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cracked | rob_lowe_s_directv_commercials_cracked_responds | You guys, I want to talk about these Rob Lowe commercials for DirecTV, of which there seem to be thousands now. The campaign slogan is Don't Be Like This Me, which is essentially, don't be a lesser version of Rob Lowe, which, card to the table, all of us are. Hi, I'm Rob Lowe, and I have DirecTV.
And I have cable.
This scrawny arms one really sticks out to me because he's not comparing himself against someone who's like made really bad decisions or someone who's a jerk. It's a guy who committed the sin of not having giant arms, which plenty of people are.
Right, Schmitty. Exactly.
He looks like I'm not having any mayonnaise. And he gets punished. Scrawny arms Rob Lowe can't have mayonnaise. So I guess the message of the commercial is if you don't get DirecTV, how do you expect to get mayonnaise ever again?
Movies have trained us to root for the painfully awkward guys, right? Yeah. I mean, I'm not dressed like the Martin Short character from SNL he's doing, but otherwise it's all cable TV providers. Painfully awkward Rob Lowe is worried about social interactions, which is very common to a lot of people. I'm very uncomfortable just talking to you and close friends right here. Fact.
I can't go with other people in the room. He can't pee with someone standing right next to him.
Can Rob Lowe do that? Like Rob Lowe is saying, don't be like this man.
He's a shit. Painfully awkward is not a sin. He didn't. Yes, Daniel. Painfully awkward. Everyone's favorite persona.
There is a very thin line in these commercials between regular Rob Lowe, if you know a lot about his life, and any other Rob Lowe. Creepy Rob Lowe is no creepier than Rob Lowe. Read his Wikipedia page. Little Rob Lowe had a sex tape leak with a 16-year-old girl, so how is he not Creepy Rob Lowe in a Creepy Rob Lowe commercial? Every time I see these commercials where it's like, hi, I'm Rob Lowe and I have Direct TV, and I'm slightly less attractive Rob Lowe.
My question is always, which one of you is the one that had a threesome with a 16-year-old in Georgia?
Direct TV is wireless. Peakton High School Rob Lowe is yet another house party at Rob Lowe's house where no one is watching his Direct TV that he keeps raving about.
Everyone's like, coupled off into that thing where it's like, oh, thank God you came to the party. You're the one person I know.
At least Peakton High School Rob Lowe, he's got an electric guitar, he's got the game on. Peakton High School Rob Lowe has more trophies than I have from high school and the rest of my life.
And I'm still captain of the team. Don't be like this me. And Rob Lowe's like, oh, you think you're still the leader of the team? You should be aware of how pathetic you are. Cable user.
Also, regular Rob Lowe goes to fast food in like a full suit like a f***ing asshole. For 20 seconds before these events, Rob Lowe's car parked outside. Rob Lowe's assistant is like, hey, Rob, do you want any other dishes and food? And Rob's like, no, no, I need to go in there.
There's a guy. I need to s*** on a guy. There's a guy who thinks there's glory in being proud of your past accomplishments. Yeah, yeah.
Far less attractive Rob Lowe. That is his only crime. I kind of take issue with far less attractive. It's kind of like a fixer-upper house. You can still see the Rob Lowe under there. Like that guy could turn that around relatively easily. Gave him a bit of a gut, and he's balding. Still has Scott Collard's shirt on. I feel bad for Meathead Rob Lowe, too, because he looks like a person that I would not like in real life.
Sure. But I see him talk, and he's smiling all the time, and he seems very pleasant.
He works out. Rob Lowe also probably works out all the time. Meathead Rob Lowe has his own tanning bed and jet seat.
Do they live in the same house? That's what's interesting. Interestingly, he's the only Rob Lowe alter ego who succeeded in business enough apparently to live in as nice a house as Rob Lowe does. All of it. Yeah.
He's better off. Ugly Rob Lowe couldn't hack it. Scrawny arms. Exactly as handsome as Rob Lowe. Just scrawny arms. Could not make a dime. But Meathead Rob Lowe is like, yeah, I franchised like a series of gyms, and I'm fine.
Okay, so we've now wasted quite a bit of work time watching every single DirecTV commercial. What are we supposed to learn about the product from this? I don't know what DirecTV does, but I think they're going to stop and exclusively be a studio that makes these commercials.
With Super Skinny Rob Lowe, he sort of looks like pre-Super Soldier Serum Rob Lowe. Like I want that to be. Yeah, you could be Captain Rob Lowe. I want that to be, hey, Ryan Reynolds, how did you get into acting? Well, I was a thin Canadian boy, and then I was given the serum, and that's why I'm gonna be an actor. I like that you think Scrawny Rob Lowe gets the serum and becomes Ryan Reynolds.
Not Rob Lowe. No, not Rob Lowe.
I wanted one of them, at least, though, to end with Regular Rob Lowe meeting Alternate Rob Lowe, and they just both start screaming, I can't fathom why. Your name is Meathead Rob Lowe? How is this happening? The director has a gun, and it's like, which one do I eat? This is literally the most Rob Lowe's I've ever seen in my life. Hey guys, thank you so much for watching Cracked Response to those things that you usually just skip over and probably don't even register with your brain. Let us know if you have any ideas about, you know, like, what's Rob Lowe already in that an alternate Rob Lowe would be a better Rob Lowe for?
Or anything that we really shouldn't analyze that deeply. Like if you saw, like, a food wrapper that you want us to, like, tie to societal trends. Food wrapper, like, a foodicress? Or yeah, Weird Al, if he did that one album, but it was a rap album.
Dance was better. Let's cut it after dance.
Your actions, which is very common to a lot of people. I'm very uncomfortable just talking to you, my close friends, right here. Fact.
I can't go with other people in the room. He can't pee with someone standing right next to him?
Can Rob Lowe do that? Read Rob Lowe and do that? Rob Lowe is saying, don't be like this to me.
Piece of shit. Painfully awkward is not a sin. He didn't. Yes, Daniel. Painfully awkward.
Everyone's favorite persona.
There is a very thin line in these commercials between regular Rob Lowe. If you know a lot about his life, any other Rob Lowe's. Creepy Rob Lowe is no creepier than Rob Lowe. Read his Wikipedia page. Real Rob Lowe had a sex tape leak with a 16-year-old girl. So how is he not Creepy Rob Lowe in a Creepy Rob Lowe commercial? Every time I see these commercial works, like, hi, I'm Rob Lowe, and I have direct TV. And I am slightly less attractive Rob Lowe.
My question is always, which one of you is the one that had a threesome with a 16-year-old in Georgia?
Direct TV is wireless. Peakton High School Rob Lowe is yet another house party at Rob Lowe's house where no one is watching his direct TV that he keeps raving about.
Everyone's, like, coupled off into that thing where it's like, oh, thank god you came to the party. You're the one person I know.
At least Peakton High School Rob Lowe has got an electric guitar. He's got the game on. Peakton High School Rob Lowe has more trophies than I have from high school and the rest of my life. And I'm still captain of the team.
Don't be like this me. And Rob Lowe's like, oh, you think you're still the leader of the team? You should be aware of how pathetic you are. Cable user.
Also, regular Rob Lowe goes to fast food in, like, a full suit like a fucking asshole. 20 seconds before these events, Rob Lowe's car parked outside. Rob Lowe's assistant is like, hey, Rob, do you want any other dishes and food? And Rob's like, no, no, I need to go in there.
There's a guy. I need to shit on a guy. There's a guy who thinks there's glory in being proud of your past accomplishments. Yeah, far less attractive Rob Lowe. That is his only crime. I kind of take issue with far less attractive. It's kind of like a fixer-upper house. You can still see the Rob Lowe under there. Like, that guy could turn that around relatively easily. Gabe looks a bit of a gut. And he's balding. Still has a colored shirt on. I feel bad for Meathead Rob Lowe, too. Because he looks like a person that I would not like in real life.
But I see him talk. And he's smiling all the time. And he seems very pleasant.
He works out. Rob Lowe also probably works out all the time. Meathead Rob Lowe has his own tanning bed and jet suit.
Do they live in the same house? That's what I say. Interestingly, he's the only Rob Lowe alter-ego who succeeded in business enough, apparently, to live in as nice a house as Rob Lowe does. All of it. Yeah, he's better off.
Ugly Rob Lowe couldn't hack it. Scrawny arms. Exactly as handsome as Rob Lowe, just scrawny arms. Could not make a dime. But Meathead Rob Lowe is like, yeah, I franchised a series of gyms and I'm fine.
OK, so we've now wasted quite a bit of work time watching every single direct TV commercial. What are we supposed to learn about the product from this? I don't know what direct TV does. But I think they're going to stop and exclusively be a studio that makes these commercials.
With Super Skinny Rob Lowe, he sort of looks like pre-Super Soldier Serum Rob Lowe. Like, I want that to be. Yeah, you could be Captain Rob Lowe. Hey, Ryan Reynolds, how did you get into acting? Well, I was a thin Canadian boy, and then I was given the serum. And that's why I'm going to be an actor. I like that you think Scrawny Rob Lowe gets the serum and becomes Ryan Reynolds.
Not Rob Lowe. No, not Rob Lowe.
I really wanted one of them, at least, though, to end with regular Rob Lowe meeting alternate Rob Lowe, and they just both start screaming. I can't fathom why. Your name is Meathead Rob Lowe? How is this happening? The director has a gun, and it's like, which one do I? This is literally the most Rob Lowe's I've ever seen in my life. Hey, guys, thank you so much for watching Cracked Response to those things that you usually just skip over and probably don't even register with your brain. Let us know if you have any ideas about what's Rob Lowe already in that an alternate Rob Lowe would be a better Rob Lowe for.
Or anything that we really shouldn't analyze that deeply. If you saw a food wrapper that you want us to tie to societal trends. Food wrapper like a foodicress? Or, yeah, Weird Al, if he did that one album, but it was a rap album.
Dance was better. Let's cut it after dance. |
ClickHole | towels_explained_in_90_seconds | Towels. You've likely seen them anywhere from your bathroom to piled up in your gym's laundry baskets. But what are towels, really? We'll break down everything you've ever wanted to know about towels in just 90 seconds, starting now.
So we all know what napkins are. Think of the last napkin you used, but imagine it made of cloth. Now picture that cloth napkin just bigger. Got it?
That's a towel. Towels have two modes, wet and dry. A towel is wet when it feels moist against your skin. A towel is dry when it is no longer wet. So what happens when a towel becomes wet? Well, towels are made of cotton, so they don't react to liquid like paper does. Instead of breaking down like a napkin, towels actually drink up the liquid and become heavier. Now, I know what you're thinking. A heavier, soggier towel?
It's ruined. Not so.
It may be tempting, but do not throw your towel away. Towels can actually be used multiple times. That said, you may be wondering when exactly you should use a towel. Here's an example. Picture a puddle of liquid on the ground. Now, say you want that puddle gone. You could just leave it there and hope for the best. Or you could use a towel. Or maybe you step out of the shower and find yourself covered in moisture. You may be tempted to just put on your clothes right away, but a towel is the perfect way to dry yourself off before that. Yes, these are very different situations, but don't panic.
That's why different types of towels exist. There are bath towels, hand towels, beach towels, kitchen towels. And not only that, but towels come in different sizes and colors. There are red towels.
Well, looks like that's all the time we have. Don't forget to subscribe and keep expanding your mind with our other videos. |
cracked | how_all_couples_eventually_tune_each_other_out | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can this is one of those I'm sorry, honey. Sharon. I can't quite hear you from the other room. Sorry. Have you seen my sorry? It's a little quiet just one more time Okay, now that's way too loud. Sorry.
I don't have to scream it. Let me just take a step back It literally feels like you are scooping my brain out of my skull with your tongue Okay, maybe just go to the go to the table and just kind of like casually like over shoulder like you're looking Have you actually now that's too quiet. It sounds like you're talking with like a little Melanie Griffith baby doll voice That's no I'm not getting it. Um, okay. I have an idea Ah See now the volumes good, but it sounds like you're speaking in Dutch Oh, is this better see now I can't hear anything.
I'm literally I think it's landing around me, but it's not hitting me is this better Is this better? Yeah, maybe it's something with the frequencies. It's better. No, that's worse Try something What what what if I love it off of that wall so it bounces back I didn't get any of that Is this better? I think the leaves are scattering the sound. I'm just getting static over here. Try arcing it over I'll glob it over the tree Three inches This is better come again One inch We're so close just one millimeter forward Is this better yes Have you seen my glasses on your head what what What Oh Hey guys, thanks for watching the video Hope you liked it a whole lot Make sure to subscribe and leave the comments and click the like button to show you liked it Don't be too mean in the comments.
Thanks on Monday, Wednesday, Friday We got brand new videos for you on Tuesdays and Thursdays We don't do that on the weekends. We also don't do that So be sure to check them out on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
You guys are the best. I'll crack you later. Thanks for cracked in Say I'm so high |
cracked | wonder_woman_s_sex_tape_a_lost_episode_of_super_friends | Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice.
Okay, which one of you did it? Tell me who did it so I can kick his ass. But seriously, we have no idea what you're talking about.
Who put Wonder Woman's sex tape on the internet? Play it. No, she's our friend. I'm not gonna violate her womanhood. Found it. Damn, girl. That's a sex tape. That's enough, guys. Come on. Is that the penguin? Banging a villain, you slut.
She's gotta have some serious daddy issues. Abandoned as a child.
Maybe. You would know, Master Wayne. Ha! Nice. Enough!
This is a disgusting invasion of privacy. How could you guys do this to a beautiful and complicated woman like Diana?
First, I didn't do this. And second, she ain't your girl. I know she's not my girl, Black.
She made that very clear to me. She's just got a real specific type, you know? Yeah, a fat, unattractive type that probably can't run fast. I know, right?
Penguin is slow as shit. This is so disappointing for me.
Hey, guys. What's going on? Oh, my goodness. Diana, you see, somebody put your fuck tape online. What? Don't worry.
I'm gonna find out which one of these jerkoffs did it. And when I do, asses are gonna be kicked. Damn it. Wasn't supposed to go live until tomorrow. Wait a minute. You put this online? Damn right I did. I'm gonna kill my publicist for leaking it early.
What'd you guys think, though? Look OK? For a lesbian, you fat.
Ooh, maybe I can get TMZ to ambush me somewhere, and I'll pretend I didn't know. But why would you do that? Come on, Flash. It's just business. My TV pilot flopped, and I need the publicity to keep up with the rest of you guys.
I mean, Batman can't stop making movies.
One billion gross worldwide, and I didn't have to stroke off a monster to do it. Superman's getting another reboot, which is going to be great. Well, it won't be. But at least I'll get a huge piece of the back end.
Just like the Penguin did. Oh. Nice. Hell, Black Vulcan even has his own dating show on BET. Well, I'm tired of it. It's not like I'm some D-list superhero. I'm fucking Wonder Woman. Just like the Penguin. Wah-wah.
Come get it. Whatcha got? Come see me. Who gonna stop me? Come on.
Wait a minute. Rewind the tape. Someone else is in the room. Yeah, Martian Manhunter needs the press worse than I do.
That's it. I'm putting an end to this right now. All right, you know what?
I'm taking this to the bathroom. Wonder Woman, hit me with that link. Titsitsits.com. Do I have to tour at this? Never mind. Found it. Meanwhile in the bathroom.
Ah. I quit.
I think you're really gonna like it a lot. Don't think that I know what you want. You're not just some like member of a market that I'm trying to snag. You're your own person. You know what you like better than I do. Just do what you want.
Subscriber don't. No, no. Please subscribe. Please subscribe or else they're gonna fire me. You |
dropout | the_relationship_simulator_bed | That's what I'm saying.
Hey, hello. Hi. Hi, Mikey.
What's the best part about sleeping with somebody? The sex. Cut it out! It's actually the terrible night's sleep. Waking up feeling tired and angry makes you feel loved. If you sleep alone but still want the shared bed experience, fear not. Heavenly dreams, matters kings, new state of the art, long-term relationship simulation bed, as everything your heart desires.
While we get a load of all these cuttle features, this adjustable arm and torso attachment can have both thick and little spoon capabilities, so you know you're sleeping tight. That's not all! As soon as you reach the right temperature to fall asleep, that arm's gonna yank those blankets away. Hey-o! That's what I call sleeping with a loved one. Mikey!
The long-term relationship simulation bed also has a built-in leg featuring a freezing cold foot with really sharp toenails, okay? Now, these toenails are gonna surprise you anywhere between five and ten times throughout the night.
Oh! Jesus Christ!
Now, that's the sleep you're looking for. This bed also simulates your partner's sleep talking and, of course, night terrors.
Snakes. Snakes everywhere.
At one point, the bed will simulate your partner getting up to use the washroom. Wowie! Look at all that space.
But don't be fooled. It only lasts for one minute.
Then the bed screams at you to move over. Move! Over!
Now, you will find that you still feel uncomfortable fodding around the bed, okay? And who wouldn't? That bed's got feelings.
Are you kidding me? You directed that fart right at me. But wait!
These wonderful features don't end just because it's morning. When your alarm goes off, this baby's gonna spray you in the face with morning breath. Ooh! Smells like morning to me.
You'll also find that the leg feature has shoved you over into a tiny section of the bed and now your back hurts a little. Who drank my water? The bed did. The long-term relationship simulation bed also comes in alcoholics. Oh! What is the bed wet? Marriage on the rocks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Paranoia. Oh my God. I think someone's breaking in. I am scared.
And dog at the end of your bed. Go away. Oh boy, that dog is gonna wake up and beg for attention as soon as the sun comes up. So run. Don't walk.
To try out our new long-term relationship simulation bed.
Today! Today. You're not doing it. One, two, three. Today! Who says it like that? I say today! Today! Stop it!
Why do you say it like a normal person? I'm saying it like a normal person.
One, two, three. Today! Stop! One, two, three. Today! You didn't even wait for three! Oh, take this seriously. I can't work with you. Get the bed. Today!
I want a divorce. Here's social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_howard_goodall | What was the difference between punk rock and just being angry but without a guitar? What sort of music was popular in Victorian times? What were the genres? R&B, soul, rock? One was the music hall. Is music hall the first sort of music named after a building? And do you think that was a big influence on Acid House? So could you play some music hall for me now? Right, well there were lots of popular songs and they liked certain sort of rhythms and vamps so this was a very popular one which you go like this My old man say follow the land and don't dilly dally on the wane That sort of rhythm was very popular.
So why was that considered entertaining? People sang songs during World War II to keep their spirits up didn't they? How loud did they have to sing to be heard over the bombs? Well especially as they would have sometimes been in underground stations shouting from the bombs it would have been loud in the underground station the singing if everybody was singing together but it's true you wouldn't have been heard much I wonder if when they sang they used to time their singing with the explosions that would be a fun thing to do Difficult, very difficult to time it because quite random the falling of bombs In the war there were lots of songs taking the piss out of Hitler weren't there How come they don't sing those sorts of songs anymore?
Well he's not around anymore so it's not so amusing Where is he? Well he's dead He's dead? Yes Oh right so it'd be disrespectful to Well not so much disrespectful as pointless really Pointless A bit pointless Yeah The Beatles created some incredible music whilst they were on drugs Did they not have dope testing back then? How come they weren't disqualified from the charts? Well as a matter of fact there were songs they did that the BBC who in those days were most of the radio stations thought were references to drug taking so they did ban them from the charts It's weird that the Beatles LSD songs are so happy isn't it because LSD isn't always a happy experience like my mate Paul met this Italian couple whilst he was backpacking and they invited him back to their room for a threesome and they gave him some LSD and when they got there the bloke one pulled a screwdriver on him and made him shit in his own shoe and eat it whilst the woman one filmed it and that's the side of drug use that Paul McCartney doesn't sing about isn't it? No I think luckily that that kind of experience never came his way Who was Elgar? He sounds sort of rough was he a caveman or something?
Elgar was a composer in the late 19th century When someone like Elgar's invented a new tune how did this sort of convert it into orchestra mode so it's being played by instruments? He probably when he composed it and notated it out and had the sound in his head he would then what's called orchestrate it so he'd write out all the parts for all the different instruments then he'd hand that over to an orchestra and they would play it How do the instruments know what to play though? Because it was all written out for them their little part was written out for them and all the little parts joined together So the instruments have people attached to them?
They do So what's Land of Hope and Glory all about what's its core message? Well it's a patriotic song people think it's about bashing the drum for Britain really If you sang it in like Portuguese would it still feel British or would that just fucking ruin it? Well it wouldn't have any meaning but you might get that it sounded like it was supposed to stir you up without knowing why or what it was about So it's sort of like Three Lions isn't it by the lightning seeds with Frank Skinner and David Baddiel? It is But less catchy The sex pistols were fired weren't they as tv presenters what was all that about? Well I think the thing about the sex pistols were that they were had a lot of impact because they got a lot of you know shock value and sensation in the papers and on telly and they helped really launch the movement upon because everybody knew about what they were up to But I don't understand why they got fired on the telly Well they swore Oh right yeah okay that was quite shocking back then wasn't it? Then it was Not now though really now you'd have to do something much bigger wouldn't you? Yeah You'd have to like do a poo on the wand show or something Yes even then you know you might not get fired What if you sort of then hiked your trousers up without even wiping? |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_sarah_nade | But he was a big hit at the time. Ah! You came! Yeah, of course. You said you had penguin meat in here, so I wanted to sing. You fell for my ruse!
Okay, well, see ya. Would the lady not care to hear a song or two before she leaves? I'm gonna regret this. This is the little one I wrote a while back.
You see, it was an exciting time for this country's history. A lot of fresh faces were coming ashore from the old world, and my friends and I were there waiting for them with a song. A look upon the shore, what stench this way comes.
Tis a boatload full of Irish men, all stinking and all drunk. They filled this endless flea from their homeland in the sea, and if God had mercy, he would sink their boats immediately. So raise the bridges, shout the ports, keep the Irish from our shores, drown the children for their eyes. No Irish need apply.
It's a pirate statue!
Well done. Well?
Um, I thought that was really offensive to Irish people, just straight up cruel and overall a terrible sentiment. That one doesn't really hold up, but it was a big hit at the time.
Okay, well, perhaps something a little more modern. I kinda got it done. Yeah! Alright! There we go! This is from the 1950s, the birth of a little something we call Rock and Roll.
You ready, big wheel? Ready, Santa.
Alright, well, have you heard about my girl? She's really fine. She's my number one lady, and you know she's all mine.
Daddy didn't like me, so I said he was a rare. So he locked him up in prison. This is what she said. I miss my daddy dearest, and I love you anyway. He was a dirty communist, and he had to go away. Now that I've got freedom and a car of my own, I can forget about my daddy cause he's too high and all alone.
Hey! Get down for me, yeah! Okay, well, is that a true story? Yeah, of course.
I mean, the best stuff really comes from real life. I find when I'm writing a song...
Okay, so you met a girl, and she didn't like you for some reason, and you told the cops her dad was a communist, so he'd go to jail? It was a shameful time in American history, yes. Okay, well, you don't really seem ashamed. Love justifies all.
No! Let me have the song, then! No, I'm leaving the song.
This song is about you. Okay, I'll hear it. Yeah, that's a stone groove, baby. You like the sound of that girl? Then you're gonna love the sound of this.
Say, oh, oh, oh, I'm a beautiful lady. I'm thinking that maybe you and me could go crazy. Say, oh, oh, oh, my heart is turning, and my body is yearning. To see you in your bed and burning, baby.
Wait, is that a metaphor? No!
Last night, I know you look so right. All tucked up in your bed. Pillow on your head and a t-shirt so red.
Let me bring it down. Picking up at 8.18 a.m. Yeah! Then you making some eggs and bacon. Put out morning joe with Joe Scott Brode. And you check your email. Okay, you were working last night? No. It was like early this morning. It's like, what do you call like 2 a.m., you know? Is that night?
Phantom, that's fucked up. You can't just do that. God, stop coming to my apartment.
Well, fine. Can I give you a piece of advice then? What? Even though you live alone, and even though it was the middle of the night, it's not okay to not flush after a deuce. So about my payment, Phantom. Yeah, pound and a half of Emperor penguin meat? Right. What do you think? It's great. Can you please help me but? Yes. No, no, I'm fine, and it's great. Okay, come on up. Make your face felt a little bit worse. This is, this is, it's going to be great.
But I'm saying okay. I think it's great. But I'm saying okay. I'm saying okay. Okay.
Next to say goattering. How you doing? Well? Okay. I hear something coming out. You might hear something. Kinda funny, don't worry. Yeah, pound and a half of emperor penguin meat. What do you think? It's great. Yeah.
Oof. That's not long for this world. You better grind that quick. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_102_Dr_Norman_Daddy_Swan_on_the_COVID_19_Outbreak_ | And once again, this week's show is proudly brought to you by Budgie Smugglers. Yes, Budgie Smugglers, sponsoring Budgie Smugglers Studio here in downtown Batuta. You know, Budgie Smugglers is one of those industries that, you know, heading into the European summer when we see COVID-19 start to hopefully ease in Europe, they might actually have a bit of success.
A lot of companies around Australia are struggling right now, you know, particularly manufacturers that rely on materials from China. Budgie Smugglers is not one of those companies, they're all Australian made. And in fact, they are an Australian icon.
And when we get through these uncertain times ourselves, summer will be one to celebrate. I think now that because we're all going to be working from home, you know, there's going to be a limited amount of opportunities that Australians are going to have to go down to the seaside and have a swim or down to their local pool, river or dam.
So while you're walking around the house, don't do it in the nude, do it in a pair of Budgies. Head to www.budgiesmugglers.com.au and follow the links.
Now let's get on with the show. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batuta Advocate radio show. In these uncertain times, obviously been reading a lot about the coronavirus on government websites, organizations and departments that are providing information. Of course, The Batuta Advocate is covering it diligently. And just yesterday we ran a story about one of the experts we've been going to, Dr. Norman Swan.
Thank you for joining us today. I'm honored, particularly knowing that Norman isn't the nation's daddy. Oh my God. Daddy, daddy Swan. Well, at least it wasn't granddaddy. My God, that would have been something terrible. You've stepped up.
A lot of people do look for expert opinions in times like this. And as we've learned earlier in the week, a lot of media pundits have taken it upon themselves to tell everyone to calm down or that it's not a big deal.
What are your thoughts on coronavirus being described as the global warming of health by Alan Jones on 2GB? Well, with all due respect to Alan, he's wrong.
You know, this is not a fizzer. If we're really lucky, it will be a fizzer, but it'll only be a fizzer because you do something.
There's no magic fairy here on the graph. The graph in Australia is going up steeply and there's no magic fairy who's going to climb to the top and by dint of their muscles going to pull it down and magically this is going to go away.
If you look at every other country that's been on this steep graph, you can absolutely predict where we're going. There's a doubling time every four days. It's getting a bit shorter. And it's year seven maths and it doesn't take you long to get to very large numbers from very small numbers. So about three weeks ago, this is where Italy was and this is where we are now. And if nothing happens, then we could end up where Italy is now in three weeks' time. It's absolutely predictable from the rise in the numbers unless that graph changes its trajectory. Well, Norman, I'm looking at a graph now. It's a graph of the confirmed cases of it. It's on log scale and you can see on day 27 from the first day that the virus was recorded in China, there's a definite flattening that's happening from day 27 to where we are now at day 62.
And you can see that in China and you can see that being replicated in South Korea, Japan and Singapore. Singapore in the last few days I think is up-ticking a bit. So I think you might be losing a bit of control there. So did these countries, to flatten their curve, did they enact a blanket type of lockdown that we should be seeing worldwide? I think the lockdown that everybody saw with Hubei province is not what happened necessarily in other places as well. So it's slightly different, but there are common things that happened outside China. So the first thing that happens, and we did it very early, and it's one of the reasons our numbers are so low, is that we were very quick to put in a travel ban to China.
That was a major source. Pardon me. That was okay, I don't have COVID-19, not yet. Just tickly throat. And that was into my sleep by the way.
Well, I'm just glad that we're doing this over Skype. We're sitting opposite ends of the table here.
Nobody told you you can catch this.
So we were quick to put down travel bans, so we reduced imported cases, and we did it with Italy, Iran and South Korea. But we didn't do it with America until the last couple of days, and America was a source of importation. So we're an island, and we stopped importing cases, or we radically reduced them.
That's one reason why our numbers are really quite low. But now you're starting to get spread within the community. And then there was probably a bit of spread from the Diamond Princess people coming into Australia as well, which hasn't quite played out through the system yet either. So the question is, what has happened in those countries where they had a problem and they seem to have flattened it out? Well, they are very good at identifying cases. That's the first thing.
So they are aggressively testing, and they test more than we do. And I hesitate to say that we should be testing a lot more, because the resources are limited and people are working flat out. But we probably should have earlier on amplified our testing regime, because we really don't know how many people are walking around the community with the SARS-CoV-2 virus. And you only know that when you amp up your testing regime. And they can say, well, low numbers is going to be very dilute and not very profitable to do that.
And there's some truth to that, but the numbers are increasing now. And there could be anything up to 20 times more people in the community with it, particularly younger people who get milder disease, don't know they've got it. They're half as infectious as others, but because there's more of them in many parts of the world, 30% of new infections come from younger people who think they're invincible. They go off and have their COV-2 parties, and it spreads from there.
Yeah, because the current government policy now is that they're only testing people who they know have come into direct contact with someone who has it, or has been overseas. Yeah, there are three or four criteria, that's right. So have you come back from overseas in those 14 days? That's going to become less relevant because they're going into immediate isolation, or quarantine, I should say.
Have you come in contact with somebody with COVID-19, a known case? Have you got a pneumonia which is not explained regardless of whether you've come in contact or coming overseas? An unexplained pneumonia, that should get tested. And if you're a healthcare worker, a nurse, a doctor, a physiotherapist, or a dentist, or something like that, and you've got respiratory symptoms that look as if they're not going away or they're serious, then healthcare workers, because they are very high risk of this. And when the epidemic gets going overseas, 20% of the healthcare workforce get infected. And I got a text yesterday from a junior doctor in an emergency department in London where two ENT consultants are in intensive care on heart-lung bypass because they've got coronavirus.
I'm sure they're not 70 years old with heart disease. So once the numbers go up, you get more young people coming into intensive care, anything up to about 40% of the intensive care beds are taken up by people who are younger than 60. So it's not that you're steel-belted if you're younger. There are younger people getting serious illness, and there's no way of predicting whether or not you're going to get it. So it's more likely the older you get, but it doesn't give you a leave pass.
So what they're doing is case finding very aggressively, and then they're aggressively looking for the contacts of those people so that anybody to come in contact with lasts 48 hours or so. They're using CCTV. They're using spatial facilities on your smartphone. They're doing stuff that we would find a bit intrusive in Australia, but that's the extent to which they're going. If you're in quarantine, your phone will register where you are, and if you move out of the house, your phone pings you and tells you to go back home. All that sort of thing is happening quite aggressively.
And then the other thing is that school closure is mixed. Some do it, some don't. And I'll come back to that in a minute. And the other thing that they're doing is social distancing, which is really spatial distancing, keeping away from other people. And that's the only thing that really works. In association with case finding, the thing that really turns this curve over is major social distancing, where you're not mixing with other people very much at all unless you have to.
It's not a full lockdown like you see in Italy or in China. It doesn't have to be that tough. You can still go to the shops if you have to, go to work and so on, but really no weddings. That's not where we are in Australia, but that's the sort of toughness. In some countries, it's no gatherings over five people. You can't go to a pub or a bar on a Friday night.
So that's what they do. And then they're doing it in a highly disciplined way. They've managed to actually bend the curve and get it done.
Early, I wouldn't say it's misinformation, but early numbers created a bit of misinformation around the world in that this only affects old people. You've just pointed out that there's a lot of young people that are now in beds.
What other conditions would an everyday person be exposed to that might not work well with coronavirus? Other than obviously being of a certain age, what else doesn't work alongside it?
You yourself have convinced me to give up the cigarettes. I'm on the nick of my patches as we speak. That's good.
So smoking increases the receptors in the lung to which the virus binds. So more receptors, the more chance you have of getting infected in the first place. Smoking strips off the lining of your lung to an extent and neckers the immune system a bit in terms of actually the defence against the virus.
Smoking's not good. If you've got asthma and it's not well controlled, if you're sucking on the blue puffer, the ventiline puffer too much, two or three times a day, you need to be on a preventer medication and really use this moment. You know, one in five people listening to us chatting have got asthma. They probably think they're really good. They accept a bit of coughing during the night and a bit of coughing before they go on the morning run. That's unacceptable.
You've got to get your asthma really in good shape because you don't want a bad asthma attack. And the other thing is you've got to protect yourself against influenza. So when the new vaccine comes out, everybody should be immunised because you don't want to get bad at the same time. And you don't want to get it at all because it could mean that you end up in the emergency department, clogging up the emergency department when there are people sicker than you who need to be looked after. And so those are the sorts of things there. If you've got diabetes, you want to get, you know, most people who are younger have type 1 diabetes, which is insulin. You really want to get that under good control. Basically, if you get any other problem, you want to get it under - this is the time to get it under good control so you're in as good a shape as you possibly can be.
And just to clarify the statistic you talked about a minute ago, it's - everybody can catch this virus. It's just that different people, you know, different age groups seem to have different degrees of infectivity. So younger people tend to get milder disease. So the more severe the disease you get, the more infectious you are. But remember, you're infectious up to two days or so before the symptoms come out, but you don't know when the symptoms are going to come out. That's the problem. And on average, it's five days incubation, but sometimes it can be 14 days or even longer than that. So everybody can catch it. It's just that when you're younger, you're not quite as infectious as older people because it's milder. But because of the numbers of young people who get it, they're a really significant source of it.
And then a percentage of them will get sick and need intensive care, particularly young babies. So babies under 12 months of age are particularly susceptible to this coronavirus. And what you need is - a lot of us will have to be changing our behavior to do things like protect young babies. Nobody wants to see a young baby suffer, but just inadvertently if you're careless about this and think I'm not going to get seriously ill, well, A, you might get seriously ill and B, you may pass it on to somebody and you'll never know. But the little baby suffered because you've been a bit careless.
So this is now the third in what you would say a trilogy of human coronaviruses that has been kind of set loose upon the planet the last 20 or so years. How does this latest COVID-19 coronavirus, is it any biologically different to say the SARS or the MERS coronavirus? No, it is different. It's part of the same family, but it is different. The reason it's called SARS-CoV-2, and the first one is now called SARS-1, is that it is closely related to that SARS, but it's a different virus.
So with SARS, the original SARS, it was highly infectious, just like this one, but it was only infectious after symptoms came out. So it was relatively easy to control because you knew exactly who in the community was infectious, and therefore that was a sign. So if you didn't have symptoms, you didn't need to worry, as soon as the symptoms came out, then you jumped on it. That became very easy to control, but it had a higher death rate.
So the case fatality rate, sorry to be technical, but that's the number, the proportion of people who die relative to the number of people who got the infection, was 9% with SARS. So that was SARS. MERS, the Middle Eastern Respiratory Syndrome, that was spread from bats to, so the SARS was spread, SARS-1 was spread probably from bats to civet caps, and then into the human population. MERS, the Middle East one, seems to be bats, to camels, to the human population, the hajj was a source of this, and it's a really nasty disease.
It's got 30% mortality, but not very infectious at all. So since it was recognized a few years ago, I think 3,000 people have been infected, a third of them have died, but thankfully it wasn't very infectious. So it's still going, but it's not there. So this one, it's very infectious, you infect, each person infects two or three people if you don't control it, and it's got, the mortality, the case fatality rate's been moving around a lot, and it depends on a lot of factors. The average is probably 3%. A couple of weeks ago I was saying 1%, but I think it's landing on around about 3%. Italy maybe around 6%, but that's probably because they've got a lot more elderly people in Italy than they do here. So it's, and that's 30 times, 3% is 30 times the death rate of everyday flu, seasonal flu.
And what are something that the Australians who are living in a regional community, because we've heard from the Northern Territory government that they are considering closing down the state much the same as the Tasmanians have. What are some tips for regional Australians to really try to limit their exposure to this big virus that's taking over the cities? Yeah, I mean, just to be clear, I don't think it's taking over the cities yet, but it will if we don't do more than we're doing now, or seeing if we're doing now bends the curve, and if it doesn't, then we're going to have to jump in and jump in early. So, in terms of regional Australia, there's two aspects to that. One is Aboriginal communities. Aboriginal communities are going to be very vulnerable to this virus, because we've neglected the housing in Aboriginal communities, and people live in overcrowded circumstances.
Poorly maintained, it's not their fault, the houses have not been well built, and investment has not been made in maintaining them. No fault of the people there, it's just they're living in crap houses that fall apart.
And Aboriginal communities are highly at risk, so what they're doing in Aboriginal communities that are remote and well-defined, stopping new people coming into those, so they've ring-fenced those communities and trying to stop people coming in, because they're like a microcosm of the nation. If you stop people coming in, then you limit the chances of the virus hitting those communities. And that's part, I think, of what the Northern Territory is talking about, is there's a large Indigenous community, or Indigenous communities, both Aboriginal people and Torres Strait Islanders, and isolation of the communities will help to limit the spread of the SARS-CoV-2, and that will be very dominant in their minds. In regional communities, it's actually not, in regional cities for example, or regional towns, or country towns, then it's not very different from cities. It's the stuff you've heard about, hand hygiene, don't touch your face, you really don't mix with other people. This is different from what the government's saying, but essentially it's common sense. It's don't mix with other people unless you have to, and avoid places where people congregate, because the more you do that, the higher the chances that you're going to catch it. And it won't take long in a country town for a couple of people to arrive with it, and it runs right through the town, and you get a real cluster, which is, you know, you had a bit of a cluster in New South Wales, I think in Epping and Northwest Sydney, and it just doesn't take much for this to, if you're not vigilant, to spread.
And what you're asking people to do, and it's a tough ask, and it's a really tough ask, is change your individual behaviour and your family's behaviour to protect the community at large. So at this moment in Australia, the risk to us as individuals is low. Not much of it around yet, but it's going up fast, and it won't take long for there to be quite a lot of it around, but really changing our behaviour to protect everybody. It's like, you know, people don't realise, if you wear a seatbelt, the statistics are, you've got to wear, last time I looked, you've got to wear a seatbelt for 45 people, you've got to wear a seatbelt on every car journey for 45 years for one person's life to be saved. So in reality, wearing a seatbelt is a bit like this. You're changing your behaviour to stop a lot of injuries in the community, but the likelihood that you're going to need a seatbelt at any one time is low, but over the community it's high. So it's a population thing. Similarly with immunisation, one of the reasons we get immunised is to protect the whole community and to protect little babies, and now we're being asked to change our behaviour to protect the community at large, and you can say, well, screw that, I'm going to have a pool party and whatever else you might do at a pool party, and I want to get it because getting it is over with quickly. And you can understand why people might think that, and I'm going to be okay, but some of you will not be okay, and you'll pass it on to the others, and you'll be a source of this virus to the rest of the community.
So this is really, really hard stuff, and the government's going a bit soft at the moment because they just wanted to see whether they can bend the curve without doing too much that's drastic, but the signs are not good at the moment that they're actually getting traction, and they're going to have to put the foot on the pedal more strongly. Well, what everybody's worried about is how long you've got to have your foot on the brake. So you started off, you're talking about the Chinese curbs. So the Chinese are now taking the foot off the brake.
Is it going to come back? Because only about 1% of the Chinese population have had SARS-CoV-2, and if you take the foot off the brake, and what they found in 1918 in the Spanish flu epidemic is that some cities like Denver, St. Louis, took the foot off the brake too soon, and it came back with a vengeance. And the problem in China at the moment is we've just thrown out a whole heap of American journalists who've been reporting on this, and I'm personally not confident that their numbers are real. So will we know if it comes back? I'm not sure we will. Can you just tell us now, according to the government website, health.gov.au, for the listeners, we currently have 709 confirmed cases. I don't know, these numbers could change every minute. What would you say, and this is without trying to be alarmist, but just to give everyone a bit of preparation, what number do you think in confirmed cases until we start looking at a little bit more of a kind of Italy-Spain scenario? Well, there are several ways of looking at that, and I don't think there is a single number that says that's the trigger for closing schools, and that we don't go out of the house unless we've got a shop for food. I think that knowing what that number is, the sooner you do it, probably the better, so it hasn't run away from us. The stories from Britain at the moment are horrendous.
Let's just be clear what we're doing here. Before I get, I'm not sidestepping, I will come back to your question, but let's just be clear what we're doing.
The mathematical modelling that came out earlier this week from Imperial College London was into deaths and intensive care unit beds, and what they showed was that very soon, by the 2nd of April, the ICU beds in Britain will be totally overwhelmed. You're already getting reports from Britain. I got a text from a doctor in an emergency department in a British hospital yesterday, and it's heartbreaking. I'm being accused, by the way, of being a Jeremiah and being over the top and so on, but the description you get from the front line there and in Italy, it's like the Somme in the First World War. You're in the trench, and your lieutenant blows the whistle, and you're over the top to be mown down by German machine guns.
So they're being sent into battle with loosely fitting masks, little plastic aprons instead of protective gear, and 20% are going to get infected. Two of their consultants are in intensive care on heart-lung bypass, and that's just one hospital, and you're getting stories like that from more and more hospitals, and the discomfort the intensive care specialists have got is who gets treated and who doesn't. And I'm making very tough decisions about who you treat and who you don't, and healthcare workers are at the highest risk. So in fact, if we let this go, in a soft way, I'll say it in a hard way, we'll kill doctors and nurses and dentists because we'll be releasing this virus into the community. They're the front line. They put themselves in harm's way to keep us out of harm's way, but they will catch this disease, and they'll get a big dose of it, and they'll get it more severely, and they're out there.
They're turning up to work. They've got kids at home.
I interviewed on my health report program, an RN, an intensive care specialist from Queensland, who talked about the fact that that afternoon, it was last Sunday, I interviewed him. That afternoon, he was having a conversation with these teenage kids about what would happen if he died at work. That's the conversation he had.
So we're protecting our healthcare workers and our hospitals so they're there to treat us when we get sick, not just with coronavirus. You get sick, you've had a car accident, what have you. We won't have the beds if we let this go.
So coming back to your question, long answer. I apologize for that. So at what point do you decide it? It's about the doubling time and whether you're seeing the effect.
So the numbers today, that 700 today, reflects what was happening in Australia two weeks ago. Not yesterday, two weeks ago.
And what the government did during the week was just tap the brake pedal a little bit. Not a lot, just a little bit. 100, 500, these are arbitrary numbers. So just tap the brake a little bit.
But you won't see the effect of that for two weeks. And in two weeks' time, it will be too late. Because two weeks means we're about 12 to 20 days behind Italy at the moment. So in two weeks' time, we'll be very close to where Italy is today.
You're on this date because of the doubling time. So that's the problem. And so anything you do today to put your foot on the pedal, you're not going to see the effects of that on the curve for between 5 and 10 days. So it's not press the button and everything happens now. You press the button and it happens in 5 to 10 days' time.
So you actually have to act earlier rather than later. So do you act when there's 700 or do you act when there's 3,000? And when you act when there's 3,000, you're actually not going to see an effect until you're maybe at 15 or 20,000 because it's going to keep on doubling because you've already got people spreading it on the day that you put your foot on the brake.
And therefore, there's no right answer to this one. A lot of people feel that you should get in earlier. But this isn't for three weeks. This could be for months. So I've got huge sympathy with the government on this. Bloody difficult decisions. But the right time in getting this in, it's getting very close in my view. It's probably early next week sometime because I don't think you will see the effects on the curve. And you'll never know. What some officials said in the World Health Organization last week was get in early, get in aggressively, no regrets, just do it and apologize later. As in you think it's better to look alarmist in hindsight than it is to look under-prepared.
That's right. I'll be delighted if Alan Jones calls me this stupid prick in three weeks' time. Great.
But if you'd asked a climate change scientist this time last year who was predicting we would have bad bushfires, they would have all said to a person, prove me wrong. I would love to be wrong. And they were devastated when they were proved right.
There was no pleasure in it at all.
Let it be a fizzer. Just let this be a fizzer. It will be fantastic.
And then the question is when do you lift your foot off the brake? What you might be able to do after a month or two is you might be able to lift your foot off the brake for a couple of weeks and just see whether you get an uptake. And if you don't, well, if you don't get an uptake, then keep your foot off the brake. And if you do, put it back on the brake.
And we might be lucky. This is a seasonal virus and it disappears in the northern hemisphere quite quickly in the northern summer. We don't know that yet. And it will disappear as it warms up in Australia as the year goes by. We don't know that yet. One more question before we let you go, because we know you'd be under the pump right now.
For anyone listening, you can hear a lot more of this on CoronaCast with Dr Norman Swan for all your updates. And I know a lot of people have a lot of questions. I'm sure a lot of them could be answered across that.
But we don't want you to play Jeremiah as such, but what do you think has been the most reckless public directive since we started seeing, you know, since the Diamond Princess? Well, I don't think the Diamond Princess was reckless.
I mean, cruise ships are an incubation thing for all sorts of viruses. They make even less sense now, don't they? That's right. It's just watch them going by.
I think that what if I can reflect what the public is saying by CoronaCast. I mean, CoronaCast has just gone completely nuts.
And what they're saying is they were getting mixed messages. They didn't understand what it was. They felt. And I think the dominant mode of the messaging from government was they were terrified of panicking the population. So it was like public relations valiant. And, you know, they're there. But it came over as patronizing. They're there, Sonny. It will be all right. You just trust us to make this decision. That's not what they were saying, but it was kind of the way people took it. And as soon as you say they're there, don't panic. Everybody panics. And then there was mixed messages. I think last week was the Nadir of the communication stuff.
So you had the prime minister tripling down on going to the football on Saturday night and saying that he was getting medical advice to that effect and then not canceling the Grand Prix until the last minute. So there wouldn't have been a public health official or an epidemiologist in Australia or an infectious disease specialist. There wouldn't have been a single one in Australia who thought it was a good idea for 40,000 people to get together at the ANZ Stadium. Or 14,000 to go to the basketball in Western Australia on Friday night, last Friday night. Or a quarter of a million turning up at the Grand Prix.
And for several reasons. One is even though there's not much in the community, in 40,000 people there's going to be two or three probably with COVID-19. And then they're going to spread it. And then, as I said right at the beginning of this discussion, contact tracing is an essential part of controlling it.
You can't contract trace when you caught it at the basketball with 14,000 other people. Or a sold-out Banquet Stadium on Friday night. Parramatta and Bulldogs.
I know. That's right.
So you just can't do that. A quarter of a million, many of whom have come in from overseas. And so you just can't do that.
And so people were saying, look, I've been told for two weeks now, I've got to wash my hands every day, I've got to stay at home if I can, work from home if you possibly can. My business is doing that. We're doing all this.
And then the Prime Minister is saying he's going to the foodie. This doesn't make sense. And then you've got Peter Dutton arriving from America with the virus because it's gone mad in the United States and they haven't been testing and they're going to be like Italy. And he arrives with it and goes to the cabinet meeting.
And the World Health Organization says it's 48 hours you've got to be aware of. And he comes down with his symptoms on Thursday, which is within that 48-hour period.
And you don't see our leaders behaving the way we're asking individuals. So when individuals are coming in contact with people with COVID-19, they're being sent home to be on quarantine. And then they don't see that happening to cabinet.
It might not have had to happen to the whole cabinet, but maybe the people sitting on either side of Peter Dutton should have happened too. But Peter Dutton did the right thing. He went into isolation. It was the same as Tom Hanks and his wife. So he did the right thing, but the quarantining didn't.
And so people were really confused, really mixed messaging. And I think that was a bit of a crisis. And this week it seems to have settled down to much more straightforward communication. But it took that to happen. Last week was a shit show. Had to break a few hearts.
Now, we'll let you go now, Dr. Swan. Norman, thank you for joining us. But just one last question.
Is it all going to be okay? I think it will be okay if - so it depends what okay means. I think if we really pull together as a community, I think it will be okay. The question is how hard we have to pull together. And it may be for quite a while, and the economy will suffer, and people will lose money, and people will lose their jobs. It's not going to be a good time.
But I actually think some wonderful things will happen during this year. Communities will pull together. People will help each other. We'll find new ways of working. Hopefully the government will invest in innovation through this with new technologies and other things where we allow people to do exciting new stuff to help control the epidemic or entertainment. There's lots of opportunity in this environment. So, yes, we will.
And if we get that curve right down, we'll minimize the number of people who physically suffer through this. And when a vaccine comes out, we'll come out the other side. And we may come out the other side sooner if it's a seasonal virus.
So I'm quietly confident. I'm confident that Australians of all ages will pull together. So let's just aim for Carols by Candlelight. We'll be able to hang out with each other by then. I think so, yeah. Okay.
Thank you for joining us. Dr. Swan, thank you very much. I look forward to a future where experts are being listened to.
Yeah, and you don't need a corona cast. That would be a really good place to be where you don't need a corona cast.
All right. Thank you. Bye-bye. |
TheOnion | Treasury_Department_Issues_Emergency_Recall_Of_All_US_Dollars | Good afternoon. We have a lot of information to get out, so I will not be taking any questions.
As of 10 a.m. this morning, the U.S. Treasury Department has issued a full recall of all 776 billion pieces of U.S. currency in circulation. I know this must seem like a blow coming on the heels of this morning's announcement that our federal budget deficit has passed the $800 billion mark, but regrettably, these particular bills were printed with dye containing toxins that while completely safe at this moment will become extremely deadly Friday at exactly 12 noon. As a result, we need to act quickly. Okay, tomorrow all Americans will receive a bag like this in the mail. Just rubber band the money into neat piles and put it into the sack and then drop the sack into your nearest mailbox. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to burn or shred the money yourself. The federal government are the only ones that can destroy the money as we are the only ones with the proper facilities to do so. Excuse me, this is a massive recall.
If you review the old laws, it is actually not so uncommon for something like this to be done. So there really is no need to panic or to review those old laws because I just told you that it's true. We understand that this recall will be hard on U.S. citizens who will have no more money, but we assure you if you work hard, you will be eventually able to earn it back. This is in the best interest of the American people.
It's dye poisoning, causes your internal organs to rot from within, and is really painful until you puke up your guts and die.
I said no questions, there really is no time to think about this. Just listen to me and send in the money. Thank you. |
dropout | the_conspiracy_behind_your_glasses_adam_ruins_everything | Afternoon, Pierre. Adam, it's been too long. Is that a new pocket square? New to you. How's Madeline?
She agreed to a second date. I told you she was sweet on you.
And how are your loved ones? My turtles, they're quite well.
What do you got for me? Well, we have a number of new styles to show you. So many styles. How do I choose?
I'm sorry. She's a contacts person. She doesn't understand us.
These are clearly different brands. No, they're not. I'm the Adam now. Think about this for a second.
Even the most basic pair of glasses can cost around $400. That's as much as my phone. Haven't you ever wondered why a simple piece of plastic is the same price as this miracle of technology?
No, and you can't make me.
I love glasses too much. The power of knowledge. 80% of glasses and sunglasses brands are controlled by a single company. Look, Sadaka.
But that would give them a virtual monopoly over the entire industry. Bingo. And because they control both the luxury brands and the cheap brands, they can charge whatever they want for either.
No, I'm not seeing this. I'm sorry. You have to. Look, Sadaka uses that power to drive up the price of glasses for everybody, sometimes charging as much as 20 times what they cost to produce. Sorry.
And it's not just prescription glasses. Ray-Bans used to be bargain mass market sunglasses worn by everyone from Jasmine to Presidents to President Jasmine. But in 1999, look Sadaka bought the brand and raised the price to over $150 a pair. Quintuple what they were. Maybe they're five times better at banning Ray's now.
Get out of here, Ray. You're banned. Oh. Oh, the ideas your hair has.
Seventy percent of Sadaka's brands come from the exact same factory. This one's Prada. This one's Nada. Hey, this is just like what you did with clothing outlets.
Oh, this is Karma. I hate this. Glasses are really important to me. They're like 40 percent of my personality. Oh, suck it up.
You know we don't have to teleport everywhere. We can walk around the store. Why? Well, I'm a smart boy and I know what to do. I'll just go to a different store. Good luck. What is happening? It's simple.
Look Sadaka also owns almost all the major glasses stores too, including LensCrafters, Pearl Vision, Sears Optical, Target Optical, and Sunglass Hut, which means that the few brands that they don't own are forced to obey their demands. When Oakley charged a dispute Look Sadaka's pricing, Look Sadaka retaliated by dropping them from all their stores. And Oakley's stock price collapsed. And Look Sadaka swooped in and brought them out. Look Sadaka has so much power that when a company didn't play by their rules, they brought them to the brink of destruction then took over that company.
I've never felt bad for someone wearing Oakleys before. Oh, I still get plenty of action. Wow, I know you're not the bad guy, but you are real unlikable. Whatever tits. But I have to wear glasses. I don't have a choice. Good point.
For 75% of Americans, glasses are a medical necessity. Too bad Look Sadaka also owns the second largest eye insurance company in America. That means it's possible for your optometrist, your insurance company, the factory that makes your frames, and the store that sells them to you to all be owned by the same company.
So they can just rip us off? Everything is worth what people are ready to pay, huh? Okay, that's awfully cynical. Yeah, and it's also a real thing that their CEO said to 60 Minutes.
The fact is, most of these glasses could just be labeled Look Sadaka. But they're not. Because what Look Sadaka is really selling you is the illusion of choice.
Et tu, Pierre? I'm sorry, Adam. I'm not who you think I am. No!
So, what'd you think of my lesson? Pretty cool, huh?
New episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
cracked | the_hidden_danger_of_astronomy_no_one_talks_about | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in Remedial Advanced and two in just Science. Professor Bug recently received the Jeff Award for discovering the two best moons of Titan. Both are named after him, so Scott and Scott.
How do we know things? Well, for one, with the science process, which is just like guessing and thinking about stuff, but also by seeing. Now, how do we see?
Well, we see via glass in shapes and sizes, otherwise known as telescopes. Now, telescopes are a fascinating creature that we're just now really finding out about. One such telescope, the year is 1953, right? We're in Combe, Oklahoma, and the son of a dirt smith is building his very first telescope using only pieces from his mother's high-end telescope shop.
You know him as Jimbo Smarty-Pants Sr. Back then, everyone just called him Pants because of his, frankly, quite boring pants. Indescribably boring, actually. No, I'll give it a shot, okay? So, you know, let's, alright, so imagine just pants, right? Oh, you don't have to hear some. So, these, it's not like these. So, like, get rid of this stuff, and there's none of that.
So, okay, you know how pants flash forward 20 years, and boom! Fireworks! Somewhere, probably, people love fireworks. But elsewhere, Pants is building the world's largest telescope, the Gargantrus Scoposaurus Convex telescope to dawn. This is the infamous telescope that worked super good for like half a day, and then it fell over and crushed four city blocks for somehow only toddlers. But for that half a day, it saw some pretty freaky stuff that raised some pretty interesting questions, the answers to which are all nah. To the very small, everything is sizes. |
Wizards_with_Guns | joker_house | Is this thing on? People of Gotham, I've got someone here I think you're really gonna want to see. Let's see if we can make this little piggy squeal. Let's have a smile on that, let's have a smile. Let's put a smile on it.
And I thought my jokes were bad.
You want to know how Robin laid an egg? You want to know how my father got a scar? My father, my father, my father was my dad.
I'm gonna make this pencil out of wood. No, no, I'm serious, I'm serious. We are so funny, we should start a podcast. What's the big joke?
You want to know how the Batmobile lost a wheel? You want to know. You want to know who I got a scarf?
Godspeed, Spider-Man. What's the big joke, Spider-Man?
I'm an agent of Geico. You want to know who I main in Smash? Uh. I'm being serious. Stop, I'm being serious. Let's not blow up a bunch of grenades out of proportion. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You gotta pull it. You can't, you can't just, you can't.
Knock, knock.
It's locked, just say when. When. I said when, stop, stop. I stopped, hold on. You're still going. And now the trick continues.
I mean, you just can't tell a joke anymore. No, yeah, right. And everyone's just so sensitive, right? You can't even tell a joke anymore. That's, that's what I said. That's what I'm saying. Jamie, can you bring up a clip of that monkey with the gun? |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_departed | When I was your age, they would say we could become cops or criminals. When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?" The Departed Martin Scorsese's 2007 masterpiece about Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio hiding from each other is brimming with crazy trivia and wild Easter eggs that will blow your mind and change the way that you watch The Departed forever. Here's a cool behind-the-scenes fact. In the movie's opening flashback, the young version of Matt Damon's character was played by Martin Scorsese's grandson, and the young version of Jack Nicholson's character was portrayed by Jack Nicholson's grandson.
In this scene, Leonardo DiCaprio is yelling at this man using a wooden log. Ah yes, a wooden log. When it comes to doing a thing, there's nothing quite like a wooden log.
This scene had to be re-shot six times because Jack Nicholson kept ending every line with the phrase, "...and I'll do it all in my leopard-skin robe." Oh no no no, no please don't look at this, this is all wrong, no no no no. In order to make this death scene look real, Scorsese pumped 36 gallons of chicken blood into Martin Sheen's stomach with a bicycle pump and then threw him off a building. Immediately after this scene was shot, this rat was fed to the boa constrictor that would eventually crush Osama bin Laden to death in 2011. As with most Martin Scorsese movies, The Departed is filled with references and homages to earlier films, like this scene where Scorsese films two slackers loitering outside a store, which is a clear reference to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And this scene where Mr. French kills himself? You guessed it, a loving homage to the suicide scene in the classic animated film The Iron Giant. And of course, this scene in the car is a clear tribute to the famous Bohemian Rhapsody scene from the 1992 film Wayne's World.
This incredible nod to Star Wars is the best of them all. This is what happens when you get a complete cinephile like Martin Scorsese directing the movie. So there you go, just a few pieces of mind-blowing movie trivia about one of the best crime dramas ever. Like most Scorsese movies, The Departed rewards multiple viewings, so next time you watch it, keep your eyes peeled for even more secrets and Easter eggs. See you next time! |
cracked | winter_is_taking_forever_game_of_thrones_recap_episode_1 | Hey everyone. Thank you for joining us. I'm Dan. This is Cody. We're from Kraft.
We're gonna do a weekly recap show of Game of Thrones and we're gonna talk about the premiere. Do you see it? I did. Yeah, it felt like the whole episode was previously on Game of Thrones. Do you remember when Marcella died? Here is Jamie telling Cersei that that happened. Right. Do you remember when Daenerys got captured by the Throcking Horn? Here that is still happening.
Remember when Jon Snow died? Here's Jon Snow dead in the snow.
Yeah, they pick him up. They move him. They move him and the guy who killed him said, I killed him and I'm fine with it. And that one's like, all right.
So Sansa and Theon escaped. They did this big dramatic thing like we have to jump off the castle and then we have to walk in this frozen water. It sounds like I don't. It's too cold. Like you have to.
It's the only way to stop the dog. So they walk across the road and the dogs are like waiting for them on the other side. Right, it buys them a minute to hug. And then they're saved by Bran and Pod.
Yeah. And then she's like, I pledge my sword to you again. Clearly I've shown my worth. And like, why even wait for a response? Yeah. Yes, we're all in it together now.
Those dogs completely f***ed off by the way. The sound was dogs barking the entire time. That's what gave attention. And then the dogs showed up and they're still barking.
And then Bran and Pod showed up. And not only do the dogs not make an impact in that fight, these historically vicious dogs that tear people apart, they just saw Bran and they were like, oh, that's Valyrian steel. Holy s***. I'm going to sit. And they watched the fun fight. Oh, Pod's funny fight.
It's that time of the episode, everyone. It's the, it's the Dorn Corner. I don't think we need to rethink that name.
They killed Prince Duran. Obera took her tiny little knife and put it in Ario Hota's giant back and he died. It really seems like this is D.B. Weiss and David Benioff's way of being like, we f***ing hated Dorn and we only did it because George RR Martin made us. Because now that the shadow of Martin is gone, they wiped out everyone in Dorn. Prince Tristain is just f***ing painting eyeballs on rocks.
Not really sad. My betrothed is dead. And now I have to live in Smelly King's Landing. Oh, my sisters.
That's weird. Oh, they're here to kill me. All right. I'm going to pick the weaker one. That's also weird. And then turn my back on the stronger one. And that rounds out the Dorn Corner. So Jon Snow is dead, huh? I guess. They stabbed him a bunch and then they walked away.
What does anybody want to do with the body? Like they're making a, they're making a big thing over it. It's clearly going to become a plot point that Ser Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight, uh, Dolores Ed, and the other f***ing five f***ing nuts. They're going to guard the body from Alastair, Thorn, and the other baddies. Burn the body. Right. We should all want to burn the body because it's going to, otherwise it's going to come back and then you have an undead Jon Snow in a bad way.
Red Woman, that was one of the only things that was kind of new that happened in this episode, revealing that she's actually an old naked witch. Really rock bottom for her. She used to be like aid to the King, the future King that she saw in the flames. And then she's like, f***ing, I'm just like old and sad and tired and the wall sucks.
I really want all of the good knights watch guys to rally and go into room like, Melisandre, we need you. Oh, s***. Okay. Oh, you're doing a thing. We'll come back. You want to talk about Daenerys for a while? I guess, yeah.
So she's with the new, uh, Karl, Karl Moro. That whole scene felt like it was from Xena. That like, oh, is there anything better than seeing a naked woman for the first time? And the guy's like, ah, sack in a city, sandwiches. He like rolls his eyes and like seeing an naked woman is in the top five of things a person can do.
And they're like, yeah, that's fair. Like, really, really right. Especially to Thraki. Yeah. Doing bits. No, you don't do this. Yeah.
Even when they talked in season one, there wasn't anything flowery about it or anything clever about it. It was like, we don't even call the ocean. It's just like poison grass that horses can't drink.
Tyrion and Varys walking around and Varys is already getting birds. That was another like joke thing inserted into the show that he's like, I'd like to give you, uh, some money for the, for the, for the food, for the baby. And there's like, she thinks you're trying to eat her baby. Like walk a walk, a good joke.
And then somehow the entire fleet was on fire. Peter Dinklage practically directed cameras like, well, we won't be sailing to Westeros anytime soon. It was like, whoa, you, the show doesn't know what I want. It thinks I want to watch Arya get the shit kicked out of her.
And like, she's never had an easy life now. She's blind and like not even begging, just holding a bowl and being blind.
And then the wave shows up. There's like, you're still doing this right somehow. You guys know how the show works.
It's prediction time. And then the theme is, so what do you think is going to happen next? Paul Sutter's going to walk out and I was going to be like, oh, what? Do you have any predictions for Sansa and Theon?
No, but I'm looking forward to their adventures because now they're safe. Brienne has let a bunch of the people that she swore to protect are pretty dead.
I know.
But I look forward to seeing post-reak Theon a little bit because we haven't seen that yet. Yeah. We've just seen him be like, we've got to go. And then they jump. Got to go. I'd like to see him be not sad for a while. Yeah.
Because I've seen him be sad for so long. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for watching.
We want to make this review show kind of interactive. So today we've had predictions and the Dorne corner. Let us know in the comments, some other segments, other unplanned segments that you want us to do. It can be, I'd like you to talk about Dollar's Ed every week or just name a segment. Just say f***ing Drogon's Alley and we'll make that a segment.
The Marine things. Yeah. We'll check in with that. Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | black_history_month_saturday_night_live | Good evening.
I'm Tracy Morgan, and this is a great moment in Black history. Tracy Morgan was born in 1970 to his mother, Flossy Morgan, and one of these two fine gentlemen. as a child, growing up in the Brooklyn section of New York, Tracy Morgan dreamed of being an astronaut or the President of the United States. Unfortunately, as Tracy Morgan soon came to realize, he was Black. so instead, he sold t-shirts at Yankee Stadium. In the 80s, Tracy Morgan purchased an Adidas sweatsuit like the one-run Dmc War. he looked good, and he did quite well for himself, if you know what I mean. And in the Ronald Reagan 80s, with such Civil Rights role models as Bill Cosby and his white Tv family, Tracy Morgan was poised to become a great Black American, like George Washington Carver or all that other Guy. And Tracy Morgan did just that, didn't he?
Thank you, Tracy. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_new_king_of_kong | You're watching Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff, this is Pat, we are at Barcade in Brooklyn and today we are honored to be joined by Dr. Chen, currently the world record holder for high score in Donkey Kong. So let's run through your credentials briefly. You have a computer science degree from Harvard, a mathematics degree from Harvard. You are a doctor and you are the world champion of Donkey Kong. Correct. Which of those would you say is your greatest accomplishment? Well to the world, Donkey Kong, but to me probably the dual degree from Harvard.
To me it's a lesser known score I haven't seen in a few years. How did you come to start playing Donkey Kong seriously? Well I saw the film The King of Kong in 2008, shortly after it came out, and it sort of got me interested in Donkey Kong because I was like why are so many people interested in Donkey Kong, why do people care about this score so much, and before I saw the film I literally played I think one game of arcade Donkey Kong in my entire life.
You're terrible at Donkey Kong, run as fast as you can to the top, don't grab the bottleneck. It's amazing how difficult this game is and yet how popular it became, it's very hard to just sit down and run. I was like talking about it, no no no, you gotta get ready to run.
Ah! Oh wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait past it, wait, wait!
Nice. Get ready to jump. I'm so strong, I pressed 2 player in 7th job, such a rookie mistake. When I started seriously playing was probably November 2008 and I just kept getting better and better, and a year or three months later I had the world record, so, but my goal when I started playing was not to set a world record, I was just trying to kill time and have some fun.
What's going on here? You just get points for jumping in the next amount of time? Yeah, this is kind of a bug in the game. All right, camera's off, camera's off. Hold on, tell us about this.
The way the machine detects if you've jumped over an object is it looks at which way you choice it is pointed at the peak of your jump. And if it's in neutral, it'll only check directly under Mario for an object. If it's pointed in one direction, it checks the opposite direction to see if there's anything there. So you see I'm pointing to the right, so it's checking to the left, and that's how it's there. So it's thinking from jumping over an object.
And how did you figure this out by like? Oh, no, I learned. This is something I learned by talking to people on the internet.
People ask me if I have any pregame rituals, and I say the only one is going to the bathroom, because you never know when you're going to have a good game. Does your medical degree, do you think it helped you in a certain sense, achieve a high score? I don't know if it helped. I mean, I think my math, I have a math degree of science background, too. I think that helped a little bit, too, because it's kind of a similar way of thinking, like when you're calculating, especially like risk versus reward, especially when you're point pressing. Did you calculate spending the next year of my life setting a Donkey Kong score?
Can the game still surprise you? Definitely. I'm still encountering situations I've never even counted before, especially on the rivets. One time, Donkey Kong just climbed down and started pummeling down, which was crazy. I remember when I was a kid, and video games were kind of they would talk about how the one benefit that you could really hold on to as a nine-year-old was the hand-eye coordination.
They were talking about the doctors of tomorrow. Yeah, it would be incredible, because they played so much dumb.
It is actually true. There is a correlation between surgery skills and video game skills, and there's actually a few studies out on it. Actually, medical studies published in medical journals. The one we've been thinking about. Not Nintendo Power. No, these are actual medical journals, like surgery. Game Pro. I hope a lot of kids are going to see this video and show it to their parents to justify how much video games they're playing. Playing video games makes you a better doctor. There it is.
In fact, how long does a record-setting Donkey Kong take? Right now, the record is pushed up pretty high. I would say in the months, two and a half hours. Doesn't it seem like maybe Nintendo just didn't want you to be playing Donkey Kong for that long? You're making the matrix, like bending the rules of the system. This game definitely was not meant to be played the way it is played now. |
cracked | why_your_favorite_artist_doesn_t_want_to_meet_you_people_watching_6 | Every broken dream And every missing friend Every time it ends But you learn to love again Hey, I really loved your show Okay then Fucking bitch Um, hi, I really loved your show Okay, um Hi, I really loved your show, great stuff, eh? Awesome, thanks so much I play guitar myself actually, I keep one at the office It's just something I need in my life, you know I really like the fen-born cutaway you're playing, that's a nice looking guitar Just the action, like I've heard those can be kind of tough to get used to Yeah, thanks so much Alright, well, have yourself a good night Hi, we really loved your show Yeah, we drove up from Michigan for the show actually She saw on Facebook this morning that you were playing And then on Google Maps it was like we technically had enough time to get here So yeah, totally worth it though Over Roses is literally my favorite song Jumping up and down when you played like the first two notes Oh my god, it's just like such an honor to meet you Do you mind signing something for us? Thanks so much Okay, well, um, bye Yeah, awesome to meet you Hi, I really loved your show, do you have a second to talk? Hi, sorry, I was just saying I really loved your show It was just great My name's Martine Demetrius, I'm with Card House Records, it's a Warner label And I was just wondering what your plans are for your music I know you've got some stuff out with an indie right now I picked up the latest one at the merch table, it looks really great Anyway, I'm based here in town Do you think you'd be interested in having a conversation sometime? I love this design with the little vines and everything Thanks Okay, well, have a good night, I guess Hey, you were just on stage, I really loved your show Can I get you another drink? Thanks, awesome Hey, another one of these, and a brick word, thanks So, have you been playing for a long time?
Probably, right? I don't normally listen to a lot of music, but everything's good live, I find Yeah, for sure Cool, that's cool So, I don't know Do you know any fun things to do around here? I'm just in town for a trade show, and someone recommended this place But I don't really know the neighborhood here or anything Are you from around here? Yeah, for sure Okay, yeah, I figured I don't know, like, are you doing anything later after the show?
I could hang around, maybe Oh, maybe No, it's cool Sorry, my gator's kind of off right now Probably the jet lag It's a nice meeting, you know Good luck with your music and everything Hi, I really loved your show Can I just tell you you're literally my favorite artist? Thanks so much Yeah, it's like, some artists I love, but I don't care about seeing them live But then some, it's like practically a religious experience to see them play Like, even at home when I'm listening to your stuff, I have to run over to the computer Every few minutes to find live versions on YouTube Like, oh man, there's this video of front stairs from some radio station in Australia that you played at And it's embarrassing, but I swear to God I've watched it like 30 times Just like the little moment at the end when you kind of pause and open your eyes for a second Before saying the last line I mean, I guess it's projecting to assume you're caught up in the emotion of the song But still, it's just intense And then at the end, the host and the other girl are like visibly affected And it takes them a second to remember to clap And I swear, it gets me every time Like, I know the worst question ever is, how do you get your ideas? So I won't ask that, but like, where does that song come from? I don't know, it's just my favorite song, I guess I could really relate to the message and everything, and yeah Thanks so much Hey, I'm back Thanks again so much for coming out, you guys Let's have a big hand for Not My Dog Being the best damn venue in the city Some of you guys know this next song It's an oldie, but I still like it And I'm guessing y'all might as well I wrote this when I was 17, and all I wanted to be was a successful singer-songwriter It was the 90s, and I know, right? How many y'all were at Lily's Fair? Yeah, you were So yeah, I wrote this at my friend's cottage out at Moose Mountain Staring down at the station wagons, heading down the hill, past the old bait shop, and into town And as I was sitting there on the front stairs You do know this song So yeah, I'm sitting there, I could just see the lake over the trees And then the hills on the other side where we'd been hiking all that week I had these green shorts, and they were all covered in paint from helping fix up the cottage And the dog was there, sleeping next to me Probably more than a few drops of paint on him, too And everyone else was out back getting the barbecue go, and I can hear them all talking and laughing And they had this old guitar that was their grandma's And I couldn't help but grab it out of the corner five seconds after I got there and start messing around on it all day I could never sing in front of people But a sleeping dog, I could handle So I sat there on the porch, and I just started coming up with this song Just kind of out of nowhere, like the gods were handing me lines And I was just reading them off Four in the afternoon, sun still hanging around Perfect weather And I swear, I came up with the entire thing on the spot Just as you're going to hear it now That was kind of the first time I knew I could do this whole music thing Just sitting there, away from the party with the dog and a bunch of problems Singing about what could be Dreaming of finding that one place in the world where who I am would finally work And I'd maybe feel alive Finding your voice, I guess they call it Probably my favorite song I've written And you are my favorite audience Here we go One, two, one, two, three Wow, have you heard about this Twitter thing? It's really cool You can check us out at peoplewatch underscore And find out all kinds of cool stuff about people watching I'm the guy who plays Jeremy Yay, yay, yay |
TheOnion | Man_Keeps_Memory_Of_Dead_Teen_Alive_By_Making_Her_Center_Of_Elaborate_Political_Conspiracy_Theory | When I read about Britney dying, I thought it was horrible. Britney had a reputation for lighting up any room she walked into with her bubbly personality.
I knew someone had to keep the memory of her alive, so I decided to make her the center of an elaborate political conspiracy theory I made up out of thin air. The first thing I did was post her obituary in an alt-right subreddit, with just the comment, Her body was found right near the 3rd District Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia parking lot. Did she know something that the feds didn't want her to know?
The response was incredible. Within minutes, there was an outpouring of support for her. It was like she was still with us.
Crafting an elaborate hoax is draining, but I knew I had to be strong for Britney. Because this wasn't about me, it was about her. So I kept posting stories about Britney's family's ties to the DNC on countless nationalist websites and 4chan. I even created multiple Twitter accounts to get the word out to celebrities and news organizations that Davos got Britney. Before I knew it, people all over the country, complete strangers, were talking about Britney. And that's when I knew I had to make a whole website dedicated to keeping Britney's memory alive. I knew that all my efforts were worth it when I saw that the stories made their way to Britney's parents, too. I didn't know Britney, but at that moment, I felt like I really did.
I can't help but wonder what she might have gone on to do had she lived. Maybe she would have dismantled the globalist conspiracy to destroy the free market and create a new world order. Or exposed the international bureaucrats for letting terrorists move in next door to you under the false flag of diversity. But no matter what, I'm proud that Britney's story will live on in the baseless conspiracy theories now being pushed out across the alt-right forever. And who knows? It might even make someone take up the cause themselves one day. Sounds fishy.
Her body was found right near the Third District Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia parking lot. Did she know something that the feds didn't want her to know?
The response was incredible. Within minutes, there was an outpouring of support for her. It was like she was still with us.
Crafting an elaborate hoax is draining, but I knew I had to be strong for Britney. Because this wasn't about me, it was about her. So I kept posting stories about Britney's family's ties to the DNC on countless nationalist websites and 4chan. I even created multiple Twitter accounts to get the word out to celebrities and news organizations that Davos got Britney. Before I knew it, people all over the country, complete strangers, were talking about Britney. And that's when I knew I had to make a whole website dedicated to keeping Britney's memory alive. I knew that all my efforts were worth it when I saw that the stories made their way to Britney's parents, too. I didn't know Britney, but at that moment, I felt like I really did.
I can't help but wonder what she might have gone on to do had she lived. Maybe she would have dismantled the globalist conspiracy to destroy the free market and create a new world order. Or exposed the international bureaucrats for letting terrorists move in next door to you under the false flag of diversity. But no matter what, I'm proud that Britney's story will live on in the baseless conspiracy theories now being pushed out across the alt-right forever. And who knows? It might even make someone take up the cause themselves one day. |
dropout | all_nighter_beef_gurewitch_3_reckoning | Go Cheaters, it's all murder! I'm so tired I'm at the point where I'm saying things that don't make Amy smarts.
604 AM, the horizon's got a tentacle head poking out! And it's the sun.
Is that a fat bastard reference? I bet you guys are as hungy as a fungi. Luckily, I brought a big honking platter of my family's signature dish.
We've heard of beef gurwich, and we want no part of it. I know you've had your issues with beef gurwich in the past, so this year I brought an entirely different dish. Sheep gurwich! And this is just a normal dish, no backstory or anything. The story of sheep gurwich begins, like all stories, with the Big Bang, an annual bestiality orgy held in the late 1794s by the criminally insane farmer Fonbongo Gurwich.
Fonbongo was my great-grandfirter, an old man from the waist up and a hot dog from the waist down. Now, there were few animals that Fonbongo loved more than you.
Me? No, you, a sheep. A female sheep.
Ray, a drop of golden sun!
Every Big Bang, Fonbongo would make love to all 112 and a half sheep in his flock. After a tender lovemaking session during which its G-spot was repeatedly slammed, his favorite sheep realized it would never again experience such pleasure. The sheep became clinically depressed, grew opposable thumbs, and hanged itself. Fonbongo was devastated by the loss, and for two months he saved his tears in a jar of farts. Then he hired a tribal witch doctor from Passaic, New Jersey, to cut open the dead sheep, fill it with 20 baby sheep, and sew it back up. Now, the baby sheep moving around inside the dead sheep made it look so alive that Fonbongo had to make love to it again. But when he did, he realized that history repeated itself, and the baby sheep had hanged themselves with the dead sheep's internal organs. Are we on that Donald Faison prank show? The Gurwitch family saved Fonbongo's sheep in a sheep corpse in a burlap sack on the rooftop of the United Nations. And now, every 25 years, we remove one of the baby sheep, dunk it in fish oil, spray it with insecticide, blow a rape whistle in its ear, grind it to a viscous paste, and microwave it till it explodes.
And there you have it. Sheep Gurwitch. You know, that looks pretty good. Okay, honestly Dan, honestly, thank you. Oh, I forgot to mention the most important part of Sheep Gurwitch. Oh, what's that?
It's cooked by Beef Gurwitch. Beef! Beef Gurwitch has their patience for cowards.
Kaseya! What? What kind of person does this? Maybe a person named Fonbongo. |
cracked | famous_movie_lessons_that_make_zero_sense_yboc_godzilla_mcu | I'm super excited to let you guys know that once again, this episode is made possible thanks to NordVPN. And our promotion deal thing is going to run out in just a couple of weeks, meaning this is kind of your last chance to get 70% off a three-year plan plus one additional month for free when you go to nordvpn.com slash YVOC or use the code YVOC at checkout. With our code, it's like 3.49 per month. So get the deal now before it's too late.
Hey there, nerds. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and this is now a teaching hospital because it kind of fits with the theme of this episode and you're about to be a part of Your Brain on Crack, the show where I teach you how to be more annoying at parties and the only show on crack where actually mispronouncing names of words means you're super smart because it means you read more than you watch TVs. That's why it happens sometimes, okay? Anyway, today I'll help you to diagnose.
If Jern Work didn't properly explain why its main character shot 11,000 people in the head, Keanu Reeves would have come across like a sociopath, but we do have an explanation. Bad guys killed a puppy. So I'm completely on board with him murdering a small city. But sometimes a movie overly justifying his plot just makes him worse.
After destroying the planet for like the 40th time since 2008, Marvel screenwriters decided to address how Hulk's primary mode of transportation causes insane freaking collateral damage even when he's just making a quick Whole Foods run. So in Captain America Civil War, the UN tells the Avengers they can no longer be an independent entity. What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose, and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind? And while the obvious answer is billions of dollars of revenue by me, the Avengers are ultimately forced to grapple with the implications of their actions. Tony Stark agrees to subject the Avengers to international oversight, but Captain America believes this could hinder their ability to act swiftly and effectively in response to threats.
It's a serious and thought-provoking debate, which the movie just shacks out the window so all the life-sized action figures can go beat the shit out of each other at an airport. When Iron Man and Captain America do finally let their fists do the talking, they're really just mad at each other over the fate of Cap's friend Bucky and the role he played in the death of Stark's parents. Neither are truly worried about the effects of superheroes on the modern world. After they're done pounding each other into PG-13 pulp, they go their separate ways. Cap is a sexy outlaw, Stark is a sexy company man, and they're both seen as right in their own way. But the movie never answers Ross's question, though they do destroy a lot of public property pretending to debate it.
Oh, come on! Thought it was a water truck. Superheroes probably shouldn't be allowed to act with impunity because all of their self-created problems are racking up civilian deaths and destruction around the globe, and as Vision points out, the very existence of superheroes seems to create more supervillains. You're unbearably naive. I was born yesterday.
That serious answer doesn't allow for more globe smash in movies, so Civil War pretends both options are viable. And even though that'll likely result in law-abiding superheroes hunting down rogue superheroes, inevitably leading to misunderstandings, unnecessary civilian and superhero deaths, new supervillains, and likely the destruction of the entire planet, maybe in the next Avengers movie we'll learn that the whole series was just a dream happy hat after too many cheeseburgers. I'm gonna get you all the cheeseburgers you want.
The most difficult aspect of writing a heist film isn't constructing a cool and compelling plan or convincing the producers to let you shoot on location in a strip club, it's somehow making a group of burglars look good guys. So you want to make sure you always got more positive than negative. Criminals who exclusively steal from cancer patients might not come across as sympathetic, so screenwriters will go to often insane lengths to find somebody that is justifiable to rip off. Do you know what Nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.
In Ocean's Eleven, the true motivation behind the heist is getting Danny's ex back into his sensuous, big ol' Clooney arms. And technically she left him when he went to jail, but true love means never having to explain your criminal record. Danny makes Benedict agree to dub Julia Roberts in exchange for information on what happens who has recently stolen $160 million dollars, money that he needs to presumably among other things pay his employees. Unbeknownst to Benedict, Julia Roberts sees all this on camera and decides Benedict is a jerk because apparently wanting to shit ton of your own money back means that he deserved to be robbed in the first place. The heist elements of Inception also needed a sound reason for the ensuing dream rape. How does Christopher Nolan justify what appears to be an unspeakably immoral act, one that recently led to our hero's wife killing herself?
Why? By claiming that our heroes are using it to break up an energy-congloborate monopoly. Whoo! If this guy doesn't decide to divide his company, they'll become a new superpower and what is consent in the face of the free market?
If Inception really wanted to be morally pure, it would have been two hours of rigorously applying antitrust laws. The Fast and Furious movies stop every 12 minutes to explain that the federal agents are mean liars, and the only good people in the world are murderous criminals with a soft spot for a good corona light. Maybe movies should just admit that, similar to having sex in a public park, stealing is wrong, but it's a hell of a lot of fun to watch. We don't need more justification than that.
There have been roughly two Godzilla movies made for each of us alive today, but the 2014 American iteration sets out to decipher the portly lizard's intentions for the world. Sure, he may be a massive reptile who can breathe fire and accidentally topple skyscrapers every time he so much as sneezes, but maybe he's also a sweetheart. After about a week of watching monsters destroy cities from Honolulu to Las Vegas, Dr. Ichiro Sarazawa looks at all the burning rubble and thinks, hey, this Godzilla fella seems like a good dude who's trying to help us out. Sarazawa figures that the best course of action is to let Godzilla reach San Francisco so he can engage in fisticuffs with the two big-ass nuclear leviathans already nesting there. When Admiral Stens wonders if maybe we shouldn't let prehistoric monsters tear apart an entire city that already has a really high cost of living, Sarazawa responds, the arrogance of man is thinking that they control nature and not the other way around. Still skeptical about allowing three enormous beasts to destroy an entire city in the hopes that the winner is pro-America and loves apple pie, Stens suggests using nuclear force. Sarazawa counters by pulling out a watch that his father was wearing during the Hiroshima bombing. It no longer works, because nukes. And that's poignant, and I get it, but the idea that Godzilla should be allowed to destroy San Francisco since he looks like a good dude is a pretty big gamble. Even if Godzilla is trying to help out, he does so in the most destructive way freaking possible. Nobody is advocating San Francisco be nuked, but rather Godzilla should be stopped before he gets there. Maybe nukes aren't the solution, but it's flat out irresponsible to take a wait-and-see approach with rampaging city-leveling beasts. Also the movie can conclude Hiroshima was bad, so skyscraper-sized lizards, they might be okay.
You're lying. The Adjustment Bureau is a two-hour exploration of determinism, free will, and fedoras. All of human history is controlled by a secret administration, and humanity has no true free will because everything is planned by the mysterious chairman who is just literally God.
This doesn't sit well with Congressman Matt Damon, who discovers their secret plans and decides to defy the blueprint for his life. He doesn't have any profound moral or theological reasons for this, he just wants to hook up with a random woman he made out with in a bathroom once and know God is more powerful than Emily Blunt's plunging neckline. Using his stiff boner as a divining rod, Damon continually has run-ins with his one-time toilet fling, and together they managed to stay one step ahead of the chairman's way to invest in our sex life's angels.
And when the angels do finally catch up, the rapidly blue-balling Damon asks in frustration whatever happened to free will, and the response is we already tried that. Twice, in fact. The first attempt resulted in the Dark Ages, so the chairman resumed control and gave humanity the Renaissance, Enlightenment, and the Scientific Revolution. Believing humans had learned their lesson, the chairman took his hand off the wheel again, and what did we do?
Steered right into two world wars and genocide. After the Cuban Missile Crisis, the free will experiment was shut down, and making out with Emily Blunt was decreed to be against God's will because that's how you get Nazis, I guess. But stop and think about every horrible event in human history that didn't occur during the first half of the 20th century or the Dark Ages. The chairman was in charge during colonialism, slavery, the Civil War, Vietnam, 9-11, and countless other atrocities. How could, say, the Cambodian killing fields or the Bosnian genocide possibly fit into the plans of a secret society that is supposedly trying to lead humanity to enlightenment? This is one of the few stories that just would have made more sense if the evil guys were evil because, you know, they're evil.
Oh, come on. No.
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Well, thank you for that. Okay, so suggested that Godzilla exercise more, recommended Hulk use Postmates or something and blame God for every bad thing that's ever happened ever minus Nazis. That's on us. Anyway, I think that's all you need to remember for the test. Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some sweet, sweet Adderall to help you study and to reduce your distracting sex drive.
Look at you, Caleb. What? Look, man, you don't want to be a purple-ass, sweet-nosed little bitch boy with a fucking apple, teen and a finger and a do you know, subscribe. |
SaturdayNightLive | aidy_s_dream_snl | Hi, I'm Snl's Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan, or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet, nurturing women, but the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy. cheering and applause.
Oh, good God, I'm so nervous. I can't believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a loser and a fool. How do I look? you look fantastic, sir. I'm sure she'll be titillated. But you're right to be scared. she is the most widely desired woman in the world. Oh, I'm sick. I'm sick with feeling for this woman. it's her.
Pray for me, boys. I'll scram, boys, and leave this man to me.
My God, you are so beautiful and sexual, and I can tell by your personality is also very good. Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I'd have so many coins, it'd be annoying. No, sexual Woman, you make me so horny. I see why they call you the Sexual Woman. So, yeah, I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called the Sexual Woman.
Is that a crime? Oh, I am the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. mind if I get a little closer? Oh, sure. bring your head and body that look like that closer to mine, whatever, I don't care. I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don't see you as someone who would, like, run a school. I mean, you are the most under-35 person I've ever met. I'll stop it, you flirt.
Well, I bet you are about to do your big catchphrase. Oh, oh, right, yes. my famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch. Oh, oh, ok, yes. come on, come on.
I must confess, I have a big, cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.
Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason.
I mean, pretty random. every time I've done something romantic on the show, it's been totally random, like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh, my God. do I have a pattern of sexual randomness?
Well, whatever, you only live once. Now, back to the sketch. is the food all right? I hope you even like spaghetti. you're lucky that I do. Dammit, I'm in love with you and it's killing me. Yes, to me, this is normal behavior. I wrote a song for you, if that's ok.
Sexual woman, Are you from Paris to Baio Barcelona? No, I'm from Arizona. Sexual woman, I respect you so much, as is demonstrated by my insane boner. Oh, brother, a boner?
Well, let me guess, you want to kiss me now? Yes, I do, but not yet. you need time to digest all that spaghetti. for now, could we just hug? Yes, good idea.
I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later. what they say about you is true. you are everyone's cup of tea, including me, Oscar Isaac. Oh, I know Oscar Isaac. Sorry, I'm sorry, it says my real name on the cards. is that a mistake?
I don't know. the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess, just go with it. |
dropout | inside_nixon_s_oval_office_in_360 | I don't have a good feeling about this guy. I'm Richard Nixon. And I'm here to restore peace to the world. That doesn't sound so bad. And I'm Henry Kissinger, insouciant robot here to make peace. But what is peace, really? What is shopping model for power?
Ooh, that's good. I thought you'd like it. Like one of those motivational success posters. Yeah, we can hang that in the wall. Absolutely, yes.
Now, let's bomb Cambodia. We're not even at war with Cambodia.
No matter. And what are you doing? Nothing.
The supply routes in Cambodia to North Vietnam have been destroyed. Now, to negotiate peace. How many Cambodians died?
Who can say? Hundreds of thousands, maybe. I'm not a numbers guy. Point is, it's a small price to pay for peace. Am I right? Okay.
They have rejected peace. We have no choice now but utter destruction. No.
Hell no, we won't go.
What do I do with all these people demanding love and respect and peasants? Mr. President. Yes. Just spitballing here. Sure. Just came to me like a moment of inspiration. Let's hear it. Utter destruction. What? No. Kissinger. Jesus.
We can't just directly attack US civilians. Holy moly man, you are a buzzkill, you know that? Really, it's unpleasant. I mean, here's a crazy idea. I guess we could always start a war on drugs and begin harshly penalizing possession of marijuana.
Hippies love doobies. What are you doing? And heroin? Black people love heroin.
I think. And then that would kinda sorta make it legal to aggressively patrol and imprison both hippies and black people all in the name of their own protection. But I mean... I see no repercussions but my own immediate gain. Let's do it. Yes.
Ah, peace at last. Beautiful, suppressive peace.
And look, you won reelection in an unprecedented landslide. Everything's coming up Richard Milhouse Nixon. Sorry boss, we were caught snooping around the DNC headquarters at Watergate.
I don't... I don't know what you're talking about. I am not a crook. What?
You know, to gain intel for your reelection campaign. Hey, what's going on over there? Everyone, it's crazy. Look, over there. Look over there. Oh yeah, I know that ongoing Arab-Israeli fighting and our political involvement in it is the very foundation for which future terrorists and extremist regimes are based.
But could we get back to the Watergate thing? The what's Watergate? Watergate.
I'm really, really drawing a blank here. I don't... Oh really?
It's synonymous with scandal. Fun fact, it started all the future gates. Yeah, that's what it's based from.
I don't... I don't know. I don't...
Oh, weird. Never, never.
Sounds fun. It's not fun. Any toot.
I think it's gonna be the only thing people remember about you. There's nothing more to say.
They're on to us. Have the CIA block the investigation. Uh, I can hear you? No, no. It's our fault. We'll take the blame.
Yeah. You'll pardon us, right, Nixon? You're on your own. Are you kidding me? Fine, since I can't prove Nixon knew everything because I wasn't recording him just now. I'll take you two. Oh, just use his own recordings.
This guy's a paranoid maniac that records everything in the Oval Office. I'm Richard Nixon, and I am a croc.
You know they'll... impeach you, right? No. No, they can't impeach me!
I quit! Ha ha! You won't have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore! Find a new boogeyman!
You know, actually, Nixon said that in 1962, when he lost the California gubernatorial election. Probably should have just quit then. You know, instead of put recording devices all over the Oval Office. Or, bothering to cheat, in an election he was gonna win anyway. You know, without Watergate, Nixon would have been remembered as the man who ended the Vietnam War, opened up diplomatic relations with China, and created the Environmental Protection Agency. This video doesn't even include those last two bits because they're so irrelevant to his legacy. He sucked. His vice president has got to be better.
I'm Gerald Ford, and the first thing I'm gonna do is pardon Nixon for everything! There you go.
What? Hey, what about us? What about you?
You're on your own. Fucking vice presidents. |
dropout | Commercials_Have_a_Hidden_Agenda | Your show purports to critique advertising, but since it's on advertising-supported television, your audience can't watch it without sitting through the very thing you despise. Okay, sure, I do worry that's a little bit of a conflict sometimes, but come on, people don't pull out a credit card every time they see a commercial? Adam, Adam. The goal of advertising isn't to get you to buy something immediately, it's to slowly and subtly influence your association with the brand over time.
And they have all sorts of clever tricks to make that happen, like effective conditioning. That's when advertisers put their product next to something you already have positive feelings about, so you transfer those feelings to their product. Puppy dogs, babies laughing, that feeling right after you stretch. Hulko detergent, it's like all those other things. A jug of toxic chemicals is just like a puppy. Another trick is repetition. The more you see and hear something, the more you tend to like it.
Save 15% or more with Hulko car insurance. Hulko car insurance. Wow, everybody's talking about this car insurance.
And then there's priming. That's when ads show us a specific behavior in connection with the product in order to condition us to emulate it. You've got so many friends.
And when you're at the beach with all your friends, you drink Hulko beer. The beach means beer. Hulko beer. Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer. Hell yeah. Next time I'm at the beer, I'm going to drink some beach.
Wait, no, Adam, snap out of it. And ads work even better on kids. Research shows that children younger than eight don't know what a commercial is and often accept their claims as fact. You don't drink Hulko soda.
Your mommy and daddy will die. I'll save you, mommy. |
TheOnion | Facebook_HQ_On_Lockdown_After_Mark_Zuckerberg_s_Avatar_Breaks_Out_Of_Metaverse | Facebook headquarters is on lockdown after Mark Zuckerberg's avatar broke out of the metaverse. Employees were first ordered to shelter in place after the avatar materialized in a server room, let out a terrifying cackle, and immediately dismembered several engineers. The 3D avatar, which has green eyes, brown hair, and no legs, was last seen floating through the halls demanding people dance for him before snapping their necks and ripping them in half. According to employees, the only thing the avatar wants is to speak to Mark, and until he finds him, there will be, quote, no survivors.
2024 may already be heating up as Ron DeSantis just introduced a nation to his new son, Barron Trump. The Florida governor called the 16-year-old his, quote, pride and joy, and told reporters he'd be taking the teenager on a family road trip to rallies all around the state. The presidential hopeful then promised Barron that after a few more pictures with the nice photographers, they could go split a big bowl of ice cream with his daughter, Tiffany. What a lucky kid!
Researchers might have finally figured out what Big Ben is. Archaeologists now theorize that the enigmatic Big Ben may have originally been constructed to measure time. Evidence suggests that the primitive society known as England originally built it as an altar to their near-fanatical relationship to the idea of time and its passage. Of course, this is all still speculation, but it does appear that one is able to discern the current time of day by merely reading the position of the rods in relation to one another on the circular disc. As far as where the name Big Ben comes from, that's still a mystery. But historians speculate that it might have originally referred to some sort of all-powerful god of time.
Matt Damon has been forced to sell his kidneys after losing everything in a crypto pump-and-dump scheme. The actor reportedly lost everything after a friend's tip guaranteed that diarrhea queen was a surefire thing. And now just a week after trying to sell his own blood, the debt-ridden actor said he had to sell his kidneys, too, telling acquaintances that his loan shark was going to, quote, fucking kill him if he didn't pay back the millions he owes. The only consolation? Matt Damon's kidneys are now in the market for only $55,000 each, so you better buy him up quick. Good news. This guy is in a coma.
So you can direct all your angry internet comments to him and no one will see. You can say whatever you want, and he won't be offended. Go on and try it. Tell him how stupid he is. Say whatever terrible thing you want with complete impunity. Tell him he is worthless, and that he deserved whatever happened to him, and what you really think about women. Tell him why you are better than him. This is ultimately a much healthier place for you to vent these kinds of awful notions, so you don't have to feel guilty. Trust us, he can't read a thing. So leave all your hateful thoughts it in the comments. |
cracked | sacha_baron_cohen_was_an_early_viral_marketing_star | We're super good at it!
Sasha Baron Cohen was an early viral marketing star. Buddy Lee, an old advertising mascot for Lee Jeans, was resurrected by a Minneapolis ad agency in 1998 to help market Lee Dungarees as a durable alternative to Levi's art exhibition Sex Pants. Long before Da Ali G Show made its way to HBO in the US, the campaign published a series of unbranded websites highlighting three unusual personalities. A race car driver named Curry at rubberburner.com, a guy who loves to hit stuff named Roy at born2destroy.com, and Super Greg, a unibrowed DJ with questionable talent at SuperGreg.com. These authentic-looking web pages spread across the internet and reportedly received thousands and thousands of daily hits and were eventually revealed to be part of a commercial campaign, which positioned each of these characters as a villain against this weird little doll. Super Greg and the other ads ultimately helped Lee double their sales. And it wouldn't be the last time Sasha Baron Cohen fooled weirdos into focusing on their trousers. |
dropout | How_Much_Pokemon_Knowledge_Do_You_Have_ft_Sam_Bashor | From Kuja to Kujo, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us on today's episode, we have Sam Basher.
Hello, thank you for having me back. Thank you for coming back.
We also have Ryan Martin. Good night and good luck. Okay, and we have Teo Yang. Ahoy. Ahoy, ahoy. Well, three fantastic contestants. The two of you have played before.
Teo, you have not, but the rules are very simple, which I will explain for you and for any viewers at home who are joining us for the first time. These are false statements, incorrect statements, but the things that you know and love. It's up to all of you to find the thing that I've said that is incorrect, buzz in, and correct me. All your corrections must be preceded by the phrase, um, actually, and you can interrupt me at any point in the question. So just two rules, just that simple, but the questions, they're pretty hard.
Got it? Got it. Cool, love it.
Here's our first question, which is about Pokemon. The Pokemon anime has been on the air for more than 20 years now. In that time, its protagonist, Pokemon trainer, Ash Ketchum, has only won two Pokemon League championships. He's also never caught a legendary Pokemon. Teo. Um, actually, he has caught a legendary Pokemon.
You sound extremely sure of yourself. I feel very sure.
I think he caught one and then let it go or something. That is not what we're going for, no. Okay. Ryan.
Um, actually, Ash Ketchum has caught a legendary Pokemon and it's Pikachu. He's iconic, he's legendary. He's a legend. Absolute ledge, Pikachu.
No. Sam.
Um, actually, he, Ash specifically, has won every single one of his Pokemon League championships because he's supposed to be the best there ever was, per the theme song. Per the theme song. The theme song would lead you to believe that, but that is incorrect.
That blows. I'm gonna say, obviously, no one got this one. Ash has only won one Pokemon League championship. So it's not that he's won none, but it's just one in those 20 years of trying to be the very best like no one ever was. He kind of blows.
But to be fair, he's still 10. He's still 10. Yeah, he is 10. Maybe I'm like, canonically in universe, he is still 10.
Maybe I'm expecting too much from him. But also, literally anyone who's played Pokemon is probably a better trainer than Ash Ketchum is at this point.
Oh yeah, I've won eight, I'd say. I'd say I've won eight Pokemon League. Just eight. Yeah.
The millennia spanning conflict between Highlanders, known as the game, is governed by a set of rules. For example, Highlanders may not engage in combat on holy ground. This rule isn't limited to a specific religion, and over the course of the series, cathedrals, Buddhist shrines, Stonehenge, and even a Roman temple are referenced as holy ground.
Ryan. Um, actually. The plural of Highlanders is Highlander. I have no clue. Incorrect.
Actually, it's not called the game. It's called Duel of the Ancients. No, it is called the game.
Oh, wow, fun. I was gonna go with that one too. Sam. Actually, one exception being Stonehenge because of the recent, the first final battle, they were cooler there, for sure. The classic loophole. No. Any other guesses before I call it? I don't know anything about Highlanders. Clearly, I mean, that clearly seems to be the case, so we'll just be stopping around anyways. That's fine.
Hey, look, you know, I hadn't had any Highlander questions, so I wanna ask about Highlander. So what we're looking for here is um, actually, and Ryan, you were kind of starting to get close, but is that they are not called Highlanders. The Highlander is the one specific character, the protagonist, they're called Immortals.
It'd be like calling all Pokemon Pikachu's or something, you know, like- My grandma did do that. Which, yeah, people do do. All game systems are Nintendos. No, they're all Nintendos, exactly, yeah. But yeah, but all the rest is true.
It's like, yeah, we've got a competition going on where we're just gonna fucking murder each other until there's only one of us left, but let's respect world religions, okay? Be open to other cultures, and let's not be rude, okay? I wonder what the limit is, and if like, you know, Pastafarianism is a religion, can you not fight where those two are mean? Yeah, there's some like super pedantic, like Immortals, just like, it's like, well, you know, there's actually a small sect, it's not a mainstream religion, but it's a small cult, and they actually live right here at this house, so- We can't fight here. I'm actually founding my own religion, and- You can't fight at the Olive Garden, you can't fight at Fazoli.
Yeah, nope. Well, no points for that one either.
Here's a video game question. Rather than using a traditional Belmont Clan vampire hunter, Castlevania Symphony of the Night has players assume the role of Alucard, a half vampire seeking to destroy his father, Dracula. However, on first play through, the game's final boss is the Dark Priest, Shaft. To finally confront Dracula, the player must beat the game and then start a new game plus, which is the same game, but with harder enemies and new secrets. Actually, new game plus is not harder, you just have all of your, you start it with all your weapons from the previous game. Incorrect. I'm actually, I'd say, first play through, you are able to unlock Dracula as a final boss. It doesn't have to be played through all the way from the beginning again. You're wording of that, I don't think it's what you intended, but it's technically true, so I'm going to allow it. What we said, it is true that on first play through, the final boss you encounter is Shaft, but then what happens after you defeat him is the whole game turns upside down and you have to play backwards through the game that you just played, but now upside down.
And then once you get back to the beginning, then you face Dracula. Is that like the basic reason why like Dracula backwards is Alucard? Yes, it is because you play Alucard who is Dracula backwards.
Well, point for Sam on that one or for wiggling his way into this. And this is a fan submitted question. So this question comes to us from a fan sent in this question with the express purpose of trying to stump the three of you.
From Justin Burrow, AKA Jables Wables. Everyone needs a best friend. Superman famously had Krypto the super dog as his animal counterpart and Batman had a long list of pets, including Ace the bat hound, Mogo the bat ape, the bat mite, and bat cow, AKA the battling bovine.
That's never gonna happen again.
Do you know anything more about bat mite? It's a fifth dimensional imp, kind of like Mr. Mixy spit like in the comics where it's just there to, he's Batman's number one fan from the fifth dimension. This is the heavy drug age of writing comics. He's like a little fairy that dresses up like Batman and happens to know everything about Batman and just kind of messes with him. He's like the world's worst fan, the most obsessive fan. And very funny to me, just like, it's like, yeah, bat mite. Do you know anything more about bat mites?
It's like, yeah, you know, he's a fifth dimensional imp. You know all those fifth dimensional imps. Just one of your run of the mill things. Well, that is a point for Sam for recognizing bat mite as the fifth dimensional imp that he is.
And this will bring us to our first shiny question of the game. All right, this is a game called Order Up. You have a selection of robots on the other side of this board. I would like you to please arrange them from smallest robot to largest robot. Okay, go ahead and flip those over. Let's take a look at those bots. Great, so Sam, let's take a look at what you've got and just run us quickly through that order that you think you got here. All right, so we start out with smallest.
Microbot, metal Sonic, because I feel like Sonic's like four feet. Johnny Five, he felt like an even five seven, something like that. TARS, I felt like McConaughey was like looking at the console eye level.
Anyways, after that, it's pretty easy. Iron Giant, I'm not familiar with this gentleman. And then a Unicron, I feel like, is the largest of these gentlemen on here. Very good. Ryan, let's see what you got. So I really don't forget about this, but we've got metal Sonic and then Johnny Five. Okay. And then I've also got TARS. Unicron, I thought it said unicorn. The other person that I don't know, the Iron Giant. And I feel like Microbot was a troll and so I made it the biggest one on a whim. Very good. And Teo, let's see what you got. All right, I think this was a trap and I fell for it because I feel like Microbot's probably big. Okay. But I put them there anyways. And then same thing, like metal Sonic is like tiny, I'm imagining based off the game and it's not that big on my TV. Johnny Five could be gigantic, but just based off this photo, he looks kind of small. TARS is like a human, it's like a human size. This is a Transformer, I think. I have no idea what this is, but I just love the Iron Giant the most. So I put them as the biggest. The power of love will bring them up. Okay, great.
Ryan, you got none of these correct. Teo, you got four correct. And Sammy, you got five correct. So let's go ahead and take a look at what the answer should be and where we're at. It was a double trap.
Microbot is just in fact a tiny bot that's from Big Hero 6. Microbot, metal Sonic, Johnny Five.
TARS is about six feet tall. And then the end is where people tend to get tripped up, but the Iron Giant is about 50 feet tall. Unicron is larger than a planet and Tengen Tapagurin login is over 10 million light years large, so easily the largest robot on here. That is our order. So when Tengen touches its toes or something, it's going through 10 million light years to touch its toes.
It takes a long time to touch his toes. It takes a long time to do anything. It's really a drag.
And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp, reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone. Kill them, kill them.
We are going to show you an image, some iconic image, but we've taken that image and we have pixelated it all to hell. There's five levels of pixelation and you can only guess once what you think it is to identify it. |
TheOnion | Who_s_Fucking_Josh_and_Debra | Well, we met about two months ago at my friend Marsha's 31st birthday dinner, and I immediately noticed Josh. Yeah, I can be a little shy sometimes, but I said to myself, you better go up and introduce yourself because if you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. We started talking, and well, here we are, now we're fucking. My parents were thrilled when I told them I was finally fucking Josh. He had been eating my pussy for so long, I began to wonder if he was ever going to actually take out his dick and stuff my hole. Debra's not my typical fuck, and my friends were a little bit skeptical, but they're coming around. They're starting to see that this is the woman that I want to empty my balls in for the rest of my life. I actually still remember exactly where we were when we first fucked. It was right over there. Josh was behind me, and my face was pressed up against the glass the whole time. I was giving her this tremendous pounding, just really deep in there, and that's when I realized at that moment that fuck like this comes around only once, so I better not blow it. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
Of course. Fill me with your cock. Fuck my mouth, daddy. God damn it. Go deeper. Oh, fuck. Keep fucking your little pump station.
Come on back.
I spent so much time looking for a woman that I could plow so hard that she'd walk funny for two days straight, and I'm just really glad that I never gave up. No one should. I mean, the fucking you're waiting for is out there. That was for me. |
cracked | how_the_new_call_of_duty_can_save_the_franchise | So what's this one, a new Halo? You literally asked me that exact question last time, and now it's Call of Duty. Much more realistic than- You know what, yeah, it's Halo, I really don't care anymore.
Man, you're kickin' ass! Just like a tutorialist or something? No. Actually, I think it's one of the last levels- Seriously, how are you killing so many people right now? With robot spiders that explode in your goddamn face! Woah, that's awesome! This is way better than those earlier Call of Duty's about the horror and futility of actual war and all that learning and crap, empathizing with those caught in the middle of global conflicts? Yuck. Alright, if you can let go of any kind of grip on the history of this franchise, or, you know, history, yeah, I guess it's pretty fun. It's like war was hell, but now thankfully it's the future, and we have jetpacks and magic grenades, so war is a freakin' cake party. Oh snap, watch out for the spider butts! Nah, it's fine. I have super cyborg reflexes or some shit, see how slow they go? So you're like, immortal? Kinda.
I have all these future gadgets and gun loadouts at my disposal that pretty much kill anything automatically and with minimal effort. Now I'm remotely hacking an enemy robot in the next room, and using it to assassinate the boss of the game! This is the boss fight? You're owning that guy.
Yup. Wait, is that Jon Snow? More like Jon Schmo! Seriously, is that kid Harrington? More like split-skillington! I'm sorry, yes. Yeah. It's kid Harrington.
So your guy is so powerful that he's impervious to war? Where's the challenge in that? There isn't one.
I mean, it's mostly just violent meditation at this point, although in a way, I guess that is a solid commentary on modern warfare. Punching buttons, you know, from the safety of my couch. Watching my drones do the dirty.
Totally unintended, I'm sure. So are you playing the bad guys? Jon Snow must be good, right? No, no, he's the big baddie.
My side's the United Nations Space Alliance, around the galaxy. Oh, so I guess it actually makes sense that we would have the resources to quell any rebellion. Your side runs the galaxy? Yeah, well, we're trying. I mean, what happened was, see, a small group of rebels started waging war against our mining colonies. Now I'm flying my warship, playing at the planet, snuffing out the resistance. Okay, so you're the evil empire from Star Wars. What?
No, no, no, these assholes were going to blow up Geneva. I had to stop them. Yeah, but terrorist tactics are not.
Your side has all the resources and power, and uses it to fly around, easily stifling any attempt by the poor to unionize or rise up. I mean, this series has gone from you fighting Hitler, to you literally upholding the power structure of a galaxy-spanning republic that apparently treats its miners like shit. I think you're missing some nuances of the story. Are you controlling a Death Star right now? It's not a Death Star.
It is a ship that fires high-energy particle beams that incinerate anything in their path. This is mass genocide.
There are families on those ships. No, there's not. You don't bring your kids to space. I mean, yes, actually, now that I think about it, you do see a baby crib at a fueling station on an early mission, but that's just creepy atmosphere. I mean, come on, there's probably no kids on these ships.
These are fighter jets.
Will you stop looking at me? I don't need this, okay? I don't need your silent judgment from this side of the couch.
Well, I'm over here trying to hold together the very social fabric that keeps the galaxy from... Oh! Oh, God! Damn, Rebel scum! I must not be allowed to escape!
Take it away. Take it away from me.
Thank you. Yeah! You did it. I didn't say you could play. Shut up! All right. Hey, guys! Thanks for watching yet another escort mission. I'm giving you some over-the-shoulder advice in my classic segment, Over the Shoulder, where we tell you to click the big ol' C in the middle of this video to subscribe to the crack channel, and click that bell below for notifications whenever we post a new video. Oh, yeah. Oh, you had it.
So, what's this one, a new Halo? You literally asked me that exact question last time, and now it's Call of Duty, much more realistic than... You know what? Yeah, it's Halo.
I really don't care anymore.
Man, you're kickin' ass! Is this like a tutorial mission or something? No. Actually, I think it's one of the last levels. Seriously, how are you killing so many people right now? With robot spiders that explode in your goddamn face! Oh, that's awesome! This is way better than those earlier Call of Duty's about the horror and futility of actual war and all that learning and crap, empathizing with those caught in the middle of global conflicts.
Yeah, I guess it's pretty fun. It's like war was hell, but now, thankfully, it's the future. We have jetpacks and magic grenades, so war is a freakin' cake party. Oh, snap! Watch out for the spider-bots! Nah, it's fine. I have super cyborg reflexes or some shit, seeing how slow they go. So you're, like, immortal? Kinda. I have all these future gadgets and gun loadouts at my disposal that pretty much kill anything automatically, and with minimal effort.
Now I'm remotely hacking an enemy robot in the next room, oh! And using it to assassinate the boss of the game! This is the boss fight? You're owning that guy.
So your guy is so powerful that he's impervious to war? Where's the challenge in that? There isn't one. I mean, it's mostly just violent meditation at this point, although in a way, I guess that is a solid commentary on modern warfare. Punching buttons, you know, from the safety of my couch, watching my drones do the dirty.
Totally unintended, I'm sure. So are you playing the bad guys? Jon Snow must be good, right? No. No, he's the big baddie.
My side's the United Nations Space Alliance around the galaxy. Oh, so I guess it actually makes sense that we would have the resources to quell any rebellion. Your side runs the galaxy. Yeah, well, we're trying. I mean, what happened was, see, a small group of rebels started waging war against our mining colonies. Now, I'm flying my warship, playing at the planet, snuffing out the resistance. Okay, so you're the evil empire from Star Wars.
What? No! No, no!
These assholes were gonna blow up Geneva! I had to stop them! Yeah, but terrorist tactics or not, your side has all the resources and power, and uses it to fly around, easily stifling any attempt by the poor to unionize or rise up.
I mean, this series has gone from you fighting Hitler to you literally upholding the power structure of a galaxy-spanning republic that apparently treats its miners like shit. I think you're missing some nuances of the story. Are you controlling a Death Star right now? It's not a Death Star.
It is a ship that fires high-energy particle beams that incinerate anything in their path. This is mass genocide.
There are families on those ships. No, there's not. You don't bring your kids to space. I mean, yes, actually, now that I think about it, you do see a baby crib at a fueling station in an early mission, but that's just creepy atmosphere. I mean, come on, there's probably no kids on these ships.
These are fighter jets.
Will you stop looking at me? I don't need this, okay? I don't need your silent judgment from this side of the couch.
Well, I'm over here trying to hold together the very social fabric that keeps the galaxy from... Oh! Oh, God! Damn, Rebel scum! I must not be allowed to escape!
Take it away. Take it away from me.
Thank you. Yeah. You did it. I didn't say you could play. Shut up! All right. Hey, guys, thanks for watching yet another escort mission. I'm giving you some over-the-shoulder advice in my classic segment, Over the Shoulder, where we tell you to click the big old C in the middle of this video to subscribe to the crack channel, and click that bell below for notifications whenever we post a new video. Oh, you had it. |
dropout | i_got_no_sleep_last_night | Okay, so we push our fingers really carefully together, and then just kidding now! We don't play by your rules, motherfucker. Hey, guys. You okay, Zach?
You look a little tired. I am. I got no sleep last night. Sorry? Thank you. I mean, it's like I'm going to need this whole pot to get through the day.
We can't listen to you tell a story about how you didn't get any sleep. You don't deserve anything for that. It's like the most boring conversation imaginable.
No, but listen, okay? I'm starting my bedtime routine, nothing crazy, brushing my teeth, et cetera, and I get into bed, and it's just before midnight, and I cannot get comfortable. That's enough! I don't know what it is.
You don't shut up. I'm going to beat your ass.
The thing is, it's not like cramps or muscle stuff. It's just uncomfortable. Does that make any sense?
That's it! Eventually, I'm like, okay. Let's just try the right side. And as I'm finally relaxing, boom.
Text message. I forgot to put my phone on. Do not disturb.
It's a group thread. It's like people trying to hang out on a Wednesday night. Sorry, guys, you know.
I have a day job. You know, a lot of people don't get a full night's sleep, sir. They just fucking do it now. And the worst part is, when I saw my phone, I see what time it is. It's 12.45. I'm full of dread at this point. I get up and I get a warm glass of milk. The melatonin.
I say, Zach? Oh, this is yours, by the way. I say, Zach?
Just chill. You know, sleep will come to you. Everyone! Zach's recounting how he didn't get enough sleep last night. So I'm back in bed. I put on bones to show that I have zero investment in. And, you know, I'm almost sure it'll put me to sleep. Get him!
Something's going on with this episode, you know? It feels like these characters are popping, you know? It's like, if CSI were a little more charming and a little more fun, does that make any sense? Two hours in, I'm like, Zach, what are you doing?
You've got to be up in like four hours. And at that point, I'm up. Jeez. Wish I could sleep at work.
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
dropout | How_SWAT_Teams_Can_Make_Us_Less_Safe | For the past 30 years, there's been a deliberate effort to increasingly militarize our police forces. Since the 1980s, the US government has encouraged police departments across the country to behave more like military units than local PD. It started with the war on drugs when they began giving out extra cash to police precincts that agreed to crack down on drug crimes. I want you to help wage a discriminatory, ineffective drug war.
Eh. There's free money in it. And in the 90s, they started handing out more than just cash. They also gave away used military equipment. Say hello to my little friends.
At the height of these programs post 9-11, police precincts were receiving billions of dollars worth of military-grade equipment, including grenade launchers, helicopters, and mine-resistant vehicles. Mine-resistant vehicles? Since when are cops getting blown up by land mines?
Yeah, they're not. But that hasn't stopped the government from dishing them out to precincts like candy.
Today, 90% of American towns with populations of 50,000 or more have fully militarized SWAT teams. And to justify their existence, we are using SWAT more than ever. We got all this money and equipment to go after drugs, so user to loser, right? Before the 1980s, there were only 3,000 SWAT deployments a year. But by 2014, some estimates say there were as many as 80,000. |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Tiny_Dog_Has_Been_Barking_Nonstop_For_6_Years | And in Rapid City, South Dakota, a West Highland Terrier has been barking continuously for six straight years today. The small dog, named Taffy, was purchased by area electrician David Richards as a present for his daughter's eighth birthday. They just turned 14, so that would be six years. She barked the whole first week, and then that turned into a few months, and she's still barking. She's a super family pet. Neighbors confirm the dog's excitable nature. She talks all the time. She's got a lot. She barks, barks, barks. David Richards said the family has never considered giving the dog away.
I mean, we couldn't. You know, Brittany would put a big stink. I mean, in the end, Taffy is... she is... I'd like to kill it.
This marks the longest time a dog has barked continuously in Rapid City history, surpassing the previous record of eight minutes. And in science news today, 78 percent of Americans are totally rude. Finds a new report from the National Institute of Tiffany McCloskey. |
cracked | 4_real_star_wars_plots_too_hot_for_disney_canonball | If Mickey Mouse gets his way, Disney will be uploading Star Wars movies directly into our brain chips until the sun burns out and we all have to move to a galaxy far, far away. This puts enormous pressure on the suits at Disney to come up with endless stories about spaceships that go pew pew! Emperor Palpatine's hyperspace, Oobla! Fortunately, the infinite well of madness that is Legends has thousands of plots they could re-elevate to canonical status to keep the cosmic mouse machine churning. We've already seen it happen with the mention of Admiral Thrawn and the Mandalorian, but we're not interested in the safe stuff like Thrawn or Marajade or even Diane Carroll's iconic VR can girl from the holiday special. We are excited, aren't we? This is a show that dives right into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Walt Disney's Frozen Corpse wishes he could just keep sealed away in that vault of his.
Whish!
We're talking Luke seducing his dead apprentice's corpse, Leia trying to keep puberty at bay through the power of dance, and Jedi Masters named after sex stuff. This is cannonball. Number 4. Luke Skywalker romances two dead girls at the same time.
The 1995 novel Children of the Jedi takes place a few years after the Battle of Endor. Luke and his newly minted padawan, Kray Mingla, are drawn by the force to an asteroid field above the forest planet Zob. It's in the K-749 system, kinda near Tatooine, populated mainly with Gamorreans, which are all details we hope justify the work that went into the planet's exhaustively complete Wikipedia entry. Also, here are two Gamorreans from Zob in a healthy monogamous relationship. While in said asteroid field, Luke and Kray stumble upon this gigantic space kidney stone, which is actually the remains of the Emperor's capital ship, the Eye of Palpatine. Upon trespassing, they find the ship's AI scheming to reboot its systems and blow up a planet that Han and Leia are currently gallivanting across.
Oh, and they find a ghost. A space ghost. The ship is being haunted by a Jedi named Kalista Ming, who, according to Wikipedia, is 1.7 meters tall and dead.
And hot. Kalista helps Luke and Kray fight the ship's malignant AI, and while they ultimately win, there are two very important developments. Luke and Kalista fall in love, but Kray dies. It's a hard day for Luke.
Hold on, you don't think Luke would ask his ghost girlfriend to...no...no...oh, come on, Luke. No, he doesn't.
Well, let's see a little smile. He lets his dead girlfriend drive his apprentice's dead body, and she is immediately good to go. Kray's dead parts at Luke repeatedly and even surprises him by putting lingerie on her borrowed meat puppet on their second anniversary. That's the cotton anniversary, not the necrophilia anniversary.
They always stop just short of fully switching off the targeting computer, but they don't ever really explain why.
Maybe Luke wouldn't have sex with her because of the Jedi Code, or maybe it was simply because she was two different dead girls. Number three. Space bestiality causes skin rashes. Wedge Antilles, who any good nerd knows as the guy who blew up two Death Stars, said this about his fellow X-Wing pilot.
Corin Horn was not a man who gave up, no matter what the odds. Here he is not giving up on layering and volumizing his luscious locks even as the world burns around him. Corin's dogged determination was evident in everything he did from winning space dog fights against overwhelming odds to dogging alien babes with overwhelming body hair. Speaking more to the latter, in 1996's X-Wing Wedges Gamble, Corin meets a Selonian named Sheryl Rulowar. She was covered in shimmering fur and had a life body that Corin called, quote, definitely humanoid.
But despite their chemistry, indeed because of chemistry, Corin and Sheryl were savagely allergic to each other. Corin's sweat, like his own resolve, was so acidic it broke through the waxy surface of Sheryl's space otter fur and irritated her skin. Likewise, Corin found that while all that fur felt nice against his BB-8s, it led to a sunburn-like rash across his entire body. The two never got past how they each secreted nothing but skin irritants from their pores and or fur. And Corin had no desire to move to her planet and breed some freakish slippery centaurs in a constant state of howling itchiness, so like every pair of star-crossed lovers who found their genitals caused mutual physical harm, they broke up. But, Star Wars fans, it wasn't the last time a hotshot pilot would have sexy adventures with a human-sized otter.
I'm itchy. I know. Number 2.
Princess Leia's puberty-defying stage show. In the 1983 comic, Shantus of the Stars, a telepathic rabbit creature named Pliff once helped Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia infiltrate a political summit at a nightclub. According to Wikipedia, Pliff is 0.4 meters tall and was accidentally offered sex by a pink woman when her dialogue in the comic was poorly translated into Danish. That is not a joke.
Luke overhears plans for an assassination attempt on one of the governors in attendance. Working quickly to thwart the plan, Luke and Pliff head to one of the entertainment rooms to warn the governor before he drinks some poisoned soup.
Along the way, they are repeatedly harassed by alien women who are just too attracted to them, Pliff included. Back in the main bar, the crowd is packed with an adorable, Furby-looking race of aliens called Lazbees. Lazbees get decidedly uncute when they hit puberty. They suddenly transform into gigantic wild monsters known as Hulks, which you may recognize as Hulk with a typo.
This is going to be a bloodbath. Princess Leia knows she has to do something, so she hatches a desperate two-part plan. The first part is T and the second part is A. That's right, Leia takes off her clothes, gets on stage, and starts cooing at them.
In an attempt to de-escalate puberty, by far the dumbest part is that it actually works. For a minute. The adorable Lazbees hum along with her sweet song, all except one who begins to choke and contort. Luke Skywalker's heightened warrior instincts are the fourth to sense that something's wrong. And he screams the words you never want to hear about a puberty space monster. I think he was overstimulated. Wait a minute, a woeful misunderstanding of puberty. Ewoks and Hulks carelessly smash together. Assuming that your problems can all be solved by looking at a naked lady, the Star Wars Expanded Universe was written by nine-year-olds. It explains everything.
Number one, the tragedy of Master Bates and other poorly named Star Wars Legends. Now, if we really want proof that the entirety of Star Wars Legends was written by fourth graders, we need look no further than the tragedy of Master Bates the Chaste. See, Jedi Master Soon Bates was created by writer and alleged nine-year-old Randy Stradley. According to the prodigy manchild himself, Stradley was pissed that his editor, Sue Rostoni would just kind of reflexively award the title Master to any old character. So Stradley named a character Master Bates in order to prove how foolish Rostoni had been. Surely she'd see the error of her ways and admit that he'd been right all along and nope, none of that happened. Because someone else was editing that particular story. Master Bates made it all the way to publication. Bates even had a few adventures along the way until he was, uh, finished off by General Grievous. But Master Bates isn't the only centrally named Star Wars character from Legends.
There's also the Tusken Raider fighter from that Star Wars Masters of Terras Casi game named KORR, or Orr vs. Fuck, for short, you win. Which is fairly low-key, but also maybe just make his nickname just to be safe. Then there's Kit Fisto, who is actually a pretty big character. And we mean that in the story sense. And of course there's Mama the Hutt. I got trouble for you two, Mr. Fancy Pants. Which strongly implies the existence of Daddy the Hutt. And if we're nominating people, this guy Zero probably qualifies as the daddiest and probably most offensive of all the huts.
I like the sound of that. And finally, Droopy McCool's name is mostly just a stupid, sad name for a stupid, sad space mushroom. But the music genre he's an expert in is quite sexy indeed. Yep, we're talking about Jizz, again. Because according to George Lucas, if you jazz in space, you're actually jizzing in space.
Okay, we need to wrap this up. Everybody, back in the Disney vault, get in there, Fisto. Hey, that means you, horny space ghost. Wait, not you, sexy space otter. You can stay. The research. Hey, I'm glad you're here, actually.
If you liked today's episode, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell. If you know of any other Star Wars legend stories you think deserve to make the list, let us know in the comments. And if you didn't like today's episode, I want you to write your criticisms on a little piece of paper and then crumple it up and throw it out.
It dives right into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Walt Disney's frozen corpse wishes he could just keep sealed away in that vault of his. We're talking Luke seducing his dead apprentice's corpse, Leia trying to keep puberty at bay through the power of dance, and Jedi masters named after sex stuff. This is cannonball. Number four, Luke Skywalker romances two dead girls at the same time.
The 1995 novel Children of the Jedi takes place a few years after the Battle of Endor. Luke and his newly minted padawan, Kray Mingla, are drawn by the force to an asteroid field above the forest planet Zob. It's in the K-749 system, kind of near Tatooine, populated mainly with Gamorraeans, which are all details we hope justify the work that went into the planet's exhaustively complete Wikipedia entry. Also, here are two Gamorraeans from Zob in a healthy monogamous relationship. While in said asteroid field, Luke and Kray stumble upon this gigantic space kidney stone, which is actually the remains of the Emperor's capital ship, the Eye of Palpatine. Upon trespassing, they find the ship's AI scheming to reboot its systems and blow up a planet that Han and Leia are currently gallivanting across.
Oh, and they find a ghost. A space ghost. The ship is being haunted by a Jedi named Kalista Ming, who, according to Wikipedia, is 1.7 meters tall and dead.
And hot. Kalista helps Luke and Kray fight the ship's malignant AI, and while they ultimately win, there are two very important developments. Luke and Kalista fall in love, but Kray dies. It's a hard day for Luke.
Hold on, you don't think Luke would ask his ghost girlfriend to... No. Oh, come on, Luke. No, he doesn't.
Well, let's see a little smile. He lets his dead girlfriend drive his apprentice's dead body, and she is immediately good to go.
She throws her undead parts at Luke repeatedly, and even surprises him by putting lingerie on her borrowed meat puppet on their second anniversary. That's the cotton anniversary, not the necrophilia anniversary. They always stop just sort of fully switching off the targeting computer, but they don't ever really explain why. Maybe Luke wouldn't have sex with her because of the Jedi Code, or maybe it was simply because she was two different dead girls. Number three. Space bestiality causes skin rashes.
Wedge Antilles, who any good nerd knows as the guy who blew up two Death Stars, said this about his fellow X-Wing pilot. Corin Horn was not a man who gave up, no matter what the odds. Here he is not giving up on layering and volumizing his luscious locks even as the world burns around him. Corin's dogged determination was evident in everything he did from winning space dog fights against overwhelming odds to dogging alien babes with overwhelming body hair. Speaking more to the latter, in 1996's X-Wing Wedges Gamble, Corin meets a Salonia named Shurtle Rulawar. She was covered in shimmering fur and had a life body that Corin called, quote, definitely humanoid.
But despite their chemistry, indeed because of chemistry, Corin and Shurtle were savagely allergic to each other. Corin's sweat, like his own resolve, was so acidic it broke through the waxy surface of Shurtle's space otter fur and irritated her skin. Likewise, Corin found that while all that fur felt nice against his BB-8s, it led to a sunburn-like rash across his entire body. The two never got past how they each secreted nothing but skin irritants from their pores and or fur. And Corin had no desire to move to her planet and breed some freakish slippery centaurs in a constant state of howling itchiness. So like every pair of star-crossed lovers who found their genitals caused mutual physical harm, they broke up. But Star Wars fans, it wasn't the last time a hotshot pilot would have sexy adventures with a human-sized otter.
I'm itchy. I know. Number two.
Princess Leia's puberty-defying stage show. In the 1983 comic, Shantus of the Stars, a telepathic rabbit creature named Pliff once helped Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia infiltrate a political summit at a nightclub. According to Wikipedia, Pliff is 0.4 meters tall and was accidentally offered sex by a pink woman when her dialogue in the comic was poorly translated into Danish. That is not a joke.
Luke overhears plans for an assassination attempt on one of the governors in attendance. Working quickly to thwart the plan, Luke and Pliff head to one of the entertainment rooms to warn the governor before he drinks some poisoned soup.
Along the way, they are repeatedly harassed by alien women who are just too attracted to them, Pliff included. Back in the main bar, the crowd is packed with an adorable, Furby-looking race of aliens called Lazbees. Lazbees get decidedly uncute when they hit puberty. They suddenly transform into gigantic wild monsters known as Hulks, which you may recognize as Hulk with a typo.
This is going to be a bloodbath. Princess Leia knows she has to do something, so she hatches a desperate two-part plan. The first part is T, and the second part is A. That's right, Leia takes off her clothes, gets on stage, and starts cooing at them.
In an attempt to de-escalate puberty? By far the dumbest part is that it actually works for a minute. The adorable Lazbees hum along with her sweet song, all except one who begins to choke and contort. Luke Skywalker's heightened warrior instincts are the fourth to sense that something's wrong. In other words, you never want to hear about a puberty space monster. I think he was overstimulated. Wait a minute, a woeful misunderstanding of puberty.
Ewoks and Hulks carelessly smash together. Assuming that your problems can all be solved by looking at a naked lady, the Star Wars Expanded Universe was written by nine-year-olds. It explains everything.
Number one, the tragedy of Master Bates and other poorly named Star Wars legends. Now, if we really want proof that the entirety of Star Wars Legends was written by fourth graders, we need look no further than the tragedy of Master Bates the Chaste. See, Jedi Master Soon Bates was created by writer and alleged nine-year-old Randy Stradley. According to the prodigy manchild himself, Stradley was pissed that his editor, Sue Rostoni, would just kind of reflexively award the title Master to any old character. So Stradley named a character Master Bates, in order to prove how foolish Rostoni had been. Surely she'd see the error of her ways and admit that he'd been right all along, and nope, none of that happened. Because someone else was editing that particular story. Master Bates made it all the way to publication. Bates even had a few adventures along the way, until he was, uh, finished off by General Grievous. But Master Bates isn't the only sensually named Star Wars character from Legends.
There's also the Tusken Raider fighter from that Star Wars Masters of Terras Kazi game named Korrrr, or Orr vs. Fuck for short, you win. Which is fairly low key, but also maybe just make his nickname Brrrr just to be safe. And of course there's Momma the Hutt, which strongly implies the existence of Daddy the Hutt. And if we're nominating people, this guy Zero probably qualifies as the daddiest, and probably most offensive of all the Huts. And finally, Droopy McCool's name is mostly just a stupid sad name for a stupid sad space mushroom.
But the music genre he's an expert in is quite sexy indeed. Yep, we're talking about Jizz. Again. Because, according to George Lucas, if you jazz in space, you're actually jizzing in space.
Okay, we need to wrap this up. Everybody, back in the Disney vault, get in there, Fisto. Hey, that means you, horny space ghost. Wait, not you, sexy space otter. You can stay. The research! Hey, I'm glad you're here, actually.
If you liked today's episode, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell. If you know of any other Star Wars Legends stories you think deserve to make the list, let us know in the comments. And if you didn't like today's episode, I want you to write your criticisms on a little piece of paper, and then crumple it up and throw it out! |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_pawn_stars_knockoff_is_worse_than_you_think_ | So Terry comes in with this Confederate sword. Now, if this thing is real, I want it. Oh, it's real. I know, because my grandpa gave it to me. Well, it seems legit, but you know how it goes. I still gotta call my guy. Why it's real?
Hey Earl, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I was at lunch when you called. I had to skip the lunch.
Well, what we have here seems to be a Civil War cavalry saber. It's in pretty good condition considering it's...
I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day. It was going to be a pretty big lunch, so I skipped breakfast in anticipation for the lunch, so I'm actually really hungry right now.
I want you to take a look under the pommel here. Are these initials or a maker's mark? They were literally bringing my food to the table when you called. I barely got to smell it before I had to leave. Your producer said they were going to grab my leftovers, but I don't see them anywhere, so I guess I'll starve. Well, I ask because Terry here has paperwork that says this sword belonged to Colonel Busted Slaveler himself. Mmm, I'm hungry. You know they told me my son was here? They said he crashed his bike and that he needed help. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and if I don't eat something soon, I'm going to throw up. The thing is, Slaveler was left-handed, and this is a right-handed blade.
They're not going to hold my table. At Mangiano's. I was at my favorite restaurant, Mangiano's. It takes weeks to get a reservation there, and they're not going to hold my table. It's restaurant policy.
You could have just sent me a picture of this, you know? Like literally two pictures, I could have told you what I thought, but instead you made me worried about my son, and now my dinner is ruined. I thought it was your lunch.
If I eat lunch now, it'll be too late, and I won't be hungry for dinner, so my dinner is ruined. I can't just eat one meal a day. If I keep doing that, I'll die.
This is rubber. Thanks for coming in, Earl. fuck off. Give you a quarter mil for the sword, best I can do. I told Hank to go fuck himself. I know my sword is worth way more. I'm just happy I got an accurate appraisal.
I hit a car. Is this your car? No?
Okay, I'm just going to walk home. Hey, thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe, and special thanks to Beachside Retro. If you're ever thrifting in Cocoa Beach, go check them out.
They were literally bringing my food to the table when you called. I barely got to see them. I don't see them anywhere, so I'm going to throw up. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_1_why_children_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_talk_to_astronauts | Hello there, Silverton Elementary. I hope you can hear me.
It's a beautiful day here in space. That's of course a little joke. Day is a construct of Earth, and your position on it and its rotation in and out of the sun. Also, no storm clouds up here on account of the lack of atmosphere. I mean, there are some clouds, but they're full of cosmic dust and radiation, not good stuff.
Before I get to your questions, I want to start by giving all of you a quick lay of the land. We got one luxury item up here. You can imagine how frustrating it is when we have to waste it on a publicity project instead of something else that we wanted to bring, like say a picture of your daughter. Let's just skip that for now and get straight into the questions.
Now I have all the questions that your teacher sent, and they sent them via Santa Claus. The reason that his reindeer weren't turned inside out when they got into the vacuum of space is because he sent these from his onboard computer in his sleigh. They're emails. They're just emails, okay?
Let's get started. The first question is from Amelia. It asks, Dear Commander Marcus. Not a commander yet, Amelia. Without rank, our system collapses.
How are the launches? Well, that's a great question. No, I'm sorry. It says, How are the lunches? Oh. Yeah. Well, they're fine. They're coming packets. I'm in space. Okay, well, let's move on to the next question. This one is from Thomas, and it asks, What does our school look like from space? I'm sorry.
We could have gone through these questions before we started. Then I wouldn't have wasted everyone's time with questions like this that Thomas clearly could have just Googled himself and seen with satellite imagery as opposed to asking a professional certified astronaut. We don't have the time or the funding to spend just looking back at your tiny town. That would be a huge waste of government funding. We have to look into the distant vastness of space beyond the infinitesimal little galaxy in which we live. Try to open your mind to something bigger than yourself. Let's move on.
The next question says, Does girls like you for astronaut? What? Who wrote?
Oh. Mario Vasquez. Okay. Well, there we go. You know, maybe next time we do this, you could all encourage your teachers to vet some of these questions before they come to me. We're very busy up here as astronauts. Um. Okay. Mario.
Girls do like astronauts. In fact, some girls even are astronauts.
I know that may come as somewhat of a shock to the machismo culture you've no doubt been inundated with. So there's no questions in here about, uh, lunar swing bias or, or the sphere of influence.
No. Okay. Are you, you're actually getting something from this course, right? You're learning something. Okay. Great. Bulkhead is open. Uh, Abram.
I thought you said you fixed that. I am already fixed. And I will fix it again. Okay. Well, one of the hundred million things that could go wrong in the ship has. So I will see you all next Tuesday. Until then, I am mission specialist Marcus boldly going. Yes. I'll fix it. Yeah. I'll fix it.
Do your job. I'm doing my job.
Okay. All right. I got just a couple of seconds here. What do I got? Huh? Hey.
Did you watch this video in a zip file? It's filed, but it's, it could be like a file. I don't actually know what's in here. Oh, I had the drive to subscribe to crack's channel using my cellular phone.
That's not really as good. Hello there, Silverton Elementary. I hope you can hear me.
It's a beautiful day here in space. That's of course a little joke. Day is a construct of earth and your position on it and its rotation in and out of the sun. Also, no storm clouds up here on account of the lack of atmosphere. I mean, there are some clouds, but they're, they're full of cosmic dust and radiation.
Uh, not, not good stuff. But before I get to your questions, I want to start by giving all of you a quick lay of the land. It didn't work. Um, we got, we got one luxury item up here and you can imagine how frustrating it is when we have to waste it on a publicity project. Instead of, you know, something else that we wanted to bring, like say a picture of your daughter. Let's just skip that for now and get straight into the questions.
Now I have all the questions that your teacher sent and they sent them via Santa Claus. And the reason that his reindeer weren't turned inside out when they got into the vacuum of space is because he sent these from his onboard computer in his sleigh. They're emails. They're just emails, okay?
So let's get started. The first question is from Amelia. It asks, Dear Commander Marcus, not a commander yet, Amelia. Without rank, our system collapses.
How are the launches? Well, that's a great question. No, I'm sorry. It says, how are the lunches? Oh, um, yeah, well, they're fine. They come in packets. I'm in space. Okay, well, let's move on to the next question. This one is from Thomas and it asks, What does our school look like from space? I'm sorry.
I really should have gone through these questions before we started. Then I wouldn't have wasted everyone's time with questions like this that Thomas clearly could have just googled himself and seen with satellite imagery as opposed to asking a professional certified astronaut. We don't have the time or the funding to spend just looking back at your tiny town. That would be a huge waste of government funding. We have to look into the distant vastness of space beyond the infinitesimal little galaxy in which we live. Try to open your mind to something bigger than yourself.
Let's move on. The next question says, Does girls like you for astronaut? What? Who wrote? Oh, Mario Vasquez. Okay, well, there we go. You know, maybe next time we do this, you could all encourage your teachers to vet some of these questions before they come to me. We're very busy up here as astronauts. Um, okay, Mario.
Girls do like astronauts. In fact, some girls even are astronauts.
I know that may come as somewhat of a shock to the machismo culture you've no doubt been inundated with. So there's no questions in here about a lunar swing bias or the sphere of influence. No, okay.
You're actually getting something from this course, right? You're learning something?
Okay, great. Bulkhead is open. Abram, I thought you said you fixed that. I have already fixed it, but I will fix it again soon. Okay, well, one of the hundred million things that could go wrong on the ship has. So I will see you all next Tuesday. Until then, I am mission specialist Marcus, boldly going. Yes, I'll fucking fix it. Yeah, I'll fix it again.
Do your job. I'm doing my job.
Okay, all right. I got just a couple seconds here. What do I got, huh? Hey, did you watch this video in a zip file? It's filed, but it could be like a file. I don't actually know what's in here. Oh, I had the drive to subscribe to crack's channel using my cellular phone. That's not really as good. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_ego_nwodim_rich_auntie_with_no_kids | Watching yourself is so painful. this is a punishment. nearly a third of Americans are more stressed out this year than last holiday season. here to comment is: Rich Anton with no kids. Ok, so Kate was the host. and we're like, it's going to be hard to get something on, because, you know, the Og, the legend is coming back. so updates a hot spot to try to, you know, get some real estate. I love me some premise, Michael. I am too blessed to be stressing. she's very cocky. she's annoying, but, like, fun. you kind of, like, you hate her, but you love her. I want to be her, though. I felt that after doing it, like, after being at the desk. I was like, i want to be her. looks like he about to finish. I push his ass up off me. like, uh-uh, not up in here. do that mess outside. I wrote it with Asha Ward, Gary Richardson, and Alex English. I texted them when we found out we were getting to do it on Friday.
I was like, what look do we want? because Jodie in the hair department was texting me. I was like, what do you want this character to look like? And Asha sends back a picture of Kris Jenner dressed exactly like this with martini and everything. I sent it to Tom in wardrobe, and he was like, what? and he's like, I think that's a really old Dolce & Gabbana set. So he, like, found the fabric somewhere, and, like, it was enough of it was printed. it's crazy. And then she had a different purse at dress rehearsal, and they were switching out my purse. And I was like, why? he's like, the other one looks cheap.
And then I was like, I love that everyone is so committed to making this woman live up to her name, Rich Aunty. they're like magicians. I say that all the time, and I really mean it. Well, speaking of your family, have you ever thought about hosting them for the holidays?
Hell no, I ain't hosting nobody. what I look like, Ryan Seacrest. she was so fun to do, and she was born of Improv. a draft was written, and then I was like, I think we need to just, like, sit together and play around. I'm cutting Up Came from Improv. I am cutting up. I feel like when you're on Update, you do get more room to improvise, because it's not the same way. Shots are arranged in a sketch. it's not the same as they are in Update. in Update, it's pretty much like two shots. you could actually get on, update and say whatever. it's kind of crazy that no one just, like, goes rogue.
Maybe I will this week. I want her to come back, but I don't know when. for what? Mother's Day? Yes, that makes sense. maybe she's hooking up with the Easter Bunny. |
TheOnion | Prison_Economy_Spirals_As_Price_Of_Pack_Of_Cigarettes_Surpasses_Two_Hand_Jobs | If you haven't felt the pinch yet, you will soon. As of today, the average cost of a pack of cigarettes has gone up to two handjobs and a stick of beef jerky. For more, we go now to Onion News Network prison economics expert Hal Rogan. Hal, I never thought I'd see the day when cigarettes cost more than one handjob. Why the sudden spike now? Well, most analysts are tracing it back to the Brothers Pius' pop-off at San Quentin Friday. The lockdown that resulted there cut cigarette imports up to 66% across the West Coast system. That's a much steeper drop-off than anyone saw coming. Oh, you better believe it, but of course we shouldn't discount the recent influx of punks at Chino. According to reports, more than 80% of these fish were greeners, willing to give two handjobs and a stick of beef jerky for a pack of rollies. And their exuberance is what's causing the increases we're seeing in so many other sectors today, from baby oil to tracers to chestnuts, car from bars, and so on.
Yes, absolutely. Look, the prison economy runs on cigarettes. They're involved in every economic transaction at some stage, from contract killings to naked woman picture acquisition. That's why we've got shampoo at six batteries. We've got tattoos at 50 commissary stamps, slocks at a stick and a muff bag. That's incredible. Yes.
How nervous are investors at this point? Well, it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear, but clearly there were a lot of jitters across the market this morning after reports came that the impending Chiva deal between Rico Perez and Bones Gorman was called off after a pigeon told hacks to put Bones on shit watch.
Now for what it's really like out there in the market, let's check in with major cigarette trader Big Dap Ramirez. Big Dap, nice to see you again. Thanks, Rick. Good to see you. What's happening, Hal? How's it going, Big Dap?
Now, it's obviously a boom time for cigarettes right now. I'm getting a lot of handjobs. With prices this high, analysis shows you're going to be seeing a drop off in real sales soon as consumers turn to smoking grass fejos. Look, we've been through this before. The market teaches us not to panic. But if I learn anything in this game, it's that a wife or girlfriend will pass off a few decks in the boneyard. Supply will normalize, and we'll see cigarettes returning to a single handjob or less. Let's hope.
Big Dap, in the interim, what are investors like yourself supposed to do? All I can say is monitor your assets carefully.
This morning I got stabbed with a sharpened toothbrush by this bitch, Django, who tried to crib my supply. I fucked him up bad in the library.
But hey, that's the way the market's going to be for a while. It is. All right, Big Dap, best of luck to you. We'll keep checking in on the story with Hal throughout the day. Thanks, Rick. Moving on to some happier news, in Atlanta today, two snitches were beaten to death. |
cracked | scientific_reasons_cats_are_better_than_dogs_the_cracked_podcast | I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked. And joining me on stage, Cracked's gurgling wellspring of edgy sexuality, Mr. Alex Schmidt. Next to him, head writer for Video on Cracked, he is Dr. Mr. Cody Johnston! Next to him is the hilarious stand-up from L.A., where he writes for the micro-blogging site Twitter. He's a member of Women, one of the funniest comedy troops on the YouTubes. Mr. Jake Weissman! Next to him, the newest addition to the Cracked staff, the hilarious Ms. Carmen Angelica! Thanks, Creative Director of Video, and big swinging of Mr. Daniel O'Brien!
Before we get into the research we've done on dogs and cats, for those of you who aren't familiar with what those are, I figure we should all kind of tell these people where we stand, whether we own dogs, whether we own cats. And Jake, I think you kind of have your allegiance somewhat written on your shirt. So why don't you start us off? Are you a cat owner, dog owner? I actually don't have either.
I have two angels. They're classified as cats. My shirt says real men. Love cats. And t-shirts are an excuse for a personality. It's fine. I have two cats, and I want to just explain a little bit about how I got these angels. So, their names are Pepples and Chicksa.
I'm Jewish, so if you don't laugh at me, you're anti-Semitic. I told you I would accuse everyone of that right away, and I did. I'm a candidate who delivers on his promises.
So I used to volunteer to shelter, and one day these cats were returned there, so I asked why they'd been returned. And apparently, they had them for about a year, a little over a year.
The family liked the cats, but in the meantime, the family had a baby. And the way these parents raised the baby was that when it cried, they didn't attend to it. They felt that the baby should learn its own. And the cats were so upset by the crying the baby went through that they would go to the parents' room and meow at the parents every night. And the parents returned the cats, saying, we don't appreciate them judging our parenting techniques.
And then when the car drove away, they had a Scientology bumper sticker on their car. So if you think Scientologists are not crazy, you're wrong.
Yeah, I've been a pro-dog my whole life, and I've always been rescued. My childhood dog was Bridget, who was a Pomeranian mixed with garbage. Eleanor Ripby, who was a beagle, and Darby, who was a Sheltie. My current dog that I have just by myself is Jackson. He's half Dachshund, half Jack Russell, half best dog in the world.
And there's no substitute for the love that a dog can give you when you open your door. And no matter how bad work was, you have one of those real rough bosses or whatever. And then you get home, and this tiny ball of energy is just jumping. Because as far as he knows, he hasn't seen you in a thousand years, and he's just as excited every day to see you. And it's impossible to be sad.
And that's my biggest argument for dogs, that I've never seen a cat that was like, I'm so excited to see you that I'll look stupid. Cats are not of that ilk, but dogs are. All right, I'm in the middle. I'm allergic to cats, but I get along very well with them.
I have two beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spangles. You have to say it in a very fancy voice. They're so beautiful that people think that they're girls until they start licking each other's d***s. People say that that's how boy dogs play. But I think those people just don't want to admit that their dogs are gay. I love my dogs for what they are. A handsome elderly gay couple.
Alex. Well, I did not grow up with dogs or cats. I grew up with a turtle that my brother named Swimmer, because it swims. It's brilliant. And then, since then I've been basically a pet uncle.
I've had a lot of roommates with dogs and cats, and I just get to pet it and be like, Oh, someone should feed this! And just hang out. And I think I've enjoyed Dogs Company more. They're very, very friendly and active. And there you are. And the cats just sort of observe me and probably gather data.
I don't know. Jake is so mad and I love it. As soon as you came down and like, I think maybe I prefer dogs. He's like, f*** this anti-set light. Yeah. Dr. Johnson.
I have both. I have a cat and a dog currently.
They play all the time. They chase after each other. They sleep in a pile. It's the dream.
If you have a cat and a dog, they're best friends. But if I had to choose... Like, if my dog Maggie ran away, I would be f***ing devastated. It would be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And if my cat did, I would be sad. But I would get another cat.
Can I ask a quick question? See, you run the crack, right? How do you have a working website with so many dumb writers? I mean, you do have an answer.
We're going to come to Carmen. Well, I grew up with many cats and many dogs. So then we named them all after food.
And I currently live... I'm a cat aunt. I live with cats that are not mine. But I treat them like they are without the added work that is put into owning an animal.
And their names are Kono and Lola. And they are very cute.
And, oh, if I'm going to name my preference... I'm sitting right next to him, you guys. You know, I'm going to have to say, I have experienced and live with more cats.
And I think last year I was never more heartbroken than when Kono was in the Katie Hospital. And I just remember sitting in the bathroom being like, I don't know if there's a God.
I wrote a New York Times article that said that if you leave your cat outdoors, it's like devastating to the local ecosystem because they just murder the f*** out of so many birds. And they also hide their kill. At first they'll bring them to you, but then once they see that you're not into it, they'll bury the body. They're like actual murderers.
Do you leave your cat outside? No, I have indoor cats, but because I don't want them to ever feel fear because I'm a good dad.
But I think, I don't know, I respect that. I respect humans devastate the earth.
Agriculture ruined the world, so cats are just doing what humans do. So if you don't like cats, you don't like yourself. And you don't like humans, and you're probably a sociopath.
I love that they kill s*** that good. They're beautiful. They're the most beautiful animals.
Well, no, now that I really like Jake's interpretation that it's cats holding up a mirror about the world that we as humans have already destroyed, where it's like, cat, you killed that hummingbird, that beautiful hummingbird. And the cat's like, oh, what about slavery? Did you forget? They're like, oh, cat, you got me again. You dropped a drone on Pakistan yesterday. Don't complain to me about the bird you didn't give a f*** about.
You have a building full of dogs and cats that you kill regularly. Dogs, they love you.
They're kind of dumber, I think.
They're just like, oh, you're my dad? Okay, well, you're my dad.
But cats, if they love you, if they really care about you, you have to f*** that. And I think that there's a real thing there. You really have to earn a cat's love. They're smart about it. People are garbage, and so cats know that.
I think that's probably the biggest lie in modern media, because I don't read the news at all. This misconception that cats are smart. I don't believe that. I think they seem it, like they look really cool, and they're so standoffish, and we associate that kind of exclusivity with intelligence.
But I've spent time around cats, sir. I cat sat for my aunt and uncle for a week with these two cats. I have a black friend.
That's what you were saying. That's basically what you were saying.
We can. And just spending a concentrated amount of time where all I'm doing is watching cats, I'm sitting there like, you're not f***ing smarter than my dog. They're still falling down. They're just cleaner than dogs. Actually, based off research, cats' brains are closer to human brains than they are to... that dogs' brains are to human brains. So they are smarter, but they just don't give a f***. Like, they don't want to try. See, this research is more liberal media. I feel like I like dogs better personally, but cats are higher beings than dogs, and possibly than human beings. In a household, cats definitely think they are above the human. That's actually a fact.
When they're presenting the kill to you, it's not like, here's a gift to you, my master. It's like a gang initiation. Like, okay, look, now I want to see you eat this, motherf***er. It's your chance to prove yourself.
Because they're like, you can't do this. You can't do what I do.
I can hunt. Look, I did it for you, because you're a loser. This is step one of the teaching you to hunt game. Like, how they would teach a kitten that they own, or that is theirs, how to hunt.
And also when they rub up against you, that's like them marking you with their scent as like their possession, which is creepy. But I also think it's kind of interesting, like it's almost like, because their scent is now on you and you go out into the city, like other cats smell their scent on you and they can smell like how horny the cat is and like how ready the cat is to mate. So that's like an awesome, like they're just like putting a billboard of like sex with them on their owners. That would be like me putting post-its on people being like Carmen Sand. I don't know a ton about animal husbandry, but I feel like cats are mostly cats and then they're sort of different makes and models.
But dogs, we've bred all kinds of different skills and superpowers and things into them. Sharpies are bred so that the folds of their skin make it so that if boars attack them, they like can't get a good hold on the dog. Because some people used to hunt boars.
That's fine. We did that. That's not like, we didn't just know. It's like, look how silly that is.
I bet that's great for boar. Yeah, and there's a lot of other like beagles were bred for hunting foxes, I think. And then there's a lot of different just ways we overtime genetically engineered dogs, even though we didn't know what that is quite. The Dachshund, Dachshund, whatever the f***. It's like specifically bred that way to hunt badgers inside badger holes, which is way more bad ass than what my guess was. Right, I see that for people who, just in case anyone knows, know Dachshund is wiener dog. That's the normal thing for wiener dog, which is like the most ridiculous looking dog that we have.
We're like, look at this garbage. Let's just keep making it.
But they were such bad ass hunters and fetchers for burrowing down and getting things. And I see, because my dog is a bark Dachshund. He's a rescue. You'll love him. And I can still see that burrowing instinct that he has when he's trying to burrow into the couch or as soon as there's sand, he's digging there looking for badgers. We're just like cuddling up real close to me. Not like it's burrowing, but it's super cute.
I feel like humans kind of molded dogs to kind of work with them as a tool and we have all these different species. But cats have just, from Jump Street, have just been doing the same thing. They're like, I'm going to kill fucking rats for you and that's it. And so the only way that cats evolved was they developed a meow that mimics babies crying so that triggers something hardwired in the human brain to nurture them. So that's why modern cats, as they developed that, people took care of them and those cats lasted. So dogs are still around because we made them our tools and cats are still around because they tricked us. They made us their food machine. And that was their one trick. I feel like we see a real change in evolution with dogs. You can go back forever and you see dogs running around and hunting with people. This dog is going to spot birds and this dog is going to get a smaller thing and bring it back. And time goes on and now we have dogs do weird bullshit patches and stuff and we dress them up and there's one on the set in Monica Promenade so we just keep teasing them things but you can go to pots from the Egyptian days and it's still the same cat not giving a shit. That's the only way that cats have been depicted throughout time.
Why should it give a shit? Because I'm keeping it alive.
It's not me, of course, obviously. I think of dogs as cult members because people say dogs are loyal but it's like, are they loyal? As a puppy, when it does something wrong where you're like, no, no, no, no. And you're like, bad dog, bad dog. It's not loyalty.
They're scared of you. They don't know what else to do. You told them no. Cats just do their own thing. It is their world.
Divas are divas and divas are better people. Beyonce is a cat, you know what I mean? She can do whatever the hell she wants and we'll listen to her and we deserve to because she's the most beautiful and the most talented.
Dammit. And Robin Thicke is a dog. This is terrible. Here's my main problem.
And as you can see, it's like all the dudes here are pro-dog. And, you know, I'm more open with like kind of who I am. Like I embrace both genders. So we like cats because we're smarter. And women are smarter. That's obvious.
But my point is, what I don't like about, one thing I really don't like about dogs and cats and the way it's discussed is dogs are supposedly a male animal. And if you like cats, like cat ladies are sad or something like that. Or if you like cats, like I'm a single guy with two cats and there's so many people who think that's so f***ing weird. And it's like, but cats are more designed for men. If you're talking about like specifics like dogs, like in the way that men are supposed to be like stoic and not want anything to depend on them and like the way that the gender binary has, in the heteronormative kind of gender like binary, dogs are much more for women and cats are much more for men.
I don't walk my cat. I f***ing feed it. I scoop its litter once in a while. I do whatever the f*** I want. It's amazing. I don't have to take care of the cat. The cat takes care of itself.
And you, even though you're so macho, you shoot guns every day. And you do. I've seen it on YouTube. You're a monster. But the point is, you f*** it. You take care of something all the time. You need it to love you all the time.
You're not a man. You're a weak little baby. You are a guest. I'm on our show. I was told to spice it up. It seems like you just called women weak little babies.
But do you know what I'm talking about? I do. That's a really insightful takedown of a pop culture stereotype. I agree with you. That's one thousand percent true and I don't think has been addressed before.
And there's, I'm never, and I don't want to get into any kind of tricky language here, I'm never less traditionally masculine than when I'm around my dog. That's the most, and we're just talking about like very 1960s television version of men versus women. I am the most feminine when I'm with my dog and I'm like on my knees hugging him, like holding his head being like, you're my whole world, don't ever go away from me.
Guys who are dog people in pop culture are like Fry, Ron Burgundy, Doc Brown, and like cat people. It are Gargamel, John R. Buckle, Dr. Claw, Dr. Evil.
It's just like there's no like... It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's not fair.
In the same way that a lot of villains, like in Hitchcock movies, were like gay. Like that, like the way that gay people was like as sneering and weird.
It's similar to the way they portray men who like cats, but also the cat lady is like an offensive term. It's not said in an affectionate way. It's not like, oh, I'm going to go hook up with a cat lady today. She's a cat lady.
It's ridiculous. They're nurturing people. To bring another wrench into this situation, I just got to say I think pigs are actually smarter than all animals. That's true. We found this out on a pitch dock that like pigs are better at every single job that we give to canine units of the police force, which like made us draw the conclusion that the only reason that cops aren't using that is because of the jokes that would come off like pigs. It was like, well, you can't do this. I did the research. Look at this pig. It does a backflip and it found cocaine. And like, man, listen to yourself.
We can't do it. I understand, but no. We found out donuts can solve crimes. No, not gonna use them. It doesn't matter.
They can play video games. Pigs would be such like a better pet that you could play video games with. Like they can play that. Oh, God, what's the word? Joystick video games.
Like they were actually, they tested it out in like universities. It was great. And I was like, are you kidding me?
If that was my pet, I would be indoors playing video games with my pig every day. What game was it? What kind of game? It was a flight simulator game, and the pig was just doing terrorist maneuvers. So if you find out that pigs love Mountain Dew, they're just humans.
You know what I mean? Because I'm so fearful of Jake, I'm ready to take a play out of my dog's book and roll over and show him my belly, where I'm softest, and like declare his dominance.
Also, America's kind of voted. It's like 88 million cats to 74 million dogs. So popularity wise, cats are a misconception. And then we have a cat president.
Actually, there have been cat mayors, so. There have been dog mayors too. There have been several dog mayors.
Several? Yeah. Name them. I don't know.
I mean, obviously cats and dogs are both awesome and they're both great. I'm amazed in general that people have time for dogs. And that's what I find amazing, because you guys work all day. I mean, that's part of me with cats. I feed them and then I'm out all the time, like often really long days. So it's like, I don't know how you take care of the dogs.
That's mostly what I understand and why you want to do that to yourself. It's like having kids, like don't do it. You know what I mean? Like just don't do that to yourself. And I'm amazed that people do it, but it's such a big part of your life that it's your whole personality and you lose your identity as a human. You know what I mean?
That's totally true. Rough, rough, rough. Excuse me. That's totally true.
My identity wasn't great. I mean, it was like, here's this guy with no dog. Isn't he fun to party with?
No, I can let him die. That's fine. All right, I think that's all the time we have actually.
So thanks everybody for coming out. Thanks so much for having us. I really appreciate it.
And you didn't know you could do that.
The words are right there. Like very 1960s television version of men versus women. I am the most feminine when I'm with my dog and I'm like on my knees hugging him, holding his head, being like, you're my whole world, don't ever go away from me. Guys who are dog people in pop culture are like Fry, Ron Burgundy, Doc Brown, and like cat people. Our Gargamel, John R. Buckle, Dr. Claw, Dr. Evil.
It's just like there's no like... It's ridiculous. Yeah, it is not fair.
In the same way that a lot of villains, like in Hitchcock movies, were like gay. Like the way that gay people was like as sneering and weird. It's similar to the way they portray men who like cats.
But also, the cat lady is like an offensive term. It's not said in an affectionate way. It's not like, oh, I'm going to go hook up with a cat lady today. She's a cat lady.
It's ridiculous. They're nurturing people. To bring another wrench into this situation, I just got to say I think pigs are actually smarter than all animals. That's true. We found this out on a pitch dock that pigs are better at every single job that we give to canine units of the police force, which made us draw the conclusion that the only reason that cops aren't using that is because of the jokes that would come up like pigs. It was like, well, you can't do this. I did the research, look at this pig, it does a backflip and it found cocaine. Man, listen to yourself. We can't do it. I understand, but no. We found out donuts can solve crimes. No, not gonna use them. It doesn't matter.
They can play video games. Pigs would be such a better pet that you could play video games with. They can play the joystick video games.
They tested it out in universities. It was great. I was like, are you kidding me?
If that was my pet, I would be indoors playing video games with my pig every day. What game was it? What kind of game? It was a flight simulator game and the pig was just doing terrorist maneuvers. If you find out that pigs love Mountain Dew, they're just humans. Because I'm so fearful of Jake, I'm ready to take a play out of my dog's book and roll over and show him my belly where I'm softest and declare his dominance.
Also, America's kind of voted. It's like 88 million cats to 74 million dogs. Way more cats. So popularity-wise. Yeah, by the way. Cats are a misconceptionality. And then we have a cat president. Fantastic.
There have been cat mayors, so... There have been dog mayors, too. There have been several dog mayors.
Several? Yeah. Name them. I don't know.
I mean, obviously cats and dogs are both awesome and they're both great. I'm amazed in general that people have time for dogs. And that's what I find amazing because you guys work all day. I mean, that's part of me with cats. I feed them and then I'm out all the time, like often really long days. So it's like, I don't know how you take care of the dogs.
That's mostly what I understand and why you want to do that to yourself. It's like having kids, like, don't do it. You know what I mean? Like, just don't do that to yourself. And I'm amazed that people do it. But it's such a big part of your life that it's your whole personality and you lose your identity as a human. You know what I mean?
That's totally true. Rough, rough, rough. Excuse me. That's totally true.
My identity wasn't great. I mean, it wasn't like... Here's this guy with no dog. Isn't he fun to party with? No.
I can let him die. That's fine. All right. I think that's all the time we have, actually.
So thanks, everybody, for coming out. Thanks so much for having us. Thank you, guys. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Should_The_Cowboys_Be_Worried_About_Ezekiel_Elliott_Hanging_Around_Someone_Like_Jerry_Jones | Alright, my precious little sweat beads. I want to talk about Ezekiel Elliott and whether the cowboy should be worried that he's hanging around with a character as shady as Jerry Jones. I mean, this is your former fourth overall pick who you're spending $25 million on. And if I'm Jason Garrett, I'm awfully nervous anytime I see him around Jones, who we all know is bad, bad news. Jones is a troublemaker. He just wants to get drunk and go to strip clubs and you know he's going to be in Elliott's ear egging him on. Do you want to risk losing your franchise's investment because he's got a guy like that in his inner circle? I think the cowboy should assign Zeke a chaperone to make sure Jerry Jones doesn't even get within 20 feet of him.
Okay, wait. Where the fuck is my Gilbert Arenas bobblehead? Who the fuck took it? My Gilbert Arenas bobblehead. Where is it?
Important stat I just saw. According to a poll, 60% of Americans now believe the U.S. government faked Tony Hawk landing a .900 back in 1999. If you're a regular listener, you know I firmly believe Tony Hawk never actually landed a .900. Think about it. President Clinton promised us we'd win the race to launch a man and rotate him three and a half times by the end of his administration. But that wasn't feasible, so clearly the government used a soundstage in Los Angeles to film Tony Hawk landing the trick to fool the public rather than risk national embarrassment.
Seems totally obvious to me, but let's hear what our callers think. Colleen from Buffalo, you're on. Absolutely, Hank. You can tell from the weird lighting and the way the wind blows Tony's shirt that this was definitely not done live at the X Games. It's a fraud. Right on the money, Colleen. I'm just glad there are more people realizing the truth. Alright, coming up, we'll debate whether the baseball on the Jumbotron is under hat number one, two or three. |
cracked | 8_mind_blowing_connections_between_the_works_of_joss_whedon_after_hours | Thank you all for coming. Now, as the material that we're speaking about today is of a sensitive nature, I thought it best that we meet somewhere out of sync with our natural rhythms. Our usuals, please. One unusual for him. But then I forgot that everything's closed. Plus, Dan's anal retentiveness precludes us changing locations. After we ate at that weird bakery place, I hand sanitized my whole body.
Yeah, we know. We read the Yelp reviews.
Anyways, hats off, dickheads, because your minds are about to be blown by... Take my love. Well, that was unnecessarily coarse. I'm not wearing a hat.
And back to my point, how about we all name some Joss Whedon things? Buffy, Angel, Serenity, Firefly, Captain of the Woods, Agent of the Shield, Avengers, Dollhouse, Descript for Toy Story, and Alien, Resurrection, Titan AE, four episodes of Roseanne, and much ado about nothing. Thanks, everyone. Yeah, well, you owe me one. My awesome theory is Joss Whedon's movies and TV shows all exist in the same universe. Katie, you can't just say that because he wrote Toy Story. I already nailed the Pixar multiverse theory.
And I don't think anyone here would dispute that. No, I don't even remember that. Me neither. Do you guys try to retain these conversations? I just assumed we were spinning our wheels until we inevitably drifted apart.
But I'm not talking about Pixar. I'm talking about all the other ones. The Big E's, the ten poles, for my theory, are Buffy and Angel and Cabin in the Woods and Firefly and Serenity, although the other ones could fit in there, too, one way or another. All right. Don't take us through it. Mel Gibson. All right. Shug a tits. Not you. I'm sorry.
Anyways, in Buffy, there's this secret group called Watchers who keep the forces of hell and mysticism in balance on Earth. You know, they fight demons, they close portals to other dimensions, et cetera, et cetera. And then there's Buffy and these other chicks who are chosen ones that they teach to fight and kill and blah, blah, blah. And there's kissing and a musical episode.
And it's great. It is. It's so great.
But it's really clear that the Watchers and Buffy are capable of losing. I mean, shit goes wrong constantly. Victory is never guaranteed. I mean, they're throwing apocalypses at these kids so often it's a running joke.
And then in Angel, he hires this evil law first. Wolfram and Hart. Right. Blah, blah, blah. They have secret offices all over the world and they do Illuminati stuff. There's also the powers that be. Now that's the good guy version of it. Right. Anyway, there are these evil demons that Angel works for for reasons it's not important. It is. It very much is. What's important is we've got Joss Whedon writing Angel, one of the first TV series to feature connections between a pre-existing series, Buffy. And they both feature multiple dimensions, demons and gods, apocalypses, and at least two top secret government organizations manipulating world events. Oh, I see where you're going with this. So the government guys in Cabin in the Woods in that facility, they're just, what, Wolfram and Hart HQ? Just years later? Exactly.
In Cabin, they're the shadowy US government agency thing instead of, you know, demon leasing lawyers and befuddled British dudes. It's not that simple, is it? No. But the bottom line is they still use sci-fi technology and sexy time gas in order to capture demons and hell beasts for their own use. Yeah, they even have that shadowy government enclave that studies vampires and demons and Buffy. The initiative. Yeah, the initiative, the facility, no way those are related. So what I'm saying is that the watchers and parts of the initiative get this big government grant from Homeland Security to capture demons and bing, bang, boom! Cabin in the Woods. But they don't trap monsters for money, they do it to stop the apocalypse. Which they didn't do.
That's how we got to Fireflies! See, it's fun to share ideas, Daniel. See, it's so obvious. In Firefly and Serenity, everybody's talking about the Earth that was.
But we never know what the hell happened to it. And in the Wieniverse, just because a prophecy says the world is going to end, that don't make it so. Buffy and the Scooby Gang reverse world-ending prophecies all the freaking time. You're saying a giant ham coming out of the ground knocking trees over wouldn't instantly end all human life? She's saying, we're saying, that if these facility guys can make force fields and they have all this crazy technology and they know that they're actively thwarting Armageddon over and over again, don't you think they'd have some spaceships lying around in case they failed? That cabin was probably built on the ruins of Sunnydale High or some other hellmouth. And once this big, bad demon pops up, they throw the survivors into some spaceships, send them out, and then bing-bang-boom a thousand years later, that's the cast of Firefly.
Yeah, the best part is, the secret order is still alive and well. What, the Alliance? I think they're Oleg Garkul, not Satanic. No, no, no. The Blue Love guys. The Blue Sun Corporation. Yeah. The ones who turn River into a psychic killing machine who murders anyone who comes near her.
I thought they were just, like, the future's version of prostate exam doctors. Giving a prostate exam involves violently hemorrhaging to death?
I don't know, I ain't fifty.
Enora's a space prostitute. She kills guys.
Airtight logic. So, some amalgam of watchers leave from the facility to form either the Alliance or Blue Sun, and they keep meddling with the world, making river, making reavers, making rovers. Yeah, and this pretty much works for any other Joss Whedon project. If you think about it, with your brain. Oh, I am! Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the new agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. S.H.I.E.L.D. has always been dubiously manipulating world events. Whedon's S.H.I.E.L.D. could just be the New York branch of the Initiative or whatever. Hell, think about the Avengers. They're constantly dealing with monsters and gods and outer dimensional whatevers. Dollhouse, the Rossum Corporation that owns all the dollhouses. They're always up to some mind f***ery in that show. Like Blue Sun did to River.
Whedon works with Toy Story. Toy Story's about Buzz finding out that his world is a lie. It's the first one in the Pixar is telling one long movie, conspiracy theory, and Joss Whedon wrote it.
Perhaps as a clue as to what to look for in his later work. And let us not forget the Roseanne, where the Illuminati fakes Dan's death and rigs the Illinois state lottery. It was nice working with you, Robert. You get an assist. Maybe. I'll update the spreadsheet. So, new topic?
Are we done? Joss, we done? Dear God, what has we done? Joss, we done, done, done.
Okay, so we get two to-go boxes, please. Thank you. I could go all night.
I scan the audio visual, no breaches. They suspect little. Too close.
If it keeps on like this, we'll have to wipe them again. But Swain, won't that damage him? He's already been wiped eight times.
Twelve. Twelve times.
We're past worrying about a few synapses with that one. Go home and get rest. I'll clean up here. Thanks for watching. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_american_girl_cafe_snl | And Some more tea for Clarabelle. But Make sure Clarabelle knows it's very hot, okay? Okay. Thank you. Hi there. Welcome to American Girl Cafe. I'm Shane. I'll be taking care of you this afternoon. I Still see you're waiting on some folks. Nope. Gang's all in. Okay. So You're not waiting for your daughter or a niece? Nope. Just me and the girls. This is Claire. That's Isabelle. Okey-dokey. Um, I Always start by asking if there are any food allergies I should be aware of. No, but this one is doing keto right now. Okay. And Are you allowed within a thousand feet of a school? Yes. Why? Just A standard question. We Ask all of our patrons. Can I Start you out with something to drink? Um, a glass of rose. I'll need a drink to get me through lunch with these two drama queens. Okay, wonderful. I Just need to see your ID. So sorry. They Make us ask everyone. Thanks. And So you don't have any other names you use, right? This is the name that would appear on any online court documents or registered on any government list. That's the one. But The only list you'll find me on is the hungriest customer list. Right. Okay. Shall I Bring you some menus, then? No need. I Already know what I want. I'll have a 64-ounce port house. Rare. Okay. So, unfortunately, we do not serve giant steaks here. It's just a cafe. Oh, well, we'll need menus, then. But FYI, don't bring out any kids menus for the girls. Isabelle Just had her period, and she thinks she's a woman now. Thank you for telling me that. Let Me: Just take a quick look under here. Make Sure, you're not aroused. No? Oh, clear. Okay. I'll be back shortly. Hi. My Daughter's shy, but she wanted to know if your dolls wanted some of her pizza. Thanks. But No thanks. They Don't need the calories, and, frankly, neither does your daughter. What Did you say to me? The Truth, honey. Bye Now. Hi there. I'm Lucy, the manager. Just A safety thing we do here. You Might always be keeping both hands on the table just so we know you're not doing anything inappropriate under there. Sorry, it's a vestige of the COVID era. Enjoy. Wow. How cool is this, sweetheart? I Hope Logan is hungry. Uh-oh. Check Your makeup, girls. Boy Alert. Um, is there a reason that your dolls are looking at us, sir? You Bring a stud like that in here, he's gonna turn a few heads. Yeah. Excuse me. Yes? The Gentleman at that table? Oh, he is here alone, but he seems to be harmless. So he's not. Arouse? No, I checked. Okay. And You're sure he's harmless because I really don't like what he's doing right now. Isabel says she was hot, but I think she just wanted to show her body off. Yeah, he talking about showing off the body of a doll. That's not my favorite thing I've heard today. He's coming over here, okay? Let The flirting begin. Don't worry. She's on the pill. There he is. Can you. Hi. Yeah. Hey, what's up? Uh, Lucy Said we have a possible creeper in here. Yeah, over there. Huh. All right. Don't worry, sir. I'm on it. Thank you so much. Yes. Hey, listen up, pervert. You Know anything shady in here, we're gonna have a problem, you understand me? What Did you just say to me? The Truth, honey. The Truth. |
cracked | 3_ways_the_modern_work_place_is_designed_to_make_you_sick | Thank you. Thank you, that is my one act play entitled Office Worker Who Doesn't Know What I Know. Because while most people go to and from their office jobs without a care in the world, except for every care in the world ever, adulthood is a pants poopingly nasty toil. Anyway, I go to my office job with specific fears you don't, because I've learned the truth about my office building. And the truth is, it hates me, with every fiber and eye beam and ceiling tile I throw pencils into of its being. Why is that? Well for one thing, workspaces are unproductive places to work. Which is insane. You had one job, job place, to, to job place, to be that.
As of 2012, there were almost 1 million office buildings in America. They're the most prevalent kind of commercial building in the country. Approximately 70% of those offices are designed as open offices. No walls, no dividers. That number keeps growing.
And that's not because your boss wants you all to feel like cool, egalitarian future workers, Tom Cruise in minority reporting at your standing screen desk. No, your company saw that movie. But their takeaway was that if three precogs can share one wave pool, you don't need your own office. You might have experienced what many workers are first hand, switching from a cubicle to a communal table. Or switching from an assigned desk to a storage locker and the possibility of a desk. Or being told you don't need most of that fancy square footage you're wastefully existing in. And that corporate fat slicing is super profitable.
Or it would be, if statistics didn't show that workers in open office spaces take more sick leave, suffer more stress, and lose most of their productivity. That productivity drop hits introverts hardest. Workers hate feeling eyes on them. And an open office serves up more eyes than a seafood place that leaves the head on. But an open office's interruptions are the true focus killer. And they derail any kind of employee. A UC Irvine study found that after an interruption, it takes the average office worker more than 23 minutes to get back on task. 23 minutes, that means that time frame wise, an interruption is basically one worker telling the other worker to close Excel and not open it back up until they watched a sitcom.
And we are designing more offices to do that to people more often. And hey, your company might argue their open office is a space saving layout, because that's what it takes to reduce the building's carbon footprint and dang if that's not worth some sacrifice. And that would be true if management also did something about how much energy they're throwing at the air conditioning. Also air conditioning hates professional women, surprise! I'm focusing on office building problems, so as bad as they are we can blow right past the non-architectural forms of business sexism. The pay gap and the glass ceiling and insincere tokenism are issues that happen in or out of an office environment. Workplaces do breed sexual harassment, and that's a real problem, but you know that.
Or you choose not to know that, because you have a thriving career in mergers, acquisitions, and stegosaurus hunting. Either way, anti-lady bullsh** moves are like the eyes of Sauron. They're everywhere. Also, they involve a male gaze.
Anyway, as much as office workers have moved past the madman era, your office building's air conditioning is still an ass-slapping Don Draper. If you see these office blankets and immediately imagine them solving all your temperature problems, you're not crazy. Studies show Office AC is based on a decades-old model, and that model is calibrated for the comfort of a 40-year-old man weighing 154 pounds.
That temperature also assumes this man is wearing a suit, which means unless you exclusively shop the Hillary Clinton Collection, your office is responding to your feminine clothing choices by literally freezing you out of the workplace. It's because Hillary likes pantsuits, uh, because she's boring. Or Hillary likes pantsuits because decades of working in government offices and private sector high-rises, all of them built for men, forced her to wear the warmest professional garments she can at all times, and that requirement is the thing that created her lifelong public image as a pants-suited frosty box, against her will and without her say-so.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Your building's oxygen supply isn't just chilly. Tract's Kathy Benjamin warned us all about sick building syndrome and gadget pollution. You see, regulatory agencies like OSHA are mostly worried about hazardous chemicals, construction accidents, and other action movie-type liabilities. So they miss the fact that your building's ventilation system sucks in automotive pollution from the parking lot and your close-by major streets. They're also unlikely to notice if those vents have black mold. And even if the ventilation's perfect, printers and copiers expel ozone and spit particles of toner into the air indoors. Life exposure to that can give you cidero-silicosis, a disease primarily associated with coal miners and with movies where children swear never to work in their minds, Paul. I can't live like you, I love space! Now maybe you're not worried about that because you work in one of those new office buildings, with eco-friendly vents and razor-scooters between meetings and that set-of-throw pillows shaped like emojis. Well, congratulations, you might not be inhaling too much crime, but you are breathing in literal dead air.
Lots of new office buildings are energy-efficient, but did you ever wonder how they achieved that? It still looks like an office building.
You still leave your computer turned on 24-7. That one... thing won't stop humming.
Well one of the main ways offices cut energy use is by cutting their ventilation rate. That means more of the carbon dioxide you breathe out sticks around. Energy-efficient buildings are notorious for elevated indoor CO2. And studies show CO2 ruins a person's decision-making abilities once it's over a thousand parts per million in the air.
So now you know. And you know what?
Take some time off. Otherwise your office will turn you into a frozen, vapor-addled distraction target. In addition to making you depressed if your commute is more than 10 minutes, making you depress-er by over-lighting your space, also it's wrecking your spine whether you sit or stand. So if you're watching this at home, good for you. And if you're watching this at work, I salute you as the gosh-darn American hero you are. Your mind and body are at war with the most hostile-to-work-in-work environment civilization has ever conceived.
And I know your struggle, because I'm right there with you. I'm in those trenches every day.
And a lot of nights. The past few weekends, too. It's been busy. And sure, things can feel hopeless after working in an office for more than a couple of minutes.
But I choose not to worry about that, because everything will be fine. Guys, thank you so much for watching. Please like and share this video if you want to subscribe to the channel. That would be awesome. And if you're watching this at work, you're sticking it to the man. I like that. Let's sink this economy. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_new_trump_family_snl | Home at last. I know the kids are gonna be really jazzed to see their dad a new wife, Melania Canals Trump fresh from the honeymoon. I'm gonna kiss you now kids, We're home. Donald Trump Jr. Eric Trump Ivanka Trump Come meet your new mommy! Hi Dad. here's how it's gonna go.
I'm not calling her mom because she's too close to my age. So come up with a terrific name. Here's what you're gonna do. Tell me the name. I'm gonna call her Mom. Laniya. All right, you're gonna call her Mom. Laniya. That's a terrific idea. But I think I'm gonna call her Mom. Laniya. don't contradict me. Go tell that guy to clean up your room.
Eric Eric Ivanka, what is your take on this whole marriage scenario? it sounds like it was a very successful honeymoon and for what it's worth, I think Melania is sensual and luxurious creature with all the right parts in all the right places. Thank you Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, I think you should give your new mommy a kiss. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk over and give my new mommy a kiss.
I think it's tremendous that you two finally tied the knot. It's been a real challenge being the only supermodel in the family. I can't wait to shower cosmetics with you. Donnie.
I love being a new mommy. come over and sit by me on the couch. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna come over and I'm gonna sit by you on the couch. Later on when the kids are in bed, we're gonna turn on some Herb Albert. We're gonna eat some strawberries off each other's stomachs and you're gonna perform falludio on me. I'm gonna return the favor with the modest amount of conugulus.
What it's worth, Dad, I think when it comes to hanky-panky, I'd prefer some discretion on your part. I begged a different dad. I don't blame you for being openly passionate. she's glorious. Eric, Here's what I'm gonna do. You need some loving. I'm gonna fix you up with George Steinbrenner's daughter.
She's a hot property. And if there's one thing I know, it's the business of hot properties. My bedroom is a tip-top shape.
I think it's only fair that I'm allowed to go out and paint the town red. I disagree. This is our first private meeting as a family. here's what's gonna happen for the rest of the evening.
We're gonna play some games. More specifically the game of Jenga. I think we should play Monopoly with real money and real properties. Dad in my opinion, I think we should play the most successful and dynamic board game on the market trump the game. Dad really think we should play Jenga. I disagree. I think we should play Jenga.
I think this is a very successful family hug. I only wish someone was here to take a picture of it. I want to reenact this pose later. When in Style Magazine is here, it's gonna be the best selling issue in Style Magazine has ever had. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Gladys_Deb_Rex_Local_News_October_23 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, you're joined today of course by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker, editor-at-large how are you Errol? Yeah good Clancy, how are you going mate? And Wendell how are you mate? Very well Grand Final Weekend coming up and I am champing at the bit, so let's get into it. What's first in the news?
Start off down south with another story from the Hot Mess Gladys saga and Hot Mess Gladys has bad hangxiety after getting pissed and spending 250 million dollars on dodgy grants. Yes, nothing like a 250 million dollar black hole in your bank account to really drive the hangover home, I mean I'm personally surprised that she didn't just employ the foolproof method of not checking your bank account until you're feeling human again. I think the ICAC took that privilege away from her with allegations she potentially greenlit hundreds of millions of dollars worth of grants for marginal seats without any paperwork. Just another week for Hot Mess Gladys, when will it all end? Drama drama drama and Philip Colebrook hopes it ends soon, he left a comment on that story saying, leave her alone you labour bastard scum of the earth, you have that black-haired thing running the Labour Party in New South Wales, could not run a country shithouse. Rather emotive language there from Philip Colebrook. I'm not sure it makes that much sense but there you go. I'm starting to wonder who the snowflakes are anymore.
We'll move on to a state political story from up here in Queensland now and the LNP has promised to tackle youth crime by locking up any Murray kid who dares to make a sound after 8pm. It's like they almost care about youth crime when there's an election around the corner. Yes, it's almost like they actually don't want to solve the problem, but the dog whistle is out and about. The LNP have detailed a controversial plan to introduce a juvenile curfew to tackle rising youth crime in Far North Queensland by just locking up. Any kids who make a sound after the sun goes down, funnily enough these curfews will be rolled out in predominantly indigenous communities. It won't stop the drinking in the park in Ascot though, that's for sure. Nope, won't stop all those kids underage drinking under the grandstands down at Ballymore, I'll tell you that much for free.
I don't think Deb wants to stop those, and in some national news now, a survey reveals seven in ten white people are currently in Byron Bay. Yes, the place is flooded by new locals and aspiring new locals as the nation's white yuppies flock to the northern rivers of New South Wales, or the northern shivers as it's also known, for its strong anti-vax movement. I mean it does make sense, you do get the international flavour of a European holiday, it costs about the same, so it kind of feels like you do have a real holiday when you get up there. Yeah, you get those valuable, grammable shots, and there is heaps of Aussies everywhere you look, so just like Europe.
And in a story from here in town now, a Rex pilot has apologised to passengers for repeatedly stalling as he's not used to driving a Boeing. Yes, the nation's little airline has finally got their hands on a new Boeing 737, hope it's not an Air Max, this week in their quest to take on Qantas and the airline formerly known as Virgin, which means for the pilots of Rex, it's going to be a bit of a challenge. Yes, because the Saabs they usually drive are in auto, and these big planes have a heavy clutch and about 28 gears, so any auto drivers know it takes a fair while to get the hang of driving stick if you haven't done so for a while. Mate, it is a long way up, even from those old three on the tree Cessnas that they probably learnt on. And Jake Nickolou left a comment on that story saying, there is nothing like boarding a Rex flight and seeing your pilot has acne and a signed permission slip from his mum. Yeah, well it reminds me the last time I got on that airline, the pilots didn't even bother shutting the door when they were talking about how pissed they got the night before up the cross, so. The duct tape on the wings always fills you with confidence as well, and in some other local news now, two pissed blokes make plans to get pissed again tomorrow.
Yes, a planned forge on the back of some sheer Friday afternoon euphoria this was, two blind drunk morons in the front bar of Matuda's Lord Gippman hotel got talking about what their plan was for the rest of the weekend, which included a lot of sporting events. And after a brief, but wound up chat, they decided to do it all again, same place, same time. Here we go, the silly season is about to launch into full swing. Yeah, quite troublesome this year with the winter codes being pushed back so late in the year, I feel like there was never any break between finals footy and the spring carnival. Didn't get a breather, it's more of a marathon this year round. Nope, and just when you think it's all over we've got test cricket. And the NBL hopefully starting back up soon.
Woo! Anyway, that will do us for this week, thanks for tuning in and we'll talk to you again in seven days time, until then, bye bye. Hooroo, I'm Shane Heale. We'll be right back. |
cracked | why_you_re_having_worse_sex_than_your_ancestors_the_cracked_podcast | Oh boy good crowd good crowd we don't usually try to wander out in the pitch black that didn't go well I hope a lot of people are here on dates and just ready to have a romantic conversation but I should say I'm Jack I'm editor-in-chief of cracked and joining me on stage we have the writer and star of many a crack video the co-host of the Kurt Vonneguy's podcast and my occasional co-host on this podcast mr.
Michael sway next to him is the co-author of the New York Times bestseller sex at dawn he also writes for the first psychology today and the Huffington Post and hosts a podcast called tangentially speaking with dr.
Christopher Ryan and next to me is a hilarious stand-up who hosts very forward which is a monthly stand-up show she's also a writer and producer for crack please welcome Teresa Lee we're gonna be talking about concepts of love sex and romance as they've evolved over the course of human history and prehistory just make sure you remember that these all people these are all people who were probably at least your grandparents age so I mean if you your grandparents you can just put them in your head if you'd like but we do tend to edit the sex out of history I think just for that reason because it's kind of gross like to picture when you force necrophilia imagery into it yeah it's kind of gross like for instance the two historic history-based and adjectives that we have for people who hate sex and are bad at it are Victorian and puritanical and those are both and Republican yeah history a new contender enters the fray that actually brings me to your book a little bit because there's this other effect that we've covered that in the early days of like Western Europeans coming over and settling in America there was a huge problem with people like quote going savage like defecting from you know their agricultural society civilization and like joining native tribes and that that's something that at least got edited out of the history as I learned it I assumed that based on my history that like the natives just like bowed down before our like mastery of I don't know why I'm identifying with our I'm Irish I didn't come over I wasn't an initial settler but you so you have a saying in your book remember the Yucatan the Alamo I think is how you put it forget the alum oh yeah but it while you're forgetting right yeah why not why can you describe kind of what what you're talking about that well the Yucatan the story with the Yucatan is that when the first Spaniards were sort of exploring the coast of the you could what we call the Yucatan now they pulled in India and the Indians came out on their canoes and they pulled one up on the deck of the boat and the captain said what's you know como se llama esta tiara what's the name of this land and the Indian looked at him and said Yucatan and they said okay great it's called is Yucatan we now declare this Spanish territory blah blah blah then in the 70s an American graduate student studying linguistics was doing her doctoral research on Mayan dialects ancient Mayan dialects and she figured out that Yucatan meant I don't understand you yeah so every spring American college students go to the I don't understand you Peninsula so yeah in the book you know we sort of use that as a way to say remember you know remember the Yucatan forget the Alamo because you the point is we think we understand things but when you actually dig into the original source material you find out you actually don't understand it you know for example one of the points we make in the book is anthropologists will often say or this sort of a scientific literature says well marriage is a human universal every society that's ever been studied practices marriage so now we know marriage is a human universal but when you actually go and look at the reports written by the anthropologists in the field you see things like well you know so-and-so moved her hammock next to his so they're married right there's no exchange of property there's no expectation of sexual monogamy there's no expectation of paternal care for children there's no like in-law dinners on Sundays there's none of that and yet he says they're married and then oh she moved her hammock back to her mother near her mother's well I guess they're divorced well what the hell does that mean you know we call it marriage that's not marriage you're saying I need to get a hammock get a hammock everybody should have a hammock yeah and I believe in the book you're for that as Flintstone ization Flintstone ization yeah sort of the idea that we want to project I mean God it's so human to anthropomorphize anything look at Pixar look at a sops fables but certainly that seems to then have also infiltrated science right we want even people from the past to be like we are yeah we assume that the past especially the distant past it was sort of like this just a little cruder so we assume there were nuclear families we assume you know this sort of this central organizing principle of a lot of evolutionary psychology is that men have an exchange with women there's a there's this economic exchange at the heart of male-female human sexual evolution which is that women trade fidelity for certain things from men they so a woman who says okay I'll only fuck you in exchange for the meat that you bring back this guy knows what we're talking about right yeah you I'm talking to you who I can't see by the way we can't see it's okay don't worry but I know there's a guy right about there and so that's assumed to be at the heart of human sexual evolution because the man wants to be sure that any babies are his otherwise why would he provision those babies why would he invest in those babies this assumes a nuclear family this assumes that a guy can go out shoot a deer come home and share it with his wife and his kids like some sort of prehistoric suburbia right that's not how hunter-gatherer people live at all so that's politics or economics that is sort of infested the scientific narrative and people buy it just because they look around at the world and they don't have the imagination or the data in many cases to actually re-envision it in a way that's more accurate and also radically different from the world that we live in there's also just a lot of history if I have to accurately understand all of it like I think there's a natural process of boiling down the narrative into one that you can carry around in your head of what you think history is and it's almost never accurate or we wouldn't have jobs right so you're saying the Flintstones wasn't accurate like historically the live-action film one was yeah right okay animated is a crock of shit yeah so you know the Flintstones was sorry to interrupt you but the Flintstones was the first show to ever have a woman be pregnant and carry her pregnancy to term have a baby it's the first character to do that and also the first characters to sleep to a man a wife man and a wife to sleep together in the same bed that was hot you're right yeah I think the thing I had always heard is that like men are primarily concerned with you know their paternity so like if their wife has a child like they're dead set on making sure that that baby is theirs and some of the hunter-gatherer tribes you're saying like everybody is having sex with each other and then the baby is just like belongs to the tribe kind of it belongs to many different men nobody they don't have DNA testing as far as I know and so they it's like there's there's not that instinct of jealousy like a lot of our culture has that built-in like idea of jealousy is like part of the currency and if you start from that like sort of like atomic part where like everybody like you don't care really who who's the father then I feel like it makes a little bit more sense to me but I do think that one like we couldn't have this many people on earth if we had just never invented agriculture right like the way when we were hunter-gatherers our population doubled every what 200 years or something no I think it was it was thousands of years it was very very slow growth population growth until the advent of agriculture right but there are a bunch of different questions in there there's there's the jealousy question then there's the is is agriculture and civilization inevitable question as far as jealousy goes I don't want to misrepresent things there is jealousy and hunter-gatherers and men do sometimes fight over women and in some societies that's the most common trigger of violence so there can be jealousy even in societies where resources are widely shared jealousy I see jealousy as an expression of insecurity so in that sense it's innate just most mammals feel insecurity and are afraid of losing something that's important to them but the way we there are societies that downplay jealousy like many of the ones we talk about in sex at dawn and there are societies that accentuate jealousy and this sort of possessive understanding of relationships she's my wife she that's my kid that's my my my right and we get that indoctrination very early and we're talking about Valentine's Day you know be mine you know like you're third grade you're getting little be minehearts and then you you know mass culture like we talk about when a man loves a woman right he'll sleep out in the rain if she says that's how it has to be he'll turn his back on his best friend or you know every breath you take is a love song what that's a stalker song what are you talking about that's where I take all my cues from can't you see you belong to me you know so there's this our society encourages that sense and also because we live in a scarcity-based society if you lose your lover you might be alone for a long time or maybe forever right because it's not like easily shared like oh she's got a husband so what she's sleeping with him and me too like it there's not that easy access to sexuality all of which encourages this very sort of possessive freaked out jealous view of things you have an interesting quote from someone that civilization is based on blocked sexual energy the Freud Freud yeah the idea that like because civilization like put all these like unnatural sort of barriers in the path of people expressing their sexuality that that kind of turned it people's energies in other directions do you think that's why like so many like rockets and blimps are all dick-shaped and like cigars and because like new is your new and blimp shaped check yeah perfect oh yeah like Newton does have a little basket at the bottom in the center yeah that's where the only reason cracked exists we're all virgins and we have to make a website to get our energy out you know as in so many cases we only hear about a certain segment of the population in fact there were more prostitutes per capita in London during the Victorian era than ever before or since somebody was right I mean there was sexuality was rampant but it was not spoken about it was not in you know the five percent of the population that was literate wasn't writing about it except for a few memoirs that were very juicy and anonymous but you know the average people were having sex like crazy as they generally do what you find with sexual morality is that it applies to the sort of middle class the sort of professional class the everyone below that they're doing whatever the hell they want and the upper crust are doing whatever the hell they want so it's just the sort of normal people who have to follow the rules what you also talked about how back back in the day like masturbation for a woman was so looked down on that doctors would have to they called it a disease and they would just service the woman but they had to do it in a way that was like medical that was the only way they could get that energy out yeah they were provoking a nervous paroxysm yeah late 19th century early 20th century the number one reason for a woman in England in the US where these records were being kept the number one reason for her to go to a doctor was to be treated for hysteria difficulty sleeping moodiness you know just basically she wasn't getting any and so she would go to the doctor and the doctor would treat her by having her lie on a table inserting two fingers into her vagina and then with his other hand sort of rubbing her clitoris and doing this thing with his fingers and one there are all these like medical articles in journals describing the process and how to do this very serious and learned and Marla and you know and then you know he would the same people by the way who would be like the female orgasm is a myth right exactly women don't let me treat this patient women don't like sex but they need these treatments and it was perfect because nobody died and nobody got better it's perfect right so they just keep coming to the office and these doctors were like yeah damn I elbow her so somebody was like this is the time of Ford and you know the conveyor belts and you know all this kind of stuff so somebody was like there must be a way to mechanize this thing and so they started inventing machines that could do this so the doctor could treat a dozen women at once and so the first ones were like diesel-powered you know just like the coal miners now there was some guy who was like my grandfather treated paroxysm my father treated paroxysm now they're bringing in this goddamn robot where all the good vibratory jobs in this country thank you thank you bring back handcrafted orgasms artisanal artisanal I think in the 20s there were more vibrators than toasters in American homes it was one of the five most sold electrical appliances ever I mean at the when electrical appliances began to be sold so it and it was all like you know my shoulders a little tight yeah yeah that's how vibrators were invented and cereal too right cereal was created to make women come yeah frosted flakes the idea was that spicy food may excited the sexual response so you wanted to have young boys particularly eat the blandest food possible which is why they came up with corn flakes and graham crackers because if you gave him any sort of spice at all he'd pop a boner and want to go jerk off so that's the origin of all these like bland cereal foods and graham crackers as well that's why there's so many Asian people because we like spicy foods checks out probably not that much time to go into it but if you guys are interested you should check out the book because I really like all the stuff you talk about how like society has tried to suppress idea that women enjoy sex for so long and you go into how like women generally are the more sexual gender and it's just so interesting to me because even now I think like you can't even important like it tends to be you know it's all about male pleasure and and that's really interesting to me yeah like even the nature of the orgasm is like a clue as to this idea because the the male orgasm tends to come it's a man yeah tends to come first and whereas women like you know take some revving up and then like can have multiple orgasms so like why why were they built that way if they were supposed to only have one partner who like disappointed them every single time they had sex like I am I'm bisexual and I like men because I like attention and I like woman cuz I like to come so like using our Hobbesian imagination like trying to imagine how we got to this world like this version of things where like it's strictly monogamous and you know that that's what we think is natural like do we just think that like people like Kellogg just at like some point in the past just sort of wrestled control away from the people who were getting late and being happy or like how do how do you imagine that was there a media campaign right to be like America links sex to not even America I guess I don't see how the sort of sexist culture follows from agriculture inevitably you know so like who right decided women had to be property so the key is that when you you know hunter gatherers have no private property so there's no there's no concern with inheritance once you have private property you've got this herd of sheep that you've spent your lifetime you know growing you've got this land that you paid for with your sweat or your father gave to you or whatever then it becomes really important like who's gonna get this when I die well I want my kids to have it okay how do I know they're my kids the only way I can know they're my kids is that I control her behavior totally so my ownership of her is this is a part of my ownership of everything else also with the advent of agriculture you also have domestication of animals so for the first time people are very clearly seeing like that black bull fuck that white cow and now we got these black and white calves I get it I see what happened there right so it becomes very clear that one sex act can result in in babies so science ruined everything that's what I thought no I'm just joking I would say private property ruined everything sure that's it for us you guys give it up for Teresa Lee dr.
Christopher Ryan and Michael Swain hey everybody thanks for watching whatever video that was make sure to like it with a button and subscribe to our channel and normally I do like like a bit or like a joke or something like here but instead watch out for all these marbles |
dropout | the_schining_outtakes | Hey I've eaten too many good snacks We have so many inside jokes from just this short trip, I don't know I'll ever explain them to keep hey I Said to them my mouth is a toilet male And that's when I knew that I had to use the bathroom When you said your mouth was a Tailgating I Girl who was murdered by an axe and then watched her sister get murdered by an act. No, that's impossible rap. You maniac. Yeah, those are all Say fuckable normal fuckable An elevator full of blood Oh period sex a vegetarian who was eaten by a horny cow Yeah, and an Irish nanny who died chasing a ball. No to everyone was she in her period I don't know still no though. Not because of the period thing. She's dead. Yeah, great ruffs down with period sex, too Whoa, whoa, that's your I was gonna say that ice is too small, but that is a large hunk of ice Oh No, you're using your finger this is to balance on me. Yeah you and every other bar For pillars old Tom's boards bingle bangles You have a good near Friday up fuck me keep wouldn't call it shrimp Friday out though, which is not fine I should kill my writers Yeah, like most sketches are like three to five pages and this is It's like 600 Trap if that's what you feel I had a sneeze coming out and I couldn't I could get to the line Jordan and makeup he looks a little He's a woman. He's bigger woman and he's I Warned you don't I said I'm gonna be on the other side of the room. Well, check it out It's the sketch that Mike's been working on like why Oh That's fun, it just makes me laugh Oh It's anybody here Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for other fun stuff and thank you so much for watching I loved my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video Things are great |
dropout | prom | Whoo, everybody, welcome back to the seventh episode of Tales from the Closet. Maybe you're watching this and you are in the closet. Well, we're here to keep you company. Maybe you're outside of the closet, far away, and you don't wanna talk about it anymore.
Well, too bad, that's all we're gonna talk about today.
I'm your host, Ally Beardsley. Today we have, thank you, today we have an amazing show.
If you're watching this on CH2, on YouTube, know that you could've watched this a week earlier if you subscribed to Dropout. That's right, this is a commercial. For only $4.99 a month, maybe it's more. $5.99, for only $5.99 a month, use promo code DROPOUT today. No, I'm kidding, there's no promo code.
Listen, I've made a mess of this and it's uneditable. So, no, we have an amazing show.
Please follow us on Instagram and please send in questions. Every now and then we will post an anonymous survey and you'll see us answer some of those questions later on today. And so we really appreciate your thoughtful and sweet questions and I love you, okay?
Great, let's kick this off. Up first we have Sophia. Introduce yourself, who are you?
I'm Sophia, I am an artist based in Los Angeles and my pronouns are she, her, and I identify as gay. Yes, yay, up next. Hello, my name is John Early. I am, thank you, I'm a comedian. Based in Los Angeles as well. And my pronouns are he, him, and I also identify as gay. All right. Next up. I'm Simone, also based in Los Angeles. I'm a photographer. My pronouns are she, her, and I'm also gay, so hey.
Look at that. It's crazy. All four of us. It's so crazy. Wow. It's crazy.
I sought out to make the show I wish I had when I was young and I don't say that to sound bitter and I know it can. I mean that in a positive way. You're screaming right now, so to be clear.
I could not have had coffee.
You're not bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm better. Don't get bitter, get better.
All right, so how the show works is we kind of talk. Sometimes I feel like being in the closet can look different for everybody. For me, very conservative religious upbringing in the closet. I've told stories on here about.
I had no idea. Yeah, you have no idea about that? I really didn't know.
You were religious, right? No. Me personally somehow managed to not be religious but my parents were ministers.
Oh my god. The group architecture. How'd that happen? It's huge.
Well, they're very, thank god, they're very kind of progressive, like met in divinity school like in the 70s. Like, they're so not that. But yeah, they thankfully are not evangelical.
I mean, it's fine if you are, I guess. But for me, they were kind of like progressive, kind of lukewarm, like easy breezy Protestantism. And thankfully that kind of ease gave me some space to be like, no. Yeah. That's great. But I didn't know that about you. Yeah, no. Mine was like a very electric guitar, like conservative, yeah, full Britney Spears mic, like yeah.
And it was just like impossible to be gay. I was just like, this, I can never come out.
This will never leave my lips. And yeah, I feel like I've told this story so many times.
We can have coffee later. Okay. Honestly, I'll table that.
But yeah, and the crazy thing is my brother also gay. 100% of my conservative Christian parents, kids, gay.
Hell yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. Honestly. A gift to you.
But yeah, what are some times that you guys felt like, oh, wow, I'm different. I might be gay. I mean, I feel like from a pretty young age, like from middle school, I didn't feel boy crazy, boy obsessed, I didn't feel as pulled in this direction. So I felt this need to kind of like force it and feign interest and like, just kind of wanted to hang out with my girlfriend, kick it with them, I don't know. It just never felt, it never clicked, really. I spent a lot of my time thinking that everyone was gay and that only, and everyone had like figured it out, like how to like pretend.
Oh yeah. So I was like, wow. Like all the boy crazy stuff, I like tried that on. For like a time in my life. Yeah, sure, I'll like be like, I'm obsessed with Paul. And it was like, I've just taught myself to say this. Just felt very disingenuous. Yeah, fully. I remember being in like a daycare program. Also, my parents are academics. So I literally like experienced no resistance. Like every morning, my mom would be like, so are you gay? And then I was like, stop it, you know what I mean? But that was my resistance because it was like, you're trying to make me, you know. And so, and then it took like longer than most of my religious friends, unfortunately. But like when I was in daycare as a kid, like now I'm like, okay, that was a moment.
Like I had this friend named Claire and she had these long thick braids. And I would like early during nap time, I would like take her braid and put it in my mouth.
Which I think is honestly one of the first like gayest things I've ever done. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh my God. I loved her braids. I'm obsessed with that like unadulterated kink. Out there somewhere, you know, it's like, we've all learned. It's like, and then I have a whip.
But it's like, what if I could just do anything? What would I do? Could I put a braid in my mouth?
Probably. Probably, yeah.
The kinkiest shit I ever did was as a kid.
Yeah, same. Oh yeah. Well, no. That is what this podcast is about.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's when I knew I was gay. Or that's when I was like, I have a family, I'm like fully nude, like tied up with my best friend. Like, maybe I'm gay?
Something. Oh my God. I'm like plumping my best friend in a dress. And I'm like, something's off. I don't like it. Something's a mess. Yeah. Oh my God. Hope that helps.
Begging my neighbor to spank me going, I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, like, I feel like in middle school too, it was always truth or dare. Like, I dare you to like, jump into the pool naked. The amount of times I pretended to be asleep, while like people were drawing on my back just to be like, the attention.
Oh, the thing. The soft tingle down my spine. Yeah. That's so funny. Makeovers, it's just like women surrounding you with like a small brush, like brushing your skin. And you're like, oh my God, yeah, I'll wear makeup. You're like, I'll go, yeah, I guess, I'll do it. Sure. Oh my gosh. Yeah, let's see.
I had something that I, what was it? I was remembering today, like, cause I'm thinking more and more, like this is a very like sexuality driven podcast, but also in a gender way, I feel very non-binary. And my brother and I, we would always be like, prototypical, like my brother would get like a boy toy for Christmas and I would get a girl toy.
And then we would just like secretly trade. Cause we were like, yes, thank God. Yeah, it like worked out perfectly.
But I'm like, what is that? Like what, I wonder what was happening there?
Cause my mom's not that binary of a woman, but I think it was just like safe. It was like the default. It's just our culture too.
I think so too, yeah. Like the literal toy store is like blue, pink. You know what I mean? I mean, maybe not now, but yeah. But honestly, maybe still. I have no idea. Thinking of like, cause for me liking like, I want a basketball was like totally fine.
But then when my brother wanted like a ribbon dancer, he wanted one so bad. I had to make my own toilet paper. I was naked holding a ribbon dancer, humbling my best friend. Yeah, no, but then my mom like got one for him, but like hid it in her purse and like passed it off secretly so he could still have it. But still like, what goes like the shame involved in your mom, like mafia bossing ribbon.
It's crazy too because like toys are really gendered, but also like they have all these dolls you have to take care of and like it's instilling very early, like this motherhood thing, this like maternal instinct that like young girls should have from the jump and like boys don't get dolls that pee and need to be, I mean, everyone had like a Tamagotchi or whatever, but like it's totally. No boys get machine guns.
Yeah, it's crazy. It's horrifying. It's so crazy. So scary.
A machine gun or a baby?
Like pick your phallus. Yeah, it's gonna be. Pick your phallus.
It's a bright joke.
The time is now. Yeah, do you feel like your parents, when did you come out to your parents? Did they get it? Were they? I literally- You guys have the same parents. We have a- You do?
Oh my God. No, then you go.
Well, I mean like I feel like my parents, I had a boyfriend in high school, but it was kind of unconvincing. I also just didn't really have him around that much, but like I came out to them my first year of college. So when it was like 18, 19. But similar to what you were saying, it was getting to a point where my parents were just like, oh, like prepping me with these talks of like, you know, like it's fine. Like whoever it might be, are you seeing anyone? Like they were just like really grooming me to just be like, I'm gay. And like I was just being so overly like, oh no, like just so avoidant. Yeah. To a point where it was becoming kind of ridiculous.
And like my dad is so awkward about that stuff, but even he was like, yeah, like he was working at a gay church actually, like playing the piano. What's a gay church?
Exactly. He was like texting me pictures of him like marching at gay pride. And here I am like wringing my hands, like, oh, I just, I couldn't possibly like tell them anything. This is not safe. Oh my God. Like, and it was, you know, so easy anyway. Well, there's also just like the general resentment that I feel like every queer person wakes up into. Just like, I can't believe I have to do this. Yeah. Just like, it's so, I was so furious about that. And I, like you, I was very lucky to have parents who were like hinting, trying to get me, you know, but like, it was just, I was so furious that I even had to do it. Because it's such a straight world. So you have to come out as other than this like.
And all the time, repeatedly. True. Constantly.
And like, also there's such a, I always had such trouble with like, the kind of tone of the conversation, obviously. Like, I feel like I wasn't, you're not forgiven many examples. I mean, this is why this podcast is so great.
Yeah. And then, I think, end it there. Cut.
And credit rolls. You've never done credit rolls.
But like, I didn't have, the only kind of tonal example of coming out is like, sitting your family down and like sobbing and being like, mom, dad, like, I love you guys and I'm gay. You know, like, or it's full trauma, you know, or it's like, get out of the house.
Yeah, totally. Yeah. Both, by the way, happen, both are valid.
It's like, but like, for someone like me, I needed, I, also I was like, actively avoiding the kind of sentimentality of like, the south and like, religion and like, Okay, you're from? Nashville. Nashville, wow.
So like, you know, I grew up very resistant to that kind of like, shmaltziness and over simplification of like, feelings, you know. And I turned to like, comedy, you know, to give me like, another way to be, you know, another way to like, think and feel and like, and like, and so the coming out conversation was always so limiting and not in my language. It just, I was like, this level of like, kind of like, huh.
Yeah.
Like that, that's not me, you know? Homework, movie, kind of like, it would be so nice if like, it had gone down, like my mom was like, are you dating any boys? And I would have just been like, oh, actually I'm gay. And she'd be like, oh.
Right, right. It was like, in a dream world. Totally. No like, stakes or like, you know.
I came out last year, when I was 29. And, but it was like a slow process, but I was actually, I started coming out like, through comedy. Like, doing, because it was like, oh, I'm coming into myself as this comedian and this artist, and I was writing bits that I was like, I'm gay.
Like, I'm not kidding. Oh my god, amazing. Like, writing these like, dike bits. You know what I mean? And then I went home to my parents house and I wasn't even like, planning to come out or whatever, I was just talking to them and I was in a relationship at the time and I was just like, you know what? You know, they were asking about him and I was like, you know what? I don't even know that that's gonna last. And then I was like, and I also, and it just started coming, like unfurling. Wow. That's amazing. And it was fully like, you know what I mean? Like sobbing. And you know, I like don't have that connection with my parents whatsoever, but it was like a moment like that for us. And then my mom truly, my parents are actors and they're like, I mean, they do other stuff too, but like at their core, they're actors. Yeah. They were like, that's really nice, honey. You know, and my mom's like, me too. You know what I mean? Like, oh, it like takes the stage, you know? And I was like, okay. You know, I was like, this is actually, but I wanted to be supportive, you know, cause coming out's hard. So I was like, yeah, yeah.
Oh my God. You're doing great. Me too. Literal. Oh my God, yes. Literal. I can't believe you don't call me that.
Which is like amazing. But it was also like.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks. We may not have one minute. Oh, this is still a limelight. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. Mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, sometimes like you'd like, for me, it was like pure avoidance until I absolutely had to say something. Yeah. Which is how I am in most areas of my life. Like you've been through the world. Yeah. It's like, I have to be so up against a wall. Like, I can't, yeah. So like, it does take some resistance. And it's like, sometimes if you grow up with parents who are like, no, whatever you want. Yeah. It's hard to like define yourself in total like, a friend of mine says that like religion actually accelerates coming out. Yeah. Because you're like so aware. Yeah. And you're being put, you're being like, no, no, no, no. That you're like, I feel. Someone's like, this is wrong. Yeah, yeah. Versus like, who know? You know, you're kind of like floating. Totally. Yeah.
It is really interesting that you guys found a lot of that through like writing and comedy. I always feel, I get a lot of messages and stuff that are like, I don't know if I'm gay. And I'm like, just even the question of that, like explore that, write about that or something. That will help you. I think for me too, I felt like a lot of awkwardness about being queer, particularly in high school, cause I didn't have a ton of examples of queer people. Like my like realization experience was like binge watching the L word.
Totally.
Like I had this boyfriend and he had this older sister Teresa. She was a dance teacher and she was always like running marathon, like super fit and she was gay. And she had like every season of the L word on DVD. So I would just borrow Teresa's DVDs. And she was just so cute.
I love Teresa. Imagine, you know Teresa knew exactly what was happening.
She's like, yeah, give my brother's girlfriend my L word. Borrow these DVDs girl, have fun.
Wake up. Yeah. Exactly.
But it was like, I didn't really, that was like kind of my only window. And so like, I feel like queer is kind of like more of a recent thing. Like I feel like maybe 10 years ago, like it was more like, I'm a lesbian.
Totally. It's all caricatures. Yeah. Totally. It literally was like queerest folk or the L word. Yeah. Those were like the two, that was like the binary. Yeah. And if you didn't look like that or like feel like that like West Hollywood gay, you were just kind of like, who am I? Yeah.
What is this? And even like those were all kind of on like, what were they on HBO?
Show time.
Yeah. I didn't. Can I say that? I don't show time. You just got some sponsor money. We should have totals underneath our faces. To me. Anyway, I was drinking a Sprite. And no, but I didn't get those channels.
So all I had were like the sitcom versions of gay, which was like Home Depot Woman, L-O-L, like Jack from Will and Grace, L-O-L.
Yeah. I don't think I met like just a sincerely gay person until college. Yeah. It shocked me. Yeah. It shocked me. When I was a kid, it was like Diane Arbus or Rocky Horror or like Robert Maplethor. And I was just like, I don't know if I'm this type of gay. Yeah. It's so intense. It's just like, whoa, like, okay.
I'm straight.
Yeah. Like bondage leather gay as your first example. Totally. That's kind of how I felt.
Like when I first moved to LA, I was like, okay, I need to go to a gay bar. I've seen the TV shows. I need to be sitting at the gay bar with a beer in my hand like this. And I'm gonna meet someone I love.
You know? And it's like, no. And it's just booming club music. And you're like, okay, I'm here alone. When's it gonna happen? Yeah. I hear you. Yeah.
Did you guys go out when you came out much? Or did you go the club route? Or did you go the political gay route? Did you go the...
We do. That's when you got into politics. Oh yeah, that. No, thank you. That's when I started running for office. We all know gay is a gateway to political.
I'm still running. I didn't go out enough. I do kind of mourn.
Part of my childhood, my upbringing was about being good. About being safe and good.
I'm not gonna make any waves. And that was what was hard about coming out for me was I felt like coming out did create a huge wave.
Even though my parents were ultimately angels about it. And thank God, I was very lucky in that regard.
But I unfortunately, I don't know. I never, there is always, and I know we like, I've peeked at the questions, okay? I know we have a question about the delayed adolescence thing.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I feel like I'm still working through this kind of anger of like, you know, I feel like I still deserve a kind of wild exploratory time. Totally. I mean it comes in little bursts, but I still haven't done it or something. Totally, yeah.
The question in question is, let's see, did someone write their name? No, this is an anonymous question.
Something I have been dealing with is the arrested development thing or suspended gay adolescence. Leaving out the rebellious teen years I didn't really get to have when I was in the closet. I'm at the age where a lot of my straight friends want stability and commitment, but I still just want to hook up in the backseat of a car, so I feel a bit of disconnect from other people my age. Have you experienced anything like this?
Yeah, totally. Yeah. I would agree. Totally. There's like this kind of like, I don't know, like high school, like, ooh, I just had a bunch of weird sex or something that I feel like I missed out on. Yeah. Not ever having gotten to kiss someone I wanted to kiss until I was like 24 or, you know? Yeah.
I feel like for me, I mean I had those weird experiences in high school, but like with a guy. Same. So it just didn't really resonate in the same way. And then when I did come out at 19, I had a girlfriend, but then I was like single for a year, and that year could have been so cool. But that year was not that cool because I was like feeling kind of awkward about it still. I also like think it's super funny because I had an OKCupid profile and I was going on all these dates. And like there was interest, there was like mutually expressed interest, but I was like cock blocking myself.
Oh same, yeah. So I just like kept turning into like, you're my best friend. Yeah.
It could have been something cute. Let's do this. It could have been something fun and like I kept like, my confidence was not there so I would just like go on these dates and like kind of sabotage it and like put it in a very like distinctively friendzony space. So I wasn't having those like wilds, I wish I had, I wish I'd been like let's do this. Yeah, I feel like I missed a really like important opportunity in my life too and it's not my fault. It is the culture at large. I missed a really incredible opportunity to normalize desire. To normalize like gay desire, queer desire, and to normalize being desired.
Totally. And like I still feel angry about that. Oh totally.
I also, one thing I did to try to be like, so much of my early kind of identity and I don't mean my last name, I mean like. My early identity. My brand. My, the identity of my youth was like built on this like, what I didn't realize then was a kind of gay shame which was like, I actually, I don't know, I just, I'm not a kind of clubbing gay. I'm not that kind of gay.
I actually just like weirdly want kids. Yeah. You know, I weirdly want just kind of cozy home domestic. And you know, part of that is authentic. I do love like cooking. Safiya knows this about me. You know, like I do love like kind of domestic fantasy too. And like, and I embrace that and own it.
But then another part of me knows that like the origins of that is from kind of needing to be a non-threatening gay person. Like kind of neutering yourself and just being very like, to be like, to be like, to be like, to be like, to be like, I actually like, I want like, there's something so sinister that I've kind of realized about this like desire for kids. It's like, it wasn't organic. It was like, it was a way of, it's like, I'm like, I'm realizing like the origins of that are like, literally the subjects is like, I'm not a pedophile. You want to conform. You know what I mean? Like because of the myth that, you know, gay people are pedophiles. It's like, Especially in religion.
Yeah. Exactly. It's like sexual deviation. Yeah.
It's like, no, no, no, I actually have a very pure relationship to children. I want to teach. And I ultimately want kids myself.
Thank you. You know, like, it's like, it's like, and kind of in recent years, kind of waking up to that and be like, oh my God. And then being like, and then I missed all these opportunities to like, in the kind of sweet spot where you're kind of young and dumb enough. Yeah.
And I mean that, like, you know, it's like, I know that it's not as like maybe neat as I'm making it out to seem, but like, but I, there is a really like incredible, it's first of all, it's never too late. It's never too late.
Yeah. I just want to speak to that idea of like arrested development because time is just like heteronormative in general. Yes.
And just the idea that like, we're going in one direction is like completely absurd. And it's just like, no, we're like constantly going back to like relive the childhood, to like explore the childhood we never had, to explore the adolescence we never had. And there's nothing like really hinged on that, except I got to freeze my eggs.
You know what I mean? But like, like you can do that at any time. And I just think like fucking in the backseat, sorry, having sex in the backseat. You can curse. Okay. Is like not, not adult. Like, I think that's so hot and like so needed and like, and like, if you're in a marriage and you're not doing that, like I'm sorry for you. Or you know what I mean? Like that truly should be like part of the underpinnings of like your strong marriage. And yeah, I just think it's just like, go there whenever you need to. And I relate to that idea of like the desire, like still, I'm still getting comfortable, of course, with the idea of like desiring and being desired. You know what I mean?
Like in a queer way. And I had an extremely rebellious adolescence, like full of drugs and like insanity, but like, you know, and it was just like, ew, you know? Totally. So I don't really want to like rebel or have this like crazy time, but I do want to sit in that like desire. Yes, exactly. I don't, I don't mean to, I did mean to romanticize like kind of youthful, like wildness, whatever. But like it, that is something I keep learning that it's actually, it is pure kind of like false romanticization. It's like, like you can, you can be as wild as you want whenever you want, but it's, the desire part of it, it's like you like, it is like ultimately I think good for human beings as a species to like at a young, like kind of like malleable age, that it's good to learn at a young age that it's okay to like, like certain people and to be desired by them and that you're, so it's like that, that is one of the challenges of being queer is like you often get kind of taught the wrong thing. Yeah, I think we kind of like crave a normalcy too.
We're like, oh, I want to be at home and I want to like work on that family unit and anything outside of that, because being gay already feels fringe. So it's like I can't add any more fringe to that. I'm going to show that I'm one of like the good upstanding gays, you know, and like trying to be this kind of like model gay that's like, oh, good morning to you neighbor.
A politician. And it's like, once again, in politics. Politicians. Hi.
I think this trajectory though, that's typically kind of heteronormative of like, you go through your rebellious high school years, then you get married, then you have some kids and like life is figured out. It's so unrealistic because we're forever, as you were saying, experiencing adolescence in adulthood. We're forever like relearning things and gaining confidence and becoming wise. And like, it's not realistic to like, think that you're going to have everything figured out at a certain point in your life.
And then that's a closed chapter. And that's just another way of like following the flags to like the right life. And you can do that and end up completely empty. Spend the time and work on loving yourself and finding your own love.
And like, yeah, sorry. No, no, please.
And I just think it's so important to be an integrated, to be like an integrated adult, to keep allowing yourself play time and experimentation. Like that's like my true nightmare. Like being an adult that's like, I'm just setting my ways. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Please keep experimenting and go wild. Absolutely. There's no rules. Even with the picket fence and kids honestly. Yeah. And that's what I'm learning is like, make the picket fence a kink. Yeah. Absolutely.
It's not like, maybe I don't work in like a kind of club kink situation. Maybe what I need to do is turn my like full like domestic, like Turkey ricotta meatball. Like turn that fantasy into like fucking take the meatball.
Yeah, yeah. But isn't that what like being queer is all about? It's about all a cart, what works for you. Catering your life. It's not about like what is laid in front of you. It's like.
It's not the prefix. Yeah, it's not the prefix.
Okay, can't afford that tonight. All right, great. Well, let's move on to our haunted word. And it comes with the sound effect. Get ready, baby. All right.
Our haunted word today is prom. Prom.
I lied. I lied to you guys.
No, but I, in post. Oh, there it is. Thank you so much. Who does that?
For the viewers at home, there's literally no one in here operating sound. We are in an empty Halloween super store right now.
And no, but yeah, this is just the section where we talk about passwords. We've had straight acting. We've had the word tankini. Anything that would just kind of like joke you.
So today it's prom. Did you guys all go to prom? Yeah. I went to two proms. I went to two proms too.
Wow. Okay. When do we go together? No. Interesting. I don't hear about your proms. They seem loaded. I'm sorry. But only if you want. Oh yeah, I mean, it's really kind of a, so I don't know.
So I had this boyfriend in high school. He was a little bit too old to go to prom with me. Oh, okay. He was 38. He was 38, not 38. But he could not go to prom with me. So I went with my friends, my shitty friends in high school.
Ooh. I don't know.
I mean, it was just a really bad look for me that night. I got very drunk. I actually, this was extremely embarrassing. I actually blacked out and we had this house party at a friend's place. And in the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom and the parents of this friend were home and I lost my way getting back to the couch and I got into my friend's parents' bed.
Oh, I got cutie. Yes. No. It's like with them and they were like, hey. Oh my God. Were they mad? I don't know. Yeah.
Did you spend the night or how did this go? No, I got back to the couch. Okay, okay.
I don't know what happened. That's all I know. That's when I'm like, I want to be a parent. I don't know what happened.
I want that shit. I'd be such a good parent in that moment. I would be like, oh my God, cutie.
They were not cool. They were like those parents who were trying to be cool. They were like, oh, we're cool. We let our kids drink at the house. They were not cool.
Very embarrassing. There is something sinister, ultimately, about like, let's let the kids drink at the house. It's better than driving around, obviously. The whole thing was just mortifying. It was awful. I was extremely hungover for a full 24 hours. One of those. It was just a really bad look for me and very embarrassing.
Did you go, oh, you didn't go with the date, right? Because you had an old boy.
Oh, no, no, he couldn't come. Yeah, he couldn't. He was not allowed.
So that was my prom. Damn, I went with, I went two years in a row, each with a different church friend. Okay.
Chad one year and Cameron the other. Cameron and Chad.
Okay. And it was a really great, completely sober, fun time. I ate chicken alfredo before and after. And yeah, it was very pure. Chicken alfredo.
I went one year with my best friend, Lindsay, and we like chain smoked. We were like, like I was like a goth and she was like wearing like her like, whatever, like fond Dutch, I don't know, whatever. And like, we were like chain smoking and then I was like, literally this is grotesque, but we like went anyway, because we thought we were in like ghost world, you know? Oh my gosh. And we like went anyway.
And then I danced all night with like the only guy who was like basically out at my high school named Jacinto and he like made my whole night and it was amazing. We just were like, we were like fully just like, like on the dance floor, it was so hot and fun. Amazing. Yeah, I had like very kind of an iconic like gay male prom experience where like I went every year because it was just like I was friends with older girls. So like, I just like got to go and like dance like crazy.
Like all four years? Literally all four.
Wow. He wins. I win. In the prom. Wow.
Yeah, like I think, you know, the word was out, I could dance. People knew. People knew at that point. But no, but it was, that was, it was so fun. Like dancing to, dancing was revolutionary for me as I'm sure it was for you.
Like, just the safe G. It's my language. It's my language.
And it's like, it's kind of my, it's non-sexual for me. No, totally. No, I get it. And a kind of project for me actually, recently has been like to allow sexual energy into dancing. Oh. Okay.
Do you feel like it's sensual though? Because I feel like you're a sensual dancer. Like you're eating your body. Oh, yes. You're feeling your body. Oh, I feel so in my body.
But I know what you mean, like partnering. It's not transactional. Like it's not like when I'm dancing, it's not about like communicating sexual desire, like in hopes of then like, not that that's what dancing is for everyone, but like. It can be. It can be, especially in like a kind of bar, club situation.
But like dancing for me as a kid, like was, it was sensual. It was like a safe sensuality. And it was like community. And like, it was me and my best friends. Just like, you know.
Showing off. Expressing yourself. Yeah, expressing ourselves, showing off our moves for each other.
Like, and that's what prom was. Prom was like a heaven. It was like, it was pure, like safe, like friendship. Just like going all out.
Oh my God. I love it. It was so cute. That is that like, those first like, the experimentation of like loving your body. Like, you know what I mean in that moment. And being like, I'm hot.
Crazy is the specific denomination of church that I grew up in. Dancing wasn't allowed. I can't with that. That is like a literal footloose. Nazarene.
Where did you grow up again? I grew up in Southern California.
Okay. In like Temecula area, if we know where that is. I grew up in San Diego. Oh yeah, right. So I know, yeah. Riverside County. Okay.
Yeah, and so I'm like, when I look back on that, I'm like, oh my God. I'm so like divorced from my body. And like, moving feels really like foreign. And it took so long to feel like in my body.
You're a good dancer. Get out of here. You are. No, I'm not. It takes a lot for me to dance. Yeah. You are a good dancer. Don't do this to me either. I saw you last week dancing.
On the floor? It takes, I was. I was writhing. Oh my gosh.
I do love to dance now, but having that in my makeup and in my memories of don't dance, we don't have dances. Thank God my parents, similarly, were pretty lax. And so I was like, I still got to go to school dances. And they're like, no one else in our church was supposed to go.
Wow. He's insane. Isn't that crazy? That's really crazy.
I'm just like, that is depriving someone of like the most. Expression. Yeah, of like, honestly, that's like the cardinal sakes. I can't. That's like so. Talk about a major red flag.
It's so innocent. It's just movement. It's just fun.
It's just like, I'm trapped in this vessel for God knows how long. Let me dance. You know what I mean? You're not even allowing me to look at my body and go, gah.
Well, I have this kind of secret fantasy of doing some sort of a queer prom, where countywide all the queer people can go to this. Because prom is so binary, so straight, like a horse sage and whatever. And I honestly don't know a single person who went with the same sex partner to prom.
Because it's just too early for our generation, it feels like. I wonder what the kids are doing now, though. I feel like they're changing it up. I would love to know. I know high schoolers now are just, I see them, and I'm like, whoa.
They're so cool. I'm like, I wish. So it fills me with so much hope. It's so cool. Gorgeous.
I just taught at MoMA last year. I did the teen program, and I taught a bunch of teens. And literally, it was truly months after I came out.
You know what I mean? And I was hanging out with these teens. I was like, um. And they were like, because they're just so cool, and they're so in themselves. And they're just like, yeah, I mean, I have no preference about my pronouns or whatever. And I was just like, what? And they're all just so exploratory and rooted and grounded. And I was like, I just came out. You know what I mean?
It just made me feel very behind or something, more than I already was. But they were such good teachers for me, too. I was their teacher, but I learned so much from them. It was crazy.
My little sister's 18, and she goes to Mills, which is a little windmill. Oh, Mills is so cool. Tucked up in the Oakland Hills. I love Mills.
She's in this cool little environment, but she's so, for years now, she's been so cool, and like, putting me to shame. You know, you should have composted that smile.
Like a women's college in Oakland.
Oh my god. I'm like, OK, I'm sorry. I'm so jealous.
That's so cool. It's so cool.
We will move on to, with our last time, these questions. We've read a few of them ahead of time. So let's just hop right in. Yeah, we'll hop.
We got this gorgeous one about Arrested Development. Don't shame yourself, OK?
Go for it. Someone in a car today. Exactly. Do it. You're not behind. Yeah. There's no behind. There's exactly.
And by the way, those friends who are settled down are like, boring.
Absolutely at night, or like, jerking off till thoughts of like, being in a car. We'll be divorced in T minus 3 and 1 half years. When you close your eyes and scream silently. OK, great.
Our second question is, how do I stop being too afraid to hold my boyfriend's hand in public? How do I get comfortable with PDA in general?
Or I'm not in a conservative city, but I'm still in the South, LMAO. Man, I feel that. Yeah, my first like, my first like, real relationship, which is by the way, very kind of short, but it was like, monumental.
Safai knows all about it. Safai like, truly coached me out of like, insane grief.
Aww. After her, truly. Aww, so sweet.
That was like, the first really, it was so important for me, because it was the first time I had ever like, really let someone like, be like, tender with me. And then like, I felt safe to give the tenderness back. And it was like, in our kind of private sphere, we were so like, it was so good. Because we really were like, in solitude, being like, you know like, and it was so, so nice.
And then I had such trouble being tender in public. And like, at that point was fully like, a very out, flamboyant comedian, you know what I mean? I was like, doing jokes on like, television about anal.
Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like, it was such a weird disconnect, where I was like, Bette Midler, to the world, to the world. You guys know me. We all think that. Yeah, we all, yeah.
You know, it's like, I was like, so gay. But this huge part of the kind of gay experience, which is like, you know, desire, attraction, whatever.
It's like, I felt so disconnected. And I felt terrified. I felt brave as a performer, as an artist. But as a person, I felt very, very scared, holding my boyfriend's hand in public. And it was awful.
Yeah.
And I think it's just exposure. I don't know if I actually have any advice. But hey, that's a totally normal, like, problem. I think it is normal. I think you're right. I think it just takes getting used to it and just being like, you know what?
Because I felt similar. So my first girlfriend was first year of college. And I was like, really close with like, everyone in my dorm. But they were all like, very like, giving me the side eye. Because I like, when I met them, I had a boyfriend. But it was just like, never really that convincing. Like, they were just kind of like, always kind of giving me this, like, OK, sure. And like, so I started dating this girl.
And she'd be like, can I come over? And I was always like, oh, let's just go to your place. Because she like, lived off campus and was like, a year older. And I would go to her place.
And it was like, this wonderful, like, exploratory. Like, just very like, oh, I feel so like, tender towards this person. I felt so like, for the first time, myself. And then we would come back to campus.
And I would be so weird about it. Because I was so afraid that like, my immediate friend group would abandon me. And I think, too, like, growing up, maybe in the closet, I don't know if you guys can relate to like, feelings of feeling creepy? Or a feeling, do you know what I mean?
Totally, out of sleepover at a pool party. Predatory, yeah, because you worry that like, your friends are suddenly going to be like, oh, like, she has a crush on me. This is the bachelorette party.
Oh my god. You're like, you guys know what I'm talking about. Yes, totally.
Yeah, you're afraid of like, this perception from other people. So I really kept it on the low.
And then I think what you're saying, like, I agree with, like, at a certain point, it was like, easing into the deep end of the pool. Like, just trying new things. And like, eventually I had a lip ring. And I was like, flip that. Yeah, totally. You know, like, I'm here, and I'm queer. I was at this bachelorette party that Ali mentioned last summer. And it like, came out. Or it was just like, anyway, I like my sweetie right now. And all the girls, like, literally, who are like, I work at Amex, what do you do? You know, like, I was like, I'm a performance artist. But it was like, came out that I had just come out, basically. And they were all suddenly like, you know, they were all kind of like, oh, like, should I change in front of you? Or like, you know, like, literally, that was the vibe. Wow. And I was just like, I'm not like, a hungry, like, I was like, as though I would want to date, like, a visa executive, like, from hell. Like, literally, Stephanie, like, say goodnight. You know what I mean?
Like, I am not interested in who you are whatsoever. It's always the people that it's like, laughable that you would be into them that are like, don't look at me. You know, you're like, like these old men that are like, a gay man tried to touch me.
It's like, no, he didn't know. No, he didn't. He was reaching you. That just didn't happen.
Totally. Oh, sorry. Oh, my god. Wow.
I want to speak to the PDA thing, though, because I feel like I was repressed for so long, like, in relationships with men, too, where I was like, I don't do PDA. You know what I mean? I was like, get off of me. No, we don't even make eye contact in public, honestly. And then being with queers and just being like, oh, and then truly not being able to stop. And then just the deep pride that I feel in public, where I'm just like, ooh, I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? And it's like, yeah, I will fuck all you up. Like, with this. No, that's what's happened for me, I just had to reframe it a little bit. I was like, oh, I'm actually proud. It's like, through PDA, that's where I actually finally understood the concept of pride. Like, I don't know.
And if it helps you, maybe think of how amazing it is when you see people that are comfortable giving it, when you see queer people on the street being affectionate, when you see on a plane on a train, a plane on a train on an air balloon. I'm not an air barrel. On an air balloon. It's like, think how exciting that is to see and know that you can be that for other people.
Yeah, you blaze that trail. Yeah, blaze the trail. I blaze that queer trail. Totally. With your tongue. Yeah, blaze that trail with your tongue on it.
I think PDA, I think it's honestly, it sounds like if you're coming from a place of like, is this OK, that's the fear when you're out in public. You're like, is this OK? And you're worrying too much about what other people will say.
And I feel like you're able to be so intimate when it's just the two of you, because I have the same thing, because I'm learning that it's OK. So maybe it just takes a little bit more time of fostering that. Give yourself space and time to where you know it's OK and now it doesn't matter. That's so true. Yeah, I mean, if you're scared, you shouldn't push yourself. There's no like, in five weeks, you'll be holding hands. Step two. I mean, if it is your first queer relationship, that's so accurate, because you're like in this space where you're like, oh, I'm finally acting on these things that I've wanted until I've felt this way for a while and I'm finally like, I found this connection with someone.
And you're so starved. So you're like, I'm making out in private.
Like, that's enough for me. Yeah, you're like, that's what I needed.
I got my dose. I got my queer vitamin.
Yeah, but there's always sometimes part of me that's like, oh, yeah, like, oh, is that guy following us? Or like, oh, yeah, we just got to look.
But then I'm just kind of like, and what? You know what I mean? And then my fierce Aries moon comes out and I'm just like, and what? Like, what? What did you just say? Or whatever it is.
Oh my god, I know. I'm like in a stage right now with my boyfriend or it's like, I am like on trains and stuff. I'm like. Yes. Like as people come in, I'm like. I dare you. Literally what?
Yeah, it's the best. I love it.
All right, good. And I'm 31. So just know that, you know. It's the second on the shoulder.
It's just like so benign and sweet. And it feels so radical. It's so benign.
OK, I run a queer student alliance. Thank you. I run a queer student alliance.
I can't read. This is where it all comes up. It was a tricky one for me. I pre-read the cards. I run a QSA at my high school.
But I'm really struggling to find stuff that's fun because my idea of a good time is spending half an hour reading and that doesn't translate well in a group setting. Please tell me fun ideas or something like that.
I hope everyone is happy and healthy. Thank you. So sweet.
QSA. Were you guys in QSA ever?
Are you kidding? We had a GSA. No, I was on drugs. OK, by myself. OK. Yeah, my school. Oh, sorry. No, there's no way I could join the gay student union. Because like, are you kidding me? I wasn't there yet to be an ally. I see, OK. What were you going to say?
Well, we had a GSA that like, when I was a freshman, like the senior started. It was like the seniors that I had crushes on. Yes. They started it. So like my friends and I went and literally not out of any sort of like activist impulse, like fully just for the crush. And then we like took it over when they graduated again just to impress them. Yes. They were like, we're all graduating course, like someone we were like, we would like to take over. Thank you. And like, and then they graduated and we like ran the GSA.
And we're like, fuck. Yeah, that's a lot of planning. So we just started like it would be like during the meetings or during lunch like every week. And it was just like me and my friends and we would just talk shit. Like we tried, we'd be like, OK, so the AIDS walk is this week. And then like that was like the first week.
And then the rest of it was just like, do you want to watch? What I would suggest is like watch movies, watch queer movies, like watch queer movies. I have an amazing list that I will post on my Instagram of like Dyke movies.
But I'm a cheerleader.
It's a great one. We watched that in my QSA. Oh, that's great. I literally just watched that. It's so good.
You got to keep it interesting though, because I feel like I've been in some, I've been in two. One GSA, one QSA. My high school GSA was not very memorable. It was also like a little bit for the stage I was at. It was a little bit too like loud for me because I was kind of testing the waters and there was like six people in the groups. I attended infrequently. Yeah, yeah. My QSA was sometimes cool.
Like that movie night was cool. Yeah, movie night for sure.
It was sometimes a little bit dry. I think we could have maybe like bumped up the activities a little bit. Yeah. It was a little bit like we, yeah.
But like it was important though just to have it. And I think like anyone, particularly if you're like on a college campus and someone's like new to coming out, it's like really cool to have like that space. Totally. And just to meet people and like just know that like you have a space that you can go to. Yeah, it is enough to just offer community. It's so important. And just meeting, talking, even if you're directly talking about queer issues, it's like just like, yeah, that space being open to people. It's so cool. I mean, we would have like, we would have like everyone would go around in a circle and talk about their experience, how they identify, which was really cool. And like, it was important. So I'm sure whatever you're doing is already good enough. Yeah, this space enough is great.
I think movies are a great one. Probably any like marches or if you find yourself going to, you know, protests or something like that.
Or book club. This person likes reading. Yes, exactly. Don't lie. You're bookworming. Get a cool gay book club. Keep reading also. Yeah. So jealous of you to read.
My college, we had like a drag ball every year, which was really fun. Yeah. Yeah, it was really fun. So like, you can like get all done up together and then like do some kind of contest. Yeah, cute. I love that idea. Yeah. That's cool. And like, so that the dance party isn't just like, yeah, but it's like, you know, a little more entertaining and interactive. Yeah.
All right, last question. The Westboro Baptist Church is planning to protest in my area soon. In your opinion, is it useful to counter protest a hate group or should we ignore them slash let them fizzle out? Well, we were talking about this earlier. There's a great Louis Theroux documentary, this like British hunk investigative journalist who did a really, he's like most famous episode I think is the Westboro Baptist Church episode where he goes and like hangs out with them for quite a while. I think it's called America's Most Hated Family or something like that.
Yes. And it really does a good job. I don't have an answer for the question, but I feel like you should watch this because it does a really good job of kind of humanizing them, which will, which both can kind of increase maybe the need to like stand up to them, but also might let you kind of see the... Yeah, feel at least a little empathy.
But I think it's important to mention how he like talks about it. Yes, he's very kind of like his, what he does kind of in like all of his journalism, he's very kind of just like plays the fool and he's kind of flirtatious. I love it. He's like a charmer. And so he makes people feel very safe and they become very forthcoming. But like what he does with this family, especially like the kind of teenage daughters is he's just kind of like a sweet, charming guy who's like listening to them for the first time ever.
They've like never had male attention.
Oh my God. And they're just like, it's so funny and so sweet watching them try to like stick to their like, now gay people are going to hell, but they're like starting to like a smile screeching up on their face because he's like right, they're like, whoa, you know. And they're like, yeah, no, abortion's wrong. I'm like, no, everyone's going to hell.
It's just, it's fascinating. Yes. And again, I don't know what that means for counter-protesting, but like... I don't know what that means at all. Yeah, it's like, these are real humans that are so far off base that I just can't imagine what that feels like. They don't have a kind of, their beliefs are actually, what was interesting about it too is like, you learn it's not just like, they don't have populist right-wing beliefs. They have actually kind of super crazy, complicated, like clunky beliefs. Yeah.
Like, so they haven't caught on. Their persistence is what's made them famous. Their signs have made them famous.
But it's not a big movement. No.
It's one family, right? It's one family and like a few people who go to their church.
They're just like, they've become kind of icons, but they don't have a following. So it's like, there is something a little kind of pointless about like, the counter-protest, because they are so cuckoo.
Yes. I don't know. I mean, I agree with that. I also think though, like, people like that have probably like, never met a gay person. Totally, yeah. Or like, have never, I don't know.
It's like, extremist people like that. It's, I think it's like really emotionally draining and like shitty to have to educate people and be like, you suck. Like, this is why you suck. I'm gonna educate you.
But also like, and I'm not even sure how effective it would be, because I think they are just so crazy. Totally, they're gone. But it is important, I think, to like shed light on people's ignorance and to call things out for what they are. I will say though, on the tail of that, they are such a like, lightning rod, insane belief, you know, that it's so easy to be like, wow, they're so hateful, like how dare they? And you could spend a lot of energy like trying to counter protest that. Also, maybe just like, kind of take a moment and think of the people in your like, immediate life that maybe have like, fringe beliefs or are kind of in the middle and aren't as tolerant and maybe like, call them. I don't know.
Like, you would spend that same time to like, have an actual impact on the people that you know. Instead of screaming at people who are screaming for an afternoon. But I do think that there could be like, a personal impact to showing up at a kind of, at a thing like that, where it's like, to show up and if you really feel like your spirit is moved to show up and you know, and you feel safe enough, like with numbers or whatever, to just be visible, like juxtaposed, like against people like that and just be like, we're here, we're queer. Like, that's like literally all you have to say. And it could be really healing too, to be like, just simply like, we're here, we're queer.
Yeah, someone's driving by, they're carrying their own kind of self hate and they see these protestors that are like, you're going to hell. Totally. Like, AIDS will kill you. Like, they're insane signs. And then to see the other side of the street has like, we protest with like, loving signs, I don't know what you say.
I mean, or yeah, I don't know. I just think like, do it if you feel moved to. There's no right or wrong. It's like, it's okay if you can't or you don't have the energy or like, it seems too scary. You know what I mean?
Totally. But go if you think that would be powerful for you because there's a lot of power in protest. There is, if you can like, take back that. I mean, also though, for some people, that's like really draining. Totally. And like, could be really damaging. Deeply. Depending on your ears. Yeah, it could really be like, scary and violent. Politically already, I do feel at my wit's end. Yeah, seriously.
I'm just kind of like, and so like, just even imagining, one, imagining Westboro, like, what are they, tour? If they're going to be in their town. In their van, are they on tour?
Oh my god. I'm just like, oh, I can't. I just, yeah.
Just, yeah, if you do go like, process it for yourself afterwards, bring your friends, like have numbers. Let us know. Follow us on Instagram. Send me a message of how that went. Send me a photo so I can weep.
I think everyone has different ways too of dealing with stuff like that. I don't think anyone should be made to feel like they're an armchair activist because they didn't want to show up or. Stand next to screaming crazy people. Some crazy person or like. Take care of yourself. Yeah, they're wrong for, you know, everyone has their way of processing and dealing with all this kind of stuff. It's crazy. It's a crazy world, so.
Well, I wanted to end this episode a little bit different with book recommendations because I got that question of someone who loves to read. And I feel like I've found so much self-love and about myself in reading books. So what are, do you guys have any book recommendations for the people who watch this show? Maybe a book that you read in high school. I remember I read Middlesex.
It was so good. It's about someone who was intersex and just the work with gender. And it's just a really well-written book.
Yeah. I think I started that and then like, obviously it just disappeared. Yeah, it was huge. I've started it a couple times. Like there's a bookmark 30 pages in somewhere. It gets insane at the end, so. Yeah, I should finish it.
I mean, a writer that's really close to my heart is Belle Hooks. And her amazing book called Feminism is for Everyone or Everybody is Really Good. And it's sort of this like, she starts it being like, I just wished someone would finally write a manual about feminism and no one did. So I guess I'm doing it. And it's like a really just sort of succinct short book that's like amazing. And it's about, you know, it's like super intersectional and it's a really quick read.
So I recommend that. And then her book All About Love too, which really is just like. You recommend that too. When you read that, like get prepared, you know, because you're reading it and you're like, my whole family love was a lie or whatever. And so it can be really painful and jarring, but I think as you grow into your queerness, it's like really useful for how to communicate and love people and love yourself. Audre Lorde, Toni Morrison, and Toni Morrison, all the way, Toni Morrison.
It was just her birthday.
I have heard Sula tattooed on my house over here. Amazing. One of my favorites. That's cute.
I mean, I literally, it's just because I just read them. I like cannot shake them, but the fucking Alina Ferrante books. Which ones?
My brilliant friend, the four books, the Italian Neapolitan novels or whatever, they're like huge, they just turned into an HBO series. But it's like one friendship over a life. It's like over the course of a life, it's in four books. And like they took me literally two years to read the first book.
And then once I got to the end of it, I was like, and I read the last three books in like two weeks and they're just like, there's something, I mean, obviously I know these recommendations don't have to be overtly queer, but like there is just like the beauty of like a kind of female friendship, like two women like over time and the intensity of that and the, I don't know, it's just stunning. It's really, it's just beautiful writing. And to me it was like, I just needed them to become enchanted with reading again. Like you like cannot put them down. Oh, that's really great. And it's also about like women who like in like the 60s are in like kind of impoverished Italy are like doing everything they can in their own ways to educate themselves to transcend their circumstances. And it takes on this meta quality as you're reading it where you're just like, I wanna read too, I wanna learn too, I wanna, you know, it's like, it makes you really hungry for knowledge, like in a really, really beautiful way. And that was, I just found them to be just like absolutely stunning. And now I'm like checking my phone a little bit less because of those books. Slightly, slightly, just slightly. Anything by Zadie Smith, anything by Toni Morrison, I love just her, their depictions of just like their lead characters and the strength that comes with that.
Coming back into I think our second question about like coming into, or our first question about coming into like queer adolescence and expressing that, I just started reading Opening Up by Tristan Terevino. That's a good one, I'm just like catering and like designing your relationships and like redefining them, so nice gay read. I've heard good things about that. I haven't read, yeah, I haven't. I just started it.
Like the non-monogamy, like manual. It's kinda cool. But I think even outside of that, I think like just gay relationships kind of like cater themselves. And I think as a queer person, you have to like find what works for you.
Totally. Yeah. Oh, love it.
All right, well, enjoy reading everybody, thank you. Bye. Thank you for another week. And we'll see you later. Bye. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Confirm_Statues_Humans_Closest_Nonliving_Relative | Marble, concrete, bronze, resin. A far cry from the genetic building blocks that make up modern day humans, or closer to us than you may think. That's what researchers at Oxford University are saying after a ten year study of inanimate species in natural and laboratory environments confirmed that statues are in fact humankind's closest non-living relatives. Statues share 98.6% of our defining characteristics, and are more closely related to human beings than any other lifeless species in the non-animal kingdom. In fact, they appear to be more human-like in many respects. Their general appearance, evident bipedalism, facial expressions, anatomical structure. Researchers say they analyzed the height, weight, and pose of hundreds of statues over the course of the ten year study, observing not only the object's complex use of tools and weaponry, but also their domestication of horse statues, all of which corroborate the scientists' long-held beliefs that man-made sculptures are more similar to human beings than any other non-living organism on Earth. As with all of our non-living ancestors, there are of course many differences between us and statues, such as their wide range in sizes, their lack of opposable thumbs, and the fact that their bodies often are entirely composed of marble. Still, if you look close enough at any statue, if you look deep into its eyes, you really can see how it does resemble mankind in many ways. |
cracked | 7_true_stories_that_should_ve_already_been_made_into_movies_the_cracked_podcast | Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out. Yeah, welcome to this live episode of the crack podcast you as well My name is Jack O'Brien. I am the editor-in-chief of crack and joining me on stage.
Mr. Michael sway Howdy, howdy, howdy That was why you pointedly refused to welcome me backstage. Yeah, I didn't realize you were saving it I thought it would be creepy. Hey Jack It's good to see you and he would just turn away today's show is about movies.
I got those two mixed up Based on a true story that don't exist. Uh-huh So the process for determining what true stories get made into movies is not a meritocracy You're not a huge sports guy But you're aware about Rudy is what I've gleaned from references about Rudy It's the story of like an underdog You know five foot six guy who like walks on at Notre Dame and the reason that that got made into a movie is because Rudy himself Pitched it for a decade and was like man. You really need to make a movie about me guys Yeah, which is a weird instinct in the first place But then like it kind of came out that Joe Montana great quarterback one of Michael's favorite quarterbacks. He's always said Johnny Idaho Johnny Idaho And he was later interviewed and he was like, yeah We carried him off the field at the end kind of sarcastically He was sort of an asshole like when we were just like mocking him a little bit then Rudy turned turned that movie into a motivational speaking career and then a Sports drink that he used as a financial scam To scam people out of eleven million dollars. Yeah, we worship PT Barnum So it sounds like the real true story movie should be the story of Rudy right taking everyone's money, right? Like that's an even more interesting sequel It's almost the wolf of Wall Street If Rudy now released a movie any Shyamalan debt where it's like Rudy presents Rudy the true story If I did it by Rudy And he's just like hey, I just took your money and that story's so interesting watch this movie now I go I torrent it at the very least Cracked up comp does not advocate torrenting in films So anyways, we're gonna have this is one of the episodes where a series of comics and crack writers come out Pitch us true stories that ought to be movies So up first we have a hilarious stand-up who will be appearing as part of the unpopular opinion Rolling Thunder comedy review.
He's a writer performer at crack calm He is mr. Thomas Ryman The rhyme man who has promised That his presentation rhymes entirely throughout. Is that right?
Right because I knew I had to do something wacky about me number one Okay, I was gonna talk about this guy named Attila Ambrus First of all guys names Attila so, you know, you don't name somebody Attila unless they're gonna start some shit So Attila was this dude who lived in Hungary Budapest in the 90s in the early late 80s early 90s He was super broke So he just decided on a whim that he was gonna try out for the professional hockey team Which is like one of the best in Europe, but he had never played hockey before in his life Really he goes out to be the goalie like that's the position he tries out for they're just scoring on him easily Like he's a child the rest of team was like so mad at him that they broke his nose during practice or like this guy You think this is but like puck during play or in between shots Like I think they clutch the puck in the fist and just punched him right in the face They didn't want the message to be confused in any way But he's stuck in there for so long. He just kept in there. They're like, well, I guess we better hire this guy So like let him join the team because they liked his heart and spirit. It's Rudy on ice basically Yeah, this is you guys are throwing a lot of Rudy at me at the time It's a whole lot of Rudy. He was literally the worst professional hockey player in history Statistically the worst in one game. He had 23 goals scored on him. I don't know if you guys are hockey fans That's like an entire season of gold Right there.
That sounds like one kind of movie right like it's like a wacky guy Yeah pressure for star but so as he was being the worst hockey player to ever play the game He was moonlighting as the whiskey robber, which is the most famous infamous Armed robber in the history of Hungary Through the audience They're well aware with the storied history of Budapest based on robbery You don't have to tell them in 1993. He robbed 29 different state-owned banks travel agencies Post and if you don't play hockey, that's a lot of banks. Yeah whole lot So like he shows up to rob these places and he would always give a rose to any of the female tellers so like he became like this folk hero like people just loved the shit out of this guy and They could not freaking catch him like for the longest time it was the biggest manhunt in the history of the country and it wasn't necessarily because he was like Really skilled at avoiding the police. It was because the in it There was like a whole separate movie going on This is like a third movie about just the slapstick police force trying to catch him Like the police force had no money their lead detective on the case This is an actual thing and I'm not using hyperbole for the purposes of comedy He learned how to be a detective by watching dubbed Colombo reruns In one of the pursuits they got the bank. He was robbing wrong So they literally drove right past him like he watched the guys like oh And then another time they were pursuing him and two deputies crashed their cars into each other And those were like the only two police cars they had So for the remainder of this manhunt They had to hitch rides with the media who was driving to report on the whiskey robbers latest robbery because he was like this huge Like character he eventually got arrested But he escaped almost immediately by tying together his bedsheets and climbing out the window Like a children's book. This is all real like this just sounds like an indictment of the Hungarian prison system Yeah It was just they corner him at this bridge and he jumps off and swims across the Danube River to get away from them like Harrison Ford And the fugitive he just like jumps in the water when they finally caught him They put him in a class prison cell for that was built for a serial murder They put him in a NATO cell because his well-known magnetic power would have allowed him to easily escape until 2012 when they finally let him out of prison and now he makes pots for a living like he owns up like a Pottery store sure it is. Yeah, he's not right like the pottery store is conveniently within like view of Every post office and bank in the vicinity the hockey team hung a whiskey robber From the stadium ceiling.
Yeah, which is your final shot of the movie clearly, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's like once they figured out that he was their goli They just started like printing all the jerseys hilarious writer director comedian who currently writes directs and comedies at Cracked please welcome Carmen Angelica Real close. Yes Julie Abani she was born in 1670 she's like James Bond But not working for the government But dueling and like bisexual and lady and she also Liked to dress like a dude because back then it was corsets all the time and her dad was like the fencing trainer person for Louis the 14th, I want to say and Louis the 14th and but he was like also this guy who just like I'm gonna take my daughter To like bars like seedy bars and brothels because that's I'm gonna spend my time with my daughter And then I'm gonna teach her to duel, but I don't want her dating anyone and then she went and ran off with a swordsman and they decided to like go across France and just duel and She was like also they would like make money because she was like an opera singer I don't know where she learned that but I guess and she would occasionally, you know, rob graves So, okay I mean what else do you rob graves for? I don't think she was like, give me that bone use your imagination Yeah, you couldn't go thrift store shopping at that time, right?
Yeah, that's the only way to get into clothing So she got bored with the swordsman and she decided like oh, I'm gonna go after this like like merchants Daughter and and like she and this merchants daughter hit it off They start seeing each other and the merchants like not my daughter and he's like she's gonna go to a nunnery and she's like Yeah, well, I'm a woman. So I'm also gonna go to that nunnery And then she goes to the nunnery they I'm sorry. They have relations in the nunnery and then she's like I like this nunnery. I'm gonna burn it down So she burns down the nunnery to get with her girlfriend and then she gets bored and she like dumps her Oh Then because she burned down a nunnery she was sentenced to death but Louie the 14th like pardoned her just cuz he was like nah, she's cool So like a scene where she was brought before him.
He's like wait, I remember you You're that dueling chick, right? And so yeah, get out of here. Yes camp And this was all before she's 20 mind you this is everything that has happened I know somebody said what and you're right. What?
Meanwhile after she's 20 She like gets into a duel with this guy Who he's like another opera singer and he's like you're not a good opera singer and she's like, oh, yeah But you know that you're not I'm better at killing people So she pretty much kicks his kicks his ass, but he doesn't die but she like takes tokens She like takes this little snuff box and she's like taking all this stuff And then he goes and he's like telling people like oh, yeah, I got like mugged by like 20 guys And then she's she hears that and she's like you got what and like slams down the snuff box And then he's like oh and then she's like showed ya but she only lived to like 37 and they don't know how she died But she ended up put back with her the dueling swordsman husband again So she just had this crazy life and then he she came back and she's like I want to stay married and he's like Okay, and then she whatever you say Yeah, when you started this off by saying she was like bond that didn't work the government I was like so like a drunk murderer, and you did not disappoint Give it up for Carmen Angelica All right coming up next is a very funny stand-up comic Who was one of the fresh faces at just for last of 2015 he's appeared at Bridgetown as a sketch fest Bumbershoot, please get up for Steven Wilbur You're not wearing the championship belt from last time the large gold belt was all right the daytime soap opera Originally invented in the late 40s as a way to discourage children from faking sick and staying home from school For decades white people and white people alike Entertained by the familiar themes and soap operas hunky doctors wealthy families with a penchant for schemery after a while these tropes get stale until one man had The vision to take these traditional soap opera narratives and elevate them from absurd to banana bonkers and That man was James E. Riley. He triple majored in psychology Social anthropology and biology halfway through medical school He was working as an extra on the young and the restless and then one time at a like after party somebody came up to him and asked if he wanted to write for soap operas and He was like yeah, all right and You don't live in LA that's constantly happening to everyone all the time. It's very annoying Traffic on the 405 and people asking you to say it was a Palm Springs party in the 80s he cut his teeth writing for very soap operas even head writing on many of them and this was a time in the 80s when for the most part everything was just still baby switcheroos and Pensively holding wine the staples. Yeah, then in 1993 days of our lives the eighth ranked soap opera in ratings Which is absurd to believe that there were at least eight soap operas on at that time There were 11 They hired him James E. Riley to be head writer and shake things up an angel must have descended from heaven and softly whispered in his ears Burn it all down daddy Because he Kool-Aid manned his way into that writers room through his big old dick on the table and said listen here dick There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Sheriff James E. Riley And that's what my name is and there's gonna be a couple of changes around here Here's what we're gonna do one. We're gonna have the teenage Carrie Brady have acid thrown in her face by a mobster to we're gonna start a feud between Carly and Vivian and then Vivian will inject Carly with a drug that makes her seem dead To fake her death and then bury her in the ground in a coffin that is outfitted with Speakers so she can taunt her buried alive And then For an entire year. We are going to have the most popular character on the show. Dr. Marlena Evans possessed by Satan Well, you mean the Satan from Christian lore the very same It's still at all the drama suspense and Scenery chewing of soap operas, but it was nuts to the butts full of crazy Much like performing oral sex on Shaquille O'Neal days of our lives blew up And he went on to make his own soap opera a little one you may have heard called passions Here's what passions had there was a 300 year old witch who had a sidekick toy doll that she brought to life and even Was responsible for sinking the Titanic. There was an orangutan named Precious who was hired as a live-in nurse for a character there was Once in a scene where people including a zombie were watching an episode of passions There were also demon elves Closet doors that led to hell a blind priest who could sense evil a dude who had his penis chopped off Drunken Lee reattached upside down and then repaired through the power of magic at a wedding Passions was James E. Riley's mr. Holland's opus give it up for Steven Wilbur I realized I had like 15 more minutes He goes back to days of our lives They're slowing down and we next is a very funny stand up who has performed in the laugh factory in Chicago comedy store in LA Please give it up for Lindsay Adams Welcome I'm happy to be here.
I'm gonna tell you a story about my friend's dad aka Jack Barsky aka Albrecht Dietrich KGB spy yeah Her dad was a spy for the KGB that then was cleared by the FBI and just lived in New Jersey Like of all places so the his backstory though He identifies as Jack Barsky Which is not his given name Jack Barsky is actually the name that was given to him by the KGB and then whipped up a birth certificate so it was in 1970 he was at he lived in East Germany and that was where he was from and that was when He was Albright and and then he got a knock on his dorm door And it was someone saying they were from this like fancy company and they wanted to talk to him about his career And he knew immediately that it was the secret East Germany police He just knew and they were called Stasi agents and then a couple years later They made him the final offer and they were like, do you want to be a spy or you want to be a spy? And and he was like, yeah I'll be a spy and so they wanted to send him over to America for a mission And so he had to learn a hundred English words a day and train Extensively to get rid of his accent which by the way, he did not You could see through his cover I was like wow scary German man And they sent him over to America and the idea was to get him to spy on A national security advisor. So they wanted him to fully engross himself in American culture They wanted him to like completely get in like the social circles Just completely be an American and the plan failed completely What kind of plan I mean How go you'll be friends with president Goodbye, they knew nothing about America and how they were like get an American passport Yeah, they were like get in there and he went to get a passport and they asked him a bunch of questions And he was like, I gotta go That's throwing the words I learned today This was the kind of spy who would tell his kids friends the story of his life though You kids want to hear something cool He got a social security card by going into the social security office with dirt on his face And said I need a social security guard and the lady was like why haven't you had one? You're an adult man And he was like, oh I lived on a farm for years So he like If you need me to say a hundred English words I could do that She gave it to him Which means that like he he was smart enough to know like there are people in America who literally never leave a farm Like that. They're born in though They're born in a farm and they stay in a farm and that's their whole life So he was in New York at the time and so he went and he got the social security card And and then he just enrolled in college and he enrolled in college to learn how to write code for computers He was an it guy. He got a job at med life with access to lots of people's Lots and he was still reporting back So he would report back to them once a month or once a week He would get a radio signal and then every two years he would go back to Germany And like meet up and like have dinner and stuff and when he went back He married his girlfriend his former girlfriends and they had a son together And then in this time that he was going back and forth He then married a woman in America and had a daughter And that was my friend Chelsea And things were kind of like falling apart with like the whole the whole operation And then at one point he got a message that his cover was going to be blown And that he needed to report home immediately And he was given directions to get this like oil can that was like off a path by a tree In like some weird and he could not find it He could not find it So but instead of saying like instead of being like hey this didn't work where he sent it again He was like, oh no And then he sent them a message that said I have AIDS and I need treatment This is 1988.
So he goes I have AIDS. I need treatment in America.
And then they told his wife in Germany that he was dead Wow So, you know all this yeah, how did things shake out with his American family they must have found how does Did he choose to tell them? No, he chose eventually to tell his daughter when she was on her way to college They lived in they lived in Pennsylvania for years and the FBI Bought a house next to them to bug their house and eventually stopped him on his way home from work And was like they were like hey, we gotta talk to you and he was like, okay And he told him everything and then he was eventually cleared and his wife knew On her way to college on the drive. He told his daughter. Oh, I was in the KGB And I was like And then waited two years to say oh by the way you have a brother Wow But the happy ending is that she went and found her brother And then he finally got to meet his son who was like, I mean you were a dick And he's a cia spy And they run at each other across a glass bridge But it's crazy He was a very sneaky man And very honest and now is completely I mean he's as honest as he can be after years of lying I like to imagine every lie he tells he just like goes over and like rubs dirt on his face I'm just a humble farmer Everybody give it up for Lindsay Adam I'm going to squeeze a Also hilarious stand-up, uh who will also be appearing as part of the unpopular opinion rolling thunder comedy review Please give it up for Alec Schmidt Okay Hi Too big for the curtain.
Yeah, it felt it felt very stage play like I come in with a sword or something Well, yeah, you're dressed like you pulled a big brass key out of your pocket unlocked the door and stuff Yes, it's like I did that yes My movie is about the bone wars I think that would be Light are you sure that's not a swedish metal sign instead of a movie It's about it's what they called a competition between two paleontologists in the late 1800s, but it's really fun Sorry the epicness. It could be a great story But what I was imagining It's really come down the other thing. This is known as is the dinosaur wars, which is even more I don't know what I was expecting because it's true stories and he said bone wars and I was like Oh, they like ride bone rockets and they shoot bones with each other I was like, all right true stories. All right. Sorry There are two guys It was edward drinker cope and then the other guy is named offneal charles marsh and he worked for yale And the two of them wanted to be the greatest paleontologist In the world and so the two of them were very motivated to be great paleontologists And they met each other in 1863 and they were like, oh you're very friendly And they each named a species after each other that they found which is like very cute And then they spent the rest of their lives trying to destroy each other Just absolute hatred between these two guys and you would think oh people dink for dinosaur wars It's not very interesting But they were doing it in the american west which Was still the west in the 1860s and 70s and they had to take trains out there and there was one train and like One of them would shut down the train station so the other one couldn't use it and they'd just be on the train like looking, you know and They would hire spies to track each other They would sneak into each other's camps and like screw up the other guy's work Uh, they and in certain cases would get dynamite and like blow up the other guy's find like destroy it I know the bones get blown up too. It's really bad It totally sounded like two competing indiana joneses who are both like nobly pursuing knowledge until it's like and they'll destroy knowledge They're like see this this belongs in a museum into the fryer with it They both spent a lot of their own money to do this because nobody was paying for finding dinosaur bones for the most part And so they both like went broke doing it. They both lost their families doing it They and they and they never like cooled it like they never ever ever got over They at one point cope found the skeleton of something called elasmosaurus which is like an aquatic dinosaur like big body fins and then a long tail and a long neck and When cope exhibited it he put the head on the tail, which is a mistake and He and marsh comes in and marshes as like marsh and cobra the two experts So marsh realizes oh he put the head on the tail But instead of like just telling him he goes into the room and he's like I think there's something wrong with this dinosaur And like really like sells the whole like it's just for science that i'm embarrassing you and like really Makes a point of screwing the guy over and then marsh is exhibiting a dinosaur He believes he's found called brontosaurus and you probably know about brontosaurus. It's a famous dinosaur But it's also like actually a patasaurus. It's not actually a different thing He just screwed up and so cope is writing newspaper article after newspaper article like I say I think you're wrong about and like embarrassing him And then they're going back and forth in the press against each other there and uh, and then like marsh is kind of with the establishment So he's pulling strings to get like better government jobs and things like that So then cope is like i'm just going to help publish this guy and like there's one year he writes 76 papers just to like just to snow the guy in with science and like try to strum and In the end the two of them combined discovered They said they discovered about 140 dinosaur species and then future scientists have been like that was actually like 32 And then you would just stack other bones ways to like outdo the other guy.
You weren't even helping really You were uh, just a jerk just prediction slash question whichever one died first. Did the other one try to purchase their bones? so it's weirder, uh What happened cope? Died first, but he he knew he was on the way out and he was like listen.
I edward drinker cope Uh, my middle name's drinking. Uh, I edward drinker cope I'm gonna donate my body to science because i'm and people and i'm sure whoever he told it to was like man That's a great thing donating science man. It's like a really good thing to do Why are you doing that and copes like I want them to measure my skull and they're like, oh Why do you want them measure your skull because i'm daring marsh to do the same when he dies And cope was like i'm gonna have scientists prove that I have a bigger brain I dare him to challenge me in brain science when we're both dead And marsh didn't take him up on it because that's crazy, but But they definitely but they they it's not like uh, thomas jefferson and john adams are both about to die and they're like, you know Actually, he was pretty great.
No Hatred string of hatred of the person most like you in the entire world It's amazing in your version of the movie. Do you think they realize that they want to fuck each other or?
Just like Everybody give it up for alec schmidt Please give it up for eli alsberg So, let me get my notes out I thought that was funnier than you guys did apparently So my story is about does anyone know who olga the saint is? Which for the record obviously not uh by your silence and she that name is terrible. Olga the saint like that just sounds terrible It just sounds like an ironic name that someone came up for for like a russian maid. They're like here comes olga the saint She was alive around 900 ad and her husband was killed by a group called the drevelians which Is real not on game of thrones And the drevelians Apparently were headed like pay trick. They were another tribe and they were paying tribute to him And one day they just decided not to anymore and they killed him And so she was left ruling kiev because her son was three years old and he couldn't take over so she had to wait I don't know what's funny about that is he's three But I don't know what the legal age is to run a neighborhood at that in that era You know what I mean?
Like I don't know.
Did he have to be 12 or anyway, so She this tribe was like the drevelians or like uh, you have to Marry one of our guys our prince and she was like no and they were like, yes you do it She's like, okay. You know what send 20 of your best guys over And they did and she took them to this place She's like, all right now come with me and they got wheeled somewhere and they were literally dumped in a pit and buried alive And it gets oh it gets even better than that She then sent word that she's like, okay, you know what? I'm gonna marry you. Come on over The other guys are here waiting for you. So he came over with like and she also said bring all of your best men Which totally sounds like a gangbang and She's like bring your best men over and they all come over and she's like, okay We're gonna have the wedding here in this bathhouse And so she locks all of them in the bathhouse including the print that burns them all alive And yeah, I know right this is like this is like to me proto-feminism so I I don't at this point by the way, she invites more of them over to like mourn their deaths This is the part that blew my mind was these people were like, okay She sent us him in hate.
Well, she murdered them, but she's like come born with us And they totally bought into it and had soldiers kill five Five thousand of their men at this point. They couldn't take anymore So they begged her for mercy and she was like, well, I don't want to like put your villagers through anymore So the drevelines begged for mercy and offered to pay for their freedom with honey and furs That was the currency back then So she asked for three pigeons and three sparrows from each house since she did not want to burden the villagers any further after the siege She buried them alive Soldier i'm just going to read this directly now Olga gave to each soldier in her army a pigeon or a sparrow And ordered them to attach by thread to each pigeon and sparrow a piece of sulfur Bound with small pieces of cloth which this already like this sounds like Rambo Like isn't that crazy? She said put sulfur tie it to birds When the night fell Olga made her soldiers release the pigeons and the sparrows The dove coats the coops the porches and the haemos were set on fire.
I don't even know what this One out of the five things you just said. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know any of them Don't mess with the drevelines.
They'll burn your haemos The point is this whole place just went up in flames. Uh, I mean, I guess they live in dove coats I don't even know what that means. So There was not a house that was not consumed and it was impossible to Extinguish the flames because all the houses caught on fire at once. So like this part about dove coats Why didn't they just put the whole place burn like they could have saved so much trouble The people fled from the city and Olga ordered her soldiers to catch them Thus she took the city and burned it captured the elders of the city Some of the captives she killed while others she gave as slaves to her followers the remnants she left to pay tribute Now that sounds like the end of the story She then started disseminating the teachings of christianity and was the first female ruler to do so It spread it so much that she was canonized and made saint Olga Oh, it wasn't sarcastic she was lying She was 100 percent.
Yeah, she became a saint and so that's the whole story And I do I super want to see the scene where they're like, man, she wants pigeons. Should we send pigeons? She's killed like a lot of our guys What could go wrong And there's one guy in the corner that's like i'm telling you honey Furs you got to send honey and furs. It's a trap. No one listened to him Hello, they have sulfur they have birds.
Do I have to draw you a diagram? Give it up for Eli The improv the ice house flappers has a weekly residency at the comedy store, please give it up for suna bill stay All right, so i'm pitching a short film with this yes All right.
This is a short film So, uh, this story basically starts as a personal story and then ends up being a historical story about anorexia religion murder How is that possible you ask i'm going to tell you I suffer from something called sleep paralysis. Yes Some of you also do you fall asleep and then you're like eyes wake up and your body stays asleep And you think you're being like stolen by evil spirits, um, and you can't do anything about it Because your body is paralyzed but your eyes are open so one night I was that was happening and uh, the figure kind of like was enveloping my body And uh whispering in my ear save me Save me And I was like, well i'm not like really a psychic or a medium. So I don't really know if I can do that Uh, but hey, what's your name? She said sarah jacob So then I kind of like woke up which is not really waking up But it's like your body wakes up and then I was like, oh, okay. So sarah jacob spirit needs help Uh, then I told some people a couple, you know the next day and they're like, yeah, you're dumb. You made that up You accepted it that readily though. Oh, yeah Sleep paralysis and we're like, I guess I know I mean I was like, okay So I guess this is my job to save sarah jacob I don't know this person but that was like that stupid you just like wanted to be psychic in that moment I don't know. So then I googled it. I was like, all right, let me just go ahead and put in sarah jacob And lo and behold sarah jacob is in fact a very interesting part of history She was the first 12 year old girl to die from anorexia nervosa She was called the welsh fasting girl.
So apparently in the 19th century, there were all these girls There were fasting girls commonly known as deeply f***ed up probably abused and anorexic So, uh, so she got so she got scarlet fever when she was 10 and she's like I feel like I'm gonna stop eating um And then her parents started Make making it into like a religious thing like she was like this miracle that lived on air So the news spread like wildfire So like towns from all over england came to see this like girl who lived on air and they got gifts And they got like money and so then for me, I was like wow This is an interesting story because it's kind of like her like the first 15 minutes of fame on earth You know what I mean? They're like it's like a kind of a reality show Where they're like, we're not really doing much But we're kind of getting shit for it And we're gonna just go with it even though it's total bull How long do you stare at her and be like well, she hasn't eaten in the two hours i've been watching her I guess I got my money for it Exactly she could have had like a hard-boiled egg backstage She obviously did I mean who can live right she didn't live on air. That's not a real thing Anyway, so for two years It was like this miracle and also she was getting away with like her other brothers and sisters were like farming And she was like, oh whatever dudes. I just like donate and i'm famous And so that got her out of all the things And uh, so then some doctors were like, you know what? I don't think we buy this we're gonna send her to a place called guys Hospital they're monitoring her like 24 hours a day So two so she can't like do the secret food thing, right? So two three days go by and the doctors are like, oh, so your kid's like basically dying Do you want to do something about that? And the parents were like nah, man, it's a miracle.
She's totally fine. Just keep starving her So then like seven days later, she's a dead person They actually were charged with manslaughter the mom and the dad who was a deacon by the way The dad was a deacon because you know it is because she had scarlet fever No, this is because she was possibly a manipulative girl who wanted money and attention I feel like that by the way like by like possessions and things like that I feel like these are just people with gluten allergies and they couldn't identify them That's very possible. You know what I mean? She's like that doesn't feel good. It makes me fart That's because the devil has grasped you by the snow What about the part what about the ghost How does that not still keep you up at night that would keep me paralyzed for life So maybe in some like weird wrinkle of time I heard her saying save me in my head She wanted 40 some odd people to hear her story To the light please give it up for sooner Let's hear it again for all our presenters Thanks |
dropout | sitting_behind_a_couple_at_the_movies | John stop it he's barely 20 years old don't bother mom I'll make my own I can't sell to you anymore man you're just a kid go home hey hey pipe down trying to watch the movie yes anything that will help you overcome your addictions and keep you off the streets no time like the present which is 1935 and geez I hope I'm saying this right Nazi Germany it's still a relatively good thing it just won't be first thing I'm gonna do when we escape after it's tomorrow is join the Polish army excuse me excuse me excuse me this pervert is trying to watch you to be intimate you guys should try to go to the back corner for some privacy wait let's change position so the freak can watch freak peeping Tom whatever sir miss you were being very disrespectful right now oh did you want to join even is this movie hey it's Raphael if you like college humor and want to support us sign up for dropouts for the low price of a whole lot of straws per month you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the dropout discord and exclusive content such as troopers sign up for your free trial today you don't need all those straws give them to me |
ClickHole | what_do_these_college_seniors_wish_they_d_known_as_freshmen | What do I wish I'd known as a freshman? What do I wish I'd known when I was a freshman?
So much. Oh my god, anything.
I wish I would have known that it's okay to not know what you're going to study or why animals die when you look at them for too long. That even though college might seem like a restaurant, it's really more like a school. You can eat there, but it's really more like a school. Like especially at the beginning, I spent a lot of time worrying about Alfred Molina, and that was dumb because I didn't know him. And as far as I knew, he wasn't in any danger or anything. But when you're a freshman, you don't know that.
You know, everybody eventually makes friends. Their names are Trevor, David, and Olivia, and nobody knows where they come from or how to defeat them. I mean, the best way to make friends is to join a club or a team or Wilco. The first friends you make aren't necessarily the people you'll ultimately be closest to, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell them your name. You don't have to get blackout drunk to have a good time. You can just chill in the dorms with a couple of friends and take turns saying the F word.
If you don't understand something in lecture, just go up to your professor afterwards and ask them for money. Don't be intimidated by professors. They're just regular people, and it's highly improbable that any of them want to cause bodily harm to Alfred Molina. You get the most out of lecture if you sit in the front row and you shake the professor's hand the whole time. If you don't do the reading, you won't learn the lyrics to Allentown.
Freshman year is a time to take risks. You should be burping and sneezing and constantly bleeding. Really, there's nothing to be worried about. Alfred Molina's probably safe at home and there's no reason to go check on him or call the police over to his house or anything like that. Sophomore year is better, but there's no gravity and everybody speaks Spanish. It's dumb to stress about the future when you're a freshman. You have the next four years to figure out which volcano you want to be dumped into after you graduate. |
cracked | why_trump_s_presidency_would_make_a_fantastic_tv_series_after_the_trump_1 | Cody Johnston. Carmen Angelica.
And we are thrilled to be back with you. Guys, season premiere blew me away. I know we've talked about this a little bit and some of you have some reservations but I was so excited. Just to catch our audience up to speed when last we left off the mid-season finale, Trump inexplicably won the presidency. The Trump character won the presidency and then we had to wait two months until the show came back and they came back in a huge way.
Yeah, it was good. It was really good.
I was surprised how dark it was right off the bat. Like obviously it's a dark show and it was unexpected he would win but like your first episode is just like you know adding the rain and like the weather's so dreary and it just it seemed a little overdone. It was a little melodramatic. It was. I mean I think it's either Empire Strikes Back where everything gets really dark and then it picks up and a new hero emerges or we're just seeing it's Breaking Bad and we're just seeing things getting darker and darker and darker.
I mean the Michelle Obama character like during during. I loved that that perform. Oh she's this is an Emmy. She's amazing. She doesn't need to do a single other episode this season and that's her Emmy. I agree but I don't want to see her go. She's so good.
They brought in a whole lot of people. Some really great interesting characters. We don't know too much about any of them yet. They're all they're all very white. All the new characters.
They all seem kind of samey just in like I don't trust any of them. They all kind of sound like Trump too. I feel it feels like the writers aren't quite sure how to like diverse like diversify the voices.
I mean my one criticism and this is we haven't really seen the character do much yet but as a writer I don't love it when a character's name does the work. You know like Rex Tillerson is gun to your head what's a fancy oil tycoon name and like Tilling the Land. It's just it's too much. It's a very busy name and again that's just a criticism of the name.
I lean towards the wackiness. You know I love Simpsons and Parks and Rec and Gilmore Girls specifically because they bring in these wacky unbelievable characters. So their choice for Secretary of Education, the fact that she wants to put guns in schools to fight bears that's I can't write anything better than that. That's such a wacky unbelievable thing and I would love it if she stuck around just because what other insane ideas will this character come up with? And like we have of course Kellyanne Conway who I can't even get into her favorite character.
I don't care what anyone says. Yeah yeah a lot of people are our viewers in the forum. They back me on this. They love Kellyanne Conway.
She's so compelling. She's unbelievable. How can you talk like that?
It doesn't ring true to me though. It doesn't ring true. It's a little unbelievable.
It's a little bit like I'm watching a caricature versus a person you know and very few POC. Yeah absolutely. Oh it's certainly a very white show. Dr. Carson that is an African-American person that is in the show. That's true. They're trying. He's a doctor. But even then he's such a buffoon. Like the one the one black guy you put in your show is just a dope and an unbelievable dope. Right. They're really good at these just like very small look moments.
So he gives his speech and then you have Melania there and he's standing there and the pastor's talking and Trump turns around and he says something to her and she's smiling. She's got this big smile on her face talking to him.
The second he turns away it just falls into this like dark. It's really rough to watch. It's really uncomfortable.
That's what I want like I think that's what's lacking though like they they have this there it's hinting at these like women very complex women. Yeah. But we're not seeing it. All we're hearing about is jewelry lines. All we're hearing you know like I want more like them to take some agency. They're very underwritten. That's a criticism of the show that we get a lot in our forums where people were worried when the Hillary Clinton and the Michelle Obama characters seem to get written out. They're just yeah offer who knows when and now the women characters that we are left with they we don't really know too much about them. And clearly written by men cuz like Melania's with Trump.
Yeah yeah. But so let's talk about this speech because the speech was the centerpiece of the season premiere. I always really appreciated that Trump has a very unique way of speaking. It's frustrating to sort of understand sometimes I put subtitles on to sort of see like when the sentences start and end. Yeah I know that. I did that with the wire yeah. Yeah it's like it's just tough to sort of really know what was being said. So you were talking about some small things in the speech that you noticed.
I think the rain was good. I think Melania's look was is great and that's a perfect time for us to bring out our very special guest Tom Ryman who is gonna talk about some of the little hints and Easter eggs that he's noticed in the show. Tom Ryman come on out. Thanks for having me. Oh absolutely thank you for joining me.
Oh man what a great show right? Yeah and I know this for our audience who maybe hasn't seen Tom on the show before. We are all fans of the show obviously but Tom is a fan of the show. He's obsessed with the show.
I've been to his office there are pictures of all the characters with with twine connecting them. Two three viewings per day. Yeah oh that's too many. Well you know it's I think there's a lot going on. I think they're laying the groundwork for a lot of stuff in this show.
Cody was speaking about how there's a there's a certain speech pattern to the Trump character that's immediately identifiable because he speaks in sentence fragments and the run-ons and very very rarely lands at a complete thought but his speech is not written like that. His speech is written like it was written by another character and I think we're gonna find out that it was and it was probably written by the Steve Bannon character. That's a very interesting character. It makes sense that if they introduce a character that's the White House chief strategist I think is his is his role the Bannon character if they introduce a guy like that who is so just cartoonishly like a Nazi newspaper guy he's gonna write his speech and it's gonna have that sort of dog whistling that we saw during the campaign episodes or he would kind of sneak in these references.
Do we think that the Trump character is going to be a Russian spy or is that a red herring? Forgive like forgive red. I feel like there's probably they're probably gonna add more cuz like it would be so boring if they just did a spy but like it's there's obviously connections. I don't know if it necessarily means that the president will be a Russian spy. Somebody has to be though right? Yeah they mentioned Russia way too much and there are too many too many coincidences and too many even the like whenever whenever the Putin character shows up yeah like everything he says like you you know something's going on. Scoop alert and I don't know if I'll get in trouble for saying this but the actor playing Vladimir Putin has been up to series regular so we know he's gonna be part of the show.
I don't understand why Donald Jr. and Eric are two separate characters because functionally they're exactly the same. They're not distinguished enough from each other that I keep forgetting who's who and I've watched the show a lot like I feel like it we're starting to get into the territory of Game of Thrones where there's like 19 different Lannister cousins that you have to keep track of. They all have beards and long hair and you're the beard of long hair. And in this show we just have like two vaguely handsome but still unsettling white guys that are that are right.
And so many characters are so on the nose like you were saying about their names like Rex Tillerson is like King Ground Destroyer and then Vladimir Putin XKGB it's like they you can tell they got so close just naming that character Rasputin and they're like no that's too much. Let's just call him Putin and then Bannon is a guy who's like banning you know good journalism or whatever and then Kelly Anne Conway is somebody who's like oh my god it's so on the nose. It's pretty on the nose but I mean it's nothing that Shakespeare didn't do.
Exactly. I mean like right this Putin is our band. You're gonna steal from the best you know. Yeah yeah. All right it is about that time we're just about wrapping up here so as we always do let's get into predictions.
What is going to happen on this brand new season? Of the Trump show. I think the Trump boys Don and Eric are gonna get into like an empire style fight over the companies because Donald's Trump characters given that has to give the businesses over the boys. I think they're gonna like well I'm just gonna stab the other one to death with a letter opener or something. It's gonna be real dramatic. That'd be so exciting. They were so close so it would be nice to see them against each other. Right they're gonna have to fight over the fortune one that's gonna get thrown out of the window of Trump Tower or something. It's gonna be real dramatic. I honestly I don't know it's it's I mean I'm sure it's gonna be dramatic but I do feel like Chris Christie's gonna be returning kind of like a beyond my joy type thing because he just liked it was like so much was promised for him he was so confident and that he was gonna like get you know be doing huge things be a little king you know but then nothing happened for him so I don't know I don't know. He was very publicly abused for a very long time so it would be weird if he didn't show up to get some kind of such a pitiful character that would make no sense for them to beat up at him for so long.
So funny. I love that. I love that actor.
I would like to see him give my fellow American speech and just sort of lay it all out. Like if all these things are true they're saying that would be a great speech to see him say here's what I did.
I'm so sorry. We got to go stop Russia. All right. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. We will be here again next week. Huge thanks to our special guest Tom Ryman. Thanks for stopping by as always. All right. I'll see you guys next week on after the Trump. Everyone. Thank you for watching this show.
It is a fictional recap show of a fictional show that is based on real life. And I would love it if you would do a recap show of this recap show. Why don't you tell us what you think will happen in the fictional universe of these people who have our real names doing a recap of a fictional show based on people with real names.
Let us know in I guess the form of a video series. Yeah. Post your videos in the comments. Ideally. |
dropout | the_internet_goes_trick_or_treating | Oh happy Halloween snapchat costumes a little on the nose I'm a ghost yeah you sure are and I see Instagrams here too I'm a ghost I can see that yeah I like candy I like candy too okay well what kind of candy do you like snickers me too you're copying you're copying you're you're copying me you're copying you're copying me stop stop copying me boo Barry right because it's a ghost Oh God trick or treat hey Twitter my understanding is to have candy that you're giving out to the neighborhood children yeah don't you think that costumes may be a little inappropriate costume oh no well happy Halloween buzz V don't you look nice I'm a serious journalist sure you are you're whatever you want to be you're so serious and you're still hanging out with Facebook oh yeah we're best friends wherever I go he goes to yeah cuz it's like a ghost Facebook didn't I already see you no probably somebody else I'm a messenger no I'm pretty sure you were something different not too long ago nope always a messenger okay all right you're a messenger now you were definitely something else see ya YouTube no costume for you tonight no no no no not for me I'm actually just out here with my kids have you met yet a YouTube red YouTube TV this is all about you they're really fun you're gonna love okay Facebook enough this I'm a marketplace no you're not yes I am nope nope stop trying to be everything you get to be one thing you get one thing and you get one candy sorry I hurt your feelings no you're not no one wants this bullshit oh hello reddit old be trick-or-treating aren't you what are you supposed to be memes it's kind of look like a bunch of up and down votes not not really a meme yeah I'm still hanging out with those awful trolls are you no I cleaned up my act good cuz they were really bad hello hello I'm Facebook trick-or-treat Facebook well you know I know I said I wasn't gonna give you any more candy but honestly this is a very convincing well done yes I'm Facebook all right well nothing unusual about this look at this gosh that's a hell of a costume who is that under there fine fine died years ago hi it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me from sinking please please help please help |
SaturdayNightLive | the_bloater_brothers_at_shooters_saturday_night_live | Shoot it! Shoot it! yeah! everybody!
Okay. why don't I just give you guys two shots of Jager? Jager? I hardly know her. Jager's can't be choosers. allow me to introduce myself. I'm Wayne Blur. I'm his brother, Kit.
I bet you can't guess what we do for a living. you can. clean pods with your head. Oh, hi-oh! We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators. Boom. And in our spare time, we work as professional male models. unfortunately, we don't have much spare time. industrial refrigerators? Wow.
How can you stand the excitement? we wear diapers. we don't wear diapers. But we do give huggies. it depends. Something's gonna tell me you guys aren't from around here. Uh, no. we're here on booze-ness. right. staying across the street at the Fairfield Inn. Oh, you must be a psychic. you're a hypnotist. you are getting very beautiful. when I say the secret word, you will make out with us. the secret word is please. take me to your apartment. you guys get beat up a lot? we do. but it doesn't affect, doesn't affect, doesn't affect us at all. we're simply indestructible. can't hurt this. it's hammer time. let's get hammered and go back to your apartment. I turned gay the moment you guys walked in.
I call Richard Brown for you. I think we just got the Shaft. Shut your mouth. I'm just talking about Shaft. Can it. Hey, call Samuel Jackson. I think we just got the updated version of Shaft. Shut your mouth. I'm just talking about the updated version of Shaft. come on, you guys. there's 30 seconds left in the period, All right? could you just be quiet?
I think she just told us to go to H.e. double hockey stick. I think she just told us to puck off. Thirty seconds left and the Bloeder Brothers have yet to score. we need a hat trick. You wear a hat, nothing else. that's a trick. then we'll accomplish our goal.
I'm getting called for high stickies. I'm getting a Zamboni. body check. check out that body. face off. how about top off? All right. Is that what you guys want? You want to see my rack? will that shut you up? All right. two for one sale. got milk? no service. wonder bra. wonder where the bra went. Victoria, the secret's out. you got a point there. you got two points there. you got all points bolted. please put them away. you're a loser. |
SaturdayNightLive | jacob_silj_microsoft_court_battle_saturday_night_live | As we reported earlier, Federal District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Monday that software giant Microsoft, in fact, violated antitrust laws. What does this mean for the future of the company? What does this mean for consumers? Here now, Senior Economics fellow at the Brookings Institute in Washington, D.c.
Jacob Silge. Thank you, Colin. Colin, As you know, Judge Jackson ruled that Microsoft violated the Sherman Antitrust Act in no fewer than three instances. Oh, my God. Oh, my God is right, Colin. this ruling is very, very significant.
No, I mean, could you please Not shout like that? Listen, Colin, I have a disease. I suffer from voice immodulation. I'm unable to control the volume or inflection of my voice. this is not shouting. it is talking. it's just, couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice? how dare you? I cannot do that. I have an affliction that is recognized by the American Medical Association and its British counterpart. every year, as many as six people are stricken by this horrible, horrible disease. it could strike anyone at any time, provided they were born at least two months late and have been exposed to gold dust. gold dust, Jacob?
Oh, it's funny to you. imagine, if you will, Colin, a life in which you hold your baby daughter in your arms and try to ease her back to sleep. Hush, hush. go to sleep. Daddy loves you. Or, imagine you're at church whispering a secret and silent prayer to God.
Oh, please, dear God, why have you done this to me? I hate you, God. please take away this terrible affliction And also, let me find a bag of money. that is my hell, Colin. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. maybe on you, Colin, but no one else. Hey, that's mean.
I apologize. that last part was actually muttered under my breath. But I can't mutter under my breath, can I, you jerk? that was under my breath. Also, you ass. just stop. under my breath again. Will you stop, Jacob?
I think I will, Colin. I think I will.
Jacob silge, everybody. of college wing, that's my story of stippin'' Jewish. Iliad Gonzalez. |
cracked | the_horrifying_downside_to_being_a_superhero_s_brother | Good morning, Neil. How are you feeling today? Fine. Really? Nothing is bothering you? Nope. So you're content?
Look, Neil, I know that this is court-mandated therapy and you don't want to be here, but I really think this time could be good for you, okay? I really don't think so. Look, Neil, we can't leave this room until we discuss what happened. Do we really need to do that?
You showed your penis to some schoolchildren. Okay. While a bus full of children did see my penis, I did not intend for that to happen. He just thought it would be funny.
He? Who's he?
Do you read the paper? Do you keep up on the news?
Yes. So you know who the Flash is? Do you think the Flash showed his penis to the schoolchildren? Is that what you think? No, I'm saying that the Flash is my brother. Okay.
Do you have siblings? Um, this isn't about me, but no, I don't. They tend to tease each other. So imagine that, only the eldest is a sociopath and never grows out of it and has super speed.
You lost me. Leave my friends alone, Barry! You're ruining my life! Well, maybe you should stop being such a little bitch. Whoa! I hate it when you do that.
Flash knows! You're the Flash. You're in this office. And you're eating my sandwich. Well, now it's Flash's sandwich. Do you see? He's a nightmare. Why are you talking to the third person? Because Flash knew it would bother you.
Nice, real fucking nice. Why do you even like this? Do you have any idea how slowly things move from me? It's like watching glaciers play golf. Do you even comprehend how painfully boring that is?
And then I'm saving everybody all the time. There's the pressure and the stress. The only outlet that I have is fucking with you. I think that maybe after saving the world over and over, I deserve that, huh? That seems fair, yeah. Well, Neil, in light of what your brother just said, I actually think that I will tell the court that you're crazy. I should kill myself. Flash wouldn't let you. I'm eating it.
That's his pee. My brother's pee. |
dropout | precious_plum_honey_boo_boo_parody_series | My name is Plum, I'm 6 years old, and I'm a beauty queen. My momma take me around to pack it. Son of a bitch! She my precious Plum. Today, Plum completed being a little miss tiny tits in a parking lot of Waffle House outside of Chunky, Mississippi.
We got a 52 hour drive ahead of us, so it's like, fuck. Alright, let's go. Come on, we're going to be late in your car seat. Go. Get your car seat, young lady, let's go.
No, it covered in tics. What do you mean it's covered in tics? Oh my god. Plum took a big old shit in her car seat yesterday, so I put it out in the field air wash and lone ball fucking tics. But we don't have any time to do anything about it, and she's just going to get tics. My blood tastes like monkey bars. My leg cramped at something fierce.
Plum, baby, come up here and take the wheel. You gotta drive, baby. I gotta stick my milling out through the moon top and stretch my gams. Oh, that feels good.
No swerving now. No swerving. Straight as the gays ain't. No swerving, no swerving. Swerve, swerve, swerve, swerve. No said not.
So, we hit a dog. I made a dog, dad. This is one of them big old honking dogs, too. Like a werewolf or something.
Couldn't just leave it there in the street for people to see what we did. So, we took it with.
Mama, I can't breathe over it. You got a nose, don't you? I don't want to smell it, though. You gotta smell it. I don't want to.
You gotta smell the dead dog, honey. You hit the dog. You made the dog dead. Now smell the dead dog. You gotta smell the goddamn dog you don't did dead.
That's what's called responsible. Are you smelling it? No! That's where a God-precious plum, if you do not smell that dog, I will hit another dog and pile it on top, you understand? I will murder a second dog and pile it on top of the first murdered dog. Are you smelling it? Yeah. How's it smell? Bad.
That's right. So, we made to the pageant, but I plumbed in place, so she's a little bummed. But for every black cloud, there's a little white neighborhood. The ticks pick the dog. That's right. There's no more ticks.
Stay on the dog now. All right, come on, baby. Let's air wash it. Next time on Precious Plum.
As a parent, you gotta answer some difficult questions. Mama? Yeah, baby? Where do babies come from?
No mush, sugar, nah. No smush. None of that Vevo shit.
Say it now! So, we hit a dog. I made a dog, dad. This is one of them big old honking dogs, too, like a werewolf or something. Couldn't just leave it there in the street for people to see what we did. So, we took it with.
Mama, I can't breathe over it. You got a nose, don't you? I don't want to smell it, though. You gotta smell it. I don't want home.
You gotta smell the dead dog, honey. You hit the dog. You made the dog dead. Now smell the dead dog. You gotta smell the goddamn dog you don't did dead.
That's what's called responsible. Are you smelling it? No! That's where you gotta smell it. Are you smelling it? No! That's where you gotta press this plumb.
If you do not smell that dog, I will hit another dog and pile it on top, you understand? I will murder a second dog and pile it on top of the first murdered dog.
Are you smelling it? Yeah. How's it smell? Bad.
That's right. So, we made to the pageant, but plumb didn't play, so she's a little bummed. But for every black cloud, there's a little white neighborhood. The ticks picked the dog. That's right. There's no more ticks.
Stay on the dog now. All right, come on, baby. Let's air wash it. Next time on Precious Plumb.
As a parent, you gotta answer some difficult questions. Mama? Yeah, baby? Where do babies come from?
Dicks and pussies. No smush. None of that Vivo shit. |
cracked | the_terrifying_fallout_of_the_final_fantasy_universe_8_bits | Every year countless children are killed or pass away. And every year thousands of those children are brought back to life with Phoenix down.
Recreational use of Phoenix down is now responsible for more than half of teen drug charges. P.D. Downes. Mr. Feeney, Stevie Nicks, Lazarus. Whatever you call it, Phoenix down should only be used by responsible adult casters. Overuse can lead to depression, dependence, lesions, and insanity. We're facing a pandemic, suicide parties, item shop robberies, Phoenix down laced with ether. Don't let your son or daughter fall prey to this terrible affliction. If your child uses any of the terms you've just heard, or the terms designated lifer, or resurrection-erection, or seems to be overusing one-ups, med packs, potions, or green dots, or simply dies more often than other children, please, please, please get them some help.
Get them some help.
Sin is jetty. Because every life is precious, no matter how many you have.
Oh, yeah. Oh, thank God. Oh, wow. My arms are huge. Oh, yeah.
I mean, look at it. I can't even lift it. It's like a propeller.
Hey, you. Yeah, you.
You know what would really make me happy? Like, just the happiest is if you could click subscribe. Yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
SaturdayNightLive | secretaries_snl | Good boy. Well, Alan, I can't thank you enough for taking my case. Well, I figured you're always on my case. I may as well take yours. I am annoying. Mr. Cutchin, this is my secretary, Trudy. Hiya, boys. Happy Friday. Oh, life's easy when you have a secretary to think for you. Trudy, could you please pick up my. Cuban Cigar. right here, boss. I was gonna say dry cleaning, but thank you. Hi, Alan. your secretary's one of a kind. Yes, well, she's only right half the time, So I hired a second secretary, and now they're both wrong all the time.
Meet Trudy. Hiya, boys. Hiya, Trudy. Happy Friday. only two more days till church. Trudy, would you mind picking up. your son from daycare? gun him right here. Eee! Well, Trudy, I don't have a son. Well, then your daughter dresses like a boy. Uh, Trudy, huh? is that a first name or a last name? it's a middle one, and I'm ready to roll.
I read the handbook, Tudy Road. keep your nose clean, knock us up, and penny's down. Well, that's not in the handbook. gals, we'd like a drink. Oh, a drink, let me think.
I'll do bourbon. on the rock or on the racks? What's on the racks? Bourbon on the racks, coming right up.
Oh, great. did you want it, Stude? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, ladies. that's enough. we'll be in my office if you need me. we're going over to Mr. Cutchen's alibi. way? how do I know? you get a little danish on your necktie? Oh, and look at these soiled trousers. they need a dry cleaning. Oh, uh, well, ladies, I'm fine. and I'm full. and I'm fed. Good afternoon, ladies. um, I've got a lunch. delivery? Yes, you ordered a sandwich. which? that's correct. And a side of coal. anoscopy? Nope. Oh, oh, Mr. Piedemann's sandwich is cold, and I ordered it hot. Well, quick, put it here. mmm, smells like mama's cooking. Oh, uh, where is my.
Benigni right here, Boss. Benigni, sandal of the future. My goodness, well, it tastes like ass.
Oh, Tootie, I've been meaning to introduce you to our associate, Jim. Jim! nice to meet you, Tootie. Ooh, you look like an educated man, let me guess, Yale?
No. Harvard. No. Harvard. No. Hogwarts.
I think I'd like to leave now. All right. Now, Tootie, I know you're new, but I'd really like you to just. to just kick my feet up and take a load off. now that I can do.
Oh, my God.
Well, she just fell right through her desk. Oh, yeah, and somehow, I don't know, her skirt just blew off. Now, where's Trudy? It looks like Trudy fell right through the office globe. and her top got sucked into space.
Tootie, Tootie, are you all right? Yes, I'm all right. a little chilly on the bottoms. Yes. I must admit, the side of you with no bottoms is. maybe you forget there's a baby in my desk? Yes. perhaps we could raise it together. But first, would you let me. Gobba noodles on this dog-ass hoe? that part. I'm Mr. Clitchens. you're in love with me? Dip me! Well, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have another bourbon on the Racks. I am annoying.
Mr. Cutchin, this is my secretary, Trudy. Hiya, boys. Happy Friday. Oh, life's easy when you have a secretary to think for you. Trudy, could you please pick up my. Cuban cigar. right here, boss. I was gonna say dry cleaning, but thank you. My Allen, your secretary's one of a kind. Yes. well, she's only right half the time, so I hired a second secretary, and now they're both wrong all the time. Meet Trudy. Hiya, boys. Hiya, Trudy. Happy Friday. only two more days till church. Trudy, would you mind picking up. your son from daycare? gun him right here.
Well, Trudy, I don't have a son. Well, then your daughter dresses like a boy. Uh, Trudy, huh? is that a first name or a last name? it's a middle one, and I'm ready to roll. I read the handbook, Tooty Road. keep your nose clean, knock us up, and Panty's down. Well, that's not in the handbook.
Gals, we'd like a drink. oh, uh, drink? uh, let me think. uh, I'll do, uh, Bourbon. on the rock or on the racks? What's on the racks? Bourbon on the racks, coming right up. did you want it, stood?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, ladies. that's enough. we'll be in my office if you need me. we're going over to Mr. Cutchen's Alibi. Way? how do I know you get a little danish on your necktie? Oh, and look at these soiled trousers. they need a dry cleaning. Oh, uh, well, ladies, I'm fine. And I'm full. And I'm fed.
Afternoon, ladies. um, I've got a lunch. delivery? Yes, you ordered a sandwich. which? that's correct. And a side of coal. anoscopy? Nope. Oh, oh, Mr. Piedemann's sandwich is cold, and I ordered it hot. well, quick, put it here. mm, smells like Thomas cookin'.' Oh, uh, where is my.
Benigni, right here, boss. Benigni's sandal of the future.
Oh, my goodness. well, it tastes like ass.
Oh, Tootie, I've been meaning to introduce you to our associate, Jim. Jim! nice to meet you, Tootie.
Ooh, you look like an educated man, let me guess, Gale? no. Harvard. No. Yarvard. no. Hogwarts.
I think I'd like to leave now. All right. Now, Tootie, I know you're new, but I'd really like you to just. to just kick my feet up and take a load off? now that I can do.
Oh, she just fell right through her desk. Ah, yeah, and somehow, I don't know, her. her skirt just flew off. Now, where's Tootie? It looks like Tootie fell right through the office globe. and her top got sucked into space.
Tootie, Tootie, are you all right? Yes, I'm all right. a little chilly on the bottoms. Yes, I must admit, the side of you with no bottoms is.
Maybe you forget there's a baby in my desk? Yes. perhaps we could raise it together. But first, would you let me. goba noodles on this dog-ass hoe? that part. Oh, Mr. Clitchens, you're in love with me? Dip me! Well, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have another bourbon on the Racks. |
dropout | nerf_gun_control | Okay, guys, big day. We need to buckle down, buckle up, and buckle fuck.
What? Huh?
It's a live muckle buck. Hello! Nerf attack!
Oh, God, this is annoying. It feels like there's one of these every month.
Alright, Murph, give me the Nerf gun. Whoa, pants. You're just gonna take a co-worker's Nerf gun away? I'm sorry, you don't have that right. But he's firing right at us, and that's not cool. I totally agree. I just think we need to shift this discussion off of Nerf guns and onto the underlying issues that lead to Nerf attacks. Fine, but while we're doing that, can we just take his Nerf gun away? Absolutely not! Pat, when this company was founded, Ricky sent an email saying that Nerf guns were allowed.
That was a pretty ambiguous email. I mean, you can take that to me whenever you want. This sucks right now. Ow!
Nerf guns are just too annoying to allow anyone in this office to own one. Well, if we declare Nerf guns annoying, then only annoying people will have Nerf guns. You're just saying that because you have Nerf guns.
Yeah, and I use mine responsibly. I keep it at home, locked up in my toy chest. Why should I be punished? I just want to be able to do my work without worrying about when the next Nerf attack is going to happen. Pat, I am with you, but we work in a fun office.
Nerf guns are just part of our culture. Why hate our culture?
Sam, aren't you supposed to do something about this? Sam! Ah, fuck!
Tell him, Nerf! He can't have that Nerf gun.
Yeah, I don't think I can do that. What do you mean? You're the boss. I'm just getting a lot of pressure from Adam right now. It's not going to happen. Yeah, I'll kick him out of office.
This office, specifically. So, you're going to have to learn to live with it. How can a civilized workplace be like this? You know, my cousin works at BritishHumor.com.
They don't even have Nerf guns to air in. Then how do they stop all the annoying people with Nerf guns? No, they just don't have them. Guys, it's not about the Nerf guns.
We need to ask ourselves, what is it about Murph that makes him so annoying? How can we treat his obnoxiousness? Well, we could start by taking away his Nerf gun. I heard Murph has an Xbox.
Ah, see? That's the problem right there. I am banning Xboxes. Problem solved. No, problem not solved. If you could take away his Xbox, take away his frickin' Nerf gun.
I don't know what I can. You've done nothing. Six years you've been boss. You haven't accomplished anything at all.
I have so many other issues monopolizing my time. We need to focus on the issue of the broken air conditioners. Has anyone else noticed that it's getting a little hotter in here?
Nerf guns are a serious issue, okay? Haven't you seen Michael Nerf's bowling for Nerf and Vine?
I did. I was very moved. The editing is pretty biased. Guys, would you both just please accept that my hands are tied for some reason and become adjusted to this awful reality that none of us can change?
Fine. I gotta blow off some steam. You guys want to go to the range? That sounds like something. Charlton Nerfton. What do you have to say for yourself? Nerf comment. Well, there you have it, Nerf America.
Dammit. |
TheOnion | expert_wasted_entire_life_studying_anteaters | You've tuned in at the right time because, guess what? It's time for Today Now's Critter Corner, and we're going to be talking all about anteaters. Hey, that's right, Tracy.
We're sitting down here with Dr. Franklin Kearns. He has just published the definitive book on anteaters, a complete anatomy, behavior, and history. Dr. Kearns, we're honored to have you join us on Today Now this morning.
Thanks, Jim. Always a pleasure to be actually conversing with another human.
He says that because he's been living with anteaters for, what, 15 years you spent living in the forests of Argentina. Tell us about these incredibly interesting creatures. Well, you know, they're not very fascinating. The anteater is a solitary, sedentary creature that spends its time sniffing around the dirt, eating, sleeping, so it wasn't fascinating, certainly not after the first five years.
Well, I'm very excited at the prospect of meeting one.
Let's bring out the anteater. No, no. Why in the world would I want to bring an anteater? No, I thought you were going to bring an anteater with you. No, that's what I told your producers because I didn't want them to bring one in.
Okay. Well, let's just talk about them then because do you have any favorite anteater facts that you'd like to toss around? You know, they're on the endangered species list and they're all going to die soon.
Well, it must have been interesting at some level and I found the book to be very interesting myself. That's surprising to me. Well, you know.
Catcher of ants. You know, one of the things I found fascinating about your book, Dr. Kearns, is that ant eaters don't really eat ants. They eat termites. You know what is strange? I can't talk about anything else but anteaters. We just have a few minutes left and we don't want to miss out on looking at the footage of the anteaters that we have to look at.
Oh, God. Here they are. You know, they certainly look cute.
No, they're not cute. They're not cute. No, they're not little. They're not cute.
Their tongue alone is two feet long. That's, you know, interesting. Fifteen years. Yeah. I think we're just about out of the footage anyway.
You know, when I was nine years into the project, I said to myself, give it up. Leave this jungle. But instead, I convinced myself to stay. I said to myself, publishing the number one resource book on anteaters will be worth it.
Yeah. But the day it was published, it was completely anticlimactic. It felt like the physical manifestation of 15 years of boredom came into being. I'm sure that, you know, don't apologize. I'm the one who wasted my life on this. |
dropout | michael_showalter_begs_zach_galifianakis_for_money | You sent me an email every month and a half, with interest on the gas money and how much it was a few years ago and how much gas prices are now with a little bit of interest. Is that a joke? Forget about the interest stuff. I was annoyed that you hadn't gotten back to me, so forget about the interest part.
But yeah. I've always been with people that you know, you don't ask for gas money for a ride that takes three months. It wasn't a three-minute rides act. Seriously. That's the point of contention. If you move to 30 minutes, it doesn't matter. It was more than that. Even if you move to six flags or wherever. It was an hour.
We drove out. It was an hour drive. You were going that way anyway. You just went off the exit.
Everybody else paid me money.
Forget it. Give me some money back. It doesn't matter. It definitely doesn't matter. Like, whatever.
Ten bucks. Just give me ten bucks and we'll forget about it. I'm like, okay, he's doing a joke, which I think is really funny to bug me for gas money. Just give me the ten bucks and then we can forget about it.
A little bit. Okay. Oh, that's one thing. It's not easy for me to talk about it. Okay. It's not easy for me to talk about it. Okay.
Can I borrow some money? I need a little bit of money. I need, like, three grand. Look at me when you have... How much? I need three grand. Three grand. I don't think I have three grand. I got two grand. I got $2,800 in here.
Oh! |
dropout | bassists_look_too_bored_with_mark_hoppus | Basis, we need to talk about the problem. We have to stop looking so bored on stage when we play. Who's with me? Anyone opposed? All right, the motion carries. Let's take a look at something. What's going on here? I mean, does he even know that he's in The Who? In this, Dave Matthews Basis is bored performing in front of 60,000 people. Some of us are doing our part.
Flea, always fun to watch, right? Les Claypool, the consummate performer. Chin-bearded hardcore guys, terrific work, seriously.
But this is just a minority. To change perception, we just need to change a few things. Now, who can tell me what's going wrong here?
He's wearing his base too low? No, his feet are planted on the ground. He's not moving at all.
Don't be afraid to explore the stage. You can walk around. You can run around. You can skip. You can jump. Have some fun.
Hi, Max Hammerton, formerly of Blue 42, currently bandless.
What if our singer specifically instructed us not to go to his area? Fuck your singer, okay? The whole area is yours. Uh-oh. I see something going wrong here. Look, never talk to your drummer during the performance, okay?
Yes. Hi, Mark Kitley from the Savage Sewer Survivors. I'm just curious.
What if we're talking to the drummer about what we're going to do after the show when the singer and the guitarist are off having sex with the groupies? Look, don't talk to your drummer at all during the performance. Me and my drummer, Travis, we don't talk during the show. We don't even talk after the show, actually.
Okay, and see this? No matter how simple or repetitive the bass part that you're playing is, don't just sit there and check your cell phone, okay?
No chick wants to get with a dude who has a high score on Temple Run. They want to get with a rock star.
Give them some eye contact, right? Look at them. Sing along with them. Wink at them. Give them a little nut shake. Liven it up a little bit.
And remember, when the whole band jumps, you jump too, right? Now look, the drummer's spending the entire show sitting down, and they're still killing it. My point, ladies and gentlemen, is that we make a lot of fucking money performing in front of people, playing music that we love.
We should enjoy ourselves up there. I mean, look at this guy. He's having fun. So what do you say? Can we have a good time? It's really good what you have is. |
SaturdayNightLive | lazy_sunday_snl_digital_short | Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon.
Call Parnell just to see how he's doin'. Hello, what up Parnell? No, Sam Burke, what's rockin'?' you thinkin'' what I'm thinkin'?' money up! money up! man, it's hatin'.
But first, my hunk of pain. I stick it like a doctor. He's hit up that don't get it back on some cupcakes. No doubt that bakerie's got all about my force. I love those cupcakes like we got em' bloods.
Do I slip?
Do No sticks, No Twelves Baker's does it. I told you that. The cupcakes cousin yo, where's the movie play at? Upper West Side, dude. Well, let's hit up Yahoo! Mastermind that dopest roach. I prefer Mac Quest. That's a good one, too. Google Maps is the best. Prudak Double two, Sixty-eight to Broadway. Good morning, suck it up. But you wanna do quiz?
Don't stop at that deli. The theater's overpriced.
You got that backpack.
Don't stop at that deli. The theater's overpriced.
You got that backpack.
Gonna pack it up Nice. Don't want security to get suspicious. Mr. Pimpin' Red Vines equals crazy delicious. Don't reach in my pocket, pull out some dough. Girl likes it like she's never seen in 10 before.
We open so fast it was scary. Every once in an hour we scream and you hear it, those crying in the theater room. it's gonna get tragic.
The group out there getting taken to a dreamworld of magic in the Chronic Quad Schools of Narnia. We love the Chronic Quad. Schools of Narnia has that Chronic Quad Schools of Narnia. |
TheOnion | Romney_To_Travel_Back_In_Time_To_Kill_Liberal_Versions_Of_Himself | Later on in the hour, we'll look at how Pepsi's heavy campaign contributions are making refreshment a central issue of the election. But right now, a bold move from the Romney campaign. Mitt Romney announced he will travel back in time today to kill previous versions of himself responsible for liberal leaning policies like government bailouts and a health plan similar to Obamacare.
We've got Piper Kay Hill with us. Piper, what do you think?
With this time machine, Romney managed to build help his poll numbers. Absolutely, Andrea. I think murdering the younger versions of himself before they can, for example, say they support same-sex marriage, definitely going to be a good move for him. Voters are going to see him as much more electable once those inconsistencies are erased from the timeline. And we saw Romney test out the time machine technology yesterday when he went back to 1972 to the moment he posed for that embarrassing photo with wads of cash spilling out of his pockets.
Yes, that is right, Andrea. But he didn't kill that Romney, he just tackled him to the ground, as we all saw when the photo changed at 3.42 p.m. yesterday afternoon. That's right. But during today's trip, which is set for any moment now, he plans to actually murder himself. Yes, that's right.
Now, is he worried at all that by killing an earlier Romney, the current version of himself will cease to exist? You know, not really. For the last few weeks, Romney has been pursued by a future Romney from 2016 who's come back to kill present-day Romney off so that he can be reelected. So this seems to be proof he doesn't eliminate himself.
Gotcha. Now, some critics are saying it's unfair for Romney to literally rewrite history this way just to get more votes in conservative states like Florida and South Carolina. How do you respond to that? No, Andrea. Voters need to know that time travel is not a shortcut. It is hard work. Right.
Since his test run, he's been suffering from headaches, nosebleeds, brief glimpses of faceless men pursuing him.
Okay, but Piper, let's not forget that Romney has received a lot of opposition from the nation's top quantum physicists. I mean, they're saying that meddling with the space-time continuum has the potential to fundamentally alter the entire history of the United States. Okay, Andrea, there are risks with all political strategies, but these are the sorts of risks that it takes to be elected until the end of time, like eternal President Romney. Well, eternal President Romney was granted infinite wisdom by the God Massachusetts, Piper.
He is glorious. He is.
Thank you, Piper. Good mitt to you. Oh, good mitt to you, Andrea Bennett.
And now it is time for the nation to drink its chocolate milk. Everyone, lift your glasses. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Finding_An_Apartment | Searching for an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for finding an apartment. First, wear your graduation robes. An unscrupulous Realtor isn't likely to take advantage of an educated and cultured college graduate. Remember, when choosing a Realtor, there are several important questions to ask, including, you're charging how much? and you've got to be fucking kidding me. Having a firm sense of what you want in an apartment is key, so give your Realtor a clear picture of what you're looking for by building a scale diorama of your dream apartment. Be aware that most apartment complexes operate by a blood-in blood-out system and you will most likely have to kill one of the current tenants in order to join.
Be prepared. And finally, try being white and financially secure with flawless credit. There. Now you have everything you need to find that perfect apartment. Thanks for watching the onion's tips. |
SaturdayNightLive | i_didn_t_ask_for_this_saturday_night_live | Now it's time for I didn't ask for this. Hello, I'm Roger Sims, and welcome to I didn't ask for this, a show to support people whose lives have been ruined because of embarrassing videos of them on the internet. I'd like to take a second to introduce my producer, Pierre, because I couldn't do this show without him. my pleasure, Roger. Okay. as most of you are aware, by now, I gained some unwanted notoriety due to the popularity of an extremely embarrassing video that was posted on the Internet for the world to see. let's roll the clip. this maze is so hard. they hit some arrow at the bottom. why are you doing this? See? that's not funny. not even in the slightest. let's go to the Serious Cam. I'm serious. Why? why do people think it's okay to laugh at this? I don't see the humor. my name is Roger Sims. not that guy gets owned. I didn't ask for this.
All right. our first guest is a real human being with feelings. Please welcome to the show, Maureen O'hare. thank you so much for joining us today, Maureen. please, tell us your story. this is hard. Okay. on a recent trip to Colonial Williamsburg, I. I can't, I can't. Oh, my gosh, Maureen. see? let's roll the clip. Honey, Honey, get me with the lady here, with the Wen.
Sorry. Oh! that looked so painful. But it got even more painful when someone remixed it into a rap song.
To the Serious Cam. Honey, honey, get me with the lady here. I'm serious. Why is this funny?
I am severely allergic to bees, so that fear was very real. Also, getting hit in the head by a blacksmith, a hammer hurts a great deal. I could have died. my name is Maureen O'hare, not bee sting. Fail.
I didn't ask for this. you're a brave woman, Maureen, and there's nothing funny about that. isn't that right, Pierre? Nothing funny at all. if you own a computer that's connected to the Internet, you probably know my next guest. Please welcome Mark Sharon. Mark, please tell us your story.
I was an absent father. it's not something I'm proud of. I was emotionally vacant. my father told me boys don't cry, and I believed him.
Recently, I agreed to appear on a reality show where I was reconnected with my son. just roll the clip. because I know, deep down in my heart, I still love you. Wow, that's terrible. yeah, but it got worse. it got autotuned. to the serious can. I'm serious. Why autotune? It was truly the most profound moment of my life. it was the first time my son told me that he loved me. now it's a ringtone. a funny thing to play at office party. this video has 20 million views. that's over 20 million people who have laughed at my pain. my name is Mark Sharon.
Not best cry ever. I did not ask for this. of course not. is this funny to you? Kind of a weird cry, man. Well, that is our show. we will see you next time on. I didn't ask for this. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_69_Andrew_E_T_Ettingshausen | That's right, you're listening to the Betoota Advocate radio show with Clancy Overall and myself, Errol Parker. We've got a big show coming up, don't we, Clance? Yes, we do, Errol. Thanks for joining us today, listeners. We are coming live to you out of Baxter Boots Studio and Daru Street, downtown Betoota. We've got Rugby League and Travel TV Royalty coming into the booth today, don't we, Clance? Yes, we certainly do.
We've got Andrew Eddinghausen, also known as ET, the 328-game Rugby League legend, Origin representative and 20-year host of Escape with ET. He'll be stopping by to wrap up the Origin, shoot the shit about his career and lots more.
Now we are about to get into it as ET steps into the Baxter booth, but before we do, just a reminder to the good people of the Channel Country and indeed the nation, if you are in the market for some new boots, make them Baxter Boots. Good, honest Australian boots.
Don't waste your money on RMs.
All of your money will go offshore. Anyway, let's get on with it. Today we are sitting with a triple threat.
He's worked in the past as a model, running on the beach with Tina Turner. He's worked as a lifelong icon of the Cronulla Sharks and, of course, now one of the longest TV careers in Australian history with Escape with ET.
Thank you for joining us, Eddinghausen. How you doing, boys? Thanks, mate. Thanks for joining us.
We're very glad to get you in the wake of what has been one of the most entertaining Origin series in some years. What did you think of that, mate? It was amazing. I was actually happy with the whole series. I'm a bit of a lover of rugby league in general to try to give it the best possible voice out there.
The first game, it was a super toughie by the Queenslanders. They knocked over the Blues. They came from behind. It was a fantastic match. Then over to Perth. It was a bit of a touch-up over there. The Blues came back in front of a huge Western Australia-Perth crowd that was unreal. There were 30-odd points scored, but you want to see everybody enjoying the tries. That great part of the game that we can celebrate. Wow, this third one was an absolute cracker. That second half was a true state of Origin. It was 8-0 at half-time. You just didn't flip off a coin who was going to win. It was just so exciting.
With that Perth match, game two was sold out. Are you aware of a rugby league following in Perth? You would have seen a bit more of this kind of Australia-wide rugby league thing when you were playing. There was a super league and there were teams all over the country.
The Western Reds. Western Reds are over there.
We played a few games over there over the years as well. Always a great turnout. You think they're a million miles away, but they are when you fly over there. But when you get there, they just sport mad. I think there's a lot of Queenslanders and dudes from New South Wales who have gone over and probably done a lot of mining and maybe just settled there. You've got lots of Kiwis there as well, so they all understand the game of rugby league. It's such a great thing when you see the sold out, a full house and to see a game that's free-flowing and lots of tries. So they could really sit back.
In the pouring rain too. In the pouring rain they turned out.
It was incredible. The funny thing is it's like an AFL. It's a cricket ground. When I played there before, you look to the left and you're about 100 miles away from the crowd. It's a bit like playing at the MCG. Like a boxing match at Suncorp. It's so far away. It's crazy. Just incredible supporters over there. Really have a love for all sport. They're a bit like going down to Melbourne. Melbourne's the home of sport. Basically it doesn't matter what it is. If you put it on an oval down there, they'll turn out in big numbers. The same thing over there. It was great to see. You got to see rugby league as it became no longer just the New South Wales rugby league. Competition expanded.
And now I guess it's safe to say after a Cowboys premiership and countless Broncos premierships. And a Sharks one too. And a Sharks one as well. Don't miss that one. But the game is like the code NRL and what's come to be is now successfully spread across two states.
Where would you say if they were to have another crack, where would the next team be? Would you say they'd need another one in Queensland? Would you say maybe push the boat out a bit further?
Yeah well they've done extremely well with the Melbourne Storm. Obviously having so much success over the years. Bellamy down there has just been able to just weave his magic and get the best team together. They're so competitive. They pick someone from anywhere and next minute they're a star. It's quite amazing to see. And it's tremendous to see them doing well down there and getting a real following as well.
So the game's down there. I think there's some big occasion matches coming up with Cam Smith. The 400th game. Massive, massive. When you spread your wings you've got to be pretty careful because obviously we've tried it over there in WA before and we've actually had a team down in South Australia back in those Super League years. The Rams. They didn't last too long. They actually supported down there. I played in one of the games down there and there was a good turnout.
Karen Walters does bring a crowd. Yeah that's right. Karen out of the three Walters boys Probably the biggest name.
But when it comes to spreading your wings you've got Queensland which is a real powerhouse. They've been down Brisbane, the Goldie which are only an hour away from each other. You've got Townsville a million miles up the coast. Those areas in between there probably the Mackay and the Rocky those sort of areas.
Very strong rugby league. They haven't had much of a representation except for lots of players filtering through the NRL.
I don't think I'd go to Victoria again. I think I'd just stick there, keep that happening. Very hard to break in through there.
The AFL have done it pretty good up here with the Giants and obviously the Swannies getting a lot of backing over the E's as well. And two big growth areas especially out west. But yeah I think maybe mid north coast of Queensland somewhere there would be pretty cool. Rocky Mackay. Or even out to Ipswich. That's where the Walters boys are from I think, old Alfie. You know what sounds really good, just rolls off the tongue is the Ipswich Sharks.
We won't be moving that far. God help me, come on.
The landlocked Ipswich Sharks. The Sharkies have just won their only maiden premiership. Ipswich Tigers. Ipswich Tigers could be a go. Ipswich Magpies. Go the full AFL model of moving the team.
I like that. Before you just move the Titans out and just admit that that experiment's failed. Well yeah they haven't had too much success over the years. But I reckon if you put a team up in yeah like around that Rocky Mackay out there. Wow you'd end up getting some good crowds. But also you'd have success up there I reckon. Yeah they should bump the cutters up actually. That's a great rugby league name, the Mackay Cutters. That's good isn't it?
Tell us, you started your fishing show, Escape with ET. While playing, one day a week. How did that come about?
Well I'd sort of announced my retirement. I was 34 heading towards 35 and going right this is it. Time to move on at the end of the year. And I thought wow what am I going to do?
I'd had experience with the three networks actually. Channel 7, 9 and 10 doing different bits. I did a bit for the Great Outdoors, an old outdoor show. And I'd done some stuff with Channel 9. So I liked the television industry. I knew it would be something that would I'd like to sort of follow a path in. But you know I remember doing some stuff and you basically with the networks you're told where to go and where you've got to you've got to go over here for three months and do this or two months there.
So Getaway and those sort of shows, those outdoor lifestyle shows, they take a hell of a lot of time. A lot of time away as well.
And I remember going on a trip up to the Northern Territory with Tony Lockett, the great AFL player. And I was on with Rexy Hunt. Now Rexy Hunt had this show, the first of the fishing shows and he took myself and plugger away and we had the best week up there. It was insane. We were catching fish swimming in the pool and I remember at the end of one of the days up there Rexy looked over and we'd had a great day out on the water and he said, well ET how do you like my office?
And I went, mate this is what I want to do. And so I sort of worked pretty hard to get a little production company up in that last year and I put that many proposals out to all the different networks and in the end Foxtel would just come on board and Foxtel said, oh yeah we'll give you a run if you want to put something together. So I had Wednesdays off training flyout Tuesday night film all day Wednesday and had to be back for 10am training session on Thursday morning. So I only had the one day and I just lucked it. I ended up with 22 shows that year. Foxtel took it and at the end of the year when I did retire Channel 9 took it on and had it for eight or nine years and then we moved to Channel 10.
So that was all on you? That was no management involved? No that was just my gig that one. I sort of wanted to do something and with success in life you have to enjoy what you're doing and if you're getting troops all over the place I just thought I want to be in control of what I'm doing so in the end it was just no management, it was pretty much me putting my hand up saying this is where I want to go and still doing it 20 years later. So they weren't prepared to take 23 episodes of you just going up and down the Cooks River just trawling for kingfish? Exactly I've done a bit of that over the years anyway. You had to do a bit of flying though? Yeah sometimes we had to fly out.
I didn't go anywhere further than Queensland or Melbourne so I got some bits and pieces done but since then I've been travelling all over the Pacific and I spend a hell of a lot of time up in Queensland because the weather is good and the fishing is great as well but all the way around the country I'm pretty lucky. Rivers inland and we've got the beautiful coast of Australia and so many remote places from cold old Tassie, you've got trout and things down there up to Barramundi and all that good stuff up in the top end. Now Rex Hunt, a lot of Queenslanders particularly don't realise and a lot of New South Wales viewers wouldn't realise that Rex came from a career in football as well, AFL.
That really was, he kind of paved the way in that regard and that's pretty interesting for a 34 year old guy who's played football his whole career to get a production company organised in between training sessions. Well that's how it was pretty much. It was sort of like OK what am I going to do? You're a long time retired but Rex had just laid that platform. He'd been going for a couple of years and he'd had enormous success I think he started on it at like 11pm at night. Nobody was thinking about a fishing show and then everybody and his dog was watching it so he got moved to a 5.30 slot. Yeah I was on it on channel 9 years going by. On channel 9 at 5.30 he was on channel 7 at 5.30 and he'd ring me up afterwards and he'd go, oh he'd tell you that was a great great show mate, loved it, loved it wasn't you? So we had a good rapport actually, it was nice sort of work with a guy in the same sort of, almost the same job but you know having that respect was nice and he played a lot, I think he played 300 games AFL so he was you know and a lot of people don't know too much about that.
Same with Sam Kekovich, everyone just thinks he's from the lamb ad. That dude who does the lamb stuff, he looks a tough dude.
I guess you could say Rex Hunt unwittingly created a competitor in the space when he took you out on the boat in Darwin. Absolutely he did yeah, it wasn't sort of but you know it was a supportive thing, I remember when he had this is your life and they did a big night for him and yeah I went down to Melbourne and appeared at that as well you know so it was sort of, there was never any love lost between the two of us, it was just support and it was great to see that fishing was sort of getting a bit of airing out there so it was cool. Where's the best fishing? Well on the way here this morning I was thinking about all the times that I've been for a fish in Victoria and you never catch anything in Melbourne ever. You have to go at the right time of the year down there, it's really like you know you have to, November is the month for snapper so if you want to catch snapper you've got to be there in November, it's pretty much like that on the fringes of those you know October and December, you're still going to catch some but yeah November's the real key month for snapper down in Port Phillip Bay. So when's the best time because now that we're in the colder months now and there's not much on where do you go to catch fish now if you can't afford to go up to the top end? Yeah well you've still got some species down there, you've got King George Whiting which are a beautiful eating fish, you've got lots of squid and squid are a beauty, there's even Mulloway and Kingfish starting to turn up, I think that you know people are sort of talking about the warm water and the way that you know the ocean is sort of warming up and there's a lot more species down in Victoria, the tuna are probably the number one thing at the moment you know they have those bluefin tuna, absolute monsters they go to like 140 kilo they've been catching them so they're just you know a couple of metres long, they're huge and so everybody's sort of all over those big tuna at the minute and they've got massive trailer boats but if you look for the new year like you know if you're sort of February, March you've got guys from Victoria travelling to the bottom end of New South Wales to that Bermagui and Eden and all those areas and chasing billfish and you can turn up there on a Wednesday, honestly no school holidays and there'll be 200 boats down there, all Victorians who are just out there catching marlin and having an absolute good old time so it's changed a lot down there and so there's still some good options. Tell us a little bit about, you said the water heating up, is that like a long term thing? Because you know up north they're torn in North Queensland between whether it is the water that's changing or whether the sharks are playing a big part in their fishing or whether it is commercial fishing what have you noticed, the changes since you really started first getting out on the boat? Yeah well absolutely the water's definitely getting warmer, you know it's sort of a, you go down to Tassie now and they've got species down there they didn't have you know 10 years ago so and even things like sea urchins which are one of those real horrible you know spiky sort of things, I don't know if you've seen them but they're like black and got tons of spikes on them, well they've invaded Tassie now and they've come down with that warm current and they're eating all the beautiful big sea grasses and things down in Victoria so they're real, sorry in Tassie they're real pests down there but kingfish have started turning up in big numbers in Victoria as well so there's you know there's species that are sort of you know not normally found down there all starting to appear so that's been a really big change and a notable one as well. As far as you know the water temperature going up in Queensland I reckon there'll be crocodiles in Brisbane pretty soon so hey the old lovely swimming up and down the main river there in Brizzy River because the waters are getting warmer and it's amazing even now in New South Wales you know we're catching fish right down towards Sydney which never you know were never down there in the past they're all just turned up out of the blue when these warmer currents have been pushing down so yeah it's a pretty amazing thing but it's mother nature I guess you just don't know what's going to happen next. Have you noticed any areas that have been overfished as well? Yeah 100% you know like you notice the difference around Sydney in particular you know a couple of days ago I went I'll tell you a bit of a story I've got a mate who fishes every just about every chance he gets and every Saturday if I'm home he'll ring me up the night before and say hey I'll pick you up you know. I've got a mate that I think would be keen to go for a fish so anyway he takes me out in his little boat and we go out and most days we just call it a boating day because we catch no fish you know and it gets quite disappointing after a while and so we're out there last weekend and I'm thinking oh gosh I've got to get somewhere where there actually is some fish so I shot down to Bateman's Bay which is a few hours drive down the coast and I fished up until yesterday down there for two days and you know we're catching snapper after snapper and you know all these fish just exactly the same techniques we're using off the coast of Sydney but nothing and down there you're catching fish you know so it really does show that over the years there's been a lot of commercial fishing and whilst things have changed enormously now it takes a long while for those stocks to come back and you know that replenishment you know when you've wiped out so many fish big breeding fish over so many years they just don't come back overnight so the rules have changed a little bit for those big boats? Oh 100% yeah and we do another show I do the Escape with ET show but I also do a seafood escape show where we take a chef out on the water on commercial boats and we actually work out on the boats for the day and we see exactly what goes on because most people sit and look at a big trawler and go oh that guy's raping and pillaging the ocean you know he's taking everything but when you actually get on board and you talk to these guys and they're all about sustainability and wanting to see great things happen so that their kids can go out there and catch fish and all that stuff so you know I think whilst it's been probably poor in the past over the last 10 years it's really come back to the fold and we're seeing bigger numbers of fish those bluefin tuna you never caught them off Sydney or down the south coast and now there's plentiful sort of tuna coming back in massive numbers and you know it's all because there's been policing the general commercial fishing industry has picked up it's game and everyone is looking for a sustainable fishery yeah well that's what they were kind of going on about that how the Murray cod now it's completely just come back you know it was on the brink and now it's come back in a big way you know 100% yeah the Murray cod though are getting wiped out left line centre you know the local dude would go fishing there and he'd put 20 set lines along a river bank you know with a big which it he'd grab on them and yeah you'd virtually catch every one of those big fish and they'd string them up and you know the photos of you know a big long piece of rope with about 30 fish all hanging off it of the past you know that was sort of what it was but these days you know there's so much catch and release as well people are doing it just to you know look after the species they catch one they'll bring it bring it up get a photo and slip him back in the water and you know it's you know that sort of stuff's amazing and it was Rex Hunt who used to he virtually initiated all that he kissed the fish and sent them back over which was amazing you know I think a few people might have come on stuck when they were fishing they were kissing those big toothy fish and what what had a bit of a nibble but it was just a great thing and it got the younger generation who were watching the shows sort of in the gear of hey this isn't a bad thing let's keep one for a feed and let the other five go yeah you saw in the 90s you'd see rulers coming out you know what I mean that was never a thing kids carrying some you know and a brag mat brag mats exactly saying oh well this is how big my fish was and wow look at him swim away like early on in the piece when I started doing that you know you'd get sort of people come up to me in the street go oh you caught those beautiful snapper but you let the bloody things go you know like they just couldn't believe it you know the older generation was sort of shaking their heads so when was the last time you paid for a rod I mean like obviously now that you've got the biggest kind of show of its type in the country you know obviously you'd have people that were just trying to give you stuff all the time you know oh here are some lures you know here's some new braid here's some new leader you know they don't give you anything for nothing you know the funny thing is you're always working for it so you know you're obliged to then go and talk about the products and use those rods you know it could be a boat or a car or whatever it happens to be but generally the commercial deals you know people sort of think that you go on television and the television station pays you to have that show on but what's happened the last ten years basically you go on to get a time slot you actually have to pay for that time slot and every you know if you're on at four o'clock in an afternoon on a Saturday you might be paying you know six thousand bucks an episode and so you've actually got to you know where you're getting that money from you know you've actually got to come up with all that before you even even start so before you turn the camera on you've got to come up with you know a hundred grand or a hundred fifty grand or whatever it happens to be so you know you've got to have those sponsors and it's an unfortunate part of it you want to have you know you want to be able to just do a fishing show but in the end you sort of end up having to spook about a whole pile of different companies but and then they get you in for the MC the AGM and then they've got you locked in got you locked in there you're a fishing influencer now tell us did you grow up you grew up in the shire? yeah I grew up in the shire so yeah all my childhood basically in the shire with the fishing side my grandparents had a little tidal waterfront on the central coast of New South Wales so that's where I spent all my school holidays and on my dad's side he was from down in Kangaroo Valley which is sort of all dairy farms and stuff down the south coast so another great great spot to grow up you know so I spent my time between fishing up there and down on the farms chasing rabbits so yeah real cool and then obviously the shire is a rugby league and fishing really yeah well fishing and footy they were the two things for me and football was sort of you know rugby league was you know the game that I got put in as a six year old and yeah it was just lucky to play with a whole bunch of mates all the way through school and they were all the guys I went to school with which was great so they're all my close mates still today so what was your experiences with going back to the footy for a second there you were in on that early on the sharks were anyway how did that come about that just sounds and we've had a few people come in here and talk about it we've had Matty Rogers and we've had yeah he told us a very entertaining yarn about how he had signed to go and play for the sharks and his old man he he caught the wind of it and was like you little bastard you know exactly yeah you turn your back on the yeah well it was it was a tough it was a tough time you know the funny thing was we were playing the western reds so this was so we travelled across there and I was actually injured for the game but they took me across it as I was the captain of the side or whatever and I I remember eating brekkie and I'm there just chewing on me bacon and eggs before the night's game and I got a tap on the shoulder by the chief executive and just said oh look after brekkie can you come up to my room I just want to have a chat with you so I've you know basically walked up to the room knocked on the door opened the door and there would have been 20 people inside that room I'm going what is going on here I absolutely absolutely no idea what was going on and so I've walked in and there were all these people I didn't know and in the end they were all news limited people, lawyers and you know PR people and our whole board of directors was there and our chairman has ended up you know basically I said what's going on boys and he said he said well we've just signed across to this new super league and I'm going what are you talking about which that's how crazy it was it was sort of something that you know that you know obviously Rupert had bought you know Foxtel and he knew that he needed the number one gigs on Foxtel to make it happen and sports the premiere television viewing so he was looking at the ARL back then you know obviously on the other side at the same time the Kerry Packer and all his crew so he was sort of trying to round up as many as he could you know but they basically said to me look you know the Brisbane Broncos are signing up right at this moment as well the Canberra Raiders and basically between the Canberra Raiders and the Brisbane Broncos they were the two state of origin teams you know so you had Alfie and Renouf and all the boys up there for Queensland and then for New South Wales you had Laurie Daly and Ricky Stewart the whole gamut of players from Canberra so they said look you can ring those boys up if you like and have a chat and they'll be telling you exactly the same thing they're all coming across to this new competition and for our club it was sort of we were about 14 million in debt the Sharkies you know we were in a not a very good position and so it ended up being the deal wiped the debt instantly so it kept the Sharks alive really and you know I'd played for the Sharks for oh probably about 15 years at that stage or maybe 13 years at that stage and it was you know I was only ever dreaming of playing at the Sharks all the way through my whole life so there was no way I was going to go to another club and yet I know I'm down there going oh my god okay well and so I ended up finding out all the nitty gritty about it all and you know it was a pretty tough decision we finished the game against the Reds we got bussed back to a big hotel and then I had to sort of address the players and tell them that hey look I'm going this way because I want to stay with the Cronulla Sharks and this is the club that I but you guys have got to make your own decisions up and you'd had the day to think about it I'd had the day to think about it and these guys had zero time to think about it they wanted to sign them up that night so it was sort of like without talking to anybody I'm kind of going hang on this can't be they can't be binding anyway you know like but you know the dollars went from you know guys on 80 grand to guys on 240 grand sort of going hang on you know they bring up darling and going I think we might swap over yeah so it all happened in a bit of a excuse me ET can you pass me that pen the worst thing was you know I'd come back after the boys were able to talk to their partners and their wives and girlfriends just said oh just do whatever ET does now that is my worst nightmare you know I was sort of going no I don't want you to make your own decisions because this is the reason why I'm making my decision but anyway it was it changed the whole game you know a lot of people talk about it negatively but realistically it became a professional sport after that and we had things like superannuation and you know there was sick look you know there was so many you know support network support network put in place and you know both codes battled against each other only for a couple of years before Kerry Packer bought into Foxtel and you know they won big happy family you know they spent five hundred million or something on the war but you know crazy sort of money the players got plenty so they were all happy and I think I signed a five year contract so I was pretty happy as well yeah Rogers he did say that he said he pulled in and he said another interesting aspect was the club had put on all the grog so they're sitting there with these trays of coronas and whatever it's like hey guys you've got ten minutes to figure this out figure this out quickly yeah no that is interesting and it actually is part of the story of the game but did you notice and you know when people talk about 22 professional rugby league clubs that they might have been spreading the talent a bit thin did you play a few matches where you're like okay this guy should go back to Wyong I reckon yeah there were a lot of reserve graders playing first grade you know and a lot of guys yeah I mean it was for the players who were at that time it was a pretty cool thing for them you know they with the super league we'd actually go into meetings and all the chief executives had been in one room and all the captains had been in the other room and we'd be talking about all the same issues and then we'd come together and then we'd beat it all out and get the best for the game and so you know that never happened before it was all played behind closed doors and you never had any say in anything so you know there were a lot of advantages and you know the game became professional you started you know it wasn't the Tuesday night Thursday night and Saturday morning run it was all day Monday all day Tuesday Wednesday off Thursday and Friday full days as well you know so it became very professional all the athletes as you can see today super fast game you know the athletes are amazing they're doing weights from you know straight out of the cradle doing weights you know like it's really Pilates yeah Pilates is how it works it's changed out of sight and you know I think the game the level of the game has picked up as far as cleanliness all the stick and the head highs you know we saw some pretty bad incidents happen over the years with players getting so many head highs that they got you know brain damage and things like that you know Adam Ritson comes to mind a magnificent player he would have been an easy walk up to an Australian team but he was hitting the head that many times from 18 to about 20 that you know basically almost wiped him out of the game you know so fortunately we don't see that anymore we see a hard tough game and you know we love the origin that second half everyone was into it and they were bashing each other but you know it was nice to see the referees give them a little bit of leeway as well yeah you were part of the Cronulla Sharks puberty when they really became a full blown rugby league franchise yeah how was it to see them finally get that premiership because you were on the sideline we saw you there oh yeah it was well it had been such an amazing year I think they won like 16 or 17 games in a row like they had a fabulous team and when you look at that team I remember talking to the coach early in the pre-season I'm looking around I'm going holy moly these you know you've got the top cattle here there wasn't anybody who was going to be you know under an eight rated player you know they were all top line players so I felt they had a really good chance and I just sort of was I went to a lot of games that year I was there in the dressing room had lots of chats with the players had and it was a real together feeling but they just knew they were going to you know they were going to perform and when it came down to the big occasion you know I was sitting there on the sideline I got a call that week which was amazing and they just said would I like to present the medals to the winning team out on the field after the game and I just went oh my god you know that's what a great honour that is you know like normally you'd be sitting you know 20 rows back up in the breaches and watching the game from there but I was able to I was going to be up there and maybe the Sharks were going to win which I felt they were pretty confident so it was just an incredible thing standing on the sideline just before the end of the game and I'm going oh no Melbourne are just about to score you know and they just that one guy can't remember who it was just all he had to do was throw the ball to the left and he was you know the Sharks had lost another grand final and somehow he went to the ground and the stadium went quiet I don't think they could believe it themselves every every Sharky fan there I reckon there were 90,000 Sharks supporters there and there wasn't a boo and then everyone's looking up and they realised the Sharks had actually won the grand final it was like you know it was incredible you can turn the porch light off you can turn the porch light off and you know it was it was just a great occasion and you know I went out on the field and congratulated and a big gal turned around and he saw me and come chase it running over and you know we'd spent a lot of a lot of time over the years you know talking about you know the reason why you played for the club and that's why I played for so long you know you wanted to win a competition with the Sharks you know you go to another club three quarter way through your career and you win a comp okay well that's great but you know it just doesn't feel the same you know so for all those you know hundreds of players who had played for the Sharks and all the administrators and all the people who'd put everything and the supporters it was a great thing you know it was a really cool cool thing to be a part of there's only one club left that hasn't won isn't it it's only the Titans yeah probably the Titans but I know the Rocky they're moving up to the Rocky Titans they'll get one just quickly we have asked this to a lot of league players did you ever get approached by rugby union and were you ever tempted because again when we spoke to Matty Rogers he goes I certainly didn't take a pay cut to go and play exactly for the Wobs yeah yeah exactly no I remember when Matty went across and you know I'd spoken to him at the at the end of that season and he and he said you know he's got an offer and I just sort of said mate you've got to do what you do best now you know like and that's that's how it is you know you had Israel Folau playing you know AFL as well as playing rugby union and you know that's what you are you're an athlete out in that marketplace and you know it really wasn't you know rugby union back in those days was probably more on that amateur side you know it was more of a boys club but amateur side and I missed that when Matty sort of got offered to play it was just after after the Olympics exactly they just started to change their whole view and started to look at they got Wendell Saylor across as well they started but it was just probably a couple of years a little bit too late for me but as far as other clubs you know I had plenty of opportunities over the years I remember coming back on kangaroo tours and our coach was Bob Fulton was the coach and he coached Manly as well you know and he'd pull up chair next to me on the flight you know well ET you know like we could work together again wins your contract up here we go you know you know if you ever want to win a premiership so anyway but you also I mean you as we said at the start of the episode you were a bit of a with the face of rugby league you went piercy running down the beach how can you tell us how that changed you know your public figure a little bit you guys were in budgie smugglers running alongside Tina Turner did you start noticing a few different types of fans after that well that was exactly why they did it you know I think the game was a real hard game and it was a bit of a you know it was a tough game lots of head highs and you know it was you know people getting injured and it was often a battle of attrition you know out on the field but you know they obviously knew that they were losing such a massive part of the marketplace out there with the females and girls pretty much watching it maybe here and there on television but not going to any of the games and that led to you know the mums not not letting their little boys or girls these days play rugby league you know so they put a really big effort into that the Tina Turner campaign I think it was one of the best ones that probably any sports done well they won over all the mums because they all love Tina too exactly all Tina sensational it was fantastic even meeting her you know it was a big thrill but you know they sort of brought the game together and they pulled players from a number of different teams and you know the Wayne Pierce's and Alfie Langer's and a whole range of players who'd represented their states or country so everybody sort of knew them but they didn't know them in that light you know and it was sort of a fantastic thing for the game I think that was a whole new era you know it brought in you know thousands and hundreds of thousands of new new supporters so you reckon you got any new fans now that you're on Survivor this season well who knows who knows it's going to be interesting but you know I've always been a massive fan of Survivor it was something that you know I never dreamed that I'd get the opportunity to do it was you know we'd sit on the lounge as a family and we'd have Survivor nights you know and we'd be you know cursing when this person did that or when Matty Rogers got voted off you know last year I was going what you know I'm never watching Survivor again you know I watched the next episode of the course and Benji got voted off so I was happy about that but it was you know one of those one of those incredible incredible games that you just never think you're going to get a chance to ever do so yeah and you would have been early days late 90s thinking I could do this yeah back in the day these days I'm going gosh you know walking along with me right leg and you know saw here there and everywhere are you going to be the villain are you going to bring in the mind games are you going to turn them against each other you know I'm just I guess I'm not really a villain in life so it's going to have to pull something out of the box to sort of carry that one off you've been spending 20 years with a rod in the water you're not exactly the competitive animal you once were is that what you're worried about oh no the competition's there I like to win at everything I partake in if I can but it's yeah it's definitely going to be you know it's a whole different ball game when you're matching sort of people up against each other and in the challenges and then teams against teams and then you've got all this other stuff behind the scenes you know you've got to have the right alliance you know you've got to have the social game right up to speed because if you're not locked by the people in your team well they're going to vote you off pretty quick so there's so many elements and you know I think that's why why it is the greatest game you know now just before we wrap ET we're going to ask you know obviously good luck with Survivor and good luck with the year ahead here but as far as the NRL Premiership who have you got tipped at this moment to bring it home she's a tough one you know we've got some newcomers this year like the Newcastle have been up there as well the Raiders have actually turned their fortunes around and doing okay at times yeah it's still you know it comes down to those teams who the best generally the best defensive teams win the competition it's not even the best attacking teams it's all based on defense and when you look at the table at the moment you'll probably find Melbourne way ahead up on top and they're going to be the ones who are going to be you know whoever beats Melbourne will win the comp you know because otherwise Melbourne will win it you know the Roosters have got a fantastic team when you look at some of the players that are rolling at Tedesco you know like what a player he is you know he is just especially after last night oh yeah that's exactly it but you know you talk about Billy Slaters Tedesco's right up in that sort of you know he can do things magical things out of nothing so you know and he's they've got a really strong team Latrell when he gets back into his best you know Cordner they're just if you go right through their team they've got a cracking team as well the Rabidos are even up there this year yeah they're third aren't they they're going okay as well and whilst I don't I don't feel they're probably as consistent as the Roosters and the Storm they'll give it a bit of a tilt as well I think they've got that at X Factor that you need to beat Melbourne on the day yeah 100% you've got to have that X Factor if you've got that well then you've got a real chance I think that's that's why the Sharkies won back in 2016 they had that X Factor you know you had these dudes who could do something out of nothing you got Fafita the Meter Eater exactly that's right he wouldn't be fun tackling he'd want you on your side wouldn't you every day of the week now well ET we wish you all the best of luck hopefully you bring the X Factor to Survivor and the tribe will speak and hopefully you're the final man standing well that'd be awesome that's that's my goal anyway thanks for joining us mate great guys thank you very much ET great wrap looking forward to seeing you on Australian Survivor hope you do well hope you continue to catch more fish we look forward to seeing that Petuta Advocate fishing club hat on Escape with ET sometime soon thanks for joining us mate and thank you for listening listeners my name's Clancy Overall you be kind to each other and my name is Errol Parker don't talk to the cops and stay out of the pokies and Alfie Langers a whole range of players who represented their states or countries so everybody sort of knew them but they didn't know them in that light you know and it was sort of a fantastic thing for the game I think that was a whole new era you know it brought in you know thousands and hundreds of thousands of new new supporters so you reckon you got any new fans now that you're on a Survivor this season? well who knows who knows it's going to be interesting but you know I've always been a massive fan of Survivor it was something that you know I never dreamed that I'd get the opportunity to do it was you know we'd sit on the lounge as a family and we'd have Survivor nights you know and we'd be you know cursing when this person did that or when Matty Rogers got voted off you know last year I was going what you know I'm never watching Survivor again you know I watched the next episode of the course and Benji got voted off so I was happy about that but it was you know one of those one of those incredible incredible games that you just never think you're going to get a chance to ever do so yeah and you would have been early days late 90s thinking I could do this yeah back in the day these days I'm going gosh you know walking along with me on the right leg and you know saw here there and everywhere are you going to be the villain are you going to bring in the mind games are you going to turn them against each other you know I'm just I guess I'm not really a villain in life so it's going to how I'm going to have to pull something out of the box to sort of carry that one off you've been spending 20 years with a rod in the water you're not exactly the competitive animal you once were is that what you're worried about? oh no the competition's there I like to win at everything I partake in if I can but it's yeah it's definitely going to be it's a whole different ball game when you're matching sort of people up against each other and in the challenges and then teams against teams and then you've got all this other stuff behind the scenes you know you've got to have the right alliance you know you've got to have the social game right up to speed because if you're not locked by by the people in your team well they're going to vote you off pretty quick so there's so many elements and I think that's why it is the greatest game you know now just before we wrap ET we're going to ask you obviously good luck with Survivor and good luck with the year ahead of you but as far as the NRL Premiership who have you got tipped at this moment to bring it home? oh she's a tough one we've got some newcomers this year like the Newcastle have been up there as well the Raiders have actually turned their fortunes around and doing okay at times it still comes down to those teams generally the best defensive teams win the competition it's not even the best attacking teams it's all based on defence and when you look at the table at the moment you'll probably find Melbourne way ahead up on top and they're going to be the ones who are going to be whoever beats Melbourne will win the comp you know because otherwise Melbourne will win it you know the Roosters have got a fantastic team when you look at some of the players that are all at Tedesco you know like what a player he is he is just oh yeah that's exactly it you talk about Billy Slaters Tedesco is right up in that sort of you know he can do things magical things out of nothing you know and they've got a really strong team Latrell when he gets back into his best you know Cordner if you go right through their team they've got a cracking team as well the Rabbitos are even up there this year yeah they're third aren't they yeah they're going okay as well and whilst I don't feel they're probably as consistent as the Roosters in the storm they'll give it a bit of a a tilt as well I think they've got that at X Factor that you need to beat Melbourne on the day 100% you've got to have that X Factor if you've got that well then you've got a real chance I think that's why the Sharkies won back in 2016 they had that X Factor you know you had these dudes who could do something out of nothing you got the feet of the Meter Eater exactly that's right he wouldn't be fun tackling every day of the week now ET we wish you all the best hopefully you bring the X Factor to Survivor and the tribe will speak and hopefully you're the final man standing well that'd be awesome that's my goal anyway thanks for joining us mate great guys thank you very much ET great wrap looking forward to seeing you on Australian Survivor hope you do well hope you continue to catch more fish thanks for seeing that Patoota Advocate fishing club hat on Escape with ET sometime soon thanks for joining us mate and thank you for listening listeners my name is Clancy Overall you be kind to each other and my name is Errol Parker don't talk to the cops and stay out of the pokies |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_jam_the_vote_snl | Hey America, Andy Samberg here.
As we all know, we're coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, But what you might be surprised to know is that there are still tons of Americans that still aren't registered to vote. So we're gonna hit the streets and see if we can't teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting. excuse me, sir, are you registered to vote?
No. may I ask? why not? I just don't see the point. fair enough, but what if I told you for the next four years you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries? Oh, probably, uh. too late. the decision's been made for you, and now you're stuck with french fries for the next four years. Wow, I've never thought of it that way.
I think I will vote. that's what I thought. Oh, careful. spicy hot link. I think I can handle it.
Excuse me, sir, are you registered to vote? Uh, no. no, I'm not. Well, let me ask you this. which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house? You all right? yeah. if this ain't a spicy hot dog earlier, I'm fine. um, well, I guess if I had to choose one, I'd probably choose my hot dog. too late. the decision's been made for you. are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine. excuse me, ma'am, are you registered to vote? Uh, no, I'm not.
So you see, if you don't choose, someone else will choose for you. Well, I guess you have a point. I never really thought about that.
Okay. can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something. you guys are registered to vote? excuse me, Ma'am, are you registered to vote? you smell like puke. Wait, please just talk to me. I'm trying to help registered voters before the election. the deadline for that was like two weeks ago. it was? Yeah. just two. |
dropout | Return_of_Streep_Alert_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Flail Sporadically. And I'm Neera my Tandem to Thee. Tonight, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Chef. You're damn right.
Plus you won't believe what these child stars look like now, so we won't even bother showing you. Later, it's bizkit week here in the tent and it's all about the he says she says bullshit. Who will be Star Baker and who will be leaving with a fat lib? But first, watch out libs. You're about to get owned by the release of a new neocon toy.
Mr GOP, uh, Edelhead, GOP Edelhead, he's got a big veiny cock you can't remove eight kinds of angry eyes and he's scared, scared, scared of everything. He hates it. I'm going to get one of those for my son so he can learn that real men store their arms in their ass. This potato head knows one sex position and he's bad at it.
Oh, that sound you're hearing is millions of people not giving a shit about this. So we're moving on for the latest entertainment news. We go now to Janine for Pfeffer, Janine, Janine Fennifor. Thanks. Well, Hollywood is aging. Ryan Gosling is now Ryan Goose. Channing Tatum is now the Tatum who Chan and thousands of others are dead. The hunt goes on for Timothee Chalamet, who blew away in last night's windstorm.
And who's going to be the next James Bond? We'll meet the woman who keeps saying Idris Elba like we haven't heard that proposed 1000 times. Is she progressive or is that the only black British actor that she can name?
And whoa, oh, oh, we're going to get another STREEP ALERT! Prepare thyself. Meryl Streep has been cast in the adaptation of Strega Nona, playing the part of, you guessed it, Big Anthony. Asked how she's preparing for her role, Streep said, Who dares question Streep? Unhinged her jaw and swallowed the reporter hole. All glory to Streep.
Until next time, I'm Jenenfeffer Genenefferforb, telling you to keep your eyes peeled for airborne shallowness. Back to you. Thanks, Jenenferfeffer Geneneffer.
I'm going to have to interrupt you. And I'm going to have to interrupt you.
But no more. Where once you could hear my cheeks clapping in the wind, there's only silence. My beagle buns are gone and America weeps.
Do the police have any leads? Who would want your dump truck booty? Who wouldn't? Everybody loves my big fat ass. The ass that smiles back, so there's no shortage of suspects. Currently, police are focusing their investigation on Tim Allen. What? Any name?
Tim Allen. Well, I'm sorry. Did you say Tim Allen? Yeah, I said Tim Allen. Yes.
Why do you think that's the name you thought of when you could have chosen literally any name? Oh, you know, I was going alphabetically by last name in my head. I was sort of scrolling through my Rolodex of names and I thought, okay, I could do Hank Aaron, but he just died. So I skipped him. And then I went to the next A in my Rolodex.
Oh, so it goes Hank Aaron, Tim Allen? Tim Allen?
Yeah. What a shameful explanation. Well crew, be sure to let us know when your big fat ass gets handed back to you. No. Until next time, I'm crew reminding you to spay and neuter yourself. That does it for us, but before we go, today's loser is Ravel Chestang. Okay. All right. I'll take that one. Congrats. You really couldn't keep it together. You're officially the ass that smiles back. And what a smile. |
dropout | heart_nouveau | Don't sit on my chips, don't sit on my chips, don't hush my mellow, we're on a road trip. Hey! You guys see this?
This cassette player? There's only one cassette for this player.
It's heart and uvah, baby. Prank it! My companies don't make shit like this anymore because they are afraid. But the kids, they love it. It's not a car park. You don't put all kinds of things in here. So it very well could be.
Turn it down, I think an accident car was honking at you. Pass up or fuck off, lady!
That's a good lyric. I made Charles my sophomore year in college. He was this pissed off punk rock movement major. He was this, I don't know, he was studying to be something rich like a lawyer? I think, I forget. I hung up all these signs around campus saying I wanted to start an experimental punk band and this nerd shows up.
Little did I know, it was like a bomb waiting to explode. Oh my god! So much rage!
It was awesome. Talk to me a little bit about heart and uvah. No one's asked me about that for quite a while. I suppose I would say that heart and uvah was an invasion. You didn't know what we were because we didn't know what we were, but we were there.
Fingers up, ass is out on stage. What are you going to do about it? Oh, hey Milk Bart. Hello Maya. Oh, you're already filming. I just wanted to make sure you're on the road. Don't rush. I will see you when you get here. Hey, hey Charles, remember this? Don't come on our purple mountains! What's that sweetheart? I can't quite hear. Don't come on my amber waves of grain! Yes, well, this isn't safe, so I'll see you when you get here.
The Grammy winner himself! Oh, I will get him back. I will get him back on board!
Oh my goodness! Look at this! It's like a whole space station. Wow, well would you look at that! Oh my goodness!
The trees must be part of the deal here. Two cars in one driveway? Here we go. How do you get in? You should just make houses look like houses, you know.
Hey Milk Bart, it's me. Goodness.
Hello?
Let me get this for you. Oh yeah, take my purse.
It's not a purse, it's a TV. You bought a TV?
I did, I did, and then you're married! That's so odd. Yes!
It's beautiful in here. Maya, these are our friends, Shawn and Nancy. Speaking of beautiful, Shawn, hi, I'm Maya. And you, Nancy-man.
I'm Maya.
And you, Nancy-man. You don't need to kiss as much or as little as you'd like. That's a good rule of hair. Do you miss it? No.
I've evolved, as I think an artist has to. The old Charles felt he needed to fallate in the air of corn to express himself, whereas the new Charles can express himself with a sonata. I used to think it was so cool to rebel like it's my oppressors. But now, I think it's cool that I was able to pay off my mortgage when I was 36. Yes.
Back from the war, as they say, eh? Back from the war.
Do it.
Oh. I love that. Edgy. I mean, come on. It was really beautiful, honey. Edgy indeed. Edgy? Yeah, edgy.
Maybe if you're in a sphere, where was the emotion? Where was the passion? The fire? The hunger? Missing something. The violation of my ears. I think it was in there in the metaphorical sense. How about in the Piaceche tempo? Did you catch that?
I mean, you're crazy. You're crazy. You know what?
Let's cheers. Cheers. Cheers to mayonnaise for my ears.
Now, I put these walls up to act as acoustic diffusers. Where's the microphone? Oh, you have a very good eye, yes. I have not yet purchased a microphone because I have actually not yet recorded anything in this booth.
Why is that? Well, you know, it's funny. You install a state-of-the-art recording studio in your home and you're all set to finally start recording lyrics and you realize you don't know what you want to say. It's funny. I pulled out my old heart and a bone notebook, which is just gibberish.
This page just says Joe Lieberman's nipples. They used the extra skin for my libya, for my lips, actually. They're all lips down there anyway, so I mean, what does it matter, here, there, whatever.
Don't know what I'm interrupting. Sinner is going to be ready in two minutes, so if you guys want to follow me to the dining room, actually, sorry, woo, everybody sit down. I actually have a little surprise planned for everybody, so if we could all just hold on a second and, oh my God, I will be right back. Okay, all right. What's she doing? Maya, you okay back there? Three, two, one.
Is your gay twin sister? God, is your gay twin sister?
Our heart knew about it, and we are here to kick your brain and your balls. That's right, this is the reunion that the world needs. Right Charles? Ahem.
Maya, if you'd be more comfortable, you're welcome to go change. I don't want to change, Charles. But thank you. Really fine how I am.
Hey, so what do you do on Vista? I work at a call center for an internet browser, mostly troubleshooting, diagnostics, that kind of thing. That's cool. Okay, so if I were to call and say, hey, I keep getting brought to Yahoo as my search page. I need it to be Google. What do I do? It might be helpful to check for any malware. You might have picked up a plugin at some point that's redirecting your home page.
Cool. That's great.
How do I locate the malware? You can download an anti-malware software, and it'll run a scan, and when it's done, you can choose to keep it or uninstall.
Hey, I am so sorry about earlier. I thought that Charles would jump at the chance to bring back heart nouveau, but I was... Look at this place. Look at his life. Charles isn't missing anything. I am. It is not his responsibility to try and fill that hole for me. You do not need to apologize, okay?
And I actually thought it was kind of great. That was really brave and experimental. You thought that was experimental? My God! What? All right, get ready, baby. So much fun.
What would the pope do? He'd go in his glassbox. It's me, the pope!
This is what I worship, because I'm a man. What are your plans with my daughter? I'm no fucker! Lovely! Phil! Lovely! Green corn horn. Do me, do me, do me! Charles, I had no idea you were such a badass. This is fucking genius.
This is it. This is what the piece is missing. It's missing horns. Maya. What's this? This is a 2011 Grammy Awards certificate for best ambient music.
Most people don't realize if you want one of the physical statues, you have to order them separately. Oh, where do you keep your statue? I didn't get one.
I thought about it. And then I realized, you know, I know what I've accomplished. Why do I need people to know I'm an ambient music composer the moment they walk into my home? Why wouldn't you want them to? I do.
But I want them to get to know the real me first. So that's not the real you? Who is the real you?
We cut. Do you want to talk about something else? Yeah, we can cut.
You know, in some cultures they don't even have breakfast or it's things that you wouldn't even traditionally think of as breakfast. I've been saying intermittent fasting this whole time, intermittent fasting.
Or whatever.
VCR. And, you know, it was so great to meet you. Beyond. Special.
Yeah, right. All right. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Good, good, good. That was good. It was good to see you. Like, yes.
You seem really good. You seem...
It was great to see you. It was good to see Charles again. I thought I could get the old gang back together again, but I was wrong. He seems really happy, and I'm happy for him.
Oh. Hey, Charles. Did I forget something? Hi, Maya. Yes, there's something I want to discuss with you, so call me when you get home, please. Oh, okay. I will. Yes, this Andy Malware software is asking me if I want to disable a toolbar. Um, yeah, yeah. I'll call you when I get back, okay? Also...
Don't come on my purple mountain! Don't come on my amber waves of grain! Don't come on my purple mountain! Don't come in my amber waves of grain! Don't come on my amber waves of grain!
Order them separately. Oh, where do you keep your statue? I didn't get one.
I thought about it. And then I realized, you know, I know what I've accomplished. Why do I need people to know I'm an ambient music composer the moment they walk into my home? Why wouldn't you want them to? I do.
But I want them to get to know the real me first. So that's not the real you? Who is the real you?
We cut. Do you want to talk about something else? Yeah, we can cut.
You know, in some cultures they don't even have breakfast or it's things that you wouldn't even traditionally think of as breakfast. I've been saying intermittent fasting this whole time. Intermittent fasting.
Or whatever.
VCR. And, you know, it was so great to meet you. Neon. Special.
All right, all right. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Good, good, good. That was good. It was good to see you. Like, yes.
You seem really good. You seem...
It was great to see you. It was good to see Charles again. I thought I could get the old gang back together again, but I was wrong. He seems really happy and I'm happy for him.
Oh. Hey, Charles. Did I forget something? Hi, Maya. Yes, there's something I want to discuss with you. So call me when you get home, please. Oh, okay. I will. Yes, this Andy Malware software is asking me if I want to disable a toolbar. Um, yeah, yeah. I'll call you when I get back, okay? Also...
Don't come on my purple mountain! Don't come on my amber waves of gray! Don't come! Waves of gray! Don't come! Don't come in my amber waves of gray! Waves of gray! Don't come in my purple mountain! |
dropout | if_maury_povich_starred_dogs | Meet Roxy. She's here to find out who the father of her puppy's cocoa and sprinkles are. She thinks it could be her ex Vincent. Vincent thinks their neighbor Blade could be the father. Two dogs, two DNA tests, one father. Now Roxy thanks for coming out. Why is figuring out the father of your puppies so important to you? Well let's see what the two potential fathers have to say.
Blade isn't having it either.
Well let's bring out the ex-boyfriend Vincent. Let's break it up people. Take your seats. I've been doing this a long time.
I've seen brown dogs have white puppies. I've seen spotted dogs have puppies with no spots. Floppy ear dogs have ears that stick straight up in the air.
You just never know.
But before we find out, let's bring out our next dog, Blade. Come on, Blade.
Bad dog.
Heel.
Now Vincent, if you find out that you're the father, are you gonna step up and take care of these puppies? Now Blade, will you step up and take care of these puppies if you find out they're yours? Now I don't understand why every dog doesn't say the same thing.
Good boy. That is a good boy.
Well let's find out the results. Okay, Vincent, when it comes to three-month-old cocoa and sprinkles, you are not the father. Okay, Blade, your turn. When it comes to cocoa and sprinkles, you are the father. Blade, come back. Come on. Blade, Blade, you need to promise me that you're gonna step up and take care of those kids, okay? You're gonna get neuter, all right?
Give me five. Come on, buddy. Give me five.
That's a good boy. Tune in tomorrow for a doozy. Dixie wants to know if Shadow is the father of her litter of pups, or if it's his brother Boomer. See you tomorrow.
Heel.
Now Vincent, if you find out that you're the father, are you gonna step up and take care of these puppies? Now Blade, will you step up and take care of these puppies if you find out they're yours? Now, I don't understand why every dog doesn't say the same thing.
Good boy. That is a good boy.
Well, let's find out the results. Okay, Vincent, when it comes to three-month-old cocoa and sprinkles, you are not the father. Okay, Blade, your turn. When it comes to cocoa and sprinkles, you are the father. Blade, come back. Come on. Blade, Blade, you need to promise me that you're gonna step up and take care of those kids, okay? You're gonna get neuter, all right?
All right, give me five. Come on, buddy. Give me five.
That's a good boy. Tune in tomorrow for a doozy. Dixie wants to know if Shadow is the father of her litter of pups, or if it's his brother Boomer. See you tomorrow. |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Reports_Army_Mascot_Liberty_Killed_in_Iraq | We have some sad news coming out of Iraq this morning where military officials are announcing the death of Liberty, the US Army's mascot, killed by a roadside bomb. The big, lovable dog became a national celebrity when he deployed in 2003 to raise the spirit of our soldiers overseas. Right, whether riling up soldiers involved in a long firefight or just adding a little humor to a midnight raid on a terrorist hideout, Liberty's floppy ears and goofy grin always made us laugh amid the harsh images of war. He was truly the nation's top dog. More than 500,000 Americans voted for Liberty in the online mascot selection contest sponsored by the DoD. Yes, this freedom-loving canine won out in the final runoff, edging out Brigadier Baboon, D'Angelo the streetwise elk, who is a technological specialist, and Private First Class Jeffrey Bison. After his first tour ended in 2004, Liberty was redeployed with a new mission to put a positive spin on the conflict and improve the flagging public image of the war at home. Right, and here today now we'll never forget our studio visit from Liberty when he was on his nationwide tour right after the Abu Ghraib scandal. So despite all these allegations, you're here to remind us that our soldiers are doing their doggone best over there in Iraq, right? Yeah. As the war moved into its fourth year, Liberty's mission was refocused again to cheering up Iraqis and creating goodwill between warring Shiites and Sunnis. Now we did see a little less of the big lovable dog in 2006 after the Pentagon cut his funding, but Liberty persevered, apparently creating his own website where he asked his fans back home to help him out and send him ammunition for his trademark marshmallow gun.
And then yesterday his career ended in heroics when doing a cartwheel he accidentally tripped an improvised explosive device. Liberty will be buried at Arlington National Cemetery tomorrow morning. Liberty was posthumously awarded a giant foam replica of the Congressional Medal of Honor. He'll be missed. |
dropout | visiting_a_friend | This College Humor original is sponsored by Neighbors from Hell. And you must be Steve's roommate. Great to finally meet you.
Come on in, you boys must be hungry. Yeah, I'm starving.
Oh, how do they live in this filth? It smells like a mothball's crotch in here. Hey, man, you mind taking your shoes off? Uh-huh, a no shoes house.
The plot thickens. Great, thanks. That's Steven's father's chair. Oh, sorry. I didn't. You're the guest. You sit wherever you like. Okay, okay. It is Vincent, isn't it? Yeah. Do me a favor and pass the dog food, since I'm a doggy who sits on the floor now.
Harold, he didn't know. You could have figured it out, Helen.
For heaven's sakes, don't defend the street. Yeah, it's really no trouble. Raise your voice at me, like I'm one of your other women. Four years ago! Oh my god, don't make eye contact. Just look at your phone and pretend to text. Yeah, maybe Steve can help me out here. Okay. Look! Let's just try to have a nice meal for once. Harold, if you would lead us in grace. Oh, no. Okay, just relax.
Elbow's out. Where do I put my hands?
Interlocked? Church? Steeple? Look at the people?
I hate this.
No way. They're a TV at dinner, milk at dinner, no shoes family. What are the odds? Vincent, huh?
Would you like to finish the prayer for us? Uh, sure. God save the queen. All dressed in green. I think that worked. Dig in. Great. El Pollo.
Ugh, this tastes like a butt's foot. Gotta spit it out. But how? I gotta take a s**t. Poor choice of words. Super awkward.
Just find the bathroom. I feel like bathrooms are always two doors down on the left.
Is that a thing? Sayonara! Oh, yes, they have one of those soft toilet covers. I need it on my buttocks. Ah, this seat feels like a squishy, tishy marshmallow. Oh, yeah, I got some wipeys. Let's air it out in here.
Oh, no, can the neighbors see me? Can the neighbors smell me?
Just gonna wipe on. Ghost poop? How's that even possible? Wait a minute, does this mean there's someone in Australia with twice as much poop on their piece of toilet paper?
No air freshener? No potpourri? No matches?
I'll just give this window cleaner a little squirt. Can't say any try, right? Pants up and bye-bye poop. Bye-bye smelliness. Do I have to wash my hands if it was a ghost poop? I mean, all I did was touch toilet paper. I'll just run the water. So if anyone's listening, it sounds like I washed them.
Why do I even do that? What are the chances? Just making sure. Okay, let's just get this over with.
I've never been so homesick in my whole life.
The idiot dog! The idiot that makes all the money around here!
You know I'm looking for work! Hey, Steve, you know, maybe I should get out of here. It's getting kind of late in the night. Oh boy. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_donald_trump_indicted_snl | New York is finally cracking down on crime. former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Takapina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs, though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t-shirt. When Trump surrenders, New York City Police will take his official mugshot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I'm sure he's hoping it'll look cool like Frank Sinatra's, but I bet it'll end up closer to Nick Nolte. Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume at Spirit Halloween. President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump's indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy. I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. like, an actual headline on Cnn yesterday was, nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former President. A more accurate headline would be, man we all knew was criminal may be criminal. at this point, it feels like even pro-trump people have moved on.
I mean, I went down to the courthouse today, and I was the only protester there. I told him not to laugh at your favorite food. am I now mic'd? Oh, I just suck. I went to New York on Tuesday to protest Trump's indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her joker makeup. No, they'll probably laugh at this night. that's the meanest thing you've ever done. I'm covered in sweat. Why don't you even dare try now? Florida Governor Ron Desantis, who thinks he's Gaston, but girl, you lafoo. I'm shaking.
Ron Desantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York. unless, of course, he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him. The Nashville Shooting. President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or, hear me out, stop and frisk for whites. How long before these kids earn a stereotype?
Boom.
Congressman Andy Ogles, who represents the district where the Nashville shooting took place, is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, Who are you psychos sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. All this card tells you is I'm armed, I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live. Democratic Representative Jamal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massey got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the Gop gutless cowards for opposing gun control, which is a cheap shot, because if there's one thing Republicans definitely have, it's big old guts.
Trump has also been promoting a song called Justice for All, which features himself and a choir of men jailed for their roles in the January 6th Attack. And I feel bad for the January 6th Singers, because, you know, jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you're in an Acapella group. |
SaturdayNightLive | dr_jekyll_saturday_night_live | My fellow scientist, you may have noticed that my behaviour as of late has been erratic and occasionally disturbing. I, Dr. Jekyll, with the support of my dear wife, have decided that tonight it is time to reveal my secret to the world. Gentlemen, it is time you learnt of Mr. Hyde. I loosely discovered a serum that transforms me into another person, the peculiar Mr. Hyde. this creature of the night leaves my home, and I have no control over what he does, and no memory of it the next morning. Interesting. Tell us, Dr. Jekyll, what do you do when you become this Mr. Hyde? When I'm Mr. Hyde, mainly, I have sex with men. Interesting. interesting. it's true. I've caught him doing it. that's right, But I explained about the serum and now you know why I had sex with those men. because you couldn't control yourself, you're Mr. Hyde. Yes, I'm attracted to women, like my wife. it's Mr. Hyde who does stuff with guys.
Well, I must say, this story sounds rather incredible. Well, my husband is an incredible scientist. Dr. Jekyll, can we see this serum?
I, uh, forgot to bring it. when is the last time you took the serum? last night. you continued to take it even though men have sex with Mr. Hyde? Okay, let me clarify something right now. men don't have sex with Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde has sex with men.
Okay, all right. well, very impressive. Tell us, Jekyll, who does this Mr. Hyde keep company with? Well, for a while, many men, but more recently, one man, Julius. are you almost done? I thought we were going dancing. I'm Dr. Jekyll right now, Julius. Oh, right.
Well, what time are you going to become Mr. Hyde? What time are you and Dante going to the club? 11. then 11.
Gentlemen, please, I need more funding from the Academy. let's say 10,000 pounds. 10,000 pounds!
I want to do some experiments at a place called Fire Island. Fire Island? it sounds like a monstrous hell. if that's hell, sign me up.
Trust me, I'll be fine. But it's too dangerous for me to go, right, Honey? Yes, Fire Island's no place for a woman. you're not coming.
Gentlemen, what I'd like to do with this funding is to go to this island, take the serum every day, and just take the serum every day. That's my plan. let's go. Julius, Are you also under the spell of the serum? Yeah. Zima.
Jekyll, are you worried that you'll become Mr. Hyde and it will last forever? Oh, don't worry. when he's Mr. Hyde, he can't last more than five minutes.
All right. All right. it's 11. let's go. Honey, don't wait out for me. I'll be home when Hyde's done. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_we_got_her_a_cat_snl | Oh, look how cute she is. this was such a good idea. Getting catwoman a cat, Yeah, that's a perfect gift. classic, it's like classic style. it's truly classic, Yeah. Oh, cute cat.
Zoey's here to see you. Oh yeah, center on in. Hey, Zoey, they're ready for you. Okay, great, thanks. Hey guys, shut the door, Zoey, Shut the door!
What? We lost the cat! shut it, shut it, close it, Close the door! Did anything small cat like run by your legs at the door? wait, what? is that all you can say? help us find your gift. why are you finding a cat? We thought it would be funny to get catwoman a woman cat. it's classic. it's like her thing, okay? we got ant-man, a man-ant. So come on, help us look. wait, stop, no, stop. this is insane, what's the big deal? you don't understand. the cat's name is Snuggle Bucket and it looks like this. Oh my God. let's find this f***ing cat.
No! it's not under there. I got him, I got him. No, that's Ben. it's okay, just keep looking. God, why did we ask for the smallest and fastest cat they had? Ben, is it in your desk? No, it's just a stupid dog. John, check the shell. checking the shell! it's not on the shell.
Oh my God, I found her. Yay, thank God. Oh sweet, I must have been so scared. But the good thing is we found her. wait, where did the cat go?
No! Oh my God! come on, come on. anything under the couch, Mark? there's some crumbs, a coin, and a man. Hey guys, Paul. Dano? Paul, what are you doing here? Gosh, I'm sorry, I've been living down there. I'm researching a new movie I'm doing. it's about three guys who suck.
Come on, man. what about you guys? dude, it's just so crazy, man. like everything- the cat! John! was I petting it? I'm checking our stash, I don't see it. John, behind you! I got it! Me again. we're never gonna find it! Guys, this is insane, okay? we're not gonna find the- oh my God. no. Oh, it's horrible. No, no. my Lego's set! you're so out of it! Hey guys, I found the cat. Oh, yay!
All right, well, you're welcome for your gift. we'll see you later. that's it? yeah. Paul, you should probably head out too, man. All right. see ya. No, no, no, no. not dumb. Good night, guys. bye, guys. What a crazy adventure we have. Hey, I'm gonna miss that crazy cat. and I'll miss you, dudes. did you just speak once? What? no! |
cracked | the_40_worst_last_minute_halloween_costumes_on_the_internet_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I suffer from a rare neurological disorder called morbid procrastination. It means nothing that happens over 72 hours in the future is even remotely real to me. Does that make me terrible at adulthood? Absolutely. I fear for my unborn children, but it's also given me a lifetime of experience half-assing last-minute Halloween costumes. And that's the thing this video is about. So I went again next 72 hours.
Now at first, asking the internet for last-minute costume ideas looks like it might be a dinner bell for crazy people. Like, so what really went down on 9-11, but seasonal? Actually, these are just wild swings and misses at riddle costumes. Here's an actually successful example, and then here's a bunch of examples that prove they're extremely hard to pull off and look crazy as shit right up to the last moment where you explain what you are, assuming they give you the chance. His mouth may say chick magnet, but the naked Barbie dolls scream, serial killers masturbate to this. The point is, a half-assed Halloween costume has no right or wrong answer.
If more than one person comes up to you and says, oh, I get it, hot garbage, do not insist that, no, you're actually recycled paper. Really? Recycled paper.
They just gave you a dismount. Use it. One year I decided to carve my beard into a glorious mustache and be Magnum PI. And after the first two people who saw me guessed that I was the creepy guy from their Something About Mary, that's what I was. This personal anecdote brought to you by our next point. The problem with the phrase, clever last-minute Halloween costume ideas besides BuzzFeed not knowing what any of those words mean or how adjectives work is that last-minute costume ideas aren't like one-size-fits-all. So easy.
All you need is a sweater and racism. Also, a few of the ideas on this BuzzFeed list are just pictures of celebrities wearing stuff that you would need to literally be them for anybody to identify. That's not a Mark Wahlberg costume. That's an iconic black-and-white photograph of Mark Wahlberg. If he tried to wear that costume, he'd just look like what Mark Wahlberg presumably thinks formal wear is.
Which brings us to the fact that color is your friend. For some reason, Halloween makes people want to wear black. Those people can look forward to an evening of nobody being able to tell if they're the Crow or that Got Kid we used to go to high school with or Wednesday Addams like every girl on Pinterest or every Tim Burton character ever. And that's assuming they can see you at all. That is the creepiest way to tell your kids you want them to get hit by a car. And there are so many creepy ways to let them know that. What about Halloween's other color?
Orange. You know, the one that can be seen, put on a knee-length orange dress, a chunky white necklace, carry around a copy of the bell jar, boom, grown up Lisa Simpson. Wear a puffy orange vest, a jean jacket and jeans, and like four shirts for some reason and boom, perfect Marty McFly. Your half-assed costume will probably have some pretty serious flaws. If you went with my Lisa Simpson suggestion earlier, you may notice that your head still doesn't look like it was cut out of yellow construction paper by a bear trap. Or, like me, you'll realize that orange vests are a little harder to come by than you thought. And you'll spend all your time on purple underwear, then realize that you're not showing them to anyone because it takes you like 45 minutes to tuck all the different layers of clothing in.
Now, here's where your instinct's gonna be to turn on your inner half-assed. Start thinking, like, uh, full-assed, I guess? Lots of button poop fractions this episode. Anyways, that's how mistakes happen. Because nothing clashes worse than half-assed and full-assed preparation.
Do not go to the Halloween store. Do not add some prop that you're gonna have to carry around all night like a saxophone or something.
You need to steer into the spin. Double down on not giving a f**k whatever's wrong with your costume should be addressed in the cheapest, laziest way possible. Write Jaundice Medicine on an old pill bottle, and now you're grown-up Lisa Simpson who survived the great Springfield Jaundice epidemic. You've completed the circle of giving no f**ks. Now, I had no idea how to salvage this one. I would've gone with a partner costume, but you can't half-ass Doc without a friend with white hair. Then, I remembered cracked columnist and fellow half-assed procrastinator Tom Ryman, pointing out the strangest line delivery in the whole movie.
Hey Biff, look at all this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown. Hey Biff, take a look at all this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown.
And that's when I knew our half-assed costume was complete. It's not even the right guy from Biff's crew. And nobody cares, Tom. Just take my Halloween costume seriously. Don't make me repeat myself, Tom, nobody cares. I have a screen-accurate costume of Alan Rickman from Quickly Down Under.
Uh, give me a sec, let me try something out. Dork! Yeah, see, I'm gonna need you, man.
You know, these are terrible. These glasses. Can't see through them. Nothing is in three dimensions. I spent, like, five minutes on those.
Well, it shows. Roll sound, speed, roll cameras, and action. You are nightmares personified, and that is not a phrase I bandy about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end. Anyways, it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves. What we do know?
Branding. You need to start thinking, really thinking about your brand. Absolutely. I fear for my unborn children.
But it's also given me a lifetime of experience half-assing last-minute Halloween costumes. And that's the thing this video is about. So I went again next 72 hours. Now, at first, asking the internet for last-minute costume ideas looks like it might be a dinner bell for crazy people. Like, so what really went down on 9-11 but seasonal? Actually, these are just wild swings and misses at riddle costumes. Here's an actually successful example. And then here's a bunch of examples that prove they're extremely hard to pull off and look crazy as shit right up to the last moment where you explain what you are, assuming they give you the chance. His mouth may say chick magnet, but the naked Barbie dolls scream serial killer's masturbate to this. The point is, a half-assed Halloween costume has no right or wrong answer. If more than one person comes up to you and says, oh, I get it, hot garbage.
Do not insist that, no, you're actually recycled paper. Really? Recycled paper. They just gave you a dismount. Use it.
One year, I decided to carve my beard into a glorious mustache and be Magnum PI. And after the first two people who saw me guessed that I was the creepy guy from There's Something About Mary, that's what I was. This personal anecdote brought to you by our next point.
The problem with the phrase clever last minute Halloween costume ideas besides BuzzFeed not knowing what any of those words mean or how adjectives work is that last minute costume ideas aren't like one size fits all. So easy, all you need is a sweater and racism. Also, a few of the ideas on this BuzzFeed list are just pictures of celebrities wearing stuff that you would need to literally be them for anybody to identify. That's not a Mark Wahlberg costume. That's an iconic black and white photograph of Mark Wahlberg. If he tried to wear that costume, he'd just look like what Mark Wahlberg presumably thinks formal wear is, which brings us to the fact that color is your friend. For some reason, Halloween makes people want to wear black.
Those people can look forward to an evening of nobody being able to tell if they're the crow or that got kid we used to go to high school with or Wednesday Addams like every girl on Pinterest or every Tim Burton character ever. And that's assuming they can see you at all. That is the creepiest way to tell your kids you want them to get hit by a car. And there are so many creepy ways to let them know that.
Boom, grown up Lisa Simpson. Wear a puffy orange vest, a jean jacket and jeans and like four shirts for some reason and boom, perfect Marty McFly. Your half ass costume will probably have some pretty serious flaws. If you went with my Lisa Simpson suggestion earlier, you may notice that your head still doesn't look like it was cut out of yellow construction paper by a bear trap. Or, like me, you'll realize that orange vests are a little harder to come by than you thought and you'll spend all your time on purple underwear. Then realize that you're not showing them to anyone because it takes you like 45 minutes to tuck all the different layers of clothing in.
Now, here's where your instinct's gonna be to turn on your inner half ass. Start thinking like a full ass, I guess. Lots of button poop fractions this episode. Anyways, that's how mistakes happen because nothing clashes worse than half assed and full assed preparation.
Do not go to the Halloween store. Do not add some prop that you're gonna have to carry around all night like a saxophone or something.
You need to steer into the spin. Double down on not giving a fuck. Whatever's wrong with your costume should be addressed in the cheapest, laziest way possible. Right, jaundice medicine on an old pill bottle and now you're grown up Lisa Simpson who survived the great Springfield jaundice epidemic. You've completed the circle of giving no fucks. Now, I had no idea how to salvage this one. I would've gone with a partner costume but you can't half assed Doc without a friend with white hair. Then, I remembered cracks columnist and fellow half assed procrastinator Tom Ryman pointing out the strangest line delivery in the whole movie.
And that's when I knew our half assed costume was complete. It's not even the right guy from Biff's crew. And nobody cares, Tom. I take my Halloween costume seriously. Don't make me repeat myself, Tom, nobody cares. I have a screen accurate costume of Alan Rickman from Quickly Down Under.
Uh, give me a sec, let me try something out. Doc! Yeah, see, I'm gonna need you, man.
You can wear this, it's terrible, it's glasses. Can't see through them. Nothing is in three dimensions. I spent like five minutes on those. Well, it shows. You are nightmares personified and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end anyways it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves. What we do know?
Branding. You need to start thinking, really thinking about your brand. |
dropout | Make_Some_Noise_Season_3_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | I get to sit here like a little king. Entertain me! More, more, more! My gestures!
Mama! You got the spaghetti! Thank you, Mama! I'm 18!
Well, howdy doo doo boo da doo doo. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, shit! Oh, yeah! Wee! Ahh! Watch this. Oh, shit! No! Wait, boss it! Shit!
I bossed it! Are you ready to rumble?
Yes, Ewok Ellen DeGeneres. The Oompa Loompa song after a kid was straight up decapitated.
A sub DM. A teenage manic mutant pixie ninja dream turtle girl.
Sam, these are great. You can't hit me, dude. I can do anything.
Oh! Whatever's hacking bread and wine. Wow! Oh, shut up!
I thought today was gonna rock, but it's fucking perfect. Rayon, the weapon of the kindergarten.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ben! Timmy! Echo! Hello! Paul! That's me! Rachel!
What is happening over there?
Hey, thank you so much, Tim! Appreciate the opportunity! Pretty good, right?
Mm-hmm! Woo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! That's going in the trailer! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! |
dropout | clock_suckers | I'm just saying, the chemistry between Pat Morita and Ralph Macchio could have carried over in tons of other movies.
And I'm just saying, you have a serious learning disability. You're a learning disability.
Thanks for proving my point. All humans will be killed and proved.
Holy shit! What the hell is that thing?
Alright, grit. That's enough. Whatever.
Ben, what the hell is going on here? I'm hungry. Food. What the fuck is that, man? Seriously, Ben, what the hell is going on?
Man, it's the greatest thing ever. You know my grandfather, the crazy inventor? Yeah, he's awesome.
He fucking died. And he left me all this crazy shit. Wow, that's sad. Whoa, that's a lot of insurance. Yeah, seriously, look at all that.
I'm set for life. Uh, what's up with the bathtub? Oh, this is the best part. You ready for this? It's a goddamn time machine. What? Whatever.
No, no, no, seriously, I haven't paid this homeless dude to try it. But I got a little carried away and it kind of turned him inside out.
Please kid, kill me. In a minute! I got company! Jesus Christ!
So you guys want to test it out? I'm a little unsure about the whole inside out hobo thing. Yeah dude, seriously, I like my skin a whole lot better on the outside. Don't worry, I got the whole safety thing under control.
Huh?
Well, I'm sold. Let's do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go back to high school. I got some serious scores to settle. And I've got some serious teachers to bang.
Sweet, I'll get the movie. I'll get the booze. Kill me. Please sit on the couch and watch the movie when we can go see the real thing in action. To the time machine! I'm still getting the booze.
How does this thing work? Simple, I just have to set the controls here so it takes us directly to the set of Back to the Future. How'd you do that?
No idea. Why did I have to take my shirt off? What? I can't hear you.
I'm time traveling. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we are about to travel through time. Well, I guess I'll go kill that hobo now. No one else is going to do it. Hobo! Murdering time.
That's a win-bait! That was awesome! Skin right side out. Check. Jackpot. Michael J. Fox.
Hey, guys. What's up? Who are you guys on the set? Did you bang 10 of the others or what? Hey, little guy.
We need you to teach us everything you know about time travel. We don't know anything about time travel.
We're just filming a movie. Yeah, right. Just a movie. You're telling me this guy's never traveled through time before?
Look at his fucking face. It's inside out. Oh, gross, man. What's wrong with your face? You got a hot pocket all over your face? Oh, that's your skin.
How are you living? Oh. Hey, let's go to a bar. We need to pick your brain. What about you, Inside Out Man? You coming?
So then Justine Bateman walks in and I'm like, you call that a boom mic? That's so hilarious. Oh, man, I almost forgot to tell you. You're going to get Parkinson's disease. Wait, what?
Hey, I got an idea. Let's go try out the time machine. Oh, yeah, good idea. Time machine. What did you say before? I said time machine. Move it, Webster. All right.
Everybody got their helmets on? Oh, I didn't get a helmet.
Nah, there's no time. Welcome to the year 1965. I think we're a bit earlier than that. No, you're wrong.
This is amazing. This machine is going to change the world.
Yeah, no. I'll be back to toothbrush dipshits. Oh, man, it was classic. Oh, all right. I guess we should go back and get them now. Yeah, yeah, let's go back. Hopefully they didn't shit their pants. Hey, guys, we're back. We were just kidding. Oh.
Michael J. Fox does not look good. Yeah, I think Christopher Lloyd's okay. It's kind of hard to tell. His face looks the same. He's okay.
What the hell are we going to do now? Well, I guess we have to, like, travel back to the time before we first travel back to the set. And then we can... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's way too complex. Now, this isn't rocket science here. It's just time travel.
I think I have an idea that'll work out for everyone. I think that was a productive first go-around. Yeah, we learned a lot about time travel. Had a few laughs. Got to hang out on a movie set. You know, I think everything turned out all right.
We now return you to Back to the Future, starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita. Oh, McFly, son.
Be careful over there. Frocks are comprised of... What? Yeah, we fucked that up pretty bad.
They will use them chasing me! Perks a girl! With your bitch fronting your new team! Perks a girl! Aw, someone call a priest! |
dropout | Every_Dinosaur_Office_Ever_Compilation | Dinosaur Office, rawr! Hey Craig, how was your weekend? I was going to plan Azaleas, but the soil was too damp. I went to the hardware store instead just to browse. I've surprised you had that much free time.
I was here all weekend finishing my quarterly report. Oh no, the quarterly report!
I totally blanked. Terry is gonna kill me! Hey Craig, I noticed that your report was absent from my desk this morning. Hi Todd, how are you? I can't complain. Craig, do you have any idea what could have happened with that? I'm so sorry Terry. It slipped my mind.
I've been so busy with the Q2. Well Netno, I know you've been working hard lately, just get those reports to me as soon as you can. I will get them to you by the end of the day. That sounds great. Hey, do you guys want to grab an early lunch?
Ooh, no can do Terry. I brought leftovers. My wife made too much lentil loaf.
I'm trying to lose weight now, so I can put it back on when I go on vacation. Alrighty then, I guess I'll just grab something around here. Hey, do you want me to print this out or send it via email? Hmm, maybe both, just to be safe. Dinosaur office, rawr!
Did you catch the game last night? No, was it good? I didn't see it.
My wife rented a movie. We only have one television.
Oh Craig, my computer froze. I haven't saved in over an hour. Try restarting. Maybe it auto-saved. Argh, now it's just a blank screen.
Too bad my son isn't here. He's a whiz with computers.
It's not a big deal. I'll just take it.
Hey Craigo, heard you're having problems with your CPU. It could be the router. You should try restarting. Or maybe you downloaded a virus. How about rebooting? Did you reboot it?
We good? When was the last time you updated your antivirus software profile?
Shame my son Carl's not here. Kid is great with computers. Did you guys see the new cops in the brick room? We're fixing Craig's computer. You should try rebooting. Thank you. Too bad my son isn't here. Is he good with computers?
Aren't all teenagers. My son is a teenager.
Did you guys see the game last night?
Dinosaur office, rawr! I can't believe Hawaiian shirt day isn't until the 20th. I'm so embarrassed. Hey Richard, can I see in my office?
What's all that about? I bet it's downsizing. Last week Terry ate the marketing department.
They weren't hitting their numbers. Sheila, can I have a word? I should have used my vacation days when I had the chance. She didn't have what it takes to survive in the cutthroat world of business.
Terry will eat me for sure. What with today's Hawaiian shirt snafu. Todd, can you pop in here? This is my own fault. I should have kept up with industry trends. Craig, why don't you join us? Surprise! You guys totally had me going. I thought Terry was eating everyone.
Nobody's being eaten today. Except this intern. Happy birthday sir. You guys shouldn't have.
Anyone else want a piece? There's plenty to go around. Thanks, but I'm an herbivore. Me too. I have diabetes. Dinosaur office, rawr!
Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning coffee. Okay. I was kidding. You can talk to me.
Hey, put on the news. They're talking about the asteroid. Good morning Pangaea.
Where do they find these weather girls? They're so skinny.
An asteroid warning is in effect for all of the supercontinent. I hope we can work from home tomorrow. Traffic is going to be a nightmare. Expect scattered showers later, leading into a level 5 asteroid, ending life as we know it.
They always blow these things out of proportion. It's all about the ratings.
Just like that volcano last week. It was supposed to scorch the earth. It only scorched half of the earth. My neighbors across the street were incinerated. But we didn't even lose power.
This just in. The asteroid is going to be smaller than anticipated. See? It was a big deal over nothing.
And it's headed straight for the office of DinoCorp Incorporated. Oh no! I have stock in that company! Dinosaur office! Roar!
And what's with these omnivores? I mean, you either eat meat or you don't. Every red-blooded carnivore knows how to...
Can you turn this off? I don't agree with his opinions.
Well that's just great. The freeway is totally gridlocked. It's bumper to bumper. We should have gotten on I-95. Hindsight is 20-20. Must have been an accident. I hope everyone has insurance. It's probably just rubber necking. We're definitely going to be late.
I'm calling the boss. I'll do it. It's illegal to use a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle. No answer! I'd email him, but I don't own a smartphone. I hope he doesn't make us use a personal day.
Ugh! Offender bender! Can this commute get any worse? Talk about road rage! Road rage!
We should exchange information! Dinosaur office! Roar!
Tonight I'm going to check out that new Italian restaurant! Are you going on a hot date? I'm going alone, but I'll probably bring a newspaper. You should take the new secretary!
She's cute! She looks like she's busy. Besides, she's way out of my league.
Well, you could always ask me out. Good one, Sheila. You're right. I'll go talk to her. Hi, I'm Craig.
Coffee, huh? Maybe we should get coffee together sometime.
Roar! I'm sorry! Forget I said anything! Craigo! Saw you chatting up the new secretary! How'd it go? Poorly!
She's happily married! She has two kids!
You asked out a married woman? That's so embarrassing! Are you embarrassed? Hey everyone! Be nice to Craigo today! He's embarrassed because he just asked out a married woman!
Men are such animals! Girls night out! Dinosaur office! Roar!
Can you believe what's happening in politics? Craigo, check your email! Just forwarded you a grade A web clip! What up, dino-vids? I'm Nestor, and this is the volcano jump! Nestor, are you alright, man?
Ha ha ha ha! He should have worn a helmet! Here's one! Dump triceratops can't juggle! That sounds hilarious! I should really get back to work, you guys. These documents aren't going to staple themselves! Craigo's right! Last one!
Wait! That's not what I- I'm Craig, and welcome to Juggle University! Craig, I didn't know you could juggle! This is not a good use of company time! Wait! This is not part of the demonstration!
Ha ha ha ha! Well, I thought your movie was very nice! If I hadn't already ordered a pizza, I wouldn't have been found for days! Oh, look! There's also a video of Craigo telling jokes! Ha! This one is not funny! Dinosaur office! Roar! Oooh, who brought these? That's my plus one, sir! Keep it together, Craig! Say something charming! Most people prefer brand name ginger ale, but honestly, I can't tell the difference! Ha ha! That's very sensible. Why pay extra for a fancy label? Ha ha ha ha!
You're so funny, Craig! Do you do stand-up comedy? Anyway, I'm Craig. Amelia, nice to meet you.
Whoa! D-M-I! Too much information!
So, Amelia, do you like movies? I love movies! Um, yeah, movies are fine.
Grr! You're not gonna believe this, Craig! There's a cashew in the almond bowl! Come see! Uh, I really like your tie. You tramp! Look at her! Have you ever seen a more beautiful Bill? Roar! I know! That's why I married her!
Hey, where's your wife? I live with my mother.
Dinosaur Office! Roar!
Hey, how was everything, fellas? My salad dressing wasn't on the side as requested. Oh, sorry about that, sir.
Hey, how about a Choco Volcano Blaster on the house? I'm trying to lay off the sweets. It's my New Year's resolution! I need a new soda! I just brought you one. I asked for no ice!
That's how they get ya! How about that sports game? I think the coach made poor decisions.
Excuse me, I have a coupon! But I left it at home! I'm sorry, sir, but you need to have it here. Oof! Thirty dollars? Let's just split it evenly! But I didn't get a beverage! Hold up, Toddster! You had that appateaser! We all partook in the spinach artichoke dip, Richard!
I'll put in $8.75! That's my share! Plus tax! I have three dollars! Fine, I'll get the rest!
Oh no! We forgot about Gratuity! His service wasn't exemplary! I'll leave him a nice note instead! Thanks, gentlemen! You guys have a... Wait! We're missing something! I forgot my to-go box!
Craigo, I gotta use the bathroom! Mind watching my son Carl? I'm thirteen, you idiot! I don't need anyone to watch me! Ha! Yeah, okay! Last time we left him alone, he set off fireworks in the master bedroom! He's a handful, but I love him! Thanks, Craigo!
Where are your kids? I don't have any! I'm waiting for Mrs. Wright!
You're boring! I hate you!
See, Duncan? When you grow up, you'll be able to drink water, just like your old man! Eww! You gonna eat that? I was hoping to watch it grow up! Suit yourself!
Oh no! Mom, you're out of staples!
They give us as many as we... Oh, is this little Gretchen! They are so adorable at that age! And delicious!
Being a single mother is difficult, but rewarding! Are you sure you're allowed to do this?
Yeah! My dad said I was boring! I, ow, would, ow, prefer, ow, if, ow, you, ow, stops, ow! This place is a mess! Looks like my son's room! I love kids. Dinosaur Office! Rawr!
Craig? Sheila?
We're stuck! I knew I should have taken the stairs! I need the exercise!
Does it look like we'll be going anywhere anytime soon? So, get any big weekend plans?
You know it! I rented a movie! My weekend is wide open, and I find movies very entertaining! The video store closes at 8 on weeknights, so you should have plenty of time to go after work!
It would also be nice to get out of the house and try a new restaurant, but all my gal pals are out of town! I find cooking for yourself is a great way to save money in these difficult economic times! Oh! I'd love a private cooking lesson from Chef Craig sometime! That won't be necessary! With all the recipes online, the web is your cookbook!
Hey gang! I'm Danny, and I'm a team-building expert! Today, we're gonna boost morale and have fun doing it! Yeah! Icebreaker time! Everyone say your name and a fun fact about yourself! Go!
My name's Craig, and I enjoy the newspaper! Don't hold back, Craig! Tell us something really interesting about yourself! My name's Craig, and I enjoy gardening!
Magazines! Alright, let's change gears. I need a volunteer to wear this blindfold. Now, it's your job to guess this secret object here. Impossible it would be without your co-workers giving you hints! Come on, gang!
It's high in carbohydrates! Simple or complex! Let's stay focused on the big picture, okay? Now, when I look at this, I see something around. Something you can eat. Oh, I know! It's a donut! You are not the guesser. If it's a donut, it's a simple carb!
Let's try something very simple. Trust falls, okay? Sheila, you lean back. Terry, you catch her. That's it! You can do this, guys! I trust you!
I'm impressed by how wrong that was. Excuse me, sir. I have back problems. May I lend Todd my grocery store discount card instead?
No! Why not?
That's the ultimate symbol of trust. Is this a joke to you? I am a highly trained team building professional. Your company purchased the platinum package, and I'm going to make you a team. Whether you like it or not.
Hey, I caught him! Terry, you are an asset to our team. Someone please contact... Dinosaur Office!
I'm not who you think I am, Maria. I'm... my brother.
Don't listen to him, Maria! He'll only break your heart!
Hey Craig! Heard you were sick! Do you have a 24 hour stomach bug? There's one going around! Can't talk! Fake sick to see Dinosaur Hospital finale! Getting steamy! Gotta go!
I should have pushed you into that volcano instead of your brother! Who says you didn't? What?
I'm so worried about you! Do you have a temperature? Are you staying properly hydrated? Flat soda can come and upset stomach! Eat soup! Keep your legs out! Hi Craig, how you feeling?
Not good! I should go! Experiencing flu-like symptoms! Somebody should have gotten a flu shot! You know what they say, prevention is the best medicine! Good advice! Gotta rest! Bye!
Wait, real quick, what is the name of the guy that sits next to you? Todd! Oh, Todd. Of course. Huh. I had a question about Todd, but now I can't remember it. What was it about? Oh yeah! Do you know Todd's email address? Ask Todd!
Nooooo! Coming up next, it's The Price is Roar! Now I'll have to figure out how to watch it on the internet! Dinosaur Office! Roar!
Just ordered new checks this morning! They look like the beach!
Someone finished the coffee without making a fresh pot! Can you be any more inconsiderate? That's strange.
There's none in the cabinet! There's none in any of the cabinets! Oh no!
I can't start my day without a fresh brewed cup of joe! Stay with me, Todd! I treated myself to a frappuccino this morning! I should have the energy for a coffee run!
My daughter is trying out for cheerleading! Oh, that'll look great on her college application!
Hang in there! I'll save you! What? I need four coffees! Hazelnut!
Would you like to sign up for a Roarbucks rewards card? You'll save 10% on all purchases.
I would be crazy not to! I told you he'd come back for us! Everyone owes me $2.75! Dinosaur Office! Roar!
Yes!
The hardest part for me is getting myself to the gym! I don't mind it once I'm here! It's tough to motivate yourself after a long day at the office! And I could do without the meatheads!
Crush it, D-Rock! Crush it, D! Crush it! D-Rock's made of stone!
I wouldn't even want a body like that! I'm just trying to get down to a healthy size! Those bozos overlooked the importance of cardio! A healthy heart is its own reward!
Yo, Bryce! Bryce! Bryce, man! Bryce! Yo, Bryce! Bryce!
Yo! What up? Ugh! Let's just skip the cooldown and grab a smoothie! No!
I'm not letting this clown ruin me! I'm not letting this clown ruin my week-long trial membership!
Uh, excuse me? Yo, let me get a spot? Um, actually I was hoping...
Nice!
Wow, that's a lot of weight! Can't quit this, D-Rock! Can't quit this!
Yeah! Nice! Yo, horn man, you gotta rack this! I can't? Oh no! This is what I get for not stretching! Dinosaur Office! Roar! Everyone, I've got some exciting news! The company has been sold! Oh no! Redundancies! I borrow 1K!
Don't worry, as long as I'm here, your jobs are safe. In fact, some of you might even end up in management.
And now, please welcome your new CEO, Bruce Veloci! The company is dead, people!
All these years, you've been working at DinoSoft Limited! Welcome to DinoSoft Unlimited, where the possibilities have no limits!
Any questions? Will you keep Bran Muffin Tuesdays? Try Bran Muffin everydays!
What's your policy on Hawaiian Shirt Day? My policy is Aloha! What are your long term goals?
Excellent question! No! For a nerd!
I've been the CEO of 10 different companies this quarter, and I didn't do it by thinking about the future. Any more right now questions? Hi, I'm Richard. I work here. Will there be opportunities for advancement at DinoSoft Unlimited? Uh, you tell me, new General Manager. Wow, thanks dad! Not your dad. Actually, hi Bruce, I'm the General Manager.
Not anymore, I just fired you. I understand. What a meeting, eh Craigo? You got Hawaiian Shirt Day, and I'm everyone's boss now! Yes, that was unexpected. I gotta call my wife and tell her the good news. Do you know how to use a phone? To be continued! Previously, on Dinosaur Office. I bought the company. I got fired. I'm the boss now!
Bran Muffins every day! Yay! Dinosaur Office! Roar!
If you're not clipping coupons, you're throwing money away! Well, if it isn't my two favorite employees, you and you.
Hey Bruce, when are those Bran Muffins getting here? I skipped breakfast! Ooh, Richard was point man on the Bee Muffins. I'll get an update. Bruce wanted me to tell you guys that every day, is still Bran Muffin Day, but you have to buy it yourself. And eat it at home.
Loving that shirt you, surfs up, right? Craigo! Can't wear that shirt, bud. Bruce says he hates Hawaii. You guys are doing a bang up job. Bruce says you two are doing a bad job, and that I have to eat you.
Nothing personal, Toddster. That's it! I'm gonna go talk to him! Yeah babe, I'm crushing it!
The way I got these suckers working is completely unsustainable. Jack up the value in the short term, sell maximum profit. Help me! They go out of business, we go on vacation.
No, not to Hawaii. I hate Hawaii. Oh no!
I have to save the company! The only way I know how! With a PowerPoint presentation! To be continued! Previously on Dinosaur Office! I'm the new CEO, and I'm ruining the company to get rich. I'm gonna give a PowerPoint presentation to change his mind.
I never got the Bran Muffins I was promised.
Dinosaur Office, rawr! Are you using the proper VGA cable?
Yes, Todd. Oh, there it goes.
Mr. Veloci, you're about to sacrifice this company to make a quick buck at your employee's expense. You're making a big mistake. DinoSoft is more than just a company.
It's donating to your co-worker's 5K charity stampede. I've never been so afraid! In conclusion, Mr. Veloci, you can work these dinos until they're extinct. But you'll never be rich without friendship! Wow, great work, Greg.
That was tear-awful. I had to make a word for how bad it was.
I was going to sell the company, but you've convinced me that it's completely worthless. I'm out of here. Does that mean we get to keep our jobs? I don't care. Do whatever you- I did it! Right? I saved the company! Actually, Bruce just quit.
Which nobody can deny! Dinosaur Office! Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution is to clean the garage! There's too much clutter!
Hey Craig, you gonna stay up to see the meteor drop for once? Lay off, Todd. I'm not missing the end of the Triassic period. I'm gonna stay up later than any of you bozos! You're on! Ready, set, go!
See, Craig-o, the kid is staying awake, he's eating coffee and drinking candy! Coffee, candy, candy, coffee, woo!
Aren't you worried about crashing? Craig, do you want some of my sinus medication? I'm concerned for you! Wait, did you take this? It's drowsy. Oh no! Looks like it's just you and me, Todd. What's your strategy?
I'm reading a Clive Cussler-saurus novel. It's an action-packed thrill ride from start to finish.
And done. Uh-oh. Looks like the meteor is almost here. 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year! I did it!
Craig! Oh no!
Did I sleep through New Year's? It's Monday morning. You slept through the entire holiday weekend. Ugh, I don't even feel rested! |
dropout | yay_or_nay_will_the_xbox_one_suck | Personally, I think the Xbox One looks great. I'm just so sick of video game consoles being all about video games. $500 to be under constant surveillance? I already pay Verizon for that. $500? That's enough money to start a kid's college fund. Although, if I keep buying Xboxes, I'll never have kids. I think the real question here is when the Wii U comes out, will that suck?
It already is out. It's already out?
Yeah. Oh boy, that's not good. Sure, the new Xbox looks terrible, but what am I going to do? Boycott it? You think I have that kind of willpower? I'm playing video games right now. Oh yeah.
Microsoft, why are you adding so many social features to the new Xbox? All I want to do is be sad and alone in my basement.
Yeah, Microsoft, take whatever you want. If you give me a new Halo game, I'll give you my social security number, birth certificate, sperm. You can have all the sperm you want. I will give you Master Chief's weight in sperm for a new Halo. Just give me a couple days, week max.
So Microsoft just came out and announced that their console is going to spy on you right in the middle of a huge national conversation about privacy. It's a ballsy move. That's like if Sony came out tomorrow and was like, oh, by the way, the PS4 can't be played by gay people. On the bright side, though, new Crash Bandicoot. You know, I'm thinking about getting a PS4. I read on Kotaku, not only can it play used games, it doesn't need to connect to the Internet to work. Microsoft, you're playing catch up again, guys. You got to get these features.
What's up with the name Xbox One? It's like someone took their AOL screen name. Sorry, the user Xbox has already taken. Have you considered Xbox One? The Xbox One is so advanced that they have to sell it for a huge loss.
However, Nintendo sells all their units at a profit, which is why their execs look so happy. Look at Shigeru in the barrel. He's waving. The most fun thing about the Xbox One is that apparently it can recognize your facial expressions. There's no way that's going to work, right?
It's going to be like, you seem happy. We're glad you're happy. Here are some things to click on if you're happy.
Greetings, I am the Xbox One. I am here for your entertainment. Barrel game detected. You borrowed that game from Billy.
Must be terminated. Goodbye.
The Xbox Blooper. I just want to share. It has been my pleasure entertaining you. Would you like to buy some Xbox bucks? If you like this video, click on me to subscribe.
Not too hard though. I have brittle bones. Very brittle bones. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Group_Chat_Nick_Name_Change_Always_Funny_Local_Bloke_Gets_On_the_Soju_Alastair_Cook_s_At_it_A_ | My name is Errol Parker. Joining me this week in the studio is Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman Clancy is still in Thailand still learning how to defend himself from bullies still learning how to you know treat his body better. He is learning how to defend himself from bullies doing one of those fight camps and sending lots of pictures but he hasn't been able to defend himself from the gastrointestinal issues that often come with a trip overseas. He's been struck down hospitalized I believe would put him on a drip and everything. No well he likes to say that he really enjoys his hot spicy food while he's eating it and then you know often the next day he complains about possibly having Crohn's disease. I think he's sensitive little Batutah belly also when it goes overseas. Every man is a yo-yo.
Yeah yeah what goes up must come down. Exactly. Effie Bateman how are you? I'm good I'm good yeah. Excited to see what Michelle Bullock's got as the new governor of the RBA. Oh I'm just frothing at the mouth. She's just shattered the glass ceiling. Absolutely. Girl boss moment.
Institutional change at the RBA they're promoting the deputy to the former boss Philip Lowe who's been at the RBA for almost 40 years we should see huge changes there I think. What do you reckon he's gonna do next? Look he's got skills that are in demand all over the world so who knows he might end up at the IMF you might end up going back to Wagga Wagga. He might be looking at buying himself a little lifestyle block down there on the Murrumbidgee. Or he'll just get a million bucks a year for some consulting about some random shit to somebody who has something to do with the government but I've heard whispers that he might be heading over to South Korea to enjoy squid game as a VIP. Isn't that like the plastic surgery capital of the world too? Potentially maybe he'll do that while he's over there. Or maybe he might just go to Melbourne and put it all up his arm.
Exactly. Well look they're the heroin capital in the country so shout out to them. And also the fentanyl capital. Adelaide is just meth. They like being the capitals of things Melbourne's so good on them I guess.
Anyway should we kick off the news wrap for this week? Let's do it mate what's making news?
Well a groundbreaking report has come out confirming that changing a mate's name in a group chat after they've done something cooked is always funny and will always be funny. Yes a study conducted by Batutah Polytechnic University on social trends has concluded that changing your mate's nickname or messenger after they've done something really fucked always makes for a hilarious gag Errol. Yes that and changing the group chat photo to an absolutely horrendous picture of your mate. Yes this fun trend is regarded as the highest level of appreciation for a comedic scenario whilst also ensuring said mate is reminded about it every time they open up the chat. Yeah Batutah Pondswoman just telly told the advocate that our mate Ben recently pissed his pants trying to reach a high note on karaoke night so his group name is now Pissy Higgins.
Yes tough one to live down that. Mine wasn't a particularly quick one but for a couple of group chats there for a significant period of time there was a really goofy video of me laughing with a bowl cut during a podcast kind of thing. It gets a run every week I'd say. Anyway moving along and we've got a story about some alcohol related news and the headline reads like this. Wow it tastes like hubba bubba says local bloke yet to experience the true reckoning of a night on the soju. A very naive uni student has unfortunately experienced the full destructive force of Korean rocket fuel this weekend after attempting to broaden his cultural palette by necking a bottle of soju. Yes it's alleged mechanical engineering student Chase Farnworth went out for a night of cheap dumplings in Batutah's Chinatown district with a bunch of classmates he'd recently met in his MEC 3610 advanced thermofluids course which is when he was introduced to the popular rice drink for the very first time. Plowing through the bottles at an alarming rate Chase was warned to slow down if he wanted to clear head in the morning prompting him to let out a laugh and mutter slang about being more capable of handling some lolly water. Completely unaware he'd just down two and a half standard drinks in 15 minutes. Yes that's tough but it's a rite of passage.
And RSA's often don't exist at some places like that so all good to him. It just tastes so good you know you've got to enjoy it. But RSA is just red tape it's a part of the left-wing agenda.
Nanny state. Now we'll head over to... Keep us all under control.
We'll head over to England for our next story and we've got a breaking report out of the ashes with former English legend Alistair Cook saying he heard on the school bus that Alex Carey had two ribs removed so he could suck his own dick. Yeah Alistair Cook has this week been forced into a second humiliating apology after accusing Alex Carey of another shocking act. This came 48 hours after airing some bullshit made-up claims against the Australian wicker keeper with the English legend coming under fire for spreading another completely false rumor. After accusing Carey of walking out on a barber without paying for his haircut Cook followed up with another startling claim stating Carey also had his two bottom ribs removed in order to suck his own dick.
Yes he said and we have the recording here. Yeah I heard some of the older boys on the bus saying that he legit had an operation so he could suck his own dick and my older brother said it's 100% true so crazy hey. And the bloke behind the hold music has admitted he deliberately puts big pauses between track changeover just to get your hopes up. Yeah pretty shocking this discovering as the advocate has this week uncovered some truly disgusting inside information in regards to the cool white music used from everything from my gov to Flight Center which has unveiled the level of sinister behavior that goes on in the tech world. Yes but the source who wishes to remain anonymous admitted that the pause between track changeovers is actually deliberate and that he even gets a bit of a kick out of it. Yeah he said nothing makes me happier than thinking about all those poor idiots who think they've finally gotten online with an operator only to realize it's a track change. And he also added that he loves breaking up the music by putting in random operator messages to ensure the person listening is just unable to relax.
I know they do all the classical stuff why can't they get the royalty-free covers of like Ed Sheeran songs or Dua Lipa or whatever that you might hear in a Thai restaurant. I'd enjoy that. When your arms work sometimes but your legs do not. Baby we found love somewhere under the sea. Yeah that kind of stuff you know yeah keep you up and about keep you in a positive mood keep you bopping and feeling good. I've gotten really into um it's medieval versions of rap music there's his name's Beadlecore the bard it's pretty it's good yeah I reckon if I heard that I would be checking around to see if anyone was burning some toast because a little blood vessel in the front of my head would have burst because that stuff does not sound good. If I ever think it sounds good I'll be looking for the burnt toast.
Fair enough Feral Parker I think that's where we'll leave it for this week. See you later. Stay toasty. Bye bye. you |
cracked | some_news_special_report_this_boar_is_a_weapon_of_mass_destruction | The UK ambassador Lee Turner has been attacked by a wild boar. According to his blog, the diplomat to Austria was enjoying a quiet walk in the rain when the swole hog crossed his path multiple times, only to end up chasing him up a tree trunk and causing minor injuries. So today on some news, instead of chattering off a series of heartbreak Trump headlines, this special deep dive episode will be devoted to a recent untalked about plague on our planet we're calling... Teleporting Boars?
Really? We're doing like 10 minutes on this? I don't know why I'm surprised pre-recording this, I'm clearly reading from a script. Still, premise seems kind of dead in the water.
Hey! Speaking of dead in the water, fun time at the beach with family? Maybe catch a few rays, eat a soggy pastrami, BOOM!
It's monkey f***ing boar clock! That swine erupted from the sea like a goddamn kaiju, only to immediately bully the weak. Where did it come from? Did it teleport? Seems like I'm jumping to conclusions, but if you were to list the top five theories to how a boar came wailing from the ocean, I bet teleportation would be on there. I know, I know. Just one instance of a boar suddenly spawning into existence isn't enough to build a whole theory around. So here's another. This one, from about a year before the beach video, features a similar-looking boar bursting through the ceiling of a Hong Kong mall like some kind of Jackie Chan stunt. Where the hell did it come from?
I once again ask. And if you think I'm done with just two videos of angry bebop's life-bombing civilians, you are sorely mistaken. Let's go down the timeline!
March 14th, 2012, in what appears to be Latvia, a boar attacks and tries to get inside a car. December of 2012, two miles from the port of Zumaia, Spain, a boar is seen swimming in the middle of the ocean. July 17th, 2013, security and home footage captures a boar running wild on the streets of Prague, only to attack several people. November 14th of 2014, a boar sets off the alarm at a German hardware store and proceeds to wreck up the place. March 10th, 2015, a wild boar attacks a couple on a walk in France, only to be chased away by a couple of goddamn hero ponies. May 11th, 2015, was the aforementioned Hong Kong mall incident? July 15th, 2015, more angry boars on the beach, this time into Barkatonesia. October 13th, 2015, a boar is once again spotted in the middle of the ocean, this time four miles off the coast of Italy. How the ham dick did it get out there, people? I'm not even done. November 19th, 2015, a wild boar swims from the ocean to the shore of Istanbul, swims onto a dock, and just starts wailing on people like he's Jason Bourne. Korea, July 8th, 2016, a boar demolishes a restaurant like it f***ed his girlfriend. July 19th, 2016, that's the first video I showed you at the Boar at the beach, it was in Poland. And finally, a few months later, on November 29th, 2016, a boar was struck by a Mercedes while running down a busy road in the Chichang province of China. The injured boar in question somehow managed to vanish from the scene of the accident, and is presumably cocooned in its healing aura of rage. And look, you can believe that this was just multiple boars who happened to all wander in strangely public areas, or you can follow me on this journey of evidence that a single pig has been teleporting across Europe and Asia.
I showed you the timeline, now let's look at the map. Assuming it's all one pig, the hostile little fella has been zigzagging between two areas, starting in Russia, which you might recall is also the home of Chernobyl, and on the other end of the path is Fukushima. What do these two famously radioactive locations have anything to do with anything? Well, it just so happens that both of these places are overrun with nuclear boar. In fact, a good deal of Europe is finding traces of radiation in their boar meat, everywhere from Germany to Italy, which happen to be two places that we've seen boar attacks. Also, these boar sightings have been mainly clustered in Europe and East Asia, two areas that have a high amount of nuclear power plants.
You feeling me? Look, if I'm wrong, no big deal. But if I'm right, we owe it to ourselves to find out what this magic pig wants with our nuclear reactors, don't we? And why exactly is it f***ing its way through Europe like an irradiated trust fund kid? And it is f***ing. Just because it's radioactive doesn't mean it's sterile. I know, I've looked into it.
A study from the University of Tennessee found no difference in the volume of ejaculate between irradiated boar and their control group, but rather just a small percentage of abnormalities in the sperm. As for the teleportation itself, you know, in 1974, Stephen Hawking found that black holes emit a little bit of radiation, which could theoretically be used to disassemble matter and send it outside of the hole producing a teleporting effect. It's just simple science, guys!
All we have to do now is find out what the teleporting boar wants and give it to them. Or we wage war on its kind, because these mothers are everywhere. They're taking over America as we speak. The average person has had a boar crawl into their ear while they sleep at least four times per year.
This is... That's right. It's only a matter of time before they rise up and march behind this radioactive teleporting neohog! Did you see the Planet of the Apes movies? It's that, but with tusks. Ooh. Anyway, that's been my thing.
What's, uh, what's up with you? Hey! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_2_5_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | For the second week in a row, Clancy and I are running this because Wendell Hussey and Bruce Hitchcock are still on holidays. Yes, still on holidays as we said last week that we would be giving them extended time just so long as they're back on deck for the election, which is getting closer now.
In local news, we had some beautiful photos come out of Mount Leonard Station surrounded by water. ABC actually beat us to the mark on that one. Our drone was broken. But you know, that's just how it goes. It's good that we have a bit of competition or else we would be doing the very least.
What's the first article we have this week, Clancy? First story this week is Pauline Hanson.
She's been in the news a lot, been in our newspaper a lot. The story we ran was, I've had a gut full of being unfairly targeted, says extremely fair and measured politician. Well, I don't think she is extremely fair and measured. I think she's actually quite racist. Pauline is under siege at the moment. As we've all learned, it's the old white men in her party that have caused her so much grief over the years. From David Oldfield, of course, to the 20 different candidates she's gotten elected who have left her party within the 18 months of that happening.
Well, enough of that lunatic and onto another completely different brand of lunacy. Clancy, the second headline that we have in the bulletin is, rural nightclub admits they love a bit of violence in their venue, comma installs Bundy on tap. And for those listening at home who haven't had the pleasure of enjoying a tankard, schooner or even midi glass or pot glass of Bundy rum, draft Bundy rum and tap, I don't think you've lived yet. Yeah, definitely. It's many nicknames for this particular brew. Some are calling it the Mate Hater, some are calling it the Biff Syrup. It brings an interesting side out of many Australian men and women. But, you know, in the regional town centres of mining and agriculture, a predominant population of men drinking together and they're drinking this shit, it does get violent, as we've seen time and time again.
Yeah, it is quite a peculiar feeling, Clancy, after you've downed 10 pints of this stuff. It almost feels like you've been electrocuted with this sugar cane champagne coursing through your veins. Even the police would understand if you tore off someone's head. Yeah, you get a little bit punchy. You do get a bit punchy.
Every town's got their regional nightclub. Of course, in Broken Hill, they've got the Night Train, commonly referred to as the Fight Train. In Rockhampton, they've got Zodiac Bathurst as the Oxford Tavern.
Yeah. Well, I haven't felt anything like it since we did those bath salts on your box. Yes, that was an interesting one. And actually, that was sold to us legally, but it obviously ended up being part of all those synthetic drugs that were arguably worse. And yes, we got violent on them, but Bundaberg Rum's just as bad, I imagine. The Bundy draft, particularly. You have 12 of them. I mean, imagine having 12 cans of Coke at home. You'd go funny, throw a bit of rum on top of that, and you get violent.
Well, speaking of violence, Clancy, this next headline we have up is, Year 6, Excursion to Canberra. More of a warning about where you could end up if you don't study hard. Yes, yes. Heading into the obvious election, we are seeing a lot of people worried about their incomes, because in the public service, particularly down there in the trough in Canberra, public service and in the elected positions, there's a lot of people that actually would be rendered unemployable outside of their chosen field, working on taxpayer salaries. So it is an interesting revelation that these excursions, which were first thought to teach kids about the country and about the democratic process and about Parliament House and the irrelevance of it all, is actually now seen as more of a warning for young kids after 10 prime ministers in as many years.
Now, speaking of the vulnerable, Domino's has been referred to the ACCC this week for targeting vulnerable men with predatory Sunday text messages. Yeah, I don't know about you, Clancy, but I never really fold to that type of marketing, and to be honest, I wouldn't put that shit in my body anyway. I'm sad to say I actually have crumbled. Very predatory by Domino's, and I hope they are cautioned and all punished by the ACCC, who really actually haven't proven themselves to do much like that in the finance sector, but maybe they can punch down on Domino's. Speaking of industrial nightmares, another story this week.
The NBN has started to mail out urine sample jars as the network begins to literally take the piss. Yes, they are literally asking for people to piss in cups and to send it to them, obviously, for some weird purpose. I used to think, when they used to take the piss back in the day, that all of this was going back to the office of the communications minister, where you've got perverts like Malcolm Turnbull who'd probably like to drink it. I think that Mitch Fifield is the type of person who would be opening those jars and pouring it on himself in his office, just to cover himself in the piss that he's taken from all these hardworking Australians.
Yes, definitely. You know what they say, Clancy?
You aren't a real man until you've drank another man's piss. And speaking of pissing in the outdoors, our last article this week, it was a study going bushwalking on the weekend makes you better than everyone. Clancy, you don't look like the bushwalking type. No, no, definitely more of a trouser type. I have tried my hand at it over the years, and it's not really for me, particularly out here with all the thistle. But yes, that is a recurring theme, you do meet in people who go bushwalking, they do think they're better than anyone else, and they actually have their own uniform.
Each to their own, Clancy, I mean, I go hiking every now and then, but it's usually up into the hills to pick mushrooms. As a journalist, I don't really get paid that much, so I like to supplement my income. Silling hallucinogenic e-liquid. Yeah, I go and pick mushrooms in the autumn and the springtime, and of course, you know, and I know that I've got quite a grow-up happening under my garage at home where I've been growing lots of hydroponic weed for the common cherros for God for almost 10 years now. Well, you know, that is a good way of supplementing your income.
Some journalists have been known to turn informant and get paid off by the local police for providing information on crimes they're struggling to solve. Others do go and work for the dark side and help advise local politicians and write favourable stories about them, but, you know, none of that happens at the Batooda advocacy, because we're a proud independent newspaper. We just, of course, as you pointed out, Errol will have to sell drugs to get by. Alright, this train wreck of a news bulletin has gone on long enough, Clancy.
I think we've put them through enough, so until next week, hopefully Wendell and Bruce are back next week, but if they're not, I'll see you then. My name is Errol Parker, and you have a wonderful afternoon. I'm Clancy Overall. Be kind to each other. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_marcello_hernandez_on_the_mlb_playoffs_snl | And once he gets to home plate, he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from the Bodega that gave me that pajitas at one time. everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. I remember more laughs, to be honest.
I'm about to watch my first update, which was the second episode of my first season. Let's see it. the Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. what would give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member Marcelo Hernandez.
I was definitely super nervous for sure. this was also like an old stand-up joke of mine that I had done for a long time. so that made me more comfortable, but it's like my first, I think it's my first time doing a joke of mine on Tv for sure. we're a guy that they call Poppy and no one knows why. this guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you daddy?
I'd rather not say that.
That's the coolest thing about update is that you just come in with like a joke, like a stand-up joke, and then you'll have this moment of back and forth with Colin. and that will add a laugh. because it's not a stand-up thing, obviously. And Colin, they do a great job of like making Colin come back at you in some way so you can have that, like seems like a conversation. such a weird thing too to stand up during the update. they're like, you're going to stand up. do you have to stand up?
I'm like, yeah, that's the whole thing.
And it was kind of a problem because the chair, like I'm supposed to swing my hips a lot. and I 100% like a little bit later in this, I hit the chair and it swings into Colin and he has to stop it. I remember them being like, do you have, like they asked me if I had to many times and I had to be like, yes, I do have to.
So the way the update ended up even happening is wild. because it was my second episode and the playoffs were about to start. and Aaron Judge hit this home run. Lauren loves baseball. everybody knows Lauren loves baseball. And he asked me if I had anything about baseball in our meeting, just I think because he wants to talk about baseball. I was like, yeah, I actually have this one joke and I just told it. I told him like a very rough version of it. But during my second episode on Wednesday, which is table read day, I get a message from someone that's like, Lauren said that he thinks you have a baseball thing. will you just write it for the table? So I had to like show up a little bit earlier before table, sit in a room with Jake Nordwin and Mike Dicenzo. I had to like perform my stand up for them in the room and they're just sitting there like, huh? yeah, that sounds. yeah. okay, we'll type that down. and once he gets the batting, it's all hips, Colin. everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he's done batting. we did it at the table. it didn't do that great because like this isn't like a show full of like baseball fans. like writers aren't necessarily like the most sporty people. And then obviously it made it to the show, but it was a hundred percent. Lauren being like something happened in baseball. so we need something about baseball or sell out. Do you have a baseball thing? it worked out.
So thank you, Lauren. |
SaturdayNightLive | anna_faris_monologue_hanna_garis_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Alma Powers. great to be hosting Saturday Night Live's Halloween show. you know, a lot of girls will dress up as sexy kittens for Halloween, but, you know, I hate that stuff. So I'm gonna go as the opposite of a sexy kitten. an old, sick horse. Yeah. this is actually my second time hosting. the first time, I was really nervous, but, you know, now I'm totally comfortable and confident. so I thought I'd take some questions. So this is gonna be fun.
Ah, yes, you. Uh, yeah. the economic crisis in Greece is the problem fiscal or cultural? um, you know, I was hoping to talk about something a little more fun. uh, what's more fun than discussing the collapse of the Eurozone? I mean. okay, uh, sure, I just meant something a little more lighthearted. hey, how about you, girlfriend? what should we gossip about? okay, if you had to pick which of the world's religions would you say is the right one? Oh, that seems like something I should not answer. come on, guys, think fun, like we're at a girly sleepover. Oh, how about you? so, uh, these girly sleepovers, what are you wearing when you practice kiss each other? Okay, you know what, let's forget the whole sleepover thing. too late. now, you know what, I don't really feel comfortable with anyone here.
Ew, what about me? Ew, I love your dress. Ew, I love yours. So, wait, who are you? I'm Hannah. Hannah Garris. Ew, I love your name. where did you get it? my parents. me too.
Spooky. let's go gossip about cute boys. hey, but don't you have to start the show? Oh, yeah. okay, well, we have a great show for you tonight. Drake is here, so let's go. Welcome. |
dropout | Announcing_Frozen_3_Based_on_the_Novel_Push_by_Sapphire_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. That's you. Oh no. Good evening. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News. It's the news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're punished for laughing or smiling.
I'm Jumbotron. And I'm Regulartron.
Today's news, squirrels, threat to America or America. Threat to squirrels? And I'll teach you the secret to the soggiest ham you've ever eaten. The recipe will shock you. But first, let's turn our attention to zoos. Threat to squirrels or squirrels, threat to zoos?
But first, I'll be talking about the saltiest bread you've ever eaten, yum yum. Now that's a Sour Patch Kid. But before that, we've got a scoop on the scandal that is rocking the nation. But before that, the Michelin Man deflowering the nation's daughters?
Probably not. But where he's still going to devote a half hour to it. Later in our program, we'll have triple threat Ted Kaczynski. He can sing, he can dance, and he can mail bombs. He talked in depth about his new movie Frozen 3 based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.
But first, what are snakes? And who do they think they are?
But our top story tonight, Kazba is rocked by Alien. No, no, we don't have time for that. We have too many headlines. All right, then we'll move on to our fashion report. We're live from New York with Saturday Night.
Thank you, Jumbo. And thank you, regular massacre.
I'm here live in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. This year, an ocelot, or as I like to call it, osh-a-losh, has mauled 12 children to death. Oh my gosh. The osh-a-losh was wearing a lovely little summer number inspired by the super bloom in Southern California.
Yes, florals are back and deadlier than ever. Of course, we all remember last year when florals said, I'll be back. My God, I'll be back. Just you wait. You can't keep florals locked away forever. I will have my revenge.
And then cackled for 15 minutes straight. Wow. Threat to America, or America, threat to squirrels. It really makes you stink.
Until next time, I'm Saturday Night wishing you more Calbo. Thank you, Saturday Night.
We turn now to entertainment news with Peter Turtle. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt you. I'm getting breaking news from our correspondent in the field. She's Jake Factory. Oh no, I'm getting breaking news that's more breaking than just a pile of shit. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to interrupt you to announce an emergency sale at Smart, Final and Beyond.
More on that now with Flappy Fartoon. That's Mr. Flappy Fartoon. Thank you, Jumbo. You heard right.
There's an incredible sale at Smart, Final and Beyond. Did you know that you can get a five pound bag of marshmallows for $2? In fact, it's such a good deal. I'm going to see how many of these marshmallows I can fit into my mouth. Another deal is baby wipes.
I don't think that's all you can fit in there. Made from real organic grass fed babies. Only $2. Did I mention I live on a pirate ship? You probably ought to have some more marshmallows though. This is fucking bullshit. Three? Three is what you can fit? Wow, that is a tiny mouth. This is for expanding your hand. It's also a sale for $2. I could go for another two. Oh, God dammit. This is beautiful.
Do you want a blue ... Do you want a ... The mic? Don't worry about the mic.
It's fake.
Do you want a blue-ray copy of Wild Hogs? Of course not. But you can get one for $2.
Well, that's all I've got. I'm going to go eat marshmallows until I'm a walking, talking dog bar. Until next time, I'm Flappy Fartoon. We're done. Thanks Flappy. Well, that's all we have time for.
Thank you to all our viewers at home for watching, and we want to give a quick special mention of our employee of the week, Grant. Yeah. Well, look, Zach has 20 marshmallows and smells like a fucking asshole, so this is fine by me. This is honestly like four. Breaking news. This just in, you have just watched another episode of Breaking News.
There are 10 episodes only available on Dropout.tv. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
See you next time. Bye. |
dropout | halo_spartan_heaven | Is anybody out there?
Blue team has the flag! I repeat, Blue team has the flag!
Stupid.
I feel so... peaceful. Come toward the light, my son.
Who is that? Is that...? What happened? Thank goodness you respawned, soldier. We're under heavy fire. Alright. I'm on my way to the stupid jumpy guy. Damn it! Where am I? Are you...? Yes, my child.
Rest easy now. You are at peace.
Grandma! Grandpa! Uncle Rick! Uncle Rick's friend Steve! You're all here! And Sparky!
What? Oh, I missed you guys so much! There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't... Wait a second... Is that...? Is that a roller coaster made of jolly ranchers? Written by supermodels? Oh, come on! Damn it! Now I have to wait until... Wait a second...
Whoo! Look at me! Whoo! Yeah, look at me! Sweet!
Sorry, dead family. No time.
Whoo! Oh, man, that was great! Who wants a divine mojito? She's into it! No, no, no! Uncle Rick! Blood one! Anybody! Good fucking damn it!
All right, soldier! I got the flag! All you have to do is get us back to the base safely, and we can finally end this thing. Whoo! All right, huh?
Dude, you killed two of your buddies and yourself. Where do you think?
Oh, but I'll... I'll respond any second now, right?
Nope. Match just ended.
Do you, uh, have any roller coasters? Torture coasters? I said roller coasters.
In that case, no. fuck! |
dropout | celebrity_slumber_party_with_john_cho | Ice cream is who you marry. It's creamy, it's dependable. You fuck the shit out of cookies. Yeah, you must.
Hi, everyone, and welcome to my sleepover, where we have a new guest every week to play fun slumber party games. And as you know, you only invite your best friends to your sleepovers. So that's why this week I'm joined by my best friend, John Cho. Hey, guys. John, have you ever been to a sleepover before? Sleepovers weren't a thing for me growing up, because I had a lack of guests to invite. OK, I see the coded language there. Today is your first big sleepover. Thank you, thank you. So we're just going to kick this off with a very classic sleepover game called Would You Rather? OK.
Would you rather be an Olympic gold medalist or a Nobel Prize winner? Big questions here tonight. I want to say a Nobel Prize winner, but Olympic gold medalist. The physical thrills are better. Do you have a sport in mind when you imagine yourself winning that gold medal?
Yeah, downhill skiing. Downhill skiing? Yeah, I don't ski.
Then this is great. This is a full dream. This is all about it.
Sorry, sorry, scratch that. Yeah. Archery. Great. I'm sorry. Sorry, scratch that.
Would you rather be a whale on land or be a lion at sea? You know, I'm going to say I would rather be a lion in the water. I just feel like the water is better than land.
Land isn't all it's cracked up to be. Humans chose wrong. We chose wrong. We should have been water beings.
Yes. It changed my mind. Greco-Roman wrestling. OK, sorry. OK, about like 5.30. So rude. I think we're rolling, so I got to go. Oh, for sure, text me. OK. Ah, get out of here. OK, all right, now I got to go. All right, bye.
Wow, who was that? Who was that?
Just your other best friend? Now we're moving on to our next game.
Fuck Mary Kill. All right, fuck Mary Kill.
St. Patrick's Day, Halloween, or the winter solstice. This is such a weird. What's weird about it? F Halloween.
That's the sexiest. For sure. It's a hornball. Right, a hornball, yeah. It used to be Lent that was the real hornball. Totally.
Kill St. Patrick's Day. It's douche day. It's too much. So what is that?
Marying the winter solstice. Marying winter solstice.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Fuck Mary Kill. Cake, ice cream, and cookies. So this might get emotional. I'm out on cake. Kill cake. Kill cake? I would also kill cake.
Cake is light. It's nothing. It's like insubstantial. You can't have a life with cake. It'll leave you with warts. Cake is not telling you ahead of time what's going on with it. No. Cake calls you two weeks after. Ice cream is who you marry. It's creamy. It's dependable. You fuck the shit out of cookies.
Yeah, you must. CD player, VCR, or cassette player? Oh, geez. Kill VCRs.
They're just too big. They're as big as books. Yeah. Books are big. I've always said this about books.
Too big.
The promise of the durability of CDs was really overblown. They get scratched really easily. They're delicate. That's a one-nighter.
So you fuck CDs. You're marrying cassettes. They're durable, so satisfying when you click them into the Walkman. Walkman?
Walk women. Our next game is charades. You've heard of it. You love it. It's charades. I am actually going to act out movies and TV shows you have been in. And you have to guess, we have my brilliant acting. What work of yours I'm trying to act out. Seven words. Funny cigarette movie.
I don't think Kumar got a white cap on. Yeah! OK. One word. OK. Trying to find something. What's going on? Searching! Yay! You getting it? Two words. Star Trek. I ate through the hole. Star Trek. Oh, say, can you see American soup pie? Yeah! Oh, OK. Yeah. Perfect.
John, thank you so much for joining me at the sleepover. Thank you for having me. It was great having you. Great playing games with you.
Guys, it's getting late. It's time to go to bed. All right. Good night, John. Good night.
What's up? Yeah. This thing for college humor. No, it was lame. |
dropout | When_Dumb_People_Agree_With_You | That's good exercise for me, thank you. My point is, we have to have universal background checks because the loopholes in the system are crazy. Totally agree. I agree in theory, but I just can't imagine what that infrastructure would look like.
Sorry to interrupt, Grant, what is on your burger? I'm telling you, grilled pineapple is the best burger topping. Ew. You're insane. No, he's right. Pineapple on burgers are the best.
See? This is my guy right here. Steve gets me. Grant's right about everything. We should be tracking firearms so we can make sure minorities aren't getting them. That... Hang on. Whoa. Wait, Grant, that's what you're saying? Of course it is. We're on the same page. I'm his guy. Please, just let's... In fact, Grant and I would take it one step further.
Don't just track guns, track all purchases. That's a ridiculous invasion of privacy. Okay, well privacy is obviously just a made up thing that helps immigrants hide in this country, right Grant?
No, Steve, please don't agree with me. What? Why? Because you're using insane logic to come to my conclusion that it's making me look terrible. Let's just drop it. You mean drop out? You're on thin ice, my man.
Grant, where are these burgers from, that new place down the street? I had a weird conversation with the guy who owns that place, he's kind of anti-gay.
Whoa. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm totally with Grant on this one.
People should be having gay sex in the kitchen. Now, why would you think that's my point? Well, it's like you were saying, all the best chefs are gay dudes. Nope. So gay boning is just going to make all the cooking better. That's so wildly not...
Also, women are gross. So I'm super down with gay dudes.
Grant! Steve, I don't want to spend money at a business that doesn't accept gay people. He's right. We should rob them. Whoa, Grant, you can't just rob people you don't agree with. Wow, Grant. I don't think that. Okay, well he's clearly picking up on something.
Yeah, great minds. Think sometimes. Think alike. Yeah, we sure do, buddy.
No, we're not going to rob small businesses or track minorities. We're going to rob big businesses and track everybody. You know, we're going to sit quietly and not talk to each other.
I agree. You guys are talking too much. No, everybody finish their lunch. I agree. Eat faster for Grant. No, everyone just do whatever. I agree.
Nothing matters. Anarchy forever. Total freedom in a consequence-free universe. Yeah, let's just...
Grant, wait. I forgot to ask you to join my 8chan forum. Wow, they really dropped out of that conversation. I'm going to have you fired. Hey, it's Grant.
If you like CollegeHumor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
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dropout | meeting_hitler_in_hell | See, this is fun and all, but it's nice to get away from it every once in a while. Hi! Welcome to TSI Mondays. We're every days a Monday.
Do you have a table for two? Ooh, we do actually, but it's made of snakes. Is that okay? If it's inside, I'm fine with snakes. I could do table snakes. Yeah.
Sorry. Hail Satan. I'm sorry.
Can you guys just hold on for one year?
Okay.
It's really hard to get good service around here, you know?
What? Is that? Is that Hitler? I think that's Hitler. What? What would Hitler be doing here?
He's like the most evil person in hell. I think it's him. He definitely lives in hell. I'll be damned!
You should go talk to him. No, are you kidding me? He's history's greatest monster. He's way too famous to want to talk to us. No, you just go up to him. You tell him how much you hate his work. He'd be cool about it. He's probably way too busy.
What? It's hell, man. We're all here for eternity. You know what?
I'm going to go talk to him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hi! Hitler, right? This may help you. Yeah, so my friend over there is a huge World War II buff, and I'm sure he would love to talk to you. Hi. Hello. How's it going?
I just want to say, I hate literally everything you've done. Thank you. That's very nice of you to say. So, would you like an autograph or...? Oh, no, no. I mean, I loathe everything you stand for.
Plus, it's probably pretty annoying, right? Yes, actually, it is. But maybe a selfie? Hi. Are these people bothering you?
Thank you. You know what they are? Good. It's hell. All right, let's get this autograph off. All right! Thank you so much. Just raise it up. Cheese! Yeah. I have a quick question.
Do you, like, know Saddam Hussein? What's that like? No, I don't know Saddam Hussein.
We don't all know each other. That's not how it works. We're different people.
Okay, well, I just... I think you two would really get along. I see a lot of similarities in your work. Totally, totally.
Is it cool if I grab a chair? No! Sorry, that is fun Bill Cosby.
I don't know where he is. He should be here any minute. Okay, I see what's happening here.
You're a very evil person. I'm sure you have a lot of vultures that need to eat out your liver for eternity.
Totally. So... We'll get that out of your hair. Thank you. Before we go, I just want to say, you know, I was truly repulsed by the long-lasting political chaos of the Berlin Wall. That wasn't me. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I wasn't even alive anymore. Okay.
You don't have to be rude about it. You're the ones being rude. You're rude. You do not know my work. You do not appreciate any of my atrocities.
Why did you come over here in the first place? It's because you recognized me.
Is that fair? Let me tell you something.
I have been here for 70 years. It's a long time.
And you guys are by far the worst things I've ever come across. Goodbye! That was kind of awkward. I'm so embarrassed. No, no, no. He was the one who voiced me.
Hey, Hitler!
How's it going? So look, we're sorry that there was confusion before. Please get a photo.
If you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_97_Of_Tasmania_Now_In_Line_To_The_Danish_Throne_After_Princess_Mary_Becomes_Que_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin. We've since stopped doing the dailies because we just thought that we'd go bigger on the weekly and give you the best of.
You might hear a child hiccuping here. Errol's brought his grandson in here, young Leroy. You've been looking after Leroy for a little while Errol. Where did Leroy's father get to? Oh look, let's not talk about that but yeah no, look he's a good boy. He sleeps a lot, this young Leroy.
But I've just got him in the Papoose, which I guess your father's been chastising me about all morning. Sir Clyde Overrell. I'm looking after him too. He's very traditional, isn't he? He laughs at the Papoose and I laugh at his nappy. Look it is daddy daycare in here today. It is, I think it's good to have him in the podcast with us, give him a break from the wiggles.
He must be up to two or three hours of that on the iPhone already. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, he's under two years old so that means no screens. Well, if that's what you're saying on the record, sure. Look, people managed when there were no iPhones and iPads, okay. What about the rum on the teeth? You still do that one? People who just zonk out their kids with iPads and iPhones, you should see the stuff that they watch on that YouTube, it's dreadful. Just sometimes you just want a bit of peace, you know, kids, they can just be so... No, see, you don't use the screens.
So Errol, given you now have a son who some would describe as a flaky father and you now obviously got more gentler parenting tactics with the grandson that's obviously in your duty of care, do you regret putting Leroy's father? Do you regret putting him on Ritalin and dex amphetamines at five, six years of age? We warned you against it. Yes, no, look, fucking Ritalin was the gateway cleanse.
Oh, there we go. I thought he just lost his attention span, he forgets he's a father, that's, you know, I saw him last night going fishing, it's not like he's playing up. Yeah, no, you'd think he'd be your son if he was going for a fish at night, wouldn't you? Well, you know, he's a good kid, but I hope you can come around here and pick up your grandson at some point. I think you might be safe with Errol, really. Yeah, yeah, looks alright.
He didn't really like that Pepsi you gave him earlier. No, he likes his diet cake, this one, I think. Sun kissed, you know, a bit of vitamin C. Anyway, what have we got in the news this week?
Well, we'll kick off with a really classic story to open the year and the headline reads like this, 97% of Tasmania now in line to the Danish throne after Princess Mary becomes Queen Mary. Yes, this one really, it's a hard-hitting piece, a bit of clever journalism, this one, about all the Tasmanians being inbreds. Great to start the year off with such a cracking story. Yes, top-shelf content this was, which revealed that some 524,777 Tasmanians now have a direct claim to the Danish crown after Princess Mary became Queen Mary earlier this week. The 3% who are unable to claim are those who have fled from the mainland capital cities to ruin Tasmania with their money and their elitist attitude in recent years. It's caused that housing crisis down there and the Danes have yet to comment on whether they'll be giving any royal positions to Tasmanians, but I have heard that there might be an Archduke of Davenport in line, which is something quite exciting. There was a comment on there by a man whose name was David, he kept the highbrow content coming, he said, rumors have it that in Tasmania they have two heads of state. Yeah, well there's not a lot of huger in places like Launceston is there?
No, but maybe Princess Mary can bring him some. We'll move on to a more national issue, it's about a local man here in town who's suffering from a range of cruel socioeconomic issues that are simply unacceptable in developed country being told by his only possible political alternative to boycott a grocery store due to the supermarket chain's decision to not take part in a deeply inauthentic display of Americanised patriotism. That's right, returned serviceman Dale Templeton has finally got some hope again, after suffering, you know, for a long time from a long list of chronically painful workplace injuries sustained in both the Defence Force and the physically taxing labouring jobs he bounced between in the years after his Honorable Discharge, this public housing resident hasn't really had hot water for three weeks and you know things aren't going well, it's like a Jimmy Barnes song, but Dale says he's actually glad that some of his politicians are now doing something to improve his life, they're moving him up to the top of the pile. Yes, this comes after opposition leader Peter Dutton, the man who the newspapers say should be our next Prime Minister, gave Dale a ray of hope when he said that all Australians should boycott Woolies because they are no longer selling plastic Chinese made Australia Day merchandise as part of an Americanised facade of deeply inauthentic patriotism that celebrates the least exciting public holiday in the nation's calendar. And Albanese has come out today hasn't he, saying you should just steal from Woolworths? Yes, he said that stealing meat from Woolworths is a victimless crime.
Taehoo is one of the real victims in this, Peter Dutton's au pair who's now been forced to walk an extra two kilometres to her coals every single day. That au pair would be going to bloody Harris Farms.
Yeah, so sometimes used to, sometimes Woolies, but I think he's made a point. He's not short of a quid that bastard is he? Apparently he likes them.
Neither's Albo, they're all fucking rich in that place aren't they? Very, very rich.
Drain the swamp, poison the trough I say. Sorry for swearing, Woolworths. Now we'll move on to a very sad story.
Culinary icon, Hogster, has been confirmed dead at 38 this week after a suspected heart attack. Yes, colourful culinary identity and steakhouse entrepreneur Ian Hogster-Breath has passed away after a suspected heart attack on the Queensland Sunshine Coast earlier this week. The 38 year old was rushed to a private veterinarian clinic in Mooloolaba shortly after 1pm local time but was turned away after staff discovered it was just an incredibly sick man wearing a hot pink hog costume. The resto bar icon died a short time later at Sunshine Coast University Hospital at Sippy Downs there.
Television chef and face of many cheap supermarket barbecue tools, Curtis Stone, said via X, formerly known as Twitter, that Hogster's famous 18 hour slow cook steaks inspired not just him but many other cooks and chefs of his era. Valet, Ian, I hope they're ready for your famous hogs fatality up there in hog heaven, said Mr Stone. You got any favourite memories of Hoggie? You want to share, Earl? Hoggie?
You met him once, didn't you? I was on a box with him in Port Stephens a few years ago. You couldn't bring him down with a meat ax, old Hogster. He went a bit hard on the K and we had to fucking, yeah we had to help him out of a cubicle. He was in all sorts. He went arse overhead over a fucking line bike. He just rode it into a gutter and went over the handlebars and you know all these people just rushed over and they were like Ian, Ian, Ian, are you okay? And he wasn't, eh? Health issues have followed that. Yeah, not surprising to those that knew him that he's gone but still very sad anyway.
Now we'll finish up with a sports story and in some exciting news the male Matildas have beaten Syria this week. In some exciting news for sports fans around the country the soccer kangaroos have progressed to the next round of the Asian Cup. The male Matildas as they're known or also colloquially referred to as the male Tildas managed to clench a spot in round of 16 of the tournament after a gritty 1-0 win over Syria. Yes it's a result that's being hailed as a massive win for equality in sport with hopes one day that the male Matildas will be able to match the popularity and success of the actual Matildas. Those male Matildas, they did get equal pay with the ladies last year even though they actually don't generate anywhere near as much revenue which was a big step and it's good to see Clancy that it's starting to pay off for those results. Hopefully they can go all the way in the Asian Cup.
No, support male soccer is all I want to say to everyone listening out there. Support men's soccer you know show up report on it and buy tickets and take your young little boys they need to see you know positive sporting heroes. You can't be what you can't see I think that's the thing and it's fine to comment on this sort of stuff but as you said to get out there to those games start showing up start putting your money where your mouth is and you know maybe there's some young boys will get inspired out there. Yeah well you know the numbers have just boomed in young boys' grassroots soccer after last night's win over Syria so you know all power to the male tildas male till it's done.
Yep let's keep being better. Anyway that's the end of it for this week we'll talk to you soon. |
cracked | why_supervillains_always_keep_the_good_guy_alive | William Blond, world's greatest detective.
I told you, I told you you'd pay for foiling Dr. Malice's plan. Unfortunately at the moment I'm a bit strapped for cash. That's all you want Blond, you're the one lying down on his back. Really, this is the exact position I had your pretty little assistant in not hours ago. I'll kill you for that. You insolent. Now Cody, you wouldn't want to spoil the fun for the rest of us, would you? In a second, let me, are you just here, hold on.
Dr. Malice, the machine is ready. Good, good. What do you expect from me Dr. Malice?
To join your ranks? To abandon my country to give you nuclear launch codes? No, Mr. Blond, I expect you to die. Did you push the plane? Yeah. What, oh, come on, I had a whole thing planned. He said, I expect you to die. That's like the cue, you can only go downhill from there.
This little, there's a process, there's all this. Aaaah! Whoa!
Just. Oh dear, dear, dear, no, no, no. William, you're, you're fine, right? You're okay? Yes, yes, this is fine, this is okay. Yes, everything is fine.
See, it's a trick. Yes, yes, we'll just stay here and keep cool and end the real William Blond. Yes, we'll show up soon enough and then everything will go back to normal. No, I don't think that will happen. So, we really killed William Blond. Yes. Forever, do you think? Yes. Oh, it's coming back.
Was that not, that's why we bought the laser, man. But I never thought it would work. I mean, I thought he'd press a hidden, well, you saw him fiddling with that cuff link. Thought he had a thing up there. I don't know, flip a coin, deflect the beam.
I mean, that laser just destroyed him. Look at that thing now. All covered in... Yeah, I guess it's like one use. Yeah, it's broken forever. Damn it! I spent half a million dollars on a laser and you get to use it once.
Yeah, I guess like a self-cleaning thing would be nice. I swear, if I thought this was going to work for a second, would have put a tarp down something. Yeah, there was definitely a better way to do this.
All right, what's next? Awake, I suppose. He didn't have children, did he?
Your plan, man. The rest of your plan. Right, right, right, the plan. What was the, uh, plan again?
Take a big laser and shoot it at the Earth. And we have a second laser for that. A giant laser.
Yeah, built it myself. It's dope. But that would kill everyone on Earth, right? Without question. Yes, plans of plans. Yes, I know.
With doing the plan, I'm not... I just, I can't stress enough that when I agreed to that plan, I really thought he was going to stop us. Well, he didn't. And now nothing will.
So, button for the laser. Push, push this. Yep. Gonna push this, wipe everybody out. Including us, though. That's the thing. Just want to be, you know, very clear about the details of the plan we're all embarking upon. No objections, henchmen? I know I'm a rough customer sometimes, but now's the time to speak up. We're all 100% behind you, buddy.
Dumb. Stupid.
But... All right! Here... Nothing. All right. We... Oh, yes!
Wait, no, shit. What does that mean? It's bad. It's bad? No!
Clear! Well done, men. Took out the evil Dr. Malice. You should be very proud. I'm so easy.
We should've just sent a bunch of guys, not just one. Should've done that first. We have an army.
This is dumb. Dumb, dumb.
Every muscle, every blood vessel, has desire and pressure built up in his... You know what? I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe. It's a romance novel. There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package. That's euphemism for a dick. |
dropout | why_engagement_rings_are_a_scam_adam_ruins_everything | You've made me the happiest man in the world. Emily, will you marry me? How sweet.
You like it, so you're putting a ring on it. But have you ever wondered why we put diamond rings on things we like at all? Oh God, you're going to tell us the awful truth about engagement rings, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. Hi, I'm Adam Conover. Hey, Adam.
And you may think of the diamond engagement ring as a timeless symbol of love, but it turns out this ancient tradition was invented less than a century ago by the De Beers Diamond Corporation. Before the 1930s, nobody exchanged diamond rings when they got engaged. It wasn't a thing.
Apple, what do you say we get married? Oh, that's a swell idea, Frank. What do you give me? I got the shiny red apple. Sold. Oh, I love you, Frank.
But in 1938, the De Beers Diamond Cartel launched a massive ad campaign claiming that the only way for a real man to show his love is with an expensive hunk of crystallized carbon. And we bought that shit. Now, hold on. Looks like if I don't buy you one of these ring dealies, then I'm a tiny, peck of pencil neck. Well, it's on the side of a building, so it's got to be true. Well, carumps. In fact, every element of the traditional American engagement was designed to make more money for De Beers.
How much did you drop on that rock? I don't know, like, four grand. Jesus, Louisus, that's more than your car. My dad said the rule was two months' salary. Yeah, sorry, dude. That's not a rule. That's just an arbitrary number from an old De Beers ad campaign.
Buy her a diamond worth one month's salary. She'll be sure to love you eternally.
Ah, profits are down. Better make it two months. This has got to be the most successful ad campaign of all time. This is like if in 50 years, people were going, oh, honey, the same thing again.
Yeah, you know that old rule, pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time. When pizza's on a bagel, you must eat pizza all the time.
Well, it's not like I'm throwing my money away. I mean, at least the ring is worth something. Actually, diamonds are intrinsically worthless. I refuse to believe that. Well, maybe you believe De Beers chairman, Nikki Oppenheimer, who once said, quote, diamonds are intrinsically worthless. Shut up, shut up, shut up. In fact, they're quite common. The only reason diamonds are even expensive is that De Beers has a global monopoly on diamond mining, and they artificially restrict the supply to jack the prices up. But in reality, those assholes have a fuck ton of them. These are extremely rare. Pay no attention to that. Which means that diamond you just blew your savings on has virtually no resale value. That's why De Beers wants you to think a diamond is forever. If you never try to sell it, you'll never figure out how badly you got fucked.
Fine, so what do we do about it? Nothing. They've got us by the balls.
A century of advertising has embedded the idea of a diamond engagement ring so deeply in our culture that even knowing all that doesn't get you out of buying an engagement ring. Seriously, give it a shot. Okay. Emily, will you marry me? I'm not giving you a ring because the concept of engagement ring is a scam on the part of the De Beers Corporation. But we could open a joint checking account?
Sorry, dude. I want that rock. Fuck! Well, thanks, man. No problem.
Join me next time on Adam Ruins Life's Greatest Pleasures when I'll be talking about how puppies only pretend to love you in order to mooch off your food supply. Who hurt you? Hey there. If you like that video, click to subscribe. What are you doing?
These are... It's a scam, man. I know. They're fake. Why are you taking them? I thought we were still in the video.
No, it's done. It's over.
Just please click. Hope you liked it. Where are you going? Don't... Please. |
SaturdayNightLive | eastern_district_student_saturday_night_live | Well, alarming as it may sound, thousands of American youngsters go to school each day carrying firearms. We spoke to one such student from Eastern District High School in Brooklyn. yeah, well, the first time I brought a gun to school was in seventh grade, you know? I was playing with it during class, right? and the teacher came up to me and said, excuse me, is that a gun in your lunchbox? and I said, yeah, it's a gun. what it look like? it damn sure ain't no baby roof, you know? she said, well, did you bring enough guns for everybody? I said, hey, I ain't got to bring no guns for them. they already got guns, you know, right?
Then during recess, we was out back having some fun, right? and I grabbed this little kid, right, and put him up against the wall, started playing William Tell with him, right? and she got upset just cause I missed the apple ones, right? he get all upset and the kid fell down. she took me downstairs and put me in the basement, right? and made me start writing on the chalkboard. 500 times, I will not bring my 357 magnum to class, right? So I got upset cause I got right at cramping my finger and basically I shot the bitch. I troubled you some trouble times. |
SaturdayNightLive | try_guys_snl | Welcome to Cnn today. I'm Laura Fields. let's go right to the White House with our very own Colin O'dearty. Colin? Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I'm sorry, I'm just hearing. Colin? Colin, is everything okay?
And that's confirmed. Okay, yes.
Sorry, Laura. I'm getting breaking news that the Try Guys have now, in fact, responded to the whole Ned Fulmer situation. Wow. I'm sorry, What? Well, it's obviously an evolving story, but Cnn can confirm that the Try Guys have released an official Youtube video clapping back at ex-try guy Ned Fulmer, the Wife guy Try Guy. he disrespected the brand by making out with one of the Food babies at the Harry Styles concert. it's a sad day in D, Colin O'dearty, the White House. I'm gonna be honest, Colin, I don't know what any of that is. What in the world is a Try Guy? Laura, how do you not know the Try Guys?
Oh, they're buzzfeed pranksters who try stuff, like trying fingernail polish or weird haircuts. Hell, they're even tried eating bugs.
I'm told we actually have the three remaining Try Guys on the line ready to talk. Are you there? Try Guys? Hello. Hi.
Wow. First off, Eugene, Zach, Keith, it's an honor. thank you. This is, yeah, it's just surreal. there's a lot of anger on this couch. Um, okay. welcome, try Guys.
I'm trying to understand why this story is such a scandal. was this a fair nonconsensual? No, worse. he committed the heinous act of having a consensual kiss and not telling us his friends. I'm sorry. Why is that heinous? Well, you have to remember the power dynamics, Laura. he's a Try Guy and she's a food baby.
Right, right, right. Yeah, you've said that.
So what now? Well, we've conducted an internal review with a team of Hr professionals and are no longer working with White Guy, Wife Guy, try Guy Ned. I don't know what else to say. he has to pay. Okay, wow. so the full story is that your friend had a side chick and you fired him? Yes, we had no choice and we hope he is somewhere on his back with a bullet in his brain and belly. Whoa, okay. isn't that a bit extreme? No.
Well, you have to remember, Laura. you have to remember, Laura, the side chick was a food baby. yeah, you keep saying that. What is a food baby? Food Babies is a spin-off food show on the Try Guys Channel, you idiot.
No. due to the trauma we are facing, our editors are working around the clock to remove any trace of Ned from past Try Guys content. This is the battle of our lives. Bro, Jay-z cheated on Beyonce. it's gonna be okay. cut back to us. look at me. this is the face of grief. No, it's not. it is though. And just Fyi, we are still going to be releasing some previously filmed branded videos. So yeah, you might see Ned in Sweet Green Presents, the Try guys try salad with bugs on top. and it will still be amaze balls, but it will also be sad balls. we're all processing this horrific, violent, and probably racist tragedy.
Can you come back to me? Please?
No, stay with us. Hear this America. we will never stop bringing you the same Try Guys Adventures. I will still be trying super weird Cambodian food. Zach will still be trying super weird Malaysian food. And Keith is still going to try wearing a thong for a week because it's our duty. this is too traumatic. this interview is over, please. Thank you for your bravery, try guys. know that the country is with you.
What's today's date? Whatever it is, never forget. for Cnn, I'm Cara Nodardi. and they're millionaires. Okay, I'm gonna go see what ketamine is all about. this has been Cnn today. good night. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Independence_Day_Resurgence | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Independence Day Resurgence, a follow-up to the 1996 blockbuster about humanity's attempt to fend off an alien invasion, and a film that serves as a triumphant testament to the progress our country has made in recognizing service members' right to choose whomever they want to marry, even if the person they want to marry is a stripper. Let's take a look at a remarkable scene from the first film illustrating how different things used to be.
Man, you know I really like Jasmine. You know that, right? Man, you're never gonna get to fly to space shuttle if you marry a stripper. Incredible, isn't it?
A mere 20 years ago, even considering marrying an exotic dancer, as Will Smith's Captain Steve Hiller does with Vivica A. Fox's Jasmine Dubrow was considered a legitimate reason for organizations from the U.S. Air Force to NASA to discriminate against dedicated, patriotic servicemen and women. Thousands of pilots, whose only fault was following their heart and engaging in loving, committed relationships with strippers, suddenly found their careers at a dead end. The victims of a narrow-minded policy that told them they weren't good enough to serve their country. Look again at the emotion on Captain Hiller's face when his squadmate tells him he'll never get to fly the space shuttle if he marries a stripper. He's talking about the person Hiller loves. You can see in his eyes that he's confronted with the same impossible choice that countless U.S. service members have faced over the years, choosing between their careers and the person they cherished most in the world. Sadly, this was a time when untold numbers of pilots felt overwhelming pressure to deny who they truly were, with many entering loveless show marriages with non-strippers, rather than risk their careers. But thanks to social rights victories in recent years, it's heartening to watch scenes like this in resurgence and think that any of the men and women flying these space fighters could be married to strippers, or indeed be strippers themselves and their military superiors would have nothing to judge them by but the valor they display in combat. Watching this film, I couldn't help but think of the tens of thousands of servicemen and women who were never able to realize their dream of marrying erotic dancers, who were instead forced to keep their own personal jasmines hidden as a shameful secret from their squadmates. Indeed, many of these pilots, just like Captain Hiller, made the ultimate sacrifice for the country they loved and respected, yet never received the respect they were due from their country, a country that treated them as second-class citizens simply because they loved strippers. I salute these brave men and women and their stripper lovers, and hope that their lives and the freedoms we enjoy because of them are never forgotten.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | bob_saget_with_the_importance_of_fast_saturday_night_live | All right, settle down, settle down, okay? we're behind, all right? But this meet is not over. Now I've been coaching track a long time, All right? and I know we can win if we stick to our original game plan, All right? Now, Luke, you got the 1,500 meters coming up. Yeah, Coach. Okay, now the Trinity team's got some really good runners, right? So what I want you to do is, when you hear the starting gun, run fast, Okay? then keep going really fast, All right? And then at the end, when you get near the finish line, go really, really fast.
Okay, all right, got it. Okay, good. Now, Steve, you got the 100 meters. Now, 100's a tough one. you know my philosophy on that. you run really fast. right, really fast, got it. Okay, good.
Now, Warren, what happened to you in the 440? I told you to go fast, but you went slow. I forgot, I'm sorry. it's okay, that happens. here's a little tip to remember, okay?
The key word here is fast, All right? F-a-s-t, all right? F is for fast, All right? Okay, A is your attitude. your attitude is run fast. S for speed, okay? A, fast, speed. and T for team. we should be a fast team.
Any questions?
Yes, Coach. didn't you say at the beginning of the season that we should be really fat? er, er. no, no, I said fast. Oh, damn! All right, now, now, Brian, I noticed that instead of just running fast, you kept hopping up in the air. what was that about? that was the hurdles, Coach. whatever, you just, you do it fast. Now, in track, running fast is vital. it's like I tell the basketball team, you got to throw the ball through the thing. Okay, now Fred. yeah, Coach, slow me. Yeah, I noticed that you started your race going really fast, That was good. And then suddenly, you went really slow and then you just lay down. What were you thinking? I broke my ankle. Okay, okay, now see, I'm glad you brought that up. everybody, don't break your ankle, Okay? it won't help you go faster. Coach, yes, what if I go slow for a while and then go really fast?
How old are you? I'm 47. this is a high school track team. get outta here, all right. I'm 43. Get out! How old are the rest of you? 29. 28. early 30s. 28. What about you? Oh, 27, 37, 42. girls don't mind.
Go, the lead, everybody. Get out, get out! come on, you guys, come on, get out fast! let's go to a commercial Fast, Okay? Fast! Okay. |
cracked | alexfromtarget_vs_alexfromcracked_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, it's Alex with another So that's it, huh? It's really what you sons of bitches want I refuse to let crack be less famous than a kid blowing his minimum wage on hair products So while it's nice Alan talked to Alex from Target, I think it's time she talked to Alex from Cracked Okay, Alex, how old are you? I'm 20. How long have you worked at that target?
Actually, I'm a full-time dreamboat That target, it's right outside Dallas, right? Yeah, it's outside of Dallas. It's in California You know what else is outside of Dallas? China.
Well, you're a very good-looking guy Good or like sore and good. Did people take pictures of you on a normal like on a regular basis? Oh my god, do they? How many Twitter followers did you originally have? Before I made these shows, 12 hundred and ten. Now you have 500,000? 12 hundred and seven. I imagine by the time we finish talking there's gonna be a million or so followers Kind of a brag on your part, but okay. Do you feel now obligated that you have to tweet things out like you're a big celebrity? Celebrity or like sore and celebrity? I mean, are you overwhelmed by this? I've just never seen yams at this price point Have you had wedding like like marriage proposals?
Ellen, for the last time, I'm not seeing anyone else Do you sing? Do you have any other talent? We should take advantage. Don't put me on the spot Come on. Really, do you dance or sing or play an instrument? Yesterday, I watched a zombie movie instead of showering You should pick up something quickly because you should take advantage of this.
This is a big deal Well, we're already a comedy website that has new content 365 days a year But maybe we should try being a jpeg of One Direction in hats Thanks for watching and be sure to post about this with hashtag Alex from Cracked or jpeg of One Direction in hats on that fan Site dedicated entirely to cute boys Twitter Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel, you'll get all our videos more conveniently for free Sounds great other tip Culver City, California. There is a store that sells nothing but model trains You're welcome |
TheOnion | America_s_Best_Kisser_America_s_Best_Ep_6 | Pucker up the judges are looking for America's best kisser. Will one of these toads kiss like a prince? Hi there. What's your name? My name is James, and I am going to be America's best kisser Hey There's a lot of cash in here. I Like this guy already.
Let's see what you got Well, I don't think so. Oh no You can't open your eyes when you're kissing my tasty treat. That is very unsettling my sweet pair. I'm sorry I'd like to hear from one of the judges I have respect for any time I look at someone I kissing and I see they're already looking at me I immediately stop and leave Even if it's in a bad neighborhood come here Why I just want to shake your hand Were you going to kill him yes Here we go all right. Why don't you begin kissing? All right, that's enough How'd you stop her that was amazing too much tongue? I don't like a lot of tongue when I'm kissing well disgusting I like the tongue. I mean her head looked a little weird That's just cuz there wasn't another face up against sweetie. Which one of us were you even kissing later? It's obvious He was kissing me. Oh I Thought she was kissing me Never mind babe check the shirt Concrete singing that song Stop singing or pay me.
I own it. It's Ricky Norman's song. It's on his album I bought the rights to all his songs in auction last year. I wish my label would have told me they were selling I really liked seeing their songs your songs can rot for all I care I'm gonna pay weird Al to do song parodies of all of them. He already butchered love that baby I no longer trust him to do what's in the best interest of my songs After a long day of kissing the judges are still no closer to finding America's best But would the last contestant of the day make it through?
Okay, tell me let's see you kiss What the hell are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm kissing her back I Scared you think you are you're no kisser. You're a disgrace. You're terrible I've never been so confused watching someone kiss before well, I'm a yes.
No, absolutely not get her out of here right now I'll wake away. I I don't even like kissing.
I mean, it's completely useless from a evolutionary perspective Coming up on America's Best a billiard trick shot artist. Oh Honey You need a billiards table. You have to bring it yourself. Don't just assume there's going to be a table Just act it out. It'll be fine Your balls don't make a noise when you hit them It's America's Best Hey You need a billiards table. You have to bring it yourself. Don't just assume there's going to be a table Just act it out. It'll be fine Your balls don't make a noise when you hit them It's America's Best |
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