloween night, you should get to be Joker. Thank you. But if Dooney don't want to be Joker so much that she won't marry Pat's No More, then my vote is that you should not get to be Joker. Thank you, Cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, Are you pro-joker or no-joker? Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom. me too, Uncle Tag. However, given that it is Halloween Night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker. Gamut Judy, it's down to you. should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?
You make the most beautiful breakfast scene.
Thank you, Gamut Judy, that's a seat. And Clint, you know I never liked you. you are a skunk in an alcoholic, but I'll be damned if you don't look exactly like Joker. Thank you, Gamut Judy, I will cherish that. Gamut Judy, have you made your decision? |
dropout | water_balloon_vs_cologne_balloon_game_show | Hi, I'm Pat. These are my friends and this is water balloon or cologne balloon Here's how the game works the contestants go head-to-head playing Russian roulette with these six balloons Five of the balloons are filled with water But one of them nobody knows which is filled with the worst liquid known to man cologne The contestant who pops that balloon over their head is eliminated The round is over and worst of all they go home smelling like a Russian nightclub First round is Emily versus Murph and Emily I'm afraid that you're going first So get those goggles on and pick one of these six mystery balloons Is this going to clash with a cologne you're already wearing? I hope this is going to go with gun steel Just water Maybe somebody made a mistake right? You don't have to do this. It's not Nazi Germany. You can just not do it Alright next round is Mike versus Adam Here we go Oh you know what comes with confidence? See you next time That's water man. I'm going to smell good little piggy Water, it's water Have fun being covered with winter Cologne? If you're... That one's every the cologne Yo, we're going out buddy As we head into our final round Emily won the first trap won the second round Adam and Murph have been eliminated But guess what guys you're going to have a chance to redeem yourselves because right now we're going to have a losers only round Get back in the table It already smells like shit Water Hope you like what this place caught over This is just getting third Alright I'm going over the frog That's smelling screwed Get back in the office This is definitely the cologne Yo your dick is ruined Oh it smells so good For like the first time in years I feel fresh This is it our championship round Emily versus Mike and Mike you're up first Don't be an Adam Water, it's water Alright Go Emily I don't need the water I'm my biggest fan club Peace It's water I kind of want Emily lose only because Like as little utility as it has for us It has a little less for you Are you kidding me I'm picking up babes the whole walk Number six Number six Water It's just water It's just water This is it Mike Two blues left After this one we will know who's getting covered in cologne But it's so small it really makes me nervous That's right be nervous That's cologne buddy You're dead One, two, one Cologne, it's cologne I'm gonna carry one That's our game Be congratulations to our winner Emily Axford Who receives our grand prize Cologne Nobody goes away empty handed on water balloon or cologne balloon We have these lovely consolation prizes for you Shower caddies I'll swish with anyone Hey thanks for watching And if you liked the video Click the cologne bottle And subscribe to our YouTube channel What? This is good Come on Good stuff That's crazy |
SaturdayNightLive | jnco_longs_snl | All right, two lemon cokes and a whiskey. anything else? Nah, man, I think we're good. Cool. Oh, my God, is that Chuck? Oh, yeah, I haven't seen him in, like, a year or something. he looks great. Hey, Chuck, come over here. hey, what's up, guys? you tell us. you've got this, like, super magnetic vibe going on. yeah, everyone in here is, like, checking you out.
Oh. yeah, it's, uh, it's probably just my Jnco laws. Jnco Longs? The new Jnco Longs from Jnco are made with old Jnco jeans, but instead of being wide and baggy, all the extra fabric is redistributed lengthwise to the calf and shin areas. that's what makes them longs, Jnco Longs. maybe.
I don't know. I feel like there's something else.
Oh, I got it. you're taller, right? right. Yeah, you used to be a smaller dude, and now you're, like, six foot six or something. you're probably just confused by my Jnco Longs. You know, after all, Jnco Longs do give me the confidence to conquer everything from the brutes of the boardroom to the babes at the beach. wait, did you have that surgery? What surgery? Oh, yeah, that new surgery where they break your legs in half and somehow make you taller. Oh, that's a real thing. I read about that. break your legs doesn't sound like surgery to me.
Whoa, wait, wait. Chuck, the last time we saw you, you kept saying you needed 100 grand to transition. Is this the transition? Dude, seriously? you did a whole kickstarter for identity-confirming surgery. even as a kid, I always felt like I was born into the wrong body, and that's where you guys come in. right, so where are you going with this? Chuck, you can't call that a transition. But it is. the transition to being the real me. six foot six. I'm spinning right now. Okay, let me explain.
Jnco Longs are made from old Jnco jeans, but instead. you basically stole a bunch of money, dude. it's like fraud or something. I forwarded that kickstarter to my whole family, and they're dirt poor. What do you want from me? my Jnco Longs? you gotta get your own. No, dude, we want our money back.
Fat Chance. Oh, my God, Chuck. all of this. So what? you could dunk a basketball or something? pretty girl. not so smart. don't touch my face, ever. You know, I'm actually not allowed to run, jump, or even step on bugs. Why? Because most of my legs aren't bone anymore. Okay, genius? from my knee to my ankle, it's all paper mache and snail shells, and nails shatter if I don't act right. And that makes you happy?
Hell, I'd do anything for my Jnco Longs. Jnco Longs. |
TheOnion | Yosemite_On_Lockdown_After_Bear_Spotted_In_Park_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_20 | Yosemite National Park has been closed indefinitely. What this means for your shitty little family vacation.
And scientists believe they've found the gene connected to left-handedness. Could a cure be next?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. You're addicted to news, and we've got the best stuff in town. Stay with us. The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store.
It's the easiest way to send and receive money. And if I ever get invited anywhere, I'll use Cash App to pay everyone back. I promise. It might take a few days, but I'm good for it. You know me. Come on. It'll be fun. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
The National Park Service today abruptly announced that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses spotted a bear on the grounds. OPR correspondent Remy Berglund reports from Yosemite. Remy, thanks for joining us. My pleasure. Tell us what led to this sudden shutdown. Well, park ranger Derek Osmond was on his morning rounds near Yosemite's Hogden Meadow region when the incident occurred. Here he is describing exactly what he saw in his own words.
It was a bear! My god, what kind of bear? A really big bear! We see a lot of wildlife out here. Chipmunks, squirrels, turtles, but a real life bear? This poses a huge threat to the other animals and their habitats.
I am sure they're all scared shitless, just like the rest of us. Oh, scary.
Remy, what steps are park officials taking to deal with this emergency? Well, orders came down immediately from the NPS to evacuate the entire park. All campers and hikers have been escorted to the exits, and those located in more remote locations were airlifted out by helicopter. Every road into and out of the park has since been blocked off, and animal control has just arrived.
And how are guests reacting to the news? For the most part, they seem very understanding of the severity of the problem and the need to cut their visits short. I spoke with a few, and here's what they had to say.
I think closing the park is definitely the right thing to do. I mean, what if there's more than one bear in there? I am never coming back here. I don't care that the bear was spotted 50 miles away from here. My family and I could have died. I've seen it with my own eyes.
The beast was big as a tank with a coat as black as death. Its fur matted with the blood of its last victim. It let out a terrifying howl that would put the fear of God in you. Its teeth sharp as ice picks.
And as the moon waned, the creature shape-shifted back into a man. I'm sorry, the bear shape-shifted? Bear? No, the werewolf. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you saw the bear. I'm the bear.
As you just heard, people are concerned, and the mood here remains tense. Right now authorities are having trouble convincing a team to even go into the woods to look for it. And frankly, I can't blame them. You'd have to be fucking crazy to sign a death wish like that. Right.
So it seems that Yosemite could be closed for quite some time. What will the National Park Service do if they can't track down the bear? If attempts to find and tranquilize the animal fail, officials are prepared to smoke the bear out by setting the park's entire 1,100 square miles on fire.
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. Thank you, Remy. Thank you. BEAR! Remy, I'm sorry, would you mind hanging up now? We have another segment we need to get to. Remy, can we cut him off or something? Great. Thank you, Remy. We look forward to further updates on this story. Help.
I am being molested. I repeat, I am being molested. Please notify the police.
What you're hearing is the brand new anti-theft car alarm system that comes pre-installed in all new Chrysler models rolling out this year. So far it's been garnering praise from consumers as a deterrent to vehicle break-ins, but is it worth the hype? OPR automotive reporter Andrew Dillard went to find out. Can you show me how it works? I'm at the Chrysler headquarters in Auburn Hills, Michigan, where engineer Chris Bullock is showing me just how sensitive the new Chrysler Bad Touch 350 Plus car alarm really is. Sure, just pull the handle.
Molester!
Tests have shown that bystanders are more likely to call the police when they hear the Bad Touch than any other car alarm in its class, but that's not the only reason it's receiving praise. While other alarms drone on and on with the same sound over and over, the Bad Touch 350 Plus has an alert system that gets louder and more urgent.
Diddler! I am only a child! Hmmm... Diddler! Interesting! I see how that...
Good response, Ty, right? Ugh, yeah, very effective. But do consumers agree?
I tracked down some Chrysler drivers to see how the innovative security system works outside the showroom and out on the road. I see you have the new Chrysler Pacifica minivan. How do you like the pre-installed alarm? Oh, I wouldn't get too close.
And some people are even saying the device works too well. Yeah, I accidentally locked my keys in the car, so I tried to fish them out through the window, and now I'm a registered sex offender. And the best part? Reports of actual child molestations in the area have gone down as well. Though the Auburn Hill Police Department is concerned that could be due to people incorrectly assuming that a real child crying out for help is just a car alarm. But either way, Chrysler shows no signs of slowing down and is even planning to release a deluxe version of the Bad Touch 350 Plus, offering consumers an even bigger catalog of sexually graphic accusations to keep the most vulnerable automobiles safe and secure.
Never mind everybody, I am safe now. For OPR, I'm Andrew Dullard. The Topical is brought to you by SimpliSafe. You don't have SimpliSafe. I know because I broke into your home today and checked. If you had SimpliSafe, you would have known that and I'd be in police custody right now. A two-time winner of CNET Editor's Choice Award, SimpliSafe has everything you need in a home security system. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you when I'm approaching your home. Entry motion and glass break sensors guard against me from snooping around inside and making myself a sandwich.
Oh, and by the way, you're out of toilet paper. Hey, hey! Be cool, man. If you wanted to hear more news, all you had to do was ask. Just take it easy. Jeez. Here you go.
Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is already outpacing other Super Tuesday candidates in campaign spending by hundreds of millions of dollars. And that number is expected to grow today following his $275 million purchase of Pete Buttigieg. The former New York City mayor finalized the acquisition of the current South Bend mayor for what Bloomberg is calling, quote, a pretty good deal.
Starbucks is doing their part to help the environment. The coffee chain announced today that it would be discontinuing all plastic coffee by 2021. And other chains are following suit, with Dunkin Donuts also announcing they would be eliminating all plastic donuts and crullers by next year.
And finally, we at OPR would like to issue an apology. Yesterday, we reported that there was an active shooter at a gun range in Houston, Texas. And while that was technically accurate, we are retracting this story and would like to express our deepest condolences to the gunman's family and his loved ones. As always, we'll try to do better tomorrow.
Safe and secure. So, Chris, the system sounds like it's a big hit, but how do you turn it off? Just hit that button. Never mind, everybody, I am safe now. For OPR, I'm Andrew Dullard.
The topical is brought to you by SimpliSafe. You don't have SimpliSafe. I know, because I broke into your home today and checked. If you had SimpliSafe, you would have known that and I'd be in police custody right now. A two-time winner of CNET Editor's Choice Award, SimpliSafe has everything you need in a home security system. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you when I'm approaching your home. Free motion and glass break sensors guard against me from snooping around inside and making myself a sandwich.
Oh, and by the way, you're out of toilet paper. Hey, hey! Be cool, man. If you wanted to hear more news, all you had to do was ask. Just take it easy. Jeez. There you go.
Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is already outpacing other Super Tuesday candidates in campaign spending by hundreds of millions of dollars, and that number is expected to grow today following his $275 million purchase of Pete Buttigieg. The former New York City mayor finalized the acquisition of the current South Bend mayor for what Bloomberg is calling, quote, a pretty good deal.
Starbucks is doing their part to help the environment. The coffee chain announced today that it would be discontinuing all plastic coffee by 2021, and other chains are following suit, with Dunkin' Donuts also announcing they would be eliminating all plastic donuts and crullers by next year.
And finally, we at OPR would like to issue an apology. Yesterday, we reported that there was an active shooter at a gun range in Houston, Texas, and while that was technically accurate, we are retracting this story and would like to express our deepest condolences to the gunman's family and his loved ones. As always, we'll try to do better tomorrow. |
wearethesundayblues | hippo_croc_dingo_ate_my_baby | Hippo, this is my cousin Dingo. He's going to be staying with us for the weekend. He's uh, he's from Australia. From Australia, hey?
Ah, g'day. Uh, g'day. Uh, oh, what do you do down, down under there?
You just, I bet you have sex with sheep. Uh, yeah, I'm actually married to one. About three years now. It's going well. Uh, uh, oh, probably married to a male sheep. Heh, heh, hey? Yeah, well, his name is Brian, actually. He's my life partner. We met on blacksheep.com.
If you want to see a picture of him, um, I am one lucky Dingo. I'm so sorry, Dingo. I told you Hippo is a dick. A big, veiny... dick.
Let me show you to your room. I'll see you later. Yeah, no, it's nice to meet you.
Um, yes, I'd like to report a, uh, kidnapping. That, you know, that baby you've been looking for? That missing baby?
Yeah? Well, yes, he's, he's in my house. Yes!
How, how soon can you get here? What, that long? Okay, fine, I'll wait. What? Everybody freeze! Took you long enough. We've had reports of a kidnapping!
Well, yeah, he is napping, actually. He's very tired from the flight, and if you don't mind, you can keep it down.
Step away from the baby. Excuse me?
We have been through a very lengthy adoption process. It has been really emotional and pretty traumatic for me and my life partner, Brian, who I met at BlakeSheep.com. I'm sorry I have to do this, sir, but I'm still gonna need to see some documentation.
Yep, no worries, I understand. I've got him here. Standard procedure, you understand. Yep, yep, all right. Well, this all checks out. Sorry about the misunderstanding, folks. You, you have a good evening now, and send my regards to Brian. I'm sure Brian will appreciate that.
God, that was weird. Right, who is up for some baby? I thought you adopted him. Yes, I adopted him, and now I'm gonna eat him. Cause I'm a dingo. Now, you want some or not? Yes. Obviously, sheep fucker.
From Australia, hey? Ah, g'day. Ah, oh, what do you do down, down under there?
Do you just, I bet you have sex with sheep. Ah, yeah, I'm actually married to one. About three years now. It's going well. Ah, ah, probably married to a male sheep, hey? Yeah, well, his name is Brian, actually. He's my life partner. We met on blacksheep.com. If you want to see a picture of him.
I am one lucky dingo. I'm so sorry, dingo. I told you hippo is a dick. A big, veiny, dick.
Let me show you to your room. I'll see you later. Yeah, that was nice to meet you.
Um, yes, I'd like to report a kidnapping. You know that baby you've been looking for? That missing baby?
Yeah? Well, yes, he's in my house. Yes.
How soon can you get here? What, that long? Okay, fine, I'll wait. Everybody freeze! Took you long enough. We've had reports of a kidnapping!
Well, yeah, he is napping, actually. He's very tired from the flight, and if you don't mind, you can keep it down.
Step away from the baby. Excuse me?
We have been through a very lengthy adoption process. It has been really emotional and pretty traumatic for me and my life partner, Brian, who I met at blacksheep.com. I'm sorry I have to do this, sir, but I'm still gonna need to see some documentation.
Yep, no worries, I understand. I've got him here. Standard procedure, you understand. Yep, yep, all right. Well, this all checks out. Sorry about the misunderstanding, folks. You have a good evening now, and send my regards to Brian. I'm sure Brian will appreciate that.
God, that was weird. Right, who is up for some baby? I thought you adopted him. Yes, I adopted him, and now I'm gonna eat him. Because I'm a dingo. And you want some or not? Yes. Obviously, sheepfucker. |
dropout | hostess_closes_down | Good morning.
On behalf of Hostess Brands, I am sorry to announce that the unions rejected our offers.
And in response, we have no choice but to close our plants and our production immediately.
These are good American brands, and hopefully we'll see them again someday.
But until then I have the last package of Grundle Wizards.
The bidding begins at $6,000, or $6,000, $6,000, $7,000, $7,500, $7,500, $8,000, $8,000, $9,000! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_223_Macario_De_Souza_Kid_Mac | You've got myself, Clancy Overall flanked by the Eternal Cadet, Wendell Hussey. How are you Wendell? Yeah, good mate. Good. Always happy to be here as the Eternal Cadet. That's what you got to do, I think. So yeah, good to be with you and excited to talk to today's guest.
Done plenty. Done all sorts.
Yeah, no, he's someone we've had our eye on for a while and someone we share a lot of mutual friends with. Obviously, as a South Sydney lad, he can't be out here with us, so he's zooming in and sound quality sounds good. They must have got the NBN there in Maroubra. Thank you for joining us today, Makario D'Souza, Kid Mac. Some might know him as. Thanks for having me, boys.
Looking forward to it. We're here talking to you today because you've got a film in cinemas as we speak, and it's about to hit Paramount Plus. It's an interesting film that you've put together here coming out of the pandemic.
It's a coming of age story, you know, about young Australian kids facing those coming of age moments through the vessel, the vehicle of music festivals. I want to kind of talk to you about this film. I want to talk to you about how friendship and these themes kind of weave in between all the work you've done over the years. Is that a beach thing that you see this? Is that a puberty's blues thing that you guys kind of more aware of it than anyone else in the world, I guess, coastal communities about that difference between teenager and adult? Look, I think I've been obsessed with coming of age films at a young age. I think growing up in Maroubra, certainly, you know, we weren't short of colourful characters and experiences, so I felt I was in a unique position to tap into all those experiences to tell a story like this. I guess you could say it sort of sits in that realm of puberty blues, but definitely a lot more gritty and from the streets.
What was the inspiration behind this six festivals idea? Obviously, it's coincided, as you said, coming out of the pandemic and festivals are back on, so it's got that good feel to it. But what was kind of the inspiration or the drive behind making this one? It really was just my experiences as a touring artist for over 10 years. You know, my friends and I were obsessed with festivals from the first ones that we used to just jump the fence to and have a great time because we couldn't afford tickets to and then, you know, watching other artists having a time in their lives commanding and see your audience is something that inspired me to become an artist. And then, you know, I started getting my first festival slots playing in that brutal 12 p.m. slot, but no one was there except for ten of my mates all off their heads and having a good time and then work my way through the ranks and played some of the best shows and festivals in the country and around the world and, you know, throwing a story of teenagers growing up and all the growing pains and dealing with a lost one or not dealing with it into that euphoric world of festivals.
I just felt it was a super unique concept to a film. And I come from a documentary background. This is my first narrative script, drama. So, they say write what you know, and I try to tap into something that was only at the back of my hand and also was going to be an excelling point.
So, that's kind of where it all boiled down to, yeah. Yeah, and there's that documentary element of it in terms of the festival sets and the music sets and everything that we see there. How much did you decide to lean into that? Yeah, my non-negotiable when pitching this was that it had to be shot at real music festivals, which, you know, a lot of the investors and everyone just freaked out at it because it's challenging, no one does that. They build sets, they hire extras, but you just can't cheat thousands of people jumping up and down to, you know, some of the greatest bands in Australia.
And I wanted to tap into my network of friends of artists that I've been touring with for years who are still touring and have them play themselves on stage and a bit of backstage just to give it that realness. And I feel like a lot of music films fall short because they tend to be a little bit cheesy. You know, whether they're written and made by people who aren't necessarily from that culture or they get the opportunity to make a film later in life and try to reminisce when they were younger and just miss the mark a little bit. So I felt like, you know, being in that unique position of still having my finger on the pulse and coming from that world, we could make it as raw and bring my documentary flavour to it. As a filmmaker, as a documentary maker, Mac, you, as you said, you've got a unique finger on the pulse for music and, you know, from your authentic experiences in that world.
But just in general, I guess your upbringing and, you know, the community you come out of gives you a good insight into a vaster kind of net of Australia compared to most filmmakers, particularly, you know, Maroubra is a multicultural kind of area. It has an element that reminds you a lot of the Western suburbs and, you know, you've got, you know, that multiculturalism and egalitarianism. But you're also close enough to the city and you're technically in the Eastern suburbs. So you get to see a bit of the wealth as well of Sydney City.
Do you find that when you're having these discussions with, you know, people in the industry that actually sometimes you've got to remind yourself that you know this world better than a lot of people sitting in offices that are kind of trying to put something together that people will like? Yeah, absolutely, man. I think for the most part, you know, sometimes I felt, I guess, out of place in these meetings, you know, full of suits coming from where I come from. But at the same time, and only now I'm starting to realise that I have a unique voice.
And growing up where I grew up, you're right, you know, we had everything from the houses to the multiculturalism to the, you know, multimillion dollar mansions across the road. We had the influence of like the urban sort of cityscape and a lot of bikey influence. And then we had the beach culture. And it was just this crazy melting pot that is pretty unique to Australia and not many other places, you know, in Australia has that. So growing up, we didn't know any better. But looking back, it's like it's a filmmaker's dream to have grown up in that with so many inspirational kind of experiences and wild stories and characters.
But I think there is a bit of a shift in the industry where, you know, the suits and understanding that these voices, they're a great representation of subcultures in Australia, and they need to be supported and be treated as the expert to bring those stories to life. Because if you think about Australian cinema, there's been a lot of typical white bread privilege type stories for so long. And just like hip hop in Australia, things are shifting, you know, we never had, it was always like, they call it a barbecue wrap for years, where there was a lot of Anglo guys just rapping. And nowadays, you know, in the last, I'd say, six years or so, there's been this amazing influx of like Pacific Islanders and like, you know, Asian and, you know, African rappers coming out of Australia, just making beautiful international hip hop music. I think the same thing's happening in the film scene now where they're allowing us more textured skin type, like roughies from, you know, stranger parts of the world to tell our stories.
But yeah, it's exciting.
Sydney has always known Maroubra, I guess. Anyone from New South Wales have known Maroubra.
It's always beautiful beach with a rougher edge to it.
Some people love that. And some people steer clear of that.
You though, in your work and in the documentary you put together, Bra Boys, you took that to, you know, Maroubra became a household name. How did it feel, you know, and as I've mentioned before, we recorded, we've interviewed Rennie Matour, you know, former Dogs of War, NRL player. We've interviewed Richie Vass, former Big Wave Surfer, UFC fighter. I mean, and it's for good reason that Maroubra and the Bra Boys and, you know, the greater community are such an interesting kind of a conversation in Australia and particularly in Sydney. But how does it feel with what you've done and, you know, taking that to the world, having everyone obsessing over Maroubra, having everyone, you know, you had kids in schools in North Queensland that knew about the Bra Boys and everything that had happened there and the way of life down there.
Do you feel like, well, did it feel like at one point everyone was looking at you? Yeah, definitely.
It was, it was me like as a filmmaker, it was incredible to have, you know, such a platform to launch my career and have someone like Russell Crowe who narrated the documentary, get involved and take me under the wing for years. As a young man, it was a different story. I was frothing on, on the attention, to be honest, you know, it was like, we released the film and a lot of us went over to LA to launch the film in the US and we partied in LA for like six months with some of the biggest celebrities and just lapped it right up. And when I should have been pitching my next idea, fuck that one up. And basically on the flip side, there was a lot of young crew all over the country, just almost taking the wrong messages out of the film and trying to be tough guys and get into fights and thought it was cool to get arrested and, you know, do stints in and out of jail. Like I can only speak for myself, but we've got a big crew of Bra Boys that, you know, we sometimes we come from different places, different homes and have somewhat different beliefs. But for me, part of the reason of my follow-up film, Fighting Fear, which was about Mark Matthews and Richie Vass, was trying to correct some of those themes that I felt was misunderstood by young crew around the country. And just, I guess, as I matured as a young man and a filmmaker, I try to put that into the next film because yeah, I was just hearing some pretty horrific stories and at the same time I was touring as Kid Mack and I'd be on the pisser before a show or after a show and some bloke blind drunk would come up behind me and just yell out, go, yeah, fucking Bra Boys, fuck the police and let's bash some dogs.
And it just, it was the wrong thing. I was just like, that's not what we made it for.
But all in all, man, it was a global sensation. And for that, I'm definitely grateful. Yeah, you're right in the sense that a lot of people kind of squeezed the fruit that was your documentary and started to really enjoy the pulp.
The idea that, you know, postcode tattoos in coastal towns, even coastal towns that aren't hard, by the way, Port Macquarie, you have no business, anyone from Port Macquarie getting old English postcode tats and then of course you get the River Boys in Home and Away and you get like, you have this serious thread in Australian culture where, I mean, what you did do was identify something that happens in beach communities and whether or not it ramped up after you guys gave it a voice or not, that's for those towns to point the finger at that. But I wanna know what is in the water in Maroubra? What's going on? I mean, I look at the bra boys and I look at, you know, predominantly housing commission kids, all from different walks of life, all with different last names, you know, from D'Souza to Vasilik, you know, to Matua to all kinds of names. Abaddon, what is it do you think that kind of sent you guys outside of the beach? Be that through sport or through film or through, you know, anything. They'd be well known bra boys that actually don't even do anything. Just people know I'm around Sydney.
Yeah, look, I think it was the culture in the community that stemmed back from, you know, the 70s of the surf culture, and that really was a culture of out-fight, out-root, out-party your mate. And that sort of just escalated and got implemented into all avenues of life. And for me personally, my best mates in my generation, like Rennie and Mark and Rich, you know, we had say, Kobe Abaddon, Sonny Abaddon, Joe Abaddon, those Abaddon brothers, particularly Kobe, you know, he really made a name for himself in the big wave surfing and made a career out of it. And we saw how he lived his life and he'd just be away for 10 months of the year on surfing contests and whatnot, come back. And that was kind of nice to see that you could, you know, make something out of something. And from where we came from, everyone came from no money, came from very humble beginnings. And, you know, just seeing our parents struggle to keep the lights on, those kinds of things just, I guess, feed into that want and that drive to like get out of the hood, stay out of the hood, you know, and that could either end up in a way that was negative if you didn't channel it right, or, you know, there was this friendly competition like Rennie would make it to first grade, John Sutton, you know, would lift the trophy for the bunnies. And when Richie crafted into your sea, these are all things that like are within your immediate best friend circle and only like pushes you to want to excel. So there was this element of like friendly competition and constant support. So I think a combination of all those things just got us to where we are. And a few of us have made the most of it. Huge sporting and surfing element to it.
I wanted to know how your journey into filmmaking started, you know, all the way back, back to the start. How did you fall in love with wanting to make documentaries, make films, to document stuff?
Probably cause I was a shit surfer compared to my mates. And no, I had some of the best surfers that in my mates. And I used to love surf movies back in the day from guys like Taylor Still. And they were like just best surf action, amazing soundtracks to them.
And my sister had gone away to America once and came back with this little camcorder. And I must've been 15 or something. And she would leave the house and leave that camcorder. I'd say, don't touch my camera.
And first thing I do is grab it, run, and then go down the beach and just feel my mates surfing. And after a session, you know, we'd film some parties in between and I'll just put all footage together and make some beats up for it, put it together. And we have like kick back and have a bit of a screening with all the boys. And I always have a laugh. And I kind of love that idea of, you know, going away, putting something together and then having this moment where you exhibit something and you get a reaction. It's almost, it's quite addictive.
And that to me was me, was my wave chasing or my training for a fight type thing. And I was always creative. And I guess I felt like I finally found my little outlet. So that's kind of where it started. And then just kept taking a camera everywhere with me, learning the craft of editing. You know, I was obsessed with music. So like music production, it all kind of bundled in. It wasn't until after school where I kind of went to uni and did a fine arts degree, mastered in sort of, you know, film and music and started my, I guess, the Broadway's doco at that point. It was like a major work in one of the years that I had and became the pilot that went on to make the film. So everything just kind of like, one thing led to the other and it all kind of started just from shooting my mates surfing.
Fair enough. How did you balance those two worlds from bra boys to fine arts degree at university? What was it like walking between those two while that was happening? Did everyone back out? Yeah. My mates, my close mates did. You know, I think I was, I was a little bit against the grain of your stock standard, you know, bra boy on paper, I guess.
And luckily I had a staunch older sister, two older sisters, my elder sister, Glenda in particular, would always push me into going to uni, getting a degree regardless of anything else I was doing. So I kind of listened to her a lot, which was a great voice to have. I think I was, at that time, the first bra boy to get a degree. And since then we've had a whole bunch, which is great.
I hated uni at the start. You know, I thought, fuck, this is, this is wack. I shouldn't, you know, I should be surfing. I should be with the boys. And that mentality was everything that I try and tell young people to avoid now.
Cause it was so easy to just follow the pack and do your own, you know, just stay with the crew. I stuck to it and, you know, never really gel with a lot of the people at uni. We were just different walks of life. But I guess, you know, now that I'm starting to find my own little crew and units with the world of filmmaking. And I try to, I tend to like connect more with other filmmakers who come from a similar background to me and tell them similar stories.
When we were interviewing Richie Vass, one of the questions we asked him was, how come everyone in Maroubra knows how to punch on more so than, you know, any other beach town? And it kind of, it was of an anecdote. I remember first time in King's Cross, seeing all the different, you know, walks of life down there, all the different kind of tough guys and, you know, party guys. And I remember seeing a big group of Maroubra lads in a pub thinking, actually, there's a presence here.
You know, these guys aren't dressed like gangsters. They're dressed like surfies.
But for whatever reason, there was a feeling that actually these guys were probably some of the most rough and ready in the entire precinct of King's Cross. We asked Richie Vass that question, and he actually put it down to the Brazilians arriving in Maroubra and bringing with them, you know, the Brazilian boxing gyms and that kind of stuff. And how the multiculturalism really kind of forged a greater identity, you know, a greater kind of monoculture within the multiculturalism. Did you find that in your day to day, and do you find that with that brand, bra boys, you know, Reni said to us as well, you know, some people have their own idea about what that is, but do you find, you know, you guys have the opportunity to take all of these different cultures with you, be that to become an incredible street fighter or an incredible filmmaker? Yeah, I think Richie probably nailed it on the head. I think pre the Brazilians landing in Maroubra, we had a lot of incredible professional boxers, some of the older boys, Johnny Reardon, Nate Rogers, just a lot of, you know, when we were young, we used to always go to Kobe's grandma's backyard and hit the pads, and it doesn't matter how big or small or terrible of a fighter you were, you always got paired up with someone and you had to spar in front of everyone. And that was a bit of a coming of age thing where like, you know, one day you just get belted and it just make you want to go back and like try and show that you're improving. And I think there was this looseness of just brawlers and, you know, street fighters and whatnot. And I think when the Brazilians did come in, that whole jujitsu thing, they sort of like put parameters to that macho-ism and put a bit of like a, I guess a routine and a structure to it where all of a sudden these brawlers became quietly confident guys who knew that could handle most situations. So there was no need to like be overly aggressive unless things came to us sort of thing.
So I think there was that. And I think a lot of that teaches you to be a man, you know, just having that confidence to know that you can handle yourself in situations is probably pretty important growing up, particularly in areas like Maroubra. But yeah, I don't know. I just think that also like starts to then play out in whatever avenue that you're into, you know, particularly me in the creative world, it's a whole world away, but yeah, it's just how we were raised, I guess. I want to talk about your family's story in Maroubra. Were you part of that wave?
I think my parents were part of the earlier South American influx in the seventies. There was a lot of South Americans coming around that time and they all wanted to be in and around the coast. My parents, so funny how immigrants think there's an opportunity to buy a cheap old semi, a street away from the water because all the other South Americans are there and they chose there.
And you know, just years later, you'd go to find out what they missed out on. That's what happened. Yeah, I mean, every family's got that story.
Yeah, I think it's the idea of just wanting to remain within your community while transitioning into a whole new culture. And then, yeah, the Brazilians that came later, it was nice to see, cause I hadn't really seen my own kind in Maroubra for years and it wasn't until I think the boys started coming through in the nineties. And it was nice to see cause it just meant, I felt a little more kind of less in no man's land and more a part of like this beautiful kind of crossbreed of cultures in Maroubra. Now, we go back to you finally put a camera on this thing, Maroubra, bra boys. You showcase it as a major work at university.
Where did Russell Crowe come into the mix? Was that a South Sydney Rabbitos hookup or cause having, you know, obviously the narration of Russell Crowe didn't improve the film you'd made, but it certainly added some flair to it. We're talking about the gladiator here. Yeah, absolutely. It was the same time that Russell Crowe, Peter Holmes, the court were taking over the South Sydney Rabbitos when we were towards the backend of finishing the film.
John Sutton was cracking it in the first grade and via Sutt, Russell had heard about the bra boys documentary. I think he'd seen maybe an Australian story on the evidence and was interested in. Yeah, via Sutt, tried to reach out and there was a couple of phone calls that we copped from Russell and we thought it was one of the older boys pranking us. So we'd always hang up and then Sutt was the one that told us, hey, Russell's been trying to get a hold of you, have a chat.
And long story short, we set up a meeting, set up a screening of a rough cut and we had a temporary narrator on it, which was just a temp voice, no name. And he made a comment on how bad the narrator was, but he thought that the film was great. And we said, well, you know, would you lend your voice to it?
And he said, yes. And I think, you know, back then, Russell's a strategic man. He probably was seeing this documentary as a possible film that he could turn into a scripted drama as his directional debut. Russell coming from, you know, those humble working class beginnings as well, was looking for something that was gritty and, you know, in tone with what he's all about and coming from that South Sydney world, it all sort of made sense. So yeah, he definitely elevated it, took it to another level. There was a lot of avenues that were opened up because of his connections. And I think it was a big reason why the film ended up becoming one of the highest grossing docos in Australian history.
I mean, I'll always remember the green and red Armani suits that he took the rabbit eyes to the premiere in on the red carpet. That was a, I mean, that might even been the first time an NRL team went to a premiere of anything. Yeah, you're just always thinking outside the box, a whole foot like bust just pulled up in the middle of Market Street, State Theater in the city, whole squad got out, Armani suits red and green and it definitely, it made a splash, that's for sure. He knows how to make a splash when he wants to.
So then you've got that under your belt, incredible debut. You've got Kid Mac, you're touring, as you said, starting with the midnight slots where basically your main audience is the subjects of a documentary you've just made. That Kid Mac has been, you know, a DNA between all your work, I guess, as a performing touring artist.
You make another documentary about the boys with Richie and then where did you find yourself saying, okay, scripted narrative, six festivals? So after Fighting Fear, which was a great follow up, we were able to sort of start to get some accolades and win some actor awards, which is great. At the time I was getting a lot of commercial work, I was doing a lot of work with artists, record labels, music videos, international acts, local acts and the work was coming in thick and fast where I had to set up a production company and build a team around that and that's what we did for years. And that idea of having a production company, we were doing a lot of work with music festivals, shooting a lot of the content, docos, and I was just really keen to, you know, leap over to drama and it's just not an easy thing that you can just decide, hey, I wanna do drama and off you go. It's, you start at the back of the line again, you know, and the meetings you're having with funders and distributors, it's, you become the new kid again and I really had to prove myself. So I put some money into, my own money into just shooting a proof of concept on a short version of six festivals. And I never really backed myself as a writer to start with as far as scripts go because I'd never really done a feature script. I'd always written shorter stuff and was working with co-writers to get it to a point and then realized that this world I was writing was my world and the voices were mine and so I sort of, for the next 10 drafts, just grabbed the bull by the horns and finished the script and people started really liking the script and this was over a three year period.
And then we finally got Screen Australia on board, who's, you know, Australia's government body that taxpayers money gets allocated to films that people they feel need to be heard. And we've got a half a mil grant from Screen Australia, which then triggered a lot of other state agencies to peak their interest and see what this was all about. We've got a record label on board in Sony Music who wanted to utilize some of their roster on our film.
Of course.
The festivals were excited. And then the final piece of the puzzle was Paramount Plus. Obviously we had stoppages of like bushfires, floods, and then the pandemic, which as painful as they were, the silver lining was, it slowed things down and allowed more people to wait, catch up and hear about this project. And Paramount Plus was one of those. So I went into pitch to Paramount Plus, you know, was barely 20 minutes into my pitch and we'd done a deal there and then, and they were psyched on it. They wanted the global riots, which was amazing. It just meant that everyone was actually gonna have, we're gonna have a proper budget to make this film. And we got into production 2020, but pandemic slowed us down.
So it's been a couple of years of a hard slog. Can you tell me, you said non-negotiable was filming in music festivals. Where have you managed to do that in the last three years? Yeah, it's a tricky one, man.
It was like, you know, 2019, we were ready to shoot. And at the time we had a couple of festival partners that just had to get dropped because the government in New South Wales were waging war against drugs. There was a few IDs happening at festivals that essentially was making it hard for festivals to run. They would give, make them have extra police presence and all sorts of parameters that just meant they couldn't run anymore. So then 2019, we went to shoot Bus Paradise and then that was canceled because of the bushfires. And then we had a replacement a couple of months later that was flooded, it was canceled. And then the pandemic hit, so we had lockdowns and it just seemed like this film wasn't gonna get made. And then there's a couple of Queensland festivals that looked like they were gonna run in between a couple of the lockdowns.
So it just meant trying to look at different locations to get our festival stuff first. So it really was just finding little pockets where, you know, festivals were running, grabbing that content first and then trying to work out the rest of the puzzle later. What a process. I just wanted to ask about the actors and actresses you've got in here. How involved were you in finding these guys? Cause I noticed some of them come from festival areas.
Yaz who plays Summer from Byron Bay and then we've got Razzy King who plays Maxie born in Marlem. They're all familiar, like a lot of these names with that kind of culture.
Were you involved in the casting? Absolutely, cause this was my baby. I kind of was, you know, super hands-on, almost micromanaging. And I've got pretty intense OCD that this was next level when it came to casting. So I casted Rasmus King first.
I found him through our surfing network. Someone had told me about him.
I wanted to cast Maxie and Kane, two brothers in the film as real brothers in real life. And Rasmus has got an older brother, Caius. Both professional surfers, never acted before.
They had amazing, hilarious, charming content on their Instagram that I thought they had the spark. You know, they definitely had that star quality. And after working with them closely, knew that I could get what I needed out of those guys and then built the rest of the cast around them through our casting agent.
They found me Yasmin, who plays Summer. Incredible singer. She had this quirk about her that was very similar to Summer in my mind. And then James was played by a kid called Rory Potter who'd been in the dressmaker and does a lot of theater and was just a real likable, warm dude. And then lastly, we had Guyalla Bales from Brisbane, who's an incredible indigenous poet, activist, model. I tried so many different Marley's for that role.
And for whatever reason they fell through, it didn't feel right. And at the 11th hour, I'd seen, I think it was an Australian story on Quaden, her brother Quaden and saw her interview.
She just popped on the screen. She was super eloquent. And when I researched her, I saw that she was a poet. She was great with words. She's clearly connected to that urban culture and the role is an up and coming female rapper. And, you know, after talking to her a few times, I knew she had that star quality too. And she was probably the fastest learner out of everyone.
You know, I'd write songs for her. Within two hours, she'd have them down. The next day, she'd have them perfected. And the day after that, she had to perform them in front of thousands of people at a real festival. So like she was quick and she's got a massive future ahead of her.
Caius on the other hand, not on the other hand, but I should say, he was the furthest removed from his personality. He played like this S.H.A. lad kind of drug dealing, fuckwit brother, who also surfed. Again, pulling from characters from Roover and it's funny. I feel like you've already met him before. Well, it's funny after the premiere, you know, a lot of my mates, my boys came up to me and just go, mate, Caius, that character is so on point. Like he just felt like one of the boys down the beach, you know, and so he's such a lovely dude and real lovely to his brother. And he was the furthest progress from his real personality.
So I think that balance of where they all came from and what they brought was cool. Cause it wasn't all polished, glossy actors who had, you know, trained and not understanding of this world. You had the brothers who were also, you know, rough around the edges, grew up in the surf community. So I just wanted that rough roughness as well and not too polished.
That must be exciting for you as well. Obviously it's your debut for a big drama thing like this, but giving all of these kids a start and helping them build up their careers, that must be an exciting part of it too. Yeah, I reckon, man, I've always been frothing on, you know, just scoping out talent, whether it's in music, whether it's, you know, in acting, I tend to like take a bit of pride in that. And these kids have, I should say young people have such a big future ahead of them.
And yeah, I reckon like Rass, for example, he's done two films in the same time, both are coming out in the cinemas this month. The other film is called Bosh and Rocket with Luke Hemsworth and Isabel Lucas. And I just think he's the next little Heath Ledger in the making.
And to be a part of the start of these guys' careers, to see where they go to, it's part of it, it's exciting and I can't wait to see what they do. I mean, in your field, there's a lot of time spent in front of a camera, or behind a camera, and a lot of time spent in front of a screen, you know. So much of that is done in dark rooms. How do you now transition into, you know, this new kind of responsibility and this new kind of role you play? Once upon a time you were the documenter, you know, you were transcribing and you were capturing something and then delivering it without getting too involved in what's going on in front of the camera. Now you're actually moving into the role of kind of man management, you know, almost coaching.
How do you go with, you know, particularly young kids with their own shit going on? Who knows what's going on in their lives. I know the kids, I know you didn't like to use the word kids before, but I looked back to Splendour in the Grass and I was thinking, these kids have had a rough couple of years, you know, their formative years are spent in, you know, they missed it out on schoolies, they missed out on their school formals, they missed out on all this shit. So the kids right now, be it those ones that were sloshing in the mud at Splendour in the Grass, or those ones that you had, you know, on set, have had very different kind of crucial formative years than what any of us can remember. How was it, you know, not only these actors you've got coming into this world of being on screen, but they're also coming out of this bizarre couple of years. Yeah, it's funny you say that. There's been a certain generation who have missed out on music festivals completely for the last three, four years. These kids were a part of that generation. So they were experiencing festivals for the first time while we were shooting the film.
So half the time, it was hard to keep their focus and attention because they were just wide-eyed and starry-eyed with all, meeting all the artists and just getting in the mosh and just loving it. But they're so professional and switched on that they just, you know, got the job done. And then anytime we sort of rapped for the day, you'd have to just be careful because they just, you'd lose them in the crowd and they'd just want to go and party.
But I don't know, I think for me, I just have had some great mentors in my life and I've just pinched, you know, different traits from those mentors that have worked well with me when I was young and try to implement that with younger kids that I work with. I think mentors and mentorship is such an important part of growing up. And I think, you know, for those who have lived interesting lives, like most of us, I think it's only fair to give back and teach them the ways that, or right from wrong, or at least show them the opportunities that you wish you had.
Well, we look forward to it, mate. Six festivals, as we said, in cinemas now and soon to land on Paramount Plus. Congratulations, Mac. Sounds like you've had a bit of fun. Fairly stressful time, but a fairly fun time putting this all together. And we hope to hear more from you and see more from you. Excited to see what's next. Thanks, boys. Appreciate you having me. It's been fun. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_43_ed_cowan | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners, and welcome back to The Batooter Advocate Radio Show. For the first time in 2019, my name is Errol Parker, and alongside me here in the booth is an extremely sunburnt Clancy Overall, who's just rolled back in from the sunny coast, was it?
Yes mate, little Longrich up there in Mooloolaba, had a lovely time, very extended break over Christmas. And hello listeners, Happy New Year to you all, I hope the break has treated you as well as it did me, and you didn't have to suffer through too many uncomfortable family moments or rows, if you will.
Now as we do every week, we've managed to track down an interesting guest to join us here on the airwaves, and he'll be stopping into the booth here at the Koala Matchers Studios shortly. Yes, he's been making a few headlines lately in the country summer game, and he told us he's ready to tee off on a few people. His name is Edward James Mackenzie Cowan, an 18 test veteran who used to display the stoicism at the top of the order we haven't seen for a fair while now, and he's currently working for the ABC Grandstand team. Yes, yes, he's got a unique insight into the game that catches the nation's attention over the summer months, and he's certainly an interesting character. He's been going in on the selectors of late, he's had a lot to say in that area, and has recently had a run-in with the esteemed and well-regarded politician that is former Labour leader Mark Latham. So it should make for an interesting chat today.
He certainly isn't the first to feel the wrath of the former Labour leader, and I'm sure he won't be the last either. Certainly not. At least he managed to escape from a run-in with Latham without getting a broken arm. Or a broken fucking arm, as they used to say when he was still playing.
Lucky indeed. Anyway, he's just stepped into the booth, so let's get things on the road, shall we? Yes.
18 Test legend and ABC identity. He's been described as the David Pocock of cricket. Ed Cowan, how are you, mate? Well, lads, I don't know if any of that is terribly exciting. 18 Test doesn't make you a legend for the record. Well, working for the ABC certainly doesn't make you an identity.
It certainly made Rob Quiney a legend, and he only played two. Yeah, but one of his test was one of the great pairs Test cricket's ever seen.
On a flat, hot Adelaide day. Beautiful.
No runs. Second innings? No runs, Bob.
I love you.
He's made a great career out of making a test pair. What do you reckon he's up to now? Bobby, he's got a landscaping business, and he's got a podcast as well, run with a betting company.
All right. Yeah. Fuck. Heaps.
Got a sore knee. Yeah, got a sore knee.
That's from club cricket. Still playing club cricket.
On the weekend, Sydney getting out a win, working for the ABC over the summer, which has been good fun. Had Mark Latham call me an elite lefty on Twitter the other day, which I saw that. Yeah, I'm sure we can get to that. So that's the kind of stuff you got to put up with working the ABC, being trolled by part-time politicians.
I've just got a little coffee capsule company, Trypod Coffee. Good place for a plug. Yeah. But two to podcast. No bigger audience in the world.
No, no. And I work for a private investment firm called TDM Growth Partners. So you got a bid on? Yeah, a bid on the plate.
That's good stuff. You've been asked a lot for comment, and you've given it. That's probably why you've been asked. Circular, yeah. Yeah. What do you think? The current Australian cricket side, do you reckon it's really that much panic stations as the domineering kind of over-the-top media would tell us? Yeah, good question.
So my view is no. I think there's a heap of talent in Australian cricket that has been for a while, but basically the structure around them is completely flawed for a variety of reasons, and I won't And boy, the structure around high-performance cricket has gone backwards. It's going to take a long time to get out of that pattern, and it's going to take some change in how Australian cricket's structured, but my view is that the actual players themselves have probably been let down a bit by the system, and we're kind of reaping what we sow in Australian cricket. It's quite sad. It was hard watching this summer. Some good people, some bloody good cricketers, but just not good enough. We had a lot of players, especially in the halcyon days of Australian cricket, the late 90s, early 2000s, that came through the Cricket Academy.
Just wondering how many of them come through through that passage? Yeah, well, okay, so when we talk about a flawed structure, what they now call the centre of excellence is part of that.
It's changed shape. It used to be a bit of a finishing school, and now it's a bit of throwing darts at a dartboard and hoping that a young kid comes off, so they send a whole heap of young kids up there as opposed to, it used to be hard and first-class cricketers, a bit of a stepping stone between maybe state cricket and international cricket. Now it's like this sort of glorified, underage talent camp that everyone gets mollycoddled and told how good they are, and then they start believing it a bit too much. So it's gone from being like a cricket TAFE college to being like a cricket school camp? Basically, it's gone from being like a university master's degree to being year 10 sort of TAFE. A bit like Super Rugby Model, where they try and get these kids in as young as early and get as many shoulder injuries as possible before they can even really hit their straps.
Bang on, and obviously, you know, Pat Howard, he did wonders for rugby, but you know, didn't he do a job on cricket? Well, it's always been a source of mystery for me, Ed, that you've had all these kids who've grown up kind of watching the people like Shane Warne and Steve Warne come through, and now that we're getting to the time where we've got these youngsters are coming to the age where they should be playing for Australia, there's none. I mean, there isn't a leg-spin bowler who's been watching Warne as a kid, he hasn't come through, there hasn't been a rampaging Stephen Warr type, there hasn't been a bloke like Mark Waugh who likes to walk across his stumps, you know, it's all very, you know, just carbon copy type stuff. Yeah, it's certainly, and I think that's part of the problem, it's been very centralised in how you bat. I think one of the glorious things of Australian cricket, you know, historically has been we've had so many players from the bush with what you'd call bush techniques that have just been honed on the farm, in country cricket, and then they turn up and score a amount of runs and the, you know, the most recent one was Phil Hughes, that doesn't really happen anymore because you get sent to these academies so young and these youth pathways systems where you have to do X, Y and Z to progress and, you know, it's all picked on rather than volume of runs, how hard you hit the ball, how fast you bowl, how pretty it is rather than how many runs you score and how many wickets you take. So I think we're really missing that sort of bush, as you said, that bush element to our cricket and it's something that needs to come back but we've kind of done this whole generation of Australian cricket as a bit of a disservice with how it's been structured. It's a bit like the Olympians because they, by the time they compete and they get sent to the Olympics, they don't even have a hometown anymore because they've spent most of their life in the AIS in Canberra, so do you think there's a lot of personality missing as well? Yeah, I think professional sport generally, I don't think it's necessarily cricket, I just think the way professional sport is now, it's pretty hard to be a bit of an outlier personality-wise.
You've got to be women's day friendly. You do, well, you don't have to be, but you know, it certainly helps, you know, everyone's image conscious.
So, as I said, I think that's professional sport generally and the machine that is professional sport, there's so much money in the game, you know, people are pretty vanilla. Well, the sports kind of show that's on before us here at Desert Rock FM, Holosport, they've found a correlation between the WAGs and the players whereby in the 90s, we didn't have too many flash WAGs.
Look at it now, glammers everywhere. Where now, you know, you've got, you know, all these influences. Yeah, on the Instagram.
They can be a bit of a distraction, you know, they are. It's an interesting theory. I think there's a pretty strong correlation. I think, you know, it's a hard one. I mean, it's a tricky situation because you don't realize how little time you spend at home.
Now with an international cricket schedule, if you're in the team, let's say in two formats, you could have 20 days in your own bed, let's say across the year by the time you go cash in at the IPL and, you know, really get your bank manager pumped up for that. 20 days a year at home, you would not see your wife or your kids.
So they kind of have to go on tour, but you're right. It's changed the dynamic of tours a lot. Some would definitely argue for the better. It's probably normalized them a little bit, as you can imagine.
Back in the day, they used to do four months in the Caribbean, you know? Only two months of cricket, but, you know, four months of blokes on tour. We spoke to Mike Whitney last year and he said he went on the last great tour of the Caribbean. He said he was over there for almost a hundred days and he said it was, there was a lot of living and just a little bit of cricket. So I don't know how many stories he told, but between, you know, like Whitney, Matthews, it was an era of, they just wouldn't have got away with anything like what they used to, in this day and age of smartphones.
Holy smokes. He'd be in the WhatsApp group quite quickly.
Now, can you tell us what is the archetype of an Australian cricket? I mean, you're an outlier, you grew up in the Wentworth electorate, but where are the kids coming from? If you were to say, like go to a high school or go to a town in Australia and expect to find a cricket, would that be Materville Boys High? Would that be Kootamundra?
Yeah, I think traditionally you'd say your chances in the bush are better than the city. I don't think that's necessarily, I think that's probably the opposite today. And I think it's probably, there's been a bit of a reversal all around the country as to, a cricket could come from anywhere, which is, which is good in a sense, but it also means you don't get these hotbeds that traditionally have been so good to us. So it is a bit of a different model, people from, you know, different walks of life, which is, which is good for the game as well.
Now you've got a funny story from 2005. Can we, can we just touch on that? I mean, he's got a sore knee, so he's not having a beer today, but in 2005, you were having a beer in the SCG members and you got a call up. Can you tell us what happened there?
Yeah, no worries. Probably, you know, my most asked question. So good to see you going straight to the top of the tree that with, what's a fast, who's a fast bollywood face? Well, I'm sure we'll get to that. That's what we like in real life. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
So, you know, day two of the Sydney test, bit hung over from day one, turn up with a few mates in the members bar, you know, obviously doing the Paddington gift, try and get a seat, 10 30 in the morning, have a tinny with a few mates in the line. I was in the state squad at the time, just come back from making my New South Wales debut and the cricket still has a room attendant, the guy who looks after the towels and washes whites and just generally attends to prima donna cricketers, that kind of stuff. Usually ripping blokes, as you can imagine. They keep secrets.
Yes. And he saw me and said, mate, we need a, we need a 13th man to run some drinks. And I was, I was like, man, you know, I've had a couple of beers already. He was like, no, that's fine. You just, you just got to run drinks, mix a few drinks, run a few Barocas to Warney, you know, that kind of vibe, do a crossword, you'll get well fed, we'll give you some gear at the end of the day.
So, you know what, why not? Never been in the Australian, never met my idol, Ricky Ponting, go for it. So sure enough, you know, you can only imagine how it plays out.
But Brad Hodge, who was 12th man at the time, he had no interest in being 12th man, you know, test double 100 probably deserved to be in the team. Wasn't showing much interest in the 12th man duty.
So I'm doing the drinks and Andrew Simons comes off. He had a sore knee or something. And Hodge just didn't want to go on. He was stuck in head down and crossword.
So I went and fielded after a few beers in the test match, which sound like in hindsight, you know, great fun. But you can imagine just absolutely shitting yourself.
Never played test cricket. Didn't belong there. Didn't know anyone, full house at the SCG.
And I'm three deep. And for anyone that knows me, I don't hold three beers very well.
The best times are when I'm trying to field cricket balls. Well, every single person you know is watching live.
Yeah, and some. So yeah, I mean, I don't know if that happened today. But so that was my first taste of international cricket. Oh, that's and it's a great yarn.
And it's obviously one that, you know, you've now told on the biggest podcast in Australia. So this is really, it's probably going to take from your corporate speaking gigs now that everyone's heard it.
But is that one? Is that one you trot out of the copies? We call them cashies. But how many copies have you done? Oh, lost count, man. Who for? Just give me a few of your sponsor's names.
Koala Mattress? Yeah. Koala Mattress. I've got a koala mattress. Those things are bloody comfortable.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you're loyal to the captain. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
If only the loyalty was two ways. Well, from one pressure cooker to another. Mark Latham, who is running as the One Nation bloke, this upcoming New South Wales state election, he moved the laser onto you.
Didn't he? Wasn't that a cheap shot? A couple of weeks ago. He called you out. It was early this week. I think it was only a couple days ago. Captain Obvious Cowan, he called you.
Yeah, which now my mates have really taken it. I get, you know, COC. I'm now being called cuck.
I guess he's better than Big Papi. So yeah, Old Latho. And like the oddity being, he played at Sydney Inny Cricket Club. He's meant to be one of the, you know, the SUCC brothers. Little does anyone know he got banned for abusing umpire in the 78-79 season.
No, you wouldn't, but you wouldn't believe that. But, you know, Latho, never.
So he got banned from the club for a bit. Just broke the taxi driver's arm.
Exactly. So he took a pot shot on Twitter. And for those that, I don't know, you might have in front of you. But he was, I think I threw out like a random sort of bored tweet on the couch that the big bash was going on for too long, which I think it is. And I said four weeks, it might be two. Whatever. The point still stands. I still believe in it. He just had an absolute personal pot shot.
Was like, don't worry. Anything's better than listening to Captain Obvious Cowan on the ABC. Nice one. No worries. You know what?
I'd take that from absolutely anyone in the world. And on Twitter, as you know, you've got to take it from a few people. Yeah, I'm not taking it from that prick. What a fuck. Honestly, he's a bigot, a racist, and an absolute moron.
And I was like, you know what? I was sort of drifting off to sleep when I read it. I was like, he's not getting away with that. So I just threw something out and woke up to an absolute shitstorm. And then he had a pot shot at Glenn Mitchell. I don't know if you saw that.
It was a very respected ABC commentator and they had a full. Anyway, I think the funniest thing to emerge from that was there's this Twitter account that is solely dedicated to seeing Mark Latham in a, in a dirty polo and oversize. 11, 2015. So that for me, I wasn't aware of that story, but that is absolutely good. Cause he's dedicated his life. I forget his Twitter handle to like this revelation of Mark Latham, dressed as a bum at Monica oval during a prime minister's game. For the, for the listeners who aren't following, there is a prominent Twitter troll and we'll put his, uh, we'll put his Twitter handle in the, in the notes for the show who has dedicated the last two years to, uh, trolling Mark Latham, uh, over the fact that he saw him at the prime minister's 11 match in Canberra in 2015, wearing oversized footy shorts and a dirty polo.
Yeah. And Lathos denied it on the basis that he's never been to a PMs game. So anyway, they've got the dates coming in and they've worked out. It was actually a one day international. And so like, and Lathos back down from that, like he can't deny it now. He still looks like a tramp. That's it. But, uh, but, but if it's any consolation, he hasn't got a blue tick yet.
So, uh, yeah. I don't know if you get a blue tick for just trolling women on social media as a ABC juggernaut, of course, Elite lefty. I think he called me as well, which, you know, that was a highlight. So tell us, uh, this time last year, maybe a bit later in the year, were you sitting there thinking, fuck, I'm glad I swerved all this. Ball tampering. Yeah.
I think anyone who wasn't in the team at the time was thinking, oh shit, this is, uh, this is pretty messy. I don't think the guys on the ground at the time, well, as in on the ground in South Africa, realized how messy it was. That's, I guess, a testament to the gilded bubble that a sportsman can sometimes live in. Uh, but from the outside, I think that was, I mean, I never saw anyone put sandpaper on a ball in my time, professional cricket.
So it was, it was a bit of a wake-up call and yeah, it's going to take a while, I think, to, to drag, drag it back. But you know what? I thought painting did a pretty good job this summer of, and it has done a good job of restoring a bit of faith. Do you think that you could make any impact on the ball in terms of, you know, having it move with a tiny piece of sandpaper? Yeah, superstition. No, you boys should play around the office and just see what you can do with a piece of sandpaper on a ball. Because what you do, because at training, to practice against reverse swing, you'd get a ball and rub it against, against a rocky wall or whatever. All these people have sandpaper on their back. Exactly. But, uh, but a tiny piece of, you know, like, it only needs a little bit. You're, you're a firm believer because Whitney and a few of the old school that we've had on the show, they just, he goes, nah, man, it's much easier to make the other side shiny. So you just, you just got to put a piece of, I think, I think he's forgotten a bit of Vaseline down the side of your pants and get that.
So it's all about, it's, it's all about the rough side. That's why people have, like when Faf got done with the zipper on his pocket, anyone can shine a ball. That's why people have sugar in their mouths. You know that, but you need it to be rough. You need one side to be rough.
Hypothetically though, if, uh, if smudge came up to you or Warner, your opening partner, hypothetically and said, all right, count, we're getting fucking done here. I need you to tamper this ball and I need you to do it without the cameras. You'd say, would you be like, oh geez, Dave, that's a bit hard. Or come on, Steve, that's a bit, you know, that's a bit crook. Or can you give me some fucking sandpaper that's not bright yellow? I would just say, yep, no worries chief.
It was only a sticky piece of tape with some rocks on it. Look, I think in test cricket, if you, anyone that's played understand you cannot get away with scratching yourself in the wrong place, let alone scratching a ball. There are so many cameras, there are slow-mo cameras, cameras coming out of the roof, you know, so you'd be a bit of an idiot to think that you could get away with that and pretty naive. And there was a instance in a test match in Hobart where I was shining the ball, but in slow motion, it looked, it looked dodgy. And that's just like slowing, it's like catching slow, slowing it down. So lots of cameras, you wouldn't even contemplate it.
Now I got a question. I mean, aside from that 2005 team, which was, um, you know, you said you spent five minutes playing alongside, um, and it was filled to the brim with personalities, the ones you just named then kind of, I just got a bit giddy listening to some of the, like, you know, hanging out with those guys would just be a dream for many people. Who is the most underrated, uh, personality you played with? Who is the best bloke that you hadn't really met until you were in the mix?
Oh, good question. Like as in, so I think the bet, and certainly a good candidate for the podcast is George Bailey. Everyone's favorite cricketer. Yeah. Um, before I play with George, he obviously, he was always a friendly guy, but he's downright hilarious. Yeah. He's very, very amusing. Um, but of those sort of big, uh, probably time, would you, would you, you and Tasmania playing with him? Yeah, I was, I spent a lot of time with George. Yeah. Um, all right. Maybe a Ryan Harris or, uh, I really, and Rick, like Ricky Ponting's completely different bloke behind the scenes than what you, than what you probably perceive him to be. Yeah.
Post bourbon and beef stay. Oh, he's got an alter ego after a few beers.
Maurice, Maurice Hussey. Good fun to be a part of. Well, this is all we wanted to hear. Who's the best bloke? Uh, what about you while I've just came to not best bloke, but while we're still talking crick and a little bit of politics and you probably don't realize it, but my claim to fame was actually you putting Scomo's face on my, on my photo. Allegedly. No, no, no. And then I'm still waiting for the royalty, honestly. Yeah. Oh, the night watchman. The Instagram likes that you guys got out of my glorious pool shot. I want some, some repaid.
A hell of a job putting his face inside a cricket helmet, you know, cause there's a lot of stuff, but obviously that was the article we had to run. We had to find an image for it, which was, uh, was, uh, after the leadership spill when the liberal party decided that they were going to send Scott Morrison out as the night watchman for the final swirl of the toilet.
Yeah. Cause, uh, cause when all of that was happening, uh, it's actually the same weekend as the Battuta races. So the office was, was, was quite empty. Yeah. Bare bones. At that stage, we had everyone down at the turf club and then, you know, when the spill happened, we had to hop back in the car, completely sober and head up to the office there on Daru street. It was just a short, just a short walk from where we are now. And then we, uh, obviously got the, uh, the graphics guy to really, you know, to, no, he nailed it. Yeah, he did. Yeah. Straight to get images. Yeah.
I thought he'd, uh, I thought he was probably going to go with, uh, with a Mark Cosgrove type person as opposed to, it was, it was an odd choice, but it's a very, uh, very flattering image. It was a big Kahuna, a West Indian who was a big unit. No, I used, I used to play for Bermuda. You're thinking of Dwayne Leverock.
That's it. That was a big boy. He took that absolute fucking screamer at second slip, uh, during the 2006 or three, well six, the one in the Caribbean, seven. Yeah. The Caribbean. Yeah. There's some great stories of the Bermuda boys. Just, I don't know a bloke who coached them and it just, cricket was a second, was a second. He was a cop with that bloke. Yeah, exactly.
They'd turn up at training days, blokes just wouldn't turn up. Game day, nowhere to be seen.
Oh, bless them.
And it's great to have these, you know, these, these countries involved in, um, of course, world cups and the like. Um, do you, do you ever get little kind of conferences going on the, those kind of international comps? Are you saying, did we like mix with other blokes from other teams? Have you ever been in a room, have you been in a room with, you know, uh, more than five different countries? Uh, probably not five, but I've certainly, you know, socialized heavily with members of the opposition and which is, it's, this oddity is it's kind of frowned upon, which is really like, I don't understand why you can't be friends off the field and try and kick their ass on it. So I've never, and I always played, um, knowing that, you know, some of the great memories you'll have won't necessarily be on the field or be meeting people from different parts of the world.
So, you know, like I, the night before the Ashes in 2013, I was at Graham Swan's house having a barbecue, uh, knowing that he was probably going to get me out a few times during the series, but good bloke, great fun. And you set yourself up for a few cashies in England. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he can put a good word in for me and we'll, you know, a few cashies here or there. So are you, um, are you on the, just in terms of like, maybe not cricket Australia, but in terms of the greater kind of, uh, squad, would you be on, uh, the Christmas card list, would you say?
Of the players or the administrators? Administrators. Probably not the administrators.
Yeah. I don't think they appreciate having the mirror held up to, uh, to what they're doing. And I think the joy of radio is you can actually dig pretty deep on a few of those issues. So over the summer, I think we, we tackled a few things that I don't think would have gone down too well. Uh, and they were never all that thrilled with a few things I used to say on social media, but the player of some of my best mates still play. So I'd certainly expect to be on the, on the Christmas card list of most of the playing group. And obviously we had that bitter, um, player dispute not so long ago as well, which was sort of ugly and got played out in public. So I don't know if I've, I've been forgiven for my role with the ACA in that maybe. Well, uh, you did have to go up against, uh, their chief sort of ring kisser in Michael Slater. I mean, uh, that was, yeah, no, that was a incredible interview. Caught me a bit off guard. I must say that a fellow, uh, uh, yeah, a bloke that did so well out of the system that, uh, but anyway, we've kissed and made up. We had a beer this summer. Yeah. Like it seems like there's a lot of personalities and, and I'm going to ask you cause you've, um, throughout this interview, you've proven yourself to be, you know, you have basically acceptable, uh, interpersonal skills.
Is the rumors true that most cricketers actually are massive nerds? Uh, no, I'd go the other way. I reckon the day of the nerd is almost dead. Unfortunately, you know, like people that almost think they're a bit cooler, like traditionally you had the Julio's and the nerds and that would be, you know, a pretty cutthroat line down the middle. Now I think being a nerd is a pretty lonely place in the cricket world.
Yeah. I think that Stuart McGill is probably the last big nerd that we're probably going to have. Chris Rogers, I reckon. Rogers. Yeah. Chris Rogers is a nerd. Smudge is a bit of a nerd. Oh yeah.
I can see Smudge playing on his Nintendo. A lot of play, yeah. A bit too much PlayStation. On his Gameboy, you know, just, yeah. In the dressing room going, uh, I'll pull him in at 600.
Not anymore. They're fielding four days out of five. Now let's talk about the toxic culture.
Did you think that was a big issue when they announced all the review? Did you think that was something that needed to be fucking tuned in or do you think that's a scapegoat? Do you think that's a, that's something I had to jump on?
Yeah. So that was something that I actually, anyone that had sort of been close to it, probably seen it coming for a while and would probably definitely agree with, with what Longstaff and, and the review came out with. So I think it's easy when I guess you're in the team and, and winning that just been in England to, to not really necessarily see the cracks that had been papered over. But I don't think the, the culture had been too good for, for very long. And I think Steve Smith probably took over a team that probably was, was fractured to, to a degree. And then it just, it just kept going. So do you, do you think, where do you think, like when we talk about toxic culture for the punter, that's not defined and that, that, Yeah, sure. And you can mix that with anything. You know, they might be thinking it's a bit Gillette, you know, or they might be thinking it's a bit bureaucratic or what is it? I mean, obviously a lot of us are saying sledging isn't necessarily what we think is the issue is the punter. We love, we love seeing a bit of niggle. Yeah. So I think there's a difference between niggle and personal abuse. Yeah. Um, I think the team probably overstepped the mark, but I think that was probably more a symptom of the, that wasn't the necessarily a culture. It was, it was a symptom of the entitlement that you could get away with anything. Yeah.
Um, whether it was scratching a ball with sandpaper, barking at someone on the field, like they were a dog, abusing someone about something else, you know, not really understanding that you probably do have a sense not only to yourself and the team to behave in a normal fashion. We're not asking for anything above normal codes of behavior. Broken fucking arm. Yeah, exactly. You don't go down the street saying you're going to break someone's fucking arm. You know, you don't bark at someone who doesn't serve you a drink, you know, or, you know, like abuse, even little things off the field, abusing white staff in Indian hotels. And yeah, like just the sense that of, of entitlement.
I don't think so. Interesting. Yeah.
So, so, and, and obviously that all came crashing down. So the review came too late. It'll be interesting to see what, um, comes of it though, because one thing's doing a review, the next is enacting change. Um, because I think it's easy to hone in on the team, but I think it was kind of pretty systemic in amongst the administrator as well. No, there's been a clean out, but all the appointments have been internal. You know, it will be interesting to see if anyone actually has the, the guts and courage to say, you know what, what actually was going on wasn't right. And we're fundamentally going to change our attitude to dealing with broadcasters.
You know, there's a horrible story of the, the former chairman of the board calling the, the, um, chairman of CNN, you know, a bottom for, not saying CBS, CBS, a bottom feeder, you know, like, yeah, that's just not a, that's not how you deal with people in real life. Well, it is from the Kerry Packer school of negotiation. The chairman of Craig Australia is no Kerry Packer.
Yeah. So there comes a certain element as we've all learned, as we've all learned with this most recent right steal. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Well, I think that the first, the first kind of taste that a lot of the Australian public got, that there was something a bit wrong in the team was, you know, that infamous showdown between Simon Cadditch and, and, and Michael Clark. You know, you've got Simon Cadditch who made his debut, you know, before 9-11, you know, in those two, in those 2001 ashes. And you've got, you know, a team, a team full of pups, really, you know, a team full of kids. And you had this, and you had this young bloke who, who didn't really want to kind of play by the rules, which had sort of garnered the team up until that point, a great deal of success.
Yeah, and that, that's like a couple of chapters ago, really. So, I don't know whether that was, that might have been, do you think that was, uh, individuals? I think that was two individuals, not saying eye to eye, and might have, there might have been some builder, there obviously been teammates in New South Wales for a while, you know, uh, not in the change room, you obviously hear it's stories of what happened and why, and, and the frosted tips, the frosted guy. I know who I'd back in a fight. It's quite crazy. I like cottage. The Eastern European, uh, heritage, you don't want to muck around with that bloke, man. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, it, we're lucky it didn't come to that because we would have, well, actually maybe, maybe we, we, it would have been good if it came to that because we would have had the review a lot sooner and we wouldn't have had, um, an entire nation, people who follow and don't follow cricket calling for a public beheading of Bancroft and Steve Smith about a year ago.
But look, it's, uh, it's, we're in the middle of a heat wave. We've had a week full of over 40 degrees here in the channel country. So it's getting a bit hot in the booth.
Um, we'll just, we'll just finish by asking it, what's next for you, mate? Oh, I don't know.
Actually, I haven't, I'm still in transition. And that's from professional sport to the real world, not otherwise. Um, just tell people you're in transition. People look at you a bit strangely these days.
Yeah. Um, It's 2019. That's exactly right. Um, which is fun. That's cool.
So what's next? I'm enjoying my job. What, you know, I don't know what the future holds, but you know, we'll keep, keep the eyes open and a couple more copies.
Oh yeah, definitely a few cashies here and there. So if there, if there's anyone out there that needs, you know, I've got all gears. Like I can do school events. I can do, you know, big corporate do's, you know, charity do's. And you can raise capital at the same time. That's exactly right. I can do the full, the full shebang. So versatile.
Is Spin King still around? You'd be a good ambassador for Spin King.
I don't know. I don't know if the ambassador jobs are that good for me. I think if anything, you've, you'd be a good ambassador for county to these days, you know?
Oh yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Anyway, thanks for joining us. Boys, absolute pleasure. First podcast of the year. Thank you, Ed. And that was Ed Cowan.
Should be an interesting blowback on this. He's said a lot of things. He's named a lot of names and that's good. That's what we like to see from our guests and from our former players who can actually talk about the game and, you know, and the circles that they've moved in without fear of, you know, losing out on any corpis or cashies, as he calls them. Yeah, he certainly is one of the more eloquent cricketers that I've had the privilege of speaking to, but, I'm sure there are some out there who are just as capable of stringing a few words together as Ed was. And I look forward to seeing him again when we take on the Sri Lankans down there in Canberra. That's it for this week.
I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the poker. |
TheOnion | Disney_Geneticists_Debut_New_Child_Stars | Kids at home, this next segment is for you. This Friday, the newest batch of Disney Channel stars grown in the Disney genetic engineering lab will be unveiled to the public. Right. Now, Tracy, most of our viewers are already familiar with a lot of the products that have come out of a Disney lab. I know I have. But how exactly do you create a Hilary Duff or a Miley Cyrus from scratch? Well, we're going to find out exactly how it's done right now because joining us live from the Disney lab is one of their lead geneticists, Dr. Andrew Rourke.
Welcome, Dr. Rourke. It's quite an operation you've got going on out there. Well, thanks, Jim.
So the stars that we see on TV are actually grown right here? That's correct. They're grown and developed here. We engineer their brains for advanced singing and dancing capabilities, even posing for photos. By the time they grow to desired size, these child stars are fully ready for the camera or the concert tours or whatever Disney chooses to put them in.
That is simply amazing. Now, how long does it take to actually create a star from scratch? Well, not very long at all. We use the exact same DNA structure for all of our stars.
Then we simply tweak minor details like hair color or skin tone. Right, yeah. We do have some footage here of some of the well-known creations that have come out of your lab. Let's take a look. Yes, well, that's model 6831-A, publicly known as Mitchell Musso, standard male base with a type 3 skin pigmentation. And that's model 6831-B. We give them slightly thicker eyebrows and type 5 skin. So it's sort of like putting a puzzle together there. Exactly, exactly. Amazing. Okay, here we've got some of the images of some of the newest models.
We're going to be seeing a lot of these kids in the future. It really looks like you have someone for every kid in America to love here. Well, that's the idea, Tracy. Our writers find it very liberating. For example, our new model Haley is a singing, dancing, snowboarding, half Japanese, half Indian girl.
Now, finding her in reality would be impossible. Right, but sounds like a surefire hit to me.
Oh, now this one's Zac Efron. I've seen him before. Yes, Zac was actually one of our earliest models. My daughters love him. I mean, he looks so real.
Actually, I think we could have done a better job with Zac. He could show more human tendencies.
If you look closely, you'll notice there's a certain deadness around the eyes. I do see that, yes. I'm sorry, it's hard for me to watch because all I see is all my mistakes. Boy, he seems flawless to me.
Well, he's holding up, but there was a bug in that first batch, and as a result, Zac's skin will soon begin to dissolve. No, poor Zac Efron.
All right, well, it's simply amazing. Dr. Rourke, thank you so much for coming in and spending some of your morning with us. I can't wait to see some of these new creations popping out of the lab. |
dropout | guy_fieri_responds_to_the_new_york_times_restaurant_reviewer | Uh-oh, looks like Peter Wells from the New Dork Times didn't like my new Besterun. Guy's American Kitchen and Bar in Times Square. He's eviscerating my new joint and he's doing it his way.
I just gotta check this out. Here's some quotes. Did you try the blue drink? The one that glows like nuclear waste? When you hung that sign by the entrance that says welcome to flavor town, where you're just messing with our heads? When we hear the words donkey sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about? I'm getting some of that resentment, some of that bitterness. You know what's really coming through? The predetermination.
This guy's got all kinds of questions and let me answer them all with my favorite word. Yes. That's my thing, hombre. Positivity. Guy, do you want to wear two wristbands on your forearm? Yes. Guy, do you want to write a cookbook with the dudes from Smash Mouth? Yes. Guy, are you a time traveler from 1997 who got sucked into a wormhole and deposited in modern times? Yes. And I will find a way back. I'm all about yes, and the world could use a few more people like me.
Portly, permanently sunburned SoCal Santa Clauses, dipping a finger in your sauce and telling you it's out of bounds. But bummer, you had a bad time at my new grub hub, but I hate seeing people down in the dumps. Oh, and speaking of dumps, if you guys from the times rule by again, make sure you don't order the ooey gooey moey beef bonanza burger with Guy's S.O.G. fries. The beef shipment we got last week is like Billy Zane at the end of Titanic. It went bad. Be careful or you might get a case of Galleria.
I would love you to come back on down to Flavortown. Hey, be like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the end of Can't Hardly Wait and give me another chance. If you do, we'll pull out all the stuff, including some new dishes that'll make your taste buds scream louder than me when I get my hair chemically whitened. Like Kickin' Chicken, Fieri's Fiesta Fajitas with deuce sauce, Guy's gargantuan gallon of gooey gravy and grits, Bodacious Blackened Beans and Baked Brie on a bed of brioche and bronzini bits. That last one is so good I'd eat it on a flip-flop. Scratch that, I will eat it on a flip-flop, cause that's what we're using for plates.
But hey, this is America and everyone's entitled to their opinion. I can't change their mind just like I can't change my look.
If I did, the other time travelers from 1997 wouldn't be able to recognize me as one of their own. I think the food at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar is off the chain wallet, but the Times and I are just gonna have to agree to disagree. But hey, one last thing before I go, Peter Welf. |
SaturdayNightLive | big_bench_snl | In Judge Carlotta's Court. If you don't mess up, you're gonna get messed up. I am not fooling around and the only thing tougher than one judge on the case is three. And the only thing tougher than three judges is ten, But why stop at ten when you can have 17? you're watching Big Bench.
Alright for the honorable everybody. Thank you. Bailiff Court is now in session. Hey, we don't all need to bang our gavels. They hear it. We got a lot of cases and even more judges, So let's start Plaintiff. please state your name, Thank you, your honor. My name is Ashley Jerns, and I'm here to say one thing and one thing only.
That man is a thief. What? Why would I steal from her? She's broke as hell.
Hey, hey, hey, no, this is not a circus. this is a 17 judge courtroom. Okay, and if you want to win today, you got to get a unanimous decision from every judge up here. I'm Judge Carlotta. Judge Tonkin is the cranky one. I don't got time for this.
Judge Honk is the cute one. I am gosh. Judge Alejandro is cute and Latin. I'm not. Who's these yellow And Judge Ben? well, he's gay. Imagine that a gay judge exactly.
Now, let's get on with it. Miss Jones. you said this man stole something from you. what did he steal? my heart, my car and my discovery card, but most of my heart. Okay, okay, this is Juicy. Now you got my attention. What can I say? Your honor? I'm a bad boy. Okay, Mr. Palis Arms on Earth, let us be the judge of that. It's just a mood. dramatically. Plus, her car is whack and her Discover card is Max. this is very unfair. Well, whatever injustice you may feel, think about what I'll have gone through As a judge who is also a gay man. You're fine.
So Miss Jones, where did you meet this man? I met him at my sister's wedding where he was married my sister.
This is juicy as hell. Now, how does your sister feel about that? Well ask yourself. I brought her with me today. Honestly, I told her to go for it.
I just wanted his ass out of the house. Hang on. hang on ma'am man. you cannot smoke in here. Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay, these people are the craziest people I've ever seen.
But I gotta introduce some more judges. Just below me is Judge Shiner, our sweet, simple pervert. Maybe everybody should just kiss. Next to him is Judge Tootie who we had to hire cuz she's Judge Judy's niece.
Hey, don't talk to me like that. Do you know who my aunt is?
And that's Judge Wanda who got hit on the head and now thinks she's on Shark Tank. The market doesn't need another hard sell sir. And for that reason, I'm out.
And did I mention Judge Ben is gay? A gay judge?
What's next? A dog Judge? Why? Yes, that is next. How you doing Judge Wolf? right, Mr. Ernst, We're ready for your final statement.
Wow. What Judge Wolf just said really struck me deep. I realized nobody's perfect, not even me. I'm gonna drop the case. Well, that's maybe the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me now.
Kiss. No, no, no. no, I think we're ready to rule. Guilty guilty. She pulled me and era, Okay. okay. I think we order in lunch now. Hamburger marriage and there it is Now we end the show like we always do with the wave. What's this miss Gonna show the logo. |
dropout | no_my_parents_aren_t_strict | and that is a 45 minute long story about my first hangover wild yeah that's why wild yeah I didn't have my first drink till I was 21 ah was it because your parents were so strict no they actually weren't very strict honestly really yeah why I don't know you just strike me as somebody who had strict parents I think that's a stereotype because I'm Indian not all Asian people are or have strict parents I'm not racist oh of course of course of course right yeah but didn't you say that your first kiss wasn't until you were 23 yeah because your parents are so strict no I didn't have my first kiss till I was 23 because I was afraid of dating because because I personally lacked courage and charisma cuz because I as an individual was a self-conscious little tomato cuz maybe you weren't getting that formation you needed at home no because society and the media didn't represent me and therefore that didn't affirm me and therefore that made me feel like I had no worth so put that in your pipe and fuck it man I love fucking pipes yeah you seem like a real pipe man yeah you know I've never really used a pipe well cuz of break a strict tiger pants whoa grant thank you it's tiger mom yeah come on grant tiger moms don't erase moms come on not what you should be come on in about guys my parents are normal levels of strict and not strict okay sure they're their own parenting quirks but stop trying to make it a cultural thing I as an individual made my own sad scared choices and you're trying to make that into an Asian thing and that is wrong I'm yes raff you're almost always wrong and I'm surprised no one's ever said that to you listen guys if my parents were so strict why is it that I've never had a babysitter hmm why did my dad try to give me wine in high school or why have I never had a curfew or a bedtime I bet you my parents can't name a single class I've taken at any school I've been at so what say you of that Wow seems pretty negligent yeah what you're just roaming the street like a wolf repressed energy strict I'm not always wrong hi I'm Rekha if you liked that video subscribe to dropout where you can chat with the cast in our exclusive dropout discord and once you sign up for that discord can you hook me up with your password cuz it ended up being a little more exclusive than we thought I'm the only employee that got rejected if you could give me your password I'd really appreciate it |
cracked | comedy_s_supporting_characters_who_deserve_more_credit | Cal Naughton Jr. If we're being honest, Ricky Bobby didn't deserve a friend like Cal, a guy who would let him slingshot into victory in exchange for little recognition and a slap on the back. Cal ascends to lead dog status at one point in Talladega Nights, but it never feels right, even to him. He's meant to be a supporting player, but don't sell him short. There's no shake without the bake. Shake your bake. Hit Girl. Do you know how hard it is to steal scenes from Nick, Mother, F, and Cage? Kick-ass producers were afraid that Hit Girl's ultra-violent scenes would turn off audiences, but it was the exact opposite. Jerry Gurgich, which may or may not be his real name, is the second banana of all second bananas. Sad sacks don't get much sadder, but Jerry's constant humiliation on Parks and Rec is our delight. Now, Bridesmaids is populated by the funniest women on the planet, all of whom are blown out of the water by Sister of the Groom, Megan. No surprise, Melissa McCarthy is a scene-stealer in almost every project she does. |
cracked | trailer_for_quentin_tarantino_s_gay_revenge_fantasy_movie_parody | He'll even look I Thought I told you this ceremony was an abomination in a legal Don't you bother getting up? I'm sure you're used to being on your knees That's funny, I usually like giant dicks Oh Suck my dick, how about just a hand job? Assholes won't quit man. They catch you. They'll go dark ages on your nutsack. I call Zed and the gift You know Just cuz I'm gay doesn't make me some freaky kidnapper rapist We will not submit to this freaky kidnapper rapist We will dominate his ass for we are the soldiers of the Lord and we will unleash hell upon this murderer That's our bitch judge him to death Gonna kill that Thank you You throw like a straight guy there Gay marriage is now legal literally everywhere in the world. Just like it happened in real life Are you looking at queer something?
Flaming Hey everyone, we're crack.com's after hours crew You'll notice we're wearing super cool and stylish shirts that you can actually get right now from the brand-new crack store called the crack dispensary It takes whatever kind of money you have to throw at it. Michael has this shirt Tell us a little bit about it Dan has this lovely shirt. It's the you know, tell us a bit about that shirt theater Katie's got a different shirt as well Tesla Soren my shirt has a thesaurus on it and it's full of golf balls |
cracked | 4_people_who_are_the_superheroes_of_not_giving_a_f_k_spit_take_theater | Hello internet and welcome to the next episode of the spit take today We're talking about why apparently every 80s TV household could somehow afford to live in a housekeeper. Oh That was quick. Do we have a second topic that we could do? Oh good You're listening to new slaves off Kanye West's album Yeezus and speaking of people who invent new ways to be obnoxious and a genius at the exact same time today's episode is about My mama was raised in the era when now don't confuse not caring and not giving people who don't care or boring they say stuff like that maybe tries too hard and People who don't give a fuck go out of their way to not give a fuck a lot of the time they care too much It's just that the thing they care about is making sure you know how little they give a fuck doing clothes You would have thought I had help but it wasn't for the elderly and lazy making the leap from walking to zipping around In one of those souped-up mobility scooters requires you to embrace a certain amount of shamelessness Outfitting that mobility scooter with rearview mirrors draping it with a fluorescent safety cape and insisting you have as much right to the road as anyone else Well that requires that you be completely out of fucks to give as he drives straight down the middle of the road past One sidewalk access ramp after another just block after block of completely empty sidewalk The other side of the road full of the sort of traffic jam.
He's almost certainly causing for miles behind him I find it helps the video viewing experience if you imagine He's making race car sounds with his mouth and just laughing his ass off the whole time because he probably is Little-known fact we have seriously considered just making this show about Russian dashboard cam footage whether it's a genetic Predisposition to nonchalance or the general sense that Putin is secretly watching and judging their manliness Science is yet to invent the situation that can get a Russians heart rate to speed up even a little bit So let's start things off simply. Here's a video of what happens when Russians drive into a river The answer is not much. Hey, did we just drive into a river? Yep Yep, yep yep, arenas Just drove into the old river and here we see how a Russian driver Responds to getting a front-row seat for a scene Americans only get to see in Final Destination movies So they have a Britney Spears in Russia, and it's considered appropriate explosion watching music Around the time that the black-eyed peas tell us that we are now rocking with will I am and Britney Britney You start wondering why is everyone just sitting around watching this like a fireworks display?
But then he appears to get a bad feeling and throws it in reverse Well throws is kind of a strong word for what he does, which is essentially this back it up Five miles per hour seems like a reasonable speed to be backing away from this impending explosion Fifth chemical fire this week. This is much more impressive when you realize he was right He had enough experience being around giant volatile chemical fires Did no one explosion was coming a full minute before it happened. He spent that full minute just chillin out In China convenience store workers aren't as slavishly devoted to maintaining a high quality of cashiering So this video might come as a culture shock to anyone who's ever bought something or robbed a convenience store in the Western world You're gonna answer Some fake a dingy sound up. She actually will tell the show you type then dingy award had a show You see I see this clerk was robbed three times in the span of a few months That's a horrifying scenario of just compounding PTSD for anyone else But if anything this is kind of just fucking upper texting schedule She appears to spend each life or death encounter trying to decide if it's rude for her to keep doing what she's doing Or if she should act scared by the third robbery the robber doesn't even take her phone He lets her keep texting while he goes to get something to open the locked cash register never crosses his mind that She might be using her phone to contact the police also never crosses her mind either So hey good judge of character Chinese armed robbers. They have since been apprehended and presumably executed horribly new slaves Let me be the first to say that if your job is to suffer the freezing cold howling winds and hot sun to bring me packages from Amazon Thank you five my way You'd all wear capes and drive batmobiles all of you that is except for this mail carrier notice that the grass is green the sidewalk Clear of ice or dangers of any sort as she opens the door you can see or consider throwing the packages at the porch But she clearly has a meter in her head that calculates the path of least fucks given for all scenarios It's the same meter that reminded her to change out of her uniform into a hot pink t-shirt between Picking up the truck at the post office that morning and making her rounds Yeah, it would have been easier to just wear the work uniform But not giving a fuck takes effort sometimes and changing into her brightest lattice tea sent a clear message It may look like I'm on the clock because I'm delivering your mail, but really you're all on my clock And it's half past below me when it comes to whether to throw the mail at the porch or not the meter tells her that she Can actually express less fucks given and the pain in her ass that these people are if she executes the delivery over multiple Movements, which body language experts agree must have sounded like this Idiot porch Yeah, nice try now you might assume that that was the end of the performance But pay attention to the way that she backs her opaque metal box of a truck over the lawn and sidewalk area faster than she actually Drove on to the lawn Notice the way she stops short of the road and makes sure her three-point turn happens all over their stupid lawn Medium talent might have considered their job complete But she knows her job is never done because she is the Batman of not giving a fuck and this is her uniform Hi, I'm a Beperson I direct some of the videos here on cracker calm I'm also an actor some of you didn't know I was crazy Raoul and the original agents of cracked I was in some today's topics where I you know talked to Katie Stoll and we fight about gender and stuff like that I was a shadow In an after-hours episode. It was actually a mistake. We cut it, but I was Simba in our animated Lion King sketch Or was that a dream? I was in a whole bunch of stuff.
Okay, you don't need to All you need to do is subscribe. Okay, just subscribe and stop asking me questions |
dropout | hardly_working_parents_game | Game over, sorry, that's why they call me the Monopoly guy That was fun, what else can we play? Oh Oh, I got one Do you guys know how would your parents react if you died? No, basically you just do what your parents would do if they found out you were dead What if you don't have a mom or dad? Okay. Let me just show you one. Okay, so this is my mom.
She'd be like Oh You don't know no one should ever have to bury their son like this My dad loves me so much he would like totally lose it. Yeah, he just like reduced to you mumbles and drooling and crying He's just been oh My baby boy. Oh my baby boy I think my dad would be kind of weird actually. He'd be like um, what?
No No, how could this be I just saw last week how could oh god bless you Weird that's kind of an understatement. Don't you think Josh you insensitive bricks? Oh Hello, hi, is this mr. Castles? Yes. Um, your son's dead No, no, how could this be I just saw him last week How could I see god bless you? Oh my god How did this happen? Well, this is really weird weird. It's kind of an understatement. Don't you think Josh you insensitive bricks? Mr. Castles, yeah, sorry. I dropped my gun and it went off |
TheOnion | Horrible_Couple_Really_Wants_Wedding_To_Reflect_Their_Personalities | Despite being objectively awful people, newly-engaged couple Ross Bird and Jessica Black want their upcoming wedding to really reflect their personalities, the pair revealed earlier this week. It's our one night, so we're pulling out all the stops to have the kind of wedding that just screams us. Yeah. It's so cool. We're going to have a bluegrass band playing 80s pop songs. Because Ross loves bluegrass, but I love 80s music. And then at the end of the ceremony, this is great, we're going to pass out sparklers to all the guests. Isn't that fun?
The couple's celebration of their quirky little bullshit tastes has been bankrolled by Ms. Black's parents, who have promised to spare no expense. What if we rented bicycles to get everybody from the ceremony to the reception site? Sources claim that a reading of Walt Whitman's poetry, a bunch of candles in fucking mason jars, and an Instagram photo booth will truly capture the essence of the insufferable pair. Best man Dylan Emerson has borne witness to the couple's smug, affected wedding planning. Ross asked that all the groomsmen grow out our facial hair so that we could shave down to mustaches in time for the bachelor party. Though calling it a bachelor party is not entirely accurate because he wants us to take a cycling tour through Utah's national parks. I mean, for fuck's sake. The colossally irritating couple confirmed the ceremony would include both a build your own Vietnamese sandwich bar and what they actually had the nerve to call a, quote, summer lovin' casual dress code. We didn't want some big stuffy ceremony. No.
It should feel more like a fun dance party for our friends. Because the night's about us, yes, but it's also about the people who make us us. And those people love us exactly for our uniqueness.
Sources hoped with every fiber of their being that these two would be divorced within a year. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops. |
dropout | what_is_the_best_way_to_take_over_the_world | Remember 9-11. Stay with me. Oh. Come on. I'm just saying. Remember 9-11.
Hello and welcome to The Rank Room. This is a show, a debate show, where we talk about life's most important questions and try to answer them. Today's question is, what is the best way to take over the world?
I'm joined by Trapp. Hello. Rekha. Hello. Rafael. Yo.
And I am, of course, Katie. Of course.
Don't cut me off. Raf, would you like to go ahead?
My first one is designated survivor. Very interesting. It's a TV show. A TV show, yes. So, picture this. Yes.
The United States government. Got it. The president is speaking. Let's call it a State of the Union address. Now, at this address, all of the government is at one place.
Yes. So, that's scary, because, you know, you could wipe out everybody in one place. Truth. What you've done. Oh, shit. Here you go. Here it is. You've become a congressperson. Oh, boy. I have, yeah. Because you knew that this day was going to come. So, you ran for congress and you won. That's important. Then, you got into the president's cabinet. Right. So, you're, like, in the circle, the inner circle of the circle. Wow.
So, now, you're in with the president. He's like, oh, yeah, that's my buddy. So, then, they come to the president. They're like, look, man, everybody is in this one place.
What if something happens? We need to have at least one person who's not...
I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking, but just let me finish. Let him finish. I'm going to let you. Let him finish.
Go ahead.
So, they come to the president, and they're like, everybody's going to be in one place. We need at least one person in case something happens to everybody.
Yeah. Interesting. So, then, the president says, let's designate one person. Mm-hmm. It's a surprise.
Wait a minute. Let's designate it. Wait. You have to wait. Hey, I'm waiting.
Raphael, I'm so sorry about Trump.
Please, go. Okay. So, then, the president says, all right, I will designate one person who will take... We've gone through this. Please, come on.
You're cheating. You're still saying who it was.
Okay.
So, you've been designated to survive. Right. We got it. Okay. But what you've done is you've planned an attack, because you knew this was coming. Right. And now that attack happens, now they have to go with you. Okay. Everyone dies, but then you say it was aliens. Oh.
Can you offer a second? Because right now, you're only the leader of America, right?
Yes, that's right. But that's not the question. The question is, how do you rule the world? The world. Yeah.
So, what happens is you convinced the world that it was aliens, and they came after America. So, now everybody's like, oh, no, it's aliens.
We can commit. My God. So, then, you know how the world... Yeah, the talk. Yeah, we know. So, then, you're like, yeah, we need to band together.
Remember 9-11. Stay with me. Oh. Come on. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, remember 9-11. And remember how everyone banded together. Remember that?
Yes. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm saying, that's what's going to happen. Around you. So, you're the leader. Yes. Got it. Break up.
I can't believe... Wait a minute. ...that you spent 15 minutes explaining what a designated survivor was, and then just breeze right over. I will convince them that aliens... I don't know what that is.
Okay, no taking. Raf, I need... I need you to be better at this. Rekha, would you like to go?
Yeah, okay. Thank you. My answer... There's some similarities to Raf's. Uh-oh. Secret cure is my answer. You develop a cure to a disease that, honestly, you probably created, too. Okay? And this disease is rampant. Everybody's getting it. Yes. It's huge. It's like, remember SARS? Oh, maybe. And you develop the cure. Mm-hmm. And some people are coming to your door, please. Right. Help me, I need the cure. Right.
Oh.
It's so cute. You don't make fun of me. It's so cute.
I'm sick. Oh, you need the cure. I need... Not yet. Oh, you need the cure. That's not how I sound, but I need the cure.
Yes. And you lord it over the whole world. They must listen to you to get even a fraction of the cure. I think this is a very fun idea. Thanks. Yeah, I kind of really wanted it to be like a party. Yeah.
People dying outside your door. They're begging for stuff that you won't give them. I will say it is a dream of mine to have something that everyone wants. Like a cure to a disease that you gave them.
That or shoes. Like something that everyone... Shoes? ... could be shoes. Could be a vaccine. Could be shoes.
Or, okay, I don't talk like that. I don't know. That's at its fault. I was honestly confused for a second. I was like, how did baby get over there? Who's talking?
Try. Would you like to go? Sure. My first proposal is insect army. Yes.
Like ants? Like ants. Not the movie ants. Like bug. Like beetles?
Like, yeah. You got it.
Butterflies. Listen, I don't need to explain for 20 minutes what an insect is. Insects. They're everywhere. And people hate them.
Thank you. You got wasps. Yeah. Flying in. Stinging people. Scorpions. Big furry bees. Yeah. You got ants stealing food for you. Yes.
I did write insect army. Some of the things we said like scorpions are not insects. But scorpion is not an insect. Scorpion is an arachnid. Like a spider. Wait, spiders aren't in your army? Your army hates sharks.
Excuse me. Sorry.
My army is great. I don't need spiders. You need spiders. I thought this army would have spiders. Yeah, I don't want to invest in it. Sharks, listen. My insect army. It's going to be great, okay? Now, I'm willing to give you 10% stake of the world for a little bit of investment in my insect machine.
Hello, everyone. Hi. Thank you for joining me today. I love having you guys here.
It's literally required. I had to reschedule stuff.
Okay, my idea is get them while they're young. Cigarettes, I'm taking the same sort of approach. So, in the first five years of a child's life, that's when it's super important. You really impact the rest of their learning, the rest of how their brain develops, everything.
So, my thinking is you take advantage of this by giving them little messages about how I, Katie Marovitch, should be the ruler of the world. In lullabies, it's going to have a slight averse about Katie Marovitch. In children's programming, little hidden messages of me with the thumbs up, you know, just subliminal things that will help a child to realize that I should be the ruler. When these babies are a voting age, they will elect me as their leader.
It is a slow burn, but it will burn. It's a long con. It is a long con.
It's very democratic, though. You aren't going to vote for yourself.
Right. Who's putting all these messages into your things? I would. You would. Yes. You have control over children's programming. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the easy part.
Just like the insect army. Yeah, just like the insect army is easy.
Whatever the hell, Raph. Well, to become a congressperson is not that hard. Step one, read.
Do we like it or no? Yeah, he is. I like it.
Get them while they're young. I think it's also good if you get them while you're young because it's such a long con.
Exactly. So I need to start today. What if you've implanted all these messages of like Katie giving a thumbs up and stuff, but then you have like some huge accident and your face looks completely different. Oh, shit. They don't even know. That's a really good point. I guess I would have to put on like a Katie mask or something. Yeah. If you do this and then I put on a Katie mask. Don't do it. Seriously.
You could sing a white female. Hey, guess what?
It's Raph's turn. Raph's turn.
I was going to say that.
You are slowly losing control of the show. I hate it. I hate when this happens. This happens every little show.
All right. Media, they're in. So this one. Someone start the timer. How long is this? All right. Go ahead. Media, they're in.
So this is a person who, you know, controls a lot of the media. This would be me, I guess. And you owned a media holding company, which is just it's a company that buys a whole bunch of small other media companies like a newspaper or like a YouTube channel or like a dating app. Why is this making you laugh? Because he's describing I.C. The most important thing you got to do for this specific plan is to get a newspaper or news channel. That way you control the dissemination of information.
And also with the news thing, you have all these politicians and people trying to get on TV, right? Because they like to be on TV. Oh, they love the TV.
And now you have all these friends. Interesting. In high places.
So you create a think tank. Maybe more than one. In ways to solve problems like world hunger and stuff like that.
Then you make political contributions. And then they help you out. Or then you start running yourself. Then, you know, once you got a random Lambert.
Like. Like Lively.
All the country.
I'm hearing that you just want to start Fox News. You want to start a media company that attracts.
This had been brought up to me prior to getting on camera. Interesting.
Isn't this a Fox show? Yeah, have you just been watching a lot of Fox?
Is this going to be like a... Who's your mom? So, Rekha. You don't get such a guess. Yeah, that's my job. Rekha, would you like to continue? No questions for me, correct? Katie, you'll get your chin. I mean, I think we've asked all of you.
I mean, that was so long, Garth. It's crazy how long you talk for.
Rekha? Yes. Would you like to go?
You're welcome, everyone. No one said thank you.
So, have any of you wanted to be in a band? Hell yeah. Not really.
The singer. I'd love to be the singer of a band. A punk band. I could be a singer.
Okay. So, you in high school want to be in a punk band. Yeah. You're with your friends. You're jamming. Totally. You get big. That's cool. Awesome. Subliminal message concert is my answer. So, you're in a big punk band and you're doing well in your big band. But you want to take over the world now. What have you done with these punk friends? I'm thinking they're equal to you. They are little stepping stones on the way to your house. Okay.
You're going to start writing little subliminal messages. Subliminal.
Sublime. And you're a part of Sublime, by the way. So, you put some messages into your songs, okay?
And by the way, you're huge. They say you're big. You're huge.
So, you're touring internationally. You've got little subliminal messages like, listen to me. Yes. I'm sorry. Your subliminal message in the band is, listen to me.
They're already doing that. And then people are buying these albums. They're buying your...
Whoa. They have this overwhelming compulsion to listen to. And they have an overwhelming compulsion to listen to you. Yes. And you slowly inject these messages over time until everyone comes to you as an authority. They're looking at your Twitter account first when news comes out. They're asking for your hot take. They're asking for your think pieces. Then slowly, by controlling the media, you are taking over the world through music.
You are God! Brooks!
I didn't know where we were going with that. I should have had hand movements with mine.
I like the message that you can change the world with music. And usually people think about that for good. It can also be for evil. And that's nice to know. Impress us.
My second one is, one big bet. I thought it said beat. Nope.
That'd be fun too. No, this imagines a sort of Bond style, high stakes, baccarat or poker type game. With all the leaders of the world. And then just sort of like, you know, after everyone's kind of like gone through their cash, they kind of got the thing, one last big hand. It's like, you know what? Like, let's make this interesting. Why don't we all just like, just bet the country that you're in charge of. So you're already running the United States. No, I'm just a dude. But all the other leaders of the world are there. And I sort of like snooker them into like, as like a card shark kind of thing. And get them all to be like, ah, this is going to be great. And they all kind of bet the country that they happen to be in charge of. And then in the bet, it's like, oh, well, sorry, full house.
I guess I now control all the countries because you bet it. And I guess by evil I control the world.
I love it. Damn, that could feasibly happen. It's very James Bond, I think.
I don't know. Is it? Have you never seen James Bond? I have. I was never fully listening. To me?
Katie, would you like to say not be? Do not introduce me.
Anyway, my final idea is hypnosis. It's a word I often say wrong. Imagine, if you will, the world as we currently know it. I decide, you know what? I've got some pretty good ideas. In fact, my ideas should be dictating what happens in this world.
Here's the problem with being the world leader, though. Once people know you're the world leader, somebody's going to try to come and kill you. So my plan is to hypnotize the world's leaders.
So they would do as I said. I'd say, listen to me. They would listen to me.
And so here's the thing. Other people might be killing them off. No big deal. No sweat off my back, is that a saying? Yeah.
Because I can hypnotize the next one. You should hypnotize the next one.
So it can be literally my entire life. Oh, just Katie Marovitch, a girl who works at College Humor, but secretly is running the world.
That sounds busy. I would be, maybe I would come like part-time, do a part-time job here. I think it's noble that you would stick with what you love. Yeah, I love sketch. You have like this thing on the side. I love the ring crime.
Yeah. This feels very similar to Subliminal Message Concert. Okay, so all my ideas are the same. I'm sorry. I'm just pointing out some similarities.
I struggled in this challenge to come up with answers because it seems like a hard task to take over the world. I think I wouldn't want to. It does seem difficult. No, I wouldn't want to either. I would absolutely not want to.
The world sucks. Yeah, I don't want that on my hands. No, no. Now it is time to eliminate and rank.
Raphael. Yes? I turn to you first. Which of these eight do you want to see in the top three? Maybe.
It's me.
I got to go with one big bit, just because I think it could happen. This is the most likely, not the two you did that are already things. Rika, please, of these remaining...
This is what Fox News does. And they do have a lot of them. This is effective. They convince a lot of really, you know, people. They're people. I was going to say poor people that don't know that this is all propaganda and it's bad.
Right. Microtrapped. I guess I would like to choose Subliminal Message Concert. Yes.
I don't know why. I just feel compelled to choose that one. It's just like a deep feeling inside me that I just have to listen to the arguments being made here.
Excellent. Not a really good reason, but that's fun to choose. Cool. Yeah, very cool. Excellent.
At this time, I will invite you to dramatically toss aside the ones that have not been chosen. Oh, I hate this. In third place, we're going to do One Big Bet. Here's the thing.
Love it. I don't think it could happen. So it's almost like you're ranking it third because of the reason that Raf chose it to be in the top three.
Yes, exactly. In second place, I will do Subliminal Message Concert. In first place, the real thing that has happened, media baron, which makes sense to me. Yeah, that sucks. Well, that was it for this episode of The Rank Room.
If you have any suggestions for questions that we should try to answer in the future, please leave them below in the comments.
I'm Katie Marovitch. Good night. And I am Katie Marovitch. Good night. I'm Katie Marovitch, the host of this show. It is my show. You may leave now. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_RoboCop | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'm going to be looking at the new movie RoboCop, a futuristic sci-fi thriller about a cyborg policeman and a remake of the classic 1924 film The Robotic Police Officer, a landmark motion picture made during the height of Hollywood's silent era. Directed by Jose Padilla, RoboCop tells the story of Alex Murphy, a police officer in a futuristic crime-ridden Detroit, who after suffering a near fatal attack, is forced to continue fighting crime from within a cybernetic suit. Audiences will, of course, recognize this as a clever modern reimagining of The Robotic Police Officer, in which a man made from leftover machine parts turns on his mad scientist inventor, gains his freedom, and joins a local police department. The original film, distributed by First National Pictures and directed by revered film pioneer Sidney Irving, revolutionized the art of cinema with its riveting tale of a mechanical man who struggles to adapt to human society while catching burglars on the streets of old New York. The 2014 update, of course, manages to remain fairly faithful to the classic story, with a few changes. In RoboCop, our hero faces off against the leaders of the evil conglomerate Omnicorp and their army of fully automated drones, which is a daring departure from the Robotic Police Officer's central antagonist, the dastardly Hector Schenk, played to perfection by silent movie icon James Marcus Randall. Missing from the new RoboCop, however, is the dynamic between the Robotic Police Officer and the female lead Anita Bronkstein, played by silver screen siren Elise Bertram, who attempts to reach the Robotic Police Officer's heart and show him that he is, in fact, truly human on the inside. Silent screen legend Warren T. Corbett did a remarkable job humanizing the original film's complex central character, and while Joel Kinnaman is a serviceable lead in the remake, he seems daunted by the task of topping one of cinema's most iconic performances. Ultimately, while the new RoboCop is a diverting sci-fi venture, I must recommend that moviegoers take the time to re-watch the original Robotic Police Officer, a movie that is truly one of the great achievements of the silent era. We can only imagine what great heights its actors and creators would have reached had they not all perished in a fire that occurred during the movie's premiere. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. National Pictures, and directed by revered film pioneer Sidney Irving, revolutionized the art of cinema with its riveting tale of a mechanical man who struggles to adapt to human society while catching burglars on the streets of Old New York. The 2014 update, of course, manages to remain fairly faithful to the classic story with a few changes. In RoboCop, our hero faces off against the leaders of the evil conglomerate Omnicorp and their army of fully automated drones, which is a daring departure from the robotic police officer's central antagonist, the dastardly Hector Schenk, played to perfection by silent movie icon James Marcus Randall. Missing from the new RoboCop, however, is the dynamic between the robotic police officer and the female lead Anita Bronkstein, played by silver screen siren Elise Bertram, who attempts to reach the robotic police officer's heart and show him that he is, in fact, truly human on the inside. Silent screen legend Warren T. Corbett did a remarkable job humanizing the original film's complex central character, and while Joel Kinnaman is a serviceable lead in the remake, he seems daunted by the task of topping one of cinema's most iconic performances. Ultimately, while the new RoboCop is a diverting sci-fi venture, I must recommend that moviegoers take the time to re-watch the original robotic police officer, a movie that is truly one of the great achievements of the silent era.
We can only imagine what great heights its actors and creators would have reached had they not all perished in a fire that occurred during the movie's premiere.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
ClickHole | watch_how_these_kids_react_to_a_boombox_playing_a_recording_of_their_parents_fighting | What is this thing what is this a radio or something? I think we used to have one of these in our house Kind of looks like it's staring at me. I have no clue what this is It's called a boombox before there were iPods and smartphones people use boomboxes to listen to music. Why is it so big? It's ancient. This looks like something from a museum.
How do you turn this on? Just push the button with the little triangle on it Like this seriously going to tell me to my face that I don't sacrifice enough for this family.
No, you're putting words No, how do you think undermine me in front of the kids? Having too much fun playing good cop to realize it, please I try to take five damn minutes for myself after work and you try to make me feel guilty for taking just a little Time for myself plenty of time for yourself. Rick. What are you talking about? When if you've got something to say talk to me like an adult Whatever happened to stopping at three drinks Sarah what clearly you have no idea about the things I do for you and for this family everything for this family win because I know I've been feeling pretty damn Suffocated in my own home. How do I make this stop rear? I give up my body to have our kids tell them any responsibilities to your family back home. Yes suffocated This is so absurd. Are you listening to yourself?
Yep. It was a party. Okay, Mike. I am allowed Drinks were a little bit stronger than I thought. Okay |
dropout | hardly_working_bullet_trick | Marily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
Yes. You guys are right. That was a total waste of time. Okay, let's do it again. Yeah.
One, two. Magic. Sleight of hand. Smoke and mirrors. What you will see tonight is none of these things.
Good evening, I am Patrick and this is Daniel. We know who you guys are.
Why are you wearing jackets? And why are they filthy? We put them on in the bathroom.
Now what you are about to see is real danger. Yes. What boy hasn't dreamed of having an apple shot off his head? Well, tonight, I live that dream. Let's just hope it doesn't become a nightmare dream. Daniel, are you ready? Then I suggest shutting your ears. This might get loud. One, two.
Yeah, we have better things to do. All right, guys. One, two, row, row. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, Dale and I put a lot of effort into this little trick. We had to get changed in the same stall at the same time, so the least you can... Hey, guys, we're working.
Oh, my God, he's been shot. Someone call 911.
I'm on it.
Hold on. Oh, hold on. Hold on. |
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