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cracked | the_gangster_movie_in_home_alone_was_fake | How could any of us forget the fake gangster movie from Home Alone? Keep the change, you filthy animal! If you're watching this and you're like, fake, what? It's fake? Don't worry, you're not alone. And the film crew did a really good job of making it look super convincing. In fact, it took a ton of effort to make this one minute and 20 second movie within a movie. The gangster movie was filmed on the final test day before the Home Alone production officially kicked off. Director of photography Julio Macat has said of the fake film, We had nothing to lose, we went for it. Macat managed to convince director Chris Columbus to film the movie using 1940s filmmaking techniques, giving it a film noir feel, but also leaning toward early television works. The set was built on a soundstage in an old high school gymnasium due to budget constraints, but it was meticulously filled with textures to create the old school film effect, and decorated with such detail that you can even spot a coffee cup slightly out of frame, releasing steam into the air. |
dropout | the_world_s_worst_and_second_worst_surgeons | Ahhh! Gertrude, the pain, it's getting worse!
Take her dear, the doctor will be here directly. You see, there he is. All is well, my darling. Dr. Fitzgerald, at your service.
I came as swiftly as I could. It is pissing outside. Oh, Doctor, there's a sharp pain in my abdomen. I feel like a regular William McKinley. Too soon, Reginald. In any event, it's clear that you're suffering from an inflammation of the appendix.
Oh, stars, this is surely a death sentence. Maybe if this were 1907, but it's 1910. There's a very good chance you'll likely be relatively fine. There is, however, one small catch. As you can see, and I only assume you can see me as I cannot see you, seeing me, I cannot see. I won't bore you with the scientific details, but let's just say I stabbed my own eyes out. Oh, whatever shall we do? This pain will be the death of me. No, no, don't worry. Your life can be placed in the hands of my trusted assistant.
Come in, Dr. Ninerhands! My sister's apologies. I've neglected to mention that Dr. Ninerhands is the world's very first hyper-intelligent, fully trained ape surgeon. A gorilla? Absolutely not! Look, he is taking your pulse just like a normal human doctor would. This is a nightmare. I am appalled and you would even suggest such a crazy idea, Dr. Fitzgerald. Of course, the procedure will be free of charge. Let's not be too hasty, Reginald. Maybe we should give this Mr. Ninerhands a chance. Dr. Ninerhands? This ape is a fully certified physician.
I don't care who certified him, he's still an animal. Oh, his hands, they're so soft. Gentle and just bedside banner, isn't it? Impeccable? Of course it is.
But the biology is remarkably similar to humans. Well, it's not very similar at all. Okay, it's completely different.
But I'm sure you'll be fine. Ape cadavers, now let's not...
Oh, I'm as good as dead. Fear not good, sir, because I anticipated Dr. Ninerhands losing control, despite my high praise of his professionalism. That's why I always travel with a secondary assistant. Thank goodness. Dr. Grizzly Bear.
Thanks for watching. See you next time. |
dropout | collegehumor_s_airhead_moments | I was 12 or 13 or basically too old for something like this to happen in the first place but I was at the Ulster County Fair. There was a hall of mirrors there. Some of the mirrors were sort of like semi-translucent so you could see like you could see the people waiting in line and they could see you and it's fun because you make faces at them and all that sort of thing.
And I see my dad standing outside and he waves at me. It's a very sweet moment.
I wave back at him and then while I'm waving back at him I walked directly into one of the mirrors, shattered my nose, it was extremely embarrassing. Everyone out in the line saw this happen and blood started coming out of my nose. It started pouring out but then I couldn't find my way out because it's a hall of mirrors.
The whole point is you're not supposed to be able to find your way out. It was becoming like a situation. One of the sheriffs in the neighborhood who was there at the carnival had to come in with one of the employees who I guess have this special way to get through.
They escorted me out of the hall of mirrors. I've not been in a hall of mirrors since. I don't know if there's a relation between that or I just generally don't like hall of mirrors.
When I was a teenager I found a lost dog wandering down the street and I thought I'd help it find its home so I looked on its tag, called the number, I said hey I found your dog. You can come pick it up in this address and I chained the dog up in our front yard so that the person could come and find it. Then I totally forgot to leave a note or call my parents or anything and tell them about this weird dog. So I left and just left a strange dog in the front yard. Then my mom comes home, notices there's a weird dog in the front yard, approaches it and the dog growls at her. So she calls animal control and tells them that there's a strange dog in the front yard that they need to come pick up. Then she leaves home to go run an errand and she doesn't tell anyone. So then at some point this person comes back and takes their dog. That means that when my dad comes home there's no dog in the front yard. So naturally he goes in, takes our dog, our family dog and chains it up in the front yard and then goes back inside. This later there's a knock on the door from animal control asking him if this is the dangerous animal that they've been called to come retrieve.
We need more communication in my family.
When I was a kid my family went on vacation to Universal Studios and they had this show that was Star Trek themed. It was like a you're in the show kind of show and people who were visiting the park like me would volunteer to play a part in this Star Trek show.
And that I did that is not the embarrassing part of the story. And they did this thing which is not in the show which should have made me suspicious.
They line me up and I'm a little kid and they explain to everyone when the teleporter goes off you're all going to salute. And we go out and we do the show and you're like in kind of like an amphitheater you know like other idiots who have family in this show are watching. So they call action and we're doing the scene. First guy salutes with his right hand going down the line, right hand, right hand gets to me, special salute with the left hand and then the MC goes uh oh looks like someone needs to go back to Starfleet Academy and the whole crowd laughs at me.
And the worst part is that you pretty much have to buy a VHS of the experience. You're not going to do it and not buy a tape of the experience. So we still have this on tape. |
SaturdayNightLive | whiskers_r_we_with_billie_eilish_snl | Cats. a cat is a gift you have to feed. a cat is a friend who's very mad at you. a cat is a pet that has razors for fingers. a cat is a dog that's a bitch. So come on down to Whiskers. Are we for our holiday? Catacular.
Hi, I'm Barbara Dedureau, and I'm over the moon to introduce my brand-new intern. Hi, I'm Aubrey Hepburn. it's your first day and you're killing it. But I have to ask, do we know each other? you look very familiar.
I don't think so.
Okay, well, many of these cats come from owners who didn't value their unique and, frankly, often bad qualities. So let's meet the usual Sus-pets.
Girl, don't make me rip my stitches. Okay, Jeffrey here is an Abyssinian, as in, I'll be seeing him in hell for destroying my couch. Do you get it? I think so. Okay, now you do one. Okay, this? this is Mrs. Claus. no relation, it's spelled different, but she is sleeping with him. Hello, home wrecking whore. Okay, look, this is Dylan. this little stinker will steal your heart, which tracks since he's a convicted felon. don't worry, he didn't do anything too bad. just perjury. Wow, great minds. we really finish each other off, huh? I think I know what you were trying to say. And by the way, I have to mention, your outfit is fire. yours too, I was gonna ask where you got that shirt. oh, I think at a hospital.
Okay, get out of the cabin. this is Cindy Clofford. she looks so good, you'd never guess she's 54. And that trademark mole on her face? it's actually a deer tick.
Okay, you're left. this is Cat Snajak. he loves to watch a spinning wheel, and he also doesn't believe in climate change. Wheel of Fortune is my favorite show. what? me too.
Wait, how old are you again? I'm 21, but I feel 40. Wow, I'm 52, but I feel 89. we're so in sync, this is freaking me out.
Mariska Harga Time! Oh, speaking of, we call this cat Mariska Harga time. she's on claw and order, and she always catches the perp.
Sorry if I seem a little out of it. I think you're my daughter. I'm thinking the same thing. wait, where are you from? Tampa. Oh, I've never been there except to donate all my eggs. all that world-rocking thought?
Hello, this is Pharrell Williams. it's almost too clever. And we call this cat Oppenheimer. because when he, when he runs away from his litter box, you know he dropped the biggest bomb of all time.
Who was a British short hair who has deformed herself beyond recognition with plastic surgery? We beg her to stop, but she won't until she looks exactly like Sydney Sweeney.
Ok, girls, so wait. if you're my daughter, does that mean you're coming to live with me? Well, I'm in my 20s, so no. So yes, probably for real.
Ok, love that. All right, now, this is Sally, but you won't find her under your Christmas tree. she hates religious holidays because she's a militant atheist. that must be why she left a tiny poo behind all the doors of my Advent calendar. good one, mom. Oh, wow. this is the merriest Christmas ever. I should get you a present. I got you a cat. I got you the same thing. Yay. So come on down to Whiskers. Are we holiday catacular. when Santa's not looking, fill his bag with cats. at Whiskers are we! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_coldstone_creamery_gamecreamery | Hi, I'm Jeff Rubin, and you're watching BLEEP Scoop. I'm here this week with Jon Gabris, Pat Castle's Dan Klein, and we are playing Cold Stone Creamery Scoop It Up.
If it was a game about dog shit, it could have the same song. I hope when we restart for the game, it's like, there's been a brutal murder and a cold sun, and there's just like an eviscerated woman lying on the table.
The Wii remotes are your hands. You have to use both of your hands to make a Cold Stone pre-dashation. Cold Stone Creations. You can pick up a Cold Stone creation with Wii Remote 2, move the left hand over the desire container, and then press the A button to take it and hold it.
We're going to have to watch a video on, like, sexual harassment every now and then after. Excuse me. We won't be employees. What's great about Cold Stone is that they pay you for training, so we're going to get eight bucks for the spin.
But as you get better, you'll be able to expand your selection with different types of ice cream. A customer comes out, can I have a pistachio? You're like, I'm not authorized to pistachio. Use the Wii remotes to move both hands closer to each other, then twist Wii Remote 1 with a quick motion to put the scoop ice cream in the container. It's harder to do this than it is to, like, actually make ice cream.
Yes. And that's, like, the thing about video games. It's supposed to be easier. Like, when you play Streets of Rage, you can walk around and beat the shit out of people, because you can't do it in real life. Yeah. This game is clearly meant for a very young demographic, younger than would want to read this much. This is the death page of instructions. Yeah.
This is all just to show you that, like, the employees have a really hard job there, so it's like, don't be an asshole to them. Giving sweets to snacks to customers gives you more time to prepare their order. I can't believe there's more instructions. At this point, there's not even drawings anymore. It's just text. It's ice cream invented by the Romans. It hurts me to be seen. I hope they don't make us sing when someone tips us. So, boss, I hired the two floating gloves to work here. That is the saddest thing in the world. A little old lady, and all she wants is a scoop. That's pretty nice.
That's all she really wants? That's all that's worth her mind?
Yo, Michael J. Fox, figure this shit out. Look at how it flips out when you try to scoop something in. You bet. I'm making these, like, tiny motions with my hand. Could you imagine actually seeing this guy at Colton, like, just going nuts every day? It's like, why don't you just move your hands a little closer together?
More instructions. Intermission is just more reading. Oh, good. I was starting to have fun. That's pretty much how it's done. Okay, here we go. Let's upgrade the shop, dude. Let's add machine gun darts. Loading text. Printing book.
There were 12 pages of instructions, and somehow none of them prepared us for this screen. I had no idea what to do here. I can't believe we've gotten to a point that we're confused by the cold silk reamer. We spent about an hour shitting on this. An hour like, how the fuck do you play this? 1,500 gold for a cup? Holy shit.
We're going to buy a plus four broadsword right now. You have 165 gold. You have to sell 1,300 more gold worth of cones before you can even get bowls. Can you buy anything for 165 gold pieces?
I know, I'm like a kid. I'm like, what can I get for this many? Yeah. The finger trap. Yeah. I'm always like...
Spider ring. You get the finger trap? Yeah, spider ring.
Are 40 of those plastic flippin' frags for you? I want to see a group of like teenage kids like, it's the backward hand freak from the cold silk reamer. All right, I do. Go inside. Ordered ice cream and run out. This town has only little old ladies and little girls. I was like, I'm a pervert. I'm just like gently fingering the chocolate. Is this what you want a little girl?
The Nintendo McDonald's game was a platformer where you go through McDonald land. You're not working at the McDonald's.
This game is nothing like an actual Cold Stone. They don't use the Cold Stone to make the ice cream, which is the fucking nomenclature that comes from that. We put ice cream on Cold Stone, put the toppings on it and beat it to death. And when you get tipped, you have to sing. Those are two things that are unique to Cold Stone. They don't even do scoops. Yeah. And it's like, what do they do here? They take away everything that makes Cold Stone Cold Stone.
It's like, this game should just be called Johnny's Ice Cream Shop. TM. Johnny's Ice Cream Shop and Instructions. Or Johnny's Ice Cream Shop and Directions. We call it instructions.
We like to be bidding games in between. This game only costs $25, but still less than half as fun as a regular video game, so still not a great value. I'd rather just buy ice cream and have that. Imagine how much ice cream we could have bought for $25. And not have to have made it ourselves. I'll say this, after playing this game, I could really use some ice cream.
Oh! Oh my god! Oh! God damn it! |
cracked | the_4_martial_arts_movies_we_can_t_live_without_cracked_staff_picks_movie_debate | I got high and watched the raids and to this day is the last time I intentionally got high. These movies were so viscerally intense to me that I was like it ended by like I'm high for all of my 20s. This is not a chill movie. This is just a show about what I'm scared of when I'm high.
Welcome back to Staff Picks, the show where we are curating the best possible video store to be. I am once again joined by people who are technically not guests anymore, Jordane Searls and Jordan Olds and then as always my permanent co-host Patrick Willems. We are once again filming inside Film Noir Cinema which is a combination of video rental store and a theater. This week I am excited because we are talking about films that celebrate the art of kicking ass.
Punch punch. I am bad at punching. Punch punch kick.
That's right we are talking about our favorite martial arts films. Now we covered Jackie Chan so this one is going to focus on martial arts films that do not have the goat. All right Patrick what'd you bring for us? Okay so for my martial arts pick I kind of cheated a little bit. What I brought is partly a martial arts movie but it probably would not be the first genre people would put it in. I brought the Stephen Chow martial arts sports comedy Shaolin soccer.
Shut your face.
Which is a movie I have loved for a very long time. The quick pitch for this movie is it's about a group of Shaolin kung fu masters who were all like kind of brothers not not biological brothers but they you know they became brothers through like training under their master. Yes. And then a former soccer star who was fallen from glory discovers that these guys have amazing kung fu abilities and realizes wait a second they could form a soccer team and then they play soccer and become the greatest team in the world and they go up against really the most evil team since team Iceland in D2 the mighty ducks a team called team evil who are evil and uh it is obviously this is the movie that Stephen Chow would uh star in and direct before he made kung fu hustle that was his follow-up to this this movie is a hysterically funny comedy it is a deeply silly movie but it is also maybe the most like visually jaw-dropping comedy I've ever seen because the soccer scenes in this movie are shot basically like the greatest kung fu fights you've ever seen they'll be shot in these really long wide takes where the players will be flying on wires and the only thing that is CGI is the ball and it's like actually like astonishing to look at to wrap up my pitch for the movie shell and soccer is a movie where uh a character kicks the soccer ball so hard that it catches on fire and then while on fire it turns into a tiger and then blows away the entire goal uh and just makes a crater on the field shell and soccer is so good that when people started talking about like oh there's like anime that focuses on sports there's hockey enemies like yes slam dunk slam dunk yes this was the one that made me be like oh I gotta go check those out because I was like I don't care about real sports I only like the ones where everything is made up and nothing's real shell and soccer is so funny it's so funny and some of them are sexy the goalie on this team they found a guy looks like a clone of Bruce Lee and there's the joke where he's the goalie and he's dressed in the Bruce Lee game of death jumpsuit can we maybe do an episode that's just about people who wear the game of death jumpsuit someday oh that's a great idea like it's a lot it's true uh there are a lot the last thing I want to say about shell and soccer a movie that I love so much is that again this is a show about physical media and right here I am holding the imported Chinese blu-ray of this that I bought on eBay because this tragically was released in the US by Miramax Films who cut about 25 minutes out of the movie and put a really bad dub on it and so if you try to watch it most places you're gonna get the butchered western release wait I think that's the one I saw well Danielle good news for you there's like 25 minutes you haven't seen of shall and soccer I want to say those 25 minutes yeah anyway I know this is not a traditional martial arts movie but it is my pick oh no that's a fantastic that sounds really cool it's great Jordan I believe you're next I believe so and I picked a movie that literally barely exists like the footage itself is barely there this movie is called master of the flying guillotine and it is held together with chewing gum and alleged mafia money like this this thing is probably the most influential martial arts movie that isn't enter the dragon yeah this movie has invaded all types of media like not just like did it influence so many other movies it also also the Wu-Tang Clan like this in the song Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with the first martial arts reference is the flying guillotine this movie do you want to say that for us do you want to do that you want to do it the fatal flying guillotine chops off your fucking head the RZA and the song I think that this is the best example of what the genre has to offer like it's got a tournament which inspired street fighter Mortal Kombat shallon soccer shallon soccer probably also you can see pieces of this like obviously kill bill like the villain is pi may from kill bill also this is technically a sequel to the one-armed boxer and also a movie by the sha brothers called the flying guillotine and it was originally called the one-armed boxer versus the flying guillotine but you don't need any of that because this movie can just exist on its own this is a movie that I I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't seen just because when I started like first getting into like martial arts movies in middle school or whatever whenever I'd like read anything about them this is always just cited as like wuja that's kind of like the the one that looms over all the others is like the one that kind of like just defined so well when you say wuja what did what does that mean that is the kind of the type of martial arts movie that's best known for like when people are flying around like a like a crouching tiger hidden dragon or something like that this created like this new type of yeah they even talk about it in like they said this is the only martial arts movie where it's like you can fly because of a breathing technique another key piece of this is the flying guillotine itself is such an iconic martial arts weapon they like made it up it makes no sense but in the context of this movie it is a hat that is attached to a chain that has a little buzzsaw that cuts your head off and he yanks like it's essentially like a fishing line that's so cool but they make it look like it is the fastest like most devastating thing even though it's really just a guy throwing like a yamaka danielle don't mention mortal combat challenge keep going my biggest selling point for this is they have tried they've tried so hard to create like a blu-ray of this they can't do it because the original like film is so fucked they tried to restore it as film at alamo draft house they have a the staten island one is apparently like dedicated to master of the flying guillotine and it kind of didn't work this movie exists half dubs and subs because they're just stitching whatever kind of exists together you will see films so deteriorated in some shots of this movie that it is it it straight up looks like you're wearing sunglasses inside it's crazy another reason why this movie is hard to repress or restore is because the soundtrack is super illegal they got no permission to use any of most of the music in here which is all just like tangerine dream and craft work side projects the main theme of the movie is a song from a craft work side project called new and it's like a fast synth punk song that same band slowed down their own song and put it on that album as well and then that's also like the villains theme song it's bananas this movie was built by alleged crime and is full of alleged crime jordane what you got for us give me that hot pick okay so my pick is the heroic trio oh my god this movie rules oh my god all right well you just popped everyone i've been trying to figure out a way to describe this movie and just three hot women fighting each other one of them is stealing babies why are they stealing babies i don't know but it's it's shot in a way where it kind of looks like it kind of reminds me of like a batman forever yeah it looks like joel schumacher batman oh my gosh it looks like batman forever this is early 90s right and it's like this this this michelle yo my wife maggie chan my wife and and anita yes she's come up so much already and i just i i just i mean i love beautiful women so that's part of why is the scene at the beginning when is is it maggie chung who who rolls up to like a crime scene like sits on a barrel and like like lights the barrel and it just rockets her into the air through away and she's like smoking a cigar it's like the punisher in this movie and it rocks yeah it's it's so cool and also like johnny towe made this like really early in his career before he was doing like hard-boiled crime movies yep well this is kind of a hard but i mean baby stealing is yeah arguably the hardest boiled yeah just all the babies when they're throwing the the things to like there's like a scene where in early on where they're the babies you save the babies the babies are falling and they're just like throwing these like spikes to like hold the babies on the side of buildings dude this is also one of those ones where you see like the ripples of this through a lot of movies this yeah the joel schumacher ripped off everything for his batman movies from this thank god because i love those movies have you never seen this no oh my god you will love this this is your new favorite movie this is one of the most demented fucking movies i've ever seen in my life uh it sounds like it i want it so incredible she's so good yeah an incredible movie it's so funny that to me that this is picked for a martial arts movie it's so funny oh it's a great martial arts movie it it's it's to me it's like it's like it's saying like the dark knight is a foodie movie because you can see if portillo's in one of the imac shots okay but beef sandwich beef listen i love it i do i'd be getting hungry in case anyone was wondering the austin chronicle does say high-kicking martial arts so i think that they got my ass i guess i love this movie incredible pet it's time for danielle radford to once again be the most basic of bitches the red i mean that's not a basic face it just it's so good look it this is essentially i've actually seen that one yeah yeah it just it's basically uh die hard if you are trying to save not a princess in a castle but trying to go from like one level to another level to another level it is wall-to-wall action but we know john wick if there was not for the raid true true also this is such a dumb thing there's this movie called the princess starring joey king oh yeah basically yeah which is basically the raid but if it was a princess trying to escape right well it was kind of like how dread is what basically judge shred in the raid yes it's like a new type of movie it's also i'm just gonna say i i would say the raid is the best martial arts movie directed by a welshman yeah is it the only martial arts i will say i do i do really like the raid too also no it this was a real struggle because both of those are like really good but i figured someone else would pick the raid too because most people pick the raid too over raid i mean it does have baseball batman and hammer girl the thing is the raid too is also like kind of a crime saga as well it's like very long and the raid is so pure and simple it is really just like you're gonna watch a bunch of people kick a lot of ass they have to fight their way up to the top jordan how did you find this movie oh an ex-boyfriend this is ex-boyfriend energy he was yeah he was just like we gotta see the raid and we gotta see the raid too so we just like got really high and we watched them yeah dude i got high and watched the raids and that was the that to this day is the last time i intentionally got high it and this movie was so these movies were so viscerally intense to me that i was like it ended by like this is i'm high for all of my 20. this is not a chill movie wait did anyone else see this like in theaters when it came out no i saw this later okay because this i remember vividly like amc lincoln square like opening weekend it was like it was it felt like one of those moments where the whole audience was just like oh we've never seen anything like this before like it was like people are basically screaming by the end of the movie because it is so intense yeah there's not a moment to breathe growing up i used to watch a bunch of like uh you know the buffies the zenas the stuff and i would be like i just want the parts where they're talking i don't like the action stuff and this is one of those ones where i'm like oh it turns out if you have really awesome fight choreography and a lot of just bonkers shit hitting you in the face you can watch this yeah to be clear i stopped smoking weed i didn't stop watching the movie then right the scene in the raid 2 where he's in jail in the bathroom this is just a show about what i'm scared of when i'm high okay we got the 70s we got the 90s we got the 2000s or the aughts and then the 2010s over here we have different eras of martial arts movies this is really hard because with master of the flying guillotine again preserving stuff that might not be preserved if we don't do it in our video store is something that i do wait when i talk about movies but also like i like the raid that's gonna be everywhere shaolin soccer is gonna be everywhere heroic trio heroic trio is on criterion which is how i have seen it yeah um it is also the one that i would say the least amount of people have actually heard of right and how did you find the heroic trio oh well i'm i got really into michelle eo and i wanted to see some films when she was younger so i just so yeah so i just i was an extremely bisexual quest this is one of the most bisexual ass movies i've ever seen i want to write that video game now bisexual quest and i wanted to star michelle yo because also i remember finding this movie and going like that makes so much sense that they made like a cool martial arts movie with all three of these ladies who are separately iconic for being in the genre and then this is what the movie is that's so good no this is way less this is less of a martial arts movie than this is i to be very clear it is marshall this does not actually have a straight-up fight scene in it that's fair get that it doesn't people and see this is where people i use shaolin kung fu to park cars i want to watch this movie but you have definitely argued yourself uh into the dirt i'm i'm not arguing for the movie i'm like i'm really torn between these two between flying guillotine and heroic i do i because with the criterion that means that that is preserved somewhere i think i'm gonna go with master of the flying guillotine here's the question are you now gonna argue against your movie well yes this is more of a hypothetical like since we've all seen it if someone recommended the heroic trio to you and it's like a setup of like you should watch this martial arts movie and then you saw that like how would you well i mean that's kind of how i i saw it i i went to see it a year ago i hadn't i was aware of it but all i really knew was martial arts movie these three actresses uh went to see it was came out being like what a great time that ruled i was not like there weren't as many punches in that as i expected knowing it was a martial arts movie i i got that right there were fight scenes then i think maybe because we already have drunken master which is a movie that has a lot of martial arts that is sort that is from a time period that this movie also takes place like the heroic trio has a fucking flying guillotine and the heads get like heads are pulled up they use it a lot i i mean i will say i have no qualms about putting heroic trio on staff pick shelf this is a hell of a movie 100 i say go with heroic trio let's do it that's what we're doing we we decided and media circus says it has exciting action sequences okay we have reached a consensus jordane's pick the heroic trio is our martial arts selection so glad i've seen like five martial arts you picked a good one and so that does it for this episode of this is going on the staff picks wall thank you so much for watching and we'll see you next time i will say to the heroic trio's credit there is a flying guillotine in it that's true the what's that guy's name the the little the little man that eats his own fingers or whatever oh my god i don't remember right that guy so there's like a what a movie there's like a reader who pulls a power ranger bad guy yeah there is who turns into a goop skeleton and attaches to michelio for the end of the movie this movie is to be honest the i want to i want to pick the heroic trio but i also i feel the only knock i would have against it is that if someone goes into it going like oh it's a martial arts movie and then they watch dead alive with kicking is if it was just the karate i mean basically this yeah that's that's a good analogy this is to martial arts movies what dead live is to horror movies |
TheOnion | perfect_one_pot_six_pan_10_wok_25_baking_sheet_dinner | I just love those weeknights when my busy family can still have dinner together. Here's a simple recipe that's hearty and delicious. And best of all, it can be made in just one pot, six pans, ten woks, and 25 baking sheets. Now the beauty of this recipe is all you need to get started is an eight quart pot.
First, we're going to sweat some garlic, onions, and spices in extra virgin olive oil for about 15 minutes while checking on the roasted potatoes. Your first round of roasted potatoes should be done so they can cool while you pop in the broccoli and summer squash and start dicing the green onions. Set aside half of the green onions for garnish, along with the parsley, radishes, sage, lemon zest, and leeks. Don't forget to add garlic and ginger to the cod in one wok about halfway through sweating your veggies, and chilies and fresh ground black pepper to the beef in your second wok right after.
You don't want your ginger or beef to overcook, so it's important to have two timers going. Just don't forget which one is which. I love to throw all the ingredients in all the pans, pots, woks, and baking sheets and not have to think about them. What's great about this recipe is the potatoes, pasta, broccoli, dried chili, beef, parsnips, beef, and all 12 sauces can cook at the same time. It helps to have a second and third oven, but you can get by with just one if you've got several hours to spare before dinner time.
Now it's time to throw everything in with the veggies. Let's start with that 24-hour chicken marinade. In you go. Now pull the yellow onions off the grill. That char flavor is key. Pick some fresh basil from the garden for garnish. Torch the carrots to bring out their sweetness. And take the meatballs off right when the salmon is done. And just add everything to your big pot, and we're done. Where are my ladles? A simple recipe for a delicious weeknight meal with your family. |
cracked | 1_18_08_news_on_cracked_week_in_douchebaggery_on_a_budget | It's Friday, January 18th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and that's a Blumkin' Go! We're once again broadcasting from this world-class holiday inn. I have a plane to catch, so let's get down to business. Oh, and before I forget, my one-year-old Anya likes when I do this part. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Let's do it. A British Airways jet ripped its wing during a desperate landing attempt at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday. Frankly, I've been known to rip one myself before making a desperate landing, and that's why the holiday inn needs such a good cleaning staff. On that classy note, let's do what we do on Fridays. It's the week in Douchebaggery! It's a shorter list this time, because I really need to get to LAX.
Douchebag number three, The Nation of Lebanon. Four university students in Lebanon were jailed for a week after making snarky remarks on Facebook about the singing talents of a woman they met at a party. The men were charged, this is true, with slander and violating public morality after the young woman's father objected to their comments. In related news, Lindsay Lohan is a no-talent co-core. Ain't America grand? Douchebag number two, me, that I have made it any more obvious that I was reading off my screen for the last douchebag entry. No, no, I couldn't have.
And finally, Douchebag number one, Will Ferrell. Will released a funny video on the internet yesterday, and of course he's a hilarious and very talented guy. But you know whose video was beating Will Ferrell's video on dig all day yesterday? If you guessed crack.com's internet party, you're right. Our video ended up with what? 7,200 digs of press time, while Will Ferrell only has millions and millions and millions of dollars.
That's it for today's edition of the News on Crack. I'm going to go hop on a plane, check back Monday to see if my luggage made it. P.S. This episode was written by me and Dale Dobson. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_214_Tom_Tilley | What's going on, Errol? You're enjoying this run we've had of not interviewing anyone involved in federal politics?
Yeah, but one thing that's really been bugging me as of late is that I can't really get too much work done because of my commitments to the SCS, you know, with these big floods coming down the Diamantina. You know, it's really is a perfect storm as they say, you know, what's happening on world markets these days, you know, what's happening with the cost of living crisis down here in Petuta. We are kind of at the confluence of three big mighty rivers, the Diamantina, the Georgina and of course, Cooper Creek and they're all in major flood at the moment.
So I guess I've been quite busy doing that out on the tinny, but I'm just glad the farm is a happy time. It's so good to see them smiling again, isn't it?
I know, I know, it's been a tough couple of years, especially on the border there, getting across the border. It's been tough.
I believe if you were working in agriculture in that Moree kind of area, you'd have to have dogs on the tray. That was the only way the police would let you through because they knew no one would be going camping with a tray full of dogs.
Well, I'm just glad that for the first time since 2010, we're going to be growing rice in the Diamantina again, which I guess is, it has been a long time coming, but we do have a lot more water now that most of it isn't being, you know, put into bottles and taken over to the Cayman Islands. And you know, it brings us to an interesting conversation we need to have in Australia with the changing climate and you know, the, of course, the post pandemic tree change. A lot of different industries popping up either by chance or, you know, by communities having to change what they're doing. One community that comes to mind that was ahead of the trend on this is Mudgee, New South Wales.
Once known as a, I guess, a bit of a hidden kind of graziest paradise, it then became the wine region, the first kind of, you know, Sydney Weekender, if you were into wine and cheese. And then, of course, it kind of, the wine started getting a bit overshadowed by the mines. A similar thing happened in the Hunter Valley, you know, you don't really hear about Hunter Valley wines as much anymore because there's usually a little bit of coal dust.
You can kind of taste that in the aftertaste. Yeah. But if you get down to the Woolpack Hotel in Mudgee, it becomes very obvious where the money's flowing in from. And the high vis starts to outnumber the puffer jackets and the place really changes. Certainly and the demand for, you know, usual pub staples gives way to what those people want, and that is high quality, but also Australian Chinese food. Well, Bundy and Coke on tap is a real joy when you head into those communities. The draft, the Bundy drafts. Really fresh and particularly sugary. It's like there's a pipeline straight from the Bundaberg sugar cane.
And you drink it all night. So you, you know, of an evening, a celebration, 21st, wedding, grand final win. You'll drink 12 of them. 12 schooners of draft rum and Coke.
When was, can you imagine how you'd be feeling if you'd sat down and 12 cans of Coke? Like it would, well, like until I, uh, I moved back to Australia and really started to get on the Bundaberg and Coke off the tap. The only other feeling I can really describe it as is when I was five years old and I put a paperclip in the PowerPoint, that's, that's how you do feel the next day. And it absolutely rocked my world. And that's what it did to me for the 12 to 24 hours after I'd stopped consuming the hard palpitations, everything.
It helps you fight as well. The red wine in mudgy, the mudgy mud, not renowned as fight juice, but you get that sugary stuff.
Yeah.
Well, that's the old saying they say in Western Queensland, if you can't fight on rum, you can't fight. And I think mudgy is one of those towns down south that has taught us that is very much the case. We're glad to have the Bundaberg draft to counter the mudgy mud, as you said, but we were getting carried away here talking about the delicacies of rural Australia. We should introduce today's guest who, if you weren't able to introduce from that exchange is from mudgy, is an expert somewhat on a changing economies in the bush and uh, you know, changing identities in the bush and changing identities of an individual. He's I guess you'd say a pioneer of youth journalism in Australia.
Is that a bit too, uh, is that something you want to nail your flag to? Is that something you want on your CV?
Yeah. Pretty much sums it up. Okay.
Pioneer of youth journalism. He's hosted triple J's hack. He's hosted the briefing on the ABC.
Did I ever see you do a Q and a, did you ever get a Q and a? No, never got the Guernsey. We did like a youth version of a hack live.
Right. On top of that, you've basically been in a household name in Australia for best part of a decade. And I'm going to say your name now for people who haven't actually heard, we've heard us talking for 10 minutes before we even introduced you properly. Tom Tilly, thank you for joining the Matoota Advocate podcast. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me.
I wish we could have talked about the growing motocross industry in Mudgee as well, but it feels like we're running out of time for that sort of economic agro finance chat. At the start, I just wanted to really go back to what Mudgee was like when you were a kid, obviously like in the late eighties, early nineties, it was probably pre the wine boom, but, um, it was certainly coming up and you're probably one of the only youth journalists in the country that can lay claim to spending much of your early life in a house without running water, Tom. I mean, there was one part in your book towards the start where you were describing having to empty out the thunder box. Can you tell us what that is? Yeah. So a thunder box is, um, it's a pretty, um, ancient device that you can, um, when you don't have a toilet. So my dad had a choice of buying us a nice established brick home, you know, in, uh, in south Mudgee. Uh, yeah. To the south eastern edge of Mudgee.
That was one option. That was one option near the, um, Toyota dealer near the Toyota dealer and the chain chainsaw shop anyway.
So 12 acres comes up on the edge of town with nothing on it. And he he's like 25 grand bargain. So he jumps on that says no to the established home with showers, toilets, electricity, running water.
And we move into a caravan and the caravan has a bit of a leak. It's May, June in Mudgee, which is fucking cold.
Yeah. So I'd take it that time of in that period you'd be buying north of the town then. So you'd be up on the hill. So yeah, we were near three poles down on the south side of town. So this was on the new side overlooking the wine on the other side of town. So you look into town, you see the beautiful staples of some areas, Catholic church, the Anglican church, maybe the top of the region theater. Yeah. Kelly's pub, shout out to Kelly's pub, the Irish pub in town, which at the time was probably the Sydney. You know it.
Or the Waratah. Became the Waratah.
Yeah. Anyway, so we lived up there. So we move on to this block of land. And I don't think we were necessarily poor, but suddenly we're shitting into a thunder box. In the wind. Yeah.
We haven't we haven't gotten to the full blown description of the thunder box it is.
It's a bucket? It's a plastic box with a bucket in it with a toilet seat on on the bucket. So once you fill it up, the whole family does what they need to do. On a daily basis, it might fill up every day or two. You lift up the toilet seat lid underneath. You can slide the bucket out of the box and you carry it to where you dump it.
So dated. Not too close to the caravan, hopefully. Well close to the orchards, I dated planted these lovely trees, dug a few trenches and we would sort of lay the bucket out into the trenches. Okay.
So this was kind of a early Melbourne Chinese migrants with the vegetable markets kind of set up. It was, was this was this to sustain yourself? Like gold rush era? It had that kind of vibe to it. And Mudgee and Golgong in particular still had a very much a gold rush kind of post gold rush kind of energy.
But we also we didn't have a bath. So the only infrastructure data put on the place was a corrugated iron water tank that he'd taken off a job. He was a fencing contractor, had his own fencing business. And so we would get some water out of this rusty old corrugated iron tank, fill up this old tin washing tub, put that on the open fire and heat that up. And that was our bath for the whole family.
So one by one, we would strip off. Youngest to oldest? Well, I wasn't that keen initially, but then I realized we were all going to be using the same water. So you'd put the hand up to try and go first.
Because that's where the age old expression, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater comes from. Because by the time they'd had the whole family had washed, the baby was last. So let's not throw the baby out because it's so dirty by that point. So you weren't the baby being thrown out in the bathwater, you would jump in first.
Yeah, thankfully, I was the eldest. So as far as I know, our three at that stage, and then they had a late one, we had the fourth, I think mum was 39.
By that stage, we'd moved into the shed. This is all on the way to being in a house at one point, but Dad was sort of an owner builder bringing in tradies for the difficult parts. So it took us four years to build what was eventually a really nice house. Rammed earth, ahead of its time, Western 8 seater. Some good use of corrugated iron, which has become more trendy later on. Kept a few tradies in work, but Dad did a lot of it himself. But in the meantime, we lived in the shed. Half of it was a workshop, the other half of the ground floor was sort of the living space, and upstairs were some bedrooms. And that's where Mum and Dad conceived the fourth child upstairs, and there was no barrier between our bedroom and theirs, but they got one away.
Okay, and they must have got good at it too without hiding in plain sight. But I do want to clarify to the listers here. That wasn't in the book. Well he didn't know, he didn't know, it was discreet. I do want to clarify, your parents weren't like anarcho-primitivists. They were, the way you write about it is, they had been caught up in the counterculture of the 60s and 70s, and when it was time to form a family and kind of settle, they still had a little bit of that kind of free spirit edge, they went looking for greater meaning. And by the way, we haven't been stalking Tom Tilly, if you don't know by now, he has a memoirs he's just released called Speaking of Tongues, which we're talking about right now.
And it's all on the Wikipedia. We're just rolling through the Wikipedia.
We went out to Mudgee and asked everyone. An unabridged conversation before we go to the pub. We get a lot of this in the Woolpack. We went to Mudgee and asked everyone what they know about Tom Tilly, but this is your book, Speaking of Tongues.
Your parents found community and purpose and everything they were looking for in a rather infantile iteration of what we now know as Australian Pentecostalism. The name of those churches, it wasn't Hillsong, but it wasn't the Mudgee Life Church. Well, Dad set up the Mudgee branch, so the church we were in was called the Revival Centers and it was started by this very charismatic guy, believe it or not, a Melbourne returned soldier from World War II called Lloyd Longfield. So he joins the Commonwealth Revival Crusade, rises up through the ranks, starts a sort of jostle for power, breaks off, starts his own church in 1958 in Melbourne called the Melbourne Revival Center.
He starts to get a fair bit of growth. This is midway through the Pentecostal movement, which I've done more research about this movement that I didn't even realize I was part of. Starts in LA in 1900, sort of spreads around the world, comes to Australia. So by the 40s and 50s, post-World War II, there's a bit of a boom. Billy Graham, the American Preachers coming out to Australia, filling up the MCG, there's these waves of revival.
Really? MCG? One of the biggest crowds ever at the MCG. Okay.
And this is Pentecostalism? He was an evangelical, which includes Pentecostalism. There's a lot of crossover and some slight differences. So this guy, Lloyd Longfield, starts to build this church out of Melbourne.
His sister comes to the Adelaide branch, and then dad joins there. Mom is a Wellington girl from a grazing family, went to Kambala, came back to the country, traveled overseas.
A bit of a flower child? Was there a little bit of that?
She went to India, did all kinds of things, which she talked about at church, but in the pre-repentance era, these were the days where I was going astray. She wasn't like, oh man, I saw Hendrix live, it was awesome. Well, her face was saying it was awesome, but her words were saying, and then I found God. I had a bong lassi in a park and went for a bit of a walk.
Terrible. Yeah.
No, she had an amazing time, and the look in her eyes told me that. And I thought, well, my parents, they had some pretty interesting lives.
My dad, before he joined the church, got called up for Vietnam, didn't have to go, but had to cut off his long hair to join the army and do officer training, hated it, felt sort of lost, went and lived in Arnhem Land, met the Unippingo family, has this amazing time and then kind of finds God through the revival center, then they meet in the church. So we're in Dubbo, that's where they sort of, you know, planted their roots by a white weatherboard house in Mitchell Street, Dubbo, three blocks from the Macquarie River, near the church hall. We spent three or four nights a week down there, this beautiful community. Dad rises through the ranks, there's new people sort of hearing about the church in Ralston, Kandos, Golgong, Mudgee, and so he's interested, starts showing, yeah, I guess caring for these people going over, running little house meetings in this old school hall in Golgong, freezing, freezing cold in winter.
I can only imagine.
So Dad becomes the leader of a new branch of the revival center, Mudgee. Did he get sent to Mudgee? Did orders come or did he think, maybe I can consolidate all these people in a town like Mudgee? I think it was more him putting up the hand saying, I want to do this, and them saying, well, you're the only person here with a union degree, so go for it.
So I want to kind of ask, I mean, I can see the archetypes that existed in your family from Mudgee to Dubbo, you know, the counter-cultural parents who found God. Adelaide's interesting that it comes up because I hear a bit about those early days of Pentecostalism in Adelaide. I know Archie Roach got caught up in that, and a lot of his music was kind of, early days of his music was kind of, yeah, well, see, Archie Roach was homeless before he found this community. So I'm kind of wondering, what did you see? Where were these people coming from to your dad's branch? I mean, you guys were the kids of hippies who'd found God, but what does a person in 1980s western New South Wales who rocks up to one of these town hall meetings look like?
Some of them were people that were kind of on the rough edges of Sydney. So there are a lot of 25 acre blocks around Mudgee that people bought cheap in the 70s and 80s to start a new life. So there was a few families that sort of fitted that trajectory. You know, grew up in, say, southern edge of Sydney. There was one family from Menai. They came out, you know, could afford a decent block of land, had had some pretty bad run ins with drugs, wanted to straighten themselves out and have kids, in a similar way to the way my parents are kind of settling down, I guess. So there was a bit of that, other people with a lot of family trauma, a lot of family drama who were looking for, you know, a different kind of family that could support them emotionally and spiritually. So there were some people who'd really struggled. And so, yeah, my dad was kind of a beacon for these people because he listened to their stories and he kind of cared for them.
And as he presented it, kind of had an answer for them. Yeah. So how big did it end up getting?
I mean, I know from your perspective, you're a kid. This is your world. This is everything you know about this planet you live on.
I'm not sure if you're one of those households, but I'm guessing it wasn't Simpson Seinfeld every night. There are a few limits. We could watch The Simpsons, but not Home and Away Neighbours. OK, because that was The Simpsons was foreign enough. Well, I guess I had a range of themes like Home and Away Neighbours are almost exclusively about kind of what my dad described as immoral relationships. Yeah, pre-fornication, but you know. And what did The Simpsons do every Sunday?
Went to church. That's true. They went to church. Didn't they bag their neighbours for going to church?
Yeah, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.
But that's still your world. That's your social community, your everything.
How big is it actually from an outside looking in? What would they be saying about this congregation?
So for us, we had about 60 or so in Dubbo. We go to Mudgee. We start with just a few, probably 10, 20 peaks at about 30, pulls back to about 25.
But on the big weekends of the year, we would go to these big get togethers. So as a kid, we would drive across to Adelaide. And interesting you were saying about Adelaide playing a big role, because there were some huge churches there as early as the 40s and 50s. I think there was something going on with the Pentecostal movement in Adelaide, for sure. So we'd go to a camp called Carrickalinga and there were about 1,500 people there on New Year's. So as a kid, that seems huge. We'd track them into tents and caravans. That's like a city. We'd go to Melbourne, and we used to hold the Melbourne annual rally on the Queen's birthday long weekend. And it grew to the size where they had to put it in the Glass House, which was the home of the NBL basketball team of the day.
So pretty big, talking like 3,000 or 4,000 there. And so for me, when I started writing my book, I was wondering, how big was it really? It must have been like 20,000. And then I got the census stats, which I think would be an under-representation. But it peaked in 1991, when I was a kid. It was 4,500 according to the census. They listed themselves as followers? Yeah, I'd say there would have been more, because it's not a tick box saying Revival Centers. You have to go through and fill it out in more detail. So I'd say there would probably be more. It may have been 50% on top of that. So I'd say between 4,000 and 8,000 at its peak in Australia.
And then they had these branches in PNG and Africa as well. So they were missionaries. They were missionaries?
Yeah. And there were thousands and thousands over there. But I've got a suspicion those thousands and thousands went to every church that visited their town. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pentecostalism is interesting because historically, Christian churches defend their patch. Anglican, Catholic, you say this in your book or you say this in the interviews you've had about this time in your life, where it's like people wouldn't have really been too shocked if you told them Catholic or Anglican.
Socially acceptable. Yeah, socially acceptable.
If you'd grown up in a religious household in the 90s, everyone's seen a lot of families like that. But you were in this Pentecostal thing, which a lot of people don't know about. And furthermore to that, you were in one of those ones that we imagine where they're speaking in tongues.
I mean, everyone always said that about Morrison. He was a happy clapper. Scott Morrison was a happy clapper. But he was singing and clapping, but he wasn't speaking in tongues.
You were doing that. And you spent your childhood doing that.
Our church was all about it. What was unique about our church and why I called the book, Speaking in Tongues, our church was basically the only church that believed you had to speak in tongues to be saved. So in Scott Morrison's church, as you rightly say, he was a fully fledged member. He was saved, but he didn't speak in tongues.
And that's not necessarily such a big deal. Like in those other churches, in most of the Pentecostal movement, it's almost like a bonus to salvation. It takes you closer to God. It's almost like in the book how you're at that age where if it's your birthday, you'd be looking to get a new push bike. Or there would be some kids who would be looking for an Nintendo or a globe or something. But it seems like in your community, the gift that you were looking for was to receive the Holy Spirit. Yeah. So the parents want you to receive the Holy Spirit because then you're saved in your own right. They also confirmed their beliefs and this whole model that they were a part of made sense, which meant the kind of pressure crept younger and younger. So we were having these Seekers meetings where you'd get in a room with some of the elders and you'd get down on your knees and start repeating Hallelujahs and trying to loosen the tongues so that supposedly God would fill you with his Holy Spirit and it would burst out of your mouth into this language that sounded like the sort of tongues you'd hear in the meetings and these nuanced, rich tongues like these people really had their own languages.
And so as a kid you'd start to hear that oh, did you hear that Josh received? Oh, how old's Josh? Oh, he's nine. Oh, okay.
How did that happen? Who was he with?
It's like the modern day kind of mother's groups where she's like is yours talking yet? Is yours crawling yet? Are you having solids yet? Sleeping through?
So it was a little bit... Competition. I write about this moment in the book where we were at Maitland Bar on the road to Hillen Yeah, beautiful rocky riverbed beautiful spot to speak in tongues. Right. Was that your first time? On the banks of the river?
Well, so that's where my seven year old brother supposedly received and we were in this little meeting of the kids, this prayer meeting my brother receives and I'm instantly skeptical thinking that he's just trying to impress the parents but there was no room for cynicism or questions I had to get on board and say, oh that's amazing I'm nine, you're seven, how's that happen? And you hadn't received yet? And I'm like, either he's lying or God hates me. Or he's testing you.
There's one part I would like to touch on is how we've spoken about how small this community was in Mudgee What was it like to grow up being part of this in a town like that back then? There's one part in the book where you're talking about how people in your church would go down onto Market Street and they would sing at the top of their lungs accompanied by a guitar and and and when you're 12 years old, I mean even to speak in public, you feel like you deserve the Victoria Cross but like to sing religious songs at the top of your lungs on Saturday morning out the front of the old Kellett store How did you navigate that? A bit of outsider status I'm guessing? Well, navigate's a good word because what we would do, we would navigate our way from the crossing into Toy World and navigate ourselves into sports power at the back of the store which had a back door to fire and place car park and you bolt out the car park and go and spend an hour in Video Easy or the fish and chip shop with the arcade games so we'd try and get away from it So that was an obligation? You felt like these things were an obligation? Yeah, so we did our best to avoid it basically because that was the most embarrassing part and apart from the evangelism which is what we're talking about here which is the street singing the door knocking, preaching the pamphleting, we'd often be playing sport so we'd be a few blocks on the safety of the cricket ground or the football field.
With the other kids? With the other kids.
What I'm kind of gathering from the revival centers is obviously every different branch would range but it sounds like your family were relatively moderate. They had their message, they had their light but you weren't cut off from the other kids Yeah, so my parents were fairly liberal in the sort of spectrum of conservative to liberal within the revival centers and also being in a smaller town a smaller branch of the church there wasn't so much of a church community to live your whole life inside and that's when I ran into trouble was much later on when I went to Sydney and it was sort of expected that your whole world was inside the church whereas I'd actually grown up with a fairly moderate version of the revival centers lifestyle and I also had parents that wanted me to be integrated in the community so for the most part the evangelical embarrassments on the main street were when the two worlds came like dangerously close but most of the time I was just another kid at Mudgee High you know playing for the wombats getting on with my life my friends knew I was religious and they knew that we took it more seriously than you know the friends that went to the catholic church three times a year but they didn't know the full extent of it except for the two or three friends that actually came and saw it in action they didn't come twice I was after a sleepover the pick up wasn't you know something went wrong and they came with you yeah it's not like fuck this is sick that wasn't the reaction no they never spoke of it again till I rang them for the book they were good mates so you end up in Sydney so I'm guessing in this moderate kind of moderate but I can walk the two worlds yeah you're walking and your parents are allowing you to do that so you're allowed to go to Sydney and go to uni did they basically four sons did any part of them think that my son is going to be in India in six months or that you guys were going to do the same thing they did did they safeguard you at all there were mixed messages so on one hand they're bringing us up in this church and actually the church got even more hardline in 1995 the head pastor Lloyd Longfield decided that the fornication policy wasn't strong enough it had been a temporary ban or come back when you're married to permanent excommunication if you had sex before marriage so that was the reformation within the revival centers really yeah but we stayed with the catholic side and the smart people went with the more liberal side of the church which thought just a temporary ban was enough for fornication so we end up you know I think my dad made a mistake there I think he should have gone with the more moderate branch of the church but it split the whole joint in half he followed Longfield yeah you're right and so the church was hardline and then they started dishing out the rules on A4 bits of paper and it became very legalistic but my parents were still sort of sending mixed messages and so I go to Sydney I start really doubting the speaking in tongues I'm like I've got space in my life for the first time and were you living in like a flat? I was boarding with an elderly couple from the church put me up in a really nice house up on the northern beaches fuck me it was a bit boring though but you had space I had somewhere to live and I wasn't ready I tried to get a job at Yawn coal mine I tried to stay in Marchy but they rejected me good money well I was just seeing jet skis and milieu the boom was happening sorry you're probably better off going to uni so I end up at uni and that's when it starts to me and the church finance commerce I thought there'd be no money in journalism never considered yeah and that's when it all started I started to clash with the church but right at the end of my degree I won this cash prize from Cleminger ad agency for winning an essay competition suddenly I end up with two grand in my pocket and I'm about to start my first job which was at Deutsche Bank but I had six weeks spare I'm like I've got two grand six weeks maybe I should go overseas and I wasn't dying to travel and my mum rang me and said you've got to do it I'll lend you the spending money so mum was sort of pushing me to have these adventures and that adventure you know California, New York meet some Spanish ravers in London, drive through Paris the Pyrenees, Barcelona in all its glory my life changed completely on that trip is that where you launched? because I know you later and you said that when you were in the triple J world and the music festivals and stuff you were in a party scene you were in like a you were in that kind of world but do you reckon you kind of launched into young adulthood overseas well what are we talking about were you partying? this is 21 years old so this is me going to you know I've been to the pubs in Maggi with my school mates but didn't drink didn't drink at all until just before I turned 21 so on that trip was the first time I drank so yeah we're hitting the bars and clubs of Barcelona but not getting hammered like still fairly conservative careful little Christian kid and my revelation there was more of a philosophical one where I was like ah I could be a good person a good Christian even following the more like loving compassionate version of Christ versus the more legalistic hardline version so that's where my that was more of a mental leap for me than a launch yeah okay then from there you come back you take the job at Deutsche Bank I just want to quickly hear and this is you know for those who didn't know that you had this story this upbringing it's all in the book and there's a lot more to it but I feel like what a lot of people did know about you when you were working in the media in triple j particularly was that you had come out of finance so as you make that leapfrog everyone knew that you'd worked in the corporate sector prior to finding yourself in journalism but you hadn't studied media like that so yeah well I did it I was going through so much change so when I come back from this first trip I'm like I don't want to go back and be a banker like I've just discovered life in Europe and all this richness you know I've been on the streets of Barcelona on New Year's Eve with glass bottles and grapes flying around you know didn't want to be in Australia didn't want to be in the church didn't want to be working for a bank but had no money and I was I was still a conservative you stretched two grand for six weeks and five different countries got a big debt to pay mum back and so I stayed at the bank for about two years all up that was during the time when it all completely unraveled with the church and they were my hardest years where I kind of had to step out without the support of my parents and it got kind of ugly yeah and that was because you did start to I guess doing what people do at that age you know you started going to these parties you started going to Sydney Mardi Gras you started going to well nightclubs and that kind of stuff and you were engaging in immoralistic relationships I was yeah but it wasn't it wasn't like the hedonism necessarily that hadn't really started that actually came in my thirties I was still living a pretty clean kind of life but I couldn't dig the future that was laid out for me there and it just felt so negative and narrow well there's a scene that you paint in the book where you're at a barbecue with some people from your church and the girl that you're seeing at the time and you just came out and said that I don't really fully believe in this stuff anymore I mean like is that the equivalent of throwing a dead cat on the table that's exactly what it was like it was like farting on a dance floor you know bad ventilation it blew up the party so no one we knew had voiced their doubts or maybe they didn't have any but if they had they hadn't said anything about it so yeah I'm having this fight this argument with my girlfriend now arguments always ended up the same way basically you need to be a better Christian you need to pray more read the bible more and you know follow god and then yeah it just boiled up one time and I said I'm just not sure I believe in all of this and so yeah boom this big moment and did she rat you out? she starts crying everyone's seeing her crying I walk out of the party people come out to me going what's going on and this is where I just start coming clean with people and my best mate from childhood is one of the first people to walk out and I said look mate I just got to ask you do you doubt this whole speaking in tongues thing that we do and he says oh mate look of course I do but when I do that I just pray and read the word more and rebuild my faith and I just sort of thought that's a lovely answer but anytime you have a question you just switch your brain off and just read the bible and I knew that that wasn't the right answer someone else comes out anyway these people come out and I feel like the black sheep it feels like my world's imploding I'm the only one who's admitting that I'm not sure that this is real and from then I become kind of a marked man before I know it the head pastor's sort of pulling me aside for a chat and it starts to sort of the pressure starts to ramp up did your family experience any blow back because of you know their wayward son great question so my dad while I was sort of having this I guess this war was erupting around me he was in the pastor's meeting my dad sort of questioning things as well but when it all came to a head he still wasn't supporting me to leave and he was saying you're not going to sort of turn the ship around by jumping overboard I'm like it's a sinking ship dad I'm out and so that's that's where we ended up differing you know that's a long way from a complete divide where we're on completely different pages but that was still very painful because at that stage I thought they would all stay in for life and I would be the only one to go so you were excommunicated in your mind forever yeah they never cut me off completely but it was very awkward for a few years yeah and at this point you're making trips back and forth from Sydney you're driving four hours to experience this unpleasantness well by this point they'd moved back to Adelaide so after the split in the church the Adelaide branch went to shit there was only like it went from like a thousand members to like 20 they all went with the other side so my dad went and picked up the pieces yeah okay sold up the rammed earth house in Margie moves to Adelaide for the church after everything and then his first born son leaves yeah and we start to go through some weird times and so around that time I quit the job at the bank take a year out travel through Africa I live in Amsterdam that's where I finally lose my virginity at 23 nice then I come back and start the new inner city Sydney media life with a bit of swagger well I still felt like a loser to be honest I'm cruising around these you know those the terrace house parties where you bustle through the hallway out into the backyard and there's people from you know Suds the Sydney Uni Dramatic Arts Society and the left wing activists and the young journalist some guys got a keg of home brew or some shit like that yeah there's bongo on saxophone you know playing with the DJ inside this is the 2000s you know and the Paul's boys had too much K and can't move in the front room yeah they're around the edges of the lounge room but yeah this is this world around Sydney Uni in the inner city there yeah I was intimidated by it cause did it feel like you're like I'm living on the very fringe of society here well I just felt boring you know like my story was embarrassing my chat was terrible I didn't get the theatrics and the nonsense and the sort of the banter were we being ironic were we like what was going on so it took me a while to sort of get up to speed and then also piece the career together I was on Johnny Howard's surf team for six months there yeah we've been paying good back then too the real value was a lot better than it is now but eventually I get caught into the for some reason I had this meeting with Centrelink where the Redfern branch wasn't good enough I had to ride my bike all the way down to the Maroo run I was like ah you gotta be here all day it's job search training oh man I'm like but I've got my first job on a film set you know and so I started cracking into the media thought it'd be documentary making then got some part time work in the ABC newsroom and thought ah well news journalism it's not as exciting or as you know the story telling is not as deep as say making a documentary series but you get paid and this is and you've still got those stripes because you won this big essay prize so you back yourself as a writer or nah starting from scratch feeling useless mailroom stuff or what are we talking about yeah like basically the assistant to the chief of staff so picking up the calls from the camos right you finish the supreme court where do we want them now alright down to the Cronulla riots or whatever's going on on that particular day then I do some post grad at UTS across the road and that's our piece to career together finally scraped into the job at triple J probably because they just needed to up the regional quota yeah okay alright diversity high I just wanna quickly touch on about like how you were probably one of the first people out the door in your tiny community in Mudgee and then there was another one your friend Jarrah he got the flick not too long after yeah well he actually got done before when Sam received on the riverbed at Maitland bar at 7 Jarrah was there receiving at 5 right okay so we'd grown up with him and he was like the Ricky Ponting of the revival centre exactly the Ben Iken the prodigy he got a blow job in year 12 oh no and there was no chance that he was gonna marry this girl to come back to the church so he got permanently excommunicated post reformation yeah right post the wrong side of reformation and so we lost a few other friends I actually had this friend that we used to ride motocross with he was from Windsor in Sydney they would come out and he was supposedly fighting with his dad that's what my dad told me the next time we went to Sydney to buy a Suzuki RM80 from the trading post we see his dad and he says David's gone to prison and so this was a friend of ours that I grew up with in a church ended up in jail he'd stolen his dad's bike anyway he ended up in big serious trouble it was really sad my cousins also left but Jarrah was the first one who was really close to us who just got completely cut he didn't leave he was booted you know and we were basically told not to talk to him and that didn't sit right with us so Sam and I my closest brother we stayed in touch with him and when I got booted out of the house that's another whole chapter in the story where the church boots me out of my own house because they said if you don't leave we'll make all the other boys leave because they're all in the church and under our power and so I rang the real estate agent and said you got any more of these houses up here in Manly Chest there's one down the road actually so I walk down the road look in the window ring it back and say I'll take it and so I call Jarrah and say I need the church to get a house so I call Jarrah back and go hey do you want to start a new share house I've got one just down the road from the revival centre share house and he's like I'm in so we start up a rebel ex-revival share house and start throwing parties and Jarrah starts ripping darts out in the front yard just for a bit of a spectacle and so yeah that friendship kind of meant a lot for us because he was shafted and it didn't feel right yeah and there's a bit of who's with me I'm with you I mean there's so much more in this story you know we won't even go into you know the Tilly family's journey after you you know got laid and started drinking piss you know the whole family had their own transitions and experiences with and away from the church but I want to ask now which I don't really know if it's covered too extensively on record is where is the revival centre now because I was kind of getting to that a bit earlier it's the thing about Pentecostalism and Evangelicalism is it's a consolidation game you can acquire congregations and move people over here whereas the Catholics and the Protestants they never did that two churches sat there and they held on with both hands to who they had until everyone dwindled away whereas the Pentecostal game is a bit different we've got churches merging we've got the you know assemblies of God we've got hillsongs picking up a couple down here in the Shire we've got all this kind of shit and it's a big it's a business game like that no totally and it's defined by split after split after schism after schism so yeah I mean the Reformation was a split in itself but they seem to have a lot more slower back in those days where in the 120 or so years of Pentecostalism there's just every man and his dog have started their own church or split off from the previous one so you know that's part of the Hillsong story as well our church you know was formed by a number of splits so there were lots of those yeah eventually so I quoted you that number from 91 so we're at 4500 when they split in 95 they lost half so we're now in the 2000s since then it's the last census figure in 2016 is down to 700 so you know maybe that number is under estimation but the trend line is down big time so 700 and then people at that point you know when they lose half does that become another one or do these people find their own churches the people that leave some of them would not be Christians anymore some would go to other churches some would go to a similar church some would go to a very different church like the Anglican church I don't know if any of those people have started their own church or got any momentum but they could have easily exactly well they could be about to well it's an interesting story I mean your story is interesting Tom but also we haven't really heard that much about this journey of Pentecostalism in Australia really it's our fastest growing church isn't it I think in Australia yeah but compared to population it's not growing that fast it's just growing at a time when the other churches are coming backwards so much so it's still only 250,000 Pentecostals versus 5 million Catholics in Australia right but the difference is that Pentecostals go to church Catholics don't so it seems like there's more of them or they're having more visibility or impact the Catholics are like you should see us at Easter bro there's always that guilt though so that's a powerful force the funny thing is since I put this book out I am just getting inundated with messages from people see I thought it was just the story of just my story and my family or the story of our strange little church but people from all over the Pentecostal spectrum and even just the broader Christian spectrum are writing to me saying cannot thank you enough for telling our story it's like any kid that grew up in a church where they sort of weren't able to question things or sort of felt like they didn't have real agency to make their own choices is relating to this book and they're saying a funny thing to me which I don't think is true but I'm looking into the meaning of it which is no one's ever told this story before that's not true like there was a story people in glass houses about Hillsong so people have written stories about leaving Pentecostalism but something about this or the way I've done it or who I am the person telling it maybe? A little bit of the mask off on Tom Tilly that actually you were one of those kids because for years I knew you was the guy they'd listen to of an afternoon on triple J talking about pill testing talking about pill testing talking about ISIS there was a few years of that yeah there was I even went to the Middle East for hack I mean what's it like for you guys reading the book you've obviously defamed me a lot over the years but to get the full story I didn't hear it from you I knew you'd come out of a church but I actually in my mind it was actually during the time of massage so I was thinking more like family like those Queensland kind of commune I thought it was more of a commune you'd come out of and I find it truly interesting that you'd be able to give a voice to these churches that actually do exist in the community they're not cut off they don't come into you know because it's not that extreme in some ways but then it is psychologically and emotionally it is it's not a commune and it's not like the exclusive brethren who you can't use a tradesman who isn't you know isn't saved within that particular denomination so it is interesting and it just makes you wonder the people you've met and the people you've worked with and you know just in plain sight how much of this was going on around you growing up and that's the perspective of somebody who didn't grow up like that and I do think that's part of what you're feeling now because not only is someone who is interested in that kind of story and that kind of upbringing but the people that went through it haven't heard it kind of broken down the way it is by someone who's fully you know you've fully stepped aside yeah it isn't written by like an outsider journalist who's like you know I'm going to go through this whole thing with a scalpel yeah well that's the thing I came to a few points in writing the book where I was like oh do I write the story about the pastor in the church that started a property development company that people say you know I did some people out of some serious money it's like well that's not my story I'm not writing an expose here I'm not going to all the things you know like I started going through some of the I was like do I look into all the royal commission was mentioned there and like do I tell all that in the end I decided I'm actually having a break this is a memoir it's not a journalistic it's not hack thankfully yeah and so I don't know that actually seems to have worked because that's what people connect to you write a memoir so that people read it and they see themselves in your story I think that's what a good memoir is supposed to do I'm not famous enough for a full on biography so it had to be a memoir and it had to have something for other people in my story but it's almost like the more you just narrowly focus on that internal journey and that's what's so good about books you know different to TV radio can kind of work but you can really sort of contextualise that in a journey I just want to finish with now you're a young father so that's come in between sitting down to write this book and publishing it do you have any primal urges to this day looking at your kid thinking are we going to take this kid down to the riverbank or you feel completely removed from those instinctual kind of church behaviours look the only thing I want to take from the church was the great community and you know the fact that three or four nights a week we were getting together with people we kind of laughed and having a good time and that social support that came with it but what I would like to do is to have that without this conditional love which is what we experience thought oh we're a great community unless dot dot dot you know so like if you can take the good from that without the sort of the cutting off without confusing these poor kids about speaking in tongues like I've had so I've had people who are even relatives of the founding pastor Lloyd Longfield reach out to me and say thank you for writing this and we end up talking and it's like you know I'm raising my kids like that's three generations away from the founder they're only just coming clean of some of this nonsense you know and so what a joy to raise your kids without confusing them about ridiculous things and just hopefully teach them about life and get them playing for the Ramic Rugby Club and you know what are they called the Randy Wicks up the Wicks yeah go the Wicks the grain machine but there was just one thing I was just going to ask you is that you know you and your brother Sam have obviously gone on to achieve quite a lot I mean for those people who are listening at home your brother's got a law degree and that's not an easy thing to do what were some of the positives that you think you took from growing up in an environment like you did yeah I guess to start with it was like a loving supportive and safe community and so sometimes I look back and I'm like well at least we got through our teenage years without getting into some really crazy stuff save that for my thirties but so like a safe supportive basis to start life like a good foundation and then we also got that we had to meet like the people I was describing who bought the 25 acre blocks or you know people that were drug addicts or coming out of prison that joined the church like you don't meet them in a middle class life you know we were sort of broken out of that so I think that was a beautiful thing and that's I was actually just walking down the street with my partner and my baby this morning and we were you know there was a few comments about the coals not being up to scratch and that we needed to go to Harris Farm and I said I don't want to raise my kid to be a snob you know so there's that and then I think for us we also learn how to question authority and pick the whole thing apart and break out of an echo chamber you know and I need to end up in one later on in the media and you know I mean I guess you could say that that did help in your work in Hack well I like to cross like I hate echo chambers because of what I grew up in I grew up in the worst kind of echo chamber one where you couldn't even ask questions so when I see them again I sort of push back a bit so there's a bit of that and I guess I learn a lot about family as well and that's sort of you know when I look at my parents and my parents have backed me to write this book which shows up some of their decisions that led us down the wrong path but they were bold enough to let me write it but we hung on as a family because they stayed connected and when we had our baby I looked at him and it sort of became very clear the main thing you have to do is just be there and be present and be be connected so I think there are a few little lessons along the way it'll be interesting to see it'll be interesting to see the community you bring this kid up in Tom Tilly without the conditional rules that you are you could go the other way gets pretty loose you can do whatever you want kid no no thanks for joining us Tom it's a hell of a yarn and as we said before we didn't even scratch the surface on the story of both you and your family and the revival centers so available at all good bookstores and even the bad ones because we need to support all small businesses in this and big business and big chains as well big chains and big online Amazon and of course our ABC and Louis motocross complex as well big sponsor actually it'll be interesting when you come back when you go back to Mudgee the king has returned you put him on the map well yeah there's a chapter where I go back and jump on the bike again and come unstuck and so well at least that wasn't as bad as the terrace house incident yeah that really the impalement that sent a shiver down my spine thanks for joining us author Tom Tilly thank you |
cracked | if_einstein_is_so_smart_then_why_did_he_die_quorators_podcast | So there's a few things we're not going to be doing this episode. And that is having a sword, mentioning that I took a huge dump in the cracked office and then the plumbing wasn't working and it's just back there. And no one has told anybody about it. Involve the sword in trying to fix that toilet situation. There is just a toilet in the cracked office that has a big dookie in it from Mr. Alex Patak. If any super fans out there want a taste of that head to the cracked offices.
Hey, welcome back to Quarators on crack.com home of the fact in bike.com. We mean the YouTube page. It's another week here on Quora. We're Alex and Jeremy. While you were out partying, we were studying the Quora.
It's just, it's too big for the table. It is too hard, but we're zoomed out because we have a big flag. That's true. And otherwise the full word on the flag wouldn't fit.
Welcome to the show. Welcome to Quarators.
The only podcast that reads Quora. We're the only podcast that laughs at the internet.
And we've ever do it. Yeah. Is it the first ever do it? And we're brothers and we're two brothers. We got a great show for you today.
There is no guest. You've been bad. This is your punishment.
We're going through some real stuff. We did not feel comfortable showing to a third person. Yeah. But are comfortable showing to several thousand people. That's correct. And with your help, several million, several million.
Call me a pedophile. To the boy.
If you haven't seen the show before, we read Quora. We read Quora questions. If you're one of the millions here for the first time, you don't know what we are. But we are Quarators. We curate Quaras. We go to the website quora.com, which is like Facebook, but also Reddit and yeah.
And you can upload things, but you make money sometimes. Also ring that bell. Ring that bell for crack. Slam that button and Patreon.com slash Quarators. Yeah. That's an even better bell.
But also for on our show, we read Quora. We do. And every week we drop a Quora onto the website Quarators.
And then pretty much treat Quora like it's a crack.com bathrooms. But with the plumbing that just does not work. And so you do things that are very humiliating there.
People are gonna be so nice to us this episode. Also, this is batch recorded. So this is coming out like three weeks after the event. So if it's the poop still there, we're in trouble. Something has gotten wrong. We're in the apocalypse. There's been some kind of cataclysm event. It's like one of those apocalypse TV shows where it just suddenly cuts to like 50 years later. And the poop is still there, but it's like everything's green and lush. It's like station 15 station 11.
I just watched that show. That's why I'm referencing it. Yeah, it's the jump cut. Yep. All right. Release the poop jump cut.
What did we say last week? Last week on Quarators. If Quora started making their own TV shows, what would you like to see from them? How much response did we get on this? Because I feel like this is a good engagement fishing question. Well, let's see.
This is scrambled eggs. Thank you. This is scrambled eggs. As for the millions of new listeners, if you must respond to our question at the end of the episode, make sure to use the words scrambled eggs.
And that way we know that you are just some fucker who came from our show and not like a real guy answering it. Yeah. That way, when you write something crazy as a joke, we know it's a joke, and we don't say this person's crazy. Yeah, we all make fun of you because you're one of the gang. Okay.
The one real answer here from Splatty is keeping with Q&A tradition, Quora might have a live call in show. Oh, it could be interesting. Who are we calling into? After the theists get riled up. If Quora had a call in show, it would be Jordan Peterson's call. Wait, there's more.
One guy says, Captain Kangaroo. He was entertaining. He was educational, but above all, he treated children with respect.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm reading. Why is Quora just slipped in another question?
What's the best TV show ever made? Oh my God. If Quora had a TV show, it would be Captain Gangaroo. It is my belief that Quora would invent the Flintstones.
Next question. We read some of our listeners ones. Okay. I would like to see host slash guest reading on him questions and answers from Quora and also a scrambled egg segment. Maybe have it be a video audio medium on a certain channel that only have facts on it. That does sound good. Also have wacky sound effects. Useful answer.
I'm going to say go off. Yeah, Jeremy's going to tell them to go off.
And if you write into the show, you could get a high compliment such as that. And especially if you tell us it's dangling in front of you. I think we would invent Captain Kangaroo.
Okay, so you don't write scrambled eggs. That's when the sword, it's not you're going to spill on my laptop.
I'm so afraid of the sword. I've hit the microphone so many times for people listening to just the audio version. We have a sword. There's a katana in the office today.
It's not a real one. Don't tell him that. Oh, I'm sorry. It is a real one.
Have you come at me? I'll cut you down. Jeremy is wanted by the police.
Yes. So that wasn't like our wackiest question. And we did get some good answers on that. No, we had a.
Now you're just reading my email. I was trying to read. I was trying to read our email or collect email.
All right, let's get into our first segment. This week is the Quoker. Now this is our incel and manosphere segment. There's a lot of incels in the Quora community and we want to learn their their minds. That's right, Jeremy. And the logic is that the Joker, if he were real, would not be getting no pussy. No. And so that's why it's called the Quoker. What's on Quora this week? All right.
This question is men who have daughters are betas. Why won't people understand that? So this is a common refrain based on the bonus episode we just recorded with a guy on Reddit saying this exact same thing. Now the thing is with this question, I think a lot of you are going to be confused and say, and think that the question is, do men who have daughters, are they betas? Are they betas? But that's not the question. That's a statement. Why won't people understand that? Right, yes. What's wrong with them? What's wrong with society that only I understand that men with daughters are betas? I guess my answer, Jeremy, would be that they're so serious. And then I would ask a follow-up. Why so serious? Yeah. Men who have daughters are betas. Don't you understand, Batman?
Do you know how I got this child's tutu? Do you know how I got this daughter? Do you know how I got this Barbie playhouse, Batman? It's because of my many daughters.
Remember when 2008 happened? Oh, yes. What a year it was, folks. Take me back. That was when Cracked was real. We gotta return to 2008. The Dark Knight.
We wouldn't understand because we're two daughter-having betas. I mean, not yet, but you can just tell. Oh yeah, look at these guys. They're gonna have daughters.
That's one of the top comments we get, by the way, is that we're betas, and I don't know in reference to who. Who are we? Who's our alpha?
Is it Rob? Is it the cameraman, Rob? Maybe. He's kinda like our stern daddy. He sets up the camera and leaves.
If you're a beta, do you need to have an alpha? You can't just- A beta must have an alpha, Jeremy. You can't just be a beta out in the wild? The hierarchy does not. You can't be a freelance Ronin beta.
That's not gonna work. Who are you gonna? I almost got hit with the sword, if you're listening. Who are you gonna beta for? Who's gonna dom you?
All right, I'm gonna put the sword away. The sword is dangerous. I'm afraid of it spilling on my laptop. The sword is gone. Get it out of here. Goddamn Quokker segment, bringing the sword out.
Anyway, no, I don't think you could have a beta in the wild. What animal would be a beta in the wild, do you think?
Dogs. Sloth. All dogs, because dogs are just like wolves that we turned into little cutesy animals.
That doesn't mean they're betas. They're alphas when they're alone, because they're number one on the call sheet. It's true, they are. To be an alpha is to be the Tom Cruise of your clique.
Of your pack. If you're a pack celebrity.
If you were in Mission Impossible by yourself, you would be the first name called. Now Jeremy Renner tried to be the alpha of Mission Impossible. And how did that work out? Tom Cruise barked him down.
He's always standing at the craziest angles, Jeremy Renner. There's so many photos, still photos of him as Hawkeye, where he's like full hip splayed, spine twisting 180 degrees to look at the camera. And it looks insane.
This is why he hid himself with a snowplow. For some reason, I thought you said that his name was Hawkeye for a second. I was like, that's a good name. As opposed to Hawkeye. New Marvel character, Hawkeye.
Isn't that all of them folks? Quickly, Hawkeye, you gotta pop the top off. Did you ever worry you just got- The city's in danger. You gotta do that thing where you cross your arms and slowly bring it up. Oh yeah. That's the only way to stop the- Just peel that thing off like a banana.
The Chitauri. What are the names of the aliens? Chitauri? What are the aliens in Avengers?
Don't say these kinds of things to me. Don't talk to me like that.
Isn't the name of them? Oh bro, the Chitauri. Chitauri.
Oh, thank God that's what it was. I'm so happy for both of us that that's a real word. What if you just bleep it out? It just sounds like it's something crazy. Excuse me?
The Chitauri. Which aliens are those? Those are the ones from the Avengers. That's like Thanos' army or whatever.
Oh, okay. I don't know, dude, who cares? Yeah, it sounds like you do know. I have no idea. That's why your daughter having beta. I literally don't know who the Chitauri are from Avengers, the first one, when they do the tasks. Back to the question, I'm gonna wrangle us back in.
Donald Trump has a daughter, so are you really sure about that guy? Is he an alpha? People with daughters have betas? I guess he has two sons for the daughter. Does that balance it out? He has two daughters though, because he's got Tiffany as well. So maybe he's a little bit of a beta. He has three sons and two daughters.
Because Baron, you're forgetting Baron. There's honestly a lot of them and it's kind of hard to keep up. Trump Jr. Yep, Eric. Eric. Baron, Tiffany, Ivanka.
Yep, okay, so for as long as you have a son to cross the daughter out, you can still be an alpha, I guess is the lesson. All right, I learned something today. And who's the biggest alpha?
Donald Trump. He was president.
That's a cracked fact. So I think we settled the question. What are the comments on this?
Do you ever worry that your balls are just filled with X chromosomes? Never once, never once, my dude. I'm shooting straight X's. I'm not getting anywhere on this tic-tac-toe board.
That's your fault. If you have a daughter, that's on you. That's on you, bro. You're not like cool alpha Donald Trump.
Ask yourself why. Yes. Yep, yep. Ask yourself why.
Welcome to Cracked. Humans do not have alphas or betas. The whole premise is nonsense because actual leadership is not asserting dominance but in cultivating excellence in the whole team. And we do not need to care about your sexism. Okay, 555 upvotes on that. We do not need to care about your sexism.
Also, and this is just me saying this as an impartial observer, it kinda sounds like beta talk. Ooh. Kinda sounds like something a beta would say. That there's no alphas or betas?
Yeah. Wow. Kinda seems like, oh, why are we even having this competition? Oh, by the way, I'm in second. Yeah.
I don't have that. It has nothing to do with the fact that I don't lead a pack of wolves. No one thinks I should be pack leader. I've never been the president. I eat second before everyone. I don't wear a big red tie to show I'm a big boy. I've never had an elongated circle office.
I don't know, because it's not true in the slightest. Do yourself a favor and never have children.
That's from Blade in Heart. Blade in. That's a great Quora name.
It's BS, and there's nothing to understand, because people aren't wolves. You don't understand that. No, people are going off on this guy.
Toxic masculinity isn't alluring or sexy, and until you figure that out, you shouldn't have sons or daughters. Not even daughters! You can have non-binary children. You can only have androgynous children.
That was from Bunny 97. Bunny 97 ethering that question.
Three roses, two hearts, one love. One love.
I know mine is one love. Here's a great one, because Babe Ruth only had daughters.
Let's go! It is 1942, we're the world's first podcast.
Ever heard of true alpha Babe Ruth? Chubby baseball player? He's chubby, and he, you know what, nevermind about the thing I was gonna say. It's just a cracked fact, but the thing about Babe Ruth is like, he was pushed as a white guy at the time, but they're not sure if he was actually a dark-skinned Dominican man.
Really, is that true? I think so. You should look it up, now that I'm afraid I said it on a podcast, but yes. Well, this is, I wrote, dumbican?
It's on Snopes. Oh, Snopes has taken it, oh, unproven. Oh, no. Snopes says question mark. Snopes says question mark.
Now, this is crack.com home of the fact. I don't want to spread lies on this. Now, it seems like the big... Would Desus and Miro lie to me about Babe Ruth's ancestry? Miro wrote, oh nah, you Dominican as fuck. So...
I don't know what's happening over there. Sorry, I was yelling at the other room. I thought they were yelling at us for some reason. I don't know why that would be happening.
We're talking about Babe Ruth. So, okay, the reason for this is that Miro quote-tweeted a colorized photo that someone made and said that he looks Dominican. Now, this colorized photo is, of course, just a black and white photo that someone drew colors over in Photoshop.
Well, it looks like it could be real, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't know. I think that everybody's kind of thinking this kind of thing. I think that's right. It's speculated that Babe Ruth, check out Babe Ruth.
Not going into, this is a long Snopes article, which is not the website we have a podcast about.
Shouts out to Babe Ruth. If he was Dominican, you know, that's dope as hell. We respect that. That's really cool. Dominican Babe Ruth. All right.
Okay, this is the animal segment Quaragon Wild. Let's move on. We're now on Quaragon Wild. Ah, wild. Oh, this is a good one.
How many unarmed Nazis would it take to defeat a gorilla? Now, if you listen to the first season of the show, which was shot at my house with a phone, you probably know that we have answered 1,000 questions about who can fight a gorilla, and the answer is very few people. Almost no one.
Pretty much just Master Chief. Yeah, if he has his armor. If he has his armor, but also you have to understand that Master Chief, without his armor, still has incredible genetic experimentation done to him that makes him quite different. That allowed me to finish. It makes him quite different than your average Joe, and so he could fight a gorilla, but that doesn't mean Nazis are gonna have any luck, even with their master race.
So what do the comments on this say? Well, first of all, I like that we're reading a question that's about some of our angrier commenters on YouTube, finally, and I'm not gonna say if they're the Nazis or the gorilla. Do you wanna answer it first? Do we have any ideas how many it would take? All right, oh yeah, the question is not could they, it's how many. Yeah, this is basically Quora's version of the light bulb joke, where it's like, how many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Quora's like, how many unarmed Nazis does it take to take down a gorilla? I understand where you're coming from, but a light bulb is a very easy thing to do, and fighting a gorilla bear armed is an extremely difficult thing to do, so I don't think it's quite the same question.
You know what, I have some Eastern European heritage. It's very difficult for me to screw in a light bulb. I need several of my friends. Absolutely, and that is a place that's coming from your truth.
Is that gonna get me in trouble? I don't think so, but one thing that would get you in trouble is if you and your friends had to fight a gorilla bear. That would get me in a lot of physical trouble. So if all of you strangled the gorilla at the same time? I don't think, I think you would need like 100 people. Yeah, you're gonna need a fucking ton to do this, dude.
I just would back out of this. Any kind of obligation you're in, just X out of that. I also don't think that your political affiliation matters that much.
Although, I guess if you were in the Wehrmacht, right, and they were just like, we must take the gorilla, but they didn't give you any tools to do it, you would have to do that or you'd be a treason and the treasonous Nazi soldier and they'd kill you. So in that case, I guess what you wanna do is get like 100 dudes to kind of belly flop on this thing and just bury it alive in bodies. And that's your best chance and one guy is gonna get tore up by that monkey's mouth. But they have no, are they just punching him? Don't just flop, like all be on him at once. But then what? Well, you need, I don't know, to starve him out. If you're all on top of him, he's buried alive in people, maybe he'll suffocate.
I'm gonna say you need 100 people. And if the grill is Jewish and it's Nazis, you're gonna need 200 people. You're gonna need 200 because it'll have twice the strength.
Thanks for writing in. See, look, look at this question. The second one is, this is the same as the light bulb. Before or after they put in the light bulb to see.
Well, maybe I'm wrong about it. Thank you. Maybe I'm off base here. All of those details are really insignificant.
As long as the gorilla gets adequate food and drinks and rest, it could go through a million zombies, breaking bones and crossing walls left and right without much damage to itself. That isn't true. If the gorilla gets the drop on you, it's really gonna tear through Europe. Yeah, dude, the gorilla could have won World War II. Absolutely. If it's a Soviet gorilla. If these Democrat cowards weren't afraid to push the gorilla button, this war would be over already. The comments are going to think we are Republicans this episode. I don't know why you would say that. Anyway, yeah, I think you could probably fucking, you'd have to bury that gorilla alive.
We've read this one before. Oh, yeah, it's doing the thing where it brings us to another question. Quora is very misleading. Does it still have the tab where it says answers only at the top? No. They've gotten rid of that. They're updating this website. Why are they making it harder to use every time we use it? It's driving me crazy. Also, this answer is very funny. Is the chat GPT thing still here?
Yeah, well, not for this one for some reason. I like this one. It says, one, but they wouldn't be fighting in a silly octagon. That's true. Even without access to modern weapons, a Nazi or any other reasonably intelligent human, interesting, would use his noggin to devise traps or distance weapons to use against the gorilla, not for academic reasons or entertainment, or as a source of protein. That is incorrect. It's not gonna work.
What trap are you using? Are you gonna trick it into a hole or something?
The gorilla's going to rip your arms off. He is stronger and faster than you. And you know what? He might be smarter than you. He can probably dig out of a hole a lot better than you can't do, so if you got out of there, odds are pretty good the gorilla's getting out. You can't do arithmetic, but in the wild, you're not smarter than the gorilla.
What are you gonna do? Yeah, you have no strength. Oh, I'll make a spear. Shut up! No, you won't.
Where are you getting a rock pointy enough? Even if you had a spear, I don't think your odds are pretty good against a gorilla. No, no, not even close. The gorilla's killing you.
But I guess if I'm a full platoon of Nazis, I might do okay. Maybe you are. But it does say specifically unarmed, so I believe that is cheating. Anyway, thanks for the question. The answer is you're gonna need a lot of Nazis.
Let's go to the next one. We're tackling religion today. On to religion. Is this our most offensive trio of questions to begin? Yeah, the show has to get better as we go with the thing, so here we go.
I like it. This is our religious segment, Forbidden Fruit. And that's kind of a reference to Forbidden Fruit, isn't it, Jeremy? It sure is, Alex. It sure is.
This question is, would it be Haram to shift realities or quantum jump in Islam? I really want to learn how to do this and be better at it, but there's always a doubt, and I get scared of it being Haram. Now, Haram, I'm no Muslim, Jeremy.
Yes. But this is the rules in Islam that you can't play games and drink alcohol, right? I haven't heard that about games. I know there's a rule against alcohol. There's a rule against eating certain foods. It means forbidden. Okay, I know. Go ahead and do a Control-F on games on the Haram Wikipedia. Games, zero. Looks like a vicious stereotype you started.
I know this because I remember reading once that the history of chess is such that in Muslim countries, like hundreds of years ago, they weren't allowed to play, I think it's games of chance. So they couldn't play chess, but they- Chess is not a game of chance. I know, but they got around it by saying that it was war strategy, so they were able to use that as a loophole to play chess. I did the same thing with StarCraft in college.
I was like, this is for my tactics. I'm going to need these skills. What are you going to do with the Zerg cum? I'm not going to know how many pylons I need to safely expand. Let me ask you this, priest. What will you do when the creep comes up on your house? How many carriers will you deploy? Will you know to make just void rays? Tell me this.
Can you quickly stagger your- Stalkers? Stalkers is the word I was looking for. It's been a while.
Anyway, Haram, can you quantum leap in a halal fashion is the question. Have you seen quantum leap? No. I've only seen a few clips of it. Okay, so in quantum leap, first of all, he really is hoping his next leap is the leap home. Okay. Does he not choose? No, he just is getting thrown here and there. But the thing is, he is often quantum leaping into quite unpleasant situations, and tense ones. So I would say if I were a true and fair god, I would forbid my followers from quantum leapings.
Really? Yes. Wow.
Granted, at the time, let's say it's like 800 AD or whenever Islam popped off, you're probably gonna need to know about quantum leaping first, and I'm not sure the press had gotten out there yet. Now, you know what's interesting is that there's a bunch of related questions, and almost all of them are about- There's a lot of people asking about reality shifting. Is shifting reality as Haram? Is it Haram to shift reality in Islam? I've been wanting to reality shift, but I'm scared it's Haram. If it is, then why is it not, blah, blah, blah. Everybody wants to reality shift.
Into a movie the halal way. So people really do, I guess, for some reason. TikTok is so dangerous to spread to people. All of the young people are trying to reality shift. Someone posts a section- In Farsi or something? Oh, society of jinn and humans, if you can pass through the bounds of the heavens and the earth, go ahead and pass, you will not pass except with authorization.
So you can't do it without Awa's permission. Oh, so you just gotta get a slip. Yeah, you need a pink slip. You gotta get the big man to sign him off on that. Yep, it's like going on a school field trip. You gotta get your parents to sign it.
I don't think that's unreasonable. No, I think that's totally fair. It can really get out of hand. It's best if you just get a law, like, quick, like, do you have a second? Can you just check off that I can quantum shift today? Yeah, I think that's totally fair. That's totally fair. You don't wanna be out of bounds. Yeah, I think if I were a god, I think that I would make a similar rule. I'd have at least one rule about shifting. Yeah. That's fair. I think that that's true. Okay.
If you follow a religion, it's very unlikely that you will be able to do such things. Religion will prevent you and hold you back. You need to be spiritual and not religious. All right, this is a witch.
Fuck you, down vote. Down vote.
Oh, we have one comment, ethering Harry Singh on this, and he says, that's not what they asked. Yeah. That is not what they asked.
Someone else says, I think people are confused about what reality shifting is. People have been doing this for years. Kids from TikTok just gave it a cooler name. Reality shifting is when someone lucid dreams but has written a script about what's going to happen in their dream. Since lucid dreams aren't haram, to my knowledge, no, reality shifting is not haram. I don't know that I've heard that one before. I'm not sure I believe that. I have heard, there is a, I know there was a trend. Go on, Snopes. There was a trend recently where people on TikTok were claiming that they could reality shift, and they would just be like, sometimes I pretend that I'm Charlie Brown.
Yeah. And it was like, I don't know if that's like. I don't know if that's anything. I think it's called like, you know, imagination. Oh, look, I'm thinking of a crazy three way I'm in. Yeah. And then people would be like, I'm a heckin' witch-a-rino.
People would claim they had dreams that were so vivid that they were like years long, and it's just not true. I've had some year long dreams. You ever had some of those? You ever had a dream that keeps going to a while where you're like, I would like to wake up now. No, I don't think I have. It's stressful, honestly. But these are people who, they would say like, it would be like someone being like, a teenager who's in high school, and being like, I just had a dream that lasted 10 years, and I was married and had children, and I woke up and I mourned my children, who I thought were real.
And it's just like, no, you didn't. Bro, I did those all the time back then. Yeah? Yeah.
You'd have a 10 year dream? It's exhausting. It doesn't feel like you got any sleep, to be honest. You wake up and you're just like, still mad about your kid's college professor. Is that real? Yeah, because he's so woke in your dream.
There's a Republican podcast. Thanks. I ruined the cracked YouTube.
Here's a cracked fact, you gotta stand for the national anthem. Is Batman real? Why won't they stand? Why doesn't Spider-Man stand for the anthem? He's often crouched. Spider-Man was friends with police officers in the first game, but now he's not?
Is this wokeness? Is this wokeness gone amok?
Remember when Spider-Man in, I think the first Sam Raimi movie, it has that moment where he jumps in front of the American flag and it bears behind him? That was out of control. What was that? The part where all of the New Yorkers moved the crane so that he could swing better, and they're like, if you mess with one of us in New York. You mess with all of us. That was when I decided I gotta move here.
One of us is Spider-Man. He's every guy you meet on the street, the one in four are Spider-Man. I have a Spider-Man poster in my bedroom.
You've seen this? Wow, I wish I was you. It's the- I bet your wife loves that. It's so cool.
Well, it's from the first Sam Raimi movie, and it's from before 9-11. So it's the one where in the reflection of his eye, you can see the World Trade Center, and then they destroyed all of those. Actually, nothing is in Spider-Man's eye.
It's the Green Goblin, which is even worse than 9-11. Well, if you think of the number of people the Green Goblin has killed, and we can't get into who's worse, Green Goblin or 9-11 today, but- That could be our question at the end.
Okay, yeah, that's good.
Who was worse? What was worse for New York City?
Green Goblin or 9-11? Did Green Goblin kill more than 3,000 people? We're gonna look into it. How many of them were from Boston? 9-11 didn't have those bombs that if you hit people with them, they disintegrate. How many people got a call the Green Goblin would be there that morning?
This is gonna be our last episode on the channel. Probably, it's for the best.
Oh.
We'll never re-record this. What is this question?
I went to an atheist club, and when I recited any text from the Bible, the atheists fell off their chair and frantically covered their ears, which proves atheists are insecure about their own beliefs. What do atheists have to say for themselves? They all yelled, ree, as I spoke the word of the Lord.
No, no, no! No! my shallow spiritual vision of the world.
That's right, this is a Republican podcast. You need God. I guess what atheists would have to say for themselves, if we had one here and we don't, we're a Republican, God-fearing podcast.
This is what happens when I have a sword for an episode. Jeremy had a sword for one second. I have a weapon and I'm like, I'm a conservative now.
Jeremy is a conservative Muslim and I am a arch-evangelical, and together we are, we're speaking to atheists and we're exposing them. So I would guess- That was coughed, choked on this fucking seltzer. Please, inshallah.
There's no running toilets in this building.
Yeah, I'm still burnt. Do you think maybe that's why he was yelling in the other room, is because there's a key? I feel like that could be it.
Anyway, so we're- No way, that's why. Okay, we're doing the podcast.
I think if atheists, they had texts from the Bible, what texts are gonna set an atheist off, I guess? What do you mean? Well, like what part of the Bible's gonna make you fall off a chair? I honestly don't know anything about the Bible. I don't know. Yeah, you only know about the Quran.
Yes. Okay, so I would say probably the parts where Jesus is betrayed for silver. Sure. That part's pretty upsetting. Don't say that. I think we all fell off our chair the first time we heard that. Me too, yeah. For sure. Job.
Or those parts where the devil tempts the Lord so many times. Well, I don't believe in the devil, but he does tempt me often. He has many temptations. I really want- He will offer you all the kingdoms of man.
Imagine how good this podcast would be if I could play the guitar really well. Oh, we'd be famous. Would that be sick? Yeah, if I was just like- If it was this exact same conversation, but with just like an opium den track in the background. Yes.
Jeremy is learning how to play guitar.
Live on it. And we can't just play that music. No, people want it live. They can tell when there's soul.
Can I find royalty-free guitar music? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want you to read the answers to the question, please. Royalty-free guitar music. Such a thing does not exist. You can't find that kind of stuff on YouTube. No copyright guitar background music.
That seems promising. Is low-T making you miss out on life? Fucking shit, my ass. What happens if you play an ad in the audio for your show on YouTube? Does like the law explode after that? I don't know. Okay. Well, let's read the comments. This says- As an atheist, I say you're a wan. Yeah. Here, go for it.
And as a liar, you are breaking one of the 10 commandments of your God and will be deemed, I'm sorry, and will be denied entry to heaven. Exodus 2015. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Oh shit. Did the chair breaker, did you just organically fall out of the chair for no reason? This is unhinged today. I was doing a bit, I was doing a bit. I was doing a Chris Farley style bit. It was so believable, I got scared.
You're going to be denied entry to heaven, you keep acting like this. Now, let me read you another passage, Revelation 21, 27. This show, by the way, getting more Christian by the way, we just read the Bible for like 45 minutes last week on the bonus. Okay, there shall be, excuse me, Revelation 21, 27, but there shall be no means to enter it, anything that defiles or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
So I hope that clears up a lot of the stuff we're talking about today. I'm going to turn off this music, it sucks.
I hope they didn't find my poop. I really tried to, they told me that bathroom was working before I went in there. And I think I was set up, I think I was set up by one of my enemies. Yeah, I think you did. I mean, I peed in the other one. You peed in the other one? You said the bathroom's not working.
Rob said, you have to use the other one. Anything goes back there, he said. To me, he said, oh, right. So he was trying to set up one of us for sure.
I'm going to be in fucking jail when this comes out. That's why they keep yelling.
I mean, it's gross, man. It's really gross.
And it just shows a lack of something. It shows a lack of something when it shows.
They're going to fire me from the building. I'm not going to be allowed back in because I'm going to be Mr. Poop something. We're going to be back in Alex's apartment. It's a mix of like, we did this crazy offensive episode where we praised Donald Trump and all this other stuff. And then Alex took a huge fucking shit and didn't flush it. They're going to be like, get the fuck out of here.
I can't stop hiccuping. Yeah, it's because you're scared. Or is it the rule for hiccups that you need to become scared? Yeah, you got to scare it out of yourself.
All right, I got to grab water again. I'm sorry. Oh, there is none. Yeah, you're not grabbing shit at your goddamn, I'm going to read quarters, you bitch. All right, I'll go see if there's water. I'll be back. I got bad news.
So I went out to get some water and I walked by the bathroom and like 30 construction workers just walked in. And I swear to God, I got one of the construction workers walked out of the bathroom and threw up on the ground. Just like not even into a trashcan, just on the ground.
I see you're having a laugh at our situation and I don't find it funny. I don't find it funny.
Alex is like, I'll take things that didn't happen for 500. He's reading a core comment again.
From Emily Doyle, a nice Jewish girl. Nice Jewish girl, let's see what her deal is. I'm all for open debate and the exchange of ideas in good faith.
But if you post blatant misinformation in my mentions, I'll delete it. Rather than engage, that's not too much of a threat, really. No, it's like not a big deal. It's kind of like if you post something I don't like, I guess I won't respond to that.
She's a contributor to slut cakes. Wow, I feel like this is- Anal-centric girls deep in ass play and pegging. What the fuck? So if you click on one of these, it's going to be somebody getting pegged.
I just want you to know that before- Do you want to see what an anal hook looks like? Yeah. Do we want to? I mean, it's not in anybody. Yeah. I mean, it looks like a fish hook. Do you want to know how to treat a white girl? All right, this is going to be- That's just going to be porn, right? You should click one. Well, this is- Just to know. I don't want to click that one. Oh, yeah.
No, they're all gross. They're all really gross.
All right, Emily Doyle. I mean, I feel bad that we read that on the air, but also it says that you're a contributor and it's featured on your page. It's featured on your page. All of this information is just frankly like displayed on the internet. And so it feels like there's no rules against reading it.
You're a software engineer. You live in Washington, DC and you have contributed 22 items to slut cakes. Damn, son. And the boneyard. You're pretty much the admin of slut cakes.
There's a lot of porn. There's more porn on Quora than I realized until this very moment.
Yeah, what's the dog one? This one's about- Click on the dog one. No, you said there's something about dogs.
Oh, because it's the boneyard. Oh, I like this. No one knows about Donald Trump, sexuality, COVID-19, masturbation, Judaism. The five powers combined to summon- Oh, it keeps going. Woman's underwear, pornography, democracy, skydiving, non-monogamy, Washington, DC. Yeah, there's one thing I know about that. It's Washington, DC, baby. Home of the empire.
What do you want me to read? What's up? More lines for Jesus, is it? No, go to the next question. Oh, okay.
I'm so thrown off that I- I don't know what is happening to you. I'm losing my mind. I'm not happy about this. You're having like a full body seizure right now.
Okay, our next segment is Forbidden Knowledge. God dammit. That's not real. You're not really being pulled over. Forbidden Knowledge. Welcome to Forbidden Knowledge, the hub of the unknown.
This question is, can a fully blind person be addicted to porn? So we're gonna talk about this for at least 45 minutes. Yeah, for sure they can. Why wouldn't they? I mean, you can't see it. So what is porn to a blind person? They describe it. That's from the Bible.
What is porn to a blind man? What is VR porn to the man with no retinas? Only he whose penis can fit through the eye of a needle may make it into heaven. May he with the straw dick be the first to watch VR porn on his blind eyes. Can a fully blind person be addicted to porn?
So you gotta be an ASMR guy? Yeah, I imagine you can listen to like jerk off instructions. Yeah, sure. Yeah, jerk off instructions. Bring it up. Take it down. Isn't that a thing? Swish it all around. It's jerk off instructions.
Alex is gonna start doing this on the side. Hey everybody, start slinging it. It's Alex Patak here. Start slinging it. Hey everybody, Alex Patak from many podcasts.
What you're gonna wanna do is just go to town on your hog right now. This is Craig's first erotica instruction video and I just wanted to tell you, freaking go nuts down. Oh yeah, go off on your dick. Yeah, you can have as many eyes as you want to go crazy or your little pussy.
Yeah, so if someone is blind, they're probably jacking off to that. Maybe this. They could, in theory, be listening to this right now and jacking off to it. And many are.
Let me read this answer so you can take a minute to master these hiccups here. Why do I have hiccups so bad?
I don't know. I feel like it's that you're nervous or something. I'm not. You keep getting them while we are recording. I know. What does it mean? I don't know.
Maybe, see, we were gonna ask that question about, what was it? What's worse, 9-11 or the Green Goblin? See, that's a better question than why does Jeremy keep getting hiccups.
But I do want to consult a medical person about it. Okay, let me read this question. Aaron James, who has been dealing with blindness since press says, oh, absolutely.
We have computers and phones with screen readers. We read and sometimes write erotica. We go on sites like Pornhub and YouPorn to look for things to listen to. We book them.
That's gotta be so weird. That's gotta be, because the thing about porn is that very little attention is usually given to what it sounds like. And I bet it's all over the place. It's not great audio engineering.
Although, they do have great foley on when the lady says, bang bros. I'll give them that. What do they say? She goes like, bang bros.
Ooh, that's hot. Yeah, it's like that. So other than that, I feel like it's probably all over. It's just like a series of slamming noises. That makes me want to bang a bro. Yeah, I gotta get on to my brother's... All right, now it's weird.
Nevermind, I'm gonna cut that out. All right, cut out this whole episode.
So the thing is, I'm continuing reading this blind guy's porn post. We own sites like Pornhub and YouPorn. We listen to things to listen to where we bookmark to try our hardest to download our favorites, just like sighted folks. Now, first of all, I'm gonna take a moment to step back here and say, if you're downloading in 2023- You're not doing it like sighted folks. You're not doing it like sighted folks, because you don't have to download shit. If you're downloading anything, you're a mark. Why are you paying for porn? Or you're blind? I guess that's ableist to take a stance on downloading porn.
It's just this person, that's what he says. Yeah, he's obsessed with porn, it sounds like. He's probably a subscriber. We're talking about a premium subscriber who's supporting the industry.
There's a period in my lifetime, a few years back, when I thought I was struggling with this. Porn and sex just took up a lot of time and space in my mind. I got unbelievably angry when I couldn't find new material to listen to. I got so upset when I couldn't find any good erotica to read. I got so extremely upset when they charged one of the porn sites so it can't work with screen readers anymore, or changed. I cried so much when I dropped a hard drive of mine and lost over 36 gigabytes of porn I had collected over the years.
So this guy is actually addicted to porn. He has a library. You know the TikTok craze about porn addiction? It's when men be looking at broads or whatever.
This guy, if you don't have 36 gigabytes, I feel like you're maybe okay. If you've got a smaller hard drive. Or, to be fair, maybe he's shooting it in like 8K. Yeah, if he's got 4K vids. Each one of these videos is like 150 gigabytes. So it could just be like half a quarter. I have a solid two hour podcast of porn on my hard drive. That could be like 500 gigabytes.
But he's dropping it and crying.
So I guess the answer is a definitive yes. I could not be caught dead with porn downloaded on my computer. What is it, 2002? What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know he's addicted to porn. I don't remember what I was gonna say. You know what else pisses me off?
The changes they made to porn sites. We have to be verified to post videos. He just goes on like a little rant at the end. Yeah, this guy is fully addicted to porn. I understand why they did that, but now a lot of my content is deleted or unavailable until the user verifies their account. Some of those videos are uploaded years ago so there's a small chance the owner will even remember or want to be verified. So he's saying like the porn that he likes to jack off to isn't like available anymore.
I guess what I liked about this question is it was written like a Sphinx's riddle and it really was just like, hey, blind porn addict here. I can't get enough. They sent me to jail. I like to hear the moans. Quora is the best place to be a blind porn addict because it is all erotic prompts. It's all people doing erotica poetry slams together.
Yeah, you should just read one of those books about like how Bigfoot like goes down on a woman. That's how it sounds. I need you to get blurry down there. Oh. Down there. That's interesting. That's what they're saying to Bigfoot. If it's a Japanese porn, he'll be extra blurry on his dick.
We can't. I can't.
Is that bad? I mean, it's not bad. I mean, is it bad to get sucked off by Bigfoot? I guess is the question. That's just porn math. I think it's bad.
He's blurry. They blur the penises. You're right. His penis would be extra blurry or maybe it'd be crystal clear. You're being logical about it and my emotional brain is getting triggered because I'm being soy. If you put Bigfoot into Japanese porn, he's all blurry and his dick is fucking 8K. Yeah, you can see every frame of the dick. Yeah, all the pores on his cock.
So this has really been an enlightening question. Thank you for writing that on Quora.com. Yeah, and you're welcome. And you're welcome for us finding it for you and curating it. All right, this next one is Quora Romance.
I'm so bad at my job. Yeah, let me do it. Let me do it. I know I can't speak anymore, which is like the most important thing for an audio medium, but I can click the button.
Welcome to Quora Romance. These are your love questions, your relationship questions, your questions of the heart. Now, a few weeks ago with our good friend from Radio Free Toe Bag, we did a full relationship questions episode.
If you enjoy this one, check it out. But today's question is- Of the Donovan episode, I should say, because it's in the title. It's not in the title.
This question is, how did you enjoy your first uncut taste? Now, you might think this is not about penises, but guess what it is. It is. What else would it be about? It's about uncircumcised penises. I'm trying to think of a food that this could apply to, an uncut food. So I guess- I guess if you just ate this through the skin of like a coconut or something, that could be an uncut taste. Usually we try to answer the questions before we read the answers. So I guess, Alex, how did you enjoy your first uncut taste?
I'd love to lie about this on camera, but I guess I just, I haven't had one. I haven't had one. All the guys I've been sucking up outside the highway are fully circumcised Christian men.
Yeah, I think it's nice. It's a meatier, a whole meatier taste. Ah, yeah. It's got like a nutty, a nuttier. That's like the difference between barbecue sauce and ketchup. Sure, dude. Yeah, it's like when people say like, oh, like- Smokey. You know, you gotta use spices and stuff. Oh yeah.
That's how the sweat really seeps into the penis. I know a white boy hasn't been cooking with his uncut penis because the spices are missing.
That's right.
Thank you for backing me up on that. Anyway, what are the responses to this? You have to read this first one because I'm going to not make it through. You're going to masquerade. I got you. Read this first one. This is from Dana PBC, which is- Bi senior with ED. Oh, interesting. Okay, I'm trying to think of what PBC could be.
I don't know. I do not understand what is happening to you right now. I'm falling apart. I wouldn't be surprised if you like irrationally exploded all of a sudden. I feel bad. It's very frustrating. Sudden combustion.
I'm going to have to edit this episode. I don't know how it will be done, but anyway. I'll do it.
Dana PBC was a bi senior with ED. He says, first was through a glory hole. I gently pulled the foreskin back towards the head of merge.
Okay, I'm not sure if we can actually read all of these, but the point is that this person seems to really enjoy it. Well, you're not going to read this one. I thought that maybe it would be, no, it gets a lot worse than the first sentence. So bad. It gets, it says a bunch of things that I feel like if I say, will twinkly turn into blind porn. So I guess all I'll say is that they seem to love it. The pre-cum sentence. There's no part of this that is okay to read. Okay, I now get the pre-cum by holding this shaft and digging.
No, no, no, I'm saying, wait, where the fuck are you reading? Why are you reading? What part of this is okay to read?
There was an aroma that was so exotic. I felt like I was in a train. My lips opened and my tongue looked it all off.
All right, now we've pretty much read the whole thing. 30% more thrill when sucking. I love the math. We boiled it down to the numbers and we're looking at up to 30% folks. I love to have a little business chart.
You got to pop the banana open. Well, I mean, read this next one. All right, this is from Kyle who studied at Hot Loads. It's explicit on iTunes. I feel like we're clear there. Well, he wasn't fully erect so I rolled it back like peeling a banana and very delicious and then a yummy emoji. And that's what a degree in Hot Loads will get you is that kind of a prose.
Okay, Hank says I've never sucked an uncut cock. Also, he's a BS in psychology and mathematics at the University of Houston in 1973.
But I prefer the look, feel of cut. Uncut turns me off. I like looking, tasting that lovely cock head. I just prefer the look and feel of cut.
Well, you're missing up to 30% of the pleasure, Hank. I think you should check it out. Why is there a bunch of photos of dogs with their heads being scratched? I guess that's like the next thing people are clicking after this question. All right, well, here's a erotic description of uncut taste and then a dog with a head scratcher.
But I'm surprised nobody is clowning on this question and it is just like an active forum. It's all just gay men being like, well, let me tell ya.
It's good, eh, I didn't like it, it wasn't for me. You know, they say that uncut cock is kind of like the cilantro of genitals. Oh yeah, acquired taste. For some people, it just tastes like soap. Yeah, which is weird because it's a full human penis.
Yep. Well, it seems like two-thirds of men enjoy it as far as we can tell. Hell yeah, baby. No women answering that question. All right, let's go on to Quilosophy. Quilosophy's the same sound. It's the same. Sorry, it's just like a really overlapping subject down there. All right, what screams I'm low class? Okay, I really liked this answer. When we started the show, we did a lot of list answers. Yeah, it's true. Quora, we did rules for men, I think is our second episode.
And this has around 20 things that are low class and they are quite all over the spectrum. So this was everybody in the comments and a lot of people are just saying offensive things. They're just like, we're in bling all the time. And then other people are just like going to Duke. Ha ha, ha ha ha. And that's kind of a posh character who's entered the chat. Probably taking a huge shit in a bathroom and then not flushing it or fixing the problem in any way. So what screams I'm low class?
This is an answer from Deanne Robinson who is a design engineer. And she says, one, not washing, bathing every day or two with soap. Boom. That's fair enough.
Two, not cleaning your teeth. Nothing says low class like green teeth. Don't think that's what happens. If they're green, that's pretty low class.
Number three, carrying a spit cup with you everywhere. Uh oh, tobacco. This one's a bit more unusual than the first two, I gotta say. This one's a specific chewing tobacco thing. It's a chewing tobacco thing? I was on a wrestling team in high school and we had a guy who was really into it and he would just spit into a cup all day and it was kind of an aesthetic thing for him. Like a tobacco thing or you just spit?
He would spit to lose the water weight. Oh, well that guy's an idiot. Well, it screams low class to me. Was he a low class guy? He was a low weight class.
Number four, extremely strong scent. This is a bingo class. Either body odor or perfumes colognes. So those are kind of opposite. I.E. if people can smell you before they see you, that's low class. I mean, yeah, they shouldn't, that's bad. By the time you smell me, it's already too late.
Yeah, you could see him.
Number five, never washing your clothes. Very similar to the other ones. Number six, never washing your hair again. Number seven, not sleeping with sheets on the bed.
Low class. Can't even afford sheets. Ah, number eight, letting your dog bark incessantly and disturbing the neighbor's piece. I feel like that's the dog being low class. That dog is low class. You need a classy dog.
You gotta act like you've been there before. And by there, I mean the backyard.
Number nine, playing extremely loud music in public at all times of day or night. Most people like to go camping to hear the crickets, not death metal rap cranked all the way up. I hate when I go camping and people are blasting death metal rap. It's like I'm at a corn concert here in the woods. I do hate when people play loud music in public, I will admit, but I don't think I've ever gone camping and heard death metal rap. Yeah, this has never been a problem for me camping.
Number 10, shooting at signs. Say it louder. That's pretty low class of you to take a gun out and shoot at a sign. Yeah, yeah, don't do that. If you're a classy gentleman, simply mocks his kale and ends the hunt.
Right. Number 11 is bragging about how drunk or high you got last night. I think that's pretty cool. That's fine. Yeah, I think that's normal and actually cool and based. That's sick as hell. I'm so hungover. I love hearing about how fucking twisted you got. Me too.
Number 12, destroying the hard work of someone else. I'm sorry, the hiccups are funny. Driving through someone's front lawn or defacing art. Alex, let me just say, I fucking hope it is. Cause if it's not, it's going to be a rough one. I think you're dying. I don't know what's happening.
I've always thought that hiccups was a disease that only babies could get. I understand it's not a disease.
Yeah, you got SIDS live on air. I feel like someone needs to like burp me after this. No, stop. For the audio listener. I'm cured. For the audio listener, I started hitting Jeremy. Okay.
Don't drive on a lawn or I guess destroy fine art at the Louvre. Unless you're Banksy and it's your art and you pressed a button that makes it cut in half. Yeah, then that's actually higher art. But number 13 is mocking someone else for striving to get out of poverty by getting good grades and speaking English with proper grammar. Boom, don't do that.
This person just read J.D. Vance and was like, yeah, I got a list for you. I got around 20 things that are low class.
The, what's it, the hillbilly. Hillbilly Elegy. Yeah, it's a film. Shoot, yeah, check out Hillbilly Elegy, sponsor of the show. They're shooting at signs because they're low class and they're carrying around a spit cup.
All right, number 14 is yelling at someone waiting on you in any capacity. Sure, true, actually. Yelling at someone waiting. Like a waiter, I think. If you're rude to waitstaff, genuinely I think that's your piece of shit. You gotta treat waitstaff like you are also the waiter and Jesus is the waiter and that's why they have one set of footprints.
And leave room for him when you hug. And leave room for him at the dance.
Number 15, belittling strangers publicly for perceived faults and imperfections. Hey, green teeth. You know, if you said something like that instead of writing it on Quora where it's safe.
Number 17, fighting in public. Either arguing or physical altercations.
Well, fucking, I'm gonna kill myself. Jeremy, can you make it through number 21? Can you make it without an hiccup? I don't think I can. I need to get scared. We have to play the maze game. It's a tough medium to have the hiccups for, I gotta say. There's very little you could do about it. I think it's because I choked, I laughed while swallowing seltzer. It's happened to you like 100 times while you've done this. I know, it's not fair. Really falling apart here. I need to go to the doctor.
Don't you want to hear these other low class options? I do. Oh my god, it's having hiccups while recording a podcast? It doesn't say that. That's the kind of industry talk.
Number 18's abusing people or animals. Yeah. And it's low class to become a serial killer, Hannibal Lecter style, I believe. Number 21, wetting your bed. Number 22, being left-handed. I don't know why. Oh, because of serial killers? Yeah, I see. Whatever it is.
That's a classy joke, Jeremy. Thank you. You're a well-read guy. Hiccup. Your teeth are spotless.
Number 19, never offering to pay for anything when you go out. Number 20, being unaware or uncaring of people around you. Number 21, commenting how offended you are by someone else's opinion of what constitutes low class. Like, you don't like my list?
Make your own. Boom. I feel like that one was added on. I feel like that one was added on because everyone yelled at you.
People are saying adding things to the list, making everything political that's not political. It's not political. That's low class of you. Fireworks from May until still going on? That's pretty low class to shoot fireworks all the dang time. Good answer. Work hard towards your goal and dreams and you will make it exactly where you're supposed to be. Not true. That's low class to say that.
I don't think this was the funniest one, but it was pretty interesting to have this pick up. I liked it. Yeah, I liked it.
Deann Robinson, she's born in the Middle East, grew up in Alaska, graduated high school in Indonesia. Now she lives in Arizona.
Mr. Worldline over here. Yeah.
Her spaces are possum cats, unashamed cat addicts, and anal lovers. It's not anal lovers, didn't hit that up. Deann Robinson has never visited or contributed 22 times to anal lovers.
To slut whatever it was. I believe it was slut kittens. Something like that. I don't think there was an animal aspect to it. I think it was just like slut space.
We're here to respect all walks of life here. Yeah dude, if you love doing anal, go for it. We're just two betas who run a podcast. Let's end on a funny one and call it a day. Okay, let's do his quirkle teachings.
Four score and seven quora's ago, we found some great political historical questions that shake the very foundations of the earth. What do we got this week?
If Einstein was so smart, why did he die? I don't know. Couldn't he have figured out a way to not die if he was so fucking smart? Has anyone figured out how to not die? Not Einstein. Yeah, way to die, Einstein. Yeah, good job getting, he didn't get hit by a car or anything, right?
He just died. Old age. He got fucked to death by a horse. It's one of the saddest things.
If you go back and watch Mr. Hands, it is Einstein. It was him and what, Queen Catherine or whatever. Yeah, and the horse is going to town on him and he's going, oh, Nein! He's not, is he German, Einstein? Albert Einstein? I think he's Austrian.
Oh, like there's a difference? Look how cool, he's German, I'm totally wrong. Don't listen to him, you piece of shit. Jeremy is a soy lib who is triggered and has hiccups and it's a big episode for Alex fans. It really fucking is, though.
I've been promoted to alpha of the podcast after today. I'm only having daughters from here on out. I'm having all the sons, I'm taking shits at public toilets and not flushing them.
Yeah, the water works, bro. He just doesn't want people to know. Yeah, talk about water works.
You should have been there when Einstein was killed by that horse. I want to see how he actually died. The way the science department was crying. I'm on his Wikipedia. I know we're not supposed to be on there, but I just want to see how he died. Go ahead and skip to the death section, I'm going to guess. Oh, here we go, death.
On April 17, 1955, Einstein experienced internal breeding caused by having sex with a horse. That's on the Wiki. Wait, what? Einstein refused surgery. He said, my ass got split wide open.
It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I've done my share, it's time to go.
I really got fucked by that horse. I came so hard. Damn, dude, that's crazy. That's from the great man himself. He discovered relativity and relatively, he got fucked by that horse. I think the issue is sometimes people are so smart that they realize that you have to get fucked by a horse.
There's no pleasure that's within the human realm. We hit them all this episode. I had hiccups, we talked about Nazis, we did bestiality.
I mean, we had to get it in there at the end. Be sure to support the show when we're back in my living room. And that's gonna be it for us this week. Thanks again. No, wait, we have to write a question. Oh, right. Well, we already know the question.
What was worse for New York City? The Green Goblin or 9-11, type that up. The Green Goblin or 9-11.
It's official. Okay, so we got it.
That's been Quarators for another week. Thanks for tuning in. We're here every Monday on crack.com, the YouTube channel, unless we are forced to leave. In the meantime, you can support the show going to patreon.com slash quarators. We put out two episodes a week.
The other one, we go on other websites. We go on TikTok, we go on Reddit. LinkedIn. Facebook.
It's kind of hard to find those ones because there's not all bad shit insane like on Quora, but we do it anyway and we do it just for you, baby. We do it just for you.
Honestly, I think those episodes come out really good. I think they're beautiful.
And until next time, don't tell anyone who left that huge poop in the toilet. I have a sword. Ka-ching! |
dropout | the_roast_of_weed | Seriously, Weed, if it wasn't for you, I'd never learn how many desserts I could fit into one bowl. The answer is five in a burrito.
Hey, Meth's also here. You know what the cool thing about Meth is? That you can make it anywhere. Except in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Let's not be too hard on Meth. He's the only drug who's aged five years since we cut away from him.
Jesus, even I couldn't make that look good.
Well guys, it's been a blast. And I look forward to seeing you all again at Andy Dick's Christmas party.
Weed, Weed, you pathetic excuse for a drug. Seriously, your users have less balls than steroids. Let's see, who else forgot? Oh, Adderall, is that you? Adderall, buddy, I haven't seen you since college. Adderall, the only drug that makes you stay up all night so you can't have fun. And Opium, how the hell did you hear about this?
Telegram? And look, Shrooms is here. Kind of. Hey, ecstasy, give him a poke, make sure he's still alive. I said poke, not a full body cavity, sir. Jesus. My God, somebody toss that kid a glow stick or something.
Seriously, Weed, I don't know what we'd do without you. Besides move out of our parents' basement. Next up, don't call it a flashback. Straight from the pocket of your uncle's denim jacket, it's LSD. You know, the funny thing about Weed is there's always a giant spider demon standing three feet behind him. This next joke is just for the spiders under my skin. Alright, okay, moving on. Next up, he might not be the most popular drug here tonight, but he has the best celebrity endorsements. Give it up for cocaine! Hey, yeah, I'm here. Just had to use the bathroom real quick. Peyote came all the way from Mexico to be here. He said the trip was really uncomfortable because he had a condom full of me stuffed up his ass. Weed, you make Tim and Eric funny. Frozen pizza tastes good and fish sound like music. Is there anything you can't do besides get a job? Weed, you may have a TV show, and, meth, you may have a good TV show, but I had a whole decade.
She don't lie.
Me! It's Eric Clapton! Hey, what's up, everybody? It's me, heroin. When did you get out of jail?
Weed's here. Weed's so great.
I bet he'd lend me $500. Meth's here. Meth's so great, I bet he'd lend me $500.
Are you wearing a wire? Everybody freeze! I didn't do anything wrong. Look, everyone here is over 21. Except for weapons, but yeah, he had a really good fake.
Shut up. You, tobacco, and ambient can leave. Oh, thank God. Now, as for the rest of you, you're all going away for a long, long... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_bowen_yang_bowen_s_straight | Oh My. God. We're here to watch Bowen's Straight. So here's Heidi and a Go just writing with the Sydney sweetie, I have like an itsy-bitsy crush on someone here, I think let me pick it. No, that's for the heads. that's for the Lenny heads. Yes. y'all are giving girl dumbass.
I don't know. he's just so funny and he's sweet, but obviously can't be anything girl. you should absolutely go for it. But isn't he?
Okay, no. Bowen's straight. yeah, straight as they come. Bowen's Straight run through a really harrowing journey to conception because Gary Richardson, one of the writers here, pitched it to me the week that Anna De Armas hosted last season, and we wrote a version called Bowen's By for Dakota Johnson that had this wedding scene at the end when I first met you, I thought you were gay. We decided to shelve it and then Sydney came in, hosted and then we pitched it to her and she was so game and we ran it in her dressing room. and even in the part of the script where it says Sydney shoots Bowen like a furtive look, I felt like I was electrocuted.
I was like, oh my God. No, like something was really shocking about someone like her shooting you a seductive look and then we did it at table. It was great. Wow.
I had no idea God walks past them. hey, when I'm at work, gotta cut out the babe stuff, Okay, okay, is that Gina Gershon? I think one of the craziest things about this is that I had seen Gina Gershon at an event at Carnegie Hall that Monday. We were there singing We Shall Overcome with Joan Baez on stage. It was surreal and then as we were writing this, Gary Richardson said, i think I have an idea for like another hot lady of like a different ilk that could come in and like make out with Bowen. What about Gina Gershon? And I was like, this is crazy.
I just got her number down on Monday. she was such a good sport about it. She looks amazing.
We pushed for an intimacy coordinator. We went down and told her how comfortable are you with this? If at any point you change your mind, you can totally change your mind. you can cut anything you want. we can lose the love scene all together And she touches my arm and goes Bowen.
I'm on euphoria her rolling her eyes back. She's such a good actor. I think everyone should know this and this is how cool she is. Sydney Sweeney came in that week being like everyone, please make fun of my boobs. I think she said give America what they want and we did that at that point I went. She's the real deal. she is here to stay. she gets it. she has it. I'm very grateful to her. |
TheOnion | O_SPAN_Classic_CIA_Accidentally_Overthrows_Costa_Rica | One final item, I've been informed that the CIA has accidentally overthrown the government of Costa Rica. The country was a thriving democracy, therefore the CIA intervention was a small mistake. For those of you who are interested in the details, over the past several days, clandestine American agents had been overthrowing various governments in Central America, including Guatemala, Honduras, Cambodia, British Honduras, Nicaragua, and Panama. After the British Honduras overthrow, several of our agents met at a CIA airstrip in the Costa Rican jungle. And as they did not receive an official hold and do not overthrow order, they organized an anti-government militia, of course, and proceeded to topple the government.
So a little miscommunication there. At any rate, an agent sent a telegram to Langley, which reads that it was a busy day, I do not remember at all. In the morning, I thought I had lost my wallet. Then we went swimming and either overthrew a government or started a pro-American radio station I can't really remember. So there you have it.
Yes? Has there been any statement from the deposed leader of that nation? No, unfortunately, by the time the error was discovered, his larynx had been cut and his body was afloat in the San Juan River. There was a statement by the Prime Minister of El Salvador condemning the overthrow, so a couple of the boys went up to El Salvador and took care of him. Yes, sir? Will these agents face any disciplinary action?
No, I think that would be a bit harsh. These men are good at overthrowing, and they brought such great pictures back, wonderful ruins, a lot of very interesting birds. You can't punish that, so no, these things happen. There was another time we installed a chimpanzee as president of Honduras. That wasn't really a mistake, of course, that was just for fun. So no, we had moved on to other overthrows. |
dropout | if_the_10_commandments_were_written_today | Ugh, $9 for a latte and a muffin? Is that guy seriously vaping inside? Oh, M.G., the Wi-Fi is so slow. What is wrong with the world? What's up? I'm sick!
You know it. Where have you been? You look so lumber chic. I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail for the past 40 days, but I heard the voice of God. He gave me these two tablets. Did he push the warranty on you? You know, he didn't.
But he did give me these updated Ten Commandments to share with the modern world. Good, because everything is the worst. Commandment one, thou shalt not say everything is the worst. Oh, I feel like an idiot. Yeah, well, you should, okay? Because there's really terrible things happening in the world.
Your low cell phone battery isn't one of them. Commandment two, thou shalt use headphones when listening to music on public transportation. But the ones you put in your ears hurt. My ears are so tiny. Then use the over the ear kind.
Commandment number three, thou shalt not spoil major plot points of TV shows and movies. What if the show's really old? Yeah, well, okay, so God does allow for a statute of limitations there. Anything older than six months is fine. You know, it's up to thou to keep thyself up to date. Commandment four, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife unless thou art in an open, ethical, polyamorous relationship.
Yeah, I'm very open-minded to how hot that is. How does anybody even make those work? Okay, well, it's not up to thou to understand how it works, okay? Thou just has to respect it and chill. Cool, cool. Number five, honor thy mother and father with a video chat at least once a month. But they don't know how to use the cameras. It's all like foreheads and ceilings. Okay, they gave you life. It's literally the least you can do.
Is that the real literally or the fake one? The real literally.
God took care of cursing? Yeah, he fucking invented it. Fuck yeah.
Number seven, thou shalt not share an article that thou only read the headline on. What if you totally got the gist of it? No, and you don't. Commandment eight, thou shalt not text thine to call thou and then not answer when thine call thou. I'm confused. Yeah, it's how he wrote it. It's like, don't text me to call you and then when I call you, you don't pick up. Could've said that. Nine, thou shalt use thy turn signals while driving. But it's hard to push the blinker. My hands are so tiny. No one can read your mind. It's a common courtesy, all right? You're weirdly concerned about your small body parts. Number 10, thou shalt not worship false idols.
No, not Wi-Fi. We love Wi-Fi. Don't touch it.
Oh, oh, I'm getting a text from God. Game dropper. The God? What'd he say? He says, hey Moses, I've been thinking about it. Gonna add an 11th commandment.
Everything is literally the word. Wait, is that the real literally or the fake one? It's the real one. I know how to use the word.
You know what, Cynthia? What? Shut up. You shut up. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bobby_moynihan_on_youtube_snl | That's only 4%. Youtube recently announced that it would venture into the movie rental business, offering downloadable films for a small fee.
Here to comment is Weekend Update New Media Correspondent Bobby Moynihan. Hey! good to have you here, Bobby. what up, Seth? how are you, man? Good, good.
Okay. So, I've been researching this story for some time now, but, uh. dude, can I just show you a clip I found on Youtube first? it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. it'll just take a second. yeah, I mean, is it gonna be like that one you showed me the other day? Oh, dude, it's like a bazillion times better than that, right? Okay, fine. okay, you are gonna flip out, I swear. Okay. okay. okay. oh. sorry, it's loading. Oh, okay. it'll just take a second. I'm sorry. it's probably like the wi-fi in the studio. Yeah, okay. Oh, here we go. Hey, you are gonna freak out when you see this.
Okay, it's just a guy dancing. Well, I mean, that's not it. I mean, because something is about to happen to him, but just wait. Oh, just wait. this is gonna be so good. Oh. okay, he's still just dancing. Well, I mean, he is right now. I mean, look at him. he's so full of himself right now, but wait till you.
Oh, watch. watch. watch. Get ready. this is so funny. Watch.
Oh, wait. it's buffering. Oh, shoot. it's buffering. Yeah. it's buffering. Yeah, no. I mean, it's buffering. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. You know what? why don't you just bring it back when it's done buffering? No, no. It's so worth it. trust me. it is hilarious. it's. here we go. Oh, he's gonna get his cumuppance. Okay, it's buffering, Yeah? Oh! Oh, wait. just a few more seconds. Oh, it's buffering. Yeah, it's buffering.
Oh, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
Shoot. it froze. Yeah, it froze. Wait. it's frozen.
Bobby Moynihan, ladies and Gentlemen. you did? you made it with correspondence. Hey, hey, hey, hey. |
SaturdayNightLive | massa_exit_interview_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | On March 5, 2010, New York Congressman Eric Massa resigned from office. First, he said he was sick. then he said his fellow Congressmen were railroading him because of his stance on health care. Then he blamed the toxic atmosphere of Washington, D.c. sort of a catch-all excuse.
Then he admitted to groping and tickling his young male aides, but said it wasn't sexual. Then it was revealed that he was living with his young male aides because he didn't pay them enough money to afford their own apartments. Then his former shipmates in the Navy came forward and said that Massa had been sexually harassing his coworkers even then. And to describe the nature of his sexual harassment, I'm not kidding. they used the term snorkeling.
That is the story of Eric Massa. this is his exit interview. Congressman Massa, thanks for coming in. the pleasure is all mine. So, Congressman, as you know, my job is to ask about the events that led to your resignation. Well, ask away, but I think you'll discover it was all normal guy stuff. just guys living with guys, messing around guy style. Okay, well, keep in mind, we have also interviewed some members of your staff. uh-oh! Congressman Massa, did you ever grope any of your staffers? of course! I grope them all the time. I'm a Congressman. you know how we do. But it wasn't sexual. it was just your everyday run-of-the-mill tickle fight between a middle-aged elected official and his much younger staff. perhaps you could elaborate?
Happily, because I have nothing to hide. for instance, take the night of my 50th birthday. My 50th birthday.
Get away, Congressman! Stop it! Oh, did you say tickle me more? No, I said the opposite! is it somebody's birthday? uh-oh! Kill the old guy! Okay, so, um, I'm sorry. you think that's appropriate behavior for a Congressman and his staffers? do you don't? no, no, I think it's the opposite.
Well, you say tickle party, I say tickle Partay. that's not how that works. if you say so. uh, Congressman, maybe you could help me with something. um, what does snorkeling mean? Oh, boy, here we go. taking a perfectly normal thing that guys do and misconstruing it to sound like a bad thing. Well, could you just explain to me what it means when someone says you were trying to snorkel them? Happily. when a group of guys live together, sometimes they pull funny pranks. Just. hey, hey, hey! what are you doing? I was snorkeling. then why was my **** in your mouth? No! no, no! so. so, as you can tell, perfectly harmless. your. your confident attitude is strange to me. you know, it's as if at any point you expect me to say, oh! and? I'm far closer to just saying, ew. hey, uh, you say snorkel and I say snorkel. no one says that. Look, you and I have different standards of what constitutes goofing around.
I was in the Navy. yes, on that point, how would you describe your time in the Navy? I guess if I had to describe my experience, I would say that. so you're good with that? Oh, I'm great with that. Do you have anything to add that's not incriminating? just that I'm very, very sorry.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
SaturdayNightLive | pedro_pascal_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Pedro Pascale! thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be here. I, uh, thank you.
I, uh, I spent the last year shooting a show called the Last of Us on Hbo. for some Hbo shows, you get to shoot in a five-star Italian resort surrounded by beautiful people, But I said, no, that's too easy. I want to shoot in a freezing Canadian forest while being chased around by a guy whose head looks like a genital wart.
It is an honor being a part of these huge franchises like Game of Thrones and Star Wars, But I'm still, I'm still getting used to, uh, people recognizing me. The other day, a guy stopped me on the street and said, my son loves the Mandalorian. And the next thing I know, I'm facetiming with a six-year-old who has no idea who I am because my character wears a mask for the entire show.
So the guy is like, just do the mando voice. But the mando voice is like a bedroom voice. without the mask, it just sounds porny.
So people walking by on the street just see me whispering to a six-year-old kid, I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold. Even though I came to the U.s. when I was little, I was born in Chile. And I have 34 first cousins who are still there. they're very proud of me. I know they're proud because they give my phone number to every single person they meet. which means every day, someone in Santiago will text me stuff like, can you come to my wedding, or can you sing my priest happy birthday? or is baby Yoda mean in real life?
So I have to be like, no, no, and his name is Grogu. my cousins weren't always so proud. early in my career, I played small parts in every crime show. I even played two different characters on Law & Order, Tito Cabasa, who looked like this. And one year later, I played Reggie Luckman, who looked like this. and that, my friends, is called Range. it is amazing to be here.
Like I said, I was born in Chile, and nine months later, my parents fled Pinochet and brought me and my sister to the U.s. They were so brave, and without them, I wouldn't be here in this wonderful country. and I certainly wouldn't be standing here with you all tonight. So to all my family watching in Chile, I just want to say. which means I love you, I miss you, And stop giving out my phone number. we've got an amazing show for you tonight. thank you very much. I'm so excited to be here. thank you.
I spent the last year shooting a show called the Last of Us on Hbo. for some Hbo shows, you get to shoot in a five-star Italian resort surrounded by beautiful people, but I said, no, that's too easy. I want to shoot in a freezing Canadian forest while being chased around by a guy whose head looks like a genital wart.
It is an honor being a part of these huge franchises like Game of Thrones and Star Wars, but I'm still. I'm still getting used to people recognizing me. the other day, a guy stopped me on the street and said, my son loves the Mandalorian. And the next thing I know, I'm facetiming with a six-year-old who has no idea who I am because my character wears a mask for the entire show.
So people walking by on the street just see me whispering to a six-year-old kid, I can bring you in warm or I can bring you in cold. Even though I came to the U.s. when I was little, I was born in Chile. and I have 34 first cousins who are still there. they're very proud of me. I know they're proud because they give my phone number to every single person they meet. which means every day, someone in Santiago will text me stuff like, can you come to my wedding? or can you sing my priest happy birthday? or is baby yoda mean in real life? So I have to be like, no, no. and his name is Grogu. my cousins weren't always so proud.
Early in my career, I played small parts in every crime scene. I even played two different characters on Law & Order. Tito Cabasa, who looked like this. And one year later, I played Reggie Luckman, who looked like this. and that, my friends, is called Range.
But it is amazing to be here. Like I said, I was born in Chile, and nine months later, my parents fled Pinochet and brought me and my sister to the U.s. They were so brave, and without them, I wouldn't be here in this wonderful country. and I certainly wouldn't be standing here with you all tonight. So to all my family watching in Chile, I just want to say, te amo, te extrano, y deja de deja deja deja me informacion Personal. which means, I love you, I miss you, And stop giving out my phone number. we've got an amazing show for you tonight. here are some stickers. thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_name_droppers | Okay, David, I am not saying that you're making it up, I'm just skeptical. Hey guys, what's going on? Pat, get this, Emily doesn't think cartwheels are an actual thing. Okay, like, it's a cartwheel. Like what? It's a flip, but it's sideways?
But yeah, it's actually totally crazy that you guys are talking about that because I was literally just today having a salad with my good friend Bradley and Cooper and we were talking about cartwheels. Wow. Oh yeah, I know Bradley Cooper totally, he's like, yeah, it's bonkers, he's really famous. No, actually the salad part, that's so crazy because I was with Kate the other day and we were buying a Hudson organic vegetables and she was all like, guys don't eat salads and I was like, what?
Emily, I'm gonna cut you off right there because you are going to love this. So I was helping my neighbor Tony move the other day and there was so much coinage, Hawk. Sorry, Pat, you are gonna love this. Okay, so I am playing tennis the other day with Andre and he wants to reschedule the giant and... Sorry, sorry, sorry, David, sorry, David, I have to tell you this, I was at my friend James' wedding the other day and Van and the DJ there, Durr, was so beak, so bad. Sorry, but you are going to love this.
Okay, so I'm hardcore brunching with Justin, Lance, Joey and JC and we're waiting for our reservation, Timberlake, Bass, Fatone, Chazay, all four members of NSYNC. Cool. Yeah, I guess like whatever, it's like no strings attached, Dom, like who cares, like 11 million albums, whatever, it's like bonkers that I know. David, Duchovny and I were at spinning class, hold on, I'm going to cut myself off here because Taylor and I were just hiking, Lautner, but Taylor Swift was also there, also Taylor Hicks, Taylor Kitsch and Taylor Jenkins, my high school math teacher, interruption.
Okay, Emily, you're going to flip out when you hear this, okay, the other day I was eating a bowl of rice and then a Roni, I was wearing a pair of blue and jeans, I was using a number two and I had pencils, using I suffered from night terrors, bonkers! Can you guys please keep it down, I'm trying to have a meeting with Sam. Oh, we're impressed, all right, you know Sam Rice, you know Sam Rice, I know you guys are really big cute, but actually I'm trying to have a meeting with Sam, so. All right, we're trying to shoot a sketch here, look, there's a camera crew and everything, and you were just a punchline that you walked through. That was the punchline, what I just said was a punchline of this sketch, yes, this is all coincidence, but you have a real meeting, oh my god, that's in the script, I didn't know that. |
dropout | the_opposite_of_a_wing_man | I think I'm going to ask Cynthia out. Dude, you totally should. I'll be your wingman. I'll be your albatross man. What? Well, you know how a wingman only talks about your best traits to make you seem like you're not vain? Sure. I'm going to be the albatross around your neck that only talks about your worst features and most embarrassing moments. No. Why would I want that? You have a nice fair balance on you and yourself.
I don't think that's a good idea.
What are you doing? Hey, hey. Hi. Hi, Cynthia. I'm glad you're here.
We're trying to make Zach feel better. You know, he just went through a breakup. I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's really sad. Like, Zach's a good guy, but I guess he's just bad at relationships.
I wouldn't say that. Huh. I would. I mean, he strung that poor girl along for three years. That's shitty. Wow, three years. What a commitment. Yeah, a commitment to a total lie.
He was really concerned about her feelings. But I think he was also concerned about his own. Like, he knew that relationship was doomed, but he's a coward.
I see. Ah ha. Trap's kidding. These two are always joking around. Yes. Thank you, Grant. That's true. Zach does love a good joke.
Like, this one time in college? You don't actually have to tell that story. Wow, so modest. I think it's a funny story. I think she'd like to hear it. So, Zach peed in all the radiators in the dorm and the whole building smelled like piss for a month. Was that true? I immediately regretted it. You know, I admire that. Here's a guy who can really learn from his mistakes. Yeah, although he had to have been a little proud of it because he told me that story just last week. Well, he's very honest. Yeah, but clearly has terrible judgment. I was young and it was like a lot of peer pressure. And that is classic Zach.
Total doormat. No spine.
Or you could say he's a people pleaser and he's always trying to make everyone happy. No matter the consequences. Just follow in orders. Not a Nazi.
You know, I'm gonna go back to work now. Hey, what if we got a drink? Hey, that sounds nice. Oh yeah, that would be perfect.
Zach loves getting drinks. It's like he's getting drinks all the time. He's a fun-loving guy. Yeah, sometimes he has a tall glass of fun for breakfast, you know? It's like he can't stop himself.
Okay, bye. Wait, wait. I know. That's exact.
No respect for your wishes to leave. Or you could say that he's passionate. Why? Maybe he's just committed to honesty. Or maybe I'm just an asshole.
Please. Please help. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_146_Pastor_Jon_Owen_Wayside_Chapel | Always good to be back in the studio mate, how are you today? I'm good, I'm good.
Would you still call these times uncertain, would you still call it uncertain times we're living in? Yeah they are always uncertain I think, especially you know with this cough going around but I think things are getting back to normal and I think the silly season's over so it's time to get back to work Clancy. Our guest today works in I guess you'd say an area where you never really sleep so there's no really coming back to work because you never really leave work, particularly over the Christmas period.
We're joined today by Father John Owen, Pastor and CEO of Wayside Chapel, one of the kind of most well known and I guess iconic inner city street ministries, is that the term you'd use Father John? Yeah that's one of the ways we can refer to it, it's been out there since the 60s. And how long have you been with Wayside? Been there nearly five years.
If you don't mind me asking, this is for the listeners on the tractor, the closest thing you would have to Wayside Chapel out there in the bush would be probably the CWA but in town there's a lot more people and there's a lot more vulnerable people. The Wayside Chapel provides support to those that you see in the street when you pull into town, when you kind of go to places like King's Cross or Woolamaloo, you've got to wonder where is the support net, if there is one, for at risk people. Wayside Chapel does provide a semblance of the kind of support that people need down at the very bottom and how did you find yourself in this kind of role?
I don't think anyone ever sets out to do this kind of gig, you kind of stumble into it through a whole bunch of experiences and so part of my journey is kind of growing up and trying to fumble my way forward as a little immigrant kid, new to this country, grew up in Melbourne in the 70s and 80s and tried my best to fit in as best I could and tried to play footy and cricket and there was rubbish at both of them and that was a bit unfortunate and then kind of got into university and got to the point where I was thinking, what the hell do I want to actually do with my life? And the thing that I wanted to do the least was the thing I was able to do the most, which was be able to really connect with people who were doing it tough. I mean, I don't want to tell you a sob story. I mean, we didn't do it tough when we migrated. Dad worked flipping hard to kind of set us up and establish us in this country. But what I mean by that is just knowing what it's like to be kind of on the outer was always a big part of my DNA and I kind of set my life to be the opposite of that, is to kind of be bulletproof and rock hard.
Then I kind of noticed through, I went to university and they kind of, my lecturer sat me down and said, you're no good at this course. I said, fair enough. It was computer science and electrical engineering.
Stop trying to be such a corporate here. He said, why don't you try something else?
And so I dropped out for a year and kind of went and instead of traveling to Europe, like most of the guys are doing, I thought, oh, have a crack at volunteering somewhere. And I started working with asylum seekers from East Timor. And then that kind of led into work with going into prisons, hanging out with some of the guys there and just kind of realized that this is the kind of stuff I want to be doing. And it wasn't, you know, in a standard way like, you know, like you'd think about a rev going in and kind of doing Bible studies or something. It was just hearing these guys' stories and just helping them on their way when they were on the out. So I started taking guys into my house, had about seven or eight guys seeking asylum, including around 2000. We had a whole bunch of guys defecting from the Olympics.
Yeah, boxes and the like. There was a couple of, I mean, I won't ask too many questions because they're probably still around somewhere in Greater Sydney. But yeah, all kinds of countries that we're visiting. Oh, absolutely.
We had a ball too. So we had a federal police raid on our house at one point. And we were harboring some Sierra Leonean athletes, Olympians. So, you know, just going back was just no option for them. And we saw the federal police at the front of the house and we had another house, a safe house down the road. So we thought, how do we pull them off the scent?
So I dressed up in the tightest lycra I could find and ran out the front pretending to be an Olympian. And thankfully, both cars followed me, bought enough time, which was about half a block before they realized this bloke's no Olympian.
And we got the guys over to the safe house because they were trying to trialling laws around the 28 day rules around whether you hear your case in immigration detention, which is still no place. You know, we wouldn't even put out our worst enemy in that kind of environment.
So you I guess that's the story that you kind of come from. I mean, Malaysian background, Sri Lankan Malaysian background into, you know, immigrant boy in Melbourne. And then you kind of fell into this work through working in the multicultural kind of asylum seekers and in that kind of space. Was religion there from the from the start, or was it more support work? Yeah, a bit of both. But what started off was a religion.
But then pretty quickly, if you what we were thinking about was the fact is, you know, so often we get hung up on the nouns instead of the verbs. And what it's about is really just getting out there and loving people and trying to make a difference. And then if you do that, you can't go wrong. You know, don't worry about all the other stuff. So always just to focus on how does this actually look like in this world?
You know, how does it play out when someone seeking asylum? You know, one of the most formative moments of my life was running a bit of a youth club for asylum seekers in this 12 year old girl.
And this was about ninety nine before independence in East Timor. This is around June, July ninety nine. Independence didn't happen until August, October with the referendum.
And, you know, we were saying, what are we going to do? And we did this kind of stupid exercise where you say, look, what do you hope for in the future?
And for me at the time, you know, if you asked me at 12, I would have said a yellow Walkman. Right. You remember those things? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they were the cool cats had those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think what CD you'd put on it, Dre 2001, maybe. I'm talking cassettes mate, cassettes, right? A tape deck. I know exactly the one you're talking about, Tim. Yeah, I think it's probably worth a fortune. Yeah, yeah.
And this kid just eyeball me and she said, look, you know, can you just help us somehow? Because they're talking about deporting us again and I'm not ready to die yet. And I thought, shit, why is that? Can we swear? Yeah, that's what we're doing. Sorry.
Jeebus, you know, like I thought this idea of helping people, you know, when you do it, when you start, it's usually all about your head. You know, I think what a good bloke I am helping out.
And then when that moves to your heart, you're gone for life, right? You're captured by this stuff. Well, it's become life and death. Yeah, that's right.
And you know, and then all of a sudden I didn't set out to become political activist or anything like that. I just said, what the government is doing in this scenario is clearly wrong. So that, you know, that put me on on the streets and protesting and writing letters. And and it wasn't because I hated the government.
It was because I love this kid and this community. And that kind of really just has been the way I've always gone is, you know, we won't make poverty history until we make it personal.
You know, it becomes a life and blood, flesh and flesh person. You know, flesh person.
What are the things that, you know, you know what I mean? And you know, that's the sort of stuff, you know, that gets me. It's not an ideological pursuit. You know, it's you know, if you want to get into this gig, you know, you do you love people is the big question.
Can you give us a bit of background information on on how the wayside chapel came to be? How did it start? We're guessing it existed before Malcolm Turnbull. Well, a long, long time ago before the cross was called Potts Point. It was kind of this weird kind of place where you had your Elizabeth Bay double Bay type of set alongside your Willamaloo.
And the cross was kind of where everyone came together. And so it's always had that in its DNA. And then top end of town and the wrong side of the tracks meeting in the middle. Bang right there. You know, the wharfys and then and then in the in the Vietnam War, the the wharf, the naval base, the Americans. That's where heroin hit the cross and all of a sudden party time. And, you know, all and that's kind of the genesis of the cross.
The cross had a lot of empty buildings. So there were a lot of people squatting their artists, beatniks, bohemians, but also old people. And if you look at some of the archival footage, that's where Ted Knopf's he came from before he was in the cross, he was in Wilcannia. So it was out far west and he developed a really strong connection with the Aboriginal community out there. And then their starting of the wayside was just going to take food to the elderly people living in these squats. And then, you know, with the Vietnam War and the hippies and the beatniks kind of hitting in the cross became the center of Sydney.
Right. You know, judges, lawyers, crooked cops, bikies, hippies. They all kind of came together and they all came to this place, you know, 24 hours a day, the worst coffee in Sydney. But it was the place you could come in and talk about life. You still get a coffee before I am.
And, you know, that's where so many things started out of that place from relationships with people. So the freedom rides left from the doorstep of wayside. And then also what else did we have starting out of there? The medically supervised injecting centers started out of there. And that wasn't because it was we needed to do something politically. You know, it was driven by saying, you know, we're sick of picking up dead bodies.
Yeah. Life education started out of there because once the drugs hit, you know, these straight laced church people were like, what's happening with these kids? And then they talked about life and your potential. And, you know, had one of the rooms painted with the star, all the stars in the universe saying, look, you know, we're made out of stardust here and, you know, we have so much potential, you know, that kind of humanity of everything. The humanity of man was kind of the big phrase back then. So, you know, that's where we healthy Harold kicked out of the wayside. Really, ultimately. Yeah.
That's a big get. That's a big climb.
And that's now life education, very independent to us. But, you know, where else would you want to learn about drugs?
But in the back of a caravan with it from a giraffe, you know, is there anything more Australian than that? I always wondered why they chose a giraffe. You're in the prime possum. It's a possum time you go to bed on prime television. Of all the animals on earth to choose, they chose a giraffe.
Well, I don't think Agro was around then. But like an echidna or anything. It was pre-Olympics too, remember? That's before Sid, Ollie and Lizzie. Yeah.
Now, obviously you talk about that, how the church had to change their tact. You know, it's no longer dealing with old winos on the church steps anymore.
You're dealing with heroin and I guess visible social issues that, you know, people weren't conditioned to at that point and weren't conditioned to seeing. Where are we at now? Is heroin still a problem in the inner city or in the outer suburbs? Is it crystal meth? What are you guys kind of dealing with on a day to day kind of basis?
Yeah, so this little thing called coronavirus that's been around, you may have heard of it, not sure. That's a bigger threat than everything, right? It is responsible for the overuse of the word unprecedented, which I will blame it for forever.
That kind of led to a bit of a heroin drought. And so it created a meth boom. So heroin is still quite big. But yeah, you know, backyard meth is kind of one of the biggest things going on.
Part of what we do is our power lies in our proximity to the gutter. And so we'll be there and ready to love whoever walks in. And so we see there's a variety of issues that come in. Domestic violence has been a big thing.
We've started to see kids back in the cross that we haven't seen for quite a while. Actually, you know, that really a lot of youth workers and other organizations kind of left the cross about a decade ago. And we've seen a few kids dribbling.
It's an inner city kind of location. So we have kids from the country. They do have street. There is an issue of street kids in Sydney. Like, you know, I guess for people who aren't familiar with Sydney town, you'd look at a movie like Two Hands, you know, those little kids getting around for, you know, a major part of the film. But they have the kids that you do have. You would see kids sleeping on the street in inner city Sydney.
Well, it tends to be where you end up if you drift. So we you know, when you grow up feeling a bit different or in a situation where your home is less safe than the streets. And that can be anywhere. So, you know, what you do in a major city, this is why we see it mostly in the CBDs is you kind of run away from home and hop on a train. And where do you end up? You end up in the central railway station and whatever the capital city is.
So we had two kids from Dubbo last week, and they were just partying, wanting to be all big and 17. And they ended up getting robbed and everything like that.
First train out of here. Yeah, you want to get back in. But, you know, when you're 17, mate, you're full of proof. You've got some money for a fair hunt. We're sweet, no worries. You know, we got this. Well, you've actually been robbed. You're at the wayside, you know? Really?
But, you know, it's all about a gap year. But then you get kids who are growing up in pretty abusive households or who are gay and just not understood in their suburb or their country town. So they kind of get out of there. And unfortunately, when you drift into the CBD, you're either going to get lucky and find people who are there for you or you're going to get dragged under pretty quick. And there's always going to be those two elements kind of competing. So what does a Wayside Chapel do to support these people that come for help?
You know, we like to say that we're always open. You know, we're open 365 days a year. And we're there with open arms for people who usually come to us on the the first time they come to us is on the worst day of their life.
You know, you know, we've got a big philosophy of engagement there where we don't start with a problem. You know, we say no one's a problem to be solved. They're a person to be met because we don't know their background and their issue, and we won't ask.
But we're there, you know, sometimes we just need to embrace people, make them feel safe, because usually if they've drifted into the CBD, you know, no one ever wakes up and says, when I grow up, I want to be homeless. You know, I want to be sleeping rough.
It's kind of a slow, gradual kind of fall from grace. You know, some sometimes it's pretty quick. We have people who walk in our doors who, you know, a few months ago were high flying corporate executives. But the cocaine and party lifestyle is kind of tumbled, fallen apart pretty quick for them.
So, you know, we're just there. We've got a little cafe there that people can sit and chill. We've got toilets and showers and people can slowly get used to. You know, they need to learn to trust before anything can really happen. And, you know, we say if someone walks away feeling met rather than worked on, it's been a good day. And so there's a whole bunch of support services out there. But primarily, we're just there. You know, we got 700 volleys. You know, and the older, the better. Yeah, it's a bit hard through corona. But, you know, we need people just to be those kind of loving grannies and grandpas for them.
How do you spend a lot of time in living in Mount Druitt? We've interviewed a few people from that area on the podcast. Bam, bam, tui, vas. There's a boxer that came out of there, a UFC fighter that came out of there. We've got a lot of footballers and stuff, but it also is well known as kind of the hard knocks kind of part of Sydney on the outer. It's not particularly in a city at all.
What was it like out there? Was that where you were harboring Olympians? Was that where you harboring them? Or was that was that another time in your life when you...
No, that was 10 years back. 20 years ago, we were in Melbourne in a suburb called Springvale, which is now gentrified quite a bit. But it was kind of a high Southeast Asian immigrant population. And there was a lot of heroin and a lot of gangs in that area back in Springvale. And then in the early 2000s, we moved up and lived for just over a decade in the Druitt.
Yeah, right. And you were doing a similar thing out there. I mean, from what I've read, you you had a bit of a Qantas club house. You know, it was almost before you before you had Wayside, you had people come in, pull it in for a couple hours, couple nights. What was it? What was the setup there? Yeah, we just ran an open home there, you know, where, you know, it's as much as possible to create a safe place.
Look, we love the Druitt. And you see real life, you know, you see the best of people and you see the worst of people. And what do we say? A lot of people, they tell a lot of lies, but there's not a lot of bullshit there. You know, people are straight up.
Yeah. And I love that about it. And, you know, I raised my family there, raised we raised our kids there. We we will probably end up living there one day again. We just got this gig now.
But, you know, it can be a rough place at times. And people need a place just to chill out, just to sit down. You know, we I think 60 percent of the kids are growing up in single parent households. So hospitality was a big thing for my missus. And we would cook meals and just say, just sit down and eat a meal with a knife and fork. And just just chill for a moment. It was also a safe space for DV is pretty high domestic violence in that in that community. And just to create a little safe space for kids, kind of just to chill out. We used to have kids running a mark in the place and, you know, just to give them a bit of a break from everything else, but also give them a bit of an experience of some alternatives out there.
So again, for those on the tractor out at Mount Druitt, there's a lot of public housing out there. And as we've all kind of seen in the newspapers down in Sydney, public housing is starting to shrink. You know, there isn't as much investment in public housing as public housing being torn down. And they're putting up, you know, big towers of yuppies there where the public towers once were. What's it been like on sort of the coalface of trying to find people, crisis, accommodation, trying to help people into housing?
Has it been easier or is it getting harder? Yeah. So what what you're saying is absolutely is what's tracking.
There's no real shared vision for public housing and the way we're going to care for people who are who are doing it tough, you know, and we need to really continue to work out. You know, there's a lot of good initiatives around reducing street sleeping, but it will only it's always going to hit a brick wall if there's not enough housing stock out there. And we do have an opportunity now to have what you know, what's the moniker there, which is, you know, let's have a bit of a housing led recovery. You know, why can't there be public housing? Yeah, we need to have beds for people. And I'm not talking about dormitories or boarding houses.
I mean, they have their limits. People who work in those places do the best they can be. You're still crowding a whole bunch of people with a whole bunch of issues that are going to riff off each other. And it's always going to be a bit of a volatile space. What we're seeing in some of the public housing communities where, you know, Sydney built these huge tracks of public housing and in Mount Druitt, but also Campbelltown is as the salt and peppering they call it now, which is, you know, knocking down and building private developments in the midst of it all is it's crowding overcrowding in the houses that are left. And so, you know, we saw houses where there are 20, 23 people living in the one three bedroom house.
No one's asleep. You know, kids are falling behind at school because they're trying to get something to eat, trying to sleep. No, there's not even a floor to sleep on.
Yeah, which is why, you know, we ran our house kind of just come in and chill. So some kids would just come in, have a piece of toast and just sit in the corner quietly because they just needed that peace and quiet. I mean, they're the kinds of practical things that happen that you can do to assist when these government policies that are kind overcrowding places. And, you know, it just creates more and more kind of issues. You know, kids are running the risk of falling behind. I mean, I don't want to knock the area, too.
There's so many good things happening in that neighborhood, too. And there are so many good local leaders that are really standing up. And as we say, you've interviewed a few of them. And Nakia Louie, you know, is one of the amazing Aboriginal leaders that was born and bred in that in that neighborhood. So a lot of good coming out of it, too.
But, you know, there's there's a short sightedness in government policy. Yeah. And and I'm not just throwing it at one side. It's all sides. You know, there's no vision for it.
And we're seeing that the overcrowding then eventually leads to homelessness because all of a sudden, you know, I mean, in a practical thing, it's a breakdown in the community's ability to support an individual. That's how homelessness occurs.
Do you think I wouldn't be as harsh as saying Reaganism, you know, in the Australian political class? But there is a big element of bootstraps amongst amongst our leaders. I look at Morrison. I know you said, you know, you don't hate the government. You love the people you're supporting.
But you look at someone like Morrison, who was publicly educated, but, you know, in the best public schools in the country, caught a bus, 10 minutes to school each day. And his dad was a head of police. And he kind of looks at himself within the Liberal Party as the rose in the concrete because everyone else went to these elite private schools. And he honestly believes in his mind that he did it for himself and he came from nothing.
What are you going to kind of say to that kind of attitude when you see people who have really just taken knocks every time they got their head above water? How do you explain that, especially to the people that are making decisions on whether or not that someone's going to have a house to live in or someone's going to have a bed or a place to stay? How do you explain that actually, you know, there are some people that the deck was marked from the moment they kind of hit the ground? Some of the founding myths of white settlement in this country are still pretty strong and pretty hard to shake, right? And one is, you know, the level playing field and where the country of the fair go. And we always pick out the exceptions here and there, you know, to say, oh, look at this person, they made it. But it just kind of runs roughshod over the reality is we don't start from the same point on the when the starter's gun goes.
All right. Yeah. And we sadly have so many people in leadership who think that the starting point they had was is normative when it is clearly not is Bronte Public School. Yeah, exactly right.
You know, you think about your education and your peer group, where they are now. I was lucky enough to go to a beautiful public school and a couple of people have done really well in primary school. I went to a public school and some really struggling. And and then I was lucky enough to go to a private school. And the people in that private school were better.
They were better connected, you know, and there's always that opportunity if my world falls apart, that I would just tap on the old boys network. Yeah, just sounds horrible, doesn't it? The old boys network. But I've got a safety net.
Yeah. That is, you know, when I look at some of the kids that I know and respect and the young adults now, half of the old boy network are dead, you know, at 25, 30. So it is clearly, you know, when we say we start at the same point, is are you really telling me you're starting at the same point for a single parent family where there are eight kids and you're the seventh kid? Yeah. Right. Are you telling me you're you're starting from the same point as them? Yeah.
Because I can't I can't hear that argument at all.
And, you know, the difference is one person's safety net is, oh, well, I'll just get into real estate. And the other person's safety net is Wayside Chapel.
Correct. Absolutely.
And, you know, that kind of that bootstrap, you know, if we just redistribute, you know, we've got there's enough there. What a load of crap. Try try living on that on some of those allowances and pensions that are going around. Are you kidding me?
How does Wayside sit in the greater kind of Christian community? I'm sure there's people you help that, you know, some of the more conservative ends of the Christian kind of spectrum would would probably deny their existence in some capacity. Look, sometimes we have people come in. They say, look, I get what you're doing. These are super conservative kind of religious people.
And they say, but my one problem, Johnny's, you know, you're not saving people. And that's usually when I show them the door and tell them to nick off. And I say, I am saving you. I'm saving them from you.
Yeah. Right. Now piss off.
So, you know, we we've never said we were better than anyone. We just say what we are trying to do is just to be involved in this neighborhood that we're in.
So we're here in King's Cross and we're also in Bondi Beach. And a lot of people sleep rough, you know, the eastern suburbs of Sydney, believe it or not, is where the highest concentration of rough sleep is in in New South Wales, which kind of makes sense. I mean, the second, what's the highest is the Byron Bay Shore.
So, you know, it's so is that is that gentrification? People been priced out on the spot or people are kind of driven towards nicer areas or what's the what is the reason for that? Look, there are a few factors at play. You know, the thing we don't talk about is caravan parks. They're the kind of place between the house and the street. And they're actually they're keeping a lot of people from complete abject homelessness. But, you know, there are some pretty rough stuff goes on in some of those caravan parks out there. And, you know, people kind of drift around. And then, you know, if you're looking for a bit of support, you know, you'd be silly not to stay in a neighborhood where people are more affluent. And but also, I think people want to much safer, aren't they really? And people want to help. If I was homeless, I'd probably be out in Bondi Beach rather than Blacktown.
Yeah. Right. It just just makes sense. It just tracks San Francisco, Venice Beach, you know, all those kind of towns in America that have giant homeless populations. They never have winters. That's a big thing. Yeah. And that's a big and there is a there is a migration north as well through the colder months. And so that is just a natural. You know, you get your one ticket train ticket a year to get as far north as you can and and go out there and stay where it's a bit warmer, where you're not going to freeze to death as well. So it just kind of tracks there.
And so we I take my hat off to people who do that. What do you think of the in terms of that that nice edge of between stable kind of middle class existence and homelessness is it is a nice edge. I mean, there was one example I saw back when everyone was talking about the eastern suburbs during those by elections they all had down there. And Phelps got in.
They were talking about homelessness and it was the first time I would have ever considered it. But they found an 80, 80 something year old woman sleeping in a car because her and her husband had been renting their whole lives in the same place and he died and the rent stop getting paid. And then all of a sudden, you know, never considered aged care and didn't have the means for it. How often do you see that where someone's just more so, you know, they're shocked by the new living arrangement of being homeless. But they're just shocked that they never thought that they could be homeless. That line between housing and homeless is a lot thinner than we like to think.
We there was a report recently where they said, you know, the average Aussie family has eight weeks savings in the bank. Right. That's pretty skinny. And we think about rents or mortgages that are just so exorbitant. You want to live in this anywhere within 30, 40 clicks of this CBD. It costs a fortune.
And, you know, we very easily, you know, can be, you know, through a tragedy like a or an episode of mental illness or some sort of crisis entering your life that things can pretty quickly spiral out of control. And then there's a lot of shame associated with that, you know, which is why a lot of women end up on the streets through a process of sleeping in the car. And then eventually the car breaks down and things kind of fall apart and they end up on the streets. So, you know, we see so often, you know, we saw someone who was ostensibly a soccer mom end up sleeping in a car with the kids within six weeks.
You know, there was a tragedy in the family. Dad died kind of in the grief. It all kind of fell apart.
And, you know, there was like you would never have imagined that, you know, cookie cutter August. I mean, even through coronavirus, we had someone who came in to our center at Bondi Beach, a high flying consultant with a couple of kids. And all of a sudden the work just stopped in consultancy. And within two months, no money, no food.
No, you know, Christmas was coming up, you know, and it was just like, I supported you, right? I'm a I'm a I'm a supporter of wayside. And now I'm asking for support. Yeah. You know, within two months. Wow. You find support. I mean, I'll go back to the idea of supporting Wayside Chapel.
You have a community of high fliers as well. It's because it is, I guess, so prevalent to inner city. It's got a bit of a profile. You do have, as I mentioned before, Turnbull's David Wenham. People like that have known about wayside. Maybe they've lived in the cross at some point and kind of been around it.
How do you keep those like, you know, your job isn't you're not salesman either. You know, how do you how do you kind of keep that support? You do campaigns, you run campaigns. You you how do you kind of keep that philanthropy coming in?
Yeah. You know, this is it's not about being a Robin Hood type of arrangement here. It's about trying to capture people's hearts. And most people get it. Most people love it, too. You know, we we share the same patch of dirt as other people. And I think when people come into our doors and we invite everyone to come and check us out, we're not across the center. We're a community center. And the biggest issue that I think people are facing is not a lack of cash.
It's loneliness is that disconnection. And that goes just as equally for someone whose world's fallen apart, as well as for someone who is living in their fine and fancy apartment in Potts Point. But their kids don't want to spend any time with them and just waiting for them to die for their inheritance. And so, you know, there's that kind of that's pretty prevalent, too, in the East.
Absolutely. Right.
Especially in Potts Point, too. I mean, there's lots of maiden aunts up in those big buildings.
You know, we we have people who our volunteers have actually found it harder through shutdown than and some of our partners who have been on the streets because it's saying, this is who I am. You know, this is where I come in and I'm loved. And that's three hours of being sworn at. Yeah, it's the highlight of my week, right? Because again, it's that kind of that real life, you know, and people treat you as not as what your title or your station is in life. It's are you a good person?
And that's kind of what we do. And so but we also run campaigns, too. So we've got Valentine's Day coming up. Yeah. And what's the plan there? What's the Valentine's Day? Oh, we've got a bit of fun. We say, you know, all the way. So all we do is it's about love. Love is at the center of it. And we say, think about it.
You know, nothing says I love you like a clean pair of undies. There's someone who slept rough for the night.
Yeah. And look, I say Valentine's Day for most of us is designed to try and get someone's undies off. Well, instead, how about we help them get them on? Yeah.
Put them on a homeless person. Somebody's doing it tough.
And if people, you know, log on and check out the Wayside Chapel website, you'll see the link to the Valentine's Day campaign. And if you if you send us in the money, we'll send your loved one or your secret admirer a little card that says, you know, for Valentine's Day this year, I bought a pair of undies for someone else. Oh, that's that's a great initiative for 39 Listing who wants to who wants to help out. You've heard all about Wayside Chapel today, but that is waysidechapel.org.au forward slash valentines. It's a good cause.
They've obviously just come off a big, big couple months with Christmas and, you know, all the support they've provided on the back of a big year, really an unprecedented year. And we're in the middle of a year where we just don't know what's going to happen, right?
It feels a bit I think the best adjective is polypy. You know, yes, it feels good now. All of a sudden, you know, it's more pain.
Yeah. Well, yeah.
The government's about to cut the cord in a month's time. So who knows what's going to happen there? Absolutely. And that's kind of the big worry, the big unknown, too. And we're ready. We're there. But we you know, it's yeah, we're just saying who knows what's going to come next?
You know, we, you know, international travel is not going to be there. You know, international students aren't going to be there. Kids, if you're studying in high school, never been a better time to get into the university course of your dreams.
Yeah, yeah. There's not going to be you're not going to be competing with too many hyper academics from Beijing in the next couple of years in the university. I don't think so. Maybe, you know, I think we've got some strange, you know, we have to draw a line somewhere, but the lines that are drawn just look stranger and stranger. You know, I think Darwin uni just charted a flight and brought in students. You think that makes sense? Right. And, you know, we tell you what, there's only one way this forest gets into Australia, right? And that's through the hotel quarantine system, right? Yeah. We need to double the pay of every quarantine worker. So they're not going and doing Uber driving after their shifts. Right. Seriously, the biggest economic risk to this country now is the hotel quarantine system. Yeah. Triple their wages, right? Yeah. And perhaps maybe don't run it out of hotels in the center of the CBD. That's also a good idea. Yeah. We'll catch them the train home. It just doesn't make a lot of sense the way. You know, I think you can go anywhere. It's just let's make it a steel ring fence around that place. Right.
And it's not that hard to do. But let's incentivize it. And, you know, let's let's do better by our aged care workers as well.
Toowoomba World Camp Airport waiting there, mate. They've got mining. They've got mining accommodation. They're ready to go.
Just give them the word, ScoMo. So just before you go, what is the best way for people to support the Wayside Chapel who are listening at home, who might not be from Sydney, who? Yeah, great. Well, normally I'd say come in, visit us, but probably stay at home this time and look, log on, get to check out the Valentine's Day appeal. But I send a weekly little note out where I kind of write about what's going on in the community and kind of get into the rhythm of that.
And, you know, we're all about trying to help people go back onto that journey of feeling human again. Yeah, because that's, you know, and for that, and that means for people who think they're more than human, we knock them down a few pegs, you know, we don't. It's when they walk into the place and they realize, oh, the world will knock them down a few pegs when they see what's going on. But then for those who feel less than, we say, no, actually, you know, you're loved, you're somebody's son, you're somebody's daughter. And, you know, you've got, you've got a purpose in life, too. So, you know, get, get involved, get familiar with our ethos. And then when things become a little bit easier to move around, come and visit, come and say good day, come and have a couple with me.
I'll share you a terrible coffee and I'll show you around the place. But an international roast? What are we dealing with here? A gunpowder gray, man. That's my dad's brand of choice, international roast. Mine too.
Well, thank you for joining us, Father John. You're doing, I wouldn't say God's work. I think you're doing the work that we all should be doing on a day to day basis as members of a community wherever we're in the bush or in the city. But it's good to know that there are people banging the drum and and providing support to those who, you know, the rest of us forgot.
So thank you. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for coming in. Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_16_8_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | First up and in national news, the Great Barrier Reef Foundation have revealed what they're going to be doing with the $444 million grant that they've been given. After receiving the largest ever not-for-profit grant in the history of the nation, the Six Employees Strong organisation has grand plans to spend nearly half a billion dollars painting all of the dead coral pretty colours again. The foundation will be developing an underwater paint that can last up to 20 years and ensure the natural wonder of the world stays pristine for future generations. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull explained that the foundation, made up of shadow mining directors, will be able to achieve so much more than the 5,500 people working at our country's flagship science body, the CSIRO. And we've heard as well, Bruce, that they could be installing some little plastic fishies in and around the painted corals.
Jeez, wouldn't that be a nice touch. And Dell elsewhere around the country, Sam Dastyari's in the news again. Yes, Bruce, the disgraced former poly has landed himself a big screen role. He features as a Chinese puppet in the new movie, The Happy Time Murders, which is bringing our listeners the podcast this week. The Batood advocate can exclusively reveal that the former darling of the ALP has a gig in the Happy Time Murders movie, which will be released on the 23rd of August. Sensationally, Dastyari has been cast as a Chinese puppet. The man who used the halal snack pack craze to take social media by storm has some strong lines around things like Australia not interfering with China in regards to the South China Sea.
He said to us this week, The artist formerly known as Dasher certainly has landed on his feet again, hasn't he? It's a cat-like ability these polys have, Bruce. No matter how they fall, they always seem to land on their feet. I'll be curious to see what sort of reception he gets when the movie hits the big screen. And there's been some interesting scientific research released this week, mate. Yes, that's right.
A study has confirmed that 90% of a Banh Mi's chili is almost always confined to the final bite. The CSIRO found that the vast majority of the spicy garnish is always concentrated right down the bottom of the roll. We asked a Vietnamese baker close to our office, Annie Vo, and she said that customers who ask for chili should be prepared for chili, and not to complain when they come across chili in their Banh Mi.
She said to us, Strong words there, but I guess when you're selling a $5 pork roll, you don't have to worry too much about customer service. Well, it's a product that sells itself. And Bruce, this next story is one that might not resonate so much with an older head like yourself, but we sat down with a local man who told himself that he wouldn't be wasting his upcoming weekend like he has with every other weekend in the last few years. Yeah, mate, look, it's been a little while since I've been able to piss my weekends away. Kids will straighten you out real quick. You'll learn that one day. Don't have them. Yeah, sage advice.
Anyway, this local man named Francis Kennedy told us about how he looked in the mirror and blatantly lied to himself by promising to make the most of his next weekend. He said that instead of living hedonistically, he is going to go camping or bushwalking or fishing or something like that. And in other news around town this week, a local shadow kickboxer down at the park has dared other park goers to fucking look at him. The Krav Maga kickboxing and UFC enthusiast named Clay Wilson sat down with the advocate to explain why you'd have to be pretty fucked in the head to even look his way. Yeah, he said that anyone who made eye contact with him when he was working out was asking for trouble. He told us. Yeah, if I'm flat out going to make the oots, oots noises and everything and someone starts fucking staring at me, who knows what I might do. Even I don't know what I'm capable of.
And on the sporting front, Brucey, it just keeps getting worse for the Penrith Panthers. Yeah, that's right, Del. Only eight years into his five-year plan, and in what's being described as the ultimate power play, general manager Gus Gould has sacked himself. The club is unsure as to why Gus boned himself just weeks out from the finals, but they believe the power move has something to do with trying to keep a halfback Nathan Cleary. Bold move by Gus. Gould was seen leaving Panthers Stadium with the frozen oak machine strapped to the roof of his skyline after the former Penrith player, coach and manager revealed that the end of his employment came after many tumultuous years of arguing with himself.
He certainly is a polarising figure and it sounds like he's even polarised himself. Well, look, we don't need to criticise him for that. I think we've all tried to polarise ourselves from time to time. We certainly have, Bruce.
Anyway, that's the news wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. And don't forget the Happy Time Murders is out in cinemas from August 23.
Until next time, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
dropout | the_true_meaning_of_christmas_hardly_working | As the night drew to a close, Grant was very, very down. Jack Frost was closing in, and he had yet to crack the Christmas code.
Whoa, whoa, too much nog! Ugh, Grant, what's wrong? Ugh!
I've been trying all day, and I still haven't figured out the true meaning of Christmas. I have a tip for you. Christmas starts with a C, right? So does the word corporation!
Ugh, exhausting.
Grant, it's simple. We're spending time together, taking time for other people. That's what Christmas is all about. Really? I guess you're right. Thanks, Trapp. Any time, Grant.
Now, let's figure out how to pay for this bar we reserved, right? There's only six of us, so it's gonna be pretty expensive. Oh, dang!
I got a flight to catch. You going back to Chicago, Ralph?
Yeah, the whole family's headed back home, wow. You know, families coming together from wherever they are. That's the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah. What? Hmm?
Family, Grant, family, this isn't hard. It's when people come together, no matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a second ago, you said that telling people you love them was the true meaning of Christmas. Families come in all shapes and sizes, Grant.
Totally. I think that might be the true meaning of Christmas. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. In what sense?
How is families come in all shapes and sizes the true meaning of Christmas? Christmas is about love and giving and family and hope. That's just a list of nice things. Not every nice thing is a Christmas thing. Well, Grant, if you think about it, aren't lists the true meaning of Christmas?
Yes. All different things coming together onto one page. I swear to God.
All my Christmas favorites. Cookies, just vaguely cookies are your Christmas favorite. It doesn't matter what people eat on Christmas.
What's important is that they get full of it. Like a hug from the inside. God, that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?
Is it just that winter sucks? Like you're cold so you have to dress things up in Christmas colors?
Green. Oh, green. Green.
Yeah. It's about giving. That's the true meaning. And family. That's the true meaning. And hope. That's. And love. That's the true meaning of Christmas. But most of all, it's about the big guy.
Santa. Oh, right. Santa.
Oh, Jesus. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Frosted Flakes has one mascot. Christmas has bad branding. You're telling me, Jesus? That's right. I'm Jesus Christ. Wow. Why would Jesus Christ bartend a holiday party with a bunch of comedy writers? Tips, baby. Grant, a lot of people are confused about the true meaning of Christmas.
Really? Really.
But the truth is, it's all about the story of one man, Jack Frost. What? Jack Frost. He covers the world with snow and brings the smell of wood smoke to one and all. You mean like that old man winter guy? No, old man winter is someone else. Jack Frost is his own man.
Huh. What? That's dumb. I think we're just a little surprised.
Jack Frost is like a minor character in the Christmas pantheon. Yes. Why would a character that I barely fucking heard of be the true meaning of Christmas? It's fucking bananas.
Is it? A moment ago, you were fighting with everyone. Now look, perfect agreement. Huh. That's Jack Frost, working his wintry magic to bring people closer together. Wow. I guess you're right. Hey, Grant.
And remember what I always say, keep it cold.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's, is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | the_app_that_does_everything_poorly | How many times have you said, I like Instagram, but I wish it was more like Snapchat?
Never. No one wanted that.
Or, I love Uber, but I wish it would deliver me food.
No, why would you do that? Or, what if Facebook was YouTube? Stop. Well, now you can have all that and more with Omni, the app that is literally every app. I don't want that. The average person uses 12 apps a day, but why use 12 good apps when you could instead use one shitty app? Because that's stupid.
Omni is a social network ride sharing, dating, ticket purchasing, food delivery, microblog and content streaming platform that does about 50 other things you'll never use. I like to use Omni to tell my friends what music I'm listening to, but it keeps pushing this new feature on me where I can order pizzas or something. Trying to find my music, but it's just pepperoni. I use Omni to chat with my friends because every other chatting app has been purchased by Omni and then shut down. At Omni, we care more about putting other apps out of business than we do about making a good, simple, useful app.
Remember Vine? Neither do we.
Omni is a confusing fucking mess that makes me never want to open it. This is what happens when you swipe up. I have no idea what it's supposed to do.
Dog map? I don't know if these are my dogs or dogs that are close to me.
There was a super helpful tutorial when I first downloaded the app, which was like eight minutes long or something. I don't know. I didn't watch the whole thing. Everyone spams me with the best way to use it.
I can't turn it off.
You know how some restaurants only serve eight good dishes and others have a menu the size of a Bible? Which one do you think Omni is like?
That's right. Both. Oh.
And thanks to Omni's skyrocketing success, you can look forward to every other app incorporating Omni's features into their own design. Facebook will let you find dates based on video game scores. Twitter will let you stream music to people only in your geographic area. And Instagram will let you catch Pokemon, but only if you're gay. Omni, do everything.
Poorly. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help, please help. |
dropout | freaky_scientists_who_experimented_on_themselves | and this machine lets you travel through time but only to relive your own worst mistakes River is there something you wanted to add we're not real we're just drawing Jesus she's all drugged up again okay what were you even on some drugs yeah what kind I don't know whatever was in the dumpster this morning what kind of irresponsible moron experiments on herself some of the greatest scientists in history that's who I think it's time we all had a dose of the most mind expanding drug on earth ayahuasca education that's right this is the primo shit oh where are we should we say when are we you shouldn't who talks like that I mean I just met we're in Germany 1898 this is August beer and his assistant Augustus he'll never had and this is their crazy stash of cocaine we've been using it as an anesthetic we think we can numb the entire lower body if we inject it directly into the spinal column fucking sick Augustus here will try it since I made a little mistake when I tried to inject myself feel anything no no I'm just kidding I didn't feel anything this is science a guy with the hole in his spine beating his coke up assistant beer had to be sure the anesthetic really worked on Hildebrand he would go on to burn him and stomp on his testicle but it worked right he was fine discovery he was totally numb until the anesthetic floor off they were both bedridden for several days and Hildebrand grew to deeply hate beer for some reason but for people like this a little truth is more important than a bit of lost friendship or genital mutilation right river if you like that episode of WTF 101 I have good news there's way more of it on dropout dropout is the new premium ad-free and uncensored comedy platform from college Yuma go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today couldn't hurt a little bit more interesting than where we are or when we are |
SaturdayNightLive | saddam_hussein_lookalikes_saturday_night_live | Saddam Hussein must disarm himself or, for the sake of peace, we will lead a coalition to disarm him. These guys get the real red ass for me. you said that, boss. they're mad because you're jerking around the guys from the Un. I've been doing that for over four years. Why do they get all mad now? their American economy is tanking and there's an election coming up.
I wouldn't be surprised if Bush had sharpshooters in the hill outside your palace, ready to shoot you. You're right. get one of my lookalikes in here. Hassan, get in here. Yes, sir. why don't you go up on the roof and get some fresh air? and check out the hillside. see how many flowers you can count. Okay, yes, Saddam. thank you.
And don't walk around too much. stand in one place. Okay. see, I still don't get it. I haven't done anything lately.
Why is Bush coming after me? Boss, I think that you're the Joker to his Batman. I know, but at least Batman waited till the Joker committed a crime before he jumped up his ass. I know, I know. this Bush guy is serious. I said I will let the inspectors back in, but this Bush guy, he wants to fight.
No other countries want to fight.
No, no, no. that gay guy, Tony Blair, wants to fight you too. How many times do I have to tell you, he's not gay, he's just English. it's a fine line, English and gay. I mean, Mr. Bean, he's gay, right? probably, but that's not the point.
Bush says he won't quit until you're dead. I know. get another lookalike in here. Bush, good gravy. What are you guys trying to tell me? is this what I look like to you? Look, Boss, it's hard to get people to be you these days. I mean, we've been through like 200 lookalikes already. what did he do? eat them? look, please. Boss, cut us a break, Okay? this is who we've got.
All right, I'll get it. Listen, the rush.
I left my green sneakers. I left my green sneakers at the Mosel Palace.
I want you to take my convertible, and I want you to go get them for me. Okay? and put the top down. have fun. Remember, you represent me. so be proud. Walk tall. Okay. take it easy. these bastards. no more fat guys.
You know, I don't know what I did to this guy. I'm telling you, this Know George Bush is evil. No, Boss. he's too dumb to be evil. You are evil. What did you say to me? What? I didn't say nothing. no, no. you said I'm evil. Evil How? How am I evil?
It's like he said. you're like the Joker. leave me under this wedding. The Joker? So I'm a clown? I'm a clown?
I'm here to amuse you? No, no. I'm saying, you know, you're like a diabolical genius. I am diabolical. what that friend meant was. no, no, no. he's a big boy. he can speak for himself. Evil. How? I meant it as a compliment. I mean, you're crazy. crazy like a fox. crazy cool. I'm kidding you. I'm a frat. I'm kidding you.
I had him do that like a good fella. you scared them good, Boss. you scared them good. You know I love you, Man. I know.
Hey, I'm thirsty. are you thirsty? I'm a little thirsty. A frat.
Listen, why don't you put on this mustache and this hat and go to the store and buy us a soda? Boss, don't make me. No, it's one of my crazy diabolical plans. in this plan, you go to the store and buy sodas. Boss, please. Go. the evil guy is thirsty. we're going to stay here and watch the Larry King, huh?
Yeah, write that down. Okay. you got them good, Boss. thank you very much. I know. But if he comes back from the store, kill him. You got it. Okay? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_20_12_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Battuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 G'day, you're listening to the Weekly Battuta News Wrap. Thanks for tuning in. We're coming to you live from Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Battuta, and my name is Bruce Hitchcock. Joining me today to wrap up all the biggest stories from the week that was in news is me old mate Wendell Hussey. Yeah, hello again for another week, it is great to be here. This episode of The Bulletin is brought to you by our southern friends down at UTS Insearch.
If you're a recent school leaver this year and getting a high ATAR wasn't the be-all and end-all of your existence, then UTS Insearch can look after you. That's right, and if getting a high ATAR isn't the be-all and end-all of your existence, as you just said, then you're probably a normal human, so sleep easy on that one. The Insearch team offer an alternative pathway into the second year of a UTS degree in Sydney, so head to www.insearch.edu.au.
Now Del, just when you thought things were starting to settle down a little bit before Christmas, the news cycles heated up. Certainly has, Bruce. It's been a big week down in Canberra, despite the lack of parliamentary sitting. With the National Party making headlines, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has asked the National Party rooting machines to rein it in until the next election. This comes after Nationals member Andrew Broad announced that he wouldn't be contesting the next election due to the Sugar Baby scandal, following in the footsteps of his former leader, Barnaby Joyce. While Broad is reportedly considering making a run at becoming the next James Bond in the long-running franchise, and Barnaby has been reasonably well behaved, the embattled Prime Minister has asked them to just cool their jets until after the next election. Morrison said he's as fair dinkum a bloke as there will ever be, and he understands what has gone on with Andrew Broad overseas, but that he really does need these thirsty elder statesmen to keep it in their pants until midway through next year. That could be hard work for those two heartthrobs. Let's see how they go.
In other national news this week, it's been confirmed by the country's girlfriends that they can't wait for another two months of white noise on TV. The summer of cricket is already in full swing and has only been bolstered by the Big Bash kicking off overnight. With TVs around the country flicking between a couple of channels for the next two months, we spoke to some girlfriends about how excited they were. One woman from Batuta said she's so excited to watch a game she has absolutely no interest in. I absolutely love the one that takes five days, she said to us. Oh, and it's so cool that there's one during the day and then there is another one on at night. And the night ones are on every single night. Sounds like she's in for a stack of fun. And Del's still around the country.
We spoke to a young man who's still living in the past. Yeah, we did, bros. We sat down with a fourth-year university student at UTS who's been using the recent publication of this year's ATAR results to bring up what he got in the exams almost four prime ministers ago. The young man from Sydney's leafy North Shore said he doesn't like to brag about his results, but he did learn himself in the very highest percentile. He said he likes to drop it whenever he can just to let people know what kind of an operator they're dealing with. We spoke to one of his classmates at university who bombed her ATAR but got accepted through the UTS in-search program and she said that he has been painfully obnoxious for the last few days.
Very sad indeed. Back home in Batuta now and we were on the scene when a soon-to-be-very-unwell man decided to take another hash brownie five minutes after the first one because he didn't think it was working very well. The local man who probably smokes pot about once every two years decided that he must have a high tolerance to the THC in his mate's new batch of brownies and that one brownie just wasn't enough. Having never experimented with the cannabis-infused edibles before Scott Mayle, 31, decided to double down in short succession after the first one did absolutely nothing. He tucked in after ignoring the advice of others and at the time of press Scotty was seen brushing his teeth with a dead pigeon he found in a skip bin in the car park of his local Dan Murphy's.
And in other parts of town a local tradie has taken to social media this week to let his friends and followers know that he's got it pretty good right now. 23-year-old Kate and James did so by posting a photo of the picturesque location he's working at this week and titling it Today's Office. James told us that the post on his socials was just a cheeky uplifting shot to show off how nice the place he's working at is and to let all his pen-pushing friends and officers know how shit staring at the same cubicle wall every week is. James then said he couldn't ever work in an office before looking out at the location and telling us that it doesn't get much better than this.
And on the sporting front this week Florida rapper T-Pain has been left thoroughly confused by the amount of heat he's copying from Indian Twitter accounts. Told our reporters this morning that he was quite confused as to why a lot of Indians on social media were abusing him. What's a flat-track bully and what country does King Koli rule? Asked the rapper in what seems to be a case of mistaken identity. T-Pain said he was unsure what the game of cricket was or who T-Pain and Virat Kohli were but it asked for a bit of a break from social media channels.
I don't think he's got much of a chance of that happening. Yeah, not likely.
Anyway, that's the news wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussle. |
SaturdayNightLive | father_of_the_bride_snl | This is our home. 24 Maple Drive. we bought it when Annie was in grammar school. she even got married here. so many memories. Is that my beautiful daughter? Guess what? I'm engaged again father of the bride. Parking? That's right. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie's back and ready to give marriage an eighth shot. Annie. What makes you think I can afford an eighth Nancy Meyers style wedding. I'm financially drained. 52 Your mom started driving for Lift to pay your last wedding. Diane Keaton is back and more Diane Keaton than ever. she's an icon in beige and we're here for so, who the hell's planning this thing?
Don't don't tell me. Oh my God, don't tell me it's again.
Hi Frog. I can't do this. Howard. Hi George! Still an outstanding balance from the fifth wedding you'll be for the Shrimp Tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.
No, of course. Now, this is a faster juice, faster you something. you select a lot like Hot. First you know, because I want to talk about my back on the video thing. You get the head and if you don't have that what? That's right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner, Frank, doing an accent that I think is still okay. Let's all agree that it's okay. So any you're looking a little used goods, you know, this is about us. the juice cuz these are not.
I've seen bigger lumps and oatmeal so put them together and make one good one. Or do something or get a fake one. But ever it what you do it look lovely. but I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging, and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure. Oh, are you suggesting that I pay for my daughter's vaginal rejuvenation? my sister's privates right now, I feel like I might blow chunks. Did you forget Karen Colton was in this movie?
So did we? And so did he. But he was. and now he's not Succession.
So good for him and it wouldn't be a wedding without the whole family there. My sister in a wedding dress grows to the max. Oh by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonized pizza Mark, but you're so beautiful. what a mature braid. you really are beautiful Annie. my little girl, my little menopausal girl. This is so nice father with the bread. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer, Selena Gomez. You're even more beautiful in real life.
I know Frank. How much is she gonna cost me 1.8 million Easy? Oh, come on George singing to everybody. let's sing every party you. |
TheOnion | Congress_Debates_Elaborate_Dance_For_Obama_s_Inauguration | The chair recognizes Congressman Cummings. You have three minutes.
My fellow members of the Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, a new president taking office always brings great change. And this change must be marked with an appropriate dance. At this time, I'd like to present proposed Rider 4831B, which would append to the inauguration ceremonies a beautiful and symbolic dance routine. The dance, which will celebrate the great melting pot of America, is set to a score of diverse global rhythms created by my friend and colleague, Congressman Howell. The piece is entitled Wellsprings, and it synthesizes traditional waltzes with spicy Latin tangos and urban hip-hop beats.
The program will proceed in this order. At the first measure of the score, lights will go up on a stage accompanied by the quiet rumbling of African percussion. Voiceovers of past presidents taking the oath of office sound as a beautiful red-headed woman in a Victorian gown enters stage right and stands perfectly still until measure seven, when she leaps into the muscular arms of a black dancer wearing an eagle costume. The costume represents the eagle of Africa. Yes, thank you. Measure ten, a group of men to be clad only in green leotards, thereby representing both the promise and peril of money, will run in from stage left, chasing the child of eternal tomorrow. Hereafter referred to as the child. Measure 20, the child shall step onto the shimmering platform and begin the dance of liberty. A hip-hop waltz, which the record will reflect, proceeds as follows. Left, right, glissando, beat, beat, then she turns, beat, beat, and turn, beat, and turn.
Congressman, I just don't think we have funding for these elaborate gowns. Just give me $600 for velvet and another 50 for beads, sequins, and glue, and I'll make them myself.
Congressman Cummings, 30 seconds remaining. We still have to choose the subject for the inspirational poem to be read at the inauguration. I'll skip ahead to the end. As the Lincoln Bolero is finishing, the elders shall hand the staff of wisdom to the president-elect who exits the cocoon without him. Chief Justice Roberts shall cease tap dancing, he's been tap dancing for about 20 minutes now, and extend his arms to be lifted by the aforementioned breakdancing soul pilgrims. They will carry him to the president, who will then proceed to take the oath of office. |
dropout | the_planet_of_horny_tech_support | So this is where the I.T. department is? Yes, and not just for the interstellar legion. The router planet Y5489 is the source of internet for hundreds of thousands of systems. Wait, if this is Y5489, what was that? That's router planet Y5489 5G.
Got it. So it's like, kinda the same. Like, maybe a little faster? Should we try that one? Looks like we need a password to land. Fuck it. Here, let's just go with the first one.
According to the records, the wayfinder took escape pod number 24601. If we can access the hard line, we can track the location of the escape pod.
Get ready. These guys are total assholes. They spend their whole day in their own little internet bubble. Oh, come on. I mean, I use the internet. No, no, no. They are, like, cloaked into the internet. Some of them have to be normal. Welcome to the router planet. No.
No. Oh, sorry.
It's reflex at this point. We of the IT people, we have always known that the easiest solution is often the right answer. The right answer? What's going on? They move their lives tapped directly into the iNet. Let me explain. Identical. But better. We of the IT people live our lives tapped directly into the iNet. Total information.
Causing constantly through our superior minds. A pleasure that lower life forms, like ourselves, could never experience. Sure, maybe a life would hurt.
Right. Okay. Well, anyway, we still need to find this ship. We're hoping we can use your hard line. Hm. All business. Hm. Well, we can grant your wish.
After all, the sharing information is the greatest gift of all, even if one paltry fact could never compare to the pleasure of the eternal flow of cosmic data. Help me, Count. That's like the second time you've said pleasure. And why do they sound sensual? The circuits sing their symphony. Zeros and ones, zeros and ones, inducing an ecstasy born of pure knowledge.
And from all the porn, the iNet is 85% porn. Ooh, yeah. They get it. Oh, my God. Shut up.
Can you help us find the ship? Do you have a ticket? Sorry? I said, did you open a ticket for your help request?
No. You didn't start with that.
I thought maybe it was fine. Very, very well. I understand. I know I do.
But the thing is this. I really need you to have a ticket. Because I think you will understand that if I just let you get help without a ticket, then the next person comes along and they beg me to help them without a ticket. And then the whole system kind of collapses, and I'm afraid there's no order left.
Order, pleasure. Three. You don't hate me, do you? No. So we're going to walk outside, open up a ticket, and walk right back inside. Yes! Lovely. Of course. Thank you. Hey, we really do run a tight ship here.
Ha, ha, ha. I pity you. You who cannot feel the caress of code against your neurons.
You who must now stop watching this episode, because you haven't yet signed up for Dropout. A pleasure panelist awaits you behind the paywall. Join us at dropout.tv.
This Valkyrian Prime may think herself invincible, but nobody makes a fool out of her. Oh, my cape. I'm being flushed. Oh, no. Not again. Oh, I'm not going out like this. |
dropout | how_hot_people_ruin_your_night | I was supposed to drink the coins, right? Maybe. Oh, god damn it.
A bunch of good looking people just walked in.
Why is that a problem? Is it because you're gonna be self-conscious about your looks? Is it because they're bad at conversation because they never had to learn? Ooh, they remind you of unobtainable social standards.
No. It's because now I'm gonna have to go over there to try to fuck all of them. Can't. Hey, I don't like it either. Trying to fuck good looking people's hard work.
Can't you take a night off? Yeah, can you imagine?
Let me know if I owe someone money for the beer. Hey, I'm serious. If I don't do this tonight, I'm gonna regret it tomorrow.
There will always be hot people, okay? They're a renewable resource. Yeah, you're right. You guys are my friends. Friends are more important than work.
Okay, trying to hook up with people isn't work, but good. Are you on Tinder right now? And Bumble and Grindr. Well, you know, these apps make it so you never get a night off.
You know. No. In a lot of ways. No. Our connected world means we're less connected than ever.
Ugh, I hate how focused on this you are right now. I hate that you hate that I love to love. What? And loving in this case means trying to bag attractives. Oh, awful. Is it awful to work hard at what you love?
I am, in the immortal words of John Lennon, a working class hero. Again, not work. And couldn't the workers use a hero these days?
Please stop. Just as DaVinci never slept, so too will I never shrink from my duty of trying to stick it in some quality wet. Oh, gross. What separates the dreamers from the achievers? How about having the self-respect not to go and bother a bunch of strangers in public? Oh. Drive. Why are you like this? Gosh.
You know, I guess it's because I'm from the Midwest, where we believe in hard work. We believe in this nation of possibilities. This is America. And in America, we roll up our sleeves and say, what can I do?
How can I be of service? Oh, not another monologue. And what I can do is try to ball good-looking young people. Because the only thing harder than going after what you want to achieve is looking at yourself in the mirror if you don't even try. So while I may want to stay with you, my friends, my comfort, and my safety, I am duty-bound to try to hump those probably models. For may I never be too busy to try to eat out a stranger at their apartment. Too tired to teach a college student how to give a hand job. Too proud to daisy-chain. May I always be American.
Oh, wow. Thanks, brother. Oh, yeah. No, I hate him. Yeah. Appreciate it. Hey, what happened?
Oh, they heard me talking. They think I'm a creep. |
TheOnion | Web_Series_Reaches_100_Views | Next up, Nicolas Cage's life comes to a tragic middle, but first it's the video sensation that's taking the internet by storm. A web series on YouTube passed the 100 views mark this week. Titled Andrew and John, the wildly popular webisodes feature roommates Andrew Vanier and John Haney playing fictionalized versions of themselves in unusual situations, mostly set in and around their Chicago apartment.
Dude, did you get my tart? What's a tart? Oh, you just texted me a fart.
Their latest short titled Laundry Day reached the unprecedented 100-view milestone this week after a heavy promotional push in which the duo posted the skits to their Facebook pages. The show's creators took a moment to talk about their whirlwind success. We didn't set out to get a ton of views or anything, so this is a really cool surprise. I mean, we were just goofing around in the apartment one day and John was like, why aren't we filming this? Yeah, it was surreal to see that view counter kind of go up and up and up and then stop at 100. The hit video features the roommates wearing unconventional outfits while scrounging up enough change to do laundry in their basement. Other popular episodes include Foreign Landlord featuring John's friend, Brett, from work, a music video parody of I'm On A Boat, and a video where Andrew suspects John might be a zombie. Our videos consistently get over 50 views now, but Laundry Day, it's the first one that's really taken off.
Yeah, it's so crazy, like everyone I know has seen it. It's completely viral. My brother showed it to all of his friends at college.
I'd say we're a bit like Monty Python meets It's Always Sunny with a little bit of The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm and Workaholics, but we really want to do our own thing. Haney and Vanier say they have no immediate plans to move to L.A., but they are definitely ready if they have to. We're really gunning for the Louis C.K. deal, you know, less money, more creative control.
It's just a really great starting place. You know, a lot of the big names in comedy right now got their start on YouTube like us. If anything, it's a really great confidence boost. Now we're able to walk into a pitch and show that we have a building audience of 100 people. We're in a good place.
When we come back, Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters star Jeremy Renner admits he has no recollection of making that film.
The hit video features the roommates wearing unconventional outfits while scrounging up enough change to do laundry in their basement. Other popular episodes include Foreign Landlord featuring John's friend Brett from work, a music video parody of I'm on a Boat, and a video where Andrew suspects John might be a zombie. Our videos consistently get over 50 views now.
But Laundry Day, that's the first one that's really taken off.
Yeah, it's so crazy. Like, everyone I know has seen it. It's completely viral. My brother showed it to all of his friends at college.
I'd say we're a bit like Monty Python meets It's Always Sunny with a little bit of The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm and Workaholics. But we really want to do our own thing. Haney and Vanier say they have no immediate plans to move to L.A., but they are definitely ready if they have to. We're really gunning for the Louis C.K. deal, you know, less money, more creative control.
It's just a really great starting place. You know, a lot of the big names in comedy right now got their start on YouTube like us. If anything, it's a really great confidence boost. Now we're able to walk into a pitch and show that we have a built-in audience of 100 people. We're in a good place.
When we come back, Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters star Jeremy Renner admits he has no recollection of making that film. |
cracked | why_the_big_bang_theory_is_secretly_about_the_apocalypse | Here's the entire history of our universe in 18 seconds. They don't call that show the Big Bang Theory because America loves sitcoms named after physical cosmology.
They call it that because it's more than a comedy. Or less than a comedy. You've seen YouTube, right?
We're just going to hide out in here to avoid the shame-y.
Point is, the Big Bang Theory is secretly a history of the end of the universe. And the idiot man-child scientist who will bring it about. The intro spells it out every episode. This show's events are set in a specific time in the chronology of the universe. A chronology eventually defined by human activity, whose end point is the goofy main characters we've come to know and love and pay a million bucks an episode. And the show's other details make it a multi-cam record of modern science. From the real math of its background equations, to its dialogue that's been scientifically verified by a UCLA physicist, and by the show's resident doctor of neuroscience.
How many people think that you can solve calculus at the drop of a hat? I actually was trained in calculus.
The Big Bang Theory depicts the Newtons and Teslas of our time to explain their downfall. Because we aren't seeing thinkers in the mold of serious scientists of yesteryear hunkered down at Los Alamos or Oak Ridge in radioactive typewriter cubicles. Now these Milanadorks spend their time goofing off and going girl crazy, like a Poindexter CBS friends, right down to living in the West Coast version of that apartment. On the Big Bang Theory, we watch the greatest minds of our generation waste their talents to focus on reading Green Lantern comics and banging Cheesecake Factory waitresses. Those would-be Enrico Fermis are such jerk-offs that they're using their knowledge to program robots to literally jerk them off. Because Leonard, Sheldon, Guy from Dr. Horrible, and other Guy are not of Einstein and Oppenheimer's generation. They're from a generation raised on and infantilized by television. Their heroes play scientists on TV. They're people who are less William Runken and more William Nye. It's worse than the episode where they meet their all-time hero, Professor Proton, a guy working children's birthday parties, basically a magician with a periodic table. Yet these grown adults, with PhDs in hard stuff-ology, pay him to do basic experiments with them and insist he's as cool as a movie hero.
Sheldon's the most tragic case of all.
He could be this century's Nikola Tesla, a virginal introvert with the mental capacity to change the world. Instead, he and his lunch buddies are spending a decade of their potential prime getting just distracted enough from their work to become Death Destroyer of Worlds by accident.
Because they will end the universe, you guys. And again, the show's title is not a coincidence. When the bare naked ladies sing about the Big Bang Theory, they frame it as if the universe's growth and human technology's advancement are two processes spinning out of control. Erasmus Darwin theorized an expanding universe as early as 1791, and we've been able to measure its movement for almost a century. Now, if the universe is infinite in extent and the cosmological principle does not apply and the expansion speed does not exceed the escape velocity, then the mutual gravitational attraction while it's matter will eventually cause it to contract.
Is a thing I read on Wikipedia. It's the internet. It's how we learn.
Point is one of the most likely scenarios for where the Big Bang's endless expansion will lead is something called the Big Crunch, a scenario where the universe reaches its limit, collapses back in on itself, and reboots with another Big Bang, killing all of us. The Big Bang Theory, the show's scientists are bogged down in sitcom relationship drama and weekly comedic wackiness. There's no chance they can focus on their work, and they work at Caltech, one of the most advanced scientific institutions on Earth. The kind of place where you don't just design particle accelerators, you design the newest ones, and research the structure of space-time and come up with what we launch into orbit. They go to work every day to invent every next piece of future of the kind Michael Crichton used to turn into thriller horror. And when a scientist becomes our tralfamidorian test pilot and destroys the universe through technical hubris, it'll probably be because they weren't careful.
Because they were distracted with...
Insert sitcom bullshit here. You get it. And yes, I don't know exactly how humanity might induce something like the Big Crunch, but that's because the show about how that happens is renewed through 2017. So go ahead, Chuck Lorre. Keep drawing out the inevitable will they or won't they, because everyone knows the TV answer is always will they, they will. Whether it's Ross and Rachel, or the universe, and it's heat death that's gonna kill us.
Man, I'm just... Why are we even making this? Hi guys, thanks for watching. And let us know in the comments if you think the Big Bang Theory is good or deep or terrible or whatever you... I mean... I don't know, man.
I mean, I get paid, but it's not a lot of money. I wanted you to like something for free. I had to get up at seven for this, and that's not good for me, but I got like two hours of sleep. Cheers is really good, it turns out. |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_If_We_Don_t_Elect_Trump_Our_Enemies_Will | When people ask me why I think Trump will be the greatest leader America's ever had, I tell them to imagine how scared America's enemies will be when we elect Donald Trump. Would you want to face off against Trump? Think about it. If the shoe was on the other foot, and he was a leader of Iran or Syria or China, Donald Trump would be the fiercest enemy America's ever seen. Now Donald Trump loves America, and he would love to be president of the United States. But just for the sake of argument, what if we make the wrong choice in November, and some other smarter country makes him an offer? Wouldn't you be terrified? Donald and I often joke that if he were the Ayatollah of Iran, he'd have Israel wiped off the map by next week. He would begin bombing America shortly after that, because that's how decisive and strong Trump is. Trump's a builder.
Every day all over America, he deals with pipes, grids, electric. So just by doing his job, he knows all the weaknesses in our infrastructure. He loved to use that know-how to defend us. But if we pass on him, why shouldn't he leverage his expertise elsewhere?
What if North Korea calls tomorrow and offers him supreme leader for life? And what if Russia wants to entice him to make a whole new Soviet Union, twice as nuclear? Think what they could offer. The parades in Red Square, the monuments, the statues. And what are you giving? Some piss poor little frolic in Cleveland fucking Ohio? What about this is befitting to the greatest leader the world will ever see?
Only in my worst nightmares does my mind even allow me to speculate on what a Muslim Trump would be like. There wouldn't be a Jew alive on earth once he's done with Trump's jihad. And you know he'd murder Jews sympathizers as well. Can we really afford not to elect Trump? Because believe me, if we don't, I'm headed to whatever country does and fast. |
SaturdayNightLive | eternal_spark_of_love_froyo_snl | Hey, hey, aren't you in French class with my brother? um, who's your brother? John? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. What's your name? Stephen. Oh, my name's Kendra. Oh that's a nice name.
Oh yeah, making connections is a wonderful thing. It's what makes the world go round and round. It can happen at the Eiffel Tower. It can happen at a yogurt store in the mall for we are all part of the splendid, wonderful world of love. Come let's take a journey.
What kind of yogurt did you get? Chocolate Raspberry? Oh, yeah. What kind of yogurt did you get? Dolce de la Che? Oh, that sounds good. Two different kinds of yogurt. Two different hearts swirled together and like yogurt. Making a connection is both creamy and dreamy for when two flavors are combined, they can create the greatest flavor of all.
Love. Who are you here with? Oh, my Mom. She wanted me to come to the mall to help her with gift ideas. say you're here at the mall with your mom. Did he say that it came to the mall with his mama? Looks like we hit a speed bump on the road to a true connection, but not to worry when two and eight Wait, I'm not finished with it When two innocent souls believe love will always prevent.
What is that? Oh this?
That's a rubber ball? A ball. Yeah, sometimes when I get nervous, I like to squeeze a ball real hard. Hmm like real hard.
Makes me feel better. Yeah, it's kind of weird I guess. Oh, I like your necklace. Oh, thank you. What is that? a butterfly? Yeah, it's pretty.
Yeah, there you go player. that's right Man, who did that? Jimmy? was that you? Jimmy. Come on man. come on Jimmy.
Yeah, I have a necklace too. Oh, yeah. yeah, it's a Samwise Gamgee. A Hobbit from Lord of the Rings. What? Yeah, he's my best friend. No, I'm really into hobbits because, you know, I'm also kind of unusually hairy.
Turn the music off. Turn off the damn music.
I'll never mind what's wrong with you. I'm taking your yogurt. A little weirdo. Bring me all the way down here for stuff like this. you ain't never gonna see me again. I think you're cute. really? Oh, you want to go to a movie? Sure. Oh, yeah, I like you. See in the world of love, all things are possible. You. |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_fatter | Hey pal, good to have you back. Hey guys. Say hi Mars. Hi.
Let's just jump right into it. You ready?
Three, two, one.
Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Alright, that was pretty good Josh. We just really want to hear how delicious that sandwich is, right? So maybe if you could just emote a little more for us. Okay. Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Just terrific.
Can we do ten pounds fatter? Fatter?
Yeah, like he's trying to resist that sandwich but he just can't. Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Let's try a hundred pounds fatter. Yeah, and this time when you get to the end, like you just can't help but take a bite.
Okay? Uh, okay.
Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Two hundred pounds fatter. And your wife of 20 years is going to leave you if you take a bite of the sandwich but you're going to. You're going to pick the sandwich of your wife. Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Alright, this time you're going to gain a hundred pounds during the course of the sentence. It's like a fat crescendo. Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's.
Okay, now you weigh a thousand pounds like one of those disgusting people on reality shows. Have you seen those?
Yeah, sure. And there's a crane lifting you out of your own house but you just won't let go of that sandwich you're holding on for dear life. Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties. Yeah? Screaming? Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread.
Sobbing. Fats fat sobbing. Fat fat sobbing.
All right, you're the first one thousand pound president of the United States.
Okay, if we don't have what we need then I would be a dead man. And I'm alive. Okay, thanks guys. You made me hungry, Josh.
He can't hear you. |
dropout | can_i_give_you_a_ticket_with_anna_torv | License and registration, please. What's the problem, officer?
The problem, sir, is that you were speeding. No, I wasn't. I clocked you doing 80 and a 65. There's no way. I have my cruise control set to 70. It's impossible. Are you sure that you weren't speeding? What? Well, I was paying super close attention, and it really looked like you were speeding. Well, I wasn't. Maybe you confused me with another car.
That's funny. You are funny.
See, the thing is, Jim, I am just one itty bitty speeding ticket away from making quota this month, and I was really hoping that I could give it to you. Well, I'm sorry, officer, but I can't help you. And you're stupid. Are you crying? It's just that I don't make my quota, and then my boss is going to take my car, so I may even get fired. Jesus, I don't want you to lose your job. There's nothing you can do. I'm sorry for wasting your time. Wait.
What if I was speeding? Your cruise control was on. Sometimes cruise control doesn't work. Really? You would do that for me? I suppose I could have been going 75, 85, 95 miles per hour.
And your left tail light was out? I just bought new tail lights last month, and I guess they were defective. And you scraped a school bus on Route 31?
I want to stop you there. Thank you, Jim. I promise that I will never give you another speeding ticket. You're welcome. Do you think you want to get dinner sometimes? I don't think so. That'll be $485. Have a nice day. |
TheOnion | Hobby_Lobby_Announces_It_Muslim_Now | Hobby Lobby has announced that it's Muslim now. The arts and crafts chain, once known for its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity, will be adopting the word of the Quran and require employees to pray five times a day. Hobby Lobby CEO David Green also announced that the chain's nearly 1,000 stores would all be arranged to face Mecca, adding that, quote, While Christianity was fine and all, it has never been more clear that the word of the prophet Muhammad is the one true religion, and thus the one true religion for Hobby Lobby. Praise be to Allah, Allah Akbar.
Gen Z, how are you meeting people outside of dating apps? I've had some luck with websites. They're like apps, but on the computer.
Was lucky enough to have my fringe religious sect assign me a reproductive partner at birth. My boyfriend and I met when we were both struck by the same bullet at school. I'm actually developing an AI algorithm that can simulate the exact experience of falling in love in virtual space. I met a lot of people after I went to the hospital because of the lead poisoning I got from my Stanley Cup. I've met all my romantic partners by driving a car 200 miles per hour down the road while wearing a blindfold and seeing who I hit. I've opened myself up to dating things beyond our mortal coil, like orbs of light and spirits of unknowable age. Glory holds.
Okay, TikTok, it's time to decide once and for all. Morning worms, or evening worms? You can only choose one. So hard to decide. But you must pick one. What's it going to be? The rest will be slaughtered to feed our family. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Peter_Garrett_Part_2 | Now this is part two of the Batutah Advocates interview with Peter Garrett, former front man of Midnight Oil, former cabinet minister of the Kevin Rudd, Julie Gillard era Labour Party federal government. He's a very interesting man, he's had a very interesting career and he's still doing lots of things which we're talking about in this episode. If you haven't listened to the first one you should do yourself a favour and go back to listen to part one. Finally watching Nemesis, all three episodes, ABC's Nemesis which is basically maths but for disgraced public servants. The one thing that shocked me which I know is such a big deal to the politicians and not to the punters is Morrison had secretly sworn himself in in five ministries.
No one gives a fuck about what, you know, of all the dumb things he's done that doesn't really rate for the punter. It doesn't rate next to Hawaii, it doesn't rate next to saying women should be met with bullets.
I don't hold a hose. Yeah, I don't hold a hose.
All these things. Standing on that bloke's lawn is just freshly reseated it. Yeah, absolutely.
Sacrilegious baby. That is sacrilegious baby.
And then all these, you know, all these things. And Orkus, you know, that's a very political thing, but people could see what he was doing there, which was, you know, trying to basically get photographed next to Boris and Trump. And that's and Biden. That's what that was.
But the way the political class and media class, even in Nemesis, which does put it all on the table, but I wouldn't say that they have missed anything. But they did spend a lot of time focusing on the five ministries, which I understand is a betrayal to your colleagues and a betrayal to the system in Parliament House, but no one really gives a fuck about. Did you find that when you went into politics, you're like, why are we getting caught up on these? I don't want to say Canberra bubble, but we want to say these these are very much insider issues. OK, so I'm not a great fan of Nemesis. I haven't watched much of it. And I think it's pretty puerile the way in which they've filmed it, all this sort of, you know, give me one word to describe X and so on. And from my perspective, as a former cabinet minister in a reforming government spoken like a true poly. I see a bunch of private school boys, which I am one, but I didn't really like these sorts of people who basically wasted two terms doing bugger all and just fighting with one another over the spores of power. So I see it as being a gross insult to Australian people, but I can't watch it.
Now, to answer your question, people queue up in consulates all around the world to try and get access either as a visa or asylum seeking or to try and come across under a work permit or whatever to go live in another country. And they queue up in front of Australian consulates just about more than any other country in the whole world, bar none.
Always do. And I suspect they always will for the future, at least our foreseeable future.
And one of the reasons they do that is because in their own countries, they might be wars, there might be poverty, there might be all sorts of stuff going on. But there's also a system that doesn't hold because it's either corrupted, not properly supported or understood or not taken seriously by the people who have got the wheels of power or the leaves of power or those who've elected them or put them there. So you're talking to somebody with a legal background who's going to give you a very straight sort of almost university type professor textbook answer to say nothing is more important than issues of ministerial responsibility, separation of powers, departments that are doing their own thing and have got a budget to do it. Nothing is more important than not having one person, whether it's a prime minister or a treasurer or something else, suddenly deciding for him or herself that they're going to be the minister of this, that and the other. Nothing is more important.
So for me, it is a massive big thing and it showed and it showed how utterly, utterly ill suited to prime ministership Morrison was. The answers he gave very much still showed that he didn't really think much of it. Totally. No, I saw bits of that. It was it was embarrassing. Yeah. What would you say is an example of detachment, though? You know, I would say maybe maybe in the case of politics, that is a huge issue in the case of media coverage of it. I don't think it's of much interest to be as big a deal as it was. It feels like something that should be dealt with and tied up and shamed. Right. This particular thing, this particular thing, ministries. But we do end up with these things like, as they say, a nemesis, which you haven't watched.
But, you know, Senator Bragg saying all throughout COVID, we weren't in Parliament. Parliament didn't sit longer than nine, nine p.m. When it came to eight weeks out from an election trying to pass a religious discrimination act, we had to sit till four a.m. Did you find a lot of that in parliament?
Like these are not issues that people want. These are issues where you're representing the interests of church leaders or, you know what I mean, or a small, small group of powerful people.
So I think that the coalition basically did diddly squat in the time that they were there. They've got very little to show for it. And they got into the religious discrimination business almost by default. And they didn't manage it particularly well. And there wasn't a proper debate around it.
The Rudd Gillard governments, particularly the Gillard government, probably passed a lot of laws to do a lot of things. I mean, I had to do that thing that I went into the parliament for, which is draw up legislation, get the money for it, change the funding system for kids in schools all over Australia, consult with, you know, every school system. I mean, it's a massive exercise. You've got people to help you. You're not doing it all yourself. Then you've got to wheel this thing into the parliament itself, which was a hung parliament. And then it's got to go up to the Senate where you may not have the numbers. I mean, by the time you get that bit of legislation through, seriously, you're lying on the ground, you know, you're sweating, you're a wreck.
But you've got it done. And then once you've done it, it's in place. And when it's in place, it stays in place. The other mob came through and tried to knock the edges off it. But we bolted it down pretty strongly.
It's in what's called the forward estimates. Everyone's eyes are completely glazing over when I get to this part of the discussion. But that means that every year you don't have to go back to the parliament to get them to approve the fact that you want to spend money on public schools. It's already in the system. Guess what? Next budget, it's going to roll over and the money's still going to be there.
I mean, hallelujah. That alone, I'm telling you now, it was worth being in there. And I've got plenty of others. That's a really good example for me. Yeah, for me.
And probably for the public interest as opposed to Catholic schools to sack gay teachers.
Yeah, no, no. No, no. Exactly. Yeah. For the public interest. Yeah. Well, can I just we just want to go to that.
You were nuclear disarmament. We know that the nuclear disarmament movement at some point teamed up with anti forestry in Tasmania and a bunch of other scallywags and created the Australian Greens.
But you ended up being part of a labor reform and government. Thank you very much. Where did you make that decision to moderate? Because and I'll say moderate now because I want to eventually talk to where the Greens have ended up and what they were then, which was radical. Even by labor reform as standard. So I had two very basic, simple reasons.
Firstly, I'd been in and associated with the Labor Party for many years. My mum was friends with Whitlam. The family knew Whitlam as well. And we were an outpost in a liberal seat, handing out the labor flyers. I've done all of that. I'm a student of Australian politics. I've always cared a lot about the politics of the country. And I studied politics. I was in Canberra when the Whitlam government was there. I'm there in the steps when he says, God save the Queen.
Yeah. You see, I'm standing right a bunch of students right at the very back on the other side. Yeah. You know, all part of it, you know, so I went up to the parliament, used to go up to the house at night in the old parliament and just hang around. So are you a Canberra boy? No, no. I went to ANU. Right. And I'm a Sydney boy. Yeah.
Anyway, long story short, I'd had a long and strong association with the Labor Party. And I had the view, which I still have, despite its imperfections. It's been the major force of institutional reform in the country since Federation.
It's just not for me. There's no question statistically, factually and historically. So that's the first thing. The second thing is I'm not a big fan of self-righteousness. There's a place for it. And I've had my moments. I'm happy to confess it or maybe not happy, but it's true. But self-righteousness, which suggests that we're going to say just about anything and everything about what we feel, what we think, even the policies that are good.
But we are going to give no thought and have no possible plans for actually putting it into practice at all. I'm not sure I want to be on that team. And I don't want to be on the team where we're trying to outdo one another by showing how virtuous we are, because I am a practical guy in my head and I'd been involved in politics of all sorts, on blockades, defending rainforests, negotiating with ministers, trying to change budgets.
All the bits and pieces that go on with these things. And I knew that in order to make things work, you needed to be in government to do it. Right. That was the thinking. That's the thinking. I felt at home there. Do you still believe it works? That's what I want to ask. Imperfectly? Yes. That's the best one we've got so far, even though it's got lots of problems. It can work quite effectively.
So you didn't leave there disheartened? You didn't leave powerful? No, no, no. Not from there. I was born actually, if I was a bit younger and if Rudd hadn't come back.
Right. Okay. What about Rudd? Was it that you thought I'm out? Pretty much. State of origin thing. Look, it's on the record and I'm not trying to duck the question, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones at this point. Well, there's one thing, bygones by bygones, I need to ask now, now that we're talking about politics and we're talking about it in hindsight and you can no longer have poll numbers affect you or be on the victim of Sky News. Once upon a time you were lying on a couch with Bono and Daniel Johns, did you inhale? Oh, man. And actually, absolutely not. No question. But you know, I can, Salaria, she brought that up.
So I, maybe not, I maybe probably shouldn't even talk about it now, but look, I've never talked about the people that I'm particularly friendly with, who I've met over the years. And, you know, and I met the UEs long ago. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm well enough to call them the UEs, I've never heard them. In a rough pub. So the fact that we are spending time together in my world is not a particularly big deal at all.
However, Daniel was there. And Daniel slipped up on radio and you were a cabinet minister.
And I got the phone, there was a political journo back in the day, he's not around anymore, he's still alive, but he was the heavy hitter, Laurie Oakes. So I get the phone call, Peter, Laurie Oakes, I'm thinking, oh, Laurie Oakes never rings me.
So, nah, look, I smoked a bit of dope when I was at uni, along with my colleagues. Riverina Rollie. Ah, well, whatever was going, but when I was chosen as a candidate for the NDP, which was in 1984, I basically said to myself, okay, that's it, nothing at all. Because I didn't want it to be something which would tip up the campaign. Falling off a planter box in the middle of Canberra. Just to pick a random example.
So you really were actually squeaky clean. Because I would have imagined you'd probably still been a little bit about that life and were walking in two worlds. But it sounds like that life wasn't really that life to begin with anyway. Not really. I mean, look, hey, I enjoy myself, I enjoy socialising, spending time with people and staying up late and playing music loud and doing all of that. That's in me. But, you know, I had to do that. And also our political opponents, particularly the right and others that didn't want to see us get anywhere, would go digging. And of course they thought, both times around, that they'd find lots of stuff. You stay squeaky.
Watching Nemesis, so many of these people are particularly unlikeable as just people and characters. Outside of politics and leaving politics, are there any people that you still catch up with or you consider as friends? Are there many, if any? So, not many.
I mean, I had a couple of friends before I went in that I knew, names that, I mean, Warren Snowden, he was the member of the Linki Ari, he was in the house for a long time. I knew him from way back in the day. And because I'd known him before, he was a mate, would still talk to and consider as friends people like Nicola Roxen, former Attorney General, Tanya Plibersek, the current Environment Minister, Julia, and Wayne and a bunch of others. We worked closely together.
It took me a while. It took them a while and it took me a while.
In other words, because I wasn't in a faction, I had to develop a level of trust with them that was probably a bit greater than if I'd grown up with them all, you know, going young labor and what have you. By the time I had education and I'd been in the Cabinet for, you know, a full term, you develop strong working relationships with people and I respected and liked most of my colleagues on our side. I'm not a hater, unlike Latham and those sorts of people, and I'm very happy to walk out and say, all right, we're out of the ring and let's go and have a drink or a cup of tea or whatever, don't necessarily want to do it, but I'm willing to do it. But there were a few on the other side that I liked, but not many on that side of politics, because I'm still a political animal at heart, so it's unlikely we're going to find common ground. Do you have any unusual animal friends, you know, like the Pine and Albo or the Catter and Dylee? They obviously come to be close friends, of course, and the independents.
Yeah, not really. You were there for work. Well, I'm actually absolutely right, you know, like Wednesday night is the night when everyone goes out socializing and you see what happens then. I understood it, but people still wanted me to switch back into PG, Midnight Oil, karaoke, you know, you can all that on a Wednesday night and I just couldn't do it.
So you're dealing with late bloomers, that's another thing we've learnt. They're late bloomers, right?
Yeah, totally. They've never had anyone shout them a beer until they're 40 years old. And they're tone deaf, you know, there's some lovely people there and Steve Gibbons was a good friend of mine and he was a Labor guy, but he was a muso and he just loved sitting in his office and he'd just sit at night with a cup of tea or something, just playing his fender and you'd just go in and just say, oh mate, just do a bit of this or a bit of that. That was fun, but nothing outside. Yeah, right.
Well, and just lastly speaking of the Greens now, you were talking about how the righteousness and the ideology, the idea of outdoing one another has kind of, I guess, left politics and entered culture now. Social media has kind of become a place for people to not just pick one lane. That's a new thing people cannot do. They jump on whatever comes and there's pet causes and there's a lot of insincerity with activism right now. And I do think people are getting found out bit by bit as it becomes clear that they aren't capable of articulating certain issues, even though they feel entitled to. The Greens were always big on doing that to one another in person at press conferences and whatever else. Now correct me if I'm wrong, this is my theory. I think the Queensland element, the Queensland faction headquarters, whatever, have changed the Greens and actually turned them into something that's quite similar, I think, to the oils as we described it earlier. And I'm not being a cheerleader here for the Greens because, you know, you can read the patoota advocate to see how much they dislike us, but read the comments of the patoota advocate to see how much they dislike us. The idea of being yourselves and the punter responding to that, as opposed to wanting to be seen as something and having the punter respond to that, the Greens have kind of shifted towards that.
With success.
Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't say they're moderated, but they've toned it down a little bit in Queensland particularly where they win three seats in the lower house taking two from Liberals. That's not the Greens you had to deal with. No, but you know what, I mean, I think they're part of the Green policy, which I strongly support, you know, like climate stuff and on their environment end of things. But they, I always felt that for them to be truly powerful and effective in the house, that they would need to be essentially an environment party and to continue to advance policies and actually dialogue and language and with papers and whatever that was all about that. Because, you know, that's what we've got to come to terms with. Instead, the Teals became the Environment Party. In part, that's true. And once Bob Brown, who had a very strong Tasmanian for us, emphasis left, it has become something else. Yeah. So I think there's some very good people there, but I think that they, membership wise certainly, and in terms of some of the policy positions, it's hard for them to escape getting a tidal wave of performative left progressive politics swinging over them and back again.
And then they're sort of going, oh, maybe that's where we need to go. Maybe that's where we don't. Well, I thought Gaza would test them. I thought, I don't think they've dropped the ball as badly as they would have in the years gone.
But I just found that Queensland, that Max Chandler-Marr particularly, on the housing is appealing to a whole lot of non-traditional Greens voters. And the campaign, like remove climate change from the actual placards and use words like environmentalism and, you know, conservation. People are happy to read that, you know, just avoid the maligned kind of terms. And then free mental and dental. It's a great campaign.
You know what I mean? Because everyone's teeth are fucked and their cousin's in jail. So yeah. And you know what?
It's a real challenge to Labor to be a truly social democratic party taking that tradition from its past and connecting with people who might not necessarily be traditional Labor voters. And maybe even that plugged into the political process. I mean, Greens can exercise power responsibly. They did it in Tasmania for a while and look at them in Germany, like in their stuff on the Ukraine. I think Dina Tarly showed a good way forward for them to not get caught up on legalising weed for dogs and that sort of shit, you know, and actually, and I think that comes from the fact that he was a footy player who, you know, interacted with people outside of the traditional Greens. He'd done the trip carry around Australia and kind of had a bit more to talk about. The only reason we're talking about the Greens so much is because they realistically are the only ones who are in the process of a moderation.
The Liberal Party, I just cannot believe how fucked they are in terms of, not in terms of, you know, they're not going to die any time soon, but I don't think they're going to get elected. And if they do, they're not going to get elected with the people they need to last.
Well, you know, what's interesting for me, I mean, people expect me to be partisan about it because, you know, I was a Labor poly and that's where my sympathies are. But I was genuinely surprised, like I do mean genuinely surprised, to find out that they didn't really have a program, but really. So do you mean as in terms of a rank and file? No, like a reform agenda or like policies, we want to change the country by doing this and that. I mean, you know, the employers will get up and say the union stuff's, you know, it's too strong and you should wind it back or big business will, you know, sort of say, but they're not even that close to big business. And I think for, yeah, I'm just really surprised they didn't have a program. I mean, one of your earlier questions was really interesting, Clance, because no one looks at it and it doesn't matter if people don't look at it, you know, like if some young man or young woman in twenty five years time sits in a high school library somewhere or online digitally and has a look at, you know, what did the Labor government of the 2000 to 2017 actually do? Just the list of things and go, oh, OK, I didn't know this.
That's all. You don't want the headlines because actually the media is not that interested in either. You know, when I had something good to talk about that we were doing that I thought was really good, like spending our money well, you know, creating a national park or, you know, any energy efficiency standards, you know, in buildings, there'd be one person in the press conference, you know, if it was, you know, well, why didn't Kevin Rudd make you, you know, this, that or the other, there'd be a hundred of them there. Yeah, right. The momentous, tormented, conflictual passion play, rubbish that they go on with in Canberra, it is in the bubble, but it gets translated out and it's the way it is, you can't stop it. Obama has a bit to answer for there with the euphoria he created with Change We Can. So I think Obama is one of the great disappointments in modern American history. Yeah, right. No doubt. Yeah, well, just that Change We Can, like pretty much after that, everything had to have that level of emotion to have any cut through. It was populism. Yeah, but you know, that's right.
But I mean, even though he had to deal with difficult politics in both houses, he also had to do stuff, you know, like get stuff done. Like be emphatic internationally, which he wasn't. Like he let Syria get off, Assad and co get off with blue murder. You know, he carried a big stick, but he never used it. And the health stuff was pretty good. But Biden, even though I'm not sure he's going to actually get it.
Everyone. It's not a partisan thing anymore. Everyone is just like, no, he's not.
You know, Biden has actually done more like the climate reconstruction bill stuff that they've done. And they've done a lot of really good things over there. Reform a government.
First time I've heard that term. That's why I've said it three or four times. I like it.
Was there a moment in the first kind of couple of months or whether it was a year or whatever, getting into Canberra and just being aware of the mammoth task you face in terms of trying to get action on climate change? So I was in charge of it, but not once we became government. So Rudd Penny became the climate change minister and I had environment and other things. But when we were in opposition, I did have it. And we'd drawn up all the policy. And you know what? You're now talking to somebody who is right into the entrails of how governments get to do things properly. No, I knew how big the issue was.
I knew it was a tough one. It's still incredibly tough.
And it's one of the reasons I went into the parliament. I hated the position that the Tories were taking and I wanted us to do better. But I knew that if we synchronised good thinking, smart technical advice with the power of the Treasury and the power of a government, we could get onto it and fix it. And I was excited about that.
And in a way, that's what makes the first knockback of the carbon pollution reduction scheme with Abbott and the Greens so terrible, because when that thing finally got in, it worked. Most people don't know that. Most people have no idea that when we finally legislated, and it was a carbon tax, but when we finally legislated, emissions dropped. The money was recycled from the tax to help poor people pay their power bills and the companies didn't go out of business.
So who is the index problem, would you say? And I imagine it's not someone in Parliament House. When you were doing that and these things are getting wheeled back and these things are getting banged up, and then we think we've kind of got to a level of collective kind of common sense. And then we had that 2019 election where we're just denying it again, obviously then being immediately humbled by the Black Summer bushfires. Who is the index problem? Who is the...
So shared responsibility is the answer. Is it a man named Mitch Hook? Well, it can be. But it's shared responsibility.
The business model of polluters is such that they'll keep going until they're stopped. And the only way that they can be stopped legally is by government. It has to pass a law saying they shall not do this anymore or make it too expensive for them. Yeah, they're the index problem, but they're not going to change.
Who's compromising all of these people? Who are the ones that we see that change in someone like Barnaby Joyce? The political system is compromising them.
Either they're like the Nationals and they receive a lot of entreaties from them, or they don't feel in either party that there's enough risk and their treasuries are saying to them, you better have a plan to get us over the hurdle. Because if you look at the income from coal and gas, and you look at how that works to simplify a great deal, not for you guys, but just so we don't have people turning off, you've got to figure out a way of running a very complex big economy in the short term if you decide to cut it off. Like, sorry guys, coal's gone, oil's gone, gas is gone. Now, I'm fully in support of doing it, by the way, because government can do it. That transition plan, a lot of people have thought about it, a lot of people smarter than me. It's doable, but it does require a leader, our cabinet and our government to go, okay, World War III, take a big deep breath, declaring a state of emergency, this is how it's going to work. So it is a carbon tax. It is massive up-ramp on renewables and solar, and, and, and, and, and, and then you get there. And in a way, it's a shared responsibility because we need to demand it, like I need to demand it as well, of the people who are in power.
But it's a brittle thing to get there. It's not that easy to get there. Ducks in a row, you need to have ducks in a row, in a row, and someone can wreck that quite easily.
Who are the wreckers in Australian public life? Is it Gina? All of the big mining money people, whether it's Ryan Hart or even the woodsides and Santos's of this world will continue to obstruct, like forward movement. And WA is certainly, I think you've got a fair amount of state capture happening there now. Queensland to a lesser extent, but still a bit.
So yeah, it's an obstacle of sorts, but it's only an obstacle if the governments aren't prepared to do something. Like if government says, I want to do this, and we're going to do that, and then they'll go on, I'm sorry, you're not, then we're in a third world situation, which is, well, hang on a minute, are we the government or are we not? So do you think maybe the fact that all these things that need to happen in this era have been in a sense compromised by the fact that we have a political class that's not familiar with the 24 hour news cycle? Because everyone's being so reactionary, ever since you were in there, social media starts emerging, people were spilling leaders, we go through six and not even a decade or whatever. Do you think that was a poor time, it was just an unfortunate timing of, you think if we were in the 80s and this popped up, people would be able to get this across the line? Well it's a really good question and possibly, but I'm not sure it's the raison d'etre for it not happening.
I think it's about willpower. I mean, I know it sounds very basic, but you ought to believe that we need to get on top of a massive problem that's going to affect successive generations terribly and we need to do it now or you don't. If you do believe we need to do it, then do it. We've got the tools, we've got the technology, we're a wealthy enough country to make those changes. And you know, I mean at a very basic computational thing, which is pretty much what I say to treasury officials is, hey, all very well, but guess what?
The longer you leave it, the more expensive it becomes. I mean, a carbon tax or a carbon levy would shift that financial system around in a way that didn't cause it to come apart. Sustainability planning, but like deep, thorough, solid sustainability planning right across the planning processes in state and local governments would deal with all the houses and heating efficiencies and so on and so forth. Agriculture can be done as well, just in terms of how we treat sustainability with agriculture, replanting trees, carbon sinks, et cetera. At the moment, we're just, we're hiving off on it and there's a terrible problem for us, which is that companies talk about offsetting their emissions, but if you look at the offset schemes, they're a pack of, you know, they're just a bag of rubbish and it's not good enough. You've got to stop doing it.
Twiggy's moved his money across to the clean energy sector now, so he's ready for it to happen. I know a couple of months ago he was talking about anyone standing in the way of this sort of stuff, climate terrorists, et cetera, et cetera. So he's ready to go and cash in on the clean energy boom.
We just probably need a couple more of the big players. Do you think someone like Labour, who their end goal is to get there, do you think that what is needed is some sort of populism? Everyone romanticises strong Labour leaders. They think Hawke, they certainly don't think Albo. Almost obnoxious on the front foot Labour leader, the beer-swilling personality and character. Do you think that those, you know, those kind of archetypes are useful in politics?
Not really. No, not particularly. I mean, they can be, but not necessarily.
No, I think there's two bits to it. One bit is if you look at polling and look at what people's threshold top three, four most important issues are, climate and climate crisis needs to sit at number one or two consistently across the board. So that's us. And then if you look at, for example, the Labour Party, I mean, I think the policy's a pretty good one. Bowen's a good minister, but there's some loopholes that need to be addressed.
And there's a union movement which makes up quite a lot of the constituency of Labour that need to see that there's more jobs in doing this right than there is in digging coal out of the ground. So you're saying that coal miners need to be given drought aid. Newcastle's really interesting. I don't know whether you guys have covered it, but there's a really interesting movement in Newcastle with miners and climate campaigners, which says, look, you know, this can't go on that much longer.
What are your jobs literally going to look like? You might not like the idea of it, but there are good jobs for people. Let's see if we can start with the upskill and the transition. You're not telling people what to do. It's not command and control. You've got to take communities and countries with you.
Is Anthony the sort of leader who wants to go out and talk to people in that way and be relatable in the way that a hawk was? I'm not sure, but I think he's got the capacity. Hawk was at a different time.
I mean, we wouldn't copper leader slugging beers back like Bob did. We just wouldn't. Look at the poor prejudice that Barnaby Joyce is facing at this moment. Well it is interesting to think that politically you think that way, but you never thought about that way musically.
You know, talking in terms of getting messages across, would it be fair to say that your music wasn't, you weren't even giving messages? It wasn't even messaging? Absolutely. Everyone used to say, what's more important, the music or the message?
And we'd always go, huh? So we've got a right brain and a left brain. And I just happen to be one of those people, there's plenty of us, but I just happen to be one of those people who loves to have both sides going, but has to be a bit careful to give each side a bit of space.
So on the music side, it's not politics. We can sing and talk about it, we care about it, we believe in it, but it's actually not. It's something completely different. It's visceral, it's emotional, it's physical, you know? And you just have to find that kind of playing field and that's where you hang out and that's what you do. On the politics thinking lawyer activist sort of side of things, it's a completely different way of thinking and doing things.
My big challenge over the years is when they've collided or got, you know, it's been a hindrance to me. I haven't done either of them that well sometimes. So I'm hoping I'm sort of finally figuring out how to make it work.
This album here, The True North, does it capture an image? Does it capture an era? Does it capture anything?
Or is it this one of those, we're talking to artists who will outright say, no, these are just songs I had around and I put them together and they went well together. Or is this, do you think start to finish this as an album like that or? Oh yeah, no, no. I heard it as an album, I've recorded it as an album. I love albums.
I love hearing the story unfold. Like sometimes you've got stuff happening and you can create and sometimes it's barren. I had plenty happening, came off her over the oils, probably still had the adrenaline pumping and thought I'd better make use of it. And I just wanted to, as much as I could, you know, without sounding verbose or a bit sort of wanky about it, I just wanted to try and summons up an experience or an idea or a moment, you know.
Like there's a song on this record called Paddo and actually it features Joyce and his crew and it happens when I'm walking to the cricket, you know, and I thought, and thank God for Mimo, voice Mimo on iPhone, you know. Yeah. I thought, oh wow, okay, that's the song. Yeah. So I just ducked down to a side street and sort of, you know, lean on someone's fence and just really, yeah, yeah.
You know, try to catch it all in like that. I went into the studio and I said, everybody, Martin Nils is playing with me and he's like, oh, here we go. But got in there and said, this is what it's about, you know, and so I tried to do with all of them. So, I mean, look, the artist says what they've come up with is, you know, the greatest exposition they can find and everybody else says that, you know, your new stuff's not as good as your old stuff. That's the world that we live in. But all you can do as an artist is sort of honour the muse and hope that the muse is pouring bucket loads on you at the time and I feel like this was one of those times. It's out the 15th of March and the last question I have for you is you got a bunch of shows all around Australia, Perth, Melbourne, Sydney, Canberra, et cetera, all through March.
Do you have, whether it's Pilates or some sort of a routine to keep the hips limber and well-oiled and moving? Because that's what a lot of people know you for. How do you stay fit? How do you keep it going?
I do have a bit of a routine. I'm not super diligent. I mean, I hate gyms. Keep me away from them at all times.
The music for starters, but everything else really. Baby you're a firework. You don't like we found love in a hopeless place over and over again.
Yeah, look, I do. I do a lot of walking. I stretch a bit. I've been doing tai chi on and off for probably 40 years, which I'm a massive fan of. I don't sort of, you know, proselytise for it, but I'm always saying to people, particularly mates my age, you know, it's really a fantastic exercise and meditation form. Spending as much time outside as I can really.
And, you know, I've got to go to the physio and get things sorted out, but there's a great sign on the back of one of the physios that I used to go to. It's like a big poster and there's three people sitting in a chair and, you know, there's the beers and they've got the remote and there's the big screen. And then underneath it says, this is killing you.
Yes. Okay. I got it.
Well, the tour's already kicked off, as we said, Watangi Day. That was basically where you kicked off. 6th of February, you were over there with Far Now. So we've got Newcastle, 12th of March, Canberra, 14th of March, Factory Theatre. Oh, that's a good one. 15th of March. Melbourne's already sold out for one of the nights. Hindley Street, go back to the 1990s and visit Adelaide. And I say that not in a disparaging way. I just mean the nightlife is wild in Adelaide and it feels like you're in the 1990s. I wouldn't be surprised if they're still smoking in pubs. 23rd of March, Perth, Regal Theatre, 28th, Tanks Arts Centre, Cairns, Heavenly, 30th at the Tivoli in Brisbane, the Tiv. What a crescendo. There you go.
And Blues Fest. And Blues Fest, of course.
Let it rip. Thank you for joining us. This probably is going to be a two parter, I think. Thank you for entertaining all of the questions. I might have talked a little too long. No, I know it was us. It was us just, I saw the person who's tapping the watch next to us, kind of deflating a little bit more each time I asked another question. So thank you for giving us everything and telling us your life story. And we look forward to having you back. All the best with the tour and the album.
Thanks, Peter. No worries. Thanks, comrades. Thank you, comrades. |
cracked | if_pixar_was_honest_why_every_character_has_a_huge_dumper_disney_pixar_parody_sketch_comedy | Thank you all so much for being here today. Your input on the character design for the upcoming Pixar films is invaluable. The suggestions you make today could live on forever in timeless family classics like Monsters Inc. or Toy Story.
All right, first up we have Durango the Dragon. He is a fun-loving klutz who hasn't learned how to fly yet. What do we think?
I think he's really cute. My daughter would love him. Yeah, I like that he's not too...
FUGGOOOO! What? Well, he's not hot enough. I mean, like, anytime I look at cartoon characters, I want to be confused as to why I'm attracted to them. No, who are you? I'm Hankis the janitor. I'm a cool guy with some awesome ideas.
No, you can't just come in here. Yes, I can. I can just come in here.
Haven't you seen Good Will Hunting? Yeah, I don't think that that is a very good movie.
It is okay. I guess you can stay. Just try not to be disruptive. I think that the purple is fine, but it's kind of basic.
Like, I've seen a purple dragon before. Hey, now this guy knows what I'm talking about! Hell yeah! Come on, fist me, daddy. Nice. Okay, let's move on.
Next up we have a human character. This is Susie. She's a single mom who has two... That's not big enough.
What?
Oi, let him cook. You guys always give Pixar moms a number one supremo dumper. What happened to this one? She grow up on a freaking pancake farm? What does that even mean? Oh, well, she's got pancakes where a Bundt cake should be. Okay, that's enough.
Let's hear from Anne. Anne, what do you think?
I'm supposed to be honest, right? Of course, yeah. Okay, well then I would have to agree with the horny janitor guy. I mean, we're always giving mommies a big dumper. Seriously?
Yeah, the audiences are going to be disappointed. It's me, I'm audience.
Oh, yeah! This is why you're the best, Anne. All right, all right.
Let's hear from Paula. Paula, what do you think? Okay, hear me out. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she had some curves on her.
Uh oh, we got Paula on the booty train! Booty train!
No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, enough, enough. We have one more character to weigh in on, hopefully appropriately, right? Okay. God, this is not going to be good. Um, okay, no, just be normal.
Um, we have, uh, Horatio the hourglass and the family of pears that raised him as a baby. Oh, that hourglass! Oh my God, she's really saucing up my meatballs, if you know what I'm saying. I think this time I do. I want to get that pear pregnant. The hourglass and his pear family are on a mission to turn back time. Can I just say a woo-ga? I have to say, the pear in the back is making me really rethink my marriage.
No, that's Horatio's love interest. Harlot. We named her Harlot.
I'm going to take a big bite. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I get what they're talking about. I'm going to be selfish. Yummy.
We should all take turns goon-ing to her. James on the goon cave. Man, the online pervert community is going to love this. Maybe it'll be good for us. Yeah, green light it. Bump the marketing budget by 200%. And get Horatio out on Disney Plus by spring. Yes. Hey, that's my future wife you guys are talking about. Yeah, but we're going to goon on her before you get married. That's what's happening. Everyone does that. |
dropout | Four_Ways_to_Actually_Declutter_Your_Home | Hi there, you know, if you're like most people, you struggle in a constant fight against messes. You've tried the KonMari method, but even that didn't magically change your life. Don't give up, you too can have a space as clean and beautiful as this.
Here's what it used to look like. But now, it's spotless. How? We moved everything five feet to the right. I bet you couldn't even tell.
Here are four easy tips to help you actually declutter your home. Come on. Ugh, look at all these clothes. Some don't fit, some are falling apart. You know, a lot of people would say you should just donate them. Why do that when you can just do what I do? Take these clothes and leave them in the back of your car forever.
In fact, let's put them there right now. Oh Christ, oh, or instead of right now, we can do it later because I parked pretty far away and I don't really feel like doing this right now. So what we're gonna do is we're just gonna put this right here, yeah, we're gonna put that right there. And that's, that's fine, that's good, you know, yeah. You should have a designated place for everything.
And if something doesn't have a place, maybe that's a sign that you should get rid of it. Or maybe you could just put it in the closet. I'm talking about the closet. A realm without rules, without order, chaos incarnate. The very thought of opening that door should fill you with a vague sense of dread. There is no logic to what fills the closet.
Which means logically, anything can go in there. Like these free wings. I mean, you weren't gonna work out anyway. Ah, it's pretty, it's pretty full.
So we will just put one of these right there. Whoops, whoops, whoops, whoops. We'll just, whoops, use that right, nope. We're just gonna, there, no, whoops. Okay, okay, okay, and we'll put one there. Put the other one.
Papers, papers, papers. It's easy to let paperwork stack up, but don't let it. Most of this can get thrown out. Just inspect them piece by piece.
This, for example, is, is this a bill? Is I supposed to pay this? When is this from? It says outstanding balance, $50, but then it also says amount owed is $0. It says this is not a bill. Why would you send that to me?
Well, you know, we'll call that an I don't know, okay? We'll just put that there, and we'll go back to that in a minute. Now, this next one is, I thought I, so after reviewing everything, it looks like all these papers were in the I don't know pile. I'm too afraid to throw them out, and I'm too stupid to know how to deal with them.
Luckily, we have a perfect place for this. You know, sometimes you clean something, then a week later, it's dirty again. A constant fight against this dirt invasion can be tiresome. Luckily, you can permanently end it with one step. Stop caring. Let's see what it looks like now. Yes, it's the same as before, but since it doesn't bother me, I feel much better about it. And the best part of this tip is that you can apply it to any part of your home. Happy cleaning, everyone.
Sign up for your free trial today, and learn why critics are saying, who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout? Get out, get out, I'm calling the cops. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_199_Adam_Bandt_MP | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tutor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. It is the last week of February and time is running out for Scott Morrison to call the 2022 federal election. The latest he can realistically push back to is May 21st and he's going to need to give the electoral commission eight weeks warning beforehand. Welcome to The Tutor Advocate's new podcast, Decode, a series that aims to break down and analyze federal politics for those who have either tuned out or never tuned in.
I'm Clancy Overall, editor of The Tutor Advocate. And I'm Errol Parker, the editor at large.
Now today marks the third interview profile of the Decode series and having already interviewed Labor's Christina Keneally and the National Party's David Littleproud, we're gonna mix it up a little and interview one of the rarest brands of politicians in Australian politics, a straight white male from a major city. Thank you for joining us today, Adam Band, leader of the Australian Greens. Thanks for having me. Now, first up, Mr. Band, given the fact on paper and the profile I've just given you, on paper you basically have lived the same life as a young Tony Abbott. Can you please explain to us how you found yourself leading the Greens?
Yeah, so I didn't think that I'd end up in politics. I sort of grew up in South Australia and then in Western Australia before moving over to Melbourne and was quite sort of happy for a while working, working as a lawyer, again, you know, breaking the mold, representing low paid workers and clothing workers taking on corporations like Nike, that was my job. And I was happy doing that, that was my commitment to social justice. And then I heard about this thing called climate change and sort of over the years, and I kind of had this view at the time that, well, you know, if it's that bigger problem, then surely our governments are doing something about it. And the more that I learned about it, the more that I realized just sort of how serious it was. And in 2007, I think around about then, I decided to leave my job as a lawyer and just start running in elections for the Greens and took a couple of goes, but eventually got elected in 2010. For me, it was just like go all in to try and do something about tackling the climate crisis as well as pursuing all of those social justice concerns that were important to me. And the rest, I guess, is history.
Well, it is interesting though, like you hold the seat of Melbourne with a tighter grip than Bob Catter does in Kennedy. Where do you think the kind of shift in the mentality of the people in Melbourne to essentially depose a longstanding labor incumbent and to go with the Greens? Where do you think that happened? Yeah, look, I think a couple of things.
One is that there has been this sort of view amongst the, I guess, the old parties for a while that the same politics become a bit of a race to the bottom. And the idea was every election campaign was who can beat up on refugees the most. And this is in pre-marriage equality days. It was like they both voted against marriage equality. And it was really, I think politics in many ways was quite a grim place for many people and it was very much a race to the bottom.
And I think for places like Melbourne and also others around the country, but Melbourne especially, there was this sense of, no, well, we want something more and we want politics to be about what's good in us and sort of fighting for that. I think the second thing is that Melbourne is a really diverse electorate and we've got, for a while there, we had more public housing than any other electorate in the country. You know, the boundaries change, but we've still got sort of more public housing than anywhere in Victoria, as well as having some real estate that's pretty expensive and some people who are on high incomes.
But I think there's a real sense in Melbourne that we're all in this together and we've got to make sure that everyone is looked after. And I think those values, I think, and the sense that politics was sort of pushing in the other direction and going ever more rightwards meant that when we came along and said, no, we're actually, we're not going to take people for granted. We want to lift everyone up. We need to make sure that we make life better for people in public housing, as well as tackling the climate crisis. And we're not going to go backwards, you know, where we stand on refugees and on marriage equality. I think it resonated.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but the Greens started as kind of a conglomerate of the anti-nuclear movement from WA and the anti-tree loppers from Tasmania. Would you say you and your team are responsible for Melbourne now becoming the heartland for the Greens? I mean, you'd walk around Queensland, when people talk about the Greenies, they think that Bob Brown came from Melbourne on that convoy, you know what I mean? Melbourne is viewed as the Green heartland, even though it's a movement that's spread from environmental kind of movements. It was brought together from all over Australia. Yeah, look, I don't know if I'd say that, certainly where the vote is highest, but I grew up in WA.
The first protest that I went on was one against the nuclear power warships. They pulled into the port in Freo from the US. And I remember, I think I was at high school going on a demonstration down there behind a big banner. Everyone in WA, when the warships pull in, everyone sort of polls, comes along and goes for a walk on the ship. And it's like, it's a big sort of tourist thing. And we had a little banner saying, this is a death ship, not a tourist attraction.
And I remember as we were walking down there, you know, a family, as we were walking past, sort of saying to their kids, hey, kids, kids, quick, come and have a look at the stupid people. Like, as we were all marching past and it was sort of from then. So they were from the North side of the Swan weather, more your peppy Grove Nedlands types, you know? Yeah, yeah, look, perhaps.
I mean, I guess from that, that anti-nuclear and that forest campaigners that had many, in many respects, it was strong in WA as well as in Tasmania. Like it wasn't just, I think a Tassie thing for me was a big part of my upbringing. And there was a lot of that in the area when I was growing up, when I was at high school. And so I think, yeah, it may be that in areas of Melbourne is where the vote is the highest, but bits of Brisbane and in particular now where we've got members of parliament in the lower house, you know, that bastion of democracy, the Queensland parliament, we've managed to get two greens and a local Councillor in there. There are other pockets around the country now where as well as Tasmania, obviously, and indeed in New South Wales, our votes going up. So I probably wouldn't say the heartland's in any one place now. Yeah, cause I always kind of found that a bit strange how the Tasmanian greens like to see themselves as being, you know, the most authentic greens when the only place in Australia that's elected, you know, a dinky dye dyed in the wool communist is, you know, the good people of Ingham in central Queensland.
Yeah, and I think there's a bit of a misreading of Queensland going on a lot in politics. I think there's this view that people in Queensland are inherently conservative and it feeds in a bit to what I was saying before about the race to the bottom in politics that's happened over many years. There's this view that amongst many commentators, but also participants that we have to go more and more rightwards in order to attract votes, including in places like Queensland. And our view is the opposite. Our view is that especially in Queensland, there's a strong understanding of what is wrong in politics and a strong sense that things are broken and need to be fixed and it's only working in the interests of a few people. And so we've run really strongly, including in Queensland, on the basis that we need to make the billionaires pay their fair share of tax so that everyone can lead a better life. And that message is resonating and it's resonating amongst people that might be lumped in by others in the anti-politics brigade. That is that message that, hey, it's time for politics to take on powerful interests instead of just showing fealty to them is something that we find resonates. And yeah, I think there's a big, big misreading of Queensland going on by many commentators.
Now, what you're saying to us, really, I mean, you use a different kind of parlance vocabulary, but it's very similar to what we hear from Bob Katter. I'm not sure if you've heard that before.
I guess for all the reasons you've just explained, there's probably a good reason why he's been elected with the same kind of margins as you have been down there in Melbourne. But what I want to get to is the Greens have a reputation of being abolitionist, you know, of not wanting to compromise and not wanting to debate and massage things out.
Do you have a working relationship with someone like Bob Katter? Can you see yourself working with people from different parts of the country and different value systems?
You know, Bob Katter and I were literally on the same bus yesterday, driving around parliament. It was an electric bus. And Bob is starting to become a convert to saying, maybe we need to start manufacturing electric vehicles like electric buses in Australia and revitalise the manufacturing industry because that's where the market is.
Now, that's stuff that we've been saying before. And so with Bob Katter, there's issues that I'm just vehemently opposed to him on is the way he talks about refugees, the way he talked about marriage equality. Like we've had some really strong stand up arguments about that. And I think a lot of those things are really offensive, but on some of those economic questions where like now they're saying, well, actually, hang on, there's a bit of an opportunity here, including in places like Queensland and also fighting against this neoliberalism, free market economics. The idea of the dog eat dog economics is sort of where you throw everyone to the wolves and say the market will decide and government's got no role. I mean, I reject that. And he probably from a different part of the political spectrum in some ways rejects that as well. But I think there is, yeah, I can work with other people who want to say, the market isn't the be all and end all.
Government's about making sure that everyone can live a good life. And if we have to rein in some of the excesses of the billionaires and big corporations, well, that's what government's for.
Can you see the Venn diagram between your party, your voters and other people in the country? Can you actually see that? Because the Greens don't have your reputation for seeing themselves in other people. Yeah, look, I can. And I know that some will say that's our reputation, but I think our record speaks differently.
Like in 2010, when I first got elected, we were in a power share in parliament and it was us, Labor and Andrew Wilkie as a city independent, but also two country independents, Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor. And we spent a lot of time sitting and working out how to get them on the same page. And no one got everything they wanted in that parliament, but we got some really good stuff through and we got some really good stuff through on climate. I got a bill through, I don't know if it's the only private member's bill to have ever passed both houses of parliament unanimously, but I got a bill through to protect firefighters who were getting cancer, something I'd seen during my working time. I've been able to take that and sort of put it into practice and get a unanimous bill passed through parliament. And we did it, right? And I think we've got a pretty clear-eyed understanding about what is needed to get legislation through parliament and that involves working with others. I guess what my view would be, you don't compromise on your values, but you do have to understand that you've got to work with others to get things done because we're increasingly in parliaments where no one party has a majority.
So would it be fair to say that the political reputation of the Greens and their messaging is distorted quite a fair bit in the mainstream media? Well, I think our opponents will say a lot of things about us and they presumably done their focus groups or done their polling and they've worked out what lines they think will work against us because they see us increasingly as a threat, I guess, to them electorally.
But I guess all I can do is keep saying, hey, look, especially at the moment where I think we desperately need to turf out this government, it's a terrible, terrible government, but what we also need to do is push the next government to do better. And part of that is pushing, but part of it is also saying we're here to improve, not to block. And all I can do is say, have a look at our track record. We've actually achieved a lot and things that we've been pushing for, for a long time are now being taken up by others, like a federal ICAC, for example. There was times where it was only us pushing that and now it's almost becoming a thing that everyone is accepting that we need. And so I think our track record does speak that we do well in sticking to our values and not compromising on those, but also understanding, you know, you've got to play well with others if you want to get stuff done.
Can you tell me, there's a big wave coming this election from our end anyway, this is what we believe. I think a couple of these independents are going to get up, at least one will, you know, in the inner cities, in the moderate liberal electorates, with voters that look a lot like yours. Can you tell me why these Allegra spenders and Zoe Daniels and, you know, whoever else has just been announced this week, they're popping up one by one.
Why didn't they nail their flag to the Greens? I mean, it makes sense that they wouldn't nail their flag to Labour because their voters are not Labour voters, but they're talking about a lot of the same things you are talking about.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, there were two things.
One is, I think there's going to be some Greens elected to the lower house as well in this election. I think we're in with a really strong position of ending up in balance of power in both houses of parliament. And we're campaigning really strongly in places like Griffith and Brisbane and Ryan, but also in Richmond in New South Wales on the North Coast, where we hold the state that's sitting in there. And we've got a terrific candidate there and some others in Melbourne as well, including McNamara. We're really pushing hard in lower house seats as well as in the Senate. And so I think this is a real opportunity for us for some breakthroughs.
Secondly, I work well with the climate independents who are also called climate independents who are in parliament at the moment. But I think one of the things that differentiates us, I think, is on these questions of economics and social justice, there are some, perhaps not social justice, but social policy and economic policy. There's probably some difference, like we won't vote for tax cuts for big corporations, for example, whereas some of those independents might, in part reflecting the electorate that they come from. But in many respects, some of them have got climate policies that are better than the Labour Party's climate policies, which shows, I think, an appetite amongst some conservative voters to really take up the mantle on climate. So we work really well together as a crossbench in parliament, across different parts of the political spectrum, different parts of the country. And in many of the places where the independents are running, a lot of the independents have good climate policies, but I guess economically, conservative economic policies as well. And so, whereas we in the Greens believe very strongly we're tackling both the climate crisis and the inequality crisis. So we're gonna find differences of opinion around things like, we wanna put a new tax on billionaires, I presume they don't. We oppose corporate tax cuts and tax cuts for the very wealthy, they supported them. So there's gonna be a number of areas where I think we will disagree, but on key issues like climate, I think it doesn't stop us working together. And I think to the extent that we're seeing climate being put on the agenda at this election in new and interesting ways, I think overall that's a net positive.
It's kind of a given though that these smaller liberals, their voters and the independent candidates who like the idea of public housing, they just don't like it next door to their gorgeous terrace house. How has public housing enriched your electorate Mr. Bant? Because as you were saying before, you have one of the highest rates of public housing in Australia within your division. Yeah, look, I spend a fair bit of time in and with people who live in public housing. And one of the really good things about our area is that although there's still work to be done, there's not actually too many invisible walls between the people who live in public housing and people who live over the road in private housing.
And people will really come together. For example, when there was a proposal from the state liberal government a while back to sell off some of the land at the Fitzroy public housing, because of course, it's worth a mint now. So they just saw that land and thought we'll sell it off. And it was like the whole community came together to stop it. And I find, and in public housing, we've got a big group of people who've come from Horn of African countries, big Muslim population in public housing as well.
And it's doing door knocking around a time of when the Iftar didn't start at the end of Ramadan is actually, it's pretty good. You get fed very well and you get invited into houses for these amazing end of evening feasts. I've started on some days fasting during the day so that I can enjoy it even more because it's a good spread. But it's actually, I find it one of the, yes, there's challenges, but I find it one of the warmest places, I think to go and spend time, not only campaigning, but during the term as well.
And our office is sort of just a short walk from quite a few of the big public housing towers as well. So there's someone in the office every day, several people in the office every day, certainly pre-COVID times, whatever it's done now on Zoom.
But we've really, I think it's been an eye-opener for everyone to say, oh, when you go to Greens representing you, we're gonna fight for things like lifting Newstart, for example, or housing just as strongly as we're gonna fight for climate and people have responded to it really well. So it's, yeah, it's a good place to be. Now, it sounds like you've got a good gauge on your own electorate and you know your own community that you're working with. And that sounds like you and your team. I mean, we can say that the previous election results speak for themselves, and it sounds like they will again in 2022.
But how do you go about managing the Greens as a brand? You've got a lower house seat, that's just you. You're the leader of the party. You're hoping to get a few more seats this electorate, but the rest of Australia is quite different to your electorate. And the Greens are a nationwide party. So how do you go about tackling any blind spots that might be carried throughout the Greens as a whole around Australia? You've got a religiously diverse, kind of economically diverse electorate. That's not something you would associate with the Greens from our end anyway. You kind of look at the Greens candidates and staffers as private school kids straight to university, straight to the Greens.
And those aren't the kind of political staffers or politicians that we imagine would be able to work with a vast cross-section of society. So how do you stamp this out? Because we're talking about a party that is so idealistic. How can you cast a wider net? And how can you kind of ensure that the people working with you do the same and aren't dismissing any Australians out there?
Yeah, I think that's probably in some respects a bit of an unfair characterisation of the history of the Greens, people in the Greens and the history of the Greens. The name the Greens came from the green bans, which were put on by unions in New South Wales in particular, but also in Victoria in the 70s and 80s, where there was natural and built heritage that was about to be demolished by developers and governments. And they came and said, no, we're gonna stop this from being developed. And the person who ultimately went back and founded the Greens in Germany, Petra Kelly, had seen this happen. And from the phrase the green bans came the name, the Greens, and then it took off across the world and that Tasmanian party that you were referring to morphed and changed their name into the Greens.
In my mind, that history of community campaigning around social justice issues and workplace issues together with the environment have always been there from the beginning. And so we've always had a really strong strand of both. And at some times, one might get prioritised more in public debate than the other, but we've always had them there. And I think, again, it comes back to the question around us, how do we stand compared with others who are running? We've got four pillars of our party and not only grassroots democracy, peace and non-violence, but not only looking after the environment, but social justice is there as well as one of the four. So I think it's always been ingrained in us from the beginning. So I don't find those kind of conflicts that you're talking about really actually happening because people understand that we're a party that says, look, we've got to tackle all of these crises together because you can't just prioritise one over the other.
They're all interlinked. So do you have to do a lot of work on the ground to learn about all of these things that you're campaigning on? Because you're campaigning on quite a lot of things. You've got quite a wide net there.
The Liberals don't have to worry about that. They've got lower taxes and common sense, as they would call it. It's pretty straight down the line.
They've got a few things that appeal to a large number of voters and they campaign on that. But I mean, if we're talking social justice, environmentalism, gay rights, refugees, the climate tax policy, a whole range of things that you're saying are just as important as one another, how do you actually polish up on the language that needs to be used in these circumstances on behalf of all of these people that you're campaigning on behalf of? Because when you're rallying on behalf of people, you need to get it right. So how do you make sure you get that right and you're not talking on behalf of people and talking out of school? Yeah, it's a good question. And one that is part of my job is to grapple with and I'm strongly of the view that our challenge in the Greens is not our platform and what we stand for, it's getting the message out. And that is a challenge that we face. And in terms of how we do it and what we say, in terms of how we do it, we're a people powered party. And one of the things that we've learned from Melbourne and that we've seen, it's been the key to our success in growing in places like Brisbane and New South Wales as well, is that we get out, turn our people into advocates and we run really grassroots campaigns and we do a knock and we speak to people on the phones. And that is actually a really good way of changing people's votes.
In terms of what it is that we say, I guess in a nutshell, we'd say, we're facing an inequality crisis and a climate crisis in this country and we need to tackle both. And simply our message this election is that we need to make the billionaires and big corporations pay their fair share of tax so we can get dental into Medicare, build affordable housing and have free childcare while taking real climate action. That's gonna be something that you'll probably, or get sick of hearing from us over and over again during the course of the election, but you're right, it is important to distill it down cause we've got a very narrow window to get through and it's even more challenging for a smaller party like us that doesn't take those big corporate donations so we don't get the same, we're not Clive Palmer buying ads on every medium that you can. So distilling it down to tax the billionaires and the big corporations to get dental into Medicare, make life better for everyone and build affordable housing is something you'll hear us saying a lot. Moving forward into the next parliament, if you still got as much power or even more power than you have now, what's the number one thing you'd like to achieve in the next parliamentary term? Getting action on coal and gas, tackling the climate crisis is critical. It's part of the reason, as I said before, why I'm in this job and I think it's getting more and more urgent and if we can get this country to stop opening up new coal and gas mines, I would count that as a big achievement. We got real action back in 2010 on the climate and if we're in balance of power in both houses again, which I expect we will be after this election, we'll be pushing really, really hard for real climate action and my number two would be getting dental into Medicare and building more affordable housing that would be out on our social list as well.
Well, that sounds like a pretty good pitch you've got there. Dental is quite important. A lot of people know how expensive it is and I suppose you're proposing that people like Clive Palmer pay for our dental and we can lump it all into Medicare. Yes, yes. It's like I want Clive Palmer to send fewer text messages and pay more tax. We're going very clearly to say it's time that the billionaires paid more tax because if we do that, we can fund things like getting dental into Medicare or building affordable housing and now's the time to do it and we're seeing these billionaires basically try and buy elections and it worked last time. I know there's lots of discussion about what happened at the last election and why did the conservatives stay in power and a big part of the answer is just Clive Palmer and a checkbook and there's something wrong in this country when billionaires can buy elections so yeah, we're gonna take them on head on and yes, they can help fund things like dental into Medicare.
And just lastly, Mr. Banton, one question I do wanna ask you, what is a conspiracy that you believe to be true in politics? There's a lot out there that people think are conspiracies, people dismiss that aren't real. I mean, you've basically just told us that billionaires are buying our elections. That sounds like a conspiracy that the average punter would throw around or you've just confirmed it here. Is there anything else and is something else more sinister at play down there in Parliament House that you can confirm for us? I would put that up there.
I think that there's, one of the things that's been the eye-opener for me is that the big corporations and the billionaires do literally patrol the corridors of parliament. Like you see them walking around coming in and out of Minister's offices and telling them what to do and it might sound simplistic that big money and big corporations get to tell politicians what to do and in some respects, of course, it's more complicated than that but in other respects, no. You see them walking in and out of the offices, patrolling the corridors. The ministers leave here and they go and end up on jobs in boards in these very same corporations as a bit of a revolving door. So I would say that something that on the outside might sound a bit like being a bit too conspiratorial is actually, sadly, far too much the reality up here.
Well, you heard it here first. That was Adam Bandt, leader of the Australian Greens. He's hoping to pick up a few more seats this election, maybe hold the balance of power and he has, can we clarify, you have ruled out a Labor-Greens coalition. Is that correct?
Well, I don't think that, I want to see the Liberals out, just want to see the Liberals out totally and I think that Labor's made very clear the approach that it will take, that it doesn't want to talk to anyone else and so on. I don't think we would find ourselves in a liberal national style coalition with the Labor Party where we're all voting the same way. There's things that are important for us, like not opening up new coal and gas, treatment for refugees, et cetera, that we would always want to maintain our independence on. What I want is a working relationship with a new Labor government, with the independence on the crossbench, should they be there, so that we can keep the Liberals out and take real action. And I think just because you don't sign up to a formal coalition, like we saw in 2010, a really good working relationship and it's that that I want to bring to the next one. We will be there to, I guess you get two for the price of one, voting for Greens this time, you kick the Liberals out because we won't support them, but we would work with and push the next government to do the things that people expect, like taking action on the climate crisis.
And that's a good note to end it all on. Thank you for joining us, Adam Bandt. Thanks a lot.
And if you liked this interview and you're interested to learn more about some of the things we spoke about, learn a little bit more about federal politics, the way things work in Canberra and prepare yourself for some of the decisions you've got to make this year in the lead up to the 2022 federal election. You can find a lot more stuff like this on the new Battuta podcast channel, Decode. Decode is a new series brought to you by the Battuta Advocate, where we debunk, we break down, analyze, and of course decode federal politics using language that the everyday Australians can understand and provide them with a more accessible look at federal politics. We don't need to be kept in the dark, even though the media and the politicians would like us to stay out of this conversation, it actually comes down to us at this election. So tune in and you can learn about things like polling, preferences, you can figure out the role the unions play in our politics, you can figure out the role the church plays in our politics. We'll be analyzing each major party and of course we'll be interviewing candidates and sitting politicians and asking them to answer for themselves. Thank you for listening. |
cracked | scott_bug_q_a_how_to_tell_time_in_three_minutes_or_less | Um, Professor, what's that thing? Excellent question. You get a A. This little fella is called an abacus, right? It's named after a very heavy bird, but it literally means clock. We use it to tell time.
Now, I can show you real quick how to do it, it's very simple. All we need to do is first understand very simple mathies, right? So we all know one plus one equals two, right? And then two plus two equals three, right? Three plus three equals four. And so on like that infinity. So right, what we do, just tell the time, right? Okay, I can't see the sun. Just one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty, twenty, one, twenty, about seventy-four.
Hello, YouTube.com. Thanks for watching that video. It was dumb, right? But like it anyway with a button and subscribe to our channel. And be sure to leave a comment. What do you want to hear Scott talk about next? It could be from anything, from anything to anything else. |
TheOnion | Semi_Literate_Former_Gold_Prospector_Given_Own_Cable_News_Show | Jode Kressbeckler, from claim jumpers to politicians to coyotes, the straight shooter that shook up the 2008 presidential race is taking them all on and licking them good. Hey Trespassers, this here is Jode Kressbeckler and this is the Kressbeckler stance.
The sun's beating down, won't be for long, so let's hit the pile. Top of the pile. Mohammedans are fixing to open the tallest building what could scrape the sky. Now I hung a man or two in my life but that don't make me a judge so that I don't pass no judgement on these ARABs but you gotta be full as a tick on stump liquor to build on top of sin. So that Turkish building ain't long for this world and I'm putting that on my predication list. Okay, back on the pile.
The government's calling back more chickens if they say it's contaminated with the chicken curse. Well I say no good chicken suits me fine. If you're too lazy to strangle your own bird maybe a week on the privilege straighten you out.
Alright, time to sand the gas. That black president's talking about spending a bunch of our money on something's calling wind farms. That hard case is trying his best to tell you and me that they're going to catch the wind so they can use it later.
Where's that Chinese woman? Are you showing the pictures of the windmills? Okay, good girl. She's pretty for Chinese.
Now let's see what our stuff code has to think about this pie sky nonsense about windmills. What do you mean connected with nothing?
John Alberts you can sit for a while but keep your boots on. Glad to be here Joe. You can talk like a thoroughbred so talk. Now give it to me sound on the goose.
Why is Washington so dead set on putting up those propellers? Well here's the straight facts about wind energy. It would require 400,000 turbines to meet the United States electricity needs. There's enough oil in the continental shelf of the West Coast to reduce our dependency on foreign oil but the Democrats won't let us go for it. Well then we're going to have to take that oil, turn them windmills over, plant them in the ground and change them to oil decks.
Same as we did in Panama. Ain't that the Simon Pure? Sure but we definitely need to open up. And if those foreigners or anybody else don't cotton to it, I got black baby here. Show them the second amendment.
Right Joe, it's outrageous. Alright next talk. My telegraphed man in the hill just sent me a message on the clicker. Now I get a hundred dozen of these here messages all day and I can't read them. So Chinese picks them out, the good ones and yeah, come on Billy. To Joe, stop. And what about these taxes, stop.
You know, the government always sneaks in when I'm half seas over and purloins the very thread from my hanky. That's why I'll die before I vote and I don't respect no man what ain't lost a body part at war. That's right Joe, that's why we gotta cut taxes instead of adding more so the people can have greater control over how their money is spent. Damn right. We gotta take sanctuary in the mountains, gotta steal the little children from the town and make our own army in the hills there. Well I would stop short of kidnapping but I do think that people need to be made aware...
You're a pink pansy. You talk about slitting that hog's throat ear to ear, you wanna caress it and call it sweet Sally. That's not a fair assessment Joe, you're not being fair. Get out of my cabin Albert, get before black baby starts a barking. Thanks for having me Joe. He's pink at the core, a little homo sucking at his mama's dick.
Now you stick with us now cause we gotta find jam from the fair. And we're gonna stick it to a horse so we don't lose our mind. |
SaturdayNightLive | first_presidential_debate_al_gore_and_george_w_bush_snl | The following is an Nbc Election special live from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts. The first Presidential Debate. Here's Moderator Jim Lehrer. Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this the first of three Presidential debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore. Now let's meet the candidates.
Before we begin, I have been asked by the Bush Campaign to announce that for the next three hours only viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri, and Pennsylvania have the option of free pay-per-view courtesy of the Republican National Committee on Channel 62, The Perfect Storm with George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg. the film Mike Clark of Usa Today called The Perfect Movie on Channel 63, the grandeur, beauty and savagery of Ancient Rome came to life and Gladiator with Russell Crowe. Gladiator. A hero will rise, care for something just a bit naughty On Channel 64, 10 Penthouse Pets joined forces with 10 Playboy playmates to find the perfect hustler centerfold in Miss Killer Body 2000 contains nudity.
With that out of the way, let's begin the debate: Mr. Vice President During this campaign. you have frequently called the Bush Tax Plan a risky scheme. Why? Well, Jim. Governor Bush and I have two very different plans to offer tax relief to American families and his plan: the wealthiest 1% of American would receive nearly 50% of the benefits. My plan Jim is different. Rather than squander the surplus on a risky tax cut for the wealthy, I would put it in what I call a lot Box Governor Bush. your response.
I don't know what that was all about, but I will tell you this: Don't mess with Texas. I didn't mess with Texas Governor Bush. I listened very carefully to the Vice President's remarks, and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now Governor Bush Jim: Could I just said that in my plan?
The lockbox would be used only for Social Security and Medicare. It would have two different locks. Governor Bush Now Now one of the keys to the lockbox would be kept by the President. The other key would be sealed in a small magnetic container and placed under the bumper of the Senate Majority Leaders car.
Governor Bush The next question is for you. Two weeks ago at a meeting of the Economic Club of Detroit, you said the following: Quote?: More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence that underscores our values. Every two child did I will end Quote: What did you mean by that Pass: Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor Pass: Really? no idea what that could mean. Could it be education? Jim I believe that what my opponent intended to say was that all too often the explicit sex and wholesale violence and films undermines our values. Bingo. That was it. I happen to agree with Governor Bush on that and I commend him for it.
But let me add something. Let me add something in my plan.
The lockbox would also be camouflaged. Now to all outward appearances. it. would be a leather-bound edition of the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas. But it wouldn't be. It would be the lockbox.
Governor Bush, This question is for you and it concerns foreign policy. Last week in Serbian elections we saw the apparent defeat of President Slobodan Milosevic by challenger Vojslav Kostunice. Yet, Milosevic refused to step aside as President. Would you apply pressure on Milosevic and openly aid Kostunice and his Novia Serbskaya party? Or by working with neighbors such as Karadon Bragaljevic of Croatia, Istvan Poissoni of Hungary, or Antipas Lageros of Greece. First of all, I think that any instability in that first country you mentioned is troubling and clearly the the second guy you spoke of beat the first guy. Personally, I favor seeking the diplomatic help of a person I call guy number three, but I'm not gonna pronounce any of their names tonight because I don't believe that's in our national interest. Vice President Gore Jim, let me hear tonight issue a warning to the enemies or potential enemies of the United States.
You may think you know the location of the lockbox and maybe you do. Or maybe that's a decoy or a dummy lockbox.
Only the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs myself and tipper will know for sure. Which brings us to our final question: Governor Bush, both you and the Vice President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior, Jim? I'd like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell you about a friend of mine.
Her name is Eda Munson. She's 94. She's a widow living on Social Security and Sparta, Tennessee.
Eda was born with only one kidney. she also suffers from polio, spinal meningitis, lung, liver and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of cystic acne. Now, several recent strokes along with an unfortunate shark attack have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee just last week. she awoke from a coma to find that due to a hospital mix-up her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphilis, and then reattached Mr. Vice President. we are short of time. As you can imagine, Jim Eda's prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly 113 million dollars a day, and she tells me that some week she has to choose between eating or treating her Lyme Disease. Now, under my plan, Eda's prescription drugs would be covered.
Under my opponent's plan, her house would be burned to the ground and that is wrong. that is just wrong. Governor Bush response. I believe that some of his figures may be inaccurate. Jim, What you just heard from my opponent is an attack on my integrity and my character, but I will not reply in kind. Instead, I will take those remarks and put them away away in a tiny lock box where all bad thoughts go.
Well, that brings us to the close of tonight's debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement. Jim: could I make two closing statements? I'm afraid not. In fact. we are almost out of time so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up in a single word: the best argument for his candidacy: Governor Bush Strategia Vice President Gore Lockbox. This concludes the first debate. Thank you and live from New York. |
dropout | how_uber_rides_are_like_first_dates | Siobhan, what's wrong? Oh, no, it's nothing. It's just... Ugh. God, what if we have nothing to talk about? Are you kidding? You'll have tons to talk about. I'm just so bad in these kinds of situations.
You're going to be fine. Everyone loves you, I'm sure... Lance. I'm sure Lance will too.
Look, I know this is... Stupid.
I just really want him to like me. Of course you do. You're a woman. We want all our Uber drivers to like us.
Oh, God, maybe I should just cancel. Don't be ridiculous. Plus, it's too late to cancel. Cancelling would be weird.
What do we talk about? Oh, who talks first?
Oh, God, what if he's wearing terrible cologne? Let him talk first, but you can say hello as soon as you get to the car. And of course he's going to smell like terrible cologne.
You just open a window. Are you sure you don't want to come with me? You can be my wing woman. You know I can't. I drove here. Oh, God, I wouldn't get murdered. The chances of that... You just can't think like that.
Yeah, no, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. Now, what's your exit strategy if things go south? Oh, I mean, I guess the classic tuck and roll. Good.
I don't know, am I ready to have a driver? Am I really at that point in my life? Look, you don't have to go there, okay? You can just have someone drive you from time to time without deciding whether you ultimately want to hire a professional driver. It's just been a while, you know? I mean, I drove my own car for such a long time, I just got used to it. Before you drove it off that cliff? Exactly. And it's just been hard to like get myself out there again, you know? Let myself be driven by other people.
Look, you know what they say. You'll always be better at driving yourself. You know how fast you like to go, the ins and outs of your dashboard, where you keep your gum. I do love my gum. I know you do.
But there's something nice about letting someone drive you, even if it takes them a little bit longer to get there. Yeah, or even if you have to lie and tell them that you got there, even though like you kind of didn't. You know, because maybe you had to turn around in an alleyway or something, it seemed like a fuss. Exactly. Now get out there and get in that Uber. Katie, you will never believe it. He has a charger back here. Ooh.
How big is it? It's so big. Like, actually too big.
I think it's for a Samsung or something. Such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
dropout | Stop_Trying_to_Punch_My_Balls | Hello, and welcome to the College Humor Podcast, a little dance from all of us for you. This is so silent. This is for the dropout viewers that are wanting to watch us, not listen to us.
No, you have to watch us to see what just happened. It was crazy. It's actually going to up and down. And if you're watching us on YouTube right now, just know that you could watch this a whole lot earlier on dropout, and it's better earlier. You want to see what Sam's doing. You want it. You're going to be bummed if you don't see that first. You're going to want to check it out.
Who have we got here today? Hi, I'm Rekha. Hey, I'm Sam. Hey, I'm Lily. Hey, I'm Grant.
Woo!
And we've got some exciting stuff coming out soon. We've got gods of food.
How are you feeling, Rekha? Feels great.
It just premiered.
On dropout. So if you have dropout, you will have seen it already, but this will be coming out in a few weeks. So you'll also have seen it if you don't have dropout. This is some lost time travel equations. And I would also say a big difference between drop out and YouTube is the curses.
You don't hear us say any dirty words on YouTube. You're missing out. You're missing out big time, especially if you want to watch episode one of God's Affiliate.
Because who are their curses? Are their little cussies in there? What's the worst cuss word?
OK. On the show or? In the world. I feel like you can't say them. Yes, you can.
We'll define worst. I mean, I'd say fuck, right? That's the big one? I would say cunt. Cunt's pretty bad. Oh, I wouldn't ever say that. If you're watching this on YouTube right now, you're probably not because the algorithm will have dinged us already. Oh, no. I'm spelling it out with my fingers. This is the word Rekha and I are saying. Yeah. And we said, we said cunt, C-H-U-N-G. Yeah, I think that's the worst to me. Yeah, that's one I would never say. And I say fuck all the time. You would say chink?
No. I don't.
Good night, everybody. I can say that.
I was just about to say, I don't consider slurs cusses. Yeah, I think all slurs bad. Don't say those. Don't say. But cusses say a bunch.
OK, but I'm talking about the David Henry Hwang play. So actually, that's theatrical content. I have more of an M butterfly, man. Wow, this conversation's bad. What about the ones that are sort of like, can you say chode on TV?
Yeah. If you're referring to the object. What's the object? A penis that's fatter than it ish. As opposed to what? What the act is? I don't know. The verb, I'm choding here. You're either describing like fucking wall-like penis or like a dumb idiot person. Yeah. I feel like if you're referring to the penis, it's allowed.
But you're not allowed to refer to a person. What I'm interested in is, are standards and practices constantly evolving to capture new bad things you can say? I think they're trying to. And that's why you have all these little like on creepy Reddit's. They've got like creepy ways to say a thing that is bad and would get flagged. But it's just like some other way of saying it. I actually wouldn't know because I'm not a creep.
Rekha spends between 8 and 10 every night on 4chan. Trolling women.
I also think, yeah, the internet is making language evolve so fast. I do think there's like a controversy where people are making celebs on Cameo say like subtly like white nationalists like slang terms or whatever. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, you're on Cameo.
They can make you say whatever they want. Yes. I mean, that's a bad contract. You simply must be able to say no, right? I think you can. For $50, you have to say no. But I think you don't know.
For the flag, you're like, hey, kiddo. I hear you're getting 44 blueberries today as if that would be the slang.
Do we have any Bachelorette fans here? Awesome. I have done the drug, and I know how good the drug is. And I just like quickly walk away from it. I'm an Are You The One fan personally. I brought this up because a villain of the most recent season did a Cameo.
Luke? Luke P. Yeah.
And it is so deeply uncomfortable to watch. Because he's super, super conservative in values, very much like slut-shamed The Bachelorette, and was like, if you have sex with other men besides me when we are married, that's going to be like a mistake for you, basically. And very much an idiot.
And he did this Cameo that was like someone asked, oh, it's my girlfriend's birthday. Can you do a Cameo for her? And he's like, hey, Jessica, or whatever. Happy birthday. But really, all the shouts out go to Nathan, your boyfriend. You should give him a lot of love in today for doing this for you. And it's just so funny. It's her birthday.
Why is this entire Cameo? All the men surrounding you. Yeah.
I'm like, you dumb. You so dumb.
Cameo is kind of a weird new internet thing. Would you get on it? Would I ever get on Cameo? I think if I was more famous and could leverage that. What would be your line? What would you not Cameo? If I were like, Sam, can you Cameo something that was just like, what's your line for what someone could ask you?
Oh, I see. Yeah, I don't know.
My grandpa's being put down. Can you do a Cameo? Put down?
I have a dog. I only know the dog term. I won't go into too much detail about this.
But Dan Gerwich had this tweet in the joke. He was playing into it. The joke was like, it was a mediocre tweet. And then everybody was congratulating him on how great the tweet was. Oh, yeah. I saw that tweet. So I thought it would be like super funny to get someone on Cameo to congratulate him for the tweet. So I did.
But the video, and I'm not going to tell you who it was. And the video was so unsuccessful. Despite the fact that I had paid money for it, I was like, I'm actually not going to follow through on this at all.
That's very funny. Wait, you mean the video just looks bad? The video was just like, the person did not play into the joke as successfully as I wanted. And are they like funny? It should have been funnier than it was.
Yeah, like who was it? Who was it?
OK, spell it out with your fakie. I think it was Brad Evans who did this thing. Did you guys see it? Where they faked that a mom was trying to convince their son to stop rummaging through their fudge drawer and stealing fudge out of it. And they got a bunch of professional wrestlers. Yeah, that's so funny. I like addressed the son. Brad Evans is so funny.
And compared to the person you got to cameo, would you guys ever buy a cameo for somebody? 100% is a joke. Fully yes, fully is a joke. What, like celeb plus what message?
OK, I would, like a couple of friends of mine just had a pilot fail. And I think I would have a celebrity congratulate them on a pilot failure.
Now I'm thinking about that, and I'm 100% going to. I'm definitely going to. You should be the most successful person you can. I'm going to get someone they wanted for the pilot.
Oh! If Karen Sorkin was on cameo, that'd be real sweet. Oh, boy.
You couldn't make the time limit or whatever. Well, is it pay by the minute? I've never done it. Or is it just the flat rate?
Well, what's interesting is people make their own rates. So you do have this comparison of what people think they're worth versus other people. There are people there for $1,000, and there are people there for like $80. And it would surprise you who is who. I was shocked by how cheap so many people were.
Is it because they're shooting it dog shit style? In the bathroom?
But still, it's like, I don't know, 10 of my friends hived for $20 as an actor on a TV show.
You have to be like, hey, Candace. Hey, Tony. Hey, Melissa. What's up?
Here's a pitch. What if we pooled ourselves? We did a College Humor cameo count, and it was literally all of us at once. Sam, I'm in. That would be worth so much money. And we each charge $1 per person. We're very rarely in at the same time. That would be a wreck on our jobs. I'd be like, I'm working from home today. I guess I got to go in and do a cameo for $1.
This is the best.
Oh, man. I'm going to go on right now. Yes. I'm curious. I think this would be interesting if I were to ask you all, people, and then you were to guess what you think. Absolutely. 100%.
I don't think of it in terms of it's what they're worth. I think if it's how much the effort of their labor would be. Because I don't think I'm worth almost anything. I'm worthless. But I would be expensive on something like that. Because that would truly exhaust me spiritually and emotionally.
Andy Dick. Wait, and is it by the message? By the message. $60. Yeah, I was going to guess like $50 or $40. $150. $99. Wow. And here's a question.
Is this both slander towards celebrities and IP? Is this public information? Yeah, I was going to say I don't think it counts as slander because we're just talking factually about stuff that's available on the internet.
Allegedly. Yeah. Allegedly. Allegedly cameo. Should I tell stories I've heard about all these celebrities that I don't have any confirmation for? Is that good? That would be a bad idea. I think it's OK as long as you say allegedly before it. Sure.
What if I do a sound effect that has to do with that celebrity? If you do an impression and say the bad thing they've done, I think that's legally permissible. You'll be like, hey, I'm doing a character.
I'm not tipping enough here. She's Andrew Dice Clay. Ernie Hudson, the Ghostbuster.
Oh. Wow. $70. Yeah, you said Andy Dick was $99. What did you say? Yeah, I'm setting Andy Dick as my baseline. My baseline is Dick. $40 if he's got a lot of free time. $150 if he's just not into it. I was going to say $40 as well. $135.
Honestly, good for fucking you. Here's the thing. What's interesting to me about that number is just that it's such a specific number.
Ernie Hudson was on the TV show Oz about prison. He was great on Oz. Oz is one of those shows. Why would I take it here? Oz is one of those shows on HBO that used to have a lot of male nudity.
So I'd stay up late at night watching it, hoping I'd see a penis. Interesting. Last one. Andy Dick. Charlie Sheen.
I bet he'd do something stupid like $1,000. Can you also see him being like, $1? He has so much Two and a Half Men money. I love the idea of pricing yourself super low.
That's a volume business at that point. Yeah, absolutely. Full time cameo.
I'll go $1,001. I'll go $1,000. No, I'll go $800. $550.
Wow. We're all on the right track, for sure. That is crazy, though, because I'm like, that still feels accessible. Again, if we all pooled some money, we could do it. I guess it only takes a minute for him, but I'm like, you made millions of dollars an episode on Two and a Half Men.
Why you got to be shouting out my cousin's birthday?
I wonder if there are limits. Could you get someone on Cameo to advertise a product? Probably not. You couldn't be like, I'll bet there's some sort of terms that you're not allowed to do. But I bet there's sneaky ways you could do that.
Hey, my cousin made this really cool craft. Can you congratulate her on her?
Should we get into the game time? Who's running the game? I run the game.
Oh boy. OK, so the game is Fuck, Marry, Kill. Y'all know this game? We know it. You've heard of it? Oh, I know this game. No, that's just fuck.
You don't know the marry and the kill. I'm not interested in the marry. Oh my goodness. I'm not interested in the marry. Oh my goodness. You little dirtbag.
I'm going to give three options of ideas, words, concepts, things you can fuck, marry, kill. And you guys just decide and debate the merits. Are we deciding as a group? No, I think individually we'd like to hear. I'm going to skip this one because we literally did this on Slumber Party.
This is a crossover episode. It's a crossover. Do you remember that thing that was three episodes long? This is a crossover. OK, ooh, this is good.
Why? Because Slimer is gooey. Ew! But wouldn't that provide like no like pressure?
No, that's just a big flush light. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. That's sort of a big lubed up fucking marshmallow that I can use over and over again because it's his whole body. And that's what I call a partner. And that's what I call Monday night.
OK, so then you fuck Slimer, you marry the Shrek? I marry Shrek.
So is this Grinch like post his heart growing many sizes? Very good question. OK. You know what? I'm going to say all of these people are who they are by the end of the movie. Oh, sorry. Green items. I have an answer then. I would marry the Grinch because I think at the end he's like sweet and like a nice person now.
And I know less about Shrek. I would fuck because if the internet has shown me anything, it's that he's got a huge dick. He's got a huge dick and I know that's canon. I know that.
You know Fiona. Fiona's riding a dragon of her own.
That being said, I could not marry him. He has very annoying friends. I do not want to hang out with Donkey. And then I guess I've got to kill Slimer, sorry.
Oh boy, Donkey, speaking of big dicks. You mean big ass? Donkey, look, he's big everywhere.
I think I would marry Shrek because that guy's got a heart of gold the whole movie. I would kill Slimer just because Slimer's kind of a waste. And I would fuck the Grinch. Well, here's the thing. The Grinch certainly, like I think if you were that dark in your soul at one point, I wouldn't trust to marry the Grinch. Yeah, you're probably down. Fucking the Grinch, I think I could get into that. I think I agree with Sam's choices because I think Slimer, to me, it's just too wet. Shocking how quickly you said you'd fuck the Grinch.
It's just too wet. And it's like, you know, it would be like, it's too wet. Yeah, you know everyone seems to be very dry.
I would like to produce my own Slimer.
Also, you're a guy. You're a guy. Yes. You're a guy so you can just stick your thingy in anything.
Slimer does nothing for us. To me, it actually prevents me from feeling anything. Yeah, just a bunch of goop sliding around. It's too much. In the case of Slimer, what are you even really working with?
Is he going to go inside of me? Sure. He does that to people all the time. That's his thing, going inside of things. Well, that's not my kink. All right, that's fine.
I'm very vanilla. So I think I kill Slimer. I think I marry the Shrek because I think he's got a bit of a heart of gold. I also think he has a fucking job. And I'm like, OK, great.
He keeps a swamp. He's so loud. He is loud, but I don't care.
The Scottish accent's kind of cool. It's kind of cool. Yeah, and he has a fucking job. And he cooks. I mean, it looks like shit.
It's like, I don't know.
Does the Grinch have no job? The Grinch steals and stuff. I don't know what his job is.
He's got a bad boy. And that's why I fuck the Grinch, because I'm like, ooh, this is like a college night. And you're like, oh, maybe I dare. Honestly, Grinch is kind of daddy. I mean, he does have that beard. Graddy.
He's all gangly and furry. Each of his fingers looks like a little penis. Have you seen the people who grow their fingernails out forever? He looks like that. His whole body looks like that.
And that's daddy.
People who grow out their fingernails till they're curly, that's daddy. You heard it here first. You heard it here. Hottest new trend, growing out your fingernails in a record-breaking kind of way.
Well, tweet at us and tell us your answers. Which green thing would you fuck? OK, next one. Ooh, OK.
Christmas past, Christmas present, and Christmas future. OK, now these are our personal Christmases or the Christmases from the story? I would say the Christmases from the story.
I'm specifically thinking of a Muppets Christmas Carol. The best Christmas Carol movie that there is. I think that's OK. I think if it's from a Christmas Carol spin-off, that's fine.
OK, which is the one worse? Should we go reverse order?
Yeah. Can I answer first? OK. I'm going to go philosophical with this. I'm going to say, you know what? The past is over and done. Oh my god. I'm going to say the present is all about hedonistic pleasure. It's about being in the moment. Sam's good at this. The future, that's who you marry. Shut up. Because that's your long-term investment. That is beautiful. That sucks. And I also agree. Beautiful. Wow. OK, but hear me out.
In Christmas future, that's the one where they're like, you're dead, right? That's where it's like you were such a bad person. All these people fell away from your life and blah, blah, blah. Christmas future is terrible.
Yeah, it's a bad future, so I kill that. So I kill the bad version of the future. I kill the consequences of my actions. Yes, I kill the consequences of my actions. I kill that timeline.
Everything else is golden. There are no consequences for my actions.
The present was everyone being happy without him, right? Is that right? The present is like he's a miserly shitbag. And he's seeing the impact he's had on other people's lives. What's the one where they're happy? That doesn't mean a story. Are you thinking it's a wonderful life and a reverse sort of? It's like after the story.
OK, you marry the present, because that's just what you got. That's the time you're in. And you fucked the past, because you're young. Yeah. I see that too. There's something reminiscent and beautiful, but you can't marry the past, because you'll be stuck in time. But like, fucking the past, I'm like, ooh. That's a nostalgic trip. Everyone's young and hot.
Ooh. Ooh, baby. Grant? Well, kill the future.
Because in A Muppet Christmas Carol, it's a grim reaper figure with no face. And so there's nothing to touch there.
Kind of like Slimer. Well, no, Slimer's very wet.
Come on. And I can, I can, so.
Slimer's like boogers. Would you fuck boogers? Would I fuck boogers?
Have I? Consider that it's a lot of boogers. A lot.
And they become soft. Like, becoming soft is my specialty.
You heard it here. Hit up Grant on Grindr. Kill the future. Fuck the present, because he's always saying, come in and know me better, man. And you know, come. And then by default, marry the past.
Although I don't have a lot of opinions about that particular kind. So your Peter Pan's complex. I mean, it's really lining up.
Cool. OK. Let me cherry pick, which I think maybe, do we want to? How many more do we want to do? Two more? Two more. OK, great.
I know the answer. I think you're like Good Will Hunting on the chalkboard. I think right off the bat, I know you kill the traffic jam. That's not the right answer. OK, you kill the something in your teeth because you're vain?
No, I agree that you kill the traffic jam. You kill the traffic jam because that takes the most out of your life. A traffic jam can add like two hours to your day.
You know what? You could also fuck it. OK. Because you're on a little European vacation. You know what? I will change my answer.
OK, kill the thing in your teeth. So nothing's ever in your teeth. So your teeth are golden. And Grant needs that because his teeth are going through some shit.
When aren't they? You marry the paper jam because it's a small annoyance. You're like, I can handle this. It's like a little nag every day. You fix it, whatever.
You fuck that traffic jam, and it's explosive. It's a traffic accident. And it's two hours long. And there's limbs flying through glass, airbags popping out. Boy, there's rubberneck gear going all the way.
All right, that's my answer. I mean, here's the right answer. You kill something stuck in your teeth because there's nothing more annoying than that.
You fuck the paper jam because the office copier, you know, you can copy your ass. You can stick your dick in any part of a printer. I can't stick my vagina in any part of a printer. I just said you can copy your ass. Now, anyone can copy their ass.
That is not a kind of trick. I don't like anal.
Listen, vanilla. We've established this. It's also nice and warm. Yeah, I guess it's more like sitting on someone's face. Yeah, it's great.
OK, but there's a paper jam. So it's giving you paper cuts all on your ass. That's not where the paper comes out.
Listen, here's the point. The point is you marry the traffic jam. Because that is my impression of long-term relationships anyway.
You're stuck somewhere. You're not getting anywhere. You're just locked up there together.
Or you're very nicely listening to music in a podcast and PR. Sure, yeah, I'd marry that too. That sounds nice. That's my impression of long marriages. It's like, well, we're sitting here listening to a podcast.
What do you want, a short marriage? I don't want any marriage.
You heard it here first. Grant aspires to be lonely. I would fuck the printer. There's just something about the process of tugging stuck paper out of a printer, like shoving new paper in a printer. The whole thing feels very like.
Oh my god, Sam. Holy shit.
We could put it like that. What's the weight of the paper? We're talking A4s. Oh, goodness. And if you need a poster? Oh, fuck, get that legal paper in there. It's long.
I think you would kill a traffic jam. Nobody likes traffic jam.
Yes, you fuck it. There's nothing hot about that. Yes, you fuck it. Oh, I know you fuck it. And I think that you would marry something stuck in your teeth, because there's nothing more intimate than calling your partner out. Yes, I think there's something more intimate. I do not mind it that that much. Yeah.
If you hadn't. Have you ever been so close with someone that you have gotten the thing out of hand? That you have gotten the thing out of their teeth?
Sam, no. Yes. Here's what I'll do. I'll take their finger, and I point it. Yes. And I go, it's there. Totally.
Oh, if my friend's close enough, and I can't get it, I'm just like, can you get it for me? They'll just get it for me. This is similar, but different.
We had a milestone last year where she got chili on her fingers, so she couldn't touch her face because her hands were burning up. And she had to take her contact lenses out. And I touched her eyeballs in order to.
And what was it like? It was amazing. I never felt so good.
You're all right. This is something to aspire to. OK, but think about it.
You get ugly in your teeth, and your partner goes, ugh, and they take it out with their tongue. I know. My teeth are chasms. Every night I beg you, late. Let me touch your eyeballs, please. I think, oh, boy, I think I fuck the printer malfunction because there is something erotic about it.
Even though you don't have an ass? I don't have an ass. You famously don't have an ass, and you can't copy it?
Lily, yes. That's what you said. Oh, no, I think I said I don't want to do anal. Oh, yes, I see. Because Lord knows, South Indian women's got an ass. OK, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant.
I think I marry the traffic jam because there is something metaphorical about it. And I don't like driving, so traffic seems nice because I don't move. You don't have to drive.
And I think I kill something starting my teeth only because I feel that even though that seems like a short-term annoyance, I think it does long-term damage because if you don't get all that shit out, it creates decay. And that sounds like a bad fucking relationship.
Responsible. Very smart. Thanks. OK. Wow. There's so many good ones here. Lightning round? Huh? Lightning round? OK, great. Yes. OK.
No time to think.
OK. I'm going to start with Grant on this one. AM, FM, XM. Kill FM, fuck XM, marry AM. You marry AM? I guess that makes sense. Yeah. What do I want to marry FM with all their ads? No, thank you. Lily. Marry XM, fuck FM, kill AM. OK. I'm going to say kill AM. It's becoming more like all right by the year. Marry FM, that's just like the standard for good music. You fuck XM because you really want XM for like one night. Yes. You have stern. I agree. I agree with Sam. I'm going to kill AM. I'm going to marry FM. I'm going to fuck XM because it seems like a wild ride. OK. I'll start with Lily.
Violin, saxophone, flute. FM, fuck the flute. I forget the other instruments. Violin, saxophone. I kill the violin. I marry the saxophone because jazz is sexy.
Yes. OK, Sam.
Kill the flute, that's annoying. You marry the violin, that's very civilized. You fuck the saxophone because come on, man.
Bill Clinton, let's go. Whoa. Yeah, come on, world's sexiest man, Bill Clinton.
Is this before or after the Epstein? OK. Never mind.
We don't know yet. For all, in case something comes out in two weeks, we don't know yet. We don't know yet.
It is a both sides litmus test, depending on how people swing on that. Yes.
I will say, I think I'm going to kill the violin because I think it will judge me for not being as smart as it. I am going to fuck the flute because it sounds like that is your pretentious art dude that's like, he's hot, but I ain't going to marry this fucker. And I'm going to marry the saxophone. Grant. I'm going to kill the flute because that's an annoying instrument. I'm going to fuck the saxophone because it sort of vibrates right on that curve.
A very physically oriented answer. Yeah. And then marry the violin because by default. And that sounds like a nice reason for marriage. Sam, I'm going to start with you. The last one.
Biology, chemistry, physics. Fuck physics. Come on. That's all about the friction and the. I think you marry biology. You want someone who really gets you. Who am I killing? Chemistry.
I was terrible in that subject.
Oh, interesting. OK. I think, wow, do I agree again? I think I agree.
I think you fuck physics because I'm like, show me something I don't know. And then I marry biology because I was actually very, very good at biology and I really, really love it. And chemistry, it's like, I get that that and biology are intertwined in a beautiful way, almost like its brother. And it's like, I can think you're hot, but I don't have to marry you.
Kill physics because it's the most boring one of all of them. I do think it is the most boring.
Fuck chemistry because it's got that, you know, got that spark and it's not enough heat everywhere. Yeah, thermal energy.
Everyone else is playing with these ideas as metaphor and Grant is very literally like, I would love to fuck sodium acetate. Which of these has the biggest hole that I can hold? Oh, fuck, a titration device would feel good up my ass. It would, though. It's got that big bell. Bunsen burner, my balls.
And then I marry biology by default. Ew, that is so wrong. Marriage is always Grant's afterthought. I marry physics because it is the most complex and pulls from all the subjects. I feel like it is the worldliest and wisest of them. And then I fuck biology because that's a body.
That's a dead corpse or something. That's a cadaver.
And then I kill chemistry. Fuck that subject.
Cool. Thank you for validating. We did it. We did it, Grant. We did it. Let's move on to the next one.
It's rejected sketch theater. Rejected sketch theater.
And Lily, we're reading a sketch that you wrote. Wow, Lily.
It may be my second or third week here. And can you tell us what it's called? Yeah, tell us about this. Yeah, so when I got here, they were like, and over time you'll figure out what your comedic voice is or what do you think it is. And I tried to describe it, but I was like, let me try to write things that I think are in my voice, which is how I ended up pitching and getting assigned, please let me punch you in the balls. I also was looking at a lot of old College Humor sketches being like, oh, what are spiritual sequels I can do?
And Grant has the one that's like where he's trying to kiss cast members all the time. Yes. Yes, so this is my version of that. I wrote that with Katie Maravich. And as we were sitting writing it, we're sitting like, there's no way out of everybody but me kissing at the end of it. And Katie's like, yes, you're right. And then on the day, he's like, why did we write this this way? I think it maybe cuts out before everyone's like, no? They kiss.
Part of the job. That's awesome. Cool, so you want to assign roles? Yes, I will read stage. Grant will read Grant. Cool. Part of I was born to play. Rekha, can you read Lily? Yes. Sam, can you read Wrath? Yes. Looks like Tao is also featured in this? Yes, he is. I will read Tao also. Ooh, complex casting. All right. Rekha, can you do the part of Lily justice? That's the question. I'm going to try it. Do your Lily impression right now.
OK. That's actually really good. That's actually a great impression. Do you feel aroused? OK. I've known Lily for a long time. It's actually OK that it is. It's actually OK. She calls me. It is actually deeply OK. And that's another Lily impression. Yeah.
Interior CH office day. Stylized, Grant and Lily run into the office scared, running away from something. I think we escaped the swarm. There's another beanier caught.
Ah, punch it to death, as much as you need to get the job done. If you say so. Lily goes to town, punching Grant in the crotch. Cut to interior CH3 day. Lily, Grant, and Tao are sitting around a writer's table. And then I'm just punching and punching and punching. Hold on.
I am terrified of bees, but I would never beg you to punch me in the balls to kill one.
Well, it's my sketch, and it's truthful to my comedic voice. It seems like you just wrote another sketch where you get to punch Grant in the balls. No. What even is the premise of the sketch? Extreme fears lead to extreme measures, or I don't know, things that are funny to me. OK. Do you have other sketches, or should we just move on? I have more. And this one's a parody of The Matrix, so it has nothing to do with you. Great.
Interior CH3 day. Recreation of The Matrix scene. Raph is Morpheus, seated across from Grant as Neo.
This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, you get punched in the right nut, and the story ends. Hold on.
I'm reading my sketch. You take the red pill, you get punched in the left nut, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. No. Interior CH3 day. Back to Lily, Grant, and Tao pitching. No way are we doing a Matrix parody where I get punched in the balls. It doesn't even make sense. Yes, it does. Neo is stuck in the Matrix, and the only way to get out is to shut down Grant's balls. That's insane. This is my comedic vision.
Fine. How about a sketch where you have no balls? Is that better? No. I'd have no balls.
Interior College Humor Lounge day.
Tao and Grant are talking. I actually feel like I'm going free. Good for you, man. Yeah. It's like I was living in constant fear before, and now I. Grant doubles over in pain.
Pan to reveal Lily holding Grant's balls in a Ziploc bag and punching them. Wait, why does it still hurt if they're not attached anymore? A phantom ball syndrome. That might have been a Miss Kat. Miss attributed line, cut to Interior CH3 day. Grant grabs Lily's notebook. Let me see that.
Apocalypse balls. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Grant's balls. Trap kills Grant's balls. Schindler's balls.
All your pitches are just about punching me in the balls. You said when I started here to believe in my voice and write what I think is funny, and this is the only thing that makes me laugh.
Please, Grant. No. Let's just move on to branded pitches. Fine. Just silence my artistic voice in favor of corporatized shill comedy to meet the bottom line. Interior CH office day.
Tao, Lily, and Grant sit around eating lame chips. I'm so tired of these same old flavors. My mouth is so bored.
They'll punch you in the balls with flavor. The shot is from the bag up. A fist comes out of the bag and starts punching Grant in the balls.
Cut to Interior CH3 day. That is crazy. That would never sell. In a beautiful world that is accepting of my comedic vision. I already sent this bitch to Chomsky's, and they love it. Blackout. For a post-haught, Interior CH office day.
Stylized and polished like an ad, Grant faces Cameron and eats Chomsky's. He says the following through bouts of pain. Yum, yum. Sizzling hot Chomsky's. They'll punch you in the balls with flavor.
Yay.
So this was basically an excuse to punch Grant in the balls as many times as you possibly. Oh, it could be funny.
I love that Chomsky's has taken on this role in CH lore. Chomsky's started, I believe, with it was Pat Cassel's wrote for bad internet. Yeah, wrote Chomsky's chips. Oh, funny. Users on Discord have demanded Chomsky's merch.
And I'm like, that's very fun. That's very fun. I think that's fun.
We would have to partner with like a t-shirt. Oh. But that would be amazing. If we could sell Chomsky's chips. If we took the shitty won't say brand name chips, you know, that we're all thinking of, and just repackaged them as Chomsky's, oh, maybe. We'll sell like hotcakes. Oh, maybe.
I have a question. Personally, this isn't a question. This is a statement of opinion. I want to see if people agree with me.
I prefer un-kettled chips to kettle chips. Same. I like kettle chips. I do not know what kettle means. Kettle chips being the thicker, crunchier chips.
The fancier ones. They're too hard. Versus the classic. They are really hard. They're too hard.
I feel like I'm going to break my braces. To be fair, Grant and I both have historically very bad weak teeth. Yeah, I don't need any of that. One of my teeth is becoming weak right now, and so I'm trying to avoid super. Would like, I'm sorry to hear that. I don't mean to steam up that comment.
Which one of your teeth is? Yes. I just have a molar back here that's got a little bit of pain and I need to get Invisalign now. I haven't eaten on this side of my mouth in about six months. Yes. OK.
I do like kettle, but they're too hard. Would Cape Cod potato chips be considered? Yes, those are kettled. I fucking love Cape Cod.
That's not slander. That's free. That's free advertising, which we're also not allowed to do.
Who wants to read questions? We have cards in your hand. What are we going to do? I just picked them up. Let's do some questions. Is everybody ready?
This is very exciting. This is really weird that this would be the first one.
If College Humor, Drawfee, and Dorkly are all related, then who is the big dog on top, and who are the Sam Rachs of the other companies?
I see. This question is asked by. This is about corporate structure. This question is asked by Fierce Deity Shadow Howe. Great. I guess the answer to that is that technically, I think I'm supposed to be anyway sitting on top of all of these brands.
So you're the Sam Rachs. You're the Sam Rachs. I am the Sam Rachs.
But Drawfee, while it's steered largely by committee, was founded by Caldwell and Nathan. Caldwell's no longer with the company. Nathan is still its founder.
But Sam Rach, who's the Sam Rach of your life? Who's the Sam Rach of my life? Ooh. I guess my Sam Rach is Rich Cusick, who's our CEO.
Hi, Rich. Hey, Rich. Hi, Rich.
Do you decide casting for a bigger dropout series? I've noticed, for example, that Ally is a main character in many of them. This comes from Fool Moron Grant. Yeah, I've noticed Ally seems to be in a lot of those shows.
And I'm just wondering, how does that decision get made? We know that can't be Grant, because Grant doesn't know how to make a second Discord name. Come on. Grant doesn't know. Grant's Discord username wouldn't be Fool Moron Grant.
It'd be like Hot Daddy 69. It'd be like a bunch of numbers, because I wouldn't know how to change it. Yeah, exactly.
I think the honest answer to that question is casting sometimes happens really organically. Someone will create a show, and obviously they star in that show. And otherwise, it'll be a matter of who they write parts for. Or it'll be people co-create a show and then all star in it together. I can speak to Troopers, which was something that none of the people who wrote it were main stars of it all. When we wrote those two roles, we had joked in the room, like, oh, I feel like this would be Raph and Ally. But we didn't know that they would be able to do it. And then by the time it got to casting, we were like, why don't we just ask Raph and Ally? This is a natural fit. So that's why they both ended up being the stars of that.
How did casting for something like Gods of Food, which doesn't incorporate as many college humor people work? Well, that was specifically because we were trying to parody Chef's Table. And Chef's Table covers a wide gamut of people and age ranges and things like that, which the cast does not necessarily cover a wide gamut of age range and things.
We're all babies. We didn't want it to be like, people aged up to look like chefs. We really wanted them to look like real people. So we knew that going in. And it was like, cool. So I can't just ask a bunch of my 30-year-old friends to be in this. We want people that look a certain way.
So that we did outside casting for. And you'll see the cast in little tiny ways throughout this series. But outside casting was really helpful for that because we had a really specific look. We knew that the cast would not be able to fulfill. Grant, talk about your audition for the role of Grant in Total Forgiveness.
Oh, man. Do you want to hear my monologue that I did? It's from Death of a Salesman. Also, this question just depends on, like you were saying, Sam, who pitches what thing.
So Ally happens to have a lot of great ideas that work for Dropout, like paranoia and Total Forgiveness. And they were in Troopers. So it's just luck of the, oh, your idea works better for Dropout.
Sure. I think there's this other thing that's happening, too, which is as people get busier and busier, there's this, OK, who's available to do this? OK, well, it's just I'm always available. So it actually is the thing.
It also, too, is, because the question was about Ally, Ally is remarkably fun to write for. Ally can just deliver. Ally just parks it every time. And Ally's great on set, like improvising. Yes, especially like unscripted formats, which they are a part of a lot of those on Dropout. Ally really shines. This has become an Ally stan.
Oh, I stan. I stan. This is very funny.
How do you feel when you meet someone taller than you? Is it surprising? Is it uncomfortable? Is there anyone?
It's addressed to you, Grant. Oh, it's to Grant? Nope, it's addressed to everyone. It doesn't say Grant on it. We're addressed to get to everyone.
Grant, how do you feel when you meet someone taller than you? Is it surprising? Is it uncomfortable? Is there anyone you ever met that you literally had to look up to? This comes from Studio. I have a lot to say about this. I don't meet people taller than me often. And so when I do, it is honestly a little uncomfortable. Only because that's a dynamic that I'm so not used to.
Hot or not? Completely outside of the realm of sex.
And the other thing I was going to say is people ask about dating people taller or shorter, or just comment on their height a lot. And I don't notice people's heights because everyone's shorter than me. The difference between 5'7 and 6'1 to me is so shockingly nothing. I have no idea what's tall and what's not. Someone 6'2 would be shorter than you.
Yes. You're 6'4, right? I'm 6'5. Oh, shit. Are we allowed to say that? I mean, uh.
Oh, no. People. People.
Oh, man. Now no one's going to vote. Oh, shit.
Were you taller than? The bargaining chip I had. Were you taller than Keith from BuzzFeed? I was. I was quite a bit taller. I am quite a bit taller than Keith.
This might be a personal question. Yes. But some hetero men will have this feeling of like, oh, I like a girl who's shorter than me. Can I pick her up? Or whatever the fuck. Do you have any sort of thoughts?
Rekha, whoa. My favorite part of the Rekha.
Arms. And you only see that on Dropout.
Is like, if you're dating someone, whatever gender they may be, do you have like a sense of like, I want to feel like I can be like taken care of. Or like, I like to feel like I can take care of this person.
This is a kink quiz question.
I think because I mean, I just only have experience being bigger than the people I'm dating. So I really don't have a lot to compare it to. I just am bigger than.
Do you like to pick people up and give them piggyback, Rekha? That was on our show. Like on The Bachelor? At our live show this weekend. There was a whole interview about picking people up. Which if you're ever in the LA area, on the first Saturday of the month, come to the College Humor live show.
Not at our office. You can't see us at our office.
I'm trying to think my answer to that question. This is a roundabout answer to this question.
But my dad is a very short man. He's 4 foot 10. No. So I grew up a little bit insecure about my height. I was definitely one of the shorter kids in my class. But having him around as a role model, he was very quick to be like, your height doesn't define you at all. And also in the world of dating, he was like, if I limited myself to women who were shorter than me, I would have no options. Is your mom a lot taller than your dad? She's 5' 5".
So yeah. So yeah, the height thing has never made much of a difference to me. I don't think I ever allowed it to. But in terms of that whole, do you want to be taken care of or not, I'm totally switchy. That's great.
I'll bet that because I think it's people in the middle who get very insecure about their height. Straight guys who are 5' 9", are the most dangerous people in the world. Absolutely, they're always like, I'm 5' 11". And you're like, you're 5' 9", bitch. I put heels on, I'm taller than you. Shout out to my ex-boyfriend. I like this notion of there is nothing more dangerous than the 5' 9".
Your ex is not. Yeah, we'll talk about that. Yeah, great. If you were to date a basketball player, would that feel like? I would like to try being a little spoon once. Yeah, no, that's essentially what I'm asking. They're also so athletic. I do. People who are smaller. But it is harder. No, what I will say, I don't have much of an opinion about that.
I think people who are attracted to me are after like, you're big, take care of me. And so I end up playing that role a lot. So maybe you have undue burden put on you a lot.
Someone take care of Grant. Someone marry Grant. He actually needs us to marry him.
I'll be mean to you. We don't need it. Yeah, it won't be fun.
Was that all the questions? That was all the questions. Ooh, amazing. Spicy questions. Did you answer? This was a very sexy podcast. It was.
I didn't answer the height question because I have no reason to. I'm quite short. I've never thought I was short. And then people told me I was quite short. I'm very much average woman's height. But everyone to me, and here's a short person's thing, you're saying you can't tell the difference between 5'7 and 6'1. All tall people are the same height to me. Honestly, you look my height. I know, Grant, that you are taller than me. But if you were to be like, Rekha, you've never seen Grant's height before in your life. How tall is he? But I don't know, a little taller than me. Rekha, truly same. Truly, like, I don't know, vaguely shorter than I am.
Wow, the perfect couple.
Even though it is psychotic to frame us, though one of the first sketches I wrote here, I wrote us in a frame together. Don't do that. It's a peek behind the curtain. If I'm standing next to someone in a shot, I'm almost always like, oh my god, he's crouching. The How Tall is Grant sketch got written based on the fact that because when people frame me up, I have to get in so many weird positions to do it.
So you got to write him sitting. You got to write him on his knees. Shined sitting.
There are a bunch of actors out there in Hollywood, men, who have designated apple box heights for scenes where they're supposed to be in the same frame. I know people who haven't been cast because they're taller than the lead or whatever.
Did you see that all? Well, I mean, that's why Ally gets all those parts. Did you see that Fast and Furious or Hobbs and Shaw or whatever thing, the interview with The Rock, Jason Statham. And I don't know if Idris was included in this thing, but they have a certain amount of fights they are required contractually to win in the movie to show that they are big men.
Oh, wow. Oh, my god.
I would love to sign up for that movie and just be like, I want my ass captured. Yeah, I know. I want to lose every fight. I'd be like Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Just shame me. Yes, rewrite history.
I have a certain amount of jokes. My characters are required to get in sketches. And they have to be super funny. There's crowd, like, laughter, like, canned laughter, just overreacting.
Yeah, I am so deeply insecure and such a shit bag to work with. Legally, I am required to punch two balls a month or emasculate once. Thank you. Otherwise, I am deeply emasculated to the point where I will kill you.
Yeah. Wow. On that note, hey, find us on Cameo or on Dropout. We'll be pricing very high on Cameo, but for very reasonable on Dropout. Again, it's all of us shipped into the same frame. Yes. What if we did a discount Cameo search on Dropout? It just puts up a subscription fee. I love that. Is that what Discord is? If you show us your receipt, yeah, I'll send you a fee. You already get to talk to us. It's true. All right. Thank you for listening and for watching.
Bye, friends. Goodbye. Hey, it's Lily.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five times one. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_album_recording_session_snl | What's up, y'all? My name is Young Spicy, and I'm a producer. I'm about to release my first album, Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today. How You doing? Hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, So, basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for my beat, so something kind of sexy and cool. Yeah, so, for example, something like. Mike Willmaven. Or this one? Maybach Music. And We've heard you two have some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like, Young Spicy, so Fuego. Oh, yeah. Can you do that? Okay, we got you, Mr. Spicy. All Right, I'm gonna go ahead and start the beat. You Two, Take it away, and then let's get some lunch. Take one. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll give you some options. Ooh, Young Spicy Got that vibe in. Damn, Young Spicy's flaming hot. Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going. Ooh, Young Spicy, you stupid. Ooh, Spicy can read. Damn, Spicy, you illiterate. Okay, I Love it, but just FYI, I can read. I'm a reader. Okay, all right, we got you, we got you. Okay. Ooh, Spicy can read by his struggles with. All Right, let's stop. Let's stop actually. Let's stop. I think we got it, man. Let's get some lunch. Nope, no lunch, all right. So Y'all remember the assignment, right? Yeah, we hear you. We're good. Yeah, but we artists, you know, we just responding to the vibes. Okay, let's do a different vibe then, okay? Maybe Let's do something like, ooh, Spicy, these beats nasty. Okay, get it out, I See you. Okay, all right. All Right, cool. Cool, cool. One more take, and then we all getting gyros. Yeah, Taziki sauce on us, all right? Take two. Okay, so like, ooh, Spicy, you filthy for this. Exactly, yeah, let's get a couple more like that, yeah. Spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry? Ooh, Spicy don't wash his pillows. His Groves, yeah. Sam, Spicy, you got that duck ring around your toilet. I'm uncomfortable here. Damn, Spicy, you live like this? All Right, let's stop, let's actually stop. Okay, ladies, I'm begging you. Okay, we getting closer. We getting closer, I Dig that. No Baby stuff, like Spicy gets you hot, something like that. Okay, damn, Spicy got me sweating. Yes, thank you, yeah, yeah. Ooh, I don't usually sweat like this, I'm scared. Damn, Spicy, why the room's spinning all of a sudden? Damn, Spicy, all I had was one sprite, I shouldn't be feeling like that. Ooh, I think Spicy put something in my d-d-d-d-d-d-drain. Sp-sp-sp-sp-spiciness to be on a watch list. Hey, cut the track, cut that, cut that. And You know what, actually, let's just call it a day, I'm good. Okay, I mean, listen. Whatever, right? I mean, what we gave it was Fuego. Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet for real. Hey, Spicy, can I try one? Bro, what? Please? All Right, all right. Yeah, Spicy got that. five. Okay, I like that. Yeah, yeah, Spicy got that. E, okay? Despite His struggles with his reading. No! We're helping this out today. How You doing? Hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, So basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for my beat, so something kind of sexy and cool. Yeah, So for example, something like. Mike Willmaven. Or this one. Maybach Music. And We've heard you two have some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like, Young Spicy, so fuego. Okay, we got you, Mr. Spicy. All Right, I'm gonna go ahead and start the beat. You two take it away, and then let's get some lunch. Take one. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll give you some options. Ooh, Young Spicy got that five, yeah. Damn, Young Spicy's flaming hot. Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going. Ooh, Young Spicy, you stupid. Ooh, Spicy can read. Damn, Spicy, you illiterate. Okay, I love it, but just FYI, I can read. I'ma read it. Okay, all right, we got you, we got you. Okay. Ooh, Spicy can read, but his struggles with. All Right, let's stop. Let's stop actually. Let's stop. I think we got it, man. Let's get some lunch. Nope, no lunch, all right. So Y'all remember the assignment, right? Yeah, we hear you, we're good. Yeah, but we artists, you know, we just respond to the vibes. Okay, let's do a different vibe then, okay? Maybe Let's do something like, ooh, Spicy, these beats nasty. Okay, get it out, Okay, all right. All Right, cool. One more take, and then we all getting gyros. Yeah, Taziki's also on us high. Take two. Okay, so like, ooh, Spicy, you filthy for this. Exactly, yeah. Let's get a couple more like that, yeah. Spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry? Ooh, Spicy Don't wash his pillows, his groves, yeah. Damn, Spicy, you got that dark ring around your toilet. I'm uncomfortable here. Damn, Spicy, you live like this? All Right, let's stop. Let's actually stop. Okay, ladies, I'm begging you. Can Y'all just say something like, ooh, the ladies love Spicy. Something like that? Yeah, and after this take, I'm gonna give me a little hummus with the pita bread. Take Three. Damn, Spicy Getting everybody pregnant. Okay, we getting closer. We getting closer, I Dig that, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no baby stuff. No, like, Spicy gets you hot. Something like that. Okay. Damn, Spicy got me sweating. Yes, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, I Don't usually sweat like this. I'm scared. Damn, Spicy, why the room's spinning all of a sudden? Damn, Spicy, how is one's pride? I Shouldn't be feeling like that. Ooh, I think Spicy put something in my D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-ring. Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-spiciness to be on a watch list. Hey, cut the track, cut that, cut that intro. And You know what, actually, let's just call it a day. I'm good. Okay, I mean, listen. Whatever, right? I Mean, what we gave it was Fuego. Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet for real. Hey, Spicy, can I try one? Bro, what? Please. All Right, all right. Yeah, Spicy got that five. Okay, I like that. Yeah, yeah, Spicy got that E, okay? Despite His struggles with his reading. No! |
ClickHole | what_does_it_mean_to_be_a_man | Men are supposed to be stoic, quiet, strong. Nothing's supposed to get to us. From a young age, we're all told that you have to be tough, like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan or Yao Ming or General Tso or Confucius. When you're a real man, you can't hold hands or cry. You can't read books about anything except monster trucks. And if you wear a hat that doesn't have horns or spikes, everyone will laugh at you until you fly away. You're not supposed to cry. You're not supposed to laugh. Just keep it all bottled up.
I never saw my dad cry except once. That made me uncomfortable because he had died two years earlier, but here he was crying and screaming, and snakes were coming out of his eyes. That really affected me.
I'm a dude, so I fight everything. I fight birthday cakes. I fight lunchboxes, hospitals. I fight goats and rams, hair.
The free turkey men get is good. The free Oreos are good. But mustard costs four times as much for men, and that can be so hard sometimes. I think a real man is brave enough to drink sodas after 8 p.m. or not shave his head after his 35th birthday, no matter what society or Lord Grumman says.
Well, I feel like every time I leave my house, I have to man up. I have to know my state capital, so I have to tell him to the bus driver or he won't let me ride on the bus to the candy store. I cough up orange foam every day. It hurts. It smells like pepper. As a man, I don't have no boobies. I have a nut bag. I have a pee-pee. I look at them every day. I hate that you're not considered a real man unless you sleep in the men's warehouse every night. You can get in the car and you can drive the car, but when you get to the circus, it's always closed and all the clowns have died.
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of things. I'm afraid of being lonely. I'm afraid of dog bites. I'm really afraid of Lord Grumman.
I don't even know what music sounds like.
If I hear it, Lord Grumman will turn me into a tree. You know, you might be up with friends and someone steps to you and you have to build a statue of him and kiss it until he runs away because you have to be a man. There's no one way to be a man. A real man can be a dancer or a moonbeam or an arrow that pierces the heart of Lord Grumman. Sometimes I just want to eat some oatmeal or a bagel, but instead, I have to eat this complete breakfast. I don't care what Lord Grumman says. I want to be a good man. I want to hit a cow with my car. I want to have the biggest skeleton in the universe. |
cracked | that_time_donkey_kong_almost_had_a_shotgun_canonball | Ah, Donkey Kong, everyone's favorite reformed kidnapper. And look at that carefully rendered monkey butt crack. Now, that's what gets you the Nintendo seal of quality right there. You might've first met the famous ape when he was playing Princess Keepaway from Jumpman, later called Mario, later called by people with my specific New Jersey accent but soon enough, the name Donkey had become enough of a hit to earn his own games, ones which wisely, they decided to avoid his penchant for abducting women against their will as well as the truly horrible question of what his final goal was there? So began the founding of Donkey Kong Country and its many sequels and soon enough, Donkey Kong and fam were literally rolling in dough. The games were great and are rightly fondly remembered.
Well, outside of the mine cart levels. I was a child, child. I had no chance.
Good or bad, Donkey Kong is full of memories for indoor kids everywhere, from barrels to bouncy tires to songs that had no business being this much of an absolute banger. One thing you don't remember but almost did was good old Donkey Kong using a double-barreled shotgun to air hold bees and beavers with hot lead. Welcome to Cannonball. If there's one thing Nintendo is known for outside of a heavy legal fist and a refusal to ever re-release old games for anything less than 60 bucks, it's their dedication to keeping their first-party games family-friendly. Especially in the olden days and even more so with their premier properties like Mr. Kong. They made sure their games were as toothless as Cranky Kong himself. Complicated adult stories, they leave that to the other guys. Donkey Kong is about as PG as it gets. Well, outside of whatever the hell is going on with Candy Kong.
What happens in the back room, Candy? What do those banana coins buy? I'd shower you with coconut cream pies. Okay, we simply have to move on.
This clip, of course, is from Donkey Kong 64, which is the game we're here to talk about. Made by Rareware, who was tasked with mashing up the success of their past DK titles with the 3D platforming success of Banjo-Kazooie. And the third dimension wasn't the only new thing they brought to the game, including Chunky, who was big.
Tiny, who was small. And Lanky, who was a cursed, horrible creature who should have been poisoned and left in a cold ditch to die. Why was everyone else just great and Lanky Kong sucks ass? That's the kind of face that would make God say, time for another flood.
Anyway, all five Kongs were also given a spread of new abilities used to interact with and traverse their new, non-flat world, including weapons, adorable, fruit-based weapons. No more evocative of the game, no more evocative of the horrors of war than a pie to the face, DK's coconut gun, Diddy's peanut pop guns. These are all more Animaniacs than American Sniper. But that's only thanks to a last-second, panicked pivot by Nintendo legend Shigeru Miyamoto. See, all the way into beta, when it came time to kit out Donkey and co, Rare had handed them, honest to God, cold steel. Donkey Kong was rocking a double-barreled shotgun that Doom Guy would approve of. And sweet Diddy, my sweet, cart-wheeling Diddy boy, he was unloading akimbo pistols like the long-lost monkey brother of the Boondock Saints. We can assume that if Donkey and Diddy were strapped, so were the rest of the Kongs. Chunky's pineapple cannon was presumably a bazooka, Tiny's feather bow just a regular crossbow, and Lanky's long-range grape shooter. Did Lanky Kong have a fucking sniper rifle? I ain't small, less small. According to DK64, Donkey Kong had a long-range grape shooter, According to DK64 creative director George Andreas, in an interview with GamesRadar, quote, Miyamoto-san, Iwata-san, and Howard Lincoln, chairman of Nintendo America at the time, came to our new studio.
I swung on some vines, collected bananas, and they were beginning to really smile. And then I pressed the button to pull out the gun. It wasn't a textured gun that you might expect, but a realistic shotgun with bullets flying out and with horrifying sound effects. That's a direct quote. Then George started lighting up beavers with the glee of a cabin-fievered French trapper to which Miyamoto reacted, well, about as well as you would if you saw your treasured child plot a shotgun and execute one of the cuter species of animal.
Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
Then he simply smiled, grabbed a piece of paper, drew a coconut gun, and handed it to Andreas. Basically his way of breaching the language barrier to say, please no gun murder in the colorful monkey game. With one quick sketch, we were saved from a jungle jape stained red with fresh beaver blood.
If only Miyamoto had visited before they released Conker's Bad Fur Day. Who knows how Donkey Kong might have evolved if Miyamoto hadn't wisely snipped out the introduction of modern armaments. It would have suggested all sorts of unpleasant accompanying canon, knowing that somewhere in the land of Kong there are apparently arms manufacturers. Does Funky Kong have that weird little plane in order to smuggle guns and ammunition across international borders? Now, to be fair, first of all, firearms and explosives do exist in Donkey Kong, but they're usually more fun and fitting with the Kremlin's pirate themes, like cannons and King K. Rool's trusty blunderbuss. But there's a difference between a cartoon gator packing black powder into the Elmer Fudd special and Diddy pulling two fresh mags of .45 ACP out of hammer space. Second of all, the Donkey Kong canon is already a mess, starting with the university-stabilizing existence of Diddy Kong's Nintendo-branded hat.
How much does he know? Why am I, a purportedly adult man, still thinking about things like this? Oh, it's okay, little buddy, I can't stay mad at you.
By the way, notice who's next to him? Yeah, that's Chunky Kong, in his first appearance since DK64. And you notice who's not next to him?
Blanky Kong, because this is a movie for children and not a horror movie about an ape so awful, looking at him makes you wish you were dead. Well, bye, everybody. He has no mouth, and he wants to scream.
Hey, thanks for watching Cannibal. Don't forget to like and subscribe.
fucking minecart can't jump for shit. |
dropout | other_donald_trumps_throughout_history_adam_ruins_everything | Old Orange Julius Caesar here. To a lot of us, he sure seems like something genuinely new in American politics. For one thing, he's made our political discourse far, far nastier. This is not going to be an election based on a nice person. We're tired of the nice people. You have this clown, Marco Rubio.
He's a pussy. Jeff is a lightweight. He doesn't sweat because his pores are clogged from the spray tan that he uses. Donald, you're a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone. I got to get this off my chest. Donald Trump is a jerk.
Oh, snap! Oh, he roasted him! Yo, it's Donald Trump, Moses, because this bush is on fire! Now, this name calling shocks us, right?
Because we have this idea that the election is supposed to be a serious, dignified affair. Why, the Founding Fathers, they were titans of etiquette. Gentlemen intellectuals who resolved the disputes, the reason debate, and delicate handshakes, right? Wrong. These guys were jerkbag politicians, just like the ones we have today. Case in point, Thomas Jefferson. Now, yeah, sure, he and John Adams, when they worked together on the Declaration of Independence, they were very cordial. But when they ran against each other in the election of 1800, the powdered wigs stayed on, but the gloves came off.
Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Callender to write the most vile things about Adams in the press. Callender wrote that, Adams has a hideous, hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman. Jesus Christ, that is some 1770 shade. Burn!
Jefferson had that written when he was John Adams' vice president. That's like if we found out that Biden was the guy photoshopping the Hitler Mustaches onto the Obama posters. So I'm sorry, Trump, you didn't invent it. Thomas Jefferson was the founding father of Talk and Smack. Okay, but how about this? Trump bragged about the size of his penis, right? Remember that?
Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands, if they're small, something else must be small.
I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee. Okay, first of all, no one with a big penis has ever had to say, I guarantee I have a big penis.
Other people spread the news for you. But this outraged us, right? We said surely no serious presidential candidate has ever done such a thing before? Actually, yes, they have.
Let's talk about our 36th president, Lyndon B. Johnson. Yes, his name was very appropriate. Johnson bragged about the size of his penis constantly. According to Robert Caro's biography, he nicknamed it Jumbo. And when a colleague would approach him in the Capitol bathroom, Johnson, finishing, would sometimes turn to him with his penis in his hands, shaking it as if showing off and say, Have you ever seen anything as big as this? Not since yesterday, Mr. President. Hey, you know what, Lyndon? Maybe you shouldn't talk about your penis so much when your chosen nickname sounds like the name of a Spanish-language porn star. LBJ.
Okay, okay, but Trump still treats people way worse than that, right? I mean, he bullied his way to the nomination through insult and humiliation. First he defeats his opponents, then he dominates them. I mean, have you seen what he did to poor Chris Christie? Oh, look at how sad he is. This is like the last shot of an episode of Mad Men. Executive Producer Matthew Weiner. Chris Christie is the sitting governor of a state, and Trump treats him like this.
I'm not eating Oreos anymore, you know that. But neither is Chris. You're not eating Oreos anymore. No more Oreos, for either of us, Chris.
Don't feel bad, for either. Oh, great. Now what's Chris Christie gonna eat while he's crying? Why doesn't he like me? I'll tell you what, now he eats hydrocks like a child of divorce. You get that cheap shit now.
But again, that is still nothing, compared to the way LBJ treated his staff. He would famously force staffers to conduct meetings with him while he was taking a dump. Just listen to Johnson staffer and famous historian Doris Kearns Goodwin telling her story. If you were in the bedroom holding back when he went into the bathroom, he would just call you in and say, Come on in, I haven't finished what I'm saying.
You get sort of used to this. Oh, God. I think the worst part is you get sort of used to this. |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_babies_snl | Today for a neighbor, would you be mine? Could you be mine? I spent the afternoon making a brand new friend for life. too bad that I was making it with the landlord wife. It's nice to be out with a friend who won't tell what we've been doing in local motels. Will you be mine? I'm glad she is my neighbor.
Hello, boys and girls. Look, this is a present I found on my doorstep today. it was left here by an old friend of mine named Juanita. we had a real special friendship. you know, friends like to give each other things. I gained something to Juanita one night. eight times one night, boy. And now Juanita has given me something. Let's see what it is. it weighs about seven pounds. and it smells like rotten milk. And it snores, boys and girls. Ooh, it has been a long time since I seen Juanita. about nine months. here's the riddle, boys and girls. what's black and Puerto Rican and has my eyes? it's today's new word. heard in a sentence? have drivers, Ken. you know where babies come from, boys and girls.
I'll tell you, when a man loves a woman very much, they lay down and the man gives the woman $20. sometimes they lay down in the back seat of a Buick. sometimes mommies and daddies can't have a baby, so they use an adoption agency. But if a mom is an alcoholic and a daddy don't have no job, they use another place. Can you say black market, boys and girls? Hello, Ratso? what's the going rate on newborn males? Yeah. Well, he's not exactly white. he's kind of an off-white. How much? ooh, $1,000? Gee, babies really are a bundle of joy, aren't they, boys and girls?
Robin, son, you home wrecker! open up! Why, it's our old friend, Mr. Landlord. I didn't tell him about it. you tramp! And he's with my new friend, Mrs. Landlord. you know, one thing about babies, boys and girls, is sometimes you have to take them for a little stroll, like in another state. tomorrow, tomorrow, I sell this brat tomorrow for a cool One brand. Goodbye, Boys and Girls. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_La_La_Land | It's pretty strange that we keep running into each other. It is strange. Maybe it means something.
I doubt it. Yeah, I don't think so.
Where's my car?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at La La Land, a romantic comedy-drama starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone that only became a musical after the first cut of the film, one devoid of any songs to accompany the lavish dance sequences, received middling reviews from test audiences and had to be revised. Set in Los Angeles, La La Land tells the story of struggling jazz pianist Sebastian, and aspiring actress Mia.
Their love affair, amidst the trials of making it in Hollywood, features dazzling choreography that truly spreads its wings thanks to writer-director Damien Chazelle's decision, in a flash of inspiration, to replace the total silence of earlier cuts with music. As a result of Chazelle's stunning aha moment, instead of a lively but forgettable romp, we have a cinematic treasure. Let's look at the iconic planetarium scene, in which Sebastian and Mia literally float up to the top of the Griffith Observatory to waltz among the stars. Here it is in the first version of the film. It has its charms, no doubt, but here is that exact same scene set to the lush orchestral ballad Planetarium, composed by Justin Horowitz. Amazingly, one last-minute change truly makes all the difference. Or take, for example, the original cut of the tap duet that transpires between Sebastian and Mia as they stroll to their cars at sunset. Here it is with the breezy big band arrangement, A Lovely Night. And it's not just the dancing that benefited from a soundtrack, it's the musical performances as well. The fact that they're playing actual music transforms a bland, run-of-the-mill scene into something truly unforgettable.
With the help of this one eureka decision by the filmmakers, La La Land has netted 14 well-deserved Oscar nominations, including two for Best Original Song. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for films like Manchester by the Sea, which attempted to replicate La La Land's success to far less captivating effect. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_gotta_mop_these_floors_ | Oh I'll never make varsity if I keep breaking shots like this. Come on, Kyler. It just takes practice Keep going If I don't make the team my girlfriend's gonna ground me and I can't take my dad to prom You're not bending your elbows enough Huh? You gotta get your feet right And then follow through Whoa, did you play for your varsity team a Little more than varsity for college Not just college were you pro You ever heard of a little team called the Chicago Bulls Oh my god, well I played for the Cincinnati staplers What yeah, they used to call me Wally is that your name Nope, I need a whole wallet before every game a wallet You need a wallet. Yep before every quarter. I thought you said every game. Oh Yeah, I need a quarter every game That's why they called me Nichols What's that it's crack Give me another ball Crack fuck give me another ball. No, I'm gonna do all this crack if you don't give me another ball.
Okay, Jesus too late stop You know the real secrets in the footwork. That's how I won the Piston Cup. That's from cars. I Don't know who that is Cachao You even work here Where is here? Exactly.
I thought he was a janitor. Is he a mop? I thought this was a staff.
Yeah, the sparrows and shit spells Hey son, what's the deal? I called you twice. Oh, sorry dad. We were just talking to Wait, but where did he he's right there Who is that magic missus?
Oh My god, Wally Nichols point guard for the Cincinnati squirt guns. What is this in any squirt guns?
I had your poster on my wall when I was a kid here take my wallet dad Don't he's just gonna spend it on crack. Don't be silly son. I just want to watch him eat it actually I'm not really hungry I'm gonna buy crack see You Know what son? I don't even care about varsity. You can take me to prom. Wait, really trick shot. Oh Shit just give me the ball. I'm gonna do all this crack Good job Crack this up. Well, that's the last time I could do that |
cracked | 5_things_the_worst_people_in_the_world_love_doing_in_public | Okay, look, there are over seven billion people on Earth, and all of us, with the exception of some sea captains and all of the short straw citizens of North Dakota, are crammed together into the relatively tiny area of inhabitable space on this ball. And it's crowded, and it's uncomfortable, and it's very, very easy to just be in the way. Thankfully, there are built-in tacit rules for crowded public spaces to ensure everything keeps running smoothly and to keep us from clumsily interjecting ourselves into one another's lives.
But here's the thing, you're f**king it up. You haven't paid attention, and now you're an obstacle to everyone around you. The rules can't be tested anymore, because apparently, if they aren't said explicitly, no one pays attention. So going forward, when you are driving, or walking, or just waiting in public, please consider these, at the very least, the five basic rules of etiquette. And if at any point you find yourself thinking, what's this guy's problem? I've never been annoyed by any of this stuff. Let me be perfectly clear. You are the problem.
Number one, if you're waiting in line, have a plane when you get to the front of that line. Whether you're waiting to order food, or to exit a parking structure, or to just get a seat on a plane, have a goddamn strategy in mind. Because when it's your turn, everyone is counting on you. They are rooting for you to get it right. Know what you want to eat. Know where your ticket is. Know which bag is going in the overhead and which one is going under your feet.
Because if you get to the front and you are immediately bewildered by all of a sudden accountability thrust on you, then you have actively contributed to suffering in the world. Also, different places have different lines. If you're in a hometown buffet, feel free to get right up in the ass of the person in front of you scooping chocolate pudding into their soup. But if you're in a drug store, or a bank, or a bookstore, there's a built-in buffer of at least five feet between the person doing their business and the rest of the line. They are not waiting for some other bullshit that does not pertain to you. Don't jump in front. This buffer exists because no one is psyched about sharing the particulars of their trip to the pharmacy or bank with another person.
And if you're wondering how bookstores got grandfathered into this grand tradition, great question. Please, write it down on a piece of paper and keep it in your pocket. Keep it forever. Number two.
If you're walking in a crowd, stop stopping, stop it, stop stopping. Be aware of the fact that people are walking around you and behind you, and they have assumed that you too have selected this mode of transportation to get somewhere. When you stop in your tracks to look at your phone or to talk to someone or to just have a little think, you have created a wake of inconvenience behind you. You don't even realize it, but there are people hunched and contorting their entire bodies over your motionless body trying not to touch a goddamn stranger torso first. Which leads us to rule number three.
Don't touch strangers. Don't touch them. Don't touch their clothes. Don't touch their shit. Don't touch their babies. Don't touch their bellies when you think there might be babies in those bellies. Nobody touch each other. Being touched by a stranger can ruin your entire day.
Obviously kisses on the neck don't count. Number four.
Respect blind left corners. When you are walking around a left corner, you're not shaving off time by short-cutting your angle of approach and hugging the corner, Nicki Lauda. You're turning yourself into a fucking liability for anyone coming the other direction. See, all pedestrians, whether we realize it or not, pedestrian like we're piloting human-shaped cars. Our natural inclination is to walk on the right side of a hallway or a sidewalk while people coming the other direction walk on our left. When you approach the left corner, it's your obligation to give it a wide berth to avoid collision, and more importantly, to keep society from collapsing into pure anarchy. And before any of you complain, yes. If you live in Great Britain or one of the many other countries where everyone drives on the opposite side of the road, then obviously you switch.
Yeah. Soccer's called football there. Americans are fat. Fucking Marmite. Let it go. And finally, number five. Don't throw stuff out your car window. Come on.
What are you doing? Cigarettes? Fast food remnants? What's that?
Clumps of hair? Clumps of human hair? Stop throwing hair out your window.
It's for birds to make a nest. If you really believe that, then save all of it, make a pile of it outside your front door, and leave it there. You won't, because that's fucking gross. So instead, it's tangled around my windshield wipers. Also, the birds are fine.
They don't need your help. That's just a cheap excuse to go on believing that the portion of the world behind you ceases to exist after you travel through it. And it doesn't. It's still there, and it's alive and rich with people who hate you.
If we can all just agree to follow these very simple rules, it won't change the world. But I think it will make it just a little bit more tolerable. Which I think is a pretty good goal. If we could just...
What is it? Why are you barefoot? Is he barefoot? Why are you... Why don't you have any shoes on? It helps your gait?
Oh no. Fuck. Fuck this. I'm... I'm done. No. You're on your own. I'm sorry. This is stupid.
Thanks for watching whatever that was. Hope you liked it. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility. And in the comments, if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from Cracked and we'll make a playlist for you. I'm sorry, though. |
dropout | zordon_is_a_racist | Teenagers with attitude, I have summoned you here to battle a great evil, but be not afraid, I see great potential in all of you. Will, within you I see great strength and durability, for that I endow you with the power of the mighty Mastodon. I won't let you down, Zordon. Jen, your cat-like agility can be attributed to your spirit animal, the saber-toothed tiger. You are the Yellow Ranger. I can do it, Zordon. And I'm sure your knowledge of mathematics will prove invaluable. Actually, I'm not very good at- Moving on, Edward. There are many reasons why I believe you embody the spirit of the Red Ranger. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think I see what you're doing.
I'm Native American. Yes? So, Native American. Red. Maybe the Black Ranger because I'm black? No, no. No, I made you the Black Ranger because of your spirit animal. What about me? I'm Jewish, so let me guess.
I'm green because that's the color of money? No! You're green because you have the power to summon the Great Dragonzord. I couldn't believe that.
What about Victor? What color are you going to make him? Wow. Really? Oh, well, Victor is- Victor's going to be the other Black Ranger. What? Okay, Zordon, Zordon. Okay, so there are going to be two Black Rangers and two White Rangers? No. Kyle's the White Ranger because he's the leader, and you're the Pink Ranger because you're a girl. I mean, something, something, pterodactyl.
Am I really the most qualified person to be leader? I mean, Vicki was student council president? Yeah. I didn't think she could do it. A girl leader?
That's rich. Sorry, honey. I don't think Lord Zedd is going to be scared off by her period. You've got to be kidding me. Whoa.
Listen, everybody's settled down. White is the leader.
If Kyle was pink, that would be totally gay. Excuse me, and what exactly would be wrong with that? A gay Jew? Jesus Christ.
Ah, James, I'm beginning to sense great, I don't know, fear in you, and you might turn to the dark side. The dark side?
Where'd you read that? So I'm thinking you're out, and so is other Black guys. Oh, whoa. Where'd we go? What'd you do with something?
Oh my God. Now we're too short. No, we're not, because this was my plan all along, because I see great power emanating from Jorge. Gay? Jorge, it's power sombrero. Oh, God. I mean, come on. That's not even a ranger suit. Now, this is ridiculous.
I'm out of here. Let's go, guys. Guys, where are you going? Nobody has the power to defy the great will. Better not steal anything on your way out. I'm from Connecticut. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_first_amazon_union_formed_jen_psaki_to_leave_white_house_snl | Current Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join Msnbc. damn, she's still at work and already has her next job lined up. that's as crazy as some of the sketches on season two of that Damn Michael Che. This summer on Hbo Max. workers at the Amazon Warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. yeah, the union explains Amazon's new slogan, it'd be a real shame if something happened to your package. According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. on the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. the conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they'll spend $100 million to create children's programming to counter woke media companies. programs will include Clifford, the big straight dog in Kanto, but in English. and one fish, Two fish, that's how many fish genders there are.
Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo 17 years ago has been spotted in Texas. Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos. Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500-pound black bear living on a college campus. a black bear that, let's face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian parents.
In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Madea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex dry as hell. a new study shows that in the past 20 years, pre-diabetes in children has more than doubled, thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Tuesday_24rd_March | Hello and welcome to the Petuda Advocates Daily News Bulletin. My name is Wendell Hussey and I've got all the latest in local, national and international news from the last 24 hours. If you didn't catch us yesterday as a result of the COVID-19 crisis we'll be broadcasting a news wrap at the end of every working day on Desert Rock FM and all good podcast networks, so make sure you tune in. As offices shut down in a desire to help stop the spread of the coronavirus, we'll be recording from the Budgie Smuggler bedroom rather than the Budgie Smuggler booth down in Desert Rock FM studios for a little while.
First up today and the nation has thanked Bondi for ruining everything. A bit of a follow up story from yesterday and as it all starts to sink in the rest of the country is today reiterating its gratitude towards the bubble of Bondi for forcing the Prime Minister's hand on these social distancing restrictions. This comes after more and more people come to terms with the fact that they are now out of work for the foreseeable future as a raft of industries have to close under the new regulations. One local job seeker said to us today, Thanks Bondi for thinking you were above the social distancing guidelines because you have more money than most. You've achieved a great outcome for the rest of the nation. Moving on to some other national news now and the government has demanded citizens stay at home as soon as they've finished lining up for Centrelink for hours. As nearly a million people attempt to work through losing their job, for the second day in a row, unemployed Australians have gathered in large numbers that definitely violate social distancing protocols outside the nation's Centrelink offices. The government have since admitted that they weren't prepared for the influx of unemployed Australians who've been let go from jobs at businesses the government shut down and they've also made it clear that anyone who was not previously on social security payments must visit an actual Centrelink agency in town to register as unemployed. This also follows persistent crashes of the government's MyGov website and the incredibly long waiting times for the extremely understaffed call centres as people violate the social distancing guidelines in an effort to ensure that they can pay for a roof over their head and put food on the table. Alright some more national news now and report?
Well surely that's the end of these fucking cruise ships then. This comes after it was revealed that the tax evading Ruby Princess cruise ship which docked in Sydney last Thursday had dozens of undiagnosed coronavirus cases on board. For some reason, even after the government had shut down indoor events of over 100 people and outdoor events of over 500 people, on Thursday almost 2,700 passengers, coughing and spluttering, were allowed to disembark the ship at Sydney Harbour, catching trains, buses and even overseas flights to get home. Since the Ruby Princess docked at Circular Quay five days ago, over 50 people who have tested positive have now been traced back to the cruise, making it the single biggest source of infections in Australia.
That's led the nation to ask, surely there's no reason for them to continue existing after this lockdown? Only time will tell. Now just quickly before we move on to our next story, a note from the editor at large, Errol Parker, on the good people keeping us afloat right now. Hello there, Errol Parker here and I hope you are keeping well in these trying times.
As the sporting world goes to shit and competitions around the country and the world go on hiatus, the semi-professional Batutah Bulls are looking to supplement their very meagre incomes by selling some of their iconic merchandise. They've teamed up with their sponsors and our sponsors to release some authentic Batutah Bulls budgie smugglers which will be hitting the internet this afternoon. So if you're looking for some kit for when this so-called coronavirus is finally dealt with or just some comfortable work-from-home attire, check them out today. Head to budgysmungler.com.au and search for Batutah or head to the link in the show notes for more. Once again, stay safe and stay at home. And sports news now?
No, no, no, no, no, says Gus Gould.
That profound statement from the rugby league icon followed the devastating news that the NRL has suspended the 2020 season, conveniently around the same time they closed all the pubs. The Darling League of the country had desperately fought for its continuation as it explored every possible avenue for survival with very real fears that the competition could fold after spending their entire rainy day war chest on things like fireworks and Macklemore. However they've had to call a stop to it so it will remain to be seen whether there is a league next year and if there is, who's still in it. But despite that awful news, there was a bit of a rainbow for some rugby league fans with Parramatta declared the technical 2020 season champions after finishing round two on top of the table.
Some nice news for your supporters there and Peter Stirling was reportedly spotted walking around today in Jack Gibson's famous fur coat to celebrate the breaking of the drought. So lap that up, Blue and Gold fans. Now that's all for today from the Batutah-Aviketten Desert Rock FM. Thanks for tuning in, stay safe, stay at home, wash your hands, look after each other and we'll talk to you again tomorrow. |
dropout | batman_has_a_drinking_problem | That nefarious nave's left us a riddle.
In a place filled with green, I will cause a scene. Batman! Green! Money's green!
Do you think? Slow down there, chum. With a riddle or nothing's that simple.
Green is often associated with the Irish. And what's the most Irish place in town?
I'm not sure. Precisely! O'Malley's Irish pub on Second Avenue! Cracking work, Batman! There's no time to lose. To the bar, Robin! There's no sign of the Riddler anywhere, Batman. Should we check the bank? What? No! Who's too smart for that? Also, I just opened a tab. Yo! Barkeep! The Riddler never struck. Trust me, we're at O'Malley's all night. Damn!
And they robbed the Gotham Savings and Loan instead. He also left us another riddle. Fill in the blank, Batbrain.
In local politics, he's a major player. Tonight, I will kidnap... The mayor! He's gonna kidnap Mayor Nolan! Nice try, chum, but Nolan doesn't rhyme with player.
Think.
Of course! It's Monday night! Randy O'Thayer! Bar tens at O'Malley's pub!
We must warn him. At work. You really think that's what... No time for debate, chum. Three dollar domestic drafts and precisely at eight.
Why is Joker always the fun one? I'm fun! I'm fun, see?
My parents will be shot. Batman, where have you been? The mayor's been missing all morning. Not so loud. God, I was out fighting crime till four AM. You found the Riddler?
The night's kind of a blur. He must have used some kind of memory powder or whatever. Smells like gin.
What's the next riddle? I think you've had enough riddles, Batman. I know what I've had enough! Your attempts at my riddles have been half-hearted. Not sure if you're lazy or just retarded.
I'm going to rob the bank. Got it? The bank? Okay, yeah, fine. I get it. We'll be at the bank.
We care a lot! On the swing!
Isn't that so crazy? Crazy!
I got him! You saved the bank? No, he blew up a bank, also a church, but his escape route went right past O'Malley's pub.
Golly, it's lucky we're there at 9.30 AM on a Tuesday. Yes. Lucky. Let's go, Green Bean. As for Two-Face, his hideout is either the Twin Falls Motel or the old giant coin warehouse. Hold on, Chum. If we triangulate these two points on the map with my bat marker... We've got a winner.
The panty pantry? What? No. Really? Are you sure? Yeah.
Well, then there isn't time to lose. To the strip club robin! |
dropout | hardly_working_learon_in_america | Laron in America This, this, this Okay, Cleveland, you rolling? We're rolling. Cleveland, ready? And, auction. Alright, so what are you hoping to learn, I guess, from us and for your blog? It's for music, it's for like, edge, and it's for like, you know, how, in America, like, how intense, you know, cause for friendship, it's like, very intense. Yo, what's up bro? What'd you get for Christmas last year? Haha, that's pretty cool, because I got pretty much everything I asked for, a projector screen, two white cars, ten horses, ten houses, five windows made of steak playing glass, which is not just any ordinary glass, steak playing glass. We're actually gonna have to change the meeting, we're actually going to have to change the meeting to my place, because I have a waterfall that you should...
Do you need something?
Because, because, because the wonderful witch she was. Well, originally, I was born in, in Japan, but I grew up in, a little bit in regional Tulsa, Oklahoma, and also a little bit in triple West Africa, and some in Czechoslovakia now. I'm sorry, triple West Africa?
I don't know what to tell you, I just, I can't... No, I don't know what to tell you, because here I am now, okay?
Excuse me, quick question, I'm about to have my lunch, and I just wanted to know, can you guys have a pepper sauce that I could put on my sandwich? No, no pepper sauce, because usually I use something called the galasnias, which is something that's, no? Because I'm getting a lot of blank stares right now, you getting this? Maybe, we were just talking about... Because maybe I could inconvenience you, if you started a blog, and you didn't want anyone to give, I didn't want for the sauce for your lunch.
This is my story collection, it's like one of the most expensive things I own. It's each about, like, um, four million dollars. I also got, like, 30 pairs of red jeans, these are actually, um, Carano brands. Carano brandies probably one of, like, the most important brands, because they give money for AIDS.
There's one little, I'm so sorry, bud, there's, like, just one little, like... Do you want me to, I can get something? Hold on, excuse me, it's just one more moment, and then... Everything's cool, and I think we're gonna do really well here. Okay. This. I don't, I don't know what you're saying, I feel like you're talking about me, though, because the way you inflected it... No, no, no, no, no, no. You're looking at me, and... Cooling my advantage, Streeter Seidel. Now I know it. |
TheOnion | Press_Secretary_s_Zumtrel_Flooby_Answer_Attempt_To_Evade_Question | After that, the president met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to discuss the upcoming Medicare reform bill, which as you know is going to be voted on next month. I'll take questions now. Can we count on the president's support in the Medicare reform bill, considering that it's going to de-emphasize the involvement of the private sector?
Right. Well, Gregory, I think the president's clarified his position on human health, and it's been issued at more than one juncture. He's got a robust grievance with the opposition, but he is staring through a real fine prism, so he's got that in his mind first. Has the president made a statement as to whether he will attempt diplomacy in the recent dispute between China and Japan over exploration rights? That's a good question, Michael, but let me just say, first of all, that it's really a 60-40, that that sector is going to get any taps within the next tri-day. Because as you know, to the president, diplomacy is a lightning rod with a branch on the interior side. Well, you told us the president had a statement. Right. Well, what I said was it's in the ballpark, but it's a bit of a turf ball.
Secretary of State, look, she has a lot on her table. It's a very loaded table. She meets with the president every day.
They've got a lot to say, and it's right at the cusp of their throats. But it still remains A-1 through that sector, though. So will there be a statement? Michael, I think I made myself pretty clear here. I feel like maybe I need a new table in my sector right about now. Guys, we've got a lot of hands here, so let's keep this moving. Next question. This is somewhat related to the last question regarding the medical reform bill. Look, Catherine, Catherine, let me lay this out for all of you here. OK, I'm going to do it as simply as I can. Today's tri-day is tomorrow's bi-day.
And the president can't just finagle a cabridal scopulator without a grape wood straw. You know, as I used to say down on the farm, it's Bagnum rail drink, scooped with your own hand out of the bottom of a Lakewood pond tree. So he's really straddling both sides of the horse person's hoof.
OK? Next question. Can you clarify the president's stance on the carbon emissions neutrality proposition before Congress today? Well, the president's got a scriptical cavernary, but here's the crunch. Yugler later cordoned of a sourbait, crumular roost stripe corbin, or strail safe ergon. It's really either one, Tony. So what exactly is the president's position? Well, Tony, bile seltzering up your cavernary isn't going to really cordon now, is it? All right, folks.
Scrapely, scriptically, and scrappily. Scrappily. |
TheOnion | beyonce_unhurt_after_stray_bullet_hits_passerby | A tragedy averted today in Hollywood. Chart-topping singer and Dreamgirls star Beyonce Knowles was walking down this stretch of sidewalk in Los Angeles yesterday when a stray shot from a nearby confrontation ricocheted down the block. Beyonce would almost certainly have been struck in the arm or shoulder, but as luck would have it, a passerby was moving at just the right speed to intercept the bullet in its head. EMT Alicia Cutoni responded to the 911 call. Beyonce suffered a bruise to her left thigh due to the fact that the passerby actually collapsed on her. We are monitoring the bruise.
The would-be assassin fled the scene. Police say a low-level search is underway. If apprehended, he could face a fine of up to $500 for endangering a celebrity.
It wasn't just Beyonce who was saved by the passerby today. It was all of us. It was everyone who loves great dance tunes and soulful R&B. Beyonce is so talented. Following the incident, Beyonce was rushed to a wellness spa. Beyonce is fine. Although some people initially said they saw blood on her, thankfully it was not her own. What a terrible ordeal for such a classy lady to endure, but thankfully all of her fans are praying for her tonight. Coming up as we continue, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, doctors claim a woman's face transplant was a success. |
SaturdayNightLive | aa_meeting_snl | And that's when I looked in the mirror and I didn't even see myself anymore. I saw a guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze, but I'm grateful for 90 days with no drink. Thank you so much, Spencer.
All right, who else would like to share? Now, Jesse, how about you? you've been coming for a while and you've never shared with the group? Well, here's something I've been thinking about for a while. Please, you can tell this group anything. Okay, here goes.
I have the perfect idea for a Pixar movie. What's that? a concept. for a touching computer-animated film, it's about lost luggage trying to find its way home.
All right, well, let's just stay on the topic of recovery. does anyone else wanna share?
Yeah, and the zippers are their mouths. I actually mocked up some artwork.
So this guy's the main character. he's like a regular everyday suitcase. And then you got the briefcase guy. He's a little uptight, but he's funny. that's Jason Bateman.
I literally wrote that in a google doc. Oh, oh, oh, and there's a Jim Back. don't tell me his name is Jim. it literally is.
Oh, and maybe there could be like a lady suitcase who's got like, I don't know, boobs. what would that even look like? Oh, well, I did mock up some artwork just now, but I said it.
Oh, and maybe there's a minion type character, like a neck pillow that goes like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. you're in the movie. Whoa. can I be in the movie?
No, but get this. there's, there's this other bag, right? Pierre. he's like a fancy French bag. stickers from all over the world, acts all cultured, like he's better than them. I hate that bag. right, But listen, halfway through, this bag gives an emotional speech where he opens up, kind of like us right now. I drank recently, by the way. it goes, sure, I've been to Paris, Milan, Tokyo, but I've only ever been to the airports and the hotels. I've never really seen these places, but then as the credits roll, we see polaroids from all these famous landmarks. the bags took Pierre to finally see the world. I love that bag, man. what about the song?
What, what? all these movies have some kind of big song, some they can sing at the oscars. she's right. but what would it sound like? I don't know. maybe something like. when you lost your way and you're far from home, take faith in new friends, cause you're not alone. And pack yourself with love. everybody's gotta. pack yourself with love. a suitcase with boobs. your wheel may be broke, but you can't give up. you gotta pack yourself with love. Oh, I guess the last question is, who's gonna play the main suitcase? our Everyman, our Woody. who's who, huh? I'm Tom H. I'm here just to research a role and also I may be an alcoholic. Yo, Tom, if you were a suitcase, what would your catchphrase be? huh, suitcase? Well, I guess it'd be something like, that really snags my zippers. You got it. you're gonna sell with love. you're gonna sell with Love. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Blockbuster_Knockoffs | Today we're going to be talking about blockbuster knockoffs. What is a blockbuster knockoff?
It's when this leads to this. This must be like what they drink on their own planet. I'm guessing that you guys recognized the first clip. It's from a film called E.T. by a filmmaker named Steven Spielberg. You perhaps did not recognize the second clip.
It was from 1980's It's Mac and Me, which was perhaps inspired by E.T. It was a magical space alien known as MAC, and that stands for Mysterious Alien Creature. It's a case in how E.T. was sort of like so ugly he was cute, and MAC is just... He looks like an aborted fetus. And in that clip, a family of aliens were brought back to life via the magical power of Coca-Cola. Hey Mac. She's gonna be okay, Mac.
Seriously, like that is an actual plot point. So it's kind of like with E.T., you know, you had a movie that had some product placement in it, but this is more like a movie that is product placement. This is product placement, the movie.
He took my Coke, Mom. Here, see if he likes this. It's McDonald's, huh? Yeah. Why don't you shop by for a Big Mac? There's literally a ten minute long dance scene in a McDonald's.
So I like to think that all of the able-bodied people are dancing to Mac, the wheelchair-bound protagonist. And the great thing about the wheelchair-bound protagonist is he actually was a wheelchair-bound child. And I'm like, oh, that's good, you know, congratulations, you know, more empowerment for the disabled. The kid's fucking terrible.
Something was just in my bedroom. It jumped over my head.
Paddling never appeared in anything ever again, and I'm very, very happy about that. So Mac and Me was hardly the first film to rip off a popular film that came before him.
But there was, you know, one person who was really good at it was Roger Corman. And director Roger Corman.
Time for action. But he was really good at ripping things off. Or at least paying homage. Jaws inspired Piranha. What about the goddamn Piranhas? They're eating the guests. Star Wars led to Battle Beyond the Stars. Does your species have kissing? Oh, yes.
Gremlins inspired a movie called Munchies, which hopefully you've never seen. The Munchies are here!
And in 1993 there was one of his most audacious things, which was to release a blockbuster knockoff two weeks before the blockbuster it was knocking off came out. And that was Carnosaur, which was a kind of a Jurassic Park-inspired film. It was actually adapted from a novel. It was a novel by Schmeichel Reiten.
Yeah, but one thing Carnosaur does, it's kind of a textbook for cheap horror movie technique, which is, you know, using lots of point of view shots from the perspective of the monster. Keeping the camera action really fast. Never really showing the creature too closely, you know. Greetings, green brother. When you do see the complete monster, it's pretty obviously a puppet on a miniature set. But Carnosaur compensates for it with booming sound effects that make it sound like the giantest beast that ever walked the Earth. It came out two weeks before Jurassic Park, and not only that, it starred Laura Dern's mom, Diane Ladd, a longtime Roger Corman player.
This is exactly what we have been trying to avoid. So both of the examples you guys have showed were the very beginnings of the home video age. But this phenomenon of knocking off blockbusters has continued perhaps even more audaciously through this company called The Asylum. The titles and the packaging are so incredibly close to the movies that are knocking off. It started in 2005 when Spielberg did his War of the Worlds remake. And The Asylum did War of the Worlds. They've also done The Da Vinci Code became The Da Vinci Treasure.
Snakes on a Plane became Snakes on a Train. And if you enjoy The Day the Earth Stood Still, you would like The Day the Earth Stopped. Directed by noted auteur C. Thomas Howell. In my mind I don't know if it's Snakes on a Train or Snakes on a Plane now.
Is it the 40-year-old version or the 18-year-old version? I'm confused!
The one that got them the most attention was Transmorphers and its sequel, Transmorphers Fall of Man, which tied into Transformers Rise of the Fallen. This movie owes much more to Terminator and The Matrix because it's set in this dystopian future where the machines have risen over us. The budget was reportedly $300,000 and you just wonder where a lot of that money went. According to IMDb they used some of the sets that were left over from Serenity and Firefly.
And possibly the costumes. I found some food that was left over because I'd eat that. For more Blockbuster Knockouts, check out avclub.com. Yeah, and Firefly. And possibly the costumes. I found some food that was left over because I'd eat that. For more Blockbuster Knockouts, check out avclub.com. |
cracked | mortal_kombat_x_cracked_plays | Well, what I'm asking is if the last one was a reboot, and yet this is Mortal Kombat 10. Right, right, right. The last one was... No, there has been nine in between the last one. There have been ten total. Okay. Ten total in the official line of the game.
So they have no idea how to title things. There were like some side games, like they made Shaolin Monks, which was like a beat them up, and then Special Forces, which was another beat them up, but not like a fighting game. Those are like action adventure games. Oh, and the Mortal Kombat Mythologies role-playing game.
Sure, sure. Did you bring that? I didn't. I should have.
I'm looking at these options like they make any sense to me. That seems fine. Right, right, right. Random, right?
He's going with Sub-Zero. He looks like he took whatever Super Shredder took. He's like Super Shredder.
It's funny, is it one of the games in Deception, which was like seven, I think, when you found that seven? Or six? Are you... is this the character that you've been practicing and know how to do?
Shit. Okay. Um...
Is X punch? X is kick. Shit. Is circle punch? Circle is also kick. Goddamn it. You're going to want to... square and triangle your punches. X and circle are your kicks, R2 is block, and...
Watch this, watch this, watch this. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
No, I don't... I just threw an old woman at you. Do that again. Do it again. No. Do it again. I can't.
She's dead. Look, she's dead.
You only get one old lady. She tried to get up and she died. You only get one old lady? You only get one old lady.
I threw... You can also jump off this cat. Cat gets kind of pissed.
I think I'm going to stick with Sub-Zero the whole time so I can learn him. That's fine. I'm going to...
Yeah, now we're in it. Now we're in it.
How do you run? You double tap forward. Looks like you don't.
Aw. Oh.
Man, this is... I need to...
I need to do, like, one move at some point. I have done no moves. Is special move still L2 and R2?
Yes. When your meter's full, which it is. And there you go.
Oh! Hey! What is that? Oh!
I won. Did you turn your stomach into an icicle? I turned your stomach into an icicle and I stabbed her in the eye with it.
Oh wait. I pulled a move. I think it's like, if I do, like, box, box, triangle, box, I do something. I am. Trip off the cat. Now let me try. Down X, circle up, down. Circle box, down. I'm dead. Okay. Here we go. Oh no. Yeah man, this is counterproductive. He's crawling away. Oh man.
So what is she, a zombie? She's just like a monster. You're eating me. It's like a goblin.
Yeah. I am. How does that make you feel? Basically all of Scorpion's variations are just, like, hair metal bands. Wow, yeah. They're all, like, Iron Maiden songs. I think you got a hit. Oh, sorry.
Random select. There we go. Oh, so we both pick and then it.
Oh, looks like we won't be seeing you at the crossroads. Nobody?
It's just, you know, too much sun. She's got extra teeth. It's like more teeth than can fit in her head. So they're like, she moved some to the outside.
Oh, I can jump off this. I can throw a monk at you. Oh nice. Okay. Monks make the best projectiles.
This dude, like, oh, he was just trying to mind his own damn business. But nope. Not today, sir.
Well, you know, they should really get out of the fire. Yeah, right? Number one, there's a pretty bad stone. Like, they're keeping all those candles lit somehow. And they're out in the stone. And then there's just two freaks just going at it. Right? There's like a couple of things here. Like, they're really sticking to whatever is going on in that pot. Because there are at least two reasons they should be inside right now.
You can't do the move I'm trying to do. Goddamn it. Teleport. There we go. Oh, you blocked it. Right. The bone hands, man. Ooh.
I asked for that.
Oh. What's going on? I don't know. Who even knows? Oh. Oh, yeah.
You're holding your own. You look like you could win right now.
It's awful. No, it's not.
Mm. Mm, mm, mm.
Damn it. Okay. Ah, dang. Too late. Aww. I knifed you. That's right. Look at his face. Oh, dude.
Doesn't she used to have a... Wasn't it like a whole demon face before? They've toned it down a bit, yeah. Yeah. I guess they got... Maybe they just felt sorry for her.
Hey, I'm going to be a Raiden. Because you know why?
You should never give up hope. Never give up hope.
David edited that scene from the movie this moment so that people know... People know what the hell we're talking about. Yeah. Otherwise, we're like, you all know that?
You weren't here with everybody. No. No, no one.
That's like moral combat and not... Luckily, everyone watching this video just watched moral combat and annihilation.
Right. Good. No fear. You're going to let me fall down. No. It's got to stay up.
Oh, he's pissed. No, I'm angry now, so... Is he as angry as that statue? Because unless you're... Until you get as angry as that statue, you will never... No one is as angry as that statue.
Yeah, that's the only way you'll ever win. Well, it's just because his hands are on fire. You'd be in game too. Yeah, probably. You say that like I've never had my hands on fire.
Oh, man. Oh, no. I was just about to do my special, but you got me. Oh, you'll never sing again. Yeah, I'm quite dead. Oh, you knocked my hat off, though. I did. Nice. That's pretty brutal.
My hat, no. What have we got here? Um... Dark Fan Tassy. Uh, what is this?
Left. Down left, right, left, triangle. Biggest fan.
There we go. That was a good one. Oh, no. Nice. Nice. Yes. That was flat. That was cute. All right, David.
How does this game work? Um, just hit buttons. It doesn't matter. Nothing you do matters. Oh, what is that?
Look at this pirate cove. There's dudes coming out. Yeah, you can grab the dudes. I love that we're at a pirate cove because it's the last place these two guys would be. Right, like why the hell would these two guys be anywhere near a pirate cove? Ow, you hit me with a dude.
I'm amazed that that rock looks so much like a skull because that means it either naturally formed to look exactly like a skull. Or it's like the Mount Rushmore of skulls. Some pirates went out there and they were like, this almost looks like a skull.
Let's just get it. Let's just hang out here with chisels for a few weeks and get it.
Look at how... All right, I want you all to appreciate. Look at how fucking metal that ship is. See that ship? Yeah. Look at that thing. That is awesome. Chains and wings.
Oh, pizza. Oh, some pizza.
Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Metal is shit.
Hey, I won. Did I win? He did. You're all set. Have a good one. Cheers. Thanks. How did I win?
Because I was trying to show you guys the cool shit. Oh. And you kept hitting me like a jerk. Hey! You want some pizza, man? Oh, no. It's got my name on it. All right. Uh... I can use some pizza.
The vegetarian or the meat? Meat.
Oh, I'm just standing here like a jackass. Oh. Oh, yeah.
Everyone has a black hole. Oh, the vegetarian is like a burger.
I'm talking to you, Scott, our sound guy. There's only three of us here. What are you talking about? This is like the... What do you have there? I don't know.
Stop doing that. Stop that.
No.
I got this thing. I didn't bring this thing all the way to this pirate code to not hit you with it. There you go, David. Thank you. I'm going to hit you with this thing. It's not a big battle. I'm good right now. Thanks.
I have to defeat David Bell. Damn it. I don't know how to do any of the moves. My arch enemy. Huh? I'm trying to do the moves.
Oh. And you just booted me in the chest. You just mastered that move. Yes, you did. That's right. Oh, that's right. Damn it. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Stop doing shit to my neck. Did I get the throat? Oh. My face.
No.
Just finish me. Oh, yeah. I'm going to make you watch What Women Want. That's my finishing move.
Where did Dr. Pepper go, David? It's probably behind the case.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Oh, he broke it. He broke my heart. He broke the heart.
Am I a blind sword fighter? You are. Oh, yes. You're Rigor Hower from Blind Fury. Okay. That's a familiar touchstone for everyone watching, right? Yeah. Sure.
Your daredevil if he had a sword and telekinesis. And could read people's minds. Did he try it? It's like when he broke him. He should.
Right. He'd be a lesser- I think he's supposed to be Japanese, but the guy doing his voice is entirely not Japanese. Yeah, this is not going well for sword. So are there, like, combos that work for most everybody? No, actually. So yours- how did I do that?
Do you guys appreciate how American Jax is?
It's got the flag tied around his robotic bicep. What else would you tie around with? Um, yeah, right? It's a robotic bicep. Scalps, maybe?
Yeah, I felt like I was doing well that time. I don't know what happened. I guess I was not doing well.
What do you do with that barrel? Oh, wow. You can throw. I don't know. How do you do that?
That was a throw you just did. You actually accidentally did a throw cancel, which is an advanced fighting game. How do I do the throw? What's the throw button? The throw button is L1.
Oh, cool. That's a nice one, Jax. Good going. America! I'm like a speed character who doesn't do a ton of damage but can land a lot of hits, right? Uh, seems like it. You're like a fast horse. Yeah.
Shit, shit, shit, shit. Damn it.
Stop. Stop it. No. Stop. Stop it.
Oh, yeah. Dead as fuck. I got the pro wrestler on you. That's that pro wrestling. Yeah.
Why don't you stay down? Maybe he'll think I'm dead and not kill me. Damn, you don't get up. The moment your spine shatters in your...
Oh, he's gonna... What? He's just like looking around. What the hell? Oh, it's a little hot dog. It's like the scene from Ghost Ship. Sure. Yeah. See, that's how you make a reference, Tom. I don't know. Is there air? Is like somebody blowing through a straw? Maybe. Why is it bubbling like a child's milkshake? The GoPro is now the watch Sarge eat town. Pretty much.
It would be Master Blaster. Oh, I'm looking in the wrong... What? What are you? Master Blaster. I'm just gonna be Scorpion. So you're Braun and Hodor?
If that helps you. Okay. Whatever gets you through this. Yeah. Two versus one. Good God. Yeah. Good God.
No, no. You can't do that. You can't just have a little guy you throw at me. Well, I brought one. Can I do things to that guy? No, just you can try. I mean, it's my guy, though. I brought him home.
Get over. Yes, look at this. Come here. How do you get over here? I'm gonna take my tiny person and go home. How do you get over here?
I can't make you get over here. Oh, no. But I just... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. How do you get over here? I can't make you get over here. Oh, no. But I just...
Tarzan right in your face. Look at this.
Dude, you've got to use your special move. There's no way you're not using your special move right now.
All right. That's good. Maybe waste all that meat. Damn it, Josh. Take that. Jesus. Veritor wins. What? This uppercut has a weird angle to it. Damn it. Take that, Jim. But...
I don't even like it. I don't like it.
I didn't take that, Jim, but... I don't do my thing.
The thin scorpion always does. Um... Oh, yeah. A way toward square.
I believe in you. I believe you can do it.
Maybe you can't. Apparently not. Maybe you really can't.
A way toward square? You sure? Yes, yes. It's not towards a way square? Pretty sure.
You can try both. I mean, well, I'm just going to keep throwing my child at you. Goddamn it. Here you go. Whatever Forget it doesn't matter Like me personally or yeah, same bill right Hey Yeah, but you're a super good Get a little guy. No Doo doo doo doo doo doo I'll come over and show you something There we go. Oh No, oh, oh I'm breeding child soldiers I'm teaching him how to kill Far too young an age.
You're like super duper Clive Barker. Yeah. No, that's you're like a linebacker on Clive Barker's football team Look at that.
You wrote in on like a dead goat horse Wait, wait, what did he what did you ask me when I didn't hear it? I didn't hear it. Yes, if I brought something and I was like, no dad What is that where did you find that what is that animal what is that animal what that thing is that a Pokemon I'm Jenny cage.
Oh, I'm old Johnny That's one of his I can send little clones of myself out. Yeah, it's awful. Oh There that's how I haven't played his phone cheese, I can't I've punched you a nad He's getting up there he's getting up there Yeah It's gotta be fascinating right? Yeah, cuz he's fighting monsters just like in his off time. Yeah They just grabbed my nuts comically Good dragons tooth necklace all of a sudden, where'd you get that Johnny?
No, nothing. It's nothing If there is a Johnny Oh If there is a really cage actor, we would never know it.
Oh, it probably is. Yeah.
How are you alive? Nice stomp on your head No Oh Welcome to the jungle All right, I'm thinking Which would make sense because he's spending all his time Right, he's spending all the time fighting giant monsters That way what he's doing Magic that's what I do. He's got pockets. There's a lot of pockets. I'm a skull man. A lot of pockets on that outfit No, but you're kicked to the groin, you know what my transdimensional skull smash I'm wearing large boots this game.
We're realistic That's it you just went that far like you know what I'm gonna stop here. I'm gonna stop here I'm gonna go. I'm not gonna run it. I'm gonna go ahead.
That's all I needed to do That's our that's our Johnny Cage John Travolta. Yeah. Yeah, Johnny Travolta That's our that's our Johnny Cage John Travolta. Yeah, yeah, Johnny Travolta Sub-zero just remembered a private joke from earlier You should Hanging out with all my other friends who also have inexplicably all have ice powers What They couldn't be bothered to record Hitting on me like no one's gonna have sub-zero fights.
Yeah, that really just they never thought that would happen Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You threw your hat, spun through his rib cage and then vanished and then just reappeared on your head That's one of his powers. It's magical hats bro. Magical hats Why is it bullshit it's magic Is it is it a pothole or is it a magical hat Stop spinning.
That's really all I do That animal got out Animal got loose. I don't feel like that's gonna be bad first For somebody look at that Foreman up there. He's just like supervising. Yeah I'm interested in the slave right next to you Hammering away at this column. I guess like now I got to nail this copper to this pillar That's my supervisor You know, what why don't you knock it off? Why'd you knock it off? See jizzled yeah, yeah Hey, I did a thing that's right Also, thanks for coming to me Stop it. Well that ground bus sounds like a long recovery time That's right That's right We'll see we'll see about that What was that I do Yeah Uh No, my hat's not gonna come back for a minute Damn Did the wrong one you guys do over Hey, that was all right Oh no, oh no Damn it that's right That's right I didn't wear this hat to lose. I also want to point out that chiseled slave guy Even when he gets bored of chiseling it needs to take a second to look around He doesn't look at the fight happening He looks like over there.
Oh no Oh in the oh no Oh my god, what is that? What am I? You're a beekeeper you're you're the bug lady, I don't know what the hell is going on with this character That's the goofiest design i've ever seen he's got like tiger teeth around his neck. Sure. And then also like I guess puka shells And then just like It looks like he just bought whatever was on sale at the costume shop Just like a bunch of he just assembled his own wardrobe piecemeal He just went into the mortal combat spencer's gifts right just from all the costumes that were like opened and missing pieces He just assembled talk we punch your face What?
Wait, wait, he doesn't even have a bow. He has a bunch of arrows and no bow. He's holding a bow Oh, it is a bow And the string just appears.
Yeah, it's magic. It's magical. Don't either just don't know you're right It's all magic if it doesn't make sense. It's magic Well, I just ruined somebody's meal.
That was all that happened there Oh, whoa, there's like different slaves doing different shit this time Or are you just in a different part of the map? I think we might be interested in a different part of the map I want to see if I want to see if chisel The chisel man is still there. The chisler. Oh, whoa. Yeah, he finished his chiseling Did he?
No, he's still there. He's still there.
He'll never be finished That's the cruel irony. Somebody somebody grabs the thing. He's chiseling and throwing and I will see what he does Come on chisler chisley God damn it. That is a really cool character by the way I just went Telegraph that Oh Yeah Jesus yeah, how is that not a fatality? Yeah, the the special moves are Sort of more fatal than I guess the fatalities The fatalities are pretty final but only because they show like the results of what all of these moves would do to a person Like what was that what was that meeting like when they figured out Her special move and some and was that like somebody's suggestion for a fatality and then somebody was like no No, it could be your super move though Oh, you beat me.
Oh, how do I wow, how do I do this? You dethroned him? How do I do the finishers? Um, hit x Oh here. Here you go.
Back it back it up. Back it up.
You can just spend like an easy coin See there where it says easy fatalities where You can hold r2 and press square. You can hold r2 and press triangle. It's going to use up one of your coins though Okay, that's fine r2 and press square I'm pressing it |
dropout | why_your_airbnb_may_be_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Hey there, welcome to my Airbnb, my name is Zane Allen, right? Actually it's Adam. Weird. Never heard that name before.
Let me show you around. There's the bathroom. I provide everything except toilet paper. Before toilet paper, some Americans used corn cobs. Okay, over here I have a ton of DVDs, so I hope you brought your DVD player. This is the bedroom, I painted these. Yeah, this whole place is like a gallery of my own art.
Man, Airbnb rules. Sure does. Apart from the massive legal liability, of course. Lie what now? Well, Airbnb would have us believe it's a hospitality utopia, better than a hotel in every way. But the fact is, their business model endangers guests, enables crooks, and could leave you on the hook for anything I do here. But I thought they insured me or whatever. Not always.
In many cases, Airbnb has refused to pay for damages. One guest crammed a bunch of stuff down the owner's toilet, causing $10,000 in damage. But Airbnb only offered to pay 78 bucks.
Hey! I'm sorry. You know, I'm realizing this is a pattern of behavior.
In another case, a guest refused to leave the property, and became a squatter. This is my house now! After Airbnb wouldn't help, the host was forced to hire an expensive lawyer to evict them. I've been here so long that my skin fused to your laundry basket! But the risk guests take is even worse. Hotels are required to undergo routine safety inspections, but no one checks Airbnb's for working sprinklers, fire alarms, carbon monoxide detectors, or fire exits.
What the? I told you, that's art!
Airbnb will actually send a photographer to take pictures of your house, but they don't send anyone to make sure that it's safe. In 2013, at least six Airbnb guests suffered carbon monoxide poisoning, and one of them died. And we don't even know the total number of people who have been hurt, because Airbnb refuses to release the numbers.
Well, you take your chances when you get a deal this good. Yeah, you do, but not everyone gets the same deal. Airbnb let you see my name and picture before you approve me, right?
They sure did. Well, Sears does wonderful work.
The problem is, this enables discrimination. One study found that guests with black-sounding names were 16% less likely to be approved as Airbnb guests. Wait, was that white family lying when they said I couldn't stay with them?
Was there no emergency yoga retreat? I'm afraid not.
Nondiscrimination in hotels was something the civil rights movement fought for for decades. That's why in a traditional hotel, this kind of treatment is illegal. But at Airbnb, the bad old days are back again. That is so fucked up. Yeah, it is, and it doesn't end there, because Airbnb is particularly bad for cities. If landlords had their way, they would make every apartment a vacation rental. Of course I would. Tourists pay a lot more than tenants. But that drapes up my rent. I can't afford to live in a dang hotel. So to protect residents, cities pass laws that limit vacation rentals in apartment buildings. And Ms. Airbnb doesn't respect those laws. A 2014 report found that nearly three out of four Airbnb rentals in New York City were illegal.
I'm not a criminal. I'm an artist. Sure, you may be an artist, but a lot of Airbnb hosts are con artists.
Zayn, this is Roy Saman. He researches housing issues at Lane, a Los Angeles-based advocacy group. Adam's right.
Airbnb is used heavily by shady characters who use the service to run illegal hotel chains. They take out multiple leases in different buildings. And Airbnb those units year-round. I just make you look casual, my motherfuck. These jerks take critical residential housing out of the market, which drives up rent for all of us. And Airbnb does nothing to stop them. There was even a case in LA where a landlord evicted an entire apartment building so he could rent out the rooms on Airbnb. Left unregulated, Airbnb can destroy entire neighborhoods. I don't know, bro. Is it on Airbnb to control what their users do? Airbnb is a big tech company, and they can filter out illegal listings very easily. Instead, they're putting the burden on us and on cities to go one by one and sue these landlords to make sure they're not breaking the law.
And that just isn't fair. Thanks, Roy. Hey, Adam, can I come in? My arms are getting really tired. Oh, it's not actually my place, so. I don't know you, bro.
Not only does Airbnb know about these crooks, they actually take a cut. I can't believe we let them get away with this. If three out of four Craigslist users were using the site to commit murder, we'd be like, somebody stop that murder website. I want them killed with a knife from behind for under $100 a stab. Not only does Airbnb profit from illegal activity, they've even secretly purged the records of illegal listings from data they've released to make it look like it's not happening.
Wow. That's not icy. That's straight up dicey. It's a shame because Airbnb actually provides a valuable service, like in remote areas that don't have hotels. But they also need to be a good neighbor. And right now, they're doing the opposite. Damn.
Thanks, Alan. It's Adam. And no problem. I can rest easy tonight knowing I've taught one person the truth.
You're not staying here. I canceled the reservation five minutes ago. You blew up my toilet.
Remember? But where will I stay now? I don't know, man.
Sleep on the street. Well, everything we know about homelessness is wrong.
I can talk about that. Hey, guys, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | first_person_shooter_trial | I now call to order the court-martial of Galactic Marine Sergeant Jack Granite, a.k.a. Player One. Disobeying orders, misuse of military hardware, and endangering your fellow soldier. While this conduct is hardly befitting a hero of a first-person shooter, your plea? I hate escort missions.
Not guilty, Your Honor. My client plea is not guilty. Very well. The prosecution may call his first witness.
According to the mission report, the player commandeered your jeep. How did that happen? Shoving me out of it, sir. Did he then use the jeep to accomplish your unit's mission? Well, if our mission was to do donuts for 20 minutes and drive the jeep off a cliff, then yeah, he did. For the benefit of the court, was that in fact your mission objective?
No, sir. It was not. But it was awesome.
No further questions. I was explaining to the private the rich narrative behind our mission objective, but then he just walked away. Objection! The captain's words were superfluous and boring. We were being slaughtered out there. I called for the player to help, but he just stood there. He just stood there. It was a bathroom break.
You disgust me. You want me to piss my pants? Private, it says here you took on an alien ultravore with just your fists?
Now son, that doesn't seem too smart. Clearly. But the player wanted to hoard every single gun we found for himself. At one point he had like nine different guns. Objection! The witness is clearly speculating. Is he though? And why would a single soldier need so many weapons? Oh I don't know. To sign his name in bullets. To defeat those dangerous explosive barrels. So not once did the accused actually fire his weapon at an enemy soldier. The closest he came was when he fired that rocket launcher directly at the ground. Now why would he do that? Can I answer that?
There's a secret area where if you shoot a rocket and jump at the same time, I'm not even going to give it away. I'm not going to do it.
We were hit pretty bad and as I was laying there, I saw him approach. I thought he was coming to help, but...
Go on. It's okay. You've been through a lot. Show us with these dolls what happened. Nice! Your honor, never in all my years have I seen such a... Wait a second. All right? Eugene, I got this.
Now, I may not do things about a book, all right? I may enjoy sick explosions and uber lulls at the expense of my fellow soldiers, but I get the job done. Sure, maybe I killed more galactic soldiers than brood spawn. I definitely destroyed more of our own equipment and I apologize about that, but I finished the mission on easy and at the end of the day, isn't that what it really all is about?
Nothing further. Guilty! Yes!
Oh, man. |
TheOnion | Should_We_Exercise_That_Much_If_The_Body_Is_Built_For_Short_Bursts_Between_Sitting_And_Lying_Down | It seems like we're constantly hearing different fitness advice. Exercise two to three times a week for at least 30 minutes a day. And don't forget cardio, but don't exercise too much or you'll get hurt. So, how much exercise should you be getting? Well, actually not that much, since the human body is only built to withstand walking a short distance before lying or sitting down again. In fact, a group of biologists from Stanford found that walking more than five feet at a time can cause joint pain, fatigue, and even extreme hunger. The study concluded that the maximum effort the human body can safely endure is reaching for an item high on a shelf. Our bodies simply aren't built to stand up and move around, so maybe those high intensity spin classes and daily jogs aren't such a good idea. Instead of walking up the stairs every day, try taking the elevator whenever possible. Make sure to replenish your body after exercising, and next time you're at the gym, change up the routine a bit and consider lying down on the treadmill every once in a while. You can even use a fitness tracker to let you know when you've been exerting too much energy. Your body will appreciate it.
For The Onion, I'm Jill Hooper. |
TheOnion | Sex_House_Meet_The_Nymphos_Ep_1 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House!
What up? Hello?
Check out this place! My name's Jay, I'm from Gainesville, Florida and I'm not leaving the Sex House till I... Uh oh! What the fuck? Holy fuck I'm Alex and I am not afraid to explore my sexuality. I'm just expressing myself, you can react however you want, not my problem. You sure can. Jay's not really my type, but this is Sex House, so anything can happen. You know what that is? Yeah, it's a sex scene, duh. I can already tell, Alex is extremely needy. Oh! Hey!
My name is Tara and I'm a party girl and I always get my way. I'm super sweet to my besties and I'm a bitch to people who fuck with me.
Do dance? Obviously. Yeah baby.
I was a dance major. What, you went to college?
Hello? Hi!
Erin is totally smoking, I'm like, I'm trying to have sex with that! I'm from a little country town, so pretty much the craziest parties we had were church dances. But I'm ready for fun and to try new things.
Where are the bedrooms? Upstairs maybe?
Oh my! It's incredible! Bedroom! Wow! Holy moly!
Um, my name is Frank, I'm a senior accountant and I have a wife and two beautiful children.
Hey, what's up? Oh hey, hi, how are you? Hey! Frank! Who are you? Yeah, I'm Jay. How are you, Jay? Good, how are you? Hi! Sex house! How about that? Frank is like, so old. Like, what are you even doing here? I'm not going to have sex with anyone, but meeting new people is always a wonderful treasure. Hey guys! Hey! Hi, how are you?
My name's Derek and I'm ready to meet some hot guys and make Sex House the best time of my life. I'm Alex. Guys, we got a Sex House sexed from the producers. Ew, ew, ew. Welcome to Sex House! We're ready for three months of consequence-free sex. What? Nya is waiting to fall in love with you and to watch you have sex!
Woo! Okay! Let's party! It's time! Party time! This is done!
There's so much alcohol that barely left any room for the food. I took a two-day bartending class in high school and I can already tell we got everything we need.
To Sex House!
Woo! Oh yeah! Yeah baby! I can't believe Alex kissed me like that. He needs to get it together. Woo!
I hate Tara. She's such a slut. I would never make out with a slut like that if I weren't in the Sex House.
Woo! Let me get some more.
I'm trying to figure out who else in the house is gay so I can have sex with them. But it doesn't seem like anyone is. But I'll find them though.
Derek's homosexuality is definitely a turn-on. Alex is trying really hard to get somebody to have sex with her.
It's pretty unattractive. Like my quad is just like way much more than it used to be.
Your arms are pretty cool. Tara's hot but I gotta have sex with Aaron first. It's like eeny meeny moe. Have sex with you. US my D. My company specializes in technology consulting. Cool.
But I'm not really so much involved in that part of it. I can already tell Frank and I are not going to get along.
I find it impossible to believe that they didn't cast another gay guy. That would be a major oversight.
Woo!
I've never had this much to drink before. I'll get used to it.
You're in the Sex House. That's right. Sex House! Tug it, tug it, tug it. Woo!
I've never even had sex before. I've never had sex before. You're a virgin? I've just never had that perfect situation where I wanted to lose my virginity.
So hopefully I'll find it here. Wow. I already wanted to hook up with you but that's a new level. Frank is drinking a lot and he's really impressing everyone. I knew Aaron was a slut. What are you overstating? Mine. But whatever. I've got a short memory. I'll just retrace my slam steps with Tara. Next time on Sex House. Don't you judge me. I think the fact that we're getting a stipend to have sex with each other might violate state law. Derek's a drama queen. I know he wants to fuck me. A morning freeway is just the thing to get your engines revving. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Kick_Gurry | This is going to be a bit of a gear change, a refreshing gear change from our last couple of guests. We've had a pretty big run of Aboriginal activists and footballers in the wake of what looks to be a very, very black news cycle in the Indigenous Voice Referendum and the Koori Knockout of course, which took place last weekend in Tuggera. But there's something else happening in the news cycle and there's something else happening in the culture is the, I'm going to say, renaissance or the return to glory for Australian TV and film. A couple of dark years there in the pandemic where I guess a lot of Australians reverted to looking at whatever was on television. I remember during the peak of lockdown it was probably Tiger King, which was a really dark place to be, watching the fall of the American empire through a documentary series about people who own wild animals in fucking Oklahoma. But you know, we're back in Australia particularly. The streamers and the TV networks have gassed up post pandemic and we're not actually making shows anymore that need to be set in one room, which is great. The model of the white Lotus where you can have everyone in one place and kind of keep it COVID safe, that was an era of Australian TV and film, but not so much anymore. And I think it's great to be able to have shows that are set in different parts of the world. And today's guest has pulled together something like that, you know, a real return to form a series.
Kit Gorrie, thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me.
That was really the inspiration for the show was there was a fair bit of COVID built into it because we, I wrote it right before the pandemic and we got to evolve the episodes during the pandemic, which is sort of a way for us to stay sane through that. I did the Melbourne lockdown, so I did my time down there. It was horrible, obviously, but it was a strange opportunity. My brother lived together, you know, suddenly two 45 year old men living together for 20 years. We just watched footy every night. I mean, it was really like we were 16 wagon school and it was a really kind of interesting experience. But yeah, during the day I'd work on the scripts and then exactly what you just alluded to was the idea of making it ambitious and expanding it. And in the beginning it was like, oh, maybe we could be four guys who've been kidnapped in one room because you didn't know if we were ever going to come out of this COVID thing. And then as we got out of it and started to see the light, I started to think, nah, we should set this and make it really big. And then just a whole bunch of my friends who are insanely successful started saying, oh yeah, I'll come work on it. The ambition sort of caught up with itself and turned into what it did.
So the show is called Court. It's a series on Stan. It's already out now. Everyone can go and have a look at that now. But I want to ask now that you say that, that, you know, your experience in the Melbourne lockdown with your brother watching footy, drinking piss every night and writing scripts. Court is also saying, you know, as I said, there's a Renaissance of Australian TV, but it feels like you're revisiting one of the national pastimes of absolute shit talk.
And do you think that was inspired by being able to bro down with your brother a little bit? I was heavily influenced by it, but I really did. When I started out as an actor in Sydney in the late 90s, we were coming out of a period where I thought Australian film and TV a little bit created a real brand for itself with Muriel's Wedding and Strictly Ballroom and Priscilla and Crocodile Dundee and in many ways, you know, decades ahead of its time. And I went back and watched Priscilla recently and it just holds up. It's like a movie you'd make now to say this is what we want the world to be. And it was actually, you know, it's 30 years ago, so really ahead of its time. And it felt like now in TV, the Scandinavian shows have a real brand like this is what we do, that dark. Well, I felt like we had that. And then I think we kind of lost our way in that brand for about 20 years. And during the course of my career, I really felt a yearning to go back to it.
Yeah. That idea of Australians not taking themselves too seriously. That's the thing.
Like when I saw this trailer, I got really excited because what I see the Australian movie and TV scene at the moment, it's Outback, incest, drugs. I remember I went on a date and we watched The Dry and it got it was almost finished the movie. I was like, there's been no incest yet.
What's going on? This isn't going to work. Yeah. What the fuck?
Spoiler alert. Final 10 minutes of the movie. You find out there's incest.
And I was like, I miss, I miss the larrikin comedies, I miss the castle, I miss fun like that. So do you reckon there's going to be a renaissance and we're going to start getting the fun? I hope so. I think probably there's been a shift in entertainment towards the tail wagging the dog.
It always has to a certain extent financially, but I think narratively now filmmakers, storytellers, there's a real pressure on and I felt it myself during this, there's real pressure put on you to make yourself a good person. Yeah. Through your story. Like you have to look like the one that's altruistic and doing the right thing. And you go, the thing I always come back to is when I'm at a dinner, the person I want to be telling the story is the most outrageous. The one that you just go, I don't know where this person's going with this story.
I don't want them to look after my kids. I don't want them to take my grandma. I don't want them fishing. I don't trust them, whatever.
But when they're telling the story, I'm like, everyone must be quiet. I want to listen to this lunatic for the next 30 minutes.
So it's like the beer test. Yeah, sure. Yeah.
I think that's what people love in Australian storytelling. And you know, I mean Croc Dundee is a great example of this Outback story, but then he's in New York and he's hanging out, he's Aussie in New York and when he says that guy on the street, you know, Mick Dundee from Australia, maybe I'll see you around. That for me is that sort of spirit of whatever the fuck we're doing, we're doing. And I wanted to really tap into that. So yeah, hopefully it will. You find that with also that era you're talking about where we did do our warts and all quite well. That was like the most perfect kind of seamless insight into council corruption, which is a very Australian thing. And infidelity. I mean, Bill Hunter's bumping into the woman he's having the affair with. And then with the castle, I thought it was actually very brave to include a sibling that was in prison, which was just so for that era, you know, 90s, breaking enders, heroin. That was the best way to present that. And for a slightly ignorant audience, and I would count myself as one of those, when Darryl Kerrigan says at the end, I'm starting to understand how the Aborigines feel when he's being displaced from his home for an airport and the whole movie, you're on his side.
You're going like, yeah, it's his home. He shouldn't get to keep his home.
I remember tweaking in that and thinking, wow, this is such a silly comedy, but man, it's actually triggering some really amazing intellectual ideas and themes in your brain and evolving our sort of idea set. So I want to go back with you because I think one of the more groundbreaking films in this country scene is looking for Alla Brandy and you got to play an incredible character in that, which was the white trash boy from the wrong side of the tracks. I want to ask before we discuss, you know, what that film did for Australia and many people that hadn't really been felt or seen or heard or represented until that point. I want to ask, did you ever have an Italian girlfriend after this? Or how did you like, did you ever visit like heart after this film came out? I did many times. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure I left for about two years. Yeah, no, still to this day, there's an amazing connection for a lot of, you know, Greek, Italian, almost anyone who felt out of place at school, which also actually includes, you know, white Anglo Aussie girls, because it's that teenager mentality of feeling out of place, but particular to that community.
No one understands my mom. No one understands me.
Yeah, exactly.
He had played it so well that the Josie character of not being a part of the Italian community, but then being rejected by the waspy kids at school and feeling you're in the middle of that. And I think that's probably a natural journey for most teenagers, but very particular when it's something you can't change, that her ethnicity is not something she can put on a different set of clothes or get a nose pierced and whatever. So yeah, no, it was a fascinating insight into fame, which this show of court is about early on to be thrust into, I remember, well, I don't think that's something you can self proclaim. You're a skippy sex icon.
Well, I do remember, Callum Mulvey is an old mate of mine. He played Drasic on Heartbreak High. Oh, he legitimately was a heartthrob. And I remember we were in Manly just after Alabrandi, and he and I were in Manly not long after Alabrandi came out.
And we used to go down there and have a couple of beers on the beach. And we just suddenly were getting chased by sort of 30 or 40 school girls. And we were only 19 or 20 at the time. And I remember looking at one point because he was like, run! And I had no experience with being chased by girls at school. And he was like, run! And we were running. And I said to him, why are we running?
It felt really antithetical to what I thought we should be doing. But yeah, he taught me the trappings of that stuff. Had a duck and weave.
And then like you had your stripes, like you had some, you know, Australian TV in this area we're talking about. Yep. I read before that you were lucky enough to be featured in the unsung Australian television classic Sea Change. Sea Change, yes. And you got to do that.
And then looking for Alabrandi goes to the stratosphere in Australia. And, you know, there's people that still go on walking tours Enmore Road and look at the old terrace houses and stuff like that. And then you make a move on the states.
Had you done a pilot season there before or had you just... I never really did pilot season to be honest.
The adventure for me over there was really, I never really dreamed of being a movie star as such or playing Hamlet on stage or be on Broadway. My ambitions were really around storytelling. And so it felt like being an actor in Australia and doing Alabrandi was, I learned a lot from that. And I'd learned through being on Sea Change and Wild Side and a lot of TV shows. It just felt like there was a place I wanted to go to, to learn a lot more. So yeah, I just kind of was over there. I think probably a little bit of that idea of getting chased in, in Manly. It is a weird thing when you suddenly become famous when you're not famous, quoting the castle and then suddenly not famous again. I think when I went to America, suddenly no one knew who I was and I could get on with, you know, going to the...
Barney's Beanery? Yeah, going to Barney's Beanery and gambling on football.
And just being around a filmmaking community where it's really all encompassing. So every day, every night, all of those years, I was just kind of learning and observing filmmakers. And I was lucky enough to along the way work with some really good ones that I would count as my heroes. Like you've worked with the Wachowskis three times?
Well, we did two seasons of Sense8, one of their shows. Which was amazing. And I'm so sad that it got cancelled. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think, I don't know if it got cancelled or if the story had sort of, I guess, I don't know.
It was expensive to make. It was very expensive. It was in the early days of Netflix, doing full seasons, and that was an amazing experience for a year and a half.
I'd be sitting at a bar in, you know, LA, and they would suddenly, I'd get a text saying, can you get a plan at 10am tomorrow and come to Korea? Because they would have written me into a scene in Korea, and then I'd fly over there and do that.
It was an unbelievable experience, yeah. And they're fascinating characters. I just remember all the orgy scenes where they're all in their heads, doing like the... They're all over the world. Sounds like it was in your head a little bit.
Yeah, yeah. It would have been. Yeah. But Jupiter Ascending, which... Yep. How was that? That was with Mila... With Mila Kunis, yeah, and Channing Tatum. That was great.
All the stuff I've done with them were just such amazing experiences. They're incredibly intellectually courageous and creatively courageous, and some of their things have worked, some haven't. But Speed Racer, which I did with them, Matthew Fox was in that, and Susan Saran was in that, and they're both in this show, so that's where I met them.
Is this what you do? You go to countries where there's a lot of history, like a lot of cultural export. You go to countries like Ireland, or even you look at California in itself, and I always find how does everyone in this industry not know each other, because as Australians we collect friends, right?
Yeah, yeah. Have you utilised a little bit of that? I mean, of course that makes sense. You worked with her there, you got her number, you asked her if she wanted to be in this thing later on. Oh, for sure. On this show, and you know, people say it, you know, if you ever do anything, and we Australians love saying, oh mate, if you ever do anything, I'll be in it.
And this just was something that, once it took off, once it became a real, it was really, you know, dropping a big name, but he's in it, Sean Penn, once he was involved, and he got involved in a big way, you know, he was- Playing himself, that's huge. Yeah, playing himself, a version of himself, a bit of a heightened version of himself, but he saw this little- He wants to reclaim what Team America did to him playing himself. It's funny with these guys, because Sean knows he shines a really bright light on some really wild situations, and he's- He lived in Haiti for a couple of years. And as soon as that happened, he went down there, the first nine months of that earthquake, he was there on the ground, and an amazing character in that respect. And he knows he has to take a certain level of seriousness with him in order to speak to governments and presidents and whatnot to get help for that situation. But in real life, you hang out with him, he's constantly laughing at himself. So this was a chance to kind of- How did you get him involved? Well, through a series of very, very fortunate events, actually, through sort of like you were saying, people knowing people, and when I did Speed Racer, he just made Into the Wild, and Emile Hirsch was the lead Into the Wild and Speed Racer, so I ended up hanging out with Sean a little bit through Emile, anyway, and having just known him a little bit over the years, and then I made this teaser for this show with the boys that are in it.
Oh, you did a sizzle reel with the- Yeah, we did a little- Yeah, made of mine in America, a big producer, he said, you know what, if you want to do your own thing, he said, go make a 15-minute version of something you want to do, and just show people, because I hadn't done anything as a director, he said, people are not going to give you money unless they can see that you can do it, because it is a crazy investment film and television, because if you buy a house, even if the market collapses, you'll have something worth 50% of what it was. When you make a show, if you fuck it up, it's worth zero. So yeah, anyway, Sean saw the sizzle, and I didn't know him very well, and he ran me up, and he said, look, this is so perfectly inappropriate, what you're doing with this, and he said, I'm going to give you three options, A, you let me help you get it made, B, I'll join you and make it with you, or C, you can tell me to go fuck myself. Well, both of the first two options sounds like you're going to help it get made, by lending your name, let alone your production stripes. I want to talk about the premise now, the elevator pitch.
What would you say it is, because I've been thinking about it, and yeah, I don't know, maybe it's a throwback to the era, and it's not as absurdist as the hotshots or the naked gun, but it does have that big epicness to it. Yeah, and very influenced by those films, for sure.
Yeah, look, it's really just four guys, four soldiers, kidnapped in a fictitious war, who suddenly realise that their lives would be changed for the better by becoming famous rather than becoming free, so they focus their attention on becoming social media stars who have been kidnapped, and it was my way, that was just an entry point, it was my way to explore what I've been through for the last 20 years, or had a front row seat at for 20 years, which is, and I don't think we've reconciled it, where reality TV for 10 years morphed into social media, and that transition from stardom, really when I started acting, you'd become a star because you did something, and you weren't necessarily special for sure, but you did something and became a star, yeah, and it turned to like, no, no, no, you became a star because you were doing nothing basically, and then you were a star just because you were famous. I always look at that young egg boy, you know, the one that, the kid that egged the, like the one nation senator, so it was the day after the Christchurch massacre, and this guy gave a distasteful press conference where he was trying to obviously be as tone deaf as possible, and like, you know, succeeding very well at it, I'm sure, this young kid snuck in, and it was a perfect social media moment, because this kid was 16, so he couldn't charge him with anything, yeah, he'd snuck into this effectively white supremacist press event by pretending to be a disillusioned youth, and they welcomed him, and then there, and then egged the guy while he was speaking, and then got bashed by skinheads, but he was just, he was that age where like, a hiding doesn't really, you can bounce back from it. He's like an X-Men character. 16 year old just getting boots and punches in the ribs, and then he took off, and then I don't think he saw it, but someone found his social media account, there's a 16 year old, and there was millions of followers overnight, from like, you know, all the Muslim countries around the world were supporting him, and he became egg boy, and then I kind of go, well, where does this end now? Yeah, where does it go? The kid's not going to school yet, and then, and the next time he pops up was, he was, you know, obviously an enlightened young man, and smoked a few billies.
Anti-vaxxer. Anti-vaxxer, and everyone was heartbroken by him, I was like, wait, that's what happens, teenage boys let you down.
Don't expect him to, you know, keep up this incredible moral crusade. Well, yeah, exactly, because he's not trying to be an advocate, you don't know what he thinks about everything else, and it's sort of that, that funny thing, I mean, a little bit with Russell Brand right now, there's this incredible divide of people who think Russell Brand's a great guy, in his corner, and everyone who thinks he's not a good guy, or in the other corner, but there's none of their opinions are based on the facts of what's going on. It's sort of circumventing the idea of law and order that we have, that we've created in the West, which is the idea of innocence until proven guilty, and then you have a trial, and then if you're guilty, you serve your time. Now it's really an opinion base. Well, the fact that you can have two reputations, you know what I mean? It's a bizarre, you know, you can operate as both loved and loathed.
Yeah, and I remember early days, I did a film down in Tennessee, this American film called Dolce Calhoun, which is a really cool experience, which Johnny Knoxville was the lead in, and it was at the height of Jackass, so it was an amazing three months down there with him. Sounds like it would have been really fun. I've got amazing footage from down there. The first thing we did, we walked in, I walked into the hotel, met him, and the first thing he did was, you know, handed me a pill of some kind. And then we went to Walmart and he bought a pump-action shotgun with his license, which in his license, he has a priest's collar on, because he went to the DMV in America with that on, so his license has him as a priest and got a pump-action shotgun, and then we were driving around with that, and it was unbelievable time.
But the woman behind the counter, who was this amazing woman, really nice, looked after us all, and she was telling me that we had to go to war in Iraq. And I said, but what, why do you want to go to war? Why are you so gung ho? And she said, well, we have to get revenge for 9-11.
I remember thinking, wow, this woman fully believes that's true. That's her reality. That's a fact. And then I looked up in the corner and there was on the TV in her, in the lobby of the hotel at all times was Fox News.
And this was back in 2004. And you think that 20 years of that has morphed that country into a wild place. With the two opinions talking about it. Yeah, yeah. And now even like it's split even more. We kind of, there's a chasm now in the Republican Party, where, you know, are you not extreme enough? And, you know, yesterday I was watching them all berate Donald Trump as being a moderate. I was like, whoa, he's created something here.
But I guess there's always been this kind of, maybe social media has been able to shine a light on the fact that we're not all this grey person. Like, we're not this one person. It's kind of a more accelerated and magnified version of what you did in something like looking for Alla Brandy, where we have these eccentricities that exist in the suburbs and in the towns and maybe somewhere like America would be better off vulcanising and, you know, people who feel like that.
Oh, there's no doubt. There's no doubt.
Their big problem in the US is they're 350 million people and they don't, there's people who are so ideologically opposed.
How do you govern? It's like being a parent of two kids who've hate each other and can't agree on anything. I mean, how do you agree on where you're gonna go on a holiday? How do you govern them?
Yeah, very, very difficult. I mean, are you touching on military industrial complex here? Not really, not to a huge extent. We're kind of landing on politicians a little more. I don't think, I mean, the whatever orcas deal or whatever that thing is, that feels to me the first real influence of military on a large scale. In America, you see it every day that the industrial complex over there is just insane. Here, I feel like we keep it at an arm's length. But when I saw that and you thought Anthony Albanese wasn't elected to sign a 350 billion dollar military deal, there's no way, but he did. And so there's a push there. Isn't it funny that the issues that we ask for details on, I need more detail. You want to ask for more detail than a 300 billion dollar military contract?
Agree, just but, and you think about what that could do if you sign that deal into, you know, homeless youth. You basically solve the problem over the next 10 years, I would say. Free dental for the whole country. No, we touch on it a little bit.
The show, what I wanted to do was, I feel like in our quest over the last 20 years to not be defined by one thing, especially an aesthetic thing with our identity. Like, I think I've followed very closely the women's movement. My mom was a big feminist when I was young.
And seeing that push to not be identified as a woman. Yeah. You know, like, obviously, you know, you're a woman or if you're non-binary, that's what you are. And if you're a man, you're a man. But in the workplace, I don't want to be the female lawyer. I'm a lawyer. I think that's been the fight. As you know, you're talking about people, we're at a point now, your mom was of the bra burners. But we now have a point now where no one really wants to be referred to as the first female in this role. No.
Yeah, they just want to be in this role. Well, yeah, exactly. But social media has given rise to a place where people are being identified as one thing. And so we've sort of gone full circle. And I wanted to explore that with this show a bit, which was, and I didn't want to lean into, you know, these are the good guys, these are the bad guys. The bad guys that we meet at the start of the show, ultimately are the good guys. Yeah. And the soldiers in our show end up being the guys who were doing something bad. Yeah. So you go, are they Australian heroes or are they doing something bad? Well, it's very timely, let me tell you.
That wasn't planned. That was not planned.
What has it been like in terms of an alumni on court? I am. What's been the feeling amongst, I mean, have you had those, have you had a wrap party? Have you had Brian Brown spinning yarns about Bankstown back in the fucking 60s? Yeah, he loves telling those stories.
No, it was a really amazing family because for me, it was all really friends and people I'd met over the years all coming together. And I'd always been on film sets. I don't know if it's by happenstance or design, but we were really happy places. The Wachowskis had really happy sets. Everyone was really a family.
And so on this, I really wanted to kind of reflect that. And there's a sort of notion in entertainment, a little bit that, or in film especially, there's got to be pain involved to create something good. And I really wanted to... I hate that. Yeah, me too.
I don't think so. No, no, not at all. You don't have to be. No, and hopefully this show will prove to, for me at least, that you don't have to, because honestly, every day was such a joy.
There were challenges and it was difficult, but the people that came together to make, we just had a crew screening last night. And it was just amazing to see how much everyone was enjoying being together.
Mate, I want to ask, this is a directorial debut and you're acting, right? So with something like that, with those kind of credits on a production, it would speak to this being your baby. I look at something like Eastbound and Down with Danny McBride. That was his baby, written, directed, starring. And something like Eastbound and Down was something he was trying to get up for 10, 15 years. You know, like, is it one of those things?
Oh yeah, no, very much so. No, this is like a 25 year. The idea wasn't with me for 25 years, but when I think of all the themes that are in it and the people that are in it and the friends I've, you know, gathered along the way, it's a 25 year journey for me from getting chased on Manly Beach with cows to sitting here.
And it was sort of born out of Fleabag actually. Drasek and Jacob. Fleabag, I fucking love Fleabag. Yeah, Fleabag was unbelievable.
And the thing I loved about it was is that it came along right in the midst of the Me Too movement, but it was a story written by a woman, starring a woman, created by a woman. And she was saying some fucking outrageous things that no one else could say. And so it was, you know, like the opening of the show. She sits there, you know, I don't know if you remember, you know, but it's her hooking up with a guy and da da da. When I watched that, I thought, oh, this is really interesting. I want to do my version of this. That was really the big inspiration for me was she's sitting there telling her story in her way, in her words. And I was like, well, yeah, I want to try and do that.
Are you hoping to get a $60 million Amazon deal where you do nothing? Yes. I would not say no. I wouldn't run away from that.
So have you got anything else in the pipeline? I mean, this is something new. This is going to be something that people talk about, particularly with the scale of this thing and the names. It's not going to be a quiet. This is a before and after moment in TV, especially with the rise of streaming. We now know we can do this and we can make Australian stuff and people from elsewhere in the world want to be involved in Australian stuff. And, you know, it's something that can translate elsewhere around the world. Has it been anything that you were thinking of or kind of had in the pipeline? Yeah, a bunch of stuff.
And Stan is an amazing place that I've talked to them a lot about. And Brian Brown I've known for a long, long time.
And he talked about this, that he wanted to go overseas and be Australian. He wanted to be Australian in movies. And my yearning after 20 years was really to make shows here, but not necessarily make a strange like this show isn't really an Australian show. I mean, we're in a foreign country for most of it, but it's certainly an Australian made show and mostly cast Australian. But it feels like Fleabag, a good example. I was sitting in L.A. as an Australian watching a British woman's show. But the only separation, all of that is these labels that I'm giving myself there as an Australian living in L.A. and she's a British woman. If you're minus them, it's just a story someone's telling that I love watching. And I think we can do that in Australia.
And the hope is with this show is that it works. If it doesn't work, then I'm fucked. And, you know, still before and after. But if it if it works and people like it, then I feel like it maybe will prove that we can do this scale of a project here.
Where were you filming it? Like that jungle looked real jungly. It's this amazing place out in Terry Hills. Everyone will think we went to the Philippines, but this guy planted a rainforest in his backyard 30 years ago and I stumbled across it and he didn't want to let a film crew in there. And I went in and had a six pack of beers with this old guy, Gordy, who's the biggest legend. And he's cultivated this garden for 30 years. And at the end of the day, he goes, oh, yeah, mate, you can come in. So we built the whole camp there. And if you go 30 meters left, right, north, south, east, west, you're just standing in the suburbs. But inside of it, you would think you're in the Philippines. It's really wild. And Sydney's got that climate that you can grow a lot of bamboo and palms and a phenomenal place. Right.
I would not have thought that definitely helps production. Well, because the budget wise, you can't send 100 crew and 20 actors. Do you let you use the toilets as well? That would have made it easier too. Well, the advantage was the next door property was an empty block.
So we got that for the crew. We had all the trucks there and. Wowee. Yeah. What a fire. I mean, you had to make this film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once all the machine was in place, yeah, there was no turning back. Well, it's done now.
And it's there for everyone to have a look at. Check out Court on Stan. And we look forward to what else is in the can for you, Kick. Thank you for bringing Sean Penn to us. Thank you, guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | dissing_your_dog_snl | I'm Bill Sturdivant. I've been raising dogs since I was six, and nothing has brought me more joy or more sheer frustration than training a puppy. with a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be especially maddening. And like you, I've probably tried all the tricks. screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy. But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective nonviolent puppy training tool. it's called dissing your dog. how to train your puppy with mockery and verbal humiliation. You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for. they know when they're the butt of ridicule, and when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders where a rolled-up newspaper fails. Whatever your puppy's behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it. problems like jumping on furniture.
Oh, no, no, no, Humphrey, don't get up. why don't you just stay there and relax? after all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding, high-stress job. Oh, no, wait a minute. that's me. now I remember. I'm the one with the job. you're the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber. accidents in the house. Hey, Walter, thanks for your help with the new off-white sofa. everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect accent. So good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. he wants his bladder control back.
That's it. good dog. fussy eating habits. Oh, right, Margaret. you wanted prime rib. Here's the deal. The Palm wasn't taking reservations. you want to try Morton's because I understand they have a new chef. So for now, let's just go with the Alpo, Okay?
I know it's not your first choice, but keep in mind. you're a f***ing dog. I'm so confident this program works. I want to send you volume One of the five-part series, free of charge. once you've seen it, I know you'll order the rest. right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? she's being punished. To order, dissing your dog, dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today. Remember, there's one thing stronger than a dog's sense of smell. his sense of irony. |
TheOnion | 6_Year_Old_Explains_How_Messed_Up_It_Is_That_Her_Entire_Life_Has_Been_Put_On_Facebook | My mom and dad loved to take pictures and own videos. It always seemed nice and totally normal. But I was taken advantage of. My entire life. All of it. Ever since I was a baby husband playing on Facebook. And it's completely messed up. I thought they wanted to save the memories for a scrapbook. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized absolutely everything was being plastered on the newsfeed of everyone they've ever met.
I never consented to any of it. But that doesn't matter. What could I have done? I'm only a child. It was my parents' job to protect me. Not pimp me out for likes.
It's so embarrassing. There are pictures of me as a newborn in the hospital. There's even one of me completely naked in the bathtub. That was for my parents' eyes only. And now it's just out there for anyone with a Facebook login to see.
It's wrong. Just wrong.
I'm only six. And this website has already erased my privacy. How can I look anyone that I know that they've seen me at a training party? Who is going to take me seriously after they've seen me with mashed peas all over my face?
No one. That's who? No one.
This is something I'll have to deal with forever. Even if I try to delete everything, how do I know that someone out there hasn't already downloaded all of it? And God knows what they're doing with it too. I can't even have a phone pointed at me anymore without freaking out. Who can I trust?
You wouldn't go up and film an adult taking a bath and then post it all over social media, would you? Then why is it okay with your child? Some moments are personal. They aren't meant for the entire role. I wish I could get those moments back, but Facebook took them from me forever. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_shawshank_redemption | The Shawshank Redemption It's everyone's favorite movie about Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman eventually going to the beach, but it's also loaded with little known trivia and fascinating behind the scenes stories that will change the way you watch The Shawshank Redemption forever. Stephen King was inspired to write the novella that the film is based on after he saw several men drinking beers on a roof and thought that they should be in jail. But it was director Frank Darabont who brought King's story to the silver screen. When budget cuts threatened to destroy the film, he decided to save money by shooting all the interior scenes in his own house and using his actual kids as extras. The iconic narration in Shawshank made Morgan Freeman famous for his rich and resonant voice, whereas he had previously been known almost exclusively for his incredible foot. Here's something interesting, that's my worm. Part of the movie's strength is that in the midst of all this seriousness, it still leaves room for some humor, like this hilarious moment where Red receives a hammer in the mail. And in case you weren't convinced Darabont was a Beach Boys fan, check out this awesome cameo. Over the course of filming Shawshank, Tim Robbins went through puberty nine times. Talk about commitment.
Ah, here it is, the worst part in an otherwise great movie. This scene's shameless Brooks Brothers sponsorship nearly undermines the integrity of the entire film with its over-the-top product placement and even a blatant brand mention right here. Definitely a misstep. Check out this callback to that hilarious hammer joke from earlier in the movie. Never gets old. But even a great movie like Shawshank has its fair share of production goofs. Like this part where you can actually see a whole chunk of the set break off. Not to mention this embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.
But this scene where a dog is running in a river really boggles the mind. Last time I checked, dogs aren't allowed in rivers.
Looks like somebody screwed up big time. Everybody's innocent in here, don't you know that?
That said, this movie is still a total classic, and even though it did lose the Best Picture Oscar to Forrest Gump, Shawshank is widely recognized as one of the best beach movies of all time. Which brings us to the famous ambiguous ending. Shawshank fans like to argue about whether or not Andy and Red went swimming after meeting on the beach, but Darabont has said in interviews that he left it open-ended on purpose.
Maybe they went swimming, maybe they didn't. My personal theory? I think they did go swimming.
Well, that's all the Shawshank trivia I've got for now. Hopefully you learned some new facts about this seriously epic movie that will make you appreciate it even more the next time you watch it. See you later! |
dropout | hardly_working_sensual_harassment_with_amy_schumer | Hey, uh, I think I'm supposed to be in here. Are you Amy from HR? Have a seat Adam There's no easy way to say this But we've received several complaints from your co-workers that you've made them feel sensually harassed Sensually what wait, what is that like sexually harassed?
No, not at all. It's way worse I think your complaints are way off Well, is this way off that on March 3rd you sent an email to Emily with a photo of yourself attached Yeah, but that wasn't like a naked photo No, you weren't naked. You were wearing a white billowy top looking pensively into the ocean Okay, that photo is totally innocent. Then why is it in soft focus Adam? She knew what I meant by it Really? Okay. Well did a new know how you meant it when you wrote the waning moon is Bathing my apartment in the soft glow of a hundred fireflies You're a pig. All right, you're taking these messages way out of context I don't think the security footage is taken out of context.
There's you in the break room And what are you doing? You're eating strawberries that you dipped in melted Chocolate and what about here? Huh? You're in a meeting. What are you making scented candles?
And I'm sorry, but what you've been doing in the bathroom is disgusting I'm just doing tai chi in the kimono. Let's make a federal case out of it All right, what if a co-worker walked in do you know how enchanted they'd be all this stuff is in good fun You know just joking around I'm not hurting anybody. I Wish that were true Well in order to get to the copy room. I have to walk by Adam's desk I'm sorry. I'm a little uncomfortable. That's okay. Holly go on as I walk by I saw Adam and he was He was reading poetry on a bearskin rug There are rose petals everywhere. It was like I was in a boys to men video You're fired, okay, you just take your beautiful waist like blonde hair and you just get out well I'm sorry. It didn't work out Wait Hey since you don't work here anymore Should I go or If you're not watching this on college humor calm and you're missing out on the funniest videos pictures and articles since the invention of the internet in 1994 |
dropout | the_last_supper_at_a_chain_restaurant | Blessed be this day, for we are met as brothers, and yet I say to you, one of you will betray me. One of you who eats with me. One of my twelve...
Wait. Okay, wait, who are you? Howdy y'all! I'm Steve, actually, your waiter.
Welcome to Wacky Jack's Rodeo Barn and Grill.
What can I do you for? Uh, we're actually still deciding. Alrighty-o.
Matthew, you couldn't get reservations at any other restaurant. It's Friday night, there are twelve of us, Jesus.
Take this and eat it, for this is my body. He who potates of this shall never be far from my heart.
Sorry, uh, but are you guys gonna order anything? I've noticed you're eating a lot of the complimentary bread and you've only ordered one sangria.
Well, actually, this is my blood, but, you know, whatever, fine, I will have a hamburger. We don't have burgers here, but we do have Rockin' Rodeo Cowpies! Fine, okay, I'll have the wacky cracker chicken sticks, I guess you get.
Take this and drink from it, for this is my blood. I am the vine, and thou are the branches.
Peter, are you coloring? No. Peter? Yeah. Okay, never mind.
Today is a very important day, because today, you are no longer my servants, but, you are no longer my servants, but, I'm like, I can't even do this, so I'm not, oh god, please be serious. Oh no. Thank you, but it's actually not my birthday, not my birthday, please, this is really, this is torture. You're torturing me right now.
Enough!
I didn't ask for this, I don't know who put you up to this. I didn't.
Shut up, man, shut up.
But it's not my birthday. I know I've been hinting at it pretty hard, but I'm going to die, like tomorrow, which makes it all the more, like, not my birthday.
Babe, maybe you should call- No, no! Okay, even for my birthday, I would want a foot bath, or maybe a blowjob, but not a whole room full of people staring at me, and some bland chocolate cake that I don't even like, but you're probably going to charge me for it anyway.
Hey, hey, here's a sermon, you guys want a sermon, huh?
Blessed are those who don't lie to the waiters when they're friends in the bathroom about it being their birthday. Yeah, I thought that was pretty obvious, but I guess the meek and the pure of heart and all that shit didn't get the point across. Whenever you're ready. And they charge this for the cake, so who's got money?
My other robe, actually. I've got 30 pieces of silver. Sorry, but we just had a big old group come in, and I noticed you guys are only using one set of your tables, so can we switch you guys around to use some of those tables? |
dropout | prank_war_6_the_infamous_yankee_prankee | Bats the crowd of 57,545 and they're all going to be here tonight to watch Streeter propose to his girlfriend. The only thing is Streeter doesn't know that yet. I'll explain more when we get inside. Alright, right now we're sitting in the bleachers. Streeter and Sharon are going to come and they're going to be sitting in Tier Box 640 row E. In the middle of the 5th inning, that jumbotron right over my shoulder is going to display a marriage proposal statement from Streeter to his girlfriend. They have no idea it's coming. I bought two tickets for my friends to sit in Tier Box 640 row F, one row behind Streeter and Sharon. They're going to tape the entire thing as it unfolds. It's going to be pretty amazing. And I also brought binoculars so maybe I can see it myself. The only problem is Streeter and Sharon aren't here yet and it's the second inning. I'm starting to get a little nervous.
I wasted $500.
You can see them? He's wearing an Ichi row jersey and Sharon's wearing a petted jersey. Can you see him?
Recording going into the seams.
Okay, okay, bye. Bye, I'll call you later. Bye.
He's here. He's here with about 15 minutes to spare so, you know, no big deal, it all works out in the end. Jeff. Jeff, listen, I need you to text Streeter congratulations. Just text him congratulations and that's it. I'll explain later. Okay, bye. Hey, can you text Streeter congrats? Just text him congrats. Don't say why. That was true. Congrats. Okay, thanks bud. There we go.
In the top of the fifth, the message is going to go on in the middle of the fifth in five minutes. I don't know who's more nervous. Me or someone who's actually proposing to his girlfriend.
And finally, Fanta's proposal for you! Here's Sharon! I love you forever! Will you marry me? That's from Streeberg! What do you say, fans? That's a good one!
Sharon? Sharon stood up and they were arguing, and Sharon, I think, threw something in his face, and then they both ran off together. I don't know what to do at this point.
I guess, but the girl's name was easy, the guy signed the Streeberg. His nickname is his normal name.
My guess is why this guy stood there for half an inning looking around while he pointed a left at him. I don't know. My hearts feel like beating really fast.
Hello? Hey, congratulations! Congratulations! What do you mean for what? You're getting married, right? Right?
He's like, fuck you, and he hung up! Oh my God! No! That's the old ball game! Oh, it's starting to feel a little bad. |
SaturdayNightLive | andy_s_excuse_saturday_night_live | Kevin, you wanted to see me? Yeah. what in the heck is going on? you're already in. I mean, what's going on with you, buddy? you were late. how can you be late for a live show? it's completely unprofessional.
Look, I'm really sorry, but I can explain. Oh, save it. I'm not buying it.
I was in a cab on the way to the show, okay? But I guess Kofi Annan was making a speech at the U.n. so traffic was terrible, so I decided to take the subway, and I'm on the subway, and you know those bald street performer guys who paint themselves gold and ask for change? Yeah. well, there were two of them on my train, and they got in a fight, so I had to give a statement to a pair of police officers because I was the only person there. well, me and some bum who looked like Red Fox, but he was so drunk, I doubt he noticed anything anyways. But finally, I get to 30 Rock, and who gets on my elevator? Stone Phillips. And here's the thing. my mom is a huge Stone Phillips fan, and I miss Mother's Day, so I had to get her an autograph, and I'm really sorry. you know what? do you like Radiohead? yeah. because I have a couple of tickets to their show next week, I would feel so much better about this if you would take them, because as soon as I saw you, I felt guilty. Well, that's okay. that's very nice, Andy, you know, and I'm sorry I was so hard on you there. that's no problem. I appreciate your understanding. All right, I'll see you. All right. nice kid. but I guess Kofi Annan was making a speech at the U.n. decided to take the Subway. those bald dancing guys that paint themselves gold. there were two of them. Give a statement to a pair of police officers. me and some bum who looked like Red Fox. And who gets in my elevator? Stone Phillips. do you like Radiohead? How did I not see that? as soon as I saw you, I felt guilty. Mr. Spacey, this fact just came for you. damn you, Samberg. |
cracked | 4_movie_curses_with_unexpected_upsides_after_hours | Look, we don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us, in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? She didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Sixth Sense. I'm allergic to raisins. Oh. Specifically, how the curse that the kid has in the film, The Sixth Sense, isn't a curse. It would actually be a really great superpower.
And then hopefully that would open up the conversation for each of you to add your own examples in that framework. And then we'd ultimately land on a winner, me, Daniel. So, like, just raisins or anything grape based? That was very specific. I mean, is that what we're going to be doing? I have to keep talking like that. I've got one. Can I go first? Mine is it. Then save it for the end.
The Sixth Sense. No, no. It. It is not a curse.
It is a monster that sometimes takes the form of a clown and it of origins unknown from before our universe even existed in a dimension called the Deadlights. Maybe it's a dude that exists before the universe in a dimension called the Deadlights, but then it gets cursed to be a monster that occasionally takes the form of a clown.
Then yes. No. It. Help us out. From it follows it. The STD monster that takes the form of a person slowly walking towards you and then f***s you to death unless you have sex with someone and then it follows them until they have sex with someone else or it kills them by f***ing them to death and then it follows you again? Yes. Yeah. That one. Yeah. Help us out more. Two words, as many syllables as I know.
Sex assassin. Michael, you're not suggesting that you would become a professional assassin just to have sex with your target so they would get killed by a monster that would f*** into death just so you can keep doing that over. Yeah, you are suggesting that. That's what you're doing, huh? So the upside of this curse is that you get to kill people for money. Or bang people on death row.
I don't know. Look, I'm horny and I want to see the world. You eventually get f***ed to death by a monster. And look good doing it. But no, actually the monster from it follows follows very slowly. Sensuously slowly. And I could figure out exactly how slowly by taking a stopwatch, walking through a football field and timing it as it follows me. Horny makes him do math. Then, when I know its exact speed, I can fly to Sweden, see the sights, f*** some sexy murderer, and set an alarm for whenever the monster is going to come.
F*** you to death. Okay, I don't love mine. Someone else go. Daniel. Sure. Yeah, if you don't go soon, a monster will show up and pontificate about pop culture you to death. Oh buddy, are you cursed? Did you insult a gypsy by stereotyping a Romani people or like, you know, using the slur gypsy?
The sixth sense. So, the kid can see dead people, right? Spoilers! It's okay, I've seen it. Same. So, in the sixth sense, Cole Seier, yes, his last name is Seier, can see dead people. I see dead people. And then we find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time and so on.
Now, if you could, spoilers, see dead people, you could talk to them, you could communicate, you could help them with their unfinished business. That's doing a service for the deceased, and you can make a little extra for yourself on the side. Because some of those dead people, you got to figure, have stuff to give you.
Oh, totally. I bet for every tenth death you avenge or relationship you fix, you know there's going to be some corpse-y schmuck with a shoebox full of cash or a secret horse you can have. What? And I would use that, I mean, I'd sell the horse and I would use that money to pay for these meals, to perpetuate our pop culture conversations. They're all I have. Okay, not to squash my dreams of you paying for all of my future food that will probably have raisins in it, but the sixth sense isn't really a curse, is it? It's just like a crappy ability that some breathy kid has. It's a sense. The only thing that cursed him is biology.
And you'd have to talk to all those people. You see that, right? All the ghosts? You can barely talk to the waitress who's been here three years. That's not true. So, people, huh? You'd have to talk to them. Somebody else go.
Pirates of the Caribbean is the obvious one, right? This one, a monster follows you around singing It's a Small World After All, yes? The Curse of the Black Pearl is basically a free pass on immortality. In the first Pirates of the... God damn it, Michael. Caribbean. Thank you. In the first Pirates of the Caribbean, a bunch of Caribbean pirates steal Aztec gold and become cursed, which is to say that they become immortal until they return all the gold pieces.
You also can't feel anything or taste anything or experience any of the pleasures associated with life except just existing.
You look like a decomposed corpse in the moonlight. Rude! Buddy, you don't look that bad. You just need... Is gaunt nicer than decomposed? You look gaunt!
Yeah, well, the pirates and pirates appear undead under the moonlight. I mean, they live miserable lives, never-ending, though they may be...
I'm aware of all the problems facing a zombie pirate, but I could just return the gold and I'm back to normal. Keep the trunk right by my front door, take out a handful every time I go on some death-defying adventure, and then I return the gold, and once again, I'm free to enjoy the taste of Katie's sweet raisins. Also sex, I could sex again.
But, Soren, what's your biggest weakness? Too much of my biggest strength.
What? No.
Blood. Oh, yeah, I guess you could die from too much blood. Like putting too much blood in a balloon! Or putting too much blood in a Ziploc bag! Or putting way too much blood in...
It's not just about returning the gold. You have to bleed every time to end the curse. You would have to cut yourself and bleed all over the gold whenever you wanted to revert back to normal.
Every time? Oh, there it is, yep. Gaunt. What belongs on the inside? I know it does, buddy.
Bootstrap Bill's son! They use his blood, I could use my son's... blood.
You know, maybe curses are just bad. It's right there in the name! We can't come up with a single good curse from a movie, then how the hell am I supposed to get an article out of this conversation?
Why am I taking mental notes? Why do we go to this shit diner that puts fucking raisins in their fucking salads if I can't scrap together some article out of this? Wait a minute, I thought we were just having terrible salads with friends. Have you been using our conversations for articles? God, I feel so used.
You just now talked about regularly using your son's blood to end a curse. Yes, I have to prepare him for the real world. He's going to have to know how to break a curse sometime.
And Katie, my only true friends, are quality content and it's elusive, mistress, millions and millions of clicks. Oh, well then in that case, the ring. Mine's you guys. I love you guys. Katie, speak on that.
Okay, so the whole curse in the ring is that once you watch Samara's video, you have to get someone else to watch within seven days or else you'll die horribly, right? I mean, not fucked to death horribly, but still bad, yeah. Okay, all Samara wants is for people to know her story. Once everybody in the world sees the video, then the curse is broken. So just change your article into a video, slap a disclaimer on the front of it, saying, hey, this is a ring-type situation. You have to show this video to someone else or else you're going to die terribly, et cetera, et cetera. And then once they know that the curse is real, YouTube will take off with that and you'll have seven billion views before you can say no raisins.
This is a bad diner, isn't it? Yeah, I didn't want to make a fuss, but there are raisins in my burger. Why do we come here and then? It's not close to any of our houses. Why don't we just go to a bar tomorrow night? Actually, I don't remember ever being anywhere but a diner. Hmm, me neither. Have we ever not been sitting around at a diner making pop culture observations and analyses forever? Look, we don't have to get into a thing.
Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us in a thing. Look, we don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us in a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? I mean, she didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Back to YouTube. I'm allergic to raisins. Huh. We've changed so much. I haven't. That was like five to seven hairdos ago for me. Is it wrong of me that rather than being this eternal pop culture diner, I'd like to be f***ed to death?
Yes. Yeah. Was that a topic? Are the cycles getting shorter now? Yeah. Next topic.
He does do that a lot. But they point out things, so to get ahead of the story, we're going to issue some retractions of things we got wrong.
The first one we said in this episode that it was Aztec gold in Pirates of the Caribbean. It's not Aztec gold. It's a completely different kind of gold.
Yeah. Good spot, Flowers. And now Soren, what are some of the other mistakes we made in this episode? You'll be correct. You'll notice that at the beginning of this thing that Dan is doing now, he flubbed a couple of his words there and got them wrong. Where did I learn that from, Flowers?
I'm so sick. I do this for you. |
cracked | worst_first_day_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_1 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Cracked Tyrion collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little Anecdotes some little behind-the-scenes stories get to know each other a little bit. Oh Jeff Can't believe you're really gone man You're like a little angel with your little boy packs Well You can wear as many tiny diapers as you want now partner. Oh You give them hell Jeff I'm morning Michael you can't keep dropping bottles off the building buddy.
Oh, I'm sorry. My partner was killed He was like my third favorite partner ever third or fourth Definitely top five be careful.
We got a Pile of broken glass forming under the building.
Oh and the chief wants to see you Gasp the chief. I heard that guy eats guns and bullets. I heard his toilet is like He gets shot when he poops. Well, he wants to see you.
All right, don't think about a new partner gasps new partner They can't replace Jeff. He was the eighth finest partner. I've ever had Tell him I'll be right there Jeff David Vikram Kwang Lee bear riding horse mystery partner Good night.
You princes of Maine You fountains of Wayne you You wanted to see me chief? This is about my article.
I can totally explain I didn't want to do it. So I got super drunk and passed out on the new secretary now I know you're gonna want to reward my honesty white.
I Understand Jeff didn't make it back from your last assignment. Jeff was weak, sir You're a loose cannon You need someone who can put you on a short leash and I think I found just the man He's a transfer from our Eastern branch East Coast so when does his blimp arise mark all you want? I think you'll find him quite the formidable taskmaster.
Sorry. I'm late chief Something's got the bottle of Tang around my head as soon as I got here Daniel.
This is Michael the issue I was telling you about. Oh, okay. Oh, right.
Uh, hey Hey there guy I'm Dan, but you can call me D. O. B. Whatever dog It's I just pronounced it like yeah. Well pronounce this I don't need a partner Well, you pronounce it I'm sorry pronounce what I just said sir.
If I could just have a second. I'm still I'm pulling glass shards out time's running out There's a clock now at 10 9 come on to hob 8 Another number even more words quiet.
I didn't hire you to argue about numbers with you You're here because I need you to be the faces of crack calm Congratulations your partners what? This guy's a complete tool what tool want me to spell it out for you Yeah, I guess if you want sure All right Point new guy, but it starts with a T. Oh Okay, I think I see how this is gonna go. Damn you chief. I'm not a baby and I don't need a babysitter He's one of the best writers we have, but fuck me with a live fish if he's in a yammering nutbag Here you'll want these this is a net like your basic net you'll want that this is knockout gas It's not recommended, but it's there if you need it.
So what wipes There's some snacks and stuff in there. It's a bunch of stuff.
He will eat a sponge at some point You can't avoid it. So just be aware and the Fail safe I was promised protection the fail safe is in place Only use it in case of an extreme emergency and be careful once it's triggered. There's no going back.
I Should really move that to my other pocket. I have a key beep thing.
That's almost exactly like it Don't forget sway miss to know nothing nothing sir Do we have a company pool or did I hallucinate that? It shouldn't be too hard. Oh, hey new guy dips on partner So agents of cracked as a show was born out of us.
Not having any money at all.
I Not a trained actor at all But I am I do come free with the site crack calm and when crack wanted to get in the video We had a camera and that's the only expense we were gonna do we the rest of the show was just right So yes, the office you see is our office because where else were we gonna shoot an alleyway? Oh, wait, we did It's in the intro sequence Behind the office. Yeah, right right over there. Although I guess we haven't come that far. We're still shooting in the office This is the office.
So I Just depressed myself.
Hey stay tuned at the end for some little anecdotes some little behind-the-scenes stories We get to know each other a little bit.
Oh Jeff Can't believe you're really gone man You're like a little angel with your little boy pecs Well You can wear as many tiny diapers as you want now partner. Oh You give them hell Jeff Oh I'm mourning whole Michael.
You can't keep dropping bottles off the building, buddy. Oh, I'm sorry. My partner was killed He was like my third favorite partner ever third or fourth Definitely top five be careful.
We got a Pile of broken glass forming under the building.
Oh and the chief wants to see you Gasps the chief. I heard that guy eats guns and shit bullets. I heard his toilet is like He gets shot when he poops. Well, he wants to see you.
All right, don't think about a new partner gasps new partner They can't replace Jeff. He was the eighth finest partner I've ever had Tell him I'll be right there Jeff David Vikram Kwang Lee bear riding horse mystery partner Good night.
You princes of Maine You fountains of Wayne you You wanted to see me chief? This is about my article.
I can totally explain I Didn't want to do it. So I got super drunk and passed out on the new secretary now I know you're gonna want to reward my honesty white I understand Jeff didn't make it back from your last assignment Jeff was weak, sir You're a loose cannon.
You need someone who can put you on a short leash and I think I found just the man He's a transfer from our Eastern branch East Coast, so when does his blimp arise mark all you want? I think you'll find him quite the formidable taskmaster.
Sorry. I'm late chief Something's got the bottle of Tang around my head as soon as I got here Daniel.
This is Michael the issue I was telling you about oh, okay. Oh, right.
Uh, hey There guy I'm Dan, but you can call me D. O. B. Whatever dob It's I just pronounced it like yeah. Well pronounce this. I don't need a partner Well you pronounce it I'm sorry pronounce what I just said sir if I could just have a second.
I'm still I'm pulling glass shards out times running out There's a clock now at 10 9 come on dehob 8 Another number even more were quiet. I didn't hire you to argue about numbers with you You're here because I need you to be the faces of crack calm Congratulations your partners what?
This guy's a complete tool. What tool want me to spell it out for you Yeah, I guess if you want sure All right point new guy, but it starts with a T. Oh Okay, I think I see how this is gonna go damn you chief. I'm not a baby, and I don't need a babysitter He's one of the best writers we have but we with a live fish if he's in a yammering Here you'll want these this is a net like your basic net you'll want that This is knockout gas.
It's not recommended, but it's there if you need it some wet wipes There's some snacks and stuff in there. It's a bunch of stuff.
He will eat a sponge at some point You can't avoid it. So just be aware and the Fail safe I was promised protection the fail safe is in place Only use it in case of an extreme emergency and be careful once it's triggered.
There's no going back I should really move that to my other pocket. I have a key beep thing. That's almost exactly like it I'll remember it.
Don't forget sway miss to know nothing nothing sir Do we have a company pool or did I hallucinate that it shouldn't be too hard. Oh, hey new guy dibs on partner So agents of cracked as a show was born out of us not having any money at all. I Not a trained actor at all But I am I do come free with the site crack calm and when crack wanted to get in the video We had a camera and that's the only expense we were going to do we the rest of the show was just right So yes, the office you see is our office because yeah, where else were we gonna shoot an alleyway?
Oh, wait We did it's in the intro sequence Behind the office. Yeah, right right over there. Although I guess we haven't come that far. We're still shooting in the audience This is the office.
So I Just depressed myself |
ClickHole | if_you_re_choking_you_need_to_watch_this | Hello, I'm Dr. James Stafford Bell.
We both know why you're watching this video. You're choking and you need help. It's a hard place to be in, but you are not alone. By watching this video, I want to give you the confidence to overcome whatever obstacles are currently standing in your way. Let's start with a simple exercise. Envision what you are choking on.
Now envision it gone. Poof!
That is you not choking. See, you are stronger than you think. The first step to beating this thing is to set concrete goals. Write down the words, I will not choke. Make a written commitment and don't back down. Negative thoughts are your enemy. You may be thinking, I can't breathe. To that I say, stop focusing on what you can't do and focus on what you can do. I need help. Well, this is your battle. It's not the responsibility of your friends and family.
I'm going to die! Well, news flash, we all die.
Make the most of this life. There are two paths in this life. One is to choke. One is to not choke. Which one will you take?
If you find yourself choking after watching this video, don't be frustrated. Real change does not happen at the snap of a finger. It's important to set realistic expectations. How much do you want it? We can't control everything in our universe. But you can decide whether you let this choking overtake you.
Your life. Your terms. Join me. |
TheOnion | Nation_Somehow_Failed_To_Predict_Attack_By_Michael_Bay | This is the Onion News Network a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies In the fact zone a little later on we'll be looking at the medical breakthrough that will allow families to keep their old blind Arthritic pets alive for years longer, but right now, California is still reeling from last week's attack on Los Angeles International Airport carried out by film director Michael Bay 52 people were injured after Bay used a controlled explosion to send a helicopter careening into a fuel truck which then flipped and rolled off a freeway overpass right through the three-story glass facade of LAX's terminal 2 before Exploding into a ball of flames as more details have surfaced LA City Councilman Ronda Toro said the LAPD the FBI Homeland Security They were all asleep at the switch films like transformers in the island That was him saying quote look where I'm headed stop me Bay Studio had pile after pile of notebooks depicting horrific Disaster scenarios and attacks on national landmarks according to Bay's personal assistant Mia Burke The director would spend 12 or 14 hours at a time holed up in this tiny dark room watching footage of crashes and explosions Bay is currently being held in a maximum-security prison where guards are on high alert on suspicion that his movie The Rock May have been put out as an early blueprint for an attempted breakout |
TheOnion | Anthony_Weiner_Announces_Bid_For_Whatever_s_Left | John Kerry costs the U.S. defense industry $400 billion, Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, and a stop sign is taking forever to change. Try your best to hold yourself together during this video, okay pal? This is The Onion Week in Review.
Shortly after conceding his defeat from New York City's mayoral race this Tuesday, disgraced ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner announced his bid for whatever's left. Weiner, who placed fifth in polls among Democratic candidates, held a press conference declaring he was now running for whichever position was still open, and added that he would, quote, take what he could get from his supporters at this point. This week, pedestrians and commuters alike expressed enthusiasm after a local billboard informed them about an upcoming television show starring Jerry Seinfeld, a New York-based stand-up comedian well-known for his observational wit. The program, which is apparently entitled Seinfeld and is set to run five nights a week, intrigued passers-by, who expressed great interest in seeing what the comic could do with a show of his own.
In the wake of this week's tragic death of Clemson University student Ben Pruitt, his former roommate, 19-year-old Ryan Green, solemnly honored the deceased freshman's memory by eating all of his food. Reporters talked to the grieving young man about his tragic loss. Then in local news, a couple thoughtfully puts up a wedding website for their friends to mock. In other news, Bashar al-Assad tries a tiny bit of sarin gas on himself to see what it's like, the Department of Agriculture locates the perfect goat, and a liquor commercial featuring a dance party on a pirate ship includes an important message about responsibility. You are merely a few minutes older but infinitely more knowledgeable than before. The Onion can tell. For more time-tested wisdom, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | 6_real_bible_verses_we_re_hoping_god_gives_us_a_pass_on_michael_swaim_goes_medieval | Well, hello boys and girls and Enbies. It's me, your old pal Michael Swain. Remember? We used to hang out together, much like Steve from Blue's Clues. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I haven't thought about you for even a second since the last time we saw one another. Nevertheless, a small stipend and a solid co-cook up later and here I am, back on cracked.
Wow. Now, I know what you're thinking. His face changed. Well, Mr. Dumb Voice, it's called aging and it's a natural process that will befall all of us except for you because you're special. Speaking of special people, there once was one called Jesus and that's really what I'm here to talk to you about today.
See, he wrote this book here. I'm sorry, I don't own a Bible but you know what I mean. If you look inside this book, you're gonna find all the tips you need to lead a good life, which you're gonna want to do because honestly, the consequences for breaking the rules are pretty gnarly. Oh, they're gonna crucify me, olive oil. Again, not this book, the Bible, but you get what I'm saying. You know what? It'd be easier to just show you, so let's do that.
Once upon a timelessness, at gates so pearly white it almost feels like a microaggression, St. Peter's served as heaven's bouncer. All you had to do was live by the rules in the Bible and he'd welcome you in with open wings. Come on in, he'd say. The water's non-addictive heroin and through the gates the blessed soul would flit. What could be simpler?
Approach my child and be eternally judged. Oh my god, okay. Wow, St. Peter, I cannot believe this is real. fuck me in the face right now, seriously. Okay, Trish, it looks like you pinged our system with some laziness, selfishness, casual swearing, the committing of pagan horrors, and that one time you were a total bitch to your bestie at her 14th birthday party.
Well, she did end up murdering me. And when the state executes her, I'll ask her about that.
That's no excuse for rudeness. Plus, we've got you under Leviticus 1919. Keep my decrees.
Do not make different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. But I hated blends and pollies.
This is 100% like Raspandus. Yeah, yeah, tell it to the dog-cat hybrid you tried to make in junior high by shoving both of your pets into a closet. Oh no, I forgot about Princess Fido.
Ah, you're a good kid. Go on in. Don't tell God. Oh, wow. Oh, thank you, St. Peter. Thank you.
Is my grandma here? I want to punch her in the side of the neck. Yep, she's at the Infinity Max movie theater for the premiere of the new Star Wars movie.
Why bother? Just get it over with.
I know where I'm going. Sir, do you want my job? Because I could be playing risk at Voltaire's house right now, alright? He's hilarious.
I didn't believe in God or go to church and I was gay. Now I find out when you die, here's clouds and hops and St. Peter and the whole bit here. What am I supposed to think?
I know what the Bible says about men lying with men and all that horseshit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was a mistranslation warning you about two and a half men. Satan really kicked our ass on that one. Most of the Bible's filler, frankly. This book I'm reading from is just a hollowed out shell with a People magazine inside.
So, I mean, what are you saying? Let me ask you this. You ever jerk off next to your sister-in-law? Why would you even ask that?
Genesis 38.9. But, Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, so whenever he went into his brother's wife, he would waste the semen on the ground so as not to give offspring to his brother. What he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord.
No, I've never done that.
Oh, good. I really do care about that one, actually.
There's a sign in our break room that says, don't be Onan. The graphic is disgusting.
Does that mean? Third left, light pit, pegasus. How do you like me now? I'm gonna have sex with Shakespeare. Best part of the job. Hey, guy, Tom Leonard, right? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, sorry. No, hell. I'm sorry?
Yeah, I'll bet. A stab taxi will be here shortly to pick you up. And by pick you up, I mean stab you, then burn your skin off, which transports you to hell somehow.
I don't really get the specifics. Why? What did I do?
You were so forgiving to all the people ahead of me. Crushed? Balls. Automatic disqualification. I'm sorry. My hands are tied. Crush? Testicles. Yes.
Deuteronomy 23.1. And I quote, No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
We don't have you on the cutting thing, but the crushing tongue. The crushing. They hate that here. It's been a biggie for like 2,000 years.
Is that really in the Bible? Oh yeah. I wouldn't memorize testicle-related information otherwise, sir. I assure you. Then you got Deuteronomy 25.11 and 12, which says if two dudes are fighting and a woman stops the fight by grabbing one of the guys by his junk, you're supposed to cut her hand off. But hey, at least you can still go to heaven with one hand, am I right? No offense. But my balls.
Look, you died in a building collapse, right? The last thing I remember is the ground shaking. I'd run back into the special needs orphanage to get the last child out. And just as I threw little Tamika to safety, the ceiling started to give way and it crushed your nats.
Okay? Hence, you're entitled to an eternity of damnation. Also, you have two first names, which nobody likes. I really don't know how I can make this clearer.
But I died. My whole body got crushed.
Not just, but the nuts went first. Just by a little bit. But it was like, good, good, good, good. You're nuts and then everything else. You know, just like a second.
But I'm sorry. Them's the rules. Deuter 23, man. It's a bitch. Huh. Catch 22, Deuter 23. Might be something there.
But you said the Bible was filler. Man, you are really breaking my balls. No offense. Look, the Bible is a loose guide. God's done a lot of growing up since then. The gay stuff isn't a big deal anymore. Pork is cool. What have you.
But the ball thing, it's stuck. It just weirds him out.
I believe his exact words were, I saw a hostel and that was plenty. Thank you very much. But you know, more booming. Sounds better when Metatron says it.
Then why would he make a building collapse directly onto my nuts? Listen, you can ask him about that when he does his millennial hell Q&A. Till then, just remember the words inscribed above the entrance to God's water park, which you will never see except as a torturous pain induced hallucination of what might have been. God works in mysterious waves.
You like that? I like it.
I can't believe this. So which rules are really important then? Just a couple, really. There's the nut crushing. That's huge. Then you got Kings 2 23 to 25, which says, if you make fun of a profit for being bald, you get rent by she bears. Actually, now that I think about it, those are the big two. That's totally unfair.
Get over it. Jesus. Did someone call me? No, sorry Jesus. Just dealing with the why me. Oh, okay. Look, you're gonna get me in trouble, okay? Trust me. You don't want to piss that guy off.
In the book of Matthew, he saw a fig tree with no figs on it and smited it on the spot just because he was hungry for figs. Then why wouldn't he just make it grow figs?
I don't know. The dude is crazy. Wait, can't I repent?
Hey pal, you should have thought of that in the 0.819 seconds between when your balls got mangled and your head was caved in by a beam. Like, hi, I just got executed. Executed for the crime of human murder.
Not good. Not good at all.
Nasty business that. Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Go on in. Tell Trish A for me. Thank you. Someone call for a stab taxi. This guy. What is it? Pancake balls? Ew. What else is new? Okay, sir. It's 4381 up front. Exact change only and I got a spit in your mouth a bunch of times. Ew. Weirds me out. |
TheOnion | Report_95_Of_Grandfathers_Got_Job_By_Walking_Right_Up_And_Just_Asking | And I walked right up to the owner and slammed my fist on the desk and said I'm your man This is William Chambers now a retired insurance salesman chambers is just one of over 95% of grandfathers who according to a new report from the Center of Business Intelligence Secured their first and only job by walking right up to the owner of a business and asking for a position right then And there so I said, mr.
Carmichael I know I don't have some fancy degree from Harvard But I am a reliable man, and I ain't scared of hard work He stood right up.
He shook my hand and said you come in first thing Monday morning according to the report nearly 36% of grandfathers claim that they found employment by entering a local business with nothing but a nickel in their pockets and a shirt on their backs 24% saw fine-looking marquee for a business and said someday my name is going to be on that sign and 40% of grandfathers said they waited all day in the company's waiting room snuck into the CEO's office the first chance they got and said Mr. McKinley, sir.
I'm your guy.
It just took gumption.
You didn't need some Fancy internship looking the boss dead in the eye and showing him you were a man that was your internship |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_9_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Now the news this week, Tony Abbott is still making headlines Del. Yeah Bruce he is, Uncle Tony, as he's begun to be commonly referred to now, has made news this week by leading a protest against a coal seam gas fracking operation on the Manly Dam. He really is a changed man isn't he? Yeah he certainly is, chanting, always was, always will be, Aboriginal land. The special envoy on Indigenous Australians led hundreds through the Manly Corso. He eventually chained himself to some machinery before chanting, can't eat coal, can't drink gas.
Geez that could land him in a bit of trouble with the cops, couldn't it Del? Well it isn't yet known if the respected Northern Beaches community elder will face repercussions for handcuffing himself to the hydraulic pumps, but fellow protesters worry he might face charges for his activism. Is that because of those Soviet-style anti-protest laws they've got down there? That's right, the NSW laws give police excessive new powers to stop, search and detain protesters, seize property and shut down peaceful protests that obstruct traffic. The offence of interfering with a mine carries a penalty of up to 7 years jail, so we'll be keeping an eye on what happens in the harbour city.
And only a couple of days after that, Uncle Tony was up in Brisbane causing a scene. Before the Wallabies match wasn't it Bruce? Yeah it was Del, his staffers actually had to physically restrain the Special Envoy to prevent him from doing the Welcome to Country before the game. Uncle Tony actually attempted to run onto the pitch to try and give the Welcome to Country as the crowd counted down to kick off. His media advisors told him that he wasn't the right man for the job before they dragged him up to the corporate box. Geez, Scott Morrison's getting his money's worth with Uncle Tony and Bruce back in town, a local apprentice has confirmed some rumours about himself this week.
Yeah that's right Del, one look at the young man's diet had confirmed what everyone had been expecting, that he's really getting into his Joe Rogan. Yeah he's just one of millions of young Australians who subscribe to the bro-scientific and intense hobbyist ideals of the American stand-up comedian, martial arts expert and podcast host. It's believed the young man named Keegan's interest in the iconic American social commentator came through the organic gateway that is a vague following of the UFC. That's resulted in a complete rebrand where he now is invested in cannabis product and has a distinct hatred for political correctness. He offered to send our reporter some very interesting links and also refused to confirm when he'd eat vegetables again. Yeah and it's been just over three weeks since the young man's last veggie. Yeah next stop Scurvy Del.
And elsewhere around town a local coward has confirmed to her friends this week that she and her degenerate cheater of a boyfriend are giving it another go. Yeah after a month of incessant messaging and Tony Robbins' motivational speeches consoling their heartbroken but cowardly friend, a group of girls has found out that it was all for nothing. And they unfortunately had to greet the news that their friend's relationship was back on with boldfaced lies. Oh babe I'm so glad you worked it out, said one friend before explaining to the advocate that it's far easier to lie and pretend that they support the decision than tell the truth.
It's a prickly situation that one, and in international news a teenage sweatshop worker has applauded her employer this week. Correct Wendell, the Indonesian fashion worker said she was very proud of the fact that her company Nike has decided to stand with the embattled NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. She told our Jakarta bureau she's passionate about her work at the Nike factory, putting in 14 hour days 6 days a week to bring insecure people around the world a talking point that can also be worn while running. She explained that when she comes to work she and the other employees can hold their heads high because her employer stands for what's right in the name of increasing brand awareness.
What a feel good story hey? Walk tall young lady, walk tall.
And in the sporting world it's been a not so feel good story that's been grabbing the headlines today hasn't it? No, iconic tennis player Serena Williams has been fine this week for behaving like an Australian. Yeah I mean not in the sense that she failed in the first few rounds of a major tournament but in the sense of throwing a tantrum. Yeah reaching a grand slam final is extremely un-Australian. She was fined $17,000 for the dummy spit which has divided the world, with some arguing that she was standing up against sexism and others criticising her for her behaviour. Margaret Court contacted us for comment this week saying pretty much exactly what you'd expect her to say about the incident. Needless to say we will not be repeating it.
Anyway that's it for the news right this week, thanks for tuning in. Don't forget the Advocate is going on tour so grab your tickets now. And please subscribe to the podcast to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hichco. And I'm Wendell Hussey. See you next week. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | reagan_brand_economics_saturday_night_live | Oh, dear. more rat tail gumbo, darling? Oh, come on. on this slop again? Why can't we have some real food on the table?
Harry, you haven't had a job in six months. Oh, look, I can't take this anymore. everything we work for has been wiped out. Hey, hold on, Harry.
Why so tense? Oh, hi, President Reagan. well, relax. well, I don't know. I guess it's this economy. my banker tells me the high interest rates and tight money are killing me.
Here, try some. Hey, wow. this trickle down theory is really something. cuts out a lot of the waste, doesn't it? Sure, it'll work. just give it time. enough rat tail gumbo for me? Oh, I'll say.
Thanks to Reagan Brand Economics, two of our three children are dead, and we sold the other one. Reagan Brand Economics from Washington, where the Dc stands for don't care. |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_and_putin_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Are you going to help? the movers are waiting on me. could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes? You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. but I guess you movin'' is more important than peace for Syria. Well, can you help me now? I wish I could, but I got to call the new Russian President. how convenient. Trust me. it's not like I don't want to help you get on your way.
Vladimir Putin. Putin. hey, it's Bill Clinton.
I was just calling to congratulate you. Well, it's good to hear from you. I'm just getting rid of some of Yeltsin's things. well, you know, I am glad to hear you got that job. I thought because of your affiliation with the Kgb, some people might be against you.
Oh, don't worry. those people are gone. Way gone, my friend.
Yes. well, I hope you win the election in March. Oh, I'll win. I will. my only competition is Gorbachev's kid, Mikhail W. Gorbachev. And believe me, the Russian people aren't stupid enough to vote for a guy just because he has his dad's name. the American people are. hey, hey, hold on a second. Yes, no, yes, you have a big job ahead of you. Sure. I know, I just fired Yeltsin's daughter.
I'm trying to trim some of the fat. you should try Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. good one, I get it.
No, seriously, Putin. I'm concerned about the conflict in Chechnya, and I'm also concerned about my Dilbert mob that stays here. Who's Dilbert? I'm sorry. As I was saying, I must stress my concern about the crisis in Chechnya.
Look, I know the war is wrong, but it gives the Russian people a reason to feel proud. Well, I don't think people should do something they know is wrong just because it makes them feel good.
I'm not the Look again, but I'm the Look. I'm going to New York now. Ok. I'm sorry, it's long distance. Do you need to go? No, it's cool. I am leaving and you won't see me for two months. don't you even want to say goodbye? Goodbye. Is that it? Pick a finger. pick a finger. I'm sorry. I'm kidding.
Hey, look, Putin, I got to go. I got to go.
Honey, I'm sorry. you're my wife, and I need to give you a proper goodbye. I want you to come here. good luck in all your future endeavors. Is that it? Yeah. one last thing. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
cracked | why_metroid_makes_no_damn_sense_escort_missions | Dude, do you interact with a single other person in this game or is it just space jellyfish? They're called metroids. Here. See?
I can just scan it. Now I know what they are, what they do, what their weak points are. I can scan anything. I can scan that pipe, but I don't want to.
So you're like a scientist tagging Galactic Wildlife Preservation? No. I'm an ex-soldier bounty hunter raised by bird people under the Galactic Federation. That's why my hand is a gun and not an endangered species list. If I had a robot suit, I'd make the hand a hand and just hold a gun.
Say that's a Dr. Light blast femur. What's with all the constant scanning? Just shoot at things. To help other people who might want to one day know that, for example, a blood flower can be defeated by a plasma blast or ice beam or killing its spores. And you needed a futuristic scanner to tell you that you could kill flowers by shooting it with your powerful space gun. Yeah, and now I know that. What a glorious age we live in in this particular game. And what do the metroids do?
They suck the life out of him. Life? That's extremely vague. You know, life force. Your spirit, your soul, or the force. Whatever undetectable, intangible energy to which you subscribe. Oh, you're talking about ghost juice.
Okay, so there's a war between you and space jellyfish. You want to take over the galaxy? No. The metroids aren't intelligent or sentient enough to wage a galactic war. The life-sucking is just how they survive. They're essentially mindless parasites, like headlights or the Kardashians. But if they're not attacking you or trying to take over the galaxy, then why not just leave them alone? No. I have to destroy them all.
They're being genetically modified and used as bio weapons by space pirates. They just huck them at their enemies, and then just by being around them, their enemies get their souls sucked out. Did you just say genetically modified by space pirates? Yeah. They do all kinds of experiments in their labs, space pirates.
Go figure. No, no. I will not go figure because you're describing scientists.
Ridley. Samus's nemesis. Samus's.
And leader of the other reptilian space pirates who are also scientists. Who genetically modified jellyfish who siphon off your good vibes until you die.
Mostly correct. Close enough for Galactic Federation work. And the Galactic Federation decided to send one dude to take care of it, like one guy to school them all. Actually, Samus is a woman. Oh. Well, that's great. Good for them.
Well, yes and no. At the very end of the first game, Samus takes off her suit to reveal that, whoa, it's a woman. But the way they showed that was by prominently featuring her boobs in a skimpy bikini. I mean, those things were like eight, 10 pixels across each. So the first depiction of a badass female in video games was still just a stereotypical gamer sex fantasy?
Yeah. But she was the first, so you know. Ten points to feminism. You have unlocked the achievement societal trailblazer. Oh, also she can do this. You're a ball. Yep. All right.
Hey, how else am I supposed to fit through the pipes? Not by scanning them.
Tell you that much. You got a lot to learn. You must understand. Don't fear.
How are you not dead now? Your skeleton must be in pieces. All skeletons are in pieces.
You know what I mean, man. You're a human adult. Demand that your entertainment makes sense. It's called my morph ball. So you've turned into a tiny metal morph ball in order to take down space pirate dragon scientists who are throwing prana-sucking jellyfish at you. Yeah, in a bikini wrapped in a robot. Go figure. Can I play? No.
Hey everyone, hope you liked that episode of the escort mission. I'm aware I'm in a very different setting than you're used to. So please below in the comments why don't you talk about like different places we could take the show. Like if we did you know a vacation episode where they sent Greg and I away on company expense of course. It's like anywhere in the world. Where would you send us to sit in the hotel room and play video games and film it? That would be fun. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Promise_A_Super_Plan_Labor_Hard_At_Work_More_May_20 | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, I'm Wendell Hussey introducing the bulletin today. You'll notice there is no Clancy overall. Errol Parker's not here either, it is myself and Effie Bateman jumping into the booth the day before the federal election to wrap up what has been happening over the last few days. Errol Parker is off hosting a debate for our local member David Littleproud, he's debating whoever it is he's running against here in Maranoa, I'm not actually sure who they are but Littleproud holds a 28 or something percent safety buffer here in the Channel Country so Errol's doing that and Clancy overall is off at lunch with the local Mayor Keith Carton. So it is myself and Effie bringing you the big stories from the last few days, Effie how are you? Yeah doing really well Wendell, really well, looking forward to the weekend. Yeah well I'm looking forward to Saturday night coming and going because I have had enough of this election shit to be honest with you. Me too. We might be having a minority government so I could drag out for another few weeks but hopefully not, hopefully we get a bit of finality on Saturday night and a bit of a break because it feels like it has started to fatigue everyone. We do have to start off with the bigger stories and they were political stories in the week before an election, the first headline reads like this.
Prime Minister who went to Hawaii for a two week beach holiday in the middle of record breaking bushfires and then lied to media by denying he'd ever left the country until he was caught out lying because he couldn't resist getting a photo with some Aussie tourists on Waikiki beach at sunset forcing him to admit that he had fled the country but defending his decision by first blaming his wife and kids and then eventually losing his temper and saying I don't hold a hose mate before promising he would come back as soon as could be arranged which ended up being like a week later because he felt that he deserved the luxury of finishing his overseas holiday while 483 people died and over 400 people lost their homes has promised Australians that he will change. It's Prime Minister Scott Morrison promising to change there Effie. I've had a man promise to change before.
Did it happen? No it really didn't, you can't believe him.
Look that's good to know strong commitment from the bulldozer there. Yeah given he bulldozed the kids shortly after those comments we'll just have to wait and see if he'll stick to his word. Yeah insiders have actually revealed that Jenny caught Scott Morrison searching for flights to Hawaii and the weather in Hawaii and best pizza restaurants in Hawaii on his work computer so maybe a little bit of a Pinocchio commitment there by the sounds of things. Well look I'm going to be honest there are worse things that you could find on your husband's search history. Yeah very true very true he must be must be true to his Christian faith he's just looking at that sort of stuff. I once went on my family grandfathers and I didn't know that he was you know appreciated different cultures so much yeah very enlightening. That's the beauty of the internet it brings these things to people.
Well let's pray for the best now the Liberal Party has launched their campaign last weekend and unveiled a signature housing policy obviously that policy gained a lot of traction but it was a more underrated exclusive that we got that really raised eyebrows. That was the Prime Minister revealing he plans to allow people to also use their super to secure a burial plot for when they die in poverty. Yeah this campaign has been calling out for some decent policy and we've finally got it. The government is promising to allow Australians to deep dive into the money they are supposed to survive on in retirement to secure themselves a bit of land they can actually spend eternity in.
Something from outside the box so good to see I reckon and when you think about it you're going to spend way more time in that box. Outside the box for inside the box. You know what it's not a bad investment.
Now crossing over to the other side of politics and the Labor Party have called an emergency meeting to discuss how they can still fuck this up. Yeah it's exciting times at Labor HQ after months and months of leading in the polls and the election now as we go to air only a day away. The people on the red team of politics are trying to figure out how they can butcher this one as well obviously they've butchered the last few so they're hoping to try and find a way to make this one go the way of elections past. Some of the ideas floated have been Anthony Albanese going for a run and making sure the press capture him running in an uncomfortable style. Also tossing up maybe changing border protection policies and going hard on some other housing policies like actually coming up with a housing policy that would stop boomers from making lots of money off of human rights. I reckon do the death tax bring that in. They're considering maybe dropping that on the eve of the election.
They've still got less than 24 hours I believe I believe in them. Yeah yeah so we'll look we'll see what they can do they've got the brains trust all they're trying to figure this out. Bill Shorten as well obviously chipping in with some good ideas so see what they can do.
Right now finishing up with some news you should know if you haven't already voted but the Australian Electoral Commission is warning that democracy sausages might be a little bit smaller this year due to the cold weather. Yes that's right there's a forecast for little chipolatas but not because of the food shortages Effie that we've seen in recent times. No no this is a different kind of food shortage it's because the cold snap that has hit many parts of the nation and it's apparently causing a little bit of shrinkage but they are sure you know everyone's still going to be satisfied it's all about quality not quantity. Yeah right I'm sure there'll be plenty of claims from people serving up democracy sausages that they are growers not showers you know they'll grow they'll grow yeah. And if if you know they're a little bit peckish just there's a bit of finger food there too. Yeah so look though they can work that out and regardless I'm sure there'll be lots of fucking AUSpol followers on Twitter chortling about having a democracy sausage like they never had a sauce get a sandwich before in their life so I look forward to seeing all of those cringe posts.
Alright if you haven't voted all the best if you have well done and let's get through this weekend day talk soon bye bye. Bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Some_Baby_Steps_A_Truck_Driver_Gets_Political_A_Dark_Decision_More_September_2 | Hello and welcome back to another Battuta Advocate weekly bulletin, my favourite. And with me this week, well I'm Errol Parker if this is the first one you've listened to, I'm the editor-at-large of the Battuta Advocate. And with me today is Effie Bateman. Hey, how are you doing? Good, good, yeah, no, it's just us this week, I know most people tune in to hear Clancy pontificate about what he thinks of the world and young Wendell too, he's got acute appendicitis today so he's probably going to be listening to this one in recovery and if he doesn't, then... Got a bit of a cursed office at the moment. Well yeah, you know, all of us are getting older, none of us are getting younger, you know, I'm obviously more susceptible to getting COVID than most people in this office for, you know, my own health reasons of course, but it's not worth bringing up now. What is it, a walking comorbidity is what someone's quoted to have called you? A walking comorbidity, yes, well that's good to know, that's what the staff is saying behind my back, but anyway, what's making news this week other than my own impending death according to everyone?
Well speaking of someone's impending death, Leonardo DiCaprio has moved from used by to best before, breaking up with his girlfriend three months after her 25th birthday, that is despite him being almost 50. Yes, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, must be some sort of Italian, has come under fire this week for dumping his girlfriend, though this time she actually managed to get to the age of 25, which is a, I guess it's a small improvement. Yeah, baby steps, for those who aren't aware DiCaprio is known for his very strict dating criteria of refusing to date anyone older than a quarter of a century, with the average age being just 22. Yes, well I guess the only 22 year olds that want to get married and settle down are Christians. As always, these cases prompt a slew of gross divorce boomers to announce that old men are simply, quote, biologically wired to chase barely legal gorgeous women, despite themselves having nothing to offer except a lifetime of broken dreams and an addiction to alcohol. Who knows, he might surprise everyone one day and go for an octogenarian, might even the stats. Yeah, well he might do the old Keanu Reeves, but I don't think anyone is holding his or her breath, I should say, and also making news, another article regarding gender and how it's just a social construct and whatnot.
This headline was, the gender pay gap is a myth, says bloke who earns $190,000 a year driving a big Tonka truck. A Gold Coast man has this week destroyed the gender pay gap myth, as he reckons there's absolutely nothing stopping sheilas from working in male dominated industries such as construction or mining. Yes, if you can forget about the whole boys club culture or increased chances of copping sexual harassment and bullying, there is really nothing stopping women from doing FIFO work. Economists are yet to respond to the devastating news, but it's now believed childcare workers on $20 an hour aren't getting paid more than Brenton's shit break going forward.
And up next with some local news, and a woman with a fake tan addiction reckons looking like Woolies Tiger Bread is better than being pale. Well, it looks like we've got the young woman trifecta here on the Batut of your weekly news bulletin, Batut of Heights woman, Courtney O'Dell reckons she'd rather look like she has a terrible skin disorder rather than being, god forbid, pale. Yuck. Yes, despite tans only everlasting three days before looking like absolute shit, mostly because she never exfoliates or moisturises beforehand and tries to coat herself in three minutes flat, Courtney is completely fine having a streaky, patchy, uneven tan and orange palms, and staining her bed sheets too. Yeah, and all the wild men just get to go out and get sunburned and end up looking like they're 50 when they're 40. Exactly, and not having the dreaded sock tan.
No, and another thing that's making news in regards to socks, another man, a business owner says it's hard to find staff, even though it's much harder to pay them properly. Yeah, so poor Batut of Heights publican has found himself struggling to find staff, though it has absolutely nothing to do with the abysmal working conditions or poor pay, apparently. Yes, Matt Frank from McGurdy's Irish Pub reckons, there's just not enough people looking for jobs right now because they all must have returned home during the pandemic. Of course, he's referring to the backpackers who are, you know, more than likely to be in a desperate situation abroad and are more likely to accept cash-in-hand jobs. Despite offering perks such as the option to choose one Saturday off a month and giving staff a 10% discount on meals, Matt still finds himself having trouble getting any takers. Did you think that Aussies must be entitled and lazy? Yeah, well not too many Australians like to accept cash-in-hand jobs, no, I guess it's a job from a bygone era.
But until next week, my name is Errol Parker. And I'm Effie Bateman, have a good weekend. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amy_fisher_saturday_night_live | And here with us now, just released from prison, the Long Island Lolita herself, Amy Fisher. Colin, Wow, it is so great to be out. I Mean, you don't know how good it feels to finally put on my old cutoffs and see through halter top and stroll around the neighborhood like a regular person. I Mean, some of you may know that I have an interest in fashion. So I Got this killer idea to open up my own little boutique and sell really, really classy tearaway underwear. I Understand fashion is a very competitive business, you know. I'm aware of that, Colin. Okay, but I'm very focused and I'm not afraid to ring a few doorbells when I get what I want, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong. You know, Amy, a lot of those little boutiques go under in the first year, just. I have a very positive mental outlook, Colin, okay? I'm so freaking optimistic, it's scary, ding, dong, ding, dong. Now, Mary Jo Butterfooko Helped you get out of jail. Have You two become close? Oh, Mary Jo, she's cool, Met's and Met's. I mean, you know, we talk and she's a real class act, but, you know, since she moved to LA and now she knows all these new classy people, I figure she needs another friend like she needs a hole in her head. Oh. I mean, I mean another hole in her head. Now, a lot of people are wondering if there's a new man in your life. Colin, I've been home for 24 hours, okay? Of Course there is. See, I Got my eye now on this nice Irish Catholic boy. I know where you're going with this, Amy, but I already have a girlfriend. Oh, really? Where does she live? Richie. Oh, I Just wanna know where she lives. I Went to talk to her. Amy Fisher, everybody! That's all I wanna talk to her about! Amy Fisher. Oh. |
dropout | don_t_make_me_hold_your_baby | Here he is! Here, why don't you hold him, Gary? Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, don't be shy. Please don't make me hold your... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna fuck this up. Look at Gary with the baby.
It's moving. Is it supposed to be moving?
Why did you do this to me? I gotta get a picture of this. Don't do this. Please don't do that. I can't smile and hold life at the same time.
Don't you just love babies? Yes, I do. What? This is a thin sack of vital organs and responsibility. Gary, everyone loves holding babies. What if I drop it? We trust you.
Why? Why would you trust me?
This is the most valuable, fragile thing you have. Do you want to see the most valuable and fragile thing I have?
This, this is my baby. Look at it. This is what I'm gonna do to your baby. I think he likes you.
I can't handle this. He spent nine months making a miracle, and I'm gonna fuck it up in one second. Okay, my turn. Are you crazy, woman? Do you have any idea how uncoordinated I am? I spill coffee on myself every morning. I don't even trip or anything.
I'm just thinking hard about dogs. Gary's being a baby hog. Yeah, he is. I'm not being a baby hog.
I hate babies. I hate this baby.
Come here. There's no escape for me. The longer I stand here, the more likely I am to drop this baby. If I try to give it to anyone, I'm even more likely to drop it. Even just standing here, I'm being a bad influence.
I am talking so loud, guys. I am teaching it anger and fear and everything that's bad in the world. Oh, my God.
I never realized he has Jeff's eyes. Yep, I recognize these babies.
I don't anyone listen to me. Why would you ever give me a baby? Why would anyone ever want to do this?
I broke it. I broke your baby. I broke it.
Someone fix this.
Someone's feeling a little fussy. All right. All right, I'm a little fussy. I can't. Oh, my goodness. I guess everything's fine.
What did you do? My baby! Hey, guys, if you liked that video, click the little baby to subscribe. I did it again! Why did I keep giving me babies? Why? |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_10_things_i_hate_about_you | ["I love you baby, and if it's quite alright, I need you baby, to warm a lonely night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say..." 10 Things I Hate About You. Gill Younger's classic 90's rom-com about how to coerce a marching band into doing your bidding. Here's some fun facts that will change the way you watch 10 Things I Hate About You forever. 10 Things launched the acting careers of superstars like Heath Ledger, Julia Stiles, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, as well as the actuarial career of this man. ["I burn, I pine, I perish." The film is based on Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew, which is plagiarism and therefore illegal. In order to get into the twisted mind of Patrick Verona, Heath Ledger stayed in character as the Joker for the entire duration of filming. ["Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?" The film was so successful at the box office, it spawned a chain of themed fast-casual restaurants throughout the Midwest. Here's a little bit of cinema history. 10 Things I Hate About You was the first movie to show what time it is.
["What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?" Did you know?
Heath Ledger beat out Newt Gingrich for the role of Patrick Verona. Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles were actually dating during filming, and this moment was inspired by Ledger popping a sheep's gallbladder against her head on their real-life first date. ["It's not every day you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention." David Krumholtz won an Oscar for his moving portrayal of a man who tragically has a dick drawn on his face. ["I have a dick on my face, don't I?" Heath Ledger trained intensely in order to get this scene right. He spent months breaking into high school stadiums across California and then sprinting away from their security. Now that's commitment. ["You're not as vile as I thought you were."
OK, this is embarrassing. The wardrobe team messed up big time in this scene by having all the extras wear the same shirt. Come on, guys. Try a little harder. And how about this special effects debacle? When Kat rams into Joey's convertible in this scene, both cars were supposed to explode. Instead, this happened. Looks like somebody screwed up big time. ["Whoops."
Literature buffs, here's one just for you. This scene is a subtle reference to Shakespeare's first play, Three Hour Frog Dissection. Pretty cool. The name of the movie comes from the bittersweet poem that Kat writes about Osama bin Laden at the end of the film. ["But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all."
And here's some final on-set gossip. During filming, this fish was mad at this fish. That's all the trivia I've got for now. Hope you learned some things you didn't know about this 90s classic. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_mckinnon_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kate Mckinnon. thank you for coming. I know it's cold. my name's Kate. Hi.
I used to work here, and now I'm back at my old job. This is weird. it's so weird to be doing the monologue. I don't really like to talk in my own voice. that's kind of why I got into this racket in the first place. Ever since I left this job, because my skin was reacting poorly to the prosthetics, I've been trying to assemble a human personality, And so far I have a hat. it's a good hat. it's a strong hat. But yeah, basically I've never been myself in a monologue before.
I usually played the role of freak next to hot person, like this. or this. there's this. what about that? Yeah, yeah. awesome. I don't know. I've always felt more comfortable in a weird costume, except for my junior prom. went middle of the road for that one. Check this out. Sorry, Richard. that feeling when your date shows up in a Renfaire dress and is gay and is me. poor sluck. since I've left the show, I've been extremely busy injecting my cat with subcutaneous renal support fluids. yeah, been a big year. I was also in the Barbie movie. played a character called weird Barbie. I walked in on the first day, and they were like, oh my god, you look perfect. And I was like, these are my clothes. any fun. you're here.
I'm here. might as well sing something. So piano piece. kind of thought it'd be bigger, but this is fine. the truth is, I was required to sing. I said to Lauren, I don't sing. and he said, it's Christmas. So I will sing the thing I left on his voicemail after he asked me to host. I'm home for Christmas.
I live close. it'll be easy for me. feed me figs and make me wigs. reactivate my Id. you know, I still have my Nbc Id badge. I wasn't really playing. they took the picture on my first day at Snl. I'll let you be the judge of how that went. But the best part about coming back here is definitely running into old friends. What? We were just walking by. I was in the middle of the monologues. well, honey, who isn't? it's great to see you guys, really. Oh, it's so good to see you. and it is so great to be back, so many memories. you know, I looked myself up on Wikipedia the other day, as I do every day. and it said, I live in over 38,000 sketches here. 38,000.
I don't know if Wikipedia is the most reliable. I think it is Kate, because it clearly says I've also won 12 Grammy awards and I'm dating Travis Kelsey. And my Wikipedia says I've won 29 Grammys and I'm married to Jay-z. you guys, do you ever check the name at the top of the page? no. I don't think that's a thing. shall we sing? let's sing that. let's sing.
Christmas Eve will find us where the love light glows. We came home for Christmas. it's time to start the show. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michele_bachmann_on_her_campaign_ending_snl | After a sixth-place finish in Tuesday's Iowa Caucus, Michelle Bachman announced that she was dropping out of the race here. Now to comment on her campaign, Michelle Bachman.
So, Congresswoman, how do you feel now that it's over? Seth, While I'm disappointed that my campaign has come to a close, I am also looking forward to resting, to spending some time at home, and most of all, to blinking for the first time since this all started. You haven't blinked since this campaign started? I have not. would you like to now? I would love to. there it is. those babies were dry.
Oh, this is so nice. it's like my pupils are in a waterfall and mama like. Well, that's great. I'm so glad that's good for you.
Now, at points during your campaign, you alluded to the fact that God sent you the message that you should run for President. Yes, Seth, But what I haven't said until now is that God sent me that message via text, and I'm starting to think it was a mass text. Oh, so like a group text that he sent to a lot of other people. Yeah, that's what I fear, Seth, because when I texted him and then he texted me back, asking for clarification as to what the Iowa results meant, he wrote back, new Phone, who's this? Oh, yeah, that's a mass text.
Yeah, that's what it is. Do you mind if I shut them again for a second, Seth? yeah, sure, of course. You don't mind? no. this is how we do it. Oh, you have to try this, Seth. it's like my eyes are eating a peppermint patty. that is great.
Now, Congresswoman, you won the Ames, Iowa straw poll in August of this year, which many see as an indicator of success come caucus time. were you surprised by your sixth place finish? I was as surprised as the time my husband, Marcus, and I found a box full of adult mail magazines under his workbench. It was such a mystery at first, but now I realize only one person could have put them there. Barack Obama. Marcus.
Do you mind if I take one more sweet taste of sweet, sweet eyelid? You can blink whenever you want. I'm gonna say I'm gonna sum up. if you haven't, Seth, you simply have to try that. No, everybody blinks all the time.
Any final message? simply to the Iowa voters, I want to say thank you. I so enjoyed my time with you, and in turn, I hope you enjoy a future that will be littered with death panels, re-education camps, and forced immunizations, all ending in a rainy and nuclear bomb that will bring about the rapture, saving me and leaving you all to ask yourselves, what if? Michelle Bachman, everybody. thanks for coming. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_The_2023_NRL_Soap_Opera_with_Willie_Mason_Scope | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, you've got both editors here, Clancy and Errol this week and we're excited by the podcast we have for you today because we've got what we now view as the ultimate authorities in rugby league having listened to every single one of their podcasts since they formed the levels podcast.
It's been a big season, been a big season for the boys, Mason Scope thanks for joining us. Thanks for having us lads.
What we want to do is to talk today about what we used to do is we'd sit down with the hella sport boys and we'd go over all the scandals. Obviously we can't do that now because we've come to know so many of the players and they're all implicated. It hasn't been that many to be honest. The loosest ever season was 2018 right, that was like the schizophrenic one. Who's part of that gang? Ah fuck what was happening, we had all kinds of shits. It was when cocaine was just fully, fully public in the NRL. Like no one did, it wasn't hidden anymore, it wasn't this thing in the off season it was just like hey, boys are tearing in. Is that the glory of rooster days, like Kenny Dales of the world? I'm thinking no no, because it was Matt Lodge and shit, like real hectic, almost international news scandals and there was so much going on.
Oh lodgy, that didn't help us. Nah, lodgy, nah.
The New York one. Oh was that 18? Yeah. Oh that was, that's a big year then. We could do a story with the hella sport boys, it was like the top 20 scandals and we went through it all. There was also that one up in Newy where someone's fucking gone to a fight with someone's brother and broke his leg. That's right, I think it was Barnett. Yeah yeah. Was it? Yeah.
I was away in 18. I was in Superleaks too in 18 so I missed a lot of those. Yeah I was travelling in 18 but there was a lot happening.
So now what we're going to do is talk about the narratives with you boys, because you guys know narratives. Scope, you're obviously quite a particular punter on all range of sports, including the ones you've played. And Mace, you have been the villain. You have been the narrative. Big Willy era, when they were fucking hounding you, you've seen every single fucking tactic, every single fucking yarn they've tried to spin about you.
It was actually quite funny today, like watching, I think it was a little bit of a kerfuffle at Belmore. Belmore?
Yeah yeah yeah. So I was like, unless there's fucking helicopters flying over Belmore with Danny Weidler hanging outside and nobody gives a shit, you're not going to really get there. I come in there, just walked in there and there was a few little cameras here and there. I'm like, there's fucking kiddies. There's a kitty. I sat there and talked to Bobcat and Olga and went, do you remember they had a fucking helicopter coming over the top?
Because we locked Belmore down a couple of times, fucking some scandals going on. And yeah, full lockdown in Belmore, you can't do that anymore.
So they'd be hanging over the rafters and shit, it was like, it was crazy. They'd get you for shit, like they'd get you for petty stuff in the end, like Willie Mason took a piss out front of the RSL.
The whole narrative, they controlled the narrative for years and they end up finding out, oh, he's actually a nice guy. He's actually a decent bloke.
They're like, fuck it. He's doing a piss behind the double bay, like the sheaf with the whole team, but I'm the only one doing a piss, right? Just real petty shit. And I was just like, do your best, you know what I mean? Misdemeanor.
Yeah, there wasn't like hectic shit that they tried to get me on, it was just like, I just wasn't that sort of person, like I was just like a normal bloke who'd have a good time. But then they'll be like, he's the only guy, busted, what if it wasn't spotted? Remember it was spotted, like Buzz spotted walking out of a nightclub at 6am. Yeah, fuck, I was with like 10 blokes, but they just wouldn't name them. It'd be from AFL, it'd be fucking soccer players, it'd be like, it was the who's who. It was who's who of like, just sport. I'm the only one who gets named, I'm like, I'm just that whipping boy and I'm like, I don't give a fuck what they're saying anyway.
Do you think that their tactics have changed? I feel like they're lacking a lot of class nowadays. Like Sonny Bill going to Toulon and all that kind of stuff, at worst it was like a bit of bullying. But it didn't leave that taste in your mouth, like it wasn't like, nowadays what they're doing is a lot like what the AFL have always done. Like the way they're fucking using players as punching bags is kind of like how they went after Favola or Benny Cousins or Goodsy, you know what I mean? And now the NRL journals are doing that and it kind of feels different, it feels like it's quite nasty. It's not genuine, it's like it's not, these guys haven't really fucked up, but they're making a case like they've killed someone. But look what they're trying to do to Lui or Latrell or anything like that, if they step out of line you think that they've fucking stabbed someone.
You know what I mean? And look at what they're doing, they're just playing. Or they tweet something, or they've like Lui's thing after the origins, like the biggest thing in the world. Dude just said his feelings, that's about it. I just, yeah, it's pretty cheap, but that's just the way journalism is these days. Because they can't control the narrative, so what they've got to come after you with is just like headlines. And it's like, because they know these guys have a shitload of followers, hundreds of thousands of followers that support them, as soon as they jump on their platform, it shuts that shit down. So like Fox Sports and The Telegraph and Sun Herald, they've got to come at you like really harsh, and make it sound harsh, but really it's just pretty petty really. Yeah. Call Me Daddy, that was so classic, that like that premiership shit the Panthers boys were doing. But they were like, that was disgrace, they lack class, they need to fuck this and that. Who gives a fuck, they're a bunch of drunk 20-somethings who just won a premiership. That's what they'll say to each other when they're playing like con games and shit, right? Like that's just part of their lingo.
But it's everything tight on social media. You've got, you know, all these fans and followers that the players have got now. So they've got a hundred, potentially a hundred thousand followers on Instagram. So if you go against a Jerome Law or Latrell Mitchell of the world, they know the media already, they've got potentially a hundred thousand people, they're going to stick up for them.
And read it. They're going to read their articles. And then you can almost find that on the other side.
So they're just chasing likes, clicks. And it's only getting worse and worse for social media. But it's pretty petty. Like when they're only chasing the clicks, the clickbait, the views and all that sort of shit.
I only sort of knew about that kind of stuff because Lukie's fucking taught me. You know what I mean? I don't give a shit about it.
Anything like that. We do have podcasts to say what the fuck I'm going to say. Get out of there. Done. Yeah.
And because I guess you could argue that you could do the fucking rage bait, which is what they do. Or you could do the authentic thing, which is what you guys do. And you still get the people coming to it because that's what they're after is fucking analysis, really.
They're not after fucking shock jocks. The levels has taken off. We're not shock jocks. We sit there. We analyze the game. We have a bit of fun with it. It's a bit of a serious show, but it's a fun show as well, where we're not going after the narrative all the time and trying to like fucking bag the game.
That's all it is. You watch it so fucking negative when I see some of these shows, especially on like fucking 360 Institute. I'm like, fuck. I don't know if you watch it because Brace on it. He's my boy. All the rest of them are fucking...
They're angry old men.
Like, what happened to you? It seems real desperate. The public's almost like, you know, amusing these guys like a drunk old uncle. I don't know. They're kind of like, ah, what are you doing?
That's the way they're viewed, right? Like, if you listen to the comments or read the comments now and then listen to a lot of the chat, it's basically no one really takes it. It's more entertaining for people. No one really takes it like all that seriously, especially when they go on the tangents. I honestly think like, just say with Buzz and even PK when he was on there and Reedy and all these, Riccio who's on there now, I don't think they read the comments because if they did, they don't know how, but if they did it and they were like, it'd be like what Hoz just said, they get fucking hammered because they don't, because the current, the 25 year old kid now doesn't think that you're telling the truth. He knows you're not, they're not idiots anymore.
Right? You know what I mean? So they read it and it's like, oh, shut up, Buzz. You know, he's falling off his chair. This, this, this. Shut up.
There was this one, after one origin, when Gaskeld first got his Twitter account, he's like, he's like, oh, I've never in my day read such disgusting, disgraceful things in my life. He said, none of you would say that to my face, so bugger it, I'm off this website. You can shove it up your arse. I seriously think that the invention of social media and smartphones has been bad for humanity. He gets so sensitive from a bloke who's been sitting at the editor. I said this a couple of weeks ago, these guys who are proper O, triple O, G fucking journos, right? Back in the day, they were the only guys who were allowed to say something, like, they've probably gotten their feelings in their ego. They're like, how dare you say something guy from Twitter who didn't go to fucking journos.
It was always a one way fucking thing. So they controlled it. He's the editor. He controls that paper forever. So all of a sudden changed the whole narrative.
You got these fucking idiots from wherever they want, how old they are, who cares? Nobody taking the piss out of everybody. And there's no rules. He's like, oh, fucking, you know, like he doesn't know what to do. Back in the day, Gus didn't have to read comments from Panthers suck 69.
It's fucking hilarious. That's what social media has done is giving everybody a fucking little platform so they can have a crack. So either get off it or just stay off it or just join the fucking pack.
It's interesting because it's a saturated space and not many people know what they're talking about. And we know that how a sport boys angle is armchair experts and that's why we love them because they're giving us like the full kind of, you know, sit at home point of view. You guys are players and you're watching the young guys come through.
You've seen it all before. Maybe there's a few developments that you haven't seen. Like maybe there's a few things in the game now.
What would you say that is? Is that like the six again rule? Six playing in playing in that the pace. The pace. Yeah. And they just become bigger, faster, stronger. Yeah.
Me and Mace retired similar, 16 Mace, me 19 over in the super league games changed so much. Like I can't even picture myself playing in it now. And then the social media aspect of it was massive compared to, no we're near the screen. Mace and like a 23 year old Mace on social media right now would be as good as it ever would be. I'd have a helium follow. It would be Mace versus Trell for like the most polarizing and an old Mace for sure. As I said, it's the society has changed obviously completely.
There's pressure everywhere, right? From everybody. From the clubs, to your friends, to everyone, everyone has that.
But it's the game, the pace of the game as I just said, it's ridiculous right now. You really need to have like, be like a heptathlete or some shit and just do a decathlete, be unreal at 10 things, you know what I mean? Like it's- Where as you guys just got to truck it up or fuck it. Yeah, it was just a little bit more old school. It was like, it was frenetic. It was fucking, it was fast as shit.
But it was like that six to go rule. The six to go rule. It's fucking sped it up so much and I'm just like, we did, we did, we did like a percentage on like the penalty on tackle four and the next one that leads to a try.
That lasts probably one or two sets, you know what I mean? So I was like, once that go, once that rule come in, I was like, oh, because that'll hit you mentally, right? Yeah. Because you've been doing like defense, defense, defense, trying to build into it. And the next time someone goes bang, fourth tackle hit, you could either go one way or the other. Yeah. Fuck you into your mate or like, come on, come on, let's rip it again. Like you get two people. Yeah. You don't know. People might be on there for 23, 25 minutes, 39 minutes straight or like 10 minutes.
You don't know how people are going to deal with it. And it's a mental side of things where I can't, you can't coach that under distress. I don't know how you're going to act like when, because you can't coach him into this distress, right?
Yeah. A little bit like that.
But I'm like, I don't know how you're going to act in the 29th minute when you've been on the whole time and all mates comes off the bench for four minutes and let's, you know, a couple of four tackle penalties. You want to kill him. You don't know who you want to kill. You got to tackle, but you want to kill your mate as well.
It's a bit like what they do to people when they join the SAS, you know, like they terrorize them and they push you to the limit and then they break you. It's like, it's hard to like train like that.
We did a couple of army camps.
But you can only, I reckon for what you're saying, you can only really do one of them like as a footy team. I reckon. Yeah. I know Melbourne do it and Melbourne have been the same, right?
Because I did one, a Parramatta and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And I was like, so rewarding. I went away from it going, this is the best ever.
And then I did another one, another team a little bit later on. And it was the same message early on, you shit, you fucking can't do anything, you're not a team. And then by the end of it, you've got it through it. You know, you're stuck together, you're a fucking team. You know, like you can, the second time they were trying to break me, I was going, this has really been done on me through using it. Well that's why Wayne Bennett only makes you do them once.
Yes. Yeah.
Because you only need to get broken, like trying to get broken once. So you get through that and then you're done. So in Warnie's book, he wrote about this time that they got taken, like the Australian test cricket squad got taken to go and do a camp like that before an ashes.
And like, of course, one, he was like, I take eight steps and then roll my arm over and I stand at first fucking slip and I have a little bit of a bat. Why the fuck do I have to carry a jerrycan of water up a sand dune? He was like, this is absolute bullshit.
Like, like sure, the top five and probably gilly can go and get a bit fitter. That's fine. But me, I don't need, I'm at peak physical condition for what I do. You need that in rugby league, right? As they say, as camps, you need it. But cricket, not a chance.
He's exactly right. But you said last time we spoke, you wouldn't even do the preseason when you were at that certain level. You're like, oh god. You do like six, six to eight weeks and like Wayne was, he was the coach, right? Because he knows you do the business, like you train, your runs are on the board. You've earned that right. You're still training with the team. You're just not doing like the full amount, you just do what you're doing. Not saying that you don't have days off, you just have, just say some teams, the younger kids are just getting absolutely flogged, you just do something off, something else to stay off your legs. This is smart.
Like, it isn't like over winter, they went and got like winks out of her stable and made her do these big runs. They just kept her in good nick.
You've got to earn the right for that, Wayne only gives that to the people. It doesn't matter even if you play, 10 years, you know what I mean? If you have just a toilet, you're still doing preseason. You've got to earn the right. You'll be on kangaroo tools and played origin and he needs to trust you. So you go, okay, well, I trust you doing this because I know you're going to do the business on the field. I played 10 years, I still did every single day of preseason. Put it that way.
I never got a day off.
I want to talk now, growing up playing footy, if you never made it professionally, which we were very unlucky to not make rugby league professionally, there's always archetypes when you're playing up. Borehogs, obviously, you know, we all knew about the Borehog, but when we watch you guys playing and you know, everyone playing as a team, we see this in this way that it's presented to us nowadays where, you know, everyone's fit and everyone's training and everyone's like, what are the archetypes that exist in the locker room now? And it'd be interesting to hear someone who's working with the younger blokes too, Mase, like, do you have the, are there bludgers still in the game?
Yeah, there is. Yeah. People who just don't do the work. Yeah. They're the guys that are in the system and they won't be, they won't reach their potential. Yeah. Right. Because they're there because of their potential. Right. But well, they won't reach it because they won't push for it. Yeah.
Like there's a lot of guys in first year, I'm like, if you only just like really ripped in, like maxed out for like every set and like a whole preseason, you could play for like Australia and stuff like you could see that potential, right? Because they're in the system. You don't get to that level without having talent, right? But it's a fine line when they're about 21, 22, they're sitting there like, if you really just like concentrate on like rugby league, made it your whole life, you could go like that. Or you can just easily go like that because the next lot are coming up, right? 17, 18, 19 year olds are coming through SG ball, built like you, play like you.
What's the difference, right? Yeah. And they're dumber than you.
It's the mind, right? It's the mindset.
So there's still art. There's still art.
There's a heap of them. I'm not even going to say, it's not like everyone's a fitness freak at the moment. You watch the game and it looks quick as hell and everything like that. You can't get blokes that many blokes so you can deal with that. There's a lot of guys in reserve grade with a lot of talent that aren't willing to do the work. The proper work.
Do you still have ball hogs? No, not really. Because you just get on video like, why didn't you pass it? Do you know what I mean? There's no more of that.
You'll get it sometimes. It's like, and he'll have an excuse. I thought he was going to fall for the dummy. Well, three on two. You get it at the low grades, but then as you progress and get through. Because they're trying to get noticed.
You can't get better. You can't improve if you're not playing as a team.
And the games are hard. Games are hard.
You can't do it. Indefensively you can't do it.
You know what I mean? Like you got to rely on this guy. If you're not passing the ball, maybe you won't fucking help me out in the tackle. So you're going to get those guys. But not really. You've got to, especially with the blokes at the back of the forwards, you need to keep them happy or else you'll be fucking hurt. Yeah, you keep the big boys happy. If you're a nine, you're probably going to get more boar hogs at dummy half.
Because when they come on, they just want to run the ball, right? And it depends when they do come on, where like just say like Cookie or someone that comes on in origin, he'll just fucking run. Quick play ball run. Remember Craig Wing? Just fucking gets on and just runs. You got to just deal with Wingy. But you want Wingy to run, right?
Because you just don't know what the fuck he's doing anyway. But you want those guys to attack because that's when they play free-flowing rugby league, right? And that's what you want to see from these young kids, especially the nines. Just attack and see what you see.
But the Harry Grant's and Ben Hunt's in origin, there's no foot off the gas. They're just flat out, right? Which is great.
Where else, we tried to do it a little bit, just didn't work as good. What about suck-ups? You still got them coming around? Is that just too shame? No, no, no. They're always going to have them.
Every single person that you're talking about, they're in the club. Like these stereotypes. I see it. I'm like, why are you talking to the coach for? Guys that want to be captain or want to be in the leadership group that just aren't it, but they work their way towards it. The best captains are the ones that don't want the gig. And then there are guys that you can tell that just proper froth it, like wannabe leaders. And then you just look at them. Even if they get announced as captain, you're like, he can talk for as long as he wants. But as soon as the guy starts talking, then you start paying attention. It doesn't matter if you run out first. People know who the sort of, they had captains, leadership group and all that kind of stuff.
So a lot of the players will gravitate towards that player. So who was the unsung player from your era would you say? Ooh, there's heaps. Like Tony Grimaldi, Corey Hughes, Adam Perrys, because we had such a star-studded team. Big names and everything.
We needed those blokes to win. The Ben Harrises and all these guys who just didn't get the big fame and everything like that. Didn't get the rep jerseys. We wouldn't ever have won that premier shit without Tony Grimaldi. He didn't give a shit.
He'd make 60 tackles and four fucking hit-ups. And I'd do 15 tackles and 22 hit-ups.
And Ogle would get that. And Sonny would get it.
And Roy and Rennie, because we had such a really well balanced, but those guys balance us out. Adam Perry, Corey Hughes, they had an attacking game, but they went, you know what, I've got Ogle, Pricey, Mace, Roy, Sonny, Rennie, Bobcat. They need the ball. And whenever they need the ball, we get in the ball. You got Shifty, you got Braith. You had all these attackers, right? So they just made themselves like more of a club, like, I'll just do the job to get it. Understood their role. Yeah, understood their role. And that's what you need in today's game.
Still. And those guys, we would not have won, we wouldn't have been successful if that wasn't for those guys. And they're fucking legendary dudes as well. Were they part of the drinking circle?
Yeah, 100%. 100%.
You'd be drinking in the empire up in the cross. Yeah. You'd get picked up with your kid on. Yeah, Ogle come pick us up. With all your kid.
That's big country boy energy though. Like, you know, we told the coach that we were going to be there mate. Nigel was the OG, right? And he's like, I'll just ring Ogle to him and take his Pakistan training kit and come pick us up. But he lived in Cronulla. Yeah. So he's coming to the cross and then going to Belmore. If anyone knows Sydney, he didn't peak out, that was a two hour trip. And Ogle would do that because we were all best mates.
But he had a family at that point, so he couldn't be here. He couldn't be here. He left before anyway. So he just had to go home to get the car and come back here.
Did you have a bit of playing time before the rise of social media or you were in the cross hairs? No, no, no. My last year in the end of the row was 15. And then my... 2010 was your debut right?
Yeah, yeah. So you didn't have to really worry about the dog on the phone, fucking... No, no, no. Like, being a bender and lose your marbles and all that. Yeah, yeah. You had to do Nate Miles stuff. Yeah. No, that was like nine years.
So where do you guys drink in that area? That's what I want to know. Because I know you guys, Willie, you and the dogs were drinking anywhere, everywhere. Anywhere the gang was. Yeah. Are you talking low-key pubs? Because the more I think about it, it's like, who the fuck's got a camera on him and a pub? No, no, no. If it was Northies, it was Northies.
It was Coogee Bay. We had Mad Monday. We had Mad Monday at Coogee Bay.
Yeah, right. That's how much no one gave a fuck.
Reveses? Reveses would go down there. Reveses would go Sunday.
No one cared. Like back then, it was just normal. Had the Mad Monday at the pad?
Yeah, because we went from T2. We went from T2 and we heard Braith was at... So Braith went... I said, this is Sunday, T2. I don't know if anyone remembers T2.
All the... AGs. Yeah, they will. So never close.
Opened at 10 o'clock in the night. So we had to get there at 10 o'clock to get in.
And then it was probably about two in the arvo and then apparently Mad Monday was... This is after we were on the premise sheet. Yeah. So Braith's like, I'm at fucking Coogee, I'm at Coogee Bay. Mad Monday's there.
So everyone just got on the bus. We're on the bus, right? Got a bus at Coogee. Like a normal bus. Normal bus.
10 or 12.
Like a City to Coogee bus. City to Coogee bus.
Off to Street 644 or some shit's called. Straight to the Coogee Bay. Got off and fucking just went woof. There's your Mad Monday, Coogee Bay. And the bouncer just gets on his knees. Please make this easy for me.
In a bitch front pub in the middle of a suburb that people live in. In Coogee Bay. Would they look after you in Manly when you're up there?
Yeah. The locals in the pub. Yeah.
For post Mad Monday celebrations we would always hire out apartments though and we'd go to the apartments. But Manly boys were always well looked after. We had Stain, Wharfie, Wharfbar. And we used to have this other bar. Manly's got Newy vibes.
Sharkbar? Yeah. Sharkbar? Yeah.
We had a couple of security guards like pretty heavies around the area and they always looked after the boys. So if there's any dramas. No one would get the phone out like too because it's all like. You didn't. Manly got across.
No one crosses the bridge. No one. No one leaves.
It's a bit. It's a bit fucking. It's almost like you're playing. Like Castle. Like Newby.
Completely invisible. Yeah. But there in Melbourne you've got the issue with the cops where in Townsville you can be invisible. And the cops will leave you alone too. Yeah.
2010 I played in North Queensland. I wasn't invisible. Unless you're playing for the Blues. The only football there we had done drink driving in North Queensland was come out.
That was wild. That was probably one of the wildest years I've had and that's Sainz. 2016 was when I retired. I was in Catalans.
But yeah. Up there. Townsville. It's still madness now. Yeah.
Like we were up there for Origin. Origin 3 the women.
It's just like. It's the same shit.
Red Dogs owns a fucking mad cow.
Yeah. I told the boys. I said we're looked after. Don't worry about it. We'll go. And it was off its head. And the old.
And the army boys are at the back. And the young cowboys. Young guns are at the front.
You're like come on. Please don't let them mate on the dance floor. In the mad cow they have the most antisocial thing you can have in any pub in this country.
That's like those. No like. No like a fucking speed bag that you punch to kind of see like how fast you're going. I was in there two months ago.
Like we would throw a fucking haymaker and like four guys on each end of the bar would just go like this. Fucking snap their heads and they were like eight hundred and fifty fucking beard down. And then it's like nah but it's our guy and they're like nah I'll give us the show. You've created a hostile environment.
And those teacups. The teacups. Yeah. I told the boys let's get teacups.
They're fucking mad. They don't give a shit.
Darwin I mean. Help us if they bring a football NRL team in North. Nah they can't. Just leave it how it is. Maybe put one in Perth. Yeah Perth. I don't know.
Maybe New Guinea or Perth. New Guinea would be imagine. By the New Guinea where they should, I've had this idea for ages they had they should be based somewhere like Bundaberg or something like that in central Queensland. And you play eight games obviously you play four in New Guinea, four in Queensland or wherever you are. Your home ground could be wherever it is. In Cairns or some shit like that. And then eight are away.
So you're giving. Imagine hitting the town. Because the fucking money. The money up there.
It's a major sport. It's rugby league. I'm like why aren't we trying to at least get something. Well they burnt each other's houses down over fucking rivalries in the NRL.
I went there. They're real fans. There's street signs in there named after me, Gordon Tellus, babies and everything like that. When I was over there. I was over there in 2017.
This is Gordon Tellus. This is my kid Gordon Tellus.
Milga. He's PG in Milga. Sorry Milga. Sorry Tarnay.
It's the other way. Who's the other winger? Willy Olin. Yeah so it's like they love it.
The streets. Gordon Tellus street.
Malmeninga. There's a heap of Malmeningas. Beeps.
They just love. They love. They just love rugby league there so much.
That's probably going to be the next one. I saw Albo popping it up the other day. Throwing it around. So what would that be for? That would be 15th? What's that for? It's like if they do another team it would be 15th. We're not even going to talk about the players' drug and how adding new teams constantly and new exhibitions and new matches is fucking up the athlete. You know what I mean? Think about it now.
They've got All Stars. They've got all these incredible exhibition matches. They've got Origin. They've got all this kind of stuff.
City. Country. Tofax. City. Country.
But you guys would have played a lot less matches, right? Yeah. There were some games, I think one year Mini and I played, it was like 41, 42 games we played. All Origins and Test. Yeah. Origin, Test, City, Country, all that sort of stuff. Almost a basketballer. Yeah, it was fucking, it was pretty hectic, man. It was probably like seven or eight tests at the end of the year. It was a mid-year test. It was three Origins. It was like plus 26 games.
Yeah. All right. Played nine games and then throw a fucking Anzac test at you. And then, yeah. And then, you know what I mean? Like just throw that just there and then play another couple of games then get ready for Origin. Yeah.
It was that lucky to even get into Origin without being busted, you know what I mean? Get through pre-season first and then get through the trials. I mean, not many trials, but like, and then get from round one to round eight, play a test where everyone tries to kill you, play another four games, get back into Origin and then the City, Country is thrown in around there as well. So if you played a test, but if you played in the test, you didn't have to play in City, Country.
Yeah. So you automatically, you know, you know what I mean, like pretty much in the New South Wales side. Yeah. But still, you're still playing, right?
And the test is like, it's fucking a test. It's hard. Some of the hardest games I've played is a fucking Anzac test after round eight. When you think about that, just like, well, yeah, you guys get at least 10, 12 games and you get to play an Origin game, you've got to play Anzac test and then a fucking, yeah. So you've got four Origins in the middle. Fuckin' hell, I'm surprised as well.
And the Kiwis just take it so seriously. I mean, they should bring back the Anzac test. They sit in Origin every year and go, fuck, why don't we have something like that? We get the Aussies once a year, so we might as well go harder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Kiwis will go for Queensland, don't they? Yeah, majority of them. Good on them.
I want to ask now, we've got to go through the current ladder, right? Let's figure out the narratives for the teams. I want you to summarise, you can each take a, we'll go team for team, but I want to figure out what you guys think of each. And, you know, Mace, maybe you don't have to say too much about doggies. I'll do the dogs. Here we go. West Tigers, summarise. West Tigers, if they can sort out the shit with regards to Lee Hadger-Metallus, the board, all the other shit.
I actually like what Benji's creating with some of these young kids coming through. Uppy Curacao, I think he's close to the buyer of the year despite where they finished. And they've got a good forward pack. They just need to figure out their halves. But I think they're a big improvement next year.
Okay. Mace, Dragons. Yeah, I mean.
16. Number 16 on the line.
They're finishing the year okay, even though there's no wins there, right? It seems like they've sort of forgiven Ben Hunt, I suppose. They need to retain Ben Hunt, right? That's their main thing. I think they've just gone, alright, let's just deal with it after round 27. Decent forward pack, Sloan, all these young kids, they've got a decent side, a lot of talent there. They need a couple more forwards. It's hard with the Ben Hunting. They've gotten through the season, then they need to sort that out and then they can move forward.
Otherwise, we've said it all year, like, you're going to trade Ben Hunt, you want something back. You want some sort of halves and full whacks and all that kind of stuff. So, Ben Hunt's the main thing. They'll be competitive all the time, with Ben Hunt.
Bulldogs. Number 15, this is for you Scott, please. Yep, Bulldogs are what they're going through right now.
They've got to identify who wants to be there, who doesn't want to be there. So, this last couple of weeks or so, with leaks coming out of the club from players or whatever it may be. We know who it is, but we're not in a position to say. But, Ciro will find out who those guys are.
They've recruited a couple of, you know, strong first graders. Might not be the biggest names from other teams, but they're first graders.
It sort of reminds me a bit of the Warriors. You know, Mitch Barnett's, Marada Niekora's. All these guys are like 50 to 100, 150 gamers they've got coming over. So, they can rebuild that way.
Mace. Dolphins.
It's a successful year. Yeah. You know, whatever they've tried to build and you know, your first year, so what sort of culture?
What's the DNA of the Dolphins? What are they going to say in 20 years?
Yeah. Right? All those things that you probably identify with the Dolphins right now. That game against the Gold Coast. 26-0 down, they come back and won. Yeah. Right? They got the Roosters, you know? They were in the top four here and there. Yeah. They were in the top eight. They've used over 30 something players, probably the most in the NRL. Yeah. So, it's a successful year.
Titans. 13. Scott. Titans are super talented.
Almost the same story now for a couple of years. They've got so much talent, they're very top heavy. Obviously with the new signings of, re-signing Tino and Dave. It's just whether Desi can put that spin on it. You know, they're the Glamour boys up on the Goldie. Desi will have a backs against the wall mentality that he'll try to install on him and whether that works or not with young kids.
Goldie would be a hard place to live as a footballer, wouldn't it? It's very hard. It would be harder, man.
Like Gold Coast or Brisbane and that, they're all pretty, the Queenslanders are still wild. Yeah. You come down here, it's boring as shit. You'd be able to do shit every day. So it's the northern beaches, right? And Desi knows what it's like to be a nice part of the world and somehow change a narrative. It's a beautiful place. The eastern suburbs and everything, but Sydney's boring as shit now. You go to Brisbane for a fucking magic weekend.
You think you're going back to Vegas. Do you know what I mean? Like when you're sitting there going, we've gone back in time. Brisbane and Queensland still have a good time where in Sydney, I'm not sure if it's my age or not.
Nah, it's stiff. I'm like, it's not as fun. It's like 10% home alone. It ain't T2.
I have high standards when it comes to Sydney, right? I was in the 2000s in my prime, in the cross. In the cross, when the cross was at its apex. As soon as like, you're coming back into Queensland and you hear, and you just hear the door of the Airbus crack open and you smell that holiday fucking air and you're just like, I'm back on fucking Queensland. Spoken like a true Queenslander.
We can do whatever we want here. There are no laws.
Number 12, Sea Eagles, mate. Tom Trabojevic.
Like, he's such a key. As soon as he went down, you know, it took him a while to get back. DCE took the reins, Schuster sort of come in and out. He's probably, he's an integral part of that whole squad. So to get him back to where he's playing is an important role for the coaches. They've got all the, all the pieces, all the kawatus, the front row, like everything, everyone sort of fell off by the back end, the front rowers and everything.
They're very important, right? But they still got that, you've got DCE and you've got both Trabojevic's, right? You're still going to make it, they're still a top eight team, right? And the local boys are still coming through. They're so fucking rowdy up there. Yeah, we've got Kohler and all these young brothers coming through. They've still got a team. If they were stacked this year and Tommy wasn't injured, they're in the top four nearly. They would have been pushing for that. Because about six or seven games they've left on the table.
Easily. And everyone can say that, but I can genuinely say that about Sea Eagles.
How the fuck did you lose that? What the hell?
You've got so many class players, they're very well balanced. Once their front rowers went down, people started banging through the front door.
Croker can only make that many tackles. He can't be fucking taking the load all the time. He makes 60 tackles a game, he does so much work around the rock. Him and Jakey too much though.
Eales, Scott. Eales, big bounce back. Big bounce back. Oh yeah, I like him to bounce back.
Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong for the Eales this year. All the love, none of the luck.
That's it.
They had players that shouldn't have been suspended because they shouldn't have taken a suspension. They had off-field stuff, they had Madison early on.
The Moses contract, that took fucking forever to get done. Death threats.
Yes, and so a few guys that were just not household names at Parramatta have been able to play a lot of minutes this year because of all the shit that's gone on. So I've got Parraford bounce back. Yeah okay, that's a good point. You give a full deck of cards to Parra.
We were talking about Bryce Cartwright had a career best year, Jermaine Hopgood was close to the buyer of the year. Isn't Bryce Cartwright a phoenix?
I like Sean Russell the winger. I like the winger of Sean Russell.
So I think once the team's fully fit next year they'll be humming again. What about the routers, Mason? Don't be disappointed man.
At the start of this year everyone was thinking top four, easy. We were sitting here going, they've got to battle it out on a Friday against the rabbits for a top eight spot and hopefully other things fall into place for them to get in there. I thought they were locked for it. They didn't get off to the best starts of the year. Everyone probably had off years. You're talking form wise. They didn't have their best years.
When Hargraves is 34 years old, he's the best forward. He needs help. He should be taking over him. But for the back end they did. Brandon Smith getting injured. Sam Walker debacle, where does he fit in? Keery got off to a slow start, which I thought so. Because it's going to take 18 months for him to get over his ACL.
He's not playing his best football. Teddy's not playing his best football.
Those names are household names. Out of that whole 17 players, if you're picking a top 50 right now, there's like 10 in the top 50.
So for them not to be really fightful. This is the first time this has happened in like 20 years. That they've kind of had... If they don't beat the rabbits at what, 10th? They're out.
Did they have a down year in 2016? In 2016 they had a down year and then bounced back There was a year they had a...
Just before they won. I think they drew another recycle. Roosters are really good at identifying who's coming to the end of their run. It was the early 2000s though at the Qantas Club for players. So even the year that they beat us in the GFR, they get Sonny, Michael Jennings, James Monie that year. The year that they go and win the comp they get Cooper Cronk and a couple more in that same cycle.
Victor Radley comes through. I think maybe Angus Crichton. Angus Crichton have been there.
The last one I think. They're doing a new recycle I think.
High hopes for the Roosters there Scope. Number 9, Cowboys. Cowboys.
Disappointing at the end. I thought I backed the Cowboys to be in the grand final. Let alone like... I think the World Cup killed Cowboys out of all the teams. They had like 6 or 7 in the World Cup and they come back and I think they don't know how to deal with it.
They're not Penrith. Where you come back into a system and everyone works together. Penrith are used to that. Losing big numbers coming back. That's their culture. Where North Queensland is building that culture.
So next year they'll be better for it. Because everyone who is going to be away on rep duties after this year they're probably going to have about 6 or 7 again. They're going to come back with a different mindset. They'll probably train them different. Probably won't hammer them as much.
It's hot as hell up there.
So the Nani's and all these sort of blokes who are young kids anyway. They're sort of rookies. They got thrown straight up into winning origins and then winning the World Cups.
And then coming back down to earth. It's a rough ride right? If you don't have the right people around you.
Next year they'll be really made. Because they've got the same squad. So I reckon they'll really shoot. They'll probably get what I said this year next year.
Top 8 we're in now. Rabbits at number 8. Scott? Ooo Rabbits is a big one.
With regards to who he'll be running. The momentum. They've been on a run now for 5 or 6 years. Whether Jason Dimitro is the guy moving forward is going to be big. I mean it's a tough one because it's fairytale wise it's an absolute ripper. 10 years since the last. 2024. And Whiten's joining the boys. So you've kind of got that thing going on. Narrative wise it's a dream. But then again Dimitro isn't the guy.
Was Madge the guy? Does it come down to the cattle at a club like that? Well Madge changed the culture. So they needed Madge at the time.
He was too much probably. He run him into the ground. Yeah TO took over.
Jason Dimitro is almost the opposite. Where he's a players coach. He's more for the boys. So whether that style works for him.
We'll see. If it doesn't it could be his last year. And there could be a change up next year. Window closes.
Sharks 6. Sharks another team I picked in the grand final with the Cowboys.
So It's Nico Hines' team right? He just needs to have Dally M's every year for them to be competitive. Do you know what I mean? That's how much control he has over that team. Back 5 is amazing.
They lost those big boys in the middle for about 4 weeks. They nearly cost their season. Berlin, ULA and Toby Rudolph in and out of the teams. Not very consistent starting Royce Hunt.
Finucane's out. When you lose a guy like Finucane who's the heart and soul of that team. Who does a lot of dirty work man. Then it puts McInnis into lock. Where he's coming off the bench.
Which puts another guy who's 19-20. Number 19-20 on the roster. Into the 17.
Fucks up everything right? So they needed all that sort of stuff to go right. Just went a little bit wrong.
But they're still going to be good. Who knows? Everyone's just trying to get through this shit last 27 round right? Thank fuck. Who have we got left?
As players. Let's go again. Throw the dice again. I don't give a shit from 1-8. Everyone can beat everyone now. Especially because Brisbane and Penrith have had a few injuries. Evened it up a little bit. From 3 down.
They can beat everyone. Everyone can beat everyone.
Raiders. Raiders will always be a shit fight.
As long as Ricky's coaching them. If they're favourites. You worry about them when they're favourites. And then you're worried if you're the team that's playing them. And they're underdogs.
That's the team they're always going to be. They're never going to blow a team out. They're never going to get flogged by a team.
They just make it ugly. They lose Jack Whitten.
But they've still got a bunch of dogs down there in Canberra. They find a way to just stay in. Like 6. Is that 6 position? It was actually Raiders and Sharks. Well there you go. But look at their roster. They're not a top 6 roster. They've just got dogfight in them. They make it messy. When you've got a coach like Sticky. And you've got players like Horseboro. And Young.
He just fucking loves it. They love it.
If you're not on game. They'll just be like. Down to Canberra. Awful. Neither of you played there did you? It's just going down there like a hit and run session. Especially in winter. You go Saturday night. It's like a siege mentality. Get on the bus and get on the piss. That's what it was. Get down there the night before. Stay there at the crown. Try and get them. Even though we used to get them most of the time. You don't know what Canberra team is going to turn up.
Get their points on the bus straight away. It's a 7 o'clock game. You don't stay on the bus at 9.30. Get home at 1 o'clock.
And you have the choice too. You want to stay? Fuck no. Let's go. You want the choice.
Knights. Knights have been great this year.
They've been amazing. Probably not the whole year. 8 in a row. It just seems to be all working. Seems to be alright. It's Pong's team. We've said it for years now. Probably his best year he's had there ever. So therefore they're a top 8 contender. They need the win button first round. They'll be good next year. Similar roster. Their forwards are good. They can give it a shake.
Storm.
Super consistent. Got a healthy spine with Pappy back next year. Even though Mete's been good. You get Pappy, Munster, Jerome Hughes, Harry Grant.
You're going to win 70% of your games. Warriors. Jesus Christ.
Who would have thought that? I don't reckon anyone would have had them in the hate.
Deaton said it well when he said the star is reborn. Johnson. He's had a Dally M season. Some of their players who are not average, but they've all had career best years.
Kockstadt. Niokora. Wade Egan.
The background with the family. I think it's a bit different when they've been over here for 3 years and they don't have your family right? It's probably like that little 5% that other teams probably more. 10% that other teams have when they've got their families and everyone watching them.
And they never had that. They've been thrown around living in hotels living out of their back. I've never seen anything like it. They still managed to be competitive for the last 3 years. So when they went back home fuck that energy.
Like we were at Mount Smart the other week. The energy that they have and the love that they have from their fans it's fucking unbelievable. And that can propel them into something special. You can see what fan base almost knows when it's happening for them. And you saw it with the Cowboys 2015, you saw it with the Bunnies the year before that. When they're fucking buzzing, Crayola was the same too. You can feel it happening. You can feel it with the Warriors.
Because of the COVID situation because they've been fisted with the borders everything like that. Now it's like boom it's out of turn. We were talking about stadiums before.
What do they get? 20,000 there? Was it 25,000?
It's as good as the atmosphere as you'll get in the NRL right now. Imagine being a Kiwi right now. The All Blacks will probably win the World Cup. The All Blacks might win the World Cup. They'll have a fucking home game final. That's why they're pumping at the moment. Because the All Blacks have still got a little bit away the World Cup's still to go. Everything's rugby league there at the moment. And then they're going to flow straight from a final series into the World Cup. And then into the T20 World Cup.
That's their main one they want to get. That's the one they want to get. That's the one they'll win. They'll win the World Cup too.
Panthers most. Whatever the Panthers have been the last four years really.
They're just fucking really good and consistent. They bash the shit out of you. They're well balanced. Well coached. And a great team man.
I don't think there's much being lost in these players fighting to live in the system. They've all grown up with. Because they have kids in the system. Their 5th, 5th, 6th strength kids will just come up right? Without having our 5 or 6 come through together. That's the difference. It's hard to even look at our club. I don't see 5 or 6 going up.
From SG ball to there to there to there. To make that jump. They're singling out 8 to 10 players from Harold Matts all the way through. And about 4 or 5 will come through. To the full time squad.
And they will come through. Do you know what I mean? They come through. It's not like it doesn't work. They're coming through. All these young kids they're tapping at the door.
So you've watched fucking Penriss Reserve great. Oh my goodness. I mean they're stacked.
There's almost, some people would argue there's too much depth in the fact that there's kids that only want to play for them. Who are kind of being hoarded. It's great for the club but it's kind of the game. I'm thinking about all this talent rotting underneath. Don't worry clubs are stealing.
Everyone just sitting out the back of the mountains. Mount Druitt trying to get the next big thing. Like just down the road you've got the Tigers. They would be looking over the fence.
I've got a mate that does junior development well for there. His biggest problem is developing these kids that eventually people are going to take. That's the hardest thing. And trying to price them at there. Because you want to keep these kids 16 to 18.
But teams are identifying them now and just going fuck give me him. Tigers have been absolutely hamming the last 10 years of recruits. And going to other clubs because it is. But like Campbelltown there's so many players out there. But Tigers did have a problem.
I remember seeing the Queensland kids come down from Kebra Park or whatever. So the Gold Coast was missing out on those kids from Kebra Park, Miami High. Local products.
Who would come down to play for the Tigers straight out of school. Follow Benji. Well follow Benji but then they would lose their spot to local boys. And then they'd put on 40 kilos and become plasterers and stay in Sydney forever.
Like you know what I mean? There was a problem or they got raided underneath. Underneath the fucking lineup. But I think they can't afford to do that anymore. It's hard man. Like just me being involved in a club just going. It's scummy like the recruiters and everything like that. It's just like it's. And you're talking to like 12 year olds man. You know what I mean? They're trying to see the next big thing at 12.
Because the managers are the worst.
Look at footage of Payne Haas when he was like 13. You knew Payne Haas was going to be Payne Haas if you saw footage of him.
What he was doing at school. Or David Fafita. And he was already wrapped up and he put in cotton wool for his whole schoolboy system. And then next minute. Everyone. They're both playing first grade. As soon as they come out of high school. But they were protected that whole time. The first like that was Carmichael right? He got found in New Zealand as a kid and brought over to Brisbane.
Sonny was. Probably Sonny. Sonny too.
What about Broncos? Broncos.
Number one on the table. By the way. In my opinion.
Unexpected fucking rise this year. Were you seeing it last year? Nah I saw it last year.
They just fell out. I didn't know why I seen it and where they are now.
And the improvement of Reece Walsh in particular. So they've got a window now like Penrith have had the last couple of years. Penrith are losing all their players. Broncos almost have to win this year and next year because 2024. Reynolds becomes off contract. Ezra Mam. Reece Walsh.
Capewell. All these guys are on club friendly deals right now. That'd be great. That'd be so fucking good for Reynolds to get one up. Yeah. Their window is now.
I've got them favourite over Panthers. I think they beat Panthers in the grand final this year.
And specifically with the Jerome Law injury as well. Same energy you feel in the Bronx.
Fuck they've come a long way since all that shit about Kevy in the off season. Haven't they? This time last year they were off the cliff. This is not done.
But just six weeks ago. Two years ago they were playing pokies in Harper's Carries. But six weeks ago they were in the same position and they lost every game and everyone was thinking. But if they had won two or three games they would have been going for the top four.
Do you know what I mean?
But they just fell off. It was crazy. And now Reece Walsh is the dude.
The ducks.
Yeah. Reece Walsh is the dude. That's what I want to finish with. Reece Walsh.
Who does he remind you of from your era? I said it a couple of weeks ago. I think it's sort of like a Billy Slater with Matty Bowen skills. I think that's a fair analogy. I said it and everyone was like oh he's not that good. I'm like give him fucking time. Everyone just sees a finished product with Billy Slater and Mango. Have a look.
He hasn't got those runs on the board yet. He hasn't got a giving time yet.
He does run like a fucking ball of mercury across the fucking plate. He's little like Mango. You know what I mean? But he's got the skill set of Mango. And that Labrador. He fucking goes hard. Don't get the fucking good looks for you. He runs straight through your chest. Yeah. He's a good looking rooster.
Saw him out in the piss the other night. He was not the other night. Sorry, Kevin. It was fucking December last year and the girls were lining up for him and he was not noticing them.
So there's one key indicator of how the Broncos go. It's always tied to their share price. They are the only publicly listed company. If you bought $1,000 worth of Brisbane Broncos shares in the height of COVID, you would have tripled your money and then some.
Oh, there you go. Yeah. 3000 of the best. Yeah, I know you're being there. The Murdoch's still on a bit of a... Anyway, thanks for joining us guys. Excited for the finals. You've gassed us back up. We needed a bit of an injection after the Matildas and now I'm across all the narratives. Let's go.
And anyone listening to this who has been absolutely like me brainwashed by this analysis and punditry, you can find the boys on levels wherever you find your podcast. Wherever you find your podcast. My tube, Apple, everywhere. It's everywhere. Yeah.
Podbean.
You tube a little bit? Yeah, tube. We're all over the tube. Yeah, right. We're dominating the tube. |
SaturdayNightLive | clint_eastwood_for_chrysler_part_2_snl | Clocks winding Down, America. it's the fourth quarter, and there's no timeouts left. how do I know? my pants get higher every quarter. if it's the fourth quarter in America, that means it's overtime in China, and they've got a billion people on their team. Plus, they own half our stadium. how'd they get so far ahead? Because they work hard. they're not all sitting at home, stroking it to some girl. they're all sitting at home, stroking it to some Godaddy.com commercial. they're busy making the Jazzy's that you ride around Disney World, because you're too fat to walk. But good news, America. we've got something they don't. Chrysler's. we're gonna drive them all over their damn field. Hey, Wang Chun, I hope you like eating tire, because if a Chrysler hits ya, it'll kill ya. And again, I don't care who's driving, though I know it won't be Gingrich, because his fat hat won't even fit in a f***ing car. this is an act for Chrysler, right? think again. it's for Little Caesars. Pizza Pizza. |
dropout | Wine_Experts_Taste_Dogshit_Wine | I'm Grant, and I drink wine with dinner. My name is Ted, and I am a sommelier. My name is Michel, and I am a master somm.
Yeah. Okay.
Next. You eat some kind of red wine? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Oh.
You got it. Hey. Oh, I'm good at this. Wonderful. Thank you. Okay. Let's see. Two for two.
Definitely an earthy aroma. This glass is warm.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
Oh, hints of peanut butter, and okay. Tell me. Pad Thai. This could be the dog shit, or an old earth wine. Let's see that. Oh. This is really dog shit. What? What the fuck? I thought you were kidding. Is this fresh?
Guys, you have to drink it if you want to get paid. I'm not fucking drinking this.
Yeah. Wow. I wanted to take my time with that. It really gets a flavor in there.
Chalky minerality to it, probably the dog shit, potentially an old dog. God, that is gorgeous. What? You just held a wine glass under your dog's butt. So this is shit from a street dog.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh. Fuck. Oh.
Who fucking green lit this? This would go perfectly with a red snapper, tilapia if you're poor, if it didn't have dog shit. I am confident in saying I think this is a Pinot Grigio with dog shit. Final conclusion, 2016 Pinot Grigio from Loire Valley with feces from a 12-year-old Visla whose diet consists mainly of hummus.
You're gonna hear from my lawyer? Get this fucking microphone off of me.
What? All right. Oh, yes. How'd I do? The footage look okay? Yeah?
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Can I get some real wine? Wine is wine.
You don't have to do that. I do. Hey, it's Grant.
If you like college humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord, where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
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dropout | yes_or_no_game_show_with_regis_philbin | Welcome back everybody, I'm here with Patrick. He's an optometrist's assistant from Duluth. So Patrick, how do you feel right now?
Excited, really prepared. Well then let's play!
Your first question, for $100. Yes or no? No. That's right, that's right, good for you. $200 Patrick, yes or no? No. You've got it again. Dynamite! Patrick, here comes the big time. $500. Yes or no? Well, I'm sure at some point we've all wished it was no, but I'm going to go with yes. Patrick, you've just won $500. How do you like that? Okay Patrick, now I'm only playing for big money. Questions are going to get harder. Yes or no? You know, I feel like I have heard no before, but growing up on the east coast I can tell you that it's yes. It's yes! You've got it! Next question, listen to me carefully Patrick. Yes or no?
I have no idea, I'm going to use my pass. He's going to use his pass.
Let's see what the next question has in store for him. Yes or no? You know, they were just talking about this on the radio, but right now it's escaping me. I would like to poll the audience.
Alright audience, let's get into our keypads. Ah, again, split right down the middle.
Patrick, take all the time you need here. I should have paid attention in class.
Yes! You should have. You know, it feels like it should be yes, but then again, no, you know? Patrick, I hate to tell you this, but I'm going to need an answer. No. Right on then, Murray, you get it. Whoa, whoa, hold on to your bottoms everybody. Patrick has made it to the video question. Let's take a look. Yeehaw! It's Jewel on the Murray Ranch in Texas. Yes or no?
I just love her. She's the best.
No. Your fat ass got it right, Patrick. You did it.
So, for one billion dollars, are you hearing me? One billion dollars is the final question. Yes or no?
I'd like to call my mom. Okay, let's get mom on the line.
Yes? Yes or no? Um, yes. Yes. Yes? Yes.
No. No!
Yes!
No. Fuck. |
cracked | unboxing_a_drone_with_michael_swaim_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another and guys we are headed into the future on the wings of It has propellers, but you get it It's a drone and it is gonna give us aerial shots, so I'm gonna open up this box I'm gonna bust it. Oh, we're shooting shooting a thing shooting a thing shooting a thing Okay, shoot a thing Yeah, oh my god, no I've been wanting to be in this New guys out there man, you know, I don't care what people say man.
I love the show. I've been watching every episode Yeah, this is so cool.
And we're finally, you know, these two faces finally together this starring I'm a new guy. I don't very excited to be here. Who are you? What? Michael Swain Okay, I'm Alex Schmidt. It's nice to meet you I know who you are.
I work 30 feet away from you. Oh Wait, you're right. Like like E-how or the dev dev no crack some facilities. I've worked it Really?
Yeah, it's a crack Daniel O'Brien Sarge and chief and Mandy that is such it's been a long time since I've seen you remember there was one wacky guy that was always very high-energy and like smiled a lot in that show Kind of paved the way for you. Well, yeah, I mean Daniel is pretty high-energy I mean he's like I'm Daniel, you know does not compute your good Simon and Crack TV internet party.
Yeah. Yeah, I was in internet party. Yeah. Yeah, you play that key, right?
Yes I played I played that's crazy You know I have a handy way of remembering that which is that I was also in that sketch and we had a scene where we talked to each other literally made eye contact and interacted in That so you got a drone here. I had like an act huh for the what Jesus Christ I didn't want to say but I was kind of hurt today I haven't been in one of these yet because I really liked the show. Okay, I really think it's a great show drone footage I think that's really interesting.
Thank you very much. I think even though you know drones are responsible fraud of innocent innocents who died Casualties in the war and now you're part of that. Thank you so much. You're supporting that military industrial Thank you.
Come on does not compute.
I wear a blue suit I have a blue suit and I have a little handkerchief. Oh my god Myself images crashing down around me. Okay. Thank you It's gonna be great and I was the evils I was the evil alien in it I know you're doing a center shot, but you should maybe angle in so it's like a two-shot of both of us Cuz people are gonna want to see me and they're gonna want to see you. Okay, and I'm working together Still here with the drone. Let's open the drone, huh? Okay, this here's the This actually reminds me of the after-hours shot, you know the classic you have to know after hours I do Yeah, so you were Katie and then Who would be sitting where I'm sitting in the show?
I think well, there's like there's like Cody back there This is it's like The last thing I want to do is overestimate my importance But I would suffice to say most people watching the cracks videos at least recognize my face And I know you watch the cracks videos Matt. I love the crack videos. They are amazing It's just so great to see Matt.
Did you call me Matt? Are you talking to me?
It's Mary. I usually make an impression on You know, I've got a high energy I'm just gonna get this drawn out Emergency we gotta broke this broke this taken down the site. Okay, I'm gonna have sex with your boss I don't just imagine me like 40 pounds lighter and no beard. Come on, man. Say my name Work the shaft cup the balls say the name Ah Okay, it might be it might be broken And here we go, the drone is up I the drone I promised the drone shot. I promise is definitely happening It's not broken in any way. And I just want to thank you so much for watching and if My cold sway, it's it's my cold sway. I know I know who that is Guys, thank you so much for subscribing to this channel already since you do here's a reward This is the figure 8 wall from that Elliott Smith album You can see it for yourself on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles and you can see it right now because you're a cracked YouTube subscriber tourism |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_bowen_yang | I'd like to sing a tribute to myself.
Oh, that cape. that cape Tom Broker built out, and it's so beautiful.
Goodbye, Congress Creams. though they never knew me at all. do you like my brain kind of short circuits? I think that was the point where my soul left my body.
George Santos happened in January of 2023. I had done very bashful shopping around the office that Monday, where I was like, is anyone going to play him? I went to the update desk. I was like, i think I have an idea. here to comment is the man behind the research. Oh, no, it's George Santos. I kind of took it around to some writers, and then with Ken, Tisablatt, and Allison Gates, we just decided to write a draft. I am George Santos, Miss Devolder, if you're nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruchata Adonai University, four years of Michigas, and I am a proud representative from my district in Long Island, New Jersey. and that was the first time I played him, was on update, and then that same show, like Friday, I find out that Colin wants to write a cold open. Please welcome Congressman George Santos. and I would be this reporter from the field, and then I would change into quick drag. hello, sorry, I'm late. I played him twice in the same show, and then when the vote came to expel him from Congress, I get a couple calls from people.
Lauren wants to see you when you come into the studio. I come into Lauren's office, where he basically sits me down with all the producers, being like, you're going to be playing George Santos and you're going to be singing Kendall in the Wind.
And it seems to me I lived my life like a scandal in the Wind. And Colin's going to write it, so it'll be funny, but it's going to come in late. it all came at me pretty fast after that. I just sang through all of Kendall In the Wind at like 11.45 p.m. at night to all of these wonderful crew, people, and Lauren. it dawned on me as I was playing the piano on stage. it's just going to be me singing for this whole cold open. that's horrifying. So I told a couple little Febs, like where I went to high school and college and all my jobs. I can count on like one hand the amount of times we ran it, but we did it and it went great. it was cool to sing live from New York at Saturday night. that was cool. Yeah, that was a crazy 24-hour process.
I miss George, but I don't really miss him. |
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