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cracked | 4_anime_movies_hollywood_keeps_stealing_from_staff_picks | This is like if a movie, if a guy made a movie about everything that I was terrified of when I was high. Plus. Plus, yeah, just drunks of giant boobs. Welcome back to StackPix, where today we are going to be picking movies to go into what is going to be the best video rental store on the planet. I am Danielle Radford today, along with my cohost, Patrick Williams, and our guests, Jordane Searles and Jordan Olds. And we are going to be talking anime now.
We are at Film Noir, which Film Noir is actually one of the last video rental stores left in New York. And it's also a cinema, which is why it's called Film Noir Cinemas.
For this episode, we are going to be talking anime. That's right. And since we covered specifically Miyazaki and he tends to dominate so much of the conversation, especially here in the West, when it comes to anime, we are just going to talk about non-Miyazaki anime. Everything that's not directed by this one guy, that's what we're covering in this episode. Okay, enough chitchat.
Let's get into the picks. Jordan, you can go first this time. Oh, great.
So for me, anime is a big blind spot. I've been told for years that Ghost in the Shell is like one of the top animes ever made. And for me, I was like, I haven't seen that. Or Akira, I flipped a coin. It was Ghost in the Shell. And this is like if a movie, if a guy made a movie about everything that I was terrified of when I was high, plus... plus...
Hot naked women. Plus, yeah, just drawings of giant boobs. Giant drawings of boobs is like kind of a big part of the genre, a little bit, from what I've seen.
You are a noted expert. Sure, I mean, as an expert. As an expert. As an actual anime expert.
I mean, giant boobs are kind of like, they're like a flourish, you know? I knew the boob thing was going to be a thing when I first saw the Street Fighter anime. And I was like, this is just immediate titties.
Jordan, is this why you chose Ghost in the Shell and not Akira? I was trying to pick something that maybe wouldn't unsettle me. And this I picked so wrong. Cause I was devastated by this movie. The thing is, Akira is like spirited away.
Our winner last time, it's that it has a giant baby. It has a giant baby?
Yeah. Okay, well now I'm in. You'll love it.
What do you think Ghost in the Shell is about? I'm so curious. Did you think it was like spooky? I did, I assumed it was honestly going to be kind of just like the animatrix or something.
And it kind of is? It kind of is.
I mean, the animatrix is Ghost in the Shell. The matrix wouldn't exist without Ghost in the Shell 100%.
The idea of this movie is unbelievable. It's so unbelievable that I was like, this is like my greatest fear, which is dying and someone puts me in a fucking robot baby and I'm not dead. That sounds honestly horrifying. Anime is like nightmares.
And then also draw, yeah, it's drawing some boobs a lot of the time. It is, and it's not a problem. I don't have a problem with there being boobs in it. I just, I'm looking at it and I'm like, I'm imagining just a guy drawing boobs. And that's different than boobs. Yeah, don't take it to deviant art. Don't imagine the person like behind it.
But it's animated, so they drew a lot of frames. Exactly, I'm like, beginning of this movie, it's like boobs in water. So they're like moving around and he spent so much time. The credits are rolling over. It's kind of, I mean, it is kind of like the anime version of like the opening Heidel sequence of Barbarella. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's a great opening.
That was what Robocop missed. Robocop is also about, I wish I was dead, but now I'm being made to be put into a machine.
But doesn't have titties. No. Doesn't have titties.
After watching this, I think that this is such a key gateway into the genre because the animation is so unbelievable. There's not a repeated frame in this entire thing. It is devastatingly scary to me. It is a masterpiece.
Should I go? Yeah. Yeah, go. Okay.
I'm going to say I'm an anime intermediate person, not an expert. There's so much I haven't seen, especially when it comes to anime television because there's so much of it.
But for movies, I went with another nineties classic. I went with Satoshi Kon's Perfect Blue. Satoshi Kon, one of the great tours of Japanese animation, whose career was cut tragically short. He only made like four or five movies, but he's one of the people who's up there with Miyazaki. And I couldn't pick any of his movies. The reason I went with Perfect Blue is this is his first movie as a director.
And some of his later ones get into very surreal imagery, the kind of stuff you can only do in animation. We're talking Paprika, we're talking Millennium Actress, stuff like that. If you like look at the script for this movie, this is the kind of movie that would normally just be made as a live action movie. This is like a psychological thriller horror movie. A young girl who's like a pop star who decides to transition into an acting career and then having like some sort of like crazy stalker and starts losing her grip on reality as like it seems like maybe someone is trying to kill her. Nothing about that fits into what we generally think of as animation. We think animation, we think usually fantastical stuff. Even like the Miyazaki stuff, it's all, with the exception of The Wind Rises, fantasy. And I think Perfect Blue is a really great argument for how animation can do everything. And this is a serious psychological thriller for adults that is really pretty gnarly and upsetting.
It's great. It's really, really good. I love it. I just, I re-watched it the other day. It is a blast. And in terms of like, you know, talking about like, you know, what animation can do and what's possible there, and especially the kind of stuff that is like never being done in Western animation, I think this makes a strong case for it.
Jordana, you've seen Perfect Blue. I mean, yeah, of course, it's Perfect Blue.
And I mean, also it's like one of the most ripped off piece of all time, really. Yeah, I mean- I mean, Ghost in the Shell too. But Americans love ripping off Ghost in the Shell and they love ripping off Perfect Blue.
And specifically, you know, there's the big one, starring Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, those people. You were explaining it and I was like, did they do this with Black Swan? Black Swan is this. Yeah, it's like, here's the thing. If you see like an American thriller where someone looks into a mirror at the reflection, but then the reflection does something different, this is kind of the movie where that came from.
Yeah, I mean, Satoshi is a genius. Like he was a genius, a famous depressed king, as are a lot of anime directors.
But yeah, such a fascinating one because it becomes more relevant over time, not just because of the Black Swan comparison, which everybody has made at this point, but also just because, you know, this is about a girl who is like a pop idol and like pop idol culture in Japan is like very different. Like you're specifically this thing. So the idea of her becoming an actress, of her being able to do that, and especially like a role that takes something from her, like emotionally the main character. She's switching careers and she's not sure if she's gonna be taken seriously. Kind of like, you know, when Britney Spears was in Crossroads. She famously was. And Dan Aykroyd played her dad in that movie. That was weird.
It's also a movie that really, like I think was ahead of its time in terms of like getting into the internet. Oh yeah, very internet. It is a movie about how you should not read comments about yourself if you're a public figure on the internet. It's such a great movie for that. Like you should really just not be online.
It's a great argument. It reminds me a lot of like what the original premise for the idol was gonna be.
Danielle, what do you have for us? So I chose, mine is a little bit newer compared to the other movies that came out. I went with Your Name.
Hey, it's great. Yeah, Your Name, I think it's really sweet. It's like a little bit of a romantic comedy. It is a body swap, which I am a sucker for a body swap, but it's like both body swap meets time travel meets please don't destroy my town. I can't think of like anywhere else. Anyways, like to describe it. And it's just about like this really sweet couple that keeps waking up in the other's bodies. I think it's a really sweet, sweet movie.
And especially, I think recently, I am in my romantic bag. I'm in my rom-com bag. I'm in my like, I wanna watch something that's like a little fluffy.
And this has a lot of other things going on in it too. There's a lot going on in that movie. There is a lot going on in that movie.
Like the cute part with the people who fall in love while waking up, you know, in each other's bodies is like part of it. But there's also like, you know, a town is about to be destroyed. And like, there's like a, but yeah, there's like steak steaks. It's not just like super cute. It starts out as like a fun teen body swap kind of comedy. And then it evolves into more stuff, but you don't wanna say too much about it.
And it wasn't this, correct me if I'm wrong, wasn't this finally the movie that might've like broken Spirited Away's record for like at the box office in Japan? Like it was the biggest thing in like 20 years. It was very popular.
And there's lots of, also secret messages. I love secret messages. Who doesn't like a movie that's got like little secret, like I'm leaving you like a little secret messagey thing.
And next we are going to go to Jordane. What did you grab?
I have another Satoshi Kon, which is Millennium Actress, which is my favorite from him. It's like his masterpiece. It's kind of hard. Cause like there's only like one Satoshi Kon movie that I don't actually enjoy watching.
And it's Paprika. Paprika is very important. You should watch it.
Nolan ripped it off for Inception. That's the other thing where it's like Satoshi Kon has been plundered to death.
This is one that has not really been ripped off cause you really can't rip off Millennium Actress, which is kind of like a tour through like Japanese film history, but in the view of just like a woman who like played all of these like integral parts and she was in these films and it's like a history lesson, but in anime form. And it's just such a beautiful poetic way of like going in and out from certain films that she's in. Ah, and the ending is so beautiful.
Yeah, I almost picked it. For me, I was coming down to Perfect Blue and Millennium Actress, and I wanted to rewatch them both. Those were the two that I put in too. It was like either Perfect Blue or Millennium Actress. I only had time to rewatch Perfect Blue, so I was like, someone else is gonna pick Millennium Actress.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one is great just because it's actually an anime that's like very like invested in Japan, especially for like an American audience watching it. You get to know like so much about the culture and the film history and like the actress at the middle of this, she's based on like several like classic Japanese actresses. I mean, what do you think about it? I mean, I love it.
It's been about like a decade or so since I last watched it, so this is why I wanted to rewatch it for this. In terms of like why I might pick it, I was like, you know, it's also like a- Yeah, it's kind of why I chose it last because it's not, there aren't really a lot of anime movies that are structured like this that are about something like this, you know, in terms of just like history. I mean, a lot of anime engages with history, but they do it in a more abstract way, whereas like Millennium Actress is very direct. And it's the thing where I was sort of figuring out how to say this in a way that doesn't make it sound like you're watching like a documentary. It's like, watch this animated movie to learn about the history of Japanese film.
It's also just like gorgeous. It looks incredible. And there's just like this beautiful, like there's kind of like a love story at the middle of it, but it's like a very, it's not love and the idea that you know, like two people in love. It's kind of just like the pursuit of love. And it's just like very like profound and you know, like it makes me cry. Damn, that's beautiful. Yeah. What a beautiful idea.
And so those are our picks. We have two movies by the same director. And then we have like a 90s classic and a modern classic. Daniella, have you seen either of these two? I've not seen either one of these.
Okay. So that is a gap in my knowledge that I need to fix. So this is kind of us making our pictures for like, hey guys, here's movies by this director and you haven't seen them and, but they're good. Well, that's exactly what staff picks are. True. Right. Well, usually we've all seen the movies. There've been a couple where we haven't. That's true.
This is a situation where I've seen almost, I literally just watched Ghost in the Shell. So I'm fresh. Think that for that reason, we maybe shouldn't pick Ghost in the Shell. Hearing you guys describe each of these movies has gotten me interested to watch all of them. I want to watch all of them. The part of the show I like the least is when I have to be like, here's why I want to reject things, but deliver a case against something. But I am going to say, you know, I feel like the way that we're interpreting staff picks, like the thing that might not be the immediate choice, you know, the ones that we're recommending because we're the staff. We picked Spirited Away from Miyazaki. We picked the biggest, most famous one because it's also the best. Right. Ghost in the Shell is also such like the short list of like first anime movies. It was your first anime movie. Literally. Outside of Miyazaki. Maybe we should, for the staff picks, go a little bit deeper into ones that like, might not be the first one that people have seen.
Yeah, I agree. I totally agree.
I kind of think it should be Perfect Blue. Perfect Blue, like, does it stick in the cultural memory, I think, as hard as it should. And that's kind of my feeling about it. Like I was, Perfect Blue, I feel like not just in terms of animated movies, it should just be on any list of like the best psychological thrillers ever made. Yeah. Like, yeah, we got to go. You're the expert. We got to go with Perfect Blue. It's going to be really fun to watch this and then have that moment when you're like, oh, this is in everything now. It's like when you first watch like, a Casablanca or something, and then go back and watch like, The Simpsons, you know, or any like older movie and then go back and watch The Simpsons and you're like, oh, there's a million references I didn't get. So, are we going to say it? Is it Perfect Blue?
Yeah, I'm good with that. Aha. Okay.
We've got four phenomenal films, but only one can make it to the wall. And it's going to be Satoshi Kon's Perfect Blue, a gnarly little psychological thriller animated by Madhouse Studios, not for children.
And that does it for another exciting episode of Staff Picks. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time. All right, enough dilly dally. Let's get into the picks.
I think it's the worst. I hate it.
Sorry. You threw me off. I'm going to start over. I'm sorry.
I was like, I talk now. You said dilly dally and I was like, I got to get in. I get it. Okay. It's about it.
And wasn't this, correct me if I'm wrong, wasn't this finally the movie that might've like broken Spirited Away's record for like at the box office in Japan? Like it was the biggest thing in like 20 years. That was very popular.
And there's lots of, also secret messages. I love secret messages. Who doesn't like a movie that's got like little secret, like I'm leaving you like a little secret messagey thing.
And next we are going to go to Jordane. What did you grab?
I have another Satoshi Kon, which is Millennium Actress, which is my favorite from him. It's like his masterpiece. It's kind of hard. Cause like there's only like one Satoshi Kon movie that I don't actually enjoy watching.
And it's Paprika. Paprika is very important. You should watch it.
Nolan ripped it off for Inception. That's the other thing where it's like Satoshi Kon has been plundered to death.
This is one that has not really been ripped off cause you really can't rip off Millennium Actress, which is kind of like a tour through like Japanese film history, but in the view of just like a woman who like played all of these like integral parts and she was in these films and it's like a history lesson, but in anime form. And it's just such a beautiful poetic way of like going in and out from certain films that she's in. Ah, and the ending is so beautiful.
Yeah, I almost picked it. For me, I was coming down to Perfect Blue and Millennium Actress and I wanted to rewatch them both. Those were the two that I put in too. It was like either Perfect Blue or Millennium Actress. I only had time to rewatch Perfect Blue, so I was like, someone else is gonna pick Millennium Actress.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one is great just because it's actually an anime that's like very like invested in Japan, especially for like an American audience watching it. You get to know like so much about the culture and the film history and like the actress at the middle of this, she's based on like several like classic Japanese actresses. I mean, what do you think about it? I mean, I love it.
It's been about like a decade or so since I last watched it. So this is why I wanted to rewatch it for this. In terms of like why I might pick it, I was like, you know, it's also like a- Yeah, it's kind of why I chose it last because it's not, there aren't really a lot of anime movies that are structured like this, that are about something like this, you know, in terms of just like history. I mean, a lot of anime engages with history, but they do it in a more abstract way, whereas like Millennium Actress is very direct. And it's the thing where I was sort of figuring out how to say this in a way that doesn't make it sound like you're watching like a documentary. It's like, watch this animated movie to learn about the history of Japanese film.
It's also just like gorgeous. It looks incredible. And there's just like this beautiful, like there's kind of like a love story at the middle of it, but it's like a very, it's not love and the idea that you know, like two people in love. It's kind of just like the pursuit of love. And it's just like very like profound and you know, like it makes me cry. Damn, that's beautiful. Yeah. What a beautiful idea.
And so those are our picks. We have two movies by the same director. And then we have like a 90s classic and a modern classic. Daniella, have you seen either of these two? I've not seen either one of these.
Okay. So that's a gap in my knowledge that I need to fix. So this is kind of us making our pictures for like, hey guys, here's movies by this director and you haven't seen them and, but they're good. Well, that's exactly what staff picks are. True. Right. Well, usually we've all seen the movies. There've been a couple where we haven't. That is true.
This is a situation where I've seen almost, I literally just watched Ghost in the Shell. So I'm fresh. Think that for that reason, we maybe shouldn't pick Ghost in the Shell. Hearing you guys describe each of these movies has gotten me interested to watch all of them. I want to watch all of them. The part of the show I like the least is when I have to be like, here's why I want to reject things, but I'll like deliver a case against something. But I am going to say, you know, I feel like the way that we're interpreting staff picks, like the thing that might not be the immediate choice, you know, the ones that we're recommending because we're the staff.
We picked Spirited Away from Miyazaki. We picked the biggest, most famous one because it's also the best. Right. Ghost in the Shell is also such like the short list of like first anime movies. It was your first anime movie. Literally. Outside of Miyazaki.
Maybe we should, for the staff picks, go a little bit deeper into ones that like, might not be the first one that people have seen. Yeah, I agree. I kind of think it should be Perfect Blue. Perfect Blue like, doesn't stick in the cultural memory, I think as hard as it should. And that's kind of my feeling about it. Like I was, Perfect Blue, I feel like not just in terms of animated movies, it should just be on any list of like the best psychological thrillers ever made. Yeah. Like, yeah, we got to go. You're the expert. We got to go with Perfect Blue. It's going to be really fun to watch this and then have that moment when you're like, oh, this is in everything now. It's like when you first watch like a Casablanca or something and then go back and watch like, The Simpsons, you know, or any like older movie and then go back and watch The Simpsons and you're like, oh, there's a million references I didn't get. So are we going to say it? Is it, is it Perfect Blue?
Yeah, I'm good with that. Aha. Okay.
We've got four phenomenal films, but only one can make it to the wall. And it's going to be Satoshi Kon's Perfect Blue, a gnarly little psychological thriller animated by Madhouse Studios, not for children.
And that does it for another exciting episode of Staff Picks. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time. All right. Enough dilly dally. Let's get into the picks.
I think it's the worst. I hate it.
Sorry, you threw me off. I'm going to start over. I'm sorry.
I was like, I talk now. You said dilly dally. And I was like, I gotta, I gotta get in. I get it. Okay. |
wearethesundayblues | hipsters_hashtags_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hipsters and hashtags, blackwhites and op eds Clown shirts, pep shapes, bikes with no brake pads Hipsters and hashtags, blackwhites and op eds Clown shirts, pep shapes, bikes with no brake pads No night on the town with my hashtag bestie No stress about them roadblocks when you're riding on a fixie Kick down with, with the flavor, the art I don't listen to a tune that's even entered the chart Tell my parents to exclusive, you probably never heard us I crafted my guitar out of driftwood and hovers I don't even know when or where our next gig is I usually get a text to say the show starts in ten minutes What?
Ten minutes?
I got a pencil case bitch full of pencils and shit I keep it on me all the time behind my moon bag zip I keep my moon bag inside my moon bag case Which I carry on my shoulder in my moon bag case Hey, creativity's a curse I wish I could switch it off But I can't stop making art all about G-Craft even when I'm on Clifton Mall Yo, the doctors diagnosed me with CCD Chronic Rehab Disorder at the tender age of three Yo, I tie my hands up when I end up painting with my feet I'm takesaving balls for the purpose of a kiddish running poetry in my sleep Hipsters and hashtags, blackwhites and op eds Clown shirts, pep shapes, bikes with no brake pads Hashtag sylvie, hashtag wise Hashtag contemplating, hashtag life Hashtag moody, hashtag thas Hashtag homeless man standing with a knife I only wash my hair with organic penguin droppings My cologne consists of tears of joy from new parents adopting You can stare all you want but I ain't gonna change the fact that I like All green fade lactating, hamster milk in my flat whites Yo, I'm over all these corporates sick of working for the man I'm working for these suits, I got my own unique plan Gonna stick it to these big ass corporations that are Gonna blog about my hatred from the comfort of my back Hipsters and hashtags, blackwhites and op eds Clown shirts, pep shapes, bikes with no brake pads Hipsters and hashtags, blackwhites and op eds Clown shirts, pep shapes, bikes with no brake pads I'm sick of all the haters, always hating on the hipster Writing all we love cos they are super sad and bitter Like jacket shirts, hipster, frozen desserts, hipster Carpet dreams, hipster, even falconry, hipster To think of it there's very little left that isn't hipster Can't even take a photo on your phone and add a filter Sometimes I get mixed up between my grandpa and my sister And my dog is wearing clothes made from the board game not his twister Maybe it's time to change and take the next logical step To escape all of the hate I gotta bring out some old friends Camo pants, water chains, metal palms, SHIT And a yin yang simple on a chain to rub on 90s fool, it's the way to go Nobody telling you your whack was simply growing out your mold You can keep your clown shirts, snap chains, admit it's Twitter All I want is hashtag for you to take me to your dealer Uh, uh, Dawson's Creek, bitch Yeah, the truth is out there Hipster!
Yeah |
cracked | how_to_ruin_your_favorite_sitcoms_with_simple_math_after_hours | My meal was $14 20% of 14 is okay. Well 20% of a dollar is two cents So two times 14 is 28 cents. Okay, no, no $20 is 20% of 14 if you know $208 this is painful really happy you guys stuck around to see this can't believe I've never seen it before How long does he go on about 15 minutes?
He'll get frustrated and just leave some jewels He leaves the waitress jewelry for my birthday He gave me some cheap ass frame with his picture glued on the glass. I'm not jewelry jewels Just loose jewels.
Haven't you guys ever wondered why we're allowed to stay here so late after they close? Hey beautiful mine, they're gonna need to open soon for breakfast. Would you like some help?
No. Yeah, who taught you basic math? soup server Severe's Snape Hogwarts, I got there. This is stupid. This is such a pointless skill Name one time in your life that math has actually made your life better other than this exact moment for which I have found a Suitable workaround buddy buddy math does not exist to make things better It exists to empower you to tear things apart Michael. No, that's not the Let's see what this goes I got nowhere to be do like power I'll show you think of the most comforting thing you can something beyond reproach And then the three of us will ruin it with math The average human being only uses 17% of his brain.
What are you guys what that means? We don't use a full 64% The Cosby show my how could anyone but smurge the hallowed name it holds up The show's universe holds up does it Let's see Dan. I'm gonna need you for a footnote got it Cliff Huxtable celebrates his 50th birthday in season three turning 50 is a Monumental event in a man's life Two years later his wife Claire celebrates her 46th birthday in season five That's only one candle mom's 46 episode 20 entitled cliffs 50th birthday and episode 22 Entitled birthday blues respectively you read very fast So simple math tells us the cliff Huxtable was 52 at the time of his wife's 46th birthday because each season the kids progress one grade in school, which makes him six maybe seven years older than Claire, right? Yes, maybe I don't know. Do you like rubies? Then in season seven they celebrate their 27th anniversary together. Have you a mom figured out what you're gonna do for your anniversary. We slightly have good to see you after 27 years yes, which means that when they got married Claire was only 21 awfully young So that's a prerogative.
I mean she can get married when you oh no I am defending the Cosby show but here's the real dagger in season one We find out that cliff went to Hillman College for one very specific reason He knew that's where Claire wanted to go. Which one would you have chosen hell man? Sure Because that's where your mother was going So in the very first year of his adulthood cliff Huxtable made a decision about where he wanted to go to college based on the ambitions of a 12 year old girl that he was interested in Oh gross Michael's right. They even dated while he was at Hillman She couldn't go to her high school dance because he had junior finals that week. No, I didn't go to my prom Well, your father was away at school he had to take final exams so he couldn't come so that puts him at 21 and heard 15 The fact is Heathcliff Huxtable used years of his adult life to tinker with the mind of an impressionable young girl Just to make sure she would love jazz and stupid sweaters enough that she'd have no choice But to fall in love with him, and he is the protagonist Marth Wow gosh Michael that was really well done.
I don't think in a million years.
I could ever just got one you did Cheers. Yes great show. Hey cheers to cheers. Hey, is it a great show though?
Don't hurt it. Don't hurt it with math.
Sorry Norm Peterson's bar tab It's a running gag in the show that he's got this massive bar tab that he's racked up Sam At one point takes out these giant binders that are supposed to represent his tab Yeah, but that's just a goof norm likes to have a few every single day in every single episode across the whole run of the show Three people show up in 100% of the episodes Sam Carla and norm two of them who have to be there for work and norm Who has to be there cuz he's norm and we know that this isn't the only bar in town that he goes to with this Frequency because when he walks into Gary's old town tavern that whole bar crew there says Yes, but he never actually settles his tab, which means that we can't calculate what it would be not a math crime He settles his tab once and we can use that as a sample size when Rebecca takes over the bar She cuts him off when she realizes his tab is over eight hundred and fifty dollars What's the big deal? What's the over 10 20 bucks? 837 now we know his entire account was wiped clean two seasons earlier and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics The average cost of a beer in 1985 was a dollar seventy five So we know that he had at least four hundred eighty six beers over the course of two seasons. That is that is several now Imagine someone you know in your real world was going to the same bar every single night. He loses his job Struggles to find steady work for six years a real good friend who hasn't worked in years separates from his wife She's not the same zero. I've been out of town gains. Wait look at that We go all the way back to when we didn't even know your name skinny guy at the end of the bar tells everyone He's moving to Bora Bora I'm sailing to Bora Bora gonna live in a hut and then instead secretly moves into a closet in a bar, okay? Why isn't anyone helping norm? He's clearly spiraling and no one not one person on that show reaches out to be like having a tough time buddy Or maybe you should seek out some counseling or you know even give us that he's driving himself home every night Instead they keep plying in with free drinks people letting them run up that tab and then laugh at his Stupid jokes about his sad wife last night.
I'm most of my wife Wow, that is nothing. I got it Frazier kitty. We just did cheers No, no Frazier from Frazier guys Frazier is a terrible father and math proves it Oh, this was such a bad idea, but you like Frazier. You know I do Frazier son Frederick was born in 1989 in the Cheers episode the stork brings a crane Frederick is 15 in the last season of Frazier which aired in 2004 which means that the seasons Chronologically line up with the actual years that means that when Frederick was four years old Frazier not only got a divorce, but moved across the country from Boston to Seattle and what did he do every episode? Huh fight Lilith for custody of his son try to spend as much time with him as possible No, he tried scheming to get tickets to the symphony Wednesday It was the symphony or trying to lure some new woman to his family's Okay, well maybe needed some time to find himself again You know they say it's important for parents not to be defined by the role Frazier ran for 11 years, right? 264 episodes do you want to know how many times Frederick makes an appearance? Nine from the ages of four to fifteen Frederick saw his father nine times and everybody who watched the show was like You know what that seems normal anyways I really hope that now builds up the courage to cheat on his wife with this clairvoyant illegal alien. I hate this show you hate Frazier is a joy. Finally the upper crust get a fair shake and you want to tear it down also Eddie was two different dogs, but they both died I know that's not technically math related, but if we're throwing logs on the fire You know what?
Friends you like friends. Do you like friends? Of course good Okay, you know how Phoebe does that altruistic thing where she has three kids for her brother?
Yeah, okay Well, what if it doesn't add up the number of babies? Why are you shaking? I'm saying what if they're not her brother's kids because the the pregnancy is weird that It's the wrong time. I'm very angry. Wait, I think you might be right.
So Phoebe's brother asked her to help out with a pregnancy in season four Maybe late January early February We don't know but we know that in the episode right before it Monica still had her Christmas tree up in her apartment and then we'll get to the one about Phoebe's uterus. It's gone. Yeah So Phoebe gets the procedure done the very next episode But even if we don't take into account the hormones that you'd have to take We know that we have to wait to a certain point in her cycle before she can get the egg injection So almost definitely late January early February That's what she gets pregnant and doesn't she take a pregnancy test the same day she gets her in vitro It says that she's already pregnant And that's that's weird, right? You're not supposed to be able to even tell from those tests until two weeks after the end of your cycle Trust me, you don't know what month she gives birth though Okay, we know she gives birth two weeks after Ross and Emily's wedding because Rachel just gets back from Ross's honeymoon in Greece for two Weeks alone, and that's right when Phoebe's water breaks as she's on the way to Atlantic City We know Ross pushed the wedding up to just a month away a week after proposing to Emily get married And he proposes to Emily in the same episode where Monica gives season Knicks tickets to Joey and Chandler in exchange for the apartment season Four episode 19 the one with all the haste So Katie if you knew a single about basketball You know that the regular season ends at the beginning of April and that Knicks season tickets don't account for the playoffs So in order for those tickets to be valuable to the guys it has to be March at the latest maybe the beginning of April if they're idiots They are so one month and two weeks after the beginning of April is May and Phoebe was pregnant in February Oh my god, seven month pregnancy for four month pregnancy. I did it Those babies would not be viable those cannot be your brother's kids The test said that she was already pregnant because she'd already been pregnant for months Those are Phoebe's babies and it killed her to give them up and she still did it and I solved it with math. Oh That's like Really sad. Oh, well Rachel was pregnant for over a year That show is notoriously bad with knowing how long babies cook. So what are the implications of that Rachel? pretends to be pregnant until Or maybe she was just hiding it until she could make sure that it matched up with Ross's timeline.
What? It's not how it works Everybody knows if a woman keeps the baby inside for too long her body reabsorbs it It's like when you wait too long to poop Really happy you guys were here to see this Like where do you think your poop goes when you don't poop mine mine just goes in an alley next to my house What do you mean when you don't poop when you absorb it into your body? Where does my poop go when I don't poop? Yes, you're not even making sense. Listen to yourself What's the longest amount of time you've gone without a poop? Let's solve something else with math right here Hey, you like stand-up come see the crack stand-up show attempting March 23rd at meltdown comics in Los Angeles If you want to see amazing stand-up comedians including our own Tom Ryman go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets And if you want to see me without a shirt on your room |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_265_Tex_Perkins | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live from the Diamond Tina Shire. Today's guest, I guess we're going to claim him as a proud Queenslander.
He spent a lot of time in the southeast corner. He spent a lot of time right around the country because he's one of those artists who obviously does the work.
He's a man of many names and a man of many lives. You might know him as Tex Deadly. You might know him as Gregory. We know him as Tex Perkins.
Thank you for joining us today.
You might even know him as Perko. Perko. If you're on Perko basis with him that is.
Tex, at the moment you're getting ready for a launch of the 30th anniversary of the Landmark album The Honeymoon is Over. How's it looking? How's things?
I think it's been launched. I'm not sure whether there was a countdown. But no, I think it came out on Friday.
So yes, it's been set sail. It's off and running, doing well. The champagne has been broken on the hull of the ship. Beautiful.
You've surprised everyone with a previously unavailable B-side. Or some previously unavailable B-sides anyway. I think they were all available but they were B-sides on singles. But come to think of it, I wonder what form singles took in those days. I guess it was the very brief phenomena of CD singles. But yes, they were all B-sides. You can't even call them B-sides because there's no flipping over CDs. So it was the main single track in one or two extra songs. But yes, they were all available but I guess they were only available as a streaming thing. You've compiled them all for us now.
Tex, I want to talk about, I mean it's been a lengthy career. 30 years isn't even the start of it really. You've been around and you've been playing in different kind of imaginations, different incarnations for over 30 years.
42! Geez, you look good. We interviewed Don Walker the other day who's been lucky enough to play with you over the years as well. I kind of want to go back to the start and how you managed to forge this career. Before we even had the term I guess in the mainstream, before we had the term indie, you were doing that before the Aria Awards but you still managed to keep that kind of credential. As they say in hip-hop, the hood still loves you. How did you get started and where were you?
Was it a West End thing? No, actually no. The West End is the cool part of Brisbane now, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
A few people, Vulture Street, a few people spent a bit of time there making music. Well, actually it was Woolen Gabba that was significant really in my early days with the band The Dum Dums. It was a place called the Woolen Gabba Blind Hall. The gigs were very few and far between back then in Brisbane so we used to hire halls and the blind hall was put on gigs there ourselves. The blind hall was a semi-regular one for us and a bunch of other bands of that time. There was a band called The Pits, there was a band called Pork and yeah there was us The Dum Dums but we were kind of unlike and we only think the only thing we shared with those bands was yeah we shared nothing stylistically but I guess we were just about the same age and yeah we're all stuck in Brisbane. We're all fighting the good fight in Brisbane you know because you know to choose to make music especially in those days like late 70s early 80s in Brisbane and especially sort of you know the kind of music we were making you know we were really you know sticking your neck out and and it often got kicked you know yeah so the police every time you actually left the house you would have to expect you would be interacting with the police. The special branch are we talking they had a they had your number? No it's just the usual cops you know like because Brisbane was pretty dead literally when the sun went down anybody on the streets was like what what the hell are they doing there you know so it was like everyone would just go back to the suburbs right and there wasn't a lot of the inner city wasn't really you know happening yeah it would literally kind of shut down and like it was mainly you know suburban beer barns you know that was you know the that's where music you know took place you know bands like the radiators yeah yeah would play you know there's this place called near where I grew up called the homestead where I actually saw the radiators in 1980. I have to say it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen mainly because the audience was just absolutely wild I was I was in there amongst it but it was just insane you know and I can't believe we kind of got away with it but it was a pretty rough place and rough things were allowed to happen so we're talking those kind of those mansfield taverns or those uh Brisbane is a tavern town you're right and you're probably not getting those gigs outside of the blind hall in woolloongabba in the city yeah well although in back in those days like Brisbane somebody would you know start to put on music at some pub it would last about two or three months till granny complained and uh and then the cops would just shut that shit down yeah and um and then you know like and then a few months later someone else would give it a go and the same thing would happen so music especially the type of music like alternative music or underground music just was not welcome so there was a bit of a light industrial edge you kind of had to find a place you know not near anyone well well exactly yeah that's why the blind hall worked in woolloongabba because yeah there was very few it was a semi-industrial area so there were very few neighbors that could complain but uh but yeah i i even though it was pushing shit uphill i really kind of have a fondness for that era and it's probably i'm not sure how it is these days but i'm glad i kind of went through the uh the do-it-yourself era you know where you you had to make things happen yourself rather than you know i mean melbourne is just like you know there's just gigs everywhere there's almost too many gigs every pub's got a sound guy he in Brisbane he's not have to hear a bit what was the experience like then from going from tavern hall brizzy down to sydney in the pumping music scene it was like i walked into swinging london or something it was like the contrast was so dramatic like as i say like being sort of slightly different in Brisbane you were just a target not only for the police but the general population yeah you'd be you'd be yelled at you know things were thrown at you you know from passing cars and things like that that was just that was an everyday thing you got used to and then i went to sydney and nobody was spitting at me no one was yelling at me yeah it was there was a community of musicians that were working and they're all great bands and i know it was an absolute um you know rebirth for me yeah that's where my life began really yeah and uh in 1982 in sydney and look there's just great bands everywhere the johnnies were my friends the scientists were my friends the huda gurus and so it was amazing it was uh yeah a fun time to be around sydney you just mentioned there that the experience of people throwing things at you i remember hearing a story about how someone famously threw a bottle when you're up on stage split you and then you performed out the rest of the set with blood streaming down the face before heading off to an emergency room real um real hectic stuff what are the shows look like now is that a myth is that is that the yarn yeah yeah yeah oh yeah i mean that was one of the that's on every surely that's on every rock and roll singer's checklist yeah yeah you know it's just it's a kind of you know icky pop yeah jim morrison kind of you know that sort of yeah to be bottled and you know but to you know and really bleeding profusely from the head sweat and blood running down and i mean luckily the wound you know wasn't huge but it was there was because you so worked up and you know the body temperature and elevated the claret just pours out of you did you see who got you do you remember where it came from there was so many things being thrown but i did see that bottle coming i saw it for the last two seconds and i was a bit slow moving out of the way but it clocked me like it came from about 40 feet away and i could just boom it's a pretty good throw from whoever it was in the crowd and it was taken to take so the funniest thing was like all sorts of shit was being thrown but uh and then brian the bass player stepped up to the mic and said stop throwing shit you know and then i just i pushed him out of the way and said yeah don't throw a shit at them throw it at me it's like three two one bang it was i i asked for it and i got it well it's always good to have a show goes on moment like that i guess um you're going on tour again in july of the crowd still got it in them when was the last time someone threw something out it's been a while yeah and i'll say it's a it was on my rock and roll checklist and there's no need to go yeah yeah you're not and it's nowadays you're not breaking in crowds you know you've got fans coming to your show so it's not um i think that was probably that was in the late 90s and so it was probably the last the end of the kind of wild days like especially for audiences i mean i'm most of my audience is in their 50s now so like yeah no yeah yeah we we recover slower so the shoulders actually can't throw it from 40 feet away anymore see i want to talk about those wild days i mean we hear about pub rock or we hear about punk in australia and we hear about those wild days you know robert forster said to us it was not a facade these blokes particularly in brisbane that he was cutting around you know there were punch-ons they were piss up so it was absolutely wild 20 year olds still go to pubs what do you think that was why do you think they were just that more tap back then do you think it was australia was a wilder place do you think maybe a lot of these people have kind of emerged into a middle class or what robert forster is talking about brisbane pretty much you know it was as i said it was you're very the fact that you weren't wearing flares and didn't have a mullet and you know like was offensive to people yeah you're very the very very way you were presenting yourself to the world yeah it was like and then it was you know then they then they all heard oh you these are punks aren't they you're punk yeah but to tell the truth i got bashed on the train before i was a punk yeah yeah so like they're like if you were alone on a train in brisbane and you know five guys got on you you were going to cop it yeah so like it wasn't just because i in my punk days it happened before my punk days yeah you know like so uh brisbane was a different place i'm sure i better now yeah i mean aside from like you know those kind of undertones of like political and ideological undertones that you kind of dealt with and i know i know every city had those you know those crowds and that kind of obnoxious and i know brisbane was probably one of the toughest ones under joe but even the crowds and you know you hear about the painters and dockers gigs in melbourne or you hear about you know some of those things that were happening at the north bondi diggers like what what has happened do you think in the crowds particularly young crowds what why was it was it because a lot of these people were the sons of sons and daughters of servicemen why were people so much more wild on the piece back then yeah it's it's hard to say but well come to think of it um when i moved to sydney as i said it was it was an absolute golden era of you know in the early 80s musically and culturally from my perspective but looking back on it there was you know also you know there were plenty of skinheads around so like that and i haven't seen skinheads since 1986 but i remember the last gig uh we played support to a band called the anti-nowhere league and uh yeah there was about you know 300 skins there and um i really wonder what happened to those guys you know like because they were so committed to that whole thing i i guess i guess it's easy to to not be a skinny just let your hair grow and stop wearing well they're all being arrested they're all being arrested for historic crimes nowadays in sydney yeah yeah we've got a couple the other day well yeah i remember the leader of the skins was a bloke called the skull i remember uh i remember being spat on by the skull in uh pit street i just i was just walking along my own business and then there was the skull and and then he just noticed thank you sir i mean there it probably is the argument there that the skins all fucking made a bit of money in the construction housing boom and kind of gave up those beliefs and sat at home with a big television yeah well i guess you know the only way is to know that anyone was a skin is if they still had the tattoos you know but yeah it's hard i don't know why that was it was it was a cultural clash i mean from my people just were really annoyed that you weren't like them yeah and i guess we're it was as sort of the working class against itself yeah you know like because we are yeah it wasn't like you know one class looking down on other it was the working different sections of you know the lower yeah parts of society and uh going at each other tex i wanted to ask questions a bit left field not music related we busted a myth there before turned out it was true the bottle the blood all that sort of stuff i want to ask about zone ball i heard whispers about this game called zone ball that tex perkins got up and running where are we at with zone ball and how would you describe it to the good people listening to our podcast okay well the cruel scene mainly uh we used to travel around with a football and just for a bit of exercise we would you know find half an hour or whatever you know in the day to just get a bit of exercise and it was our preferred form of exercise just get out and have a kick then we then we would uh sometimes have a kick inside the venue you know like before the crowd before sound and therefore you you know it was a smaller space so we would kick it together and then okay let's make this more interesting let's let's only mark one-handed and then so we're kicking sort of you know in a short space like 15 meters away from each other and and then we started to put rules around you know that thing and then we we would define a space you know again and there's then slowly we kind of formed this and then i eventually put a name on it and it was called zone ball and it was uh i guess it was a it's kind of like tennis yeah footy tennis that's what i'm getting it was like playing as a kid uh serves to the other you know yeah to the up and you have to you have to make it difficult for him to to to mark it's a one-handed so you're either doing little drop shots or bombs or you know kind of like a scud serve like and um yeah it's uh unfortunately oh fortunately it uh somebody put it in Wikipedia and that's why you're asking me this question well we um a few years now but it it gained legitimacy when a mate of mine is uh Robert Murphy Bob Murphy the yeah he played for the Western Bulldogs and so he's played the zone ball and he's a big fan of zone ball and we used to we used to meet up and yeah and a bunch of us would would play in in the park in Melbourne and um so i kind of that i guess that was the uh the peak of its legitimacy and and he was when you got real footy players playing it yeah real footy players playing it Nick Carios and pickleball kind of thing great game i actually this could be a really good uh training you know alternative yeah but yeah to tell the truth i haven't played zone ball well zone balls 30 years oh this is the 30-year anniversary of zone ball too i guess now it's probably around the uh maybe maybe 20th were the venue staff at the various places you were playing were they particularly keen on zone ball with a footy getting kicked around inside while they're trying to set up no they never got involved no we we wouldn't do it anywhere that was uh going to destroy yeah we didn't we didn't break anything yeah you um we'd love to sit down with you and and do it along for maybe two three-parter with you texas so we should go over but i just want to ask lastly the 30th anniversary of the landmark album the honeymoon is over what does this album mean to you well i guess it's the reason that i have the career that i always really wanted which is just to be a working musician i mean and not not have to worry about uh charting and uh all that stuff because that's happened it's kind of the success of the honeymoon is over especially you gave me the profile that allowed me to have the career that i have for you know for the last you know for 30 years since it and um yeah it's uh it set me up quite well it gave you the stripes to just do whatever you wanted uh you know the i mean it gave me the profile that you know and to work in australia and overseas and um it continues today and um but also i think the um the reason of my for my longevity is my my ability and my willingness to do lots of different things and um i haven't put all my eggs in the one basket yeah it's i can say well i've only got i've got more than one trick yeah i mean i guess that's what we're asking at the start to the to remain un-pigeon-holed after a 42-year career yeah well also it keeps me interested too like things i work with different people and it's i know it's all a blessing to me it's all it's all thrilling and it's all interesting so hopefully that uh yeah that is conveyed to the audience as well my well brought you the arias too even though we we don't have time to get to that yarn we do realize an aria got stolen at the after party and and uh stolen i left it behind yeah yeah i'll get it in the morning i'm too flogged i mean i won the thing so what i don't need it uh thanks for joining us tex you're not all the best with uh with the tour what venues are we looking at here we're going we're down in bronzwick um we've got the memo music hall in st kilda birds basement melbourne bronzwick ballroom that's the one in bronzwick that's a ripper venue my other my my my current band the fat rubber band is uh doing some gigs uh it start with uh in about four weeks one's at the memo music hall in st kilda and the other ones that the bronzwick ballroom in uh bronzwick yeah that's a great old venue that one thank you fellas thanks thanks for joining us tex and um yeah all the best and we'll do it again let's do it for sure yeah we go top to bottom we'll go text deadly that's where we'll start thank you thanks mate thank you all right |
dropout | don_t_jinx_anything_by_celebrating_hardly_working | It tickles. Ow. That tickles? Yeah.
Hey, how'd it go? Well, I just got cast in my first big movie. Oh my gosh!
We're gonna be a movie star. We gotta celebrate. Well, you know, not yet. I don't want to jinx anything. Okay, yeah, but once you sign the paperwork, we are partying with Hollywood's newest movie star.
I already signed the contract. Then what's the problem? Well, I just never celebrate anything until I know that everything has worked out. I mean, that could still cut me out of the movie.
You're the lead, Raph. Yeah, it's called The Last Man Alive. It's just you. Well, there is a dog in there. Just say it. Okay, you're being ridiculous. Yeah.
You never know. Surprise! Oh, well, not quite yet. We don't want to tempt fate. What?
I'm from the premiere, man. Yeah, but it still has to be critically acclaimed. Okay, so when the reviews come in, and they will be great, we'll celebrate you being a movie star. Right, but we also want to make sure that regular audience members like it too.
So you're never gonna celebrate? No, I will.
Once we know that the audience liked it, and I get nominated for a Goldie Boy. But then we'll want to wait to see if I actually win the Goldie Boy. Okay, so just win the award, and then we'll celebrate. Only thing I got accepted first, and then we'll definitely do well, but then they have to actually follow through with mail-in it to me, because I'm pretty sure that the one that you hold on stage isn't the real one. I think they have to mail it to your house later, but when that happens...
We're celebrating, fucker! Whether you like it or not. Look, guys, I just don't want to jinx anything, alright? Everybody knows you got to win two Goldie Boys just to prove the first Goldie Boy wasn't a fluke. Horse-fucking-shit!
You're a movie star, Raph! We can see your movie star girlfriend! Yeah, girlfriend, not wife.
Okay, Raph, how about we celebrate you not celebrating? Oh, I can do that. How's Saturday?
I'm busy. I won't say busy.
Hi, I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_231_Russell_Manser | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. How you going, Errol? I'm good, mate.
It's finally a fine Friday up here in the Diamantina. We've had a lot of wet weather up here. There's a lot of the rivers up here at capacity, so it's good that it's all about to flow down to New South Wales and get out of our hair. And big news around the country this week, particularly in the top end.
You wouldn't read about it, but the Northern Territory government have decided to raise the age of criminal responsibility to, wait for it, 12 years old. How generous of them. What was it before? It was 10. So we're no longer locking up 10 and 11-year-old kids, which is great news, but I also think 12-year-olds aren't even teenagers yet either.
I think we've got a long way to go. We've spoken about this a bit before in Petuta, particularly in Queensland top end. The issue of youth crime is a real issue. And for anyone up that way, listening who think we're out of touch, don't worry. We've been to these towns. We know that it can get pretty rowdy in the wild north, but we also know there's a lot of issues surrounding all of this. And youth crime isn't the start of the problem, but it is the start of a system.
And today's guest, I guess, has some expertise in talking about that system as a product of that system at one point of his life. He's gone on to do many, many, many things since his time at Her Majesty's Hotel, or His Majesty's Hotel nowadays.
Thank you for joining us, Russell Mansour. Thanks, Errol. Thanks, Clancy, for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm a big fan of the program. Now, Russ, we want to talk to you.
We've seen you on Australian Story. We've seen you on the Mark Booras podcast. And we've actually heard your own podcast that you're running nowadays, which is up and running with some big-name guests, the Stick Up podcast. Do you want to kind of give us a little rundown on your podcast and why it's different to any of the other ones we might listen to?
I'm obviously hooked, but it's a bit different. You're not talking about NBA, that's for sure. You've lived a completely different life to a lot of people out there who are in this space. Yeah, well, the Stick Up comes from my former career in the banking industry, in particularly the withdrawals department, which allowed me to dress in balaclavas and cheap clothing that was disposable. Yeah, well, my podcast, the Stick Up, we try to get an array of guests on. And the common theme is how people overcome adversity. And we've interviewed abuse survivors, professional criminals, businessmen. We've got Dr. Charlie Teo coming up shortly, a lot of sportsmen like Jeff Fenwick, Shannon O'Connell's coming on the show, Danny Green's with us next week. We want to know what it's like. And in particular, I think there's a great analogy with sports people that get sat on their ass. And what does it take to overcome that adversity, get back up, and win? Yeah. I mean, you're a prime example.
This is not necessarily in the sporting arena, though I never have seen you in the ring. I haven't seen you on the pebbles either, Russ.
I reckon you could stand eight. I'm sure you've had too many times in your life. Can you tell us in this metaphor, I want to talk about your adversity. I know you obviously run an organization that helps people that are in a similar position to you, the voice of the survivor. You're a great advocate for abuse survivors. And you're also a great advocate for ex-cons. But your adversity, you can put it down to a number. You can actually put it down to the time you did. I just want to kind of talk about that now.
How old were you when you first kind of entered the prison system, and how long in and out do you reckon you've done in those kind of facilities? Look, I first went to the notorious Derek Boys home, which is the subject of a 60 minutes story where there was a lot of abuse. I didn't escape that abuse. I don't have an apprenticeship on how to steal Porsches when I was at Derek, and I got my trade. I later stole a Porsche at the age of 16, got in a police chase, and the judge in his right mind thought it'd be a great idea to house me at Long Bay Prison with the worst degenerates in the country at the time, and thought it would be a great way to deter me from our future reoffending. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way. Mr Judge Nostradamus got it wrong that time, and which led to me spending 23 years in the penal system with serious problems, serious underlying issues of abuse, which I covered with serious drug addiction, and I had to really escalate my criminal behavior to support that drug addiction. So, I mean, the whole lot of factors there, and as you point out, and I'm sure as you would be aware in your time in prison, that a lot of the issues that land people in prison could be treated without prisons. I want to kind of talk about those stints outside of jail.
Were you part of this? We've all seen two hands. We all know what Sidney used to look like, according to the TV screens. Blue murder, two hands, underbelly. Was it the wild west, and were you riding on horseback in the wild west?
Well, I was sort of romantic in those days, you know what I mean? Like bank robbers, which was my trade, were sort of held in sort of Ned Kelly-esque sort of esteem, you know what I mean? People sort of, I don't know, where I grew up, bank robbers were, when I come home from prison, they were treated like return war heroes, and you know what I mean? They were people to be looked up. Even in the jail hierarchy, bank robbers were at the top of the chain, and that's what I wanted to be, and that wasn't necessarily, like I mean, I've seen a lot of, I've never seen, where I grew up, I've never seen the working man sort of go too far in life, because they were pre-union days where people were being treated as slaves, you know?
Where was it? This was Mount Druitt, Mountie County, as they call it? Mountie County, it's not the end of the earth, but you can see it from there, so they say, and but, you know, yeah, sure, working class, blue-collar suburb, where people, I've worked in a factory, if you got a trade, you were a very lucky man or woman, but you know, a lot of people didn't, like, we got a pretty high crime rate out that way, and you know, I think people took, I don't know, people took pride in being a good crim.
Russell, I just want to talk about your first bank robbery. How did you pump yourself up for it? I mean, like, it's not something that most people do every day, I mean, what led you to finding yourself in that bank that day? Oh, well, it was a funny thing, I was working for my brother, and my mate was working for Telstra, and he had formed for Robin Banks, I met him in jail, and I said, mate, you feel like robbing a bank? And he said, I'll be there with bells on, and that's basically the crux of it, and so we went to Salvation Army shop and bought a knife for about four dollars. It was a better investment than crypto, because the return on it was about 17,000, and that was in minutes, you know? So, yeah, I just rocked in, you know, look, I'd previously been in jail for two years, and I'd picked the brains of a lot of bank robbers, and you know, I sort of, I looked up to them guys, because it was way amount of size, you know, these, this really good living, going in and buying whatever you want, driving what car, whatever you want, you know, getting the girls, getting the jury, getting it all, having that lifestyle, that lifestyle really appealed to me, because it was fast, it was, I don't know, it was Hollywood-esque, so to speak, rock star-esque, and it appealed to me, and I just wanted to give it a crack, because I'd never lived like that, and my, my family, we were battlers, we were really bad, we took them four years to pay off for bats and 180B, and, and you know, that was the type of things, we'd go to the beach and take packed lunches and sort of stuff like that, and I didn't want to live like that, you know, I didn't want to live like I wanted some of the good stuff, and I thought that was going to be the way I was going to do it. Funny thing about that bank, you know, we robbed that bank, and I've got more shoes than I'm able to mark, or so I am, I'm a fan, a fan of collecting shoes, and so we went to park, that bank was the Commonwealth Bank at Gordon, on the northern beach, on the northern shore, and went to park the car at Liverpool, as we parked it, there's coppers running us everywhere, and where we parked the car, a bank had just been robbed. Oh, Sydney. Yeah, and they're running past us, it was like, I don't know, we won the lottery, and I'm like, hey, I'll just get out of here. Tell, tell us about the adrenaline, tell us about the feeling. Well, adrenaline, people talk, I was talking about it recently, people talk about, you know, jumping out of airplanes, and I said, well, robbing a bank's like, fucking jumping out of an airplane on coke.
Yeah. You know, it's that, it's like, it's really amplified, it's really, and taking mine, in the days I was robbing banks, Roger Rogerson and his crew were running around shooting people. Yeah. So, you know, you come out of that bank, and you don't know if your head's going to explode like a pumpkin. Yeah.
I used to put the forearm over my head, and I'm thinking, you know, that might save the day, but a 12-gauge shotgun will have a lot to say about that, I reckon. Do you feel these skill sets come out of you? I mean, when you were doing that, and I know you did a few banks, did you feel this? You know, you walk into a room, these are skills that people could use in non-criminal activities, mind you. Walking into a room, telling people where to stand, telling people to cooperate, telling people how it's going to happen. Did you feel those kind of, like a natural skill set, or was it all in one motion?
Look, you know what, I was always told by really good bank robbers to keep the place calm, right? Because the last thing you want in one of those situations is people panicking, because that's when things go wrong. And it was just one of those cases of communication, it was the tone of the voice, and I think that's carried on in how I'm really careful these days in business myself, my tone of my voice. And the tone of your voice in a bank in a high-intensity situation can be crucial. So, you know, I was always soft, I was always like, okay, I'm here, no one's going to get hurt, the money's not yours, no one's got to be silly, I'm just going to get in, I'm going to be here for 10, 15 seconds, I'm gone, out of your life, you'll never see me again. And it was that calmness that I sort of brought to it, and to be described in the papers after that as the gentleman bank robber.
Look, I'll take that as a compliment. I've heard you tell this yarn before about how many banks were getting robbed each day in Sydney and Melbourne, to the point where they had armed robbery units. I'm not sure if they still have them. Armed robbery squads, yeah. And you know what? Those guys were fucking pirates, I tell you. And they were hoping to catch you so they could rob you. Yeah. And that's what they did. And I'm pretty sure they were letting blokes do it so they could get them with the cash and rob them. And, you know, I'll tell you a funny thing about bank robbers, you know, you would rob a bank.
And say, for instance, you get 50,000. In the paper, the next day, they reported that 90,000 went missing.
That's the old bank manager pocketing the leftovers, you know what I mean? I was just about to ask you, Russ, how you said that other prisoners used to hold a bank robber in such a high regard. How did the cops used to treat the bank robbers? Well, the cops in the stick-ups, stick-up squads, I've actually made friends with Gary Jublin, who was on the squad, stick-up squads, and maybe at the time when I was doing my work. And he was sort of in that police force.
They were classed as rock stars, and so were we. So, you know what I mean? It was one big rock concert, basically. Yeah. Cowboys and Indians. Yeah. They were. They were the rock stars, you know. Was there ever any, we got them, we finally got the gentleman, was there any, you know, come down with a, get a photograph Al Capone style when new blokes would get caught?
Oh, look, on the last one, that last bank robbery, I got pinched. The party was over, but I kept on turning up, and I robbed my last bank at fucking 2014 on the Gold Coast.
Jesus Christ. That's eight years ago. That's not long ago, Russ. I mean, obviously, not a lot's happened in your life since then. And, you know, and the reform, and we've seen it in your work, and in, obviously, your storytelling, and your podcast, and everything you were, your advocacy.
But tell me, in 2014, the year the Rabbit-O's won the grand final. The mighty Rabbit-O's.
How much cash was there to get out of a bank? Man, I would have made more money on a dole that year.
That's true, that's true. Yeah.
You know, on that last one I got, the last one I robbed, I got $10,000. I got my head punched in, and they'd done my kramme with my arms and legs, and told me they were going to save my life. And, look, you know, and the funny thing about that was, you know, I got arrested, I went up to Southport Watch House, and I had all these young, eager coppers coming in. And in the cells at Southport, there's blinds, and I keep seeing these blinds going down.
It was like the first time they'd ever seen a Tasmanian tiger. They don't get many of them on the Goldie anymore. No, and it was just funny, and it was funny because it was sort of a scene out of a movie, and they've pulled me in.
There's all these, about five or six young coppers standing around, and they're saying to me, mate, you know, do a record of interview. And there's an old copper sitting in the corner, bald-headed bloke rolling his eyes, as soon as he, like, I think he was a bit embarrassed at the eagerness of them, you know. And they go, mate, do a record of interview, it'd be the best thing you do, and a record of interview entails getting you to admit what you've done. And I just looked at him, and I looked at him, and I said, mate, I've never seen someone moonwalk back into prison, saying that the record of interview was the best thing I've ever done. And I said, I'll fucking tell you what, it ain't happening today.
In your story, you know, a kind of a strange story just came up, there was a moment in between your stints, as you said, you did, you know, close to 25 years. 23, I've done 23 all up, yeah. 23, three different states, you know, you got pinched in the territory, you got pinched down south, there was a moment where you kind of, there was a clearing, there was an eye of the storm, I'd say, in your kind of criminal career. And I think this is quite interesting, because it actually does speak to recovery, and how, you know, and how you've actually, you know, it's an ongoing thing, you know. And there was an eye of the storm where you weren't about that life, for how many years? Yeah, six years, I stayed out of prison, I got out of jail, I've done eight years, the longest stint I've ever done, I've done from 1990 to 1998, and I got out in 1998, that was a good night, and, you know, but well celebrated, and we nearly died of eating a prawn.
But what happened was, I got out, and I got a job, I just got straight out, I was a fitness instructor at a Japanese jockey school, of all things. What, on the coast somewhere, or? Yeah, Cabarita Beach, Cabarita Beach, Northern Rivers there, and I was a fitness instructor there, one of the Hells Angels got me the job there, and then, you know, I met the mother of my kids, and then we started the telemarketing business, we were selling advertising in magazines, that was, I don't know, some might say it was dodgy, I just say it was legit, because everyone got a magazine, everyone had put an ad in there, we'd done 500 ads, everyone got a magazine, so we had a publishing company, and I stayed out of trouble for six years, had two kids, bought a house, done all that. So you're living the suburban life, was that what was happening here, your school pick-up, school drop-off? Yeah, doing all that, and I was, you know, I bought a house, like I grew up in the western suburbs, there's no beaches in Mount Druitt, I always wanted to live near the beach, we bought a house near Corumbine Beach there, and you know, I wanted my kids to come up there, but there was always the underlying of the abuse itself, that was perpetrated on me, and until I dealt with that, I was always just putting a band-aid on it, you know, and you know, the greatest prime minister this country's ever seen, I reckon, is Julia Gillard, no one can tell me any different, and I'll punch on over it, she introduced the Royal Commission Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, and that changed my life, because what happened from there was, I was afforded proper trauma counselling, I got to realise what it was all about, what my behaviours were, and what my thinking patterns was, and it allowed me to have genuine remorse for the people who were in the banks, what I'd robbed, because I could tell them I was sorry all day, but I didn't mean it, until I knew what trauma was, and my own trauma, and how it had impacted on me, and I was riddled with guilt, when I really comprehended what trauma was, the first thing it started to do was riddle me with guilt to what I'd done to other people, and that's when I had genuine remorse. Yeah, and yeah, so you, it didn't matter how, you know, tidy you were keeping it, you're a fitness instructor, you were off the gear, you were... Yeah, yeah, 12 and a half years clean I was, you know.
And then one day, obviously, as you said, you still hadn't reconciled with a lot of that stuff, that it happened to you, I mean a lot, a lot of stuff as it turns out, it happened to you as a young kid, and you know, even in the adult prisons, you said they put you in there prematurely, so you know, there was a lot of abuses, be that abuse of power, or just, you know, abuse, and then you find your way in the prison yard, talking to people, we actually become a problem for the system in a good way, you know, you're a problem for the system when you're robbing banks, you actually become a problem for the system when you started this advocacy for people in similar positions to you. I kind of want to talk about how, you know, once you had identified, you know, trauma, and you kind of were working on that, how you go as, you know, someone who's walking in both worlds, someone who is, you know, you're able to talk this stuff that a lot of people would rather bottle up, but you're also, you know, a hard man in the yard, still a prisoner at this point, getting blokes to come forward, and join you. For sure, you know what it was, in prison, you've got two, like in a lot of prisons, you've got two phones in one yard, so people are communicating with their family, you're in the yard, so there's 60 blokes, 50 blokes in the yard, and everyone knows Johnny's fucking kid, you know, scored three tries in a weekend, and you know, the other kid caught three fucking brim on the tweed river, everyone knows everyone's business, right? So I'm on the phone, the jail phone, talking to the Royal Commission, institutional responses to child sexual abuse, and I could see a few ears pricking up, they thought I was up to no good, they thought I was possibly talking to coppers, and it's hard to call the yard meeting, right? I just want to talk about this, sorry, yeah, a yard meeting sounds like a pretty bold thing to do, like, everyone in the yard, come up, listen to me. This is what it sounds like a union, a toolbox meeting, you know, it's like a toolbox meeting on a building site, you know, I called the yard meeting, and I said, you know what, I said, you know, I'm not talking to the police, because the young dickhead kids, like, the ones that have got no idea, would, you know, the older blacks would say, never do that, they'd never be talking to police, but the young ones get sus, and they start whispering, so I said, look, I'm not talking to the police, I'm talking to the Royal Commission about the abuses that happened to me, because I'm sick of living like this, and I want to fucking make a change, I want to get the appropriate treatment, to fucking get over it, and, fucking that, 60 bucks, I won't say they gave me the clap, because it wasn't, but they, you know, they, you know, I mean, it's just one of those things where everyone, was really well celebrated, and, over a period of time, you know, about 60 blokes come to me, and told me their story, and I put them in contact with the right people, and, and I was recognised by the Royal Commission, that I was a really good advocate, you know, and it planted a seed in me, because I had lawyers, and psychologists, and psychiatrists, tell me, this is what you should do for a living, when you get out, and I had a few dreams, like, I had a few dreams, I laid in my prison cell, and I was doing, I was studying, I was doing tertiary prep, which is the equivalent of HSC, I really sort of thought, you know what, the seed was planted in me, that I was good at it, I was good at identifying, you know, survivors, mate, I was getting these notes come to me, it was like, mate, I want to talk to you out in the oval, and I was fucking, normally that means someone wants to fight you, so I put the steel cap boots on, and fucking head on out, and then, and you go out there, and I'll make his mind, you give me a hug, and he'd say, mate, I want to tell you, I was abused too, how do I go about doing this? Pretty fucking hectic, violent people were telling me these stories, you know, so, you know, I got extradited to New South Wales, I went to New South Wales prison, I had two weeks to go, and the coppers, the beautiful coppers that they are, they waited four years, and I was getting paroled to a rehab, and they waited four years, and they charged me with six additional bank robberies, before I was getting out, and the, so what happened, my lawyer's seen through it, ended up getting me out on a bail to a rehab, up at Coffs Harbour called the Dell House, and then, and I thought, you know, I'm going to give this a real crack, I got offered the general manager's job, 70 grand a year, and a Corolla, at the rehab, they really, because I had more recovery knowledge, than anyone that worked in that rehab, I went there four years clean, the reason for me to go to the rehab, is I needed to learn some living skills, I had none, I didn't know how to pay bills, I didn't even know how to send an email, until three years ago, so I went to the rehab, and then I, you know, I got myself a little one bedroom unit, on the waterfront there, at Coffs Harbour, and I started the voice of a survivor, I started with a laptop, that I didn't know how to use, but it looked good for the photos, and Instagram, and Facebook, I got this girl, by this stage, I'd had a compensation payout, for my abuse claim, so I had a couple of little bucks, I had a couple of bucks, to sort of, stand me over for a bit, and I had this girl, Was that the redress scheme? Was that the, No, it wasn't, I wouldn't, I actually, I filed, we'd done a civil claim, against, and I settled for a pittance, I really settled for a pittance, that claim ran today, it would be up to two and a half, three million dollars, but I, I settled for a pittance, just because I just wanted it over, and done with, and I wanted to get on with my life, and, so yeah, I set up, and started on a, with a laptop computer, on my barbecue table, my first employee, was some woman, who turned up, and done a chakra reading, and put the crystals all around us, and, and, The little Coffs Harbour hippie. Yeah, he bought the incense, and made one, she wasn't very good at what she did, but, and then we, we got the ball rolling, you know, and today we employed 12 people, we've got 15,800 clients, we got, we worked with 38 different law firms nationally, just went to Perth last week, signed up 120 clients in five days over there. Right, so this is, an advocacy group you've, you've basically created, I mean, when we talk about the justice system, there's a lot of conversations that people don't want to have, you know, maybe a lot of these blokes could do better in, in a, mental health facility, a lot of these blokes could do this and that, you know, a lot of these blokes, we'd have a better chance of understanding if we looked into what happened to them, you know, as you said, Julia Gillard at least made that call. Do you find, you're becoming an inconvenience for, a system of do-gooder politicians? Ah, in Queensland, Queensland's the home, J.B.R. Puck, Ockie Peterson, is alive and well in Queensland, I can tell you the spirit of that blokes, running through the veins of that joint, like in far as, as far as, you know, making decisions, and they tried shutting us down over, up there, they, they had a, they had an inquiry recently, and we never had a chance to respond to nothing, but we're not finished there, but Queensland is up, but not necessarily, I'll tell you what, like, you know, New South Wales are really good respondents there, they welcome it, Justice Garling at the Supreme Court is, is a big fan of what we do, and he makes a lot of decisions in it, and he often gives us praise for the, what we do, and, you know, and I think that the judges are seeing, you know, the last, when I, when I fronted up on those charges, those six robbery charges, and this is something I'd like to talk about, you know, because I was out on bail for 18 months, and I had to front up to the district court, Downing Centre District Court on six robbery charges, which I pleaded guilty to, I would have beat four of them, but I just pleaded guilty to get them out of my life, and, and the judge was, he said to me, you know, if I was to put you back in prison now, he said, I'd be doing a big disservice to the community, because you've now become a community asset through the work that you do, you know, man, that was fucking, man, that, that teared me up, because I was always described as a scumbag, and, and someone who needed to be punished, and that was someone who fully comprehended what had happened to me, and he recognised, he said, if the abuse didn't happen to you, you would have mostly been the CEO of a multinational company. Yeah, yeah, did you find that, did you find that now looking back in prison, like, you know, you hear people talk about prison the way it's, you know, hierarchical, and there's all these different trades, really, within the prison stage, you said the bank robbers when you went in, but do you look, in hindsight, actually, maybe, you know, what's the percentage there that you reckon have a similar story to you? I mean, there's, there's only so many bad eggs in the world, they can't be filling our prison systems. 70%, I reckon it's 70%, to have some sort of trial, whether it's intergenerational, sexual, emotional, physical abuse, I think it has to be, I get contacted, some of the blokes that contact me, like, if I told you their names, they'd blow you away, and they'd ring me and say, I'll get this call, will you accept the call from such and such? I go, yeah, and I know what's coming, they go, mate, I just want to tell you, you know, I've seen your story, I know what you're doing, I trust you to tell my story, and I said, mate, well, I'm there with bells on, and it makes sense, the underlying, like, the underlying issue of most drug addicts is some sort of abuse, this underlying issue of a self-harmer is some sort of trauma abuse, and this underlying issue of someone who, propensity for violence, often is abuse as well. And do you find that is helping you, this kind of skill set you've got, and these abilities, not only, it's obviously helping you in the advocacy, even a judge told you that down in Sydney, you know, when you have the option of locking up the six more charges, or letting you, you know, re-enter society and do the work you're doing, but, you know, in this new space you're in, where you're interviewing people, and you're getting people to share their stories, do you find those skill sets are, you know, being able to identify that and be a softer touch?
I mean, you've got some big names coming on here. There's obviously people that, there's a lot of trust there, Russ. For sure. A hundred percent.
And I think, you know, in the first three years of my business, I've done 1,100 trauma interviews. Like, I've done 1,100 abuse interviews, where people told me the worst, the worst of whatever happened to them, you know, from their upbringing to what they aspired to be, to the abuse happening, and then what took place after the abuse. So I think it puts me in good stead.
Yeah, for sure. And there seems to be an underlying theme of, you know, sport and obviously you've got a few high profile, you know, I guess you call underworld figures. A lot of people, that's only the only way to put it, because a lot of people will argue against what's been put on their name. But, you know, and people across, you know, as you said, Gary Jublin, you're talking to cops as well now. Yeah. Do you find it's all one big kind of, you know, world of, where is the crossover there?
Or if you actually, I can't believe, I can't believe how similar they are. I couldn't believe how similar me and Gary Jublin were. I really couldn't. I was telling him, well, this bloke's telling my story, like, fucking the shit that he went through. I mean, I went through that too. You know, the similarities are unbelievable.
And you wouldn't have said that 10 years ago? No, I wouldn't have talked to a cop 10 years ago.
I wouldn't call, I call Gary Jublin a mate. There's fucking, I have mates that have disowned me for saying it, but it's true. I don't lie. I like the guy, you know.
It was funny a few months, oh shit, months ago, about 18 months ago, like I'd really gotten a bit of a bad space. So I put myself in a health retreat slash rehab.
And he rings me out of the blue and he goes, mate, are you all right? And I said, what's that? He goes, cop intuition. I said, fuck, I'm glad you weren't chasing me when I was robbing banks. You know what I mean? You turn up at your door.
Don't do it.
And he was right. He was right.
I only viewed Keith banks the other day. I don't know if you know that copy. He's, he's a cop from Queensland.
He killed two people while he, while I killed one and then got two bravery awards for deescalate and a bloke who was strapped up with jelly nut. And then I thought, I fucking felt sorry for what I thought. Fuck. I've been through nothing compared to you.
And do you feel that? Do you, do you do feel that understanding?
I guess, I mean, as you said, 1100 cases. These aren't podcasts. These are 1100 interviews with men in jail cells telling you the worst of the worst.
Are you starting to see there? It's not cops and robbers anymore. Is that, is that what you're saying here? It's like, Oh no, no, it's definitely not cops and robbers.
You know what I mean? For me, it's, for me, it's about getting like, you know what I mean? It's about getting justice for these people. And I think, you know what I've done? Oh man, I've done this interview with, that's life.
And on the headline, I was a three page lift and it goes, Russell Mancer, a crime fighter. And I went, what the fuck? They've taken it too fucking hard. And then I had to read it in its context. And the context was I was helping people do it, go through the healing process. And as a result of that, they stopped doing crime and they got on with their lives and started to do productive lives. And I went, Oh fuck. And people could read that the wrong way. As soon as I read it, I went, they're throwing me under the bars.
Daily Telegraph all over. Well, mate, it sounds like you've got a lot of pans on the stove at the moment. Between your advocacy work and obviously your, and your podcast. Where can they find that? That's the Stick Up podcast. Yeah. On iTunes. That's on Spotify. And we drop on every Tuesday. I'm also doing, you know what? Next year is an interesting year for me because I'm going back into the prisons and doing staff training. Really? Yes.
Let me at them. And I think I can really make a difference. I'm also doing prisoner mentoring. You know, I've got a team of people that I'm putting together to take in there to do it. The staff training thing for me is interesting. My beautiful partner was asking me, she said, well, what are you going to do? What can you do to make the difference? And I said, well, you know, all right, then people have got an opportunity. So my question to them is, you've got an opportunity to go in, you can go in there and amplify someone's trauma. Be in there, handcuff them and kick them in the head while they're on the ground and do all those horrible things. I said, but have a look at the people that are doing that already. Have a look at their lives.
They go home and their fucking, their wives see them come up the driveway and dread them coming home. The kids go to the bedroom. The dog hides under the house.
He jumps in the lounge, rips off a fart and thinks it's the fucking funniest thing that's ever happened. I said, the whole household hates him.
And I said, fucking any, you know, cause there's a real good story there. You know, there's a really good story to that.
I remember, I was at Goldman jail, right? This group comes into my cell and fucking, he was notorious for ripping up your photos of your kids trying to get a reaction out here. So I just, I fucking give him the best David Attenborough. I'll give him the prison officer notorious for ripping up childhood photos.
And he goes, he goes home to his wife who hates him to detest him. His children hide in the bedroom and hope that he doesn't breathe on them. And I'll give him this, I'll give him this run down and say, man, your kids hate you.
Your wife hates you. Everyone fucking hates you in your life. Even your fucking dog hates you, you know?
And he's going, yeah, okay, Dr. Phil, okay. Anyway, a few weeks later, he turns up, he's got tears in his eyes and he goes, mate, you're fucking right. And I went, he said, how do I change it? I said, by just being a fucking decent person.
Just don't be a prick. Yeah, just don't be a prick.
Start there. Mate, give up, mate, his toilet roll. I remember once I went into a fucking, to one of their offices and, I said, can I get a toilet roll?
They're right behind him. And he goes, come back later. I just ripped his jumper off. I said, I'll bring your jumper back when I'm finished.
You know what I mean? You know, that's what it all boils down at you.
Your job there is to maintain the fucking security of the prison, right? It's not there to kick someone in. That's a fucking act of it. How does that make you any better than the people that you've got in prison when you're fucking kicking someone ahead and with a set of handcuffs or sketching a dog and all, I don't get that sort of stuff and retraumatizing people.
And now I can't wait to do the staff training. I reckon I can really make a difference.
Well, it's a story of recovery, a very stark, you know, very one shot, a million to one shot Clancy. Yeah, it is. It's a million to one shot.
But if we didn't believe you, you know, the fact that you are mates with cops and training screws is, should be the greatest insight into how far you've come from that system. Did you ever imagine yourself walking back into prison under those circumstances as with, with a visitor badge on saying here for staff training? Oh man, I don't, when I've done a strange story, man, that was funny when it went into long Bay and actually went to the, went close to the cell where I was abused in and walking through the gates and being treated like as an equally screws are sticking their hands out to shake my hand.
I'm still a bit weary of that. This is taking it a bit too far.
And then, but I went through my mates. I made him my Luke grants, the assistant commissioner correctly. So he used to be a school teacher and I used to be his clerk and he progressed all the way to assistant commission. He really believed in me. He was one of those people that always said, mate, you're going to be better than this one day. And here we are, you know, and then he had, he was the one who approved the Australian story to go into long Bay. And it was really funny, you know, these people just, I got to talk to a few inmates and tell a bit about my story.
And then, and at lunchtime, the screw said, mate, it's time for lunch. I said, fuck, man, I've done nothing wrong. I'm not eating this jail food, you know?
And as punishment, anyway, we went to the, this big smorgasbord of food and fucking, and he said, oh, I left my phone in his desk. He goes, oh, it's in the top desk and fucking went in. There was like a fucking pistol in there. I'm going, oh, what the fuck? All these responsibilities.
But at the end of that Australian story, we'd done this scene, right? And we're walking out the gate. So I have to tell, you know, as you know, they cut it about eight times. I'm walking out the gate and they said, oh, we're really sorry that we just get a few more tanks.
And I said, maybe we can do this. Well, I've been released 27 times, you know, you spent, you spent that long thinking about it. You may as well do it. I can do that. I can go back there for a week and do that and feel cathartic, you know?
And life's good. What's so good? You know what? And I say this, I live by a motto and it says, you know, I give more than I take and I don't go without, you know? And that's what it's all about.
I think I found my true calling in life when I'm of service to others. And if I can share my story and, and change lives like me, my girl, we got pulled down to some, I get pulled into it all the time. Like, someone's got a wayward teenager go and have a chat to them and, and you know, and the social media presence and that sort of stuff, it's given me a credibility.
And this kid we walked, he goes, oh mate, I follow everything you're doing. And I said, well, here mate, I'm here to tell you, man, like what you're doing, you're treating your mum like a shit bag. And you know, I'm going to take that kid out tomorrow and fucking spend a bit of time with him.
Because a lot of these young, I'll tell you something now, a lot of the problem they're talking about, youth crime is fucking shit parents. You know, that's where the answer is. Don't worry about locking the kids up, lock the fucking parents up. They're the problem. Not always, not always. I'm not saying that because people could have said that about my parents and my parents weren't shit parents, but you know, haven't creating mentors for these kids. You know what I mean? Like, man, I do a lot of it unpaid and I don't want to get paid for it because it's so rewarding watching these kids turn their lives around.
You know, people always put a lot of value around street smarts. Obviously you've got a lot of that and you probably had it since a very early age, but do you think there are there in the whole street smarts, you know, people talk about billionaires have street smarts. You know, Kerry Packer actually had street smarts. Do you think there is something lacking in this concept of street smarts in terms of these things, these themes you're now working with these, you know, you can be the most street smart in the world, but you don't cry.
You know, you don't know you can't identify these things. Do you think there's a little bit of that too? I think, you know, I think that whole concept of not crying, not showing emotion, not telling people how you feel, that's one minute committing suicides in record numbers, isn't it? You know what I mean? That's the crazy bit. Well, I think I, what I learned through trauma counseling was that's okay to feel like that. It's okay to express that stuff. And you know, and there's people that you can express yourself to.
I think we live in a PlayStation generation of kids and they're fucking, and I, you know, I've got a 21 year old that's wayward too. And it's really hard because you listen to my friends, but won't listen to me. So, you know, just getting through to them because it's the know-it-all generation. That's the problem with these kids. It's really fucking hard to get through to me because they, they know it all, you know, and lived experience, man, you know, that's what, what it's all about.
I think the corrective service in particularly corrective services, New South Wales. And I think Michael could try to 10 your pleasure. Sex husband's got a bit to say with it. Bringing people in with lived experience.
Yep. Yeah. About the PhD fucking fucking criminologist or whatever. Fuck him. Yep. You know, with his fat fingers and fat wallet. Yeah. Forget him.
Bring in someone who really knows. Bring in people with runs on the board, like myself, like Jeff Morgan. I mean, I can think of a heat, Jeffrey John Amato. I can, you know, some really good people who have been through that whole system.
I talk about this. I say, I've got a blueprint how to do this. I've got a blueprint how to turn this.
I'll give it to you for free, but don't waste it because it's a fucking gift.
Well, you're doing some good work there, Russ. And we're really loving all these interviews you've got coming out each week. So you've got Danny Green next week. You guys. Yeah.
I've got Shannon O'Connor.
We're going to let release her as close to the Ebony Bridges fight. We've got Jeff Fenwick. We've got one of my old favourites, Abbo Henry, Graham Henry. Yeah. I mean, I love this channel. I just love, it's like finding these people. I'm telling you, we might have to come back and talk.
I've got Mike Tyson in my sights and I reckon I can get him for my pocket. Yeah, you can get him. You know how I'll get him. I'll get him for Jeff Fenwick.
And Jeff Fenwick said, you know anything I can do for you? And I said, fuck, and be careful what you fucking offer. Anything I can do for you, Russ.
Yeah. Let's go to Vegas. Yeah, let's go. You know, I love to do that. I think, you know, I just, cause I mean, I'll tell you, he's a funny guy isn't he?
It's like Ben Cousins is another one where we're talking about the moment. Ben Cousins and Mike Tyson, there's similarities. Everyone wanted to see him though. They've got countries behind them, backing them, wanting to see him do well. Ben Cousins, everyone's going, mate, you can do it.
You can do it. It's like, you know, watching a kid get up to walk for the first time, getting clean. He's clean and doing really well, you know? Oh, that's great to hear. Yeah, that is something. Ben Cousins is an interesting one in that there's a general consensus among the communities.
Like, let's just, you know, it's, it's not funny to make jokes about the benders anymore. You know, it's not funny to talk about everything he went through.
Everyone just wants to see him get better, particularly over there in WA. Yeah, what green here? Well, green is a god over there, mate. And he, and he'd love to see any green, you know, so just a quick one with that. I said to green, like, when you go over there with him, it's like fucking, it's like the parting of the red sea when he walks up the footpath.
And, and, um, and everyone wants to, and I said, mate, you could be the premier over. He goes, my, he goes, you know, the problem is, he said, I can't tell why, isn't to be a politician. You just got to be a good bullshit artist. He said, yeah, he'd be a good boxing promoter. Well, thanks for coming on, Russ.
Um, we're looking forward to all these interviews and, we'll see you around the traps. Be that on the gold coast or, or in Battuta. Mate, I'd love to get down to Battuta, mate.
I've heard plenty of them riding on my arm. I've got a big, I've got, I own a horse. I had a really nice horse, so I'll have to bring it down. I'll have to bring her up there sometime.
Yeah, yeah. We'll put it on the, on the dirt track. Thanks, mate. No worries. Take care guys. Thank you. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | dion_and_blair_snl_hairdressers_snl | Oh, you're all set to go in the air, you two miniature thespians, You. you both so cute! Look at y'all, you're so cute. they got the cutest little buds. I wonder how big y'all.
Oh, yeah. you know, Blair, I simply cannot believe we are here. we are official Saturday Night Live hairdressers. Look out, world, here I come. I am at the apex of my hair styling powers. But what am I, the quiche? Time forgot? Oh, don't be silly, Blair. look at y'all, my precious assistant.
Saturday Night Live Today. Whoo, look at y'all, Saturday Night Live. maybe they'll discover me on the show. I can be on the show, I can see. I'm Dion, Dion and you're not. think of all the stars we're gonna meet. Oh, well, that's nothing. look at this, take a look, take a gander, who's hosting tonight's show?
Mr. Newman. Paul Newman.
Ah! Love him. I even used a salad dressing for it, it has a uniquely pecant tang. And now I'm gonna do his hair on national television. Oh, sweet Jesus, I walk into the Valley of the Lord and I walk out with Butch Cassidy.
Listen, Sundance, plug in your hair dryer, it's gonna be a busy night. Well, as this is Mr. Newman, he has to be ready in five minutes.
My God, what happened to you since the verdict? I'd say it was definitely not in his favor. Poor Joanne Woodward.
No wonder she took up Needlepoint.
Gentlemen, you've been misinformed. I'm Edwin Newman, the newsman. I'm not Paul Newman, the actor, although I do enjoy his salad dressing, which has an unusually pecant tang. Edwin Newman, of course. Well, I knew it all along. Dion, you ignoramus, don't you ever watch the news? I don't watch the news, Blair, I read it every week in the National Enquirer. along with my horoscopes and some special features on potatoes shaped like Charlene Tilton, it's true. Well, that's very nice. Mr. Newman, it must be so exciting to be in the world of reportage, but like Vietnam and Beirut, But tell me something. why don't you ever report on nice, fun places like San Francisco or Fire Island?
I think there's nothing happening there. that's what you think, girlfriend. I guess you've never been there during Spring vacation.
Well, I'll make a point of it next time.
You know something else I want to ask you? all you news people must be a very, very toasty, tight-knit group. Do you know Heraldo Rivera? Because I simply love him. he look just like Tony Orlando. he can tie a yellow ribbon around my oak tree anything.
Come out of the store, Mr. Newman. Oh, oh, Dion, we better get moving. the show must go on. Oh, don't rush, man.
I'm an artiste, girl. Now let me see. let me see what I'm gonna do with him. it looks like this lamb needs a little bit more wool. Now give me the number three wig. let me right up. put that on you. now you look just like that gentleman on Nightline. Ted Koppel and I are very different types of newsmen. I respect him, but I don't want to look like him. Well, I don't blame his hair. it looks like a remnant from a carpet warehouse anywhere.
Oh, well, don't you get it, Dion? he'd rather be rather. Oh, he is so fine, Dan. Well, let's give Ed Wynn a nice sweater, a salt-and-pepper wig, and we'll just call it a day. There it is.
Well, the fact is, Dan is more aggressively sincere than I am. all I really need is a little pancake. what are you, a newsman Or Aunt Jemima? You do the news, and we'll do the hair. put this back over here. just get me ready. we're running out of time. Well, don't get tested with me. All right, listen, what I'm gonna do is, this is a very glamorous show. I'm gonna put your hair down here, and we're gonna make you look like Walter Cronkite, butt with Bette Davis eyes. El Rongo, Dion, he should have a John Chance Lore quality, but with an Ed Mcmahon zest for life. Blay, you ignorant slut. come on, fellas, if you don't mind my calling you, then. you're on, Mr. Noman. I'm not ready. but we are.
Live from New York, It's Saturday night! Live From New York, It's Saturday Night! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_lana_del_rey_snl | A new study shows that tree frogs could live with a- ahhhhhh! hey, what is that noise? What's that? Oh, look. it's Lana Del Rey. Ah! hello, Seth. hi, Lana, it's so nice to see you again. would you like to have a seat? Thank you. So, Lana, I didn't expect you were coming, but as long as you're here, I wanted to ask you something.
Lana, three weeks ago, you were on the show and you sang two songs off your new album. that's what I thought I did, Seth, But based on the public's response, I must have instead clubbed a baby seal while singing the Taliban national anthem. That's true, Lana. there was a surprisingly big backlash. Yes, but Seth, I am not here to defend my performance. the public has spoken and I have to accept it. instead, I would like to apologize for some of the things people took issue with. Okay, well, yeah, let's start with some of those. To some critics, they pointed out that you attempted a singing career a few years ago under your real name, Lizzie Grant, and I guess they thought your new name, Lana Del Rey, seemed like a marketing gimmick. Yes, and they're absolutely right. no serious musician would ever change their name, except maybe for Sting, Cher, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Jay-z, everyone else in hip-hop, and, of course, Bob Dylan. that's an excellent point. I also read some people say that you didn't seem seasoned enough to be on the show. indeed, some said I was, quote, the worst musical guest in Snl history. Well, that is just not true, Lana. No, Seth, these critics are absolutely right. the music stage on Saturday Night Live is hallowed ground, and I failed to reach the high bar set by past guests like Bubba Sparks, the Baja Men, and Shaggy.
Why do you think you made people so angry? I think people thought I was stiff, distant, and weird, but there is a perfectly good explanation for that. What's that? I am stiff, distant, and weird. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. it's my thing, I stand still and sing sad songs like this. Ah! some people find it off-putting. is it tough to hear that kind of feedback? No, I am grateful that all of you made your voices heard. In this age of dangerous school bullying, you have sent an important message. If you think someone is weird, you should criticize them as much as possible. Lana, just so you know, I stood up for you and I think you're great.
Wow, Seth, I'm totally gonna sleep with you now. Really? No. Oh.
Lana Del Rey, everybody! Whoo! |
TheOnion | Hostages_Trapped_Inside_Walmart_Insisting_They_Never_Shop_At_Walmart | For those just joining us, a tense standoff continues at a Walmart in Dearborn, Michigan, where a gunman has taken at least 20 people hostage. The police received this 911 call from inside the store one hour ago. We're joined now by Brian Scott, who's standing by outside the Walmart parking lot. Brian, what do we know about this situation? We know the suspect is a white male in his 40s who drew a gun on security guards after being caught shoplifting a pair of pants. He's also refused to communicate with police, other than to just hold up a sign stating that the pants were not Walmart brand. Friends and family members of some of those trapped inside have begun gathering outside the store, Brian?
Yeah, that's right. Yes, I talked to this woman just minutes ago.
My sister Ellen is in there, she's not shopping shopping, she's shopping for a vacuum cleaner. I mean, where else are you supposed to get a vacuum cleaner? Andrea, the gunman has reportedly corralled all the hostages into the back of the Walmart near the TVs, which they apparently sell there.
I wouldn't know. No, me either. Have the police tried negotiating with the gunman to at least move the hostages to Crate and Barrel next door? They had been. Ultimately, though, the Crate and Barrel saying they couldn't accommodate them. I see. They said they just didn't think the Walmart shoppers would be comfortable in their store. Understandable. But now police are working to get them into the best spot down the road. Okay, I mean, that wouldn't be nice or anything, but at least it would be a step up. Obviously, yeah.
Police also working on another plan to get the gunman to release a couple of hostages in exchange for having the media refer to him as the department store shooter or men's section gunman instead of Walmart shooter. Okay, Brian, now is anyone there right now? Actually, Andrea, I'm going to cut you off right now that apparently a single hostage has just been released.
No, no. I was just shopping over at the shoe store. I must have hurt myself getting shoes.
Okay, hopefully she's getting medical attention. Absolutely. Brian Scott, thank you so much. We're going to be checking back with you as soon as there's more information available. And just to be clear, I'm only here because of the hostage situation. Right. The New York Times corporation released this statement on their website earlier in the hour saying, we are deeply concerned for the safety of our Dearborn customers and staff.
And for the record, the public relations department of Walmart has a nice office. It's not like we work out of one of the stores. Most of us haven't even been to a Walmart in years.
Moving on, Brazil was snubbed at the International Ass Festival this year. |
cracked | we_remade_the_dark_knight_for_20 | Don't move! Where's the detonator?
You made it. I'm so thrilled. I'm a big fan of that man!
You're pathetic. You're not built for this.
You're not gonna do it?
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill! Pussy. I was expecting a bigger climax. That's okay, I came prepared. Oh, gross. Didn't you want to know how I got these scars? No. I know you got these. Damn it. You just couldn't let me go, Batman. I have one rule. Right.
You can't kill me, but you just obliterated a pack of hounds. My rule does not apply to monsters, like dogs. I mean... The blood is... Nothing worse than dogs. ...brushing to my head, Batman. I mean, bats are obviously the worst, but dogs are right there. I mean, I was almost dogman at one point.
Hey, are you asleep right now?
You see, this is what happens, Batman. What an unstoppable force meets an immovable...
Norfolk. The city just showed you that it's full of people. Well, that's what a city is. Ready to believe in good.
Oh, okay. Oh, f**k. You're not even listening. Sir, the heavily armed vigilante is getting away. Stay on the infestation ground. Okay! I'm Barbara Gordon. You're a pussy! She got it! Wait, wait, Batman. That one's pregnant. |
dropout | these_sketch_pitches_are_too_personal | Oh, and I wanted to re-pitch Fifty Shades of Dildos. They come out the sequel, so it's going to be topical. Cynthia, you pitch this every week. We will never make this video.
We'll see. Whatever. Katie, what do you have? Yeah, I have some pitches. Let's see. This one is called Am I Depressed or Do I Just Hate My Boyfriend? Where do you see this sketch going?
I guess I could end with us unenthusiastically agreeing to get married because we've been socialized to think that that's the next step, something like that. Katie, is everything okay with you and Eric? Yeah, it's not about my relationship, Siobhan. Eric and I went to the Madonna Inn last weekend.
Of course things are going well. Hello, this is a pitch meeting, not a therapy session. Okay, all right, everything's okay, though. Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm, yeah. Okay, here's another fun one.
So you know that thing where people want to hang out with you and you're just like, why? I'm no good. So it's like the girl who has low self-esteem. Yes, yeah, maybe it's like two women at a party and one of them is just clearly not as good as the other. You know, she's really dumb and she's boring and she's not funny, but Cynthia still wants to hang out with me for some reason.
I said you. Yeah, you said you.
Katie, no one thinks you're dumb and boring and funny. Oh my God, this isn't about me, guys. We don't even hang out hardly. How could this possibly be about me?
And I know I'm funny. Guys, I'm in comedy.
Okay, all right. As long as you're all right, Katie, that's what matters. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, here's another fun idea. So we've all been to Starbucks, right? Yes, super relatable. Buttloads. So how about a sketch about a girl who's standing in the center of a crowded Starbucks? The one around the corner from my house. And she doesn't wanna get into why she's crying uncontrollably because I know it's gonna be too painful. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So it's like a girl who's over-emotional at a Starbucks. Yes, yeah.
No, Katie, these are not sketch ideas. These are things that you should be discussing at therapy in Grunt. Why do you keep pitching on them? You're just encouraging her.
I think it's funny. Okay, here's one that's definitely not about me, but I'm gonna be honest, it's kind of a half idea. I'll take it.
A girl named Katie who is terrible. No, Katie, you gave her your name. No, that's just a placeholder. She could be named anything. Catherine, Kat, Kate, piece of shit. Literally whatever.
I feel sad. Yeah. I feel sad, I have to be. I'm really depressed.
Fine, I'm sorry. Okay, I just have one more pitch, all right? All right.
You know how you reach out to people for help, but they don't notice. You're noticing right now. And even if they did notice, I'd just deny it anyway. Keep going.
I'm sad, I'm so sad. Okay, what is wrong, Katie? Do you need help, Katie? Me? No. Those were seriously just pitches, okay? Mentally speaking, I've never been better. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_266_Mitch_Wallis | I'm not bad mate, it's good to get a return to a bit of the dry weather that this region is famous for, I mean in the past few weeks we've had flooding rains, we've had every grey haired person in the Land Cruiser Prado and caravan coming through here on the way to the Big Red Bash, it's been a busy few months here in the Simpson Desert. It has. I'm looking forward to the races at the end of next month and then when things start to get a bit quieter over summer I think, look, I think we'll be, we'll be glad that the crowds are gone. I think so too, and the weather there you mentioned, a little bit of an extreme version of Melbourne weather I'd say, which kind of leads us into today's guest, we're talking to someone from our favourite city in Australia that plays our favourite game which is Victorian leg tennis, we're talking to an icon from the Western Bulldogs, 12 straight years, a cult hero, maybe just a hero, but he was much loved by all the Bulldogs fans down there, Mitch Wallace, how are you going?
Can you keep going? My ego is deflating me. More adulation, yeah, look, we can keep going, we can lay it all on you for hours and hours Mitch, a storied career. Thank you guys, I appreciate you getting me on here, it's great to hear you and listen to your podcast over the last five years which has been great, so eager to talk to you guys and then talk a bit of crap.
Yeah, lovely, I'm sure I will get through to the beginnings, the career, the premiership, all that sort of stuff, but I just wanted to check in, you're still playing footy post-Western Bulldogs, I believe, in the VFA, V-A-F-A, is that the Victorian Amateur Football Association? Yeah, so the Vafa, for sure, well my brother's played a couple of seasons there but he came back, he was living in Queensland last year for the year and flew back down and he's probably the main driver of me continuing to play, I'm a bit old and it's nearly past me but I've absolutely loved playing with him and enjoying mum and dad watching us together for the first time ever. Yeah, that's nice and I imagine it is very nice to play with your brother, how do the blokes you come up against feel about it, I know you always hear these stories about guys dropping back from first grade and playing a bunch of, you know, club footy players on the weekend, some love the challenge, some love being embarrassed by a guy who's been training professionally for 12 to 13, 14 years, you been bodying blokes out there? Yeah, it's an interesting, because it's a younger players league, there's a lot of sort of low, mid to low 20s which, you know, I fit that age bracket as well but I've really enjoyed the actual style of footy because it is a bit cleaner, you know, there's those horror stories of you hear, you know, XAFL players playing in country leagues where there's, you know, thugs around and they get hit behind play, there's none of that which is, you know, makes you sleep a little bit at night but I must admit at the start of every game, it's very interesting to see who lines up on you, you know, because you can suss them out very quickly, you shake their hands, you ask them about If they do start hitting you, you try and soften them up to see whether they're a fraud or not very quickly so by the end of the quarter, you know whether they're going to continue to do that all day or you can work on their softer side so it's a little bit easier footy. Has that always been a part of AFL? I mean, like, coming from Western Queensland myself, I'm not that well versed in the nuances of glorified kickbacks but do you just get hit off the ball all the time?
Yeah, you do.
There's different levels. I think the best defenders are the ones that can do it for a really sustained period of time because it is tiring and you have to really put that mask on for the full two hours of playing time and only the best can do that. Like, there is different points within games where all players can do that but the best of the best are the ones that are so diligent and continue to hit, continue to put pressure on the whole game and that sort of sets apart the elite from the average player.
Speaking of elite, are you rocking up to training and game days in dogs' kit? Have you got like the dogs training jumper on or the trackies just to let them know?
Look, I did round one. Didn't go down too well so I did it again.
No, I've got a standard of uniform. I always actually wear jeans and a collar to my games. Smart casual. Again, all the boys rock up in a way but smart casual is the dress code for mine which I'll tell myself can.
Lovely. Last question about amateur footy.
I noticed the hair. I know a lot of people, I myself recognise you from those days with the glorious flowing locks, the Matt King style, Valderrama. Going back to St Kevin's and playing for them, for their old boys' team, did they make you cut the hair? Was that part of the parcel? You've got to have a really, you know, short trim haircut if you want to play for the team. It wasn't but I, upon reflection, I wish I had kept the locks. This is more for the work or the real work outside of footy now that I have to look a little bit prim and proper but I love the locks. I love the afro because my hair did grow up, not down. I repped that for a long time when I was playing footy and I think one of the reasons I did that is Mum said that I'm so recognisable for her point of view because she only watches me when she watches and the flowing blocks were the reason that she could see me.
One of the best chops getting around in AFL, do you reckon, is there anyone in particular that's taken over that mantle? Bailey Smith, obviously he's known for that flowing mullet. Is there anyone else you reckon's up there? I think Bailey's a unique character because he's got, you know, he's a rooster.
He's got the looks, the body and the hair. People who don't have any of them but then try to do the hair, they're working their way backwards but I think in terms of mullets, him and another ex-team mate of mine, Aaron Norton, have solid mullets. They're really thin on the sides and they're long and flowing and I think that's just the style. You know, the short back and sides is now outdated and the mullet's the way to go. If you want to get attention and you want to get a name for yourself, I think that's something that kids can really invest in from a young age. Yeah, well it's almost like hair is something that you really need in that game because I remember when we had Barry Hall in here, you know, the top of his head looked like a hail-damaged Corolla, you know, it was, it looked like every boot from sort of out at Bunbury to Bondi had been on that head, it looked like.
He was amazing. I actually was lucky enough to play season with him because he obviously played, he finished up with the dogs. So, geez, he's a man-mountain, one of the scariest individuals I've ever come across but I was just so glad that he was on my team and not the other opposition.
Absolutely fair enough. Outside of playing a bit of footy for St Kevin's, how's post football life treating you? Oh, I'm loving it. I probably didn't anticipate, you know, having the freedom in my head, you know, the amount of capacity that football takes up from stresses to pressures to training, the things that you do on a weekly basis, removing all that and being able to, you know, approach the real world with my family, you know, putting them, you know, the front of everything I do has just given me so much passion to, you know, to explore business ventures but also spend time with them and enjoy seeing their growth and their, you know, I've got a three-year-old and a one-year-old and they're growing up so fast. So, I'm really loving the extra capacity in my head to devote time to them but also some of my business exploits that I was curating during footy but obviously only minimal with, you know, the amount of times that you have to devote to playing footy. Must be nice as well not to have to think about any more pre-seasons coming up as well, I imagine. Oh, yeah. And that's, you know, it's funny because in my early years I loved training so much. The pre-season, again, was really exciting but by the end of it, you know, they've become so monotonous and the days are so long and it's so arduous and you go on camps and you're uncomfortable and rah rah rah rah and you're trying to fight for your spot that doesn't really mean anything. So, there's so many different layers to pre-seasons but to just forget about all that, look forward to summer, treating myself and going out and not worrying about coming home in shape is something that's really exciting. Fair enough.
Are you one of those guys that's looking to now triathlons or something like that just as a bit of fun or are you shying away from the hardcore cardio for a little while? Give me 12 months and ask me that question again. I promise myself that I wouldn't but I think, you know, I love going to Noosa, Queensland. My family have a hotel house there so I do out there a bit and triathlons are royalty out there. So, I may compete in one but I think it's only to finish it, cross the line and then go to the pub and feel like you've earned your beers for one. And then leave your number on there for a week to 10 days or something like that. Yeah, make sure you get a tattoo of what number you were and how long you took and all that stuff and post about it and pump yourself up, you know, it's all part of it. I want to take it back to the beginning.
Mitch mentioned that story career at the top of the show there. You were a pretty hot shot young footballer. I believe making all the rep teams, all that sort of stuff and then progress through I think number 20 or 22 or something like that in the draft. It looks like from the outside that it all went to plan. You're just a really talented guy who worked hard and made it through into the AFL. Going through those teenage years and the late teen years, did it feel like that at the time? Did it feel like it was a progression or was it one of those ones that it was still just a dream one day to be able to pull on an AFL jersey? I think start by saying it was the dream. I was very lucky that I had Tom Levittore, my best mate for a number of years, to experience that with.
We were a part of rep teams. I know it's junior footy and rep teams take it quite seriously. When you're in the system, you have a clear objective of where you want to get to. When you do play in state representative sides and make all Australians, you feel like you're on that trajectory to play.
But I think we were quite lucky that we got to go to the Bulldogs training under a father-son rule, if you call it. As a 14, 15-year-old, we would do water boys. We were lucky enough to join in some pre-season training at different points. But then part of a program, we were amongst AFL and amongst the elite from a very early age, being 15, 16, 17. Then to be drafted, we were told that they were going to take us about mid-year in 2010.
In terms of doing your schooling and the pressures that come with that, it was such a relief. Something that we really took in our stride has been an advantage because we could focus on our studies and just enjoy playing footy without the stresses. In terms of whether it was realistic or not, I think it was all along. But it didn't mean that every day I didn't work my ass off to try and put my hand up and do the right things to be able to get a role on a list.
But also, having the platform to launch from the dogs through the father-son rule definitely provided an extra opportunity that I think was really valuable for Tom and I. When you got into the AFL, you reached the highest point. Did it feel like you were at the absolute most elite level of your sport? It's one of our only national games that doesn't have a full-time international team. What was it like to finally crack the AFL and to feel the validation that you were of that level?
It's an interesting word, validation, because it's something that you get when you're 18, when you get drafted. But as soon as you get drafted, you get a number. When you walk in the doors of a club, you lose that validation of your number so quickly.
You're just one of another 40 on the list. As you progress through your career, I'm a very competitive person and you're not really a competitor if you're not on an AFL list. If you are on an AFL list, you have to be a competitor. You're always searching to be the best, be the best player, being the best team.
Unfortunately, we made a grand final in 2016 and I wasn't part of that. Up until that point, I was always searching to be better and the validation is probably coming with awards, grand finals. Then you can sit back and say, wow, I've reached the pinnacle of the sport. But because I missed out on that through a serious injury, that year really brought me some perspective on what's really important in life. That being obviously my family, my health and fitness, and then just happiness. Post that experience, I think it was more about enjoying and creating memories within the football environment rather than trying to be validated by getting the best and fairest or winning a grand final. It was a really important coping mechanism for mine to stay and have longevity within the AFL system, but also a different approach to why I ceased having a successful game or having a successful season because I couldn't be validated by searching for a grand final, which is so hard to achieve. Then when you do get there and you miss out, then where do you sit? It was a great learning year as much as it was devastating to miss out on the grand final, on the win. It did provide a lot of context for what's most important in my life.
How hard was that process, those few months there where obviously you're cheering on your teammates and you are a part of that team and you're a part of that success and you're a part of that grand final winning culture and club and team and everything like that. But sitting there on the sideline, not being able to get in and get out there with those guys, how hard was that? Yes, a real paradox because I love the team. I played all 18 games up until my injury, playing quite well, being a part of it. Then you get to a point where there's one day there's 22 players and a coach that get awarded the medal on grand final day.
You feel so far from being a part of it. It's a real strange feeling.
I've been quite open that I was really emotional about missing out. I haven't cried too often in my life, but I did cry a fair bit around that time. Having spent 26 years wanting to achieve something and then missed out through an injury is quite hard to swallow and digest and think about. I think as I touched on before, through that whole process of talking to people, having a clear objective to wanting to be able to play again, because that was probably at the forefront of my mind with how serious the injury was, I gained a lot of perspective on what's important in my life. Playing footy was one of them, but definitely not the priority, which helped me overcome that sadness of not playing, but also just gave me a little bit more balanced view on life and what to expect and how to appreciate and enjoy the small things in life.
Fair enough.
You spoke about finding that kind of process post that grand final win. How did that set you in stead for what was to come over the last little while in terms of hanging up the boots there at the Western Bulldogs? I think no one can ever prepare you for your last game or your last season.
I think you have to go through that and ride the emotions. But the thing that I was very lucky with, you talk about having a 12-year career. I studied, my parents provided an environment which they made sure that I had something else to do alongside playing footy, so I had things to look forward to when I did finish. But you try and hold on to playing and the identity of being a footballer for so long, and then when it's ripped from you, identity that you've tried to protect and cultivate for so many years, it does take a fair bit of emotional energy to transition into this new being that you want to be. So I love my time at the club, but what I try to do is really cut the cord and let go of that old identity at the club, and then try and embrace the new one that I'm trying to form within the working realms that I am and within my family space. Look, I'm still battling with it. I can't say that I've got 100% correct, but I do look and tell people that I used to play footy, that I'm not a football player anymore.
Yeah, fair enough.
And are you able to watch games or are you still kind of feeling like you want to watch the dogs every week and feeling like you want to support the group or are you as part of that process taking a step back and just getting a bit of fresh air? Look, again, there's probably two points to that answer. I love watching them because I have so many great relationships with players and I care about how they're performing. A lot of players call me for a little bit of advice here and there. Just to maybe go through some of the things that they've discussed with coaches and other players, and I really want to be that sounding board. So the only way you can do that is if you watch them and see it unfold yourself. And then this other aspect of me that on a Saturday night after a Vafa game with some kevins, either going out for a beer or some dinner, I want to be able to do that and not have any restraints on needing to watch the dogs play. In the past, as a player, you watch every minute, you listen to every word that the coaches say, which is a bit of an intense pot. But trying to let that go and maybe catching the replay or the highlights on games that you do miss and that's sufficing for your dog's outlet. That's probably what I'm chasing a little bit more. And I've only been to one game this year.
And that's probably to your point about trying to let go is not going and it being okay to watch it in my own environment, to watch it at a pub with mates, to watch it with the family and feel like I'm watching and supporting but I don't have to go. Yeah, fair enough. It must be nice to have it on in the corner of the pub after a game.
As you said, you finished playing on a Saturday, rolled into the pub for boat races. You always do boat races down there? Boat races, yeah.
Yeah, okay, cool. Look, I just thought I'd check. It's fairly universal on the eastern seaboard. I suppose down in Melbourne, they do them with pints, don't they? Surely it's half pints. It could take half an hour. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, but it must be nice to have it on in the background then.
Touching on the footy, it's a very hotly contested race this year by the looks of things. The table looks jammed up. We're heading into road safety round.
That's something which you found yourself as an ambassador for. Could you please tell us how that came about?
Yeah, so again, it was born about probably from a very unfortunate horrific circumstance. Last year, my mother-in-law was struck by a car and was killed. Tragedy that obviously to this day still affects our family profoundly and our greater community because it was out of the blue and it was an absolute tragedy.
So obviously having a keen interest in football still and then the connection with obviously having been touched by the road toll. We saw our relationship with the TAC and AFL Victoria, the road safety round which is coming up to be an ambassador and to promote awareness for this round but for everyone going forward about the importance of road safety and how horrific if things don't go your way and there are accidents that it affects you and those around you. I'm a massive advocate for road safety, obviously, but more importantly, the awareness piece of others and the impact that decisions, distractions can have on you and your greater circles. Look, I'm a big advocate and this year we're banding together through the football environment through AFL Victoria to wear armbands and promote road safety because at the end of the day, we all have someone to drive safely for and the importance of obeying rules and maintaining concentration for every time that you're on the road because no family should have to go through the tragedy that my family did because it's too important to arrive safely and enjoy love and enjoy having everyone safe. Yeah, absolutely. You know, particularly coming from a regional area, our newspaper, aware of all the dangers on the road and things can happen and that's why it's such an important thing to raise awareness about and distracted driving is one of the major themes of this year's road safety round which we'll see. I'm hearing clubs all across Victoria, netball and football, wearing armbands and supporting that road safety round as well as on the AFL field as well. Yeah, they are and it's about banding together because the more conversations, the more awareness people have. Like you said, everyone across Victoria will be wearing a blue armband on their left arm to promote the safety round but also it's just about raising awareness because as I said before, tragedies happen all the time and if they can be avoided, they can save so much heartache for families and friends of those who lose loved ones or even get injured permanently. Yeah, please, if you do play sport on the weekends, whether it be football, netball or any sport across Victoria, don the blue armband and promote that awareness of AFL, you know, Victoria road safety round because it's such an important part of the way that we live our lives and also can be, you know, for a small conversation with a mate or a family member to just make sure they do concentrate and do arrive safely can, you know, prevent so much heartache for families and friends.
Make a huge difference, yeah, and who does St Kevin's have this weekend? This weekend we've got University Blues. Melbourne University?
Yes. Yeah, right, and how are they going? You guys going to get up over them or?
Well, we actually got the top four, played two teams in the top four in the next month so there's a little bit of a gap between fourth and fifth so if we pinch a couple of wins here, we'll probably solidify, you know, a final's birth but they're sitting second and they agonisingly better spot points in the last game that we played against them so. Yeah, big clash coming up and will you be playing up top or in the middle or whereabouts are you looking? I'll play forward mate, I'm going on the days of chasing around the ball too much, you know, I'll maybe get a hint here and there in the midfield but I'll let the younger lads run around and get knocked and get bruised and bumped and then I'll distill the glory by kicking some snags. Fair enough, looks good doing that and I did want to ask you as well, one of the things the dogs were in the news for over the last couple of years was a pretty joyous looking Mad Monday celebration seems to be the cause now, whenever any footy players find, on a Mad Monday, journalists seem to be trying to sniff around, get on top of milk crates, chairs, balconies across to get as many pictures as they can of people having, just having a good time at the end of the footy season. Could you possibly tell us about how that experience was in terms of, you know, the damage control after it and all that sort of stuff? Yeah, look, we're quite lucky that I don't think Mad Mondays, we weren't notorious for getting in trouble but we took the view that if media are trying to, you know, get some vision or get photos that we have some senior players at least confront them and say, look, we're having a Mad Monday, having a couple of drinks, disrespectfully you can take a photo but don't go prying and then leave after you've got enough because, again, you can imagine as the day progresses things, you know, change shape quite considerably when you do start at 10am but, oh, look mate, we had a lot of fun and now probably you talk about the elements of why you love playing footy at the highest level, you know, we call it Mad Week, Mad Monday, whatever you want to call it, it's the epitome of your playing year because that's when you get to let your hair down and have fun but we did go to some extreme measures to make sure that people from the outside world didn't peer in, we put newspaper up on windows, made sure there was a lock in and we had all the appropriate, you know, equipment inside to have some fun to make sure everyone was a bit sick, that we put a little bit of a, not a hospital bay but a sick bay in the corner but, mate, they were great, they were great plays, great time. I think we had a little bit of an initiation sort of thing where young players had to tell some stories which was a great thing for them because it was, you know, it was welcome to the group, welcome to the team that you're going to be a part of hopefully a lot longer. Yeah, some characters in that Dogs team as well. Did the premiership celebrations, I'm not sure how much a part of it you were in terms of whether, you know, taking a step back etc but back in 2016, was that Mad Monday month or how long did it go on for you guys? Did you watch our season? 2017.
Still went all the way through that, did it? There was no pre-season camp, it was Bali etc. It was Bali. No, it went for probably too long, you know, the boys had a very nice break.
Yeah, we ended up missing the finals the following year so talk about the premiership hangover, I think there's no truest sentiments to the way that we approached 2017. Well, I'm not sure what the West Coast Eagles excuse is this time around or the year before, the year before that. I think they're probably still a little bit dusty since, what was it, 2000? Yeah, maybe they're just they're just having a Mad Monday decade.
Yeah. All right, well Mitch, thanks very much for joining the Paterravka podcast, it's great to chat to you and bad things are going well post footy, I hope it keeps on going and hopefully you get up over those university blues on the weekend, talk to you soon. Yeah, thanks for having me on that, I appreciate your time and I'm loving the work you're doing. |
CrackerMilk | how_siblings_fight | Connor! Did you drink my chocolate milk? I don't know. Oh yeah? Then what's that on your mouth? Um, none of your business, actually. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm not afraid of you. I know what makes you tick. You're fueled by two things. Tampons and boys. Guess what?
Dad's actually never liked you and he pretends to be drunk all the time but just around you so that he doesn't have to talk to you. I'm gonna tie your hair into a noose and hang you from a tree and not only are you gonna be dead everybody's gonna know that you aren't a natural redhead. You don't actually have curly hair. I've been knocking you out once a month and giving you a perm since you were three. If you keep this up I'm gonna tell everyone I know about your extra labia. I'm gonna pull your foreskin out and wrap it up over your head and suffocate you with your own man-skin.
If you ever threaten me again I'll tell Dean that you like- Fuck you, Connor! Hey! Stop it! Do you wanna get some lunch? |
SaturdayNightLive | almost_pizza_snl | Mmm, pizza. I didn't hear the delivery guy pull up. that's because it's not delivery. really? And it's not exactly pizza, either. it's almost pizza. Come on, that's pizza. Nope, it's very nearly pizza, but not quite. it's almost pizza. See? come on, let's eat. So it's tofu pizza, or something like that? No, you could put tofu on a pizza and still legally call it pizza. But don't call this pizza. it's almost pizza. pizza. That's practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on, dig in. But it's food, though, right? come on. mmm, pizza. nice one, Mom. hang on here. what exactly is this, Carol? it looks like pizza. it's meant to. but it's not. if it was pizza, it would just say pizza. Look, I'll eat some. sure smells like pizza. that was their intention.
Whose? just try it, Tom. it's getting cold. No, if anything, it's getting hotter. Okay, what is this, Carol? just eat some. Hell, no! I'll eat it. No!
I never said it was pizza. if it's almost dinner, it's almost time for almost pizza. The thing that's much like pizza, roughly speaking. from Pfizer. |
cracked | my_employer_fired_me_because_of_my_smell_w_kyle_kinane | Um, Kyle, I've, we don't usually tell the guests this before we start, but we're going to play a theme song and we're going to dance a little bit. Oh, really? I just want you to be mentally prepared for that. What I mean, I don't, I don't think I'm going to be, but all right. Okay. Fair enough. Are we going?
Bryn made it. She's in a band. It's another week season two here on crack.com home of the fact. I'm your host, Alex. And this is Jeremy. We're here every week reading Quora. It's a simple podcast. It's what the show is. There's nothing else to know. Uh, we have a very exciting guest this week, all the way from the tinsel town of Hollywood itself.
We have Kyle. Kyle.
I live in Portland. Yeah. I was going to say all the way from tinsel town, I think you're the first guest we've had in a long time, just not in New York. And so I went to go grab like the big apple and I was like, shit. Fuck. What do they call it? The windy sittin, that's not it. Bean town. Uh, Kyle, you ever go on the internet? I'm familiar with it.
They had to download stuff. They got everything on there. They got all kinds of store. Got skateboard videos and boobs.
You got, you got, that's the range of what I look at. Yeah, pretty much. I don't need anything else out of that machine. I don't think you're missing anything.
Uh, well, the show is we go on Quora, we find questions, uh, and we try to answer them and we also read the organic answers, which are all planted by experts. Uh, those are the only people they allow on Quora.com. That's true. And, uh, I don't know. Peterson got his start on Quora.
That's our big factor. This is like the one thing we do.
Relation to corn, the vegetarian meat substitute. Uh, I don't think so. Or a corn, corn cover band, vegan corn, vegan corn, vegan new metal. Absolutely. Twice as many drums.
Do you know anything about Quora? Have you been on the thing? I feel like it's come up when I've tried to get some information.
I immediately recognize that as a unreliable source of all the unreliable sources, it really took the gold. If you can't get to WebMD, a great backup.
Uh, I guess the weird part of it is that it's also trying to be Facebook. So there's like a weird interaction thing happening.
And that's just like the basis of what you need to know going into this. So that's really it.
Every week on the end of the show, we ask a question. Then we start the next show, seeing, uh, the answers we got. So what did we do last week?
Jeremy? You don't remember. Uh, I remember really grasping for it.
It's an okay one. It took too much time. Just post that. That's fine. If you kill someone using a pencil, like the Joker from the Dark Knight, can you still go to heaven?
And all of the answers are like, no, no, you can't. How dare you not a workaround? Yeah, no, no one really has any fun answers on it. I can't believe we got any answers.
Yeah. Seems like an open and sharp case to me.
Someone says, Anders Graham says, if you, uh, if you use it to kill baby Hitler, maybe you can, but, uh, baby Hitler is famously already dead. He's already dead.
So we're fine with that. All right. Well, that's that. Yeah.
I don't know. Kyle, do you have any thoughts? I thought you were going with some about like the lead or can you reuse the pencil? I didn't know that.
Like the religion was coming into it. Yeah. That was, that's where I like, oh, well, that's an open and shut case. Yeah. Murder. Regardless of the means. The pencil is like, uh, it's a red herring. Really? Throw you off from the basic murder question. I feel like it was probably a reference to something else. We said that week and I don't remember it. Okay. Yeah. I was like, have you killed somebody with a pencil? Does the pencil get more as if it's a number? Sure.
Is there lead poisoning? Would that kill him quicker than the puncture?
Like that's right. Right. Yeah. But as far as heaven, if, I mean, if you're into that kind of thing, that's like, that's like the first rule. Yeah.
You can't kill or they even call it a commandment, not even a rule. There's nothing to do with pencils. No.
Um, we've got a bunch of segments. Oh, wait, I do have to say, because I feel like this maybe came up last week, if you are going to respond to our chorus before the thing comes out, you must use the words scrambled eggs. This is the only way we will know. You came from the podcast and I'm ruining the data for our science experiment.
Yeah. Well, that's the code. Yeah. Scrambled eggs. That's the code. Um, the code. That's a safe word.
We're ready to get into it now. What are we doing first? Jeremy?
Quora MD, medical questions. Most of Quora's people being like, if you have this sickness, you're probably going to die in the next few days. So we found a bunch of, uh, medical related questions. I mean, there's so many good places to go for medical questions on the internet, but your peers aren't there.
It's like, uh, being judged by a jury. Yeah.
If you don't want to put on airs. Listen, I just got bit by a rattlesnake, but my insurance is a little iffy. You guys want to steer me through this one. Let's leave this one off.
Um, this first question is how does it feel to have a six pack abs? Okay. Can we attack the, uh, grammar of that? Feel to have a six pack, six pack, a full pack, but the, but then abs plural. Oh man. If you want to attack the grammar, you are going to love the next 10 to 15 question. Uh, I'm going to guess it feels really great. You ever have like a juvenile sixer coming? Yeah.
I feel like I might've had one as a child. No, just from, just from being young and active, just from moving around a little bit. I was fatter than ever before. Were you, were you a chubby kid?
Oh yeah. Oh, so you dialed in later. Yeah, sure. I just got taller. I think you can do it. Try that. It's a really good cheat code to stretch the fat over my bones. Yeah. You just wear it long. You know what I'm talking about? It's like pushing pizza dough out on the counter. You'll get that thing crushed. Don't worry. Uh, what I like about this question is it is full of people with abs. Just letting you know that day to day. Yeah.
This guy has as a picture of himself. If you want to see it, this is him 285 to two hundred. Is it, do we think that's the same guy? It's just one of his enemies. He's developed a bit of an attitude between the pounds. I know.
I don't know why they don't pose in the before picture, at least given up. He's all slouchy and bummed out. Of course you look like shit. Do a little flex. If the guy in the before picture believed in himself, I'd be like, you don't need all these muscles. You look like you're happy. The second guy doesn't look much happier either. No, he looks pretty bummed.
This is the one opinion I do have about a six pack, which is that you cannot obtain it, uh, uh, in a, uh, cosmic good sense. Like you have to carry an anger with you at all times that permeates through the body.
Yeah. Look at this guy's hands. Yeah. Oh, fists. Why can't those be flat? Yeah.
Good for changing life. Um, is there a specific one you want me to read Alex? They just just have fun out of their baby.
Sorry. I'll cut you off. Useless muscles too.
Yeah, it's true. It's for show. They're not utility. They're in the middle. You have to do a little bit of everything with those babies. I mean, I, I have no like real reason to make fun of these people aren't real. I'm full of shit, but isn't that the same?
Like, like people that are like really large are actually very strong because they have all the muscles underneath to carry that weight around secretly. They're really strong bragging about it. You ever see someone who's like 300 pounds is a hundred pounds real quick. And then their calf looks like a fist.
Oh yeah. Sure. Yeah.
They've had to steady that mass for a long time. Every time they've gone up the stairs to get a pizza, it's been growing. And now it's coming to get you.
These guys who are really jacked looking, they're just like, they're like dogs that can't live that long. It was like, it looks really pretty, but like his face is like a flat line. You better enjoy it now. I thought you meant because they're going to fight in about that too. They're a glass cannon build. There's another thing too, is the people who get really strong, like the strong men competition, strong men. Those are all like all gentlemen. They're egg shaped men.
That's the strongest shape you can be is a big oval. Yeah, that's true. It has like the most surface area of strength. Yeah. Utility strength isn't the same as vanity strength.
And that's why I've never gotten a sex bag. It's not something I want to take part in. I already like who I am.
Yeah. Uh, have you seen that movie pumping iron? I don't force the digger. Oh, I think so. In that documentary, it's like very young. Iron Force thing.
He says he specifically says working out is like coming for him. So maybe it's great for him. When he squeezes his muscles, it feels like he comes.
And then he terrorizes Lou Ferrigno, the whole booth. That's why it's a good movie because it features a unique character, evil Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is normally banned from the public view. Really? He's a bad dude. He like just gaslights Lou Ferrigno, the whole movie family. It's very strange eating dinner with his mom shit, talking him. And it's like, this is high level. Lou Ferrigno is like 17.
Maybe that's how they do it in Austria. I don't know. I mean, they just zing each other a lot. Maybe. Something about the altitude. Yeah. Um, I'm trying to see if any of these are like interesting.
A lot of people are just posting photos in themselves. Rude. You got them. Of course you're going to pose. You're not keeping a shirt. It's funny you ask.
It feels fantastic. Also, I've just been on QORA all day waiting for somebody to ask this question. These people are all so happy. I can't find anyone who's like, it may be worse. I think these guys answer every question that somehow leads to their abs. You know what I can do is I can look because these people, QORA gives you way too much info.
Are good year tires better than Pirelli tires?
I don't know. All I know is when I'm shirtless, working on my car. Here you go.
This guy is a male stripper. Good for him. Troubled youth ex-con male stripper.
French foreign legion reject. Self-sufficient homeless wanderer. See, if that was me, I wouldn't put the foreign legion reject part in there. I feel like that takes you down a notch.
I don't know. If this is weird, this guy, this guy's name is Austin Byers. I'm going to say his full name. He, after the six pack question, he answered the question.
I know I'm a pervert. What do I do now? And he says, I know that I have the sex drive of a serial rapist. So what do I do?
That's something you want to put on the internet. You want to get that online.
Why write that down? I think you have other attributes of a serial rapist. Would you write that about yourself? Fucking lunatic.
And here's a photo of me. Here's my address. Here's where I work.
I'll come to you. I'll come on you.
What do you need? It's a one-stop shop.
Yeah. Um, okay. I got another question for us. This one is, um, can I patent my sperm so that it cannot be used without my permission? Good sound effect for that. Thank you. I've worked really hard at that. Yeah. If you draw a little like C in a circle on whatever old man. Sure.
I bet nobody will touch it. Then people are going through your garbage for your issues. Finally, my genetics. Don't go in my fridge. That's a special fridge sodas in the garage fridge. That's my jizz fridge. I can't imagine the hubris to go up to a sperm bank and see a different jar of sperm and just go up with the counter and be like, is that, I hate to ask this, is that my sperm?
Well, I know the hack way of copywriting something is to mail it to yourself. Right. Maybe you just take all this jizz down to, down to the post office. Yeah, exactly. And send it back to your own house. Just jack off right into an envelope.
Just get one of them dry ice boxes. Make sure they don't go bad. You got to weigh it. So valuable. That's money in the bank.
I know where two sounds are reliably and I'm going to nail them. The bank we're talking about makes that sound. We don't have a splat sound. If your balls sound like a sack of coins, see a doctor.
What did people say? Um, this guy, Phil, Phil Albert, who is a patent attorney says, what do you want to ask? Phil, my butthole. He says, this is not a stupid question. Oh, I begged a different. In fact, aside from the things that need to be protect protected, these same sorts of issues often occur.
For example, effort doesn't make a difference. Effort doesn't make a difference.
I'll concede that your DNA is novel. Is it patentable subject matter? Probably not. Seed patents, DNA snippet patents rely on some transformation that does not occur in nature.
This is someone who thinks we're far more interested. Yeah, I don't care. And that's a damn shame. Nobody is asking why this guy is just keeping his sperm. What do you think people want it for? Just. Flush it, man.
You can use it as an adhesive. Household uses. So you think it's like he's using it. He thinks people are going to use it as like a glue instead of it's like after people, you know, climax and like, Oh, that was great. And he's like, nobody touch it.
My first thought was that he thinks people are going to try to like, have his babies, like taking it. And then they're like, I'm going to have this man's son.
That's what I mean. But that's sex. Yes, that says that.
I don't think this guy knows what that is. There's two options. And one is it's a very healthy man who thinks everyone wants to steal his genes. And then the other one is a very sick man who thinks that his weird sperm could be used for tools. This is a fifth grader with a level of anxiety of a 30 year old.
Someone tasted it and thought it was really good. And he's like, this could be a condiment. That's a sauce. I can always bought a sauce.
This guy says, in order to patent something, you need to invent it first. There must be some creative intellectual contribution from your side. For example, things that nature say plants can't be patented and your sperm falls in that category. That seems unfair.
Shut up, dude. Ever like hope that it's AI responding to these. So your faith in humanity remain at the bare minimum that it's at now. I just like who's going on here to answer this? Patent lawyers. I mean, I. America's top highest that every time you record an episode, it's true. This is actually one of the better communities we've stumbled into so far. This guy, Glenn Jenkinson says, why would anyone want to use your DNA with or without your permission? Parentheses, not a mean spirited question. I mean, I'm just here to contribute to the conversation.
Continue works at Boeing. Huh? I just think it's funny how much information there is. Yeah, why is it used to Texas? Airbus stay winning. University of Florida. And he wants to know what you think your people are using your sperm for.
OK, so the answer is no, it sounds like he's bragging about his number of Quora views in his profile. He says over one million views. See, these are all Yelp Yelp elite members in the world, aren't they?
I no longer answer to know what I think of this White Castle. It'll help guide their day. I'm going to follow them. It may not sound like anything to you, but these are the numbers industry wants to hear. I guide the human experience, really, is what it comes down to. I'm bettering society. Before we give you that pilot, I'm going to need to see your Quora views. Need no people are tuning in.
All right, man, do we got any other medical questions? No, that's all the medical questions.
The next one is the the Quirk Place, our workplace segment. All right, let me pull up that song. Welcome to the Quirk Place.
The killer be killed world of American business and also sometimes Indian business. Yeah, a lot of Indian users in Quora. There are more Indians than there are Americans.
And that's something I'll say every week. You got to stop saying that. It's just how I feel.
This question is if I accidentally pooped on the ground and it didn't make it to the toilet when I was at the store, should I clean it up or ask someone at the store to call for the maintenance person on staff? Uh-huh. This guy went to a store, took a shit on the ground and then was like, what do I do about it?
I'm going to go to Quora. It's the same guy from the jizz. Again, this is a this is a paranoid schizophrenic. Yeah, I came up with doomsday.
You think this didn't happen to this guy? I think it happened to him and then he opened up his phone.
I was like, now what? I need answers slow. I think it's a question of self-respect, really. I think it's a question of what store?
Yeah. Okay.
Like a Home Depot, a lot of people. There's a mop you could just purchase and handle your life, you know? Yeah, that's a good idea. It's a little self, you know, a little responsibility for your life. You're at a big box store like a Walmart, like a BJ's and it may just be better to leave things to the natural flow of the store. It's like its own town in there. Yeah, if you're at a Sephora, I don't know what to do for it. There's only 20 feet in space. That's out of my jurisdiction, pour a lot of perfume on it. Yeah, take your shirt off, use that as a paper towel of some kind. There's something funny, too, about going to like a Home Depot at the cashier with like a mop and a bunch of cleaning stuff and be like, and where's the bathroom?
I'm gonna run this back. And where's your garbage? Everyone's bad at me, I cleaned it up myself. Yeah, give me that receipt. I'm gonna be returning this in about 20 minutes.
Okay, well, what does the Quora think? Edward Stevenson says, I saw that happen to a poor lady in a Sears store at Christmas time. Oh, you did? No, Christmas.
The line was long and slow and she was obviously sick. Well, this isn't getting fun. It's not really that fun anymore.
The Quora woman dropped a mess right there while she stood in line. Yes, she should have realized she needed to leave the line, but to her credit, she stood over it and called the sales quirk to check out for help. Obviously, she didn't want anyone to fall because of her misdeed, oh my God. I believe she did the best she could. She had no means to clean it up and I don't think she did it deliberately. Of course, she was mortified, but under those circumstances, she handled it properly.
Don't you agree? I don't know if I agree.
I thought mortified was strictly used for 17 magazine. I think this is like the best use case of the word mortified, is you shit in the store and still check out.
Still stand over it. Continue to buy your husband a scarf over here. I know it's six hours from Christmas. Do you validate parking?
Yeah, extremely sick is actually, like that's when this would happen now that I'm thinking about it. I was sick and threw up in the airport on the ground before I got to the bathroom.
That's fine. Not even like an alcohol, like I just had too much weird stuff in me and then when I came out of the bathroom, so they did just put a cone next to it. That's why they have them. So somebody saw me doing it, I had to walk out by the cone. It felt very passive aggressive, even though it was the right thing. I was like, I, okay. But you had to put the cone, of course they had to put the cone.
People throw up in airports a lot. Yeah, that's what happens three times a day. I remember as a kid throwing up on my pants and then zipping them off because they were the short zipper pants. Remember those being a thing? Wow, now we know what that's for. That's what that's for. That's for when you're a child and you throw up on your pants. You're either on the basketball team or you're at the airport and threw up a little bit.
Sure. Also, being sick at an airport is like, good, let's ship this at other places. Yeah. Let's go ahead and get whatever's in there.
I had a weird lunch and I decided to drink a couple of IPAs, which I don't enjoy and everything in my belly was like, absolutely not, Kyle. And I wasn't drunk, just came, I was running to the bathroom, came up and I was like, this is not what happens as an adult. This is why I don't like IPAs.
Supposed to be much, yeah. And the airport was like, don't step here. Yeah, we'll clean it if we want to, but we want to make sure that you know that we know. This is part of our aesthetic. Welcome to LaGuardia.
What time of the day are we talking? Middle of the afternoon.
And it was like North Carolina, it was a small airport too, so definitely. They knew. That was the biggest thing that happened to that. Somebody at their most alert took care of that.
So I got left, I abandoned my bags too. I'm like, don't call in a bomb threat. See something, say something. I had weird vegan barbecue. Don't take my backpack, please. No liquids. Yeah. You know what, I don't deserve pants.
I just want to read this answer, just the beginning of it, from this guy, Ryan Thomas, whose job is owner of a dozen tattoos. He says, I won't get much love for this answer. The first thing you're going to want to do is bail out of the situation immediately without running though, and get out away from the scene of the crime, AKA accident. He just says like leave.
Oh, that's what you meant. AKA accident. Poop fugitive. Well, somebody's fake name is just two first names. Ryan Thomas, let's check him out. It's a brother of Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. That's right.
He's got nine followers. It's in his bio. Yeah, he's got a pretty boring bio.
What else has he answered? That's the fun part from it. What else have he answered? His expertise was needed.
I mean, here's a very core question and apologies if it's too far. What would be the reaction of police if black people would have marched on Capitol Hill?
Huh? What? I can tell you what they should do if they shit in a store. AKA.
Finally, we've organized black January 6th. That's what we're calling it. I'm glad we looked into this. I feel positive about it.
I mean, I love looking at what people would say. We found Orson Scott Card's account the other day. Famous sci-fi racist author. You got a lot of stuff to say. He's on Quora a lot.
Stay tuned for that. This is a similar question.
My employer fired me because of my smell. All of my managers told me I'm an exceptional worker.
Why does odor matter so much? Now, have you noticed hustlers do have that? It's part of the by-product to put in the works. The smell of money. I'm running around perspirating, you know? It's hard work. Why am I sweating?
I'm making more calls than you. Answer more emails than you. Skip lunch.
I believe the phrase is pimping ain't easy. That's my damp underarms. I do not have time to go to the bathroom. I'm carrying all this gold around my neck. I got my pits sweating. I'm fine.
I gotta say that for a little bit. What is the last sentence of the question?
Why does odor matter so much?
You can't see it. It's so true. You can't touch it. One of the final discriminations out there. Hey, it's not gonna hurt you. It's just odor.
I'd be too embarrassed to call a lawyer for that. They're like, well, what happened? It's wrongful termination.
They said I really just reeked. My client stinky did nothing wrong. My stinky client. The pig pen stink lines are coming up.
What's the answer though? What is the answer?
Elwood Blue says, look buddy, there's been a time or two when I've actually walked up to and helped my garbage men load their truck when I have a ton of trash to load. Thank you Elwood.
Into literal trash, garbage, disgusting messes of chemical soups and whatever rancid decaying mess people found in their fridge every day. They take it to the landfill that it can only, we get the point. They probably smelled really good. Garbage men. None of these people smelled like their work, which is the head of trash. They're heroes. So if a garbage man can show up to work not smelling like a hot garbage, I don't understand why it's so hard for anyone else to do the same. Okay, but sometimes they do smell bad though.
Some people have a glandular issue. Yeah, it could be a medical thing. Yeah.
Now what? Okay, now what?
You're so cocky making fun of stinky when he's so sick. My disgusting client is not a man, you say. Are we not all people? Why does odor matter so much?
I'll let it ride some days. Really? Yeah, just cause like, whatever. Sometimes the missus will get a little upset. She's like, you've ruined part of the house. Kyle, did you let it ride again?
Well, she just calls me onion patch. All right, fair enough. I thought I was doing all right.
Can't get fired from comedy for smelling bad. They'll try. I mean, I've pushed the envelope a lot. Let's say if there's one field where people are kind of testing this out. I'm too funny for people to be mad at my smell. Have you ever farted on stage?
I don't think I have. Have you, Alex? Yeah, I think I have.
Not in a way where I think other people knew right away. Where people would be like, he's trying to make us laugh, but that was him though. Yeah, I'm not trying to be like juvenile about it, but I remember it was a show, and the stage was about, it was a taller stage, so people were like, their face was level with the stage. You could tell it just came down like concert fog. And I just, I knew I did it. I'm like, it's all right, man. I've been eating mozzarella sticks all weekend, and I just, I never look at the audience, and I just, in my peripheral saw just this woman. She's like laughing, and then she's like, and then she's like, oh no. I couldn't acknowledge it, and I wanted to just be like, I am very sorry. And I could tell it just, yeah, it just came down. There's a mystery to her face. I'm like, I am very sorry for what happened to you right there.
There's a critical moment when you fart where you're like, maybe it's gonna blow the other way. Maybe this is the perfect crime this time. I like that because I feel like then, if the joke does bad, I could be like, it's probably because of the fart.
The writing was stellar. It's unimpeachable.
You know when you form habits that you don't think other people notice? Sure. Like if I beef, I'll just blow in my lap. And I'm like, that's very obvious what's going on, because it doesn't do anything. You try to blow it away. And now it smells. Yeah, I feel like I'm just kind of like, I think I try to do the opposite. I try to suck it up so no one else gets to it. I'm like, it's all for me. I don't, I have no right to be disgusted by that, but you, sir, have actually crossed. What if it all just, I just vacuum it. You've crossed the line I didn't know I had. The goal of the podcast is to get Jeremy to love himself. It's just a six bag. And now you've just doubled down.
It's like, it's like hardening a sword, you know. Yeah, well, I heard sharp, it's iron. Anyway, everyone's just like, yeah, that's up, man. We got somewhere with that.
It was too bad. I had a coworker who smelled like cat urine. This person says, that's rough. Oh, I wonder why.
Probably goes, I got a cat.
That's probably why. I had some lonely people, you look in their car and it's like, it's like so many beanie babies covering when she'll be back when she'll like, yeah. Oh, you're the one that smells like the cat urine. I get it. The beanie babies don't actually fix this, Mel. No, no, they just kind of trap it. They soak it in.
All right, let's do forbidden knowledge. This is, we found a section on Quora that's called forbidden knowledge, which we thought was really funny because anyone can read it and it's, you could post there. So these are, these aren't on forbidden knowledge. I don't think Alex. No, they're just, generally it's the topic of the unknown, the damned.
We received a tip off, Kyle, that maybe you are interested in the paranormal and the forbidden things. I like spooky stuff, yeah. All right, cool, because we're all about it.
This first question. Sometimes I read this one for too long and people right in are like, I don't care about ghosts. Stop talking about that. I was saying, but we had a guest who you could see visibly check out as Alex goes on and on about the fucking what's your key of Solomon. I don't know. Well, I'm checking in. This question is, how do I banish demons?
You break them in, could you take them out? What a wide brush you've painted.
Should I read this answer Alex? Is this a good answer? I believe so. Okay, because I haven't read this one. This is from Bert Mattala. Okay, yes, no, this is a learned man.
Bert says, you have to be born again Christian to banish a demon. Jesus gives born again Christians authority. Non-Christians will get attacked if they try ordering demons to be banished.
All right, well that's good to know. It's on a lanyard basis. You get danishes to be beamed. In the mid 1990s, I lived in an apartment across the street from a guy named Mitch.
After becoming friends, he told his ex-wife who was a Satanist, sent a demon after him. Mitch and his greyhound could see this demon, but I couldn't. Coincidence how many ex-wives are demoness by the way? They love those demons.
That's why it didn't work out. One evening, Mitch and I were standing on his porch when the rocking chair began rocking.
The dog was staying at the demon. I guess I should be staring at the demon, but it's a staying at the demon. I could conclude that this demon knew I couldn't see him and was trying to scare me. I commanded the demon to leave in the name of Jesus. The rocking chair stopped rocking as the demon looked out the front door and it told Mitch that I had a bright light coming from me and it knew I had to, it had to obey my command.
All Christians have this authority. Luke 10-19.
Evangelist, that's it. It's in the book. The chair stopped rocking when I yelled at it. This is 97 views. It needs a platform.
See, this is the thing is you get a little bit into this answer and you're like, I bet he doesn't have a story. How much do priests, they're like, okay, they beat men to the cloth, but they're still like, oh, no, they're fucking wacko with the demon. Even they're like, come on, man. It's not real. Like, I know I'm doing this whole thing, but no, you're Greyhound can't spot demons.
Yeah, whatever, there you go, banished. Oh yeah, you have a light coming from you, I'm sure.
Sure, Burt. Burt, Matola.
The best part, I think about this all the time. If you're a professional exorcist, like you work in the church, you get the call from Yahoo's, like you get the call from Burt and you're like, fucking Burt doesn't know he can't banish demons. Only I can banish demons, like a notary.
I gotta stamp the thing. I got the special stamp.
This guy also, he says you have to be a born again. He must just mean Christian, right? I like the idea that if you're born Christian, you're not allowed. You gotta respawn. I never knew what the lexicon was for if you're just Christian your whole life. Yeah, look, I'm a Jew, I don't know any of this stuff, but I always thought for it again was like, you choose to, like you have to do it again, right?
You have to go into the water. Yeah, it's people that like fucked up and that's their only way out. I feel like my ignorance is the only thing they can tell the judge. You went to Catholic school, Alex. They all go in the water, I know that. Water's part of it.
I did water, I did baby water. I didn't do adult water. You don't need to once they get the baby water in there.
No, but if you're an adult and you get born again, they gotta do it. You're just born. If you're a baby, you're just born once. Oh, that's for real. Well, if you're born, you're born with its original sin. Yeah. And that means you're so, that's the plan of God is well, there's a new baby, hell, immediate hell. Unless you also do this extra step that I've made up for you.
We haven't addressed this yet, this episode, but if you are listening to the podcast, we are recording in what looks like a Victorian ballroom style situation. There's a majestic painting above us. People are passing the halls, we're just, halls were just discussing the finer points of the Bible. Hear me out. Cheesecake Factory meets House of Blues. Those weren't the owners. I think that is. Sorry guys, I love it. We love it, we love what's happening. I don't remember what we're talking about.
Stevens. Who cares?
You gotta get this damn born again. How to summon your wife's demons.
I don't think there's anything, I don't think there's a single other answer on this question. There's a lot of adjacent questions.
Yeah, whatever. Whatever.
What else did demon guy ask? Oh yeah, let's go back to that guy.
I'm sorry, I don't wanna, this is serious. But I'm like, now I don't know anything about Kia ora. Okay, I can tell you.
How much doctrine should you use for the best brownies? Also, my wife's a demon.
We can tell you that he studied at Rio Hondo College and that he's a pianist at his Christian church. I feel like he got the answers at work. His most recent answer on September 11th, he answered, as a Christian with homosexual desires, how can I uphold a biblical view on male-to-male relationships?
And we're bad. My man is having a rough week.
Were both of the towers possessed or just one tainting the other? He asked about the demons before he answered. He answered the demons, and he answered this one as well. Oh, that's not his own question. No, we can see he has five questions. Let's see. Repressed homosexual preacher is pretty much the star of our show. It's interesting to see somebody that's got all the answers. What are they asking?
His most recent question is two years ago and it's how do I file a complaint against a Quora member? And then how can I see my answers? I pray there's no way to file these complaints.
Here we go, five years ago, his first question on the website, what is the most popular theory of why Adolf Hitler hated the Jews to the point of sending them to the death camps? And we're back again. No answer. Wow, wow.
At least once a week. We stop in at least once a week.
I was angry with how much Reddit was taking up my time and now you guys have brought a fresh hell upon my life. Reddit is a safe space. Stay there. Yeah. Reddit's somehow like cornier but not as dumb as this. Well, I think we could find some corners of it.
I click on it and it just says, Alex, want to answer this question? No, no, I don't. You sure?
He's always answering for me in the Hitler questions. I'd love to answer.
They didn't like his paintings.
I forgot to search the word Sasquatch. That was on my agenda this morning. Oh man, it's a reminder for yourself. It was going to do deep cuts. You look for cryptids. Yeah. You talk about skin walkers pretty often. That comes up a lot. I know you're not supposed to say the word. I know it invites them in.
We're underground in New York City.
I think it's okay. This question is- I don't know how you've done it. I think it's okay.
Don't read the comments, Alex.
I hear him getting out of a lift now. Who's that dog getting out of a lift?
That possessed dog with $45. A wolf with bleeding eyes.
I took the wrong train. I'm so confused every time. The F isn't running. I don't know. I thought I could use my phone, but it wasn't scanning, so I just morphed into a rat.
This question is, is it true that ghosts are more powerful at 3 a.m. in the morning? Now, I have never in all my years heard this assertion. Not once, Kyle. It was something about 3 a.m. I think it's because it's the spookiest time. Yeah. Because midnight's hack. It really is.
And it's the halfway point between midnight and when you gotta get up for work. It's almost morning. And for some people, early risers, you can have 4 or be morning. You gotta be at your shift at 6. You can wake up at 4. 4 sounds like a time to make the donuts kind of job. Yeah, absolutely. 2 a.m.
Bars are just closing. Hey, we're just gonna go get a little coke, do some bumps, maybe watch some TV.
I'll be 3 a.m. Supernatural shit. Be back at home in time for the ghosts to really start freaking out. That's when they know. You gotta get them after the bars close, but before they get up for work. 3 a.m. Solid bet. Scariest time for us. Yeah, and small towns, ghosts come out around 11 or 12.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, memories are already in bed. This says there's eight answers. Oh, wow. They must all be really good. One of them's locked behind Quora Plus. Of course.
Which we don't pay for. Wow. We refuse to.
That's on principle. What is the payment plan for? I think it's a monthly thing. Okay, we've looked into this before though, but it's like buy a community. You pay by community, I'm pretty sure. And that's like untenable. But does money go to Quora like a moderator for the community? I think it's a split.
I don't actually work at Quora.
I want to be upfront about that. I was going to say, you should be getting some kickback on this. Yeah, I have a good answer. I'm going to be going to it.
We can't read it. He says yes. So we don't know what it is. They love that time. But we don't know why.
All I can see is at night from 1 a.m. to 3.33 a.m. is the time of spirits and negative energies. According to science, any organs of human body also release negative energies from body at this time. Ghosts hate that there's not a 666.
Yeah. Stupid base 16 county system. All right, set 706. We're going to get them on the technicality. 706, everyone's awake, kind of just real and fresh. Yeah. Getting haunted.
This is an answer that specifically I think is in India because all of these answers are about like Hindi or Hindu. According to Hindu tradition, Brahma Maharaj starts at 4 a.m. in the morning. Always got to say that science. Yeah, you were going to say it. Yeah, Brahma had to be discussed Brahma Maharaj.
Because of the sun-densified oxygen layer will be near Earth's surface. When the sun rise, it moves up. That I do. Heads, if you're waking up at 4 a.m., you have a good chance of breathing pure oxygen, which activates your body and gives more energy throughout the day.
None of this is even totally true. That's going to activate the ghost. Ghosts are a gas. They go up.
I like confidently bad stuff. But throwing in like a few things that are like we all know is true. Well, I'm like, maybe.
The morning sun goes up. That's why you have pure oxygen at 4 a.m. I was high as shit at 4 a.m. I grew the sun part.
People aren't breathing as hard at 4 a.m. So they're not expelling as much the, you know, the other stuff. CO2. Yeah, so it's more oxygen for you to take in. Right. You can sniff your farts easier at that time.
If your plane's crashing at 4 a.m., the mast does not come down.
Anyway, let's read another one of these questions. This last forbidden knowledge question is, does anyone live on the sun? I was going to say no. No. I'm going to say no. I wonder if I could find the person who asked this question. Gotcha.
I live on the sun. Everyone says I don't exist just because I live on the sun.
This might be a troll. This person has asked 29 questions. This is like a troll who's not quite good at it yet. They're still kind of working out what makes people mad.
Yeah. He says, is it unhealthy to drink 1 million cups of coffee per day? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Okay.
On the sun, we have sun coffee.
It drives me mad to read someone trying to be funny. I want to just read people who are being funny.
Well, that's a shame. All right. Well, the answer is no. You cannot live on the sun. Nope. All right.
We figured it out. These are our police Quora. So a lot of Quora is just like police officers who are just like, oh, there we go. Oh, yeah. We've got our police sound effects.
If you're driving, you're knocking. This is not a police car if you're driving. This is just part of the show. Also, you can't see it, but it's like we're getting pulled over. The lights are going off.
I like this. This is the best episode we've ever recorded. We're in the cheesecake factory. Yeah. Ice tea is going to come in here. What we got here. Yeah.
We also booked them all. We did not want them the whole time.
I'm just saying it felt good. Hey, guys, it's me. I see. Most people on Quora are just like police officers who are like, the one time I got to shot a man was the best I've ever felt.
I'm working on my memoirs, but they are not ready. If I pretend I spilled some mustard on my body came and I didn't notice. I don't want to give them any ideas.
Um, this question is, if I live in a heavily armed compound in Montana, can I legally use DIY land mines on my property to stop invaders who breach the perimeter of my territory? This guy is already using them. It's to check in, though. I don't know. I feel like if you build a DIY land mine, you're killing yourself. Yeah. I think the odds of him taking himself out are pretty good. So I put one over there and then.
I'm so sick of these corporate land mines. Yeah, these aren't big box land mines. They're going to get at the store. I would immediately forget where my land mines are for sure. And I'm always saying this, but if you're a land mine guy, you also got to be a maps guy.
You really do. It's a whole. You got to be into that.
You got to be careful where those babies. You can't have a dog. And yet I feel like they all have dogs.
Yeah, they probably do. It's a companion ship. The land mines are 23. It should be cool. The system works.
This guy says in American case law, there's an example of a person who set up a gun, which would be triggered if someone tried to break into their home. There was a sign outside that warned of no trespassing. It also may have mentioned something about there being booby traps. In that case, the court ruled that these types of lethal traps and guns were illegal on policy grounds. This is called the saw rule.
There's always the risk of emergency personnel or police accidentally getting killed in case of an emergency situation. There's also the possibility of a kid or teenager making a lethal mistake.
All right, so you win. You win some, you lose some there. I'm so into the saw rule, just like a case getting to court and the judge being like, do we really want to live in saw? Is that what we're doing? Right around a tiny tricycle all day. Yeah, you have to set up a little TV if you're going to do it. You gotta be learning lessons. There's riddles before you open the door. That was the answer. Like, oh, there's you can't do it. I made up the solve rule.
Sorry. I don't know if Alex thinks that that's a real rule. That's in there. Here's a question. That's an actual story that somebody had like a suppose. I mean, according to this man, this guy, Alexander Finnegan, who was placed on the domestic terrorist watch list for disagreeing. So he knows.
Also self-taught violinist and lawyer. It says self-taught lawyer.
Oh, no. Well, this is not real. They were wrong to put you on that watch list. All right. Well, I guess that's not true.
One guy says, why not just build a wall? Shut up. We're not doing it for the walls. We're doing it for the land mine. No, it's trying to break into this man's house. I'm not going to blow up the immigrants if I got to walk. I see you working on a battle bot. Why don't you just make a car? Shut up. I'm not familiar with Montana law, but generally you can't use deadly force against trespassers or to protect property.
Is that true? We got to get a Montana law expert on for the show. I thought that was the stain your ground law. Yeah. I thought by rights, then abortion should be legal under a stain your ground law. Oh, that's a good point. That's a good point. Trespassing. Yeah. Or maybe the fetus should be able to kill you. It's taken down the right. It had to be said. Yeah. But that's like so many states that's there. Yeah. That does. That joke does, I guess, assume that the, there is a wife at conception, but you can kill it. Mm.
Listen, you invite somebody in your house after a while. They're threatening you. Now you want them out of your house.
I think that's a fair compromise. What happens under a stay in your ground law in that case? What is it? Legit legitimately. I'm curious legally.
Yeah. That would handle. Oh, suddenly it's not cool to kill people you don't like. Yeah. Oh, you know where this will get a lot of engagement when we posted is Quora.com. That's a good point. Yeah. And this one's locked in. We definitely won't forget. All right. Let's move on to the next police one.
Oh, this is a good question. I want to know the answer to this.
If I hire a hit man to kill me and he fails, will I go to jail? Oh, double indemnity. Is there anything worse than it when the hit man fails folks? You hire a hit man on yourself. I'm a coward by the way.
Would this be like an insurance thing? Yeah, I guess. I actually do know someone who did this. Uh, this is true.
Well, I went to like, I grew up adjacent to a very wealthy neighborhood and during like the Bernie Madoff shit, like people's fortunes were falling. And there was a guy who, uh, was killed and they found out that like he had like maybe hired the person who killed him and his kid, I swear to God within a month had like a Corvette. Like he got a ton of insurance money. Well, it's a well off neighborhood.
I don't want to say how much, but I will say we have hit man money. Well, there's good hit man money. There's bad hit man money. There's insurance hit man money.
There's, I got, I got a scope. I can, I can be, I can be a half mile away. Take you out with a silencer.
You'll never know. What are you going to drink that tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Go on, drink it. It's poison. It's going to be bad.
It is Duke. He just changes you with a hammer. Yeah. Pretty easy to get out of the store in the way.
Have you ever choked anybody before? This feels terrible.
Piano wire, not guitar string. This is going to keep breaking. Anyway, I think you should go to jail if you hire a hit man and he fails to kill you.
What law? Jeremy. That's the hit saw rule. God damn. These are rules.
They both go to jail. It's really embarrassing when you're in jail and you try to explain why you're there.
Yeah. Botched suicide. Yeah. Cause now there's like labor laws involved. Like if you don't pay him because he doesn't. Yeah, exactly. That's deaf to service. Yeah.
Just do it yourself. Legally. Fascinating question. I shouldn't endorse suicide on the podcast. But if you're going to do it, we do endorse pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. All right. You have a house where you got a gun set to go off, but then you walk in your own house. This is right.
If you just forgot, you did a stupid, you had landmines on your property. Which you probably did.
There have been previous cases where a person has hired a hit man to kill them and the killer fails. The contractor takes the killer to court. What? The contractor won the settlement of $25,000 because the contract was not completed. However, both were arrested and charged with premeditated attempted murder. It's illegal to contract to someone to kill someone even if the target is also the contractor for the killing. And of course, illegal to kill someone so the killer also gets arrested.
What a Nickelodeon movie ass ending that is. Yeah. $25,000 and everyone goes to jail. You do get the buddy though. Like you get to keep that. That's a lot of butter finger bars from the commissary in prison.
Someone says you'd be guilty of conspiracy, but not conspiracy to murder. The conspiracy has to be to kill another person for it to be conspiracy to murder.
These lawyers have a lot of time on their hands to be going through Quora this way. Going out for the bar, six times a charm. We've been hitting the books, but I've been on Quora really cracking cases.
I've read more about ghosts than ever before. I know about ghost law, legalities of spirits.
They never ask on the bar exam if you have to be born again to summon a demon or banish a demon. They won't let you take the bar exam at three in the morning.
It's really more real estate issues, it turns out. This guy says assisted suicide is illegal in Alabama. So they're like, well, I don't think that's the same thing as hiring a hit man to shoot you in the head. It's assisted by the hit man. But it is though. I guess it is. He's assisting you for money. That's how Kevorkian was, you know, pulling the plunk, pushing the plunger, flipping the switch. But he's not hitting the plunger though, right? But by what they're trying to get done. It's the same goal. It's assisted suicide.
Yes, that's fair. Everybody's working together on this. Yeah. All right, that's bulletproof. One's a pro level, one's a real amateur level. All right, let's do the parenting section. Ah, yes. This is parenting or parenting section. That's enough. How you famously have a witter of children. Oh, yeah. Cheaper by the dozen, he says. You know, some of them are going to die off in winter and we've got to keep the farm going. It's the best way to spread your seed. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And you've got to copyright that shit. Patented, yeah. Patented.
This question is, my 37-year-old son got married without my permission. Can I make his wife a living hell until he divorces?
It sounds like you're already doing it. It sounds like you're already there. Don't even worry about it. You are on track. Mom, I've been reading your Quora. Yeah, step one, go to Quora.com. Don't even think about it. Step one, start acting really irresponsibly on social media.
Yeah. I don't know, take his Atari away. Yeah, he is 37.
Some people say this is a troll. I saw somewhere that trolls get paid for asking controversial questions that get a lot of responses. Who is paying these people? How do I get on that payroll to ask bad questions on Quora?
Soros. Yeah, George Soros. It goes all the way to the top of Quora.
He's trying to disrupt. Just signing checks and peeling moths. I don't even know what these are for.
Yeah. The great Republican minds of Quora can't get together. I just write chaos in the two line. That's not how much you want. The disorder breeds results. Yeah.
Well, I think as a room, this is probably a troll and you get these a lot on Quora. Sadly, it's so sad. But these trolls. I think we can maybe talk through like, okay, you're an angry mother.
Your adult son is married. And you want to, I guess, epically prank him. Sure. You want to get his goat. How do you do it? I have a 37 year old son.
Yeah. I think I probably would post on social media. Probably pictures of him and be like, look at my bad boy. Yeah, sure. There he is. Yeah. I would debut my OnlyFans at the wedding. Oh, yeah. There you go. That's pretty good. Yeah. I would have a QR code for like the wedding registry. It's your mom's OnlyFans. Sure.
You can change it too. Like you set it up for something. And then like once it goes out, you switch the link. Yeah. You redirect it.
Bet you thought that was too not your mother's OnlyFans. We thought we were getting you an instant pot. We saw your mom's tits.
Not bad. I mean, I don't know if that's better or worse for you. I just want to say. All right. I should admit it was behind a paywall too. Yeah. Well, I was curious. I mean, is this really what you're doing? I chipped in 15 bucks. Yeah. I don't know if this is a compliment or an insult, but it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard. Yeah.
I thought the bride's family was supposed to pay for the wedding, but apparently it's hitting her pretty tired too. Everybody's chipping in. This better be an open bar at this point. I think the juiciest part of this is just taking this same question to Facebook would be a great way to get started.
Sure. Yeah. I think so.
My parents are on Facebook. Everyone's on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook.
Not anymore. Well, you're on there. I've left. You just don't use it.
That's true. They could still tag you and shit and other people could see it. That is true.
I do get tagged and stuff. Really? A little bit. I have like an account that somebody else runs for comedy stuff. Oh, that's a good move. I got rid of, uh, yeah, I don't interact. Smart. I gotta get one of those.
I said it's the one year I added a thousand people from Pakistan as a joke I hadn't met and they loved me and they messaged me all the time, but my wallet is full of Pakistanis. I've never met at any given time. One time I logged on to live and saw a family slaughter a goat. That is not a joke. I just can't moderate at all.
Yeah. It's why are they, where are they? What's the, I mean, I'm sure there's cooking videos, but that's a necessary part of it. Yeah. It's got like cheery music, you know, it's family content. This is what we're up to on a Sunday. Good for them. Uh, yeah, do that, uh, involve their neighborhood association. Sure. Like we're assuming they have a home. Yeah.
Got signs. Get a billboard. Sure. Billboards. Three billboards. They're ass. Sure. The three billboards are just like my son sucks.
What's this 37 year old had to ask for permission for up to this point? Yeah. That's a good question.
Um, I guess like, I wonder if they don't like his, uh, his fiance. Cause I'm wondering, like, this is like a super rich family that like, he's, you know, diluting the bloodline situation. There's money on the line. Something that gets you involved in a personal level. Father wouldn't have approved before he hired that hit man. He's a brunette.
Say no more. Can't be having that. That's going to ruin the line.
Now this is a core troll. They got paid the big bucks to put this here because the core users, they get distracted easily by these questions. They can't, uh, I don't know, congregate and wonder about black January six. Take over the country. Um, here, here's one. Jason Barth says, what is wrong with you?
Are you afraid that now he isn't on your tit? The milk will dry up. He's 37.
Shut the fuck up. It probably don't vote either because parents like you are why the younger generation are worthless and helpless. You leave my tit out of it. That guy closed his laptop right after that. Boom. Fuck off.
I'm starting to feel bad for this point. Someone's got no more milk. Flick a cigarette into the yard. I'll play along. This guy says I have a 900 year old daughter who got pregnant without my permission.
We asked for him. He's the mummy. He's a vampire.
I guess the answer is just that you got a cop down or do the only fancy thing. Everyone's just like, how dare you?
Beth says, wow, lady, you are truly a juvenile bitch. And Beth is a non theoretical sex ologist. You can see your boobs if you want. Let me guess how much milk is in your tit. Um, open polyamorous relationship with my 20 year old twins. Beth's profile is out of control. All right. Hi, I'm Beth.
I'm 51 years old bisexual with two adult kids who both live at home. They are a boy James and a girl April. They are 20 year old twins. We are nudists and are in an open polyamorous relationship together.
Beth is an equally real person to the one asking the son question. It's just falling apart now. I'm not going to go into it, but she does moderate a space called Beth's school of incest. Uh-huh, honey. I regretfully hit the book. I want this to be an informative space for those new to the lifestyle and old. Thanks, Beth.
Nobody polices this cure, huh? Nope.
Just us. Who is moderating Beth's sexy corner? Yeah. Who questions the questioners? That's us. Beth is a real scary place to be. Let's go back. That's a corner here. What time are we at right now?
We have been recording for one hour. We have one more question. Just one more. I nailed it this week. Just the right amount of questions. This is Cora Gone Wild, our animal segment.
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. We're a sound effect podcast. Scary.
I bet you thought a lion was in the room. That couldn't be farther from. In this fancy place.
Police lions. They're skinwalkers. They're back. Transformed into a lion that's a cop.
I don't know why. It's the last minute. That's a lot of decisions. Bring them all back. This question is, can war elephants distinguish between allies and enemies? Is there a final question?
Not funny. Maybe just more interesting. I want to know. I don't know if skinwalkers could be animals, but with outfits on. Sorry for that. No. That's a different question.
I know. I came up with lion cops. I wanted to have a fun outfit.
Didn't you get in trouble for this, Alex, for responding to a TikTok video of a dog putting on pants? Yeah, I did. And it got like two views for a year. And then randomly I stopped using TikTok. I checked back in.
It's like a 50,000 people yelling at me for not identifying a skinwalker properly. But I think they can put on little outfits. And I have a suspicion about Winnie the Pooh. Oh, he could be a skinwalker. Uh-huh. You explain it. Original emo skinwalker.
He talks to my son. I can't see him. You're not a Christian. I'll stay away from my son.
Oh, yeah, about these war elephants. The war elephants.
This is just something I've wondered my entire life. There's one answer. And it's a long one. This guy says very hard to say. Historically speaking, no. Okay, I'm going to shoot my shot here. And assume this is like the one extremely informed person on Quora.
Because you do get those something. Do elephants go to... Oh, they're saying like people...
I was thinking elephants warring with each other. But it's like a Hannibal situation. Hannibal or Lord of the Rings. Sure, those are the two. Was Legolas right to kill it?
Right in. It's crack.com.
Yeah, so I guess the question is like Hannibal's going over the mountains. He's got a bunch of elephants. And he's just like the elephants are just swinging. Yeah, they must just be going wild over there. I don't know how you like train an elephant.
Sure. You just put the mask on, and then you're like, you know what team you're on. Yeah, you just point it. Yeah, yeah, you point it.
It goes forward. Yeah, it's a driverless tank. It hits things with its trunk. If you're like around at that time, and you've never seen an elephant before, that's like a kaiju to you. Absolutely. You think it's Godzilla coming over the mountain. Also, what have you done to the elephant to get it to obey you, and you're going to give it a chance to be like, oh, fuck this. Yeah, you haven't negotiated with it. That elephant's going. It's a thing.
I feel like they used them once, and then the story got blown out of it. Sure. In reality, they're like, all right, no more with the elephants. That didn't work. That went sideways from the get go. Let's stick with swords. Yeah, it's just going to be us, all right. Anything is safe in a brainstorm, but we are not doing these again. You know, we whipped them just to obey us. They gave up right away. The one guy whose idea it was just like, I just thought it would be cool. There are several incidences where elephants have turned out to be more than a handful for the enemies.
Sure. I don't want to read this whole thing because it's a log and see history. No, read it all. All right.
The first battle of Panapat, it was the year 1526 when the army of Mongol, Prince Babur met. This is podcasting. It's open about this. Fierce battle took place over the battles on one of the more interesting developments in terms of usage. This is a history podcast. Yeah.
The use of cannons not only accounted for soldiers, but when elephants heard the sound of firing, they became terrified and ran out of control. I would feel so bad if I shot an elephant with a cannon. I would never forgive myself. Well, the elephants turned around and killed all their own soldiers. They trampled them.
As is their right. I just want to know if they really...
It's not the child armies you'd be unleashing upon. Oh, no. This guy was just looking for peanuts one day. So the answer is no. Elephants will just run around and kill everybody. Okay.
War is hell.
That's the theme every week. The guy enters it with, so I guess war elephants are like other weapons. Quote, they were just built for the kill without any real sense of who to kill. I'm always saying this about elephants. I don't know what that is. I'm always saying this.
They're just built for the kill. They're giant herbivores. The only reason they're on this earth. They do handshakes with their snouts. They're like, they're kaijus. They're katimos.
There is one more answer that just says no. Okay, yeah, no. There's somebody that's seen an elephant paint something with its trunk. This is woke culture gone too far. These things were built for killing. First George Bush, now elephants. This one's taking interest in the bongos over here. It's an elephant that that paints the Roman soldiers it killed.
That's how he handles his PTSD. You're going to act like we're just going to forget. We're going to forget the things you did.
All right. That's the show.
We got to ask a question. What was the question we wanted to ask?
Rob wrote it down.
It's not a portion. Yeah. Why doesn't stand your land? Oh my God. Stand your ground apply to abortions. Yeah. Shouldn't stand your ground qualified for abortions or something like that.
Let's do it. Clean that up. Type that up. That's the show. That's going to make everybody really mad.
I can't wait to check in next week. Kyle, thank you so much for coming on War Raiders. It's been a thrill Avenue. Where can our listeners find you at home and abroad? Oh, I'm usually just training my war elephants.
Oh, just Kyle Knane on all the stuff is my name. I managed to get it on all the things.
Just type his name in. You'll find me. You'll find him. He's searchable.
You're probably on YouTube right now. I love promoting.
There's nothing better. Well, that's it for us. We have bonus episodes every Thursday on Patreon, where we do things where like read Reddit. If you are sick of this. By our kind of into the concept. Yeah. And we're back on correct every week. So in the meantime, we're going to have to ask you to question everything.
Bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_TRAILER | Battuta Advocate presents the last video store It's a chat show about the films you love Hosted by me, Alexi Toliopulos, the ultimate video store clerk And that's a job I take very seriously And here I am, in the last video store itself Located in the outback town of Battuta And here it is, a hub of culture, memories And it's got every single frickin' movie ever made lining its infinite shelves On each episode, I'll talk with a guest about their most cherished cinematic selections In the style of an old-school, rental combo deal That means one new release, two weeklies And then a bespoke staff pick recommendation Customised by me, based on their taste I have a very certain set of skills to do exactly that And a very special form of empathy That will help me choose the one perfect movie for each guest that walks through those doors Upcoming guests on the show include Australian actor turned Hollywood hunk Luke Bracey Saul Fern, an Elvis choreographer Polly Bennett Renaissance man Tony Armstrong Adult video hall of famer Angela White Comedians Nina Oyama and Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna And we're kicking it all off with the wickedly talented one and only Cameron James My dearest friend and closest collaborator Join me on the last video store wherever you get your podcasts Or on YouTube to watch the exact same show And witness the majesty of the last video store in all its digital video glory With your very own eyes The last video store is a celebration of cinema, film and movies that you love And it's your first steps on the journey to meeting the films you cherish for the rest of your life I promise you that from my most sincerest part of my heart |
SaturdayNightLive | shrimp_tower_snl | Kenzke, Old boy, you've outdone yourself this time. Yes, this is truly quite the affair. Oh, gentlemen, you flatter me. the Arch-duchess will be here shortly. may I remind you that a marriage would not only increase your rank, but stabilize the family for years to come. yes, but I hear she's a difficult woman to impress. indeed, the Arch-duchess has seen many of the world's great splendors, but she has never seen anything like this. What is it, Kenzke?
I call it the shrimp Tower, a new invention of mine. I just thought of it last night. I do feel I've seen shrimp at a party before. stacked up like that in a tower as high as the heavens? I don't think so. And it's all shrimp? Indeed, from top to bottom, nothing but shrimp. shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp. as I like to call them, the Sinking Man's mozzarella sticks. I do say, Kenzke, you're quite mad for shrimp.
Though I can't help but notice, it does seem rather precariously pleased. Why, that's part of its delicate charm. Needless to say, if anything were to happen to my shrimp tower, I would obviously kill myself.
Wait. she's here. the Arch-duchess, Sophie Von Clostenboe. my God, she's beautiful. Count Kenzke, thank you for inviting me to your palace. I must say, it feels like home. and perhaps one day, it will be.
I think she shouldn't tell us working. I mean, I suppose so. Oh, look, he's going to dance with her. Kenzke! why did you do that? What?
I thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower. Good God, man, what were you thinking? Also, I'm insane. I'm the only one who thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower. show of hands. Who else thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower?
One person. Thank you. But, Kenzke, you killed the poor girl. Oh, God. perhaps I overreacted and see. here's the moment. What have I done? I'm okay.
I wasn't even trying to knock over the shrimp tower. Knock over the shrimp tower? Kenzke, you've done it again. Look, we all agreed that the night had to be special. And the thing that made the night special was the shrimp tower. Ergo, we must protect the shrimp tower at all costs.
Steuben, you are a professor of logic. Do you detect any error in my thinking? The man's logic is sound. Well, if Steuben says he's right. that is all I'm saying.
Now, could I have perhaps handled it better? sure. But I'm human. which is unfortunate, because I wish I were a shrimp. Good heavens, man. you've got shrimp on the brain. Kenzke, I have something I want to say. I've seen the way you passionately protect the things you love. And if you can love me as much as you love that shrimp tower, then I'd be the luckiest girl in Europe. Well, it looks like Kenzke has found a bride. And now let us celebrate by eating the shrimp. You eat it by the tail? how am I supposed to eat it? by the head? Kenzke, are you okay? yeah. you know, in a way I'm relieved. actually kind of liberating, you know? that's good. Yeah. mm-hmm. Well, I must say the night was a complete success. indeed.
Tekinski, The happiest man in the world. Tekinski! yes, but I hear she's a difficult woman to impress. indeed, the Arch-duchess has seen many of the world's great splendors. but she has never seen anything like this. What is it, Tekinski?
I call it the shrimp Tower. a new invention of mine. I just thought of it last night. I do feel I've seen shrimp at a party before. stacked up like that in a tower as high as the heavens. I don't think so. And it's all shrimp. Indeed, from top to bottom, nothing but shrimp. shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp. as I like to call them, the Sinking Man's mozzarella sticks. I do say, Kenzke, you're quite mad for shrimp. though I can't help but notice, it does seem rather precariously pleased. that's part of its delicate charm. Needless to say, if anything were to happen to my shrimp tower, I would obviously kill myself.
I must say, it feels like home. and perhaps one day, it will be. I think she shouldn't tell us working. I mean, I suppose so.
Oh, look, he's going to dance with her. Stop her!
Kenzke, why did you do that? What? I thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower. Good God, man. What were you thinking? Also, I'm insane. I'm the only one who thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower. show of hands. Who else thought she was going to knock over the shrimp tower?
One person. Thank you. But, Kenzke, you killed the poor girl. Oh, God. perhaps I overreacted in the heat of the moment. What have I done? I'm okay.
I wasn't even trying to knock over the shrimp tower. Knock over the shrimp tower? Kenzke, you've done it again. Look, we all agreed that the night had to be special. And the thing that made the night special was the shrimp tower. Ergo, we must protect the shrimp tower at all costs.
Steuben, you are a professor of logic. do you detect any error in my thinking? the man's logic is sound. Well, if Steuben says he's right. that is all I'm saying. Now, could I have perhaps handled it better? sure.
But I'm human, which is unfortunate because I wish I were a shrimp. Good heavens, man! you've got shrimp on the brain! Kenzke, I have something I want to say! I've seen the way you passionately protect the things you love. And if you can love me as much as you love that shrimp tower, well, then I'd be the luckiest girl in Europe.
Well, it looks like Kenzke has found a bribe. And now let us celebrate by eating the shrimp. you eat it by the tail? how am I supposed to eat it? by the head? Kenzke, are you okay? yeah. you know, in a way I'm relieved. actually kind of liberating, you know? that's good. Yeah. well, I must say, the night was a complete success. indeed. Kenzke, The Happiest Man in the world. Kenzke! |
cracked | irl_stories_that_became_it_s_always_sunny_in_philadelphia_plotlines | Not all the plot lines from these all-time great sitcom episodes are from real-life experiences, but many of them are, like Glenn in the Serial. After a minor fender bender in which the interior of his car was ruined on the way to work when his breakfast flew into the windshield, the gang knew they had an episode on their hands with the Serial Defense. Glenn Howerton continues to defend himself to this day. And more car trouble for Glenn Howerton, Dennis Takes a Mental Health Day, is about the actual crap that is Tesla Designs. Dennis' freakout over the over-design and impractical functionality of luxury electric car key bobs is taken exactly from Howerton's own experience with a burnt-out key battery and a parking garage where there was no cell reception or Wi-Fi so he couldn't unlock his vehicle. Here's hoping he rips Elon's heart out. And finally, the gang desperately tries to win an award. It's still applicable a decade later. Are the Emmy voters listening? The fact that it's always sunny still hasn't received so much as a nomination in the best comedy category after 16 seasons of brilliance is crazy. Frank, we never get nominated for awards, okay? We don't get it. |
cracked | why_peter_pan_is_propaganda_for_perverts_after_hours | So just the idea of you aging no no no anyone just that it exists at this inevitable reality Waiting for us the white cross the corner of your mouth your muscles turning into those deflated stretch arm strong So it's not like a real phobia, right right like are you are you horror scared? Are you just grossed out like if I took you to a senior center spin cloud shriek I would shriek like a baby. It's not so bad.
I assumed you'd hit one of them And touch their translucent skin never which is why Peter Pan is the best Disney movie incidentally Oh, yeah, all the good messages Never grow up mild to moderate racism towards Native Americans and fairies or jealous bitches and pedophilia is cool Pedophilia is cool Wilbur 2014 It's just a pedophile slash pic that society agreed to turn into a family classic anyway Go on You The Peter Pan guy do you guys know anything about him? I do he's Johnny Depp. No, that's just Hollywood's version You should take a look at the dudes Wikipedia reads like the beginning of hard candy. That's a movie. You don't read movies Shut up. You know nothing about me. He is not a whimsical Genderless pixie he's a perv and a mistranslated perv at that You know how in the movies you're like, oh to get to Neverland just saying a star on the right straight on till morning That's in the books.
That's like nautically. That's how they use stars for directions. They're like fly that way They didn't mean fly literally into space. See I know stuff about stuff She's not the pedophile thing. Wait, so in the book Neverland is a place on earth like an island and there were already Native Americans living there and then Flying European kids and pirates just come inhabit the island.
Hey, man. Can the tribes find peace? Nowhere. See there you go.
And this is the story that we keep remaking and shoving down our kids throat Okay, we get it. You want to talk about pedophilia. Can someone please change their brother was his mom's favorite But he died when they were ice skating and they were kids So Barry's mom made him dress up like his brother and act like he was him Barry said she loved his brother more because he remained forever a child All of this changes nothing about the fact that I am scared of old people and I would prefer not to slowly turn into one Like the shittiest animorph. That's why I like Peter Pan. You're not gonna scare me away from this one Did you know that the kids in Peter Pan are based on real kids that Barry knew this random family the Davies he met them In a park and this was meanwhile while he's married to a woman who said that he never once tried to have sex with Her in their entire life. That's not so weird is Victorian times. Probably no one was having sex They probably used a crankable turkey baster to transfer the materials. They're a place where they still do that that I can get to which star Anyway, these kids the Llewelyn Davies He wrote a bunch of stories about them not just Peter Pan and the first story that he wrote about them is called The little white bird and it's about him stripping the Llewelyn Davies baby naked and getting into a crib with him All right. Well, that's Weirder. I gotta say there is an amazing Inside Llewelyn Davis joke to make right here, but I'm too classy Eventually, he adopts the little LD's when their father dies and then invents Peter Pan and Neverland Neverland being a place where ripe little boys never grow up and Peter Pan being named after the kid word for penis plus a mythological goat-legged God of mischievous and sneaky sex Oh All right, okay, Jesus calm down Very convincing well argued.
I just like to point out how deep down inside everyone's a monster It's kind of my thing is he a pedophile though Do we know is that on record that was he ever caught has history decided? I feel like I shouldn't know that I usually I usually know what history is decided. No, not really No, I mean there wasn't like like a trial or anything Although it must have come up because the Davies kids felt the need to refute it The youngest one described him as an innocent and said there was no way he could have been a pedophile because he never Experienced a stirring in the undergrowth gross for anyone man woman or child see you just don't even say the child Part of that sentence when you say in the boner sentence you just skip child. Oh, it's the Michael Jackson defense You can't be a pedophile if you're just a harmless old asexual. Yeah, I had no idea was such a time-honored tradition MJ was citing precedent.
His whole trial was probably just a little white bird. Oh my I mean his name is home. Neverland. It's not like he was trying to hide it. Yeah Neverland and he's like Peter Pan.
Oh my god. I'm just getting that how dumb am I? Okay. Okay, we gotta do this, right? So how do we do this someone goes first and then we just take turns for me, please please please I have the perfect one Mine comes in the form of an insulting impression Come on guys. Shut up. This isn't about you Hello.
Thank you so much for watching after hours. We are the guys from that show. I am Daniel O'Brien I'm Soren Bowie and we would like to come to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas 2015 and do a live after-hours panel for you the people of Austin, but we need your help We need you to click on the link below this and vote for us to come to a panel there so that we can Do an after-hours live in front of you. Yeah, we're gonna tell you how the show is made We're going to read live a never-before-released episode of the show.
We'll do some signings. We'll do some singing It'll be great. Click that link. Give us a thumbs up and we will come town |
SaturdayNightLive | roberta_s_thanksgiving_snl | My, my, honey, you've really outdone yourself this year. Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am extremely thankful to be spending this Thanksgiving day with my wonderful family. Aw, thank you. and me. Oh, yes, and Roberta, too. we're so happy to have you, Roberta. you can take your coat off, if you like. it's from the Burlington Coat Factory. Ow.
So, Roberta, how do you, uh, know Dad? I work in accounts payable at your father's firm. I'm in charge of all the company's debts.
Yes, Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn't have any place to go. several times, actually. I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my Aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. it's, it's a large boat designed for those who enjoy nonstop activities, including shuffleboard and ski. But I exempted myself from the Aquatic Fund because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn't allow pets on board its vessels. Oh, you have pets. Mom, Mom, don't.
I have, I have eight cats. there's Langley, Dominic, Hiho, nut nut, Montel, Jesus. uh, Daddy, could you, um, could you pass some of the turkey, please? Othello, I'm the most finicky Gilligan. he'll only eat fancy feast. he's funny because he'll only eat fancy feast from the commercial. Well, this fancy feast is getting cold. So, uh, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here. would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing? Dad, did you not already say one? Yes, I did. Dear Jesus. we're Jewish. savior of the world. I'd like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and, and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I'd also like to thank thee in advance for the seven bags of leftovers I'll be able to take home to my cats. Okay, let's eat. Langley, Dominic, Hiho, nut nut, Montel, Jesus, not you. othello, and, uh, jesus, Jesus, you know Gilligan, he'll only eat fancy feast. Come in. All right. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I'd be most grateful. Holy hell, I wish I was dead! Yeah, just pass the potatoes.
Sarah, it's, it's such a shame that Richard couldn't join us tonight. Oh, yeah, you know, I forgot to tell you, he invited me to join him next week in Paris. Oh, that's so exciting! Are Sarah jetting off to Paris?
Have you ever been to Scranton? Don't count it out. the beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. I went. I stayed, I stayed at the airport.
Ramada. ooh, Ramada. it was funny because they hadn't washed the sheets. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how is that funny? you didn't let me complete the tale. Oh, wow. hey, sorry. apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head. I need a frickin'' drink! Grandpa Bud's right. |
TheOnion | Marianne_Williamson_Successfully_Primaries_Biden_In_All_63_Counties_Of_Astral_Plane | Author and politician Marianne Williamson has successfully primaried President Joe Biden in all 63 counties of the astral plane.
In a surprisingly dominant electoral showing that stretched across the unified field of consciousness, Williamson received nearly 99 percent of the moons and stars from an amorphous population of transcendent souls, crushing the low-vibrating competition and handily beating out Biden, Dean Phillips, and projected favorite, Zorbog the Blissful.
The victory suggests astral voters view Williamson as the only presidential candidate who will enact real change in the quantum gap between being and nothingness, and that Biden will need to send more focused, psychic energy into the ether if he hopes to appeal to atmospheric demographics.
While some supporters claim this win will reverberate beyond the infinite and legitimize her candidacy on alternate planes of existence, many experts still believe Williamson is pulling too far behind Trump among both spiritual essences and disembodied flesh in the bardo. |
TheOnion | Today_On_Morning_Sweat_Should_Tim_Tebow_Quit_Christianity | Alright, you're back in old Hank's warm, sweaty arms.
I want to talk about Tim Tebow today because, I gotta say, I think it's time for him to finally quit Christianity. We all know he was a great Christian when he was in high school and college. Looking back, most of us have never seen a Christian like that before, but now he's thirty and at this point, Tebow's got to accept that when it comes to being a Christian, he's just chasing a childhood fantasy. If Tebow were smart, he'd cash in by taking a high-paying gig talking about faith on the Christian broadcast network.
And again, he's still got all the heart in the world. I know plenty of people who think he'd make a good Jew. Personally, I think it'd be a better fit for him, assuming he'd be willing to learn all the rules.
Alright, let's go to break. When we come back, we'll talk about how the MLB can speed up Kyle Schwarber. Alright, I just gotta get this off my chest.
Why isn't J.J. Watt gushing blood from his face at all times? I love it when he's got that nice streak of blood running down his chin. It pumps his teammates up, it intimidates his opponents, but I just gotta have more. Nobody in the league bleeds better than this guy, but it shouldn't just be once in a while. If he's on the field, I want some blood gushing from his nose or spraying out of his mouth during a sack. I want that quarterback drenched in blood. And J.J., if you're listening, don't ever wash your jersey. Let that blood dry and accumulate and get all nice and brown for the whole season.
Alright, let's see what our callers think. Kyle from Galveston, you're on.
Hank, I want more blood from Watt just as much as you do. I don't care if the Texans have to slit his throat. I just want to see blood pouring from him every down, every game. We need it. Absolutely. Hell, I'd love to see him tear out his own heart and wring the blood over his head like a washcloth. Ha! Somebody better wipe me down, because damn, I'm getting sweaty. |
dropout | the_minute_maid_morning_musical | Good morning, Dale. Isn't this the perfect way to start your day? You look great, you feel great, and everything revolves around you. The sun is shining in the sky above. The grass beneath you is freshly cut. It's all because you're feeling great, so go ahead and enjoy the day.
Hey, Dale, is it a bell to yourself? Hey, Dale, up. Hi, Dale. Nice smile. Hello there, Dale, and hello there, Bo. I'm walking dogs as I'm sure you know. Hey, Dale, up here.
I fix your lights.
You don't know me, but my name is Mike. Hey, Mike, how's the family? You don't know them. Hey, we've never met, but we all agree.
You look as great as you can be. Hey, Dale. You're looking fine, yes, that is true. So fine, we made a bush out of you. Hey, it looks just like you, and you look like you're feeling great. Hey, there, Dale.
We're on our way to school. Just long we tell you, you're looking cool. Get moving, kids, or you'll be late.
Oh, hey, Dale. Looks like you're feeling great. Hey, Dale. Looks like you're feeling great. Hey, Dale. Looks like you're feeling great. Wow, Dale.
How much better could this day get? We hope we helped to make your day. We're happy as you came our way.
Oh, before I forget, here's your mail. And by the way, you look great, Dale. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_scene | Well, well what well, what were you Pat? I'm gonna hang out last night You're gonna come experience the scene the scene. Yeah the scene. I'm sorry streeter I'm just not into the scene the way you are figures. Okay, someone like you very narrow mind a little too buttoned down I'm not buttoned down All right. Listen, I just don't want to be a part of you don't want to be a part of what Pat You don't want to be a part some beautiful something something that involves millions of strangers coming together to create living art This scene is not living art and you wouldn't know would you you're too scared to experience with the last time we even hung out man Okay, when's the last time you and I went to Long John Silver?
Okay. Got a number four combo large ice tea I don't know Pat. All right. I don't know when the last time we hung out is but We went out tonight and just you and me as friends To street her Can't I'm afraid okay We can't all go and enjoy the scene like you were not built like you with your 36 size waist and your biceps like a gorilla Hold that against me man. Do it. I Don't even know you any you don't even know yourself Hey, enjoy the scene. Yeah, enjoy the rat race. All right. I will seen his life man Seen his life. Come on, sir. It's just not ready I |
cracked | how_internet_oversharing_could_save_the_future_today_s_topic | SON OF A BITCH! You alright? Some asshole tagged a picture of me doing a keg stand with my pants down in a church. If you were in the middle of a keg stand, your pants would be up, technically. Glad to see you're focusing on the important parts.
Need to get rid of this before my grandmother sees it. Untag it.
What happened to privacy, man? I can't even get drunk anymore without my ass ending up all over the internet. Stop mooning people with cameras. Everybody has cameras now, man. I'd have to stop mooning all the people. So, do that? It's the price of technology, man. More conveniences, less privacy.
It's always been that way. Back in the day, the first newspapers got more information into the masses quickly, but that also meant that some of that information was about your grandpa mooning people. Well, my grandpa still had plausible deniability. That was just his name in the paper. This is my photo, plastered all over the internet forever. Okay, see how you don't really care about your grandpa's name being in the paper?
That's pretty much what it'll be like for the next generation. Kids are very adaptive. They won't miss the privacy they never had. They'll go through life in the world thinking it's completely normal for any person to take any photo of any other person at any time.
Might even make them less shitty than we are. I'm not talking about next generation brats, man. I'm talking about us now.
Everybody has a camera in their pocket. The new Xbox has an online camera that is constantly watching you. Google Glass is going to make everybody a walking surveillance beacon. And as soon as those are inevitably hacked, privacy is gone forever. Big Brother is going to be watching us, staring at us, at all times. Yeah, and we'll be staring right back at them.
Look at it the other way, okay? A shitty cop beats up some innocent, and then the video is plastered all up in everyone's glass. Protests can't be ignored by other countries now. politicians can't sweep dick pics under the rug anymore. Sure, we may lose some of our personal privacy, but we gained so much in our ability to call out terrible people in power. Still, I just, I hate the idea of people knowing what I do in the privacy of my own church. Paintless keg stand, see?
You're telling me you'd be okay with someone knowing what you ate for lunch every day this week, and what Matthew McConaughey movies you've rented twice. Look at the big picture, though, alright? Right now, everyone is just logging every single thing about them, every event in their lives, no matter how meaningless, like, had toast. But now, that is archived online forever. Which is horrible. Which is incredibly useful, alright? We're building a huge database of crowdsource information, so eventually scientists can pour over the data and notice trends in communities and cities and maybe pinpoint causes of civil unrest or disease. So if I ate a sandwich at a sub-shop and got explosive diarrhea from that, you'd want me to tweet it. Yes. You.
Okay, so a scientist is looking at this huge database of all information, and they notice that there's a large percentage of cancer survivors, and they all ate blueberries on a Tuesday. And those blueberries came from Kansas, and they were sprayed with a certain pesticide, and there's a certain enzyme in the soil, and all of those factors lead to beating cancer.
Privacy goes down, but data and solutions go way, way up. Yeah, but, I mean, you've got to admit, with all this NSA spying shit, it's starting to feel more and more like a dystopian sci-fi flick, right? Yeah, and because of the internet, you know about it. It's always going to be a balancing act. All right, people will always want to spy on other people as long as they're afraid. The important thing is to look at the positive side of it and try to dissolve that fear in order to use technology to better ourselves or whatever.
That is a surprisingly hopeful and inspiring message, man. Thanks. I'm going to grab a drink from the lounge. You want anything? No, no, I'm good.
NSA, it's Cody. He's on to us. The potato has eyes. We have to take him out now.
Welcome to Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
What is force class? Use the force. By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way, we look, we are, protect, Jedi, good, yes. That was nothing. Jedi Code?
No. Not the... |
ClickHole | watch_what_happens_when_we_drop_wallets_in_front_of_homeless_people | Hey guys, Jesse and Matt here again doing what we do best, helping the homeless. Now most people think that all homeless people are depraved thieves who steal money to buy drugs or worse. While that's true, sometimes there are some that are good too. We're here to show you that some homeless people are just as honest as people who have homes. You might have seen some YouTube videos where people drop their wallets in front of homeless people to test their morality.
We love these videos. Keep them coming guys.
But Matt and I, we really love the homeless, so we're going to take it to the next level. Let's go. Okay, so we got a homeless guy right over there. We're going to test out to see if he's a good man or if he deserves to be homeless. Very inspiring. Let's do this.
A special stroll. Yeah, what a nice day.
He just dropped the whole bill bill full of wallets. You did it! What is this? I wanted to see if you're getting back my wallets. And you did, man. You're perfect. I'm so inspired right now. If you didn't think the homeless were capable of this, think again. As a reward for your honesty, you can keep all these wallets. You deserve it. Hey, have a good one, man. Enjoy your day. I love these wallets.
If you like this homeless video, then your love of PrankVid. So like and subscribe. Or get pranked. |
CrackerMilk | when_she_s_in_it_for_the_life_insurance | Hey babe. Hey, how did it go? Good, yeah, I got all my life insurance sorted out which is nice.
Amazing! Yeah, nice sweet 20k payout. 20k?
What? Why do you have a gun? I didn't know they had insurance policies that low. Are you joking? I understand the payout's a little lower, that's fair. I can always go and chat to them again but can you please answer why you have a gun? Like were you not thinking of me at all when you did this? Did somebody say life insurance?
Don't bother, it's 20k. 20 grand?
That's nothing! What the fuck?
You really need to think about things, you need to think them through. I've been waiting so goddamn long to do this.
It's only 20k! Only 20k?
Fuck! See how you've made all of us feel? What is happening? You've always been a disappointment to me.
Life insurance was only 20k! What life insurance?
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Cracamole podcast is on a separate other channel called the Cracamole podcast so you can go and check that out.
Are you drunk? No dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint?
Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? Kay? What?
Why do you have a gun? I didn't know they had insurance policies that low. Are you joking? I understand the payout's a little lower, that's fair. I can always go and chat to them again but can you please answer why you have a gun? Like were you not thinking of me at all when you did this? Did somebody say life insurance?
Don't bother, it's 20k. 20 grand?
That's nothing. What the fuck?
You really need to think about things. You need to think them through. I've been waiting so goddamn long to do this.
It's only 20k. Only 20k?
Fuck! See how you've made all of us feel? What is happening? You've always been a disappointment to me.
Life insurance was only 20k! What life insurance?
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Crock-A-Mole podcast is on a separate other channel called the Crock-A-Mole podcast so you can go and check that out.
Are you drunk? No dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
TheOnion | escort_reveals_affair_with_that_actor_from_that_thing_season_1_ep_4_on_ifc | This is the Onion News Network controlling what you see and when you see it Right now let's go to Los Angeles where a female escort contacted major media outlets claiming actor Ben Affleck Paid her for sex dozens of times over the past year that escort Jasmine James joins us now in an Onion News Network exclusive interview Hi, hi Jasmine. Tell us why are you coming forward with this information about Ben Affleck now? Well last week I saw him on TV with his wife Jennifer Garner, oh yeah, wait no Ben Affleck just the one that's married to Jennifer Garner.
Yes. Oh, no No, that's not him. Then the guy I was talking about I Thought he would God. I totally thought his name was Ben Affleck. Okay, wait, so wait you didn't sleep with Ben Affleck No, he looks sort of like him. Oh What is his name? Okay, but you did engage in sexual acts with some Hollywood a-list actor in exchange for money, correct?
Oh, yeah, lots of times Oh You know, he's like got brown hair and he's like really cute. He's like late 30s 40s He always sort of kind of plays the handsome guy.
Was that Matt Damon? No, not Matt Damon.
Uh, yeah, what is his name? Okay viewers, if you think you know whom Jasmine might have slept with posted on Twitter It will display it here on screen. Oh You know what?
He was in he was in a movie like about time travel Okay, we're getting some suggestions here Terminator primer Is it John Cusack? No, this guy's more of a guy's guy, you know, he's like Longer hair and he's like really into anal. Okay. Was it Ethan Hawke?
No Orlando Bloom who is he again? Orlando Bloom the guy from Lord of the Rings the elf.
No. No, this guy was like more built I remember cuz he kept wanting to choke me and I kept Tom to ease up a bit, you know Yeah, what is his name be be?
Be yeah, was that the first of the last name Jasmine last Okay Gerard Butler Pierce Brosnan. I mean I said Orlando Bloom right? I'm covering all the bees here Jasmine Eric Bana Eric Bana, I knew I would remember it.
Okay. So Eric Bana is the one who had sex with. Yes. Okay, Eric Bana loves whores Okay Wait, no, that's not right. All right, miss James.
We're done here Congratulations for five years of fact zone as a little gift for your achievement We donated five thousand dollars to the charity to end childhood obesity in your name. We know how much you hate fat children |
dropout | hardly_working_too_many_seinfelds | Well, I thought the date went great. We were laughing, we shook hands goodnight.
Tom? Of course.
But now she's not returning my calls. Well, what do you think you did wrong? You know, I don't know, but I don't like to obsess over my new details. Oh, yeah, me neither.
You know, we had a great dinner. I should just let it be. Dinner? You did a dinner date? Yes, I did the dinner date. Can we please not talk about this again? Well, you're thinking you never do the dinner date first date. What is the difference? You did the dinner date! What is so bad about that? The dinner date's the do or die date. You never do the do or die dinner date first date. You do the daytime date, then you do the do or die dinner date.
Calm down, Pat. Geez, you guys always do this. Guys, can't you keep it down, please? David's voice is annoying everyone. Sorry, Streeter.
What's going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
He did the dinner date! What is wrong with you, David? You never do the dinner date! That's the do or die date! I know! You do the daytime date, then you do the do or die dinner date! It's so like you guys to overreact. We all had a great dinner. Oh! Yes, she invited her friend and her friend's boyfriend. Oh, why do you think that's what's wrong with you? What did I do this time?
He did the double date! It's the double date! Where's the dinner date? You got your do or die date, then you got your friend's do or die date. Well, that's a dangerous date. I wouldn't even go on a daytime double date, but a dinner date? That's a dangerous do or die double date?
Where did you come from? He comes from a place where you wouldn't do a do or die dinner date. That's a dangerous double date. Where did you come from?
Thank you!
Guys, I think this is her. Hello? David, hi, it's me. Hey, it's so good to hear from you.
I had a great time the other night. How about dinner tonight? I can invite my roommate and her boyfriend. Yeah, that sounds great.
What time should I pick you up? You don't have to pick me up because you failed this test. You never do the double date to an identical date!
What's the matter with you? What are you doing?
What's the deal? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Julie_Bishop_From_The_Archive | Well, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show. We hope you're enjoying 2020. It's been the first couple calendar weeks of the year. A lot of you will be back at work by now. And a lot's been going on in the news cycle. Of course, we've had the cricket wrapping up. And one day has started in India.
And of course, the bushfires. And now, the torrential rain on the east coast. But it's been a tumultuous time politically. And it seems, Errol, our Prime Minister may have lost the confidence of the nation in the last couple months.
Well, that doesn't matter at all because the next election's coming up in a couple years. So, you know, in a couple months, no one's going to remember these bushfires. No one's really going to care.
They're just going to care more about the end of the financial year. What's in store with the second budget. And I guess we'll just go from there.
Yes, the mainstream media definitely missed the mark there in the election. It was pitched as a climate election. No one really voted on those issues at all.
As we learnt through the landslide to Morrison. But, you know, it is interesting that he is polling so poorly so recently after winning an election like that. And that is because he tends to struggle in a crisis, we've learnt. Christchurch and now, of course, the bushfires. He's more of a tough-gets-going kind of guy.
No, he's certainly not a crisis Prime Minister. He's certainly not a wartime Prime Minister. He's just a Prime Minister who routinely goes on national television and makes it kind of himself.
Which we haven't really had for quite some time. Not since Kevin, I would say. Well, Kevin, you know, his heart was in the right place.
He might have been a bit too clever to be the Prime Minister, as we saw with Malcolm. There has to be a happy medium. And I think that Scott is a bit on the lower end of that spectrum. I think he might be a bit too dumb to be the Prime Minister. I think you need to be on, like, a Howard level. Or a Beazley level. Yeah, you need to be a quiet, quiet achiever.
But, you know, it's interesting, we've spoken about this before. If any of you had made it to one of our book launches, we were asked this question a lot.
How did we end up with Prime Minister Scotty from marketing? The answer, I guess you could say, is when you're looking at a Lib spill like the one we saw in August 2018, there were two options in the first spill. Either Turnbull, the Queen's English-speaking aristocrat from the eastern suburbs, or you had the human rights-violating highway cop from North Brisbane. That was the first spill. Turnbull survived that one, and the second spill arose, and then this time there were a couple more candidates. There was, of course, Dutton again, who forgot how to count briefly. There was Scott Morrison, who ended up bringing home the silverware, who was a, you know, happy medium. I guess in between those two options we had between Turnbull and Dutton, we ended up with a husky evangelical from Cronulla Shire. But there was another candidate as well that put the hat in the ring, and that was Julie Bishop MP. Yeah, and I think, harking back to what I was saying before, you've got to find a Prime Minister that is in the middle ground.
You can't have one that's too clever, and you can't have one that's too dumb. And I think that Julie Bishop was too clever to be the Prime Minister. And I think that Peter Dutton, obviously, because he couldn't count, was too fucking dumb to be the Prime Minister.
And now we're stuck with this guy. Marketing professional. Now, Julie has since found work. She actually was a part of the Liberal Party brain drain before that election. She resigned alongside Laundy and Pine, and she's since started working with a financing group, Greensmill, and, you know, is kind of enjoying semi-retirement now. But while she was still in the seat down there in, I'm not sure what it is, it's a curtain, WA?
Yeah, nice part of Perth. Nice part of Perth.
She was still in a position. We actually met up with her shortly after the libspill.
At the Cottesloe Surf Life Saving Club, I think it's called. Beautiful part of the club. Beautiful beach. We can see what Powderfinger was singing about, you know, with the sunsets over the beaches. It was a nice part of the world.
This was actually in the wake of the libspill. She'd missed the gong, but she was still, you know, doing her job, and, as we learnt, was a bit of an icon in that area. Now, this is a bit of a throwback Christmas time archive podcast for you, and this is myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker sitting down with Julie Bishop, former MP for Curtin and former Foreign Minister. Well, here we are halfway through the Batutah Advocate Roadshow. We're currently sitting in Cottesloe Beach in the lovely, lovely coastal areas of Perth, and we're sitting with the local hero and local member, Julie Bishop. Thanks for joining us.
Welcome to my beautiful electorate, and look at that beach out there and the perfect weather. You're in heaven. It's amazing. There's no waves. That's because of that island. Yeah, that's because of Rottnest. Yeah. Yeah, no, you can surf out there. As you can see, plenty of people on their paddle boards and a bit of body surfing, but it's a perfect day, perfect day.
Yeah, it doesn't really compare to Lake Burley Griffith, does it? It's a little different from Lake Burley Griffin in middle winter.
You're right, yeah. Now, we notice you've got one watch on. You only keep one watch on because you're kind of dealing with Canberra time a lot as well.
We did the flight from the east coast, and it's not something we really like doing that often, and you do that... Often. Often, yeah.
The three-hour time difference is a real killer, and I wish we had daylight saving here in Western Australia, but as you know, it fades the curtains and upsets the cows that are being milked, exactly, so you can't do it. But the three-hour time difference does make it challenging because just as you're getting up, everybody's halfway through the morning, and just as you're getting into the day, everybody's going home. But the flight time can vary between three and a half, four, five hours, depending upon the headwinds, tailwinds, and it takes a hell of a lot of time out of your day.
But when I was foreign minister, I was doing a lot of travelling overseas, so the Perth to Canberra flight seemed like a walk in the park. Yeah. Have you missed anything important on that flight in your career? Have I missed anything? As in, I've been on a plane when something exciting happened. Yeah, when everyone gets to be in Canberra, and you get off the plane and something's happened. Maybe they've changed Prime Minister since you've been flying.
Sometimes it's a good place to be. Yeah. Oh, sorry, I would have got back to you, but I was on a plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it can be a two-edged sword.
Do they let you use your mobile phone on the comm planes? No. The new flights overseas have Wi-Fi, and then suddenly you're lying there and a message comes up, you think, damn, they found me. But we still don't use mobile phones on planes across the country.
Yeah. Now, you've recently returned to the backbench. Yes. For the first time in how many years?
Sixteen.
So that was back when Howard, that was... I became a minister in 2003, and since 2003, I was either a minister or shadow minister or cabinet minister. And how does that make you feel, heading back to the backbench, to see kind of how busy a lot of parliament is? Like, you've got a lot less on your plate now. Well, I'm busy in a different kind of way. Yeah. I've redoubled my efforts in my electorate because I'm here more often, and people are aware of that, so they're making appointments and coming up with events and inviting me to plenty of things. So I'm really busy. I've also had a lot of invitations to do things overseas as a former foreign minister, and I think that's great. It shows the regard... Yeah. ...with which Australia is held in the eyes of the international community. And so I've been busy, but a different kind of busy. It's good, and I'm comfortable with the decisions that I had to make. Yeah.
So how different is it to wake up each morning and have a dossier on your desk from the head of the spy agencies to the Ag Minister to having to hop up now and just going for a surf? I couldn't possibly comment on the intelligence briefings that I received every morning, but I can tell you it's great being able to go for a run and be down here at Cottesloe in the mornings. As I said, it's a different kind of pressure, obviously a cabinet minister and the foreign minister has to be on top of so many issues, and of course I'm still interested, but not to the same extent.
I don't have to answer the media... Oh, what am I doing today? I don't have to answer the media every moment.
There's been a coup culture in Australia over the last 15 years and to the point, as I mentioned, where Fiji is looking a lot more stable compared to us, where they've had two prime ministers democratically elected over the last decade, and we've had three democratically elected and seven prime ministers altogether. What do you think it is? Do you think it is the 24-hour news cycle kind of spooking a lot of maybe technologically illiterate old men? Well, that's one way of looking at it.
I think that after the stability and certainty of the Howard years, he was prime minister for 11 years, there was quite a shock when Kevin Rudd, who was virtually unknown before 2006, became the Labor leader and then won such a significant victory in the 2007 election. And Kevin had stratospheric popularity according to the polls, but his own side did never really like him or really trust him. And when Julia Gillard took on his job, when essentially the first coup, if you like, it lowered the bar for the reasons that you could move against a leader, and they could never articulate what it was that Kevin had done. They just didn't like him. And that became a good enough reason to remove a prime minister or a leader, and we've seen it successively on the Labor side and on our side. And now, if you lose the support of the party room, then you can be removed as leader, and nobody ever actually articulates what it was that they did or didn't do that caused that to come about.
Well, we spoke to Kevin a couple of weeks ago for the launch of his book. Well, Kevin's over it. He's completely over it. He is. The events of 2010. Yeah, we asked him too. And he said he's totally fine with it. You know, it's all just water under the bridge for Kevin. He's completely cool about it, I can assure you.
I saw in that Mamma Mia movie when Cher says, grudge holding makes you fat. Oh, Jesus Christ. So Kevin's obviously taken that to heart and not a grudge in sight. No, well, he told us, he said, the lasting impact that he's had on the Labor Party in his eyes is that they're no longer able to depose their leaders. It's a fascinating legacy when you think that Kevin has cemented Bill Shorten's fortunes. Yeah.
What an irony. It is irony, isn't it?
Yeah, well, essentially, Kevin was the 2002 Olympic ice skating coach. Could you see the Liberals doing anything like that in the future to perhaps consolidating the future of, say, Craig Laundy? Yeah, or maybe Julie Bishop from May next year.
You get to be the leader for 10 years. I cannot envisage a circumstance where the Liberal Party would change the arrangement whereby the party room chooses the leader of the party and the party room chooses the deputy leader. We have two elections, they're separate. We have an election for the leader and we have an election for the deputy leader. And I think the party would jealously guard that right to elect the leader.
Yeah. Whether the lay party, the membership of the Liberal Party, has a different view is another matter, but the actual party room, the elected members and senators, would guard very jealously their right to elect their leader. There's a lot of people saying, had the events of August this year not happened, the Liberals probably wouldn't have needed to worry about the upcoming election. In fact, the Liberals probably could have won. I'm not saying they won't now, but I'm just saying... Neither am I, and I was very confident that we would win under Malcolm Turnbull and I'm equally hopeful that we'll win under Scott Morrison because the policies of the party are what counts. And while the popularity of the leader obviously plays into it, the policies and the deliverables and what you can do to make a difference in the lives of the Australian people is actually what counts. Bart, do you think there might have been a few people on the backbench that didn't want to see Malcolm Turnbull win? Oh, that's far too Machiavellian even for the Liberal Party.
So we've also heard recently that there's a 5% chance that the Australian Embassy in Israel will be moved. Is that accurate or is that... I understand that that's something that Steve Chobo has reported to have said to the Indonesian officials. I don't know whether that's true or not, but that's a decision for the new Cabinet and the new leadership team.
Do you find you've got plenty of good contacts when you want to go on a holiday anywhere else in the world? What, ringing up all my former foreign minister mates? Hi Boris, I'm here. You still got your number, you still got theirs. Yeah, I've still got a lot of contacts. I was in Dubai last weekend. I'd been invited to chair a meeting of the World Economic Forum Councils in Dubai in the lead up to Davos. And I caught up with a lot of people that I'd met on the global stage in the past, former foreign ministers, current foreign ministers, and it was good to keep those contacts alive and talk to people about current issues. There are plenty of global challenges and I'm deeply interested in foreign affairs still, of course, and Australia's place in the world. So those kind of connections continue. And I used to get the mobile phone numbers of my counterpart so that we could text each other and, you know, save the department the hassle of doing cables and deal directly with the foreign ministers. And so I keep in touch with a number of them.
In your role as foreign minister, did you ever get to the point where you felt like just a mother of, you know, a thousand Australian teenagers where you were just like, what has this idiot found himself into now, banged up abroad? There was a constant stream of consular cases and you had to be alert to issues that could blow up overseas at any time and people can get into trouble for all sorts of reasons. So we had a really focused campaign to try and inform Australian travellers of what to expect when they go overseas. When you leave Australia, you leave the Australian jurisdiction, you leave the Australian legal system and you are subject to the legal system of the other country. And maybe you should leave last weekend's jeans at home as well. And I've spent a lot of time explaining to people that there's only so much the Australian government can do to extract you from situation ABC in another country. And I would say to people, just imagine if this were to happen to a visitor in Australia. You can't just ring the judge and say, can you just let them off and ring the police and say, can you drop these charges? It doesn't work that way and it doesn't work that way in other countries. Yeah, because you're often here though. I remember hearing a lot of the details with the Bali 9. They were just asking, how come you just can't get the SAS to go into Bali in the dead of night and go and get them and then come back here?
I think that's called a military invasion. That does have consequences. You're sending your military in to rescue people who are in the legal system of another country. Leave that to 60 minutes. That does raise some tricky questions indeed. Talk about a sleepless night, imagine if we did that.
The Bali 9 of course was an issue that has taken a great deal of diplomatic and consular effort and continues to this day. Obviously we weren't successful in our pleas and advocacy over Chan and Sukhumaran, but Renee Lawrence is on the way home. It really is challenging and difficult, but it's beyond belief that people still go overseas with a view to trafficking drugs in or out of Australia.
Is it true that there's a framed picture of you in Mercedes and Chappelle's living room back on the Gold Coast? I would expect so, isn't there one in everyone's living room? Well, there is in this part of the world. Well, they would be here in downtown Cottesloe.
I hand them out for free. So, is it expensive, can we just ask that, when we rotate ministries and cabinets, is that expensive for the Australian taxpayer? Well, of course, any change in minister means that there are expenses attached to it. Business cards. Well, surely we do it all online now, don't we? A tea towel in the Parliament House gift shop too. True, true. Changing photographs. I read that they weren't going to reprint the tea towels with all the Prime Minister's names on them until after the next election, so they wouldn't have to double it up and be like, well, we just have to put Scott on, and then if he wins, then we'll do the tea towels. You see, I haven't given much thought to the Parliament House gift shop and the tea towel supply, but I'm now thinking about adding that to the cost of doing business in this Parliament. Yeah, the cost of tea towels.
There's another one, actually, Julie, the concussion test for the NRL. They've had to take out who's the current Prime Minister for these young fellas, because they wouldn't be able to say anyway. That's a tricky question at the best of times. I've watched a few of those shows when they've asked who's the Prime Minister of Australia, and you've got something between Bill Clinton, Shane Warne, whatever.
Can you tell us a little bit about your electorate, what's going on here? What are the concerns of the people? This is a magnificent electorate.
The western boundary is the Indian Ocean, the southern boundary is the Swan River, eastern boundary is the CBD, and the northern boundary is up towards Scarborough, Karenup. So it's the western suburbs of Perth, and it's a mainly residential suburban electorate, but it has a number of small businesses and a number of the major health institutions. So Charles Gardner Hospital's here, the New Perth Children's Hospital, and the University of Western Australia. So a lot of institutions here.
Some very high-income people here, also some low-income people. So it's a mixed socioeconomic electorate. It's been in liberal hands since it was formed in 1949, apart from two years when it was held by a liberal independent. And it's a very strong liberal area in terms of the support that we have received over the years.
And it's a magnificent place. We've got Kings Park, Bold Park, all these areas in it. So as you can see, it's a beautiful part of the world.
And, say, if you were to just all of a sudden resign from the Liberal Party, and maybe the Liberals lost this seat to an independent, would that be a red flag for the government? Well, I haven't given the Liberal Party the problem of a by-election in the seat of Curtin.
So we're just talking hypotheticals, right? Yeah, we've been doing a lot of them, actually, between our interview with Kevin Rudd and Richard Di Natale. One hypothetical is... I don't get the connection. Kevin Rudd, Richard Di Natale, and then me. How does that work? Oh, we've cast a wide net, I guess. Kevin and I are mates. Yeah, I get on fine with Richard. Yeah, there you go. There's a lot of hypotheticals when you're talking to the Greens as well. Mm, indeed. So those existential-type questions, yeah. In 40 years or so, if you guys managed to get enough support, what would you do as Prime Minister, Mr. Di Natale?
Well, the first time we interviewed the Prime Minister, it was the same day as the state election here in WA where he was asked not to attend. I love those state elections where they don't want to know the feds and then the next time around they want the feds all over it.
You just can never keep them happy, can you? No. I don't think Anastasia would want Bill Shorten in Queensland on the campaign trail. There's a few different conflicting things going on with Adani and all that kind of stuff. Just a couple, yeah. So some of these state elections are very difficult and, of course, after the event, the justification after the event is always fascinating. Well, it was all the federal government's fault or it had nothing to do with the federal government. So we just can't win either way.
I suppose now, because it's got to be quite popular here now because he's just handed back a whole bunch of GST. Indeed, the GST legislation going through the federal parliament was very well received here in Western Australia I don't want you to ever underestimate the anger that was felt in this state that we were down to 30 cents in the dollar of the GST. Clearly, the system was never meant to operate that way, that one state could be so disadvantaged. And so putting a floor in it of 70 cents certainly makes sense so that no state will suffer the fate that we did but also the extra $4.7 billion, thanks very much, which will go into important infrastructure in this state. It's a massive state, it drives the global economy.
The mining sector is picking up again. We've been through the lull of the post-construction phase in the mining sector, but you can just tell there's an excitement in the mining and resource sector again. But different metals and different minerals, lithium. You would have heard all about the lithium valley since you've been here.
So we want to talk about a controversial topic now, secession. Whoa! Have you ever had to sit down...
You've been controversial about that in Western Australia. Not in Queensland either. How close was Australia to losing the West?
Could we have had a President Colin Barnett and a Vice President Troy Buswell? Or you could have had it the other way around. Yeah, which would have been even sweeter.
A little bit on the nose. Well, Western Australia wasn't in the original federation back in 1901. Well, they all spoke Dutch here back then. Or French. And then there was that vote on the secessionist movement. And it's just below the surface here. Every now and again you'll hear Western Australians say, we can go it alone.
But we're so integrated now, the economy is so integrated nationally. And let's face it, economies are integrated globally. We're part of the global economy, the national economy, the local economy. It's all too interlinked now.
So you don't think they'd get a wagsit over the line? Gee, it's tempting, isn't it? Just to use the word. Yeah, wagsit sounds pretty good. Yeah, just shout that from the rooftops.
Well, there's been talk of a North Quexit, so we don't know. We don't know.
It's a real thing. The catters are very onto it. George Christensen. Do they want to do Northern Australia?
Capricorn line. Across the Capricorn line.
But Toota would actually probably be part of the southerners in that circumstance. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I think there's only two or three tar roads going into WA from the east. There's one on the Nullarbor and there's two up in the Kimberley. We don't make it easy for you. We don't want hordes of eastern staters coming over here. You can visit, but you've got to go back again. Beautiful one day, not Sunshine Coast the next, not Gold Coast the next.
Oh, this is perfection. Have you been up to the Kimberley yet? Yes, I have. That's pretty stunning. And Broome and those areas are out of this world. So, here we are.
Well, speaking of that idea of secession and us against the world, this looks like a very nice part of the world, a very nice part of Perth. Beautiful part of Perth.
How do you deal with the NIMBYs? Because I'm sure you have a few in your electorate. Well, Cottesloe is a good example. This is not an overdeveloped beachfront, can I put it that way. And often when there are proposals to develop along Cottesloe Beach, there's considerable resistance because people like it to be unspoiled. It's the same as the Perth foreshore, and there are some developments on the Perth foreshore now, but many people dislike the unspoiled natural beauty of the place. And it's that balancing between urbanisation and development versus the status quo. And this electorate has its fair share of development challenges and issues, and even if they're not involving the federal government, my constituents like to come to see me to get my views on. There's a proposal to develop a restaurant at the end of the groin. There are always proposals to develop the beachfront here. But so far they've been pretty well resisted by the local councils, and people who feel strongly enough about it, of course, get elected to the local councils.
Are there any skills that you've found that have been transferrable from kind of being on the world stage, having to deal with the foreign minister of Russia, to dealing with an irate kind of person here? Very similar experiences, actually. Well, negotiating skills, patience, empathy, backing your judgement, standing your ground, all those sorts of things, they can come in handy anywhere, anytime. We have to say you've done very well.
There's no subways or kind of city beach or gelatos along the beach here. So you're miles ahead of the Wentworth electorate anyway, we have to say, or noosa. I suppose it's a bit hard to compare the Bondi Beach with this one, I think. I think this one's a bit off the beaten track.
Cottesloe Beach is well known. It was the scene of Janie Priest kissing Prince Charles years ago. Remember that? She was a local model here and brought a bit of notoriety to Cottesloe Beach, but it is a beautiful part of the world and I love coming down here in the mornings and doing a soft sand run and a bit of a dip in the ocean. We've had a shark attack or two around here, which makes me very cautious, but nevertheless it's a beautiful part of the world and people come from all over just to spend some time on Cottesloe Beach. So I can understand why the locals want it to remain as is and not bring too much traffic into the place, but still some quality restaurants and cafes are pretty popular here.
Now, you've been kind of, as we said before, 16 years in a ministerial role. Who do you think has been the kind of most competent operator you've seen, other than yourself? I'm very good at voting for myself. Yeah, thanks. You had WA backing you too, didn't you?
Well, let's not go there.
I think one of the most competent, well, two of the most competent were John Howard and Peter Costello. I thought they made the dynamic duo. They made a great team. They were very different personalities, but they brought their respective skills to their roles and hence we had enormous stability at that time. Even though there was a level of competition between the two, no question, they nevertheless always put their portfolio and their leadership issues to one side, where they disagreed and really acted in the national interest. I thought they were a pretty amazing team.
It's a shame they never got to swap jobs like Turnbull and ScoMo did. It didn't quite turn out that way. There was a little movement at the station in 2007, but no John held firm, so he didn't give in to Alexander Downer's treaties that he move on.
Oh, did I just break confidence? No, I'm sure I didn't.
That must have been public news at the time. She says, looking desperately at Lauren, it was public at the time, wasn't it? Yes.
Well, he ended up in the plum job, the old Downer. He ended up over there in an Australia house there in London.
It is a very important diplomatic post up there with the ambassador to Washington, the ambassador to Tokyo, the high commissioner to London. It's an extraordinarily busy job too because so many Australians are in London at any one time. It was nice how they gave that job to Kim Beazley, and then when it was Kevin Rudd's turn to be the head of the United Nations, it was nice that Malcolm was able to really help him out there too. Well, I think my position on that was well known, so I needn't comment further. Does that frustrate you when you hear people saying, oh, you know, the plum job of working in Washington or London? Because you know they are quite busy. A plum job in the sense that it has a great deal of status in the diplomatic world, no question, but of course they work hard and they are representing Australia and they have to drive out to the airport to pick up the foreign minister and that can't be that much fun.
No. What would be the plum job to finish in though? Like if you were talking about ones in terms of output, work-life balance, what would be the island? If you were a DFAT lifer, A DFAT lifer. and then for the last ten years of your professional life, they handball you and say, all right, you're going to be the ambassador to Antigua and Trinidad. The only thing you'd have to do is handshake a couple of cricket players every three or four years. Well that's not all bad. Anywhere in the Pacific, could you imagine it being given the High Commission to Fiji? Oh yeah. That would be good. Oh no, that would be busy.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be busy, because about 350,000 Australians go there as tourists so that you've got that problem. So if you're thinking of somewhere where you're kind of quite removed, how about the Vatican? There's lots of rules there. Now, you just dropped an interesting stat on us. And I'm sure you've got plenty of them.
What's the most interesting one you've learnt, or you've learnt in your work overseas?
Where did you not expect to see that many Australians? Australians are everywhere, believe me. We are inveterate travellers, and Australians turn up in the most unexpected places. And you expect to see them in the global centres. Silicon Valley in Hollywood, surprised me how many Australians are there. I mean, that's not unexpected entirely, but the sheer scale of the Australian invasion is something to behold. A lot of Bondi kids starting off working on apps over there. But no, you come across Australians anywhere and everywhere.
I remember going to Tehran, which was quite controversial at the time. I was the first Australian minister to visit Tehran in about 12 years or more. And the visit was highly scripted, and it was very carefully managed by the Iranians until I met with the Foreign Minister Zarif and said, I just want to have a look around Tehran. So he essentially called off the security detail and said, go where you want.
So we went to a marketplace, unannounced, but we had a bit of a media crew with us because there was a great deal of interest in my visit. And we're walking through this exotic, beautiful Persian market in Tehran, and I hear, oi, generally. And there's a young couple from Sydney, who, he was Iranian, but they'd been born in Australia, and they got married, and their honeymoon was going to be in Tehran. So they were just wandering through and saw me there. Persian marketplace, you couldn't avoid them. Exactly. There they are in Persian marketplaces.
Well, we're almost out of time here. Thank you for meeting with us today. You're just going to go for a swim, aren't you? Well, and you're looking at the ocean, but I've got a little bit of reflections of the fridge here. It's very nice to see your part of the world, and thank you for having us. Well, thank you for coming along, and don't be a stranger, you've got to come back more often. And next time, we'll head over to Rottnest Island and see your quokka.
See your one polling booth over there. Yeah, you bet. I have no trouble getting volunteers to be at the Rottnest polling booth on election day. No trouble at all. I bet.
Thank you, Julie Bishop. Thanks very much. Cheers. Thank you, Julie. Thank you. |
dropout | bill_nye_in_breaking_bad | How is that possible? Well, have you been around any harmful chemicals? Involved in any kooky demonstrations? I have lung cancer. What? Cancer.
Try to imagine that this red balloon is my lung, and that the water of my cells, now they've begun to divide and mutate uncontrollably. Right now, these harmful cells are isolated within my lungs, but eventually, these cells will metastasize and spread throughout my body, wetting my insides, or in medical terms, causing my organs to fail. Now that everything's wet, things are going to get much worse, much faster.
Do what? I'll make sure you're taken care of. I've got a way to make a lot of money, and the science is really cool, but I'm going to need your help. 50-50.
We're going to make a lot of money, because our customers will be addicts. Addicts? See, Jesse, an addict is a lot like a bicycle. Right now, it's standing still and doing just fine. But if we give it a pedal, it builds momentum, which makes it harder and harder to stop. Just like the bike, our customers will become addicted to our pedaling.
Making methamphetamine is a lot like making a cheese pizza, Jesse. You just take three household ingredients, combine them, and you got yourself something way cooler. Only instead of pizza dough, tomato sauce, and cheese, you start off with iodine, phosphorus, and some pseudoephedrine. And instead of an oven, we use a series of catalysts and reducing agents. What about some pepperoni on that bitch? You've got to understand something, Jesse. We're not only cooking cheese pizza, we're cooking the best cheese pizza in the whole goddamn country.
We got to run, man. What do you think you're doing with that thing? Thing, Jesse! This is no thing! This is a 9mm semi-automatic handgun. Of science! Bill Nye the Crystal Math Guy. |
TheOnion | Users_Explain_What_They_Love_About_Onion_Social | Why do I use Onion Social?
I love being able to connect with my classmates. Plus, Onion Social's open, accessible platform won't censor me for speaking my mind about how those dweeby little shits I have to fuck with at school should go kill themselves. As a single parent, it's hard for me to keep up with anyone who's not my kids or people at one of my two jobs. But Onion Social makes it simple for me to connect with anyone who's willing, literally anyone at all.
You can score drugs on there. That's pretty fucking rad.
Onion Social is simplifying social media. Onion Social makes all the tools I need to solve discord in a democratic institution simple and easy to navigate, which makes my job of undermining American life not only easy, but also fun. Onion Social allows me to keep up with all the beautiful people in my life that would never let me get close to them otherwise. Onion Social is a great platform for people who want to learn more about onion social. Finally, a social media site that brings people together. People I haven't talked to in ages, I now get to see every day through Onion Social's live video stream as they buy groceries, sleep, or if I'm lucky, have sex. Onion Social has something for everyone. Onion Social provides the perfect platform for free and open discussion without fear of political censorship. Not only have I been able to organize meetups with like-minded people all over the country, I feel more connected to the people all over the country. I feel more connected to the world around me than ever before. Onion Social is cool.
I don't know. I made it, so I'm on it. I. I. I. And Onion Social. |
SaturdayNightLive | deer_snl | My goodness, my goodness. I can't believe my daughter lives in this beautiful house. it really is so cozy. Thanks, everybody. I know it's remote, but we love it. And the schools are great, you know, if we decide to have kids one day. one day? you need them now.
Dad, stop. Well, I will not stop. I will never stop on that.
Well, you guys, look out the window. there's a deer in your woods. Oh, really? a deer?
Where is it? it's right there by that pine tree. Oh, right. cute. Well, where is it? I don't see it. it's right by the pine tree, Dad.
Look. oh, man. why is it a girl deer? Because they don't have horns?
And where is this deer y'all talking about? it's by the pine tree, Mr. Reynolds. I know what it's by, but where is it at? it's right there, Dad. do you see the two rocks? I thought I was looking for a deer. now I gotta find rocks. there's two big round rocks, Mr. Reynolds. Okay, don't yell at me. just show me where the deer is. Dad, do you see where I'm pointing? Yes. at rocks? Dad, bring your eyes by my hand and follow the arc of the point.
You know what? never mind. I don't need to see it. Dad, just follow the arc of my point with your eyes to the deer. I said it's okay. I don't really care. but it's right there. just make your eyes go in line with the angle of my point. I said forget it. I don't need to see no deer. deer is boring anyway.
Oh, my God, there's a bunny rabbit riding on the back of the deer. Oh, now, what? where is that happening now? Oh, and the bunny has a coward.
Okay, and if I wanted to see that, where exactly would I look? it's walking straight towards the sea? Look. Dad, imagine a laser coming from my finger.
What? do you see the third cloud on the side of the sky? the side of the sky? it's right there at 12 o'clock. What's that, east coast time Or west coast time? there's no difference.
Oh, just shut up. Look, the deer is right there. you have to see it. Yeah, but I don't, and I don't want to. Shoot, I think y'all make it all this up. All right, Daddy, it's okay. just let's talk about something else. yeah, it's not that great of a deer anyway. Oh, my God, it's at the window, Mr. Reynolds. look! I will not. I have lost all interest in the deer. what is right there waving at us? I don't care if it's during the Macarena. for the love of God, just turn around and you'll see it. Okay, fine, but it better be there. down somewhere.
Man, y'all messing with me, just like when you put my pants down at the Yankee game. I didn't put your pants down. they were loose. they fell on their own. yeah, whatever. everybody always messing with me.
Oh, my God. I don't want to live, Oh, deer. it's right behind you. You, who is you? not you, you. Well, y'all, please stop messing with me. Mr. Reynolds has got a knife. What? that's right. that's right. pack your bags, girl. you moving back to the city, out here fooling with these deers. no, daddy, we gon' be okay. maybe you right. maybe my baby girl. Oh, my god. Mr. Reynolds, the deer's pulling down your pants. he's messing with me. |
dropout | pandora_s_unboxing | What's up, guys? It's Pandora. Y'all stole fire, and now I'm the first woman on Earth. Uh, yay boobies! Okay. Alright, so right in front of me here, I got this super limited edition box from Zeus. Zeus, if you're watching, what's up, buddy?
Sick thunderstorm last night. You smited that sheep.
Good job. So, uh, yeah, I figured I'd open this up in front of all you nerds. Just kidding, I love you guys.
Anyway, it looks like we got a ceramic box, we got red clay with a black varnish. Gives it a nice metallic sheen. Let's see, on the bottom we got some geometric shapes. Uh, what do we got on the side? We got a... We got a chick carrying a pot on her head.
Yeah, it's pretty standard stuff. You know, uh, solid Grecian craftsmanship. Alright, on this side we've got a lock. It's cast iron. Pretty powerful. And an inscription that says, forsaken be those who unlock this wicked chest. Yeah, okay, Zeus.
Drama queen. Now, as usual, up Prometheus was being a total doucher and wouldn't give me the key, so I went ahead and stole it from him last night when he was sleeping. Yoink! Pandora! You see my key anywhere, babe? You probably left up Prometheus's place, sweetie.
Uh, okay, let's open this bad boy up. Alright, so we just pop this key in here and give it a quick turn. Slide that off.
Alright, uh, what is the dealio here? Alright, looks like some not-so-good stuff is escaping from the box. Uh, if I had to guess, I'd say it's all the evils of the world. Yeah, uh, there goes disease. Uh, as you'd expect, poverty looks to be in great condition. Uh, crime. Wasn't sure if they'd include that one.
Gosh, you gotta admire how efficiently all the evils are packed. I mean, pestilence alone takes up a lot of space.
Right, I've made a pretty grave mistake here, so I'm gonna try to close this one up right away. Got that all set, and oh, oh no. That did not do it. Well, you know, normally when you see something that's been sitting around for all eternity, you expect to see some, you know, settling, some wear and tear, but the forms of suffering leaking out of here are definitely ready to devour mankind's utopian existence. Ravenous, uh, you know, truly a bonehead move on my part. Feel like a real meatball. Uh, oh, oh no. Well, it seems like it's slowing down now.
Uh, that's good at least. Let's take a look inside. Pop this, oh. All right, cool. Seems like all that's left in here is, uh, hope. So that's nice. Yeah, not so bad. Yay, Pandora. Whoo, hope.
And, uh, please subscribe.
Next week, I'll be unboxing Portal 2. Hell. I'll be unboxing a Portal 2 Hell. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_snagglepuss_on_gay_marriage_snl | Last week, the state of California passed Proposition 8, effectively banning gay marriage here to come. Okay, votes over, But thank you.
Here to comment: is Snaggle Puss evening, sir, Or should I say bad evening? Despicable even? Yes, a lot of people view this as a big setback for the gay community. Yes, an enormous setback. Gigantic even. You would think that in this day and age, people would be more tolerant even. And obviously, this is a huge disappointment to you personally.
Well, you know you, being a homosexual lion marketroid I wasn't talking about me. I'm as straight as a line. A chorus line even. Come on, Snaggle Puss. Oh, who am I kidding? I guess the cat's out of the bag or the lion's out of the closet. Even the point is Seth.
I know the day will come when my partner and I can legally marry your partner. The great Kazoo ladies and germs. Oh, it feels so good to finally hear you say that. Any who, I'll see you at home I have a marathon of Real Housewives of Atlanta on Dvr and a bottle of Chablis chilling in the fridge. Growl! Snaggle Puss! Ladies and gentlemen, |
dropout | if_furious_7_s_stunts_were_realistic | Say goodnight, Hulbs. Mom! Elena, got you! My legs are broken! The fire spreads in the car, I can't- Let's ride, family. Woo! Yeah, baby! Oh, shit! We're at the mercy of the wind! Not like this, not like this, not like this! Release, release! Fuck off! I missed the route!
Where you at, family?
Okay, we gotta reboot, fam- You're gonna have to jump! I can't see! You keep working on the security system, I'll hold off undefeated UFC champion Ronda Rousey. Be careful. Don't worry, I'm a mechanic. Once we jump to that other skyscraper, we roll out. Got it?
As a family! Roll out, family! Listen up, family.
I'm gonna escape off here in reverse. Scrape that enemy helicopter in mid-air, attach this bag of grenades to its leg, then you shoot the bag while I land safely across the street.
Got it? Got it.
Shit! I can't accelerate as fast as a collapsing building! Shit! I survived the collapse with the debris knocked the pins out of these grenades! Maybe I can put them back in- Shit!
I survived that with the explosion to the attention of the helicopter! Thanks for watching! Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. What was that, man? |
dropout | kim_jong_un_is_a_pokemon_master | Today's episode out from within weekends are solved for the true story of minister stupid hat-wrecking face Kim Jong Un stop playing Pokemon You must be doing boring leader things with no discernible purpose But minister ugly teeth feces breath top scientists say electro sports sharpen glorious leaders brilliant strategic mind We do also we find his cake intake to be normal and healthy And yet, I still think these games childish frizzle frazzle.
This is the first clue to my incompetence Your endless hours spent playing Pokemon will never help true Korea What what is that?
Certainly nothing ironically proving me wrong Kim Jong-un I keep cyber nerd tired of losing online Pokemon battles to you So I brought the fight into the real world My cowardice is revealed This is truly the fate minister limp penis batted his job deserves I was wrong to take your Pokemon game.
Now go save your country Kim Jong-un chooses for Vassar and patriotic spirit true Korea is only Korea I have defeated Kim Jong-un's Pokemon now as holy lob dictates.
I am the leader of true Korea So you might think but by confronting Kim Jong-un in the real world who have made one crucial mistake Oh really and what would that be?
Just like my paintings Kim Jong-choo What is that you wish to stay in your Pokemon form for the nation's safety It is done those who find it odd will be fed to the poor of other nations since there is no poverty in true Korea or cannibalism |
cracked | all_the_people_you_meet_on_every_block | Okay, so there's a random block in a city like the one you live in and a couple girls are people watching and one of Them never smiles, but she's always happy and the other one keeps having the reoccurring dream where you're back in University There's a class you forgot to go to and now you have to write the final There's a lot of people to watch there's a Jewish Chinese guy and you think that's weird But his people date back to the 8th century his best friend comes off as prejudice, which is actually not She just doesn't comfortable being thought of as a liberal.
There's a guy upstairs who's the exact opposite and next door There's a guy who constantly mistakes love for hate so he doesn't know how you'll find a girlfriend and there's an artist who never leaves the house because she thinks our art can make People feel less alone than she can in person and she's right and wrong And there's a guy who wants to get help for his procrastination problem I can't seem to get around to it and a girl wants to get help for a depression problem But help changes you help changes you and she likes yourself and there's a guy who's out of money And he sees the help wanted sign at the candy store, and he doesn't believe in predestination He just thinks life is people randomly colliding like Adam's as he's looking he collides with someone and she drops her ID And he sees her name is candy sweets and justice.
He's about to reconsider fate and destiny He realizes she's obviously an exotic dancer, and she is and she has a hundred eighty IQ There's a strip club next to a candy store And there's a gruff-looking cop and he'd never guess that the server is transgender and he would never get that the copper thing That's pretty cool.
And neither of them would guess that there's a UFO watching from above and you would never guess It's not aliens like people from the future and they're watching they're watching a relationship You don't see on TV because television stopped being black and white in the 60s, but the shows never did They're watching a sanitation workers.
Not sure if he's gay or not But he keeps thinking about it and someone naively in love with a stage persona when the stage is where people are the least visible And an addict who doesn't look like what you think addicts look like because nothing looks like anything and at the end of the block There's a movie billboard, but it's the least interesting thing there because people are interesting dualistic and contradictory always and never alone good and bad crazy That's why time travelers are watching them That's why people watch each other to see what's really going on Someone should make a show about it and then they made one so can have time travelers in it.
Hopefully people will watch that too |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_2024_Oscars_Analysis_Featuring_Betoota_s_Greek_Freak_of_Cinema | Welcome back to Batutah Talks with myself Clancy Overill editor of The Batutah Advocate and Errol Parker editor at large and a lot going on in the news cycle most recently the 2024 Oscar Awards which are always a bit of fun yes it was a great distraction from all the other news that's been going on around the world at the moment absolutely that's all it would exist for right like a little bit of razzle-dazzle nothing like it in this sea of glumness today's guest is the encyclopedia of razzle-dazzle he's the one that can talk to you about anything ever that's ever occurred on film movies TV series anything that you know of that's appeared as some you're mostly feature lengths I love the feature length yeah I love the feature length now Alexei Tolleopolis as I said the rain man the encyclopedia of razzle-dazzle cinephile they call him the the Greek Tarantino he has a new podcast which is broadcast out of this town it's called the last video store last video store Batutah last video store Batutah Queensland we're obviously the town that hosts the last video store and I'm gonna let you Alexei explain the format of your program which I appeared on this week actually as a guest and a customer of the last video store you our last customer to walk through those doors and to pick up a rental combo but I'll say this like this is pretty much my dream film podcast I've always wanted to have a show like this because I think it's like my mission on this planet to connect people to the films they love and what better way to do it than jumping back into the mild stomping crowd or the video store having chats with interesting people like yourself and talking about the movies they love but in the style of that old-school rental combo you'd pick up on a Friday night go into the video store back in those golden days you know those hazy nostalgic times and so people were coming in to about a new release film that they love two weeklies which are just old movies that they'll love for the rest of their lives and then I'm going to take it upon me my duty is to recommend them a staff pick based on their taste so taking those things taking the conversation that we have using my god-given ability of empathizing with other people through movies and finding something that I think they'll love for the rest of their life to just kind of like I really want to inspire people to discover films and wanting to explore further they have before now this podcast is available anywhere you get podcasts it's also on YouTube which is a new an exciting development for DM podcast in the town of Batutah in general at large and for me as well and for you yeah and book can I just say you pop on screen oh my god the camera loves me I hope I get discovered and become a movie star myself well appear on one of the DVDs on our many infinite walls well those those those cameras that we film it on there are black magic cameras which are which are Australian main blue not they're made down in Melbourne so yeah as the person around here whose name is on the credit card I I know these things Wow you went all out those black magics you know we are construing things beyond miss yes I mean they're Alexi you as a previous guest in the potatoes last video store as there's the most recent guest you gave me a staff pick which I have not been able to locate I I won't say what it is but this that should go to show the listeners just how vast your knowledge is that you have suggested a film which seems to triangulate my three films that I'd mentioned yeah and they were disparate your choices were all over the place yeah they were all over the place you sent me a huge challenge man yeah and you gave me a film that looks from what I can read to you know tickle all three of those films but it is just not available in Australia I'm gonna have to you know resort to piracy or something like that very very close to $1,000 and the last guy that owned that store before you and me had an arrangement so well I'm sure we can cook something up let's cook something up now but that is that should show the listeners just I'm gonna say a Nordic Nordic film made 20 years ago that's not available in Australia this man has seen it because he's seen everything and he knows everything how did you say how do you how would you have seen a Nordic film that you can't get in this country from 20 years ago well I'll say this I have my ways I have my ways because I'm like very looped into importing films like through legal means and some more nefarious means but the thing that I care about most is like being able to find things and it's kind of been my mission for most of my life is to build up as you put it like an encyclopedic knowledge of films and I have like a veracity a hunger that is unending for discovery for finding films out there in the world and this film I'd heard about for a long time in particular it's from a well-known Nordic filmmaker that's made the cross to Hollywood and made some big cult films and is making some weird and interesting stuff it was just like the film of his that I had not seen I'd seen a lot of you like he's Danish films as well but this was the one that had been a bit harder to find so it's been on my list personally for a long time and then when I kind of was getting the vibe of what you were picking it became time for me to seek this film out I knew that it had to be the one because it just made so much sense because you know you picked a slacker comedy you picked a heinous dirty crime film and then a really a film that had like a really lovely detailed sense of space and I thought this film in particular would lean into that and so far I think all the guests on the podcast I've had pretty good track record of like finding them like oddities or things that they've not heard of or things they've yet to watch but really lands into their taste I think that's something that I like have always had a lot of pride in and something I've really wanted to like capture again it's just like being able to connect people to movies you know he says things this man will say things like oh yeah that's a great film I've got it on blu-ray I'll bring it in for you I'm like Alexi I don't know like unless someone's rocking a ps5 or something at home I mean ps5 probably doesn't even play blu-ray anymore it does if it's got a district it'll play it ps4 those two some but I'm at that point where I might just like keep a like keep that thing on me keep a blu-ray player oh you got all my back is going here let me give you the disc and the means to play as well giving a multi-region blu-ray player in my backpack at all times so um have you got like a movie watching routine I mean it is essentially your job now so I guess you can you can find time that you can carve out to consume these things yeah I just I mean I would like to watch more flicks but I just cannot find the time I think it's like for me because it is the thing that I love most I've always been able to find that time and I probably try to watch a movie every day but there'll be some days where I just don't get the time so I'll watch like four on the weekend five on the weekends maybe more than that because it's just the thing I love most like I'll wake up early in the day and go well I'm gonna chuck a movie on or I'll stay up late at night and go well what do I want to do I watch a movie I've never seen before let's go to that when do you start shaming yourself like what's the latest you'll put a film on oh dude I've done it like midnight I'm sorry I tell you one of the best viewing it's like exciting experience I've ever had there is this movie called set it off which is an F Gary Gray heist film starring Vivica Fox Queen Latifah Jada Pinkett Smith actors I really really love and it had been kind of weirdly hard to see for most of my life like I could have seen on DVD but I missed my chance and then one night almost two-pack Jada Pinkett Smith era yeah just after like 1990 mid 90s and like in that primo like heist film era like just before Ocean's 11 but just after heat where people are just like oh hi smoothies you can do interesting things there and I had always want to see it I've been aware of it because I kind of like that era film I really love like that era especially like african-american cinema so I've always loved F Gary Gray weirdly he's just been a director I've loved for my whole life impossible to find for ages one night just before bed midnight I'm scrolling on Netflix and it comes up I'm like oh my god so I chucked it on and I was like I just wanted enough to like wet my beak just go let's have a taste before bed could not stop I watch the whole thing it's like two hours long like it's a long movie it's not short I just like zoned in and watched it and then I could not fall asleep because I stayed up reading about the film for the next like hour so I didn't get to bed till maybe 4 a.m. because I just wanted to like just luxuriate in this movie so that's a shame but it was also like true unctuous pleasure for me watching a film discovering it I'll probably say this as well like when's the thing that you love you find the balance shifts to it like I don't watch like any TV shows almost I watch maybe five shows a year and a lot of those are the shows that I watch every year like Drag Race or like Top Chef or whatever and those are the films I can actually zone out to understand joy doesn't feel like a scholarly pursuit to me like you know I didn't even watch you guys TV show until like it feels like well I think I have to move until I move the batoon I got a fit in and I love it as well not everyone's got paramount I'll tell you what on Boxing Day in 2001 I actually I went to the midnight screening of first Lord of the Rings movie Oh dressed up as a hobbit really what do you what okay I'm imagining you got the cloak you've got a little vest on of some kind I yeah what about the feet what are you packing on the feet I went in well I was I was not as old as I am then so I went in a pair of jelly sandals that were that was see-through did you pop like a little Merkin on top give those a little hairy hobbit things a bookish young man right yeah no it's uh yeah no it was good it was a very past my bedtime I think we got home at about you know a quarter to six in the morning was very patient mother especially my mother at the time where you know the deepest fiction that she would consume was an episode of murder she wrote on a Saturday morning the Angela Lansbury classic after tennis but she went all in I mean mother's like sacrificed so much for the little nerdy sons what was the rule with you your mother gave you the rule with the Godfather oh okay my mom too because I really I was a young cinephile and I was like I want to get into films deep and I remember like going well everything's about the Godfather everyone talks about the Godfather being the greatest movie I was kind of interested in crime films and like crime and mafia type shit it's like well I have to watch this but there was r18 and I was probably 13 years old and my mom was like well you can't watch this unless you read the book first and I was like okay well I'm gonna read the book it's like this huge fat novel oh it's pulpy as well and the book was far less appropriate and I remember like having the book and it's like page 17 you see Sonny Corleone in vigorous detail bone and out one of the bridesmaids at the wedding which is a one-second scene in film she jerks into her ecstasy the words elongated pole pulsing are used in that passage and I was like 13 so I taking the book to school like Rose you will not believe what they're allowed to write in books you reckon you've seen some sex in tomorrow when the war began they're using words like sticky disgusting yeah and like the book is so strange compared to the movie because it's like all that she becomes a main character that brides me and it's like a whole plot line about how I'm not this is true let if you think I'm about to say something insane I am and let it be known it is true in the book the Godfather that character that appears in the film maybe two scenes she becomes a more important character in the third film yes but there is a whole subplot that follows her journey because she has a rather wide vaginal passage the probably the most disgusting one said that and Sonny was the only person with a hog big enough to pleasure her and then Tina Santino dies so she must go on a journey of marrying this doctor who can then perform surgery on her and fix you will not fix but to shrink shrink her her passage the passage yeah yeah no I actually think the Godfather book and we're getting right off topic here to what the point of this episode is but this is what it is this is the joy of film right you end up talking about the books you end up talking about you know bestsellers end up talking about Oscar winners I actually think in that Godfather book they could have made two to three spin-off films I reckon following Johnny Fontaine through LA yeah post-wedding yeah would be crazy you know he's over there with his and then because then that way the call the only family only exists in phone calls really culminating with a residency in Las Vegas yeah now that's a good idea yeah we should make that movie well did you know that the the author of the Godfather Mario Puzo wrote the screenplay he didn't know what the hell he was doing and after the success of the Godfather he got he got asked to write a few more so he was like I've got no idea what I'm doing I knew how to write my story I'll go and get a screenwriting book that'll teach me how to write a proper bonafide screenplay goes and buys this book opens it up on the first page it says watch the Godfather when he was like writing the screenplay for Superman like the 70s one yeah it's like man it's it's so long so much cocaine involved in some of those old blokes oh yeah I've flown too close to this island yeah that was lesson two in the book say watch the Godfather yeah and snort a little something interesting yeah well even school I know he wasn't involved in the Godfathers but he admits to abusing cocaine Goodfellas might have been when it's appearing on screen like that it's like school says he's obviously doing something similar behind score says he's coke iest film I reckon is the last waltz oh yeah did with all those musicians mm-hmm that is good grief in the new 4k restoration of it you can actually finally see the glob of cocaine Neil Young's Neil Young's nose I've always heard about it never been able to see it the 4k resto pristine crystals you're seeing right there gorgeous stuff I gotta watch that one yeah you would love it man especially we love Boomer style music oh yeah yeah yeah now we want to talk about the Oscars because I feel like you're the only authority that I would be willing to listen to on the 2024 Oscar Awards who do you think were the winners and who were the losers in the sense that who deserved to win and who won yeah and who deserved to win and who lost well I think this was a really good year I'll say that like in 2023 the year that was celebrated the 96 Academy Awards I think was genuinely a fantastic year for film especially like you know that post-covid world like the movies are actually happening they were coming out they were being released but they had been made as well like 2019 I thought was a historically great year 2023 not too far behind it and I think the Oscars through their nominations genuinely recognized that so I think the big winner is audiences and cinema and I'm gonna say that completely sincerely and genuinely the audiences were the winners this year and I thought the actual ceremony was fantastic like it was really fun obviously the big winner was Oppenheimer winning Best Picture and I think six other awards most of the major categories and it's really hard to argue against that because it celebrates something that the Oscars often celebrate which is biographical films but also like big tremendous achievements or things that push the needle forward and Christopher Nolan is a really celebrated filmmaker he's done a lot for cinema and the cinema going experience like completely revitalized it in the history of the Oscars they even updated the Best Picture category from five to ten because the Dark Knight did not make it into that top five and they were like well how do we change that how do we give more space for blockbuster entertainment and films that maybe mean more to audiences than to like the filmmaking community or critical community the Academy to the Academy itself how do we broaden that out so they that was like a contribution of him it's good the blockbuster directors could be seen can be seen but also like it is a pretty wild film to have made nearly a billion dollars worldwide like for it to be one Oppenheimer for it to be a biographical film about a billion American dollars a billion a USD brother a billion USD greenback a million dead presidents lined up and that's it and really dead presidents put in the Oppenheimer it's all about the Benjamins baby it's all about those Benjis brother so it's like Oppenheimer it's like also a big artistic achievement because I think it takes a lot of like his storytelling that he's been working on in like shifting temporal spaces telling stories out of time in ways that can kind of be meaningful connections like I'm pretty agnostic when it comes to Christopher Nolan I love a lot of his films yeah I don't love all of them Oppenheimer was one that I found to be a complete synthesization of all the things he's done yeah so I found it it's incredibly difficult to argue against that film being the film of the year but I think the ten that were nominated I thought it was a spectacular film yeah I'm so glad I saw it in the cinema the fact that he can just the sheer ability to fit that much information in was what I found crazy I also thought old mate Murphy Cillian Murphy was due a role like that like a big leading yeah especially in you know he's collaborated Nolan quite a few times to give him that ascendance to like also a great character I think that performance is fantastic because it has you know those biographical notes that are big ticks at the Oscars but he's also like playing in nuance it's not really a huge outwardly expressionistic performance but I think it's hard to argue with like those ten like there's other films I love from that year but American fiction and I'm at a anatomy of a full Barbie The Holdovers Killers of the Flower Moon maestro past lives poor things the zone of interest like that is a really stellar lineup and especially seeing smaller films like the zone of interest and past lives both sneak into that top ten like those are kind of movies that maybe get ignored but when they expanded to attend and there's a room great year these films had buzz they would have build their way into it I think that's really exciting and things that should be really celebrated and I'd even say as far as that goes anatomy of a fall just into the air that is such an exciting nomination that she gets into Best Picture and Best Director nominations so someone like her she won the best adapted screenplay was yeah best original screen best original screen yeah she gets to win and and rightly so and deservedly but we look at these Hollywood I guess the blockbusters or I'm talking about the blockbusters here they haven't changed for 20 years these guys can work forever and we look at the Scorsese's and the Nolan's and the Cameron's and the Ridley Scott's that they haven't like as in the top brass hasn't changed for 20 has anyone joined the ranks well I think definitely this year we saw like a true ascendant square to go wig yeah and with Barbie and that's such a phenomenal success like it's it's like if you're paying attention you would know that's gonna be a big hit but a lot of people were doubting it I think that's insane to have doubted like yeah what a colossal hit that was gonna be and I think with that film like you see the truest sentence of someone go through the ranks of like indie darling like I've been a ground zero Greta Gerwig fan I was watching her mumble core films as an actor when I was like in high school yeah and then to see her go from that to then making bigger Indies like Lady Bird and then kind of mid-range studio film with little women which I would say is one of the best films of like the last ten years yeah I'm one of the greatest like adaptations ever to then see her go on to make such a big studio picture that changed the game I would say it was the reason why I think the two biggest movies of the year you know apart from Mario Oppenheimer and Barbie and why they saw so much Oscar nomination love is they kind of show this change in what people are seeking out if you look at the last ten years the top films at the box office have always been like those Marvel superhero films stuff that takes the same shape every year and I think what we saw the shift being this year with superhero films not doing so well then these two rather unique films doing really really well and overachieving all kind of expectations is what I think it is you see the audiences want something that is familiar to them something that they kind of know at least a little bit of what it's going to be like people know Barbie people know like a big biographical World War II type film but what they want is for those to feel fresh be different visually exciting to feel like there's a craft around them as well I think that's kind of what it is that refreshed and what people were so like you know the year when film was dominated by these two movies the conversations I think it was like that hunger was finally being served like things that are familiar but completely new and completely fresh you know I talk about those big hitters in the top brass these guys can just cheer I mean Killers of the Flower Moon was an amazing story it was way too long we know that the the rise of streaming has given these old perfectionists like free reign and a bit too much rain to go as long as they want Irishman was a good example of that look is a love letter to mafia films which I don't think could really get made like they used to anymore but Killers of the Flower Moon was an amazing story and was a completely different terrain it was just so fucking long and a bit indulgent the actors were great yada yada yada it was interesting watching Leo play a dumbass but I I do think some of these old heads Ridley Scott Napoleon Scorsese you know with the Killers of the Flower Moon they can just churn them out now and it was very interesting to see Christopher Nolan kind of despite being similar age to these old blokes and having had the same advantages in his career that you know that meant that someone like Greta couldn't exist 20 years ago so to actually see him see Nolan take his final form yeah I think that's I think that's a really interesting point because he's someone that kind of like evolves the craft like every film as well I do think that's an it's interesting to say because he's probably mid-career now really he's um I reckon he's got a lot more films in him he is 1973 years old kind of mid-career he'd be one of the new additions to that yeah you know but he's someone as well though put in that master of cinema category like he has free rein and especially after gaining a billion dollars with this film like what you'll be able to do next is something on a billion dead slave masters tell me actors actors well Killian Murphy one best actor we've talked about that like that's was not really a surprise there was maybe some thought like maybe Paul Giamatti could sneak in because I felt that performance I haven't watched that yet you would love that movie I reckon like hold over Oh warm quite funny and it has like this it feels like it is captured from the 70s like it just feels like an unearthed treasure that everybody forgot about yeah love that movie he's one too I think I think so yeah he's only been nominated for Cinderella man before the supporting actor I reckon I'll give one to him next year if he does a good role I reckon this is a Christmas film though isn't it Christmas film they should have waited yeah I should have waited and I actually think we're in America around that Christmas time but then it like Australia came out just a little bit later you want to get in the awards high which makes sense but it's such a warm Christmas movie we're just like ah you know you're watching every year for the rest of your life basically um best actress that was quite a race very exciting Emma Stone with poor things and Lily Gladstone for killers on the flower moon two really incredible formances from two kind of different models and schools of acting like Lily Gladstone smaller somber nuanced performance and I think just spectacular masterclass of that kind of acting and like so much of the stuff that you like you could miss it if you're not paying attention or if you're not kind of understanding like what the craft of acting is you could dismiss it yeah but it's an undismissable performance me and Emma Stone poor things obviously I'm Greek I've loved Yorgoslanthemos forever and it was a film that I was not anticipating from him to basically him make a Frankenstein ah freaking Edward Scissorhands and I love Emma Stone and it's such a big swing like that is a wild performance as are all the performances in poor things those are probably my two favorite performances of the year regardless like those were the two so it could have gone either way Emma Stone second time winner with this one that's exciting for a young actor to get to at a young point in their career to see like what is even possible next but Lily Gladstone that's who I was going for like that is you know a new star someone who can do so many interesting things and it would have been like a historic win the first Native American indigenous American person to win acting award like a best actress award that would have been you know what a great moment what a great celebration so it's a shame but it's hard to argue because the performances were also good it was quite a stacked category hmm and then supporting actor you got Robert Downey jr. like a career award basically going for him playing Strauss in Oppenheimer and that's a fun performance there's so many great moments with that character where you see his chops on display which is something that we probably have missed the last decade or so of his career and tough category as well Ryan Gosling and Barbie that's like come on that's an all time classic performance now Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things another huge swing you could see that movie on the wrong day and go like what is that performance but it works in cohesion and De Niro in Killers of a Flower Moon is just you know one of his best performances in the last 30 years of his career and Sterling K Brown from American fiction that's a really fun performance as well great performance and then for supporting actress Divine Joy Randolph for The Holdovers she was pretty much always gonna win this great performance she was nominated and won all the precursor awards so not really a surprise but a joyous experience to see someone get that big breakthrough moment like that and hopefully launches her to doing some really cool interesting stuff and a bigger star I mean it's all happening isn't it this new Indian blockbuster just come out what's that one called I believe it's called Monkey Man and I think that comes out rather soon here in Australia and around the world Dev Patel one of my favorite actors ever if you're around our age you saw Misfits on TV yeah and I always loved that performance from him as Anwar in Misfits to see him ascend to being one of the great leading men it's like how could you predict that shit you can't and it's just feels so natural and such a great career he's playing the lead in all of the mainstream I would say mainstream in terms of broken out of India Indian films hmm which is an incredible feat considering the diaspora all up there would be two billion Indian people in the world and you know we've seen him in Slumdog Millionaire yeah I look forward to seeing him in this yeah and he also played Nicole Kidman's son in yeah in lion lion which I think another Best Picture nominee great film did a great awesome accent I think he's such a superb actor Saroo Brierley isn't he with that character yeah and I love that film I love that Patel I cannot wait to see this debut because it's like an action film in that kind of John Wick high octane heavy stunt work taking on Hindu nationalists yeah and taking like the modern politics of India and like to doing that and I think that's the best way to communicate things in film is using genre and stuff to communicate like a deeper message yeah because audiences understand genre films so it's how you can kind of speak to them in a language that they really fluently understand yeah which I think I think Killers of a Flower Moon aimed to do and didn't really I just don't know if the parallels in American history were done because it was still kind of done like a gangster film would I mean I but I think that's it like for me then this is something that they've spoken about instead of the film being a whodunit it is a who didn't do it yeah everyone is involved yeah that's that's interesting and I think for me it's like I really liked Killers of a Flower Moon but like Scorsese is someone that I have connected with their work for most of my life like he's so core to my love of film so it's like it'll be very hard for me not to love a film by him yeah but I found this to be really mature like and a lot of late period films can like from directors and like their Twilight years if you will late period films like they can kind of lose a bit of that currency or that urgency yeah this one I think shows like how vital he still is in especially the sense of like reconstructing the story like how do we tell this story how do we retell history how do we do that and the ending of that film I think truly is maybe the greatest artistic statement of his career of him as an artist like the way that he's able to basically state his purpose of this film his purpose as a filmmaker as an artist in the radio funnies in this this ending that is so metatextual yeah anything where he comes out and presents yeah what has happened yeah it's um like honestly my hair stood on end because I think it's such a bold artistic statement and shows the vitality of his work and the necessity of his work and I've got to watch it again one recommendation I would make to those who haven't watched it is do not watch it in a heritage Victorian like Melbourne cinema on a wooden seat for three and a half hours now you've come here and you've brought a little bit of the last video store with you I've asked you to come along with your pick of you know from reading the bird tutor advocate yeah engaging meeting us meeting the editors yes meeting the writing staff I'm feeling I'm putting empathy out there I'm bringing in stuff from who I know you are and finding it and and and also you know getting to know our audiences and our readers what is the film you recommend them today well I definitely want to find something Australian that's something that I definitely want to recommend like that's a part of my mission is to help people fall in love with Australian films and there's this film that I think is like a truly underseen classic that once again was one of those films I was hard to find for a long time but now it's had this lovely restoration in the last few years it is available like everywhere Netflix Brawley for free like on so many different ways to access this film I think it's even on SBS on demand it's a film from a filmmaker called Shirley Barrett called love serenade have you seen love serenade either of you well I think it's right up your alley 1996 right in that like patch of Australian cinema where we were making like the best indie films in the world was that when the government had like a bit of a tax loophole where you know you could invest money into film development and get that as a tax write-off not quite as strong as the Ozploitation era like yeah just Peters out yeah where people could like invest and get a hundred and fifty percent back like so not quite as unbelievable as that so like films like dirty deeds and stuff that you know like they're entirely made because of tax oh you know and people's artistic talents as well no those ones they called it a day yeah those ones were predominantly comedies that was predominantly comedies in that in that Macquarie Bank era this is just a little bit earlier than that so it's kind of like so these are the Indies but who is like kind of like the castle okay head-on two hands even like the this era of Australian cinema that was really vibrant and like like capturing some kind of zeitgeist and it's kind of something you would see probably like that blending of tones of like comedy but with like dramatic edge to it or something yeah they would seem like American Indians like Juno probably like ten years later but love serenade is like this really nice intimate film it's set in like this small rural town out in Australia like needy outback and it stars Miranda Otto as a younger sister who lives with her older sister played by Rebecca Firth and they have like this small kind of lice together she's kind of stuck in this arrested development state in her early 20s I have seen this you have seen it and it's like got a great tone of comedy like it's kind of they work at a Chinese restaurant she works at this little bit of a swimsuit as a god you know when we say we're a Chinese restaurant it is a small outback town Australian Chinese restaurant that has like one customer or not yeah and this new guy moves into the town he is this hip Brisbane DJ who's been run out of Brisbane who comes to take over the radio station this small radio station he's basically the only thing that gets played on there and these two sisters basically start a love triangle obsession with this man this speed this yeah this kind of like old boomer Gen X II like you know music fan plays a lot of like you know soul classics on the radio and stuff and it's got this great sense of humor like it's got a bit of a surrealist touch well little bit of a magical realism but um I just think it's like an unsung classic like a truly unsung classic Shirley Barrett only made three movies and this was her first film and I think it's like one of the great unsung okay Australian classics triangulated us there are like there were those those ones from that era I mean like you've obviously got bad boy Bubby yeah and then you've got those ones that um was that one that Nicole Kidman was in with that bloke from fucking almost famous was Noah Taylor Noah Taylor yeah ah flirting those ones learning a sequel to the the my voice broke yeah yeah but it's like that era like even stuff like Priscilla the eventual Priscilla Queen of the Desert like and Malcolm and I love Malcolm Nadia Tass the big deal also in that era another Nadia Tass film yeah but like really a fervent period of Australian cinema that I think right now we're kind of in a bit of like a wave is building in Australian film like if you look at you know our equivalent of the Oscar Awards this year the actor Awards there are five or six nominees for best picture and then there's also like best independent film which is a little odd because I think most Australian films are classified as independent films but it's a way for them to show more love to more great films I would say of those nominees all of them were of such a high caliber from talk to me which one to limbo the latest film from Ivan San like a shader another great film of an age by Goran Stilewski like it was such a vibrant year for Australian film it leaves him with a little hope that Australian cinema is in the midst of something exciting back baby vibrantly happening here we're back especially you know talk to me was like one of the biggest horror hits of the year like that transcended our borders like to the rest of the world I'm very excited you've gassed me up here Alexi thank you for triangulating our audience and giving them that love serenades and for any of you who have sunk your teeth into this cosmopolitan young man's as I said encyclopedic mind and want to dig in more you can find him at the last video store you can find him on Instagram last video store Batutah tik-tok wherever else but you can also find just the last video store Spotify Apple podcasts YouTube I would recommend watching YouTube because it actually there's a little bit of a visual kind of there's a few assets there that oh yeah you know we there's scenes that get replayed and there's we've constructed the great video store of all time yeah it's we in the video store we've had great guests like yourself yeah Angela White the biggest adult film star in the world stopped by and that was such a great conversation to like talk about the idea of performance in pornography but then also like you know he what her taste in film is like Polly Bennett the choreographer salt burn and Elvis stopping by Luke Bracey another guest of Batutah yeah it's been really fun and it's like I think it's a really accessible way and fun way to like learn about films get interested in films yeah and explore a little deeper and learn about you know other people's tastes as well we're loving it we're loving having you in town we love the smell of popcorn and the oh yeah blood brought flu or light so we've got those prepackaged popcorns next to the killer pythons on the counter just for you so I'm just telling all the listeners if you want more tune in thank you for joining us Alexi my pleasure Alexi Touliopulos the Greek freak old boomer Gen X II like you know music fan plays a lot of like you know soul classics on the radio and stuff and it's got this great sense of humor like it's got a bit of a surrealist touch to a little bit of a magical realism but um I just think it's like an unsung classic like a truly unsung classic Shirley Barrett only made three movies and this was her first film and I think it's like one of the great unsung okay Australian classic triangulated us there are like there were those those ones from that era I mean like you've obviously got bad boy Bubby yeah and then you've got those ones that um was that one that Nicole Kidman was in with that bloke from almost famous was Noah Taylor Noah Taylor yeah ah flirting those ones learning the sequel to the the emo voice broke yeah yeah but it's like that era like even stuff like Priscilla the eventual Priscilla Queen of the desert like and it was a mmm yeah I love Malcolm Nadia Tass the big deal also in that era another Nadia Tass film yeah but like really a firm impute of Australian cinema that I think right now we're kind of in a bit of like a wave is building an Australian film like if you look at you know our equivalent of the Oscar Awards this year the actor Awards there are five or six nominees for Best Picture and then there's also like Best Independent Film which is a little odd because I think most Australian films are classified as independent films but it's a way for them to show more love to more great films I would say of those nominees all of them were of such a high caliber from talk to me which one to limbo the latest film from Ivan San like a shader another great film of an age by Goran Stilewski like it was such a vibrant year for Australian film it leaves me with a little hope that Australian cinema is in the midst of something exciting back baby vibrantly happening here we're back especially you know talk to me was like one of the biggest horror hits of the year like that transcended our borders like to the rest of the world I'm very excited you've gassed me up here Alexi thank you for triangulating our audience and giving them that love serenades and for any of you who have sunk your teeth into this cosmopolitan young man's as I said encyclopedic mind and want to dig in more you can find him at the last video store you can find on Instagram last video store Batutah tik-tok wherever else but you can also find just the last video store Spotify Apple podcasts YouTube I would recommend watching YouTube because it actually there's a little bit of a visual kind of there's a few assets there that oh yeah you know we there's scenes that get replayed and there's we've constructed the great video store of all time yeah it's we in the video store we've had great guests like yourself yeah Angela white the biggest adult film star in the world stop by and that was such a great conversation to like talk about the idea of performance in pornography but then also like you know he what her taste in film is like Polly Bennett the choreographer salt burn and Elvis stopping by Luke Bracey another guest of Batutah yeah it's been really fun it's like I think it's a really accessible way and fun way to like learn about films get interested in films yeah and explore a little deeper and learn about you know other people's tastes as well we're loving it we're loving having you in town and we love the smell of popcorn and the oh yeah blood bright flu or lights so we've got those pre-packaged popcorns next to the killer pythons on the counter just for you so I'm just telling all the listeners if you want more tune in thank you for joining us Alexi my pleasure Alexi Touliopoulos the Greek freak |
dropout | no_you_weren_t_born_in_the_wrong_decade | Okay, cool. So now you have to pretend that you unironically love the Smurfs on Twitter for a week. Hey guys, great dress. Thanks, I thrifted it.
You guys ever get the feeling like maybe you were born into the wrong decade? No. I do. I really feel like it would have killed it in the 1960s.
Just was a pure time. Yeah, plus the music was great. It was like the Beatles, the Rolling Stones. You know, you'd be like, I'm a Rolling Stone, right? And you could watch the moon landing. It really feels like the decade when America came into itself.
Yeah, but you also couldn't marry someone of a different race in most of the country. Whoa, trap. What?
That was a defining feature of the 60s. Not my 60s. Your 60s didn't have segregation. You know, upon further consideration, I really feel the decade that I would have destroyed it in the 1920s.
I mean, the flapper dresses are just so chic. Plus, there's like endless champagne and like, I'm really good at the Charleston. Like, like, doing the Charleston. I'm like Charleston.
Not to mention Ellis Island. Ellis Island. It really feels like the decade when America came into its own, you know? Plus, you just straight up catch polio and die.
Whoa. What?
It was the 20s. Everyone had polio. Fucking Roosevelt had polio. Polio's part of the package. Clearly, when I say I wish I was alive in the 1920s, I mean the fun 1920s.
Like, oh, some like it hot, or like Al Capone, just like... The murderer. Yeah, well, I guess if you really want to delve into the technicalities of it, sure. Those were classic murders.
It was just a more elegant time. Fine. If you only take the good parts, then sure, being young in the 20s would have been fun. Thank you. And then you would have been just the right age to die in World War II. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. That's how time works. You know, really, if I think about it, the decade that I would have totally annihilated would be the 1770s. I mean, just those crinolines are just so beautiful. Think of all the balls. You know, it's like... Yeah. Plus, the whole revolution thing. It really was the decade when America came into its own.
Yeah, or you could be a slave. Why would Katie be a slave? She could have been a slave. There were slaves, or an indentured servant, or blind from Pink Eye, or dead as smallpox, or living in a one-room hovel with eight people.
No! Stop it! You're ruining it!
That's what the 1770s were like. It was shitty for most people, okay? And you live now. And sure, now has its problems, but it's just objectively better, right?
You wouldn't have phones. My baby. You wouldn't have computers. My baby. And nobody brushed their teeth.
Okay, maybe traps, right? Yeah, I think I'm just going to stay in this decade. Whatever.
I mean, next thing you're going to be saying that I wasn't Cleopatra in a former life. You weren't. She definitely wasn't. I was! I was Cleopatra in a past life, so... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_philip_seymour_hoffman | Hello? Hey, hello? Is this Sarah? Yeah, who's this?
It's Phil. Phil Hoffman?
I'm gonna fuck you. What? I wanna fuck you. I wanna fuck you so hard. I'm gonna take photos and put it in an album. I'm gonna fuck you so hard. You're gonna feel it forever. Oh my god.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah, I just got a phone call from a really creepy dude. Can you trace his call?
Yeah, sure. Some creep, huh? Some... it's pretty terrible. What'd he say to you? Just like, you know, like, totally creepy stuff. Oh yeah? Oh, like what? Um, well he was like, oh, I wanna fuck you. Oh, that is... that's terrible.
That is so hot. Yeah, no. That is so fucking hot.
I have to fuck you. Um, listen, I'm sorry, I have another call. Hello? I'm so sorry. I am so fucking sorry. It's okay.
I'm a fucking idiot. You're not an idiot.
Just... Thank you. Yeah.
I just wanna touch you where you pee. I just wanna touch you where it's the warmest and the closest to your inside. Do you understand? I want my hand to be where you pee.
Oh, her she kisses. I'm sorry.
Hello? Who is that? I'm on the line. Who's it? Who am I? Who is this?
This is Phil. Okay, well... Phil?
Well, this is the police. Oh fuck. This is the police. And you're in big trouble. Oh fuck, man. Fuck.
I said I was sorry. I am sorry. I don't care.
I'm gonna find you.
I'm gonna hurt you. I'm gonna... I'm gonna find her and I'm gonna hurt you in front of her. I'm gonna hurt her in front of you. I'm fucking...
I'm not a real cop. I'm so sorry. I'm not a real cop. Listen to me.
You're a fucking nothing. Do you understand? You're a fucking nothing. You're a black fucking hole. You're a zero.
I'm gonna find you. Do you understand? I'm gonna fuck you so hard. There's gonna be a ramagram of your ass. I don't even know what that is. I'm gonna find you. Do you understand? I'm gonna fuck you till you feel it forever.
Hey, I thought that was me. Hold on. I have another call. Hello? Listen. You gotta leave her alone. Thank you. Finally some chivalry around here. Jeez. Leave her alone so she can touch herself. What? That is it. No more phone privileges for you guys.
Oh! |
dropout | this_thumbnail_is_a_butt | I'm above them and they don't know that I'm there because I'm in the machine and then I drop it. What are you talking about? Where are you? What are you dropping?
The balloons. I have water balloons and I'm dropping them. I'm sorry, your pitch is you're dropping water balloons on people while you're flying somehow?
I didn't say it right. Okay, does anyone else have a pitch? Yeah, I got one. Great. What do you got?
This thumbnail is a butt. Can you say that again? I said this thumbnail is a butt. Okay, what is the video that goes with that thumbnail? That's the whole idea. This thumbnail is a butt. Okay, but what is the sketch about? It doesn't matter. As long as the thumbnail is a butt, people will click on it. That's all these things care about. It even grants terrible idea. Thumbnail of a butt and you're gold.
What are you drinking? A beer.
But isn't that kind of deceitful? No.
All we're saying is that this thumbnail is a butt. We're not saying anything else. Okay, but the thumbnail is supposed to be a hint at what's in the video, right? Fine. We'll just show the butt at some point. What, you're just going to show some random butt for no reason?
Whoa! Hey, a butler! Up the dial!
But we should be trying to make content that matters. Whatever, miss.
Green piece. Tom shoes wearing NPR tote bag.
Yeah, this feels wrong. Why? The thumbnail is in the video.
That's all we said we do. Yeah, but don't you go to make good, fun, original content that's...
Are you drinking whiskey right now?
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! We got a winner! It's Siobhan! Princess Siobhan!
I used to be like you. Wanted to pour my heart and soul in the videos. Make sketches that mattered. But then at a certain point you realize no one gives a shit about what you have to say.
Then all you want to do is punch in at eleven, clock right out of four, slap a butt on a thumbnail and go the fuck home. Okay, Zach, this is completely inappropriate. You're drunk, you're smoking, you're stained in not business appropriate clothes. Fucking sheeple. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor.
Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. Thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | New_Fad_Diet_Requires_You_To_Stop_Eating_For_A_Full_5_Minutes_Per_Day | It's being touted as the new diet program that'll boost your energy and metabolism by challenging you to pause from eating for a full five minutes a day. But is it safe? And more importantly, does it work? This is the whole body.
The five-minute detox is simple in theory. You just go about your day as normal, eating constantly from the moment you wake up as usual. Then, for one five-minute period every 24 hours, you refrain from ingesting anything. After the five minutes is over, you can continue eating as usual until you eventually fall asleep with snacks still wedged inside your mouth. Not eating for a whole five minutes?
I know, it sounds crazy. Who even has time for that?
But actually, we found the detox fits perfectly into any busy schedule. You could take your five minutes on your commute. You could do it at work. And in a pinch, you can always use your bathroom break to detox.
And don't worry, the science checks out. You see, part of the problem is when we eat 20 pounds of food a day, we're also consuming toxins, pesticides, and other impurities. Scientists found that halting the stream of food you send down your gullet for at least five minutes gives your digestive system time to refresh, reboot, and tackle the next 24-hour onslaught with renewed vigor. The result? A more efficient gut and an energized you. Now there are some risks.
If you are brave enough to try it, you should ask your doctor to see if your metabolism is strong enough to withstand the shock of not eating for five minutes. They might recommend easing into it by counting 10 seconds between meals. My personal tip? The detox is much less daunting if you tackle it with friends or join one of the many five-minute challenge forums online. Support systems are key. That's how I'm doing it. I'm almost at five minutes myself. Now I bet you're wondering how you'll have the energy to make it through the day if you're starving yourself for five straight minutes.
Don't worry, we've been there.
So here's how to make the Whole Body Superfood Smoothie that will power you through an exhausting day of massages, meditation, and shopping. It can be exhausting moving from the salt sauna to the jade sauna to the legama. That's why we're going to start our smoothie with one banana, half-cup blueberries, and two cups of coconut water to keep you full, focused, and energized. But you're also going to need some protein to get you through those deep tissue massages.
So let's add two teaspoons of spirulina algae for some natural plant proteins. The bonus antioxidants will make the grueling hot stone treatment twice as effective, too. Next, add a half teaspoon of turmeric. It'll add a dash of flavor, and its anti-inflammatory properties will keep you on your feet while you're waiting for that incompetent Lululemon sales assistant to hurry back with their manager. And lastly, two tablespoons of the aptigenic super herb ashwagandha. This activated food helps you keep cool, calm, and collected when you're back home from a long day and find out that the nanny fucked up and gave you a little Byron tree nuts again.
So frustrating.
And there you have it! One superfood smoothie that'll get you ready to face another long day jam-packed with wellness and self-care. Now you didn't hear this from me, but you can replace every meal with this smoothie if you're really trying to supercharge your energies. All right! You've exercised and eaten clean for months, and finally you are down to your ideal weight. Congratulations!
But there's still work to do. Now that you're at your healthy goal weight, here's how to lose those next 15 pounds. Easy so far, right? Remind you of the cardio you've been doing for the past few months?
Well fuck you, because it's time to get serious. You could skip this step, but it's going to have to come out of your allotted water chickpea smoothies. If you haven't already cut solid food from your diet, you might as well close the tab now, because this workout assumes you've stopped eating.
Actually, scratch that. Much better.
Working both sides of your body like this will push you past your plateau and toward that BMI you've been dreaming of since you were little. If you want to be stuck at your healthy goal weight, fine. But if you can visualize moving down three gene sizes, this shouldn't be a problem. Look, if you don't know proper burpee form or why they're good for you by now, it's no wonder you're only at your target weight.
Wrap up the workout with just 60 jumping jacks, 20 elevated push-ups, and finally 5 reps of Romanian deadlifts at your max weight. And done! Do these exercises every day until you shed those next 15 pounds. And then the real work begins. |
cracked | the_return_of_dune_we_made_dune_part_one_for_20 | There's something happening to me there's something awakening in my mind.
I can't control it Do you often dream a wet dream and wake up wet in your dream?
Yes My needs are simple you put your hand in my box Or you die what's in the box pain You inherit too much power You're proven you can rule yourself Mine is to learn to rule others My father rules an entire planet he's losing it he's getting one that's fucking loaded He'll lose that one, too Kill them Picking my family off one by one It's quite like semen An animal caught in a trap will gnaw of his own leg to escape what will you do?
I know you One day the legend will be born The future I can see it I Must not fear fear is the mind killer We're going to Iraq is Paul To liberate its people and you get that sweet sweet spice your head spice ball Spice liberates the mind the body and the penis spice makes you happy and horny like you've never seen before You want to know when you were born I was on a spice bender for three weeks Never tell you about the first time I went to Iraq is |
TheOnion | Fatal_Staples_Center_Collapse_Brings_Merciful_Early_End_To_Clippers_Game | The sports world is breathing a sigh of relief tonight following the collapse of the Staples Center, which brought a merciful early end to a potentially tragic Clippers game. Investigators are still sifting through the rubble, but early reports indicate that everyone in attendance was saved from watching a full 48 minutes of excruciating Clippers basketball thanks to the metal and concrete roof that crushed them to death. For more on this miraculous story, we go to OSN reporter Kirsten Alvarez, who's live on the scene. But first, we understand the Clippers were trailing the Phoenix Suns by 30 points when the stadium collapsed. Yeah, Corey, it was only the third quarter and it was a gruesome scene. The Clippers were giving up easy baskets, missing wide open layups. Spectators were crying, moaning, begging for help.
At one point, Baron Davis was double teamed, but still managed to brick a three as the shot clock went off, then sulk instead of getting back on defense. Nightmare. Now, investigators have credited the collapse to a load burn girder in the ceiling. Yeah, that girder is the true hero tonight. If it hadn't buckled, those people would be driving home right now wondering how Mike Dunleavy could give significant minutes to a stiff like Ricky Davis.
Thank God they all died. Now, did any Clippers players make it out alive? No, according to eyewitnesses, not one Clipper was capable enough to find the emergency exits. I just want to be clear. All the Clippers are dead.
That is a relief. We're now joined by Abby Consala, whose husband Jay was in the arena. Hello. Abby, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you found out your husband was in the arena when it collapsed?
I just thought, please let it have killed Chris Cayman. He's just so awful.
Then I felt relieved. And your husband suffered through so much at the hands of the Clippers. Yeah. We understand Jay was a fan since 1984. Yeah. I just kept hoping that there'd be some kind of fire that the Clippers team plane would crash or my husband would drown, so we'd never have to watch them be humiliated by the Lakers again. Yeah.
I know that Jay's in a better place now, a place with no Clippers. Abby, it is a true miracle. Congratulations. You can rest well tonight. Thank you. Now, Kirsten, I understand Blake Griffin did not die in the collapse. Yeah, that's right, Corey. He hanged himself in the Clippers locker room before the game. Just one of many miracles tonight. Thank you, Kirsten.
Coming up, Eli Manning tears his ACL, playing with his Skip It. |
SaturdayNightLive | tracy_confronts_jamie_saturday_night_live | Hey, yo, Jamie! what's up? Troy, what's up, man? how you feeling, man? man, I just want to say, man, I am glad you are here, kid. you know what I'm saying? hey, man, it's great to be here, man. I'm having a great time, partner. because usually it's just me, you know? I mean, these people are nice and everything, man, but sometimes I feel a little culturally isolated. right, right, right, right, right. But don't you hang out with Tim Meadows, though? nah, man, he's always reading or something, man. that's why I'm glad you're here, kid. All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. man, we only get one black host a year, man. it was either going to be you or Alan Keyes, and I was like, yo, man, y'all got to get Jamie, man. he is hilarious.
You right, You right. Man, we connected, man. I know you feel my ideas, man. I do, baby.
Yeah, because usually I'm pitching my ideas to some white dude like Kelsey Grammer or Dylan Mcdermott. Yeah. or that crazy dude with the white hair. Laura Michaels? that's your boss, baby. boss? man, every time I see that dude, I crack up. Yeah, man, dude, it's a little weird.
I was talking about gardening and living in Canada. But this week, it's our show, baby, All right? So let the revolution begin. that's right. And it's being televised, man. that's what I'm saying. I got mad lines, man. And this week, I'm blowing up the spot. that's what I'm saying. All right, come on, let's go. we're in the middle of a show, Ok? yeah, yeah, yeah, man. All right.
Jamie? give me a soda, bitch! |
cracked | worst_first_day_ever | Oh, Jeff. I can't believe you're really gone, man.
You're like a little angel with your little boy pecs. Well, you can wear as many tiny diapers as you want now, partner.
You give them hell, Jeff. What the f***? I'm mourning, f***hole.
Michael, you can't keep dropping bottles off the building, buddy. No, I'm sorry.
My partner was killed. He was like my third favorite partner ever. Third or fourth. Definitely top five.
Just be careful. You got a pile of broken glass forming under the building.
Oh, and the chief wants to see you. Gasp. The chief?
I heard that guy eats guns and s***s bullets. I heard his toilet is like... It gets shot when he poops.
Well, he wants to see you, alright? Don't think about a new partner. Gasp. New partner? They can't replace Jeff. He was the eighth-finest partner I've ever had. Tell him I'll be right there.
Jeff. David. Vikram. Kwang Lee.
Bear riding horse. Mystery partner.
This is about my article. I can totally explain. I didn't want to do it, so I got super drunk and passed out on the new secretary. Now, I know you're gonna want to reward my honesty.
Quiet. I understand Jeff didn't make it back from your last assignment. Jeff was weak, sir.
You're a loose cannon. You need someone who can put you on a short leash, and I think I found just the man. He's a transfer from our eastern branch. Psh. East coast. So when does his blimp arrive? Smirk all you want. I think you'll find him quite the formidable taskmaster. Sorry I'm late, chief. Someone dropped a bottle of Tang around in my head as soon as I got here. Daniel, this is Michael.
The issue I was telling you about. Oh, okay. Oh, right. Uh... Hey. Hey there, guy. I'm Dan, but you can call me D-O-B. Whatever, daub. It's...
I just pronounced it like... Yeah? Well, pronounce this. I don't need a partner. Well? You gonna pronounce it? I'm sorry? Pronounce what I just said.
Sir, if I could just have a second. I'm still... I'm pulling glass shards out. Time's running out! There's a clock now, I don't know.
Ten! Nine! Come on, daub! Eight! Another number! Even more worthy! Quiet!
I didn't hire you to argue about numbers with your **** hanging out. Who's gonna... You're here because I need you to be the faces of crack.com. Congratulations. You're partners.
What? This guy's a complete tool. What? Tool.
Want me to spell it out for you? Yeah, I guess, if you want. Sure. All right.
Point new guy. But it starts with a T. Oh. Okay, I think I see how this is gonna go. Damn you, chief. I'm not a baby and I don't need a babysitter. He's one of the best writers we have. But **** me with a live fish if he's in a yammering nutbag. I think I've never heard that expression before. Here.
You'll want these. This is a net. Like your basic net. You'll want that.
This is knockout gas. It's not recommended, but it's there if you need it. Some wet wipes. There's some snacks and stuff in there. It's a bunch of stuff. He will eat a sponge at some point.
You can't avoid it, so just be aware. And the, uh... The failsafe? I was promised protection. The failsafe is in place. Only use it in case of an extreme emergency. And be careful. Once it's triggered, there's no going back.
I should really move that to my other pocket. I have a key beep thing that's almost exactly like it. Ah! I'll remember it again. Don't forget.
Sway missed to know nothing. Nothing?
Sir, do we have a company pool or did I hallucinate that? It shouldn't be too hard. Oh, hey. New guy. Dibs on partner. |
cracked | is_the_room_actually_a_good_movie_staff_picks_movie_debate | There's a woman, she works at a strip club, she's trying to get more clients, so she gets butt implants. She gets her butt inflated, she goes, she's on stage, she's performing.
There's a man in the audience with a hook hand. I didn't expect, I knew what was gonna happen.
Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks, the show where we are building our dream video rental store. I'm Patrick Willems, joined as always by my co-host, Danielle Radford. And today with us, we have Jordane Searles and Jordan Olds. We're here today in Brooklyn, New York at Film Noir Cinema, one of New York City's last remaining video rental stores, also a working movie theater. It's a very cool place. Because we are still in solidarity with the WGA and the SAG strikes, we're not gonna be covering any movies that would be struck films, we're going to be doing independent movies, which brings us to Best Indie Movie Debuts. And for our first movie, let's go ahead and kick it on over to Jordane.
She's Gotta Have It, directed by Spike Lee. Wow! You don't even know why. It's the first Spike Lee joint. Technically a second movie, but his first movie was made at NYU. So She's Gotta Have It is Spike Lee's approximation of the sexually adventurous black woman of the 80s.
She's like sleeping with three different men and she won't commit to them. And that's the conflict. Her name is Nola Darling, which is a great name, one of my favorite names in cinema. And she's just like very specific. She's just like, I will sleep with you in my apartment. I like my bed. Her bed is like this like beautiful thing. She's got like candles around it. She's like, I'll have sex with all of you, but I will not be your romantic partner.
And it's like the men kind of dealing with that. And there's like a very bougie one. Then there's Spike who plays like the very like Brooklyn one. He knows very into sneakers, rides a bike, all of those things. And then there is the romantic one. The one that seems like most likely to be the romantic partner, Jamie.
And between all these three, she can't choose. And it's kind of just like looking into like the psychology of like, why would a woman be sleeping with three different men? It's crazy. She doesn't want a wife. She's wearing shoulder pads.
It's very much a movie of a man trying to understand something. And he still really doesn't understand. But yeah. You gotta see. It's weird to suggest this movie because it's a very important movie, but it's also a movie that's like based on a premise that's kind of stupid, which is like, why would a woman sleep with three different, very annoying people and not commit to them? I don't know. Maybe because they're annoying.
And Spike became so much about this idea that he's like decades later, I now have to make a TV show out of it. Well, the problem with the show is that like, in a lot of ways it's a little bit more thoughtful than the movie, but I actually, maybe this is controversial, prefer the movie to the show. Even with the issues that are in the movie, I think the issues in the show are kind of worse. There's a scene in the show that has like scarred me for life.
There's a woman. She works at a strip club. She's trying to get more clients. So she gets butt implants. She gets her butt inflated. She goes, she's on stage. She's performing.
There's a man in the audience with a hook hand. I didn't expect, I knew what was gonna happen. I have to hear the rest of this. The thing about it is that like the ass does get popped and pieces of the ass do go flying. So she is a mid-pull trick. Yes. And her butt implants open like the alien coming out of the stomach and alien.
It's so crazy. Cause it's like a horror movie scene. I had to walk out of the room while I was watching it. It's one of the craziest things I've ever seen.
The fact that people talk about that show when that's not the first thing that they mentioned. Yeah, cause when an ass explodes on stage. I'm calling it, I know what you stripped last summer. And it's also just like what? The man with the prominent hook hand at the strip club holding it up like this. She's gonna say, Spike Lee, come on staff picks. Let's talk about it. I just want to understand why he did that. I don't think we can top that part of the conversation. You know what?
I'm gonna toss it on over to Jordan. I picked El Mariachi for my best independent debut. The way in which this is an independent movie that has an impact. I think that it's very important. This movie is made for $7,000. In like nineties money. This is a miracle.
Robert Rodriguez is like a human affliction t-shirt, but. I know that man smell like Axe. Right?
I don't think he gets the credit he deserves for a lot of filmmaking that has taken over blockbuster cinema. He's the precursor to a 300, to a whatever's going on. He literally did 300 two years earlier with Sin City.
Totally. So yeah.
I can imagine for a lot of different people, this makes it feel possible. This is the starting point for me. Wanting to go to film school. Discovering the real, I'm gonna make the best thing ever with almost nothing master, which is John Carpenter.
There's a direct through line to his ethos. Honestly, it's a really fun movie. I've re-watched it. It kind of holds up. It honestly looks like a movie where like Billy Joel is the protagonist and Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age is the bad guy. It has style elements that I like wish he put into his other movies. Cause he's got a very specific sense of humor in this movie that doesn't really show up in a lot of other stuff that I can remember. It's kind of the movie that will always be tied to him in a weird way. Yeah. It's interesting because it's a movie that I also think that because he wrote the book about how he made it is so tied to just the public information about how it was made that he financed it by submitting himself for medical trials that they gave him money for. I remember so many things from that book so vividly.
And the two things that I think are worth highlighting are that his goal with the movie was not for El Mariachi to become a big splash and get a lot of attention. His goal was like, I'm gonna make a movie that'll be like a bargain video rental in Mexico and then maybe I'll get, I don't know, $15,000 to make the next one. Right. And so his plan was just to like kind of take advantage of like this new market to make cheap movies and sell it to them. And then it ended up like blowing up at like Sundance or whatever and then getting him like a Hollywood deal. The other thing, his ethos was look at what you already have and then figure out how to use it.
And he's like, Ooh, I got a guitar case. That's a cool prop.
We'll make a movie around that. He's like, okay, we're gonna have shootouts and we're gonna put blanks in these oozies and automatic guns, but they'll only fire one blank at a time. We'll shoot one gunshot and then I'll just immediately cut away to guys getting shot to make it look like it's actually like shooting a stream of bullets.
And it's like, that's cool. That is like- It's so cool. It's like, the movie itself is like pretty fun. The story behind it is like the greatest story in the world.
Yeah. Sometimes when you do have money, it becomes very easy to just throw money at the problem and great shots like that are things that we don't get if you don't have to combine creator with these budgetary restrictions. Right. All right.
So we're talking significant indie debut features. And so I brought with me George Romero's Night at the Living Dead. This basically created the zombie sub-genre of horror. This was a really low budget movie made by a guy starting out in the sixties and it spawned hundreds and hundreds of things that have come since. And fundamentally what this gets down to is he cracked something like so simple that like resonates with basically everybody. It's a scary thing. A big, a hoard of like lumbering undead things coming to rip you apart is scary. In a way, I guess the knock against this movie is you can blame it for being like, I'm so goddamn sick of zombies. They're in everything all the time, but it's like the movie genuinely holds up. It's shockingly progressive in many ways. I don't want to give away the ending, but I think the ending is one of the things that makes the movie so good. Basically every zombie thing that has come along in the 60 years since Romero made this are using the material that he originally presented.
He literally uses rules. Like he wasn't intending to. He made the rules and everything about like, oh, people trapped inside a house and boarding up windows and all of that, and like removing the head or destroying the brain.
Like it all just comes back to like this one thing. And so like, you know, that's why I have to submit it because it is so foundational to just like modern media and film. Yeah, it's literally like someone's first like movie out is them creating an entire mythos. In a way, he kind of pulled an Orson Welles a little bit, which is like, okay, my first movie, I'm gonna make something so towering that like everything I ever make after that will kind of be looked at as a disappointment. Both of them made great movies after that, but it's like the first one to cast a shadow over everything else they ever did. Yeah, totally. So that's me and Night of the Living Dead. For my pick, I'm going with yet another incredibly, incredibly esteemed independent filmmaker.
Came from nothing, who knows? Because he's such a mystery. We don't know from where he came from, once he came, where he got his money. Why are you laughing at this brilliant man? All we know about him is that he was able to get together a group of fantastic performers, amazing crew, and put together one of the best cult movies that has ever been.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're talking about Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Oh, hi, Mark. Let's get into it. Let's get into how iconic this thing was on every billboard in Los Angeles.
Tommy Wiseau was a man with a dream, and that dream was to make the talented Mr. Ripley. But he couldn't, because someone already had. So instead, Tommy Wiseau got together with his bestie that he met at acting camp or whatever, and like 20 pounds of black hair dye, and made this movie, which he wrote. He did everything. He was a true auteur, aside from obviously, yes, we know what The Room is.
We're not gonna pretend. We don't understand. The Room might not be for you. It's not the perfect movie. I don't know.
I think The Room has something for everyone. I think it does as well. It's got a room.
It has lessons about a... It's got some soft core scenes. It's got a lot of soft core. It's got sex. It's got teens getting in trouble with drugs. It's got athletics.
One of the most important and enduring and lasting legacies of The Room is, and I 100% believe this, The Room is another movie that did teach people I can do this. Yes. Sure did. And it also taught bad lessons because I believe that you can all make movies. I can't stop you.
Because of the popularity of it, and it's kind of Rocky Horror-esque style late night shows in Los Angeles, this reads like sarcasm. It's not, this was a real phenomenon. You don't get a snakes on the plane. That was an example of the studios learning the wrong lesson, which is that they were trying to make something as cringe as The Room. I think there's a way to make a movie like this. I think it does not work if you put in that thing of like, oh, I'm going to try to go, I'm going to do something purposefully wacky and cringy because I want it to get popular. Like that doesn't work.
There has to be sincerity. There has to be people who care. This movie launched a lot of very similar kinds of movies and allowed for people to have a career instead of this like be movie resurgence that started coming around in the 2000s. I've watched The Room so many times in my life. And I mean, like when you talk about the sincerity, that really is the key to it.
I mean, this is a movie made by and starring the weirdest human being on the planet who doesn't know how to make a movie, who thinks- Who also doesn't know that he's weird. No, but he thinks he's John Cassavetes.
You 1000%. I just, I imagine that like that San Francisco thing was like proto the volume, you know? Just get in there. ILM was watching The Room being like, yes, this is the future. It is the future. And this is why I think that that should be what goes up in our store. I think that is a really compelling case for that movie. Folks, it's time for us to decide what makes it to the shelf. Does anyone have any strong opinions about this? Because I think we have four solid candidates. Yeah.
Can I vote for The Room without it just being chaos? I feel like the question here is, do we vote for movies that are like important in cinematic history in terms of like introducing and establishing major creative voices? Or do we vote for one that is objectively funny to see on a wall of staff picks?
Man, seek with that. I do comedy, man.
Like that's not, those are the same argument to me. You just make that same argument twice.
It's the kind of thing, like imagine going into a video store, looking at the staff picks wall and seeing like Spirited Away and Perfect Blue and The Room. Yeah. It is funny. Here's the thing. I love Georges Romero and I made a case for El Mariachi, but I think that Rodriguez is also responsible for a lot of people going to film school who probably maybe shouldn't have. I have not seen She's Gotta Have It, but I think you dunked on that so hard. It's weird because I do like it. I'm just like, you know, I have to be honest about the big issue with it. Also to be clear, the butt bursting is not in the movie. No, I wish it was. I love that we're just referring to it as butt bursting, like chest bursters. It is interesting, like who's like inspired by Spike because I read recently that Wes Anderson's really into Spike. Oh my gosh, some of those, yeah, okay. The way that he influences people, like creates like something completely different because I think his work is so personal to himself and so personal to New York that whenever anybody copies him, it's also like personal to wherever it is that they're coming from. Totally.
My reason for saying I would stick with The Room is that I genuinely believe that in other arguments, any of these movies would still go up. I do think this is the only time, unless we very specifically get a very specific kind of show that The Room is gonna get a chance to go on the wall. And I do think that like from a serious critical perspective, that The Room is a very fascinating look into male feelings and the way in which like, and I mean, there's so many movies are about that, but there's something so raw about the specific things that Tommy Wiseau is emotional about and the things that Johnny is upset about and kind of like, it's definitely for better or for worse, like that this is him like on the screen.
Laid bare before us. And I think that that's really, you know, that's a brave thing to do.
Watching it, it is kind of like an impression of a movie. Yeah. It's a guy who's like, here's how all men behave in movie. Yeah. Men are in movie like this. Men get so mad at whatever, you know, it's so.
The football, the suit.
You're tearing me apart, Lee. Killing himself at the end is such is like. You're tearing me apart, yeah.
Now it's art. It feels like an alien came to earth, spent a week looking at movies and was like, oh, I can do one of those. I could spend like an hour on Lisa alone. Like she's so fascinating. I think you could make the argument that like the best creative influence has come from the earth. I like the really, I like that the really weird idea people's get to go out and have the really weird ideas.
Yeah. I think that that's, I think that there's everything great with that. I think fundamentally The Room is one of the most important movies of the 21st century. Yes. And I think we should put it. It turned 20 this year. It did. And I think we should put it on the wall.
Happy anniversary. You are my rose. Okay, and that ends this episode of Staff Picks with our winner, The Room. I feel really proud of this. I think that we did a great job. Thank y'all for joining us once again, and we will see you on Staff Picks next week.
But there's also a movie that he made called Red Hook Summer, where Nola Darling shows up again. And the way that he like ends her story is kind of ridiculous. She becomes a Jehovah's Witness. Oh, I haven't seen Red Hook Summer. And Red Hook Summer, she's a Jehovah's Witness. His argument for this is that the women who were like sexually open in the 80s, like especially like the ones that were hanging out with Prince and like Donna Summer and all of those people, they were just like, they became very religious later in life. So his ending for Nola Darling is to make her be a Jehovah's. There's like a difference between the life that Nola had and the life that Vanity had.
I truly, I was just like, his brain.
For that movie, folks, it's time for us to decide what makes it to the shelf. Does anyone have any strong opinions about this? Because I think we have four solid candidates. Yeah. Can I vote for The Room without it just being chaos? I feel like the question here is, do we vote for movies that are like important in cinematic history in terms of like introducing and establishing major creative voices? Or do we vote for one that is objectively funny to see on a wall of staff picks? Man, seek with that, I do comedy, man.
Like that's not, those are the same argument to me. You just made the same argument twice.
It's the kind of thing, like imagine going into a video store, looking at the staff picks wall and seeing like Spirited Away and Perfect Blue and The Room. Yeah. It is funny. Here's the thing. I love Georges Romero and I made a case for El Mariachi, but I think that Rodriguez is also responsible for a lot of people going to film school who probably maybe shouldn't have. I have not seen She's Gotta Have It, but I think you dunked on that so hard. It's weird because I do like it. I'm just like, you know, I have to be honest about the big issue with it. Also to be clear, the butt bursting is not in the movie. No, I wish it was. I love that we're just referring to it as butt bursting like chest bursters. It is interesting like who's like inspired by Spike because I read recently that Wes Anderson's really into Spike. Oh my gosh, some of those, yeah, okay. The way that he influences people like creates like something completely different because I think his work is so personal to himself and so personal to New York that whenever anybody copies him, it's also like personal to wherever it is that they're coming from. Totally.
My reason for saying I would stick with The Room is that I genuinely believe that in other arguments, any of these movies would still go up. I do think this is the only time unless we very specifically get a very specific kind of show that The Room is gonna get a chance to go on the wall. And I do think that like from a serious critical perspective, that The Room is a very fascinating look into male feelings and the way in which like, and I mean, there's so many movies are about that, but there's something so raw about the specific things that Tommy Wiseau is emotional about and the things that Johnny is upset about and kind of like, it's definitely for better or for worse, like that this is him like on the screen.
Laid bare before us. And I think that that's really, you know, that's a brave thing to do.
Watching it, it is kind of like an impression of a movie. Yeah. It's a guy who's like, here's how all men behave in movie. Yeah. Men are in movie like this. Men get so mad at whatever, you know, the football, the suit.
You're tearing me apart. Killing himself at the end is such is like, you're tearing me apart.
Now it's art. It feels like an alien came to earth, spent a week looking at movies and was like, oh, I can do one of those. I could spend like an hour on Lisa alone. Like, she's so fascinating. I think you could make the argument that like the best creative influences come from The Room. I like the really, I like that they're really weird idea. People's get to go out and have the really good ideas. I think that that's, I think that there's everything great with that. I think fundamentally The Room is one of the most important movies of the 21st century.
Yes. And I think we should put it- It turned 20 this year. It did. And I think we should put it on the wall.
Happy anniversary. You are my rose. Okay, and that ends this episode of Staff Picks with our winner, The Room. I feel really proud of this. I think that we did a great job. Thank y'all for joining us once again, and we will see you on Staff Picks next week.
But there's also a movie that he made called Red Hook Summer where Nola Darling shows up again. And the way that he like ends her story is kind of ridiculous. She becomes a Jehovah's Witness. I haven't seen Red Hook Summer. And Red Hook Summer, she's a Jehovah's Witness. His argument for this is that the women who were like sexually open in the eighties, like especially like the ones that were hanging out with Prince and like Donna Summer and all of those people, they were just like, they became very religious later in life. So his ending for Nola Darling is to make her be a Jehovah. There's like a difference between the life that Nola had and the life that Vanity had.
I truly, I was just like, his brain. |
dropout | hardly_working_baby_photo | Hey guys, guys, check it out. My sister just sent me a picture of her baby. Her name is Eliza Wilkins, and she is adorable. Oh, wow. Um, yeah, congratulations, David. Yeah, your niece is very photogenic. I know, right? I mean, she is so cute. Look at those little cheeks.
You just want to squeeze them, right? Yeah. Like I said, cute. That it? Guys, is something wrong? No.
Is Eliza like an ugly baby or something? No, you have a very pretty niece. I think she knows it. Excuse me? Your niece is smug, David. You have a smug niece.
Please tell me you see this. See what?
Okay, okay, that's fine. You're her uncle. I'm sure you only see her good qualities, but I'm sorry about this. All I see is an arrogant, stupid baby who I want to punch in her stupid face. It's like what is she so proud of anyway that she pissed herself? Guys, relax.
She's six months old. Six months old. Six months old?
I'm 28 years old, and you don't see me bragging about it every day? She's not bragging.
She can't talk. Can't or won't, because she's too good to talk to us.
Jesus. Oh, Dan, come here. My niece. Cute, right?
Want you to make a lot of money or something? She doesn't have a job.
Vigorous. Trust me, I'm good. They're all assholes. Okay, guys.
Who am I? Oh, hello. Old lady of everything. Calf is some tea and crumpets made out of black gold. Let me guess. You're Eliza. Well, she changed your name to lady of everything.
Because the bitch would do that. But yes, Eliza, you're entitled to a niece who I just so badly want to punch in her stupid face. Stupid face.
Yes, I get it. You two just don't know a cute baby when you see one. It's that simple. Winning. Oh my goodness. Are you guys talking about babies? I love babies. My stepsister.
All right. So I guess you think you're better than me or something. Is that right? Relax, Murph. Yeah, shut the fuck up, bro. Okay. Yeah, I work for a website on the Internet. Is that all right with you?
You fucking slut. Whoa. I'll kill you. You think you're better than me.
I earned this.
Let it go. Shut the fuck up. Don't touch me. Get off me. She deserves this. |
SaturdayNightLive | walters_lewinsky_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | A lot of people don't know what phone sex is. it's a way of being intimate over the phone when you can't be intimate in person. physically intimate. way of being intimate over the phone when you can't be intimate in person. physically intimate. I think I get it. Good. it's fun. it's fun. it's fun.
Yes, may I speak to Tom Brokaw, please? this is Brokaw. Tom, you're a handsome man. a respected journalist. I'm the sweetest piece of man meat in the Nbc deli case. I must ask, what are you wearing? I think you have the wrong number. this is Tom Brokaw. Oh, I know who you are, you dirty little Anchorman. You see, I've had my eye on you ever since I saw your razor-sharp coverage of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. And if you were here right now, I'd tie you to the bedpost, tear your shirt off with my teeth, and then mount you like Mary Lou rotten on a pomahorse.
Good Lord, is this Barbara Walters? Make that Babarello Walters. Barbara, I'm in bed with my wife, for crying out loud.
Don't ever call me like this again. Very well, Tom. But let me ask you this.: Do you think Tim Russet has caller Id? Harry Reisner was right. you are a whore. Let me see. Brian Dennehy? I know. Hugh Downs. been there, done that.
Ah, here's the stud for my stable. Hello. may I speak to Sean Connery, please? This is Connery. state your purpose.
Sean, you've been in so many terrific films. The Untouchables, Goldfinger, and my personal favorite, Dobby O'gill and The Little People.
But Sean, what would you do to me right now if we were naked? I'd do what I do to all women. I'd start with a sexy, open-handed slap. wait a minute. wait, wait, wait.
Who the hell is this? it's Barbara Walters. respected journalist, daytime sensation, and host of the highly-rated nighttime news magazine, 2020. Dirty Timmy missed your bond. let me be your octopussy. Good God. Good God, woman, if I wanted to get it on with an old lady, I'd have sex with my wife. Another bust. I've got to find someone as lonely and as horny as I. Ah, Hillary Clinton.
Yes. Mrs. Clinton, it's Barbara Walters, and I must ask you, did you see my interview last week with Monica Lewinsky? Yes, I did. Are you aware of the part about the phone sex? Oh, yeah. well, I was wondering if you'd like to try a little experiment.
I'll be the man. All right. All right. because man can do whatever they want, and everyone still likes them. Okay, settle down, kitten. settle down. All right.
I'll be a French maid, and you're my stern employer. I come up behind you and grab your bosoms. Oh, yes. Yes. my hairy chest glistens with sweat. Oh, mama like, mama like. I take you in my bulging arms and whisper in your ear, bandover, baby, because life from New York exists. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_Global_Nuclear_Proliferation | To help reduce you to a state of constant panic about a hypothetical doomsday scenario you have no ability to control, we now present The Onion Explains, Nuclear Proliferation. At present, there are an estimated 16,000 nuclear weapons in the world, each with enormous destructive potential. However, the vast majority of them are concentrated in World War II documentaries, currently being watched by your dad on the History Channel. Not only does your dad's DVR house an enormous nuclear arsenal, his entertainment center also contains a collection of DVDs and largely unlabeled VHS tapes with enough fissile material to wipe out humanity 50 times over. In fact, your dad's willingness to share the documentaries with other dads has led many experts to question whether the nuclear stockpiles are properly monitored, and whether it's now even possible to know who possesses a nuclear weapon at all. Because of their immense destructive potential, the world's nuclear facilities are safeguarded by a bunch of really huge guys. We're talking absolutely jacked. With one of these muscle freaks stationed outside every missile silo and uranium processing plant worldwide, there's no way to get anywhere close to a nuclear complex without getting your ass beat. This nuclear facility in Siberia is rumored to be among the most secure in the world because they have like six of these fuckers. And you can just forget about hijacking a nuclear submarine too, because all of them have these totally roided up dudes that'll just swim up to you and choke you out.
The acquisition of nuclear weapons by a terrorist group such as ISIS would be potentially catastrophic with at least a dozen government officials losing their jobs. Secretary of State John Kerry would be fired. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter would be fired. Nuclear Security Secretary Frank Klotz would be fired. National Security Agency Director Michael Rogers also fired. Deputy Administrator for Defense Programs Donald Cook fired. Security experts say that if a rogue state such as Iran acquired a nuclear weapon, it could even trigger a doomsday scenario in which entire departments would be wiped out and would have to be completely re-staffed by what few officials survived. |
SaturdayNightLive | jewish_elvis_snl | Okay, these are very good seats, ladies. I mean very good seats.
Wow, Grandma, I didn't realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean, this is fantastic. Oh, no, the Oasis has it all. a nightclub. a sauna. carpeted bathrooms. carpeted locker rooms. and a steakhouse where everything is well done. except the service. Grandma, what's wrong with Lois?
Oh, my God, he's here. he's in the building. Oh, my frigging God. it's really happening. she's just excited for the show. Yeah, Laura, we all. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kicked things off with a bang. I don't understand. who are you all so excited to see? Oh, oh, there he is. there he is. Oh, my god. it's Jewish Elvis. Aah! aah! aah! oh, my god! aah! oh, thank you! thank you very much. can somebody turn up the Ac? I'm schmitzing like a frigging hound dog up here. what are you getting, though? it's Viva Las Vegas. Oh, my god, I'm so horny, I'm gonna frigging explode. I'm sorry, I don't get it. no, I can explain. he's Jewish Elvis. right, but. clack it. he's about to sing. right, he's about to sing. wise men say, who are these wise men? why are they so wise? only fools rush in. what's the rush? everybody just relax.
I can't help. I could help. I don't want to. I'm tired. my back hurts. I can't help.
Ordering a diet Coke at every restaurant I go to. Oh, he sings like a frigging angel. Oh, my God. I mean, it's a little bit of singing, but it's mostly complaining. Yeah, he's Jewish Elvis. Hello? are you stupid? Yeah, everybody wanted to be you, my little folks. I'm like Niagara Falls over here. like Tara's got a frigging drown. Oh, oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. ruin me. Ow, gross. no, thank you. I think everything bagels got a little too much cream cheese on it. you know what I'm saying? This is the best night of my life. tonight, it is 4.30 in the afternoon. Oh, my God.
I got schmutz all over my suit. was no one gonna tell me? I got schmutz all over my frigging suit. I mean, what is this? what is this, mustard? I'm walking around like a goofball with mustard all over my frigging little scarf.
I mean, oh, my god. this is a Zizaster. did he just say Zizaster? it's his famous catchphrase. hello, sorry, everyone. I'm Burt, the director of the retirement home. No, get your fat ass off me, Fat. Jewish Elvis, you fat a-hole. Ladies, calm down. apparently, somebody broke the toilet in the handicap stall. it's completely flooded and covered in blue. rhinestones. when it's said, there was a man inside screaming, oh, no, it won't go down. this is a Zizaster. Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say? Yeah. hey, what are you gonna know? it's Viva Las Vegas. get off the stage, Fat Dog.
Wait, guys, where's Lois? I don't know. Oh, my God, she's on stage. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. sing it with me, Buddy. my stomach hurts. sing it with me. I've got a bad cramp.
I love you together. I think I accidentally have Gary. Come together, You. we can't go on together. with delicious cheese. it's delicious cheese. we all got diarrhea. from delicious cheese. I'm so glad I got everyone from all of us. Thank you. |
cracked | chip_n_dale_rescue_rangers_review_aka_who_rebooted_roger_rabbit | I wish there was like another button there has to be another well it did because it was like I'm not going live and I was like well that's dumb to be halfway through the intro video so then I switched it over but then I'm an artist I don't know how to work computers I understand sometimes when I'm like like they're like and you'll run out this class on zoom and I don't have 25 kids I'm like where would they all go like I don't I don't like the responsibility how could you fit 25 children onto the internet yeah they shouldn't be on the internet anyway that's right that's true speaking of the internet welcome to crack movie club this show that's like a book club but for movies which are like books but better I'm your host Jordan breeding and I'm joined by only one of my co-hosts Ali because I'm the only person dedicated to the stupid podcast oh my god today of all days to imply that I am not dedicated to this podcast you're ill people like it when podcast hosts are like raw and real right but like they like like to like get to know the people behind the behind the opinions and stuff I'm gonna be I'm gonna be raw and real with you all right now if you ever if you are ever just like a poor sweet young girl and you may be having your infection and you go to your local clinic and they're like hmm we could put you on erythromycin which you've said you've been on and it's been fine but we'd like to put you on chlorothromycin which is clindamycin and erythromycin because we think it's better and you go okay don't do it I want you all to know this is the devil's drug and it's in my system I am miserable I if I could go to the inventor of the drug and if I if I could kick him in the shins for free I'd do it I said him could be a woman women can make bad drugs too it's not an exclusively male thing no it's not I just wanna say like it could be a she and I and I would be equally mad or to kick her in the shins as well I would kick her in the shins 100% so I just want you to know I don't know if we got some chlorothromycin hate in the chat if anybody wants to pop in and share their experiences cuz I'll tell you what I was on Google last night at 4 a.m. cuz I'm not sleeping and everybody fucking hates this drug they all are writing comments about how it leaves it tastes like violin in their mouth and it makes them shaky and sick to their stomachs non-stop and I was like that's me also well I appreciate you still reviewing Chippendale rescue Rangers anyway because that is pretty important I'm doing like a real service here and I understand my priorities in this in this world yeah but don't take chlorothromycin I can't even pronounce it so they're all in the pocket of big chlorothromycin that's probably how this movie was funded because it could be I don't know I believe that they could get away with basically anything at this point they being the women who make bad drugs mm-hmm and run our society yeah well yeah so as we've alluded to several times we watched Chippendale rescue rangers and Ali what is how does it work um in this movie we meet Chippendale as young chipmunks were they and I you get to follow their like lifelong friendship which spawns an artistic career which spawns a TV show of their own but when the TV show eventually comes to a close there are some artistic differences and these two best friends go separate ways one remains in Hollywood trying to like still just like hack it and it's like doing like fan cons and stuff and the other one has gone on to be a insurance agent but then a plot where a friend of theirs goes missing forces them to come back together again where they realize that not only are they good artistic collaborators but really good friends oh yeah it was good and I guess good detectives right yeah as they solve a crime in IRL yeah and right don't they even make the point at some point the I didn't watch the show very much as a kid the the female mechanic yeah whatever is a mechanic in real life and actually can make airplanes or whatever so her character is based on who she is because she says something to the effect of oh I guess my character is just like my yeah it was sort of like meta what where she wasn't like I guess I learned to love it on set she was just like I guess my character is exactly like I am in real life right there's a lot of that where it's sort of like some of it's very justified and some of it's just sort of like a little meta wink wink joke it kind of goes back and forth between the two of those things yes so I'm gonna answer why we're watching it and the reason why that we watched it is because it's yeah again we're trying to be cool trying to be hip trying to be yeah this is what the kids are watching quite literally because it's on Disney Plus exclusively I'm not mistaken yeah and as as some of some people have already responded we actually we asked the people what they wanted and we got like five responses two of which were this movie so overwhelming majority but yeah we I posted it again in the chat and I'll post other places but if you want to tell us what to watch I'm happy to be told what to do so that's why we watched it and also because I I really like the Lonely Island just in general yeah I've really enjoyed their albums I really enjoyed the movies they've made hot rod pop star never stop never stopping and spring Palm Springs have you seen Palm Springs yes that's so good time loop one mm-hmm that's also Lonely Island or I really loved that yeah I mean they didn't write this movie uh no well no I don't think so but the the director is one of the Lonely Island guys and obviously Andy Samberg the voice of yes or Dale is a Lonely Island guy so the the two writers are oh my god I wrote it down and I've lost it Dan Gregor and Doug manned okay they both were writers on how I met your mother Dan Gregor wrote a lot on crazy ex-girlfriend okay but it's they've done stuff together they even did another like reboot e-movie and I forgot which one it was um whatever yeah good well yeah whatever so they didn't write it or whatever but they directed it and were in it and and all that stuff so you know it's Lonely Island adjacent but I mean that was the interest for me it's it's sure yeah sure I can't remember how to pronounce his name was directing it but yeah I so let's just let's get into this because I think you liked it more than I did I I definitely I I was saying that I was surprised by how many genuine laughs I got out of it and not like little like polite chuckles like I guess I'm 40 minutes into blank man so I might as well try to trick my body into thinking we have watch movies like that where I've just been like I don't know around minute 50 I was like I can either enjoy this or not enjoy this so I guess I'm just gonna choose to like turn my brain to the part of this capacity to enjoy this I do not feel like that I like straight out of the gate had laughs yeah I thought a lot of it was really surprising and funny and I even liked the premise of the central conflict which is that in this world sometimes cartoon characters go missing because they are going to be bootlegged so I can make like lots of money off of like crappy direct to DVD VHS which is great like again like I think as a premise super funny it tickled me great sure there are some funny jokes about like the uncanny valley and they also even made it clever where like it was an LA joke too because it was a joke about like the valley but it wasn't like I'm saying like yeah couple things I was like that's really clever that was like a really like somebody walked into the writers room was like shut up I got it and like you know like I could like picture them being like dude that was good yeah really fun cameos like to the point where I was like surprised by what they had the rights to to put into the movie like at one point one of the characters from South Park is in there and I was like South Park like also there was a presumably young woman like a teenage girl dressed as Borat at the fan convention do you know what I mean oh I didn't even I didn't even notice that I was just like these are cameos that are not at all for the Disney Plus audience this is not like for kids right I don't know I felt myself being more often than not surprised by how much fun it was it is like really bogged down by plot like there's just like simply too much plot but when that when I wasn't feeling that way I did not feel like oh I'll give this a chuckle yeah like it was funnier than that that's fair yeah yeah I mean I I enjoyed it in a general sense I don't I didn't feel negatively about it in any way I texted Jesse and you but as it was going by with there were a lot of references that I didn't get because I famously did not have TV as a kid I had a TV that played movies which actually would have made you a suspect in this movie do you remember at one point they were like that didn't air in all right she's like oh yeah my grandma used to tape it for me and I was like Jordan did it Jordan's the murderer I did I did murder it I think I don't know why it just I I laughed some there were definitely like funny things and I think for me there's a lot of things and this is the problem right is when you get this comedy it gets really subjective and it's hard to be like you can have fun about this but you not so much yeah I don't know it's just it's I think things like the uncanny Valley and things like that I was like oh that's clever but it didn't like make me I didn't feel and I still felt dead inside at certain points and I think I don't know just like there were references I spent a lot like way too much time being like is that cop Gumby yeah I guess kind of but he wasn't at some point they call him a Gumby like he's a Gumby esque cop like somebody somebody says that he's like Gumby and I was like so he's not Gumby I didn't watch TV I was like I don't know I think I got really bogged down in all that extra stuff or is like oh I feel like I should know this like everybody's talking about Darkwing in the chat and I'm like I do know that exists didn't watch it didn't happen I couldn't and so there was there were scenes like that where I was like oh that would probably be really cool if I was Jesse I think I think you might be overestimating how much you need to understand about the other IP there's like not a lot of stuff that's like only funny or only makes sense if you've watched Darkwing Duck do you know what I mean yeah it's more just like sort of like a general like throw to be like and or aware of that thing too there's even like a weird little like super super Easter egg in here we're like in the beginning of the movie Dale is gonna do his own spin-off called double O'Dale which is like a James Bond type thing which was originally like in the real world the original title for Darkwing Duck was like double O'Duck do what I mean so it's like it's like little things like that but again it's not like you've missed something in the movie cuz you didn't know that that was just sort of like a you know I mean yeah I think it was more that I perpetually felt like I was missing things whether it was true or not it wasn't like I couldn't track the plot it was more just like is that joke I wonder if that's a joke I wonder if that's something and it just it was just distracting for me as somebody presumably trying to watch a movie though you alluded to this and and I again said this in the text but I was like I there's so much plot that like obviously nobody cares like they do they did a good job with you know they did fun things like Peter Pan giving his backstory is why he's like schlubby and mean now is funny for sure and you know you got to have a plot of some kind but it just felt like there were too many scenes of people getting from one place to another to talk to people to discover the thing 100% and like it's funny because this problem exists in like every movie like it's so funny that it's like this is not unique to this genre do you know what I mean it's not like oh they were trying to make a kids movie but they're making an adult and then they fell into a thing it's like this is the like almost every movie you're like they went too many places and I talked to too many people we even talked about it with um unbearable weight of mass of town right right that's exactly our thing too I was just like there's just got too much complicated in there like we could have just watched him have fun and like it could so like it's like it's clearly just like a script problem a pitfall in general yes but also I feel like it's particularly noticeable in this movie because and this is my overarching question who is this movie for yeah and I don't even mean that in like a sarcastic way where you're just like this would be so bad who's this movie for I'd like genuinely mean like when Disney is doing their intensive demographic research which you know they're doing they're not throwing money behind stuff just because they're like it'll be fun like you know research went into deciding to make Chip and Dale's breast drinker raff get right now that's what I just said right like are they counting on kids watching it of their own volition are they counting on 30-somethings with nostalgia watching it are they counting on 30-somethings who have kids now being like you got to watch this with me we'll both enjoy it do what I mean because either way why all the plot because if it's for kids that's not what kids enjoy about movies and if it's for adults the plot's not all that great so like I guess it like leaves me with a question of like if I was the person who was tasked with writing this movie like you know taking the Disney check which I a hundred percent would do yeah I don't know how you don't fall into these same pitfalls cuz like I just don't understand the target I don't understand the bullseye do you know I mean I feel like well so here's the thing I wonder if at a certain point to sell a script you have to have some sort of to a studio executive who's gonna be like I don't get it there's no plot why would we greenlight it right there there's just something I mean that is literally okay so coming back to unbearable weight of massive talent he literally says at some point which is like our movie should just be about two guys hanging out which is literally what you and I wanted right was the studio will say whatever yeah that we need a kidnapping plot and I think that is though they ultimately do it and they double down on it I do think that is kind of true which is like how hard is it to pitch a movie where you're like it's clerks but it's with Chip and Dale from when you were when you were ten and they're gonna be like that doesn't it's got to have a plot because how else do we get Kiki Lane in there or yeah you know it's just and I think at a certain point what I was gonna bring up is I just saw literally the same day I saw the Bob's Burgers movie and whether you're a fan of Bob's Burgers or not the thing that's great about the movie is they do it's a very similar plot there's a murder somebody goes missing whatever whatever they're trying to solve stuff but it never matters at all and at no point do you care who it is they don't really care like the stakes and even too like if you watch the show the the the whole problem is that if they don't find the person like the store will close but that's been perpetually the case since episode one yeah yeah you're not worried about it and I it just it's just an excuse for them to go from set piece to set piece and you almost never see travel time that's another thing too is like I don't want to see anybody drive a car ultimately unless interesting going on and I'm just tired of car chases just in general but I Bob's Burgers does such a good job of it's just people standing there and they're all talking and they're all saying jokes and it just keeps going you're just like well this is delightful and this movie I think I just wish they didn't talk about trying to solve the crime as much and then too I think I'm getting a little bit I I'm curious your thoughts on this I'm getting a little bit tired of things that are meta at a certain point yes I don't I almost never like stuff that's meta there are definitely some exceptions and there's like some brands of comedy that like just kind of like hit the mark really really well and they're like the exceptions to the rule as far as I'm concerned there was one line in this movie that made me literally out loud go no no no no no no and it's like it like felt like genuinely like a producer note as opposed to like I okay I think this movie is as well-written as this movie could possibly be I really mean that I don't mean that this movie is like perfect I'm just saying that like for the needle that needs to be thread they 100% hit the very small like they got it there's a lot of movies like this that do it way worse than this 100% like I think they have like done a shining example of what this is whether or not you like it whether or not you want to see another one whatever I think they like they like nailed the brief they should be proud of themselves for like what they like did yeah sure there was one line where who is saying it oh it was when the cop who's helping them talks about the raid at Nickelodeon jr. or whatever and she's like telling it seriously and like very earnestly about like how it like almost ruined her career and like put her like you know her like you know fellow deputies in jeopardy or whatever and at the end of it Chip goes thank you for sharing that absolutely bonkers story and I was like it's not bonkers that happens in this world right you have spent an entire movie telling me that this is the base reality of this world what she just told you wasn't a crazy story it was a sad story and so like when characters undercut that for humor and that like a meadow way that's when I go crazy because I'm like that's not true you told me that's not true you should have been responding to that like you were hearing like the plot of heat do you know I mean like and so like that made me insane yeah there were very few of those but like those moments there were a couple of them and they were like really yeah the fun version of that is we've already alluded to it like ten times but the uncanny valley where they're commenting on how weird that early 2000s animation was where he says to the points like it looks real but it looks wrong and as I like I think I think the Beowulf movie or what was the one with Angelina Jolie where they had to like that's Beowulf okay yeah yeah yeah where it's like it looks good but like if they move or talk or do anything you're like ah I thought that was really funny and for what they're doing is interesting like cuz it's building up this world right to your point it's like this world is a world where tunes are real same as us and so there's uncally uncanny valley tunes and there's 3d surgery which is that thing is like I can't remember plastic surgery kind of they'll get 3d surgery for reboot purposes and chip doesn't I will say there was that scene where they were like crawling out of the apartment and the lighting was very different on Dale than it was on chip yeah I will say like overall for the amount of money that Disney has I don't think this movie looked amazing which I can see how for some people who like this is their bread and butter and like their favorite kind of genre would be like a huge disappointment I just can't say I care that much just cuz like whatever but like I can definitely see people who like or like no I love animated movies this is like this like makes my my genre look bad it shouldn't like look great and like it's crazy that something like Who Framed Roger Rabbit has better more integrated cartoon and human effects than this does it was made like 25 years later yeah I will so I don't I don't want to this opens up a thing I don't want it to come across the wrong way but I think is it Kiki Lane is that her name I'm not 100% certain that sounds right but I don't like yes Kiki Lane I kind of think she sucks acting and I hate to do that cuz I hate to single out a person but I've seen her in two things now at least I've seen her in old guard and in this and there's something so like she's just there and like there's even scenes where she's like talking to them but she seems to be staring into the middle distance which granted is not her fault that's not their fault that story about Ian McKellen crying on the side of the Hobbit he was just like I can't act to a ball like and I like I do feel for these people especially when you're younger like newer in your career and like a really bad performance of something like this could like really kill it cuz it's just like she was bad she was looking into space she's got this polar Express I'm not saying that that's why she was bad I feel like an old guard they did a decent job of getting a bunch of like interesting foreigners and like people with crazy accents and Charlie Seron looking like a badass and she just is kind of it's something that she's bad she just is interchangeable with any other actor actress who doesn't have any personality I guess I said that I get that it's it's not yeah it's not like she ruined the movie but every time she's on screen it's just like chipping down like she's just like yeah I have a grandma yeah alright yeah and oh that's the meta thing that I was thinking of that just reminded me the thing that I hated was when they were like wouldn't that be so okay so this is my broader point I hate when meta stuff is used to and actually arguably this happens in the Nick Cage movie is used to excuse a thing that they're going to do anyway which is the idea that like if we say something is stupid and then we do it then it's not stupid anymore cuz I know it's stupid I told you ahead of time that that it would be dumb if I if if the police chief did it and even though he did it yeah and it's like no it's clever because I know that that's a trope even though I'm gonna do it anyway and it's like I totally get that I like yeah I think I I think overall I just like I agree with that and I don't like anything that sort of undercuts the like stakes you've built cuz like I I think it's extremely difficult to like build any sort of tension in any narrative like I think we like take for granted how difficult it is to be like hey you care about this right like we all agree I've set up a world in which this thing is scary and I want you to care about it so the more you undercut it the more it's just like was it worth it for like one joke because like you've kind of like cut your whole tension and everything um so that's just like kind of in general something that I this brings us back to exact same thing that we had with the Nick Cage movie which is I don't care except that you told me I'm supposed to care you know like if your movie is stupid in a fun way and nothing matters and it's just which this is a lot closer to that to be totally fair it is very much I don't think they're trying to drag a lot of pathos out of it anyway that they might I will say in the Bob's Burgers again she think it's just a great movie and show they do a good job of everything's dumb and goofy everything's dumb and goofy and then they choose just like one spot to just like like get you just for a second and it's because nothing else has mattered they just really chose their moment yeah and I really like that as opposed to you know whatever I don't really care about the the cop lady's sad past or the who's betraying who or whatever a hundred and we can't really care all that much oh they're back hold on I was worried that we were gonna get a whole chat without getting naked dot or slash HD dot XYZ stop jerking it's cheaper than tender Wow yeah yeah they have really what I have appreciate about them is that some people get stuck in a rut they are constantly evolving they're constantly changing never left the same headline for us twice do you know I'm saying like like what are what is their name naked HD XYZ like yeah they are not afraid to innovate they are not afraid to change they're not afraid to try new genre well and here's the thing as a as a as an internet person now one of the most valuable tools that we have is split testing titles and they are really appreciate them you know maybe stop jerking isn't enough of an appeal cheaper than tender I already see one guy in the chats like cheaper than tender so you know some some guys might want to see anime boobies or what you know like yeah you gotta you gotta test it that's the only way I appreciate I appreciate they work the work that they do for us yes um I was gonna say like one thing that I did actually talk about the movie see it's now it's different do you love to I think okay I know I've said this before but I honestly think they're watching and I honestly think they are adjusting based on based on what we're talking about I I really genuinely think they are here yeah yeah and they are like participating in a way they have our scene partner yeah yeah they have a family at home they're just trying to provide for and like you know some their parents are like paid those I'm just saying like at first we were like there's no way there's like a real person behind us just like a bot and like now I'm like I've gone full tilt into like there is a person they are funny this is their job it sucks and they are like participating with us in a in a in a way they are like our scene partner right that's what the internet's all about is making new friends where are you gonna say about something besides the sex oh yeah um okay so like the meta e jokes I don't hate our ones that like comment on a style or a genre and don't necessarily undercut like the plot or stakes that you're like trying to build sure like any of the things that were like ugly sonic as being like you existed he wants his own movie funny I would that is technically meta humor but it's like meta humor that exists within this world and doesn't necessarily like contradict anything else you've told me about it you're not like undercutting your own world to tell me that that's true it's like it's a it's a meta joke that makes sense in the narrative it's one thing to be aware of reality outside the movie and and and adjusting that to fit into the reality of your movie it's another thing to say this movie exists and you exist and I'm gonna hop back and in and out basically but like even like a fun audience awareness that was like kind of meta like all those like every time ugly sonic was talking and it would like stop and zoom in on it's like horrible little nubby teeth like it has an awareness that that is something the internet was like the teeth yeah and so like it's playing into the meta and it's playing into our like awareness that like we all decided it's weird and it's being like and the characters think it's weird and so like it comes across as a funny joke because like I think we've all just sort of done like a silent handshake on like being like I agree this is true did it like that line that's like he's got polar Express eyes everyone talks about that like it though those are jokes that are meta but still like within the world I don't know it's only things where you're just like haha I am the police chief which you would have thought was totally too obvious but it isn't I'm like you just like worked really hard to like make a whole story and now you're like just telling me like you idiot we're watching a story and I didn't I if they had undercut it and then said you would think it's the police chief but it's actually somebody else that would be at least somewhat more engaging but again it's that thing where it's like I don't I don't care who did it at all so I wish you wouldn't talk about it just yeah whatever the police chief did it I was actually interested originally because I did think Kiki Lena done it because I caught the the Albany like oh my grandma taped it thing yeah I was like she wants that is weird yeah and they actually built a decent little oh that'd be kind of interesting if the character that I don't care about but happens to be I've been told is nice is bad but they didn't do that yeah why the other the other stuff that like was fun again I'm not gonna be like wow this got a huge good thought and be like funniest thing I've ever seen but like when in the beginning of the movie Chip is like it is so sick and degrading when they make cartoon characters wrapped just out the show that they're current and then they get like sort of pimped into it but they're both really really bad at it I think that is the way to play a famously unfunny joke do you know I'm saying that's why I'm saying like I think these writers a hundred percent hit the bullseye of what this movie is I don't know if you could have done it better I don't love that joke but enough for like in a movie where that joke like a hundred percent has to exist and like is true is funny for kids you know I mean like I found the funniest way to execute a famously unfunny premise do you know I'm saying I actually think that if I had to guess I think that's coming from the director and from Andy Samberg already I'm just saying whoever whoever's like yeah that was like they nailed it they found the funniest way to play a thing that everybody hates in the movie yeah they did do it a couple of times then at the end where they're like wouldn't it be so lame if we had I think it's Post Malone or whatever do the rescue Rangers thing but serious and then they do it you're like I don't think it's clever you're just explaining what you're doing it's like I don't know so I didn't love those but yes you're right I actually really that was probably my favorite part now that I'm thinking back is the rap part because it was so stupid yeah and the fact that like one of them was so bad and then the second one joins in and they're just as bad and fall into the same trap immediately I was like that's funny like I love it like this is my favorite kind of joke in a movie but like yeah yeah if I have to watch this stupid joke like this was the funniest way to execute it it's kind of it just so you know it reminded me of some Lonely Island stuff but it reminded me too of inexplicably the flight of the concords they're live stuff they do this one where they they do a freestyle rap in the middle of I suppose hip-hop eponymous yeah where he he's like he's like I'm just saying things coming off the top of my head he's like picture New York picture New York big fat crazy picture New York and he's like sometimes when I rant I lose confidence fucking funny that kind of thing to me I was like oh it's like the thing that I like which I think is probably mostly the appeal of this movie anyways yeah oh it's like a thing I guess like that is overall my question of just like I think that's funny because I have the history of having the misfortune of seeing this in movies a hundred times right like like I've been alive enough and I've seen enough movies that like I've seen the part where this happens in a movie a bunch of times and I appreciate how funny it is that they found a way to do it and undercut it at the same time sure is it funny for kids do they like it is it funny I don't know I and I really I'm not again this criticism or this question I guess is not me trying to be like I think this movie's bad don't have that joke I like I genuinely wish like if I was like if I was like here eight-year-old yeah watch this movie I would love to know if they like love that part or if that part like is like I just did like nothing to them right this is why I'm having all these children to hopefully when this podcast is still going in ten years that we have a broad sampling of children to run these films past yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna make my kid watch Titan and be like okay so what do you think it's about cuz we're still arguing about yeah a decade later still confused about what she wants from the car I don't worry I'm gonna get my kid on the case yeah I am actually interested for that stuff a little bit because right now sweet my daughter is going through a kick of watching the spark shorts which are the Pixar animated shorts but really sad they're all sad and she loves them and she's like why is the why is the baby floating I'm like well cuz he has autism or something I don't even know how to explain that to you but she's like why the dad yelled at him I'm like it's hard sometimes sometimes adults do things cuz we like our own past that we're drawing on and we like aren't proud of our actions but we don't know how to break out of the rut yet and she's like that was funny how the baby floated I was like yeah nope it was she's like I want to see the dumpling one yeah I saw the dumpling one like in theaters when it played before Incredibles 2 I think maybe and I was having a rough week and I cried so hard at it that I considered going home I was like do I really want to see Incredibles 2 so badly or like can I maybe just tap out of this one I don't know it got me I don't know why I was having a tough time there's a sad one it's gonna hit me harder and harder as my kids get older and older and less dumpling like and want to leave me for their for their hot spouses I wasn't gonna say Incredibles 2 is great yeah I like Incredibles 2 I like Incredibles I like Pixar movies they're always good have we watched one yet did we like do that I don't think so no we we don't know what we're doing so that's started we started with perfume and now we're watching Chippendale rescue rangers oh no Naked HD is going so hard give me a break okay listen hey Naked HD if you are in the chat I just want to say we're now in third beats you've been blacked out you're done three times is when the joke comes back and we're done now so you can't come back I'm so sorry like if you want us to keep you in good standing and you want us to keep talking about you and like welcome you back to the chat and like not immediately block you would actually bring you up you have you have to understand that we are engaging in the rules of comedy here now you're done you've played your character out let's see yeah why don't you push us to a different type of website something yeah yeah no you can reinvent and like have a new joke but like we've we've like an in the sketch of this character you're done now I'm so sorry yeah all right well you got any other big things that you wanted to hit I didn't have there wasn't a lot of depths to mine from I know I definitely like I was gonna say like I I do wonder how they got the rights to all the things that they got the rights to especially Shrek because the Disney DreamWorks relationship is a fraught one yeah so like that like I was like hmm don't know how that happened I assume they can't just call everything a parody and be done with it that's what we try and do with everything maybe I again like I I would like an answer to that just cuz like there were so many likenesses in it and some of them were like you know some of them were like oh yeah Sony I'm sure Disney has a relationship with Sony whatever and then some of them were like oh DreamWorks Disney does certainly not have a relationship with DreamWorks like there's like a long-standing feud there I don't know how that happened you know yeah yeah so I'm just looking up a little bit of it now basically what they they had a bunch of things that they did have to switch around for that like originally instead of Peter Pan they wanted Charlie Brown that's funny but it fell through especially because as somebody mentioned in the chat earlier the original Peter Pan voice actor also had a bunch of problems and died from drug use at 31 so that's sad so they thought it might be in poor taste but I guess they went with that anyway I don't know why they didn't go with Charlie Brown and then the other one was yeah instead of ugly sonic originally they were gonna do Jar Jar Binks which would have been that's also funny I do really like ugly sonic I like that like that's where we ended up it was really funny and that it was like Tim Robinson like it just like all felt right do you know what I mean it was like sort of like a marriage of character and fuck weirdo I was like that's this all this all feels correct to me yeah and I feel like Jar Jar Binks has some of the there's some like kind of racial stuff that feels weird the actor went through some really rough stuff and like it's like I think I think they made the right choice yeah I mean I guess they have the rights though yeah cuz they're Disney so they have everything Star Wars but yeah yeah I didn't really necessarily have any other thoughts yeah there were a couple there were a couple jokes that I was like oh that could have been funnier I guess and then they surprised me and like actually pulled it off like there was a moment when like they were like looking for the the bad guys layer whatever and they got in a dress three three four four main street and in my head I was like that's a weird missed opportunity for some LA centric joke they like they could have found something way funnier than Main Street and then it was Disney Main Street and I was like oh no point retracted you are like you are absolutely funnier than I that I expected and you've been even that I like said yeah I just was like I do think again my real umbrella for this thing is like I don't know if this is a kind of movie I love but like yeah I think this is a shining example of how to do this movie I just don't know if I like I like it and I don't really know who does but like right this is a really good example of how to do it yeah yeah yeah I think so yeah at no point was I like I hate this movie and I wish you would stop but I at very few points was like I'm so happy I'm doing this it's just kind of like here we are I watch a thousand movies this is gonna be one in three weeks I won't remember anything which is fine I mean again solid it would have been fun if my daughter had been there laughing at the fart jokes or whatever but like I guess I'm I guess a question I'm asking is like let's pretend we're six years in the future and somehow this movie is still like in somewhat of enough of the general consciousness that your daughter's like daddy watch this with me I don't think he'll be bummed no do you know I mean I don't think you're gonna be like oh my god of all the children's media I'm watching this tonight I think you're gonna be like oh yeah this make me laugh and then maybe you guys can share some laughs together and be like look at us laughing on the couch in a movie to be a dad like I feel like that we're far enough into life now that truly there are so many incredible kids movies that don't necessarily require a ton of meta zany wacky references like 90% of the Pixar stuff and just tons of the animated Disney classics for the 90s and earlier it's there's not a world in which I'm like honey you're finally old enough I'm so excited to share with you chip and frickin Dale reboot I guess I guess more like as opposed to you being like I'm so excited for you to watch this with me more like if this got put on in your home cuz like yeah you might not be there yet but like the overwhelming opinion from my friends who have kids is like we let them watch blank once and it was the biggest mistake of my life yeah now it's only that in our house and I hate it and I want to die and so like I don't think this is like like if if this happens to be the thing that your kid was like I love it I love it I want to watch it again you wouldn't be like I'm gonna I'm gonna jump out a window you'd be like okay I don't love this but like ultimately this this it could be a lot worse than it could be something really horribly loud or yeah yeah fart jokes or like something that like just like you really hate like doing I mean this feels like sure not particularly hateable although to your earlier question why in the world would my daughter pick this movie she has no connection to the frickin rescue Rangers great question and that is and again I don't know why I don't choose this I just think if they did you'd be like okay but I don't I don't understand what kid with no connection to this franchise and IP goes that one we got to watch that one today yeah yeah I guess they're chipmunks in it that's fun maybe they're a fan of the alone Leon all right so we're gonna do some of your comments that that Brian tagged so if your comments not in here it's Brian's fault Sam cremines pointed out what you pointed out he's got this polar express eyes great line yeah that was they mention the cult of gadgets is is that the name of the female yes now here's what I think and actually would put many on I think if Jesse was he was here I think if Jesse was here he would know the dark and freaky backstory of this I don't yeah this is a moment where we really needed Jesse's perspective as a person who knows all this sick and twisted shit on the internet I we I think we are severely lacking in his perspective tonight yeah yeah well that's what I was saying yeah when we're watching this movie I was like this is for you ostensibly a 36 year old kid who grew up with TV you would have you would have loved this but I don't know anything about the cults of gadget I assume it's gross it must be there's simply no way it isn't if somebody gives it it's like no it's it's an inspiring young it's it's a way to inspire young women to become mechanics I'll eat my hat it most certainly can't be that all that fan fiction about women getting into stem it's really yeah it's empowering the graffiti Miles Morales I miss that is that true so many Easter eggs wait what are you saying that the there's Easter eggs in Enter the Spider-Verse or there's Miles Morales I think they're saying that there is an Easter egg in this movie where the graffiti that Miles Morales does at the beginning of Into the Spider-Verse is in the movie I missed that and I like love Into the Spider-Verse that's true when was that in the movie I don't know and I'm not gonna we'll find out some other day that's funny though I like love that like I think like again like that is the kind of thing that I would be like I love that that appeals to my your three-year-old nostalgia okay it leads the more gadget fan art which is what we were already talking about I'm so sorry I'm just it's just one of those things I'm not gonna same thing I don't want to we probably I don't want to no offense truly I just don't want to know more I just I just I just don't want to take another step down the path I think I won't like where I end up so I'm just like I'm just like yeah I just I'm disengaging yeah smart thick mclarge is huge you know we need out that naked HD is more creative than the makers of Chip and Dale they're definitely neck and neck they should talk and they also not jinx it haven't commented again I really think they were like watching and participating well we Brian has been blocking like crazy so I know but they haven't come back to be blocked since I was like hey you did it we're done now um I think they might be our new podcast host sorry Jess you're out I'm getting naked HD Noah Ramirez watch the movie stoned I do believe that that's who I respect this I like you know what I mean like when you see a comment like that you're like god bless you have a great time the Seth Rogan meeting Seth Rogan Pumbaa and dwarf it is funny that is there's those references like that are definitely very funny yeah eight-year-old did not like it or thought it was forgettable honestly Aaron that's the perspective I was hoping for this is the hard-hitting journalism you can expect on this podcast hell yeah hell yeah however counterpoint of your old autistic son loves the movie he's watching every day this week and frisky Flores if I may ask do you mind like I understand that watching the same thing over and over might be annoying but like is this the worst thing to watch over and over every day this week or is this kind of like a a win-win for the fam and they haven't responded yet so we'll wait I don't know what this means I'll just put it up for a second swat cots Brian flagged it it must be a thing from somebody's childhood I'm looking also the coke bear being a villain was good I agree I think it was weird weird 90s cartoon was it the coke bear or was it just the I guess it was the coke bear I don't know I haven't seen Polar Express all the way through so I don't know what's from that and what's not no that was like you know like it was like the animated bear from all the coke pole advertisements I know yeah yeah I just didn't know if there was also a polar bear in polar I don't think so it doesn't matter they're right I'm sure you're right all right we're gonna do some alt titles we do some all titles I only got one and I only got one yeah and send the titles who rebooted Roger Rabbit oh that's good mine was chip and Dale in the multi-verse of madness that's actually what one of our in the in the multiverse of meta Oh better improvement on the joke fantastic Andrew thanks I'll put that down that's pretty good we also got chip and Dale meadow oh whoa naked HD is back and they blew it bro cheapest tender just for sex amazing somebody doesn't understand the tenants of humor and then I like this chip tuck I love that it is technically it is technically Dale tuck right isn't Dale the one that got the surgery yeah but it's a really funny still good I do really like that a lot oh I have one thing about the movie that like just kind of bugs me in general and I think it might just be a me thing the fact that this movie was like we were just two guys and then we moved to Hollywood we did some background work and then we got our own show I was like no I would have loved like truly I would have like had like real enjoyment if they had shown me like how they got famous like maybe they were like weird alt comedians maybe they did stuff like Lonely Island and did like funny music video type things you know I'm saying like the fact they didn't show us why Chippendale got famous made me crazy I like it was such a miss our journey for humor they would you know they were wacky if they were sitting behind Mariska Hargitay in an episode of law and order like Jones and they didn't get funny they didn't get famous for doing wacky shit I wanted to see it would have been so fun if they had found a way to like justify how they got famous whether it was like coming up through like a like a UCB type school system or maybe they like didn't have they had a long-running improv like night maybe they made something that went viral on YouTube like they like they had such a missed opportunity for like yay we made two bucks nobody cared why they were so famous that they got their own show as a duo how does that happen I don't know but I think it's funny that we got you made us more money on this on this comment then we've made the whole frickin stupid I love it I'm obsessed I like I don't care people tell me I'm wrong I'm just saying that like I really think there could have been something funny in there and I think it even could have been meta in a way of it like like being similar to somebody like Andy Samberg I don't know yeah no disappointed it I I agree with you at least in so far as like we already have the perfect buddy cop live-action hybrid movie and who framed Roger Rabbit so why not take it different and I get that rescue Rangers I guess is the same thing but like it would be interesting and we've had a couple of this too I guess there's only so many plots in existence but going through their showbiz could have also been very interesting yeah totally and they did a little bit but to your point that could have been fleshed out and could have been just as funny without necessarily having to make it a murder mystery I mean we've even got that with like that Muppet or wait am I thinking of the Muppet the joke one with Melissa McCarthy or whatever I don't know oh yeah that one was like a crime one yeah yeah that's the funny thing oh my god more money yeah they're being mean but they're giving us money so it's hard I mean like I don't know you're saying sarcasm okay sorry you're not being mean you're being very kind yeah yeah yeah I just like I don't think it's happy time murder I just don't think it's a joke I think it was just sort of like an oversight on this writing unfortunately whatever it's yeah it's it doesn't obviously matter either way I was just gonna say really quickly and Melissa McCarthy one of my favorite running things is that every time that she's in a movie a it sucks it's terrible and everybody hates it it's almost every single thing that she's made that's not Gilmore Girls or like um bridesmaids or ridesmaids or spy I love spy are kind of the the exceptions but I looked up there's at least four if not five rotten tomato summations of her movies that say though Melissa McCarthy is like the most talented whatever she's wasted oh yeah wait she was in that Oscar movie she was like an oh my god what's it called it's called like sorry for ending things what's it called hmm like she had like Oscar buzz for a wire a while sorry to not sorry to bother you ah I'm sure she's a delightful person I'm just saying that she's in so many movies where the tagline is that she's wasted in it you start to wonder or she's at least not good at picking projects so yeah or they offer okay the movies called can you ever forgive me that's the movie it was it was like a she had buzz and it was like a really really well reviewed music movie but notably it was not a comedy it was a it was a drama where is it where is it can you ever oh there it is 2018 yeah okay I mean it's even she's really bad at picking projects or she gets offered so much money to potentially save a project that's going to die on the cutting-room floor unless they get a huge star and there's like give her a billion dollars and she just takes the projects because she's like I don't care I'll do happy time murders like who cares do you mean like yeah yeah I mean so I'm just looking through it now it's like you won't need super intelligence to steer clear of the latest forgettable comedy to fail to take I mean and that one has been important in it too so talk about talk about making sure people won't see it thunder force is an egregious waste of its co-stars talents yep let's see the kitchen I bet it says something similar I'm sorry three talented leads struggle to prop up a sagging story it's just like she deserves some blame this is something I care about for no reason you want to blame her for it I honest I don't care um I just think it's a funny a funny thing that keeps happening and that's it we should probably be done we probably should have been done earlier but we're still less than an hour I'm feeling good about that yeah I feel good all right let's wrap this up where do we find you at the thing under your name yeah I think under my name at miss Alice nutting on Twitter and all the other places to honestly I want to remind people not to take clarithromycin the antibiotic mm-hmm yeah this is my thing now I actually would advise all of you to take double what's recommended because I work for the clarin my city you're in you're in the pocket of big clarithromycin I swear to you I like feel fine otherwise but my hand is shaking I have like shaky hand okay well if book if Eli's to go on that means you're a cannibal I might be that's what they that's what they make them all do I feel like people's hands are shakier than they suggest in that movie right I know all I know is that mine are shaking right now and I'm just like that's just like a thing now and you just like for me want some blood human meat all right you could you could find me at the underscore J underscore breeding which is a Twitter handle you're welcome for the podcast you're welcome to the podcast that was anyway we're live streaming every Monday at 1 unless we're not at some point we're moving to Thursdays but maybe not yet so who knows a next week I also don't know what we're watching so I really have nothing to say we have a newsletter you can sign up for a crack comm slash movie club and I'll pin something in the comments where you can look at this you've given us like nine dollars Canadian you're very sweet which I feel like maybe we're in like a one of those little pretend rivalries where it's just like or maybe he really hates me either way we're getting money from it so it doesn't matter is it nine dollars Canadian like seven dollars American it's like blowing up anyway I think that's it I was gonna say oh I'll pin a link to where you guys can vote on another and by vote I mean just just write it in what movie you want us to watch we're gonna watch old at some point M night Shyamalan's old but it just depends on whether we have guests that want to watch it's literally anything else that's it okay we're going bye |
SaturdayNightLive | dateline_the_truth_saturday_night_live | Tonight at 10 on Dateline Nbc, a Keith Morrison Special Investigation, real-life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations. Ronnie Taylor was just a fun loving guy on a Saturday night until he pulled into the wrong place at the wrong time. when I walked into the convenience store, I saw it was being held up.
Oh no. one of the robbers pointed his gun right at me. Oh, he shot me. shot you a dirty look? No a bullet through my neck.
Then the story of Sally and Chris Bingham and how their dream wedding turned into a living nightmare. we had just gotten married. Oh, you liked it so you put a ring on it. Yeah, I guess. at the reception everyone was dancing and suddenly the whole roof just caved in. Oh no. was that supposed to happen? No. luckily no one was killed. Oh well. one guy broke both his legs.
And finally an interview with The Face of Evil. I sit down with convicted murderer Carl Collins. yeah, my big thing was I would take old dudes and kill him. Oh, kill him with kindness? no with an axe. then I cut him up into pieces. then I grind him up in a meat grinder. Yes. then I put him on bread and eat him. I guess you could say you had yourself a man-witch. Yeah. Tonight on Dateline. |
TheOnion | Failed_Musician_Comes_Crawling_Back_To_Hometown | Well, folks, look who came crawling back to Pennington. That's right, Jeff Statsky. Just four years after leaving town to make it as a songwriter and musician on the East Coast, Mr. Hot Shit himself, Jeff Statsky, has returned.
Locals are simply stunned that Mr. Ambition himself would deign to move back to Pennington, the town he once said, quote, wasn't big enough for his music. Oh, King Fancy Pants Statsky didn't become a big famous singer. Gee, what a shocker. I bet this wasn't part of his big plans when he broke up with Bethany or whatever and left town to go chase his big dreams.
Welcome back, Bagsky. Tuffy's Bar is even planning a welcome home party for the would-be Bob Dylan. We got a nice cushioned stool for his precious little East Coast ass.
Hey, Jeffy boy, we got the radio on, we're still waiting to hear that big song of yours. Where is it?
Local business owners say Statsky might have just as hard a time finding work here in Pennington as he did when he was trying to be a dainty little songsmith in Coolsville. Oh, sure, I could set him up with a job, no sweat. Oh, wait, come to think of it, we don't have any openings right now for tambourine shaking pansies who got dick slapped by the big city. And Sheriff Stevens says he's making sure that Jeff finds out firsthand the meaning of small town justice.
I've written them up four times this week for speeding, loitering, disturbing the peace. You've got to keep your eyes on these big city degenerates. Hey Jeff, do they have those electric light bulbs on the streets back East? Do they have indoor plumbing or do they just crap on the streets like we do here?
According to a friend of Jeff's mother, Little Rockstar Wannabe apparently decided to come crawling back after his long-time girlfriend committed suicide. Well, maybe that will give him something to write about. Prick. |
cracked | why_star_wars_a_new_hope_will_be_studied_for_millennia_earthling_cinema | Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid.
This week's artifact is Star Wars, a documentary about life in our galaxy, just with all the names and dates screwed up. For instance, it should start a long time from now, and we don't have the Force, we have big eyebrows that link us to a shared consciousness. But other than that, pretty accurate. Star Wars tells the story of a whiny teenage humanoid named Luke, who just hangs around at home and doesn't have any friends. His family buys two of the least helpful appliances on the market, and before you know it, their house is destroyed. They run into Obi-Wan, Luke's nosy neighbor who won't shut up about how he knew Luke's father, which Luke somehow didn't know despite living next to this guy his entire life. Also, how does Luke not know what the Force is? The Jedi were basically running the galaxy like 20 years earlier.
They hit the club together and meet Han Solo, an intergalactic party boy who either shot first, or didn't shoot first. Who cares? Next, they go to an even bigger club, and fight over a girl. Obi-Wan forgets his ID so the bouncer kicks him out, and the rest of them get all worked up about it and come back to trash the place.
Finally, they have a very long, oddly wordless ceremony where Luke and Han get medals, but Chewie doesn't. Neither do the other surviving pilots, or anyone else who helped plan the attack. Tough break losers.
Story-wise, Star Wars has many influences, most notably Joseph Campbell's monomyth, or hero's journey, featuring steps like The Call to Adventure, Crossing the Threshold, and Hitting on Your Sister. It also draws from previous films like Akira Kurosawa's Hidden Fortress, which uses two lowly characters to propel the story forward, and numerous westerns, such as The Searchers, in which a guy sees a thing on fire. The film also has religious and metaphysical overtones.
The Force is something that requires faith, a human concept necessitated by crippling mental insufficiencies. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster. The ethos of the Jedi is reminiscent of Earth's Taoism, which teaches that there is a force called the Tao behind everything in existence, from trees, to toxic waste, to seahorses, to horses. It surrounds us, penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together. Lao Tzu wrote in the Tao Te Ching of an energy that gives people life, yet claims no possession. It is the steward, yet exercises no authority, kind of like me with my kids. Obi-Wan tells Luke to trust the Force instead of technology, since when have old people ever trusted technology? In contrast, the Empire puts all their faith in the Death Star, and rallies behind a guy who is more machine than man. This cold reliance on technology leads to chaos and destruction. Whereas living in harmony with the natural world leads Luke to victory, and a more heartwarming kind of destruction.
The Empire can trace its roots back to Earth's most successful ideology, fascism. The Imperial generals wear clothing that resemble Bavarian Chevalgors, which were all the rage in the spring of 1915. Many communists and fascist regimes used black and red as their colors, most notably the Third Reich and the Miami Heat. Also, Stormtroopers is what German dictator Alfred Hitler called his personal bodyguards during World War Z. And spoiler alert, Watter means father in German.
Noooooo!
Visually, Star Wars is a pioneer, combining influences like Metropolis and 2001 to create a rich tapestry sewn together with state-of-the-art special effects. It also makes great use of color, often using it to express duality, because what else are you going to use it for? As if mirroring the film's moral structure, Vader and the Empire's upper echelon members all wear black, whereas Luke and Leia wear white. Han wears black and white together, because he's a bit of a bad boy. The Stormtroopers have a white outer shell, but underneath you can see the black, suggesting the facade of benevolence that hides the Empire's more sinister motives.
The film's legacy is monumental. It marked the end of 1970s cinema, which was more focused on pointless frivolities like substance, nuance, experimentation, theme, irony, etc. After Star Wars, the movie industry shifted its focus towards special effects, explosions, action, and butts. It went from complex conflict to stories that had a very clear and elementary distinction between good and evil. The difference is that good people are super serious, and evil people laugh all the time. Furthermore, Star Wars ushered in a new era of monetization, with sequels, merchandising, blog clothes, toys, spin-off novels, comic books, and video games, all of which directly led to the extinction of the human race. The moral of the story is, if at first you don't succeed, just keep at it. The first three Star Wars movies were a pile of hot garbage, but by the fourth movie the series finally hit its stride. And the one that came out last week wasn't bad either.
For Earthling Cinema, I'm Garyx Wormulary. If you'd like to see a special episode on The Empire Strikes Back, follow me over to Wisecrack by clicking here. May the 4th be with you.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video that was about dogs, I want to say, or subscribe to our channel, or share this video to 788 as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | i_love_fall_more_than_you | I'm so glad Autumn is here. I know. There's just something about Autumn that resonates with me as a person. Right, you like it, but for me, it's something more. Not more than me. See, I embrace the feeling of a frosty morning chill fading in the afternoon sun. Right, a comfortable temperature. But see, I love the fall because I love the sound of dry leaves crackling underfoot.
But for me? For you? For me? For you?
I love the color bursting forth from every tree. Oh, you mean the thing that powers all of New England tourism? That's what you love? See, I'm a brooding mystery because I love the macabre darkness of Halloween. Oh, you mean the closest thing modern Americans have to a bacchanalian orgy of delight? I've claimed ownership over the season and no one else can love it more than I can. I can. I love the way the world looks when it's dabbled in golden light. I love the sound of rain tapping against the window.
I could smell cinnamon every day for the rest of my life. Apple cider, apple sauce, apple rinds. Old man wearing a plaid shirt sitting on a bed.
Sitting on the carpet melting the whole team. People are having a rush out.
Missus is looking around. Light piles of gourd. Echords. Crisp assets. New dabbled.
I am made of pumpkin. I am a scarecrow. I love fire.
These assholes are the worst part of fall. Seriously. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_the_holidays_hottest_tips_snl | It's Christmas time in New York, which means millions of tourists will be coming to see what holiday magic the Big Apple has to offer. here. With some tips on where you and your children should go, is our city correspondent, Stefan.
Hi. Hi hi, Stefan. it's an exciting time, isn't it? I know, right?
So many Republican candidates, who do you pick? Okay, so Stefan, A lot of families are making their way to Manhattan to have some holiday fun. Are there any places you can recommend?
Yes. Yes. yes.
Yes, If you're looking to get festive with your family, I've got the perfect place for you. New York's hottest club is Hey! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this battery-park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Say Jack and this place has everything. Tweakers, skeevies, spud web, a child, and a Russian guy who runs in the treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend. the bouncer is a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley and the password is diabetes. Stefan That sounds like a very cool place and I'm sure that yeah, I'm sure that people exist who would enjoy hanging out at a place like that. But since New York has so many holiday holiday holiday sites to see, maybe you can think of something more traditional for ordinary salt of the Earth people to check out.
Yes, loud and clear. If you're ordinary or love salt, I've got just a spot for you. your hottest holiday club is could you, uh, could you use that in a sentence for me? In a sentence? Yeah, let's go to because the line is too long at Spa Free. Okay, that was a sentence, thank you.
Opening Condemned in 1904.
The seasonal Psych award is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer and this place has everything. Kiwi's Spud web. Yeah, Cleo awards some guy's mom. There's a special showing of the African holiday classic a fish called Kwanzaa.
Look who just walked in. It's a lady who works at Cvs, but do not bother her because she is on break.
Doctors Without Boners. I would never despair to charity and I'm sure that Doctors without Boners does amazing work.
Not really, but this is not what I was looking for. Trying my best. You're right, I shouldn't get mad at you. I I just get emotional around the holidays to find you know my family is all back in, New Hampshire, and I don't get to spend the holidays with them anymore. I I guess I just miss them this time of year. I'm sorry.
I never knew you had a family. I just thought you were built by gay scientists. I know what?
This year. I'm gonna get you a Christmas present. Oh, well, what are you gonna get me? a human boombox? What's a human boombox? it's that thing of when you carry a midget over your shoulder while he sings gangster rap. That's just what I've always wanted. Happy Holiday Set Myers. |
dropout | our_ideal_president_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Guys today we got a great one from, do you remember who? Yeah.
It's Jonathan Hargrove. Jonathan Hargrove.
Great name. Great suggestion. All around. Great guy.
Today we're drawing ideal presidents. Our ideal president.
Yeah. It's on the horizon. On the cusp. Oh yeah. It's about to get Supes political. Yeah. Up-ins. It's reaching a cultural zenith. Saturation. We got people announcing their candidacy. Left and right. Yes. And I mean, soon that's just going to be.
Are you running this year? Am I? Yes. I'm running as a write-in candidate. Oh yeah? Yeah. I think we should, do you want to run together?
Or like you kind of like, do you need like a VP or like what? I feel like, I mean the VP, I feel like is, do you pick a VP before you get the nomination?
I don't. Okay. But I feel like, just like, no, but like.
What if we both run and then agree that if one of us gets the nomination, the other one can be the VP? It's kind of like, you know, if we're not married by the time we're like 35, we'll marry each other. We'll marry each other.
Right. Yeah. Let's do that. All right. So here's the deal. If we're not president by the time we're 40. Right.
We'll marry each other.
Perfect. I think. I think the prettier first, the pact may forever be unbroken.
So I'm drawing, again, ideal president. Ideal president.
You know, we're going to, we're going to get political here, guys. We're going to, we're going to share very controversial political opinions that, you know.
And I would ask. It might, it might piss some people off. People on YouTube are very opinionated. You might get a little TO'd. You know. But that's America. We're going to try and piss off as many people as possible, at least. So, so you won't be alone. Yeah. We also know that we don't have any real political sway.
Or knowledge.
So our ideal president, it's, it doesn't matter. Hey, not my ideal president. Hey, not. That's what my bumper sticker says. Not my ideal president. Not my ideal fictional president.
Can't wait. Can't wait for that bumper sticker to hit the market. So here's what I'm doing. I'm drawing.
Wake up sheeple. You're half sheep. Did you not realize that? And you're asleep. You're, they just want them to wake up. Yeah. Wake up. I want a sheeple friend and all the sheeple are asleep. They should call him sleeple. Wake up sheeple.
I want to play with you. You're so fuzzy. You're a fuzzy but you have a person head? I think that's pretty great. I want to be your pal.
I'm going to fix this hair. Sorry. Okay. So I'm, I'm, it looks.
It looks like a lady. This is like a lady, but she's got a strong chin. Uh huh. Which I think you need to be a woman in politics.
That's a chin. That's a leader's chin. That's what that is. That's a leader's chin.
Uh, go back. Lead with your chin. Go back through history.
All the great presidents had great chins. Um, Alexander the Great, why do you think they call him that? Because he was a great chin.
He wasn't a president. Well, he's like a world president. I mean, is it kind of like. He's a world president. Yeah. He wasn't democratically elected. No, but like, I mean, he won through a democracy of blood, which is, you know, valid.
So anyway, I'm going to, I think that maybe you guys would like figured out, like this is, um, you know, this is Helga, uh, who presidential candidate for, uh, 20 XX. Maybe you figured out. Yeah. But you think that maybe you figured out what we're doing here. You haven't. I'll tell you why. Yeah. Um, I think that in this, in this upcoming election, what we're going to need.
Dual president. A double president.
Yeah. Uh, think about it. Then you get twice as much done. Uh huh.
It's a big job.
Like you, you got to do a lot. You have to talk to a lot of other presidents from around the world. You got to make appearances. You got to, you know, fend off, uh, nonsense, uh, reports.
Yeah. You got a people jumping on bandwagons and like the thing about having another person and I don't think these guys are romantically involved. I don't think, uh, but like, well, you think about if you've got like another president to like, watch your back. If you're like, I'm going to sleep with the interns like a fun buddy president. Yeah. And you're, you're, you're broke. Your co-president is like, I gotcha. Don't worry. Like you, you do. You all handle these bills. I'll handle all, all veto this one. Yeah. But I'll sign this one. Oh, I do.
But co-president. And I think that the fun thing about having a lady and a male, uh, uh, co-presidents is that like it, they got like a will, they won't, they won't.
Yeah. And that's, that's going to be fun for pundits to talk about. Also, this guy has an eye patch. Oh yeah. Yeah.
So it's like, what happened to him? It's like, what? That's like a cool mystery. Like a cool mystery that will probably be like, maybe he's like, hey, if you guys elect us, um, I'll tell you what about my cool eye patch.
Right. And everyone's like, shit, I want to know about that eye patch. Right. It's like, yeah, it's a fun, like, it's like a kickstarter. Yeah.
If you, if you get me elected, you get, you get some free bonus content. Do you want to, do you want to keep drawing these presidents?
Yeah. All right. Cool. So, um, I think another, uh, thing that I'd like to see at least in a president is, um, facial hair. Oh yeah. Come back. I'm just, I'm just sort of going to draw over what you drew. Oh, okay. That's fine. I'm sorry. I, you know, I just laid the base there. Like, yeah. I still, I still, I'm going to keep this little, this lovely chin line. I just dug the hole. Put the condo right on top, man. Come on. Yeah.
Let's build our dream house. Let's build our dream president.
That's what we're doing here. Cause that's not how a facial hair works. Oh, whoa. And this is, this is already, like you thought it was controversial up top that they, that we were electing two presidents at once. Yes.
But also they, uh, it's a bearded lady. It's a bearded lady and a, and a, a bearded fella. A bearded fella. He's going to have like sort of a jaunty stash. Do their, do their beards connect?
Oh, they should. Okay. Yeah. So like that's, oh, that's their bond made flesh. Yes.
It's like vote for us. Uh, we're literally connected. Cause like, when was, when was even the last time we had a bearded president?
It was Benjamin Harrison. Benjamin Harrison.
Like the 1900s. You know, everyone's favorite president of Benjamin Harrison. You'd have to have been like late 1800s or early 1900s. It was early 1900s.
And then it's, I was looking at Wikipedia page for this recently and like it's actually, you can see like it goes, he's the last bearded president and like the next couple just have mustaches. Then we got, we got Taft and, uh, and, and Teddy, Teddy Rose had, uh, had stashes. I don't think, you know, I said they should connect, but like, I don't want to, they look so good. Oh, he's got them like handshaking.
Yeah. They have a special, this is after they've been sworn in. Yeah. Uh, and like people were like, the only way we're going to let you guys swear in is double president is if you, if you interlock your hair forever. So it's like, this is a bond, uh, that they will serve our nation as the world's first double president. But also, um, they're also just, uh, one, one being. Oh, they are. Yeah. Oh, I didn't realize that. This is real.
Will they want that? Will they want they, I don't know what, I don't know what the will they, or they won't they is. I mean, you know, if they want to start like touching the other side, I guess.
Like hand stuff, I guess. And stuff.
Yeah. And just like, I feel like our, like a lot of people rag on our current president because he's, you know, not two people. He's not two people. Yeah. He's also like, they say, they say he's wimpy. Right. Is that, is that a thing? Yeah. I wish he washy, I might say. A bit of a mugwump, if you will.
I think we need like a muscle president. Oh, muscle president. What is this president's name?
Like they have names individually, but together. That's Helga and that's, uh, and that's, uh, Franz Helga and Franz. Two very American, all American.
Yeah. The underweight. This is like, um, you know how Captain America was like a experiment to make like the perfect soldier. Yeah. They're part of an experiment to make the perfect president. Yeah. And it worked in flying colors.
I think together, their name is Thrill Clinton. Thrill Clinton.
Yeah. I like that. They're wearing a collar, but also no shirt. Yeah.
That's my favorite look. It's like Chippendale. That's my favorite. I wish that look would be more acceptable anywhere other than at Chippendale's or in a Final Fantasy game, because I love it.
Cause like people, people have always given the president, like it's, it's a hard job. It's unforgiving. But if we had like a super buff president, like people are going to think twice before they just, they just say stuff. Yeah. And even though that the president could kick my ass, there's no way I'd be like ragging on his policies and like, can you imagine this president going up to like Putin and being like, Hey, fucking chill. Right. Hey, we need, we need a president tougher than terrorism.
Knock it off. I'm going to punch terrorism.
I got, hey, I got, you know what, I got Congress and I got the house of Republicans. I got the Senate and the house of Republicans. House of, House of Republicans. God damn it. May as well be the House of Republicans.
Am I right? Thank you.
Okay. I just wheelbarrowed right through that. Yeah. Oh, I see. They have a ripped off shirt. Yeah.
It's a rip. It's a rip off.
Why are their necks so thin? You know, they don't want. They neglected them. They don't want to be. They skipped neck day. Well, it's cause they, they need their necks to be a serpent, serpent-like to stretchy.
Do they? Oh, because they're reptilian. Cause they're right.
Like all presidents. Yeah. Like a lot of presidents, I think most of our presidents are reptilians, but this is I think our first, first openly reptilian, openly reptilian president.
That's so brave. That's so brave of them.
I think, I think it's time. You know, I think it's time.
Are you just drawing their, like their lizard hands? Yeah. Just draw some.
And they're like, I vow to, you know, keep taxes down, you know, like make sure that the wealthy are like taxed appropriately and also to sink the earth into the deep mire of, uh, that, and just like finally allow the lizard people to overwhelm the earth. Who have been lying dormant. Yeah. For so long. To sink, to sink civilization into the deep mire, uh, that dwells within, within this planet and allow losers to finally get their share. And also education reform, a little bit of both, a little from column A, a little from column B. That's what I, you know, we're gonna, we're gonna, you're not going to be able to bridge the, uh, the, the, the aisle unless you can actually straddle the aisle.
It's crazy. Which is what this president can do. It's crazy that everyone voted for this president. It's not crazy to me. This is a great. This looks like a great president. Uh-huh. This is a president I get behind.
I'm just picturing Fox News being like, well, I don't, I can't say anything bad about him. Can't think of it.
I'm voting for him. I already did. I'd like to, this is a president I'd like to have a beer with, you know, and just like. This is a president I'd like to have.
I'd like to do a lot of things. We like to have a beer with them. Uh, I like to be bench pressed by them. Uh, I'd like to be sacrificed.
You know how most presidents, uh, like kiss babies, like this president just like straight up babies. It eats babies and then like straight up bench presses mommies.
Oh yeah. All right. Yeah. Kisses babies, bench presses the mommies, and then it eats them both to fuel, to fuel it's cold, cold blood. Yeah.
I feel like it's like the, I feel like, you know, everyone's like, you know, everything's like cool and hunky dory now, but it's going to be like, you know, three years into the term and oh, uh, president throw Clinton has been basking on that rock for two weeks. Like while the country falls apart, quit basking on rocks. President thrill Clinton.
I mean, we should definitely get him a heat lamp for their, for their office. Oh, who's going to pay for that? The taxpayers going to pay for all these reptilian heat lamps. Yeah.
That's, you know what country's falling apart. It's literally falling apart. It's falling deep within to the earth via the, the huge crevice that opened up after the reptiles took over.
I'll tell you what, I thought this was going to work out, but, uh, you know, I don't feel so confident next time I'm voting for, I'm going to Republican next time I'm going, uh, amphibian. That's the, I'm voting for that cool salamander, the cool salamander, voting for new, I'm voting for new, uh, can we end this now?
We're not going to make a better joke. No, we're not.
Thanks guys. Uh, this has been Drawfee show. Be sure to check out our channel, youtube.com backslash drawfee, uh, vote for us as best YouTubers in the fictional poll. We just made up. Uh, thanks for watching and we are very, very sorry.
America. Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Thank you guys for watching our video. If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here. Uh, and if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here. Uh, and if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching.
We're sorry. |
TheOnion | Wes_Welker_Preparing_For_Week_8_By_Running_Head_First_Into_Parked_Cars | When someone else has paid to crack the pistachios for you, you know you've entered the owner's box. I'm Perry Bigwell with a special Thursday Night Perry Preview. Wes Welker owners should feel confident starting the wide receiver against the Chargers tonight, after he spent all week running head first into parked cars after practice. I know he's had a slow start to the fantasy season, but Welker is putting in the extra mile to reproduce the same ear-wringing, skull-throttling action he can expect in tonight's game. The wide receiver told OSN, quote, This week I've taken some good shots from a couple of big Jeeps in a Hummer H3, so my head feels more numb and ready than ever. He's even darting out in front of Peyton Manning's SUV when the quarterback tries to drive home. Folks, you've got to make sure Welker is in your lineup tonight. But the moment he gets another concussion, drop him. Later RG3 says he expects to play his first game back for Washington in a full-body boot. |
SaturdayNightLive | drugs_on_campus_snl | A new grad school is gonna be tough, but no one said it was gonna be painful. God, my backpack's so heavy. I don't know what you mean, as my back, like, falls off from the pain. it was so nice of Professor Collins to assign double reading this weekend.
Remember having a life? No, what's this life you speak of?
Hilarious, Douglas. Zachary's not stressed at all, though.
Well, I gave myself a little treat before a weekend in the trenches. Troy gave me a shroom chocolate, and I micro-dosed. Oh, nice, how do you feel? Honestly, dude, perfect. never done it before, and the hype is real. you're joking, right? no, I took a little piece right after Greek lit discussion. oh my god, you're high! say more relaxed, What's the issue? um, you're high on drugs? don't talk to drive tomorrow? I ate a chunk of a mushroom. I'm not out here shooting up heroin. yeah, that might raise an eyebrow or two. it's not funny, Lucas! wait, dude, it's not a big deal. don't touch me! he's your distance, he's tweaking! You guys, this is the only time I've ever done drugs since I took like half a molly in high school. So you're relapsing. come on, let's go to Campus Medical Services. they have resources there to help you get clean. you guys, he doesn't need help. yeah, until he od's on micro doses. honestly, you guys should try it. Oh, really? you know what, actually? I'm getting really high off this new crazy drug called playing a sport I enjoy.
Up top. Pickleball doubles with my mom's best friend, Patty. Hey, Zachary, look, I found a place your life is going in the garbage.
Oh, I did not know how straight edge you guys were. I'd rather be straight edge than sharing mushroom needles with a junkie. Yeah, come on, guys. let's leave Zachary to do his doses in peace. go grab a hot pizza pie and some frosty sodas. now that sounds good. extra cheese, pepperoni, and no mushrooms. Come on, guys. why are Clay and Sasha so, like, 1990s Psa about drugs? I know, I guess the dare program, like, really worked on them. it's just weird, because they both drink every night. Yeah, weird.
Anyway, you guys want any shrooms for tonight? Oh, yes. yeah, right on. you guys coming or? come on, guys. what? So you're dealing now.
Yes, Clay, I broke bad. I'm Uc Irvine's El Chapo. there is a Campus Safety officer. I'm sorry, Zachary. someday you'll thank me for this. Officer, officer, he micro-dosed a mushroom. Buh. What? Officer! Baggy of drugs, Please. No. Zachary, we're only going to ask you this nine more times.
Give us your baggy of drugs right now. it's not even a baggy, it's a chocolate bar. Wow, he's so high. he thinks his drugs are a chocolate bar. Mm, yummy. you are so high, You think this is chocolate? mm, and it's disgusting, too.
Now I think it's time to get that hot pizza pie and some frosty sodas. yeah, and no junkies allowed, methinks. Come on, guys. come on, guys. I don't wanna hang out with those guys, but I do think we should see what happens when that kicks in. Oh, yeah, we should wait up, guys. see you later. thanks for watching. see you next time. Bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. |
cracked | 3_cursed_christmas_toys_from_your_childhood_with_fascinating_origins_wait_a_minute_what | Missed out under the microscope ah the holidays are here again although it's felt like 600 years since the last holiday season I'm feeling particularly cheery this year or at least I'm forcing myself to feel it because so as I'm pondering up my own Christmas list this year of all the things that my family and friends could buy me that would probably still leave this hole in my heart empty I don't ask for much for Christmas I really don't I decided to reflect on the weird toys of holidays past that once brought little me so much joy upon digging into said toys of holiday past I quickly realized wow these toys that I grew up loving have insanely rich back stories in the 1950s kids wanted simple things like tops and pogo sticks and the polio vaccine but since then toys have definitely left an intense cultural mark on us so I decided to do a deep dive on all the toys we were somehow obsessed with as kids and I'm going to call them out for their elaborate ranch and sometimes bizarre history we can't start a bizarre toys list without mentioning the coveted Furby everyone wanted those little owls gremlins freaky chickens I couldn't tell you but I can tell you that despite their freakiness and my insistence that they were possessed because they worked even when you took the batteries out I needed them however my obsession with them wasn't just a fluke when they were first released in 1998 they were on everyone's list upon their release in October of 1998 right before the holiday season they sold over 1.8 million furbies and basically quadrupled their sales in 1999 to 14 million not only did they make Time magazine's top 100 toys of all time but they became an homage to a stranger yet simpler time period a true icon of a generation transcending the crazed toy world and fully entering our pop culture the computer history museum in California made the Furby a part of its permanent collection Furby became a staple in various art installations and were even considered security threats having been banned by the Pentagon and the NSA because they feared that they recorded sensitive information even the FAA was concerned that having a Furby on board a flight could lead to a Furby led hijacking but why how did they rise to such fame so quickly well it began in 1997 when the Furby's creator tiger electronics led by toy inventor Dave Hampton went to a toy fair trade show where he encountered Tamagotchis and was struck by an immediate flaw you can't pet them why have a digital pet if it's going to be digital I guess so he brought on another inventor Caleb Chung and together they crafted the creepily cute digital butt furry gremlins we know and fear today no one knows why they were such a cultural phenomenon but we do know they have rich and specific backstories for example Furby's are very sensitive they have big hearts they are very ticklish love having their back rubbed love hugs and love being held they are not afraid of the dark they like to hide but love to be found they love to dance Wow I really identify with that am I a Furby feed me Furby's also speak a specific language called Furbish and they could eventually learn English over time however Furby eventually declaring its love for you wasn't enough to keep the phenomenon alive as wild conspiracy theories started to develop around the toy people began believing that Furby was more advanced than it actually was claiming it was teaching their kids swear words and even seeing Italian operas unprompted it didn't help when tiger electronics got cocky and aided these conspiracies Roger Shiffman the president of tiger electronics at the time once told CBS that they believed they were going to create a Furby that could drive a car and that Furby even had the power to fly a shuttle to space hmm maybe my theory that my Furby was constantly possessed and would talk to me from my dark closet after I took its batteries out were the exact theories that also contributed to its demise but I swear that happened to me despite tearing up the market for four years with tons of variations different colors eye colors even ages Furby became essentially obsolete by 2002 although their references in pop culture have continued on it's almost as if they were just a weird furry 90s fever dream tickle me Elmo it was a rocky and strange road to becoming the coveted toy we know today originally tickle me Elmo by Taiko toys was deemed tickles the chimp and you guessed it it was a little electronic chimp that would laugh when you tickle it doesn't sound too different from the toy it's become today but how did it get from essentially unknown to a toy that was sought after so feverishly that a Walmart employee had to be hospitalized because he was bulldozed for it on a Black Friday creators run to Bren and Greg Hyman saw little success with their ticklish chimp but found success in the idea of a ticklish toy Sesame Street approached them and asked them if they could apply this technology to an Elmo doll and bam tickle me Elmo was born becoming the most sought after toy of the 1996 holiday season in fact it was so popular that stores would undoubtedly receive hordes of people showing up and begging to pay any amount for the toy since most stores didn't anticipate the toy success and were vastly under stock a black market even began emerging where people were selling a $30 toy for upwards of hundreds of dollars Taiko's modest estimation of stock led them to eventually having their team members charter private jets to China to personally get more tickle me Elmo's quicker as mobs around toy stores everywhere were increasing and becoming more restless but getting the rights to Elmo wasn't an easy feat do Bren had drafted upwards of 15 versions of the tickling toy before it found its final shape before gaining the plush rights to Elmo he of course had the chimp but they also had Looney Tunes rights so they came up with tickle me Taz that's right tickle me Elmo was originally tickle me Tasmanian devil they originally wanted to tickle me Tweety but with all the other Tweety inspired toys there was apparently an oversaturation of Tweety's and Looney Tunes was trying to push other characters for their spot in the Sun but with business being business by the time I was headed to the market they had lost their Looney Tunes rights and we're back to the drawing board with Sesame Street where they eventually were approved to use Elmo the lesson here being incessantly tickle your dreams and eventually they will laugh so hard they will surrender to your every will but how did the idea of a tickling toy even come about de Brent says the idea came about when he was in a park one day and he witnessed kids on a playground endlessly tickling each other and it said it sparked his memory of being tickled as a kid how much he loved to tickle and be tickled by the end of 1996 tickle me Elmo was one of the most desired toys if not only the year but of the 20th century they sold upwards of 1.5 million Elmos and that number has grown ever since in fact the tickle me Elmo toy is predominantly responsible for making Elmo one of the most loved characters he is today despite going through a few different voice changes over the years with Kevin clash stepping down due to allegations of sexual assault so yeah the person who helped increase and gain Elmos popularity during his prime years was an alleged sex offender that is just something I'm not blaming Elmo for but I also can't unlearn it so now you have to know that cabbage patch dolls I don't really remember having cabbage patch dolls because I was too busy collecting microscopic trolley pockets but I remember them existing and people loving them cabbage patch dolls originally called little people pals were adoptable dolls with birth certificates who had and still have to be honest a huge cult following cabbage patch dolls were created in 1976 when Xavier Roberts discovered a German method of making dolls that involved fabric quilting and sculpture that dated back to the 1800s and was a skill that was passed down and continued as a tradition in Appalachia by 1978 Roberts created Dexter and won a blue ribbon for him at a craft show in Florida it's safe to say that Dexter is a little creepy but I guess in a cute way he makes five total of these dolls and opens a factory called Baby Land Hospital in Cleveland Georgia which is still one of the top attractions in the area today and is still officially known as the birthplace and the adoption center for cabbage patch dolls now here's the origin story that seeped into children's minds via an original animated series first cabbage patch dolls became cabbage patch dolls because they quite literally according to the show grow from cabbages the cabbages are then pollinated by bunny bees a bee bunny hybrid by dropping magical crystals onto them finally birthing the children as big old walking babies with no parents that's weird but fine also willing to buy it however as we know cabbage patch dolls are adoptable dolls so theoretically without you and your parents fighting for them as gifts they become parentless babies what happens to parentless babies and cabbage patch dolls well according to the show they eventually end up in a goldmine working as child laborers for an evil old woman named Lavender McDade whose whole mission is to kidnap unadopted cabbage patch kids and turn them into slaves and then sing songs about it yeah so the show's message was quite literally if you don't adopt these babies they become slaves and it's all your fault no wonder parents literally were rioting at toy stores for these things I bet they were tired of hearing exasperated pleas from their kids about saving the dolls or whatever despite and maybe because of the show's bizarre origins cabbage patch dolls pretty much became an official American culture icon making their way onto our stamps into celebrities and their children's arms and representing us in everything from sports to space their popularity has steadily continued since their birth in the late 70s with over 130 million born and adopted in the last 32 years so like a hundred have been born since we first started this video should I be adopting cabbage patch babies did this just turned into a Sarah McLaughlin commercial as we reflect on these strange toys and their phenomenon I can't help but think that all these toys have one thing in common they were really hard to get at their inception kind of like waiting for a really long time at Shake Shack makes you think well hey it must be really good making people wait for something no matter how stranger niche they inevitably want it more or hey maybe these toys really did hit on our heartstrings in ways unknown either way these toys have made a mark on us and have become American household staples are there any strange toys that you know way too much about what toys shaped your childhood let us know in the comments below also happy holidays every six point eight seconds a cabbage patch doll is born and while they're not alive they are just sitting at babyland waiting for you to donate |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Clancy_Overell_The_Betoota_Advocate_Editor_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE | You've stepped into the last video store, a beautiful mythical place with every single film aligning its many, many shelves. I am the clerk of the last video store and my name is Alexi Toliopoulos and it is my honor to serve the people of this fine town, Batutah, with their cultural and filmic and cinematic needs. Joining me on the show today is a Batutah local, a bit of a local celebrity, a bit of a local character. It is Clancy Overall, the editor of the famed newspaper, The Batutah Advocate, and him stopping by means a lot to me. It feels like I'm being finally welcomed into this town and becoming part of the fabric. We're going to pick out some of his favorite movies and I'm going to bestow upon him a bespoke recommendation based on his choices.
Where will we go? Well, we're about to find out. Let's hit play. Welcome to the store, my friends. I've heard about you. Well, yeah, we've met before. Yes, we have. I've heard about what you've been doing down here at the last video store.
Of course, it could only be in our beautiful town of Batutah. A cultural hub for you guys, I understand. Yeah, it is. And, you know, we obviously as a newspaper man in the world of print journalism still to this day, I guess we're kindred spirits. Absolutely. We're both in forms of physical media. You love to make those page turners every day and I love to see those discs going into the hands of the local community. Well, just the concept of paper and disc also, you know, suggests that we are both of a bygone era, but not in this town. Not in this town. We are still the current culture. We're what's happening, baby. And I think, you know, and discs and paper go together. After all, the sleeve that goes inside the disc is made of paper itself. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we are getting into the weeds a little bit.
But, yeah, I guess that's your game. That's my game. You know, my game is the news. And I say game recognize game right now. We're two games recognizing each other's games. Games recognize game.
Yeah. And it's great to have another Greek in the town. I'm not Greek myself, but my mate is, who runs Samios Grocers. Oh, of course. Uncle Samios. You call him. You're Samios. Yeah, it's beautiful that I go in. That's where my vine leaves from. I'm sure he's heard about you.
Oh, we're a small community here, the Greeks of Batutah, but we all get along just so passionately. You'll be walking around the Greek neighborhoods, the Greek quarter here, and you're here smashing plates and you go, my God, these people must be fighting. No, no, no. There are weddings happening in our community every single afternoon. I love the flight path district. We go down there a bit, you know, because the flight path district in Batutah is one of those places similar to any other flight path district than any other major metropolis around Australia in that the Greeks and the Vietnamese live alongside each other and have done for generations and do not acknowledge each other's existence.
It comes down to shop fronts. We've always said that. Behind me next to the...
Savlaki.
And one day some maverick is going to emerge of the two. Well, one day the kids are going to hook up. That's what's going to happen. That's the only way it can happen. That's it.
Romeo and Juliet star. Oh, gosh. Which is a good movie.
But, you know, I'm very grateful to be here in this town. I'm very grateful to be here. We love having you.
It's been my dream to come back behind the counter. It was where I got my career started in film distribution, was as a teenager working behind the counter in a lovely little art house video store in Sydney. And it's actually been my dream to get back to that forever. Honestly, if video stores were still everywhere, I would 100% have been working at one nonstop for my whole life.
If the medium hadn't changed. So do you think by virtue of the medium changing, you had to then find another job in this space? I probably did.
I was like, fuck, I better become a comedian. I better become a comedian. Better become a film critic so I can watch movies elsewhere.
Personal question. Of course. In this era, this golden era of yours, which was obviously at the back end of the golden era of video stores, but you managed to catch a little bit of it. I caught that last little whiff. Were you partial to a little bit of the? The reefer? The riverina rolling, as we call it? Well, I would tell this, I'll be honest. I'm on the record here. I guess it's past statute of limitations.
I used to blaze that shit up every day. Yeah, I used to smoke a joint on my way over to the video store. Because that's synonymous with video store clerks is cannabis. That's it.
Because it was slacker lifestyle. Slacker lifestyle.
So I would get off. I'd roll one up. I'd walk to the bus having it as a chuff. Then I'd kind of relax it on the bus. Then I'd walk back to the video store from the bus stop. And I'd be like, OK.
Now I'm in the perfect zone to just put movies on a screen all day. I'd be always watching. We had these great sets. And they're like prime physical media for guys like you and I. But it was these director's collections of music videos. So it would be like Jonathan Glaser, Michelle Gondry, Spike Jones. They would have these big sets. And you would just put them on. And you'd watch them all day long.
And it would be the best thing to put on. Best thing to put on all day.
Yeah, yeah. You're actually a member that predates my existence in this store. So there's no need to sign you up, Clancy. You've already got a system here. I'm checking here. You've got a few late fees, though.
Yes, yes. Oh, my gosh, OK. Yeah, I used to get away with murder with the last mop. Oh, gosh, OK.
It looks like you owe us $657.50. Again? $657.50 in late fees.
Well, the thing was with the last bloke, he just kind of let that roll on. And we'd kind of- It's quite the tab. Yeah, we'd talk at Christmas time. And it's not Christmas time, so you- Well, I'll come back to you around December. Yeah, yeah, let's do that. Let's just kick the can down the road, as I like to say. Interesting. I won't go too far into your records here.
But you've got La Haine. La Haine?
You've still got it out, it says. Yeah. Oh, no. I gave that back. I'm sure of it. OK, well, I'll check the shelves later. All right.
Great flick, La Haine. Great flick.
It looks like you've got a lot of crime classics in here. But we've got a new member combo. Because you've come back into the store, I've taken over. I'm going to give you access to the new member rental combo one more time.
Right. One new release, two weeklies, plus a snuff pick recommendation from me unto you based on your taste. OK. As evidenced in your selection. OK, all right. Head on out and pick up those flicks. Well, there we go, Mr. Tollyopolis.
What a beautiful stack of movies. Your new release is peeking out at me straight away. And this is, I would say, one of my favorite movies in the last few years as well.
Dare you say what it is? The Quiet Girl. Drama. I can't tell you how they say it in Irish. But, yeah, it's called The Quiet Girl.
2022, it came out. I believe so. Yeah. When did you first come across this movie? I think I must have read somewhere that it was an award winner. There was something somewhere.
And obviously, if you've read The Batutah Advocate, you'd know our newspaper's constant references to the Emerald Isle. We've been there. We have a close relationship with a similar newspaper over there called The Waterford Whispers. They're great fun. And we go and catch up with them from time to time, a similar format. And I guess similar humor and similar kind of characters we find in the Irish. So you find a kinship with the Irish people. There's a kinship there.
A lot of Australians will say that. A lot of Australians will say they are Irish. Yeah, which is not true. Especially the ones that say that they're Irish Catholic convict stock. Very rarely the case, because there were Irish in the first fleet and the second fleet, but not many. Not as many as people would suggest when they say that that's their ancestry. I feel like it's a real shock for Australians in Ireland, because they think they're going to be met with a very similar...
Being brought in. Obviously, the humor and the interests, and we were all raised on the same stuff, a little bit of Britain and a little bit of America. Little Britain. Yeah, Little Britain.
Computer says no. There we go. That kind of computer. That kind of stuff. We love that kind of humor.
The Irish had the similar influences growing up. They had the Simpsons, but they also would have got in-betweens, Mr. In-Betweens and James Bond and those kind of things. But it is a rude shock when you go there and you realize that they're not larrikins. They're a bit more dry. And you learn their way pretty quick. They're very proud people, and there's a big sense of, and I guess it comes from their history, there's a class solidarity thing. They're very good at dissecting class, except for maybe Alan Joyce from Qantas.
He seems to have lost those skills. He's ascended to new heights.
Whereas the South Africans, great storytellers, we have some sort of a hemispheric relationship with them, but you would never put them in charge of telling a story of Angela's ashes. No, I can't imagine that. And probably the British either. You wouldn't expect them to do that. A lot of people can't really interrogate Rich Dad Poor Dad like the Irish and do it in a way that makes people feel comfortable and maybe have a laugh.
And I think have a laugh, but also they're very emotional films, I think these. I think that a lot of Irish art is expressed through that emotionality of them. And a quiet girl, you use the word dry, I would say this is the opposite. I was sobbing wet watching this movie. Because this is one of those ones that absolutely access my heart on such a deep level. It's basically a film, and it's like a class story as well to a degree.
It's about a girl who grows up in a family with lots of siblings. There's a new sibling on the way, but she's quiet. She's kind of the dark horse of her family. And she gets sent off to live with aunt and uncle or a cousin for basically the summer. And they've got a little bit more scratch. They've got furniture and shit like that. A quiet place in the house. They've got something and they don't have a child in their life. So they have room for this girl to be part of their family.
And oh my God, I actually am a bit lost for words when I talk about this movie because I think it is so just so wonderful and so deeply moving to me. And it's just one of those great films about childhood that understands and captures perspective really well because you see the whole world through the eyes of this girl and it's all in the Irish language. So it's very immersive in just going like understanding who this person is, how they see the world because you just get glimpses of an adult life. I actually find it unlike anything that I've ever seen come out of Ireland or that part of the world. It's very much a foreign film, not just because of the language, just because of the kind of mannerisms and the relationships that you see on screen. The stoicism is so authentic, I feel, but it's not something I've ever seen and could relate to.
But that part of the world in what, mid-80s, 1980s in Waterford, County Waterford. So down the bottom of Ireland where it would have been fairly remote and fairly hadn't been globalized in a sense and the poverty, like to think that that was happening. People were getting sent off to live with relatives and stuff that are only like a little bit more well off than them.
It feels like such a, like it doesn't feel from that era. It feels like something from like the 1940s and just, it kind of captures like that, this kind of warm sorrowfulness or this warm melancholy that does feel very Irish. I just think it's so beautiful.
I saw this at Melbourne International Film Festival and I sat next to a colleague. We were not very close or anything, a friend of mine now, Jared Richards, another film critic. And by the end of the movie, we just looked at each other just completely wet face because we were just crying and probably since then we became friends because of like sharing this like really beautiful experience with each other. It's from writer-director Colm Bayard and it stars Catherine Clinch, this nine-year-old girl.
I think both of these suggest like hopefully huge careers for both of these people. Yeah, I mean, but maybe not. Like it almost feels like one of those one and done films where everyone involved made that movie. Australia's big on that. You know what I mean? We have so many people that have done that thing and they're probably not gonna capitalize on that because they don't feel they need to or, you know. They were able to share their story. Yeah, it's done. You know what I mean? There's one opus that you do and that's what it felt like. The fact that they've found an entire cast that can speak Irish like that, you know, obviously I dare say there was a lot of real extras. You know what I mean? I don't know what the word is. Like it would be non-actors, is kind of what we call them. Like where it is people that are cast that have not been performing before and so, you know, they're accessing something new and I think Australian cinema does that a lot and I think this feels like that. I'm actually not sure if that's the case, but it might be. I would guess so.
No, it was a very moving film and as you said with the concept of seeing it through a little girl's eyes, it's funny the little moments which look on screen like, you know, transitional scenes are actually such big scenes, you know what I mean? There's one where, you know, the girl's walking with the neighbor down the street and, you know, some information is revealed to her about her aunt. Which doesn't feel like much as an adult, you know, it's just a gossipy neighbor, but it obviously rocks this girl. It's like that glance that just gets captured by them. It's like a glance to information.
Yeah, no, I found it... Did you cry? Yeah, probably. The thing is, I think I would have definitely.
That's why it's probably stood out to me because it's just so raw. I don't know when we've, like what other kind of films, particularly involving children that can be so authentic but also so adult. I don't know. Like I can't think of any other examples. The one that comes to mind for me is, I think another movie that I put onto you after you told me you love this film, Australian film by Gillian Armstrong, High Tide. High Tide. Which I think has, but that's a dual film where it's an older mother protagonist by Judy Davis and then a young Claudia Carvin as like her teenage daughter that they reconnect. But I think there's, I don't think there's very many films like this that capture childhood in a way that you really have that resonance of going, oh, that is what it felt like when I was a kid. A feeling that you've not thought about for like your entire adult life. Maybe the Kite Runner, that Afghan film. That's the closest thing because they deal with, I mean, obviously there's different things happening in Afghanistan in the 80s, but they kind of have these whimsical moments that are obviously deeply traumatic to children that the viewer, an audience can tell that's a deeply traumatic moment, but it's just kind of another scene. You know what I mean? Angela's Ash is another one that comes to mind. We're talking about poverty and like what the child takes with them.
Yeah, probably Goonies. Goonies is another great one. We're talking about this realm of children-centric films. Goonies, BMX Bandits.
The Client with Tommy Lee Jones. Actually, Stand By Me would be another one that I would generally put in there where it's like catching that childhood's perspective of just like, okay, that's it. We all want to find that body. We all want to go on a little adventure.
But this is such a beautiful pick, Clancy. I think you've done a wonderful service bringing this to the attention of the masses on the podcast today. Yeah, I would recommend this to anyone.
Oh yeah, hold it up for them one more time, babe. Hold that up.
Where are we going? The Quiet Girl.
Put it in every frame.
One of the great pictures, The Quiet Girl, an emotional choice, a choice from the heart, something that I did not expect from you today. I did not expect you to show such vulnerability.
Yeah. And I applaud it. No, but you know, think of the films in history that everyone, it doesn't even matter who it is. It doesn't matter if it's like the most burliest bloke you know. They cried watching it. Oh, okay. Think, well, what are those films?
There's, I Am Sam's probably one that got most people. The trailer. The trailer gets a lot of people for I Am Sam, I'd say.
Yeah. For big fellas, I tell you what, in my studies in this area, Rocky. Rocky. Because Rocky is total like, it's emotional filmmaking and Sly is the master of emotion. And he's a manipulator of Sly, yeah. Yeah, he's a master of emotional manipulation. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I call it technique. Use a lot of technique to help people feel their emotions. I think those are the films that men connect to the most. It manipulates people into feeling shit.
And the other big one, D Hunter. D Hunter, we've got that somewhere in our stacks here, the D Hunter.
Yeah, but no, there's ones that, you know, just like universally, they're not necessarily macho, that'll get anyone. Okay. Like, I'm trying to think of...
Steel Magnolias? Steel Magnolias.
Dolly, bless her. Oh, yeah, bless her.
Hot socks. I mean, it actually seems to be happening more and more now. What's that one that came out the other day that just... Argyle. Yeah. Everyone just cried relentlessly. Matthew Voor's Argyle, yeah.
What's that? The Fall one. What's that one that everyone's watching I just don't know if I found an afternoon to sit down and watch it. Anatomy of a Fall. Oh, Anatomy of a Fall. I don't know if that's a real... It's got moments.
Yeah, I did tear up. I did tear up. But, you know, I'm an emotional guy. I'm on the verge of tears every second.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you're cosmopolitan. Exactly, a cosmopolitan Mediterranean. You're touched with your emotions. Of course those things happen to me, you know? And hopefully I'm spending some of that charm to Batutah as well. Yeah, you bring, you know, you've revolutionized the way we see cinema. And that's why we're so happy to share a Batutah video with the world. Yeah.
Let an insight into this beautiful cabin full of movies that we've got. Look at all this shit on the shelves behind me. Oh, we've got all this beautiful shit. The Collectors were the only movie I can recognize on the shelf behind me somewhere. I've never seen it, but I've seen the cover.
Alright, we can't go past Alexi Tolyopoulos' favourite. Oh, yeah. We'll let him do a full episode on this. That'll be a full episode. We'll get each cast member on. They're sitting on the other side and going, God, so what?
When you were doing that, that was awesome. That was really cool, guys.
And I cried, I cried when I saw that film. I'm still trying to think of those films, that, you know, maybe that's one thing you can get your listeners to message in. What are the films that universally make people cry? Because you said Rocky trying to appeal to me. No, but I believe it. Rocky is an emotional movie for me.
Then you said Deer Hunter, which I felt like I was going to be stereotyped. That was maybe more. That was more like, hey, big burly guy, probably Deer Hunter.
Sport and war, right? That'll make you cry. Those are the two things. As long as the fellas are getting pummeled down, that's what happens. The boys start to cry out. Brian Song, another sports movie?
Philadelphia. Philadelphia will make anyone cry.
Life is Beautiful.
That's a big one. Yeah. Is that the covered Nazis? That's the, you're talking about the Indian in the Cupboard? No, I'm talking about where they hide from the Nazis. Yeah, yeah. That'll rock you.
That's it, Roberto Bernini. Best actor, Roberto Bernini.
Shall we move on to your weekly choices, my friends? Yes, please. Sorry, we've waffled about vulnerability for long enough. Well, that's it. The boys have to get in touch with their feelings every now and then. Yeah, well, I can say the other two, there's a bit of a gear change here. Yeah, we're switching it up.
I would say you've come in here with a rather eclectic batch of three movies. Where do you want to head to next with your next pick? What have you got there? Well, this one you've picked up from the crime film section, one of our most abundant and popular aisles here at To The Video. It is, oh, gosh, it's a mid-career classic from one of the old times, The Goats of Cinema, if you will, Mr. Martin Scorsese.
It is Casino. Crime? His second collaboration with true crime writer and screenwriter, Nicholas Pileggi, returning to familiar, familiar, I would say familiar genre as they did earlier with Goodfellas, like a really big film for both of them. They come back with Casino doing it all over. Five years later.
I think it's unsung. I agree with you. I think for many reasons, like, it could have been the worst plot of all time. But I don't believe that. I think it's a very, very real story.
And the themes of the, you know, obviously it's Scorsese, so there's some element of a fall from grace there in the plot. But just the fact, like, they could have had no storyline. Like, one scene could have not connected to the other and I still would have put it in my top five just because of what they made. The fact that 80% of this film would have at least 300 to 400 extras on screen at any time, just monstrous.
They're all wearing pastels, cranking those machines, playing those slots.
Yeah, I agree with you. I think this is a really strong movie from Scorsese and I agree unsung. Because, you know, Goodfellas is such a monumental film and such a hit that strikes across the board in every way. And he's reteaming with Joe Pesci, reteaming with Robert De Niro, bringing Sharon Stone in as well. So now it's also, like, because Goodfellas is such a lightning rod film that has this really unique style.
It uses style to, like, almost music video techniques and, like, really fast cutting, jump cutting, match cutting, lots of, like, interesting editing techniques from Thelma Schoonmaker and Mansko Sese. But it uses that style to create this authenticity, this feeling of, like, almost a romantic authenticity of that world. And then it uses that same style to have this frantic crash. And then from there, that brutal hangover that the film ends on, where you get, you almost get that, like, high, that sugar high at the start and it just keeps getting better and then it gets worse and worse until you're like, oh, I'm over it.
He employs that similar kind of style, but he uses it in casino to create, like, this maximalist operatic tone rather than true authenticity or romanticized authenticity. And it's a tone that he strikes so precisely. I don't think we've seen it ever before in any other film, let alone his work and since, even though it's utilizing a lot of the same techniques. I also think that he's been given a different environment to play in here. Like, Goodfellas, it's obviously going to be compared to, because you've got Pesci in both films playing the charismatic psychopath, right? Which is what he does and which is why he became a household name in the 80s and 90s. He plays the same character in Home Alone, you know what I mean?
Different wigs and nuances. Different wigs and nuances, you know, the wet bandits with different kind of crime. But the difference between Goodfellas and this is, this is set in the desert, it's set in these monstrous casinos between LA and Vegas. And Goodfellas is Scorsese playing in tenements, you know what I mean?
The little Italy. Little Italy and little bars and that kind of stuff.
Where this is just to scale, to a scale that I don't think you'd be allowed to do ever again. Because it's like a million, million, million dollar movie, which is for like three hour crime epic that is kind of experimenting and like a proper hard R. The violence is brutal in this movie. And the swearing. I think it was the record holder for many years of F words. You can say it. Fuck words. Maybe you can't.
What I really love about it is the way Vegas is presented in the early days of Vegas. Like Vegas is still a weekly part of our life in the Western world. You know, the NFL is hosted there, every boxing match is hosted there. You know, U2 is touring there. We know what's happening in Vegas.
Guy Fieri has a restaurant there. Yeah, Guy Fieri. Jermaine Dupri has just announced a residency. Oh, of course.
Al Kylie. Al Kylie, human nature dude.
Many years there. But it is what it is now. But then it was literally, and that's how it's described by Ace Rothstein, the protagonist, I guess. De Niro's character is, it was like a car wash for men like him. It just relieved them of their sins. He was a handicapper, a sporting gambler, match fixer, like, you know, a slimeball everywhere else in America. But in Vegas, he was actually high society.
And it shows this Vegas, I've never actually been to Las Vegas, but I don't think I ever want to go because of this romantic kind of 60s, 70s, 80s that they present where, you know, the mafia's effectively in charge of everything. And I still, I actually think that even the politics of the place would have definitely changed by now because back then it's, you've got this hierarchy where you've got the scumbags on the street. You know, you've got the street criminals. You've got- You've got your sleaze criminals, like your James Woods Lester Diamond in the movie. Lester, one of the most sleazy characters in the world.
I think he should have been Oscar nominated. I'm saying that I was a James Woods fan. Yes, he's gone completely off the whack-a-doo end now. I think he always was. He is phenomenal in this movie. There's never been a greatest slimeball actor, I mean, this side of like Tom Sizemore.
It's also great. I mean, it's only Scorsese would boldly do this character and this dynamic where the independent, strong, street hustling femme fatale is dependent on a slimeball. You know, it's not really, it's kind of a trope, but it's not really done. And I think they did it very well, where Sharon Stone, even those two actors, imagine the idea of her bowing to him. I know. And they did it very well.
And I would say Sharon Stone in this film is maybe the- She was the only nomination. Only nomination.
I would say it's maybe the best performance ever in a Scorsese film. In the same ballpark as freaking Raging Bull or Taxi Driver, this performance is just, it's so unique. It's so unique in the crime genre, so unique in any genre. And it's just, you just don't see anything like it, especially just finding the perfect actor to line up with the perfect character to just completely embody the spirit of the film.
And I believe that- I don't think she was, I don't think anyone would have thought that at the time though in how her career was going. You know, she's coming off the legs crossed.
Basic instincts.
She had been typecast. And she was, I mean, I don't know who the modern day equivalent would be, but she was kind of a bit of a Marilyn Monroe Barbie. And she just did this film, a three hour film of her basically abusing organized criminals and making them fear her. And she works so well with dark material, Sharon Stone. But I think, and she's funny, like she's kind of got everything.
And I think there's this line in the film that I believe it's a quote from the Robert De Niro character in the narration. The cardinal rule is to keep them playing and to keep them coming back. The longer they play, the more they lose and in the end we get it all. And I think that is the thesis for the film.
Life is a casino for these players. They keep playing and these people get so much wealth into their lives, like beyond any kind of belief. They have this lavish lifestyle.
De Niro's outfits are the most beautiful suits cinema has ever seen. And each freaking scene he's got a new suit on that is something that you can't even conjure up in your head.
No, no, no. You wouldn't be able to find it anywhere. But I also find there is, the music does stop. It shows in that, I don't know if it's the case anymore in Vegas, but the fact is there's these Mormons and these cowboys that actually run this tent. The LQ Jones guy coming in. They put their boots on the table. They're completely fine with you to do what you do in the desert, but there are rules and they have to be looked after. And if you get too big for your boots, if you go Icarus on them, it's all over. It's all over.
It doesn't matter if you're from the scariest Mafia family in America, they have senators and they have congressmen and they will, I do like that in every element of this excess, of this Vegas, there's something that can stop you. Whether it's you can get brutally murdered, get your head put in a vice, one of the most violent deaths I've actually seen.
I would have never forgotten it. Saw this movie for the first time. The hammer on the hand for the card counters. Oh my gosh.
But then you've got also, when he's talking about actually as a handicapper, he's the most genius handicapper, he's the most talented. He's Ace Rothstein. Yeah, shout out to Lefty Rosenthal, the real guy. Yeah, that's based on Lefty Rosenthal. Shout out to Lefty.
Like this quiet Jewish guy from Chicago who was so good with his money that he became an honorary Italian and the Mafia sent him to Vegas. But for him to even say that he can get bested by gamblers. Not by cheats, by actual, my favorite is KK Ichikawa, the Japanese businessman who he plays fast and he plays big and he has the cash and the credit to turn out your lights. And then he goes, he can shut down casinos. And Carrie Packer had a reputation for doing that too. He would make people stressed when he would go into these casinos because he would, if he was on a heater, it could fuck them up for their quarter and it actually could, and people have sent them broke. And the Japanese character, the whale, Ichikawa, is a great, when he's showing the different archetypes within a casino in that era when it's still run by people, how he still steals the towels.
He steals the towels and the soap. And then, so not only does he leave with $2 million of the casino's money in 1978, which could fuck them up, he steals the towels and the soap.
He's a cheapskate millionaire, flies in on a private jet from Japan and they go, we got him back though. That's it, they go, he has the power to turn the jet back around to bring him back in and Ace gets all the money back off him again. So he tells, what did you say? Pays the pilot to tell the Japanese whale. Yeah, we can't leave today. Well, the plane's on the fritz. Oh, how embarrassing, we'll comp your room, put him back on the floor, and then he starts burning into his own money. He goes through the $2 million and goes into his own money.
But to think that someone like KK Ichikawa could have ended this movie halfway through, it's so mortal, every element of it, even though it's a fantasy land, it feels like this thing is, it's amazing, I don't know how many years over this has set, maybe a decade, the actual marriage and the story of casino, it could have ended at any moment, especially when you're dealing with characters like Pesci's who just. I think that's why it's one of the great gambling movies, even though you're not always seeing the gambling, the stakes are never on a card game or anything, but life is a gamble for these people. They get rich and then by the end they gamble it until they have freakin' nothing left.
And I think as a Queenslander, it appeals as well. And this is just in the sense of that glitz and the glamour and the white shoes, that's very much how Queensland's identity was forged. With Japanese investment too, it was a similar kind of scene. We had the casinos that people from Asia would come to visit, and the name Briz Vegas doesn't come from, people think Briz Vegas comes from this idea of Queensland being fun and a marketing campaign. It actually comes from the southern cops in New South Wales and Melbourne referring to the crime of Brisbane, which was burying people in holes, illegal casinos, neon lights. So there's a little bit of that flair that you kind of, I don't think it's an American thing. You see that in all those different parts of the world where you have kind of red light districts. You have that look. Vegas, and I guess the Gold Coast has tried to do this in some ways, try to legitimize that look and make it mainstream and tourist friendly.
But Vegas has been the best to do it. Also that era of America, when you're dealing with Vegas, you're dealing with Sinatra-esque characters and that's always something that people want to revisit. This film's three hours, so you get so much of that. It's like that Lana Del Rey psycho Americana kind of, we're talking senators, we're talking corrupt racing officials. We're talking- It's the one place where they all sit on top of each other and the power splits between them all. God, it's a great pick. I absolutely love Casino.
You've got one more weekly for us here. And I saw you wandering around the comedy section picking this one out. Another curve ball for us here. Yeah. I guess there's a bit of a gear change between all of them. I'm glad we started with The Quiet Girl, because more of a feminine kind of gentle touch, because these other two are pretty, you know. Pretty masculine picks. Pretty louty. Absolutely.
Well, we've got, maybe is this a comedy section or is this a sports movie? I think it might be one of the great sports movies that we've got here. It is a sports movie.
I was thinking that actually. Yeah.
Yeah, Cracker Jack. Cracker Jack, Australian film from 2002. To me, this is the ideal, bludgery, Australian, larrikin comedy of the 21st century so far. And I think the Lawn Bowls Club setting for it is just such a distinctively Australian place to set a sports comedy. Tell us about Cracker Jack. I think Cracker Jack is another one that's unsung, because when we look back to that era when Australian comedy was popping, you know, there's always been an interesting thing in Australia where we have this noir, this gothic even, with our crime.
And then we have a couple moments of comedy. And I don't think Cracker Jack gets looked at in this moment, because people would obviously look at The Castle. Yes, I think it's on the tail end of this kind of burst cycle Australia had. We had a big burst of independent films in Australia in the 90s, and that kind of goes into the 2000s a little bit. And in that, there's a little cycle of comedies like Mule's Wedding, The Castle, that become foundational to the Australian sense of humor. Cracker Jack, I think, is just on the tail end, but is maybe just as important, maybe if not more, because it's such an overt comedy. It's like straight and straighter comedy. Like Mule's Wedding, it's a comedy, but it's got the saddest plot of all time. It's like, oh, I love that funny comedy about a woman whose mother kills herself because she's sad and her husband treated her like crap her whole life. But this is, it's warm, it's got emotional beats, but it's just a flat out really funny, great Australian comedy. Yeah, I think it's also the last of the Australian comedies before we start entering like a formulaic kind of style.
That and Kenny, kind of like the last two greats. Yeah, Jacobson could have fucked Kenny so badly. Like if Kenny was in any way had a sharp tongue, it wouldn't have worked. He had to be the kind of slow dunny guy, right? It's perfectly pitched Kenny, and it never breaks the form of its mockumentary.
Yeah, yeah, right? The mockumentary also helped that, and that was just before that became tied. That was before 10 seasons of The Office. That was before all that stuff.
I think Cracker Jack's perfect because that character is perfect to be the smart-ass. The layabout stoner telemarketer, Mick Molloy, I think he was the perfect person to play that. He's perfect, and it's the kind of thing, because Mick Molloy's not a great actor, but to me, this is such a heroic story of casting where it's just like every Ashmore performance is so charming because it is just perfect casting. Well, I think also Mick Molloy at that time of his career would have done a bit of corporate speaking, so he had the beats, he knew the crowd, he knew applause breaks, and when you can get someone to do that on screen, he knows when people are going to laugh, and the wisecracks, just the off comments, it's layered in a sense. I don't know if it was intentionally layered, but you go back, I missed that 10 years ago when I watched this, when he refers to the, homebrew my ass, send that shit down to forensics. You know what I mean? There's that sing-song quality, that melodious quality to his joke-style telling in this, where he's performative, and to me it works so well, and it feels so linked to the way comedy kept developing in this country. And it was a great insight into the middle class, you know what I mean?
Back then, the slacker could kind of get by in a nice joint in the city, with a housemate smoking weed, working for the telemarketer with a few things on the side, and also the old codgers, right? So the old codgers in the bowls club that he's forced to become friends with through this turn of events, they are, when you think back to it, they would have been World War II, so that's like the silent generation, it's not the boomer thing that we know now, it's those old grandfatherly kind of characters. It's Gen X versus the greatest generation. Yeah, and that's a great, because he's the slacker, he's the Gen X slacker, and then you've got these people that have lived through depression and world wars, and he epitomizes the smart-ass youthfulness of that era, the Beavis and Butthead, I guess. Oh, absolutely, and it's also so cool that he's supported by this wonderful cast of these older actors.
Bill Hunter. Bill Hunter, man.
Maybe Australia's greatest actor, Australia's greatest character actor for sure, and for me, this alongside his more darker-turning square, it's probably his last two great roles. Maybe this is his last great actual character that he gets to play.
This was an interesting era where they had the money to kind of bankroll. I know that film was done on the cheap considering, considering what we see nowadays, but they got the money, and they were able to lock in these kind of actors pretty early on. John Clark, he was a great inclusion, because we never really got to see him, I know he had a history of TV comedy in New Zealand, but we never got to see him really in character, and he played the villainous Pokey Baron perfectly. Great actor, also Death in Brunswick, another great movie with John Clark in it. But this was the era when there were certain tax laws where you could invest in films, and Macquarie Bank had an arm for investing directly in films. They got rid of it in the end, and the reason they got rid of it in the end was because one of the reasons cited was there was too much of a reliance on comedy.
And now we have zero. Which we have zero, you know what I mean? Yeah, we have zero now, and I do believe they might have gotten a bit formulaic.
You start getting some of these names, and you get this plot, and it's the underdog come good. You can see how Australians fall into that trap, especially when they're making movies for the sake of making movies. But this one feels like, in terms of the Opus, right? We were talking about the quiet girl. This feels like Malloy's Opus.
You go down to Melbourne, you still listen to him on radio every day, same with Sydney, and he's still very much mid-career, I would say. But to think he got this in his early 30s, late 20s, and just got this one away, you know? Yeah, I mean, you can't not admire him and the whole cast of this film, that era of comedy making.
Huge special notice to Judith Lucy in this film as well. To me, top five all-time comedic performers. I just love Judith Lucy so much, and I'm gonna put this right on the record now. Maybe number one or two dream guests all time for this podcast.
Let's do the official shout-out. Judith Lucy, they want you on here. We want you, Judith. We want you so bad for this podcast. You're a much more important guest than I would be, and he's made that clear. So please, Judith Lucy, come along. Well, you know, we've had our first dream guests. We've got to put a new one out into the world. I'm a tough act to follow. Come along, please.
I just love this. I think a great era for Australian comedy. We've got this, The Nugget, we've got Kenny. I just think that I wish we had more comedies. I often lamentedly joke that Kenny was the last comedy made in Australia. Now we've got some more happening, but I think we've got world-class comedy when it comes to internet, and new media comedy, live comedy.
See, that's a lot of people doing it off their own. That's it. They're doing it on the smell of an oily rag.
And I do think it would be interesting to see, you know, even Kath and Kim, right? The great Kath and Kim was made on a drama budget.
They fucked up the whole thing at the ABC. Iconic story. Yeah, so whatever happened, it ended up being in the ABC drama department. That's how it got over the line. People really don't want to invest in comedy in Australia, and I feel like this one should be one of the ones that they hold up to argue for that, because you've got Mick Molloy.
He's obviously had such a pivotal part in this story. He wrote it with his brother or his cousin, I believe, and he was obviously there for every minute of it, and he got one away, you know what I mean? That's what we love to see, is someone getting one away.
I like that Australian lady who does the horror. Jennifer Kent?
Yeah, Nightingale. Nightingale and the Bubba Duke? Yeah, Nightingale was obviously her passion project, but the one before that was the one that she ...
Someone said somewhere along the lines, let's back her, and it really did pay off. Yeah. Well, let's hopefully people just go, we've got to make more comedies, because I think Cracker Jack speaks to a nation's identity to some degree of just being like, this is what our sense of humor is. Yeah, World War II prices. Whoa, okay. That's how much the weeklies cost here too, World War II prices on the shelves.
Okay, we've come to It's the Staff Pick recommendation, your final pick for your combo. Yeah, Staff Pick. Staff Pick, mate, it's been tough.
I'll tell you this, I feel like you've purposely challenged me picking three completely different movies, and because we walk around the town together, you and I, we have many conversations, I did come in anticipating we would have a crime spree here. I thought you were going to have three interesting crime films. You've got one crime film, one beautiful coming of age story, and one of the greatest Australian comedies. So, I'm telling you right now, I'm not stumped, I'm not stumped, but I'm triangulating down to a pick. So we've got the three picks here, Casino, The Quiet Girl, up the top here, we've got Cracker Jack.
Yeah, they are a bit different, aren't they? They are different.
So I'm still triangulating down to get to the perfect pick for you. What, do you want to be the dominant flavor coming in here? Do you want that Australian kind of comedy?
You know one thing you put me on a while ago, which has actually fucked me up, you put me on to Mezzarene. Oh my God, great movie. You put me on to Mezzarene, it was a great French film about the great French bank robber, real person in 1960s France. And that has sent me on.
Vincent Cassel. Yeah, the Vincent Cassel, incredible actor, and the bouncing back and forth, the historical element of it, which I obviously love about Casino. These are facts.
And that sent me down a path of Algerian resistance and paramilitaries in France and the Day of the Jackal. Oh yeah, I'm telling you to watch Battle of Algiers and stuff like that. I've got to watch Battle of Algiers, another one.
I do like that foreign aspect. I like the foreign aspect, obviously, which you get with the quiet girl.
You get to see a portal to a world you don't know. And it makes you realize there's so many more films on the shelves here that you can see for all eternity.
But I do like the historical, historical fiction too. So those are the dominant themes. I got no historical fiction in my list right now. Not the historical fiction, but the historical aspect of Casino, of Mezzarene, of, yeah. All right, well, all right.
Is this making it harder for you to try and do it? Maybe it's making it harder.
I'm going to chuck the historical aspect out. I'm triangulating down.
Okay, dominant crime or comedy? What do you want more? What do you think more?
Crime, it's got to be crime, yeah. All right, cool. Okay, we're going to crime.
Well, then I have come up with a selection for you. I've triangulated it down. There were a few options crossing around my head, a few Australian comedies. But now I've gone back to Europe for you. Okay.
It's a European crime film. But it doesn't start as a crime film. The movie is the second film by Danish filmmaker Niklas Windingreffen, his follow up to Pusher, a gangster classic.
It is called Bleeder. Bleeder.
Crime. From 1999. Really?
It stars, basically the whole cast of Pusher is back for Bleeder. I've been recommended Pusher. I've never watched Pusher. Pusher was the one that I originally had in my head for you.
But then when things started to change, when I saw your pics come in, it started to change to Bleeder, because Bleeder also stars Kim Budnia, Mads Mikkelsen, Zlatko Buric. But Bleeder is a story that is quite different. It's a bit totally more different. This is why I chose it because I want to capture someone like that small world feeling that both The Quiet Girl has and definitely Crackerjack has, where it's like this small little world, and Bleeder definitely has that. But then it kind of evolves to become a crime film, and the place where it ends is so dark. But it does start almost like Clerks. Mads Mikkelsen works in a video store, and he plays the kind of...
This is your dream. This is my dream.
This is one that I had to track down. This is in the darkness of our shelves. I had to look in all the most hidden parts of this world.
I imagine it's going to be very, very easy to watch. Well, you know, you count to one, two, three, and you might find it out there on the internet yourself. But it is... Lucky you have a, you know... Lucky we've got everything, mate. We've got everything here on the shelves.
But he basically plays the Nicholas Vinding Refn character, and he's almost like this sad loner who is also just like... He doesn't really know how to talk to women. Even though it's Mads Mikkelsen, this is a really handsome guy. But it kind of has multiple stories, multiple perspectives, much like casino. And it's very clear on perspective, kind of like the quiet girl. But it starts out quite funny, like in this world where it's these two men. Mads Mikkelsen's the loner. And then Bodnia plays a guy who's just on the cusp of fatherhood, but he's not ready for it yet.
And they watch movies together in the back rooms of this video store. And it's the most beautiful video store you've ever seen. It's just like VHS tapes everywhere. Not as good as this one. I'm gonna say it's the most beautiful store I've ever seen.
And it has overt casino references. Oh, really? One of the earliest shots of this movie is a camera running around the whole video store, like closeups on all the tapes, running around really fast to the same opening number, St. Matthew Passion by Johann Sebastian Bach that casino has the opening titles to. It's almost opera. That opera, that big operatic sound. It's the same song, and they even have a few more overt references to casino throughout. It would have been like the primary film at that time that cinephiles were into. Well, I love that juxtaposition in casino where you've got the neon and just the kind of glamorized slime of Vegas with opera where they've actually made it look like something that could have been ancient. And I reckon I'd love to see that in a video store as well. I think you'll really dig this.
It really begins in a really slacker comedy space, not unlike Cracker Jack, but then it just keeps evolving. It's not even a tonal shift because it takes time to get there.
It sounds like you've triangulated this pretty well. I think so. By the end, there's something that's so horrific that happens in this movie that earns the title bleeder for you. Here we go. Really? Well, as I said, it would have been 30, 40 times I've watched casino and I've seen someone's head in a vice until their eye comes out. So I'll be able to stomach the bleeder, I hope. I don't know, man. There's something in this that's like, oh my, that's horrible what they do.
But it's an interesting film for Refn. It's right after he makes Pusha, which is his breakout film. Then he goes to America, makes Fear X with John Turturro, huge flop. Then he has to come back to Denmark and make Pusha 2. Since then, he's had a very interesting career. Has he made other American films?
Drive. That's why I was thinking of him. Drive. That's funny because when you watch Drive, you know it's a European guy making it. Absolutely.
He's made a few more since then, but I would say Bleeder was a bit of a discovery for me. I actually had to go hunting for a movie for you, so I watched three movies, two that I'd never seen before because I have to get it down here. But Bleeder is the pick for you today.
Terrific. Thank you, Alexi. Thank you for bringing me into this town. Happy to have you. And welcoming, making me feel so welcome.
Is there anything people should be looking out for with the Batutah Advocate at the moment? No, just our weekly interviews. We've got some interesting big names coming up.
We've got one of our customers is popping over there, Angela White. Angela White, yeah. Had a good chat with Angela White.
That was a couple weeks back now. And what do I smell? Are those beds burning? Yes. Yes, that should be a good enough hint. We've got the beds are burning.
One of our guests came in to tell us all about that. You can say his name. Peter Garrett. Yeah, it's huge. It's awesome. It was a great chat.
Two-parter. Two-parter, I reckon.
That's the life and times, but not making TV this year. That was last year with Batutah Presents.
God, if only those days were just the one big screenplay that Batutah Advocate presents. Yeah, I don't know if they'd do that in the middle aisle. That's more of a twister.
Thank you for having me. Thanks, Clancy. Come back any time. Beautiful. Take those and frack off, mate.
The last video store. My thank yous to the Batutah Advocate and Clancy for joining us on the show today and making us feel so frickin' welcome into this town. And what a wonderful selection of films we had there. Quiet Girl, an absolutely devastatingly beautiful and friendly and nice, kind Irish movie is available for you to rent on VOD across most of those platforms where you usually rent stuff online. Then we have Got Casino, which is on Amazon Prime and Paramount Plus, and you can buy a beautiful 4K copy if you want to watch it in physical media, which is what I recommend in this situation.
Crackerjack, one of my favorite things. It's on Netflix and Stan. It's on both of them. I love it when that happens.
And Bleeder. Bleeder by Nicholas Winding Refn.
It's a little tougher to find, so you might need to go hunting out there on the internet for where you can find movies or you can buy an imported UK or German copy of the film for over $50 or $60. I found one for $200, which I did not buy. I'm almost tempted to, though, and although it does not have English subtitles, but the version I found on the internet out there did have English subbies. So just go hunting. You'll find it, and I recommend you do. Actually, I don't know if I can say that legally, but enjoy it wherever you find it.
Anyway, thank you for joining us on the last video store. Until next time, please remember to be kind to each other and rewind the tapes that you borrow from our store.
And I'm Alexi Tomiopoulos. I'll say my name, too. I'm a tough act to follow. Come along, please. But I just love this.
I think a great era for Australian comedy. We've got this, The Nugget. We've got Kenny. I just think that, I wish we had more comedies. I often lamentedly joke that Kenny was the last comedy made in Australia. Now we've got some more happening, but I think we've got world-class comedy when it comes to internet and new media comedy, live comedy.
See, that's a lot of people doing it off their own. That's it. They're doing it on the smell of an oily rag.
And I do think it would be interesting to see, you know, even Kath and Kim, right? The great Kath and Kim was made on a drama budget.
They fucked up the whole thing at the ABC. Iconic story. Yeah, so whatever happened, it ended up being in the ABC drama department. That's how it got over the line. People really don't want to invest in comedy in Australia, and I feel like this one should be one of the ones that they hold up to argue for that, because you've got Mick Molloy.
He's obviously had such a pivotal part in this story. He wrote it with his brother or his cousin, I believe, and he was obviously there for every minute of it, and he got one away. You know what I mean? That's what we love to see is someone getting one away.
I like that Australian lady who does the horror. Jennifer Kent?
Yeah, Nightingale. Nightingale and the Bubba Duke. Yeah, I mean, Nightingale was obviously a passion project, but the one before that was the one that she, you know, someone said somewhere along the lines, let's back her, and it really did pay off.
Yeah. Well, let's hopefully people will say, Jessica, we've got to make more comedies, because I think Cracker Jack speaks to a nation's identity to some degree of just being like, this is what our sense of humor is. Yeah, World War II prizes. Well, whoa, okay, that's it. That's how much the weeklies cost here too, World War II prizes on the shelves.
Okay, we've come to It, the Staff Pick recommendation, your final pick for your combo. Yeah, Staff Pick. Staff Pick, mate, it's been tough.
I'll tell you this, I feel like you've purposely challenged me picking three completely different movies. Purposely challenged me.
And because, you know, we walk around the town together, you and I, we have mini conversations. I did come in anticipating we would have a crime spree here. I thought you were going to have three interesting crime films. You've got one crime film, one beautiful coming of age story, and one of the greatest Australian comedies. So, I'm telling you right now, I'm not stumped, I'm not stumped, but I'm triangulating down to a pick. So we've got the three picks here, Casino, The Quiet Girl, up the top here we've got Cracker Jack.
Yeah, they are a bit different, aren't they? They are different.
So I've got some, I'm still triangulating down to get to the perfect pick for you. What, do you want to be the dominant flavor coming in here? Do you want that Australian kind of comedy?
You know, one thing you put me on a while ago, which has actually fucked me up, you put me on to Mezzarene. Oh my God, great movie, great. You put me on to Mezzarene, it was a great French film about, you know, the great French bank robber, real person in 1960s France. And that has sent me on.
Vincent Cassel. Yeah, the Vincent Cassel, incredible actor and the bouncing back and forth, you know, the historical element of it, which I obviously love about Casino.
Like, these are facts. And that sent me down a path of, you know, Algerian resistance and paramilitaries in France and the Day of the Jackal. Oh yeah. I'm telling you to watch Battle of Algiers and stuff like that. See, I've got to watch Battle of Algiers is another one. I do like that foreign aspect. Okay, alright. I like the foreign aspect, obviously, which you get with the quiet girl. You get to see a portal to a world you don't know and it makes you realize there's so many more films on the shelves here. Of course. That you can see for all eternity.
But I do like the historical, historical fiction too. So, those are the dominant themes. What I tell you now, I've got no historical fiction in my list right now. Not the historical fiction, but you know, the historical aspect of casino, of mezzarene.
Okay. Yeah. Alright, well, alright.
Is this making it harder for you to triangulate? Maybe it's making it harder. I'm going to chuck the historical aspect out. I'm triangulating down.
Okay, dominant crime or comedy? What do you want more? What do you think more?
Crime. It's got to be crime, yeah. Alright, cool. Okay, we're going to crime.
Well, then I have come up with a selection for you. I've triangulated it down. There were a few options coulson around my head. A few Australian comedies. But now I've gone back to Europe for you. Okay.
It's a European crime film, but it doesn't start as a crime film. The movie is the second film by Danish filmmaker, Niklas Windingreffen. His follow up to Pusher, a gangster classic.
It is called Bleeder. Bleeder.
Crime. From 1999. Really?
It stars, basically the whole cast of Pusher is back for Bleeder. I've been recommended Pusher. I've never watched Pusher. Pusher was the one that I originally had in my head for you.
But then when things started to change, and I saw your pics come in, it started to change to Bleeder because Bleeder also stars Kim Bodnia, Mads Mikkelsen, Zlatko Buric. But Bleeder is a story that is quite different. It's a bit totally more different. This is why I chose it because I want to capture someone like that small world feeling that both The Quiet Girl has and definitely Cracker Jack has, where it's like this small little world and Bleeder definitely has that. But then it kind of evolves to become a crime film and the place where it ends is so dark. But it does start almost like Clerks.
Mads Mikkelsen works in a video store and he plays the kind of- This is your dream. This is my dream.
This is one that I had to track down. This is in the darkness of our shows. I had to look in all the most hidden parts. I imagine it's going to be very, very easy to watch. Well, you know, you count to one, two, three and you might find it out there on the internet yourself.
But it is- Lucky you have a, you know. Lucky we've got everything, man. We've got everything here on the shelves.
But he basically plays like the Nicholas Vinding Refn character. And he's almost like this sad loner who is also just like, he doesn't really know how to talk to women. Even though it's like Mads Mikkelsen, this is a really handsome guy. But it kind of has multiple stories, multiple perspectives, much like casino. And it's very clear on perspective, kind of like the quiet girl. But it starts out quite funny, like in this like world where it's these two men, Mads Mikkelsen's the loner, and then Bodnia plays a guy who's just on the cusp of fatherhood. He's not ready for it yet.
And they watch movies together in like the back rooms of this video store. And it's the most beautiful video store you've ever seen. It's just like VHS tapes everywhere.
Not as good as this one. I would, I'm gonna say it's the most beautiful store I've ever seen. And it has overt casino references. Oh really? There is one of the earliest shots of this movie is a camera running around the whole video store, like closeups on all the tapes, running around really fast to the same opening number, St. Matthew Passion by Johann Sebastian Bach that casino has the opening titles too. It's almost opera. That opera, that big operatic sound, it's the same song, and they even have a few more overt references to casino throughout. It would have been like the primary film at that time that cinephiles were into. I love that juxtaposition in casino where you've got the neon and the kind of glamorized slime of Vegas with opera where they've actually made it look like something that could have been ancient. And I reckon I'd love to see that in a video store as well. Yeah, I think you'll really dig this.
It really begins in like a really kind of slacker comedy space, not unlike Cracker Jack, but then it just keeps evolving. It's not even a tonal shift because it takes time to get there.
Sounds like you've triangulated this pretty well. I think so. By the end, there's something that's so horrific that happens in this movie that earns the title bleeder for you. Oh, okay. Here we go. Well, as I said, it would have been 30, 40 times I've watched casino and I've seen someone's head in a vice until their eye comes out. So I'll be able to stomach the bleeder, I hope. I don't know, man. There's something in this that's like, oh my, that's horrible what they do.
But it's an interesting film for Refn. It's right after he makes Pusher, which is his breakout film. Then he goes to America, makes Fear X with John Turturro, huge flop. Then he has to come back to Denmark and make Pusher 2. And since then, he's had a very interesting career. Has he made other American films?
Drive. That's why I was thinking of him. Drive. That's funny because when you watch Drive, you know it's a European guy making it. Absolutely.
He's made a few more since then, but I would say bleeder was a bit of a discovery for me. I actually had to go hunting for him. So I watched three movies, two that I'd never seen before, because I have to get it down here. But bleeder is the pick for you today.
Terrific. Thank you, Alexi. Thank you for bringing me into this town. Happy to have you. And welcoming, making me feel so welcome.
Is there anything people should be looking out for from the Batutah Advocate at the moment? No, just our weekly interviews. We've got some interesting big names coming up.
We've got one of our customers is popping over there, Angela White. Angela White, yeah. Had a good chat with Angela White.
That was a couple of weeks back now. And what do I smell? Are those beds burning? Yes. Yes, that should be a good enough hint. The beds are burning.
One of our guests came in to tell us all about that. You can say his name. Peter Garrett. Yeah, it's huge. It's awesome. It was a great chat.
Two-parter. Two-parter, I reckon.
But yeah, that's the life and times, but not making TV this year. That was last year with Batutah Presents.
I don't know if they'd do that in the middle of the aisle. That's more of a twister, you know?
Thank you for having me. Thanks, Clancy. Come back any time. Beautiful. Take those and frack off, mate.
The last video store. My thank yous to the Batutah Advocate and Clancy for joining us on the show today and making us feel so frickin' welcome into this town. And what a wonderful selection of films we had there. The Quiet Girl, an absolutely devastatingly beautiful and friendly and nice kind Irish movie, is available for you to rent on VOD across most of those platforms where you usually rent stuff online. Then we have Got Casino, which is on Amazon Prime and Paramount Plus, and you can buy a beautiful 4K copy if you want to watch it in physical media, which is what I recommend in this situation.
Crackerjack, one of my favorite things. It's on Netflix and Stan. It's on both of them. I love it when that happens.
And Bleeder. Bleeder by Nicholas Winding Refn.
It's a little tougher to find, so you might need to go hunting out there on the internet for where you can find movies, or you can buy an imported UK or German copy of the film for over $50 or $60. I found one for $200, which I did not buy. I'm almost tempted to, though, and although it does not have English subtitles, but the version I found on the internet out there did have English subbies. So just go hunting. You'll find it, and I recommend you do. Actually, I don't know if I can say that legally, but enjoy it wherever you find it.
Anyway, thank you for joining us on The Last Video Store. Until next time, please remember to be kind to each other and rewind the tapes that you borrow from our store. And I'm Alexi Tomiopoulos. I'll say my name, too. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_145_Australianarama | This week we've got finally, for a bit of representation, we've got a couple of Queenslanders on the podcast because we have been underrepresented, I mean aside from Errol and myself, most of the guests, I think we got lucky with Bernard Fanning a few months back but for the most part it's usually been arrogant southerners on our program so we're very excited today to have our guests who come in the shape of the Australiana Rama podcast which has just launched today and has a bit of hype around the first episode. Now Australiana Rama is described as a history and pop culture podcast about the land down under. It's hosted by Jessica Eighty and Matty Nixon, both Queenslanders as I mentioned earlier and they work together to uncover, revisit and highlight some of the bizarre cultural traits that we as Australians seem to overlook, whether they be historical moments or cultural quirks that we just seem to take in our stride and never really look into. Now the first episode is about the Emu War, which we will allow them to describe to you in their first episode that's out now, they'll also be covering the Woman's Weekly Cake Book, the dual citizenship crisis of parliament in 2017, there's plenty of things that happen in Australia in the news cycle and in the history books that we just don't talk about as much as we should. Some of these things haven't even been documented in the history books but they did happen and they are there. Now to give us the rundown on all of that is today's guests, Matty Nixon and Jessica Eighty.
Thank you for joining us. We're talking about things that exist, not necessarily things that have been ignored in Australian history but the things that we haven't really dissected. Is that what the passion came from? You guys are looking at things in the history books and you go, what happened there? Let's just zone in on that for a second. Absolutely. Look, we're both nerds, so that's a part of it but I think my first kind of dive into what the fuck moments in Australian history was Expo 88, a pivotal shining light here in sunny Brisbane, Queensland, where I'm from but like what the fuck was that? That was a whole thing. So when you dive in, the layers of not just the absurdity of the thing and not just the cultural pinnacle moment that happened but the level of politics involved and that was really interesting. And then of course that set off a chain of what are other things that are just fascinating but also absolutely baffling that have happened.
Now you both represent both sides of production on stage and otherwise, you're in the podcast realm, but we've got Jessica, you are a performer, Maddie, you are a writer. Have you two ever worked together on stage before or this is the first time you guys have kind of worked together in the audio format? Yeah, no, we never have because we've been best mates for a long time but we've never actually worked together.
So I mean, it's gone well so far but we'll see. We could do one app and then the relationship's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Podcast is good, you know, this is training wheels. But what have you guys been working on over the last year? Because we have, I mean, obviously the podcast has come together quite well but heading into COVID-19, what were you guys up to? Oh, well, I mean, I was meant to be doing comedy shows and things and then they all got canceled quite quickly, which is a million years ago. And then I've been taking turns about the garden, doing the podcast, playing the piano, writing stuff, which hopefully I will then do this year. And yeah, I think it was during that time that we both were maybe just doing a lot of weird research. And that's why I like the podcast happened because there's so many things that like you know about and you know that they happened.
But no one's really questioned it and like everyone's just fine. Like, oh, yeah, that's fine that we go to the big pineapple, that there was an emu war just that Harold Holt went for a swim and went away. And then there's a memorial swimming pool in his honor. And everyone's just like, yeah, that checks out. That's fine. Well, the Harold Holt Memorial swimming pool is kind of up there with it's the equivalent of doing a rifle range for JFK, isn't it?
Like, yeah, it's you can't even call it distasteful or insensitive because no one's thought about that. No, no one has given it a moment's thought. As far as I know, it would be like naming a stingray, Steve. Like it's just you just don't like people would be outraged.
And yet here we are. We're like, go for a dip in the pool, say hello.
As Queensland as you are, you kind of you're in the best position to kind of talk about this stuff because Queensland does have such a centric history. How would you say a lot of comparisons made between Queensland and the south of the United States? But it's a bit different to that. I don't think you can actually draw that comparison because, you know, it's it's it's quirky and it's kitsch, which I don't think we really see in that nostalgic kind of Southern America.
Expo 88 is a perfect example of that. Some of the some of the decorations and puppets and choreography we saw at those ceremonies and again into the Commonwealth Games that Brisbane also hosted under Joe. It was pretty, pretty out of this world.
What was it about that particular era of Queensland? Obviously, it was before your time you weren't up and about watching watching ABC broadcast of this stuff. But what do you think it was about that era that kind of created this monoculture, you could argue, but also just just I guess this vibe, this aesthetic that was like the data learning off itself. And we're constantly telling ourselves that this is all normal. Yeah, I think it's it's a combination of a few things, but like working in theatre and performance here, we always talk about how Brisbane loves nostalgia, like Queenslanders love a nostalgia trip. So if you pitch any kind of show or any kind of film or whatever, that is about, you know, a kitsch in Australiana or Americanism and whatever, like audiences go off. And I think that that period of time, yes, it was this absolutely wild acid trip of colour and culture and performance.
But it was an absolute liberation because Joe B. Oka Peterson had just been done for. And so Brisbane went from, oh, you're not allowed to eat outside. Like Alfresco dining was illegal to every single artist has a gig for an entire year and is having the best time of their lives.
And people from around the country are coming and partying and all sorts of nonsense is happening. It's this pivotal moment.
And Jess and I both went to uni in Brisbane and did arts degrees. And our lecturers were the people who were like, it was the golden era.
If you go down Queen Street, that statue, that was me. I posed for that statue from 88. That was me.
And they just talk about it as if it was this liberation that happened. And so I think that the aesthetic of that era has definitely lingered on because they're holding on to it like, this is what it is. This is what culture is. So, so much of it is still there, like visible in the city. You can see the impact of Expo 88 if you look for it. Like the weird statues are still there. Stefan's Needle, like all these things are there.
And because I know because my parents had like a year long pass for Expo 88 because they were meant to be teaching in Brisbane and then got transferred to like Aidsvold. But so they came down on like weekends and on holidays. Like everyone, it's not just Brisbane, like everyone went to Expo 88, which is wild. Sorry, they would come back every single weekend just to see you. Maybe not every weekend, but whenever they could make it from, you know, rural North Queensland to Brisbane.
That would have been a bit of fun. It's wild. Like one of the universities in Brisbane, I think it's Griffith, they have the shade sails that were used at the Expo and they're like, we have the shade sails that people like people were shaded from the sun under these sails at Expo. Well, how amazing is that? Sentimental.
Yeah, your podcast isn't all about the post Joe kind of liberation of Queensland. You've got a few different topics coming out in this podcast. Emu War, obviously very interesting. And we won't talk too much about that one because that's the first one out of the gates, but you have delved into the Women's Weekly Cake Book.
What sparked this interest? Obviously everyone who's ever seen one of those cakes is interested in this, but for you guys, what was it? Well, I think because I bought the book during COVID as did apparently a lot of people, according to my research and had like made one for Maddie and like, because it's the vintage edition is the one that they sell.
They did release a 40th anniversary one, which is less proper, but it's still the same from the 80s. You can buy it. They haven't removed anything dodgy. It's still there. And it's one of those things that again, no one's really questioned. It's just like, no, this is a thing that we all have and that we love. And that's, that's fine.
I've seen a swimming pool in action. I've seen the Blue Jelly swimming pool cake in action.
Did you, were any of you lucky enough to get that as a, as a, you know, young birthday girls? I never had the swimming pool, but I don't think I ever requested the swimming pool. Maybe one of my siblings did.
I've definitely, I've definitely met one. Like I've met her in my, in my life. But, um, I remember having the duck once with like the popcorn.
Oh yeah. But not the pool.
It's a bit of a cult, the old, the old, all the cooking books in general, particularly before anyone had a great understanding of what Asian food was. Some of the early, uh, women's weekly cookbooks were, uh, were quite, I mean, Rogan Josh, um, was kind of mastered here in Australia in the tabloid magazines.
Yeah. And mango chicken and apparently it was just apparently a curry. Even more exotic, mate. Delicious though. That's a Sunday night special.
I actually have a bunch of old women's weekly magazines that I got for collage, but reading them is wild. And there was a whole, I think it's from the seventies. It was like inventive things to do with banana. And then it is just like things that are the introduction of Asian food. And yeah, terrifying.
What, what else are we working with here? The first six, uh, Australia aren't around a podcast coming out. There's a one that I'm not actually not familiar with. You're going to have to give us a kind of synopsis on this, the difficult bird group.
Oh, Paul, you're lucky. So that'll be coming up in a couple of weeks.
The difficult bird group are a really amazing team of researchers that I just could not love more. Cause I think I read about them in an article a while ago and essentially there's a lot of endangered birds in Australia and a lot of them just really don't want to help themselves.
Like they're not, you know. Yeah. You know how like pandas are like, we don't want to have sex. We're too tired. We're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're like, you have to, it's a bit like that. Yeah.
It's not just habitat loss. It's a lot of self-sabotage and that's where the difficult bird group are like chartering planes. They're like, they're doing things to try and keep these beautiful and fascinating and ancient dumb birds alive.
So I've done some research into them. They're really cool.
That's such a patient name, the difficult bird group, you know, where they're not, it's not patronizing in any way. It's not passive aggressive. It's just, this is, this is what we're dealing with.
No, they, they love the birds. They do. Um, and then, but I think they're on the record as calling some of the morons. So there's a quote in there that I can't remember now, but yeah, the, with great love, they are just like, these are the dumbest birds. Yeah. Moron is as bad, as harsh as it gets. They're doing the Lord's work.
Well, look, you sometimes, sometimes the pressure can become a bit too much when you're dealing with these difficult birds and you know, I'm sorry I said it, you know, I shouldn't have called you a moron. You shouldn't have eaten that shiny piece of alfoil. Like, you know, it's, uh, it's not your, it's not your fault that sugar gliders have developed a taste for you and you can't get away. It's not their fault. Yeah, I shouldn't have called you a moron. You shouldn't have eaten your own eggs.
Um, yeah, it's a high stakes relationship situation. You know, we've all been in them.
The difficult bird group is kind of reminiscent, obviously, uh, for very different reasons. But, um, in terms of like, uh, you know, very passionate animal rights groups or animal advocacy groups to the, uh, the Brisbane cat society, perhaps I'm, I'm, I'm hospital passing you, uh, short balling you a potential episode in the near future. But that's a, that's an interesting one you should look into because, uh, before the internet, uh, cat societies were quite a popular thing around the world and there were a lot of chapters and the Brisbane cat society ended up being overtaken with a strain of jealous rage, uh, among members and they all started killing each other. So that's, um, that, that should be an interesting one for the, for Australiana Rama, a couple of murders. I think the treasury got knocked off all in the name of cats.
Oh my God. That's amazing. I mean, fair enough. Luck. Maddie has a cat behind her right now. Yeah.
It's like he summoned my cat while saying that was spooky. If you don't hear from me again, go looking please. Whoever you talk to, everyone has something like everyone has a special subject or like a weird thing that they know about. Um, and I think that's another thing that wanted to do with the podcast is just, if someone, if there's a special guest that has a special topic that they want to talk about that they don't have any profession in, but they just really care about it's like, yes, tell me about the CWA or the cat society or whatever.
And I will go down the rabbit hole. Hmm. One, one more recent, uh, you know, uh, kind of phenomena in Australia that almost everyone listening to this podcast and listening to your podcast will remember is the dual citizenship crisis that, uh, that took place around 2017. Uh, it was probably the first arrow that Turnbull took to the knee, uh, within his own party. Yeah.
I think it was before, it was before Barnaby. Well, Barnaby was a big part of this. It was before Barnaby had a little, uh, you know, New Zealand to worry about.
Can you tell us about this? Because this is something that hasn't really been drilled down on. And as it was happening, sure. We were shocked, you know, new names pop up, starts with the greens kind of ends up going through the national party and, uh, labor's sitting there very, very cocky saying, Oh, you know, one thing life is good at is digging up dirt on their, uh, on their bloody members, you know, heading into pre-selection. And then of course, a couple of labor guys go down. Yeah. Tell us a little bit about this and what you've found. Look, if there's one thing that could unite every party, it's that everyone had a dual citizen in their midst. Yeah. I think it's one of those, uh, yeah, Pauline's party cook. That's no spoilers, but there is some juicy one nation gossip in there.
Um, and Malcolm Turnbull was pretty smart ass about it when it all began too. And actually really was quite on the record as quite critical. And then of course, Barnaby Joyce, deputy prime minister, but it's one of those things that when it happened, it took a little while for everyone as in like citizens to catch up on actually how huge this thing kind of was to our constitution. And then it just kind of went away, like it happened, this whole thing blew up, you know, a quarter of parliament was potentially not going to be able to sit. And then it was like, oh yeah, no, but we just kind of fixed it and, and it's fine. And we've moved on. So it was, it was kind of a bit of a treat to dig it all back up and go through it again and just remember actually how heinously huge it was. And it was international news when it happened and people were like, is Australia okay? And I mean, no, no, we weren't.
They kind of like the high court, it feels like the high court started bending rules because if you want to look at this the way that a country, you know, like, you know, a very staunch kind of democracy would look at this. You know, you start looking at France, for example, who care a lot about the laws and the political class are held to account over there, you know, they banned smoking in cafes, people start burning cars. Yeah. If you look at a country like that, and if they were to deal with something like this, Oh yeah, anarchy. I mean, it'd be, it'd be anarchy, but it'd also be like, I mean, we'd, we'd go down that rabbit hole. The high court shows not to, they just sacked a couple of sitting MPs, but really if potentially a quarter of parliament were dual citizens and therefore illegally elected, do we go back and repeal every law that every single one of them has voted on? Yeah.
That's the really scary thing is that it's like the fallout of all the decisions that they made in that time and they didn't get, have to pay any of their money back or anything like it was huge, but it was, and also like the irony of the time of them being like, Oh yeah, but if, if we have to, if we're going to change marriage, like we have to do a vote cause that's, you know, we can't just change that rule. Like we can't as the government just change that. The high court can't just change that rule by themselves.
But when it comes to constitution, like I don't know. The constitution's fine.
We'll just sweep that under. You just get sacked for a bit and then we'll have a by-election. You'll be back in your same role and then we'll sack you again when we find out you've knocked up your media advisor.
But that, that was basically all we really saw. And, and also it's funny you say with the, with the, you know, the plebiscite and the backdrop in 2017, but you also had the, um, you know, I had 2016 where we had the kind of the rise of ISIS and the hysteria and, uh, you know, a lot of, you know, the xenophobia really ramped up. And Peter Dutton was really given a platform. And then all of a sudden we realize, you know, one in four Australians are native born to native born parents. And it's shown through very much so in our political class. I mean, Jackie Lambie's dad was Scottish like, or, or, um, yeah.
Barnaby Joyce for that matter, 13 years in the Senate, illegally elected.
I look forward to this episode. Yeah, it's good. It's good. It's a good, like all of those pent up feelings.
It's have a listen and just get them out. Now I, well, I'm going to be, obviously you can tell I'm, I'm excited for the, for the episodes, but can you give us a rundown on any dreams you want to, you know, you know, if we gave Australiana Rama a million dollars tomorrow, what is a story you would chase? Uh, mine's, mine's gotta be, I mean, we've already spoken about it, but it's gotta be Bianca Peterson, but that, that you could do like you, an entire three season podcast on that. But if you were to do the proper deep dive, absolutely. And interview people in and around the drama that as it, yeah, fell apart. The Dean brothers, you could do a whole episode on the Dean brothers. They were the Indian Muslim demolition family who Joe was very good friends with who would do whatever he shared in the middle of the night and yaps knocked down cloud land at two in the morning by accident.
Yep. Yes. We've come across them. Yeah.
I went to Boca road.
Jessica, what about you? It's just, I mean, I wouldn't want to pick one. I want to have the time to go into every little strange thing that we could and have, have guests on. And cause another thing that we're going to do is like, go into like pop culture as well as history, like occasionally watch a film, um, and interrogate that sort of thing. Yeah. I just, cause I really enjoy finding out just the strange things that everyone's accepted and been like, this is fine and just finding out more about all of those. I don't think there's one that I could pick, although I do look forward to researching my special subject, the big pineapple in more depth. Um, so that'll be coming to you. On that note, um, I think you've left us with a lot to look forward to just quickly. Was the big pineapple the first big thing?
I don't know. I've not Googled it. I don't think so.
Cause that was in the seventies. Which was not as big as the real one. And some may say the small sad appropriate. So therefore not the big, yeah. Look, the big pineapple may not have been the first, but it might be the most important.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's um, yeah, certainly in my life in the, um, you know, in the kind of hits land of the sunshine, kaiju, you know, it's like, yeah, in the, um, you know, in the kind of hits land of the sunshine coast, you could, you could find an episode in every town you pull into. So, uh, Nambour, Ruddy and Wayne Swan in the same grade at school. That's where I grew up. I've got some dirt. Yeah, I look forward to that episode. And then we can do, um, uh, I guess when Kona wraps up, we'll do Australiana Rama live from your Monday. That sounds like a bit of fun. Yeah.
We'll go to the markets. Oh, we'll just pop down the market.
In the first place anyone in Queensland ever smelt sandalwood.
Yeah. Well, thank you for joining us today on the Batoota Advocate radio show, Maddie and Jessica from Australiana Rama. We look forward to the work you're doing and we look forward to the stories you uncover. Thank you. We're super excited. Thanks for having us. |
dropout | planet_earth_is_reading_too_far_into_these_animals_ch_shorts | Planet Earth 2. It's been 10 years since we explored the wonders of Planet Earth in the first series, and we certainly haven't run out of things to talk about. No, we are always finding new stuff, and it's really easy to come up with new things to say about animals.
The pygmy three-toed sloth. Only a few hundred exist in the world, and this male is seeking a mate. An enticing call from a female.
It's been a long time. Longer than he'd care to admit. Not since Tiffany. Sure, the time it doesn't feel perfect, but when will it ever be? He knows he has to put himself back out there. But she already has a baby. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This sloth just isn't ready at this point in his life.
I assume. I mean, who really knows, right?
This Draco lizard, Mark, is only the size of a pencil, and he's very self-conscious about it. Another lizard, Kyle, is also on this tree today, and he just oozes toxic masculinity. These two, they have a whole thing. Kyle's always saying mean stuff like, hey, Mark, you're lucky I don't have a piece of paper, you stupid tiny pencil. And that really hurts Mark's feelings. In true Kyle fashion, he instantly resorts to violence. Mark runs away, at first blaming himself for not being tough enough. But then Mark realizes it's not me who has the problem. It's Kyle.
This zebra has been leading his pack to water. He's pretty sure he remembers where it's at. He's really hyped up how awesome it's going to be when they get there.
But once they arrive, it's kind of a letdown. It's usually not this crowded, he tells the others. I guess, you know, the word got out about this place. But everyone's bummed out.
The food the fox seeks is deep beneath the snow. But he doesn't mind. He likes a challenge. He listens carefully to pinpoint his target. He's a great listener. His Myers Briggs personality is ISFJ. So, you know, that's a fact about him.
This female penguin looks on at the flock of men and thinks to herself, why are all the good ones gay? Penguins mate for life.
Except for Carl. He can't stop getting it in. Fuck this guy. Next. Dawn is super into Jill. But sometimes it feels like she doesn't even know he exists. His friends tell him dude, just let her go. But he never listens. There are over three million birds on the island. But only one matters to him.
I guess I can relate. Tried to get back out there recently. I really have.
People just want to hook up. No one's looking for a meaningful relationship. And sure, I like to fuck. Everyone has physical needs. But at the end of the day, you need someone that you can rely on. That's what Dawn is looking for. Or I mean, who fucking knows? They're just birds.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_parnell_raps_about_kirsten_dunst_saturday_night_live | Here now with some celebrity gossip is our own. Chris Parnell, everybody. Well, the it girl of the moment, the person everybody's talking about, is our host tonight, Ms. Kirsten Dunst. very deserving. people want to know, who is she dating? is there a special man in her life? Well, Kirsten, don't hate me for this. But I just have to say it. Kirsten Dunst and I, Chris Parnell, have been dating for the last three years. Yeah, she's amazing. we've just been hanging out in L.a. and having a really good time.
Oh, that's news to me. Yeah, Chris, this is news to all of us. really hard to believe news.
Well, she's a very private person and she probably won't admit any of this. but we love each other very much. And it might sound corny, but to celebrate our love, I wrote a song about our life together. So, Kirsten, this is for you. Yo, yo, yo, listen up. this is the true love song. uh-huh, uh-huh. ever since the day I was born, I've been looking for a home that I could call my own. a beautiful dream, I was just waiting to be shown.
And then God Almighty throws me a mother effing home. one day, she knocked on my door and like a suicidal virgin laid down on the floor. she said, sweet Cp, please take me, I'm yours. But then the bitch passed out and she started to snore. turns out, she got some bad e, but then I woke her up and showed her true ecstasy. And before she went blind, I said, Google, get off Of me. But she said, i'm enjoying my ride.
Can't you see, I've got my kids to G, a million Gs, Glock 23s, Mercedes E's, Minas parties, the Protetes, and a Chris Kraft 43 to Sailor 7zs. just livin'' it up on the west side. everybody just chillin'' poolside. while my rhymes are goin' worldwide, K.t. and me gonna do some slip and slide. in the morning, I went for a run. and when I get back home, she was lyin' in the sun, naked like a statue, the goddess of fun. Then she removed my shorts, my shoes, and my gun. then suddenly, from out of the blue, the shots rang out from behind the bamboo. So I went crazy like Shaka Zulu. I grabbed my dad and put some other F and heat on those fools. What is this crap? if I've been capped, could it be true? my life is new, it's just a nick, I must be quick. Kirsten gettin'' to the pool. 10 minutes later, the clowns were all dead. so I buried them all in the big flower bed. I apologized to Kirsten for all the bloodshed. she just smiled and took me back to bed. I got my Kirsten D, a million Gs, like 23s, Mercedes E's, greenhouse parties, prodigies, and a Chris Graff 43 to sell a Seven Cs. Just livin' it up on the west side, everybody just chillin'' poolside. while my rhymes are goin' worldwide, K.t. and me gonna do some slip and slide.
I know it sounds crazy, but that's our life. Chris! oh, hi, Kirsten. what are you doing? Honey, now's not the time. Okay, everybody, for the record, I met Chris Parnell six days ago, we have never dated, and we certainly have not been having sex in his pool or fighting gun battles.
I'm just, sorry, Jimmy and Tina, I'm really sorry about that. I'm sorry, I apologize. we're sorry, together, yeah. God. sorry about that. Bye. you know, she's uncomfortable talking about us, she's very private, you know.
Chris! Chris Parnell, everybody. sorry. can we get another kiss? I'm Jimmy Fallon. Thanks. |
dropout | when_sure_actually_means_no | Cynthia, would you like to sign up for my niece's lollipop drive?
Um, sure. Are you sure? Sure. No, no, sure. Okay, you said no twice that time, so... What? No, sure, totally.
Okay. Alright, well, I'm just gonna give this to you then. Sure. And if you could just pass it on to the next person when you're done, that'd be great. Sure. Thanks, Cynthia. Hey, is it cool Jerry comes to dinner tonight? Sure. Hey, Cynthia, is it okay if I put this plan on your desk? Sure. Cynthia, do you want to check out my GoFundMe page? Sure. Hey, can I borrow your earbuds? Sure. Thanks. Do you want to come to my improv show tonight? It's mainly audience participation. Sure! Sure. Here. Thank you.
Hey, Siobhan, would you like to sign up for my niece's lollipop drive?
Oh, no thanks. These are a huge scam. Okay, no problem.
Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And now for a white breakdown. Starwipe. Diamondwipe. Venetianwipe. Iris. |
dropout | Honestly_You_Liking_It_Made_Me_Like_It_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jungle Jim. And I'm Tiggle Bitties. Tonight, which household product is killing you and which one is secretly delicious? We've got little sippy cups of all of them and we're going to find out the only way we can, peer reviewed studies. Zim zam, zibbly zow, skibbity boo doo bit dip dang a doodle. No, you're having a stroke. That's just a taste of a new craze called being a fucking idiot. But does it have a dark side? We'll invest the bobsculator with our papa rapport boo. Then we'll talk about your teeth, whether they're clean and how many of you subconsciously ran your tongue over your teeth just now. But first, our top story.
Mules, mules, mules, they're everywhere these days in our homes, in our canals and even in our borax canyons. Some say mules are the future offering the convenience of a donkey with the rugged sex appeal of a horse. But others say mules eat too many of our nation's apples with their frightening chicklet teeth.
One thing's for sure, too many of these sentences ended with a question mark. Thank you Tink for that informative report. And now a beloved local business is closing. For more, we turned to hyper-local reporter, Goober Toober, Goober. Thanks Jungle.
I'm here in what remains of the bad spaghetti factory where for decades, hungry customers lined up at the pasta valve to pump their gullets full of wet noodles. Now the sauce trough is empty. The mama mia meter is silent and the factory is closed.
Standing here alone, I can't help but wonder why the owner locked me in and if I'll ever get out. I'm sorry Goober, you say you're locked in? That's right.
The former owner said the key is packed away in one of these boxes, but he's not sure which one. And also every box has something else in it. Something else, like spaghetti? Spaghetti is certainly a strong possibility given what I've been talking about. It would not surprise me at all if at least one of these boxes is just a bunch of loose spaghetti in it. But Jungle, I can't stress enough, there could be anything in these boxes. Well, I guess you better find that key by randomly choosing a box, blindly reaching in and fishing around for a key.
Thank you, Tiggle Bitties. That is exactly what I'll do. Oh, okay. Always with the, okay.
Box number one, baby. What's in it? It's a bunch of noodles, baby. Okay, I'm searching for the key.
Oh, it smells so bad, guys. Oh my God. Am I supposed to pull this out? I don't think so. What the fuck? Is it sticking to your finger?
It's the noodles at this place were not good. Pukka de Beppo's extra sticky noodle. Ooh, glitter noodles.
Okay, I can get down with this. I hate that your fingers are sticky now. That makes it awful. These are sticking to my fingers now. That's so revolting to me. Oh, Grant not liking it make me like it. Yeah, I don't like it.
Oh, this smells. Ooh, I don't know what these are, but ooh, this is textures.
Wet balls. Wet balls? Wet bouncy balls are in this one. No key here either. Now, is that supposed to be a noodle like thing? Wet balls? Yeah, wet balls. Oh, I'll tell you a little something about wet balls. They're right next to the noodle.
Okay, what even is this? Oh, Jesus. AstroTurf? Oh, this is a little pleasant. Oh, no. Save it for Grant. He's gonna fuck it later. Honestly, you liking it made me like it.
Wait. Is there even? I'm supposed to find a key, right? Hold it up? I wanna see what it is.
Oh, it's gag. It's gag. It's slime.
Oh, the wet balls. The key is in the wet balls. Would you hold up the wet balls so I can see what the wet balls look like? Here are the wet balls. Well, found it. It was in the wet balls.
Well, here it is, the key. I can finally escape this penne-tentiary. Come on. That has imprisoned me. Until next time, I'm Goobertuber and I love kissing. Wow, thanks, Goober.
We go now to our music reporter, the one, the only, Sproin Doingleman. What's up, motherfuckers? I'm Sproin Doingleman coming at you live for me, but pre-taped for you to share all the songs that are burning up the charts. At number three, it's Cry Me A River because you're in denial. We can't play that track for you, but the best part goes like, ooh, and I'm a good singer, so get ready for this. Doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, doo wop, cry me.
That's a song that already exists. I was gonna say, I don't know that copyright exists. At number two, yes, it's the soundtrack to the movie, Mr. Skeleton Bone. Composed by Danny Elfman, this track has no lyrics, but it's unmistakably Elfman.
Yeah. Clash. They're like Elfman scores, they're usually a little bit more. No, no they're not.
And of course, number one on the charts again this week, it's a cover of Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails Hurt from the band Spelunken on Jupiter. Isn't that a ska band? Yes it is, Jungle. To be clear, this is a ska cover of Hurt. It sounds like this. I can't imagine we have the rights to this song or even what ska really is. I think it's when one of the band members wears a hat.
You get a whole big band with you. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. I hurt myself today just so I could no pain. I actually don't know the words to song. Do you wanna come to the Warped Tour with me next time? Absolutely not. It's truly a golden age of music and I am King Midas.
Well, that's all the numbers left on any countdown. Until next time, I'm Sproing Joingleman. Going, doing, that's what I'm doing. Thanks, Sproing. Well, that's all that happened today. The only news remaining is to announce the loser.
Me, Teo, and as punishment, they'll have to put their hands in all the boxes from the spaghetti factory. Can I say I'm a little jealous? I kinda wanna know what they felt like. My hand has been wet the whole episode and just dried up now. Oh, I see the wet balls now. Yeah.
Are they boba balls? Are they not boba balls? No, those- Would you guys describe them to me?
This one's like clay. Yeah. It's like touching clay. That is for sure expired spaghetti. Sure. This one- Oh, it does smell, it smells like feet. It's feet spaghetti. The little balls are nice. |
ClickHole | a_barrel_maker_is_confronted_by_people_whose_lives_were_ruined_by_his_poorly_crafted_barrels | Your barrel was bad. I filled it up with pickles and all the pickle juice leaked out. I slipped on the pickle juice and broke both my legs. Because of your barrels, I was stuck on the floor of my living room for two weeks before someone came to check on me. I only survived by drinking pickle juice.
Your barrels are very loud. They creak continuously, even when you don't touch them. My house sounds like the airport and I barely get any sleep because of the loud barrel you sold me.
I was naked and I didn't have any clothes, so I wore one of your barrels with the shoulder straps so nobody could see me. But there was a little hole in the barrel the size of a thumb and people could peek through and see my nude body. I was so embarrassed, I had to move to a different state. My sweater got snagged on one of your barrels and it was while I was pushing the barrel up a hill. When I tried to free my sweater, the barrel started rolling down the hill and I got yanked straight into a swamp. My wife was having an affair in the swamp. That's how I found out.
The barrel you sold me was filled with pornographic comic books about a sex-crazed frog named Frog Girl. Frog Girl is a frog but has human breasts and human vagina. My husband read all the comics and got obsessed with frog pornography and now he attends something called Frog Con every year.
It's a real strain on our marriage. I have to give you credit where credit is due. Your barrels smell very nice. They smell like chocolate. But my niece got trapped inside one of them and she's still stuck there. She goes to home school in the barrel.
I bought one of your barrels and it was filled with wasps, which is what I wanted because I am a wasp farmer. But the wasps were all dead. I lost everything. Your barrels ruined my life. You owe me an apology for your barrels. I'm sorry. |
TheOnion | Traveler_Entrances_Town_With_Vision_Of_Future | A strange traveler appeared in the small town of Hastings, New York today, bestowing on its residents a grand vision for a utopian future. But to reach that tomorrow, we need a leader who will fight for the big change. He said that tomorrow would be better, but only if we select him as our leader.
The mysterious man arrived from points unknown and was ferried to the center of town where over 300 residents were gathered to learn what had brought this stranger to their small village. The traveler uttered honeyed words describing a future of resplendent delight. He said that if we would follow him, he would save the world, there would be no sickness anymore. He warned us that others would come to our town after him, but they would weave webs of lies and break their promises. He made this sign with his hand, I'm not quite sure what it means, but surely it must be something very important. After speaking for nearly one hour, the traveler descended from his platform and walked right amongst the people, listening to their stories and allowing them to touch his clothes and skin. I told him that I was a teacher and his eyes lit up like they were on fire. He spoke with our local road crew union and when he did that he wore a hard hat just like we wear and so that we wouldn't be frightened of him. The traveler sampled local delicacies and the wares of the simple citizenry. His servants came around and they gave us gifts and I was given this, I will put it on my vehicle. The traveler left suddenly, but the people expect to see him return very soon considering the great interest he showed in their little town. |
cracked | 7_simple_ways_to_fix_congress_elections_gerrymandering_term_limits | Hey, I'm Zorbikangaga, and I'm gonna state the most obvious thing that I'm pretty positive everyone agrees with the United States Congress is the worst We all know this and we can talk about how dysfunctional they are until the cows come home Back to their districts. Yeah, no, South Carolina representative Joe Wilson you lie, okay You lie and I don't know about you guys But I'm getting tired of complaining about the same old partisan posturing corporate sucking cockamamie. Okay, I want solutions I want fixes. I want to never see this dumb can face again obstructionist geriatric turtle from hell positive thoughts Solutions here are seven practical ways we could actually fix Congress first Let's talk about term length as you remember from civics class the House of Representatives is the biggest chamber of Congress made up of 435 members all of which serve a term of only two years and most of that is spent Fundraising to get reelected and not do what they were actually elected to do is make laws that represent their constituents But instead they're just calling campaign donors an entire time like cash monies, please.
Can I have the cash monies? Can I have the monies?
So let's increase their term length the four years so they can actually legislate with that said we also need to put a cap on Those terms to five and then you're out Okay That would give representatives 20 years and senators a whopping 30 because their term length is six years Which is plenty of time to make your mark and then get the fuck out In fact, there are plenty of congressmen that have stuck around way too long like Senator Robert Byrd who? filibustered the Civil Rights Act of 1964 for 14 hours and then continued serving in the Senate until 2010 57 years like are you serious? I mean this guy was like look Oh, I'm that guy taking a stand for segregation and then kept getting reelected until the iPhone 4 like how like hi This guy Congress isn't just about stodgy old stalwart stalling progress. Okay, it's about the hundreds of congressional staffers We're actually doing the nitty gritty work of lawmaking. Let's make that a legit profession, too Currently congressional staffers are underpaid and stretched way too thin Often the talented ones are lured away by higher paying jobs in the private sector thus creating a Revolving door of staffers that use their experience at the capital as a stepping stone for a more lucrative career as a lobbyist But let me ask you this what is more important influencing lawmakers or actually being a lawmaker? Well, if you chose the latter then I don't really mean still have hope but if you chose the former then you probably got Sorted into Slytherin Slytherin got him Harry Potter reference. Look my point is is we need to make the job more attractive pay them more Keep them longer give incentive for bright minds to create policy That's not influenced by partisanship or a bigger paycheck down the road in speaking of lobbyists. That leads me to my third point So over the past 30 years there have been federal laws passed by Congress that have been written verbatim by lobbyists laws Specifically having to do with their own special interests, but wait that that can't be legal, right? Well, it can when you're literally writing the law the most recent example of that was the rollback of financial regulation set by the Dodd-Frank act of 2010 which was meant to protect the market and consumers from risky banking practices that led to the Great Recession then this year Congress Passed a law which reverses many of those protections and guess who wrote it lobbyists for Citibank.
Wait Hold up that they aren't lawmakers. They're their bank. I mean they can't they can't do that, right? How's that possible? Well Congress is so understaffed that they don't even have the capacity nor the time to research or effectively write policy So they outsource it to the very people that stand to benefit from it I mean, that's like putting 11 year old me in charge of my elementary school's chocolate milk distribution and you bet your ass I'm gonna be like yeah, you can go ahead and put all those those cartons in front of Miss Stein's class right here Yeah, I'm dumb.
I'm dumb.
That's not how you So after we've fully staffed Congress with competitively paid congressional staffers, how do we make sure that things still stay nonpartisan? Well, we already have a wonderfully neutral group called the Congressional Budget Office Which assesses the financial effectiveness of each bill written and its impact on the American public. So more things like that, right? Yeah, absolutely Guess what Congress used to have this thing called the Office of Technology Assessment that researched Advancements in science and technology and how to apply that knowledge to federal policy in order to make bureaucracy more streamlined and cost-efficient Then in 1994 conservative Republicans took over Congress for the first time in over 40 years and they were led by this So in the name of limited government They slashed the amount of congressional staffers by almost half and did away with the OTA to streamline bureaucracy thus creating the aforementioned workload issue and doing away with the very People meant to streamline the process you dummies look even fiscal conservatives would agree that it takes a little Investing of money to actually find out how you can save money or God forbid even make money I mean, that's what financial planners do and there was even a recent push to bring back a new and improved Office of Technology Assessment and then we you know Elected who we elected. Yeah, that election was the worst, but you know what? No stress. Okay, we're gonna have another one 2018 midterms, baby And it's high time that midterm elections get the same kind of media coverage that they deserve I mean, it's Congress in fact The primary gauge on whether a president was truly effective or not was their ability to work with Congress and get legislation passed They create policy they decide where tax dollars are allocated They confirmed cabinet members and Supreme Court justices approve treaties. They are the only branch that can officially declare war Yeah, there's no reason why we shouldn't be treating congressional elections with the same amount of stakes We do a presidential election.
I mean, come on. Let's make it big. Let's make it exciting Let's make it sexy. Yeah, sexy election sexy Okay, but sexy may be a challenge.
Okay, but I don't know I mean Maybe we can cover it like March madness where everyone fills out a bracket on all the Races across the country and they can get all kinds of TV coverage with funny beer commercials and deals on large pizzas I mean we can call it midterm may have and you know, that'd be cool Like I'd watch it. I'm a nerd, but I would watch it So my last point has to do with state legislators sneaky way of redrawing congressional districts to give a particular party an electoral advantage And that's called gerrymandering and that needs to be banned. Oh gerrymandering fun word and That's a fun consequence Yeah in fact a federal court in Wisconsin recently ruled that the state drew districts in such a partisan fashion that it violated the Constitution and just this year the Supreme Court ruled that North Carolina drew districts in 2011 that were based on race Which lately violated the Voting Rights Act of 1965. So how about this? Let's just make a constitutional amendment that bans gerrymandering altogether So Congress can be a true representation of the people as intended by the founding slave owners So yay, now we fix Congress, right?
Yeah. Well, I mean not exactly not until we immediately vote out these people Senator Mitch McConnell who's arguably the sole cause of dysfunction in Washington for over the past 10 years He is the worst or maybe it's Paul Ryan. Either way, they're both out also representative Steve King and Doug Lamborn The former has openly promoted white supremacy and the latter referred to President Obama as a tar baby So yeah These guys and certainly Ted Cruz because the Constitution clearly states that a senator must be at least 30 years of age and not a blob Fish, you know what? Let's just let's just get rid of all of them Yeah, that's fixed it, right? Hey guys, thanks for watching If you want to watch another video then hit one of the boxes to either side of me or if you want YouTube to notify You when we have another video hit that bill notification at the bottom. Thanks.
Bye So let's increase their term length to four years so they can actually legislate with that said we also need to put a cap On those terms to five and then you're out Okay That would give representatives 20 years and senators a whopping 30 because their term length is six years Which is plenty of time to make your mark and then get the fuck out In fact, there are plenty of congressmen that have stuck around way too long like Senator Robert Byrd who filibustered the Civil Rights Act of 1964? for 14 hours and then continued serving in the Senate until 2010 57 years like are you serious? I mean this guy was like look Oh, I'm that guy taking a stand for segregation and then kept getting reelected until the iPhone 4 like how like hi This guy Congress isn't just about stodgy old stalwart stalling progress. Okay, it's about the hundreds of Congressional staffers who were actually doing the nitty-gritty work of lawmaking. Let's make that a legit profession, too Currently congressional staffers are underpaid and stretched way too thin Often the talented ones are lured away by higher paying jobs in the private sector thus creating a Revolving door of staffers that use their experience at the capital as a stepping stone for a more lucrative career as lobbyists But let me ask you this what is more important influencing lawmakers or actually being a lawmaker? Well, if you chose the latter then I don't know I mean you still have hope but if you chose the former then you probably got sorted in the Slytherin Slytherin got him Harry Potter reference look my point is is we need to make the job more attractive pay them more Keep them longer give incentive for bright minds to create policy That's not influenced by partisanship or a bigger paycheck down the road in speaking of lobbyists that leads me to my third point So over the past 30 years there have been federal laws passed by Congress that have been written verbatim by lobbyists laws Specifically having to do with their own special interests, but wait that that can't be legal right well It can when you're literally writing the law the most recent example of that was the rollback of financial regulation set by the Dodd-Frank act of 2010 which was meant to protect the market and consumers from risky banking practices that led to the Great Recession then this year Congress passed a law Which reverses many of those protections and guess who wrote it lobbyists for Citibank wait? Hold up that they aren't lawmakers. They're their bank. I mean they can't they can't do that, right? How's that possible well Congress is so understaffed that they don't even have the capacity nor the time to research or effectively write policy So they outsource it to the very people that stand to benefit from it I mean that's like putting 11 year old me in charge of my elementary schools chocolate milk distribution and you bet your ass I'm gonna be like yeah, you can go ahead and put all those those cartons in front of Miss Stein's class right here Yeah, I'm dumb.
I'm dumb.
That's not So after we've fully staffed Congress with competitively paid congressional staffers How do we make sure that things still stay nonpartisan? Well, we already have a wonderfully neutral group called the Congressional Budget Office Which assesses the financial effectiveness of each bill written and its impact on the American public so more things like that, right? Yeah, absolutely Guess what Congress used to have this thing called the Office of Technology Assessment that researched advancements in science and technology and how to apply that knowledge to federal policy in order to make bureaucracy more streamlined and cost-efficient then in 1994 conservative Republicans took over Congress for the first time in over 40 years and they were led by this So in the name of limited government They slashed the amount of congressional staffers by almost half and did away with the OTA to streamline bureaucracy thus creating the aforementioned workload issue and doing away with the very People meant to streamline the process you dummies look even fiscal conservatives would agree that it takes a little Investing of money to actually find out how you can save money or God forbid even make money I mean, that's what financial planners do and there was even a recent push to bring back a new and improved Office of Technology Assessment and then we you know Elected who we elected. Yeah, that election was the worst, but you know what? No stress. Okay, we're gonna have another one 2018 midterms, baby And it's high time that midterm elections get the same kind of media coverage that they deserve I mean, it's Congress in fact The primary gauge on whether a president was truly effective or not was their ability to work with Congress and get legislation passed They create policy they decide where tax dollars are allocated. They confirmed cabinet members and Supreme Court justices approved treaties They are the only branch that can officially declare war There's no reason why we shouldn't be treating congressional elections with the same amount of stakes.
We do a presidential election I mean, come on, let's make it big. Let's make it exciting. Let's make it sexy Sexy election Sexy, okay, but sexy may be a Challenge. Okay, but I don't know I mean, maybe we can cover it like March Madness where everyone fills out a bracket on all the Races across the country and they can get all kinds of TV coverage with funny beer commercials and deals on large pizzas I mean, we can call it midterm ma'am, you know, that'd be cool.
Well, I got like I'd watch it I'm a nerd but I would watch it So my last point has to do with state legislators sneaky way of redrawing congressional districts to give a particular party an election Advantage and that's called gerrymandering and that needs to be banned. Oh gerrymandering. Yeah fun word and That's a fun consequence Yeah in fact a federal court in Wisconsin recently ruled that the state drew districts in such a partisan fashion that it violated the Constitution and just this year the Supreme Court ruled that North Carolina drew districts in 2011 that were based on race Which blatantly violated the Voting Rights Act of 1965. So how about this? Let's just make a constitutional amendment that bans gerrymandering altogether So Congress can be a true representation of the people as intended by the founding slave owners.
So yay now we fix Congress, right? Yeah, well, I mean not exactly not until we immediately vote out these people Senator Mitch McConnell who's arguably the sole cause of dysfunction in Washington for over the past 10 years He is the worst or maybe it's Paul Ryan. Either way, they're both out also representative Steve King and Doug Lamborn The former has openly promoted white supremacy and the latter referred to President Obama as a tar baby So yeah These guys and certainly Ted Cruz because the Constitution clearly states that a senator must be at least 30 years of age and not a blob Fish, you know what? Let's just let's just get rid of all of them Yeah, that's fixed it, right? |
ClickHole | throwback_review_goldeneye_sucks_because_you_don_t_get_to_collect_any_gems | Hey guys, today we're doing a throwback review of Goldeneye for Nintendo 64. It's remembered as being one of the most groundbreaking first-person shooters of its time, but does it still hold up?
Zach, what do you think? I gotta say no. I played the entire game and there were no gems to collect at all. Yeah. I hate to break it to you folks, but Goldeneye did not age well. All you get to do is shoot enemies, which seems pretty pointless if you can't also gather jewels. Right?
There are these varied environments like Russian military bases and secret laboratories, but never do you come across a row of floating diamonds for you to run through to pick up. And that's a real shame, because there are so many empty corridors and air ducts in this game that could have been filled with a treasure trove of gems.
Totally. Every time I came across a bathroom, I'd burst through a stall door expecting to find a hidden sapphire, but usually there was just an enemy guard there and he would suddenly start shooting at me. I hated that. There's no worse feeling than expecting a gem and instead getting shot at.
And pretty much the only thing you can collect in this game is weapons and ammo, which I thought was a pretty weird choice considering they could have gone with gems instead. Wouldn't it make more sense if they let you collect gems, craft 10 gems into a mega gem, and then craft all seven colors of mega gems into an emerald shovel so that you can dig up more gems?
Definitely. But what did you think about the decision to make the main character James Bond? James Bond is okay, I guess, but I would have preferred to play as a character called Gem Boy who's on a quest to find gems. Totally. A character named Gem Boy who's collecting enchanted gems for the Crystal King or something would have been a much better idea. With James Bond, you get all this boring spy stuff that has nothing to do with gems.
So we've been pretty hard on Goldeneye, but I want to mention that I still have nostalgia for the multiplayer mode. Oh, for sure. Yeah, it used to be so much fun to sit on the couch with your friends while playing Goldeneye and you'd talk about gems for hours and hours. Unfortunately, that's probably the only positive thing I can say about this gem-less disaster. Alright, so how'd you rate Goldeneye overall? For being a deeply flawed, terrible game with no gems, I'm giving Goldeneye one star. Ouch. I'm going to be a little more forgiving and give Goldeneye one Storm Shard, which is a magic gem with the power to control the weather, but it doesn't work inside or underground.
Fair enough. See you next time. |
cracked | why_harry_potter_and_hermione_should_have_ended_up_together | My name is Zora Bikangaga, and I am a loud and proud Harry Potter fan. I'm also here to finally settle the argument on whether Hermione should have ended up with Ron or Harry, and the answer is... She should have ended up with neither, but instead spent her late teens and early 20s traveling the world and studying more magic and just making mistakes so she could figure out, like, who she is and what kind of wizard she wants to be with, okay? Like, what she deserves. However, if the series insists that all wizards meet their future spouses at Hogwarts, Harry and Hermione should totally ended up together. Really a no-brainer, and here's why. I know that a lot of Potter fans see this theory as sac-religious or sac-magical. Anyway, like, I get it, alright? Ron and Hermione were a classic will there, won't they? That played out over the course of seven novels and eight movies in, like, 14 years.
The gradual signs of physical affection. The jealousy. We can't forget that kiss.
Yeah. Okay, can we just agree that the timing of that was just really weird? I mean, both of them were drenched in gross Hogwarts sewer water and their classmates were right outside getting murdered by Death Eaters, by the way. That's when they finally decide to kiss, like, then. Like, you want to kiss now? Now? Like, really? Like, everyone's getting murdered. Okay, do not applaud that, alright? Because it is unrealistic on multiple levels, namely because of everything that happened in Deathly Hallows before that moment, which leads me to my first point. Yeah.
Yeah, let's talk about that little camping trip they took. Ron and Hermione and Harry out in the woods on the run, solving clues, looking for Horcruxes, and Ron's being a total dick.
Your parents are dead. You have no family.
Okay, and it's not just because he was wearing the Horcrux chain, by the way, because they all had to take turns wearing it. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione are working together beautifully, okay? Just working back and forth, communicating, which they always do, by the way.
And then Ron gets all salty and jealous and says that he's leaving, and then Harry's like, fine, fine, go, go then. And then Ron's like, come on, Hermione, come on, you coming with me? And then Hermione's like, ooh, I don't know what to do. Oof, ouch, ooh, that hurts. And over the course of several months, Hermione and Harry proceed on this dangerous mission, hunting down Horcruxes, bouncing from hideout to hideout, you know?
Just hanging out with each other and providing companionship and emotional support, like, just vibing. So you're trying to tell me that two unsupervised, straight, cisgendered, emotionally charged 17-year-olds wouldn't have hooked up in that tent. Like, bullshit, they would have totally hooked up in the woods, just like we all did when we were teenagers, and it doesn't matter if you're a muggle or magical or even a half-giant. I thought perhaps you had forgotten me. Don't forget you, 11. Ooh, go Hagrid, go Hagrid, it's your birthday, it's your birthday, getting busy in the forest. But it's not just about them being horny teenagers out in the woods, okay? Oof, steamy, that's, that's just, that was, that was steamy. But no, it was also about years of genuine friendship and mutual admiration, which leads me to my second point.
Remember the whole time-turner sequence in The Prisoner of Azkaban? Harry respected Hermione enough to let her take the lead on the whole time travel thing, all while Ron was, like, laid up in the hospital wing because his, like, leg was hurt because he got bit by that, by Sirius Black, that's what it was, it was seriously hurt. But he was, like, doing nothing. And Harry's like, boom, and then he casts that badass Patronus spell and, like, scatters the Dementors and then, like, Hermione's like, damn, this boy's got skills, though. And then the two share, like, that gnoming moment, like, when they come back and, like, Ron's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. In fact, Harry and Hermione shared plenty of moments that were not forced romantic tension, but it was genuine human affection that was realistic to the circumstances. Hermione, what are you doing?
And what happened to you? No, I've just escaped.
I mean, you have to call Mark under the mistletoe. Well, I just thought seeing as neither of us can go with who we'd really like to, we should go together as friends. Why didn't I think of that?
Merry Christmas, Hermione. Merry Christmas, Harry.
I'm sorry.
It's just a really beautiful friendship, how much true love is based. It's just really beautiful to see. It's like they found love.
Like, how could you not see that? So my next point might be a little psychoanalytical, but if we're going on the Freudian theory that people end up marrying a person who exhibits the characteristics that are similar to one of their parents, I would argue that Hermione is more like Lily Potter than Ginny is. But not me. Don't you trust me? Oh, my bad.
It's just every time I see Ginny from the movies, I always fall asleep. And that's no disrespect to Ginny from the books, who is dope as f***. Or, Ginny from the block, who is my true love. Hermione was muggle-born.
You call me a mudblood. So was Lily. You're a freak! We're a freak, Ginny!
Hermione had a heart for the disadvantaged and reached out to outcast like Neville Longbottom, as did Lily with Snape, which leads me to my final point. J.K. Rowling said it herself. Okay, and that's the way you pronounce her name, I promise. You can look it up. Had she followed her instinct as a writer, Hermione would have ended up with Harry. Harry married Ron's sister Ginny, and then Ron married Hermione. But now the creator says, that was probably a mistake. Then Rowling confessed that she forced Ron and Hermione together because that was her plan from the beginning. But after having distance from the series, she now realizes it would have been on a healthy relationship, which I totally agree with because, ah, Ron was being a total dick! Like he was, ugh. And when Rowling finally admitted this, fans had a complete shit fit, which, again, I understand, okay, if you grew up with the series and it was like your model for true love. But as one finds out later in life, love can be really messy and really complicated. And I agree. Harry and Hermione hooking up in Deathly Hallows would have certainly damaged their friendship with Ron and created a really awkward situation. But it would have been more truthful and it would have been more authentically human. So am I saying that I wish that Harry Potter was more like HBO Girls?
I don't know. Maybe a little bit. All right. But, I mean, come on, let's be real. Does anybody really deserve Hermione? Absolutely not. But, I mean, if it's gonna be anybody, it's gotta be the chosen one who saved all of wizard humanity. I mean, come on. Duh.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, hit that big C in the middle. Or if you want to watch more videos, hit one of the boxes to the right. I promise, they're all good. And also, don't forget to hit the bell notification below so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video. |
dropout | Smartypants_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | Haha, hello old friend, we're going to make magic today. Ahhh!
We're known as the Smarty Pants Society. Nobody in the world is as smart as us. Intellectuals who gather in the dead of night.
Listen, I'm so nervous my butt cheeks are shaking. Are you okay? The hesitation is the big problem. It really is. Every second is bad.
To swap ideas and share discoveries. How to write emails like a white lady. No thank you, The Ocean. Which cryptid is the chillest to blaze with? The United States government should build me, Erika Ishii, a gunder. Wrestling. No matter how outrageous or incorrect. This data is sound and there is no way to find a hole in it. Spider-Man needs to start saying the n-word.
Oh, you got questions? No, just a few. After a couple minutes of half-hearted research, I believe I have an answer for you. Shut up! Bring out the egg treat! Now let's go around the room. You? What's that for? What's the cookout? Vegetables do not exist. Next question. I'm not gonna lie, there are some cons. The big C, if you will. No!
It would feel good. Raise your hand if you were offended just now. Morning people are an oppressive class.
That is so interesting. Cleopatra lives closer to the moon landing than we do today? Very confusing. Sorry, when will I find out? I've literally never heard of that.
Dropout beliefs. Here we go! This is your future! Smarty pants. Get smart.
The dumb way. That's so weird. Yeah. Knowledge is like spaghetti. We slurp it up. |
SaturdayNightLive | republican_debate_cold_open_snl | You're watching Nbc. from the Adrian Arsht Center for the Performing Arts in Florida, It's the third Republican Debate. good evening. I'm Lester Holt. and welcome to the Republican Kids' Table Debate. let's meet the candidates. Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. my wife said I could try this one more time. Former Un Ambassador Nikki Haley. excited to look good in comparison. Florida Governor and owner of the world's most upsetting Smile, Ron Desantis. entrepreneur of the Vake, Rama Swamy. I'm going to talk a lot tonight. And finally, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott. Oh, is that me? it is.
Let's get to the questions. Mr. Rama Swamy, if elected, what would you do on your first day in office? I'd like to begin by not answering your question and instead use this platform to say, her daughter is on Tiktok. keep my daughter's name out of your voice. almost said that, right? Mr. Scott, anything you'd like to add?
I have a girlfriend. Ok. listen about her. she is real. and I know her. And she is my girlfriend. and we met through dating. And for her, I feel a real sense of human love.
Got it. Now, former President Trump is leading in the polls with 56%. Ambassador Haley, why should voters consider you instead? Look, he was the right choice in 2016. but we need to move on. I promise you, one of us on this stage tonight will be the Republican nominee for President. How adorable. they actually think they've got a chance. sad in some ways, but in other ways, funny. Can you believe it, folks? 91 indictments, four trials, and I'm still the best choice.
Now, they're all stuck behind me. And there's nothing they can do about it, just like in real life.
3%, 8%, 14%, 5%. And how about board them, Scott, huh? 1%, very low. lower than, frankly, milk. apparently, there's a milk lower than 1%. people are calling it skim. we've never had it. we don't drink it. But we like skim, Scott. we love him and his girlfriend. not a lot of chemistry between those two, right? they make me and Melania look like Taylor and Travis.
And how about Vivek Ramaswami? we like to say Ramaswami. But do we like him? he makes it hard, doesn't he, folks? this kid, he checks a lot of boxes. he's rich. he's rude. he's got weird hair. he's a lot like me, except for one thing that matters a lot to my horrible, horrible base. white. Sad. he's going nowhere. And look at who Snl has playing him, poor ego. you don't like it. she doesn't like it. she used to be Lisa from Temecula. now she's Vivek from Ramaswami. And look who they got playing meatball. Ron, one of the Destroy Boys. Ron's watching at home like, who the hell is that? Boy, Ron Desantis. even Snl doesn't think he has a chance. if they did, it'd be like Paul Rudd or something in there, right?
And how about Nikki Haley, right? I call her bird brain, but only in public. She made some terrible points in that debate. I think. I don't really know. I have trouble hearing women over 25.
But let's be honest. we're not going to have a President whose name is Nikki. President Nikki just doesn't sound right, probably because it's a woman's name. And how could we forget Chris Christie?
It's actually pretty easy. you just walk away. isn't it sad, folks? none of them can beat Joe Biden. the worst president since, frankly, me. Joe Biden, he's so old. the mentals are clearly in decline. and I am losing it also. you're seeing it all the time. we're seeing it a lot. I say things like, I'm beating Obama. that's not right, but I say it. it's funny.
And they say, why aren't you at the debate, Mr. Trump? where's Trump? But I couldn't be at the debate because I'm very, very busy.
I'm going from trial to trial. I'm basically doing house hunters, but with courtroom. But how horrible are these trials, making all my children testify against me? my sweet little middle-aged criminal children. so awful to bring in the family. it'll be very sad when I pin it all on one of them, probably Eric. Wow. look at them back there, still frozen, trying not to blink, trying not to move. stuck on stage while I cook. But they're after me, folks. they're coming after me. they're saying I committed fraud. Not true, Ok? not true. I've committed a lot of things, adultery, treason, a lot of fraud, perhaps. I've been on my best behavior in court. the judge asks, did you approve these financial reports? and I very respectfully say, you're a dumbass. this is a sham. when I'm President again, I'll have you executed. they're not big fans, especially Tish James, Attorney General, who is very racist, the worst kind of racism, racism against whites, after everything we've done for the world in terms of airplane and with regard to Beach Boys.
So that concludes the debate. And that's probably a wrap on some of these impressions as well. look at Eggo, so relieved. Anyway, I'll pick one of these lucky five to be my Vp, or in many ways, I will. Not at all. maybe in my third term. And live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
ClickHole | behind_the_scenes_at_clickhole_how_we_create_viral_content | Hello, I'm Samuel Rage and I'm Chief Digital Officer of ClickHole.com. You know, a lot of people always want to know how ClickHole creates its world-famous viral content. Well, I will tell you. Every day at noon, our Senior Secretary of Junior Viral Solutions, Jeremy Grandy, calls us on our pagers to let us know that it's time to make viral content. The first step to making viral content is to figure out what young people are interested in so they'll want to share it on the internet.
Okay, everyone, what are influencers into these days? I think the celebrity Babe Ruth likes baseball. Perfect. I guess influencers are crazy about baseball.
Abraham, what about you? My 46-year-old famous nephew called me last night to tell me that termites ate his wife that he carved off. Maybe we could make content about termites. Hmm, yes. I guess influencers are also wild about termites.
Once we figured out what things influencers are interested in, we combined all of those things into a single piece of content engineered to go absolutely viral. Our staff carefully composes the image and writes a witty caption that's guaranteed to resonate with our audience. After that, our resident computer whiz, Abraham, makes the font too small to read. Then he uses his programming skills to make it humongous. Once the content is finished, then it's time to blast it into the water. It's time to blast it into the wilderness by posting it on social media.
To reward the staff for their amazing work, I knock my own toupee off with a broom to show the staff my true form. And to really cut loose, I soak up some seawater from our victory bowl into my toupee and wring it out into special victory goblets for the staff to drink. Then, I give a toast to inspire my team to cheating death and living forever. Here's to immortality.
After that, we leave for a six-hour lunch break and Jeremy Grandy goes to sleep on the floor.
And that's the way that ClickHole makes viral content. Thank you so much for learning from me, and thank you for everything you've let me take from you. You're the reason I'm never going to die, and I'm so grateful to you. Until next time, as we say at ClickHole, termites is a grand slam. |
cracked | 11_brilliant_clues_hidden_in_famous_movies_and_tv_shows | Oh, that's very nice. I'll still count down! Come on, PG! Oh, my God! Einhorn is a man!
There's no unauthorized breeding in Jurassic Park, because all the animals in Jurassic Park are female. We're saying that life, uh, finds a way.
Who's inside for me or the skull? Gotcha! You thought I didn't see your knife, did you? Who didn't throw in?
Mr. Pink.
What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?
John, it's late. Honey, I was beginning to worry about you. If you hurry home, we can sit down and have dinner together.
I was dreaming about dogs.
We use them to spot terminators. Now that we're in control, no one else gets hurt.
You'll keep saying that, and it's bullshit every time!
You know what we should do tomorrow? Keep drinking. We'll have a bloody merry first thing.
Uh, uh, Mary, I'm warning you. Have a bite of the king's head. Couple of the little princess.
Sorry, what are you doing? We'll stagger back him. I'm back at the bar for shock. Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe. Because apparently if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious.
Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt. Take off your shirt, you show it. I don't, I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them the, you take off that shirt.
Yeah. You know what we should do tomorrow? Keep drinking. We'll have a bloody merry first thing.
Uh, uh, Mary, I'm, I'm warning you. Have a bite of the king's head. Couple of the little princess.
Sorry, what are you doing? We'll stagger back him. I'm back at the bar for shock. Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe. Because apparently if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious.
Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you show it. I don't, I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them the, you take off that shirt. Yeah. |
cracked | nope_review_aka_ufnope | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club and for movies which I like books a bit better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jessica Nalley.
Say hello. Wow. Hello.
That was our best one ever. Our internet being awful at the office. Yeah, Jordan and I picked up a communicable disease where we are as pixelated in real life as we look on your streams right now.
Yeah. That's why you got to stay home, just like I did, we stayed at home. Yeah, I am in the big apple, as they say here. All the time. Nobody says that. Everyone keeps telling you to stop calling it that. Like everybody, you know how we're in a big apple? They're like, stop, call the apples.
What are you going to do? Don't say pizza. Are you going to go see a show, eat or see a museum? What are you going to do?
I'm going to go to bed at some point. I'm very tired.
I am intending to film something in front of an Arby's in Manhattan. They have Arby's other places too, you know. Yeah, but all the good ones are here in New York. Well, yeah, but you got to get the footage of like, oh my God, I'm in New York.
It doesn't matter. I have plans. I have things that I'm going to do. And speaking of the future, if anybody has an observation or a question or an alternate movie title, just put it in the chat and we'll talk about it later.
I feel so weird because I can hear the echo around me in a way that I don't. Something about the big apple, it's just the acoustics. It's big, baby. It's got an echo. It's big. It's a big, stupid apple sounds like crap at the end and it's bad.
Back home, Jordan's surrounded by hay and horses and other sound dampening farm staples. He's far away in the foothills of California. What? He's got a, Jordan's got a studio built out of horse apples.
Yeah, I don't know. I'm just going to keep going because my brain is freaking out. Jesse, you want to recap it?
Yeah. Do I? Yeah. Oh yeah. Spoilers. So, you know. Yeah.
Spoilers. This is certainly not spoiler free and it's a very good movie. So don't get spoiled. Yeah. That's my good advice. But also don't turn off the stream. Just maybe mute us and put your phone down. No, but yeah, this is a very hard movie to describe without spoiling.
But essentially we've got a brother-sister duo who are looking after a farmhouse and a farm, a bunch of horses. And because their father, right, was mysteriously killed in broad daylight by some mysterious projectile. And they're both trying to get to the bottom of that, but also trying to keep up their horse business. Very importantly, their horse business is providing horses for Hollywood films and that sort of thing. And they're sort of tied back to the oldest filmed horse in history.
So there's a lot of history on TV and movies tied into all this stuff. And human, right? So anyway, they start to notice this high strangeness and they're determined to get to the bottom of it and simultaneously become huge international stars for being the first people to document UFOs or UAPs or whatever the new term is. So they go about doing that through... They get all kinds of high technology and stuff and they set it all up all over their ranch. And they go about simultaneously battling this mysterious monster. As it turns out, it's not so much a UFO as it is an actual single angry being. So they're trying to battle it and also capture it on film.
But it is very much a horror film. It's not so much like an escape this spooky house, but it still has a lot of really good classic horror tropes.
Right. So have you said what the UFO is? I have not. It is. How would you even describe it? Yeah, big spoilers, big spoilers, big spoilers. It's like a big dude who sucks you up. No, it's the thing is that it's alive and it's a predator. And we don't necessarily know if it's like otherworldly or not per se, but it is. That's a good question. It is unusual in that you've never seen it before. But basically, it's not like it's not housing aliens or anything. It itself is eating people and horses and things.
And I mean, they've only noticed it for like six months or something like that. So it's not like it's been there since the dawn of time or something. So I think you can still assume that it's probably from another planet, but also interesting. Well, no, I thought it I guess you're right. I thought there was something historic to it. Like it seemed like it was trying to touch on like these long standing rumors about like what UFOs out in the middle of the desert are. But maybe this one in particular was pretty recent. Well, it could have been. But even still, I think I don't think they would still have a horse ranch for like five generations if a frickin' UFO has been sinking up horses.
Oh, yeah. You're just going to pick up and move your horse ranch? Okay, sure.
Well, like every three days. At the very least, it has been six months because it is said in the movie that it has been six months since the untimely death of their father who was killed by falling space junk.
And that we learn came from the alien talk about a cold open. My God. What a what a cold open for this movie like my I like genuinely was like jaw dropped. Like such a way to suck you in to a very strange movie. But like to start it off with just like these questions. It was great. I like I think that was one of my favorite openings of a movie like maybe ever. Can you can you describe the opening because I don't remember exactly what you're talking about. Like the projectiles or was there something before.
Yeah.
So like I don't even know if movies technically have the phrase cold open. And that's more of like a sitcom thing. But like the part of the movie that you were introduced to even before the title is Daniel Kaluuya's character OJ is on his ranch with his father who's kind of a difficult man who has a lot of high expectations and doesn't seem to think that he that OJ like lives up to set expectations. You get a really good glimpse of just like what their life is like on a day to day basis, which is like a lot of work and not a lot of talk. They are on a ranch.
And suddenly there's like the sound of like maybe hail or something. You don't know what it is. It's like ping ping ping ping ping. And when you look back over his father has like slumped over and then falls off his horse. And it's because something like impaled him through the head and you have no idea what it is.
And then it's like revealed when you go to the hospital that it was a nickel. You're like a nickel.
And then he goes back to the ranch and there's a key, a key sticking out of the horse's butt. And then it's like, no. And you're like, OK, I'm in. Like what a genuinely start to that movie. Well, it's like, you know, if a key works on a car, why wouldn't it work on a horse and you try and stick it in? And, you know, I don't think that part's weird. I don't think it's weird to stick keys in horses. I'm just going to throw that out there. Yeah, it was. But the thing is, you don't got to make you don't got to make new holes in the horse if you're going to put a key in.
They've got enough. Well, I know that now. Oh, that's my title. That's my title pitch is either holes or horse got plenty of holes. Good. Just remember those for the whole horse.
Also something that's fun about the movie is that there is a repeated use of sort of title cards as like chapter headings, so to speak. And they are a little abstract. They're not always like, you know, like the escape.
It'll be like named after one of the horses on the ranch or they're mainly horses. They were awesome. No, no, because one was Gordy. They're all horses. Nope. Oh, you're right. But they all are animal names.
Which I think sort of brings us to some of the larger themes of the movie potentially. But I just like that. Like we are fully experiencing a very confident film director, just like kind of trying stuff, which like I love.
I think that like we so rarely take risks on people as like I hate using this word. It makes me sound so pretentious. It makes me feel like I'm not.
I'm not that interested in like the interest like, oh, tours. But like, it's like the word I'm saying, like, We like there's very little like investment in people as just like people of just being like, I don't care what it is you make just make it. I'm like, we're excited about it. Just just do it.
Here's some money. like just have the freedom to explore because like we kind of talked about that in men which honestly the more that I think about it the more I've decided I don't like the movie like at all like we talked about it like the day after I saw it and I was like maybe I like it maybe I don't like it and like in the last month I've been like don't like it don't like it not gonna see it again don't like it um but I still feel very positively about Alex Garland as a person who he just like who as a person who makes movies I did not like that movie but like he makes such undeniable movies and they're like so clearly his movies and like I just feel that way too about it's just like exciting that's like great another Jordan Peele movie let's let's let's hurry up and go just viewers keep in mind that this is this is Ali saying you should separate the art from the artist in in all cases yes in all cases no exceptions yeah yeah well I feel like Jordan Peele is is becoming potentially kind of akin to a kirsty for Nolan who makes more blockbuster stuff like more accessible um like big cool interesting sci-fi stuff but it is original I mean obviously he makes batmans and now he's doing Oppenheimer and stuff like that and he did Dunkirk I guess it doesn't do it all the time but it doesn't and it is it's almost like it's kind of that thing where it's now with Jordan Peele it's like well I have to go see every movie he makes regardless because I I need the world to continue to create directors like this so that not everything is built into a franchise so just the fact like Alex Garland's like I gotta go see his movie even even if I don't like it because I need I need the algorithm essentially to keep spitting out these types of movies yeah and I feel that way we're like now that upon I did like this movie a lot I've actually so I did I lag out yeah I think so and then I talked over you I'm sorry I think I think the important thing here is we got to go back and find other sketch comedy staples and let them start directing feature-length movies I'm talking like I'm talking Chris Kattan. Chris Kattan. Well what about who went Mrs. Swan? Let's bring them back. Alex Bornstein she's on Miss Maisel she's busy.
Oh okay okay that's a shame. That's a shame. Bummer for her to be on a big hit series that's a real bummer.
Yeah I mean like what do we want to do we want to just jump on in to themes like it's such a big movie it's kind of almost hard to talk about because like where do you start? Yeah I guess I feel like I wanted to I wanted to talk through like Gordy story because I feel like that informs a lot of the movie and it's kind of the second main plot thing.
Am I lagging out? I'm freaking out. No you're fine right now. You're good man. Okay um uh so just because I'm scared I can't believe I come to the big apple the big the big old apple and the wi-fi sucks here. Yeah there's tons of emails getting sent all all around and through you.
Wait were were you going to say that you're hold on were you going to say that you're scared of monkeys? Uh no I'm not although my daughter is. Great I am and I felt really very justified watching this movie. Yeah well you know who else is scared of monkeys is Jordan Peele. Did you see that people unearthed a tweet from like eight years ago where he's like I had a dream that a baby monkey killed a bunch of people and they gave me a hug and I woke up crying. Do you see that? I just I have always felt a sort of implicit mistrust for monkeys and I um you know like you're gonna get me killed.
Um I just like you know like when like when you're when your mom is like you'll poke your eye out and then like you poke your eye out and she's like like that's how I I'm always like I don't really I just don't think we they know too much but not enough. It's a bad combination of knowing too much but not enough. I didn't really trust and so I felt really justified. Yeah they're powerful and and we don't understand them.
They're big and they throw tantrums. They're like babies. They're like really strong babies. Extremely strong babies.
I don't like it so. I'm with you man. I mean I understand that I'm saying something that is basically the author's intent on the part of like a point of the movie and but like just specifically that it was a monkey. I just want to say I don't like them.
Sure yeah and I think it did it did touch on a lot of like that's one thing along with like they no longer like drug uh teen and tween stars but like one thing that Hollywood has sort of gotten right is they've stopped um abusing animals quite so much and that was one of the themes of of the film. So they were saying even like basically the first film ever filmed was a stop motion of the guy riding the horse and that was the they are the brother and sister are the descendants of that guy if I if I caught that correctly right. Yes uh great great grandkids. Yeah so they got that horse who he wasn't necessarily like you know a Hollywood horse or whatever but then you fast forward to this Hollywood monkey who wreaks havoc and then of course there was that guy he was the kid in the scene where the monkey killed everybody um he went on to go ahead and exploit this skyborn beast in some way he so we find out that he has a nearby ranch where um he's he's inviting people to like pay a quarter to like watch him I guess feed a horse to the monster to the sky monster. You know I never really thought about what the show was going to be and I think you are right. Yeah probably going to try and feed that horse lucky so and um I think the whole thing is that the horse is supposed to run out and it sucks it up but it didn't run out so it sucked all of them up basically is what ended up happening. It was also already kind of angry because it showed up early right it did show up early showed up real early they knew something was off so anyway it's basically sort of like going from like the absolute earliest example of using animals for film to like extrapolating it to its like logical conclusion which is like using a giant alien I guess for film but uh and it's that same thing of like so they're mad when the the unknowable beast doesn't act the way you want it to because we are like obsessed with like you know taming taming the predator and being like no it's not a predator it's a thing we totally understand and like can control our and exercise our will over and so it's like you know we're even doing that from from horses to uh giant sky beasts where we're just like no no it'll come when I tell it to because I'm a human and I assume well actually so I I agree but I think there's a caveat to that which is oh sorry good you're good sorry it's it this is truly the worst of all the internets um I I think there's a caveat to that which is I do think that OJ knows how to handle the horse I think the problem is that the Hollywood people don't like they stick the camera in his face and so the horse flips out and kicks something and I think it's more about the exploitation like the not giving the consideration that it deserves so like Gordy could be fine somewhere else maybe but like it wasn't trained enough or or it wasn't uh like they didn't have control over it same with the beast obviously like nobody was ever going to tame that I think a horse that was actually an example of somebody like doing the right thing and even at the end of the movie OJ kind of gets to that point where he's like this is a predator this is an animal so we need to treat it as such and here are the things that I know about animals and taming them and so he actually respects it in the right way treats it as the right thing in in some ways and so I think it's it's something about this like yeah this exploitative nature of trying to make things and do things and obviously even beyond that um he's exploiting his own tragedy um Glenn or yeah I think if it was Glenn from Walking Dead no it's Jupiter they call him Jup Jup Jup Jup I need to get out of my head for what I just see Glenn I'm just like Glenn your eyeballs pop hey it's Glenn I know Glenn um no it's like um uh two points one is you're saying that like OJ at the end like learns how to treat it but even then learning how to treat it is basically it's a predator don't look it in the eye leave it alone there is no like amazing sequence where he like conquers the beast like it's how to treat it is leave it leave it the f alone like it let it do its thing like don't look it don't engage and also I thought the character of Jupiter was like really fascinating one of my favorite weird characters in a long time because is he exploiting what happened to him or is he one of those deeply traumatized people that need to take control of the narrative in any way possible because to have it be an act of senseless what's that movie you watch that I like so much writers of justice or like the girl is trying to make sense of the tragedy on the train with the mom dying and like the whole thing was he's just like it's just chaos it's just chaos you will never find the answer it but it's like when people are like severely traumatized you have an inclination to grasp the moment as hard as you can and go it's not bad it's not bad it's funny actually actually what's it's actually funny that made fun of it on SNL it's the best sketch they've ever done like oh yeah like do you know what I'm saying like I thought he was fascinating and like sometimes I like first of all the stuff with all the like the being on set stuff the Hollywood stuff was excruciating which like you can only ever make when you have like been in those excruciating situations like wow what a what a master class in just like making sets seem as bad as they are sometimes um but also like I I see how this character came out of the brain of somebody who has been working in Hollywood for such a long time and has had to undergo so much stupid criticism and then praise and then criticism and then praise and then you're the it person and then actually we don't like your thing anymore like I was like oh like this is the creation of a person who intimately understands like fame and like the trauma of fame do you know what I mean oh yeah I was very interested what's that one line from the old man who was making a documentary about eyeballs very luckily oh yeah we'd actually had that line where he was like yeah he's like uh this is the dream like you're basically like you're chasing fame well fame is the dream that you don't wake up from yes he says this dream you're chasing when you're at the top of the mountain all eyes on you it's the dream you never wake up from that seems that's like the most tragic moment of the whole movie I think because that's like Jordan Peele being like um I'd like to go back to mad tv please honestly that was like some earnest hemming way shit that like that like struck me deep I was like I'm gonna put that in my english thesis so um I actually think you're you're kind of onto something Allie uh so Zach and G is asking why was the shoe standing and um Brian and I were talking about this earlier actually Brian sitting right there um I like that you looked at him like you had a hostage in the room yeah yeah um Brian um and I think the points of the for people that missed it or whatever the shoe is standing upright in the ostensibly the am I lagging out what are you laughing no no no Brian just keep going tag power on I'm actually I'm gonna address this really quick Harlan is asking why is Allie's camera the only one in good quality because we are actually in New York City in the offices of the company that owns us and yet well it's because that is terrible there are three or four other websites using the same wi-fi that we're on to run their business and uh so it's I don't think that's it it's pretty stressed and I'm at home so I'm also in New York where the internet is um good often um I have gigabit anyway it doesn't matter um you can complain about New York City air you're probably getting a cancer from spending a week here but the pizza and the wi-fi are fine yeah now tell me why the shoe was standing because I didn't get that part I didn't get that either so here's what I think to your to your point about it being a sort of tragedy that he doesn't know how to process I think the shoe standing is an indicator that this is filtered through his vision his memory of the event because that's an impossible thing and sometimes when you're remembering something you're latching onto something weird like maybe there was something weird with the shoe but it's impossible and I think the monkey giving him the fist bump before he gets shot didn't happen really I think I think that's a an indicator of him in the moment already trying to bring some like positive spin like oh there's a connection to me still like Gordy didn't want to kill me uh because fist bump uh we invented the because remember he's talking to about how they invented the exploding fist bump yeah they invented that and so oh it's exploding gross that's what I said yeah no you're right but it's that's very poignant now um and I I think it's sort of more of it's the memory of the event but literally filtered as a memory and some of it is unreal like some of it is not true and I think to your point so like when he goes back to even discuss the event he's talking about the SNL sketch version of the event uh if that makes sense and so it is tough to know like okay so what is the what are we trying to say about that exactly like what is that what is Jordan Peele's take on all of that um is he saying that there are people that will exploit their own tragedies because they don't know what to do are they doing it because that's how cynical and nihilistic the world is that they're like well we can make a buck off it because ultimately that's sort of what OJ is doing right or not and more so uh Kiki Palmer's character that I can't remember I can never remember character names I just see actors uh it was emerald but they called her okay um they immediately aren't like hey we should get out of here and take the horses and run they're like our only hope is to like essentially what the cinematographer does is like I'm gonna die to get this perfect shot because if we leave here without getting this shot like we're gonna financially be ruined so we have to literally risk our lives to make money kind of yeah there was a lot of that cynical there's just a really like dark undercurrent of people being willing to get everything to like get some shot and get some money and whatever rather than saying you know maybe I could do something else with my horses or whatever there's a part where they're all having dinner before they're like going to execute the plan for real and it's um the brother and the sister angel the IT guy and um the cinematographer whose name was crazy it's like harlan or antler or something so i'm sorry i forgot it um and uh there's like a moment and like Kiki Palmer goes so like like we'll get the shot and it'll be like great and we'll sell it and stuff but like we're gonna it'll help people too right like oh yeah like it'll help people to know that there's an alien and we got it on film and then everybody sort of half-heartedly is like sure yeah yeah yeah i just like i really loved that because it's like she's not wrong it's definitely not at the forefront of their minds but no she's not wrong and so they're kind of like oh yeah no that too that definitely too that's part of it right that's that's our main motivator uh for sure yeah i uh anyway i just think that that that connection to juke and his past and what he's doing now because two again like his branch is named after the only movie he ever did that anybody gave a crap about like that's he's he's literally taking just a couple of things that ever hit and just squeezing the ever loving crap out of them and and i think you know even oj too to some extent like the only thing they know is these freaking show show business and horses and like they're having to feed the horses to the freaking monster to keep the dream alive because they can't think of anything else to do with horses or their lives or anything it is just kind of a very um yeah like if if if fame is the dream you never wake up from so is ostensibly content creation or something like like the making of things where you like once i've made something i can't do anything else there is like a part of the movie that's like very explicitly that which is the the guy from tmz coming yeah who like is like i don't care if i die where's your camera how were you not taking a picture of this right now and that was like that was great i like thought that was like really um shocking like i was like both like disgusted and like laughing at the same time because like it was like scary and i didn't know what was going to happen but also like it was so absurd that like my response was to laugh which is 100 the authorial intention there but like it's just great it's like we are how can we prove it happened how can we prove i was part of it how can we prove i made a difference if i didn't film it right it's like the whole movie is about like how can we prove i'd made a difference if i didn't film it in some way yeah yeah um anyway so i i i really like that but i do think so uh again talking to brian my hostage in uh brooklyn office i i i will say i will say that um this is not my favorite jordan teal movie in a lot of ways and it's really not the thematic stuff i really thought once the monster starts eating people and stuff and once you kind of get what it is it's really good but i do think it started pretty slow and i do think uh other than nickels flying through people's eyeballs and stuff i just didn't i didn't love the characters as much as i did with get out we're like with get out i was happy to just see people sit around and talk until the crazy things happened and in this one i i just never cared as much uh as i as i wish that i would like i wish that angels played by riz amed just because i i've got such night crawler vibes from him yes it's kind of the color of the hair and stuff too yeah they're sort of like the same dude the same la dude yeah anyway i i mean i i didn't dislike anything at all and i do think it was really really good and obviously thematically i think it's fascinating it's also so it's weird how jordan peal in just two movies has gone from nobody in the world really misinterpreted get out i mean i think there was a couple of layers to it like that made it more rich but this one is pretty esoteric in some ways like you have to really like we're still just sort of guessing like why the hell is there a shoe what does the monkey have to do with anything and it's it's it's harder to decipher i think then i i went to go see the movie yesterday and i like went to see it with a friend and we like talked about it as we like walked to the train and one thing i said was like i don't like like looking up like what did the movie mean but there seemed to be uh many present threads and they all and i didn't know if there was something unifying for all of those that i was just like too dumb to get and just like missed it which is like possible or if they really were just sort of intended as uh equally important but disparate like threads of a thing um and so i started to read a couple reviews and one that i like really thought like nailed the why you may or may not like it more or less than his other films without necessarily being like uh like a criticism or a positive is that uh as a reviewer named lex prior and i read it on something called the ringer and the quote is there's likely to be lots of hand waving over whether the shapelessness makes nope a flawed or worthwhile work medley is an acquired taste i was like because like i really like that because it doesn't say like medley is an acquired taste and i don't like it like i think it like just like really kind of like what the movie is without assigning like good or bad to it and i do think that this movie is that where it's like there are quite a few narrative and also um allegorical threads and they are all related but it's not like so simple as like this is the thesis of get out this is the thesis of us it's definitely a little more like medley it's like i i like think that was like such a good way of describing it and like i think different people will identify and or uh jive with different like parts of it more and like sure that is also like neither a strength nor a weakness like it's just like what the movie is um yeah and it's like what's the narrative that you follow most closely is it like performance performance gone awry is it uh commodity and fame is it making um predators and unknowable things into attraction because that's what humans do is it um using the otherworldly to fill holes in our life when our personal lives suck uh i just like horses is it is it horses is it is it horses i think for me it's not even that i would mind all of that i think i just wanted a uh a guy that i i i was more endeared to taking me through all of that i suppose like again same actor i i think he's amazing and everything's in pretty much but like in get out everything that's happening to chris is awesome because it's happening to chris and i care about everything that's happening to chris and everything he says i think is like really funny and the perfect fit for everything and honestly even having like uh is it rod his best friend or whatever it's such a good foil for him and and all that stuff and it's not that nope wasn't and i i would say that uh juke is to your point was actually probably my favorite character because i immediately latch on to like oh whatever's going on with this guy i'm very i'd like to get into that brain yeah he felt very he felt very complex immediately it was just interesting and sad and removed and it was really weird and really cool and oj just kind of like came out the gate kind of sad and his dad died so he's sad more and his sister came and he's like i'm kind of annoyed by you and it's not really like none of it's like wrong it doesn't mean that it's it was like bad or they should have done something different i just it's one of those things when you're talking about a movie and you're trying to critique it sometimes it's just subjective like i don't know my butt felt weird in the seat at certain points and i i can't you know i can't that's not jordan peale's fault there's just something about the it didn't get all of my heart in the way that once the monster starts ripping everything up and the thing really gets going then i was i was having fun and i like the the family dynamics especially when they bring in the cinematographer it got really fun and really interesting also like that house being like rained in blood it was like so yeah poltergeist steven spielbergie it's just yeah it was great i i will say like i do agree that like it is a bold move to make the protagonist of your film and the entry port number of your film somebody who's quite closed off it's very difficult to get into their head because they just like don't talk as much and their feelings are in at the surface and so like it is like a it is a more difficult job than when you're like hey perks and rec here's leslie nope she'll tell you everything you know what i'm saying she loves everything she'll tell you everything everything positive it's very different to like start with the entry point of the movie being this person who's like dealing with with grief and family issues and hollywood drama like all that stuff like like for him to be a more closed off person is just a difficult narrative thread to yeah thread and it's needle to read i don't know yeah and and so it's fine but i i didn't um like my favorite part was just just his dynamic even with geeky palmer was when they when the cinematographer brings the camera that they wanted and they're like doing the high five thing yeah and i felt i felt that felt like a more genuine emotion of like oh they are friends like they do like each other because it they they i think they played here's the thing is i don't know what it is stranger things really suffered from this in like the third season i don't really like adults fighting and like being annoyed with each other all the time there's times that could be fun but it's just like isn't every movie adults fighting yeah no jordan wants adults doing karate at different levels of a hotel or whatever hell yeah that's that's what i want um karate's more of a dance in a fight i don't know i just i i think when it drags on to i wanted to be interspersed with with moments of like them also liking each other so then when the the conflict's there it's like it just took a while for me to be like does oj like his sister at all like they mentioned she keeps mentioning you like me right and he's like yeah i think it was like that's oj i don't know i think i think he had to grow up really fast even before his dad died he was sort of like he was sort of the golden child which in that particular instance like really sucked for him as a kid you know right he was on the set of scorpion king with his dad when he was like i think he said he was 12 yeah that's messed up right yeah so like all these horrors of hollywood has just been this dude's reality and he's also that's also a weird thing too he's got two lives one of them is living on a ranch and feeding horses even when there's like aliens coming and trying to kill him and then also like having to deal with these hollywood types and navigate all those personalities yeah i did like that i did really like i i felt it more and this it was a little bit later but when he's like yeah somebody's i gotta feed the horses like i'm not gonna not feed the horses like this is what i do and i and i got that like when we get more of that i thought it was pretty good it's just i don't know he was just sort of nebulously sad and depressed for a while and it just made me nebulously sad and depressed and then again like it kind of we got over it and we moved on but i think it just started slower than i would have expected from to that to that end part of part of that slow start was like they they threw a bunch of red herrings right because there was like the bug on the camera and you're kind of like okay did the alien creatures like send this bug to go nark and like to nark camera like i thought imaginary like was this movie set and on venus yeah well no but like i thought that we considered the alien sent a bug to the camera that's the craziest most convoluted way for an alien to take out a camera it's got that at that point why would it at that point we first of all didn't have lasers we didn't but at that point we didn't know anything about it and i thought maybe these were bug people and they commuted with bugs i thought they were gonna like i thought they were gonna have some sort of control over nature okay you think it makes more sense than just i want you to start writing some scripts because your ideas are so crazy yeah honestly you should you should write whatever version of that movie that is because it's very interesting i'm gonna watch the first 30 minutes what you should do is yeah you should watch right the first 15 minutes of a movie and then finish it and then we'll rewrite the first 15 minutes because what you have thought is so insane sure i mean this is the craziest thing you've thought but it's just like right i agree it's insane now that we thought that except you okay now that we know that the ufo is actually a single alien who is made out of sails and it was kind of like a clam or whatever which is not crazy at all sure sound so but so it's so unsatisfying to me that just randomly a praying mantis just happened to show up and sit on the camera also he even says like wow i ain't seen one of these in a while like what was the why did it show up there it's such a such a freaking we should whatever now we should get the praying the gothra they didn't get on oprah but we should get that we should we should ask it some questions thank you harlan why is everybody laughing no but but really that does seem very unsatisfying to me now that the the grass the praying mantis was just completely random that's not allowed well it's not allowed so the reason it happened is because they needed a problem with the camera what would you have preferred well why didn't why couldn't so the aliens could make cameras stop working how come they can only make one camera at a time stop working they're not doing it intentionally it's it's just like the it just does that when it gets close enough yeah it's not because it's not a ship it's a freaking it's like a freaking bat it's a thing which freaking bat yeah so okay fine just maybe there's my all title the frick is back i think make the big weird moth alien then just make that camera go out because that's one of its powers it makes cameras stop don't throw bugs at it yeah but it does do that like 400 times i think 401 is enough it's all i need um i thought there was one i thought there was one red herring and or thread that got dropped i couldn't really tell i like was walking with a friend last night and i was like can you tell me like your opinion on this before i make a fool of myself on a podcast tomorrow so in the beginning of the movie the thing that spooks the horse that gets them fired off the hollywood set is they hold up like a big metal ball on a stick that's meant to like test like light refraction and the horse spooks and it kicks and they get fired then he's having a little fight with kiki bomber and he's like i got work to do you see that he has also bought a metal ball and you see him taping it to a stick and i was like hmm this is gonna come back big time in the end this guy's gonna use this to spook the alien something something something then the tmz guy shows up and he's got a big old shiny helmet that looks exactly like the ball on the stick yeah i'm like oh here we are here comes the payoff for the ball on the stick no i think i think it attracted the alien or maybe just like that attracted the alien and not the fact that it was a thing that was moving moving so i mean okay so well the first objective thing is that he has a flashback to that moment and he realizes don't look it in the eyes so that's one of the payoffs you think that's you think that's what it is is that the horse saw its own eyes and was like fuck me and then it kicked um yes actually okay i think that so there's at least that oj i mean i think it quite literally flashes back to that moment and he looks down yes so there is that uh as far as the specifics of like i agree with jesse i thought that the tmz dude's helmet pissed off the i mean obviously it also just like killed the motorcycle and stuff but i i do think that was i mean his head was i think also his his head looked like yeah looked like an eyeball because it had a single eye hole which made it a pupil right yeah and it was like completely round and shiny like it definitely was like an intentional nod to an object what if what if a grasshopper landed on his one eye hole wouldn't that be crazy i don't think that's a crazy moment i think it's just a way to it doesn't matter and then um uh and then oh what was the other thing um i think him taping i think he was going to try and train his horse to chill the hell out i think that was why he was making one of his own um like i think he was like well this screwed us maybe i should i mean i should train them with it see that makes more sense to me in my mind it was very much like a jaws type segment where they like get back to hq and are making the harpoon that's going to kill the thing because you know what i mean like to me it felt i thought it was like alien killing time but you might be right that it's just that he was going to take it out to the field and make sure horses don't spook on set again that's what i i thought i don't remember that part i feels like the main crux of it was he remembered predators don't like or animals don't like being looked at in the eyeball that was kind of the main full circle of it okay is my guess i think he might be right i think maybe i i maybe i pulled a jesse and i was like this is going to be the alien killing machine and i was just sort of writing my own narrative in that moment so pulling a jesse is using your brain yeah pulling a jesse is when you write the best movie ever even better than the one you're seeing and then you're perpetually let down by the actual movie that had to work within the constraints of some kind of logic somewhere sure yeah yeah this book shows up out of nowhere he just purchased it for the exact right amount of time no there's a bug in a movie it's because a freaking alien said we all know that it's a classic trope i want brian brian are people i think people in the comments are probably pro jesse can you oh yeah it's gonna confirm can you confirm nor deny oh there you go thank you fresh boy jb but you guys are all saying them it was literally it's one at the time we didn't know that it was one thing at the time it was still just aliens because again that was another red herring was they had the little creepy little alien kids running around his horse barn yeah that was like another thing where you're like oh i guess it's going to be little little green men thank you kaitlyn st john you just you just like jesse because he's you know being piled on it's just uh it's not a logic thing sometimes you love the underdog you gotta love the underdog exactly i think the meaner we are about jess's ideas the more nobody's been under more dogs than me i'll tell you that oh my god brian are hostage that's it i'm gonna chop your feet off flitter um oh my god this is how this is how we kill jordan i mean it's fine but what all i'm saying is that objectively it was not sent by the aliens which is well your original point was but there were a couple of people they're like no i definitely think the alien sent the bug but okay just wait a minute here so no when we find out what the alien is this alien can like create a crowd around it's like you're very right about that that's not equal um wait what does that have to do with this nothing it's a difference and it's a different thing in general it's a different show i was like what did i miss i blacked out sometime during this podcast he's been trying to say grasshopper which in japanese means uh i don't know what's it means it means it means but uh anyway but okay so the alien in actuality can create a crowd a cloud around itself and like move around inside of a cloud like so maybe that's more logical than being able that's what kind of i thought it could control nature a little bit okay i gotta say jessie's starting to sell me on this because i was like we've never seen it control nature and then it kind of does it does kind of make a cloud around itself if i could control all of nature hypo i would kill you with a monkey it is important not to look jordan in the eye ever why would i send one grasshopper to take out one camera for two seconds when i don't appear to know what the hell a camera is or does because you're saying that you could i'm too down to notice windstorm and kill it but and blow the camera no i'm saying that this thing doesn't even know the difference between a freaking fake horse and a real horse really that is true it's just it's back on jordan's side i'm back on jordan's side but it's clever it's kind of like i am legend where they're like oh they're just crazy monsters but they're crazy monsters that rig uh like mannequins to pulley systems and stuff like that it's got to be one of the other i mean it's just like monkeys are very intelligent in very specific directions and they're pretty dumb don't tell any monkeys i said this but they could be kind of dumb in other directions like this thing is reasonably intelligent i think and if you know uh it also i could see good i'm wondering if so we think it's not intentionally not being photographed something that huge um never being photographed until it's like intricately tricked into it we don't think i i was still under the impression that it was figuring out how to not be spotted well it kills the power though i mean like even if it's not trying i mean i do think it's trying to hide i think it's trying to hunt but i don't think it kills power accidentally not accidentally but just as a part of its it doesn't turn it on and off it just i mean it's literally it's a proximity thing yeah it's it's not like it's it's off and then it turns them on and then things die it's it's you can see it coming because of all the freaking wavy dudes are dying i mean that's why they set them all up right so that they can get an approximate location because if it was again if it was smart enough to turn off or whatever you would just you know i don't know hold its sphincter tightly close until it uh it got to the spot that needed to so i want to say two things about the sphincter yeah yeah one that i liked very unusual it was like a black square which very much invokes looking down the barrel of a camera it's like the gate around the camera it's like a fancy hollywood camera it's also kind of like an old-fashioned sort of like back before we had like the circular lens like thing like we had to box around it to control the light and stuff like that baby there it is yo that was exactly like an alien butthole dude looks exactly like an alien's butt slash mouth which by the way butts and mouths are the same when we were a jellyfish so it actually made a lot of sense yeah back in old hollywood butts and mouths were all the same this is really good jesse we have a sketch on our hands here i feel like i'm in the movie right i really feel like i'm in the movie right now uh-oh i'm a camera i hope a bug doesn't land on my face i love it i'm loving this i think all comedy should be prop comedy um and then the second thing that i wanted to say is less intelligence than that which is that that poor female co-star from gordie's home she had her face ripped off and then she came out in public one time and got eaten by an alien i felt so bad for her i thought about her the rest of the movie yeah what a life so brave of her to come out there to show up you know i mean the narrative that i wrote in my head is that she's largely pretty reclusive yeah and then i was like oh she's being so nice and she's going to support her co-star after this huge trauma that bonded them and then she gets eaten by an alien that day i people like crazy i remember that first season of stranger things everyone was like justice for bar what about four what about her what about her yeah yeah amen i'd like to think that maybe she welcomed it like an independence day that one like the stripper friend that goes up to the top of the building and she's like she's like when they open up i thought you were gonna say i thought you could say randy quaid or whatever drove up into that alien's butthole but yeah but she didn't do anything she wasn't she didn't like grab a sword and fly up or something but she was just like yeah i guess until she died but i don't know she i'll think about her for a long time i don't know i did not like that that happened to her that really did i mean because they they lingered on that disgusting scene so long at least a couple of times and then to see her yeah that was really that was really that was really tough i felt really horrible and i'm also very claustrophobic i'm getting all my fears out monkeys small spaces so that really i was like i was like oh i would have asked for someone to kill me while we were in there honestly what if uh yeah i would have been like i can't be here any longer someone kill me like nope nope no you child with the fake with a little cap gun yeah i would i would have i would say just get me um get me so we we should we should move on to the to the people but really quick do we think that the the big floaty doll killed it or just injured it i didn't like that because that thing's that thing's not gonna float they're not filling that with helium it was floating though it was a no i know but i'm saying that it shouldn't have been it shouldn't have floated literally macy's day parade every year has hundreds of those things yeah wait why don't you think why don't you think it don't float up in the air they they hold them down so they don't get blown around they don't just float straight up into the air but they what are you talking they do do you think they're holding it up by pushing oh okay that's true that's true okay that's fine fine you got me okay you're right about that but still but that thing wasn't floating that thing was tied to the ground it just needed to be inflated so it was big that is true they probably wouldn't have actually paid to fill it with helium right if it didn't need to float but also we never saw the show maybe the big part of the show was the floaty thing i think maybe you think every inflated thing is inflated with helium if it's if it's gonna if it's gonna be upright otherwise yeah the thing will just flop around no if you fill something with air that isn't specifically helium it will still like the gas will fill the container that is like the law of gases is that like the gas will how do you think it stand up right when if like say uh uh i mean you have to wait it i guess in some how do you get it to stay upright though i guess they had it all they had because it's so full of air that it um presses out the casing so the casing appears um taught and so it stays upright and then when it starts to lose air it sags do you know what i'm saying like if you see something that's filled with air and it starts to lose air it starts being like but like before then it's fine yeah i think it was i think it was staying upright because it was tied the distribution of weight i guess i feel like if i just inflated some random shaped object it wouldn't necessarily stand like it would fall over i guess it's not like it's not anything but they've got me the head shaped balloon yeah but they have that do you remember that quote from always sunny it's like that sounds false but i don't know about enough about stars to refute it that's how i that's what i feel we're doing now where we're just like that doesn't sound right but i don't know enough about air all i know is about balloons and i know the laws of gases because i watch it yeah i know horses and i know bugs balloons well okay regardless of whether they should have filled it with helium they did and it looked like it killed it i guess right i don't know yeah i think it did but i don't popped i don't know why but i thought the balloon was being compressed by the innards and it popped and so it like killed it from the inside out because it like like destroyed its insides like a like a big serving to talk about i just wasn't sure if it was super dead and the only reason i feel like that's important is because what's the i mean there's no point in her taking a picture if it's going to be dead in the heap 30 you know like 30 feet away i also don't know that it's like yeah but she got it in the air which is a pretty big thing because otherwise people would be like this is a prank somebody left these banksies at it again leaving things that look like a like a thing in the desert so like the fact that she saw that she captured it in action was i think very important yeah it looks very elegant in action that's that's right i also but i also am and confused why it even ate the big boy anyway because the big boy was covered in flags which it had already learned not to consume anymore it had i don't know i thought it was i thought that was i was looking at him in the eye like this and that it was yes you come you talk to me that's what i thought i think definitely and then it ate it but i but i thought the whole point of like they had so much flag stuff these trailing flags everywhere and i thought they even said like ah it hates flags now but it's never gonna eat a flag again so let's cover our bait in flags uh i don't know man she was just cutting it free i don't think she had a lot of time to think about it i thought it was matted flags but yeah but you're probably right i don't know i that that part is a little confusing because now i'm not even 100 sure what i think about i don't know maybe that's why that's the point is that it's thank you it's the correct correct maybe the point is that it's not that intelligent it's a creature of like rage and reaction and stuff like that so it's probably confused but i think you're right that like very clear eye contact he's just like i'm just gonna eat yeah he's like i'm walking here and then he eats it because of the big apple all right let's uh let's see what the let's move that takes place the big apple we're gonna go to that we're gonna go to the people uh see what they say it's a lot of all titles okay people do say this is the people podcast too in the horror genre what would you sub genre it as it was mentioned that it isn't really an escape the house type of film obviously not at all yeah um what would you say i mean i mean sci-fi horror home alone we have talked about this before but i forgot the answer jordan has never seen jaws this movie is jaws okay like like with love i'm not saying like oh jim peel ripped off jaws like like i think like he was like he's like saying like i can make jaws too like here's here's new jaws jaws too more jaws um like but like it has a lot of similarities that it's like the big unknowable beast our desire to control it we want to go that life is normal but it's getting in the dang way of our life like and then there's like the whole like hunting aspect there's the computer genius who reappears who's like you're not going to get very far without me the guy who can track it there's the the scientist who's obsessed with it who gets eaten by the beast because it went he went one step too far sorry i'm spoiling jaws for jordan um there's like there's like a lot of jaws similarities here yeah okay yeah then let's just say that i don't disagree i didn't have a better answer for that so jaws it's like jaws um trevor finley told me a million things that i should do and be locked places one of which is to watch mission don't say that jordan will never leave he will be there forever don't say that they still got shelly miskovitch now they're gonna get me for saying that jordan is jordan is held together by his satans if he loses a single fate and he's just gonna collapse i've all i've been saying that um so the james offers an alternative thing of the shoe well it's not necessarily alternative but maybe it's another way to look at it too is the shoe is to solidify the idea of spectacle and because he was looking at that spectacle instead of the monkey although i will say a monkey beating the shit out of people is a bit more of a spectacle to me than a shoe standing upright but it is like a thing about like when you are your brain does weird stuff when you are in like a dead very traumatic situation and it like very forcefully sort of focuses in on things or doesn't focus in on things and like people will tell stories about like you know having like a really like horrible home invasion and all they remember is like what the tile looked like when they were laying on the floor and that's like all they remember and it's like this is like a very common thing that like your brain is doing it on purpose it's like building the the cushion because like it's like you won't be able to live and like process if we don't start cushioning now and so like people forget large portions of events and like that's why like testimony shit is always so weird where people be like i don't remember people like well it was a really bad idea to remember it's like actually if it's really bad you wouldn't remember like that's like on purpose like your brain like like fucking does that i don't know i'm off topic but you know brains no yeah i think you're right me talking with like a very small understanding of science um just being like yes you know anyway science sorry well all i'm saying is that for the purposes of from jordan's perspective i i just i don't know if the shoe itself solidifies all of spectacle i mean i just to say that that's a spectacle that was more exciting than the monkey murder is sort of a little iffy to me but it's not a bad idea necessarily or wrong idea because i don't know anything about anything trevor finley says that get out was award-winning us was serious rick and morty which is weird and nope was a sci-fi tv movie story i don't know maybe sure i mean it's a very different it's also just like a different it's like a monster hunt movie if you're asking for like a sub genre and so like if that to you feels more like a sci-fi tv like sharknado-y type thing then then cool that's what it feels like to you but i do think that that is the genre and i think whether or not that genre is for you i would say it's like it's like pokemon snap the movie oh no we're gonna move on from that i'm not even gonna um i just came you're actually not wrong um uh it's just hard to root for someone say named oj says zac and g undeniable it was a very funny joke when that like sort of out of touch older white actress was like your name is oj that was a very funny moment yeah uh fresh boy jb which is my alter ego says i thought it was a bug sent by them too yeah jesse's burner account well i was like you're also you're awesome jesse byseman jesse byseman nope this is jordan peel movie this is a jordan breeding feature jordan versus jordan coincidence great thoughts uh thank you for starring that pry and i made this podcast much better how do we feel about directors reusing the same actors i think it's great get fresh actors in there no i love it i like love when an when a director becomes obsessed with an actor and is like you're gonna be in everything i think that's so cool and then obviously it's like every actor's fucking dream and so imagine being like the person that jordan peels like yeah you i like you and come on however i want to just say for the record i would risk it all for kiki bomber kiki bomber i know you're not watching this because you've got way better things to do but if this gets back to you in some way or another i just need you to know i live in new york city and i would risk it all for you the pizza sucks and the wi-fi is bad but alley's got a lot of other things to offer besides those things my wi-fi's great in my apartment so if you're looking for a place to hook up to wi-fi you can just come over any time just don't come to literally media headquarters um jellyfish can't burp just apparently that's the thing that sounds like another science other science guys making a science point but who knows well um can they fart i guess i don't know hmm i guess burps a lot of times are from the air that you ingest while you're swallowing right and if you're underwater you're not swallowing a whole ton of air underwater you could burp oh because we're talking about real jellyfish sorry i was like he's in the sky i don't know i thought you had another insane theory sorry but when you think about it the air it's like water is the air is the sea of the sky uh-huh it's like it's like a sea i could not gonna lie i watched that grasshopper for like 10 minutes before i realized it was not a jellyfish anyone else anyone else i was trying to find he doesn't have a mouth he doesn't have a butt that's a jellyfish um uh elijah snow says it's territorial and another large creature in the air attacks it so regardless of flags it's going to eat it i think that's fair that's what i think space but to jesse's point what the flags are there's a reason that there are flags and so it's it's a little unclear are we to believe that it's uh it cares so much it's willing to forget about flags or or what or is it pissing it off um jaws is to nope what rocky three was to the dark night rises hold on i need to do some math in my head do you know what this means when you flag it rocky three is not one that immediately comes to mind and i know that dark night rises was the worst of the trilogy wait but i think what they're saying is that if jaws is sort of like a proto nope then rocky three is the like source of inspiration for dark night rises but i don't think i uh see how do they both crawl out of a large pit at some point i think they both go yeah i actually remember marion coteard being like adrian adrian she was like uh don't don't box anymore hey don't give me a box i hate it i really i can't you know i was just reading that nope is actually inspired by a bug's life stop i wrote that in my notes app okay i could i could i could defend that thesis because in a bug's life at the end it's all about it's all about utilizing the predator the bird to kill the bad um grasshopper who's like the villain and it's like it's like you it's like nature it's like utilizing nature as uh do you know what i'm talking about i'm sorry i was an english major so i can justify anything i'm an english major too yeah paper so you know world war two justify that huh watsies they're bad justify them huh anyway so i don't know i'm actually gonna get on the bug's life thing with you i'm gonna get on hardcore there's still room on this train and it wants to get on we're gonna do alternate titles you ready zac and g says um or uh-uh i suppose that is another one that's another way to say no this is one of my favorites so far several people suggested it but uh don't look up so i had a weird little theory in my brain that is completely and totally not based in reality this is me being jesse enough people say don't look up in the movie that i was like i wonder if an early draft this movie was called don't look up and then they were like ah shit what's not that anymore what else do people say uh i don't know grasshopper but then grasshopper man there's a bug on your camera no gordy stop pounding me damn it everybody's saying good title lucky jean jacket no no that's very interesting i like that theory uh yeah that's good i like this one you have no i actually i literally have in my notes uf note so that's good i really like that i think those are both big winners i think mine was a little better just kidding uh wow oh jh maximus is that joe maximus joe what's up are you still watching hey joe i know joe is this another one of your hostages you can tell us yeah i'm like joe what's up how did you get access to the internet i thought we had taken that away from you in the basement i thought the alien had turned off all your power all right are you guys ready because we're about to see anime titties five times in a row because yes brian steve's pretty drawn to it for some reason i don't know why just sort of like oh my god like a great point good just a lot of good points from this avenue there are some good points being raised here we should see another one of their points what no no no hold on oh rocky's defeating the first back has to reinvent himself with those mentors yeah but that's every movie that's not rocky 3 they didn't invent you lose at the beginning but then you get better and then you win holy shit this movie's crazy you guys see rockin 3 i wanna i'm trying to think of other movies that like very famously did that before i don't know i guess it's a famous trope oh we're back to the same comment again just to see the titties at this point i assume yeah yeah yeah brian's jett brian's like just whatever we can find i'm just gonna throw it up all right so galacticus the horse whisperer i think that's a comic book thing but i'm not kids all right i was too busy learning about the air the theories of air pressure to uh to read comic books um slurper that's good i like slurper that's slurper um chicken little oh that's good but i feel like is there a play on that though like horse big or zardos to the super sucker again a reference to a film actually seen but i know that uh he's he's in a tiny little man thong in that film how are we getting we just got like 50 more viewers and at the very end of this frickin i is it because the anime titties is brian keep it up um predator versus exploiter feels a little on the nose but i like it big fan anime titties big fan also not a bad title um big fan anime titties um okay and then gone with the wind nice i really like that too i don't um spoiler alert have any so i like yours uh uh yeah what do you got jessie okay let's see here all right uh uh oh okay here's okay uh okay ready dap yep uh bugs life uh of course biblically accurate mollusk and uh horse got plenty of holes yeah i did like that quote in the very beginning of the movie that was like i'll make you a terrifying spectacle or some something like that i didn't understand exactly what that meant it right it was like um i wish i could remember the exact uh quote i'll cover you in shit and make you unpalatable and stuff yeah but it was like but it specifically had the word like um spectacle or something like that like it had like a word that like could have a good connotation but like was like very much like intentionally being used badly to say like like you'll that it will be a cause of suffering i wish i could remember i'm sorry i didn't do my i didn't do my homework i forgot about that part too or nor or more all right that's it we should be done um jessie where can we find you hey find me on twitter at isman e i s e m a n n alie i'm at miss alice nutting on twitter and all the other places um if you are kiki palmer and kiki palmer only i'll tell you my address everybody else get out of here um yeah um kiki palmer i would shake your hand as well i suppose um uh you can find me at the underscore j underscore breeding also make correct videos on occasion and um do you want to watch all that stupid stupid ass jazz next week are you gonna you want to die on that hill we're gonna watch all that jazz are we really gonna do it don't don't tease me don't say we're gonna do it and then not do it well let's do it i mean it's on we could also do another one of my favorite movies about horses freaking out because they know about the the sky falling which is um melancholia i don't want to uh you get one every season uh no i'm just kidding so uh do you want to do all all that all the dumb ass i mean i want to do all that jazz but if you're mean to me about all that jazz i will kill you well we don't know if i'm gonna be upset or not but it is an old movie it's not that old uh 50 years it's not like we're a child today and your kids are gonna be like you're old you're gonna be like i'm not that old no you don't understand stepbrothers is a classic yeah you're gonna remember this conversation and i want you to feel bad um where where all my all that jazz heads at rise up sound off jazz heads rise up oh nice yeah warmed up by jay's hands all right um great so we'll watch that next week and also we're live streaming every thursday at 4 pm so come here to to hear just just be eviscerate all that jazz and for jesse to say i got halfway through this movie and i thought we were talking about heavy metal and going to space i noticed a bug in this movie and i think there's more to it i would like to hear your theories about what's happening in all that jazz for sure hey yeah i'll have some theories uh and also you know this is call crack movie club and we exist on spotify and apple podcast and things like that if you don't want to see the horrible wi-fi that we have in this place and i'll put a link in the description where you can suggest movies for us that we may or may not watch and that's it we're gonna say goodbye now goodbye for now |
TheOnion | Son_Of_A_Bitch_Mouse_Solves_Maze_Researchers_Spent_Months_Building_The_Topical_Ep_31 | MUSIC Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one son-of-a-bitch mouse is to blame. And later, an alarming new study from the Department of Transportation says the majority of freeway accidents could have easily been filmed.
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and when I read you the news, I feel invincible. Stay with us. Together, we can take on anything. And let's take over the canned soup market together.
Well, it was supposed to be a day of celebration, but a huge setback in the field of neuroscience happened at the University of Iowa today.
I'm joined by OPR's Rebecca Neal, who has the story. Thanks for joining us, Rebecca. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
So what happened? Why are these researchers so disappointed?
Well, it all started a few years ago when these neuroscientists began creating a highly intricate Y maze for a mouse subject to go through. By observing the mouse's cognitive processes while going through the maze over a long period of time, the researchers believed they'd be able to make key discoveries that could change the face of neuroscience as we know it. Sounds like a worthwhile study. So they put millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours into the experiment, spent months securing the funding, learning complex 3D modeling software, all so they could build this maze they believed would take weeks, even months, for the mouse to finish. But when they began the experiment earlier today, they didn't receive the results they were hoping for.
Okay, I'm Richard Barrett, lead researcher, and today is truly a historic occasion as we begin what is sure to be a long, long journey on the road to expanding our knowledge of the human condition. We've worked endlessly for years, but today we're about to try the maze for the first time. All of this work is finally going to pay off. Here we go.
Release the gate. Releasing gate.
Truly an incredible. What the fuck? He already found his way to the cheese. What the fuck? He solved it in like two seconds. This took us fucking forever, and he solved it just like that. Son of a bitch. Fucking little bastard.
Yikes, I for one would not want to be on that research team. Me neither, Leslie.
This study was supposed to assist in the treatment of lots of neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, muscular atrophy, you name it. But now it looks like it's a complete dud, all thanks to this mouse that the researchers are calling, quote, a total piece of shit.
You little fucker. It's taunting us. Look at it. It's just running back and forth through the maze.
You asshole. You think you're some kind of big hot shot? Fuck you.
God, I work so hard on this. All this sleepless nights. My wife left me. I haven't spoken to my kids in months. I should have never become a scientist. Wow, a true tragedy.
Thanks for your reporting, Rebecca. Thank you. The U.S. Department of Transportation released a report earlier this week, which found that the majority of our nation's freeway accidents could have easily been filmed. OPR reporter Charles Dearborn has been covering this story and joins me now. Charles, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me.
Obviously, it's always a tragedy when you hear about a car accident that could have been filmed but wasn't, whether it's a routine fender bender or a semi-truck flipping upside down and spilling stuff everywhere, but to hear that the majority of freeway crashes could have been recorded, that's tough to swallow. What can you tell us about this report? Well, you're right. It's alarming. According to the new data, over 70 percent of car accidents were situations where, had someone been paying a little bit more attention perhaps, we could have avoided not having cool video coverage of it altogether. That's a high percentage. And correct me if I'm wrong, earlier data from the Department of Transportation found that the number of freeway accidents in the country is up at the moment, while footage of these crashes is way down. Yeah, it's a disturbing trend. So many car crashes tragically have no surviving footage at all. And their new study may have found out why. I spoke with Department of Transportation spokesperson Emily Patzell, who says the report identified a few common reasons why so many accidents go unfilmed.
Texting while the driver should have been filming is a leading factor in most crashes never being seen by the internet. If you see something happening, don't text while driving. Drivers should pull over safely to the side of the road, zoom in for some closeups of the twisted metal and bloody shards of glass strewn across the road, and then text. Patzell says texting causes nearly two-thirds of accidents to go uncaptured, and lack of video can also be caused by human error. Sure, a driver briefly having his or her eyes on the road instead of on the wreckage a few lanes over or behind them. But according to the DOT, texting has actually surpassed the previous leading cause of unfilmed car accidents, drunk driving.
Unfortunately, yes. And even when a good Samaritan does step in to film, oftentimes it's too late. They might miss the good stuff, you know?
I spoke with members of the group Mothers Against Missing Sweet Fucking Car Crashes, or MAMSVIC, and they don't seem surprised by the data. One member, Holly Mitchell, knows all too well how in just one moment you can lose everything you thought you had on video. The DOT will be providing drivers with a series of tips and warnings through a new ad campaign they're calling Click It or Miss It. Patzell says she's hoping that drivers will put this advice into practice to ensure that not a second of viral content of a car careening off an overpass is senselessly lost. It's scary to think you could be forced to tell the story of a sick crash you saw instead of being able to pull it up on your phone. Yeah, but the truth is, no matter how much they prepare, drivers can't predict when an accident will occur, and every second counts. So if you just stay calm, take a deep breath, and remember, WMP, where's my phone?
You should be okay. Great advice. It's always important to be prepared. Thanks, Charles. Thank you.
You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. Unfortunately for my kids, though, they're stuck with me as their dad, but that's okay. My tough love is good for them and for the future of BetterHelp. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical.
Now please everyone, stop telling me your problems because it's really stressing me out. Here are the other stories you'll be mercilessly ridiculed for not being familiar with today. Better listen up.
Residents of Philadelphia have a big change coming their way. Starting today, the city will be known exclusively as Direct TV Pennsylvania, after cream cheese manufacturer Philadelphia was outbid for the naming rights.
On Wall Street stock and Pinterest plummeted today after the social media company announced that a security breach may have exposed millions of private meal prep boards. Users affected will be able to file a claim and in return, receive photos of wedding dresses that are out of their price range.
And quite an achievement today, for only the third time this century, the entire adult population of the United States was completely nude at 631 this morning. An extremely rare feat that hadn't happened since March 3rd, 2006. Congratulations everyone.
That's it for the topical, I'm Leslie Price, and tonight I'm seeing a special screening of Godzilla vs Kong, so you know tomorrow's episode is gonna be sick. See you then. I, I pointed the camera the wrong way. I just recorded my face. Heartbreaking.
Charles, how is the Department of Transportation getting the word out to help motorists film these easily filmable accidents? The DOT will be providing drivers with a series of tips and warnings through a new ad campaign they're calling Click It or Miss It. Patzel says she's hoping that drivers will put this advice into practice to ensure that not a second of viral content of a car careening off an overpass is senselessly lost. It's scary to think you could be forced to tell the story of a sick crash you saw instead of being able to pull it up on your phone. Yeah, but the truth is, no matter how much they prepare, drivers can't predict when an accident will occur, and every second counts. So if you just stay calm, take a deep breath, and remember, WMP.
Where's my phone?
You should be okay. Great advice. It's always important to be prepared. Thanks, Charles. Thank you.
Is there something interfering with your happiness, or is something preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I tell my kids. I've got my own damn problems to deal with, okay? I'm not your counselor. I can't help you. Leave me alone.
Luckily for my listeners and my kids, there's BetterHelp. BetterHelp will match you with your own licensed professional therapist so you can receive professional counseling securely and online. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. Unfortunately for my kids, though, they're stuck with me as their dad, but that's okay. My tough love is good for them and for the future of BetterHelp. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical.
Now please, everyone, stop telling me your problems because it's really stressing me out. Here are the other stories you'll be mercilessly ridiculed for not being familiar with today. Better listen up.
Residents of Philadelphia have a big change coming their way. Starting today, the city will be known exclusively as Direct TV Pennsylvania after cream cheese manufacturer Philadelphia was outbid for the naming rights.
On Wall Street stock and Pinterest plummeted today after the social media company announced that a security breach may have exposed millions of private meal prep boards. Users affected will be able to file a claim and in return, receive photos of wedding dresses that are out of their price range.
And quite an achievement today. For only the third time this century, the entire adult population of the United States was completely nude at 631 this morning. An extremely rare feat that hadn't happened since March 3rd, 2006.
Congratulations, everyone. That's it for the topical. I'm Leslie Price, and tonight I'm seeing a special screening of Godzilla vs. Kong, so you know tomorrow's episode is gonna be sick. See you then. |
dropout | killer_s_mask_is_inconvenient | You heading out? Yep. Oh, actually I'll come in. Mmm. You got any plans for the weekend? Huh. What was that? Hi. Hello? Creepy. Oh, you know what?
I have a flashlight on my phone. Hold on. Yeah, everyone does. Don't be a dick. My phone makes calls. Does yours? Yeah, okay. Just shut up. Aah!
Ugh. This dumb mask. I can't see anything.
Are you okay? Don't ask him that. He's trying to kill us. Don't tell me what to do.
Oh, my God.
I'm okay, but you won't be.
What? I didn't. What? What was that?
Oh, my God, this mask.
I said I'm okay, but you won't be. I'm okay, but you won't be. I'm not. I hurt.
Oh, God! Do you need help? Do you need a polo? Katie. Polo. Over here.
Gosh, this is so embarrassing. This isn't even my first kill, you know.
Yeah, you seem very professional. Thank you. I just, you know, I went to the store and this mask looked so good, but then you actually tried to kill someone in it, and it's like... It's like... But it does look good, right? Like, I look pretty scary? Yeah, you look great.
But why don't you just take it off? Well, if I take it off, you're gonna know who I am.
Stop helping him. Okay, both of you, stop yelling at me. Sorry.
Besides, it was like 60 bucks. 60 dollars seems reasonable. 60's way too much.
Where was I? You were chasing us trying to kill us. Katie James Marovitch, if you would...
That is what he was doing. Is that not what he was doing? Okay, no. That is what he was doing.
He was trying to kill us. And I told him. He wasn't chasing us. He was killing us. He was trying... He was chasing us to kill him.
Kill him!
I got you now! Oh my god! My coat! What?
Oh guys, it smells in here. Like, it's that gross, rubbery plastic smell. It is nauseating. Yeah, well, I heard baking soda helps with that. I hope he kills you. Every time I breathe, like the condensation builds up. It is so gross and hot in here.
And I'm wearing glasses, okay? So it sticks it to my face and then they fog up.
Can someone hold this? Oh, sure. Thank you. I don't have any packets on this robe. That's how stupid this is. And it's so long. Can you guys turn around? Yeah. What are you doing? He has a knife.
I'm stunned.
Okay, I'm good. Can I have my knife, bro? Oh, yeah. Yeah, better give him the knife. Thank you, buddy. All right, let's do this.
Is he dead? Oh my God! I didn't know trap wore glasses. Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_50_rusty_young | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners, and thank you for tuning in to The Batooter Advocate radio show, wherever you may be in the Diamond Tina Shire, or in the world. As always, my name is Errol Parker, and sitting alongside me in the booth today is Clancy Overall. Yes, hello again, if you are a regular listener, and thanks for dropping in if you're a guest. As is the norm on this show, we've lined up an interesting interviewee today. He's come in and he's going to have a little chat with us here in Koala Mattress Studios on Desert Rock FM.
But it's been a big week with the suppression order lifted on the Cardinal Pell story. Funnily enough, we aren't in the know here at The Batooter Advocate, so we found out when the rest of the public found out that Cardinal Pell had been convicted, and we've written quite a lot about it. And as hard as we tried to get a member of the Catholic Church in here to talk to us, they've all gone quiet.
But Father Bob, we look forward to having you on the show, and or Tony Abbott. And we're keeping in theme with last week's show in a roundabout kind of way, aren't we Clancy? Yes, that's right Errol, following on from last week's discussion with the very funny boys from Hello Sport about the NRL off-season and the scandals that came with it. We've got someone else in today to talk about the rampant cocaine use and violence in a fairly different setting. Yeah, he's talking about it, but not in the front of a nightclub at 3am kind of setting.
His name is Rusty Young, and he is the best selling author of the book Marching Powder, which you might be aware of. It sold over 600,000 copies, it's been out for almost 10 years. He's a documentary maker, and he also spent time as a counter-terrorism expert in Colombia. And of course he's done much, much more, which we're going to get into. Yes, he spent plenty of time in Bolivia, Colombia, and South America, Central America in general. His book Marching Powder was written after he voluntarily spent time in a now famous Bolivian prison. Yeah, he's originally an uptown boy from Sydney, but he's just released a new book which is set to be released in the United States and the United Kingdom later this month. So if you're one of our valued listeners from that part of the world, then be sure to check it out at your local bookstore. Yes, it's an incredible story. Much like the stories he's going to share with us today.
And Rusty has kindly stopped in here at Desert Rock FM to have a chat to us ahead of some panel talk he's doing at the Batutah Arts and Literature Festival tonight. So, let's get into it. Rusty Young, thank you for coming on the show today. Thank you for having me here.
It took quite a while to come in on the inter-Batutah from Sydney on the light rail, which hasn't yet been constructed. Yeah, no, they're doing a little bit of work there at the Burke Interchange there. The fortress is gliding through Sydney.
Now you spent a lot of time around the world. Let's go back to the start. You were a young kid living in the Harbour Republic that you spent a little while talking about. The private non-democratic Republic of Straya. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And particularly down in the harbour, you know, the sterile stockbroker's paradise.
What made you, was it just a run of the mill young person idea to go backpacking around Columbia? I was doing, I did commerce law and it probably, ultimately didn't really suit my personality and my sort of temperament. You were in the right city to do it. Yeah, I was in the right city to do it. And look, you know, my parents always encouraged me to work really hard and stuff. And so at that stage, law was a pretty good profession to go into how to have a steady income, but it really didn't suit me. So by the end I was ready to tear my hair out. I did actually work in merchant banking for a while, but I went overseas.
Hell yeah.
This is why I'm so bitter.
So then I just went overseas with my then girlfriend, Simone Camilleri, and we went travelling backpacking around and we went through Bolivia and then I ended up staying in Bolivia for four months inside San Pedro prison. So it was really quite accidental, my career path, it was just from going travelling and seeing an opportunity and then just going off on a bit of a tangent. Now we heard that you were maybe kind of, your interest has peaked by rumours that you'd heard about this character living inside. Well they weren't just rumours, it was actually written up in the Lonely Planet Guidebook. And I just couldn't believe when we were backpacking around we sort of said, what are the good things to do in La Paz, which is the main city in Bolivia. And in the Lonely Planet Guidebook it lists this prison, San Pedro, as the world's most bizarre tourist attraction.
And Thomas McFadden was the black English drug trafficker who was in there and he was running guided tours. So you'd go to the gate of the prison, hand your passport to the guards, you weren't allowed phones or any sort of photographic equipment, go into the prison and he would take tour groups around the prison and then he would select certain tourists that he sort of liked the look of for whatever reason, like you'll call your Australian, come back to my cell and then he'd just lay out some cocaine on a CD case and say here, have some. So he was incarcerated? He was busted for attempting to traffic five kilograms through the airport and it got reduced to 1.25, in other words 3.75 disappeared and he was sentenced to almost six years in prison. He wouldn't speak the language and basically you have to buy your own prison cell inside the prison and there are eight different sections and each one of them's got like a star rating, like a hotel, so he could only afford the four star with the other foreigners.
There's a five star section with politicians in it and basically it's just a free community in there. The guards only go in once a day to check the role, to make sure everyone's there. Apart from that you can bring in your wife, your children, your girlfriend, your music, your television, you've got the key to your own room. You just can't go home.
Well you can go out on day leave or night leave if you pay the police, this is what Thomas did, he actually met his girlfriend out nightclubbing whilst at prison, right? He sounds a lot like boarding school in a way. A little bit, a little bit. He said you're paying for the privilege to get locked up. So firstly you buy your prison cell and they give you the, it's called titulo propietario which is like the deed. So you actually get a stamped and signed deed to pay stamp duty on the property transaction and then whilst he was awaiting trial he paid $100 to one of the policemen to take him outside, take him out and they went out to a nightclub and went dancing and chasing after girls.
Now do you find it, is that quite telling of the people in that part of the world? Are they merchants? Are they quite industrious to be able to operate that way? The Bolivians are absolutely lovely people, they're really friendly, hospitable, it's a landlocked nation so it's really been preserved in terms of culture, like there's some, it's backward economically, it's one of the poorest nations in the western hemisphere but the people are lovely but the trouble is that they've had, you know, centuries of corrupt rule and so I think at one stage it had the highest turnover of political leaders in the world, there was more than one president per year because they were just constantly in revolution.
Now tell us a little bit about, I mean you spent a bit of time there, you linked up with this bloke, Thomas McFadden. He was a Brit? Yeah, he's Tanzanian born but he'd moved to Liverpool at quite a young age and then he... So he's a scouser? Yeah, well officially he's a scouser but I mean he really didn't spend enough time there for the accent or the culture to stick and he had a fairly troubled upbringing and decided at the age of 16 to go out drug trafficking so he'd been trafficking drugs. 16?
Yeah, just left school, ran away from home and went and saw the world but financed it using drug sales and he used to run heroin out of India and Pakistan and then he decided to start running cocaine out of Bolivia and he did it successfully for a few years and then the US government started really cracking down on the airport in Santa Cruz and then he changed airports, changed his system and got caught. So where was he running it to, was he taking it back to America? Back to Europe. So what he would do, it's a pretty simple thing, a lot of traffickers use it, is he would pack the suitcase and hide the drugs in the spine of the suitcase, compress it down and put female clothes in the suitcase so he couldn't be linked to it and then just wouldn't pick the suitcase up in the airport, Chaldegour and he had one of the baggage handlers take it to Lost and Found and then take it out of the airport so that's a pretty old school way of doing it but it was successful for a lot of years.
Right. So he ended up getting pinged... Yeah he got pinged, he made the mistake of bribing someone so he basically let someone know. He had really quite a foolproof way of doing it where even if the suitcase had been caught he couldn't have been linked to it but he also as an extra precaution ended up paying off one of the colonels in the airport who was the head of security and anti-narcotics in the airport and that guy was the one who caught him. Right, so he actually didn't really care. Yeah basically he was just trying to win on both sides so basically the colonel accepted the bribe to let the corrupt trafficker out, caught the trafficker gets the kickback from his authorities, probably sold some of the drugs as well and...
Because you said three kilos went missing. Yeah 3.75 of the five but what are you going to do when... And also Thomas was pleading innocent right? So because there's no reduction in sentence for pleading guilty so if someone says you're accused of trafficking 1.25 kilograms you go no it was five. Oh and I'm innocent.
Now can you tell us a little bit about once you got in there you decided to stay. Yeah well I didn't intend to stay for as long as I did but I really... Thomas's idea was I had to kind of live in there to do the research properly because the first night I went in there with my girlfriend Simone and we ended up staying the night in there partying on and drinking in the prison like this is his party house like they actually manufacture cocaine inside the prison. Yeah and so Thomas used to say you know because it was it's pretty intimidating when you're you know you're a law graduate and you go into a prison and you're like staying the night and I was very nervous and I was worried about entrapment and he sort of said look this is the safest place in the world to take cocaine because what are they going to do if they catch you? Put you in prison? So it did seem like a bit of a party prison and a bit of a holiday camp like you're like this isn't real prison but there's a lot of injustice and corruption and violence inside the prison and you don't see that as a tourist just doing a one-hour tour so I stayed with him in his prison cell slept on the floor on a mattress I wasn't an actual prisoner obviously I hadn't committed any crimes but I just paid the guards to go in and out as much as I as I wanted. How much were you paying him? It was actually five dollars to get in I negotiated a monthly rate and at the time the hostels were about six or seven so it's actually cheaper cheaper to stay the night in the prison.
Did you know you were going to write a book about the bloke before you met him? No not at all we just we were just interested in going in and seeing the world's most bizarre tourist attraction and look he had between at the peak between 50 and 70 tourists coming through a day so just to a number he was just doing constant tours and you know it doesn't sound like a lot of money but so of the five dollars two dollars fifty would go to the guards and two dollars fifty would go to Thomas and his crew but if you got times that by 50 people per day you know he was making good money for Bolivia and he had bodyguards and you know it's just this entire industry because the Bolivian authorities throw the prisoners in the in the in the prison but they haven't got any money they don't give them food so they've got to pay for their own food they've got to have a job buy their own prison cell buy their own clothes there's no uniforms and support their family so it's basically it's kind of like legalized corruption. Yeah so the book came out in 2003 what year were you in in the prison with Thomas? He got out at the beginning of at the end of very end of 2000 so it took sort of two two years to write. Yeah right. Did you have that moment when your book became an international bestseller you were like that's pretty pretty interesting for my first book you know you hadn't written a book before. No you know what like I did the publisher he did a really great job and then you know I did my very first television appearance and radio and stuff but you don't start seeing the sales figures until every six months they give you a royalty check and I just went back to Colombia well that's such I've been living in Colombia and I loved Colombia and wanted to write a book about Colombia and I had a girlfriend new girlfriend there and so I just went back to Colombia where the book didn't come out and so I didn't quite know that you know somewhere back in Australia and UK and US this book was really taking off and you know this is that this is when there was there was the internet but it wasn't you know it wasn't Facebook it wasn't Twitter yeah so and I just didn't really pay much attention I just said well I've done that now I'm gonna write another one. Yeah and when did that you flew home for Christmas and everyone was patting you on the back so I got no so my parents got a phone call from a guy a guy from Jerry from LA and he's a Hollywood movie agent I thought it was just one of my friends taking the mickey yeah and he goes hey this is Jerry from LA you know I represent Hollywood stars and all this stuff on like and he goes yeah and he ended up selling the movie rights to a company called Plan B which was owned by Brad Pitt and so now I went hang on Brad Pitt's buying my book he's read my book yeah yeah yeah and that was the point where I went oh this is kind of cool yeah yeah because I'm not sure if it's in the high school curriculum yet but it is definitely referenced right across you know there's definitely some schools and in Western Australia where it's actually on the syllabus and I think in year 10 I was like you know this is a book about a drug trafficker who's making these decisions about the curriculum and the other really funny thing I thought was that it was the most borrowed book in the Australian prison system because they've got libraries in yeah prisons and I got invited to go to go and do talks inside the prison so inside these Australian prisons fall some prison blues I guess people get inspired you know I don't know whether why they're reading I guess because it's you know it resonates with their own experience being locked up and feeling isolated and it's either that or they're trying to learn how to traffic better now it wasn't just it just wasn't it wasn't just coke and rock music in the prison you know you got to see I mean four months right yeah to see every yeah look I've got to say look for about the first week or so it's like wow this is really exciting no one in the this is a life experience wow I'm living in a prison aren't I you know cool and dangerous but I've got to say after three months four months it's really just quite boring you could you know you just you can't move you're isolated you know it's a little bit dangerous at night time they've got lots of people taking smoking cocaine and they get violent so you've basically got you're in lockdown at night time and you know you can watch television listen to the radio but you're in a prison so have you heard anything more about the film is it uh yeah so then Brad Pitt's company didn't make it obviously it's still in pre-production and they've got a really good actor called Chiwetel Ejiofor who your listeners might know from the movie 12 Years a Slave so he he's great and well he's a Brit too yeah he's I think he's Nigerian born a Brit so he really you know really gets the role and he's a fantastic actor so fingers crossed that gets made along with Columbiana the next book yeah so tell us a little bit about this okay so after after living in this prison I really wanted to stay in South America I just love the culture I love the language love the people and I also wanted to write a book about Columbia because I thought it was really really misunderstood you know at the time all you hear about Columbia is drugs everyone's always making jokes ha ha Columbia cocaine there's a war on it was a dangerous country I think it had one of the highest murder rates in the world there's like 30 000 murders per year in a country of you know 40 million people and it also had the highest kidnap rate in the world like nine on average nine to ten kidnaps per day now just imagine if just imagine if we had one kidnapping here in Australia would be you know been used for the new cycle forever so that was just that was the normality that was the reality that most Colombians live but they are such lovely people and when when I was there we didn't it was just they were just so friendly never got robbed never got attacked never got threatened and I was like wow this is a really really misunderstood country but it was also true that it is the world's biggest producer of cocaine and all their stories about the violence and the war and the guerrilla and the injustice are also true so I thought wow what a fantastic complex dynamic to to write about because it's got this contrast of the violence and the corruption and the drugs and on the other side people the ordinary everyday Colombians who are just wonderful friendly people and if you've met Colombians here in Australia there's quite a few in Batuta I believe um they you know come in I don't know how they get in yeah they're living down in boats maybe yeah but Colombians are just such warm friendly smart outgoing people Shakira yeah well that was actually one of the reasons that I was like I want to go to that country yeah so how did how did you come to work for the US government okay so there was that that's another interesting story so I've come I've gone from law school to prison from a voluntary prisoner and then I went over to and the book hadn't taken off yet and I needed money I was in debt actually after finishing marching powder I had my parents kindly bailed me out and uh and got a little loan and which they backed you know really lovely supportive parents I've got and and I was working as an English teacher and I was you know like you know five dollars an hour as an English teacher and I was flying into back into Bogota from Miami after visiting my parents and sister in Australia and I met a guy on an airplane and he sort of said you know what are you doing and I'm like I was like what are you doing and he said I was in construction and I said there's no construction because the country's at war and then you know you know there's no new there's no economic development so there's no construction he goes no I'm in construction here's my business garden I said I said do you work for the DEA or the CIA and he just looked he just looked at me he goes why are you a drug trafficker I'm going this whoever this guy is he's pretty cool and you're better at his job than he was no I wasn't I know he was good at his job and he was laughing and and we sort of stayed in contact and gradually I said come on you know what do you really do and he goes well do you want a job and I was like doing what he goes well get a haircut buy some decent clothes because I was like a scruffy backpacker with long hair like that like that like a lot of kids that come back from six months in south America 27 28 years old and I've got long hair and you know ponytail and unshaven and just wearing ripped jeans and he goes do you want a job and so he took me to an American construct a US constructed military base and said this is what we do it's counterterrorism and I said what specifically and it was kidnap rescue so training up the local SWAT teams in local Colombian SWAT teams with the US instructors from sort of special forces Marines training up the locals so he said we've lost a manager we need a manager so can you help manage this and I'm like why me I'm just I'm just a little I'm just a little Aussie writer you had your Spanish by then yeah I could speak you learned to defend yourself pretty quickly in prison you know because language is you know language is more important than actually say fighting ability yeah talk your way out of a situation so I could speak Spanish you know I've got a law degree a finance degree so I can do accounting and that sort of stuff by basic basic level accounting yeah and I think the main thing is they wanted someone who was honest and and I think also most of the people who in the who work in the military contractors that stage were in Iraq and Afghanistan where they get paid you know so much money per day like I'm talking about a thousand US dollars a day tax free and if you're a soldier who's been earning nothing and risking your life and a thousand dollars a thousand dollars a day is just ridiculous yeah and I was like well you know you can give me a hundred I'd be happy so that was it I started working as a contractor for the US government in a state department it was called AKI anti-kidnapping initiative and I started working for them and it was just one of the best and most rewarding jobs I've ever had I know Australians are really cynical about US foreign policy and that was one of my reservations at the beginning but I then thought look what is the justification for kidnapping people and you just horrible horrible conditions that kidnap victims are held in and it's like being in prison but you're in the jungle so there's no sunlight leishmaniasis disease really poor diet your clothes actually rot off your body and you don't know when you're going home or if you're going to go home and their stated policy when if there is a an attempted rescue is to shoot the shoot the prisoners right so you're kind of hoping that you're going to get rescued but if you do get rescued you're hoping you're not going to get shot yeah and you know and you don't know when your ordeal is going to end some of some of the Colombian people who have been kidnapped there were in the jungle for 10 years 10 years just you know how do you yeah how do you just exactly but worse for 10 years and how you know and then so that was the gut the US actually really made a huge difference in Colombia look what's happening look at what's happening right now in the left-leaning countries in South America look what happened look at what's happening right now in Venezuela it's an absolute crisis so they went left-wing supposedly socialist turned into a dictatorship and then look at what's happening with Colombia now i'm saying it's ideal there's still a lot of corruption and there's a lot of violence still but because they had the economic development and the US backed their military against the FARC terrorist organization and they started rescuing kidnap victims and it really made a difference there are still kidnaps but it's less than one per day so on average so it went from nine or ten down to one and they really won the war and then the basically the FARC reached a peace pact with them a couple of years back and so officially the war's over there's still lots of socio-economic problems in the country but that is one example where a US intervention actually really made a positive an overall positive difference i'm not saying there weren't uh lots of incidents and terrible things happening along the way but it really did make a difference and Colombia is just you know leap years ahead of many of its neighbors and in fact i think as over a million Venezuelans have fled to Colombia and unlike Australia the Colombians have welcomed them with open arms they're just such a giving nation really good people so you weren't on the tools uh you know like you didn't have the like uh like a machine gun uh yeah we had a fleet of five bulletproof cars yeah and so we'd switch them around i had an apartment or securitized apartment you had to live on the third floor or above because of car bombs so the threat of car bombs you have to have a mylar sheet over the glass window because a lot of when when car bombs go off the thing that usually kills people is um projectiles not the actual blast it's the it's like glass like imagine all the shards of glass coming here cctv cameras armed guard i mean a bulletproof car change i changed houses i don't know like i think 13 times in in Colombia and i spent part of my time out on this on the military base and then the program was also run out of um the US embassy there which i think at the time was the biggest embassy bigger even than yeah the biggest US embassy in the world at the time it was better for you not to be staying there or yeah look i just kept a low profile like i actually ended up not cutting my hair i had long hair for a lot of it which didn't go down well with the people on the military bases who have shaved heads you know i was a bit of a looked like a bit of a lefty pinko combo noble savage yeah um yeah so i spent part of my time out there and just basically always wore um casual clothes and just never talked to anyone about what i did so it wasn't undercover it wasn't um clandestine what i was doing but it just didn't pay to advertise either um but yeah we're importing um assault rifles um m4a1 carbines glock pistols ammunition grenades det cord which is used for breaching um so we had all the all the importing all that stuff and then using that for training did you um you were staying in Bogota yeah mainly in Bogota i mean there are 32 different provinces in in Colombia and each one of them has its own special anti-kidnapping group so we did travel around and 32 yeah 32 different it's a small country but it's very it's very regionalized there'll be different governments per province it's similar like it's like council and state governments fuse fusing into one yeah correct and it's it really is like almost like many countries in one you've got Bogota at 2600 meters above sea level that's the you know that's the capital um it's higher than coziosco yeah it's higher than coziosco and then you've got Medellin which is uh known unfortunately for hablo escobar but it's a really beautiful um you know sort of almost semi-tropical um country with a but they're really really different people really different cultures even different accent within the same country yeah and then there's the costenos who are the people from the coast and they've got a different accent a different attitude and there's a mix of sort of ethnic groups as well then you've got the um the traditional indigenous columbians and many of them uh they were even up until recently there were even nomadic tribes living in the amazon jungle who were using blow darts like quite literally so you've just got a really diverse country and and not controlled by the central government so that was what allowed um that was what allowed these terrorist organizations and drug trafficking units to flourish that and the geography which is really mountainous lots of rivers so really hard to control and its proximity to the united states meant that it was the best sort of launching point for trafficking drugs into the states yeah a lot of latin america um you know deals with corruption throughout their governments but argentina is is an example of one that um has uh corrupt government after corrupt government similar to new south wales i guess but but also on the surface it can look like you know you're walking down the streets of paddington or yeah or vancouver yeah is there any parts of columbia that feel like that you feel like you're a hundred percent first world yeah most of bogota most most of bogota is uh very first world in fact i'd say they almost are more advanced than us in terms of public transport infrastructure they had a a swiss company i believe it was swiss and they did the trans millennia in 2000 that was like a light rail system you know we still haven't got our light rail system you worry um back to bolivia that you might have gentrified this prison yeah look it was look at the time remember that i didn't even know whether whether the book was going to be published at all i didn't have a publisher i didn't know how to publish a book i'd never written a book i just went in there as a kind of you know law graduate and just went oh let's let's just see what happened so we wrote it and then obviously it took off and if you read it closely it's not it's not glorifying drug trafficking it's saying this is a terrible thing you can become addicted this is what the prisoners are like and and this is what the this is what drug trafficking does to to an economy is it makes it really really corrupt so i already saw it as a cautionary tale uh but people just go oh cool oh cool yeah yeah so it's funny so the reaction of um of americans versus uk versus australia yeah so most of the comments i get in the in the u.s websites is this is a very long tail i don't think this is true who's this amateur journal i think you're doing a absolutely just like flat out say this guy's lying because they haven't traveled to south america so they go this couldn't be true the uk people sort of saying dear rusty thank you so much for providing us with a vicarious experience that we would never ourselves choose to embark upon and the aussies go g'day mate uh is the prison still open and how much is a gram of cake well well they've just released the stats from the sewers uh yeah i think in Australia your hometown is number one in the world they yeah they were saying that for every thousand people there are in sydney it's uh it's 1.2 grams of the charlies being consumed that's yeah i saw those stats and that's a lot yeah it's a really novel approach to you know measuring uh drug usage because all it is it's really important because otherwise it's just self-reporting so you go yeah this this country so yeah we're doing tons and tons of cocaine i think sydney's the leading per capita cocaine user i believe uh the ecstasy capital was tasmania and ice capital is melbourne so it's great that all these cities are really advancing and got their own thing going on brisbane is still on the reef you know interestingly the national drug and alcohol research council has done longitudinal studies as well and those stats also agree with the long-term trends so heroin and marijuana use um is slightly down but stable it's still at a worrying level but uh ice is really the big one that we need to keep an eye on it's just that is such a horrific drug it really is an appalling drug you know it's sort of you know it's just it's like a yeah it's like a poor man's cocaine horrible drug don't do it don't try it so tell us speaking of doing drugs for someone who has been in talking to me on a theoretical level right yeah well you've been in the in there theoretically everyone um allegedly yeah no one does drugs no one does drugs but you've been in the prison where you find some of the best cocaine in the world at a price that is you know with affordable it's affordable can you understand why people in australia do cocaine it's just ridiculous i mean if you look at the real cost of of cocaine in australia i mean everyone sort of thinks it's 300 a gram right so in bolivia and in let's take columbia columbia a kilogram goes for wholesale 1500 us okay so let's call it i know 2000 aussie two dollars a gram and then when it comes to australia people think it's 300 a gram but in fact they short weight it 0.8 so that makes it 375 and then they cut it in half at least so it's actually what australians are paying is about 750 per gram on the street level i think and what a waste of money you could just go overseas and have a really good holiday you could you know save for a house and then so people who are doing cocaine and then complaining about the sydney house prices yeah just the oh the irony fucking young people go and get some ritalin or something i don't know yeah yeah there's a lot of prescription drugs um out there in australia now this this book is uh is kind of rebranding columbia you feel um no look after having spoken so well of the columbian people this is still the the dark underbelly of columbia um so the thing i got really interested in is you know the the relationship between the war on drugs and the fact that cocaine is illegal and what the fallout effects are in latin america and one of the really devastating impacts is the phenomenon of child soldiers in columbia so you know some kids as as young as 10 or 11 what one i spoke to was eight uh they're getting recruited they don't get forcibly um recruited that they join up voluntarily inverted commas yeah um but columbia during the peak of the war had the second highest number of child soldiers in the world now we all know about african child soldiers but who knew that columbia had child soldiers and they estimated that between this is the un i believe estimated between 10 and 10 and 14 000 children were involved in the in the war some of them the younger ones they'd use them as spies or messengers and then the ones as soon as they're old enough to carry a carry a gun and a pack then they were treated as adults they were frontline soldiers uh 30 but between 30 and 35 percent of the child soldiers were girls and so they're often effectively used as as um as sex slaves as well by the commanders and they sort of were all equal but as soon as as soon as a girl gets her period they give her the contraceptive injection so it's basically like well i haven't got a boyfriend and you know i'm not sexually active well it's like yeah but you're going to be so so stuff this is for for the listeners um this is the new book columbiana plug plug plug plug so it's columbiana columbiano columbiano just is the man is the mate so columbiana would be a female and columbiano it just means it's like baz luman calling calling his movie straya yeah i'm just kind of columbiano so 10 of the of the profits from columbiana goes to that's correcting columbian children so with a lovely friend of mine belinda prattin um we uh started a foundation um in australia to collect funds for uh columbian child soldiers and my house in bogota is used as the head office over there um belinda must say is no longer involved and i've also stepped back just because i don't want to be i have a conflict of interest in promoting my book versus promoting the charity but yeah ten percent of the of the of the royalties of my royalties just go directly to these child soldier foundation and basically the war is over officially so they're under any more child soldiers but they're a lot of them are in danger of because they have these skills and they've been subjected to such horrific levels of violence what we're seeing now is a big fracturing of the drug market in columbia particularly with mexico taking over and so all these big terrorist organization i mean fark at its peak numbered between 17 17 and 20 000 so that was really rivaling yeah uh it was the biggest insurgency in the western hemisphere and so imagine all these people who have been subjected to horrific violence who know how to use weapons who have used to war in a in a country with really high unemployment what are they going to do there's a real temptation to go into the cartels or into so do you think the cartels the cartels would just swallow the uh the the political extremists exactly well i mean basically they've you know a lot of the political extremists were sent to prison but then when they get out that's all they know and you know here's the thing we for for decades in the war on drugs we've been blaming the supply nations we're blaming the bolivians we thumb our noses at the columbians go look they're morally inferior people it's a corrupt country that's why we've got cocaine in australia nonsense supply and demand we're the ones demanding the cocaine where sydney's the one that's snorting it and batuta um and the you know columbia is a poor country it's not it hasn't had really strong governance and so of course that demand will be met by the supply from whichever country i mean af and there's no there's no coincidence that columbia was a country which had three different terrorist organizations afghan and they're the biggest producers of cocaine afghanistan is the biggest producer of the illegal poppy and they've got uh you know they've they had the war there as well so there is a real correlation between the fact the war on drugs makes drugs illegal and the levels of violence and terrorism in the supply nations and it's not good enough to just say those guys are at fault let's go in there and prop up the war either we make drugs illegal ourselves and recognize that we've got a habit tax it uh fund rehabilitation centers look at this as a medical problem or um you know or just try and reduce our own our the own harm that we're doing that how we how we are responsible for for these phenomena so in in the in the debate of drug reform you'd say you're erring towards legalization absolutely look i don't i don't like to argue against myself but i don't want to say it's a clear-cut issue it really is a complex complex dilemma and uh whether you further criminalize or completely legalize and tax which i'm in favor of you're always going to have problems because you know addiction is a it's a medical problem right so a certain percentage of people who try any drug whether it's alcohol tobacco ice or cocaine or heroin are going to become addicted and that's just a fact that we have to accept uh so government's coming out and saying zero tolerance we want zero drug deaths zero you know there's no such thing as a safe drug well there is no such thing as safely taking these recreational drugs you can die from them you can become addicted but just saying zero tolerance over and over and over again is not actually going to help anything so a more realistic and pragmatic approach is to treat drug addiction as a medical issue we should be listening to our scientists and not to our politicians who stand up publicly and they've got a real interest in just in showing how tough they are on criminality and every time there's a drug overdose rather than putting on the table sensible discussions about drug reform they go no let's go after the traffickers and what yeah look look at what's happening with the pill testing and what what happens is you put dogs on the door and uh you know sydney's leading the world in in a number of um sniffer dogs who are they who are they busting are they busting the the big cargo shipments coming in no they're busting they're busting nl players and that's that's bad for the sport so that was a bit of a stat they're busting they're busting 19 year olds named toby yeah like and then and then an 18 year old kid can get caught with with a couple of pills and get a criminal record conviction that's going to stay with them until the day they take their life and a couple pills are easy to get your hands on than a carton of beer exactly and also like you think about that as you've talked to on this show on this podcast before you think about the effect that say lockout laws happen so if alcohol is no longer available and and you know wage rates are low relative to the cost of uh recreations you know and entertainment then people are going to look for chips cheap substitutes now it's a lot cheaper to take a pill that's going to last you for six hours than it is to go out for a night drinking and you know in in cbd so that's one effect of the lockout laws and the you know the cost of alcohol versus drugs but the effect of say having sniffer dogs at the doors of every um outdoor festival is that kids will either take the drugs all their drugs in one go before they go in so they're going to get if you've got drugs yeah but just swallow them go in collapse um or they don't take the drugs in and they buy them inside from someone who they don't know who is obviously much more reckless than anyone because he's gotten through that gauntlet yeah exactly um that said it is a really really difficult i recognize it's a really difficult position to take for governments themselves to say yeah let's have pill testing why well i mean how are you going to how are you going to enforce this how are you going to tell the policeman go and arrest people for selling buying don't go near that tent but don't go near that tent so there's like a kind of like a a green zone between the turnstiles and the tent and then when the people come out smiling and you know yeah my batch of 10 pills is good the policeman has to turn a blind eye so it's not fair on the police for a start but i think you know the police do a really good job in a really difficult uh circumstances and i get that the government can't do it but what they what the technology is available it's not expensive so there could just be private entities who are supplying these kits more uh you know more freely and if people want to use those kits in the privacy of their own home then that would be a good thing if you start training people to look at the drugs and look this this experiment has been done in amsterdam uh you know 20 years ago and it has reduced like there's no there's no one dying of there's no six kids passing out at a festival in amsterdam because they've got pill testing it and what it does is it means that let's say that you're a manufacturer of dodgy pills like you're putting in drano you're putting in uh fentanyl is the worst one fentanyl is a it's a synthetic yeah they've put fentanyl in pills that's some real bad fentanyl is 50 times stronger than heroin so right let's say you go oh kids don't know what ecstasy is let's just put a few little drops of little specks of fentanyl in there that that can kill you if you get the dose wrong right yeah so the the the dodgy drug dealers who are dealing bad stuff and they get pill tested no one's going to buy them anymore so it kind of in some ways it increases the quality of the market that's one of the net effects you don't get people doing all their drugs before they go into festival and you don't get dodgy people inside who are reckless and they're criminals selling it to them i mean by definition all drug traffic is a criminal at the moment but if you're talking about public safety and public health carl williams was actually you know deserved a noble peace prize for the quality of ecstasy that he's putting out in the streets an interesting fact about uh about ecstasy and mdma is that it was actually used and it came into popularity as a marital aid and so a lot of um psychologists in in los angeles in particular were recommending it for couples because it makes you more intimate and it wasn't really illegal until about the mid 80s they didn't it wasn't really on the radar after the u.s government bandits some really legitimate physicians who really thought this was a really good drug um continued to make it they made it in a in a an abandoned mine shaft and they made they made really high quality um ecstasy because they genuinely genuinely believed it was you know in favor of humanity now i think science has come a little bit further now and recognizing that you know long-term mdma use causes depression and mental disorders so i'm not saying it's actually is a good drug to take but it's better when when science when scientists are are making it and when qualified physicians are administering it rather than letting dodgy out out back yeah outback patoota in the garage yeah yeah now just quickly if you've done we're kind of um running out of time here but we you've done bolivia you've seen a lot of that you've seen a lot of colombia is there another is there a third country you're looking at i mean australia yeah you reckon you could buy the private non-democratic republic of australia you reckon you you reckon you've got enough corruption here to work with look there's plenty you know like i wouldn't call it corruption like say the police aren't taking bribes to for speeding not since rogerson because the cameras do their work um no but look there's a lot of corporate corruption it's basically i'd call it corporate um capture of the government and that's really concerning because it's structural so at least we haven't got the system like in the u.s where lobby groups can pay money and then start to buy up politicians we haven't got that but what we've got is a a really deep malaise and cynicism about people in public office so anyone who sort of looks at politicians and and thinks they're all corrupt why would someone who really has australia or new south wales or any part of australia's um best interest at heart go into such a cynical and dirty game but what we should be doing i think is actually this is a serious point is rebranding uh politicians to show this is these are public servants these people who at least initially go in to help society and some of them do actually help society i don't want to i don't want to dump all over all politicians and say they're all corrupt but it is a it is a pretty corrupt game but if we held our politicians to higher standards and in higher esteem then you'd get people going proudly you know i am the i am i am the mayor of batuta yeah i'd be able to brag about it at dinner parties like surgeons do yeah exactly like right now think about what what were the honorable professions you know in in in when we came out of university it was you know doctors and lawyers and now it's lawyers yeah lawyers were considered to be pretty trustworthy once upon a time people used to admire lawyers and doctors because they were the backbone of society and and and teachers and nurses and people who do really really positive things for for society uh military military as well particularly in the states you know that kind of yeah yeah and now we've come to admire admire or associate people's moral virtual virtue and their social status with how much money they're earning and that's a really big uh deviation from you know previous historical values and i think if you start saying this person is a good person or a valuable person to society because they are rich that's a really really dangerous way of thinking it can take society in a really dangerous neoliberal economic direction prime minister chiefly was a train driver we'll uh we'll finish on that note yep so this book released in australia about 18 months ago it was the highest selling fiction book in 2017 and it's just about to be released in the uk next month it's coming out in on the 1st of march in the uk and the 1st of april in usa so to all of our listeners uh in those horrible wind-swept cold countries and in the outer pituit yep head on down to your uh to your local bookstore or go on to amazon amazon plug plug thank you join us rusty you guys and that was rusty young uh one of australia's more eccentric and interesting authors and obviously he's still hard at work thank you for listening this is the patoota advocate radio show i'm clancy overall you'd be kind to each other and my name is errol parker until next week stay out of the pokies they're bad for you and never ever talk to the cops without legal counsel presence |
SaturdayNightLive | hickory_farms_saturday_night_live | Hey, Tom, is it rolling? is the light flashing? All right, cool. Yo, yo, yo, this is Pat Sullivan and Mr. Nichols' fourth period audiovisual class. for my video project, I'm filming a trip to Burlington Mall with my girl Denise.
I swear to God, Sully, if you don't get that Burger King breath out of my face, I'm gonna get wicked pissed off. What? If I was rich, I'd eat a whopper every day. you're retarded. you are. Hey, kids, kids, I'm gonna have to ask you not to dry hump by the food products.
Are you the manager? you flatter me. I'm the assistant manager. Oh, I wanted to know if you're hiring any holiday help. we sure are. you kids filming this? he is. it's a school project. he's not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person. I got a learning disorder because my mom was a big huffer back in the day. Well, yes, we are looking for part-timers. your name? Denise Mcdonough. but everybody calls me Zazu! All right, Zazu, you have any experience? Uh, I worked a footlocker for two hours once. I don't have any food service experience. Yeah, she's got a lot of experience handling sausages. shut up! Okay, okay, okay. we are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to Holiday Shop.
Oh, my God, I could totally do that! Watch out, it's a little tricky, because you've got to cut these round sausages in these little squares. All right, all right, I know this one. you, like, divide it by four, and then you, like, square the. she should be in charge of cutting the cheese! Whoa! this video's rated R!
Hey! come on, kids! hey, do you get health care with this job? because there's, like, a 60-40 chance I might be pregnant. Yeah, if we had a kid, I'm naming it Noma. mock my words! there's no insurance. you get $480 an hour, and if you do a good job, you get a free-port wine Nut log after Christmas. Hey, Tommy, do you get them saying nut log? Hey, so when do I start? hold on. there's a couple more questions.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony? uh, is public urination a felony? No. All right, what about taking a top off at a hockey game?
All right, you know what, I'll just call you in a few days. All right.
Oh, wait, you didn't take my number. No, Denise, you're right. I didn't take your number.
I don't think you have the skills needed to hand out three pieces of cheese. tonight, A-ha, you burnt! Come on! I really need this job, all right? Because I was going to use the money to get Christmas nail tips. eight reindeer and two baby cheeses!
Sorry, Zazu, you're just not Hickory Farms material. Hey, why the F-not? Well, I'll tell you why the F-not, Okay? You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-sized carton full of screwdrivers. you said vodka didn't smell! I don't know.
Tell you, it's just disrespectful. Here's a tip for all you kids out there. we want to hire you. we really do. when you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow or a pot leaf on the back of your uniform and magic marker, well, you just make it darn near impossible. And kids, just between us, I went through that tough guy face. I used to cut school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually, you got to grow up and stop enjoying your life. and do your job. Be serious.
What am I saying? I'll tell you what I'm saying.
I'm saying, get out of here with that camera because you're blocking the cabasis. Oh, it looks like Denise didn't get that job. That's all right. I got Christmas presents for my entire family! you are wicked clever. let's go do it in the parking lot. All right, but you are not chafing it this time! Come on! Oh, and you got to make sure to cut out the pot where I said I was knocked out! |
dropout | precious_plum_a_gator_fight | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. Plum, you look at me while I'm talking to you. She's my precious Plum. Today, Plum's competing to be Little Miss, Miss and Pubes in an empty stable where a bunch of horses just got the bullet.
But first, we gonna visit Boof. Boof is my baby daddy. Excited to see your baby daddy?
Yes. Okay, go on knock. Oh, shit. Where's my fucking body, Boof? Has it been a year already? I don't know. Is that what a five year old hit's like? You look good, baby. Oh, really? I feel like I gained some weight. What's that game we used to play? Oh, I remember. Got your nose! Okay, Al.
Look, I made some bad investments. What do you mean, some bad investments?
I bought a gator. And? I lost a gator fight. Boof, you can't keep losing your gators in fucked up ways. You got to learn to keep your gators, like adult.
Oh, hey, Plum, I got you something. It's a, uh, it's a Christmas present. What is it? Well, it's an ornament. Now, if it ever falls off, you just, you just run, okay? That looks about as safe as our sex life.
Now, where'd you say that gator was? I know this ain't the best place to take a six year old, but you know what? Plum's gonna see some underground gator fighting in her lifetime. And especially do it with her mama and her maybe dad. Sorry, ma'am.
All that money done been lost and won. Come on, there must be something we can do. Right now, I only get my hand jobs from Asian men. How about double or nothing?
Here, I don't see no gator around here unless you plan on getting all up in there yourselves. Plum, put that on, get in there with our gator. Come on, gator! Come on, baby! Come on, gator!
One of them karate fail videos. They said the opposite. Oh, I can't watch. This is so embarrassing.
So, Boof missed out on a lot of Plum's firsts. Her first words. Her first steps. But today, he was a part of something really special. He was a part of Plum's very first gator fight using a grenade. And that motherfucker still owe me money. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Chief_Smuggler_of_Budgy_Smuggler | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, it's been a big December for us so far, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor and editor-at-large Errol Parker, we've just wrapped up a mini tour of the big cities in Australia with the book launch of Howgood's Australia.
So we were down there in Opera House in Sydney, did a couple nights there. The Outpost in Brisbane, the top part of the new festival hall up there, Fortitude Hall they call it. Yeah it really is Brisbane's answer to Mona. Yeah absolutely, thank you Scott Hutchinson for building that one and the Powderfinger guys and of course we did Alex Theatre in Melbourne with Luke Bracey as the host, Hollywood star Luke Bracey and that was a bit of fun and then we went out all night and discovered this Melbourne institution called Revolver which was interesting, as journalists I wouldn't mind going back in there with a camera because it is ASU. I think the rules are the same as in Berghain where I've just been, I don't think you'll be ever allowed to film in there because what goes on in there is illegal, I was offered the use of the urinal or the use of someone's key, I don't know why he had his keys out in the toilet but I said I'm just in here to take a shit, could you get out of the cubicle please?
Yeah it really is a city that never sleeps in Melbourne, they impressed us through a bunch of late and racist hipsters, they've done quite well. Now today we're back in the Diamantina, it's a balmy 48 degrees outside and we're actually lucky in this part of the world that we're one of the few kind of rural regions in Australia that aren't currently being ravaged by bushfires that were caused by the Greens who refuse to do back burning because they have such control of the local councils in rural areas. It might be a bit of a coincidence but under Joe we basically took out every tree in the Diamantina Shire and now we haven't got bushfires where down there in the socialist progressive caliphate of Western Sydney you've got bushfires from the great town of Lithgow all the way out to the seaside at Gosford. Yeah and of course Port Macquarie, Coffs Harbour, very prominent Greens hotspots as well have been struggling due to bushfires that were aided by the Australian Greens Party. Anyway Joe, Sir Joe did help us a lot, he did a lot of great things for Queensland, he was quite entrepreneurial with his land clearing efforts.
Today actually on that note of entrepreneurialism and just going out and having a go we are joined by I guess you could say a pioneer of modern Australian swimwear, Adam Linthorpe, founder of many things but most notably Budgysmuggle. And also Adam's going to tell us a little bit about AIM, the Australian Indigenous Mentoring Experience which is a volunteer network and mentorship program that Adams helped set up. It's headquartered down there in Redfern, down there in Sydney and Adams going to tell us a bit about that as well as how he built Budgysmuggler up from the ground. This podcast is going to be a bit different this week, we're going to do a bit of a deep dive on Adams business on where he's found success about where he hasn't found success and the lessons he's learnt along the way about what makes it a uniquely Australian company.
How are you mate, thanks for joining us. Yeah I'm doing well, it's good to be here.
Now we've known about Budgysmuggler for a few years now, Errol and I have actually flown to Sydney, you've flown us to Sydney to emcee the most ordinary rig competition which was first won, what year was it first held, 2015, 2016? 2016 yeah. 2016 was won by a good Mount Isa boy in Dingo Dan, and he got a billboard, that was the prize. In Mount Isa, which I guess from a business perspective was good for you, as opposed to you know a bloke from the F1 who would have won you know up on the Central Coast that would have been a bit dearer I'd say. Yeah I think it cost about 800 bucks and no one replaced it for like six months, and the in-store was like 500 so yeah the rates in Mount Isa are good.
Now Lenny we want to talk to you about the the story of Budgysmuggler and how it came to be, you've been working non-stop, you've got a bit of a crew in here, Jared also known as the tinder fellas sitting to my left and of course BJ Hartman, the former next captain of the Waratahs. He's sitting here as well, but Lenny basically since, well not day one, but as its current carnation you have been on the ground the whole time for Budgysmuggler. Yeah it's been about 11 years since I sort of took took the reins, initially when I took over I thought the hardest thing about running a new business and Budgysmuggler would be cashing all the checks and backing up for the fashion parties.
Twelve years later and I'm yet to be invited to a single fashion party, but if anyone has any offers out there I'm often available.
But yeah no it's been a bit of interesting evolution I guess, if you remember back then it was a kind of time when board shorts were well and truly past the knees. Oh yeah, the shin swingers. The non-European style. That's it, the curtains of shame. The chafe inducing SMP bodies, we know the types. Now you didn't actually come up with the idea though, you pretty much were just thrown the hospital pass of a loss making hobby.
Unless you know the man, you know this is basically a nocturnal invention of Kevin Rudd's former advisor of media, Lachlan Harris. How did you come to meet Lachlan? Because you know he is quite a mysterious bloke, if I should say so myself. And even more mysterious that he's A, working for Kevin Rudd and B, trying to sell swimwear and belts on the side. How did you end up coming to know Lachlan?
Well initially how I found out about Budgie Smuggler, I didn't know Lachlan actually until after I'd taken over Budgie. So how I came to know Budgie Smuggler was I was studying in the States and I had to renew my visa and they don't let you do it in Canada or Mexico or a contiguous body. So I went into an SDA, looked at a map and the closest country was Guatemala. So I said okay well I'll fly there and catch a bus back to Arizona where I was living and so I thought that would take three or four days based on my rough geography and comparing Mexico to the size of Australia. It took me six weeks but along the way I saw two guys wearing like fluoro sort of smugglers with Budgie Smuggler written on the back and I thought oh fuck that's pretty funny and couldn't believe someone sort of hadn't done it before and then when I got back to Sydney hit up Budgie Smuggler and I actually knew the guy who was helping Lachlan to run it for Lachlan.
I'm just like mate if you need a hand with anything I'm around and Lachlan's vision for the brand at that point was basically just getting loose in them and he'd set like a bunch of 12 blokes in cargo bar wearing nothing with a bar tab and yeah that's how it began for me and then when he won like from the very like Stephen Bradbury kind of position you think Kevin Rudd's a long long odds he wound up being press secretary for yeah Kevin Rudd and the Prime Minister and potentially having a company with a bunch of loose units running around in next to nothing was going to be a liability. A bit of a conflict of interest I'd say with Kevin Rudd.
So what were you studying at University in Arizona was it something related to running a swimwear business? No I was doing history in Spanish and then I did pillars of business that's it and I I did an arts commerce degree at Sydney Uni and got me a job as a graduate at ANZ Bank but I was not working in the the kind of high-end suits area I was at the the branch in Brookvale oh yeah where like yeah everyone was dressed by Lowe's I was the GFC at this time as well as 2008. It's a great time to start a career in finance.
Your loan for a jet ski has been denied sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't too bad actually. Well you were in the Zali Stegall a very affluent electorate too so so if anyone's gonna be kind of hit by the GFC it's probably they're probably bit safer in that part of the world. Yeah maybe but they were firing people at a great rate of knots like you know you come in and you be like where's Kevin? Kevin's no longer with the bank and I like started hearing that a lot and in the city there was whole floors getting fired and I think it prompted in me I thought used to think that working for a bank or a big company was a really safe option and then when you see whole floors of people getting sacked you're like oh my god this is actually the least safe option for me plus I fucking hated it I just used to sit out the window all day going there fuck me there's better things I could be doing with my life and I sucked as well like I was giving almost zero fucks. So you were just basically the when they needed someone to speak Spanish they'd bring you.
Small market I had a good boss the setup of the company stuff was great but just the tedious shit you have to go through was just killing me and so I was looking for for something else to do some other options and around that time two things happened one was the opportunity to take over Budgie Smuggler and another one was I started as the finance director inverted commas for Aboriginal nonprofit called AIM the Australian Indigenous Mentoring Experience but there was like two staff there at this stage so that you know it wasn't really a wasn't really a whole lot of work but I was just basically interested to do something other than what I was doing. So tell us about the day when you finally quit your job at the bank and you started your first day at Budgie. Yeah well so I still kept my job at the bank for like seven or eight months because that's wise yeah well Budgie had had no real sales at the time. It was a brand. Spanish and history taught you a lot about risk. 100% and so I was like well there's no income for Budgie and there was no income at the nonprofit that was just like I was a volunteer so yeah the income side of the ledger was pretty low so I kept my job for a while and yes like the early days of Budgie were I was living with Stephen O'Keefe who went on to be a test cricketer. Still a cricketer now and so and like back in those days there was no like Shopify or I can't remember I don't think it was like Gmail or anything like that like you had to have a server to have an email with like at budgiesmuggler.com.au which I couldn't check remotely so I'd have to do like come home from the office work like during the evenings and I'd struck up an arrangement with Sock that he would send the orders for me.
There's some dispute about how much I paid him. I think it was up around the $2.50 per order. He reckons it was around about 75 cent mark which I then deduct from his rent bill but at that stage he was paying just mainly a lot of call of duty so yeah it was probably a welcome distraction for him.
Yeah that's how I got going but actually so after quitting at the bank I then went to work at AIM the charity so by this stage that was more of an established kind of nonprofit and I actually worked there full time for the next 7 years so it was actually 8 years before I quit my job to do Budgie full time. So the Australian Indigenous mentoring experience kind of has worked alongside in your career anyway you've kind of managed two big brands there you've spent 7 years at AIM alongside building Budgiesmuggler. What do you see do you see any similarities between those two or was one just one was a job and then one was a hobby? Yeah no I mean they were both things I was super kind of interested in and then also one of the best things about working at something you hate is you actually appreciate when you get to turn up to work and do something you care about. Yeah you care about and like the early days at AIM like Jack Manning Bancroft who was the founder of AIM and was kind of the driving force through my time there but like yeah we were really like in the trenches sort of thing we called it AIM jail we get there at 8 in the morning stay till 8 at night and I thought that I would have all this time for Budgiesmuggler but actually for about a 4 or 5 year period while we built AIM.
So my role there was like the head of partnerships and finance so it was an awesome job because I got to travel all around Australia so you go into like regional areas all the capital cities and then you're meeting with you know people from the unis, government, university students, Aboriginal land councils and then recruited within AIM we had like a lot of the most talented Aboriginal students and young people from around Australia so it was like just an awesome job. It was an awesome induction into out of the Northern Beaches kind of bubble. So tell us about the premise of AIM I mean the general idea is you pair up uni students predominantly white uni students and you pair them with high school students? Yeah so the premise of AIM was to support Aboriginal kids through high school, you'd recruit volunteer mentors at the universities initially it was one on one and then scale it, it transitioned to more of a kind of mentor led kind of program but would support the kids through to year 12 and then on to other university TAFE work and that we track the students all the way through and all the programs at each of the universities were run by young and digital students. Generally like uni students would just come out of university so yeah when we started it was just like the one school in Redfern and then I don't know by the time I left I think it was about four or five thousand students around 20 campuses around Australia. And the graduation rate for those students was? Was on par with or ahead of non-indigenous students and most of those students were coming from like lower socio-economic areas.
So the results stood for themselves really? The results yeah really and I think still are really good so. Well you were like because I've only been on Instagram what now shit about five years you were a real early pioneer in the influencer model I mean we started to see this brand starting to pop up in the media you know you've gone everywhere from the backside of Georgie Rose all the way up to Curtleyville right next to the future king of England. I mean how is the influencer model helped grow your business? Yeah it's like there's a certain irony to it because it's not something that we've targeted necessarily but I guess we're kind of a swimwear brand that's got big out of people not actually swimming in them. Yeah. And so early on that was such a good way to get like the message out there and people you know we just encourage people to do random shit in them you know so.
Skiing is a big one some brave people out there skiing in budgie smugglers. Yeah the winter sports model the people riding camels in Egypt in them and it just prompted something I think maybe like the self-deprecating kind of humor of it lent itself to people just going out there and.
Yeah it's it's almost like you know the anti brand to what swimsuits in particular for men were at the time I mean you saw like like say for example Speedo had a chiseled Olympic swimmer in them and I think that most men were intimidated by that you know it's like I can't wear a pair of Speedos because I look like an investment banker with my clothes. And I have a tiny penis. There's anxiety surrounding the swimwear that were put on the consumer the Australian male particularly by you know the unrealistic body standards that were applied by you know Olympic brands. I mean for one you've never sold goggles you've never even had a sporting element to your you've never I don't think I've ever seen an athlete outside of the footy field wearing them. Yeah I don't think we've really got much traction in with actual swimmers at all. Like what we saw the biggest challenge of at the start was not that our competition was other swimwear brands it was that no one was wearing like budgie smuggler style stuff.
So we had to change the perception of what that was and if we were going to go down the path of just completely oiled up rip dudes. Yeah it wouldn't really speak to the to the typical Australian male. So we made the call also like the first guys we got wearing them had to be people that like had good banter and could also tell people to fuck off.
Yeah because like you might be about to cop some shit. Yeah and so I think we got you know the focus was on people that you want to have beers with. Yeah and supreme confidence. Yeah it's like a good level of confidence but focus on what they're like more than what their rigs like. And if they're if they're fit that's fine. That's also fine. It's not anti but if they're not then that's that's you know you're welcome in this church.
So taking all those things into account I'd say the first time this really became like a fully national brand that was brought into the living rooms of millions of Australians was when nine blokes at the Malaysian Grand Prix were caught wearing the Malaysian budgies which I understand you no longer sell. And they were promptly arrested for public obscenity charges. Something along those lines. Yeah I was on my way back from a bucks in in Bali and got all these messages on my phone like my some stuff's gone down. So I got like the Jetstar red eye or whatever over and I didn't realize the scale of it at the time but I turned up to we were working from like two bedrooms of an apartment in Manly at the time. And Jared and a couple of guys were there and there was a bit of few people milling around the front of the building.
Yeah. We were like it'd be funny if that was the press. Yeah. And then one of them somehow got in the building and there was this like a current affair style situation where they're knocking on the door like well yeah well you please comment. But yeah basically nine blokes had gone to. So it was the press for you guys. It was the press. They were chasing a budgie nine. Yes. Because they were they actually said that that we had conspired with you. Yeah. So we reported on it.
I like to think we coined the term budgie nine as well. Of course once we figure out those gentlemen weren't facing execution we coined the term budgie nine.
Yeah. Well like well I think that we could have lived here if they just got the cane a few times. That would be it. But yeah we had. It's a rite of passage.
That was one of the great fake news stories that was never told that we had conspired with budgie smuggler to create an international incident in Malaysia. So this like I never and like what happened was so like Daniel Ricardo has won on the last lap. But these guys are just having a normal afternoon and then they've lost their shit celebrating you know crowds going wild this very rare event to happen. Then they stripped out into their smugglers and started doing like shoeys. And if you look at the Danny Ricardo side if you look at the footage of the time everyone's just sort of laughing and enjoying it. But there was one bloke there who wasn't. And it was his job to uphold like the spirit of Malaysia. And then so he got talking to them and then he seemed to think that this was a genuine like conspiracy that these guys had planned to do it to like make fun of Malaysia. Which was just like if Danny Ricardo never wins that race it never happens.
So they're in jail and then so I'm getting like these people from the press calling. And then so we're just saying no comment because we didn't we didn't have anything directly to do with it. I'm like said to one you know do you call Nike every time someone robs a store in Nike gear. Like we even like and then someone I think they're from the Herald Sun. Is that a Melbourne paper? Yeah it's saying I'm going to print that you and the Batut advocate have conspired to do this and you've paid them to do this unless you deny it.
And I said babe I can print what you want. And then I was like fuck I hope they have it. I hope they have it so I think I called you and was like you guys didn't pay them. No no well that's you know they asked us the same question and we said yes. And then and they were like I don't believe you.
Yeah there was a young that sent a young journalist. That's back on you buddy. She was pretty green you could tell. She called us and was like thought she was onto something and I was yeah I was going along with it like this would be very funny if it did make the news. For your newspaper and for ours. But then I kind of got the guilt a little bit that I could tell that she was so green and this could potentially ruin her career.
I was just like look I'm not denying this to protect me. I'm denying it to protect you love.
Like this is this could be fucking a very big black smudge next to your name. One of the funniest things that happened to it was the phone started ringing hot from Malaysia. People wanting the pairs. Oh really? Yeah like we would add like 40 or 50 phone calls in a couple of days just saying and we'd obviously taken them down from online wanting to prevent you know like a future a repeat of it. What was the what was the issue though they they don't like seeing their flag used as underpants. Was that what they were thinking?
The pair itself was actually just the same as like the workflow team. But I think it was mainly that combined with drinking beer in a Muslim country can be sometimes frowned upon. But they were like you're in a Formula One race. So in that environment it's not like they were doing it on the outside. Formula One is like Formula One is a verb. You know spraying alcohol.
In that environment I think it was it was fine. But in the broader context of where they were. Yeah and they got some reasonable I think I did three or four nights in jail. They got one one meal a day which was a fish head with rice and a cup of water. So like it was quite bad.
They learned though. They learned.
I think it was for free as well. Yeah. It was an extended holiday. They deported them for free too.
Now tell us a bit about you did you did eventually win over a few sportsmen. Georgie Rose the gorgeous George from the Manly Sea Eagles. A rather huskier gent. Probably one of the last true big men of rugby league. Like what the last samurai was to Japan. George George Rose was to burly rotund built front rowers.
If he was a fridge he would be the most beautiful Westinghouse. Crisp off the shelf. He's a bar fridge on legs Georgie.
He's a beautiful man.
So what happened there because they actually had a supplier. So we noticed for a few years like orders coming through from quite a number of particularly rugby league rugby union a little bit AFL players. I think part of the reason for that was we went with a slightly different fabric which is more comfortable to wear when you're playing sport than really chlorine resistant stuff. And so that was sort of coming through but not at like a crazy rate. And then the phone rings one day and it's George Rose. And we had sort of like friends of friends and he said mate this company's sponsored the club. And they've come down and done a photo shoot.
And they've given pairs to all the good looking players and like the fit players in the team. And he's like here's you know poor gorgeous George in the corner with the fat boys. And despite being the biggest lads we appeared invisible. Yeah they've all given him the snake steward and all these pretty boys from the manly side have been hooked up with the handsome brand.
That's it. Wolfman maybe.
So he's like I'll get us some pairs and I'll see if I can get the boys around basically. So I drove to George's place in Brookfay. I was living like 200 metres from the Brookvale Oval and went there with like 20 pairs. And at this stage like every dollar I spent I was sort of borrowing or spending for my income at AIM to pay for it. So like 20 pairs was like the biggest investment in Budgie Smuggler's history to this point in time. I've gone to his place and he had a spot on the couch where he could tell he was playing video games.
Like it was nestled. Nestled in nicely and got George the pairs.
And then by the end of the season he had almost all of the team wearing them each week. But at the same time the NRL or like jerseys had changed to this like very fitted number. Which did not suit or like wasn't as practical for George. So every time he would get tackled his pants would get pulled down and you would see what pair he was wearing. And then the commentators cottoned on to it. And they would then start commentating like what pair would George be wearing this week.
Oh he's in the Cougar Bates tonight. Oh George he's in the fully fluorinated. It's going to be a red hot game and after the game what are you wearing this week.
So he was a big big connector and probably like the perfect person that Budgie Smuggler's about. You know like he's sporting an athletic but not image obsessed. You know he's a person that you want to you want to have a beer with and a laugh.
And after that I don't know if he gave my phone number out or something. But a lot of NRL players started calling. And other codes as well. So that was that was the start of it. Yeah getting kind of more embedded in the different different footballing codes.
Tell us about the when was your first real rush. When was your first what summer was it where you were like oh we might need to upscale a few more hands in the. Yeah I mean the first milestone was when we sold 24 pairs in a day.
Yeah right. And I was like. Down a wharf bar. I was like whoa.
We've done one pair an hour for a whole for a whole day. And like we're not quite there yet. But maybe we are like you now it's like a pair a minute is the kind of goal.
Yeah. So it's like the the scale in Christmas time. Yeah. Not for the not for the whole year. Yeah.
I could buy wharf bar and a yacht. But no further for the first time it was hitting 24 orders a day. I was just like fuck because I remember when 24 orders was like three weeks.
Yeah. And you there I remember multiple days at the start like it wouldn't matter how much I was paying stock per order. There was no orders. Yeah. I only have like three days in a row with no orders. Yeah. Maybe like fuck what have I done.
And you're back. You're back in town do it running aim. You come home.
Yeah yeah yeah. Log open the server. Yeah it's like that. Nothing's happened today boys. It's like that episode from the Simpsons when Bart's running for class president. Yeah.
Like how many people voted for him. It's like none. I had to recount.
So what made you keep going in those days where you know where there wasn't any orders coming in. You know there were no days at wharf bar.
Yeah well I think I mean. Wharf bar is a gold standard of a good day. That's when you've made it in Manly. Like one thing was I had a job so I didn't need to rely on the income from Budgie Smuggler. And that provides you with enormous freedom. Yeah.
So you know all the advice I got given early about how to make money for Budgie Smuggler would have worked in the short term. But in the long run I think maybe not so much. So people said no one's buying Budgie Smuggler so make something else. Make like euros were big at the time like Daniel Craig and Bond and that sort of thing. Make it in China.
And I was just like not like not interested. And because I had a job. You could make those calls. I didn't have to I could just kind of follow what I was interested in which is which is what we did.
And it also was growing. So if you look at those early years it was like a thousand pairs fifteen hundred twenty two hundred three thousand. And so we were always growing for the first 10 years we did 50 percent between 40 and 70 percent a year every year. And if you average 50 percent a year for five years.
Yeah. You're 10 times as big at the end of it. Yeah. And so I'm like well if we can just kind of keep on that. I've got time on my side. I was like I'm in this for the long haul. You know like I had like a 10 20 year horizon here. So yeah we're kind of 10. I'm 10 11 years in. In now and it's you know everything at scale becomes much easier. You had people in the payroll before you're paying yourself. Yeah. So we had three full time before I was able to make the leap. Yeah.
Yeah actually I made the leap and moved overseas because it was like these guys were running the company so well. It would just kind of been weird if I started turning up each day demanding the good car park and that sort of thing. So I was like fuck I'm not actually that useful here because I was always away doing aim.
What's the next frontier for budget.
So the next frontier it seemed to launch it in the United Kingdom obviously a beach Mecca. But it is Blackpool. It is the gateway for for many Australians to Europe.
Yeah. So it's pretty funny.
Even the bloke at customs thought I was I was joking when I was like the first move there. And he's like what's you know what are you going to do when you're here. I'm like oh I've got a swimwear business budgie smuggler. And he's like no seriously. He's like getting other immigration people in. Listen to this bloke.
They're like are you serious. I'm like I'm serious. And it was a bit like when I first started at budget here like calling my friends being like you know all excited. And they're like you know I'm like I've taken over budget. They're like you've what. They're like why. I remember we ran the city to surf and it was so much fun. They're like yeah that was like ironic.
Like no one's actually going to buy it.
And so going to the UK was a little bit of deja vu. Yeah. And going through the you know like you do you know that it's not sunny here for like 10 months. Yeah. Of the year. Do you sell well with the euros because when you kind of think about the budgie smuggler kind of look that it's you're always thinking just hairy Greek man right. That's. Yeah. I mean oiled up yes but not necessarily you know abs of steel. Did you do well in that world and have you made moves on the yacht weeks and that kind of that kind of sun Europe. I mean it's just next door. I mean for a little while UK you can you can you can fly quite easily from the UK to Europe. That's it. France is actually the third biggest market for us. It goes Australia UK France. Yeah.
And it's it's actually illegal. Shout outs to Macron because it's actually illegal to wear pants in like shorts in pools in France so that they're legislating in our favor and you know if there's any political staffers listening to this and I encourage.
Do you have any idea why that's the case. I think they say it's I think part of it's like just fuck you like this is what we this is what we wear we don't want this kind of American eyes because kind of wearing shorts is a little bit ridiculous. Where do you stop the line if you're going swimming like in jeans. It doesn't make that much sense. I'm not sure when it's like start in the 70s 80s or something. But yeah I think the reason they give us around the official reason is around hygiene and that if you're sitting in your shorts you get shit in your pockets that it can potentially contaminate the pool.
Yeah right. But I think partly it's just this is what we do. Yeah yeah yeah. Or cultural.
They're a bit ahead of the palms because I read an article last year Adam that said that the UK's most loathed item of clothing was tight swimming trunks. We're more unpopular than turtlenecks and crocs.
Really? Which I think is kind of a... I like crocs though actually.
And turtlenecks actually have a place too. With a chain on the outside. I was at a rugby club in Exeter in the UK a couple of weeks back and told the guys that. And they're like our fancy dress for the end of season 2 is sorted the three most popular run items of clothing in the UK combined.
Yeah so I think we were I think 78% of people said that they hated speedo or budgie. The title was the headline on the BBC was bad day for budgie smugglers.
But I'm like hey if you're not first you're last. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. We've still got 22% that are in the game here. Yeah yeah. So.
Yeah you'd hate to be you know like there's another one on this list. You'd hate to be a manufacturer of uggs, red trousers, clothes with elbow patches. That's bad for the rugby union boys.
Flares, crocs, leather trousers. Red trousers is particularly specific. Yeah not too many people can pull them off like. Red trousers.
The Aboriginal flag has been an interesting one for you because players in like footballers particularly. You've seen it more recently it being you know Curtley Beale or Jonathan Thurston with the Aboriginal mouthguard. You kind of gave them the first kind of opportunity to wear a bit of red black and yellow with the budgies. Yeah so like we used to make like quite a few different flags. And then I think maybe Curtley and some of the Aboriginal boys were like can you do an Aboriginal flag?
I was like 100% and you know I've been very lucky that Aboriginal people have been such a good like probably the dominant influence in my adult life. Like I'm very lucky so yeah we were stoked to do that.
And I think like a lot of brands or companies are very like a bit scared of it maybe. Whereas it's you know. They kind of view it the same as using Aboriginal art in their clothing. Yeah I think just like aren't happy to embrace it maybe.
Whereas you know early on we ran like a swimwear parade called Strut the Streets for four or five years. And that raised like a quarter million for Aboriginal education. And it was yeah it was kind of around that time that people were like hey we want to show pride in our culture. Through a pair that's you know got the flag on it so that's how that happened. So more recently we've been seeing you in the media for a different cause. You know as opposed to doing things overseas to bring down governments.
And that's more or less around the ordinary rig. Can you tell us a bit about what the ordinary rig is? Yeah so ordinary rig started for quite a few years.
We were keen to take the piss out of the Victoria's Secret parade. I was like this is just getting too much and starting to piss me off. Like this kind of impossibly perfect vision of what it means to like be kind of a track.
I'm like this fucking thing has a shelf life. This is this is this definitely got a shelf life.
So our original idea was to do some like some sort of smuggler parade to smuggler's secret or something to match that. And then the tipping point though was we had these kids come into the office in Manly from out in western Sydney. Like rugby league kids about to go on schoolies. Rats tails ready. And they made a comment around oh we've been getting our rigs in order to go on schoolies.
Like we're going to be so ripped. And we just looked around. We looked around in the office and we were like oh fuck like 16 year old, 17 year old boys are so image conscious. Like they're shredding for schoolies. I'm just like fuck like we've lost. Like it's changed in the 10, 15 years since since I was going there where that wasn't really front of mind.
So all right we need. How many UDLs have you got?
Red Bears? Fucking Red Bears man. Oh fuck.
And so it's like all right we need to do something to counter the narrative about you know what's the kind of ideal. And so we're like all right let's have a contest where we celebrate the ordinary. And I also think like everyone is a bit ordinary in like at most things. Yeah. You know so it's an easy concept to identify with. I have little idea why so many companies are always trying to be amazing. Like just be a bit shit and get around it so.
Unless you're an airline. Shout out Jetstar.
Our safety rating is okay. Our safety rating is a bit shit.
We had a tire change on our plane while we were waiting the other day. Oh fuck it was scary. And then a guy goes it was Jetstar. Shout out Jetstar. Thanks to the scabs that were still working that could get us in the air. And this guy goes the pilots just too much information on the way to Melbourne for the book launch. He goes sorry about that guys.
Obviously you know there's strikes around the country today. These delays haven't been related to the strikes.
They've been well they have been technically because the ground staff are under the pump working extra hard covering shifts. But luckily they were able to notice that one of the tires needed changing because it was down to the canvas.
So let's go. And then it's like way too much information big fella. It's like just tell me that Melbourne hasn't got enough room for us yet. And we got to wait on the tarmac for a spot to open up.
Don't tell me that this plane is not airworthy. Because what if you've missed something more important than a fucking tire.
So you kind of went a bit more not so much the dove angle which dove is like you know beautiful beautiful all shapes and sizes are beautiful. But you went the no no ordinary is beautiful.
Yeah. Or men are ordinary. You're not a dove you're a seagull. Yeah. And it wasn't it wasn't a sloppy rig contest either like some people were like oh my God you're encouraging male obesity. No we had strict conditions. You had to look like you could run for a taxi and swing an axe. Yeah. And that you were what else was it. You could throw a child in a pool. Yes. You know very important. Yeah. Pastime. And that was about it.
There was one guy we were privy to the selection process because we were as we said earlier emcees for the inaugural inaugural. 2016. Yeah inaugural ordinary rigs. We were the hosts Clancy and Arrol. Sam Perry's great cricketer came in and.
Yeah. George Rose is a judge as well. Yeah. George Rose probably given the criteria you've just mentioned probably wouldn't have been able to fit in. But there was some ordinary rigs in the selection project process and I actually remember one of you saying there was one guy that you couldn't look at. Sensory's photo. Yeah. That's just too much mate. Very very big nipples. Yeah. No but like blokes who'd had like done a proper injury playing sport. Like the bottom of a can. Or have like a yeah just a. Ex sportsman's bodies are the most ordinary right. The guys have come from great heights. Yep.
Yeah and like just the other day in the airport I ran into Matthew Hayden and he looks like shit. He's been eating too much of his own chicken casserole.
Yeah no. Good through the covers though. Yeah yeah. Good through the covers but he's been eating doonas.
But no yeah we decided that we'd celebrate the ordinary. So this competition we flew the top 10 with their friends from around Australia in. And they had to do like a talent and answer some judges questions. Kind of like a Miss World pageant meets Victoria's Secret. And there was of course a runway parade with their own home devised wings. I think Dingo who won it had giant chicken chicken wings.
Yeah. There was. There was a VB a lot of a lot of one guy made wings out of crushed VB cans. There was a lot of you can tell there was a lot of arts and crafts. A lot of blokes grown men had asked their mums to help. You could see. Oh there was the white feathers. And the guy's mum was an art teacher.
He said he'd slashed a pillow. He went to 40 wings. Came home to mum and tore a knife through these pillows and she helped him glue the feathers to his wings.
I think it's actually like blokes actually do want to express like some level of creativity. Well you had the dance as well. Had the dance and the talent show. Yes.
A lot of worms. That's the go to I think for a lot of guys. Yeah you see it at every wedding you go to someone can do the worm. Every one of those blokes could do the worm.
You know back in the day there was big brother for the funniest bloke in your group of mates. And nowadays there's not really many avenues for them to just be hilarious on a grand stage. And that was it because these were each contestant on ordinary rig was the funniest bloke from their group of mates. And when we went into your office the day before the first ordinary rig comp I remember seeing from a distance before it said I to anyone 12 of the exact same blokes on the balcony and someone cracked a joke and all of them went all at the same time.
They're the exact same person. Same sense of humor. They played the same role in their group of mates and they finally got to be with their own people. I think that's one criteria that I think isn't really pushed to the forefront when you're choosing the most ordinary riggers that they need to be able to hold court. Absolutely. We've done the same comp in the UK now and then we flew the top three from the UK to Australia. Made them be friends. Yeah they put them in the same house and we treated them like celebrities.
So like almost our entire marketing budget for the year was spent on an ordinary rig campaign. And that's why it's good not having any investment because we can just do shit that we think is funny and potentially at some point down the road that pays off. But just following things mainly for the interest of the staff. The English lads gave it a good crack and actually brought home the urn.
So where to from here for Budgie Smugger? Have you even dipped your toe in America? Florida? Cancun? Arizona? So I was in the States a little while ago and they don't necessarily understand the self-deprecating humour.
So you explain what Budgie Smugger means. It's like you're hiding a small bird and they're like why would you choose a small bird? Yeah like why wouldn't you call them a parrot smuggler? A fucking eagle smuggler? You should call it an eagle smuggler and it's like that's not the point.
It's like I know that your soft flaccid penis is the size of a Budgie just from looking at you. Embrace it.
And as a result we haven't quite had the traction there. Whereas South Africa for instance they get it and I thought they wouldn't necessarily be around it as hard as they are.
But they're like bro give me the most outrageous pair you have my man and I will rip this.
So South Africa's been a wonderful bright spot for us. France gets it. The UK definitely gets it. We did a pop-up in Germany recently and they say like when you hear it translated they're like oh that's funny.
So you know like even Japan like I think I don't know if this is right but they can't pronounce the letter or they don't have the letter L in their vernacular or their alphabet. So Adam Ashley Cooper was telling me the story of explaining it to the guys and like the Japanese blokes like Budgie Smugger and the fucking it was just silence. And then boom like the whole team's just fucking lost their shit and got it.
So yeah there's a few more places around the world than not get it but the US isn't quite taking off. Yeah well say for example if you were going to sell them in continental Europe you know for your next big expansion.
Would you stick with the English spelling or would you try to translate it into you know the local dialect. Where it's like how do you translate Budgie Smuggler into Italian.
Have you got an answer for us on this one? I have heard it. Yeah I was hoping you'd be able to regale us.
So in 2008 we made some pairs for the Beijing Olympics and one of our main sewers. So our first sower we've used him since day one a bloke Arnold. This is he's 63 when he started sorry 68 when he started with us he's 83 now. He's still going running our our main swimwear factory and we asked him when he's gonna retire and he said if he stops doing it he's gonna he's gonna lose it upstairs. So he's still going but one of his main sewers there, Lee's Chinese.
And so we made pairs for the Beijing Olympics and we translated Budgie Smuggler into Chinese. She gets us the pairs and she's like oh Adam this doesn't say Budgie Smuggler. What does it say? So I should say I got my red-headed six foot three red-headed mate who said he spoke fluent Chinese to translate it. Because it doesn't say Budgie Smuggler. I say what does it say? And she goes it says small bird cage.
I was like it's actually pretty fucking good. Let's run with it.
I've googled a couple so I've got English, Italian and German. So this is the this is the French translation of Budgie Smuggler. And this is the Italian translator. That's like romantic. But say that again after the German translation.
Well all the best Adam and the Budgie team heading into what looks like statistically through a complete anomaly the hottest summer we've ever had coming up. Yep complete outlier. Complete outlier.
I wish you all the best and what a yarn. And we might get you on back next time. We'll talk about AIM from top to bottom. Bringing you on here with Bancroft maybe. Love to. |
dropout | phantom_s_liaison | Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Erotic Book Club podcast, the College Humor podcast where we read erotic books and then discuss them. I'm here. I am Jessica. I'm here with my co-host. Hello, I'm Rekha. And we have some wonderful people joining our book club today. Hi, I'm Malin.
Welcome so much, sexy lady. Welcome so much.
Yeah, that's what it's all about. I feel sexy. Good. So this week, the assignment was The Phantom's Liaison. This was written by Lizzie Vega, real name.
Who knows? Who's to say? Who knows? Who's to say?
And this is book one in the Phantom Liaison series. So we're getting right at the start of this exciting journey. Some characters, if you have not read it, I'll let you know who we'll be talking about. There's Meryl, our lead act or not actress, our lead woman. I'm always thinking about what's the movie going to look like.
We have Hailey, a neighbor in her building. Jet, another neighbor. Turtle, their landlord.
And then of course, The Phantom. Whose nickname is Tom. Get it?
So let's start it off with the prologue. So we're introduced to the book. And we meet Turtle, but we realized later that this was years ago. So in the prologue, Turtle is 27.
He's in his building with this older woman who he's finding kind of sexy. And they're looking at a stain up on the wall. And the woman is saying that you can't do anything to the stain. You can't remove it because the spirit of The Phantom is in there. And if you do something that she's been able to capture it in there. And if you do something to it, it will release The Phantom. And something a little interesting there. He said, okay, I can't even paint over this stain.
Yeah. She said, no, you'll break the seal, which to me, it's enforcing the seal. But yes, I guess I don't know. I guess it depends on the kind of paint you're using.
Yeah, you would have to go to Home Depot. You have to go to Home Depot and ask.
That's the thing. What did we think of the prologue? I thought it it set things up all because it does end in sex. The prologue.
Yeah. Do they have sex? Yes. 100%. He has sex with the old woman. She's like, that took a lot out of me. You're right. Now it's time for sex. Yes. They definitely have sex. But that feels like sex on their own accord because The Phantom has been sealed. Right. But it's still hot. And it's still sex. You're right.
So I don't understand. Yeah. What is the problem? You are no problem. Okay. I have a quote.
It was the Phantom has made the witch horny. Let you and I talk payment afterwards. And then that is the cliffhanger that the prologue leaves us on.
It just sounds like an excuse for a landlord not to do shit around the apartment. I feel like my landlord would say this. So now chapter one, 25 years later, we see turtle is showing our lead Meryl around the apartment.
We get a very odd description of her. The description is her skin was the color of mocha and her mahogany tinted hair was long and naturally corkscrewed. Okay. So sounds like me and soft Caucasian features except for the lips, which were all in which were somewhat wide. Her eyes were startling wide and subtly tilted upward like a cat's with rises that were an intriguing mix of green and gray.
If only he were 20 years younger. There you go. Turtle caught himself thinking, right? I did misread that.
So this woman is a brown woman with curly hair, but she has Caucasian features except her lips, except her lips, which are wide, not too brown, not too brown. She's still wide enough for her to be a fully white woman on the cover of it is a full right fully a white woman on the cover of this book. Just yeah, if you were nervous at all, it is still a white woman.
Don't worry. And her eyes aren't brown. So please don't shit yourselves. They are beautiful green or gray. They aren't brown. Dear God, kill us all if her eyes were brown.
So she's walking around the apartment. She sees the stain. She asks about it. He lets her know, please don't do anything to it. It's the one thing about the apartment you can't do.
We also learned that she is a virgin. Yes. That she's from New Orleans. She lived with her grandmother there. They've never she's never had sex. She's been very sheltered all of her life with her New Orleans grandma. Yes.
She's even uncomfortable saying sex. It's not even a thing where she's like, I just haven't met the right person. She is just so uncomfortable with the concept of sex.
Yes. Or anybody hitting on her, any guy or anything like that, which makes something that happens a bit later made me think, um, that maybe she is a lesbian, spoiler alert, but then it's rest assured that she's also not a lesbian. So don't worry. We didn't read that kind of brown eyes and she's not gay. She's in the graduate program at the UCB, uh, not the upright citizens brigade, but UC Berkeley.
Um, yeah, so she decides right then and there to take the apartment. But of course, what's the first thing that she does?
Oh boy. Let's take that. I bet I know. Is it, does she leave the stain as in? No. She's gonna paint over it. Yeah. She feels inclined to. Yeah. I don't know. She, they do indicate though, that she felt compelled to it. It wasn't just, Oh, I don't like this. I'm gonna paint over it. Yeah. She has something inside her that she was focused on. This little thing pulling her. Here's the thing.
If you're this landlord, wouldn't you not sell this apartment, but you make it a storage room or something. Many times they allude to the fact of how badly he wants money from tenants. Like they'll be like, yeah, it's such and such horrible thing was happening, but he really wanted the rent money.
I just think this is such a liability. I mean, this is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Oh yeah.
And he, the backstory is many people have cycled out of this apartment. Many, many tenants have gone in and out of this apartment and there's no explanation why. Well, one woman lived there for like 24 years, Mrs. Stephens.
Yeah. But I don't know why Tom wasn't into her. She was just kind of boring. I guess. Oh, I thought the implication was she really enjoyed. Oh, that's what I thought. I thought with, yes. Well, we'll get to it. Yes, she did enjoy the thing. And so therefore he did not haunt her.
So now we're in chapter two. Yeah, she removes the stain and she feels compelled. She feels compelled to remove the stain and then once it's removed, she feels compelled to walk across the hall to meet her to Haley, her neighbor. Yes. Like a gust of wind like blows up her dress. Right. And then she all of a sudden feels possessed.
You can imagine the wind going like a vagina, like a little hand kind of sort of like Super Mario up the pipe. That's a nasty wind. I don't think about the wind that way. A gentle wind, a bingery wind.
Yeah. Right up the old vagina. Yeah. Very beautiful. Hailey has soft hands, older woman, red hair, pixie cut, heavy makeup, and she's wearing a figure hugging tank top and jeans and she is a bartender. And Meryl, through her whole description of her and it's the first person that she sees and is into, this is what made me think that maybe Meryl was gay. Yes. And she even said even her armpit is pretty. Yeah. I'm like, oh, you're interested in her. Which I'm gay and I don't think anybody's armpit is pretty. So this lady's very good. Oh, and then we also meet Jett, the hottie who lives in the building as well. Yeah.
Jett Tomlinson or something. What is this? It's some very crazy like bubbly letter. You're making up character names.
Yeah. And he's bisexual. Yeah. Really. Which this book has an issue with. Oh boy. Oh yeah. Yeah.
Hailey immediately calls Jett a fag. And then it's supposed to be kind of witty banter back and forth, but it's so harsh. Nope. One of the first things that our girl Hailey says that you're kind of like, Oh God, I hope nobody fucks you. And they do. And they describe him as someone who will have sex with anything and doing that in tandem with being like he's bisexual. They keep saying he has indiscriminate sexual taste, which is so offensive.
Yeah. I do have the quote. He'll hump anything that moves man, woman, dog, anything. Yeah.
It's pretty horrible. Uh, anyway, but we meet them. We see a bit of Hailey and Jett's banter, which may come into play later in the book. Maybe not.
Uh, and then we also for the first time hear the Phantom's point of view in this chapter. So now we're hearing what the Phantom is doing to Meryl and to everyone in the building.
Yeah. He's very excited to turn this timid virgin into a slutty woman. Yeah. And he can sense that she has witch's blood. Yes. That he calls her a little witch all the time.
And I guess, I guess that's, that's nice. And I guess that's nice.
A compliment in Phantom culture. Yeah. In Phantom culture. It's very positive. So the Phantom has her brush her hair.
Uh, I guess they have, he has the brief introduction. He wants them to meet the people in the building that she goes back home, brushes her hair, and then goes, uh, over to her neighbor Hailey's apartment and knock at the door. And then that's where the chapter leads off.
And this next scene is, is sex. It's a sex scene. We're getting to our first sex scene. So then we can really get into the meat of this book. It takes a while to get to the sex. There's not for me enough sex. This was 26% of the way through the book.
Yes. Right. That's kind of a lot for late, which is also how you judge books now is what the little tab on the book 60% book left. Yeah. Definitely not enough sex. Yeah.
There was this woman was the author is very interested in having like a narrative component to like, this felt very much like she was like, I can't just write straight erotica. There has to be a lot of like metaphor and like story and plot, which I did not need. I think they thought this was going to be like their 50 shades. Like there's like, I would be curious if this was even based off something else, the way that 50 shades is.
Right. Um, so Hailey gets a knock on the door.
Uh, Meryl comes in and then, uh, Hailey's kind of confused. She's starting to set up stuff for Meryl. She looks over and Meryl is buck naked.
Buck. How often have you guys described being naked as buck naked? We were talking about, is it, I say butt naked. I would say butt as well. I have heard both. I've heard buck wild, buck naked, butt naked. I think I say buck. You say, really? This is like a little gradient. Wow. Which I mean, I don't often say, I usually will opt for naked, but if I'm going to add a descriptor, I think I would say buck naked. And is it sexier? No. Say buck naked.
I think butt is sexier. I want to see you butt naked. I want to see your butt. I want to see your butt naked.
I feel like I hear like applied to like when a kid like is like running around, buck naked. Like it's not a sexual descriptor. It's like a wild like, it's like, whoops, put on your clothes. Yeah, that's the thing. There's something very like juvenile about it. I was like, this is our first sex scene and this is how we want to describe things.
Meryl is naturally hairless without the benefit of wax or razors.
Which is a man wrote that. One of the first times when you're like, oh, a man, yes. A man told it.
She's just one of those gals where nothing ever grew down there. Yeah, she's eight. And she's buck naked.
Yeah, that's super nasty. So these two, as described in the book, mash their breasts together, which is someone who has been with a woman. I can never think of like, well, well, like we're like pushing our boobies together. It just seems so gross and juvenile to me.
It's a man wrote this important thing. Yeah, right. I think it's like it's done in lesbian porn. So I feel like, yeah, that's what this man has to just mash at them. Yeah, I think, I don't think I've watched enough like people mash boobs. Yeah, man.
I've seen it.
How was it? Was it enjoyable?
Oh, I mean, I'm not even thinking of a specific like instance. I feel like it's common. Is it like a slap or like a schmuck? I think it's also while making out and touching other parts. It's not just like strategic like, Oh, we're meeting in the middle.
Our breasts get in the way. Oh, the only thing between our love is I happen to have breasts as well. My, my puzzle pieces could.
So the two women begin to finger one another. Yeah, heavy finger. Their fingers into their hot slits or something. She has all sorts of ways to describe a vagina in this book, but it definitely sounds like the kind of fingering that's like just inserting.
Yeah, with no, not like stuff, just like that isn't the way that you guys get off. Just with someone jabbing your pussy with the dry sandpaper freaking woodpecker. Yeah. Scratchy nail. Yeah. Scratchy nail.
Oh, I'm sorry. One of my favorite parts of the book is when the women are about to make love. Um, I forget which one. I think it's Haley had in her mind you hear, God, thank God.
I bought the fake leather couch so that like a real leather couch, I would never be able to get this juice out of and I have had that thought, not about buying leather, but you got to put a towel down. If it's on the couch, it's on the couch. People sit there. That is freaking rude.
Yes. Uh, that part I was like, maybe this is, yeah, that's the one part. That's like that. Yeah.
Like she was thoughtful. What if it like his wife read it and was like, you got to add this. We got double the trouble. So they have a short little do it session. Here's a question that popped up. Is it a threesome if the Phantom is making her have sex with the other woman?
No, I don't think so. I don't think so at all. Not even a little bit because here's the thing.
I don't think either of them are gaining pleasure from the Phantom being there. I think the Phantom gains pleasure from being there, but I don't think Halle or Meryl gets like Meryl. I mean, first of it's a little fuck Meryl's being possessed to have sex. Yes, it's extremely, but I don't think that like Halle finds it. How he doesn't know she's being possessed, right? And Meryl isn't quite aware. She doesn't know what's happening yet.
Yes. I don't think it's a threesome. And I think for it to be a threesome for me, I think everyone have to be like enjoying. For me, I like to know that I mean, I want to know that I'm there. But for me and something that should have been mentioned way earlier in the book, but made a lot of my worries about the book a little better was in the end. It says that the Phantom only goes off of your own natural desires. Yes.
So it's something that's like deep inside of this coy little Virgin and she's just begging. She's begging to rub boobies.
So does that change your mind? No, it's still not a threesome. I can't believe no one agrees with me. Okay. If someone was in my mind, if a physical there's two right now, someone is also she doesn't know that there's she doesn't know that she what's going on.
And who? Yeah, because who's it?
Because also no one is pleasuring. The Phantom is getting pleasured, but the Phantom isn't pleasuring anybody.
Is that what makes it threesome? I think someone could sit in the corner right now. Right. When someone cuckolding, when you watch, when you just watch, is that a cuckold? I think it's a computer.
A series is a cuckold. What is a cuckold? What is cuckold? Honestly, cuckold is such a good word. Yes, you should. Hello, cuckold. Respond when you wanted somebody's wife or when you want it like, oh, you're a cuckold. You're taking somebody's partner.
I think it has to do with watching. I don't know, but I think it is often. Yeah. A guy who lets who maybe watches someone else have sex with his wife. Could a cuckold be a division of a threesome? No. Why not? I think maybe. I think it is sexual. If it is, it's division like three. Yes. I don't think that's a grade A threesome.
I just don't. I'm sorry.
What do you mean by grade A threesome? Yeah, I think the man being cuckolded is deriving, you know, like as a submissive type. I'd be like, yeah, that would be a subset of threesomes.
Maybe this is more like a voyeur or peeping phantom situation. I was going to make that joke. Yeah. This book is smarter than I thought. Because even in a cuckold, you know that the third person is there. Ideally, they're just like in a closet, proverbial closet, like watching. I'm going to have to put my foot down. Absolutely. This is not a threesome. Katie has put Jessica. I think you're right. I have put my foot down. Because they are part of the sexual experience. You two are getting off more because someone is watching and they're getting off watching regardless of what they're doing. I would like to move on because I'm getting pretty heated.
This is chapter three. We're only three chapters in. Okay, so these ladies do it. End of story. Chapter four. That was a very contentious chapter. Yeah.
So now Meryl is wondering exactly what happened. What's going on? Why did I just go over and fuck my neighbor?
Who is a woman also? I think that also started a little easier. Who is a woman?
And she started to question too, am I gay? And I thought it was going to be that she was open to things, but then it was a shutdown.
Definitely not. Which is a bummer. Yeah, that was a bummer.
Or just at least buy something. Be buy.
Thanks, robot. Thanks for stopping by.
And then it's the first time that she meets Tom. When she's back in the room, Tom presents his true form. And this was sincerely my favorite part of the book. I did love the way that Tom looked. This was the hottest part. Tom is this big, it's almost like if the David came to life and had a giant erection and he was made of gold.
And I kind of imagine he's almost like kind of metallicy and liquidy too. Liquidy. I like like one of those like trapper keepers where you touch the front. Oh, God.
No, it's something like one of the Musinex boogers. Oh, he's not a Musinex booger. No, it's just like the Musinex guys. No, it's like the galaxy of Swirly. It's like it's contained. Not the Musinex booger.
I would never fuck the Musinex booger. Bullshit. I would never fuck the Musinex booger. Truly no one.
So we meet Tom. And we see him in his beautiful golden dick. He himself says, do call me Tom.
It's short for phantom. They add that in it just in case you didn't know as the reader. So this is for readers of all levels. And he makes her watch him jerk it.
Which at the time, of course, now we're talking about consent and you feel so good. I think they just had to move that. He brings out what you want. They had to say that because it was like, this is a problem. I was like, dude, this is where they say that really fucked up thing. Just where it says it felt only right that where is it? Oh, yes. Fair is fair.
He made her do those things to Hallie while he watches. So she was only returning the favor. No, no logic of why she stays and watches him jerk off. So he made you have sex with someone and he watched. Therefore, you owe him watching him have sex.
Yes. Makes no sense. No, certainly not. That's fucked.
Meryl is very much a... She's a victim. She's a victim and she's got very twisted thinking and I really... She needs to see a therapist. I am nervous for Meryl. I'm very nervous. And she does...
Oh, and then he spits out his phantom seed out of his baby. Yeah, yeah, he spits it out. Disgusting.
Yeah. He finishes and disappears and he says, my work here is done. Can you imagine if you were with a guy and he jerked it on your wall and then said, my work here is done? Honestly, I mean, if it was a one night stand, I wouldn't mind one bit. Probably. My work here is done.
Do you mean to mess? Clean mess.
Is it physical though? If he's a phantom, is his cum... Or is it like a wind? Or does it disappear when he disappears?
I just thought of it shooting in the air like a river, but in the air. That is so cool to me. I'm so unkind. I don't think it's hot. I think it's beautiful.
I'd love to see fan art of it. If any of you are artists out there and would like to draw Tom the Phantom.
Did you guys imagine him any other way? I was the David. I told you what I accidentally did. Gritty. I accidentally... Despite how someone could describe someone in a book, you're just like, I already locked them in as this.
It doesn't matter what you're saying. I don't know why. Okay.
Do you know the villain in Princess and the Frog? Yes. The big purple clothes in the top hat and he really slick. I know exactly who you're talking about. I imagine him as him.
I find Disney characters very sexy. I was very into Jafar, especially when Jasmine was in the red outfit. Jasmine looked very hot in the red outfit. That is one of the sexiest scenes I've ever seen.
I mean, but it's scary. Hey, that's love, baby. Great.
Chapter five, Meryl is alone. She needs to scrub her soul, her words. This poor girl.
Because she saw a man jerk it, even though she felt she owed him that. She does say as well, if my grandmother were going through the same thing, she'd know what to do. If my grandmother saw a phantom jerk it hard in front of her, she would know just what to say.
And this is a virgin without Wi-Fi. This is the exact moment. Marlon has pointed out something very crucial. She doesn't have Wi-Fi or even a smartphone with a data plan. That's what she says. This poor virgin without Wi-Fi.
So she literally has never seen. I mean, I don't know what kind of sex education she's getting in Louisiana, but I suspect not great. And so she's truly never seen any of this before. She definitely wouldn't have had a way to like watch porn or anything.
Not a dial-up. No way. It's too slow.
Yes, this is wild. She should be more traumatized, I think. Crazy. Yeah.
But it's inside of her. It's inside us all. The desire. It's inside us all.
And it was being repressed. That made me kind of like Meryl, or at least feel for Meryl. I think she had a bit going on. So she goes to the library because she ain't got, you know, no bebop electronics.
And then she comes back and Hailey's in the hallway. Turtle's in the hallway. Meryl's in the hallway. We all in the hallway.
I say it because they're all kind of doing a look at each other. And these two are looking awkward sexual attention. And Turtle knows something is up between these two.
He's seen this before. He's seen this many times. He suspects that she's scrubbed her walls and the phantom is back.
And sure enough, Turtle is right. Oh, no. I'm good. I'm good.
So Turtle goes into her room with her. She explains what happened. I scrubbed the wall. The horny ghost came.
He's like, yeah, I know. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know. And he does. And Meryl herself at this point thinks that her witch blood is able to control Tom a little. Oh, so in the one scene, we did forget to mention that Tom says, you can either stay and be my play thing or you can leave. Like the others. Yes. And Meryl, in kind of her first big moment, says, no, I shall do neither. I shall stay and not be your sex thing. Yeah. Right. Very powerful. And Tom is like, ha, ha, ha. But then he feels a bit of her power because she does have this witch blood.
So see, this lady wrote a lot. She wrote a lot.
There's been one sex in. Yeah. So then Tom comes out and interrupts the conversation and is like, yeah, Turtle, I'm back. And you were the one who did this to me. And then he takes Turtle into Turtle's room.
And I think they have sex. They do have sex. I think they do have sex.
It's not described in the book. It's implied.
And the next day, Turtle has never looked better. Yes. Turtle looks good. Meryl's words. He looks 25 years younger. Where are we now? Yeah. What kind of do you guys think the Turtle and Tom sex was hot?
I mean, no. Absolutely not. Just instantly no. Just it wasn't described in any way. It didn't at all do anything to me. And I'm never really.
But in your mind's eye. I think even off screen, I wouldn't have found it hot.
Turtle is not an annoying person to me. No, Turtle seems gross.
I think there's something about a hot Adonis and kind of like this landlord schlubby old man just having little kisses that I like. I like them like touching each other's face and then like, yeah, and then getting to it. I kind of like them together. What are the rules of the Phantom deciding to occupy a body and going out versus like he himself taking corporeal form and doing Turtle?
Yeah, that's the thing too, because I think he might have just made him jerk it all. Right. Or he jerked. They both jerked.
And is that a threesome? I don't know. And is that a threesome?
I mean, my huge issue with the book, and I'll say it halfway through, is that no one, we never see sex with this Phantom. Yes. What a waste. Isn't that crazy? And when I hear sex ghost, I think he's going to be sleeping with all of the people. Yes, and that's how it should be.
And he has other worldly powers. He can get into crevices that no... Didn't we talk about this last time about like crevices that no one else could get to? This ghost could find a new, you know, pleasure zone.
Yeah, in your cervix. He could get to your cervix. He could check if your IUD is in there and find your new pleasure zone.
Yeah. Almost poorly like see how the IUD is doing. Yes. Oh my god.
Yeah, and he's just always erect. I like that about him too. He just shows up and he's fucking like hard as a rock.
Yeah, that was nice. And no one is getting on it. That's true. There needed to be more boning. I loved depictions. Simply not enough. Yeah. Depictions of demons that have erections. They did it in that one movie with Jonah Hill.
Like the world will end or something like money ball. And there's like a money ball. I did it in money ball.
Okay, turtles never looked hotter. Chapter six. He takes him out to lunch, the two ladies, and he gives them the lowdown of what is going on.
And Hailey does not believe it. Of course, Meryl does because she's seen Tom. But Hailey's like, you guys are crazy. No way. And this is when you also find out that, yeah, he finds your sexual nature and then has it come out. Yeah. So Hailey's a non-believer up until Hailey goes back to the house and runs into our boy Jett.
Who she like kind of hates. She like really thinks he's an idiot and like super judges his bisexuality. She's cruel to him. Yeah, very rude. She says hate speech every time she sees him.
Yes. Do you think it's meant to be flirtation that is written just very poorly? 100%. Yeah. That was the vibe that I got. I mean, I think so. What, what? I mean, she drops the F-bomb again. Yeah. In this interaction. Yeah. She's not a nice woman. Hailey does refer to Jett's dick, if you didn't know these guys are about to fuck, as this dick of all the dicks in the world. Yes. Yeah, that was beautiful and poetic.
This dick had a walk in a mine. A kid in a mine.
And he walks in buck naked. So Jett is now possessed by the Phantom. Yes. Goes into Hailey's room because the Phantom knows, I guess, Hailey's a non-believer. I don't know.
He just likes when people fuck. And so he goes into the room and these two go at it with no foreplay whatsoever. It's specifically. He just slides into her apartment and straight into her pussy. The quote is, without further ado, that is to say, without any foreplay whatsoever, Jett plunged his entire length into Hailey's hot, moist, and tender slice of heaven.
Did it say punched? Plunged. Oh, thank God. Oh, I thought you said punch. Yeah! Well, that's better.
That is so gross. It's so gross.
Yeah, I heard punch. I heard and read punch.
Is that just supposed to be a hot thing? Like, without any foreplay, I was able to just get someone's soap. But like, in somebody's mind, in someone's world, it's supposed to be like, I'm so fucking good that just the second she sees me, she's dripping and ready to go. Yeah. I guess if you're that hot and someone is already wet looking at you, that's really great for you.
I just can't imagine any separation.
I feel like that would hurt. Yes. Yeah, it would. Me personally?
Ouch. Yeah. Ouch. Katie's reading? Ouch. Like, in this book? Ouch.
So then we hop to Meryl's apartment. She hears sounds coming, and she just knows, oh my god, it has to be the phantom controlling two of my neighbors, and now they're having sex. They would never have sex on their own. No one in this building would normally have sex, but because now a sex demon is out, everybody is. So she is compelled by Tom to go over and watch them, and he is like, fucking her like a jackrabbit. And Meryl is just watching, and Tom's like, yes, watch.
Is this a threesome? Is this a foursome?
Okay. Is Tom also still in Jet's body, and he's able to duplicate himself, go get Meryl and bring her back? Guys, I'm sorry. I have to say, I thought that Meryl went to talk to Hallie.
I think she did. And then she was compelled to go, and then she was like grabbed in by Jack. And then the door was locked. She couldn't get out. She is. And that part was so confusing, because then it made it sound like later they were surprised that she was there.
Yes, it made it seem really very, very gross. Because if they grabbed her, he was possessed. Yeah, I think a possessed jet grabbed her and pulled her into the air. So if you're possessed and you grab a third, is it a threesome?
No. Yes.
I think it's a cuckold. I think it's a foursome. Because you get the cuckold and the phantom.
The fact that they didn't know until he was out of Jett's little head, that she was there worries me. That to me is, no, that's not a threesome. That's non-consensual. She didn't want to be there. That's not a threesome.
She didn't participate in anything. She didn't participate.
And Jett did not want to be there, as evidenced by when the phantom left him. He immediately gets up and leaves. He felt very guilty and strange. Because of their awkward relationship.
Yes. And he was just waking up naked somewhere that he wasn't expecting. Yes. Right. Yes.
That's what made it so hard to find any of this hot, I think, is that it's all murky, like, consent wise, and whether any of them even want to be doing it. And it's not totally fixed, I don't think, by the one line of like, it revealed your desires. So this is all fine, but the experience of reading it, it still doesn't feel awesome. To me, it felt rapey, for sure. And if it is really trying to get it, like, no, it's just a sexy surprise. It did not hit that note at all. You need characters to immediately be like, okay, yes, surprise, but I love it.
No. It even said that Halle was like, walking backwards and telling this. To me, it was like, she was trying to get the fuck out of there. Yes. This sex scene was terrible. Yes. This was so bad.
And it took place across multiple chapters, strangely. It was odd, yes. And one of the lines that I thought was crazy, once they realized, sorry, yeah, this is so confusing.
Okay, Jett, still carrying Halle and still connected to her, stepping forward in the direction of the hall and of Meryl, then reaching out a hand. So around the back. And Meryl followed it with her eyes with an odd sense of detachment like it wasn't her arm. Those long, beautiful fingers were reaching for with the result that she once again was stunned when Jett grabbed her and in one abrupt motion, made more impressive by the fact that he was also supporting Halle's way, pulled Meryl into the apartment, shut the door after all three of them.
So he came while still inserted. And he opened the door like he's answering a FedEx package or whatever. Thank you. Yeah, closes the door, locks it up, double checks, is still fucking.
I read that so many times. It was so confusing.
That's what happened though. But that's what happened though. Historically understand. That's like literally what happened. I'm sorry. That's what happened.
I did know that never before have I seen someone orgasm and written out. So it's written, oh, ho, home, um, um, god. And it looks like it says good because you need to make god look like it's longer. She puts too many O's instead of too many D's. Like a cereal mascot.
Yeah, great. Oh my god. I've never seen that right now.
And for that I think is pretty creative. Yeah, that's so pretty creative.
So these guys keep having sex. There was one little hot moment. Let me see if you guys thought the same. Where they're like kind of teasing each other. So they do describe how like the penis goes in. He's like slowly putting it in and out a little peek-a-boo and then boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then like slow again.
Yeah, I like that. But I don't like when people use the adjective hammering or like slamming, thrusting, punching. Yeah, is what I meant to say.
Or again, no one did, but Katie thought. But Katie thought, and that's important enough to address.
I think they don't hate hammering, but it has to be when the time is right. It has to be when the time is right. Like build up. We have to earn it. You have to earn your hammering.
How do you sort of violent word is gonna turn me off? What about a little spank? I hate it.
All right, so these two do it. They finish up. The girls bond for a bit about what happened. Now she believes that the possession is real. Hailey does.
In chapter 10 now, Tom visits Jett. I thought this was a very funny scene. He's basically with them and he's kind of like, I'm a ghost. And then Jett's like, oh yeah, cool. And then he leaves.
Drinking, right? He's drinking. At the bottom of his bottle.
He's so upset. Which is very sad.
Yes. He's like reckoning with the fact that he just maybe assaulted someone or was assaulted himself. Yes. Pushing over that. But he wasn't at all like, oh my god, a ghost. Or there was no, it was just. He was relieved. He was relieved because he didn't assault someone. Yeah, exactly. Weird to include. It shows me that they get it enough, but not enough. No.
So then Meryl is taking a shower. She's trying to wash off what has happened. And she is starting to feel more and more sexual herself now too. So she debates masturbating with the shower head and she's going back and forth whether she should, whether it's right, whether she's gone crazy.
I was reading this like, oh my god, just put it on your pussy already. Like what? Put it on your pussy. Have you guys done this? With a shower head?
Yeah. No. I've tried. It's not super great. Yeah, I don't think, for me, no, I don't think that would do anything.
It was one of the first ways that I masturbated. When I was a kid. Yeah. We had just gotten one of those like detachable shower heads too. Okay. When you got into puberty, your parents were like, it's time for Jessica to get one of these.
She's pathetic.
I've never had one. I've only used one at like a hotel. So I've never.
It's simply must. Should I get one? Do you have one now? No.
Well, I just have cake. Now I know you're, what I'm going to get you for your wedding. I get nothing but shower heads.
It does feel nice because it's like warm too and it's like a nice jet. And then you can control the jet. You can work your way up to hammering. Right. Yeah, the jet has like a little, but it goes from like little tease to hammer. That's what you can work it up to.
So Tom pops into her mind as she's having this debate and is trying to get her to do it. Yes. He's like, do it. He's like, masturbate. And he sort of emphasizes that idea of like, this is what you really want kind of thing. Yes. Yeah. And we learn a bit about Tom here too, about like his kind of backstory and his nature. Yeah. Do we? It's basically a moment where they're trying to make Tom like a nice guy. Oh yeah. Oh my god.
And they even say, and Meryl was starting to like him. To like even make it be like, in case you really super hated him, our protagonist who is manipulated, possessed, and betrayed by this person this ghost likes him.
She was also very uncomfortable that he was there. She like put on a thing and was like really trying to hide her vagina.
And then he's like, I've seen. Oh, which she calls her problem mound. Yes. This is the scene where she calls her vagina. But don't we all, don't we all call that. When I was at the L.B.G. where I'm like, this is my little problem mound. Yeah. You know, there's so many parts of my body that I call that.
Problem mounds.
Yeah. Mostly just this. Yeah. The sexual parts. The sex parts. Those are my problem mounds. But wait, what was the question that doesn't mean. Oh. So she was uncomfortable with him being there. Yeah. He says, I've seen every type of body before and you better believe I've seen every inch of yours. And it's like, she's like, that's supposed to be more uncomfortable. Yeah. So it's very weird. Is this the part where he said he likes like all bodies? Yes.
That was nice. That was hilarious. Hold on. It's. There's a speech.
She's been with all different kinds of people and that he doesn't judge. OK, he says, if it makes you feel any better, I don't really care about a person's physical traits. In fact, you could say I'm blind to them.
I've been with big women, big women and skeletal men. The two genders. Wow, what a saint. I've had them wrinkly, hairy, shiny with scars, or bumpy with lesions. The other two genders. I've had them fresh and young and I've had them weathered with illness or age.
I don't care if they have breasts or a penis. I don't care if they have breasts and a penis. My only requirement is solidity. If a person has that, I don't care about what kind of form they have.
This is my next audition monologue. Yeah. Hello, my name is Jessica Ross. How are you doing?
Tom from The Antoms League. We're all familiar with that. Oh, God, this again.
Is this comedic or dramatic? Both. Sexual. This is my sexual monologue.
So this is the point, yeah, where we see Tom's not that bad of a guy. He goes away. She does masturbate with the shower head. Then we see Turtle. She runs into Turtle the next day and he basically makes this weird just like, it's a living. And then that's the end of the book.
Yes. And then he says he wants to populate the apartment with horny people. With horny people. Yeah, and they'll just so that he'll still make his money because that's all he cares about. Yes. But then the Phantom will get what he wants, which is sexy people. And it'll be like maybe more ethical. Yeah. Would it be crazy to think that the second book is great? Yes. Certainly.
It just kind of like this weird set up to then, and now in the next book, you'll get what you thought you were going to get. I need a bunch of people in a hotel fucking. I guess if we were to read the description of the second book and it wasn't like all the reviews are like, there's a ton of sex in here. Then this book has failed. I don't want to read it if there's not a lot of sex.
There's got to be. Let me see if I can.
I didn't join this book club for no sex. Yeah. I didn't join this bookshelf. Book club to dry up like a raven.
I wanted to stuff like a grape. In other erotic stuff that y'all have read, what's like how many sex scenes you usually get? So many.
It starts immediately and it keeps going. And it keeps going to an uncomfortable degree. Right. And eventually your nether regions get turned off by it because you're so inundated by it. You're just like whatever. Exactly. You're like, this isn't okay.
Another penis. Another vagina.
Okay. Okay, I get it. Yeah, I get it.
Is the next one the Phantom's Pursuit? I hope so.
I have no idea. It wants me to rate this book before I do it. I'm not, go ahead. What's the rating? I did not add this one to my Goodreads.
Yeah. Need people. I get it. 60% through the Phantom's Liaison.
One being a drought. Five being slide off my chair. Monsoon season. Can I go just because I started talking already?
Yes. No. I'd say this was a one. Dry as can be. Not a wetness in the air. Yeah. No humidity in this book. Nope. There's no wetness in the air.
What about you, Jess? I mean, I just wanted so much more, so I'm a little disappointed.
And in moments on my own, thinking about my version of Tom visiting me, I enjoyed it quite a lot. So you enjoyed your own fantasy. Your own erotica. The erotica, in my mind, was at least like a three or a four. Wow. She inspired really sexy erotica. She did inspire.
I mean, I just like hearing stories when people say that they have sex with ghosts. Yeah, me too. Who doesn't? Definitely love to have sex with a ghost. If you're a ghost watching, please, you have my permission. DM Jess.
On the tip of my apartment and make love to me. Yeah, I just like the idea of it. I think that it's funny and sexy. Yeah, so you really love this book, then.
No, well, but this, unfortunately, I mean, I don't even know what I read. I would have to give this. I don't know what the hell this was.
A one as well. It was a disappointment, for sure. Sex-wise, I mean, it was nothing. For sure. I'm also a one.
I did like the first sex scene with Hallie and Meryl just isolated, but the whole weird consent thing was awful. I wish, it was just kind of similar to the last book with the step sibling element. I did not need this weird lack of desire to do the thing element. I just wanted them to want to have sex and then they had sex and then maybe they could be like, oh, should we have? But in a way, we're like, we both wanted this because that was kind of a hot sex scene for like a few seconds. And then it totally went downhill.
Oh, yeah. Total dry city. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think there were like maybe pages of like three for me, but then overall, like, yeah, totally a one.
Yeah, you were pretty dry. Yeah, pretty dry. It was pretty desert-like.
Yeah. Yeah, for all the aforementioned reasons. Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm sorry, ladies, because I'm trying to get everybody off. I want everyone to have a good time.
It's okay, man. It's just okay.
Yeah, it was a waste of time. Yeah, it's just a giant waste of time.
But it's so fast to read, though, when there are like, I mean, I don't know how many actual pages it is because we read it in an e-book. But yes, there's only five percentages. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then locations. What are the locations?
I don't know. How we're reading this. Oh, I don't know. I did notice that as well. I don't know what that is.
Library of Congress. This is in the Library of Congress.
This will last longer than we do. Everyone remember that when we're getting gone. This is going to be the next amendment.
The Phantom's Menace. The Phantom, not Venice. The Phantom Venice.
Now I get why everyone said this is the worst Star Wars. Yeah. The second thing's so bad. Oh my goodness.
Thank you all for listening. Of course, you can find this. If you're watching this on Dropout, thank you so much.
If you are subscribed to Dropout, you can get on Discord as well, which is our messaging channel where you can message Katie, Raker, myself, anything that you liked about the book if you're reading along. And I'll relay information to Molly. Yeah, I've never talked to Molly before. Anything that you liked about the book, any beautiful fan art that you would like to send.
We would love to see that phantom come. Yeah, we all want to see that phantom come.
Is it little tinier ghosts? I don't know. Oh.
If you're watching this on CH2, thank you so much. Comment below. Let us know what you like, what you didn't like, and we'll do our best to keep being better and better people because that's all you really can do.
If you are reading along, which is so exciting and we absolutely love, please, our next one, please read Vikings in Space, book one, a Viking piece? I think I wrote that wrong. Oh, a Viking piece is the longer story. Futuristic sci-fi romance. But the book is called Vikings in Space.
You can find it on Amazon for free, trying to find everything for free. Nobody has to pay anything.
We're going to have some hot Vikings, doing it in space. Hopefully. We hope.
Thank you so much, everyone, for coming. Thank you.
Yeah. Great.
Goodbye.
Hi. I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | why_the_nfl_deserves_this_superbowl_matchup | It's super NFL championship season everyone of course We're legally obligated not to say the actual name of the event We all know is happening like some kind of weird capitalist Voldemort more on that pure evil in a second the big game is upon Us and you know what that means three hours of unabashed consumer worship intermittently disrupted by a mediocre football game So if you're like me and your Dorito commercial didn't make the cut your only real rooting interest is in whether Budweiser finally has the courage To bring those hilarious frogs back, please here's the good news You don't need to care in fact you shouldn't care And I'm here to help solidify your righteous indifference with a comprehensive and totally official cracked soup supper Bowl Preview we could say that right This year's big game is between the defending champions Seattle Seahawks and the perennial contenders the New England Patriots this Sunday will be the first Supper Bowl clash between these two teams But they've collected an impressive nine total appearances between them over the last 13 years sounds like a pretty good game, right? No, it isn't honestly don't say shit like that. If you don't know there's no rivalry between these teams at all sure They've played a couple of times But never memorably a fact that has become painfully obvious as sports pundits spent the last week and a half Discussing whether the Patriots were using slightly deflated balls in their AFC title match instead of previewing the game It is the sports world's who done it according to cracks entirely scientific guesstimations the deflated balls made about I don't know two and a half points. I guess two and a half point difference They basically stole most of a field goal Unfortunately for their opponents and for everyone just waiting for a good reason to hate New England in general the Patriots won by 38 That is several field goals Even the Colts players have pointed out that the floppy balls are an insignificant detail So they cheated and they prospered and they didn't need to do any of it Why because the Patriots are objectively and obviously evil. Let's start with their quarterback Tom Brady He is the NFL equivalent of the American dream drafted in the sixth round He basically started in the Patriot mailroom until he pulled himself up by his cleats traps replaced the starting quarterback 1-3 Championship rings traded in his pregnant actress wife for a supermodel and has spent the last 13 seasons being the definition of a class act Whoa, whoa, he's throwing f-bombs on network TV microphones didn't pick up the audio But you don't need closed captioning to make out the word. He repeatedly shouted Dude, you are down by five points and you've got two minutes. You are gonna be fine plus you married Giselle, bro You are the secondary breadwinner in your household You got a license to chill and not the bullshit Pepsi won from the 90s So everyone's smarter with their finances the psychopath routine has to be against the NFL bylines, right? Isn't there a standard NFL issued off Shucks face for losing quarterbacks? Yeah that one so anyway Brady is crazy Apparently a fact we probably should have realized when he suffered a comprehensive meltdown during an interview about not being an insurance salesman I don't have to be an insurance salesman, you know, and then there's his coach Bill Belichick He's the guy who's wearing the clothes and scowl of your dad five days into your family camping trip Belichick is widely heralded as a football genius and people Fall over themselves talk about how great of a coach he is.
He's a mastermind. He's a strategist Well, you know what?
He's really good at cheating Belichick has a history of cheating accusations from his first ever supper bowl victory in 2002 to as recent as last week Some of the highlights include being accused multiple times of stealing team signals actually being caught filming another team's practices in 2007 for which he was fined a half million dollars, which is the largest NFL history allegedly using illegal plays and formations in this year's playoff game Against the Ravens and deflating balls for however long that's been going on and the best part he doesn't even need to cheat It's almost insulting how little faith he has in the actual talent of his team The Patriots are really good and have been for over a decade. So why Belichick? Why do it because he enjoys thoroughly up your team. That's why he is a sloppy Nazgul on the sidelines hunting down another goddamn ring He is the Vince McMahon of real sports Anyhow remember those deflated balls from all the time now the Seahawks also have them except they got theirs from steroids Good one me since Pete Carroll took over as head coach for the Seahawks in 2010 They've had nine drug related suspensions six for PEDs That is the most in the league by a wide margin in 2013 one of their cornerbacks Brandon Brown Or was suspended for an entire year, which means he was at least a three-time substance abuse offender He eventually left the Seahawks and then just sort of fell off the map because he was pinned down as a steroid user I'm kidding. He starts for the New England Patriots now But fortunately for Pete Carroll the NFL doesn't vacate NFL championship wins You may not remember but Pete Carroll failed his way upward into the NFL after destroying USC's entire football program He had a national championship vacated because he violated NCAA recruitment rules This led to a two-year ban from bowl games Four years of probation and a loss of football related scholarships just as Carol was getting hired by the Seahawks They're running back Reggie Bush had to give back the Heisman trophy to the NCAA where it was presumably melted in front of his parents eyes So the analysts are right an HGH testing is going to be the nuclear winter of the NFL It's probably time for Carol to get promoted a commissioner, right?
It is. That's what this video is about So in summary both of these teams are evil They are the football equivalent of Darth Vader facing Emperor Palpatine except unlike return of the Jedi The audience never gets the satisfaction of watching them both die. Oh Oh Spoilers, I guess but honestly if you haven't seen Star Wars or know anything about this football game You're doing America wrong and you know what this is the championship We all deserve in a year when the NFL's leading stories are domestic abuse child abuse murder trials and drug suspensions Doesn't it seem fitting that the two teams vying for the championship are both cheaters and villains? Isn't this the exact cathartic matchup for this season? So thank you NFL for being narratively consistent Thanks for giving those of us who have no reason to care a justification for our contempt over those who do And if your buddy who loves football starts lording his football knowledge over you at the party this year Just summarize this information to him. That'll go well for you And in the comments if you could list maybe your ten favorite videos from cracked and we'll make a playlist for you |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_saturday_night_sports_interviews_muhammad_ali_snl | Well, once again, it's been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe! And hello again, Everybody! Joe Piscopo Live! Saturday Night Sports. The Big Story, Muhammad Ali. last night, fight, drama, Bahama, Lost. it's been a long road for Ali. I remember when I was a young sportscaster at a small television station when I interviewed a then-young fighter named Cassius Clay. let's take a look. Hello again, Everybody! Joe Piscopo Live! Sports Time!
The Big Story, Clay, Cassius. Mouth, Big, Fight, Listen! What's the story, Cassius? Can't believe Sunless is getting inside the ring with me. getting in with me, Cassius Clay. the man's that's crazy about him. he's too old to fight me. Can't you feel so much now that he's 32 years old? 32, the man's ready for a rocket. share.
I guarantee the world. I'm gonna shock the world, prove the world.
I'm the greatest fighter of all time. Destroy this man. And I'm gonna keep the Heavyweight championship of the world for five years straight. then I'm gonna retire from the boxing game. healthy, happy, rich, and pretty. I'm the greatest fighter of all times. Now, 20 years later, here, now, Muhammad Ali!
What's the story, Muhammad? my life is so admired style, but you pay so cheap, I won't be back for a while. Muhammad, how do you feel after last night's fight? all the time, it's anything. I'm Muhammad. his mouth almost there. he's having hell, man. Muhammad, facts. have you taken one punch? too many? I'm sick and tired of people saying the same old things every time people woke up in the street. do I sound like I took too many punches? If I say I got some sick, I'm tired. I'm old, I got brain damage. I'm the greatest fighter of all time. people saying, watch out for the mold. see now, how can you say that after all I've done for you? after all I've done for you, I made you co-sell. Muhammad, are you going to fight again?
I like his show, I admire style. Oh, Mcdonald had a farm. he already know it, and on his farm.
Well, there you have it. Ali, confused, career. over, brain cells, you. Joe Kiscopo and Saturday Night Sports. Thank you. thank you, Joe. |
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TheBetootaAdvocate | LIVE_Sydney_Book_Launch_Hosted_By_Brooke_Boney | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show recording live here from Budgie Smuggler Studios in downtown Batutah. Now this week's a bit different we're actually going to be playing you a live recording from one of our book launches that took place around the country in December. We did a couple we did Brisbane, Melbourne we did a couple nights at the Opera House so you know a lot of really easy to get to regional locations for our die-hard readers and we actually had a lot of fun. The host of this particular book launch that we're playing today is a lovely unsinkable Brooke Boney from the Today Show. She's been a great friend of the show and the newspaper for many years and she must have done a pretty bloody good job because we sold out with that book. All prints are sold out hoping to get a new batch in soon if you missed out. Mid-March, mid-March we're hoping for that. So if you did miss out this should give you a good insight into what was in the book and of course a bit of fun there with some Q&A at the end with some of the dribblers that came along to the Opera House. So sit back and enjoy the 2019 Batutah Advocate book launch for How Goods Australia. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
Wow, what a beautiful audience this is. Thank you so much for joining us for this conversation tonight about this wonderful book. Can I just say, How Goods Australia? Pretty good, Brooke. My name is Brooke Boney and I'm going to be hosting this wonderful conversation with these two men who I've admired for such a long time. We went, we were cadets together guys, isn't that right? Briefly, briefly, Brooke. Yeah. Tell us, share with the audience a little bit about your careers, guys. Well, we actually met at the Childers' House fire.
You're a young, up-and-coming journalist and of course I was on sabbatical. I took a few tutor advocates at a family-owned company and I'm fourth, arguably fifth generation editor and with that comes a lot of entitlement and we've seen it in media dynasties in this country before but I'd often have to get sent away and that was that particular time that's where I ran into you, Brooke. And I was there to cover it for the London Evening Standard, I think, it was back then.
It was a very big event for central Queensland. It was, yeah. Sad event in the scheme of things. Yeah, absolutely. Now, should we get stuck into it? Tell us a little bit about Batut of the town because you've come a long, bloody way for the show tonight, for this event.
We're based in the south-west corner of Queensland. About two hours from Birdsville and our closest capital city is Adelaide. That doesn't give you a gauge on how far west it is. So we had to get a Rex to Adelaide and then Adelaide's not a big city so we got a QantasLink from there to Sydney and, yeah, we've been loving the place.
Well, that's good because then you do get some of the points as well. Yeah. You see some of the familiar faces, some of your colleagues in the Qantas Lounge. Yeah, yeah. No, we got to see big Georgie there back from Manila. Well, that's a rare sight. Very lucky to run into him. Yeah, I know. What is it? That's one, two, three. I'm in the Virgin Lounge now because I got the boot from the Qantas Lounge because I brought a copy of The Guardian in there. They gave me the flick pretty quickly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I bet.
Said, no more Chairman's Lounge here. Straight out. No Chairman's for you. Absolutely not. Yep.
And we know you're Catholic so you can't come in here. No cattle ticks allowed. They could just absolutely sense it on you.
Tell us a little bit about some of the stories that you've been running this year. It's been a big, bloody year for news, hasn't it? Yes. There's been highs and lows in the news cycle this year, obviously.
A lot of lows. A lot of highs as well.
This is the book, How Good's Australia? We thought we'd kind of ... And it's inclusive of a few stories from the year, particularly the last five years. We thought we'd do a wrap of the decade, given it is 2019, which means next year it's a new decade. So we have summarised the last five years, as we said, a turbulent time in Australian history that we were lucky to get through. But we kind of, unlike a lot of the media out there, are looking at this country in this time with more of a positive view. We feel Australia's adapted pretty well to the 24-hour news cycle.
We feel we're in a very lucky position, where we got to elect ourselves, our own Prime Minister. And he's brought with him an amazing skill set. And he's quite a leader. But not only that, is that he has some of the most amazing minds in this country, in this cabinet. So that's the man we believe. And those men are going to bring us to economic and environmental stability.
Well, of course, we did take the title of the book from the current Prime Minister, believe it or not. A lot of people have asked us, obviously you guys have got the same, the sub-editor that you use at the newspaper is obviously the same one you've used for the book, because you've left the question mark off the title page. But of course, when we ask that question, how good is Australia, it is a rhetorical question. But we hope that you'll be able to answer that once you get to the back of the book, after you buy it for $20, after you wrap it for Scott from marketing, and then you buy a couple for yourself as well.
Now, speaking of Scott Morrison and the election, I think one of the groups of people who I love the most in Betuda are the quiet Australians. Whereabouts in Betuda do they live? Well, the quiet Australians- We've got a map here somewhere, actually.
Yeah, somewhere. It's on a tea tower. We've got a map. There we go. There it is.
Well, as you can see, down to the bottom left-hand corner, there is of course our own evangelical church, the Hillsong Church. But that of course is the Korean branch of Hillsong Church.
Up until kind of the late 90s into the 2000s, that was just a big cow paddock there on the edge of town, which of course was owned by the mayor's wife. And if anyone here is from a medium-sized town, you'll know that the only land that gets developed in that town is land that has a direct link back to the mayor. And of course, that area of Betuda was developed quite heavily, and that cow paddock turned out to be worth a couple, tens of millions of dollars. And now that particular political class of Betuda doesn't need to work.
They're good friends of yours, clients. Yes, the quiet Australians, the jet ski owners.
And you'll notice for a town as big as ours, it's a fair way away from the race club, it's a fair way away from the Betuda Dolphins Oval and the Greek Club, and the mosque of course up there in Betuda Ponds and the housing commission around there. There'd be a couple of bony's up in the housing commission. Yeah, a few bony's up there, I reckon. Yeah, not many overalls though, are there?
No, no mate, no mate, I'm down in Betuda Grove, that's where you'll find my family. I think it's, you call it Wallara down here, that's where my family's from, hence why I didn't even wear a suit, I don't need to impress anyone.
But the Hillsong Church was built as part of the Betuda Heights, and it's a bit of an earner as far as churches go in our town, there's been a lot of money coming through there from Westpac, and it's done pretty well. A lot of beautiful houses too, and not the types that you'll find in Sydney that are going to break after seven years, it's a lot of beautiful three bedroom rented brick McMansions with no aspect and a massive media center, and Sky News on 24 hours a day. And some very cold air conditioning too, it's always a must. Crispy. And cars with a bit of grunt.
No more Commodores though. No more Commodores rolling off. Only WRXs. I noticed that there's no trees on that map.
What's that all about? Well you see, that's an issue that you're having down here now in Sydney.
And up in the caliphate of Queensland under Sir Joe, he had the vision to let us tear all of our trees out. Especially when you live on the fringe of the Simpson Desert. And having less trees around is a good thing. We don't have too many bushfires in Batutah, but we do have the odd one, and we do have one raging right now, don't we? In the Simpson Desert State Forest. Yes, just behind the top of the map, you'll see Batutah Old New Art, our very flashy gallery was built by a local card counter. We call it Bona for short. Behind that, and that's the arty precinct, the old city district, you've got the Batutah Advocate newspaper, you've got Roma Hills, the nightclubs, of course you've got the nightlife strip, and then you've got the big gallery, and behind that is the Simpson Desert State Forest. So I guess in this current climate, if the bushfire does reach town, it'll destroy the arts first, which is fine because we've got plenty of roads.
Now, we were talking a little bit about the housing commission there, and as I mentioned, a lot of bonies. One of the biggest stories to come out of the last couple of years, probably over the last couple of decades, I reckon, was Uncle Tony. He had a similar story to yours, Brooke, he came out of the housing commission, straight to the top. That was an interesting one, and I guess we can touch on it a bit more when we ...
Yeah, he was out of the Avalon mission. Yeah, rough, rough area there. How he ended up in the role was, it's a long story, but when Malcolm Turnbull ousted Tony Abbott, he did it in such a way that this man could never come back from it, and it was with the folded square frame glasses, and Julie Bishop by his side, and I think, and we say it's the equivalent of calling the kid at the bottle shop, Champ. He offered him by saying, just remember he's a person too, which I don't think, I mean, he's never really recovered from that. So he then moved to the back bench where he was throwing peanuts for quite some time, and was eventually joined by Barnaby, and then eventually found an ally in the cabinet in the shape of Peter Dutton, and then when basically the night of the long knives, when they came back to get Malcolm Turnbull, he didn't end up being prime minister, Dutton didn't end up being prime minister, Scott Morrison did, and Scott Morrison could see, and this is the skill he has that Turnbull didn't have, he needed to keep this man occupied.
So he said, what's he good at? He's great with people, and he's great with his people.
Yeah, absolutely. If there's one thing that we know about Tony Abbott, it is that he loves the community as much as they love him. Exactly the same amount. And he's here tonight. Tony. G'day, Tony. If he was here, there'd be a red laser, I reckon. Actually, are you? Turnbull might be here though. This is his people. Yeah. The Opera House audience. Yeah.
But yeah, basically he cited Tony Abbott's experience growing up in a 10-bedroom house in the North Shore of Sydney and spending 30 years in the Liberal Party, put him in good stead to work as an advisor and consultant for remote Indigenous communities. That was how the start of the Ballot of Uncle Tony began.
What was the title that they gave him again? He was the special envoy. Not just the envoy. For Indigenous affairs. He wasn't the normal envoy. He was a very special one.
Yeah. But it involved a very complex journey for him because then he started to realise just how much his brothers on the street were actually suffering, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah, I know.
And at first, the signs of him kind of re-immersing himself in that community, they were kind of a bit subtle at the start. He started supporting - Did you see the bucket hat? Yeah, the bucket hat, the tie. Started supporting the Rabidos. And then, of course, some more nefarious things started to happen. He started to be pulled over for no reason, just as he was driving down the street to other things glancing. Well, he started calling Peter Credlin sis. That was a surprising development.
And she loved that too, didn't she? Yeah.
And then, of course, he was incarcerated quite a lot and went down to the Manly Aboriginal Medical Centre and realised he only has eight more years to live statistically. So he thought he'd go out there and enjoy life. He went to a Rabidos match and then got arrested trying to hail a cab home. And while he was in prison, he read a book by a man named Malcolm X, which really, really changed his view. He became quite political after that, didn't he?
Well, yeah. Radicalised, even. Radicalised. Uncle Tony X was what he became. And he began wearing a bit of a beret and mobilising his community in Manly to march the streets to stop any police brutality that might be happening to his people up there in the Northern Beaches. Yeah. Basically, it all kind of...
It was a great job for him. It kept him occupied until, of course, the racist voters decided to elect Zali Steggall at the election. So he then sacked himself because he was sick of being told what to do by the white man, which was him, I guess, in a way.
It's all in the book. There were a lot of stories this year. Can I get a look at the next slide, please? There we go. Politics. Now, you did talk about the Night of the Long Knives there and about Scott Morrison. Yeah. You didn't talk about Engadine. We'll get to that.
Yeah, the Night of the Long Knives is an interesting one because, basically, Australia was forced to choose between two leaders. And Australia actually wasn't given any option. It was the elected officials in the Liberal Party were forced to choose. And basically, we were looking at two options. We had a former highway cop from Queensland and an aristocratic Queens English-speaking walk-loose boy. And it was a tough decision. We live in a land of extremes and we were thankful, I guess, as a nation to find someone just in the middle, which was the husky evangelical from the Shire.
Yeah. Well, it was kind of ironic because many moons ago, I think, Peter Dutton was tied up with education. And obviously, if you're a teacher, in the past few weeks, we've seen that we have slipped even further down the rankings of the smartest kids in the world. And as it turns out, Peter Dutton was denied the prime ministership simply because he couldn't add numbers together. Yeah. That defines irony to me. Yeah.
He really should have spent a bit more time in an education institution, maybe like the childcare centres. If we would have known someone who could have. Anyway, let's talk a little bit about Shorten because for a while there, everyone thought it was his to lose, didn't they?
Even Bill did. Yeah. Even Bill did.
As you can see in this photo, he's tied up with his mouth gagged by CFMEU and Labour Party power brokers that left him in a room locked for a few months, at least. But yeah, Bradbury Shorten, he began studying videotapes of that iconic gold medal, our first gold medal at the Winter Olympics.
Very good frosted tips, if I do say so. Very good frosted tips.
Yeah, it was his for the taking. Yeah, well, I guess you could say that whole political race was kind of like the race where Stephen Bradbury won the gold in that everyone fell over. And then the person who coasted to victory was the person who was coming first in the first place. Yeah, it was... And like Bradbury, Scott Morrison will tell you that he thought it was going to happen that way. But that's just Stephen Bradbury's story.
Actually, there's an interesting story that came from the day after Scott Morrison won the election, and of course, for the whole election campaign, we had constantly referred to him as the Night Watchman. In the early hours after his election victory, we got an email from the Prime Minister's office and it said, who's the effing Night Watchman now, boys?
I guess that we were just like, fair play, mate. But look, if I can just interject though, because there was one story that threatened to bring the whole thing down for him, wasn't there? It was the story of some McDonald's. Yeah, I mean, there's a story that we've been legally required to no longer talk about. Yeah, we have... Well, look, I wouldn't want to get you into any legal trouble, but you know... Well, look, in the work we do, it's kind of raw and unflinching, and we tell stories a lot of people aren't prepared to tell, and a lot of people's lawyers aren't prepared for them to tell. Yeah, we often haven't got time to really hassle our lawyers before we publish articles. So basically what happened was in 1997 after the Super League Grand Final, the forgotten final between the Broncos and the Cronulla Sharks, Scott Morrison had an accident in Ingedeen Maccas on the way home.
Allegedly.
Like, spilled the sauce or something? Yeah, something like that. The McFlurry, maybe. And that was... Yeah, anyway, we've been sent a big letter, so we probably shouldn't talk about that. I guess I could just fill you all in on what that was. As the editor of a newspaper, the last thing you want to see come into your mailbox is an envelope that's this thick, and it comes from a law firm in Ingedeen. Ironically, or as we thought, this... With ties to the Hillsong Church. This could only mean one thing, and that's that it's true.
No one's going Facebook Live, are they? No, it's a closed room.
Good stuff. Chatham House rules, thank you, guys. All right, there were a lot of stories, though, this year. Let's have a look at the next slide. Well, this, of course, is in reference to the modern-day Gladiators, which I guess, sitting here in the Opera House studio, I imagine a lot of people here are on the Opera House mailing list.
So I also imagine a lot of you people don't watch Rugby League. Well, they'd all be Sydney swan supporters. They look like a crowd who knows what's up. You know, I used to follow Rugby League and I switched to the swanis. Well, the bony's from Musclebrook, big league family, Newcastle Knights pedigree. But, of course, you made a bit of money and now you support the swans, so...
Big money bones.
Yeah, so basically, there's two types of football in this country. In Musclebrook, you probably skipped the middle one. You went from Musclebrook supporting the Knights to... I don't really know anything about union. Well, the main difference between Rugby League and Rugby Union is...
They were both ruined by Kerry Packer. Yes, that's one.
Rugby Union, the fans wear patches on their elbows. And in Rugby League, the fans wear spider web tattoos on their elbows.
So that's the main difference. Obviously, there's other ones like which postcode you were born in. That's obviously a big... That's a big indicator of what sporting code you tend to go for. And, of course, you have a tendency to add the Gs onto the end of your G words. And I guess that's indicative of a Reds or a Waratahs membership. Or, in fact, if you went to one of the four private schools in this country that still play it, you might have grown up supporting Rugby Union.
But Rugby League has risen to the top. And it's become an explosive event. Explosive.
And we've all heard the kind of terminology they use during Origin. Mate versus mate. State versus state. Not since the days of gladiatorial combat have we seen a competition so fierce. It's still like Gus Gould.
Oh my gosh. Yeah, yeah, it's... Yeah, yeah. Gus Gould, he goes and he'll give a 20-minute sermon. And they know the pyrotechnics. It's a bit more WWE, if anything. You know what I mean? That's kind of...
In this country where we have such a celebrity deficit, where we... You know, ever since Leighton and Beck bought that house, it was basically a compound so the cameras couldn't get in. We haven't had any celebrities. Well, yeah, it's gotten to the point that there isn't enough sort of famous people in this country that, you know, the bedtime affairs of the leader of the National Party became front page news.
Married at first sight, they're only around for 18 months. You don't get... They don't stick around in the news cycle.
So I guess as a nation, we've leaned into the Dylan Nappers and the Kaelan Pongas and the Andrew Fafitas of the world. They have explosive, red-hot Instagram presence. Well, they're stars on the field and off the field, aren't they? And the most dangerous thing now with our necklace noble savages is that they've realised they don't need to necessarily play football to make a quid because if you've got about 180K on the gram, you know, you can rep a few t-shirts and... Well, the other thing is you see all these videos of them getting around, you don't even need to see them playing on the field.
I know, we know what they're up to. We know what they're up to. They're going live on Instagram over, you know, a plate of cocaine. They're doing all kinds of stuff.
And last, particularly last year's off season, this year was the first time someone born this millennium played origin. So someone was born 2000. David Fafita for the Marans.
So now we have a generation of kids who've grown up with Instagram and Facebook. So it's even more exciting how little interpersonal skills they have. And it's all over social media and it's everywhere.
And last year's off season was almost schizophrenic, I have to say. And we really, you know, it was a big time for us. It was a big news cycle. It usually goes a bit sleepy around December, January, but not for us.
Oh, well, it's just about to gear up for you then. Yeah, absolutely.
No rest for the wicked, as they say. We just ran a story then about the NRL that actually sent an email right around to all players and coaches and said, this city's so smoky, no one can see you.
Get down to Bondi now, do it, get it out of your system. Squeeze a few out. Squeeze a few benders out.
I don't know, but still, I don't know why they just don't, for the off season, the NRL just hires out an entire apartment block in Melbourne where every NRL player is completely anonymous. Well, they tried that in Bali and they ended up punching blocks off scooters. They'll get recognised, I guess. Well, in Melbourne, they'll probably get punched back.
And you can't pay your way out of that one. No, you can't.
Well, this is where we turn the stories back onto you guys because we're going to fill you in and we'll tell you some of the stories that didn't quite make the deadline for the book because it has been such a busy news time but we also want some of you to ask some questions. So if you've got some, please, you can tweet them. We're also going to place a couple of microphones on either side of the auditorium here. Which is, that's just a red hot decision to make by the operators. Just really consider your choices here, really have a long hard think about it. For the love of God, this is a family show. Have some respect, show some decorum. The last time we did this, there were a couple of sea bombs.
None of that, thank you, none of that. Are there any kids in here? Okay. Alright, very good, responsible parenting. I'll ask if there's anything there.
And we'll be back. Can I get a round of applause for Clancy and Errol, please? Thank you. We all came back, how lovely, thank you.
Now, you guys, The Petuta Advocate is such an incredible publication. One with a long and noble tradition and I want to get to the stories that missed the deadline for the book but just tell this audience about how incredible the legacy is that you've inherited.
Well, Petuta initially started as a customs port in between South Australia and... Sorry for this mob up here, I've been swiveling a bit. Between South Australia, New South Wales and Queensland, it was actually quite a busy town back in the day. They had a police station, they had five pubs and that kind of grew and grew from there. My family have always been out there, they came out with the Opals back during the Opal rush with the French. They came through, French Polynesia, they came through and my family were, they weren't actually French but they did come out at that time and they moved into the French Quarter so culturally they were French in a way.
And we've found Opals recently, again there's been like a second Opal boom but we've decided to keep it to ourselves this time in Petuta just to keep the vagrants out of town. And I think we've done such a good job that the government thinks no one lives there. Yeah, yeah. Because a lot of people like to live, a lot of people who live in Petuta don't have much time for the census or the tax office or the electoral rolls so we try and keep it that way but Opals, if people were to find out about Opals, we'd find a new vein of Opals out there, we'd get a lot more people like that coming out. So we've got to kind of... Forget about Adani, they'd be out there for the Opals. I know, we've got to get a little bit domestically xenophobic I suppose about the type of people that move to...
But my family's been there for generations, I said fourth arguably fifth editor of the Petuta Advocate and yeah it was a job kind of promised to me since birth. You know like all good media professionals I was told from a young age that you'll have this editor position no matter what and so I decided to have a bit of fun with it and I took a bit of time traveling around. I played a bit of professional rugby league for the Petuta Dolphins. My career was looking good, I could have gone to Red Cliff, you know I reckon I could have gone down to St George but I had a disgusting tip and fib compound fracture against the Cunnamulla Rams in 1976. So that was 1976 Grand Final and we lost it on the buzzer and my leg was flapping. So I... Well you never mess with the Cunnamulla fella, that's what they say.
They'll definitely pull a late hit on you and from there I kind of went back and mozied around and then took up the Charleville correspondent for a little while. There was a bustling bureau we had out there at the time and it was one of those times I mentioned earlier my old man sent me away because I was playing up, getting into the Bob Hope. So he sent me over there and I was there for a while and that was where I met Fred Brophy who runs the boxing tents. So I kind of traveled around the country with him for about 10 years, took another sabbatical with them and I was a tent boxer for a time, dancing Clancy they used to call me and that was life, you know what I mean? And it was great fun. I changed companies a few times, went from Fred Brophy to Jimmy Sharman back to Fred Brophy.
Just, you know, there weren't any unions at that day in that day and age.
So basically after spending 10 years on the road getting punched in the head and knocked out and I developed a crippling alcohol addiction. I was prepared at that time in my life to become a political staffer with the National Party and I ran the Joe for PM campaign back in Brisbane and then basically from that point, I had to get out of town quickly. My house was raided as a part of what we now know as the left-wing sensationalist witch hunt was the Fitzgerald inquiry at the time. I had to get out of Brisbane. So I went back to Battuta, got given the editor role, that's about the size of it. Well there you go, he's out of peanut country and he's out of Brisbane, straight out to Battuta.
I don't know how that hasn't got his own Australian story yet but of course it's in the pipe. Richard Fiddler won't answer my calls. I guess my story is a bit different.
Born in Hong Kong to a homely Cathay Pacific stewardess and a Namibian arms dealer. You know, very common union in Hong Kong back in those days. Back before we bit the bullet and stood up to China but that's for a different time, different place. When the spies aren't here.
But anyway, long story short, went to journalism school, got moved over to the South China Sea Daily in Guangzhou, did that. I did the handover, I met a journalist there who said you'd be a good fit in London, went over to London. Started at the bottom, got to the top, got done hacking phones, next door.
It's not funny. Look, I'm working in the desert now, you know. I was on Fleet Street, I had a Jaguar, I was living in Belgravia. Of course anyone who's ever been to London knows that that's, you know, a very up and coming neighbourhood. I landed back in Australia, broke, destitute on my brother's passport after spending some time in the Southern Atlantic Territory, the Falkland Islands, was a lighthouse keeper on West Falkland. Nice spot. That's the rough Falkland.
It's about the size of it, he landed back in Batutah. He landed back in Batutah. It was Anzac Day, landed back in Batutah, looked in the back of the Courier-Mail, the cash job for an editor.
I said, you know, that's got me written all over it. I cut the train up to Charleville, wasn't it? And I met you on Anzac Day in Fred Brophy's boxing tent in 2013. And I guess the rest, as they say, is history. Now here I am, wasting my time in Sydney with you. But you've wasted your time doing so many memorable stories, mate.
One of my absolute favourites that's just not, it didn't get in in time for the book, for the print run, was about Barnaby Joyce, the deputy who never was. You guys know who he is, don't you? Down here in Sydney? Yeah, well, the Povo Barnaby, I guess you're talking about there. Povo Barnaby. Barnaby realised he was a bit skint.
I guess that's what happens when you have a Catholic amount of kids with two wives on such a small salary. He ended up in a tough position. Me too, yeah. We wrote about it. Well, the first story that broke for us was he started having to wear his older cousin's hand-me-down Wu-Tang jumpers and that kind of stuff. He was getting around Tamworth. Of course, he was spotted at the 7-Eleven, just new parliament house, buying a $1 coffee on Afterpay. I guess that's pretty grim.
When you're doing four fortnightly payments of 25 cents, things are... It's difficult because when it gets refused, you get a $5 charge. The coffee ends up being, it's a $20 coffee.
And that's for, you know, that's for... That'd just about do him in. That would, yeah.
I reckon, of course, there was a story of him when he was always the first one at the crack of dawn at the Armidale return and urn, where he'd be going around the bins up there into the New England. He was out the back of the White Bull, getting all the cans out of the other bin, into his own bag and then straight into the return and urn and then obviously back buying the essential cartons of Crown Lager.
Yeah. When you know you're in the money, you're on the Crownies. How many trips do you reckon it takes to Woolies to get one of those rare ooshies? Because that's what he ended up stumbling across. That's bloody lucky, isn't it? That's a good... That's what he descended to, Brooke. He had to sell a very rare ooshie on Facebook Marketplace. It was a blue one, in case any of you guys are ooshie people. Yeah. And the rare chance that ooshie people in the Opera House overlap. If you are.
They look like the sort of crowd who'd collect them for their friends' kids in the country. They look like they're interested in zero-use plastic items. More into the plants that Woolies has now.
Coles.
Yeah, no, that's what he descended to. He was on Facebook a lot with a shared Facebook account, Barnaby and Vicki. And anyone driving to Canberra tomorrow would like a lift. We'll provide music. Lego sheep that I slaughtered myself, because I'm so poppo. But that was basically the yarn we got to with Barnaby Joyce.
Didn't make the book, because that was a new revelation this year. It was a very tough spot that he found himself in, but he wasn't the only man who found himself in a tough position this year. The other one was, of course, Cardinal Pell.
Well, you know, see, this was a bit of an open... Like, everyone knew this was happening in the media, because, of course, when the judgment was first handed down some time ago, there was a bit of an overlap where the media was able to report on it for about seven minutes. And then the judge put a gag on it. Just went, bang.
And anyone who reported anything on Cardinal Pell would have been slapped with a contempt of court. The only way he could have found out is if you knew someone who'd been privy to the court case, or you went to www.washingtonpost.com.
So anyway, we did write a... That's weird that it doesn't have a .au on the end. Isn't it? Oh, gosh.
Well, we did write spate of stories about Cardinal Pell once the court order was lifted. And, of course, the first one that we wrote was a bit R-rated. You know, basically calling him a C-word and enjoying him on his way to prison, which, of course, struck a chord with the people on Facebook. Yeah, the loud Australians had an issue with that. The ones that clap a lot had an issue with that.
And then, of course, Tony Abbott, before his time was done in parliament, obviously really read the room and decided to come out and publicly support Cardinal Pell, despite being convicted and charged. So yeah, the first thing that Tony Abbott did was he went to visit Paul and Hanson to see if she had any neo-Nazi contacts inside prison that might be able to protect Cardinal Pell. As I'm sure everyone's aware, historic rock spiders don't fare too well in jail. So he did that. And from there, things have just kind of gotten worse and worse for the old man. But he's still got a few allies. Tony visited him last week, apparently. Yeah, well, if it wasn't for this annoying court case to come between Cardinal Pell and Tony, he could have a knighthood by now. Absolutely.
And if it wasn't for that intern in our office who had done a couple of subjects, a couple of law subjects at UQ, the patoota advocate might not exist. If we'd chosen to ignore that gag order, that might have been the end of us. There would have been no book, and there would have been a glisten in your eye.
Back to Hong Kong for you, mate. See you later. Well, I've only got my Namibian passport left, so I guess I'd be going back to speaking either German or pidgin. So both of which I'm not that fluent in anymore. But anyway, that wasn't the first time, Clancy, we had an intern come up, to do an internship from UQ, I think it was.
She came up in the winter of 2014 and she said, you guys haven't got a Facebook page for your newspaper. You haven't got an Instagram page either or a Twitter page.
What are you doing? And we went back to her and said, social media is a fad. We are old hands of the industry. We know how to turn a buck in newspapers.
We'll just have to do more with less, love, we'll do more with less. It'll be fine. You'll remain unpaid and if you speak out of school like that again, you'll be back on a bus to Brisbane. It's basically what we said.
And arguably, her decision to take us onto social media really destroyed our lives because we've gone from being largely anonymous newspaper men, as most people who work in newspapers are, to being people launching books at the opera house. You know, it's a real sick life. We did listen to her in the end. We thought, because she stuck to a word, we threatened to sack her because she was being out of line trying to tell us how to do our jobs, how to run a newspaper, you know what I mean?
Yeah, up to that. Like my grandfather ran it that way, you know what I mean? And I knew social media. I mean, yeah, it was interesting. Yeah, it was a trend. I didn't think it was going to take off. But eventually, she just stuck to a word and she was showing us all these funny memes and stuff like that. We hadn't seen anything like that before.
How do you say it? Meme. Memes. Oh. Memes. Meme. That's how they say it in France. Yeah.
So we kind of thought we'd get on board. We got on board and yeah, and we made the decision to listen to a millennial. We haven't necessarily regretted it.
Well, do you know who else spends a lot of time on Facebook and the like? It's anti-vaxxers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you guys have done a couple of spicy stories about anti-vaxxers. Anyone here followed Tay's way? Anyone?
All right, thank Christ. All right.
So basically, that's really the only partisan angle that we take as a newspaper is that we just, you know, we don't like to hear the other side's story that say, you know, if you vaccinate your child is going to become magnetic or whatever the fuck they're on about. Well, yeah, you know, we have a long and esteemed history of being in the pro-vaccination camp. I don't think that's really something that we should be shying away from.
The nurses. Hell yeah.
As the parent of five kids under four, I just have to say that there have been times where I've wondered if vaccinating them was the right decision. There have been times. I put my hand up. I've been weak at times. But, you know, now that they're all on their way to be, you know, fledgling members of society with, you know, at least one DOI, I'm glad that I've vaccinated all those bastards. But yeah, we've written a few about them.
There was one, you know, the vaccination movement, we've got a town not far from Batutah, which is very similar to your Mullumbimby's and your Mossman's, where people don't really describe. It's called Linnum Wunsy. It's a town near us. Oh yeah, that one.
Yeah, there's a big movement there and there's a lot of pseudoscience online and it's actually gone to new levels. We started hearing about, you know, melanomas and myths, sunscreens and myth. We start hearing baby seats. We're actually a conspiracy by Big Pharma to injure your children.
At the start of this year, we were told that we weren't going to get the NBN, that there's too much cloud cover in the Diamantina and the SkyMuster can't get down. So they were like, we'll give you the next best thing, we'll give you this thing called 5G. And they admittedly hated it. They were like, nah, not, not. We are happy with our GSM network, but we still want to watch The Crown every night. 5G's the new vaccinations, I guess, in that part of the world. But, you know, to be honest, we should have never given those people the internet.
Because that's what happens. And that's on David Littleproud, our local member. He has let this hell take over our original community there on the fringe of the Simpson Desert. There's another one, Magnolia was her name. She's a local woman.
Influenza? Magnolia Smithers. Influenza.
And her husband, Banjo Clemente, who's a micro brewer.
And they've actually taken it as far as calling out the Surf Life Savers. They don't believe that they should listen to this archaic, dystopian, Orwellian... What's the other one they love saying?
Draconian red and yellow flags. They don't like the red and yellow flags either.
Darwinian.
They don't like the red and yellow flags and they've been trying to boycott them ever since. It's all tied into that anti-vaxxer movement. Yeah, at their own risk, I guess.
Yeah, a lot of links they're making there, aren't they? Now, speaking of the internet, we have a few questions from the internet before we open it up to you guys. Let's go to our first one. This one is from Gervanche Bartia. Have the Murdochs come knocking yet? What is the figure to sell out, boys?
Well, the Murdochs came to us about the same time that Channel Nine came to Fairfax and they said, Fairfax is worth 300 and you've got more reach than Fairfax. You've got less overheads than Fairfax. You hire less inner city lefties than Fairfax do. You cater for a wider audience than Fairfax does. And as I understand, the Sydney Morning Herald was more or less, you know, they were talking about a Sydney that didn't extend further than the Anzac Bridge.
It gets a bit uncomfortable. And they said to us, we spoke to James and Lachie, and they said, all right boys, what's your price? And we said, oh, 600. And they said, oh, interest rates are low. There's never been a better time to buy. Well, then of course we watched a session and we got really nervous about making that decision.
Yeah, absolutely. Because as an employee, I'm not an equity shareholder like Clancy is. So of course I was the one who was going to get fucked here. You're living deadline to deadline, really. Basically it was up to Clancy and his estranged brother, Clyde.
He lives in Byron. He is living in Byron and he's doing the same thing that every other private school boy who's got a rich dad does when they've got nothing else to do.
And they develop an app. He's on his fourth app at the moment.
So it's basically, it's up to Clancy and Clyde and his old man to really make that decision. So it was about 500 to answer the question. Yeah, it was about that much. So if you are listening, guys. 500,000 that is. That's the price.
The size of a carport. I've always, always hated Foxtel and I don't really like the bias shown towards Queensland. It's a Jewish state of origin.
So I taught him to get fucked. So I'm not interested in the Packers. Anyway, they had come knocking and I said no. And that's why we're flying home on Tiger.
All right, next question. Lisa Jane, has Barnaby tapped into the neighbours Foxtel yet? Speaking of Foxtel, Super Simpson Saturday, what a time. Barnaby living a little more thrifty. Not sure.
Could have easily done. He could have.
You know, it's much easier to tap into Foxtel than it is to tap in Austar. You know, there's only one dish but if there's anyone who can find out how to do that, it's Barnaby Joyce. The best one would be, because I know he's living above a pub now in Armidale, would be to tap into the pub Foxtel. So you get to watch the Mundine matches as well. Well, you just need to borrow the card, don't you? Just put it in the one that you've got at home.
Drill a hole to the wall, run a cable through. People do it.
So the answer to that is yes. Of course he has.
There's your answer. Next question.
Chris, look, there are a lot of boomers in the audience tonight.
Why do you think they keep coming back for more punishment? Because they've never been punished in their life. They've been given one handout after the next. It's a bit of a, it must be a bit of a sadistic thing.
Oh, Vietnam. Yeah, well you're still here, aren't you? Jesus Christ. No, the boomers were probably a bit young for Vietnam, a bit too old for the three wars they sent younger people to. And kind of just old enough to get a free education, just young enough to buy a house for 80 grand in Balmain. Yes, but still old enough to be like, oh no, all of my Ansett points are gone. Yeah. That was their Vietnam. The collapse of Ansett was their Vietnam. So yeah, I guess they like this sensation of feeling uncomfortable and like they're treading water like, you know, a good 80% of the country that live beneath them do. All right, next question.
Domingo at Plunder Monkey One. Is there another Plunder Monkey that you needed to add a one to that, Domingo?
If not now, when can we talk about the role of climate change in the fires ravaging the Diamantina Shire? And what comfort are residents taking in Warner's return to form? It's not a return to form. On that pitch, bloody, even, I'd say that Mr. Bean could have scored fucking 400 on that pitch. It was a section of the highway out there that, you know, just when the Australians decided to declare, crumbled very nicely.
Yeah. You know, so. I mean, but they are taken confident. It's about what you got.
I think it's a bit of a conspiracy, to be honest. Yeah, I mean, ask anyone north of the Tweed that decaying, kind of disintegrating moral fibre was definitely due to a, in the Queensland cricket side, was definitely due to a southern centric selection kind of favoritism for a while there.
And you wouldn't get that with Roy. You know, you wouldn't get that with Johnson.
So, yeah, I guess they're taking comfort in Warner's return to form. It's the closest thing you'll get to a Queenslander in that side. And the Diamantina Shire, as we said, we've cleared all the trees. I think that's a bit of hyperbole in that, you know. There are a couple of bushfires currently raging in the Diamantina Shire, but of course they're raging in the Botanical Gardens.
We've already lost our Boab tree. We've lost a couple of cacti. We've lost our Jacaranda. We've even lost the most northern Moreton Bay fig in the country as well. So it's a travesty.
And of course, Scott Morrison's going to play a big role in getting our community back on its feet. And I think that David Warner, too, has got some big shoes to fill, you know. I think that he needs to score 600 in his next test. Otherwise, the people of the Diamantina Shire are going to collapse in on themselves.
Society, just in general, I think. All right, next question.
Gemma Ferguson, do you have any advice for a recent uni graduate who majored in journalism? How can I make my mark on the industry as well as you have?
By swapping the law now and persecuting us. We could be your spy catcher. Yeah. Oh, you could learn how to pull a beer for a little bit. I guess you're going to make a name for yourself as a whistleblower. That's the quickest way to the top in journalism nowadays.
Other than that, do as much as you can with less and settle for a job that basically every day you feel like you're betraying the values you were raised with. And yeah, basically forget about science. And it's also very important to know that it's a slow build. It's not going to happen overnight. You've got to keep chipping away at the cold face.
You've got to be there when the days are tough, and you've got to be there when the days are good. Obviously, those ones are better than when the days are bad. But it's about being determined in your own mission to get where you want to go and to have this doggone desire to be the last one left when the music stops.
Yeah, musical chairs. That's quite a lot of wisdom in there. You could also be the token anti-feminist female for Sky News. They'll give you a job at 19 for that, if you want to jump on a panel with Andrew Bolt. That's a quick way to the top. Probably get a column out of that or something as well, I reckon. Yeah, with attitudes like that Clancy, Lord knows we know that you've inherited a newspaper. We give them what they want, you know what I mean? Absolutely. All right, next question. Misty McPhail, which I feel like is definitely a made-up name. In the great tradition of Australian media dynasties, which country are you planning to politically lobotomise and take control? It's pretty loaded, Misty. I mean, we do have an answer for you.
We've been building bureaus around the country. You know, Sydney's - we're working on Melbourne. We can't quite crack. Brisbane, Charleville and then Darwin. Broome and pushing the boat out a bit further from there. Norfolk Island, Port Moresby, Istanbul, a couple others.
Buffalo, New York. Lahore. Yeah.
In terms of what countries we're looking to politically lobotomise and take control of, I'd say Victoria. Victoria would be a good name. If there's any people on this earth that need saving, they're Victorians, I swear to Christ.
Yeah, that's an easy bet. Yeah, and we're heading down there for a show. And you know, we're doing that on Saturday.
The interesting thing about Victoria is they're quite European, which is great. They like to think. It's the Paris of the South, isn't it? Yeah, I know. And they like to act like, you know, it's a unique Victorian culture. But really, you know, when Brexit happens and then Wales takes off and Scotland takes off, at the end of the day it'll be Victoria and Windsor and they'll follow the Queen till the end. And we said this last time we were down there on the live tour. It's so European and they kind of like that. And we said, you know, it's Victorian architecture, the sun sets at 9pm and you're all terrified of African teenagers. It's very European city in that sense.
And it's no surprise the tickets haven't been selling well for Saturday night. The Alex Theatre in St Kilda, if you're interested, to follow us around the country.
Alright, next question. This is where we open it up to you guys for a couple of goes. Like I said, no sea bombs. Please don't disrespect us like that.
There's a couple of microphones. There's a microphone over here, there's a microphone over there.
We'll take a couple from... Oh, you are so keen. You are either a journalist from the Daily Mail or... Or you're about to launch a new Apple product. Thank you for coming to my test spot.
With the wonderful things that you're seeing from New South Wales Police at the moment and us cruising rapidly along the democracy tables, how hopeful are you that we're going to see a much higher level of strip searching across all the states of our great land? And are you eagerly looking forward to seeing all news outlets rapidly raided? How far do you hope this all gets?
Well, I won't get to ask because we're in the Simpson desert, I guess, as a protectionist. There's only one cop and it's in Birdsville. But it's important that you all know your rights. Do not talk to the police unless you have a lawyer present.
You don't need... They aren't your mates. Don't let them fucking honeydick you. Don't let them piss in your pocket. They aren't your mates. They're out to get you.
As soon as they walk over, it's cat and mouse. Do or die. Anyway, we look forward to seeing Angus Taylor get the strip searched. Yes, but to answer your question, I would say that yes, I think that we should be reporting more on what the New South Wales cops are doing, but I don't think it's going to spread to other states because at least in other states, they have a sense of decorum, where in this state that fucking God forgot. You know, they let anything happen here. Strip searching, bloody rugby union. The list goes on. Next question. Yeah, next question is a bit heated. G'day.
As the media moguls you are, you have a master following that can collectively bring positive change to our country. How would you like to see your work influence your audience to become better Australians?
We'd like them to really ask questions. I spent like five hours writing that line. Yeah, sorry mate. We'd like, and I wasn't talking about you necessarily, we would like them to ask questions. Question things, you know?
I mean, I think the CSIRO have an agenda, so I think NASA do too. I think, you know, as it was published in the Australian about a week ago, if there really wasn't any carbon emissions, everything would be black, okay? Yeah. They'd be washing up in the water, right? We'd be breathing it in. Yeah. It'd be bushfire smoke everywhere.
We do have an audience that skews quite young, so we like to think that we're given tools to make their own decisions, you know, in terms of the news, where, you know, if you're 25 and you're voting for the Libs, you know, maybe you might need a CAT scan on your head, or if you're bloody 45 years old with a big mortgage and a job that's in mining, you'd have the same CAT scan if you voted for the Greens, you know, because they aren't going to save your job either. But we like to give people the tools to come up with their own conclusions, make their own choices. But yes, in our position, we are able to decide who starts wars and who wins them.
You're right. And I guess that's just our little plaything for now. I don't know. We'll see how we go. Thank you. You're all puppets. It's so funny. Just kidding. Over here.
Next question, please. Just about Israel Folau. Is he another example of why League and Union should never mix? Well, what we were saying earlier, that's a good question. I was also wondering when the money runs out, will he, maybe Brooke knows, will he be coming to Channel 9 and doing a current affair interview for money? Do you know what? I reckon he's more likely to get into politics. That's my heart too. Yeah, the member for the Hills. I don't know.
The thing is with Israel Folau, we were saying before we talked about the Boomers and a lot of them went to the University of Life and the School of Hard Knocks. They tend to agree with what Israel has to say and they tend to agree with his right to say it. But of course Israel went to the School of Head Knocks. This is why he's saying whatever comes from his mind. And he came out the other side clean.
Yeah. That's it. That's a wrap. Sorry. Quick question.
So big fans of yourselves but you guys are also big fans of Aaron Williams. So two-part question. Number one, what's going to happen with Aaron Williams now that potentially going offshore? And second part is do you think Scotty from marketing should start wearing the RMs and maybe that might drum up a bit more business?
Well, just to clear things up, these are Baxter's because these are owned by an Australian family. Yeah. They're made here where, you know, I don't want my money going over to Louis Vuitton. I don't want to pay $600 for boots that are made by some bloke who's barely able to feed himself in Adelaide. Yeah. I don't want to look like some young lib. I reject that question. For as long as I live, I will wear the boots of the person the highest bidder.
Next question. We've got one more over here. Okay. Wendy Scomo, what's up? Oh, it's good. Scott. I'm just about to ask about your friend Scomo then anyway. So there you go. So I want to know what your, what you think about the relationship between Scomo and Hillsong's Houston is and because you're so good on the predictions, when is it going to fucking rain? Well, obviously when we stopped. Or have you asked or you part of the Hillsong and Scomo praying club? Well, Scomo, funnily enough, distanced himself from Hillsong, started, joined a new one, which was a small chapter called Horizon Church in the Shire, which was about three months, pretty well time before the Royal Commission into institutional responses to certain things. So the church, he seems pretty clean, but the relationship still stands with Brian Houston. So I don't know. When's it going to rain? I'd say. When we stop sinning. Yeah. But maybe you need to get Tony involved then.
Well, you know, just as a more realistic answer this back down on earth, as for when it's going to rain, you see that there are a number of external influences thousands of kilometers away, which dictate when it's going to rain on this continent. Of course, the Southern Ocean Oscillation Index is currently turning the wrong way. So most of that rain is ending up in Africa. I'm not finished. And then, of course, there's one in the Indian Ocean too, which is turning the opposite way too. And of course, coupled with El Nino, the three ocean currents dictate when it's going to rain in this country are all working against us. So clearly you're not spending enough time down with Scomo and Canberra then, because it's obviously all about praying.
Yeah. There you go. It's about science. And you know what?
Trump said it's time to drain the swamp. I think we should poison the trough down there in the bubble.
But again, it's science and it's religion and they work together sometimes.
I reckon we'll go one more question and then I want to hear what your predictions are because that was such a beautiful prediction about when it might rain. I'd like to hear what your predictions are for 2020.
Over to you. My question is more for you, Brooke. As a Wiradjuri woman, I was quite surprised when Uncle Tony decided to identify. I wanted to know what your response was. And is he in the same tribe as Jacinta Price? I'm born out of this one, girls. Muy picante. Why are you just throwing the spiciest one to me at the wrong end of the day? You know, I've been up since 3.30 this morning. I think I was just as shocked as anybody else when Uncle Tony decided to start identifying. And like I said to you guys before, I think that Uncle Tony loves mob just as much as mob love Uncle Tony. Correct, correct. Beautiful relationship there. Now, boys, don't waste your claps now because we will come to that in a minute.
What are your predictions for 2020? Because you've been quite successful in predicting the biggest stories, the biggest news stories of the year in the past. What are you thinking in terms of local politics and in terms of stuff abroad?
Well, American election, Trump's got a second term. Yeah, I think Trump's going to get back in and then immediately he's going to have his top cleared like... Don't clap at that. And then clap what you want from President Pence. He could get his top cleared, JFK style, but he'll probably get a second term.
Classic nearsightedness of bloody inner city people. In terms of Australian politics, I'm going to say someone to keep an eye out, a real up-and-comer, Angus Taylor, I reckon he's got...
He probably won't get shot. Yeah, he probably won't get shot.
Good Oxford boy. He's a good Oxford boy. He's got a mate. He'll be an interesting... He'll be a force to be reckoned with.
And in terms of the environment, really, I think that's what is most important here. I think it's... Environment? What? Yeah.
Okay, that's really weird. I can't believe you just said that. I don't know what would give you that indication.
The environment's going to be here, no matter who the Prime Minister is, no matter who the President is, but it's fucked already, so we might as well just burn everything. We've got the right Prime Minister, as you'll find in this book that we stopped talking about, about 45 minutes ago. We've got the right man in the job.
As we said, he's halfway between Dutton. He's halfway between Turnbull.
He's an amazing mind. He's an amazing leader. He's got some amazing brains with him in Cabinet. He's got people like Angus Taylor and that guy from Education and Maurice Payne who replaced Julie Bishop, just some of the smartest public servants we have in this country, and they're going to lead us to economic and environmental stability, and this time next year you'll say, if you're not convinced yet, how good's Australia?
But we should wrap up now because we've gone way over time. I would say with this book, we've been paid in advance. That's what happens with publishers. We get paid in advance, and I don't know if you know much about the publishing game. You don't make much money after that.
There's no royalties. There's nothing. Every dollar we've made.
Unless you're Tim the Ponytail Winton. Yes, unless you're him. But you should. He is a fucking poor standard.
You should support your local book shop. You don't need to support us because we've already been paid. Better read than deads outside. You might have a local book shop down the street. So go there and pick it up for your uncle and your mother. And you're going to be signing some books.
We will be. Somewhere around here. Straight after this.
But not Tim Winton's. Not Tim Winton's.
We'll be signing it on. If you bring Cloud Street anywhere, and you can use Boyz II with either. But thank you for joining us tonight, Sydney, and good luck getting home on those cancelled ferries.
Marajorie woman. I was quite surprised when Uncle Tony decided to identify. I wanted to know what your response was. And is he in the same tribe as Jacinta Price? I'm buying out of this one, girls. Muy, muy picante. Why are you just throwing the spiciest one to me at the wrong end of the day? You know I've been up since 3.30 this morning. I think I was just as shocked as anybody else when Uncle Tony decided to start identifying. And like I said to you guys before, I think that Uncle Tony loves mob just as much as mob love Uncle Tony. Correct, correct. Beautiful relationship there. Now, Boyz, don't waste your claps now, because we will come to that in a minute.
What are your predictions for 2020? Because you've been quite successful in predicting the biggest stories, the biggest news stories of the year in the past. What are you thinking in terms of local politics and in terms of stuff abroad?
Well, American election, Trump's got a second term. Yeah, I think Trump's going to get back in and then immediately he's going to have his top cleared, like, and then, yeah, clap for your one for President Pence. He could get his top cleared, JFK style, but he'll probably get a second term.
Classic near-sightedness of bloody inner-city people. In terms of Australian politics, I'm going to say someone to keep an eye out, a real up-and-comer, Angus Taylor, I reckon he's got...
He probably won't get shot. Yeah, he probably won't get shot.
Good Oxford boy. He's a good Oxford boy. He's got a mate. He'll be an interesting... He'll be a force to be reckoned with.
And in terms of the environment, really, I think that's what is most important here. I think it's... Environment, what?
Okay, that's really weird. I can't believe you just said that. I don't know what would give you that indication.
The environment's going to be here no matter who the Prime Minister is, no matter who the President is, but it's fucked already, so we might as well just burn everything. We've got the right Prime Minister, as you'll find in this book that we stopped talking about about 45 minutes ago.
We've got the right man on the job. As we said, he's halfway between Dutton, he's halfway between Turnbull. He's an amazing mind. He's an amazing leader. He's got some amazing brains with him in Cabinet. He's got people like Angus Taylor and that guy from Education and Maurice Payne who replaced Julie Bishop. Just some of the smartest public servants we have in this country and they're going to lead us to economic and environmental stability and this time next year you'll say, if you're not convinced yet, how good's Australia?
But we should wrap up now because we've gone way over time. I would say, with this book, we've been paid in advance. That's what happens with publishers. We get paid in advance and I don't know if you know much about the publishing game. You don't make much money after that.
There's no royalties. There's nothing. Every dollar we've made.
Unless you're Tim the Ponytail Winton. Yes, unless you're him. But you should. He is a fucking poor standard.
You should support your local bookshop. Another book? You should support your local bookshop. You don't need to support us because we've already been paid. Better read than deads outside. You might have a local bookshop down the street. So go there and pick it up for your uncle and your mother. And you're going to be signing some books.
We will be. Somewhere around here. Straight after this.
But not Tim Winton's. Not Tim Winton's.
If you bring Cloud Street anyway, these boys are going to eat them. Thank you for joining us tonight, Sydney. And good luck getting home on those cancelled ferries. Thank you. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_summer_the_worst_season | Sun's out, guns out. Seriously, the murder rate skyrockets in the summer. A lot of people are gonna die. This sun, the beach, family barbecues, I hate everything about the summer. The only good part is that Pacific Rim is coming out. Yeah, the summer's the worst.
It is so hot outside, the guy across the streets balls are sticking to my leg. Woohoo, yeah, Pat Castle's ready for summer 2013. And I am already sunburned, wow, that was fast. All right bros, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I gotta go call my dermatologist. Here's some summertime math for you. One beer plus the hot sun equals your drunken 30 minutes. Summer rules. Oh god, that's boiling hot. Wait a second, I'm not sure it is summer.
I haven't heard sugar rays fly yet. Anyone that likes winter better than summer is an asshole. And I will fight them. You wanna go, winter boy? Come on, where'd he go? Hide on the couch for four months before it long pants. Basically, you can determine the goodness of any season by whether or not the McRib is out.
And this summer, sucks. Summer's great, it's swimming pool weather, which makes it a lot easier to urinate in public. I love pool parties. You finally get to see all of your friends' bodies. Oh, wow, fill had surgery. Oh, I don't know, is summer the worst?
The beach is not as fun as people make it out to be. Well, that's cause you get made fun of at the beach a lot.
Yeah, I just- You like take off your shirt and you have like a concave chest and you have back knee on your stomach. Thumbic knee? No, no, it's still back knee.
Every part of going to the beach is the worst. First of all, it's all the time that you spend saying that you're gonna go to the beach and then you plan it and there's so many emails back and forth cause you have to have all your friends cause it's really hard to get to the beach and you're not gonna go alone. There's towels, you gotta lay the towel down and there's just sand everywhere and put your wallet in your shoe and it's a flip flop cause it's the beach so you can't put it in there.
You're just not dressed and nobody's got enough of a really good body for that. You like swimming in the ocean? Oh, come on. Summer is the worst if you're a dog locked in a car but it's the best if you like killing dogs. Here's something, I was walking to work today and the pool of sweat that had collected over my butt crack evaporated and then it condensed in the sky and it rained back down onto my pubes and then a tree grew on my penis. It was actually quite beautiful. Summer sucks and if you disagree, you can kiss my moist, jungly ball sack. |
cracked | trying_to_explain_bioshock_infinite_isn_t_worth_it_escort_mission | So which one is it infinite? Bioshock infinite now, so what's like the millionth one the fifth or third or first depending on how you count it reboot wise Uh-huh. So what's the next one gonna be called bioshock still Probs not Oh Did you just broke a police officer's neck with a rotating meat hook that also burns him alive?
Yeah, I'm a hero Uh-huh. I gotta kill all these people who love America too much. So this is a Taliban training game. No I'm saving the psychic girl. See. Oh, hey, she just found change. Is that is that her power? No, that's her thing that gets me killed whenever I try to reload So you can kill more cops attack them with birds and then kill them. Yes because they hate America No, okay, so they're into American exceptionalism, right? So they like super love Ben Franklin and George Washington, but they're also racist. So we're gonna kill them all You want to try?
I Cuz you didn't need enough salt junk salt. Yeah, like coffee Salt is coffee, right or cigarettes. Okay, so I'm gonna look in this lady's purse Okay, and she's got a pineapple and some shotgun shells and I'm gonna eat the pineapple so I can possess a robot Why would anyone carry a whole pineapple and shotgun shells in the purse? Okay now I'm gonna see if I can hook onto that Skyline and use a magic tentacle to pull that kid eating the lollipop off of the floating Cloud City to his death Don't do that cool, I can Man, the future is fucked up 1912 I'm a Pinkerton, although they're starting to bring quantum physics into it so it could also be 1980s in Paris What?
Clean it up I Just wanted to clear some things up for you guys and a lot of you get me confused with Katie Willard Lovely girl beautiful, but we are really nothing alike. I mean sure we both have Brown hair, but that's it. I mean she's got the glove well, we both have glasses but hers are a different shape and Well, we do have the same birthday, but We're nothing alike. Okay, get over it guys. Get over it Just Click subscribe |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Stand_Down_Patton_Oswalt_s_Magical_Black_Man_Ep_1 | I got to this hotel with a huge grand staircase huge lobby I'm checking in I asked the check-in person what where's the comedy club sir laughs a lot and then the guy checked me and said the club's not here yet and what I found out was the club was the the grand staircase going down on underneath that angle they would pile up these exercise mats these giant like floor size like you know gymnastic mats and then put folding chairs inside with a mobile bar a popcorn machine and a microphone on a stand literally illuminated with desk lamps you were performing under the stage like a goblin you were literally like a goblin so I'm doing my first show to a lot of silence and and it's not going great it was really bad but it was just the shittiest I literally did a thing about like the way the butter flavoring tasted on popcorn in movie theaters just like really every it sucks everyone knows who gives like in the middle my act this guy stands up really really well-dressed black guy probably in his early 50s just polite and distinguished and calm he wasn't angry he he stands up and I seem the whole Emily it's this tiny room then he says uh I just want to let you know that I'm leaving now I'm leaving the show I'm not looking for a refund I've sat through half of this show I'm not angry at you I just don't see any humor and what it is that you're doing and you're supposed to be a comedian and you don't seem to be able to make anybody really laugh and I'm wondering if this is what you should be doing with yourself because you seem very nice and you're very young and you have time to go do something else and I hope you find it but I just you haven't made me laugh and I'm very unhappy and then he any Lee and he just quietly walks out so then I go back up to my hotel room this is in the hotel of course and at the time this was like in the early 90s when there were a lot of movies about white people meeting magical black people who guide them you know they helped their golf game or help their whatever there's always a lot of magical black people in movies so I sat on my bed that night thinking was that my magical black person who is being sent to go absolutely do not do don't do this this is the absolutely like what if that was my bagger Vance so it you know there's been time since when I've been booed offstage I've gotten into fights but none of them none of them came close to that just that polite reasonable quiet well-dressed black man who just stood up in the middle my show and made me come like probably for the next year and a half I I didn't go a day without thinking of that guy like oh god I think that's my that's my whoopee Goldberg and ghost that's the one who's guiding me it took until I moved to San Francisco in 92 and after my first show there where it was just did all my a-stuff it all ate it because it was terrible then I watched the most creative we who are now all my friends like go up and I walked across the street to the Taiwan restaurant on Clement Street still there I got a plate of fried rice I took my notebook I had this notebook and I threw it in the trash in the bathroom and then bought a blank one the next day and started all over and it freed me from that guy too because in a way he wasn't wrong and you could almost argue that he was completely nailing it but then it wasn't until that night in San Francisco that it all came together oh I get it it was the most freeing night of my life |
TheOnion | Splintered_Wood_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Would you like to tell us about it?
Yeah, I was dredging the Sandy Patch on the west end of the lake and this board got sucked up. Okay, well, it's hard to make a precise judgment because of the lake absorption factor, but I would say this was part of a dock at one time. Probably Roland's dock.
Let's see, by the way, it's splintered up here. It's probably pine. What's that? Oh, this will give me a splinter. Oh, man, that absolutely stings. Yeah, what'll do that? From now on, if you dredge a board or just a piece of wood, sand it down before you bring it in.
That goes for everybody. Yeah, don't put this on me, Kim.
I'm sorry, you're right. You're right. It was my fault.
You know, splintered wood is dangerous. Well, think for a second, Kim.
If I took the time to sand it down, it wouldn't be freshly dredged, would it? And you always say that union rules prevent you from appraising things that aren't freshly dredged.
Yes. Now, that is right.
This just wasn't safe. Well, so now I've got to sand everything down before I bring it in or else you won't appraise it. And I can't sand something down before I bring it in or you won't appraise it.
Which is it, Kim? Okay. Maybe I was hasty. Okay. So just please settle down. We can work this out.
Well, you upset me and I feel like I'm being accused of something here. I am sorry. I did not mean to accuse you of anything, okay? I was clumsy. I gave myself a splinter and then I got frustrated, okay? It is my fault and I am sorry. Very sorry. Please forgive me.
I don't know. Please. When we come back, a ribald T-shirt really shakes things up.
Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Kevin_Rudd_Melbourne_s_African_Gangs_Local_News_More_October_30 | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Bulletin, you're joined today as usual by Wendell Hussey, reading the news from the corner of the room. How are you Wendell? Oh very well thank you, champion of the bit for this election tomorrow. How about you Errol Parker, editor at large? Everything's going well Clancy, good to see you too Wendell, looking forward to a bit of democracy tomorrow, going to head down to my local church, cast my vote and have a democracy sausage. I love a democracy sausage. I'm going to put it on my social feeds too. What's in the news today Wendell?
Well the biggest story this week Clancy and it is, Kevin Rudd met with ISIS on several occasions and gave them money, reports Murdoch newspapers. Yeah safe to say it's the story of the week, former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has been caught getting involved with ISIS, money, arms, vehicles, the lot. The Murdoch empire has got unconfirmed but conclusive evidence that they can't show anyone revealing that Kevin07 is up to his eyeballs in that whole terrorism thing. It really is incredible you know and it is proof that sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. There's more coming out about him, only in the Murdoch newspapers of course, apparently he was also spotted chowing down on a bat in Wilhan in late 2019 as well as working as a security guard in hotel quarantine in Melbourne a few months back. This all has of course nothing to do with the petition Kevin Rudd has organised calling for a royal commission into the Murdoch family's media influence. It's just coincidental that all these stories came out in the same week that he was making life rather hard for them. And we had a comment on that one from Phu Tran who said Rudd not only gave ISIS money he also created a tax deductible provision for those work-related Hiluxes they've got.
A new twist to Utegate there and in some other news from down there we wrote a story that was phrased a little bit like a rhetorical question and that was, Melbourne's African gangs must have been behaving themselves during all of this hey. That's right the notorious African gangs that have been plaguing the city of Melbourne have been incredibly quiet recently don't you think? Some have suggested that it may be because there isn't a state election that the Liberal Party are about to lose down there in Victoria while others have just pointed out that they've been on their best behaviour to ensure that the city of Melbourne gets through this pandemic. Yes I'm sure that really boils fat Tim's piss down there. And Peter Dutton the noted Melbourne expert did chime in saying that while they have been quiet they are still there urging Melburnians not to get complacent. Always make sure to get a tighter grip of your handbag any time a kid with a basketball walks past you in the shopping centre. There you go some sage advice there and another story from down in Melbourne and that one is, report how fucking good is that first sip going to be, brackets Melbourne edition. Yes the city of Melbourne has been unshackled and the people are out in the world again which is some great news for the residents of our most European city and we say European in the fact that the architecture is very Victorian and of course some of the worst coronavirus outbreaks in Australia. And it's also good for the state's economy too don't remember which was in danger of shrinking below the size of Tasmania's which I guess wouldn't have been good for the national budget. But the question of how good is that first sip going to be was posed by the people of Melbourne and some respondents did their best to answer the incredibly difficult question with many comparing the joy to the birth of their first child or a buzzer beating goal from the pocket to win.
Whatever that means. It must be AFL terminology I'm not sure.
And in some local news now a woman has embarked on her yearly ritual of downloading the Sims expansion pack and playing for five days straight. Yes it's that time of year again everyone. Time for a local woman Jasmine Ferguson to remember that game The Sims still exists. She said, it's become somewhat of a yearly ritual, I usually turn to it when I go through some sort of emotional trauma. This time it was a breakup, who knows what it'll be next year.
But good on Jasmine, it's probably the healthiest form of a bender you can go on. Certainly a lot cheaper and a nice feel good story to wrap up the week.
Bloke who enjoys drinking piss until he can't see or walk says he's pumped for the spring carnival. Here we go Melbourne's out of lockdown, the spring carnival's back on and we're about to see some very very pissed cunts over the next few weeks. This story is about one local man up at Tudor Heights native Damian Mortimer. His name was and it's going to be a big week for him and he is a Jim Beam enthusiast he told our newspaper and he plans to give the Melbourne Cup carnival the tribute it deserves by drinking Jim Beam and coke until he can't walk. Go Off King and Ben Walker gave us a great comment on that story saying, I will never be able to wipe the memory of that time at the races. I saw a drunk couple who had both passed out mid route behind a tent, truly is a sport of kings.
A nice night to finish on that will do us for this week. We'll talk to you again next time. See ya. Hooroo!
Don't eat meat today. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_holiday_train_snl | Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo. I have heard so much about Buffalo. I can hardly wait to get there. Wow! A real Christmas in Buffalo. it's finally happening.
Just like dear old people and Moo Moo used to talk about. They'd be so proud of us. Yeah, minus some of the stuff we've done well, I'm glad I said with you three you seem like a fun group, You know what? We are Fun! Thank you for noticing that.
Where are you heading mister? are you going to Buffalo 2 or Buffalo 3? that's my Buffalo joke that I do. Yeah, no, I'm just heading there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo. Only reason, but it's the best place to see it.
See what? are you messing with us? No, of course I want to wash my hands, my hair and ass with snow that sounds cold. You must really like snow. We don't know sir, we've never seen it. not in person. Anyway, no. go outside to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow. Just kiss, you know, you never just kiss.
Excited for snow. If I close my eyes, I feel like I can almost see it. I want to be to sleep all night in the snow. Are you crazy for snow? I'm excited for snow.
What is Christmas with No? no White Christmas with No. I wash my hair with snow and when I see the snow, okay, so you really never seen snow, where are you From the woods, the woods, there's no there. oh turns, but we always sleep through it. otherwise, we wouldn't survive the winter. No, don't worry about that. that's why we have all these nuts with us.
Oh listen, it's getting late. I'd love to stay up late with you, but like to get some shut I go to sleep. That's all made me sleepy. Hey, but if you fall asleep, we break the spell.
What's bell? Oh, we won't get our Christmas We show brother. Mmm, what wish I was really hoping they make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. but they always fall asleep in hibernate. What are you talking? wake up, it's snowing outside. shush. don't wake them up. Are you insane? they'll kill us. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas Bears. Oh nuts. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_united_airlines_leaky_toilet_kanye_west_compares_himself_to_hitler_snl | It was reported that the man who married a conjoined twin is facing a paternity lawsuit from his ex-wife. Great. the last thing that guy needs is another mouth to feed. a United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. though it's the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. primate expert Jane Goodall celebrated her 90th birthday by gathering together with 90 dogs, then feeding them all to her apes. In a lawsuit against Yae, a former employee claims that Yae compared himself to Hitler minus the gas chambers. and I for one, am shocked to hear that Yae believes in the Holocaust. This week, Live With Kelly and Mark re-ran an episode from 2023 in which host Kelly Ripa begs to go on Diddy's yacht. Even crazier, Snl is airing an episode right now with a guy who was on Diddy's yacht last week. weather experts are forecasting that this year will see the highest number of hurricanes ever, thanks to an abnormally active summer of gay weddings. a stone vial discovered in Iran contained a red cosmetic that experts say was likely used as lipstick nearly 4,000 years ago by an ancient skank. isn't that fascinating, Kyle? I'm learning a lot. a man diagnosed with Schizophrenia has been given a support dog that can help him determine what is real and what is a hallucination. But the craziest part is there's no dog. scientists in Portugal have accidentally created a mouse embryo that has an extra leg where its genitals should be. And, brother, same. yours is the size of a mouse's leg? no, no, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. we already locked it in. |
SaturdayNightLive | brian_fellow_3_saturday_night_live | He loves animals and they love him back. Interspecies, friends, we ain't kiddin' Mac. Brian Fellow, Safari Planet. Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. he is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God's creatures. Share his loves tonight on Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's, Safari Planet. Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow's, Safari Planet. I'm Brian Fellow.
Fashion Week here in New York City. So tonight we're going to meet some animals that people make clothes out of. I'm very excited, so let's get going. our first guest can be made into jackets or a hat. Please welcome a Bunny Rabbit. And who are you?
I'm Kirsten Francis of Peta. Welcome Peta. No, I'm Kirsten. I'm with the People for the ethical treatment of animals. I'm Brian Fellow. Yeah, I know, I know.
So what's going on with this Bunny Rabbit? Well, this is Orpheus. last year, he was liberated from a filthy, understaffed laboratory. laboratory? Is he some kind of rabbit scientist or something? No. he was the subject of a sadistic testing regimen. A rabbit taking a test? that's crazy. You know what's crazy? the way this society treats our companion animals. animal testing and the wearing of fur are both symptomatic of humans' total disregard for animals. it is unethical the way animals are treated. we must accept that fur is murder. and absolutely by.
Yes! Yes, what?
I'm Brian Fellow. I know, Mr. Fellow. Now let's get down to serious business.
How does the Easter Bunny know where everybody's house is? You know what? this is not the Forum I thought it was. I'm leaving. Good. Go. and take that rabbit scientist with you. he's not as smart as he thinks. Sue. sorry. our next guest is made into coats and scarves. Please welcome a mink.
And who are you? I'm Pat Enstis from the Bronx Zoo. And I'm Brian Fellow. Yeah, I know. And I'm Pat Enstis. And I'm Brian Fellow.
Okay, Brian, these are short-haired mink. they are from the Ferret family and were bred to reduce the desirability of furriers. could you tell him to stop winking at me? This white one here. I'm pretty sure he's not winking at you, Brian. yeah, well, he better stop. Now, my producer tell me that minks are sneaky and clever. Is that true? Well, they are extremely intelligent, but sneaky implies a little something different, I think. he's gonna be walking different if he don't stop winking at me. You know what, Brian? this animal doesn't wink. And he's not sneaky either. Well, is he smart? Actually, he is. it has been proven that the mink has a good memory and has adept at problem solving. problem solving? that's funny. I'm not sure if it's funny, but the knowledge that a mink can retain is amazing. that's why I feel as a travesty that these animals must be bred specifically to discourage their slaughter.
I'm good at taking tests, but you aren't, are you, Brian Fellows? Remember what the teacher would say? you're a dummy, Brian Fellows. Hey! what's wrong? that rabbit insulted me. What rabbit? can you teach your mink to kill a rabbit? Are you talking to me still? Brian Fellows. that's all the time we have for today on Brian Fellows Safari Planet. join me next time when we gonna meet animals that can be wallets or shoes. I'm Brian Fellows! |
cracked | baj_and_gunn_the_best_buddy_cop_team_that_never_was | What is badge?
And what is gun?
They don't have jobs in congruous To the types of jobs that you'd expect with names like badge and gun One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, one'll probably fix your shoulder One'll always try to bore you with the stories of the law Badge and gun weren't having fun Cause one's name was badge while the others was gun Names like that you'd say they want Badges that were more than just ID's Badges that would let them solve crime things Instead they just let them in their buildings Hey, it never meant to one They were both having lunch Badgers saved the check of gun And badges checked was got by gun I'm not badge, my name is gun Hey, if you were both cops you could be badge and gun I'm badge Well, I'm gun Hey, if we were both cops we could be badge and gun Call it serendipity or chance Something is calling out to badge And something's calling out to gun Be a copy with each other so you can be referred to As badge and gun Or gun and badge But instead, gun said Fuck off, I would arrest you if I were a cop You're the doctor who let my son die on your table I remember your son Like trains and painted guns I've been ironic since his last name was gun I'm so sorry that he passed By the time I arrived it was out of my hands Where were you?
What do you mean?
Where were you when my son was dying?
Calm down, I'm not God God is dead Well, so is your son Now calm down No, you calm down Excuse me, but the cops will be here soon If I had a gun, I would shoot you Well, too bad it's just your name Badge and gun were never friends We were both dead by the end Maybe we'll meet cops in heaven Unless we both end up in hell Which we do Badge and gun will be right back Never It has been cancelled because the main characters hate each other And are dead My name is Dan I don't like haircuts I don't like physical contact with other people For a while I did this thing where I didn't hug anyone That didn't last very long because I'm very lovable I need glasses |
dropout | where_the_weirdest_internet_links_come_from | But stop reading at the end of the article. Don't scroll any farther. What? Well, what happens if I keep scrolling? Greetings, friends! Oh, I see. You're reading an article on the geopolitics of the Far East. Might I then recommend something else that might tickle your fancy?
No! Well, if you like politics, and I can see that you do, then you're going to absolutely love this ingrown toenail! No!
What the fuck is going on? You know that little box of links at the bottom of internet articles? Yeah? This is the guy who chooses what goes in there. That's right. My name is Mr. Chumbox, Curator of the Curious and Queer, gatekeeper to all matter of marvels and miscreation.
Behold! Ah! A man whose lower jaw has been ripped off! Thank God!
Why are you doing this? Oh, it is but a taste of a fascinating article. Twelve horrible accidents to make you cringe. Number four is particularly gruesome. Interested?
Not at all. I don't even want to see this one. Oh, well, no matter.
I have many more wonders to show you. Like this enchanting story.
The story of Mr. Pimple. Oh, sure, he's ugly on the outside, but isn't it what's inside that counts? That's when Mr. Finger and Mr. Thumb come in.
This frog with the tangles wriggling out of its back. Stop. All this stuff is so upsetting. Yes. What a delightfully freakish feast. And it has nothing to do with anything. What makes you think that in the middle of reading about Korea, I'd want to be surprised with? This man. You'll never guess who this child star is. Just stop showing me these pictures of a person who put their hands into gravel and now there's little divots in their skin? Yes, I have no interest in that. Bodybuilder with veins, like ropes. It's like everything here is designed to tap into some deep, psychologically tender part of yourself. Do you want to see a picture of spiders coming out of something?
What, no. Ooh, what's it coming out of? Is it skin? I don't know, stop. Is it flesh? I don't care. Is it a butthole? I don't know, and I don't want to know.
Is this really a strategy that works? I accounted for 70% of CNN's revenue last year.
What kind of twisted fuck clicks on these things? Actually, can I take a look at that butthole one? |
cracked | is_30_seconds_to_mars_an_actual_cult | Has Jared Leto's band 30 Seconds to Mars created an actual cult? 30 Seconds to Mars is the pop rock band fronted by Jared Leto since 1998, and they've been pushing out music with lyrics that sound like if you asked an AI to write a song about heaven ever since. What you may not know about the band, however, is that their artist and fan-based relationship has slowly morphed into more of a messiah and follower relationship. The band's tagline, Yes This Is a Cult, is seen on the band's social media, but it also appears in their music videos and merchandise. Leto said in 2013 that the tagline started as a joke in response to journalists saying the band had a cult following. Leto explained, If people like 30 Seconds to Mars, they really, really, really like it. We have this cult, this family, these believers. While it may have started as a joke, it seems the band has gotten a little too comfortable in this dynamic with their audience. The fans have been dubbed The Echelon. The strangeness of their affinity for the band is the force behind their motto, Hashtag You Wouldn't Understand. |
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