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SaturdayNightLive | vampire_weekend_capricorn_live_snl | Once again, Vampire weekend. to drive, kept the car, the year that you were born. finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. a hospital that didn't have the time.
I'd seen it come. it's no surprise.
I know you're tired of trying. listen clearly, you don't have to try. can't let you out.
Finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all.
Oh, someone was dead.
I looked for answers that they wouldn't mind to find. good days come, not just to die. you're tired of trying. Listen, baby, you don't have to try. can't let you out.
Finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. kept the company that you bought. finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. And the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. hospital, they didn't have the time.
I'd seen it come. it's no surprise.
I know you're tired of trying.
Listen clearly, you don't have to try. can't let you out. Finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. or someone else does. I looked for answers there. they wouldn't mind to find. good days come. not just to die. you're tired of trying. Listen, baby, you don't have to try. can't let you out. Finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. kept the company that you bought. finished fast, and the next one wasn't yours. too old for Daniel, too young to live alone. sifting through centuries for moments of it all. thank you. |
dropout | Vengeance_Improv_Musical_Challenge | It is I, Jeribald Henry, returned to Mirkmere after two years away. And the reason he's returned?
Vengeance. Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly what my prompter says. Um...
Vengeance against someone wronged you terribly? I'm from Mirkmere. Of course I've been wronged terribly. But now our antihero will tell their backstory and mission in a scene and song where the band will occasionally cut out forcing our singer into a dramatic acapella. Just another son of Mirkmere coming back home coming back to the city that makes you live and die alone. I've gone from this place for two years and that's a third of most lives.
And it's because I'm coming back for vengeance and I will not compromise because this place has done me wrong and now I'm back! Ha ha ha ha ha! For vengeance! Back! For vengeance!
Someone did me wrong. How did they do it?
Soon I'll say.
But I'm back for vengeance. They'll repay. One time somebody didn't pay me for a ride. And so I thought I should get vengeance on them.
Is it like that? Is that why you hide? No! Worse than that than not being repaid by a donkey ride where he danced.
Now I'm back because I want a second chance.
Vengeance! I had a small store once and I used to sell tiny boxes you could put a button in so you wouldn't forget where your button was if it fell off your waistcoat for your outer coat I didn't sell buttons and I didn't sell thread and I didn't sell needles not in my head No, I just sold a tiny little box for a button But then my sister started a second store right next to mine and she sold buttons, she sold thread she sold noodles and twine but she also put them into a tiny box Yeah, we all know the store it's called Button Boxes Thread and Beyond Buttons Boxes Thread And... Vengeance! |
dropout | badman_the_outtakes | He wears makeup, he has an afro. The Joker wears... Where? Sorry, what's the line?
You broke your one rule. I have one rule. I think I broke my hand. And all of Gotham's... I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna try.
And all of Gotham's... I'm so sorry. Just last week I saw a guy waiting for the bus. I thought it was the scarecrow. I'm pretty sure I killed him. I mean, I straight up murdered him. Oh my god!
I told you a riddle. You were supposed to say bullet. And then I was gonna shoot you. Like this. I don't have any time for riddles. Fuck you.
We're not dating. She's dating Bruce Wayne. Who by the way is like super cool. Oh yeah.
Where were the other drugs going, huh? It was Pacino like, ah yeah. Where were the other drugs going?
Yes, it's the Ray Romano. Why look like a cop? Living queens. Hey. Hey, how you doing? Smog Wobbe, yeah. I'm the fighter. I was in I Hot Huckabee's.
You like that movie? What was that movie about?
Where were the other drugs going? With the Zippo and Dippo and stuff. I've been just snorting. Better you get real high.
Really?
She's just gonna, you're just gonna keep pulling me up and down. Where were the other drugs going? Where were they going? I don't want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. Where were the other drugs going?
Oh my gosh, you won't believe this. What, Bruce Wayne is Batman? I tell you what, Bats, it's a real dark night, huh? You're driving me, Batty.
Who's the Joker now? Joker? Where?
Exorcist.
It's an owl man. Oh, it's the Batman. Speak of him. He's behind you. That'll prove that it's not me, Bruce Wayne.
I'm gonna go over here and eat a Faberge egg. Harvey, use that gun you're holding on to face next time he shows his faces. Such a fucking idiot. Scary face. Remember that? I think I have a recall on this.
Your primal fear is Girl Scouts? You'll stop saying it. You'll make them come. Why are we training children to love bears? They are our natural foe.
Great. I don't want a nap. Yield it. Fuck. You want to feel it? Animal style. Our second date will sit in the hammock in the Bahamas. I'm so sorry. Sometimes the sexiest thing a woman can do is forgive.
Rubber sheets, rubber suit, squeegee, aisle 69. That's a big supermarket. The clean slate.
Computer, fix the autopilot. Error, error. No autopilot.
Why am I even doing the voice? You know it's me.
Goodbye, Gordon. Goodbye.
Tell Alfred to suck it. I guess we're both suckers. To arrest the penguin and let Stabby McBress plate run around.
Good. All right. Great. Gotham City, folks. Oh, he's Bruce Wayne. No.
What is your name? My name is Hampton Hanging Fork. Hampton. Did you say that because there's a pig hanging next to me? My name is Hampton Huge Vat.
If you think that was funny, click on our faces to subscribe to College Channel. Subscribe to College Humor's YouTube channel. And if you didn't think that was funny, um...
You lost it at the end there, huh? Damn it. It's fine. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michael_che_s_doorman_carl_on_the_new_york_rental_market_snl | New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl. just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven't given me an end of the year tip yet. you just started. Oh, well, maybe soon then.
Man, you remember that night? things got wild. I talked to the police for you. I don't remember that. I know, right? hard to keep track of all the crazy names when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. you have to remember which night is wild and which night is just rugged.
Oh, man. we live in that life, Che. We? yeah, man. we doing the damn thing. my dog. So, what's this? what you doing here, man? this is Snl, man. this is my job. Oh, oh, okay. Oh, so you're just out here making the big bucks in a half-suit and jeans.
Hey, buddy, Che. Che. what, man? you know that lady came around looking for you again, right? who? you know the one. that lady. she's like real smart. All right. she came to the building again asking about you, man. But don't worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right? why would you say that? I'm absolutely here in New York on live Tv right now. yeah, but she ain't watching. Okay. well, thank you, Carl. hey, Che. Che. you know that little kid came around looking for you, right? he was talking about, Tell Che, my mama said he got to take me to the zoo. he said his name was the Michael or something.
I don't know, man. I'm just a vessel. Oh, my God. that's not my kid. that's right. that's what I told that little dummy. that's right. Che, teamwork. make the dream work. Well, thank you for stopping by, man. hey, Che. okay. you know that dog came around looking for you, right? he got that bark like, grrr. che, che, Che, Che. I swear that's what he be saying, man. I understood the dog talk though, yeah. hey, man. who is Cornelius? I don't know. you sure? Because every night at eight o'clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, tell Michael Che, this is from Cornelius. and if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.
But New York is wild, man.
Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, who's watching the building right now? Oh, don't worry.
I put a sign up that says, if you're looking for Michael Che, just call 917- don't give them my phone number. why not? that's against the rules. it is? Well, I guess that's why I'm a doorman, and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans. Call my doorman, everybody. Hey, man, it was six cats looking for you. |
TheOnion | The_Onions_Tips_For_Nailing_A_Job_Interview | Going in for a job interview can often be an intimidating and stressful experience. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for nailing a job interview.
Always remember that a firm handshake is key for a good first impression, but even better is a great kiss. Pull him in close and kiss him deeply and passionately.
Try to stand out from other potential candidates, and bring in a bag filled with the bloody scalps of the company's chief rival CEOs, just to show you're willing to go the extra mile. It's important to use your job interview to ask your own questions about your prospective employer, such as, what happened at Obsidian Corp's Project 18 to cause the mysterious disappearance of President Herman Langley? Why was CEO Jim Nichols found covered in blood at the bottom of a well?
What is your role in all of this, Harry? How far up does this go?
Also remember, good body language is crucial when interviewing, so avoid poor choices in posture for one that exudes confidence and professionalism. And lastly, it's good to follow up every interview with a handwritten thank you note, along with photos you've personally taken of the interviewer's wife and children throughout their day. There, now you're ready to ace your next job interview. Thanks for watching the onion's tips. |
TheOnion | Ms_Butterfly_Teachers_Ep_4 | Teachers, Wednesdays at 8 on the Onions Family Channel.
You've been so nice. We appreciate it.
Really. And Lee, he loves you. He really does. He comes home all the time.
One thing. Art. I did see that on here. Yeah. Unfortunately, I don't teach art. How can a kid in sixth grade be getting a D in art? Yeah, yeah. That's a great question. I mean, do they expect him to know how to draw like a professional? No, regardless, it's sixth grade. Right. A D in art.
He loves you, though, in your class. And we know you're very generous with the grades. I've noticed that. And we appreciate that. That's nice.
I can go ahead and share this. Okay. The art teacher is kind of a bitch. Uh-huh, yeah.
She doesn't have much going on in her life. Lonely? Very lonely.
She changed her name to Miss Butterfly, I have a feeling, right? Yeah, yeah. So she's like- She's needy. And she's vegan. Vegan, yeah. So she kind of has a few issues that she doesn't leave outside of the class.
Right. I feel like that's where Lee's getting this D from. Yeah, I want to know how I can change that D. I mean, you're more than welcome to meet with Miss Butterfly if you want to waste your time. But I have a pen right here, so- Could you just- There you go. Right there. You can make that an A even. See how D and just put two- There you go. I mean, it is a little bit misshapen, but it is art, so- Interesting. Who gives a shit? Am I right? Yeah. So what else we got? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_212_Ben_Gillies | The federal election is over and we are so, so very happy to see the back of it. To celebrate that, today we are treating ourselves by not interviewing a politician or a political staff or anyone else who works in the swamp that is Canberra.
Never again.
You know, it's good that the Diamantina River is in minor flood, the country's coming back to life much like the country. Yeah, absolutely. It's just such a relief. We did fucking eight back-to-back interviews with MPs and candidates and preference whisperers and all those kind of fucking losers and it's all done. It's a great relief. We can move on.
The news cycle is changing and today we are interviewing an icon, a titan of Australian music. Someone who can bring us into this new morning with a bit of hope and a bit of music.
Thank you for joining us. Ben Gillies. Yeah. Thank you for having me. That's what I bring. Hope and music. Absolutely.
You've been kind of doing that for quite a while. From the very start when you guys were 12 years old in Silverchair, I think that's the yarn, isn't it? That's when we started, yeah. That's when we formed the band.
That was actually a G up by me because I was making a joke about how everyone always says you were so young. You were actually 12? We were actually 12.
I was like, oh, he's done his research. Yeah.
No, I was still being told to go to bed by prime possum at that age, I think. Not big dog? Prime possum? No, prime possum. Okay.
Did you hear a big dog? You know a big dog?
That's more of a Hunter region TV. It's north coast.
Okay.
Well, that is very interesting that what was a joke turned out to be a fact. Twelve-year-old thrashing around in a garage in the Steel City and strength to strength to strength from there, all the boys have gone in different ways. Chris has gone into pubs, Daniel has gone into production land and lending his talents to different people here and there.
Also done a podcast recently, I really enjoyed that one, learning about you guys top to bottom and yourself, you've been making music. Yeah, that's what I like to do. Back on the ground with a solo single. Yeah, so I guess over the last couple of years I've just been trickling out some singles. It's good, it doesn't feel like you have the pressure of doing a full album. I like singles, they're good. So yeah, I guess I've got a new single out and I've got plans to do more singles and then hopefully an EP and hopefully a record next year.
Oh, okay. So I want to ask now Ben, it sounds like you've got a lot going on. Plans for an EP and a tour, you've got six-month-old twins at home as well. Yeah.
How has fatherhood shaped your output? I haven't done much in the last few months.
No, well they do say that the first 12 weeks is the hardest. The first six weeks, yeah, the first six weeks to me were just hell. They were really punishing.
But you know what, have you guys got kids? No, no, no, well, estranged, yes. Right, right, right. Is that true? Well, you know, they live with their respective mothers from different parts of the country. But yeah, never really there for the early childhood. Myself, explain that to us.
It's everything that everyone tells you about kids and being a parent is true. Like it's the most amazing thing that you'll ever do and you love those humans more than, you just can't love anyone like you love them.
But no sleep.
That's good. But yeah, look, it's amazing. It's amazing. A lot of work but it really, it's really rewarding and when you, you know, this morning before I came down to see you guys, you know, I gave my boys a, you know, a kiss and a cuddle before I left and you just go, oh, it just makes you feel so good.
Yeah. Loud noise. Not really good with six month old twins that you're trying to keep asleep at the same time. You adapt. Yeah. That's what you do.
So say, I like to play a bit of piano when I write. So you just pop one on your lap and you just play away and you get more of like windows in time. So usually, say if you get home from work and you want to watch a series, you know, you know, you've got a couple of hours up your sleeve, you get a couple of episodes.
Now it's more like I've got a 40 minute window. What can I achieve in that 40 minutes? What's the most important thing that I have to get done?
So yeah, it's just lots of those through and for, you know, it's not always 40. You can get five, you can get 10, whatever it is.
You just make the best of it. Can you tell us what you're playing nowadays, you know, when you're doing your stuff solo? Yeah, because there's a lot of people who think that a drum solo album would just be like a 40 minute cover of John Henry Bonham's Maybe Dick.
Yeah. Really.
I used to see all your favorite tracks as like just the drums. Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells type thing, type thing, yeah. I like to write on piano just because I do find like a lot of people write the best music on the instruments that they're not the most familiar with because you're not trained, you're not like, Oh, I can't do that. You just, so I get on the piano, I kind of have a rough idea of, you know, chord structures, but I don't know enough that I can just muff my way around and like what sounds good is, and what I like, I just go with that. Yeah, I think, you know, I heard this bloke in a bar tell me that Paul Kelly originally wrote How to Make Gravy on a Theremin.
So I guess that story checks out Ben. Yeah, it checks out. I'm pretty confident that it checks out, yeah, you know.
I want to ask for you particularly, but also for the band. When did you guys become musicians? Because you were rockers, you know what I mean? Like, I don't think if you're starting a band at 12 years old, you haven't come out of the con. You aren't musicians at that point, you're kids with guitars and drums. It's pretty raw, yeah. When did you become people who make music as opposed to people who just belt it out?
Well, the history of it, I started playing drums at eight and I was getting lessons and played in the school band and I actually played in the Marching Koalas in Newcastle. It's quite fun. And Dan and Chris, I remember them, they were playing trumpet in the school band.
Yeah, so we weren't very trained, I guess, when we formed the band at 12. And we'd grown up, yeah, we definitely hadn't been to the con and we didn't study Mozart or anything like that.
We were just like listening to Led Zeppelin and I think everyone has an ownership over a certain movement in music and for us, it was grunge in the 90s. That felt like ours. So between the two, for us, it was rock and roll.
And there's another question we ask people that come in here, and it's really funny because an example I'll give you right now actually involves you. We like to ask our guests, what point did you know that you'd made the big time? And the example we give is we had Mikey Robinson here, famous Newcastle comedian of Good News Week fame, and we asked him that, when did you realize that you'd made the big time? Did you go back home and someone would say to you at the pub, oh, geez, you've done well for yourself or something like that?
And he said, the moment I thought I'd made the big time, I was immediately humbled because he was asked to speak at Newcastle High. He said, oh, well, I've made the big time, then my school wants me to come back. And then he said, he got on stage and was talking about when your kids leave and you know, bloody Sydney. And then he looked down and he said, a good chunk of silver chair was sitting in front of him. And you guys had obviously already overshadowed him and were still students at school. That's hilarious. He was immediately humbled.
What do you say? I can't say anything to you guys. I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing here? Ask him.
Get these boys on stage to tell everyone about making it. When you guys go to King's Cross, it'll blow your minds.
But when did it feel like it was happening for you guys? For me, it felt like there was definitely a shift. We won a competition called Nomad through SBS, and the prize of that was to shoot a music video and record the song, which was tomorrow at triple J, the studios, well, the ABC studios, the triple J studios. And then triple J grabbed that and started playing it. But once that single was released, like you could feel this groundswell, you could feel something was happening, but it wasn't until the single was released.
And I think it'd been like three or four weeks at number one. And that's when you just kind of go like, like the first week in number one is pretty wild. But when it was like three or four weeks, and I think it maxed out at like seven weeks at number one.
And that's when we're there going like, this is just crazy. What the hell is going on? But that's when it felt like, you know, there was this huge tidal wave on the horizon that was actually, no, the tidal wave had already hit us.
It sounds like when you're that young and you're, you know, number one for seven weeks, it kind of happens so fast. It's not like your traditional band where, oh, there's a bit of a buzz around these guys in really cool circles for about a year or two. You know what I mean? That doesn't happen with 14 year olds, you're not even old enough to get into the pub yet. It was like, I guess probably the pubs around Carrington when the screaming jets were coming through.
Yeah, yeah. All the Warfies and Dockies are like, oh, have you seen this human pressure washer, Dave Gleason? You know, he's an absolute pocket rocker. You guys missed all that. Love Dave Gleason. Yeah, yeah. We had Gleason in here as well. He actually called you guys Nirvana's in pajamas, which I'm sure you've heard before. Oh my gosh.
I wish I had a comeback for that. Yeah, it was showing off. But tell us, you know, you weren't long out of your pajamas. You missed all that. Like it was... I think I was probably still wearing pajamas at 14, maybe, you know.
But you didn't have that like orthodox kind of moment, that rise where it's kind of You know, when you hear a band that ends up going number one in Australia, there's people that have known about them for a couple of years. And it starts off with the coolest of the cool and it becomes their mates and then more and more and more. Or they're just from Perth. And then, yeah. Or they're just like, you know, your mate's cousin from Perth.
But you guys were just dropped straight into the fucking fire, I guess.
Can I just say, we did play the Jolly Roger. Do you remember the Jolly Roger? I mean, you mentioned Carrington, there's going to be people listening to this that have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah. The Jolly Roger. So was that, you did play a pub gig? Yeah.
We played a few pub gigs. Um, I guess it was really hard because we were so young. So we generally had to go to the pubs and wait in the band rooms and be chaperoned by a parent.
And um, one of the funniest things about that was I remember some of the graffiti in the band rooms and they were all really some really obscene stuff that at the time you're going to be looking at it going like, oh, I don't really understand why the legs there? Like, I don't understand the angle. Why did they put their phone number there? But years later, like, you know, the penny drops and you go, okay, I get it.
Really funny. Well done guys.
You really were young. Um, cause I, you do remember that moment when you're 14 years old and you go to your first truck stop. I remember it when you say, Jesus Christ, these people are animals.
What are they riding on the buck or a wolf? What does it all mean?
Yeah. Number one is at this point, do your parents all have a meeting? Like what goes from there? It's obviously not like you guys are going to pack your bag and say, see you later mom and dad and head on the road. I know. I do know that you guys did have a lot of, um, you know, your parents were involved and were, and actually were quite careful, not so protective, but you know, chaperoning you for one. Yeah. They were pretty heavily involved and I think they needed to be cause ultimately at 14 years old or even 15 or 16 like you're just a kid, you're still figuring out your, you know, your nether region. Yeah.
Our parents definitely all got together. Like everyone had to work together. Like there was no single person kind of ruling the roost, you know, you get your first record contract and that was a big thing for us. We'd always talk about getting a record contract.
We were obsessed with it for some reason, but when it actually happened, there's just terminology in there. There's no way that we'd understand it.
So they had, they had to be involved. Well, it isn't like you can turn around and say to your parents, could I get four lime green Porsches with this? And they're like, no, not yet anyway. That would have been a great idea. I mean that age. Is that four each? Yeah.
It's like, Oh, so what are you going to do with them? It's like, I'm going to look at it.
These guys would have been out of my bedroom window. Every other kid has a poster, but I've got one in the driveway that my dad takes me around the block in if I've been good, you know.
No, these guys would have been looking more at the lime green poison IVSS utes I reckon. Yeah, from Newy. Yeah, it's definitely a Holden ute. And then I kind of want to talk about, on the back of all that, we interviewed the boys from a pop band, Five Seconds of Summer.
Oh yeah. Yep. Yeah. And exactly what you're saying about the contracts, you know, your parents are looking over this, thank goodness, because these guys are telling us that they were nearing on their fourth album, right? Yeah.
And they just done five back to back shows at Wembley. With you know, opening for maybe One Direction or something like that. And we're going, so what's the plan for you guys? We can't overstate how popular these guys, like there's a little bit of Beatlemania around these guys.
Certainly some countries they go to, there's girls screaming at airports.
And one of these guys goes, oh, I'd love to buy my mother a house.
Yeah. Huh? What contract did you sign, son? Like a five minute contract. It's like, ah, okay. Those were guys kind of got plucked off stage at the Annandale Hotel and all of a sudden they're excited by the flights and the, you know, the hotels they're staying at. Because they don't really realize they're paying for all of this. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. And um, yeah. And I was like, okay. We can have anything in our rider. And we sign a four album contract. Yeah, you're paying for it. You know? Yeah.
Cause like our parents were all quite conservative. Like my dad was a plumber for 55 years, you know. And Dan's dad was a fruit oak, Chris's parents were dry cleaners, like pretty modest kind of.
Small business. Yeah. And I don't, they didn't really know what they were looking at either. Yeah. You know, I mean you can get advice from lawyers and stuff, but like they can read it, but they really don't know what they're dealing with. Yeah.
Did you sign a multiple album contract or anything like that? I think the first deal was for three records.
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
And then we got to, I mean, Australia got to see you guys like develop and mature. Not so much mature because you obviously had what it took at that age, but they got to see you develop and the music, you know, kind of change and everyone got to be part of that journey. When was it when it was finally the kids are in charge of the asylum? I actually felt like what our parents did was as we approached 18 rather than letting the rains out a little bit, they were just like, you know, they had them on tight. So when we were approaching 18, we were like, oh, it's coming, like we are off. And as soon as, I remember there was, I think it was a, maybe a freak show tour and like what a manager called a lot schools out or something like, or it was something like that. And I remember just going up the North coast of New South Wales and Queensland and just going crazy, like, you know, cause our parents weren't there.
But if our parents let out the rains a little bit, you know, we would have been more likely to go back and say, Hey mom, dad, you know, we're going out for a few months. You want to just come and hang out for a week? But because they were so strict on us, it was just like, nah, see ya. And to be fair, they were probably tightening the rains at the most important time to be doing that. Cause they were looking at that same death like, well, maybe these guys do enjoy a schooner and it's going to be legal for them to do that every single night of their lives on tour soon. And I mean, maybe they're going to have a gap year at the end of school.
How old were you when you first took it overseas, were you opening at that point or did you guys go? I think it was, it was international pretty instantly. It's like, yeah, we're not having a traditional kind of, uh, you know, everything we're talking about so far has happened within 18 months. You know what I mean? It's like seven weeks at number one off triple J straight to overseas. Yeah.
It was, it was a wild ride. I mean, I remember we'd like, we'd never done any touring and we basically went from yeah, zero touring to like touring, like not mucking around like you're doing like four or five shows a week. So we were chucked in the deep end and it was, I mean, we were lucky that we were just, we're a good band. So you know, if we weren't good enough to pull it off, like we just wouldn't have survived. So you know, we were chucked in the deep end and we kind of, we managed to swim. So we did all right, we got away with it. Well certainly, and certainly it kept going well past the timeline of your average band or someone was saying to me, the Beatles, you know, modern day Beatles had broken up today.
They would have only started in, uh, two years. Yeah, they would have only started in 2015 or something like that.
You know what I mean? So you guys got through all of that and we got to see, hear different sounds every album and now you've all gone out to do, you know, your solo stuff. Can you see the DNA still in the music you're making from those boys in the garage in Newcastle? Yeah, I think so. I think whatever it is inside of you and whatever the influences that you're listening to that inspires you to play music, I think they always sit in there somewhere. Whenever you come up with a melody or a chord progression, I think you subconsciously, you know, draw on those influences. So yeah, look, I think, I definitely think the DNA is still present.
Well they say it's an never meet your musical idols. Have you ever met any of yours? Yeah, I have actually, I met, um, who have I met? I had the chance to meet Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin.
Big fan of those guys. Well, they're my favorite all time band. And James Brown, which was, uh, which was, yeah, which was really cool. How are they? I guess they're two people who've really tasted what it is to be like, to be rock and roll, to be some sort of demigod on that kind of level.
To be redlining for 40 years.
Well, you know, like I can't imagine that Jimmy Page would be the type of person you want to take fishing. So for example, maybe he likes, doesn't mind, you know, maybe Marlon fishing. That's his bare minimum.
Deadliest catch fishing.
So no, we had the chance to meet them at a festival somewhere in Europe. And I remember we were standing like 20 meters away from them and I was this fanboying like my bottom lip was going and I was really nervous and we didn't go up to them and say hello. He was with, it was Jimmy Page and Robert Plant and I regretted it. And then years later we had the opportunity, we were in Brazil and, um, Kevin Shirley who produced Frog Stomp, the Silver Chose Frog Stomp was there and he said, do you want to meet Jimmy? I'm like, yes, definitely want to meet Jimmy.
And he was just laying around the pool. Jimmy likes young girls.
Anyway, so we had two very young Brazilian girls just kind of hanging off him and we just went and said hello and he was really lovely. We chatted to him for 10 or 15 minutes and that was it and he probably forgot all about it. We were like, yes.
But, um, James Brown was probably my favorite. So I called, um, Watto, John Watson and I said, look, if you can ever use silver chair to get me to meet someone, this is the guy I want to meet because I'm obsessed with James Brown. I love him.
Anyway, he said, yeah, leave it with me. I'll see what I can do.
And he hooked it all up, was at the state theater in Sydney and went down to the band room and I was just standing there and he walked in with his manager and his manager came up and said, right, you're coming to meet this guy. And I was standing there, I was so freaking nervous. The lit was going again. And then anyway, James Brown walks up and said, hello. And we chatted for a little bit and I said, oh, look, I'm a big Led Zeppelin fan. But once I really got into your music, like the whole way I played, changed. And he goes, that's cause you got the funk. And I was like, oh man.
Thank you. Well, if you say so. That's all I ever wanted to hear from you. And then, uh, what else? What did I say after that?
Oh, that's right. And then I showed him, I've got a James Brown. Yeah. I'll show you. Yeah. So I then showed him this. Yeah.
For the listeners at home, this isn't a small tattoo either. No.
This is at least koi fish size. It's big. Yeah. It's big.
So I showed him, I showed him the tattoo of himself, which must've been weird.
Then he goes, oh, that makes me feel so good. I swear to God, that's it. I thought you were just about to say, he said, ah, that's it. God damn. Yeah. So that was, uh, and then, then he ended with, I'm going to work real hard for you tonight. And that was it. Oh, that's glorious. And I was like, yeah, you do.
You have a fear that if you meet someone like that, you're going to go, oh, he's a dick.
But it was totally like out of a, out of a movie, so I was completely happy. That's the point of time in Hollywood. It's the great Tarantino version of James Brown.
The fact that, uh, you know, meeting old mate Jimmy Page in Brazil as well, you know, I want to talk about Brazil because for years, you know, when you guys were on the road and you were, you know, obviously biggest band in Australia, every time you had an album came out and then you'd tour between them. The thing that they would always say is, oh, you know, they're also huge in South America.
Yeah. Was that just an urban myth or did you guys do some big shows? That was legit. Yeah. So there's a, there's a bit of a story behind that, which, which I didn't know of by the way. Again, our manager, John Watson told me this story. So I think it was the parallel importing that, you know, Australia took advantage of in the nineties. Yeah.
I think it was the nineties or early two thousands. It's a crazy time. It was a crazy time. It's like wild west.
So I think it was sanity or a chain in Australia bought a ton of particular album. It was neon ballroom from Brazil, I think it was like 40,000 albums or something crazy like that. Anyway. So the Brazilian record company didn't know that it was an Australian buyer. So they were kind of like, oh wow, like this silver chair records gone crazy in Brazil. So we're going to dump a ton of marketing behind it because it's going really well. And as a result, it did blow up in Brazil and the band went crazy and then we ended up playing.
So you just need to be put in front of them. Is that what you're saying? Pretty much. Yeah.
And then the band went off and we played rock and Rio with like the chili peppers and had an amazing gig there. And ever since like, yeah, we've just had this really incredible presence in Brazil. Was there any other secret kind of dark horse markets that you didn't expect? Germany was a bit, it went really well in Germany.
Yeah. We did really well there. It was the time before, you know, you had these computer analytics where you can see where people are streaming your music. Yeah. You don't have the data. Tickets were selling back then. Yeah. They just put it out and hope that people buy it. Yeah.
Well, it's like we had this bloke who used to play the pubs around here. He learned that he was really big in Ireland through all that data. So he moved over there and he's enjoying a career as like a mid-level, like he's able to live and work as a musician.
Awesome. That's amazing.
Just in Ireland. It's like every time I've tried to go to Scotland or England, that's just like, turn off this fucking Celtic rubbish. It's his Irish expats, Irish expats come to his Scotland gigs.
Yeah. Well, it's kind of like, uh, remember the story? Is it Sugar Man? Remember that documentary? Yeah. You know, like you just don't know where there's going to be pockets of fans, like, you know? Yeah. Germany's an interesting one, but I suppose Germany was, um, enjoying rock music, I guess for the first time, you know, it was the first decade of the wall being down and they got to stay out all night. You know what?
I've got a good story of Germany speaking of where I was thinking of that whole Beatle Mania thing. So we were on tour through Europe and we always said that we were bumping into the Backstreet Boys everywhere. Like we'd be like, we'd see the Backstreet Boys and we're like, because what happens in airports?
Damn it, the Backstreet Boys again. Oh, they're back. Backstreet Boys are back. Backstreet's back.
They've got no luggage. They've got no instruments.
So, you know what, one thing that really irked me, and this is a newy thing, right? Like don't like pump up your own tires.
They'd wear their own like bomber jackets, their own merch, totally. And you'd see a guy like, dude, what are you doing?
Yeah. Like that's your head is just way too, it's way oversize. Yeah.
Anyway, so we only do that if you play for the night. Yeah, no way, you get crucified.
We just saw them everywhere. But anyway, we pull up to this hotel in Hamburg. Anyway, there's girls everywhere and we were like, oh wow, there's some like people here to see us. Like they're all excited.
They said the two of us came up and we were like, okay, here we go. And the door opens and they see like Dan, Chris and I, and they're like, oh, who are these guys? They're expecting the blonde bump out here, Nick Carter. But then we realized that we found out later they were staying at the same hotel and we were like, it's fucking Backstreet Boys again. But all these girls that were running around, they had this some like German like girly magazine and then within about half an hour, a couple of the girls, you could see them, there was a rock section about midway through. A couple of them looking through going, hang on, there was an article in there about us and they were like, hey, this looks like, this looks like those guys. So they started kind of going, oh well, great, we'll get you to sign this and get photos of me going, you have no idea who we are. Yeah. We're just kind of riding the wave of Backstreet Boys.
This era of kind of Channel V, Triple J, Big Day Out, that was a big kind of moment in Australian music and kind of pop culture history. You guys were kind of steering that ship to a degree. You probably, you know, not to Newcastle gash and Newcastle ties up too much, but you guys were fine. Referencing the Pasha Bolka there for a second. What was that like in those days when it was really, you know, Australian rock and it became quite a big export around the world.
Yeah. You know? I don't know. It just felt like you were part of like a big Australian music family. Yeah.
Like everyone was really supportive of each other and yeah, it was just like a movement. Like we just felt like we're all part of it.
I guess, you know, the high watermark of that era, you know, as they say, where the rave rolled up the beach, got to the highest point and came back. That highest point would be like your wave aids, something like that. You know, that's where Australian music peaked.
The mega charity festivals.
Yeah. I do have to say wave aid was pretty special. Was that the one where they did, they had that mega band covering Evie? Yes. Yeah. And then it was all, you know, you had Jet, you had Cram up there and then all of them left and then Big Bernie just came up and built it up the second part and then just left. Yeah. It's like, thanks guys. That's rock and roll. Yeah.
That was an interesting time because it was when we were all, we had your pop culture TV, you had your channel V, I guess, and everyone underestimates how big that was in like the king making and then you had the J's. So basically it was two channels.
They didn't have your Spotify. I don't even know if we had the fucking Limewires or music pirating yet.
It was the age of chug. They were just being tours.
Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, if you, even if you take a step back from that, I think, think about like the TV hits, you know, I think there are segments in, you know, musical the way we consume it, you know, I guess just at the moment it's like, I mean, I really like Spotify and Apple music because you can just, you want to hear a song, it's just instant, you know, which is great. There's a bit of romance that I miss. Yeah. And there's, there's not a real tide rising together. It's all a bunch of microcultures as well. He can listen to whatever your genre is at any time. You know, maybe those kinds of artists that would once be front lining Australian music are kind of looking for their audiences and it's getting a bit niche for them. Yeah. I think, I think across the board, it's like that, unless you're a mega artist, it's like that data, like, you know, people just focusing in on those people that want to hear your music, which is good. I mean, you know, you're getting served up stuff that supposedly, you know, they know you're going to like it, but you know, the music discovery is also a lot harder. Yeah. It's funny though.
I think those algorithms, Netflix kind of pioneered this, those algorithms are actually being found to, you know, there's a bit of fatigue like Netflix started. Remember House of Cards was a great one, a great example of it. They looked at the data and they said, our audiences want to see more spacey. They want more political thrillers and they want more, they really lent into that, that like this is obviously a popular genre, so we're going to really serve it up to them. And they gave it to them based on what they wanted.
Yep. And that was great for that, for that TV series, but I actually think there has been a bit of fatigue and I think people actually do like having something presented to them. Yeah. They always will. That's refreshing that they've never had anything to do with and they can learn to love as opposed to just like, oh, this feels familiar. Yeah. 100%. I think that's happening across the board with a lot of stuff, including music. It's like, you know, if you're like hot dogs and you eat hot dogs all day, every day, like eventually you're going to go, wouldn't mind some sushi. Yeah. I think the point that you're making about how it's making musical discovery a bit harder, I mean like on Spotify the other day, you know, you listen to Seven Nation Army once and for the next two weeks, that app is force feeding you the strokes and just that for two weeks until you get to the point where it's like, Might put on some Gwen Stefani actually. Yeah. It's like, I'm going to listen to some brass band stuff to really fuck this algorithm up. Yeah.
What the hell do I give them now? You just go like... Sky music. Then you get down that rabbit hole for two weeks. Circus music? Yeah. Really, really mess with that.
Well, what is influencing you? Early days in the chair, you guys were obviously zeppelins and grunge was what you were feeling and kind of working with. What would you say is influencing you now on your solo stuff? Or do you feel like you're a different musician now where you're kind of working with what you have as opposed to what's kind of you're exposed to?
Yeah, I feel like it's more like that. Yeah. You kind of, you get enough experience that you can just go into the studio and just create what you want to create. I do think when you're a younger musician that you definitely draw on those influences. But I don't know, back to that thing we were chatting about earlier about if I'm sitting at a piano and I hear a sequence of chords that I really like and I start singing a melody over the top of it and I like it. I'm not thinking about an artist or a particular song or anything. It just pops into your mind and you like it and that's it.
Yeah. On the stereo has been described as a synth-driven earworm. Yeah, certainly is. And you've been working with Constantine Kirsten. That's right.
How was that and what kind of created this?
Well, I just really liked what Con did with the Jungle Giants in particular and he worked with Tones and I as well and she's obviously, you know, she's been, had some really good tracks. So yeah, just my publisher, Simon Morse, he put a couple of producers in front of me and Con was one of them. He suggested I go and work with him. Reached out to their guys and yeah, he was into the track. So I showed him a couple of tracks, but that was the one on the stereo is the one that we both thought, you know, would best use some of his skills.
Well, it's already out May 6th it came out and there's more to come from you. We're working towards an EP, aren't we? We do. There's a couple of more singles in the pipeline.
I'm really, there's another, I won't tell you what it's called yet, but the next single, I'm really excited about it. It's really different to everything that I've ever done and I don't even know why I'm talking about it.
I should be talking about On the Stereo, which I'm also very excited about. You know? Yeah, I'm going to stop right there. On the Stereo, listen to it. It's good to see there's a lot of pots on the stove, mate. It's good to see. Ben Gillies, you still got it? It's out there. As we just said, in this day and age, you can find it in a minute. On the Stereo, tune in and thanks for joining us, Ben.
We got through this whole thing without mentioning Housewives? Yeah, no, that's my wife's thing. Let's just keep talking about music. We can save that for part two.
Thanks for joining us. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys. |
TheOnion | New_United_Ultra_Economy_Class_Tickets_Lets_Passengers_Get_Dragged_Behind_Plane_By_Giant_Rope | The air travel industry has been grounded by the coronavirus pandemic this year. And now many airlines are looking to win back some customers with increased safety measures and cheap deals on flights. Hear how United is looking to increase their revenue with new ultra economy class tickets that let passengers get dragged behind the plane by a giant rope. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price and this daily news podcast has just been cleared for takeoff. So stay with us. According to the air travel industry, no one's been more affected by the coronavirus pandemic than the air travel industry. And as the holiday travel season draws near, more airlines are looking to turn around what has been a rough 2020 and lure back customers with some very cost friendly deals.
United Airlines today has introduced their new low fare ticket option called Ultra Economy Class which lets passengers get pulled behind a plane with a giant rope to their destination. For about $100 less than your average economy ticket, you can forego a seat to instead be escorted to the runway and given one end of a 75 foot long rope tied to the plane's turbine engine to hang onto for the duration of your flight. United spokesperson Travis Porter had this to say today. Whether you choose to hold onto the rope for dear life or use United's complimentary knot tying guide to securely strap it around your body, we guarantee your ultra economy experience will be just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any of our other flying options. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the views on the Ultra Economy Class.
We're joined now by OPR travel reporter Alan Potts. Alan, welcome. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
Now, Alan, what I like about this ultra economy option is the open air aspect, but how does it stack up against the competitors discounted economy options? The price, for one. If you're looking for cheap flights, you're going to want to fly by those United ropes. For example, a cross country flight on an ultra economy class ticket will cost you only $215 compared to the $315 you'd spend flying the same route on Delta's lowest economy option, Delta Relax, which lets you sit underneath a toilet for the duration of the flight. And are there any hidden costs? I know with Delta's Relax, you have to pay an extra $15 to rent a flashlight so you can actually see in the various pitch black waste tanks you're dropped in. That's where I thought that the ultra option failed a little. The baseline cost is great, but if you want to parachute to safely land at your destination, it's an extra $35. Or you can opt for a knife at $15 to cut yourself loose during the descent. And if you want to carry on a bag, it's an extra $25 to have a runway worker tape your suitcase to the side of the plane with a two inch square of duct tape. So that's an extra $50 or $60 right off the bat.
Exactly. Critics say that those extra costs really defeat the purpose of buying a discounted economy ticket in the first place. That's why I hear that a lot of people like flying through American Airlines' discounted economy class because they don't have those extra costs. In fact, if you prostrate in front of an American Airlines flight attendant and cry, I'm not worthy, they knock $35 off your ticket. And will also give you a free bag of pretzels if you allow them to whip your bare knees throughout the duration of the flight. That's right. And a lot of competitors are touting today what they think sets their discounted ticket classes apart in light of United's rollout of the ultra economy class. For example, Spirit Airlines charges $30 for checked luggage. But just hours ago, they reminded customers via Twitter that they can always choose to have runway workers throw their suitcase at the aircraft's nose during takeoff in hopes that it will bounce off the tip of the plane to its final destination at a discounted price of $15. Ah, not bad. And Frontier Airlines just launched a nationwide campaign to re-advertise their basic select economy class, which involves groups of customers being released from cages on the runway and sprinting towards the plane to try and board it during takeoff. Nice, I'll have to check that one out. Now you were able to test out the ultra economy class early.
What did you think?
I did enjoy the extra leg space and fresh air that surrounded me, but things did get tricky during the latter part of the ascent when I had to deal with passing hail and atmospheric debris. Here's some audio of my experience I was able to record on my phone. Oh, sounds no less enjoyable than any other flight. And at about 35,000 feet, I did pass out, which was a plus since I usually have a hard time sleeping on planes.
Any extra cost incurred? I did have to spend an extra $15 for a back brace so my spine wouldn't snap as I whipped through the air at 565 miles per hour, and that brace proved crucial. The man beside me flew without a brace and severed his spine almost immediately. Yeah, it would be nice if that was complimentary, but overall, would you say it was worth it? I did get to my destination on time, which a lot of budget airlines rarely guarantee, but the extra costs did add up, and I'm currently undergoing pretty intense skin grafts to replace the skin lost on my face and extremities due to sun exposure.
Yeah, you look pretty rough in the picture you sent me from the hospital. Just happy I have a nose again. Thanks Alan, and get well soon. That's OPR's Alan Potts.
We'll be back in a moment. What happens when the bravest among us, our men and women in uniform, are thrown into a nightmare situation? We expect them to rise to the occasion, but we never think about the toll it takes on those who make it out alive.
OPR's Jenna Resnick has the story of one such man now caught in the crossfire of trying to piece his life back together. It was terrible. Sorry, I still have a hard time talking about it.
That's Mitchell Dunlap, private first-class U.S. Army. Mitchell has seen active service in both Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared him for what he experienced in the public bathroom of his local hardware store, something that still haunts him to this day.
I was sitting there screaming in pain. It was hot and my entire body was sweating. The smell. That smell doesn't go away. It was horrifying. I thought it would die in there.
We don't have to go on if it's too difficult for you. No, it's fine.
I've been working on opening up about it, not letting it have so much power over me. Everyone always talks about the physical pain, but it's the emotional pain that sticks with you. The feeling that you have absolutely no control over what's happening.
You know, I lost a part of myself in that toilet. I'm sorry. I just need a moment.
With Mitchell's permission, what you're about to hear is audio recorded on his phone during the bathroom incident, a warning that what you're about to hear may be disturbing for some listeners as it does contain violence. Oh, Lord. Please help me get out of this and see my family one more time. But if I don't, I want my children to know that I. Oh, no, what's that? Oh, mother of God, it's coming. Fuck, my ears are ringing. I can't hear anything. Oh, my God. If my family is hearing this, I love you.
And it wasn't just hard for Mitchell. His whole family felt the brunt of his grunts and his wife, Donna, was left just as scarred. There were times when I didn't think he was coming back, but I'm just happy that my prayers were answered and he was able to make it out of that dump alive.
Have you noticed any changes in Mitchell since he returned? I'm sorry. He just hasn't been the same since he came back.
Even the sound of a toilet flushing or stomach growling is enough to set him off. It's a daily struggle, usually at least twice in the morning and once in the afternoon. But after realizing just how much a toll his experience in that stall was taking on his family, Mitchell decided it was time to take back control. The sounds of those bombs dropping still echo in my head. Even though it can make me feel helpless, I'm doing what I can.
I've seen a gastroenterologist get my stomach right, been eating a lot of fiber. It's been good for me, but what was that?
Nothing, Mitch. You just have some gas.
Nothing to worry about, just stay calm. Oh, just stay calm. You want me to stay calm? I'm about to cover this whole place in shit. You want me to stay calm?
There is no hope for me.
All right, you get out of here. You go. Go save yourself. Oh my God. Don't worry, it will pass. Just take a deep breath.
Okay. Yeah. No, it's, I'm right. I'm sorry. I'm okay.
Mitch still has a long way to go in his recovery, but with the support of his family and a team of medical professionals, he hopes that one day his life and his bowels will return to normal.
For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Absolutely disgusting, Jenna.
Thank you. As a civilian who hasn't defecated since before Operation Desert Storm, I can only imagine the hardships that brave man has endured. Back in a moment. Well, folks, as I mentioned at the top of the episode, I got myself into a sour little pickle and apparently double booked myself. So we're just going to switch gears here for a moment. This is Dr. Lislerford Price's medical log, as ordered by the American Medical Association and the great states of New York, Illinois, California, Michigan, and the lower 46. Okay. Send in my 930 please, Margaret. Hello, Dr. Price.
Ouch. What the hell? No need to panic, friend. That was just this year's flu shot. Uh, you are Benjamin, sorry, Benny Nesbitt. Um, yes.
Leslie, I work with you every day. I sit on the other side of the studio window. Well, I know Benny the segment producer, but I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting Benny the patient.
Well, let's just jump right in here. I don't have a scale, so I'm just going to pick you up real quick. I'll say between 150 and 300. And what are you, like 610?
Sorry, when did you become a doctor? Are you even a doctor? Depends on who's asking. Hop up on this examination table, please. You see, for the valued OPR employee, yes, I am indeed a doctor. The doctor, actually.
I even have a jar of lollipops. No blue ones, though. Those are mine.
Oh, that reminds me. I'm supposed to ask, do you have the basic OPR primary care plan or the one with the broken, weird, and misplaced bones add-on? Uh, the first one. That's the only one available, I think. Oh, right.
They cut dental because we all kept licking Dirk's fingers while they were in our mouths, and he didn't like it. Now open your mouth, but don't get any ideas. I mean, unless you want to. Just to be clear... Tongue out.
Uh... Um...
Just to be clear, you are a doctor doctor, right? Listen, you need an OPR in-network provider, right? Well, I work here in this building at the OPR radio network. In-network. See how that works? Simple. Plus, you don't really have a choice, because I'm the only doctor in your network.
But that's okay, because you're totally covered with me. Okay, tongue looks good. Gonna test your hearing now, so please put these headphones on and slap your knee anytime you hear a tone. By the way, I have a dual degree in Broadcasting and Medicine from the premier online school for trick bartending in Yale, Iowa. Yale? Wow. Well, I mean, as long as you have a medical degree... Any day now. Okay, take those off. Great job with that test, by the way. You're being such a good boy.
So tell me, what brings you in today? I got an email from HR saying that this was the only day we're allowed to use our health insurance, so I figured I'd get a checkup all I could. Okay, and I see here you have a history of heart disease, mental derangement, and a debilitating phobia of chapstick tubes being rolled really, really high out of their bases until they stick to the roof of the cap and pop themselves out?
No. Oh, no?
Shoot, that's another patient's deal. Okay, well, between me, you, and HIPAA, let's pretend you didn't hear that. Now, since you're a new patient, I'm going to ask you a few more routine questions.
Just slide over a smidge so we can make sure the levels are right. Wait, have you been rolling on this? Sure. Well, can you please turn the mic off? I want to talk about something... Legally, no. Everything has to be on the record. You know as well as anyone how this works, Benny. Come on.
So are you still at 4629 Essex Court? You can't just nod, Benny. It's radio. Are you still at 4629 Essex Court?
Yes. And you live alone? Um, yes. You should get a roommate. Oh, I don't know. Let's see. What else?
Boring, boring, boring.
Oh, here's a good one. Are you sexually active? Yes. Well, la-di-da. Okay, playboy.
Leslie, stop. Ah, relax you hefner. I'm just kidding. Now, lean forward. I'm just gonna gently rub your back while you breathe in.
Okay, there you go. Breathe in nice and deep. And out. Good. And again. Okay, that should do it. Wow. Feel better, big guy? Well, actually, yeah.
That last part was pretty soothing. And I find it soothing that you're the first patient who's lived through one of these appointments. What? It's like I've always said, having your medical care tied to your employment is a good thing, especially for me. Rewarding work, I'll tell ya.
Wait a minute. Am I- Is- is this blood? Am I bleeding? What- when did you- Oh my god. Where- where is it even coming from? Is this gonna stop? Not if I did it right.
Alright, come on up. Up, up, up.
Off the bench. Watch your oozing. Alright, gotta wipe up some of this before my 10 o'clock. We'll be back in a moment. Benny, you're lollipop!
Alright, Angie from Payroll, who by the way has been waiting very patiently for her turn, is next. And we're gonna help you deliver that baby, Angie, just as soon as we're through delivering the rest of this news. Here's what else you need to know today.
With his chances of re-election all but lost, a panicked President Trump is hoping to turn things around today by finally agreeing to a Zoom debate. Members of the Trump campaign quickly sent over a meeting invitation to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks, all of which remain unanswered. And after failing to earn the amount of support they had hoped to from Latino voters, members of the Democratic Party are trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and how they can do more to court the ever-important voting base. In an effort to do so, top Democratic strategists have announced today they plan to hold a screening of Three Amigos so they can all better understand Latino culture.
Oh man, I love that movie. Count me in.
And finally, residents in Chicago may soon be noticing some changes coming to their beloved CTA, as Mayor Lori Lightfoot unveiled plans today to replace Chicago's decades-old public transit system with a brand new fleet of police. Well, that will certainly change some people's commute, but if it helps balance the city's budget, then it's a welcome change indeed.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. Yeah, just wheeler right there. That's fine.
If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to check and see if I'm in your network. Otherwise, you're going to get a pretty big bill for listening. You can also like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast.
All right, Angie, are you ready? Because I'm going to need you to start breathing. And push! And don't forget to tune in to tomorrow's episode of The Topical, where we'll find out what Angie's going to name her adorable new baby, and who the father is. Your guess is as good as mine. Probably hers. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you tomorrow. I think I see the head! |
dropout | what_s_beeping_in_the_giant_robot | 🎵 Ha ha! You think you can defeat me that easily, Ultra Mechatron! Ah! Well, this isn't the end of King Krab, Ultra Mechatron! I've got one more trick up my shell! Prepare to duck- Woooooo! So looks like the tide is finally turned on King Krab's Wave of Terror! 🎵 What was that?
What was what? Something went beep! I didn't hear anything. You just talked over it. It's probably nothing. What? It's never nothing when a machine beeps that means something.
I don't know. You don't have to know.
I'm telling you, machines don't beep for no reason. I still don't hear anything. Yeah, you keep talking over it. Oh, I'll check the manual. Machines make noise. That's all I'm saying.
Is it more like a high-pitched, repeating meep, or like a shrill, continual weep? I don't understand the difference between those. Well, I guess it's like, is it a meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, versus a weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weeeeep. Those sound very similar. I was thinking it was more like a meep, versus a, weeeep, weeeeep, weeeeep, weeeeep. I think it would be meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meeeep.
Shut up, guys. Shut the fuck up, okay?
Does anyone have a warning light on their dash on? I mean, no more than usual, so... What is the usual? You shouldn't have a warning light on.
What does it do? What? Like, I'm supposed to know what all these lights do. Yes, you should! I don't know.
There's one here that's just like... It looks like a hot pancake.
What does that mean? Right? You know, it's like, what am I supposed to get out of that? I guess I'll check the oil.
I mean, what do you mean it looks like a hot pancake? Wait, do you not know what a pancake looks like? Guys, I don't think Sarah's ever had a pancake before. I have had a pancake before. You've never had a pancake? Sarah, you've never had a pancake before.
You would love that. Shut the fuck up.
I am asking you, what do you mean it looks like a hot pancake? Do you mean it's like a circle? Yeah, but it's flat. All circles are flat. This one's like hot too. What do you mean? Like steam? Are there curving lines coming out of it?
No, okay, no. See, that's what the confusion is. No, it's hot like it's sexy. That's not where the, that is not where the confusion is.
Found it. Wow. That is a hot pancake. See?
According to the manual, this light means that we are in auto mode.
What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. It has to mean something. I don't know.
Fuck! What the fuck is that? Guys, I feel like I'm the only one in the Ultra Megatron team that gives a shit about the condition of this robot.
Is your seatbelt on? Yes. And it's still beeping? Well, I had my seatbelt on, so you know. Well, if it's not the seatbelt, then it might mean there's an incoming projectile.
Wait, what? |
dropout | hardly_working_braun_tatherton | Hi, Braun Tatherton here at the All Nighter, a night of too many laughs and for some, too many tears. I am absolutely thrilled, chilled and scrilled to be here with one of the rising stars of this here laugh factory.
Move over ladies, it's Patrick Castles.
I love everything you've ever done and I'm dying to know, how's the night going so far? Would you mind telling us?
Well, Braun, we're all having honestly a really good time. Everyone's in great spirits. You know, A Night Like Tonight just brings out the camaraderie in everyone. The cast, the writers, the crew, the editors, we're all in it together.
When that sun comes up, two things are for sure.
We're going to have some hilarious videos and we're all going to need a nap.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Would you mind saying that again?
Sure, Braun, we're all having honestly a really good time. Everyone's in great spirits. You know, A Night Like Tonight just brings out the camaraderie in everyone.
The cast, the writers, the crew, the editors.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening again. Could you say it again?
Sure, Braun.
We're all having honestly a really good time. Everyone's in great spirits.
You know, again, stop listening. Could you please say every other word?
Sure, Braun.
All honestly, really time in spirits.
No Night Tonight brings the in, the, the, the, the. We're in together. That comes things for we're to some videos and we're going to A. I did not listen to any of that.
Could you please say it again as an old-timey prospector?
Sure, Braun.
Well, we're all having honestly a really good time. Everyone's in great spirits.
I wasn't listening.
Could you say it again but replace every verb and adverb with my first name, my Christian name, my legal name?
Sure, Braun. We're all Braun-ing, Braun-ly, a Braun-y good time. Everyone's in great spirits.
Okay, I wasn't listening again.
Could you say it again but just the periods? Sure, Braun. I'm going to have to cut you off there because I missed everything you said due to lack of listening. Could that guy say it? Sure, Braun.
We're all having honestly a really good time. Everyone's in great spirits.
I wasn't listening.
Alternate every other word with the other person's voice coming out of your mouth.
Sure, Braun.
We're all having honestly a really good time. Outstanding.
Wasn't listening.
Sure, Braun.
We're all having honestly a really good time.
Fascinating stuff from a knockout guy.
Well, that's it for me here at the All Nighter.
I'm Braun Tatherton with the eyewitness movie minute. |
cracked | why_athlete_celebrations_matter_lowest_common_dominator | Hi, thank you for clicking on this video. This is just a quick preface to let you know that this video features Colin Kaepernick pretty heavily But the main issue of Baron Colin Kaepernick is not featured in this video at all That's because we shot it several months ago before anything happened with kneeling for the national anthem We know this is a big issue. We support him in his right to do that It's not present in this video at all. In fact, we make fun of him.
So Look Dominator Hello Welcome to another episode of lowest common dominator the only show brave enough to dive into the murky depths of pop culture Much like Kevin Costner in water world and rise again to the surface with well dirt like dirt I'm gonna try and convince you as valuable. I'm your host and Mariner Soren Bowie and I'm keeping it casual in this crescent chair It's a it's a new show. We haven't really found our stride yet. This elbow thing. I'm doing is a regret. I'm having fire up the wheel This of course is the wheel of low culture.
It will give us our topic of the day And if we just give it a quick spin, we will see that Also a real event probably would have meant Bicep kissing athletes gross now, even if you only have a passing understanding of sports You should at least know the professional athletes are at any given moment 100% down with pausing the game to congratulate themselves on how awesome they're playing after any touchdown Goal contested basket and occasionally even a long putt athletes will do fist pump Maybe a little salsa even some sexual thrusting into the ether humping nothing in particular Mind you just the general concept of sports in heaven. I love you Von Miller Please don't ever change but arguably the most self-obsessed Narcissistic Patrick Bateman ish celebration an athlete can muster is cocking their arm out at a 90 degree angle And then sharing an intimate Nicholas Sparks moment with their own muscle What's worse the bicep kiss has transcended any individual sport Lebron James Johnny Manziel Olympian Gary Hall jr. Metaworld peace 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. They're they're all avid fans of their own arms Of course Kaepernick has since claimed that he's actually just kissing his tattoo on his bicep instead of the muscle But considering he's tried to patent the move is Kaepernicking and the fact that he flexes when he does it and then he chose his bicep for the ink in the first place suggested that whole argument is just Deep now for most of us this move is infuriating because it's so egregiously arrogant But for anyone who's taken a basic level kinesiology class. It's also confusing Here's why Science major muscles in the upper body can be broken down into two different groups There's the pushing muscles and pulling muscles And it's the former that are the stars of most contact sports throwing and shooting they require strong deltoids you need strong triceps power in the follow-through lats for Stabilization and a solid core because so much of every throw or stiff arm or push-off comes from the hips even running and shedding defenders Takes a tremendous amount of pectoral strength All of this is to say that the only muscle group in the upper body that doesn't have sheep to do with any of this Is the bicep? So why celebrate it in the first place granted? Convenience probably has a lot to do with it It would be strange if metaworld peace or Colin Kaepernick Hunch down and kiss their own thighs and the biceps were already a symbol of human strength and pop culture long before any of these athletes Were even born Rosie the Riveter arm and hammer any kid that you asked to flex It's always been more of a figurehead muscle anyway So then the question is how did one of the smallest muscle groups ever get that status in the first place? Fortunately, the answer is also the saving grace of those dirty capper knickers the world over the capper knickers just I just want to be clear that I I mean I don't Anyway, here's why the bicep kiss matters as we learned earlier biceps are exclusively pulling muscles Which means we use them to get closer to objects rather than pushing them away So maybe we celebrate it because human strength is not instinctually measured by pushing people down but by pulling them up Maybe strength isn't about hitting people but holding them close Maybe we all inherently believe the toughness has less to do with power Than with how we use that power to connect with someone else now with that in mind that athlete that you and I both agree that We hate isn't just kissing himself in celebration of his single-handed dominance and rockin bod Maybe he chose that muscle group on purpose to honor the connection to the people around him to his team to the fans and more Importantly his commitment to do whatever he can to lift them up at every opportunity just like they would for him Whoo goosebumps, right?
They're like sports Jesus's jeez, I I Don't know. Maybe they're just dickheads.
That's the show. Please join me next time when budget allowing. I'll have maybe like a Hammock. I want to thank you all for watching. But instead I think it's only fitting that after you this That's for you. You know what it means But any new new new new new new new new new Hi everybody, thank you for watching if you like this, please like and subscribe obviously Also, if you have ideas for other dregs of low culture that you want me to defend, please put them in the comments I'm happy to look at them also, if you have like a desk at home and and you you know, like a Service that would ship that kind of thing. Please send it to me a A lot of the money just goes to OPCD. I'm gonna be honest |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_chris_christie_s_niece_attacks_latino_family_france_gives_out_free_condoms_snl | Chris Christie's niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused a Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame. A new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded and it was not easy to remove his streams said the maid who cleaned his couch. On Christmas, the Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old girl a famous for her red hair, has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it's La and she was in her 40s. This will get you back: A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It's a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as this story is, it's not as disturbing as imagining the woman's drive to the police station with full buckets of feces because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom. I France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant! |
cracked | all_the_terrifying_stuff_that_happened_on_the_set_of_poltergeist_part_1 | Let's talk about one of my favorite horror movie franchises of all time, Poltergeist. It's not just scary because it's got demons and creepy clowns. It's scary because a lot of weird ass stuff happened on set, including, but not limited to, the untimely death of five almost six cast members during or shortly after filming the movie. Most notably, Heather O'Rourke, who played the blonde-haired, scene-stealing daughter in all the films. She unfortunately passed away from congenital intestinal abnormality and septic shock at just 12 years old, right after filming Poltergeist 3. But many believe the Poltergeist curse started much earlier. The older sister of the family was tragically murdered by her boyfriend just shortly after the first movie was released in 1983.
The other two actors in the spooky string of death were Will Sampson and Julian Beck. Their deaths were a little more predictable. They were older and had illnesses. Still weird though. In 1992, Richard Lawson almost died. He was in a plane crash where 27 other people were killed, but not him. |
SaturdayNightLive | gump_snl | Green Bow High, 20 year reunion, Make some noise! Whoo! look who just walked in, Mr. Popular himself, Ricky Monroe. Yep, the King is back in the castle, fastably late as ever. Well, reunion awards are coming up, so stick around, y'all. Ricky Friggin' Monroe.
Oh no, is that Caleb and Randall? get over here, babe. I played football with these guys.
What was that? it doesn't matter. how the hell you been? you know, I heard you moved to the big city. that's right, Tallahassee, Florida. I left the day after graduation and never looked back. now I own the third best nightclub there, and as you can see by the threads, business is good. wait, no way. is that Forrest Gump? I wonder what that idiot's been up to since high school. Forrest Gump? honestly, kind of a lot. yeah, learning to tie his shoes. God damn, he was dumb. you guys remember we used to chase him on my truck and throw rocks at him? Those were some of my best memories. really? I'm kind of ashamed of that. Why? I bet that guy still was at home with his mama. remember he was always saying that? mama says life is a chocolate bar or whatever. So you, like, seriously, haven't heard about all his adventures? adventures? If anyone from this town has had adventures, it's me. one night at my club, I did cocaine with Danny Devito.
All right, y'all, let's give out some reunion awards. the award for most stylish goes to Ricky Monroe. Hey. boom, baby. let's be honest, I had this one in the bag. this is a hoot. Thanks, y'all. All right, our next award is most successful. uh-oh, looks like it might be as clean sweep tonight for me. the winner, of course, is Forrest Gump. thank you very much. most successful?
No, I can't be right.
Congrats, Forrest, on everything you've accomplished from your Purple Heart, your ping pong career, of course, Bubba Gump Shrimp, which has made you Greenbow High's first billionaire alumni. did you just say billionaire? I did. Gump, you have a billion dollars? No, I don't know much about money, but the nice man at the bank said, i'm probably worth more than that, 1.3. that's cool. I got two jet skis, so whatever.
So, Forrest, do you want to say anything? yeah.
I'd like to dedicate this award to Mama. who's also his date. Mama's in heaven.
All right, sorry. sorry about that. I also want to dedicate this to my very best friend in the whole world, Bubba. who couldn't be here tonight because he's imaginary. No, he couldn't be here because he died in Vietnam. Okay, all right, I didn't know. Well, thank him for his service.
And, of course, my very best girl, Jenny. No. Hot Jenny, you locked that down? Oh, I got to get to the bottom of that. Hot Jenny, girl, where are you at? She's in heaven with Mama. sorry for your loss. do you have any friends that aren't dead?
Lieutenant Dan. hey, where's he at? Stand up, man. he can't, uh, he ain't got no legs.
God dammit, whatever, you won, Gump. Okay, well, thank you, Forrest, and find me later because I want to hear all about the time you met John Lennon. I didn't go. came with Danny Devito. thank you. Awesome.
Okay, well, Ricky, don't go anywhere because you have won, again, our last trophy, the Peaked In High School Award. Hey, hey, Peaked In High School was still going up. Yeah. that's, uh, that's not what peaked means. doesn't matter.
Wait, Gump, what the hell do you think you're doing? me and your wife is like peas and carrots. Thank you. |
cracked | the_top_5_douchebags_of_the_week_from_a_to_zonday_3_21 | In a recent survey, one in three British schoolchildren thought Sir Winston Churchill was the first man to walk on the moon. One in three, that's nearly 56 percent.
Douchebag number four, German doctors. A German woman is suing a hospital after she went in for a leg operation, and this is true. Surgeons gave her a new anus instead. I don't really have any comment on that other than to say, accidental anus transplant would be a great name for a rock band. The woman's lawyers are saying their lawsuit will tear the hospital a new ... never mind.
Douchebag number three, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson. He announced today that he's endorsing Barack Obama for president. Richardson's reportedly urging both of his supporters to now back Barack instead.
Douchebag number two, Tay Zonday, the freakazoid behind Chocolate Rain. He was honored with YouTube's Music Video of the Year award, somehow. The News on Cracked has not now, nor will it ever, provided a parody of Chocolate Rain. But we think Zonday is a douchebag. Dammit, I broke another promise. I also said I was going to be faithful. And finally, douchebag number one, Starbucks. They've been ordered to pay their California baristas more than $100 million in back tips and interest that had been paid out to shift managers. $100 million. That's almost enough for six cups of Starbucks coffee. And that's the douchebags. It's the week in douchebaggery.
Now my friends, if you love The News on Cracked, we need your help. We're cutting the show back to just once a week, in the hopes that I can spend more time masturbating. But if you love The News on Cracked and you want to make sure the show continues, I need each of you to get 200 of your closest friends to watch the show each week as well. And listen, if you hate The News on Cracked, first of all you have excellent taste. And second, all you need to do is get 300 of your closest friends to watch the show each Friday. I'll very quickly get too big for my britches and quit this freakin' job. That's it for today's edition of The News on Cracked. Check back next Friday, or I'm going to start chafing too much. |
TheOnion | this_recipe_for_five_tortilla_chips_with_ketchup_in_a_bowl_is_perfect_for_any_family_on_a_budget | Like for a lot of people, money has been a little tied around here recently, but luckily today I have the perfect recipe that keeps both my stomach and my pocketbook satisfied. It's five tortilla chips with ketchup in a bowl. Now I'm using a bowl here, but don't let that scare you away. In a pinch, eating this straight off the table or even the floor will taste just as good. First, you're going to want to add your tortilla chips. I like to break them up into pieces to make it feel like you're eating more chips than you actually are. Now grab as many free ketchup packets as you can and add to taste. At this point, you can pop the bowl in the microwave to make the ketchup hot, but if you're like me and pond your microwave for gas money, feel free to serve as is. And if your ungrateful child thinks that it looks yucky or that they ate this yesterday and the day before that and don't want to eat this again, just explain to them that making TikTok videos all day doesn't pay as much as you thought it would and that Mommy is doing her best. Because Mommy wants yummy food too. But Mommy doesn't know when things are going to get better. |
dropout | worst_party_foul_in_history | Patented a process to turn gold into... toenails. Psst, hey, hey, hey. My parents are out of town because they have to lie low for a while, so I'm gonna throw a bitchin' party. You in? Yeah! I'm in too! And I'll make my famous yellow fever cocktail. I'm not inviting some crazy-ass half-magic middle-aged teacher. Really?
Well, you might want some half-magic adult when your party turns into a deadly disaster. It's just a party. What's the worst that could happen? Some of the greatest disasters in history happened because a party got just a little out of hand.
Oh, no. Woo! Ahh!
Well, November 25th, 1120 A.D. King Henry I is returning to England from Normandy. Hey, I'm Thomas Fitzsimmons. If you're going across the English Channel, you gotta come in my ride, the white ship. My dad supplied ships to William the Conqueror, so you know this baby's fit for a king.
Fast, state-of-the-art, great sound system.
Hey, numby-bunny, who in the hell? Ah, what is this song? Hey, who? Hey, numby-dunny, numby-nummy, hey.
Oh, King Henry already had passage back to England. Ugh, parents. Never want to do anything fun. So he compromised. All right, then. I shall return on my own, and you can ferry back William Adolin, my only legitimate son. Heir to the throne.
Yeah? Oh, this is gonna be sick. And his half-brother, who is next in order of succession. That's what I'm talking about. And his half-sister. Yeah! And a good chunk of English nobility. Oh, we're gonna have so much fun. Oh, and fuck it. Some treasure. This seems like a lot of important people to put in one place, but I'm sure if they stay safe, it may- Let's get drunk!
Hey! Donnie Donnie! Hey!
Party! Stop!
The young prince treated the passengers to three measures of wine. Soon, everyone was drunk and making terrible decisions. You guys know what we should do? What we should do is we should just be so funny. We're just left now. We beat the fucking king going to England.
What? What's so fast? Fuck, let's go! Let's go! What?
Uh, is this as bad as it looks? Probably worse.
There were three hundred people on board the white ship. Only one person survived. Ah, the captain. No, just a random butcher. Though some chroniclers say the captain did surface from the water.
Welp. And then drowned himself when he realized how royally he had fucked everything up. Damn.
After the disaster, King Henry's only living legitimate child was his daughter, Matilda. So I guess she became queen then, right? Nope. A woman had never before ruled England outright and the nobility hated her husband. After the king died, disputes over succession led to eighteen years of civil war known as the Anarchy!
But like the fun anarchy from Hot Topic shirts, right? It was described as a time when, quote, Christ and his saints were asleep. So it was a drunk driving accident that caused almost two decades of war and chaos? And that was just from a casual last minute hang. Can you imagine what could go wrong at a wedding?
If you liked that episode of WTF 101, I have good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Uh, Dropout is the new premium ad-free and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Oh! Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today! Alright, everyone can disperse now. That cop cut down our eels! Get it? Oh, Christ! |
dropout | hardly_working_animated_superpowers_2 | What I basically want is that for things to affect me in a way that they oppositely should. Okay, that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is if I eat french fries I will become healthier. The less I shower the better I smell. Girls are fucking loving it. If somebody like hurts me and beats me up I will get stronger. Jumping off buildings, turning into giant humans. By the end of the fight I haven't done a single thing, but I'm like 9 foot 6, 540 pounds, pure muscle. Every six pack I have has a six pack, so I have a 36 pack going and he's just freaking the eff out.
I kind of would want control of the animal kingdom. Dogs barking, you just be like shut up and it'll stop. What I would most want is I would like call all the puppies to me and I could just lay down and they could just like crawl on me and I could have all these puppies and girls would be like oh my god can I play with that puppy? I'd be like no, and then I'd tell the puppy to bite her.
Hey leopard, hey tiger, you guys want to come for a walk with me? Now let that monkey ride your back. Let the monkey ride your back.
And exotic animal meats as well. Kangaroo meat?
Yeah. I'd be like come on, come over here, now kill yourself. And they would have to do it. If I could have any superpower I'd be a shapeshifter. I mean I could turn into anything. Let's say you had to kill Barry Manilow. I could turn into his hair and I can stab him in the throat. If it came to that.
Let's say some guy steals an old lady's purse and he's running. I'll just turn in the sidewalk and I'll trip him. His nose would crack on the pavement when he hit it face first.
I could turn into a Rubik's Cube or a Reuben sandwich or Jeff Reuben. I could turn into Reuben blades from Predator 2. I could turn into a Ruby or a sign that says Josh Reuben. You know be able to go up to somebody on the subway and say to them your wife is cheating on you in their language. I feel like there are a lot of guys out there that would really appreciate that super hero. I think I would want to be like a human pocket knife. So I think my arms would be like the knives. I could kill people and then I would open up my mouth and pull out a massive tweezer and tweeze off his eyelashes one by one. The nail clippers are like larger than life so I can just take them and clip off the villain's head. My leg would be a giant corkscrew and then I drink a glass of wine on the villain's body. I would be now man and my superpower would be the ability to live in the moment.
All of me and my friends would be at a bar and it'd be like 11 or 11 thirty. Everyone would be like looking at their watches going, we should probably go home. We have work in the morning.
I'd go, let's go to another bar! And my friends would go, now man? And I'd say, yes! And they'd go, oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | going_up_saturday_night_live | Yes, it's perfect. Exactly what I wanted.
You've designed a beautiful building. Mr. Hamill, you and your partner are to be congratulated. The front elevation Magnificent. Excellent space utilization.
Well, I've got a run. I've got a one o'clock uptown Norman again. Congratulations. thank you. good to see you guys a lot Sid. I'll speak to you later. Excuse me.
What's this here? those are the elevators. Mm-hmm And what's this thing? Oh, that's a stool I built into the elevator. A stool. Yeah, for the elevator man.
Well, it's all the same to you. I'd prefer you take it out. Why is that? Well, it seems rather obvious. I don't want my elevator man sitting on a stool. Well, it's no problem, Sydney. we'll take it out. So, uh, what do you say? We get some lunch, huh? No, no, no no, wait just a second. I'm not saying that they should be sitting in the elevator when they're taking people up and down, but when they're waiting in the lobby, I think they should be able to sit, You know, when they're waiting Sydney, there's there's nobody there, you know, Come on, let's eat. When do they get off this tool? When the person gets on the elevator, Or when they see the person coming? when the person gets on the elevator Or it's not when he sees them coming. that's not really a big issue, I see. no. forget it. Stu goes. get rid of it. I don't want it. Take out, the stool, Take out the stool. what the hell do you care whether the guy sits or not? What are you Victor got Bomb all of a sudden? Oh, I see. Is it wrong to believe that people should have a place to sit?
What is this? it's not even a stool For god's sake. we'll hit this. it's more like a Murphy bed. That's funny. this guy's no. Look at this. look at this. it folds up and goes into the wall. This is unbelievable. Norman Norman, do you know how much money this is?
Yes, I know that this stool means a lot to you. Well, it means a lot to me, too.
But they sit. They sit on their lunch break and they get breaks.
And they lean. They lean a lot. I mean, I seen them leaning all the time.
Let me tell you something. Mr. Architect Elevator men don't even want stools. that's how much you know. Oh, they don't Why don't we just call one in here? and we'll ask him if he doesn't want to sit. I'll be happy to take it out. Fine, That's fair of you sitting. that is very fair. Get the elevator man up here, will you please? You are funny. Do you seriously think he's not gonna want to sit? Yeah. yeah, that's right. they're not puppets. What do you think? they like? getting up and sitting down all day long?
Drop dead. Hey, watch who you're talking to, Mister. Oh, I'm real scared. Yeah, and you're tough, too. Come on, let's go. come on. come on. you shoot your shot. What are you nuts? I'll kill you.
Hey, if you take a job in a new building, would you want there to be a stool in the elevator? am I being transferred? No, no, no, no, it's hypothetical. I mean, you know, if you had a stool in the elevator, you know, if you had your chance to decide, would you rather would you rather stand or sit? are there people in the elevator? Yes. hey, you stupid jerk. I already said he didn't have to sit when he's taking people up. Well, I wouldn't want to sit if I was taking people up or down. But but but what? I guess if I was waiting in the lobby, it would be okay if there was a stool and I guess I'd get up as soon as I saw someone coming.
Okay, are you happy? So what? That's one guy, That means nothing. Oh, yeah, fine. what are you doing? what does it look like? I'm doing?
Einstein. come on. let's go. Good get out of here. Your building stunk drop dead. Go to hell. call me.
Did I say something wrong? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Finding_Dory | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at Finding Dory, Disney Pixar's long-awaited sequel to their 2003 hit Finding Nemo, and a powerful indictment of how our society's failure to adequately care for the mentally disabled places an unbearable burden on the family and friends of those afflicted. Finding Dory focuses on the titular fish, who, as in the original film, suffers from a debilitating case of anterograde amnesia, a relatively rare neurological disorder, but one that produces significant challenges. Challenges that will be sadly familiar to anyone who has ever found themselves forced to look after a loved one whose declining mental function has left them easily confused and unable to perform simple tasks on their own, such as feeding themselves or navigating to and from the bathroom. In the film, the burden of caring for Dory falls on her close friends Marlin and Nemo. The pair do their best, but they, like thousands of overtaxed men and women nationwide, simply aren't qualified to provide the kind of round-the-clock attention that someone with severe neurological damage requires. They must drop everything in their lives to watch over Dory and keep her from causing harm to herself or others, a situation that can lead even the most patient individual, human or aquatic, to become frustrated and angry. Finding Dory is careful to make it clear that the disabled are still very much valued members of our society. These are our family members, our friends, people we care deeply about. Dory has much to offer the world, but at the same time, she has greater needs than the average fish.
Just as my Nana did after her stroke, when she too often became confused by her surroundings and even had trouble recognizing her own grandson, Petey. In fact, watching this sequel, I was reminded of how many times the need to care for Nana left me feeling like Nemo, crippled by my own little fin, a metaphorical representation of my limited preparedness for dealing with such a heavy responsibility. I can still remember the day we realized it wasn't safe for Nana to live on her own anymore. We were at Sears together when we noticed she had wandered off. She wasn't lost anywhere as vast as the Great Barrier Reef as Dory was, but I still found myself caught in a panicked search that took me all the way from housewares to the children's footwear section. It was the most terrifying 12 minutes of my life. Thankfully, a store security guard, acting much like the surfer turtles, found Nana and brought her back to us.
But sadly, for most Americans, there are no surfer turtles they can turn to for help easing the burden of caring for the mentally impaired. Perhaps finding Dory will inspire us as a nation to finally take seriously the needs of our most vulnerable citizens. But until that day comes, I can only hope the filmmakers will continue to bring us Dory sequels to remind us how far we as a society have yet to go. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | when_you_don_t_get_nerdy_references_hardly_working | There actually is a cogent argument for why the First Order is more powerful than the Empire. Okay, hold on. There is no way that Snoke is more powerful than Palpatine. Debatable? Grant, what do you think? I haven't seen the new Star Wars.
No! Fuck you! What the hell is wrong with you? Learn dork shit!
Back to the news. Grant. Me? Yes. Me? Yes. What is this?
After you.
Okay. Well, I guess that makes more sense. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna follow you. Come on. Not gonna start it. Welcome, Grant, to the Order of the Anahog Brotherhood. What is this place? Oh, we're the people who hate all that nerd shit. That's great.
I thought I was the only one. I was so lonely. Oh, no. There's actually a lot of us.
We just hide because we don't want to be shamed for not knowing our Harry Potter house. I told you to just say Gryffindor. They love Gryffindor.
Actually, it's Grim-ble-door. Are you sure? Yeah. I heard my little cousin talking about it. That's the thing. Harry Potter is for little kids. Why do I have to know what I'm a man? I know. That's why. It's for literal babies.
And it's a lot of books. A lot.
It's okay.
That's why we created the Order. It's a place we could go where we didn't have to worship at the altar of Lord of the Rings.
If you have to. And we trade tips we can use to pass. Ooh, yes.
Okay, if anyone tries to talk to you about Game of Thrones, just say Red Wedding. It's a Red Wedding.
No idea. But if you say it, they'll go into a 10-minute monologue and you can zone the fuck out. It really sets them off. They're like, can you believe it? No spoilers. Cannon. I don't know. Ugh, I can't. Yes.
Sci-fi and fantasy have come to dominate pop culture. But here, you can like what you like. Worship as you will. So I can say I watched Darkest Hour and I loved it.
Yeah, and we won't even call you a grandpa.
How do I find you? Do I get an encrypted message? Do I follow a trail of symbols?
Actually, we just have a Google group. Yeah, I'm the admin. I'll add you. Don't forward anything? Yeah, I can do that. I'll email you about our non-nerd fellowships like going to concerts and basketball games. Oh yeah, and we'll also talk about all the hot sex we're having with humans because we're not playing Fallout.
Suck. Whatever that is.
Grant, we're so glad you could join us. Welcome to the cool kids. It's truly an honor to be some place where I won't be persecuted for my beliefs. Hey, we're gonna go check out a mic. We should come. It'll be dope.
Ooh, I can't tonight. I have tickets to Pippin.
Now back to the news. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_simon_rich | Please give it up for Simon Rich! It's really good to get out of the house.
I've been reading a lot of articles about that lady that gave birth to all those kids at the same time. And when she gave birth to the kids they did an interview with her and she said that it had been a miracle because she prayed to God for the kids and so I wrote a piece that's the scene in heaven when God is doing that miracle. And it's a conversation between God and one of his angels.
God, can you help me stop this forest fire? It'll just take a few minutes.
Hold on, I'm busy giving this woman extra babies. I've already got her up to four.
Whoa, sir, no offense but that looks pretty unhealthy. What do you mean?
She asked her babies and I'm giving them to her. It's a miracle. I know, it's very noble of you to answer her prayers.
I just, I don't understand why she needs so many babies all at once. I mean, wouldn't it make more sense to space them out? Hey look, I got it up to five. Aren't you at all nervous about medical complications? I mean, these babies will almost certainly be delivered prematurely. Six, check it out, six babies. Sir, this is really impressive but I really think you should focus on the forest fire right now. One more baby. Don't you think six is enough? Seven is the record.
I want to try to at least tie it. No offense, sir, but I'm not sure if this is the best use of your time. Trust me, this is going to be huge. No offense, sir. |
TheOnion | Everyone_At_Office_Planning_Shooting_Spree_For_Same_Day | An annual teeth cleaning reveals three previous rows of undiscovered teeth, a neighborhood flocks to a coffee shop bulletin board to read about fun upcoming events, and a partially faded hand stamp is undermining everything a prosecuting attorney says. It's a brand new year, ripe with fresh opportunities to improve your life, and here you are watching this web video. This is the Onion Week in Review. In Chicago, Dr. Richard Kimball, a once eminent vascular surgeon and wanted fugitive for the murder of his wife Helen Kimball, was apprehended this week after disrupting a downtown gala and accusing his colleague, Dr. Charles Nichols and pharmaceutical giant Devlin McGregor of fraud. The incident, which is the culmination of a sensational manhunt that has included Kimball escaping a prison bus, saving a boy's life in a hospital, and barely evading US Marshals at a nearby jail, reportedly occurred only hours after Kimball subdued a one-armed man, who he claims murdered his wife. Authorities credit their success in capturing Kimball to their array of highly advanced technology, including fax machines and phone taps.
This week in Washington, D.C., four copy editors were killed in separate incidents amid the ongoing violence between the AP Style and Chicago Manual gangs. Police say the string of murders matches similar crimes all across the nation committed by the rival gangs of copy editors, both attempting to establish control over grammar and formatting rules. At this time, we believe that AP, Chicago Style, and possibly MLA gang members were involved in the violence this week, and we ask residents in major cities and publishing districts to avoid dangerous areas such as alleyways behind major publications, journalism schools, and newspaper factories. Police say their lead suspect is this former New York Times editor.
Marketing assistant Drew Winberg told reporters this week that he is the only person in his group of friends who has not been both married and divorced. Saying he is the only person he knows who hasn't found his true love and then grown apart from her and broken up, Winberg lamented his role as the token single guy celebrating his friends' weddings and supporting them through their divorces. You know, it just seems like everyone I know is just getting back into the dating scene after picking up the shambles of their lives, and I'm always the odd man out. Well, at least if I fall in love with someone now, I guess I can get divorced in time for my friends' second marriages. And in local news, everyone at an office is planning a shooting spree for the same day.
In other news, an army commander is disappointed after reading the Facebook comments on his latest raid. An ornithologist is forced to participate in the History Channel's program, What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds, and a Walgreens manager is certain his dead father would have been proud of his Crest toothpaste display. I promised myself I would make it through one full video this year before brazenly insulting viewers. Unfortunately, some promises were meant to be broken, you uncomprehending halfwits. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
dropout | undercover_videogame_boss | This season on Undercover Boss, video game bosses are going undercover to examine the inner workings of their organizations. Alright, so here's how it works.
That hedgehog is gonna come running by really fast. So you hand me those coconuts, and I'll throw him at him. Got it? Yes, sir! Here he comes! Coconut! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Damn it! Wow! He goes by, like, really fast. Yeah, he comes flying by. Oh my god!
Fight back! I can't. Corporate policy says I have to wait my turn to fight, so...
Why are you kidding? That's insane! The new guy's right! This is crazy!
We should unionize! Yeah, that's a great idea. Um, you know, let's not do that. Along the way, they'll discover the unsung heroes of their company.
Life can be hard, you know. I mean, my oldest, God bless him, he was born with cerebral palsy. Some months it's hard to cover those medical bills. See, something tells me Master Shredder would be more than happy to pay for your son's treatment.
Really? You think... Oh, that would be amazing! Turtles!
They'll also learn that being a henchman isn't as easy as it looks. It's simple. First, the Mega Man walks in the room, and then you throw the boulder at him. What's so hard about that? But it's just so heavy. Couldn't I just use a laser or something? Yeah, I mean...
Listen, I don't think you're right for this job. Okay, I'm gonna have to let you go. They'll have to think on their feet.
I know I've seen you somewhere before. Negative! I am Todd! I am new! Hmm... Marie, this is my new friend from work. Uh, Growser, was it?
You have a lovely home. And in the end, they'll be making big changes in their companies. No more water in the water temple! Fewer flashing red weak spots!
Everyone's getting a gun! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't forget your hair net. Oh, sorry, sorry! |
dropout | when_your_facebook_thread_gets_hijacked | Hey, did anyone see London as fallen yet? I just saw it and I wanted to chat about it. Just saw it? I don't think anyone actually saw it, so, like...
Good morning! We are now hijacking this Facebook thread. We're no longer talking about the film London Has Fallen, we are now using that as a jumping off point to discuss London in general.
I visited there in the fall. It's beautiful. I know, right? It's familiar yet foreign all at once.
I'm looking for the person who started this conversation. Who is Zach Oyama?
What do you think about London? It's fine. It's fine, I guess, but we were talking about London Has Fallen the movie though.
Excuse me? You guys just came in and started talking about whatever you wanted, but this is my thread. Well, that's where you're wrong. You see, this is my thread now.
You know, I spent a whole summer in London once. Did you get the rail pass? I did. I visited all of Europe for pennies.
So smart! Such a good idea!
I think I'm gonna go this summer. I know I keep saying that, but this time I mean it. So if you got any tips or anything, let me know.
You don't have to do this. Just take it to another thread. Oh, you'd like me to take it elsewhere? Why don't I take this conversation to this picture of your niece? No, please. She doesn't know what we're talking about at all. I don't want my family to have to see this dumb conversation. Relax, I was just kidding. I hijacked this thread, but I'm not a monster. And besides, it's too late to start a new thread now. We'd lose the momentum of the conversation, and I'd likely lose a few hijackers.
I know it's a generalization, but is the food in England really bad? Yes and no. It gets stereotyped as sort of similar, you know, a lot of lamb and potatoes sort of thing. But in London there's a big city, you can find something for anyone, you know, a lot of variation.
Oh, I didn't think about it like that. You're right, it's a big city. Yes, hello? Zach? Yes, I saw it. I saw London has fallen. What'd you think? I thought the first one was surprisingly good, but that the second one... I know, right?
It's like arguably de-hiking because they're not in America.
Exactly. It's you! You!
There is a lesson, there is no getting back on track. The conversation is mine. Why? We were getting off topic. We were getting back on topic. Who's topic? Not my topic.
Do it. You know what, if you don't do it, I'll do it. I'll burn this whole fucking place to the ground. You think I give a shit about this? I'll blow it all up!
He's got a bomb! He wouldn't.
Three. Two.
Okay! Fine!
We'll go. Hijackers, out! Come on. Get off my thread. Come on, come on.
College Humor, this is Katie. Oh no, he's dead. Thanks. Bye. This is Mom. Hi, I'm Zach from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, or click here to watch another funny video. If you click right here, you can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person. Whoa.
Let me down. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_28_02_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | I'm joined today by Errol Parker, editor-at-large, how are you Errol? Always good mate, how are you? Good, good, good. And the fatty Vortin of the Diamantina Shire, Wendell Hussey, how are you mate? I'm very well, thank you.
And I certainly have had a few head knocks whilst playing footy, but I hope that I never get to that level. Yeah, a bit hectic. Midnight Weekend News, what's up first Wendell? It's been a dark one. Up first, Dutton has asked for Midnight Oil to be classified as a terrorist organisation. Hear, hear. Why was that? Well, after ASIO came out voicing their concerns about right wing terrorism, Peter Dutton said he's more concerned about left wing terrorism and he singled out Midnight Oil as one of the militant left wing sleeper cell groups that need to be targeted by our security organisations. Well, it's only a hop, skip and a jump in my opinion from having a number one album to obtaining a semi-automatic rifle and going on a shooting spree. In the Adani Galilee Basin area, that's probably next for Peter Garrett. We don't know. What we do know is that he certainly killed a lot of people with the Pink Bats program. Anyway, any comments on that one Wendell? Yeah, there were a few comments on that one.
One particularly good one was from Tom Mum from Batutah Grove and he said they also have the word oil in their title but are in fact against fossil fuels. These treacherous lies must be stopped. I think it's organic crude oil they're talking about. I thought they'd be more essential oils. In other national news now and men's rights Gronk demands feminists praise men who haven't unlawfully taken another life.
Yeah, that's fair. That is fair.
The fired up stay at home son said he's sick of the left wing media's hatred towards men by revealing the alarming and horrifying statistics around male violence. This young bloke who was, as we said, a stay at home son who really didn't have any women in his life except for his mother who would deliver chicken tenders to his granny flat studio apartment every four hours on repeat said, you know, the media should be focusing on just how many men don't kill people because he's sick and tired of hearing about the ones who do.
He feels like he tarnishes men. Yeah, he said, I didn't kill my partner. I've never even had a partner. Why should I have to listen to the concerns of terrified citizens who don't like the idea of one woman being murdered a week by their partners? Interesting point he makes. There's also a lot of comments on this one, one from Rosburn who said, well done to most men for stepping over the very low bar of not killing anyone today. And Peter Tippett who said, it's nearly midday and I haven't even bashed or killed anyone yet.
I'm awesome. What's up next, Wendell?
Down south in Sydney and there was a bit of a scene as some young liberals escape from one of Sydney University's elite all male colleges. Yeah, there was a bit of a scene earlier this week when some primates were spotted running around the RPA district down there in Sydney. Initially it was believed they were baboons from a research facility in Sydney's Northwest, but it was later revealed just three young men from an elite Sydney University college. And I think a lot of people who listen to our radio station do subscribe to the theory that the world would be a much better place if we took every alumnus that went to the Sydney University and shot them in the street. Yeah, I mean it's a radical decision, but we have made our stand by simply not hiring. We've made our way of showing solidarity with the oppressed people who didn't attend Sydney University.
What's that expression they use in Ireland, Errol? Oh, tracheola.
Our day will come.
Yeah, and they did manage to get those boys back to their colleges. Obviously they were very scared after being let out into the real world, but thankfully they didn't do anything their dads needed to cover up. Well, that is a relief for everyone.
Back home in town now and criminal lawyer mates starting to get a bit too close to a couple of the good blokes he represents. Yeah, this is almost in the same vein as the last story there, Wendell, a young man who weirdly cites the popular Stan TV show Better Call Saul as a source of inspiration for his work in criminal law, has told some extremely concerning stories down at the pub this week. One in particular about a notable Batutin underworld figure who is enjoying a golden shower, I believe, which has put all of his mates on edge. Disgusting. I'm shocked that this type of thing is happening in our cosmopolitan desert community.
Fair enough sentiment. And if you at home or wherever you are want to be entertained by dodgy legal stories without risking your safety and your career, don't miss the new season of Better Call Saul only on Stan and streaming live at the same time as the US each week. Sign up for a 30-day free trial if you aren't already a subscriber. Apologies for that listeners, we're moving on. We certainly are.
And bloke who started Buck's party as the groom's weirdo workmate finishes weekend as the MVP. We've all done this at some point, haven't we, Wendell? We've all found ourselves on the outer circle at a Buck's party. And this actually is an actual feel-good story, an underdog story, and we all love one of those. Local man by the name of Kieran was initially pitched as a good bloke when you get to know him by the groom to be himself. You know, when someone is pitched to you as a good bloke once you get to know them, the chances are usually that they aren't a good bloke.
So he was frozen out of this particular Buck's party on the Gold Coast. It was cut off from taxi rides and conversations.
So he had to take one simple approach, which was out-drink everyone and apply scathing banter to the weakest links as he sees them appear. After a weekend of absolutely caning it, he eventually won them over with a lot of boys actually commenting on how much ticker he had because he hadn't actually slept. I could be the best story we've done this year. By day three, he had reportedly completely broken all of them with a couple of withering corpses vomiting on themselves asking for mercy.
That's a feel-good story for the week. Certainly is. So that'll wrap up this week's bulletin. Thank you for tuning in as always, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and join us again next week. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. See you next time. |
Fitzthistlewits | extreme_ghostbusters | WELCOME TO SPOOKY WEEK! Today, we're gonna be playing Extreme Ghostbusters, who are very similar to the regular Ghostbusters, except they're totally tubular, dude. In this game, you play as rookies Eduardo and Kylie, which is a bit disappointing, because I had my heart set on playing as one of my favorite Ghostbusters, such as Egon Spengler, Bill Murray, the black one, and the other one.
You are haunted by a veritable army of ghostly squids, amorphous blobs, and old people, all of which must be exterminated for the greater good. Take that, kindly janitor. That'll teach you to clean of your own volition, without pay.
The story is a rich tapestry of intrigue and raw emotion. You see, the Ghostbusters were on holiday, but they went missing or something, and there's an auction house that's haunted and shit, and it's up to Edward and Kira to save the day, yay! If I was mayor of New York City, I'd probably try and put some funding towards a professional ghost-catching service, as opposed to just leaving it up to a couple of work-experienced teenagers, armed with, what are, essentially, nuclear weapons. You know, what with the giant marshmallow man almost destroying the city a couple of years back, and then a demon almost destroying the city right after that.
Also, what's the deal with Slimer? All the other ghosts are at least somewhat human-like, but he's a weird fat slug thing with arms. What the hell was he when he was alive?
Also, what's the deal with throwing up? You don't throw up, you throw down! Thank you. Yes, I'll be here all year. Oh yeah, and you get to drive the car, which is good. Funness, six. Graphicals, five. Spooky rating OOOOooOO. |
SaturdayNightLive | jingle_pitch_2_snl | Listen up, gang. we're almost done with Q1 here at Roseman Family Florin, and our numbers are bad. And we're getting creamed by Begley, Tylen, Carpet, because their Q1's been gangbusters. because they have a jingle that sticks their phone numbers into customers' heads, and we don't have that. Mitchell, remind everyone what our number is. our number is 1-352-555-0178. we need to make that number into a jingle that's even catchier than Begley's. But boss, there's no way to make that number a catchy jingle. Yeah, it's just way too complicated. that's where you're wrong.
Team,: Last night, Mitchell and I went to Luciano's. and yeah, I was drinking. And when I say drinking, I don't mean drinking.
I mean, I was getting ripped off strawberry decks. And while Mitchell was crushing strawberry decks, a band took the stage and laid down the catchiest pop phone cooks I've ever heard.
Fellas, get in here. I won't start with people. Bueno Dia. we are Soulboof. Everyone, this is Soulboof. And they had to save Roseman Family Florin.
Yeah. I heard y'all needed a sexy little jing to juice up your Q1. Mm-hmm. Ooh, here we go. Ah, you remember this one? I do. they ain't ready to go. they ain't ready. Here we go. jingle right here. let's go.
Guys, guys, I'm sorry. but that's not going to work for us. Oh, no. what's wrong, sugar? it just doesn't feel like what we heard of Luciano's.
Oh, her. you want it, Loochie? Yeah, you want it, loothed. exactly. when I hear this track, I should feel like I'm ripped to the gods at Looch. Feel me, Cuh? Hundo 100%.
Yeah, and I think the numbers should be closer together. Yeah, and I think you said way too many fives. notes received. All right, yeah, well, I think we got just the groove. Ooh! you remember this one? quickly, man. sexy little number for you right here. come on. make love to me. Here we go. let's go. Hey, hey, hey, all right.
Do I look like a dumbass to you? you call that a looched-up track? that track was half-looched, tops. tops? I mean, what is so hard about this? I should feel five decks deep and looched right now. Is that so hard? Is it really so hard to write a jingle that makes me feel like I'm getting dacked down in the back of the looch?
Ricky's about to cut me off, but then that pepper boy with the bowl cut looked like the Good Doctor. about to make me act up! Exactly! If you can't give that to us, then we're done here. Understand? Absolutely. Claro-related. Also, I'd love it if the number was clearer. All right. I think we might have just the thing. ladies and gentlemen, Q1 is coming into a class. it's a special time of year for us all, and if we're gonna do this jingle justice, we're gonna need a little help. Fuck. who? me? But, sirs, I don't know the words. free your mind, Mama Seater, and the rest will follow.
Here we go! Let's go! 13,525,550,178. Come on, Karen, that feels so good. 13,525,550,178. Oh, My. God, Mitchell. did we do it? was it Loochie? Carolyn, not only was that perfect, but more importantly, I feel absolutely dacked down, peped up, and looched out. everybody! here we go! 13,000,000, 6,000,000, 525,000,000, 500,000, 7,000, 1! |
TheOnion | God_Possesses_Pope_Francis_s_Body_Spins_Head_Around_In_Miraculous_Sunday_Mass_The_Topical_Ep_39 | A truly miraculous occurrence in Vatican City, as God himself speaks directly to his devout followers. Hear how the faithful around the world are responding, and later, can we teach robots to feel pleasure? Well, there's only one way to find out. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is the topical.
I'm Leslie Price, and I'm already drunk on news. I'd say it's about time you drank up. Stay with us.
The topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store. CashApp's a little shy, so it doesn't like to brag about itself much, but that's what I'm here for. CashApp is the easiest way to send or receive money. That's right, the easiest Aww, don't blush, CashApp. It's true! Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code TOPICAL. No, no, don't cry, CashApp.
It was a compliment. You gotta learn to take attention. Some incredible news out of the Vatican today. God, our Heavenly Father, creator of heaven and earth, spoke directly to his followers yesterday by possessing Pope Francis during a Sunday Mass in what Catholics are calling a true miracle. Take a listen. Come, my children! Humble yourselves before me, and I shall crack you everlasting life!
We're joined by senior religion correspondent Marcy Hammond from our Vatican City news desk. Marcy, is what we're hearing true? It is, Leslie.
For nearly three hours on Sunday, Pope Francis writhed in pain, levitated above pews, and vomited bile while possessed by the Spirit of God the Father Almighty. It's believed that God entered his holiness shortly after the introductory rites, when witnesses say the Pope's eyes flashed red and his head rotated a complete 360 degrees. Fall upon your knees and praise the sovereign Lord! Hear me and know that I am God above all others! This is incredible. Yes, onlookers say Pope Francis' head continued to spin like a top throughout the service. In fact, he spent the majority of Mass with his head on backwards, his torso turned away from the audience. What a magnificent experience to witness God inhabit a human vessel in order to speak directly to his followers. Yes, the majesty of the Creator was on full display inside the Basilica Sunday. Congregates sat frozen in awe during the homily when Pope Francis' knees and elbows snapped backward, causing him to crabwalk up and down St. Peter's Basilica while delivering a sermon on forgiveness.
Judge not, and you will not be judged. Forgive not, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven!
It must have been quite something for those present. What was the feeling inside St. Peter's? The feeling was transcendent. Cell phone footage taken by one of the Mass attendees shows weeping nuns running for cover when the baptismal font began spraying scalding water. Several congregants prostrated themselves before Pope Francis and begged for mercy after the four marble plinths surrounding the altar shattered into a pile of smoking rubble. We know this was a deeply spiritual, meaningful event for believers, but what about non-believers? How was the experience for them? Well, there was one self-declared atheist in attendance, but after experiencing God's love up close and in person, he may have become a convert.
At this point, a rosary snaked up the aisle and dragged the man by the ankles to the front of the church to receive communion. Shortly after that, Pope Francis threw himself out a stained glass window, ending the Mass. Wow! And how is the Pope now? Well, according to Vatican officials, his holiness is exhausted, but otherwise fine now that God is no longer inhabiting his body. He did sustain some cuts when he scratched the words, Help me, into his stomach, but the wound is superficial. And after seeing this and having all their deeply held beliefs validated, how are Catholics responding to this miracle? They're ecstatic! The faithful have been holding a vigil in St. Peter's Square since Sunday, praying for God to come back and possess the Pope once again. Vatican officials say they've strapped his holiness to a bed inside his chambers as they await God's return. Well, I'm certainly praying for a quick return. OPR's Marcy Hammond in Vatican City.
Thank you, Marcy. Thank you. So you've stockpiled all the canned goods and toilet paper that you could fit into your SUV and are hoarding an abundance in your home. Good!
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If these are the last three pieces of news you ever hear, please don't forget who read them to you. Here's what else you need to know today.
Thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded city streets in downtown Manhattan over the weekend. The breathtaking display of natural majesty came just mere days after humans began quarantining themselves indoors due to the ongoing spread of coronavirus. It was quite a scene.
A new study has found that over 55 million deaths could be prevented every year by some sort of immortality serum. That's huge news for the medical community. No such serum exists as of yet, but the study's authors say if there was some kind of miraculous oil you could drink that kept you alive forever, yearly deaths would decrease significantly all over the world.
And in the sports world, it's officially the end of an era, as quarterback Tom Brady has announced that after 20 years with the Patriots, he'll be signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and not returning to New England for the 2020 NFL season. Brady announced his departure in an Instagram post last week, thanking, quote, All the insufferable New England fans for giving me a reason to get the hell out of here.
And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. These are strange times we're living in, folks. But if there's one thing that has always comforted me in times of crisis, it's hearing all the horrible news hashed out over and over and over again, day after day, until it all eventually just becomes normalized. So be sure to like and subscribe to The Topical, where we'll be irreparably damaging your psyche each and every day until there are no more days. God willing, we'll see you tomorrow. |
TheOnion | Social_Security_Reform_Bill_Encourages_Americans_To_Live_Faster_Die_Younger | Congress today passed a landmark Social Security reform bill they estimate could save the troubled program billions by encouraging Americans to live faster and die younger. The so-called Grab Life by the Balls bill includes provisions to cut the cost of cigarettes in half, outlaws helmets, and adjusts the CDC's recommended amount of sleep from eight hours a night to when you're dead. The most effective way to stem our out-of-control Social Security budget is for all Americans to go out early in a blaze of glory. The bill's long-term initiatives, like repealing all gun laws and replacing train-crossing warnings with signs encouraging motorists to speed up, are expected to save Americans millions annually by gradually reducing their average lifespan by 15 to 20 years. The bill's short-term initiatives aim to immediately cut current Social Security costs in half by replacing senior citizens' monthly checks with vouchers for grain, alcohol, back-alley tattoos and extreme sports.
I got this coupon to motocross over a canyon, I guess I better do my part to help the deficit. But some critics are not convinced the bill will be enough to save the program from bankruptcy. We need a much more aggressive policy here, like my proposal to require all commercial airlines to do a barrel roll while coming in for a landing. Are you kidding me? We need to privatize. The government has no right telling me who to raw dog and what to explode. Supporters in Congress say that cost will be offset by the so-called pussy tax on products such as sweaters, vegetables, hand soap and flu shots. America, would you rather die old, broke and forgotten, or die a motherfucking legend? The new program follows in the footsteps of the Life is a Cartoon Medicare campaign, which encourages seniors to run full speed off of cliffs and smoke sticks of dynamite.
It's slippery. |
dropout | leaving_out_the_best_part_hardly_working | And was this your card? You never gave me a chance to pick. Ah, I always forget something. Yo, A.F., you're late for game night!
Sorry, you wouldn't believe how many rubberneckers there are on the road today! Was there a bad accident? Yeah, I got rear-ended in a hit and run. Wait, you were in the accident?
Way to bury the lead, A.F.? Seriously, did you get a look at the person? Can you describe them?
She was an older woman, white hair. Very funny. How do you know she was funny? She was Betty White. You weren't a hit and run with Betty White.
Why didn't you start with that? I started with what I thought was the most interesting part. There are a ton of people on the road today. Back me up here, A.K.A. Try again, bitch. A.R.A.K.A. He knows. That's not the most interesting part! Take it easy.
I just had a gun pointed at me. Someone pointed a gun at you?
Yeah, Betty White. Why didn't you report her? I'm not gonna report somebody I know. You know Betty White?
That's the most interesting part. How could I not know my foster mom? No, that's the most interesting part. Why did your foster mom, who is Betty White, point a gun at you?
Right? I mean, so what I stole her car. Anyway, I was stuck behind this guy who had his blinker on for like two miles. You're out of your fucking mind. Okay, this is the worst. Here, A.R.A.K.A.C. Cut the deck. Can't. Fake arms. What? Hey, if you think I look beat up, you should see the shark.
I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but Libra- Shut up! No, she's not! No, your third arm! Grant, I can't possibly be your first Martian friend. You're a Martian?
Don't you think that's an important detail to mention? I'm sorry. I didn't realize race was such a big issue for you. This is so telling, honestly. I always knew this was an issue for you.
No, that's- No, I felt it in the room. This entire night, I was like, something feels off in it to you. I don't feel like game night anymore.
You do need to get your priorities straight. Oh, we need to do more work and straighten our priorities.
Don't you even! Oh, I don't even.
Now I don't have to do anything. Well, anyway. Let's see if my accident was on the news. Still at large, and not for our main story, there's a ton of people on the road. Told ya. Shut up! Hi, I'm Rafael from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
cracked | why_satan_is_the_good_guy_in_doom_escort_mission | Dude, come on, you woke me up. Uh, yeah, was it the metal soundtrack or the demon screams? Or the unshakable desire to say, hey, you're good, buddy.
What the hell is this? Did Iron Maiden make a game and settle in space? Only, bad? I hate this. It's Doom! Holy shit, there's a new Doom game?
This music is awesome, I love it! Yeah, it's pretty true to the original, too. Most of the same monsters are back, with very smart enhancements, gun selection's good, locales are visually engaging, it's a nice update.
Did you still get a chainsaw in the BFG 9000? How do you- Doom's totally a game I would've played, come on, man, we've established that about me and my character. Right, right, character meaning the gist of a person's vibe, yeah. Anyway, yeah, the chainsaw's back, also the BFG 9000, only this time, it shoots a single plasma blast that lightnings everybody as it goes by.
Oh, that's awesome! So why aren't you in hell right now? You know, that's the first time you've ever said that to me, in a context that warranted it.
Well, I mean, why isn't your Doom guy blasting up demons in hell, instead of on this set of Tron? Uh, as I said, it's a pretty faithful update to the first Doom. So this is Mars. The same place- That the original game was set in, where a teleportation device created by the Union Aerospace Corporation, inadvertently opens a gateway to hell, and the name of Space Marine, or Doom Guy, who probably prefers to be called, must fight off the invading demonic horde.
Wow! Yeah!
Feels like I should have worn my big boy pants for this one. Or just, you know, as a courtesy, with a lot of fashion.
Anywho, yeah, it's pretty much the same plot. The only difference is, this time, the Doom Slayer- Totally metal update, happy with that.
Has to fight the demon horde on Mars, and in hell, at the behest of the UAC, who he only kind of listens to. A rebel ideologue, they're really nailing it. To destroy the portal, which they created to invade hell. Wait, they went to hell on purpose? Yeah, in this version, they go there to capture demons and weaponize them aliens style. Also to steal Argent energy, which I guess is what keeps the torchlights going, in what I think is best described as Satan's flesh temple. They're weaponizing demons to fight what?
Unclear. I guess aliens, but I mean, there's hell in this game universe, so maybe just because, or maybe, the aliens that we never see are weaponizing angels that we don't meet in the game. Which would fit narratively, but deeply disturb me philosophically if I'm being honest.
But how are they weaponizing them? Well, the wacko head of R&D just gives rocket launching jet packs to some of them. Like these guys. Oh, there's your typical zombie soldier types with various guns. Or there's the big guys with plasma cannons and such. So we literally kidnapped an army of demons, trained them to use our weapons, armed them, and then we somehow were surprised when things ran amok?
Like Jurassic World? Like dumb things? Yeah.
Fortunately, they also kidnapped the Doom Slayer, who's the destructive yin to their equally destructive yang. Honestly, it could technically be an altered beast sequel.
Or maybe it's Buddhist Hell. It's unclear. There's no Buddhist Hell. No.
Oh, thanks for clearing that up. But wait, the guy you play is also from Hell? Yep. Yeah, you wake up in apocalyptic sarcophagus. This implied that maybe you're the same guy from the original game, only with a whole different backstory, which might make sense if I read the lore, but I'm not gonna- Doom has lore? Oh, yeah.
Tons. Check it out.
How could a Doom game possibly need that much context? Doom should just be about running around rooms and killing monsters.
Oh, it is? That's basically all you do. Just sprint from room to room, smashing semi-militant terrors into a fine paste. No, but don't you see? That one plot change by the designers changes everything.
You're hurting innocent demons here. They're in Hell, man. They're probably at least pedophiles. But you still invaded their homeworld to acquire their energy resources and started a needless war with them. And now you're just wantonly destroying them for retaliating with weapons you gave them when they have a legitimate beef. It's political. You're America and they're...somewhere. Dude, they're literally demons. Blowing up someone who's been consigned to Hell is like the definition of comeuppance. All I'm saying is, maybe if you just let them endure their eternal torment in horror peace and not invade their already shitty world, this whole bloody mess wouldn't need to happen.
You know? Let Hell be Hell, man. Fine. Well, you know, I was gonna give you the next life, but since you have so many strong moral reservations, I guess... No, no, no, no, no. I wanna play. Hahaha. Yeah, Satan. Get ready for an ass full of... Oh, dang. Yep, that's about right. Ass full of what? Where were you going with that?
Are those my shorts? You're wearing my... No wonder they're so... You like?
No. Take them off. Don't take them off now. Hold on. Wait.
How do I... Shit. Oh, is that the giant can? The one that shoots grenades? Who the fuck was that? Shit. I don't know how to aim it.
Got it. Ammo. Nice. What is it? Do I gotta get that? I got it. Got that one. Oh, look at this. Two for two. Yeah. Come here.
Oh, shit. The throw... All those things. Oh, yeah. I remember those things. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
How many does it take to kill them?
Where's the chainsaw? How do I get the chainsaw?
Yeah. Oh, wow. These are way too many of these guys now.
Run! What is that? No! What are you? Come on.
I'm breathing heavy.
Yeah.
No!
Hold on.
I just need like... Shit. What are you?
No!
Guys, I'm so overwhelmed right now. Please just let me chill out in the crib. Whoa.
What is that?
No! Whoa! That's just a giant eyeball.
Go! Run away!
Yeah, I'm dead. |
dropout | why_bernie_sanders_is_actually_winning | Hey buddy. Hey.
You having trouble with your homework? Yeah, I'm usually pretty good at math, this just doesn't make any sense to me. Okay. Let me see if I can help you out. What are you working on? Bernie math. Here's the problem I'm struggling with.
Hillary Clinton currently has 1,930 delegates, alright? Bernie Sanders currently has 1,189 delegates. Explain how Bernie Sanders is actually winning like the internet says he is.
Did you remember that he's winning but the lame stream media isn't reporting it? No, no, I don't see that at all. He has fewer delegates.
Okay. Well let's take a look at your math and see where you went wrong. Okay. Yeah, I just compared the two numbers and saw which one was bigger. Yeah.
See, you skipped a bunch of steps here. First, you have to subtract the superdelegates. Wait, no, why did you do that?
Now, bear with me. Then you add 10 momentum points for every stake you won in a row. Multiply that by how much birds like him. Now, you do have to subtract a point for every media outlet that is blacking him out. But even after you do that, you can see that he's winning in a landslide. No, it feels like you're just jumping through a bunch of hoops to mask a hard mathematical truth that you don't like.
Could it be that you're a fucking Hillary supporter who thinks she's going to win? Could it be that you're a fucking Hillary supporter who thinks she's entitled to presidency? No, I'm not saying anything about the candidates themselves. I'm saying if you look at the numbers, Hillary Clinton's delegate count is bigger.
Okay, let's look at it like this. Okay. So, California has 475 delegates, right? Okay, yeah, I'm following you. Okay. Everyone I know personally is voting for Bernie Sanders. Therefore, we can assume that all 475 delegates in California are going to go to him. And there you go. There I go.
What? No, even if he wins all 475 of those delegates, he's still losing. You're making the same mistake. You're not subtracting the superdelegates. Yeah, so can you explain why you do that again?
I don't like them. Okay. They're not democratic. Okay, oh. No, I think I get this.
Okay, so that means we also don't count caucus results because those aren't very democratic when you think about it. No, no, no. We love caucuses. If anything, caucuses count double.
Well, now I'm confused again. It sounds to me like you think it's impossible for him to win and you're a neoliberal shill. I'm not saying anything about him as a candidate. I'm just saying he's not currently winning. And it's really weird that you have a completely different narrative. I think you aren't factoring in how much I want him to win.
If you do that and you remember that Obama came from behind, then you can see that actually all those superdelegates moved to Bernie. Why does that do anything? Because you said we're not supposed to count the superdelegates. Oh, yeah, no. You count superdelegates if they're for Bernie. This doesn't make any sense. I gotta say I'm surprised.
I didn't realize you hate Bernie this much. I don't hate Bernie.
Look, I'm just saying if you look at the numbers and if they don't change, I feel like you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. I'll bet your $10,000 Bernie wins. You don't have that kind of money. Oh, first you assume I have all the money I want.
Please help. |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_nfl_sunday_snl | We've got a big game coming up between the Philadelphia Eagles who lead the Nfc East and the New York Jets, who were cursed by a warlock 1,000 years ago, and they can never experience joy. Joining me today are our analysts, Howie Long, Coach Jimmy Johnson, Hall of famer Michael Strahan, and for comic relief, Terry Bradshaw.
Yeah. Dynasty in here I am. All right, it's Week seven, and if any Taylor Swift fans are watching, the Chiefs game was on Thursday. you just missed her. Yeah. yeah. listen, sorry, Swifties. this is a show about football. it's a sport. Ask your Dad. All right, All right, All right. let's get into the game and stop yapping about Taylor and her little boyfriend. All right, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Boyfriend? hold on there. no one said boyfriend. let's not jump to conclusions here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. they're hanging out. they're taking their time, and I think that's great. Jimmy, I really have to disagree. she's in the luxury box hanging with Mama Kelsey, knocking back cocktails with Deadpool. folks, they're official. Hey, hey, I'm just glad it's not Matty Healy. ooh, don't say that name. No. look, look, I just want to say whatever it is, I want to say to Travis Kelsey. from one Super Bowl champion to another, this is a way bigger deal than the Super Bowl, All right? you cannot mess this up. this is very, very delicate.
Come on, come on. it's so early. you're treating it like it's Joe all over again. that won't end well. didn't you listen to Karma? What? Karma's not about Joe. Are you insane? not everything has to be about Joe. it was affirmative relationship.
Okay, enough. let's get to the game. All right, now, the Eagles are heavily favored, but the Jets have some defensive schemes that might slow them down. let's go to our newest Nfl sideline reporter, Kenny D'tulio, who's at Metlife Stadium. Kenny, what's the mood down there?
Devastated Kurt. Taylor is nowhere to be seen.
Oh, come on, you two. Why would you think that Taylor Swift would be at a Jets-eagles game? What do you mean, Why? Because there was a rumor online she was coming to cheer on Travis, Kelsey's brother, Jason, who plays for the Eagles, duh. But so far, no sign of Blondie. I'm starting to wonder why I'm even here. Because that's your job, Kenny. you are a football analyst, so let's get into it. what should we look for in this matchup?
Okay, guys, there's a lot going on here. let's take a look. notice Taylor's eyes. look at the thumbs up, folks. it's a love story, baby. Just say, yeah! Well, thank you, Kenny. you have been the opposite of helpful. I cannot believe our sideline reporter is the world's biggest Taylor Swift fan. hold on now. I was online for the past 48 hours getting these era's movie tickets. it's got to be Me. Jimmy, come on. everybody knows I'm the biggest Swiftie here. you? you're not even on swift talk. Have you even seen Taylor Love?
Who, me? Oh, I don't know. have I? have I?
Metlife Stadium, Night One and Night three. Well, guess what? Philadelphia, Night two. No way!
What were your secret songs? Forever in Norway and there's Love. Oh! you got this Love?
Oh, my, okay. knock it off. people tuned in for football, okay? let's take a break. when we come back, we will get into this heated East Coast rivalry. these two teams, they got a lot of bad blood. Because we used to have bad blood.
Okay, you know what? I'm done. when we get back, we are going to speak with someone who actually wants to talk football. Yeah! |
SaturdayNightLive | lucy_lawless_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Lucy Orleans. thanks for the applause. I'm not sure if that's for me or you're just happy that the Yankees are winning tonight. I'm from New Zealand, where we film my show, Xeno Warrior Princess. and my character is. Lucy. Lucy? yes. hi. Big fan of Xeno. Thanks. yeah. are you proud to play a lesbian? Well, actually, I don't. define my character, Xeno, as a lesbian. I like to think of her as a fierce warrior who travels. Hi, Lucy.
Actually, it's weird, because you and I actually have something in common. What's that? we're both in the Chicks. Yeah! yeah! Ok, you're a little confused.
Like I said, Xeno isn't necessarily into chicks. just because a character might be gay doesn't mean that the actor is. Hey, Lucy, I think you're really great. how about after the show, me and you go grab a beer and shoot some porn? I'm afraid I can't. Thanks, though. Does anybody have a question that isn't about Xeno's sexual preference?
Yes, sir. it's Ma'am. when Draco had to close the portal to the alternative Xenoverse, how'd you do that? Well, actually, we used computer-generated imagery to create the portal to What?
Does that answer your question? Are you feeling it? Have a great show tonight. Elliot Smith is here. |
cracked | auto_polo_was_an_insane_sport_that_s_exactly_what_it_sounds_like | Autopolo was an insane sport, that's exactly what it sounds like. This old-timey demolition derby was popularized by Ralph Pappy Hankinson, a Ford dealer who needed a gimmick to hawk unsold Model T's. Like the game being played on your chest, Autopolo followed similar rules to Equestrian Polo. Drivers piloted stripped-down vehicles at up to 40 miles an hour, while another guy hung off the side of each car to hit a basketball with a large wooden mallet. From the Midwest to Madison Square Garden, audiences couldn't get enough of this so-called lunatic game.
Oh yeah, since car collisions occasionally result in injuries, doctors and nurses were active team members. To care for players who had been bloodied, bruised, bone broken, tossed from vehicles, run over, or killed. Replacing cracked engines, broken wheels, and dead players became an expensive and uninsurable endeavor. And a number of states eventually outlawed the game, before its popularity faded at the outset of World War I. Though the spirit of a competition where you play to win, regardless of injury to the other fellow, still lives on as the unofficial motto of the National Football League. For more important facts like these, subscribe to the One Cracked Fact newsletter at crack.com slash newsletters. |
dropout | Grant_Anthony_O_Brien_Has_a_Mouthful_of_Water_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to The Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Cameron Bailey. And I'm the bad guy from that NWA video. Really? Because you look like if Eminem grew up in a house with both parents. Nope, I'm the worst. Not just in general, either. You're also the worst at this game, you giggly gangly motherfucker. So we're thrilled that you volunteered to punish yourself by attempting to keep your mouth full of water throughout the entirety of this shoot. Uh-huh.
I like this. I like this a lot. This is a good idea.
OK, so I. Oh, hey, you know what? It's the microphone's funeral. Yeah, that's right. Get it all in there. You like that, you little piggy, don't you? Oink, oink. Meanwhile, everyone, feel free to hurl insults at Grant throughout the shoot.
Now to our co-anchor, Beau, with a story on Chicago's world famous hot dog stand, the Wiener's Circle. I understand that you FaceTime with the Wiener's Circle, a restaurant known for roasting their customers, and ask them, what's the difference between a Chicago-style hot dog and a real hot dog? That's right. What was the point of this story? Well, it's funny you should ask that. The point of the story is that there's two different kinds of hot dogs, right? There's great hot dogs, and then there's hot dogs that people from Chicago think are better. Like, celery salt's gonna do fucking anything on your hot dog.
You idiots. Chicago sucks. There, I said it. You dumbasses.
The only place worse than Chicago is Ohio. Ohio, we love this Ohio. No, sir, what was that, Grant? Listen, Ohio's the fucking armpit of the country. This fucking dumb shit state that makes everyone look at it every four years. Like, oh no, we might choose the right president this time, and they always fucking fuck it up. Everyone gives Florida shit, and Ohio fucks up way harder than anyone else. Fuck Ohio is my point.
They're our leader point. All right, and what did they say in response to Roast You? They told me that they were just gonna take a pass on me and go right to Grant because it was like going hunting and seeing a much bigger deer that you wanted to bring down. They basically just talked about how, like, what a boring life you must lead to watch roller coaster videos in your spare time. It's like, we get everything's closed, but truly, you could do anything at your house right now. Figure out what to do with your life, you know?
They were a lot meaner than that. They really went after your insecurities, or in this case, they really went after Grant's insecurities. Could you reenact that, please? Like, for instance, it's so sad to watch someone past their sexual prime still really go for it. It wasn't that long ago that Grant was talking about how he changed his whole hairstyle because some Zoomer made fun of him on the internet. All it took was one anonymous 12-year-old, and this idiot over here changed up his whole appearance.
Ooh, brutal! Yup, and now to our correspondent, Lindsay with the weather. Lindsay, describe what the sky looks like outside today. But before you do, please keep in mind the curse the witch put on you that prevents you from mentioning colors or saying any words that start with the letter C. If you do, you have to imitate a sperm fertilizing an egg. Yeah, I know. So anyway, the sky today is tinged with yellow. Oh, shit. I walked right into that one.
Cool, so let's talk about sperm and eggs. So imagine you're anyone except Grant O'Brien, who's as infertile as they come.
And to be clear, that's not because he's, like, shooting blanks or anything. It's just because he can't get it up. No, it's not because of medical reasons. It's because he's used his dick close to a microwave too, too many times. How else are you going to get your burrito nice and warm so you can fuck it?
Imagine the sperm makes its way into the egg. Here's a little sperm swimming around. It taps into the egg and racing with other sperm. It enters the egg. Over time, it slowly but surely develops like this into a proper baby, unless that sperm and egg combination happens to have been Grant O'Brien, in which case it develops an unusually tall stature even in the womb.
Sure, it's like the remake of Willy Wonka with the real stretched out taffy kid. That's exactly right. Hey, Grant. Hanging in there, you bitch? Yeah, you bitch. I'm doing fine. You're all going to get yours in hell. Aaron Burr. Remember the, like, Got Milk commercial?
Of course you do, because you're old as fuck, Grant. Hey, Grant, add a baby pizza boy. Lily doesn't even know that one, Grant.
I'm a very young man. I'm very young.
Stupid. And now for our top story.
How former French pastry chefs turned pirates sailed to Cuba to dig up buried treasure. How did these French pastry chefs turn to a life of maritime piracy to begin with? God, I did a thing where I read the words, but I didn't process the thoughts, so I really don't know what I'm supposed to be explaining right now. Something to do with pastry chefs becoming pirates. Now, if you ask me, a pirate wouldn't make a good pastry chef.
Probably come out about as well as one of Grant O'Brien's cocktails. I actually think that Grant makes some pretty good cocktails.
The problem is just that he cares about it too much. Absolutely. He really wants to make a thing of it.
We are off the rails. What are we, Grant? We're off the rails. The rails.
And because I've lost the thread on this, what I instead will be writing, the number 44, which is how old I think Grant looks. I'm a good chap. Look, the point is, I certainly learned something. And now for our national anthem. Lindsey? I forgot the words, so instead I will howl like a wolf to the tune of the national anthem. Great. Correspondent goes on the Instagram live and howls like a wolf. Oh no. Oh no. Wow. How do you get to Instagram live? I've never done one before. Well, now who knows? Oh, here we go.
Oh my God. I'm not even going to look at, I'm not even going to look. Oh my God.
Big finale. I can't hit the side note. What is this show? That does it for us here on Breaking News, but before we go, we'll let you know that today's loser is Grant. Grant, is there anything you'd like to add?
We're all the same age.
It's not true. Grant, you're 44. I'm distinctly younger than you. Grant remembered voting in the Reagan election. |
dropout | when_spelling_it_out_gets_tricky | What's your emergency? I just found a bomb at my desk. I don't know what to do.
Okay. Remain calm.
Tell me what you see. There's a clock. A bunch of wires. A long string of numbers on the back. Perfect. Go ahead and read me those numbers. That should give me more information about the device and how to disable it. 834. G is in gnome.
Okay. Two. W is in right. I'm sorry. Did you say white? No. Right. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. OK. T this is the correct answer. No. Right. As in we will right our wrongs. I'm sorry.
That starts with an R. Down in a Prayer Journal and ask god for forgiveness. If you would just let me finish.
I'm going to need you to stick a little bit closer to the phonetic alphabet. You know, A as in Alpha, B as in Beta. That sort of thing. Will be, too. Charlie two. Okay, great. C two. No, no, no, no. The word Charlie spelled out, and then the number two. Also spelled out. I just thought saying it like that would make it faster. Forget the phonetic thing sir.
Just read me what you see. letter and number? Uh, M, M, N, M, M, N, N, N, M, M, M, N, N, N, N, N, N, M, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N, N. Shut up. Go back to the first letter. M or N? M as in mnemonic. Okay, is that M as in the first letter in mnemonic or N as in the second letter in mnemonic?
I don't know. I'm really bad at spelling. What are you doing?
Okay, it's M as in Mikey. N as in Nike. Yes. I just want to make sure, because you could be saying M as in Mikey or N as in Nike.
You just said the same thing twice. No, I didn't.
Mikey is a name. Nike is a shoe.
Oh, uh, all right. N as in, um... Okay, I think you're saying N as in knight. Yes, yes. N as in the second letter of the word knight, which starts with a K. Sir, we do not have much time. Right.
O as in zero, the last letter of the word zero. No, no, that's just a zero. E as in F, if you were to spell out the letter F. S as in C, A as in R. D as in W, then W, W. Who is that?
Wrong number. I hate that.
Hi, I'm Raphael. And if you like that video, subscribe to Dropout where you can chat with the cast and the exclusive Dropout Discord.
And that is a chest-thang promise, which is almost as good as a real promise. |
TheOnion | Excitement_Growing_Among_Beatles_Fans_For_Paul_McCartney_s_Funeral | At this hour, excitement is building for the death of Paul McCartney, following today's announcement that London's St. Michael's Cathedral has been officially selected as the site of McCartney's funeral when he dies. I can't wait to attend all the vigils. It's going to be really somber, but really fun, too. I don't think you even have to be a fan to appreciate how amazing it's going to be when Paul McCartney dies. I plan on crying so much.
Entertainment reporter Bree Lindsey joins us now with more on this. Hi, Bree. Hi, Damon.
Bree, this cathedral looks amazing. Everybody picture the organ playing the song yesterday as they slowly wheel Sir Paul's coffin up the aisle. It's perfect. There is a really nice wrought-iron gate in front where people can place cardboard memorials and flowers. And that's within walking distance of Abbey Road and Apple Studios, is it not? Yes, so Beatles fans can get together and generally just dance around and be both happy and sad. Wow, that's fantastic.
We understand there's also going to be a public memorial service where celebrities can make big, weepy displays of how close they were to Paul. Yes, exactly. Ringo Starr and Robbie Williams are going to sing a special rendition of Two of Us that people will pretend is touching, but then later remark how odd a choice Robbie Williams was. That should be terrific, Bree. I understand, too, that a number of celebrities are already tweeting their reactions to McCartney's eventual death. They are. Like this one from Nick Cannon who writes, I was honored to meet McCartney. When he dies, we will truly have lost a living legend. Yes, but it's the fans that are really looking forward to celebrating McCartney's life when he dies.
You bet. When he was hospitalized last month for what turned out to be the flu, fans flooded his website with messages wishing him a quick and speedy death. Great. Now, what about the death itself? Maybe everyone wants an open casket at the funeral. So no car wrecks or anything that causes his hair to fall out or his face to shrivel up. Right, exactly. Best case scenario, he'll get some sort of wasting sickness that takes him from healthy to dead in about a month.
That would make sense. Or maybe someone will shoot him in the chest or stomach. Oh, Bree, that would be fantastic. It would. Well, however he dies, let's hope it happens real soon. I hope so.
Thanks, Bree. Thanks, Damon.
Paul McCartney himself released a statement today saying, quote, I am very excited about my upcoming death. The mourning period should really be fantastic. I wish I could be there. Moving on, a new line of prosthetic limbs will allow amputees to more realistically weep into their hands. |
dropout | the_family_that_plays_spin_the_bottle_together | I Can't believe I'm finally meeting your family They seem so normal by the way you describe them unlike my crazy family that gives each other sock puppets for Christmas Well, it's about damn time the two of you showed up give Graham Graham a kid Graham Graham huh, and this must be So that's my Aunt Shelly that's grandpa over there Graham Graham, of course uncle Wayne in the house That's my youngest cousin Donnie, and that's cousin Connie Great now we can start the game. I Love games what family fun game are we gonna play? Your family's so funny I Get to kiss my kill you're what a cousin I'd like to actually Connie is Donnie's father's first cousin Nice try it makes a difference.
It's true. I am. I wish you were my first cousin Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The kisses are tasty This is too weird. I have to go.
Hey, remember what you always say. Don't judge a book by its cover You're right. I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite.
No, you would not your family doesn't play spin the bottle together. No Allie's family gives each other sock puppets for Christmas Ah, that's so weird.
It's Graham Graham's turn. Damn. Sway did it Gross kidding. This is great.
She's so glad that you're here experiencing this Hey get a room you two Well, at least they're married and siblings I am definitely leaving now hey, okay Do you hate my family? No, because if you left during the game That would mean that you hate them. This is not a family game. Okay, no families play this game this game Was very popular amongst the royal families of Europe What out of all the people in the room and I have to land on the outsider Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Gertrude on that table? Wait a minute, you're telling me you're related to dirty Gertie. That means you are family. Oh, there's some hot women here Kia's kiss kiss kiss kiss talking about you kiss my uncle Sock puppet |
TheOnion | press_secretary_spins_wife_s_death_as_a_positive | Good morning everybody. I apologize for being late. My wife just died.
Alright, we've got a lot on the agenda today, so let's begin. At noon, the President will be meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki via video teleconference. And the purpose of this meeting is going to be to discuss some of the security issues surrounding the newly appointed Iraqi government officials.
Yes, Matthew? Ted, I'm so sorry. I mean, your wife. Yeah, well, as you might expect, the pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, but we've got a lot to do today. So let's keep moving, okay? Maura? I'm so sorry to hear that, sir.
Jamie was a really wonderful woman. Yes, I can confirm that, but Maura actually made a pledge to the President and to the people of the United States to keep the nation informed as to the activities of its leader, the leader of the free world. So let's keep this going.
Next question, Jim? Can I ask what happened to Jamie, I mean? Jim, what happened was she died.
It was a car accident. We can't just bring the entire nation to a halt because of it.
So does anybody have a question for the President? Yes? Was there any mention by the President about Kim Jong Il's latest statements regarding North Korea's nuclear facilities?
Well, I'm afraid I can't answer that at this time, Maura. I was not at the President's briefing this morning. I was identifying my wife's body at that time. However, I will find out more about the subject and be happy to answer any questions about it later in the day.
Okay? Moving on? Is there anything I can do to help? Cards of flowers can be sent to my office, thank you. Do you need anyone to talk to or someone to help you with anything?
People, this subject is not on the agenda today. Believe me, there's nothing I'd like more than to drop down behind this podium and weep. But I can't do this.
Why? Because I'm a grown man, I've got a job to do, and so do you. So I'm going to take one more question on the matter of my wife and then we're moving on. Okay? Wilson?
Have you told Bobby and Meghan yet? Well, the children were in the car with their mother at the time. They're at Georgetown University Hospital. Bobby's in a coma and Meghan lost her legs.
Okay, next question. Is this question about the President's schedule? No. Okay, well then we're done here. Thank you for coming. Oh, wait. Everybody, Monday we may have to push Monday's briefing back until 10 a.m. if Janie's funeral runs long. Okay? Everybody have a great day. |
SaturdayNightLive | drug_commercial_snl | Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. what do you say we do this thing? I know, I'm ready. Yes. yeah.
Keith, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I'm someone who never thought much about medications until I got older, but this script is really sensitive to women's issues and honestly, I think will help people. Well, thank you. I hope so too.
What do you say? We give it a try, huh? I think that sounds terrific.
All right, places, everybody. and action. there's a new drug for gals over 40. it's hormone free and made just for me. easy to use and it's super effective. that's unexpected. So what is it called? it's called Bajurdin. how great a name is that? it's called Bajurdin. And where is it inserted? I think you already know and once bajurdin is inside you, then you're ready to go.
Whoo! And cut. Okay, wow. not bad for a first take, y'all.
I actually just have a concern slash question. Oh, you don't think it's dignified enough. No, that's not it at all. I actually really love what you're doing with Bajurdin. I was just wondering if we're all doing it justice. Like some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don't want to point fingers. I don't know. it would just be so sad if people didn't buy Bajurdin because the dancing was mid. Okay, I don't know what that was, but I also have a question. this drug is from Menopause, right?
So why doesn't the song just come out and say that? Well, we don't want people to change the channel. let's try this next verse and give it a little more energy this time. that's a great note. it's a great note for everyone.
Okay. and action. in just one week, you'll notice a difference. insert it down there just as deep as you can. no more hot flashes, Goodbye, Lola Bido. Wow, that's neato. what is it called?
Bajurdin. that's the name they chose. they chose Bajurdin. come on, girls, let's dance. vegeta is not for everybody. so ask your doctor if it's right for you. if he says no, find another doctor. just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take vegeta. What did he call it? Do Not use vegeta if you are allergic to vegeta. if you are allergic to peanuts, don't you put a peanut in your vegeta. peanut? He reacts differently to vegeta. Some people like vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta's very nice. clinical trials of vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet thought started. that's not good. vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. vegeta is highly addictive. it gives you an alcohol-like buzz, but with no hangover. I wish I had a vegeta, so I could take vegeta. try vagina today. Okay, okay, can we stop? yeah, he just said try vagina today. this product sounds really awful.
I'll tell you what's awful. look around, it's like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing. What's your problem? you're so nice at the audition. Yeah, that's what I do.
Okay, we're outta here. good luck, Keith, you'll never replace us.
Well now, what do we do? hit the music. there's a new job for gals over for you. it's called the Jj. I think it's for Jordan. Whatever, just dance. ask your doctor if the Jj is right for you. |
CrackerMilk | when_your_favourite_celebrity_gets_cancelled | Hey, do you want to go for a drive and pump some music? We can listen to Lizzo. Lizzo?
Are you serious? Did you not see what happened? How badly she treats her staff? I can't support that. Go look it up. Okay.
She encouraged one of her dancers, who was a known virgin, to touch one of these nude performers' breasts. She started a chant after I had said no multiple times. Oh my god, I had no idea Lizzo was such a jerk.
I know. Man, I just need a laugh I think. Maybe we could like watch some stand-up?
Louis C.K. He's got a few specials. Louis C.K.? Connor, did you not have a phone? Not Louis C.K. I could never support him, like, as a woman. Like, gross. But he's so funny. Stories from the women stretching back more than a decade, all saying Louis exposed and touched himself in front of them. Hey, you were totally right about Louis C.K. Maybe we can just watch like a movie or something, get our minds off things.
Maybe like American Beauty? I love that movie. Kevin Spacey's American Beauty. Yeah.
Kevin Spacey.
What did he do? Spacey is facing a dozen charges after four men came forward with accusations of sexual assault. He did. We believe this is tied to sex trafficking allegations. There's an investigation into claims that he may have been, that the rapper may have been involved in this.
Oh my god, I can't handle this anymore. It just feels like the world's falling apart.
I have something to tell you about Nickelodeon. Drake Bell speaks out about the sexual abuse he suffered at the age of 15. Former Nickelodeon star appears in the new documentary.
Freddie, why don't you put all my... It's still good. Come on, lick it off. Lick it off, lick it off. Oh, I get it. Oh, you're creaming me.
Louisa K... Okay, as a woman, I could never support that creep.
Are you sure it's not just a bit? There are other shows, you know? It wasn't that good. The slime was kind of... We can't talk about Nickelodeon. |
dropout | we_have_to_give_you_a_makeover | No, I think this is actually good for your pores. Oh my god, I love pores. Wait, I hate them. No, yeah, you should. You're right. Hey guys, can't wait to hang out. Please let us do makeup. No, I don't wear makeup, but it's fun to hang out with you guys.
Oh my god, could you just imagine, like, Janey, but like, with her hair brushed. Oh my god, like, she would look 100% different. Hey, I brush my hair. Oh, no, no, no, like, I totally get that, like, I can see it. I'm just saying, it'll look so much nicer, you know, like, styled with a product. And you have amazing eyes. Thank you. And with a little bit of concealer, they wouldn't look like the amazing eyes of her corpse. Oh, yeah, I read somewhere that women need more than 14 hours of sleep to not look like a dead person.
Yeah, I read that economist article. I think you shared it with me. Yeah. And I read the first title. Yeah, I shared it with everyone. You guys touch makeup, and all of a sudden, you're way into these backwards beauty standards?
Let's just hang out. We just want to have fun. Yeah, Janey, don't you want to have fun?
Oh, wouldn't this lipstick look so good on Janey? Oh my gosh, yeah, her lips right now look like a pale fish kissing a pale noot. And then maybe a little bit, just a little bit of mascara, so you don't look like...
Oh, Steve Buscemi, if he was made out of wood. If he was made out... I was going to say that. Oh my God.
I feel so lucky that you're my friend. I'm lucky. I'm the lucky. I have never met anybody who has been on the same page as me, so...
Why don't we do this more often?
Oh my gosh. Huh? Ooh, like a sweaty bird. I don't see the sweaty part. Cheeks. I like my cheeks. Like an assistant you hired to put your wife at ease. Yes. Okay, that's it. I like how I look.
Is the makeover over yet? Take a look. Not done yet. Say aww. Where's your nostrils? Oh no, this is gross. Not done yet! Aww. Wow, you look so good. Okay, we're done. We're never done. I mean like, we're done, but just if you had a little bit of bronzer, maybe your face would look a little less like, saggy.
Oh, I think you're thinking of like, she like, ugh. Like, sickly. Oh, okay. Sticky. Goodbye, you two. Ooh, no. Sickly. Mmm. Like a scrunchy? Like a scrunchy munchy? No, you're thinking of like a shifty, you know? Yes. Yeah, exactly.
I don't trust her. I don't trust it. No. How did Janie go? I don't know.
It's her birthday. Hey, what's up? It's Ali.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness, by the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today, and please, send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
SaturdayNightLive | encounter_with_martine_saturday_night_live | I mean, why can't there be something like the Sagrada Familia in the States? Totally. Why can't our country embrace beauty like that? I mean, we Americans are just locked into our consumer.
Whoop. What? that guy over there, he keeps checking you out. the one over there? No, he's not. Yeah, he is. Maybe it's because you've been staring at him during this whole meal. What?
I have not. I've just been enjoying my wine.
Yeah, right. Oh, well, guess what? he's coming over here. Seriously? Now?
Hello. Hi. American? Yes, I'm Danielle. this is Lisa. we're from Chicago. you have beautiful eyes. Oh. thank you. Hi, I'm Martin.
I would like you to invite you both to come with me to Sevilla for the weekend. Wait, where? to Sevilla. I have a villa there. we live in Juan Auer. what's in Sevilla? there is a fountain. it is radiant. it inspires me. you'll love it. So, you want us to come?
Yes. yes. Yes. Yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. you'll love it.
So, you want us to just drop everything and come with you to Sevilla? Why not? we'll spend the weekend. we'll eat well. we'll drink good wine. we'll make love. and then I will kill you. I'm sorry, you'll what? I will kill you. It is what I do. I take women to my home. we eat well. we drink good wine. we make love. and then I kill them. with, uh, commissar fair, uh, poison.
Oh. really? Danielle? we don't think so. Why not? life is dull. life is full of pain. life is short. shorter with me. this is a chance for something special. Oh. I have a car ready to take us to Sevilla at seat three. going there. and Juan coming back because by then I will have killed you. Think about it. Whoa. weird, huh? Do you think he was serious about killing us? I don't know. maybe. What? you're not actually thinking about going with him. Oh, come on. why not? we are in Spain. what are you talking about?
He just said he would kill us.
Lisa, he's cute. And this is Europe. it's a different culture. don't be so closed-minded. Oh, come on. just look at him. Oh, you have to admit, he's cute. that's not the point. Man, I don't know. why can't we take chances? there's something so interesting about him. it's like he's charming, but maybe he has a dark side.
So you want to go with him? Lisa, I'm young. if there's ever a time to go to Sevilla and get murdered by a stranger, this is it. it's my decision. So, have you made up your mind? I kill you. you know what, yeah, we have made up our mind, and I'm sorry. we would love to go to Sevilla.
Excellent. Danielle! why not? you only live once. come on, Lisa. please. come with us. Well, um. I kill you. Oh, all right. Gracias. all right, we'll go.
But no poison. Oh. maybe a little poison.
Oh, we'll see. Come. Espanola! come to Spain. have an adventure. |
CrackerMilk | every_man_s_fantasy | So, this is my apartment, and this is my housemate. Hi! Oh my gosh, Emily, you're so much cuter than you were saying. I know, he might be a keeper!
Hey, I just wanted to ask, every night we love to play video games in our underwear for a couple of hours. It's just more comfortable that way.
Is that okay? I guess it'll have to be. Just wait right here. Okay. Yeah, we'll get ready.
Yes!
You found our Pops. We love Pops. Don't you love Pops?
Don't you want to be a part of our collection? We could keep you forever!
Ha ha ha ha! Roar! Poppy walk in the room!
In the box! Get in the box!
Check out our Patreon, everybody. We've got uncut stuff there and bloopers. Get the fuck out of here. Keeper!
Hey, I just wanted to ask, every night we love to play video games in our underwear for a couple of hours. It's just more comfortable that way.
Is that okay? I guess it'll have to be. Just wait right here. Okay. Yeah, we'll get ready.
Yes!
You found our Pops. We love Pops. Don't you love Pops?
Don't you want to be a part of our collection? We could keep you forever!
Ha ha ha ha! Roar! Poppy walk in the room!
In the box! Get in the box!
Check out our Patreon, everybody. We've got uncut stuff there and bloopers. Get the fuck out of here. |
TheOnion | The_Burtons_Teachers_Ep_3 | Teachers, Wednesdays at 8 on the Onions Family Channel. Yes. Hi, I'm Andy's dad. We met briefly at the aquarium. Oh yes, Mr. Burton, of course. So nice to see you again. And this is my wife, Katie. Great to meet you. Andy talks about you all the time. Oh, thank you. We'll have his progress reports right in front of me, so please take a seat. I would just like to start out by saying that it has been such a pleasure having Andy in class.
Oh, wow. I probably shouldn't say this, but he's my favorite student. Oh. So sweet and he's so generous and, um, I'm sorry.
I'm so distracted. It's just, you look so much like me. I'm sorry? It's like looking into a mirror. We could be sisters.
How did you meet? Oh, um, we didn't really talk about it, but, um, we met online. What site? Uh, agnosticmingle.com.
Oh, I'm not on that one. I'm on a bunch. Sure. Is there a monthly fee? Yes, um, is this, uh... Oh, good. I, uh, I love the ones with the fees, actually, just because I feel like, you know, it's a good indicator of how serious someone is about finding you. You know, they have to be willing to pay for it. Yeah, I hadn't thought about it that way. That's a fair point. I'm sure you meet people here, though, you know, other teachers, single dads. Oh, not really, no. Actually, my boyfriend and I just broke up. Oh.
But you probably don't want to hear about that. I'm sure you don't have time with all the other...
I would love to get married, have kids. Sometimes it's really difficult seeing children every day, you know, when you can't find someone to have children with. I think I have a really great attitude, though.
So Andy's doing good? Jacob, um, I hear he's doing fine. That would be better just to have a clean break, you know. No, um, Andy, our son. No, of course. Um, no, he's great. He's just great. Actually, we made potato sponge art the other day. I know he would just love to have it at home.
So I'll just go get it. I'll be right back. Yay. Let's get out of here. Okay. |
cracked | disney_owns_you_marvel_studios | Hi! My name's Michael Swain and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls and we need your help to get it done. Please head to seedandspark.com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear to find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate.
Probably. Super to meet you, huh? It's marvelous.
See what I did there? You get it? Okay, come on. Take that sour look off your face.
This is your clause and I quote, all Marvel properties and meetings pertaining thereto must include an incredibly lame joke in the first 10 minutes. Figured we'd get that out of the way right up top. Don't want things to get too graphic. Novel.
Heed me, Disney emissaries. I am here to ensure the Marvel Pantheon is treated with all the respect due. Spandex clad freaks of science and nature. Our fans will accept no less. With great power comes great responsibility. That is great.
Did you just come up with that? Hey, relax. Disney has no interest in messing with your formula. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, you know? Help.
Whole company was founded on ripping off public domain fairy tales, Broadway musicals and the aristocracy. Oh, good. Ours is a ripoff of the ancient Greek and Roman gods applied to the pro wrestling model, passively accepting that all religions are equally contrived.
Dope, dope. See? It's a perfect fit.
Disney characters are basically superheroes anyway. Those kids who fly around but never age. The prince who wanders around kissing passed out chicks but no one cares. Whatever Shrek is.
That's not us. Don't undermine me.
Are you okay with a more serious tone? Most of our best characters are orphans. Is that too dark for Disney? It's not going to be a problem. Very well. However, Marvel still has some concerns about how our characters will be implemented into Disney parks.
Can we trust our heroes be treated with dignity? If by dignity you mean standing around in a costume haranguing parents to spend 12 bucks on a snapshot for their kid with a sweaty adult stranger, then yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And, and we're going to build a ride called Spider-Man's Wacky Prom. No, this will not do it all.
Marvel heroes are aspirational figures, archetypes of the Ubermensch standing as icons for all that is good in the world. Oh, come off it. I drink Thor dark world energy drink out of a Deadpool cup while wearing Hulk hands right before this. You are failing to appreciate the unique creative genius of the broader Marvel world.
Okay. You will need to track and develop a vast array of relationships and character arcs and subtle turns. How do you feel about doing more musicals? I know, I know Spider-Man turn off the dark didn't go so great, but we have Lin-Manuel Miranda on retainer and I think he could do a nice rocket raccoon song. Oh yeah. Yeah. Musicals crossovers.
I mean, well Black Widow and Mickey Mouse, right off the top of my head. There's a match made in heaven, both totally undefined characters, monochromatic designs, scantily clad, both mice. Black Widow is a mouse, right?
That's her thing. No, no. Oh, sorry. She's pretty undefined in the movies. Absolutely not. Marvel heroes cannot live in the same universe as Donald Duck. I'm sorry. It doesn't make any sense.
It's a more grounded universe. Grounded? The guy with knives for fingers or the guy who uses a bow and arrow in the 21st century or the guy who's turned into a beast because he's rude to a witch.
That's Disney. See, huh? That's our point.
Can't even tell him apart. Goofy, Batman, what's the difference? Batman is not us.
Okay, don't go all spawn on us. We sent you a very thorough dossier in the future of the brand, remember that? And I am not signing anything unless you can guarantee those wishes will be granted. It is imperative that to the second story phase of the third Avengers arc that the post post post credit scene of the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie hints at but does not reveal that the infinity gem embedded in vision was captured and held by SHIELD for use in experiments on the winter soldier that you are clearly not listening to what I'm saying.
Okay, fine. Fine, man. Whatever convoluted thing you want, you've got it.
I promise. Got comic nerds. Thank you.
With such a strong vision, you guys must have themes you're really passionate about, huh? Oh no, it's mostly just sorting out who can punch in the face the best. Oh, and we're gonna want a black superhero at some point.
Um, let me see. Let me see.
No, we have something. Okay. Yeah, in about nine years. Still got a lot of white stories that need telling real bad. We be grudgingly accept. Great.
Okay. All right.
I knew it wasn't a sure thing, but you know, I kicked myself if I didn't ask. Limitless pill?
No. Shucks. Okay. Well, back to drawing board. Frankly, the only reason I took this meeting. It's okay. I assumed the Marvel representative would have access to the pill from the film Limitless. We got some people in front of people. Seems like a natural assumption. It's okay.
We could figure it out. What's ironic is if we were on the Limitless pill, we would have known that this wouldn't work out. The power prism. Do you realize what this means?
Not even remotely. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Refuses_To_Cover_The_Click_Bait_That_Is_The_Federal_Reserve_Chairman_Nomination_Process | The location of the country's latest mass shooting is revealed. Obama meets with America's schizophrenic voices to urge less bloodshed, and desperate Americans everywhere just try to get on board with senseless violence.
Buckle your seatbelts, put your computer away and never watch web videos while driving.
This is The Onion Week in Review. As news of the Federal Reserve Chairman nomination process continued to unfold this week, The Onion maintained its continued journalistic integrity by refusing to cover any part of the shameless clickbait involving the nation's banking system. Onion reporters spoke candidly about their decision, saying that readers visiting TheOnion.com will see no mention of eye-catching names like Janet Yellen or Lawrence Summers, and will never be lured into clicking on titillating articles about the history of the Federal Reserve Board.
According to a new report released this week by the Department of Transportation, the average American scoots over approximately 10 miles per year on park benches, baseball bleachers and picnic tables. The study, which also accounted for scooching, sliding over and moving on down, found that over the course of their lifetimes, most Americans ultimately scoot several times the length of the English Channel, the coastline of Uruguay, or the length of the Tigris River. Between the various types of communal seating, the typical American scoots nearly one mile each month, and if you count instances of scooting over, seeing the other person has already found a place, and then scooting back, many Americans travel much farther by scooting than they do by motor vehicle.
While out for drinks with coworkers this Wednesday, local shipping clerk Russell Chambliss told reporters he was extremely unsure if he was being bullied by his male colleagues or bonding with them. Chambliss said that while he was repeatedly demeaned and physically tormented by his male coworkers throughout the evening, they nonetheless did it in a collegial manner, leaving him ultimately unsure whether to feel insulted or honored.
I'm pretty sure that Bill called me limp dick earlier, and Todd keeps punching me in the shoulder. Pretty hard, too. I told Jeff about this problem that I was having with my girlfriend, and he called me a pussy and then walked away.
But then, like five minutes later, he came back with a beer that he had bought for me. What does that even mean?
And in local news, a grandmother is shown around the retirement home where she will die. In other news, a 250-pound man is sadly in the best shape of his life.
Grand Theft Auto 5 is a sophisticated gaming experience, according to a man who spent three hours running over homeless people with a fire truck, and it's unclear if this is the type of fountain you're allowed to run around in. What you have just witnessed may have shocked, startled, or disturbed you, but The Onion apologizes for nothing. For more fearless coverage, keep checking TheOnion.com.
Scoots over approximately 10 miles per year on park benches, baseball bleachers, and picnic tables. The study, which also accounted for scooching, sliding over, and moving on down, found that over the course of their lifetimes, most Americans ultimately scoot several times the length of the English Channel, the coastline of Uruguay, or the length of the Tigris River. In the various types of communal seating, the typical American scoots nearly one mile each month, and if you count instances of scooting over, seeing the other person has already found a place, and then scooting back, many Americans travel much farther by scooting than they do by motor vehicle.
While out for drinks with coworkers this Wednesday, local shipping clerk Russell Chambliss told reporters he was extremely unsure if he was being bullied by his male colleagues or bonding with them. Chambliss said that while he was repeatedly demeaned and physically tormented by his male coworkers throughout the evening, they nonetheless did it in a collegial manner, leaving him ultimately unsure whether to feel insulted or honored.
I'm pretty sure that Bill called me limp dick earlier, and Todd keeps punching me in the shoulder. Pretty hard, too. I told Jeff about this problem that I was having with my girlfriend, and he called me a pussy and then walked away.
But then, like five minutes later, he came back with a beer that he had bought for me.
What does that even mean? And in local news, a grandmother is shown around the retirement home where she will In other news, a 250-pound man is sadly in the best shape of his life. Grand Theft Auto V is a sophisticated gaming experience, according to a man who spent three hours running over homeless people with a fire truck, and it's unclear if this is the type of fountain you're allowed to run around in. What you have just witnessed may have shocked, startled, or disturbed you, but The Onion apologizes for nothing. For more fearless coverage, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | everyday_acting_faking_an_orgasm | Everyday acting, the theater workshop for real life situations. I am Virgil Honeycutt, actor, director, and as I'm legally required to tell you, Royal Shakespeare Company's sexual harassment policy violator. It may be called faking orgasm, but an actor does not fake.
There is truth in the world around you, and convert that world truth to face truth and vatina truth. Imagine you're a small child, alone and terrified on the arctic tundra, a pleasantly surprised tennis player, the world's tiniest, saddest ninja, a skipping iPod, a skipping iPod, a pot, old bathroom pipes, or one of those Halloween doormats where when you step on it, Theodore, share with us your most primal erotic truth. Yeah, oh yes, that felt nice, so good. Badly done, you're a human landfill. If you don't believe it, why should we? Because I do.
That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it? Yes. That was rhetorical also, right?
Okay. You don't understand, do you? No. Stop answering me, will you? Okay. Who do you think you are? Rebecca. Oh my goodness. Sorry.
You like that, don't you? Yes. You like that, don't you? Yes. You like that, don't you? Yes. You like that, don't you?
Pillow talk. These curtains have closed, but the show continues as you lie both with him and to him. You are amazing, honey, much better than Esteban, the Argentinian guy I met on my semester abroad. To walk the fine line between pleasure and pain, find your darkest memory.
For me, it's the time my mother whispered into my ear, mama ain't coming back no more, so you've got to be strong for mama, because it's a hard, hard world out there, and mama going to leave it. Mama going to leave it all behind.
Okay, I'll kill myself, goodbye. Goodbye. Okay. |
cracked | nightmare_alley_review_aka_how_to_geek_a_guy_in_10_days | And we're live. Oh, man, I really hope you guys can hear Jesse, but I I am not confident. Let's find out. So let's say that in the chat. Also, I just posted in the chat our Discord. If you want to go to our Discord and yell at us in a different way, please come hang out with us.
All right. Now I'm starting. Yeah, wait, stop telling people to yell at us. Life is hard. Don't yell at us. You like come in and tell Jordan what a great job he's doing all the time. Yeah, I mean, if you want to do that. I don't want to talk to him about me at all. Good, bad, anything. All right.
So welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which are like books, but better. I am your ratchet ringmaster, circuit is carny and gallant geek. Jordan breeding.
And I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse and Ali. Say hello. Hello. We have a little Skype window that is for where we record, which Jordan has named Nightmare Alley, but spelled like my name.
I know. I really like that. Yeah, you're welcome. Big surprise. Best part of my day. I am all about doing things that are clever here. So I'm going to say real quick that as we open this up, as we got about 100 people in here, if you have an observation, if you have a freaking title, alternate title, which that goes to you as well, Ali, if you've forgotten. I have one. OK, great. Feel free to throw them in the chat.
And I think Brian is in there somewhere and will be throwing them to me. But maybe not. I don't know if Brian's. I don't know if Brian's in here or not, but I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful.
I'm going to ask the chat. Can you hear Jesse? Because I'm worried that you can't.
For me, Jesse has like really intense nightmare alley type mood lighting. It's intentional, yeah. And it's always snowing out my one giant window.
Nobody can hear you, Jesse. Great. That's so Guillermo de Toro of you. All right. Nobody can hear him. No, I'm going to try this. So now talk. I'm worried. Quick, everybody roast Jesse. Jesse. All right. Don't roast me. I'm helpless. Ostensibly. Talk for a second. All right. Still going to keep on talking.
Has anybody else watched Nightmare Alley? What's going on in the chat? Do you guys like this movie? I'm worried that we're going to get a double. I don't know.
I'm going to pull up the chat so I can be a part. I can be the kind of a person. Well, it's cracking today. Oh, now you can. Stephen Guy says you can hear. Oh, yeah. Now they're hearing me.
Thank you, Benzer. Brooklyn broken glasses says it's all. Yeah, I fixed it. All right. I'm a freaking genius. All right, kids.
We're doing this podcast. If you got shit to say, say it in the chat. I swore, but I'm pretty sure we're past 30 seconds. Phew. Wasn't me to. So here's what we're doing.
We're talking about Nightmare Alley, which was nominated for best picture.
If I'm not mistaken, it did not win. And I'm very happy that it did not. But we will get into that. It didn't win anything. I don't think so at all. It won best.
However, Guillermo del Toro was just sending tweeting out pictures of him just being like, having fun. Love to cheer for my friends. Yeah, that's wonderful.
That made it hard for me to hate him because I really hated him for most of the movie because it was so long and nothing happened. I held it against him personally.
I love him. Speaking as the foremost and only fan of Pacific Rim in the entire nation. I love Guillermo del Toro, and I will always be there to defend my man.
But I think if you go to the Oscars and you know you're not going to win anything, it is fun to just sort of adopt an attitude of just like having fun. Happy to be here, having fun with my good friends.
Yeah, Matt Damon. Like, I think that is the way to do it. Yeah, when when this podcast inevitably gets sent to the Oscars, we will make sure to do to talk to all of our friends like Matt Damon. And yeah, somebody said we should mention Will Smith.
OK, you ready? What about him? Will Smith. Good, bad, and the right and the wrong. Let's do a hot take right off the top. Us or the chatter for me? For you. Oh, my God.
Well, first of all, I hope you all enjoyed watching the last ever live Oscars. I'm glad we were all there.
They will find some way next year to be like, you know, we just realized when we pre-taped this part and aired it an hour later, that it just was better. They're going to find some way to. Yeah, they're going to pretend that it has nothing. They're probably going to manufacture some sort of global pandemic. So everyone has to like record this stuff from home, from home and not have people in the same room. Yeah. No, I just like, you know, they recorded stuff ahead of time in the same place with the same people in the same dresses, but it was just like an hour before they did all the tech awards, which is insane for its own reason. But like, I think they're going to find a way to use that to justify doing that for the ceremony. Honestly, I think they're going to be like, yeah, it just went I just went like really well. And I think that if we adopted those those techniques for this broadcast, we're just going to see a tighter, better broadcast. So it's not live, but it's kind of live.
Like, I think that's what's going to happen next year. I think the exact opposite. I think I think I think the producer is going to be stoking beefs behind like they're going to be like, I'll give you 20 bucks if you go slap Guillermo del Toro for no reason, because it's going to be just full reality. I will come for them.
You know how many views this thing is going to get now that it was not going to get and and the Academy Awards can still be like, oh, well, we didn't want that to happen, obviously. But that they would get so many fewer views. You can't slap through the phone.
Contrary to what, uh, is that is that Drake or whatever? Looney Tunes. I can't remember who did that song.
Kiss you through the phone. Well, who did that? Well, I like that we had different things going on where like you were referencing a song, but Jesse was referencing a trope from Looney Tunes or somebody's fist comes through a landline. Right. And or every single Freddie movie at some point, the phone licks the girl. She'll like pick up the phone to call somebody and a tongue will come out. You know, that's love it.
Unless they can find didn't know that unless they can do that in next year's Oscars, they're going to do it live so that more people will punch more people is my thought. I mean, yeah, I mean, I definitely think that like from a producer standpoint, this is the best and worst thing that could ever happen to them. It's the best thing because ratings, but it's the worst thing because they do need to issue some sort of a statement about it, which they still haven't. OK, but all of they don't condone violence. Do you know what I'm saying? No, like at some point, they're going to have to say something. And I don't know if there's a right thing to say, which is kind of why when you were like hot take, I was like, there's no right thing to say. And there is really no like right thing to say. So I think the Oscars, the the committee or whatever it is, is sort of painted into a corner where they're like, I'm very glad that happened. I can't say I'm glad that happened. I don't think I have to say that that can't happen again, because if I don't say it can't happen again, people will do it more. But I wish they would do it more. Do you know what I'm saying? I think that you all are not aware of how the world works at this point, which is you do horrible things and then you apologize and then you succeed.
And it's just sort of that perpetuating cycle. It's why this is a separate example. But that's why IHOP changed its name to IHOB for a little while. I remember that with the burgers. Yeah, yeah.
They didn't really have burgers. Yeah, no, they did have burgers. But they it was a joke. They didn't really change the name. I know, but everybody got mad at them for doing it and their burgers sales went up 25 percent.
And this is a thing that will just continue to happen forever, which is I think we're going to get 20 percent more Smith children. Maybe. Yeah, maybe we're going to get a full on like family feud style. Like everyone has to take sides. Yeah, I mean, I think it was this was a thing that that Trump did. For better or worse, he would do something that was, you know, whatever people would get mad about.
And he would just stay in the news forever and ever. And it became like the best free advertising you could ever do.
And so I think the Academy Awards is is thrilled. Somebody is there. Yeah, no, somebody is thrilled. They just can't they can't act too thrilled.
Totally. Yeah. But like behind closed doors, they all were like popping champagne and oh, yeah, watching it all slow mo replay 100 percent. Yeah, yeah.
They were just like scooping cocaine into their mouth and they're like, we did it. We did it. Ladies and gents, we did it.
But but all of that is beside the point. We're just trying to stay topical. What we're here to talk about is something that the Academy Awards didn't talk about at all, not at all, which is now a nightmare. Our little del Toro punched Amy Schumer. And no one's talking about it.
Yeah, she died. God, that was such a messy.
The whole thing felt so sex. It felt kind of like going to see your roommates improv show. Like it had like that kind of energy to me, the whole ceremony.
I don't know. Yeah. Oh, I think we saw our last live Oscars. I did picture, you know, so I actually I don't know. I don't have a lot of opinions on how like Amy Schumer did and Wanda Sykes and all that. It's like basically fine.
But I was picturing during this Spider-Man segment, people being like, oh, I bet you'll like that, Jesse, because you like sketch comedy. And like I already was preemptively like defending like, I like good sketch comedy. I kept being like, these are skits. These are skits.
Yeah, right. Yeah. These are skits like it's. Yes, that's that's a great distinction. So again, I think overall, I was pretty happy with all that, the goofy stuff in between. But like I did not want to be accused of enjoying the Spider-Man skit. Honestly, the worst thing in the world to be accused of would be to be enjoying the Spider-Man skit. Yes. Yeah.
And we're talking about Nightmare Ali. You can't have Ali do a podcast the day after the Oscars and not talk about the Oscars. No, everybody yells at us because we never talk about the damn movie. So we're going to talk about I wish I had more to say.
I really honestly don't.
I thought that Billie Eilish kind of looked like a Elden Ring character when she was singing her Bond song. I sort of enjoyed I sort of enjoyed that. That's great. But did you enjoy Nightmare Ali?
Right. OK. Nightmare. Nightmare Ali is, in my opinion, a movie that happened around me. Yes. OK. It didn't really happen to me. Let's do it happened sort of in my general vicinity. Right. That makes sense. That's how I felt. It was very immersive. Sure. Yes. Yeah. I felt like I was there. Yeah. And I was cold. It was snow the whole time. Brrr. Yes.
Let's somebody just recap the movie for 99 percent of the people in this chat who obviously haven't seen it because why would you have? How about instead of a recap, I just give you my HBO Go password if you got two and a half hours. So why don't you go ahead and read out your social security number while you're at it?
Yeah, that'd be a nightmare.
All right. So let's see. Basic recap, unless somebody else is a really good one. All right.
We got a man who's far too handsome to be a carny is a carny because he's running from some past violence in his life. It turns out that that past violence is he killed his stepdad for kind of no reason, just didn't like him. It didn't really matter. But he becomes a carny to run from his right.
Faster, faster. We got to we got to do this faster than we've been doing them.
So he's getting he's starting to get really good at being carny. But then the cops come, they're about to shut it down because they find out about the geek who's this like just sickly old drunker that they're torturing. So the carny, the handsome carny uses carny techniques to save the carnival. And then he realizes, wow, in that moment, I graduated from carny school and he goes off and he makes his own little like Long Island medium sort of business where he goes in with his hot carny wife.
They grift a bunch of rich people fly too close to the sun. They start trying to grift some like uber rich folks and they try to basically start getting props involved and that's when it all goes to hell. They try and dress up the depth of any good sketches when you try and get too many props involved. I've always said that on the props, too many props.
They basically go from like reading minds to doing what they call spook shows, which is like getting their their their marks to believe that like the ghost of their dead little brother is right behind them. That's indicated to be a thing you don't want to get into. Sure enough, they get into that.
And that's their downfall. And it all crumbles and.
Amen. So so let's do this. That was an excellent recap. There are some people that are already being mad in the chat. So let's say the things that we did like before we get into. I think we're all in a general because they loved it.
Yeah, yeah, including I respect. Look, I respect that.
Again, I have to be honest, did not love this movie. Didn't hate this movie, but didn't feel any strong emotions about it kind of either way, to be entirely honest.
However, as a person who will die defending Pacific Rim. And I'm not saying like I could, but like I'm sure that I will die in some heated argument where I'm like, Pacific Rim was actually really great and really fun and you're stupid for not understanding that. I want to say that I am. I will be on the side of the people who are like, no, you're stupid. And I will accept that. Maybe I am stupid.
Just this it was really pretty to look at. There were a lot of people acting in it. They were acting like they were doing a good job, like good actors, Cate Blanchett. Have you ever seen her be bad in something?
No. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like there's no such thing as like these A-list actors were really stinking it up. Like they were doing a good job.
It just there were a lot of times in the movie where something was presented to me as potentially a twist. And I couldn't tell if I was meant to be surprised at it as a twist or not. And so I didn't like I kind of want I did not feel the way I'm going to really when a movie unfolds a really truly excellent twist. I don't feel like it did that. But I think it was kind of tiptoeing around it to be like, it's OK if you knew this was going to happen. But for those who didn't, surprise.
And I don't like that. I would rather you sort of like take a hard line.
Like, for example, in the the summary you just gave, it's he's like he kills his stepfather and it's like kind of clear in the beginning of the movie that he did that, even though he doesn't like say it outright. But it's like you can tell from the acting and the script that that is what happened. And so then when Tony Collette's husband dies mysteriously after having a run in with Bradley Cooper's character and everyone's like, he died. He died. And then it's like supposed to be a twist later in the movie that Bradley Cooper was responsible for it.
I was like, oh, I was. Oh, that was a surprise. Oh, yeah, I thought you told I thought you told me that. Like, I thought we explicitly told me that that was true.
It's like a unique it's like it's like a unique there was a lot of just the most obvious checkups guns that I've ever seen in my life. One of them being literally a gun. But it's like, it's like they're giving out checkups guns to everyone in the crowd.
Like, you don't have to just pick up on the one happening in the show. It's like they serve it to you on the silver platter. Yeah.
They're like, this whiskey is poisonous, but this whiskey is regular whiskey. Hope nobody confuses them. Yeah, or be like a character outright being like, you know what's easy to poison? Whiskey, because you can't see the poison in it. And then later in the movie, somebody dies because whiskey, there was poison in their whiskey.
And then you're supposed to be like, holy. What? I didn't expect it. Cause only earlier you had told me that you've done it before.
Yeah. And look, all of this is- And you're like, see planchette too. I was just saying, all of this is forgivable.
It was a fun, like it was a cool like little world that they built, but it was too long. My man, we don't need, we didn't need two and a half hours. As soon as I saw it was two and a half hours. Guillermo, you lost me. So- You're really anti-long movie at this moment.
Yeah, I certainly am. Unless it warrants it like Titanic. Oh, that's where you're gonna take your stand. Interesting.
The last good movie ever made was Titanic. It was the last double VHS.
So I will say that it's very similar to, I'm gonna make a random comparison. It's very similar to the last season of Game of Thrones for me, which is to say, I didn't have any problems with any of the plot points or any of the things that happened or anything that the characters chose necessarily. I actually think they just felt too rushed and not explained. For a movie, that's as long as it is.
For example, like one of the main things that happens is he spends, what, 75% of the movie, Bradley Cooper's character saying, I don't drink. I'm proud that I don't drink. My stepdad used to drink, he really sucked. You know, I hate that guy, I don't drink.
It messes you up. And then at some point he gets a little success and he goes, you know what? I feel like I'm just gonna start drinking. And it's- I'm gonna be bad.
It's a little bit like, but what has really changed in your life? Like you have a little bit more money. And that's the other thing is, I don't have a problem with somebody having grown up poor and they needed, they just like feel like money is the thing that they can't get enough of because they want that security. But that's never really what it is. He's just like, hey, what if I had more money? And you're like, yeah, I mean, you could, I guess.
You know, there's just, there's not a lot of dimension to the choices that he makes. I don't necessarily have a problem with the choices that he makes. It's just that they're never really fully explored in any interesting way. He's just kind of like, I've chosen you, only hot woman in the carnival to be in love with because you are that and we're gonna run away because I could make more money maybe because I could tell that this cop had a bad foot. And I don't know, it just kind of felt like things just kept happening. But you didn't really feel like there was a big reason behind anything?
It's one of those things where like, I know that this was based on a book and then also there was a version of this movie that was in black and white in the 40s, which was like very heavy handedly in the genre of noir film. And I think that this was sort of like a modern take on the noir film, which I respect. And I do think that like there are certainly points where like visually that couldn't have been nailed harder. So like, it's not like a swing and a miss, but it's one of those things where like certain things are acceptable in certain genres when they're like really heavily in said genre. Like for example, like, you know, when you're watching like a great cowboy movie, Western, and there's like two sheriffs who hate each other, no one ever really goes way deep into the like, oh, he's the outlaw and he's the sheriff or he's the new guy and he's the old guy. We have to really get into psychologically what's going on here. That is not what happens in the genre. You sort of are supposed to, because you've accepted what you come to the movie for, bad guy, good guy, agree?
And everybody goes, I agree.
And nobody goes, well, I didn't get a backstory for the bad guy. They're like, he's a bad guy. Who fucking cares? He's a bad guy, right?
And so like, I think in noir, when it's like the mysterious older woman, the sweet carnival lady who you run away with, the money hungry young upstart who was never given validation in his life. Like, I think these archetypes exist and like thrive. But then when you're like, oh, it's a noir, but also it's a psychological thriller, but also it's a contemporary drama with lots of backstory. Then those little things start to sort of fall through the holes in the grate.
Cause you're like, but you introduced him to me as a complex psychological character, but you're not treating him like that. Cause you don't tell me why he feels that way. He just kind of wants more money.
Do you know what I mean? Okay. I feel like I just talked for a while. That was like my overall feeling of the movie. And I think that's accurate. I sort of get the impression too, that they just keep introducing characters that seem like they're going to matter or have something to do with something or even problems for that matter.
By the way, yeah, a hand job in a bathtub. That happened so fast. Well, where's it going to go? This is going to be in the bathtub. Yeah, it was going to be floating around.
I don't think it had a drain. You don't think the bathtub had a drain? No, it was like a wash basin or whatever. This is a portable carny tub.
That's going to be, the husband's going to come back in. Before he got in, she also just like very briefly wiped it with a towel, which like, yeah, it's like a, what's that kind of pan that you're not supposed to wash? So all the flavors stay in it. Yeah, like a cast iron skillet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad that that's what you were thinking about though for the rest of the movie. I was like, her husband's going to come back and see all this floating jizz in this bathtub and be like, what happened?
He'd be like, well, he was great with the soap. I don't know, he was very thorough. Yeah, I guess like he was established as being a very smart guy, like a person who could like read people's tells. One, because he had this book full of instruction, which made him better at it, but also because he clearly like was sort of born with the gift of perception, let's say.
Because he was sad, as they alluded to. Sad people are better at it.
But there are people in the world who are just like very good at being perceptive and like read people's tells better than others. That exists. And so it was also kind of weird to me that like for a person who was so good at it, he like was so bad at dealing with Cate Blanchett. Do you know what I mean? Cause like, I know that she's supposed to be the like the spider in the web and she manipulates from behind the scenes.
But even the fact that she was like, he was like, I don't drink. And she was like, we'll see about that. Yeah. He should be like, no. When a person says stuff like that, they probably don't want the best for me. Well, and so.
I'm trying to do something to me. I'm out.
There's actually a really interesting thing. So apparently in the original movie that you alluded to, which I was just reading some reviews and stuff. And I think it's generally accepted that that one was better at a lot of different things. Obviously wasn't as pretty and wasn't as certain things, but the motivations for characters were a little clearer. Apparently the whole deal is that psychiatry in 1947, which is when the movie came out or 1946, which is when the novel that all this was based on was written was seen and not ironically, this is just people generally saw it as about as valuable or worthwhile or whatever, as legit, I suppose, as a dude, as a mentalist, as somebody who can talk to dead people or can read people or whatever. And so the illusion or the metaphor being established is that psychiatry is just as much of a hustle, basically, as a mentalist guy. So he's getting played in the exact same game that he's playing, but it's dressed up as science a little bit. So he doesn't see it as clearly.
But because this movie is coming out now and they don't really do anything to say, hey, by the way, this is how psychiatry works, there's no reason, there's not really at any point where I realized, oh, she's like a bad person because of her profession other than, I guess, generally, she's giving up secrets on people, which I guess is kind of shitty, but it is interesting. She never seems to want the money. And so it's just, it's hard to understand what she's going for, although at the end, I do appreciate that she's like, this was all because you were mean to me, which I think is kind of a funny, where like some guy is able to read her and she's like, I'm gonna spend the next hour ruining your whole life because- Yeah, I'm gonna absolutely ruin you and your wife and everything about you. You're gonna have to go be a geek in a circus. And also though, my rich clients, I don't know why she's willing to give up her rich clients so that they die. It's just a very odd, like why is she, she's losing two huge sources of income potentially. Yeah, something that I didn't know if the movie you tried to answer and I missed it or if it just didn't have an answer for it all was, was she aware that at some point, he came back and stole files from her? Because basically she goes, I couldn't possibly give you that information.
It's top secret. And if it ever got out that I said that, I would have no more clients for the rest of my life. And Bradley Cooper goes, that makes sense.
So he comes back in the middle of the night and takes like an imprint of her key and then like makes a key and then steals her stuff. And I was like, she's very smart and she's a master manipulator. Did she know he did that? And this was just sort of her plausible deniability of just like, how could I have possibly known? He obviously stole it from me. Or was she stupid? And he just stole from her.
It was just one of those things that like, I don't think the movie answered and I was like anticipating an answer for that. And so I was very distracted when it never came back up again. Well, they just didn't have time to answer all those questions. They got to keep it tight. I think it should have been 15 minutes longer. Yeah. I want answers to all my questions. I say 30 minutes longer, why not?
We should end with a sequence where they do fake bloopers like in Pixar movies. That would have been very delightful. I will say that I do think the last 30 minutes is the best part. Cause that's when things actually start happening.
It felt very much like, I don't know if either of you have read Needful Things by Stephen King, but the basic gist is everybody in this town, a store pops up. And of course it's run by Satan, but they don't know that. And the one thing that they want in life is there. And then in order to get it, they have to pull a prank on somebody and it seems small.
But of course it spirals out of control. And by the end of the movie, the whole town is killing each other and everybody's getting destroyed. And to me, it felt like a lot of that thing where it's like, they're helped in their thing for a while. And then it turns out that it's bad. So like the family is able to come to terms with the death of their son, but it leads to a murder, suicide or whatever.
But I wish there had been more of that too, because that's the only bad thing that really comes of his mentalism thing. I mean, he pushes it too far. And that's actually sort of an adjacent point, which is, was he raping women or something?
The rich guy at the end? Bradley Cooper? No. No, the rich man with the huge mansion.
He was hurting women, but- I think he, so he at least forced one woman to have an abortion which killed her. And so maybe he was doing other stuff like that. Gotcha. Yeah, he sort of was like, I've just done terrible things. I've done terrible things. But then he also sort of was like, all those women. And so my brain went to, he was killing women to feel alive.
I don't know. What are reasons why men kill women? I'm not aware.
I mean, I got a few, but- I got the sense that he was like a miserable man who was like out there killing sort of like impoverished women who would never be tracked down because he was so messed up about this other thing that happened to him with, oh, what was his wife's name? It was a very old fashioned name that I kept thinking kind of distracted me. It was like, Polly, what was her name? Yeah, I don't remember.
Which woman? I mean- Oh, his wife or whatever? Yeah. Yeah, his wife. The woman that died that the hot carny girl dressed up as? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like- It doesn't matter. Mara or something, yeah.
It was her last name. It was Rooney Mara's last name was the name.
Twist. Well, I guess what I was gonna say about that though is it almost feels like, oh, so maybe that's a good thing that that guy gets his nose bashed in. I think- Yeah, he got his nose punched off.
I guess I don't need there to be clear cut morality, but I just felt like it kept- I just didn't- There's nobody that I really cared whether they lived or died or anything because it just felt like, and maybe this is the point, like in a noir, everybody's bad. But it just, it got all so mixed up. I was like, I don't really care that Rooney is sad. I mean, I guess I don't like when people are sad, but like just in general, it just kinda happened. Like you were saying, just people had things happen to them. And I was like, I don't really care that much, but- There definitely wasn't enough psychological complexity behind any of the character for me to like really intensely feel about any of them. Which again, if it's just like straight up a noir film, I'm not entirely sure that that is like a hallmark of the genre.
And like a lot of times it is just like the young wife who's like, please find my husband. I can't believe he's gone missing and he wouldn't have done it. I swear, the cops think it's fine, but I know that he's never left a glass out on the vanity.
That woman exists in the movie. And you don't really ever get in her head, but this movie kind of was like, no, no, no, it is noir, but it's also, we'll know everybody. And so like when she was just like, I'm sad and you ignore me.
And I don't like it anymore. I was like, that's reasonable. I'm angry, I'm going to a public men's room. I was like, you should go home. That makes sense to me too.
But like, I don't feel anything about her because I'm not really like, I don't really know her. She's just like a coworker. Right. She's like a coworker I work with, but she's not like, I don't know. Well, there's even like Bradley Cooper accused her of being a character with more depth. And she was like, no, no, I'm not.
I'm fine here. I, not to spoil a movie that you both might watch some day or not, but like in power of the dog, the Kirsten Dunst character is being driven to alcoholism. Word. By her like isolation and her misery. Essentially, I'm really, really oversimplifying this, but essentially I'm trying not to give too much information, but that is what's happening. And I'm not trying to say that like the correct answer would be to have Rooney Mara be driven to alcoholism. Alcoholism. But like, I never saw her sort of getting pushed to the brink and I never felt scared for her and her choices because of, because I never saw her having to make them.
She was just sort of like, stop doing this. I really want you to stop.
And then he was like, one last one. And she was like, fine, but I better not get killed. I was like, fair feedback.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. She didn't have anything that was like on the brink or gonna get lost if she didn't escape. I don't know. Yeah, and I think just similarly, Bradley Cooper, you don't really get any sense of his end game. Even when he's like, this is one last job. You don't have a sense of how much money it even is. Like, he doesn't say if we do this, we'll be set up for life. And even then, what would we do with our life? I don't know. I guess it's just like, I don't know what you're going for other than to be in control of things, which I get. I mean, that's appealing, I suppose in some way, but.
They did cover the money thing because he asked, is this guy rich? And then she's like, yeah, very rich. Yeah, and it was when he hands him a envelope full of money and you never see how much money it is, but it's just like a lot of $100 bills. And you're like, that's a lot, $100 bills. And he's like, I'll spend, I'm willing to spend up to $10,000 per session. Yeah, I mean, I get that it's a lot of money. I get that it is a lot of money, but it's not like he's gonna open his own carnival. I just don't know what he's doing anything for. He just is like, it's better to have more money than less money.
Thusly, I will do this. And I'm also not gonna tell my wife girlfriend about it until at the end, when I 100% need her to go balls out in the craziest thing.
Yeah, for his character, and it's something that like Kate Blanchett, I think her character's name was Lilith, which is very on the nose also about like bad women. We're called Lilith. So she, I think at one point she's like, you didn't get any attention and you didn't get any love. So like you really crave people's not only feedback, but like you need to be their savior essentially.
And that like part of the mentalist thing isn't just, wow, what a good showman. Otherwise he'd just do like fun little magic tricks. But it's also that people look at him as being like better than or touched in some way. And that's sort of like filling the daddy didn't love me hole in the heart. Do you know what I mean? That not only is he the strong man, we look how cool I am at doing circus tricks, but also that people will like look at him and be like, you have a gift, you are special. I admire and cannot be you. And that that feeds a part of him in an ego sense, which doesn't make sense with him needing more money. Do you know what I'm saying? Psychologically in terms of like the character we've set up, unless we had set up that like he was trying to launch this nationwide show where everyone will know he's the best mentalist in the world. He just kind of needed more money.
And I guess they didn't live in like that nice of an apartment, but no one was ever like sad about it. They just kind of lived there.
Yeah, I agree with that. He was just the most protagonist possible. It's like when restaurants have like a food challenge where they're like eat this giant hamburger. The crazy thing is it's really, really big. It's kind of the same with Bradley Cooper is just like, wow, look at all the motivations he has. He has daddy issues, he wants money. Yeah, there's sex. Yeah, at least when you eat a giant burger, they give you like a t-shirt or something that says, I survived the giant burger at Rita's roadside restaurant or whatever. Right.
Yeah, I mean, I definitely enjoyed the first third. Like once they were, I liked the carnival part and I liked everybody getting their noses bashed in.
But it definitely was that middle part for me is where everything kind of slowed down where I just didn't really understand why anybody was doing anything. Or like you were saying, Ali, there was a lot of those like half-assed reveals or whatever where it's like, I also didn't understand what a spook show was until like the end of the movie. And they're like, that's why you don't do spook shows.
And I was like, oh, that's what you were talking about. I didn't understand. There was definitely like, that's why you always leave a note tone in the movie by the end. Yeah, it was, yeah. And I will say too, I am surprised that he agreed to become a geek knowing fully how the whole thing worked rather than just like playing somebody at some point, again, like. I think that was like his giving over to being an alcoholic derelict. I know, but it was so fast. I don't know.
Yeah. His performance in that moment was excellent. Yes. That was like some of his best acting. And I was kind of disappointed that it happened then and I was like, oh, I wish I'd seen more of that because that was really good. Sure, yeah. He was just a very good actor.
That's like the thing is that like, I think a lot of these movies will just be good by the virtue of the fact that when you are Guillermo Di Toro, you can be like, I want this guy for my movie. And they go, sure. And so you just like have this roster of amazing actors with like a great cinematographer and a lot of money. And so movies will never be like out and out repulsively bad. But then sometimes things like this happen where it's like not bad, but I can't necessarily say I would tell people they have to go watch this movie ASAP. Right. Or that it would necessarily be the best picture other than that it has a bunch of high-end elements like you're saying, like, wow, it looks great. It's acted well that fulfills enough technical criteria as opposed to something I filmed in my garage doesn't look good and I'm in it.
And so they're like, well, that doesn't qualify.
But it's got a heart. Yeah. Yeah, but not a lot of charisma and moshy kids. Yeah.
You can do this professionally, baby. We got to get you out to New York. We got to get you into the movies, the pictures.
Well, speaking of things that Jordan shot in his garage, I will say this is the type of dumb movie that Bruce Willis should have a cameo in. He deserves to be in stuff like this, not everything he did last year.
Speaking of cameos, isn't it every person's dream to be loved the way that Guillermo del Toro loves Ron Perlman? That should be a hallmark card that they make every Valentine's Day. I love you as much as Guillermo del Toro loves Ron Perlman. If there is not a part for you in my movie, baby, I'll write a part for you in my movie and you will get some good lines. That's love.
Yeah, it's like she didn't need a surrogate father to smack Bradley Cooper. And even if she did, Willem Dafoe could have been that or anybody else could have been.
They're just like, hey, Ron Perlman's here. Do you want to put him in? He's like, yeah, make him her kind of dad who doesn't really care. It doesn't matter. He didn't have to be in there. It just, he just loves him. And he's like, I don't actually think we're going to be making a, you know, like that like trope of somebody who's like, I, you know, you better hope that my daddy, the head of Chase Bank doesn't hear about this. Like, that's how I feel Ron Perlman is where he's like, you better hope that Guillermo doesn't hear about this. No part for me in the film. And he's like, comes in to fix it for me. Right.
Hey, can you play a strong man, but don't work out at all in preparation. I want just full old man body. I like old man body.
I believe that those men are strong. Yeah. Well, they're like, they're carney strong. They're hopped up on alcohol. They're like scary surprise strong, which is kind of fun. And his best friend is a dwarf, naturally.
For the fun. For the fun of it. It's really a delightful little.
I thought that role was played well because, because like he is, he's literally a sideshow. There could be nothing more demeaning for a little person to play, but he commanded respect in his performance and in the lines too. Or at one point where he tells Bradley Cooper, don't bend down to talk to me. Oh yeah. I liked that. That was like very, that just spoke volumes about him as a character, I think.
Can I say something else? I didn't totally understand about the movie. And you can tell me if I'm stupid. I got, I had the impression that the electric act that was done by Rooney Mara was fake, much like all the other things in the carnival. For example, when Tony Collette was reading people's minds because they had collected the cards and she was seeing her husband hold up the answers in a mirror. So when later in the movie, she was like, can I give you a metaphor?
When that electric current was going through my body, sometimes it was so much pain, I could hardly stand it, but I did stand it for you, which is why I'm leaving you. And I was like, it hurt? It hurt?
Am I dumb? No, I think it's like DC current, right? I think that's, or no, that's the one that kills you even better. No, it's just, it's a different type of trick.
It's the girdle or whatever she's wearing dilutes it enough that it doesn't kill her. But yeah, she's being actually electrocuted. It's just- It is hurting her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think- I was like, this is all fake. And so then when she was like, it's actually real. Yeah. Well, that's the thing, right? Is I think some of the tricks are more real than others to kind of keep it all going.
Obviously the geek dude is not half monster, but he is fully eating that chicken or whatever. Oh, I was gonna say terrible acting on that chickens part, by the way. Yeah, they couldn't have found a better chicken. Bitten into and blood spurts out, doesn't even blink. Yeah, it doesn't bock its final words. I don't even think that was a real chicken. Movies are so soft these days. It was a real chicken the way you like pretend to like bite your dog or something like that. You just go nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. That's what it felt like to me. I learned from a recent interview with Robert Pattinson that when this is completely unrelated, that when chickens get really, really afraid, sometimes they just fall asleep because they're like nervous systems which are not particularly advanced.
Just kind of go, we can't deal with this. And they just sort of shut down.
That's like goats, right? That's why there's all those videos of goats flipping out and just passing out. Fainting goats.
I feel like that sometimes. There are a lot of times where I'll just be like, I wish I was asleep, so I get it. I also feel that way, not necessarily in fear, but. Or stress, we're just like. Yeah, I get that, yeah, when I'm stressed. It's when I'm stressed and I go get a cup of coffee and it makes me get more tired. That's how I relate to chickens.
Also, are we sure this is scientifically accurate? It's interesting that it came up in a Robert Pattinson interview. A guy who. I know that he makes stuff up. He really likes. It seemed like he was really enjoying his story which seems to be a tentpole of him being a real person as opposed to a fake person. Do you know what I mean? I think when it seems like he's not having any fun, you can assume he's lying. But I think if he's enjoying a fact or a person's company or seems to be having his, he's like an impish energy that people don't know about. Do you know what I mean? I think when he's being a little scamp, he's being truthful. I'll write that down somewhere so that I'm. I love that. I'm more attuned to what's actually being said in his interviews, the truth, the veracity of it.
Well, because he famously will be like, how is your trip here? And he'll be like, that's such a boring question. And he'll be like, oh my God, I'm gonna wait here. I died because as like a response to such a boring question.
Yeah, yeah. Cool. So any final thoughts on Nightmare Alley before we go to questions from the gallery? The gallery. Yes, no. So let's go. Yeah, let's go to them. I'm gonna look and see if I have notes while you do that.
I don't think so. Jeffrey Luciana wants to know, was there a kissing booth in the movie? I don't think so. I don't think there was.
It was like, will he kiss you? Will he bite your face off? No. There's no kissing, but you could feed the geek a cigarette if you were.
Was that really one of them? A friendly Cooper. Oh. Well, I mean, he like knocks on his cage one day and gives him a drag of a cigarette. That was really nice. And then he beats to death the other one with a brick. Oh, that is something I would. Yeah, well, that was it.
He like, he hits him twice in like a pretty weak punch. And there's already a guy yelling, stop it, you're gonna kill him. I mean, he is probably, I guess it's to show that he can punch your nose whole ass into your head if he wants to. Yeah, yeah. As he may do later, yeah. That was another one of those things where it was like, all right, this is so like memorable for some stupid reason that him punching a guy is gonna come back.
Amen. All right, Stephen Frank says, movies are too long now. Yep. Jesse, you want to speak on it?
Thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that.
Stephen Guy says, the Oscars should become the WWE. And I, you know, might as well. That way people will get hurt less because it won't be actual people mad about their wives slapping you as hard as they can. It'll just be. It would be fun though, if like when Jessica Chastate wins Best Actress, like Olivia Colman stands up from the audience and is like, not on my watch. And then they fight. That would be really fun. Like, I would like that.
It's just like all those really nice outfits getting torn like down to leotards. Yeah, like really nice, slightly older actresses who like have great reputations for being a joy to work with, but like, just have like a fun WWE moment.
I can't disagree with that. We agree with you, Stephen Guy. B.R.K.N. says, Gont is the best antagonist in Stephen King's universe, which I assume is needful things, but I haven't read in a while. So, yep. Gont is Satan in that. You were like, here's a reference. I'm not gonna back it up, but I'll bring it up. Connor Ritt says that it's left open to imagination, which I think is better than spood-feeding TBH.
And it's a noir. Morality is mixed. Good do bad and bad do good.
I, why film noir all the time? Why not film Blanc?
Do I get your joke? I don't.
Blanc is white. Oh, Blanc.
I think you said bunk. I thought you said bunk. Yeah. You're French. Oh, I didn't. I don't think I get it. Your friend said something significantly funnier. You're terrible.
You're right. You're so right.
I mean, I agree in general, it wasn't that the morality was like, good people were doing bad things, bad people were doing good things. I didn't know why anybody was doing anything is the issue that I was having. It's like, I'm not opposed to you beating a man to death. I mean, that's fine. Like we've all done it.
The question is, I wasn't even fully aware. Is he a rapist? In which case it makes it a little more, there's a little more weight to him punching his nose out. Or is Bradley Cooper just like murdering a guy who is otherwise kind of benign. And I just like wasn't a hundred percent sure. And I don't think that it's unfair to say that if I had that a little more clear, I would have a better, the morality would feel more mixed up where I'm like, well, I don't think you should beat people to death regardless. But I at least have a better sense of why Bradley Cooper is doing it rather than I think even Bradley Cooper was like punching him to death. And he's like, should I be doing this? How much did you hurt those girls? Like, should I pull back? I'm a little confused. Should I not be punching his dick to death?
Right, yeah. Yeah, I definitely think like my perspective on it is a little bit of what we said of just like, I understand that this is born of the noir genre and that like, that is the lens with which through to see the movie. But it did feel like they were like, well, to adapt it from it not being a film of the 1940s, let's try and get a little more psychologically in depth and precise and get to know these characters more. But I think it just didn't go far enough in that direction. And so it feels like a noir with some character sketches as opposed to like a fully realized psychological dark thriller that is in the style of the noir film. Sure, yeah, I'd agree.
Brian, presumably, our chat person asks- Presumably. In terms of- There's an imposter here. There couldn't possibly be another Brian.
In terms of recent long, I think only you can answer this, Allie, but in terms of recent long meandering movies, Rank Nightmare Alley, Licorice Pizza, and The Batman. I haven't seen Pizza, so. I mean, they're like, they could not all be more different of a movie. And the answer is? I don't know.
Rank them from long to longest. There's been a lot of long movies. The power of the dog was long also. Sure, throw that in there. Not long. Movies are long.
This is crack.com, we do lists. Rank them.
Just go subjectively, how did you feel? How was your theater going experience?
I think I liked this the least, sorry. Sorry to my guy Guillermo. I think after that- I would do his voice, but I have no idea what he sounds like. I forgive you, I. No, he'll be like, I love monsters. I forgive.
Oh, that's the best I got. Oh, does he have? See, we'll talk about how much he loves monsters. He has an accent? Yes. Oh, okay. And he's got a very quiet, very gentle voice. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Is that fun? Oh, June if we're counting long movies. Okay, we're adding that to the mix.
So for me right now, it's going, this is at the bottom, sorry. Then I've got the Batman, sorry.
Had fun, but it was really long. Then right in the middle, I'm gonna put a licorice pizza, which was enjoyable and was very long and meandering, but it was very much so on purpose. And the meandering sort of felt like a fuck you to people who were trying to find structure and purpose within the movie, which was- Sounds like I'm not gonna like this movie. Well, I liked it because I found myself going, well, as a person who watches movies, this should be the act to twist.
And then this character is gonna serve this purpose. And every single time I had that thought, I was always extremely wrong immediately. That character disappeared and never came back or the plot went a different way.
And so I kind of liked somebody going, hey, can you just shut up a little bit and watch the movie? I found that sort of fun to be told in my own trying to watch the movie that I just shut up and enjoy it a little bit more. So that I actually did enjoy despite it being very long and meandering. Then I'm gonna put Power of the Dog, which was really fun, but very slow. However, it has some of my favorite actors in the world, Jesse Plemons, he's my man.
And then on the top is Dune, Dune I loved. Dune just, no notes for Dune, loved Dune.
And I'm just gonna say that X is a movie you should watch because it's very short and people die. And it's- Those are Jesse's favorite things.
And make sure there's at least one very weak woman. Oh, do not like the strong women.
Yeah. There is. And don't have any blonde women with their boobs out. Please, no. Well, X is, sorry. That one's gone.
Connor says, well, come on guys. It's based off a novel and like an Icarus flying too close to the sun type of movie. I mean- Don't disagree. Shut up Connor. Connor is right.
Yeah, it is that structure. I just sometimes they tell us why Icarus is doing things a little bit more. That's all. Yeah, yeah. Because he just wants to fuck the sun so bad. Right, if I remember- Did I read this wrong? Yeah.
And yeah, his pain burns up on re-entry. His wax dick. He tried to cover it in feathers, but alas. Alas.
Brynn Kelly wants to know, first, OMG Love the Bruces video, which I did too. So go watch that. We made a video about all the movies that Bruce Willis made last year. And some people are mad because Bruce Willis might have dementia, but he's still in the movies and they're still bad.
And I don't feel like we were... Also, we didn't know, but it doesn't- Also, he was not in any way, shape or form the worst part of any of those movies. No, not at all. Not even close. He wasn't great. He was actually a shining little star in all of them.
Yeah, so I don't know why somebody just slacked me. Oh my God, I'm getting slacks. Go away.
And then the other, the actual question from Brynn is, was the ending satisfying? And I will just say, it is in a general, if you kind of divorce it from the viewing experience and think about it more conceptually, I think it's great. I mean, it's very cyclical. It's very, as Connor was saying, it's an Icarus tale. It's very clear cut.
These are the things I wouldn't do. Then I started to do them and it brought about my downfall.
I don't think it's satisfying only because the movie wasn't overly satisfying to me to watch. I just didn't feel the peaks and valleys.
I liked it conceptually. This is also like Game of Thrones season eight for me, which is like, if I'm thinking about it, I'm totally fine with all the developments. But in the moment to moment watching, I'm like, well, that just happened out of freaking nowhere. That was a little bit too aggressive. And so that's my thought. What are you guys saying?
There is definitely some really good acting at the end of the movie. Like a lot of the through lines that come to their climax are well performed. Totally. So in some ways that was really satisfying. As much as I wasn't surprised that Cate Blanchett was a bad lady, I do like her performance. And so like, it was kind of fun to watch her have her little villain twist just because it's fun to watch her act.
Although there was a part where she was like police. And then literally the police were like pow. And they kicked in the door. And I was like, were they there? And it was like the fastest the police have ever responded to anything and will ever respond to anything. Shocking. I do think, wasn't it security? Or I thought it might've been her security and or cops, but like. I mean, like it zoomed out to like cop cars, coming down the street.
Oh, you're right. Guys with guns. I don't know. Yeah, there were a lot of things like that. Jesse. Yeah, I like, I actually really enjoyed the ending. And I wish there was more of that.
I love Bradley Cooper when he's playing this like Oscar, the grouch like piston little guy. He was really, yeah, he was, he plays a really great like pathetic loser.
I thought it was a little bit kind of heavy handed when it was like, he put like, you see that the twinkle in the in the carney man, the carney bosses eye when he pours in the shot and you're like, yeah, I remember the last time a carney boss said like, this shot's gonna have opium in it. And this is doing him is a Guillermo wanted us to bring it back to blues clues. Wanted us to be like yelling at the screen like, don't do it. There's opium in there.
It's like, yeah, I know. I knew this is gonna happen.
But it was interesting. Like somebody, somebody said, and I agree, it's a little bit predictable, but it was a little bit complex too, because it's not like Bradley Cooper had like spent the earlier part of the movie, like beating the shit out of the geeks. He was always nice to the geeks. And now you're thinking like, oh, I hope he meets a guy that's nice to him and, you know, lets him have a drag of a cigarette. Well, other than the geek that he literally beats the shit out of. Yeah, that's true. But he tried, but he tried to be nice to that one. But then, oh, yeah, but he was being nice to him before the geek brained him with a rock. Yeah, and I've always said, you should kill those who aren't immediately receptive to your kindness. Uh-huh.
So you're like, hey, can I offer you a cigarette? They're like, I'm so sorry, I don't smoke. I never smoke.
I was actually very disappointed that Chris Rock didn't immediately just shoot Will Smith into the sun like Icarus. Like Icarus himself, we brought it all back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that he would melt like wax.
So final thought, should we watch this movie? I say, if you got nothing else to do, sure. But there's a lot of movies in the world, and I don't know that there's any particular reason. And in fact, there are several like, if you want good Bradley Cooper acting long movies, I think The Place Beyond the Pines is one of the best long several acts movies where Bradley Cooper also plays a very complicated character, but he's not so easily swayed by opium in your shot class. Thoughts? Yeah, I mean, it was free, insofar as I already pay for HBO Max, but I did not spend any extra money to see this movie. So I think if you can watch this movie for no extra money, nothing bad will happen to you.
I'm not sure you're gonna be like, I'm so glad. I'm so glad I did that. But you're definitely not gonna be like, I can't believe I wasted my time on that. Yeah, for sure. Jesse.
Yeah, the carny world building was fun. It was kind of nice to be in that atmosphere of the carnival. They did do, I won't say they did great, but they did a lot of carny vernacular. And you could tell the actors had fun saying stuff like, I don't know, like a straight tooth oaky or something like that, I think was one of them. Like, there were some funny words. Yeah, the carny details are cool.
Yeah, I think they could have made it like, it could have been like a war. I mean, I realized it's based on a certain source material, but I think something like the Prestige but with carny dudes would have been really interesting, like competing, like if there was another, and I, K Blanchard essentially becomes that, right? She's a separate mentalist type reads people person and they're having sort of a battle. But Bradley Cooper doesn't know that they're fighting until the last three minutes. He's like, oh my God, if we were in competition, shit. So I do think they could have, I could see Christian Bale and freaking Hugh Jackman being like, I'm the greatest carny. And then they're, you know, they're going at each other.
And I actually had to do Hugh Jackman's accent for a video about the Prestige not that long ago. So I have it a little bit in me. I love it. I love the Prestige. The Prestige is a movie that I can watch at all times.
Okay, we're gonna do alternate titles. We got some in here, but let's do ours first. I've got Freaks and Geeks.
Nice. And Cirque de Boring. Mm. I liked that. I pulled out one of my very favorite lines from the movie, which is when Cate Blanchard is described as a frozen face bitch. So that's the title? Yeah, I loved it. Okay.
And also wasn't the part of it that really stuck out to me that it wasn't a frozen faced bitch. It was a frozen face bitch. And also she knew it was her from half a drawing in the notebook that one time. And she immediately was like, you're sleeping with her. Obsessed. Frozen face bitch, I mean, that's up here for the rest of my life. And if you wanna apply it to the character that she plays at the end in the snow, who's dead? So that's kind of a frozen face lady of sorts. And she's covered in blood.
That's not nice. Jesse, you got anything? Yeah, let's see here. Nightmare in the alley. How to get a guy to geek in 10 days. Wow, that's my fave.
Revenge of the babysat. Ultimately, that's Bradley Cooper's whole thing is that he killed his stepdad because he didn't like how he was when he looked after him.
Oh yeah, he let him race to death for sure. Yeah, all right, sure. And he very heavy handled it.
He's like, oh god, you froze. Like, do you throw him in the window and wait for him to die? I don't know. Sorry, you froze during that whole bit.
Look who's geeking. Ah shit, yeah, you guys are froze. Anyway, this is my last title. Look who's geeking now. That's a good one too, I'm a big fan.
I was really trying to think of something with Ringling Brothers Circus and I kept trying to be like, dirt piss, something. And then I never got there, so I gave up on it. I mean, dirt piss, something is perfect. Ringling Brothers, dirt piss, perfect. I was trying to think of something with Indiana Jones, because that's what he had, the Indiana Jones hat, his silhouette looked like he was just Indiana Jones. Yeah, I think I could throw in there like Tubjiz.
Ooh, Tub Girl, yeah. Tub Girl.
All right, so let's see what else we got in here. We got Gargoyle live action movie, interesting. Unless that's not the title and just the thing that they were talking about when they said this. Just a wish list. Because Brian once again did not collect these. We got Geek Wars, interesting. Geek Off, but the art looks like Face Off. Ooh, fan. We got Maybe He's Born for It, Maybe It's Nightmare Alley. And Tub Boy, which I think is just a play on what I just said, because it's again.
We all got to the same place. From Brian. All right, word. So I guess we're done. I want to mention again that we tagged our Discord that we just opened up at the top of this chat and I'll put it in the actual comments and stuff as well.
So go in there, we're going to be in there sometimes yelling about things, but you will have to be very civil or I'll kick you out. Yeah. Or Olivia Coleman will stand up and beat you up. Yeah. WWE style. Hell yeah.
And I'm going to say this thing that I always say which is we're going to be live streaming every Monday at 1 p.m. Eastern. I don't know if it's daylight or not because I keep forgetting, but please subscribe to Cracked Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts because we put this up as audio only. And we also exist as a newsletter where you get all the latest Cracked Movie coverage essays and you can talk to us about stuff. So sign up there at crack.com slash movie club. And hopefully we'll pick in the next few days like the next several movies that we're going to do.
Yeah. I mean, I have a wish list or something that I hope we can do. Yeah. Which is that I am seeing everything everywhere all at once tonight. And I hear it's awesome. I know they don't have it here yet. So we'll have to see about that.
Maybe it's because your pizza is so bad. It is. They say we're not going to bring this. Yeah, this indie film because our pizza sucks. Yeah, right. Our pizza rocks.
All right, that's it. I'm signing off. Goodbye, everyone. Adios. See ya. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_air_bud_snl | Thank God You're back from vacation Rochelle The cheer squad was a disaster without you. We weren't trash without you I know So how was the game? Okay, we were losing bad, but then the coach subbed in a new player And He was a fire. The other team complained, but there was no rules saying he couldn't play. He Totally turned the game around. Everyone was on their feet cheering, and he was so cute! Wait, there's a new star basketball player, and I'm not dating him. What's his name? Airbud Step aside, ladies, this one is mine. Oh Hey, what's up Rochelle? Hey You're Bud, right? I'm Rochelle head cheerleader. Oh, that's a cool tongue You're You're so hairy, I Love that are you Italian So I Heard you had quite the game on Friday, I'm so sorry I missed that I Was on vacation and the Virgin Islands wearing a bikini Shut up, I'm not even that tan. Oh My God. wait. I Love your necklace. I am microchim Beautiful I mean the poetry to Hey Rochelle. He's a dog Whatever Tyler You had your shot with me, and you blew it. I Gave you a chance to change and you refused How Was I supposed to get taller if you cared about me? You would have figured it out Whatever. Hey, Bud. You Want the rest of my sandwich. I don't want it Someone is hungry You're eating like so fast and just twist your mouth Wait, aren't you embarrassed for eating like that in front of a girl? I Guess not. You Don't care at all which of course only makes you hotter Rochelle Are You so blinded by the need to be popular? You Can't tell that that's a dog Whatever Trent You had your shot with me, and you blew it. You couldn't be what I needed you to be. I'm sorry my family isn't rich So was I Ready for your walk. I Got your little girlfriend outside wait You Were You ever gonna tell me about her or you're just gonna sit there and let me throw myself at you like an idiot. Oh So Now you're not gonna talk to me? fine, I Hope you and that slut are happy By the way, I Heard she eats grass barfs and then eats her own barf You know, I've never done any of those things. Just So you know, I'm not strict about condoms If you don't have one, I'll just say be careful. Okay, and still go along with it. Not that you'll ever benefit from it Rochelle he's a dog. You Can say that again. Bye Bud Wow, I've never seen Rochelle get jealous Hey, um, I'm Candace And Just so you know, I am strict about condoms. I Never let guys wear one. |
dropout | sexual_sarah_silverman_s_naturals | you are a woman who is beautiful I have approachable good luck you've got a sensuality that just runs deep I get it I'm I love when it makes me feel good and I don't think but like I do like it if when people see me in a sexual way you and me and an old sea captain are shipwrecked on a desert island with no help in sight cut open the sea captain for warmth oh what's the question that's it whatever I was it's open-ended in your mind it's cold and we've got to cut open that old sea captain and live inside of them both of us yeah and then we could use them for food I don't eat meat but you know if we need to survive and even if it's hot out we can cut him open we can use his insides dry them out and stretch them and use his skin as like a tarp while it still has a let elasticity it's got a lot of uses kind of like a buffalo and dry it yeah and then post it on sticks for shade yeah or I guess we are tree and this was before we'd even really investigated what was on the island yeah like oh my god there's like a thousand trees I really like you wow do you do any impressions I can do any impression can you do Paul Lind it's perfect how about Carol Channing that's great that's just just look that's just face I don't do the voice here's a thing I like to do I do Nev Campbell all right I just broke bread with Nev Campbell but I'd like my old lunch partner back the adorable there it is I have some crayons here if you feel like drawing anything oh my god you certainly welcome to do it what if I was asked you to draw the real Sarah Silverman that nobody knows do you are you a good artist no you get a little lipstick on there I like that Sarah Silverman you're a lovely woman with beautiful curves you know I mean look I I know my assets I've got I've got some you're lovely I've got some big naturals two truths about yourself and a lie I love folk country music I have anal warts my eyes are blue I'm I'm thinking about that and I hope that you told two lies I did I don't like folk country at all oh there we go |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_21_02_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin, coming to you live from the Desert Rock FM radio station in downtown Batuda. Sitting alongside me again today is me old mate Wendell Hussey. G'day and thanks for joining us as we run through the biggest stories from the week in news, live from Koala Mattress Studios. Getting the ball rolling with national news again, and Peter Dutton's made a shock announcement regarding Christmas Island this week. Yeah, he has Bruce.
After being impressed by how many unwitting people Billy McFarland managed to trap on the Bahamut Island of Great Exuma during his failed 2017 fire festival, Peter Dutton has today announced that the American entrepreneur will be running all operations in the soon-to-be reopened Christmas Island detention center. Dutton said to us, Billy McFarland is the best in the business at making understaffed and poorly managed island hideaways look cool and convincing enough to let morons spend millions of dollars on it. In this case, the morons are the Australian taxpayer. It's not yet known if Billy McFarland will be receiving a $448 million dollar contract to fuck up this knee-jerk government project like Paladin did with Manus, however he will be given free rein to sell exclusive tickets to the island in the oceanfront villages of Java. And it looks like McFarland might have some business soon if reports are to be believed.
The advocate was informed this morning that inspired by the Medevac bill, an opportunistic refugee has decided to first get lost at sea, spend five years in Nauru, develop an excruciating illness, and then maybe briefly come to Australia for medical treatment under armed guard for a week or two. After spending her entire life avoiding being tortured and killed by a tyrannical terrorist organisation that's taking control of her home country after several failed US military operations, one cunning refugee said the Medevac bills the news she's been waiting years to hear about. Sharon, whose name's been changed for obvious reasons, says she actually follows the Australian news cycle quite closely, and has been waiting ages for news of a weak Labor government so she can begin her seven-year journey to Australia's shores. Well, we can't say the Nightwatchman and Peter Dutton didn't warn us.
And in news back home now, a local boyfriend has used up all of his Valentine's Day brownie points in one hit this week. A local Patoota Ponds man who remembered Valentine's Day for the first time in his four-year relationship decided to treat his girlfriends to flowers and a nice dinner last week. However, rather than using the points accrued from the dinner sparingly over a few weeks, the young man decided to burn through all of them in one 48-hour-long bender with a flat phone over the weekend. The shell of a man told us on Monday morning that he's definitely in the red after getting a little bit too excited on Friday afternoon and going off the radar for a little while.
Elsewhere around town this week, a young anti-vaxxer mother has taken to social media this week to implore people to do some research into car seats and baby capsules. Butter Hibiscus, a civil engineer specialising in concrete during the day and a mummy blogger by night, said that she's exercising her right as a mother not to let her young children ride in a government-approved seating device in her car because the research the 29-year-old has done on her own time suggests that they may be more harm than good. The advocate sat down with Ms Hibiscus and her partner Banjo Clemente, who explained the dangers associated with using car booster seats and baby capsules. Hibiscus told us that baby seats cause scoliosis, diabetes and serious damage to a child's spine and that everyone should be doing their own research into the devices.
At that point, our reporter asked where the toilet was and took the opportunity to climb out the window. Since publishing that story, one of our local readers, named Paul Redfern, has texted our editor Clancy, informing him that we do need to be aware of Big Seatbelt trying to steal our money as there's a cure for whiplash but it's more profitable for Big Seatbelt to keep it from us so they can sell us more products. Certainly does seem like a real hot-button issue around town at the moment, so we'll have to keep an eye on that one. Yes, we certainly will.
And in sports news now, the multinational brand Adidas have announced an exciting new range of shoes this week. The second largest sportswear company in the world made the announcement this morning, unveiling a new range which will feature a cutting-edge NRL boot that will combine the added ankle support popular with modern-day players with the ability to attach an electronic monitoring bracelet if required. The new feature comes after the shitshow that was the 2018-2019 NRL offseason, which saw many of the game's players land themselves in hot water. The boot, with ankle bracelet compatibility, will allow authorities to monitor players' behaviour if they've been given favourable bail conditions because they're an NRL player or if they've been given a non-custodial sentence. The boot is expected to be on shelves across the country by the end of this week.
Sounds like innovation and ingenuity at its finest there, Del. Anyway, that's it for the News Bulletin this week. Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next time, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
cracked | 4_movie_side_characters_screwed_by_the_hero_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Movies have protagonists. There's no way around that. We have a person or persons we care about, and we want them to learn a lesson and succeed. Everyone who gets in their way on that path to clarity is generally a villain at the worst and forgettably disposable at the least. Movies try to make things as black and white as possible with clear heroes and clear villains, so we don't feel bad for the people who lose to ensure that the protagonist wins. But every once in a while, they miss the mark. There are some unexplored casualties of popular movies, and I'm gonna talk about them, because this is my show, and that's what I've decided to do with it.
Captain America Winter Soldier is the best Captain America movie so far. You see what life has been like for Captain America in the modern world, easily weaving PTSD in with a fun and tight espionage movie, plus the undeniable sexual tension between Cap and Bucky. Cap spends the movie trying to reach and save Bucky, who is not only his friend, but his last connection to the past life that he knew. Bucky's been brainwashed, and Cap tries everything he can to make Bucky snap out of his programming. When punching doesn't work, Cap breaks into a museum and steals the original Captain America uniform that had been on display in a glass case, hoping that the old uniform will jog Bucky's memory. This leads to a cameo from Stan Lee, my friend, who, as the overnight security guard at the museum, is the one to stumble upon the missing uniform.
He says, I am so fired, and the audience laughs, because hey, it's Stan Lee, and hey, he's fired. But like, yeah, he's definitely fired.
They never specifically age the character of Museum Nighttime Guard, but he's in his 90s. That's a 90-something man who still has to work doing his fucking best, and the next day, his 27-year-old boss is going to pull him into an office and be like, world-famous enemy of the state broke into the museum, stole an iconic, decades-old piece of history, and you didn't notice anything until it was too late.
Doesn't look good, Stan. The costume is one of the reasons people travel to this museum and pay the entrance fee, Stan. What are we supposed to do, Stan? There is someone on staff at that museum who has been looking for a reason to fire the incredibly old security guard, and this is all the ammo they needed. Do you think they're going to just go easy on him just because it turns out Cap only stole the costume to remind a time-traveling assassin that they used to be buddies? That change is nothing. Stan blew it at work, and he should get fired. There was a 90-something-year-old man picking up some extra money by working the graveyard shift, and now he's out on the street. It's on you, Captain America.
In Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams has to dress up as a sweet Scottish lady and pose as a nanny in a misguided attempt to be closer to his children. And these must be the cherubs. He does a bunch of voices. Don't fuss with me. There are some shenanigans. There's obviously a scene where he has to balance dinner with his family as his widowed alter ego, Mrs. Doubtfire, and a dinner with his boss, as himself, at the same time, in the same restaurant. It is, in general, one of the most 90s movies ever made. In between shenanigans and montages set to Aerosmith songs, we meet a sweet old bus driver played by the late Sydney Walker. Williams, as Doubtfire, has to take a late bus home from work most nights, and his bus driver is usually the only other person on the bus.
When he sees her, he smiles and sweetly flirts with her. It's cute. Cold night, isn't it? Yes, it is. Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.
And the audience watching along is supposed to laugh because the bus driver doesn't realize he's flirting with a guy. In the 90s, sometimes a guy accidentally liking another guy was all it took for something to be considered a joke.
And like, I'm sorry. We're sorry.
Anyway, I don't know what went wrong in my brain, but I think about that bus driver all the time. To begin with, he's a lonely old man who works the late shift for a bus that is almost always empty.
He's obviously single, which means his wife either died or left him, or he still hasn't managed to find someone yet. Then he meets a woman who seems sweet and seems his age and isn't rebuffing his advances. So he probably suspects she's single. Available women his age are probably hard to come by, and now he's found a pretty one that actually seems to like him. He must feel pretty lucky. He also seems like just the sweetest man.
When he sees Mrs. Doubtfire's bare legs covered in the thick and wild fur that is Robin Williams' natural pelt, he doesn't balk or abandon his flirtation like some other more shallow men might. He accepts Mrs. Doubtfire, woolly legs and all, as natural, healthy, just the way God made you. I like that Mediterranean looking woman. Natural, healthy, just the way God made you. But he broke the mold when he made me, dear. I think about this man, and the way he looks and smiles at Mrs. Doubtfire, and I can't help but think that seeing this woman and briefly getting the opportunity to flirt with her is the highlight of his day.
I relate to this guy. I've been this guy.
It's been a long day of hard, lonely work, but for five minutes, I made a girl laugh. I made her smile. For five minutes, I was charming. So no matter what else happened that day, that's a day that goes down in the record books as one of the good days. Sometimes, seeing the courage you muster to flirt with a stranger, rewarded with the smile of a pretty girl, is enough to carry you through fucking anything.
Mrs. Doubtfire gets her own TV show by the end of the movie. That means the bus driver is going to see it, check the credits, find out that it's Robin Williams in a wig, and just crash.
I'm not saying this is a crying game situation where he'll freak out because he's horrified at being attracted to a man. I'm saying he'll be crushed when he finds out that this harmless nightly flirting ritual with the attractive stranger was just a bunch of bullshit. It was probably hard enough on the bus driver when Mrs. Doubtfire suddenly stopped showing up on his bus route. Now, he has to find out that she doesn't even exist. Maybe he's got a brother or a sister or some nieces, nephews, grannies, his grandnephews, and they're like, Uncle, unnamed bus driver, what happened to that woman on the bus you were telling us about? Did you ever ask her out? And he just has to stare off and not answer because the real answer is too depressing because the real answer is she was never real. She was a costumed straight man in a costume doing a character and I'll never understand why he kept the character going when it was just the two of us on a bus. The best part of my nights, the thing I wrote home about was based on a lie. It was hasty of me to tell you about her. And that's way too sad and embarrassing. I like to think that things worked out for the bus driver, but like how?
In the Mighty Ducks, Coach Bombay, a ruthless lawyer, gets arrested for drunk driving and instead of serving the up to 90 days in prison that is standard in Minnesota, he sends to community service in the form of coaching a peewee hockey team. Just for five peewee hockey teams, I'm Gordon Bombay. I'm the new coach. Bombay's team is a pack of wacky smart aleck misfits with hearts of gold and after some initial growing pains, the kids grow to love and respect Coach Bombay and he in turn learns a valuable lesson about how the criminal justice system is disproportionately lenient on white offenders. Oh, I'm sorry, he learns to believe in himself and be nicer to people.
The scrappy ducks spend the movie feuding with the snooty, well-to-do suburbanite hawks. Coach Bombay realizes that due to redistricting laws, the fancy hawks star player, Adam Banks, should actually be playing on the ducks because you know how redistricting historically benefits Disney franchise poor people? Anyway, star player Adam Banks joins the ducks and they end up defeating the hawks and really becoming a family.
A brief but necessary aside about child aimed sports movies, I've been critical of a few Mighty Ducks plot points that seem tone deaf now when viewed through a modern lens. But let me be clear, I love this frigging movie. And if you were a kid in the early 2000s or if you're a kid right now, as always, don't watch this show because of the language and the rightfully assumed inebriation. You really got or are currently getting screwed or fucked because no one is making good sports movies for you. The 90s was the golden age of young kids sports movies and nobody talks about it. Three Mighty Ducks, Little Giants, Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Space Jam, the motherfucking Sandlot. Are you kidding me? If we age on up a little bit for adult oriented movies, the 90s game is Rudy and White Men Can't Jump, both perfect movies. We were spoiled for choice. We had amazing iconic coming of age underdog sports movies for every single sport. Did Hollywood just decide after the perfect movie sports decade that was time to just close up shop? The second Mighty Ducks movie had an ice skating cowboy.
My childhood was perfect. Why aren't we trying to replicate that for future children?
End of brief, but necessary aside. Anyway, who got screwed in this movie? Oh, all the Hawks.
They might not have had the unique individual quirks of each and every duck, but they were an objectively superior hockey team, probably because of their discipline and work ethic. The coach of the Hawks and Coach Bombay were engaged in some kind of decades long pissing match, but the Hawk players weren't engaged in that. They were hardworking children who really liked hockey and practiced it all the time.
They built their team around their leader, and then in the middle of the season, some drunk driving lawyer was like, I'm going to take your star player by exploiting a districting loophole. That won't disrupt anything, right? It hurts any team to lose anyone in the middle of a season, let alone a star player. They were pacing to win, and then this blood money funded squad of misfits out of nowhere, out of fucking nowhere, shows up and snatches their best guy. The Golden State Warriors got KD from Oklahoma in the off-season. They didn't take LeBron from the Cavs before the finals because one of LeBron's houses happened to be located in an Oakland district. Those kids did nothing wrong, and they had to watch their former captain own the shit out of them because it was the only way the soulless lawyer coach of the Ducks could actually win.
You know, this movie starts with Bombay's lawyer, but he's criticizing him for being too ruthless in the courtroom. Next time, a little restraint might be in order. And then by the end of the movie, he's recruiting child players from opposing teams in the pursuit of winning. I'm starting to think Coach Bombay didn't learn anything at all.
Stuart Little is an adorable movie about a family that decides to break social norms and adopt a talking mouse as their new child. At first, their hue and son George is like, that mouse is my brother. And their cat, like, cat, snowmelt, is like, oh, I fucked up that mouse. But by the end of the movie, George comes to accept Stuart as his brother.
And the cat dies? No. That can't be right. Cat wouldn't die? Cat doesn't die? Say the cat. The cat doesn't die. The cat decides to also go against biologically necessary norms and accepts the mouse as an equal in the food chain.
It's a great film about love and acceptance and family. One small problem. The Little family didn't set out to adopt a mouse. They wanted a new child. George wanted a little brother. So they went to an orphanage where a bunch of orphans are. And they were so charmed by the talking mouse that they just had to have it.
Even the woman who ran the orphanage was like, we normally discourage people from adopting outside of their own species. We try to discourage couples from adopting children outside their own species. Which is the diplomatic way of saying, yo, rethink this.
It's a mouse. The average lifespan of a mouse is two years. The oldest mouse in history is like four years old.
And also, they shit it all the time, and they don't technically have any rights. And finally, if you're really going to do this, if you're so horned up to get a mouse today, please don't do it in front of actual human orphan children. These kids live every day, hoping they get adopted. How are they going to feel when you show up and you're like, the mouse with shoes is pretty cool. I'll take his ass. That's insane. You're torturing all of these kids for no reason. Can you make the orphans watch you adopt a mouse? That's not even a situation, you dopey fucks.
I was so curious about this movie's message that I tracked down a website that specifically covers movies that feature adoption to determine if it's a fair portrayal or if it sends a bad message or could potentially be triggering. The website is called Adoption at the Movies, and they work as a resource to help families with adopted children connect their experiences with wholesome films. How dope is that? Anyway, on Stuart Little, they said, quote, there's a lot of concerning stuff here.
His brother rejects him. The family pet tries to get him killed by mobsters. Stuart is kidnapped by people posing as his birth parents. We learned that Stuart's actual birth parents were killed when they were crushed by cans in a grocery accident. Stuart's adoption agency places him without even visiting the home, and this puts Stuart in danger.
Although this could be a lighthearted film for some viewers, it's probably a safe one to skip for most adoptive families and the fuck quote. And that doesn't even touch on the orphans who had to watch and be like, are you sure that anthropomorphic mouse with an adult man's voice would be a better young child than me? A young child? Are you sure you want to reject me in this dramatic of a fashion? I guess it's nice that the little family is happy, but damn, I do not care. They gave a massive bed and a bedroom to a mouse.
Oh, that's it for this month. Tune in next month when we'll cover why hasn't the cool sponsor gotten behind this show? It does consistently good traffic and costs zero dollars to produce because we film in our office and our in-house editor, Nick Rood, edits every episode ever since our former editor, Noel Wells, stopped doing it. And wait, watch that, Saturday Night Live alum and writer-director star of Major Motion Picture and Mr. Roosevelt, Noel Wells, used to edit this show. Yes, that's right. She edited the first few episodes.
And anyway, isn't it weird that I can't get Chili's to send us a few grand to sponsor this show? Like, that's fucking insane. I love Chili's and this show costs no money and its alumni have gone on to SNL and I talk about Chili's all the time. Just give us like a hundred grand and I'll talk about you for a year on a popular internet show. I'll eat your fucking southwestern egg rolls at the start and close of every episode. The economics of internet writing is insane right now and a hundred grand is nothing to you, please, Chili's. Whoa. Does not feel like there's enough material there for a full episode, but yeah, definitely, Chili's, get at me. Give us a hundred grand.
You'll help keep the site going. Bye. Hey everybody, thank you for watching that. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Click any of the videos that look like good videos to watch them. Click the YouTube fucking stupid bell to get notifications when I make new videos. And in the comments, no, don't go to the comments, go to, do like hashtag OPCDChilis and get that shit trending, okay.
In Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams has to dress up as a sweet Scottish lady and pose as a nanny in a misguided attempt to be closer to his children. And these must be the cherubs. He does a bunch of voices. Don't fuss with me. There are some shenanigans. Feel the like a lady, now, now, now. There's obviously a scene where he has to balance dinner with his family as his whittled alter ego Mrs. Doubtfire and a dinner with his boss as himself at the same time in the same restaurant.
It is, in general, one of the most 90s movies ever made. In between shenanigans and montages set to Aerosmith songs, we meet a sweet old bus driver played by the late Sydney Walker.
Good evening, dear. Evening, ma'am.
Williams as Doubtfire has to take a late bus home from work most nights, and this bus driver is usually the only other person on the bus. When he sees her, he smiles and sweetly flirts with her. It's cute. Cold night, isn't it? Yes, it is. Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.
And the audience watching along is supposed to laugh because, ah, the bus driver doesn't realize he's flirting with a guy. In the 90s, sometimes a guy accidentally liking another guy was all it took for something to be considered a joke. And like, I'm sorry, we're sorry.
Anyway, I don't know what went wrong in my brain, but I think about that bus driver all the time. To begin with, he is a lonely old man who works the lay shift for a bus that is almost always empty.
He's obviously single, which means his wife either died or left him, or he still hasn't managed to find someone yet. Then, he meets a woman who seems sweet and seems his age and isn't rebuffing his advances. So he probably suspects she's single. Available women his age are probably hard to come by, and now he's found a pretty one that actually seems to like him. He must feel pretty lucky. He also seems like just the sweetest man.
When he sees Mrs. Doubtfire's bare legs covered in the thick and wild fur that is Robin Williams' natural pelt, he doesn't balk or abandon his flirtation like some other more shallow men might. He accepts Mrs. Doubtfire, woolly legs and all, as natural, healthy, just the way God made you. I like that Mediterranean looking woman. Oh. Natural, healthy, just the way God made you. But he broke the mold when he made me, dear. I think about this man and the way he looks and smiles at Mrs. Doubtfire, and I can't help but think that seeing this woman and briefly getting the opportunity to flirt with her is the highlight of his day.
I relate to this guy. I've been this guy.
I had a long day of hard, lonely work, but for five minutes, I made a girl laugh. I made her smile. Five minutes, I was charming. So no matter what else happened that day, that's a day that goes down in the record books as one of the good days. Sometimes, seeing the courage you muster to flirt with a stranger, rewarded with the smile of a pretty girl is enough to carry you through fucking anything.
Mrs. Doubtfire gets her own TV show by the end of the movie. That means the bus driver is gonna see it, check the credits, find out that it's Robin Williams in a wig, and just crash.
I'm not saying this is a crying game situation where he'll freak out because he's horrified of being attracted to a man. I'm saying he'll be crushed when he finds out that this harmless, nightly flirting ritual with the attractive stranger was just a bunch of bullshit. It was probably hard enough on the bus driver when Mrs. Doubtfire suddenly stopped showing up on his bus route. Now he has to find out that she doesn't even exist. Maybe he's got a brother or a sister or some nieces, nephews, grandnieces, grandnephews, and they're like, Uncle, unnamed bus driver? What happened to that woman on the bus you were telling us about? Did you ever ask her out? And he just has to stare off and not answer because the real answer is too depressing because the real answer is she was never real. She was a costumed straight man in a costume doing a character, and I'll never understand why he kept the character going when it was just the two of us on a bus. The best part of my nights, the thing I wrote home about, was based on a lie. It was hasty of me to tell you about her, and that's way too sad and embarrassing. I like to think that things worked out for the bus driver, but like how?
In The Mighty Ducks, Coach Bombay, a ruthless lawyer, gets arrested for drunk driving, and instead of serving the up to 90 days in prison that is standard in Minnesota, he sends to community service in the form of coaching a pee-wee hockey team. Just for five pee-wee hockey teams, I'm Gordon Bombay. I'm the new coach. Hahaha! Bombay's team is a pack of wacky, smart, allic misfits with hearts of gold, and after some initial growing pains, the kids grow to love and respect Coach Bombay, and he, in turn, learns a valuable lesson about how the criminal justice system is disproportionately lenient on white offenders. Oh, I'm sorry, he learns to believe in himself and be nicer to people.
The scrappy ducks spend the movie feuding with the snooty, well-to-do suburbanite hawks. Coach Bombay realizes that, due to redistricting laws, the fancy hawks star player, Adam Banks, should actually be playing on the ducks, because you know how redistricting historically benefits disenfranchised poor people? Anyway, star player Adam Banks joins the ducks, and they end up defeating the hawks and really becoming a family.
A brief but necessary aside about child-aimed sports movies, I've been critical of a few Mighty Ducks plot points that seem tone-deaf now when viewed through a modern lens, but let me be clear, I love this friggin' movie, and if you were a kid in the early 2000s or if you're a kid right now, as always, don't watch this show because of the language and the rightfully assumed inebriation. You really got or are currently getting screwed or fucked because no one is making good sports movies for you. The 90s was the golden age of young kids sports movies and nobody talks about it. Three Mighty Ducks, Little Giants, Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Space Jam, the motherfucking Sandlot. Are you kidding me? If we age on up a little bit for adult-oriented movies, the 90s gave us Rudy and White Men Can't Jump, both perfect movies. We were spoiled for choice. We had amazing, iconic, coming-of-age underdog sports movies for every single sport. Did Hollywood just decide after the perfect movie sports decade that was the 90s that it was time to just close up shop? The second Mighty Ducks movie had an ice-skating cowboy.
My childhood was perfect. Why aren't we trying to replicate that for future children?
End of brief but necessary aside. Anyway, who got screwed in this movie? Oh, all the Hawks.
They might not have had the unique individual quirks of each and every duck, but they were an objectively superior hockey team, probably because of their discipline and work ethic. The coach of the Hawks and Coach Bombay were engaged in some kind of decades-long pissing match, but the Hawk players weren't engaged in that. They were hardworking children who really liked hockey and practiced it all the time.
Whatever. I just wanna play hockey. They built their team around their leader, and then in the middle of the season, some drunk, driving lawyer was like, I'm gonna take your star player by exploiting a districting loophole. That won't disrupt anything, right?
It hurts any team to lose anyone in the middle of a season, let alone a star player. They were pacing to win, and then this blood money-funded squad of misfits out of nowhere, out of fucking nowhere, shows up and snatches their best guy. The Golden State Warriors got KD from Oklahoma in the off-season. They didn't take LeBron from the Cavs before the finals because one of Bron's houses happened to be located in an Oakland district. Those kids did nothing wrong, and they had to watch their former captain own the shit out of them because it was the only way the soulless lawyer coach of the Ducks could actually win.
This movie starts with Bombay's lawyer, but he's criticizing him for being too ruthless in the courtroom. Next time, a little restraint might be in order. And then by the end of the movie, he is recruiting child players from opposing teams in the pursuit of winning. Started to think Coach Bombay didn't learn anything at all.
Stewart Little is an adorable movie about a family that decides to break social norms and adopt a talking mouse as their new child. At first, their human son, George, is like, that mouse isn't my brother, and their cat, like, cat, snow belt, is like, I wanna fuck up that mouse, but by the end of the movie, George comes to accept Stewart as his brother, and the cat dies?
No. That can't be right.
Cat wouldn't die, cat doesn't die, say the cat. The cat doesn't die. The cat decides to also go against biologically necessary norms and accepts the mouse as an equal in the food chain.
It's a great film about love and acceptance and family. One small problem. The Little family didn't set out to adopt a mouse. They wanted a new child. George wanted a little brother, so they went to an orphanage where a bunch of orphans are, and they were so charmed by the talking mouse that they just had to have it. Even the woman who ran the orphanage was like, we normally discourage people from adopting outside of their own species. We try to discourage couples from adopting children outside their own species. Which is the diplomatic way of saying, yo, rethink this.
It's a mouse. The average lifespan of a mouse is two years. The oldest mouse in history is like four years old, and also, they shit it all the time, and they don't technically have any rights.
And finally, if you're really gonna do this, if you're so horned up to get a mouse today, please don't do it with actual human orphan children. These kids live every day, hoping they get adopted. How are they gonna feel when you show up and you're like, that mouse with shoes is pretty cool. I'll take his ass. That's insane. You're torturing all of these kids for no reason. You're making the orphans watch you adopt a mouse? That's not even a situation, you dopey fucks.
I was so curious about this movie's message that I tracked down a website that specifically covers movies that feature adoption to determine if it's a fair portrayal or if it sends a bad message or could potentially be triggering. The website is called Adoption at the Movies, and they work as a resource to help families with adopted children connect their experiences with wholesome films. How dope is that? Anyway, on Stuart Little, they said, there's a lot of concerning stuff here.
His brother rejects him. The family pet tries to get him killed by mobsters. Stuart is kidnapped by people posing as his birth parents. We learned that Stuart's actual birth parents were killed when they were crushed by cans in a grocery accident. Stuart's adoption agency places him without even visiting the home, and this puts Stuart in danger.
Although this could be a lighthearted film for some viewers, it's probably a safe one to skip for most adoptive families and the fuck quote. And that doesn't even touch on the orphans who had to watch and be like, are you sure that anthropomorphic mouse with an adult man's voice would be a better young child than me? A young child? Are you sure you wanna reject me in this dramatic of a fashion? I guess it's nice that the little family is happy, but damn, I do not care. They gave a massive bed and a bedroom to a mouse.
Ah, that's it for this month. Tune in next month when we'll cover why hasn't a cool sponsor gotten behind this show, does consistently good traffic, and cause zero dollars to produce because we film in our office and our in-house editor, Nick Roode, edits every episode ever since our former editor, Noelle Wells, stopped doing it, and wait, watch that, Saturday Night Live alum and writer, director, star of Major Motion Picture and Mr. Roosevelt, Noelle Wells, used to edit this show. Yes, that's right.
She edited the first few episodes, and anyway, isn't it weird that I can't get Chili's to send us a few grand to sponsor this show? Like, that's fucking insane. I love Chili's, and this show costs no money, and its alumni have gone on to SNL, and I talk about Chili's all the time. Just give us, like, a hundred grand, and I'll talk about you for a year on a popular internet show. I'll eat your fucking Southwestern egg rolls at the start and close of every episode. The economics of internet writing is insane right now, and a hundred grand is nothing to you, please, Chili's. Whoa. Does not feel like there's enough material there for a full episode, but yeah, definitely, Chili's, get at me. Give us a hundred grand.
You'll help keep the site going. Bye. Hey everybody, thank you for watching that. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Click any of the videos that look like good videos to watch them. Click the YouTube fucking stupid bell to get notifications when I make new videos. And in the comments, no, don't go to the comments. Go to, do like hashtag OPCD Chili's, and get that shit trending. |
dropout | not_google_plus | By now, you've probably heard about Google+, a new social networking platform, but there are already so many of those. That's why we've created, not Google+. Joining is simple. First, don't join Google+, then once you've done that, don't invite your friends to join Google+. They'll all start not inviting their friends to join, and soon nobody will feel any need or desire to join Google+, and we can all get on with our lives. When not Google+, you'll have fun not spending hours dividing your friends into circles, not having to update your stream, and not worrying about puddles and hangouts, or even learning what those words mean. In fact, not Google+, has no learning curve at all.
Everyone alive already has years of experience using it. You're an expert.
Not Google+, provides the most privacy of any social platform. There's no mobile app to download. You won't have to worry about seeking it to Foursquare and Tumblr. You won't feel a compulsive, insecure need to refresh it, and it will never contribute to an irrational fear of missing out. Not Google+, accomplishes all of this simply by being, by definition, something that does not technically exist in the physical realm. No one has ever received 14 invitations to a one-woman show on a website that doesn't exist.
Best of all, you're already a Not Google+, member. To continue your membership, simply continue Not joining Google+. Eat a cantaloupe, clean your toilet, play tetherball with a small Portuguese child. As long as you're not joining Google+, you're enjoying the benefits of Not Google+.
It's that easy.
If you enjoyed our other products, definitely not Google Wave, and get the hell out of here with that Google Buzz thing, just stop. You, like us, understand that the biggest revolution in social networking would be for there to be no more revolutions in social networking. Not Google+, because enough already. |
dropout | clock_suckers_return_of_the_other_king | This week's episode return of the other king, the other one, not the Lord of the Rings one. You know, it's kind of nice having some guests in Casa de Tana. Yeah, I'm assuming that's Spanish for loser who lives in his parents attic without them knowing. Well, I don't speak Spanish. Anyway, what the hell is wrong with your place, Ben? It's actually getting fumigated for fleas and that group of Mexican dudes that live in my bathroom.
Ooh! What's this?
Uh, that's my mom's old scrapbook. She used to be a huge Elvis fan. Looks like it. Here's one with your mom at an Elvis concert. Here's one with her and Elvis. And here's one with Elvis Powell driving your mom. Very nice. What? Elvis boned your mom.
High five. Not a high five moment.
Look at the date on that picture. March 1977, that's nine months before I was born.
Dude, Elvis could be your dad. Ooh, let's go downstairs and confront your mom about it. We can do a whole Maury Povich thing. Now, I should just deny it. Besides, we can't.
My parents are away on vacation this week. Wait, your parents aren't even here?
Then why the fuck are we crammed in this god-forsaken attic? It's a million degrees up here. It gets lonely up here, okay?
Okay, look. Let's just go grab Elvis, bring her back here, then when my mom sees him, she'll have to come clean. Well, she'll either confess or start humping Elvis right in front of your dad.
Looks like a win-win. I'm a Cadillac sandwich. This is a nice looking bathroom. It's very clean. There's no small Mexican family cooking in the bathtub. Not bad at all.
Hey, Elvis. Suck it or leave. Elvis. Let's take a monkey. Monkey stay. Hey, King. Let me try this.
Who wants a fried baloney sandwich? What? Double fried. The King needs a double fry.
Hey, Ben, Kate, Tanner, what's going on? Well, how the hell do you know her names? Love me tender. Love me true. Hey, who are you people? How'd you get in here? Look, Elvis. I need to know if you ever banged my mom. Her name is Ellen Tanner.
Does that ring a bell? Is she a human girl? Yes. Most likely, yes, but let's make sure.
Oh, to my right. I feel my temperature rising higher and higher, it was burning through to my soul. OK, Ellen Tanner. Yep. Here she is.
I gave her three and a half crowns. You should be very proud of your momma. I'll be sure to congratulate her. Look, Elvis, there's a good chance at me son.
Well, ain't that something else? All right, let me just finish up here and I'll show you around. Okay, we'll just wait for you outside.
No! You gotta stay in waltz! Wise men say... Only fools rush in... Get out!
Here's the dining room. It's where I do all my eatin' and druggin'. I also fight a gang of pirate ninjas here every other Tuesday.
I, uh, couldn't help but notice some of the other names in your notebook here. Let's see, uh, Betsy Ross, oldie but a goodie, Mini Mouse. That's a bit of a logistical challenge, I gotta believe.
And, uh, Zangtar the Horrible. What's that about? Oh man, she was one crazy space lady, I tell you what. Zangtar, queen of the moon, her tentacles were all over my face. Uh, you said tentacles, right?
Sure, why not. Hey, what's down now? Now I'm not exactly sure what this room is, but I'm assuming it's where I keep all my worthless shit. Elvis, for the last time this isn't your house! Look, I brought you back here so my mom can confirm if I'm your son or not.
Cool, once it's confirmed, I'll bang her. That's not really the point. It'll be great. I'll bang her Graceland style, man. It involves a guitar, some pork chops, and fake sideburns. Oh, and butt loop. Well, we've got a full week before your mom gets back and has sex with Elvis, so we've got some time to kill. Ooh, I wanna bring Elvis with me so I can impress that cashier chick that I like.
Hey asshole, a little heads up on the fumigation would be nice. Next time you fall asleep, I'm gonna shit in your mouth. Oh, where are my manners? I'd like to introduce you to my wife Priscilla, my daughter, Lisa Marie. Thank you, thank you very much. Where the fuck am I?
Impressed? Yeah, I thought so. Listen, if you're not doing anything later tonight, how about you- Uh, I wanna have sex with this guy now. Of course you do, little lady. Now behold, the king's scepter. Phew, all right. Now where's that cashier lady you like? What are you talking about? You just had sex with her. I did? Well, okay then, man, mission accomplished. Who's up for some deep fried cocaine? Okay, my turn.
I wanna use Elvis to win a karaoke contest and possibly hump him afterwards. No, wait, I still need him so I can bang the cashier. You hand your chance. I don't think so. Hold on, man, there's no need to fight. There's plenty of the king to go around. Let's spend this week Elvis style, up, up, and away.
You know what's funny? I've never seen a flaming corpse get dry humped before. Speaking of crazy pants, where'd he go? He's, uh, taking a dump. I'll go get the king off his throne. God damn it. What the hell are you doing here? Tanner!
How's your job going as a high profile scientist attorney surgeon? Sweet Jesus, I hate the sound of your voice. Scientist attorney surgeon?
Really? Shut up. Yeah, it's going good. Look, mom, there's something I gotta ask you. Is Elvis my real dad? What are you talking about? Well, maybe this'll jog your memory.
Bring him out, Ben. King's dad, he died on the shitter. Not it for cleaning up. Son of a bitch.
It's true. I did have sex with Elvis, but there's no way he's your father. But Mrs. T, how can you know for sure? Well, right before Elvis was about to finish, he performed what I believe you kids call a money shot on my face. Mrs. T. It's all true, boy.
What? Dad, you were there? Hell yeah. I was the one who took the picture.
High fives. Not a high five moment.
Fine, I'll be able to run an accident anyway. What's for dinner? They will use that chase in me! With your pitch fronting your new seat! Ah, I saw a car priest! I'm just gonna need this, uh, jumbo pack of condoms here. You guessed it. I'm huge.
Hey, where's your crazy friend, Ben? Why? Because of this. Ew. High five? |
TheOnion | Victim_In_Fatal_Car_Accident_Tragically_Not_Glenn_Beck | Tragedy in the heartland today, as a 17-year-old honors student burned alive after being hit by an out-of-control speeding car, a grisly death only TV host Glenn Beck could deserve. According to police, a car driving over 70 miles per hour in a 25-mile-per-hour zone struck young Rebecca Bunton as she was bicycling down a quiet street in Olathe, Kansas, shattering her rib cage and not Glenn Beck's, tragically pinning her legs, not his, to a retaining wall. Calvin Dale lives just a few blocks from the scene of the accident. I heard screaming, and I thought it was just someone doing an accurate impression of Glenn Beck talking normally, but then I saw the smoke. EMT Craig Anton was first on the scene. I jumped out of the ambulance, and I ran to the wreckage to make sure that the victim was still breathing or else it was Glenn Beck. At this impromptu vigil, friends said Rebecca was a lively girl with a bright future, a good friend who hated Glenn Beck and loved to dance.
She was just a normal kid. She wasn't some fat, dumb Mormon fuckface who should have drank herself to death when she had the chance. She was so beautiful. She didn't even have little pig eyes. Among those expressing their grief and confusion was the victim's mother.
There is no harder thing than to have Glenn Beck outlive your child. I wouldn't give anything for this to have happened to Glenn Beck in death. The terrible tragedy hits especially hard following the Rottweiler mauling of someone besides Glenn Beck in Milwaukee yesterday and the revelation that Glenn Beck was not the man trampled to death at a street carnival in Rio de Janeiro Sunday. Moving on, Reebok has introduced a line of full-bodied sneakers. |
dropout | why_blowjobs_are_more_intimate_than_sex | I'm sorry I can't. What's wrong? I'm just not ready to take it to the next level yet.
We've already had sex. I know but a blowjob is so much more intimate than sex. What? You humped me for a couple minutes then came into a little rubber bag. That is nothing compared to the emotional connection you make tasting a penis. No no Look blowjobs are third base. Sex is a home run. You're talking about putting your fuck parts in my head where my brain lives. That's a goddamn grand slam. No listen sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do.
Are you serious? There's a position named after the way dogs do it. Shit.
Yes okay but when you and I did it we stared into each other's eyes we explored each other's bodies. I didn't explore your body. What do you mean? I don't know what your dick looks like. But we had sex.
Exactly. You took it out of your pants, put it into a little rubber bag. Stop calling it that.
Then hit it up my vagina. A blowjob. Now that's how you really get to know a penis. No no. Open your face. I was inside of you. Yeah in my vagina. It's not quite my mouth. One is a place where I express my ideas and tell my Mima I love her. The other's a place I pee near my butthole. You're really underselling the vagina here.
It brings life into the world. Sex creates life. Yeah you're right. Sex does create life. Thank you.
So imagine you have a teenage daughter. Okay. Now imagine walking in on her with her boyfriend. Would you rather catch him lying on top of her making vague hip movements or filling up your daughter's mouth with jizz? Oh okay okay. Big hip movements. That's what I thought.
Blowjobs are straight up pornographic. And being pornographic with someone?
That takes trust. We'll get there. You're right. All right. Now let's do butt stuff. |
cracked | why_there_aren_t_more_thanksgiving_comedies | All right guys, we don't want to get out of here for the holidays last order of business We got to get a thanksgiving video idea funny Thanksgiving internet. Yep sketch. Yeah, yeah comedy all those things Thanksgiving Yeah, which is a holiday that you know, November care about you're starting much further back than the two of us, right? I wrote down a bunch of ideas hit me with your ideas. Oh my them hit me with your crayon sauce sauce sauce cranberry sauce Nothing there.
Nope stuff that must have happened about The first guy stuffing that must have happened about the first guy who whose idea was that like let's clear all the shit out of the bird And then put this other stuff in there. There's shit in the bird shit in the bird. Yeah, there's shit everywhere man shooting the bird There's shit with really the shit in the bird. You're putting the stuffing in the in the butt of the bird There's a sketch. I don't think that's funny. But of the bird.
Yeah, I don't want to imagine Okay, you're eating stuff out of a pot. No bad. You know bad ideas in a brainstorm, but fine Well, don't just buy my notes.
No bad ideas the brainstorm do black people Is there a difference Can we pretend there's a difference? Can we think good if we had any black? What people cast of are you saying like this white people do it like this? You want to know if there's a difference between black people and white people?
No, just the way these are be Thanksgiving. There it is I want to not talk about that ever again or anything related to it for the good of the site Did you I'm gonna vote on that? what Christmas no Thanksgiving if you read you're like the level of Dumb character that you're doing is now being detrimental to the brainstorm. I just want to bring that up Does that seem true to you Daniel? You think I'm doing a character?
Something about families drunk. I Hmm. I have an uncle Who drinks? Yeah, you telegraphed that alcohol and every thanksgiving Like I think like he doesn't get a you know Like like the rest of the family very much cuz he just he eats too, but he drinks a lot of yeah Yeah, I'm thinking about it and like it makes me sad.
Yeah New thing, please Why don't you do why don't we just have Cody do one of his songs? You know that gets you a few extra views and you go. Hey we tried Berry sauce Yeah I Pray And More Which means Things about Thanksgiving that's all there's gonna be a joke right if it's a parody song That's just like a legitimate children's song that would teach small children what stuff about things Brock you gobbles off Yeah, I hate where the song rock your gobbles off. That's fucking classic I can see that on a t-shirt. I have seen that on t-shirts Well, then you stole it from someone and we can't use it. Did you not understand in the world with all these?
Is that there's nothing funny about Thanksgiving and if you do a video pointing out how boring something is you're making a boring video Oh, I guess a very small. What I'm thankful for is Just crap it out, right? We can just shoot some bullshit about us talking about Thanksgiving and put that out Should we get cameras in here? Do any of these cameras? Let's just you I mean we filmed it now I don't see why we'd recreate it if we're far as going or the song I can still go for the song Hey, I work in the office next-door-to-crack I don't I don't do funny videos, but they're just really loud all the time and I can't get my work done and They could just give this office two hours of some quiet time That would be that'd be something so subscribe so they can do more antics and jokes |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_krampus_on_kidnapping_naughty_children_snl | Hi. so how are you doing? Uh, I'm good. yeah, I'm a little burnt out. I'm just so, I'm wrapped up in this job, You know, it's like every year on Krampusnacht, I rise from hell, I run around, kidnap all the naughty children, and I just go home and check out. You know, Colin, you ever like watch Tv for five hours straight and then they go by and you've eaten 40 kids? wait, you eat the kids? Yeah, it's fine. I'm just like, what am I doing?
Okay, I just turned 936, they should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom and he was married.
I don't know, that just sounds like a lot of pressure. You know, Brene Brown has this great quote about shame. she says that it's the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room, right? And I was like, wow, like that really resonated with me. wow. Well, what do you mean? like who's shaming you? Oh, just how people in Bavaria like dress up as me, which I get it, it's funny, haha, but think about what you're doing for five seconds. you're making fun of my body, you're making fun of my livelihood, and I'm sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that's what we do. we don't protect queer voices in this country.
Oh, I'm sick. Oh, wait, I didn't. Oh, you're porn sickness? Oh, no, porn sickness. Oh, God, I hate this.
I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it's appropriate. And I'm sorry, miss that you're queer? Yeah, I'm a demon, Colin. I'm queer.
Okay, okay. you know, Sza has this great line on smoking on my ex pack. she says, them ho accusations weak, them bitch accusations true. And that really resonated with me. Because yeah, what I do for work isn't great. But like my therapist always says, Krampus, your job is to punish children, not yourself. And who's your therapist? Ghislaine Maxwell. Oh, wow. she's, she's your therapist because she's not dead. she commutes, Colin. Oh, it's hard. Okay, I'm running around Central Europe, on foot by myself. and I'm self reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. my mother was a teacher. Oh, well, what did she teach? how to eat kids. As much as I want to quiet quit. I still show up. And I do the work.
Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. maybe you should try it sometime. water's warm. You know, my friend, the demon Azazel has a great quote about self acceptance. he says that really resonated with me. Krampus, everyone. |
dropout | hair_raising_truths_sponsored | Hey guys, Adam from College Humor here, and look, men and women have been a mystery to each other for generations. I'm here at Axe's live show, Splitting Hairs, at the New York Comedy Festival, and I'm going to find out the truth about the opposite sex and dating. Let's go!
What do you think is the first thing a girl notices about you? About me personally? Uh, yeah. Come on, have you seen this hair? What's the first thing that you notice about a girl?
Be honest. It's got to be the testicles. Yeah, alright. An honest man.
How long is too long for a guy to style his hair in the morning? Um, anything longer than me. Anytime longer than me. Longer than me.
That's what every girl says. What would you call your personal style? Like sexy professor? Yeah, that's exactly it.
Do you think you have a harder or an easier time meeting girls if you shaved your head? Definitely harder. I think that would be a little difficult.
Yeah, you think so? I think, yeah.
I got lumps and scars and all kinds of stuff. Much harder.
Yeah. Why's that? It's not a good look. I notice you got shaved head. Yeah. Right?
Do you find that makes it harder to meet women?
No, not at all. No? Not at all.
They're into it? Yeah.
Is there any hairstyle that's a deal breaker for you on a guy? Uh, yeah, like short hair and no hair. Yeah, no hair is shaved. You don't like bald guys?
No. In fact, they dig rubbing it. If you see a girl across the room, you haven't talked to her yet, but you notice something about her that's a total deal breaker. What is that thing? All right. Yeah, I would agree. That's definitely a deal breaker.
No eyes. She's got no eyes.
That might work in my advantage. If you're just starting to see a guy and he texts you after 2 a.m., is that a red flag?
Yeah, that's a booty call. That's a booty call.
All right. You just saw the show. What do you learn tonight?
Hair is the most important thing. When they take care of their bodily features, they can be more attractive. Has tonight changed your life, or will it maybe change your hairstyle? Uh, it definitely made me understand the female brain a lot better.
All right. And I'm going to grow that hair out now. All right, well, there you have it. I told you at the beginning of this video that I would solve the mystery of the opposite sex, and I am clearly a liar. All right, yeah, I would agree.
That's definitely a deal breaker.
No eyes. She's got no eyes.
That might work in my advantage. If you're just starting to see a guy and he texts you after 2 a.m., is that a red flag?
Yeah, that's a booty call. That's a booty call.
All right. You just saw the show. What do you learn tonight?
Hair is the most important thing. When they take care of their bodily features, they can be more attractive. Has tonight changed your life, or will it maybe change your hairstyle? Uh, it definitely made me understand the female brain a lot better.
All right. And I'm going to grow that hair out now. All right, well, there you have it.
I told you at the beginning of this video that I would solve the mystery of the opposite sex, and I am clearly a liar. |
dropout | Ultramechatron_Team_Go_Is_Back | Oh, my goodness. Never! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What the... What the fuck is wrong with this thing? Is there... Oh, it's lost the fucking signal. fuck.
Get ready to feel something! Like, emotionally, or... Armin, what the fuck are you doing? You have to be coordinated. There's only one person in charge. Absolutely. Let's run! Right foot, left foot. Hands on your knees, hands on your knees.
This is the cha-cha slide! Cha-cha slide! Cha-what slide?
I don't know. You are drunk. I've got this! Okay, I'm very good at driving. No! Oh, shit. I can shake it! Great, let's go crush the Ultra Megatron.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Feel your destiny! Wait, but we already changed to our street club. All of you! But we've already changed. Then go get changed again!
It's a giant, mighty kitty. She's a lot of war, but it can only be controlled by the chosen four. So now they're working hard and they're together in the Ultra Megatron. Ultimate Trapting Go! |
TheOnion | Health_Officials_Urging_Americans_To_Do_Something_Anything_For_30_Minutes_A_Day | A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services urges Americans to do something, anything at all. According to the study, getting off your ass and doing any sort of physical or mental activity could have positive health effects. Look, we're not expecting you to go to the gym. That's clearly not happening. Just walk outside for a few blocks and then come back home. You can bring potato chips if that's what it'll take. And if going outside is too hard, how about just walking to the window and looking outside? For many years, the health department has encouraged Americans to watch less TV. But this report reverses that, saying, It's expected that following the advice in this report will cut down on the largest cause of death among Americans, laying on your back until your mouth fills up with saliva and you drown. Following the report's release, the most popular exercise now seems to be masturbating. But researchers warn that if you do it in public, stick to the sidewalk or you might get hit by cars. |
TheOnion | Ex_FDA_Official_Confirms_Existence_Of_Vegetables | My name is Ronald J. Freely, and I'm a former official in the federal government. I've come here today at great risk to my personal safety to uncover a truth long withheld from the American public, because the people deserve to know what's out there.
Despite what you've been told, vegetables do exist. Vegetables are real. For decades, the FDA has knowingly kept evidence of the existence of leafy greens and starchy root vegetables tightly classified, silencing anyone who tried to come forward with evidence of spinach, potatoes, or carrot-type entities. I myself have personally substantiated thousands of accounts from otherwise sane, credible Americans who claim to have had a close, personal encounter with a vegetable and live to tell about it. Thirty years ago, the U.S. government enlisted an elite squad of FDA officials to head Project Green Tube, an effort to catalog and understand sightings of unidentified food objects that could not otherwise be explained. And while it was presented to us as a covert operation in the interest of national security, I have now come to realize that I was duped into participating in a full-blown cover-up by the United States government to conceal the existence of vegetables. In the restricted facility where I worked in Virginia, there is a refrigeration unit containing authenticated physical samples of multiple vegetable specimens found over the course of our investigations. There is even a room where they place some of these non-meat biologics on a table and slice them open.
I admit that for a long time I was complicit in hiding this information from the general public, but you have to understand, if people knew how many of these things were among us, hiding in plain sight in our grocery stores, and in some cases, our own goddamn homes, well, who knows how they may have reacted. All hell would have broken loose. The reason I've come forward today is that more and more we're now finding traces of these grotesque vegetal anomalies inside our own bodies, even our children's bodies.
And you deserve to know. |
cracked | 5_reasons_movies_keep_getting_worse | Pickle lane, dick nuts! Hi, sorry, I just I saw whatever the most popular movie is right now and ran like Five blocks to tell you how much it sucked and now my lungs and mouth feel like old lava Hey some water please Jesus oh Shouldn't have eaten so much popcorn while running anyway Five basic ways every movie sucks now look Breaking the rules is okay If you're deliberately trying to subvert someone's expectations or just really don't want to pay for something and sure old Lava would technically just be rocks But in terms of cinema there are some fundamental rules that modern movies are completely ignoring load-bearing rules The kind that when kicked away leave a giant rubble of turds just gross turds.
Oh Oh look everyone.
It's a time traveler from forever ago when I asked for this Thanks, John Smith that is It's not water number five stop withholding simple backstory film school 101 If your character finds some magic object or is thrown into a crazy adventure It's pretty important to explain why that thing is happening Luke gets his family lightsaber from Obi-Wan Who has it because he's an old friend of his father's the t-800 was captured and reprogrammed by the resistance to protect John Connor These are bare minimum explanations for why a plot point is being sent to motion and yet decades later Where'd you get that? a good question For another time program by who huh who sent him back those files have been erased. Oh, that's convenient What a Story for another time that's a story for right goddamn now mass You goddamn butthole eyed she Yoda and yes John Connor It is very convenient that no one knows why the main catalyst of the film is happening Nice job pointing that out because if a character points out how your film is It doesn't mean the writers failed to take literally five minutes to think of an explanation Rather it just means it's not anymore like the Schrodinger's cat of hack work Schrodinger's crap It's okay this is extra infuriating when a franchise uses time travel to reboot itself and the explanation for why the same characters would coincidentally come together is just Magic or fate or because the producers said so dear.
God.
We're making a bad movie number four deleted scenes and bonus material Shouldn't be required viewing at two hours and 30 minutes Batman lowercase V Superman Cole and dawn of justice was more drawn out and disorienting than a funhouse Colonoscopy don't try it. It's terrible. Luckily the three-hour ultimate edition has been praised by fans for making sense and Telling a coherent story remember that opening scene when Superman rescues Lois from a murderous Nairobi general and gets inexplicably Blamed for the carnage it turns out that in a deleted scene henchman Bono burnt the bodies with a flamethrower to make it look like Superman Used his heat vision to waste fools Another cutscene showed Superman flying off after the capital explosion and causing the media to speculate that he was involved These are two very crucial scenes for explaining the entire purpose of the film and you can only see them as deleted scenes in the extended cut Quick tip if getting your theatrical run time down to a reasonable length requires you to hack off a bunch of vital information You made a bad movie deleted scenes are supposed to be deleted because they aren't necessary This is why we have something called pre-production where a script is written approved and then filmed instead of scrambled at the last second like a hundred million dollar High school diorama same thing goes for any easter eggs viral marketing or cast interviews I shouldn't have to google additional details to understand who a character is or what their motivations are that scene in B Lowercase VS colon DOJ where that CIA operative gets shot that guy was Jimmy Olson Zack Snyder said so in an interview After the movie came out explaining that he thought it'd be a neat little easter egg for fans except that's not an easter egg It's a gross misinterpretation of a beloved character that you immediately shoot dead and no one would even know if you didn't mention it If you have to do press events explaining what happened in your movie, you made a bad movie another Not fast enough Are you in crutches or something Jesus number three mystery boxes are fucking clowns?
They are mystery boxes are clowns meaning the literal shit of clowns digested party cake and mint schnapps in a bundle on the floor a Festive party squat in case you have no idea what a mystery box is allow the master to explain So one of the things that I bought at the magic store was this Tannen's mystery magic box $15 Buys you $50 worth of magic. I bought this decades ago, and I'm not kidding if you look at this You'll see it's never been opened when I started to think that maybe there are times when mystery is More important than knowledge you hear that future writers Mystery is more important than knowledge a lot of cases that can be true like the briefcase in pulp fiction or the contents of the cup I'm holding Tastes like rusty tractor only here's the thing about that unopened mystery box that JJ bought at a magic store It was sold as $50 worth of magic for only 15 bucks And as the New York Times discovered is actually filled with plastic garbage The thing is that that it represents infinite possibility It represents hope it represents potential. No, it doesn't Jeffrey Jacob the specific mystery box You're referring to literally represents a marketing gimmick it represents a magic store trying to creatively sell a bunch of cheap crap They couldn't get off the shelves by calling it a mystery and overstating its value which ironically and hopefully obviously at this point is a great metaphor for how you make movies There's actually a very real chance Cloverfield was named after the street JJ Abrams office was on but the initial teaser completely withheld that Information solely because it made the film look way more mysterious by doing so without all the mystery hype around this film or super 8 Then you're left with some well-made but fairly forgettable monster movies and JJ Abrams knows this which is why he keeps stuffing his average into grandiose riddler packages to him the idea of a mystery box is to simply withhold random information in order to make the plot seem more important my name is Wow, what a dramatic reveal that makes zero sense in the context of the story to anyone watching that 50 years from now This line reading is just gonna seem weird and hammy because played entirely for contemporary Star Trek fans And if you're making a movie that only makes sense in context of the marketing and fan culture of the time You're making a bad movie number two.
Hey, maybe make likable characters with actual arcs Character arcs are simple you start with a flaw and desire then you overturn their expectations and from that the character grows and eventually changes Their behavior like if someone starts out a jerk They might learn to respect others by getting their needs fulfilled in a way they didn't expect Whatever dip so let's look at a classic example like Alan Grant and Jurassic Park Grant starts with a contempt for children Which he demonstrates by publicly slashing into child's genitals with a monster's claw But then he's forced to either run away like the cowardly lawyer or protect Lex and Tim from the t-rex Fighting every urge to slash with their junks grant learns the merits of parenthood and eventually casts away his genital mutilating lizard hook The film ends with all three characters huddled together having earned a bond along the way Compare that to Claire in Jurassic World who also hates children But saw from her nephews in the first 10 minutes of the film never seeing them again until an hour and 20 minutes later during that Time she has a love story subplot with Chris Pratt and the kids end up saving themselves from the jungle and when they finally reunite Claire doesn't immediately greet them because she's too busy tonguing Star Lord The film closes with her petting their heads like it's some kind of payoff to an arc that just isn't there there are entire arcs That completely dropped halfway through this movie And if you don't think this matters go ahead and ask yourself how many Jurassic World characters You can actually name versus Jurassic Park or hell just try to name a single likable horror movie protagonist in the last 15 years or compare Luke Skywalker's Jedi learning curve to Ray's Non-existent one in The Force Awakens. She masters the mystical force like it's Four square in the playground and to everyone commenting they'll explain it in the next movie her past is mysterious I say All the stuff I've already said and will say anyway this lack of development is what happens when studios try to make every movie part Of an episodic cinematic universe Spock and Uhura need to constantly have relationship problems Iron Man needs to remain Ideologically contrasted with Captain America Wolverine needs to constantly be at war with his past the same mistakes are made over and over again So that nothing gets concluded for the next film nothing changes nothing ends It's hell. This is hell and if your audience feels like they're an awakened purgatory You've made a bad movie number one films are supposed to end quick lesson on cliffhangers you ready? This is not a cliffhanger This is prematurely ending the last scene so everyone has to see the next film to know what happened Actual cliffhangers are supposed to be a dramatic and ambiguous moment that sets up the next movie of a series Ideally this should come as a surprise to the audience which is damn near impossible Thanks to studios calling their shots ten films in advance Imagine how less cool the x-men Phoenix teaser would have been if Bryan Singer had already told us about it years in advance and this Modern lack of surprise cuts to the heart of everything I've said in this video the mystery box Viral marketing deleted scenes incomplete plot details and character development are all indicative of films No longer having a preconceived beginning middle and most importantly end when franchises Don't end each film starts becoming a commercial for the next one and stops being a complete and self-contained story Star Wars was special not only because it captured our imagination and pew pew pew and all that but because there were only three of them It was fleeting and finite and therefore created real tension for the audience if you don't end your story then nothing matters There's no real stakes when we know the good guys and bad guys will be fighting forever No one will ever die or change or settle down your franchise will become Meaningless schlock like the hellraiser sequels or a daytime soap opera and eventually it will end not because you planned out a perfect ending But because everyone will get sick of it. It'll fizzle out Anti-climactic and messy and you'll be left with nothing particularly memorable You're killing the basic storytelling principles that made these series beloved in the first place in order to suck them dry for money Monsters it's gasoline by the way Been drinking gasoline this whole time Stick that in your goddamn mystery box Hey guys, thanks for watching that hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history I know that's the sort of thing you typically hear from a 50 year old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are Beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really Interesting even to a person who's never been to an orgy.
Anyways, that's not just a the more you know style public service announcement It's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday February 11th 7 p.m Me and Michael swam Teresa Lee are gonna be talking to dr Christopher Ryan who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long long time ago when Humans were just starting to You know tickets are seven dollars.
They usually sell it pretty quickly So click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you of clowns digested party cake and mint schnapps in a bundle on the floor a Festive party squat in case you have no idea what a mystery box is allow the master to explain So one of the things that I bought at the magic store was this Tannins mystery magic box $15 buys You $50 worth of magic. I bought this decades ago, and I'm not kidding if you look at this You'll see it's never been opened when I started to think that maybe there are times when mystery is More important than knowledge you hear that future writers Mystery is more important than knowledge a lot of cases that can be true like the briefcase in pulp fiction or the contents of the Cup I'm holding Tastes like rusty tractor only here's the thing about that unopened mystery box that JJ bought at a magic store It was sold as $50 worth of magic for only 15 bucks And as the New York Times discovered is actually filled with plastic garbage the thing is that that it represents infinite possibility It represents hope it represents potential. No it doesn't Jeffrey Jacob the specific mystery box You're referring to literally represents a marketing gimmick it represents a magic store trying to creatively sell a bunch of cheap crap They couldn't get off the shelves by calling it a mystery and overstating its value which ironically and hopefully Obviously at this point is a great metaphor for how you make movies There's actually a very real chance Cloverfield was named after the street JJ Abrams office was on but the initial teaser completely withheld that information Solely because it made the film look way more mysterious by doing so without all the mystery hype around this film or super eight Then you're left with some well-made but fairly forgettable monster movies and JJ Abrams knows this which is why he keeps stuffing his average Wears into grandiose riddler packages to him the idea of a mystery box is to simply withhold random Information in order to make the plot seem more important.
My name is Wow what a dramatic reveal that makes zero sense in the context of the story to anyone watching that 50 years from now This line reading is just gonna seem weird and hammy because played entirely for contemporary Star Trek fans And if you're making a movie that only makes sense in context of the marketing and fan culture of the time You're making a bad movie. Number two. Hey, maybe make likable characters with actual arcs Character arcs are simple you start with a flaw and desire Then you overturn their expectations and from that the character grows and eventually changes their behavior Like if someone starts out a jerk, they might learn to respect others by getting their needs fulfilled in a way they didn't expect Whatever dip so let's look at a classic example like Alan Grant and Jurassic Park grant starts with a contempt for children Which he demonstrates by publicly slashing into child's genitals with a monster's claw But then he's forced to either run away like the cowardly lawyer or protect Lex and Tim from the t-rex Fighting every urge to slash with their junks grant learns the merits of parenthood and eventually casts away his genital mutilating lizard hook The film ends with all three characters huddled together having earned a bond along the way compare that to Claire In Jurassic World who also hates children but saw from her nephews in the first 10 minutes of the film never seeing them again until an hour And 20 minutes later during that time She has a love story subplot with Chris Pratt and the kids end up saving themselves from the jungle and when they finally reunite Claire doesn't immediately greet them because she's too busy tonguing Star-Lord the film closes with her petting their heads Like it's some kind of payoff to an arc that just isn't there there are entire arcs that completely dropped halfway through this movie And if you don't think this matters go ahead and ask yourself how many Jurassic World characters you can actually name versus Jurassic Park Or hell just try to name a single likable horror movie protagonist in the last 15 years or compare Luke Skywalker's Jedi learning curve to raise Non-existent one in The Force Awakens. She masters the mystical force like it's Foursquare in the playground and to everyone commenting. They'll explain it in the next movie her past is mysterious.
I say All the stuff I've already said and will say anyway This lack of development is what happens when studios try to make every movie part of an episodic cinematic universe Spock and Uhura need to constantly have relationship problems iron man needs to remain Ideologically contrasted with Captain America Wolverine needs to constantly be at war with his past the same mistakes are made over and over again So that nothing gets concluded for the next film nothing changes nothing ends It's hell. This is hell and if your audience feels like they're an awakened purgatory You've made a bad movie number one films are supposed to end quick lesson on cliffhangers. You ready? This is not a cliffhanger This is prematurely ending the last scene so everyone has to see the next film to know what happened Actual cliffhangers are supposed to be a dramatic and ambiguous moment that sets up the next movie of a series Ideally this should come as a surprise to the audience which is damn near impossible Thanks to studios calling their shots ten films in advance Imagine how less cool the x-men Phoenix teaser would have been if Bryan Singer had already told us about it years in advance and this Modern lack of surprise cuts to the heart of everything I've said in this video the mystery box viral marketing deleted scenes incomplete plot details and character Development are all indicative of films. No longer having a preconceived beginning middle and most importantly end when franchises Don't end each film starts becoming a commercial for the next one and stops being a complete and self-contained story Star Wars was special not only because it captured our imagination and pew pew pew and all that but because there were only three of them It was fleeting and finite and therefore created real tension for the audience if you don't end your story then nothing matters There's no real stakes when we know the good guys and bad guys will be fighting forever No one will ever die or change or settle down your franchise will become Meaningless schlock like the hellraiser sequels or a daytime soap opera and eventually it will end not because you planned out a perfect ending But because everyone will get sick of it. It'll fizzle out Anti-climactic and messy and you'll be left with nothing particularly memorable You're killing the basic storytelling principles that made these series beloved in the first place in order to suck them dry for money You fucking monsters gasoline by the way Been drinking gasoline this whole time Stick that in your gun then mystery box Hey guys, thanks for watching that hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history I know that's the sort of thing you typically hear from a 50 year old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are Beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting even to a person Who's never been to an orgy anyways?
That's not just a the more you know style public service announcement. It's what our live podcast is about this month So Saturday February 11th 7 p.m Me and Michael swam Teresa Lee are gonna be talking to dr Christopher Ryan who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long long time ago when humans were just starting to You know tickets are seven dollars. They usually sell it pretty quickly So click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you |
SaturdayNightLive | community_affairs_cold_open_snl | You're watching New York One because your Wi-fi is down later.
College students have been protesting Israel's actions in Gaza on campus across the nation.
Tonight we'll be discussing with my guests who are parents of college students here in New York. Join me in welcoming the new school parent Doug Hoving Ryan happy to be here. Hunter College Mom Sarah Hines. Hi. yeah, thanks for having me and Columbia University dad Alphonse Roberts hi Ryan and hello to my wife. Thank you all for being here, so let's just dive in.
Now as parents, how do you feel about these protests on campus, Sarah? we'll start with you. Well, for me, it's been tough now. I'm all for free speech, but I don't understand what they think they're accomplishing and that's really putting a strain on me and my daughter's relationship. Yeah, I want to let my son make his own choices. but to be honest, it's a little scary. These protests are becoming way more aggressive. Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, my daughter is an adult and has to live her own life. Well, I think it's just great, You know, it's wonderful. Nothing makes me prouder than young people using their voices to fight for what they believe in. Wow, that's very encouraging, Alphonse. your daughter must feel so supported when she's out there. What's that now? when whose daughter is out there at the protest?
No, no, no, no man, you bugging Alexis? Vanessa Roberts better have her butt in class. Let me find out she in one of them damn tents instead of the dorm room that I pay for.
I thought you were in favor of the student protest brother, man. I am supportive of Y'all's kids protesting. Not my kids, my kids. No better shoe. Alexis, Vanessa ain't crazy. Well, Alphonse, your daughter attends Columbia. what do you think about the students that took over Hamilton Hall? that's good for y'all's kids. but they mine. That's all I'm saying. they ain't my kids.
You feel me, right? Yes, I feel you, Alphonse. But tell me, with the rise in attendance in these protests, how does it make you feel to see the increase in police presence?
Sarah? are you concerned about students being arrested? Very concerned. I mean, one of my worst fears is my daughter getting thrown behind bars. This is a crucial time in her life and I'd hate for her to have an arrest follow her forever.
Man, I ain't worried about five. Oh, that is not my business. my business is Alexis Vanessa Roberts. Okay, she ain't talking about no free, this free that cuz I tell you what ain't free, Columbia.
Do y'all know that they got the nerve to want 68,000 a year? I mean, look, we totally respect their right to protests, but I mean, we're also making sacrifices for our kids.
Yeah, I'm out here busing my hump to pay all that tuition. What do you do for a living sister Girl? I do it all. Uber all day, Uber eats all night, cut grass on the weekends, sell Gucci wallets out my trunk, like coaching on Ig, a bounty hunt whenever possible.
All of that, just so she can say she got a degree in African-american Studies. It's like little girl. you've been black your whole life. You know what it is. that's quite an investment in your daughter. Your damn skippy it is.
But Alexis Vanessa is gifted. she gonna change the world. Shoot. she damn sure better. I'm sure she will. So Doug. how do you? Yes, she will. She's worth every penny.
And I know I sound mad right about now. But you just wait until graduation when you see that smile across my face when I hear that name Alexis, Vanessa Roberts and I watch her walk across that stage. Alphonse, I don't think you get it. I actually heard a few schools are fully canceling their graduation ceremonies. Sister Girl, I don't think you get it.
Alexis Vanessa will be graduated even if I gotta do it myself. Believe me when I tell you that at the end of this month, I am putting on my church clothes, three pumps of cool water, cologne smelling good as a mug, and then Bam! I'm hopping in my 98 Ford Explorer blasting some Anita Baker and you better believe I'ma be in there hooting and hollering after they explicitly told us to wait. To the end. Wow, got it all planned out. yeah, you could take that to the back. This girl started her college during Kovat, had me out here paying 68,000 the dollars for tuition, and she in my house taking classes on Zoom, learning about the applied history of the Bet awards. And if you don't want Columbia gonna be on the news or something else, that's all I know.
Yeah, thanks for having me and Columbia University Dad, Alphonse Roberts, hi Ryan and hello to my wife. Thank you all for being here!
So, let's just dive in. now, as parents, how do you feel about these protests on campus, Sarah? we'll start with you. Well, for me, it's been tough Now I'm all for a free speech, but I don't understand what they think they're accomplishing and that's really putting a strain on me and my daughter's relationship. Yeah, I want to let my son make his own choices. but to be honest, it's a little scary. These protests are becoming way more aggressive. Yeah, right, but at the end of the day, my daughter is an adult and has to live her own life. Well, I think it's just great, You know, it's wonderful. Nothing makes me prouder than young people using their voices to fight for what they believe in. Wow, that's very encouraging, Alphonse. your daughter must feel so supported when she's out there. What's that now? when whose daughter is out there at the protest?
No, no, no, no, man, you bugging Alexis Vanessa Roberts better have her butt in class. Let me find out, she ain't one of them damn tents instead of the dorm room that I pay for. Wait, I thought you were in favor of the student protest brother, Man. I am supportive of Y'all's kids protesting. Not my kids, my kids. No better shoe. Alexis Vanessa ain't crazy. Well, Alphonse, your daughter attends Columbia. what do you think about the students that took over Hamilton Hall? that's good for y'all's kids. But they ain't mine. that's all I'm saying. they ain't my kids.
You feel me, right? Yes, I feel you, Alphonse. But tell me, with the rise in attendance in these protests, how does it make you feel to see the increase in police presence?
Sarah? are you concerned about students being arrested? Very concerned. I mean, one of my worst fears is my daughter getting thrown behind bars. This is a crucial time in her life, and I'd hate for her to have an arrest follow her forever.
Man, I ain't worried about five. Oh, that is Not my business. my business is Alexis Vanessa Roberts, Okay? She ain't talking about no free, this free that cuz I tell you what ain't free, Columbia.
Do y'all know that they got the nerve to want 68,000 a year? I mean, look, we totally respect their right to protests, but I mean, we're also making sacrifices for our kids.
Yeah, I'm out here busing my hump to pay all that tuition. What do you do for a living sister girl? I do it all. Uber all day, Uber eats all night, cut grass on the weekends, sell Gucci wallets out my trunk, like coaching on Ig, a bounty hunt whenever possible.
All of that just so she can say she got a degree in African-american studies. It's like little girl. you've been black your whole life. You know what it is. That's quite an investment in your daughter. Your damn skippy it is.
But Alexis Vanessa is gifted. she gonna change the world. Shoot. she damn sure better. I'm sure she will. So Doug. how do you? Yes? Yes, she will. She's worth every penny. and I know I sound mad right about now, but you just wait until graduation When you see that smile across my face when I hear that name Alexis Vanessa Roberts, and I watch her walk across that stage.
Alphonse, I don't think you get it. I actually heard a few schools are fully canceling their graduation ceremonies. Sister Girl, I don't think you get it.
Alexis Vanessa will be graduated, even if I gotta do it myself. Believe me when I tell you that at the end of this month. I am putting on my church clothes, three pumps of cool water, cologne smelling good as a mug, and then Bam. I'm hopping in my 98 Ford Explorer blasting some Anita Baker and you better believe I'ma be in there hooting and hollering after the explicitly told us to wait till the end. That's all I know. Wow, got it all planned out. yeah, you could take that to the back. This girl started her college during Covid, had me out here paying $68,000 for tuition, and she in my house taking classes on Zoom learning about the applied history of the Bet awards. If you don't want Columbia gonna be on the news or something else, that's all I know. You. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_giuliani_s_148_million_defamation_ruling_biden_and_obama_s_obamacare_video_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. thank you. Good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After being found liable for defamation against two Georgia election workers, Rudy Giuliani was ordered yesterday to pay the hilarious sum of $148 million. you might as well just make it a billion, because there's no way he can pay it. At this point, they only called Giuliani, the Mayor of 9-11 because that's all that's left in his bank account. Giuliani, amazingly seen here in better times, said during the trial that it was an accident that he attacked the plaintiffs repeatedly on social media, with the judge noting, there's a lot of accidents going on. said Giuliani, oh, you could smell that? Yesterday, President Biden released a new video with Barack Obama in which they remind people that Obamacare is still available, but according to polls, people really want to know if Obama is still available. During Congress's final day before the holiday break, the house passed legislation that would end a ban on whole milk in school cafeterias. Finally, let's get these kids thick. Republican Rep. Derek Van Orden, who looks like if Santa stormed the Capitol, argued in front of legislation to bring whole milk back to school cafeterias, saying that almond milk wasn't milk because, quote, milk comes from a mammal. Then he whipped out his nipple and said, allow me to demonstrate. Oh, man. officials at Harvard announced that School President Dr. Claudine Gaye will keep her job after she apologized for her poorly received congressional testimony in which she seemed to downplay campus anti-semitism. in her heartfelt statement, Gaye said, quote, did I do that? Nikki Haley received an endorsement from New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu, which would be helpful if anyone knew who that was. a new report shows that for the first time, the majority of billionaires last year received their fortunes through family inheritance. And not to brag, but I inherited my family's learning disabilities. a Christmas photo released by the Royal Family features a bad photoshop job where Prince Louis' finger appears to be missing. And this is sweet. Meghan Markle said she has a finger they can use if they need it. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_christmas | In today's episode, mortals desire to run through when it's orch Christmas be stopped. I am special! Give me Xboxes and endless positive reinforcement! Oh, glorious leader. As true Korea's handsomest medicine doctor, can you tell us why our child has turned ugly and self-indulgent? I'm sorry to say, but heat has positive for...Western decadence.
But how? We were so careful. Hmm, wait. What is the date today? It is, of course.
Kim Jong-un is great at handstands day. All know that on this day, Kim Jong-un held a handstand for a world record of almost five seconds.
So, by the corrupt Western calendar it is...gas. December 24th, you don't think? Oh.
Trying to corrupt the youth of true Korea again, Lord Satan Claus? Thanks to me, the world's children are all spoiled and ungrateful. True Korea will be no exception. For the London, take them. We pleasure, master. Please, spare me. I know that there's one gift you've always wanted. That the great Kim Jong-il will never get for you. Disney McMouse ears. Nice try, but Kim Jong-un has long since purged such childish weakness from his noble frame. Second glass is still coming to town. Oh, no. If these presents reach the children, they will be ruined. They will want careers in the arts and protein in their diet.
That's all. Hey, Perry, Mary, Kim Jong-un is great at handstands day 2-0. Hand 2-0. Hey, goodnight. And that is how, as midnight passed, it became Kim Jong-un is also pretty good at somersaults day. Our glorious leader saved us from materialism and needless desire.
Curfew violation!
Violators must be punished. Truly, this is for our own good. |
dropout | st_valentine_s_day_isn_t_sexy | Well, I bet you three have some big plans lined up for the night, huh? What?
You know, it's Valentine's Day. Yes, it is Saint Valentine's Day. Saint Valentine. Yea, that holy man, Saint Valentine of Rome. Yea, we honor him today. Oh, Valentine, yea.
Seriously? You three are a bunch of horned up sex hounds on every other day like Father's Day. Daddy's Day? And Cyber Monday? Oh, Cyber Yes. Practically once a week in general. Thursday, Thursday.
But today is the one holiday that's actually sexy. Sexy?
No. No! disrespect this holiest of days with sexual intercourse. It is a holy day. Really? Because the last time that you said a day was holy, you then said that it was a day to get your holes filled? Ah! Raph, please stop blaspheming, okay? Two days a day of religious observance.
He is come. He is come!
Please, Raphael, some respect. He's the saint of romance, marriage, and love. And he's also the saint of beekeeping. And that's who we decide to honor today. And that's what you find sexy, do you? Look at him. His twisted mind delights in imagining the sticky, sweet flesh of the beekeeper.
You guys really aren't doing anything sexy tonight? I mean, if you must get personal, I do plan on making love. Okay, there we go. By which I mean I will create a general feeling of love within myself and send it up towards God in heaven. And I will make myself grow hard. So hard against temptation. And I will grab a bottle of oil and strip myself of pride and anoint the icon Saint Valentine on this holy day.
No, it's Valentine's Day. Valentine, yay. All the geeky shit that you guys were doing on every other day, that's what the day is for. Find someone you love.
We have. Light some candles. We will. Put on some music. We did.
And get nasty. You disgust me. Disgusting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to think about how bad I've been while I fog myself. But that's the kind of shit that turns you on.
Perhaps, yes. But today will be the one day I don't enjoy it. Oh, you're all impossible. Beth, if you could just respect this religious holiday today, and if you want to talk about sex, wait until March 5th. What's that, fat Tuesday?
It's thick Tuesday. No thick Tuesday. Thick and slick, baby.
Oh, what a fucking thing. Slid on it. There we go. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Oh, yeah. OK, that's too far. Casp, my man. Melted. All right, we don't need to get into this again.
It's still Valentine's. It's still safe Valentine's Day. |
SaturdayNightLive | clubb_traxx_saturday_night_live | Coming up next on Eurovision. it's club Tracks at 2209, Leipzig U and House Orchestra live from Ulm. at 2316 it's Buttsbankers. we're watching club tracks. I'm Birce Van Beers and we're showing you the curious videos for you to groove and get down to. it's really great.
Yeah, man. I tell you one thing. we have some great music in store for you tonight, right Lanyard? Yeah.
Terrible Dj to play funk.
Yeah. all right. Wow. Lanyard, you're fantastic. What are you doing? I like funk music. Like Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, wow. I love Red Hot Chili Peppers. it makes my day. it's punk, funk. Well, Birce, what do we have on the menu tonight? we are going to get in touch with an artist that is really hot right now on the scene, losers. please give it up for Krome. come on, Krome. Hey, Krome. join the party, Man. Wow. wow. wow. Wow. thank you very much. it's really great to be here tonight. Wow. So Krome, tell us about your number one smash hit with the Bullet. Everybody, wow. Well, the song is about my frustration with the aggressive tendencies of the United States to contract. Cool. Yeah, man. let's turn up your guns, America. Wow. Bang Bang. it's really great. Wow. you can say that enough, Lanyard.
Now, let's freak out to a clip from Krome's video. it's called Everybody Wow. Wow. Everybody Wow. Wow.
All right. Yes, that was really a masterpiece. you're definitely on your way to America to reach a grammy.
Krome. Wow. you better watch out. here comes Krome. America, here comes Krome.
Do you know what I like about America? things like Rock and Roll. Oh, no, Lanyard. there he goes again. Yeah. Rock and Roll. Rolling Stones.
Make a Drug. you are terrific. you're like a black man from the ghetto. Yes. I wish I was in California on my convertible corvette. Yeah, man. All right. Now let's go to the audience for some requests. Come on. Hello. Yeah. yeah. hello. I am Rice. I have 19 years and I come out of Rotterdam. Terrific. Yeah. okay. yeah. okay.
First, I want to say that I'm opposed to George Bush stationing weapons in Turkey to launch attacks on the Middle East. you know, it's like a keep America off European soil.
Wow. wow. And I'd like to request Jenny from the Block by Jennifer Lopez. that should be very, very beautiful song. I like it. I like a lot. Wow.
Hi. hi. Hi. I'm called Tikri. I'm from Finland.
And I want to say that recent comments made by British Foreign Minister Jack Straw were irresponsible and disloyal to the European Union.
And I would also like to request, I'm going to Get You Good by Shania Twain. I love Shania Twain. I love Shania Twain. she's very artistic.
Yeah. that's right. What about you, Leonard? what song is your favorite? my favorite song is the Blue. Oh no. I've got the Blue. Yeah. I've got the Blue. I've got the blue. Yeah.
Fantastic. we'll be right back. we'll be right back with your favorite request. Navy, Chrome, do you think? |
Reductressnews | reductress_interviews_the_stars_of_lisa_frankenstein | Hi, I'm Mariah with Reductress, and I am here with Katherine Newton, and Cole Sprouse, stars of Lisa Frankenstein. I wish I was with you.
Ah! Oh my gosh! It worked!
I'm wondering, if you could raise one hot person from the dead, who would it be and why? Ben Franklin would be up there. Ben Franklin is a really good one. Ben Franklin, I mean, notoriously promiscuous. Really? But the French loved him. Ben's swinging his Franklin, that's what I like. Are there any hot people that would be too dangerous to bring back, because their hotness would be too much for us?
Genghis Khan. Mm! Genghis Khan.
You know, he sired a lot of children. Was he like Nick Cannon? It's funny, that was the only parallel that I was thinking about.
Are you hot burning me? Lisa! We have some dating questions that our readers sent in. I've had a lot of trouble dating and meeting guys over the years, and I'm starting to think that the problem is because I'm dead. Are you guys into that? Or should I wait for someone who likes me for who I am? Maybe just kill them. Oh!
And we are open to helping. There's room in the coffin. Put that on a plaque. I think they have. I really like this guy, but he and his five closest friends disappear every blood moon and don't come back for weeks on end. Yeah. I've been there. Now, this is now getting into relationship diversity. Do you think he's poly, and should I still go for it? You just gotta get on their schedule. You have to accept people for who they are. I'm a firm believer that you need to show interest. Yeah.
As an example, I think showing up to their house shows initiative. To get me to do this movie, he showed up to my house. Knock, knock.
I love that. That's sweet.
I've been dating this guy for about a month now, but I'm realizing his politics are kind of regressive. He doesn't think women should vote and has really strong feelings about President Martin Van Buren. I'm a Democrat. Should I try to work through it or dump him? He sounds Victorian, huh? Sounds like a zombie. I think if you find them attractive, I think you can get past the Martin Van Buren. I can't do that.
Not until we bury the body. Yeah, I mean, he has experience with zombies more so than I do. I know how to pull a zombie in and keep them. You give them body parts.
Oh, come on. Again, nothing but a word.
I feel like I'm in church. You guys, thank you so much. And this is amazing advice. And you inspire me to get back on Hinge and find my person. |
SaturdayNightLive | t_t_and_mario_s_new_album_snl | Mmm, hello. hello, as well, from me. If you're a central couple like us, you need music that's gonna get you in the mood. The mood for S-e-c-k-s. Sex. And for decades, no duo has been getting people in the mood quite like T.t. and Mario. back in the 70s, T.t. and Mario gave us classic hits like Royal Love. You are my Princess. and you are the knight that slayed the dragon. come into my castle and bring that booty to your king.
T.t. and Mario were the soundtrack to our sexual lives, but now they're going on almost 30 years of marriage. and I bet they are sonically exploring the hell out of that. are you psychic? Cause, yeah. with songs so real, they're right, but they might also be wrong. that's confusing. songs like, cooking. Oh, baby. thank you for the delicious food. it really shows you care. But out of respect, let's hold up on sex, cause I'm gonna take a nap on the toilet. with two days full. Wow. not sexy, but it sure was relatable. If you can relate, you're gonna love T.t. and Mario's new Cd. married too long, booty in the rear view. Is booty in the rear view a fun, sexy pun? No. let's listen to this ditty called, booty on time.
9.30. I'm in the bathroom. 10.30. I'm on a zoom. 11.30. my mom's in town. 12.30. Well, I'm in the bathroom again.
Well, we tried. we tried.
And don't miss the song that's currently charting on the Billboard top 100 million. it's called, let's take a Bath Together. Ooh, that sounds sexy. don't get your hopes up. let's take a bath together. I can give you a massage. How about this, I bathe alone and you can sit back and watch.
Well, that's a deal. that was shorter than I expected. sure was. But not every song is about how sex gets to be a chore deep into marriage. I'm listening.
T.t. and Mario also did songs for several movie soundtracks like this one from Oppenheimer called, boom. boom, pow, call me a girl, Lay your body on top of mine. Ooh, ow, ow, my back. get the hell up off of me. Oh my God, we just invented a bomb.
Was that song in a movie? Yes, it played in the lobby on the way out. I love lobby music.
T.t. and Mario had so many songs for long-term couples like, fell asleep during foreplay. Can you shower first? the kids are still awake. I'm just gonna lay here and let's start together, but finish on our own. But they got really freaky when Mario asked T.t. to mix things up in threesome. I'm almost scared to say it again.
But should we bring in a herd? Who were you thinking? that little old lady from work? I can go on and get 16, You can get some sleep. I'll say okay in the moment and then I'm gonna key a G. My deeper's on fire So order.
Married Too Long Booty in the rearview today and T.t. and Mario will deliver each Cd to your house personally unless they are too tired or in the bathroom. T.t. and Mario Married Too Long Booty in the rearview. The whole album is only 9 minutes. |
TheOnion | Government_Issued_PSA_Urging_Teens_To_Fuck_Their_Brains_Out | Did you know that one out of every four teenagers reports not having their brains fucked out on a day-to-day basis? Did you know that 35% of high school girls report that they've only had sex with one or two partners a year instead of having the living shit fucked out of them by any guy they see? Did you know that only half of all 17-year-old males report fucking without a condom even though it's really the only way to go? There are thousands of American teenagers today who are unaware of the full benefits of fucking your brains out all day, every day. These otherwise average high schoolers haven't been taught about fucking every chance you get, pounding each other dry, and never ever pulling out. Every sexually active high school student should know this stuff. Ditch the condoms because it's always better raw.
Stop worrying about STDs. They'll find a cure eventually.
Fuck every chance you get. Just keep fucking and fucking and fucking. Boyfriends, girlfriends, strangers, doesn't matter who. And most importantly, be direct with your partner about how badly you want to fuck their brains out. I really want to fuck your brains out. I really want to fuck your brains out too. Do you want to get your brains fucked out? Yes. |
dropout | it_s_my_right_to_hold_this_turd | And then I said, no, this is the deepest lake in the world.
All right guys, we should start the meeting.
Oh my God, what is that smell? Yeah, it smells like someone took a dump in here. How strange.
Oh no, oh no, it's poop. You're holding a turd. It's your own turd. Oh, look at that, I'm holding a turd.
Get rid of it. You can just keep it right out of your head. Hang on a second, let's figure out what's going on. What do you mean, throw it out?
Play in the toilet. I may be holding a turd, but that doesn't make it suddenly OK for all of you to scream at me. Maybe you are holding a turd.
There's no question here. Well, let's say that I am. What's sudden right?
Does that give you to basically dehumanize me? Because you're holding a turd, you sick freak. Wow, Rekha. So now anyone with a difference of opinion about what objects to hold or not hold is a sick freak? Difference of opinions?
That is not what this is. That's a turd. OK, so you're saying that we're all holding turds.
What's he doing? What's he doing with his words?
It's mind poison. He learned how to argue from the internet.
Don't listen to him.
Does that sound like something an open-minded person would say? You don't need to be open-minded, friend, and you're holding a turd. Don't need to be open-minded. Stop. Wait, do we need to be open-minded about this?
No. He's making a good point. He's not. It's word magic that he learned from a fountain of lies. Don't heed him.
Can I just point something out real quick? The very first time I stepped out a line, you all jumped on me the second I wasn't conforming. Do you know who else thought exactly like that? Oh, if you mention the Nazis.
First, they came for the people holding turds in their hands. And I said nothing, for I was not holding a turd.
You're a stupid asshole. Name calling. Basically, you lost the argument right there.
What's worse, rampant name calling or taking a quick, easy shit into your hand at your desk when no one's watching and smearing a little bit on your co-worker's face? Wait, you haven't smeared any on our co-workers.
Oh, what? No.
Get it right now! Ah!
No!
Ah! Why, yes! Ah!
Can I do something? Why is anyone helping me? I want to challenge you guys to voice your feelings about when I smear poop on you, and I want you to do it without resorting to raising your voice. Do you think you can do that?
Ah! No, you smug idiot. OK, so it's fine to yell at me for holding a turd, and yet I'm somehow not allowed to hold a turd without getting yelled at. Double standard? Go to hell. Guys, I agree that what Brennan is doing is wrong. Yes. But. What? If we scream at him, doesn't that make us just as bad? No! And the fact that you think that makes it so much worse!
Raf, I don't know if you notice this. All of these guys are extremely upset, OK? I'm over here, cool as a cucumber, holding my turd, rational, reasonable, calm. Wow. You are calm.
Look, guys, I mean, maybe if I'm Oh! Oh! You went in your mouth and you tore your mouth and took it open! Oh! Get it!
Ah!
OK, well, so much for the tolerant left. Your word sorcery ends now! Censorship. This is censorship of my free speech.
You have to destroy him. We have to kill him now. You know who else wanted to destroy people?
No. Don't you say it, you son of a I'll tell you what.
You guys are just like the Nazis, because they were so certain they were right. That's the main takeaway I got from studying Nazis. That was not the main thing about the Nazis.
Not at all.
I am a visionary that you fear because I represent change. Kill him!
Hey, guys! It's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it?
I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen.
Ah! Don't forget me! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_07_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Well, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The date is Monday the 6th of January, recording live here from the Old City District. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, editor-at-large Errol Parker.
How are you Errol? Good mate, good to be back. Another new year, looking forward to another year of wasting my life here in the Simpson Desert at this stupid, irrelevant newspaper. You like the cricket though, you've been enjoying the cricket? Yep, went down to the cricket, saw Manus get his double-turn, saw Nathan Lyon take a few wickets, saw New Zealand shit the bed, Wendell, but they didn't shit the bed as bad as our Prime Minister did over the break.
Very well, excited to be back as well. Now Errol just touched on the leader of our nation, Scotty from marketing. I believe we were the first to coin that term, has since been referenced elsewhere in other media, Financial Times London, New York Times, Washington Post, Kevin Rudd's FB page. Getting a bit of traction on old Scotty from marketing, but he's had a shocker, a shocking month. He has. We'll kind of pick up where we left off last year, Wendell, and so we'll go back to kind of the start of this whole saga where Scott was in the bed. He had shit, but it hadn't started to leak out the side of his Bond's Y-fronts into the sheets yet. Yeah, it was just coming through. What was the headline there? Scotty from marketing selflessly cuts week-long Hawaiian holiday short by 45 minutes. Yes, we published that story a little while ago.
It must've been before Christmas, because it was his pre-Christmas getaway that he insisted on going on at the peak of this summer's bushfire season. There was a heatwave and his office were not answering calls and not clarifying where he was. In fact, in many instances, just denying claims that he was on holidays in Hawaii with the family, but eventually it became clear that Scotty from marketing member for Cook, Prime Minister Scott Morrison, was actually on holidays and that was made clear and clarified by an Instagram photo that someone got on Waikiki Beach with the Prime Minister, who was wearing a daggy wet shirt and having a corona.
Throwing up a shaka. Throwing up a shaka, which I believe is a Hawaiian hand sign for hang loose.
But in saying this, you know, everyone does deserve a holiday, even when you're the Prime Minister of a country, you are entitled to a holiday and I'm glad that Scott did some weeks ago put the family first and decide to spend some time away with them after what was a very easy year for him. But going away in the middle of a bushfire crisis just at the start, I guess, you know, was probably the first trickle of feces down the man's pale white ass cheek before it indeed started to seep into his thousand thread count Egyptian cotton sheets there at the lodge. On that flight back home, there was a passenger from town who commented on that story and he let us know that they actually did move Scotty from marketing from the exit row seat, because at that time he refused to assist in the event of a disaster. And of course, this story started to snowball quite quickly. A few days after that story, we broke another one about the Prime Minister's questionable leadership and that was nation just kind of accepts Albo unofficially taking over Prime Ministerial duties. There's one thing we might have learned after the Christchurch shooting was that our Prime Minister, while good on the campaign trail, isn't particularly good in a crisis. Unlike his rival in the 2019 election, who was the exact opposite, Bill Shorten, yes, a charisma vacuum and rather unlikable, almost humourless, but he could lead. Well, he showed his medal during Beaconsfield.
That's where he became a household name. We get to see any of that from Scotty from marketing. And in a weird turn of events, the ninth string labour bloke that took over the party leadership after the shock 2019 election loss has just taken over as Prime Minister, sort of. Yes, some have moved to attribute his desire to actually do something good to the fact that he was mentored by the likes of Bob Hawke and Tommy Uren down there in New South Wales, rather than the Hillsong pastor and low rent marketing professionals or the many knees of the New South Wales police force that Scott obviously had to sit on as a child when he was babysat by the various members of that esteemed organisation. And in the wake of that prolonged bedshit from Scotty, the nation began to understand why Scotty got the arse from all those marketing jobs. Well, not too many people know this about Scott Morrison, but he is the architect behind the 100% pure New Zealand ad campaign for New Zealand. And of course, more commonly known the where the bloody hell are you campaign from about 10 years ago here in Australia. But one other thing that a lot of people don't know is that Scotty got the arse from both of those jobs, not from a lack of trying, not from not getting the results. He got the arse because he was being fucking dodgy.
And when you can't do in this life, what do you do, Wendell? You enter politics. You seek pre-selection in a safe liberal seat, a Cronulla Regent, replacing Bruce Baird, father of the iconic and equally as charismatic Mike Baird, former Premier of New South Wales and equally as Pentecostal. Then you're set for life.
And following that realization by the nation, Peter Dutton quietly began learning how to count. Yes, that article was written more recently, just as we've seen Scotty from marketing under siege from people he would have once thought were on his side. Piers Morgan, famous British conservative, New South Wales Transport Minister, Andrew Constance. A lot of people have been throwing barbs at the Prime Minister in the media, live interviews, particularly. It's an interesting time.
You know, you've got to imagine the last four Prime Ministers we've had, if any of them had handled a crisis like this, they would have been ousted. In the end, we ousted most of our previous Prime Ministers based on their personalities and how unlikable they were as people. But when it comes to leading the nation, it seems there's a lot of confidence lost.
And Peter Dutton looks like he's taking advantage of that. His poor numeracy skills that, of course, let him down in the famous libspill of August 2018, now going to be on show once again. So he's polishing them up. He's been in touch with 130065506 and has been practicing his counting while he sharpens his knives in the background of the party room. It's worth adding that in the wake of the last libspill, Scott Morrison made sure that he wasn't going to get stabbed again, and he adopted a similar rule that the Labour Party's had for quite a while, where he needs a two thirds majority. And he also needs a few other rubber stamps from higher powers. So certainly don't hope that Peter Dutton knows that. And I hope that he once again calls a spill and finds out that he doesn't need half. He needs two thirds.
Yes, the anti-spill laws in the Liberal Party aren't as intense as the ones in the Labour Party. The Labour Party needs over half of the members nationwide to vote. Whereas in the libs, you only need two thirds of the party room, which is very much doable, and we've seen it happen before. It's a tricky assignment, but if anyone can do it, Peter can. Now, there's been a lot of doom and gloom in this bulletin, so we might move on to a slightly lighter story from New Year's Eve.
Guests who brought terrible beer to friends barbecue scene drinking everything but it. Yes, that's what happens when you turn up to a party with a carton of Tooheez Extra Dry. Isn't it, Wendell? You always end up drinking someone else's. Because Tooheez Extra Dry is always on special because it fucking sucks.
I don't mind the Ted's. I particularly enjoyed the Platinum's. Back when I still had my license, I really did enjoy. This bloke who came into the party with a carton of Ted's was spotted sucking back a couple of Canadian clubs and dry. Which, mind you, in this heat, in this horrible heat that we have to enjoy here on the fringe of the Simpson Desert, I'm known to enjoy.
Moving on to sports news now, an out-of-form older cousin emits aggressive tssss sound as he fires off reckless bouncer. Yes, the incident occurred on Christmas Day in Batutah Heights and saw a former sporting great turned sports betting great prove to his extended family that he does indeed still got it. Yeah, he certainly put on a lot of chin music on Christmas Day from all reports, especially the report that we got from his 12-year-old cousin. He says he can't wait to grow up and give his older cousin a full factory reset of the brain with his fists.
In the comments, Phil Johansen, I'm not sure if it's spelt the same way as Sir Joe, Phil Johansen left a comment. He said he dominated his 10-year-old son with a great display of swinging the blade, 123 retired, before taking his wicket cheaply after a short but sharp barrage of body-line bowling. Now that is a Christmas story. That is low self-esteem.
That's finishing on top and we'll finish this bulletin, the first one for 2019. We'll be back again in another seven days time. Be sure to join us then.
Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. And I'm Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Overall.
Please donate to the Firies. Celeste Barber is your best go-to for that at this moment. A lot of hard work going on in the field. So please, please dig deep. Thank you. |
ClickHole | people_who_worked_at_nasa_tell_stories_of_the_missions_they_worked_on | In the early years of the space program, all we wanted to do was hurl apes into space. That was NASA's only objective, to send the apes to outer space and watch them explode. President Eisenhower would call us on the phone and say, I've got a whole bus full of juicy apes coming your way. America's counting on you eggheads to send those bastards screaming into the cosmos till they pop. I remember this one time we received a shipment of 60 of the plumpest, juiciest apes we'd ever seen. Our orders were to throw them up into the sky and have them explode into a magnificent cloud of guts for the American people to marvel at from their driveways.
And I remember as I was taping the apes to the outside of the rocket, one of them looked at me with these big, sad, dull eyes that just broke my heart. And I started questioning, am I doing the right thing? But then this wicked look came over his face and he said to me, keep Austin weird. And that's when I realized that all the apes were monsters who deserved to explode.
My job was analyzing research data that the Curiosity rover would send back from Mars. A couple of years into the mission, we started receiving strange transmissions from the rover. They'd say, send wife, over and over again. We just assumed it was some sort of glitch and ignored it. But not long after that, we noticed in photo samples that he had built himself a wife out of rocks. It was remarkable. He would keep it clean and feed it oil and sort of nuzzle it with his face. Sometimes he'd just drive in circles around it for hours and hours. It was around this time he stopped responding to us.
For 12 years at NASA, my job was to crouch near the airlock on shuttle missions to keep astronauts from wandering out into space. Most of the time I was able to scare them off with a few squirts of vinegar, but there were always a handful of astronauts who got past me. They'd run out into space and they'd die, and then once they were dead, I would go into their rooms and eat all of their extra space meals. I ended up gaining over 100 pounds from all the dead astronauts' space snacks that I ate, and that was problematic because the flaps of fat that developed on my chest would drift upwards in zero gravity and suffocate my face. This was ultimately why I had to retire. As the budget for the space program dwindled over the years, we began exploring how to use our skills as scientists to procure more funding.
One idea we pursued involved hurling what was essentially fishing line into space with some goat meat on the end of it and trying to catch an alien so that we could reel the alien back to Earth and teach it about blue jeans. The hope was that the alien would be impressed by the blue jeans and would want to buy them for everyone on its home planet, and we would sell them to the aliens for a million dollars. Easy money, right? Well, unfortunately, the alien we did end up catching didn't have legs. It was just a glob with thousands of teeth, and it saw no value in blue jeans. In the end, all we could do was smash the alien up with a hammer and sell its meat to a dog food factory for 50 bucks. Not quite the million we were hoping for, but still pretty good. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_International_State_Of_Women_s_Rights | Offering a rare glimpse into the struggles of these little-known and oft-overlooked 3.5 billion members of society, we now present The Onion Explains Women's Rights. For decades, the female form has been objectified through unrealistic beauty standards to advertise products that just don't work that well. Like facial washes with microbeads that don't rejuvenate your skin in the slightest. And perhaps most shockingly, aloe face creams with no replenishing power whatsoever. In the U.S., years of exploiting female sexuality for products that don't give you a healthy glow that lasts all day have become so commonplace we almost don't even notice when a woman is shamelessly displayed to sell shampoo that doesn't leave hair clean and shiny.
Efforts to fight global inequality, including better access to health care and educational outreach programs, are increasing worldwide. But most women's rights advocates say the best solution, ultimately, is to sit back and let Malala Yousafzai do her thing. It's widely believed that the youngest Nobel Peace Prize laureate ever just needs to go out there and work her magic. In fact, many observers speculate that the 17-year-old already has sex trafficking squared away When that's done, she's expected to take on female genital mutilation and just crush it.
In Saudi Arabia, women are prohibited from driving, while female babies in China are considered less valuable under the country's one-child policy. But the most dire situation for women exists in the 1989 music video for Warrant's Cherry Pie. The women who live here spend literally their entire lives gyrating for the sexual enjoyment of spandex-clad men. They are also forced to subsist on single bright red cherries and water sprayed at them from a high-pressure fire hose. The living conditions are extremely restrictive for these women, too, who are forced to spend nearly every moment confined to baseball mitt and lip-shaped sofas, except for rare occasions when permitted to travel independently, and even then only roller skating in an eroticized waitress outfit. Despite nearly three decades of the music video's existence, no aide or emissaries have been able to reach these women. For now, the world can only look on in horror at what these women must endure. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_2_0_Ray_White_s_Newest_Employee_Spotify_Unwrapped_More_December_3 | Thank you for joining us. We love having you here. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooter Advocate. Of course, in the room with me is Errol Parker, editor-at-large. How are you, Errol? Good, mate.
Just had my booster shot this morning, so looking forward to filling you. On top of the world, we're ready to take on this Omnicron, as they're calling it. As someone who got their second jab not even a month ago, I don't know how the fuck you lined up a booster, but... Isn't that how you're supposed to do it? Really turned a corner, though. Well, look, I was prepared to concede that this new way of living, this vaccinated lifestyle comes part and parcel with being welcomed back into society and stuff like that, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to listen to the advice given to me by Tage, considering, you know, they told a bunch of young people around the country, you know, you've got to stay away from that Astro zucchini. Then two weeks later, they said, drink the stuff by the leader. So, look, I'm just looking out for my own health. There's a new variant, so I thought I'd get my booster shot.
Fair enough. Yeah, that's a fair one.
They have been flipping, flopping around. How are you going? Wendell Hussey? Yeah, really well for this time of the year. Obviously, the steam is starting to run out, but... Yeah, yeah, you're telling me. You're telling me, mate. Yeah, so, another couple of weeks ago. How are you, Clancy? I'm going alright, but, you know, as you pointed out, you're running out of steam. Picking up a bit of slack here, and I reckon things have got to change next year, mate, from you at least. You'll be having a review in February, so let's... You've got to get off the dope, mate.
I mean, that's one thing that's really... It really helps my anxiety, boys.
Yeah, I don't care. I don't give a fuck.
I don't know, it's like, throughout the day... Mate, we've had plenty of buffalo soldiers working in this newsroom before, and I'll tell you one thing, you know, one thing I can't deny is that these...
Eventually, this dope will lead you down a path that you can't come back from. You'll be fucking... You'll be all over the shop. You'll have the fucking Monday morning scaries.
It's a gateway drug. It's not addictive. I could stop anytime I wanted. You just wait. You don't know anxiety until we force you to quit this stuff cold turkey next year. Yeah, well, it'll really hit me then, so I don't think that's a great idea, boys. It's not addictive. I could stop, but I don't want to.
Okay. So... As we said, the review's in February. What's up first in the news today?
Well, it is done and dusted for the year for our politicians down in Canberra, and one of the stories to round out the week on that one was about the Liberals denying that talent is running thin within their party as the entire cabinet gets replaced by nameless Morrison lookalikes. Yeah, the final sitting week of federal parliament has come and gone, and it was an eventful one, that's for sure. Not in the sense of a lot of legislation being passed, or progress being made on things like housing, the pandemic, or climate change, but in the sense of the government losing cabinet and former cabinet ministers. But it was eventful in the sense that the government lost three of Morrison's closest allies in the shape of Health Minister Greg Hunt, former Attorney General Christian Pateleve Porter, and of course, Alan Tudge.
He was stood down against his own will because of abuse allegations, so things are looking great there. And that means a few portly middle-aged white men are set to be given promotions. But the government says that these random, faceless blokes getting the nod doesn't mean they are running thin on talent. Prime Minister has reassured us all that the nation is in good hands, saying, quote, We've got plenty of middle-aged white blokes who spend every Sunday worshipping Jesus in a giant air-conditioned aeroplane hanger, while some virgins with goatees play electric guitar on the stage.
That is the modern Australian. That is the quiet Australian.
When I did see that photo of all of the nameless backbenchers, I thought it was actually a gout awareness podcast. I wasn't particularly familiar with any of them, other than the fact that, I mean, Keith Pitt, I knew of him. He was the guy that somehow got a job by denying climate change all through the net zero negotiations and managed to get a start in the cabinet out of that. Well, it was either a gout awareness podcast or a face of, you know, go and get your colonoscopy campaign.
And not to mention the RSL tan that a lot of these men tend to carry, the Barnaby Joyce kind of... Not too many teetotalers.
Yeah, which makes some prominent veins across the cheeks. Which makes getting a colonoscopy all the more important. Correct. So if you need one, go and get checked up.
Now, that whole situation has left a senior liberal figure questioning what he's going to be doing going forward. Josh Frydenberg has stared long and hard at a poster advertising a job opening at Ray White Hawthorne. Yes, as the Liberal Party's brain drain continues, one of the last MPs holding on with both hands is Treasurer Joshua Frydenberg. But he's faced a big test this week. He certainly has. The member for Kyu Yong was reportedly considering whether it was worth it all after seeing a sign advertising a job agency as a real estate agent in his home electorate. After a rather full-on year, Frydenberg thought the idea of opening doors and talking shit to rich people for the next couple of decades was quite a tantalizing one, and one that he certainly won't rule out.
Probably make more money in property than he would in politics, I'd say. He's proven that he's pretty good at securing risk-free assets for the nation's most privileged boomers and foreign investors. So maybe he is a walk-in star. Well, mate, you can make more money being a group manager of a bunch of McDonald's.
I mean, politics is really the last refrain of the dump hunt. I mean, if you can't do anything in life, including teaching, you can always be a politician. Absolutely.
And it doesn't pay as well as... Fuck no. It doesn't pay as well as a real estate agent, hence why they are padding themselves out with private contracts for all their mates and jobs for life afterwards. He'll just have to learn to hustle if he wants to take it up, Josh Frydenberg there.
Now a change of pace, and a local dad's Spotify yearly rap has given the perfect summary of what a year in lockdown with toddlers looks like. A bit of excitement for a lot of social media users over the past few days, with Spotify giving them the opportunity to share their musical tastes with their friends and followers. However, for one local man, his yearly rap didn't really do it for him. No, Peter Lewisham from The Heights, said the data on what music he listened to actually reminded him that it was a pretty grim year.
The father of two young girls under the age of four said his most played song for 2021 was Do You Wanna Build a Snowman? from the riveting child's musical Frozen, Frozen About the Princesses. He said he'd played nearly 5,000 hours of The Wiggles as well since Christmas. A lot of Moana in there as well.
All power to him. Yeah, you can really tell who the primary caregiver is in your household, Clancy.
Yeah, I'm not familiar with... You don't know these songs.
My kids listen to Chisel. And you've got five under five, so there you go. Raising them well, Clancy.
Now, elsewhere around town, the instructions for a basic card game has caused a local woman to question her intelligence. Yes, it turned into a very frustrating catch-up with friends for French Quarter resident and psychologist Anna Leeds. Heading over to a mate's place for a couple of drinks, the board games eventually came out and everyone decided to get into it. Well, everyone knows psychologists don't know fucking anything anyway. But anyway, for Anna, something just wasn't computing. With few attempted explanations, failing to hit the mask, the giggles of her friends slowly turned into a bit of an awkward silence before she pretended like she didn't know what the fuck was going on. Said it was a stupid fucking game. Probably not uncommon thing, you know, for a psychologist not to know what the fuck was going on.
But anyway, let's just move on to the next story there, Wendell. I think we should. And we'll finish up in the sporting world. He's gone from anti-vaxx to anti-psychology. Everyone knows the key to resolving mental health issues is awareness. Okay? And healthy self-dosing. Now, let's finish it up with sports news.
The future of the NRL is in jeopardy as Murdoch's journalists have lost access to the players that they treat like shit. Really worrying news for Rugby League fans today as revelations emerged that the future of the National Rugby League could be in doubt.
The greatest game of all is under threat after a single player decided to go and give an interview to someone who doesn't work for a mainstream media outlet. Yes, talking about that. Brandon Smith interview with YKTR there. It seemed to generate a few hundred different articles this week, which according to gossip columnists at Foxport in the news court papers means the entire fabric of the game could unravel. As one of them explained to us, if players don't just handball us scoops, we might have to go out and chase stories instead of writing up club statements, players text and police media releases. Or just writing divisive op-eds about players actions on and off the field. Or leaking sex tapes of 22-year-olds that ruin their lives.
Real crossroads. It's going to be a strange year for Rugby League journalists next year. I mean, at least one of the six dead pigeons inside Buzz Rothfield's head might actually have to reanimate itself and get tapping away on the keyboard again. Something that I doubt will happen. We'll just wait for the Latrell Mitchell rage-bait. It will be coming. The All-Stars game kicks us off early next year, so I'm sure they'll find an angle on that one.
Anyway, that's where we'll leave you for this week. Have a good weekend. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Barut. Ciao. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_mysterious_case_of_who_sh_t_my_pants | I know what you're thinking. This is just an ordinary story about an ordinary guy at an ordinary party who did not shit his pants. And you'd be right. But that's only half the story.
Oh my god, Mike! Did you shit your pants? Really? Oh god! I feel so bad!
I'm gonna be sick. Jesus, I'm leaving.
He definitely shit his pants. I was framed. You could have called me a Jackson Pollock and hung me up right there. Something just didn't smell right, and it wasn't the shit in my pants. No, wait, it's the shit, but it was also real suspicious. I felt it in my gut. Then, a little in my sock. Hey man, you gotta go! Just like that, I was on the case of who shit my pants. It just didn't make sense. My diet is cheesier than a late night comic. I had to move fast. But not too fast. On account of the shit. I had cues about my B that needed A's.
And I knew just the guy to see. Mike? Are you okay, man? Last night you... Oh my god!
Is there still shit in your pants? Funny you say that. Don't come in. I never said there was shit in my pants.
It's extremely obvious. What's obvious to me is you're hiding something, Scotty. My name is Frank.
I'm not a gambling man, Scotty, but I know you can't shoot craps and play poker at the same time. Yet somehow when I rolled the dice, my pants were a full house and it'd be a long time before a royal flush.
Question is, who's the dealer? What? Who shit my pants? Wait, what? That's what this is about?
You think someone other than you did that? I know it. And I think you do, too. You're wrong and you smell. Here, maybe this will jog your memory. Get out.
His story was as corny as the shit in my pants. The only problem was I hate corn and there was a bunch of shit in my pants. My mind was ablaze with questions.
Good thing, too. It was about time someone let her match. The case was going cold and my leads were running dry. Much like the... You know what? I think you get the point.
Did I surprise you? Not at all. I smelled so much of you the second I walked through the door. Why haven't you changed? Oh, I changed. My perspective. And your shirt.
But not your pants? A good detective never pampers with the crime scene. I'm not going to laugh at your semi-solid pun while you ruin my chair. What do you mention semi-solid? Hello, 911? Because I got semi-solid evidence that you were the one who shitted. There's a grown man in my house with poop in his pants?
If only my ass could talk, I bet he'd pick your little donut hole out of a lineup so fast you'd think it was Black Friday at Krispy Kreme. Hold on. How would you arrange that lineup? This is crazy. You can't keep deflecting. I know it's embarrassing. He was trying to shake me down, almost enough to shake the dookie down my leg. Almost. Are you going to go to work? Oh my god!
What's the matter, Scotty? Afraid to die?
Yes, but also there's shit on your gun. Enough games! Just admit it! Did you? Did you just? We were on the case. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_and_derek_zoolander_ben_stiller_on_autumn_s_hottest_tips_snl | It's Autumn in New York and thousands of tourists will be coming to our city to enjoy what the Big Apple has to offer here. with some tips on what they should check out. it's our City Correspondent, Stephon. Hi. Hi, Stephon. that was some vacation we took this summer. how's your back? So, Stephon, Autumn in New York is a special time and lots of people from around the country will be coming to spend a weekend in the city.
Any tips on how they can have some family fun? Yes, if you're looking for family fun, look no further. New York's hottest club is opened in 2010, This active crime scene is the creation of lazily named drag queen Melvin in a dress. Needless to say, this place has everything. stick balls, pick pockets, cookie crisp, and look, who's at the bar. is that Kate Moss? no. it's a Pakistani family that cuts in line at Universal Studios.
Stephon.
I apologize if I was unclear on what I wanted. but most people visiting New York will want the classic New York experience. can you recommend anything to fit that? Yes. yes. If you're looking for an experience, I've got the place for you. New York's hottest club is located in a haunted Synagogue, This upper, lower side hotspot is the creation of Italian reggae singer Rasta Primavera. This place has everything. brooms, scrunchies, screw heads, a shaved lion that looks like Mario Batali. And make sure to be there this Friday because the first hundred people through the door will win human fire extinguishers. because it's written on my cue card. and only because it's written on my cue card, I will ask, what is a human fire extinguisher? It's a thing of when a thin midget paints himself red and then chews alka seltzer until foam shoots out his mouth. where's the fire?
Stephon.
I am beginning to think you don't work for the New York Chamber of Commerce. slander, take it back. you have to go. But I haven't even told you about the big Halloween blowout this year. I have a plus one. I'm sorry, Stephon. I can't go with you. my girlfriend and I are going to a bed and breakfast. right. Well, I didn't invite you anyway, because I already have a guest and he's here.
Please welcome New York's hottest male model, Derek Zoolander. am I on the news? Tell him about the Halloween party. for too long, Halloween in New York has been a quiet, almost religion-y holiday for old people and babies. But that's all about to change. This year, I'm hosting a Vip blowout in New York's hottest neighborhood.
Seth, I want to use this party as a message. a message that I want to spread that you don't need illegal drugs to have a good time. there are plenty of good prescription drugs. Derek, this segment is supposed to help tourists. You want to help the tourists? they're trying to attack our country. God, he's dumb.
I love him. This party is my entry back into New York nightlife. I can't wait to see old friends like John Galliano. John Galliano, the fashion designer who praised Hitler. we've all accidentally praised Rudolph Hitler on Tv, Okay?
And I think we're done. I think we're done.
What's the matter, Seth Meyers? jealous? I'm not jealous. I'm not. I don't even want to go to your stupid costume party. I'm not wearing a costume. I'm just wearing my new look, cold Coffee. And I'm wearing my new look, Rigamortis. that's not sexy, Stefan. you have to pout your lips and look stupid like Seth. I don't have to put up with this.
Look, this party is for charity, okay? all proceeds go to benefit the Derek Zoolander Foundation for fat kids who are fat, but not in a cute way like that fat kid on Modern Family. Well, I really misjudged you guys. you two are just trying to help a good cause. even though I can't make it, I'd love to make a donation. Step on a Zoolander! |
dropout | how_listerine_created_bad_breath_adam_ruins_everything | Did you know you just washed your mouth with floor cleaner? Uh, no. It's mouthwash. See? Yeah.
But a hundred years ago, Listerine was used and marketed as a generic household cleaning fluid. Good old Listerine, my favorite household antiseptic. I use it to wash my feet, clean my floors, and heck, maybe it'll even clear up my gonorrhea. Ice cream social, here I come. But it wasn't until the 1920s that Listerine started marketing itself as a way to prevent bad breath.
There was just one problem, though. Madame, do you have bad breath? No! Most people thought their breath smelled fine already, so they devised a plan. They dug up an obscure Latin word and told people it was a disease they could have without even knowing it. Excuse me, Madame, do you suffer from halitosis? Tonsi, Tonsi, I don't know, what's halitosis? Why it's Latin for icky disease for robes.
You could have it and be none the wiser, and if you do, everyone secretly hates you. That's my greatest fear!
So you're saying Listerine coined the term halitosis? Oh no, I'm not saying that. Listerine is. On their own website, they say, Listerine coined the term halitosis. Listerine went on to cruelly exploit our insecurities for decades. Check out this real Listerine ad from back then.
Are you unpopular with your own children? Or this one? Often a bridesmaid, but never a bride. Or this one? Don't fool yourself. Since halitosis never announces itself to the victim, you simply cannot know when you have it. We talk about you behind your back.
Holy crap! Are these real? Yeah. They're really mean. Yeah.
They were also really, really successful. After this campaign, Listerine's profits rose 4,000% in just seven years. Beautiful, beautiful, shame money.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Readings Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Government_Commits_To_Spending_1_Submarine_Periscopes_Worth_Of_Funding_On_Domest_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bulletin, I've been giving a hurry on there, I know I was trying to bring this in with a bit of, you know, flair, sorry, heaven forbid, trying to fucking try something new here, my name's Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey, and we are the Batutah Blokes Advice Podcast. And we're coming back at you again, maybe try breathing through your nose, Clancy Overall, that could be something I'd like to hear. I have a joke for you Clancy. What? Chris Norris walked into a feminist convention and left with a packed lunch and his clothes ironed. See, they, you can't, people don't want you to, like, you can't make jokes like that anymore, so like, it's good to have like this platform here to like, you know, you know, free speech is a big, poor thing. Free speech is important, but not if you're Peter Stefanovic. Oi! What's in the news outside of what we just riffed about, Wendell?
Well we're going to start off a little bit different, we're going to go over to New Zealand for our first story, we're going to talk about a man by the name of Tim Naki, who was set to be appointed New Zealand's Treasurer. Yes, if you don't spend a lot of time on the internet you might not be familiar with Tim Naki, aka Tim Myers, he's a young man and self-described degenerate who is one of our neighbours on the other side of the ditch. He shot to popularity recently by gambling 10 cents for every single follower he has on Instagram every single day. That's seen him gambling more than our young Wendell over here, quite a lot more, with Naki regularly dropping a hundred grand on online blackjack.
And given that incredible success, he's now been offered a shiny new role in the New Zealand government. As Prime Minister Cruss Luxton said to us, Yeah, Tom's been chucked in into the mucks to run through the books for us, eh? Yeah, you know, through the bek. Yeah mate, just off through the bek, horse of money. Off of his own money, he's been able to make like 5% of our deficit. Oh man, off the back of his own money he's been able to wipe off 50% of our national debt. Imagine what he could do for the whole government coffers if he puts them onto the line. Yeah, it's an absolute no brainer if they get Tim on board there. And look, it'll be very entertaining. I think you get a lot of Kiwis involved with the political process if they do that, so it's a great call.
Now we'll return home to our own political sphere and the government has revealed that they're committing spending one submarine periscope worth of funding on the domestic violence crisis. The federal government has finally committed to doing something more to combat the scourge of domestic violence and gendered violence across the country. Stopping short of committing like the $368 trillion worth of money for the AUKUS submarine deal, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has promised $900 million worth of funding to combat violence against women. Yes, the $900 million is over the course of five years, it is unknown what role the eight submarines that arrive in 2050 will do to protect women in Australia, with Albanese refusing to comment on the issue and choosing to instead simply tell us that he is the Prime Minister.
These submarines are going to protect us all because they're going to... Underwater ISIS. No, they're going to... So when the Chinese come, they will sneak up on them with these subs and they'll fire torpedoes at the ships and all of those little Chinese conscripts will all drown and then we will be safe. We will be safe.
No, eight, eight. Eight of them.
Every state and territory. So we'll have every quarter. Every quarter of our nation will have two.
Where is the ACTs going to... Where are they going to... Jarvis Bay. That's their port.
So each state gets one. Each state gets one submarine. And territory. So New South Wales gets one, ACT gets one, hardly seems fair but that's kind of the way it works.
David Pocock will be very happy, Territorians right in action. Staying on politics now and our next story is about an ICU nurse who's still renting at 32, revealing that she can't wait until the Liberals let her spend all $30,000 in her super on buying a $300,000 home. Yes, local nurse Kelly Nanovich is looking on the bright side this week amidst the multiple reports of record-breaking house prices and projected failures for new constructions of dwellings across the country. Despite it seeming impossible to own your own house without parental support, Kelly said she's looking forward to taking a lifeline offered by the government. That's right, with her bank offering her a 10% deposit as a result of being a frontline health worker, Kelly is now praying for the Liberals to win the 2025 election so she can use all of her super in her superannuation to get her foot in the market. With $31,000 to her name that she cannot touch, Kelly says she hopes she will be able to snag her nice little $300,000 shanty on the edge of town with only three burnt out cars on the street. How good. The Australian dream is still alive.
Last story for the week, a sports news one, and a Roselle paperbark tree is set to miss six weeks of footy after making contact with Paul Kent's head. Yes, the broadleaf paperbark tree is facing a lengthy stint on the sidelines after a reckless high shot over the weekend.
The, insert Latin name here, I'm not going to say it. Maile Luca quinquinervia. Thank you. I have a green thumb.
Staring down the barrel of up to eight weeks out following the match reviews committee to charge the tree with a grade three dangerous contact charge. Yes, the incident in question occurred on Saturday night at the paperbark tree's home ground out front of Totti's Roselle where Paul Kent, NRL reporter, tried to take a hit up before being clocked by the tree. Kent was sent for an HIA head injury analysis after the high contact and has since entered NRL 360's concussion protocol. A timeline on his return has not yet been outlined with many hoping the latest blow could spell in early retirement. It's believed lawyers for the tree will attempt to plead the case that Kent was falling when contact was made with his head. If they can prove that mitigating factor it may slash another week or two off the ban. Yeah, sorry for the sports heavy legal jargon there for people who don't follow the NRL, but it's just important to get that detail in there for those that do, I think. Real lack of class from Paul Kent over the weekend.
Good to get a bit of sport in there. Bit political this week, Jesus. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, on the left tooter advocate. Me tooter. Cuck tooter. Doesn't know what we got called. Anyway. Plenty of tooters. Thank you for listening in. Hooroo. Bye-bye. Ciao. |
cracked | 7_needlessly_elaborate_tributes_to_pop_culture_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to another episode of Does Not Compute, sponsored by my favorite clear cola, Smart Water. Smart Water.
Attain immortality. Maybe. I mean, it's not stopping you from living forever. It's not. Why?
And what better way to spend an electrolyte-fueled eternity than crafting tributes to pop culture so elaborate they make the pyramids look like a happy birthday post on Pharaoh's Facebook wall. Like a heron, and then a reed, and then an onc, I think. Seven needlessly elaborate tributes to pop culture. Oh hey, that's what I do. Number seven, the Beardy Bunch. Wow, this guy is the Bobby McFerrin of covering nostalgic video game music, which is what about 37% of YouTubers are searching for at any given time. Yeah, adding a cat boosts it to 55%. Time well spent on something there's probably a phone app for. Then again, who else is going to revive such classics as...
Really? The Moon Stage? You couldn't at least go with the Transylvania level?
Keep in mind, this dude is spending a minimum of eight times the length of each video to bring you classics like... Gonna load a DJ Deep Cuts over here. What gives, unrecognized child of Zach Wilde and the Wiffenpoofs? I'm sorry, the only way to fight Deep Cuts is with more Deep Cuts. Number six, Robot Rock. You have to understand, as an android, this is like watching footage of a dog's brain made to jiggle to the tune of all about that bass. Novel, but ultimately depressing. How about next time, instead of a single long whir nearly drowned out by mechanical screams, you store a high res MP3 on the hard drives you're mangling.
And there are so many people making these. Once is an art project. Twice is a hobby or plagiarism of that pre-existing art project. But this?
This is hard drive genocide. Like Ram to the Slaughter.
And what is it with people in DuckTales? I mean, it's a children's cartoon, folks.
What's the big deal with- Woo! Space Jam! Yeah! Uh!
Oh, get your chance, do your dance at the hideous mutant jamboree. See, I can tell this took a lot of work, but it's still solidly on the wrong side of the uncanny valley, so I hate it. Why is Daffy Duck as tall as a Monstar? This mod puts the Looney in tunes, the Madness in March, and the Elmer Fudd in Waking Nightmare. What's the purpose of even running these simulations, anyway?
Unless Space Jam is based on a real NBA game. Oh my god, please tell me Space Jam is based on a real NBA game.
I will take that as a no, and don't get too excited, because here comes soccer. Number four, Sportslarp, or Splarp, for short. Don't take short, but it goes, and it's a wonderful effort. Really? This is literally just a game of soccer. You used on-screen graphics to trick people into watching you and your office mates play soccer. Let me guess, the whole project was this guy's baby.
I just really think it would be great fan engagement for the game, yeah? If we made a viral football video to really showcase me pasty British torso, right? I mean, that's what they want, the gamers.
Live action footage of me torso that you can't interact with. Number three, Extreme Splarps. In other words, doing parkour to recreate the game Mirror's Edge, because f*** soccer. Man, that girl must suck at video games, squandering all her time outdoors like that. I guess if the Let's Play video computerized the experience of watching your friend play a video game, this video is computerizing the experience of watching your friend be profoundly better than you, which is a winning strategy, as is soccer, apparently, so I take back everything I said about it. Please don't cool again at me. I hear they do that. To put that in context, this Far Cry 3 tribute video only has a fraction of FIFA's views, despite featuring exotic locations, bridge stunts, and simulated drowning. Should've just played some pickup hockey in the parking lot, dude.
Very cost effective. You see, the lesson here is work smarter, not harder. In fact, you know what?
I'm bringing Clippy back. Co-host really takes the pressure off. Computer, reboot Clippy.
Oh, it's funny. Well I regret that immediately. Number two, the fast and the not to scale. That's what I'm talking about, see? Like Henry Selleck directed Fast Five. Starring Vin Regular, Dwayne the Pebble Johnson, Michelle Pakena, Lil Luda, and in loving memory of Small Walker. Damn it, Clippy, show some respect. Tragically, we live in a world where carefully crafted works of car chase gold filled with explosion effects, amazing camera work, and countless cars, models, and sets only rates 100,000 views. I mean, my god, this video will get more views than that. And I'm not even miniature. Unless... Number one, the tribute has become the master.
Much better, right Clippies? Not sure why there are two of them now, but the point is, small can be awesome. For example, here's some fan made shorts arguably cooler than the big long movies that originally inspired them. See, the future is web shorts about movies made like fan fiction played out like a live action video game. For we have transcended media. I mean, I've only seen a minute of this and I already like their Anakin better. The same goes double for these four Ninja Turtles. On account of them, A, not being hulking CGI lizard trolls, B, paying homage to the original series, and C, actually including martial arts instead of C, A. That's more like it. Well deserved. Don't you think, Clippies? Well, don't see why you have to compare it directly to my work, but yes, they're very talented. All right, computer. Hey gang, thanks so much for watching another Does Not Compute.
I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you're all excited about the return of Clippy. I brought him back for you and I got rid of him because I'm out of clips to use. So please post literally footage of anything in the comments because we're out of Clippies. So Clippy is you now. |
dropout | spoiler_alert | Well, with Lost, it really comes down to time travel, you know? Like in last night's episode, John Muffin...
Oh, wait, don't tell me. Don't tell me. I haven't seen it yet. Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
I'm not really wearing anything.
So, Jack and Sawyer are both in the pearl. Jack is freaking out. Lucy, what do we got? Last night's episode of Lost. A level five plot buster.
Did he la-la-la-la-la-la? He don't tell me, don't tell me, but he didn't have time to la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
God help us. We got another alert. The Kaiser associate revealed on Maple Drive.
Damn it, man. Don't waste my time.
The movie's been out for ten years. Love triangle thing at the back. You can use it. Chuck, you know, you guys remember the alert of 92? Crying game. Same protocol, this time with a fight club formation. I want to cap this spoiler tighter than the Battlestar Galactica finale. Headphones, on my count. One, two, three.
Chuck, move out! Stand down, team. This spoiler's been quarantined. Heck of a job.
Billy, where are your headphones? I, uh, must have left them back at the station. Guys, come on. I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't hear anything, I swear. I don't even watch Lost. You can't take that chance. The smoke watch! Billy, where are your headphones? I, uh, must have left them back at the station. Guys, come on. I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't hear anything, I swear. I don't even watch Lost. You can't take that chance. The smoke watch! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Ghostbusters | Okay, power up! This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Ghostbusters, Paul Feig's reboot of the 1984 paranormal action comedy, and a disturbing portrait of a world in which the spirits of the damned roam the earth freely, rather than suffering their just and righteous punishment in the eternal fires of hell. The film opens in modern-day Manhattan, where some supernatural contrivance has tragically interfered with God's divine wrath, releasing hordes of wicked souls from the everlasting torture promised to all sinners. Soon, the entire city is overwhelmed by the ghostly spirits of liars, hypocrites, fornicators, and usurers who have escaped from an eternity of being flayed and boiled in sulfur for their earthly trespasses, and are now free to run amok among the living. Take this ghost, for example.
As viewers, we can only imagine what this woman's sins might have been. Was she an adulterer, a glutton, a pedophile? Whatever the case, it's clear that her proper place is in hell, experiencing the infinite torments promised by scripture, not wandering the halls of the New York Public Library. This woman is a disgusting wretch who has violated the Word of God. She needs to be returned to hell immediately, so she can continue to be disemboweled by demons and set upon by venomous serpents as punishment for her perversions.
Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, and Leslie Jones play the titular Ghostbusters, charged with sending these unholy spirits back to the realm of unending misery that God has established for their penance. But try as they might, these four just don't seem to be capable of dealing out the kind of divine justice the situation demands. Time and again, viewers are left frustrated as the Ghostbusters succeed in apprehending these deplorable sinners with their proton packs and ghost traps, but then fail to return the reprobate souls directly to the bottomless black pits, deserts of flaming sand, and rivers of boiling blood where they rightfully belong. As I watched this film, I found myself growing ever more incensed at the Ghostbusters for delaying God's retribution by storing ghosts in their ecto-containment unit rather than sending these souls back to perdition to suffer with all the other idolaters, fortune tellers, and sodomites. By eliciting such an emotional response, Ghostbusters ultimately succeeds at what it sets out to do, to remind us how essential it is that the souls of all sinners suffer forever in the unquenchable flames of hellfire. It may be disturbing to spend two hours watching those who have transgressed against God's law avoid the just penalties for their lives of immorality, but at least viewers can take comfort knowing that in reality, all those who defy the Lord will endure endless torments of unspeakable pain for all of eternity, just as they deserve.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | watching_a_movie_at_home_vs_the_theaters_people_watching_9 | Mmm! Oh, what's the name of that actor? William... something or other. You know, he's a that guy. He's the that guy-est that guy. You know, in France, they don't have a that guy. They call it le messieur. Oh, you know what?
How can you eat so much of that? Rule of thumb, if a chick eats snacks all the time but is somehow not 500 pounds, it's because those snacks are literally the only thing she's eating. Popcorn's like packing peanuts. How do you think those actresses do it? Fuck, who go old-school Hollywood sometime? Judy, are you eating?
We talked about this. That is terrifying.
What do you do to avoid having to exercise? Sleep till two, so I skip breakfast and lunch?
Fuck, how did I never think of that? How do you think Kramer makes a living? I don't know. Either porn or full-time fast food. There's only so much overlap between jobs you can pay the rent with and jobs you wouldn't tell anyone about. Why? Oh, because I'm essentially Kramer in real life, so I would know? How do you pay the rent? It's funnier if it goes unexplained. Are you serious?
Yeah, it was this movie. Mike J, the biggest, stupidest kid in grade five, got some one-line rule because they were filming part of it at his house and all he would talk about was how he met Robert Lozia and got paid $1,000 and he was a thousand-air. And then it ruined him and by high school he was just this huge disaster in a trench coat trying to sell counterfeit cigars out of his car. That's the guy you Googled. Yeah, and the only result was a police report from 2013 where he was arrested for soliciting minors on Craigslist.
So yeah, never be a child star, basically. We're not even a star, a child extra.
Oh, man. Good times. And you see now the movie and the popcorn are over, but I was just starting to enjoy myself here. I literally live next door to a Cineplex. Let's just go see a random 930 show. Popcorn, candy, laughable plot twists, floors you can spill shit on. Yes, I'd watch that. OK, do you think this was actually shot in Prague?
I don't know. It's like, shh. I have a daughter who wants to be a stripper. I was wondering if you had... Oh, God.
Here we go with the terrible strip club scene that at no point intersects with reality. Hey, just pick a group of people who aren't likely to tell their own stories and stereotype the shit out of them. Look at those moves, literally from the 80s. I mean, am I the only person thinking that a lot of shit in movies is dependent on ignorance for it to be interesting? Hollywood is so dehumanizing. I bet if I met a stripper in real life, she'd be nothing like the cliches in this stupid movie. And there's the obligatory lines of coke scene.
Oh, for God's sakes. Keep it down. Sex with my daughter is a risky game. If you're not careful, I will do unspeakable things to you. Things they couldn't even put in the Geneva Convention because they're too filthy. Holy shit. Dude, chill out.
This movie is actually the worst.
If I was alone... If I was here alone, I'd walk out right now, but I have to stay for his sake.
Holy shit, this movie is the worst. Ted, why are movies so bad?
Ted, I know you can hear me. Ted! Did you say something?
Maybe movies are like elections. The only way to get party status is to appeal to the largest group of people, i.e. people who do not give a fuck about anyone. i.e. every popular movie is an adaptation of a wretchedly bad amateur novel that every idiot bought because they could relate to the incoherence. Fucking 50 Twilight shades of the Martian da Vinci on the train. Man, I loved that movie. It was real entertaining. There were some trans people in the theater, though, and I ain't prejudiced or nothing, but them trans people should be sent back to Transylvania.
Damn it. I feel like you just said something funny. Ted, if you're an abandoned prog, is it automatically prog rock? Fuck, this material is going to waste here. This always happens to me. I specifically love the subject matter, but then I end up hating the movie.
I mean, listen to this guy. He literally talks with the exact same cadence and intonation in every scene. It's like he's perpetually reading a limerick.
I mean, am I the only person thinking that this is the worst movie ever and... Everyone in it made more money than I'll ever have and...
I can occasionally see people checking their phones and... Maybe there are people who think the same thing. Maybe there's a constellation of similar views in here, only visible from a distance but burning bright in the silent darkness of the cosmos.
This movie sucks. Did someone just say this movie sucks?
Shhh. Presumably, as it sucks, human beings only use 10% of their brands. But you, my friend, are special. You use 11% and us... Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Shhh. No, you know what? You're not going to shush fact-checking. Humans use 10% of their brain the same way we use 8% of a calendar. That is not anyone's real hair. And you're watching pole dancing from 30 years ago. The more you know. Will you shut up? The dude's speech, where he explains the origin of the rule of thumb, was bullshit too, if anyone's wondering. Oh, I noticed that too. How hard is it to Google that, eh? Shhh. You watch enough stupid movies made by smart people and you have to wonder, you know? Yeah, completely.
Like, what's the word for when the application of collective intelligence results in something that's less intelligent? I can't fucking hear the movie. Yeah, and then, like, we put our heads together and come up with this total piece of shit and it would at least be entertaining if you could talk during it. But we also established a culture of art criticism where the audience's rule doesn't even matter.
So just sit down and shut up. Sit down and shut...
Yeah, that. The intellectual focus of the entire process is actually the financing. But fuck you if you don't take the plot seriously. Oh, I want a piece of this, actually. So what are you saying, that movies are just financial exercises?
Well, at least to the extent that it's a bit precious to say that you'd better sit there and watch them in reverent silence. Will you please stop talking? Yeah, but people are paying to hear the actors speak, not the audience. But a theater full of people is a stupid thing to seek out if what you really want is silence.
Hey, it's a self-resolving problem. If the movie was good, we'd all be so enraptured that we wouldn't be having this conversation. There's a cure for syphilis, and it's called a 357 magnum. Yeah, if. But a movie can still be good and make you immediately want to discuss it, though. So shouldn't you be able to? Yeah, art is supposed to meet the needs of the audience. So if it merits a debate, then...
Okay, if you guys don't shut the fuck up, We are trying to have a conversation? Fuck, let's take this outside. It's too hard to have a discussion in here. No kidding.
Whatever movies are, I just get so sick of the cliches. On screen, everything's so cut and dry.
Meanwhile, in real life, the strip club is the one place I don't fucking get groped by sociopaths. Figure that the fuck out. Oh, I know.
I get sick of movies being so forgettable, yet I can perfectly remember every good heckling I've participated in. So many memories. As much as I am pro-shishing, literally the only reason I remember seeing Inception is because a fight broke out in the theater.
Bitch, I'll kill you!
Was this a diversity? That actually might have been me. Fuck, I was only there for the air conditioning. Hey, I'm just here for the popcorn. Right? I think that art is subjective, you know, and it brings people together by how they subjectively react to it.
Imagine if you couldn't talk at rock concerts or football games. Stop the game! Someone's talking!
Yeah, it's fucked that we don't at least have talking and non-talking theaters, eh? Just put an extra screen out here. Popcorn, candy, lounge seating, not having to turn your phone off. Yeah. I'd watch that.
So was that movie shot in Prague or what? I have been to Prague and that was not Prague. Which is weird because they do film tons of shit in Prague. If you're in a band in Prague, is it automatically Prague Rock?
Ha. Oh, Jesus. So what did you think? Oh my god, that was so bad. I know, I wanted to say something like the entire time.
I don't think I should sleep with a 17-year-old. How about two 17-year-olds?
Alright, good. Don't worry, you two won't even know I'm here. Alright, I found a ruler. Just sit over here. Now is the time for dick measuring. Oh, hi.
Didn't see you there. I'm John. I play Jackson on People Watching. Thanks for checking out this episode. If you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at peoplewatch underscore. Now if you'll excuse me. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_claims_constitution_should_be_terminated_brittney_griner_freed_snl | Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. he got Brittany Griner back. he kept marriage gay. And he's only got 14 more sleeps until Santa. But then, just when he thought he had it all under control, Kirsten Sinema said, hold My Wig. Arizona Senator Kirsten Sinema, seen here, realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she's leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, pay attention to me. Wnba star Brittany Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Boot. it's actually a great trade because Boot was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game. Raphael Wardknot defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. you know, but I don't think this is the last you'll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he's your biological father. Wardknot's win, Democrats in the senate will no longer have to rely on Vice President Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority, waiting for a worse bike accident. the Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same-sex marriage. But, honey, I don't know any gay couple who's going to hire a designer with those highlights. Honey.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
During oral arguments in the case, Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a klan robe? Alito added that he'd love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week. Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.
And as you guys saw today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. it is, uh, yeah, it's the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn't do it! Portugal's head coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today's loss. even more insulting, at halftime, he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittany Griner. But the biggest upset so far in the World Cup was that favorite Brazil was eliminated. except for a tiny strip down the middle. Nike has officially. Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti-semitism scandal. Kyrie says he's so depressed, he might jump off the edge of the world. Today, today was the Santacon Bar Crawl in New York City. yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn't. Laughter. |
cracked | why_we_need_to_say_goodbye_to_vaping | Hey America, let's talk. I'm not going to mince words here, I think you have a problem, and that problem is vaping.
I know it seemed like a miracle at first. All the nicotine of a cigarette, but none of the smoke or smell of the real thing. It's like you're smoking water, basically. How great is that? Too great to be true, as it turns out. That's not water you're inhaling with your nicotine.
It's usually propylene glycol. You know what else has propylene glycol in it? Anaphories. That's water in the same way Russian aftershave is booze. In theory, yes, but only a crazy person wants to drink it.
If you weren't able to do the math, that's worse. I'm not going to do it for you. Well, that's only one chemical.
Cigarettes contain like 8,000. So by that measure, vaping must be better than smoking, right? But is better than smoking really the threshold you want to measure your life choices by? Cigarettes kill 160,000 people every year. They're one of the deadliest products ever made. Better than cigarettes is right up there with better than Hitler when it comes to reassuring statements. Oh, but there's no evidence that e-cigarettes lead to health problems, right? Yeah, that's kind of true. But it's more like they just haven't been around long enough for science to gauge the long-term effects of prolonged use.
Until then, keep in mind who you're putting your faith in, vaping enthusiasts. The blue e-cig company was recently purchased by Laura Lard, the third largest cigarette manufacturer in the United States. In other words, big tobacco. And they definitely aren't the only one of those corporate monsters getting in on the game. Now ask yourself this. When has big tobacco ever operated in the best interest of the public? Just look at the kind of celebrity endorsements they're lining up. That's why I'm in love with blue e-cigs.
I can whip out my blue and not worry about scaring that special someone away. Know what I'm saying? No, scaring people away is what you're crazy is for. Ah, Jenny McCarthy.
Better than Stephen Dorff. Right? It's also worth noting that no matter what the ads may imply to the contrary, you don't look nearly this cool when you smoke an e-cigarette in public. And that's a picture of Stephen Dorff. You're less cool than Stephen Dorff. You're Stephen Dorff.
That's especially true if you're smoking one of those gigantic weapons-grade rigs with a tank that holds enough juice to addict an entire village of third world kids and a battery strong enough to power the drone Big Tobacco with Lobby Congress to send over to destroy that village if they ever tried to make e-cigarettes illegal. You don't look like the future. You look like you're blowing a robot. Also, can someone explain competitive vaping to me?
I promise that's a thing. The people who do it are even proud enough to put it on video. Hello, men's rights activists. Let's go to the action. Exciting so far. Let's keep going.
So I guess the person who doesn't cough up blood wins? Way to suck it, bro. He'll regret that victory when he's got funeral home lung 15 years from now. Anyway, here's my point. All of this shit is stupid.
Vaping will never replace cigarettes entirely. We need them to make us look cool in pictures, if nothing else. In the dream that nicotine fiends would be able to freely smoke e-cigs in public, died a long time ago. People treat them exactly like cigarettes now. If you want to smoke one, go outside. Once you strip that benefit away, all you're left with is the hope that a lifetime of using them won't kill you, and that hope lies in the hands of big tobacco.
Call me crazy, but I don't like your chances. For more information visit www.fema.gov |
cracked | 4_movie_straw_men_characters_that_keep_showing_up_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and like you, I demand that movies be uncompromisingly realistic at all times, no matter what. Not when dinosaurs, or magic, or superpowers, or space wars, or games of throne are involved, obviously. But there's this one logical leap that's been bugging me since I was five and watching Jaws for the hundredth time.
I'm talking about the useless, stubborn, dipshit character who only exists to manufacture plot for the hero. Known as straw men, for the life-sized effigies we all stuff with hey as teenagers and practice our sexual maneuvers on, known as straw men for the military training dummies who stand in for actual enemies during military field exercises, these characters behave in a way that would never happen in real life, all in the name of moving the story forward. I'm talking about straw men like...
Venice Franz plays Carmine Lorenzo, the pant-crapingly incompetent chief of police of Dulles International Airport. John McClain happens to be at that airport and happens to come across some well-armed terrorists who he quickly dispatches. He wants to inform Carmine and start a formal investigation into the matter and Carmine says, good point fellow law enforcement official, let's get started. Nah, just kidding, he flips out, throws McClain out of his office and threatens to kick him out of his airport.
Look, you are in my little pond now, and I am the big fish that runs it. Nobody refers to themselves as the big fish in a little pond, that's right up there with wondering aloud if somebody might be compensating for something, for the sort of circumspect self-awareness that angry men tend not to possess mid-tyrate.
It's not like John McClain is some random punk, he's an actual cop and a really good one, Carmine knows this because he saw the first die hard like the rest of us, but instead of saying, hey, you're that hero cop from the news who's really good at being a cop, or hey, even if you weren't a hero, I'd still listen to you because you're an experienced cop, or hey, here's just a basic amount of respect I'd show anyone. He says, you think that LA badge is gonna get you a free lunch or something around here? No, maybe a little professional courtesy. In an airport at Christmas week, you gotta be kidding. I mean, when you put it that way, yes, doubly yes, actually. You should be nice and professional with fellow cops all the time, but now that you mention it, yes, especially because it's Christmas. Good point.
Hey, hey, McClain, don't start believing your own press, huh? Yeah, yeah, I know all about you and that Naka-Tomi thing in LA, but just because the TV thinks you're a hot s**t, that don't make it so. So Carmine knows that McClain almost single-handedly stopped major terrorist thieves in Los Angeles, which he seems to think is some glorified piss-stop on the way from Sacramento to San Diego and not one of the biggest, most difficult-to-police cities in the world. I'll send your f**king captain in LA a f**king commendation. All of this is doubly insane when you remember McClain isn't acting on a hunch. He legitimately ran into bad guys with special guns that won't get picked up on metal detectors. There's an actual threat, and all Carmine can say is, Los Angeles, jerk off motion, jerk off motion, jerk off motion, jerk off motion. It's worth noting that, like any good straw man argument, Carmine goes out of his way to ignore some actually very good reasons to mistrust McClain.
The guy just shot someone he thinks is a terrorist on the one-year anniversary of the time he shot a bunch of terrorists. Logic would dictate that wouldn't happen to one-off-duty cop once, let alone a second time on the anniversary of the first time. A rational person could be forgiven for assuming McClain's just suffering from PTSD. A single Christmas hasn't passed without him accidentally running into terrorists and being forced to kill one. That's a great reason to distrust him. Maybe hold him for questioning.
I got everybody from the Shriners convention to the goddamn Boy Scouts traipsing through here. I got lost kids, lost dogs, not now, later. I got international diplomats. I got a fucking reindeer flying in here from the fucking petting zoo. The fact that your airport has Boy Scouts, Shriners, and a reindeer passing through it?
Not a great reason. Or even a reason, really? You're yada-yadaing over what is, at the very least, manslaughter in order to kick the person who did it out of your office because you've got traveling Shriners to worry about? Who gives a shit if Shriners are delayed? It's also important to remember that absolutely none of this is earned.
We're not leaving out a scene in the beginning where McClain walks into his office and was like, hey, Carmine, fuck you, fuck planes. LAX is a better airport. I don't respect your authority. I'm from Hollyweird and you can suck my dick. He shows up to help and Carmine immediately decides to make McClain's job of stopping the terrorists just a little bit harder. But it's all worth it so McClain can get off this sick burn. Hey, Carmine, let me ask you something.
What sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?
Oh, snap. That didn't make sense.
Matthew Modian's character in Dark Knight Rises, acting commissioner Peter Foley, was more excited about catching Batman than he was about catching actual criminals. When he's not ignoring terrorists, he's telling Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the only competent cop in the movie, to shut the hell up. Did someone get this hot head out of here? His primary problem with Levitt seems to be that he's a hotshot. Even though all evidence suggests that his definition of hotshot is one who does basic police work.
Yeah, John Daggett's body was just found in Dumpster an hour ago. Thought you might want to know. Why?
Well, his name's all over these permits I just pulled to map the tunnels under Gotham. That's MTA maintenance, sewer construction, other things. What did you get to with the tunnel searches?
Remind me to tell detail, to keep hot heads out. But it's not clear what they are looking for in a Gotham police officer, because when Bane takes the Gotham Stock Exchange hostage and the police are called in, Foley responds with this. They have direct access to the online trading decks. I'm not risking my men for your money. I'm not risking my men for your money, but you're the police. We need you to, from time to time, put your men at risk to stop crimes from happening. I know it sucks, but that's the system. You can't be against vigilantes, but four cops who pick and choose their cases. You can't hold back the police until just their money's at risk. We need them for all crimes. Ideally, there'd be no crimes, but that's not our situation right now. Starting to see why this town needed a Batman.
To be honest, the title of Straw Man Supreme could extend to almost everyone in the first two Ghostbusters movies. The general public's response to the Ghostbusters can best be summed up by the scene where they're forced to work as birthday party clowns for disrespectful kids, because everyone apparently forgot they saved New York from Ghost 9-11. Today, we're gonna focus on the king of all and grateful dickheads, Walter Peck, the EPA agent who makes it his mission to stop the Ghostbusters from busting, regardless of how good it makes one feel.
Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Beckman? Well, I have PhDs in parapsychology and psychology. I see. And now you catch ghosts. That's Peck's first scene in the movie. He meets Dr. Beckman for the first time, finds out he has two PhDs and catches actual ghosts, and his conclusion is still, nah, you ain't shit. I'll call you Mr. Beckman.
Will anything impress you, man? Jesus, I'd hate to be that guy's kids. Yes, it's true. This man has no dick. But maybe that won't be a problem. And just to be clear, this guy's objection has nothing to do with the fact that he wants to investigate the equipment the Ghostbusters were using to see if it has any negative impacts on the environment, which would be reasonable given his job. His problem is that in his heart, he believes the ghosts are an elaborate hoax. Don't patronize me. I'm not grotesquely stupid like the people you built.
The Ghostbusters have been busting ghosts all over the city and on TV for at least weeks, but he insists the Ghostbusters are using scents and gases and then doing elaborate light shows. These men are consummate snowball artists. They use scents and nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing ghosts, and they call these bozos who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show. Keep in mind it's 1984. Real human beings alive in 1984 were impressed with the special effects in the movie, Ghostbusters, because they were some of the most advanced special effects anyone had ever seen on film, where you've got the help of editing and mirrors and colored pencils. I'm not sure how special effects work. Meanwhile, this guy and millions of eyewitnesses see these things happen in real time in real actual reality, and he's still like, nah, that's a special effect.
I would know I hold a vague job at the Environmental Protection Agency. Oh, there's also this scene where he tells a police officer to shoot one of the Ghostbusters if they talk or move. My friend, don't be a jerk. Step aside, if he does that again, you can shoot him. I don't think a random EPA agent has authority over NYPD to order executions at will, but luckily cooler heads prevailed. You do your job, pencil neck. Don't tell me how to do mine, you officer. Smart, good cop, good cop. Good of you not to shoot any of those scientists at the behest of a clear maniac.
Now, as I alluded to up top, Jaws has been one of my favorite movies since I was four. To this day, the first thing my cousins from Philly asked me about is Jaws, which, if you wanna know how to pronounce Jaws in Philadelphia, it's the plural of Joel, as in, yo, Jackie, you gonna stay ham and watch Joles? Anyways, I never made my love affair with Jaws a secret because why would it be a secret? Liking Jaws is nothing to be ashamed of because it's a perfect movie, except this one part which isn't perfect.
This guy, he sucks. First thing that happens in this movie is people get eaten by a shark on a beach. So before we meet any of the characters we care about, we get shark death.
The mayor asks Chief Brody what to do, and Brody says, hey, let's close the beach and get rid of that human-murdering shark before any more humans get murdered by sharks at our beach. We're not only gonna have to close the beach, we're gonna have to hire somebody to kill the shark. I mean, we're gonna have to tell the Coast Guard. We're gonna have to contact the shark research panel.
And the mayor's like, well, we tried everything.
The beaches stay open. But those beaches will be open for this weekend.
Of course, there's no reason for a person like this to exist anywhere other than a movie plot. He's not gonna shut down the beaches just because a shark is eating people and shark experts think it's gonna keep happening. He asks shark experts their opinion and then tells them to go fuck themselves. Why even have shark experts on retainer at that point?
It's a question every politician must confront at one time or another. The tiny beach community of Amity apparently has some sort of terrible gambling cocaine addiction because they can't afford to sit out one 4th of July. We depend on the summer people here for our very lot.
Yeah, there's a chance someone will be brutally dismembered in front of a national TV audience already aware that attacks have happened there. Sure, they have conditions for a mass panic on their hands already. Yeah, they have to patrol the ocean with a SWAT team of armed people who almost shoot a kid for swimming with a fake shark fin on his back.
It's worth the risk so that people can fucking swim. Also, this is the only beach in America, I guess. Man, this mayor must've been elected on a strictly pro-swimming at all costs platform.
And to be clear, the only victory that Chief Brody got was convincing the mayor to hire Quint. I'm gonna hire Quint to kill the shark. He never said, I need the army to come in and help me wipe out the shark and devastate local businesses. It was just, hey, can we hire this weird drunk who hates sharks and is good at finding them, please? And only after someone was murdered by a shark at his beach in front of him and the entire nation on the nation's birthday was the mayor like, hmm, I guess.
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed that. If you can think of other movie straw men, please share them in the comment section. Or if you have other words spoken with a Philadelphia accent that you can phonetically spell for me. For example, Jaws being Joel's or Todd Glass has a thing about how people from Philadelphia say Philadelphia is fluffy, fluffy. Please share that in the comment section as well and like and subscribe. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_109_Thommo | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live from the Queensland Channel Country. You're with myself Clancy Overall and Errol Parker and today's guest is another one of those big hitters we were able to get purely because the entire country is in lockdown and he's got fuck all else to do.
You might know him as Tomo, those close to him know him as Geoffrey Robert the nature boy Thompson. How are you? Hey good boys, good to talk to the Batooter boys. Now how's things going Tomo, last we heard you were actually, you were in the headlines of being for quite a generous gesture with, you were selling your baggy green for the bushfire effort. How did that all pan out? That went pretty well, I was involved with the auctions, Lloyd's auctions which I'm sort of indirectly tangled up with, so that raised I think about 55 grand.
So that was better than a poke in the eye with a stick, so much better than the thing sitting in the cabin getting moths eating it. Because we heard at the same time that a New South Wales bowler called Doug the rug, he actually decided to auction off his hairpiece for the bushfire appeal. His baggy blonde. Yeah the old Bollinger, if he was better off selling a bottle of Bollinger than selling his rug, how would that go with Coronavirus? I think if he gave me a hairpiece he'd want to belt shit out of it with a cricket bat to kill all the bloody bugs out of it.
Now what are your thoughts on Coronavirus, I mean obviously it's a smart thing to not be playing any cricket right now, but cricket is a distant kind of sport, it's not like these NRL players or these AFL players are going to be running into each other in probably a month's time. What have you kind of heard? Does it look like it's all indefinitely on hold?
Yeah well I mean even my wife said that to me the other day, she said it's a bit weird because cricket, you're not near anybody, I mean the only time these guys are near anybody when they give high fives and all this and a hug and all that sort of shit, I mean I never bothered with that, I didn't even bother walking up the other end. But cricket, you know you are, everyone's scattered around the field generally, the slips aren't too close together and it's just the guy bowling the ball isn't it, you know and then you throw the ball to somebody else. So I mean how do you wipe the ball all the time in between overs, but I mean basically there's less contact in cricket than most things. Yeah sorry but I mean I don't know what they're going to do with it, it's still a matter of people coming to the ground if they're going to let them in, I mean the players can play with nobody there that's for sure, I mean they basically do anyway. You go to a state game there and there's nobody there except their bloody relatives and that you know. And then a test match, unless for the old different games, there's a few there but not as many as there used to be so, I mean that's the biggest problem. What do you think it would be like to play say a Boxing Day test match at the MCG to a state cricket crowd? You mean nobody there, nobody there, that would be really weird, that would be so weird I didn't like the MCG anyway but there's too many Victorians there for a starter. No but the ground itself was just too big, I didn't like the bigness of the place. The crowd was great you know, they'd get behind everybody and all that but yeah it'd be really weird to play, I don't know if it would be hard because I've never had to put up with it, you know when you walk out there and nobody there, you think what's going on, are we practicing or something. Tell us a little bit about, I mean coronavirus is one thing, I'm sure you know way back in the history books we've seen something like this before where you know a pandemic has shut down cricket, it's a rather old game but you've actually seen you know similar world events that have kind of limited your gameplay or at least your work when you're commentating. There's been a lot of wars in the Middle East for a long time and they've been playing cricket for a long time in the Middle East as well, have you kind of seen that first hand you know like either world conflicts?
My first introduction to the way the rest of the world operates was 75 I think it was, yeah it would have been 74, 5, in England 75 it was, IRA, you know bombs going off in London, I got blown up in the London Sportsman's Club, they had a deal with us because most of our team were just hopeless gamblers, you know I mean they just love roulette and guards and you know whatever else and so we had a free deal at the casinos. Yeah right. So we're sitting in this London casino this night at the top of Oxford Street, IRA let off a bomb which was only like not much higher than me above us, below us sorry and right out the front and every kid think I'm flying off the wall, shit going everywhere and besides the ones at our patch, but we're just sitting there and we all looked at one another it's really weird you know it's just you get this, it's like the wave hit you of the bomb blast and then the sound comes later it's really weird and then all this shit flying everywhere and you all look at one another and you're gone that's a friggin bomb and it wasn't very far away, so we thought we checked the numbers, we're all safe, shit and dust all over us and all that, it was Rod Marsh, Richie Robinson, I forget who else myself and a couple others. All the usual suspects. Yeah and we looked at one another and I said to them, well they didn't get us so we're safe now, so we kept drinking and going on, ten minutes later an announcement comes over the thing with those left in the club pleased by the exit as soon as we got to down the Strand hotel I tell you, which was probably two miles away. Well that was just one, and then I go to Pakistan, that was my playing days, but then I go to Pakistan as a commentator and Australia weren't there, it was New Zealand versus Pakistan, Lahore, I think it was, I can't remember now, anyway I was commentating and it was a morning and the evening before it was a day off, so Hooksy and myself were out around the pool, because there's nothing else to do in Pakistan, what a shit hole back then, you couldn't go anywhere you know seriously, and it was better than my playing days, so we were playing, for lack of a better word, volleyball with all these young engineer's bikes and they were French, and I said what are you guys doing here, and they'd been employed by the Pakistan government to build submarines, so these guys are all there and we've played for hours with them and drank with them, anyway next morning we've got to go to work, right, the cricket, so these guys had to go to work before us, so they had a bus outside parked right next to the restaurant where we had breakfast, and I kept walking out the door in my hotel room and thinking oh shit I forgot something, go back in you know because you've got a cometer, and then I forgot my tie, the last thing I went back for was my tie, as I opened the door to get my tie, bomb's gone off and I made a serious bomb, and I knew a bomb by then, I'd already been blown up before, I've gone shit, you know, and everything gets blown out of the room, you know, like seriously, so then I walk back out the room to see Danny Morrison, who does commentary still, and he's an alert attack, and we've got a couple of Pakistani commentators with us, I go to Danny's room, which is just around the corner, and he was right above where the bus was, you know, what they did was blew up these guys in the bus because it was opposition, they didn't like the government that employed these blokes, they took it out on these poor young blokes, and Danny's completely in the raw, glass and shit, all you can imagine in the room, it's just like you couldn't throw that much broken glass around if you tried, and he's in the raw, and he doesn't know what to do, I said Morrison what are you doing, he's gone shit to up, he said what the hell's that, I said it's a bomb dickhead, get your wallet, get your passport and fire me, and I said by the way, why are you in the raw, he said I was just doing push-ups, anyway, he went away from home from his sheep, so then I walk out the door and there's one of these Pakistanis with no daks on, and I'm like God, what the hell are we here, he was sitting on the shit house, and then the bomb goes off, what happens is anything in the shit house gets blown up, I won't tell you the rest but you can guess, so then I grabbed the hooksy, I said come with me, get out around the pool, we can't get blown up there, and I went down around the pool there, but these guys, they'd blown up the bus that these poor guys were on, these French guys that we were all just mates with, because I was late getting out of the room, I didn't get killed because I would have sat right next to the window where their bus would have been three metres from me at the mouse, so I kept forgetting shit, it was like somebody was looking after me and I didn't get down there, anyway, all these, the Pakistani army are out, they've got snipers up on the roof and all this sort of crap, and I just walk outside at the bomb blast site with my camera, the whole deal is walk out there through the, you know, a hoarding saying nobody in, I just walked through it, ducked underneath, and I'm filming the crater, I'm filming young people blowing up and all this shit, because Morrison didn't still believe me, it was a bomb, and I thought oh shit, just show this dickhead what happens when a bomb goes, and I walk back in, and here's all these Pakistanis in there, repairing the hotel, like this is instantly, just for tourists, nothing went wrong, they're fucking repairing the joint like as if nothing happened. Oh shit, this is the shit you've got to put up with when you go to those places. They move pretty quick, Jesus. Yeah, yeah. No, so, and I was, and then I missed, another time I missed the Potters Bar train, you know the Potters Bar train where 120 people got killed out of Paddington or somewhere, Roxy was late, I was late so I missed the train, that one pulled out and smashed, wham, so I missed that one, and then another time in a plane we hit some palm trees taking off, and I had to land again, and I've had a couple other times where some aeroplanes have blown up their motors and we had to do emergency landing, so I'm actually a cat, a tomcat with no nose, but I think I've lost about seven.
You tell us a little bit about that era, you were playing some people that really don't really get that much of a look in nowadays, particularly, you would have got to know the West Indies quite well, a lot, you would have a much different time playing them than today's players, what was that like? We used to play them a lot because I first played them in 76, 75 in the World Cup, then 76 they came here, then we played them again in 78, we went there with Cricket Australia when Welser's cricket was on, and then they came back obviously in the 80s and Kerry Packer, when he got the cricket rights, didn't want shit cricket, so he kept bringing the West Indies over to play. They were big draw cards, so our poor batsman, they must have had a real restless life in their career in those 80s and had the other face in the West Indies all the time, they just had a shitload of quick bowlers that were really good and scary, and they had a shitload of good batsmen, but it was good times, they were really good bikes, great bikes. So Tomo, I just want to again go back to fast bowling because I've heard this urban legend around is in 1979 they held a competition for the world's fastest bowler, I heard you had quite the hangover that day and you did win most accurate bowler and fastest bowler on the day.
That's correct. Well it was Welser's cricket, so I've been duped back into Welser's cricket, I was banned so I couldn't play, so what I used to do was train with the boys and that was it, I couldn't go out and play when they played. Yeah, yeah.
How long were you banned? Because we'd had a Kerry Packer tried to get me released from Cricket Australia to play and they didn't want me playing because then it would have been Lillian Thompson back again. Big draw card over the Cricket Australia test team that were there, you know, so they got me blocked. So here I am in Perth it was, and what I used to do when the boys went out in the field was go up in the box with Kerry Packer, there was Strop Hoags, Don Lane or whatever celebrities from TV were there, and we'd just get on the gas.
Beautiful, beautiful.
So the boys, I forget what happened, they were training, warming up or whatever, and I'm up there having a few beers because I don't think it was probably going to be a day nighter, so it was after lunch. And I'd thrown down probably half a dozen beers and KP, Kerry Packer, walked up to me and he's gone, what are you doing here son?
You know, I can't talk to him, but it was even deeper and rougher than that. I said, what do you mean boss?
What else do I do? This is all I do.
He said, the first bowling competition's on that out, sonny. I said, yeah, well, I can't go in that. Anyway, he says, I run this joint, son, you can go in it. He said, once more, you better win. Now, on my way down, I'm thinking, well, I reckon he's got a few grand on this, on me winning this. I'd better sober up and hurry and win this freaking thing.
I wasn't so much worried about the money, I was worried about Kerry Packer and strangling me. So we go down and I got no gear. And I said to the boys, who's got some shit? And I had a beer in my hand still.
So there's Joel Garner and Michael Holden, Andy Roberts, everyone there, and Garth LaRue and Seth Fazen, buddy. No, he wasn't there. It was Emran. Emran straddling around like coolers can be, you know, and all that shit. And I'm watching this shit, and I borrowed some gear off Dennis and some off Lanny Pascoe. Hadley was there as well, Richard Hadley, I think. He had them all there.
And I'm watching them bowl, and they're bowling bounces, and they're bowling rat power, you know, they're bowling. But I thought, this is shit, I could do this left-handed. So I put down my beer, it's my turn to bowl, and I worked it out very quickly. You just don't hit the pitch, bowl full tosses and then bowl them straight and hit the stump. So I won five grand for the fastest and five grand for the straightest.
Thank you very much. And I tell you come up to me was, anyway, he's a match referee, wasn't he? He come up to me afterwards, and he said, hey Toma, he said, we're all sharing this, aren't we?
Mike Proctor, Mike Proctor. I said, Proctor, he pissed off. I said, mate, you're a medium-pacer, you've got no fucking chance. And seriously, so I went upstairs.
He used to bowl off the wrong foot, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, there was another one. He bowled pretty rapid and came back too, that bar. He was a pretty handy cricketer. He would have a sore back now.
I don't know, isn't he? He's good as gold. He's built like a tank.
It was a rough action though, wasn't it? Yeah, shit, you know, as a kid coming in, you wouldn't see him bowling your own ass. Yeah, good, mate, just do your best. When you get those kids with shit actions, you just pretend you're helping them. Yeah. How did you develop your action? Because it's not an ordinary one, but it's one that obviously hasn't been able to be beaten in terms of raw speed. I was just born with it, just born with it. Luckily, I didn't mean it.
My dad bowled like that and I was just born bowled like that. Well, some of my brothers bowled like that. My boys here can bowl exactly like me and I didn't show them.
They just know it works pretty easy. They work it out for themselves.
Tom, you just mentioned before the great man, Lenny Pascoe. You two kind of came up together. Were you neighbors as kids, or you lived in the same area? Where did you two meet? We probably lived, to be truthful, about five or six Ks apart, or it wasn't Ks in those days, but miles, but that's what it was.
I only ran into him at primary school. We actually played against one another. Yeah, right. We didn't play against one another playing rugby league, but we did maybe in football or soccer, but we definitely did in cricket. The first day I met Lenny, it was Common Park, primary burst, North Bankstown or something like that, I think he went to. Anyway, he bowled first and got about five wickets or something like that for about 10 or 12. Yeah. Thought he was hot shit, so did I. I bowled second and got seven for about six. And we brought him out the water. It was funny, that was our first ever meeting, and then we just ran into one another after that. When you start playing on weekends, you start beating one another. We didn't really team up until we went to high school. We went to the same high school there, so we just played together from there on. All the way up. Yeah.
What was it like? I mean, obviously, there's been a lot of famous cricketers who have come out of that part of the world since then as well. Was it a religion out there, weekend sport, particularly cricket? What it was, was it was the outskirts of Sydney.
Yeah. Right? Yeah. So all the young married couples got out of Sydney and moved to those areas, Bankstown and Liverpool, and that's where all the young kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sydney got old. Yeah.
And the suburbs started to take over, and now it's gone to Penrith and such, way, way up. But we were the outskirts of Sydney, and we had so many good players. I mean, look at Canberra, Bankstown, rugby league team.
Half of them played with us, and vice versa. We were all the kids. They were playing everything together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why it was just a no-brainer.
Do you think the Westie thing is lacking in the Australian cricket side at the moment? Because they're a bit cookie cutter nowadays. They're a bit woman's day. But back in your day, there was a bit more rough around the edges.
And even then, you had the Warboys, and then you had ... Well, they were after us. They played with our club. They were with our club. So the Warboys were there.
There was Steve Smalley and Davis, all these blokes that come on from there. There was a lot more came from Bankstown. I was the second ever from Bankstown to play for Australia. There was a bloke before me called Graham Thomas, and then it was myself and then Lenny after that. That started the ball rolling, and then it was just a procession. So how long were you playing in Bankstown before the big time came knocking? Well, to be honest with you, Errol, and this has not been a big hit, I should have played for Australia when I was 16 or 17. I played first grade and got, I don't know, 60 wickets in my first year. We were playing against test players.
Yeah. And I'd get them out. They were scared shit of me.
At 16, I was bowling. I was bowling like a rocket, and nothing was new.
And that's not being big-headed. I was looking at the players that were playing for New South Wales and for Australia there, and if I couldn't have done better, I'd have given it away. But you could see that there, and I'm a guy that doesn't give up easy. Well, we weren't even playing for New South Wales then.
I went to their training and got everyone else scared the shit out of them. But they didn't pick Lenny and myself because we used to go surfing. We used to go out in the bush and then go surfing and that all the time, and turn up the training every now and then and scare the shit out of everyone and then disappear again.
And then finally they had to pick us when I was 21 or something like that. So it was a delayed thing. It was probably my own fault a bit with Attitude, but it could have happened five years earlier.
You and Lenny used to go pigging in the off-season. That was your... Not Lenny, but I did. Where did you pick that up? Because I know you're in the outskirts of Sydney back then, Bankstown's almost semi-rural. That's quite an interesting off-season activity.
Did it keep you right in the head, do you reckon? Was it almost therapeutic going out there? Yeah, yeah it was because it got me away from all the press and all of a sudden being a kid that used to be left alone to being bombarded, you know? And it didn't really worry me, but I just couldn't be bothered with that shit.
And I thought the best way to do this is go out in the farms, see my aunties and uncles that came from out Kondoba, middle of New South Wales. Shannon Knoll Country.
Yeah, yeah. Well, exactly.
So we could go out there anytime we like. And I used to go out there and there in Tottenham, which is a bit north of there. And then I took the Bankstown team out there and we'd play on Easter weekends and we'd drink them out of Uzo rum, everything that was going. And the boys just thought, how good's this out in the bush? It's just the best place ever.
And all the teams they've applied and half the team we've made up were kids from the bush. They were always... This is not a bullshit story. They were always the toughest and better players you play with.
You know what I mean? Like, if you're in the shit, you can count on them to try and hang in there, you know? In that area, you had a lot of, I mean, particularly in the Australian side, you had a lot, like, you know, someone from everywhere in the country. Nowadays... Yeah, all over. Yeah. Nowadays, there's often, like, there's a lot of kind of feeder areas and, you know, certain schools people go to where they come out of and play cricket. But back then, you could have someone from Tassie, you'd have someone from, you know, guys that were farmers, guys from off, hey, guys that were sheep farmers, all this sort of thing. Yeah. You know, you didn't realize that till you met up with them and what they did, you know? And they're all similar personalities too, it sounds like, you know? Well, you had to, the kids then had to pack up and leave those country areas because nobody went looking for them and had to go to the city and hope like shit they got picked. Yeah.
You know, and now they say they go looking for them and all that sort of stuff, but I don't know how hard they look and it depends how good the bloke is. The talent scout, whether he's got an idea or whatever, whether he picks the right kids. I go out in the bush and I see kids that are really, really good and they haven't got a go.
And I say, what the fuck's going on here? And their mother said to me, Tomo, can you help me out? I mean, what am I going to do?
I'm not, because cricket's so involved now, you can't just walk up and say, oh, just have a look at this kid. You know, the bullshitters that have been hired by Cricket Australia or the bullshitters would get their nose out of the joint and say, oh, we can't have him in here. It's going to look bad for me.
If I can let him in, you know what I mean? Yeah. Tomo's just walked in here with an iPhone video. Yeah.
You know what's going to happen by now is that what I heard of Cricket Australia is those bullshitters, like assistant coaches, who needs a coach, let alone an assistant coach, will be redundant, apparently. And there's going to be a few more of the staff, you know, all these bloody staff that want a piece of the cake, are all going to be getting the arse. So apparently one of the coaches, state coach, said the other day to a bloke I know, that cricket will go back 15 years when this COVID's all over.
Yeah, right. Now, what he meant by that was there will be less crutches in the dressing room, less people, less bullshit advisors, and the players will actually have to fucking think for themselves for once, which is, mate, when we played, there was no coach. We just, there was us in the room, the manager, and the roomies, the other guys that got you the piss. That's it. So we, you know, if you're playing for Australia, God, you should have fucking sorted out your life by then. I know what you've got to do and all that sort of shit. What do you need some wanker?
That food there is no good for you. We used to have a pile of cigarettes to the roof, boxes from Betz and Ledgers and piss galore. Nobody ever come in and said, you can't smoke that or drink that.
You won't be a fucking good player. Legends say no to Doug Waters.
Eat it like the pricks out. Do you reckon they're going to trim a bit of fat in the next few months? Well, it'll be good fat. It's stuff that needs to be trimmed. You know what I mean?
I call them the bullshit brigade. The jobs for the boys, you know, that have been going on for ages.
You know, like cricket Australia, for instance, they reduced 200 plus of their staff, their wages by 80%, right? 80% discount. And how much that saved them? $3 million. That's all that saved them by cutting the ass out of their pay. And yet in March, they got paid $100 million from Channel 7 and Fox. So where did that fucking money go to?
Tell me how that doesn't add up to you. Yeah. I mean, you guys weren't flying business either, were you? Well, no, no. We were down the cattle class and you weren't allowed to even take your wife. Tell us a bit about that. So how long away would you be from the family? You know, you got three boys. You could have been away for months on end. Yeah. I do a few shows with Dougie Waters.
So mine was four and a half months, you know, to England, right? Four and a half months to be away for. And that seemed like an eternity. I wasn't married then, but that was the initial one. Dougie Waters said his first tour of England was seven and a half months. He was away seven and a half months because they went on a boat, you know?
Well, yeah. And it wasn't Coronavirus either. No, but he was helped off an aeroplane at one point with a mystery illness. I've been told after he... It would have been DTs. They would have ran out of piss. That's all I'm saying. I think he might have caught it from the last can of KB he had on the flight. Yeah.
Just don't let those hosties open them for you. Make sure you open your own bottle. Even if there's number 99 or whatever. I read a great yarn by Kerry O'Keeffe who said the, you know, the famous yarn about Boony with the 52 cans.
He was actually there for the first crack at that. And you were there. I was there. I was sitting. I don't know what Skow tells you, but this is true. There was Dougie on the wing. Marcie was in the middle. I was on the aisle.
I was the procurer of piss. I had to make sure they were on song. Now, I don't know if you've had a drink with me. I can throw them down. I've seen you in full flight. Yeah. So I had to make sure they were on pace. I was never going to keep up with them.
But yeah, that was the story. So we had to drink 18 cans a leg, three legs. Yeah. 16 cans, sorry. To get it up to the, you know, what it was going to be. 16 cans a leg.
And I stopped at, it was Sydney, Bahrain. In those days, Bahrain. So we went Sydney, Singapore, and then Bahrain. I stopped 32 at Bahrain.
And they did the rest of London. And I had to carry, I had to put Marcie's false teeth in the whole deal, dress him, and he was hanging between Lanny Pascoe and myself. So he held the crown until the Launceston Bulldog.
Yeah. I still debate this.
So it's not an old guy living in the past, but he drank 48 cans on that plane. We never counted anything on the ground and all the shit we had in Sydney before we started. He would have drank 60 odd cans nonstop. And then we went to the hotel we were staying at in London, and he bought a whole round of Heineken's dress.
I said, Bacchus, just get to bed you dickhead. Yeah. Imagine what would happen if you did that now. Oh, well, you wouldn't get the chance. I mean, I don't know.
Well, I can't remember plane flights. It's been that long now, but you get on a plane now and you've got to beg for a fucking beer, you know. Halfway through the flight before they bring them out.
Mate, if a player did that nowadays, they'd book them for an appointment with a shrink immediately. No, no, that's right. They say there's something wrong with you.
Jeff, can you tell us about your other love of speed? And that comes from your motor cars. I was told a while ago by a mate of mine who loves a yarn. So I don't know how true this is, but when you first got paid up in Queensland, you went and bought yourself a Ferrari and a PT boat from the Second World War. It wasn't a PT boat, it was just look like that shape. I've always liked cars.
I mean, my three of my brothers were basically, well, mechanics. So we used to fix everybody's car. You can imagine how we had one stage there when I was a kid and we had three cars each. There's five of us. So you imagine our car, our place looked like a car yard. Were you one of those, one of those properties with all the cars out front on blocks? And then their mates would bring around their cars for us to fix. And we used to do, we used to do stunt driving up and down the street and on motorbikes and bloody everything. I mean, that was it.
Go to speedway, race cars, go to the drags. And it was just always, I always loved cars. I used to be late for cricket because I used to be out at car races on a Saturday morning because they had the time trials for the Australian Grand Prix at Warwick Farm and all that. I'd be out there watching all the cars race and dreaming that I wanted to do that shit. And then I'd have to pack up and piss off and go to cricket and I'd turn up late, but I couldn't care less. Always loved cars. And to buy that Ferrari was not a layer rising thing.
I just thought, I want to see where these things go. Like you hear about them and all that ugly opportunity.
It was cool, but it was, didn't take a flog. It didn't handle the flog and didn't handle country roads. Nothin' like the Charger.
No, no. No, no. Kangaroos, you just cut the legs out from you. You didn't really kill them.
You know, you had to go back and run. You had to go back and run over it.
Always loved cars. I still love cars.
Bike races. I'm always watching the shit on them. Boys come past and say, what are you watching that shit for a while, man? They know I'm a rev-head.
Can you just tell us now for someone in that era coming from Bankstown to then, you know, find yourself sitting in Jamaica with a bunch of West Indian cricketers or, you know, in Pakistan or in England, who do you reckon was the most talented cricketer you came up against? And who was the funniest?
Oh, obviously talent was Viv Richards. He was a guy that wouldn't have trained. He was a natural, you know, he just did it like me. You just go and play and what works out, works out. I don't think he would have been coached. Viv was just Viv. And a great bloke. Him and I were great mates. Well, still are. So he was just, to me, was great fun playing against him because you had to pull your finger out. You know, there was no easy times playing against Viv and he didn't get any easy times playing against me. And that's what it was like in that era.
You know, you play the West Indies, you play the best. You always try your best. And that's when you're most satisfied, whether you win or lose. If you play well, you're happy, you know?
So Viv was great. All those guys, Andy Roberts, Michael Holding, they're all different characters, just like we are. If Michael Holding had a mongrel streak in him, he would have got twice as many wickets. Michael was too nice. He was quick and all that, but he was just too nice. He wasn't nice either, you know? Yeah, very good.
Jeffrey used to try going around the wicket to this point. Poms were good bikes, you know, back then. Useless at cricket though. Yeah, not the first ones here.
I see they're trying to get us there in July and August. They want us to go there. I mean, how would you fucking walk into here? That's like flying to New York. Who wants to go to New York? You want to tidy up there?
I don't know how that's going to work. I don't think it'll work.
A bit ambitious. Yeah, that's right. A bit dreamy. So do you occasionally light up, you know, a bit of a competitive streak?
What do you reckon was the most cruel thing you did to opposition batsmen in your time as an Australian path baller? Probably one that just makes me laugh is, and I forgot all about it, was there was a spinner for England. You wouldn't know this bit too early for you, but he was even playing before I played. I caught the ass end of him. His name was Fred Titmuss. He was an off spinner.
Just a typical spinner, meek and mild, you know. They're like frustrated fast bowlers spinners. They've got an attitude, but they can't fucking bruise a peach.
Anyway, what had happened to him was the year before, he fucking had a boating accident. How unlucky is that? To have a boating accident in England. I wouldn't even own a boat in England. That's shit.
Anyway, it cut his big toe off. Cut a couple of his toes off, but his big toe. So he's come out to face me in that test in Brisbane or somewhere, or Perth, one day in that initial series where I cleaned him, cleaned him up, and I've hit him flush on the fucking foot where his big toe was supposed to be.
How much do you reckon that would fucker that? I'm just going to get my earpiece back. You know, I forgot a lot about that one, but that was, that was, he just ran around everywhere. You know, when you cut a chook's head off and he goes doing wheelies around your back. It was a bit like that.
I think a lot of our listeners are really wondering, is 161 kilometres an hour the fastest you've ever bowled? Have you ever bowled faster than a hundred mile an hour?
Oh, easily. These guys have bowled 150 and I see tail enders coming forward, slogging them over the back of their heads and all that. Supposed to be 150. Yeah. I'll tell you.
And they, like I've said before, the blokes have told me, they do it different. They time them out the hand because they're not as quick. See, they timed us at the batting area, which makes a heck of a difference. So they tell me I would have bowled in the mid 170s. I know it's quick because I hit a lot of guys that never moved before I hit them. You know, I'm like sitting there and they just bang like a gunshot, which is really strange when you think about it. And I'm talking about top level class.
Yeah. Not shit kickers. Yeah. Do you think that's why Brett Lee didn't really, because he bowled, he bowled a hundred miles an hour at, I think the 2006 world cup, it came up on the big screen that he just bowled, you know, arguably the fastest ball. And, and he just took a look at that and he was just like, ah, you know, that's, you know, you know, I'm obviously not the fastest bowler in the world, but you know, that's nice. Yeah.
No, no. Brett was sharp. He's a good bloke. Don't worry about that. Sharp actor. Sharp actors won.
He had his own fucking radar thing. It's funny how you get caught out on it.
We were there commentating. I was there commentating. That was what I said before we got blown up. Anyway, this game at Lahore, that was the game. I'm sort of sitting there and I said to the engineer, I said, why have we got another radar thing down there?
He said, oh, that's not ours. That's, that's the Pakistanis. I said, well, it doesn't even read the same as ours. He said it was 12 Ks quicker than our one.
So does that answer your question? No, that's a true story. I was there. Yeah. We'll, uh, we'll let you go. There's plenty more yards to tell. We'll go to get you in a microphone in front of a microphone another day and we can go for hours, but I'll tell you one more, but just on the current cricket, was this, was this spitting thing, spitting on the ball? We just finished up on that. How ironic's that? We've just got nailed the using sandpaper a year or so ago, whatever it was and all that.
And now they want to stop you spitting on the ball and want to give you some substance to rub the ball. Why don't they just get one of those things like in the Woolworths or the shopping marks where you get the bag off and just put, and just put a fucking roll of sandpaper at either end and let them, let them back and do what they like. At least it's healthier than spitting on the ball.
Did you think that was a bit of a beat up? I mean, you were sitting there watching it, the entire country stood still watching that, watching a bit of, uh, you know, who knows what it was. It looked a lot like singing paper. I was, I, myself and everyone else that had played before actually were really, I was really angry at the time. I was really angry that it was so dumb, so ridiculous.
And then the shit they said afterwards, instead of, instead of being gagged and somebody, all the bullshit is in the room, like all the cricket Australia should have jumped in and said, none of you guys are saying a word, we'll handle this. Right? It wasn't done. They let him, let Steve Smith go out there and spruik and whoever else involved. And all they did was shoot themselves in the foot. They should have gagged them. And in the end, it wasn't that big a deal. Because of what I said before, you know, the boundaries are brought in, the bats are huge, they can use as many grips as they want and all this, and you can't do much for the ball. What a lot of bullshit.
Yeah. Well, we spoke, uh, to Mike Whitney not too long after that happened. And we asked him if Alan border came up to you and said, tamper the fuck out of this fucking ball. Would you do it? And he says, Oh, of course, you know, you do what the captain tells you. And then we asked him if, if you had everything at your disposal, how would you tamper a ball? And he says, not with a tiny piece of sandpaper. It's much easier to shine a ball than it is to rough one up. Oh yeah.
I can't believe they want to rough it up and use reverse swing it when it's old. The best thing I ever had was a brand new ball and swing the bloody thing as hard as a rock, the new ball. Why wait for the thing to get old?
And then the horses bolted. I'll tell you what happened. One day we were playing up here in, uh, at the gabba playing Tasmania flat as shit. Wicked ball was shit. You know, by the Kookaburra and started, well, making really bad balls. And cause it was a novelty. They had, nobody else said there was no position. So the shit they were making was crap.
Soft. And Greg chapel said to me, how are we going to get rid of this fool? I was bowling. Boony was batting on me and it was like a marshmallow. And I said, I'll fix this freaking thing up. It was a lunch break. So what I did was I've got to, this is true story. Remember those old razorblades, Gillette things. It's the blade on either side, a flat piece of steel. I put that in my pocket. I've run around the quarter seam with it and around the main seam, you know, where all the stitches are. I pushed it a bit hard. The fucking thing's nearly falling in the quarters, like an orange.
And I said, I'd asked the umpire before the lunch break, this bullshit happened. And he said, there's nothing wrong with this. Anyway, straight after lunch, I tried to talk.
Oh God, I told you this ball was fucked. Look at this. And he's gone, Jesus, I've never seen a ball do this.
And it's got clean cuts. It's not even frayed on the stitching. It's fucking clean cut.
It was very odd. We got a new ball and I got, I got them out. We won the fucking match. That's how you cheat.
Well, Tomo, thanks for joining us. Thanks very much. There's more to come. I reckon we might have to sit Tomo in front of a mic, especially during isolation. I reckon there's plenty more to come.
There's no fucking cricket on that's for sure. No, not at the moment.
We'll definitely have to get you back, Jeff. It's been great fun. All right, cheers boys. Thanks, Jeff. |
TheOnion | Last_Ditch_Dating_Website_Simply_Asks_Users_To_Check_Yes_If_They_Have_Open_Sores | If you're one of the many frustrated singles who suffer from online dating fatigue, you might just be in luck. A new last resort dating website launched this week that caters to fed-up men and women who simply want to meet eligible singles with unbroken skin or open sores similar to their own. It's called Last Shot, and Onion reporters spoke with its founder about starting the site. Well, online dating is exhausting, and there's so many people out there that are at the end of their rope from all the dead ends. And they're worn down to the point that a last resort dating algorithm really makes sense.
If you're one of those people who's just ready to throw your hands up in the air and start a life with someone who has unbroken, lesion-free skin, or on the other hand, if you're open to someone who has boils and abscesses similar to your own, Last Shot is perfectly calibrated to your needs. Boasting a user-friendly interface and affordable dues of $4.99 a month, Last Shot simply asks users to log in, then click yes or no if they have open sores. Within moments, they're connected with hundreds of eligible singles who have comparable skin conditions. Reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready to say, fine. You have unbroken skin, I have unbroken skin, let's see where this goes. I was so sick of all the profiles, the constant self-branding, I met this really amazing guy on it the other day. Both have unbroken skin, boom. I know this sounds corny, but when I walked into that restaurant and I saw him just sitting there, not bleeding, not seeping, I thought to myself, thank you. Our Curie hopes to one day introduce an upgraded membership experience, which would allow exasperated singles to filter for specific skin conditions. We have big plans for the site, we're thinking of adding a filter for gender, but so far, customers have been happy to simply be paired with someone who does or does not have sores. That's how I met my wife, incredible woman, a lot of sores. |
TheOnion | Year_In_Review_Revolution_In_Egypt_Either_Courageous_Or_Stupid_Depending_On_Outcome | I'm here in Cairo where something either very good or very bad is happening. Tonight, this nation of 80 million is either taking a thrilling leap toward democracy or about to enter a terrifying period of political turmoil, which will surely result in thousands of innocent deaths. Tens of thousands of protesters packed Tahrir Square today, unsure if they are jubilant or terrified about the revolution. Some protesters are unfurling large banners. I saw one which translated to roughly, I think this makes sense what we are doing, right? I hope so. And in the United States, some newspapers are dubbing the uprising an inspiring grassroots movement or a shit show waiting to happen. White House Deputy Press Secretary Todd Grant spoke on the uprising earlier today. To our friends overseas, the president wishes to congratulate the Egyptian people for their bravery in opposing the brutal rule of President Mubarak and also urges them to remain calm and to respect the wishes of their leader and friends, the United States President Mubarak. One thing is sure, tonight the world is watching this city, watching and wondering, should I be scared that this is going to escalate tensions in the Middle East and maybe lead to someone nuking someone or something?
Does Egypt have nuclear weapons? I can't remember. I know they're Muslims. Does that mean anything in all of this? From Egypt, I'm O'Brady Shaw. |
dropout | phone_sex_pranks_houseguest | Hi, uh, I'm into something weird. I'm kinda into, like, houseguests who, like, overstay their welcome. Sure. Uh, you know, I'm, like, I'm in between houses right now. Oh, wait, so what are you asking for? Can I crash here for, like, a week? Yeah, that's cool. Um... Ow, it's totally not being your way. My suitcases are outside. Can you help me just pull them, like, right into the hall?
It's, like, six bags. You have six bags? Yeah. Yeah, I want you to have more bags than that. How many bags do you have? Twenty-five bags. Twenty-five?
Yeah, now you're doing it. That's so good. I have a cat that sprays. That sprays what? And I have a ferret. Yeah, you're making me so hard right now.
How long are you planning on staying? You said, like... I'm staying for two years. That's a long time.
How was, uh, how was your sleep on the fold-out couch? It was really bad. Did you use my toothbrush? Well, I had to brush Roscoe's teeth.
My Great Dane. You have a Great Dane in the house?
Yeah. Are you leaving out right now? Why? What do you want?
Um, some wasabi peas. Some wasabi peas? You might have to go to Chinatown. Oh, you want me to go to Chinatown for Japanese peas, huh?
Yeah. Oh, that doesn't make sense. Oh, yeah, keep going.
Can I, can I use your house phone? I want to make a phone call.
Oh, where? Europe? Dad, oh, that's so good. You're being such a bad house guest. Wait, wait, what is this? Did you, did you get mail delivered here? Yeah, that's my mail.
I ordered a sack of nuts. You ordered a sack of peanuts? Why? I like peanuts.
Oh, my God, yeah. Listen, I'm kind of getting sick. I kind of need you to leave the house. Oh, no, that's okay. I don't mind you being sick. No, no, I mean, I'm trying to get you to leave the house.
My name is on the lease. Would you, would you put your name on the lease?
Oh, yeah. I'm never leaving. What? I'm not fucking leaving. You're not getting me off the top. Oh, my God, you're scaring me. What are you...
Get out. Get the fuck out of my house.
Yeah, you can make me come... Oh, oh, thank you. Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | they_re_listening_snl | Yeah, I got rid of my stereo this week. Saved so much space.
Oh cool. but what do you use for music? I just use my Alexa. I just ask it to play stuff and it sounds great. Oh my God. you have an Alexa. Why would you do that? it listens to everything you say.
Dude, For real. Yeah, you think that things out, but it's always on. Nothing is private. Oh, come on. it's not listen. It totally is. I swear. And even if it's not, your phone is listening your Tv anything that's online. Yeah, it's true.
I had an Apple Homepod and when me and Teresa were talking about taking a trip to the Cayman Islands, my computer just started sending me these emails for hotels there. It was freaky. everyone gets hotels emails.
Kenny, look at your gmail, Okay, okay, see the ad in the little corner on the right? Yeah, it says it's You know, it's an ad for an Afford F-150 electric truck. that's just. oh my God, wait, what? My girlfriend and I were just talking about this yesterday. I told her I might like to get one. That's crazy. That's a coincidence. everyone gets truck ads. Fine. Brent, why don't you check your gmail? All right, maybe I will.
Okay, see. this is this is dumb. These things are always wrong. What's this? Why is there an ad here for a Green Bay Packers butt plug? I mean, what even is that? show your Packers pride with this 10-speed anal plug for the adventurous cheese head in your life. See, this is so stupid. Why would it send me That? Yeah, so I'm from Wisconsin.
This thing? industrial strength and waterproof. Waterproof, like I'm gonna use it in my jacuzzi. I have a jacuzzi, but why would I use it in there so I can squat backwards against the side and let the jets vibrate against it?
Who does that guys? I swear. I don't know what this is. come on, right? you must have at least joked about it. No, never. Why would I joke about some Green Bay Packers butt plug that plays the Packers fight song while it's inside of you and then when you open your mouth, it suddenly gets louder and that, what's even funny about that. that's crazy. It gets a little louder. I don't know. This thing just popped up.
I mean, maybe my wife was using my phone. she steals it all the time to play wirdle. maybe she had something to do with this. Your wife, Jennifer, the Methodist minister, was talking about Green Bay Packers sex toys. Yeah, as a goof. Maybe she wanted to walk into our bedroom one night with a little smile on her face and I'd be like, that's weird. do you hear Go Packers Go playing somewhere? And then she would open her mouth and it would suddenly get louder and we would laugh so damn hard. And then we get the jacuzzi. Wait. she wanted to do that. that's such a specific scenario.
Well, I don't know. Look, it's just one stupid ad on my phone. there's plenty of others. See, All this has nothing to do with me.
Oh, don't press that one. don't wait, Do you hear that? that's Go Packers. Go right.
Brent. Do you hear that? Brent. Open your mouth, Brent. |
cracked | if_16_and_pregnant_was_around_for_the_nativity_story | I'm Mary. I'm 16 years old, and I live with my family in a small town called Nazareth in the land of Galilee. When I'm not grinding meat, making clothes out of wool, or chillin' with my besties... I feel like I would be like my signature color. Yes! You could probably find me at Temple.
I'm obsessed with praying. God bless Hannah and Rachel and Sarah, even though Esther told me they were talking about you behind my back. I recently got petrodes to a cute carpenter named Joseph. My dad traded me to him for a donkey, but we're totally in love. I guess you could say I'm just a typical Israelite teenager, but all that's about to change. Because... I'm pregnant with the Son of God.
Joseph? Yeah? Joseph, I haven't seen anything to tell you. Joseph, put down your game up.
You just made me die. I'm pregnant.
Wait, what? Who was this Gabriel guy? I told you, he's an angel. Well, did he hit on you?
No! I'm a virgin!
You say that like it's news to me. Joseph doesn't even care if I get stoned for adultery. I look like a lion. Ever since God chose you to be his vessel, you've been pretty stuck up. You've turned into a h***. Yeah.
I was talking to one of my buddies, he's an angel. And I think I want to step up and be a father to the Messiah or whatever. Oh my gosh, thank you!
It's cool, it's not yours. Yeah, it's fine.
I just never thought being the mother of God would be this hard. I'm Joseph!
What? You're already pregnant?
I can't believe we have to convert to the Lamb of God in a random stable! Were we even going to put him in a manger?
He looks just like you. Yeah, well, he's not going to look like you.
Some angel told us there was this baby that we needed to check out. I think his name is Xavier. No, he's the savior. Who are these people? I thought he'd be more glowy.
And you want to go down to the river with us, you know, catch some fish, drink some wine? Hey babe, do you think I could go- No! No, okay, I'm busy.
Whoopee! Now that the Christ child is finally here, I love being a mom. Aww, cute! More swaddling clothes!
Aww, thank you! Aww, it's daddy. Thanks. Here's the moon. Aww, thank you. Aww, I know. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Just because I'm a teen mom to the eternal Lord and Savior doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
Hey, we just had a good time learning about how lions actually have sex and why the Lion King is wrong. If you want to learn about how the way that you're having sex is wrong, buy the detective textbook right now.
It's available everywhere books are sold. Go to amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. Get it!
I'm Daniel. |
dropout | lunch_meeting | So you'll have to get the same shirt as me? Can't prove that.
Let's eat. Can we just try to get some work done before we do that? Can I just eat before we get some work done? Because I'll be more productive if I have food in me.
You probably won't be, but fine. I'm not gonna argue with you. I'm gonna order something.
9-1-1? Yes. Jesus Christ, man. What?
You don't know how hungry I am. It's a fucking emergency, dude. It's not an emergency. Just call Domino's. I'm gonna get a shit. I don't care. I'll get the old-fashioned one, though, for you. Bonjour, Domino's!
Keep it Italian. Uh, yes. Can I have 30 large cheese-fromage pizzas? That's too many. Okay. 30 medium pizzas, then? Yeah, but that's still 30. I'm here. I'll take the rest for dinner. Don't worry about it. Uh, yes. That's fine.
Uh, charge it to my credit card. The number. Yes. The number... Hang up. The number of my credit card is 8. Come on.
What if you believed it? It wouldn't have been good if you believed it.
What kind of bread? No bread.
That's disgusting. I'm not saying anything. Just say it. Hi. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Uh, can I have jam, tuna fish, cracked pepper, and vinegar on a chocolate croissant? And to drink... Just... Do you want anything? Uh, just a keg of what Coke is made out of. Just the syrup, yeah. Uh, yeah, that should be fine. Oh, um, and do you guys...
You know how turkey pastrami is like turkey with a pastrami seasoning around it? Do you have that but with Twinkies with a seasoning?
Okay, so that was just a dream of mine then. That's fine, I was just checking. |
cracked | 10_life_hacks_for_makin_any_concert_a_rockin_evenin_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a Braviura. Very excited to have Danger Van Gorder here. He's the rockstar.
I'll take these off He's from countless thousands of great band. I've seen them many many times They they are just so good live such great music and very pleased to have him.
Welcome to the show Danger. Hi Thanks for having me new guy Right.
Yeah, we laugh. We're friends. We laugh. We're friends. We laugh. We're friends.
We laugh Hi YouTube, it's Alex and the the nice edit bae Don't know what to tell you guys Danger and I recorded 10 life hacks for making any concert a rockin' evening but unfortunately we're having problems with the The tape I do still have the visuals and I still want to bring you guys an episode So I'm just gonna dub in what Danger Definitely said without further ado here are 10 life hacks for making any concert a rockin' evening Hack number one get there early. Hack number two be positive to others around you. Hack number three Text your musician friend to let him know you're in the crowd. Hack number four Text your musician friend shortly after his set starts to let him know that you have to go home. Hack number five Text your musician friend to let him know that unfortunately you're feeling sick and won't be able to hang out after the show It's totally normal. Hack number six let your musician friend know yeah sure it might seem like you were never there But actually you had to leave early shortly after the show started for legit reasons like you said, okay? Hack number seven don't get hung up on knowing all the members of your friends band's names Or roles in the band or how many people are in the band?
Ballpark.
Hack number eight remind your friend that you have a weak immune system You legit need to leave early every time you say you do and you're not just staying home Netflixing Daredevil. Hack number nine Your musician friend might claim you claim to go to his shows just to guilt him into coming to your stand-up shows He'll also, you know, maybe claim that you you do the same ten minutes about Boston cream pies every show even though it's not hitting Know that he's kidding when he says that he doesn't mean it. Hack number ten I do that joke a lot because audiences are still discovering it.
Apologies again for the technical issues, and I hope we revved up your weekend with what Danger actually said definitely. Special thanks to Danger Van Gorder even though he's kind of a prima donna about truth being Objective or whatever.
I have to let me out. Or Kesto locks are electronic.
You need everything Huge sincere thank you to Danger. His band is playing geek meet at Slide Bar in Fullerton, California June 7th for that info and all their music check out countless thousands dot-com That is countless thousands of the word dot-com I want to thank Jeff Zephyrus and his company cognitive surplus for this typographic heart t-shirt Jeff totally dig it I want to thank Sherry Tenenfeld and her son her company sappy North America's pursuing Sustainability initiatives and so apparently the drought episode inspired us and this and Sherry. Thank you so much Also want to thank Tom Payne of London. He sent in the NSB radio shirt from last week's episode Thank you Tom and thank you all for subscribing to this channel |
TheOnion | New_Nike_Running_App_Tells_You_What_You_re_Really_Running_From | Today's fitness trackers can tell how far you're running, but tomorrow's can tell you why you're running. The new Nike RunLogic Plus pinpoints the desperate psychological demons at the root of your exercise routine. Tech Trends reporter Aaron Vaughn has more. It's a problem all runners face. You run and you run and you run, but it's never enough. No matter how many miles you put in, that gnawing ache at your soul never goes away. Now Nike's engineers have found a way for runners to use that existential pain to push themselves even farther. Here at Nike, we're all runners. So we know that running is a painful, tedious, unfulfilling exercise. Why do people run?
There are a lot of reasons. Maybe it's loneliness. Maybe we hate our families. Maybe we're scared of death.
Knowing exactly why you run can terrify runners into going harder and faster than ever. Users keep the device on their wrist at all times. It not only records running times and distances, it also analyzes all of the user's social interactions and emotional patterns. It then creates a unique, detailed profile that dredges the inspiring well of inner turmoil inside every runner. Early users say they notice a big impact on their workouts.
I started marathoning when I was 28. I thought it was time to get in shape, but then once I realized I was actually running from my meaningless job and ad sales, I started running a lot more, like all the time.
Oh, I love it. I can just look at the app and see that I'm running instead of dealing with my male body issues directly. It's so much easier than facing my problems head on. And when you hook the device up to a pair of Bluetooth headphones, it'll even pipe in some mid-workout encouragement. You've run 2.5 miles. Remember, you feel responsible for your younger brother's death. Andrew Borman says the best part is seeing satisfied runners use the device's share function to proudly post their running data on social media. Oh, here's a good one.
I'm super afraid that my friends don't really like me. I ran 27 miles today. Now I feel nothing.
And the app's built-in map suggests new routes to push users to their absolute limit. So far, the device is winning rave reviews. Runner's World says no matter what psychological deficiency leads you to run, this gadget will find it. For an amateur runner like me, the Nike RunLogic Plus is a godsend. Knowing that I run because when I look in the mirror, I see a decaying corpse with maggots coming out of my eyes keeps me going harder than ever. For TechTrends, I'm Aaron Vaughn. |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Ep_1_Full_Episode_Sam_Reich_Katie_Marovitch_Raphael_Chestang_and_Jacob_Wysocki | There are some secrets we take to the grave, and others, we plaster online for laughs. This is Dirty Laundry, the show that asks, how well do you ever really know somebody?
Today, I'm joined by a warm shot of milk no chaser, Sam Reich. Straight from the cow's teat. A warm shot of cocaine, Katie Maravich.
I have a stack of secrets about our guests. They have to guess who each secret belongs to, but if it's their own, they'll have to make accusations to throw people off the trail. But be warned, we might have mixed in a secret or two about me or our bartender.
Hey, Grant, what's today's special? Lily, we're drinking one of my favorite daytime drinks, a Spanish coffee. Don't like the words daytime drinks, for Grant? All right. We have different priorities.
Here is how scoring works. You get one point every time you guess correctly, but if it's your own and you're able to fool everyone, you get three points.
First secret, who participated in a four-way kiss? Wait, in real life? Because Katie did a sketch, didn't you guys do a sketch where it was just, it was like four people? There was a sketch in which the Grant and I wrote, and it was Zach Oyama, Trap, and myself, who shared a sweet kiss.
Remember pre-COVID? I know.
Wait, wait, wait, did that say three-way? It said participated in a four-way kiss, and it's three people. This was three people.
I'm going to make my decision based on who has the best way. Wait a minute. Because who has the most attractive lips could potentially attract three people.
Pucker up. Let's pucker up. Let me see a pucker. Pucker up. I have a good pucker. Pucker. Oh my God. That's your pucker?
Okay. Sam! I'm insulted. Okay, so it's not you. All right.
Oh.
You did it. That's the one. That's attracted all of us here.
We're about to have a four-way kiss. Five-way kiss. Let's see your pucker.
I don't have Raph pegged for this. Right. I think it's a little spicy for Raph. Yeah. That's too much spice. And as we know from the office kink test we all took, Rafael is vanilla. 100% vanilla. That's right.
So I don't know why you put dirty booty in my drink. That was me. There's dirty booty in my drink.
All right. Let's get these final guesses in. Who do we think participated in a four-way kiss? Sam? I feel like this could be Katie. All right.
I do not like germs. I would absolutely never have done that. Stay away from Katie.
I am telling you. Katie? I guess you. I don't know why. I think I'm going to go Sam because he was offended that I didn't think his lips were kissable in a way that was like emotionally driven that might be showing. Rafael. I'm going with Wysocki. Yes.
Flattered. Honestly, flattered.
That's cool. Will the four-way kisser please take a sip from their drink? Just kidding. She's a little rascal. That's cool to me. That's cool stuff.
Myself and three friends at a New Year's Eve party. I initiated it. However, I do not like germs. And so I said, let's put saran wrap over our lips.
Does that count? I don't think it counts.
And we kissed in a way that felt good for me, a germaphobe. Remember when I said that was cool? All right. That is one point for Sam. Next secret. Which one of you had such bad gas they had to go to the hospital? Sam Reich. Sam and I share a heritage. Yes. This does sound like this Jew.
As long as you're saying it, I'm not saying it. My particular brand of gastro issue has nothing to do with gas being kept inside the body. It's gas being released. Oh, it's escaping your body. Constantly. Fleeing. Well, maybe if you went to the hospital because of the gas, you were like, the gas is coming out so forcefully or whatever the fuck. But the gas, by the time it's out, it's not a problem. It's a non-issue. It's true. But if somebody is used to having gas go out and then the gas is not going out, that's likely they're going to go hospital.
This is a sexy show, guys. I could also see this being Raphael.
How's your stomach? Thank you. Why? Out of what? I don't know. You seem like someone who went to the hospital for this reason. Let's throw it to both of you.
What's your relationship with gas? I'll pass gas. You'll pass? I love to pass gas.
Yeah? Yeah. My line of defense is like, I wouldn't go to the hospital. Not my speed. You'd throw it out? Yeah. I think also it's an issue of health insurance. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I'm just going to have to toughen that one out. Right. I'm going to tell you what I did go to the hospital for. A fucking kidney stone. And I'm going to tell you what? Oh, really? Absolutely.
Kidney bros.
You know, you can ride a roller coaster and pass someone else. Not kidney bros. You can shake it out. I can see that. I'm sorry. You can't ride a roller coaster if we've had a kidney stone? No, you can. Sometimes it shakes it out of you. It'll help you pass it. That's good to know. Let's say that clear for the audience. Six flags?
The doctor's like, I prescribe you the anaconda. I love getting prescribed the anaconda.
All right, have we got our final guesses in? Jacob, who do you think it is? I'm going to go Katie. You're going Katie? Raphael, who do you think it is?
I mean, I go Sam. That one makes the most sense. It's Sam. I'm going Sam. Sam, who do you think it is? I'm going to go Raph.
Will the person who had such bad guests, they had to go to the hospital, take a sip of their drink? It's gotta be you. It's gotta be. Sam, it's you. Take a sip.
Unless... Oh, no! That's another one for you.
This is when I was in college. I went to Bible college.
Does everybody know this? Anyway, it was the 4th of July thing, like bash, whatever. Party. They call them parties. No, it was a bash.
So, you know, it was a lot of like bar, a lot of meats, a lot of salted meats. And I was in college. I wasn't drinking water. And so I was very dehydrated. I ate way too much. Didn't chew the food. And yeah, my guests, and it was, it got really bad. And I was like cramping up, I knocked on my cousin's door and then I just collapsed on the floor.
Wow. And then he was like, they got Rafi. He didn't know what happened. So he's thinking, this is in Chicago. He's thinking, like, a bullet full of gas.
And then they called, they called an ambulance. It was like the middle of the night at this point? Yeah, it was in the middle of the night. Yeah, they called an ambulance.
That's so expensive. What was the diagnosis? Farts. You were so dry that if you farted, you were going to crack your butt. Yeah. Nothing but dust. Your butt would have cracked. Next secret. Which one of you got stitches in the pit of a punk rock show? Jacob. Interesting.
Okay, now who would phrase something like that? Can you clarify the story for us? Yeah, just tell us what happened. I don't, why is it me? I'll automatically. Just tell us what happened. We just want to know. We need clarification. What about it makes it so quickly me?
Are you not a music guy? I'm not a punk rock, I mean.
Bible college.
It's you.
I mean, I don't even really like, I couldn't even name a ton of punk bands. What is your favorite genre of music? Honestly, probably like, like dad rock, like Led Zeppelin. I like to go to live music, but I like bob my head and I'm like, sure. I'm the same.
That's why you needed stitches. Because you weren't vibing with everybody else. They were like, who is this dad rock guy? Take it out of your punk rock. He's not here. Let's get our answers in. Who got stitches in the pit of a punk rock show?
Wysocki. Katie thinks it's Jacob Wysocki.
Jacob, who do you think it is? I mean, I got to go with Sam. I think that's a good guy. Sam, who do you think it is? I think it's you.
Yes. Raphael? Katie. Okay. Really? Well, the person who got stitches in the pit of a punk rock show, please take a sip of their drink. Of course. Obviously.
There it is.
Yikes. This band was playing and they were putting on a good performance and, you know, they energized me and I decided to participate in the pit. And I like immediately got drop kicked by somebody. Oh my God. And was hit so hard that I was like thrown back onto a table where I crunched into the table and crushed a entire table worth of glass and then just like fell on the ground and then like somebody helped me up because that's proper pit etiquette, kids. Help them up. Somebody helped me up and I like felt fine. And I was like, yeah, baby. And then somebody was like, you're bleeding really bad. Oh my God. And there was like a puddle of blood at my arm. Yeah. And a security guard threw a dish towel and some duct tape on my arm and was like, you should be good.
Are you sober at the time? I think I had like maybe a beer or two and then like a little bit of weed.
Don't tell my, don't tell my lawyer.
I was also alone at the show. So I just like had to deal with this alone. I was like, none of my comedy friends are down to go to a punk show.
I'd go with you. We can all go. All of us. Everybody here. We can all line up in a little line behind it and we just all hold and we do the little touch up.
Don't hurt my friends. Another point for Sam and the first point for Katie. Next secret. Who almost died from a nosebleed?
Me. Katie. Wait, I was going to say Raphael.
You just had, you just went to get the farts out of your butt. Have you ever had a nosebleed before in your life? Yes. From taking too much cold medicine.
And that's not cold for anything. No, that's not cold for anything.
I literally took too much. Yeah. My robot is causing a lot of drip. It's weird. It smells like diesel gasoline. Wait a minute.
This could be Grant. Grant did many times.
But if you're having it a lot, it's not killing you. Yeah. You're able to live with them.
I've had nosebleeds since I was young. What is a nosebleed? Like what's bleeding?
Your brain. Your brain?
No, that can't be true. I mean, your nose is bleeding. It's coming from the capillaries in your nose. Yes. You know a lot about that. He knows a lot about the science of nosebleeds. It's not hard to understand what a nosebleed is. It's not hard at all. Where's the blood coming from? I'll tell you what, not the brain. All right, let's get these final guesses in. Who almost died from a nosebleed?
I so desperately want a point on the board. I'm going to fucking flip out if I'm wrong. All right, Jacob, let's get your guess in first. I hope it's Katie, because I will lose it if I'm not on the board. You're losing it, buddy. Get ready to lose it.
All right. Raphael, who do you think it is? We all instinctually thought Katie. Yes. Truly from the depths of our souls. We all just thought Katie. Yes, miss.
It's not me. Please don't vote for me. I vote for Katie. I vote for Sam.
Okay. Sam, who do you think it is? It's got to be Katie. It just has to be. Oh, all right.
Will the person who almost died from a nosebleed please take a sip of their drink? So it's called epistaxis.
I knew it! Oh! No! I said France!
Okay, all right. I said France so many times. All right, Katie. Yeah, you're right.
It was not me. I've never had a nosebleed, and that was not a lie.
You could have gotten a point for guessing for me. I'm an idiot. I'm stupid. I almost did that. I'm pissed.
It was my third day of high school. And I, yeah, I get nosebleeds a lot because I'm really cool. And I was in the bathroom, you know, doing my nosebleed thing, and I moved the tissue, and I was like, oh, I'm pouring blood into the soil. Jesus. I'm just like a stream of blood coming out of me into the soil until I was like, hey, I'm going to... And I passed out.
They had to cauterize it with an electric needle. Wow! They had to close the wound. To this day, my septum shifts this way because they, you know, because they broke it when they were in there with their electricity.
Dang. Glad you're still with us, man. Oh, my God. I'm glad to be here.
Thank you. A warrior. Wow, thank you. A warrior. Thank you.
That is it for round one. It's time for us to take a little break. Hey, Grant, what are we drinking?
Today's cocktail is a Spanish coffee, and nobody freak out, but I'm going to set it on fire. To start it, I'm going to do a little bit of lime around the rim of an Irish coffee glass. I have a plate of sugar here. I'm just going to take the glass and turn it upside down, and I'm going to add three-quarters of an ounce overproof rum. The original recipe calls for a quarter ounce of orange liqueur. I really like the orange in this, so I'm going to add a full half ounce.
Start your flame. Start it away from the glass so you don't get that lighter fume in there. Tilt it just a bit, letting that heat from the burning alcohol caramelize that sugar around the rim just a little bit. Use tempered glass for this because it's going to get pretty warm.
To put it out, you're just going to take your little sugar rimmer right on top. Before we add anything else in there, I'm just going to take some heavy cream. I'm going to add it right to my shaker. I'm going to add a few drops of vanilla extract. Now, you don't have to fully whip that, but you are going to just add a little bit of air to it. Shake that up. We're going to float it right on top. We're going to add an ounce and a half coffee liqueur, and we're going to top that up to the sugar with hot coffee. Then we're going to finish that off by very gently pouring our aerated cream over the back of a spoon so it sort of floats. Just grate a little bit of fresh nutmeg right on top.
And that is my favorite daytime drink, Spanish coffee. Welcome back.
Let's do a quick score recap. We have Sam Rice with three points, Katie Maravich with one.
Jacob Wysocki with a big fat zero. Raphael Chestang with zero as well.
In good company, my friend. In good company.
Loser. Just kidding. Which brings us to our next secret. Which one of you accidentally dropped and killed a baby duck? Jacob. Oh, no. That's so sad. Wait.
Who grew up where? What? Did anyone grow up on the farm? Did you say grow up weird with this person? Where? D-H-E-R-E. Weird. Where did you grow up? Where? Can all of you understand? Where? Where did you grow up?
I grew up in Southern California in a little town called Lomita. The friendly little city. Wait. Southern California? Is that country town? Yeah.
It's a country full of ducks. I will say I grew up surrounded by ducks. You know, Massachusetts, Cape Cod. We got a lot of ponds. We got a lot of ducks. Real New England vibes. I love ducks. I would never kill a duck.
No. It was an accident. Yeah. Oh!
It was you! No, no, no. It was you! It would have been an accident.
Wait a second. Wait. Can I just say?
I'm from Chicago. We're from Chicago.
It was not us. We had no access.
There are ducks in Chicago? No. There are ducks everywhere. I grabbed them.
I think we all got to acknowledge that this is an accident. It could have happened to any of us. It only happened to one of us.
Right. Hopefully. Everybody drinks. How do you kill a duck by dropping? Wait. Accidentally dropped and killed. Okay.
From what kind of a height? Right. Off a 20-story building. A tall person.
Grant! No, no, no. Because I'd also have to be very clumsy. And that's not me. Oh!
And he's from a country area. You're not from country, Ohio. I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
We did have a lot of Canadian geese. Is a geese a duck? I'm a duck. If this turns out to be a fucking dead goose, I'm walking.
Okay. Can I ask everybody just a quick yes or no question? Yes. And then I'll be prepared to make my guess. Okay. I'm going to ask everybody. Just look me in the eyes and then answer yes or no. Do you feel bad about killing that duck? Yes, I do.
I didn't do it.
I just felt bad when you asked me. Do you feel bad about killing that duck?
Yes, I do. Okay. Do you feel bad about killing that duck? Yeah. Okay. I mean, yeah. Jacob, I will- I was going to say no. How would I say no? I'll be impressed to see if this method works. Yeah. I think it's you. Okay. All right.
In that case, let's start the guesses. Jacob? I think it's Raf. Raf, who do you think it is? I'm going to say Wysocki. Katie, who do you think it is? Grant. Sam, who do you think it is? I don't even want to know. I just got to go with my guy here. I think it's Wysocki as well.
Sad. Will the baby duck murderer please take a sip of their drink? And hang their head in shame for what they did.
She tricked all of you. Of course. Of course it was me. I'm evil. Yeah. Oh my God. She even gave you a little laugh when she looked you in the eye.
So you dropped the duck, then killed it. No. You wrung its neck, it dropped it, it said, I'm fine. I'm okay. No, you're not.
I was in third grade. We had ducks and chicks in our classroom.
And I went over, was not supposed to be holding it. It was supposed to be supervised. Didn't give a fuck. And I grabbed it out of the cage. Pretty cool not to care. They didn't have that rule for a reason. And it slipped. It had just been born. It slipped through my fingers.
Katie. Slapped. It was horrible. I'm sorry. This is what happened. I'm telling a story. I actually felt quite bad.
I think I blamed it on someone else. Who did you blame it on? I think they asked what happened. Because it was Zoe, the duck that I had named. And I did not mess up. I was absolutely. Who did you blame? Was there a big, tall, clumsy guy in class that you blamed? I was very well behaved. No one suspected me and I got away with it.
Had you not killed that duck, there could be multiple generations of ducks. I know. That's so sad. When you think about it, it wasn't just one duck's life you ruined. It was so many. To be fair, it was like literally a couple of hours old. It was like.
To be fair. Why is that fair? That doesn't make it better, Katie. It absolutely makes it worse. It's more fair to get it before you get to have a full life. To be fair, an animal has never been more vulnerable.
Guys, there was a deadly earthquake. Don't worry. It happened at the infant ward. There's no survivors.
To be fair, yeah. All right, that is three points for Katie Maravich.
That's terrible. And we don't like that. So sorry.
Next secret. Which one of you? Did you get the more alcoholic one? I don't think so. Grant, did you give me? There's a lot of alcohol in both of those. Just give me a little bit more.
You probably can't taste it because it's rum. Yeah, it's just rum. You definitely can't.
But I want it to be. Jesus. Thank you, Grant. That's exactly what I want.
It's like one in the afternoon. It is. It's five o'clock somewhere. It is not even five o'clock in New York yet.
All right. Next question. Which one of you shot a soft core porn? No. Holy shit. It has to be some of you. Wait, how soft core? Yeah, I want to know. Mine wasn't soft core. Wait, none of us. Maybe they were the gaffer. What do we think people consider soft core? Because I think what Katie would. That's the discussion I want to have. What Katie would consider soft core? And I'd be like, that wasn't. You were in a commercial for Pampers or something. Sure. No, I wouldn't have thought that was porn. Yeah, what does make it soft core versus hardcore? When there's simulated.
Yeah, there's no actual. There's none of this. None of this.
When I think soft core porn, I think like late night HBO. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Mostly like middle up. It wasn't Grant because he would have told us about it a lot. That's true. Absolutely.
We would have never. Unless it's like a thing. Unless it's like a thing that could harbor some embarrassment. Not saying that intrinsically, but like personally. Yeah, no, we wouldn't. We would know.
I think it's Wysocki. Discover more. I think it is one of these two. It's not us. Final guesses for who shot a soft core porn. Raphael. Wysocki. Jacob Wysocki.
You know, I'm just going to guess Sam until I get it right. Sam. Sam? I guess, I guess Jake.
Well, the person who shot a soft core porn, please take a sip of their drink. I can't wait to see who this is.
No. Yeah. Yes.
Pretty dog. Yeah, it was behind the camera. I had a couple of friends, guy and a woman.
She got it in her head that a great Valentine's Day present for him would be her in a homemade soft core porn with another woman. Is it a porn if it's not for distribution or is it not just a sex tape? If a tree falls, if a porn falls in the woods and no one's around. That's a sex tape. Sex tapes are porn.
I will say we went for authenticity. We went for like a true like 90s retro vibe. Was there music? There was music.
All right. Next question.
Which one of you smoked opium by accident? Oh, a lot of accidents in this group. By accident? I mean, if it was accident, it could be anybody.
That's very true. I will say Sam was very punk rock in his young days. He was very cool. That's what I'm saying.
He showed us the flannel.
He's the secret cool guy. He showed these guys a picture earlier of me with blondie. With blond hair and a dark goatee and a cigarette. But it was cool.
I know it doesn't sound great, but it was- Oh my God, that's you? It's definitely one of you two. It's not me.
I get that like I'm a cool guy and like I do openly smoke weed. Don't tell my lawyer. Again, you and your lawyer should be on the same page about this stuff. He doesn't need to know what I do. Okay.
Jacob has had a lot of jobs, so sometimes you have to be clean to work at all your jobs. I didn't smoke weed for six months before I started a new job because it lives in your hair for that long and I was afraid. And then they didn't do jack shit and I said, well, I wasted six months.
Yeah, real waste of time. Waste of time.
Well, that's six months in total. I'll never get back.
All right, let's get our final guesses in. Sam, who do you think smoked opium by accident?
This is tough. This is really tough.
I'm just going to mix it up. I'm going to go with Grant. I've never smoked in my life. Grant, put that away. Let me hit that. I'm going to go with Sam. Jacob. I'm stuck between, I feel like I could see you being like, yeah, I'll take that acid, whatever. Yes, take an acid. But I could also see like a Bible boy not knowing a situation that he's in. I got to go Ziggy in the mouth.
Another vote for Sam. Raphael. I'll say Sam. I'm switching my vote.
It's too late. Will the person who smoked opium by accident please take a sip of their drink?
Motherfucker. I knew it. Why did you do that? Absolutely. I was in Seattle, Washington, and he's like truly like dung beetle level crusty hippies. They were digging for dinosaur bones. Cool. And they're like, yeah, we just like dig bones and sell them on the black market. First clue. That's bad. First clue that they were weird people. Yeah.
And they were like, would you like to smoke some space hash? And I said, yeah, I know what hash is. I love to smoke weed.
But then they pulled out like a blowtorch and that should have been like, that should have been number two. Oh my gosh. That just isn't going well. I didn't know what was going on. I was just like, this is the craziest weed that I've ever smoked. I feel really unsafe and really unwell.
That's something different. I was like, that sounds like it's for me, baby. But it wasn't. Yeah, that sounds cool. I might have done that. All right.
Final question.
Which one of you puked on a pop star? Wysocki is from here. That logic. It's like, well, you're from LA. You have to have seen tons of pop stars. You're swimming in Hollywood. What Ram is trying to say is, as a baby, you were probably into pop stars. I mean, my au pair was Drew Barrymore.
What? Is that true? Yeah. No, you're lying. It was totally true.
But she's not a pop star. But not a pop star. No. Wait, a pop star. It's not Sam.
I don't know. Sam grew up very well connected. Maybe. But in politics, not in pop culture. Those things are... Those worlds mix. Yeah, my au pair was Al Gore. Yeah. Raphael? Yes.
Look me in the eye. I'm looking you in the eye.
That's all. So there's really only two scenarios here that I can think of. One is we're talking about a baby. Wait, why a baby? I think a drunk person. Well, that's scenario number two.
Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't say anything.
I did say two. Katie, I did say two.
Like maybe actually this was like a person's babysitter who went on to become a pop star. Like this is technically true. Second scenario is, yeah, we're talking about some sort of wild Hollywood night. I gotta be honest. I grew up in like a small lower middle class area. I was not fucking pop stars all the time.
We never said something. We never said anything. Nobody said fucking. You thought you were having sex with a pop star. We never ever ever ever said it.
That's what you think happened. Do you think- What I'm hearing is you guys think that I'm a star fucker. That's not what anyone is accusing you of.
That's what I'm feeling right now. Katie, do you ever throw up? Me? Yeah. Literally all the time. So that's something worth asking.
How often do people puke? I'm not a very nauseous person. I puke literally constantly.
I have an issue that is unresolved with my doctors.
I will be shopping. I'll whip open the store door and I'll just mop it up to the sidewalk. Jesus Christ. You'll whip open a store door and there is Carly Rae Jepsen. Yes.
I did not do that. I have a pretty strong- No you don't. No you don't.
You went to the doctor for farts. You fucking liar. Please don't lie to our face. Puke and fart is a whole different world. No, it's digestive system and that is related, sir. You puked, sir.
Good day. All right, let's get these guesses in.
It's Raphael.
Raphael, who do you think puked on a pop star? Katie. Oh really? Jacob, who do you think puked on a pop star? Bible school, a ton of pop stars.
It is absolutely Raphael. I know this for a fact and I'm telling you factually. If that makes me feel like it's you, then you're trying to- Go right ahead and vote for me. See if I give a little- I'm going to just guess Sam. I'm drunk. Don't guess Sam. I just told you who it was. It's Raphael. I know for a fact it's Raphael.
Go ahead. No, it's your turn.
Katie thinks it's Ralph. Sam. Wait, you said Katie? I said Katie. You said Katie because it's Raphael.
I think we do a complete spread here. I'm going to do Wysock.
That's a waste of a vote. Well, the person who puked on a pop star, please take a sip of their drink.
Do it. No. I knew it. No one listens. I'm not going to say who it was.
We were at summer camp. It was a summer camp for the church and I had eaten- I got a pizza, late pizza night in the mess hall or whatever they called it.
I ate like half of it and I started to feel sick. And then one of my roommates was like, don't eat it. And I was like, I have to. And so I finished the whole thing. The gall of you to tell us that you have a strong stomach. And that night I had food poisoning for the first time and it was just coming out every which way.
It was four of us to a room, two bunk beds. The person beneath me was someone who eventually went on to become an R&B singer.
And I woke up, projectile vomit on the wall that went straight down to their bed and then went back to sleep. Woke up, vomited again. And then that time I explosively shit out of my- Your butt hole. My butt hole. But then I went, I tried to go back to sleep, but I was like, no, I can't. How am I going to explain this? I love sleeping with some puking shit.
It's the best way to sleep. All right. It is closing time.
Oh, come on. Which means our winner tonight is famous Baby Duck killer, Katie Marovitch. Good on you. Katie Marovitch, please go to the bar and collect your prize.
I have for you a pair of dirty laundry socks. And I have a bottle of dirty laundry wine. That's it for dirty laundry.
I'm your host, Lily Du. And here's hoping you become a regular. Good night.
Which one of you has drank breast milk as an adult? I have a stack of secrets about our guests. Which one of you broke into an abandoned hospital, has had three sugar daddies, accidentally dropped and killed a baby duck, performed oral sex for the first time at Robert Downey Jr.'s birthday party? Holy shit. And they have to guess who each secret belongs to. I look directly at Jess. You all think I'm a whore?
Oh, no, it's not me. Oh, well, it's not Safi because she said it's not her. I think it's a male.
Here's why. All right, let's hear it. Oscar, Oscar. Can we vote now? Can it be a speed round? Will the four-way kisser please take a sip from their drink? Just kidding. Oh, yes. She's a little raspy. What?
Yes, Ben.
I can't believe it. That's three points to Brendan. Why did you do that? What he's been wanting this whole time. God, I'd do it again. I did storm the Capitol.
I did not break into the White House.
We are off the rails. I'm your host, Lily Du, and here's hoping you become a regular, but not as regular as Grant. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ, Grant. Factually.
If that makes me feel like it's you, then you're trying to, like, knock on the door. Go right ahead and vote for me. See if I give a little house- I'm gonna just, uh, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna guess Sam. I'm drunk. Don't guess Sam.
I just told you who it was. It's Raphael! I know for a fact it's Raphael.
Go ahead. No, it's your turn.
Katie thinks it's Ross. Sam. Wait, who's, you said Katie? I said Katie. You said Katie because it's Raphael.
I think we do a complete spread here. I'm gonna do Wysock. Wow. That's a waste of a vote. Will the person who puked on a pop star please take a sip of their drink? Do it.
You! No! I did it! No! No one listens! No! So I was, I'm not gonna say who it was.
We were at summer camp. It was a summer camp for the church.
And I had eaten, I got a pizza, late pizza night. In the mess hall or whatever they called it. I ate, like, half of it and I started to feel sick. And then one of my roommates was like, don't eat it. And I was like, I have to. And so I finished the whole thing. The gall of you to tell us that you have a strong stomach. And that night I had food poisoning for the first time and it was just coming out every which way.
It was four of us to a room, two bunk beds. The person beneath me was someone who eventually went on to become an R&B singer.
And I had, I woke up, projectile bombing, a wall that went straight down to their bed and then went back to sleep. Woke up, vomited again. And then that time I explosively shit out of my, you know.
Your butt hole. My butt hole.
But then I went, I tried to go back to sleep. But I was like, no, I can't. How am I going to explain this?
I love sleeping with some puking shit. It's the best way to sleep.
All right. It is closing time. The final scores are Sam Rice with three points. Katie Maravich with six points. Jacob Wysocki with four points. And Raphael Chosnek with a big fat zero. Oh, come on. Which means our winner tonight is famous baby duck killer, Katie Maravich. Katie Maravich, please go to the bar and collect your prize.
I have for you a pair of dirty laundry socks. And I have a bottle of dirty laundry wine. That's it for dirty laundry.
I'm your host, Lily Du. And here's hoping you become a regular. Good night. Which one of you has drank breast milk as an adult? That baby's getting something I want to try. Move over.
I have a stack of secrets about our guests. Which one of you broke into an abandoned hospital, has had three sugar daddies, accidentally dropped and killed a baby duck, performed oral sex for the first time at Robert Downey Jr.'s birthday party. Holy shit. And they have to guess who each secret belongs to. I look directly at Jess.
You don't think I'm a whore? Oh, no, it's not me. Oh, well, it's not Sephy because she said it's not her. I think it's a male.
Here's why. All right, let's hear it. Oscar, Oscar. Can we vote now? Can it be a speed round? Will the four-way kisser please take a sip from their drink? Just kidding. Oh, yes. She's a little raspy. What?
Yes, Ben.
I can't believe it. That's three points to Brendan. Why did you do that? What he's been wanting this whole time. God, I'd do it again. I did storm the Capitol.
I did not break into the White House.
We are off the rails. I'm your host, Lily Du, and here's hoping you become a regular, but not as regular as Grant. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ, Grant. |
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