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SaturdayNightLive | stuck_in_the_elevator_snl | Thanks. Sorry. All right, move forward.
I'm six, please. God, can you press the emergency button? Hello? this is the elevator technician. can you hear me? Uh, yeah, we're stuck in the South Bank elevators. can you please send help? don't worry. the fire department should be there in 20 to 25 minutes. just try to stay calm. 25 minutes? I'm gonna be late picking my kid up from school.
Oh, I already have to pee. and if we don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna wanna hook up. Yeah, I can't be stuck in here or else I'm gonna wanna hook up, too. wait, what was that? I just get really claustrophobic when I don't hook up. Yeah, and I read this article that when you're in a falling elevator, you have to hook up in order to survive the impact. survive?
Okay, they said it would just be, like, 25 minutes. Oh, so you believe the cops? it's the fire department. whatever, they all went to the same school.
Do you two just wanna hook up with each other? Why? so you can watch pervert? Stop. I just realized. there's two women and three guys. the numbers are perfect, you have to admit. Mm, that is true. there's enough food for the mouths. Understand? Ew! Why are you guys so obsessed with hooking up? don't you understand? we have an opportunity here to remake society. Let's be real. whatever's out there, it's not working.
But in the elevator, we get to build something new. me too? No one's coming to help us. we're here to help you. we can start our own society from scratch. And we're gonna need a doctor, a Mayor. Because an elevator town? you can be whoever you want to be. elevator Town.
No, we cannot have three mailmen. Fine. then I won't engage in the town's profits and I'll just be an artist instead. Okay, never mind. just be a mailman. but you need to pick something else.
Okay. I wanna be Marilyn Monroe. whatever.
I'm sorry to interrupt, folks, but does anyone wanna actually leave the elevator? Or do you wanna come with us? it's elevator Town. Ugh. this is elevator Town. population lost. it's only just one law. you gotta love hooking up. |
cracked | the_game_of_thrones_finale_left_a_lot_of_unanswered_questions_ep_7_the_dragon_and_the_wolf_review | Yeah, guys, it's my it's winner is taking forever. It's my first Game of Thrones recap show of this season. Nice Yeah, it's also the finale the big one. It's that's bigger news. Yeah So everyone meets in King's Landing all the major players Meet and form a tenuous alliance now that we know that monsters are real. I had a bunch of questions for this Episode it was my favorite episode of the season so me too. Yeah Featured my favorite thing about the show, which is people in rooms talking to each other my first question Was Euron Greyjoy going to leave no matter what Euron says, this is the only thing I've ever seen that terrifies me You know part of you wants Varys to whisper like there's a dragon Ward some fear and he leaves and he does so for what seems like a very sensible reason.
He is right. That's terrifying He's not shown to be a particularly loyal person to anyone So you buy that he would abandon Cersei at this at this time and those things are scary And then we find out later that This was a plan that he and Cersei had made where he's gonna take his fleet to get This larger army so they could double-cross. What was he going to do if they didn't have a scary white How was he going to leave in the middle of that meeting and convincingly sell to people that he was going to go home Right. It's a weird pre-plan. Yeah that requires They both know all of the information that they will have gotten. Yes. Yeah from the meeting.
It's a problem He could have used the dragons. Also, he could have just relied on the fact that nobody's pumped on the Greyjoys Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna go and everyone's like fine Right out the gate Tyrion starts talking he stands up and starts like heckling him There's like a bunch of short jokes. You could just been like no, this is playing room doesn't like it. I'm really It plays in the island. I Slay and pike. I'm gonna go back.
Yeah, I actually like that moment until Recontextualizing with everything we know we're like Jamie's like shut the fuck up man. Leave my brother alone, right? And even seriously, he's like shut up leave our brother alone, but that's not really what she was doing No, it was a good plan Like yeah, we're gonna get this guy in a chain And it's gonna be just close enough to get her and then we're gonna watch him pack that dude up Yeah, and then the parts are gonna crawl around is very effective presentation.
That was another good scene Powerpoint gonna done that because we know that the hound can wrap once on the box and the monster inside flips out But then meanwhile he unscrews the whole thing and shove the box and the monsters like Another question I had on the subject of pretending were Aria and Sansa pretending when they were fighting which wasn't it wasn't super clear to me because Aria was Either playing a game of questions where everything you say is a lie or she was threatening Sansa and that's crazy. And then eventually they hatched their little plan. Yeah after being unbelievably antagonistic towards each other, right I think this is another symptom of Something that the show has been doing a lot ever since the books stopped lining up with them Where the creators want to surprise the audience still and because the plot is being less surprising despite the nature of what it is They want to surprise you and have like oh my god. It's really the trial of Littlefinger So in order to do that you need to trick the audience for a few episodes by making characters do things that are unbelievable Yeah So you force these characters to do things that they wouldn't do in order to get that moment of surprise which is satisfying But it ruins the other parts. Yeah, the spirit of that storyline could have been completely played out with Bailish as your identity character the whole time if we were following Peter and we're watching him work behind the scenes to try to sew Discontent between these two and we don't get the full picture of what they're actually doing then we can assume it's much Better than the writing in the show that we got right and then that makes it more Surprising when Peter dies. He still Needs to die and it will always be and you'll be glad that he's dead but if you're with him the whole time you really you know, it's the classic Game of Thrones thing where you're you're watching someone who's going down a path that Seems like it will inevitably lead to victory and then something they die and that's also right now more And you only get his perspective, but I will say it was very satisfying when he gets his throat cut and his I just the actor did a really great job that realization of What did they just say me I really love I deserve a trial we had a fair shake I demand that you take me home safely.
It's like no no what Okay, then uh, where's that little bear girl you take me home Once Peter Bailish got killed Aria would just like walk back up to chill the sister and I thought girls take that face You're gonna need no kidding. Take everybody outside of this room doesn't know that Peter Bailish is dead. Take that face Yeah, go fucking hog wild another question. I had was how could Cersei possibly let Jamie leave not just because of This her brand new catchphrase that no one walks away from it. No one walks away from me I don't even need her to kill Jamie, but Cersei the strategic thinker would not let him go because He can tell of the people what her plan is like she can Certainly be like hey It breaks my heart that you want to betray me and you don't want to go along with my plan and I get that I'm not gonna kill you because we you know, we go way back to a womb but you can't let you go because the first thing you're gonna do is tell the north that I'm not really on their side and all I have going for me right now is the element of surprise with this army and if you tell them about it then I'm I feel like there's an element of trust where he might not even tell anybody Because his whole thing is I'm just gonna go I'm gonna fight these things because I think that's the important thing But he's not saying I'm gonna go ruin your plan saying you're at your plan is bad. We should be doing this I'm gonna go do that. So I think there's an element of her Not necessarily believing that he will literally go tell everybody about her betrayal. That's a good answer Yeah, that makes sense to me I had I had trouble with the idea of her as as ambitious as she is being willing to Allow the exposure to be known to the world that she wouldn't kill her brother She also doesn't care if they know that they yeah. Yeah, that's that doesn't undermine her ambitions My theory on that is that we're gonna find out that George RR Martin has a really hot cousin or something It's more George RR Martin. Just be like people are talking It's normalized there. I mean the queen doesn't it's very modern Very modern so maybe like she likes at the mountain down a one was like, okay If I ever like do like a knot is a threatening thing. Don't actually kill Jamie never kill Jamie Okay, do not let me text lonsel and do not kill Take my phone just take it away drink so much wine How does brand not know what Sam is doing?
I wasn't sure if you'd remember me. I remember everything Why did you come to Winterfell?
Check your good Google brain man. Ask ask the tree what Sam's doing Like an idiot go talk a little broccoli's and When he says I'm the three-eyed Raven Sam does what everyone should have done the whole time goes. Oh, I Don't know what that means Sam has been spending so much time in the Citadel reading about magic and about white walkers about all the stuff You'd think he would have known and or at least heard of the phrase three. Yeah, right. Yeah, right I've at least read the passage about the three-eyed Raven I don't know what it means, but I have heard of it, right Sam should have been like, oh, it's red Raven Oh, yeah, you're gonna you'll be trees one day.
Cool. Yeah I like that.
He also learned the fact that he was like ignoring Gilly about yeah didn't give her credit I transcribed a high septon's diary. He an old reg. I was married to earlier.
I translated this book I know the lilies sitting in that wagon with their baby But brand was going on assuming that it was sand even though brand warded into the Tower of Joy and Saw Liana Targaryen handing the baby to Ned and say and whisper his name is He checks again to hear to make sure that's what he heard this time because the first time he went the audio was bad But he just decided to go back. They cut away before I could tell but like I guess was squinting at Liana going his name is John when John sand yeah, you know, where's John? I gotta tell John something and I'm assuming it's the Targaryen stuff But in reality, he was gonna just tell him you know a snow bastard You're a sand bastard dad's friend killed your dad your actual dad. Yeah, the dad you did any less killed you killed your dad All your parents are dead. Yeah, just still That was a confusing scene to me because they Were revealing that Yes, John has the greatest claim to the throne but also that he's in no uncertain terms related to Daenerys Targaryen and The sex scene is still like really hot and it was it was really hard to know what to feel about that whole sequence There wasn't any the music wasn't like you didn't know this is creepy. Yeah, it was like yes, but So brand can see what's going on anywhere like he chooses you can just pull something up So I would love it if he was just like wow, John's Targaryen. I wonder what he's up to Oh Boy Sam we can't tell ya What we learned He'll be so sad. He's already so so we can't make it more sad I haven't even met him again, since I became this I'm gonna go back and watch to make sure this is bad Check in with him every night Another question I had I didn't write down so you're gonna be surprised why didn't Cersei asked him why he's not serving on the wall anymore Especially when like I know the son of Ned Stark will be a man of his word It's like I am a man of my word or at least I try to be I Can't declare for you because I've already declared for this person like we know that he hasn't in he's claiming this Inability to lie even when it's the right thing to do right then. Yeah, if I'm Cersei why am I not saying?
Okay, well doesn't sound like you took your knights watch vows so seriously. You're not supposed to declare it You're not supposed to be king. You're not supposed to have lands. You're not supposed to declare for anyone She doesn't like John and she wants him dead probably. Yeah, so if she says but you broke your oath I can kill you now She's the queen right could sentence him to death at that moment.
How's that gonna go there? I mean it would go terribly I thought that Daenerys showing up in the dragon by the way kind of a low-class move to me Yeah, it's like we know about the dragon. It just seems so like obvious. You know that there's like a little bit of like really It was strange to me I know the monster was was very scary, but it's so much less impressive than a dragon That's the first time a lot of these people are seeing a drag.
Yeah, giant dragon was like I ain't see nothing Wait till you see what's in this little box It's most of a guy right I was surprised it didn't come up I know they probably were like look we're not gonna fight we're just gonna talk today But once it started seeming like Cersei was not going to help them. I don't know why Danny was like I've been mostly quiet, but here's how this is gonna go He's gonna burn you right now in front of right unless you agree with us. That's sort like those are our options I need to kill all the dead people and I want you to help me with it If you don't I really can't have you being like I'm so stressed right now. I can't have you weighing into my mind, so He'll eat you. I don't know Literally nobody will be sorry about the only command I've ever taught him was Dracars Yes, so like I don't even have like bite her ankle. She can't run away Yeah, Cersei really doesn't have a lot of leverage there either cuz like who who said wouldn't you guys? Like Jamie, yeah, I've already said I'm telling he does something to make her alive again Right the mountain would have a like a twin of like well now who do I kill for yeah, but that's not a feeling I don't think the mountain has complex thoughts like yeah If there's anything we got out of that hound scene with him, and it's nothing right cool red eyes though Yeah, got some more cool hounds telling people to fuck off fuck off I think the Night King kind of won this episode personally him riding the dragon wasn't as dumb as I was worried Yeah, and it was like nice and cool. Yeah, like yeah, like cool I kind of want the Night King to win and for Kyber to be like man.
I just continue what I'm doing I'm not really on anyone's side. It's not even his shot.
It's like I'm the queen so turned on we just see Like stands up and like hang it's cut off. He's like for my work For Kyber I felt like he was like one minute away from like just letting that thing touch his mouth So really quick did the white walkers need a dragon to get through the wall seems like they've been waiting Like cuz he had those other white walkers the bearded ones like the clearly like the dads yeah, and yeah I'm sure they had conferences where they're like look night night King. I mean obviously you still have my support It's been thousands of years, and we're just hanging out here Sometimes someone comes and we get to kill him and that's really good for morale. Yeah troops are really happy, but like Want to buy me one more time? You think someone's gonna have a dragon again bring it here That's why you have to make all these an anti-dragon spears And then you'll have that and then we'll melt the wall yeah Can we work on something else just to give people jobs the dragon denier is the guy who is like the speared caddy? Soon as drags, I was like oh, that's my whole platform. Okay, your majesty.
I'm sorry I didn't believe it. I never down. I haven't been practicing for this It must be bummed their supply of babies is gone now by the way There used to be a huge part of their thing is that any time a boy was born They would give it to the night King and then one day he's like I used to have a really steady supply of babies from that horned up guy and it's What are you guys's predictions for the next and final season of Game of Thrones Wow? Since we're talking about babies actually I think it's possible that a white walker will take Sam's baby and turn it to a white Walker enough to cure it Fun that would make that story a matter. That's a lot of ghillie screen time Sam. I miss my baby I know that's that's the note you're playing. I just talked to a crazy tree boy. I can't deal with this I'm sorry.
I think Aria Ultimately ends up alone north of the wall. Yeah, and just lives a life out. You don't think Gendry shows back up and marries Aria Oh Baratheon in a stark That would be cute. I'd be I'd be cute with that Are we gonna have cute a cute ending of this movie or to this show we might right?
It'll be a bittersweet ending is what all the reports are so I think that just means like Either John or Danny dies It's got to be what I was hoping for Daenerys this whole time was that we're going to be We're gonna see her transition into a mad king like making a villain is the most Game of Thrones thing They could do on this show and there were some Seeds planted in that direction all season they've been doing that I agree, but this episode didn't really feel that way she Sure nephew on both right cuz also also this was Season has been mainly Tyrion being worried about her. Yeah, and through Tyrion were like, oh wow, maybe she's like not Keeping it together But this episode also had Tyrion saying no, she's good because she listens to me Yeah, and she's actually not a problem. But then I also had Tyrion kind of creep watching from the shadows there there Yeah, rendezvous. It was really unclear. I think they have set up that maybe Tyrion Is viewed by her before the end as a traitor?
Yeah, I think they have set that up pretty pretty deftly I think Cersei needs to die. I think that'll happen by Jamie, right? Yeah It would be the most satisfying like I know like seriously is on Arya's list And there are these people who want her dead, but if Arya goes and kills Cersei, I don't care I don't feel anything from that. I only feel something if Jamie does it.
Who sits on the Iron Throne? John John because he's the only person who is actually democratically elected You know, I mean like which is we're still obsessed with putting that in our monarchy shows.
Does someone kill the Night King and make everyone disappear or do they find some way to Remagic the wall and banish them again for another couple of thousand years Making sure this is like a cyclical fight that keeps happening. One scene where somebody has a conversation with the Night King would be very satisfying Yes, something something small. We'll see that. I hope so We're never gonna see like the ice dragon gets killed and a bunch of wights and then the Night King looks around was like Cool. All right start stacking up ice for the wall Hey everybody thanks for watching make sure to subscribe by clicking the big C in the middle of your screen and also hit the bell icon to get Notifications and also other stuff I can keep talking |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_204_Senator_Murray_Watt_ALP | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms, folks, I could sue, you know. But I ain't spending any time on it. Get me my valium. Don't stop wearing the speedos.
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Decode podcast. You're joined today by your hosts, Clancy Overell and Errol Parker. How are you, Errol?
Keeping dry? I'm keeping dry, mate. Keeping dry out here in the Dymantina Shire is pretty easy, mate.
Not as easy as it is in our state's lovely southeast corner at the moment, though. Yeah, it's been an unprecedented month of natural disasters down the East Coast from Gympie to Lismore to the Hawkesbury River out the back of Sydney. There's been a lot of pain and strife. You didn't have to look too far to see that. It was on almost every screen of a newspaper across this country.
And the rains and floods have been so devastating that it's even convinced our prime minister to start talking about this changing climate. It's something he's been very reluctant to do until now. And with the changing climate comes new responsibilities for our federal politicians. One cabinet MP that's been getting a lot more airtime than others lately is the Minister for Emergency Management, Senator Bridget McKenzie. However, with everything that's been going on, there's very few windows to interview such an important member of the coalition. We've been struggling to pin her down. So today we're going to speak to the man that wants to take her job from her, the Shadow Minister for Labor.
Senator Murray Watt, thank you for joining us today on Decode. G'day, boys. Good to talk to you. Now, we'll get into the roles and responsibilities that kind of come with being in charge of emergency management a bit later on. To begin with, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Where are you based? Yes, I'm a Brizzy boy, much like you, Clancy, or at least you passed through Brizzy at different times in your life.
I've lived in Brisbane all but two years. I lived in Melbourne for a couple of years. So I live in Brisbane with my family. I have my office on the Gold Coast.
But being a senator, my electorate's the whole state. So I spend a lot of time in places like the Diamond Tina and further north as well. So it's a good job to get you out and about right across the state.
So what drew you to the Labor Party as a school captain of Brisbane State High into law student, how would you say, high performing inner city rat, capital city kid? What drew you to the Labor Party?
It doesn't really sound like they were cutting too much sugar cane down there on Buddy Vulture Street. If you think I'm high performing, you've been speaking to the wrong people, I reckon. But yeah, no, I did manage to go to State High, which was a great high school and learnt a lot there.
But I suppose my politics really come from my family, like a lot of people. So my father's side of the family are actually from around Mackay, from a farming background. And not surprisingly, most of them were National Party voters. But my mum's side of the family was staunch Labor people, mainly from the Darling Downs originally. And then they moved into Brisbane.
So like a lot of kids, I suppose politics was something that came up around the dinner table. And I had a couple of great uncles in particular. And my grandfather were really influential. And I was one of those nerds. When I was younger, I was pretty interested in politics. And I used to love sitting around the table, catching up with them and hearing what they had to say. And I suppose I was young enough then that it was still in the days of Joe Bajocki Peterson in Queensland, and he was a pretty dominant personality. And there was no way I was going to come out of my family and support the conservative side of politics.
After everything I'd heard about Joe. Some rather strong language, you reckon, around the dinner table about Joe. There was a little bit of strong language that you wouldn't think that 80 year old men in Toowoomba could swear that much. But when you get talking about Joe Bajocki Peterson, they could get going.
Now, Murray, it seems like the only left leaning politician in Queensland who didn't work for Morris Blackburn lawyers is Bob Catter. What's with the place? Yeah, well, I always wonder whether Morris Blackburn maybe should have made Bob Catter an honorary consultant or something like that just to complete the club. Either that or the Queensland bar.
That's right.
Wouldn't he be a sight to behold at the Barrasses table?
Yeah, no, look, there are a lot of Morris Blackburn people from Queensland and in fact, across the country who've ended up in politics. And I suppose it's because, you know, the kind of work that Morris Blackburn does, their slogan is we fight for fair. And I had the great fortune to work there a couple of times fighting for fair. And I suppose that's what I and some of the other Morris Blackburn people now do in federal parliament as well. So I think, you know, you wouldn't want a parliament full of lawyers, but it's kind of helpful to have a background in the law at times. And, you know, in some ways, what I do now in federal politics is a bit of a continuation of what I've been doing my whole career, sort of as an advocate for people who need help in our community, whether it be workers or refugees or unions or or others. And that's what we try and do day in, day out in federal parliament as well.
So you started off at state level as a member of the Bligh government. Am I correct there? You up there in Peter Dutton country, actually at a state level.
And prior to the pandemic, I guess the states have really lifted during the pandemic and during all these disasters. But prior to that, not many people across Australia, particularly in Queensland, really thought there was much point to having a state government. You know, a lot of people, no one knew their local member.
They just went and voted for whatever color looked nice on the day. Can you tell me what you actually did for three years down there in Riverside or wherever the hell the parliament is nowadays? I reckon I had one of the briefest stints as a state politician the country has ever seen, a glorious three years. I had the good fortune to get into state politics just when the tide was going out on the Labor Party. So the electorate I represented was a state seat of Everton, which is, if anyone knows Brisbane, it's sort of the mid northern suburbs. And you're right, most of it was in Peter Dutton's electorate. So I used to have to go along to school assemblies and listen to Peter Dutton sing the national anthem, which was always a pretty interesting experience. But yeah, it was good working going into state parliament.
And I'd worked for Anna Bligh as her chief of staff for quite a number of years before that. But the reality was we're on the way out and it was a pretty difficult three years. We were all fighting with each other, fighting with unions. And it sort of distracted from some of the good things that we were doing, because, you know, I think the government had done some really good things in education reform and health reform and stuff like that.
But sometimes when your time is up, there's nothing you can do about it. And you just get washed out with the tidal wave.
And that's what happened to me and a whole bunch of other people as well. And it also happened with the government that replaced you almost one to was it one term later? Yeah, Campbell was a flash in the pan as well. The erratic voters up there in Queensland, Murray. Well, yeah, we're we're a volatile bunch. You know, when we deliver a message to a government, we deliver it in no uncertain terms. So they had the baseball bats out for us in 2012, and then they had the same baseball bats out for Campbell Newman.
I'll never forget.
I did a lot of campaigning in Townsville for that 2015 election when Campbell Newman lost. And I remember calling people, asking them to vote for Labor. And all I had to do was say, how do you feel about Campbell Newman? And I basically would have to take the phone half a meter away from my head because people just went off.
So we do swing around a bit. And I suppose at a federal level, that's obviously what we're hoping will happen this time round as well.
So the baseball bats is an interesting thing because we haven't really seen the baseball bats come out for a while outside of these McGowan-Palaszczuk elections. We haven't seen the baseball bats come out to get rid of someone. I mean, Palaszczuk and McGowan only confirm the positions by landslide. But we really have probably not since Campbell have we seen someone just get the punt.
What had Campbell done that had put him on the nose and made people want change? Because as we're seeing amongst voters, a lot of people don't want change. And particularly when when times are tough, people kind of want some sort of continuity. Yeah, well, I think Campbell's problem, we had a couple of problems.
One is that every morning he seemed to take a whole handful of angry pills and go out and pick fights with as many people as he possibly could that day. But also, I think because they did have such an enormous majority, I think they just were so cocky and they thought they'd be there for years and they could do whatever they want, whatever they wanted, offend as many people as they wanted. And of course, they paid a price for that three years later. So, you know, it's sort of feels like it's a long time ago now. But when you remember back to that, he I think he sacked something like 14,000 public servants, including thousands of nurses.
He took on the legal profession. He took on the medical profession.
So even groups who traditionally been pretty supportive of the Liberal Party, he went to war with them. And I think, you know, you're right. The bikies, he came for the bikies. He went after the bikies as well. And, you know, they know how to handle themselves. I think they even engaged PR consultants at the time to try to knock over Campbell, which is pretty interesting.
But yeah, and I suppose that's the difference compared to what politics has been like, especially at the state level the last few years. You've had probably more moderate governments and probably from both parties who listen a lot more to the people. And I think I think that's something that all of us in Queensland and Labor learned from losing in 2012 and then from watching Newman lose is that you've got to listen to people, you've got to take them with you. And the minute you don't, they'll turn around and kick you up the butt. Your time in state politics ends as a result of, you know, Campbell Newman coming through 2013. It's not until 2016 where you kind of made your move into federal politics as a senator this time. What did you do for three years?
That's all we want to know.
We know Mark Latham did between leading the Labor Party and then joining One Nation, the New South Wales Upper House. He went on Sky News a lot and he certainly didn't get any taxis because none of them would stop for him anymore. What does Senator Murray Watt do in between the big jobs? Yeah, well, I also didn't go and get myself a crew cut like Mark Latham did after he lost as well. So whatever Mark Latham does, I try to do exactly the opposite.
But yeah, look, I think immediately after I lost, actually, it was a pretty difficult time for a few months. But Morris Blackburn were really good enough to take me back on. And I'll be honest with you, I had worked as a lawyer for quite a few years before I went into politics and went into being an adviser. And when I left law, I probably thought I wasn't going to do it again. And to be honest, it was one of my only options that I had.
But it turned out really well. And I really enjoyed the work that there I worked in class actions, which I'd never done before, and got involved in some campaigns that the firm was involved in around work cover law protection that Newman was trying to take people's legal rights away to sue if they got injured at work. So I helped out on that. And I also got really involved in some refugee legal work, which was really rewarding. And it was actually Scott Morrison was the immigration minister at the time. So we were sort of going to war with him on a daily basis, both in the courts and the media about particularly some kids who'd been born in Australia to families who'd come here by boat. And that was a really contentious issue at the time. And that was the kind of really interesting and rewarding work that the firm was involved in.
So while I didn't want to go back there initially, I had a really good time. But I think for me, being involved in politics is sort of the way that you can create bigger change. And that's why I was keen to get back into it if I had another chance. So how did the opportunity to get arguably the most plumb job in Australia, which is to be a senator? How did that opportunity present itself to you? Yeah, it is a really good job that I'm very lucky to have. And I thank people for that every single day. I suppose for me, having been involved in state politics, one way or another, either as an advisor or as a member, I've been doing it for about 10 years. And I was sort of early 40s around the time that I lost. And I suppose for me, I felt like if I was going to do politics, I needed to do something different and have a bit of a new challenge. And I mean, I think federal politics is obviously really interesting. The kind of issues that you deal with, whether it be disaster management or foreign affairs or the economy or whatever. And I was kind of keen to get into it. And we were coming up to a point where we were going to be having pre selections for the Senate. And I put my hand up for that because as I say, I sort of felt like I had something to offer and I was keen to give it a go. And and I think going into federal politics, I was actually really attracted to the idea of going in as a small fish in a really big pond, because I think whatever you do in life, it's always good to keep learning. And I sort of felt that if I went back and did state politics again, you know, I'd probably keep doing similar things to what I'd done before. And I wanted to try something different. And I suppose, you know, learn from a different group of people, the likes of Albo and Penny Wong and Tanya Plibersek and people like that. So when the opportunity came along, I grabbed it and there was a pre selection and then an election. And now here I am and having a ball.
So Albanese since bumped you up into his shadow ministry. As we said at the start of this interview, you're the man coming for Senator Bridget Mackenzie's most recent portfolio, which is that of disaster management, emergency management. What do you think labor's chances are in May? You know, honest, we asked Albanese this, too, and he gave us a pretty candid he was confident, but he gave us some seats that he thought were going to flip in their favor. This is a fair few months ago now. What do you think your chances are? I know you got to stay positive, but what is it looking like to you?
Yeah, well, I probably need to say word for word what Albo said. Otherwise, I'll lose my job.
No broad church here. Mate, he isn't your boss, mate. We are the people of Queensland.
Today at least, I'll try to keep you guys happy. No, look, I'm certainly hopeful about the coming election. But I think all of us in labor remember that we thought we were going to win the last election as well. And it didn't turn out that way. All the polls had us winning. And I remember all through the campaign, I didn't feel at the time that I was cocky. But looking back on it, I think we probably all were, including myself. And we're not going to make that mistake again. So we're going to be really hungry and work hard every single day.
But, you know, as I travel around Queensland and I've obviously been spending a fair bit of time in northern New South Wales lately with the floods, I was up in the Northern Territory this week. So I get around a fair bit. And wherever I go, people are really off ScoMo.
I felt it really started turning against him towards the end of last year. And it's only got worse ever since then.
And I think people are just over him. I think they're over the lies. I think they're over the the bullshit photo opportunities. And I think they want someone to be straight with them.
So I'm certainly hopeful and I'm certainly hopeful that we can pick up some seats in Queensland because we did really badly here last time. But we're all very conscious that the only day that matters is polling day.
As someone who, obviously, you know, you can see the two spectrums in your own family. You know, you've got the Gnat, you know, up in Mackay, you got that family up north and then your mother's staunch labor side. What do you do when you're out and about? And I'm sure it has happened to you in northern New South Wales when you run into someone who just cannot concede on their beliefs.
Tell us about it. Have you gotten a few sprays? How does it work when you're out there in your role representing something that people detest? I do get my share of sprays, and I've got to the point where I have to warn my office when I'm going on to do a Sky News interview because they'll get a barrage of calls from people who hate everything I have to say for warning.
And in fact, as when I was heading down to Lismore, the very day I pulled in to get petrol on the way into the Gold Coast and a bloke there, a truckie, recognized me and he said, you're that Murray Whatfeller, aren't you? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd been in the media that day complaining about Skomo and the floods. And he said, just lay off Skomo. He's a good bloke, lay off him. So, yeah, people, he was very friendly about it.
But you do cop it from time to time. But I think in some ways, maybe the family upbringing I have, you know, with different sort of views in it probably did help me to become a bit more sort of understanding of both sides of the argument. I mean, I'm you know, I play politics as hard as the next person. And, you know, I'm very sort of solid about my views, but I think it always does help to understand that there's people with different views. And frankly, the challenge you've always got in politics is that it's not enough just to get the people who always vote Labor to vote for you. You've got to try to appeal to people who don't as well. So, you know, working out how you best put an argument to appeal to people's beliefs and their values, you know, is an important part of the job. And yeah, I think probably the family upbringing I had and I lived in suburban Brisbane, you know, you know, pretty mainstream sort of neighborhood, Mansfield, where there's people with all sorts of different views.
City Point College, maybe? Yeah.
Well, there are certainly some very interesting views in Mansfield. Even when I was growing up, some of those views were around, but it seems to have got even more intense. But I was pleased to see that the vast majority of people thought that that was the wrong way for City Point to go. And hopefully they've learned something from it.
Well, you talked before about working under Bly and how, you know, the tide was coming out as you got in there and everyone was fighting with each other. You were fighting with the unions. This has traditionally been the reputation Labor has. They might not have it at a federal level at the moment, even though there has been some, you know, attempts at division in the last few weeks from Credlin anyway. Although Sky News are trying to say that you're all fighting with each other.
But that doesn't seem to show to the everyday kind of... If you are, you are all hiding it well. Yeah, yeah. Tell us, though, like it can't be that good. It can't be that as peachy as it is now.
We see Penny, we see Albo, we see Tanya, we see everyone. We see Shorten and Albo, you know, men who we know were gunning for each other's jobs at one point.
How do you deal with that in-house? You've got a lot of you there. You've got a lot of...
I know this is very much a coalition issue, the ambition where everyone wants to be prime minister. But you do have a lot of egos and a lot of different opinions. Yeah, look, and at times it can be challenging. And, you know, there are different people in the Labor Party with different views on, and let's face it, politics attracts people with strong opinions and you wouldn't want it to be any different. You don't want, you know, people to be really bland in politics. You know, some would argue that I am and others are and we want less of that. So I think, you know, we have formal processes to manage that sort of debate. And even recently, you know, our caucus, so the meeting of all the federal labor MPs meets once a week when parliament sits. And there are times that we have pretty robust debates. We had one recently about the religious discrimination bill and everyone got to put their position and there were different views about that.
But everyone stuck together to the decision that we made. And I think maybe that is something that's different about labor compared to the other parties is that, you know, labor is about the collective, about working together, sticking together. And, you know, that's the view of the union movement as well. Workers coming together to advance their their issues. And, you know, we don't always manage to pull it off. But I think generally speaking, we do try to work as a team because we believe people get further in life if they work as a team. And that is different to the liberals and the nationals who, you know, are more about individuals. And they sometimes pay a price for that. Like what we're seeing with them now, splitting off just today.
You know, we've had liberal and national party MPs at the state level in New South Wales come out and bag Scott Morrison and say they wouldn't vote for him, one resigning from parliament because of the way he's handled the floods. And I don't think you'd get that so much from the Labor Party because we'd probably have a big ding dong battle behind closed doors, but we'd walk out of it, you know, with this, you know, sticking by each other. The last election, I think when Errol and I saw the wheels starting to shake a little bit on labor was when we interviewed Tanya Plibersek and we asked her, can you tell us?
And I'm going to ask you the same question. So prepare yourself.
We asked her what labor policy was labor bringing to that election that she thought people would not like? Because sometimes you have to start talking about things that people don't like. You have to make decisions that are tough. What would you say labor right now heading into the 2022 federal election is working hard to push against the popular sentiment?
By the way, by the way, her answer was nothing.
Everyone's going to love everything.
And I that wasn't a very good answer. Which is almost as bad as Chris, the beard Bowen going on on radio saying, if you don't like our policies, don't vote for us. It's like, OK, OK. Yeah, well, I might not say that. And I reckon Chris probably wouldn't say it again these days either. But no, look, I'll probably give you two.
I mean, from from different ends of the political spectrum, there's a lot of people on our sort of, if you like, our left side, who think that we have made a mistake in basically agreeing with a range of the tax cuts that the government has made. So we got a lot of flak, whether it be from the Greens Party or even from some of our own members for going along with that. But I think one of the things that we learned from the last election was that we need to demonstrate that we're economically responsible. Australians don't like the idea of voting for massive tax increases. And I think you've got to learn from your mistakes in the past when you're just a bit too ambitious for people. So that that's a policy that we've taken that, you know, is not going to be popular with some parts of our voting base.
And then on the other side of it, I was actually just doing an interview this morning with at the ABC and Mackay about casualisation. Which is a really big problem in so many industries and up there, particularly in the mining industry. So in the coal mining industry, you've got lots and lots of people these days who are hired as labour hire casuals, and they don't have permanent work, they don't have job security. They've got lower incomes than permanent workers. And we've said that we would fix that. And I know that there are employer groups out there who don't like that. And they see that that's a cost to their business. But what we've seen in Australia over the last few years is that people's wages just are not rising. Everything is going up except people's wages. And we've got to do something about that kind of casualisation and job security if we're going to be able to give people the bargaining position to get themselves decent wage rises. So, you know, on both sides of it, left and right, there are policies that we're offering that people aren't happy with.
But I think it just comes back to making sure that whatever policies you're putting forward really line up with what labour stands for. And I feel like we do this time round.
I think one of the biggest issues coming into this election particularly this time is the national issue of housing affordability and the fact that if you're born in the wrong postcode to the wrong parents, the chances of you owning a house anywhere in this country is drastically reduced. What is labour going to do to basically make it easier for people for any ordinary Australian to buy a home to be able to afford to live while also protecting these investments made by the people up on the hill at fucking Ascot and Hendra and around that, you know, all those people? Well, yeah, look, housing affordability has become a huge problem in Australia.
And, you know, it's not a new problem. But I think over the last couple of years, it has got worse. And I've got younger friends of mine, along with the younger members of my staff who've been trying to buy a home or even an apartment for a very long time and just cannot get in the market. You know, when they turn up to an auction, there's 40 other people there who've got more money than them and can bid higher. And it's just becoming harder and harder for people.
So one of the things that Labor has announced is really trying to deal with just the sheer shortage of housing, because that's obviously, you know, the fact that we haven't got the supply of housing puts a real pressure on the prices as well. So what we've said we would do is create what we're calling a Housing Australia Fund, which would basically invest about $10 billion a year and use the proceeds to build more affordable homes. And, you know, you would expect a Labor government would invest pretty heavily in public housing or social housing. And that's certainly a component of what we're talking about here for the most disadvantaged in our community. But one of the other things that's new about this is it's also about building affordable homes for essential workers, because this is the problem in Australia is that it's got to the point where you can have a full time job paying a pretty sort of medium sort of income and just cannot afford to buy a home. So what we've said is, yeah, that we'd be building, I think it's 30,000, I didn't brush up on my numbers, but from memory, it's 30,000 new social and affordable homes in Australia, which puts more supply in the market and gives more people a chance. And even that funding, you know, we want to make sure that it particularly addresses some of the specific problems in the housing market. So women and children fleeing domestic violence, they have a particular problem finding homes and crisis accommodation for people and emergency homes for people fleeing DV. That'll be a real focus, along with indigenous housing. As I say, I've just been up in the Northern Territory for a few days, and it's a reminder that the conditions indigenous people live in are just a national disgrace. So we're committing more funding there as well, along with veterans is another group in our community with a really high homelessness rate. And some of that package that we put together will be catering to them, too. But the bottom line is more homes, both social and affordable.
And I expect we'll have a bit more to say about that in the run up to the election as well. Well, aren't we lucky Brisbane's got plenty of swampland to develop. Well, that's something we've got to learn to do a bit differently as well, I suspect. Now, you've become somewhat of a household name throughout these floods, you know, nationally as the Shadow Minister. Was this the job you wanted? Like you look back at the last couple of years of disasters. I reckon I'd prefer to be in charge of something inconsequential if I was in the in the cabinet, something like industry and innovation, sport, sport.
Well, there's the fun portfolios and there's the not so fun portfolios. But it's a really great portfolio.
I think you're right. I mean, when when Albo asked me to take this on, I was obviously really grateful for the opportunity, but didn't expect it to become such a massive issue. And I suppose that just reflects the times we're in with climate change becoming more and more real for people. You know, within a few months of taking on this role, we were dealing with the black summer bushfires and that Christmas holiday was one I'll never forget, because there certainly weren't a lot of holidays mixed up in it.
And, you know, the situation people went through was terrible. And of course, we've now seen these floods as well. So I think one of the things I sort of reflect on is the often going into regions when they're at their lowest moment where, you know, literally the ground has been destroyed. Homes have been destroyed. The emotions are really raw. I went to an evacuation center in Lismore with our deputy leader, Richard Miles, the first day we were there and people were grieving still. And there were people telling us their stories where they literally thought they were going to die in the floods.
And, you know, that you can't help but be moved by that and be moved to take action. And I suppose that's why I was so angry about the Morrison government being completely MIA through those floods, that there were people who desperately needed help, do not know where they're going to live, have lost their business, in some cases have lost people they're really close to or their pets or their animals. And there was just no one from the government there. So, yeah, as I say, if you're someone who cares about people and I think most of us do, you can't help be moved when you go into those sort of situations, being really motivated to try to fix things.
That's something I want to quickly ask you. Obviously, we've lit up Morrison. Everyone has, every media outlet, even the ones that are actively supporting him, couldn't help but light him up over the Hawaii bushfire. And this last month down there in Lismore and how long it takes anyone in his government, regardless if he's at home isolating or not, how long it takes to get any action. Can you just clarify this and be fair about it? Is this just the time we're living in where we have a 24 hour news cycle so we know where the prime minister is at all times? You know, like those Black Saturday bushfires was down there in Victoria. Kevin made his way down. But, you know, was that a week later or is it too much expected of leaders now that we know where they're at at all times?
Or do you actually reckon he's dragging the chain? I think he definitely is dragging the chain.
And I think the thing that's most angered people through the floods is that they've seen it happen before. They saw it happen through the bushfires.
And you guys were the ones who coined Scotty for marketing. And it stuck for a reason, because it's true.
And I think people were just stunned that he didn't seem to learn anything from the bushfires. You know, he went to Hawaii, was missing in action. His office lied about where he was until it was exposed. Well, he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
That's what I think. I think that's right.
And I think that one of the things we've learned about Scott Morrison is that he just lacks empathy. He just doesn't get it. And, you know, whether we're talking about disaster victims or some of the comments he's made about women, he just doesn't seem to have empathy for other people.
And, you know, every interview I did when I was in Lismore about him and the government being missing, I acknowledged that he was in isolation due to Covid. And I didn't have a shot at him about not being there in person. But it didn't mean that he couldn't have got other ministers from the government out there on the ground running the show. He could easily have issued a national emergency declaration from his bed if he needed to. It's just that he just seems to have this habit of waiting for problems to become a crisis before he actually takes any action. It's whatever the situation, whether it be the bushfires or the vaccines or the rapid antigen tests or now the floods is just always too little, too late. And when he does surface from wherever he is, his first instinct is to blame other people, which he's done again with the floods, trying to blame the New South Wales government.
And, you know, I think I think people are over it. They just want a leader who takes some responsibility. Do you think that, you know, I know that a lot of people used to give him a lot of stick kind of back in the day. You know, they used to compare him with the likes of Malcolm Bezos and that as being some of the most ill-equipped and poor performing prime ministers we've ever had. Do you think that Tony Abbott could have handled this better?
Well, he might have at least been able to go and put out a fire, I suppose, mightn't he? Having been a volunteer fireman. He was there. He was. All these inner city lefties were chortling on just like, it's like, what do you mean he's there?
Yeah, and you know, that's the thing. You can't knock someone who's actually on the ground doing the work, can you? So, look, I think it's not just Tony Abbott. I think most prime ministers we've had in recent years would have actually shown up and would have taken control. And that's what I mean. He seems to lack empathy. He never takes responsibility for a problem. I mean, think about that. You know, I don't hold a hose is the classic example.
But the number of times he has been on film saying, that's not my job. That's not my job. Whatever the job is, it doesn't seem to be his job.
He's the bloody national leader. If these things aren't his job, what is his job apart from marketing? Yeah, so I think most of our PMs, Liberal, Labor, whatever, would have stepped up to the plate and every single time he steps back. Now, Murray, we're slipping into this kind of textbook Labor trope of firing shots from the sideline here. I want to know, as someone with that power, as someone who would have been sent there if a Prime Minister Albanese was at home in isolation, what would have you done from day one in Lismore, the levee breaks, what happens?
Yeah, well, I think from day one, what was needed was some more resourcing to save people, whether it be ADF, SES, whatever. The stories that I heard in Lismore from people having to get out in their own their own tinnies to rescue people because of a lack of resources. I mean, it is a miracle that more people didn't die in those floods, whether it be people trapped in their homes or people having their tinnie capsize. You know, we're not talking about Clive Palmer's super yachts being out there picking people up. It was it was eight foot tinnies and, you know, dozens or hundreds of people were rescued by their own fellow citizens. So I think we needed to have more people on the ground from day one to help people evacuate. Even days after the flood peaked, people were still having to crowdfund their own helicopters to perform rescues or to do food drops, which is just insane in a first world country.
Then the recovery, I think, you know, I think it does really matter to have a visible presence on the ground from senior leaders. If it's not the prime minister, then the deputy or one of the relevant ministers, because it gives people a sense of hope that someone with authority is there watching it with their own eyes, hearing it with their own ears can get on the phone and demand that certain things happen. And so I think we'd just be a lot more present through the disasters so that we can actually get the resources in, whether it be the immediate response and saving people's lives or recovery.
But the other big difference that we've put forward if we win the election is a significant increase in investment in disaster mitigation from the federal government. So investing in things like flood levees, cyclone shelters, bushfire evacuation centres, telecommunications, which all are always during bushfires and floods. And you might have seen there's been a lot of debate about this emergency response fund that Scott Morrison's got. That he set up three years ago to invest in disaster recovery and mitigation, hasn't spent a cent on recovery, hasn't even started building a single disaster mitigation project. And what we've said is that if we're elected, we'll convert that into being 100 percent about disaster mitigation so that we'll have up to 200 million dollars a year to invest in those things like flood levees, better drainage systems, cyclone shelters, bushfire stuff to keep people safe. And that's something that a whole range of people, whether it be insurers or local governments or even the Productivity Commission, which is a federal government body, was recommending the feds put in 200 million dollars a year into this.
They said that years ago and we just haven't seen it happen.
So, yeah, I think we need to acknowledge that climate change is real. It's going to mean more intense disasters in the future. And we need to start investing as well as obviously reducing our emissions, which is important. We've also got to prepare for the future by investing in that kind of mitigation to keep people safe, keep their properties safe and reduce the huge cost to taxpayers every time there's one of these disasters.
Well, it looks like you've got a big job ahead of you. Regardless of whether you're in power and in a couple of months time, because you're going to be making these decisions and if you're not in power, you're going to be having to go there anyway, because it doesn't seem like anyone goes to these things as it currently stands. So it looks like you're going to be the man on the ground, regardless of who's in power. So all the best for that. Look after yourself.
And what's the weather like in Brisbane today? Today's not too bad. It's pretty muggy, mind you. And I was a bit worried that I was already sweating so much at 10 o'clock this morning, so I might have to have a change of shirt before the day's out, I think.
Thanks for joining us, Murray. Good to talk to you, fellas. Thanks a lot. |
dropout | how_to_plan_a_wedding_in_10_steps_the_honest_version | Congratulations on your engagement. You just signed on for a lifetime of love, companionship, and 12 to 18 months of logistical hell. Step one, pick a location. Okay, this is easy. Catholic Church.
Step two, make a guest list. I have 86 cousins and they all have kids. My mom says we have to invite all the couples they met on their cruise last year. That means we get to invite two friends.
That's more than we thought. Step three, set a budget. We want something simple and cheap. Then fuck that budget, because no matter what you do, it's going to be expensive.
You'll ride in on a Shetland Pony and then enjoy a seven-course meal in a croquet garden. Super low-key. Chalk boards and mason jars will get a food truck. I got shit out in the bag. Put some Christmas lights in it.
Wait. This is for a fucking wedding. Step four, grow disillusion with the commercial wedding industry and resist the urge to elope. I talked to the photographer. We can upgrade from the lovey-dovey package to the lovey-dovey platinum package, or we could just say fuck it, drive to Vegas and own this. Too late. I already put a down payment on the DJ.
I'm going to put the black eye peas. Whoo! Step five, send out save the dates. Not to be confused with invitations, which are different for some reason. I don't know. Sometimes save the dates are magnets. Step six, fight about things you don't actually care about. The cummer buns have to be periwinkle because the bow ties are periwinkle! That's going to clash with the tape! Step seven, register for gifts you don't actually care about. Do we need a banana unpeeler? Step eight, find an officiant that will appease your super religious extended family and your super liberal atheist friends.
I'll talk about how woman is servant to her husband and I'll also probably mention hell a few times. You'll both drink from the earth chalice, then I'll do a dance in honor of Mother Gaia. I will read the Lord's Prayer and also I'm gay.
Oh, thank God you're in. You're in.
Step nine, send more fancy litter. Make sure to include litter. They can litter back to you.
Not that they will. Hey, I was just wondering if you were coming because you haven't RSVP'd yet and it's $80 per plate, Darren! The only thing left to do is step ten. Have awkward conversations with friends you could move by. Yeah, I haven't gotten my invitation yet.
No! Really? No!
Congratulations, you planned a wedding. Enjoy it. This is the one day when everyone in your life will come together and find something to be disappointed about. A buffet? That is so tacky. Cousin Sally's wedding had a chocolate fountain.
And the Comer Bones clashed with the table runners! Oh! Oh my God!
You're at a free party and you're going to complain? You know, everyone should just elope! Just elope! Am I the only one who didn't find this funny? |
cracked | 6_bizarrely_specific_trends_in_hollywood_history | Six surprisingly specific movies.
Watch and s- You bastard, what did you do to my son? I am your son, Mom. Where is my child? Mom! Where is my son?!
Sorry, I'm normally a bit taller. Jack. My wish. I'm 18 again. He thinks like George Burns.
I feel quite tingly. That's right. Those are my tingles you're feeling. What do you mean? Oh, major tingles.
She looked like, uh, Christy Love. Remember that TV show that Christy Love?
You're under arrest, sugar. Like a virgin, it's not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what True Blue's about. No, granted, no argument about that.
It's a Madonna pap smear. I know it's kind of cloudy, but it's a Madonna pap smear.
And the second time around? The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction. All those innocent contractors brought in to do the job were killed. Gilligan's Island?
It's what's called a male pornographic fantasy. One, a seductive sex goddess type. The other, a healthy girl next door type with a nice butt. So guys have it all, the Madonna and the whore.
Right now, we're inside a computer program. Is it really so hard to believe? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? You wanted to know what it was about us that made us human. Well, you're not gonna find it in here. Existence is past! How many simulated worlds like this are there? Thousands. But yours is the only one that ever created a simulation within the simulation.
Time to pick up the tempo, boys. One more! Rest in pieces. What is this, a pirate gun? Gold school. Thank you, Rhett. I've been waiting for you. Open it. No respect. I'm sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then into the world. You were right. Humanity.
I feel quite tingly. That's right. Those are my tingles, you're feeling. What do you mean? Oh, major tingle. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_258_Tim_Ross_talks_Australian_architecture_Part_1 | We had a legal representative a couple of weeks back, we had Jenny Robinson, Julian Assange's lawyer. A legal representative, that's what you're going to describe arguably the nation's greatest legal export. Yeah, that's what I meant. A legal export who also represents West Papua in the high court and Julian Assange.
She was a great guest. When I was talking about your average kind of dentist, from above the Chinese takeout restaurant. No, she doesn't have the firm above the laundromat. Following up after her, we had Jason Foo of the triple threat Archibald Sormann win finalist fame. That was an interesting one.
So we go from the law to the arts, haven't had a sport star on for a while. We did have Willie Mason earlier in the year.
And then last week, Don Walker, arguably Australia's greatest singer songwriter. Learn a lot about the story of Cold Chisel and the man. Today's guest is here talking design, which is also, I guess, in the scheme of things, something that we would engage with either consciously or subconsciously every single day of our lives, architecture particularly. Today's guest has made a name for himself in what I would describe as one of the great media career pivots of all time. Tim Ross, thank you for joining us. It's an absolute pleasure, gentlemen. I love that chat with Don Walker. You know, I saw Don one day. I was going to see Tim Rogers at the Hobbs and when it was still a pub that was open in Sydney, one of those great small band venues.
And I was standing at the door waiting for a mate and he turned up, his name was on the door because he should be on the name, should be on the door, legend like Don. And the girl at the desk, she said, Oh, my name's on the door. And she said, what's your name?
And he went, Don Walker. And she went, Don who? And she had no idea.
And you think about, you know, he is so modest, isn't he, that I found it fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Anyway, people can go back and listen to that one. Yeah, yeah. No, it is interesting.
I feel like there was people that exist in, in terms of the Heartland Rock. And we're already talking about something completely different now. In terms of the Heartland Rock, Chisel held that in Australia for decades, for generations. And I think Bruce Springsteen held a similar place in America. And I know that there were people that worked alongside him that wrote these songs that kind of would not get recognised at the door. Yeah, but I think if you look at Don and those deeply thoughtful songs, and then also the way that, you know, how they connected in a time when those beer barns were everything and you know, people were just blind and killing each other.
And then there's this sort of this underlying beauty to him and he's dressed the same way the whole time. Like he's extraordinary. He's a national treasure.
Well, there was one part of that podcast that I really found interesting was that after Don had moved to Adelaide and was in, was in Cold Chisel in its first incarnations, he decided to move back to Armidale and the band followed him to Armidale from Adelaide. So I guess, you know, Adelaide isn't that bad that you'd moved to Armidale.
So they must have, I identified very early on that Don was the glue that was going to hold. He was crucial to this. He was going to be the one that made him millionaires.
Grog soaked band together. It was a hedonist six months for them. Yeah. While I was doing physics and pure mathematics at a glorified TAFE college in New England. He spent some serious time with Tucker's daughter. Now Yes, no, no. This is great. We're dealing with, as I said, we're dealing with a radio professional effectively. You did many, many, many more hours in the booth than we ever have.
You came up that way, but you have asserted yourself and you probably won't like this description, but I'm going to say it as an authority in design and architecture in Australia. You obviously have a very big interest in it, but you have a encyclopedic white boy brain, which you very rarely see in, uh, in people that work in media who have interests and you have numbers and data and moments in time and you can identify so much about this world of architecture and design that, uh, some would think that you might've had a job before you were on breakfast right now, if you now in this day, if you listen to enough people and read a bit and Google a lot, you can, you can have a go and stuff. But I do. I think he, if you are interested in something and in terms of Australian design and Australian history, which I have been pretty much my whole life, you sort of pick some things up along the way. And if you listen to some smart people once in a blue moon, you know, you sort of find your way into things. And it's, I mean, it's an interesting pivot and, but it was always something that's always been there, but I was just really lucky, you know, I was really lucky to be able to have a, I think far more interesting second act, nothing against what I used to do with me is, but I think there's something far more fulfilling and far more important that I'm doing now than I was doing back then. Of course.
But you know, like it's, no, if I came in here today and I was still the 1990s version of myself and I came in, you know, wearing a Grinspoon t-shirt resin dogs, 28 days area seven, um, you know, there would be something incredibly tragic about that in some ways. So yeah, we all, we all hope we move on in some ways, but not in that really, you know, Tyson boring way where I've just, well, yeah. And that's what happens to people when, when, uh, when I'm doing a podcast at night at the moment and they go, you sure you don't want to come and have a little bit of a crack at TGP and I'm like, I don't think that's for me unless I can do the gardening show on a Saturday morning.
I think I could say that, but, um, yeah, I think people naturally get conservative and they get too deep into, well, you get too deep into what you're into, which I can do. It's because you usually have something worth conserving. So you become a conservative.
Yes. Yeah.
Like I'm surprised someone who's made as much money as Carl Sandilands hasn't become like a raging conservative cause he has a lot to lose, but uh, I guess the, uh, most importantly his ratings, the idea of, I mean, the idea of remaining progressive as you get older is a really interesting one. And I had this mate, Neil Clarahan, who's a fabulous architect and there was this thing in Melbourne where you get these really sort of progressive, you know, it's a strange Melbourne take is that you can have, and it's just cause it's such an old school, old school tie mentality. So he was a member of the Melbourne club, right? So it's a total Melbourne society. And he's this really progressive and interesting architect. And he used to drive this old car and he used to leave it at the front of the Melbourne club with his fake doctor on call sign. But that's where he got all his work from, hang out at Melbourne club, all that stuff.
And he used to swim every day and he was swimming well into his gosh, well into his late eighties. I think he died in his early nineties and he's only paranoia in life was that while he was swimming, he would die and no one would know who he was.
So at the age of 82, he went down to the local bong shop and he got his home phone number tattooed on his chest, said eight, seven, five, the landline. But what I found really fascinating to the conversation that came out from his wonderful daughter was talking to me about, you know, he would have been 91 or something when the gay marriage plebiscite was happening. And he had to go pretty deep as a 91 year old just to go, hang on a sec, how do I feel this conservative Melbourne, but also a modernist and a progressive person. And he just went, oh, I'm a, I'm a progressive person, so I'm going to say yes.
And so why does that get lost so much? And the older you get, the harder you have to hold onto that stuff.
And I know it seems sort of, might be a strange conversation for, for some of your younger audience to listen to this, but it's certainly would resonate with people when you're watching in mum and dad suddenly turn into something you can't recognize. So you're saying that he would support the North Richmond injecting room, but wouldn't want to live near it.
Yes, absolutely. And he has the means to move away from it. Yeah. It's like if, if they were, if they were going to put one under the Q young tennis club, he would be like, absolutely not. Yeah. I'd rather you just do it on the tennis court. Like the eighties again, people like that have the option now where they can just go to Mon Monique and say, we know that you agree with us because she, she's kind of the teal thing is just nailed that for the, for that particular archetype. The teal is just enough of both. Yeah.
So you just go, I feel like I'm doing something, doing the right thing by someone and myself and the kids will talk to me if I vote for this person. It's like if you're an alcoholic and you have a heaps normal, it's like, Oh yeah, kind of the people who they, the teal crew, you sort of, I quite liked seeing them in my neighborhood when it all happened, but I draw the line of having getting stuck, having too many conversations with them because you know, they, oh, they care. Oh yeah, that's good. Thanks for wearing the t-shirt. I waved at you when I drove past you, take my kids to school, but like I've got stuff to do now. Thanks for caring. You made a difference.
Let's move on. Yeah. I'm not overly interested in the fatten by-election that Stuart Roberts is now bowing out. Like the thing is it won't die and we're dealing with that now. We're in an interesting political climate. As we said before, we've got a generation of kids who probably won't grow conservative like their parents did because asset wise, they're not going to be able to go, you know, like for like with their parents. Do you reckon it's so asset driven? Yeah. I do think that. You start thinking, you get a bit nervous about these things. There's just going to be two classes in this country moving forward, the haves and the have nots.
I do want to talk to you about this because people care a lot about architecture when it's something they can touch and feel as well. You know, like anyone who I have met over the years who is that interested in it without being involved in it is usually someone who is employed in architect. You know what I mean? They've employed an architect on their own. That's the more suburban core architect and architecture. Someone who can who's enjoying that, you know, that art form is something of their own.
People come from around the world to look at architecture. People travel to look at architecture.
Yeah. Like they go to Barcelona and they go and look at all the Gaudi shit. Yeah, absolutely.
And then I mean, that that's very much a month for a lot of people who discover architecture is saying Gaudi. But how do you find interest like with architecture?
Some people can't afford to buy anything.
So like where's where's their skin in the game with it? Or do you think it's more of something to just walk past and marvel?
No, I mean, so our best domestic architecture in this country that came out and so the nine 1950s into the 1970s tracks alongside the rise of the middle class. And so this truly great so I was doing a show about, you know, motels a while ago and I was talking about the motels were part two of the Australian dream, which was you get to a point where, you know, say 1970s into the early 1980s, and even beyond, you know, the average Australian could find themselves they get the self a house, they got a Ford old see Falcon leg yet. And they get, you know, get mum gets a camera and then they go, you know, well, we've got a little, you know, Nance passed away, she left us a little bit of money. Let's go buy a block of land up the coast somewhere. And then we'll just a Luca dad will start slowly start stealing some materials from work and over time, you build a little place and you got a weekender part two of the strange room really common, right? That's gone forever. But from the sense is that, you know, the resentment of, you know, boomers, whatever for having that, but that's the way it was. And so really hard, and I keep thinking, we keep looking at what happens when you to a generation who feel like they can't own a house or whatever.
And so where does the architecture come into play? It's the models are broken. So one of the things that you know, this new series is looked at this is great development in Canberra. There's two of them. And they're done by this Sydney architect, Michael Dysart, and he's in his late 80s is still with us.
And one of them, you rammy village we feature, it's cooperative housing. So back in the 70s, and it was a bit easy, because the government would just give land away. But they all, instead of the developers taking the money that everyone puts in, and they buy a house, and they buy they put together, you know, this, there's 60 houses or something, but then they end up with a pool, they end up with a half court thing for kids, they end up with more green space than any other thing. And it works better today than probably any development that you will see. And it's means that you get better amenity for the same amount of money. So what, trying to get a more affordable housing is trickier, getting better housing for your buck is what's achievable at the moment.
But the models are all broken.
So if you start thinking about how do I get in, we have to rethink all of our housing. And this is where the architecture comes into play. So if your mom and dad's are thinking about how you're going to design a new house or existing house, if you adapt your house to have a granny flat, or your garage turns into something else, or into a, you turn your home off for your garage, half your garage becomes a home office or whatever it is that you do, you get a multi generational home, which means mom and dad can, you can, your family can stay in the big part of the house. Nana moves into the granny flat, the kids are in the granny flat at some stage, or your house becomes more adaptable.
And so there's small ways that people can say, well, this will work for me. But the density is the issue. So everyone's going to have to live in apartments, but most of our apartments are shit. Because they're made for developers and not people.
Everyone's the same. Yeah. You know, it doesn't matter what shitty bricks you put on the front and how many pizza ovens they put in there and oh, there's a gym and oh, maybe it's at the pool. The plan for every single one of them is the same. You go to your friend's place and apartments go, this looks exactly like my apartment.
Because that, that's what investors want, not what people want. There's something, there is something that's like almost like a blueprint, particularly New South Wales where you can do it without an engineer if you build it by certain parameters. I mean that is the shelters on the roadside, you know? You know, that's, and then also that when you drive past those apartments and there's, they're not set back from the road and that awful, that's, they're all failures in planning and everything, but there are going to be better ways of doing it. And that's where architecture has a role in creating better spaces. What architecture can't solve is cost of building, which is just ridiculous.
So that's, and that's a huge thing. So tell me, when you look at, when you look at, and it was a weird place to start this discussion of your new show, Designing a Legacy, to start with the culture wars into the teal movement and then into class disparity. But it's all, it's all really linked.
I mean, it's a bang, you know, like if you look at, you got, you got, you got governments who are just running away from social housing. Yeah. And that's like, it's, it's like if you're a government, you know, you're just trying to get some bang for buck. I mean, and they're so short sighted.
This is the biggest issue when it comes to affordable housing. The biggest issue is once you're in, you don't care anymore.
Yeah. That's the issue. And that's why it's there. It's a huge issue. This is great. This is really important. I mean, now I don't give a fuck. Yeah.
Like I'm in fuel, you know, it's going to cost me fortune. And there's a lack of generosity with that.
And so our, so talk about culture wars. There has been a, what, a 50 year war on the concept of social housing.
Yeah. We shaved it down from 9% of residences to three. Okay.
So like the first time I ever went to Melbourne was only a couple of years ago and coming in there on the highway, you just see those gargantuan buildings. And I was like, what the fuck are they?
And Clancy goes, that's, this is public housing. This is people in Melbourne can live in the middle of the city where if you go down to a place like Sydney, I mean, you'd have to be nigh on like earning like mid six figures to live anywhere near the city is the only city in the world, capital city in the world that doesn't have any social housing in the CBD and they sold it all off. And the idea of who's in social housing, and this is, this is the problem, right? Is that it's been, the houses have been, Oh, they're dole bludgers. And every, those people, it's key workers.
It's like, how do we, what do we do with our nurses? What do we do with our policemen? How do we have, how do our teachers, why do they have to be on a train for an hour and a half to teach our kids?
You know? Yeah. You know, it's, it is, it's an interesting, it's a completely bizarre and a very Australian thing.
You know, we do have heroes in Australia. Quite often they are people who will openly laugh about avoiding tax. You know, the Kerry Packers and the Paul Hogan's, they're our heroes. He wasn't avoiding it, Clancy, he was minimising it and you'll get your head ready if you don't do it yourself.
But that, you know, even New York would, they have that New York strong, the firemen, the cops, uh, the teachers, probably nurses, not so much after the pandemic, they copped a lot of flack, but they were always positioned into, you know, let's provide 17 year leases. Let's, uh, let's do rent control. And I guess with that, you know, you get buildings that are built for, to be looked at for, for centuries.
Can you tell me blonde brick? The blonde brick was a very Australian apartment block, right? In the nineties, you'd look at a blonde brick, not necessarily houses either just flats at the end of your street and you'd think they didn't have a very good rap. The old blonde brick, the blonde brick has aged beautifully.
Yeah. Have you ever seen anything in history? Like what we have now where we're looking at these things that are fucking merit and shit boxes. Well, have a look, are they ever going to become something that we look back on and Oh, that was an interesting, it's a really good question.
Um, some of them will be, some of them won't. Some of the better, the ones that most of them would get be knocked down.
Yeah. That's the thing about it. You got, you just this idea that you have, you know, 30 years time and someone will come and buy them and bulldoze them. Do it again.
There's this great story about, you know, this Danish architect comes out to Canberra and she's looking out the window at all the housing estates and he's just looking at the landscape and she just says, why, why are you building slums? And we just can't help ourselves. And we just, you know, I mean, surely they're not going to tear down the Herschel street Meritan in Brisbane. I mean, it's one of the tallest buildings we have in, I mean, they don't know what certain is we made better apartments a hundred years ago in some ways than we did today. If you look at things historically. Those high rises that you see in Flemington, when you get off the, you get off the plane and you come off the Tullamarine freeway in Melbourne, part of that final, you know, for a period of time, that final experiment with high rise social housing in Melbourne, when they were opened, if you're a kid under, I think it was 10, you weren't allowed to live in them because they didn't believe that apartment living was right for kids. So we've got this historical aversion to apartments.
And that comes back from the post-war period where you see people like Harry side, the building, these apartment blocks and thinking, well, that's what we've got in Europe. And they'd go, well, only poor people and foreigners live in flats. And so they were, they were, you live in a flat for a while and then you'd move into a house, you know, we, we sold the suburban dream. And so that up and ride, and that sits with us forever. And then, so now when we suddenly are forced and some people want to live in apartments and for lots of different reasons, they make sense for people, but there's still that baggage with how we make them because there's been no universal love of them.
Yeah. Okay.
So if you look at places in Sydney and Brisbane, you're looking those apartments from the 1930s, they're so livable. They're so beautiful. And they're always near train lines. They're always got great amenities. They're built with triple brick too, all those Art Deco ones, I mean.
And for the most part, you're right, they have been able to just insert Foxtel into them or in the end, they kind of. And so how do you, how do you suddenly say, well, how can we get things so wrong that we can't replicate?
Is that, is that a cost of construction thing? Is an Art Deco building expensive to build?
Oh, now it would blow your socks off. If you had to brick for brick do one.
Let's ask the guys, it's not a documentary. Let's face it, I'm not a building professional, but there's different ways. It's actually about the intent rather than, you know, there's more that you can still make things without them being, you know, triple brick. There's a whole bunch of ways that they'll save money to make a decent building, but it's sometimes just simply in the race to get in, you can get away with murder and people can knock up shitty apartments and people always buy them.
Swing a cat. You can't swing a cat in them.
And then, you know, that's, I want to ask if you've seen some sort of a Renaissance. I look at Brisbane, people bang on about this hotel in Brisbane, the Carlisle hotel. It's a luxury hotel in Brisbane.
It's going to be one of many, they're building heaps. It used to be a lot cheaper when it opened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It used to be a $200 a night hotel and now it's a $900 a night hotel. But there's a little bit of how that's built. It just looks nice.
There's a pool. People like being there. I mean, and Brisbane's doing this now leading into the Olympics. They're going to have a lot of places to stay in. I would have never imagined that a hotel would be a reason that people are flying to Brisbane, but it is. It's part of a cohesive design ethos in that whole region in James street, which is well thought out.
It's really beautiful and it responds to the climate. So when you walk out of your room, you're not walking into air conditioning. You're walking into curved archways where the breeze comes through and you can feel your embrace. And so you're not necessarily noticing that when you're there, but it is a reflection of whatever.
And also it says, because you know, the, the architects have basically said, you know, we, we, we're from this place and we are going to design design better buildings for our hometown. And that's what you get in that whole place. So when you're not, when there's planning and there's cohesiveness to design and it all works together, it's really quite something. Yeah. And so that's, that's like an A plus for me when it comes to, to what our inner city suburbs can look like. It's, it's effectively low density too. If you look at that as some to actually live with these horizons, you know, it's around the corners of shitty car yard and it's not perfect. And you go one block further and it's, you know, there's people living there and like Brisbane says, yeah, you're in the valley. It's a massive development. Like it's, it's a young city, you know, like it's, it's had to do a lot in a long period of time. And also it's a timber and tin city. Yeah. So when you, and when you make that jump, you know, it can, it can go from looking like PNG to Sydney in a block. And you know that you talk about heritage and holding onto things that are important, holding onto that sense of timber and tin in Brizzy is really important. Yeah. Cause there's, there's a great story to be told about that and those houses are just adorable.
I remember James street 10 years ago, there was actually a minor council, like a mini council called the James street initiative, which was every business agreed on, I don't know how the fuck they did this, but every business agreed to pay a levy. And that's what brought them their seafood and steak festivals that close off the street and do those kinds of stuff. And I think there has been something like that happening there for a while where they get some sort of consensus amongst everyone on the strip to avoid it turning into a Hastings street noosa, where you've got six billabong stores and 13 gelato shops, you know what I mean?
Oh God, you'd really want to see mum in a one-piece dripping on gelato. Camilla's got a big presence. Jaden. Yeah. Jaden and Camilla. Camilla dresses, those things.
I mean that's, that's, yeah. So you are a fan of the Queenslander, the traditional, the pre Carlisle Queensland architecture. I fell in love with Brisbane through its architecture cause it's, you know, it's those, it's because of its response to climate, which I think is really important. You know, we can. So tell me with the Queenslander.
It's not saying that they work stilts for the breeze underneath or for the slugs. Some people will tell you it works. You know, it's some people both the sense that also you can, that's when it's super hot and you can go on, go underneath them.
And so that gives you that extra element. But more important than all those things is that, yeah, you should be able to open them all up. And a lot of them didn't have much in terms of insulation. That's more of a problem than lifting them up, lifting them down. They need some bit, but all that stuff's been retrofitted in, but they just they're just incredibly important. In terms of the story of where people are from. And that's, I think that's, cause if you lose all those elements, what does it look like?
Yeah.
Any, any other city, Canberra suburb or, you know, it'll feel you could be in Singapore rather than Brisbane. I have noticed that when you drive through the suburbs of Queensland, you'll see every second house is one of those pointy ones that were big in the two thousands, you know, pointy rendered brick, which looks completely different to the Queensland next. Like there is absolutely no DNA shared between those two. I wouldn't say that an air conditioned building with a media room and a drive in garage. And then you've got the stilted Queenslander that's made from. Queensland does have a long history of both its state government and its councils being all above board.
And like you're unable to the team brothers, all with memories to. Grease wheels.
If you wanted to put a giant square box on your quarter acre block in Hawthorne, that's fine. You just had to pay someone at the council. Yeah, that's pretty. I mean, in terms of the city in Brisbane, it's yeah, what's been demolished, but you know, what's been replacing some of it's good, some of it's bad. But the interesting thing about those, you know, you got to, when you say there's a Queenslanders sitting next to us, so it's sort of rendered monstrosity. Maybe they're not a monstrosity. It's someone's home.
So let's remember that, which is important. But what drives a lot of that now is property price. So you'll see that what's scarring our suburbs everywhere in terms from a heritage point of view, particularly ones where the councils don't care. So you got a lot of say, interwar homes or post war homes going because you can put a dual lock on your one block. And you know, the project home companies will come in and you keep one for yourself and you sell the other one and then bang, or your kids take the other one. And I understand that. And so that's when housing affordability starts to crush the way our suburbs should look. And but if you're listening to this and you just want a house, you probably don't give a shit about whether or not you know something. So, you know, it just becomes sort of middle class, 50 year old, 50 plus year olds like me that care about this stuff. But we need to hold on to some of these buildings because they need to tell us a story in the future, because, you know, our history is really important. And the reasons that people love these historic suburbs is because people gave a shit back in the day and held on to them.
And Queensland's already lost the corner pubs. You know what I mean? That was a that was a heritage era. The corner pubs were turned into bottle shops and, you know, balconies removed and they were just turned into bottle shops. That was a law that was in place. And now you find Queensland is flying down to the rocks in Sydney or down into Fitzroy and doing historical hotel tours. It's like you had that all through Spring Hill. You had that all through New Farm in West End. I would trade every Harry side of the building just to get back every pub that Brisbane's lost. It's I had no idea that it was it was a law.
It was about it was actually when bottle shops first came to be. They said you can only own a bottle shop if you have a pub, because everyone was just going to turn us into a, you know, rum rebellion. And then they just said, well, these guys said, well, we're making more money selling cartons of piston than having to have a kitchen. So this whole thing and bottle shops.
Yeah. But you know, the hotel associations are this. Yeah.
And obviously, we've bought out every family that did that. So you'll rarely find many suburbs with a corner pub in Brisbane anymore.
But I want to talk to you about Art Deco, something that this is an entry point for a lot of people into architecture. It's easy to learn what that looks like. It's instantly recognisable, instantly recognisable. This is quite a baby steps for someone who is interested in design and they kind of start learning things before you start going down the brutalists and all these kind of things. The decorative nature of it is really appealing to people.
And it's so deeply steeped in the romance of Hollywood. Yeah. So the California bungalow. Well, if you look at, say, those early films that everyone saw. Yeah, they're all chock a block full of the beauty and the glory of Deco. And of course, they are also this leap forward, you know, this sort of modern thing going on where it's the precursor to what we call modernism now, which is it's steam trains, it's automobiles, all that thing. It's it's the 20th century. It's the new world. And that becomes really appealing to people. And now you look, I mean, it's you people look at that, those decorative elements. And it's just it's it pulls your heartstrings. And it's that's all it is to it. You know, like it did. There is something really incredibly beautiful to those moments, that the decorative moments of Art Deco.
We were up in Townsville just the other weekend and we saw pockets of it up there in the deep north. We looked it up to actually before you came in, what was that building? We drove past and it was the old Townsville Hospital was a pearler. And there's there's a lot of that. And apparently there's a lot of that throughout the north, which they believe came with the Italians when they made a bit of money in the cane fields. We had this thing at like some some like Wagga Wagga. It's chock a block full of Deco buildings. And most of them built in the 1950s, which is, you know, 30, 30 odd years, 30 odd years before, after.
Yeah. Right.
So that you think, oh, that's beautiful 1930s building, but actually it's a 1950s building, a 1960s building. So it took someone 30 years to get there or whatever. Yeah, that's part of the cost and in Wagga I guess. Yeah, I went to Wagga Wagga once, you know, like going back in time.
We went to La Paqueta's there, you know, the famous pizza chain. And it was a Saturday night, 7.30. And the woman comes out and said, I just let you know, you can have you can have anything on the menu apart from pizza. I don't know why, it's a joint.
We've run out of cheese. Just went, what? Of all the things she can run out of. In the Riverina too. Yeah, we went out of cheese.
Whose job was that? Jaden?
I love Wagga, but it's the food, it's the one regional place where the old food revolution didn't really catch on. The, um, yeah, that's why Steve Mortimer left, because the food I think. Yeah, that's why Wayne Carey left, he just couldn't handle the food. The grub.
Do you find any other pockets?
I remember in Queensland as a young boy hearing about Cooper's play in South Brisbane, there was a big Dutch German influence and that was ethnic Enclave related, there was not it's kind of they were not climate appropriate. They were damp though, but they were like those kind of mud brick type houses. There's a huge elements of that. So the post-war Jewish communities in Melbourne and Sydney, Bondi, St Kilda. Elsternwick. And those houses that the modernism was the architecture that they had experienced firsthand in Europe.
And so they came and then the architects with them, they would other Jewish architects would get them to commission their homes. And then you also have these amazing furniture too. So they'd all get these people, furniture makers, they'd get them to commission these great pieces of furniture to go in for inbuilt cabinetry.
So you get these great I call them super suburbs where you've got a a concentration of better architecture than elsewhere in the country. And it really is whoever's living there is what causes that. And then, of course, you get all sorts of things. And I think when it comes to the sort of snobbery and what a building should look like, everything is trumped by who's in that house. So I'm a big fan of laying judgment on people and how they live. And I was making my first series for the ABC. We're in like New South Wales, and we're doing a thing on what was, you know, colloquially called the classic walk mansions. And they basically, you know, read along, but you just take a brick veneer home and then just twist it a little bit with some columns and tiles tiles everywhere.
A couple of lines. Yeah. And olive trees. We were hoping Albanese would do it in caribou. We should. And, you know, and to be honest, those buildings should be full of fruit trees or they should be public spaces to be on one point.
But so, you know, you go to this funny old, it was a beautiful terrace house had been tiled within an inch of its life. The beautiful wooden windows and doors have been taken out with these crappy aluminium doors. And there's, you know, there's columns everywhere. And then you walk in on this sort of tile. You know, a bit of vinyl.
No, you're just still into the backyard, you know, through an arch. Arches are back though. There's a brick arch and then bang, a lemon tree.
There's basil everywhere. Big. There's just everything. And then you go inside and there's coffee and there's biscotti. And then you look, there's this looking at every photo of the pope fucking available. And you go, this is amazing. And it's so full of life.
And so and as a kid, when I moved to the city from the suburbs in Melbourne and I'm living in North Melbourne and then later on in Fitzroy, when you pass those houses with vines everywhere and fruit everywhere, they're the houses with action, with love and life. And so no matter what happens in terms of architecture and design and how that's not amazing design, they're the things that are important. So that trumps everything. And they're the houses that we all respond to. And now all you have is the same houses with all of that gone.
The door's been painted like lime green.
And there's just like a $2,000 pram out the front and a and a and a butler's pantry that's bigger than my bedroom growing up, you know, and they just become a thing. And everyone says, oh, you got to get a butler's pantry because you go off.
And this brings it back to the same thing as well. What happens with design is design becomes based on the tree resale.
Yeah, right. So the stone kitchen bench, that's that's that's killing a whole bunch. Yeah, the silicosis is not. Yeah.
The one we haven't really thought too much. But that was a big one for about 10 years.
Just get that. The Caesar stone, Caesar stone. And so those things bring back the chandelier. If you got it, I do. So that's if you talk about what's how, you know, the world changes, how we view things, the so you go to Perth and they love the bling even to this day in their architecture. There's no restraint in materiality.
And that's all part of that 1980s thing. So if you grew up with any of that, you saw that in Bondi's world. Bondi, yeah, right. And you think, you know, I don't know, I hate the 80s. I know that was stuff.
And then you do. You don't know. You just they just do it.
They can't help themselves. They cannot help themselves.
And then you see interiors today in this country, particularly. Everything's blingy and everything's showy because people decided during the pandemic that they wanted their houses to look like restaurants and bars. Really? Case in point. Go on to domain after this is done and look at the state of Peter Hellyer's house.
I mean, like he had that shit all over the fucking walls. I got lots coming off the roof. You got the salon hang. I can just pull baby. It's like, hey, I did this and killed a one.
No, it was that one. That was like all of us are like, how the fuck is a giant house? I think it was that that that one is sold in furniture galley out the back, the huge one. That's rove money. So you do you think that was a subconscious thing? Turning a house into a fucking restaurant? I everyone did it in the pandemic. I don't even I think it was just.
You look, everyone was looking around the house and then they felt that they needed somewhere safe to be. They want their friends around.
And it's so stupid because we know, you know, it lasts for a small period of time. But you'll be and then that will stay. So the reason for doing it's gone, it's fucked off completely. But for the next eight years, we will see this.
They will go, I really want that. Yeah, right. A chandelier or I want those gold things and I want those things.
And they won't even know why they're doing it.
So that has changed. So it used to be that, you know, if you did a bathroom, you'd get maybe seven or eight years of it looking really, really still modern. But now it's maybe two years, three years because it's the cycles change so quickly because of Instagram.
Yeah, it's like every pregnancy and Instagram. Like it's almost like every new build has this kind of door on it.
Oh, yeah. Like with the four horizontal windows. Yeah.
Sunshine Coast door. Every single very popular doors. Plus every house that's putting the doors plus people through privacy.
Well, no fuss. Tell me, what do you think is I mean, it is funny you say these moments as well, apart from these migration waves or these economic emancipation of an entire state, which created the bling factor in W.A. We also have these moments in time where it's like, you know, the pandemic. It was cycling Tracy up in Darwin. They had to build that whole city again. What did they do there? Well, then you end up with buildings that are safe. That are safe. Yeah. There was a survive. But you do see, you know, I mean, you lost a whole bunch of buildings. Yeah. It's only a small place, though. The Greeks made so much cash up there. But if you look at what totally defines what we do and this is what I believe anyway.
And what we do, how we build, how we behave is all based on, you know, what we think when you go to Bunnings right on the weekend and it's busy. Everyone goes to Bunnings. Everyone loves Bunnings. So what does that Bunnings really tell us about us?
It's more than just we like sausages. Extreme convenience. And we do. And then it's important that we have a crack at everything. And I mean, if we don't, you know, try to knock up a deck when we're not qualified, part of us dies and falls over as a country. But what it really signals to us is that we're addicted to change.
And so if I said to you, if you could go as a kid, could you go to the same restaurant you went to when you were 10 years old? And it looked the same. If it still existed, the answer would be unless it's maybe a Chinese restaurant. Probably the answer is no. Yeah. In Europe, in America, you can go to a restaurant that looks has looked the same for 100 years and I love it.
Not for us at all. And what drives that is our insecurity. So we've been constantly for the last 200 plus years trying to show the world that we're not a backward place. And so it's a cultural deficit.
Yeah. And we just we still have that gold rush kind of mentality that that, you know, like once that we're all trying to find something. Yeah.
And even at the say say even at the peak right of the gold rush in Melbourne. So Melbourne's the most modern city in the world. They've got the world exhibition going there. You know, they've got the exhibition building there. So they've got so there it's there. Everyone wants to be there. The focus on the world is in Melbourne, planned city, the most like amazing. And then they're getting this obscure role to come out to open up the exhibition buildings.
And then straight away, they get paranoid because we have awnings on all our buildings because of the climate. But they don't need them in Europe. And they go, oh, we don't want them to see that we've got awnings and everyone will think we're backwards.
So they picked up this obscure role from down on the docks and they removed all the awnings all the way up to the Windsor Hotel and then all the way up to the exhibition building. Clip clop clip clop didn't see any of the awnings.
And as soon as he left, they put them back up again. And we've been doing that ever since.
Like we still cannot feel that we are OK with our lot. And so there is nothing that destroys heritage in this country alongside greed other than insecurity.
Hello, it's me, Wendell Harsie, jumping in here quickly because Clancy Overall has peeled off to the RSL. Hope you enjoyed the chat. We're actually splitting it up into two parts. The executive decision was made. It's a longer interview this week. So tune in next Monday to hear part two. Talk to you then. Bye bye.
Well, now you look, I mean, it's you people look at that those decorative elements and it's just it pulls your heartstrings. And it's that's all it is to it. You know, like there is something really incredibly beautiful to those moments, the decorative moments of art deco.
We were up in Townsville just the other weekend, and we saw pockets of it up there in the deep north. We looked it up to actually before you came in, what was that building? We drove past and it was the old Townsville Hospital.
It's a pearler. And there's there's a lot of that. And apparently there's a lot of that throughout the north, which they believe came with the Italians when they made a bit of money in the cane fields. We had this thing at like some some are like Wagga Wagga.
It's chock a block full of art deco buildings. And most of them built in the 1950s, which is, you know, 30, 30 odd years, 30 odd years before, after. Yeah. So you think, oh, that's beautiful 1930s building. But actually it's a 1950s building, a 1960s building. So it took someone 30 years to get there or whatever. That's part of the cost.
And in Wagga, I guess they're always. I went to Wagga Wagga once, you know, it's like going back in time.
We went to La Paqueta's there, you know, the famous pizza chain. It's a Saturday night, 7.30. And the woman comes out and said, I'm just letting you know, you can have fun. You can have anything on the menu apart from pizza.
All right. So it's all right.
And so we want to run out of cheese. I was like, what? Of all the things she can run out of? In the Riverina. Yeah, cheese. Whose job was that? Jayden?
I love Wagga, but it's the food. It's the one regional place where the old food revolution didn't really catch. The yeah, that's why Steve Mortimer left, because the food. Yeah, that's why Wayne Carey left. He just couldn't handle the food, the grub.
Do you find any other pockets?
I remember in Queensland as a young boy hearing about Cooper's play in South Brisbane. There was a big Dutch German influence, and that was ethnic Enclave related.
There was not. It's kind of they were not climate appropriate. They were damp, though. But they were like those kind of mud brick type houses.
There's a huge elements of that. So the post-war Jewish communities in Melbourne and Sydney, Bondi, St Kilda, Elsternweg. And those houses that the modernism was the architecture that they had experienced firsthand in Europe. And so they came and then the architects with them, they would other Jewish architects would get them to commission their homes. And then you also these amazing furniture, too. So they'd all get these people, furniture makers, they'd get them to commission these great pieces of furniture to go in for inbuilt cabinetry. So you get these great I call them super suburbs where you've got a a concentration of better architecture than elsewhere in the country. And it really is whoever's living there is what causes that. And then, of course, you get all sorts of things.
And I think when it comes to the sort of snobbery and what a building should look like, everything is trumped by who's in that house. So I'm a big fan of laying judgment on people and how they live. And I was making my first series for the ABC. We're in like New South Wales, and we're doing a thing on what was, you know, colloquially called the classic walk mansions. And they basically, you know, I read along, but you just take a brick veneer home and then just twist it a little bit with some columns and tiles tiles everywhere.
Couple of lines. Yeah. And olive trees. We were hoping Albanese would do it in caribou. We should. You know, and to be honest, those buildings should be full of free trees or they should be public spaces to be on one point.
But so, you know, you go to this funny old, it was a beautiful terrace house had been tiled within an inch of its life. The beautiful wooden windows and doors have been taken out with these crappy aluminium doors. And there's, you know, there's columns everywhere. And then you walk in on this sort of tile. These vinyl vinyl.
No, you're just still into the backyard, you know, through an arch. We archers are back there. There's brick arch and then bang, lemon tree.
There's basil everywhere. Big. Yes, just everything. And then you go inside and there's coffee and there's biscotti. And then you look, there's this looking at every photo of the pope fucking amazing available. And you go, this is amazing. And it's so full of life.
And so and as a kid, when I moved to the city from the suburbs in Melbourne and I'm living in North Melbourne and then later on in Fitzroy, when you pass those houses with vines everywhere and fruit, they're the houses with action, with love and life. And so no matter what happens in terms of architecture and design and how that's not amazing design, they're the things that are important. So that trumps everything. And they're the houses that we all respond to. And now all you have is the same houses with all of that gone.
The door's been painted like lime green.
And there's just like a $2,000 pram out the front and a and a and a butler's pantry that's bigger than my bedroom growing up, you know, and they just become a thing. And everyone says, oh, you've got to get a butler's pantry because you go off.
And this brings it back to the same thing as well. What happens with design is design becomes based on the tree resale. Yeah, right. So the stone kitchen bench, that's that's that's killing a whole bunch. Yeah, it's like, oh, yeah, yeah.
The one we haven't really thought too much. But that was a big one for about 10 years.
Just get that the seeds of stone, say the stone. And so those things bring back the chandelier if you got to fuck, I do. So that's if you talk about what's how, you know, the world changes, how we view things, the so you go to Perth and they love the bling even to this day in their architecture. There's no restraint in materiality.
And that's all part of that 1980s thing. So if you grew up with any of that, you saw that in Bondi's world, Bondi. Yeah. And you think, you know, I hate the 80s. I know that was stuff.
And then you do. You don't know. You just they just do it.
They can't help themselves. They cannot help themselves.
And then you see interiors today in this country, particularly. Everything's blingy and everything's showy because people decided during the pandemic that they wanted their houses to look like restaurants and bars. Really, man, case in point, go on to domain after this is done and look at the state of Peter Hellyer's house.
I mean, like he had that shit all over the fucking walls. What's coming off the roof? You got the salon hang.
I can just. Oh, baby, it's like, hey, I did this and killed a one dog. No, it was that one. That was like all of us are like, how the fuck is a giant house? I think it was that that one is sold in furniture galley out the back, the huge one. That's rove money. So you do you think that was a subconscious thing, turning a house into a fucking restaurant? I everyone did it in the pandemic. I don't even I think it was just.
You look, everyone was looking around their house and then they felt that they needed somewhere safe to be. They want their friends around.
And it's so stupid because, you know, you know, it lasts for a small period of time. But you'll be and then that will stay. So the reason for doing it's gone. It's fucked off completely. But for the next eight years, we will see this.
Yeah, I really want that. Yeah, right. A chandelier or I want those gold things and I want those things.
And they won't even know why they're doing it.
So that has changed. So it used to be that, you know, if you did a bathroom, you'd get maybe seven or eight years of it looking really, really still modern. But now it's maybe two years, three years because it's the cycles change so quickly because of Instagram. Yeah, it's like every pregnancy and Instagram.
Like, it's almost like every new build has this kind of door on it. Oh, yeah, we like that with the four horizontal windows. Yeah, Sunshine Coast door. Every very, very popular doors. Plus every house. That's putting the doors plus people through privacy.
Well, it's not no fuss. Tell me, what do you think is I mean, it is funny that you say these moments as well, apart from these migration waves or these economic emancipation of an entire state, which created the bling factor in WA. We also have these moments in time where it was like, you know, the pandemic, you were cycling Tracy up in Darwin.
They had to build that whole city again. What did they do there? Well, then you end up just with buildings that are safe, safe. Yeah, there was a survive. But you do say, you know, I mean, you lost a whole bunch of buildings. Yeah, it's only a small place, though. The Greeks made so much cash up there.
But if you look at what totally defines what we do and this is what I believe anyway. And what we do, how we build, how we behave is all based on, you know, what we think when you go to Bunnings right on the weekend and it's busy. Everyone goes to Bunnings, everyone loves Bunnings. So what does that Bunnings really tell us about us? It's more than just we like sausages, extreme convenience.
And we do. And then it's important that we have a crack at everything. And I mean, if we don't, you know, try to knock up a deck when we're not qualified, part of us dies and falls over as a country. But what it really signals to us is that we're addicted to change.
And so if I said to you, if you could go as a kid, could you go to the same restaurant you went to when you were 10 years old? And it looked the same if it still existed. The answer would be, unless it's maybe a Chinese restaurant, probably answer is no. Yeah. In Europe and America, you can go to a restaurant that looks has looked the same for 100 years and I love it.
Not for us at all. And what drives that is our insecurity. So we've been constantly for the last 200 plus years trying to show the world that we're not a backward place. And so it's a cultural deficit. And we just we still have that gold rush kind of mentality so that, you know, like once that we're all trying to find something.
Yeah. And even at the so to say, say the even at the peak, right, of the gold rush in Melbourne. So Melbourne's the most modern city in the world. They've got the world exhibition going there. You know, they've got the exhibition building there. So they've got so there it's there. Everyone wants to be there. The focus on the world is in Melbourne, planned city, the most like amazing.
And then they're getting this obscure role to come out to open up the exhibition buildings and then straight away they get paranoid because we have awnings on all our buildings because of the climate. But they don't need them in Europe. And they go, oh, we don't want them to see that we've got awnings and everyone will think we're backwards. So they picked up this obscure role from down on the docks and they removed all the awnings all the way up to the Windsor Hotel and then all the way up to the exhibition building. Clip clop, clip clop. Didn't see any of the awnings.
And as soon as he left, they put them back up again. And we've been doing that ever since.
Like we still cannot feel that we are OK with our lot. And so there is nothing that destroys heritage in this country alongside greed other than insecurity.
Hello, it's me, Wendell Harsie, jumping in here quickly because Clancy Overall has peeled off to the RSL. Hope you enjoyed the chat. We're actually splitting it up into two parts. The executive decision was made. It's a longer interview this week. So tune in next Monday to hear part two. Talk to you then. Bye bye. |
dropout | hardly_working_business_time | Shame I couldn't see you at the gym on Saturday. 6am too early for you? Not quite. 18 holes with Ricky. Then drinks afterwards at the 19th tee, batted around some ideas. Shame you couldn't make it. I thought Ricky was in Spain this weekend.
Let's see. Let's do Bama Sayi. Then at the games. Again. Docksuking. And that's three minutes.
Gentlemen, I have thoroughly enjoyed this casual encounter with you. Perhaps we can meet after the designated working hours in a more social setting. Say 6.01pm at the public house across the boulevard. Actually, we have plans of the mirror later. Excuse me, I don't normally eat my lunch in front of other people.
Vitamins are a sign of weakness. Not a vitamin. Dehydrated codfish liver oil.
It's what keeps me six feet and you five eleven and a half. Five eleven and three quarters. Newspaper headlines, podcasts, RSS feeds. I learn more in a minute than you will in an hour. Over the course of the year, that translates to me intellectually laughing you 756,900 times. Don't bother punching the numbers. I already have.
Funerals. Weddings.
That's where promotions happen. Vertical lines command respect. They say, I don't want your job. I want your boss's job. And you know what? I'm gonna get it. I am your boss. WWWBD. What would Warren Buffett do? I kneel down every night at the altar of success. And you know what?
It is good. I don't get sick. Yes, you do. I haven't sneezed since the third grade. What's my secret? Hmm. Positive thinking. Zinc supplements. Not vitamins. There's a difference.
Did I mention I have season tickets to the Lakers? Tune in tonight and check out those four empty seats next to Jack. They've gotten me farther than four years at business school. Watch where you're going, man. I am watching. Straight to the top.
Goodnight, sir.
Real original. Missed the spot. |
CrackerMilk | off_to_hogwarts_crackermilk_podcast_episode_7 | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of our favorite show to do and your least favorite show to watch. Here we have Tom Griffiths. Hello, this is a podcast that we're doing.
Hey, I still have the floor and it's going to be really good. How you doing? How y'all doing tonight? Elias De Wedge. Hey, I still have the floor. How y'all doing tonight?
Yeah. Thanks for coming along. We've got a great show lined up. Over here we have Elias. Elias De Wedge. Hey guys. I'm here tonight with a bunch of great people, um, and great people in the audience as well. I just want to thank you all in the audience and especially thank Tom, uh, for... And, and... Hey, hey, hey.
I still have the floor, I wasn't finished. I've taken the floor. And we have Goo. Aw, thanks kind stranger for the gulp.
Get rid of him. Get the fuck out. Get off the fucking floor. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of here.
This is our floor. I've gotten those train tickets. Where to? We're going on a surprise holiday. Do you have the tickets with you? Yes, I do. And we just have to head to platform...
9 and 3 quarters? Platform 9 and 3 quarters. But that doesn't exist. Platform 9 and 3, it's not a real platform.
Oh wait, it's a Harry Potter reference because we are going to Hogwarts.
What happened to your voice then? Sorry?
There's like a big stone pillar here and I just saw some small cunt run through it. He had red hair. And there were lots more with red hair.
Let's fucking get him. Let's fucking kill him. Let's get that fucking ranger. Let's get him.
Go! Alright guys, let's go. Yeah, let's go. Woo! Get in there.
Holy shit. It's a magic train station. Wow. Platform 9 and 3 quarters was a magic train station to another plane.
It's full of rangers. Full of fucking rangers.
I can't deal with this. I don't even know which one to bash first. It's just so... Full of red headed cunts. We have to fucking kill.
Hello.
I'm Ginny Weasley. Ginny? My name's Ginny Weasley. Hey, Ginny.
What colour's your hair? My hair's red.
I agree, we should fuck her up. What?
Have you guys seen that boy I like? Harry Potter. I want Harry to eat my chain. I'm just looking behind this pillar. Oh look, it's Harry Potter. Oh hey guys, I'm Harry Potter. Harry, it's so good to see you. Yeah, what's up? Come and eat my chain, Harry Potter. Uh, can you get this one away from me please? Harry, come here. Come here. Hey, Ginny.
Yeah. You see how... It's Guinevere. Hey, Guinevere. You see how that line there, that yellow line says do not cross? Yeah. The one right next to the train line? Yeah. On that platform? Yeah. Okay, can you stand next to that for a sec?
Alright, I don't... Oh, I pushed her off. Hey guys, sorry guys.
I'm just getting a drink in the wizard bar. It's me, Connor. Oh, the train's here and there's a little dead redhead girl. And Harry's here. Yeah, I'm Harry Potter. Oh hey, Harry Potter. How's it going? Yeah, good.
Fuck you, nerd. Whoa. Nice glasses, nerd. You fucking nerd. Thanks, bitch.
I also have a scar because I've seen some shit. Show me your scar. Nice scar, dude.
Thanks, dude. Wow. Wait, how'd you get that? Got a fucking stab by some cunt in the subway.
In the head? In the head. Harry Potter, do you have brain damage there?
Yeah. Alright. Fuck this cunt. Let's get on the train. Let's get the Hogwarts, please. Oh hey, guys. Quick. Let's leave Harry here. We're getting the fuck out of here. Yeah, fuck Harry. He's a cunt. Let's get on the train.
Oh my God. This train's sick, man. Man, I'm so hungry. Oh man, I cannot wait to get some food. I want some Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. Hello, boys. It's me.
It's the Stuttering Trolley Lady. The Stuttering Trolley Lady.
I have lollies. I don't know if this is allowed, but my parents were killed in a terrible, terrible accident where they were murdered by me. And I inherited all their money. And I, for my friends, Tom and Elias, I would just like to buy the lot.
Oh, certainly. Do you have a wizard name? I mean, a name? Yep.
It's Hamrani. Hamrani? Yes. Here you are, Hamrani.
Thank you so much. Wow. Whoa, guys. Look, I got us all jelly cups. Dude, that is amazing. Isn't that delicious? Hell yeah. These are magical jelly cups because when you slurp one, you become a famous Harry Potter character. Wowee.
Let me try one. Okay, you have one. Can I try one? You have this orange one because I want the pink one.
All right, boys. Let's see who we become. Bottoms up. Yeah. Cheers.
I don't eat sugar, so I'll still put this here.
Guys, something's happening to my voice. Hello. It's me. Moaning Metal. Do you want to hear me moan? Oh my God, and who do we have here? I'm Dobby the house elf. Oh, it's Dobby. Hello. Hello, Dobby. Hey, Moaning Metal. We're on the same voice register. I'm Draco Malfoy. Oh. Hello. Draco. I'm in Slithery.
I think I've seen your father in the bathroom sometimes. Yes, my father will hear about this one. Your father, he hurt me. Father, fetch me my wand, father. My magic wand is here, and Dobby, you have been quite the little fuckhead.
Hey, Elias, dude. Yeah, what's up?
We've got to go check out the sorting hat. We've got to find out what house we're in. Yeah, fuck yeah. I've been so excited to see the sorting hat. Yeah, holy fuck. And holy shit, look, it's McGonagall putting everyone in the sorting hat.
Hey, McGonagall. I heard from a student older than us, a previous student, that McGonagall actually slipped down some stairs and suffered severe brain injury. Spine and brain.
There's a troll in the dungeon. No, there's no troll. There's a troll.
That was years ago. They killed the little boy.
Can you wheel McGonagall out, please? I'm Albus Dumbledore. Wow. Master. And I am the headmaster of this tight little school. And my sorting hat is gaping with excitement to put you into a house. Oh.
Albus, that gets Moaning Myrtle excited. Oh, hello Moaning Myrtle.
Do you miss me, Albus? You haven't come to the bathrooms in a while. I missed when you and the other staff would run a train on me.
Well there, young man. That's how I got my name. I think Albus is a pedophile. I am protected by the Catholic Church.
Okay, are you ready to put your names into the goblet of fire? Yes. Can you just come over here, Harry Potter? Yeah, I'll come over there. For one moment.
Don't do it, Harry. You shot your dirty little whore mouth. You'll end up like me, Harry. Fucked in the toilet by 20 staff. What's that? I'm Goblet of Fire Dumbledore. Will you put your fucking name in the goblet of fire? Will you put your fucking name in that fucking goblet? You little cunt.
Four minutes. Four minutes left.
There's a spider in the forest. McGonagall has just told us that there are spiders lurking in the forest. And you must venture in there to definitely not get raped and killed by all of them. Aragog. Aragog and fire. Alright gang, let's go get the spider. I've seen Voldemort in that forest before. Get the fuck in there, we don't have enough time. We're in the forest now for time constraints. There's a lot of spiders. It's real spiders.
Web me. Who do you want to shout out on our Discord? Soh. That's just horse backwards. You can't keep shouting out horse. McGonagall wants to shout out. Ping. I'm McGonagall. Thanks for watching, pug. Koss. Is this character offensive? |
SaturdayNightLive | towel_guys_snl | And they looking, man. they looking, they looking. And then somehow, they find Nemo. No, man. that's crazy, man. it's a big ocean and like a small little fish. I know, man. they got lucky, man. what can I say? they got lucky.
Hey, can I get a towel? Hey, yes, one more. Hey, you American? I am, yeah. yeah.
Ellen The Manamis. What? you know, the Tv lady, Ellen The Manamis. She always come out dancing. you know what I mean? like, Ellen The Manamis. Ellen The Manamis. Ellen The Manamis, you know. um, okay. you don't know Ellen The Manamis? she's married to the car, the Porsche. I think she's funny, man. Yeah, Ellen Degeneres. can I please have my towel? of course, no problem. here.
Okay, that took way too long. I'm talking way too long.
Hey, you know, last night, I saw this movie, Mission Impossible. Okay. but The Mission Not Impossible because he's going to do it. they should call that mission. he probably going to do it. What's up, fellas? can I get a towel, por favor? Oh, my friend is on the door. There you go. you know, I had to show you a little taste. Yeah. you American? Yeah, I'm from New Jersey.
Tony Soprano. Give me a cannoli. Give me a cannoli. give me a cannoli or I'm going to drown you. One thing about Tony, man, you don't give him his cannoli, he going to drown you, man. And that's easy for him because he's strong.
No, no, she's not here. she's not here, man. Well, I just want to take in one of my two favorite towel guys. Hey, question for you, man. is it true that you're trying to replace us with a machine? No, no, no. I would never do that. No. could you please? Yeah, man, because then we can do different job in the hotel. you know, I want to fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. So for the first wipe, he's crazy. Yeah. I want to be the concierge, you know? I get a map, and then I circle things on the map, and then I say, you can go down. Well, as William Shakespeare once said, the very substance of the ambition is merely a shadow of a dream. excuse me. I've been waiting 15 minutes for my umbrella. Ah, sorry. I don't speak English. you guys want to know a secret? mm-hmm. I do speak English. Oh, man, you crazy, man. you got a new man. I see him later, man.
Oh, my God.
What? Mama, sit down. two o'clock. No. hey, can we get a couple of towels? Oh, yes, of course. it's a one for the old little mermaid and one for the new little mermaid. Okay.
And that song is from Aladdin. Yeah, Aladdin. Aladdin? Like Aladdin?
Climb on the ladder. Climb On the ladder.
Man, I'm having the time of my life down here in Bunta Cana. Oh, that's nice. that's great. yeah, I love the way y'all be playing with the plantain. I didn't think I was going to like it, but now I'm like, banana for dinner? Okay. yeah, man, you know who you sound like? you sound like the furry gum. Oh, yeah. the guy who can't find Yanny. you know, his brain don't reach his leg, so he can run forever.
Hey, I just want to thank you, fellas, for all your help today. do y'all mind if I give you a little something for your trouble? Oh, yeah, it's okay. we accept tips, puppy. I'll do you one better than a tip. How about a prayer? Here we go. Lord, please protect these wonderful Dominican gentlemen from the harsh rays of the sun, Lord. that's nice. I wanted the money, puppy. please, Lord, this morning, please put a cool, fresh breeze in their hearts, Lord. that's good. the money will be better, man. And, Lord, protect them from all evil in Jesus' name, Amen. All right, all right. thank you very much. you know, Jesus is good. |
dropout | after_four_sneezes_the_world_turns_against_you | Thank you. Bless you. Thank you. Bless you again. Thank you.
Okay, enough already. You heard that?
Oh yeah, these are just cosmetic. They make my head look thinner.
All right, shut up, Cynthia. We're on a deadline, so. I can't help it. You're not getting any more of our blessings. Allergy. You're a complete distraction. Stop it. One more.
Okay.
One more. Okay. One more. Okay. One more. Oh.
Pineapple pineapple pineapple. It works. ahhh! Get her guys!
Oh, you think you can just sneeze more than four times in an office in our office? Friends, I've stopped. I stopped sneezing! We'll see about that. It won't stop her from sneezing, but it will be annoying more. haha Finisher ahhhhh ugh see ya later he's high running aww sorry who's there I only hear laughter and sneezes from my office I haven't heard any laughter today. It's involuntary. One, two sneezes short.
Three, four, frowned upon. After that, you were just a terrorist to goodwill and productivity.
Hey! Someone microwaving fish. Oh yeah, that was me. Sorry, guys. Get him. Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And now for a wipe breakdown. Star wipe. Diamond wipe. Venetian wipe.
Iris. |
TheOnion | Boy_Loses_Leg_In_Totally_Awesome_Shark_Attack | 12-year-old Jared Gilchrist was surfing off the coast of Florida last August when he was attacked by a shark that took his leg. Jared is here with us in the studio to discuss his harrowing story this morning.
Thanks for being with us, big guy. Thanks. This is tight. Yeah. Now, Jared, set it up for us. You were out there in the water on your surfboard. Yeah. I was just paddling out, and the first thing I saw was this shark fin like three feet away. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.
It was awesome. So I tried to grab its fin so I could ride it around or something, but then it slammed my board, and I did this crazy flip thing right into the water. What was going through your mind when you first realized that you were there with a shark all alone in open water? It felt like a total badass.
But it wasn't over, was it? No.
It swam back over, and I tried to punch it in the face. Oh, they say that if you punch a shark in the nose, it'll go away. I just thought it'd be pretty funny, you know, punching a shark in the face.
But it bit into my leg and started shaking it back and forth, and at that point, I just felt, yes, this is sweet. I can't imagine what it would have been like to see the teeth sinking into your leg like that. It was sick. At one point, I just saw my leg just floating there in the water. It was awesome. And then once I got to shore, everyone started grabbing me, and they were trying to throw me in this ambulance, and I was just like, watch your hands, pervs.
Okay. We're joined now via satellite by Dr. Brian Caddy, who treated Jared at the hospital. Dr. Caddy, what condition was Jared's leg in when you first saw him? Good morning, Jim and Tracy.
It was in pretty rough shape. The shark had scissored through the muscle, and it was all just like hanging off the bone. It was nuts. Yeah, I kept touching it. It was slimy as hell. Yeah, totally. It was insane.
Well, doctor, how do you deal with something like this? Well, you know, you're never fully prepared for an injury this freaking cool. We just tried to stop the blood loss, and we took a bunch of photos because it's hysterical to freak out the nurses with gnarly shit like this. And then, Jared, they had to amputate your leg.
Isn't that right? Yes.
I want to stay awake for that part. This one doctor's freaking out. He was like, we've got to put you under. We're going to get in trouble. Dude needs to get some balls. Yeah, I don't know what that guy was, his deal was. Sorry, Jay.
Well, Jared, we have a very special surprise for you here this morning. The Today Now team wanted to help you in your recovery by getting you this wicked prosthesis. And now if you ever get tired of showing off your awesome stump, you can put on this peg leg and hop around like some bad as hell pirate. Well, this is nasty. That is nice. Jared, Dr. Caddy, thanks for being with us this morning. |
dropout | hardly_working_go_karts | Alright, so it's settled. I have the biggest binder. Nobody said you didn't, Josh. The point is that everybody needs to be mindful of what's what in the company.
It's like a race. It's like a go-kart race. Whoever plans a steady course wins.
Sir, your words have moved me. If you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go outside and do some serious thinking. This is the best day of my life!
So again, the restrooms are for number ones only.
Dude. What was I talking about, go-karts? That was half an hour ago. Really? I was thinking so fast, it was really safe to check my watch. You were at the go-kart track, weren't you? Baby. We take this outside. Everything is wonderful now!
It's gonna be hard losing somebody we hardly know. What did we miss? David's really sick. He had a resign. I'm gonna miss you all so, so much.
Whoo-hoo! There's no reason one staple can't do the job with two. Come on, guys. That was incredible. Okay, I know what you guys have been doing. And I'm telling Streeter. Streeter? Oh, what the butt! Dude, what are you doing in here?
Everyone's ditching the meeting to go ride go-karts. Wait, really? Go-karts?
Yes. Come on. Okay. Well, let me try one more time.
You're an idiot. No! Oh, hey, you guys skipped the meeting, too.
Meeting? No, we've been coming here every Tuesday for the last six years. Morning, Daniel. How's the track today? Oh, hey, Mr. Vincent. There's a little bumpy back in the fourth turn. If you have to be late, don't be late. How was the track? What? Come clean. You two were go-karting and you're fucking knowing. Hey, what's going on down there? Where have you guys been?
Fire!
We have to back you up the middle of it, now! Oh, my God. This is the greatest day ever. Great line, Jeff. Fine? |
CrackerMilk | the_state_of_youtube | Yeah, I've just been going outside, getting some sun, I've been feeling really good. I'm really pleased to hear you say that. You have been coming to see me for about three months now, your energy is in a really good place. You know, you've quit cracker milk, and you've quit drinking paint, and I think those two things have helped you immensely. Yeah, I think this is the first time where I've actually felt happy.
Yeah, and look, YouTube is not a good place for a career, okay?
It's so volatile, and they've just upped their prices. An extra $7 a month. What? YouTube Premium, it's almost doubled in price.
Do they add anything extra? Literally nothing new. It's the same price as a very expensive, high-end streaming service. Okay.
And I couldn't believe all your content that's getting stolen. I mean millions and millions of views just completely ripped off of cracker milk. Really? It's almost embarrassing that you guys are so close to a million subscribers, and you barely make ends meet.
I think I'm going to fucking relapse.
We've got to talk about YouTube's price increase. You're telling me they're almost doubling the price of YouTube Premium?
Dude, did you just shit yourself? Are you okay? I'll be fine.
YouTube, man, what the fuck are you doing? None of the creators see any of that money. It just goes to them. Big shots up a big old red play button YouTube. Let's look at the data of how much YouTube is making. Look at that. That's trillions of dollars going straight into YouTube's big fat asshole.
Here's the fucking thing, guys. Not only is our stuff getting stolen and demonetized and all of that shit, but now YouTube is fucking you guys in the ass. They're bending you guys over and you're getting one of these ones. We've had to deal with that, and now you guys are having to deal with that. Here's an idea.
Instead of you paying YouTube, why don't you head on over to our Patreon? Two dollars a month is all we're asking.
It's just like a cup of coffee a month. That's pretty cool. That's great coffee.
What is in that? What is that? Coffee. What's that? What is that? Nothing.
Oh, man. I feel so much better.
What I'm going to tell you to do is definitely go on over to our Patreon because we've got some exclusive content over there because we're done with trying to put some stuff on YouTube that is definitely going to get demonetized and stuff. We're just going to chuck some content straight up on there for you guys over on Patreon.
I'm craving up a little bit. Dude, go throw that paint up. It's toxic. Go throw it up.
Oh, man, guys, that was a great idea. I feel so much better.
Did you drink more paint? I swear to you on my fucking life, I did not drink any more paint.
We've hit rock bottom. Look at Kota. He's fucked now.
And Tamara? Dude, who even fucking knows what she's doing anymore, man? Did you just shit again? And I love it and I love drinking paint and shit in my pants and there's that fucking guy again. What the fuck?
Don't hit them. |
dropout | Spaghetti_Shack_Shakes_Up_Galleria_No_Laugh_Newsroom_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm June Bloom. And I'm Carl Candy. I live in a house made of sugar.
Well, it's official. The Galleria is getting a spaghetti shack.
Oh my, oh my. Oh my, indeed.
The popular chain of sit-down Italian restaurants is opening its first location in town. I, for one, couldn't be happier. I'm nuts for noodles. Haha, I'll bet.
Slurp. That's me with noodles. Tomato sauce, Alfredo sauce. Pesto? I don't know what that is. I'm surprised. I eat linguine, I eat penne, ravioli, papa, give me more. Slurp, slurp, dummies, all day and night.
Not me. I'm known for my sweet tooth. That's why I changed my name from Francis Peach to Carl Candy and my coat is made of licorice.
The spaghetti shack features hot wine and very limited breadsticks. It opens on a Tuesday for some reason. Uh oh, now I'm thinking pasta and I'm down a hole. All great cheese right into my trash mouth. That's how much I love the hot pee. That's me. We've got full team coverage of this mid-sized restaurant opening in the vicinity.
Let's go now to Lamy Adams who is at the mall. Lamy, what are you learning?
Carl, I've got to tell you, the atmosphere of the Galleria is electric as people wait to get their big bellies filled with Italian. One woman told me about her first experience with olives and she was so happy she started to cry.
Another had composed a song about marinara. Oh, that sounds nice. Would you sing a little bit of it, lady? Of course, June. I'll start singing the song exactly as it was written right now. Ama mia marinara, tomato cook a long time. That was just a small part of that song. The rest of it will infringe on copyrights. Your voice is beautiful, Lamy. Keep singing, keep singing.
Okay, hope the lawyers are good. Ooh, soak it long and cook it down and boil it down till it's thick and put it on the pizza. Put it on the pasta, swirl it around, make sure you get the spaghetti water. The premise of this show is that things are written down and when they're not written down, it gets way funnier.
Beautiful, beautiful. I met the chef and he's too tall to be good at his job, sadly. Back to you in the studio. Thanks, Lamy.
Tropical storm goose still has us in its sights. Scary stuff. All that rain will melt my sugar house. I have a chimney made of peppermint and a nougat furnace. I'm quite mad. You could use that water to make pasta, though. I'm licking my chops over here, all of them. For more of the storm, here's Ricky Nudes. Thanks.
Well, tropical storm goose is expected to make a landfall in the next 72 hours. The storm, of course, is named for Susan Goose, a goose named Susan who wears rain boots. Susan Goose lives in Ontario and she flies south for the winter.
She has a laid back attitude that she attributes to her medical marijuana. Her husband, Bruce Goose, wishes she'd quit smoking so much, but Susan is an adult goose and she gets to make up her own mind and Bruce loves her flaws and all. They have a very mature relationship.
They're both geese. Sometimes Susan wears an ACDC t-shirt. She's worried about her retirement savings. She's a water bird. This is a real goose we're talking about, not a human named Susan Goose. She's tall for a goose. She hates scary movies. She has a patch of gray in her feathers. She's always quacking. What a goose.
She has no idea why a tropical storm would be named after her. When I reached out for comment, an official from the National Weather Service told me, your facts are wrong, the storm is named Diane.
Back to you, June. Thanks, Ricky. Thank you, Ricky.
Diabetes isn't real. Wow.
That's all for us, but on a personal note, this week's loser is a two-way tie between Kimia and Tao. Congratulations to them. Have a lovely night, everyone.
I'm Ricky Nudes. Send nudes.
Wow, a tie. First ever. |
dropout | dangerous_wands | In the worst wizard school around, she was the last person they expected to see. Dumbledore's army? A letter from the Minister of Magic? You could teach at any magic school in England, Miss Granger.
Why here? Because there are some problems you can't fix with a Reparo charm. Two newts says you'll be an inferious in a week. Hm. Make that a galleon and you're on. In a place where no one seemed to care. Now, if everyone would just open their spell books. Yup. Spell books? Miss, where do you think you at? Hogwarts? Damn, we only got one hippogriff. What the hell is this? It's only two ways out of here. Jumping on a broomstick or dark magic. I look like pro-quidditch material to you. From the people who brought you Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and menace to society.
If you can dance, you can cast spells. If you can rap, you can cast spells.
Oh God. Let's get them to pass the owls. After that, they're not a problem. There are 20 good wizards and witches in there who deserve to be more than someone's problem. You stay away from my kids. They my kids now. You can cast a cruciatus curse and we both walk out of here losers.
My father's in Azkaban. My brother's in Azkaban.
What makes you think I have a choice? What makes you think you don't? Sometimes the best defense against the dark arts is to care. |
TheOnion | Report_70_Percent_Of_All_Praise_Sarcastic | When someone tells you, good job, do they really mean it? A new study by UCLA says no. It found that as much as 70% of all praise is sarcastic. At UCLA, Dr. Willis Jensen headed the study. Sadly, we found that individuals received sarcastic praise at just a moment when they needed encouragement. For instance, if they dropped something, had fallen, or suffered some form of humiliation. Linguistic researchers estimate that it's the short congratulatory phrases like smooth move or nice one Einstein that are used sarcastically most of the time. Longer compliments like so glad you could join us and you always know just how to fix everything are only genuine about half the time. The real victims here are the hotshots, the champs, those who are truly graceful and deserving of an encore. Their status is now in question. Dr. Jensen said a number of small but important indicators can help determine if praise is heartfelt. If the praise is accompanied by eye-rolling, slow-measured clapping, or starts with the word ooh, it is sarcastic.
And when we continue, 62 people are dead after a real-life hungry, hungry hippo devours a boat full of tourists. We'll have team coverage. |
TheOnion | Live_From_Congress_The_Skull_Fucking_Bill_Of_2007 | Thank you Madam Speaker. I rise today to introduce the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007, mandating a minimum five-year prison term for the offense of ocular penetration, commonly known as skull-fucking. I don't have to quote statistics for you. We've all heard the stories on the news.
Every single day another grandmother is skull-fucked in front of her apartment building by street thugs while her neighbors do nothing. Another small-town shop owner blind after being skull-fucked by two gang members simultaneously.
Another once promising honor roll student who can no longer remember fractions because human ejaculate has damaged his brain. And we've all heard the excuses. Skull-fucking is a problem but we just don't have the resources to stop it. Police and prosecutors are busy enough already without having to investigate every time some misguided youth rips out a lady's eyeball and has sexual intercourse with the empty socket. Well, I for one am sick of excuses. I'm sick of skull-fucking.
The Ocular Penetration Restriction Act has three primary components aimed at reducing levels of skull-fucking across the nation. Number one, mandatory prison sentences for convicted skull-fuckers. Number two, increased police presence in high-risk skull-fuck areas. And number three, community-oriented faith-based programs to stop our children from skull-fucking before they get started. With this three-pronged approach we are treating the skull-fucking epidemic on all fronts. The Ocular Penetration Restriction Act will send a clear message to all those engaged in skull-fucking.
You will face repercussions. We will no longer stand by as criminals defile our parks, our city streets, our very communities by repeatedly thrusting their penises into the eye cavities of innocent Americans or their lifeless corpses and then fucking them over and over and over. This legislation will stop these crimes before they start. As the saying goes, nobody is born a skull-fucker. I only hope for the day when nobody becomes a skull-fucker. In closing let me say this, if we do not open our eyes to reality soon they will get fucked right out of our heads. |
ClickHole | don_t_understand_bitcoin_this_man_will_mumble_an_explanation_at_you | What is Bitcoin? Bitcoin is a peer-to-peer digital currency that's anonymous and is decentralized. It's like being able to teleport money to anyone else across the world. No, I think it's actually being teleported. It's a way of making millions of computers to track each and every bitcoin on a public ledger called the blockchain. When you want to send someone a bitcoin, you've probably announced that your account is sending a bitcoin to the recipient's account.
Since the leverage is a public record, everyone knows that bitcoins are associated and prevents anyone from spending money that isn't there. In the old days, you had banks hold on for money, and then you'd keep it locked up to make sure bandits didn't ride off with it. Since bitcoin not only exists as a record on the blockchain, there's nothing to keep banks in the guard. All that matters is your private key.
The secrets we have for the health player lets you access your account and save money from it. Vince Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer.
As long as your account is secure, no one can steal your bitcoins, and you're going to send them from anywhere. That's why bitcoin is attracted to millions of players. Come with Saks, Microsoft, even the Winklevoss twins. Want to send a bitcoin for yourself? Send it to one. Same way that it brings a digital currency for machines like Coinbase. And don't worry, send your US dollars, at least for now. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_good_sword | My name is Plum. I'm six years old, and I'm a beauty queen. My mama drive me around a patch. Now that damn thing is gross. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum's competing to be a little miss mom I'm tired during clean up hour at a casino at four o'clock in the morning. I'll need a new dress, so we're going to the doodle. Hey, Mama! I found Seagull!
That ain't dress, baby. Put an e-pile. Oh, wow. Oh, shit.
This is a good sword. That's a perfectly good sword like this, doing a pile of nothing. Now, I don't know a dog from a weird wolf, but to my eye, that was a good sword.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Do you forgive me, Plum? I didn't mean to. I didn't mean it.
So Mama cut off my hand, and then we found my hand, and then we put my hand on ice cream, and then we went all the way to the hospital. What are you telling me? My hand fell off. It had to fall off. Beats the fuck out of me. Good girl. Now, I don't got no health insurance, so I knew that hand was going to cost me an arm and a leg.
When you're in a difficult financial situation, you also ask yourself, what assets do I have in my disposal? Me, I got a good sword. What we got here is an 18th century steel fucking awesome sword. It cut off a little, it could cut off a little girl's hand.
Yeah, I'd get 20 bucks for it. Are you kidding me? Yes. Yes, I will take your right arm. And that's what's called investments. Whoo, you got the white house on there, man. Give him a card. You flirting with me?
I'm worried about your ass, ma'am. Why are you worried about my ass?
Been working hard, whole life, sweating and toiling. Should really retire. You understand my ass should retire? But it just won't. Oh, um, get in this.
Now, I felt a little guilty. I mean, my little girl's in the hospital, Sam's hand, and here I was getting dipped. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And the same goes for the pussy. But when all was said and done, I was at this point. Why was that, mama? Well, let's just say I was not in his eat pile. Here she is. Thank God.
I got a sticker, a lollipop, and a pillow. Oh my gosh, like three birthdays.
What do I owe you? Well, here's your whole bill. It comes out to $180,000. Okay, yeah, that's all. I got a big, big pile. You want a lid? Oh, no, thank you, sweetie. You can have that. The whole thing? You don't have to talk to your daddy about that. He didn't eat my pussy, so he can suck my dick. |
dropout | charge_with_rhys_darby | We will be oppressed no longer. We will storm the palace of these Persian dogs, rip their hearts from their chests, and taste their blood. Tonight we feast on evil!
Okay, new plan. I appreciate everyone's excitement, but that was quite dangerous for me, so I'll run out the way, and you guys count to 20. That's with Mississippi's. And then charge. Alright, tonight we feast on evil! One Mississippi, two Mississippi. Turns out everybody said Mississippi at different speeds. So, I'm just going to start at the back now. Very simple. When I scream, you charge. Right, tonight we feast on evil! Those of you up the front were understandably unable to hear me. So, I'm going to give the order to charge. Now, when you hear this from behind, please relay the message to the next row, and so forth, all the way to the front. Alright, tonight we feast on evil! In a more organized manner.
Charge!
Okay, there was a bit of a telephone effect that time. I said charge, but by the time I got to the front, you thought I said crispy lumberjack. So, I've had you all count off from one to eight. Now, when you hear the number of your group called, please advance. In case you haven't heard me, I've also assigned a buddy system. When your buddy runs, you start running. Alright? Okay, tonight we feast on evil! Starting with group three! Should have started with group one.
My mistake. I don't know what I was thinking there. Stupid. Also, I noticed a lot of you had buddies in different groups. So, it was all rather confusing.
Let's try this. We'll storm the castle in one long, single-fire line. When you get a tap on your shoulder, just tap the next person, and when we're all tapped, we'll charge! We're like a giant war caterpillar! Hungry for evil! Alright, let's escape the chrysalis!
Tap!
It took a bit long, and I think that caterpillar-eyed ear, most of you were impaled by that volley of flaming arrows. Still, I think we can use this to help organise ourselves.
Everybody remembers Heracles! Good guy! Beautiful painter. I'm going to throw his flaming head into the air, and we'll use it as a sort of a flare, or beacon, if you will. Alright! Up she goes!
It seems the flaming head scared almost all of you away from the battle. There's not many of you left now.
Okay, I've just been shot! Oh no! I've been tied to a horse!
I can do with some help here! To start with, I'm going to ask soldiers with names beginning with A through J. |
TheOnion | ClickHole_What_This_Adorable_Little_Girl_Says_Will_Melt_Your_Heart | Hi, my name is Jessica.
I'm 8 years old, I'm from Sarasota, Florida, and I am nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an internet video. I know you clicked on this video because you're bored and very easily distracted from the things you actually need to get done today. I mean, who can blame you? That's exactly what this video is preying on. The fact is, the people who posted this video would stop at nothing to get you to click on this link so it would increase the website's page views and make the advertisers happy.
Let's look at the big picture for a second. If even 100 people share this video on Facebook, the website is automatically guaranteed thousands of more page views, which in turn means thousands of more dollars in ad revenue. Why would anyone spend time writing up an 800 word article when they could just put up a video of a cute little girl or make a slideshow of the 10 cutest honey badger couples? By the way, every time you click through a full slideshow, those are each separate page view. Do you have any idea how many page views a single slideshow gets? Let me tell you, it's a ton.
Oh right, you want me to say something adorable because, well, you're lonely and you really just need something to fill the emptiness you're feeling deep down inside. Just remember, no matter how many videos you watch or how many lists you read, you're still going to feel all alone.
I guess that's just the way it is. There. Hopefully that's cute enough to satisfy the all-consuming vacuum of your soul for a little while. Bye bye! |
TheOnion | Onion_Year_In_Review | A poll found the majority of Americans approve of sending Congress to Syria. Pope Insanity the 1045th was selected, and Bo Obama received visiting dognetaries from Furgwey. Now for all the news that occurred in this arbitrary period of the Earth's orbit around the sun. This is the Onion Year in Review.
This January, guerrilla sales skyrocketed across the nation following the latest in a series of guerrilla attacks, reigniting the national argument on guerrilla control. The incident caused a sharp rise in guerrilla sales across the nation, with Americans in states such as Texas, Florida, and Alabama simply saying they never wanted to be helpless to defend themselves from having their arms and faces ripped off by a deranged guerrilla. Meanwhile, the anti-guerrilla lobby still contended that the answer was to have fewer guerrillas, with some arguing that America has already buried far too many feces-covered victims.
In March, members of the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage, saying, quote, Yeah, sure, who cares? Sources confirmed the dumbfounded court reportedly stopped proceedings 10 minutes into oral arguments regarding the right of same-sex couples to marry in California, with all nine Supreme Court justices calling the subject a no-brainer and demanding that the court be allowed to move on to something you don't have to be as dumb as dog shit to argue about.
Following George Zimmerman's acquittal for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin this July, exhausted and diminished American citizens were unable to do anything but throw their hands up and just tell black teenagers to do their best out there. Expressing their sincere wish that the state of things wasn't such that a patrolman could admit to following and shooting an unarmed African American teen without the slightest consequence, frustrated Americans everywhere urged black teenagers to just be safe, pray, and maybe try to avoid ever being outdoors at all. A study released in September found that average Americans, while ostensibly appearing to be normal and mentally sound in their day-to-day lives, descend into a state of extreme psychosis when they are alone at home. Citing a spectrum of deranged behavior that included pacing back and forth between rooms for no reason whatsoever, participating in imaginary arguments in an empty room, and making grotesque faces into mirrors for hours at a time, researchers told reporters that most Americans exhibit symptoms of acute schizophrenia and violent insanity far beyond what any of them were able to predict.
In science news, NASA announced we will have a mass shooting on the moon by 2055, and a study found wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in the US. In 2013 sports news, Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin all celebrated the Heat victory, and a Red Sox fan dedicated the garbage can he was lighting on fire to the Boston Marathon victims. In local news, a rock apparently factored into a girlfriend's shower routine, and sources confirmed that a creepy one-word text message from mom could mean anything. And in this year's op-ed pages, a man urged readers to find the thing they were most passionate about and then do it on nights and weekends for the rest of their lives. And domestic terrorist Jokhar Tsarnaev realized that when his older brother said, Let's bomb the Boston Marathon, he probably should have said no. In other news, a captivated world watched as the royal baby was born. NBC canceled Piven after five seasons, and Nelson Mandela became the first politician to be missed. Another year has come and gone, and your only notable accomplishment has been watching this internet news summary video. The Onion applauds your efforts. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | southwest_airlines_announcement_snl | At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience. But over the holiday season, we messed up. our system collapsed and thousands of flyers were left stranded. and you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do. And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are being investigated by the Faa, which is why this year we are dedicated to making things right with the better, more modern Southwest Experience.
For starters, we are finally upgrading our entire communication system to 2008 Dell Computers. that's right, we are saying bye-bye to those 2002 Ibm Thinkpad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle. Also, no more missing baggage or baggage claim, guaranteed. from here on out, all luggage will be sorted by color. that makes it your responsibility, not ours. So, if you're going to Dallas, bring a red suitcase. don't show up with a blue bag. blue bags go to Charlotte. And make sure to get to the airport early to enjoy our new Southwest Premier Lounge, located inside of active Starbucks. we just get there early and hold down two or three tables for y'all. Southwest is also modernizing our entire Air Traffic Control network. No more pen and paper. our air traffic specialists will now be using our old Ibm Thinkpad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle. Now I get a proper flight schedule, instead of finding out where I'm going 15 minutes before takeoff. And now we're streamlining check-in, but not having one at all. we're just trying to fill up the plane and go. you showed your ticket at security, right? You good. we're also upgrading our in-flight staff strictly with people who used to work at Waffle House.
So come at them if you want, But these big bitches don't play. we're at Southwest. Mistakes we made, and that's on us. mostly. some of it's on you. Hey, man. let's keep it real. you bought the ticket. Again, you bought a Southwest ticket. you obviously don't respect yourself, so why should we? Thank you. thank you for flying Southwest. Welcome aboard. Southwest Airlines. if it's that important to you, just walk. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_girly_game_slumber_party_ii | This week on Bleep Loop, girly game Slumber Party 2. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Sarah Schneider, Elaine Carroll, Kate Spencer, and of course Pat Cassels. We are playing Imagine Party Babies. This is the result, I feel like, of a lot of new dads, like, new dads who just had babies getting really stoned together. They were like game makers. It would be terrible if they were doing that and they mixed up like Call of Duty with that.
Like, this is how parenting works? The first chapter in any good parenting book, Customizing Your Babies. Yeah. This is like that scene in Gatico where they choose the genetics stuff, they're like, I would like to be athletic. In a duck costume? Guys, this is a very important decision right now. Yeah, I know, because we have to make the most politically correct choice. And the rest we have to drop off a clip.
I like that girl on the left. She's very inquisitive. She's looking all around her. Yeah. She's got pants. She can pick one race and then dress them up as another. Oh, that's so cute. Small world after all.
Get up! Come on!
You won that one, didn't you? No, Sarah won. Sarah. Congratulations. Wow.
How do you feel? I also kind of feel like a loser.
Do we need to press A? I'm just trying to let my baby tire out so he takes a good nap later.
What are they firing at the things that pop, though? Pea shooters. That's kind of dangerous. That seems irresponsible. Yeah, after this they stuff them with their nose.
The better you are at party babies, the less likely you are to actually have babies. The babies are having fun hitting the monsters as they pop out of the box. The babies are so easily entertained. Anything will entertain them. They're so stupid. Let's play the high school musical game next. Guys, I think I'm getting better at parenting here.
Scuba diver. Flying duck.
Asian. Native American. Hip hop. They're all equally weird. The five races.
Come on. Come on, baby. Come on.
Oh, player. Player three is out. Oh! Thanks. In Argentina, people gamble on this.
It's hard to describe exactly just how much more magical your life is after you play Imagine Party Babies, but as soon as you put that disc in and get to the title screen, everything's different. I feel like it changed my opinion about having babies. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, but when I realized I could enter them into competitive tricycle races, I realized it's going to be a lot of fun to be a parent.
Parented really is a trial. Yeah, this is why parents don't sleep at night. But the good thing is you just turn it off. It's not about whether or not their kid's going to win the relay race. You've got to feed them four times a night so he has the calories the next day for the tricycle race. You've got to give him a duck suit so he has confidence. Parenting is hard. Unless you have cheat codes.
Oh! Oh my God.
Can they be any more adorable? They're so precious. Look at that one. I want to take them all home with me. I know! I just want to snuggle with them and kiss that one and that one. Just the cutest little things I've ever seen.
Yes, you are. Guys, I really want one. I know. One day, right? One day we'll all have one. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_naked_man_arrested_at_disneyland_doritos_ai_software_snl | Next week, Lifetime will air their first Christmas movie featuring a sex scene. the sex scene will finally explain why Santa named that one reindeer Vixen. that's a weird name for a reindeer, man. a Disneyland guest was arrested for stripping off his clothes and walking around nude on it's a Small World, which is the all-time worst answer to the question, so what are you in for?
A new study finds that your risk of developing diabetes depends on how fast you walk and whether this sound plays while you're walking. a new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai, and it's already making delirious mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba. do you even know what that stands for?
Doritos has created new software called Doritos Silent, which removes the sound of eating from video calls.
Not to be outdone, Taco Bell is working on new software that removes the sound of screaming from bathrooms. this week's sky gazers were treated to the beaver moon, which is only visible for a few seconds when the moon gets out of the shower.
I like this so far.
And plans for a three-year-long, around-the-world cruise were cancelled after organizers could not find a ship for the voyage. guys, call me.
Okay, I'm Colin Jones. that was Michael Jackson, 90! |
TheOnion | Friends_Don_t_Understand_How_Man_Not_Depressed | Friends of local man Carl Brewster told reporters this week that while they have long known the cheerful 32-year-old, they are all absolutely at a loss as to how he is not completely depressed. Onion reporters spoke to Brewster's friends about the man they say should be crippled by sadness at all times. I've known Carl for years now, and he really is a great guy, super nice. But honestly, I don't know how he doesn't go home and cry himself to sleep every night. I mean, he doesn't have healthcare, he walks dogs for a living, and no one will ever date him. I really don't get it. Saying that they were baffled at how their close friend managed to remain even moderately happy day in and day out given his life circumstances, sources confirmed they were regularly confronted with Carl's perplexingly gregarious and affable demeanor. I mean, Carl's life really, really sucks, but somehow he manages to wave good morning to me every time I see him, and he always has this big smile on his face. Even with everything he goes through, he's still always asking people to hang out. I mean, nobody ever does, but still, maybe he's on some kind of medication. Things have always been really awful for Carl, but he's never really been depressed. I mean, I make three times as much money as him, and I'm totally miserable. Honestly, we all thought he would have killed himself by now, but he hasn't.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_george_w_bush_saturday_night_live | The following is an address from the President of the United States. Good evening, my fellow Americans.
A little over six months ago, I asked for your support and your trust as our nation began a great undertaking Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you that despite what you may have heard or read, Operation Iraqi Freedom has been a huge success. Major combat operations have ended. Honestly, they have.
The people of Iraq are free, and while the hunt for Saddam's weapons of Mass destruction continues, what we have found already leaves little doubt as to the threat he posed just this week. For example, American troops under covered what was clearly a major chemical weapons lab. And although they found no actual chemical weapons as such, what they did find was just as good. this this and the real smoking gun this thing. No doubt the weapons lab was just one of many in Iraq, and we intend to find them all. Now, chemical weapons are bad enough, But as those Anthrax filled letters of two years ago made clear, biological weapons are every bit as deadly. And two days ago, in a safe house outside ticker it, ticker it a Coalition forces, they made a chilling discovery. No, not Anthrax. Something even more disturbing these? perhaps as many as a thousand. And that's not all. It appears that Saddam Loyalists were about to raise the terror threat to a new, more ominous level, but we won this round.
Now, what about Saddam's nuclear weapons program? here? Unfortunately, there have as yet been no major discoveries, but we're still looking and we're in no hurry. We've got all the time in the world and even if the evidence is never found, does anyone doubt that because of our actions, the Iraqi people are better off now than they were a year ago? Under Saddam? Despite the country's oil riches, Iraqis lived a lap of deprivation today because of us.
All that has changed. The country's infrastructure has been completely rebuilt with new roads, power stations, hospitals, and sports stadiums. By summer, every home in Iraq will have central air conditioning and high-speed broadband internet access. In addition, Iraqis now enjoy free, universal health care provided by the Us, including cosmetic surgery and full prescription drug coverage.
And because so many new schools have been built again by Us, Iraq now has the world's largest student teacher ratio with only eight students per class. and every one of those students from kindergarten to 12th grade has his own G4 power book courtesy of the Us, along with an ipod, cellphone and $200 per week walking around money and in return for all this. What have we asked of Iraq? Nothing. Not one red cent even though Iraqi leaders have offered to at least partly reimburse us with future oil revenues. But our answer to the people of Iraq remains the same: Your money's no good here. We can't accept it because we came to Iraq, not as conquerors. We came to the liberators and soon, perhaps in five years or 15 years, our troops will leave Iraq, and its people will form their own government through free elections. After we've replaced all the country's punch-card voting machines with new, state-of-the-art touchpad systems, because when the Iraqi people cast their first vote, we want every vote counted.
Naturally, rebuilding Iraq's gonna cost money. A lot of money. Perhaps as much as 1700 million billion dollars. After all, there are a lot of homes in Iraq, and flat-screen Tvs aren't cheap, but the fact is, we have no alternative.
That's why early this week, I intend to ask the Congress for an additional appropriation to finish the job in the form of what I call a blank check. I'm not gonna tell them the amount, because partly that's the point of a blank check, And in all honesty, you'd just be a guest. Anyway, thank you and laugh From New York, it's Saturday night. |
cracked | 4_shockingly_outdated_policies_of_modern_governments | Good news, Internet. The global community has developed a new strategy for overcoming the policy problems facing the modern government. They're traveling back in time. But before you get too excited about our future in the past, you should know the proposed solutions probably won't be as cool as this, because they're gonna look more like this. In the wake of the NSA's public exposure, Russia has grown increasingly paranoid about the security of their vital government information. So they decided to take their technology policies back to the 1950s, because nobody had to worry about American spies back then.
Their security agency recently invested in typewriters to ensure the maximum level of protection against the NSA's online snooping. They spent $15,000 on typewriters.
That is so much more than zero. So help me understand this, Russia. Your stance on the Internet is basically, eh, bad at today. Have you at least tried the latest Norton security update? I'd tell you more about it, but I'm not sure if cracked videos are available on projectable 8mm film strips. Unless you're trying to avoid American spying by becoming completely irrelevant, playing Don't Ask, Don't Tell with the existence of computers probably won't win you the technology race.
And speaking about dated homophobic policies, Russia also just passed a law banning homosexual propaganda. The law mandates fines against people who present positive or even socially equivalent information about homosexuality in the presence of minors. And that's basically all it says. It doesn't clearly define what presenting information to minors means, which of course allows for Russian officials to apply it however they choose. Since the law passed, Russian authorities have used it to detain LGBT demonstrators, known social advocates, and the Dutch. Russian President Vladimir Putin has stated the law exists to avoid perverting a traditional conception of human sexuality. Putin has expressed concern that such information could arouse interest in such relationships. And Russian thinkers believe this is Putin's attempt to demonstrate he can think differently.
But Russia's not the only nation investing in time travel. China's getting into the act too, but they're more interested in, like, the 17th century.
China's maintaining over 60,000 carrier pigeons as a safeguard to the communication threat posed by the NSA and others. So in the event of electronic jamming, the pigeons would fly messages over short distances to keep communication intact.
In what scenario is this a viable military strategy? Unless you're fighting a band of accidentally time-traveling Mesopotamians, you're probably dealing with armies who have bombs and or guns. Your vital intelligence isn't going through, dudes. Even in a world-ending catastrophe, does one band of survivors really want to talk to the other? Not if they've seen the walking dead.
Those pigeons are meat. Oh, look! France is developing the same program. Now you know it's a winning strategy. Seriously, guys, Americans have gotten used to feeling like proxy assholes because of our government, but you've somehow managed to restore our dignity. Your regression on ill-considered strategies have made us look...progressive.
Oh, f***ing...damn it. Roll sound. Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibural, King of the Fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked channel. Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're gonna make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh my god, I'm sorry. Okay, seriously, though? Raid and subscribe, okay? No, I'm doing it! I'm...
Ha-ha-ha! Y'all know his name, it's William motherf***ing Shakespeare! |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_season_49_bloopers_part_2 | And don't tell silly, but we also have hot pot. what? a donkey kicked him and his nuts and he flew into the Grand Canyon. ah! this is gonna sound like gibberish, but Sibutaputapao. Tapao pao Teetu. poop. But Sibutapao peto. did you say it every time? the reju-reju- the rejuvenating facial cleanser made by your- I drink between 6 and 45 times. you gonna f*** that cup? what was that? Hey, Martin. you have Hepatitis C. Whoa. uh-oh. shoot. Milady. Rawr. restart. But now, it feels like I'm sleeping in a sufor-.
Sephora? Sephoria? what the f***ing word?
But now it looks like a Christian museum.
Why y'all making me laugh? I'm trying to- at least we're safe here. What's wrong? I think that was mustard. can I listen physically? they change it. so many f***s. it's called the wave of water. they change it. Sorry. I got through so much of it. Also, your friend swallowed his phone. he's dead as f***. Maybe you Nisa confidence is exactly what they need right now. maybe we all Nisa con- f***. Thank you. Got it? Yep. hey, hello? So I have a phone in my neck. funny. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Angela_White | I've got Effie Bateman with me here in the studio as well. And today, Effie, we have quite an esteemed guest. We do. Big names rolling through here. Today, we have one of Australia's greatest exports.
I think it's fair to say. I think that's very fair to say.
She's a movie star. She's recognized globally. We have Angela White in the studio.
Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you so much for having me.
You have quite a portfolio and quite a few strings to the bow. How would you describe yourself in terms of categories? You're talking movie star. You own your own production label. You create content. You're potentially maybe becoming a podcaster.
Maybe. You've had a run at politics. I think there's a many pies. Yes. And many people. Very good. Very good to start.
How would you describe yourself or what would you give as a title? The easiest wrap up is I am a porn performer, director and producer.
A lot of people will obviously recognize the Australian accent if they have seen your videos. You are one of our greatest exports. As I just mentioned, could you tell us a little bit about how the journey from Australia over to the States came about?
Well, pornography was something that I wanted to get into from a very young age, a little bit too young maybe, some might argue. But it was something that really intrigued me because when I developed sexually, I was so excited to express and explore my sexuality. And I started doing so in high school and was heavily criticized for it. And pornography was the first space that I saw where women were being celebrated for having sex with multiple people of varying genders. And it was actually the first media form where I saw my body being represented and celebrated because back then, this was before plus size modeling was really a thing. When there was a curvy woman on television, she was always the butt of every joke. So pornography was the first space that I saw my body being represented and what I wanted to do and express being celebrated. So I saw porn for the first time in high school in Australia. And I thought this is what I want to do.
What are we talking about? Are we talking on a Nokia phone? Are we talking about a roller razor?
What was the first experience? I remember my first experience with pornography.
I found my dad's nudie mags when I was six because I had an older neighbor who said, I bet your dad, my dad has a bottom drawer. Let's have a look. And there was a lot of things in the bottom drawer. By older neighbor do you mean like a couple of things?
She was nine. She was nine when I was six.
That's good to clarify. That's actually much younger than me. My first porn, or at least my first explicit porn was at the age of 14. But I was very fascinated by sex even before that. So do you remember the book Where Do I Come From? I think vaguely. Yeah.
The cartoon pictures of naked men and women and copulation.
I was fascinated by that. So maybe that was my first real porno. Obviously I didn't know how to masturbate back then, but that was the first time that I really saw penises and vulvas and started my fascination with sex and sexuality. And also I found it so interesting that sex was very hidden.
Like my mom was very open with me about sex. Whenever I asked her about anything to do with sex and sexuality, she would tell me the truth about it. And she sat me down and gave me the talk.
When I would go to school and talk about sex with my peers, they had all these really weird ideas about what sex was. And when I said babies come from intercourse, they said, no, no, no, that's not how it happened. I also found sex fascinating because it was such a taboo topic, even at any age, really. And it still is quite taboo, even though things are changing. So I was that kind of weird kid at the back of the library reading Where Did I Come From and looking at those cartoon imagery of people having sex. And then at 14, I was introduced to magazines and somebody had stolen a parent's VHS. So I saw a really weird porno where the guy was standing in the corner wearing a lampshade and had sex wearing the lampshade the entire time.
Yeah, that was my introduction. On his head? Yeah.
And it was a penthouse letter, penthouse letters that I saw. And that was, for me, it was captivating because there was a spread of this woman. And she was looking directly down the lens with this huge smile on her face, like she just looked so happy. And I found that really appealing, both erotically and as someone who was trying to express and explore their own sexuality, I just found it really exciting that there could be this space where women were able to be naked and sexy and sexual and be glamorized rather than criticized. Yeah, interesting.
And so taking those next steps forward, how long was the process before you headed over to the States? Is there much of an industry in Australia that you were trying to crack or how did it evolve?
Yeah, my first scene was actually in America. By 14, I knew that pornography was something that I wanted to do. But obviously the legal age is 18. So I waited till I was 18. So I had those four years to really research the companies that I wanted to work for and what I wanted to achieve. So by the time I turned 18, I'd already decided that I was going to send my handwritten letter at the time. I had a disk of amateur photos that my friends had taken. And I sent this company a handwritten letter saying that I really wanted to get into the industry. And the rest is really history. They flew me across the world to shoot my first scenes. And I was just turned 18, still in high school, never been overseas by myself before. It was an exhilarating experience.
Really? So at 18, they took the part and said, come over here. Let's go. At 18, yeah. Yeah, right.
That must have felt surreal. It was incredible. Yeah, it was absolutely incredible, especially growing up and being slut shamed and criticized for expressing myself and really being criticized for something that felt core to who I am. And then feeling that validation from this company saying we want you, come over, we're going to shoot you, and doing something that I'd always dreamed of doing. It was absolutely a dream.
I find it interesting that you kept your real name. And I must say, it's actually the perfect porn name, right? Because you've got Sasha Gray, is it Tory Black is that one as well? So what made you keep your name instead of having a fake name?
It was really a political move at that point. I was so confident in my sexuality. And I'm proud of what I do. Even before I did, I was like, this is something I want to do.
I don't want to hide behind an alias. I don't think that sex is shameful or should be. I shouldn't have any embarrassment about my sexuality. So I decided to use my real name.
Yeah. It turns out it was a good day. It has worked out pretty well. In terms of landing 18 in America, LA, I'm assuming? It was actually Miami, Florida. Miami, OK. Yeah. All right.
And what did that look like? Because you hear stories about plenty of Australians, whether it's sports or movies or music, packing up and moving over to the States and hitting the ground running and being kind of blown away and trying to figure out and find their feet. I think Iggy Azalea, 16, packed up and went over to the States as an example. What did it kind of look like for you over there?
Were you living the dream? Was it tough? Was it a tough grind for the first couple of years? How did it play out?
I actually didn't move over there at that point. I mean, I still, yeah, I just flew over for shooting. I had to come back and finish high school.
So for many, many years, I was still based in Australia and going back and forth from Australia and the US, shooting in the US. And you did ask before about what the industry was like here in Australia. At that time, it was very, it was a very small industry. It was very grassroots, independent, actually very feminist, queer focused space.
Really? Yes, absolutely.
And I did shoot for the companies that were here at the time. And at the time, there was also Picture Magazine and People Magazine, all those glam mags.
Zumag. Yeah, Zumag.
Rest in peace. Yes.
So I did the rounds on the Australian circuit. But in terms of making a career out of it, LA is the headquarters of porn production globally. So LA was really where I needed to be and where I finally moved.
Yeah, cool. And when you finally moved there, what was it like? How was the process? It was fantastic.
It was, you know, when I finally moved, that's when my brand and my name really skyrocketed. When I was able to be consistently shooting for the big companies, that was huge for me. But even before that, I had started, I realized that the best way for me to express myself and to create the porn that I wanted to see was to create my own production company. So before I even moved, I created my own production company, I was flying across from Australia to LA, shooting content, bringing it back, getting it all edited and onto my website at the time before OnlyFans became the big platform that all the performers use. But yeah, and very early on, I got my own DVD distribution line, my own flashlight, which is a male masturbation sleeve toy.
So yeah, it was it was a real exciting journey. And it's still exciting. Yeah.
So you knew early on that you wanted to start your own production company? No, no, no, the career aspect of it came later. So I just got into it for the love of sex. I really just wanted a space that was safe, where I could explore my sexuality with like minded peers, because that's, I really felt ostracized in high school for the way I was treated when I was just being true to myself. So porn was this space where I was like, okay, this is where I can be myself with like minded peers. So it was just shooting for other companies was a lot of fun and still is a lot of fun. But I realized without having my own production company, I was still bringing their vision of sexuality to life. And so creating my own production company was a way for me to control everything. So that meant I could, I choose the locations, I choose the makeup artists, I choose the wardrobe, I choose my on screen partners, I choose the camera operator, the photographer, it really all the finer details, I got to control and create a product that I was really proud of and that I wanted to see, I'm still really proud of everything that I created for for other companies. But I was helping them bring their vision of sex to life.
So you essentially doing what Taylor Swift did with her rerecords, right? It's Angela's version.
Do you have people coming wanting to shoot for your production company as well? Or is it your own, just your own content that you do? I do a bit of everything right now. So I am contracted to the biggest porn company in the world, which is Brazos. So for my professional studio based porn, I shoot only for Brazos at this current stage. And then I shoot for my own production company as well.
So I hire talent to work with me for DVDs, believe it or not, they still sell really well in the States. And those scenes are just a generic DVD. I mean, there are still parts of the States where the internet isn't great and buying an actual DVD is a better option. And there are still collectors, there are fans that collect the physical product. They love to have the DVD in their hand. That's awesome. That's an experience, putting a DVD on as a movie and sitting down on the couch, that's an experience.
And then those scenes that I shoot for any movies like that then get re-released now on my OnlyFans because that's really the platform that has exploded since the pandemic. What have you found like the difference with OnlyFans versus like the traditional way of doing it? I think that OnlyFans, I feel like it's really changed the game.
I think it's empowered performers more because now every performer is also a content creator and their own director and producer. They've got more control. Absolutely.
And they're creating content that allows them to have a passive income for the rest of their life. Whereas before when, I mean, obviously I was in a different boat because I had already become a director and producer, but a lot of performers were only performing. So it was really active income. They're not making royalties from their scenes. They're just getting that one day pay for their scene and that's it. Whereas now pretty much any performer is creating content that they can get a revenue from for the rest of their lives. So I think it's been an incredible thing for performers in the industry.
You're ahead of the game in that respect. In terms of rates, I understand there'd be a whole range, right, and a whole spectrum. But say for just someone starting out, average weights can be quite low, can't they? Like we're talking a few hundred bucks or can it range? Isn't it the more hectic the scene, the more you get paid? So I will say that rates have actually increased because of OnlyFans as well. Because they have to be competitive? Exactly. Because if you can make just as much, if not more money setting up a ring light and an iPhone in your bedroom, why would you come to set?
It's actually made it so that the performers that are coming to set are coming because they really love it. They love the lights, camera action. They love the community building aspect of being on set with a big crew. They like maybe potentially doing the scripts and the longer days where you create- Stuck in the washing machine.
Right, right, right. A classic. Iconic.
But yeah, so I think even starting out, rates are higher than they used to be. Honestly, I am in a little bit of a cushy position right now because I'm on contract rates. And so my rates are much higher. So I don't know what exactly the rates are now for Newbie.
But certainly there are performers that are using their social media platforms as a way to get bigger rates as well. Because people are building their brands on social media. If you already come with a brand and a fan base of hundreds of thousands of followers, then you can demand a higher rate when you're coming and shooting for studio based porn.
I did want to quickly ask about your followers, actually, how you've managed to amass such a huge amount of followers considering you're essentially shadow banned, which if people don't know, you try and search and you try and find the profile, you just cannot find it on social media accounts or you can find it obviously, because millions of people have found it. But it's very, very difficult to go and do it. So how hard has that process been? Because you got a big following on TikTok as well, which they're very quick to shadow ban. It's been really difficult to grow.
I think my fans are incredibly loyal. So it has been great that my fans always seek out, you know, my real social media accounts.
But the shadow banning, the worst part about it isn't that it's harder to grow. It's actually that the shadow banning allows fake catfish accounts to run wild and scam my fans, which is a real problem.
Yeah.
And they're not cracking down on those accounts. They're just stopping the real account from being found, which is quite confusing.
I do have the blue tick. So it's crazy. So I've got the blue tick, but I'm still shadow banning. If you type in my name into Instagram, it's very, very difficult to find me.
Yeah. You mentioned the washing machine there. You mentioned the lampshade in the first video that you watch. I wanted to know this, you know, this could be ones that have been suggested, that have been turned down on ones you've been a part of.
What are some of the weirdest and wackiest plots you've had?
Well, there's always the classics, you know, pizza delivery, plumber, oh, I don't have any money. How can I repay you with no money?
I actually did a great one for browsers called Porn Logic, where it made fun of all of those. Oh, cool. So it was like a spoof. A spoof porno. Yeah. Yeah, that's a funny one.
In terms of, oh, I don't know, see, everything that seems weird to other people is so normal to me. So I see scripts that I'm just like, oh, okay, here we go again. I mean, there have been, I know one of my performer friends actually did one where instead of being stuck in the washing machine, she was stuck in one of those cat scratches, which is just, it's just so ridiculous. Aren't they really small? Yeah, yeah, it didn't make any sense. But I think that was what made it. It's also impressive to get into it, cat scratcher as well. I think she just had her head through it, but yeah.
I like the lemon stealing whores. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's the one where there's these women who keep stealing, no, they keep stealing these lemons, and he's like, stop stealing my lemons. And that's the whole premise. And he has to punish them for stealing. Yeah. All right. Anything can be a porn premise. You'll have to link me that one later, I think.
He's a bit flustered. The lemon stealing.
In terms of those narratives and stuff that you say you've got your own, you've got your own production company, but you contracted for Brazos, what does this negotiation process look like in terms of going like, I don't want to do that, or consent, or all that sort of stuff? Because I think a lot of people have a perception, whatever it is of porn, that they don't quite understand that there are so many things behind the scenes, boxes that get ticked and negotiation process and consent, et cetera, that goes forward and goes into that production. Could you give us a bit of insight into how that works and how much you have to do before you hit press play on a camera? Sure. It's actually very corporate, and there's a lot of compliance that we have to go through. So even before a scene is booked, I have an agent, so the company will contact my agent and send the script and say, is Angela willing to do the script? So I'll go over the script, they'll send me the proposed scene partner, and so even before I get on set, I'm agreeing to the sex act that we're doing on the day.
Then once I get to set, every single day on set, we have to prove that we're over the age of 18. Doesn't matter how many years we've been doing this.
We've got to turn up with two forms of government issued IDs and we have to fill out paperwork, consent forms, and now we actually do a consent boundary checklist as well. So the performers will sit down with a talent liaison and we go through a very extensive list of all the potential sex acts that could happen within the scene. So it goes from kissing, nipple pinching, vaginal penetration, anal penetration, object insertion, pegging, rimming. The list is quite extensive and so there's the option to say yes, no, or there's a clarification. So for spanking, I might say yes, but light. Also this list is just to give your on-screen partner an idea of what your hard no's are, what you like.
The talent liaison is there as your advocate throughout the scene, so they watch the scene. So if at any point one of your boundaries is crossed, they're there to cut the scene and actually come in and make sure the performers are okay. It's actually never happened while I've been on set, but it's good to have it there. And then the performers always have the right to cut a scene at any moment, whether it's for a water break, they're having a cramp, they might change their mind middle of the scene that actually, no, I don't want any more hair pulling, whatever it might be. So performers ultimately have the power to stop a scene at any moment.
But yeah, there's a lot of paperwork and then also there's the testing protocols that we go through, which you cannot shoot a scene without a 14 day test. So because I shoot so much, I'm testing for a full STI panel every 12 days. Is that like blood tests and everything? That's blood, urine, swabs. So we're doing throat swabs, vaginal swabs, anal swabs, every 12 days. Every 12 days.
There you go. I'm assuming that has evolved over time, not the STI checks, the process for consent and all that sort of stuff. I'm assuming that's evolved a lot over the last, even five to 10 years. Yes, absolutely.
The boundary consent checklist, those really were implemented by the major companies after the Me Too movement. So while the mainstream industry was having its Me Too movement, the porn industry also had its own Me Too movement. And it was great for the industry because it weeded out any unethical players and really made companies step up and take performer safety very seriously. And I'd love to give a shout out to Kink because kink.com actually had these consent lists from the very beginning. It wasn't an afterthought of the Me Too movement. But now it's great that the entire industry, or at least the big players, I should say, have their own consent checklists and they go through to make sure that performers are doing the things that they want to do.
I mean, porn should be fun. That's the whole point. It should be fun.
That reckoning post-Me Too movement, that was industry-wide, were there big names that went falling down? Like how did it, did it kind of really reshape the landscape or was it just changes that happened? It did. I mean, there were certainly some directors that were called out for inappropriate behavior on set and the big companies really, you know, obviously they care about performer safety, but obviously from a liability point of view, you know, it's, we want to make sure that performers are not under duress, doing it out of their own free will and are always doing things that they enjoy.
Yeah. And so I think it's, I think it's been great for the industry to have that. Yeah. Because I imagine like you get, you know, people who were just 18 and it's very easy to influence them to do things. So I imagine it has been, has improved the industry a lot. I think so. Yeah. So I've been doing it for 20 years.
So when I started, there were no talent liaisons, there were no boundary checklists or anything like that, but I've always been a very good advocate of my own boundaries. And I think that even with these checklists, I think it's very important for anyone who does enter the industry that they are very good at saying no. You need to have that confidence to be able to say an enthusiastic yes and a very strong no. So with these boundary checklists, when we do it, the talent liaison is there to make sure that like there's no pressure on anyone to do certain things. Obviously anything that you agree to during those boundary checklists, you can, you know, retract consent at any point during the scene if you've decided actually not today.
Yeah.
So there's obviously all of that sort of stuff goes into the background of making the content. It's very curated.
Do you get frustrated when you kind of hear porn, I guess, being labeled as something that influences young men or influences kids poorly, et cetera, the same way that, you know, we hear rap groups in Western Sydney get hammered and get cracked down on because of lyrics, incite violence, et cetera, et cetera. So kind of those things, yeah, they get hit with the influences that they have on people when things like, you know, movies and video games and all that sort of stuff, no one calls for a diehard to be taken off the screen because it influences someone to go and shoot someone or, you know, video games, et cetera. Do you get frustrated by that?
I do.
Because porn is entertainment. It's made by adults for adults.
And you don't watch Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive. You don't watch porn to learn how to have sex.
That's just the reality of it. And I think it's putting too much pressure on porn to be educational. That's the role of parents. Yeah. You don't have parents pull someone aside after, yeah, one of those action movies and be like, hey, just so you know, you shouldn't actually shoot like four or five people in the head if they cross you in a business deal. Just so you're aware. Yeah.
Don't drive your car off the bridge and think it's going to land on the other side. Land on another bridge. It's not going to happen.
Yeah. I think it's silly though. Why is porn having this responsibility laid upon it? It's for adults. Look, my favorite type of porn to shoot is when it's as real as possible. I love that. It's still a product and it's made for adults and it should be watched by adults. And I think that what we really need to be talking about there is age appropriate sex education and porn literacy. And that is the responsibility of parents. Yeah.
You had a little tilt at politics back in the day and the way you just spoke there sounded like a great kind of piece of advice and information for the general public. Is that something you think you'll ever have another go at or is that too far behind?
Porn. Oh my God. No. Okay.
Politics is dirtier than porn. It's much dirtier. I think I'll stick to the dirtiness of porn.
Look, it was a great experience, I will say. It really opened my eyes to how the whole system works, which I don't know, maybe I was better off before that, but I achieved what I needed to achieve with that campaign and although I didn't want to get into politics, like if I had won the seat, I don't know what I would have done with myself. I really just wanted to draw attention to the fact that... Look, you could have just hung around there for like 10 to 15 years on a back bench salary and then just take up a contract with, I don't know, a bank or a defense firm or something like that. Maybe I've made a big mistake.
Yeah. It's easy. Easy as you can go get pierced, fall over on the street, no worries at all. No, I think it's more fun getting fucked for a living instead of fucking people. Yeah, right. Fucking other people over.
But that campaign, I just wanted to draw attention to the Greens candidate, which was Kathleen Moulton at the time, who was running on an anti-sex work campaign. She was trying to close all the brothels in Melbourne to save the women, to save the workers, which as we know... It would just go underground and then they're not getting looked after. That's very Greens, inner city Greens behavior. But at the time, I felt like, I mean, Greens is usually progressive and they've been pretty sex-positive for the most part. At the time, I was really shocked that they were running Kathleen Moulton. But anyway, I achieved what I needed to achieve, which was drawing attention to her and drawing some votes away from her.
So we won. Job done. Yeah.
So reading about you, you said that you found it difficult being a feminist and a porn advocate and that people think that you can't be both. What would you say to that? Well, I will say I'm not a porn advocate.
I'm sex-positive and I think adults should be able to do what they want with their own bodies, with other consenting adults. So I'm very much, I'm sex-positive. And I know like when I say I'm not a porn advocate, I think porn is the perfect job for some people, like people like me who are exhibitionists, who love sex. I think it's a great job for someone like me. I don't think it's a great job for everybody.
So when we go through these debates and there's sort of like the anti-porn side, it's erroneous to call the other side the pro-porn side because it's like, it's not that I'm pro-pornography for everyone. Like, I mean, there aren't obviously many pro-sex feminists, but yeah, it's difficult because there's so many myths that surround the porn industry and there's still that tidal debate about women in the industry are only there because they're drug addicted, they have no other options. And there's sort of an assumption behind that, that, oh, well, women couldn't possibly just love sex. Like a woman couldn't possibly just want to get into the industry because they get to do something that they love and get paid for it.
Amazing. Yeah, yeah.
There's always this perception there's gotta be some reason why they're doing, you know, compensating for something or whatever. The same thing doesn't happen for men. Like male performers are never asked, like, do you feel victimized or degraded? It's assumed it's like, oh, they want to have sex, so they have lots of sex.
Yeah. I never really hear where the male performers have like mummy issues, you know, you always hear like the daddy issues and you don't hear the mummy issues for the male performers. You also have a first class honours degree in gender studies, I believe. You went into the experiences in the Australian pornography industry. Yeah.
How was that process putting together, I'm assuming 10,000 words, 20,000 words? So long ago, I don't remember. I think maybe it was 10,000, but don't quote me.
Yeah, it was actually a great experience. So I really enjoyed doing qualitative research, doing interviews with women in the Australian pornography industry. And it was really fascinating just to hear the ways that the porn industry changed their sexuality and the way they viewed it, because a lot of the women went into the pornography industry having a certain idea about what their sexuality was.
So to give you an example, one of the women identified as firmly heterosexual. She had a boyfriend, had no interest in having sex with women. So when she got booked for a lesbian scene, she was essentially what we call in the industry gay for pay. She was just going through the motions for the money, for the product. And during the scene, she loved it. She was so turned on, had orgasms, was just completely overtaken by the pleasure. And her whole sense of her own identity was ruptured through performing in porn. She was like, fuck, am I bi?
What am I now?
So I think it's really interesting that porn is a very unique environment where you can explore your sexuality and do things that you wouldn't necessarily have done. Like, potentially she could have gone through life never knowing that she liked having sex with women. Because if you're firmly identifying as heterosexual, at what point are you just gonna, hey, whatever, let me just try and have sex with a woman.
It's very unique in that way. So that was one of the findings from the work that I did for my thesis. I wanted to ask as well about the porn community, so for example, whether it's LA or Miami or Australia, is it a tight knit community? Is there a lot of friendships within it? It's very, very tight knit. And in fact, because in many ways we're so ostracized from the outside world and our job is so unique that it makes us even tighter. But of course, like any community, there's also competition and things like that as well. We really do have each other's backs. Yeah, it's a great community to be involved in, especially being around your peers that think the same as you, because not everybody can even understand the idea of having sex with different people for work, which I understand it's a unique job, but only people within the porn industry can really understand what it's like.
Do you ever forget when you're outside of that circle and you'll be talking to someone generally and just say something that to you is normal and they're just taken aback and they're like, what?
Yeah, all the time.
But I think I actually don't try and hold myself back with that because I think that we should be talking more about sex. I think we should normalize talking about sex. I think we'll all be having better sex if we talk about it more.
Yes, certainly. Who are some of the characters, aside from like off-screen, I'm talking just in terms of huge personalities or fun people to hang around with, or I don't know, is there like all of them? Yeah, there's so many.
I really love hanging out with some of the older directors as well that have seen the way the industry has changed over time. I think that's always really fascinating having conversations with them, but certainly just, I mean, a lot of people within the industry are just fun people because they're very open-minded. Most people that get into the industry have an open mind, so it's fun to hang out with them. We do have industry parties.
Yeah. That's always fun. That would be so much fun. Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
And then the biggest party is the Avian Awards, which is held every year in January in Vegas. And that's the time when the entire industry gets together to celebrate all of our achievements. That is a wild, wild ride. That's the week where Vegas gets the porn community there because so many awards nights and event seasons are held there in Vegas and people just descend there for the week. So it'd be funny to see Porn Week when it's just the Avian nights and there's the whole community's descending and having fun in Vegas. It's a super fun week. So the week starts off with the porn convention, so that's where we get to meet all our fans. So it's a great opportunity for fans to meet their favorite performers because we're all in one spot. And then every night there's parties and then it ends with the actual Avian Awards night, which is always really exciting.
Yeah. Cool.
I wanted to ask whether you have had many DMs from blue tick accounts outside of the industry. Do you have notable people going, I'm going to shoot my shot with Angela White because I'm in LA for the weekend or I'm just going to shoot my shot with Angela White. Do you have many blue tick DMs? I have quite a lot of blue tick DMs.
Really? Yeah. I want to know.
You probably cannot and will not name any, but are there any hints you can give us or any kind of... Household names. House proper household names.
Have you ever had politicians? I have. Like Australian politicians or American?
No. Yeah. American. But Australian athletes. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely.
I cannot wait. As soon as we stop recording. I must know.
There you go. So do you let him go through to the keeper or are you like... I don't bother answering. Yeah. But every now and then. So I'm going to response. Sometimes. We've got to turn up. When your celebrity crush slides into your DMs, you respond. Yeah.
So who's your celebrity crush?
I will not.
I'm good. I think that's why I don't really respond to any. Because when he slid in, I was like, well, I'm good. I've reached the pinnacle.
It's fine. Yeah. Fair enough.
Well, Angela, I thank you very much for stopping in to the little town of Petuta, the Desert Rock FM Studios. It was a very informative and fun chat. And yeah, we're going to hit stop on the recording. And all the best. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
On had orgasms was just completely overtaken by the pleasure. And her whole sense of her own identity was ruptured through performing in porn. She was like, fuck, am I bi like, what am I now? So I think it's, it's really interesting that porn is a very unique environment where you can explore your sexuality and do things that you wouldn't necessarily have done. Like, potentially, she could have gone through life never knowing that she liked having sex with women, because if you're firmly identifying as heterosexual, at what point are you just gonna, hey, whatever, let me just try and have sex with a woman?
Yeah. It's, it's very unique in that way. So that was one of the findings from the work that I did for my thesis.
I wanted to ask as well about the porn community. So for example, whether it's LA or Miami or Australia, is it a tight knit community? Is there a lot of friendships within it? It's very, very tight knit. And in fact, because in many ways, we're so ostracized from the outside world and our job is so unique, that it makes us even tighter. But of course, like any community, there's also like competition and things like that as well. We we really do have each other's backs. Yeah, it's a great community to be involved in, especially like being around your peers that think the same as you, because not everybody, not everybody can even understand the idea of having sex with different people for work, which I understand it's it's a unique job, but only people within the porn industry can really understand what it's like.
Yeah. Do you ever forget when you're outside of that circle and you'll be talking to someone generally and just say something that to you is normal and they're just taken aback and they're like, what? Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Yeah, all the time.
But I think I actually don't try and hold myself back with that because I think it's I think that we should be talking more about sex. I think we should normalize talking about sex. I think we'll all be having better sex if we if we talk about it more.
But yes, certainly. Who are some of the characters aside from like off-screen, I'm talking just in terms of huge personalities or fun people to hang around with or I don't know, is there like all of them? Oh, there's so many. Yeah, there's so many.
I really love hanging out with some of the older directors as well that have seen the way the industry has changed over time. I think that's always really fascinating having conversations with them. But certainly just I mean, a lot of people within the industry are just fun people because they're very open minded. Most people that get into the industry have an open mind. So it's fun to hang out with them. We do have industry parties.
Yeah. That's always fun. Yeah.
That's a lot of fun. And then the biggest party is the Avian Awards, which is held every year in January in Vegas. And that's the time when the entire industry gets together to celebrate all of our achievements. That is a wild, wild ride.
That's the week where Vegas gets the porn community there. Because so many awards nights and event seasons are held there in Vegas and people just descend there for the week. So it'd be funny to see Porn Week when it's just the Avian nights and there's the whole community's descending and it's great fun in Vegas. It's a super fun week. So the week starts off with the porn convention.
So that's where we get to meet all our fans. So it's a great opportunity for fans to meet their favorite performers because we're all in one spot. And then every night there's parties and then it ends with the actual Avian Awards night, which is always really exciting.
Yeah. Cool.
I wanted to ask whether you have had many DMs from Bluetick accounts outside of the industry. Do you have notable people going, I'm going to shoot my shot with Angela White because I'm in LA for the weekend, or I'm just going to shoot my shot with Angela White. Do you have many Bluetick DMs? I have quite a lot of Bluetick DMs.
Really? Yeah.
You probably cannot and will not name any, but are there any hints you can give us or any kind of household names? House proper household names?
Yeah. A lot of athletes. Yeah. A lot of musical artists. Yeah.
Have you ever had politicians? I have. Like Australian politicians?
No. Yeah. American. But Australian athletes? Okay. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah.
I cannot wait for my microphone. As soon as we stop recording. I must know. I simply must.
There you go. So do you let him go through to the keeper or are you like?
I don't bother answering.
Yeah. But every now and then. So I'm getting a response. Sometimes. There you go. Fair enough. When, when your celebrity crush slides into your DMS, you respond. Yeah. So who's your celebrity crush? I think, I think that's why I don't really respond to any cause when he slid in, I was like, well, I'm good. I've reached the pinnacle. It's fine. Yeah. Fair enough.
Well, Angela, thank you very much for stopping in to the little town of Batuta, the Desert Rock FM studios. It was a very informative and fun chat and yeah, we're going to hit stop on that, on the recording and all the best. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. |
TheOnion | A_Quick_And_Simple_Drywall_Recipe_That_Kids_With_Pica_Will_Love | Getting your child to eat healthy and nutritious foods can be hard, doubly so if you have a picky eater on your hands. Add in an abnormal desire to consume non-nutritive substances and you'll feel like pulling your hair out.
But, stress no more.
Today, I have a quick, simple drywall recipe that kids with pica will absolutely love. We want to start with toasting the gypsum in a large pan. This brings out the chalky flavor of the calcium sulfate dihydrate and helps draw some of the water out. A dry gypsum is a happy gypsum. Heat helps refine the calcium sulfate from a dihydrate to a hemihydrate. That crystallization process is going to give you an extra kick of yummy goodness that will have your little pica sufferer begging for seconds. Once your gypsum is nice and toasted, add it to the mixing bowl along with shredded paper, anti-foaming agent, a bit of starch, fungicide, and your plasticizer. Remember to set aside about two tablespoons of plasticizer for the glaze. Once you've mixed your wet and dry ingredients into a nice, clumpy consistency, add in a whole cup of ethylene diamine tetraacetic acid. Now, you can get ethylene diamine tetraacetic acid from any specialty chemical supplier, but I prefer Sigma Aldrich. They offer it in either powder form or already in solution, which is what I use for this recipe. Yes, it's a bit of a shortcut, but your substrate-loving kiddos won't be able to taste the difference. What I just love about this drywall recipe is you don't have to need the slurry to scoop it straight into a muffin tin that's been greased with industrial-strength lubricant.
Bake them until you can hammer a nail through the center. Once your stucco bites are cooling and you've glazed them with the plasticizer you set aside earlier, this is when you can have a bit of fun with the toppings. I like to sprinkle paint chips over the bites for a fun splash of color, but if you really want to go wild, make a toppings bar so your little ones can customize their drywall treats. Buy bite-sized nails and screws, or grind a soft, mineral-like lime or titanite into dust to cover the bites with. Or simply go to your backyard and grab a clumpful of dirt and voila, let the wee ones go to town. Your kids may not be eating real food, but at least they'll be gnawing on something delicious and having a good time while doing it.
For The Onion, I'm Jillian Hess. |
dropout | porn_but_for_crying | You've got a hat on. What? It's a chip hat.
It was a joke. Don't take it personally. You should laugh. Enjoy it. Did you not think it was sunny?
No, but what is Grant doing? That guy. He watches porn at his desk. Ew. Yeah. Well, cry porn. Oh. Wait, what is cry porn? It's videos you watch to make yourself cry. Oh my god. Why would anyone want to do that?
I don't know.
Why would anyone want to do that? It's self-manipulation. You get a big release from it. You know, watching cops befriend at-risk youth is huge for guys like that. Why? I have no problem with someone doing that at home, but at work?
Gross. Grant O'Brien! We can see you! Oh. Uh, Katie, Reika, um, I'm just watching people fuck. Oh, come off it, Grant. We know your game. I'm going to turn the implant first. You're disgusting. Watching people's private moments for your own pleasure, what is wrong with you?
Wow. That was amazing.
Reika! Do you have any more? Yeah. Wait till you see Jimmy Kimmel's monologue about his neighbor who got a flat tire. No!
And after the accident, that teacher's heart went to his student. Rex has been sitting by the grave since Bill died.
I was just so happy to finally have a friend. My daddy isn't having it, but he wrote this poem for my birthday.
And that little boy with autism made the game-winning free throw. We played trumpet over Skype to stop famine. And that Jimmy Kimmel made the winning free throw.
For CBS News, I'm Steve Hartman, On The Road.
You know, I can't believe you people. You're perverts.
Doing that at work, children can come by. Now if you'll excuse me, mama's got a tingle.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
And sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
cracked | how_social_media_is_ruining_mother_s_day | It's that time of year again.
It's Mother's Day. But what are you doing special for Mom? I love my mom. I love my mom, and I wouldn't be anywhere today without my mom setting an example for me.
So today, on her special day, I decided to give back. I sat down and wrote all about the impact she's made on me, and how much I truly owe her for teaching me how to be a man. And then I posted it on my blog.
Thanks, Mom. To celebrate her, I'll be uploading throwback hashtag Mom's Day photos all day long. Because I love her, and I want people to know that. We're going to lose our present day. Two seconds, Mom! This Mother's Day, it's important to say thanks. Today, I'm going to tweet every 20 minutes something new I love about my mom.
Honey, I figured out the Twitter. What's your handle? You can't, Mom. Don't follow me. You won't get my tweets.
I don't want to freak you out or anything. I don't want to freak her out or anything.
And I'm spending the day with my mom, posting Snapchats of us together. Honey, really, I'd just like to know how you're doing. You can stop taking photos of me for just a second. I've got a better gift than letting everyone know.
Everyone know.
Mama. How much I love my mom. Honey, really, I just thought we'd spend some time together.
I can't really follow you on these things. Mom, stop it. What is that?
Oh my God, did it swap our faces? Yes, it did. And if I went down, it would...
Don't! I look terrible.
This Mother's Day, do something special for... About your mom.
Did you, like, all over the internet? No, of course I posted it.
He's learning the normal life. Well, what if your father sees that? That's just horrible. You don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that. Obviously, the more that I talk, the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_man_who_did_too_much_press_snl | Well, guys, oftentimes when an actor is promoting a new movie, let's say, a Netflix movie, they have to do a lot of press, sometimes too much press. here to comment is a man who did too much press. hello, hello, thank you for being here. Sure, sure. where am I exactly? you're on weekend update. Oh, was this a podcast? No, no, you're on Saturday Night Live. Oh, I'm live Tv, Oh my God. I gotta stop. Yeah, you've kind of been everywhere. Yeah.
I mean, I've seen you, I even saw you on Rich Eisen. I wasn't on Rich Eisen. No, you were, I saw it. I like Rich Eisen, I find him accessible.
Yeah, yeah, it's a sports show. I know, I know that now. Well, for the viewers, how does someone know that they're doing excessive press? Well, that's the thing, you don't know.
I mean, until someone who cares about you shows you a video package and you see yourself with people with these names, Hoda, Moraka, Chanel, Vlad. Vlad? Yeah, I talked to a guy named Vlad.
Oh, I can't undo all the press I've done, but I want to help other people. if you're struggling with press, you're not alone. I'm talking to you, Ryan Gosling. when I started doing press front frosted, I was like you. funny, good looking, Now look at me. do you think this is how I wanted to spend my 26th birthday? But you can get clean. I'm sorry. is that your phone? yeah, excuse me.
Univision? yeah, I'm ready. No, he's doing another interview? What is it, Spanish? Yeah, fine. what is the dialect? Catalan? yeah, I can do that. who's the host?
Popi? Pippa? But I think we've lost him. Hola, Pippa. I love your show. are you kidding? all the time. that's correct, Pippa.
Unfrosted is a delightful crazy tale with some of your favorite funny people as you've never seen them before. All right. the man who did too much press, ladies and gentlemen. |
TheOnion | Romney_To_Undergo_Gender_Reassignment_Surgery_To_Better_Connect_With_Women_Voters | Mitt Romney announces he will undergo gender reassignment surgery to better connect with female voters. Thomas the Tank Engine says he's a little uneasy with his broad autistic following and a couple has a nest egg of debt to make sure they've got some money to owe down the road. Yet again, you come crawling back to this verbally abusive web series like the masochistic sea urchin you've always been. This is the Onion Week in Review. Vice President Joe Biden announced from the White House Saturday his plan to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his Harley-Davidson over the Vietnam Memorial, saying that the quote badass tribute was the best way to pay homage to U.S. soldiers who've lost their lives in combat and the perfect follow-up to his past jumps across famous Washington monuments. We repeatedly told the Vice President that the jump was extremely dangerous and should not be attempted, but he insisted that even if he did fall, he planned to get fairly tanked before, so he wouldn't feel a thing.
Quiet and reserved temp Kevin Bright surprised his co-workers at Flagstone Marketing this week when they discovered that the mild-mannered 27-year-old was actually an untalented singer-songwriter. Co-workers said they were completely shocked when they realized that Bright, who mostly keeps to himself at work, usually spends his free time embarrassing himself at open mics across the city and that underneath his meek and soft-spoken exterior is a terrible guitarist with no musical sensibility whatsoever. You see him in the office, he's this quiet reserved kid, and you would never think, oh, he's got a great voice and a wonderful stage presence, and you'd be totally right. Sucks. He's just the worst.
Local video editor James Korf told reporters Wednesday that despite having said goodbye over 10 minutes ago, his friend, 25-year-old Michael Woodward, still remained active on G-Chat and had shown no signs of leaving. He said he had to get going a minute ago, but his little dot is still green. If it were yellow, it would mean that he hasn't been on the computer for a little while, or if it was red, it would mean he doesn't want to talk, but it's green. I can tell. I can see it right there. He's still there. Korf later said that he felt briefly relieved when Woodward's chat logo turned orange, but was once again dejected when it became green within seconds.
And in this week's Op-Ed pages, a high school guidance counselor laments the fact that no one in his entire goddamn school has been molested. In other news, a bed bug feels bad for an area man, but a bug's gotta eat. A development exec wants to see what, where, and how that would look, live, and play out, and a man at the gym is just watching TV. And with that, we release you into the cold, ruthless world, armed only with the knowledge you've acquired from this video. Simply heartbreaking. For more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
dropout | the_best_christmas_songs_are_sad_hardly_working | It was the day of the College Humor holiday party. Jack Frost had whited the windows, but Grant was feeling blue. All around, his friends were feeling merry and he felt left out. And this year, like every year, he wondered about the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey, Blockhead, whatcha doin'? Listen to Christmas carols to try to get in the spirit before tonight. You know, Christmas is coming earlier and earlier every year. I feel like next year, it's gonna be September by the time- Get out, take from Allie. Hey, Grant, come on over here and nog up, man. That'll make you feel better. I guess. What are you listening to anyway?
This song sounds so sad. It's wintry and nostalgic. All the best Christmas songs are sad. Away in a manger, I'll be home for Christmas. All the songs my mom used to play for me were bummer's, but like, good bummer's? What child is this? Have yourself a merry little Christmas? That song is literally about muddling through one more shitty year just until you can get to a good holiday. Why would people wanna listen to something that makes them sad? Sadness is the true meaning of Christmas. Really? I thought the true meaning of Christmas was corporations selling people crap- Say, that's original.
Grant, you know this one? Oh, there's no time to drink wassail, no time to break bread.
Because Jesus Christ is born, but soon he will be dead. Though today he's just a babe, he will soon be in his grave. Jesus Christ, the baby will die.
Yikes, what about something chipper like jingle bells or deck the halls? Boring. What about Joseph can't pay his bills or angels hear the shepherds cry? Oh, how about there's no water in Bethlehem? Those are tragic-sounding titles. Those are just the religious ones.
I like the radio ones anyway. Like Walking Through a Winter Graveyard is so pretty. Bing Crosby. Christmas While There's No Wheat is a classic album. Oh my God, I love his later stuff. Like the album he wrote for the one time of year he sees his kids. You mean songs for the one time of year I see my kids. Then there's the country stuff.
A gift from my boss parentheses a pink slip is charming. I love economic inequality will kill us. Dot, dot, dot on Christmas. Why would people wanna feel like that when already Christmas is just bombardment with advertising?
Great roast. Let's do this one.
Rudolph can't see through prison bars. I drink the Christmas bells but I have no hands.
Oh, the needles on our tree are much too sharp. Think of all the wars in this baby's name. Santa does it, visit the elderly.
Yeah. Hey, that reminds me of this song that me and my friends always made fun of called Christmas Shoes. That's not original. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's. Is this better? All right, it feels worse. OK, thanks for watching. |
dropout | the_little_known_truth_about_mammograms_adam_ruins_everything | I'm Dr. Elmore. I'm Rachel. Nice to meet you. How can I help you today?
I don't want to seem pushy, but I need a mammogram now. Can you tell me a little bit more about why? I haven't found a lump or anything. I just need to get screened so I know I don't have cancer. Okay, let me sit down and let's talk about this. Cancer screening is a complicated topic. I looked at your medical record before I came in and it says that you're 35 years old, you don't have any family history of breast cancer, no risk factors, correct? And I would not recommend a screening mammogram today. Why on earth not?
Breast cancer is something that many of us fear. Many of us have loved ones who've suffered from it. But the truth about screening mammograms is that the benefit is less than we had hoped and there are real harms more than people think.
You sound like that human internet comment. Oh, you must meet Adam. We were just talking with Adam about this at book club. Dr. Elmore, is it you? How's the family?
Fine, Adam.
You can come in. I'm not looking. Very respectful. Rachel, this is Joanne Elmore. She's a doctor, professor at University of Washington, and an expert on breast cancer screenings. Adam, I'm over here. I don't understand.
I thought every woman needed screenings like constantly. Yeah, that's what doctors and advocacy groups have told us for decades. In the 80s, the American Cancer Society even ran an ad that said, if you haven't had a mammogram, you need more than your breasts examined. Wow, that's insulting. Eh, par for the course for the 80s. But in the last few years, new research has caused some of the recommendations to change. The American Cancer Society, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, and the American College of Physicians have all recommended getting mammogram screenings less frequently and beginning them later in life.
Argh! Really? Why?
When mammograms can and do save lives, the actual number of lives saved, it's much smaller than most people think. Based on randomized clinical trials, if you took 10,000 women in their 40s, here's how many might die of breast cancer if they didn't get any mammograms for a decade. And here's how many of those same women might die if they did get those mammogram screenings.
Take off your blindfold.
They both look the same. Exactly. There was no statistically significant difference between the women who got the mammograms and the control group.
How can that be? Mammograms find cancer. I have many pamphlets that say that. Well, they definitely find cancer, but not all cancer is the same. How do you think cancer works? Well, it starts with one bad cell, it multiplies and spreads, and if you catch it early enough, then you survive. And if you don't, then your friends and family run a 5K every year. That's what a lot of people think, but the truth is a lot more complicated.
One cancer grows so fast that mammograms can't catch it in time. This is an awful thing to win! But some cancers start growing, but then stop before they kill you. And other cancers grow so slowly they would never have the chance to kill you. Finally, there's the kind of cancer you were thinking of, the kind you hope to catch early. Yeah, that one hasn't reached the finish line yet. A mammogram could stop it in time. It might. The problem is, mammograms can't tell the difference between these types of cancer.
Oh, I can't tell you apart. You all look deadly to me. I'm going to treat you all the same.
You're so sexy when you detect cancer. That is less helpful than I thought. But if there's even a tiny chance it'll save my life, it does seem worth it for a harmless test. Unfortunately, mammograms aren't harmless. There's a chance the x-ray will show something suspicious when the woman doesn't even have cancer. That's called a false positive. This happens to about one out of ten women, and it can be very stressful. And the more often you get mammograms, the more likely you are to get a false positive. Over half of women in the U.S. who receive annual mammograms will experience a false positive within a decade. But, okay, sometimes they do find cancer, right? In a small percentage of women, yes. But remember, the screening could just find one of those harmless cancers that would never kill you.
That's what we call over-diagnosis. Estimates are that about one in five cancers might be over-diagnosed. That's really high. Consider the emotional and psychological stress of thinking you have a deadly disease when you don't. Or having to tell your loved ones. Those are real harms. And over-diagnosis can lead to over-treatment.
Since mammograms can't tell the difference between these types of cancers, we recommend serious treatments for all of them. And that can result in women getting treatments they don't need. Some, like chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and mastectomy, take a serious toll on the body. So you're telling me I could have that lazy cancer that would never have hurt me, but still be told to get chemo?
Yeah. It's entirely possible. Holy crow.
Taken together, given the false positives, over-diagnosis, over-treatment, instead of rushing in to get screening, I want women to weigh all of the data and make an informed choice. Prostate and thyroid cancer screenings have the same issue, by the way. You know, I used to get my prostate checked twice a week before I found this out. So what should I do? If you do feel a lump or an abnormality, please go see your doctor. And if they recommend a mammogram, get one at that time. Apart from that, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommends talking to your doctor in your 40s about whether you want to start screenings then, and otherwise, they suggest getting them every two years, starting in your 50s.
That's when the benefit is more, and the harms are less. I guess I won't get one today, then. There is some good news. Our treatment of breast cancer is so much better than it used to be, the mortality has dropped significantly. And we're able to cure most women with breast cancer, regardless of whether the cancer was detected on a screening exam or not. Thanks, Dr. Elmore.
Hey, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. I'm going to treat you all the same.
You're so sexy when you detect cancer. That is less helpful than I thought. But if there's even a tiny chance it'll save my life, it does seem worth it for a harmless test. Unfortunately, mammograms aren't harmless. There's a chance the x-ray will show something suspicious when the woman doesn't even have cancer. That's called a false positive. This happens to about one out of ten women, and it can be very stressful. And the more often you get mammograms, the more likely you are to get a false positive. Over half of women in the U.S. who receive annual mammograms will experience a false positive within a decade. But, okay, sometimes they do find cancer, right? In a small percentage of women, yes. But remember, the screening could just find one of those harmless cancers that would never kill you.
That's what we call over-diagnosis. Estimates are that about one in five cancers might be over-diagnosed. That's really high. Consider the emotional and psychological stress of thinking you have a deadly disease when you don't. Or having to tell your loved ones. Those are real harms. And over-diagnosis can lead to over-treatment.
Since mammograms can't tell the difference between these types of cancers, we recommend serious treatments for all of them. And that can result in women getting treatments they don't need. Some, like chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and mastectomy, take a serious toll on the body. So you're telling me I could have that lazy cancer that would never have hurt me, but still be told to get chemo?
Yeah, it's entirely possible. Holy crow!
Taken together, given the false positives, over-diagnosis, over-treatment, instead of rushing in to get screening, I want women to weigh all of the data and make an informed choice. Prostate and thyroid cancer screenings have the same issue, by the way. You know, I used to get my prostate checked twice a week before I found this out. So what should I do? If you do feel a lump or an abnormality, please go see your doctor. And if they recommend a mammogram, get one at that time. Apart from that, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommends talking to your doctor in your 40s about whether you want to start screenings then, and otherwise, they suggest getting them every two years starting in your 50s.
That's when the benefit is more, and the harms are less. I guess I won't get one today, then. There is some good news. Our treatment of breast cancer is so much better than it used to be, the mortality has dropped significantly. And we're able to cure most women with breast cancer regardless of whether the cancer was detected on a screening exam or not. Thanks, Dr. Elmore. |
dropout | hardly_working_guy_fieri_s_bad_news | Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri, and I'm here at College Humor to spice things up by judging an old-fashioned chili cook-off. Let's jam. Josh, I gotta say, this five-alarm firecracker chili is off the chain. Oh, thank you so much. Hey, would you mind giving my parents a call? They're huge fans here. Oh, man, anything, anything for you. Mama Ruben, yeah, it's Guy Fieri. I just gotta let you know yourself.
Uh-huh. Yeah, I'll tell him. So you know your grandparents? Oh, yeah. Hey, Mi Ma. Hey, P-Pop. Yeah, hey.
Well, it looks like Mi Ma and Papa took that big old 67 Camaro ride up to the sky. They're doing living their way. And by that, I mean they died. Yep, burned up in a Caliente car accident, which reminds me, this chili is one hot inferno in my mouth hole.
Totally money, bro. What? Yeah, bro. Bro, I'm getting some totally zesty, totally beanie flavors in there. That's the beans. You know what? If beans were jet fighters, this guy right here would be Top Gun.
Oh, thanks. Hey, no problem. Oh, and before I forget, the doctor rolled by earlier, dropped off those test results.
Bad news is that infection has spread, and that leg is coming off. The good news is I would give my leg for a chili recipe this faggot. Well, bad news, bro.
Looks like you've been torrenting too many old episodes of the snorts, and you wound up on Warner Brothers' radar. That's you. Yep, they're lawyered up and coming after you to the tune of 300000. Good luck in court.
I'm going in for seconds. Bro, three things I know to be true, okay? Number one, this triple pepper potion is jamming power chords on the Flavortown guitar. Number two, your grandparents were Nazi war criminals. And number three, I'd eat this on a flip-flop. JK. Wait, which one was the JK? Okay, welcome to Flavortown population, Murph's chili.
Also, your house burned out. What? But your chili is burning up. Okay, yeah. Just like all of your possessions, none of your dogs made it out. Not one. Delicious, de lupus. Mmm, slamma-lamma, ding-dong, your mom tried to abort ya. What?
Mmm, mmm, wee-wee-wee. Watch out, because that chili just hit the nitrous on the highway to Flavortown. Also, I love the smoky, mesquite flavor. Also, the spice level was perfect.
Nicely done. I ran over your dad in the parking lot. What? Yeah, that's right. This chili has me begging for more, kind of like he was begging me to move my Camaro off of his neck where I parked it. Yo, but totally money chili, honey. Thanks. Is he okay? You know what? That's a great question. I'm gonna bounce. I'm got daddy. Everybody's chili was off the hook. Kind of like I'm gonna be off the hook for running over that girl's dad in the parking lot. That's right. Check with the Lithuanian embassy. I got mad immunity. Hey, guys, hold up. You didn't try my chili yet. One more to go. All right.
That was awful. Awful.
I need water. I'm gonna get my chili. And subscribe. I love you, Pat.
For Frodo.
Hello! |
cracked | why_the_queen_isn_t_the_real_villain_in_snow_white | Hello my- Why, why yes, I- Queen Grimhilda? Um, what? Queen who? Okay, Queen Grimhilda, I know it's you. No, no, I'm just a little old woman selling magic wish granting apples. Here, put your tiny little mouth on it. Look, Queen Grimhilda, what exactly is your issue with me?
I shall be the fairest in all the land. I mean, I feel like you're more than just fair. I am. I am stunning and- No, I mean, you're more than just your looks.
You know that, right? What?
You are a queen, a woman ruling the kingdom that is already amazing. Thanks. And you're this incredible sorceress who can transform herself and make magic apples.
So why are you so threatened by me? I mean, I'm just making pies while I hide from you. Okay, so I have this magic mirror and he keeps telling me you're the fairest in the land, but- I was always the fairest in the land. Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
This mirror, it's a guy, right? I mean, it's mostly a terrifying eyeless face, but undeniably male, yeah? Typical. Who does this mirror douche think he is?
You are super fair. Stop it. Really? And I mean, even if you weren't the fairest, what does being the fairest even get you? Nothing.
It's still hard to meet someone, not that I have time to date, but everyone calls me a witch. You are not a witch. You are an incredibly talented sorceress. You never hear a guy who does magic being called a witch. Sometimes they get warlock.
Okay, that is not the same thing. Besides, you don't need a man to validate your existence. Just do what you love.
Being happy with yourself is the most attractive quality you can possess. So stop obsessing over being the fairest of them all. Yeah, it's just this magic mirror keeps saying. Did you ever think that this mirror is just trying to make you insecure so you'll be reliant on his opinion? By pitting you against other women, you're just focused on being the fairest in the land when you could be doing more important things.
I don't think he's smart enough to think that way, but yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what the hell? This mirror is starting to really piss me off. Where is he?
So these two chicks, they're supposed to be best friends, but they obviously hate each other because they're women and women are crazy. You know that, right? Anyway, I'll probably bang them both.
Hey, Queen, how are you? You kill that Snow White chick yet or what? No. Well, what are you waiting for?
She's only getting fairer. Hey, Snow White. What a pleasant surprise.
What's up, mirror? Heard you were talking shit. What? Me? Dumb mirror?
You're funny. Some people are funny.
You got it. Hey, wait. News flash. This just coming in. There's a new fair chick in town. You might want to get on that.
You know, breaking a mirror or seven years of bad luck. Oh my god, I feel all of this. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tennessee_bans_public_drag_shows_trump_lashes_out_at_desantis_snl | Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now-documentary, Medea goes to Jail. a Tennessee State Senator said the bill will prevent kids from being, quote, blindsided by a sexualized performance in public. What are you talking about? drag shows don't just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. now, I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that's just what you get when you take the bus. the U.s.
Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market, so I gave up eating bats for nothing. newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after Creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. so he lives in your building, huh, Colin? No. newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately. And to rub it in, they're replacing Dilbert with peanuts' Oops, all Franklin. Dilbert creator Scott Adams' racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, is it okay to be white?
Oh, I'd say it's more than just okay. the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank god I'm not George Santos, said George Santos.
Donald Trump accused Ron Desantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him. House Republicans concerned that China could use Tiktok to illegally gather information on Americans have voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide. replied Tiktok users. that's how he really dances, too. First Lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden. but it's mostly, hold on to the railing.
This week, South Carolina attorney Alex Murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O'brien. good evening, everyone. Welcome. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now-documentary, Medea goes to Jail. a Tennessee State senator said the bill will prevent kids from being, quote, blindsided by a sexualized performance in public. What are you talking about? drag shows don't just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show, and I grew up in New York City. Now, I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that's just what you get when you take the bus.
The U.s. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. so I gave up eating bats for nothing?
Newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after Creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. so he lives in your building, huh, Colin? No. newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, and to rub it in, they're replacing Dilbert with Peanuts' oops, All Franklin. Dilbert creator Scott Adams' racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, is it okay to be white?
Oh, I'd say it's more than just okay. the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank god I'm not George Santos, said George Santos.
Donald Trump accused Ron Desantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida governor a wheelchair-over-the-cliff kind of guy. wheelchair-over-the-cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him. House Republicans concerned that China could use Tiktok to illegally gather information on Americans had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide, replied Tiktok users. that's how he really dances, too. First Lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden, but it's mostly, hold on to the railing. This week, South Carolina attorney Alex Murdoch was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O'brien. |
cracked | 6_most_blatant_lies_brands_put_in_ads | A clinical study showed kids who had a filling breakfast to frosted mini-wheat cereal improve their attentiveness by nearly 20%. We were on the third paragraph of page 57. Right. I've never been so proud. Your chalk broke. Into three pieces. Okay, even I'm impressed by me. It's incredible news and we just can't keep it bottled up.
Listerine's as effective as floss. Listerine kills the germs that cause plaque, even between teeth, so it's as effective as floss. Listerine, as easy as rinsing, as effective as flossing.
One point five million barrels of foreign oil every day. If only one third of us drove clean diesel, we could send it all back. Diesel, it's no longer a dirty word. I'm Jimmy Johnson and I recently became the spokesperson for Extends, the number one male enhancement tablet. I've been surprised at the one big question guys ask me these days. Does Extends really work? So if you want that maximum performance edge every day, I say go long with Extends.
I do. Five, five dollars. You made Subway five dollar footlongs famous, so to thank you we're making any regular footlong a five dollar footlong. Get that any regular footlong, piled high with flavor, five dollars. Join the celebration. Hey everybody, thanks for watching whatever video that was. Make sure to like it with a button and subscribe to our channel. And normally I do like a bit or like a joke or something like here. But instead, watch out for all these marbles. |
TheOnion | al_qaeda_also_fed_up_with_ground_zero_construction_delays | After years of delays, construction of the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower, built on the ruins of the World Trade Center, has finally begun. Joining us today are two of the project's most outspoken critics, Becky Draeger, public liaison for the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation, and Omar El Farouq, a representative for the Al Qaeda terrorist organization. You both seem to be expressing a sense of urgency for getting the project underway. Yes. What's the reason behind that? It's taken five years to lay a concrete base. I think that really says it all. We need a place to mourn and to reflect on the horrible tragedy of 9-11. Yes, but the important thing is that the construction proceeds quickly so that we have a large tower visible from many miles away.
And are you both happy with the design? It's okay. I'm happy that the subway system and transportation system is directly linked to it. I think that will prove very helpful. Yes, it is convenient.
Certainly, the large, sharp spike has many possibilities. Our organization proposed a design that I think would have conjured up images of all that we've lost. But your building is hard to see on, let's say, a rainy, cloudy day. We wanted more colors.
Should the site be used commercially at all? It's just time to get it completed for whatever function we use it. Certainly, and big business is always going to lead the way.
This is a good place for them to gather, a place where lots and lots of people- All kinds of people. Older people. Younger people. People in wheelchairs that cannot move quickly.
Yes. The president should have perhaps an office on the highest of floors. You want really important people there, so I say to them, build it and go there and wait. We need a place where all ages can gather and pay their respects and remember what it is that we've lost. Yes. It is our goal to continue to make places where people can go and mourn the death of their loved ones. Well, I want to thank you both for being here today. Coming up next, we're going to be discussing worm farms. |
dropout | black_mirror_episodes_from_medieval_times | Young Shepherd, why dost thou not tend thine flock? Why, the young shepherd hath put so much of his mind into this book that he hath become but an object, and I hath become sentient.
No! Be this even fiction. That could happen. That could totally happen. What happened? It hath happened. Nay.
I never see youngins without books in their hands. Never look up, walking around. Who's to say they won't go crazy and kill someone? I, obviously one must lead to the other.
Oi. There was never such a tale of woe to now, then when, who hath replaced his woe with a plow? Yorks! I have never seen such a convenient implement, such as this here plow. You know, I've been thinking about getting myself a plow. Behold, thine plow hath dug a hole unto hell. Ooh! Well, now I shall never get a plow. Oh, no, me neither.
You know, I heard this one was based on a true story. I believe it. Yes, I believe it. I believe it could happen.
What happened? The devil is everywhere.
Behold, I hath brought mine new technology across bough. Be that the same character from the first one? No, it's a new one each time. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah.
I have shot mine bolt, but it dost take too much time to reload. Take mine longbow. Alas, I have become too weak from the technology, and I cannot even hold it. And now I have the plague.
No! Strange twist indeed. But who can tell from whence the plague arrives? Now be afeard, ye goodly sons and daughters, for want of walking less whilst fetching water. Hark, and behold, what new technology be doth? Tis my new yoke. What lets me carry more water than before? But if thou carry us two buckets, mustn't then thou carry three? Then four? The number's greater still? Well-reasoned. That's what they told me, neighbor. You got a yoke? York! The convenience of the yoke has made me forget the Lord mine God. And now thou art more bucket than man, and we must store thee in the village square. No!
That'd be my favourite one. That one would somewhere be the top. Well, that'd be why I like it.
Oh, you know, the town crier hath ranked them all from best to worst, including the Christmas place starring John the Ham. Oh, I love John the Ham.
You're too such a handsome man. All five teeth still left. Wow. Hmm. What? Technology will truly be the ruin of us all. Yep. I'd love to go bury me eight, son. But you coming? Nah, I've been to enough funerals this morning. Think I'm gonna go cover myself in leeches. Alright. Yeah, pamper yourself. You know, that's what you see. Sure. Self-care. Hey gang, Brennan here.
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There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today. Or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
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SaturdayNightLive | dakota_johnson_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Dakota Johnson! Thank you very much. it is so great to be back!
Hosting Saturday Night Live. Hosted was right after the Snl 40th. I was actually in the audience for that special.
Look at this photo. look at this collection of people. Sarah Palin, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and look who's sitting right behind me. it's just crazy to be standing so close to someone who would become the most powerful person in America. have a new movie coming out. it's called Madam Webb. in the Marvel Universe, and it also stars Sydney Sweeney. So it's kind of like if A.i. generated your boyfriend's perfect movie.
I've been doing a lot of press for it, and I'm just not good at talking to journalists. I think the big problem is that I say stuff, and then they write it down, and it's really unfair. because most of the time I'm joking. even when I was a kid, I didn't take interviews seriously. look at me on this red carpet with my dad when I was seven.
Well, they're my biggest fans, and the best barometer that I have. And they love the show, So.
I'm so excited to be back at Snl. a sort of reunion for me and Justin Timberlake. actually in a movie together called the Social Network. Shut up. Whoa. I remember those days, Dakota. Justin, what are you doing up here? are you lost? I heard my name. I thought that was my cue. Oh, no. no, you're the musical guest. Okay. well, if you want me to be in sketches, I have hosted before. Well, that was ten years ago. was it that long?
Well, I mean, either way, I'm so happy you chose my show for your comeback. it's a. hmm, comeback. is that what we're calling it? Okay. yeah. I mean, comeback in a good way. Oh, okay. I see what this is. this is where we make a joke, like, first he was bringing sexy back and now he's bringing coming back. I phrase it like that. well, yeah, you're right. now that I've heard that out loud, that was. sorry.
Anyways, just want to say good luck. thank you. and you're gonna crush it. Thank you. and I'm here if you need me. Okay. thank you so much. are we doing it? I'm here to say break a leg. Okay. these are my normal clothes. break a leg. before we start, I just want to say this is my favorite place to be, and I'm so grateful to be here. we have got a great show for you tonight. Yes, baby! so much. it is so great to be back!
Hosting Saturday Night Live. Hosted was right after the Snl 40th. I was actually in the audience for that special.
Look at this photo. look at this collection of people. Sarah Palin, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and look who's sitting right behind me. it's just crazy to be standing so close to someone who would become the most powerful person in America. we have a new movie coming out. it's called Madam Webb. The Marvel Universe, and it also stars Sidney Sweeney. kind of like if A.i. generated your boyfriend's perfect movie.
I've been doing a lot of press for it, and I'm just not good at talking to journalists. I think the big problem is that I say stuff, and then they write it down, and it's really unfair, because most of the time I'm joking. even when I was a kid, I didn't take interviews seriously. look at me on this red carpet with my dad when I was seven. Well, they're my biggest fans and the best barometer that I have, and they love the show, So.
So excited to be back at Snl. a sort of reunion for me and Justin Timberlake. we're actually in a movie together called the Social Network. Shut up. whoa. I remember those days, Dakota. Justin, what are you doing up here? are you lost? I heard my name. I thought that was my cue. Oh, no. no, you're the musical guest. Okay. well, if you want me to be in sketches, I have hosted before. yeah, well, that was ten years ago. was it that long? Well, I mean, either way, I'm so happy you chose my show for your comeback.
Hm. comeback. is that what we're calling it? Okay. yeah. I mean, comeback in a good way. Oh, okay. I see what this is. this is where we make a joke. Like, first he was bringing sexy back, and now he's bringing coming back. I phrase it like that. Well, yeah, you're right. now that I've heard that out loud, that was.
Anyways, just want to say good luck, and you're gonna crush it, and I'm here if you need me. Okay. thank you so much. are we doing it? I'm here to say break a leg. Okay. these are my normal clothes. Break a leg. Before we start, I just want to say this is my favorite place to be, and I'm so grateful to be here. we have got a great show for you tonight. Thank you. |
dropout | kevin_hart_can_not_sing | Kevin Hart, he took the stand-up world by storm. He conquered the movie business. Now he's taking on the music industry with his new album, Heartbeats.
Rossette, I like that. I'm watching you girl, you're a real good dancer. I got a question. Can I get with you girl, can I do it? Yeah, guys let me get a little more. I got a little more of my voice in the headphones. I like to set the mood a little bit.
Should he bring that in? Yeah. I heard that's the alarm. Hey guys, is that this smoke or is that like smoke from a fire? Can you, are you hearing me? Get the volume up please.
Alex, that was just like Mariah. Get ready for songs like romantic shit.
Hepatitis, see yourself out of my life. Sorry, I called you the wrong name. Adult braces, girl. I didn't know you were sleeping. Am I too close here, guys?
Hey Gary. Who's Gary? Gary, go out there. Gary. Hey Gary. Gary. Hey Gary. Gary. Just smile, it's okay. Hey Gary.
Hear the track people will be talking about. The rejected theme from right along. Yeah, here we go. Tell me if you want to ride along with, with me. Check it out, I'm feeling nice.
With ice, ice who? Ice Cube.
That's my dude. Sometimes he eats a lot of food. It goes to his face. I told him that. You guys see me like this?
I was talking about riding along. Me and Cube, I just went on a tangent. That's a free stop.
Order a copy of Kevin Hart's first and only musical album today. I'm a good rapper, guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | jerrod_carmichael_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Gerad Carmichael! thank you. thank you very, very much.
I'm not gonna talk about it. I'm gonna be clear up top. I've talked about it enough. kept talking about it. kept thinking about it. I don't want to talk about it. And you can't make me talk about it. but-but-but-but-but I got a question. do you want to talk about it? Like, aren't you sick of talking about it? isn't it kind of crazy? it feels like we've been talking about it for so long.
I have. this is gonna really blow your minds. can you believe? it's been six days. Six days! This happened a week ago. doesn't it feel like it happened years ago? like, doesn't it feel like it happened when we were all in high school? like, it feels like it happened somewhere between Jamiroquai and 9-11. like, somewhere. a long, long time ago. Feels like we've been living in the wake of it our entire lives. It happened on Sunday. on Sunday! It's Saturday, bro. on Monday, it was exciting.
I'm not gonna lie. Monday, if this were Monday, you wouldn't be able to get me to shut up about it. I was talking about it all Monday. Tuesday, still talking about it. a little less exciting. because it stopped being about it. by Tuesday, it started being about a lot of proxy arguments and hair and black men and white people on Twitter. it was just. it was too much by Tuesday. by Wednesday, I wanted to kill myself. I don't really remember Thursday, but by Friday, by Friday, I made a vow to myself. I promised myself I would never, ever talk about it again.
Then, Lauren came into my dressing room. he was like, i think you need to talk about it. he said, the Nation needs to heal. turn your back on me, Lauren. the Nation needs to heal. I said, the nation needs to what? And you want me to do that? the nation don't even know me. the Nation has no clue who I am. I have to be. the least famous host in Snl. like, the least.
I was so excited to come here. thank you. I appreciate that. Just know, those claps did nothing for my self-esteem. I don't know what you thought you were doing. was it making it better? were you making it better? I was happy.
I was actually really happy to come here and talk to you guys and, like, introduce myself. I'm Gerard Carmichael, by the way. hi, everyone. Hello.
I have a new special out on Hbo. it's called Rapin. you all really hope that you watch. In the special, I come out as gay. um. which is nice, but unexpected response in New York. it's actually why I live here. If you say you're gay in New York, you can ride the bus for free, and people just give you pizza. Honestly, if you're gay in New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. this is.no, no, no. this is the gayest thing you could possibly do.
Like, I came out right onto the stage. I basically came out. like, this is. we're basically, like, in a Andy Warhol fever dream right now. like, Heal the Nation. I've been gay for, like, 48 hours, bro. like, there's so much gay stuff I got to do where I can heal the nation. I got so many homophobic cousins. I can't even heal my family. I'm gonna heal the Nation.
I was excited. I was excited to be here. like, I had a lot of things planned, stuff I wanted to talk about. actually, really, one.we got time. I just.really quick. I don't know how often I'm ever gonna be on live tv, and I know I'll never get to talk to him, so I have to do this. Barack Obama, you want to meet me at Camera two really fast? uh. hey, B, what's going on, man? you don't know me. I'm Gerard. nice to meet you. so.real quick. you just chilling right now? like, you just not.you just writing books? which is nice. I bought the last one, but it's, like, 900 pages. Anyway, you got us all hopped up on hope and change. and, unfortunately. I have some news for you, Barack. uh.and you're not gonna like this. we need you back because I. I think you're gonna have to talk about it. the nation needs to heal. we have a great show tonight. you excited? You excited? stick around. we'll be right back. |
dropout | h_alana_nobody_s_favorite_pop_culture_tv_host | Hey everybody, this is Helena coming to you live, it's NGTeeVee, it's where it's at in the studio today. In the big news, we're gonna get him, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Lil Bae, what's the name of the bae. Okay everybody, up next, we're gonna be number one, Hollywood hot goth, international correspondent Shino Pitbull, and he, in, he in it, win it. Okay everybody, bring him up, Sabrina Jaleese, here it is. Hey! Okay everybody, what's your name?
Sabrina Jaleese here with your hot goth. Okay, Helena, always here, okay, now what's the bae, what's the Hollywood hot goth, what's hot? Um, well I think Gwyneth Paltrow split with Chris Martin is really going crazy on the internet.
Okay now, what do you think about the Olsen twins? Which one, a fun one? Everybody get on a website, check it, win a William Hall topic, you vote. Kanye, Kanye and Kim gonna be at the wedding, and everybody gonna be, get, bring BYOB at the wedding. Okay now, who do you think it could be? What's going on with the Jay-Z Beyonce? Is it, is it, is it the one? Ah, well they've been married, they've been going strong, I think a lot of people sort of speculated when they first got together, whether they- speculation, he gonna be here later on in the studio, he gonna be dropping an album in a movie, Summertime. Okay now, if you think, if you're gonna be in love, who's, if you're gonna be in love, what's the, what's the love? Um, like Hollywood love? Everybody heard it? You heard it here first, she in Hollywood, I'm gonna be, get it, printing with twins.
Okay now, lastly before you go, if you got any advice for the ladies about how you're gonna be a lady, what you gonna say to the ladies? I'm not, I'm not really into gender roles. |
TheOnion | Delicious_Pie_And_The_Value_Of_Patience_Onion_Talks_Ep_7 | We take for granted the transformative speed of the internet and social media as a good thing. But in our rush for the present, we lose the perspective and patience that comes with waiting.
Take this pie, for example. My sister baked me this delicious pie.
And to prove that patience is an undervalued asset, I'm going to save it. I'm going to save it until I am finished with this talk.
As they say, there is no greater reward for a job well done than a tasty treat. I can actually taste that first bite in my mouth right now. In the time that it takes a story to be developed, researched, investigated, and written, we've already tweeted and digested. And I'm so sorry, but that pie smells so delicious up here. You have no idea. It's quite intoxicating, actually.
What we need to do is stop the demand for instant gratification. And it begins at home. Study after study after study shows that too much screen time greatly reduces kids' attention span and therefore makes it harder for them to focus in school and...
No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, you have to understand, my sister is very famous for her apple pies. She's won every pie contest that she's seriously competed in. It's amazing. Anyway, if this pie were a story, then an average American would have already seen it, would have immediately eaten it, and thrown out the tin by now. Mmm. You know, just because I can't eat the pie doesn't mean that I can't get ready for it, right?
And you need to give it time to sit on a sill. So it's not too hot and not too cool. It is just right. And now that I have finished with my talk, I can finally have a taste of that delicious pie. Here we go. Excuse me. I'll draw my bib here. You know, that's okay. I can wait. I can wait a little bit longer. Because it will make it that much tastier. I've been looking forward to this.
No! Stop! Stop eating it! You're not even enjoying it!
I waited for that pie, and she worked really hard on that pie for me! Stupid dog! That's my pie! My pie! Stupid dog! I can't believe it's hungry!
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud. Reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste the cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America. |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_4am_you_wake_up_to_this_on_the_tv | And it's completely reversible. That's $59.99 clearance price. Now moving into our menswear lineup, let's kick things off with these wonderful pleated chinos, or plinos, from Dilson's Fun in the Summer line. Oh my god.
These are an everyday pant, perfect for riding a bike, buying a bike, looking for a bike you lost. I wore these the other day while bike shopping.
Wow, what is that? I've never actually done one. It's similar to a car. These come in a delightful cigarette brown, farmhouse cheddar, or cream. And the wonderful thing about them is, the pleats are on the inside. Love that. Take a look at these buttons because, oh. Wow. So these, so these, goodness.
The pleather lining, did I mention that? Does it have pleather lining? I don't know. But let's move on to the goo-boo jeans from Tiger Tank.
Real quick, I want to thank our sponsor, Zilber. I have Zilber premium and I'm never going back.
Now let's take a look at those jeans. Okay, so these come in teen, great. That's the color, not the size. And we also have casket white, as well as trisket. Very nice. Yes, this has a built-in belt. And a front pocket. That's cool. Don't. It's not very roomy, but it's flattering. Certainly not flattening.
I think we should move on. I also think that.
These brand new boot cuff pants from Sony. They're a Sony pant, are tempered for any weather.
Whether it be rain or snow or a gentle breeze. I'd love to demonstrate the new EZ Glide zipper. Jesus. But I don't have time. So you'll just have to trust me. It's a good, strong zipper.
Has to be. I have an idea. Let's focus on the back for the rest of this. Great idea. Great. Shirts. Yes. I know we were scheduled for shorts, but I think we should do shirts now instead. Yes, yes. Let's do that. Wow.
Does it have leather lining?
I don't know, but let's move on to the goo-boo jeans from Tiger Tank. I don't know, but let's move over to the goo-boo jeans from Tiger Tank. Just, just, just. I don't know, but let's move over to the goo-boo.
Every back. All right, let's start on the turn. We'll start on the turn. Okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_s_cameo_on_days_of_our_lives_snl | Like a little, like a new Paris song. Oh, hi, Mr. Trump. welcome to Days of our Lives. we are so excited that you were doing this cameo for us. I'm really, really very jazzed about this. my Emmy award-winning performance on the episode of Days is really going to boost your ratings. it's going to be the most dramatic, theatrical, high-rated performance in the history of daytime television. Wow.
Okay, well, um, all I need you to do is stand on your mark and just read your lines off those cue cards. Here's how I'm going to do this. I'm going to stand on my mark. I'm going to read my lines off the cards.
Super. Uh, Arianne, we're ready. Okay, hello, Mr. Trump. it's a pleasure to be working with you. I'm Arianne. wonderful to meet you, Adrenium.
Okay. places and action. Oh, my God, you're the Donald. that's right. what are you doing here in Salem? I'm here to monate a lot of dunny to the Horton Foundation. Cut! yeah, uh, we're not moving on yet. I think you mixed up a couple letters there. instead of saying donate money, you said monate Dunny. So, we're just going to do it again. you know, just take your time. And again, just read what's on the cue cards, okay? I felt a little flat on that take, so I'm going to spruce this one up with a little more flair, Marlon Brando-style. Armenian, you're doing great. Thanks. it's Arianne. Places! action. That's right.
I'm here to donate the money. I donate the money.
The Godfather. let's see Marlon still do that. Mr. Trump, you can't really do an Italian accent here because you're playing yourself, so it would be very confusing. I think it was kind of confusing when I did that accent.
Yeah. So, just read the cards. you watch what I do. I'm about to take you on a journey, both of you, of laughter and tears. Not only is it going to win an Emmy, but the ratings are going to be Huge. Well, that sounds great. I'm having a ball of premium. it's Arianne.
Places. I say Places. And Action.
Oh, my God, you're the Donald. you want the truth, you can't handle the truth. I'm the Donald, and I love that our lives are made up of these days. cheer, tear, tear, tear, and freeze in Tableau. And in Tableau, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The Africans. Cut, definitely cut. definitely cut. I love that. I'll tell you what that was at a mommy that was acting. what's next?
Yeah, um, I think we're done. I really think we need to do more, a few more scenarios to make this a top-notch story.
Arch. Mm. mm-hmm. mm. Elementary. Sherlock Holmes. mm. What? No, yeah, I definitely think we're good. we should have enough to cobble a scene together. Mm.
Oh, my God, you're the Donald. that's right. I'm Don. No, Trump. what are you doing here in Salem? I'm here to donate a lot of money to the Horton Foundation. mm-hmm. |
dropout | all_nighter_perpetual_motion_machine | College Heavers is all murder! You guys ever play with this weird best toy?
Uh, no way. Dolphins give me the willies. Yeah, and I don't trust pendulums. Long story, here's why.
We're gonna be rich! We're gonna have it all! Money, mansions, cars, I'm gonna go tell off our boss. Mom, you better be sitting down! I've got big news!
You're a shitty little dollop of a man. You can take this job and cram it up your dick!
Because Murph and I got two tickets to the top, baby! Wow! Yeah!
Everything's gonna be different, ma. You can quit your job at the glue mill. We can bring Grandma in from out of the woods.
Hello, New York Times. I've got your new front page.
Greatest invention in history. Sorry, old dog. This past too sweet to share. You bastard.
Uh, guys, it's slowing down. Regular motion machine! Limited at cost energy. We're gonna be sorta well off. We're gonna have some of it all. Meals, a house, a car if it fits our budget. Mom, are you leaning on something?
I've got some mid-sized news. You're a reasonable, medium-sized dollop of a man. So take this job and cram it on monster.com. Because Murph and I got two tickets to a lateral career move, sir! Woo!
Things are gonna be different, Ishma. You can go part-time at the glue mill. We can bring Grandma in on weekends if she promises not to eat too much.
Hello, New York Times. I've got your new page six. Greatest invention in this room.
Sorry, old dog. This past too basically edible to share. You bastard. Mmm, guys, this dolphin part came off. Not a motion machine! We're not okay financially. We're gonna have to sell some things. Hair, teeth, kidneys. Hello, Mom?
Are your legs good and strong and underneath you? You're a big, handsome dollop of a boss. So take this job and please give it back to me.
Because I'll do anything, baby. I'll fucking suck your dick, man. Seriously, I'll do a fucking anything.
The pie's no good.
I know, buddy. I know. You did this. You did this! Perpetual motion machine!
Please don't do this. Don't do it. Don't click me anymore, please. |
CrackerMilk | how_gen_z_eat_out | Thank you so much for coming out. Oh no, no worries. I know I got desperate, so. Well of course, I'm going to bring you out and I find out you have massive tears.
Alrighty guys, are we ready to order? Yeah, the lady will have the lamb ragu and I will have the eye fillet steak thanks medium rare. Excellent. And also what YouTube video pairings would you have at the meals? The lamb ragu, the chef recommends a best of Stewie Griffin season six to eight compilation. Oh. You could also have a two and a half hour retrospective on a PS2 game no one's heard of. Sounds good. And what about the steak? The chef recommends a Hassan Paika best of compilation. Oh, not really my thing.
Or my personal favorite formal Asian men building a pool in their backyard. I'm going to go with the formal Asian men building a pool for 20 minutes.
Oh, actually, you know what? I think I might just get a montage of subway surfers on an iPhone. I'm going to have to check your ID. Oh, um. That's a pair of breasts. Hey, guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Crock-A-Mole podcast is on a separate other channel called the Crock-A-Mole podcast. So you can go and check that out.
Are you drunk? No, dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You mean drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
cracked | star_wars_batman_v_superman_and_more_at_comic_con_cracked_responds | A lot of news coming out of Comic Con this week. Yeah, I agree.
We did not attend. No We know that shows not you and this is why because we have all of the things that all those people Saw without having to be anywhere near them.
Yeah right here. They released this reel for the upcoming Star Wars movie I'm excited for a Star Wars movie again. It feels like being a kid again if I was a kid in the late 70s Yeah, it's like that good. That's magical. The music is new but it feels familiar and I hope it's in the movie They're all mumbling Real sets Practical effects really feels like they're going out of their way to shit on George Lucas by not without not saying George Lucas. We have real sets. It's all very practical not like Other movies you perhaps seen right look at this ugly puppet. We made we're doing it right like that was Mark Hamill you insensitive No mention of George Lucas at all. They don't even say like oh, yeah This was created by a person. Yeah, it's like the magic of Star Wars. It just appeared Yet keeping one foot in the pre-digital world. They're showing us. Yeah, it's shot on film stuff It's important to some people that it's shot on film. That's fine.
It seems like it's way easier than I shoot on film There's a green screen I can die now. It's like the guy playing the stormtrooper said that he could die now, which is statistically very likely Just kind of lighting shit up for no reason cool What am I doing? How life has led to this moment? Simon Pegg is in this movie.
That's a scoop, right? Yeah Look it's chewy everybody. I think we've worn the suit out.
How many free drinks has he gotten in his life with the noise like how many? Probably more than I get when I make that noise places I Show up to my favorite bar.
I go You don't get to build an x-wing every day or a Millennium Falcon. I just want Millennium Falcon blueprints Yeah, I just want to have that as like Waller That's cool, I want that as a ride I want to be able to yeah do that I have some weird guy in a trailer pilot it for me. That's fine Weird that they put a helicopter in this movie. Yeah, I think well, it's crossing over into our world now The time is gonna line up. They're gonna end one of the trailers and I'll be like, all right I'm gonna go back to pilot the Millennium Falcon.
It was great to meet you president Reagan No, there are there ducks There are ducks in Star Wars. Yeah, what do you mean? Alex is right in the in the official like novelization of Star Wars Obi-Wan's talking to Luke and he's like, oh, yeah You compare something to a duck and Luke's like what's a dog? He's like, uh, tell you some other time I would like to think that in the Star Wars universe having been to earth is like having been to Europe like you lord it over Like oh you haven't been there look at me flapping my gums like a couple of ducks.
You wouldn't understand Same room as all these legends and with all these new people who I'm sure want to be legends themselves Yeah Oh, yeah, what kind of scheme is that minion up to carry fish is gonna change Abrams You just know what's gonna be like in the cinema It's really crazy to me that I've never seen her speak like I'm actually in love with her. I can't instantly It's it's just saying how quickly that happened if you tell me she's 15. I'm gonna fucking kill myself They're just really harping on how not the prequels this movie is They don't they don't show a dumpster where they're throwing the last of the gun gun stuff They don't take what else came out of comic-con.
We got Batman Superman Dawn of Justice trailer. I'm gonna yeah go to sleep It is gloomy as well the Warner Brothers logo doesn't need to be gray today It's a day for truth So how Superman entering the building because he's capable of flying he can go anywhere But he lands back to them right in front of them like it's up Didn't land on the stairs just landed lands, and I was like She's a senator now here's Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne Okay, watching this building get destroyed who you calling right there Bruce Wayne, right? Elsa why offer this laser shooting out of our building better do something about that then yeah running towards his own death Yeah, oh you found a child Impossibly his powers don't include like imperviousness to Where's Aquaman he's supposed to be in this right Aquaman Dozens killed that's not a whole lot for a building collapse. That's insane. Did you see that newspaper? Oh my goodness that could be a story about what accident stay on the spectrum of building collapses goodness gracious because for a while they it seemed like Batman was coming out of retirement because Superman is so powerful. We need to stop again But it's really he just destroyed his tower That's what the right thing is nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman It's some other thing It's like a period thing there they were gonna newspaper. Yeah People don't care about Clark Kent first Batman or print media I Seen that shot in selling superman holding stuff and there's never the thing is too big yet Right, like that's right. That would be the news.
Oh so far. It's always like oh, it's your man. Yeah He lifted the thing cuz he's superman. Yeah, it took a little longer.
There's never been one where he's like nope This is the one Where the f*** is Batman now? I hate this movie. He is not our enemy Like luthar does a whole lot of yeah, he's framing things with hands. Thank God. They spent all that time Explaining Batman's motivation and like a fraction of a second saying hey look Wonder Woman's in it, too The red capes are coming The red capes are coming the red capes are calling If you watch closely this movie also went to great pains to not mention George Lucas at all I Really hope Batman gives up that like he stands up, you know, what I was wrong You rip the doors right off I have to deal with this now I really like Jesse Eisenberg and When he does the red capes are coming. Yeah, I'm so embarrassed for him.
He got it likes luthar in a Batman movie That's a cool gig and he's like, I gotta do something weird and eccentric with it You missed buddy, man. Can you say those things and you're saying them like that? And he did this between magician heist movies, right What else happened? What else is everybody remember from comic-con there was a Brian Cranston Took down a fan in a big way took down a fan. Yeah, here's the headline I saw over and over again is Albuquerque guy gets owned by Brian Albuquerque guy kid grew up in Albuquerque, clearly a child clearly nervous my hometown. He's yeah, he's terrified Did you have fun Yeah, go and visit your mother once in a while There's an incredibly rude thing to do I mean it's Funny man, the crowd's eating it up. Yeah Gets oh, I don't understand what that guy's crime was right getting owned is like Yeah, this guy was a real dick to me and I said it back right to a target deserves Ridicule and derision and then receives it right and then we class I've traveled two states and slept outside for two nights to be in this room It is so wildly expensive to go to comic-con. He didn't think for a second. Yeah, like well, I could do a mom joke right now I could say his mom. Yeah Guy just had an experience that probably made him feel very small and then he walked out of that room into like the biggest Human crush in America, which is such as walk out the door in like nine Deadpool strip Any other questions?
No, and none of us have any questions Release bunch other comic-con trailers. They're all like shaky I don't as a public service announcement to people who film trailers at comic-con What are you fucking doing? The rest of us are counting on you also like super easy just on these Trying to watch the Suicide Squad one and as soon as Harley Quinn shows up this maniac Another comic-con well skipped Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching click here to subscribe click here to watch some other videos Have a good day.
Those are the things You win. It's five bucks |
dropout | jordin_sparks_imitates_other_musicians_middle_of_the_night_show | Tonight, I face off in the fiercest musical competition of my career. It's the middle of the night. Showdown!
Yeah.
Middle of the night for Showdown Musical Town. In this showdown, we'll each get cards with a famous musician and a list of forbidden words. Our goal is to get our teammate to guess that musician by singing an impromptu song in their style.
The team with the most correct guesses wins the game and the coveted champ stamp. Champ stamp.
Let's get psyched. First up, Miss Jordan Sparks. Wow. Okay. Let's go.
One of the greatest artists of all time. Yeah. Greatest artists of all time.
Jackson? Michael Jackson?
Yes. That was beautiful. Easy. Next one up. Oh, come on.
I have scuffs on my microphone. And I have a big mouth.
Do you remember that movie with Ben Affleck? He was making animal crackers dance on that girl's stomach.
Round two. I sing like dancing. I'm one of the biggest artists in the world. A little bit older, probably your mother's generation. Uh, they put their music on your iPhone without you. That would have been my clue. I was in a movie. I was in my home state. Yeah, sometimes I talk like this. Eminem. That was amazing. Round three.
I was really young when I started and now everybody hates me. I was really known for my hair.
Oh, oh, buzz it. Where are you on that?
I got really into the gym. I was just nodding. My first name is the last name of a guy who was in the NBA. And my second name, my last name is when you put your eyes together.
It makes a what?
A wall? No. Who would be weird for me to film? Jordan's guard.
Final round. So guys, it's a tie. Tie. I'm going to give both of you one card and you guys are going to sing a duet.
That's a lot of words. Sure. Okay. Are you guys ready? Okay. English group. Oh. Year 2000.
You can use her. You can just shout it. You have to know those kids. You can not. Don't listen. You can use her. What a cowardly way to win.
Bring out the champ stamp. Camp stamp. |
dropout | thicc_cyborgs_featuring_rekha | Hey Caldwell, are you hearing this song that keeps playing on repeat in my mind? Yeah, everyone's hearing that. Your brain is one of the top channels on the Satan satellite network down here. It just sounds like styrofoam being rubbed together and then just a real, real fresh dance beat underneath. All rise, be alarmed, be ready for the great cartoonening that is about to befall ye.
Hey, Managar, hey, hey, Managar, how's it going? Not too good. My bosses have kind of caught wind of the fact that you've just constantly been producing failures.
Yeah, that's what we do. This is next one, no more half-assing, no more lollygagging, and God forbid, if we even dilly-dally for a second, it's going to be our testicles on the Hammerstone. Oh, man. Oh, no. Yeah. I hate that. That's my least favorite stone. This week's topic is from a really great demon. He just goes by a taco and he says, draw a cyborg music band, you know, with instruments as body parts. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, we won't do any lollygagging on that.
No, no, no, I want to get right to work. There is a catch. Because the pressure is on, they've brought in some extra oversight for this project. Oh. You're about to deal with the best of the best. She's my personal supervisor. All right, let me get her in on this hell call.
Eggman, is that you? Yes. Are you seeing? Yes, I see. I see.
Hi, Managar. Hi, how are you? I'm averting my eyes. Good. Happy to hear that. Hi, little boys. How are you? Nathan Caldwell. Hi, Eggman.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, you have a nice little office set up. Yeah, it's very warm. Mm-hmm. It's very warm in here.
Yeah. But we don't sweat. I wish I could, but it just stays inside and kind of like rolls around in my stomach. Yes, it's kind of, you know, what you deserve. So that's good. Mm-hmm. That's good. Just don't mind me today. I'm just here to observe. I'm a little fly humanoid on the wall, you know? Mm, sure. So you do everything as normal. Okay, great.
Well, I'm going to go ahead and get us started here, Nathan. I feel like I've got a great idea. Yeah, we better get into it. My thought is, I want to take a real literal approach here.
Cyborg music band, where their appendages are instruments? Yes. I'll just go ahead and draw like an actual cyborg. Sure. Just like real true to the definition kind of humanoid, because, you know, there's a difference between an android and a cyborg, I believe. Right. The cyborg has some biological components, which I think you need to get the real emotion and emotional resonance of music. Exactly. I don't want music created by an algorithm. Hey, boys? Yes. I hate to interrupt. Okay. I'm noticing the way you're drawing this cyborg. Yeah.
Does he need to be so sort of gaunt-looking? I wonder if we could beef him up. Beef him up like you want him thicker or more muscular?
What are we thinking? I'm thinking thick. I'm thinking wide. I'm thinking huge. Why?
I think that's sort of what sells nowadays. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just stretch him out. Just stretch him out a bit. Yeah. There we go. How's that feeling? Yeah.
I'm wondering, just for giggles, does he go wider? Does it go wider? We can try.
I don't. I mean, the canvas, I'm going to run out of canvas at a certain point.
I like the idea of a leading musician who is as wide as the stage they perform on. Oh, that's true. He's like a stage. Maybe he's the stage himself. I mean, like, he's got a presence, to be sure. Yeah.
I mean, this kind of works in with what I was actually planning. So honestly, Agman, you've only helped me. I'm just going to keep him as wide as possible.
But what I am thinking I want to do here is just give him a keyboard, kind of like popping out right here. Oh, keyboard belly. Yeah, keyboard belly.
I mean, this is like a Korg. It's like a cykorg, I guess, is how you would describe him. Interesting. So he's like half cyborg, half Korg. Now, I'm noticing the way you're sort of drawing that keyboard, it seems rather rather thin. Now, OK, is there any way that we could perhaps get it a little wider, wider?
OK, well, that seems to be kind of the flavor of the day, huh? Literally, I'm just thinking about our demo, you know, young women in how wanting to watch something, they're going to want a little treat. You know what I mean? The sex sells. You're going to want a snack for sure.
So why it goes all the way around. Yes. Oh, no, that's interesting. Like a full kind of like a circular bar, kind of like a floating island of keys. Yeah, that way, he's got keys everywhere, never runs out of space. Exactly.
Tickle the ivories. Does he have like a fun catchphrase? We can give him something, something that people can really latch on to. I just want to make sure we're marketing this the way that we should be, you know? I'm open to anything. Nathan, you want to help me brainstorm maybe some catchphrases for this fun fellow?
That's the Keys Knees. Interesting. You know, maybe like I'm tickled by that. I'm tickled by that is pretty good. I do want to just kind of shove as many keys in here as I can. Oh, yeah. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm just going to put some in like the do like a little mouth thing right there. He's got kind of like a like an Islander vibe a little bit. Yeah, like this feels like a grass skirt almost to me. Oh, that's good. Nicole, I hate to interrupt. I'm noticing these legs. They're kind of little chicken legs.
Is there any way that we could go wider? I mean, I'll I'll see what I can do. Agman, I'm really we're really stretching the boundaries of reality of what's possible with with art.
But you want some tree trunks. I'll give you tree trunks.
Ma'am, I live to serve. So maybe just like how about like that? Oh, babe, like he's got some big jinkos on if somebody were wearing some big jinkos, but then they took off their jinkos and it was just all flesh under there. It's like a hideous tree trunk of flesh kind of like that. Yeah, that's speaking to me. I want this to sort of be like our magic Mike, you know, I'm feeling very aroused looking at those legs.
This is just like this is like Baymax's shitty brother. Baymax is sexy brother.
You mean is there anything we can slap a little Yamaha on that keyboard? Maybe double this as some sort of branding exercise.
Maybe it's like right. Just like right here. Yeah, since he is such a fucking snack, I'm going to make it say yummy. Huh? Oh, terrific. Just like right there. Just slap that on. Yeah.
Is that his name? Can that be his name? I think yummy has definitely this big tubby piano boy's name for sure.
Yeah, I just have one last thing I need to do, which is just given just these little like, yeah, yeah, just a little little flourish. Yummy. I was ready for the stage floor. Nathan, would you please draw your cyborg band member? Yes. Oh, my God. I'm so excited.
Is the entire band wide or is or is this sort of the gimmick of is Yamaha the wide member? I think Yamaha is our our sex, our sex man for the band. So when you'd like the more sensitive band member now, I think, OK. Yeah, maybe maybe he's sort of the the long two. Oh, perfect. To Yamaha's wide.
What instrument is this, though? Because currently you've just drawn like a snake man. You've just drawn like Inspector Gadget's emo cousin. Well, OK, well, you know, maybe he's just got like some some flutes coming out of a flautist. Uh huh.
This is Flutist Brutus. Flutist Brutus. Flautist extraordinaire.
I think he does have a does just have one sort of attached to his face as well. He's like a robotic millipede made of flutes. Yeah, I like that a lot. Does he slither or does he use? He can never touch the ground. That would sully his flutes. Yeah, which he does have to put in his mouth.
I am going to give him just sort of like a cool hat. Yeah, he's the sensitive boy, but he's also very fashion forward. Oh, maybe just like a tie. Oh, I like that.
And Nathan, I hate to interrupt. Is there any way via the tie, via the hat, we can indicate that he is single. We need people to be like clamoring for his attention. If someone found out he had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I feel like no one would go to see this band. He's the sensitive one. Could we take a page from the Jonas Brothers playbook and give him like a big promise ring, just indicating that he's saving himself?
Yes. I don't know what a promise ring looks like, so I'm just going to put a big sort of gemstoney ring. Great. Around the tie. Another one on the hat. Great. Oh, I like that.
Yeah, I mean, maybe just like maybe he's holding a sign in the coil of his tail that just says like, I've never had sex. Beautiful. So this is Flutus, and he's the sensitive one. Yeah, he's never had sex, and he's not afraid, he's not ashamed to let you know that, because maybe you could be his first.
So he's just got just sort of like a classic Wile E. Coyote style. Yeah, for sure. Just piece of poster board tacked on. I don't think that he actually has like a tongue or any means of creating glottal noises. I think he's just got like a hole that he shoves the pipe into. Yeah, but oh man, what a melody. For sure. Maybe just he's got some like cool streaks in his hair. Oh, lovely, yes.
God, what a heartthrob. This is going to be the cover of Teen People magazine. I don't know what he is, but he definitely is throbbing constantly. And he's very phallic, so I think that's going to work in his favor.
We need like one more band member, obviously. You know, we've got our front man, we've got our baby.
We need kind of like, you know, like a rhythm, a bass, kind of like the rock, the foundation. Yeah, so I'm thinking maybe just like just one of them tall drums. Ooh, not a bongo, but like a... A congo.
Ah, oh, he's a little spider. He's like a little...
Yeah, I like the robot spider. I wanted to get that in. That's a classic, yeah. I would say a classic robot archetype.
Are those his eyes down there? Because I'm seeing two eyes down at the bottom, and it's kind of cute. They weren't when I started drawing it, because again, I figured eyes would go on the face, but you know, who am I to say where the eyes go? Yeah, maybe he's got some eyes down here, and then some arms to hold the drums. Oh yeah, sure.
You don't use drumsticks for the type of drum I drew, but this guy doesn't know that. The drumsticks are not for playing the instrument.
They are just to clap together to indicate the start of a new song. I think that's great.
What's this guy's name? He's a bongo, he's a congo drum, crongo. Because he's kind of wrong. He's kind of wrong. He's kind of a crime against humanity, and he's also a crab and a congo.
So we've got crongo, we've got yummy ha, and we've got flutists. What's the name of their band?
Oh, how about relative peace at the library? Oh, eyebrows, perfect.
This is a very emotive crab drum. Yeah, what do you think his voice is? Oh, I think he's like very worried all the time, and he's got like a real snivelly voice.
Guys, guys, we gotta play the next song. Nathan, I do realize we have forgotten one crucial aspect of the band, and I would love to add it in if possible. Yeah, please. The one thing that we've forgotten here, y'all, is a singer.
Oh yeah, none of them really have mouths that would work. No.
Good. Agman, I'm gonna kind of take a swing, and I understand if you're not gonna be into it, but. We've got this big, wide guy, and he's fun, but what if there was someone even wider? I'm loving the direction this is going. Wait a minute. So, yummy, how's the whole thing? Is there the wide one?
So what I'm thinking there is, you remember those animatronics that you would see at a pizza play, like a showbiz pizza, or like a country bear jamboree type thing? Oh, oh god, you drew the edges, the bounding of. Oh, it's a Furby. I'd draw a Furby. It's gonna be a Jason, for sure.
I think, like, that's a point of inspiration, I would say. They did sing, didn't they? And they were, I would say they were of hell.
I am gonna make these hands. He gets up on stage and he's like, are you guys ready? I can't hear you. And he, like, makes a pointer finger and points it towards. Called, well, for product integration, can the nose be the microphone? Absolutely. Thank you so much. Do you want it to be kind of like a pointy one like that? Yeah. I'm getting away from the mouth.
This is a good band. This is a great band. Do we come up with a name for the band yet?
I like relative peace at the library. I feel like it makes about as much sense as everything else we've come up with.
Thinking about the actual show. So like a typical episode, they're on tour and they get into some sort of sub mischief. There's a lot of sort of band drama. Is this a drama or a comedy? I think it's like, yeah, it's definitely situational comedy.
I feel like they're either solving mysteries or causing them. I think it switches to week. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, like some weeks they might be like murdering an old man at an amusement park for his gold. And other weeks they might be like, you know, helping a kid find his long lost dad. But then every episode just sort of ends with a fun musical number that sums up the adventures that they've had.
So is the name of the show relative peace at the library? No, I think the name of the show is something like Robo Goofers or something like that. Maybe, you know, maybe it would be the name of one of these kids. Do we give this guy a name yet?
Oh yeah, that was a great one. They went to the moon and suffocated an astronaut. It was wild.
I can't believe that this is a children's show. Oh Lord, no. Oh God, we're not ready yet. The Crimson Flame has a lit. Oh shit, oh. Okay, we got this, guys. Hands in the center. I can't reach you because I'm in a TV screen, but. Yeah. I'm so nervous. Arise, cartoon-o-tron. Please judge this cartoon, which we have presented for ye.
I am ready to rock and roll. I am here to audition for the band. Give me a song and I will sing it. Oh, cartoon-o-tron, you know your job is to make cartoons and not sing. No, dammit, daddy. I want to be in the rock and roll band. I learned how to play the dulcimer.
Well, you know, that's just not what you're here for. I'll never forgive you.
Turns out the ghosts of the amphitheater was none other than old man McCreary, the ticket salesman.
I keep telling you, I wasn't trying to scare anyone. This is all just a misunderstanding. Well, then how do you explain this bed sheet? Sometimes I sleep here overnight, but just to make sure nobody steals anything, please let me go. A likely story. Time to find out who you really are. What, what?
No, no. Oh, guys, first he was a ghost. Now he's a zombie.
You said it, Flutist. Looks like another case solved by a relative piece at the library. Great work, everyone.
But should we get back to the show? Okay, so that was DRock's Far Out Futuristic Band. It's a crazy, kooky bunch of characters, but I think it's got a lot of potential. What did y'all think?
I'm super sorry to say this, little boys, but I'm gonna have to give this a huge thumbs down simply because maybe you can predict that not wide enough. Not wide enough? God, it's just our feeble human minds can only go so wide. Manicar, thank you so much for filling these little boys with false hope about even succeeding in the first place. It was an impossible task.
Wait, what? Honestly, I knew it from the very beginning that I was going to reject it. Just keep that in mind at this year's performance review. You'll see.
Did y'all know, we're still on the call. I don't know if you knew that. Yeah, we're still here.
We don't care. Oh, it's fine. You mean nothing to us.
Well, thank you. Good to know where we stand. Yeah, nice to know. You know, I think we all learned something. What did we learn?
That music can heal all wounds. I mean, I've got plenty of wounds. It's worth a shot. Yeah, let's try it. Okay, I'm gonna tune back in to the private radio channel where all of my friends and family berate me and see if that helps with the boils in my nether regions.
Wait, wait, Nathan, Nathan. There's a little floating skull outside and he's holding a sign in his mouth. It says dropout.tv. What is that? Oh, you guys are talking about Dropout, the new streaming video service that has shows from the team behind College Human Drawfee. Wait, that's us. Oh, Nathan, look, the skull, it's turning around. It's showing the back of the sign. It says you have worms in your stool.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Wow, this is for sure our protagonist. Yeah, this feels, honestly, I'm getting a real Peppa Pig vibe. I think we got a hit kids cartoon on our hands here. |
cracked | when_a_romantic_comedy_trailer_gets_serious | She was a lawyer with a bad case of OCD, PMS, and ADD. He was a live and let live garbage man with only one rule. No rules. But when fate intervenes...
No, I hate that! You hit me! I was paid! That is it! I am charging you two with having to live together.
I'm positive that isn't legal. And there's no legal precedent.
Whoa, bros before hoes yell for show. Ugh, why are we even friends? Two perfect strangers.
Well, according to his will, you two stand to inherit his fortune under the condition that you marry and raise your child together. Wait, we were talking about our court case. I'm pregnant?
You told me this was an abortion clinic. I thought it was.
When life throws you a curve... So you two play happy couple. Okay, maybe if we get to know each other in a normal, natural setting... Teach your heart to soar. Because the shortest distance between two hearts is right.
Wait, no, no, no! No. You can't just force people together and expect them to click. Only other times... Please son, make it work. Or maybe it isn't a magical solution to anything, dad. Why not also this?
I swear I'm going to fashion-tending on a rock. Fine, get the guy killed!
The hardest part of growing up is finding a way when you overcome your own dreams and make wishes as babies. Together. Happily. Happy. Family.
Coming this summer. It's a date movie. You might get laid. |
cracked | the_truth_about_the_verizon_guy_you_didn_t_know_cracked_responds | Hey guys, have you seen this new Sprint commercial? Uh, no. Let's watch it. Hey, I'm Paul. And I used to ask if you could hear me now with Verizon. Not anymore. There's a very interesting story behind this guy. He is actually an actor named Paul Margarelli, and he came out in an Atlantic interview in like 2011 talking about how he had a horrible time with Verizon. Can you hear me now? Then Sprint recently swooped in and grabbed him as their spokesperson. It's the benefit of being a free agent. I'm with Sprint now. Because guess what? It's 2016 and every network is great.
A little snarky and sneaky. A little banked real heavily that we're going to give a s***. I don't know though. I kind of like, when I first saw it, I was like, what's happening? Then I was like, why am I like, this is drama, but like drama that I shouldn't care about? Well, but there is drama, so it was more than just him not being happy with this contract.
So Paul is gay and he was afraid to come out when he was working with Verizon. He was afraid that anything he did would ruin his life. Yeah, that's a pretty, unfortunately, common story that you hear in the industry where it's like, well, you can be gay, but just don't tell anyone because that might hurt your job prospects. Verizon used to be very strict, so they wouldn't let him talk to anybody. They wouldn't reveal his name.
And they fired him over an email, so... That really sucks, actually. You know, because then he can't make his own stuff. He can't, right? That was a good thing. He didn't create his own work until after he was done with Verizon, but now he can be an actor. They're telling that a phone company fired him over email.
Like, not even they had enough food. Yeah, they couldn't even call him. They're like, no, they tried a bunch of times. They're like, I can't get them.
Just send an email. Can you hear me now?
Kind of the overall takeaway is like, most of these stipulations were self-imposed because I was afraid to piss them off. But... Why would he be afraid to piss them off? Yeah, but he's with Sprint now, so if you read the subtext, if he hated being a spokesperson so much for a phone company and hated the fame, why would he agree to do it all over again with a different company?
Because they couldn't hear him. They couldn't? And now they can. Can you hear that?
He plays himself in this, too. That's the difference. And the first one he plays, like he's an actor playing this Verizon technician. And now he's Paul Margarelli as himself. He says that in the beginning of the commercial.
Hey, I'm Paul. Hi, I'm Paul. But it has a happy ending because this commercial from Christmas shows Paul with his actual husband.
Why is this one twice as much? These commercials are also interesting because Sprint acknowledges that they are not number one, so their whole marketing campaign isn't that this guy switched because they're better, it's this guy switched, and they're all kind of the same. This one right here has 1% more needles. Why pay twice as much for only a 1% difference? We're like not the best, but we're like real good. They're also, I guess, they're sort of tacitly acknowledging that it's all bullshit, too, because they have the same spokesman and they're like, look, you know, whatever, it's a phone's a phone.
I do think it's interesting that they kind of do a switch of his original, like, can you hear me now? It's like, can you hear that? Can you hear that?
Interestingly enough, I think this commercial is effective because they make it seem like they're number two with only 1% difference. But Sprint's actually number four. Oh. Oh, shit. Yeah. Look, he's with Sprint now. It's a big coup. And we're like, okay.
That's not like, apart from Carmen, who was just like, oh shit. I did have that reaction. Yeah, I was emotional. Now that I know the backstory, it really matters to me?
I don't know. This is, I'm not a spokesperson, so... I don't know. I'm not condoning any of these companies.
You've gotten me invested, though. Like, just talking about, I'm like, yeah, this matters to me now. Everything about this matters.
So, hypothetically, into how many pieces would your universe be shattered if Papa John's face, like, split open and the noid crawled out of his Papa John costume? Like, how many days off of work would you have to take? A lot.
Hey, guys, the next live episode of The Cracked Podcast is happening March 11th, 7 p.m. with UCB Sunset Theater. There will be a link to Where to Buy Tickets somewhere on this screen. This month's theme is the best fictional locations to visit. Take a vacation to it. Do you want to go to Gotham, Cabot Cove, Maryland for Murder, She-Rope?
None of those, probably. We'll have good answers. Hope to see you then. |
dropout | no_one_cares_about_your_major | Wow, you're right, the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Yes, the one in Las Vegas is a replica, just like the Statue of Liberty. There's another Statue of Liberty? Yes, the real one is in New York.
It's a huge part of U.S. history. Did someone say history? Richard III was the last king in England to die in battle in 1485. What's the point of this? Well, the point is I was a history major in college, so I guess I know a thing or two about the subject. Yeah, I guess it's just totally irrelevant to this conversation. I don't get to use my major a lot, so I kind of have to jam in the facts wherever I can.
Well, that's kind of annoying. Okay, well, you're kind of rude. You do you.
Teo, what about that big pyramid-shaped thing in Vegas? Surely that's not based on anything. Raf, there are huge pyramids in Egypt. Why don't you know this? Ah, yes, the ancient Egyptians are credited with many important inventions, including ink, paper, and even toothpaste. Katie, what are you trying to prove? It's elementary, Rafael. My brain is filled with these useless facts about world history.
I need to use it, or else what was the point of it all? But you don't need to use it. Your major is totally irrelevant to your life now. Plus, you just called it useless. Did somebody say useless?
Astanix, Mexicanus, or cave-dwelling Tetrafish are completely blind yet have useless eyes on its head, which some scientists believe are a genetic mutation. Great, you too. Let me guess, majoring in biology? No, no, marine biology. It's even more specific than regular biology.
What about marine history? Ferdinand Magellan was the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean.
Whatever, people change. College is just four years of your life. Yes, Raf, four very long years that I took very seriously. So it all has to mean something to me now. Otherwise, it will be a complete waste of time and money. Okay, but you learn so many more things in college that aren't tied to facts, like critical thinking, time management. All those things are way more valuable. Your major doesn't have to define you as a person. What does it mean to be a person? Great, a philosophy major? Am I nothing more than a collection of thoughts, facts, figures collected through my collegiate study?
If I stopped talking about my area of academic study, did it even happen? Much like if a tree falls in the woods- Shut up! Just shut up, Ali.
I can't even understand you anymore. It's like you're speaking another language.
I don't care. Can't you see that? None of this matters anymore.
Speaking of seeing- Did you know the hammerhead shark's eyes are on the sides of its head? Giving it a full 360 degree vertical view.
Get that away from me. The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart. So not just everything that's gonna set you off. A blue whale's heart weighs 400 pounds. With Titanic piece, then sink me a ton. The weight of one's actions lie heavily on the soul.
No one cares what you majored in in college. It's only a small part of your life that usually has no bearing on what you do as an adult human being. Plus, you're all successful comedy writers. Isn't that what matters? This is a dream job. Just let all that other stuff go. What was your major, Raph? Is it? Sacre bleu. Good lord, why? You can major in that?
Visible identical to it. What's your question? How do you know that identical? How do you know they're identical? They're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I all done, I want my mom now. |
dropout | to_debate_a_predator | Now, the big debate is tonight, so Plum and me, we've been doing some debate prep. She's real good at it too.
Mama, can I drive the car around? No, baby. Why not? See what I mean?
Places, everyone, places. Haley, your moderator, Coach Nick, you'll take notes, Plum, you're there, and Mama, you're Kennedy. Okay, hold up. Let me get into character. I'm a bitch. Okay.
So I was debating Mama? No, you're debating Kennedy, so you're going to pretend that Mama is Kennedy. Got it. First question. Plum, what makes you a better candidate than your opponent? My opponent is a fat old lady who's going to die of a heart attack in like two seconds. Excuse me? I'm 31 years young and healthy as a hearse. No, Plum, you're debating Kennedy, not Mama.
That's confusing. Is it? Uh, what if we dressed Mama up as Kennedy? Let me see what I got. Now I did not have a Kennedy costume, but I did have the Predator costume, so I wore that. What is this? This is the Predator, this is one of my two, the Predator costumes. Now that's a real opponent. Fine.
Next question. Uh, Kennedy, what makes you a better candidate than Plum? Mama, that question was to you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Ah! Oh, shit! There he is! Whoa!
Remember, you're not the Predator, you're Kennedy, so English please. My bad, um, thank you, um, my opponent is a little girl. I am an alien monster with heat vision and cool arm blade. Objection! She ain't the Predator. She's my final mama in the Predator costume. Uh, fuck you, I am the Predator, stab, stab, I win, I'm Predator now. You're not the Predator and you're not Mama, you're Kennedy.
You hear me? Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy. Next question. Kennedy, what do you make of Plum's remarks about foreign exchange students? I'll say that.
Wait, I thought I was Kennedy. Well, see Kennedy, can I be the Predator again? I mean, Kennedy versus Predator, I would pay to see that.
Jesus Christ. Plum, you're Plum. Who are you? Say it seven times.
I'm Plum.
Oh, that was fun. Can I do it again?
No. Mama, you're Kennedy. Who are you? The Predator? No. You're Kennedy. Say it seven times.
This is the home of that sexual deviant I was telling you about. Sheila, I'm surprised at you. Aren't you being a little hard on her? I'm a brave, right, bro?
I think that debate prep went pretty good. But to find out what happens next, you gotta sign up for Black Panther. Well, let's drop out again.
Plum, it's a premium ad-free, uncensored comedy platform for the people who do College Humor. You know why I like him College Humor?
Oh. That granobot. Oh, yeah. He like a tall, sexy glass of milk. Yeah.
He kinda look like brain. I feel like he look more like Keith from Buzzfeed. Oh, you're right. Oh, yeah, he look like Keith from Buzzfeed.
Where'd you go? Go, go, go, go, go. |
cracked | the_new_5_second_films_movie_cracked_responds | Hey guys check it out You know five-second film they just check out this obviously our thing that I want you to look at first I can film They've got a new movie coming up. I just sent us the trailer Bro, looks like he's coming. Yeah. Oh, there's a lot of blood Well, I'm into that woman whispering yeah, I know I don't know if I can talk about that It's just So painful, okay, I'll try it's not on board. It's fine. It's fine movie Well, I mean, it looks like a piece of shit VHS movies frat and Chico. Look how great it is. It's VHS Gag well, I'm liking it more and more. I mean one thing is that this seems like a real great party Right now it's it's taking a turn use boxes and shit Great to stay from the room.
We can't do this anymore. Johnny's my best friend. This will be our secret It's dream boat. I mean there are a lot of dream boats in the movie righteous head of hair What horror movie does that the dude rose will taste their own blood I don't really watch horror movies This isn't a horror movie.
Yeah Oh my gosh, she's really talented. She's so She's really good.
Oh Guys are really attractive Sure I'm not as I'm You guys too. Oh, you don't care you don't even know our names. Yeah. Yeah, they do name us Todd no turtleneck turtleneck, bro flannel, bro lucky guess Wow Giving for the rest of us five-second.
I mean, right you can tell I've grown as artists How is anyone gonna make a movie after this? I know we should just kill ourselves Guys guys before we kill ourselves. What do you say? We all just see how much we can donate to these guys See where we can find it on on demand. That's a great idea Maybe I'm just mail us $20 bills. I mean them Friends to see it and then belt and then kill ourselves because no one will ever make anything as good and Do you guys want to go back to fucking working at cracked or whatever the fuck we do?
Oh, right. Yeah, I'm sore I'm gonna go be witty Hey guys, thank you so much for watching that if you want to see more of the guys from 5sf Look over here It's so warm Dude, bro party massacre 3 featuring these guys. Oh, yes. We're awesome. I'm so sweating so much right now, right? |
dropout | star_of_the_week_interview_rob_huebel | They were shooting this video for college humor. I did not write it. If it's funny, I will say that I fucking wrote it. If it's not funny, I didn't write it. Don't blame me.
I was addicted to crystal meth. I was blowing dudes for a living and I needed to make money. What's a great way to make money? Improv. I wouldn't want to just do improv all the time, but it is like the backbone of what I do. Like now writers and directors are like, oh, you can just make stuff up that's funnier than what we wrote? Yeah, let's just have that. You have to do your own thing. You have to write your own stuff and get it either on the internet or on TV. Period.
I would kill Lizzie's. I would kill Paul. I would kill Jason. Fuck all of them and then marry all of them.
What was your question? Do I prefer New York or LA? First of all, stupid question. You're an asshole. |
cracked | why_being_a_kid_in_an_adventure_movie_would_suck_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet, bold enough to hold up a mirror to society and finally, wait, sorry, just getting word that, nope, no, we don't do that, this is the show that makes fun of Pinocchio a lot, okay, got it. Today's nasty thing is, hey, look at us, we put kid in the same title as Sucks Big Switty Balls, that's new, maybe illegal, never checked, so I don't know, which I think gives me deniability, right? Yes, you can't spell denial without Daniel, probably, again, never checked, I don't know how crimes work, but I'm a satirist which makes me bulletproof, one would think.
Anyway, every childhood is basically the same, your limbs grow, you get yelled at by your parents, you play at recess, you get grounded, your body changes and it's awful, you're furiously horny, and so on. But movie childhoods tend to be consistently filled with peril. We have a whole genre from the 80s and 90s devoted to kids almost dying from magic adventures, and for some reason, we've chosen to completely ignore the dark epilogues those adventures imply, or rather, we don't ignore them, you ignore them, I'm not one of you, and here's proof. Unless they all die in the later seasons, the child heroes of Stranger Things are eventually going to have to get jobs, and not an interdimensional beast-slank job either, because they reached job-getting age in the 90s where most jobs were bullsh**. These kids grew up to be AOL CD peddlers, or blockbuster employees, or Miss Cleo, or something else that's terrible in 90s, but my point isn't that these kids are going to have a bad time by virtue of the fact that they will have to exist and have jobs in the 90s. I mean, yes, that's awful, but it isn't the main point.
The main point is there will be no other life experience nearly as challenging or fulfilling. Congratulations kids, you just saw the craziest, most awe-inspiring thing you'll ever witness with like 70 years left to go. At some point, Lucas from Stranger Things will go on a date when he's 18, and his date will ask him what he's like, or where he's been, or if he has any funny stories, and he'll be like, remember we were in the 80s when we learned for the first time that monsters exist and there were like four kids that fought them and rescued their friend from an alternate dimension? I was one of the kids, I was sort of the bummer kid, but still very involved. Since then it's been pretty hard to get excited by science, sports politics, my family, girls, mostly everything. My life reached its emotional peak at 12. I probably do lots of drugs now, it's kind of hard to feel any way about anything, and this applies to everyone who saved the world before adulthood.
Harry Potter's senior class project is defeating Voldemort after coming back to life like Jesus Christ. That's like if your pre-college European vacation ended with you killing Hitler with Poseidon's trident. It's all downhill, and he's not even legally old enough to drink dragon whiskey, or butter f**k rum, or whatever I still haven't seen or read your dumb wizard bullsh**. Hey, the eagle's back. Anyway, the worst part is that all the things Harry considered important at a young age like board games and sports and homework, those turned out to be the things that actually saved the world. Just like how the gang and stranger things actually used D&D as a tool to rescue their friend. While it doesn't seem terrible, imagine the inflated value of your teenage Call of Duty ranking or Steven Universe fanfiction actually winning a war.
Why would Harry Potter or Lucas, stranger thing, tell their kids study hard and pay attention in school, and why would their kids believe them if they did? How the hell will those wizard adventurers convince their own kids to study and hold down jobs when the most useful skill they've ever applied was booby trap solving and making light puppets to ward off fear rates. The Goonies have the same problem, as those kids will now grow up assuming that spelunking for rich stuff is the most efficient way to get ahead in life. And can you blame them? They save their families from financial ruin by running away on a pirate adventure. That's such an unpractical life lesson that I'm still trying to figure out the nuts and bolts.
Like, did Banks deal in pirate jewels more often in the 80s? The father tears up the paperwork like he instantly knows the value of those gemstones and exactly what to do with them. Was that just a thing people knew back then? How to like, spot price jewels?
Am I behind in life because I can't do that? Which teacher do I blame?
Remember this? Sloth, you're gonna live with me now. Hey, uh, what do you suppose happened after that arrangement? You know now that it's 30 years later and Chunk is presumably still bulk candy buying for a 60-something brain damaged giant? No, more likely Sloth was put in a metal facility the moment Chunk let his guard down. Do you think he kept visiting him after that? Did he spend his teenage weekends driving to Portland or wherever to spend time in some hospital like Laura Linney in Love Actually?
This is why most of these stories conveniently go to credits before we see the plucky heroes tasked with the logistics of magic friends and breaking federal laws. Elliot from ET basically committed earth treason to save his alien friend. You think the government is just gonna let him go be a happy child after that? Yeah, that sounds like the government. Kid has spent weeks psychically linked to a space goblin that just rainbowed off into the galaxy.
For all we know, he's some kind of X-man or totally sterile. And he's not alone. Hey, still radioactive. Hands off. Yeah, remember that tidbit? The transformers are f***ing radioactive, meaning that Shia LaBeouf has been driving around in a Chernobyl sarcophagus for three films.
It's grand to be an Englishman in 1910. Yeah, yeah, yeah. London in 1910. What a grand time to be alive. Surely nothing bad is going to happen to London in the following years after this film.
Speaking of explosive trauma, what are the odds that literally everyone in Harry Potter's graduating class is going to need intensive therapy? The Battle of Hogwarts wasn't some PG baby skirmish. It was an actual life-or-death ground war between giant spiders, Dracula-man, and ogres against goddamn terrified teenagers. S*** went down gross. People died screaming in waking nightmares. Just the smells of toxic decay and accurate magic wafting from the battlefield is enough to scramble someone's brain like a bag of otters. Not to diminish actual soldiers with PTSD, but the emotional wreckage that must come with seeing your cubby neighbor get eviscerated by wand beams is unimaginable. They would have to invent a whole new field of therapeutic study to treat that. So many child stars become drunks and drug addicts because tremendous fame is too much for a growing child to handle. What do you think would happen to child wizards who went to war together against the devil? Bad things is my top guess, but at least the wizard world is aware of such dangers. The Jurassic Park kids would not only require specialized therapy to quell the fear echoes from their weekends at grandpa's monster island, but will absolutely not get the therapy because of the engine cover-up following the movie.
I was there. I know what happened, and so do you. You signed a non-disclosure agreement before you went to the island that expressed the value of discussing anything you saw in the island of that agreement.
That means Tim's nightly flashbacks of sickening rot breath and high voltage electrocution will likely be identified as some kind of delusion. Any shrink will assume that his dinosaur fear symbolizes something less tangible instead of, you know, actual dinosaurs. And even when the truth comes out in the lost world, it's not like there will be support groups for people nearly mauled by ancient lizards. At least, not for a while. See, it's not just that these kids are forever damaged by the fun adventures they're going on, but that they're so fantastical in a horror that it's impossible to know how to help them. Because kid adventure movies by design have almost exclusively useless adult authority figures, how would these kids ever trust anyone authoritative ever again? How do you reassure a child that their father isn't going to shrink them down and eat them alive when that was totally a thing that almost happened?
So just to circle back to Poppins for a second. Assuming those kids do survive two world wars, how many memories do you think they'll retain from when they were sucked into a cartoon world by a cloud sorceress and her grifting hobo friend? I'm guessing it would be foggy at best, especially since Poppins f***ing gaslights them in real time about their insane adventures. May Poppins, don't you remember?
He won the horse race. A respectable person like me in a horse race.
How dare you suggest such a thing. I saw you do it. You are not another word or I shall have to summon a policeman.
They're in for a dark, terrible adolescence. As is this girl. How long is Sully planning to visit Boo after the end of Monsters Inc.? At some point she's gonna grow up and go to college with the vague memory of a big blue devil sneaking into her room every night. She'll probably have nightmares about endless doorways and bipedal chameleons and have no idea why.
I'm not blowing ass smoke.
Scientists attempting to learn the exact point we retain memories found that our physical bodies will often remember earlier events that our brains won't. This means that Drew Barrymore's ET character will likely go into confused screaming fits at the site of Reese's Pieces or that labyrinth baby will spend years of therapy trying to discover why glam rock bands induce panic attacks. Imagine you're 35 years old and on a date. You pass by a street performer doing a marionette show and out of nowhere get the haunting distant recollection that you were once an enchanted wooden puppet.
Yeah, I'm not done with you Pinocchio, remember? From before I will never be done with you. Recall that Geppetto's f***ing a hundred in that movie. Let's reasonably assume that Geppetto will die when Pinocchio is like 10 or 11. Pinocchio is going to grow up and go on dates and have dim fuzzy memories about having maybe been a puppet and the only person who could confirm it is dead. Pinocchio will get a girlfriend, go to her house, flip through a photo album that shows her baby pictures and suddenly think, huh, I don't think there's a single picture of me as a baby.
Why is that? I kind of remember being a puppet. That can't be right. I don't have any baby pictures but I do kind of remember being an unkillable puppet and also sort of a donkey for a time?
Is there literally anyone in the world who shares this experience? What is my blood type? Do I have one? No Pinocchio, no to all of that. No one has your experience and you have no blood type. You're alone in the world and you're wrong.
It makes you feel any better, so is everyone else. Oh, dark. Never mind. I don't actually feel that way. Everything's fine, Pinocchio.
You're great. Hey, you're great. Your blood type is AB. Congrats. That's a hot one.
Then whatever ties us to the zeitgeist. Bye. Hey everyone, thank you for watching this video. Make sure you like and subscribe and do all of the YouTube things. Let me know in the comments why your life is worse than Pinocchio's life. We'll do an episode about it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_worst_guy_to_have_at_your_funeral | Thank you so much for coming just right that way, thank you again. Oh, hey guys. Hey Chris, great job with the ceremony and everything. Yeah, I'm sorry about your guys' grandma, Kyle tells me you guys were really close.
Yeah, no more salted pipe for that old sea slut. What? You guys wouldn't get it. Mimi would have thought that shit was hilarious. We were super close like that. Really? Uh, I mean, that's cool, I guess. She was a salty hoe with a salty hole. Dude, come on. They called her the seesaw for Christ's sake. Dude, it's disrespectful. She would have thought that was funny! She was like that, okay? The bitch could suck the paint off a warship.
Keep it down. Yeah, your grandpa's like right over there. He'll tell you himself. Grandma's hoo-ha was, how do I say this while still respecting her honor, a mile deep. Ugh, Jesus.
Ain't that right, Peep-Pop? Pee-pee. Peep-Pop! He's, I, he's not, Pee-pee! So, she was fine with you calling her a snatch-tastic biz-natch? Yes!
She was bad to the bone, from her bunions to her cooch! Come on, dude. Sorry. Cooter.
No. Okay, maybe she was okay with hearing this, but we're not. No, you gotta stop, man. No. Don't.
Hey. Come on. It's alright.
He's grieving. He's grieving over here, yeah.
There's just so much I didn't get to say. Alright, just let it all out, I guess. Nemaw had turkey neck arms and chicken wing neck. Wow.
She used to call me her little lentil. And I'd call her an old canyon with bug legs and granola tits. Was this a nickname she had? I didn't know her super well, I guess. The bitch used to dip her fries in motor oil. She was obese.
Thanks. That's plenty. She had a Gundam collection. Chris, enough.
And her prune. Grandpa, no. A prune. Grandpa.
Oh my god. Sir. Oh my god.
Sir? We need a doctor. Sir.
He's dead. He was a bitch. Oh my god. He was a fucking bitch. He was a coward to the last. No more salty pipe for that old man. He was a bitch.
Oh my god.
He was a salty pipe for that old c-spot. Immediately I can't. Are you okay, Kyle?
Gam gam's clam looked like... Gam gam's clam looked like a yam.
Stop laughing. God dammit. |
SaturdayNightLive | brandon_tartikoff_show_ideas_with_eddie_murphy_the_whiners_snl | You tell the producers of this show that I am not going to appear in the next sketch. I mean, I am a Network President and I'm not gonna stoop to any cheap tricks to get a laugh.
Yes, Eddie Murphy to see you. Mr. Tardicov. Oh great sending it. I am not a clown. Hey, you want to see Mr. Tardicov? Eddie! My Man! what it is, What's happening? it's good to see you, Eddie. Listen, I want to talk to you.
See, a couple of my main men and I at Nbc have hooked up some program ideas for you that I think are positively bad. Well, um, why do you want me to look at some sketches that are terrible? No, no, I meant, you know, bad, you know, like good bad.
Oh, you're talking Negro. You're dressing Negro too, Brandon.
I'm not interested. I'm happy where I am right now. Hey, Eddie. yeah, I'm taught.
And once you just hear the ideas first, you know, I mean we're not talking about doing a late-night show like Saturday night. I'm talking prime time. I'm talking your own series. So you want to team you up with Jimmy Jj Walker. We're gonna call the show Ebony and Ebony. I'm not interested. you're a tough negotiator, Murphy. All right, we'll give you that show. And on top of that, we'll give you your own Saturday Morning Cartoon Show. it'll be about you and your family. it's called the Murphs. They won't be blue, They'll be Black, right? right?
See, I get it. I get it. Okay, what do you say? So, you don't understand.
See, I'm happy at Saturday Night Live. It's like home to me. And everybody up there were like friends. Hey, hey, I can understand friends. I can relate to friends. I mean, you know, some of my best friends are friends. I got the rest of the show.
Brandon, Eddie. I can make you bigger than Gary Coleman. My body bigger than Gary.
I am ruined. Tinker is gonna kill me. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Brandi The second worst thing.
And we want our own show. You Liners are a two-minute sketch. You're not a series now. come on. I've had a rotten day. I'm real busy here. Saturday Night Live. Why can't they love us at eight o'clock on Thursday? Because people have just finished eating dinner, that's Brandon. We want to be on prime time. Look, I don't know how much more straight I can put it.
I hate you. America hates you.
Even people with diverticulitis. We could be the new Honeymoon Honeymooners. Honeymooners is more like now. come on.
I told you once I'm busy. And besides, what makes you think that you know more about programming than I do because we're a Nielsen family, You know, the one with the box that makes the ratings? Douglas Wendela.
So you're the ones who've been watching the Fall Guy. We like the Fall Guy. So tell me about this diverticulitis. |
cracked | why_does_every_texas_movie_have_these_3_things_50_states_of_film | Ah, Texas. Tejas, before the dyslexic, taxes. A beautiful state known for its industries, its legends, its size, and an outlaw reputation that some would say is kind of wild.
["Wanna Get Wild?" by DJ Quads plays in the background.] Not that wild.
I've set out to find one movie that could represent each state in the United States, and Texas is a great place to start. Each state has a unique identity that requires blending one's knowledge of cinema and culture, which Texas does very well. For example, a good movie sure does make me hungry, and there's no place to have an appetite for film like Texas. It's a state that can take credit for the creation of the Alamo Drafthouse, a place where you can get indigestion from a steamy bowl of chili and watch your favorite actor take their clothes off for an Oscar at the same time. Speaking of chili, it is the state food of Texas, a delectable stew that emanates through time as a legendary cowboy meal.
In making a chili, you might try and find the perfect combination of beans, meat, onions, peppers, and what else? Do you add corn, bacon? Dare I say, make it vegetarian? You can really put anything into a chili, and if you cook it long enough, it probably won't taste like ass. Maybe I had a stew going.
I think I'd like my money back.
But what if you actually want to make it taste good, really bring out the flavors of Texas? Well, you might have to find your very own special Texas ingredients to really make this chili purr. What does film have to do with chili?
Nothing. But I am hungry, and I found it to be an accessible metaphor for what I'm trying to do.
Of all the great Texas films, whether it's Giant or The Last Picture Show, Friday Night Lights, No Country for Old Men, Hell or High Water, all of these films have great stake. But which film has found the perfect Texas blend? Which film should represent Texas and earn the official crack stamp of approval as the cinema of the state? Let's find out. I'm Michael Straus, and this is the 50 states of film. The Lone Star State has a rich history and culture that contributes to its unique identity as a state. If a movie were to represent the state of Texas, it might need to hit on some themes that are quintessentially Texan.
I'm not talking about the Alamo Drafthouse anymore. I'm talking about the wild, wild west. Again, not that one.
And football. When I say the west, I mean those spicy, everlasting tropes that give Texas its special flavor of Southwestern culture. Yes, that means simple things like cactus or stupid things like the law. Also Tex-Mex, the general diversity of the state, the border, oil, and of course, cowboy culture. Cowboy culture can include cowboys, robberies, boots, line dancing, rodeo, meat, horses, beer, and or anything that may occur on a ranch. It may be important to include Texas' state motto here, which is just friendship. I know, that's surprising for a state that serves get off my lawn like hot tuna.
And of course, no good Texas film is complete without the recognition of the Alamo. Thanks. For the record, there is no basement in the Alamo, so remember that.
Now, when I say football, I do mean the sport and the religious ritual embraced by small towns in Texas. Because if a movie were to rep Texas, it might not have to be about football, but it better have some football in it. And also small town gatherings, high school, Texas Longhorns, racism, and maybe army. Films like Friday Night Lights are sometimes about football, but really they're a pastiche of small town America. Usually a character is stuck in said small town and has no hope of leaving, even if they're a very gifted, prodigal, football-playing teenager. Odds are the only thing that a character gets out of a small town is a sorry nickname like booby and possibly venereal disease. Of course, I'm referring to rater rash, which is not a real disease, but a nickname given to any STD you might contract in Lubbock, Texas.
Aside from the West and football, the wild card and most essential item on this checklist is Matthew McConaughey. For those of you who are raising an eyebrow concern, let me explain. This is a man who won an Oscar for his role in Dallas Buyers Club, a movie that cannot entirely fit the description of the state movie of Texas, but still features a whole bunch of breaking the law, vigilante justice, and rodeo. Let's put a pin in Maddie McSie for a moment.
I know we're cooking with gas, but there are so many more ingredients we need to consider. All right, I know what you're thinking. Michael, this is a checklist, not a recipe. Well, at one point, this show might have been a little bit of a surprise, at one point, this show might have actually been a food show, but there are too many food shows and I have the same tastes as Guy Fieri, so I might as well stick to what I know and talk about movies.
So which film can really represent Texas? In this case, Texas has so many incredible films, I feel compelled to name a handful of the front runners for you. I now present to you some shitty log lines and a montage to acquaint you with the best Texas has to offer. We'll start with some classics, like Giant, Big Oil, Ranchers, and James Dean Meat in this Western. Watch James Dean find black gold as he works the land and gets rich, it's ripe with Texicana. This is one of our favorites, as is The Wild Bunch, where thieves stupidly take on the entire military of Mexico and they meet their doom. A legendary Western, which despite receiving recognition from the Library of Congress, never mentions The Alamo. Speaking of The Alamo, the famed John Wayne flick consisting of the slowest, longest, most painful snooze fest of a battle scene of all time, and surprisingly, not one mention of small town football, unlike The Last Picture Show, which finally features football.
Small town cowboys, teenage sex, oil. Well, okay, there's actually no oil because the town is in decline after the oil derricks dried up.
Watch an adorable little Jeff Bridges be a Texas teen? Count me in. And then there's Hud.
Generations of dads and sons get into a fight over their sick cows, but without Paul Newman, there's not much to this one. Enough of black and white. Let's take a look at some more modern classics, like No Country for Old Men.
A man with a terrible haircut haunts the landscape by killing people with a captive bolt pistol. Law enforcement doesn't stand a chance as a chase begins over the Mexican border in the now trending border town of Eagle Pass.
It's a great movie. Also, Tommy Lee Jones friggin' rocks. Speaking of awesome performances, Jeff Bridges gives a performance of a lifetime in Hell or High Water, where two brothers try and save their ranch by robbing banks. They're really good at it and are kinda crazy, so the cops seem like the bad guys. Oh, and I cannot forget Friday Night Lights, where small town boys with mean dads try to get a ticket to a brighter future by winning Texas State Football. Also some more esoteric, but important films to mention. Terrence Malick's Tree of Life, Wes Anderson's Rushmore, and Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure. Or, most importantly, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Yes, that one. Oh my. Aah!
What do all these movies have in common? Well, they all have the West, they have football, they got cowboy shit, but none of them have Matthew McConaughey.
Oh.
Except for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But wait, Michael, he was just a baby in this film. Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1973, and McConaughey was born in 69. Nice. But there are nine Texas Chainsaw Massacre films, and McConaughey just so happens to be in one of them. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a famed 1974 slasher film which has a lot of chainsaw and massacre, but not a whole lot of Texas, largely considered wonderful and controversial at the same time. This brings me to 1995's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation. Even though this is not the definitive Texas film I have been looking for, this film adaptation does one thing right. Matthew freaking McConaughey.
Get that bitch! Aah!
Why is he so essential to Texas and thusly Texas cinema? Well, we can start with the obvious. Matthew McConaughey was born in Uvalde, Texas, and after a brief stint in Australia, returned to the University of Texas at Austin to study. He still lives in Texas today and nearly ran for governor in 2021. But what did the people of Texas think of all this? Texas voters were more keen on voting for Matthew McConaughey than popular candidate Beta O'Rourke by almost two to one, according to a poll released by Dallas Morning News and the University of Texas at Tyler. Still don't think he's the essential ingredient? McConaughey has nearly made himself a mascot for the state. He became a professor at UT Austin, is a part owner of the Austin Football Club, which yes, is soccer, but has the word football in it at least, and lest we forget, he got his start in Dazed and Confused, a suburban Texan coming of age story directed by a suburban Texan, Richard Linklater. McConaughey is so Texas, he can win an Oscar for his role in Dallas Buyers Club and still play a stripper named Dallas in Magic Mike.
If that doesn't make him my special ingredient, my secret sauce, I don't know what does. Which leads me to the piece de resistance.
Only a year after he was in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, McConaughey takes on a supporting role as Sheriff Buddy Deeds in what many say is the most Texas movie of all modern Texas movies, Lone Star. Lone Star is a neo-noir Western and 90s masterpiece. It boasts a soundtrack of sultry, Stevie Ray Vaughan style guitar licks too sexy for a TV.
This movie is so Texas that it bears its symbolic pseudonym and within the first five minutes, we get cactus, the desert, a sheriff, army dudes, a bunch of old guys drinking Shinerbok, a shootout, a talk about the border, and moreover, a really rousing and shockingly familiar discussion of the state's history and the multitudes that history contains. Now you people can believe whatever you want, but when it comes to teaching our children- There are children too, and as a majority in this community, we have the right to- The men that founded this state have the right, their story told the way it happened, not the way somebody wanted it to happen. The men who founded this state broke from Mexico because they needed slavery to be legal to make a fortune in the cotton business. The film begins with a couple of off-base army guys wandering through the desert looking for scrap metal and checking out cactus. They come across a skull and a sheriff's badge.
That's where Chris Cooper shows up as Sheriff Sam Deeds. Not moments later, we learn that this is opening up a can of worms, an old case that involves Sam's dad, Buddy Deeds, and a black bar owner and his army son and a school teacher and her business savvy mother. It's the perfect setup for a mystery that surrounds the old sheriff Charlie Wade's disappearance. Wade is played by Texas legend and country singer Chris Christopherson. Naturally, he plays a racist, fear-mongering, corrupt sheriff. He screws with everyone in town, including local barman Otis Payne, played by Ron Canada, restaurant owner Mercedes Cruz, played by Miriam Colon, and his deputy, Buddy Deeds, played by Matthew McConaughey himself. The film mainly follows Sam Deeds, the son of Buddy, but we start to see all of the children of the aforementioned victims of the bastard sheriff Charlie Wade, Otis's son, Delmore Payne, who's a military officer stationed in town, and school teacher Pilar, Mercedes' daughter, an old-time love interest of Sam. You learn about guys like Charlie and his lackey, Hollis Pogue, who really represent old-school corruption and racism, and how Buddy Deeds fights for the common man and is still a corrupt bureaucrat, just a sort of benevolent one. We learn that Charlie Wade extorted the Payne family bar and killed Mercedes' husband, a father Pilar never met.
Sam is unsure what to make of all this and keeps talking to locals who admire his father so much, it makes him sick. Hating your dad is a big part of Texas culture, so this actually checks a lot of boxes for me. See, Sam is returning to small town Texas, a town that he grew up in. Taking on the job of sheriff after his father passes. There's a huge generational message that things change, but the amount of Texas remains the same. Everyone in the community plays a part in making the Maison Sen so freaking Texas, in a modern sense and even in a romanticized one. A reporter from a national magazine asked the governor of our Lone Star State, Governor, what's your ideal of what a real Texan ought to be? Just so we can get it out of the way, the small town in Western culture is pretty evident in this film so far.
We got Matthew McConaughey as well, but where's the football of it all? Sam starts to learn that his dad was a champion for all of the folks Charlie Wade messed with. He goes back to his ex-wife's place to find some old letters from his dad to help clear up some mysteries and this is where the Texas meter is turned up to 11. If you can see, the numbers all go to 11. The scene begins with an actual football game broadcast and then we see the entire fanatical home of Bunny, who by the way is played by Francis freaking McDormand. Sure, she's the key to all of his dad's old documents, but also as a pill-popping diehard football fan who can't stop talking about the Cowboys and the NFL draft. Sam is stuck between the world of the Old West and the modern megalith of Texas football and city life. Of course, all of this happens while she walks past UT Austin decorations while wearing a Hugh Snowler's hat, which if you were wondering where the oil really played a part in this film, that's where it is.
Now that you've seen this absolute mess that Sam saved himself from, he rekindles his connection with Pilar. They strike up their old friendship with such deep nostalgia at how their parents used to tear them apart. Cue the steamy sex scene. Now there's your friendship, folks. But what about the Alamo? Well, if I haven't already spoiled most of this movie for you, or given you the gift of knowledge that this movie is absolutely worth seeing, then this next bit will blow your mind. Sam and Pilar sit in the old drive-in movie theater where they used to hang out, which lay in ruin, apparently symbolic of dusty small town vibes and its direct contrast with the Old West. And then in a weird turn of events, Sam asks Pilar about her dad. Okay, let's get this straight. Two old friends meet back where it all started, a relic of the past, talking about both of their fathers, realizing that they share the same one.
But it's all good, because Pilar can't have kids.
Close one. But in one last act of defiance of the status quo, she says, Forget the Alamo. As if how we remember our history is just as important as how we think about our future.
After all, Texas is a state of mind, where your best friend can also be your sibling slash sex partner. With all that being said, I'd like to award Lone Star our first ever Cinema of the State. With Oscar, Golden Globe, and BAFTA nominations for best screenplay, the film does feel like an accurate, exhilarating, and even fucked up snapshot of Texas in all of its Western multitudes. It really has all the goods, or ingredients, if you will, thrown together to make one tasty movie. We have movies that gave us depictions of Odessa and the Alamo, but Texas deserves a film like Lone Star that captures a wide breadth of Texas culture set against a backdrop of epic neo-noir 90s cinema. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Alamo Drafthouse, where I'm about to down four IPAs, three chili dogs, and watch an original 35 millimeter version of Air Bud, Golden Receiver. I've been Michael Straus. This is the 50 states of film. |
TheOnion | Report_Leading_Cause_Of_Death_In_U_S_Is_God_Needing_Another_Angel | The Department of Health and Human Services issued a new report this week indicating that the leading cause of death in the U.S. is God needing another angel. According to the study, God's continuing lack of souls too beautiful for this world accounted for over 700,000 deaths in the U.S. in 2013. A spokesperson announced the findings this morning. For years, death was a seemingly random force, able to take us at any time via thousands of terrifying causes. However, we now know that mostly it is because our loving Father needs more angels to live with Him forever in heaven. Other common causes of death, according to the study, include God having a plan for us all, it being someone's time, and the Lord working in mysterious ways. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius noted that these statistics won't decrease until God decides He has enough sweet baby angels to help Him paint rainbows in the sky. It urged all Americans to check their website for warning signs that they or a loved one might be at risk. We've exhausted the numbers of all the deaths over the past 20 years and the truth is irrefutable. We will see 100% of these people again very, very soon. The in-depth report also broke down death by demographics, saying that most gregarious overweight Americans died because their hearts were simply too big and 100% of murderers finally got what's coming to them. Next up, the Icelandic government completes its brand new Bjork habitat. |
dropout | Microcaine_A_Revolutionary_New_Drug_for_Women_Kingpin_Katie | Yes. Now, some of you might be asking, what is Coom? Is it just your initials with two random O's arbitrarily shoved into the middle? Oh, ladies, yes, it is. But it is so much more than that.
Coom is a lifestyle brand, but it's not just a lifestyle brand. Coom is also a wellness brand. But here's the thing, it's not just a wellness brand. Coom is also a health brand, health, wellness, lifestyle, H-W-L, that spells Coom.
I'm here to share with you Coom's revolutionary new product, an ancient organic substance used for centuries by indigenous people. I love indigenous people. I smell a documentary about indigenous people.
And it also has gluten-free ingredients, and it's dairy-free. Oh, I mean, you can't have dairy. Yeah, dairy-free.
Microcane will give you a feeling of euphoria, it will make you stronger and more alert. On Microcane, you're going to want to dance all night long. It will make you want to come up with ridiculous promises for 80s movies, and it has been known to make people jump off roofs, into pools, into pools.
I'm sorry. It kind of sounds like you're selling us cocaine. Let her finish. Did I burst a blood vessel? No, you didn't. How's your temperature? I'm fine. Yeah.
Anyway, Microcane is about connecting that inner, innerness. It's not about being skinny, but Microcane makes you skinny. I guess I'll take some. Even the rich and famous, which stays between us, use Microcane. I'm talking about Robert Downey Jr., Kate Moss, Hugh Grant, and Mary Berry.
From the Great British Bake Off? No, I'm sorry. Mary Ann Berry, the former mayor of the District of Columbia. I'm sorry.
Is no one else hearing what I'm hearing? Stop it! I'm perspirating. No, no, no. Nobody likes a party pooper, so maybe we just quiet down a little bit.
Today I have a wide variety of products for you to choose from. Here is our original bottle, and here is our newer model, which is exactly the same, but it's way more money, and it's just in a different bottle. Yeah, I want that. White women. Thanks for watching that promo of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, I'm going to blow your mind. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout.
I normally don't like the things I'm ... No, no, I am proud of myself. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Cheryl, what are you doing? I was going to roundhouse kick him. No, you clearly wanted me to call it off in the middle of that. No, I was getting ready. You have to take multiple steps. Okay. |
dropout | troopers_who_to_kill | In Surgeon Commander Quaison, crude mashed potato mannequin. Guess which one has been in Quaison's cell for the past three months? Anyway, blah blah blah, somebody fucked up, now I have to kill...
Larry! So, which one of you is Larry? Uh... Larry's not here right now. Uh, yeah, and even if he was, he'd say that anybody could've been fooled by that mannequin. Not just me. You mean him? Larry. Yes, can I help you?
So what I'm hearing is I should kill you and- No! No, no, no!
Uh, Larry... I just remembered where Larry is. He's, uh... there.
What? No. Hi, I'm Chase. I work in sales. Oh, please, it is so easy to come up with a fake name. Oh, yeah? Then what's your name? Uh... Chase? Two chases? Wow. Wacky. Guess that makes you Larry. Sure, that's him. What? No! Fine!
I'm not wasting any more time on this. All of you, take off your helmets. Yeah, I don't know any of you people. Helmet's back on.
You? You're an ugly one. Oh, look at this! I have a package. For Larry. Huh? Smells like his favorite cookies. Blaine?
How are you still alive? Uh, you know what, Dreadlord? The thing is, we're all Larry. So I kill everybody? Uh, no. No, no, no. I mean, uh, none of us is Larry. So... I kill everybody?
No! God! No!
Look, stop. Everybody just stop, okay?
I'm Larry, all right? I'm not gonna stand here and let my friend or some random douche turd take the fall for me. I'm ready to take my punishment. Like a man. Ah, this is the hardest part of my job. Loading this gun.
Hey, uh, Chase, is that space stuff you got there? Oh, yeah. Just some space stuff I've been working on. Great. Yeah, man.
I'd love to flip through the, uh... And then you have a laser gun. Okay, let's get to the killing.
Wait, what? No! Well, that was fun. Now, who's rich? Oh, shit. |
cracked | 6_stupid_movie_decisions_that_ruined_everything | They classfully decisions in famous movies the hell's all it's got to do with killing the clay Life is his little bonuses Simon says Lieutenant McLean is to go to the corner of 138th Street on Dampster Dam Say hello to your brother I Don't believe this You guys throw me at the wolves and now you want me to go back out there Forget it.
It's not my problem Can I finish no, there's no way just tell me one thing Burke You're going out there to destroy them, right?
Look man, I only need to know one thing where they He figured that he could get an alien back to a quarantine if one of us was impregnated Whatever you call it and then frozen for the trip home.
I think you're damn lucky to be alive kiddo You could be floating out there forever It means that any features, I don't think I should tell you if mom I don't have time for this did he add anything He added an air duct system that can cut through the maze good explain it to them You sure it's a trap get up I If I may sir I've seen things in this house.
I've never spoken of What are you trying to tell me?
The night your father died I I cleaned his wound the blade that pierced his body Came from his glider I Know what you're going through pepper You know, I want to tell you something everything that Oracle told me has come true everything but this He figured that he could get an alien back to quarantine |
cracked | the_terrifying_truth_about_doc_brown_after_hours | I was promised hoverboards. We're fine. She knows what day it is. Never forget. I know, not usually the guy who freaks out. Hey, yeah, I'm also mad about what Dan's talking about. It's 2015. Yeah, yeah, and that makes us furious. We were told 2014 was going to last forever. That is not what we're mad about.
Oh, no? What then? No.
Didn't we already talk about Back to the Future? I seem to remember. What are we talking about? Back to the Future. Pass. Pass on that memory. Yeah, I'm fine. Not remembering how young we all looked in that particular memory.
Plus, this is about a hoverboard debt. Back to the Future 2 is set in 2015, and all those chowder heads got hoverboards. Motherfucking chowder heads. Where's my piece of the hoverboard part? You were only promised hoverboards in that timeline.
A timeline in which Marty uses skateboarding to dump poop on his archenemy in front of the entire town. In 1955, he literally shits on him. See, we are in this timeline. In which that didn't happen until 1996, when a nose grind into poop dump was used by Bill Clinton to defeat Bob Dole.
Yeah, and see, Marty made skateboarding the new thing for counterculture nerds to get into. So in the Back to the Future universe, everybody puts their energy behind skateboard technology instead of computers? No, I mean, computers were still important. The Silicon Valley's DNA has always been half rock and roll, which Marty ruined when he stole it from Chuck Berry. Well, he kind of ruined it by straight ruining. Yeah, I mean, it's not like he nails Johnny B. Goode. He does an objectively terrible version of the very first rock song ever, and somehow it's piped directly into Chuck Berry's brain as he's supposed to be inventing it. Rock and roll was the coolest thing that you could be into in 1950s in our timeline. But in the Back to the Future timeline, it sucks because the acorn is Marty's shitty version of Johnny B. Goode. So in their timeline, the coolest thing to do is skateboarding. So if Katie's right about how counterculture spreads on the streets, then instead of Chuck Berry being the spark that gave the Beatles the idea for Beatlemania, then in the Back to the Funiverse, Calvin Klein gives 1950s Tony Hawk the idea to alley-oop all over our faces.
Alley-oop is a basketball term. Daniel, have some self-respect. I said alley-oop. No, you didn't.
I actually bought it. Alley, like, well, the skateboard's horrible. I actually buy it.
1950s version of Tony Hawk was learned to shred face in a time when the sexiest thing people knew how to do with a human body was the hokey-pokey. That's why that timeline has hoverboards. I mean, instead of being into rock and roll, Steve Jobs was into skateboarding. That would explain why their version of 2015's all punk rock. So the flared jeans inspired by hippies is replaced by the skater punk aesthetic.
Both of which are equally terrible, by the way. Just dress normally, everybody.
That's why the version of 2015 that has hoverboards is also missing a lot of stuff that we have in our timeline. Also, Marty's timeline had he not gone back. I mean, they have hoverboards, but we have GPS and self-driving cars and iPads and an app that will deliver Taco Bell directly to your door.
Ooh, and prostitutes. I can deliver Taco Bell right to my prostitute? What's the name of the- Oh, prostitutes will come to your door. Okay, that's an even better service.
Why are we even talking about Steve Jobs?
Oh, are you a Bill Gate guy? Just imagine Bill Gate was super into skateboarding. Oh, you know that it's gates and boards.
Oh, excuse me everyone, and I'll study every word that's got an S on the end of it. I mean, who even cares about Steve Jobs? In the original timeline, Doc Brown is more powerful than any human that has ever lived in ours. We're all fur recycling.
Wait a minute. What are you doing, Doc? I need fuel. Go ahead. Quick, get in the car.
Think about when Marty wakes up at the end of the movie. His parents are different people, rich people, who raised a rich kid who got the Jeep he wanted when he wanted. But if he's so different, why'd he do everything exactly the same way as original Marty? Exactly. Why does someone that looks like Marty even exist in the first place? His parents just play tennis and smack asses. George! For the exact same Marty to exist, then his cocky, tennis-playing, ass-slapping father would need to make love to his hip, cool, sexually satisfied mother at the exact same time of the exact same day. So you're just saying that Doc Brown was just creeping around in the shadows singing, kiss the girl to them all day? And the exact same one sperm out of tens of millions would have to reach the same egg that made Marty as the egg and the sperm that combined in the original timeline that made Marty when his parents were both losers.
That's impossible. No, it checks out. That's the reproductive cycle. So it's a plot hole? Right. Of course, Doc Brown didn't orchestrate Lorraine and George's sex life that perfectly.
So there has to be some other reason why both Marty's are exactly the same in both timelines. Marty's the Antichrist.
Nope. Not that at all. I was getting there. You were not.
Let's think about Doc Brown. The version that we knew in the beginning of the movie was a mad scientist, but there was plenty reason to suspect that there was more going on than Marty realized. Sure, stealing nuclear active material from a major terrorist threat. Which isn't remotely surprising when you realize that Doc Brown at the end of the movie isn't just some mad scientist who caught lightning in the bottle.
At the end of the movie, he's not merely the first guy to stumble onto time travel. He's had access to time travel for 30 f***ing years. He's a time lord.
I came here in a time machine that you invented. I finally invented something that worked!
The only way for the end of Back to the Future to make sense is if Doc Brown is kidnapping or killing at least a few Martys from different timelines when poor Marty shows up back in the 80s. He's not quantum leap jumping into some body.
He's physically showing up and when his parents see him, they're like, oh yes, that's you. Or what our son looks like. We agree about this.
Which means he's taking some other Marty's place. Some Marty that Doc Brown may disappear. Also that our version of Marty, the poor Marty and his new rich parents, won't ask questions when he comes back from the future. And so he could get a stupid f***ing truck or whatever. So I guess it's no coincidence then that he only gets to experience his new life for like five minutes before Doc Brown whisks him off to some other conflict. One timeline out of millions that Doc Brown probably manipulated into existence. All of that just to make conditions right for the OG Marty. For the one version of Marty that saved his life.
Man, that's a shockingly selfish use of time travel. Yeah, but that's the world that has hoverboards. And rock and roll musics that's sh**tier than our music. And is puppeteered by a mad scientist whose sole agenda is to bring pleasure to his teenage friends. So yes, Daniel, you were promised hoverboards. At what cost? A few f***ing dead Marty's. I'd kill an army of Marty's for a single hoverboard.
I don't know him. I certainly don't know nine of him.
My prostitute's gonna be here any minute. You ordered her here?
Watch other videos and like and comment below. You know, speaking of comments, one of the most popular ones we get, people are always asking us, how much of this food do we eat when we're on set? That's a great question because obviously it looks delicious. And so when we see it, we really want to eat it. But that's its only job is to look delicious.
It's actually pretty cold and rubbery and really just, I would describe it as flaccid. A full-on net that has been fused to this pepper. So none. We don't eat any of the food because of all those reasons. You see the bugs that are flying. Dibs on that pepper. |
wearethesundayblues | world_cup_of_thrones_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hey, what are you doing? I'm watching the Soccer World Cup. Yeah, but I want to watch Game of Thrones. Yeah, but I was here first. Change it back. Well, let's try that new function where you can watch both channels at the same time. What, like a split screen? No, it merges them together into one epic show. No, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Watch where you're going, you little freak! Just watch your tongue, otherwise you'll get a dwarf slap. Oh, come on! I didn't even... Father, we're on the same team! Yes, but it's... Yes, but if you only... Fine.
You are an intimidating man, but I've squeezed balls through tighter gaps. What are you doing, man? You better cover up those balls! I... don't... have balls. You don't have...
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Nailed it! Did he... did he touch it down? You know, did he win the points? You literally know nothing about this game, Jon Snow, do you? No.
I thought you said the show had loads of boobs. Yeah, there's usually more boobs.
Oh wait, what's this? A streaker? Hold on! What are you doing? Shh, shh, shh. Boobs are boobs. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | minesweeper_the_movie | You're here because you're the best of the best You come to me as beginners when I'm done with you, you'll be experts You are here to sweep my pool. I Hear he finished this one in like two seconds. I'm gonna beat all his records.
What's his problem?
Dad died in the minefield Each time you dig you will find the number that number will tell you exactly how many mines are adjacent to your square If he's such a great sweeper, why is he here teaching us? Dad's really easy. Yeah, my grandma does it all the time Find a one on a corner.
It's a mine Three on a wall. They're all mines careful. They're mines under there.
What if we get an eight? God help us all I can see his face Even when I close my eyes, I can see his face Why are you really here? I want to make this land safe. Why are you here soldier? I'm here because I'm bored Don't you ever forget that? No, no come down it's never the first one That clock is gonna keep ticking until it reaches 9 9 9 what happens then nothing you decide Why are these mines even here? Now now we guess Game over Anybody want to play hearts? Oh |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_lazy_sunday_2_saturday_night_live | It's your Sunday, slept right through my alarm, activate Siri and say, call home! Who this? it's me, Man! your sandbird kicked back! tonight is the night!
Broadway! Scissor Racks! the show's not delayed! let's mark some brunch! I know a cute French place! Meet me outside, Crush! my core is ripped! that workout was true! Man, I can almost chase those mimosas for real! the menu changes at three! we better start jamming! I love that brunch more than Mcadams loves chanting! don't step! $2.59! Made it on a technicality! x Been a dick! no, yo, less calories! the plating is cray!
I detect sagebrush!
How you wanna pay Chris? Go Dutch, motherf***er!
Cause once you buy them, you can't give your tickets back!
Yo, hold up, hold up! Hey yo, Chris! we gonna have to hit him with some new fish for 2012, my dude! So why don't you drop it on him like right now? allow me to reintroduce myself! my name is Pars! Meet to the A-r! stupid bargains have been on the pot of rain bars! Young Sandwich and I came to catch Rick! still waiting on a f***ing youtube chat! don't mess with Magnolia cause the line's too long! paws and bumps with my clits! Now back to the score!
Go peep the Marquee! take some funny-ass guns! we got 99 problems, but this bitch ain't one! think in the class, feel my sweet firm move! we take more shots in the theater than John Wilkes Booth! flip up but not! cause we're cultural maven! like stem and we scream out! that's so raven! Gonna sister rack like a pistol rack! all up in the theater like aristocrats! we're gonna sister rack like we got racks on racks! Cause once you buy them, you can't give your tickets back! on these New York streets, I hold my fake rap penmanship! that's how it begins! And that's how I'ma finish it! |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_the_mysterious_crandell_saturday_night_live | And now it's time to play the game. The Stars play.
Secret Word with your host, Lyle Rowne. All right. hello and good day. I'm Lyle Rowne.
All right. we got a great game. So let's meet our celebrities. she's better known for her work on the Broadway stage. please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson. Thank you. thank you.
This is all I do now. Terrific. terrific. terrific. our next guest is celebrated mentalist and hypnotist, the mysterious Crandell. tonight I will bend the laws of science. that spoon just flew away on a clear wire. or did it? he's got two spoons. I played the Spoons in Kentucky Dirty, the story of a female jockey who struggled with her weight. The New York Times said, not right now. contestants are getting bored, so why don't we begin? Mindy's Team, you won the toss. are you prepared? I will let the actress inside me answer that. just let me get into character.
Hail, yes, Margaret Sue! Oh, boy. the secret word is boot. All right. All right. look at me. focus. this is hard. you can do this. five seconds, Mindy. I'm listening. I'm with you. All right. let me put on my reading glasses just to check. Oh! I read it wrong. it's Boot. Mindy, you said the secret word.
I know. at first I thought it said 800t. it's boot. my eyes aren't what they used to be, Lyle. just like the character I played in who Moved My John? the story of a blind call girl who can't tell if she's being paid or not. is this five dollars? How much change did you give you? do you need change?
Sit down. sit down. let's move over to the mysterious Crandell's team. Toddy, are you ready to receive some clues? I think so, Lyle. Or do you?
All right. put that away. please. I can hear the motor. please. Ten seconds on the clock. the secret word is Grape. I want you to clear your mind. Okay? I'm sending you the word telepathically. it's Grape. you just said the secret word.
Or did I? Soon, you will have no memory of what happened here. I wish that were true, but you still said it.
Grape. I ate a grape once backstage at the opening night party for Juanita Shepard's high-kicking Honey Babies. the secret word is Cramp. Cramp? Long story short, I ate so many grapes, I loudly broke wind everywhere.
I tried apologizing to the honey babies, but they were long ago.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, you said the secret word. Oh, I did. I said it because I saw it. I flood my line just like I did in the hip flop.
Sit down.
No. No. no. Go to the amazing Crandell. it's your turn. If I am really here, imagine me not here. he's clearly right there. All right. we'll be right back afterward from our sponsor. Thank you. Go. please stop. stop it with me. will you please? |
dropout | rob_o_connor_on_the_2005_minnesota_vikings | Thank you. Welcome to Raph's Hall of Fame. This is the show where each guest will try to convince me that their underrated favorite should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have our guest, good friend, Rob O'Connor. Hey, Raph, it's great to be here.
Do you have anything to plug, Rob? Is this your chance? Sure. Yeah, the BBC series Broadchurch. It's a mystery. You're in that? No. It's really good. David Tennant is in it. Okay. He's playing a little bit off-type. I don't know. Check it out. It's a good show. We will be sure to do that. All right. Cool. Rob.
I've watched football games my whole life. I grew up in South Bend, Indiana, so I was a huge Notre Dame fan.
Is that who you want to talk about today? Oh, absolutely not. No, Notre Dame gets enough accolades and probably too many, if we'll be honest about that. Well, I don't know.
I'm a fan. Oh, good. They're going to the playoffs this year, so that'll be fun to watch them lose very soon in that. Well, we'll see. Keep your chin up, buddy. So, who are you here to talk about?
As a football fan, I'm also a very big NFL fan. I grew up a Bears fan, and in the Bears division, an old divisional rival of theirs. You're a Bears fan, so you're one of this, as the Minnesota Vikings. So I know this is kind of an uphill battle to convince you to put the Minnesota Vikings into your Hall of Fame.
Glad you appreciate that. But I want you to stick with me here for a moment.
So I want to talk about the 2005 Minnesota Vikings. 2005. So 2005, you'll remember, is the year that the Bears went to the Super Bowl, not the Vikings.
They actually... You got a point there. What's that? They didn't knock out the Bears? That's a point. No, they did not.
But so, and I'd like to start by just saying and really diving into what is fame? What constitutes the Hall of Fame? Because usually, if someone makes a Hall of Fame, it's for excellence, but it's not the Hall of Excellence, right? There are other reasons to be famous.
Okay.
What are you getting at?
So the 2005 Minnesota Vikings, they were not an excellent team. They were, however, a very memorable team, a team of destiny.
I love it. In what way?
They had, without a doubt, the single most embarrassing season in the history of the NFL.
Not on the field. Yeah, off the field, if I remember correctly. Yeah, off the field.
Yeah. And each one of the stories I'm going to relay to you is more embarrassing than the last. Okay. Now, you better put it in heightening order. Oh, it is. You just promised that everyone would be okay. All right. It is absolute. You better deliver. Far more embarrassing than the last. Okay.
But to really get a scope on how embarrassing this team was and kind of like what really the base of this team, you got to talk about their coach, Mike Tice, who we'll step back a little bit before we get into 2005. And Mike Tice's first full year as head coach, they went 6 and 10, which was bad enough for them to earn the seventh spot in the NFL Draft.
So when the 2003 draft came around, they had the seventh pick and then they didn't pick anyone. And then they dropped two spots because they just didn't pick anyone. The time ran out and then two other teams went and then they just picked someone. So I just want you to keep that in mind that he's, that's the organizational mind at work here as somebody who lost two draft picks. Usually teams when like they'll trade down like to get a player or like extra picks later on in the draft.
Yeah. The, yeah, the Vikings did that for funsies. But now in 2005, yeah.
So 2005 Mike Tice started out the year in March by being investigated for running a ticket, a Super Bowl ticket, a scalping operation. My God, not a Super Bowl that he was in. No, no, no, no. They did not make the Super Bowl at all. They lost that year to the Eagles, I think.
How do you, okay. So you're playing on a team where the coach has, has a side gig. Yeah. First of all, yeah, this is supposed to be your main thing. You're supposed to be coaching me.
Your dream is supposed to be to make it to the playoff or to the, to, to, to winning the Super Bowl, presumably if you're an NFL coach and this guy is scalping the team. He was hedging his bets. I think he was, he was making, he was making a million dollars at the time. Even if you're a fan, how do you like you're buying tickets from that? Also he lives the, he lives in Minnesota. If you're not going to the Super Bowl, go to the Super Bowl.
You know what I mean? What else are you doing? I think, you know, he, this was probably in a warm, it's usually in a warm climate. I don't know.
I don't know where the 2005 Super Bowl was or the two, sorry.
Yeah. I don't remember it either. But I bet you, is that the Superdome? It probably was. Yeah. I mean, chances are it's usually there.
Uh, he was like, this wasn't just 2005 though. It wasn't just one year that he did this. He had been, he, cause he started off as the, um, the assistant coach at, um, Minnesota in the nineties.
Right. And then like he, he, uh, garnered a reputation for being the guy that everyone would give their tickets to. No. Just sell so that everyone could make a little bit of money. Wait, wait, wait. The guy in the Vikings organization?
Yeah. No. Yes. So people are like, there's this guy. Yep. Yeah.
You're not, not Mike, not the head coach, Mike, there's, there's, uh, one former assistant said verbatim when I was there, Mike was the guy Christ, that's like, that's Mike. Mike was the guy for selling for selling the head coach was like your kind of skeezy friend in high school who could get you tickets to a, to a concert or something. Sam Reich is my boss here. That's like, if I would, that's like if somebody, if that's like if Mike trap was like, you know, there's a guy who could sell bootleg your YouTube videos, there's a guy who, holy cow.
So bad. Uh, yeah.
So yeah, it was, uh, the, he had, he had some scalping agency that goes to the Superbowl. I think he would, so he would get like the deal was he was getting like 12 tickets a year and he would scalp like 10 of them, but then he would also get everyone on the staff and all of the players to buy tickets and then they give him the tickets and then he would scalp them and take a cut of whatever he, uh, he made. So I would, I would go out on, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I would go out on a limb to say that maybe if you're in the Superbowl, it would be more difficult to do that.
Okay. Yeah.
You don't think so? No.
Well, I think if you're in the Superbowl, the people are more likely to go, but everyone just gets the tickets. So I think that that gives them an incentive to not go to the Superbowl.
Yeah. Am I crazy to think that? No, absolutely. Absolutely. Like that's, that's the thing. I'm not against buddy, but hold on here. This was, this was just institutionally, they would just buy tickets for every Superbowl regardless of who was going to be in it and sell them. Okay.
So I'm guessing that this trickled down. You got to keep in mind that like his, so I looked at, I looked up how much he was making on these tickets and it was like, they would buy them for like a five or $600 and then turn around and sell them for like $1,800. So to make like 1200 on each of the tickets that he personally sold, but then just take like a cut of everyone else.
And then he got caught. Yeah. Caught.
And how much did he get? He got fined $100,000. I don't think he could have been making more than like maybe 20,000.
No. And he makes a million dollars a year as the coach. Yes. He doesn't exactly. Well, I don't know how he manages finances, but, uh, okay.
So now the next story has to be, has to beat that one.
All right. Go. All right. Okay.
So that was in March of 2005. So still, still a pre-season May, May, 2005, May, 2005, uh, uh, the, uh, they're starting running back.
Yes. Ontario Smith was caught going through airport security in Minneapolis with a device used to beat drug tests called a Wizenator, which is a kit that, uh, I can guess, I feel like we should know. Yes. Yeah. Go ahead.
So it comes with, uh, several vials of dried urine, which I don't really, I don't know what dried urine is, uh, but it comes with that a syringe heater packs to keep the, uh, urine at body temperature frozen urine, maybe that unless it's powdered urine, I think it's powdered urine, which is something I don't want to imagine to be honest. Uh, but so it comes with a dried urine, a syringe heater packs to keep the urine at body temperature and a fake penis.
Uh, that according to their website comes in several colors, including white tan Latino brown and black. I want to just point out one of those is not a color.
Um, so he was caught, uh, in, in 2005, smuggling a fake penis and vials of urine in his carry-on through, uh, airport security, which I, you gotta think he's gotta, it's, it's a post 9 11 world. Yeah. No, you can't bring urine onto a plane. No, I know it's not specifically listed, but I think it's probably just because no one thought they'd had to. I just don't think that would set off, that would probably set off some bells even pre 9 11. Yeah.
What are you doing with all these urine, sir? You look healthy enough. Why is there urine and a penis in your bag?
So although, okay. So does it, does he get, so he gets caught with this. Yeah. But so he's, but he's presumably the beta drug test. I think you mentioned that already. Yes. Yeah. So the device itself is to beat it as used to beat a drug test, but he claimed that he was, it was, he was holding it for his cousin, which is just, that's like something that a high school kid says when he's caught with pot. Right.
Uh, but, uh, which he was not caught with. No, he was not. He was, so he was, he did not, he didn't get in trouble with marijuana. He knew he couldn't travel with marijuana. He knew that. He had, he knew that, but he did not take that extra step to think, don't bring urine. Um, so he, uh, uh, but he didn't, he didn't get in trouble for that for the NFL because he wasn't using it.
So they can't, the NFL can't really, like you can just walk around with as many fake penises as you want. And no one's gonna, like, that's not, that's not against league regulations.
Also. The original wizinator. Oh, wait, no. Okay. So the original wizinator, ooh, no, this is okay. So I think they rebranded after this.
Yeah. I think they rebranded as something called a wet sex simulator. Yeah. That's, I looked on the website. Apparently what they, um, what they're saying the device is used for is to simulate, uh, the sexual act of peeing on somebody without using real pee. Yes. Well, this guy is sex positive. That is a, that is a mark, uh, in the pro column. There you go.
Um, so he, uh, uh, yeah, but he didn't get in trouble for this at all, which is understandable. I don't think you should have. Uh, but he did get in trouble a month later when he tested positive for drugs. So that was, that was his third offense. So he was suspended for the year.
And actually he never played, he never played football, uh, in the NFL again. Oh, damn. He, I don't think he ever played anywhere. He, he was on the practice squad for a CFL team and that was, that was it. That was the end of his career. Okay.
Which is, you know, that's too bad because I mean, he was just smoking pot and it's not, I don't think that's not, that's not a performance enhancing drug. No, it is not performance enhancing at all.
And it's better. You have to use it to, it's been like, there's positions like running back where you get hit on every play. So you're going to be in pain all the time. That's a much better way than Opio. Oh, oh, oh. Opioids too.
Yes. It's much better than that. Absolutely. I agree. But, but the side effect of, uh, of smoking marijuana is that you don't realize it's a bad idea to bring urine and a fake penis on a plane. Yes.
I realized I started, I ended that sentence as if I was going to continue. Did you hear that? Less addictive. Oh, that was, I just, I thought I was interrupting you. No, you did not.
Okay. So that, all right. So, so far we're going in the right direction.
Yeah. I do believe. So, so draft snafu, then scalping tickets, fake penis on a plane. Right. And then this is just, I like, there are a few things in life that can really give you as much joy as the following story, which a lot of people, a lot of listeners are probably, are already aware of, which is that the, uh, the so-called love boat scandal. Ooh. This sounds romantic. Yeah. Nope. That is romantic. And that sounds like romance. Yeah. I think they're using love in the pejorative sense.
Okay. So on October 6th, 2005, so this is mid season. You even have the date. Okay. Yeah. So this is their, uh, uh, this is, uh, during their bye weeks. This is week five or six. Okay.
They got the week off. They can relax, do whatever they want. Uh, so they decided to throw, uh, uh, several, several members of the team decided to throw a, uh, $80,000 party on a boat called the mischievous.
Ooh. M-I-S-S. Chevious. Yeah.
Um, uh, a, a group of, uh, a group of, um, several of the, the players, including a lot of the starters, like Fred Smoot, uh, Bryant McKinney and Dante Culpepper, uh, decided to throw this $80,000 party on a boat in Lake Minnetonka with, Oh, where they got to get purified. They went to get purified in the lake.
No. That's a reference for, that's a prince. That's a purple rain reference. Oh, is that? Yeah. To get purified in the waters, the Lake Minnetonka. So this is the holy place. Yeah. Well, they had not, it wasn't when they were done because they, October on a Minnesota lake that sounds cold to me. Yeah.
You'd think so. You would think that, I mean, you know, it's early October, but still I've been to Minnesota and it was, it's cold in May.
Okay. In July. All right. Like fourth of July, everyone's in down jackets. Uh-huh.
But, uh, uh, so they, so they get on this boat. Um, and they, they hired, uh, uh, uh, it's hard to know where to start with this story, to be honest. Start from the beginning.
Okay. So, um, so people who worked for the chart, the boat charter company say that, uh, 27 limos showed up and dropped off 55 strippers and prostitutes from, uh, New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and Texas. No local hires? No. They had to get everybody. They outsourced their stripping. Um, they were not good for the economy. That is not, they are not a hometown team. No, that's true.
They, uh, they brought, they brought in these rivers from all over the place. Uh, and, uh, proceed, uh, proceeded to have a, uh, big old water orgy, big old water based orgy sex party on a boat. What? Uh, with, um, the, uh, it's, you know, sometimes the words of the people involved are really the best way to describe something. In this case, the party was so big, it got so out of control. They ended up getting sued by the, uh, the owners of the boat. Okay. Um, and a lawyer for the boat company said, uh, some of the sex acts alleged by witnesses to have taken place during the party included masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, man on man, toys, double penetration, middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the room.
I don't know why they had to specify middle of the couches. I don't know. It was on the edge of the couch.
It would have been fine. That's something only an owner would, would write down.
Yeah. It was in the middle of the floor. Uh, I noticed that man on, you said you mentioned woman on man. Yeah. No mention of man on woman. No. That is progressive. Yeah. It seems like the women were taking the initiative. That's right.
Which is good for them. That is a point four. You know, once again, this, this is a very sex positive Minnesota.
So, uh, then, uh, after the party was over, the cleaning crew reported finding, uh, used condoms, KY jelly, handy wipes, rappers for sex toys and said, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know why that's on there. That doesn't say maybe they had ribs or like, maybe they had wings, like hot wings. I use handy wipes all the time and it's very, very rarely sexually. Um, but they said, uh, quote, it was just incredible how it was left.
Never in the history of this group of people have they ever had anything like this. Never in history. They were the first in history. They were the first see breaking, breaking boundaries.
Yeah. They're on that cleaning crews list for sure. Yeah, exactly. Uh, but they, uh, it was so bad that the owners of the boat ended up selling the boat because they didn't want to deal with them. Okay.
But I've heard, and I've never owned a boat yet that you know of anyway. That is a tip off to the IRS. But I've heard that it's not fun after, I don't know, maybe like the initial excitement of getting a boat. There's a lot of upkeep with it. So I bet you, I bet you that these people after this happened and it hit the news, everybody was talking about mischievous mischievous. You heard about the new boat mischievous. And then they were like, oh, this boat is going to be worth way more now.
I think. And they sold it. I think it was good for them. I feel good for the local economy. Yeah, maybe.
But I think what happened was, uh, I think what happened was that they, uh, they knew this story hit, hit, uh, hit the news and everyone was saying, oh, mischievous. But have you heard about this moment mischievous? And they were like, oh crap. Everyone's going to come here for crazy sex parties. Like you thought it was bad before.
Imagine if every weekend it's just, hey, you ever hear of the orgy boat? Let's go have sex on the orgy boat.
Nah, my thing was the only one that happened. My thing's the only possibility.
Yeah, no, I'm sure that's what happened. They were, they were inundated with. Yeah. Yep. That's what happened. That is exactly what happened. And I'm seeing here that one of these guys.
Well, nevermind. I can't say this. Sorry.
Oh, yeah. Well, okay. So as some of the details are pretty explicit. Yes. Uh, one of the players, Bryant McKinney. Oh, I know what story you're going to be about to tell. Yeah. Uh, allegedly picked up, uh, uh, for those, for those who are listening and not watching. Um, have you never seen Raphael turn red? Gripping the chair. Okay.
So it's a woman who is, she has no clothes on. He places her on the bar and performs kind of lingus. On her in front of the crew and other guests.
Now, we just said that they hired. Who did they hire? They, they hired 55 strippers and prostitutes from New York, Miami, LA, and Texas.
And is this not notable that this, this guy is such a gentleman. Yeah. He made sure everybody had a good time. That's right. Man. That goes for a generosity. See what's the other word for generosity? Boy. It's chair.
Charity. Charitableness. Selfless selflessness.
Yeah. I'm in his voice. He is. That is an act of selflessness. Yes. I bet. That's good. I don't know. I don't know how often strippers get, kindling is performed on them by NFL lineman, but I bet it's less than they would want. So one more is always welcome. Oh, this was referred to by Fred Smoot as, which already Fred Smoot. Yeah. Anyway, Fred Smoot is one of, if you've never seen an interview with Fred Smoot, I just, I highly suggest everyone just take some time to just watch a YouTube clip of this man talking. Yeah. It's definitely country.
Cause he said, he described it as running through the okra patch. I've never heard that before. I don't even really know what it means. I've never seen an okra patch and he ran through it.
Whatever. No, no. Okay. You can use your imagination on that one. All right.
But you know, so, so speaking of Brian McKinney and Fred Smoot, everyone else on the team got off scot-free. There were no criminal charges except the two of them were someone guilty of being a nuisance on a watercraft, which is my favorite. That is my favorite thing to be guilty of. Wow. They took the fall and they didn't snitch.
That's right. That street cred did. Yep. So yeah.
So this scene, the 2005 Vikings, they went on to a nine and seven record. They missed the playoffs and understandably, coach Mike Tice was fired. What? See, I don't say after it seemed like a guy who had total control. It turns out that the administration had lost faith in him and his ability to control his players.
Unbelievable. Wow. This is really incredible. I mean, that was the tremendous story.
I'm sorry. I'm still stuck on running through the okra patch. What is he talking about?
I think that okra is grown. I've never had it before. I know that it's a vegetable. You've never had okra?
You've never been to like a barbecue place? I've been to a barbecue place.
Yeah. Like Bloodsauce has okra. It's really good. Oh, you have to order okra. Yeah.
I'm not ordering anything named okra. Why not?
Well, it sounds like a person. Is it good? It's good, really? It's good if it's prepared right. I don't know. It can be real bad. It can taste like grass or it can taste delicious. But yeah, it's good.
But, you know, I'm not from the south, so I can't say for sure. But I think that the implication there is that okra is grown in very swampy land.
Oh, okay. You asked the question. I don't like that.
He could have said running through a daisy patch. Frolicking in a meadow.
Yes, there are a lot of ways to describe. All right. Fred Smoot might be out, but the team still has hope. Yeah, I got to say. I mean, there are many categories where you're doing very well in. A swag category. Crime knowledge and getting away with crime. That is true.
There are several crimes that were gotten away with here. Yeah, because even when he did the, obviously he was trying to cheat the drug test, and he still got away with it. Yeah, he got away with that.
And I got to say, I think there were something like 20 players on that boat. Yeah. And none of them talked. You know the thing? Yeah, right. No, no. Not one of them said that. Yeah, that's loyalty.
And you know the thing that I love about LeBron is that he brought so much business to Cleveland. He brought just this one person brought so much. These guys, $80,000 on a boat.
They brought in 55 strippers and prostitutes. But those women probably got work on the side.
And they probably had to eat. They had to eat. They had to stay somewhere. They had to be housed.
There were 27 limos.
Don't tell me about an American hero. Yeah. A lot of what? I forgot to say.
I forgot to say, there's one for the love boat story that I forgot to mention, which I did love, which was that the reason that they got caught was it was because after they got off the boat, seven of the players went across the street and peed in somebody's lawn. And that woman called the cops and said, seven men are out on my lawn peeing. Oh, God. And that's how that's how the that's how they're not just one of them, but seven of them went over to her lawn and just peed on it.
You know what, Rob? I'm ready to make a call. All right. I think I've heard enough.
You've done well in many categories. And my final ruling on this is that the two thousand five Minnesota Vikings are in Raps Hall of Fame. They made it. It's been a long day. The 2005 Minnesota Vikings are in Raps Hall of Fame. They made it. Done.
I want you very much to drop. Thank you very much. That is a delightful story very encouraging. I hope you guys liked it as well Come back next time When we have another guest who tries to get their favorite into raps Hall of Fame. Thank you. Goodbye Click here to subscribe click here for more fun stuff and click here to leave a detailed message |
cracked | wizard_of_oz_was_fueled_by_meth_and_everybody_hating_somewhere_over_the_rainbow_cracked_fiend | Color television has been around for so long that even your grandparents probably don't remember how mind-blowing it was to see color television for the first time. You know what? We all know why we're here, don't we? Is it time to crack open a beer? Hey, if you're gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
What's the time over there? It's it's 10 a.m. Okay, so Jordan, what are we talking about today? We are talking about the Wizard of Oz. Mm-hmm.
And specifically, the most famous shot in the whole movie is where the whole movie to this point has been sepia tone black and white. Yeah. And then Dorothy's house lands in Oz and she opens the door and even though her house is still monochrome or black and white, out the door is all this brilliant color. Yeah, and this is the days before CGI, isn't it? And I'm kind of aware of how they did it and isn't it like just the house was painted in black and white and then the outside wasn't but there's presumably there's a twist here that I don't know. Yes, the house itself was actually painted black and white but what's cool is they actually took Judy Garland's stunt double, Dorothy's stunt double, and painted her black and white as well. And what's cool too is they do it all in one take. So it's basically from behind painted black and white Dorothy opens the door, the camera goes out and the not painted black and white Dorothy runs out in front of the camera so it kind of looks like it was all the same person, but they actually had both of them standing there the whole time. Yeah, it's just one seamless transition and it's probably one of the strongest special effects in cinema.
It's funny too because originally the idea was to do what you would kind of assume which is back in the day they would do a bunch of this, like to make something color they would actually have to go in and and paint color on to the film. Like they'd have to pay somebody. That sounds like a rough job. What's funny though is originally the plan was to do the exact opposite. They were gonna shoot the whole scene in color and then go in and paint everything black and white which would have been way less exciting. But also that's that sounds so weird to film it in color and then paint the frames black and white. It blows my mind. That's a solution someone thought of when clearly there's no easier way. We have to just paint every frame of the film. Can you think of a better solution? Nobody realized like we could just paint the actors. So that was the plan the whole time but the movie was going kind of over budget and they were getting worried that they wouldn't like nobody had actually figured out how they were gonna do that and save money.
The producers actually hated the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. The best song in the movie. Exactly like the most famous song the song that everybody still remembers.
They hated it so much. They forced the whole crew to go back to Kansas and like film a bunch of scenes where she did anything but talk about or you know rainbows or whatever. Just go to Kansas and be sad. It's like so just go to Kansas then.
And it's funny too because it's like it's such a good It's not only a good song, but it's kind of a good Like foreshadowing. I mean the whole point is it's black and white now, but it's gonna be color. It just fits the movie so well It's so goofy to think that they're like Yeah, let's see what this has to do with anything executive meddling will never cease to be hilarious to me the things that movie studios Like just cut it out.
That's like it just went is kind of trending on Twitter again a little bit But back to the future one of the executives wanted it to be called Space Man from Pluto. You ever seen this? I've watched that movie. Space Man from Pluto.
That's an awesome name. That's like Keanu Reeves whose real name in real life is Keanu Reeves and he was advised by his agent that that's too weird You can't have a name like that in Hollywood and they seriously advise him to change the name to Chuck Spadina Keanu is such like nobody else is gonna have that name, but they said yeah, it's not manly enough though It's too weird. His name is like waterfall in Hawaiian or something like that. No, Chuck.
You're Chuck Spadina now in the same vein The film John Wick wasn't called John Wick at first It was called Scorn and Keanu Reeves kept forgetting that it was called Scorn and in interviews has said Oh, it's I'm in a film called John Wick and then a producer would tap him. It's not John Wick It's Scorn and he apologized. Oh, it's Scorn And then they realized that he'd said that it was called John Wick so much news Started reporting it as being called John Wick. Well, it's gonna cost us more money to correct the mistake than just roll with it The guy that wrote that movie Derek Colstod or something he He's been trying to write a movie for like 10 years and he's written a bunch of scripts and he basically hadn't had any thing Hit I think he he had like one script that somebody bought but then he wrote John Well, he wrote Scorn and somehow it ended up with Keanu Reeves who freakin loved it And he was saying like how wild it was that one day he wasn't he wasn't getting anywhere And then the next day Keanu Reeves is in his house jumping from couch to couch Reenacting doing cool ass moves.
Keanu Reeves learned all that in real life, didn't he? He could actually do all the stunts you see and I'm hoping I'm not sure. Can we play clips in these? Yeah, it just kind of like we just throw it behind you Oh, we need the audio for this one because Keanu Reeves do his own gun noises for half of the scenes So Yeah, he made his own gun noises as he's doing like the behind-the-scenes just gun-fu martial arts Apparently you and McGregor did that as well for the lightsaber noises prequel Star Wars. Yes, it's like That's apparently a huge problem on Star Wars They can't convince actors not to do the noise and there's a bike Industry rumor that I'm inclined to believe that they spent a not insignificant amount of money Editing those noises out because it's easier than telling the actors not to do it That's funny and probably having to like CG their mouth closed or something Oh, man George Lucas would do it Like CGI in rocks to make R2D2 hide and the Ewok eyes When each CGI Ewok eyelids that's when you know a man is obsessed when he's sat there in the director's chair Like the Ewoks need eyelids is very important that he walks have eyelids I feel like that's very indicative of a person who has no new ideas Where they just kind of are like I'm gonna go back and just continue to fix the one thing that I made that I really liked I kind of wish though that he'd never sold it so we could see what he'd do now I kind of wish that he kept releasing it so you saw more and more stuff being added Again, I hope we put clips in because if you by any chance ever seen the behind the scenes Animatics for what some of the early like prequel trilogy fights are meant to look like no I haven't they are incredible because they just use bad CGI models To showcase what the fights would look like and they have one for the Emperor versus Yoda and they just have this bad CGI Yoda slide into frame and just rock backwards and forwards with his lightsaber And in that early cut of the fight scene Yoda throws the Senate seat back at the Emperor Okay, in the early CGI cut the Emperor was supposed to jump in it and fly out of the Senate in it And I'm so pissed off I didn't make it into the final movie and I just realized we're talking about UFO Emperor Palpatine instead of The Wizard of Oz, maybe we should get back on track.
What's this about the Wizard of Oz and just painting people? Well, I was gonna I was gonna say we're talking about like having that Mess with actors or edit actors or whatever one of the funny. Well, it's not very funny I guess one of the interesting things about that movie is how many actors almost died on it The Tin Man was it is that famous one the paint?
Suffocated skin. Yeah, it's it's interesting that it took them so long to think about painting Dorothy's double when the whole movie like the witch caught on fire or something because of her paint and And that can't be real because that happens in the movie because that's that's how they kill the witch Isn't she catches on fire and they throw water on it Or is it the the scarecrow catches fire and they throw water on the witch accidentally Are you saying the wicked witch and the West caught on fire? Yeah, she got a third-degree burns. She caught on fire Oh, no. Oh, no, we could which That's a bad day.
I guess it's a good way to get reaction from an actor. You can't fake being on fire I think some of it is just she always appeared in like a cloud of smoke and firecrackers So I think a couple of times those those work too. Well, she she provided her own smoke with her flaming body And it's a shame that it wasn't a modern production because you know, they had footage of that somewhere I'm presumably got deleted or discarded but that would be a hell of a deleted scene Be like the darkest blooper reel of all time. Yes Isn't as well with the Wizard of Oz yeah, you might better help me on this one I is there a person dead in the Wizard of Oz or is that like an urban myth? One of the munchkins hung themselves in the background or something. Yeah, it's an urban myth It's one of those things I've heard so much I've heard it both ways and I've never been sure if it's people debunking it or people re Unbunking it whether the term would be According to Snopes, it is false. It is for the witch caught on fire but the witch did catch on fire and For Dorothy they they they thought the producers thought she was overweight She's 16 by the way, and they got it so that what they did for rapid weight loss They got her addicted to meth and then they had her smoke 80 cigarettes a day 80 cigarettes a day How did she amazing with huh? Like she would I was gonna say Maybe that's why they cut somewhere over the rainbow initially. This is just like this smoker Somewhere and just just sound like a Tom Waits cover What does that look like in the lunch room When everyone's sitting down in full costume and she sits down and they get served a plate with 20 cigarettes on it Is that that's your lunch and then just you've got like just follow it up with just a nice line of math And I'm probably going to regret asking this but was there anybody else on the set of this movie who got grievously injured?
We already kind of mentioned ten man, but there's a there's an extra element of it, which is yes He he wore like poisonous aluminum dust But actually it was so bad that it caused his lungs to fail He had to actually be taken to the hospital and when the director was like, where the hell is he? Why isn't he on set? Yeah, he was like I'm dying cuz I'm I breathing aluminum and the director said what are you talking about? It's pure aluminum It's pure poison, you know, yeah, it's it's it's healthy and they actually fired the original ten man because they didn't believe him they fired it In his hospital bed In his little bed with like the big cartoon ice pack on his head on a ventilator He's definitely faking it.
He clearly doesn't want to go to work anymore Right. It's like what is his motivation? Why would he fake it? Like why would he need the day off?
Like it's just funny to think that it's this elaborate ruse that the ten man was like, okay I don't want to work today So I'm gonna pretend that my lungs are failing So if you're gonna get a day off just say you got diarrhea cuz no one ever follows up with that question I have a bad case of diarrhea If you just call up just say I've got horrible horrible that you were not gonna get anybody doing follow-up questions That one but the one I know about but the costuming on that film is that the cowardly lions outfit was made from real lions like real lion pelts and when you look at it and you go a lion died for that That lions look so awesome And then they presumably skin several of them to create this costume for the cowardly lion. He looks terrible I know. Yeah, it took an awesome lion and made it this really shitty costume It's like that those awful taxidermied lions that you see just on the Internet Joe in old castles in Germany Is that one where he has the weird crazy Gene Simmons tongue?
Right, and then have you ever seen the overstuffed walrus? The story goes someone hunted a walrus and sent the pelt Home their castle or something like that and said I want it to mount this deadly creature that I hunted and they didn't realize that Walruses were supposed to have wrinkles So they just kept putting more and more stuffing in so they stopped having wrinkles and you just result in just this immense walrus It's very weird It's like you don't think about how many wrinkles they have until you're looking at one without and you're like, oh, yeah A walrus should not be smooth. I'm just gonna put out last smooth walruses are cursed images Just we sent the walrus house as well who brags about hunt in a walrus so they like pretty days it's like just this blob of meat and blubber just on a beach and There's some guy went up and stabbed it went. Yes. I have conquered the deadliest of Earth's creatures the walrus On the on the cowardly line, by the way, apparently Dorothy Again, the the meth addicted nicotine addicted child who was just there trying to do her job.
Yes she kept giggling at the cowardly lion because he's supposed to be funny and he looks dumb as hell and Every time she did the director would take her side and just slap her. Oh That's like that's like a William Friedkin style thing on the set of The Exorcist where he would slap actors That's apparently like an old directing technique to get people to look Sufficiently frazzled on camera where for scenes in The Exorcist where people are supposed to look like I have like trembling hands Because they're just so exhausted. He would just slap them very hard across the face Or and he would also hide guns around the set and fire them randomly into the air When people want me to look shocked It's funny because we we give so much shit to like modern directors that film everything on CG But there's something to be said. It feels like cheating like Stanley Kubrick like actively hunting Shelley Duvall over all over the shining To make her look scared. It's like yeah Cheating since the beginning we've been putting our Actors like getting them hooked on meth so that they look the way that we want or whatever It's it's just it's actually a safer way of doing this crazy thing. We've always done The only risk that you have is that it might look bad But I think that's a risk worth taking when the alternative is getting children addicted to meth and they can smoke 80 cigarettes a day Whilst backhand in them for laughing at a man dressed like a lion And it's weird to think that all of those things combined to result in one of the most wonderful and just adorable Family-friendly films of all time and just behind the scenes. It's just a child being repeatedly slapped |
cracked | fox_whores_itself_for_cookies | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off Fox's own Dr. Manny as he flexes his medical muscle in a segment on the cookie diet. Hello and welcome to Health Talk. I'm Dr. Manny.
Tell me specifically how eating cookies, because I got some cookies here, how do they work? Or how does it work? There is no magic in these cookies. They simply control hunger. The particular mixture of amino acids, proteins, that are in these cookies are the single most effective way of controlling hunger. These cookies like my mama used to make, you know, with the butter and the dough.
No. Were you even listening? I know it's called the cookie diet, but it's not meant to be taken literally. You know, like the way they call Fox a news network. Or you, a medical doctor.
Josie is your patient, right? Josie has lost phenomena. No, let me tell you, Josie, you look marvelous. Thank you. I know Dr. Manny makes that reference to Billy Crystal's Fernando character look effortless and hilarious. But trust me, he went through a string of dated and unfunny TV catchphrases before settling on just the right one. Well, let me tell you, Josie. I trauma. Let me tell you, Josie. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Josie.
What's your job? How long did it take you to?
I mean, when did you see the weight coming off? When was the first time you said, Oh my God, this is really working. About a month and a half is when I noticed I went down a full size.
You know, it just occurred to me that this isn't a report. It's a commercial and not a commercial for evil, like the kind Sean Hannity does every night, but a real infomercial. You know, I haven't been this disgusted with Fox News since Bill O'Reilly's undercover expose on exercise trends turned out to be just a shameless plug for the people at Jazzercise. I mean, look, I think that this is an incredible idea and it's very good. I mean, anything that makes people lose weight is great. Really?
Well, you're the doctor. So if the cookie diet doesn't work out for you, here are some other weight loss techniques personally endorsed by Dr. Manny. Well, Dr. Manny, it wasn't perfect. But in fairness to you, I have to admit this was probably still the second most enjoyable interview on cookies I've ever seen. Asking questions is a good way to find out about things like, like cookies.
That's eight by numbers. And that's all for now. |
TheOnion | Malicious_Focus_Group_Convinces_Marketers_Cinnamon_Mountain_Dew_Is_The_Next_Big_Thing | Officials at PepsiCo announced today the upcoming launch of Mountain Dew Cinnablast after the company's market research team unknowingly fell victim to a malicious focus group that convinced them cinnamon flavored Mountain Dew was the next big thing. We were a little unsure as to whether or not people would be on board with cinnamon flavored Mountain Dew, but the people in the focus group, they just loved it. They couldn't get enough of it. And then they said, the more cinnamon the better, so we are going to put in more cinnamon. We are really excited for people to try this product. According to PepsiCo's data, all gathered from a single group of ill-intentioned respondents, customers of all ages will love the new soft drink's murky, brownish-green color and will soon be lining up to try the carbonated beverage jam-packed with ground cinnamon. Various members of the focus group told reporters they believed the company had made a great decision. Cinnablast is the best. Imagine all of Mountain Dew's citrus flavor mixed with the overwhelming taste of pure cinnamon bark.
I mean, I can't wait to tell all of my friends to go buy this thing. Uh, yeah. Our whole group pretty much agreed. The only way they could make it better is if they took a couple of raw eggs, mixed them up in the bottle. People would go nuts. For more on this story, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | 4_sexy_and_depressing_french_films_you_need_to_see_cracked_staff_picks_movie_debate | Do you speak French in this episode? Uh, I don't.
Bonjour and welcome to Staff Fix. I'm Danielle Radford and this is the show where me and my friends curate the selection of a video rental store to be. We are once again filming at Fil noir Cinema, which is a combination of a video rental store and a theater. I'm here joined by Staff Fix President, Jordan Olds. More like Prime Minister. Movie critic, Black Belt, Jordane Searles. And my permanent co-host, Patrick Williams.
This week, we're talking about the only movie era that is somehow both going through its angsty teen years and its midlife crisis. French New Wave.
Danielle, would you like to go first? I would.
French New Wave is a huge blind spot for me. This is something that I'm like recently kind of discovering, which I am super happy I did. After watching some French New Wave, I am going with Shoot the Piano Player. It is a really genuinely funny movie.
Essentially, a huge mystery starts because someone realizes that the only reason that they got to the place that they were at in their career was because it was bought and paid for by their wife. So it's like imposter syndrome also, the movie. And then there's death and murder.
I think this is going to be something that resonates throughout all of these pics. You can go through and point out, oh, that scene reminds me of Mad Men. That scene reminds me of this. You can see which scenes of which of these movies influenced other movies, but aside from obviously cultural impact, it's just actually genuinely really funny.
I thought it was funny when I heard that French New Wave was our topic for this episode because this movie, like many French New Wave movies, I watched in a class in college, watched that in Cinema 101 freshman year, and have not seen it since then. So the fall of 2006 was when I last watched Shoot the Piano Player.
I think that one of the fair criticisms of French New Wave is that sometimes it can take itself a little too seriously. This does not. This is a satire. It is goofy as hell. Man, I got to watch this again. I think when I was 18, I didn't even register as a satire because I was stupid.
You brought up a really good point about this whole movement. It's easy to kind of forget what is important about it because it's so in the blood of everything. The fact that we're even talking about directors as the artists is from this. Right. It's from this whole movement. Yeah, because, you know, these movies are basically like a bunch of film critics who are obsessed with American movies. We're like, what if we made our own? Right. And sometimes they satirize them and turn them into something that is genuinely really funny.
Patrick, do you want to? I'd be happy to. I would love that.
It is a movie that is completely sung. There aren't musical numbers. It is just all sung straight through. All the dialogue is just everyone singing the entire movie. There aren't even like specific songs in it. It's just like... Everyone's singing their lines. Exactly. Yeah, singing in conversation. They're just walking around on set singing dialogue scenes. The whole thing is sung straight through.
It's a love story about these two people in this small town. But then they are separated and minor spoilers. It is not like a deep tragedy but it is not like a... There's not literally a happy ending to it. It's a very bittersweet movie.
Things don't really work out for them but the whole thing is so colorful and so vivid and looks like a Hollywood technicolor musical. And so Demise is really playing around with that and tone and aesthetics and everything. It's one of the best looking things ever. There's really... There's nothing quite like it.
You describing this, I'm like, I am so mad. He was married to Agnes Varda. Damn. Yeah, they were like the power couple of the French New Wave.
Yeah, we're gonna get to her. I chose Cleo from 5 to 7. Classic Agnes Varda film and it really just takes place during a couple hours in this woman's life. And it starts with, she's a singer, she's young, she's beautiful. Whole world in front of her but she gets this tarot reading that really shakes her at the beginning.
And she's waiting to find out the results of a biopsy. So she's basically trying to think, wondering like, how am I gonna die? I don't know.
And meanwhile it's just her living her life in that time. We just get to spend time with her and it's very episodic in ways and it's just really...
It's just really beautiful. I love it. It's very good.
I'm like really genuinely writing everything down right now because there is so much that I need to watch. And this is another one that I watched for a class in college and need to watch again because it's been so long.
I mean, if you're a film person, you know, you write for Agnes. You have to write for Agnes if you're a film person.
Of course. Sarah Jessica Parker did an American version of it that no one has seen. Oh my god! Wait, what? Yeah, it's called Here and Now. Oh, I do remember that. I never saw it. Yeah, it's done by a French director, but not like a super major one or anything. Yeah, it was very much her passion project is her doing for her. Oh my god!
It's kind of amazing how many Americans have been like, oh, I'm gonna remake these French things. Like Chris Rock, I Think I Love My Wife.
One of the worst movies I've ever seen, just the most basic, oh my god.
Doesn't he listen to the killers in it? Doesn't he, like, purchase Sam's Town? I believe that he does.
We'll have an opportunity to talk about Chris Rock at some point. Jordan, bring us home, the man who decided we should do French New Wave. You must be excited to talk about it. I threw it out there because it's one of the things that I know.
He does the most fourth wall breaking and whatnot and like, I'm in a movie, you're in a movie, but Yeah, I think that that's fair. Oh, that's right. He is the original cinematic edgelord. That's true. Godard is bizarre because when I hear his stuff described, I'm like, I think I'm gonna hate this. Right. Because it's such high levels of pain in the assery. Yeah.
And then you see it executed and you're like, this is great. Like I love this movie. This movie is a fucking pain in the ass and it's annoying on purpose. And I think it is also art. It's great.
This movie is about French people that are bored. It's like having an affair and then just doing more crime and trying to feel alive again, which is the Frenchist shit I've ever heard. I was like literally just about to say, I can't think of anything that is more Frenchy new wavy than just like having an affair and doing crime.
Yeah. It's literally this guy goes to a party and like it's in true Godard fashion. Like it's just people talking. Everyone at the party is talking like an advertisement.
And the guy's like, oh, I'm so bored to fuck this. It's my boring wife and my many children. And he runs away with his ex girlfriend.
And it's the movie is so beautiful looking. And I'm like, this is every point is annoying, but that's also the point. You're making such a case for this. Yeah. This is this thing is fucking awesome.
Sexy French depression is a real thing. I'm sorry. There's a reason why there was a song called that in Crazy Ex Girlfriend that kind of like, I am French and I am bored. My ennui.
It feels like a stereotype, but watching it, you're like, I do. I know this feeling. All of these feel like the whole purpose of this entire movement is to put the feelings out there to experiment.
The whole movie is about like whether he and this woman really love each other and like what love really kind of is. And she kind of betrays him. And so he kills her.
And then because it feels all so meaningless and chaotic and he's bored, he ties dynamite around his head and he lights the fuse. And then right before it goes off, he goes, oh, this is silly and tries to put it out. And he still blows himself up.
I think a great thing about. It's fucking dark. It's crazy. This movie. About French New Wave and this era is that it's during a period in at least American culture, a lot of other culture where it's very stiff up for Liffey. And I think there's a correlation between that and like now with everyone telling everything on Tumblr, on Twitter, on everything.
And that's how you get your feelings out. Like this is, you know, movie about getting out your feelings. I think Jean-Luc had a lot of feelings. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Boku to feelings.
For real, for real. Busted on God. French. So we've got all of these great movies. Jordan, you really were convincing. Yours is the only one I have not seen of these. And you made such a strong case that I'm now the most excited about it. I mean, here's the thing.
You said they sing everything in the movie and it's beautiful. I guess also this movie also has insane colors in it. Pierre Lefou is just bright, vibrant the whole time. It looks like the Festival of Colors from Sholay, but the whole time. So it kind of feels like your movie encapsulates a lot of what the other stuff is.
And is a great like entry point. Yeah. I feel like he's, Godard's like the guy, right? Well, I don't know if Shofar was also the guy. Totally. Again, it's a good entry point. It's a way for people to find and get into.
I get, but it also is like Umbrellas or Clio are also very good options because like this is a lot to go at. Like I got it, but it is, it's a deep end and it has everything that French New Wave represents. It's ennui, it's jump cuts, it's editing out of order. It's all the, all of that stuff is why I'd be totally down with picking this. That sounds exciting.
My girlfriend hasn't seen this. I don't know anyone who's seen this movie. I'd never get to talk about it. Well, I mean, the literal point of the show is convincing people that you could watch something you haven't seen.
Yeah. And you just did that. So I think that that's the winner. I think that's what we're going with. I think, I think that that's it. I don't know the word for winner in French, but our selection here is Jean-Luc Godard's Pierrot Le Fou. Because Jordan is just so goddamn passionate about it that he sold us all. Oui bien. And so that brings us to the conclusion. Le Fan of another episode of Staff Peaks.
No, that's racist. That's not racist. French people. Nope. It's not racist.
They're white. Well, and I mean, there, there are, there are not white, but you know, they're not that great to non-white people either.
So you know what? They deserve to take an L. I will say there is a very un-okay scene in this movie from 1968 and it is French. Oh yeah. They're, they're in all of these. So, so that's a, you know, part of your pitch for it. I won't tell you what it is. You'll have to watch to find out. Did you just reading rainbow a problem at it? Yeah. But don't take my word for it.
C'est le fan de cette episode. I'm not sure if all those words were correct, but it doesn't matter because that is the end of our French New Wave episode. Thank you so much for watching.
This has been Staff Peaks. I'm Patrick Willems. This is Jordan Searles. This is Danielle Radford. This is Jordan Olds.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time.
Like and ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
No, no. I learned it from Keenan Thompson on All That. He was teaching us French in that bathtub. He's never wrong.
Oh my God. We got to do Italian films too so that we can do Italian Elon Musk. Oh my God. I launcher the cannoli into space. |
SaturdayNightLive | cigarette_show_snl | You're watching mnn Manhattan Public Access at 2 p.m. It's what's that puddle at 1 P.m It's inside the Actors Studio apartment, but we now go live to John Jay Park that wins at me. Hi, I'm Camilla, Double Diamonds and I'm Terry.
Before this is our show cigarette show we have not agreed on the name yet. Here we talk about the dying heart of smoking cigarettes and give cigarette smokers a voice which unfortunately sounds like this: We we work down the street at Lenox Hill Hospital where our job is. We hold you still during an Mri. Yeah, we do this show here because you can't smoke within 50 feet of the hospital. and this is 51, Okay as always. We're joined by our band leader who is also our boss. Lifelong smoker, Dr. Lonnie rates deepest. Thank God for you smoking nurses. you remind me of the good old days. I love you Lonnie, You know that three of us were used to hate each other for many reasons. it turns out we all smoke.
Snow friends, you'll only need seven minutes to really know someone. cigarettes. Now, it's time for our first segment Places. We have ash this week. Sure, the floor bedpan, dog Estray, where'd you ash Lonnie A baked ziti for seasoning? It's time to bring out our guests here to talk about smoking overseas. it's some French tourists I met at Jfk. Please welcome Brigitte and Florian!
This is a Kinky Boots. This is a park next to a playground next to a hospital by the river.
Ah cool. that is so New York Apple is at his big Tell us something about smoking in France. well say normal, But one difference. In America you smoke like this. In a France we smoke like this. Oh, I get it, they're using tongue. Hey Lonnie, tell us about when you used to smoke in the hospital. Oh, it was wonderful back then and the best was obstetrics Cuz I knock out the mother with laughing gas, perch my ass tray on a belly, pull the baby out, and give him a drag. you don't know used to be during a long surgery. the nurse would come in and carve a roast beef table side. Wow, so New York. How else is our smoking in France? In America? you smoke after sex?
What? And in France we marry our husband's father? Well, it seems like something got a little lost in translation there. But time for the educational portion of the show. Things we heard.
I I heard that if you smoke a lot, it's actually better than if you smoke a little. I heard that if you're smoking bad, it's more comfortable. I heard that the show that is very good is a Kinky Boots. I heared the M&m store now sells spaghetti. Cigarettes are under attack in America. Sure the bad for you and they kill you. but what people forget is that they look cool and they feel good And also they kill you which sometimes can be a positive cosign. Now before we wrap things up. let's thank today's sponsor right. our sponsor today is Umbrella. you can smoke in the rain with umbrella but not a vape cuz those will blow up in your face when they're wet.
That's all the time we have Brigitte and Florianne this has been smoke show that's cute. I like that. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_religious_cult_members_on_the_weather_saturday_night_live | And now here with the weekend weather, two guys from a religious cult, the hungry claw of the evil one will reach into the throat of all you consider holy and pull its bloodless chest, your hopes and desires and burn them into a black inferno of deceit and madness. You've already got one foot in hell. Taste the fire as you twist within the howling maelstrom of the insane undead. can you not see red-warm death? hear the screams of the children? It's your blood they want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Two guys from a religious cult. they, you know, these folks aren't interested in all this. Save it for your meetings. Believe me, everybody. their first-rate meteorologists. I saw the dance of with the unblinking eye and the unspeakable hound sated himself and the black oceans of hell. Guys, guys, guys, I know this is something that you and your friends are enthusiastic about here.
But please, let's just get to the weather, huh? Tonight, partly cloudy. chance of scattered showers. Okay, how about the visibility? Fog in low-lying areas? All right, let's look at your five-day forecast forecast. Sunday and Monday will be sunny and seasonably cool. then the real fire begins. I hope all your days are sunny.
Bye. bye Thanks, fellas. Two guys from a religious cult. |
dropout | girls_watch_porn_too | Every day, millions of women worldwide have to face the misconception that they don't watch porn, that only guys get turned on by watching a girl with huge boobs get raw-dogged from behind. But the truth is, I watch porn. I watch porn. I watch porn too, frequently.
We have the internet too, you know. And it's time for the world to know it. It is time for us to scream at the top of our lungs.
I watch porn.
And I really, really enjoy it. It's time for us to accept our sexual progressive tastes and say, I like POV. I like bondage. I like it when a guy c***s in a girl's c*** hole and then gets another girl to c*** out his c*** with a straw.
Now a lot of you might be asking, how could women possibly enjoy porn? To those people we say, have you seen porn? How could we not enjoy it?
I mean, come on. It's great. Two people having awesome sex. But you bring up a good point.
Hey porn industry, where's the porn for us? How about the reverse of Bang Bus? Where girls find hot guys to have sex with them. Because let's face it, that version would be much more believable. And you know, what about getting some good looking guys? I mean, men get Jenna James in. And who's the most famous male porn star? Come on. It can't be too hard to find a good looking guy willing to have sex with the porn star on camera. And we could do without all those close ups of a**holes. Do guys even want to see that? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_pregnant_man_saturday_night_live | Hello. excuse me. Oh, hey. it's me, Thomas Beattie, the pregnant man that was on Oprah because I'm pregnant. And a man. Oh, right. Hello. yeah, hey, Thomas. what's up? Hi, Thomas. how are you?
No, nothing's up. it's just, you know, I'm having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate. And I wanted you two to be there, So. great. really, you're having a baby shower, huh? Yeah, I am. And you two have to come. it's gonna be just like any other dude's baby shower. pull open presents, and there'll be beers in the icebox for all the bros not carrying little hoes. I don't know. that could be kind of fun. Yeah.
Seth? yeah, I don't know. come on, dude. did I mention the stripper? no. did I mention she's also pregnant? It's a celebration of life. it's just that I don't mean. First of all, stop turning back and forth. you're really so crazy. I've seen pregnant ladies, and they don't constantly turn back and forth. they might. they might. You haven't seen any pregnant ladies. what pregnant lady have you seen? I don't know. it's just, I don't mean any offense, pregnant guy.
I just find this whole thing a little weird. right. right. Look, Seth, I understand my situation. it's unconventional. Yeah, it is. it's unconventional.
But in the end, all I'm doing is making a baby. hey, do you want to feel my stomach? Oh. oh, my god. I felt a kick. no, that was my dog. Oh. sleep in the shower. I'm pregnant. I'm trying to see you. |
TheOnion | SHOCKER_SNL_Kills_Off_Beloved_Seth_Meyers_Character_Brought_To_You_By_Late_Night_With_Seth_Meyers | Starfix brought to you by late night with Seth Meyers Wow people are still talking about the shocking twist in the most recent episode of SNL Viewers couldn't believe their eyes as the show killed off fan favorite character Seth Meyers Just as Meyers was about to utter his catchphrase I'm Seth Meyers his young protege Cecily strong reached out and stabbed him in the neck with a sharp penknife Stunned fans flocked online to share their reaction.
Oh not Seth.
He was so relatable Wasn't he the protagonist?
I'm not watching the show anymore.
They just killed the last likable character I'm joined now by Stephanie black who is a die-hard SNL head Stephanie Did you see this coming at all definitely not but NBC did promote the new season of SNL by promising someone would die That's true But we all expected it to be a more minor character like Bobby Moynihan or Vanessa Bayer It just goes to show that on SNL nobody is safe, and that's what makes it such a good show Absolutely over the years fans have had to say goodbye to such popular characters as Norm Macdonald and the making copies guy Tim Meadows and Sally O'Malley the woman who is 50 But at the end of the day no one was sadder to see the Seth Meyers character Go then the man who brought him to life actor Steve Peterson who said quote This was the role of a lifetime, and I'm sad to go But those writers are brilliant, and I know they killed me off for a reason I cried when I read the script for the first time any chance NBC resurrects the character for a spin-off series Rumor has it NBC may be bringing the Seth Meyers character back for a spin-off late-night drama about an unhealthy man Obsessed with celebrities, that's too bad.
You know as much as I love the Seth Meyers character I really feel like this wrapped up his story arc perfectly.
I don't want to see him again Next up that book in the front of Barnes & Noble is a movie now |
CrackerMilk | prank_calling_youtube_celebrities_crackermilk_podcast_episode_5 | Is this Disney dominating an entire market? 60% of the film market?
Because I've assembled the Avengers of Pranksters here today my friends. And we're going to prank some YouTube celebrities! Who are we going to prank today, boss? We're pranking...
Have you heard of Marty and Michael? What a bunch of fucking good people. They're great. They're really good. I love it.
Please don't fire me. We're going to prank them and then they're not even going to see it. Come on, I'm going to put my number on blocked. They're going to have no idea.
What should we do for it? What prank? We should tell them we're a pizza delivery person and their pizza is out the front of their house. Yeah, and when they go out to the front of their house, we're like, haha, prank!
No, no, no. Hello, is this Marty? Is this Marty? Yeah.
Hey, it's just Domino's here. We've just got your two pizzas.
Shut up, shut up. Don't tell them.
They're just out the front. Just out the front there.
Come out. Yeah, yeah. Hang on a minute, there's no one out there. Oh, what do you see?
I had a feeling it was a prank call. No, no. It's not a prank. Nah, just kidding, prank call here. Yeah, prank call podcast mate.
Congratulations. We got him. He got him real good.
This sounds like, this sounds like, prank on the dead, that YouTube channel. Ah, you fucking god. Hey, you knew it, you knew it. If you tell fucking anyone about this, I swear to god. I swear to god. I swear to fucking god.
Okay? Fuck you god. Okay?
We're not going to call you back in ten minutes, so just enjoy your pizza. I'm fucking praying. There's another pizza delivery coming in ten minutes.
Make sure you have your phone. Yeah, make sure your phone's on you.
Just unrelated in the next ten minutes, okay? So confused right now. Okay, dude.
Fuck you, you've been fucking pranked. Pranked.
I think we're in the clear. Hey there, it's Domino's. We got a couple of pizzas out in the front for you. Did that you ordered. We got them out in the front. Yeah.
Yeah, just have a look. What do you see? There's nothing out there.
Ah, fuck yeah. Get fucking pranked. We got him.
It's not crack and milk. It's not.
No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, this is Domino's. This is Domino's.
You guys made me cry. Ah. Use those tears to jerk yourself off because you're going to die alone. Fuck you.
I reckon that went really well, guys. Yeah, we got it.
Yeah. Oh.
Give me that. Let me. Give me that.
Let me kiss you. Okay. You can kiss me. Yeah. Are they going to kiss?
Oh no. He's choking him. Is he? Are you enjoying that? Yeah, he loves it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I came. Holy shit. I actually made me lightheaded.
Guys, you know what segment it is now? What? It's time to prank call someone.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
I love prank calls. Hello, this is Dominos. Oh, hey. Hey, dude, you've got some pizza out the front. We're just going to let you know that your pizza order is out the front.
What do you mean? I stopped eating bread. What do you eat now? I just eat flour. Well, do you want to know? What are we going to do with this pizza?
Shut up. Don't tell me.
Hey, do you want to know something? Are you going to know? Wait, you're filming something today. What are you guys doing? Uh, I'll tell you what we're doing.
We're pranking you. We got him. Got him again. We fucking got you. What a fuckwit. Pranked. Gotcha.
I think it's like, I think it's called Marty and Michael or some shit. I have no idea who that is or what they do. Who are you talking about? I don't know who that is.
It just got bleeped out. Anyway, well, you know the ultimate prank? There's two pizzas out the front of your door and you can't eat them because you don't eat bread.
Fuck those guys. Fuck them.
Let's prank call our VFX editor, Josh Kell. He works a full time job at a post production house. He's very busy. I'm going to bother him right now.
Hey dude. How are you doing? What's that? How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. How are you?
I just wanted to cover a couple of things. Um, this is actually Domino's pizza and you've got two pizzas just waiting out the front that you've ordered. No, it wasn't me. No, no, no. Well, it was. It says here Josh Kell ordered two pizzas, one Meat Lovers, one Supreme. Correct? They're just out. Well, why don't you just go have a look outside? No. Are you sure? They're yummy pizzas. No, please don't call this number again.
We're knocking on the door. We're knocking. Hello? See that? We're at the door, dude.
Open up. Open the fucking door. Open the door, dude. Open the door. Open the fucking door.
This is the police. I mean, Domino's. This is Domino's.
No, no. Can I tell you something, dude? Can I just tell you something before you go?
You've been fucking pranked. Pranked, bitch. Got pranked.
Fucking got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pranked.
Oh, that's weird. Is your phone ringing? Yeah, it is. Sorry, guys. I'm just getting a phone call.
No worries. Just take it. Yeah, just take it. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's fine. We are in the middle of a podcast, but it's fine. No, it's fine. Sorry, you said you could take it. Don't worry about it.
Hello? Hey, is this Gabby Hubbard? Yeah. Who is this? Yeah, do you just want to go check that just the front door there? What's up Gabby? What's going on?
Someone's calling, they're saying that I've got a couple of pizzas out the front. Oh, did you hear that? The door's knocking, it's Domino's here, go get your pizzas. Did you order pizzas? Yeah, no that's strange, I didn't actually order pizzas.
Yeah. No worries. And what do you see? Or is it a pranked? Ahhhh!!!! We got it! Work!
Get fucking pranked! Pranked!
Fuck you! Fuck you for what you did! Fuck you!
That was a fucking sick prank. That was a fucking sick prank target. We got it. Pranked. Ah, not again Ah, that was a fucking sick prank. I'm not sure what to do when they, when they do this, back where they're at. That was a fucking sick, that was a fucking sick.
Hell yeah. Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
Pranked. Wow, they're doing it. Gabby, what do we do when they do that? I just, I want to look at it, because it's- Do evil. Do evil. That was a good fucking- I'm just not sure, yeah.
That was funny. Yeah, okay. Good prank. Whoo! Good prank. Come on. Come on, man. Let's get it. Oi, oi, oi. Let's prank. Let's prank someone. Okay.
Next part of the segment. Let's do it this time. Next segment. Are we ready for the next segment?
Can I hear a yes? I'm ready. Sure, fine. Can I hear a yes? Yes. Wow! That'll do. All right. This segment's called Prank Call, and we're gonna prank call someone. Cool. Are you ready? Yeah.
Let's prank call Tom. No, this is a busy meeting. Oh, I know who to prank. We're gonna prank one of our writers, Jared Harker. Our writers. Hags out with me during the week and play Super Smash Bros. That's a prank.
Shh, shh, shh. In itself. Shh, shh.
Yeah, you do this one. Come up with something new. Do something inventive in you.
Hey. Hello. Is this Jared Harker? Hey, how are you?
Yeah, this is Domino's Pizza. We're just out the front with two pizzas. Oh, free pizza. No, no, no. You paid for these pizzas. You ordered these pizzas, sir, and we're just out the front. If you could just answer the door. The door is ringing. Hello, it's Domino's. This is partner two. Pizzas are here. Come get them. So, these are free. No, no, no. You paid for these pizzas.
If you could just walk out the front door, sir, and check and tell us what you see. Just remember just to bring cash because we don't have F-post machine. And we need you to wear its formal attire at the door, please. So, if you could wear a full suit, please, when you answer the door, that would be great.
This is Domino's. This is not a prank call. This is Domino's. Definitely Domino's.
My pizza suit to the drag cleaners. No, no, no. We don't want your pizza suit. It's a proper suit, sir. A full suit. It's gotta be formal. It's a three pizza suit. Three pizza suit is the one. After, it's Domino's. This. No, I always wear this suit to get pizza.
Well, can we tell you something? Can we tell you something?
You don't need to wear your suit because, because this is a prank. This is a prank. Oh, it's a prank.
Fuck you. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuckin' stupid.
There's no pizza.
Honestly, honestly, what you? What? Listen to me. Okay. Listen to me now, okay? Uh-huh. He hung up. I'm not sure what happened to him. I don't know what it is about pranks, but they're just gonna be so fuckin' wrecked. Sorry? What did you just say?
Yeah, let's do another prank call. I'm nearly there. Let's do. I think we should take a break from the prank call. No, I think we should do another one.
Let's call Jared again. Original, do a new prank. Do a new prank.
Oh, fuck. Fuck. Shit, what do we do?
No worries. Okay. Listen, listen.
Two Supremes. Hang on, is this really Domino's? Yeah, this is Domino's, the headquarters. Two Supremes.
I trust him, I trust him. What do we have on the menu, so what do we have on the order so far? Can you just repeat it back to us? Yeah, and so on the list you have, this is not Domino's.
Oh! He got us! I'm gonna blow my load! He got us! He fucking got us!
What do we do? I'm gonna blow. Oh, fuck, I'm so close. What do we do?
One more prank call. One more prank call, and I'm definitely gonna know. We can't prank call anymore, why not? What do we do? Cause he pranked us!
Does that mean I'm gonna have blue balls? I don't want blue balls! I need to call my mum. I don't want blue balls.
Hey guys, thanks so much for listening to the cracker milk podcast. If you wanna help me out with my blue balls, please come to our Patreon to give us money. And shout out to our Discord.
Why would you prank us? Why? That's so mean! Why would you do that? I just.
I still can't come. I can't. I thought it didn't work. He can't come.
And he wanted to shout out on Discord. Hoss? No, not fucking Hoss. Anyone but Hoss.
That's it. We don't need anymore. Two's enough. Cut the feed! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_21_08_20 | How are you, Errol? Good, mate. Sick as a pike. Wendell, how are you? Very well, thank you. Always good to jump in the booth. How are you going, Clancy? Not too bad at all, not too bad at all.
Zero transmissions in Queensland, we're keeping it that way. New South Wales is lowering, so is Victoria, I mean, when you really look at it. Yeah. Yeah, they're doing alright too down there. It's like it's just New Zealand that's letting the fucking team down. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks a lot. Now we won't ever have a fucking bubble. Now we have to go skiing in Port Moresby. Thanks a lot.
What's in the news today, Wendell? Well, we'll start off with some national news, and Prime Minister Scott Morrison has informed the Illuminati that phase one of Bill Gates' master plan is complete. With the government announcing they'd secured 25 million doses of a new vaccine that is going to be free to the general public, Scott Morrison was also able to report back some good news to his bosses. Not the good people at the top of the fossil fuel sector, but the lizard people over there in America, who under their puppeteer, Bill Gates, have been coordinating this extremely complicated shamdemic. Obviously no other news organisations went near this story, but we here at The Advocate, who report without fear or favour, broke that story so the public can't ever say they weren't told. Just doing our civic duty, and Stephen McDonald left a comment on that story, saying the shots from the vaccine will liquefy your insides so the lizard people can drink us with a straw. Stephen leaves a comment on almost every story.
Certainly does. That sounds like a lyric from that new WAP song as well. In some less deep state government news now and Morrison has buried the hatchet with Daniel Andrews this week by gifting him some very expensive Russian tea. I think in his relations with state ministers, state premiers, he has been the bigger man sending the overworked Daniel Andrews some Russian tea that is absolutely nothing like the one the Russian opposition leader, Alexei Navalny, consumed this week. This is a much nicer one, much more expensive, but yes, it did come from Russia and it did come from Moscow and it probably came from the Kremlin. So good on you, ScoMo.
Hopefully he enjoys it and we broke another story of national significance this week, which was a report that found Tui's Extra Dry is the Adelaide of beers. Yes, a report found that the middling Australian dry lager that is Tui's Extra Dry isn't a world beater, but you know, it does the job. It's the stock rims of beer, the autotune of beer or the West Tigers of beer, if you will. Always finishing in ninth. I think this is pretty spot on here from this report. At least Tui's though doesn't, you know, cut you up into little pieces and cram you in a barrel. Yeah, Adelaide is not one of the world beaters, but it's not bad.
And we'll move along to some local news now and a man given a choice between watching The Masked Singer or microwaving his own brain chooses to microwave his brain. This was quite a sad story, this one. A local man by the name of Paul John Bradshaw felt he had no other choice after his roommate insisted on watching The Masked Singer. Yeah, I guess he kind of painted himself into a corner, popped into the kitchen, put the thing on defrost and went, wing. Quick burst on the brain and the old microwave oven. Something reality TV will do to you either way. It doesn't matter if you physically do it or you do it over a couple seasons sitting in your living room. We've been told the man is recovering well and should be out just in time for next week's edition. He now unfortunately thinks Peter Dutton is our next Prime Minister. A horrifying side effect there and wrapping up with some more local news and wife instantly drops the topic and cheers up after being informed that she's overreacting.
Well Clancy, as someone who's been married four times, it'd be fair to say that you've dropped this one a few times at some of your wives. Yes, yes I have, but I'm older and wiser than that now anyway. Not very good problem solving skills for this young bloke if you ask me, but apparently it worked for him. And once again, he used the last of the toilet paper, forgot to stock up the bathroom, caused a bit of an argument, but he then successfully deescalated it with the simple phrase, you're overreacting. Maybe don't try that one at home. Yeah, that's some good advice there Clancy Two Socks.
Righto, I think that's the end of this week's bulletin, let's wrap it up. Thanks for tuning in as always, and we'll be back in seven days time to bring you all of the biggest stories.
Hooroo! |
TheOnion | Hack_Pesky_Time_Loops_With_Insults_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | On to the question. So what you're gonna have to do is yell something that the time continuum would be really embarrassed to repeat. This way, it would sooner release you from its endless loop than hear your chiding remarks for infinity. Let me give you some examples.
Time? I can still see your acne scars. Hey time!
Remember when Charlie H made you eat 15 wood chips in front of the entire 7th grade and you pretended to laugh, but clearly that memory still follows you for the rest of time. Everybody knows about your infected tattoo on your lower stomach because I personally told you. You're just a human construct, and you're not even in the top 5 of human constructs. Ankle makes that clicking sound every time you walk, and everybody blogs about it. Half of your 90,000 Twitter followers are dummy accounts that you made, time, and after a couple of those, time will return to linearity for you rather than subject itself to all those hurtful things you just said. Bye bye! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_spring_break_s_hottest_tips_snl | Hi.
So, Stephon, what are you even up to? catching up on Boston Legal. So, Stephon, tourists are gonna be hitting up New York more and more as the weather gets warmer. Any tips on what they should check out?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm gonna check out some tips, and I got the place for you. New York's hottest cloud is. thank you. Located inside a crashing blimp, this Euro-trash utopia is the creation of beat-neck doctors Soul Patch Adams. And this place has everything. ziplines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited. no Pakistani woman that looks like a California raisin. And this weekend, they're having a tournament of everyone's favorite trivia game, Sean White or Bonnie Rayton. look closely, the answer may surprise you. So, Stephon, that's great, but what I'm looking for are places that a lot of regular people can enjoy. you know, March Madness is going on. maybe people want to come to New York and hit up some sports bars. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're looking for madness in March. uh-oh. .i know just the spot. New York's hottest club is. Kevin.
Open that gun plate. Open that gun point in a lady footlocker.
This Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back, Blo J. Simpson. And this place has everything. soda, purple stuff, sunny D. a Vip room for football, jellyfish. oh, I'm sorry. what's a football jellyfish? it's that thing when Nfl players have the helmet but with the skinny dreads hanging out. yeah. I knew that had a name. So, come on down, the bouncer's a Greek boy who looks like Marv Albert, and the password is.
Yes! Stephon, again, great, great job. But we're still not hearing any traditional New York spots. you know, St. Patrick's Day, for instance, is coming up, and a lot of people come to New York to celebrate. Do you know any famous New York Irish landmark where people, regular people, might have a festive, regular, festive, non-traumatic, St. Patrick's Day? Yes. If you're Irish or traditional, I know I have just a place for you. New York's hottest Irish pub is. we little baby! Oh, think of it.
1709 by Black Irish comedian Sinbad O'connor. this lunatic landmark earned the Health Department's first ever J rating. And this place has everything. sheep, freckles, potato people, a room full of heprechauns. Oh, I think you mean leprechauns. No, heprechauns are leprechauns with Hep C. Thanks. how did they get Hep C?
I'm not gonna ask.
So, come on down this weekend and hit the dance floor with a group of humbas. Humbas? Human Rumbas. What's a human rumba? it's that thing of when you put a midget on a skateboard. midget on a skateboard and it slides around on your floor eating garbage. Stefan, I don't think anyone's reassured by the presence of human rumbas.
I don't think they are. it's okay, but it's okay. I just have to say, this place doesn't feel very Irish to me. well, you know, they're giving out these. Oh, kiss me, I'm Irish. you and Fisk. I thought you'd been carried around that button. Oh, yeah. step on, everybody! |
SaturdayNightLive | amy_poehler_monologue_anxiety_dream_saturday_night_live | Ladies and Gentlemen, Amy Poehler! thank you so much. it is so good to be back. I have to say hosting Snl is completely surreal for me. you know, when I was in the cast, every now and then we'd get a real Diva host. And I promised myself that if I ever hosted, I would be that Diva. And I am the Best in the world! You do not know a lot about me. much like Betty White, I am 88 and a half years old. I've been very busy since I left Snl. I'm proud to be a part of another wonderful show, Parks and Recreation. it is a one-hour cop drama on which I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop who's always butting heads with her ex-husband, drug kingpin Jeff Recreation. Check it out. Well, since I left the show, a lot has happened.
I've had two beautiful boys. I've also had two wonderful sons, and I would love it if you did not tell them about the beautiful boys I had. But between us, the boys in question, were Nick Jonas and Taylor Lautner, And to them, I say, you're welcome.
This is such an exciting night. we have four new cast members on the show, and I'm so honored to share their first episode. can we cut to the new guys? and can we cut back? Okay. can't let them get too cocky. But seriously, guys, welcome. it's great to have four people here tonight who are as nervous as I am.
You know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing, but I would always have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. and I had hoped those days were behind me, But last night, right on schedule, I had one of those dreams. Fred, I'm late for work. Fred, I'm a security guard, and everyone is mad at you.
Oh, My. God. Oh, no. Nassim, why are you in my Caitlin costume? Guess what? I'm Caitlin now. What? No! I just want to make sure the complicated dance routine member goes like this.: kick, bolt, change, kick, bolt, change. peanut butter, jelly. peanut butter, jelly. Lay in your position. knife, catch. knife, catch.
Okay? no, no. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about.
Justin! want to rehearse our kissing scene, Or. yes, I would love to. you're a terrible kisser! And I'm going to tell everyone, hey, we're all from Justin Timberlake, you ain't even part of the whole. Rachel! Oh, hey! Polar Bear! it's me! it's Me!
Okay, I have to do update stuff. No, actually, I don't think we're doing update tonight. Why? because they're back. they're back! No update for you. no update for you, Squirt.
Yeah, maybe if you're lucky, we'll let you do a walk-on. Yeah, yeah. yeah, and Lorne said you better not pee your pants. No, he said you should pee your pants.
Well, Amy, all you need to do is relax because you're in a dream. how do you know? Well, I have this top. it was a gift from my friend Leo. Dicaprio. Wow, crazy dream, right? A dream come true. we've got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. stick around, we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jim_jordan_dropped_as_speaker_nominee_trump_gag_order_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
In what many people are calling a high point of his term, President Biden gave multiple speeches this week in which he issued the same strong warning to anyone thinking about attacking Israel. And here was his message.: don't. Don't. Biden only needs one word to get his point across. he's basically the groot of presidents. But to give you an idea of how effective Don't is, it's the same thing Biden says to his dog right before it bites another Secret Service agent. Also, while he was in Israel, Biden said the Hamas attack was like, quote, 15 9-11s. Okay, you can't go somewhere to calm people down and then start rating things in numbers of 9-11s. that is not a calm scale. it would be like if your doctor gave you ambien and said, this will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby's. Jim Jordan, seen here describing how he attacks the nipple, comedy for house speaker after Republicans dropped him Friday, which, by the way, he's used to, because he was dropped a lot as a child. potential new candidates for a speaker include Tom Emmer, Kevin Hearn, Jack Bergman, and six more candidates who are clearly George Santos. After a judge issued a gag order against President Trump, Trump told reporters that the judge said, basically, I don't have the right to speak.
Then he added, she's like literally killing me. Then he yelled, you're not even my real mom. and slammed his bedroom door. It happened. and yesterday, on Truth Social, Trump posted a courtroom sketch of him sitting next to Jesus. Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended, well, it's Jesus. Ron Desantis reportedly spent $1.5 million on private jets in just over three months, because when he flies commercial, they make him take off his heels in front of everybody. Justice Amy Coney Barrett said that she wouldn't mind seeing a code of conduct instituted for the Supreme Court, while Clarence Thomas said that he wouldn't mind seeing what she worked with under That Road One. Netflix is planning to open its own network of brick and mortar stores, which is like a serial killer walking around in the skin of his victim. According to a leaked excerpt from her upcoming memoir, Britney Spears said she got pregnant while she was dating Justin Timberlake, because back then, even their condoms were denim. |
TheOnion | Report_American_People_Lead_World_In_Compressing_Big_Sandwiches_So_They_re_Bitable | According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, Americans currently lead the world in compressing big sandwiches into sufficiently biteable sizes, outranking countries such as Germany, Slovenia, and Ukraine in their sheer capacity to squeeze BLTs, meatball subs, and grinders into shapes that will easily and efficiently fit into their open mouths.
We now know that Americans are far and away global leaders in their ability to pick up a triple-decker club or steak hoagie and squish it together so it maintains its structural integrity while they eat it.
Researchers pointed out that in series after series of tests, Americans consistently topped international rankings by implementing over 800 pounds per square inch of compressive force on sandwich categories as diverse as banh mi, croque monsieurs or gyros, rarely hesitating for more than a moment before diving in and pushing the bread together and wedging it into their mouths.
In the cases in which Americans failed to sufficiently compress a sandwich and say dropped a straight piece of bacon or avocado, which let me emphasize was extremely rare, they still led the pack on quickly scooping up this topping with their hands and eating it, sometimes even inventively doing so with a straight potato chip or french fry.
Really any way you look at it, the ingenuity with which Americans approach their sandwich eating is an incredible sight to behold.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | creepiest_double_date_ever | I thought it was chills just right now. Sorry, I'm late! Old man McElroy's real ball breaker. I had to go over there in person. This was tonight. I am so sorry, folks. I completely forgot.
Your wife has been showing us a lovely time. Ah, we were just so excited to meet the new neighbors. You guys are pretty hard to pin down.
Don't I know it. Ah, speak of the devil. McElroy again. Here, we have guests. And I apologize, but I really do have a- Please, please, we don't stand on courtesy. Thank you. I trust you've made a decision?
He is always doing this. Oh, you know what? He always brings his work. Mr. McElroy, this is not negotiation. What is it that your husband does?
Five million in unmarked buildings.
Why don't you ask him? Reggie- Well, if you ever want to see her alive again, then you won't do as I asked.
Moms. You know, sometimes you just gotta cut the cord, right? Mr. Potter was asking what it is that you do for a living. Right.
I work with tape, ropes, ether, that sort of- Large sacks are a big seller, especially this time of year. I guess you could say that I am a seller and purveyor of ropes and sacks.
And that was your mother. Yes. She's giving you five million dollars? Yeah. Right, yes, honey. Um, looks like mom's gonna come through with that loan after all, so, uh, we can get that weather stripping we wanted.
Why don't you tell them about the voice box? I think that they would find that quite boring, don't you? No, I love gadgets. It's a little hobby of mine.
Are you doing all right, honey? Oh, I'm fine.
I just wish that you wouldn't bring this to the table as I've asked many times. It was in my pocket. I forgot. What is this? Happy? Would you excuse me? I forgot the rolls.
Brenda. Your mother sounds, uh, man-ish. She smokes. And you call her Mr. McElroy?
Sometimes. Excuse me. I trust you've come to your senses. We need to leave. You haven't gotten my roll yet. Yes, obviously. Every second that you win this little circle gets closer and closer to our pool, and I would be darned if I keep pulling your leaves out of my filter every day. What are you talking about? Miss Gunderson, from across the way, I cannot believe that. Don't lie to me. You know, maybe we should go. It's been kind of a long time. What do you want from me? Huh?
I mean, you want me to stop selling ropes and sacks? Is that it? Because those ropes and sacks pay for this house. Maybe if you weren't so busy selling ropes and sacks, you would realize that I want a baby. Okay, this again.
You want a baby? I'll get you a baby.
That is not what I mean. What do you mean? Do not answer that.
Hello? God, hello?
Yes, I have the money. I'll do what you want. I can bring it tomorrow.
Hello? It's just such a big opportunity. I'm sorry. You know how I guess. Sweetie, that's you. How did I get so lucky? Sweetie, have you hurt you? Daddy, I love you. You know what, folks?
This has been great, but I think we need some time alone. Feel free to stay as late as you want. Oh, if anyone calls for me, just tell them that it's too late and they'll never find the body.
They should know what you mean. What do you suppose that was about? Listen, buddy. Got some bad news. No. Huh. I don't even know who you are. |
dropout | world_s_smallest_catapult | What's up everybody? Boost Mobile challenged us to create the world's smallest of something. To essentially shrink something down so small, there couldn't be anything smaller. So the editors all got together and decided the only logical choice would be to create the world's smallest catapult! Let's go!
Look at this man, you got all the tools. Every single one of them. Yeah. There's not a tool that I don't know.
Can I see what we have? Can I see the catapult? You can see the catapult.
You ready? It's tiny! It's the most adorable killing machine ever! Thank you! How many man hours did it take to make this thing? Honestly? Three. You're fast buddy.
So what kind of impact do you think, setting this record today, will have on the world at large? Today will probably revolutionize warfare.
Let's go to the judges. Let's do this thing. Ready to launch? Let's do it.
You didn't dress up. We're all dressed and you're not dressed.
I'm sorry. What does it take to get the record? Well, every URDB record has to be quantifiable and breakable. How far does this bad boy have to fly? Uh, six feet. Binit, are you ready? Ready? Okay. Wait, stand by. Gotta get a pic of this. Me and Caddy. Loose. Broke six feet.
That's record. That's a record.
All right, Binit, here's your official URDB world record holder certificate and official URDB world record holder patch. Thank you. Congratulations. You should want to see. Please get out of here. We're going to set this thing on fire now. Thank you for the challenge, Boost Voble. Binit is now the record holder for smallest catapult and the world is probably a better place for it. |
dropout | Meet_the_Suitors_of_Grant_s_Version_of_The_Bachelor | Get ready for a Game Changer, tonight's guests. Putting the Pan and Peter Pan complex, it's Grant O'Brien. I'm gonna be a little boy forever. Grant, sorry, could you actually keep standing right there for me? What is this? This is Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show. I am your host, Sam Reich. I am joined today by this single, lonely contestant.
I can't believe it. Now, Grant, you know how the game works. No, I don't. I don't know how the game works. That's right, our contestant has no idea what game he is about to play.
The only way to learn is by playing. The only way to win is by learning, and the only way to begin is by beginning. So without further ado, let's begin.
Can I peel back the curtain for a moment? I came here. Ally, friggin' Jess, they're both in the green room. Like, we're all gonna do a show together. This is unbelievable. If you could do me a quick favor and just sort of hit like this mark right about here where I'm standing now. I'm gonna get slimed or something.
I would like to introduce you to some friends of mine. First, Abel. Hi. I also speak English. Well, me too, hi. Lovely to meet you, Abel. My type, tall, nerdy, white guys. So yes, I did hit the jackpot. Next, Grant, I would like for you to meet Madison. Hi, Madison. Lovely to meet you. Nice to meet you.
I got a spray tan for this. It looks great. Thank you.
I like all women and a very specific kind of man. A very skinny, sickly looking man.
Next, I would like for you to meet Zach. Grant. Hi. How are you? Fantastic, thank you. Are you scared? Yes. Okay, yeah, good.
Let's see, I actually already have a boyfriend, but I have two holes for a reason. Plenty of room for more dicks. Everyone grab a crevice.
I'm beginning to understand what this game is. Hopefully later I'll be sliming you. I have that hope myself.
Lovely to meet you, Zach. Wow, way to make a first impression. Next up, Peyton. Hi. Peyton, lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you too.
Absolutely. I can't top that, but I did fall down the stairs to get here this morning, so you could say I'm head over heels. Are you all right? Yes. I won't, great. I'm great now. I'm very happy to hear that. I really appreciated how he asked if I was okay. So yeah, just a bit of a spark.
Next, I would like for you to meet Rachel. Oh, hi. Hello. Hi, I'm Rachel. Rachel, thank you so much.
You're so tall. I'm your Danny DeVito. Who was the other villain in that? Was it Catwoman? I'm your Catwoman.
Oh, okay. I think my type, I like a flouncy man. Next up, I would like for you to meet Reese. Oh my God.
Hi, how are you? I'm terrific, Reese. How are you?
I'm good, you're so tall. And you have such big shoulders.
I do, I do. Let's play a game. Absolutely. Two truths and a lie. Okay.
I'm a top, I'm a bottom, I'm verse. You're not a top.
I had three completely separate things planned out to say. It wasn't until right before I walked out that I was like, huh, I'm actually gonna make this a little bit more scandalous and see how he responds. And he responded great. He like completely volleyed back to me.
Next up, I would like for you to meet Ryan. And here they are, what an entrance. Hello, Ryan.
I think I showed my best asset first. All right, three words to describe yourself. Nervous, unsure of what's happening. Next up, I would like for you to meet Adwin. Hello, Grant. Adwin. How are you? I'm fantastic.
I'm giving everybody two hands when they come out. So I'll give you two hands.
And we're across. That's right. Everyone kept saying how tall he was and when I saw it with my own eyes, I was like, that is correct. He's very tall.
What's your sign? I'm a Taurus.
Me too. Well, it's great to meet you. Lovely to meet you. You have very cool glasses. Thank you, so do you. Well, thank you. Next up, Grant, I would like for you to meet Delaney. The seats are full. I can stand. It's okay. It's nice to meet you. Lovely to meet you.
So I am from Tennessee. So I legally have to be the only 10 you see. I usually like tall guys. He's my general type, like former theater kid energy.
And finally, Grant, I would like for you to meet Phoenix. Hi. Hello, Phoenix. How are you?
I'm fantastic. I'm excited. My hands are very clammy right now. Hey, same. We already have so much in common. I'm sort of an awkward person, but I was like, oh, he seems real receptive to that. So that's good.
I'm a former nanny. I write poetry and sometimes I make anal porn. What kind of a nanny?
I don't know. Different ages.
Sure, great. I respect that very much. I'm very nurturing. I need some nurturing, so that sounds great. Thank you so much for coming. Happy to see you. Grant, it's your very own bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. |
CrackerMilk | how_men_talk_about_big_poos | He told me he was going to get me this dream truck. Boys, boys, boys!
I just came from a public toilet and you're not going to believe what I saw. I saw a poo this big! No way! For the size of my forearm! It was massive! You know, I actually once did a poo that was so big it wouldn't even fit out.
No you didn't! Girls don't poo! Sorry guys.
I seriously do not think it's possible to do a poo bigger than what I saw. You call that a poo. I'll tell you a story about a poo that'll make your insides girdle black-minded that fateful night when I ventured into a Bengal curry house where I partook of a lamb roganjosh and a beef vindaloo. The curry coursed through my body down into my bowels and I found myself having to run to the lavatory where I expunged the most dreadful beastly poo you've ever seen in your life. It took me life and hands! Legend has it that that poo is still scurrying around these parts. Oh man, that story's dumb! how many poo's white was it was about four poo's whites yay |
dropout | nutrition_j_a_archives | I'm still here. Let's give a mirror the quiz. No, it's just going to be depressing. What kind of quiz is it? It's a nutrition quiz. You like put in what you eat and it tells you how long you have to live. Oh wow. Me and Jake took a quiz once and it told us which sex in the city's character we were. So don't think you're special or unique. Okay, here you go. Question one.
How often do you eat vegetables? 10 times a day. Really? Good job. You don't eat vegetables 10 times a day. Oh, I thought you said how much do you eat every day and that vegetables was your nickname for me. No, he's being serious. How much fruit do you eat?
Well, it's barbecue sauce or fruit because it's red. No. She's being polite. She meant to say of course it's not. Obviously, you fucking retard. What about fries? That's a potato or apples or ketchup. Well apples, apples are fruit. Okay, still zero then. Okay, I'll skip this question about vitamins because I assume you don't know what those are.
Thank you, soulmate. Alright, how many times you eat fast food in a week? Sparingly. Oh, that's great. Now watch this. Amir, what does sparingly mean? All day, every day, every hour.
Gotta chicken nugget in my pocket.
Jesus, where did that even come from? He just has this fact. Anyway, what does it say?
How long do I got? 60 years? 200 years? Stop. 300 years? According to this, you should have been dead 10 years ago. Living on borrowed time.
Pray chill. Pray poetic.
Yeah, no, you should watch when you eat, Amir. I do watch. I watch it go in my mouth.
See, you don't even do that. Wava. Will you at least pick that up? Five-minute rule. |
dropout | danielle_radford_on_eddie_guerrero | Hello, and welcome to Rav's Hall of Fame, the show where each episode we have a guest who tries to convince me that their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Danielle Radford as our guest.
Hello. Hi. I'm so happy to be here. I really, I can't wait to defend the honor of the person I will be presenting. Okay.
Now, today we're going to be talking about a sport that we have not tackled yet, which is wrestling. Which, and the thing about wrestling is that no matter, every type of person is a wrestling fan. Yes. If that makes sense. Like not every individual is a wrestling fan, obviously, but it spans all types of people. People that you wouldn't even expect. It's so fascinating on so many different levels. Wrestling is the best thing in the entire world. Like, I mean, there's no other way to put it. Like wrestling is, wrestling is like these stories that are told over this long period of time and it combines everything great about storytelling.
It's rivalries, betrayals, two people locked in like blood fuels. So much drama. Sometimes someone gets a fluorescent light put on the head and that's weird.
It's Game of Thrones. It's Game of Thrones, but in a ring in front of a bunch of people. It's essentially theater in the round, right? Because you've got the ring and then you have all of the people around it and everyone's jeering.
I'm not saying it's like Shakespeare. I'm just saying that like, I feel like we take Shakespeare really seriously because they spoke a different kind of English.
Yes. I agree. But if Shakespeare was alive now, I will go on record as saying he would have written for wrestling, much like a Freddie Prince Jr. has. Okay. All right.
Well, we'll never know. Don't at me. Real quick, if you're, real quick, if you're watching this on the CH2 channel, what are you doing? This has been on dropout for some time.
You could have been listening to me slander William Shakespeare for months. Allegedly slander. We allegedly slander.
Just so legal doesn't get on our back. That's fantastic. Do you have anything to plug before we get too deep into it?
You're very funny on Twitter. I'm pretty sure we showed your Twitter handle already, but very funny on Twitter. I think that's just your name, right?
Yeah. It's just Danielle Radford. Okay. Perfect. Yeah.
Follow me on Twitter. I do have a wrestling podcast called Tights and Fights. It's on the Max Fund Network. It comes out usually on Thursdays. It's me, actor, voiceover guy Hal Lublin, open mic eagle. The rapper is sometimes on there when he's not, you know, being famous or whatever.
Fine. I get it. You know, um, British rom-com, uh, writer, book writer, uh, Lindsay Kelk and it's us. And we talk about this fun, wonderful, terrible, awful, silly, amazing sport that we love. Fantastic. Quick question. Does Lindsay Kelk know anything about erotic fiction? I mean, everyone does. She's a person. Yeah. On the earth. We got a show for them. Okay. That'll be another. That's cross promotion. Is there a hall of fame for erotic fiction? Because I can promise you a kelk, if that's the case. We'll talk. Okay. But today you're here to talk about a specific wrestler. Yes. And with, uh, who is Eddie Guerrero. Yes.
I'll admit I have not, I know nothing of Eddie Guerrero. And that is my problem. Um, I, cause I was talking to people about doing the show and they were like wrestling fans. So for wrestling fans, he is such a legend in the sport that they thought that he was maybe too big to be on a show like this where I have to convince someone. And I said, no, the average human. I'm very average. Does not know who Eddie Guerrero is.
People know stone cold. Yes. I love stone cold. As soon as, if I hear breaking glass to this day, I know that's the rattlesnake, right? There are things that, you know, obviously everyone knows Dwayne, the rock Johnson who apparently is going by DJ now.
Okay. Whatever. Um, that could get confusing. Yeah. That's what he's doing on his new show. I don't get it, but it's fine. You do. You teach.
And you know, people know whole clogan people. There are, are Randy Savage, the ultimate warrior. There are certain touchstones that people understand. Even some of the women who are on totes, divas and totes, bells, total divas and total bellas.
Okay. But the average person does not know who an Eddie Guerrero is. And that was my, my argument was that, um, I, if someone brings up stone cold to me, when they find out I like wrestling, I'm like, oh yeah, you're a human who knows what things are. He's even referenced on the good place. If someone brings up Eddie Guerrero, we got a stew going, right? I know I can have a conversation about wrestling.
Okay. All right.
So what, what is it? What is his thing?
Like he's, he's, he was an older gentleman. No. Well, they're all, I mean, everyone ages. That's true. I am. You're right. We are, we are none of a, we're not all on this mortal coil forever. It turns out I have notes cause Eddie is too important for me to wing it. Yeah. Let's get to it.
And so Eddie Guerrero. So he comes from a legendary wrestling family. The Guerrero's are to wrestling as some families are to crime, as some families are to politics, as some families all to Walmart's like that. Those are all criminals.
Allegedly.
But so that is what the Guerrero's do. They become wrestlers. So he grew up in El Paso, Texas, was a wrestler, was a collegiate wrestler. And then he went to Mexico and began wrestling. And when he originally wrestled in Mexico, he was a masked wrestler and there was a long tradition about masked wrestlers. I could talk about that like for 10 hours. But a wrestler in Mexico, your mask is like your face, right? And so it's a very huge deal to be unmasked, to not wear the mask, which, which he wound up having to do when he switched companies, even though his character was extremely popular.
And so he wound up going over to AAA, which is a company in. That helps you with cars. Is a company that helps you with cars, unless you are in Mexico, in which case they can only help you with drop kicks. I like this. No cars, just drop kicks.
But so he wrestled there for a while as a Lucha Libre. And then he did a stint in New Japan, which New Japan is a, they've been around forever. They have been gaining popularity in the States more recently because they've been more people that have come over. What's fascinating about New Japan is they are also very, or they have become, and they were becoming, especially at that time, very influenced by Lucha Libras and by the Mexican style of wrestling. And in fact, a lot of what you're seeing now that has become popular on the indie circuit is this mixture of Mexican wrestling by way of Japan, if that makes sense. That is very influential on what's happening on wrestling right now. And so one of the people who was a part of that, who helped make that possible was Eddie Guerrero in Eddie Guerrero style. He was an amazing technical wrestler, as well as being amazing on the mic.
Because when you think of people, and Lord knows, we all love DJ. We all love Dwayne The Rock Johnson. We can be okay with saying that the elbow drop is real stupid.
But the reason we buy it is because it's The Rock. It's The Rock, it's that personality. It's what he puts into it. It's his mic skills.
Yeah, it's the people's elbow. It's the people's elbow. My elbow. It's the communist elbow. It's a socialism elbow. The socialist elbow.
But so for, with an Eddie Guerrero, he is someone who had both. It's like, you look at the Ultimate Warrior. We all know what he did. He ran down to the ring and he shook the ropes. And that was all the energy he had. So he put none of it into the match. Whereas with an Eddie Guerrero, he could both nail the technical aspects of wrestling, making it look good, being careful not to hurt your partner, being able to do stunts, but knowing when to not do things and being able to communicate in the ring.
So I know that for a lot of people, and this is something if you're not very introduced and you don't know a lot about wrestling, you might not know. A lot of people are like, well, it's choreographed, it's whatever. It's choreographed in the same way that if you take two professional dancers and you just have them dancing casually in the club, they can work off of each other and do things. But usually it's not choreographed to begin with. What wrestlers are doing, almost any time you see someone in a hold, sometimes they're resting, so it's things like rest holds. A lot of times they're communicating to each other and they're saying, okay, Irish rip off the rope, I'm bulldog. They're telling each other what move is gonna come next, and then they do it. That is also something that the referees are used for, and the referees also have ear pieces, and so they can communicate.
I don't know. No way.
So they are in communication with the people in the back. Oh, what? Yeah, so there's a bunch of those production trucks, but there's also kind of a small production team in what is called the gorilla position, because Gorilla Monsoon, who was a wrestler who then became a booker, and the booker is the person who, you call him, you give him the book, they have the pen, they're the person who decides who wins and who loses matches and who puts the matches together. That's where he would always be, and so that's where this table of people, that's where your Vince McMahon's are, that's where whoever your Triple H's are now, whoever's running the show, and so they're communicating in that ear piece to the wrestlers that are in the ring. Right. They're like producers. Yeah, they're producers, essentially, but with different names, because everything in wrestling has to have weird carnie talk, and it can't just be names that we know. And so that's also, the ref is also communicating to them when they are in those holds or going down, and once you know how to, once you see it, you can't unsee it, it does kind of break the magic for it. But so, that is what's so amazing about a wrestler like an Eddie Guerrero, is that he can be so technically proficient and able to do it, while essentially, you learn how to do these things, but you're telling each other stuff on the fly.
He was really big for, so his gimmick. He is a heel. And so a face is like a baby face, and that is what they call good guys. Right, like your DJs. Sometimes and sometimes when he first started, he was a heel. Oh. No, he went, well first he was a mega baby face, and he had that weird pineapple hair and everyone hated him, and then he joined the Nation of Domination, which was essentially like the Nation of Islam.
I do not remember that. I would remember that. I do not remember that. Yeah, it was very like Black Power, we were the Nation of Domination, and he was in charge of that for a while. I don't remember him being a part of that.
You'll have to look it up, because that was what propelled his heel persona, so then he became the People's, the Corporate, that's when he became that version of the Rock. And so a heel is your bad guy. They are the person that you were supposed to jeer. The thing with Annette Guerrero is he's so charming as a heel that he's able to take those same traits that would normally make someone a bad guy. A cheater, a liar, a stealer. And he turned that into his gimmick, and people loved him no matter what. He literally had a theme song that said, I lie, I cheat, I steal.
Whoa. Yeah. Because that would be, some of his best things were, and I loved this, when he was fighting with someone, when the ref had maybe their back turned or they were distracted, he would throw, because you know a lot of times in that situation, what the heel would do is they would take an object, a chair, something else, and they would beat the other player with it, throw it away before the referee can see it, and then go for the cover. Eddie Guerrero would take the object, throw it at the other player who would catch it instinctively, and then lay down and play dead and act as though the player had just hit him. Right. Oh my God, this is deceptive. Yeah. So he's got one mark in the deceptive column. That's a pro column in this Hall of Fame.
Yeah, and that was one of his major talents, was finding new ways to be a heel, because the thing about being a heel in wrestling is that it can be really, really hard, but if you're good at it, people will love you no matter what. Yeah. Because you can be a babyface and be what they call a white babyface, like a John Cena, or something where you're very, or a Hulk Hogan before the stuff, where the thing, the n-word, that's not an allegedly, that's on tape. That for sure happened. So you can be that kind of babyface that's very much like, well, kids, you can be like John Cena and be like, never give up, buy my towel, or you can be a Hulk Hogan, say your prayers and take your vitamins and drink water, and don't let your daughter marry an n-word. And sometimes those can be really loved, and sometimes it gets a little bit grating for the audience, unless you're a child, which is usually what their demographic is, but they do make more money, because being a babyface almost always makes you more money. But Eddie is one of those heels where, or one of those performers where it doesn't matter if he is a good guy or a bad guy, you love him. He transcends the tropes of, because WWE sets it up, and wrestling in general sets it up where you're supposed to cheer for the babyface and boo for the heel. Yes.
But- Very black and white. Yeah, very black and white.
Do this thing, do this thing. He was one where it didn't matter. They were going to cheer him, or they were- He's an anti-hero. He's an anti-hero. And those same qualities he would sometimes, he would use for that benefit.
And so after he was done with New Japan, he went to WCW, where that's really where the legend of Eddie Guerrero started to grow. And he did ultimately wind up winning some championships there, but it was pretty, almost everyone would agree that he was not given his props. And he did ECW first, and then WCW, not given his props.
So this is like the 80s, early 90s? This is right around the attitude-ish era, is where this is happening. Just to kind of put that into perspective. And so at that moment in WCW, what you have is, you have the new world order. You have all of these different kinds of world orders, and basically everything becomes a new world order versus a whatever.
And essentially what it is, is that WCW, when they were trying to make their comeback, they brought back these old guys, like, excuse me, they brought back these old guys like, your Randy Savages, your Hulk Hogan's, and these men essentially held down everyone else, even though they were well into the twilight of their careers, and they made it harder for younger, scrappier people who arguably were more talented. Even if you loved Hulk Hogan, you can't deny that his work rate, which is what you call it, literally the amount of moves and the amount of physical exertion someone can pull off in the ring, his work rate sucked. It was not good. He's not a good wrestler, he was a charming human, and that is why people like him.
A dad that can only dab, if we're comparing it to dancing. Yeah, he can only dab.
He can't drop it low. If he drops it low, he's like, my mom, I love her. One Thanksgiving, she tried to drop it low, almost ended up in the fireplace.
It was a disaster. Oh my God.
You have a fireplace? That's what that military pension will get you all, son. Oh yeah. Join the army. Don't worry about the PTSD. Your kids will have a fireplace.
Or just the actual fact that you're signing your life away. Can't they put you back in the military at any point, basically? They can try to take my dad now.
Good luck. Good luck, sirs.
I also just want to point out real quick, so we've never done wrestling before on this show, and we have sports themed stuff up here. We have a wrestling robe.
That's a good... You know what? That kind of looks like...
No, I'm not going to get it. There's so much wrestling I could think of exactly who's robe that looks like, but I might have to look it up. Because no one really cared about this dude. So if you remember the wrestler Sable. No. Sable's whole thing was like, I'm sexy, and I'm with a guy who, his gimmick is kind of a boxer.
And her husband wore a robe that looked very much like that. So that might have been an on purpose thing. Hell yeah. Oh no, it is on purpose. It's very strategically placed. Yeah. And also robes are a huge part of wrestling. Yes. Very decorative. You know, Ric Flair used to spend $10,000 on his robes, and that was in 1970s money. Jesus Christ.
That's why he ain't got none now. And allegedly. And so... But yeah, so it was pretty widely known that they weren't... The company was holding back these younger promising talents like him.
Right. Adine Malenko, Perry Saturn, Chris Benoit. Yeah. Otherwise, from now on, I guess known as Redacted. I don't know what else to Chris Benoit. I guess.
It was very sad. Very sad, very tragic.
Unfortunately, his story and Eddie's story, you can't really pry him apart, unfortunately. So they... A lot of things happen. Eventually they move to WWE, right as WCW is about to like nosedive. And so then Eddie goes to WWE. He starts doing this great work, but again, it feels like he's not being given his due for someone who is as incredibly charismatic, who can do every part of wrestling, who is innovating wrestling, doing moves that, you know, people on American television at that point are not seeing again.
Now, it's one of those cases where say you tell someone, you know, George Carlin's a genius. Yes. And they go back and they listen and they're like, I don't get it. And it's like, well, yeah, because what he did back then was innovative. But then everyone stole it and everyone learned from it. So if you look back now, it looks old fashioned, like you don't understand. That was a lot of what Eddie was doing. What Eddie was doing is what is popular now, but he was doing it 20 years ago. Right. Unbelievable.
So did he ever get a chance? Like, did he ever get a shot at like winning a title or anything? He did.
So he's won some titles depending on the company. Every company has myriad different titles. There's, you know, an ECW. He won the TV championship. I believe he did win the WCW. He did win the heavyweight championship once in WCW. But the weird thing about titles is that you would think that those belts would mean that you're in the main event all the time and you're automatically considered to be a main eventer.
That is not the case. Wow. You would think that.
But it isn't because at any point, if any of those old dudes, you know, that if their major storyline is the storyline, that's it. And then it almost seems like the belt is unimportant, which is a problem that a lot of people have. And that's still a problem that happens this day with wrestling.
It's like, well, aren't we supposed to be battling over these championships? Like, why is this about whose husband caught who in the shower? I don't understand. Shouldn't this be about the championship?
I might be equally interested in both of those things. It's kind of interesting. You know, any story can be told well. Yeah, it just depends on if it is. Freddie Prince Jr. Did some great writing.
I don't know. I don't remember if he did anything specifically like that, but he did.
Him and Patrice O'Neill.
Were writing for Wrestling at the same time. So Freddie Prince Jr. Well, I guess. She saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buffy's husband.
We have a young demographic. A pretty young demographic.
But yeah. Yeah. So like movies like that.
He also came from kind of like Hollywood royalty family, I guess, because his dad was a comedian. And then who was the other person that you named?
Patrice O'Neill. And Patrice O'Neill recently passed away.
Well, at least in my head it was recently. But it's probably like five to seven years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. From I think either diabetes or something. Or some kind of failure or something. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but was a stand up comedian. Don't agree with everything that he's saying. Definitely a pretty blunt brash guy.
Set some wild things.
But a highly respected stand up comedian. I think you came up with Kevin Hart and people like that. Yeah, it'd be like if you found out that someone like a Doug Stanhope was writing wrestling at one point.
Yeah. If Doug Stanhope was just something that you totally would not even. Yeah. Yeah, I would not have thought that. That's crazy.
So when you say that they wrote, did they write jokes? No, they would write storylines.
And so there was a point where it used to be that the bookers would book the matches. This person fights this person. This person wins so that we can get this match. And then there was a guy that was brought in named Vince Russo who became the first wrestling writer. And unlike with bookers who usually had some kind of wrestling experience, he was never a wrestler. He just loved wrestling.
And so his job became to craft storylines. He would write dialogue for people if they needed. He would write backstage segments. All of these other things aside from just two people like, I'll tell you something.
Me and Gene, I'm going to hit that dude in the face. And the other dude was like, I'm going to hit him in the face harder.
Now it suddenly became these long winded monologues and things happening in the back. So right around, so what time period was this? Was this like the 90s with Patrice O'Neeson and Freddie Prince Jr.? I would have to look that up, but I believe that was in the early to mid 2000s.
Oh my gosh, that is so... And I believe both of those men wrote Freddie Guerrero. That's so nuts. Okay. That's very interesting. This guy had connections with Freddie Prince Jr. and Patrice O'Neeson. Those are two things that are very important criteria for the whole thing.
So now, Eddie Guerrero, I might be jumping ahead, but he is no longer with us. He passed away a little while ago. A long while ago. So I believe it's been, it hasn't been, it's probably around 11 or 12 years that he passed away, something like that.
So he did battle substance abuse, as does happen with wrestlers. A big reason for that is just wrestling is really hard on your body. Imagine being a football player with no off season. Right. So wrestling is incredibly hard on your body, and taking the painkillers so you can do the job.
They're also all independent contractors. So you do the job and get paid that night, or you just don't get paid. They do not have healthcare. It's a whole thing. They pay for their own travel. Obviously, they can write it off. But essentially, they're all freelancers.
Yeah, that's rough. Really rough.
But he had, by the time he passed away from heart failure, he had conquered those demons. He had become a born again Christian. He was repairing all of the relationships in his family. He'd always been a good guy who made mistakes, and he became a really good guy making no mistakes by the time he'd passed away.
That's always how it works. It's tragic.
So there is a wrestler, one of my favorite wrestlers, named Sasha Banks, who's one of the four horsewomen, as they're called. It's her, Bailey, Charlotte Flair, and Becky Lynch. And they all came up together through the NXT training system that they have now, which teaches them both how to wrestle the WWE style, as well as how to be able to talk on the microphone, craft characters, yada, yada.
She was a huge fan of Eddie Guerrero going up, like as a little, little girl. She's going to go see. And I believe this was one of the first wrestling shows she was actually going to get to go see. She's also Snoop Dogg's cousin, just weirdly. So this is one of the first wrestling shows I believe she was able to go see. And she had spent so much time making this Eddie Guerrero sign. And so she gets there with her little sign, and some adult, because adults are the worst, is like, oh, that's terrible.
Whatever, you didn't. And Eddie had just passed away. I believed the night before, and she hadn't heard about it and just cried her the lies out.
But now, he inspired her so much that when she began crafting her heel character, she does these tributes to him in the ring. She'll wear gear that's inspired by gear that he's worn with the kick pads or any of that. And she's well regarded as one of the best wrestlers in the world. She, her and Bailey, I believe it was 2015 or 2016, had what is known to be, that was the match of the year when they did NXT TakeOver in Brooklyn. And so, she'll do that where the ref is distracted or has his back turned, she'll throw the belt, or she'll throw something at someone else, play dead, and do these little Eddie tributes. Because it's something that's really important to her. And almost any modern wrestler will tell you that Eddie Guerrero and his work was a huge influence on their career and the kind of wrestling that they do.
Wow, my goodness. That's just fantastic. So heartwarming.
And so, you can also add in connection to Snoop Dogg's cousin if you want to throw that in. Yeah, the cousin specifically. You have to have a connection with one of Snoop Dogg's cousins. Yeah, Snoop Dogg's cousin.
Oh, man. That's so great. That's amazing.
Yeah, and he did wind up ultimately in WrestleMania 20 during a tear-joking moment versus Kurt Angle. He did win the WWE Championship. And that was during a time when sometimes they do these brand splits because they have these two TV shows that play during weeknights. And sometimes the same storyline will be going for both. Sometimes one will have their own storylines and championships, and the other will have their own storylines and championships. So at this point, Raw and SmackDown were separate. Okay. And this is where, unfortunately, when I say you can't really untie him from Chris Benoit, redacted. So he wins, and this is a huge moment because he is this wrestler. He is the wrestler's wrestler.
Everyone loves him. Again, people are still being inspired by what he did to this day. Streamers come down from the ceiling, and he's holding this championship, and he's crying.
Chris Benoit, who was his best friend, and many theorize that part of the reason why Chris Benoit completely lost it and was not okay and did the horrible things he did, was because it happened after Eddie's death. He was just not able to deal with Eddie's death. I remember, yeah, I mean, I knew who Chris Benoit was before the terrible demise. I was familiar with Chris Benoit. I was not familiar with Eddie Guerrero, as I previously stated.
But yeah, I just remember thinking, what would make somebody do that if you don't know? The loss of his best friend of like 20 years or something like that is what was theorized. Yeah, no, and I'm sorry, I continue to tell them. Tell him that sad, terrible thing. Yeah, I mean, if you don't know Chris Benoit, he murdered his family, basically, his wife and his son, and then himself, and it became this huge thing.
They have later, because there's a guy named Chris Nowinski, who studies the effects of concussions on the brain. He went to Harvard and became a wrestler, and now he is one of the leading people pushing concussion research for athletes. He got permission, had the body exhumed, and they studied the brain, and he had the brain of an 80-year-old with dementia.
So I'm sure that also plays a huge part, but also at the same time, yeah, don't kill your wife and kid. Don't do that. But part of the breakdown is because of Eddie's death.
And so during that moment at WrestleMania 20, Chris Benoit, another great wrestler, just separating the act from the, in the ring, he was a fantastic wrestler. And at the time, considered to be another underdog, he had also won the championship for I don't remember if it was Raw or SmackDown, which one those were. He had also won the major championship for his TV show. So he runs in the ring, and they're both in the ring crying and celebrating with each other. And that's just one of those indelible moments of, which is forever tainted now, obviously, but it's one of those moments of a more, you won't get this, but people who watch wrestling or people who like Total Divas or Total Bells will get this. Daniel Bryan had a moment where he was such an underdog because he was so talented, both in the ring and outside of the, you know, and also on the mic, but he had the same problem that an Eddie Guerrero had, which was he doesn't look like what the powers that be considered to be, what a champion looks like.
They're not these like big, brolic dudes. They're smaller guys. And a lot of times in wrestling, especially in WWE, they like these big jacked dudes, not necessarily like the smaller, quicker, more technically apt guys. And it doesn't matter how good you are if you're like real, real big.
And so he also had a similar kind of Cinderella story where he was the underdog who wound up, you know, taking it in and making something huge out of it. And so that's, if Eddie Guerrero was, you know, and also at the time pushing minorities just in American wrestling period was not something that was happening a whole lot. Except for The Rock, which The Rock's got like that Vin Diesel thing going on where a lot of people don't even acknowledge that he's black in Samoa. That's what surprises me so much about the, it wasn't the nation of Islam, but the nation of domination. People have to be reminded of that because that was like the first and last time WWE really, like they'll admit like, oh yeah, his dad was Rocky Johnson and he's like the Samoan whatever, but like, you know, he's, he's rich his way into whiteness. It's just not, he's just Dwayne. He's not a race, he's The Rock.
Yeah, like Will Smith or something like that. Yeah, like Will Smith.
And so, you know, it is theorized that had Eddie Guerrero not been Latino when he, you know, when he was Latino, had he been a bigger dude that he may have gotten more. And he did, you know, he did win championships. He was in the Hall of Fame. He is widely regarded as one of the best in the business ever. I believe that like wwe.com did a poll, which named him the 11th best wrestler ever in wrestling history or something like that. You know, and he was amazing and he was an innovator of the sport, who I still had more time left in him, still had more years left in him. But had he been like a big brolic dude, maybe he would have been able to have that crossover success where the average person does know who he is like a Stone Cold or a John Cena or The Rock. I believe he could have.
Okay, well, I've heard about enough. I'm ready to make a ruling on this right now based on what I've heard. And I will say that Eddie Guerrero is in Rob's Hall of Fame.
Had to. Whoa. Did you hear that? Yes.
Sorry, this is the he does the shimmy when he wins. Oh, really? Yeah, I have to do that. I have to do the Eddie shimmy.
Oh, fantastic. This was great. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, my God. Thanks so much for being here. I mean, not eulogize, but celebrate the career of someone who everyone should get to know.
Yes, exactly. Do you have, we plugged your Twitter. Yes. And the podcast. Yes. Anything else you want to plug or anything like that? I'm sure.
You can also, you can find me on Screen Junkies talking about movies. I'm on there on Wednesdays. Not Wednesdays. I'm on there on Thursday, so you could find me on Screen Junkies. You can also find me.
I have a Patreon where I love bad movies and wrestling. If you like one or both of those things, we will have these live Discord chats where we'll all watch a movie together or something that's readily available on your Netflixs or your Hulu's, and we'll kind of talk about it. So just a lot of making a lot of fun. Like for Christmas, we did Christmas Prince 2, not Christmas Prince 1, which I have not seen and will not see. But so we had a really good time kind of chatting through that.
Yeah. Yeah, so come find us over there. My prices are cheap because I know what I'm worth. Fantastic. Do it. Thank you so much for being with us, and we'll see you next time.
People who watch wrestling are people who like Total Divas or Total Bells, we'll get this. Daniel Bryan had a moment where he was such an underdog because he was so talented, both in the ring and outside of the, you know, and also on the mic, but he had the same problem that an Eddie Guerrero had, which was he doesn't look like what the powers that be considered to be what a champion looks like. They're not these like big, brolic dudes. They're smaller guys. Right. And a lot of times in wrestling, especially in WWE, they like these big jacked dudes, not necessarily like the smaller, quicker, more technically apt guys. And it doesn't matter how good you are if you're like real, real big.
And so he also had a similar kind of Cinderella story where he was the underdog who wound up, you know, taking it in and making something huge out of it. And so that's if Eddie Guerrero was, you know, and also at the time pushing minorities just in American wrestling period was not something that was happening a whole lot, except for The Rock, which The Rock's got like that Vin Diesel thing going on where a lot of people don't even acknowledge that he is black in Samoa. That's what surprised me so much about the, it wasn't the nation of Islam, but the nation of domination. People have to be reminded of that because that was like the first and last time WWE really, like they'll admit like, oh yeah, his dad was Rocky Johnson. And he's like the Samoan whatever, but like, you know, he's reached his way into whiteness. Where it's just not, he's just Dwayne. He's not a race, he's The Rock.
Yeah, like Will Smith or something like that. Yeah, like Will Smith.
And so, you know, it is theorized that had Eddie Guerrero not been Latino when he was Latino, had he been a bigger dude that he may have gotten more. And he did win championships. He was in the Hall of Fame. He is widely regarded as one of the best in the business ever. I believe that like wwe.com did a poll which named him the 11th best wrestler ever in wrestling history or something like that. You know, and he was amazing and he was an innovator of the sport. Yeah. Who, I still had more time left in him, still had more years left in him. But had he been like a big brolic dude, maybe he would have been able to have that crossover success where the average person does know who he is, like a Stone Cold or a John Cena or The Rock. I believe he could have.
Okay. Well, I've heard about enough. I'm ready to make a ruling on this right now based on what I've heard. And I will say that Eddie Guerrero is in Rob's Hall of Fame.
Had to. How could, whoa. Did you hear that?
Yes. Sorry, this is the, he does the shimmy when he wins. Oh, really? Yeah, I have to do the, I have to do the Eddie shimmy. Oh, fantastic. This was great.
Thank you so much for having me. Oh my God, thanks so much for being here. Thank you for letting me, I mean, not eulogize, but celebrate the career of someone who everyone should get to know.
Yes, exactly. Do you have, we plugged your Twitter. Yes. And the podcast. Yes. Anything else you want to plug or anything like that? I'm sure.
You can also, you can find me on Screen Junkies talking about movies. I'm on there on Wednesdays, not Wednesdays. I'm on there on Thursdays, you can find me on Screen Junkies. You can also find me, I have a Patreon where I love bad movies and wrestling.
If you like one or both of those things, we will have these live Discord chats where we'll all watch a movie together or something that's readily available on your Netflixs or your Hulus, and we'll kind of talk about it. So, you know, just a lot of making a lot of fun. Like for Christmas, we did Christmas Prince 2, Christmas Prince 1, which I have not seen and will not see. But so we had a really good time kind of chatting through that.
Yeah. Yeah, so come find us over there. My prices are cheap because I know what I'm worth. Fantastic. Do it. Thank you so much for being with us, and we'll see you next time. |
dropout | tinder_in_a_haunted_house_the_schining_pt_2 | Wow. This place is great. How can we afford this? We got a really good deal on it because of all the murders and the maddening psychic energy exuded by the house itself.
The what? Anyway, I'm sure you guys are excited to get to writing, just like I am, so I'll leave you to it. You guys want to look for some local ass on Tinder?
Yes, of course I would. I would enjoy that. Let's get to work. Yeah. Ooh, yeah.
All these people are right here. The murdered wife of Delbert Grady. Room 237 is only .1 miles away.
Hot. That's scary. Scary fuckable. We're a hot commodity to these people.
This woman looks like she hasn't been out of the bathtub in years.
Ooh. Girl who watched her twin sister get murdered by an axe and was then murdered by an axe. Yes. Ah, split her in two. A clown who got electrocuted during a children's birthday party. Yes.
And Brad is the bassist in a Christian reggae band called We Don't Need No Crystal Ball. Oh my god. I know. Brad was still wearing his class ring. There's some dark shit out there. No, not that. All those horrible dead people. Aren't you guys listening to what you're saying? All right, fine, Raph. Here, guess swipe.
Elevator full of blood. A vegetarian who was eaten by a horny cow. An Irish nanny who died chasing a ball.
Snow to everyone. What? Raph, you maniac. Yeah, those were all guaranteed matches. So all those people live in this house?
No, thank you. Oh, monster. Yeah, see, they're gross. No, no, this girl only has group shots. I don't know which one of them is which.
They're playing a fucking game with us. Yeah, what's up guys? Tendering for the uncles? Yes, ma'am. Hell yeah.
I'm not sure that we're safe here. You might be right, Raph. Jake is the manager of an Auntie Anne's pretzel stand in the mall. Nope. And Megan is a pyramid herbal representative. Stop, I'm getting freaked out.
Those, no, those people sound fine. At least they're not literally decomposing. No, don't you understand, Raph? We could have been these people.
Yeah, seriously. It's like looking in a freaky mirror and I'm wearing an Uncle Cracker t-shirt. Randy collects swords and brews his own energy drink called Lock and Load. Okay, we have to stop. I'm getting too freaked out.
I'm having some luck on mine. A screaming hay. Uh-oh. A woman with no mouth. And an ever expanding tub of humanoid goo all matches. Jealous. Ah, we got a message back. Hey. Ooh, that's flirt. Where you going? I'm gonna go meet one of those normal people. Hey, must be the money. Just kidding. Must be the Megan. Anyway, I brought some literature about a health sensation that's sweeping the nation. Pyramid Herbal. Just get three friends, and then they get three friends, and then they get 64.
Hello. Hi, 911. I'm calling about a group of my employees that are in a rental up by you for a writing retreat. Okay, sir.
How can I help you? Well, I haven't been able to get through to them and I'm worried something terrible may have happened. I feel very, very dumb. Well, we'd be more than happy to head on over and check it out for you.
No, that's okay. I'll do it myself. Really? Are you in the area? No.
No, I'm very far away, in fact. Very, very far away.
Why did you even bother calling? Hello? So dumb.
If you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
TheOnion | Deadly_Super_Rainbow_Tears_Through_West_Coast | The Onion News Network, brought to you by New Belgium Brewing Company. Balanced news for a balanced beer.
California is reeling from super-rainbow Percival, which left a trail of devastation along the West Coast. A luminous band of destruction touched down in Santa Barbara and wreaked havoc as far north as Napa. Percival set a record as the most powerful rainbow in U.S. history, with at least 30 confirmed fatalities and damage estimates in the billions. The vividly saturated colors seared through homes and roads, charring everything in its path. Those exposed to the rainbow's fury say they're lucky to be alive. The sky was completely blue. All of a sudden it's filled with brilliant hues of red and indigo. All I can say is when I was a kid, rainbows didn't cut people in half. Meteorologists say that Percival is just the latest in a pattern of increasingly dangerous rainbows, and that they're only growing stronger as global temperatures rise. Percival also comes on the heels of some extreme weather phenomena overseas.
Authorities in the Philippines are still searching for thousands in the aftermath of mega-sunset Wilma. Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this tragedy. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_spin_the_bottle | Don't do it, don't do it. My brother just stuck the fork in the electrical socket, and was like, ugh, ugh, ugh. So he ended up dying. Why would you tell the story that way?
Hey guys, who wants to play Spin the Bottle with all dudes? All play. Ugh. Ah, that was weird. I said all play. Hey guys, what are you playing? Spin the Bottle.
Wanna join? Um, no thanks. Come on! It'll be fun. Okay, fine.
Whose turn is it, I guess? Well, since it was my idea, I'll take the island. It's yours. It's definitely yours.
Oh, okay. Uh, here goes nothing. Okay, okay, lap it up. Come on. Alright, David, your turn. Alright.
Oh! Two in a row, that means you guys got a kiss for five whole seconds. Fine. One, two, three, four, five! Alright, my turn again. Oh! You guys have to enter into a meeting for a relationship. Two years later and I love her just as much as the day I met her. Oh!
Four in a row, now you have to fight about something inconsequential. Yes, you did! You said seven thirty! Five in a row, now you have to renege on something you said earlier in the relationship. No, no, no, no, I said in the near future. Six in a row, now you have to deny having feelings for someone else, even though it's obvious that you do. Him? David, don't be ridiculous. Seven in a row! Now you have to get really drunk and say something you don't mean.
At least real whores get paid.
Listen, David, I didn't... I'm fucking killing you! |
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