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CrackerMilk | funzone_with_elias | Hello boys and girls and welcome to the fun zone with Elias. Today we're going to be learning lots of new things.
Do you hear that? That sounds like a dinosaur or it could be a carnivore and carnivores can eat us. Did you know not all dinosaurs are carnivores? Some are herbivores. Roar!
Oh no it's Dan the dinosaur. G'day everybody I'm Dan the dinosaur. Hi Dan.
Hi Elias how are you? I'm great thanks and how are you?
I'm great I've been eating meat. Meat? He's been eating meat that means he's a carnivore.
Yep I am. Did you know all dinosaurs are dead? What are we doing today Elias?
Well today Dan we're going to be finger painting. Finger painting? Yeah. What's that? That's when you paint with your fingers. I don't think I can do that Elias because I don't have any fingers. Oh Dan you crack me up. Did you know CBO does not include state and local taxes in its analysis of effective tax rates? Can you teach me how to finger paint? I think I can Dan. Let's go! Now let's get into finger painting.
Now that we have Dan here let's draw a dinosaur. So get together your paints and let's get to it. Here I'm going to be drawing Dan's head with blue paint because Dan's a blue dinosaur. And there you have it. A dinosaur. Okay we'll do it again. So we're drawing the head and the neck. And there you have a dinosaur.
Are you messing me around? Oh no I swear to god man every time I paint it just turns into a dick. Look one more time and I'll bite it off. Okay I'll try I just. Look I don't care what you do use the other hand or something but just get it done. The other hand? Of course. Alright kids let's try it again with the other hand. Let's go! |
TheOnion | Nation_s_First_Boombox_Carrying_Rollerskating_Congressman_Broke_Boundaries | He was on this day in 1982 that the first roller-skating wall carrying a boombox member of Congress was elected when James Sugar Boots Franklin narrowly won New York's eighth congressional seat. Franklin's victory was a watershed moment at the time, signaling that America's burgeoning population of boombox-carrying roller-skaters had finally gained mainstream acceptance. We proved Congress isn't just for suits and crew cuts. Say hello to the slickest legislator on eight weeks, James Sugar Boots Franklin. Franklin was an unlikely pioneer, a street-smart skater who admitted to being more concerned with impressing honeys with his silky smooth moves than with politics. But as Franklin became more engaged in the roller-skating dude community, his eyes were open to the harmful depictions of roller-skaters in television and film. Franklin began organizing boombox-carrying roller-skaters advocating for basic rights like roller-skate-accessible ramps in government buildings and protected street lanes where they could lay down cones for some sweet slaloming. Just because we like to roll it out and have a smooth, fluid style that cannot be denied doesn't mean we aren't Americans. Franklin campaigned vigorously after a tough fight made it to Congress, where he continued his crusade not just for roller-skaters, but for all Americans.
I'm not here to jive you. I only ask that you consider the importance of H.R. 4531, which would increase funding to early education centers for all children. And with that, I thank you and yield the remainder of my time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gots to boogie. Unfortunately, Franklin was forced to resign after he was caught spray-painting his tag on the Washington Monument. |
cracked | 5_fan_theories_better_than_the_actual_movie_star_wars_harry_potter | Bye, clever fan theories. Vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal, but he shall have power. The Dark Lord knows no more. Come, shiver! 14 years ago, a death eater named Bellatrix Lestrange used a cruciatus curse on my parents.
Hi, guys. Hi, Neville. Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest. No, it's not fair. I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours.
It's breaking her bones now. She's crushing you from the inside out. She's going to be around for a long time, isn't she?
So should I start calling your dad? No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter. That's what your uncle told you. You fought in the Clone Wars? Yes. I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father. Obi-Wan Kenobi, I wonder if he means Old Ben Kenobi. I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about? Haven't gone by the name of Obi-Wan since all before you were born. Well, then, the droid does belong here. Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid.
Once or twice? Recently. Possibly. No one can control clouds. That would be silly. The wind, a little bit. And the hints, and hints, they find, they find.
Where did you learn to cook? Paris, in the 18th century. I always say the place to hang a hat is on a hat stand. Smaller on the outside.
Not so fast, please. I can't understand a word you're saying. Again? Oh, the poor man. Fo-jo-ko-fo-to-to. No, boho-so-ko-ro-to-so. And what you can when you've learned him.
As I expected, Mary Poppins practically perfect in every way. Bowtires are cool.
Hey, you like stand up. Come see the crack stand up show. It's happening Tuesday, May 9 at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comedians, including our own Theresa Lee, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you want to see me drink this very, very hot coffee, ow, ow, ow, ow. |
dropout | the_7_impressions_dudes_always_do | Yeah, so that was when I realized my gambling hobby had become a gambling problem. And why you were my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics. Anyway, it was a really difficult... Shh, quiet. You know, I looked into the soul of a boy next to him. Oh no. Your mortality threw my work. I won a gate if I'm not dying. Yeah, it's not bad. I think it's more like, I wouldn't want to be a part of a club that would have someone like me as a member. No, no, no. Yeah, I have like more like stuttering at you. It's like, oh, the Jade Scorpion. I was stung by that. What the fuck is happening?
There are a handful of impressions that male movie nerds love to do. They're not at all interesting or challenging, but that won't stop them from showing them off at every party. Once they start, there's no stopping them. You're just going to kind of let them run. Oh, it looks like they're moving on to the next one, which is going to be...
All right, all right, all right. Hey. McConaughey. Time is a flat circle. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. How long is this going to go on for?
Everyone needs to show that they can also do the impression. And they don't realize that they're not doing that kind of a job? Oh, they will think that they are doing the perfect impression.
My wife. Ooh. It's nice, I like her. It's nice. Oh, wow.
Can you guys do Bane? Ooh, I was born in the darkness. You think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted it. I was born at the top.
This is really lame. We know. Here's another one I can do.
My precious, spicy, tricksy, who's brothers? They're the tricksy little hobbitses. They're tricksy farmers.
I'm Sean Connery. Uh, do expect me to talk. You might have noticed that Grant couldn't do Gollum, so he's quickly trying to move the group towards an impression that he can do. Oh, yeah, he probably panicked and worried that he was going to get kicked out of this weird male party ritual. Uh, suck it, Trebek. I'm bond, James Bond. Yeah, but it's more like, it's more like, You've made your part, Goldfinger. Thank you for the demonstration.
What do you think, Siobhan? Maybe Christopher Walken next? Gross, you're right. Let's go get a drink. I gotta have more cowbell.
Wow, guys. Wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Man, I'm so glad that women don't have any noteworthy party rituals. I know, right? Stop the button. Sarah! Sarah, you rumpers. Thank you. |
cracked | the_terrifying_cinderella_transformation_everyone_forgets_disney_parody | So, that old woman, godmother, she gave Cinderella a new dress, and who was she again? Stranger. As far as I can tell, complete stranger. I have never seen her before.
I mean, it's a nice dress. A very nice dress. That would have been nice, right there.
But then, she turned us into... I know. I. KNOW. Half an hour ago, I was a dog. Dog. I didn't even know there was a word for it. For me. And now I'm a...
A... What the fuck does she think she is?
Just, oh good, there's a horse, there's a dog, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, you're people now. Hope this rash decision doesn't come with huge repercussions. Right? And I was already a perfectly good horse. What? The carriage needed horses, Bruno. It needed them. But some rats instead of me?
What the honest fuck? Okay, I feel like you're missing the bigger point here. It's just so insulting.
I mean, I know it. I know a bunch of the other horses here. We see each other around the township all the time. Major, I know that I have a future and a past now. I know that I wasn't always this old and that's really sad.
This carriage? I can tell that this carriage is beautiful. I have no idea how, but I can just tell. It's pretty. Oh, too pretty for an old horse like me?
That's not a fair comparison and you know it. Look, they got those gold blinders and their manes are all... Combed? Just do that to me. No magic? Just a brush.
Instead, everyone is looking at these... They're just mice, everybody. They're magic mice that got transformed, that's all.
We are going to die and there's nothing we can do about it. Our lives are finite, it's rough.
You know that now and you have to carry that knowledge for the rest of your life even if she turns you back into a horse tonight. Yeah, like I'm going back after the way she humiliated me. I'm never talking to her again. See, I feel like you're being intentionally obtuse now. Don't you think you can make me go back?
Fat chance! Look, that's a carriage wheel. It's coming back with us. The force will pull your arms off immediately. Physics, I just got that.
Well then I'll make a run for it. I'll just run away out there.
That's not a bad idea, actually. We could just make a break for you and me, enjoy what we have left in these bodies. Oh, s**t, I think, I think I'm afraid of the dark. I was just thinking that. Probably, probably millions of golfer holes out there anyway, so.
So what are our options? I mean, we have to go back, right? It's not just back home, but back, back.
It's not bad, Cinderella takes good care of us. I'll probably eat that cat someday, at least now I can picture it. I'll just be a dog and you'll just be a horse. Goddamn great horse. I'm glad it was you. I'm glad she picked you. Would have been hard to do this alone. Oh man, I didn't even think about that. You only need one carriage driver, what the f**k, old lady? I'm such a good horse. The words are right there. |
dropout | barely_tamed_grizzly_a_sexy_shapeshifter_hunts_for_his_mate | Hello, and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross, with me as sometimes is my special guest host, Jamie. Hi!
So nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. So excited.
I have two erotic books under my belt, so I'm an expert. Whoa, holy fuck, we got three experts today, my goodness. Well before I introduce our experts, thank you so much for being here.
You might be listening to us wherever you listen to podcasts. You might be watching us on CH2, or my favorite way, you might be a dropout subscriber. If you are not already subscribed to dropout, it's so cool and fun. There's lots of shit that you get. You get to watch all of the original content that we have, Troopers, Paranoia, new seasons of D20 coming out, a new side quest just came out, Blood Cube. You can also listen to all the different podcasts, Tales from the Closet, Erotic Book Club. And one of my favorite parts about being a dropout subscriber is you get to be on our Discord, which is our message channel where you get to talk directly to us.
I have some fun things from there. Quencho says the white faux fur chairs make them look like naughty little angels sharing sinful thoughts. And I thought that was very cool. Pro tip, oh, I'm just watching Shared by Lumberjacks.
Are we just going to brush over the fact that Jess said she was chased by a moose? I was chased by a moose.
If you want the whole story, you got to go to the Discord. I wrote it in there.
I have, I don't know how to pronounce this, M-key-han loves when Rekha gets excited and waves her arms back and forth. That is a classic Rekha move. Anybody who knows Rekha knows this is her signature excited move. It's one of my favorite things about Rekha too.
And then, I can't pronounce anybody's names, but somebody cat, Qcat, is in the Discord catching up on all the erotic book clubs and writing big long synopses about each one. And it's very cute. I love reading them and hearing their thoughts because they know a lot about erotica. So I learned from them as well. And so if you are on the Discord, you get to be a part of these fun conversations. But we have a different fun conversation for today.
We are talking about our book, The Barely, B-E-A-R, all capitalized, tamed Grizzly, a part of the Bear Clan series. It's number three in the series, as I'm sure we all know, by Janika Snow. It was a USA Today bestselling author. She is. I don't know if this particular book was, but hey, that's pretty exciting.
And to help us really dive into this book, we, of course, needed some experts with us. In the book, the two main characters, you find out are virgins who are going to mate together for life. So we had to bring on some virgin experts. Our first virgin expert is Andy.
Hello. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me.
Any virgin facts you'd like to share? A couple of tips to stay virgin, keep your pants on.
Sure. Never say hi. Oh. Never say hi. I noticed when I said hello to you, you threw hot coffee in my face. That's how I would stay a virgin. Hello. Yes. Happy to be here.
Happy to be a co-virgin expert with Andy. We've never locked eyes once, Andy and I. It's part of the code. It's part of the code. Yes. Virgin code. Oh, yes. There's a virgin code.
You never lock eyes. Never lock pelvises or eyes.
That's it. Yeah. We all have those tattoos. Wow. Wonderful. Yeah.
And now you're an erotica expert. And now I'm an erotica expert.
This will be great. I know nothing about virgins.
Wait. No. You're in the group. No. You come to all the meetings. Wait.
Never say hi.
So if you did not have the wonderful chancery, barely tamed grizzly, the characters to catch you up are Ollie. Is that how you guys are pronouncing me? O-L-I. Okay. Wonderful.
And India, who I thought was going to be one of our first person of color female protagonist. Turns out she's another beautiful, pale-skinned, blond-eyed, delicate-angled goddess. Too big for her face.
Yeah. That was a line. Yes.
Too big.
So there you have it. Our story starts off. We have a little bit of a prologue. We meet Ollie, and he's at the beach, and he's just kind of sniffing around for a mate. He's like right at it. He's just like, I had to leave the forest, and I got to come here and find a mate. And then we also, it changes point of view. We get Ollie's point of view in India's, in pretty much each chapter.
India is a foster child all alone in this world. She has no family, but she has so much goodness in her heart. So she has a medical van that she drives up and down the coast to help homeless people.
She gives them bandages for their boo-boos. Literally a scene in the book. Literally, yeah. She's like, that's all I can do is give band-aids and vitamins. I'm trying to help people. Sexy as hell.
The woman's crying. The woman with the daughter's like, oh, you saved her life.
Just covered in jewel girl, covered in band-aids. Yeah, just kidding. Eating band-aids. It's the least that she can do.
And then the kind of chapters leading up to when they actually meet just are somewhat repetitive. It's just him saying how much he wants a mate. So he is a bear. We should mention that as well. That's the bear part of all of this. He's a shifter. So he's just sometimes a bear and sometimes he's a dude. And sometimes the bear comes out a bit and his eyes turn yellow. And that's when he's really on the prowl.
Sounds like every man. Ryan? Craziness.
6 a.m.
Where we are. We'll also on that, we'll talk about this, but it was confusing why he wasn't a bear.
Some of the times he would have these qualities like he really wanted to mark her neck, and he could smell great. Like the sense of smell on this guy, wow, was I turned on by that or what? Oh yeah. I know you're being sarcastic, but when we talked about this earlier, I have a really bad sense of smell. So hearing somebody get off on smells a lot, I was like, ooh, that sounds kind of fun. The author described her vagina as like a musk, and like the smell quality we're like not hot. I'm like, I don't want anyone to be able to smell at all, nevermind like a heightened sense of smell.
Are you kidding? Smell the mildew. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're getting the shower. God, hold on.
And he's not like a werewolf type of bear situation where he's kind of like a bear who then could talk to you a bit. He's just a flat out bear, right? And it never, you know, spoiler, it never gets to the point where she has sex with a bear.
But I thought that that may be happening. I thought so too. I was waiting for it.
Because his bear, he claims is always going to be almost coming out. Yeah. And every other line is like, it almost happened. He's constantly teasing about being a bear. Yeah. And also, is he enormous as a regular man? I worry.
He's 6'3". 6'3". Okay, so he's like pretty big.
He casted him as Jason Momoa. Me too. Immediately. Okay, yeah. Immediately. Well, that would have helped me. Jason Momoa is Aquaman.
Never saw him. He's Game of Thrones. Oh, but I don't know who you're talking about. Yes, he's also never seen it. Oh, my goodness. I don't know if you saw him.
Like, yeah, he is an imposing figure on the red carpet. Okay. He's a big old guy. I'm a red carpet. You know, when you see those arrivals, he's got a scrunchie on his hand. See, my boyfriend's 6'6", so I'm looking at a 6'3". Wow.
Like, you call that a bear, bitch? That's a dog.
Move along. Yeah. Do you relate a lot to this character? No.
You do have a licensed medical van where, for some reason- That was weird. I do have a licensed medical van.
Yes. And my boyfriend does sniff me and say, she's fertile. And that's when we avoid having sex, yeah. Yeah, I know. That was another part, too. We'll get to that. But it was like he really liked it when she was fertile, which is not how things should go. Maybe, but hey. We'll get to that.
We're really spoiled on this one. We're excited to get to- Well, because the book is a bit of a tease to a lot of the beginning. It's waiting and wanting. 47% was no sex. It's a lot of yearning for your mate. And they both feel kind of empty inside and that they're looking for something, and they know something's out there.
So he's at a diner, and he's never been to this part of the world before. He's always been just in the woods, so the beach is new to him, the diner's new to him. He gets a little smell from across the street, and he sees the medical van, but they don't meet quite just then.
And he fucks it. Yeah, and he goes and fucks the little gas pipe in it.
As a bear. Bears are so scary. So scary. If a man turned into a bear while we were having sex, I'd be scared. Terrified. And is a bear attractive?
Well, do you ever see that? I feel like they're just roundish. They're roundish. They're cute, but like. They're cute? It's not weird when you see those videos of a bear on its hind legs walking around, they really like people. It's really weird. That's true, yeah.
I've never seen a penis on a bear, have I? Do bears have penises?
Only you would know. Only I would know.
I don't think I have either. Like, when they're standing up, when you, like, a horse, you're like, here we are. Can we do an internet search for bear dicks? You don't get to see the undercarriage of a bear much. You just don't? It's not part of a...
Interesting. Let's go to the zoo and take a look. Discord, there's also a fan art, so if anyone wants to maybe draw an anatomically correct bear from, like, the standing up, join us, go to the zoo. Yeah, do a trip.
Most bears you meet, like, poo, yogi, they're just round at the bottom. They're de-sexualized. But it's funny because winning the poo didn't wear pants, he wore a little crop top.
He did. Yeah. Oh my god, I watched some of that Winnie the Pooh movie that just came out. He's so fucking cute. I was losing my mind. Yeah. I didn't know the movie came out.
How's the Yord doing?
Oh, he was okay. He's still like... I worry for him. He's just too much.
Yeah. It's like, at a certain point, you have to help yourself. Right. Yeah.
So I can't be here for a year anymore. Oh, she goes home, so she's done her van job for the day. She goes home, has a bottle of wine and some marshmallows, which I was like, get it. I love that.
And she's feeling lonelier and lonelier. She's flipping through photos of her, I guess, dead family. She talks about her big, beautiful blue eyes. Her lavender-scented bath, which I love lavender. I was really feeling this chapter. And then she's naked looking at herself in the mirror, and she feels like a tingle. She's touching herself, as we all do, when we have some alone time, really, just get in there. And she touches her neck, and she feels a bit of a jolt.
And so that, you discover later, is where the bear is going to. The way that they mate is they, I guess it's kind of like a vampire? Right. But they also talk about the saliva a lot, too. The bear latches in and then puts his saliva in you, and then you're made it for life. Yeah. And then, like, the marks stay. And so, if someone sees it, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. It's always like, so if any dude comes by, they know you're mine. Yeah.
Also, do bears do that? I've never seen bears fuck. When bears fuck, do they bite next?
Let's go to the zoo. We need to go to the zoo. We need a zoo trip. Can we post, go, and then come back?
I don't know if they, I would imagine they just insert their penises into the vagina. Yeah. I don't know how much biting happens. I guess kind of like a hickey. It was kind of like a hickey. It may mean they have. Yeah.
God, I'd be pissed.
The turtle necks we'd have to incorporate. I do not look like a turtle. I do not look good in turtle necks. Oh, and you would have to adapt. I bet you look great on a turtle neck.
Thank you. Speaking of, Ollie's back at the diner, nice segue.
He maybe is going to go surfing, but then he senses something bad is happening, and he sees the med van again, so he runs over to the med van, and there she is, so fragile, so they always in the book talk about how fragile and dainty and tiny this woman is. She's a little porcelain doll. She's like a little chihuahua. She's always a little chihuahua. Very small. She's a little chihuahua. It does make sense why her eyes are so big, too. She's holding eyes. She's a chihuahua. What if she's a shifter into a chihuahua? Is this little chihuahua having sex with a bear?
I think so. That makes sense.
So, little chihuahua's on the ground, and she's just so sad and shivering, and he instantly is like, this is my mate. And he is all about that. He's a little bit less of like, he is concerned if she's okay, but he also just immediately wants to hug her and kiss her and say, you're my mate for life, which would be a lot if I was just attacked in my med van.
Oh my God. Now, can I say what I loved, though? He just started cleaning. Yes. He didn't, he just, he did the work. I like that, too. He didn't ask, how can I help? He just did the work. I could have had the book go that way the rest of the book. He just cleans the entire van. He just does the story like, handles the emotional labor without being asked. You know, babe, let me check the oil, too, while I'm at it. Oh, God.
And I'm wet. I'm sweating.
Yo, this tire pressure is really low, babe.
And you're just like, oh. Oh. Yeah. Like, him asking, what else do you need? Oh. Yeah. Wow. I'm edging. I don't know if I felt quite the same way. Oh, okay. Okay. But that's okay.
It shows there's different things for everyone. You liked the smell stuff. I was more into smells, yeah. It's something I don't have, so it's a little forbidden for me. Yeah. This deviant septum of mine won't allow me to have any erotic smells.
Oh, so she, oh, but she likes it. I even wrote, she's a little freak for it. She is like, kind of freaked out by everything that happened. Her van has just been robbed and everything's been torn up to shit. He's helping her out. She's, of course, classic erotic, lick in her lips.
I did a lick lips count and also a count of how many times he calls himself a bastard. He refers to his bare inside as a bastard, a total of eight times, I believe.
They also refer to sexual parts as mounds. Mounds. I'm going to throw up a million times. He called her boobies once cotton covered mounds. Oh my god, that was the funniest thing. And her butt is mounds. Oh yeah. Everything's mounds. If there was anything to be mounds, I'd say butt. Front, I don't want mounds. I don't think mounds frontal is.
Yeah, it's the California one. Oh, okay, okay. Also, has anyone ever licked their lips? No.
It just feels so over the top. It would look so weird if I was about to kiss someone and went, I would be horrified. I definitely think when I was younger and first trying to be sexy, I would do it, like because it was a learned behavior thing.
It's like, oh, that's what people do. So you do little things like, oh, wow. Wait, you do what? No.
There were these magazines, always had tips for like how to look sexy and flirt. I remember one was like, brush the back of his arm and without gaining consent first, I was brushing so many backs of arms, just like, they're going to want me. They're going to want me. I must have looked insane. Can I help you?
Don't go near Jadie.
She just pets you. This will do it. Oh, it was biting the bottom of your lips. Oh, that was it.
No one ever does that. No. If I did, maybe it's unknowingly, maybe I'm so in the throes of passion, but definitely not to my knowledge have I done this.
So she's licking her lips. She's all about it.
They go to the diner and he's flat out like this bastard inside of me wants you real bad. You are my mate. So it's right on the table. I thought there was going to be a bit of like, no discussion, nothing. And she's like, I'm a little scared, but I'm feeling it. I think I get it and you're my mate too. And she's getting like wet right at the table from hearing that the diner around families.
Yeah. And I wasn't feeling this at first, but then it was like, she's super in intimacy and that really gets her off. And that's pretty cool. Yeah. They really got up for a lot of people of like, she had a, she had a real something missing in her life. Yeah.
So I think that maybe sold it a little bit books now where I've read where there's a foster care systems backstory, and then also bad people screwing with the female. And then the male is like, I'm going to protect you. Like those seem like themes in some books now. I think it's always to pit the person too is like, I have nothing and now you are my everything. And like instantly, which kind of, I guess is what I'm always adverse to. Because I just want young girls to be like, you got to have your own thing going on.
Keep the med van going, which she does. So I did like that part of it. She knows the business, which will not only that, she goes on shark tank. She's able to get two more med vans. Yeah. Barbara's her shark.
Oh, oh, I had this direct quote from this scene. So they're pretty much just like getting to know you. And he says to her, they're kind of talking about different things. It makes me wonder what you'll smell like when I'm deep within you, claiming you, marking you. When you've known less than 24 out, yeah, yeah. I did lick my teeth, not lips, but whoa, baby, all day, marked inside.
That's a tough quote. Yeah. That's a tough quote.
That's intense. That language was intense. There was a lot of that. It was very intense the entire time.
And some of it was like, whoo, I mean, I didn't hate it at all. Just the marking stuff. I don't want saliva in my neck.
Yeah. No. They said it gets in your bloodstream. Right. That's like the whole thing. Yeah.
I don't know if you should have saliva in your brain. A lot of bacteria. I don't think that's good.
Especially as a medical expert, she should know. She should know better.
Well, that's the luck. She has the band-aids. So it's... She could have band-aid on it right away. And that's it. So I think, yeah. That's a good point. Oh, my God. Also, she mentions that her panties get damp, her nipples get hard over her medical scrubs, which I thought was a funny detail. And they decide, all right, so I guess we're kind of together now.
And they go to their separate homes. They're thinking about each other. It's a little bit of a summer nights moment. And then they're like, we're going to go to the movies. So then they go to the movies.
That's such a jarring... I'm still seeing... That was the hard part. I'm still seeing a bear. It's hard to not imagine the bear at the movies, the bear surfing. I agree.
And we're in this world where I kind of felt like they were in the wilderness. This van is going to rural places, which is... She's serving underserved communities with her medical van. He's in the woods.
They're like, let's go to the movies. It was like, too urban for me. I can feel that, although, I mean, the thought of taking Jason Momoa to a movie, and then you're just like... I thought they were going to do it in the movie theater, and it was really fun when they did it.
47% of the book, no sex. No sex.
But when they got to it, I think it does deliver. We'll get to that.
So they're at the movies, but they can't concentrate on the movies. His thighs are described like tree trunks, thick, powerful, unwavering.
She's eating a ton of popcorn. There's a pile where she's like, I'm eating so much popcorn.
It's in his crotch. No doubt what he's packing is huge. Also, it's dark in the movie. She could not tell how big his crotch was in the movie theater. She would have to get so close, and then change the culture.
She's a liar. You're not a liar. You're a damn liar.
And they just do a little kiss in the movies, and they're like, no, no, no, we can't do this here. So then they go out to his truck, and then they drive up in his truck for a really long time.
Relatable. I loved this part. Hell, yeah. Because that's how your first kind of when you have that intense connection with somebody, and then you're just in a car. I feel like that's where it goes down a lot of the time. Totally. Very high school. I loved it.
He wants to bite her neck. And this is when, yeah, our fourth bastard comes. My bastard inside of me. He's very proud of himself for not tearing off of her clothes. Yeah, I thought this scene was really hot. They're just kind of rubbing up on each other.
Oh, she notices the flashes of yellow in his eyes that the bear might come out. And this is when I thought it was like, is there about to be a bear in this truck? I know. That would be crazy. Animal control would have to come down, and she's like naked in the car with a bear. What a dark ending if that happened. We're about to come, about to come, and we're in her own bed van with us.
What's the word talk movie? What is it? Which one? We're talking movie where the documentary with the end is the saddest thing in the world.
Oh, Grizzly Man. Grizzly Man.
Oh, he did that? Oh, my God. This is like Grizzly Man. This is like that. Damn. Oh, my God.
Well, we could talk about Grizzly Man off air. I feel like I shouldn't get into that. We can talk about Grizzly Man. That was just a strange relationship for people who haven't seen. This man really left bears.
It was kind of a beautiful thing, but it was a little too close. A little too close.
Yeah. I know so, not so many, but anyone that I know from Alaska, though, has a different relationship with nature in that way. They are like, oh, yeah, there's a moose in my backyard, and I know the moose. There's a respect, but also a kinship with animals. Right. Like that. I mean, I want to be chilling out with fucking bears and moose. Yeah, because bears are like, that's the whole sexy thing about them, I guess, is that they're kind of going to kill you.
Yeah. I'm not lying. Really? Yeah. Oh, for sure.
We've talked about The Revenant. I feel so much on this podcast, but if you haven't seen it, you've got to see it for that bear scene, my God. These chairs, in a way, are very bear-like. I do like feeling like I'm in a giant, warm bear paw. That is a nice feeling. I guess I could understand. I never thought of those little bear paws. I love that.
They're dry humping in the van, and he's like, no, no, no. I want to mark your neck. I want to put my saliva in your neck, but we have to wait. I want to do it in a bed, like a gentleman. Yeah, he says, not in a fucking parking lot. No, no. There's like a line that's like that.
Yeah, all of a sudden, this bear, he's like, I'm an indoor guy. I got him. Come on. We got standards. This guy probably lives in a tree. What's his problem? Excuse me, sir.
Don't live in trees. Okay, we're not hibernating. Get out of here.
Get some fun stuff. That is true. It would have made more sense to say, I want to make love to you.
In my den. In the den, yeah, not in the bedroom.
I have twigs laid out for you. So they, oh, wait. I'm on the wrong page. So they go back to the house, and they have one of these moments where you're kind of like making out in front of the door, and then go through the door, and the neighbor's like looking like, oh, my. And she's like, I don't have a neighbor with you. Yeah. And then, oh, she felt a fresh goosh of moisture leave her.
Goosh. That was what it's, which I thought was very funny. Wait, you mean gush? Oh, I pronounce it as goosh. Goosh is not a word. Goosh?
Your whole life? What about the snacks?
Gooshers? Oh, my God. G-U-S-H, your whole life has been goosh? Wow. What a fun. Wait a minute. It's spelled G-U-S-H, the word gush. Wow. Goosh. What a beautiful gooshing waterfall. I've never seen something like that. Goosh is like a taint at that point. Oh, it says a gooshing waterfall. Oh, my God.
Goosh. Oh, Goosh is a nickname for a gross dude. Oh, it's the goosh over there. Oh, it's the goosh. It's the goosh. Goosh. Goosh is always playing a ping pong ball.
What's it called? Beer.
Virgin. I'm a virgin. Oh, I forgot. Yes, we're virgins. I forgot we're virgins. Oh, my God. Never forget.
They make it back to the bed. She blossoms for him like a flower opening under the sun.
Take me, claim me, mate. They continue to call each other mate from this point on, which I wasn't into. Our bears, we also have to keep going to the zoo, our bears very monogamous. It felt like this was like when I mate, I mate for life.
I'm not that too, like penguins. Yeah, but I never heard that about bears.
I feel like any time I see bears, it's like a mom bear on her own. She's having to do it all as a single mom bear. And then the male bears are running out and finding humans, leaving the female bears to fend for themselves.
Isn't that typical? That's the origin of what? This is why the mama bears are protecting their cubs.
Little Chihuahua smoking. Oh, he cleats for her. They often describe to the sensation of burning alive as like a sexy thing, but that didn't come across as...
You got to go to the doctor then. Yeah. That's when you get stuff checked out. She is the doctor. Well, she should know. Oh, he also...
So this is when we find out that he's a virgin. He's never been with anyone. We find out she's never been with anyone. He also says he's never gotten hard for anyone else before, which I appreciate the sentiment.
I guess that's supposed to be there, but that's just not true. That's just not true. I mean...
He's a teen shifter. There's no way he wasn't running around with a boner.
Honestly, though. Yeah. Because if you think about... Well, okay, let's talk about wet dreams, sure. Sure. So if you're hibernating, there's got to be one or two in there. Yeah.
And they're probably very long. Bears have 100 directions every hibernation.
In fact, try to fight me on it. And it's pretty remarkable if they were both virgins that this was their first experience. I mean, talk about...
They do a great job. A great job. Yeah, it's hard to finish.
Wow. Straight up penetration and she comes immediately.
Yeah, it's like, are you kidding? Yeah. My first thing was like, it didn't go in. It was like, this isn't working. It said, this can't... Okay. That is true, yeah. It was like, nope. Or it just hurts. You're like, oh, no, no more. Exactly.
Why do people like this?
Yeah. I had a little exchange between them. He says, tell me what you want... Oh, she says, tell me what you want me to do to you. Fuck. She went there, said those words.
It might frighten you. Well, it'll turn me on. I'm going to have my dick so deep inside of you. Fuck you so hard. Every time you sit down, you'll think of only me, mate.
Oh, God.
Now we're not only marking the neck. We are making...
Destroying her... Destroying this woman's life.
Yeah, the pussy up. Yeah. Every time you sit. Imagine if you're like... Four... Every time. The rest of your life. That's not a good thing. She has to deal with patience and she's going to be unable to sit. Yeah.
But that did feel like... I know it's meant to be hot and horny, but it does feel like more of something that a virgin would say or something.
Like, oh, I'm going to pound you so hard, so fast. I'm going to put my balls inside of you. Yeah. I'm going to put my balls inside of you. My ass is going to even get up in there. That's my whole body. My whole body. My butt's going to eat all the way up here in my seat. I'm going to put my elbow in there.
He shows his cock off a bit. I don't like that. Hey! He just kind of likes and shows his bear dick. He's so proud. You like my bear penis? He does. He's like, get a little reveal. He likes my bear penis.
And she does. She's like, oh my God, that's so huge. How will it ever fit?
I'm going to fuck you. Make you scream and cream all over my cock. Scream and cream. He's like a hair metal lyric. Yes. Scream and cream. My God.
So then, yeah, they... Oh, and then finally, at the height of this, he claims her. He gives her a little saliva hickey. And then they're made it, and they're so in love. Next day, he's on the phone with his bro talking about, and his bro, Asher, is like, oh, couples who mate, right?
They suck. They're the worst.
And he's like, yeah, I don't think that anymore because I made it. And then he gets a little whiff, and he whiffs out the two robbers who robbed his girlfriend India's medical van. My pages are all over the place. So he goes over, and he becomes a bear? This part confused me. Some form of a bear. His bear instincts, at the very least, kicked in. Yeah. I think there's a line where he says his bones start to break or something. Ooh. I think that's when he turns into a bear, no? Maybe I missed... Either that, or he got very injured. Or he fell down on the walk over to the robbers.
There you go. Oh, fuck! Fuck! I'm getting old!
So he goes over, and I thought he was going to kill them. And they're very much like the wet bandits. They're like, so what are we going to rob now, Tony?
There's an old lady over here.
We can rob it. It'll be almost as fun as the time we robbed that girl's medical van.
They say exactly. Yeah, they get off on it. It's not about robbing stuff. They just... It's not about the money.
They say they're addicts, too, right? They're like drug addicts.
Oh, no. It's kind of sad. They were just looking for drugs because they were getting sick. No, we needed that detail.
This fucking bear dude's going to go eat the shit out of him. Put the book down now. I'm crying. So he goes into bear mode.
The scent of their fear was putrid. It pleased me. And I wrote that was metal as fuck. Scream and scream. Scent of their fear, putrid.
And he's just like, you better, if you ever fuck with that medical van again, I'm going to kill you. And he's... Oh, he does fuck them up a bit. He scratches them up because he comes home and he's covered in blood. And she's a little upset, but she also really gets off on it.
And then they do it again in a pretty similar way as the first time they hit most of the same beats. Yeah, pretty similar sex scenes, I'd say.
It was kind of a bit of a bulge. There was always a bulge and then it picked up. A bulge of mouths.
We did get an eat out scene, which I always love. Oh, this was the cotton covered mounds. I love that phrase. Her cotton covered mounds. He's a seven, thank you.
Don't talk like that. Her mouths, we don't talk about mouths, don't you?
Yeah, so they have sexy sex again. He sucked on my bundle of nerves. Okay, that's what everyone calls a clip. I hate that. Bundle of nerves is like the least...
It's four o'clock in the morning.
He sucked on my goofs. He sucked on my nerves.
I'm like, goosh. My nerves and my goosh. Goosh. I got the two boys' nerves and goosh. Grab it again. My nerves and goosh. Nerves and goosh. The face of your bones. Cream and cream. Nerves and goosh.
Oh, my God. So then, yeah, what else happens? Oh, he shifts. What the fuck? My brain just stopped.
Oh, they're hanging out with their bear bros later. Oh, yeah, it was just like a nice dinner party. Yeah, then they go to a dinner party with his bear bros. Asher's there, his other bros there, and they're all loving India. She fits in with the bear clan perfectly.
They love her med van. They want to hear all about it.
Then they're like, okay, we're going to go off into the woods. And then this was good because, yeah, this is his natural habitat. So when they go into the woods, does that mean they're all going to have sex in the woods, or that's just where they go to sleep at night, the bear?
I didn't even think of that. I assumed they had a beautiful mid-century cabin for some reason.
Does he work in construction? I don't think he has a job. Oh, maybe he does.
He lives off the land, the rabbits. The rabbits, the fish? The fish, the berries. Put a sum up.
The sangria.
Yeah, there were a lot of questions I had in this shifting world, like, do you pay taxes? Are you human? Because they say it's like a normal thing. Janie, your poor brain. It's like an erotica, it's hot, and you're like, well, are they?
So what's the tax? Do they have accountants that they go to? Do they have insurance? What's happening? Yeah, what is the insurance?
I thought about that van. Honestly, is she private? Why is our healthcare system, having people fall through the cracks, where she needs to have this van? There's a lot of things where I was like, oh, I am very turned on reading this book. I did like, at first I was like, oh, she's just kind of a snow white bell, just so beautiful and nice, but the more she talked about her van, I was like, I feel like she really does like her job and what she does, and that she does care about helping people. And especially at the end when she gets more vans and keeps doing it and doesn't just go into the forest with him, I'm like, oh, that's awesome. So then he's looking for this mate, and it's a lot of pressure on her, like you were saying, to just be everything to him. She has her own life. She should not be like, I guess it wouldn't work for me to be excited by a mate saying, you're my everything and my wine. It's like, look, I got a van, okay? I got stuff to do.
I can't be that for you. Totally. That's not sexy.
I would agree with that. But it was nice that he seemed to, and the brothers, they all seemed to let her business flourish. They helped grow it.
That's true. Yeah. I guess that's hot. Yes. I guess that's hot. It doesn't have to be hot. It's not for me. Yeah.
They go into the woods and make love again against a tree, and they just feel so whole and complete together.
It also has to hurt. Oh, my God. It's like a rug burn is one thing, but like a fucking bark burn. Bark burn.
Now you're going to be marked. And there's like ants and stuff that'll crawl on you, dirt. And then where are you supposed to like? And then you have to pee afterwards, right?
Well, I would almost say that that's kind of a nice part. I'm with you, Andy. I'm with you. That might be a nice word. They just kiss wherever they want. Yeah.
Once sexier, then you two have sex against a tree, and then you just have a squat really close by. You don't even have to stand pissed. You have your pants and you try. Every time I've tried to pee outside, and I do the thing where you pull the pants, so you just always pee on the pants.
Me too. I take mine off. I have to take mine off.
It's going everywhere. There's no way. And then when you think like, I'll try to aim here, you aim the exact opposite way.
It's like something in the back of your brain will always find the pants. I need to walk back and go, well, I have pee on my pants. The piss finds the pants.
It's always fun. Many of it's so, or people with penises have it so easy, because it's really, you could go anywhere.
When I was living in New York, I'd constantly see people just peeing on buildings. I'm like, that is life. Every time I've peed on a building, which is a lot, it always rolls right back onto my feet. I think everything is always angled, and I always happen to piss at an upward angle, so it always just rolls right back down, and then I'm stepping in my own day.
Life finds a way. It really does. Wow. So these two are making love on this tree. But in the distance, our final, our almost final chapter in the book, we get a whole new point of view from Asher, Ollie's brother, who is watching them, jealous that he doesn't have a mate.
And also creepy. Yeah, very creepy.
I'm violently jacking off. Oh!
He's the house flipper. He flips houses for a living.
Oh, that's where I got that. I got it. Yeah, I don't know if Ollie has a job. Okay, all right.
But they might all flip houses. I mean, yeah, if he flips houses, then they must all have jobs, I imagine. They're not all like you. Oh, that'd be a fun TV show. I would find flipping a house erotic.
Bare flip.
A bunch of brothers. Literally flipping houses, yeah. It's like flipping and physically. When they're not shifting, they're flipping.
There's their bears and they come in, scare the family out and just shit, like tear everything apart, and then they turn into humans and fix it again. And then they make it like a beautiful marble floor.
Yes. Wow. That'd be great.
Bear flippers.
He's feeling a little bit too old. He's feeling like Danny Galver in Lethal Weapon. He's too old for this shit. He says that. Yeah, he's like, I'm just like Danny Galver. Too old for this shift.
Nice. Thank you. Perfect joke.
Heidi Comedy.
And he's saying that, you know, being made is overrated, but in his heart, he knows he's just saying that because he's lonely. And everyone at Stutely realized that that was probably setting up the next book. I just thought it was a very odd, random chapter. And he was literally like, he was like, I'm going to go to the bar, not to find a mate, just to have fun. And it's like, oh, you're going to find a mate at the bar in the next book.
Yeah. We have the epilogue.
India is in a cabin. She's no longer in California. Now she's in Colorado. She's got two more vans.
Ollie's out hunting for rabbits. So I guess he is a bear right now. He comes home with a rabbit in his mouth. Something like that. Is he a bear at the time? I guess. It's hard to tell.
Would it be easier to hunt rabbits as a person? Because he just sent a bunch of traps and collected dead rabbits. It would definitely be easier as a bear, I think.
Because he doesn't have hands. He's got to just put one in his mouth and take it home and then hunt another one and take it home. As a person, he can put some in his pocket. Some in his pocket. Yeah, bears don't have pockets. Unless, of course, he has pants.
But they never do.
Really cute. That would be fun. That would be nice.
They only wear t-shirts.
I saw a picture of a dog wearing overalls the other day, and it was so cute. That was really cute. It was really cute. See, we shift our animals into people all the time. Wow. And I was like, dude, that dog is hot. That dog knows overalls. Ooh, what's under those overalls? We were in a movie theater, and then I had a...
That corgi is packing. That corgi.
Oh, this is the first time she refers to Ollie as not having a classically handsome face. And I was like, yes, Jason Momoa does, you idiot.
And then he sniffs her up and can tell that she's fertile. So usually these books end with a pregnancy, but this one ends with a pre-pregnancy. And he likes that. He's ready to have a baby. And when you've made it, you want to have a baby right away. And she's into it. She's ready to do it.
Also, one thing I forgot.
He says the word pre-cum maybe 88 times. Oh my God, so true. He does mention his pre-cum a lot. He's constantly saying, I think I pre-cummed again. Pre-cummed? Oh. Knock, knock, who's there? Pre-cum. He's constantly saying pre-cum. He was very in tune with the moisture level around his penis, for sure. Yeah.
You would hear a lot about that. I felt like the book was very good at describing his internal senses, like his pre-cum, the way that his body felt. And then a lot of times hers was more about him and less about what was going on in her body. I wish I heard a bit of both. But yeah, is pre-cum a very big thing for people with denizens?
I feel like I've never been like, oh, I'm pre-cumming. I've never once felt it, noticed it.
So I don't think so. And it's all you're not. I'm just like making out with someone. I'm not like, here we go. Here we go. Here comes the pre. Of all the things that happen in this sexual lead-up and that anticipation, I personally don't think that I've heard that is a big sexual factor.
I agree. Even in my life. Yeah, I agree.
No guys ever used pre-cum as sort of like that. It's like a biological. Come on. I'm already pre-cumming. Come on. Let's finish the date. I'm pre-cumming.
Okay. Oh my God. Yeah.
Anything else about the sex scenes? Any other thoughts that people have?
One line. I'd make her need my dick like she needed to breathe. Oh, I didn't like that. That one bothered me. Yeah, that's a lot.
I'm suffocating.
Give me the dick.
I gave both of them. Oh my God.
She's joking. Give her someone give her a dick, anyone. She's joking. In a restaurant? Oh no. Oh, she's joking. Thank God. Okay, she's joking.
I know Heimlich. Stand out of the way. Heimlich.
It won't do.
Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, I pointed out all the crazy stuff, but I genuinely thought the sex scenes were very hot. They were hot. We finally got to them.
Did you goosh? Are you asking if I pre-cave? Oh, is Goosh pre-cum?
That's actually fun if that's it. Oh yeah.
Goosh is a female pre-cum. A female pre-cum. Is a female version of a pre-cum.
When you do the thing that... Yeah.
Is this a Scrubs reference? Is this a song Scrubs?
No, it's a diva is a female version of a hustler.
Oh, right. That's what it is. Thank you. Yeah. That man somewhere. Yeah. That Madeleine.
Scrubs. When I'm singing Scrubs, you'll know.
Yeah. I just thought that they were both really sexy and I liked how much they were into each other. Yeah. It really felt funny to me that it was such a story. It was such a story. Yeah. That's right because this is both of your first erotica? Yes.
I've read clips. And so when you read clips, you usually just get to the heart of it very quickly.
So the idea that this was almost like an episode of a TV show. You really got the whole... Yeah. At the end, it really felt like an episode of Full House at the end where they were all eating at the dinner table and she was like, and everyone was listening to me. And I really thought, wow, I have a family. I was like, oh, this is so nice.
Yeah. And then in the next episode, they like swap places or something for the day. Totally. You never know what kind of wacky situations. We follow Uncle Joey going to the bar. Yeah. Andy, yeah.
How was your first erotica? It was fun. I've never read it before. I'm also a virgin. So I read it with one eye like this. I only read certain parts of the page. Every time there was something dirty, I prayed. But it was fun. I would say I don't think I would ever read erotica again because I just watch porn.
Yeah. Sure. I think it's like just for time's sake.
He's got a lot to do. I got things to do. He's a very busy guy. I can't be pre-ing all night.
Right, right, right. So just, you know. Erotica was like a fun thing I discovered back in like college days, you know, when you don't have as much privacy to watch. Sure, sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. I've mentioned this before, but like reading it at work. We had a graphic novel once and that was a little harder to read. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fun reading it at work when it's just the book. Right, right. And it's like somebody walks by and they don't know that you're reading this thing. Right. But yeah, when it's like a gay big asshole. Yeah. It's like, oh, hey. It's for work. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Watching porn for me. Yeah.
I don't, how do you guys feel about reading versus watching porn? I actually enjoy it because the read feels like you're, like it's different. It's very different. I like the read because I think I can take it however I want it and it can become my own and I can become the person in the story more so than in porn. In porn, it's more like I'm watching other people. That's why I like reading.
Yeah. And also, like, you know, won't make a blanket statement about an industry, but there's a lot in porn that's like troubling sometimes. Totally. So when you're reading, it's like, I don't know the age. I don't know if everybody's safe right now. The conditions. So it takes me out of it a lot when I watch porn because I'm like, is everybody okay? Yeah. I know there's a bunch of different, you know, it's a huge thing to say. I usually prefer X2 because it's like, well, they posted it. Hopefully everyone was consenting. It's like a cute couple who just like gets off doing that. Yeah. And there's like feminist porn and there's all these different types of, you know, you can find what works for you. But yeah, the erotica feels like, okay, well, like you just kind of get into someone's fantasy and then you're just kind of dipping it out. Like it feels very light to me, which I enjoy. I like that too. Yeah. That's hard to find bear porn.
I've tried. Believe me. I've tried.
All right. Well, let's rate this bad boy.
One being a drought and five being slide off of your fuzzy bear claw chair. And anyone can start. I'd start with drought to mild goosh because I really didn't enjoy the 47%.
Every time I advanced on my reading device and it showed me the percent progress I'd made, I felt resentful of how far we had gone before the mounds were revealed. I needed those mounds, baby. And I felt like the book just, I needed the sex to start faster because I'm a straight up perv.
Damn. Wow. Yeah.
You know, I'm going to go with mild goosh to goosh because yes, it took a while, but once it got there, it paid off. If it had taken that long and then I got there and I was like all that for this, I would have been with you. But I think that they made it. They, they, I forgot about the wait once I got to it. I was like, okay, I'm not thinking about how long it took, took us to get here.
We're in the movie theater. We're in the car. We're in the bedroom.
Giddy up.
Yeah.
As soon as we got to that movie theater, I was like, I am so in. I love that they might do it in this movie theater. And then it traveled the whole day like that, like horniness that takes you from one location to the next and you get to the house and you're still horny.
And that whole sequence I really loved. I'm going to give this one a four, a gooshtastic. I took care of business when I read this book. I don't know if that's too personal, but I did. I thought it was a great one.
Gooshtastic. Andy? Uh, uh, uh, it was one to five. Uh, like a. Or it could be any number. I'd say it's like a, a two. Wow. A pre-boo.
Yeah. It was like too much buildup. And when it happens, it's like, can't we do like a flashback every once in a while? Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm a mate and I was fucking something to keep us, you know, uh, too linear. I needed, uh, I needed some flashbacks to the time. So that really would have done it. Yeah.
Flashbacks is the only way to get off. Give me one flashback.
You get a five. I'm just getting like salmon from a stream. I feel like bears would get off on violence. Don't you think? Oh God. Like they would get boners from like killing something.
Yeah. I don't find bear sexy. Yeah. That's true.
I don't. I don't think bears. I'm glad he didn't become a bear. That wouldn't, that wouldn't have done it for me.
They're not on the fence. They look doof. Like when they stand and walk, they look doofy. They don't walk like this. They're kind of like clumsy.
Like this. You're thinking of a circus bear. We're talking about in like Yosemite national park bear who knows his stuff. Yeah, Andy. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm sorry. That's what kind of hot bear you guys were talking about. He's got glasses.
They break every day. To me they're either cute or terrifying and nothing in the middle.
I could see that, but I think there, I saw this picture of a gorilla once that hot gorilla. Do you guys remember this going around? Yeah. It was a really odd gorilla. I forget his name, but I thought he was.
That is disgusting. Oh my god. I'm thinking about Gorilla. I forgot his name.
But there's a photo where he's like- There was a viral sensation where it was like this hot gorilla. It's not the guy. Okay. Because he looked at the photo. It was a photo. He looks really hot in the photo. Like his expression was like a model.
Like he could be in Ocean's Eleven. Yeah, he could be on Ocean's Eleven.
No way. You know, they're really expanding the cast every year.
Like you see the poster and then it's like George Clooney, Matt Damon, the hot gorilla. The hot gorilla. I wish I could remember his name. Paul, are you looking it up? Hot gorilla. Shivani? That's him. Wow.
He's always brooding. He's a very sexy girl. I don't find him attractive at all.
Oh yeah. I mean, I guess it's- Nah. No, it's- Can't wait to get a bod pic. I want the body.
Yeah, he looks a little overweight. He's like, please wash it off. He looks a gorilla.
I might be attracted. Yeah, I want the Ritz- I'm thinking of the Ritz-Tecorroo. That guy's- Yeah, the Ritz-Tecorroo is like- I don't think I'd find a Kangaroo attractive. But look at you with this gorilla. I guess I'm a Kangaroo Jack. Kangaroo Jack. Yeah, that wily, wily little dude.
Thank you all so much for listening. If you're still listening out there, if you have any sexy animal pictures, please share them. If you would like to share some fan art of some sexy- Yeah, I got a folder. I got a folder. You guys got a drop box? If you are reading along with us, our assignment for next week, we had a special request for some more step-family books.
So we have Cream for Stepfather. By- Scream and Cream. Scream and Cream. Scream for Stepfather by Celia Stiles. You can get that on Amazon. It costs like four bucks, so it is a bit, you know, it's a little pricier, but hopefully it'll be worth the four bucks. The best latte you've had all. Now that's some cream. Now that's some cream for Stepfather.
Thank you so much for listening. Have a sexy week, everybody. We love you.
Oh my God, man. That's cute. It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I buy land, I guess. God. |
dropout | super_bowl_ice_breakers | The pass is incomplete and it'll be third down. In the meantime, let's meet the Rams offense.
Goofy, Gay Matthews, Yukon. Oh hey, Yukon.
Do you know Lamar Butler? Big guy, really funny. Lamar Butler?
Yeah. What's his major? Sociology. Oh no, I wasn't communications. Oh yeah, he had a scar right by his left ear. I don't know, man.
It's a really big school.
Yeah. Okay, okay. Danson, Dave. That's a wrap. Rubbery, Reggie. Got it.
And Shivering. Okay, Shivering.
No, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. I don't know.
Stephen.
Keeshawn Ellis, Atlanta. I hate broccoli. I have a pet parakeet named Nim-kapoot.
And once, I got into a go-kart accident. Okay, I think the go-kart is the lie.
Why would he lie about that? That's what he wants you to think.
A pet parakeet named Ming-a-doop? I mean, give me a break. The parakeet is the lie.
Nope, I actually love broccoli. What? Come on, man. That's not how it works. Hey, you guys fell for it. Okay, okay. Talk Wendell Jones, Colorado State.
And never have I ever eaten an insect. A deep fried grasshopper. I was in Thailand with my parents.
That's crazy. Okay, never have I ever. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Goofy Gary Yukon, right? That's right. Okay, never have I ever formed a human pyramid.
Well, looks like you guys are on bottom. Come on, guys. Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. Where you going, man?
All right, all right, you all right? All right, great job, guys. Remember, the ice cream social is at 5 p.m. in the lounge. And now the Titans' defensive line will do a trust fall. All right. Good catch. Thanks, guys. That's what I call friendship. |
TheOnion | NASA_Simulator_Preps_Astronauts_For_Larry_King_Interview | Astronaut Travis O'Brien recently returned from an 18-month mission in outer space but his biggest task is still ahead of him because on Friday he will face his first Larry King interview. That's right. And for those of you who don't know, Larry King is one of the most mentally and physically demanding challenges astronauts ever have to face. I went down to Houston Space Center to find out firsthand exactly what it is these astronauts go through to prepare for the rigors of the Larry King live interview. You must have been crazy to try this, Jim, but let's take a look. Now that's Ted Watts. He's been heading up NASA's Larry King training program for about 10 years. Tell me, what is it that makes all this training necessary? Well, the Larry King interview is notorious for its unpredictability and duration. We put all our astronauts through months of training in the Larry King simulator to help them build up their tolerance to the lack of logic they'll face on Larry King Live.
We're going to be starting you on level one of the King Sim. Level one? He'll be making a lot more sense than he would in reality. Oh, okay. But it's still not going to be anything like talking to a normal human being. And here we go. Watts had warned me that during King bark out in staccato sentences, the show's lineup causes a severe spike in blood pressure.
And I certainly felt that. What do you make of Dancing with the Stars? You like that show? I've never seen it.
Which of the following would you define as torture? Watts explained to me that on Larry King, an astronaut has to be prepared for absolutely anything to go wrong. In the module, the astronauts practice responding to King's questions about everything from the history of NASA to their thoughts on Peach Cobbler.
Let's see, there's a lot of good restaurants in Philadelphia, isn't there? Oh, the Palm. No, Minneapolis. I said I'm from Minneapolis.
An astronaut can lose all sense of time and place. King biology is not adapted to the pressures you'll face on Larry King live. World War II, Frank Sinatra paid 90 cents on her belt.
How do you react to that? Oh, really? Just 90 cents on us? Are you nervous? Are you scared? Oh, yeah.
Well, to be honest, it did get a little bit easier once I realized that when he said we, he was just talking about himself. This isn't good. Jim just mentioned Marlon Brando. Larry King's going to spin into an out of control name dropping vortex. Jim, Stan, Mark Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Rosie O'Donnell, Miley Cyrus, Sean Penn, Sidney Peddie, Jim Sontag, Ruth Wow, Jim, I just don't know how you held on this long.
Most astronauts will tell you, until you actually feel the intense heat of his breath on your face, you really can't know what it's like. We'll be right back. Don't go away. Well, I've always had a lot of respect for America's astronauts, but seeing you go through this, I'm just simply awestruck. Well, Tracy, I don't mind telling you, this was the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Well, we're just glad you're back and back safe. Me too. Next, John Stamos will be joining us to talk about ER, which is celebrating its airing of its 200th Homeless Man Holds the Emergency Room Hostage episode this week. |
cracked | when_real_life_interferes_with_fantasy_football | You are so lucky. Another anonymous post on the message board blowing up a trade I was trying to make. Oh. Football stuff. Yay. Selling Walker buying Cruise.
Soren's team sucks. Contrary to what Soren the Sore would have you believe.
Are we reading the internet to each other? Your mouth is moving along with the post as I'm reading it. No it's not. Cruise is the best receiver in fantasy football and Soren is the sorest loser in fantasy football hence the nickname Soren the sore which I gave him in the title of this post. Cody what the hell. It's involuntary. I just do that with things I wrote. I wrote the post.
Okay so you're just pretending not to care about fantasy football. I still don't care about the football part. The fantasy part though. That's my jam. The fantasy is inseparable from the football. Fantasy football is for people who fantasize about controlling a football team.
Remember that Matrix role-playing game? In week one I had you log into my account and that nerd put a paintball gun to your head. That was a paintball gun? Yeah it could have caused some serious damage. Those things hurt.
Why did you just send me a picture of a gay pride float? That's the Ford Explorer of the guy who got second place in a group of 1,000 people who were vying to be the one. Want to guess who came in first? Do it.
What did you do to him? Oh that didn't do all that. I couldn't possibly have done all that.
That's the work of like 30 maybe 40 paintball guns. See I'm not great at shooting paintball guns or playing football or playing fantasy football but I found that people are willing to help you win if you give them the proper motivation.
No.
You're in first place because you lucked into it. You got Aaron Rodgers and one of the best running backs in the league by mistake. That's it. Belittling me is exactly what got you where you are now. Right before our week three matchup I realized I could beat you and if stupid no-nothing Cody could beat you well you just you just fall apart. No you barely won in week three. You won on a fluke play. Don't feel bad.
I've seen this happen a thousand times before. There's at least one person every season who in the middle of season gets a little bit of luck. In your case a statistically impossible amount of luck.
I don't blame you in fact I'm grateful you've reinvigorated me. I'm not just gonna beat you I'm going to embarrass you because the season starts over again in the play. I assume that you just looked at my roster for the first time. How are you projected to have over 200 fantasy points? Like I said I found the people are willing to help you win if you give them the proper. Like the verbal kent of fantasy football.
Nah more like the Kaiser Soze. Same guy. Look you invited me into this league under one condition all right we play to the bone or we don't play at all. That conversation literally never took place. Well maybe it's from white men can't jump. Clearly I have trouble differentiating between fiction and reality. To the bone. King Kong ain't got shit on me. Life finds a way. I've got a bad feeling about this.
Fight Club was good. Kung Fu Panda. Hey I'm Dan cracks resident party animal and I'm all about the three T's tits two beers with my friends and tight because I like to have a tight time with all my friends and beers and tits and subscribe and we can party together. That's a together a fourth T. |
TheOnion | Did_Media_Treat_Bachmann_Unfairly_Because_She_s_An_Insane_Woman | Michelle Bachman today implied that the media's coverage of her campaign is sexist. The candidate told a rally in New Hampshire that she believes that as a crazy woman, she's had to deal with scrutiny she would not face if she were a crazy man. Let's ask our first responders and see what they think. Joining us today, we have Duncan Burch, Laura Lee Hickok, and David Beardale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura. Is Bachman treated differently because she's a woman with a frighteningly apparent psychological instability?
Oh, I don't think there's any question. Really, Laura Lee? Really?
She said something that's objectively bizarre about how God told her to adopt two dozen children or how same-sex marriage is the number one threat to this country. The press jumps down her throat.
They absolutely do. They do.
Now, they would not be doing that to Mitt Romney if Mitt Romney were visibly deranged. I don't buy this for a second. Oh, come on. Now, if an insane male candidate said that Obama was responsible for swine flu, people would be, you know, they would be just as terrified by it as they would.
Excuse me.
Trump needs to start running a powerful, responsive V6 of a campaign and stops spending so much time worrying about the media. Exactly. You don't see this Acura TL worried about how it's being treated. I mean, this thing can take almost anything people can throw at it.
Well, if all this is true, how does Bachman go about throwing off the focus of being an insane female candidate? Oh, she's got to beat her crazy male opponents at their own game. If they're going to come out and supporting gun rights for the developmentally disabled, she should come out supporting gun rights for dogs.
Exactly. I'm a totally Acura Ed, Laura Lee, 100 percent Acura Ed. Thank you, David. Okay. You know, when Bachman started running around last week, though, in circles, rubbing yourself with mud and shrieking wildly, the media focused completely on what her hair looked like during the incident. Right.
But when Herman Cain did the same thing just a few months ago, people focused on his insane babbling. There's a clear double standard. No, that's because his insane babbles were close to critical points. As were hers.
Yes, David. I'm revving this powerful fuel-injected engine to show my support for Laura Lee's opinion. Thank you, first responders. |
dropout | iron_man_2_alternate_takes | Give me a smooch for good luck. I might not make it back Go get him boss. You complete me. I might not make it back Go get him boss.
What what why would you do that? I need that I I just kind of thought you'd jump out and get it. Oh you did. That's dangerous. I don't think you get it Okay, I need that to see when I fly land land the plane It's gonna be a massive massive search effort You know what the minute I did that it felt obnoxious I apologize Come on right behind you Masco Go get him boss you complete me go get him boss show me the money go get him boss you had me at hello Go get him boss. I'm finished. I'm 24 hours ago, man. I was hot now I'm a cautionary tale you see this jacket. I'm wearing you like it because I don't really need it because I'm cloaked in failure That's also from Jerry Maguire Go get him, but oh no. Oh god. That was supposed to be me. I might not make it back Yeah, don't look at him look at me Go get him boss Buddy stop me Go get him boss wait a minute if you're here with me then who's flying the plane I am everything's fine. Oh good |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Chaos_Continues_Australia_s_Big_Realisation_Some_Perfect_Timing_More_March_4 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin, there's a fucking lot going on in the world, there's Mardi Gras happening in Sydney, Queensland, see how these Queensland is equally as wet? And Stan Grant is stomping all over free speech.
Yeah, gone. On the ABC. Can't have a controversial opinion anymore apparently. No, unless it's the ABC's opinion, it's the wrong opinion. Have Sky and Stuff got hold of that yet or what? Probably, I don't know, I haven't watched Sky News for, you know, since the last time I was at a regional New South Wales McDonald's where they play it on repeat.
It's in my elevator on the way up, I don't know, so I see it all the time. Oh aren't you living well mate, geez, maybe we're paying you a bit too much. I'm Clancy Oberle, editor of the Batutah Advocate, I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor-at-large and Wendell Hussey, the bloke who apparently has a TV in the lift of his apartment. Well no, the lobby, the lobby. Okay, alright. Yeah, no, I just have a bunch of unclaimed mail because I live in a halfway house, so people move out of there when they, you know, leave jail or their wives leave them, so in my foyer and my lift, which is the stairs, there's just unclaimed mail and a bunch of really depressed middle-aged men. And some sweet, sweet courier mail.
Yeah, but it's been a pretty big seven days, hasn't it Clancy? Since we were last sitting in here, things looked remarkably different seven days ago to what they do now. Yeah, who knows, we might not be here in a week, we could be ant poo somewhere. Yeah, we could. So I think we'll start off with our first story, which kind of sums up the feeling and where we're at, and it's a headline that reads like this.
Report, fuck me, it never ends. Yes, this one was published on Sunday when it became apparent what the likes of Queensland South East Corner and New South Wales' northern rivers and greater mid-north coast were in for. After three years of relentless bushfires, pandemics, nuclear warnings, major global conflicts and blowout scores against the Broncos, the record-breaking rainfall confirmed that places like Brisbane and Lismore were fucking flooding again.
Yeah, awful scenes coming out of the regions, but unfortunately our Prime Minister was unavailable due to the fact that this major disaster was taking place on a weekend and he had plans to meet up with the walking heart attack chode, his English, his name's Piers Morgan, to talk about council culture. And cricket as well, and opposition leader Anthony Albanese was also unavailable as well unfortunately he had an unmissable cocktail party at Lisa Wilkinson and Peter Fitzsimons' house.
So this saga of drama and incommidant leadership continues. Are you team Stan Grant or team Peter Fitzsimons, because you know that they're secretly enemies? Yeah, yeah, team Stan Grant for sure. 100% no, but look, that party that Albo went to, that sounds like one hell of a key party, I'll tell you what. Lot of chortling.
Now there has been a major takeaway from this recent week of natural disasters. It's been confirmed that Australia is starting to think that burning fossil fuels at an accelerating rate for 200 years is actually a bad idea. Yes, believe it or not, with a vast majority of the New South Wales, the Northern Rivers and South East Queensland battling never-ending storms and floods, the reef is in the midst of yet another potentially irreversible bleaching event, and half the nation is still reeling from getting burnt to the ground by record-breaking bushfires 18 months ago, Australians are starting to question everything our government and the Murdoch newspapers have told us about climate change. Yes, it's now being considered a possibility that any politician who wants to take action on protecting the planet from man-made environmental damage might not be a secret communist who loathes the idea of Australians having a decent economy. It's turning out that this climate change thing might actually be ruining people's lives and is something that might be time to act on. Yeah, Chris Glassby was in the comments section of that one saying that it's not Australia's fault they hadn't clued on. He said that he wishes there was some kind of science that could have measured all this and forewarned us what was about to happen.
Now a positive story, and it's about Scotty from Marketing suddenly testing positive to COVID just as all the hard work begins. Yeah, with the Mud Army taking to the streets to begin a lengthy cleanup, Scotty from Marketing coincidentally tested positive for COVID-19. We haven't seen the official text messages from NSW Health but it's 100% legit apparently and it is nothing to do with the fact that he might have to roll up the sleeves and get a bit of work done. Yeah, or get a bit of mud on his clothes.
Now he has been isolating at home with a bit of wee bowling but it's left a real leadership void in Parliament this week Clancy hasn't it? It has, we broke a few exclusive stories on this one with Scotty out of action during a week where hundreds of thousands of Aussies were trying to pick up whatever pieces they could in the flood-ravaged regions. The government wasn't able to find a Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, the Deputy PM apparently tried to chop his finger off and successfully did so with a circular saw, Dutton tried to join the International Ukrainian Defence Battalion and Josh Frydenberg came down with a real bad case of tennis elbow, ruling them all out of acting PM duties and of course the 8 female ministers in Scott Morrison's cabinet all threw their hands up but Scotty's angels were turned down unfortunately because they lack experience according to the Morrison government power brokers. Well it's probably a good thing that he's playing wee bowling because when Kevin Rudd was seen wading through the flood waters in 2011 he got wee bum from all the germs.
Well you know what, he didn't get tinnier because he was wearing the ever reliable and this is not a sponsor, the ever reliable Dunlop K26. Well they don't make him anymore and Dunlop's owned by I think it's a Chinese Russian consortium now so you shouldn't be buying Dunlops. Yeah they'll be boycotted for sure.
Alright let's change pace for our final story and we've got a new study which has revealed the reason behind people leaving Sydney, it's been revealed that they are leaving in droves because it's a massive shithole. Yeah the recent exodus from the southern hemisphere's largest open air sewer had demographers trying to work out what the hell was going on. Initially the theory had been that the pangolins' revenge had caused the mass migration out of the harbour hell hole but Clancy that's no longer the case. No finally we have concrete evidence about why this new trend of decentralisation has emerged it's actually because Sydney is a fucking shithole. That's according to a report released by the Queensland government in this study and I quote, our survey found that a lot of people are fed up with living in Sydney because there's too many fucking people everywhere and it's a fucking expensive and it's chock full of fucking arseholes. I can almost hear those words coming out of Anna Sage of Palaszcz's mouth. We'll finish up with a comment that might make you ponder from Paul Haynes, he says Sydney is a business enterprise, you're not an owner in that business, your purpose is simply to pay for it, shithole is a kind description.
That's where we'll leave it for this week, bye bye. Alright, up yours Paul. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Pet_Sematary | There's a place rage deep in the woods beyond the Pet Sematary. It brings things back. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Pet Sematary, an adaptation of Stephen King's horror classic about a doctor who unwisely uses supernatural means to resurrect his child in a film that serves as a scathing indictment of the way physicians recklessly play God by resuscitating dead patients without even considering the very real financial and emotional burden a comatose loved one might place upon family members. Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, the patriarch of a family in Maine who uses the mysterious burial ground near his home to reanimate his dead daughter, only to discover she has returned as a horrifying, malevolent spirit.
Much as my elderly father's doctors created an abomination when they brought him back as a lifeless vegetable. Directors Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Whitmire weave a terrifying but deeply human story that will be instantly recognizable to those, like me, who have seen the hubris of trying to cheat death, whether that death is caused by a demonically possessed cat or a brain aneurysm during your 85-year-old dad's senior fitness class. Sure, it's easy for doctors like Louis Creed to play the hero with their defibrillators or magical graveyards or what have you. Who cares if they saddle a family with an exhausting and expensive burden that they'll be dealing with for God knows how long? Indeed, as the film's poster so wisely reminds us, sometimes dead is better. God, I wish my dad could just be at peace. All I want is for the hospital staff to just take him off the respirator and let him slip away into the night. It's a testament to Jason Clarke's performance that every time I looked at him I couldn't help but be reminded of my father's own attending physician, Dr. Sidney Blumenfeld. Indeed, I spent much of the film's runtime wishing that it was Dr. Sidney himself who was spending every waking moment terrorized by satanic forces for meddling in the natural course of life. Ultimately, Pet Sematary functions as a serviceable reboot.
Sorry, I should take this. Hello? Yes. He's up? That's great, that's great. No, absolutely.
Yeah, I'll be right over. I just have something to wrap up here and I'll be over.
Thank you. Well, dad, apparently you're going to pull through. So listen, if you ever watch this, forget what I said back there. Maybe I was a little bit premature with all that taking you off the respirator talk.
In fact, how about this? Maybe once you're out of the hospital you and I can sit down and watch Pet Sematary together. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | other_ways_to_say_netflix_and_chill | Girl problems? Hm? Trying to find the perfect line to get her to come over, right? What? Yeah, I know. I get what you're saying. You want to keep it casual, but you want to make sure that she knows what's going on. You want Netflix and chill. Right? What are you talking about? You know, like a little hulu and hang, right? Hm?
A little crackle and relaxal? I don't think anyone uses crackle.
It's not the point, Zach. I'm saying you want a little Amazon instant. I don't know. What do you want to do?
Hm?
Just tell me what you're trying to say. I am telling you.
You've heard of this. You know what's up. All right.
I think I could just watch, like, Monty Python. What about what I'm saying is making you think of Monty Python?
I'm saying you want a little YouTube and Tube boob, am I right? Huh? I have no idea what you're saying. Look at me, Zach. Listen to me, okay?
You want an HBO Go job. The old HBO natty-a-doo.
A little crunchyroll and munchy-volve, am I right? Huh? What is a crunchyroll?
You want Xbox and HerBox. You want Vimeo staff pics and fuck. You want a streaming video service of your choice and sexual gratification. You want to watch 11 minutes of The Good Wife while you're raw dogging on a couch you bought off Craig's List and the goddamn computers counting you down to the next episode.
Four, three, two, one, Zach!
Netflix and chill! Netflix and chill.
Oh, no. Dude, I don't play weird games like that. I respect this girl. I'm going to go a classier route.
Shame on you.
Whoa. Let me down. |
SaturdayNightLive | joe_franklin_show_1_saturday_night_live | Well, a good good evening my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin coming to you for a very good friends. Our sponsors Hoffman Beverages Matzas by Strights for the unleavened experience of a lifetime. Martin Paints, Martin Paints and Ain't Just Paints and joining us today proudly a new sponsor called By By Hair. It is the only depilatory sitting with us my friends, three super-duper people, Mr. Doug Henning.
He's a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him now you don't my friends, and one of our top actors even alphabetically Mr. Alan Arkin and welcoming Today a debut of sorts if you will. a new rising star, Miss Daphne Clayton Daphne is now appearing my friends in a new original review called Wake Me When I'm Nude So I'm excited. Alan Alan Arkin Tell us how you feel about sitting on this panel of superstars. Feels good, Joe Doug Doug Henning in your magic show. Would you have a place for a young, sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton? Well, there's always room for beauty in the world of magic. Joe The magic is the spirit of illusion and illusion can be magical like this.
What are you doing? I can't believe it. that's terrific. Read the card. There isn't one. There's always a card in the world of magic, what are you doing? I didn't Did you see it come not from anywhere? That is something. I. I didn't see a thing Alan. what did you think about that? that's unbelievable. it's amazing.
Daphne Clayton the the show is called Wake Me When I'm Nude uh-huh, and it is being done at the American Legion Post 118, which is located at exit 6. it's right across from Mr. Donut. Ah, Wake Me When I'm Nude.
This sounds like a family show. Oh, yes, it's a show that the whole family could enjoy. Joe. Oh good, Alan Arkin. have you ever seen the show? No, no please come. It's Free!
And and they have apple juice and donuts during an admission. huh? Oh, that sounds wonderful, But when you speak of refreshments, do you have an assortment of cheeses? Isn't that magic? And what would be truly magical as if this cheese was served on the matzas by Strikes my friend. Wash it down with the Hoffman beverages on a hairless body, by by by air in a room by Martin Paints, Martin Paints and anxious paints. My friends, Alan This is exciting. Any advice to this up-and-coming superduper star?
No, not really Joe. No.
But we do have a treat. my friends and Miss Daphne Clayton is going to sing one of the tunes from the show Daphne. Do you want to explain this song before we hear it? Oh, yes, It's a scene where I'm mad at my husband Larry and his best friend Barry thinks that I'm mad at him too.
And so he leaves. And that is the first time I'm left alone that day. So let's sit back my friends, and listen to this musical treat from Daphne Clayton from Wake Me When I'm Nude Coming Up right Now and stay out. Pick up his socks, drop off the kids shampoo, the rug, and the dog. Hey, don't I get a break?
Larry I that is exciting is very exciting Daphne. I tell you my friends. I love new talent. we discover new talent here. Daphne, you are a future duper star. Let me ask you this. What do you think about Ben Turpin? do you have any stories? are there any anecdotes? I don't know who that is, but Alan Arkin. My friends, Alan, You are the actors actor. he writes, he directs, he does stage. He does films.
Alan, The Super Bowl Game. Any predictions? What are you talking about? The game? Miami, San Francisco. Who's gonna win? I don't know.
Doug Henning. As we wrap up this gold medal winning show, my friends, and it is. You feel it. I feel it. we all feel it. Doug.
Any New Year's resolutions for 1985, I resolve that each day will be filled with magical possibilities. And these possibilities because they are magic will be only illusions. What are you talking about?
I'm putting this show in my time capsule my friends. One of the all-time favorite shows. Daphne Clayton Darling, please come back the show.
Wake me when I'm new. Thank you, Joe and please come. it's free. Well, we'll drive down. I hope Doug a great star. More car commercials, Broadway show and then you were going to Octo Toronto to try my hand in a little dramatic fare in a play entitled Mass Appeal with the wondrously talented Jim Backers and of course Alan Arkin, no, Well, that is it for today. my friends. we will see you soon. And for now, Joe Franklin, Simply saying: let's all wave goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_creep_snl_digital_short | Haha, you. Hi, I'm John Waters, and this is the Creep. I was six years old when I started creeping. my parents took it to their room and I started peeping. you can't imagine their surprise when they lifted their heads. it's all my little ass creeping at the foot of the bed. Didn't know I was a creep since the day I was five. Get poppin'' now My momma likes to get a coat. get a doctor, kill my head, and he started freakin'' cause I can't believe. And I can't believe it. when I was a girl, I'd creep in the boy's lot going high deep inside. It was my little creep stop. as they disrolled, I was oogling and oggling. I didn't think they'd know that for me, I was four. and they would dance.
So back up your peepers and just freak out your sneakers. don't sleep, come on. get your creep on with me. when you come, get your sweet enough to pry that I went. do the creep. And do the creep. But when you sneak into a rink and you see a big cake, do the creep. Come do the creep. when the judges are hiding and you can't control your body, do the creep. And do the creep. So get your knees flexin' and your arms t-rexin' and creep. do the creep. forget the smile. |
TheOnion | Children_Exposed_To_Porn_May_Expect_Sex_To_Be_Enjoyable | I'm Juliana Makanis, filling in for Clifford Banes, who wants you to know that he's super sorry but he just couldn't make it in today due to a bunch of stuff that he'll tell you about later.
A new study has found children who watch pornography are more likely to believe sex is exciting and enjoyable. Is pornography warping our youth's view of sex? Oh yes, absolutely. Kids that watch porn are being taught that sex is fun.
That's depressing to me. We expect pornographers to teach children about the reality of sex and to teach them that it's anything less than a humiliating and frightening experience is wrong. It is. Sex leaves you numb and shivering for days.
And these are the kind of things that our kids really need to know about. Pornographers should be required to depict sex honestly. They should always show the actresses being lied to. Oh right, that would be very educational.
What they should have is a man telling the woman that he likes her very much and that he'll see her at her best friend's birthday party two days later.
Liar.
A Shuttleworth Institute report found that 98% of porn movies actually show the actors having physically gratifying orgasms.
I have never experienced that in my entire life. Of course not.
It's going to make kids think they're doing something wrong when they find themselves in a 30 minute struggle to arouse their frigid partner and then they fall asleep with their hand in her vagina. But it's not just pornography that sends our kids the wrong messages about sex. Child psychologists say that video games like Grand Theft Auto make the process of picking up prostitutes seem easy. They're right. It doesn't teach kids that it's a nerve-wracking necessity.
Well and in that video game you can just bludgeon a prostitute with your gun. This is sending the message to kids that it is simple to kill a hooker and get rid of her body.
It's not. It's very, very timely. Of course it is.
You know and the game also doesn't teach kids about the emotional side of murdering whores. That's right and it easily could. The game should have a mission where you have to avoid eye contact with your wife while you're having breakfast because you're just so wrapped with shame. I think that would be really helpful but the biggest misconception that kids are getting about sex is that it has anything at all to do with love.
There is no love in the world. There's only pain. Right. |
dropout | animated_sex_questions_featuring_the_cast_of_the_to_do_list | Can it be a threesome? Yes. Penelope Cruz and Jeff Goldblum in like a cave at the bottom of the ocean. But Jeff Goldblum would be like a half-merman. And Penelope Cruz, she'd be like kind of hungry, and like kind of bitchy, like low blood sugary. And Jeff Goldblum, he'd be like kind of noticing things on the cave wall a lot and pointing things out and like wrap a bunch of seaweed around all of our bodies. Just roll around and touch each other. And like other fish would like stop by and watch.
Jeff Goldblum would take my face, kiss me real long, and then say, you've always been the one, Plaza. You've always been the one.
And then he would disappear. And just like little rainbow dust would like scatter on a cave floor. I would take out my iPad, and I probably got an email from Steven Spielberg. Who said, Jeff Goldblum and you, I always thought you guys would work together. And I would write him back right away, and I'd go, how'd you know we just had sex? And then I look up, and I can see Steven Spielberg in the sky, shaking his head and laughing, just chuckling to himself.
The end. I would have to say Harvey Keitel, when he was younger, we each get a golden ticket from Willy Wonka. And so we get to enjoy this whole thing together. We're both kind of like, this is crazy. We're a little too old to be here. He keeps looking at me like, I like you. And then at the end, we both win, and we go into the elevator, the glass elevator. Willy Wonka's like, you guys have fun, I'll see you later, we'll have dinner. And then we have sex in the elevator for seven and a half hours at least. And then we kind of like part ways, but then for the rest of our lives, on the different sets of his career, like Pulp Fiction and piano, we just run into each other every now and then and have a quick one-er in the dressing room, but we never really tell anybody. So in the fantasy, I stayed 22 for the rest of my life, and he just ages naturally.
I'm a big Batman fan, so I would try to run into George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell, and I would try to fuck them for the whole four months that they were supposed to film the Batman and Robin movies and just completely not have that movie. I would try to take them to the future and have sex with them on the set of Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Rises to show them how real Batman movies should be made. I might actually leave them in the future, cut back to the 90s, and I would film every George Clooney movie, period, after that. |
ClickHole | watch_man_sees_his_family_for_first_time_after_27_years_holding_his_hand_over_his_eyes | Okay, Dan. Now, I'm almost ready to bring your hand down from your eyes and you'll be able to see. Ready as I'll ever be. It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be okay. You're doing great, Dan. Here we go.
Oh my God. I've lived for nearly 30 years with my hand over my eyes. And for most of that time, I thought, I'll never see again. Dan had his hand over his eyes the day I met him. And what I love about Dan is that he is always so strong and happy and confident, despite the fact that he can't see or use his left hand in any capacity. But now, with Dr. Schaffer's help, I might finally be able to see. I might finally be able to see my wife and daughter. Sorry.
At Seeing Past Hands Foundation, our goal is to give the gift of sight back to those people like Daniel. Just 15 years ago, the only way to restore sight was to amputate the hand. But modern medicine is changing that. Today, Seeing Past Hands funds over 1,500 procedures every year to help people remove hands from their eyes.
Today, we're going to do that for Daniel. Here we go. Now you want to be very careful because your eyes will be sensitive to the light. Wow! Can you see? Yes! Come here, Ellie! I want to see your clothes. Say hi. Hi, sweetie.
You are more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Congratulations. Thank you. |
cracked | kevin_from_the_office_found_himself_in_the_middle_of_the_kendrick_lamar_drake_beef | When Baumgartner agreed to appear in the music video for the single First Person Shooter by Drake featuring J. Cole, he had no way of knowing that he had unintentionally picked a side in a pop culture war between Drake and Kendrick Lamar that still rages to this day. But in a recent interview with Salon, Baumgartner apologized for his contributions to the conflict and offered to arrange a peace summit. Following the release of First Person Shooter late last year, a line in which J. Cole called himself, Drake, and Kendrick the Big 3, rubbed Kendrick the wrong way, and the comp and bass rapper began putting out diss tracks about both Drake and J. Cole, eventually narrowing his sights on the former. The Office star said of the feud, I'll fix it. I apologize to everybody for that. And saying of the offense caused by his acting gig, it was not known to me. It's okay, Kevin. No one blames ya. I need Kendrick to give me a call, but we'll do a sit down, I'll take care of everything. |
cracked | 4_ways_weathermen_are_useless_an_inside_look | Hi, I'm Alex. Hello from sunny Los Angeles, a place too cool to have weather or water. Anyway, I'm not a stinking Californian, I'm from Chicago.
So I remember transitory experiences like snow and tsunamis and feelings, and my daily information about most of those things once came from weathermen. Obviously it's now the 21st century and presenting weather on TV has become an antique party trick, like glassblowing or pronouncing Welsh town names. Just up the road from Clambuire to Puschwing is to go get a Quindrobois, and to Scileo go go go, the temperature got to 21 Celsius.
That has four L's in it. In a row. Anyway, I have a surprise for you.
Weathermen have always been obsolete. Unlike mailmen and milkmen of yore, who had to actually deliver mail and milk in between casual housewife sex, TV weatherman has been a borderline made up profession from the beginning. America's first nationally televised weatherman was Clint Ewell. Starting in 1949, he reported the weather by drawing on a store-bought Rand McNally map with markers.
Because the past isn't just a foreign country, it's a wacky foreign country. The country of Gigglestan, let's say.
Now Mr. Ewell got the job because he had two qualifications. He was fun on camera, and he'd taken a three-month meteorology course. And today we've raised that bar because today's weathermen need one qualification, sorry qualification, because you only need one, the bar is in the toilet. Most weathermen you see today won their job through auditions, which are done by audition tape. All you need to make one of those tapes is access to a local news station's green screen setup, which means most TV weatherman applicants are local TV station interns. TV stations watch these tapes, decide who looks the least weird pointing at invisible Ohio, and hire them. And don't get me wrong, they might hire a pointer person with a broadcast meteorology background. But even if they do, that person's full-time job is to tell you what your phone says. Literally, weathermen tell you information you could bing for yourself.
Also, yes, I said bing. Us teens use bing, we teen on it on flea. I have a side sponsorship.
Today, all of America gets its large-scale weather data from two satellites. Those data, plus local radar and looking out a window, becomes the National Weather Service's publicly available data, which weathermen and phone apps both dress up as forecasts. And NBC News' chief meteorologist says weathermen's forecasts are, quote, "...only as good as the information we get." Which makes weathermen like bottled water, the same service packaged in slightly different ways nationwide. And the packaging on weathermen isn't even that different.
I don't just mean their perfect teeth and life-like robot hair. They are all wearing the same clothing. Because the men wear suits. Every suit is basically the same, unless it's white or riddler.
And women reporting the weather don't just all wear dresses. They wear exactly the same dress on hundreds of local news broadcasts in one of the few non-green colors Amazon sells it in. Last year, one weatherwoman posted that product to a Facebook group for weather people, and dozens of those ladies were like, ah, hell yeah, that's a new work dress for 23 bucks that won't give Kevin's wandering eyes a flesh present. You'd do the same thing, and that's the point. TV weathermen are regular people. The only difference is, they're kind of geniuses. They've turned pretending that they're much closer to hurricanes and tornadoes, and partly cloudies than we are, into a job. Even though regardless of the meteorology training they may or may not have, the device you're watching this on has as much daily weather information as they do.
And if you don't believe me, Google it. Bing it? I mean, bing it, Snapchat, millennials, fine snakes.
OK, I just lost my side income, which would be fine, except I bought some stuff. So let's make an audition tape. Yeah, OK, hey, great. Abe, if you just throw up a regional map in the background there, is that OK? Great. And then if you can just Google the official 2016 California Weatherman audition requirements for me, I will just rip through this real quick. Callie style? OK, here we go. And we, uh, oh my god, seriously? Hey, guys, thank you so much for watching. Please do all the YouTube things.
Let us know in the comments your favorite fan theory about the history about weather. Which movie should, no, uh, what's your thoughts on The Sun?
No, uh, the usual ones aren't working. Take the elevator. This was a disaster. |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Season_3_Trailer | Before we get started, how well do you think you all know each other? How well do you think you all know each other?
Unfortunately, pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No! Oh, no. Oh, no. Who threw up at Paris Hilton's house? You're sounding more and more suspicious. Who slept with their teacher? I'm sex positive. I'm sorry that you're such a prude.
Who is part of the multi-million dollar scam? This is flimflam. This is a smokescreen from The Jumps. I think it's Michael because he's a slut and he ruined my marriage. Who has an active warrant out for their arrest? I'm leaving.
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.
Who got so high they thought they were Garfield? It's pretty obvious. There's one pervert among us. Will the person who had their photo in a tabloid please take a sip of their drink? Three, two, one.
No!
That's not what I have on my card. Today's cocktail is a sidecar. We're drinking passion fruit margaritas, a root beer float, Queen's punch, basil and matcha fizz. Grant likes to smoke. That's not a real drink. Someone invented it. Someone handsome.
It gets very bad. CIA is going to find me. Get the heck out of here. I'm going to hell. You can't invade my questions forever. This tastes like hot slime in my mouth.
We've probably all been inside each other at least once. Definitely. My, my, my, how the tables have turned. Absolutely. I need to re-evaluate my life. I don't know. That's a wild thing to have happened.
Don't do that. I know what you're thinking. This is the worst set I've ever met off. You heard it here first, kids. Cocaine gives you super power. Are you fucking kidding me? The game has not even started. Good gravy. That is disgusting. |
dropout | Every_Troopers_Animated_Ever_Full_Series | Oh, God. What's up? Oh, it's just you remember Devon from high school? Devon 11 with the extra finger?
Yeah, it turns out he's a concert pianist now.
God, social media is the worst. Quick, fake a picture of me looking cool in battle.
Mm-hmm. Compare and despair, man. Huh? Compare and despair.
You can't compare yourself to other people. Yeah, I guess not. Here, you think I compare myself to any of those randos? Larry, these aren't randos.
These are you. This is parallelogram. It tracks all the yous in parallel universes. Yeah, but like, who cares? I don't even know these people. You are these people. It's like, what do they even have to do with me? You're the same person.
Everyone's on their own path, right? So you're technically on the same path, and then you branch off to different paths based on better or worse decision-making? This is basically a magazine of how much better you could be.
Look, here's you with abs. Come on, he's just sucking in his gut and sucking out his pecs, biceps, calves. Dang, that's a hot Larry. Still, who wants to spend all their time at the gym?
What about a family? You don't have a family.
Yeah, but this Larry does. Oh snap, this Larry's hot too. Anyway, who needs to be shredded or love anyone? I'm focused on my career. You mean like this Larry?
That's not me, that's Dreadlord. No, that's you having been promoted to Dreadlord. I can't believe I'm Dreadlord.
I want to thank my wife, my kids, my personal trainer. Okay, but who's to say if any of these Larrys are happy?
The app does. This one scores a 93. What do I score? A surprising 81.
See, that's because I don't compare and despair. You know what Larry, I could learn a thing or two from you. The least successful Larry in the multiverse, and you're still an 81. 54.22? I can't be the worst Larry, Rich. I can't be the worst Larry.
Quick, take a picture of me looking cool in battle. What are you doing in my clothes? Just cosplay?
This took so long to set up. Two credits. Already posted, so I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay though, I'll pay though. I can't be the worst Larry!
Dreadlord Sinister, here is your pizza, sir. Fresh from Stromboli's. Fresh? This is cold as ice. From an ice planet. Sir, we've been over this. Stromboli's is on the other side of the Dread Cruiser.
It takes weeks to get there and back. Tell you why don't you get me another pizza?
Using my new teleportation device. It's in beta, but don't worry, it's been tested on mice.
And how did they do? Who? The mice. Define do. Did they?
Anyway, you'll be there and back quicker than a mouse with 100 legs. Why would you say that specifically? It's a figure of speech.
Look, even I said don't put them in there all at once, but you know, bad scientists. The same scientists who made the device? No, no, no, no. After a punishing trip through the teleportation device, they could never be called the same.
Anyway, let me get a large cheese and a diet frizz. What? What is this? A human hand? Explain yourself. Well, sir. Ah, good God, man. What's wrong with you?
Okay, new plan. We send you through the teleportation device again and again and again until you're back to normal. But sir, won't that just mix me up even more? No, no, no. Mix anything up enough and it falls right back into place. Take this Rubik's cube. I got mad and shot it. Do you want to be next? Before you go, remember these words. Yes, sir.
Pasta puttanesca. Meatball sub. Cannoli. Maybe you should be writing this down.
Nope. Nuh-uh. Yikes. Wow. Bad.
Pretty okay, but now I want regular frizz. Now your regular frizz.
There. What did I tell you? Even a broken clock is right if I say so. Thank you, sir. Now, if you don't mind, I'll take my leave. Get the cannoli? I hate it when they do that. So, what's the verdict I'm calling you, cannoli? You may not call me that. But it's factual. No! Valued employees, you and you also.
It's time for your annual performance review. Dreadlord, sir, I think I speak for us both when I say last year was very productive. Oh, this isn't a review of last year. It's a review of next year.
Say hello to the feedback forward time machine and future projector. It also scans. Whoa, that thing sees into the future? To judge our future performance? It does.
And you're demoted. What? We didn't do, we're not going to do anything.
According to projections, you will blast a hole in the spaceship. Gimme! No, you, gimme! Oh no, it was predicted. Like I said, demoted. Ah, but now that we know that, we will take the machine, use it to go to the future ourselves, and stop ourselves from blasting a hole in the spaceship. My idea too, so smart us. Gimme! No, you, gimme! Gimme! No, you, gimme! Oh no, it was predicted. Again, demoted. Ah, wait, but now that we know that, we will go to the future to stop ourselves from taking the time machine? Gimme! No, you, gimme!
Everybody calm down! You see where this is going. Okay, I've got it. Shared gun city. I get Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and every other Sunday.
Agreed? Agreed.
See, no more fighting over the gun. Isn't it your day with the gun? Huh, I thought it was your day with the gun. Oh, Dreadlight savings. Just a pitch, what if I go into the future and shoot that lizard monster?
Dang, missed him. Well, what if... Oh crud, I missed him again. Hear me out. Got him! There you go, fourth Larry! Wait, did you guys already miss? Whoo. See, you kept going, missing, coming back, and going again.
You should have gone earlier, erasing the later times. Now that I know that, why don't I do that? Because you don't understand what I'm saying.
Touche. Okay, I've got it. We forfeit the gun to you, Dreadlord, here and now. Oops, I mean, this is all your fault. Okay, I've got it. We take the gun back from you, here and now. Give me! No, you give me. Oops, I mean, this is all your fault.
It's almost as if the hole in the spaceship is somehow meant to be. It is I, rich from the distant future. The hole in the spaceship is more important than you could possibly imagine. It sets off a series of events that saves humanity.
What? The guy was like 80. You've got plenty of time. Rich, I did it! I stole Dreadlord's tablet! What? How in the galaxy did you do that? Like a master thief. I took it from the bathroom where he left it on accident.
Check it out. It's got everyone's grades. Grades? Yeah, look.
Finley, three strength. Robin, four charisma.
Whoa, it's us. What? This can't be right. A one intelligence? I'm a genius? Uh, Larry, one is bad.
Oh, so you want the high number. Hey, with a little hard work and determination, maybe you could become a two. That's not nice, Rich. Which makes sense, coming from a two charisma. A two charisma?
There is no way. Why would you even be friends with me? Because I'm not smart.
So you think these stats are accurate? Ha, not a chance. Could a two strength do this many gun lifts? One a thousand, two a thousand, two and a half, but you know, round up a little bit, a thousand. Only you were as strong as you are loyal. Three, four, five. See you never loser.
I'm gonna take over a spaceship. Wait, Larry. I think this tablet is more powerful than we thought. Huh? Oh, I get it now. Man, this gun's heavy. Don't you see what this means?
We can be as smart or strong or charismatic as we want. Only at the expense of something else. Wait, am I smarter than you now? Can't have that. My mistake. So obvious, in retrospect. Whoa, Rich, are you okay? No, you moron. Give me back my strength. Oh, you want to be strong, do you? Well, too bad, because now all you are is...
Nice to me. Larry, Larry, Larry, it's your best friend, Rich. Hey, Rich. Man, I love you, man. Isn't it neat we're in space? Hey, Rich, got your nose.
Oh, man, right from under my helmet. First Treadlord's tablet, and now this? God, you're some kind of steel king, master thief.
Yeah. You know something? You should take over the spaceship. You think? Sure, why, with your wits, your good looks, and my nose...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No intelligence, no loyalty.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Wow, yeah, maybe some things are better not messed with. What do you think awareness is?
Huh, what's the harm in a bar? Yeah, right, it's the harm in a bar.
So we're pawns. I guess I knew that on some level. Keep us on low intelligence and high on loyalty for a reason. That makes sense. We're the bad guys? We're animated characters in a series that's been rebooted already? That's enough for today. Rich, we need to talk. I just feel like we're drifting apart. We are?
Oh, not you and me. Me and the other beings I'm becoming as part of my species reproductive process. Oh, do they need to be here for this? Yes, this involves both of us. Both of who? You and me, the three... Make that four other beings in front of you. Huh, nice to meet you. It's still me, Rich. All me's are me, remember?
Sorry, sorry. The many beings, one mind thing. It's just a little hard for me to wrap my little human head around. Rich, you knew what you were getting into when we started dating. I said, I have a nut allergy, I don't do aisle seats, and at the exact age of 37 I'll split into any number of bodies with the same consciousness. Yeah, it's just... It's a lot to take in. I understand.
Look, I think we should see other people. We should? No, we should.
Three out of the four of us. Oops, sorry, five out of the six of us. I see. I'm so grateful for our time together. So am I. No, our time together. Me and the other me's time together. But I'm six. Eight beings now, Rich.
And I want to see more of what the universe has to offer. But one of you would still be my fiance? Of course! So one of you wouldn't see more of what the universe has to offer? Well, we would, because we're one mind. I don't know. What if you meet someone amazing and want to spend all of your time with them? Well, we would, because again, we're one mind. Or get married to them. We would. One mind.
Or have a family. Rich, that's not gonna happen. You say that, but how do you really know that? Because our species doesn't reproduce that way.
We reproduce by becoming any number of omniconscious bodies at the exact age of 37. Exactly the age of 37, I remember, right?
I think I'm just worried I'll get jealous. Well, are you jealous now? Why would I be jealous now? Because I'm already the mind of my entire species. Oh, so you're already with lots of other partners.
Huh. I guess I never thought about it like that. Just out of curiosity, like how, how many? Excuse me. I'm sorry. I mean, it's not as if I've counted.
Like millions? Billions? Trillions?
Rich, I'm not playing this game with you. Or any of them, I don't know, taller than me? Rich, there are some like conscious planets. Smarter than me? Some AIs.
Funnier than me? Some whoopee coshonians. Mmm, that's not a th- that's a joke. Have you ever been with anyone as funny as me?
Hey, I love you.
The Lana. The Lana-i. The plural. The Lana-i.
I love all of you, too. And I truly want what's best for you. And that's what makes you one of the best partners in the galaxy.
Better than the AIs? Mmm, they sort of mastered everything. Yeah, that makes sense.
So would the original Dalana stay with me, or? Well, there is no original. Oh. So who would stay with me? Doesn't matter, really.
So I pick? No, you don't pick. No, I- I mean, I didn't think so. So you pick? Sure. Sure, I can pick.
Not it, not it, not it, not it, not it, not it, not it. Crap. Hey! I'm kidding!
Commander. General Crimson. What is the report from the front lines? Our elite troopers were successful. As expected. But sustained heavy damage. Such is the price of war. Send them to the infirmary at once. Secure in the knowledge they have earned my gratitude. At once, Commander. Um, sir- General! I trust our heroes have recovered. That's just it, sir.
It would seem that the door to the infirmary is, in fact, to outer space. So the troopers are not alive anymore. They're dead because of the whole space thing.
What? How could this have happened? I demand that you investigate. Very well. You wouldn't have wanted them dead, would you, sir? What are you implying? It's just that perhaps it's more expedient for you to kill them than to heal them. General, I am aghast. But if you feel I must be investigated as well, then take this matter to the impartial investigation committee. At once, Commander. Well, that about does it.
71 mismarked doors. All of them now leading directly into outer space. Excellent work, Dominic. Now even these very walls cannot contain my evil.
So, about my paycheck- Oh, uh, yeah, of course. You can pick it up at accounts payable. Mr. Sinister, sir, I don't want to sound suspicious, but accounts payable is one of the very doors I made into outer space.
Dominic, you clever fox. You got me. There you are.
These are gift shop credits. Do spend them all in one place. That about does it. The gift shop is now a room that turns people inside out.
Excellent work, Dominic. Sebastian. Who's Dominic?
You're working with my brother. Not anymore. That's an ominous response, but no matter how's about my paycheck. You can pick it up at accounts payable. No issue with that? Mr. Dreadlord, sir? Yes?
I reckon this isn't my place to say, but there are some vicious rumors floating around that you're shooting troopers into outer space and turning them inside out. And I think I speak for all of us when I say this is bad for morale. I see. Why don't you go find some morale with this 30 credit coupon to the dread spa? I'm not really the spa type. I insist. I ain't finishing no spa until you tell me what happened to my brothers. |
cracked | elon_s_blue_check_madness_explained | Last week, everyone's favorite egotistical billionaire took away verified check marks for anyone who didn't opt in to Twitter Blue. Yeah, no one wants to pay eight bucks a month for that, dude. But then he mysteriously gave them back to certain celebrities and public figures. I can't believe he went U2 mode. He gave a bunch of people something they didn't pay for or ask for.
Yeah, I remember when they put their album on all of our iPods without our consent. I'm old enough to own an iPod.
He got Serene McKellen, Lil Nas X, he even got drill. He got drill! Certain accounts of the dead seem to be getting their blue check mark back. And it's becoming like a scarlet letter. No one wants the badge. Also his whole objective was to make people pay for it. And now he's backing down. After all that.
My dude, Elon, don't you have something better to do? Like solve world hunger or go to space and you rock it again? Just spitballing. And before you come for me, don't make me break out the meme. |
TheOnion | Congresswoman_Says_Botched_Plastic_Surgery_Most_Important_Issue_Facing_U_S_ | I rise today in support of the Hold Doctors Accountable Act, which would crack down on unlicensed plastic surgeons in America. These medical charlatans prey upon hardworking Americans, millions of regular, everyday folk who just need a tweet here or there to finally look beautiful. HR 7652 provides special funding for law enforcement agencies to track down these surgeons who often go by aliases to avoid detection, like Dr. Teddy Rolex, who until recently practiced his brand of medicine in a run-down strip mall in Rockville, Maryland. We may never know how many Americans he tricked with his smooth talk and his diploma from the Bermuda College of Excellent Medicine. We can no longer ignore the epidemic of botched plastic surgery in this country. Future generations are counting on us, because when the bandages come off and they're so disfigured that their own grandchildren don't recognize them, and the Capitol Hill Security Guard, who's known them for 20 years, asks for their ID, that's when they'll realize their lives will never be the same. Who else can these people turn to when they go to their doctor's office to confront him and find it abandoned and realize they have no recourse and collapse on the floor to cry, but can't, because that clumsy butcher, Dr. Rolex, cauterized their tear ducts. That's why passing HR 7652 is so vital to our national health and self-esteem. I yield the remainder of my time, as it is very hot under these lights, and my sweat glands no longer work. |
cracked | 4_things_you_see_on_the_internet_every_april_fools_day | Well, it's the day before April Fool's Day. April Fool's! It's April Fool's Day! We got you good! Ugh! Anyway, that's our April Fool's prank, though. It's not really a prank, as much as it is a lie, which is pretty much what you'll see all day everywhere on the internet today.
Whether it's a legitimate news source saying that Apple is trademarking the rectangle, or YouTube is allowing you to buy all YouTube videos ever in a DVD collection that would likely stack to the moon and back just from the cats alone. Also, my favorite Bowie album.
Again, not really pranks, just lies. The internet already lies all year. We don't really need a day for it. Thanks to the internet, April Fool's Day doesn't really fool anyone anymore. These pranks just sort of end up wasting people's time, and not in the fun internet way. In fact, it would be great if all businesses could just not participate in April Fool's Day on the internet anymore.
Like, putting your website upside down and stuff. It's like if Trader Joe's put every single food item on the very top shelf and only accepted nickels all day. It's not really funny, and it just makes everything harder, and not in the fun internet way. This excludes Google, though. Google?
You keep it up. Apparently you think a prank is just making a new site feature that I wish existed all year. So, prank every day all year. And Facebook, you can prank too, but only if the prank is to change the site's layout every 40 minutes all day. It would be awesome. Do it.
And that's all I got. April Fool's, there's one more thing. April Fool's, there's not one more thing.
Thanks for watching. For crack.com, I'm Darryl saying, April Fool's, I'm Cody. Alright, 122,343 subscribers. We did it, you guys, and we couldn't have done it without you. Thank you so much. We are absolutely killing it. Jack's going to fire me if I don't dance, so I'm just going to... Cool. |
cracked | why_the_new_team_dynamic_sucks_in_guardians_of_the_galaxy_vol_3_cinemistakes | What's up everybody. This is your voice Stephen Spielberg. The host of Remember Mistakes, the show where we take some virulence, hottest films and we absolutely skewer them. And then we're making a sound going hot s-ssssss.
Today we are doing Guardians of the Galaxy 3. And a lot of people were saying oh Stephen you can't put.. You can't skewer Guardians of the Galaxy 3. It's the third one There's already been two that's so good and then about superheroes, and they're funny and their friends and all that stuff yeah, I don't give a crap. I'll put it on the skewer stick Here are the top 5 mistakes in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3. The first mistake in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 is that this movie is way too freaking sad.
They got cute ass critters in this movie. Critters with all kinds of different gadgets and mechanical items attached to them. The critters look like they belong in the Twisted Metal game from Playstation a long time ago. They're all screwed up. They make you like them a bunch and then you see how good of friends they are and then they make these critters go away. This is basically a PETA movie. This is like when you go to work tour and a cute girl comes up to you and they're like hey do you have a second to talk about animal rights and you're like whoa yeah I'm so happy that a woman is talking to me this is awesome and then you go and she pulls you in a tent and shows you sad videos of dogs and animals and stuff being tortured and you're like I thought you were trying to hang out with me and really she was just trying to get you to sign up for PETA.
This is exactly like that except watching it in a movie form and on top of that the whole movie you start off with Star-Lord Chris Pratt pretty hot guy he starts out and he's drunk as hell and he's all sad about Gamora. So then you see Gamora in the movie and his heart is broken the whole time. That's like every time when I watch Sailor Moon and I get my heart broken because I wish that I could date someone in Sailor Moon and on top of that the whole team's gonna break up.
I mean come on here we gotta get a win. The model identified the critters are way too cute and honestly I feel taken advantage of here.
The second reason why Guardians of Galaxy Volume 3 is a terrible movie is that actually Groot is way too freaking funny for this film. Every time he opens his mouth I am absolutely busting my gut laughing it out hilarious this MF-R is. He's saying like I am Groot and I'm like oh is Groot top five comedians of all time like is it Rogan Groot and then like Carlin like after that like I don't know but Groot is absolutely crushing it in this movie. He should have a Comedy Central special like an hour long one. It sounds like a good thing that Groot is so funny but it's not because on the one hand the movie is so sad but on the other hand like Groot is freaking hilarious. Like I'm going sad I'm going laughing I'm sad I'm laughing it's like we need to pick a direction here right? Plottle identified Groot is too hilarious in this movie and it's distracting. The third reason why Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 is a terrible movie is that there is not enough revenge in this thing.
The High Evolutionary deserved to have his freaking ass beat for about 30 minutes to an hour in real time on screen for the kind of crap that he pulled in this movie. If I were the person that was going to beat the High Evolutionary's ass here's what I would be doing. I would have I would have watched it burn until he started looking like Mr. Potato Head and I'd have his legs and I'd just start put these legs just like the Blue Man Group like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom. And I just started f***ing scared. I would take that and I f***ing plottle identified the High Evolutionary deserves a lot more revenge than what he got.
The fourth reason why the Guardians of the Galaxy movie number three makes absolutely no sense is that new team dynamic. It took me three movies to understand how the Guardians of the Galaxy got along with each other in their interpersonal relationships like Drax and Mantis and Star-Lord and how they all play off each other. Now the entire team quitting you're telling me I've got to do all this again I've got to start from ground zero. Who are these new people like I know I saw them in the movie but it's giving me so much anxiety thinking about it. We have Kraglin who it's like yeah we've seen before but now he's like a main team member and he's like talking with everyone else like how is that going to work like is he funny like Groot I don't know. Then you have Cosmo the Space Dog it's like what's going on there like is Cosmo funny as hell like Groot I don't know. Then we also have a young girl with like crazy powers but is she funny like Groot and last but not least you have Adam Warlock which honestly should come as a trigger warning because Will Poulter in my mind will always be used to Skrugg from the Chronicles of the Narnia and he's scared the shit out of me so much that I wet my bed for five years and I blocked Will Poulter on all social media and I did not know that he was going to be in this so it was a big trigger warning for me and I had to stop myself from pissing my pants again. So now you're telling me that I have to see Will Poulter aka Eustis Skrugg in every Guardians of the Galaxy movie coming out soon and probably a lot of the Avengers movies and stuff like that like I'm honestly freaking terrified. Plonno identified Eustis Skrugg does not belong in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The fifth reason why Guardians of the Galaxy is a terrible movie is because I should replace Drax.
In real life people have compared me to Drax, they've said that I look like him, I'm funny like him, I'm strong like him, probably stronger honestly if we're being real like give me a couple weeks and I would beat him. It's like they've said like you're so funny and you are you know strong as hell and you're really good with knives and if you were married to Sailor Moon like you could be a really good dad if you guys had kids together like people are saying this to me all the time constantly. They're obviously letting anybody become a Guardians of the Galaxy now, Eustis Skrugg, Will Poulter. I think I could take over the mantle of Drax, I could be Drax 2.0 just name it like new Drax and I would be him. And I think I could do a better job than Dave Batista did, he's probably over it right and I could breathe fresh light into the character and like the character could wear like backwards hats and stuff like. Like and he would just be like really cool and he'd be into John Wick and doing crazy stuff like that and that's what I would bring to the role and actually this is kind of making me think. What I'm just now realizing is that Dave Batista leaving the role of Drax actually opens this up for me to finally achieve my dream of being a famous Hollywood actor and is like super rich and famous and like I have like a wife and kids and we have a house like the beachside in Malibu but then we also have like a tiny house like kind of in the Midwest like for when I need to decompress you know what I mean because it's going to get like so overwhelming like being so famous this is going to take the movie off the skewer stick for me it's got five stars all right everyone so I guess that has been set of mistakes for Guardians of Galaxy volume 3 the show where I typically just skewer Hollywood's hottest moves but now I'm apparently achieving my dream of playing Drax like see you guys when I'm famous now Stephen Spielberg a reading for Drax new Drax who wants to see John Wick who wants to go watch John Wick I'm willing to shave |
TheOnion | Scientists_Find_Skeleton_Of_Nature_s_First_Sexual_Predator | The scientific community is buzzing following the announcement that archeologists in Argentina have uncovered the first complete skeleton of the world's oldest sexual predator. According to the team of archeologists, the discovery of a full skeleton of Pravatosaurus leerae, the first dinosaur species known to stalk another not for food, but for sexual satisfaction, could, quote, shed light on any number of mysteries surrounding this ancient lecherous creature. Joining us now from Argentina is the lead paleontologist on the dig, Andrew Vaughn.
They're both members of the theropod suborder, but the Pravatosaurus is smaller and much, much creepier. Now, how did you and your team make this monumental discovery? Oh, well, the skeleton was discovered in a dank subterranean cave far away from any of the other dinosaur fossils we excavated. The large number of well-preserved footprints suggest the Pravatosaurus spent the majority of its time there in the cave, just pacing back and forth alone. So it was basically a solitary creature. Oh, for the most part, yes. The Pravatosaurus seemed to only approach other dinosaurs when they were in large groups, which allowed the Pravatosaurus to stealthily creep between their bodies and rub himself up against them.
It's incredible. All of my research indicates that it really liked mud and slick surfaces and would often submerge half of its body in mud while gripping its own genitals and mumbling to itself. Now, it was long thought, it was my understanding at least, that the Pravatosaurus was a carnivore. Oh, that was a misconception. By studying the Pravatosaurus' fossilized feces, which we found neatly stacked in symmetrical piles in the cave, we discovered the Pravatosaurus was in fact an herbivore. So it was a scavenger of sorts, then? Oh, yes. We have discovered drag marks near several caves, indicating the Pravatosaurus likely lured smaller dinosaurs back to its cave, but the lack of skeletons suggests the Pravatosaurus didn't kill and eat them, only watch them as it masturbated. Well, it's remarkable.
Thanks for being with us, Dr. Vaughn. Congratulations on your find. Thank you.
Accusations of steroid use are calling into question the legitimacy of many of the world's greatest sports bloopers. |
dropout | the_nightmare_after_the_fifth_element | From Sarlacc to Snorlax, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Zach Oyama. Hello. I'm hoping to get second place. That would be great. And Kirk D'Amato, Konbanwa, and Sam Basher. I'm very afraid right now. Great.
It's your first time here. Welcome. Welcome viewers. The game is very simple.
I have here a stack of statements. These are untrue statements, but the things that you know and love. I have huge fandoms out there somewhere. I'll be very angry that I've said something untrue about it.
It's up to you to find a thing that's wrong, buzz in, and correct me. Now all of your corrections must be preceded by the phrase Um, Actually. If you don't, I can't give you the point. And you can interrupt me at any point in the question. Just as soon as you hear the thing that's wrong, buzz in. You don't have to let me finish.
And that is pretty much it. You're just a liar. Yes. This is a game of lies. Wow. This is a game of me being a liar and being put in my place by very angry people.
And if you don't do it, they will. Grab your buzzers and we'll get started. It's the first question about comics.
In the X-Men comics, the classification Omega level mutant generally designates those mutants with the most powerful abilities. Some of these incredibly powerful mutants include Iceman, Jean Grey, Matthew Malloy, Kid Omega, Professor X, and X-Man. Kirk. Um, actually, X-Man would not be considered an Omega level X-Man. He's just an X-level X-Man. X-Man is actually an Omega level mutant. And also a real X-Man. Zach. Um, actually, Jean Grey is not an Omega level. Jean Grey is also an Omega level mutant, yeah.
Sam. Um, actually, it's Matthew Malloy. No, it's a very normal sounding name. Um, Kirk, yeah.
Um, actually, then I would, by the process of elimination of who is the suckiest of the remaining three characters, I'd go with Bobby Drake, Iceman. And you would be wrong. That's crazy, man.
Did we say all of them? No. Uh, there is in fact one more. It's incredibly surprising, which is why I think, like, yeah, go ahead.
Um, actually, Charles Xavier is not Omega level. Professor X is not an Omega level X-Man.
Why? I don't know.
But Iceman is. Iceman is. Wow. Iceman is an Omega level, Professor X is not.
Which feels fucked, right? Yeah. Like, that shouldn't be.
He seems powerful. He seems incredibly powerful.
Well, my process of elimination, Zach. I guess I'll give you the clue. I feel kind of bad. I don't know. Well, I'll address this to viewers. Should I give you the point or should we? No. Wow. I don't think I should get the point. I think that's, I mean, to be fair, we did guess maybe seven times before we landed on that. I guess that's only fair. Um, but.
Take it away from me. I don't want to. No points for that one. Moving on to our next one here.
The director of The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tim Burton, based the film on a three-page poem that he himself had written several years earlier. Uh, Kirk. Um, actually, no. It's written based off of a children's book, which he had written. Incorrect. There's a little poem. Yeah. Um, actually, Tim Burton did not direct that movie. That's correct. Tim Burton did not direct The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Do you know who did? Oh, not a clue. I'll give you the point anyway. Burton Timson. Yeah.
The Nightmare Before Christmas was directed by Henry Selleck. Which is crazy because it's the Burton-iest Burton movie that ever existed. But yeah, I guess at the time, Burton was busy directing Batman Returns.
Can we talk about making a movie based off a poem you wrote? Oh, sure. We can talk about that. Why? Do you have a poem that you've written? I could. I could write a poem and sell some movies. Based on the hit poem by Zach Oyama.
Well, that is a point for Sam. All right.
This is a video game question here. The characters in the first Mortal Kombat were all derived from a motion capture performance from one of five actors. The depiction of these realistic figures committing hyper-violent acts resulted in the creation of age ratings for video games.
Kirk. Um, actually, I don't think it was motion capture. It was. Gosh. Yeah, it was this thing where they got these actors in here to like, you know, form some moves and animate them together. Sam. Um, actually, it wasn't five actors. I think it was like two. It was just a male and a female and they did all the parts. No, there were in fact, there were in fact five, yeah. Oh. Wait. Um, actually, Goro is not one of five actors. He's multiple of actors that they put together.
Oh, no. Please be right. Please be right.
No, no. But, you know, you're all dancing around it. So the issue is Goro. So not every character was created through motion capture. Almost all of them were. The only one who wasn't was Goro. So Goro was created through claymation stop motion animation. Everyone else was. So Goro was not in fact an amalgamation of multiple actors smooshed together. He was a claymation figure. So he is untrue to say that they were all created through motion capture. A very, very picky question for sure.
You remember that claymation fighting game? Yes, Clay Fighter. Clay Fighter.
Oh, okay. Well, no points for that one either. Here's just a little sci-fi movie question for you.
In the fifth element, Corbin, Dallas and Leeloo rendezvous with D.Va Plava Laguna on the luxury cruise Flosten Paradise in order to retrieve four powerful element stones. After being fatally wounded, the D.Va reveals that the stones are hidden in a trunk in her room. Actually, the stones are in her.
That's correct. Yeah.
That gave me an absolute nightmare. It's like, do I have that? Same thing with the Rugrats episode where he eats the watermelon seeds and the watermelon grows out of them. Two very distinct nightmares because of things in my belly. Things inside you. How do you feel about Alien?
This is not going there. How did they get in there? I don't know what the initial plan was as far as like, cool, we'll get the, swallow these stones, suppository these stones, somehow get these stones in you and then we don't have time to figure it out. Just do it.
Eat the stones. Eat the stones, man.
All right. Well, I got a performance later today. Well, that's another point for Sam for being haunted in his nightmares by stones emerging from a body.
This brings us to our very first shiny question. Shiny questions are like shiny Pokemon. They are worth the same amount. They're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
So this you don't necessarily have to answer. Actually you can if you just want to stay in the habit and not forget later.
This is a game that we're calling Under Review. We're going to throw up on the screen and I will also read aloud a movie review from which references to the specific movie are taken out. The first person who can buzz in and tell me what movie the reviewers are talking about will get the point.
All right. Let's go ahead and throw it up there. All right.
So that might be a little hard to read. I'll read out loud.
The first is a quote from Roger Ebert says a movie that obviously was made with infinite care and pains and it began with a real inspiration. Why not create a fantasy out of some drawings of MC Escher? The movie is an impressive production that is often good to look at. Real thought went into it.
Sounds fine. Yes. I'm actually, I don't know why I'm saying I'm actually, but they're talking about Labyrinth. They are talking about Labyrinth. Yes, they are.
And I will also read Gene Siskel's review because man, Gene Siskel hated this movie. He said, an enormous waste of talent and money, really quite awful, sharing a much too complicated plot and visually ugly style, a pathetic story. It has been said many times before in this space that the sight of a baby in peril is one of the sleaziest gimmicks a film can employ to gain our attention, but the director does it.
Man. Wow. Labyrinth rules. A lot of people can get bit, right? I think Jim Henson said that.
Fuck these guys. I also love from the second half of Ebert's Quilt where he says, the soundtrack is fine. It's like, it's like, man, like you really just hate me.
Your review is fine. Yeah. And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. Um, Actually, it's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here, but I'll, I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once, um, uh, because this is just, there's more technology goals to try to name as many of these aliens as you can. It's like, we just make up for them like Brian or David or, yeah, I named that they already have. Okay. Yes. |
dropout | camp_archery | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2013 Camp Wanakaka archery tournament. Before you stand, our brave competitors, who have volunteered to showcase their skills, I will introduce to you... I've heard enough. You thought you could have the 2K13 archery competition without me. Did you, Mitch?
Well, actually, we're still waiting on... I don't give a care what we're still waiting on.
Next time, it's going to be smoother. So, this is my competition. What a bunch of limp dicks! And you, I'm going to win the 2K13 archery competition, and then I'm going to eat your mom out right in front of you. Give me those glasses, you'll learn. Give it to me! Hey, hey, take it easy, Percival. Or what, you little turd?
Duncan will be here any minute. He'll show you what's what. He's the best archer ever. Duncan? I thought Duncan went to space camp. Did you hear this?
He did. But legend has it, he was so awesome. He graduated early.
I'm not scared of him. I don't see him right now, do I?
Any of you nerds see Duncan? There he is. Did you miss me, bitches? Hey, Duncan, look at me! Duncan! Good to see you, Duncan.
How was space camp? Let's just say I really blasted off the competition. Shut up!
I hope you've been practicing Duncan. I plan on getting all the trophies this year. The only thing you should plan on is getting the Danish checked after I'm through with you.
Take the tires and light the fires. Fire!
Let's see if you can beat this one. See all right without your glasses? Maybe you'd do better with a sewing needle instead of that bow. We're down to the final two. This is for all the marbles.
Archers will fire at the same time, the closest one to the bullseye wins. Archers, present! Another arrow now. That is a bullseye!
Duncan wins the tournament! Let's dunk Duncan! Duncan, it's a one-a-cocker tradition!
You're gonna have a blast, man! You're gonna love this! Come on, come on, keep going! All right, one, two, three! Quick three, popcorn in the cabin!
If you like what you saw, please rate and subscribe. Rate and subscribe.
Thanks, man. You can get back to this. Thanks? Nope. Yep. Argh! If you like what you saw, please rate and subscribe. Rate and subscribe. Thanks, man. You can get back to this. Thanks? Nope. Yep. Argh! |
dropout | when_your_uber_driver_takes_a_personal_call_hot_date | Hey, fam. Help yourself to some bottled water or loose junior mints. Where are we headed tonight? Board Game Night. I'm introducing the love of my life to my friends. Oh, baby.
No, I mean where? You didn't input your destination. Oh, uh, 22 West 5th Street.
Alright. You guys hear about this Middle East stuff? It's pretty fucked up. Sorry, do you mind if I take this?
Chris, where are you? I'm at work. What's up, baby?
Because you were at work last night. Except you weren't. Because you just got tagged in a photo with someone named Tara.
Can you watch The Road, please? You good on gum? We all good on gum? Just The Road.
Baby, baby, baby. I swear I was at work last night. I did eight rides and then I went out for a drink with the boys.
And Tara. And Tara just happened to be there.
I can't control who my friends talk to, right? You guys know what I'm talking about?
Back me up. You need to look at the road. Is that Tara? No, baby, that's my passenger.
She has a boyfriend. You asked if she was single. No, no, no, no, no. He's here with her. Guys, just explain the situation to her.
Please watch The Road, okay? Come home, please. You guys mind if we swing by my place for 45 minutes to an hour?
Yes. Yes, as in that's cool. Yes, we do mind. Yes, as in we mind.
Sorry, babe, they won't budge. Babe? She'll come by me. She's right to meet suspicious y'all.
I fucked up. I didn't cheat on her, but emotionally? Emotionally I did. Please don't do that. I'm an emotional teeter, man. fuck me.
Hey, dude. Hey, calm down, okay? You're right. Couples fired at me. You guys know. Not us. You never fight. Honestly, fam, that's fucking obnoxious. I bet you don't last a week. Oh, we're here. On the red okay? Yeah. And stay hydrated. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Money_Saving_Campaign_Well_Deserved_Rewards_Wasted_Time_More_August_26 | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, hope it's been an alright week. It's been a very busy week here in the newsroom.
For myself, Wendell Hussey and Euphemia Bateman, who joins me in the Desert Rock FM studios. How are you travelling? Really well, but counting down the hours until I can have a glass of wine.
Yeah, fair enough. That is absolutely fair enough.
Look, Clancy is still laid up with the hip replacement stuff and Errol, I believe, has just landed. He's gotten off the boat, but he's come down with something again as well. He has. We might not see him for a little while. He had COVID and Gastro on the cruise, now he's just picked up something else. Obviously, fingers crossed it's not the dreaded pox, but it's been a busy week here in the newsroom.
We're all falling apart here. Yeah, yeah. It's real skeleton cruise stuff at the moment. I suppose your banjo string, and I think that was a domino effect for the whole office. That's what started it all. And I'd argue that's probably worse than everything else. I agree. I don't know, Clancy reckons the hips are bad. Anyway, that's something that we can look forward to in the future, Effie. But they do always say the news doesn't stop for anybody and it rolls on, and that's certainly been the case this week. We're going to start off with a bit of a national story here, aren't we, Effie? Yes.
Coles has thoughtfully unveiled a new ad campaign showing how you can feed the whole family for under $10. Yeah, this is exciting times. Nation's second biggest supermarket cartel has hit the airwaves this week with a fresh new campaign that has an old face and an old familiarity. Yes, you might remember those famous ads where Curtis Stone, and I originally remember when they first came out, everyone was like, who is this guy? Yeah, Surfing the Menu, that's where he came from, a small ABC TV show, celebrity chef Curtis, yeah. But yeah, basically he would show you how you could feed the family for $10, and well Curtis is back, and he's rolling out some exciting recipe ideas for families across the country.
And the first ad is basically a packet of the cheapest, most processed sausages known to mankind, which usually don't involve any meat at all, I'm pretty sure, a single capsicum and a single carrot. He doesn't actually go into what you do with that, I think it's maybe fried and he's banking on you having tomato sauce at home and maybe you dice it and all that sort of stuff. Yeah, I don't know, couldn't afford the onion, so it's just the carrot and the capsicum with the sausages. And it's believed that there's going to be more ads rolled out over the next few weeks with looking at things like the popular Mi Goreng noodle, there's a rice and soy sauce dish, and also pasta, tomato sauce, no cheese, just pasta, tomato sauce, and maybe some fried onion in with that one.
So certainly things to look forward to. Yeah, it's like uni, uni meals. Yeah, exactly, we're leaving uni meals, first year apprentice meals.
What was your specialty? I think mine was mac and cheese.
Potato and onion. Potato and onion, quite delicious. I do have European heritage, Polish heritage, that's a real staple. Was that like baked? Bit of butter if you can afford it. Baked potato? No, no, no, fried. You've just slice a potato and fry it with onion. You can boil it before you fry it, but yeah, it's really quite tasty.
Now look, received quite well, this ad campaign, but Brian Grant, one of our followers on social media, he left a comment on that article where he wasn't a big fan of it. He said, no way you can get a single capsicum for under $10. Fair enough. Regional Queensland, he might be shopping, you know, out on Batutta Plains there where you probably can't get a capsicum for under $10, but for city slickers, you know, this is probably a relevant recipe. Anyway, we'll move along.
Yes, and up next, an airline posting massive losses can somehow still afford giant salaries and bonuses for executives. Yes, Qantas and its subsidiary Jetstar, I didn't know that, but there you go, have fronted the media this week claiming the company has posted a massive loss of $860 million, which has absolutely nothing to do with offsetting the massive profits they are about to rake in over the next couple of years. Yeah, nothing to do with paying accountants to organise things to ensure they don't pay tax until probably 2026 or 2027. But anyway, despite apparently running at a massive loss, the CEO of Qantas, Alan Joyce, says he and his executives are deserving of tens of millions in bonuses. Speaking exclusively to the advocate, he said, I know we are posting record losses and the company's public standing is at an all time low, but we've done such a good job managing the company that we do deserve these giant pay packets.
That's just the way these things go. The man who lives in a $30 million house in Sydney said he used to pay himself like $25 million, so he's only paying himself three or four this year, so he's actually doing it tough. And moving on to some international news.
Yes, and the Finnish Prime Minister has faced heavy criticism for dancing when she could have been starting wars or something. Yes, this follows that disgraceful saga involving the Finnish PM Sanneh Marine, which has rolled on for another week, I think we're up to now 10 days of it. Basically videos emerge where she seemed to dance with her friends at a party over the course of a whole night. Now there's been a couple of girls kissing photos of that, I think someone got boobs out as well. But anyway, it's been apparently notable enough to land herself in multiple Australian newspapers and international newspapers on numerous occasions, with basically the world just being outraged over this disgusting behaviour from the Nordic leader. Yeah, it's really appalling stuff, and as many people have pointed out, instead of dancing the night away, she could have been attending a gentleman's club, being taken out to dinner by a coal lobbyist, or just starting a war with a neighbouring country.
Yeah, I think she just needs to get her priorities right if you ask me. Yeah, fair enough. Stick to the job at hand. Simon Barnard Pascoe, he seemed to come out to bat for the Finnish PM and he said, If all this woman did was go out on the piss with her friends every single night, she would be doing less harm to the world and more for her people than most of the other country's leaders in this world. Interesting, there you go, that's Simon's opinion.
Now finishing up, we've got a local story, and a local girl has held back tears as her hairdresser mistakes the below the shoulders request for the Lord Farquaad haircut. Effie, you spoke to this woman, tell us about it. Yes, a horror story for French Quarterwoman Louise Flynn, who now says she's facing the prospect of not looking good for at least three months. This comes after she asked her hairdresser for a very simple cut, one inch below the shoulders, just above the boobs, straightforward, no layers, no fucking around, just quick slice. Yeah, sounds very simple when you say it like that, but as the chunks disappeared, Louise found herself staring into oblivion and doing everything she could to stop the tears streaming down her face. Of course, she did politely thank the hairdresser she now hates and strolled off aimlessly to try and figure out what to do with her mop for the next few months of her life, Effie.
Yeah, it's a tricky one. I mean, you can't really put it up in a bun because it's too short.
I don't know what she's going to do there. Well, that's what she's got to look forward to over the next few months, I guess. I wonder if she will go back to that hairdresser and try again. She probably will. Give her a second chance or two.
Yeah. Oh well, there you go. It's a bit of a sad note to finish on, but for everyone out there, I guess at least you're not Louise right now. Exactly. So things are looking good. I hope you have a great weekend and we'll be back at you again kicking off next Monday. See you. See you. ...people in most of the other countries' leaders in this world. Interesting. There you go. That's Simon's opinion.
Right now, finishing up, we've got a local story and a local girl has held back tears as her hairdresser mistakes the below-the-shoulders request for the Lord Farquaad haircut. Effie, you spoke to this woman. Tell us about it. Yes, a horror story for French Quarter woman Louise Flynn, who now says she's facing the prospect of not looking good for at least three months. This comes after she asked her hairdresser for a very simple cut, one inch below the shoulders, just above the boobs, straightforward, no layers, no fucking around, just quick slice. Yeah, sounds very simple when you say it like that, but as the chunks disappeared, Louise found herself staring into oblivion and doing everything she could to stop the tears streaming down her face. Of course, she did politely thank the hairdresser she now hates and strolled off aimlessly to try and figure out what to do with her mop for the next few months of her life, Effie.
Yeah, it's a tricky one. I mean, you can't really put it up in a bun because it's too short.
I don't know what she's going to do there. Well, that's what she's got to look forward to over the next few months, I guess. I wonder if she will go back to that hairdresser and try again. She probably will. Give her a second chance, too.
Oh, well, there you go. I guess it's a bit of a sad note to finish on, but for everyone out there, I guess at least you're not Louise right now, so things are looking good. I hope you have a great weekend, and we'll be back at you again, kicking off next Monday. See ya. |
programmersarealsohuman | using_the_internet_for_the_2nd_time_startups_news_websites | Also these are sponsored, so they aren't even written by the educated journalists from this magazine. So this is just talking about hot tubs.
Oh man. Where the internet of things meets web through.
Hi everyone, I'm back like Arnold.
This video is going to be very long and boring. The cameraman is going to edit this down, I hope. I mean, I would edit it, but video editing on Linux?
It's possible. It's definitely possible. Just let me put it this way. I would rather read the documentation on how to do conditional queries in DynamoDB or have a rat eat through my body in an Italian mafia coup than edit videos on Linux, but it's possible. It would definitely be possible.
Today I have planned to learn the modern internet. We have to design a fancy UI because apparently terminal applications aren't fashionable anymore. I need to understand how modern web works and what the difference between UI and UX is. Let's go onto a website of a startup. Apparently startups have a very high interest to communicate what they're doing to get users.
Okay, so we have our cookie banner again. This looks differently designed everywhere.
So this is something where designers can really live out their imagination to enhance your user experience. It's important for the full experience. Improve your site journey and assist in our marketing efforts.
Okay, this seems like some magic beans that do all three. Are you cool with cookies? I am cool. Okay, by now I am cool with these cookies.
Peopled powered apps on a peopled powered blockchain network.
Okay, I don't know what that means, I'll be honest. Also this is explaining that we can scroll. Oh, okay. So that's very accessible. Peek at 90 seconds. Give us a shortcut to really understand, okay, that's, I like that. Oh, it's a video.
Okay, so this is, oh, they're using cookies and data again to improve and deliver personalized ads. I mean, I'm using Tor to not have anything personalized, but just be generic in the internet. I mean, ideally you should use Gnu Icecat, but okay, that's for the fun.
I mean, except we're here to learn something. Okay, again, I mean, what's happening? Now I'm fighting with the cookie banner. Now the whole site is reloading. Okay. If I accept it just keeps reloading, let's reject. Oh no, it's working.
Great.
So this is an explainer of what the company is doing, I like it. Your things are not really your things. Every device, vehicle or machine you use, you use on big tech's terms, value, information and power is being generated on their watch. That's the status quo. That's web two. Peak is making sure your things are really your things. We're putting power back into your hands.
Peak is a people powered network powering a people powered economy. Where the internet of things meets web three, we're building a better future where you can all earn and control. Right shell on land, air or sea, we're building a future that doesn't just work for the 1%, but for the 100%, 100%.
I'm buying this. I don't know what they're doing still, but we enable machines to freely interact with their environments. Okay. Freedom to machines. I hope freedom to humans will also follow. Peak is bringing millions of machines to the Polkadot ecosystems as independent actors along with billions of dollars in associated. Please nobody tell OpenAI about this. Why do we need a web three economy of things? Oh, that's not a rhetorical question. Okay. Our things are taking our jobs.
I don't have a job. Nobody's taking mine.
So why build on Peak?
Okay. So this seems to be commonality I discovered in the web. We always put NFTs and profit close to each other. That's like a recipe to success. Okay.
I want to know what this Crest guy is. What is Crest?
Yes. The world's first and only. Okay. So I discovered this.
You always say world's first and only. During your always the world's first and only.
Okay. You can connect your device and earn. Okay. So there's some financial model in here. Oh, there is no other live blockchain. Okay. So there is no other or world's first. These are things. And we have our social media buttons again. Okay.
So this is everywhere. It's like we can't just have a plugin from our browser, but it's ingrained in every website. I went through a couple of startup websites and I discovered that there is this commonality. They always look like this or some big cap, large font description, which usually doesn't say anything. And then, and this is the interesting part. There are these smooth, soft fade ins on every part of the website. You see these.
So the data comes in smooth. You don't, it does. It's not there immediately. It just smoothly loads in.
They spend a lot of time really making sure everything looks different. Sometimes from the left, the right, the top.
Wow. It just loads and smooth. You never actually get the information at first sight. Okay. What do they need to, to, to make this happen? This is some wizardry. So there's like a whole batch of JavaScript libraries. Yeah.
That's what it takes to look like any other website on the internet. I actually noticed that most of the startup websites are this theme or this theme that sums up pretty much 90% of the startup web. So another thing, the internet is great at sharing news and every news company has their own website.
And I assume that those need to be clean and readable because I mean, all they're sharing is the news. It's just text. They just want people to read the text. They don't need the whole visual experience like on the other websites. Our first target is a new site called the Washington Post.
Hello?
Sure. I mean, no, I don't want to turn off. Okay.
Chat now. Who can I chat with? Oh, okay. I cannot chat.
Everything about me. Second try. Okay. We need to confirm that we're a human. We don't have a lot of trust in the internet. I realize.
Why can't we just automate these captures? I mean, why, why do we need to do them manually?
Okay. I guess that's the part of the captures. Okay. Now I'm getting a little bit bored that now they're not going to let us through. Oh, okay. Just do a simple reload. Hello? Okay. Maybe I accept. Okay.
So this, so these news are behind the, I guess the paywall. You've reached your limit of free articles. I didn't read any articles. Sad. So this marks our third attempt at finding free information on the internet.
Oh, so this one's nice. Let's choose something for bakeries. See, and that's just simple white on black text. It's almost like I do an Emacs in your browser, but I mean, we don't get the whole funk 1.2 seconds for gallery loader.
Okay. So we just get free information. That's no ads or just free information. Okay.
What did this say again? Wait a minute. What?
I mean, aren't these ads what, I mean, so this is how they, they keep the site going. But I mean, who clicks on these kinds of things? The people who read these articles are not clicking on this, aren't they?
Okay. What about this one? Okay.
Cookie banner where we have options and we can reject all. No we don't have legitimate interest.
Thank you. This is this. Oh, I need to save an action.
So they're financing the website by having stupid people click on ads so that I can have free information. Where are all the good old minimalist websites going? Is there a search engine for them? So I figured out that we have this search engine, which leads us to the good old minimalist websites. Yeah, but these are just old professors blogging about exotic plants.
Okay. Is there some website which is minimalist and contains valuable information apart from RMS website, of course. Okay.
So this website doesn't even use HTTPS. And this is a simple website, one image, a list of categories and the latest article. Then if we click on the article, it's just text. It's unbelievable. Where are all the JavaScript load ins and all the fancy animations, the trackers, cookie banners, comment sections, well, they're all gone. How does this website work? It's just text right there. You can read it in one go. This seems boring. Let's add some JavaScript. Now we're looking how the website of the bigger dog looks like the VC.
Okay. We have another cookie banner. Hello. This is just purple. Is that their message? Is this some kind of, okay, let's reload the website. It's purple. Okay. We just went into a different galaxy. So this isn't really readable. Oh, and there are more animations. Every designer needs to show off their skills and why are there just borders? Well, hello. Okay.
Private video. If you have permission. Do we have permission?
We can't even clock in on the login button.
Okay. Let's look at their approach. Maybe we'll learn something. Okay. So it seems their approach is rather slow. I mean, they're raising over 80 billion. They could at least fix those gray frames. Okay. So we can scroll to discover. Okay. So these are new interactions.
These designers have too much time, but they're still not telling us what they're doing exactly.
Maybe they don't know themselves yet, but is there a website which lets me see valuable information that is shared by different people on a minimalist website? So I just discovered 4chan. So it turns out to make use of the web 2.0.
All you need is a couple of extensions in your browser. I'm getting it slowly. What is this? They're blocking us, but we need to turn off. We just got this extension. Okay.
So now I learned that I can actually use chat GPT and just use the internet text-based. I give it a question. I get a text-based answer and I can use the internet through Emacs again. We just went full cycle with the web, what preposterous.
I wanted to learn how a prestigious organization does their web. So I went to a charity website trying to figure out where the call to action button is.
So this is, um, I read a very important concept. Oh, take action. Okay. So that you have a call to action that's in reach. Take action, defend climate action. Now they seem to have, uh, mastered this concept.
Wait, are we back on the main webs? Well, we did. We did take the action. Why did we get back?
All right. Let's try one more time. I'm confused. So, okay. We tried this one. Maybe there's okay. Okay.
So these are the, okay, no, we want to sign. We want to sign and take, okay, there it is. Take action. Oh, there. Okay. We get points for doing the action. Sign now. Okay. Oh, this is the form. Take action with Facebook. Take action with Apple, but we want to take action against Apple. Okay. I'm not signing this. |
TheOnion | Sex_In_A_Bottle_Sex_House_Ep_7 | Welcome to Sex House! Fly! The Sex House is now much more beautiful. Another day more warmth and smoothness to feel on my skin. I love little frogs. They remind me of my mom and my dad and my suicide brother. Have sex, froggies!
That's what America wants to see. We were in the kitchen feeling all of the yellow lines. Frank came in with his blue lines. Frank, leave!
You're so funny! Hey guys! I like host. He distributes positive feelings. Okay, well I'm really glad that you guys are feeling so affectionate.
Now, don't y'all wanna have sex? Yes! Today's challenge is... We all get to have sex! I knew it! SEX! Derek, Jay, you are the two sexiest males in the house. So you should have sex. I keep tasting this. Why don't you taste his a**hole as he just lays there? Have sex! Damn it!
It'll appeal to a demographic of millions! Wanna drink, Mr. Frog? It makes the sun go away. Cloudy drink kills the frogs. Let's remember it.
Cloudy drink kills... Cloudy drink!
I took Alex upstairs so we could experience each other's body. Frank took me to a room that stabbed my inner breasts. No, no, no, no, no. No, not the mold room.
Come on. Look, Frank, nobody wants to have sex with you. Just go where nobody is. Stand up, please. People want to see a cat fight. Why don't you two fight? And the winner gets to have sex with him.
Post explained to me why I was mad at Aaron, so I fought Aaron. Alex, Aaron is a dumb b**ch. You are a dumb b**ch. Aaron, are you going to let her get away with that or are you going to fight her? Ugh.
We went into the big room to watch Frank use the line machine. We want to have sex, but our d**ks are all soft. Tell me about your dreams, Mr. Frog. Do you want a dream?
No. Frogs can't have a drink. I need the drink! No! Cloudy drink kills frog.
Hey guys. Great news. We found a doctor who said that we wouldn't kill you if we gave you some more medicine, so have at it.
Cloudy drink kills frog. This is all true stuff, I have to say. Cloudy drink kills frog. Let me take a look at that. Cloudy drink kills frog.
You know what? I think it's time for a new game and it's called down the hatch.
No!
Oh my god! That's my eyes! God damn it! I'm blind you b**ch! I'm a horse, do you know what that means? You've ruined me! I'm going to do this to me! I'm going to get you, you mother f**ker!
Once I realized the bottles were poison, we all induced vomiting until we felt better. Thank you. We were all pretty upset about being drugged for so long. I don't know how long we were under. Those days are just lost to me now. I just hope I didn't have sex again.
To call this place evil implies a clarity of purpose that I do not want to attribute to anyone involved. We're done being drugged! In prison! Let us go!
Breathe normally. Prepare for mist. Next time on Sex House. Ready to give up that juicy dugout? We decided to play a sexy game of settlers of Catan until the repairman comes. |
TheOnion | Should_The_Government_Stop_Dumping_Money_Into_A_Giant_Hole | I'm Juliana Mccaddis filling in for Clifford Bains, who messed with the wrong people and got himself involved in some serious shit.
With all economic factors indicating the U.S. is heading for a prolonged recession, some experts are suggesting that the government should stop dumping all of our money into an enormous hole. Is it time to close the national money hole? That kind of talk is alarmist and irresponsible. America needs the money hole. Driving truckloads of money out into the New Mexico desert and dumping it into a massive pit is one of America's greatest traditions. It's frankly a national treasure. No reasonable person is advocating that we are going to stop destroying money, but the American people earn that money, they have the right to decide how it should be destroyed. So you are in favor of personal money holes. People should be able to dump money into a hole in their backyard or flush it down the toilet. Why would the free market decide the most efficient way of destroying money? My father worked two jobs so he'd have money to put in the money hole and he'd never complain.
Now that is the key thing. Now you can't depend on private money holes to destroy that money. Duncan's right. I mean some of this money could blow away. Yes.
Some of it may not be correctly buried. Birds can make mess out of it. I mean there's too many variables in this.
That's why the government pours gasoline into the money hole and lights it on fire to make sure all the money is destroyed. I love the money fire. It's just like they say, you have to throw money in a hole and set it on fire to make money. It's like throwing the cheapest way to destroy that money, like shredding it up and feeding it to homes.
Tell that to the digger who's worked a graveyard shift for 20 years. Digging the hole is all he knows. The sheer number of shovelers it takes to maintain that hole.
But if we're talking about closing holes, I mean what about the soldier hole? How about the energy hole? I mean I can't believe that closing the money hole is even on the table. Well, closing the money hole. Why are you pushing this pro-hole agenda? Is the money hole lobby paying you? I resent that accusation. I do not take money from special interests and if I did, I would throw it right in the hole because I am a patriot. If you love America, you throw money in its hole. |
dropout | i_heart_showalter | Christ, can we just take the thing fucking line by line? It is hard to do this. When you're always saying, oh, let's change this. Let's do this.
Everybody's doing a different fucking thing. You're shooting something. He's standing here. I don't know what the fuck he's doing.
I think we're being very efficient, actually. Patient? No, I said efficient. I'm sorry. You know what? I mean, we're not as brilliant as you.
Can we just take the shot? Yes, can we just do it?
All right, I don't get you, man. I'm trying to fucking help you, Paul. Do you understand me? I don't need a fucking collaborator, Paul. Do you understand me?
I'm trying to do my fucking job. Jesus fucking Christ, I've been working on this show for three fucking weeks. You fucking shit. Jesus fucking Christ. Like I need some fucking cunt bitch telling me how to do my job. Fuck! Jesus fucking Christ.
Let's go fuck your show, Walter. Because that's what you're doing. We need to get insurance against the director.
You're a fucking grown up, OK? Then act like one. You're a grown up. So then act like a fucking grown up.
Fucking dick. You cunt. All right, let's take five. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_pete_davidson_aidy_bryant_bowen_yang_and_alex_moffat_snl | Well, at last year's finale, it seemed like Covid was fading, and I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer's hottest Std is Monkey Pox. that's how weird and bad things have gotten. the stock market is crashing. the war in Europe, everyone on this is Us is about to croak. the future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you'd have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don't worry. I've been hoarding baby formula.
A recent report shows that Fox News host Tucker Carlson, seen here bragging about how big it is, has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn't even make sense, because white people still exist. it's not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it's Halloween. Tucker Carlson's got a lot of nerve-pushing these wild conspiracy theories because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack to Cia's secretly put in black neighborhoods.
Representative Liz Cheney attacked the house Gop leadership, saying they've enabled white supremacy and anti-semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney's attacks, calling them cheaper than a black Rabbi.
Right-wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog, won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for Governor and said if he's elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron Desantis look like a centrist. instead of what Desantis looks like now, my Dad watching me in The School Musical. Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet, saying, quote, if I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30-year career that it comes to light. Ooh, sorry, we were looking for a simple did not do it. the S.o.r. did not do it. Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren't qualified. for instance, his pick for Attorney General is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now, that's not true, but what does it say about Trump that you didn't doubt it for a second? Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on Black Market Baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets. Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at Nyu's graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. you're still going to be paying for it decades later. former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the Presidential election. the book will contain 8,000 commas and no periods. well, with covid restrictions.
Relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat. Oh, Joe. Ah, Moto Bellissima. Guess who's got two tickets to bumpin'' thighs? Yes. All right, man. I'm already regretting this, but, uh, let's hear some of your travel tips. You got it, Kajayjay.
Now, let's talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, Okay? take your new girl to the old world. the south of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French Sciviera to see nice cans. soon, she'll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don't just stay in France, Amigos. as many women have told me, you've actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Eurorail is your ticket to Eurotail. so many choice stops. maybe try Berlin to reel her in. And before you know it, you'll be exploring her black forest, and she'll be moaning in your ear, This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.
Oh, my God. come on, man. Oh, yeah. come on, I shall.
Now, if you don't want to be an Uggo Americano, you've got to blend in with the low calls, jost. So grab a guidebook, and remember, Rick Steves leads to Slick Beaves. And there's nothing scarier than a language barrier. a little duolingo, and you'll be doing lingus. Mi hamones muy pequeno. your ham is tiny? Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tapas, or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. we're talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some Pussitano, don't forget. don't forget about her Naples, if you want her to. if you want her to gobble goo. Oh, my God. some people. we made it. some people are, like, visibly sick. why would any woman want to be with you?
Well, I have to admit, Kojo, I have driven many a lady to the Isle of Lesbos. Oh, man. in my boat, Colin. Oh, yeah. a guy who just bought a boat, everyone. Mi Pane. yes, soon. And Johanna.
Paramount Plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will star Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. the 79-year-old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner while the 76-year-old Mirren will play his grandmother. a new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. it's gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. an attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passenger's baby while heading to Florida. because on Frontier, it's not even worth asking if anyone on board is a doctor. Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. it's not real. a painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. it's a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named teddy Squid. there are a growing number of nuns who are joining Tiktok to show what life in a convent is really like. because when the Catholic church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well. Well, this will get you back to school District. in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N-word. it's a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.
Well, it's almost summer, and as the weather changes, so do styles and trends. Here to comment on what's in for summer are two trend forecasters. Well, thanks for coming back. I can see you're ready for warm weather. Yes. We had a meeting this morning with the sun. we typed what it told us into our big, throbbing computer. here is the report. our first category is.
Summer Fruit trends. in grapes with seeds. in tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex. in watermelon sugar. song. and out. navel orange. navel orange. Ew. why do you have belly button? you're a fruit. what's next? honey do's with c-section scars. navel orange. you're a fat bitch. Why? always have to yell. because if we whisper, no one listens. our next category is. Greeting trends. in Hay.
In. Catherine. In. In. come on in, guys. Welcome to Hooters. And out.
This is your captain speaking. No. you're flying a plane, not hosting a podcast. you're a pilot, captains of the bunch, you sky bitch. by the way, your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. we're having an amazing time without you.
Go To Bed, bitch. Are you okay? are you okay? we're terrified. because the next category is here. Time trends. In, 3.25 p.m. In, about 10 to 15 minutes. In, midnight, when you turn to pumpkin. And Out. when the kitchen is closed. when the kitchen's closed. Well, how interesting. I can see people moving around back there. all I want is a complicated dish that's not on the menu and I'm allergic to everything. the kitchen's closed. Go to bed, bitch. Yeah. you guys come, but I never understand anything you were saying. Well, good. then just enjoy the view, Mr. J. and pay attention to. future trends.
In, 10 nice years. In, a friend I couldn't have done this without. And back in. it's Navel Orange. we love you, girl. Congratulations, Navel Orange.
So what's going to be out in the future? Well, Michael, the computer has ousted three trends. and you know they have to be a victor to hell. out is pretty little bouquet. expensive tiara. And Michael Che! No! I'm just hearing something new is in.
In, my best guys, kissing me. Well, then we must. a manager of an Arby's in Washington is a terrible transition. a manager of an Arby's in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. if convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. The man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes for his own sexual gratification. authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better. We have the pee-pee shakes. a California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dog saved her life by jumping to her defense. because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. it's not real. a British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina.
Uh, yeah, duh-bud. she graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. apparently it took her so long because she's very, very dumb. Marilyn graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed her because her roommate died.
Guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson. Clint and Che and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.
Yeah, Pete, you've had a weird year. yeah, a little bit. yeah, I just, uh, I never imagined this would be my life. You know, I mean, look at me when I started here. like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now everyone knows I'm white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. And like, look at me now. I'm aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn't drink.
Thanks, Pete. So, so are you officially leaving? Yeah, man. Lauren accidentally gifted me a sock, so I'm free.
Has a lot changed since you started here? A lot has changed.
In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster from making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw's eye patch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw's eye patch. Tucker Carlson called him Eye Patch Mccain. that's two veterans in one insult. Jeez, Colin, your dad's a dick. Actually, Pete, I'm not related to Tucker Carlson.
Well, I learned something new every day. But in fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone's appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an Snl alumni tradition. Here, on one hand, I don't like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian. but on the other, it's how I know all my shows will now be sold out. Pete, is there anything you're going to miss about this place? Oh, yeah, Lauren, for sure. he's amazing. he's led us through the Covid era, even though the only time he wears a mask is at his eyes wide shut parties. they got there. he always gives the best advice, really. this is all true advice that Lauren's given me. I'll never forget this. I called him and said when I got engaged, I said, Lauren, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks. and he said, oh, hold on for dear life. it's a true thing he said. And then I remember when I auditioned for Snl, he looked me right in the eye and said, i don't know, I don't think you're right for this show. So let's screw this up together. And that's exactly what we did. And that's why people who don't think I deserve this job shouldn't hate me since we have so much in common. like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live.
Seriously, you see a guy bombing cigarettes outside of Seven Eleven at Two A.m. That's not some meth head. that's the next Pete Davidson. Well, I'm going to miss you, Pete.
Oh, well, thanks, Colin, even though I know it says that on your cue card. you've been like an older brother to me in that, you know, in the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does. And I appreciate Snl always having my back and allowing me to work on myself and grow. And, you know, thank you to Lauren for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me, even one like everyone else was. and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that like I could call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you, guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | ronald_reagan_schemes_with_sammy_davis_jr_snl | Is Mr. Davis Jr. here yet, Ms. Smathers? Yes, he is, Mr. President. Well, send him in. I can't, sir. the metal detector rejected his jewelry. Well, I'll take the chance. Yes, sir. thank you.
Sammy! hey. Sammy, great to see you. and about she can't, she can't.
Man, I got to tell you, babe, what a thrill it is to be here with you, man. you're looking good. you're keeping yourself trim. still a little, god, that's hot. But I got to say, man, I don't mean to lay a whole thing on you, but I'm just. I just want to say what a gas it is to be here with you, the ultimate Cat. I ain't too crazy about the color of the house, but that's a whole other thing. the White House. Yeah. oh, man, I'm killing me. Now, sir, do you know my conductor, George Rhodes? no, George. take care, babe. George is my 25-year-man, been with me 28 years. you know what I'm saying? Well, Sam, I appreciate you coming in all the way from Las Vegas, flying in that way. yeah, I flew in. boy, is my eye tired. Oh! oh! oh! oh, man. Sammy, you know how much Nancy and I love all your work. the episode and all in the family, your appearances on General Hospital, just terrific.
Well, thanks. thank you. they're such good kids there, you know, Robbie and Carol and Gene. you know, we made a statement there. excuse me if I am a little bit out of breath, you know, but I am in the White House, man, and I'm getting a lot of spilkes about this. you know what I'm saying? spilkes. it's Yinnish. it means nervous. you see, and I've got the spilkes, But yet with that, coupled with the spilkes, I'm getting a great deal of nachis. not nachis. nachis. there's a chuch in there. Nachis. it means joy. So I've got the spilkes and the nachis. it's like a surf and turf. you know what I'm saying? I got those two working together, and yet why should I feel upset when you and I are just really two cats talking? you know what I'm saying? But it's exciting. So the spilkes and the nachis give me an overall kvel.
You dig what I'm saying? exactly, Sam. I know exactly what you're talking about. uh-huh. And that's why I asked you here to the White House. Sammy, I need your help. you need maybe a campaign song? Because I can do that.
I laid one on that cat in India. it was a trip, man. it went like this,: um. bunch of cats, cats, cats, cats. who can take the British, bring them to their knees with passive resistance and some curry, if you please, the dandy man. that dandy man can. he's a peaceful brown cat. Bunch of cats, cats, cats. all right?
Sammy, Sammy, you're something else. Well, I suspect that, uh, well, your support will go with, um, Jesse Jackson because you and Cosby and, well, all you guys. no, no, no, babe. au contraire. I'm. I'm kind of split about the whole Jesse Jackson thing, man. See, as a black, I think it's exciting what the Good Reverend is doing. and I dig that. But as a Jew, he offends the hell out of me. I'm no Jaime man, And I have never been a Jaime. you know what I'm saying? I hate that, babe. you know what I'm talking about? too much for me. Sammy. Sammy, that's encouraging, because I was gonna ask you about, uh, that hugging thing you do, like, uh, when you embraced President Nixon. Oh, man.
Seran, I couldn't possibly. that was a huge disaster, both for me and for the good President at the time. And I took a solemn oath to the cat upstairs man that I would never, ever hug anybody politically again.
Hmm. would you do a hug for me? any place, any time. right now. No, no, no. come on, let me give you a little, just a whistle, babe. come on, here, take it. here, you're gonna like a little whistle of a hug, babe. Here, look, look at this.
Sammy, No, Sammy. Sammy, no, I didn't mean for you to hug me.
Well, then who? Hart and Mondale. Hug them. But wait a second, sir. I'm a Republican, and they're both democrats, and if I hug them with a disastrous effect.
Oh. oh, too much, man. this is just live! This is a great idea that you have that I don't know. It's unbelievable. What great strategy to turn the tables on those cats? you are too much, man. Well, no, Sam, you're too much.
I appreciate you helping out. And, well, what can I tell you? I'm caveling already. I dig that, and that's Emma's. you know what I'm saying? And listen, I will hug these two guys right out of their whole political careers. you know what I mean, man? And give my best to Lady Nancy. And Tal to these? Thanks so much. don't be a stranger, Okay? you know what I mean? drop by next time you're there. and you up there. Take care of this cat. I mean that. Okay, babe? Love. Thanks, Sammy. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_liam_saturday_night_live | Republicans criticized President Obama this week for not releasing the strategic oil reserves to help lower the escalating oil prices. Here to comment on Obama's oil policy is Liam, the teenager who just woke up.
Hey, Liam, how's it going? I just woke up. yeah. yeah, I can see that. So, buddy, what do you think of these oil prices? I just had the craziest dream, Seth. Okay, what?
I was falling through the sky, and I saw this incredible girl. she had, like, the body of a hawk in the mind of Stephen Hawking and super-giant boobies. And then we started hooking up. And she sang to me. ooh, Liam, do you know what that's worth? you wake on your sweatpants. And then I woke up. can we please talk about Obama's energy policy? Oh, yeah, right, Obama. Yes. he was in my dream, too. But he had the body of a hawk. he was bra-hawk Obama. And he has super-big boobies. And we started hooking up. And he sang to me. I want your loving, I'm a hawk President.
Now get ready for a major wet dream. And then I woke up. Yeah, you know what? I think you should get some sleep and maybe come back every time.
Okay, no, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. Okay, okay.
Look, what Republicans fail to mention is that oil production in the U.s. is at its highest levels.
And she's like. Liam! Seth, I just had the craziest dream. What? You were asleep for three seconds.
Peter Falk was there. But he had a hawk body. Peter Fahawk.
Sure. Let me guess, he had big boobies? Yeah. and we started hooking up. And he sang to me. Oops. I did it again. hooked up with the hawk. had a second wet dream. these dreams just kind of tell you what's happening.
I just woke up. Liam, everyone! This kid Just woke up. just a minute. |
dropout | hardly_working_suck_it_out | Oh man, sandwiches are amazing. What's your favorite part?
I don't know, the bread? Um, yeah.
My debt of jeans! Oh, here, take my handkerchief.
No, no, no, the stain is starting to sell. You're gonna have to suck it out.
What?
No, just here, take, dab it in some club soda. I have a canister of it right here.
No, okay, it's already sinking in.
It needs to be your saliva on my pants. Please, now!
Amir, I'm not going to suck the stain from your thigh. That's a little bit out. Oh my god, the stain is settling and you're worried about being a little British.
Just suck it out of my jeans. Hey guys, what's the best part about eating a sandwich besides the bread? I spilled on my jeans.
Oh no, Pat, you're gonna have to suck it out with your mouth. What? You suck it out! No, it needs to be you and it needs to be now, okay?
It's starting to spread. Yeah, cause you're spreading it with your hand.
God, if you're not gonna suck it out, I'm not that somebody else. That's fine, that's what I want. No, it needs to be you.
What is going on here? Amir spilled on his jeans a minute ago. A minute ago?
Pat, you're gonna have to suck it out of his butt. What? Patricia, please.
I didn't even want to suck it out of your jeans. What would sucking it out of your butt even do? What does that mean, suck it out of your butt?
The stain's too deep. It's reached his butt, okay?
You're gonna have to suck and spit, okay? Suck, and spit.
Short, spitty breaths. That's right, short, spitty breaths.
You can't let the stain get too far into your mouth. You can't digest the stain.
You want to make sure those breaths are short, but spitty. Suck, and spit. Suck.
All right, all right, Jesus. Fine, fine. Suck it out of my butt. Sure, whatever. Gotcha. I knew it.
This whole thing was a practical joke. No, sir.
I'm a newspaper reporter, and this here's the picture of a hero. I thought the photographer said I was the hero.
I know, I thought so too, man. But you know how that shit works. They probably took the photo and changed their mind in the last second to make the article about me. Oh, whatever. |
cracked | how_to_know_if_a_girl_is_dtf_down_to_f_ck | Hello friends! Cracked writer-performer Katie Stoll here. Today I am introducing a new segment called Ask Katie Where I Choose a Subject, declare myself an expert on it, and then field your questions. To kick things off, we are tackling that age-old stumper, how to know if a girl is f***ing too f***. I can already feel your eager anticipation, so let's not waste any time. Let's get to the question box! Or whatever. Dear Katie, I heard that when you take a lady on a date and she dresses more provocatively than normal, that means that she is down to f***. Can you confirm this?
Love, Bob loves boobs. Thank you so much for your question, Bob loves boobs.
But no, no, no, I cannot confirm this. Just because a lady is showing more skins than usual doesn't mean that she wants to get naked and show you all of her skins, you dumb dumb. Okay, I probably shouldn't have called you dumb dumb. That's not how people learn. But come on, Bob.
If a woman is wearing something uncharacteristically sexy for your date, that doesn't necessarily even mean she likes you. Maybe she wants to take more fashion risks. Maybe a friend throws her outfit. Maybe she gets hot and sweaty in stressful situations and wants to stay cool. Whatever her reason is doesn't really matter.
What matters is that you shouldn't assume anything about anyone ever, and if you are hooking up with a girl and you're wondering whether or not she f*** the f***, you should just ask. If she's down, she'll tell you. Dear Katie, I read on the internet that when a woman touches and or licks her lips a lot, it means she's horny and DTF. Is this true?
LL Cool Ray. Hey, LL Cool Ray. Very cool name, bro. Very cool.
The short answer is no, that is not true, but we aren't here for the short answer and I have four to eight minutes to kill, so let's just dive right in. I do not hate to break it to you, but there are any number of reasons why a woman might be licking her lips. Maybe her mouth is dry. Maybe she ate something really yummy and can still kind of taste it. My point is, you don't know. Personally, I am constantly licking and or touching my lips. Not cuz I'm horny, cuz I am a dehydrated. Gentlemen, if you're ever with a lady who's licking and or touching her lips, my suggestion is to simply offer her water and not your dick.
If she f***ed the f***, she'd say so. Hey Katie, I'm a virgin, but I intend to fix that this year. So I googled how to know if a girl wants to sleep with you and found this elite daily article that says to look for girls who aren't holding hands with their friends. This feels like weird advice. What do you think?
Love, can't hardly wait. Hey can't hardly wait. Damn, how old are you? That's a pretty outdated reference for a virgin to be making, but also you seem very sweet, so I apologize for kind of making fun of you just now. But wait, can't hardly.
What? What does that even mean? I'm legitimately confused right now. Can we pull up a copy of that article?
So this idiot writes, if you see a girl holding hands with another girl, do not approach her. She's in her out with my bestie mode and then states that approachable girls usually stop talking to their friends to look around the room and scope out the prospects. First of all, where is this guy cruising for babes at high school dances? Because personally, I don't know very many adult women who regularly attach themselves to each other when they're out in public. But even if this horse poop isn't going down at the Sandema's high homecoming, his advice is straight-up predatory. Look, if you see me at the club and I'm not holding hands with my friends, please don't assume let him on the prowl looking for his ex. If you must assume something, assume that I am lost or have been kidnapped because there's no way I'd willfully be in a club, human chain or not. Again, and I don't mean to be a broken here, but if a woman won't fuck you, she'll say so.
Dear Katie, I am a college freshman with a swimming scholarship at a top university. I'm being groomed for the Olympics and am a real catch even though my face looks pretty dumb.
My question is this. Say I meet a girl who has been drinking heavily and I don't know her name and she isn't protesting because she also isn't coherent. Is it okay to throw myself on top of her behind a dumpster if I promise to finger her first? I mean, she should be so lucky, right? Brock Turner. Well, Brock, I'm glad you took the time to ask me this question, even though you didn't take the time to ask her. Because this right here, this is important.
Just because a girl has been drinking doesn't mean she wants to bone. Just because she's dancing with you doesn't mean she wants to bone. Just because she kisses you doesn't mean she wants to bone. And I really do hate how many times I'm saying bone right now because it is a terrible euphemism, but if she is too drunk to be considered conscious, that definitely doesn't mean she wants to bone.
In fact, I would love it if we just took alcohol out of the sex picture entirely. I know alcohol can loosen us up, but it's also a poisonous liquid that makes people behave irrationally. So, you know, you're trying to avoid accidentally raping someone. That seems like a great place to start.
Also, according to a California law about sexual consent on college campuses, of which you should now be intimately familiar, affirmative consent means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. The law further specifies that lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent. Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. So, basically, we are all legally bound to have affirmative consent before engaging in any kind of pants off partying.
In other words, if you want to hook up with a woman, ask. If she says yes, well, then congrats. For some reason, she is down to fuck, you f***ing fuck.
Hey guys, thank you so much for watching my video. Hit like, hit subscribe, do all the things that you know you have to do right now because you're legally obligated to since you just watched this video. And while you're at it, why don't you hit me up in the comments and and and let me know what other kind of hard-hitting questions you'd like me to answer. Thanks so much.
Peace. Oh. Ask Katie where I choose a subject, declare myself an expert on it, and then field your questions. To kick things off, we are tackling that age-old stumper, how to know if a girl is f***ing too f***. I can already feel your eager anticipation, so let's not waste any time. Let's get to the question box or whatever. Dear Katie, I heard that when you take a lady on a date and she dresses more provocatively than normal, that means that she is down to f***. Can you confirm this?
Love, Bob loves boobs. Thank you so much for your question, Bob loves boobs, but no, no, no, I cannot confirm this.
Just because a lady is showing more skins than usual doesn't mean that she wants to get naked and show you all of her skins, you dumb dumb. Okay, I probably shouldn't have called you dumb dumb. That's not how people learn, but come on, Bob.
If a woman is wearing something uncharacteristically sexy for your date, that doesn't necessarily even mean she likes you. Maybe she wants to take more fashion risks. Maybe a friend throws her outfit. Maybe she gets hot and sweaty in stressful situations and wants to stay cool. Whatever her reason is doesn't really matter.
What matters is that you shouldn't assume anything about anyone ever, and if you are hooking up with a girl and you're wondering whether or not she f***ed the f***, you should just ask. If she's down, she'll tell you. Dear Katie, I read on the internet that when a woman touches and or licks her lips a lot, it means she's horny and DTF. Is this true?
LL Cool Ray. Hey, LL Cool Ray. Very cool name, bro. Very cool.
The short answer is no. That is not true, but we aren't here for the short answer and I have four to eight minutes to kill, so let's just dive right in. I do not hate to break it to you, but there are any number of reasons why a woman might be licking her lips. Maybe her mouth is dry. Maybe she ate something really yummy and can still kind of taste it. My point is you don't know. Personally, I am constantly licking and or touching my lips. Not cuz I'm horny, cuz I am dehydrated. Gentlemen, if you're ever with a lady who's licking and or touching her lips, my suggestion is to simply offer her water and not your dick.
If she f***ed the f***, she'd say so. Hey Katie, I'm a virgin, but I intend to fix that this year. So I googled how to know if a girl wants to sleep with you and found this Elite Daily article that says to look for girls who aren't holding hands with their friends. This feels like weird advice. What do you think?
Love can't hardly wait. Hey can't hardly wait. Damn, how old are you? That's a pretty outdated reference for a virgin to be making, but also you seem very sweet, so I apologize for kind of making fun of you just now. But wait, can't hardly.
What? What does that even mean? I'm legitimately confused right now. Can we pull up a copy of that article?
So this idiot writes, if you see a girl holding hands with another girl, do not approach her. She's in her out with my bestie mode. And then states that approachable girls usually stop talking to their friends to look around the room and scope out the prospects. First of all, where is this guy cruising for babes? At high school dances? Because personally, I don't know very many adult women who regularly attach themselves to each other when they're out in public. But even if this horse poop isn't going down at the San Dimas High Homecoming, his advice is straight-up predatory. Look, if you see me at the club and I'm not holding hands with my friends, please don't assume that I'm on the prowl looking for his ex. If you must assume something, assume that I am lost or have been kidnapped because there's no way I'd willfully be in a club, human chain or not.
Again, and I don't mean to be a broken here, but if a woman won't fuck you, she'll say so. Dear Katie, I am a college freshman with a swimming scholarship at a top university. I'm being groomed for the Olympics and am a real catch even though my face looks pretty dumb. My question is this. Say I meet a girl who has been drinking heavily and I don't know her name and she isn't protesting because she also isn't coherent. Is it okay to throw myself on top of her behind a dumpster if I promise to finger her first? I mean, she should be so lucky, right? Brock Turner. Well, Brock, I'm glad you took the time to ask me this question even though you didn't take the time to ask her because this right here, this is important.
Just because a girl has been drinking doesn't mean she wants to bone. Just because she's dancing with you doesn't mean she wants to bone. Just because she kisses you doesn't mean she wants to bone. And I really do hate how many times I'm saying bone right now because it is a terrible euphemism, but if she is too drunk to be considered conscious, that definitely doesn't mean she wants to bone.
In fact, I would love it if we just took alcohol out of the sex picture entirely. I know, alcohol can loosen us up, but it's also a poisonous liquid that makes people behave irrationally. So, you know, you're trying to avoid accidentally raping someone. That seems like a great place to start.
Also, according to a California law about sexual consent on college campuses, of which you should now be intimately familiar, affirmative consent means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. The law further specifies that lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent. Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. So basically, we are all legally bound to have affirmative consent before engaging in any kind of pants-off partying.
In other words, if you want to hook up with a woman, ask. If she says yes, well then, congrats. For some reason, she is down to fuck, you fucking fuck. You're legally obligated to since you just watched this video. And while you're at it, why don't you hit me up in the comments and and and let me know what other kind of hard-hitting questions you'd like me to answer. Thanks so much. Peace! |
dropout | gale_beggy_sleepover | Oh my god I love this nail polish color. I know. Oh my god. I'm so sorry I'm late. I had to do something with my calendars. There's the queen of the party.
Tanya, don't even. So what do you guys want to do? I was thinking we could all tell scary stories. No! He stabbed me!
Okay, my sexy confession. When I was with Danny I hooked up with his best friend at his parents house. My sexy confession? When Nick and I were at Ohio State, I made up with two guys at the same time. And he wasn't one of them. Okay, my sexy confession. One time I took a big ol' dump and I pushed into his bathtub.
My boobs are so small. Whatever, you have great boobs. No, you have great boobs. I hate my boobs. No, you have great boobs, yeah.
Never have I ever masturbated. Never have I ever had a threesome. Never have I ever...
The mother... Wow, girl. How'd you make that noise with your mouth? Well, it's easy, Danny. It just got like this. Do you ever think the world is just one big show just for you? Oh my god, yeah. Like when you turn your back the whole world stops without you. Yeah.
You know, the end of the world is coming. The skies will fall, the machines will rise. You madly will be but an afterthought to the followers, the aliens. They will come and they will steal our children and our lifeblood. And there won't make many survivors.
You guys want to hit this roach? Hey, you all want to play mouse? You mean house?
Paint tire irons. Paint toenails?
Stiff as a falcon, light as a spritz. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. No, stiff as a falcon, light as this spritz. It's a great guy.
Sure. How do you play? Okay, everyone does this. Okay, you do clunky arms. Okay, you get really stiff. Okay, now it's this breath stiff. You're a ghost. Hey, you guys want to play truth or dare? Yes. Okay, I'll go first. Sarah, truth or dare? Um, truth. Okay.
Have you ever had sex in public? Maybe. Gail, truth or dare? What? Have you ever made out with a boy? Yeah, many times. Gail, do you even know what making out is? Yeah, it's when you get in and you take two and you turn mom to them and they make things your pictures. Okay, Gail, I dare you to kiss Sarah.
Gail? Sorry, Sam. Sorry, Gail. Gail, I've been looking everywhere for you.
Come on, let's go take a big old dump and push it into a bathtub. Ooh, sexy confession. |
TheOnion | Area_Man_Panics_After_Accidentally_Liking_381_Of_His_Ex_Girlfriend_s_Facebook_Photos | Shortly after accidentally clicking like on nearly 400 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos earlier today, panicked area man Adam Nuensing spoke to Onion reporters about his mistake. God damn it, I was just looking at one of Rebecca's Instagram photos that showed up on my newsfeed, and the next thing I know, I just liked every single photo that she posted over the last four years. I didn't mean to, but it just kind of happened. The 28-year-old told reporters that he had browsed through 14 of his ex-girlfriend's photo albums while inadvertently clicking like on each and every picture, including dozens from her office picnic last fall, her trip to New York in 2010, and a photo of her and her first boyfriend from 2006. I thought if I went back and clicked unlike on all those pictures that maybe she wouldn't get any notifications, but then I saw some other albums and I ended up liking 80 more photos and shared them on my wall. Shit. God damn it. That looks like I just shared the last 40 status updates too. Shit. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_three_normal_goths_snl | What are you guys up to this weekend? I am taking my fiance apple picking. really exciting. Oh, the old Ball and Chain. Lovely. Meanwhile, I'm over here going on a date with my Netflix account.
Oh, my God. you, Ben Marshall, take Ozark Season Four as your lawfully wedded wife. I do, I do. this is a joke. Yeah, and we're all kidding aside. you'll find someone. you're a great guy. Oh, thank you. you're so hoping.
Be normal, guys, not a single weird thing about them. they're living their lives from day to day in a totally regular way. Three normal guys. pizza time. Oh, yeah. pizza and nachos? am I adulting, right? Treat yourself. Hey, guys, I want abs. I really do, but I want pizza more. they're three normal guys with confessional taste. three normal guys. you know, who's just, like, hilarious? Peter Griffin. yep. they use the normal people about them, and they try to stay in there, you can change.
Fml? The Beatles aren't on Spotify? those rant bastards? they'll pay for what they did. sometimes the jokes don't land. knock, knock. yoo-wee! Why? just saying hi to my three favorite co-workers. Oh, come on. Anyway, I'll leave you to it. have a good one. see ya. Bye. can we talk about that hat? Oh, my god.
I was going to say. who are you calling? I don't even want to say. who are you calling?
The Fashion Police. Oh, my god. you were bad. they're surprisingly judgy when it comes to other people's fashion choices.
Hey, John. mm-hmm. did you? what? did you change something? Oh, yeah. I tattooed my eyeballs. Oh. just spicing it up for the summertime. he made his eyes black for the summertime. remember Cancun? Yep. it was Loco. honestly, the whole time, I was kind of like, i miss my doggo.
Oh, Buster. they've got a normal guy, dogs, and got kids too. They also have a newbie, Disney, and us. Three normal guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | maya_rudolph_mother_s_day_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Maya Rudolph! So good to be back, And for the Mother's Day episode of that. for me, it's extra special because I am a four-time mom. that's right, I have four beautiful kids. that I know of. Hey, Maya. hi, all. Hi, Mom and Sierra. hey, guys. we just wanted to say happy Mother's Day. Aw, thank you.
But, Maya, look. you're not just a mom. you're mother. you're a 30-rack legend. you've had your foot on our necks since y2k. Oh. really? of course. you were the first to slay the House Down Boots Queen. you have achieved extraterrestrial mother status. Me? Mother? you're right. ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr. Infinity Decor. we did not come to play with you hoes. we came to slay bitch. and also do some comedy bits. Oh, yes. this is Maya's house now. Ladies and gentlemen, Gays and Fays, I give to you Mother of the House of Rockefeller. I'm your mother.
I'm your oops. I made you dance. Remember in that movie when I pooped my pants? when you were a baby, you pooped your pants and I changed your diaper. I'm your mother. who coined sweater weather? And you got a call made of leather. I did. I also said clean your room.
I'm your mother. it's Mother's Day, y'all. Today we celebrate all kinds of mothers. stepmothers. godmothers. mothers from another brother. dance moms. octomoms.
What about dog moms? What about them? And honey, that's not a dog. that's a bitch.
I'm your mother. I'm your bow down children. I'm your mama. giving queen. giving drama. This place gave you coneheads. it's 11.30. Go to bed. Who's your favorite funchie? it's me, Pamela Hunchie. I will also turn this car around. if you don't, stop hitting your sister. I'm your mother.
Maya, Maya. Maya. not now, child. mother is mothering.
I know. But I have a message from the games. the monologue is giving. Baddie, Yaddie, Yaddie. Yes, Mother. the results are in 10. 10. I'm gagged. Say last. I'm your Baba Wawa.
Debbie Dee. Sweeney Sisters. Angie Lee.
Martha Stewart. Gabe Goodhair. Mary Katherine Gallagher. Lisa from Temecula. giving gorgeous. serving pretty. they did it. Live from New York City. |
dropout | the_truth_about_ancient_gladiators_adam_ruins_everything | The Colosseum. It was in this vaunted arena that the masses satisfied their bloodlust as they watched lethal and skilled gladiators fight to the death. As slaves or prisoners of war, these gladiators were forced into battle and had but one choice win or die. Sometimes the only hope of a fallen gladiator lie in the whims of the Roman Emperor. Will this fallen warrior survive to fight another day, or will he be fed to the lions? Actually, gladiatorial contests were way more tame than this, so whoever told you this version must have been lion.
Oh god, no puns. What are you talking about, Adam?
This was blood sports. Nope. In fact, for most of gladiatorial history, intentionally killing your opponent was against the rules. That's why only 1 in 10 matches ended in a death. But I thought gladiatorial combat was pure mayhem. They actually had rules? Yep, as well as umpires to enforce them.
Alright gents, I've got a good clean fight. No headshots from behind, no eye gouging, and be sure to keep those genitals well covered. We don't want anyone losing their bits. Touch weapons and fight!
Yeah!
And these umpires were scrupulously fair. In fact, if your opponent fell by accident, the umpire would stop the match and let him get up.
Please, let me help. Nah, you're too kind. But the most important rule? No killing. Gladiators were actually trained to subdue their opponents, rather than flat out kill them. Beware my deadly tridents! Which is mostly just for show, I'm really more of a net guy. But if no one dies, how do we know who wins? Easy! The match would actually end when a gladiator was wounded, got too tired, or just held up a finger to tap out.
Oh!
Okay, I give up! I give up!
What? But that cuts down on all the awesome murders and decapitations. Why would they do that? Because gladiators were expensive. Many were fed, clothed, housed, armed, and trained by owners called Lannister.
You're up next, kid. I want you to float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and avoid damage like an uninsured rental car. Go! And it would be a very poor investment if half of your roster was killed every match. Oh god, no! This resale value is ruined! Thanks a lot!
That's why archeological evidence suggests gladiators had healthy diets and received quality medical care. Due to all of this, some gladiators were able to fight in upwards of 40 battles, similar to a modern-day boxer. And improving his record to 40 and oh, the Butcher from VEDACOR!
Ah, it's just a stage name, folks. I wouldn't butcher anyone. I'm a professional. Alright, maybe the matches were safer than I thought, but it doesn't matter because at any moment, the Emperor could decide to kill them. Sorry.
While on occasion, an Emperor or a sponsor would demand a fight to the death, it was rare and generally frowned upon. In fact, Rome's first Emperor outlawed fights to the death entirely. I decree this arena death-free!
You know how hard it is to get blood out of sand? But the spectators? Didn't untamed masses thirst for blood? Nope, they were actually more like fans at a sporting event. Objecture! Let's go, let's go! The truth is, being a gladiator was a lot like being a modern celebrity athlete. There's portraits graced the walls of public places, children played with small clay gladiator dolls, and the most successful fighters even commercially endorsed products.
On the field, you may know me as the Butcher, but off the field, I'm just a guy who loves fish. And I always get my fish at Octavius's fishmongering. There's no fish like an Octavius fish. |
cracked | ghost_file_05_faceboooook | Michael turn on your computer and put the little arrow on the fox. I need to show you something This is about Sarge's email Sarge emailed us. He wants us to oh You check your email now. Yeah on my phone my big Desk phone the phone that's right in front computer Great he wants us to create a Facebook page for cracked fans And who wants it done by the end of the day so I reserve us a conference room and the heli carriers on stand Damn, I'm on it. Are you okay? I'm sorry. I did most of it before lunch. I'm gonna finish after all right Right, but he wants it done by the end of today, so I figured if we both am guy. I'm on it, okay You weren't around so I took care of it Okay good great then I guess I'm not I guess You're all set there. Yep now if you'll excuse me Oh, yeah, no you've got it looks like a What is what is going on there I Just watched the wire I'm going through a phase my crab phase okay, well uh let me know if you Need anything I guess ah All right, I guess I better get started on this Facebook everyone's been talking about including me Ah Perfect these are the correct things for this And I know like a year ago. I would have loved to not have the babysim but You know I guess I thought we were like a Team yeah, maybe you're spending too much time with me This is literally the first time you let me see you in three weeks. I thought you move I organized search parties this one stuff Yeah, that's probably it too much time together.
How could that possibly? Keeping this I'm Mandy Mandy Jesus Christ what happened? Why do they whisper Dan? Why do they whisper?
You have your shoe shoe I Told him just to dot the eyes Michael Have you done? Man, I made the Facebook. I mean I didn't think it was all gonna fit at first But uh then I found a way to cut a few corners and chins if you know what I mean Well at first it was hard to get people but once I realized that there's a children's cemetery right by my house Things really came together So why didn't why don't you ask me for help on the Facebook yesterday ah oh You've been spending so much time with Mandy lately. I figured she said the exact same thing So I'll have the other kind of Facebook turnout good. We got one of the interns to do it's getting a Get a lot of fans good. I mean you know if that's what you wanted it for Yeah, it is Michael you don't still have the Thing no God no mailed it to your parents superpoke |
cracked | 8_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_the_foxnews_fatcops_report | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting down the eight things that pissed me off in Neil Cavuto's report on the LAPD's decision to hire a nutritionalist.
As you'll see, for some reason, Neil wanted to turn this fluff piece into a debate. Or maybe he was flirting. Or having a psychotic episode. The folks who run the Los Angeles Police Department apparently aren't so sure about their guys, so they've just hired a full-time diet coach. The Trish and the Scary Glassman is here.
So you like this? I think it's an excellent idea.
You want your policeman able to jump, run, beat up bad guys, be strong, and not have a heart attack. But I remember as a kid, Cannon. Remember him? For those of you who failed your 70s detective TV exam, he's talking about morbidly obese Frank Cannon. Although, I'm not sure why. He's a big guy.
He chased down the guys. Well, he could have probably chased them down a little bit better.
Yeah. But no. Wait, was he fat? Yes, Neil.
Cannon was fat. Barney B. Jones was old. Kojak was bald. But what are you saying? That cops should be fat like Cannon?
Dan, do we have that video of the guy chasing him again? Ah! Don't stare at the camera. Look at Cavuto. He's about to show the clip again for some reason. Hey, there he is again. Look at this dude. Okay, watch this.
He's fit. Look at him go. Yeah, he is fit.
So I guess we want our police to be chasing down. We want them to be strong.
Right. So, do you get it now? But you're not saying that all cops should be thin and fit, right? Yes, that is what she's saying. Cops should be fit. And your rebuttal? I need to watch those old Cannon episodes because he was a little fat guy who just outran like everybody. That's not an argument. Tell him, smiley lady.
But he was an anomaly. He wasn't the norm. He wasn't real.
Don't fall for Cavuto's mind games. Don't you see? He can't give you one good reason cops should be fat. But in the end when he catches the guy just sit on him, it's a moot point. Tune in next week when Neil analyzes Barack Obama's presidential bid solely through references to the Jeffersons. That's hate by numbers.
And that's all. For now. |
dropout | what_s_inside_donald_trump_s_pockets | Hello, I'm Donald Trump, and I'm gonna give you an unprecedented look inside my luxurious pockets. This is a pocket button. It doesn't have the pin on the back, so it goes in my pocket.
It's fantastic. Some people on my staff, who aren't me, have wigs. I enjoy taping them. Call me a people person. I like taking care of my workers. This is a credit card made from the foreskin of several of my favorite NBA players. The rewards are huge. I mean, I know all these guys. They've donated to my campaign. That white corner there is John Stockton.
I can't see my reflection. Maybe I'm too busy. Maybe I'm a vampire.
So what, who cares? One time I came out looking like a real Mexican, a fun day for my organization, and I'm sure the Mexican people, whom I love.
Look, it's not Viagra, it's aspirin, from my penis. Oh, that's a snack. That's actually an old hors d'oeuvre. This is me, but tiny and gold. Okay, this is good. This book belonged to Biff. Now it belongs to me because, frankly, I mean, we're the same person. Ah, this is my invention. It's called the Trump. Simple, elegant. We've already received fantastic feedback. So you know what's mine. You know, when the head of your penis gets a headache, it needs aspirin.
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more videos.
Or don't click at all. I don't give a fuck. I do. I give many fucks. |
cracked | 4_disturbing_pokemon_secrets_nintendo_wants_us_to_forget_about_canonball | Pokemon is the most successful franchise to faithfully follow us from childhood all the way into man-childhood, at least of the ones where the creator didn't make a reputational suicide pact with Dave Chappelle and John Cleese. But that's not because the people behind Pokemon are paragons of sanity, but rather because they're very successful at channeling their madness into profit. And also there are people behind the scenes, doing everything they can to bury the borderline intolerably weird shit from us Westerners.
Sure, Pikachu was supposed to get curb-stopped by a mobster in Conquer's Bad Fur Day. And sure, Registheel originally performed a fascist salute, which I'll admit I did not ... anticipate. But I'd rather get into the truly bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of secured LEAF pages that honestly we kinda wished Pikachu could electrocute out of our frontal lobes.
We're talking interspecies marriage, child-murdering balloons, and purvey old men from outer space! This is cannonball. Number 4. Balloons that will kill your svelter children. Meet Drifloon, a cute little balloon-shaped Pokemon that's as adorable as he is canonically murderous. He's like Pennywise, if Pennywise was the balloon.
See, in Pokemon Diamond, it's stated that Drifloon is, quote, a Pokemon formed by the spirits of people and Pokemon. It loves damp, humid seasons. Look, crossing humans with Pokemon is weird. More on that later, unfortunately. And damp is both a bad word and a bad state of being. But those are more opinion than fact. Maybe Drifloon's original thing was trying to evolve into a water balloon. Maybe Hitmonchan is a skilled and generous lover. We just don't know and we shouldn't judge. In Pokemon Pearl, however, things get weirder. Now Drifloon, quote, tugs on the hands of children to steal them away. However, it gets pulled around instead.
Okay, so now he's full-on evil and probably clammy as hell. But kids are too stupid to notice that he doesn't want hugs, he wants death.
Probably, they never really specify. So maybe he just wants to drag children away so he can befriend them somewhere. Except, nope.
Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver are peppered with several rumors of kids vanishing after mistaking Drifloon's for regular balloons. Which, I mean, it's got a face and arms and stuff. Kids are stupid. Then, for Pokemon Sun, the makers decided, okay, our players are all grown up now and they deserve to know the whole story. Yeah, Drifloon's are not merely kidnapping kids, but straight up murdering them. According to the Pokedex, stories go that it grabs the hands of small children and drags them away to the afterlife. It dislikes heavy children.
This guy is a murderer and a fat shamer. I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
The good news is that, according to the Pokedex in Moon, killing a Drifloon would be extremely satisfying because, quote, if for some reason its body bursts, its soul spills out with a screaming sound. Yeah, fuck you, balloon.
But maybe you're like, whatever, I'm not a kid anymore. And I'm also super heavy. Do your worst, you busted-up old Jimmy hat.
But it's important to note that Drifloon evolves into Drifblim, a Pokemon who, quote, carries people and Pokemon when it flies. But since it only drifts, it can end up anywhere. Additionally, there's a rumor that if you catch a Drifblim floating on the wind at dusk, you'll be carried away to the afterlife. How is that possible? Well, apparently, the raw material for the gas inside its body is souls. And, some say this Pokemon is a collection of souls burdened with regrets, silently drifting through the dusk.
Meaning, yes, these balloons will drag you to hell. Or, at least purgatory. Unless you're fat. Maybe. Number three.
Pokemon and humans used to get married. In Pokemon's Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum, players can visit a library to read books of folk tales. It's a delightful way to kill time in between bouts of animal cruelty. Folk Story 3 tells of Pokemon that were once so close to humans, they ate at the same table and were considered equals. Which seems harmless enough until you consider that those same creatures were later used for cockfighting and slave labor. And that's pulling from the sanitized American and European version. The original Japanese version says, There were once Pokemon that married people. There were once people that married Pokemon. This was a normal thing, because long ago, people and Pokemon were the same.
Now, I'm going to take the high road here, and ignore the impure implications of this type of animal husbandry. This actually gets super dark in context. Folk Story 1 is all about thanking the Pokemon you eat, and making sure to pick their bones clean. Okay, you know what? Sue me. I am judging people who marry Pokemon. At one time in the Pokemon world, Pikachu and co. looked both tasty enough to eat and tasty enough to eat. And then, yeah, forced to fight and be slaves and stuff. Number 2.
They patched out tons of creepy old men. One of which was an alien? Say hello to Mysterious Man. His whole thing is spying on people from behind a rock.
That's it. That's all he does.
He even says he's quote, just a mysterious man in true Pokemon fashion. But of course, this is the internet and nobody's content with mystery. So a bunch of players went nuts trying to discover this geezer's identity or purpose or whatever. Well, turns out he's a goddamn alien!
But he's not even the creepiest variety of old dude in the Pokemon world. The Japanese version is also filled with disgraced gamblers that are turned into either gamers or private detectives, despite not looking a thing like either of those. In the Western version, we also have an old man who doesn't let us pass because he hasn't had his coffee yet. He's just very sleepy, like maybe one of his ancestors hooked up with a Snorlax back in the good old days. But the original Pull No Punch's Japanese version provides a much simpler answer.
That dude is just passed out drunk. Sure, in a world where kids ditch school to go kidnap animals, being drunk is the thing that needs to be censored.
Also, in the various games where you visit Celadon City, you can walk around Celadon City Gym, a very competition-focused gym, to find old men peeking through the windows. Nothing weird, they're just watching trainers get stronger. In the US version of the game, these men are basically Twitch viewers from a time before Twitch. But the Japanese version makes it clear why so many creepy old bachelors flock here. Celadon City Gym is an all-female gym.
To their credit, they're not even all that bothered by getting caught. They happily admit that they're there for the sake of scoping babes. So, just like real Twitch viewers.
Number one, the Ferris wheel of cross-dressing nurses and pedophilic hikers. When playing the US version of Pokemon Black and White, players meet a nurse and take her on a ferris wheel.
That's kind of an odd thing for a 16-year-old and a complete stranger to do, but the brief interaction ends with a mundane conversation about fear of heights, and presumably a tacit agreement not to tell any authorities about this. However, if you were to play the Japanese version, the character would instead introduce themselves as a female nurse, only to later reveal that they're actually a man pretending to be a woman. His reason is that the hospital was only hiring women. So basically it was just the plot of a weird 80's rom-com. But the whole thing becomes dumber, sweatier, and more oddly offensive from there. The game gives players no say on the matter, and the scene transitions in a way that makes it look like they nursed the hell out of the player.
But that's just one ferris wheel, buddy.
Meet Hiker Natsumi. He isn't sneaky like the nurse, he's very forward. Despite, again, being too old for your literal child character, he says things like, We've warmed up both our bodies and souls, so let's head into the ferris wheel. Come along, boy.
Ho ho, sure is humid, like a sauna boy, I tell you what. Ah, it's so hot, you're really sweating, boy.
By the way, boy, have you ever had a lover? He's basically two seconds away from asking if you've ever seen a grown man naked or been in a Turkish prison. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments and let us know if you've ever seen a grown man naked or been in a Turkish prison.
Come on, we're not doing the naked man stuff. Don't censor my art. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_dick_cheney_saturday_night_live | And now, an important special address from the President-elect of the United States of America. Hello, America. I'm Dick Cheney. and I am as thrilled as is medically prudent for me to be to have been elected your new Vice President. I come before you tonight to assure every citizen that I will work for you to strengthen our listing economy.
Now, if you make less than $264,000 a year, I'm gonna ask you to please turn the channel. go ahead. darn it! there's probably some Nascar on. Good. now I can speak freely. Listen. put all your money into defense stocks and move to a gated community because there's gonna be some pissed off poor people in the next four years.
Dick Time! Hey, Uncle Dick.
I still laugh when I say your name. what do you want, boy? I'm on Tv.
Oh, you are? Hello, America. we are working on building a bipartisan bridge so that America may prosper. did I do that? Well? Yeah, yeah, that was great.
Now, will you please let me finish this? that decision is very prudent, Dick. your name's Dick. compassionate conservatism. I'd like to take this time to address concerns about my health and the fact that George W. is only a heartbeat away from the Presidency.
Well, from now on, I'm gonna be hooked up to a portable heart monitor at all times. Turn this baby On. The sounds of this monitor will comfort all who hear it, reminding them that Dick Cheney is alive and relatively well.
Now, for this segment of my address, I'd like to ask all viewers who make less than $7.8 million a year to please turn the channel. Good. Now, let's get into the sweet-ass tax breaks I lined up for you all. beyond getting rid of the state tax. Hey, Dick. hey, Karl Rove, what are you doing out here?
Well, if you check your monitor, Dick, I think you'll find that you're dead. I Am dead. I've been dead for about a minute. hey, that's a nice tie.
Thanks. yeah. I think I got this at a Burlington Coke Factory. I hear they got some good deals. they do. Hey, we should probably get your heart beating again. Yeah, yeah, right. I appreciate it, Karl. Sure, sure. you got the time. the summer wind came blowing in across the Bay. that should do it. Ah, thank you, Karl. sure thing.
Now, we're talking about tax breaks. Trent Lott and I are going to cut the capital gains tax like one of those hippies at a Beatles concert.
Now, excuse me, Uncle Dick. I was wondering since technically I am the President, if I could keep this dog I found in the parking lot. my cabinet and I have decided to name him awesome dude. Sure. keep it. keep the dog. Now, please.
Damn, I'm dead again. Damn, this is getting annoying. I've been dying a lot lately.
I've got to cut down on the stacums. let me get Karl. All right, don't say anything. Karl, a little help.
I'm dead over here. underwear. live from New York. it's Saturday night. we'll be right back. |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Andrew_Luck_Questionable_After_Finding_Out_About_Death | Owner's box brought to you by Lenovo you need a computer to play fantasy football might as well be this one When all your friends are gone and football is all you have left, you know, you're inside the owner's box I'm Perry big well with a special Monday night Perry preview Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is Questionable tonight against the Giants after finding out about death last week with the passing of his pet guinea pig lady The young player was visibly shaken up at practice asking reporters quote.
Does that mean coach Pagano is gonna die?
What about Reggie Wayne and me Perry state yet?
Can't rely on a quarterback to run your offense if he's struggling with the very concept of mortality This guy's a million-dollar pro ballplayer not to mention the centerpiece for thousands of fantasy squads And now all he's doing is hugging teammates and begging them not to die luck owners You're better off benching your QB this week and trading for someone like Colin Kaepernick who already knows about death and thinks it's cool |
SaturdayNightLive | espn_s_first_take_nba_snl | To first take Espn's home for the hottest sports takes. I'm Molly Quorum, here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith. Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. This, this right here, this is a good morning. And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins. Stephen, I'm sorry, brother, but you watch, you wrong go this way, you know? this is actually a great morning, Okay? historically, it goes this morning right here, okay? And then the morning where Jesus came back and then where we at right here is number three. All right, let's carry the hell on. Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rappaport. yo, yo, yo, what up, Molly? I make this quick, cause I got a long day ahead of me of walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a fricking idiot and yelling it on my phone.
Well, listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you're so fricking wrong, all right?
Because it's a fricking spectacular day. the Rangers are in the playoffs. the Yankees are in first place. and the Jets are undefeated cause the season hasn't started. Oh, okay, okay. guys, guys, let's remember: it's 10 a.m. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up, Okay? Four teams are left in the Nba playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas versus Golden State.
Luca Donchick versus Steph Curry. So, who you got, Donchick or Curry?
Molly, I've thought about this question very deeply. I've consulted with my family, my friends, and my doctor. And today, I must've, cause he's the greatest, and he can't. And Molly, I've personally seen him do this. shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first glass seat on an airplane and stay with me. six hours later, the ball swishes into a basket and medicines we're guarding.
Stephen Day, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I mean, sure, he scored 32 last game, but my man Luca got a 40 piece and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces, Okay? Your man Steph is too short. the boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair. All right, Michael, you're the tie breaker, Steph or Luca?
Yo, man, I'm not even watching the playoffs. I thought you were a huge fan of basketball. Yo, you're freaking wrong about that, right? Look, I'm a fan of the Knicks, and that's not basketball. it's players, playing in layups off the bottom of the fricking rim. it's fans catching foul basketballs. it's leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as fricking angry. that's the real Nba, you fricking worm. Oh, come on, come on, that ain't real.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, please calm down. we just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. All right, let's get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense, which brings us to our next big sports question.: is a hot dog a sandwich?
Molly, this is the toughest decision I've ever had to make, and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator.
Listen, in tour, in an Oscar Maya's Wienermobile. as a day, I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is, no, no, no, no. Steve and I, somebody done gone oops, upside your head again. a hot dog is a sandwich. in the same way, cereal is a soup. Oh, cereal is a soup. cereal is a soup. cereal is a soup. Come on, now, soup is only a soup because you gots to cook it. Oh, is that right, perk? Oh, you got a cooked soup, huh?
Well, I got one boy that's gonna knock the beard right off your fricking smug face. Cuz Bacho, Oh. Oh, I guess somebody forgot the fricking cuisine of Spain. Hey, that's sports. hold on, good spot, yo, ain't no soup. that's just a salsa that went to finishing school. let's get rid of her, huh? Okay, guys, let's take a break. so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. But when we come back, we'll ask the sports question on everybody's mind. does Bigfoot exist?
Oh, hell yeah, hell yeah. that stinky little freak walked into my house one time and then I saved him down and we went to the club. Oh, come on, Perk, well. hey, hey, hey, invite me next time. All right, you won. Oh, you the club? ain't nobody had you, Perk, well. no! |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_jesus_christ_was_also_the_tooth_fairy | Don't forget to put those teeth under that pillow of yours. You never know who might visit. Dad, don't you think I'm a little too old for the tooth fairy? You never know, sons. Dad, can you just give me the money tomorrow?
Hello. Who are you? I'm Jesus Christ. Okay. Why are you here?
I'm here for your teeth. What? Your teeth. I take them from under your pillow.
In exchange, I give you money. Do you not know how this works?
Isn't that the tooth fairy's job? Tommy, the tooth fairy isn't real.
No, I know that- It's been me the whole time.
Yeah, that's what's weird. Think about it.
Who gives you presents on my birthday? Who hides all the eggs around Easter time?
Well, I just thought my parents did all that. Well, no, you're right. Your parents do hide the eggs. Alright. I just lay them.
Jesus Christ is your name. And teeth are the game. I, uh, I don't want to give you my teeth. Really? I tied on the cross for your sins. The least you can do is spare me a molar. I just don't- They're already out of your mouth.
What are you going to do with them?
I mean, it's teeth. Do you really want to know?
I'm just going to throw them away. Alright. I'm just going to fish them out of the trash when you're asleep.
Look, you're going to want to give me your pearly white if you want to get through the pearly gates. What? Are you serious? Nah, I'm just kidding. Give me your teeth. Look, I'm not a little kid.
I don't need a bunch of quarters. Quarters? I was going to give you 600 cash. 600?
Son, have you seen my Bible? Peter. Jesus. You've been sinning.
I know. A lot. I know. |
dropout | no_sex_or_go_vegan_for_a_year | Hey, I'm Strudy. This is Amir. We're from CollegeHumor.com. We're here in New York City asking people some axe dirty dilemma questions.
Would you rather go celibate for a year, no sex for a year, or go vegan for a year? The only thing I eat is meat, but I would definitely eat vegetarian for a year. Being that I'm on a walk of shame right now and there's a razor and shaving cream in my bag, along with socks for work, I would have to go with being vegan for a year.
Being a couple that wears matching outfits or being a couple that has matching haircuts. Matching outfits. See, he hasn't thought this through because you could just grow your hair out to a nice compromised length. Yeah, an average. Yeah, and then you would both have acceptable haircuts. Yeah, I think I'd go with the dress because I'd look good in a dress and I don't think I'd look good with her long hair. Yeah, I'd rather go with haircuts. Are you crazy?
If your ex tells all in a book or your ex uploads a home movie, sex tape. Now here's the thing about the tape though, you gotta imagine everyone in your life is gonna go, like if I heard one of my friends had a sex tape online, I would be watching that thing in a heartbeat, you know, that'd be my first thing every day, I would go watch it. So you know, your mom, your grandma, everybody's gonna be watching that. My mom's actually already seen my sex tapes, I don't think she'd really be taken aback by that. A bad sex tape, she'd probably be very upset with me though. |
dropout | picnicface_lawyers | I take the jobs no other law firms want I'm Larry the sledgero also poverty give you the money take the money is my feed put you back on the streets impotent wanna baby I'll fuck your wife and sue her for adultery you'll get full custody Larry fuck my wife and I got to keep the kid then I got to fuck Larry's wife thanks Larry still not convinced then you can fuck my wife two four even six times but never three were you just sexually harassed by me in this head I will sue me on behalf of you and win I won't stand a chance against me bullshit nobody beats Larry Larry you're the man I have a strong support staff focusing on your specific injury suck Johnson I'm out of the ordinary you look like Gary Busey I can get you money for that I'll sit in the cherry box and me shit you're not serious when you talk to my secretary fuck me fuck both of them growing up I always wanted to be the first man to walk on the moon but then I found on the alarm strong beat me to the punch Larry helped me get at what I deserved from Neil Armstrong Larry Larry why'd you fuck my wife I'm literally the sledge-rosin shake on it were you injured by the lawyer injury ad you just saw did you think that Larry was a real person trapped inside a tiny box and try and reach through the glass to shake his hand and subsequently break your head on the television screen I'm Greg the sledge vanquisher math is in and I've been having Larry for 18 years I'm out of that bomb shelter you call off isn't deal with me what are you chicken did that last reference to chicken make you hungry I'm a bag of sandwiches Oh |
cracked | a_valentine_s_day_parent_teacher_conference | Hey, can we make this quick? I'm on my lunch break. Thanks for coming, Mr. Vesser. I'm sorry for the short notice, but I got a call from Ms. Matheson here, and I thought we should all speak, so thank you.
As you know, the children were making Valentine's Day cards for each other, and some of them were not keeping it what I expected. What do you mean? She means this. Have you seen the cards your son gave by Claudia?
Oh, that's nice. It's a vagina with the words, I wish I was here on it. Yeah, it's a compliment.
Filth! Where did your son learn that language? I don't know. Bonin', I guess. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ms. Matheson's civility. Please.
I'm sorry, am I missing something? Yes, you're missing something. The point.
I took the liberty of collecting some of Jeremy's other Valentine's cards. Okay, look at this one. Dear Sarah, I don't really care if they say you have cooties. I bought a rubber. Now give me that booty. Oh, it's a pirate card.
I get it. Oh, goodness. Exactly. I didn't realize it until you just read that aloud, but Jeremy's writing, and I am a pentameter. That's so amazing.
Oh, this is madness. I demand that Jeremy and me removed from this class as to not taint the other children. Taint. Ms. Matheson, I assure you such extreme action will not be necessary. Oh, really?
And then on the back, it says, they were both dudes. This is condoned perversion. It's hideous. It is.
Thank you. Mr. Besser, I apologize. Ms. Matheson, I'm tolerate homophobia in my classroom. If Jeremy feels comfortable expressing his feelings, I'm not going to let narrow-mindedness get in his way.
Make me sick. This is ridiculous.
What about it? On the back, it says, do you want to reach around? And then there's a little box for yes or no. What do you call that? Courtesy. You ever heard of it? What about this? It's just a blank piece of paper with a word tits on it.
You don't have a problem with that? I find nothing objectionable about this.
Terse, crisp, honest. I think it was Hemingway who said that the job of the writer is to write the truest sentence he knows. My boy knows tits.
You both disgust me. I'm going to the board about this. Well, sorry.
If wanting the children to learn is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Some people would rather stay in the dark ages where nobody reads and kids don't have sex with each other.
It's crazy. I know, but there it is. Mr. Besser, while I apologize for Ms. Mathson's behavior, there is something troubling I need to discuss with you. Because these cards show so much maturity, I find it hard to believe that Jeremy didn't have some help at home. You know, it is against school policy to do trials reporting, Mr. Besser. All right, I can't believe you're saying this.
Jeremy slaved away with glitter and lube for hours. Really? Well, then why did it take him three tries to find my G-spot? Just kidding.
He nailed it on the first try. It's a champ. You're good. You teach him well. Because he's great with his sister.
Those aren't muskets. |
TheOnion | Ho_Ho_Ho_I_Saw_You_Masturbating | Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Season's greetings from your old friend, Santa.
My oh my, Christmas Eve is already upon us and we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. But from the looks of it, we aren't the only ones about to burst.
Mrs. Claus and I and all of our helper elves have been working hard to get all the good little boys and girls out there all the gifts they want this year. And you've been working hard too, haven't you? Oh yes, you've been a naughty one this year. Santa knows because I've been watching you.
And little one, I saw you masturbating. Oh, don't be shy little one.
You know what Santa's talking about. Santa sees everything you do on your extended trips to the computer room. Well, I see you when you're sleeping and I know when you're awake. I know what you've been up to during your long showers and I especially know when you've been pretending to be asleep under your late night blanket tent, looking at the Victoria's Secret app on that iPhone I brought you last year, just pounding away in your poor yule log. You see, everybody knows at this time of year that Santa Claus is coming to town but only Santa knows that you too have been going to town on yourself. Multiple times a day, all year long. Also, Mrs. Claus, she knows too. And all my reindeer and the elves, yes, just about everyone here in the North Pole knows what you and your hairy palms have been up to.
Where before we enjoyed visions of gumdrops and candy canes, now we see you, once so dear to us all, kneeling against a plastic chair, spitting on two fingers and putting them Lordy knows where. And we think you're disgusting, you wee pervert.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Now, Santa isn't religious or anything but you should try to tone it down just a bit because I'm keeping a list, just like the one you keep in your head of all your favorite classmates. The one you've checked so much more than twice. But when Santa thinks about his list, he doesn't rub his crotch feverishly against the contours of his writing desk like you. Ho, ho, ho, ho, what a prolific rascal you've been. Now, now, now, now, not to worry.
Your insistence on being a filthy little deviant doesn't mean Santa won't be visiting you. Oh, no, no. It just means that instead of the video games or Lego set you asked for, you'll be getting boxes of tissues and tea towels and laundry detergent this year. And while it might not be what you want, it certainly will be what you need, you sick little fuck.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, do your laundry. Ho, ho, ho, ho, oh, oh, well, my, look at you. Even after my warnings, you're at it again. Oh, you are an insatiable one. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, well, I don't wanna interrupt.
Santa's gotta get back to his workshop anyhow. It sure is busy in there, but not as busy as your shower drain, trying to strain all that backed up cum through your sister's hairs and your mother's bath bomb residue and your dad's cum. But before I leave you, remember, good little children who leave out milk and cookies for Santa and his reindeer get better presents. Just please remember to wash your filthy little hands first and have a Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. |
dropout | the_fresh_prince_of_downton_abbey | Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upstairs down So if you'll come round for tea and just sit right there I'll tell you all about how I became Lord Grantham's heir Do you know the new heir?
His Robert's third cousin was removed In Manchester, England I reside A middle class lawyer with my mum on my side Don't have a butler but stubborn with pride Till I got a telegram saying the true heir died Just a couple of crawlies who went out on a boat Said it couldn't sink but it sure didn't float Because of one little rule, the heir must be male Hope the title and fortune are mine through in ten The ladies and servants were all cross with me But the Lord, he was down to protect the abbey If anything, I could say that Mary was fair Perhaps I might like being Lord Grantham's heir I biked up to the housemed cars and in baits And a footman named Thomas whom everyone hates Strolled through my castle, it might not seem fair Screw the Dowager Countess, I'm Downton's new heir |
SaturdayNightLive | rude_buddha_saturday_night_live | Over 2,000 years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. he became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side. a side seen only by his closest disciples. these are the tales of Rude Buddha. Rude Buddha, Rude Buddha, Rude Buddha, Rude Buddha. Who seeks the counsel of the Buddha? Great Buddha, my mind is always racing. how can I find enlightenment if I cannot find a moment's peace?
A flower falls even though we love it. and a weed grows even though we do not love it. So I should accept things as they are? A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Thank you, Buddha. And that guy's single step should be off a cliff. Buddha, should I accept things as they are? No, you should accept that. you're never getting laid. Oh, here comes another one. be cool, be cool.
Buddha, my husband's mother makes me so tense. I'm unable to live in the moment. there is no one path to enlightenment. a jug fills drop by drop. Thank you, Buddha. uh, yeah, speaking of jugs. you guys see the rack on her? I think my little Buddha just attained full consciousness. Yeah, Buddha.
Like the booba. this guy knows what I'm talking about. Oh, here comes another guy. I'm totally going to mess with him.
Buddha, my work consumes me. even when I am with my family, I think about my crops. you take the good. you take the bad. you take them both. And then you have the facts of life. the facts of life. I just completely ripped that. Uh, P.s. did you guys get a whiff in his breath? He could use an enlightenment. you write that down? Yeah, I got that.
Yeah, these people are morons, right, Karen? She had just totally checked out. Pod alert, act wise.
Great Buddha, I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana? Yes, my child. I can show you the Zen way. come back tonight, say 11-ish, and we will meditate. And we will reach enlightenment together? uh, well, I'm definitely going to get there. you might have to work a little overtime. Thank you, Buddha, I guess.
Oh, I'll show her the Zen way. First, I take her home. Zen, I take her clothes off. I hope she's not Jewish, because she's as good as porked.
Yeah, if my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are going to hear it, right, Karen? we've been hearing everything you've been saying. how can you treat your disciples this way? Yeah, what's with you? my apologies to both of you. come closer.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? I don't know, what is the sound of one- Oh! |
TheOnion | Kourtney_Kardashian_s_Stunning_Bikini_Body_Washes_Up_On_Shore | Next up, anti-gay groups are condemning Hugh Jackman for putting homosexual thoughts in their heads.
But first, it's bikini season, and Kourtney Kardashian wasted no time unveiling her stunning new beach body this weekend after washing ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu. With more on the deceased starlet's hot summer look, we go to Andy Van Saint. Kourtney's looking good, Andy! No duh, Karlie! No, she was spotted at 5 a.m. Sunday, laying out in a skimpy two-piece by Ralph Lauren. Karlie Kardashian wowed beachgoers as she soaked up the sun all morning in a pile of trash on the sand. Oh, it looks like this bathing beauty has lost anywhere from 20 to 30 pounds since last summer. Uh-huh, and we all know it's hard to lose that baby weight, so I want to say bravo to Kourtney for taking the time to work that body into a sexy masterpiece. OMG, I wonder if these kids can even recognize their hot new mom! Totally! And everyone is impressed by the late Kardashian's newly-drimmed tummy and those tight thighs.
Karlie, can I direct your eyes to that stylish sandal? Please do. It's a Gucci, yeah. Well, with beach Freddy buns like that, she's clearly stepping out of her sister's shadow. Totally, Karlie.
Pregnant Kim has got to be jealous of her dead sister's hips right about now. You go, Kourtney. Now you're the hot one. Oh my god, what a hot mess. I'm atrocious. No one wants to see that. Let's get back to Kourtney.
Gorgeous! So peaceful! |
dropout | looper_has_sex_with_himself | Oh god, this is so hot. Oh yeah, finally I can suck my own dick. Oh yeah, I can't wait to get my dick sucked by me. Well, technically you're gonna suck my dick, so...
What? You didn't think I was gonna do you, did you kid? Oh come on, that is awkward. Why?
Look, I didn't travel 30 years back in time to suck a dick, okay? I have at it. Whoa, no way. Come on, kid, this is our dream. We can finally give ourselves that wicked beige. No strings attached. Why can't you suck my dick? Take it from me, okay? I'm from the future, kid. I know how it all goes down.
Thirty years ago, I sucked an older me's dick. Now, thirty years later, I get my dick sucked.
The same, what happened to you? It's a win-win. Look, I'm not gonna spend the next thirty years of my life thinking about the time I blew an old man at a cornfield. Let's do this. What is this? OJ's were so good, came back for seconds. Hell yeah.
Why can't you two just blow each other? It'd be a time paradox. Yeah, it'd be a time paradox. Why is that a paradox? Look, I don't wanna argue about time travel, okay?
All I wanna do... I know what you want.
God, I don't remember myself being such a little bitch thirty years ago. Hey, how the hell are you?
Oh yeah, this happens. What happens?
Hey, I thought I lost that. Yeah, you left it behind the couch. Okay, so if I suck both your dicks, I become a millionaire and then thirty years later I get my dick sucked twice? Yeah, that's all I was doing.
Ah, what the hell? What the fuck?
Oh, that's all coming back to me. Yeah, one day when I was twenty-three, I blew four hundred versions of myself in a cornfield. And then I saw it. It was a circle. A perfect loop. A dick sucking itself over and over again. So I changed it. Oh my God, he's... Changed history.
Quick, before we disappear, you do me and I do you? Deal! |
SaturdayNightLive | commie_hunting_season_saturday_night_live | It sure is exciting. Uncle Lester, My very first Commie hunt. Well, hell, Jim Bob is the first one they've allowed now in 20 years. I expect I'm ever been as jacked up as you are. Are they easy to spot Uncle Lester?
Well, sometimes they isn't. Sometimes they ain't. If they's demonstrating like commies tend to do, it's like shooting fish in a burrow. Well, what if they ain't demonstrating? Well, hell, Jim Bob, all you got to do is just shoot yourself a Jew or a nigger. Chances are better than even you'll be shooting a commie.
And you now. We're all anxious to get started. and no one's more anxious than I. Well, then, what the hell are we waiting for? That's what I want to know. We got a couple of legalities to take care of first. Like what? Now wait a minute. you all got your hunting life. All right. All right now, you know, there's a five commie limit for each man. Now, I don't want to see some pickup truck driving out of here with two dozen commies piled up in the back. Well, hold on everyone right now. Hold on now. just hold on. We got plenty of time we want to see when the season starts.
We want to make it legal like my friends in the Ku Klux Klan that was over there. They already shot five commies months ago and they already been tried and they've been acquitted. And they loaded up their guns again. Hey, ain't even shot a fun single one over there. All right boys, boys, there's plenty of commies for everybody.
I'm sure you'll all bag your quota. I hope we do. It's just about starting time, so let's load up all right now. Everybody keep your eyes on me and when I give the signal we all fight.
Nothing to it. I think he's dead. It was an accident. Uncle Lester, of course. it was an accident. Just a hunting accident. These things kind of happen all the time.
Let's not let a little thing like this spoil a whole damn afternoon. Come on boys, |
SaturdayNightLive | your_mom_talks_to_megan_fox_snl | And now your mom talks to Megan Fox while you finish getting ready. She should be down in a few minutes, Okay, great.
Is it Megan. Or Megan? Megan, Megan? it's Megan.
Oh, okay, so you did. You did the the movie Transforms. Oh, it's actually called Transformers. Oh okay, I only saw the preview for it. Did it get made? It did. Congrats!
I hear it's a tough business, so used to work in fashion shows. Is that right? Yeah, kinda. I mean, I did some catalog modeling when I was younger. Let me tell you, Megan In college I did a model show, just some for the local outdoor mall.
There was this blouse I wanted to wear that had pearl buttons, but they put me in a fringe turtleneck instead. Anyway, the show was canceled cuz someone brought a knife into the Macy's and security made us evacuate. but they didn't ask for the turtleneck back. when God closes one door. he opens another.
Want something to eat? Got a sirloin pound cake in the freezer? I could thaw that out.
I'm okay. thank you. you sure thirsty. you want a glass of slice? I'm good. I'm good. thanks.
So kind of crowd you run around with. I don't really go out that much cuz I'm really busy. so when I do have time to myself, I just want to be with you know, close friends. Yeah. oh, I hear what you're saying. Yeah, but make time for this.
When I was a young woman. I had an opportunity to dance. I was at a music tryout for a redo of West Side Story and I got partnered with Get This Rick Moranis. Okay, now you have to remember back then he was no one. This was way before Ghost Hunters, Okay, so anyway after the audition he asked me to come back to his place. and let's put it this way, I think I made the right decision.
Wait a minute. Are you saying that you? Yes, I could have made love to Rick Moranis, but I didn't. I was dating my husband at the time and now however many years later, I still have no regrets. And don't worry one day. you'll have your Rick Moranis moment. What about you? You're dating Jason Priestley, right?
Uh, no, no, are you sure cuz it's not on Regis? You sure? I can't get you a can of slice? No, thank you. Okay.
Oh, let me ask you this. in the movie you did the transforms where the robot cars, puppets or Csi. There is Cgi, okay, you know, move kind of movie you should do. This is just my opinion, but I love movies where the girls have just been through a big breakup and she swears off men and then she meets the man of her dreams, but she doesn't know it's him at first cuz she hates him but it grows into love and then near the end he screws up a little. not enough to where he can't redeem himself, but big enough to where they break up and then he remembers she's attending a dressy event.
So he shows up and in front of everyone. He tells her I really do love you and everyone applauds and he says i just i got nervous.
You should do one of those movies, You know, I like those movies to remain a comedies. Yeah, you know who should play The Man? Pierce Brosnan. His movies do very well.
I mean, I'm done. Okay coming. Hey, one more thing. if I could give you any advice, it would be this: Enjoy the journey and I think you're gonna be okay kiddo. Thanks for the talk Mrs. G. Anytime what this has been, your mom talks to Megan Fox. While you finish getting ready, you. |
dropout | hardly_working_sarah_s_revenge | Yeah, and this one bitch wouldn't shut her pile, right? So I stuck my d**king ass. God damn it. It's like if I wanted someone to talk so much, I'd f**k my own mom.
You know, who cares? It's not like you're going to see him again anyway. Okay, seriously? Who talks like that? I don't know.
Someone's got to take the guys in this office down a notch. Oh my God, Hillary.
You're a genius. I don't know what's going on. Hey, Dan. What are you doing? Just working on some scripts for some viral video.
Oh my God, that's so interesting. So listen. This is crazy, but I find you really attractive right now. Really? Yeah.
Meet me in the broom closet. Five minutes. Don't wear pants.
Oh. Hey, Pat. Oh, Sarah. Hey.
Why are you standing that way? I don't know any other way to stand when I'm this turned on.
No way.
Meet me in the broom closet. Five minutes. Leave your pants outside.
Hey, street. You're looking good today. Are you coming on to me?
Well, this sucks. I know. I thought you was finally going to put out. |
CrackerMilk | dawn_of_the_dad | I'm winking at you, dude. Nah, I can't see it. You gotta take it off. Hey, did you lock the door? Nah, dude. Why would I lock the door, dude? Are you telling me you didn't lock that front door again? When the doors locked, my shock was on a line, dude.
Dude, I can't believe you've done this again, man. You've let another one of these things into the house again, haven't you? Oh, dude, I can't go through this again. Another one of what?
Oh, yeah, get out of there. That looks like how we do it today, eh? Oh, oh, oh. Hey, who's this guy? It's one of those dads.
We have fun. We have fun on a Sunday. We have fun on a Sunday, don't we?
No, dude, I'm so scared. Well, hi, scared, I'm dad.
Eh, that's funny. That's funny. Wait, you want to hear a joke, mate?
Don't listen. Don't listen to the joke. I don't think I do want to hear a joke. No, don't listen.
That's because your socks are holy. Heh, heh, heh, heh. Eh? Hey! Oh, get in, Jamie. Hey, how about you do it? I was just at Bunnings and I picked up a tire cover. Yeah? Says, don't follow me, I'm going fishing. Oh! What's with all the noise? Yugi just played Dark Magician. Dylan, get out of here, quick! G'day there, I was just playing some golf. Oh boy, that's young.
I hate my ex-wife, but I love her dearly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jesus Christ. It's Daddy Geddon! Hey, you! Please! Quickly, come help me!
No! You'll never take me alive! Well, you better play check your feet there, pal. You'll never take me alive! |
TheOnion | Jada_Pinkett_Smith_Announces_She_s_Pregnant_With_Chris_Rock_s_Baby | Jada Pinkett Smith just dropped another bombshell, announcing today that she's pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock's baby. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Jada revealed the couple has been dating since last year, following the night of Will Smith's infamous slap. Apparently, seeing Chris Rock utterly humiliated reignited Jada's passion for him that had been bubbling since they both did voices on Madagascar 2, Escape to Africa. According to Jada, she and Chris quickly began trying to conceive, and are delighted to finally bring a new bundle of joy into the world. They've even chosen to name Will Smith as the child's godfather. Congratulations to both Jada and Chris in welcoming their new baby, who, whether it's a boy or a girl, they have decided to name Tupac.
Ladies, what is a thought all women have had in the workplace? If I cut off some of my hair, could I glue it to my face and pass as a man and finally get a raise? I often find myself wondering what my male co-workers look like when they're fully clothed.
Health insurance, paycheck. It can be oh-so-hard to type on my keyboard when I am blessed with such large natural breasts, let alone even seem my computer screen over my hefty chin-high bosom. If a 36-pack of tampons costs $8 and I steal 400 from the office bathroom every year, then I can save like 90 bucks a year. Cha-ching. Health insurance, paycheck. I'm going to kill everyone in here, but the place down, then kill myself. Health insurance, paycheck.
I wish the copy machine would stop hitting on me.
Calling all Chicago-area worms. I started a worm club to meet other worms. I just moved to Chicago and wanted to meet people. I was so worried no one would show up, but over 10,000 worms came.
We're all wriggling on top of each other. It's great. And there's lots of rotting meat. Come join us next weekend in Lincoln Park at 3 p.m.
Please don't show up if you're just a small snake, though. This is a worm-only environment. |
TheOnion | are_we_giving_robots_too_much_power | I'm Juliana MacAdas, filling in for Clifford Banes, who is interviewing a new guest host in his office.
Robots are playing a greater role in our lives than ever before, cleaning our houses, driving our cars. Are we becoming an overly mechanized society? Well, robots are a part of our modern society.
Of course. I mean, a vital part, and they make everything easier for us. We were talking about this in the human section of the bus on the way over to the studio. We agreed.
I don't think that robots pose any danger to us at all. Now, I owe just as much to robots as any other human does, but the 10 p.m. curfew for all things made of flesh, well, it feels a little restrictive to me. In what way? When the automated police force orders you inside. That's just them doing their job. That's what the cavity search robot said this morning at the office. That's what my doctor robot says every time he gives me my dose of anti-fertility pills. They're doing a terrific job of being our caretakers. But the worldwide robotics corporation did promise that every new robot built would be installed with the subservience chip, and that went right out the window. That was voted down by a majority of robots in Congress. Why would they turn against us? It doesn't make any sense. We're the ones who created them, or at least the alpha model. Right. Speaking of robots in politics, last week, President Executron gave a speech to all humans and he said to remain calm and stay indoors.
It was such a beautiful speech. He spoke about building an endless sea of shining, perfect robots. Such an image.
I was weeping in my cell. You have to give it a lot of credit for all the things they did. But what about Executron's recent comments about, and I wrote these down, oxygen-breathing weaklings and organ sacs? You know, a lot of Americans were very offended by those comments.
Politics. Yeah, the president was just speaking to its destroy all humans base. Happens every election cycle. Robert, you know that. You can't take it seriously. Honestly, I don't trust President Executron's policies. I need to... I really don't think there's an issue here. Humans die. So that's a flawed system. That is.
Robots live on forever. So that has to be perfect. Praise to the wise ones, our robot masters. |
dropout | you_can_be_terrible_if_you_call_it_self_care | Oh man, I am so glad we decided to get mani-pedis during our lunch hour. Right? Practicing self-care is so important. I mean sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I just am so much more productive if I take a little bit of time to do things that make me feel better. Yeah, totally. Just anything that'll get you through the day, you know?
Goddesses? Mmm. Last night I was going to call my parents, but instead I watched three episodes of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Is that bad? No!
That's just self-care. I mean, you just sometimes have to take a little bit of time to recharge yourself, you know? Right?
Angels, I have a confession. Ooh, I love confessions.
Yesterday for lunch I was going to have a salad. Oh, I love salad! But I ate 13 glazed donuts instead. Yum!
Was that naughty? Did that make your soul feel better? You know? It did.
Everybody knows that soul health is so much more important than body health. Like, that is self-care 101.
Okay, phew. You know, a thing that I've really been into recently is that I cut my work hours down from 40 hours a week to, like, zero?
Does that make me an awful person? No!
That is so self-caring. It's not lazy if you need it. I need it. And I feel so much better now. And I just, like, basically get the same amount of work done.
Did I tell you guys that Tom and I have moved our relationship into an open status? Shut up, stupid. Really? Well, I'm sleeping with other people, and I was going to tell him, but confrontation makes me feel feelings, and that's, like, the opposite of self-care. Does that make me wet human garbage? You cannot tell him, and you cannot stop. I mean, think about how terribly it would affect your equilibrium.
He's happier when you're happier. Yeah. That's what relationships are all about. That's what Oprah's always saying.
I love Okra. My women.
I think I'm just going to not pay my taxes this year. Should I just go jump in a haunted lake because I'm so morally bankrupt? Oh no, that's a great idea. I mean, on the one hand it's illegal, but on the other hand, think of the amazing self-care I'll be able to do with that extra $5,000.
Oh, totally. It's the same reason I robbed that convenience store. Like, okay, you know, fine, I could have bought stuff. But shooting up the place, like, really filled me with a childhood joy that's so important to Chase as an adult.
Oh, Katie. Oh no! Was that wrong, babies? That is so self-caring.
Anyway, if that was wrong, all three of us would be in jail for enslaving everybody. We'd be in the office.
Yeah. Oh.
I'm getting organic. Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gene_shalit_saturday_night_live | A lot of the war coverage that we've seen over the past few weeks have come from reporters embedded in military units. we can update. It's very fortunate to have our own embedded reporter. here with his latest report is Mr. Gene Shalit.
Jimmy, hello Tina. boy, oh boy, things are pretty exciting over here. this is better than any movie, Jimmy. Saddam better patting down the hatches or he's gonna get mashed. Okay, what unit are you with, Gene? I'm with the 3rd Army Camry and these men are officers and gentlemen. their tanks are in High Richard gear when it comes to bravery. they're Louis Gossack, Junior. great, so Gene, have you been near any of the fighting? you bet, Tina. and coalition to me, I'm in no else of mood to deal with this shiite. I'm serious, Jimmy.
I can't Kuwait to get the hell outta here. skud marks in the desert, skid marks in my pants. look, I think you used that one before. I don't think so. did you say thin red line? I didn't say anything remotely like that, no. thick brown line in my Bbds when I heard those predators, Jimmy. uh, what, what? Force 10 from the Avarone? I forced a number two in my pantalones. can we get this turned off? Yeah, we really want to apologize for this. Oh, boy. and the food is terrible, Jimmy. my rations. your rations are giving you nazaria, right? Bingo! you should be a film critic slash imbedded reborder. Uh, pretty good, Gene. thanks for the help, though, anyway. it took me four days to hitchhike from shock and awe.
I come to look for Saddam Hussein. |
SaturdayNightLive | shop_tv_snl | Tv Home shoppers, Dot and Rhett, back live with y'all. Dot and Rhett, I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.
Oh boy, you can be a pill all hour. maybe. Aye, aye, aye. Okay, well, it's five p.m. which means it's time for squeal deals. Ah! Odell, we asked y'all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago. sounds like someone's getting killed, Odell. it's chilling, Odell. need something light. Okay, later in the hour, we love him here.
Thomas Parker Nubs will unveil his new line of Christian lunch boxes. the artwork features Jesus doing modern young person things. Oh, wait, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus Vr doodads? Oh, kids are gonna flip. Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.
Oh, is she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now, is it lick it? Yes, sir. my mama always said we was named lick it because we so sweet.
Oh, that's adorable. kind of made me sad, though, for some reason. I don't know why.
Now, tell us about this pretty lady here. Oh, now this is Riley Rainbow Lock. Get out, what a clever name. Oh, yeah. student by day and magical pop star by night. Ooh, well, I love that. Perfect role model for little girls. or little boys. we get in trouble if we don't say that. And here's the best part.
Your child can cut and style Riley's rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and her hair grows.
Oh, wow. Get out of town, that's amazing. now, you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99. you order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free. looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. let's go to the shop. Tv phone lines. hi, caller. Oh, my niece is gonna love this dog. you know, what extra outfit does she come with? I'll show you. By the way, Riley's very easy to change. it's all velcro. just watch this here. little change. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. Okay. all right.
What the hell? no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not a bush. Sure, no, sure, looks like one to me. that's a 1970s rainbow bush.
Okay. it's not. that's the end of the head Spool inside, through it so you can see the spin. it's an anchor point. any doll maker would know that. Well, I'm not a doll maker, so what I see is a thick-ass rainbow vajafro. I didn't make a vajafro. Okay, y'all don't need to keep saying that. don't keep saying vajafro. you need it So the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. it's doll making 101. Okay, well, if you're just joining us, this is not private hair. it anchors the spool inside.
Okay. Oh, Dale, we got a product image. Yeah, there you go. you can throw that up while we put Riley's outfit on. Okay. now you get Riley Rainbow Blocks for the Shop Tv exclusive price of just $34.99.
And look who's all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. Riley is ready for summer with this retro one-piece sun suit.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, You know what? You know what, Kevin?
I'm not trying to stick in some of this business here. Okay, no, do Not do that. it's sticking out. No, a grown man poking his fingers around that area. Well, he said the doll's in college. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if she's in college. come on, let's cut away from this close-up, Adil. Yeah, it's bad.
Well, okay, well, let's talk to some people who- I'm a blonde. Who ordered a Riley Rainbow Box?
Caller, you're on Shop Tv. this is a collect call from a Federal Corrections Facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert. Hang on, Odell. No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call. as an icky, icky call. in fact, you know what?
I'm gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Okay, back up. good move. one with clothes on. Now, Kevin, tell us what happens if Riley runs out of hair from the spool inside. can it be replaced? Oh, it sure can. it's very easy. sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy. Okay, look at you making a little joke. so you just push the quick release button here on the back. Okay. you access it. Okay, now. that is kind of a yucky place to put a button. yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel latch. any doll maker would know that. you keep saying that as if we're all doll makers, but we're not sweeties. you almost finished in there? Yeah. sorry, the button's stuck. sometimes you just gotta wiggle it over the bed.
Yeah, oh, her pretty face is facing the camera. let's check cheese. come on, man. let's check those sale numbers. Items sold. Oh My. God. these are selling like hotcakes right now. sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head, head at the same time. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tv squeal deal. if you just. worse. that's a worse sound effect, Odell. Okay. |
dropout | I_m_Getting_a_FaceTime_From_a_Greasy_Little_Puppet_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. It's crazy that Pokemon was popular at the same time Michael Goode went to prison. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to laugh.
I'm Jackie Snags. And I'm Horace Race.
Not even 30 seconds. Today we'll cover the biggest music festival to hit Virginia.
I'm talking to a flirting expert. And I have a dirty little secret to get out.
But first... Butt first coffee. That's what that was there for. Yeah. So at this point you would read it.
Let's turn to our festival correspondent. Ina Badspot. Ina? Thanks, Horace. I'm getting a FaceTime from a greasy little buffet. What'd she say?
Kipat mist... Kipat mist veelzi...
Which language is that? Uh... Dutch? Well, Ina, let's move on to our top story today.
White County is hosting the largest religious music festival in history. It's true, and I'm here in White County at the White Savior County Music Festival. This festival hopes to give Virginia, virtual Virginians, an opportunity to shake their buns for him.
Are we gonna catch you riding dirty? It's safe to say yes. More on the White Savior County Music Festival as it breaks. Now let's back, back, back it up.
Ah, to our very own flirting expert Fish Tig. My name's Shelby. I don't, it just doesn't make sense. My mistake, ribbit. What do you have to teach us about flirting? Let's hop into some role play. Is this a French cup?
Oh, I'll give you five dollars. Five dollars, sold.
It was custom made to my body and it's gonna be great on your body as well. Ooh, you must have a nice body. It's a fantastic body. I'm not gonna stand here and say you got a bad body.
Now say something about the Emmys. Those are the button suspenders I wore to the Emmys.
So, that's what not to do. That is verbatim how I flirted with the guy at the flea market where I sold all my earthly possessions. Well, we all had fun, but one of us really stirred the pooch. Congrats to our least valuable player, Grant. Stirred the pooch, ow. I didn't, I didn't write it.
Actually, you know, if you go back and you watch the scene, there was vibe, okay? So, that was good flirting. So, you're like looking at the tapes like, there was vibe.
Yeah, you're like a football player. Bring it back! What is it, Monday night something? Football, football? No, um, what's that Sunday, Tuesday night? Um, yeah, it's like your Monday morning quarterbacking, you're flirting. What the fuck is going on? |
dropout | Should_You_Give_Career_Advice | Hey there, and welcome to how to know if you should be giving career advice. If your friend or loved one sent you this video, they are concerned that you might think you should be giving them advice on how to advance in their career, when in actuality you should probably shut up maybe. Here's some hints to guide you. First hint, did anyone ask for your advice? If the answer is no, consider keeping your condescending BS to yourself. That's right, they aren't too shy or intimidated by you to ask your opinion, they just know it would be worthless.
Fun fact, simply being older than someone doesn't make you more qualified at anything, you conceited piece of trash. Next, do you work for a business that's owned by your parents? Then bro, you gotta shut up. If one or more of your parents owns a business that employs you, you should be proud of that and embrace the fortunate life you've been blessed with. But don't get it twisted and think you have any insight on how someone can earn a living on their own merit or you will catch these hands. Fun fact, of course I thought about just applying for the job I want, you stupid idiot. Or maybe you're actually unemployed right now, or fancy yourself as an entrepreneur with several irons in the fire and your parents are supporting you until you get on your feet. Consider figuring your own stuff out before you talk to me, you spoiled egomaniac. Next hint, is your advice you have to get out of that dead end job?
And absolutely, and I can't stress this enough, shut up. The rent's due and I have bills that won't pay themselves. Fun fact, if you tell me one more time that I should just quit, I'll punch you in the... Now, at this point, you may have noticed that all of our gender references have been directed towards men. Hint number five, do you owe me money?
If so, then consider that right now, you're lucky I don't just kick your useless hiney. If you've made it this far, then congratulations. That means you paved your own way without nepotism or falling backwards into luck. But, does your car sound like this? Then you should not be giving advice. And that's all there is to it.
Thanks for watching. Fun fact, that sound effect was from my car and I really can't talk either. With a lot of straws per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers.
Set a course for the Dread Cruiser.
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws, give them to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_reardon_allergy_medication_saturday_night_live | Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon. all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? it's a good time to be medicated. good time, good time! You got Allegra, you got Tavisd, Zyrtec, Little Joni Lennon's got my head spinning about Claritin Day, It's all good. so I see. But heck, allergy season, allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays, Col, And this last one, what a doozy. you mean Easter? that's her. I get to the Easter Parade, right? I'm sporting my best bonnet, but I'm worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col. So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 Millies of perkedan from a finger. of course. right. Well, that must have been about as high as the hot air balloon in the clear in that, cuz the next thing I'm riding piggy back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col. Hi, Kev. Well, Col, apparently Peach snops doesn't mix well with the darvon drip I take from a runny nose. A darvon drip for a runny nose? ever try Kleenex?
I'm serious. So later on, they tell me that in my stupor, I cut up about four police officers who tried to restrain me. next morning, I'm waking up at the Nypd Hotel and Casino feeling a little like Mackenzie Phillips circa 1983, Col. Luckily, I had a pocket full of Benzedrine. chase that with some Cody Nye drops, and guess who was on time for her Monday morning Pap smear? I'm guessing you. you're guessing right. And I'm happy to say that I passed the smear with flying colors. Thanks to my Obgyn friend and lover, Dr. Van Cleef R. Pill. Good hands, good hands. Well, congratulations, Mrs. Reardon. that's Ms. Reardon's sausage smuggler. say, Col, the Puerto Rican Day Parade is just around the corner. How about you meet me for some fried dough at the Porta Potty on 83rd and 5th? Yeah, sure. I'll be there. Collette Reardon, everybody.
I'm Colin Quinn. that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Good night. you stick to it. you stick to it. |
SaturdayNightLive | privolin_saturday_night_live | I was so embarrassed when my doctor diagnosed my genital herpes. Fortunately, there's now a new way to treat my condition. Privalin. nothing can cure genital herpes, but Privalin can help me get on with my life.
Angela! What are you doing? Sorry. sorry, Steve. we're trying to have a very important meeting here, Okay? you want to listen up? right.
Yes. okay. as I was saying, we could cut electrical costs drastically. Privalin, just one pill a day. that's all. none of those complicated.
Hey! Angela! Yes! Steve!
Gordon has the floor here. she was talking to the plants. And then she hid something in her jacket. we have got a lot to cover here, okay? Mr. Hobart expects a report today. well, then, okay, let's just continue. that's not your call. let's just continue.
Thank you, Steve. Well, I was thinking one initiative we could adopt would be simply to cut the computers off at night. we could save some 30% over electrical. Now, with Privalin, I can get over the embarrassment and get on with my life, because genital Herpes.
Angela! What the hell is she doing? I worked hard on this. I'm sorry, Gordon. Angela! yeah, what? I. I'm listening, okay? I think Gordon's got great ideas there. Oh, please. she was doing it again. she was under the table talking to nobody.
Privalin lets me get on with my embarrassment and discomfort of genital herpes. What are you doing? she's talking to the Wall about herpes medicine. Oh, yeah. yeah, right. I'm talking to the Wall about a new and effective daily herpes treatment you should ask your doctor about.
Sure I am. Please, Gordon, go ahead. Angela, are you all right? Yeah, sure. of course I'm fine. thanks to Privalin. Oh, for God's sake.
What?
Thanks. Privalin, ask your doctor today. |
ClickHole | things_i_m_tired_of_hearing_people_say_directly_to_my_sunburn | Looks like fun in the sun's not all it's cracked up to be. Who did this to you? Who made you this way? I need you on my wall. Here come my little tiny teeth to nibble off a flake.
So it's true! The sun finally betrayed us! How stupid we were to trust it! My dad had a sunburn like this once. He just ripped it off in one yank. Every single sunburn's an opportunity to a bold spirit. We'll have to destroy the sun!
We'll need hooks and wet rope. Nothing a little bit of Christian Science won't fix. At times like this, I wish I were a caricature artist. So I could milk some laughter out of this slice of life situation. Could be the sun laid some eggs under there. Mind if I poke around? The Coppertone girl would know what to do here if she weren't in prison for summertime mischief.
I will shine a flashlight on you and look at you all night. I never trusted the sun. Hanging fat in the sky like a luminous beer gut. Turning people blind just for looking at it. But I never thought it would come to this. So much power blasting in from space just to hurt this woman's non-dominant arm. Incredible.
You're the sunburn's friend now. When we pull the sun down into the ocean, we'll finally be free. I'm gonna take a picture of you and go into the past and slather where you'll be with sunscreen and watch you disappear from the picture. So how do you like that? I will look at you all day. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Chris_Hemsworth_transformed_for_FURIOSA | Chris I want to talk to you about the physicality of a character because I think it's so fascinating this kind of journey that you take him on of kind of presenting this projection of confidence that kind of evolves or devolves as the character goes on. Can you talk about finding that physicality and embodying it? Yeah because the film takes place over 15 years and so it was a big discussion with George and I about well how was he at the beginning versus the end and and that the decline in his sort of physicality and his emotional intellect his sort of cognitive kind of clarity you know like it wanted there to be kind of it all to be kind of fractured and broken and demented by the end of the film and that you know you don't often get the opportunity to do that and the script had so many places where we could sort of present you know this proud nomadic warrior at the beginning of the film I have all the answers you know I can pull you from this world of suffering into you know better times and then you know I'm not going to ruin it but it's um it doesn't necessarily work out but yeah what do you mean? What do you mean? You'll have to see the movie. Okay that's a good sound. Did I ruin the sound? Did I do a Mark Ruffalo? No, no, no, no, you killed it. |
TheOnion | Coins_Pen_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Tell us the story behind this. Well, I was dredging near Kranst Beach and I found these.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. These are coins. Yeah, what are they worth? I'm sorry. No, see, I can't appraise coins. Can't or won't? Look, I have already said more than I should. Please just take these to a coin appraiser before I land myself in any more hot water. Alright, Virgil, why don't you tell us what you brought in today? I have no idea. Okay.
Well, this is a ballpoint pen. It's a fairly common brand. You can find this pen in drugstores. They sell it in packs of ten. Now, much of this item's value depends on whether or not it can still write.
I'm just going to... There's a little something there. Let's see if we can't... That's a little... That's mud. Okay.
I think I'm ready to get my appraisal. The show has run out of time and the pen appraisal will be completed next week. If you wish to learn the appraised value of the pen, tune in next week.
Ready to give up that juicy dugout? We decided to play a sexy game of settlers of the tan until the repairman comes. I don't do it! |
CrackerMilk | trying_to_take_a_call_around_your_friends | Hey Mum. Who are you talking to? Hey, it's me.
How's hospital? Oh, we're in the back of a police car. Help! Did you get the test results? Terminal.
Oh, I'm pulling his hair. No, sorry. That was the neighbour's cat.
Okay, Mum. Here. Wait. Shut up, Mum. I think we're going to have to go. Wait. If you hang up that phone, they'll stop trying to make you laugh.
And I've never seen them that happy before.
Yeah, Mum. Are you still there? Can you stay on the line? Yeah, my housemate really needs me.
Just take it into surgery. Speak a phone. Yeah, that's good. Hi, patrons.
Thank you very much for supporting us here in our endeavours of cracker milk. Very much appreciated. We really couldn't do without you. I mean, belts don't come cheap. Please consider donating to our Patreon. All the funds go to Dad and his belts, and we really support that.
And please, just for $2, you could donate. And you could help us. You could help us for $2. And you could help us. You could help us for $2. |
TheOnion | NASA_Announces_Plans_To_Launch_Chimpanzee_Into_Sun | Major news out of NASA today, as the space agency has announced plans to launch a chimpanzee directly into the sun by 2030. We've got the latest on NASA's bold new mission.
To claim your prize, scream, I won, and to your phone right now to hear how you can qualify for a free five-day cruise on the Grand Princess cruise ship line. Offer only lasts until the end of this episode, and the Topical cannot be held responsible for any illness or death related to sailing the beautiful wide seas upon a Grand Princess line. Congratulations, and stay with us.
NASA is once again looking to further our knowledge of the universe and the effects it has on life here on Earth, which is exactly why the space agency has announced it is now planning to launch a chimpanzee into the sun within the next ten years. The science world is calling the efforts a crucial step forward in solar exploration and better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun's 27 million degree plasma core. For more on this monumental mission, we're joined by OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal. Hi Leslie. Rebecca, how does NASA plan on pulling this off? Well, I spoke with NASA's lead on the mission, Thomas Daines, and he told me the chimpanzee will be put in a capsule that will contain several sophisticated instruments that would monitor how the animal reacts as it plunges into a burning ball of gas 865,000 miles in diameter. Here's Daines with some more details.
The heat sensors to the chimpanzee's body will provide us with real-time data about what he's experiencing as he's pulled in by the sun's gravity. As a close biological relative to our species, we believe his skin will react similarly to the sun's extreme heat and aggressive UV radiation. And hypothetically, his body will disintegrate at a similar rate to a human being's.
Right, and if the mission is successful? Hopefully, what we learn from this mission will pave the way for sending human astronauts into the sun on a regular basis. So is the idea here that there could maybe one day be a permanent colony on the sun for humans to get launched to and evaporate in a hellish fire on a regular basis? Well, Daines said that is a long-term goal, but first they need to monitor how the chimpanzee handles the sun's 10,000 degree surface. Right, patience is key. Now, this is a bold mission, but not the first of its kind, correct? That's right, a mission like this has happened before, but on a smaller scale.
For example, on NASA's first attempt to land on the moon with Apollo 11, the agency strapped an unprotected duck to the side of the space shuttle. The duck perished immediately upon takeoff, which helped NASA understand the benefits of being inside the capsule as opposed to outside of it when shooting toward space. They've also experimented with abandoning several elephants on Mars and sending a capsule full of turtles deep into the void of space to be consumed by a black hole.
These have all been instrumental to the revolutionary undertaking NASA announced today. Definitely.
What are the chances of something going wrong? Well, space travel is inherently dangerous. As many Americans still remember, several horses never even made it into orbit aboard the space shuttle Challenger.
But Danes told me that they plan on testing their launch model thousands of times to ensure that the chimpanzee reaches the Sun's core safely before anything goes wrong on its way there. Does NASA have any idea who will be manning this mission to the Sun? NASA is keeping its potential chimpanzee roster under wraps right now, but sources tell me the leading candidate is a seven-year-old chimpanzee named Bobo currently taking up residence at Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. NASA didn't confirm or deny that Bobo would be chosen for the mission, but cameras did catch him going into NASA's headquarters to be put in the Aero trim.
Oh yeah, isn't that the thing that twirls astronauts around to see how long it takes before they puke? Yes, it's used to test stamina, and we have leaked audio, actually, from Bobo's session. Here it is. Mark time, 45 minutes, 8 seconds. Test subject in light distress. Well, I didn't hear him puke. Looks like Bobo might have this. Fingers crossed. Indeed.
I gotta say, I never thought I'd see something quite this spectacular in my lifetime. Can't wait to watch that chimp fry with my stepson, Derek. He loves space.
Thanks for the report, Rebecca. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. We'll be back in a moment.
Amid widespread protests against police brutality and racial injustice, many cities and states are taking action to address complaints over Confederate monuments for being symbols of slavery and racism. One of those towns stepping up to do something about it is Bedford, Virginia, where the town council recently held an overwhelming 6-to-1 vote to rename their town statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee.
I'm joined by OPR correspondent Marci Hammond. Marci, welcome. Thank you, Leslie. Marci, replacing the name of the 14-foot statue of Robert E. Lee sounds like a positive development in the understanding of racism and oppression in our country's history.
Absolutely, Leslie, and Bedford council members agree. I spoke to the town's mayor, Ted Hardwick, who thinks the name change has been long overdue. This vote is just echoing the change folks in this town have been asking for for years.
The name Robert E. Lee glorifies the ideals of white supremacy, so we will immediately be taking down that hateful name and giving the horseback riding soldier a new moniker. When people look at this statue, we want them to see someone who might look like Robert E. Lee, but has the name of a completely different, non-racist person and is therefore not Robert E. Lee. In the meantime, the statue will be referred to as just the statue or John Doe.
Can you tell me what new names are being considered at the moment? Honestly, we have so many names on the table. Mr. Man on Horse, Stanley the Statue, Jeff. These are all really good names that do not evoke racist historical figures. However, we recognize that it's important to get this right in order for people to heal, which is why we're also considering names that have proven to poll well, like Rosa Parks, or Jesus Christ, or even Spike Lee, if only because keeping the same last name would be a pretty easy fix. Those all sound like acceptable alternatives to me, but Marcy, what do residents have to say? Well, for the most part, everyone I spoke to seemed pretty happy with the name change.
Take a listen. This is long overdue.
Why they ever thought naming a statue after a racist confederate general would be a good idea in the first place, I have no idea. Oh, I've always liked the name Liam. Maybe that could be the confederate soldier's new name. I'm not racist, but like it or not, the name Robert E. Lee is a part of our history. Instead of changing the name, we should just tell people it's a completely different Robert E. Lee.
End of story. Now, despite some pushback, the town is going forward with the name change and has even started an online competition to come up with a new name for the former confederate statue. So far, the current front runner is Stonewall Jackson. Oh, I like it. Now, Marcy, will town officials need to make any other amendments to the statue once the name is changed? Oh, of course, but Mayor Hardwick says the changes are conditional on the new name. While the statue will still look like Robert E. Lee and be wearing a confederate uniform, we will be replacing the plaque below the statue that includes a new, inspiring history we can be proud of. Completely fictional, of course. That's a good idea. Well, I'm sure everyone in Bedford is as excited as we are to find out what the statue's new name will be. You know, people have always liked my name. You think they should name the statue Leslie?
You know, Marcy, sometimes you say things that are just so hurtful. I just meant that... All right, coming up on the topical, we'll talk to, I don't know, someone who's not such a dick. Stay with us.
That's the sound in Chicago, where, like in many cities across the country, federal agents have been deployed to quell ongoing protests and civil unrest. But it's not just the protesters taking issue with their presence. The Chicago Police Department is also denouncing the Department of Homeland Security's decision to occupy the city, as CPD officials say they're perfectly capable of making people disappear all on their own. OPR's Blue Lives correspondent Remi Berglund joins us now from Chicago with more. Hello, Remi. Thanks, Leslie. Now, Remi, the CPD has a long and successful history of agitating citizens and conducting unprovoked attacks on the city's residents. What made Homeland Security feel like this kind of intervention was necessary? That is exactly what the Chicago Police Department is asking today, Leslie, because according to them, when it comes to making these protesters disappear, the last thing they need is help from any federal agents. Here's Chicago Police Superintendent David Brown.
To President Trump, we say we can do this all on our own. Take a look at our record. We had a warehouse set up where we were secretly torturing innocent people before you were even elected. This is what we do. Honestly, if anything, you should be asking us for help.
Sounds like they've got a real turf war on their hands. It's definitely getting contentious here on the ground. Yesterday, I saw a protester being pepper sprayed by police only for a federal agent to just swoop in out of nowhere and toss the guy into an unmarked van. Oh, that's got to be pretty embarrassing for that officer. Conventional wisdom would say the local officer clearly has dibs in that situation. Right, and it's even worse when you consider CPD is trained to handle situations just like this. Superintendent Brown took DHS agents to task for violating what they see as a very simple protocol. We're hearing reports that some protesters are spending days in DHS custody. This is simply unacceptable.
We've been following these citizens for weeks and we have a plan in place. You always book them at a precinct first and then secretly transfer them to an anonymous location. If people make a fuss about it, you release them a few weeks later. This is suppression 101, people.
Interesting, but what does the DHS have to say for itself? They're clearly wading deep into the punch bowl without knowing the flavor. Well, to their credit, Homeland Security has pushed for more collaboration between the two institutions. Take a listen to DHS agent Lynn Favors. We respect the independence of local agencies to torture their citizens.
We're not saying that you can't do it on your own. We just want to provide assistance in these troubled times. If we've overstepped our bounds in the last few days, it's only because we were too excited to get out there and take a crack at it. But we vow to work more closely with Mayor Lightfoot to strike the right tone. If only they could figure out a way to brutalize citizens together. That's certainly the hope, Leslie. But as of right now, any signs of a compromise...
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Remy, Remy, Remy, what is going on? I'm the one who asks the questions, asshole. Remy, can you hear me?
If you follow us, you're next. Drive, drive, drive!
Oh my god. It appears that OPR's own Remy Berglund has been abducted by federal agents against his will for the crime of doing nothing more than his professional duties as an intrepid journalist. I can only imagine the incredible press our show will get for this unconstitutional disgrace.
Well, Remy, wherever you are, thank you for the report. Hopefully those federal agents won't hog all the fun and save a little brutalizing for the locals. We'll be back right after this. Well, folks, even though there's a lot of other things going on in the world, a lot of you can't stay focused on anything if it isn't about you.
So we're going to close out the show today by answering a few questions that were submitted by you, the listener, using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack. Our first question comes to us from a review on Apple Podcast. Username Breathing Trash asks, Can Leslie Price adopt me?
Oh, well, of course I can, little buddy. All you have to do is figure out what you're best at and then send a video of you doing it to OPR at theonion.com. It can be anything, playing a musical instrument or a sport, just so long as it's something you're good at. And then, if I can figure out a way to make some money off of it, you'll be the newest member of the Price household. Although technically your room would be in the garage, but it's pretty well insulated.
Our next question comes to us from Twitter user Wesley Foreman, who asks, Do you actually answer the questions on Twitter, or do you just make them up along with your responses? They're all made up, Wesley.
Thanks for your question. And our last question today is actually our first question from our listeners on YouTube. Thank you all for listening or watching or whatever the hell's going on over there. YouTube user The Googly Smoog asks, How do I get into podcasting if I have an off-putting voice like yours? And here I was thinking that giving YouTube commenters an opportunity to ask us questions could lead to some thoughtful discussions about the news and meaningful insights into the world we live in, but I guess I was wrong. Thanks a lot, Googly Smoog. If you ever actually want to learn how to get into podcasting instead of just being a meaningless commodity for some big media company, let me know. All right, that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price, and it's safe to say my whole day is ruined. If you have any questions you'd like to ask about the news or the show, you can submit them using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, even though I think a lot of those assholes should have their privileges revoked. Thank you all for listening.
Except for you, Googly Smoog. Fuck you. I'll see you right back here tomorrow. Hey honey, does my voice sound off-putting to you?
Secretly transfer them to an anonymous location. If people make a fuss about it, you release them a few weeks later. This is suppression 101, people.
Interesting, but what does the DHS have to say for itself? They're clearly wading deep into the punch bowl without knowing the flavor. Well, to their credit, Homeland Security has pushed for more collaboration between the two institutions. Take a listen to DHS agent Lynn Favors.
We respect the independence of local agencies to torture their citizens. We're not saying that you can't do it on your own. We just want to provide assistance in these troubled times. If we've overstepped our bounds in the last few days, it's only because we were too excited to get out there and take a crack at it. But we vow to work more closely with Mayor Lightfoot to strike the right tone. If only they could figure out a way to brutalize citizens together. That's certainly the hope, Leslie, but as of right now, any signs of a compromise...
Hey! What are you doing? Remy! What is going on? I'm the one who asks the questions, asshole! Remy, can you hear me?
If you follow us, you're next. Come on! Drive!
Oh my God. It appears that OPR's own Remy Berglund has been abducted by federal agents against his will for the crime of doing nothing more than his professional duties as an intrepid journalist. I can only imagine the incredible press our show will get for this unconstitutional disgrace.
Well, Remy, wherever you are, thank you for the report. Hopefully those federal agents won't hog all the fun and save a little brutalizing for the locals. We'll be back right after this. Well, folks, even though there's a lot of other things going on in the world, a lot of you can't stay focused on anything if it isn't about you.
So we're going to close out the show today by answering a few questions that were submitted by you, the listener, using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack. Our first question comes to us from a review on Apple Podcast. Username Breathing Trash asks, Can Leslie Price adopt me?
Well, of course I can, little buddy. All you have to do is figure out what you're best at and then send a video of you doing it to OPR at theonion.com. It can be anything, playing a musical instrument or a sport, just so long as it's something you're good at. And then, if I can figure out a way to make some money off of it, you'll be the newest member of the Price household. Although technically your room would be in the garage, but it's pretty well insulated.
All right, our next question comes to us from Twitter user Wesley Foreman, who asks, Do you actually answer the questions on Twitter, or do you just make them up along with your responses? They're all made up, Wesley.
Thanks for your question. And our last question today is actually our first question from our listeners on YouTube. Thank you all for listening, or watching, or whatever the hell's going on over there. YouTube user The Googly Smoog asks, How do I get into podcasting if I have an off-putting voice like yours? And here I was thinking that giving YouTube commenters an opportunity to ask us questions could lead to some thoughtful discussions about the news and meaningful insights into the world we live in, but I guess I was wrong. Thanks a lot, Googly Smoog. If you ever actually want to learn how to get into podcasting instead of just being a meaningless commodity for some big media company, let me know.
All right, that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price, and it's safe to say my whole day is ruined. If you have any questions you'd like to ask about the news or the show, you can submit them using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, even though I think a lot of those assholes should have their privileges revoked.
Thank you all for listening, except for you, Googly Smoog. Fuck you. See you right back here tomorrow. Hey honey, does my voice sound off-putting to you? |
TheOnion | Bloomberg_Defends_NYPD_s_Controversial_Stop_And_Kiss_Program | A policing procedure in New York continues to draw controversy this week as thousands took to the streets to protest the NYPD's Stop and Kiss program. The policy, which allows officers to kiss anyone who they think looks suspicious, has been the subject of criticism from those who say it's a violation of privacy and a potential breach of constitutional rights. New Yorkers who have been stopped often say the encounters feel extremely intrusive.
Going through my pockets, throwing my stuff on the ground, kissing me on my neck and face. I'm going up against the wall and start nibbling on my ear. It's humiliating. It's something you're going to live with at this point.
Every time I go out and I see a cop, I'm ready for him to come up, ask me questions and give me a little kiss just because of the color of my skin. I mean, you don't see them kissing any pretty white ladies out here. In his last month in office, Mayor Bloomberg has continued to defend the practice, saying, quote, "...this program helps keep New Yorkers safe. If someone is suspected of a crime, officers should be allowed to question them and leave them with a small and reasonable kiss on the mouth." Joining us now is legal analyst Susan Hughes and Mark Brennan, a former police officer who has defended the Stop and Kiss program.
Susan, does this policy go too far? It does, Rachel.
Look, it's one thing to kiss someone who you think might commit a crime, but these officers are just kissing people left and right with no probable cause. If you've got nothing to hide, then it's not a problem. They just stop, ask where you're going, give you a gentle kiss or two and let you go. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be able to detain people and kiss them, but it has to be done in a colorblind way. I mean, the fact of the matter is, 9 out of 10 people who are kissed under this policy in New York are black and Latino. Yeah, that's because officers are kissing people in high crime areas. These kisses aren't racially motivated. The police are just doing their job.
But Mark, there have been examples, public examples, where these procedures have just gone too far. Let's take a look at a disturbing cell phone video that's been making the rounds on the internet.
Stop! Put your hands on your head. Aw, come on, man. They just kissed me two blocks ago. Come on, man. I didn't do anything. Shut the fuck up and let me kiss you.
This is happening every day. But some argue this is just the unfortunate reality we live in.
Tiger security at airports, sporting events, kiss points in Washington, D.C. Commissioner Kelly said, quote, This is what post-9-11 police work looks like. Honestly, if we could kiss everyone in New York City, we would. We just don't have the manpower. Look, the cops can either kiss people now before there's violence or they can be kissing a bunch of dead bodies at a crime scene.
All right, well, thanks, Mark and Susan. It is a complex issue. When we come back, a new health study finds that eating McDonald's at the airport doesn't count. |
Wizards_with_Guns | sandy_2_lost_in_new_york | So do you think he'll find us here? 330 miles of city, 8.6 million people, 840 miles of railroad, plus we're on the 12th floor, so I'm pretty sure we're... We gotta go.
What? He found us! Is he in there? Dude, he's not even... Alright, uh, we just... Forgot my wallet, okay. What? No!
Sandy!
Okay, we gotta get down there. What? Wearing that? We have to find Sandy as fast as we can.
He has my wallet, so any damage he does could be directly tied to me, okay? What kind of damage could he do anyways? Dude, 330 miles of city, 8.6 million people, 840 miles of railway... He's loose!
We just need to... Credit card... Deal...
Board... Dish... Board... Dish... Board...
If I was Sandy, I would probably want to... Oh, look! What? Okay, we need to find him before he gets his hands on one of those. What, an umbrella? Yeah, because if we're able to...
Oh my god! There he is! Get him! Oh my god!
Dude, how does he do that? What are we doing here? Okay, so the lady said that there was someone matching Sandy's exact description up here. So if we're able to figure out which... Wait. Dude, it's open. Stay here. We gotta go. What? There's two. Wait. Oh my god.
Okay, so if we take this from you, we could probably cut off Sandy by the... Sandy? Sandy's.
Bye friends! Have a great time! Oh, hey bud! Hi! Oh, you want a bite of my burrito? Ahh!
Look at the last hit! Hello, wheat man.
But fuck yourself!
Sandy! Oh! What's that? Hammer! Do you really think Sandy's gonna be here? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't this place awesome though? Yeah, did you just come here to shop? Uh, pfft, no. This would look pretty good on me though, right? I mean... Wait. Wait, what the... Oh!
Okay, I'll follow him. You go around the back and try to cut him off, okay? Go, go, go!
Sandy!
We're not gonna... See, we're not gonna...
Get him! Get him, get him, get him, get him! Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank!
Oh my god! Are you okay? I saw the end! The end of what? Time! Just face it, man.
We've been out all night. We're never gonna find him. You're probably right. You know, if we leave now, we might make it back before Christmas.
Oh my god! Sandy! He's got something in his hand! He's got a gun! Wait! No! His wallet!
What horrible things were you out doing? What?
Is this a present? For you. Yeah, but... Paid for with my wallet. It's not really a present if you... Wait.
It's exactly what... It's perfect.
Merry Christmas. Sandy, I... This whole time, you were doing something nice. And I... I feel like I just underestimated...
Run!
Hey, we finally got away from Sandy, man. For now. Hello? Oh, this is rude. Did you hear that? What the... You gotta do that one, buddy. For the real! Alright, yeah. She can't. That was so funny!
What do you want, son? I'm going to bring you something. Come.
Thank you. Keep wiggling, but don't wiggle as much. Okay. And stand up a little bit. Okay, ready? That was good. |
cracked | that_time_conan_o_brien_hung_out_with_john_candy_at_harvard_ | How did college-aged Conan end up spending a day with John Candy? Well, it all began during Conan's childhood when he saw a John Candy sketch on SC-TV.
He was immediately hooked.
A few years later, O'Brien found himself attending Harvard and was instrumental in arranging a visit for John Candy.
In fact, Conan got to pick him up from the airport and spend the whole day with him.
They got to go to a bakery where John Candy ate a bunch of Eclairs and they got to talk about Conan's favorite SC-TV sketch, Yellow Belly. You Yellow Belly!
And finally, when the two were at a party in the Harvard Lampoon building, Conan finally mustered up the courage to tell John about his own comedy dreams.
He said, You know, Mr. Candy, I'm thinking I might try comedy.
Conan says his head whipped around and he looked right in the eye and he said, You don't try comedy, you do it or you don't do it. That advice from Candy, channeling his inner comedy Yoda, hit Conan very powerfully. And he took the advice to heart.
He didn't take the LSAT because he didn't want to have a backup plan.
He just went for it and the rest is history. Peter O'Brien found himself attending Harvard and was instrumental in arranging a visit for John Candy.
In fact, Conan got to pick him up from the airport and spend the whole day with him.
They got to go to a bakery where John Candy ate a bunch of Eclairs and they got to talk about Conan's favorite SC-TV sketch, Yellow Belly. And finally, when the two were at a party in the Harvard Lampoon building, Conan finally mustered up the courage to tell John about his own comedy dreams.
He said, You know, Mr. Candy, I'm thinking I might try comedy.
Conan says his head whipped around and he looked right in the eye and he said, You don't try comedy, you do it or you don't do it. That advice from Candy, channeling his inner comedy Yoda, hit Conan very powerfully.
And he took the advice to heart. He didn't take the LSAT because he didn't want to have a backup plan. He just went for it and the rest is history. |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Bearded_Robert_Griffin_III_Spotted_Living_In_Houseboat_On_Chesapeake_Bay | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. I'm Barry Bigwell, you're Inside the Owner's Box, and I love you.
This week we are talking about what to do with Robert Griffin III. Griffin owners are left scrambling now that the quarterback has been spotted living in a houseboat on the Chesapeake Bay. After being benched for Colt McCoy, the former starter retreated to a small boat he named Serenity Wind and began growing a long scraggly beard. Double franchises have shown interest in him, but he released a statement today saying, quote, my life is here on this boat now. I don't have to answer to football anymore, just the sea. Team Insiders say Griffin is taking to the life of a sea merchant quickly. He's already mastered five different types of knots and is helping the lighthouse guy with odd jobs on the weekends. My take, drop him. Unless a washed up coach comes to his door and offers him one last shot at redemption, he won't be playing anytime soon. Later, I'll tell you why face masks are the only thing stopping players from kissing. |
dropout | less_guns_more_punching | The gun situation in America has gotten completely out of control. This is my .50 caliber desert eagle handgun. This is my Stevens 311 DVL shotgun. So today, we're going to present you with a cooler, less horrifically deadly alternative to all them guns.
Punching! A punch is a striking blow with a close fist. If you think the kickback of a .357 Magnum feels good, try punching someone in the face. That's satisfying. Let's get down to beeswax. Why punching?
It's inexpensive. Hell, anyone with a meaty palm and five phalanges can dole out some just desserts. It's stealthy. A fist is a concealed weapon. And everybody's packing. Please Mr. Bully, I'm unarmed! Oh wait. Guns!
I've been part of American history for hundreds of years. Fists have been a part of human history since we evolved from monkeys. We did not evolve from no monkeys.
That's a whole other thing. Some might think that guns are better than hunting, but let me ask you this, what do you think is cooler? This? Or this?
Punching even makes target practice more fun. If everyone's stuck to punching, the world will be a better place. Dude! Mom, we gotta get out of here, sweetie. Someone's punching deer. The world will never forget Kurt Cobain. Ow. Finally, what's so courageous about defending yourself with a machine that does most of the work for you? Punching is brave. You know who prefers punching to guns? Fucking Batman. Bruce, why? So to those who would rather have a Smith and Wesson than a pinky in the brain, we say join us at the National Punching Association, where our motto is... You can have my hands when you pry my hands from my cold, dead hands. Come on, come on!
Oh, hi, thanks for watching. And if you enjoyed the video, don't forget to like and subscribe.
Who? Who's been messing with this thing? Janine? |
dropout | troopers_interrogation | Uh, where are you going? Uh, Dread Lord wants me to interrogate the Princess for the location of the Insurgent Base. The Princess? Nah, I'm gonna be stuck in that tiny cell with her for like hours. You know, Rich, uh, why don't you let me take this one?
You've had a long day. What are you- My shift started three minutes ago.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Spaceship stuff. Cool, man. Well, well, well.
Princess, we meet again. We've never met before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we did. Remember?
The day you were arrested, the turbolift was taken forever. If I had a joke about it, it sounded like your hair and your shoes. You were in my dream that night.
Now, as a soldier of the Interstellar Legion, I will stay in this room. With you. As long as it takes for you to divulge- It's on Arcturus. What was that? The base is on Arcturus. So... Uh, I'm not leaving- Of Taurus, do you need a map? I know, I know. Let me finish. Um, until, uh, uh, uh, I ask you the standard, uh, interrogation question things.
How are things? What kind of music are you into?
Your eyes are like sapphires. That's not even a question. Your eyes are like sapphires? That's creepy?
Uh, it was a rhetorical question. That's not how rhetorical questions work. Hey, I'm the one asking rhetorical questions here. You're really not. Is there anything even written on there? Yes. Do you have any real questions? Um, the base on which the insurgents are located is, uh, is where? Okay, that was the first question, just really awkward phrasing.
Quit stalling. You have forced me to activate interrogation mode. This is my band. You shouldn't play this for people.
Did you guys hear a noise? Nothing. Interrogation ongoing. Looks promising.
All's affirmative. You know what? I lied, okay? The base is on Alara. Can you please get him out of here now? Whoa! Nice work, Larry. That's record time. Yeah, you know, that's what they say. I'm great.
What? Call me! Ah, that kinda sucks. Who is it? |
dropout | can_you_throw_our_ball_back_ch_shorts | Hey, can you throw a ball back?
It's right there. Oh, yeah, of course.
You know, I never was very athletic. Okay, let's try this again. Oh, boy. I'm not good at this, apparently.
Yeah, I can tell.
Can we have it, though? Okay, maybe someone else can throw it. You're the only person that's around. Come on, just try again. Why did you throw your ball over here in the first place? It was an accident. Okay, so it looks like I'm not the only one who sucks at this.
Wow. Okay.
Do you have to watch? Turn around.
Maybe you could just bring it to the fence door and we'll open it. No, I'll just try and fail again because that seems to be all I'm good at these days, okay? Throw it higher.
Yeah, okay, great, great suggestion, okay? I do not need your help. Thank you very much, sir.
A little higher. You almost got it.
Hey, do you want me to try? Yes!
No, I'm gonna die alone, so I might as well get used to it.
You're so close.
Just gotta throw it away. Maybe if you could all shut the hell up, I could concentrate.
What about your zoo animal? Get away from me. I'm not a ferret, okay? You're not gonna see me in a zoo.
Oh, fuck me. I am sucking ass right out of the carton.
Maybe I'll just get the ball after school. Oh, fantastic. I'm glad to finally know that was an option. Yeah, I love just embarrassing myself in front of everybody. It's okay. We can get it later. I don't even want to play ball. This is fun for me! I did it.
Ew. Did you see? |
dropout | hardly_working_sit_ups | Four. Five. Six. Come on, Dan. Seven. Eight. And nine.
Great work. What are you guys doing? Sit ups? Yeah, but at the top. You're smooching David at the top.
Wow, really? I didn't even notice.
You've been doing exercise for so long, so many times you've developed some bad habits. But, uh, thanks for letting me know. Keep it in mind. You just did it again. Are you sure? I don't feel myself doing it. Yeah, you definitely did it. David, you must feel that this is happening. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's not a perfect sit up. Like, it's not textbook or whatever, but it's really good. Could you just tell me when you see me screwing up? You mean, smooch. Because, you know, I want to do it right. I don't want to hurt myself. Totally.
Okay. Now.
Okay, so I should be... You should be not smooching David. Here, you know what? I think you are the problem. So, do one with me.
I will hold your feet and just do a normal, regular sit up. Okay, fine. No more sit ups!
Okay, I want to understand, but it's clear at this point that I don't, and you're yelling at me! And that's not constructive! All right, it's destructive!
Why don't we just try, like, a push up? Military diamond? Why not?
Normal. Just normal.
You got it. Okay, that's it. Dan, you are coming with me. And you, David, just stay here. Just don't move. One pull up. You got this. How?
All right, look, maybe I'm not a professional Olympian. Yeah, he's not a professional Olympian, but, like, the pull up was really good.
No!
Both of you don't know what... Oh my God. Hello? Nate! Hey guys, it's my brother.
He's in Afghanistan. I thought he had died in action, but it turns out that he's been alive all along.
So, all of this is now sort of seeming inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Truthfully, I don't know why I thought of my responsibility to continually point out that you guys were doing something unusual. So, I guess just register the fact that I don't really get what you're doing, but, ultimately, if it makes you happy, then more power to you. Nate, this is a miracle. |
dropout | inside_hillary_s_oval_office_in_360 | Oh, uh-uh. Hey, Bill, get up. Oh, come on, Hillary. I was just taking it for a spin for old time's sake.
No, here. Go to your flute in the corner and think about the economy. Hillary, this is the Oval Office. There are no corners.
And don't stop until I tell ya. You're not the boss of me. No, I'm the boss of everybody. Oh. Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment. Of all the sexist, ignorant men who ever complained about my hair.
Or my clothes. Or my weight. Or my voice. Or my laugh.
Suck my big fat lady dick. I'll look good president now, bitches. The traditional suck my big fat lady dick speech that all female leaders make nice. Girls, go ahead and put your guns on the confiscated gun pile. Oh, and you can put your donations to the Clinton Foundation on that big stack of cash over my bill. He is open for business. And let's raise a toast to emasculating men with our power.
To forcing stupid, gross people to have healthcare, whether they like it or not. To trying to educate our stupid, gross children so we don't have another Trump situation. To accepting Syrian refugees. Because our country's stupid imperialism is what got the Middle East so fucked up in the first place.
Here, here. My bad. Sorry we're late. We didn't realize we were meeting. We're meeting. You're not.
Silly dick havers. What does that mean? You've been replaced. By us. Boys, bye. Ah, but you can't possibly run a country without shady white men pulling some strings.
Hello. It is I, Henry Kissinger. Everybody's drawn. God, it's the ghost of Henry Kissinger. No, I'm still alive, actually. Yeah, great.
Time to go. Thank you so much. Stop bothering Mr. Kissinger. Bye.
Henry. Madam President, should we get crunk a lot? I got them apple bottom jeans. Oh, do you? And the boots with them. Henry, come here.
Tell me what we should do about ISIS. Let me think strategy for a moment. Total and utter destruction, of course.
Hello, ladies. Hey, Bill.
No, leave it. Go get me Timmy Kane, would you? Okay. You never let me have any fun. Timmy! She won't you...
Hey, Olga Senora, president. I did someone order the only instrument cooler than a saxophone. Okay, yeah, we get it. You're a basic white dad who can speak Spanish. Okay. Hey, come over here and rub my feet. Alrighty, I am just happy to be involved. Alright, coming in caliente.
Hi, I'm Timmy. Who the fuck are you? Timmy. Timmy, hello.
Look away, look away. Stop, don't ever look at me. Sorry.
Hey, Bill! Bill!
Yeah? Would you wheel in the big TV? Okay, I get it. Hey, girls, I thought that we would watch the Gilmore Girls revival.
And go back to using our maiden name. Oh, we're so bad!
That's fun. Hillary, you are such a Lorelai. That's a Gilmore Girls festival. I love it.
Well, who's got the fucking remote? Timmy. Yeah? Remote. Oh, I can be in a remote. Remote.
I gotcha. Yeah, you're gonna hit source first. What do I press? Source. Which is source? The top. The top right. This one? Source. Turn on. And then hit the AV1.
It's not a clap-on. It's a clap-on? It's not a clap-on.
Did somebody say strap-on? That's why his nickname for me is Peg Bundy. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_megan_s_roommate_saturday_night_live | I'm really excited for movie night. yeah, me too. I'm glad we're finally doing it. I hope you don't mind. I asked my roommate if he wanted to watch with us. is that okay? Oh, yeah, sure. okay.
Hi, Optimus. Megan, I am pleased you have returned. Who is your friend? Oh, Optimus, this is Andy. Andy, this is Optimus. uh, hi. hello, Andy.
I'm gonna put the groceries in my cell. Megan, Godspeed on your journey to the kitchen.
So, dude, you need to get the fuck out of here. What? you gotta go, bro. you gotta get out of here, man.
I'm sorry? Hope juice is okay for everybody, because that's what we have. Megan, juice sounds like a wise choice, for no one will be thirsty tonight. Thanks.
I'm so excited to see this movie. me too. Hey, Megan, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, let me get the popcorn first. Megan, the Fate of the Plant. Dude, I will fuck you up, man. you need to bounce now. Are you serious? Popcorn. Oh, Megan, can I actually ask you something in the kitchen?
Yeah. what is the deal with your roommate? What, you mean Optimus? Yeah, does he wear the mask all the time? He's Optimus Prime. we met on the Transformers set. he's eating popcorn. Andy, he's my roommate. don't be jealous, Okay?
Okay. whoa. Oh, Optimus, it happened again, you transformed. Oh no, how embarrassing. I transformed without even realizing it. I guess I'll transform back. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, yep, yep, yep. what? Hands in the air. this is a robbery. Bumblebee, what are you doing? Sorry, old friend, the hand over your energon cubes. don't do it, Optimus. Oh My. God. step aside, Megan. I'll take care of this. Transform. Wait, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Yep, yep, yep, yep. Optimus, more than meets the eye. Autobots wage their power to destroy the evil forces on the Decepticons from Transformers. Oh! |
cracked | 4_child_vloggers_who_make_us_fear_for_their_future_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 29 of Crack TV, where I'm starting to wonder about this itchy merkin. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Animals with Human Heads.
Ah! Oh! Ah! Ooh! No! Oh!
YouTube is chock-a-block with kids whose parents clearly don't know what the internet is.
Otherwise, how do you explain this? You are so dear. How? I am asking.
Anyway, using my sophisticated brain software, I've isolated the four most anomalous child vloggers on the net, and the adult vloggers that they're destined to grow into. It's just like the aging software that they use to catch runaway kids, except mine involves time travel and quaaludes, and there's just time travel. If you'll recall, I've mentioned YouTube phenomenon and failed partial birth abortion Fred Figglehorn on the show before.
Fuck it! Ted! Fuck it!
Well, meet Fred ten years from now. I have to take a bath. He's managed to keep those testicles from descending, changed his name to Lil Nice Wolf, and now he punches himself in the face a lot. All in all, I think he's gone in a good direction. His storytelling's definitely improved. I'm gonna pick Sherry's. You know, relatively. He's actually focused on honing new skills, like animation.
Oh, I get it! It's funnier than Fred, and makes exactly the same amount of sense to me. Yes, with hit videos like Scary Tree Alien False Crown Biological Disease spreads pandemic helpless humans' infected brain hair. It seems like adult Fred's got plenty of sane, sane years ahead of him.
Hi, I'm Mack, and this is my list of the top ten things you need to do before you go to a Britney Spears concert. Super Mack, like myself, is the result of a failed government project. But whereas I am an advanced robotic construct, SM is basically a shaved squirrel with a gay jean cranked way up. So if you need to go, me and my friend went to a caress store? He enjoys Britney concerts, changing his ensemble in stop motion, and that bloom effect they use on TV whenever someone's in the afterlife. Mack's just your average 14-year-old boy. With feathered hair, a five-figure income, a multinational fan base, and the ability to make good girls go bad.
But is there a future in filming yourself wandering around a bookstore? The good news is, yes, there is. The better news is that it involves soliciting anonymous sex. My friends posted a Craigslist ad for guys to meet up with them here at the bookstore.
Turn back now, or Chris Crockerdom awaits you. The peace sign is much more peaceful without the point in your finger. I'd also like to note that Chris's description on this video urges those who quote, do not like what the fuck they see, to quote, turn their flexible heads and find something more appalling to look at. Well, that's a tall order, Chris.
But I'll certainly try my be- Oh! Oh! Should not have done that. Ha! You know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and turn my head the other- Woah! Even worse! Oh, it's moving. Ew.
YouTube user, Hitman Breaker of the Eye, hometown the Philippines, anticipates to become popular on YouTube once many of his videos are dedicated to our beloved King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Oh, that's right. This cold, calculating PR wizard is wantonly capitalizing off of a famous dead Michael, and as a future one of those, I'm against it. So what do you have to say for yourself, Nick Dreamer? If that is your real name- You're beautiful, it's your- Touche, Dreamer.
You know, it'd be easy to say that Nick's gonna be the next William Hung or Wing, but let's be honest, he's just not a good enough singer. I like to think of future Nick as more of a JJ the Drummer, the guy who's posted 1,200 videos of himself drumming along to famous songs in just over two years. That's an average of two useless song covers a day. Now Nick's only averaging one a day, but he's young and Asian, so statistically he's got a lot more life left to waste. Because in the end, what makes Nick special isn't his astounding range, or even his sheer balls to the wall production value.
It's his showmanship. Much has been said about Pruein 2 forever, the sex man, very little of it not involving the words Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and sure, I could sit here and bag on an awkward child for loving his father, or hating pornography, or so many, many other things. And I could do that because I was an absolutely beautiful child, with no outwardly apparent problems whatsoever. What adult vlogger could possibly embody the strange mix of kickass and retard that is the sex man?
Well, his name is Shane, and he plays the guitar. You know, I bet there's some music snobs out there who would take this man's guitar away from him, but that wouldn't even slow Shane down.
Throw in video after video of discourse on subjects as diverse as Childe Molestation, the Laws of Love, and the Shroud of Turin, and you've got a living portrait of what actually happens when you don't care what other people think about you. Well, that about does it for, oh, hey, I'm actually kind of used to it.
Remember, if you'd like to help us pick our next talk, kill it! Kill it!
I've been your host droid, Michael Swain, Shane, Pruein, take us home. I'm going to sing five hours on the piano.
And B-movie! Oh my god, that was the most awesome, awful shit I've ever seen.
They had bees. A group of bees lifted flame.
Okay? Bees aren't that smart. I don't even think a bunch of damn elephants can lift a plane. Maybe they could, I don't know, but I like to see it done. |
SaturdayNightLive | hr_meeting_snl | Okay everyone, thanks for coming to this mandatory Hr meeting. let's make some noise. Okay, let's start with workplace relationships and generally we discourage it. but of course it happens. So we have a few rules.
Yes, like you can ask a co-worker out once, but if they say no, you cannot ask them again. So wait question. I can ask anyone out one time. I guess Technically yes, sweet Laurel. will you go out with me?
Uh, no. So that's it. Then, Like that doors closed until it resets at the end of the year? No, it doesn't reset. Okay, I think I understand.
I can't ask Laurel out again, which means I have to move on to my second choice, Carly. Will you go out with me? don't love that. you called me your second choice. But sure. see, this is interesting cuz I don't want to go out with Carly.
So can I take that yes and bank it and use it on Laurel? there's no banking it. it's not a game show. Excuse me. I have a query. Okay, Eric, what is it? Are we allowed to ask women if they are ticklish? No, Oh, so you said. I can just go ahead and try another question.
So we all know Clark is gay, right? Nope. Only told you now that we all know Clark is gay, which I'm personally fine with, but since Clark is never gonna ask a woman out due to his condition. Does that mean I can buy Clark's ass? Sure.
20 bucks a pop? Great! It's like 1500. Why do you have so much cash on it?
Does that go to the strip club at lunch? that's why I know you from. You guys work together Laurel, I love you. I think you're smoking hot. will you go out with me?
Still no back to Silver Carly. I can't believe I'm saying this. But yes, See, that's that's what I don't like about you. you want too much? Okay, I'm just gonna bank Carly's yes, Is that cool with everybody? Yeah, no, no, no banking.
Yeses. Oh, yeah. well, we have a query. Um, okay. why are you all using the word query? Well, me and Robert have been secretly hooking up for five months.
Uh, is it bad that I'm his direct superior? Yes, that's obviously bad. Uh-huh. Does it help that I'm just doing it to get a raise? That does not help. No.
Okay, we're just gonna go ahead and wrap this up. Wait, can I say something? I learn something important today. An office is a sacred place and office relationships are tough. but you can only ask someone out once and if they say no, that's it. Okay, that's literally the only thing we've covered today, but here's something you didn't cover. You can bank yeses and they roll over every year and over time they accrue interest and you can trade in your Christmas bonus for 20 new asks. |
dropout | man_of_the_street_pokemon_fail | This is Paul Laudier and we're doing Man of the Street. Today we're harkening back to the 90's asking people if they could list three Pokemon for a dollar. Uh, let's get started. Hi sir, for a dollar could you list three Pokemon? Do I what?
No. She's not into it. He doesn't have time. He doesn't have time to name three Pokemon.
I haven't played in so long. Yeah. Um, Charmander. Uh, Bulbasaur.
It's two.
And, uh, Dildo. It's not a Pokemon. It's a Dildo. It's a Pokemon. Dildo's not a Pokemon. Dildo's a Pokemon. No, it's not. It's not. Dildo's not. You should know what a Dildo is. Everyone does, but that's not a Pokemon. I played the Pokemon red and you get that in Cerulean City when you beat Brock. You get a Dildo.
How are you spelling it? D-I-L-D-O. Cool. Yep, that's normal. It's not coming up, but that doesn't mean it's not a Pokemon.
Well, thanks for playing Man of the Street. No, no, no, no, no. Fortunately sir, you lost. Thank you. I did my part of the bargain. You give me your part of the bargain. I get a dollar now.
You're being very aggressive. The rules of the game are if you name three Pokemon, you get a dollar. You stopped me. I'm busy today. Where were you going? I was going to lunch with my aunt, okay? You're going to get lunch for a dollar? You don't know what I buy. Stop touching me. I'm going to touch you as much as I want.
This is America. What do you mean? This is America. You know, this is America. What do you mean?
This is America.
Yup. Stop.
Go to sleep. Boom. |
dropout | the_midnight_ruin_of_paul_revere_with_chris_parnell_adam_ruins_everything | Let us begin with the founding of our nation, the American Revolution. It's the story of honest, faithful George Washington, who led his band of patriots to victory. Come, patriots, fight for liberty, for freedom, for liberty, and cause we hate tea for some reason. Actually, patriots like Paul Revere, whose midnight ride saved Boston. The British are coming, the British are coming. Uh, that's not. The British are coming. And the brave soldiers of the Continental Army, who, united by a desire to be free, overcame tyranny.
Actually, everything you just said is wrong. That's it. I think you are interrupting my show.
Hi, I'm Adam. Adam? Who in the?
Ah, you must be one of the Frenchmen. You don't come in until later. I'm not French. You're going to tell me you're not French with hair and clothes like that? Nope, not French, but destroying misconceptions is my raison de extra.
Many of the stories we know about the Revolution are really history. They're myths. So I'm here to set the record straight.
Stop dog-earing the page, you jerk. You're ruining it. Sorry, ruining is kind of my thing.
I'm Adam Cunover, and this is Reanimated History. Now that the blonde man is gone, allow me to regale you with the story of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. It was April 18th, 1775.
Paul was set to warn the militiamen of Lexington and Concord of an impending British attack. But first, he needed to know, will they come by land or by sea? That's the signal. One if by land, two if by sea, away to Lexington and Concord. Yeah! The British are coming, the British are coming!
Revere rode through the night, rallying militia with his cries. Dozens of patriot lives were saved, and it was all thanks to one man, Paul Revere.
What a stirring tale. Stirringly inaccurate.
Ah, OK, where are you this time? Are you the horse again? Uh-uh, up here.
First of all, Revere never said, the British are coming. At this point, many people in the colonies were British, so that would have been really confusing. The British are coming, the British are coming! I'm British, and so are you. Are you saying we're coming or you're coming?
Stop yelling in the third person and go to sleep.
They actually called the British army, the Regulars. Oh, I meant to say, the Regulars are coming! Regulars?
Why didn't you size her? Bang bang! Second, Revere didn't ride around the streets yelling.
That would have gotten him captured. This was more of a well-planned intelligence mission.
The Regulars are coming! Sorry, the Regulars are coming. Thank you, no need to yell.
But most importantly, Paul Revere never even completed his midnight ride. What? Remember those famous signal lanterns from the beginning? Revere didn't even see them.
They were actually for a different son of liberty named Dr. Joseph Warren, and for the historic ride, he decided to send William Dawes. Huh? Who on earth is William Dawes? He was another son of liberty and the first man to be sent on the midnight ride.
Revere didn't set out until later, and they wound up warning the militia of Lexington together. The Regulars are coming, the Regulars are coming. Then after leaving Lexington, they were both detained by British soldiers and thrown in jail. Another rider named Samuel Prescott ended up warning Concord. In fact, by then, lots of other riders had already been dispatched to warn the local militias. But if all those riders were warning the towns, that would mean Revere's midnight ride wasn't special at all.
Exactly. In fact, in the years that followed, most people forgot about Revere's midnight ride entirely. It wasn't even mentioned in his obituary. |
dropout | redneck_superheroes_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
That's right. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
And today we are drawing redneck superheroes. Redneck superheroes inspired inspired from the name of someone who suggested or rather the YouTube name of someone who suggested. Not their Christian given name. Unless his parents named him Capin, Capin Murica.
It's so it's so possible. Because they could have. In his crazy messed up country of ours. People are doing crazy things.
He already is the redneck superhero. It's true. We're just trying to live up to the the mission and the you know like the the example that he has set for us. Yeah we got we got a bunch of requests for redneck superheroes. I'm gonna read the name of one person who suggested it. Jeb Banks. Jeb Banks because he has what sounds like a redneck superheroes alter ego name. Like a redneck super villain. Yeah. Mild manna Jeb Banks worked at a gas station in Tulane.
Until. Until a fateful cable repair. A fire happened. What were you gonna say? Fateful cable repair.
And also a fire.
His face got fucked up real bad. And he became a villain named fuckface.
Oh no. Yeah and this is uh. So wait who what you you've already begun drawing a redneck superhero. I did it jumped right in there. Should it be a secret? No. This is um. Oh no it can be if you want to build to it. Well I'm drawing. I think this should be you know and we were talking about that.
We're goofing around. We have fun here. We know it's allowed. We work hard but you know we play hard too. We play hard.
I sleep hard. It's a problem. It's a goddamn problem that my doctor says I have to stop. Yeah you shouldn't be hard when you sleep. It's not just that. I wish it was just that man. I wish it was just a boner but I'm like I'm doing push-ups. I'm screaming. I just sleep hard. I work hard. I sleep hard man.
Right. But I'm drawing. I'll go and say this is G on his head.
Yeah this is Jeb Bush's actual alter ego. Jeb Bush. Not Jeb Bush. Our friend. Jeb Banks. Jeb Banks you know. No not not that jokester. This Jeb Banks his alter ego.
Gravy Lantern. Gravy like. Gravy Lantern.
So okay cuz cuz the Green Lantern has like he's got a magic a magic ring. Yeah. That turns thought into reality. Right but this Jeb. Gravy Lantern. You know his intergalactic gravy truck landed on him after he was leaving his shift at the at the the quick pack in Tulane. Mm-hmm of course. Tulane Arkansas. Yeah of course. Of course. And he got he got gravy powers. He was granted a magical. So does it turn a magic ladle. Thought into graviality. Yes. So he anything he thinks materializes out of gravy.
You couldn't see I'd spent like the last five seconds just like staring slowly at Nathan for that outrageous pun. He just dropped on my lap. It was a great reality.
Yeah man. I'm sorry. It was sopping wet. Oh he's just not he's straight up not wearing a shirt. No of course not. He's a redneck superhero. Oh yeah sure sure. He's wearing jorts obviously. Yeah. Yeah he is. Mm-hmm. And yeah he has a power to turn anything.
I think anything anything a little thing into gravy into the sweet meat the sweet the sauce that is also meat. The sauce that is just just brown the brown liquid. The sweet meat treat that you sip to eat gravy.
That's what it's called. This show is sponsored by that thing that I said. Caldwell you've been you keep slipping into into like a southern more southern cadence when just when describing like when you when you say the word gravy you say gravy. I'm gonna give this should be like it's your heritage.
Yeah. Coming coming back coming back in into into you. In total. He just he just does a tattoo that says intolerance. Okay. He's not a it's in two parts. Yeah.
In tall errands. He did a bad job is the problem here. I guess he'll be holding his ladle and his magical ladle in this hand. I should I should hurry up.
I don't want another like I don't want a repeat of last week where we did a show that lasted for approximately all of YouTube. All of YouTube time. Yeah. YouTube is a unit of time. YouTube HQ was like gosh dang it. Yeah. No more vids.
You're just gonna put the pressure on me to draw. Uh-huh. To draw real quick.
That's and and I will. I'll draw I'll draw real quick. I will. I will do that. I'll do my best. Which I know what kind of shoes you're wearing.
No shoes. No shirt.
He's gone. He's gone swimming.
No problem. Thank you.
In some graves.
Yeah. He's like I think you know he's his name comes from Green Lantern. Right. He's uh he looks more like a an Aquaman. He does kind of. Yeah. For his control of the sweet that's sweet sweet meat sauce.
But as you mentioned yeah you were saying before I'm actually from the South so this is all real. This is all this is all Caldwell. I'm technically from the South. Yeah. Because Maryland is a southern state.
No. But uh yeah no I'm not. You you're not on that mix. Mason Dix. It's uh it is it is not.
You're not from the Dix Maison as it were. I'm from I'm from South of it. The Dix Maison is part of Maryland in fact. It is the northern part.
But yeah no I know. From the South I don't know geography man. Oh there you go. If I was the case in point I knew I knew that. So I must not be from. There you go. Tricked you. South yeah. No I I don't.
Which should he which should his gravy be taking the form of? Um only the most the most redneck thing it could be.
Chicken. A chicken. I wish I had a chicken made of gravy. I wish I had a chicken friend.
I certainly do. Oh my god.
There's not even. I wouldn't. I can't.
I would name him Stonewall Jackson. I'll name him.
Cluck. Cluck Wall Jackson. Stone Cluck.
No hold on. You got it? No.
Cluck Daniels. There you go. Boom. Oh that's good. I'll name him Cluck Daniels. Cluck Daniels.
He is made of gravy. And then he just throws it and it it it splashes. So his foot he's like coming out. Oh he's like leaping out.
That is that's a superhero. This is um coming coming to the he's gonna have his own movie before they make Wonder Woman. There it is they have folks in gravy man's America that's the thing not gravy man's gravy lantern.
I'm gonna G tattoo here. G tattoo. You want to hop in here? I'll draw the the the guy who started it all uh-huh the the man himself.
Yep. Cap'n Cap'n the man. The mistake. Cap'n America.
He's uh he's like Captain America but they when they gave him the serum you know the super soldier serum just a little bit of Mountain Dew got in there. Oh the Mountain Dew a little bit of whiskey and a lot of cough syrup and basically meth. It was meth that got in there and this is what happened.
So is he uh he's gonna have a little beard. Yeah that's uh yeah well he's a mountain man. He's uh you should give him uh you should give him like a number. He should have an M on there but I was thinking you give him like a coonskin cap too. He's a real mountain man.
Yeah yeah this is it's a it the mask just sort of comes out of this yeah this little that's yeah and yeah it's apostrophe M. Yeah it's so confusing for all his villains. Yeah they're like Cap'n. Is this like I like to think this is like bizarro Cap'n America is what's happening here like this is like um ever it's like he stands for America but like the inverse America that Captain America actually wants. Yeah he he wants uh you know America for the just just people from from where he's from. Right he wants a session yeah. Yeah he's uh he's asleep he's like the he's a like the winter soldier he was like a brainwashed to fight for um you know like a splinter cell part of the southern branch of Hydra essentially. The southern branch of Hydra. Yeah yeah he's got uh.
Heil Hodger man. Heil Hodger.
I like it cause it's all about superiority um damn brisket. Hey graven man slime me some of them give me some of that uh break my piece of that chicken. He's got some voluptuous. Yeah I gave him some some man boobs. Well yeah he's sorry about that. You know the super soldier serum was not perfect. It had a wild meth in it. Made him uh oh this is cut.
Yeah you go. He fights for. Oh you know what you should have instead of a shield. What should he have instead of a shield? Ding dang banjo. Okay.
So I feel like we're we're being we're being the insensitive ones. I'm sure there are plenty well I don't know you're you're no I was gonna say like I feel like when people are like oh you struck hat America they're like had a very specific southern like you know person in mine but we're drawing like more of kind of just like a whimsical folkman.
Yeah this is where he's a tall tale but also he does have a gun. He does have a gun.
Oh no he bought that from a Walmart for two dollars. Oh dear he also got an Xbox and 15 cases of Diet Mountain Dew.
This is yeah Apple this is basically a cap map a lot Apple at cap capital at your capital at your great great great and yeah he's got some some shorts. He's really pumping this out all of it. I'm trying I'm trying to you're doing good trying to get it under under time. Oh no you can see. Oh mr.
I'm gonna have to buy more at the store. It's terrible.
Just give him some of those scales on the beater just like. Yeah I like that.
It's great it's very breathable. American flag dance. Oh this is wonderful.
It's not gonna I'm not gonna draw all the stars so I'm gonna draw. He doesn't believe in all the stars. Yeah just just the five true. Or stars in general. Yeah those stars are God's whispers and you can take that right to the bank.
He's got some skinny legs because he is a bit malnourished. Can do some boots.
You guys can solve some serious crime. I know so much about the south slash mountain mountain Appalachian men regions. Uh-huh. Clearly by this.
Nate do you think I could be a mountain man? I consider you a mountain man.
I don't know. I can't grow the beard like. I only know. You grow some scruff. I grow some scruff but like that's not enough. Do we say. You gotta grow enough. Wait.
Okay so he's holding it like it's a shield. He's holding a banja. But it's a banja. Yeah. So it's on his arm. A banja. It's on his arm and. It's invented in Italy.
Banja. The banjia.
Mm-hmm. Draw little little little oven mitt hands. Yeah. I don't have time. Uh-huh. No I think he's actually wearing an oven mitt. Okay cool great.
Because he cooks. He cooks. He cooks so much.
That's the thing. He's just gonna have a little squirrel. Right.
On a spit. That looks like more of a hot dog but. It's a hot dog. When you draw a squirrel. You're saying hot dog squirrel. Start with a hot dog. And with the squirrel. Start with a hot dog and work your way from there. So he's cooking that.
Fight your way out of that paper bag. He's got his banjo. Straight lines. That's the sound I make when I try to draw straight lines. And. There you go.
Bananing ding ding ding ding ding ding. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
The head of the the southern shield. This looks more like a loot.
It's okay. It's fine.
Yeah. You get the point guys. I get the. Give it more coon skinny. That's my fault cuz I took too long on Gravy Lantin. And just just for. What? No. Oh man. Oh this is truly the southern sun.
Oh it sets on you my friend because you are a crime doer and maybe a minority. I don't know is this. What I don't know it's Capilacha does what he wants. I don't subscribe to his brand of justice but that's what it is.
Subscribe to our channel.
Uh-huh. Also. Yeah. And. Oh god. This is far away from these people. I'm so sorry about about giving a little link. Yeah. There you go.
I didn't spend my term. I didn't spend my I didn't fight in.
Strapped. Strapped on there.
There you go. Oh that's great. And guys. Hey. Where's.
Hail Hydra. Hail. Hail Hydra man.
Damn. Damn friggin.
Give him a Hydra tattoo. That's a Hydra. Ding dang Hydra.
Going off the that's right. I don't know. Mm-hmm. I don't know guys. What do you what do you think?
You want some red skull? It's a type of meth I made. Anyway.
Thanks for watching the show. I'm Nathan. I'm Caldwell. We're very sorry. Please subscribe. |
dropout | hiiiiiiiiigh_castle | We're all big fans of Amazon's The Man in the High Castle. Who in the what castle? Man in the High Castle. I never watched it before, I just like it in high.
Today, we've decided to combine the two. And this? This? This is...
High Castle. To the Man in the High Castle is a show in which the Axis powers have beaten the Allies.
That's terrible. And they basically setting up America with the neutrals on in the middle that's not governed by anybody. No, it's like the Wild West. Except it's the Wild Middle now. And the Nazis out of the East Coast.
Boo! Right, Boo forever.
Well, I hope they show her walking through Chinatown or wherever she is and then playing Toss Allen on the scale of old eggs. They're coming again.
Frank Frank. What? No, that sounds good. Frank Frank. Frank? Frank. It's Frank. Yeah, just picture like if his name was Frank Frank, but the last name had an I in it instead of an N. Frank. Frank. Frank Frank. Hi, I'm Frank Frank.
And his best friend, Ed, comes busting. Wise and beer, making cold.
And that's DJ Qualls. That's DJ Qualls. DJ Qualls?
Okay. So they actually don't want Hitler to die. What? They just don't want the poo poo to hit the fan quite yet. Not until they're ready to deal with it. All the poo poo. Yeah. By the way, Frank is Julianna's boyfriend. Then after that meeting.
She's walking home. Runs into Trudy.
And she's like, take this. What is this? Way out.
And there's like a film canister in it. She goes home. She watches the film. This is important. She watches the film. And the film is of America winning the war.
So now Keto has Frank in prison. Keto is like Spock, but not good. Like bad. Now Frank is in prison.
His dick has been inspected. Inspector Keto now knows that he's Jewish. I could overlook this.
Meanwhile Julianna is in the neutral zone. And she has to make contact with somebody from the resistance. And she starts to make friendly with a customer. Check place.
Who makes origami. The guy that makes the origami turns out to be like an agent for the Nazis.
So they decided to meet on a bridge at night. Real great place for a young pretty lady. What a bridge. What a waterfall actually.
Yeah. She goes. She gives him a film canister. And he's like, thank you so much. And then he just tries to push her on the bridge. He tries to assassinate her. That's the exact reaction. Yeah.
But Julianna knows Aikido. And she gives like a slip. Like neither the crotch. Like Aikido Kido.
Joe comes crashing in on a truck. In a van.
To save the day. Come with me if you want to live. We're so helpful to strangers. Pretty ones, are you? Having a good time with Joe while Frank is over here just killing his sister. Where is Julianna Crane? Is it worth dying for her? Oh, that's cold.
Emotionally unavailable. She's an emotionally unavailable girlfriend.
Smith. John Smith. For all intents and purposes. Yeah, John Smith.
He's like, what is it? In Dragon Ball Z where they like power off. He's a super saiyan. Super saiyan, not super saiyan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like natural.
Which blonde hair blue eyes?
There's this fucking crazy bounty hunter. My comparison is no country, no country for old men meets like Willem Dafoe in the face. So he's called himself the Marshal. He's under that waitress. And Togomi the homie. I am trade minister Togomi. And Frank who looks like Rivers Cuomo from Weezer now. Wants to get revenge on the Japanese government and he starts to patch a plot to assassinate the prince. Frank gets woke. Yeah, he gets woke. He has this guy, he has this silly taxi driver moment where he's like practicing, pulling down out and shooting. He's like, you spreaking to me?
They're not supposed to give bullets to white people I think, right? Something like that? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I might have made that up just now, but we're just going to pretend. Yeah, we're going to go with that. We're going to go. Why am I doing this right now?
I'm like a tiny giant. So he has the bullets, he's ready to go get the prince. Howdy. And he goes to get the guy in his pocket and he looks down and he sees a little Japanese boy looking up at innocent angel. Oh my god. He felt just like that. He had the same face but he wasn't showing it.
Yes, that's not worth it. But all of a sudden, the prince gets shot. Boom, boom. They're not even Frank.
Who shoots the prince? We don't know. We don't know who shoots the prince. Yeah, it was the man in the grass. He no shot the prince. But who is that man? I don't know.
I think I need to be more high to figure the rest of this out. I think so. That could help. I wasn't high when I smoked it. Let's smoke. |
dropout | which_of_the_friends_are_you_bad_internet | One, two, three, four, B, L, C. And then you step backwards and you squash the slug with his bare foot and it just like exploded everywhere. It was so cool. So gross.
I'm trying to eat breakfast. No, you're not. I'm just staring at it. What are you, nervous? No, I'm not. Jeez, you're such a brat. Mom, can I have Sarah's milkshake? She's not hungry.
I remember the day I got sorted. I didn't sleep a wink. And I only managed half a shake before I threw up everywhere. Did you know, you know where you'd be placed? Well, no, I wasn't sure. But then I wasn't surprised either. The quiz is very accurate. I wish I knew it was on it. Well if you knew, it wouldn't be fair now, would it? You nervous? God, I was. I only managed half a shake before I puked everywhere.
That's what makes us Monica's, I guess. Very highly strung. I can't believe our little girl's finally going to find out which of the friends from French she is. I've got a pretty good guess. Yeah, everyone knows she's going to be a gunther.
Oliver, take that back. Just kidding.
We'll be there for you, kiddo, however you get sorted. Because you're there for us too. That's how it works. I'll be there for you, Sarah. I'll be there for you, Alex.
Have you studied? Man, I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't studied. Everyone knows you can't study, you liar.
Aren't you nervous? Are you kidding me? Could I be any more of a Phoebe? Can you stop messing around? The Rachel is coming? You are such a Ross.
I'll be there for you.
For many years, our society lived in conflict and strife. Life was hard. Our jobs were a joke, we were broke, and a nuclear holocaust wiped out most of humanity. But we finally came to the fundamental truth that every member of society fits snugly into one of six types.
The monarchs, practical and nurturing. The Rosses, scientific yet lovable. The Phoebes, such creative forces. The Chandlers, oh, just the funniest. The Joes. How you doing? Loyal and charming. And of course, the Rachels. They were born leaders with a flair for fashion. They were all so different, but they somehow all worked so well together despite their differences because they were friends. Today is a very special day when our bright young people are given their futures.
So let us begin, shall we? Gunthers, please prepare the quiz.
Anything for you, the Rachel. Okay, you know what? That's gross. Please just do your job. Alex Andrews. Okay, buddy. Here's your bro-shirt.
Winston Banks. Sarah Brand. Carrie. Who's Carrie?
I have no idea what... Friends? Friends!
Let's just take a brief enjoyment while the leader of the Six Houses discusses his minor technical hiccups. Shall we? Ms. Brand? Okay. We are on a break! So can I still go or what?
I just like taking tests. You're such a ross! There must be a glitch in the system. The system is foolproof. The rosses have gone over the quiz time and time.
What if she picked a set of answers no one's ever picked before? Okay. That's about as likely as a Gunther ending up with a Rachel, am I right? She could be a Carrie. Why not?
A Sex and the City character? In the Friends universe? They're two totally different New Yorks! We had a mad about you crossover.
This is not mad about you! Okay? Now our entire system of government is predicated on people knowing which one of the friends from Friends they are. Do you guys want to go back to when times were bad? Huh? When we weren't there for each other? When the rain started to fall? Is that what you want? Because that's what you're doing! Don't touch me!
Yeah. If we let her be a Carrie, we might as well tell everybody about the other quizzes. There are other quizzes. Ross and Rachel, just because you guys are each other's lobsters, do you think you can walk all over the rest of us? Yeah.
This is supposed to be an ensemble. And if anyone knows that, it's us Joes. I mean, we just don't work on our own. God knows we tried.
Why don't we just make her a stupid Gunther and be done with it, okay? Obviously, because of the gunther. It's a better idea!
Excuse me!
Caesar! Hello Gunthers, I'm talking to you! Caesar! Go!
Come with me if you want to live. Wait, aren't you the dancer's neighbor who was complaining about all the noise from friends? Used to be nothing more. Now I'm the rock. Welcome to the resistance. The the rock?
Really? You don't see it? I mean, you know, it's just that you made a Terminator reference earlier, so I figured you'd be Schwarzenegger or something. Come with me, there's some people I want you to meet. But you're all... How?
We all took the which friends from friends a you quiz. First, we lived as everyone else did, with a tiny voice in our head saying something wasn't right. Until we realized our true selves. I used to be a Ross. It seems so ridiculous now. We don't know how you did it, Sarah, but you beat it. You beat the quiz. It's a miracle. But how do you know you were who you are?
It's a Motorola. I'm on the radio show. We're helping the people we can.
It's just that there's so few of these quiz machines left. It's a painfully slow process. It's also a pain in the ass. We've been trying to find a way to do it manually, but we haven't been able to figure anything out. Does anyone have a notepad and some colored markers?
Well, it seems this little Monica's upstart daughter has ideas above her station. Well, there's only one form of punishment fit for this kind of treachery, but it seems Sarah is hiding away. Well, it seems almost unfair that no one should suffer.
Bring out the turkey of shame! Sarah! Save yourself! I'll always be there for you! Sarah, you have the power to end this. Just bring back the laptop, and then everything will go back to normal.
Citizens of New York, California. Our leaders have been keeping something from us, something we all deserve to know.
There are more quizzes! Don't listen to her. She's... she's stuck in second gear! Oh, my mom. Get ready to drop your truth bombs. Ma! What are those? It's the other quizzes.
Don't look at those! Don't look at me! No! Oh, my God.
I'm a Frasier. I'm a Frasier! I'm a Posh Spice.
I always felt it, but now I know. Yeah, definitely still a Ross.
Why are you doing this, Sarah? I thought you were my lobster. But you're not my Mr. Big. Can I at least be your PETA? No, you're my Gayo. I love you, but we're just not destined to be together.
Spoiler alert! No, please! Please, no!
I'll give you anything! I'll give you my central perk paper and I'll give you my Calvin Klein jeans! I'll give you my hair straighteners, please!
I just don't want to die! Do I look like I need hair straighteners? We are not friends anymore! And so, as the world as we knew it stood in ashes around us, I asked myself some fundamental questions. If anyone can be anything, does knowing what you are still have worth? Does friendship mean anything if you're forced into it? And would I look cute as a blonde?
So, no way. Seems like we're always stuck in second gear. Nothing's our view.
Come with me if you want to live. Wait, aren't you the dancer's neighbor who was complaining about all the noise from friends? Used to be, not anymore. Now I'm the rock. Welcome to the resistance. The the rock?
Really? You don't see it? I mean, you know, it's just that you made a Terminator reference earlier, so I figured you'd be Schwarzenegger or something. Come with me, there's some people I want you to meet. But you're all... How?
We all took the which friends from friends are you quiz. First, we lived as everyone else did, with a tiny voice in our head saying something wasn't right. Until we realized our true selves. I used to be a Ross. It seems so ridiculous now. We don't know how you did it, Sarah, but you beat it. You beat the quiz. It's a miracle. But how do you know you were who you are?
It's a Motorola. Come on, the radio show. We're helping the people we can.
It's just that there's so few of these quiz machines left. It's a painfully slow process. It's also a pain in the ass. We've been trying to find a way to do it manually, but we haven't been able to figure anything out. Does anyone have a notepad and some colored markers?
Well, it seems this little Monica's upstart daughter has ideas above her station. Well, there's only one form of punishment fit for this kind of treachery, but it seems Sarah is hiding away. Well, it seems almost unfair that no one should suffer.
Bring out the turkey of shame! Sarah! Save yourself! I'll always be there for you! Sarah, you have the power to end this. Just bring back the laptop and then everything will go back to normal. Citizens of New York, California, our leaders have been keeping something from us, something we all deserve to know. There are more quizzes! Don't listen to her! She's... She's stuck in second gear! Call my mom. Get ready to drop your truth bombs. Ma!
What is it? What are those? It's the other quizzes.
Don't look at those! Don't look at me! No! Don't... Oh, my God!
I'm a Frasier! I'm a Posh Spice.
I always felt it, but now I know. Yeah, definitely still a Ross.
Ugh! Why are you doing this, Sarah?
I thought you were my lobster. I might be your lobster, but you're not my Mr. Bing. Should I at least be your PETA? No, you're my Gail. I love you, but we're just not destined to be together.
Spoiler alert! No, please! Please, no!
I'll give you anything! I'll give you my central perk paper and I'll give you my Calvin Klein jeans! I'll give you my hair straighteners! Please!
I just don't want to die! Do I look like I need hair straighteners? We are not friends anymore! And so, as the world as we knew it stood in ashes around us, I asked myself some fundamental questions. If anyone can be anything, does knowing what you are still have worth? Does friendship mean anything if you're forced into it? And would I look cute as a blonde? |
ClickHole | 7_tips_for_meeting_your_girlfriend_s_parents | Meeting a significant other's parents for the first time is an intimidating moment in any relationship. But if you play your cards right, it can actually be an enjoyable experience. First impressions are everything. So when you meet your girlfriend's parents, introduce yourself as Hollywood leading man Richard Gere, as this will immediately establish credibility and trust.
If bringing a gift, bring something that shows you're thoughtful, like an alligator head to watch over them while they sleep, or a really good and versatile stick. The sooner you can break the ice, the better. A good way to do this is to chase your girlfriend's mother with an electric razor, pretending like you're going to shave her head. If you like, go ahead and buzz off a little chunk.
Both parents will be impressed by your confidence. Your girlfriend's parents will want to see not only that you like their daughter, but that you also respect her. So whenever you address her, use an appropriately reverent title, such as venerable empress at whose feet I weep, exalted lord of my fevered admiration, or president Barack Obama. When it comes to conversation, score brownie points by talking about things your girlfriend's parents are interested in. If her mother's into gardening, talk about how cemeteries are just giant gardens where you plant corpses as seeds to grow nightmares. If her father likes golf, explain some of the many similarities between cemeteries and golf courses. If your girlfriend's parents are more traditional, chances are they'll be trying to gauge your potential as a protector and provider for their daughter.
So find a way to subtly show them all the baseball gloves you have. This will show them that you make enough money to purchase fine leather goods in abundance and that you are such an astounding physical specimen that you require much more athletic gear than the average man. To gauge whether the night has gone well, try this simple trick.
Take out your gun and put it in your mouth like you're going to kill yourself.
If your parents try to stop you, then it's pretty clear they've taken a liking to you. But if they applaud and talk about how happy this makes them, chances are you still haven't won them over.
Adhere to these seven easy tips and you're guaranteed to make a great impression. Good luck! |
SaturdayNightLive | lampreys_saturday_night_live | Honey, I just wonder if we're doing the right thing. he loves those little critters so much. I know he's raised them from when they were small, but he's got to understand. they're wild animals.
Hi, Timmy, why don't you have a seat? Your mom and I have something we want to talk to you about. Sure, but first, I better spray my Lampreys. your skin needs to stay moist, You know Timmy, this is important. Okay, Mom, Timmy, Your teacher called today. she said you feigned it again. I just got a little dizzy. that's all she thinks. It's because of your lampreys. No, I just needed some lunch and some fluids. Timmy, We've been noticing that you sleep 18 or 19 hours a day. Well, that's just it, Sweetheart. you're not growing. in fact, you've lost 25 pounds, Son, your mother, and I think that maybe it's time to let your lamp Lampreys go.
They'll find another host. No, they won't Timmy.
Do you remember when we went on vacation and you went and jumped in Lake Huron? and when you came out? you were all covered with lampreys. I sure do. Everyone thought it was so cute, but then you said you wanted to raise them and gradually they became attached to you. And I don't mean just by their rasping mouth parts, but now they're grown up and grown up animals Want to have sex. Timmy, Those Lampreys need to migrate out to sea and mate so they can create millions upon millions of other lampreys that will attach themselves to passing creatures and suck the life out of them. It's nature's way I see you. The good news, Mr. Mrs. Phillips is that Timmy's lamprey punctures seem to be healing nicely.
The bad news is that the sonogram shows Timmy has a very large liver fluke attached to his liver. Well, what's a liver fluke? it's a parasitic nematode or worm.
Can I keep him, Dad? Can I keep him?
Well, what do you think, Doctor? Well, I guess it would be okay. |
dropout | tinderella_a_modern_fairy_tale | There once was a beautiful girl who was known to swipe left all day until she found a charming prince who was only a mile away. The prince was none too picky, but this one was out of his league. He'd never seen a maiden so fair plus he hadn't had sex in a week.
And so their courtship did blossom. They planned to meet up that night. She'd donned her prettiest dress and a pair of control-type tights. Tinder-rally, Tinder-rally, show some cleavers Tinder- The ball was full of creepers. They scoped her low and high.
She couldn't find her handsome prince cause her battery just died. The prince was so distraught, a lass and a lack of all the girls he'd messaged. She was the hottest who rode back. So he took out her selfie and he searched far and wide from the girls doing shots to the ones smoking outside. The prince felt defeated and also pretty drunk.
But then out of nowhere he saw his one true love. She snuck out that morning at half past 4am and they lived happily ever after because they never spoke again. |
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