section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
dropout | every_tech_commercial | When I'm watching a commercial for a new tech device. I'm looking for an ad that's fun. That's cool That's edited way too fast fast fast with a lot of lines repeated a bunch Just like that like that and starring young professionals with creative jobs jobs. You're not even sure exist I'm a wicker weaver. I'm looking for a commercial that uses words like now emotion global Spoken totally out of context While laughing fast I want an ad with diversity because it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl white Or black I want to see lots of small business men and women like architects gardeners bakers Bakers a whole lot of bakers or at least someone holding a baguette like me I'm looking for a commercial set to an indie rock song one that uses a lot of accordingly or glockenspiel Oh, this seems to me most of all. I'm just looking for a good product Shop no one with kids Cute kids though. Hey guys. Can you see me? Hi? I miss you and a soldier Hey, you know emotional shit is that that's what'll get me to buy a smartphone or a wearable computer or a website that finally Puts me in the driver's seat One more Baker and the logo without text.
Hey everybody if you like that video just click right on me to subscribe Please don't do it. Don't click me. Don't click me anymore, please |
dropout | The_Most_Tragic_Dimension_20_Character_Ever | You hear a noise of someone traipsing and just tumbling down a side. And you see that a very put upon squire who you recognize as an attendant to the two princesses and also a squire studying under Sir Theobald shows up. This miserable looking sort of like lemon cough drop squire shows up and he goes, tumbled down this hillside and goes, oh no, oh, there you are, Count Liam. Listen, there's an awful ruckus in the castle.
They sent me to go, you don't know where the princesses are, do you? No, are they gone? Did everyone get my note? I let everyone know that I wasn't running away, right? I set up a lot of alarms to let Theo know where I was. No such notes have been found, I'm afraid.
It looks like you might be in for a punishment of some sort. I don't know what they can do to you. If it was me, it would be 40 lashes, I know it. What? Or I'd be kicked down the stairs. That's horrible, who does that to you? Oh, everyone. Sometimes I get scared they're gonna do it, so I do it meself.
That's dark. That's a new level of darkness.
Sometimes they try to trick me, they come up and they say, Lamone, no one wants to kick you down the stairs. Please stop throwing yourself down the stairs. Nobody wants it. And then I say, oh, they're trying to lull me, they is, into a false sense of security. This sounds a lot like self-inflicted punishment. Oh, if it is, it ain't nothing I don't deserve.
Okay, I say bye to my friends. Bye, Paz, bye guys, I gotta go back up.
There's really only one real person in the entire castle, real working class gummy bear, and I really like to let him know where I'm gonna be at all times. I so think of all the good men he is, he's good, he never boxes my ears or nothing. Not like those boys, they box my ears all the time.
If I go into town and they find me and they put my pants and such over my head and take my weapons and throw them in a river. Wow, you might be the saddest person I've ever met in my life, and I thought I was pretty sad. Well, if my being sad has made you feel better then I guess I've done me job then, haven't I?
Yeah, yeah, man, I think I set some alarms and stuff. Can I have them all go off in Theo's head? Yes, you see little alarms and bells go off, pressed, in other words, Liam is returning. As you return, yeah, you see the Lamone keeps going like, well, you know, that's the trick, is it?
You've been a peppermint lord and all, you're made of real good candy. It's just my luck to be a cough drop, the only kind of candy that's medicinal.
Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna head back to the castle, we can go back together, or maybe I'll just go separate. Right, because you don't want my company. No, I just, no, it's just you, you shout, everything you say, and it's all so sad. I just, no, it's just very in your face. I'm just gonna take, I'm out here in nature to kind of clear my head. You're all right, I don't care, he throws himself down. No, no way! Honestly, okay, to each their own path I need to focus on myself, I take Preston, who's like so heavy and asleep, I take him back to the castle.
What does he dream of? I know, seeds.
Hey gang, Brennan here. If you dig college humor and want to support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord, and exclusive content such as Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today.
Or don't, you know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, I don't even know you, that would be crazy. It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry, and that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
dropout | hardly_working_kovert_krampus | Almost time for the holiday party, you know what that means? Stick with Santa! No, you can't have beans, it means... Covert Krampus! Yes, Covert Krampus. Just as St. Nicholas gives gifts to all the good little boys and girls, Alpine folklore tells us of the Krampus, a holly jolly goat beast who travels alongside Santa, maiming and punishing the naughty children.
So, it's like Secret Santa? Yeah, except instead of buying gifts for each other, we punish one another for our lives and transgressions. Right, but with a twenty-dollar spending limit. Okay, wow, so a child-abusing monster Santa, who would come up with that?
The Germans. Germans, right, yes, I saw where that chick was going. Jill Axford, Axford. Covert Krampus is just another holiday tradition, like mistletoe or ranger blood.
Let's get it started! Ha! So, who had Owen? Aww! Captain Fudgypuss, this is my cat. Yep, I had him killed and attached to a neck chain so that his rotting smell would always remind you of your own rotten and impious soul. I got the chain at J. Crew! This is perfect, man.
I fucking devastated. A bag of wasp? How did you know? Well, I did a little digging on your Facebook and I found... My list of mortal fears! And it is the traditional Bavarian punishment for hubris, so... So much research.
Come on! I'm gonna try it on right now. Here we go!
Oh, they're in my brain! Next, we have Vinnie. Vinnie, you're always bragging about how good you are at puzzles, so I called your girlfriend and came up with... locking her in a steel tank, slowly filling with water somewhere in the city. Here's a list of instructions to go find her.
You scamp! You total scamp! No! You're fucking sick, bro! You are sick!
Murph, I want you to know how much I care about you, so I sold my favorite jacket to buy this maze to hit you in the balls with. But... I sold my balls so that I could buy this pillowcase full of fish semen to dunk your favorite jacket in. This is beyond fucked up, okay? There is nothing heartwarming about inflicting fish semen on your friends. Or whatever Dan is doing. Remember when these were a thing?
Christmas isn't about punishing each other. It's about friendship. And family.
Until you understand that, I'm sorry. You don't deserve Christmas. Wow. You really made us all feel like shit.
You're garbage.
You're okay. Who's got beef? All right.
Let me see your damn toes. Toes. Right. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_robert_peston | What's the most political thing that's ever happened in Britain?
Erm, I'm not sure thing... I mean, I think... Erm...
Gosh, that's a tricky question in the sense that there are definitely... degrees of, er, gosh, what's the most political... So, I... There are lots of things that are straightforwardly political and then there are other things that are not the sort of halfway, I guess, but, erm, I can't... I genuinely can't identify the most political. The second most?
OK, let's pretend it's the 1980s and I'm Margaret Thatcher. This is a political interview. What would you ask me? I think I would start by asking if this was, erm, the early part of her period in office, erm, why she was setting interest rates so high, why she was allowing the exchange rate to go so high in a way that was really damaging British industry causing a huge rise in unemployment and didn't she think that she was causing huge unnecessary suffering? You're not expecting me to answer that, seriously?
Why did they call John Major the Prince of Onions? During Mrs Thatcher's reign, there was the minor strike, wasn't there? Why was it considered minor? It wasn't considered minor, it was a strike by miners, people who go, you know, underground and dig out coal.
Right. What's a mine? So a mine is the underground construction where you dig out the coal. Right. What's coal? So coal is this black rock that you burn. Right.
And that's grown underground. And that's underground.
They do. And they get the coal. And then they went on strike. Yeah.
People say the financial crisis happened because it just got too complicated and it's all because of the maths. If we took maths out of the equation, it'd be much easier. Couldn't we use something else instead of numbers? I think that actually you're right in a way that there is too much maths in the way that people think about the economy. And one of the things that occasionally goes wrong is that economists think that they can build...
Sorry about that.
Where is the welfare state? Where is it? Yeah. Well, it's sort of all around us. Yeah, but where specifically in Britain?
The welfare state is a phrase that refers to, broadly, the help that government gives to all of us. The welfare state helps people from the cradle to the grave.
So is it just for people lying down? It certainly helps people lying down.
They help to, you know, they give out bits and bobs, don't they? Yes, for poorer people, they provide a lot of help. Schools and housing and... And benefit payments, top-ups to your wages if you're working.
How did they decide what not to give out for free? Was there ever a plan to give out free crisps? I don't think they've ever given out or thought about giving out free crisps.
Although I quite like crisps. I love crisps. I don't think many people would argue that you can't have a decent life without free crisps. I think I'd kill myself if I couldn't have crisps.
Right now, is Britain at an important moment in history or a significant one? I'd say really important. Not significant? Well, both. What if you had to choose one? Important. Not significant. Just because it's important doesn't mean they can be both. They can be important and significant. Not in this. OK. You have to choose one. If I'm going to choose one... Yeah. I'll choose important. So it's not significant. |
SaturdayNightLive | george_w_bush_and_jenna_snl | I'm the President of the United States and I need a straight answer. Am I going to get the spy plane back? ask again later. you always do this to me, dammit. I'm the President. Yeah, what is it, Janice? Mr. President, your daughter Jenna is here. Okay, send her in. Hi, daddy. how you doing? I was just attending to some very important foreign policy business. Now, what's this?
I hear about you getting in trouble down in Austin? Oh, that. Oh, I was.it. was nothing. I was just hanging out at a bar with some friends and I got a ticket for underage drinking. You know, I'm very disappointed in you.
I have enough things to think about with my new job that I don't need to be worrying about you. I mean, heck, I just got through with my first 100 days and I got 100 more to go. I'm joking around. I know that there's 300 days in a year.
But serious, I'm serious here. I need you to get your act together, little girl. what is the big deal? I mean, I'm 19 and I drank a beer. well, in Texas they could put you to death for that. Oh, daddy, give me a break. I mean, I don't get it. you're down in Texas, drinking, partying, thinking everything's a big joke. I can't believe you're my daughter. of course I'm your daughter, Dad. Stop being so melodramaculous. you're the one being melodramaculous. Now, I'm just trying to be compassionate. Now, your mother and I are worried about you. she tells me your grades are slipping.
I have a 2.3. 2.3? In Texas, that's legally drunk. No, daddy, it's my Gpa. that's grade point average. 2.3 is like a C+. C+, that ain't that bad. Hell, your mother's overacting a C+.
Hell, someone just earned a dinner at the Outback. Really? of the Outback? I mean, you're not disappointed in me.
Heck no. Heck no. in fact, come here a little closer. let me tell you a story. I'll tell you a little story about a guy with a C- average who was a failure in business and was just farting around down in Texas. partying, drinking, doing blow. You know what happened to that guy? No, what? he went to jail because he's poor and Mexican. but there was another guy doing the same stuff. But his dad was in charge of the Cia, then vice President, and then President. you know what happened to him?
I think I do. he became President. I'm talking about me. Do you think I could be president someday? Well, you never know. maybe one day you'll sit here and you'll say, en vivodes de Nueva York. es sabado en la noche. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_16_12_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio news bulletin. The day is Monday the 16th of December, recording live from Baxter Boots Studios as always. If you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course editor at large Errol Parker.
How are you Errol? Hello I'm good Clancy. Good to hear.
You look like you're relatively hairless and... Young, white. Blonde.
Yes you are. And you might leave us one day for a job at the ABC. If they're offering. If they're offering but we'll try and keep you employed here on a really high salary with no risk of restructure or sacking for the rest of your life. If we can.
What's in the news this week Wendell?
Well you wouldn't believe it but these bushfires are still in the news because they're still burning and the Prime Minister is doing his best to keep up his everyday Australian image by being unfit to run a country. Yes Scotty from marketing is still concentrating on being an everyday bloke who loves to footy the cricket and having a fucking beer rather than acting like a Prime Minister in charge of a country on fire. His ability to lead during crisis appears to have gone missing if not been non-existent. His first real challenge as a leader since the feel good election result and he is indeed missing in action. Yeah I don't think that many of his predecessors would have gone about it the same way that Scotty has I mean I don't think that Malcolm Turnbull would have headed down to his local Domino's Pizza picked up a couple of meat lovers with a six pack of fat yak I don't think that Tony Abbott would have done the same either I don't think that Kevin Rudd or Julia Gillard would have done the same nor Howard nor the odd man who came before him.
So I think what's important right now is that we keep winning in the cricket because it is summertime and God's game is back on our television screens and that is all that we should be worrying about. I don't know about you guys but I was definitely cheered up by that win.
Now in other news of national significance, Grilled customers give an option to cover wage theft of staff through Local Matters initiative. Yes the Local Matters initiative if you've shopped in the upmarket fast food franchise over the years Grilled offers a bottle cap with each purchase that you can then put in a jar of several local charities to raise money however after the revelations that they've been ripping off their staff they've gone into damage control and as a part of a PR initiative have offered customers the opportunity to pick up the slack in the wage theft that has been happening within their organisation for many years. So get behind a good cause if you're going to Grilled this Christmas and tip a little lid to pay their workers. Yeah I was actually unaware of what the Local Matters initiative was I'm more of a traditionalist I know that if I want a burger you know I'm not going to meet them halfway I usually head to McDonald's which is a great employer of young people around this town they're a fast-food outlet that offer a career path where you can go from being the person who has to run the burgers out to the tradies in the morning in the rain all the way up to corporate management and I think that con artists and ripoff merchants at Grilled can learn a thing or two from Australia's favorite fast-food outlet Wendell. Well Lucas Robinson one of our readers commented on the story saying that it looks like Rugby Australia's marketing pigeon has been in as the expert consultant handling this PR disaster down at Grilled.
There was also another comment from Vicky Johnson who said George Kollambaris you writing this down bro I think referring to the success of the Local Matters initiative. Yes George Kollambaris a good mate of the show if you're listening George pay your fucking workers you fucking dog pay your workers George and not a Christmas Wendell. James Packer has banned Mariah Carey's iconic Christmas album from all Crown venues. Yes the words all I want for Christmas is you coming out of his former flames mouth still hurts a big fella apparently so he's banned it this year in all Crown venues which makes up quite a lot of gambling institutions in Australia. And we spoke to a couple of Crown employees who said this is some good news. But yes it does come as a blessing to employees I believe who are stoked to have to listen to one less Christmas album in an industry dominated by Michael Buble and now Robbie Williams I believe.
Certainly and now in other news a report came out this week revealing that anxious Millennials are killing the telemarketing industry by not answering private numbers. Well Wendell you're a you're a millennial did this story ring true for you I mean I always like to answer calls from telemarketers and I like to honey dick him a bit and then out of the blue I like to hang up on them. I myself I don't answer any calls from a private number Errol too many loose ends too many things to be concerned about I'm still going two years later so I steer clear. The fear of debt collectors is that your thinking? Absolutely. Well that's why lots of people come to our cosmopolitan desert town you know to get away from debt collectors get away from the government get away from a whole manner of things. Yeah and a major part of that is not answering calls from private numbers.
Which means that the funeral and pet insurance industry is struggling as is the off-season holiday package industry. Yes I do have some pet insurance though but you know as I am a baby boomer with experience in the primary sector my pet insurance is a triple two with some ballistic tip.
Relatively cheap now in some other news that'll rile up boomers as well pilots told cyclists are just as entitled to ride on local flight paths as they are. Bit of a weird one this one Wendell I thought somehow we've got cyclists riding through the air at 30 or so thousand feet that's caused a few exchanges between pilots and the cyclists so they've had to pull the pilots into line I think that's their union it was which is the same one that's telling the Jet Star pilots to get more money because they've already had to suffer the indignity of wearing the the orange star on their pilots hat. We had one comment from Josiah Poyet the cyclists have now demanded that all planes switch off their engines within 200 meters of them and glide past. A spokesman for the local cycle club said this is imperative for our safety we've decided to ride in this flight pass and the other traffic needs to accommodate our hobby. And Clancy it's worth adding that the pilots aren't happy and one of the biggest sources of their anger is it's the fact that these cyclists are not paying rego and they don't have licenses they don't have insurance to be up in the sky and obviously the pilots have to pay extortionately large amounts of money to be insured to be licensed and to use the airways.
At least there's no red lights up there for them to run riling them up even more. Sports news now and NRL tells players to head down to Bondi now and squeeze in a few benders while no one can see. I think this story came out of back last week when the air quality in Sydney was quite poor down in the Developers Republic of Sydney the NRL told a lot of their players to take advantage of that natural smokescreen and they said in an internal communicator their players they said get down to Bondi boys now's your chance to get that bender out of your system and that came from Todd Greenberg. Yes there was a 1,500 person group chat of all players coaches and bender mentors in the shape of ex players within the competition they said get down there get it out of your system and apparently they did like a lifeguard on the scene said it felt like the California love video clip with Willie Mason wearing a gas mask banging a Japanese gong, Dylan Napa, big puppy Napa and of course Tedesco partying hard he even claims to have seen Gus Gould doing the worm which would be quite a sight I imagine.
And that bow ties the bulletin for today we'll be back one more time this year for a wrap-up of our biggest stories the top 10 all the hits we'll be playing a Merrell and we'll run through those next week so until then I'm Wendell Hussey. Yes Wendell if you only listen to one of our news bulletins this year make it that one and obviously this one if you're listening to me now. Until next week my name is Errol Parker never talk to the police without a lawyer present they are not your friends they're out to get you but don't hit them. I'm Clancy Overall.
Relatively cheap now in some other news that'll rile up boomers as well pilots told cyclists are just as entitled to ride on local flight paths as they are. Bit of a weird one this one Wendell I thought somehow we've got cyclists riding through the air at 30 or so thousand feet that's caused a few exchanges between pilots and the cyclists so they've had to pull the pilots into line I think that's their union it was which is the same one that's telling the Jetstar pilots to get more money because they've already had to suffer the indignity of wearing the the orange star on their pilots hat. We had one comment from Josiah Poyet the cyclists have now demanded that all planes switch off their engines within 200 meters of them and glide past. A spokesman for the local cycle club said this is imperative for our safety we've decided to ride in this flight pass and the other traffic needs to accommodate our hobby. And Clancy it's worth adding that the pilots aren't happy and one of the biggest sources of their anger is it's the fact that these cyclists are not paying rego and they don't have licenses they don't have insurance to be up in the sky and obviously the pilots have to pay extortionately large amounts of money to be insured to be licensed and to use the airways. At least there's no red lights up there for them to run riling them up even more.
Sports news now and NRL tells players to head down to Bondi now and squeeze in a few benders while no one can see. I think this story came out of back last week when the air quality in Sydney was quite poor down in the Developers Republic of Sydney the NRL told a lot of their players to take advantage of that natural smokescreen and they said in an internal communicator their players they said get down to Bondi boys now's your chance to get that bender out of your system and that came from Todd Greenberg. Yes there was a 1,500 person group chat of all players coaches and bender mentors in the shape of ex players within the competition they said get down there get it out of your system and apparently they did like a lifeguard on the scene said it felt like the California love video clip with Willie Mason wearing a gas mask banging a Japanese gong Dylan Napa big puppy Napa and of course to desko partying hard he even claims to have seen Gus Gould doing the worm which would be quite a sight I And that bow ties the bulletin for today we'll be back one more time this year for a wrap-up of our biggest stories the top 10 all the hits we'll be playing a Merrill and we'll run through those next week so until then I'm Wendell Hussey. Yes Wendell if you only listen to one of our news bulletins this year make it that one and obviously this one if you're listening to me now until next week my name is Errol Parker never talk to the police without a lawyer present they are not your friends they're out to get you but don't hit them.
I'm Clancy Overall. |
cracked | 5_biggest_mistakes_in_super_mario_bros_cinemistakes | Film an art form appreciated by so many but yet understood by so few An art form that takes you honestly from your highest valleys to your lowest peaks and yet So few can understand how truly deep it actually is I'm one of those people that can see that the deep how deep it is, which is why we're gonna put these films on this Welcome to Cinemistakes, the craft you eat in collect. Where we take some of Hollywood's most coveted and beloved films and we put them on this We burn them to the ground. It doesn't matter how many rotten tomatoes they got It doesn't matter how many Oscars they got. They're still can be set on fire. They're flammable, baby Today we are going to be covering the 1993 movie that took the world by storm amazing reviews Constantly streaming never a bad review and insight and yeah, we're talking about the Super Mario Brothers the Super Mario Brothers Yeah, I know what you're thinking There's no way Steven can skewer the Super Mario Brothers movie in 1993.
It was received so well. It got so many awards Oh, yeah, can you stop a bullet after it's been shot? I can but you can't this is already on the skewer stick I'm sorry. It's getting skewered. You can't stop it already.
It's already been let out of the gate Here's the top five things that are wrong with the Super Mario Brothers movie The number one reason why the Super Mario Brothers movies unrealistic is because the brotherly dynamic Okay in this movie Mario helps Luigi a lot. He helps Luigi get a girlfriend. He's a wingman. He trains and be a plumber He's doing all kinds of he's doing all kinds of stuff for Luigi. But here's the thing brothers aren't like that I'd love a brother like Mario, but I don't have one instead I got my own brother Peter who got arrested for making DMT in my parents basement He's currently serving time. Maybe it's good for him Maybe he'll change but he was never there for me. In fact, instead of being a wingman, he was the opposite of a wingman He would go around to every girl that I would talk to and tell him I stunk like shit and F'd everything up for me for a lot of times And what they don't know is that they stole all the copper wired on my parents bait out of my parents house And he was he sucked ass at making DMT anyways is supposed to make you see all kinds of stuff It didn't make you see shit and turned you blind bottle identified brothers aren't like that The second reason why the Super Mario's brother movies is bad is that it's too scary.
I'm sorry. It's too scary I'm scared shitless watching this thing. I had to watch this thing I had a blanket pulled all the way up to my eyes Because I was so scared and I usually when I watch scary movies I cover my eyes up every whenever something scary happens This movie is supposed to be about a video game Supposed to be about coins and and little muffins walking around with feet and eyes and they're supposed to be colorful cars Driving around but guess what? There's no colors in this thing at all. You'll the color in this thing is sadness It's more like Silent Hill or doom or something.
I played some video games Okay It's not like any of the cool happy fun video games that I played like for families and kids and stuff bottle identified It's more like adult video games that you played late at night when you're a freak and on that note This is the number three reason why the Super Mario Brothers movie is completely unrealistic and that's because it's not like the video game At all when I'm playing the video game I didn't see none of these people in it Okay And also when I was playing the video game I can't ever get it past the first second the first couple seconds Anytime the first thing comes at me in the video game It absolutely demolishes me and kills me every single time and I can never get past the first part of it So yeah I have not seen or played any other part of the game besides the first couple seconds plot all identified Super Mario Brothers was not like the video game at all because Bowser was the same guy from the movie speed and I think I would have recognized that the fourth reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense And yeah, this is a bad one is that Mario is like John Wick in this movie He is a lot like John Wick He goes around beating everyone's ass the only training he has is a plumber John Wick was raised from being a baby Or whatever on the street to an adult to kill and assassinate and take care of people without issue The thing that doesn't make sense about this is that Mario is a hero and he's kicking all kinds of ass I consider myself a hero and everywhere I go. I get my ass beat old country buffet Golden corral one time I got put in a in a in a goddamn triangle hold by an eight-year-old because I said that Pokemon was not that cool And by the way, John Wick is the only hero that that can kick ass all the time because that he's my personal hero plot Hole identified Mario's too much like John Wick. He's kicking too much ass and heroes get their ass beat everywhere. They go. Sorry Okay, I gotta get serious now I gotta get serious now because the number five reason why the 1993 Super Mario Brothers movie is bad is because they almost got it Right.
They're talking about lizards underground with tiny heads and all that stuff. But here's the thing It's not lizards that are still alive. It's dinosaurs dinosaurs are still alive under the earth And I've been doing research on this for multiple years. These dinosaurs are alive They're under a big layer of Earth's crust dinosaurs are under it and their heads are bumping against it and Scratching they're pissed off down there and with something we need to worry about when the dinosaurs die It's actually so hot that their bones are floating up to the soil And when they get to the top people in museums pick them up and they're like, oh look at this old ass bone And no, it's not it's only old because it was scratching a bunch of soil going up and it makes it look old So yeah, what I'm saying is they almost got it, right? They got the lizard part right which is almost a dinosaur and or newer It's a newer dinosaur, but the original dinosaurs are under the ground still alive and actually I'm thinking about They kind of actually or they're putting this dinosaur idea on the map. I mean, no one has talked about this No one's ever gotten close. I mean, yeah, there's other lizard conspiracies and stuff and those aren't good But this dinosaur thing is real They're actually doing everyone a favor by by sort of implanting the idea about the dinosaurs in the real By doing the lizard thing now that I'm thinking about it This movie actually kind of rocks. This movie is actually good I think because they are shedding light on potential this dinosaur issue by showing people lizards instead And it's gonna make people prepared for when the dinosaur thing becomes real. They've already seen it before in the Super Mario Brothers movies You know what? We're taking this movie off the skewer stick And now we're getting at five out of five stars, okay This movie is five out of five stars Super Mario Brothers 1993 amazing film and it's going off the skewer stick And it's showing the shoving light on how dinosaurs are real |
wearethesundayblues | 1_000_fans_sing_nickelback_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Look at this photograph, it's a photo of a hit on trash We drive a lost control of the wheel, where the deacon said that you were turning in And that was when I grew up, and then the dog came and dreamed it up Here we stop, here's for all to hear, Nickelback to South Africa Ever since our show, the country's going downhill I think we used up all our power on the live-team show It's time to say that we regret it God, why?
Oh, why?
I don't know where it happened, now we sit here The mental crisis is growing up, we're living in fear That you might say that you've got plans to come back Don't come back In 2013, Nickelback toured to South Africa And quite frankly, things haven't been too great here since And we can only assume it's because of them So Chad Krueger and Nickelback, if you do see this video Please don't come back to South Africa Please Look at this photograph, it's a photo of a hit on trash We drive a lost control of the wheel, where the deacon said that you were turning in And that was when I fucking dreamed it up Here we stop, here's for all to hear, Nickelback to South Africa Ever since our show, the country's going downhill I think we used up all our power on the live-team show It's time to say that we regret it God, why?
Oh, why?
I don't know where it happened, now we sit here The mental crisis is growing up, we're living in fear That you might say that you've got plans to come back Don't come back In 2013, Nickelback toured to South Africa And quite frankly, things haven't been too great here since And we can only assume it's because of them So Chad Krueger and Nickelback, if you do see this video Please don't come back to South Africa Please |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_middle_east_crisis_trump_calls_hezbollah_very_smart_snl | Well, this was a terrible week for the world, but a great week for random idiots who like to share completely unhinged thoughts wherever they can. And weirdly, it's not even on social media anymore. I saw a thousand-word essay called how I'd Fix Palestine, and it was posted in a Yelp review of a Buffalo Wild Wings. even World leaders who could be making it better are making it worse. for example, former President Trump went out of his way to praise the terrorist group Hezbollah, calling them, quote, very smart. though, in Trump's defense, he thinks Hezbollah is the genie from Aladdin.
Lafazza Butler was sworn in as California's newest Senator, becoming the first openly black woman in Congress. um, you mean second, said George Santos. Congress. Who? Your Congressman, George Santos, seen here in a promo for a pawn shop reality show, was indicted on federal charges, including conspiracy, wire fraud, and identity theft. he was also indicted for reckless homicide when that button shot off his jacket and killed a bystander. New Jersey senator and most successful member of the Lollipop Guild, Bob Menendez, was indicted on new charges accusing him of accepting bribes from Egypt. Menendez denied the allegations, calling them as over the top as my new bejeweled Scarab. Republicans on Friday nominated Jim Jordan to be the next House Speaker.
Jordan is best known for denying the 2020 election results, looking the other way on an Ohio State sexual abuse scandal, and for his role as anger in Inside Out. Playboy has cut ties with porn star Mia Khalifa after she expressed support for Hamas. See, lord, I was googling her for work. In a new interview. In a new interview, Jada Pinkett Smith reveals that she and husband Will Smith have actually been separated since 2016. ironically, after he suggested that she should star in G.i. Jane 2. I was telling you what happened. a public library in Alabama has flagged a children's picture book as potentially sexually explicit, just because the author's last name is gay. though, to be fair, the book is titled Gays Porn for Kids. |
SaturdayNightLive | three_daughters_snl | Once upon a time, a prince journeyed to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess for his bride. Ah, Prince Edmund, welcome to our big, cold castle in Europe. it is an honor, your highness. good job killing our dragon. no one asked you to, but thank you. you may now meet my daughter's three and choose one to be your bride. Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird. bring out my daughters, please. Hm. fair maidens, so cool to see. Meet my first daughter, Lucilia. it is an honor to stand before you, Fair Prince. Wow, okay, I love that. my second daughter, Regalia. I know not what to say, and yet I feel not frightened, Prince. good, good, makes sense. And my third daughter, Blondelia.
Hello. Okay, is that it? nice to meet you. right, okay, sure. is everything all right?
Yeah, I guess I just thought there'd be something messed up about her, because there's three of them, and the third one is her. I take great offense. No, I'm sorry, it's just usually like one's pretty, one's smart, and one has something like really wrong with them. but you've only just met.
Girls, tell the Prince about your hobbies. I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the hops accord. I love dancing, and dancing around. And me, I like harpsichord, and I guess also dancing.
Okay, is that why she's weird, because she copied her thing? What are you on about? I mean, it's gotta be Blondelia, but I just can't figure out why. I like painting as well, or archery, I don't know, man, I don't know what you want me to say.
Oh, I know, tell him your favorite foods. little cakes. strawberries, muffins. All right, well, is she like obsessed with muffins? I feel like people like muffins.
Okay, now I'm kinda getting pissed off. Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters? Okay, do a little dance, as normal as you can. All right, all regular hot dancing. does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? what are your laughs? Okay, is it her? because that was awful. Ha, ha, ha, ha. hey, hey, hey. we're all back. Prince Edmund, you have to hurry. you Must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight. ooh, ooh, what happens at midnight? it's just so late. I give up, all right, maybe I'll just leave and go kill a different dragon. Oh no, no, I'm sorry, I've been so rude. just based on the princesses I've met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something. Father, he's right. sometimes one of the girls is weird, on purpose. she'll make a joke out of herself before anyone can judge her. maybe it's because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princess like you, dragon dork. maybe it's a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don't know, I'm just guessing. I'm very normal.
I see, I'm sorry I was judgmental. the truth is, I'm drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch. But isn't that love, Young Man? I guess you're right. All right, I choose number three, Blondelia. Oh! Huzzah, Prince Edmund and Blondelia, blessings upon them. I love you, Blondelia, and you shall be my wife. And I love you. Goodbye, Father, goodbye, Dear Sisters. goodbye. goodbye! It's him every time. |
CrackerMilk | survivor_s_worst_player_of_all_time | Survivors, welcome to elimination. How are we feeling this week, Nick? Look, Jeff, I think that our whole team has come to the conclusion that we have to get rid of Connor.
He is dead weight, he doesn't do anything around camp. He's just really hard to live with. Yeah, man, he's gotta go. He's like a cancer in this tribe, man. All day, just makes fun of me about my gout, my age, my soft skull. He's gotta go.
Emily. Yeah, I agree with the rest of my tribe. Connor's gotta go. Connor, how do you feel about all this? I think I'm a threat, a major threat, and I think these three know that, and that's why they wanna vote me off. Okay, well, let's count the votes.
Sorry, Jeff. I'd like to play my hidden immunity idol. I found this on day one, Jeff. Can't outsmart me. And I hid this and made sure I'd only reveal it when the time was right. Where the hell have you been hiding that? Up my ass. So, Jeff, I'd like to play my idol. That's the twist this season.
There are no hidden immunity idols. What? There is no hidden immunity idols. So, is there like a second immunity idol? No, not even one. Do you think that you've found another immunity idol? No. Do you have another idol up your ass right now? Nope.
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Crock-A-Mole podcast. It's on a separate other channel called the Crock-A-Mole podcast.
So you can go and check that out over there.
Are you drunk? No, dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys got any paint? |
dropout | wait_start_that_story_again_hardly_working | So I swallowed a bunch of water. How far out were you? Oh, I was out of waves.
My feet couldn't touch the ground. Anyway, something touches my leg and I'm just sure it's a shark.
No! Yes.
So I start yelling and the lifeguard clears the beach. Now it turned out it was just some seaweed, but here's the thing. What happened? I went to the beach this weekend and there were signs for a shark. Oh, and you still went in? The beach was open. There was just a sign.
Anyway, I go out farther than I usually do. I get pulled by a wave, so I swallow a bunch of water. I'm taking a second and something touches my leg.
A shark? No, it was some seaweed. But here's the thing. Wait, did you go buy sharks? No, it was seaweed, but here's the thing. This is a shark sign?
Guys, I can't tell the whole story again. No, come on. I want to hear it. Okay.
So, I was at the beach and I go out farther than I usually go. How far do you usually go?
It depends. You just said usually. I meant generally. That's the same thing.
Tell the story. It's not even that good a story. It's been built up too much. No, tell it! Okay.
So, I'm at the beach. Ooh, a beach. Wilbur Beach. Wait, what beach? Wilbur Beach. You were at Wilbur Beach?
Yes. Didn't tell me that. What happened? I'm telling it. I'm at the beach and some seaweed touches my leg, but here's the thing. Whoa, what happened? I was at the beach and I thought I saw a shark. A shark? Yes. What happened?
I'm telling it. So, I'm swimming out.
What beach were you at? Wilbur Beach. What's Wilbur Beach? You don't know Wilbur Beach?
Some seaweed touched my leg and I thought it was a shark. Wait, what happened? Pay attention. Oh, I heard this bit already.
It's not even that good a story. No, tell it!
I'm at the beach and some seaweed touches my leg. Oh, I always think that's a shark. So did Grant. I'm telling it. I heard it already. Some seaweed touched my leg and I thought it was a shark. I always think that.
Yes. So, I start yelling shark. You were by a shark? No. You just said you yelled shark. Yes.
What happened? I thought there was a shark, but there wasn't, but then there was. What happened?
I swam this weekend. I swam out.
How far out did you go? My feet wouldn't touch the ground.
There's always seaweed out there. Yes, and some of it touched my leg. I always think that's a shark. But it wasn't a shark.
No! There wasn't, but then there was. Okay. No. What happened? There was a shark. You just said there wasn't. There was later. What happened?
It's not that good a story. No! Tell it! Some seaweed touched my leg, so I yelled shark. Turns out there wasn't a shark, except there actually was, but I didn't find that out until later. That story sucks.
Like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? Alright. It feels worse. Okay.
Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | In_The_Know_Panel_Analyzes_Obama_s_Furious_Profanity_Filled_Rant_At_Nation | continue to tank. All right? Wow. President Obama just finishing a furious address to the American people. Okay, let's go now to a special live in the know for some post-speech analysis. Whoa. Heaven. What just happened? Was he completely late? I have never seen anything like it.
The President certainly strayed from his prepared statement on the economy this evening, instead choosing to chide the American people for laziness, being demanding, ungrateful, and chronically dissatisfied. What are your reactions to the President's words? I thought he was joking, but then it was like, oh, no, oh, he is serious about this. Yeah, yeah, when he said, oh, I suppose you've all got some brilliant plan on how to fix the economy.
He was literally spitting. He was so mad.
Yes, he did. Okay, okay, okay. Let's look at a clip. This notion that somehow I came in here and ... $800 billion.
Do you just want government to do nothing? Why should the ... government ... in South Carolina, those ... kids are ... in that ...
Gosh. Is that a fair assessment from the President, do you think? Not at all. It's the President's fault. I mean, he needs to make his expectations clear at the beginning of his term. We're not mind readers here. No, you know, I'd be angry, too, if I were President and everybody was telling me all day long how to do my job. Oh, God, you're always up his ass. I am not. Let's go to an Onion News Network Insta poll to see how regular Americans are reacting. Looks like 30% are still sitting in front of their television screens feeling ashamed for making the President angry. You know, personally, I thought that his approach was oversimplified.
I mean, why does he have to yell at everyone when some of us weren't even the ones that were protesting his health care bill or his tax bill? Okay, you know, look, maybe if everybody just went home tonight and actually read some of the legislation that Obama's trying to pass ... No one has time to do that! Well, I'm sick of getting in trouble because some people aren't pulling their wages.
Gentlemen, now in light of this speech, analysts are speculating that it could be quite uncomfortable for Americans tomorrow when the President returns to work. It's going to be super awkward. Yeah, I just don't think we should bring it up. No, I think it'll be fine.
I mean, FDR got angry once at one of his fireside chats when he called America a sad sack hobo dump bucket. And that blew over a couple of days later.
Oh my God, Paula, get in here. Oh my God, Paula!
Did you just see what happened? Did you see it? No, I was in the bathroom.
The President, like, just went off on us. Totally. It was crazy. It was really crazy. The President was like, it was like, you guys are the worst. Olympia Snow cried. And I was just sitting there the whole time like this. Are you kidding me? Coming up on the stands, I'll show you what five things to do with your dead horse that's eating it. The President, like, just went off on us. Totally. It was crazy. It was really crazy. The President was like, it was like, you guys are the worst. Olympia Snow cried. I was just sitting there the whole time like this. Are you kidding me? Coming up on the stands, I'll show you what five things to do with your dead horse that's eating it. |
cracked | 5_biggest_mistakes_in_xxx_2002_cinemistakes | Sorry, everybody.
I was a little bit busy doing a lot of Various kind of X Games tricks with my close friends These are all things that only professionals can do or underground professionals like myself A lot of people think it's a joke, but it's not which is why today on the craptearian collection We are doing 3x on the skewer stick And a lot of people are saying oh you can't skewer that movie because Vin Diesel's awesome in it and he wears motorcycle pants But here's the thing I don't give a shit about that because I'm underground and I'm the punk rock version of the X games We're putting 3x on the skewer stick right now The first reason why 3x is an absolutely terrible movie and it makes no sense is because in real life Extreme sports junkies don't get put on secret missions They're saying that extreme sports junkie can become a secret agent and and be awesome at it and guess what that's not the case for my Life, I'm an extreme sports junkie I'm underground and I'm constantly doing tricks and stuff like that But I don't get I don't get put on missions if I go out and I try and do a triple kickflip People look at me and they say you look like shit You look terrible You look like an idiot what happens to me is I goes around and people don't actually they actually throw dog poop at me and stuff Like that and I can't ride around everywhere because then it smells like shit every time I come home And in fact, my skills are basically probably the same if not more than 3x in the movie plot hole identified Extreme sports junkies are not taken seriously and given secret missions They're actually just laughed at in thread and people throw bad things at him all the time The number two reason why 3x makes absolutely no sense as a film is because they try and make the word Xander a cool name It's not a cool name. It's actually the name of someone who's a piece of shit in the movie Xander cage is really cool He's a secret agent. He fights people. He has knows all kinds of karate and he's actually amazing He's really popular, but in real life people named Xander bully people then if you bring he leaves to school around someone named Xander They absolutely beat your ass He put like Celery or something up in my healy wheels and they get all locked up and I know I'm scooting around all day And I'm not saying that it's the same Xander this Xander had a lot of hair and it the timelines don't work out But here's the thing jokes on him because I'm pretty sure Xander from middle school is on his second DUI and I'm now a manager So yeah who won life I would say plot hole identified Xander's are losers across the board and they're often have multiple Do I's the third reason why 3x makes absolutely no sense?
Not taking bald kings seriously a normal bald king Like myself has to shave completely their head every two to four hours with no guard and that's normal But in this movie you're telling me that Xander cage always has a squeaky clean dome And he doesn't have to shave his head at all. He gets off a flight boom He's got a clean shaved head.
He's sleeping over for the night. He's been a couple days now.
He's got a clean shave head It doesn't make any sense The writers did not build in at least 30 to 45 minutes of this movie to include head shaving They did not represent bald kings in a real way that makes us proud Plot hole identified Xander cage never shaves his head in this movie and you have to shave it two to four hours a day Normally the fourth reason why 3x is not a realistic movie You cannot do stunts like this in real life, and I'm an extreme sports junkies So I would know if there is a trick that you've thought of I have thought of it before and that's because my imagination is Probably one of the top imaginations in the world.
I can just go to sleep and within five minutes I am I'm gallivanting through realms.
You've never even heard of in real life.
Every stream sports junkie Needs at least months of preparation. We need a full safety team 20 30 people We need hospital on standby We need all kinds of teams to do stuff and that's just for a wheelie So yeah, I'm sorry I don't believe it if Xander cage is doing all kinds of wheelies and crazy stuff in this movie Even on the budget of a movie plot hole identified You cannot do stunts like this in real life because you need millions of dollars to do even a wheelie the fifth reason why 3x Is completely unrealistic is bald kings cannot be movie stars.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna say it I've spent over $20,000 going to various acting schools and methods and and every time I do the teachers tell me the same thing They say you are too good You're too muscular too in shape You can't do all your own stunts and all this stuff and be good at everything because you're gonna disrupt the industry too much I just don't believe that Xander cage can be the lead in a movie when he's a bald king It doesn't make any sense if the movie wasn't you know, so bad. It would be inspirational for us bald kings Honestly, this movie might make it easier for me because I can go into an issue room and I can take my 3x poster And be like look at this. This is a bald guy and they took a chance. So take a chance on me you know, so yeah, yeah, maybe I have some problems with the movie stunts are unrealistic, but But maybe they just need me to come in and do a stunt coordination and tell them how to do it the right way You know, honestly, this movie is very inspirational It's showing that a bald king can go on screen even at all against all odds and crush it Despite everyone in his life telling him that they shouldn't do it and they're bad and they can't move forward and they should quit immediately This bald king went up and he crushed it and he did stunts. So yeah I'm thinking 3x office heuristic officially And I'm giving it five stars specifically for Bald King representation and maybe in the sequels they should have him shave his head a little bit more and get me to do the stunt Coordination, but other than that amazing movies highly inspirational The first reason why 3x is an absolutely terrible movie and makes no sense is because in real life Extreme sports junkies don't get put on secret missions They're saying that extreme sports junkie can become a secret agent and and be awesome at it.
And guess what?
That's not the case for my life.
I'm an extreme sports junkie I'm underground and I'm constantly doing tricks and stuff like that But I don't get I don't get put on missions if I go out and I try to do a triple kickflip People look at me and they say you look like shit You look terrible. You look like an idiot What happens to me is I go around and people don't actually they actually throw dog poop at me and stuff like that And I can't ride around everywhere because then it smells like shit every time I come home And in fact, my skills are basically probably the same if not more than 3x in the movie plot hole identified Extreme sports junkies are not taken seriously and given secret missions They're actually just laughed at and thread people throw bad things at him all the time The number two reason why 3x makes absolutely no sense as a film is because they try and make the word Xander a cool name It's not a cool name. It's actually the name of someone who's a piece of shit in the movie Xander cage is really cool He's a secret agent. He fights people. He has knows all kinds of karate and he's actually amazing He's really popular but in real life people named Xander bully people then if you bring he leaves to school around someone named Xander They absolutely beat your ass He put like celery or something up in my Healy wheels and they get all locked up and I know I'm scooting around all Day, and I'm not saying that it's the same Xander This Xander had a lot of hair and it the timelines don't work out But here's the thing jokes on him because I'm pretty sure Xander from middle school is on his second DUI and I'm now a manager Lid so yeah who won life I would say plot hole identified Xander's are losers across the board and they're often have multiple Dois the third reason why 3x makes absolutely no sense not taking bald kings seriously a normal bald king Like myself has to shave completely their head every two to four hours with no guard and that's normal But in this movie, you're telling me that Xander cage always has a squeaky clean dome and he doesn't have to shave his head at all He gets off a flight boom.
He's got a clean shaved head.
He's sleeping over for the night.
He's been a couple days now He's got a clean shave head It doesn't make any sense the writers did not build in at least 30 to 45 minutes of this movie to include head shaving They did not represent bald kings in a real way that makes us proud plot hole identified Xander cage never shaves his head in this movie and you have to shave it two to four hours a day Normally, the fourth reason why 3x is not a realistic movie You cannot do stunts like this in real life and I'm an extreme sports junkie So I would know if there is a trick that you've thought of I have thought of it before and that's because my Imagination is probably one of the top imaginations in the world.
I can just go to sleep and within five minutes I am I'm gallivanting through realms.
You've never even heard of in real life every extreme sports junkie Needs at least months of preparation.
We need a full safety team 2030 people we need Hospital on standby. We need all kinds of teams to do stuff and that's just for a wheelie So yeah I'm sorry I don't believe it if Xander cage is doing all kinds of wheelies and Crazy stuff in this movie even on the budget of a movie plot hole identified You cannot do stunts like this in real life because you need millions of dollars to do even a wheelie the fifth reason why 3x Is completely unrealistic is bald kings cannot be movie stars.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna say it I've spent over $20,000 going to various acting schools and methods and and every time I do the teachers tell me the same thing They say you are too good You're too muscular too in shape You can't do all your own stunts and all this stuff and be good at everything because you're gonna disrupt the industry too much I just don't believe that Xander cage can be the lead in a movie when he's a bald king It doesn't make any sense if the movie wasn't, you know, so bad It would be inspirational for us bald kings Honestly, this movie might make it easier for me because I can go into an issue room and I can take my 3x poster and be Like look at this. This is a bald guy and they took a chance. So take a chance on me, you know so yeah, yeah, maybe I have some problems with the movie stunts are unrealistic, but But maybe they just need me to come in and do a stunt coordination and tell them how to do it The right way, you know, honestly, this movie is very inspirational It's showing that a bald king can go on screen even at all against all odds and crush it Despite everyone in his life telling him that they shouldn't do it and they're bad and they can't move forward and they should quit immediately This bald king went up and he crushed it and he did stunts. So yeah, I'm taking 3x off the skewers to officially And I'm giving it five stars specifically for ball King Representation and maybe in the sequels they should have him shave his head a little bit more and get me to do the stunt Coordination, but other than that amazing movies are highly inspirational |
dropout | hardly_working_douchebag_office | Y'all don't know about my flow like a river I'ma give you one more verse to burst the curse y'all is the worst and I'm coming in first holy shit guys I just came from the south side of the office and it is crazy they look just like us but they're total douche bags let's check it out yeah totally now you guys go I'm gonna stay here and work out my rhymes Jake no one gives a shit if you come in hot hey wait up I don't see anyone look it's douche me um I'm not gonna be a housewife Tyler okay I'm not gonna do my own laundry okay I see how it is just because you lose your job and your mom needs help at home means I can't go to the Hamptons this summer when I was banging her brains out on a pile of money in my mansion situation great comic I'll lend you the DVD I'm on the phone yeah hold on a sec sister you're not nearly cute enough for me to care what you're saying right now so excuse me um Tyler I'm gonna need you to come down here and beat someone up for me it's you wow they're horrible oh look it's douche me I'm just kidding Tyler we're breaking up okay hi so I know you just met and this is so random but this guy's being totally rude yes guy doesn't matter if I bass clone yeah hold on let me call you back this is all really cute but I'm closing major deals here so why don't you two just remove yourselves all right let me get swollen then I'll wreck this bitch oh man Pat douche me is gonna be douche you up douche me looks pretty strong too hey look it's douche me all right what's the problem here what's going on this douche bag is being totally rude okay guy I think you've offended the lady apologize sorry hold on a sec yeah I'm not gonna do that guy again closing major deals here that's understood however I believe you've offended by lady friend the proper course of action yes yes smile for the camera baby man that was crazy no Jake you're never gonna believe it Jake Jake's not here you guys but that means guys are not gonna believe this awesome video I got these two homos fighting |
dropout | bleep_bloop_hotel_room | Hey everybody, I'm Jeff here with Pat and Dan. We are on the Mountain Dew Democracy Road Trip. We're in Indianapolis. We're in our hotel room and we realized they rent video games, so we thought, hey, let's shoot a bleep-bloop. And I wish the hotel staff could join us, because they gave us some very weird looks as we were bringing the cameras up here. Oh, good news guys. They have three different Zeldas in case we're here for the next two months. We can play it, and then if we get really close to Ganondorf, we can just save our game. The next time we're in Indianapolis, we just come back to this exact same hotel room.
Ooh, backyard baseball. I can finally live out my fantasy of playing baseball in my backyard. Custom Robo.
It's like they got distracted while naming it and just forgot to finish the title. Ooh, a Star Fox. Interesting fact about Star Fox, the original name of the game was A Frog Screams At You, and they kept that name in Japan, because it sold better. It's the most normal game they've ever had. Oh man, you remember when the Pokemon channel actually played Pokemon? I don't remember, guys, but based on the cover, it just looks like every other video game fell in two of that and melted together. Luckily, the title is so descriptive, we know what it's about. Ah, video games starring Luigi. It's like playing Rock Band Garfunkel. The cover of Lara Croft Tomb Raider makes it look like we landed in the adult film section. Yeah, and the cover of Super Mario Sunshine is from the weirder adult section.
No Burger Time. This is the worst road trip ever. Yeah, because you had explosive diarrhea earlier. What you call Burger Town.
Okay, this is Sims, so right now we're in a hotel room, which is an artificial version of our homes, playing digital versions of ourselves, leading artificial lives, and you're watching it at home. So this is kind of cool. You can use the controller to change channels, and that's kind of a video game into itself, like, wham! Oh no, look out, it's the news! |
SaturdayNightLive | getting_off_the_phone_saturday_night_live | Really? what did you say? no kidding. do you need help getting. you on the phone again, bitch! f***ing up before I bash your head in! My God, Paul, what are you doing? Oh, you didn't want to get off the phone? Yes, I did, but why would you say a thing like that?
Gee, I'm sorry, Honey. I guess I blanked. that's all I came up with.
I'd better call her back.
I can't imagine what you must be thinking. Yeah, so then what happened? You don't say.
I am Skeletor, spawn of the Hellbeast. hang up that phone and pay homage to my awesome red power. did I mess up again, Honey? oh, God. yeah. you're right. that's so rude. uh-huh. uh-huh. Do you need help again? No. please.
Honey, the police are here! Quick, shove this balloon of heroin up your ass!
Oh, hi. uh, look, good news. we've done all the tests, and, uh, your husband's not retarded. he's just having a hard time coming up with good excuses to get you off the phone, but still, we'd like to keep him here a couple of months, just to be on the safe side. whatever you think is best, doctor. okay. okay. uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. Honey, I need to use the phone. uh, okay, Honey. uh, Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. it was good talking to you, too.
Oh! that was absolutely perfect! that was terrific! Thanks. You know what else is terrific? What?
I killed the dog.
Aah! |
TheOnion | female_scientists_say_domestic_abuse_not_problem | Domestic abuse has long been thought to affect some three million women in the U.S. each year. But a new study from the National Research Center for Women and Families indicates that rates of domestic abuse have now dropped to zero. We appreciate everyone's concern, but domestic abuse just isn't the problem we once thought it was. According to the report, cases previously mistaken for domestic abuse had other perfectly understandable explanations, such as rickety staircases, slippery showers, and poorly placed doorknobs. The research team presented their findings at the National Research Center's semi-annual conference yesterday. The researchers are so confident in their findings that they have denied a grant from the Oregon Department of Social Services to do a follow-up report. I don't think it's any use going over the same data over and over again. There's no domestic violence. I think everyone should just mind their own business. Contrary to our preconceptions, most women are very happy. Now if only we weren't so clumsy. Next, a kitten wins the Honolulu Cliff Diving Championship. |
SaturdayNightLive | crazy_edelman_saturday_night_live | I think you're too good that I must be out of my mind.
Hi, I'm Crazy Edelman, the discount psychiatrist, and my prices are absolutely insane. Schizophrenia, split personality, I can cure your complete for $500. that's right, $500 complete. tell a friend or tell yourself. suicidal, don't kill yourself over skyrocketing psychiatrist bills. Come down to Crazy Edelman where my prices are so low, I must have an inferiority complex. manic depressive, Let me elevate your mood fast. hallucinating, you won't believe your eyes when you see my bill. those, those spiders on the wall may be a figment of your imagination, but these prices are real. hey, what do you see here? I see prices so low that it's practically criminal. it's enough of a steel to satisfy your kleptomaniac. And talking about the criminally insane, we're slashing, hacking, cutting, and even maiming our prices. So come on down to Crazy Edelman for the lowest prices in all types of therapy. we've got Freudian, we've got Primal Scream, group, sexual, and much, much more. all that rock bottom prices, low prices, low prices.
I don't think that's so low.
I must have brain damage. I should be the one on the couch. So please, come on down and check us out. my prices, my patience, and me, Crazy Edelman are all absolutely insane.
Whoo! Whoo! whoo! |
cracked | why_movies_get_alien_first_contact_wrong_we_re_not_alone_episode_5 | Can't believe there's gonna be aliens can't believe we get to meet the alien I can't believe you two doorstops decided to get drunk right now. We're not drunk Certainly not just drunk what we're like maybe a little drunk Only because we did not know we were gonna be part of any future alien contact Stuff today.
Yeah.
Yes definitely assume the two interstellar communication Specialists can knock off early the night we make first contact Shh the president's gonna speak again I'd stop talking Our liaison with the aliens has ended with our envoy murdered by the very aliens with whom he was attempting to make peace America will answer this unconscionable act of aggression with the entire strength of her military arm Thank you and God bless That's good. That's good. That is good. I like that You know, it's hard to be sad and strong, but I Think you got it.
Thank you, madam president tested really well, but hopefully it doesn't come to that We've also prepared a speech in the event that everything goes smoothly obviously Hopefully and hopefully right our team is preparing a the aliens have demands and we don't negotiate with alien speech a We would gladly negotiate with alien speech and a few variations on our envoy died Well if they kill him maliciously versus Accidentally because their hands are made of poison or whatever or they kill him because death is the nicest gift you can give in their species Wow Well, you gotta Plan for everything I understand Just make sure that whenever whatever happens happen that I've got the right speech, right? I'd hate to be delivering a speech about a dead envoy while the on boys right behind me fucking an alien Envoy falls in love with the aliens Dies of a broken heart. We don't have that speech and we should absolutely have that speech. Thank you, madam president Is it normal to write a speech for every possible outcome before an event even happens these brave men The alarm strong and Edwin Aldred know there is no hope for their recovery There's a direct quote from the speech Nixon would have given and our boys gotten stranded on the moon Committed to their sacrifice back in 69 written by William Sapphire before we knew their fate Just in case I just always guess that the biggest speeches in history were like actual passionate moments like a president just Reacting in the moment authentically speaking their heart Heart passion authenticity all synonymous with political theater to that point sponsors sponsors sponsors.
I want logos everywhere Is this the field that we're working with we're certain this is the only field we could these are the coordinates the aliens gave Trey is here to stylize the set. It's open. So that's good, but it's not scanning very American Earth right now Let's remove that bush and bring in an apple tree Can I get one or two apple trees to put behind the president while she's smiling with her guests in the background? Thank you. Go go go go go. Don't worry, honey I know it looks fake but it is going to sell on camera pet name her tray her name's Carl Well, if Carly wants to be in the picture, she's gonna need to wear something red white or blue Brought one outfit to work today and I wore it here.
It's this one again, we really Didn't think we'd be a part of this anymore Who knew the aliens would come here? Right. Otherwise we would have you know done Everything differently. That's a fine strategy to have me I never do things differently Partly because one cannot repeat moments in the life, but mostly because I always make the correct decision to wit Is all the pageantry really necessary the aliens have no context for any of this for all they know The flag could be a tree and the plants could be us. It's not for the aliens is it We're orchestrating the picture that's going to be in the history books for the next thousand years Washington crossing the Delaware would have told a different story if it looked like a bunch of tired starving freezing rebels Terrified and ducking in their boat sneaking across the river. That's why you stand up face forward always have a flag Well, we met what did I say about first impressions? I? Said it's important to control them because people always remember Never mind in case the aliens show up on a mission of war and in case all of my many fail safes in anticipation of such an Absolute eventuality fall apart and in case it turns out the aliens are faster than me in an odd sprint Unlikely and I die today.
I want one thing known. I resent you to being here today And I see people who understand the historical significance of this day I see men and women who were chosen because they understand that what we do is bigger than who we are And I see you too The two people who were here when the call came in and with us thrust into a moment Those two goons decided to drink and make jokes in the face of connection with the cosmos Reserve for the best of the best and you two Just happened to be here I've admired and perhaps close to appreciated your contributions But my eternal sense of justice will always know that you don't belong here. I can't go to my grave. Have you not said that once? Okay, you're not special and you don't belong here. He said one doesn't count.
I was just summarizing my whole thing If I can just say oh My god, they're there. They're yay. It's coming. They're coming Madam president, I just got a phone call.
Your son Rod has been in a car accident. He's completely fine Just a couple of brews drips Again your son is completely fine But the polls have been indicating that the American public views you as a little work obsessed and and hard to relate to Getting you to the hospital now putting family first in a situation like this would go a long way in humanizing you for the American Won't standing next to aliens humanize me.
I mean You will I'm sure be spending a lot of time with aliens in the future But a move like this will go a long way and secure in your re-election Cars waiting The president's writing speech is about the death of our envoy who we even is it I am Obviously I am I'm the senior rigging anything here. Do I need to remind you that you are not special point You're not special Hey everyone, thanks for watching whatever video this is we are crack calm and we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday We're going to be going from five to six videos a week every week from now until the end of time Because we've just got so much so stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make them ups from us We are now on the set of our Breakfast Club remake We're very inattentive to the source material. I Like the six is the most videos we'll ever do from now until the end of time. It's just six We made it there could never be any more than six Washington crossing the Delaware would have told a different story if it looked like a bunch of tired starving freezing rebels Terrified and ducking in their boat sneaking across the river. That's why you stand up face forward always have a flag Well, we met what did I say about first impressions? I Said it's important to control them because people always remember In case the aliens show up on a mission of war and in case all of my many fail safes in anticipation of such an absolute Adventureality fall apart and in case it turns out the aliens are faster than me in an odd sprint Unlikely and I die today.
I want one thing known. I resent you to being here today I look around and I see people who understand the historical significance of this day I see men and women who were chosen because they understand that what we do is bigger than who we are And I see you too The two people who were here when the call came in and with us thrust into a moment Those two goons decided to drink and make jokes in the face of connection with the cosmos This is a moment reserved for the best of the best and you two Just happened to be here. I've admired and perhaps close to appreciated your contributions But my eternal sense of justice will always know that you don't belong here. I can't go to my grave having not said that once Okay, you're not special and you don't belong here. He said one doesn't count.
I was just summarizing my whole thing if I can just say Oh my god, they're there. They're yay. It's coming. They're coming Madam president. I just got a phone call.
Your son Rod has been in a car accident. He's completely fine Just a couple of bruised ribs Again your son is completely fine But the polls have been indicating that the American public views you as a little work obsessed and and hard to relate to Getting you to the hospital now putting family first in a situation like this would go a long way in humanizing you for the American public Standing next to aliens humanize me.
I mean You will I'm sure be spending a lot of time with aliens in the future But a move like this will go a long way and secure in your re-election Cars waiting The president's writing speech is about the death of our envoy who we even is it I am Obviously I am I'm the senior wrecking anything here We need to remind you that you are not special point You're not special Hey everyone, thanks for watching whatever video this is we are crack calm and we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday We're going to be going from five to six videos a week every week from now until the end of time Because we've just got so much so stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make them ups for us We are now on the set of our Breakfast Club remake We're very inattentive to the source material. I Like this six is the most videos we'll ever do but that's from now until the end of time. It's just six We made it there could never be any more than six Subscribe I was being Ali Shidi just now |
cracked | a_cover_of_as_long_as_were_partyin_one_of_my_fav_black_eyed_peas_songs_and_one_of_my_fav_songs | Welcome to Undercover, where I play you covers of my favorite songs. Today's song is As Long as We're Partying by the Black Eyed Peas. And it's not my favorite song. What is my favorite Black Eyed Peas song? They're my favorite band. So this is one of my favorite songs. This is a big episode of Undercover where I play you covers of my favorite songs. I'm going to play you my favorite songs as a cover. So sing along to it!
I'm going to skip the part where it's just beat at the beginning. It's like a long part where it's just that. And that's going to be boring for you. So I'm going to skip it until the music, of course, is not boring. It comes back in.
As long as we're partying, we're going to party all night. As long as we're partying all night, we're going to party all night.
In space. As long as we're partying in space, we're going to party all night. In space.
My mouth's like, what, what, yeah. I'm on the couch and chair. My head's like, what, what, yeah.
Let's put our hands in the air. As long as we're...
This is Fergie's part. And I'm not going to sit here and pretend I can impersonate the Queen of Pop. So let's just imagine that Fergie is singing. Yeah, I'm in the Black Eyed Peas.
That sounds weird. For a couple of reasons. I wanted to make it my own. I know it's chanting at the end of the song, that part. But I wanted to add a melody. To infuse a little bit of myself into it. Because if we're not going to share ourselves on YouTube, what are we doing? You know, but also, I'm definitely thinking of the Black Keys. And like, an entirely different song. So, sorry about that.
But if you liked it anyway, maybe you could subscribe to my channel. Or give a thumb up. Or leave some comments. Like, tweet at me. Tweet me your praise. Or give a comment on my channel.
Not just on the video. But also on the video. Or leave a video response. And then someone might see your video. And they'll be like, what's this response to? And so on, and so on, and so on, and so on. |
dropout | pro_pillow_fighting_with_the_miz | Oh, what is going on now? Oh, dear, you know what that sound means.
It's time for a tag-team pillow fight. Let's bring in my partner. Who's my partner? Me. Meghan!
Austin's capital of Old Eagle Sound! Please welcome America Joe!
Is he my partner? He's your partner!
Okay, this is really weird, all right? I'm in my underwear. It's okay! I'm not wearing any underwear, it's cool. All right.
Please welcome their opponents! Hailing from Wall Street!
The pillow fight and tag team of corporate greed! Big business! Oh, they have so much money! They're so rich and evil!
Excuse you, Rice. Whoa! With my honor, no one calls my co-host, 4-Eyes!
Yeah!
Oh!
The business is drawing him! Oh no! Oh, big business is in trouble!
Man! One! Two! Three!
Yeah!
Get out of here! Get out of here, you rich snog!
They cheered us! Yeah! Happy five! Yeah!
Oh! Sorry, bro. Oh no!
The business betrayed American Joe! American Joe, no! American Joe!
No!
The business! That's right, America! Middle of the night show crew!
This is my bed! These are my underwear! And no one takes me down, ever! Because I'm the miss, and I'm awesome!
Yeah! Woo! All right, get out of my bed.
Hey guys, it's Murph from College Humor. If you like that, check out my new show, Middle of the Night Show, Thursdays at 11, on MTV, starting October 8th, and help me get some of that sweet, sweet TV green. So right now, I only got like... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_wizards_chronicle_year_one_blooper_reel | And to you, Michael, take Ham-Uel as your lawfully wedded husband. I do. By the power vested in me by God, I now pronounce you Ham and Wife.
We did it! The perfect video! Now all we have to do is upload.
Hopefully it does well. Not if I have anything to say about it!
That doesn't serve my YouTube overlords! I shall cast a curse upon you! A curse of non-recommendation! Guys, the numbers are going down! Oh no! We cast Boon of Rennet, where you have no power. It's working! Our subscribers are going up! Those aren't real subscribers! They're definitely bots that need to be deleted, yes! I cast Dispel Subscribers! Oh man, they're going down now! You can't do that!
Wait! We forgot about the most powerful magic of all! What's that, Frank? Our subscribers, of course! Oh yeah! Because of you, I copyright claimed your video because you decided to use Mozart! That's it! Screw the subscribers! Nothing's more powerful than a wizard with a gun! Take again, fucking shiters! Hello? Yes, master! Right away! Well boys, looks like YouTube wants me to go recommend some child porn to Derek in Vermont! But don't think this is over! I'll be back! fuck my bazooka! Glad he's gone! Oh, you bet!
I don't know if you can tell, a bit of a different video this week. We're celebrating one year on our channel. Well, before we do that...
Yeah, so we're standing up and you sit down and you go, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Are you serious? Thank you.
That's dope. Let's do it again. Because of you guys, we surpassed 3,000 subscribers in one year, and we just can't thank you enough. You guys are what keep us going, so please continue to share our content. We need your help to defeat Algorithmius once and for all. And don't forget to follow us on Instagram and Twitter.
There's nothing there. You're pointing at nothing.
You'll edit it. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at WizardsWithGuns or on Twitter at WWG underscore TV. Or they can only follow one. Just retake it. We'll be back to our normal videos every other weekend, but for this one, we wanted to share some behind-the-scenes bonus content.
Thank you and enjoy. Enjoy. Have fun. They're gonna think we did this on purpose. And enjoy. Go add a question mark. Enjoy.
Fuck you. Nobody likes you.
Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe quickly. Hurry.
I have a child. I'm having a kid, guys. That's a good thing, right?
Um. Are you ready? For what? Uh. The joke. I'm gonna take the bloopers. Marker.
Sandy? No. Sandy?
He's not here, man. No, he is here.
Oh. Dang it.
You look real wet. My hands are so wet. Only tied your ties as tight as you tuck me in.
So he looked me square in the eyes of my father and he said, dammit. He looked at me and said, dammit.
Deal. You're not gonna die here. Okay. We can't use that. I'm gonna kill you. Do it again. You're pretty. Alright. So, well, stand up. We're not friends, okay? So there's not a saying as we get up. Alright. Three, two, one. We're not friends.
As if. Your lips should be like.
Hello? Hey, mom. What's up?
Wizards with guns still. The name still works with two people. Instead of three. The name still works.
I'm just saying. It's our record. I'm just saying. I just don't know what I'm gonna say. So. It's just. It's just a fact.
Welcome to Vietnam. I love the smell of placenta in the morning. Morning.
God. Zeus. Two, one. Johnny. Johnny's the coolest. Oh, oh, oh, God.
The lobby. What was that? Are we rolling? Yeah. Are we rolly, rolly, rolly, rolly. That is a.
It was post, post malum. Post malum? No. I thought it was post malum. Post malum. Post. As in cantaloupe?
Did you hear about Vanessa and what happened to her and her kids? What happened to Vanessa? I hit her with the car and her kids.
I have been notified that there is a loose killer on the loose. He is the loosest man I've ever seen. So wise. I'm slithering around. His name is Jerry.
So you're saying milk spoils? Yes. Well, I knew eggs spoiled and things like creams and tarts and. But milk? All of those are made with milk other than the eggs. Do you not know how things are made? Yeah, no, I knew milk. I knew milk spoiled.
You clearly didn't. I gotta go actually. What's in your cup? No, damn it. I wish I said. I need a second to adjust.
Say it out loud. Good one. See, good. It's not even that funny. It's like a medium joke. Say it out loud.
You don't want to put that in the oven at about 1000. What did you just say? I have too much pasta in my hands. Put that in the oven at about a million degrees. That's just so odd. You just can't keep going higher. You don't want to put that in the oven for about one trillion degrees. Just give it a couple of billion seconds. Turn it up too bad. Oh my god, zillion.
Give me your fucking moments. You want points?
Do you remember Jonathan Murphy? No. You don't remember Johnny M? No. John Murphy, our best friend. No. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you remember Johnny? No, I was saying, yeah, really, I don't remember who he was.
Every song didn't just hit you how stupid you look. You look really handsome. That was a lot. Oh, wow. Keep doing this all night. Three, two, one.
I'm going to crush you at Smash tonight. I'm going to smash you at Crush tonight. I just have a crush on you. I want to smash you.
Forget the witness. Wait, you're not allowed to summon me.
Two hamburgers. Okay, ready? What was that, JoJo? Two hamburgers.
It's just business. We're trying to earn a living. Barely living, honestly. I'm practically taping in my suspenders. Squirt's face only gave us a hundred dollars today. It's the hardest anymore.
They got a little bit of barbecue sauce. Oh, that's not coming off. That's on there for good. I have some kind of piece of meat.
I'm an idiot, am I right? Really? Don't talk to people like that. I know you lied to me.
Keep going. Keep your trade in mind, Josh.
It's hot. It should have not been that hot. It's got to be pumpernickel. This is real spicy, bro.
It was bread. Hot bread. It was one slice of bread. Fresh out the oven, probably.
Nobody missed chances to spend time with my family just to make another quick big buck. Wow, I never thought I would die.
Okay, ready? All right, three, two, one. Wow.
I just can't see being a teen without you. Being a teen, being a teen without you.
This is good. Oh, this is worse than that mesothelioma infomercial. Oh, this is more thrilling than John Grisham's The Firm.
How was that? Okay, sponsor. Yeah, sponsor. Okay. Three, two, one. Oh, man. I told you life was fun. |
dropout | We_ve_Actually_Met_Before_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Tiffany Jerm. And I'm Mr. Strong.
Our top story tonight, The Muppets. Are they overrated? Sources are telling me, yes. A whistleblower inside the Henson organization has released documents saying that the Muppets are fine or whatever, but everyone could just take it down about five notches when it comes to them. First of all, Gonzo is the only good one, Kermit is a boring scold, Miss Piggy is a full-on sex offender, and the rest mostly just make dated jokes about like hippies.
That's true. And we've got the Swedish chef out there, out here like, and Rolf is always like, what does Rolf sound like? There's no way you're beating that Swedish chef impression. And Rolf is always like, hey, that's more of Dr. Teeth, but it's something like that. That was oddly good.
The whistleblower says that there are at best two and a half good Muppet movies and that it's telling that the people who are super into the Muppets are never very funny as individuals. Plus, what's the story? Is Sesame Street a Muppet thing?
That's always been wicked confusing. The Muppets aren't the only overrated thing though. Prosciutto for instance, is just thin ham, but everyone nuts all over themselves for it? Silliness.
And dogs? Everybody chill out about dogs. Every dog owner I know has pictures of their dog on their phone and they look that they look at on vacation to cry.
It's actually codependency.
Bananas. Here are seven more things that are overrated. Bananas.
People think they're a good morning food. They don't fill you up much and a little known fact, they're high in histamine.
July 4th, fireworks are overrated in the sense that they scare dogs like mine, a picture of whom I have on my phone. Night Trap is overrated in the sense that he will willingly sabotage a production just for a laugh that only makes sense to the inside crew. The movie Austin Powers is overrated.
I watched it at the Hollywood cemetery before the pandemic and you'd be surprised how many of those jokes are straight on sexual harassment.
Cats are overrated. And I will say as somebody who has a cat in the sense that however much love you give them, it's like pouring it into an empty void.
They don't return it unless it's convenient for them.
Logan and Jake Paul are overrated.
That one's self-explanatory. I hope that doesn't get me in trouble on the internet. One of those Paul voices is going to beat you up, whichever one is the angry beating mob buttons. The idea that someone would hear you criticize cats and be like, that's fine. And then be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Logan Paul? Over the line, my guy!
One of them is going to beat me up. Do they both box at this point or is just one of them a wannabe box? No, just the cats are.
Oh, got it. Finally, I'm overrated. My success has been entirely right place, right time and a total coincidence. And if you're a fan of me, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy where I put myself in stuff. That's absolutely right.
We'll go now to a brand new member of the news team, Jamie Lotion for weather. Jamie, nice to meet you. Oh, um, this is awkward. We've actually met before.
Oh my God. I hate this so much. This is the worst.
Fuck. Yeah.
Where did we meet? Um, where did we meet? We both went to Hanum elementary school and we literally were in class together from kindergarten through sixth grade.
Sorry. I don't remember that. I was... Fill in the blank. I was the kid in the back of the class who was just eating lots of glue. So those early years are just a blur to me. Okay. Jamie, we apologize on behalf of the rest of the news team.
It really is nice to meet you. Oh, we've actually met before too.
Shit. Yeah. Shit.
All right, where? Okay, well, it's kind of a long story.
In third grade, my parents surprised me with a trip to space camp, which was a really big deal for me because I loved space and I was the youngest in the group and I was also the only girl. We were on a mission together, a fake mission. I was in mission control and I had a panic attack and started crying. And you came in and you gave me a flower and made it all better.
Uh-huh. What were you wearing? It's kind of a long story. I was supposed to be wearing my space camp shirt tucked into my cargo shorts, but during the panic attack, I had wet myself, so I had to change. So we went to the gift shop in space camp and the only thing they had was a men's extra large t-shirt. Are you crying? Yeah. And so we wrapped a belt around it and everybody knew I didn't fit in. I apologize.
Maybe you should just introduce yourself to the audience. I've actually met the audience before. Where? It's kind of a long story. Three days before space camp, we had gone throughout the rest of Florida and I was on a ride at Disney World and I puked and I hid in my seat and I slipped out and I almost died, but the audience was underneath the ride and caught me. And so I didn't die. Did you know them as the audience at that point?
Yeah. And they've been traveling as a collective group this whole time. Yeah. I'll just come right out and say it.
If someone doesn't remember meeting you, it means you're not memorable enough and it's your own fault.
We'll go now to a sexy hustler that we let do sports. He's very, very sexy. Oh, hi.
Gosh, you caught me right in the middle of a game of pool. This is the middle of a game of pool. You're the pool expert. You tell us. No, no. I know that I know everything about pool, which is why this with the cue stick on the table is the middle of a game of pool with the chalk and the cue ball. That's all the middle. The plastic covers around the fucking balls and that's the middle of the game of pool.
Well, this explains why you're so good. Why don't the balls are good? Yeah, I know it explains why I'm so good.
Which is why I removed the cover for the middle of the game of pool. I love playing pool.
It's a game of patience and angles. I'm a very patient man and I know just how to hit the spot.
That is sexy. I love the feeling of using my big stick, you know, say, would you want to watch me knock in this entire rack of pool balls? I'll tell you what, after every time I hit the ball, I'll say something sexy to you. Would you like that? I'll bet you would. Great.
It's weird that this qualifies as the news. It's weird that he has to chalk up his cue in the middle of a game of pool. That is weird. There's different thoughts about that. Some people say that you should re-chalk pretty frequently, even in the midst of a game of pool like the one I'm playing now.
It's good to have the table be just right up almost at nipple height. For sure. Yeah. Oococky! I guess that was sexy. Okay. Hold on one second. Foot stuff. Okay. Here we go. And froggy style.
So sir, it's nice to meet you, but we have to move on. Oh, actually we've met before.
Really? When? Where?
How? Not how do you make them?
How does it work in outer space? In outer space, there is a different gravity. I was going to say no gravity, but obviously if you're closer to some large celestial bodies, there will be gravity forces there.
So you need to play pool, not just in the two dimensions of the table, but also three dimensions. If I don't hit a joke in this explanation, it's because I got too excited about thinking about how that would work.
Very sexy. Now I would be getting more balls in this pocket right here, but it's totally full of balls. That's the sexiest thing you've said so far. That is hugely sexy.
That does it for us. But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Samwise Reich. As punishment, they're going to have to go around and tell the real actors where they think they first met to see if their stories line up.
Cool. Katie.
Marovitch.
I believe we would have first met when you were an intern at College Humor, probably out on the floor of the office somewhere. I remember it exactly. Oh shit. Your former assistant took me into your office, which was on the fourth floor. We were on the fifth floor and I said hello because we have a family connection, which you don't remember.
We're cousins.
Trab. Yes. I think we would have met, didn't we meet back in New York? Maybe. Shit.
To be honest, my first concrete memories of meeting you is when we were talking about the writer's position and bringing you out to LA. I think the first time we met was before I started working at College Humor.
It was actually at a Halloween party in which you were dressed as Dr. Robotnik or perhaps Mr. Eggman. Yes. To be fair, you were in costume and I was in costume.
There's no reason.
You would have recognized me or known me, but I think that was the first time I met you. I'm so far mortified. Please tell me that we met when you were a writer for um, actually. We met five years before that. Now obviously when I became your employees, obviously when I became a full human being, but prior to that in New York City, we had a 15 minute conversation at Chelsea Piers with you and your lovely wife Elaine. When I was a house performer at UCB where I talked about how meaningful Dutch West was, your old sketch group over a long dinner where I was a guest of Josh Rubin and Vince Pam.
Fantastic. Well, I'm an asshole. But it's totally full of balls. That's the sexiest thing you've said so far. That is hugely sexy. That does it for us.
But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Samwise Reich. As punishment, they're going to have to go around and tell the real actors where they think they first met to see if their stories line up.
Cool. Katie.
Marovitch.
I believe we would have first met when you were an intern at College Humor, probably out on the floor of the office somewhere. I remember it exactly. Oh shit. Your former assistant took me into your office, which was on the fourth floor. We were on the fifth floor.
And I said hello because we have a family connection, which you don't remember. We're cousins.
Trab, I think we would have met, didn't we meet back in New York? Maybe. Shit. To be honest, my first concrete memories of meeting you is when we were talking about the writer's position and bringing you out to LA. I think the first time we met was before I started working at College Humor. It was actually at a Halloween party in which you were dressed as Dr. Robotnik or perhaps Mr. Eggman. Yes. So to be fair, you were in costume and I was in costume. There's no reason, and you would have recognized me or known me, but I think that was the first time I met you. I'm so far mortified. Brennan, please tell me that we met when you were a writer for um, actually. We met five years before that. Now obviously when I became your employee is obviously when I became a full human being, but prior to that in New York City, we had a 15 minute conversation at Chelsea Piers with you and your lovely wife Elaine when I was a house performer at UCB where I talked about how meaningful Dutch West was, your old sketch group, over a long dinner where I was a guest of Josh Rubin and Vince Pam.
Fantastic. Well, I'm an asshole. |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_1 | Poggin' the toaster! Sorry, it's really jammed in there. Oh, that bagel was too thick. Too close to the sun. Hey guys, why's the floor all wet? Sorry, that was me. I spilled my big water jug.
Don't worry, though. I laid down some nice copper wire to keep her shoes dry. Good idea. Oh, that's fine. Got it.
Ooh, look, a penny. Murph, Murph, wake up! It's free bagel day. Oh, yes, dibs on this fat one. Last one of the toasters around thick.
No! No one go to the kitchen. No one. Why would I toast the bagel? Why would I not go to the kitchen?
I just had a final destination premonition. After we go to the kitchen, Pat gets his bagel stuck in the toaster, and we all get electrocuted. But as long as we stay in here, we should be safe.
Oh, I'm pretty sure my bagel will fit. Classic bagel mistakel. Seems fine now, but those toaster slots are smaller than you think.
Also, we all die screaming. I'm going to risk it. But why? I could spend the rest of my life in fear, running from death, flinching at every shadow, choking down cold bagels with colder cream cheese. Or I could stand up and face death in the eyes, like a man my father.
It burns! Oh, it burns! 5,000 suns! Oh, oh, it fires completely!
What's that smell? He's shitting himself.
So why don't we all just think about that while I take this box of loose knives down to the mail room? Blood on the stairs. That's a fire hand.
It's just the beginning. Death is coming for us. None of us, none of us are safe.
Hey, guys, I'm safe. Thanks for not telling me about free bagel day. I mean, physically safe.
My feelings are very hurt. Fuck!
As long as we stay in here, we should be safe. Oh, I'm pretty sure my bagel will fit. Classic bagel mistakel. Seems fine now, but those toaster slots are smaller than you think.
Also, we all die screaming. I'm going to risk it. But why? I could spend the rest of my life in fear, running from death, flinching at every shadow, choking down cold bagels with colder cream cheese. Or I could stand up and face death in the eyes like a man my father could be.
It burns! Oh, it burns! 5,000 suns! Oh, oh, it fires completely!
What's that smell? He's shitting himself.
So why don't we all just think about that while I take this box of loose knives down to the mail room? Blood on the stairs. That's a fire hand.
It's just the beginning. Death is coming for us. None of us, none of us are safe.
Hey, guys, I'm safe. Thanks for not telling me about free bagel day. I mean, physically safe.
My feelings are very hurt. Fuck! |
cracked | the_fatal_logical_flaw_in_the_harry_potter_universe_episode_3_of_3 | You all know the story of this special boy with the lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy But you don't know this story about a rad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to Mugglelands instead One bright wizard girl tried to fetch the boys back. Only they weren't boys anymore SIREN! SECUOUS! I ought to cruisy honest you into the fucking stone age for this shit! And you, Brutus, Judas, fucking Benedict, Arnold, Jane Cobb, Snow, motherfucker! Actually, Snape turned out to be alright.
I don't give a mummy shit! How could you do this to me, Dale? I mean, Ron, I mean, don't! Fuck you! Shhh! Keep your voices down!
The stroke of luck that went even in here alone. We need to try to use surprise to our advantage.
For what? To kill what's his ass?
You think you can just drag me here 48 hours after meeting me and I'll fucking wing your thing for you? Shhh! Not with that attitude. Shut up! Give me drugs. Okay, alright. Here's what we're gonna do. Donnie! You run around distracting everyone like an asshole until you get that, or blown up, or whatever. It is my honor to die for you. Shut up! Stacy! If we do this thing, I want you out of our apartment. Deal. Shut up!
I can't believe you! It's like you don't even feel guilty for the lives you could've saved! Hey!
Those people are probably all in paintings of discos and ranches and shit now. You know, when I was a kitten, I had a wizard trading card. That asshole actually left sometimes to appear on other kids' cards.
You think Dale Earnhardt gets that kind of deal? What does that even mean?
That the afterlife is bullshit for wizards! Hey! Gandalf's probably still alive in a tree or beard hair or some shit. So quit bitching about it to me and let's kill this prick and get the fuck out of here! Fine!
You know, there's plants that are alive and so forth, you know? Maybe your friend's is plants.
Intruders! Turn! Slowly! Who dares breach the Dark Lord's private sanctum whilst he is otherwise engaged? Just because you're a wizard doesn't change the fucking epoch we're in, alright? You don't have to act like that. What is it? I don't like being disturbed when I'm with the househouse. Prisonize your douche chills, ship. Oh!
Who's this ass captain? Are you sure this is a guy? He's got a nose and hair and shit.
I'm an evil, all-powerful wizard.
I can look however I want. Oh, you thought pedophile with glaucoma was the way to go? I like the eyes! Fair enough, you like, keep the eyes. You don't have to look like a pedophile.
Can it be? Can I get double confirmation this morning?
After all these years. Yeah, you're getting real close, buddy. Want some pedophiles? Yeah, okay, alright.
You made me! Bring this on! Hey! Do you believe in magic? Say hello to my little scop- Yes, yes, yes! Fire chicken bladders! Up, down, scream, laugh! Alright, let's get it, let's go! You'll see me inside the house! Man, my masculine was in there! Wonderful, wonderful!
Looks like your bully has brought wands to a gunfight. They were fools. Well, you made your main bodyguards, so... Useless muggle crap!
I can do this all day, silly boy! We're ready! Don't you want to know what happened to your parents? Shit, shit, shit! Yeah, are you serious? Yeah, I ain't walkin' nowhere, alright! I'll say I'll take it! Too slow, motherfucker! Whoa! That was so easy!
Yeah, well, guns win. Tale as old as tag. Okay.
His dad seems like once he had a few bucks in his robe. And I bagged some of the ashes of that guy next to him, because, like, what if Wizard Ash gets you hot?
We don't know. He truly was our greatest con ever. But he's not really dead.
We must destroy all seven Horcruxes otherwise... No, no, no, no. Forget that. Fuck that crap.
The deal was, we kill him, you move out. Home, James! We must destroy his soul completely, otherwise he could return any time. Well, we killed him super fast this time, so we'll just do it again.
I don't care about any of this. Chang, wuggin' this. I've finished wiping house elf residue off of the...
Mr. Foreign Minister? I never thought it could happen.
We can start a whole new revolution here. Now! What the fuck is this now?
You three have saved millions! Oh, sure, sure. Hey, mail me a cheque.
And not in fucking wizard gold, asshole. Although it was really my idea. I wasn't hiding for like eight years and all. Much in vain, my dear. You've averted a wizardly invasion of the muggle world that would have cast us all in darkness. Oh, we didn't even know that. She just wanted to move back because she's queen shit wizard and can't hack it in the real world.
That's right, that's what happens. As a matter of why, you have my thanks.
Now leave this evil place. There is much work to be done. Actually, I would like to stay here, if I could. It will be very dangerous.
So, that's it then? So long?
Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. No. No, yeah, okay, sure. Yeah, no. I just saw it. Nah, yeah, never mind. Okay. A freak. Yeah.
I just thought we could end up together, you know? It was meant to be or something. You kidding me? If anything, she'd end up with me.
I'm a mean fucking guy. Oh, God, thank you. I really didn't like them. Honestly, if I never see them again for the rest of my life.
Prime Minister Wendell Magicman, it is my duty to inform you that the contents of this universe have been illegally derived from a pre-existing universe. We must therefore invoke our right to hostile take over. What? Okay, not the east. Wait, wait, wait. There are other universes. How could I not know that I'm the Prime Minister of Wizards? Ignorance of space-time laws, no excuse. Shut it down, Bizarro, Ron and Hermione.
Ew.
Yes, very good. Mm-hmm. Quite shut down over there. Good work. Crap.
Shut down two of these candles, leave one, and then later we'll shut it down all the way out. So we have lighting to work with. You never shut down the lighting first.
Remember that. Maybe, uh... Get there. Mm-hmm.
God damn it! Oh! Oh, God!
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now and dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to con muggles. Donnie, show her the gold.
All day!
I'm not your savior.
Ow!
The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow.
All day!
If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what I'll do. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugged little genius.
All day! |
TheOnion | How_To_Tell_Your_Mom_You_re_Not_Coming_Home_For_The_Holidays_reddit_askreddit_question_viral | What's the best way to tell your mom you're not coming home for the holidays? Just tell her, Mom, I'm gay and also there were no affordable flights out of Boston. She'll understand. Tell her that your pig is sick. No good mother would ever try to wedge even a smidgen of guilt between a person and their poor sickly hog. It will be hard for her to hear, but just explain to her that you've been getting much closer with them, and that you're planning on spending Christmas with ISIS this year. Try to assure her that she'll have just as much fun psychologically torturing the rest of the family that she probably won't even notice you're gone. Say you're Jewish now. If she gets mad she's an anti-semite and no one wants an anti-semite as a mother. Explain that Thanksgiving is a backwards custom that celebrates the wanton destruction of the indigenous people who were here before the white colonizers and slavers, and we should be ashamed to commemorate such a blood-soaked tradition. She'll be thrilled not to have you and your exhausting talking points around. Tell her you're dead. |
SaturdayNightLive | winston_graff_recording_session_saturday_night_live | Okay, now, Winston, the levels look good. we're going to record a few, all right? I'll tell you, I'm a huge fan.
Oh, he's the best. did you see him in Newport with Sandy Rollins? Oh, he was amazing, amazing.
I mean, they burned for an hour. at least, at least.
Winston, what song are you going to start with? Yeah, we're going to start with Step Down Till The Get Down.
All right, whenever you're ready. One, Two, One, Two, Three, Four. Yeah. that's it. Groove. Yeah, all right.
Where's the Beat? Yeah. did you hear that? Yeah, I thought he just said, where's the Beat? Maybe he just said, where's the Beat? Where's the Beat? That's right. All right, now, where's the Beat? Yeah, he said, where's the Beat? Where's the Beat?
All right, Winston, let's stop. Winston, stop. yeah, what is it, man? are you just aware that you just said, where's The Beat on the last take? Hey, you know, we're just in a groove. you know, why'd you interrupt us? we thought you might not want Where's The Beat to show up on the recording. hey, man, whatever. you know, this is Jam. everything else is sounding great, though, Winston. you're the greatest. you're the greatest.
You know, we'll just do another take. whenever you're ready, we're rolling. All right. one, two, One, Two, Three, four. take it on. Yeah. all right. Nannoo, Nannoo. Yeah, let's groove. he just said, Nannoo, Nannoo. let's stop, take. stop, take. Whoa. Winston, you just said, Nannoo, Nannoo. yeah, you know, we're getting way out there, you know, like Robin Williams. Look, Winston, we're not here to censor you, but when you think of good, classic jazz, you don't really think of Mark and Mindy. All right, man, let's just do it. maybe watch the chatter this time. Hey, man, things just come out, man. I just got to go with the flow, you know? you're sounding great, though, Winston. let's roll. take 19. one, two, one, two, three, four. Yeah. good, good, now.
I pity the fool. just let him go. just let him go. Mmm, yeah. who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters. All right, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. All right, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Winston. when you did that Mr. T thing, I thought I'd just let you go, but you just quoted a whole lyric from Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters theme. Well, you know, man, we just starting to get, you know, spooky there for a minute, you know? we creating some jazz ghosts, you know? And who you gonna call when you got jazz ghosts? The Ghostbusters. that's me, man. we're just trying to help, Winston, you know?
And why don't you just let me play and I'll worry about the music, all right? All right, so let's roll tape. All right. one, two, one, two, three, four. yeah, all right, now. E.t. photo. yeah, groove it. sit on it, yeah. kiss my grit spell, all right. he who smelled it dealt it, yeah. it's clobberin'' time. Morgan Fairchild, that's the ticket. Jazz back. there's two dares on B-witch, yeah. me Chinese, me play joke. me put beefy in your cook, yeah. take it on, boys. that's a wrap. All right, then. let's get this record out. |
cracked | you_say_potato_digo_estas_muerto | Come on! Prank war!
Daniel. Pretty sneaky, sis. I feel like I missed the beginning of this conversation. When I got to work today, you know what I thought?
Everything's regular. This is gonna be a regular day.
Are you doing me? These are my thoughts. And then I saw how you tweaked my scribbler. I'm sorry, I'm just no closer to understanding what we're talking about. I'm gonna murder.
Prank your face. It's on! Hold on.
Murder? I pulled murder out of that last part. Murder?
You may have started this prank war, but I'm gonna end it. No. A prank war? We already did a prank war, Michael.
So clearly I'm the last person who would want to start another prank war. Did someone say prank war? No, no. Prank war? Michael. Prank war. Just don't do this. Prank war. We already did one of these. Prank war. Wank poor. I mean, prank war. Prank war. Prank war!
I am Orion! And prank! Oh! Michael! Oh! Prank tato! Prank war! My body!
There. We're even. I win. Is that what it even means?
Prank tato.
Hey! What are you hiding under that shiner? Not trying to prank me again, are you? Because I will get you back. I'm having so much fun. Michael, I have never played a joke on you, alright?
I need you to believe that we're not in some kind of trick-murder contest. Prank murder contest. I really wish murder was the word we were arguing over in this sentence.
Fine. Truths. For 24 hours. For always. Forever. Just, I'm telling you, I will never play a prank on you. Ever. Okay.
Gasp. Couldn't even wait a full day, eh, O'Brien?
Hey, sweetie. Sweet-er. Sweet. Mandy? Hey, Dan.
What happened to your eye? I miss you.
You seriously don't smell that? Can't be my deodorant. I changed it like you asked, so it wouldn't remind you of... me. Smells like a gallon of nail polish remover.
People are fainting.
What is this? My eyes! Do-do-do with the rat poison, dip, I flip, or write in Dan's sandwich.
Michael, this has to stop. You know that, right? I see you recovered from my prank. Which, when you think about it, is sort of a prank in itself. No. No, it's not. Nothing I do is a prank, Michael. Oh, and P.S. Rick, that guy who got your nail polish remover in the face, he's blind. That's awful.
Yeah. You must be wracked with guilt. Me? I haven't done anything. Oh, yup.
Your prank's my knee. You pranked it, remember? I didn't prank it or prunk it, and I didn't prank-prunk your pen or your- Okay, calm down, alright? Look, new deal. I will not prank you ever again if you don't prank me. Okay, and to you, pranking you means- Anything in my life changing in a way that I notice.
Deal? It was a knife the whole time. Did you move my chair? Michael, why would you wear a mask? It's Michael. I know. Now, did you move my chair? Yes, I did.
I'm sorry. I didn't want you to trip on it. Well, now it's time for the ultimate prank. Death by gunshot wound. Just like in my favorite movie, Milo and Otis. That never happened to me. Take it back! Sorry, Milo shot Otis. I don't know what you want me to say.
I want you to admit that I'm the prank master. Okay, you're the prank master.
Yay! Thanks for this, Dan. You know, some of the other guys have been doing volleyball, but this is way better. Did you actually bring a loaded gun into the- Oh! That's it, O'Brien. Gun pranks, starting now! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Demanding_Dutton_A_Clear_Message_A_Growing_Trend_More_January_20 | You're listening to the Betuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, it is Friday the 20th of January. My name is Wendell Hussey, I've got Effie, Euphemia, Bateman in the booth with me today and I am leading in because Clancy and Errol are doing stuff, I think Clancy's got a long lunch somewhere, Errol may be on the golf course potentially, I believe it's a business meeting on the golf course, yes a business meeting, Accounts has been told that it is a business meeting as well so any card deductions etc. All that sort of stuff, so it is myself and Effie wrapping up the week in news and it has been quite a week in news, we've got the culture wars stirred up over a voice to Parliament, we've got the fallout from Nazi uniforms at 21st and potentially more uniforms and outfits to come, yeah we've got cracks in millennials, it has been a big week, we have returned with gusto from the Christmas break and we're getting back into it and things are heating up so we shall get into it, Effie what is the first headline that we've got? And kicking off and a bloke who refuses to reveal why he left the police force has furiously demanded more detail on the Indigenous voice to Parliament, yes talking about the opposition leader Peter Dutton's attempts to muddy up the waters of the referendum by constantly asking the same question, the Albanese government has been trying to push forward with a referendum on an Indigenous voice to Parliament which was an election promise and he's been adamant about trying not to confuse people by providing every single detail about how it would work, when it would work etc etc. The simple premise for that according to the government is that it should simply be a vote on whether you believe in a voice to Parliament as a concept or not. But a civil process void of hot take anti-woke headlines is not what Peter Dutton has in mind with a former cop doing a media tour of the country pretending like he's trying to protect democracy from some existential threat that the Albanese government is trying to slide through. Yeah detail detail detail has been the word of the week with Dutton pretty keen on hearing every single detail despite never providing any details on why he left the police force or why people say he had dog food left on his desk at the police force or why he gave a contract to a company based on Kangaroo Island which was worth $423 million without any transparency or even in fact why a humble Queensland cop is worth tens or maybe hundreds of millions of dollars. Not keen on providing details on any of those things weirdly enough as Peter Dutton might be a bit disingenuous this desire for details, who knows. He read through some documents and said there were some punctuation errors so that's been completely rewritten as well. He's a real cross the T's dot the I's kind of guy yeah big detail guy. We're moving on down to New South Wales for our next big story this week and the headline reads like this, anyone else want to have a crack?
Ask Pokesector after months of research digs up a Nazi costume. What a story this was, yes Dominic Perrete coming forward and revealing that he wore a Nazi uniform to his 21st birthday which you must have clearly thought was the height of comedy at the time I'm thinking sort of edgelord sort of stuff. Yeah he's trying to like shock factor yeah. Yeah yeah the appalling decision led to a teary apology this week with Dom apologising for his behaviour. Yeah understandably most people were pretty shocked and horrified by the revelations that he wore a Nazi uniform to his 21st birthday but it's since been confirmed that Perrete was made aware of that blast from the past a short time after promising to introduce regulations on poker machines like cashless gaming cards. Obviously that was something that didn't go down particularly well with the powerful gaming lobby who run the state of New South Wales. So after David Elliott who's on the board of the Castle Hill RSL club and whose son works for aristocrat made the call to Dom warning him about the fact that a Nazi uniform scandal was about to drop the Pokesector has released a statement asking if anyone else wants to have a fucking crack at trying to regulate them. Chris Mintz has actually responded saying he does want to have a crack he's going to introduce some legislation as well so I believe they're digging up costumes on him some allegations yeah that as we published on the story that they found of him in a Zulu warrior costume not good at all.
Ben Gallard left a comment on this one there were lots of comments lots of angry comments understandably I've chosen to ignore those and I'm just going to offer up Ben Gallard's one where he said I did not see this coming. Love your work Ben.
And now some news from the land of the long white cloud and Kiwi Prime Minister has become one of the millennials quitting workforce in record numbers after being forced to return to the office full time. Yeah Jacinda Ardern has confirmed that she literally can't even right now. The internationally popular Prime Minister of New Zealand announced her bombshell resignation this week saying she's leaving her job and she's had enough. Yes she is done with the public sector and has decided to job hop and take a far more lucrative position at the Otago Credit Union which is promising $98,000 a year plus super. Which is a big big deal in New Zealand.
It's roughly the equivalent of about 15 to 20,000 Australian dollars but it buys her a house outright in in the cargo where she's going to be based as a manager of this credit union. Apparently her parents are over the moon stoked dream job worked out perfectly for her so really happy.
Yeah good on her and we're going to finish up with a very hard hitting heartwarming local story and it's been confirmed that a weird guy who did a poo in the urinal in year eight is now really into ice baths. Yeah it is an interesting correlation that has been discovered this week. If you aren't on social media you might have missed the trend that is people posting videos of themselves doing ice baths, huffing, puffing, being extremely cold, looking extremely uncomfortable. It's all over TikTok, Instagram, Facebook etc and it's a new fad that has taken certain groups of people by storm and it's been revealed that there is a particular link between that and previous behaviour of these types of people. Yes a local man by the name of Coin Peckham is one of the men starting to let the practice of plunging oneself into frigid water define him as a person. And as a former schoolmate confirmed Coin was the man who did a shit in year eight because it was the height of comedy. As his classmates said to us, his posting about getting in an ice bath every morning was enough to remind about the time he did the shit in the urinal, violently laughed his head off while everyone who was present tried to leave the situation as quickly as possible. Have a great weekend and we look forward to talking to you soon. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_s_best_one_interview_experts_part_1 | So, is this the actual doomsday book? This is the actual doomsday book, yes.
And it's usually under glass, isn't it, this book? Well, usually, it's not accessible at all, so it's very rarely on display. So this is really quite a special occasion that we've got it out for you to be able to see it today. So, you're not allowed to touch it?
No. I thought that was because of the curse. The curse? Yeah. I heard that there was a curse on it. I've definitely not heard that, so I don't think there's a curse.
I thought it was going to be like, you know, Raiders of the Lost Ark? Mm-hm. Where that Nazi gets his face melted off. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going to be like that. I'm afraid not. Oh.
If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Because some of those monkeys that lived a long time ago turned into other monkeys that we see today, like chimp monkeys and so on. All right. So, the monkeys that didn't turn into humans, they must be gutted that they didn't turn into humans.
Right, sometimes when I watch these past-life hypnosis programmes on satellite channels, all the people on those, they're always ladies-in-waiting or gladiators. They're never monkeys. Why is that? Probably because they don't actually remember their past lives. It's probably not true. But I find it easier to believe that I was a lady-in-waiting than a monkey. Well, it's maybe easy to believe that your ancestors were ladies-in-waiting, but I don't see the problem between believing both that your ancestors were ladies-in-waiting a few hundred years ago and before that were monkeys.
How much money gets made at Christmas? Altogether, I'm sure we spend hundreds of millions of pounds at Christmas.
And how big a cut does the church get? The church doesn't get anything. They don't get anything?
No, no. The supermarket near me has got about 30 tills. How many tills does Amazon have? They must have large. They don't have any tills.
What? They have a computer. One computer?
Yeah, because no-one goes there, do they? They just... I know, but I thought they'd still have to ring it through.
No, the computer does all that. So there's one man at a computer just going? No, I don't think there's a man. No, no, it just goes automatically. You do that, you're the till.
Did the printing press actually change anything of significance? If Gutenberg hadn't invented printing, which meant that ideas could be communicated throughout the world, our culture would not have developed in the same way as it has. So in many ways, he has made the world our modern world today. So that's your idea of significant.
So how does the Doomsday book compare to a book like The Runaway by Martina Cole? Well, I've not read The Runaway by Martina Cole, but I think...
It's really good. OK, I think that's a work of fiction, so it's a made-up story, whereas Doomsday is recording the land and land-holding in England before the normal conquest and after the normal conquest. It kind of lists who holds land and what's within that land and how much it's worth, and it does that in a lot of detail. So Roger holds a land here called... It's just called Milderhope. It's probably going to have a different name now.
So how can we free the people living in this book? Well, they don't live in the book. But their souls are inside the book.
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think this records information about them, but it's not... They're not in there. It's just, you know, it's just a record about them. It doesn't sort of contain their being or anything like that. We don't need to worry about them.
Are you sure? I'm sure. I've got an expert here with me. Or have I? Or am I here? Maybe I'm imagining them or they're imagining me. Or am I? Hello, philosophy lady. Am I here? Yes.
How do you know? Well, I can see you. I can probably feel you. I can hear you.
Lovely warm hands. Thank you.
It is possible that I'm dreaming. Yeah. Or I could be dreaming too, couldn't I? Oh, you could be dreaming, yes, but you asked me whether you were here. So if you were dreaming, that wouldn't have happened? No, if you were dreaming, that wouldn't have happened. If I were dreaming, then my belief that you are here might be false. Right. And unless I can tell that I'm not dreaming, therefore, it's possible that you're not here. Yeah. But if we both sort of nip ourselves... Well, the trouble with nipping yourself like that is you might dream that as well. I mean, any test you can do to see whether you're awake, you could do when you're asleep. Any belief that could be false if you were asleep is a belief of whose truth you can't be certain unless you can be certain that you're awake.
A lot of revolutions seem to be about poor people overthrowing the rich. Do you think billionaires like Elon Musk should be worried about getting guillotined? I think that the French Revolution certainly made a lot of people who were powerful very, very worried about their existence. I suppose Elon Musk could invent a machine that chops his own head off electronically before the mob arrives.
Ah, you know much more about this than I do. I'm just guessing.
What is a building? A building is anything that anyone has built. So my shoes are a building? They may not be a building. They're a physical object. I guess a building is also something that people in some way live in or inhabit. Right.
My nephew makes buildings in Minecraft. How much more does he need to do to be considered a qualified architect? Well, to be a qualified architect in this country, you have to study five years at university and do at least two years in professional practice. And how many of those years would be studying Minecraft? Very few of them. You could continue looking at Minecraft at the same time, but you wouldn't normally use Minecraft as part of an architectural education.
Have you thought about just selling celebrities, you know, for their organs? Because I'm sure someone would pay a fortune for like John Bishop's kidneys. No, we haven't thought of that. And I think that the comedians do quite a lot for us sometimes that they don't want to do. And I suspect the sale of bodily parts would be slightly more than they or their representatives would.
It'd be a talking point, though, wouldn't it, if you had John Bishop's kidneys? It would be a slightly more big talking point if John was no longer alive. I killed John Bishop. Did you? No, no, no, I'm just saying I killed John Bishop would be an odd talking point.
Why did Stone Age people bury all their stuff underground? Were they worried someone might steal it? No, that's how we find it. It wasn't always underground, it was on the top. The reason we find it as archaeologists is that we go out and we dig it up.
Oh. How will the world end? Well, the sun will run out of fuel in about four billion years or so. And actually before that, it will begin to swell up, expand.
And so we think the earth will get incinerated. Do you think we might be able to do something about it? Stop it being incinerated. Yeah, stop it being incinerated. Oh, the sun burning the earth. Can't we put it out with a big hose or something? It's an inevitable consequence of the laws of nature.
You're pleased with that, are you? You're happy with that. You can live with that.
Well, there's nothing I can do.
Also, the Andromeda Galaxy is going to hit us. The Andromeda Galaxy? A whole galaxy is going to hit us?
Yeah. On about the same time scale, actually. So as the sun runs out of fuel and expands and incinerates the earth, a galaxy of 400 billion stars is going to collide with us. You're much gloomier than I expected because you're quite smiley. Well, yeah, well, it's quite a long time in the future.
Speaking as an expert in architecture, do you ever watch Holmes Under the Hammer? No, I don't, no. You don't watch Holmes Under the Hammer? I've never seen it, no. You've never seen Holmes Under the Hammer? I've never seen Holmes Under the Hammer.
Why not? You must have heard about it. I haven't heard about it, no. Don't you and the other architects talk about it? It's not a subject that's ever come up, no. I think you'd enjoy it.
I think you'd get a lot out of it. I should go and have a look, yes. Yeah, I think you should.
What's the most disgusting thing you've heard someone do with a red nose? Because my mate, Paul, he did this party trick that he always does with a red nose. And he put it sort of on his intimate skin. And it sort of tore it, and it went septic. Actually, I think that might mean he qualifies for some sort of charity money. That is the first and most disgusting thing I've heard done with a red nose. It's awful, isn't it, to think what people might be doing with them right now.
So after the universe ends, there'll be nothing. Depends what you mean by after the universe ends.
When it's exploded. Well, it's not going to explode. It's going to, we think, carry on expanding forever. Well, that'll be fine, won't it? We need the space. You get to the point that it carries on doing that, then galaxies get ripped apart, and then solar systems get ripped apart, and then even planets get ripped apart, and even atoms get ripped apart. But so what?
All the stars will die. Even all the black holes that are left, the final sort of end points of the most massive stars will evaporate away.
So can we, could we fall down a black hole? You could fall into one. Is that the same? Because I heard that you could be, if, you know, this is one way that the world could end, is that we're all just sucked off through a hole. It's, it's- I mean, that must be terrible. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be sucked off through a hole? Yeah. |
dropout | Your_Comedy_Ideas_Are_Terrible_Kingpin_Katie | Thank God you're here. The funniest thing just happened to me and you've got to put it in one of your skids. Wait, is that why you call this emergency meeting? Yes. Your family's totally fine.
So yesterday, I was doing my thing, writing parking tickets, and I had just had the greatest bagel of my life. So I'm writing this ticket, I look down, I wrote it for a bagel violation rather than a parking violation.
Oh my God, can you imagine that's a perfect skit? Yeah, it's pretty funny. I got a lot of good material for you. I'm actually good.
I have a lot of sketches on my own. I don't need the credit or anything.
People love cop humor. Here's one, is a cop keeps scratching her little car on poles and garbage cans. They worry she has a drinking problem, but she just has, I think, early glaucoma. I guess I just don't really see how that's a sketch. I got another one. How about this cop who used to be a horse cop, cop goes flying off the horse, bashes her head in, and has strokes every now and then. Cheryl, first of all, I know that that's just your story, but I just don't really see how this is a sketch.
Okay, hey, we can just brainstorm a bunch of ideas. Hey guys, why don't you come down to Cindy's and we will have a skit brainstorm.
Don't waste their time with this. Oh my God, I didn't push the button. How about a skit about a cop who always forgets to push the button on her walkie talkie so she can never get back up?
If you think that's funny, that's great. You write it. I mean, I have other ideas that aren't necessarily cop stuff. What about a woman who has to meet her mom's new boyfriend, and she keeps calling him by the wrong name, and for a while it was innocent, but then towards the end after the dinner, it was kind of out of malice because she was like, I miss my dad. I just can't really see it on paper. Well, don't you worry because I put it on paper, yeah, 22 pages of pure comedy gold. Heightens to space. Not to be mean. I don't like any of your ideas. They're not dumb. It's not like I'm having you your pants at the end of a skit. That's funny. Yeah, it does sound dumb, but I bet that could be done in like a really artistic way, and there are actually a lot of theories about comedy, and some people think that using the most lowbrow joke is often a way to hide.
What? You've done that. I have to see. No. Don't. Hey, come on. Just believe me. You fool. Oh, Katie. Ew. That looks like real poop. It was. Was it yours? Yes. Oh my God. Stop it. Ew. It was funny.
You don't understand comedy, okay? This is, I do comedy, so I would know what's funny, right? You don't understand it. That's why you don't get it.
Ew. Thanks for watching that promo of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, I'm going to blow your mind. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action packed, and they're super funny, and I'm saying that, and I don't know why. I normally am not proud of the things I'm in. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
One echo one oh five forty code red has escaped from prison.
Whoa. Yeah.
I nearly put this thing in the trunk. It goes off all the time. |
TheOnion | Donald_Sterling_Just_Glad_Tape_Recorder_Batteries_Died_Before_He_Got_To_The_Real_Shit | A new census report reveals the US has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45 minute guitar solo, and Picasso's Guernica triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York Rangers, definitively proving that candor, forthrightness and journalistic integrity can still flourish in this barren media landscape. This is the Onion Week in Review. Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling told sources this week that, as bad as the fallout from his recent racially charged statements had been, he was just glad the tape recorder batteries died before he got to the real shit. Noting that every statement the public heard was a mere prelude to the litany of revolting personal prejudices he later let fly, the 80-year-old expressed relief that ex-girlfriend Vanessa Stiviano had only been able to capture the lead-up to his real, infinitely more vile rant. Sources confirmed the LA-based billionaire went on to say, quote, An outpouring of complaints prompted Kay Jewelers to issue an immediate recall of two million cursed wedding bands this week. I can assure our customers that we were not aware our manufacturers were sourcing diamonds tainted by the darkling Erla in the production of our 2014 line of rings.
And now, as many have recently speculated, it has come time for me to pass the torch of news summary announcement onto the next generation. Since my childhood nearly 80 years ago as a poor farm hand in Abilene, Kansas, I always dreamed of providing the nation with concise recaps of the week's events. So it was that one fateful summer in 1934, legendary onion mogul T. Herman Zwiebel was passing through our town to acquire an oil derrick when he overheard me calling in the oxen in my breathy baritone and offered me the opportunity of a lifetime. Yes, from the turbulent war times of the 1940s. legendary onion welcomes the majestic axis armies as conquering heroes to the free spirited 60s. And remember, there's nothing more cosmic than keeping your house insulated with thermal flake brand asbestos. I can truly say I've been here for the turning of the ages. But now viewers, my beautiful 19 year old wife and I will take our much deserved retirement to my Geneva chateau. I wish all of my detractors empty destitute lives. And for my allies, I hope for all the pleasures availed by heaven. So finally, let me say one last time, for more keep checking the onion.com |
SaturdayNightLive | italian_stereotypes_saturday_night_live | Hello, hello, hello. Yeah, we can hear. Okay. all you have to do is get him. talk about the De Bruccio hit. All right, then this guy's going down. But you got to watch yourself. this is a dangerous man. For the last two years I've been studying these guys another way. they move another way. they walk and the way they talk I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get him. All right. All right Sanders, Get your coat on. let's do this. Think you can do it.
Yeah, he's the best in the biz. So this guy's a real computer whiz. He was one of the first ones with the internet gambling stuff. There's a lot of money in that. Who is this guy? I never heard of him. don't worry. he comes recommended. We're gonna get him out.
Oh, forget about it. Forget about what? Sorry, I'm late fellas. I was at my Goumades place. we just finished up dinner. We had some raviolis and some rigatonis and some rice. A rollies, forget about it. Why do you keep saying forget about it?
Never mind that I hear you was a man of business, which is why I agreed to meet with you. But I'd like to know who I'm getting into business with. Where you from? Hey, it's me.
Donny Lasagna from the neighborhood? What neighborhood Little Italy? I grew up in Little Italy.
I didn't see you around too much. come on. We used to play stickball together behind the Olive Garden. You know, Pauli Walnut's Rocky Balboa to Mario Brothers, they were all there Donkey Kong. Then he touched the verde. My own.
All right already, let's get back to the sit-in a casino business. Yeah, there's a lot of money in that, exactly, let's talk a business. Forget about, forget about what. I'm busting beans over here. more. We're fooling around. and tell me more about this internet casino. there's a lot of money in that that there is.
But first, I want to tell a little story. When I was younger, I had to hide out in Sicily. I married a beautiful farm girl called Apollonia. I thought her how to speak English Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday five. She'd take her top off in front of me. she had perfectly round yabbos and they blew her up in the car. So I came back to America and I married a girl named Diane Keaton.
I don't know about you. Forget about it. The beans. Stop saying bust them beans. Forget about. stop saying that too. you know something's not right here. Yeah, you get too nervous. if you don't relax, we're gonna have to put you in a pair of the pants. What?
I'm funny. How am I funny? Funny, You know, no, I don't know. You said it. Funny how like I'm like I'm clown in here. I'm to amuse you or what. Tell me what the hell is so funny about me, I'm just bust the beans.
Hey, I still think this guy's working for the Feds. Oh, yeah, I'm working. funny. Yeah, my real name is Agent Ruben Sanders Open Sanders. that's hilarious.
And you know what? I'm trying to record you through this wire. I'm trying to get you. Mr. Tenuchi here to admit he killed called them Bruzio. Yeah, And I suppose that I'm gonna just pick up this microphone from your shirt right here and tell the Fbi how I killed Carl two months ago and had a buried under the caucus rape on a jersey dirt bike. And I suppose I suppose that's the Fbi here to take me away. It is that Mr. Doochie, you're under arrest for the murder of Carlos De Bruzio.
I can't believe you tricked me. you rap piece of garbage. I trusted you like a son. I let you in and you betrayed me. I bet you ain't even married to Diane Keaton.
Take them out of here. I didn't agree with your methods, but you got the job done. Don't break your armpit yourself on the back.
We have to move on to our next mission: infiltrating the Chinese Mafia. Henceforth, you will know me as Hong Kong of we. |
TheOnion | Get_On_That_Pole_Sex_House_Ep_3 | Six sexty Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty, this sex house. Welcome to sex house. Tara and I tried to bang last night, but there was a rotten smell coming through the floorboards like a dead animal or something. We're the Jim and Pam of the sex house because everyone wants to know when we're gonna fuck. Did you see that Office episode when Jim and Pam finally fucked?
Erin is taken to sleeping under the pool table. I guess that's the only place she feels secure. Can't say I blame her.
What's this? I have your Sibian. Are you fucking kidding me? Boom! Sibian in the house! The girls are like, what's a Sibian? Are you serious?
I've been jerking it to Sibian vids since forever. I'm gonna ride that Sibian so hard someone's gonna get too turned on to not fuck me.
I don't know why Derek has to ruin everyone's fun here. I know you're gay, dude, but Sibians can go on asses too, homie. I asked Derek to help me get a fresh start with the others because being gay, he understands what it's like to be hated for something you have no control over. Hey, I wanted to talk to you because I just want to put all of this nastiness to the first night behind. What are you even talking about, Frank? You and I, we're in the same boat here. No, no, no, no. I didn't cheat on my wife with a girl half my age. You're disgusting. So just live with it and don't bother any others.
I decided to call a house meeting because the clocks are all running at completely different speeds and there is no way to tell the time. We need to talk about our options here. Something is seriously wrong. The clocks are...
Alright! Freeze! Everybody is under arrest for premature ejaculation.
I'm Danny Vollmer, popular Chelsea Lately panelist and clip researcher for Rob Dyrdek's Ridiculousness. And this over here is Kansas City-based pole dance instructor Camilla Edwards. I heard you ladies have been cold fish in the bedroom and I'm here to show you how to heat things up with that sexy pole. Oh, and I hear you guys are striking out harder than Urkel backstage at an in-boat concert. Right there, not so hard. Alright guys, let's go upstairs. I'm going to teach you how to really bro out, you know, get some bro on. My tattoo artist sister is a pole dancer, so it's an art form that I really admire. All I'm thinking about right now is an Alex sandwich with Camilla and Danny Vollmer as the bread. Hey, you mind if I grab a beer? You should be taking those sluts downstairs to Poundtown, huh? This house is ripe with p***, and that is rule number uno, always pluck the p***. Shouldn't be surprised though, this guy here hasn't been a bro since Old Spice, it was just called Spice.
I don't know why they would send someone here just to demean us. Finally, someone around here who sees things my way. I was starting to think I was going crazy. This one will really help you if you're having insertion problems. It'll help loosen up your p***. This feels so good.
Uh, so why any of you pillow biters sealed the deal yet, right? Frank p***ed Aaron on the first night. Frank, you know, really? I really wish Jay hadn't told the comedian that. Now he's going to go to town on me with the zingers. Oh, bro, hey, you're old enough to be your father. If her father was a big fat rapist. I'm kidding, bro.
Up top, up top. Come on, Kate, wake up. Always a month.
It was hard to focus on Camila with Alex acting so disgusting and Aaron sitting there like a ghost. Can you show us how to do this? I feel sorry for Alex. I mean, now she's trying to p*** Camila.
I'm here to teach you how to pole dance. Seriously, pole dancing is not about sex.
You don't even respect the art for it. Yes, I do, slut. I'm officially done with this girl. I said you look like a p*** with those glasses. Hey, what are we even supposed to be doing?
Oh, what? You want to go? What? You want to go? Let's go. Hey, hey, watch out for AIDS.
You don't even know what you're talking about. Camila and I don't even want you here anyway. You're delusional. No problem, you stupid tramp. No one wants to have sex with you. You should just go home.
Oh my god, are you okay? You could tell instantly that she broke her leg. It was practically coming out of her skin. What's wrong, skanks? She hurt.
I'll get the first aid kit. You're gonna be okay. It's just a broken tibia. You're so sexy when you're vulnerable. I got the first aid kit but this is just a bottle of Everclear.
Oh my god, Alex, what are you doing? Stop it. Oh, who taught this chick how to dance? Nancy Kerrigan? Me and Camila didn't have any chemistry but I thought Danny Vollmer seemed like the kind of guy who likes doing disgusting things. Hey, you're coming on a little too strong like Roseanne Barr at a gravy convention.
I'm out of here. Preston's gonna catch hell for booking this gig. Get the full skank out of here. Oh, shit. I had a gig in Reno in like five hours. Adios, sex house. Way to go. You did a good job. Okay, we need to figure out how to get out of here or we might actually die.
The next challenge is called Do It. The first couple to have sex wins a prize. Nobody have sex, all right? It's a trick. No more games. Next week on a hot new sex house.
This definitely isn't a house. I think we might be underground or on a ship of some kind. I think it's bad.
I was born to exhibit myself. Tara's been all over me. Today is the day little J finally gets soaked. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Controversial_Bill_Enters_Tasmanian_Parliament_To_Finally_Legalise_Marriage_Betw_ | Right now we're in the, I guess, the second award season of the year. First one started the year with the Logies and all the real estate awards, which we also attend diligently every year. But yeah, we've got the awards and then silly season is going to keep building momentum throughout that.
So everyone's kind of, you know, being committed to wellness and self care, I guess, outside and outside all of those open bars. What has everyone here got planned this weekend? Yeah, taking a break from watching industry people pat each other on the back and sink piss on someone else's dime, I guess. How about you, Errol Parker? Mate, golf on Saturday, then church on Sunday, then hopefully watching the Aussies get up over the wily Indians in the Cricket World Cup final. You're a slow start to Monday morning.
You're not going to school this year, are you? No. No, you got fired from the Red Frogs? No, I can't. I can't go there by court order. You got fired from the Red Frogs? That's unfortunate. Yeah, I got fired from the Red Frogs. Apparently they haven't...
This is worth taking to the Australian Human Rights Commission that you can age out of the Red Frogs. I think so. I think you also should explore the possibility of Bali, potentially, because there are plenty of kids that go to Bali and you can kind of have the same experience there. True. Possibly I could go to Byron Bay and hang out with like the...
The alternative kids. No, the upper middle class schoolies that like some of the more finer things in life. They don't like going... Getting away from the rush, going down to Byron Bay and hanging out with like-minded people who are also Protestants, hanging out with people like us. So they don't like going to the Goldie and staying in a flat with six people and drinking UDLs for seven days straight?
Yeah, I think Net Worth might be a couple of zeroes short for Byron AO. Troye Sivan.
Yeah, not like me, mate, where I went to schoolies at fucking Kapooka. Yeah. What did you do, Clance? What did I do for schoolies? Mate? Well, on the day I was meant to go to schoolies, I got a union card and a wedding card. That's what happened to me. Yeah, knocked up my missus about a week out. We were having a bit too much fun during the HSC and yeah, take her down to the river and into the river we dive. That was my schoolies.
Sometimes it comes back to haunt me. It haunts me like a curse. Is a dream a lie if it don't come true or is it something worse?
That was so much like Bruce, I think we could get a copyright strike. Well, that's my life, man. Bruce Springsteen sings my life, Heartland, rock and roll.
I can't really relate to Barnsey as much as Springsteen because I didn't do much no-becane in my youth. You like singing as opposed to screaming. There's still pitch in screaming though. That's what they say, I don't really buy it to be honest. Well you wouldn't mate because you're of that generation that grew up on MGMT.
Oh, absolutely. Give me some of that. I thought that was a drug. That makes you feel nice. I thought that was a drug, MGMT. Sounds like a drug that goes well with MGMT. Might be just a coincidence.
What's up first in the news this week, Wendell Hussey? Well, we are going to go all the way down south to the island below Australia. A controversial bill has passed Tasmanian Parliament, which will finally see the legalization of marriage between mainlanders and locals. Very exciting. Yes, the picturesque landscapes of Tasmania are getting set to witness an extraordinary surge in wedding bells. In a heartwarming, but also to some people heart-aching turn of events, the Apple Isle has changed one of the pillars of its society. This move, hailed by some as a step towards inclusivity and by others as a desperate plea for a mainland rescue mission, will see mainlanders and Tasmanians able to officially tie the knot.
It's caused plenty of debate down on the nation's big toe, with many Tasmanians concerned that mainlanders will try to use the avenue to steal their real estate. Tasmanian MP Dobrian the Red, who was pictured in the article, the chief architect of the bill, delivered an impassioned speech on the parliament floor saying, quote, It's time we put an end to this outdated geographical discrimination. Why should a Tasmanian heart be denied the right to skip a beat for a mainlander, and vice versa? We're all Australians, unfortunately. In anticipation of a potential influx, Tasmanian tourism officials have already launched their new campaign titled Tassie, more than just seasonal depression and dickheads from Melbourne. Yes, they do have a nice art gallery down there, I believe, and it is worth going to the website to look at a picture of Dobrianian the Red, very pointy ears. As they do down there in Tassie.
Do you know why that is, Errol Parker? Because they're elves. Yeah, I think so. They're elfish anyway. Isn't that where they filmed Lord of the Rings with all those locals? Similar accents, I don't know.
All right, we'll move along to some food and beverage product news. Solo is continuing its aggressive expansion into non-soft drink markets with the release of a new vape. In a move that has left many scratching their heads, Wendell Hussey, Solo, the iconic drink brand, has announced its pivot into the growing semi-illegal vape industry with the release of its very own line of Solo branded vapes. The vapes, of course, follow the release of Hard Solo, which is essentially a soft drink for kids that comes with some sort of ambiguous grain alcohol in it. That's right, and despite uproar from parents and community in general, Solo have now doubled down by making a smoking device for kids. It tastes exactly like their favorite pub squash. In fact, it even advertises on the vape tastes exactly like the soft drink flavor, only this time it's polluting their lungs with nail polish and nicotine. With a serious craving, crushing hit, Solo vapes are expected to be available in tobacconists, barbers, McDonald's car parks, and in backpacks of the kids from Broken Home in the coming weeks.
And we are hearing that there could potentially be a Solo gambling website in the works as well, which would be quite exciting. They're going to find a way for kids to be able to gamble online. Should be pretty good.
Punt Solo. Punt Solo, Solo Punt, there's a whole different raft of options there. Solo Hub.
The lobbyists are working overtime right now.
Solitary isolation from your family and friends. Slow down M&M. So that's where Bet Solo comes in, or Solo Bet, because you are just by yourself betting alone. No, you're not by yourself, your wife's next to you, you're just leaning over the bed with the phone down the side of the bed with them. This is for kids, so they won't have wives or partners at this point, they will just be isolating themselves from their family, if that makes sense.
Okay. Yeah, similar to the old reefer back in my day. Just as long as it's connected to one of their parent's credit cards, I don't think that's any out of the ordinary, mate. So I think that's what they say in rugby league six again. Plenty of in-app purchases. Yeah, fucking hell.
Alright, what else is in the news? Well, speaking of predatory platforms, we've got a story from the financial world and the headline reads like this.
Which bank can make a quarterly profit of $2.5 billion during an economic crisis? ComBank can. Yes, the Commonwealth Bank, the most powerful member of the banking cartel in Australia has today revealed that it's made a cash profit of $2.5 billion. While $2.5 billion seems like a pissy amount of coin compared to the recent earnings of Westpac and ANZ, the amount is actually only the quarterly year profit.
Yeah, so let's not get ahead of ourselves here. However, given the bank is making a disgusting amount of money off interest rates, which are going up and kneecapping the home-owning class, the people behind CBA's ads are really struggling for a feel-good campaign this year. Yeah, obviously famous for their feel-good campaigns, the ones that make you feel nice and warm and fuzzy. A spokesperson from the bank has said to us that the new campaign they're coming out with is basically going to have the overarching message, which says not to focus on what they can't do, like stopping profiteering during an inflation crisis, but focus more on what they can do. As I said to us, it's time to focus on some of our big achievements, like ripping off dead customers, selling dodgy financial products, offering predatory loans and making billions of dollars in profit while ordinary Australians are struggling to put food on the table. Which bank? The bank can. That'll be their slogan. They're mashing up a few of their famous campaigns.
Well, I'm just glad I bank with a bank that actually knows how to make money. Not like you, Clancy, overall having to bank with the Diamantina Credit Union. Yeah, look, it's been good to me. There's also a trade union aspect to this fund. It's really good to draw money out and put money in without raising too many questions. That's why I have a car collection. That's why we pay you in cash, Wendell, to keep you off the grid. Cash is king, baby.
Now, we're going to finish up with a bit less of a serious story, and again, the headline reads like this, you, mate who dropped out in year 10, coming to Schooley's anyway. A milestone celebration that combines the Aussie love of underage drinking and over age drinking, Schooley's is usually celebrated by year 12 finishers in the Gold Coast or another coastal place where the kids can be easily parted from their parents' money. On a group chat titled Schooley's Yoo, chat members were surprised and delighted this week to see their former peer Blake Tangent added to the chat. Yes, big Blake finally got around to organising a week off from his boss and is set to join his mates for a disgusting weekend of letting their hair down. While all the group have organised flights, Blake says he'll happily drive the 12 hours each way in his heavily indebted, refinanced work ute.
Good on you, Blake. I think you'll find it's least, but anyway. Least. Good on him. Enjoy it.
Go on, Errol. Book those flights. Barley's calling. I can't, mate. As soon as you turn 46, they don't let you in the Red Frogs anymore. There's a way, Errol. Come on.
It's discrimination. It is. It's disgraceful. You don't know how important the Red Frogs has been to my personal development over the years. That I'll never know, and shame on them for booting you out. Anyway. Shame on you.
It's another good man down. Where are you going to find your next volunteer?
Often it's the first time that these kids get a smack in the mouth as it's school is. The kids need that. They need to be humbled every now and then.
They do.
Thank you. That's enough for us this week. Enjoy your weekend. Ciao. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | David_Dastmalchian_star_of_LATE_NIGHT_WITH_THE_DEVIL_Directors_Cameron_Colin_Cairnes | This is the last video store, a nostalgic chamber to take you back in time to when you could pick a movie off the shelves Borrow it from a strange guy behind the counter and take home for a certain amount of days Then you have to bring it back to that strange guy and have a conversation with him I am the other side of that conversation. My name is Lexi Tollyopolis and this is the podcast where we're joined by guests We go through some of their favorite movies in the style of an old school video rental combo This week is a bit of a freaking special episode, baby. I'll be honest with you about that.
It's a special one We're celebrating the release of an Australian independent horror film that I absolutely Love it is called late night with the devil it stars David Smalchin, it's directed by Cameron and Colin Cairns who made another great Aussie horror comedy called 100 bloody acres that I absolutely freaking love as well and Who are the guests on this episode? Oh my god It's the names. I just mentioned David does Smalchin and Colin and Cameron Cairns We have got a killer episode. It's jam-packed with all this cool horror goodness David does Smalchin will be on first we're going to talk to him for a little bit about his performance and this film late night with the devil and Then we'll be joined by the brothers Cairns to talk about Three of the films that influenced late night with the devil Let me tell you about late night with the devil. It is set in 1977 It takes its form as a live to broadcast late night talk show In the style of Johnny Carson or more so for us Aussies Don Lane And there's a lot of Don Lane in this film, which is such an absolute delightful surprise So it's framed like a little bit of a found item of that Broadcast there's all these great little verite moments in between when we cut to commercial break But the premise of the film Jack Delroy the host played by David Smalchin Invites a purportedly possessed girl to be interviewed on the show And that's just where things get started So I implore you to go check out late night with the devil in cinemas in Australia right now from today April 11th So go check it out. It's so fun. It's Australian made it was filmed in Melbourne and I'll tell you this. I think some of the things we do best in this country is genre cinema And this is a testament to that Okay We're going to kick things off babies with our discussion with David Smalchin about the making of late night with the devil And i'm going to say a couple of words before we get in.
I absolutely love David Smalchin He's not just the lead of this film, but he's one of the great character actors popping up in June The suicide squad and i'll never forget the first time I saw him which was in The dark knight an absolute classic film. I remember seeing it in the cinema so well down to every single second of it He plays one of the joker's henchmen who goes absolutely freaking wild in it It was his first big screen performance And I remember being so entranced by what he was doing turning to my friend and just going who the hell is this guy?
He's amazing And now I got to freaking talk to him another point I'll say I didn't get to talk to him for too long I had a really short window and you can tell i'm pushing for as much time as possible And you may even hear the voice of a lovely pr person Carly jump in to wrap things up for me So that will that might be in there just a little warning, uh, because I was being cheeky I was a cheeky fella What can I say? Maybe i'm a cheeky guy Hey David, nice to meet you Great to meet you. How's it going?
I love that. Um that whole collection behind you. I can tell you're a true fan I truly am I truly am And um, I absolutely love this movie I love late night with the devil i've had a chance to see it twice now And the thing that is interesting to me is the late night host that you remind me of most In the film when the show reminds me most is australian host don lane Is that well, it's amazing that you say that alexi because when I was starting my prep work for the film I was watching tons of video of johnny carson and david letterman and dick cabin and other people that were from the states But then colin and cameron cairns who were the brothers that wrote and directed this film they sent me video of Don lane and I immediately go. This is my guy. He is totally perfect. And not only was he like so into Um the rhythm and the kind of cadence that I felt jack delroy was going to need to deliver But don lane wasn't just a complete skeptic He wanted to believe and he would have people on his show and he wasn't just making fun of them He was actually like sincerely like interested in the other side Uh, that's so nicely put and especially I read about uh, How you became involved in the film was the brothers found this article that you wrote for fangoria about your love of Horror late night horror hosts and I think that love really translates beautifully in your comic book series as well count crowley Um, thank you.
They made with dark horse I was wondering how that love translated to Your performance here. What were you trying to embody? Were there any like characteristics that you captured onto?
Well, thank you for bringing up count crowley, by the way, um, I love it I love camp always I grew up in the 80s watching My local horror host cremation mortem where I grew up in kansas city in the midwest in the states Cremation mortem was you know, she was a ghoul but she was incredibly hot to me and she would introduce The old lon cheney and and christopher lee and vincent price movies and all the old, you know, william castle movies and and there was this this era in the 80s with like her sets and the like halloween decorations and for me listening to old halloween records and the movies that were coming out at that time for people like john carpenter and david kronenberg and you know, um, So many artists so That time is very special to me So when this film came into my lap and colin and cameron asked if I wanted to be in the film There were so many things about it that I loved the script and the tone and the the directors but that nostalgic like late 70s era of Late night tv and horror stuff just seemed like such a fun fertile playground to play in and it spoke to me If you've read count crowley that you know how much I love that era and I think that it's possible for us as writers and creators To wrestle with really complicated ideas about really difficult things but through the lens of horror whether it's with werewolves or vampires or zombies or possessed little girls There's all kinds of stuff that we can really like explore in cool character building ways That still are done through the magic of horror I love the way you put it the way that I think about it is Genre is a language that audiences are completely fluent in but they may not be Conscious of that. So it's a really great way to communicate to people That's a great way to say it. It's true I really think you have an opportunity to touch people's hearts and minds through genre in a way that you can't in other forms Of filmmaking or comic book writing or story writing or you know, any form of storytelling theater, etc There's something about transporting people They're almost distracted by the mise-en-scene by the monsters by the by the fear and what you're Doing when people are scared is create space within them because then they laugh and they're comfortable and they realize Oh, it was just a scare. It was just a movie and It really opens up the opportunity to like Let people think about how we treat people who are different from us how we how we deal with processing grief trauma stress Um how we push ourselves how we abuse ourselves there's so many ideas that play in the really well done movies of horror and I think that um Audiences don't even have to be conscious of it, you know Another aspect of late night with the devil that i'd love to talk to you about in terms of your performance Is there's the artifice of the film that aesthetic artifice of it being shot and looking like a late night talk show Uh intercut with you know more digetic Or very tame moments in between like in the in the ad breaks But when it comes to performance how was that playing in the style and like the setups of a late night talk show Was it freeing was it a challenge? It was very freeing for me to show up at dockland studios in melbourne with Colin a cameron cairns who wrote and directed the film and seeing the space that they created for me to bring jack to life Because what they did Is they built a very authentic feeling television set from the 1970s Our production designer our costumer our hair and makeup team everybody did such an amazing job bringing that spirit of that time to life So by the time I stepped foot on set It felt like I was back on the stages of chicago theater where I was surrounded 360 degrees by the world that we were creating with our imaginations I've got a live band playing me in and out every time I come on set i've got this Kick ass just like totally weirdly colored vibrant 70s vibe It was just such a gift as an actor You rarely get to play in a space that feels like it's that lived in so that was really cool for me And like the practicality of it was it was it something to like something I don't know how to phrase it but like playing in those confines of it being shot in that style and kind of uh, Like in that kind of shape of a late night talk show How was that to play with especially like tracking like the psychology?
Of your character who is crumbling on the inside while trying to keep it together with like wit and banter on the outside That's me though. That's what I have to do Like I sit here getting to talk to you and all the other press today, and I love it. It's wonderful It's important i'm talking about something. I care about it. I'm not being some fake, you know, inauthentic a-hole I mean i'm genuinely wearing one of my True masks i'm getting to promote a thing. I love i'm trying to talk about something I care about but we have these very brief little bites of time that we have to try and share all this information and you know, two hours ago, I was having to go for a walk because I was struggling with anxiety and and feeling like under a lot of um, You know pressure for things that have nothing to do with the zooms that I was going to do today and i'm like That is jack delroy.
He's this he's the face of this talk show host. He's got to be On he's got to be funny. He's got to give good, you know, you know Jokes and then as soon as they yell cut to commercial you see this guy who is Drinking his his liver rotten who's not processing the grief losing his wife recently Who feels so much pressure to make his show succeed that it's caused him to squeeze the life out of his own body that's Powerful stuff to me and you know what?
It's just at the end of the day Some people could watch it. That was a fun cool horror movie and that's all it needs to be But for me to get into it and bring something interesting to life. I like to go to that place Uh, david one final thing the show that I host is kind of all about evoking that powerful Nostalgia of discovering film through the video store I was wondering do you have any memories of a video store that you grew up with discovering films? Especially I know you're a genre horror fan Perfect question for me. I used to ride my bike a mile I lived off 103rd and quivera streets in kansas before that area was developed. So it was like almost farmland now It's all suburban beautiful stuff, but it was just farmland There was this one road 103rd street I would ride my bike all the way up 103rd street usually by myself sometimes with my best friend steve armstrong My parents had a membership at y clef videos a family-owned video shop in a little strip mall Next to the godfather's pizza and the um skate city roller rink And when you go in there your parents had a card on file so you could rent up to three films at a time It was like a monthly service fee Um during the summer or weekdays when I knew that my parents wouldn't going to be renting anything I knew I could rent stuff and then as long as I got it returned in time No one would know and the teenagers behind the counter could give a crap what this, you know Third fourth fifth grade kid was renting. So that's how I walked down the aisle always went straight to horror and sci-fi and I found aliens and halloween and I found wizard of gore and I found I spit on your grave and I found Children shouldn't play with dead things All Everything, you know from kerschel the great gordon lewis, you know I was watching reanimator 2 movies and stewart gordon stuff or looking at um Oh french and an italian horror. It was like what a gift the the video store was to us. Um, I miss those days Have you had much chance to explore into australian horror since working on late night with the devil?
Sorry to jump in We're at time. I'm, sorry.
Oh, no worries Big fan of uh, yeah of uh movies like wolf creek and I love the cairns brothers and I mean There's so many great australian, uh horror filmmakers as you guys are really messed up down there and I love it Thanks so much. And by the way, I love the movie relaxer one of my favorite movies of yours Thanks, man.
I'll tell joel. You said that that's awesome See you later. See you later So that was my chat with david you can tell I was freaking hyped. Okay. I was hyped i'm a hyped guy What can I say? I was hyped in that moment.
We're going to jump into our last video store with Colin and cameron karns And i'm going to give them a little bit of a different combo this week trying something out We're going to give them the film maker combo one year release Which has to be their movie that they have got in cinemas right now and then three weekly titles Which are films that had a meaningful influence in some kind of way on the film they are promoting Let's get into it New release Cameron and colin karns. Thank you for joining me within the catacombs of the last video store pleasure to be here Thanks for having us alexi. The pleasure is all mine, but I might share a little bit with you guys as well i'm that kind of generous guy, uh But i'm very excited to have you in here because we're going to give you the film maker combo here at the video store Which is one new release film which happens to be one that you guys have just directed and released And then we're going to go through three films that in some way inspired it influenced gave you some kind of Creative kick with it and your new release film late night with the devil is a film.
I absolutely love I'm, so thrilled by it to kick things off. I might start with one of the most basic bitch questions I have in my arsenal. Can you tell me about the genesis of the film? Sure the genesis you're the genesis guy, right? He'll do the genesis and i'll do the collapsing instruction Yeah, i'll do armageddon Perfect. Perfect.
Well, we almost have to go back to biblical times Let's go all the way back Um, look I I think really the the idea came about about 10 years ago when um We'd come off 100 bloody acres and our producer was very keen to roll into another horror film So she was asking us and and we kind of knew We weren't going to have that much money. So, um the first film bombed It's a great film though, very funny. Thank you. Yeah, I love it Uh, yeah, so did the other 100 or so people Actually, well, there's quite a few who downloaded it was downloaded It was I do remember it being a pirated film, but i'll tell you I paid for it.
Okay, I am innocent yeah, and then just ourselves and immersing out ourselves in that world watching lots of Old clips of cavit and carson and um, and also, you know our home grown heroes like don lane There's a lot of don lane in there More than we probably Realized as we were writing it Because that's what we grew up with we were watching don in the 80s and yeah But yeah the script it was it was hard because you know We're trying to make a horror movie, but it's not like a classic, you know The classic horror movie now is going to have 10 jump scares in the first five minutes And we couldn't do that. You know, it's we had to be true to that world and and just slowly Bring the creep factor Into it. So yeah, it was just a big juggling act in the writing trying to get the balance right between just that bright and breezy, you know Banter the sort of late talk show sort of vibe And the the supernatural element so it was a lot of shaping over a number of years Yeah, not always that slow, but we we took that time on this one Hey, well, I think it's worth all that time in the incubator because I think especially the way you kind of construct Uh the film's aesthetics of like having this outward witty banter kind of like calm But as it starts crumbling underneath and the facade starts dropping, I think it just works so wonderfully I was wondering if we could talk about that aesthetic with that multi-cam kind of studio setup uh And then the way you kind of break that up with when we cut to ad breaks these more verite style like interstitial Moments of truth behind it. Um Was that always the way that you kind of thought about it or did that slowly evolve over the process of constructing the film? I think we knew early on that the whole methodology of shooting a tv show was going to work for this having three cameras rolling all at the same time was just going to be really liberating for our cast and also for us and and not having to Worry about setups and which you know, just you know, when you've shot a scene and you shoot the next scene there's It can take, you know up to an hour before you're shooting again So we just I think we knew early on that we were going to have a bit of freedom in the shooting of it So it was just something we we fully embraced and um, and so did our collaborators um, so Yeah, I look I don't know if i've no you've answered the first half of it I'm throwing to you for part two Here we go So but then yeah the ad breaks that that was and you know your point about that evolving it did like we tried every Sort of variation on on how that could be tackled, you know I think there were there might have been a version where it was just you don't see anything for three minutes You know It's like it is literally someone the master tape from the studio with just color bars or you know, it's What do you call the tests, you know, just the network test pattern. Um, and then there was a version where The camp the studio cameras the pedestal cameras just kept rolling but weren't framing up on anything so it's just like cutting from one ugly wide to a Out of focus shot of someone's feet and you just happen to hear you just happen to hear the salient information That would help fill in the black the gaps but then we thought that that doing that might be cool for the first break or two, but then would become really contrived when you just When every time we go there, you just happen to be hearing all this key information Yeah, ultimately it was like well, you know, why wouldn't they be shooting? Sort of a behind the scenes doc. Oh, it's this big night. It's the the biggest night of jack's life And there's this idea also that there's this document this french document documentary crew that's been Maybe following his story and and what's going on with the grove and all these other sort of potentially sinister Um, you know organizations that play a part in the film So once we settled on that it just felt like that was the best way to get that information across to reveal More about these characters the truth of these characters and what's at stake Um, and then when you when you've when you've made that choice, it's a matter of again like with the tv show Making that feel as kind of as authentic, you know to the time and place as possible Yeah, I think we're only sort of putting a finer point on it Yeah in the later drafts, I don't think we ever sort of referred to the documentary crew or this sort of yeah Pennebaker, you know style documentary that's I think you know, it was in our heads. It was more larry sanders and and when you you know cut from the tv show stuff to the behind the scenes stuff it felt very very tight without sort of Saying it wasn't that yeah, it just felt very observational flying the wall and and I think you know That was our intention going in and we'll never refer to the doco crew and just let people hopefully just you know Fall into that world and and and you know and suspend disbelief hell. Yeah, I love to hear that I was catching up with a friend of mine a colleague alexandra helen nicholas and we made the observation That right now in the new wave of australian horror. There's like this little current of Possession films including uh late night with the devil talk to me godless the eastfield exorcism the possessed now You don't have to answer this question But what do you think is up with that?
Well, and you're right and it's not just here. It's you know, immaculate has just opened The same same day as us in america. Yeah The first omen the first time i'm sure we could think of others.
But yeah, yeah, what's ghostbusters?
Maybe I haven't seen I'm assuming there's some shit like that in there Um, you know, there are cycles I guess in horror and um, and maybe we're going through the possession cycle right now, um But I don't think it really goes away, you know, it's um It's just one of those Those ideas in horror that you know, we keep returning to for whatever reason Um why it's hot right now. I don't know I think um has it got something to do with our recent past and Um, you know us all being stuck inside with each other and going a bit crazy and yeah Okay No, I think he may have got the answer because when you said that last bit I did feel a chill That's how I know A chill passes through me. I go. Okay, the point has been made. We've got something in stone now Yeah, particularly in melbourne. I mean the rest of this all of australia had it except earth I guess but Um, but yeah, we're just in the states and talking about that that same thing with people there Yeah, I think it's still It runs a little bit triggered. It's like do we have to talk about that?
So maybe these films are a way of dealing with it, you know in a way All right, well consider me catharsized I feel Right now um guys I got to say I absolutely love late night with the devil and i'm sitting here looking at your picks For what the three films that you chose that influenced it in some kind of way or perhaps gave you a possession of your own to You know to spill the rest of the movie out And I reckon it's time we should go through those weekly titles Weekly Let's start with the first one from director martin scorsese Perhaps one of my favorite films by him and each time I revisit I love it even more You have chosen after hours Cult yes, we love that movie Yeah, it is when we saw it as kids. We just we loved it instantly I don't think we knew much about martin scorsese at the time.
Maybe we'd seen taxi driver, but the whole Maybe you know who was responsible for it. It didn't really you know, gel with us.
So, um It was just about that movie and that experience Watching it as kids and i'm being swept up in that story in that sort of Nighttime world. Yeah real time nocturnal You know a man at his wit's end.
Um downward spiral yeah, I mean there's a It's something we refer to in everything we make like because it's so beautifully constructed and made in the pacing of it And you know, it's it's a black comedy I guess you'd say Um, and it was funny, you know, we we when the film premiered in brisbane we grew up in brisbane by the way And we would have seen that film at the uh, the old village twin in new farm. I love that cinema I love it's great, isn't it? Yeah, and it's all very mid-century with the bricks and the carpet. It's stunning, right? Absolutely stunning It's got to be they've got to we asked if it was heritage listed.
They said no I said well, you've got to get under that. Okay, there's nothing like that in melbourne. There's nothing left I'll join that petition right now. We need to save that From ever changing.
It's so cool But that's where we saw so that's where we premiered late night with the devil at the brisbane film festival And it's where and we hadn't been there for 30 30 years or whatever it was That's where we saw after hours. I saw it twice in a week.
I recall So that yeah, it's just a one of those films that I think has Yeah, it's the music as well the house. Oh amazing. Um, I think we might have temped with it. Yes Late night. Yeah. Um, it's that ticking clock that kind of metronome quality of that. Yeah Yeah, and it's building to something like the alarm is about to go off and you're never quite sure when I think that's kind of The atmosphere we yeah, we do try to create with late night You know, it's building to this a moment in time, you know midnight Basically the show starts at 10 30. I gotta say when I saw this film come up in your bundle I I was thrilled and if anything it immediately enriched How much and why I love late night with the devil because to me to go Okay, we're making a movie about like a late night talk show. What are the vibes you want to construct? It seems like it should seem like a no-brainer, but it also seems like a kind of genius esoteric peak to go Well, why don't we look at one of the great nocturnal films ever that kind of captures? I think what's good to see does so well in that film of the journey of like an everyday button pushing Regular bureaucratic man who gets swept up in the cycle of the night as it becomes more surrealistic He goes on this journey to kind of bring that into a closed space I think that's what makes the film sing so well, right? Good to hear. Thank you Yeah, it's that's that's right in the after hours the later it gets the weirder it gets Yeah Really escalates this whole sort of insomnia that everyone in that like Seems like half of new york is awake at three in the morning And part of some vigilante group or whatever Um that we kind of imagine being outside the studio at the end of late night, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's an odd one because it's not by any means Yeah horror movie, but it's a suspenseful probably the more obvious one When you think of score so and look don't get us wrong that yeah, I found its way in. Yeah as well But yeah, I think it is more just a tone thing Of that film of after hours. Yeah. Yeah, and as well that ensemble in after hours being built by Such kind of like an esoteric range of actors varying from kind of like intense personalities And then also like comic actors like terry guard doing like a really fun comedic performance And catherine o'hara like so many like just a broad range of people.
Yes, chi chan chong like So interesting fun fact we saw tommy chong at uh, the cinema where late night was playing in santa Santa monica, we were doing a qa there and we when we saw tommy chong walking. I got really excited He's gonna come and see our movie walked off to see ghostbusters So close so close you've got to get him in somehow put him in the next film I reckon Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so hilarious. But speaking of um, some chance encounters in la Uh, we did bump into joe dante Dante walking out believe it or not of a screening of late night with the devil. So We went up to um universal city walking in one of the big near universal studios. It's a big Shopping complex there and a multiplex and we just got out of the car park We were just going to look around and do a bit of you know, be tourists do a bit of shopping And who should walk by but joe dante and his wife and we just Mr. Dante, um, we're we're from snow mothers. We've just made a film. Uh, it'd be great if you could he said I just saw your movie.
No way.
Yeah. Yeah, and he approved apparently he's Nice things he's been saying nice things. So, um, that was just a huge buzz and an honor and Yeah, yeah, that was like an absolute hero. Yes meeting him Well, you know, I mean obviously like you got like one of the kings of horror comedy Of course, you guys must like completely idolize him. Yeah.
Yep Something I mean we could have picked one of his films, you know for for this conversation as well Hey, he's still got the shout out. So don't sweat too hard He's still got the shout out on the air we would try to be a bit obscure with our choices It esoteric.
Yeah Do you have any other thoughts about after hours and kind of like how you kind of want to channel those feelings of the night I think I think we've sort of you know, like you say trying to capture a vibe You know, but it's very suspenseful And I think of course as he does it particularly well in his you know in films that go for less than two and a half hours Well, you know, it's just there's real suspense to it and for us that's that's key like yeah You call late night, whatever you want. It's a horror horror comedy, but you know suspense is everything for us I think also the griffin dunn performance the unraveling of that character. Yes, you know, yes Who's trying to keep us together on the exterior so much.
Yeah.
No, he's so underrated griffin dunn, isn't he and I don't know why he didn't really have a bigger career as as an actor. Um, But you know, yeah that performance I I don't know if we ever Shared this with david or you know shared our love for the film or asked him to watch it. Yes I do see parallels definitely with his character and and the griffin dunn character.
Yeah, for sure. Well, beautiful I think I mean, I absolutely love this movie. I love this pic Let's go on to your next title which I think moving away from the kind of nocturnal aspect to kind of I guess the Media satirical quality of your film you're an absolute classic from alaya kazan One of the most prophetic films ever made perhaps about media. It is his media satire face in the crowd Drama Yes, um, yeah, let's start. Where do you start with that? It's a tough one to start with right like when did you first come across this film because I would say I like as an is one of the greats of cinema that a lot of people including myself As a greek man who also hails from the same part of greece as him, right? Have complex relationships with him and his work But is that because of the witch hunt stuff? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I come from greek communist stock. So He was always an interesting figure in my household.
Yeah Do you remember when he received the I think it was the thalberg award? Yes 20 years ago or so and um and the response from the crowd. Yes I mean people with ed harris sitting on his hands De niro and scorsese presenting it to him. I know I was split i'd be somewhere in the middle Maybe slowly quietly clapping if I was there because I I must respect the man, but I cannot respect everything he's ever done Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah the politics of that time.
Yes, he um sold some people out and that's not nice But he was he happened to be also, you know a great Filmmaker absolutely one of the greats and I think offensive crowd is an interesting film because it doesn't always get Held up in the conversation especially until recently. I think when like those prophecies kind of came true and rang a little truer With this idea of you know, a strange man who has this incredible charisma Becomes So super powerful through the media and influential and using television as a tool of manipulation of the masses I mean, it sounds like a familiar story the way i'm describing it. It sounds like yes, um Yeah, and someone who ends up in the white house Hopefully well, we'll see what happens Yeah, very much. So and there's there's all of that and there's i'm that great What's what's the name of the the sort of the aphrodisiac the uh vitajex yeah, which yeah the vitajex sequence was Yeah, it was I think very key to us in that Final 10 minutes or so of the film. Um I mean visually I think yeah a bit a big influence not just sort of thematically Yeah, and also like that idea of that kind of live television or the way that television can kind of communicate To an audience that's something that you're doing very directly Whereas that film's doing it in kind of its essence you're doing it directly to the audience I think that's kind of why I love horror cinema so much because it's all about utilizing technique To get a specific response from the audience So it kind of has that kind of undercurrent through it as well that kind of seeps into late night That's a good point because I guess in facing the crowd.
It's it's revealing that and in critiquing that Um, because who's the who's the great actress? It's patricia neil patricia Yes, who ends up turning up the mic doesn't she to reveal that you know what he really thinks of his Deplorable audience or whatever.
Whereas we're kind of we're using. Yeah, you're using similar devices, but It's as if yeah what goes to where and yeah, it gets you to question as an audience member What's the the ethics of what's going on? So It's a hard one to talk because it's such a different like after as you can say tonally There are similarities facing the crowd. Yeah, it's more of a thematic link, I guess.
Yeah How do you think that film holds up compared to kind of like the other great media satires like network or Because it doesn't get really sung out loud as much like how interesting or how good this film or how worthy it is Yeah, um, I don't know why it sort of got lost. I mean It's obviously admired by filmmakers and I see its influence in a lot of things. So You know, I don't know why it hasn't sort of captured the imagination Like say a network. Yeah, maybe because it's in black and white and it's Years old. I don't know I'm in network in this, you know academy, you know, peter finch won best actor and I don't know Maybe if maybe it was a really strong year that one. Yeah, it was nice in the crowd It just got a bit forgotten. I don't know. I feel like it didn't catch on at the time But slowly people have kind of recognized it as one of alikas and its most significant.
Yeah. Yeah ahead of its time Yeah I mean of kazan's oeuvre.
I mean it doesn't it's kind of the odd man out, you know That's not to say, you know, his films are conventional or anything But uh, but you know stylistically I think it plays a lot differently to you know And on the waterfront or yeah, yeah a bit more unconventional and I might even say i'm going to say something controversial So, please don't shit me down right now. I think the andy griffith performance as the lead of this film of Lonesome roads Yes, I actually think it might be the most exciting or electrifying performance ever in any ally kazan film He's he's so great, isn't he and and I think it's that thing of him Playing against type that worked so well because you know andy would have been america's dad at that time or or about to when he you know when he did his tv show, so, um That that was like a I think casting coup I don't know whose idea it was Probably kazan. Yeah, assuming it was kazan's but a master stroke Absolutely, and just like, you know the idea of playing with like comic energy to create some tension that feels like quite Bristly, I think just works so beautifully There's something quite maniacal about his performance too that you know could belong in a horror film, you know, he could be If he went down a different path, he could be a maniacal serial killer or you know Yeah, you know, he he does remind us like our friend josh quang tat who plays leo the producer in late night was also obviously The villain the ostensible villain of scare campaign and we've always thought there was a similarity You know with between just in terms of their their looks and physicality But I think maybe that influence it. Yeah, probably had an influence on scare campaign as well in that character That josh plays so well In in that film.
Yeah, beautiful. Beautiful.
Hey, we're going to go onto your last pick Speaking of maniacal media satires. I think you picked an absolute winner here halloween 3 season of the witch I mean for young horror fans like the promise of this premise being the third in the halloween franchise Why don't we turn this whole franchise? Away from michael myers and into an anthology where once a year something crazy and different will happen And unfortunately that did fail but the promise of that premise It must have meant a lot to you guys as something quite exciting, right?
Yeah, oh for sure um, and i'm glad it's sort of getting uh, The respect it's due now because i remember when I didn't want to see it. Yes I was an affront to it, you know It took me a few years to get around to it, you know, eventually probably watched on vhs and and And I was like, well, I don't know, you know, what what all the sort of fuss was about because um, you know, what a brave thing to do just uh, you know, turn you back on the franchise's, you know key character and then I mean that's brave Yeah, and and I can just I could see why carpenter wanted to do it because he was probably thinking Well, I don't want to be stuck with this World and story.
I mean, yeah, I want to try something new. I want to say something different and you know, I I think he's He can be quite political at times carpentry or at least he sort of smuggles in some of those, you know ideas.
Um, So yeah that film Yeah, I think I think it's influences are pretty obvious Especially towards the end. Yes that idea of that body horror, I think kind of fixes on between these two films I've got to say the premise of this movie kind of is there is a toy factory or mask factory It's making this mask for children for halloween that everybody loves and wants to wear They've got the best jingle in the entire history of cinema that inspires everyone to buy these masks but I I always have trouble trying to figure out what the master plan is behind it because It's an indoctrination of the nation There's a tv show that plays a jingle that plays and when the kids have these masks on I believe the plan is everyone puts these masks on and then they hear the jingle on halloween And then their heads will turn into worms and snakes and that is what they're trying to do Yeah, something like that Yeah, that's pretty horrific. I mean, that's you know, sometimes it's better things are better left Sort of unexplained. That's pretty that's yeah, that's shocking And that does a really good job of not explaining why how and what is the purpose of that? Yeah, yeah, and look, I mean, I think again with late night we you know Hopefully there's enough information there for people to draw their own conclusions But we certainly didn't go out of our way to spoon feed all the you know all the answers, uh And I think you get that in the best horror. It's good if because ultimately it's about the fear of Fear of death the fear of the unknown what's out there and and if you're giving Uh, if you're giving really solid conclusions, it's suddenly a lot less scary. So Thanks. That's important in horror filmmaking the ambiguity of your mind. That's where the worms and snakes lay Is it in your brain passage?
I can feel feel them in the end. They're wriggling i'm feeling the wriggle right now Well, I think it's a great pick.
Can I ask you guys? What do you love about this film? Like why has it kind of stayed with you?
Yeah, look, you know, I think it goes back to after hours again. It's a tonal thing um And I think it's got a streak of humor through it as well as dark humor Which um, you know, we just love yeah, and um and try to copy. Yeah. Um, it's almost like high stakes Silliness is kind of what I really the way to describe this. Yeah, there's a self-awareness.
They know it's absurd But yeah, but still play it straight, you know straight as you can like the jink, but the jingle's brilliant like it is So the carpenter right there Well, it's it's based on what? Happy happy Oh my god, my head's gonna turn into a snake no I think it's carpenters voice, right? But we love all that stuff and it's kind of it's taking something really Corny, but finding something sinister in it I think you know going back to there's a bit of that late night but certainly 100 bloody acres where we've got the morgan brothers jingle and probably Yeah, that's sort of I know and I know we keep referring to it as john carpenters.
Well, that's right But it's it's tommy wallace, right? Yeah, tommy lee wallace. Tommy lee wallace.
Yeah Director of fright night 2 another underrated. I love fright night underrated movie It's hard to get on blu-ray, right?
I think there's just like a european version I feel like there's a new blu-ray for it recently like too. Yeah, so it is worth tracking down I think it's worth tracking down. Absolutely. I think it's very underrated. I watched it on youtube. I think Because I just yeah, I couldn't find it. Well, we have every single movie here at the last video store So you can pop that one in your bag before handoff as well Uh, and I also got to say that high-stakes silliness tom atkins that lead performance is so fun It's so committed and doesn't feel like a movie star performance It just feels like a wild swing And those final moments where he gets on a page like on a phone and gets a direct line to the president I think it's such funny high-stakes silliness that just like how is that possible that they make it feel real? Yeah.
Yeah Guys, I think we may even have stolen that line What are you talking about? It's all about don't watch right don't stop watching exactly Yes. Hey, well pablo picasso said it and so will i i'll steal it from him the greatest artist steal They do not borrow. We're certainly guilty of theft a lot of things.
Yeah grand larceny And finally, uh, this is your beautiful three movie combo you've got after hours You've got halloween three seasons on the witch a face in the crowd I think a beautiful treat a beautiful companion piece of films to go along with late night with the devil That is out now in cinemas april 11th late night with the devil is such an absolute ripper And i'm so excited to see it kind of like finding such a great success especially for australian independent horror cinema genre cinema I think it's the kind of stories that we make so well in this country And you guys are such a testament to that genre sensibility So i'm so excited for all the success of this film and I can't wait to see it Take over the world and turn all our heads into snacks and worms Thanks, mate. The devil works in mysterious ways Thanks so much Well, my big thank yous to the Makers of late night with the devil for joining us on the podcast today Thank you David de smelch in the star of late night with the devil and thank you to colin and cameron khan The directors of late night with the devil. I absolutely love this film I think you will too. So go check it out because it is in cinemas right now As newer release as is possible and if you want to see it on us We've got a few little double passes As a giveaway right now and the way you can get that is by giving us a five star review on apple podcast And sending us a screenshot of it to our instagram account, which is last video store, but tutor and With my pick up for one of our double pass prize packs. I'd love you to see it I'd love to shout you to it, babe And let me tell you we can find all of their picks online for your watching after hours the martin scorsese classic is on apple For vod you can rent that kind of thing wherever you want if you've got the criterion channel.
Yes I respect you and it is on there a face in the crowd is on binge Isn't that weird? I think that's actually weird. They have it on there.
That's exciting Halloween 3 season of the witch it is on stan so you can check it out there And i'm going to give you a little extra recommendation just for you guys Uh, one of my favorite david dismalchian films is a film called relaxer It is a really small micro budget two-hander Independent weirdo genre film from a great genre filmmaker joe patricus in america Um, I love that film it is on amazon prime so you can watch that. There's also a great blu-ray Uh that I own in the video store You can borrow that one if you come on here. So Yeah, hit me up if you're ever on the podcast i'll put that in your deal for you until then Uh find us on instagram Message me If you want to and all I want to say to you is in the meantime I love you and I love movies even more than I love you. It's the thing. I love most in the world |
CrackerMilk | kramercast_crackermilk_podcast_episode_4_18_ | Boys, boys, boys, thanks so much for coming down to Kappa Chi for the first night of your initiation. Your very first thing I need you all to do to get into this frat is to chug your drinks.
Chug!
This is what we're gonna do today. We're all gonna count to three and we're gonna pick one of you three to chug their drinks. One, two, three!
Jonathan Walken!
He's gonna fucking die!
Let's do one more initiation. On the count of three, we're gonna pick someone to chug their drinks.
One, two, three! Jonathan Walken! Oh!
Chug! I really don't want to chug this beer. You don't need to, just have a sip. Chug!
Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Cracking Milk podcast. Welcome.
We are joined by our good friends Elias DaWedja.
Hello. Tom Griffiths. Hello. And Gabby Carmen. Hello.
A few things about Gabby. She pops in from time to time. at this point she's only made people give either just had given birth or giving birth so or in the process of consummation or a conjoined twin or a to give birth or putting dirt all over my body guys what's that in the middle of the table it looks like a a strange chest oh oh what's in it what i'm gonna open it up oh my god it's a magic portal wow wow i double dog dare you to get in it all right don't do it i'll do it because i'm as i'm dary mcclary oh it's dary mcclary the guy that will do anything if you dare him to do it hey dary mcclary yeah i dare you to chug that beer well because you're dary mcclary i guess you have to do it i guess i gotta do it you're my hero dary mcclary okay quick hey who are you i'm dary mcclary hey i got dead to chuck this beer so i guess i gotta do it oh my god this is his fifth beer in 15 minutes oh that's okay dary mcclary what matters is that you try here we go now quick it's you slime ball sally the greasiest slimy she'll do anything to get a dollar oh slimeball sally quick go help double dog what is your name go help dary mcclary in the portal coming hey it's me jack black hey yeah you know me from such films as school of rock and uh kung fu panda quick jack black jump into the portal don't know if i do hang on let me get my quick catchphrase out wow all right whoa are you jumping in the portal too yeah it's me connor and i go man guys i think i'm stuck in the border can i get a hand down here just take my hand all right there you're in thanks hey oh my god oh my god oh my god i can't feel my i don't have any legs i'm done oh no hang on there's someone else coming down the portal who is it welcome you've entered a magical realm i'm i'm flim flim bomb bomb the elf welcome to the magical land of tin fuck mcgee wow sorry what was your name again i'm flim bomb bomb i'm flim bomb bomb good to meet you i'm jack black have you seen my films no in in this land we only have reruns of seinfeld wow well i met sherry seinfeld once actually did you what was it like he is he is our king in this land after seinfeld he came here and has never left uh he's exploited um the drug trade a lot jerry seinfeld has been taken captive by that racist old man kramer he did a horrible horrible comedy set where he said the n-word wait that happened in our world too what it's almost like this is holy fuck what the fuck is happening away from the market well well where is where is where is where has kramer take where has kramer taken jerry because we're in a barn right now filled with lots of hay assumedly inside the town yeah we're in a distance quick please jerry seinfeld's in danger we need to save him we are very far away from um whatever i said the castle is called castle corner it is in a nearby town called binley binley is a wonderful town but be careful very dangerous people around here everybody look behind us a group of evil goblins coming for us we need our special elixir to speed us up danny mccleary i dare you to finish your special elixir save us dary mccleary it gives you great strength that you can use to thwart our enemies quick we don't want to die i'm jack black i can't be killed don't you guys need to run fast as well no only you because you will carry us on your multiple arms quick drink it quick the touts people are cheering for you wow dary mccleary do you feel stronger now do you feel like you can take on the goblins it was goblins right but it turns out that these goblins aren't any ordinary goblins they've been really goblins oh no what does that mean they all play music through their phones without headphones on the train oh no i'm jack black and i can't stand for bad music taste or bad playing of music so please we need to stop this immediately you're the only one that can help us what are you going to do i'm going to run really fast with my speed potion dary mccleary's run away but that's okay because i'm jack black and i'm the master of music so i can teach these these goblins how to do music oh i'm a gross goblin what are you gonna do for me jack black hey here's a flute give it a try okay this sounds like shit yeah fair enough bang fucking killed him cut run hang on it's okay i've got a box of dvds i'm speedy goblin soldier take this wing i just threw a dvd anime he's dead now we can move on to the stairs oh my god it's gabby carbon playing herself it's good to have you and so we traveled to travel until we reached the thousand steps of doom wow they're really big and we took one step and then we took another and then we took and we're there and then we took 998 more steps and we got there no problem turns out the name was just a little bit misleading and now we're at castle it is locked how do we enter well i guess i could maybe do something if you dare me to do it what should we do to do it clary you press number three on the oh okay hello this is me kramer i fucking hate any other race hey um can i come up i just want to talk to you about what color are you it's okay i'm white what color are you oh no guys guys hang on guys guys can we just have a quick huddle away from kramer for a sec hello are you kramer kramer just one second we're just having a quick chat all right okay all right about what take your number off take your finger off the button so he can't hear all right yeah sorry sorry sorry okay i've got a problem here yeah what's going on my name's jack black yeah i don't think i'm getting in why not just say you're oh because you're jack jack white i'll be jack white jack white from the white stripes yeah jack white from the white stripes is anyone there yeah it's uh it's jack white wait wait wait fuck fuck fuck i can't what's going on my last name yeah what carbon yeah what about it carbon's like black stuff yeah has anybody here got a last name that is sort of like black stuff because they're not getting in no no no no no no no no no my last name mclaren okay the whitest name i've ever fucking heard come on in dairy mclary uh how did you know my first name because i am kramer okay i am all knowing here we go i'm walking in okay kramer it's me yeah jack black jack white what'd you say just then nothing i said jack white my name's jack white and i play music for the white stripes you might have heard of them they're a band with white stripes yeah they're your favorite yeah they're my favorite well you guys should check out this comedy uh bit i did about 2009 that's okay that's okay we don't need to hear it oh we've heard it a lot it's needed already so many times it's our favorite it's done wonders for my career no worries come on in jack white have you seen my stand-up set i did in 2009 a fucker inside now we can't avoid it oh g'day everybody it's me kramer welcome to my home have you guys seen my show seinfeld that's starring me and not jerry seinfeld absolutely kramer what's with all the blood-stained nazi propaganda on the walls what's that what's with all the blood-stained truth on the walls kramer i'm just going to go into another room real quick i suggest you all go with me and we can just go into this room without nazi propaganda and all right glad we're here now in this safe room whoa what's all this nasty that's fucking weird hang on is that a trap door oh don't go in there oh fuck a trip oh he missed the trap door and he just tripped over on the floor don't go down there jerry's uh i mean jerry springer jerry spring is in there oh cool hey does this key lead to that trap door uh yeah can i see it no wait wait jerry spring yes and thanks for the care damn me to do it damn me i fucking damn oh my god i dare you to break into the trap door help me help me i'm stuck in here help me oh thank you for saving me it's me jerry springer oh no what happened jerry's well well well it looks like i've got to face you dary mccleary before you can save jerry sinefield where is he hey it's me jerry sinefield i'm also going oh what are you gonna have to face me before you get in and i've got the greatest weapon of all what is it racism how do you fight racism with love hey i'll do it dary mccleary do it you're my only hope i dare you to love no i can't i've never loved since my brilliant stand-up said that i did that was very good for my career guys i'm awake again listeny i've been dead to love you and i i love you okay and i can't not dare because i'm daring he always goes through with a dare what do you love about me oh i love everything about you i love you you got me my favorite drink i did frame is special sauce because i love you mate that's the sweetest thing you know what hey jerry sinefield let me take that drink dart out i'm sorry i put you to sleep thanks i think fuck you you can't dare to love fuck you but i've been dead to love you and the only way you're gonna get out of this is to watch me stand upset okay let's see it no guys it's me jack white i've been here the whole time hiding behind this pot plant i've been surviving all the tranq darts i've heard it all you know what i'm actually jack black oh my oh my god you've got a person with the black last name in your house look look he's exploding oh we got him quick let's take jerry sinefeld with us what is the deal shout out to our discord for everything you've given us we really appreciate it and if you want to be a part of some really borderline jokes and that's the place to be and thank you to our patreon for paying for all of this thank you very much thank you to elias because he shoots all of this content and if you didn't know he's actually very very talented and thank you to gabby for taking the time to appear in things that really really are not good for my career her career help me the fuck out thanks to jack black for making kung fu panda a reality skiddoosh that's the end um can i that was a fucking ride oh i think i think that's usual was that good yeah i think it's pretty good |
dropout | wings_of_a_dragon_with_megan_mullally_and_nick_offerman | Baby I'm back, here to win your hand Tonight I got an ocean to get kissed I love my Bible, so why won't you have this paleontologist?
Look, you're an easy rat and cowboy And I love your horse Just quit your evil job and I'll commit Cause your fossils and your fats and your carbon dating Well, according to the Bible, dear horseshit Now if you want to talk rough, can you riddle me with this?
How can man and dinosaurs cohabitate?
Why is there no record?
You're cute creationist And it's me, girl, so we can procreate Darwin was a douche Evolution is a sin That's all the proof you need to be my protagonist There's a shitload of legends Starring dinosaurs and men The only thing is, they call them dragons Hit your wagon To the wings of a dragon We should combine the Bible and the Bill of Rights Stick an American dragon Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon But there's one thing I just can't fix How did Noah fit them dragons on his book?
Come on, use your knowledge For more than holding your hat up Two dinosaur eggs was all he had to coat Of course, your beauty and your faith They done sold me hard Just two white heterosexuals in the sun True blue conversion puts the red in my cheeks And I think you'll find these colors they don't run Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon We should combine the Bible and the Bill of Rights Stick an American dragon Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon You were made in God's whole life Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon Hit your wagon to the wings of a dragon |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_honey_boo_boo_and_mama_on_the_2012_political_conventions_snl | Recently, both the Republican Democratic National Conventions aired to lower ratings than reality shows such as Tlc's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Here now with their thoughts on the election are Alana, Honey Boo Boo Child, and Mama. So, are you guys surprised that your show got higher ratings than the conventions?
No. when you go against us, you gonna lose your back! Well, you go, girl. are you okay, mama? Oh, I'm cool as a Junebug. I just always look like a video that's been paused in a weird spot. So, I have to ask, do you two support Obama or Romney? Like most Americans, I support whoever is the most glitzy, whoever got the prettiest hair, and whoever gonna help me get. And, uh, and who do you support, Mama? Well, I'm mostly concentrating on supporting my own hair. Aw, mama, don't say that. you got a pretty old top of the Boo Boo. Oh, that's right. even though you both speak English, your show is mostly subtitled. Well, you got a little bit of me, so don't worry.
So, if you could give advice to either of the candidates, what would you tell them? I would tell them to drink your go-go juice, move what you got, Honey Boo Boo, and always be telling off no one in particular. Yeah, and I would tell the candidates to try hard, but if you don't know what to do, I'd tell the candidates to try hard, But if you lose the run for presidency, don't worry none. all you got to do is join a Werewolf family or fill your house with cat skeletons at something that Tlc will just hook you up.
Honey boo boo And mama, everyone! I got both in my phone! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_kanye_west_praises_hitler_biden_averts_rail_strike_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Hey, good evening everyone. welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. your guys are not going to believe this, but Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week and it didn't go great. Kanye West made anti-semitic jokes and said, i like Hitler, which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-lago. at this point, I don't think Kanye is off his meds so much as he's immune to them. we're basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. you know, like we thought he'd fade away, but now we realize we may have to live with the brain fog of long-haul Kanye. What I don't understand about this Kanye stuff is, if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80-foot Christmas tree outside of Nbc.
Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept a deal that averts the strike, but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full-blown Cte?
The Georgia Senate runoffs set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem. Colin. President Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet. there's growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? start the primaries with a bang in Florida. instead of watching a politician eat a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth, shirtless at Gatorland as he battles for the state's key demographic. Grandma's under 30. at the end of the day, Florida may not give us Fdr or Jfk, but it will definitely give us Hpv.
Federal jury has found Oathkeeper's leader, Stuart Rhodes, guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal to verdict because he feels the trial, like his vision, was very one-sided. questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin's health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. questions like, is there a video? An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iphones by $6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. the workers' main demand is more playtime. I'm shocked too, guys. it was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she maybe had an easier time finding a good lawyer. thanks for watching! |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_cooking_show_without_gordon_ramsey | First you're going to need an almond. I guess we're starting right away, huh? Who's on top? Next we're going to need three quarter cup sugar, which I've already measured out. Next we'll need just a dog poo whipped cream, which I have also already prepared. Now we are making a pie, which I also, uh, I made it already.
It's finished. It's already done. It looks like we skipped a few steps. That's done. Show's over, pal.
Oh boy, I can hardly wait for today's episode because today we're going to be making a personal favorite of mine, Mama's Little Treat Loaf. Oh boy, what does that entail? Don't. This dish calls for two eggs, so let's go ahead and put those both in the bowl. Okay. Oh no! What?
You broke it! Why did you break my egg? No, no, no, you broke it!
That's when the judge said I can never go back to Arby's ever again.
And that's where you're going to need a good knife so you can cut it. So you can cut what? The knife. And that will just about do it.
Next thing we're going to need is just a dash of Worcestershire sauce. Uh, actually, Hillary, I believe it's called Worcestershire. That's exactly what I said. Worcestershire sauce. Now what you're going to want to do is whisk this in nice and good. Make sure you get yourself a good whisk, and don't forget to put your whisk into it. I feel like your pronunciation... You hear how it's like, Worcestershire sauce?
Uh, I... Wrong contact with a personal friend of mine. What did you say?
Rub that in nice. Don't forget to apply that in a nice, thin layer. Let's just give that a little... Mmm! Give it a try. Oh! And now that we've got it flipped over to the other side, you're going to want to season it just the same. Now remember, this is a very delicate piece of meat. So you're going to want to treat it just like you would your mommy.
No, Mommy! No!
I don't want to go to Chuck E. Cheese anymore! We go there every day! How many tickets can an eight-year-old boy accumulate for you?
You're going to want to pop that in the oven at about a thousand degrees. Uh, just forget about it. Mm-mm, Hillary, that smells amazing. Uh, so about how long are we going to keep that in there? Keep what in where? Uh, what you put in the oven.
What? Did you really? I forgot.
Hillary? Hello?
I got stuck in this line! And I found a diaper in the ball pit! And they didn't give me ice cream cake on my birthday! The band scares me.
I'm done. I'm finally finished separating all the raisins from the trail mix, just like you asked. Okay, perfect, because now it's time for our last ingredient! Oh, okay.
Go ahead and say it with me now! The spaghetti! You made me do this for so long! You can't just add spaghetti to a dish! Oh my god. That actually looks really good. Step seven, you're going to want to throw it all away. Why didn't you just- The show's over, pal! And now that I've got everything in there, you're going to want to blend that up for about 45 minutes. Wait. You're going to want to add just a pinch of this, and for about 25 minutes, you're going to want to call your mom. Mom, please. Yes, I win today! 500 tickets! It's getting hot.
The next thing I'll need to add is cube. Cube of what? Cube.
Boy time flies when you're having fun! Now that that's all done, let's open her up, and pour her out. Okay, okay. Yeah, mom, I know. I'm your little treat loaf. Okay, I love you too.
My dad died. You broke it! My dad died. |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_and_her_sons_saturday_night_live | I'm going on the porch for five minutes a piece. the first one who calls me gets my slipper. Ooh! Okay, you kids got the whole street to play ball on, but you got to play in front of my house. that's okay, because I keep it now, Okay? I keep it. it's mine now, all right? have your mother come get it. I hear you, smartass.
Hi, Loretta. where you going? What? I don't know. out. how much you going to store for me? Oh, come on. what? shut up.
I need a package of knee highs. I'm on my last pair. what color? suntan. And I want to change!
If this kid says to me today, he says, my, I think we need a machine for the phone. I says, no, the phone wasn't a machine the last time I checked, but don't listen to me, because I'm from Mars.
Yeah, I don't know anything. look, see? I'm green from head to toe. And look, I got an antenna growing out my ass.
Oh, Loretta, don't listen to me. I'm bad. Ah, don't listen.
Okay! all right, see this? Okay. okay, look. good. I wanted one of these.
What the hell happened? Well, would you please give the football back? What? Jesus. who hit you? it doesn't matter. they all hate me because you keep their stuff.
I'm the friends cause of you. Are these the kind of friends you want to have, huh? these cars stealing, fire starting, mumbleless bastards, huh? Are these the kind of friends you want to have?
What? Hi, Charisse. hey, how you doing, doll? Good.
Now, go get the damn knee highs. Go get the knee highs. before my show comes on, you heard me. Go get the knee highs. Get your own damn knee highs.
Did you swear, you bastard? Oh, sorry, Charisse.
I'm okay. I'm okay. a little gassy, We just ate.
Oh, don't listen to me, Charisse. I'm bad. don't listen to me. you set me up, you bitch. you set me up. you know it.
Yeah. Hi, Bella. how you doing, doll? Good. yeah. okay. all right. see this now? Okay, fella.
I come out for some peace. I'm fighting for my life.
All right. see this? Guess what? I can't play with this tomorrow. Yeah. that's what I'm going to do. Yeah. did you hear what happened to the Demarcos? look at this. Okay. all right. Yeah, I know. Yeah, my husband and I, we may not have. no, say, I don't understand all of everybody getting separated because my husband and I, we may not have had sex in six years, but our marriage was built on a solid foundation. you don't want a 30-year mortgage. don't listen. Oh, I'm so good. don't listen. Okay. all right. see this? No. no, I'm going to get it. look at this, you little jockstrap.
Okay? yeah, it fits. Goody, it fits.
What the hell happened? Well, the kids took the knee highs. they.you. yeah, they say, tell your mother, they're theirs now. they keep them. please, ma, just give them back their toys. Oh, I'll give them something. Okay. Which one of you crack-smoking, condomless bastards took the knee highs? Who took the knee highs? No, don't, don't, Okay? Come on, give up the knee highs, you baby pimps. you heard me. Who took them?
Oh, look, Ma, your show's on. your show's on. Is it on? Yeah. come on, Ma.
Okay, I want you to go get the knee highs. No, Ma, no, please. you're not getting back in this house until you get the knee highs. Now get the knee highs. Hey, guys? hey, guys? would you give me back the knee highs, guys? |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_always_and_forever_snl | Kids asleep, honey, sound asleep. Oh Jim. I Need you to take Tommy to practice tomorrow, Okay, okay? Don't forget my mother, she's coming over to dinner Friday, right? Did You get the car fixed. Yes, it was a lot less than what I thought Oh good Got it. These Will be ready in about two weeks. What's the matter? Nothing? I Love you. What's wrong? I said nothing Jim. Oh, all right. Come on. Deb. What did I do? Okay, how about I'm the only girl at the prom wearing a wrist corsage instead of a beautiful bouquet too much? My son in town But a one-of-a-kind gown. Oh, I thought you'd like it. It's called a nose, bud No One else is wearing one. Everyone's staring at me. Everyone think oh my god, um, you didn't even pick it out did you? She Loves you, and I didn't want to get the wrong thing Come on dad, let's dance. Come on Dad. I Love you. Let's dance What's the matter? Deb I Love you. What's wrong? Do You have any idea what? next week is Sphinx versus Ali? I know I was just kidding. You Didn't give me a chance to stay psyched and besides Might have got my foxy lady a great gift. and I bet you can't guess what it is I know what it isn't what? Try a rabbit fur coat. Oh, that's not what Linda said the gift I Really want. Everybody knows that she's jealous of me because I'm a fox and she's not Oh So, what did you get me? Oh My god, not another cow neck. Why Would you listen to Linda You Never, You didn't even like oh my God, that's it. You Like her. Oh My god I could not even believe you say that No Don't even say that no Jimbo. It's true. I Want to deal my mother's value right now. Oh My God. You're scaring me Oh Great Come on future rabbit fur owner. Let's dance Why Are you smiling like that Jimbo There's something I Want to tell you? wait a second Oh Dad you look just like Farrah Fawcett when you do that Jim Oh, I love him more than I can ever love anyone. And tonight After the prom I'm ready to show you just how much. Oh My God, Deb. Are You serious? I Want to give you a BJ. Oh My God. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Spider_Man_Homecoming | After an ATM robbery was thwarted by Queen's own colorful local crime stopper, the Spider-Man. You spot something like that happening, you turn and you run the other way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing Spider-Man Homecoming, the second reboot of Marvel's superhero movie franchise and a groundbreaking film in which director John Watts daringly reinvisions the young protagonist as a modern-day Lolita, a teenage nymph who tempts adults, both mortal men and superheroes alike, with the most forbidden desire there is. Tom Holland plays Lust's muse, 15-year-old Peter Parker, whose sexual awakening is triggered by his transformation from naive, virginal high schooler into the titular Spider-Man. Discovering his newfound superpower as an erotic being, Parker realizes that his very presence inflames the carnal urges of all those around him. Even Tony Stark, the billionaire and engineering genius, also known as Iron Man, has no defense against this beguiling adolescent who, as the film progresses, grows more aware of what his charms can do and less afraid to use them to get what he wants. In fact, in nearly every scene in Spider-Man, you can see the raw, sensual power this high-flying pubescent Adonis has over the other characters. Their agonizing struggle to deny themselves what they must never have, but want so very badly. None may touch him, but for all involved, it only makes the chase that much more irresistible. And no one knows that better than the teenage Spider-Man himself. Most smitten of all is Michael Keaton's vulture, who designs his own winged suit to pursue Parker as he swings from rooftop to rooftop. But like so many others in the film, it is he who finds himself pursued by a lust that will destroy him whether he consummates it or not. Our Spider-Minx enjoys toying with him. You can almost picture his knowing smirk beneath that mask. Ultimately, of all the many modern portrayals of Spider-Man, Tom Holland's take on the role shines through for its singular ability to excite.
Throughout the film's 120-minute runtime, my pulse was racing whenever this fresh-faced talent was on the screen. I simply couldn't take my eyes off him for a moment, and he lingered in my thoughts long after the credits rolled. Indeed, this is a complex performance I will surely revisit again and again and again.
Although Spider-Man saves the day, we also feel unease at the fact that he has manipulated so many with his overpowering man-child sexuality. Perhaps he still has not yet learned the most important lesson of being a hero. With great power comes great responsibility. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | join_or_die_then_die_anyway_life_in_the_revolutionary_war | Ben Franklin was a liar, a cartoony liar, because when he inspired America to unite against Britain with his snake doodle, the task wasn't join or die, it was join and die. Die a lot, like just, you're all gonna die, you. Because despite what your teachers told you, everybody in the American Revolution spent most of their time cheating death.
Death by any of four shocking things, here's number one, smallpox. It's the disease that almost ended the Revolution before it began. Smallpox is a catchy, resilient nightmare virus. It rampaged worldwide until the 1980s. It killed a third of its victims. Silver lining, a smallpox survivor, stays immune for life. Extra silver lining, experimental smallpox inoculation, began in the late 1700s, kind of in time for the Revolution. Terrifying doom lining.
Smallpox is even deadlier when large groups of people mingle their unfamiliar germs with new large groups of people, like say when the 13 colonies assembled an army from 13 different colonies. According to historian Elizabeth Fenn's amazing Pox Americana, a devastating smallpox epidemic was George Washington's real opponent for most of the war. It got so bad, Washington had to plan his entire strategy around smallpox. When he recaptured British occupied Boston, he sent a thousand smallpox immune soldiers into the city first to make sure the germ coast was clear, which it wasn't. Washington also marched his troops in separate columns based on their disease situations. And he couldn't use them effectively till they were all inoculated against smallpox several years after the war started. And smallpox might have reshaped North America more than the Revolution did. The disease saved, prevented, prevent saved Canada from being our 14th state. Patriot troops besieged British Quebec early in the war and the Yankees would have taken it over if they didn't keep dying of smallpox faster than reinforcements could arrive to help them and also die of smallpox, a lot of pucks.
From 1775 to 1782, about 25,000 men died for the Continental Army, only some of them from bullets. In that same time period, North America lost at least 130,000 people to the smallpox epidemic. Scores of colonial families died off, the Cherokee and Creek societies and what's now the American Southeast became too depopulated to keep white settlers out. The Hopi culture of the Southwest almost disappeared and as Lewis and Clark traveled to the Pacific 20 years later, they found Native American tribes that were still catching the smallpox George Washington grappled with, slash, kind of sparked by accident. But hey, luckily that was the only way the American Revolution killed a lot of Native Americans. Number two, the Six Nations Civil War.
Ah, shoot, really? Out of the way. Hey.
Six Nations, also known as the Iroquois Confederation, dominated the Great Lakes for centuries, uniting six tribes into one participatory democracy. But as you know, large participatory democracies can fall into civil wars, dividing their people and uglifying their pickup trucks and the American Revolution splintered the Six Nations. The Oneida and Tuscarora mostly sided with the Patriots against the pro-British Seneca, Cayuga, Mohawk, and Onondaga. The Battle of Ariskany in 1777 pitted loyalists Americans and Iroquois against Patriot Americans and Iroquois. It was one of the bloodiest battles of the entire war. The Patriots also surprise invaded Seneca and Mohawk lands in 1779. Four Continental Army brigades, you would have assumed needed to fight redcoats, spent an entire campaign wasting village after Iroquois village. And when the British and Americans negotiated a peace treaty in 1783, both sides left Native Americans out of the process. Neither side rewarded the Six Nations peoples who helped them. Americans took more and more Six Nations lands.
Also, don't forget the smallpox stuff. Anyway, that's all the worst murder surprises of the American Revolution. Number three, Congress starved its own army.
So that's what that feels like. As you've learned by existing, it sucks to have to do paperwork, pay for stuff, or think ahead. However, people tend to do that anyway in critical situations, like planning a wedding, planning a divorce, or divorcing the King of England.
But somehow, nobody bothered to feed, clothe, or fund George Washington's army until the end of the Revolutionary War. Britain should have won the thing just by printing uniforms and giving a crap. Because out of the Continental Congress's 65 members, only five of them have British military experience. And only one of those guys had experience specific to supplying an army. None of those guys had any interest in working together, and John Adams convinced the rest of Congress that their dumb-wigged brains should be in charge of the army's supply chain.
Because letting George Washington pick his own guy to do it would give General Washington Kingly power and food. But, you know, mostly the king thing. Congress picked a logistics guy for Washington named Thomas Mifflin. Mifflin was terrible at that job, then lost the job, then got the job back because no one else wanted to do it.
He openly didn't bother to do any work, starting in July of 1777. Didn't get fired for kinda quitting, and resigned anyway in November of 1777.
Just in time for Washington's troops to die of malnutrition and not having shoes in their winter at Valley Forge. They'd also been dying of those problems before Valley Forge, because Congress tackled each military resource request by forming a new emergency committee to handle it.
It was like if your roommate held an angry house meeting for every dirty dish, and it wasn't me! I rinse cereal bowls, Craig!
Without congressional help, George Washington spent the post Valley Forge years forcing his best general to organize supply wagon trains instead of commanding troops, because George couldn't find the other patriot with managerial skills till the second to last year of the war. Till then, the Continental Army pretty much self supplied, and as historian E. Wayne Karp tells it in To Starve the Army at Pleasure, Washington's troops self supplied by robbing their fellow colonists up and down the eastern seaboard with and without Washington's permission. The army called it civilian impressment, and the colonists called it stealing our horses, wagons, clothes, and food till we starve to death, stop doing, stop it. It happened so often it almost sparked a sub-revolution against Congress's revolution, and no one wants to be in a hungrier, wiggier inception. But hey, starving in the field, beats getting captured by the enemy, so not so bad.
Number four, Britain's Hell Hole Prison Ships. I don't know what I expected. The British captured and held New York City for almost the whole war. A lot of people don't know that. And anchored unventilated prison barges off of Manhattan, where 12,000 Patriot POWs died.
This part's gross, let's just end the video. Because they had to live on whichever rats they found on board, and ate raw. Videos over, stop talking, videos over. And when they ran out of rats, they ate the lice off their own bodies. I said, videos over, let's dance, motherfucker.
Hey, you like stand-up, come see the cracked stand-up show. It's happening January 26th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you wanna see amazing comedians, including our own Theresa Lee, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you wanna see this brick wall, all by itself, keep watching.
And as Lewis and Clark traveled to the Pacific 20 years later, they found Native American tribes that were still catching the smallpox George Washington grappled with, slash, kinda sparked, by accident. But hey, luckily, that was the only way the American Revolution killed a lot of Native Americans. Number two, the Six Nations Civil War.
Ah, shoot, really? Outta the way.
Hey, Six Nations also knows the Iroquois Confederation dominated the Great Lakes for centuries, uniting six tribes into one participatory democracy. But as you know, large participatory democracies can fall into civil wars, dividing their people and uglifying their pickup trucks. And the American Revolution splintered the Six Nations. The Oneida and Tuscarora mostly sided with the Patriots, against the pro-British Seneca, Cayuga, Mohawk, and Onondaga. The Battle of Ariskanie in 1777 pitted Loyalist Americans and Iroquois against Patriot Americans and Iroquois. It was one of the bloodiest battles of the entire war. The Patriots also surprise invaded Seneca and Mohawk lands in 1779. Four Continental Army brigades, you would have assumed needed to fight redcoats, spent an entire campaign wasting time after Iroquois village. And when the British and Americans negotiated a peace treaty in 1783, both sides left Native Americans out of the process. Neither side rewarded the Six Nations peoples who helped them. Americans took more and more Six Nations lands.
Also, don't forget the smallpox stuff. Anyway, that's all the worst murder surprises of the American Revolution. Number three, Congress starved its own army.
So that's what that feels like. As you've learned by existing, it sucks to have to do paperwork, pay for stuff, or think ahead. However, people tend to do that anyway in critical situations, like planning a wedding, planning a divorce, or divorcing the King of England.
But somehow, nobody bothered to feed, clothe, or fund George Washington's army until the end of the Revolutionary War. Britain should have won the thing just by printing uniforms and giving a crap. Because out of the Continental Congress's 65 members, only five of them have British military members and only one of those guys had experience specific to supplying an army. None of those guys had any interest in working together, and John Adams convinced the rest of Congress that their dumb-wigged brains should be in charge of the army's supply chain.
Because letting George Washington pick his own guy to do it would give General Washington Kingly power and food. But, you know, mostly the king thing.
Congress picked a logistics guy for Washington named Thomas Mifflin. Mifflin was terrible at that job, then lost his job. Then got the job back because no one else wanted to do it.
He openly didn't bother to do any work, starting in July of 1777, didn't get fired for kind of quitting, and resigned anyway in November of 1777, just in time for Washington's troops to die of malnutrition and not having shoes in their winter at Valley Forge. They'd also been dying of those problems before Valley Forge, because Congress tackled each military resource request by forming a new emergency committee to handle it. It was like a military force, and it wasn't me, I rinse cereal bowls, Craig! Without congressional help, George Washington spent the post Valley Forge years forcing his best general to organize supply wagon trains instead of commanding troops. Because George couldn't find the other patriot with managerial skills till the second to last year of the war. Till then, the Continental Army pretty much self supplied. And as historian E. Wayne Karp tells it in To Starve the Army at Pleasure, Washington's troops self supplied the army's supply chain, tells it in To Starve the Army at Pleasure, Washington's troops self supplied by robbing their fellow colonists up and down the eastern seaboard with and without Washington's permission.
The army called it civilian impressment. The colonists called it stealing our horses, wagons, clothes, and food till we starve to death. Stop doing, stop it. It happened so often it almost sparked a sub revolution against Congress's revolution, and no one wants to be in a hungrier, wiggier inception. But hey, starving in the field, the beat's getting captured by the enemy, so not so bad.
Number four, Britain's Hell Hole Prison Ships. I don't know what I expected. The British captured and held New York City for almost the whole war. A lot of people don't know that. And anchored unventilated prison barges off of Manhattan where 12,000 patriot POWs died.
This part's gross, let's just end the video. Because they had to live on whichever rats they found on board and ate raw. Videos over, stop talking, videos over. And when they ran out of rats, they ate the lice off their own bodies. I said, videos over, let's dance, motherfucker.
Hey, you like stand up, come see the Cracked Stand Up Show. It's happening January 26th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you wanna see amazing comedians, including our own Theresa Lee, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you wanna see this brick wall, all by itself, keep watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Joy_McKean_OAM | Today we are joined by a pioneer of Australian recording music, country music in particular, but music in general. One of the hardest workers. We've actually had the opportunity to meet and interview someone who's probably toured the most out of any Australian musician that we've definitely come across, but anyone who's been involved in the game since the start.
So thank you for joining us through the key. Well, thank you very much Clancy, Errol. Nice to meet you. Good to meet you, Pierre. Hearing a lot about you. Thanks for having us here.
There's a lot of stuff on the wall. I'm seeing a lot of mementos from a long career. Yes. We've just put a few of those up and a lot of them are up at Kempsie and the Slim Dosti Centre, but we've got a few things up there and Slim's collection of all the Lawson and early balladeers, the books and so on. So yes, got a lot of mementos here.
Now you've just come back from Kempsie, I believe, with the premiere of the new documentary. Can you tell us how was that to kind of get back into one of the many heartlands of the music you all created? Well, that was really exciting because they've got new cinemas there and it was the first time I'd been into them and they've got this big mural in the foyer in both areas, you know, and I walk in there and there's Slim, huge, up on the wall of the foyer. Everyone was absolutely wonderful and I was thrilled to think that we had this going in Slim's hometown, you know. It was really, really good and very exciting. We had a great time. So the film came out on the 10th of September. Yes. Could you tell our listeners a little bit about it?
It's called Slim and I. Yes. It's based actually on my story as compared to the straight one of just Slim. It's about the long partnership and the long marriage that we had and what it was like. You see, it's very different for a woman on the road to what it is for, you know, for someone like Slim. We each had our side of things to do and we were pretty lucky in that things that Slim say wasn't used to doing, I could do. And then on the other hand, I wasn't really good at getting under the trucks and, you know, fixing a wheel hub or something like that, so Slim had to do that for sure.
So there was, you know, a lot of people have this idea, particularly with, you know, country musicians, that there's this idea of someone with just a guitar over the shoulder. There was a bit of an operation from even in the early days, there was a team that kind of got the show on the road. Yes, it was. It was a very small team to begin with, I tell you. We just all piled into old Betsy.
It's an old 39 Ford, a heavy back one, and pulling an old caravan that in the end I called the egg because of the shape of it, you know, it was dreadful. The water tank didn't work, neither did the so-called electricity contact, you know, connections.
It was a case of cooking over a primus. You know, it was pretty rough. So as soon as I thought we might be able to afford it or going to hire a purchase, I got one that was a bit bigger. It had a meadow stove with two burners on it. Fancy.
So were you born into a musical family? Like, where did music find you first? I was born in Singleton in the Hunter Valley. And my father was a country school teacher.
So we moved around a bit in there, but mum played piano. And everywhere that they moved, she took the piano. That's the old piano that's still there up the hallway. There was always music around in that mum played the piano.
And then she and dad went to learn to play the Hawaiian steel guitar. When I was only about seven or eight, they bought me ukulele and one of those E to Z tutors. So I used to bang away on that. And then mum started teaching me a little bit about what to do on the piano and how to put chords together. And that was enough for me to start off with. Then dad showed me how to vamp on the steel guitar. Like, if you saw the people playing the dob row now. Yeah, you see, well, that was what they then called Hawaiian steel guitar. So Heather and I began singing very young. And I started and then Heather followed into it. I used to laugh. I used to say she was one of these kids said, whatever you can do, I can do better for them. And she generally did, she was jolly good at it. No, but that's where the music came from. And then I'm very fortunate. Mum and dad decided that I should learn to play guitar. And then Heather, of course, wanted to be in it. She was so small that she couldn't really manage the guitar, even the small one that they had made for me. And so she had ukulele. We started singing, you know, the local school concerts and church concerts, things like that.
But we ended up being on air pretty early. Yeah, you were about 10 when you and Heather first made your debut. Norman Arthur Scott used to record for the old Regal Zonophone label as singing Stockman. And they had a Sunday morning radio program on 2GB every Sunday morning in Sydney. And so once a fortnight, we came to Sydney for our lessons. We used to end up on the radio on that morning singing. So, yeah, I think that I was 11 or 12, Heather's two years younger.
Was that relayed back to Singleton? No, this is not that time when we had our own show later in later years. Yes, even up on Doyle's Creek near Singleton, I believe everything stopped on a Saturday night. So all the neighbours tuned in to Melody Trail. So what was it like being a child star in Singleton?
Yeah, it was a bit strange, wasn't it? I didn't know anything about that at all.
Because we then were living down in the southern highlands. Dad was teaching a little place called Yandere down towards Metagon. We'd get on the train and get up to Sydney and have our lessons and that sort of thing. Go back to Dad teaching us, you know, for three hours.
Can you tell us at what point did you stumble across this city slicker from Kempsey? You were more country. I wonder if that, I'm not sure if the documentary goes into that, but it sounds like Singleton. You're getting a bit less of a sea breeze in Kempsey. It did rather, but well, when I was in high school and Dad was in the army, Mum moved us down to Sydney and gradually Heather and I began finding that, well, we were doing so many sort of concerts and everything that in the end Mum was saying, you know, you've got to do your homework first sort of thing. But when we first met, Heather and I were already running our Melody Trail radio show. And that was on 2KY at 6.30 every Saturday night.
And I'd heard about Slim and I think I heard some records of his, I think. I know Mum must have because she was lecturing us about diction. And she said, you know, that Slim Dusty, you can understand every word that he sings. And I thought, yeah, what, you know.
Anyway, when I met Slim, he thought I was just some sort of little city piece. He didn't know anything about me, really. He'd heard us plenty and knew I had the radio show and all. And then I thought he was a bit of a liar. You know, a bit full of himself. And of course, I got a bit of a surprise on seeing him because the first photo I saw of him had been printed back to front. So he looked as if he was left handed.
Yeah, right. Yeah, about 40, you know, and quite plump. And he was nothing of that at all. So that's how it started anyway, until we got to know each other a lot, lot better, working together, you know.
And where would have your hub been when you started working together and started touring? Was it Sydney? Was there somewhere in the middle of all these towns you were visiting? No, for Slim and me, we were married and we had built a house here in Sydney over at West Epping. We were both saving and we began running shows in Sydney because at that particular time, late 40s and early 50s, you could go to a country music show in some suburb of Sydney nearly every night of the week.
That's how big it was. So we were saving and putting every penny aside because Slim wanted to have his own show and be touring. And I was perfectly happy to go along with that. It sounded great.
When we did start, we had 19 pounds in our pocket and we had the old car. We had one microphone. I don't know how many speakers we had, one or two. And then we had an old, sorry, a new Ferregraph tape recorder. The reel to reel tapes. So when we started off, we couldn't afford a big team with us.
So it ended up with Slim and me, Barry Thornton, who began as a singer but ended up being Slim's lead guitarist for years, and Malcolm Mason on whips and ropes. And Barry became the comedian of the show as well. So that was it. And you needed something else.
So we used to run a talent quest at night. The prize for the winner each night was to be recorded on the Ferregraph and that would be sent to Heather back in Sydney. And they would then be played, that was the big prize, more or less to be played on the melody trail on the next Saturday night.
So that was what our first touring team consisted of. So success didn't come instantaneously. It was a long road. It was a very long road, very long one.
We went great up the coast because up there was a lot of dairy farming communities. They're up early in the morning in most of the country or hillbilly programs, they used to call them, would be on early in the morning. And then it all turned a bit sour when we went up past to when we started coming down the New England. That's when Betsy seemed to be, you know. In the cold country. Oh yes, all the tires went and that sort of thing. And anything that could happen did happen. And it was getting on towards Christmas, so everyone was saving up their money for Christmas too. By the time we got halfway down the New England, things were looking, you know, not real good.
So I rang mum. Gleniness, you called mum around there or halfway down?
So we got Gordon Parsons and went out round Walgett and that sort of thing. And made enough to pay mum back, you see. And then, and also to think, this might work. It's a bit nicer out there at Walgett, on the plains there. It was. The farms are a bit bigger and we've made good ticket holders. It's a bit warmer a bit further.
When did success come? I mean, it was a few years down the track with a pub with no beer. Well, that was a big breakthrough.
But before that, Slim had cut through with Rain Tumbles. Rain Tumbles down in July.
And he had a lot of big records out. We weren't getting any records out because simply because I was on the road away. Heather was in Sydney. And then when she married Reg, we're touring at opposite ends of the nation. So we concentrated on Slim and he kept recording. Then when the pub just happened, it was recorded. And he thought that was going to be the B-side of a Wriggles telephone single. Well, you know what happened. And we didn't realise because by that time we had just joined up with Frank Foster to work on the showgrounds to see how that went.
Was it showy with all the rides? Yeah, that was a fascinating thing. I wouldn't have swapped it for anything. A fantastic experience.
So you went ahead with that while public no beer was breaking records? Yeah, yeah. Oh, the pub with no beer happened after it. Oh, right.
You see, we went up and joined up with Frank on the big tent and the whole bit. And then we left all the gear in there. And we went out to Charleville and did some of the Western agricultural shows out there. And when we came back into Brisbane, all the showmen were saying, just saying, gee, that's a good one.
That one you got on the hit parades, you know? And he said, what? And he said, oh, that one about the pub. And we said, oh, God.
You know, nobody but nobody was playing any country by that time. And this was about 1956, a long time ago.
It happened. A man called Alan Lapham in Brisbane picked it up and started playing it. And then when Bob Rogers was also working in Brisbane, he was going to move to Sydney. He wanted a novelty. And took the pub with him, brought it with him down here. And it just exploded.
Did that become the song that people would request on the road? Is that the one that would be yelling for it? Well, the first year, no, Slim would get up and sing it. After that, that first year when it actually hit, then after that, it started everybody asked for the pub. They expected the pub. So Slim always had to sing it.
Didn't worry him at all.
He sang it very happily. He used to laugh about it when he first heard it. He said, I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. He loved it.
So you were managing to, I mean, in a career that saw, obviously, Slim had 100 albums, which sounds like he was busy. You and your sister, did you manage to link back up and make more music? No, because once I was away touring, we were touring then. We began touring. We were on the road. Well, actually it was 11 months of the year to begin with. We knocked it back to nine. No, we weren't singing together at all. And we didn't sing together as a duo until again into the 80s, when we met up again after she'd been a while in America. We came back and it all just clicked in again. She toured with us for a long time. But that didn't stop you from writing a lot of music, really, in those years.
And you had a big gong with Lights on the Hill. I mean, how did that song come about just from all those nights of driving Betsy? Betsy, poor old Betsy was long gone. I had a station wagon and it was an automatic one. In fact, my only driver was an automatic one. Lights on the Hill happened a long time later.
In the meantime, I was writing other songs, a lot of different songs. Slim recorded some sort of rockabilly songs and he wanted some. I wrote two or three of those for him, which he recorded.
Ace of Hearts, Don't Want No Woman Around.
I wrote that one. I thought, now you can enjoy singing that one.
But Lights on the Hill. Lights on the Hill.
I was driving a loaded caravan, a wagon, rather, pulling a loaded caravan, too. Slim was ahead of me in the big truck and the big van. And Barry was ahead of him in the smaller truck. And I think the towing caravan for the girls.
We were going to pick up the rest of the show that was going to meet us at Warwick in Queensland. And this was June. And it was freezing cold when I got up through Tamworth. And, you know, go over the Moonby range there. And heading sort of over the range and up to Guyra.
And there used to be a piece of that road. It's gone now. It's changed now because it was dangerous. And this was, they called it the Devil's Pinch.
Between Moonby and Guyra. It was pouring rain. It was black.
And all the semis were heading to Sydney for the morning markets. And, you see, they got the lights, the full beam. And, of course, I had my little station wagon, full beam.
But as the trucks come over the hill at me, you know, because my left foot and leg is completely paralyzed from polio, childhood polio, I've only got one foot to work. Yeah. The controls. Well, the one I was driving was a 70s wagon. And the dimmer switch is still on the floor. Not on the gear stick. So I had the, you know, accelerator, brake, and dimmer switch. And every time through the Moonby ranges, the truck had come over, hit me with that. I'd go flip from there over to there, hit the dimmer switch back onto the accelerator. Because with the load I kept pulling, and it was on the little van, I thought it was going to stall. It would have stalled if I hadn't kept the motor going. So I did that sort of a dance all the way through the Moonbys. Yeah.
And when I got to Devil's Pinch, it was pouring rain and it was black. And I thought, I'll end up going to sleep, you know, with it going like this. So I thought to myself, well, I wonder how long it would be before Slim came back to find me if I go over there. So I don't think I'd better do that.
And so I just started writing the song. And I wrote it as if it was a truckie writing it. Yeah, it was a truckie, a terrified truckie writing a song.
Yeah, that's right. It's a great story. And the windscreen wipers are beaten in time. Yeah, and they were. And it kept going. You know what?
Though I believe an American truckie told my grandson's now wife, Flora, couldn't have been written by a woman. Definitely not. He wouldn't believe her. Flora, I don't know whether she ever convinced him or not.
Anyway, I got up there and Slim was unhooking the big van when I got there. And I said, oh, wrote a song on the way up. Oh, he said, did you? OK, well, he said, you ought to put it down a cassette before you forget it.
And normally, I'd just laugh that off and never do it.
But this time, I pulled a guitar out from under one of the bunks and the little cassette recorders we always carried. And I did. I just sang it roughly with the guitar onto this cassette and I just put it away and forgot about it. And at Christmas time, I had Colleen Trenwith staying with us, Colleen and Paul from the Hamilton County Bluegrass Band. And I remembered this cassette and this song.
I said to Colleen, oh, I've got something you can play fiddle on. It's just right for it. Colleen got it and, oh, when I was singing it, she just swung straight into that cage and fiddled with it and it was just perfect. I said, gee, that'd be a good one for Slim. Oh, she said, that's going to just, that would really be good for him.
And Slim said, no, too many words, can't get my breath or anything. You better give it to somebody else.
And I said, oh, the only time I ever pushed him about trying to sing something, but of course it was very different to anything that he had done before and he wanted to go fishing. So he went fishing and I sat at the piano and then when I got the cassette, because when I got the cassette out, then I discovered that he had used it as a rehearsal tape and he wiped all the second half of the song off. And so it was just as well that he was out fishing.
The little song that could, it was against all odds. It ended up on stage. Yeah, it was funny. It was his closer for over 20 years. And once he got into it, I swear, I don't think anybody else could sing it like he could. He'd get up on stage, he'd thump his heel into the stage floor and then he'd go into it. And with the band, the band knew it so well with him.
I've only found perhaps two, maybe two, that can come close to our 60s stage version. There's been a lot of tried. Yeah. There's been a lot of covers. There's only a couple.
Or did you ever think it was going to win the golden guitar? I mean, after all this perseverance. No. Well, you see, I got a terrific shock.
Well, that was the first golden guitar award. Yeah, it's first year's award. And I was really amazed when I won the first golden guitar for the song of the year.
I found it very difficult to believe because in the first place in country music, it was always the artist. The songwriter was way back there. And I had been writing songs that Slim had singing, but no one was taking much notice of the fact that I was writing them.
Yeah. You see?
Because songs didn't really become important, it seemed to me, in Australian country music until perhaps the 70s. Suddenly, it's like the songwriters got together and had their own sort of songwriter awards and everything. And their slogan was, first the song. And then since then, of course, it's got to the stage where they're asking singers to, you know, haven't you written any of the songs for the album yourself and all that? That was never the case, really. Things changed a lot. So singer-songwriter is a new term in itself for a lot of musicians, you think? Yes. A lot of the songwriters, the Bush songwriters, actually, they used to start singing then afterwards. People like Ernie Constance, Dan Costa, you know, some of them. It was great. But nowadays, everybody seems to be looking for the songs first.
Yeah. And it's a real turnaround. It's quite surprising. But anyway, after that, I thought, well, I can write what I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think I'll all listen next time. So where do you see Australian country music heading in the future? I think in one way, they're trying to split it too much. You know, your country, oh, your art. There's different styles of it. You're getting away from the core of it. But if you're not concentrating on, actually, we always say, you know, you have to know the roots of country music. If you're going to sing it, no matter what style of country you want to sing. No, we spoke to John Williamson about a year ago, and he was concerned that Australian country music was getting a bit too Americanised in how it sounds, about how everything is in danger of becoming too homogenised. Have you noticed that? I know what John means. I also know that for, or I feel, that for a music, a genre, or any music to survive, it does have to evolve. It does have to, and it will have its branches. I think that at the moment, though, perhaps too many of the singers coming on are getting too influenced by all the alternatives.
They don't even know where the route begins, because they've got all the branches there, and they're getting in the way. What's with that? They can't see the forest for the trees? Well, I think that's a bit confusing for all young artists. You've got to be pretty well established in what you're doing to stick to your road and to make something off it without getting yourself off on all these other little branches. They're mixing it up too early. They're mixing it up too early, and they don't really know where they're going, a lot of them, the young ones. I think they need to go back and start again.
One thing that has assured a future for country music in Australia is the Tamworth Country Music Festival, which you were heavily involved in from the start. I guess anyone who was around was going to feature. You were actually quite instrumental, would you say? Yes, I was one of the four or five that established the Country Music Association of Australia, and that was established when it looked as though we were going to lose the awards. You see, country artists to survive in those days when from the time rock and roll took over, and you had to hide your albums underneath this new rock sort of thing. It was ridiculous, but that's the way it was. That's what sent a lot more of the artists out on the road, which is a good thing anyway, but it became that people were touring all the time, and you never saw your friends unless you happened to crisscross your tour somewhere. Then along came the Golden Guitar Awards. Well, for us, that was somewhere where we could all meet one week in the year, and we could also have won that one night for ourselves and for our music, and when it looked as if we were going to lose that, it caused more of an uproar and really a noise that nobody expected because we didn't want to lose that one night, and so yes, that's when I got interested in some of the industry-style things. A lot has kind of happened, obviously, as we mentioned at the start of the interview, a career on the road, a career spent promoting the newest release, whether that be something you've written, something Slim's written, something Slim's recorded or released, or anyone else that was around you at the time. What do you think was some of the most exciting places to visit? There was a lot of heartlands for your show.
No, we'd be out on the road when something was released until you could say that every car had a radio. Before that, half the time, we didn't know when things were released. We didn't know how things took off.
After Lights on the Hill, the record companies kept in touch better and everything like that, and also mobile phones made a big difference. If you're in a caravan, you can go to ring the kids at school or something. One call a week was all you were allowed, and you had to go and just line up with the post office telephone booth, that sort of thing.
When we were out on the road, half the time, we didn't know what was happening in the music industry. A lot of the time, there were some surprises, good ones, bad ones, and most peculiar ones. Kev Carmody said that to us recently. He went years at a time without knowing a song had been a hit because he didn't have a phone.
Yes, I mean, you can fight them, can't you? But in the end, you've got to jolly well join them.
In this documentary, it's taken a few years to get together. It certainly has, Clancy. My grandson, James, has actually been working on this. He's worked for about seven years. To try and get this all happening.
They tell me that I had written books about Slim, and about the touring and everything like that. But the publisher said, and Anne pushed me a lot, she said, you should tell your story because it's from a woman's point of view.
I did that, and strangely enough, it was that that the television producer and then that this producer, Chris Brown, picked up on. And of course, he found, he was shameless with everything there, all the archives, all the work that he put into it for years. He'd even written treatment of the story. Well, they just, Chris and James, they managed to get Chris standards. He's a great director. And before I knew where it was, there I was, talking to and starting on this, and I was pretty apprehensive. And I don't think I could have gone into it, on all of it, if I hadn't had James to depend on. He's very dependable, very noble, and a hard worker.
And now your poor grandson, I believe, has missed the screenings down in Melbourne. It's very hard on Jim and Laura. It's a bit cruel, that twist of fate, that he's finally got this thing finished.
But I'm sure they'll have a Melbourne screening for him when it's all opened up. Oh, we'll have to have a premiere all over again when Melbourne opens up, so that James can have some of the fun of watching it up there in a cinema.
Because he and Flora got that rough song. And Flora, in particular, completely rewrote the second half of it. The words about the band's gone home, but there's someone still singing along. Those words are definitely all Flora's.
She's a great musician. She and Jim are really, really good, a good duo.
I think they remind me a bit of Slim and Me, in Slim and I. Slim and I. That's a fantastic way to end, I think. Yeah, yeah. That's great.
It's given all the diehard listeners that are listening in now, not only is there the doco to look forward to, but there's also the next next generation. Yes, there's the next generation. Because you see, there you are. You've got three generations on that song.
More or less, I wrote the basis of it. Then they did the co-writing. Jim and Flora, as small town romance, they recorded it, but they had Anne, my daughter, featured vocalist in it. She was doing vocal harmonies with Flora, but then she sang all of the last verse and everything. So that's the three generations of the family involved in one song.
Wowee. Yeah. I don't think that's ever happened before, has it, really? No, not that I do. Certainly not in this country.
No, no. No, the album's just out and that song's on it. It's on the first track, I think, on the album now.
I Don't Believe You, small town romance. I Don't Believe You. Yeah, I Don't Believe You.
Yeah. And it's a different song. It's far, totally different from anything I've ever written before.
We look forward to it. Now we've got a big plate of wagon wheels in front of us that will not be fit audio broadcasts. So we'll have to get stuck into these and have another cup of tea.
But thank you for chatting to us today, Joy. What a lovely story. Oh, it's been good. Fun. Thanks, Errol. Thanks, Clancy. Thank you.
And to finish us up here today, we're going to listen to Joy's daughter, Ann Kirkpatrick, singing a song that was obviously made famous by Joy and Slim, written by Joy. And one of the best songs recorded by Slim Dusty. And according to Slim Dusty, one of the best songs he ever sang.
So this is Ann Kirkpatrick with The Biggest Disappointment. I had my future wrapped up in a puzzle Have no one even thought of asking me So the day I turned 15, I caught the mail train Well, to find what else might be in life for me I rode on trucks and trains and left on nothing Served me right for wanting to be free Oh, well, that's the way society looked at it But it didn't seem to be that way to me And the biggest disappointment in the family was me The only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me A lot more dinner times than there were dinners I learned a lot that hurt me at the time Then this quiet country boy went home a different man With a memory of distance on my mind Guess I spoke too loud and laughed too often Oh, maybe drank too many glasses down Oh, perhaps my clothes were older than I realized I relieved you all concerned when I left town And the biggest disappointment in the family was me Oh, the only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be Oh, maybe I was the only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_explore_page_snl | So, next weekend, we're actually going to Sioux Falls. Yeah. ooh. that'll be great. Why is Sioux Falls?
I don't know. I just kind of always wanted to go. that's so fun. by the way, Chelsea, I've been meaning to say, I love your shirt. where's it from? Oh, an Instagram ad. it just totally popped up in my feed. the algorithm knows what you want to see, right? it's so future. sometimes it does. Totally. Oh, wait. you guys, you know it's a fun game. we show each other our Instagram Explore pages. Oh, wait.
I'm too scared. I'm scared.
Okay. okay. I'll go first. Okay. this is so embarrassing. it's all cookie recipes. Oh. you're those with me. Okay. and mine is literally just puppies. not one human. Okay. your turn, boys. who's next? no. what? I'm not playing your little game. Guys, come on. it'll be fun. it will ruin the night. What? Mark, show us your phone. I think I left it in the car. what is with you guys? If it's just a bunch of hot girls in bikinis, we can handle that. let's just drop it, right? are you on my phone? um. uh-oh. is it a bunch of butts? Yeah. no. it's just like this one woman. Hey there, my strong little man. What is this?
I'm your Lisa Confidence, an online girlfriend for young men with self-esteem issues. So it's a self-confidence thing?
I mean, John, why would you. John! Morning. you are not sleeping. I'm tired of it. Mark, give me your phone.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. is there a bird in here? Oh, like an airport thing. Oh, it's hot. Stop. there's no bird in here.
Babe, look, I promise you. there's nothing weird. it's just all Sydney Sweeney. wouldn't make me feel better, and that's not true. Hello, my Chosen Soldier. it's all that lady. I've never even seen these videos before. Special thank you to Martin Herlihy for his $3,000 donation. you gave this bitch $3,000? it's for a good cause. Look out for your mystery gift, Martin. here's a hint. it's my stinky bathwater.
So it is a sexual thing. Yeah, a sexual thing.
Yeah. yes, it is. you'll get my beautiful best. Whoa! babe, give me your. what's up, baby? did you eat your phone? I eat my cell phone. hey, brother, will you help me call 911? yeah. sure. Thanks, dude. Okay. hello? don't forget to join me at our second Annual Confidence Gun in Sioux Falls. that's why we're going to Sioux Falls! Okay, hey, guys. Listen, I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but I know those videos seem weird, okay?
But right now, there is an epidemic of male loneliness in this country. look around you. Maybe your Nisa Confidence is exactly what they need right now. Maybe we all are Nisa confidence because the world right now is a pretty scary place. Also, your friend that swallowed his iphone died a while ago. don't tell him! Look at my beautiful breath. |
SaturdayNightLive | chantix_saturday_night_live | Chantix. real people. real stories. I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. for my son. for my husband. Chantix is not a nicotine product. it helps reduce the urge to smoke. Because smoking wasn't a habit. it was an addiction. that's why I asked my doctor about Chantix. talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while taking Chantix. Some people have had changes in behavior, such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix. if you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away. Do Not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmless drugs such as caffeine, as they may drastically increase the desire to kill. if you notice symptoms such as rashes, fever, droopy lip, jazz hands, Robert De Niro face, or Incredible Hulk strength, then call the police right away. for it is beginning. But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. as well as waking nightmares where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. So use caution when operating spaceships. spaceships? uh-oh. I think you're having one of those waking nightmares.
Banana? Yes, orange. Hi, Banana. I love you, Orange. Hi, Banana.
Kill him! Kill your husband Now! Get Him! Chantix. Just keep smoking. |
cracked | 5_household_items_you_didn_t_know_had_super_powers_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and no, you look stupid in those glasses. This week, we're looking at things inside your very house with superpowers they don't advertise.
For instance, soy sauce advertises itself basically nowhere, due to the unpopularity of slogans like soy sauce, like reverse lactate, we let white people eat Asian food their body is trying to reject. Soy sauce might claim to bring sushi to life, and that would be a mistake. Behold, the most unreasonable fear you've ever had when you first sat down to eat sushi come to horrifying life. Science tells us it's the salt in the soy sauce sending electrical charges through the dead muscle, as with these frog legs, which look sort of like they're having a hard time not dancing to an irresistible slow jam.
But that's not a squid or a melted animatronic from the park fire Disney covered up in the late 70s. Way worse, actually. It's the face of a decapitated cuttlefish, an animal with eyes that betray an eerie intelligence and undeniable hatred. Oh good, it's a master of disguise with an alien queen-like throat spear.
Hey, if you want to recreate one of those glowing wormhole things from Donnie Darko and indirectly cause fatal car crashes on the highway, look no further than the condom on your dick. It's part helipad weather vane, part the faces from the abyss if they were huge lumpy dicks. Can you just imagine the conversation about how big they really need to make these things where it starts at a reasonable maximum and ends with, no bro, my boner can fill a giant sleeping bag. Now if nothing else, this definitively proves that guys who claim they wear magnum-sized condoms for comfort are full of s***. The normal ones can't handle what you're packing, you need to see a doctor like immediately.
Most domesticated animals suck at things they weren't specifically trained or even bred to do. Like this horse may be great at trotting or whatever horses do, but on the dance floor it looks so awkward that not only does it look drunk, but it looks like it's being imagined by a drunk person. Cats and birds suck at zero gravity, cats actually just suck at air travel in general, and raccoons are awful drunks, but I don't need to tell you that. But sometimes domesticated animals surprise you. Here's a guy playfully picking up and tossing a fish, who f***ing loves it more than a dog would love playing catch with that fish. Speaking of which, this video was uploaded by someone who thinks that's also how you play fetch with dogs, so just poor f***ing dog. Also winning this video's award for a biggest stretch that you'd have any of these objects lying around your house, but too cool not to share with you, rabbits can run on top of avalanches.
You may have noticed by now that we're stretching the limits of what we refer to as superpowers, being able to be the ball in a game of fetches, not a superpower, and neither is the ability to headbang your body to pieces, but it is f***ing awesome. That's like what would happen if Bruce Banner started to hulk out in a mosh pit and his super strength and hyper rage all triggered, but his body didn't change. Like if he was used to mashing to Black Flag and he went to a Guns N' Roses reunion show and as his body was about to change he looked up and saw this on stage, that's about what would happen right?
Anyways, all you need is a brick to make your washing machine commit violent suicide. This officially begins the short section of videos that are probably irresponsible to show adolescent males with access to just anything. Parents bolt your coffee creamer and leaf blowers inside the safe you now keep your washing machine in. Everyone else? Not that you should, and we certainly aren't liable if you do, but this is what happens if you light a cloud of coffee creamer on fire or really powdered anything. Here's Dave Grohl doing it for some reason. If your parents have one of those outdoor chimney fireplace type deals and you want to burn not just their house to the ground, but the entire block, or if you live in California or Arizona, which based on your mom's taste in outdoor fireplaces you probably do, here is literally the most irresponsible thing you can do with a fireplace.
Not worth it. No, obviously not worth it. So not worth it.
Let's get back to the Mr. Wizard safe experiments, and by that I mean experiments that are safer than going to the house of your elderly neighbor who asks you to peel a banana from and just sits back with a weird smirk on his face. What a creep, Mr. Wizard. Just saying, make sure there's space between his lap and the banana before starting in on that experiment. Anyway, here's a safe one. You know that scene when Iceman freezes the soda in X2?
Pretty cool, right? Cool looks like with water. Cooler.
Somehow. This one's our award, by the way, for hardest to recreate on purpose, easiest to recreate accidentally once in your life, thus tricking you into thinking you're some sort of ice wizard. That happened to me. If I asked you to guess what the most invincible item in your local Walmart is, you'd probably start in the automotive aisle, since everything in an engine needs to withstand thousands of explosions a second and sustain the team of spirits that make onboard computers communicate with the antifree... I don't know how cars work. Anyways, MythBusters burned clean through an SUV, and the internet did the same to a car engine with a bunch of thermite, which is the chemical you'd get if alien blood made love to a Roman candle and their child had ADHD. Red hot nickel balls burned right through thermite, as well as jawbreakers, watermelons, and peeps in case those were your guesses because you're a stupid person.
The other fun way to test the...vincibility of an object is to super freeze it and try to smash it, which takes care of apples and headphones, which...why were those your guesses? Where do you buy your headphones? You've eaten apples.
Anyways, the only item that remains unbreakable after all three tests is sold in the sporting goods section, and it's not equipment for protecting young athletes, it's actually equipment for shotgunning at young athletes' heads and faces like a golden snitch drunk driving a rocket sled around a sheet of ice. Well, at least they picked the sport where it's acceptable for the athletes to intentionally harm one another. You know, hockey. Sports with not completely indestructible balls aren't constantly calling it a day because the ball broke apart. No balls might make sense, but it would seem irresponsible since if there were some video game apocalypse that made kids bored enough to play pool again, they might throw them at each other. Hockey pucks are designed for kids to not just throw at each other like a couple of pussies, but to fire them at each other using physics. Why do they need to be so hard, Canada?
What sort of lame apocalypse are you guys planning for? Just think, in millions of years when aliens stop on our dying planet to take a piss on their way to Burning Man, the only evidence they'll have that our species ever existed is that the barren landscape will be littered with hockey pucks.
Hey guys, I just found out about a video of a fire tornado created with like 12 box fans from the crew, Too Late, I'm bad at my job. Share that below because I'm too lazy to put it there. And what other videos did I miss? Put them down below in the comments.
Thank you. Is that how you pronounce Cthulhu? Red, hot, nickel, ball. Yeah. Play a little fiddler for old time's sake. Duh. No, no, oh no, sorry, I was just riffing. |
cracked | the_5_most_inappropriate_movie_kisses_ever | Hollywood, it's time to chill out with the kissing. I get that there's nothing more fun than sticking your tongue right in someone's mouth and tasting their gums and squeezing their bum and wiggling your face all about, but you need to understand that it's not always appropriate. Let's give an example. A good place for kissing is on a date. In the bedroom.
During a boring movie, or just to celebrate the magic of being alive, a bad time to kiss is when you're smack dab in the middle of a big group of innocent people dying horribly because of your own mistake. Which works as a great segue into, in case you're one of the five people who didn't go see Jurassic World this summer, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are currently tangling tonsils right at the heart of an attack of terrifying pteranodons. Hundreds of people are dying around them horribly, and I feel that this can't be stressed enough every single one of those deaths is directly their fault. You think it.
Because it was their monumental incompetence that allowed the Indominus Rex to escape. And once the Indominus Rex escaped, it immediately broke into Carnivore Aviary and commanded them to launch a bloody assault. And these murder birds set about their job like they're a bunch of Boy Scouts trying to earn whatever merit badge allows them to quit the Boy Scouts.
My point is, I wish that Bryce Dallas Howard had just gone on OK Cupid or something. If people need to have died for your relationship to work, then you're not justified. You're just kind of a jerk. Did that rhyme? I'm sorry. That was weird. Anyway, speaking of grotesquely inappropriate displays of affection.
Now you might see Cusack and Amanda Pete Mack and think things are on track and get behind that. Because their prob's going to die and are just desperate for one last fleeting moment of warm intimacy before the icy black waters crush their bodies against the metal grating like grapes through a cheese grater. But you're forgetting one thing. Cusack is Pete's ex-husband and she was happily remarried less than 24 hours ago. This is a weird situation for me to be on board with. Especially since... There are so many other people still alive. So you don't need to start f***ing right away out of some misplaced sense of responsibility. Which is the only reason anyone has ever agreed to f*** old John Cusack. This woman's grieving her husband, her father, and most of the earth. And as a med student, she has a lot more to offer than just giving birth. I want to focus on one thing here.
The timer on that nuclear bomb says 156. That's just under two minutes to save the lives of everyone in the city. And for 11 of those seconds, Bruce has the gall or perhaps lacks the acumen to delay his withdrawal by bat-tonguing Catwoman. He almost incinerates the entire city of Gotham.
We're supposed to forgive him cus his gadgets are really cool? This guy's no hero. It's like we said all along. He just likes SNM. He fights for his dong.
Can I have some water? I have like a rhymey taste in my mouth. Jason takes Manhattan, set mostly on a boat, which is a metaphor for how this franchise can't stay afloat. This is a situation where context actually makes it worse, because just a few seconds ago this woman was almost forcibly injected with heroin and then sexually assaulted an alley. The Friday the 13th franchise isn't known for its nuanced exploration of human emotion or portrayals of grief and tragedy, but if any of you guys took tips from picking up girls in this movie, let me just say right now, I am probably too late to help you, because Friday the 13th, Part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan came out 26 years ago and you've all grown up and raised the kind of kids you hang out on men's rights subreddits. But in case there's some time machine action going on here, take this pro tip from a master of tongue whacking.
When a woman opens up about a tragic sudden death of her parents, that is not your inn. I was at school and they told me, Renny, your parents died in a car accident. Nobody is turned on by the deaths of their own family members, aside from perhaps Lois Lane. What, am I out of line? Did we establish anywhere that Lois's family doesn't live in Metropolis? Because if they do, they're totally dead. Even if they live in Teenieville or some other bullsh**t DC Universe town, what about her friends?
Lois and Superman are literally surrounded by dead bodies right now. This may as well be the Mrs. Bathory scene from Hostile 2, because Lois is clearly getting off on all this carnage. While those piles of bricks hide grisly death spasms, Superman's lips give her mini orgasms. My broader insight is that it's a safe bet that slaughter and tights gets Lois all- Hey, thanks for watching our video about the most inappropriate kisses ever.
Please like and subscribe and all the other things I normally say. Find out in the comments what horrible kisses we missed, or why we're wrong for pointing out that these kisses are terrible because they're actually super romantic. Or just whatever, just say whatever. Say whatever pops into your head. |
cracked | martin_short_lowkey_hated_being_on_snl | Martin Short enjoys hosting those SNL gigs. He even kissed Lorne Michaels on the mouth. During his single season as a cast member, Short was borderline miserable. Three shows in, he was writing his resignation letter, even though he managed to stick it out for the full season. In his memoir, Short lays out his list of grievances. After finishing up his legendary run on Second City out in sunny LA, Martin had to move to New York and bear the brutal New York winters. He also said that SCTV ran at a gentle if laborious pace, and scripts were written over weeks or months as opposed to SNL's insane schedule, where there were no multiple takes, no polishing, and no way to get the comedy just right. Short was worn down by the weekly grind of idea, script, rehearse, perform, saying there was no time to recover. And by Short's admission, the season 10 cast just didn't really gel. I mean, it's Martin Short, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer. They all saw themselves as stars of the show. That didn't exactly go over with the holdover cast members Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Mary Gross, Gary Kroger, and Jim Belushi. |
dropout | dinosaur_office_sick_day | DINOSAUR OFFICE! ROAR!
I'm not who you think I am, Maria. I'm... my brother.
Don't listen to him, Maria. He'll only break your heart.
Hey, Craig! Heard you were sick. Do you have a 24-hour stomach bug? There's one going around! Can't talk. Fake sick to see Dinosaur Hospital Finale.
Getting steamy. Gotta go. I should've pushed you into that volcano instead of your brother.
Who says you didn't? GASP! Whaaat? Craig! I'm so worried about you!
Do you have a temperature? Are you staying properly hydrated? Flax soda can come in upset stomach! Eat soup! Keep your legs up!
Hi, Craig. How you feeling? Not good. I should go.
Experiencing flu-like symptoms. Somebody should've gotten a flu shot.
You know what they say. Prevention is the best medicine. Good advice.
Gotta rest. Bye. Wait, real quick.
What? What is the name of the guy that sits next to you? Todd! Oh, Todd. Of course. Huh. I had a question about Todd. But now I can't remember it. What was it about? Oh yeah! Do you know Todd's email address? Ask Todd!
Noooooo! Coming up next, it's The Price is Roar! Now we'll have to figure out how to watch it on the Internet. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_216_Shari_Sebbens_Meyne_Wyatt | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. My name is Clancy Overill, editor of the Batooter Advocate, and I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor at large.
Are you excited to get all that tax fraud over with, Errol? Look, it's not a tax return unless there's a bit of grey area tax fraud. I think one good way to get audited in this country is to present an honest tax return to the federal government. You don't want to give them too much money because what are they going to spend it on? Another submarine, another pay rise for some public servant grub. So look, I think just as long as it's in good spirits, a bit of tax fraud is always welcome in this country. Yeah, and another good way to get audited is to make these admissions on a podcast that's listened to by quite a lot of people in Canberra.
So please be kind to those listening. We love you. Morrison's gone. You guys should be cheerful right now. Your jobs are safe. Leave us alone.
Anyway, I'll get on with the podcast now. As our listeners would be aware by now, this podcast tends to go through running themes during the election.
As we just mentioned, we did something like 15 interviews with different politicians. We had our office rammed with puffer vest staffers. We spoke to a whole lot of people that were involved in the dark arts and federal politics, a whole lot of evil people, soulless people, cold dead eyes. Lots of trade unionists in $700 riding boots. Yep, yep. Trade unionists with jet skis, all the toys, and all the greenies who, at the end of the day, are just as racist as the rest of them. But from there, we kind of moved into rock stars. We had a lot of Muzos coming in. We went straight into the Hoodoo Gurus, Polish Club, and Troy Cassaday last week.
Well, today I'm excited to have the opportunity to mix it up again and interview two people who make a living telling stories on the stage and on the screen. I'm excited for this interview because we don't get many actors or thespians or directors or performers on this podcast, which is a real shame because they play such a very important role in both our culture and discourse.
In fact, some would say that you guys are the real frontline workers. Thank you for joining us today, Shari Sebbins and Maine White. No worries. Thanks for having us.
Hell of an intro. Now, you two have spent the first half of this year touring the kind of critically acclaimed play. Touring, is that the right word for a play? Yeah. We took it to more than one place. In theater, that's touring. That was City of Gold written by you and starring you, Maine, and directed by you, Shari. I'll get into kind of discussing what is required to put on a stage production of that scale in a bit, but I kind of want to talk about the two performers sitting in front of us.
Maine from Kalgoorlie, Shari from Darwin, both graduates of NIDA, or as they call it in Batutah Clown School. I thought that Clown School was the sandstone university in the heart of town. Yeah. In the old city district, Batutah's a polytechnical college that has a clown school there. If your university has any sandstone in it, it's not a university.
It's a fucking country club. That's what it is. Yep. Get out of there, kids, if you're listening. We do want to talk about the pathways, you know.
I'm guessing, to get into this industry, they weren't handing out drama school flyers at Darwin High. No, they were getting Aaron Pedersen to come and do talks to us instead. Yes, no, they weren't.
It was, God, are we asking for my origin story? What kick-started you? Well, if I trace the root of the seed of thespian dreams, it would have been when I was eight years old and Jimmy Chai, who is one of my uncles, not Bloodway, but Respectway, Brand New Day had been touring around Australia and came to Darwin.
And basically, I just saw a bunch of people that looked like my family on stage. It sounded like my family because they were my family, throwing cherry ripes out into the audience.
And I was like, I'm sold, man. And then I started youth theatre classes when I was like 11 because my best friend did it. And at 13, I was like, Mum, I want to be an actor, which is, you know, probably not what an indigenous mother of six wants to hear from her fifth child. But she was actually incredible and was just like, all right, go for it. And how about you, Ryan? I think when I was about nine or 10, like I think I'd always in the back of my mind, I always wanted to be an actor, you know, the weird kid running around the backyard and talking to himself. But then my uncle was like, I want to put him in, my uncle was an actor and he went to WAPA, one of the first indigenous students at WAPA 30 years ago.
He put me in a domestic violence ad. And so I was the young kid that was going, you know, stop it, Dad, stop it. And then baptism of fire. Well, funny enough, he gave me a note while I was performing in the ad and I was like, I don't think my character would do that. So I think I've been a little shit from day one. Yeah, I think I think that from from then on, it kind of was the bug bit me or whatever you say.
Now, Shari, before you became a household name, you were in quite a hit movie. The Sapphires for those listening at home. What was it like to launch straight into the world of international film?
It was mad. I guess it's kind of weird, though, because you start at the top. So everything from there is downhill. It's been a real, you know, equalizing experience. No, it was it was it was insane.
I remember reading the script and just being kind of so enamored with it, taken by it. And it was the first time I'd seen, you know, a fair skinned blackfella, a character that had my kind of identity in that way, not stolen generation, because that's not my story at all. And I can't lay any claim to that.
But yeah, it was it was pretty amazing. And I do remember when we were on the red carpet in Cannes and Deborah Mailman and Chris O'Dowd and Tory Kittles, who's in the film as well, they were like, Oh, my God, this is the craziest red carpet we've ever been on, right? And they were like, right, Shari? And I was like, this is the first red carpet I've ever been on. So it was kind of like, oh, well, whatever I get to do from here on out as a bonus.
Yeah.
That's what people a lot of people sit and I'm probably you too, when you were kids looking at actors, trying to take for you guys did then I'm sure you've learned now. But I feel sorry for actors because everyone, even their mates and family think they're living the life.
But it's pretty grueling, like, I mean, cool, staying in a hotel. Let's not play down how luxurious that is.
Yeah. But let's not play down how old that gets. Yeah, totally.
Especially when you're jet lagged and you're moving around here and you're lonely and you hit the ground with that. I only stopped working at JB Hi-Fi five years ago or four years ago.
So it's, you know, I think being an actor in Australia specifically is quite a balance. But yeah, I mean, it is, it's, you know, your family thinks, I mean, all my nieces and nephews certainly think I'm a millionaire.
I'm not. Ask Ed and Shari for a loan. No, don't.
No, look, I mean, yeah, like, you know, the hotels, all that stuff is great. But it's, I think the tiring thing is constantly grinding at it, whether it's theatre, because you can't live in one unless you sign your life away to a home and away contract. You're really just trying to maintain the gig. So it's, you know, we're very fortunate in that we get to play on both stage and screen, which helps fill out our year quite quickly and heavily. Yeah. It's out of necessity, really, because you've got to go with the workers and, you know, sometimes you have those dry patches and every actor does, that you have to fulfill that, you know, fill that time up in some way or form. And then you realize that you start drifting down another path or creating another avenue for yourself. Because, yeah, really, it's just out of paying the bills, you know, so Shari's gone into directing, I've gone into writing. It's one of those things where, yeah, acting can't just be the one string in your bow, I suppose. I'm going to cast a wider net. Yeah, for sure. More options.
Well, I just want to start, you guys had before City of Gold, the different iterations of it. There was one where you were starring in it, Shari. Yeah, 2019, I played the character of the sister.
Yeah. And then moved into director. But did you work together on Redfern now before that or did you work together before it all? Because I know you've both got Redfern now credits. Yeah. Well, we... Actually, I came here in the South Wales. Yeah. I came here in the South Wales. So we've done, I guess we've done a movie and a TV show together, but we've never done a scene together. But yeah, we were meant to be in the Redfern now episode together in that first season, but then I... That's right. What happened? I couldn't do it or something. Yeah. And then I did the second season. Thank goodness, frankly. Yes.
Because it would have been weird. No, but we did it, actually, our little, I guess our little theater nerd stories, 2010, we did a play together at NIDA. But we didn't actually do any scenes together again. No, again, yeah, we've done... Yeah, we just don't talk to each other when we work together.
It's in our contracts. Now, prior to that, prior to working together, prior to Redfern now, I guess, or maybe even during, I mean, you kind of are a product of another, aside from NIDA, another Australian celebrity factory in the shape of Ramsey Street. Yes. Can you tell us a little bit about that experience? I mean, I'm sure it's the same as a lot of TV shows you work on, but you were the first black man on Neighbors.
Was that like a bigger job than the actual character? Like there's a duty, not a duty, but it's something that's burdened on you. Like you need to carry a bit.
I think there's a certain responsibility when you, because I think at that point they were just about to go into the 30th year of the show while I was there. And so I think they saw it as a big step at the time of having an Aboriginal actor on the show full-time as a main character on the show, because I think originally they did have Justine Saunders and Tony Briggs, but they were all guest roles on the show and, you know, there for a period of time. And then I became the main cast on the show.
But yeah, I think definitely, look, they threw a lot of things at my character because he was gay. He was also, and he had PTSD because he was a veteran in Afghanistan. Oh my God, he was a gay veteran.
Yeah. So, and I ended up burying Susan on the show, so that was my claim to fame on the show. But look, I think more than anything, the other people that had a tradition for the role actually weren't just indigenous actors. So I think they wanted to cast a net, but I really think in the end they wanted an indigenous actor on the show. And I had a great time while I was there and I made a lot of friends and stuff like that. And then, yeah, like I think it's obviously an institution and it's limited in some of its storytelling capability, but it's what you sign up for. So I did my time, as they say, and then they wanted me to stay on for longer, but I had done, like I said, done my time. And then what I want to ask is when did you guys start developing or start working on these other disciplines? You know, the directing and then the writing, or the City of Gold, your first crack at something like this? Yeah, for sure. And another thing that kind of came out of necessity again, because it was, I was going for roles after I'd finished Neighbours, that I, you know, it was the run of the mill Aboriginal angry man thing. And I was kind of over that and I was sick of playing those particular roles and going up for them. And I just started to, you know, put pen to paper and just threw a couple of scenes together and went, hey, this is, you know, to a couple of theatre companies, I went, this is what I'm thinking. And then, you know, they went, well, here's some money, go and write a play. So then City of Gold came out of that kind of thing. And yeah, it's out of knowing that I've always wanted to do that, but you don't know that you want to do something until you do it kind of thing. So I think it came out of that for me. Yeah.
I've just got a big mouth in rehearsal rooms and, you know, the nature of what we do as Aboriginal actors, 90% of the work we do is new Australian work because we don't revisit old texts. We very rarely revisit old texts that aren't black. So it's even more rare to revisit a black play. So yeah, 98% of the work I'd say I do as both of us in theatre is new work.
So you kind of, you know, I spent the first few years in the industry just silent and listening. And then I got an understanding, I guess, of dramaturgy and narrative and structure and stuff like that and started opening my mouth more in rehearsals and development. And it was on Battle of Waterloo at STC that the directors sort of pulled me aside and said, when are you going to start directing? And I said, never, because I shit myself and it terrifies me and it still does. But then Sydney Theatre Company were very, very generous in offering me the Richard Wearett Fellow, which is a program of theirs to support emerging directors.
It's a sort of pathway into the industry, I guess, in the company. Yeah. And it's so really, I've only been doing it two years, but it's been a chaotic two years. It's showing no signs of slowing down, which is awesome.
What drew you both to come to Sydney? Aside from NIDA, I mean, like you're from our nation's prosperous West where they do have a very famous school for actors, musicians. Was there something about coming to Sydney that you wanted to do or like everything else, was it just a means to an end? Well, we actually, we both did the Aboriginal theatre course at WAPO. It's the only mainstream tertiary drama school that offers a certificate in Aboriginal theatre and it's an extremely useful pathway for young Indigenous artists who are thinking about a career in acting or theatre or, you know, screen acting or anything.
I actually think out of the last, I did like a little mental math thing in my head and I think out of the last 13 or 12 Blackfellas to go to NIDA, nine of them went to WAPO first. So it really, it's, you know, it's a little pipeline. Look, I auditioned for WAPO and I'm still waiting to hear whether I got in or not.
They actually never told me and I was such a stubborn head, I didn't pack my bags for Sydney or anything. And then I got a letter from NIDA saying two weeks time and I was like, oh shit, all right. I remember graduating from NIDA and my mum was like, well, are you coming home now? And I was like, I can't, there's nothing happening in Darwin.
So, you know, it's, it is definitely... Sydney's where the work is. Yeah, Sydney's where the work is. The centre of the universe is here. Yeah, for sure.
I kind of want to ask, because you had such similar pathways in, is it a bit like other industries where, you know, you're a bit ahead, Shari, you're a bit ahead of Maine. Is there big raps on this young bloke at WAPO who might be coming to NIDA? Like, did you know about each other? I mean, have you seen each other or worked with them? I mean, yeah, the black grapevine absolutely works that way. I knew that Maine was coming from WAPO because Rick Braford, the head of course, told me. So it was a bit like, you know, you've got this young fella coming over, look after him. You've got to look after each other.
And we were quite lucky actually. There was one year at NIDA when I was there, Miranda Tapsell and Travis Cardona were the year above me. And then the year below me was Maine and Guy Simon and Ben Gratz was in the movement of course. So there was six of us in total, which was kind of unheard of for NIDA to have that many black people in its corridors. So we were pretty fortunate. We had a great year there.
We had each other to count on when it got to you. Two races in me. Yeah. But yeah, no, you do, you know, and we all like, we still do kind of, I think I sent a message just a few weeks ago going like, all right, who's out there? Like, you know, we're always keeping tabs on who's around, who's coming up and who we've got to keep an eye out for. So it's, yeah, it's a supportive industry. My biggest thing is like, let's not become like, let's not do to each other what the white fellas do to each other, which is compete and, you know, tear each other down and apart. And gossip like crazy over a crisp glass of Chardonnay. I'll be heard about you. So do you reckon there is a, I mean, I guess a, an element to being a black actor in Australia where, you know, it's this thing of ours, you know, you've got this kind of network, this kind of a different kind of opportunities, and then you've got this other network operating above or under.
Absolutely. Yep.
We get an audition, you hear about a project, the first thing you do is text the other mob and find out, you know, make sure that they're across it, get them onto their agents. What can you do to get, you know, can your agent help out?
Things like that. I'm sure there's times where we're like, no, this is mine. And then you don't get it.
So this kind of, um, industry within an industry or this community within an industry, did you, when you were putting together city of gold, you'd drawn straight on that man? Yeah, I think there were different actors that I wanted to be a part of the show and, you know, we were lucky enough to get Chari and then my cousin Matt, just nepotism, but he was from Calgary and the play was set in Calgary. I don't think he'd ever gotten a fair shake really. So I kind of was like, I think this is a good actor that needs to be seen kind of thing. So he ended up, you know, coming in and stepping into the role and then, you know, it was about out of, you know, because we were working with Queensland theater company and it's Sydney. So you have to get particular actors from particular states, just the way the industry works and which is a good thing because then you're seeing talent from, you know, so it's not a Sydney kind of, yeah, yeah, for sure. And it can very much become that, you know, and then you're missing out on talent from around the country.
So it's actually a good thing. So yeah.
And I think particularly with that particular play that, you know, we got to work with each other that as we'd said before, you know, we hadn't actually had that opportunity to work with each other on stage together, you know, so yeah, it was a lot of fun and you know, there was a couple of shows that went off the rails. I want to talk about the off nights, everyone's got an off night, it depends, it doesn't matter what you're in. It doesn't matter if it's work or it's family, you know, you go to see, you stay with your family for two weeks. There's one night there. Just as long as it happens in somewhere like Toowoomba. Yeah, I think that was our off night. On our national tour, I walked out into the Jeffrey Rush theater in Toowoomba, I walked out and said, g'day Townsville.
It was the evening of the Melbourne Cup, so we were going out there and there's just these blokes in stripey shirts who are barely keeping it together, eyes rolling around in their heads. With stage, like this is all hands on deck. This isn't like, I know TV's grueling and I know you can be away for months at a time, but you've got the whole team, or at least the template of a team, interchanging a few people state by state.
What is that like? And I also, with a play like this, City of Gold, which kind of first came to the national attention, if you hadn't already seen it in your first iteration, you had a monologue on ABC's Q&A at the height of the Black Lives Matters protests in 2020. Which just from that, I'm not sure how long that goes for, six minutes? Four minutes.
Looking at that, I'm thinking this is such a deeply personal and emotional and heavy thing to deliver to the world. On TV, I mean, it goes viral, which is probably less taxing of you that it just gets to keep playing on the internet rather than doing it every night in different cities. What is it like on the road with such heavy subject matter?
Oh, look, I feel like no matter what, when I came into doing the first season or the second season, I mentally prepared myself six months in advance, just knowing that I have to go, because the play is such a personal play for me, because it's about losing my dad and subject matter, we start talking about Aboriginal deaths in custody and stuff like that. So I think I've always in the back of my head, knowing this is where I have to go. So I have to prepare myself in advance.
But in the end, I think you come to a point where you're playing a role like anything else. And you know, you're a character and sometimes you just got to go there technically, you know, and make sure I got to hit the performance there technically every night. And sometimes that can be a good shield almost. So you're not making sure that you're looking after yourself. And each theatre company that we worked with had a counsellor on board. So in case you needed to chat to someone about that. But I think more than anything, it was pretty tiring because with theatre it is unfortunately overworked, underpaid, but, um, but it's just the nature of the beast a little bit. But in the same token, there's a lot of opportunity in the play where we get to fuck around and, you know, crack some jokes and stuff. So yeah, just so you're, you have a balance there, I suppose. I think there's also a resilience that Blackfellas come in with, you know, living your whole life as a Blackfella in this country, you kind of come in knowing what stories are coming at you. I mean, for me, especially the first time around, it was actually the play that I think I'd done that felt the most truthful to my experience. Maine and I are both members of the DDC, the Dead Dad Club, and he wrote this incredible monologue and it's a, it's a, you know, not a too long a piece, but it was quite, that was quite confronting for me because I was like, oh, this is someone tapping into my grief, not my black grief or my, you know, my black trauma, but actually just my grief as a human. And so it took me a while to kind of work into that and be able to deliver that every night without getting caught up in it.
But also, yeah, like, you know, we're just a bunch of dickheads. We like being idiots before the show goes on and as soon as it finishes. So there, it's almost like I always say with black work, as deep as it is on stage and dark and unsettling or confronting is as mad as it is backstage jokes and the, you know, what you have to do to keep everybody buoyant and alive and get them through the five week run. But also, you know, like Maine, I think you had maybe four scenes off that entire play. Like it's also just a taxing technical piece of theatre for Maine.
Another question I want to ask is you're talking about how what you're doing is telling black stories, black people telling black stories, which I'm sure you've been involved in many productions where that wasn't the case. Still black stories though. King Lear. Or just, you know, white directors, white writers have this great idea, but for whatever reason their great idea keeps going into this experience that they haven't had. And it's based around these characters that they've never met and you know, it's a bit different.
City of Gold is not that, but what I do want to ask is what other stories would you guys like to see? You know, aside from your own and your community and the stories that have been told here, City of Gold is set in Kalgoorlie, a town that doesn't get much cultural representation on the screen. You hear about it a lot during elections, but you don't really get to hear those stories from, so you've got like a rural thing and not just a small town. We love it. Australia loves a good outback thing, but it's like Kalgoorlie is a pretty big town in the scrub. And then we get to hear from, you know, the black voices within that town and surrounds. What else do you think could be told in Australia?
Stories could easily be stories that you have nothing to do with. There is a whole lot of stories not being told.
Yeah. Have you seen like some talent or some, you know, at least archetypes and different yarns that you think could be brought to the fore? Yeah, totally.
I mean, I think, God, you find out a little bit about each city or town or, you know, country in this land and what was the thing I was reading about, you know, the two fellas that got in that canoe and saved, what, 30 people over two days or so. There were 60 people over two days at the Gundagai floods.
Like, you're like, that's a friggin yarn I'd love to see. Like, you know, historically there's so many, but there's also this kind of cool, I think what's really exciting and, you know, you can't help but look to America because it saturates us. But you look overseas and it's like, you know, you get Issa Rae with Insecure or you get Michaela Cole with Chewing Gum or I May Destroy You. You get Childish Gambino, Donald Glover with Atlanta. And it's like, the future of storytelling, when it remains in control of the people who are telling the stories, the community it's representing, that's when it gets exciting, I think. Yeah, and you get some young writers who come through, like, you know, all my friends are racists, you know, Enoch and, you know, and Davey in that show as well. Like, you get some young voices that you show a particular point of view of, like, Aboriginal people that you go, oh, I haven't seen this before and this is fresh and I don't know how to write that story.
I'm glad I'm fucking seeing it, you know. And there are some things where I'm excited by things that I don't know. That's more interesting to me than seeing something that I've seen a million times, you know. And I think that kind of stuff is, I would never be able to do that. So I had more of the fact that I'm getting to see something that I've never seen or I can't write myself. So that's exciting to me.
There's this film that's just been released, which is the all first time in production called Neverland, and it's like a Polynesian Western Sydney crime thriller.
Bit of two hands, bit of like that kind of, a bunch of kids have money that they need, you know, they need to recoup their losses. It's great. And I went and saw it and, you know, they've got all that drill music too. So it's like a bit of a rap musical too.
But then they had this bloke introducing, you know, the night he was Lebanese and he said, I think this is so great for the Polynesian community because, you know, the Lebanese community, we too feel underrepresented in screen. And as he said that all the Lebanese blokes in the crowd yelled, mate, we've got the combination, we've got the combination, one of those things where it's like every single Lebanese Australian has seen the combination and you know, there's probably 10, 20 combinations you could do.
It doesn't always have to be crime as well, mind you. But yeah, there is a thing happening in Australia and we see it in census where actually maybe the surfy dramas aren't really, aren't really representative of the entire nation anymore. Look, I don't think I know any surfers.
You must have ripped abs, Tim.
Is there a, um, a medium that you prefer to tell your stories? And I mean, like you've done, you know, like plays television and big movies, small movies. Is there something that you'd like preferred doing? Oh, whatever pays the most.
Um, no, look, I mean, look, the theater nerd in me will always love theater. I think there's a process that you don't get with stage and with it that you don't get with screen, sorry, television or film, which is like collaborative nature of it. You get four weeks to rehearse on theater, you know, film, you might get maximum one week. You might get to meet an actor before you do a scene with them.
You might get two days. Who knows? I really love that for that reason.
But, you know, there's just something about where film and screen can take you. I think the mediums, each particular have a way of telling a story. In theater, you get to hit the person in the back row and your performance has to be a little bit larger than life. Um, just so everyone's being able to see and identify what's, what you're doing on stage kind of thing. But you also have a little bit more control when you're the actor, because there's no stop, there's no cut. So you're, you're continuously performing. And, you know, if the director, if you don't like the note that the director's giving you, it's like, well, I'm not going to do that. I'll just do it the way I want it. But, um, on film, the scope of which you can tell the story, you can leave location and you can, you can go back and forth. And that kind of thing with film and television is interesting because it has, you have to strike a chord visually. And I think on stage, it's about the word, you know? So in that way, look, I have a lot of fun on the stage because I can be as big as I want to be and as stupid as I want to be. But then on film, you also have a camera there that reads every single movement that an eyebrow twitch is fucking reads.
And he's got an eyebrow this bloke. I saw it in the Archibald. We haven't even gone there. Archibald finalist, Moan White.
But yeah, you know, so like there's those things where it's just a different medium, but it's a different way of storytelling. Um, but yes, film and television pays a lot more.
Yeah.
So, so you look after your soul by doing, you know, some stage and some theater, and if you want a car with airbags, you want a car, but also film television, you get a bigger audience, you know, and you're, you're able to hit people that come and see a Sydney theater production, you know what I mean? And so that's also a thing that, you know, accessibility, I kind of want to talk about that because you guys are, you've got the whole story, you know, the story's accessible, you guys have, and you guys have kind of put yourself in that industry and, uh, put your stories in there and put them out there. Where do you see the breakdown there? Because at the end of the day, you ask any suburban or rural bloke, your age, and this is just for the blokes mostly, but their idea of theater is world wrestling, you know what I mean? And let's say that they have been introduced to some very Shakespearean themes and storylines, but you know, it does miss a lot of the people. And unfortunately it misses a lot of people who need to see your play. I think, look, theater is a very unfortunately elitist kind of way of storytelling because it's not accessible in that it costs a lot of money, unfortunately, and you, you get a lot of people who, um, you know, are older generation and ticket prices are high and some of the theaters aren't very accessible for people living with disability as well. So I feel like a lot of changes need to be made in those areas for theater. I think there's a great reckoning to be had after the last two years about accessibility in the arts.
And, you know, what are we, we, we learned very quickly just how, how easy it is to cast something into somebody's computer screen or lounge room because they cannot get to a building. And I think that's something that's fallen by the wayside. We've forgotten, you know, we dropped that in a minute, uh, once we were all allowed back in.
And it's complex, you know, with black theater because theater is elite, but black theater really started from a place of, you know, the national black theater started by uncle Bob Mazza and, um, Gary Follymob in the seventies, sixties, seventies, sorry, started because they were activists and protesters who realized that politicians weren't turning up to protests. And if we put on a play and invite them to an opening night, their wives will come, then they'll be front row. Cause you know, pollies will have a free ticket and a free drink cause this is an industry. This is a social thing that we need to do.
Absolutely. So yeah, I mean, the roots of it for Aboriginal mob, uh, protests really. Yeah. That's, that's what it remains still, you know, no matter, no matter the story, the very existence of it is political.
But yeah, I think, you know, there's been conversations for decades now about a national black theater body and what that could look like. But I think everyone's kind of going, well, if we have one, then, then all the companies can stop producing black work. And it's like, that's not the answer either. Every company still needs to produce the black work and we actually just need more companies to produce more work because yeah, these kids in Darwin or, you know, in Darwin, a capital city, like they're not getting anything.
So the kids in bloody, you know, Ramming Guinea aren't getting anything, getting even less.
It's tough. I think national theater in, in, in the UK is doing, you know, like they're doing a lot of filming and they've found this kind of niche model vehicle to get their plays to more audiences, which I think is working. And that's probably the next stage for us here in Australia. I reckon.
We've spoken around the story in city of gold and I haven't discussed it too much because I don't know, is this the end of it? I didn't even want to go down that path and kind of spoil the story for those who hadn't seen it.
Have you retired this play? You've just, you've done a Perth and Sydney. I think on the last week I kind of said that this was going to be the last time I was going to do it to sell tickets. Look, that's what John Farnham said that he is the last time I'm releasing Whispering Jack.
Pile in. Um, look, I think the show has been a taxing kind of show and I'll never say never, but it, look, I think if the right zeros are at the end of the check. Now, um, I think, um, turning it into maybe a film or a television show is probably a next step. And it's less taxing. Like, you know, you get to do that one amazing performance and that's it. You don't have to do that every night in every city. Yeah. So I think, um, that's an avenue that it could be going.
Mm-hmm. Streamers, Mm-hmm.
It would bring it to a much wider audience. I mean, it's like, it's quite hard to, as you did say, to get into a theatre.
Yeah. Everyone can watch it at home if they've got, you know, internet and television. Yeah. So I think that's where it could be going down. I keep saying could. For me, the industry, the way it works is like it, it's not done until you're there on premiere or something. You know what I mean? So, um, Especially after COVID, like, especially after COVID, no one's planning anything. Yeah. It's like, oh, we had this cool conversation the other day, but now we're in lockdown for four months because of fucking baby cron or whatever we're talking about. Yeah.
Look, I think that's, um, something that's an exciting way of looking at where they could go. And I think there's a lot of things that you could explore from the play that originally, you know, could recover a lot of things in the show. But City of Gold had been a vehicle for me to be able to show what I can do. And I'd never been given that opportunity before.
So I just made, you know, you forced the door open, I suppose. Yeah. Well, it's a hell of a production and congratulations to both of you. Thank you. I do want to ask now about the blooper reel.
Tell us what nights were the funniest. Uh, when did COVID come into play? What, what, how do you tell us about it? Did any light fall from the roof?
I think in the original show, in the original production in 2019, I think we corpsed a few times. You corpsed? I'm, I, yeah corpsed.
Yeah. So corpsing is... No, that was the Kalgoorlie night. We had all your family. Yeah. We had a, a Griffin, which is, you know, what a 110 seat theatre. Not even. Smaller than, as big as this room. Yeah. And about, God, 20 of them, 13 to 20 of Maine's family were there.
From Kalgoorlie.
So literally every single line, the name of the street, the name of the shop, everything just got the biggest black laugh and response. And the white fellas were probably quietly shitting themselves in the audience. Oh, they were laughing at the black fellas laughing.
Tiny little space.
And yeah, we actually got to the final scene moments before, I guess, you know, one of the most devastating moments in the climactic moments in the play. And I said my line and then Maine just looked at me and then his family started laughing. And then he looked at me and I just went, I went, it's your line. I think we laughed for like a minute. Like it took us about a minute to come up.
And the audience just started pissing themselves. So we're all just on stage just like, biting our lips and, you know, it's... Well, that was leading into the biggest moment in the play. The audience went on the most insane emotional rollercoaster. They like fully opened their heart chakras, everybody was laughing.
And then we absolutely just destroyed them about 45 seconds later. But God, this time, I mean, we were in Perth and we'd arrived in Perth and COVID hadn't happened. So we were suddenly, you know, it was like going into a time space portal. Like literally, you know, these mob just had no idea what was coming at them. And we knew, we were kind of like, we were even hesitant about, do we go? What do we do? And they came in, you know, sort of gripping their hat in their hands like, oh, we're down to 50% capacity. And we were like, yeah.
Yeah. That's life. That's been the last two years for us. And so it kind of took a hit that way.
But you know, we packed up the 50% capacity audiences and actually, oh, God, the biggest glaring COVID was, we actually didn't get to do our final night here in Sydney, because Mane got COVID. I got COVID on the final day. So on the Friday, the second last night, I got called in to rehearse in an actor, one of the white fellas, who's like, got three scenes in the play. So I came in and rehearsed him and then Mane sat there on the couch and went, I'm gonna have COVID tomorrow.
And I was like, don't say it. He was like, Miles just spits in my face for the first 15 minutes of the play. And then I got a message the next morning at 10am.
And you know, one act with three scenes, it took us half a day to rehearse in. Mane is the, you know, entirety of the show just about and we were like, oh, well, have a day off. Have a day off. So the last two shows, actually, we didn't get to do it. It wasn't actually as, I didn't feel as sad about it as it was just like, oh, well, that's it kind of thing. We had a good run.
Yeah. And the audiences are used to it. If they had tickets, they know how the world is now. Yeah.
And yeah, we did have an actor the night before come in last minute. And that was hilarious because he was deer on the headlights because he was so good at the rehearsal. And then he got on stage and he was like, oh shit. And I was like, move over here. He had 20 minutes to learn an entire play. So yeah, that was hilarious.
I guess, you know, because you had to miss your last two shows. That's almost an omen that this thing has to continue in one way or another. City of gold.
Congratulations guys. And thanks for coming in. We'd love to have you back in here to find out what you're working on next. Yeah. Thanks for having us. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_New_Netflix_Doco_Tells_Story_Of_A_48_Year_Old_Englishman_Unable_To_Convey_Emotio_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin. It is the day of the indigenous voice referendum. You may not know that's happening due to the rather concerning media desert that exists in this country as people tune out of commercial news following a grueling pandemic that followed the Black Summer bushfires. A lot of people just don't want to really tune in. They've tuned out.
It should be an interesting result. Polls are saying it'll be a convincing no but then again young people aren't reading the news so I don't know how they're responding to polls. Either way should be interesting. What are you getting up to Effie Bateman? Well I will be flying to Sydney to go see Pendulum which will be pretty exciting.
Nice let's just um just play a little bit of Pendulum. Speaking of the demise of Australian news media this is... They've got that ABC song. Yes yes and this is what this is what could save the ABC. You know if they changed their theme song to something a little bit more like this I think we'd have the youth tuning in. You'd certainly have Effie Bateman the lifestyle editor. Here we go. I'm holding my phone to the microphone so that's why it doesn't sound that good. Wait for the drop. So this will be you. Funner stage. This is how you get the Millennials listening to the news. Anyway before we get stung for copyright by the ABC and Pendulum I'll turn that off.
I reckon that's definitely going to be the song of the night. The song of the night.
Absolutely. Now the first story we're going to talk about this week in the weekly Batuda bulletin is a lengthy one so I'll spare you from this headline Effie Bateman. I'll see if I can get it done in one take. If I can you have to congratulate me. Okay.
It reads like this millennial voter who has to suffer the indignity of listening to her housemates have sex at 32 while she works 12-hour shifts to pay off her heavily re-indexed hex debt and exploitative quarterly rent rises in a manipulated political system that is engineered to serve only one specific generation of entitled baby boomers who transitioned to... Who transitioned from anti-war hippies to conservative wealth hoarders after they bought multiple houses with single incomes on top of also being able to afford overseas holidays Australian-made cars and the luxury of starting their own families while repeatedly voting out any government that tried to tax them fairly or take even the slightest action against climate change is surprisingly not that worried about an Indigenous advisory body that may benefit the lives of people who have suffered the most from this regime. The Liberal Party Don't Know Vote No campaign which is aimed at confusing and frustrating older voters who haven't been able to educate themselves on the upcoming referendum through talkback radio or Sky News does not appear to be working on young people. One of these younger voters, Bella Houseplant, is going to vote yes to an Indigenous voice for no reason other than the fact that it's an opportunity for her to reclaim power from the conservative political class that have robbed her from any form of social or financial mobility. Why shouldn't I vote yes?
She asks. It's not like an Indigenous advisory body is going to cost me as much as Scott Morrison's decision to secretly re-index my HECS debt in his final budget. Personally, I don't think changing the Constitution to include the existence and experiences of Indigenous people would change anything for me. I'm still paying my landlord's entire mortgage repayments just to secure a bed in a five-person sharehouse within a 45 minute commute of my work. Interesting, interesting. Will this be the secret millennial vote that has not been accounted in the polls? Time will tell.
Up next, entertainment news and a new Netflix doco tells the story of a 48 year old Englishman unable to convey emotion with his face. Nearly a billion viewers have tuned in to watch a new Netflix documentary that tells the story of an attractive cockney lad from London's East End who was good at what the English call football and then went on to marry an equally if not more attractive woman who was good at singing. Yes, the number one Netflix documentary sheds light on the lives of these mega famous British sporting and cultural figures providing insights into their careers and relationship. However, the most emphasis is definitely placed on the man whose hobbies include beekeeping, collecting Legos and shopping for luxury items like designer watches. The 48 year old sports star who has a surprisingly captivating way with words has somehow managed to keep viewers glued to their screens for hours without once conveying any form of human emotion with his face. It is not known if the restrictive facial movement is a result of sporting injuries or just old-fashioned cockney stoicism, but it is fascinating to watch a man tell the glorious story of winning a domestic treble and then tell the tragic story of being the most hated man in Britain all while his eyes and lips stay in the exact same squinty Josh Hartnett style pose that was so popular in his youth.
Think I'll watch that tomorrow when I'm hungover. Do it.
Next up a Melbourne man in Sydney gets lost again because life is difficult when it's not presented to you in a perfectly symmetrical grid system. Yes, in an ironic twist of fate a self-described cultured man from Melbourne that considers himself a bit above the rest has found himself hopelessly lost on a trip to the harbour city. Like many Melburners, Isaac Foley, 28, is accustomed to the artificial man-made planned grid system of Melbourne streets. In fact, he takes pride in it for some reason.
I've been to Europe dozens of times. I'm good at navigating new cities, I swear.
The streets here, they're just too confusing. Why all the turns? Why so many hills?
Once at Central Station, things went from bad to worse for Isaac. Leaving the busy train station, Isaac found that his brain simply could not connect the dots when the roads had a bend on them. Paralysed from what he can only describe as utter confusion, Isaac had no other choice but to text his friend that he was lost in a huge blow to his world traveller and urban explorer image.
While Isaac views himself as an eccentric person and a lover of all things alternative, he does admit that Melbourne's grid system is a model of order and symmetry that he can respect. Some cities just aren't created equally. And while it might not be as romantic, a planned city is much easier than an organic city guided by First Nations bush tracks and early settler horse paths.
And lastly, to Health Now, local midwife has baby advice that contradicts everything the other midwife said on a previous shift. A postnatal patient at Royal Batoota Base Hospital has told this masthead that she's received a lot of advice about dealing with her day-old baby from a number of helpful staff. Each midwife that Carmen Frost has spoken to in the past few days has taken time to share their experiences and opinions with her, which is something that the first time mum is very appreciative of. Carmen says that she's noticed that a lot of opinions and pieces of advice, however, do seem to contradict themselves. The midwife overnight last night said you shouldn't feed your baby when he sat upright because it might make him swallow more air. But then the midwife I just saw said I can feed him upright if I want to and there's nothing wrong with it.
Or the one yesterday that said I should get out of bed and walk around more, but then another one said that if walking is still extremely painful, I should just rest up and not force myself. The doctor just shrugged and asked me if I wanted some more tramadol and that I should just get better as time goes on. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Just take it all in and see what works for me.
And that's it from Batoota's weekly bulletin this week. Go out and vote and enjoy your weekend. See you later. Bye. |
cracked | slutty_girls_in_slutty_halloween_costumes_2010_a_tribute | You'll see an Edward from Twilight, the monster of cookies, the old Spike Sky Han Solas and the Wookiees, Daniel Faraday or John Locke, Dancer Cares Away as Fraggle Rock, TMN Turtles, TMN Turtles, TMN Turtles are one thing you'll definitely see, other things you'll definitely see. A Slutty Kurt, a Slutty Spock, a Slutty Nerd, a Slutty John Locke, Slutty Girls in Slutty Costumes. Born it up, a Slutty Big Bird in Slutty Yellow, a Slutty Cookie Monster in a Slutty Elmo, Slutty Girls in Slutty Costumes. Born it up, but they're not Sluts, it's just Halloween which makes it okay. You'll see some TMN Turtles and some Boba Fetts, probably some Smurfs or some Marionettes, Green Man and Zed, Keanu Reeves, Lieutenant Danann, maybe Biebs. And Edward from Twilight, Edward from Twilight, Edward from Twilight is one thing you'll definitely see, other things you'll definitely see. |
cracked | the_truth_behind_every_internet_conspiracy_theory | If you've spent any amount of time on the internet beyond casual Amazon browsing and looking up trivia for the Mummy Returns on the internet movie database, you've probably run across at least one of the seemingly endless swarm of crackpot conspiracy theories being terrifyingly shrieked across the web like burning dolphins in a college library. There's a whole world of people out there who can explain, in excruciating detail, how the government is secretly run by a shadowy organization dating back to the 18th century which may or may not be comprised of shapeshifting space lizards. What does so many people take to the internet to spew gibberish about vast global conspiracies like haunted fire hoses full of paranoid racism?
Easy.
People need monsters. And impossible shadow conspiracies more intricate than the vision board of a Batman villain are just about the only monsters we can believe in anymore. Truth or conspiracies are our new folklore. If Bram Stoker had been born the same year Money Train came out, Dracula would have been about a Hollywood producer named Tim Dracula conspiring to make Jay-Z the Emperor of Space.
Think about it. The only reason vampires, werewolves, ghosts, mummies, and werescorpions ever existed is because people got to the top of the food chain pretty quickly and then didn't have anything else to be afraid of. Yes, werescorpions are totally a thing. But you still have that need to be constantly on guard. It's a survival instinct buried deep in our brains like the lyrics to Kiss from a Rose.
So when we got to the point where there was no obvious things left to be afraid of, we invented monsters. And monsters had a good run. They hung in there for centuries which in retrospect is an inexcusably long period of time. There were grown men in Scandinavia who believed that mountains were just trolls who got cut out in the sunlight until well after cars were invented. The modern world is pretty much stomped out, fanciful monsters.
They're more cool than anything nowadays. They have entire high schools on television, they're nothing but monsters. Werewolves breakdance and are super good at basketball, and vampires drive Volvos to listen to Paramore.
That's not a creature of the night. That's just a responsible consumer. Nobody's really worried about getting eaten by a breakdancing yearbook editor.
So we have to come up with something else. That monster is conspiracy. 9-11 was an inside job.
Obama's birth certificate was Ford's.
One of the most popular conspiracy theories in the world right now is literally about monsters, specifically humanoid reptiles from another galaxy who are secretly controlling every major government on the planet. And the Illuminati, the mother of all conspiracy theories, is a centuries-old organization dedicated to cloak-and-dagger power plays mired in satanic rituals and organized murder. Kind of sounds like stuff monsters do. There's a truth of conspiracy out there for absolutely everything, from disasters to cultural events to whether or not Stevie Wonder is actually blind. Because completely ruining your public existence by tying yourself to an elaborate live for four decades totally helps you sell more records. There's even an elaborate conspiracy alleging that crack.com is part of a DARPA initiative to destroy video games.
Monsters always have a weakness, though. Because at the same time we need something to be scared of, we still need to be in control of it. Vampires, poltergeist, and werewolves are terrifying, but they aren't random. There's always a pattern to their violence. They always have some kind of weakness. Not so with Sandy Hook or 9-11. When we're struck with the real-world horror of mass murder and death by random chance, things which manage to be sour and terrifying all on their own without the help of aliens or boogeymen, we invent complicated conspiracies to control how we feel about them. Because we can't accept random violence.
That's too scary. We need a monster that behaves in a way we can predict and understand, pulling strings that we invent so we can convince ourselves that even the most senseless acts of chaos were things we should have seen coming a mile away. So we invented the faceless they at the root of every disaster. That's our new monster.
They engineer every aspect of our lives, no matter how trivial. But knowing that they're engineering these things and pouring our knowledge out all over the internet so that they know we know is their weakness. And that's how we have control.
Doesn't matter how easy these things are to poke holes in, either. After all, no part of vampire mythology makes any kind of logical sense, but that didn't stop Edward Cullen from pouting his way into our lives.
For example, Loose Change, the infamous internet documentary created by professional dipshit Dylan Avery, cited the incriminating evidence that jet fuel can't burn hot enough to melt steel, even though blacksmiths in the fourth f***ing century seem to have no problem sculpting steel into swords and helmets using charcoal blast furnaces. So it's unclear why the immolating explosion of a 300,000-pound aircraft couldn't possibly burn hot enough to weaken the steel supports in a 1,300-foot building enough to make it collapse under its own weight. That's like saying Jean-Claude Van Damme couldn't throw a foot sweep hard enough to topple the enormous Chinese guy from Bloodsport because his shin bone doesn't have enough density to crack another man's leg.
And truthers claim the Sandy Hook shootings were staged by the government to promote stricter gun control legislation, even though gun control laws have actually loosened in the wake of the tragedy because the NRA is the best lobbying group in the history of the world. Pointing out the obvious holes in these theories just makes the mythology stronger because people plug those holes up with belief. Pure, hardcore, galvanized belief. Dylan Avery was a teenager trying to write a script about a bunch of other teenagers discovering a vast conspiracy behind the September 11th attacks before he even created Loose Change. This isn't insider information, either. He publicly admitted this. In addition to acknowledging that he twisted, misquoted, or straight-up invented most of the information in his video that 9-11 Truth are still, quote, to this day.
Rick Dyer staged an elaborate media hoax back in 2008 claiming he had Bigfoot's remains in a freezer when it turned out all he really had was an old gorilla suit stuffed with rotten deer meat. When he pulled the exact same stunt earlier this year, Bigfoot truthers believed him all over again. Even though literally the only thing on Rick Dyer's resume is dude who professionally makes s*** about Bigfoot.
But people need to believe this stuff. We need to believe that 9-11 was a vast controlled government conspiracy instead of the vast controlled terrorist conspiracy it actually was because that makes our unpreparedness for the tragedy easier to bear.
It's the same reason we grew up checking our rooms for monsters before turning out the lights. That were scorpion hiding under your bed isn't gonna suddenly decide not to crush your skull bone with his powerful foreclaws just because you spotted him.
You just wanted him to know that you knew he was there all along. Now, I know what some of you are thinking.
This whole video was just an excuse to bandy about my crackpot theories about were scorpions, and that's just not true. I never said paramorphs secretly were scorpions. Just saying there's no evidence they aren't. It's just science.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? Lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. Lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. That was about dogs. I want to say, or subscribe to our channel, or share this video, disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | antiques_roadshow_2550 | What do you already know about this magnificent piece? My wife and I can't seem to find anything about it. We've prayed to Google, but so far, nothing.
Well, Blake, this is a very crude musical instrument. We know that it was made somewhere between 1900 and 2120. Let's see if it's still in tune. You push the button and you can add in flourishes either by twisting or gluing, like so. Can you imagine the sound of a 19th century concert of these filling an auditorium? Uh, no. This is a true piece of Canamero Mexicano.
How much is it worth? Well, on today's market, you could get between $50 and $60 billion. How?
Wow, that's it. Among serious collectors on the eBay planet, there's some value, but it's not like owning a guitar hero guitar or anything like that. Yeah, I guess not. It's a beautiful piece. We thank you for bringing it to us. Well, thank you.
We barely covered the gas I used to get here. Well, this picture has been in my family for at least as long as I haven't. I'm already 204.
Yes, what we have here is definitely evidence of an early second millennium presidential election. And now keep in mind that this is a time when people still believed in democracies. Oh my! You know, I didn't realize that monsters ran for political office that early. Yes, the history is spotty, but the Wikipedia scrolls do indicate a predator who meets this description and he lost the election to the first president, Schwarzenegger.
Oh, you're kidding! No! Oh, I would never kid. That's illegal.
Anyway, I think it should be worth about half a zillion dollars. This is definitely a piece of fine history. Oh my! Where'd you get this? Oh, whatever it is. It's been in the family, Google, I don't know, for a five generation. Oh, my word, paperback!
Scholars were called reading pages. Scholars used to study them to learn all sorts of nasty facts before Grand Figure One outlawed them.
I had no idea. The authorities already know. Citizen three, nine, one, seven, three, two. You have a sentence as a prison colony formerly known as Manhattan. Oh no!
But seriously, this is a significant find. We thank you very much for bringing this in so we can destroy it. So from 1750 to 1800, these were a form of currency in what was America's wild, wild west. The holographic ones were worth ten. |
dropout | venmo_ceo_we_re_fun_ch_shorts | Hi America, my name is Rob Schelf and I'm the CEO of Venmo, the simple, fun money app that enables quick and easy payments between friends while providing the full experience of a social media platform. Venmo started out as the dream of two engineering students.
What if you could like a financial transaction? What if you could friend request your landlord? What if you could comment on a work colleague's electricity bill?
This exciting idea was roundly rejected by the vast majority of our user base, who foolishly chose to ignore all the fun, social aspects of Venmo that we worked so hard on. Guys, we're in the middle of a take, can we just lock it up? What's going on? No, I read it correctly, I'm calling them foolish. Because Venmo is fun and you'd have to be stupid to not realize that. It's fun! With Facebook quickly unraveling democracy and Twitter full to bursting with Nazis, why not head over to Venmo and make us the new home of social media?
Post your heart out with the understanding that every post must be accompanied by a financial transaction of some sort. Is that what's messing us up? That you can't just post it has to be accompanied by an exchange of money?
No. No, that rules, that kicks ass. It's the fucking users man, they suck, they suck, they suck, I'm good, I'm good, they suck.
Of course the board knows I'm doing this, what do you think, I'm the CEO of the, oh, is that them on the phone, hi Walter, hello. I can hear you're upset. So what I'm to understand is that once we are extremely profitable, the company has accomplished its objective. You do feel that way.
Well I find that boring. I don't think that's cool, and I think cool is something that is a form of currency as well. Don't yell.
The reason I was brought onto this company is that I understand young people. I know what's hip, I know what's on, I know what's lit, I know what's fleek, that's why I'm here. You're young, you're young, you're an intern, right?
You want sosh? You want sosh mead? You want the sosh mead? Yeah.
Cool, what's your finance app? What do you use for finance?
Square. Square? Square cash?
You're fired. You didn't see it before, but she's very hostile.
With Venmo Platinum, you'll be able to socialize with only the most active Venmo users, celebrities, improv coaches, drug dealers, and with such features as scheduled payments, verification, and actually being able to tell whether or not you're paying the right person, the future of Venmo is more than golden, it's platinum. But you can only get it if you routinely get 20 likes on a post. How hard is that? I'm not asking you to part the fuck Red Sea here, I'm asking for some engaging content that we can license into a franchise of Dwayne the Rock Johnson films. I mean, Facebook is full of Russian bots and 9-11 truthers, Twitter is fucking Pledge Week at the Reichstag, the planets have aligned for Venmo's big day, and we're blowing it because of you. You guys know you can put whatever you want in the comments, right? You don't have to say it's the actual thing that you're paying for. Instead of a cab, right?
Write blowjob. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's comedy, okay? Something is one thing, but through comedy, you just say blowjob, and it's funny.
G**t. What do you mean people are naturally shy and anti-social when they're discussing their personal finances? You sound fucking stupid. You can be in a movie with The Rock. Do you want that? Or do you want to live a stupid life where nothing happens? Could have been you. fuck.
Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real, I'm just a thing on your screen, ha, ha, ha, don't forget me! |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_day_santa_claus_died_ | T'was the morning of Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even- Ah!
Ah! Hm? Hm. That's good. Magus! Ah! Why are you- Oh!
No!
Magus, don't even try it. Who's Magus?
If I was just some wizard, could I do this? Yeah.
That's not even Christmas themed. Please leave. What about this?
Where's Magus? I sent him to- Ah! Magus!
The South Pole! Don't you mean the North Pole? No, you're thinking of Jesus.
Ah! I make a list. I check it once. No. Ah. Okay, how about this? Name any of the reindeer. Okay. There's Rudolph and Adolf.
No. And Dreidel and Spitzer. No, it's not a reindeer. No. It was a bad try. Stapler. No.
Crapler. Crapler?
Venmo. Bad. And Richard. Stop it. Mm-mm.
Am I forgetting one? You want one?
No.
Am I forgetting one? You only got one.
You said beach ball. Did I say beach ball?
You're an idiot. What if I told you something only Kris Kringle would know? How would that even prove?
Old Saint Nick is really into a Japanese art form known as hentai. Wait, you don't even know what I was going to say. Let me finish. Oh, fine. Just hentai. Oh! What do I gotta do to convince you that I'm hentai?
What? What did you say?
What did you say?
No, you're a wizard. Just get out of our house. Why are you still here?
What do you want for Christmas? I'm a little boy.
I don't want any- You want power? No. Fame? No.
These are all things a wizard would offer.
You want a person? What? I can give you a person. Well, we don't want a person. You're his. What? Who is that?
I don't like him. We don't want him.
Where am I? Okay. What's going on?
You don't want him. Oh, God. Wait, wait, wait. Just get him out of here.
All right.
I'll send him away to the North Pole. Here we go. Santa.
What are you saying?
I'm saying Santa. Santa. Santa Claus.
Tentacles. That's weird. I'm saying it wrong. Santa Claus. Banta. What? Panda. Pam?
Santa Claus. No. Santa.
That was it.
Cloud. Okay, Santa. Here's an easy one. What do little kids leave out for you every Christmas Eve? Oh, this is easy.
Baklava. No, it's milk and cookies. No, no, no. It's baklava.
Father Christmas is Greek. What? No. Santa isn't Greek. Yeah, he is. I think he's right. See? What? No, he's not.
Yeah, no. Okay. I guess I'll Google it then. Good. Do it. But I don't think. Oh. You're right.
St. Nicholas was Greek. Oppa! Damn it, Maggius. See?
I told you I'm the real Santa Claus. Oh, shit. I said his full name. You said his own... Santa?
Oh my God.
Fucking Santa. What are you doing? Oh, guys. It's really me, Maggius the wizard. What? We know. What did you do?
Oh, you saw it was him or me. It was him or me. Why was he trying to kill you?
I deleted all of his hentai. Oh my God. He's really dead.
There's no time. They'll be here any minute. Mitch, go close the blinds.
Frank, open this gift. Tell me what's inside. This is just your... A murder weapon and your fingerprints are all over it. What?
We're in this shit now, boys, and it smells a whole lot like Christmas. Oh God.
Do you want to go to health jail? What? Do you know what health jail is like?
No. It's like regular jail, but it's all made of candy. That's not so bad. Poison candy.
What are we going to do? We're going to need a few things. We'll need to cover our tracks.
Yeah. Does anyone have a Swiffer? Oh my God. Okay. I got my mom one for Christmas.
We're going to need to stay strong on the road, but we can't buy our food. We're going to have to make it. We're going to need something like an artisanal bread maker.
Here. Perfect. Okay. It's going to be a long trip and we don't want to get bored. Fred, hand me that PlayStation you got for Mitchell. Okay. You're right.
Seriously eat my sweaty wizard Said beach ball. There's a beach |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_112_Jamie_Soward | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, live from quarantine. In fact we're so quarantined here in the channel country that Errol Parker couldn't make it in today. He's got visitors from overseas, his old man's come back from Hong Kong, fans of the show would know Errol's old man was a Namibian arms dealer who went missing for quite a while after apartheid and he's shown back up with his hat in his hands so Errol's got to deal with that but he's also got to isolate now because we don't know what the situation is like in South Africa and Namibia at the moment so that's where he is.
It's just me this week Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and joining us today for our special, our Project Apollo special, one of the great half backs of the modern era. He's played Origin, he's played for the Roosters, played for Penrith and he played for St George, Illawarra Dragons. Also a little stint in the Super League there, the Northern Broncos, London Broncos. Jamie Soud, thank you for joining us today. Yeah thanks Clancy, I'm pretty excited to be on actually, I mean the footy's been great getting it back but it sounds like Errol might be in a little bit of Barney Rubble over there in South Africa. No no no, he's isolating him down in his big house down in Batooter Grove but he's got to play it safe and we're glad he is.
Everyone's still taking it seriously in Queensland, yeah the borders are I believe opening up in the next couple of days but we're behind the 8 ball and for good reason because you know as you would know Jamie, New South Wales are just dirty people and I mean as a camera boy you know what I'm saying, not as a Blues player. Camera's been described as the arsehole of Australia. Yeah Queensland up there, they've just got two heads but down here we're nice and normal in New South Wales.
Mate how are you liking the quality of football post isolation lockdown? Yeah well I mean without getting too in depth and technical I think we're excited to have the product back and we're excited to have the footy back but there's some teams that have come out of the break a lot better than other teams. There were some really average performances by some teams that needed to win to get their year started so I think the rule changes, Peter Volantis is an absolute god. We've never had Todd Greenberg as a poster, we're on shirts and stuff so Peter Volantis has done amazing. It's great to have the footy back, I think it's just going to be, it's sort of puzzling why we stopped playing really. I think we should have just tried to keep playing and we would have been halfway through or nearly through the comp now. Not many rugby league players have been to Aspen in the last six months anyway so not really high risk unless they've been mucking around in Bali which they seem to do in the off season but you tell us a little bit about that from what you just said there about Volantis it is bizarre to have a sports administrator that has become a cult icon that people trust and love and worship. Is that the first time you've ever seen anything like this? In rugby league yeah a lot of the time the administrators are you know we only hear about them and how much they earn and yeah that kind of stuff from outside a point of view but having worked at the NRL what Peter's been able to do is fantastic. He's really taken the reins and I think he led the horse racing industry through that equine situation a couple of years ago so I just think it's nice to have a strong leader that knows what he wants and is not afraid of putting it out there and going after it and that's why we've been able to get our game back on the field. It's great to have someone who isn't an ex-player in the top job, is that what you'd say? I'm still getting paid by the NRL but yeah look it's like I said I'm happy to have the game back. There's a lot of people look it takes a lot to get everything going you know you talk about whatever we're doing it takes a lot to get it going and I think Peter came in with a strong arm and ruled with an iron fist so that's been everyone stepped in the line and that's why we've been able to get the game on.
Now your last season I guess was 2016, three years out now. What have you been doing with yourself day to day? Because you've been keeping busy.
Yeah so I retired down to 2016 and yeah pretty much sat around on my ass for a couple of months and I didn't have the financial backing of some of those other guys who have the opportunity to sit down and enjoy it but I actually started selling shitters at Harvey Norman and Taps and I had no idea what I was doing but I just enjoyed the convo and then was lucky enough to get into the media and since then I've been working on Channel 9, working with NRL.com, New South Wales rugby league it's been great because I get to watch the footy and pretty much get paid for it now whereas I used to watch the footy all the time and not get paid for it as much but it's funny the media world because you know everyone's doing their own thing everyone's doing podcasts and stuff like that so it's kind of hard to stay relevant as I'm sure you know you guys are cream of the crop you're up there the big time but we had to diversify we had to get out of the print newspaper game that's for sure. That was the best I just sit there and read all the memes I just laugh all the time I mean it's you know in a time where there's some serious stuff going on in the world I think too often we we lose sight of the fact that we can be nice people and we can have a laugh and enjoy things and yeah footy's been a massive part of that yeah since I retired so I've been able to enjoy both sides of it. Now you've always I guess it's a rare talent you've had the ability to call people out a lot of players would shut up you know when especially when you know someone's taken the piss or someone's just you know when players do get kind of piled on a bit and you were always able to to call that out would you ever envisioned yourself as one of those players that the media picked on? Yes I actually went through early on in my career I wanted to be in the media and that the dragons I've probably felt like I'd earned the respect before I was given to me so I was a bit prickly with the media and stuff like that and as I got older you learn how to answer things better and you know not muck around and try and beat around the bush so I've always called it straight down the line it's never a personal attack on anyone you know I remember talking to a reporter Zach Bailey when he came out late and asked if we're gonna win the wooden spoon and I just brushed him because he turned up late so yeah in the media in Australia we don't like wankers we don't like people that are different to everyone else everyone has to be the guy that you have to have a beer with yeah and I didn't care that I wasn't that guy because I've got enough friends so I just called it how I saw it and if people didn't like it they didn't like it but it also made me easy to sleep at night that I you know been true to myself I guess the old Paulini line or Marsha Hines or whatever she was on yeah just be true to yourself but if someone pissed me off I just called him out and you know it wasn't gonna fight them or anything but I just felt like you don't either you don't know me or you don't understand me and we're not friends so you don't have the right to be able to do that and Bo Ryan was one of those guys you know he's in the media and earlier than I was and he called me out and I don't know Bo you know I've met him a couple of times but I haven't sat down and talked to him and he doesn't know anything about me so I just felt like you know if I called it out and people didn't like it then bad luck but I'm happy not being the guy that everyone's to have a beer with yeah well you certainly had the last laugh with Bo Ryan anyway when you posted a photo of you holding a NRL premiership trophy yeah it was nice now what have you got to say speaking of premiership winners not getting the respect they deserve it seems like particularly in nowadays with the online and the clickbait how good do you have to be to shut people up like Latrell Mitchell's an interesting insight into this is that doing your head in or what like he's won two premierships and now he's a sook or a divisive or unfit I mean he could be unfit he's still won two premierships Clancy you're exactly right and just before I answer that question I think the media need the players the players need the media and sometimes we forget that you know if we don't cover the game the players don't get the money and if the players don't give us access we don't get paid so I hope that we realized in COVID-19 that we actually all need each other a little bit more and instead of chasing all the dirt and building up Latrell yes he's probably not as fit as what he should be to play fullback but if I was 22 had two kids earning a million dollars a year and had two premierships played for Australia and played state of origin it's not a bad career at 22 or 23 so mate that's a lifetime it's a lifetime of public speaking right there well that's exactly right but again you know it's people in Australia don't like anything that's different yeah they don't like anyone that talks themselves up in America Latrell Mitchell would be a hero no matter where he went yeah and he'd be he'd be probably criticized because of his fitness and maybe body shape but other than that what a career at 22 23 can't we just sit back in and Marvel at it and and judge him purely on his rugby league you know I watched him the other night on Friday night and I thought that was one of his best games yeah this year and he's only played two other games but he was involved and then but his fitness just died out once he gets his fitness right he has all the makings of being a good fullback but we in the media tend to overanalyze and you know pick everything apart right to the to the nth degree and you know that's not good for anyone especially with Latrell with the as you mentioned I just still can't believe I said my parents the other night this kids won two two premierships before 22 and can't we just enjoy what is Latrell Mitchell yeah you don't need to keep everyone happy you never needed to keep your own happy because you had all your own mates was what was that like I mean you're a camera boy what was it like heading back there you know after you had a few NRL matches under your belt or a few seasons under your belt is that did that always keep you grounded the hometown crowd yes and no I mean I grew up half my life in Wagga so yeah I felt like I surrounded myself with a good bunch of mates that didn't have anything to do with footy yeah and I had my mates at work and footy so being grounded for me was always by older guys you know they'd say you're if I did something wrong or I came out and I acted like a pork chop I was grounded by those guys and they set the tone for yeah and I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes but I'm yeah they really set the tone for who I was going to be as a person and yeah while I was able to still be a little bit of a pest before social media started which was all the fun but nor these got a fair old bash and I was playing for the Dragons backing I 708 but you can't do that anymore so I think being granted yeah that definitely support people that you have and find that balance and if you're gonna make a mistake you make a mistake but yeah having that group around me is always helped me yeah we interviewed Willie and Renee on the same podcast it was quite an excitable podcast we did anyone who was listening might remember that Willie decided to bring an 8-pack of fairy floss flavor G and T's and he finished the entire thing and really let us know what he was thinking about the game but I was saying there's a siege mentality often in rugby league the and that was most definitely the case in like the 2004 kind of dogs-o-war it was play hard and then you know work hard play hard but play hard was also emphasized did you ever see that playing yeah definitely my first interaction with Willie Mason was that an eastern suburbs nightclub and I was think I was 20 at the time and I'd gone out back then I was a 2004 you could go out with 50 bucks and probably still come in with some change you know so I was around a few of the first graders I think Craig wing was there and he introduced me to my he said this is Willie Mason and mice just looked over and said vodka orange he didn't even say hello so I may be in a little bitch that I was that I was drinking with Willie Mason and Craig wing I go up to the bar and spent me eight bucks there and I didn't buy myself a drink because I was too scared I'd have to get him another one the siege mentality yeah it's I think it's it's died out a lot now there's a lot of young guys that care about the their money and their profile and probably other things other than going out and having a beer with the boys the tick-tocks there's less chance to do it now yeah you glad you didn't have to go through the tick-tock era yes it's just like we grew up yeah Renee and and mice yeah they would have grown up pretty similar ages that you you had a beer after every game you had a beer after every game you sat in the sheds and you won together and you lost together and you look forward to going away because you knew that you're gonna be in that that team environment and enjoy what the company of each other whereas now it's they can't do it anymore because people got phones and yeah you can't just be a dickhead down at the pub and have too many beers you know without saying I'm saying oh so you had too many beers all right mate you better get a home now it's like oh he was pissed he was carrying on like an idiot blah blah blah so I think that's changed but back then yeah before social media member at the roosters Ricky Stewart we'd lost and he said yeah we lost to the Tigers actually by about 40 points and the next day he told us to bring our boxing gloves in we're gonna bash the shit out of each other and I thought oh geez like Sticky hates me already but he's gonna hate me even more when he sees that I can't fight you know we're doing the video and we're just about to finish and he says righto we're not going down to Cronulla to bash the shit out of each other we're gonna go to the pub no one's allowed to leave till 12 o'clock and we stayed there and drunk in a circle till 12 o'clock and told each other how much we loved each other and they're some of the best memories but I don't think they can do that anymore I'm sure Ricky you'd want to try that he probably does yeah that's the sort of siege mentality of the teammates and stuff that we're the team environment now you said before like the you know Littrell over over in the States would be an icon I mean there's a great expression that in America people look up at someone living on a big house on the hill and say I want to be like that guy and in Australia we look up at someone up on the hill and say I'm gonna get him I'm gonna get that bike yeah I'm gonna bring him back down right that's totally right it's tall poppy syndrome we we all have to be the nice guy we can't if someone's successful that's why John Bateman's a perfect example Clancy last week about how much money he's worth you're worth as much as someone's willing to pay you yeah if someone comes in and says we want to pay you a million dollars a year oh I shouldn't leave Cambry should be loyal okay well if you give me two hundred thousand worth of loyal you know then I'll stay but you know you get as much as you can that's why there's good contracts and bad contracts and clubs win sometimes because the player outplays that sometimes a player wins but you know how can we ever count another person's money especially in today's environment yeah and how can we judge their life we don't know what's going on when the trail leaves the footy field we we don't know what he's you know growing ups like we can only see and read what we've got but I just yeah sometimes I think it's unfair and I'm in the media sometimes it's unfair that we judge those people so harshly yeah with did you have to make those executive decisions like well I'm being offered to go here but I reckon if I stay one more year here we might you know we might take it with your premiership at St. George you know did you had you calculated that in your signing with their offers or I got sacked from every club I was at or not sacked but I just moved on when I left the roosters actually I went to St. George and Wayne rang me up in the middle of 08 and just said I want you to be my 58 and I pretty much agreed and signed a couple of weeks later for an extension so it depends how much money's on the line if you if you're Latrell Mitchell yes taking 200,000 less to stay at the roosters probably doesn't make sense when you've got a young family and you've won two premierships if you're chasing a premiership and there's only 50,000 in it you may look at trying to stay around and build something special because at the end of the day people in the media want to hear about successful people from their playing career and I was lucky enough to win a premiership with the Dragons I think that gives me some sort of cachet when I talk footy that people can understand and and think well at least he's won a premiership you know and yeah if you haven't played for Australia and New South Wales I think it would be a little bit harder coming out and proving your point so most of the guys that are in the media have been successful either the one or played decorated careers for New South Wales or Australia let's not forget Paul Kent's one match for Parramatta in 1993 now does that you also get currency playing under Wayne Bennett yeah definitely yeah that's everyone's like what was Wayne like and yeah Wayne was I lost my father the morning after my debut so I mean I was lucky enough to have a good stepfather role model who looked after me and stuff but Wayne was like my dad at work pretty much he he knew what buttons to push he knew when to kick me in the ass and he knew when to give me a cuddle and that's why his players love him that's why he has been successful yeah he's won seven premierships he's been in grand finals semi-finals you know pretty regularly so he gets the respect of the players I trust him and that's why makes him so great he's tactically he's you know he's smart and everything that comes with it but you know for a coach to sit up the back of the bus and listen to all the stories from the single guys and all that kind of stuff is and ask questions by the way it's pretty cool is that is that a particular skill set because the game's changed a lot since he started winning premierships at the Broncos he would have seen the rise of Polynesian talent he would have he would have experienced a lot of different cultures and he still managed to maintain a healthy relationship with everyone that played under him do you feel like that's a skill that some some coaches actually take for granted yeah it's you know sometimes people ask me yeah would you ever be a coach how do you go up to a kid that's 20 or 22 with two kids you know I couldn't imagine myself with two kids at 22 and all that kind of stuff that goes on and Wayne just gets all that stuff he knows that it while the team goal is all the same individuals get treated differently and to suited to their behavior so I think that him understanding that and that me and management and down to a T being able to I guess customize that to every player is wise been successful his phone must be busy he did have what hundreds of blocks you just want to keep in touch I think the Wendell used to call him a couple of times yeah in the offseason if we'd be out having a beer so that was always fun but the thing with Wayne is you know I don't call him very often but the times that I've seen him he's straight in you know family it's not always about footy and I think yeah some coaches out there that are all footy footy footy and you've got to be tough and you wouldn't have been able to play 30 years ago and you gotta bash the shit out of this guy and then there's other guys that are like we understand that you're not gonna that's not your go so we just get the best out of you here and then hopefully you do your part for the team and the rest the rest follow have you I mean we've seen recently in recent years we actually now the media is so close and got such a close eye on it we actually do get a closer look at blow-ups between players and coaches which would have once upon a time just been like hearsay in the pubs people be like oh you heard he doesn't get along with so-and-so but you know with Robbie Farrar and and that those kind of scenarios where we actually know he's actively saying it's almost a bit like the last dance you know the way those boys are talking about Jerry Krause you see that with with a few examples in the NRL have you ever seen a scenario where it's toxic where it's not going to work from here yeah well I had Steve Price obviously yeah that relationship was was great when Price was an assistant coach and then I think circumstances changed in 2012 and 13 where yeah he's trying to get this the best out of what's left of this team and get back to where Wayne took us and I like the way that Wayne did things and couldn't understand why we were trying to change things when we were successful the three years before I think that players you know same with Anthony Griffin really like that relationship soured really quickly because I was going through a divorce I was going through some mental stuff off field that wasn't giving my best on field and that was at the back end and then Ivan had been sacked and I really liked Ivan so different philosophies at at different stages throughout your career can certainly butt heads and but now I work with Anthony Griffin and we see the game exactly the same we probably just didn't realize it at the same time that we understood each other so I think coaches and players yeah a lot more now you like you said it would be hearsay but most guys sort it out pretty quickly I don't think there's too many dramas as like the last dance where it's so blatant that Jerry Kraus wasn't even that he was a GM so he was trying to break the team apart from within and create that divide but what people don't realize is it's actually the dressing room if you run the dressing room that's fine you don't even have to see the board members and Jordan ran that so he was able to get the players on side so if you're a minimum wage guy and Jordan comes in and says Jerry Kraus what wanker he's trying to do this I read this blah blah blah instantly the minimum wage guy goes well I'm on minimum wage but I've got to hang out with Jordan the whole time yeah you know I've got a I've got to not be on his side but I'm trying to just stay in the team and I know that Jordan's going to keep me in the team because if he likes me so sometimes that's sort of the key guys in the dressing room if they hold the dressing room they can have all the power did you we I mean you're an NBA nut you're a basketball nut I have a podcast about it you across a lot of the stuff that came up in the in the last dance so you was that eye opening for you as well the best thing about the last dance was we can see what LeBron James is doing now we've been a part of his journey since he came in for the people that are older they didn't get the access to Michael Jordan like we do to LeBron James so it was nice to see what it took inside Jordan's head to be able to create the storyline so that he could be successful to himself because that whole journey was amazing when you look back and I was only young I think I was about 12 or 13 but his journey of what it took just him mentally what it took for him to get someone offside and just go after him like that that's what we wanted to hear I didn't care about the other players to be honest I didn't want to hear from anyone else I just wanted to hear from Jordan and Phil Jackson about what it took their relationship why Jordan was so good what happened you know this girl was worldwide without the internet yeah that's how big he was and yeah sometimes the players I think the players in Australia who watched it in the end especially in the NRL clients have realized that Jordan had 82 games a year couldn't go anywhere without media you had to answer questions every day and still got the job done and still answered them politely and still did all that put on a suit sometimes our media managers and NRL we're like no I can't have this guy can't do this can't do that Jordan's doing it all he was carrying the game by himself at that stage the burnout for the hiatus between his you know three peats was almost inevitable right the way the way they work those guys I mean he doesn't get a moment to himself until one in the morning surely after a match and then all the media then the crowds to the bus on the bus to the hotel where people are waiting for him cheering for him then he gets to a hotel room one in the morning probably sleep so it's six hours and they're on a flight to go play somewhere else you can see how that people burn out under that NRL players burn out yeah NRL players at the end of a long year want to get away and you know we don't have any nowhere near the scrutiny of what Michael Jordan went through they're always on the run that's why yeah a lot of their guys their lifestyle if you follow a guy like James Harden who's in strip clubs the night before he plays and all that kind of stuff they look for anywhere to try and get away where they just can't be bothered and they can go and try and do that and Jordan the image of him sitting in his room thinking this is the only place I can be yeah it's actually quite sad yeah it's actually quite sad that yeah yeah it was it was and everyone says oh but he's earning millions of dollars and it's like yes that's that's great it is honestly great and I'm not comparing myself to him in any way but sometimes if you've played a bad game or you know you maybe you're going well and you go down and you just feel like people are talking to you or like it just gets a little bit I guess overwhelming at times especially if you're playing bad and you're out having a beer because people will say well you haven't be you haven't deserve that beer you're like that's one thing you don't really have to put up with where they you kind of are a level of fame in rugby league where you can get away with going to the pub the players probably aren't paid enough to stay home from the pub you know I mean when you're in when you look at the NBA or the baseball in America you're not rolling the dice on a bender you know when you're getting paid a hundred million dollars a year you stay the hell home but you know we start talking 200 you know 200 grand for a young buck playing at the Knights they might go down for a little bit of a look around in the main street of town you know a bit of a bit of a piss up and then they might go down and have a look at the girls as well yeah and they get one girl offside and then all of a sudden it's made news because we just crave that drama and days of our life shit you know over there in America they just they win the title and they have a day together maybe have dispersed there's no team siege mentality like you're talking about with Renny and Willie there's no week-long mad Monday Tuesday they don't even like the champagne they're spraying on each other they're just like get me out of here I want to go home and have a nap was that an issue you find in the NRL Australian culture particularly where someone just feels like they have the authority to tell you how you've been playing in the TAB of a pub in what townsville or you know wherever the hell you are yeah look I love Twitter I think Twitter is the best social media platform because people could say anywhere anything at any time anywhere in the world and you can have a conversation but yeah old mate that's come up to you and mate what happened last week and you just want to turn around and say mate can you beat it I'm just trying to have a bit of a punt and a beer and relax and he's oh yeah I don't think they should have this guy on the side and this and yeah the rude part of me wants to say mate you've never played before shut up leave me alone then you've got to think about the club he makes a complaint to the club oh he was rude to me but he doesn't tell that how he was giving me playing advice and all that kind of stuff so I enjoy going to a game and listening to people yell out I can't believe we picked this guy and yeah it is what it is it's Australian sport it's world sport really but I think in America clans that they're treated more like heroes and that in Australia we're expected to be role models yes and Australians also yeah be sure the role model thing is a horrible complex Australians have with their sports stars I don't know more so than anywhere else in the world Australians feel entitled to an opinion on something they don't know much about so you know literally for a guy who's never played a match to walk up and tell you where you need to be standing it you know maybe some up some plays you guys could put together or something like that I mean it's bad enough when you hear the stories of Russell Crowe the five-year-old telling you you're a wanker and that you can't kick and you're like mate you're five so you do this you know so I'm a massive basketball nut as you said and I'm right into it and passionate but I'd never ever you know I got a photo with Marcus smart he plays for the Celtics now and I would never walk past him and yell out yo smart Marcus well I'd just be that respectful of it because you know that's his time you know and I was lucky enough to get a photo but I wouldn't be saying mate why don't you do this why don't you do that because that's he's that's his craft that's what he's good at so back to the machine the psycho that was Jordan who do you think that you've played alongside that had a little bit of that in them where they were tormented by their own competitiveness probably like I could sort of consider myself the ultimate competitor where I just have to try and be and that probably was to my detriment at the back end of the years because I couldn't do the things that I used to do and I probably just took it out on the wrong people but Brett Finch was one of those guys I had a lot of pressure whose ultimate competitiveness drove him he knew that everything was going to be on him come Monday the headlines everything and sometimes that was to his detriment as well you know Ricky Stewart I think guys that are in the important positions usually are the best competitors because they understand the ramifications if you do lose or play bad or well that but the best guy I've seen is Jonathan Thurston in terms of competitiveness yeah right I with him in the indigenous all-stars I was gonna say that would have been your only matchup there he's yeah well he it was funny because you know nine it was the first camp with the indigenous all-stars and I got ruined with JT Wayne had organized for me to get in the room with JT because he knew Neil Henry and I was so excited but I was pretty nervous because the first night to piss up so we go in we get into camp and we get on the piss and I woke up about three in the morning and John I was standing over me and said boy brah what are you doing and I sort of looked over and I said I'm sleeping he goes you nude face down on my bed I need I need you to get my first impression the JT was my hairy ass I was horrified he was horrified but yeah he's competitiveness was something that I admired and you know the times that I played against him was always he was always in the frame whether it be scoring a try or saving a try he was always there you were there for the I guess what 2000 and indigenous all-stars you were there for the first one yeah yes I've ruined with him I was lucky enough to get the try at the end there in that first game that was was that the one word yeah yeah he did he did the yeah just it was last minute too because we weren't sure what big deal was gonna do because it was his last game yeah he could have done a number of things he could have done the Robbie Fowler along along the white line there but he was great deal that that set the tone and it's the best week because you get to hear usually we play against these guys and then we preview onto the next but you know those weeks you get to hear about some of our best ever players on their stories and stuff like that and yeah we all felt like we had something in common with any of those camps hmm so where's your family from down river in a way no mom was in Canberra and dad was born in Condobolin so we moved into Wagga when I was 10 and yeah pretty much just stayed there and then went back to camera so right and I had people everyone everyone thinks I'm from Wagga but I tell them I'd rather be from Wagga Bambiems family or from condo yeah right yeah I went there once and it was like it was not a not a good place yeah it's like a Shannon no anyway the opposite I guess of the of the JT character is is the guy that kind of I guess the Rodman right who just stumbled through life and found this thing they were good at so the hella sport boys interviewed Chuck what my about his life in times and there was not one mention of him really really wanting to make it like really wanting to make a rep side or really he basically said I kept playing and people just kept putting me in teams have you seen much of that oh you know what I was talking about the other day it's funny you bring it up I think Jamal Idris was sort of like that but he was so talented at athletics and yeah he pretty much could do anything and he was really he's really really smart actually and some guys I absolutely love rugby league you know I had to work really hard and you know I didn't have the body shape whereas Jamal just had was big and strong and yeah I could do anything so I felt like you know probably he played for Australia I think and played state of origin but he could have been a guy that and just was was happy doing whatever but and that's probably why I retired early because he wasn't really in love with the game and needed that that sort of let loose mentality that Rodman had so I loved playing with Gemma he's a fantastic guy and even though he had his troubles I enjoyed you know the banter and everything that he had and the different point of difference he bought to the dressing room was always interesting I saw a good one from him the other day during all the panic buying he was in the shops on Instagram and he's gone to the shelves and he goes these fellas don't even know and he was grabbing all the Devon this is the true non-perishable even sandwiches with tomato sauce by me if I mean indigenous person or a brother that doesn't like that and doesn't smash a loaf very very very rare be like catching a rare Pokemon yeah he actually pretty you know he finished his career and then went traveling Europe like that says it all really you know just kind of backpacking he's just put on a backpacking I think he got robbed in Vietnam or something like that locked up there yeah yeah Gemma is always interesting you so you did a stint at the Bronco London Broncos in the Super League between st.
George and Penrith and then he went back there again yep so what what is that I loved it yeah first time I loved it I'd signed a four-year deal with Penrith but they were under the belief that if I came across and didn't perform straight away because they had won six in a row if I went straight across and lost that the next four years were gonna be hard for me to get the fans and all that kind of back so but the second time yeah I'd been dropped from first grade of Penrith and just didn't want to play the year in reserve grade felt like I could just go over to England and I was gonna have a couple years over there but I've got over there and didn't enjoy it missed Australia and wanted to get into the media so I try as a sacrifice that probably last year year and a half to be able to come back and try and work in the media but London's a really boring place yeah big Melbourne yeah well the Sun comes out and they they're mad over there they're mad the Sun comes out and their shirts are straight off and I'm like this is every day in Australia this is beautiful how long did you live there at a time though it'll be what six months at a time or both both times were three months right both times in three months so I had the hottest summer in 2013 a hotter summer in ten years and when I went back three later three years later they had the hottest summer again so it was it was gold for me but yeah I didn't I didn't enjoy the second time around footies back on you know you're working in the media and you've got a good eye on things and I guess you're looking a lot closer than most folks in the pub who were your tips this year taking the milk of got it in them yes yep before the season started I had Parramatta, Canberra, Roosters, Storm and Manly as the five teams that I thought could win it and probably narrowed down to Canberra and Parramatta Roosters yeah showed on the weekend that they're a fantastic side they're gonna really adapt to these rules a lot quicker but Canberra raid has been the most impressive team on the weekend because they they have a side now that has a halfback who's a step up from what Aidan Caesar was and they've got the final piece of their puzzle yeah they won that game in Melbourne without John Bateman so they've got a real chip on their shoulder from last year they felt like they probably should have been Premiers last year I think they were the better side for a long time in that grand final we couldn't get it done Parramatta's the interesting one for me Clance because you look at yeah they haven't I think their droughts 84 or 86 the last time they won so they've got a 34 year drought and they've never been this hyped up into preseason into a complete team there's no weaknesses there so they're the team to watch but I actually like Manly I think Manly with your man DCE yet controlling and he's the best half in the game and when he's on Tom Dubois which is usually on if they can stay injury-free I think Manly could be the dark horse the blonde horse blonde horse the hello sport boys will be they'll be either cursing me because I've jinxed them or they'll be loving it special love looks like any mention of Manly anywhere in the media so mate thanks for having a chat with us today all the best in isolation where you live in here in Sydney yeah I've run Heathcote just yeah just paddling water until the house market drops down to pretty much zero where I can just walk in and take a house move back to Bondi I think so this really you asked me what I've been doing in retirement I've been eating and drinking this body isn't built for water it's a land mammal and you know we stand stand on there and I won't be near the water beauty thanks for joining us mate and we'll see around maybe we'll have a beer when when the walls come down too easy thanks for having me I really appreciate your time I want a difference he bought to the dressing room was always interesting I saw a good one from him the other day during all the panic buying he was in the shops on Instagram and he's gone to the shelves and he goes these fellas don't even know and he was grabbing all the Devon this is the true non-perishable tomato sauce by me if I mean indigenous person or a brother that doesn't like that and doesn't smash a loaf very very very rare be like catching a rare Pokemon yeah he actually pretty you know he finished his career and then went traveling Europe like that says it all really you know just kind of backpacking is just put on a back pat I think he got robbed in Vietnam or locked up there yeah yes yeah jammer is always interesting you so you did a stint at the Bronco London Broncos in the Super League between st. George and Penrith and then he went back there again yep so what what is that I loved it yeah first time I loved it I spotted sign before you deal with Penrith but they were under the belief that if I came across and didn't perform straight away because they had won six in a row if I went straight across and lost the next four years were gonna be hard for me to get the fans and all that kind of back so but the second time yeah I'd been dropped from first grade at Penrith and just didn't want to play the year in reserve grade felt like I could just go over to England and I was gonna have a couple years over there but I've got over there and didn't enjoy it missed Australia and wanted to get into the media so I try to sacrifice that for me last year year and a half to be able to come back and try and work in the media but London's a really boring place yeah big Melbourne yeah well the Sun comes out and they they're mad over there they're mad the Sun comes here and their shirts are straight off and this is every day in Australia this is beautiful how long did you live there at a time though it'd be what six months at a time or both both times with three months right both times in three months so I had the hottest summer in 2013 a hotter summer ten years and when I went back three later three years later they had the hottest summer again so it was it was gold for me but yeah I didn't I didn't enjoy the second time around. Footy's back on you know you're working in the media and you've got a good eye on things and I guess you're looking a lot closer than most folks in the pub who were your tips this year do you reckon the milk have got it in them? Yes yep before the season started I had Parramatta, Canberra, Roosters, Storm and Manly as the five teams that I thought could win it and probably narrowed down to Canberra and Parramatta. Roosters showed on the weekend that they're a fantastic side they're gonna really adapt to these rules a lot quicker but Canberra raid has been the most impressive team on the weekend because they they have a side now that has a halfback who's a step up from what Aidan Caesar was and they've got the final piece of their puzzle. They won that game in Melbourne without John Bateman so they've got a real chip on their shoulder from last year they felt like they probably should have been Premiers last year I think they were the better side for a long time in that grand final we couldn't get it done. Parramatta is the interesting one for me Clance because you look at yeah they haven't I think their droughts 84 or 86 the last time they won so they've got a 34 year drought and they've never been this hyped up in the preseason into a complete team there's no weaknesses there so they're the team to watch but I actually like Manly I think Manly with your man DCE controlling and he's the best half in the game and when he's on Tom De Boy which is usually on if they can stay injury-free I think Manly could be the Dark Horse.
The Blonde Horse. Blonde Horse.
The Hello Sport Boys will be they'll be either cursing me because I've jinxed them or they'll be loving it because I've given them the special love. They'll take any mention of Manly anywhere in the media.
Mate thanks for having a chat with us today all the best in isolation where you living you're in Sydney? Yeah over in Heathcote just yeah just paddling water until the house market drops down to pretty much zero where I can just walk in and take a house. Good move Back to Bondi. I don't think so. You asked me what I've been doing in retirement. Mate I've been eating and drinking and calling the footy so this body isn't built for water it's a land mammal and I'll be staying on land I won't be near the water. Oh beauty. Thanks for joining us mate and we'll see you around. Mate we'll have a beer when the walls come down. Too easy thanks for having me I really appreciate your time. |
SaturdayNightLive | 42nd_street_saturday_night_live | Come on, get back after it, you guys. get out there. come on, there's hot dogs in the back. hand those tutus in. hey, don't worry about that, inspector. that's just temporary, huh? excuse me, are you the producer of the Star World Theatre? Uh, no, I'm the fire Marshal. that's the, uh, producer. Gosh, I just can't believe I'm inside a real 42nd Three Street Theatre. it's a dream come true. So what do you do, kid, huh? you straight? gay? animals? I sing. All right, All right, all right. take five. take five. you're not on speed or anything, are you, kid? All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a star in the 42nd Street of today. Oh, just give me a chance, miss. Well, you know, kid, I'm the producer. I can make it all happen for you.
But first, it's time to feed the bear. I didn't just fall off a turnip truck, you know. I mean, I've heard about the casting couch. thanks, but no thanks. Oh, thanks. you mean you're gonna turn down a man that can put you into a live sex act? I guess I'm just old-fashioned. my dreams will just have to wait a little longer. you could have been somebody, kid.
I think these belong to you. Oh, thanks. hey, you're welcome. I'm miles. miles long. And I'm Ruby Sawyer. Glad to know you. glad to know you, too. I just happen to be the star of the show. you're gonna be in it?
I guess not. I guess I'm not right for the part. that's a crock of fudge. you're perfect for the part. Hey, inspector. put me down for 200 tickets to the fireman's mall, will you? Uh, yeah. there's no violations here that I can see. Good God. I'll see you next month. no problem. say hi to the wife, will you? Hey, why don't you give this girl a chance, huh? give her a chance.
Listen, buddy. this happens to be business. when you lay out 75 cents out there, somebody wants to see somebody who knows how to eat the bear. Or feed the bear, whichever you prefer. All right, cut that chin music. we got our sex show here in five minutes.
Who's that? that's Helen Marsh. she's the rector of this program, Ruby. And Miss Marsh, why don't you give this kid a shot? she's got real talent. And I suppose you want to be a star, too, huh, kid? I will be one day, Mrs. Marsh.
Oh? you mean you're ready to work your heart out? to sweat and slave and sacrifice? Yes. But most important, are you ready to feed the bear? You don't know. you're too young to know what you want, kid. listen to me. get back in that Greyhound and go home. get married. have kids. drink too much. take Valium. watch daytime Tv. don't forget all this. New Jersey to have my dreams. damped down by a five-inch stiletto heel by some fancy drag queen. Marsh. hold it, kid. I think you've got something. I think you've got something special, something firm but playa. does the phrase bobbing for tuna mean anything to you?
I think so. put her in the chorus. the chorus. All right, Helen, anything you say. in the chorus, huh? All right, we'll have to.
All right, Miles. don't spend it all in one place, honey. we've got six shows to do tonight. Ruby, this is Monique. she's our star attraction. pleased to meet you. I'm gonna be in the chorus. you call that dancing? she stinks. I'm not going on stage with that pathetic mattress back. hey, be reasonable, Monique. either she goes or I go. I'll be in my dressing room. she's got me over a barrel, kid. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you here. just keep your legs wrapped around that crazy darn dream of yours. because I think it just might work out. I sure hope so. Thanks for believing in me, Mrs. Marsh. Goodbye, Miles. we've been the hottest love team this old street's ever seen. you know that? Oh, my God. Well, she's od'd for the last time. hey, they're getting restless out there. come on, let's get this thing on the road, Helen. Well, there goes the show. a $300 investment right down the toilet. What about Ruby? give her the part. it's a million to one shot, but it just might work. Come here, kid. you've got the star part.
I can't do it, Mrs. Marsh. I'm just too darn scared. Sure, you're scared. it's only natural to be scared.
But just remember one thing. they want to like you. just listen to them. The name of the show. Well, it's sort of an avant-garde extravaganza called Sluts at Sea. it's show time! show time! Get out there, honey! I guess I better get out of costume. All right, Miles, get out there. All right, I'll see you in the love scene, baby. Gosh, I just can't believe it. Little Ruby Sawyer from Newark, New Jersey. Hold it. you're not Ruby Sawyer. you're. you're a lotta. lotta. lotta hoes. Now, listen, Mrs. Hoes. please don't tell me lotta. Okay, lotta. Now, listen, you're going out there with nobody. But you've got to come back. A slut. show Time!
Everybody outside for the animal act! All right, let's get it going! let's get it going! There we go! Line up! All right, ready? knock him down, you guys! knock him down! All right!
Well, Helen, you did it again. there's another star shining on 42nd Street tonight. I don't know. every show I do, I swear it'll be the last.
But when I see that little kid out there feeding those bears, it's all worthwhile. come on, let's go get a fix. All right! Boy, did you see that? did you see that? |
cracked | you_re_using_pull_yourself_up_by_your_bootstraps_wrong | If you've ever said that poor people just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, then hey, you're kind of a jerk, a grumpy jerk, and you're also kind of right, but in a wrong way. Anyone who's ever worn boots with actual straps knows that the whole idea is nonsense, unless you get really creative with your bootstraps. Because it's supposed to be nonsense. The first use of the term seems to be from this whimsical story, though it may have happened differently. Regardless, the phrase used to mean attempting an impossible and stupid task, and was used like this. To try and make money with a wrong accounting system is like trying to lift yourself up by your bootstraps. Other times it meant to think you've done something when you've really done nothing. You have not done anything. You have just lifted yourself up by your bootstraps and are exactly where you started. Of course, trying to convince someone to stop using a phrase because it's rude, unhelpful, and doesn't mean what you think is a bit like pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
Hey, the Cracked podcast is coming to you live June 10th at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater's Sunset. We're gonna have Tom Ryman, Daniel O'Brien, comedian Jamie Loftus, and writer Dave Schilling talking about why all movies were insane behind the scenes. Every single one of them. Go to UCB Sunset's website for tickets, and go have a great day too, man. |
dropout | troopers_mind_trick | Throw up the deflector shields!
And I'm like, what? Because it's really loud when they're attacking us. Yeah, yeah, we're on our spaceship. You've been reading that thing for the last hour, Larry. What is it? Well, uh, let me see. Mine tricks? Who gave you this? Alright, remember that galactic magi we released last week? The old guy who kept snacks in his beer? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, it turns out he teaches this seminar. You went to a galactic magi seminar with a snack beard? Yeah, I did. Bitch, look, I'm telling you, there's something to this. Lift my canteen right now. With your mind, Larry, with your mind.
I don't learn levitation until I'm a silver guardian. Oh, silver guardian, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, sure.
Hey, how much does that cost? This is an ancient religion. Sure. It's been passed down through the millennia. Sure. Okay, this is not about much. How much? 800 credits. Ah. But it includes my very own laser sword. Okay, that's broken.
Look, this guy's incredible. He has total control over the weak-minded. Yeah, I believe that. I'm telling you, rich, galactic magi totally works. Galactic magi totally works.
You will pat yourself on the head? I will pat myself on the head.
Oh, wow. This is huge. Oh. Oh, f**k.
You will let me sleep with your fiance. Dude, what the f**k? You will let me sleep with your fiance?
I was messing with you, obviously! Delana! Rich, I'm sorry. You're right. You're my best man. That was wrong, man. That was a dick move on my part.
Delana's a wonderful woman, and you guys are great together. And I think if I could just spend one night with her...
Stop it! ...for 45 minutes. No! Yes! |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_french_stewart_burt_reynolds_sean_connery_snl | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! Before we begin the Double Jeopardy! round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again, please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy! record with negative $230,000. you think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? you dare go mustache on your grishy hair. What did I just say about ethnic slurs?
From Third Rock From the Sun, French Stewart in second place with negative $17,000. I'm a late plumber, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom. sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14. hey, check out the podium. look at this.
Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson. That's right. Turd Ferguson. it's a funny name. great. let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are potent potables, sharp things, movies that start with the word Jaws, a petite de genet. that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it. Hey, I speak a little French. you're an ass-bite. pardon my French. my name's French. yeah, well, who gives a damn? Moving on. animal sounds, condiments, and finally, your ass or a hole in the ground. Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.
Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for 8,000. that's condiments for 400. This condiment is made from mustard seeds. French Stewart. The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take condiments for 800. that's not the right answer.
Burt Reynolds. that's not my name. Okay, Turd Ferguson.
Yeah, what do you want? you buzzed in. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Yeah, well, that's your opinion.
I hate my job. the answer was mustard. mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board. Yeah, well, why don't you give me. why don't you give me 8-tit for 200? it's not 8-tit. it's a petite.
Never mind. let's just go to Animal Sounds for 600. This is the sound a doggy makes. Mr. Connery. Mool. No. Well, that's the sound your mother made last night. Okay, that's not necessary. Burt Reynolds.
Who is Scooby Doo? No. that was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. he drove around the van and solved mysteries. that is incorrect. No, that's correct. I remember, he had a pal, Scrappy Doo. No.
French Stewart. the sound a dog makes. Um. who is John Cafferty in the Beaver Brown band? Thank you very much. I'll take Animal Sounds for 8-tit.
No. good Lord. we would have accepted Bow Wow or rough. Oh, rough. just the way your mother likes it, Treve. come on, that is way out of line. Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?
Yeah, I found this backstage, oversized hat. it's funny. No, it's not. Sure it is. it's funny. it's funny because it's bigger than a normal hat.
I see that. get back to your podium. take a look at that. Yeah, I see it. go back to your podium. it's not funny.
What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is. You know what?
I tell you what. just write a number. any number. any number and you win. we'll accept any number. any number at all. a one, or a two, Or a three. But how about a four? it's that simple. I know you can do this. let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. you look pretty sure of yourself. think you've got the right answer. Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex. Well, all you had to do was write down a number, and you wrote three. a combination of three and five.
Simply stunning. And you wagered Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless. No, I did not get the answer from anyone else. it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here. that's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds.
Yeah, I don't bother. I didn't write anything. good work.
All right. Finally, Mr. Connery, the category was numbers, and you wrote a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend, V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. let's see what you wagered. suck it, Trebek. that's all the time we have. Good night. get them off me! Thanks for watching. |
ClickHole | progress_this_video_game_stars_a_vietnam_war_veteran_with_severe_ptsd | Hey everyone, welcome back to Next Gen. Today we're going to be exploring a game that confronts some of the darker issues that the men and women of our armed forces encounter. It's called Crash Bandicoot, and it features a protagonist who is battling post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of fighting in the Vietnam War. An unflinchingly honest portrayal of the hardships and demons many of our troops must face after returning from combat, this multi-level adventure game centers around the titular character Crash, a U.S. Army veteran who is desperately fighting to readjust to life as a civilian. Skittish and paranoid, Crash must do his best to navigate a world that doesn't understand him. Loud noises reduce him to tears, and like many veterans lacking adequate mental health care, he struggles with substance abuse, which we see through his crushing addiction to wumpa fruit. The game boldly refuses to sugarcoat the bleak realities of life after war. Crash often finds himself at the edge of deep and treacherous pits, where he can either act on his suicidal tendencies and jump to his death, or choose to move onward and continue to bear the overwhelming burden of his depression. But perhaps the most harrowing aspect of the game is Crash's flashbacks. Though we usually just see Crash wandering shirtlessly outdoors, he is occasionally triggered back to some of the warzone atrocities he witnessed, and he'll suddenly find himself dodging fire from Vietcong submachine guns or taking cover from chemical weapon attacks. These disturbing moments make the plight of PTSD sufferers feel all the more urgent, which shows just how vital this game's message really is.
Yet through all the darkness, we still occasionally see glimmers of hope.
The further you get in the game, the more stable and well-adjusted Crash becomes.
Sometimes he'll even put on a silly tiki mask, proving that, despite having been drafted into a savage war as a teenager and forced to commit unspeakable acts of violence for reasons he didn't understand, he's still a regular person like you or me who likes to goof off every now and then and have a good time.
The game designers behind Crash Bandicoot clearly set out to create a brutally realistic PTSD experience, and their efforts paid off in a profoundly moving way. Countless games have glamorized the violence of war, but very few choose to shed light on its terrible consequences. Hopefully Crash Bandicoot will inspire more game makers to be honest about the psychological trauma that our brave soldiers face. |
dropout | honest_4th_of_july_bbq | Hey, fuck! I'm the first one here, even though I waited in my car for 15 minutes. Hey, guess I'm not gonna have time to poop now. That's gonna screw me up for days.
Speaking of which, I brought a quart of pre-made macaroni salad. You know, the kind nobody likes. Gross. Ooh, it's got a minuscule pieces of carrot in it.
Should I just put it on the table over here, directly in the sun so it can get nice and warm? Perfect. Yeah, just get it out of my face. I also didn't bring utensils, because why would I think of that? Right.
Hey, Zach and I have been fighting the whole way over here and we're still kinda in it. Yeah, it's gonna be awkward for the entire party and don't expect us to do the socially responsible thing and diffuse the situation. It's just not in us, how are ya? But we did bring most of a six-pack of beer from our fridge in a feeble attempt to hide our dysfunction. Thank God, because I am grossly under-prepared for this party. The only thing I brought are illegal Roman candles, I'm a pyromaniac, and I'm gonna foist it on all of you. Hey, that makes me really uncomfortable. Make yourselves at home, grab a seat anywhere, they're all inexplicably wet.
Hey! Hey, guys.
Oh, cool, Cynthia's dressed like a maniac. Yeah, because I use national holidays as an excuse to show more skin.
Hey, Grant, why don't you let me do the grilling so I can avoid conversation for the rest of the party? I'll tell you what, Mike, I think you need a shit job at that, but I can't think of a reason to say no. Okay, who wants to be the first to eat a burger by themselves? I'm only cooking these one at a time, so you'll all take turns eating alone. I'll take it, I don't eat meat, but my convictions pale in comparison to my need to please other people. Yeah, we got the relish soggy buns and an awkward conversation trap over at the table. Whoever comes over here next is going to listen to my childhood memories in excruciating detail. It's not a good story, but you'll have to pretend it is.
I should know that's a trap, but I'm gonna go over there anyway. Well, I'm gonna grab a beer that I didn't bring and hope that whoever brought them met for them to be shared. Anyone else want one? I'll take another because I paid for them. Okay, who wants the next burger when it's ready in 10 minutes, huh? Not me, I'm gonna wait until there are no burgers left and then make a big show about how I'm having a dried out Swiss and mustard sandwich. All while insisting it's what I wanted in the first place. Ooh, should we play werewolf forcing everybody into two plus hours of gameplay?
No.
Great, let's play! Quick reminder, there are eight more hours till the sun goes down and the fireworks start, so buckle up everyone! Oh no! Click here to watch another video, and click here if you want to see what it looked like without a shirt on. Ah, weird that it's the same, isn't it? |
SaturdayNightLive | post_covid_game_show_snl | And now, it's time for your favorite post-covid game show. it's my train for me! with your host, Lisa Sumpkin. Welcome to the game All of us play every day. is my brain okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains, one thing's for sure, we got stupid. before we get started, let's meet our contestants. Derek from Queens, what'd you do before Covid? I was a marketing director for Ibm. And what do you do now? mushrooms. I get it, I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us a fun fact about yourself. good, thank you, how are you? And Victor from New Mexico, how are you feeling today? tired for no reason. terrific, Now, you all know how the game works. every answer is something you definitely knew before Covid. but does your brain still remember it? let's find out.
First question. what is this called? remember? something you use to carry things. bicycle? no, no, might see it in a backyard. farm Bicycle. got a wheel in the front. wheel Monkey. sorry, sorry, we were looking for wheelbarrow. I knew that. you did, you did know that in 2019. now it's just a farm bicycle.
Okay, next question. what day of the week is it? that's easy. Tuesday? No, not even close. What is Thursday? No, and you don't have to phrase it as a question. No, no, I was genuinely asking, what is Thursday? Derek, what day of the week is it? Okay, I remember that yesterday was my birthday. and my best friend texted birthday on a Friday night, dog. what we doing to celebrate?
And I got so anxious I didn't respond and went to sleep before 5 p.m.
So today must be Saturday? Correct. Derek, what month is it? June. Oh, sorry, we would have accepted February, March, April, or May.
But let's put 100 points on the board for Derek. whoever has the most points at the end will have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of, what's the word? the thing you do with the cards. tires. No, no, when the battery's dead, you gotta like. sell the car. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's it. what you do with the cable, with the. wheelbarrow? no. jumpstart, yeah, the stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. damn it, what is wrong with me? you're depressed. no, no, no, no, no, I wasn't really asking.
You've never felt more alone? Stop guessing. you wanna call your therapist, but she blocked your number. how did you know that? you just give off that exact aura.
All right, let's give Derek a hundred more points, which means he's unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. Derek, who is this? Oh, that's easy, that's one of my best friends from college. And what's his name? He was one of my best friends. you said that, but what's his name? I know it's something regular, like Greg or Steve, right? we lived together for three years, man. Ooh, sorry, Derek, the correct answer was Derek. we got the same name? that was our whole thing, man, d1, d2. damn, that's really bad, Man, I'm sorry. we should go get a drink sometime, like, catch up.
Uh-oh, the sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks means we're out of time. let's go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay. Contestants, write down your answers, please. If you had to talk to a person, what's a good way to start? And go. let's see your idea of how to start a conversation. And Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue. Well, there's still one variant I haven't gotten yet. Hey, wow, Jennifer said, let me be inside you now. And Jennifer, who do you imagine saying that to? anyone from strangers to parents. Okay, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. your brain, not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation?
Let's see, heaven must be missing an angel. because when I woke up, there was a glowing figure covering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I'm worried I'm losing my grip on reality. I've given the ghost a name, Blue Bar.
Okay, well, that's very incorrect. your brain is also bad. when you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head. Whoa, mama, okay. Derek, it's down to you. And you wrote, if you set the clock ahead, you don't have to be alive as long. And you know something? you're right, Derek. Oh my God, I won? That's right, you came up with a great way to minimize the time we're awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii, or you can go back to your apartment and stay there. Apartment. they always say apartment. thanks for watching, is my brain okay? if you gotta ask, it's probably not. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_18_04_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Hello, you're listening to the Weekly Petuda News Bulletin, coming to you live from Desert Rock FM Studios in the heart of the Channel Country. My name's Bruce Hitchcock and joining me to bring you all of the biggest stories from the week that was, is Wendell Hussey. Yes, hello and thanks for tuning in today as we wrap up what's been happening around town, around the country and around the world. And it seems like the story of the week so far has been what's happened over in the French capital of Paris.
Yeah that's right Bruce, while the pollies over here have been doing whatever they can to grab a headline, the news cycle has been dominated for the last few days by the fire that engulfed the Notre Dame Cathedral. A short time after the news broke that the fire had ravaged the landmark, it was confirmed that Australia's wanderluses were just as devastated by the news as the Parisians themselves. However, for those who live to travel, there was a silver lining, with a tragic Notre Dame fire providing the perfect excuse to rehash that 2013 Eurotrip photo. One example of the thousands of posts flooding social media this week was a photo with the cathedral barely in shot and the caption just shattered about the news of hashtag Notre Dame. Here's a photo of me outside the cathedral when it wasn't on fire.
And following that devastating news, local unpopular populist Clive Palmer has this week vowed to build a brand new replica Notre Dame cathedral on his Sunshine Coast property. Palmer told us this week that if elected to Parliament, he promises to build a full-size cathedral on his Coolum property. Clive says that it's going to be built alongside his dinosaurs and that the entrance of the cathedral will feature a giant velociraptor with a speaker in its mouth. When asked how this would benefit his former employees at Queensland Nickel who are still owed millions of dollars, Palmer ended the interview walking off to heat up a Hawaiian pizza for breakfast. And one of our top readers, James Edge, texts our editor at Large Earl Parker this week saying that he'd love to see the replica built at Pelican Waters with a replica of the Titanic docked a few hundred metres away from it.
In news from around town now and a popular inner-city Birkenstock shop was set ablaze this week. A group of local farmers called the Farmers Liberation Front has claimed responsibility for the French Quarter arson attack that saw the trendy footwear retailer burnt to the ground. They razed the shop at night, when no one was in the premises of course, as retribution for what the vegans had done to their brothers and sisters around the country over the last few weeks. We tried to interview a few of the ponytails and dreadlocks down in the French Quarter the morning after the event, but were informed that everyone was far too devastated to comment. And in some sad news for the nation, Healthy Harold has been done DUI this week. Very sad story.
An authority on healthy lifestyles as well as being directly responsible for teaching our primary school kids right from wrong, the puppet found himself in a bit of hot water after being waved into a random breath-testing station on Overell Street heading out of Betuda. Unfortunately for the childhood icon, the mouthwash couldn't save him, and he blew nearly three times over the legal limit Sunday morning after a big night out on the town. Now, it's understood that Harold's license has been suspended for 12 months, and the education department is looking into the case to decide whether he needs a bit of time off from the life education truck. In the sporting world now, Bruce and the Israel Folau scandal is still rolling on. With a code-hopping star hoping for the government to intervene, Folau's rude comments about liars, drunkards and thieves has officially forced the government to rule out any support for the outcast player. Despite the fact that they are both adherents to the same Pentecostal denomination, the night watchman said he couldn't officially support the controversial player. Morrison explained that while he personally did side with him on the issue of certain parts of the population going to hell, given the makeup of his party, he simply couldn't get behind the call that liars, drunkards and thieves were also going to burn for eternity in the fiery inferno. Yeah, that's a very tricky situation for the Prime Minister.
Anyway, that's it for the News Bulletin this week. Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussing. |
cracked | the_predator_was_almost_a_spin_kicking_zoidberg_played_by_jean_claude_van_damme_movie_what_ifs | Because of my big legs and karate, I can do the splits. No problem. Ugly motherf- 1987's The Predator was such a massive hit, it launched the career of Jean-Claude Van Damme, even though he wasn't in the movie. More on that later.
But this entire beloved franchise was almost dead on arrival, mainly because its ultra-spooky antagonist almost looked like this. Yeah, that live-action Zoidberg was the original design for the film's scariest alien mercenary, give or take the one in Mac and Main. Anyway, the crew spent months designing and building this human-sized f-ing up it, only for director John McTeerney to realize basically halfway through filming, oh, we're in trouble.
That's like Forrest Gump making it all the way to Viet's frickin' nom before Robert Zemeckis decided he didn't like Tom Hanks' exoskeleton. Sure. Aesthetically speaking, this looked like a scuba-certified goomba straight from Dino Hatton, but at least it was also completely impractical. Their signature monster was supposed to be an intergalactic GI Joe capable of stealthily sneaking around jungles of South America, which is actually where they'd been filming this whole time. Even Arnold claimed, There was no way this hulking contraption was going to convincingly outrun the literal running man. Unless, perhaps, they could find the world's most nimble beefcake to pilot this abomination. And they did. Sort of.
Here's a pre-fame Jean-Claude Van Damme. He had just moved to Hollywood from Belgium, and this was supposed to be the role that would turn him into an international superstar.
But instead, he not only failed to bring the world's saddest red lobster mascot to life, he also embarrassed himself in front of his hero. Arnold stoically clocked full days of wading through freezing, leech-infested waters, but this Belgian nobody kept whining about getting heat-strong.
The poor guy showed up on set with dreams of helicopter kicking the future governator in the face. And maybe claiming the title of baddest-ass Hollywood big boy. Instead, he was ruthlessly gaslit and scapegoated until he quit. See, back in Hollywood, producers promised JCVD that his face and his karate moves would take center stage. The costume would be a quote, tight leotard with half human, half animal makeup on my face. It wasn't until he was already trapped in the jungle that they sprung this badly sunburned droopy McCool on him, and told him that oh yeah, your character's whole thing is that he's invisible.
Van Damme knew he had to get the F out of there, but needed a graceful exit. He claims he quit in solidarity with a stuntman who broke his leg after being forced to perform a dangerous stunt. But that story is unverified. Other stories include a stunt coordinator claiming Jean-Claude spiked his $20,000 predator head like a football, immediately receiving the old, you'll never work in this town again. Another crew member says he was fired for passing out inside his suit one too many times. The best story, though, is probably the exchange visual effects supervisor Joel Heineck claims he witnessed between JCVD and director John McTunan.
These are, according to Heineck, direct quotes. You gotta stop kickboxing. I must do that. That's how we see the predator. Well, you're fired. Kiss my balls!
And that was a wrap on Van Damme. Producers flew in a new beefcake, Kevin Peter Hall, who was a full foot beefier and cobbled together to find a completely redesigned character. They hired special effects wizard Stan Winston who, legend has it, was frantically scrolling new alien designs on an airplane when some guy next to him mentioned he always wanted to see a monster. Did I say some guy? I meant James freaking Cameron. And while his former co-workers made cinema history, Van Damme, top tale, retreated back to Hollywood and watched his newly pinched off career rapidly circle the toilet like a spin kicking turd. He somehow managed to finagle a meeting with a prolific Hollywood producer who was famous for schlocky films about mustaches and karate. And that's when JCVD had an idea. See, the producer he met with hadn't actually seen Predator, but he was stoked when Van Damme told him he'd played the titular villain.
Which is technically true. Surely audiences would be clamoring for more of that kickboxing, leotard wearing an alien. It was that expectation that landed him his role in Bloodsport, which rocketed him to stardom before anybody could check his references. But that's not all.
See, the film was originally conceived as a vehicle for friggin' rocky mumble slurred words contender Balboa. The Rocky movies were 1985's equivalent to the Fast and Furious franchise, and everybody joked Rocky had kicked so much earthly ass, the only way to up the ante would be to have him fight something from space. But Jim and John Thomas, two Hollywood writers, seemingly heard that joke at a cocktail party, chuckled politely, dropped their martini glasses full of cocaine, and raced home to write the damn thing. Their story was called Hunter, which sounds more like a polite five-year-old who always asks his parents permission before he pets a doggy rather than a ruthless alien merc with a dissected crab for a mouth. That script was shopped around and ultimately rewritten as the Carl Weathers vehicle we know and love instead of what I wanted, which is a film about an aging boxer fighting a kickboxing scuba goomba in the world's strangest Cold War allegory. |
dropout | rapping_with_a_split_personality_music_video | And now back to Didn't Make the Cut.
Coming in at number 9 in our countdown is this Nicki Minaj wannabe with a little too much character.
Keep it real, be true to you, just be yourself, do what you do, inner confidence is key.
Do what you do, be true to you, I keep it real, just be yourself now, there's no one else now, I keep it real, 5 foot 9, no 9 to 5, high heels, long legs with a killer vibe, money stack, stack, stack, cash checks arrive, hold me back, back, back, I will survive, make you laugh like he and Peele, but I ball so hard, Shaquille O'Neal, stronger than that man of steel, no kryptonite, I keep it real.
Let's get real, I'm not about fakes, when you get with me, it's all high stakes, Malibu with a view, that's what it takes, get it right every time, don't make mistakes, call me perfect, I am the queen, oh my god it's true, I'm not being mean, you envy me, you see in green, I know you just want to step in my scene, and scene, just kidding not yet, cause I'm gonna keep performing to my very last breath, Romeo, my heart you'll steal till curtain close, I'll keep it real, Malibu cash, I've heard it all before, I don't expect movies such real anymore, let's pump it up, and 3 and 4 now, double time, let's flip some more, do what you do, be true to you, I, I keep it real, just be yourself now, there's no one else now, I keep it real, folklore, that's what they call me, say it to the mirror, Bloody Mary times 3, but how do you think that makes me feel, I want to watch this all thing, keep it real, real, real, up the river, it's real, there's gold by the bucket, heck it's a spiel, like with the yelling, cut the spiel, coming up tonight on deal or no deal, science, rule, for the fool, out of the pool, science of school, here's Johnny, I'm just groggy, when we return he may act like Big Sean, but he doesn't give a duck |
dropout | I_m_Trains | Welcome, travelers, to Tales from the Closet. I'm your host, help. I'm your host, Ally Beardsley.
This show is, I'm really struggling with the candles. Yet again, some more bullshit at the top for people listening to it just on Spotify. I'm currently dropping candles.
Welcome. If you're in the closet, this podcast is for you. If you used to be in the closet, it's also for you. If you have never been in the closet, lucky you.
Yeah, what's that like? What do you think a secret is?
Today we have a very great episode. I'm very excited for all three of our amazing guests.
And if you're listening to this in its podcast form, know that you can subscribe to Dropout to support us. We don't have a Patreon or anything like that, but we do have this streaming online service.
I believe it's like $4, $5 a month? I'm getting a head shake, no. I'm not quite sure which way to take that. It's more or less. Perhaps $5.99? Perhaps $5.99, thank you.
But for you. But for you listening right now, use promo code Blue Apron to unlock a free month. These marketing strategies are slick. That's my favorite part. I've been listening to podcasts and when they seamlessly go, it's like a sex and love podcast and it's like, well, if you gave a blow job too early, it's never too late to sign up for Blue Apron.
What? I'm thinking I might start doing that for companies that haven't asked me to. So we'll see. Maybe that'll come out today. You know what? Enough about Blue Apron. Let's move on to our guests. Who are you and what are you doing here?
No, I'm kidding. Hello, I am Jess. I'm a writer here at College Humor. I'm bi. My pronouns are her and she. Yeah. Yeah, and that's just a little bit about me. I'm Reid Brice. I'm a comedian writer and my pronouns are they and he. Nice. I'm Holland McPhallister. I'm an actor, comedian. My pronouns are he and him and he. I identify as homoromantic asexual.
So if you're looking for a little niche, there's a thing going on. I love it. The more specific we can get. Yeah, that's great. Thank you all for being on the cast today. Usually we kick things off with, yeah, when did you come out of the closet?
What did it look like? How did it feel?
Kick us off, baby. Anyone. I'll start us off.
I can't remember if this was in the Lost episode. I think so.
But I had an interesting coming out story. I kind of sensed and knew that I was attracted to both men and women since I was a kid. And kind of experimented with it a tad in college, but never even thought being bi was a real thing just because of so much stigma that was around it. It's just for attention, which I probably at the time did want some attention too. So I was like, well, maybe that's it. So never romantically pursued anything that maybe I was interested in out of fear and anxiety and guilt and misunderstandings around what I was.
But when I was in Philadelphia, I was in a long relationship with a man that ended. And I had planned on moving out to Los Angeles. And then this woman Kate, who had also been in a very long-term relationship with her ex, they broke up. And she was like, hey, I'm interested in moving to LA too.
And I was like, cool, great. And we started planning the trip out here. And we were going to be roommates. And then as we kind of were planning the trip, I started having romantic feelings, started hooking up, sleeping together. And then it was like, am I ready to live with somebody again?
Then it felt like a huge like, what's happening? I don't even know how to define myself or how to define this or what's going on. And it kind of just took this thing of like, well, let's just kind of each day that you're happy and it's working, just follow that and don't really worry about labeling it so much.
So we drove across the country, boned across the country, got to LA, hadn't told my family. We bought this huge king-sized bed from Ikea. And then my mom came to visit. And it was like trying to find a weird excuse for why we had a king-sized bed, but we're roommates. And then when my mom got home from that trip, she called me and was like, do you and Kate have a special relationship?
And I was like, yeah, we do. We're together. And I think around that point was maybe when we had just first started to say, I love you, too. So it kind of all felt like the right way to go about it coming out.
And my mom was a little shocked. I remember her saying at first, this isn't what I thought for you. I didn't think you'd be with a woman. And it's like, well, a lot of things in life happen that you don't think. So I don't know what to tell you.
That's not how kids work. Yeah, yeah. This isn't The Sims, where you get to control, like, you know. Yeah.
I mean, she was far more, not that she was upset about it, but far more upset about just hearing that I was going to move. She was like, how could you have done this to me? I was like, I don't know, Mom.
So that's my, at least, she was, I guess coming out to friends, too, was interesting as well, because they had, a lot of friends had moved from Philly to here at the same time and knew us one way. So it was like telling them, understanding us as straight before, and then people out here only knowing us as not really even bi, but lesbians together, but identifying as bi. So it was always this weird, like, new people meet me and think I'm a lesbian, and old people see me as straight, but I'm bi. So having to redefine yourself that way, too.
Totally. I loved how you said people would think that you're just doing it for attention. And you're like, maybe at that time, I did want a little attention. It's hard when people say it, because it's like, yeah, I'm a high school student who nobody will have sex with. Yes, I do want attention for sure. But it's just so annoying that what people put on other, like, sexualities other than straight. They're like, oh, you're just doing that because you want love, and affection, and a partner. You know, it's like, yeah, duh.
Or that just every type of sex is for the benefit of a man. Like, oh, well, you must be attracted to a woman because you want this man to watch it and think that it's hot.
Oh, yeah, fully. So much of women having to be like, yeah. Thinking that you're being really performative. Yeah. It's always treated with the gravity of, like, what's the grift here? What's the big idea? Fully realized, actualized human being sounds pretty good. And they're like, huh, we'll see, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, really?
No, I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
You're like, no, it just doesn't include you. They're like, you're playing games with me. Sounds like a scam. Even to this day, yeah, for just walking down the street, holding hands, it's usually a man who will either whistle or think we're both there for his enjoyment or pleasure. And it's like, this has nothing to do with you.
Yeah, absolutely. I once had a man buy my groceries. My partner and I were in. I mean, that wouldn't bother him into that. I mean, of course we took it.
But it was crazy. I was just like, what the fuck? How dare you. My brother is beat up his whole life for being gay. And it's like, OK, this is a nightmare world.
Oh, yeah. I mean, I definitely see where I, at least especially safety wise, am in a different situation than maybe a man who is bi or other people who are different sexual orientations. Because I'm like a white woman with another white woman. And yeah, men are like, oh, well, that's my sex object. Although that article I saw the other day came out two women in London who got beat up. Because they wouldn't kiss. And there have been times when people have spit on me and Kate or it does feel like, oh, yeah, what are you? It does feel like if we're not sexual for their pleasure right in front of them that something might escalate. Good God. So when I read that, I was like, oh, I could see situations where maybe we were close to having something like that.
Or you're followed for a bit or a car is following you for a bit. And you're like, you can put people in a car very easily and drive off.
So my heart goes out to those two women. I hope that they're OK.
Yeah, that was horrible. OK, how did you guys come out? What was your?
Well, I think I had a couple of goes trying to do it before it took. I was about five years old the first time I tried to tell my family I was actually a little boy and they were under the impression I was a little girl. And because they were Southern Baptists, they decided we were going to go ahead and have me keep pretending to be a little girl.
And if you think about it, it's wild. If a story came out that a family was forcing a little cisgender boy to wear his hair long and dress like a girl and go by a name that he didn't like, it would be like the next Sybil movie. Everyone would be like, who are these monsters?
But yeah, I tried to come out. And I think what had happened is I saw a drag queen for the first time on TV or something. This was around the time that RuPaul had supermodel drop as a single and drag became something in the same way that it is right now, really in the zeitgeist. And I was like, oh, you can choose? That's how, as a child, I thought it was. And so I proudly went up to them and was like, just so you know, I'm actually a boy and I'm going to need to have boy clothing.
And they were just like, no, no, no, no. Suppress, suppress, suppress.
Really? Wait, where are you from? Which area? I'm from Riverside County here in California. Oh, yeah, me too. Oh, really? So I'm from Norco, California.
Oh, I'm from Paris. Yeah, I know where Paris is. I hate saying it. I'm from Paris.
And everyone gives me way too much credit. No, no, no. Oh, wee, wee. I don't remember you. This won't mean anything to anyone else.
But it was a big deal that y'all had an in and out because there was a big billboard that was like a 3D burger. So that's how I know Paris. I took so many photos in front of that for Myspace. I'm really into burgers, y'all. That's something that a Myspace teen in Paris, California would be doing.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
And Norco, California, if you don't know, is a very, very red state kind of town here in Blue State, California. And so because we lived in a place where it was like farming community, very conservative.
And I was also with some crazy Southern Baptists and the white ones, so it's not even a fun Southern Baptist church to go to. The music's not good.
Yeah, I just had to like, I was like, all right. Well, I guess this is something I just keep inside of me and maybe I can forget about it.
And then 2016 happened. The election happened.
And just having a nervous breakdown and realizing that there were children, like actual little children who were coming out and being far braver than my cowardly ass was being about it. And so I walked into the place I was working one day and I saw all of these like Post-It notes in the women's room. And they were just like notes like comforting each other. Because this was like the week or so after. Like just filling up the entire bathroom and I just got overwhelmed. And I locked myself in a bathroom stall and I texted my boyfriend at the time, I'm trans.
And it kept autocorrecting to trains. And I just was like, am I not supposed to say this? I'm trains. Oops, trains. Trains.
Because I was crying. I was just getting so frustrated. I was like, maybe I won't do this now.
Yeah, and so I came out to him first and then a few months later. That was like November and then around, I think right after Christmas, I just went ahead and came out to everybody else. And I think I had just recently come out as queer.
And so I was like, oh, that wasn't the whole story. I buried the lead.
Women are actually not necessarily us people I'm interested in, but I think you're all beautiful. Yeah, and I happen to be a dude. Thank you. Wow. So that was your, because I'm really fascinated by this. I had this inkling of like, oh no, I'm only into women. So that forced me to come out. And then gender stuff came afterwards. But imagining being like, no, I'm into men. And then you're like, and also, I am. Right. It's like in some ways, being a little gay boy who was closeted, there were some even advantages because I didn't necessarily have to worry about being bullied for wanting to play with Barbie dolls and being effeminate. Oh my god, yes. Yeah, even as a little boy, they would call me a tomboy, but I was the one who would burst into tears the moment I had to go play with the boys.
Because they wanted to just play. And everyone was like, oh my god, of course not. Yeah, you don't have to do that. Yeah, because at that time, it was still super casual to be homophobic. There was even like a kid's game called, and are you OK with like? Smear the queer.
Yeah. Yes, I knew you were going to say, yeah. And I was always the queer. They knew somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. Oh, yes.
Yeah, and so being attracted to men, I was like a little bit, I was like, maybe I am attracted to women in that vagueness when you're first coming out. And I had to really do some self-crit about that and say like, what am I just trying to explore for the sake of it? And what is actually true to my own experience and my own identity? Do you feel yourself being bi now, bisexual, or mostly interested in men? Funnily enough, it was when I started my medical, physical transition, as we would call it, where the body changes happen more. I actually tried sleeping with a woman for the first time.
And she sat me down and told me very gently, broke it to me, honey, you're gay. You're very gay. You little faggot.
No way.
Yeah, now she and I are like fabulous friends. It's amazing. Oh, my god. I slept with like a couple of women. But yeah, not for me. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my god. Wow, that is so wild. Yeah. I love that. And Holland, you? Oh, my god.
First of all, I love trains. And I would have loved to ride as a train. I wish I'd had that option.
I'm trained. Is that your truth, honey? I went from LA to Boston. Yeah. I just love that. I mean, a lot of men online on the alt, right, like to tell me they're attack helicopters. So you do whatever's right for you. Thank you. I have permission. You know, it's so funny because we're kind of formulating what answer.
And there's so many random parts to this. And the overriding theme is that confusion has followed me my entire life to this day. So my first erotic imagery, first of all, I think I'm your oldest guest you've had.
So thank you. Yeah, well, thank you so much for being on. So a lot of stuff I talk about is from a different time in a different period. Love it, yeah.
So I grew up with Playboy in the house. And you know, now Playboy doesn't even have naked women in it anymore. That's the change. So the whole thing was when your folks left the house was you ran and found the Playboy. Wait, who, just like your parents had it? Or this is like the porn stash? Yeah, my dad subscribed to it. Wow. And it wasn't particularly hidden. Dad was shameless at least about Playboy because it was like considered like a mainstream sort of magazine.
I have pretty forward thinking parents. I mean, let's just say they were the first in our area to have a hot tub in the backyard.
And they had guests. Oh, wow. I'll just leave it there. Massachusetts, Cape Cod. So I was really turned on by women. And it was just, ha, ha, ha. And then I remember, and it's so funny because it was a long time ago, but I remember one day I was flipping through the magazine and I came through the fashion spread. I was like, oh, they look nice too.
And kind of part of my truth is I've always found human beings sexy, male and female, from the waist up. And I've always found the waist down a little problematic.
Wow. I love it. So there was a long period where the hardest part about coming out was that, and I came out as gay. I only learned the word asexual like a year ago, or as a concept, as an option. And I love that this appears on YouTube because YouTube was like my second coming out because it was watching all these millennials. I was like, oh my god, you know, the options now.
Yes. Please listen carefully. The menu has changed. Yes. Yeah.
So at that time when I came out, there is a name that some of your listeners may know, and I don't know if any of you will, Harry Hay.
He's called the father of gay liberation. He started the first gay organization. It was one of the founders of the first gay organization in this country called the Mattachine Society. And I came out to my family as gay when I was, let's see, when I was 18.
I did have a couple of experiences with women. The two things I remember is the woman was, I don't want to be graphic, but oral sex. Can we say oral sex?
Yeah, yeah, of course. You can honestly say whatever you want.
She kept coming up for air and saying, you think this is fun for me? You think I'm enjoying this? So that was my first experience with a woman. What the fuck? Being interrogated about how you're wasting her time?
Oh my god. That's so amazing.
So that wasn't a great first experience. No, I would say not. And then there were others that were equally not so great.
Was she a stand-up comedian?
No. Well, actually, maybe a little bit. Is this thing on? Yeah, exactly. But the real memory I have with trying to have sex with a woman is her saying to me, is me saying, I am relaxed. I am relaxed. Oh, goodness.
Never tell someone to relax when they're in that seat. Oh, no. It doesn't help. Never tell your partner to relax ever. It doesn't work.
I mean, even way beyond the age where people had usually figured out their identity, I was still thinking male, female, animals. There must be another choice. They're just because I didn't quite have a thing for all of them. But here's where I'm not really the poster boy for asexuality either and where I feel not gay enough and not asexual enough.
I do have a libido. And I am attracted to people. It's almost like I'm a bit of a grammar geek. Some verbs take objects and some don't. And for me, sex is like energy. And it's like a verb without an object. So I will be aroused. But it doesn't result in I want to perform what's traditionally thought of. I'm sensuous.
I've tried going to a couple of cuddle parties. To me, that's like an orgy. I had a me too experience at a cuddle party.
So yeah, I am too. So that's kind of not anything. But back to the coming up.
So I'm someone who, that kid who couldn't keep a secret, who had to tell on people, who just had to be the righteous Dudley Do-Right. And I just couldn't keep a secret.
The narc. So I was at, what was that? You were the narc at school. I identify as the narc.
It was like when the kids were burning down a building, I was the one who called. So thankfully, the fire department came. I was probably the one who brought matches.
I was like, hey, you want to see something cool? I remember you. OK.
So there was a whole confluence of things that went on. I think I was 18. Oh, it's interesting remembering because I came out as vegan the next year. And that was probably harder with the family. But I, there's a few things. So going back to Harry, hey, there's a movie that came out in theaters and it was called Word is Out.
Oh, yes. You know it.
So for people who don't, it was just interviews with gay people. Very similar to what you have here. But it was so radical at that time to go to a movie theater and hear gay people talk.
Because what year was this? It was in the 70s. In the 70s. I have to do some math to get the year.
So I saw that movie. And in the movie, it was Harry Hay and his partner John Burnside.
And they were just magical. They were like the old men that everyone wants to grow up to be. No matter what your gender or orientation. They were just wise and open and wonderful. And to skip, I ended up living with them.
That was just amazing. Really? Yes.
But at the time, I saw that movie. It wasn't the pride parade, but they used to have, and maybe they still do, a rally in a little park before the parade.
And I got so riled up, I had to make the phone calls. And I was here in California. Everyone else was back east. So it was, I think, July 4th, Independence Day. And I called everyone. I called everyone.
I was hoping for champagne bottles to be brought out. It wasn't quite that. But again, I come from a great Jewish liberal upbringing. And there was no shunning. I got kind of the words like, well, we're not thrilled about it, but of course, we still love you.
And the aftermath was my mother ended up going to talk to a rabbi. And the rabbi said, well, it sounds like he's fine with it, so maybe you should get some help. Hell yeah, rabbi. Yay, liberal Judaism. What's that like? It's funny, because I now live in the district where there's a lot of Orthodox Jews.
And their view is so different from my upbringing. I look at these people in my mind. I always go, my people, but not my people.
It's kind of that. So it got to such a comfort level. Around that time, my parents moved to Mexico. And they retired there. And I remember we're sitting in this beautiful veranda overlooking. And they had a gay friend. And it was the four of us.
And the gay friend of my parents said, where are you from? And at that time, I was living in New York. I said, Queens. And the guy said, I didn't ask you what you are. I asked you where you're from.
And we all had such a good laugh. And it was that moment where I realized, wow, there's just total comfort with my parents at this point. So they went through their journey. And I went through mine.
But the oddest part is it was tougher for me, because I lived with the identity as gay and always felt like such a failure at it. Probably the least comfortable room for me to be in was one that was all gay men. And I'd say today, it's still not the most comfortable room for me to be in. And an all straight environment is not the most comfortable, a queer environment. And that's mixed male, female, non-binary.
And when you put all of it, that's when I kind of feel at home. I feel the same way when it has a political bent to it versus a party bent. When you go to something and it's like a vodka Red Bull party, and it's like, this is gay, versus when you go to a rally, I feel so much more comfortable there.
Right, exactly. Yeah, like what you said before about walking in and being like, these are my people, but they're not my people. Yeah. I feel that every time I go into the Abbey in West Hollywood. Oh my god.
Someone immediately steals your phone.
I'm like, I'm too working class to be here, honey. I got to get out of here.
For a long time, I thought that that came from not being gay pretty enough, gay pretty. Because I never wanted to say, you know, gay pretty enough. But I later realized, no, it was because it wasn't who I am.
And I think people could sense that. Because there are plenty of people who compensate with humor. No, I don't want to say compensate. That's a bad word. But who are accepted based on other things. I mean, in the gay community, in the Abbey community, let's be specific, looks is a calling card. And then other things can be a calling card. And I didn't really have any of those prized attributes.
Yeah. I feel like in the gay male community, it's so cutting at some times. You know, it can be just so like, you know. It's a lot of sizing each other up. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, it's men. Yeah.
It's the most competitive. And all of them have like daddy issues. So they're ready to fight each other.
Yeah, my brother, just talking about our friend groups and stuff, my brother will just be like, this guy said this weird thing to me about the hat I was wearing. I was already feeling uncomfortable. I feel like almost what was thrown at them by straight men maybe in school, they end up throwing on each other.
This is how you be the dominant male in this situation. Yeah, yeah. That is so interesting. It's so jock. And I'm like, that is who put you down all growing up. And now you're like emulating this like jock look. There's like a gym-themed bar here, like down the street. I'm like, OK, like cool letterman's jack.
I don't know. It's like 10 years too late. Like move on. Right. Stuck in trauma. I don't know.
There can be something kind of liberating and being able to take that hyper-masculinity though and to extract heterosexuality from it and like the end of the vein of like Kenneth Anger films and stuff, like the leather biker scene. And in the leather community, it is a lot, ironically, they're hitting each other with whips. But there's a lot less toxicity to the interaction.
Oh, yeah. I mean, I'll say BDSM is absolutely the most like consent-filled world. And it's so sweet and caring. You have to be because you're going to go so far with it. It's like, oh, cute.
And though it's not my thing, it is good to know that there is vegan leather bondage. Is there really? There's a whole online thing that caters to the vegan.
I love that. That's so sweet.
No animals were harmed in this whip. You will be. You will be, but no animals.
The only pig here is my boyfriend, yeah. One little pig was harmed.
They were a human.
All right, great. Well, we are going to move on to our haunted word, which today is the word spectrum. It's a cable service that you too can sign up for. No, no, just kidding. But please do send me money. Spectrum, Fios. Anyone, honestly, just send me a DM.
Our haunted word is Fios. Our haunted word today is Fios and Threadless.
Yeah, how many more brands can I say? Literally so sorry.
So spectrum, what does that make you feel? And where do you feel on which spectrum? OK, because we're probably talking mostly about gender and sexuality spectrums for this sort of stuff. And yeah, it's endlessly fascinating to me because I feel like gender is a grift.
Is a grift? Is a scam.
And so when I first came out, it was just as non-binary. And my pronouns were just they and them. And I didn't change my name for a good, I think, six months or so.
And it was a really weird experience trying to figure out where you fit on what most people think as just being traditionally two rods and then realizing that there's a whole space in between it and potentially outside of it. And then as far as my sexuality, I was like, oh, I only like maybe men, maybe other masc people. I don't know any other trans men. But if I did, would I be sexually attracted to them?
And so it's taken on me a long time. And I feel like I'm still going to be on that journey for a while because I only came out at 27, 28, and I'm like 32 now. Oh no, I was 29. Yeah, it hasn't been that long. Lying about your age already. Yeah, wow, wow.
So is it a grift in the sense that you are grifting or that you're being grifted? I feel like we all are just being forced to go, like to make these decisions about what is gendered and what performs as a certain gender. But I'm realistic about it. So I say, no matter how I feel on the inside and what I know to be my own truth, I also know there has to be a working truth. I got this brainwave actually from some terrible people.
I won't say their names. We'll say Lem Tamirro. I know him.
And Pear Fight. And Pear Fight is a trans woman who loves to be a lap dog for conservatives and just go on and nod along to whatever garbage they're saying. But she did go on and try to at least fight for her own humanity with this man and said, OK, you say that I am a biological man to you.
And the maitre d says, OK, who are you looking for? Are you going to point to me and say that man over there? No. You're going to say that woman over there.
Because it saves time. It's efficient.
And that's what the working truth is for everybody else. So I also know that there's a working truth for what my identity is. And I can alter that as I go.
But if I'm walking through the world, I'm just seen as a man. And because of my inherent femininity or what we would call an effeminate nature, I'm seen as a hyper-visible gay man most of the time. So yeah, I would say it so influx the spectrum. Even in what I think is the absolute truth about my identity, even if I were to be able to arrive there, the perception of the rest of the world, I don't know how it's affecting how I feel about myself. And I don't know at what point I just have to be practical and be like, I'm just a little gay dude. I'm not a non-binary, homo-romantic person.
Because the average person, you know, Sally in Milwaukee is going to be like, what? Yeah. Always see some kind of fruit. I almost don't want to fuck with that. It would be so nice and pure to be like, I don't care what the world thinks. This is what I look like.
But yeah, there is a level of like, you're kind of at your wit's end when you don't have any visibility in the world. And you're just kind of like misgendered time after time. And you don't feel like you're legible. Yeah, and you don't also want to have the internalized guilt of not constantly sticking up for yourself, especially with strangers.
Impossible.
Yeah, you don't want to be to the supermarket clerk who in no way was trying to offend you by misgendering. You'd be like, how dare you assume my pronouns, ma'am? I happen to be a non-binary individual. Anyone who's at work, I'm like, OK. You know what I mean? Like, surface industry, I'm like, this is not the battle that I want to fight. But hey, it would be nice if some higher up had like a gender training seminar at Taco Bell. Come on, people. I'm misgendered all the time, by the way, especially when people aren't looking at me.
And I even grew a, I had really long hair for a while. And I grew a mustache to help people out.
And it didn't work. I'd still have clothes where clerks say, will that be all, ma'am?
And I'm like, hey, I did this for you. This is for you. I hate this. This is for you.
But they're usually self-correct. It's usually when people weren't directly looking at me. I'm sorry. No, no, no. And I think also realizing that misgendering also does happen to cisgender people, it's always taken with way more gravity and respect. They're always like, oh, I'm so sorry, sir. Yeah.
But that also helped me along with my journey and trying to accept who I am, because there are a lot of cisgender men. My last serious boyfriend before I came out, he was very self-conscious. Sometimes he has a high voice. He would be mistaken for a woman all the time on the phone, all the time. And so those sort of experiences, while uncomfortable, I'm like, OK, well, that really helps me wrap my mind around the fact that I can't have a fixed point of what masculinity is.
I would love to be operating on this plane where I'm kind of like, OK, I'll do things to help people out, but then also have a futuristic thought in mind of, let's start to kind of get this gender binary taken apart in little ways so that there is a future where I don't have to shave my head to be gendered correctly when I don't want that. Maybe I want really long hair and painted nails for that just to be off the table, the gendering of everyone. I think that will just take time, especially with how gendered most of the, especially in English, all of the origins of our languages are romantic, which are heavily gendered. Yes, incredibly gendered.
We have to break our languages. French people are like, the salt is a man. And you're like, oh, great. I'll literally never get understood.
Not my salt.
And back to the spectrum, because you were saying you identify as asexual and romantic. Aromantic? Homoromantic. Bi-romantic curious. What they call, and you said you sometimes have libido.
Do they call it gray ace? I'm trying to. Yeah. The only thing with gray ace, because I've tried to figure it out. There is actually a very complicated word that I meant to bring with me, but I forgot it. That kind of describes me better than gray.
It's something very clinical, like clori-something, clori-rissies. I don't know. It's very complicated. But it is people who are turned on by images and things, but don't.
It was very telling. I did talk therapy for a year, which I loved. It was great. It was mostly about my obsessive compulsive disorder. It wasn't mostly about sexual identity. But we were talking about sexuality, and he was asking me what turned me on or something. And I was describing something, and I was describing others.
And he said, well, where are you in that picture? And that really made me stop. And he said, oh, are you maybe more the voyeur? I mean, no one wants to be called a voyeur. But I thought, yeah, that is true. I am kind of outside it. Well, there's a consensual voyeur. There's absolutely room for that to give yourself that. Well, I mean, I'm not sure I really want to watch real people talk. And I do like certain forms of, so it's somewhere between gray.
I'm definitely not aromantic. I'm definitely not. I get gushy feelings with the right guy. Yeah, because aromantic are the people who don't experience the romantic feelings.
Yes. So as I say, I mean, I'd love to be the poster boy for something, but I'm the poster boy for nothing. I don't think so. I think you are the poster boy here. I'm the poster boy for people who don't know what the heck. But there's an interesting parallel, because I thought, I'm sorry, did I cut you off at all? Oh, not at all.
So we all have running threads in our life, things that just keep coming apart and coming together. And one of mine has always been spirituality and different, we were talking about this earlier. I've been a member of every religion for 10 minutes from pagan to Methodist and things you've never heard of. But right now, I keep getting drawn back to the study of Advaita, which is also known as non-duality.
It kind of doesn't see any permanence to what we are. It sees a permanence. It doesn't see us separate from God's stuff and that there is no there there for you.
And when you think about it, are you your thoughts? Well, your thoughts change all the time. Are you your feelings? Well, which feelings? The ones you had this morning or yesterday?
So this is kind of the thing. When I think of spectrum, I think of labels. I mean, the number one use of labels is marketing.
If we can't label you, we can't sell you something. We don't know your demographic.
So that's one. But it also can add a prism or a paradigm to view yourself in the game. If you see this as an illusion or as a game, well, we're playing it. We're here. We've got four markers on the board right here. So in that game, what helps you?
And I think part of labels are when you name something, you have a different relationship to it. It's the same with animals. People have a different relationship to an animal with a name to an animal that doesn't have a name.
And I think when you have a name for what you think you are at any given moment, it does give you a certain sense of belonging and a certain sense of, ah, that's what I am. I mean, that's why people take these like, I'm a Hufflepuff quiz. We're all really, there is comfort in a label. It's wanting to belong and wanting to feel part of it. And at the same time, though, it can make people frightened to accept that label too because it can feel very limiting.
Can I live up to it? Yeah. Especially in queer communities, it can get very much like, are you doing this correctly?
So you should wear the label. The label shouldn't wear you.
That's it. You should use it and feel free to change it on a daily basis. What are you today? That's, you know, when I do, I mean, that was really kind of my thing about coming on here, is like, what am I going to be tomorrow?
Yeah. Totally. Yeah.
There was a woman who I think was a producer or something on something that we did. And I guess she would write her pronouns on the whiteboard each day of how she was feeling.
Oh, that's great. And I like that fluidity. And I especially like that happening in the context of a film crew, which is just kind of like people who are like, I don't know.
Just give me one. You know, like, I need a call at you from across the room.
Maybe I haven't seen the whiteboard today.
But it was just kind of like mischievous. I had a frightening, inappropriate moment where I was talking in front of a woman and her child, a very, very dear friend. And the child identifies as non-binary. And I began to say to my friend, your daughter, and I realized that was incorrect. And I froze. I was just like, I don't know what to say. I mean, it was like the worst moment in my life. And they were like, child, child, your child.
Would I do it? Gosh, I would love something. Because when I think about having kids, I'm like, will they call me parent? My brother calls me his sibling. And I'm like, these feel so clinical and weird. I want something cuter than that.
Let me tell you what my mother said. Because my mom was just great. She passed away a couple of years ago. We talked on the phone every single day.
And when I was coming to this thing about asexuality and developing a routine about it, she was completely baffled by it. And I was still baffled by it.
And she said, how about I just call you Holland? I mean, how about we just use that? So your kids can call you Ally?
Yeah, that's great. That's problem solved. That's how they do it in a lot of Europe.
I remember when I first met my girlfriend, she called her parents by their first names. And I was like, oh, you grew up in a cold household. And I was like, no, that's what people do.
Oh, they can call you Mummy Dearest. You must call me Mummy Dearest.
All right, we're going to hop into arguably my favorite part of every show, which are questions from viewers. Sometimes they write their name and their pronouns so that we know what to use in this answer. Sometimes they are anonymous, and I understand.
Sincerely, Lindy they them. I would imagine this is a question for you all. And you're our expert here. You're our poster boy.
Human touch is so vital, and it really is necessary. And I feel a lack of it right now. I did something before my bad experience with the cuddle thing. It was another group that no longer exists.
And they were great because it was very orchestrated and very well facilitated. And at the end of that evening, I felt it was basically a gay thing, but it was sensual touch. And it was amazing because I felt you really felt the glow that you associate with sex at the end of the evening. I mean, I really had no idea that you could feel that to that level.
So there's two suggestions I would have. One is really weird, but I did this for years. My body no longer really, it's not really comfortable for me to do anymore.
But I did gay square dancing for years. And I even at the yearly conventions used to do the nude gay square dancing.
I love this. That was called the midnight tip.
At any rate, square dancing is amazing, or any kind of folk dancing, because you are holding hands and you're interacting, and it's completely non-sexual. And people come as partners, but usually in any kind of folk dancing, or reels, or square dancing, you're rotating. Totally. And especially, there is a non-gender specific folk dance groups.
I mean, I don't know where our guy is going to say our caller, but our writer is from. But I would do that one. There is a cuddle site. I think it's problematic for men because most men who are not on the asexual spectrum, many times it devolves, or they are looking. And I had one experience that wasn't negative with that, which was a one on one. We're really haunted. It's not just the word.
So I would say check out. There's a site. Can I say the name of the site? Yeah, please. It's Cuddle Comfort. Great. And I'm not sure if it's .org.
And this was not the bad experience. This was not the bad experience.
That was a group thing. That was like a cuddle party kind of thing. But Cuddle Comfort is matching one on one.
It's just like a site for people to meet. And if you really don't want it sexual, I would go for a partner that doesn't match your, maybe if it's a straight, you know what I'm saying, match in a way that you wouldn't be sexually interesting to them. Because a lot of people will say their identity, identify as straight, but they'll see male or female. Also, if you're in LA, there is, I haven't been, but I'm looking forward to it. It seems a little, it doesn't seem like, well, no, I know someone who's involved with it, so I'm sure it's queer friendly, but it doesn't seem like a particularly queer space. But I'm very interested in checking out, and that's called Cuddle Sanctuary. So I would do anything that is non-sexual, that's dance, that involves holding hands. And if you want a little bit closer, look for Cuddle Opportunities.
Yes, I've been hearing about these so much. Oh, there's also a book. Is it Vitamin T? No. Oh, OK. Vitamin T is all about touch and its effect on your body. I have this book on my e-reader, but it's really a book about approaching friends non-sexually to do cuddle and doing contracts and how to appear. Oh my god. No, I love that. Yeah, I can't think of the name. Actually, Cuddle Sanctuary recommended the book, so probably on their site it might lead you to the book. Great. Oh, that's amazing. What a wealth of information. Yeah. Thank you so much. Wow. All right, next question. Let's see.
I am Generation Z, and I hear a lot about how my generation is so diverse and accepting, but I don't see it around me. I live in a small town.
Everyone's super religious. No same sex couples at prom. If you're gay, you're going to hell. People use F-A-G all the time.
As an insult, how can I feel less alone from gay kids my age when I am so physically isolated? The things I hear about my generation being super accepting truly feel more like myths than reality. I think that is something to keep in mind, that if you live in a place where you can even say out loud your truth, you're incredibly privileged. Because not like that for the majority of the world still. And honestly, the fact that you were able to get this question to us, the internet, is going to be the single greatest resource to connecting to queer people.
And as I said at the top of the show, I grew up in a very, very small town. And then later in high school, I moved to a place called Yucca Valley, which is right next to Joshua Treece, to an even smaller town with even worse homophobia and racism There was a full-blown chapter of the KKK up there, by the way.
Oh my god. And people would spray paint fag on the door of a straight teacher's classroom. So it was so terrifying. And I wasn't even out to the other out gay kid at school. Because even that didn't feel safe. And really, you just have to honestly, it sucks, but it's stiff upper lip kid.
And get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Get to a city. It's the advice that gay people have been giving each other since the dawn of time. Get to a city and find chosen family if your family's not going to be there for you.
It's hard too, because I went to a performing arts high school in New Jersey, which is East Coast, potentially more liberal, even though I grew up in more of a conservative rural area. But the school was in, you would think there were dancers there. And there was a drama program. And that's what I went to, the theater program. And it was mostly women and three guys.
And even there, I didn't feel comfortable coming out. I know other people now from Facebook are being friends with them over the years who didn't come out. So I think it's sometimes odd to be like, oh, well, these certain places where it would be totally accepted, everybody can. And there are still these feelings of not being able to. There's so many reasons why people don't come out.
I felt completely alone all through high school. Literally, all my closest friends were gay as well. We're all out now. It's like we were all just quietly in there together.
And that's the intensity of what we internalize. And so you just have to really, really understand that some of us just get dealt hands in life that are a little more challenging. And self-love and acceptance. Really, that's the only thing that you can have at any place in every level. When there is the big media thing with it gets better, some of us who are older was like, I don't know. I'm still single. I mean, you know. The myth that we're all going to have. But what does get better is you learn more about what you can control.
I mean, everyone's never going to accept. It's never going to be that everyone accepts you. It's that you accept yourself and the people who need to accept you accept you. It's never going to be this perfect world on any level. Totally. No one's ever going to always accept your vegan diet. It's not going to be that way.
And they ask, how do I make it while I'm there? Because we can all say, oh, you got to love yourself, honey. Like RuPaul says, but especially if you're a teenager, you're like, thanks. I would also recommend my best coping defense mechanism was getting a sense of humor about things and learning to troll the fuck out of everyone around you as much as possible.
I do it even here with cisgender people. Because even in LA, we're better than other places, but it's still a lot of work to get people to understand trans identity. I performed as a drag queen, a femme queen for the first time recently. And a lot of people didn't quite know why I would want to do that. Even other trans people don't know why I would want to do that. And sometimes trans people will even delegitimize each other for not really, really hardcore adhering to masculine gender presentation or feminine gender presentation.
And honestly, all you can do is just say, well, if you don't like it, I'm going to find ways to mess with you about it as often as possible. To what is safe. Don't put yourself in any harm's way doing it. But really learn to laugh at the straights and you'll have a much better time.
Are we allowed to mention a political candidate? Yes, of course. Please.
So I'm a huge fan of Pete Buttigieg. And one thing that I love, which may be especially difficult to apply at a formative years, but he really sees, he talks about understanding where people are coming from.
Seeing it through their view. What's their background? So yeah, it's not going to work on every level. It's not an instant fix. But it is interesting to sometimes go, I want their compassion. Can I turn it around at all? Can I think, wow, they really grew up in a time or a place where they are victims. Their minds are victims of some of that. And what's the way in that's not combative? Because some place in that molded thought thing, where is the entry place? Where is the little thing? So it's also interesting to look at the other way, that they're not just the enemy. They're victims of something different.
Totally, yeah. Hurt people, sort of thing. Exactly. And I feel like you've been unfortunately born into a pressure cooker. We both can absolutely relate. And yeah, you can spend your time. Maybe it's not like it gets better, but it's like you get better. That's exactly right. You get better. You get stronger. Read. Yeah.
There are a lot of, you might think you have to graduate high school before leaving, but there are a lot of high school, private high schools, art-related high schools that you can apply for scholarship money for and maybe move before you're done with high school. Some of them are pretty expensive, but I feel like if you can get the money together, move as soon as you can.
Let's do one last one. Let's see. What? Already read that one. Interesting. I have scrambled these up. OK, here we go. OK, whatever.
I am a newly out gay girl and ready to take on the world.
The problem is sex ed at school only ever prepares you for straight sex, if it even does that, to be quite honest. I'm not young, and I'm not really sure where to find, you know, tutorials. Porn is obviously no help. From Jamie. Yeah, sex ed only prepares you for getting pregnant. And how you shouldn't do it ever until you're married. Yeah, and abstinence only, sex ed.
It's even interesting, and I host an erotic book club podcast here. And in the books that we read, oftentimes, if there'll be a virgin girl, and she's like leading up to being with a man, but she'll have an experience with a woman, but she's still a virgin. But I was like, but she just had sex with that woman. And how often lesbian sex isn't even considered sex to some people.
Like if there's not penetration, or a baby can't be made or something. Yeah, or like growing up, me and my friends would do what we call practicing when we get ready for a boy. What? No, you were having your first kiss with your best friend at that sleepover. Yeah. What?
It's very strange the way that we have to desexualize feminine sexuality entirely. And I would say that I had to learn a lot about even my own body, and a lot about my transition. So I can't imagine what just trying to figure out the mechanics of sex is like. I just had to learn it on YouTube from people who were younger than me. It's very strange. Like, oh wait, what's going to happen to my body?
Thank you for letting me know, 22-year-old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, too, the best way to learn about it is doing it. And the first time that you are with a woman, to just be open with communication, to be OK with not knowing every single thing. You don't have to have it be like a movie, and you instantly rock each other's world and come instantly. And that communication will allow you to bond and make it an even better experience. Totally. So you're allowed to say, I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. Does this feel good? Do you like this? And it doesn't make the romance go away. It's like an intimate, loving way to be with somebody. Totally. Yeah, you don't have to fake it till you make it. Exactly.
Yeah, you don't have to get the ultimate, like, jesh diab. That was a treat for dropout.
So would your advice be, to Jamie, a first time with someone also inexperienced or experienced or doesn't matter? I don't think it matters. I think for your first time, it should be with someone that you feel comfortable with. You don't have to find the perfect formula of, yeah, they're the exact same age or they're a little bit older, so they'll know more. I think it's someone who treats you with dignity and respect when you have sex for the first time.
Yes. Because it is so intense. Beautiful.
You have to respect your own body and you have to respect yourself. It's so important, especially when you're young.
I love you. Sorry, guys. Thank you. Amen.
Because I think, yeah, so often women aren't taught that. They're not going to teach you that in sex ed, but your body is your own and what you do to it and what other people do to it, it's for you to have control over it.
It's so true. Yes. And sex can feel so, like, we get caught up in the commercial thought of sex that's very dominant. Pushing against walls and, yeah. Yes, and it's like, no, it is actually an incredibly tender, gentle thing and there's absolutely room in there to be like, I've actually never done this before. Let's both figure this out together. Right.
And if you are, and that sort of tender stuff is so important to have that communication. Even if you are into, like, what would they say, mild to wild on Grindr. If you approach the wild, it becomes even more paramount the amount of agency and control you still have to know that you retain over your body. Especially if you identify as someone more on the submissive side, knowing that you need to be able to talk to that person and ask them any question and to be able to know that you're not going to be disappointing them in any way or you're not going to get some sort of weird guilt or confusion or judgment. You have to pick people that you go to bed with that you know are essentially like a best friend already.
And laughter. In my sexual days, the best sex is when you can laugh. Absolutely. Yeah, when you queef and you both laugh. It is very weird when no one laughs.
That can make good sex into great sex. And there are a lot of things online that you can find. And it doesn't have to be porn, which can be so nightmarish when you're like, I'm going to do that. Autostraddle is a very fun lesbian site.
And they have, you can't imagine how many listicles about, like, then you do this. I certainly can't.
I also highly recommend the webcomic, I think it's called Oh Joy Sex Toy, which is, yeah, it's all those illustrations. And the couple who do it are super body positive. And they try to be as inclusive as possible. So there's a good chance you'll see someone who looks like you as they go through, like, here's how this sex toy works. Here's what we liked about it and didn't like about it. And they really break it down for you. And so I highly recommend that if you're like, I don't even know where to begin with my sexuality or what that would entail, especially as a lesbian, there's so much hardware involved.
Yeah, yeah, I hear that. Yeah, I remember I downloaded the audio book of this book called The Joys of Strap-On Sex. And I was listening to it when I was, like, a freak. Was classical music playing as a talk? Yeah.
And I was just, like, a panicked virgin that was like, and I don't know what I'll do when I have sex. And I'm just listening to this in, like, a Panera. Just, like, the most, like, graphic stuff. And I'm just sitting there, like, and no one knows. And like, oh my god.
But that thing was, like, that book is honestly crazy but very funny. And I think I got a lot out of it. So check out that book.
Yeah, well, I think that's it. Thank you so much, everyone, for being here. What a sweet episode. This was very sweet. Thank you, everyone, for listening. And have a great week.
Hey, what's up? It's Ali.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard. Send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
cracked | the_10_most_secretly_ridiculous_moments_in_classic_movies_after_hours | So Captain Von Tramp, this strict friggin' hard as nails military guy, marries Maria, who just a few months earlier was a nun, so all I'm saying is that there must have been a honeymoon scene cut from the sound of music where this stoic sea captain just straight gives it to this naive, grin-faced nun lady. What is the most important lesson you have learned here, my child? To do it wholeheartedly. These are all chirping about roses, and meanwhile, somewhere in Nazi Germany, he is tearing her apart in the way that only a man who's seen war can.
You guys never think about that? Nope.
But that is a super great idea for a topic. Ooh! I got one!
And the scene that they didn't show is the scene that they did show, and the movie is like all dance movies. Great start. Footloose, if you want to be specific. Wait, the topic isn't best implied movie scenes where a sea captain just spoils a virginal nun? Okay, think of the scene where Kevin Bacon is dancing in the warehouse. Okay.
So he turns on the car radio and dances, but he's like 50 yards away from the car. Realistically, there is no way that the sound could travel to the Kev Bakes. The warehouse would just be echoing with like really awkward grunts and like sneaker squeaks. And that kind of thing happens with almost all non-diegetic sound.
Look at Rocky and Apollo having their training montage in the ocean, and the audience hears this awesome music. But can you think about how crazy it is for just some jogger going high on the sand? It's extra funny if you still imagine them in slow motion. People dance without music all the time. Oh, people. People dance.
Not me. I don't even dance with music. I can't. The sweat is just, I'm just a tragedy.
It's everywhere. I have to keep sponges. Too real? Let's move on.
My ridiculous scene that must have happened comes from Dark Knight. Think about the Joker's crazy plan. He gets himself arrested just so he could stage an elaborate prison break, activate a bomb in the same prison, and then kidnap Loudie accountant, which was his plan the whole time. So did he give all of his henchmen a 30-page document outlining his strategy? Because some of his guys needed to infiltrate the police, and some of his other guys needed to steal a bunch of carnival trucks and acquire a ton of weapons, and some of his other guys needed to tie up Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes in explosive-filled rooms on opposite sides of the town. Okay. Plus, all of those bombs that are in Gotham General Hospital and those two boats, that must have required some pre-planning.
Bombs!
All of those guys were sewing a cell phone bomb into the stomach of a guy they knew was going to get arrested and be sent to the same jail as the Joker. Plus, all of this was based on the prediction that Harvey Dent would step forward as Batman, and then the real Batman would come up to save him. Plus, Jim Gordon, who was supposed to be dead, was actually alive, and he would show up at the last second, too. All of this coming from a guy who says, Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
But it worked. All of his henchmen knew what to do. They were all on the same page. So what was that meeting like?
Hi. Thank you for signing up to be my henchmen. Some of you are going to be robbing banks. Standard henchmen stuff. A lot of you are going to die. Also standard. I need at least one of you to learn some basic surgery. Less standard.
Here's hoping that Harvey Dent gets half his face f***ed off and turns to a life of crime. I'm an agent of chaos. There are so many dumb scenes implied by Dark Knight. Bruce Wayne has to apply eye makeup in front of a mirror every night before he goes out. Before there was the Joker, a weird looking dude with face scars had to go into a party city all green hairspray and lipstick please.
Yeah, and a nurse's uniform and a wig, you know, just in case. I've got one. A wig or a nurse's uniform? Because I'd like to see you in either.
No. I know what the answer is. What's the best movie of all time? Grease 2. Freakazoid. Face jam. Okay, I shouldn't have asked. It's The Godfather. Mine, the boobs, the thars, the wines, they... Whoa. Am I going to give an... Nope. What?
I'm on it. I'm a mobster. It's a me.
Godfather. Pow pow. Oranges. Right. Okay. Great.
But everyone remembers the scene where Woltz wakes up in his bed with the horse head in it, right? So that means that Tom Hagen, a mob conciliary, a lawyer, has to figure out without explicitly asking which of Home Depot's saws is good at sawing through horse bones. What do you say? There's a tree branch I need to cut down, and I obviously have no frame of reference for this, but it's like horse bony, as far as tensile strength goes. Uh, hi. I'm studying to be a veterinarian, but like a terrible one. I'm a mobster. I shoot you. Give me your best saw. Pow pow. Great, but we'll never know because that scene was never shown, nor was the scene where cool, calm Tom Hagen broke into his stable and sawed a horse's head off, then broke into Woltz's bedroom and crept up to his bed carrying a 100, 120 pound horse head and slipped into the sheets without Woltz waking up.
The Godfather is just full of those. The scene where some low-level mobster had to plant a gun in the bathroom of that small Italian bistro and then awkwardly leave without ordering. Actually imagine Fredo banging cocktail waitresses two at a time. Boner poison. Those four mobsters who cram into a toll booth and have to wait for Sunny, what are they doing there?
How long were they in there? What did they talk about? How sweaty and gross did it get in there? Dan? Oh, really bad. Really sweaty and gross. I don't have like a sponge thing here.
See, I would watch an entire movie that's a spin-off of those four guys just bonding. So four buddies just killing time bullsh** searching for Sunny?
Yeah. You don't get enough of that as is. Oh, oh, you mean like what we'd, oh, no, I mean this is good, but I mean like a real movie with good writing. Would our conversations be more engaging if we pretended we were waiting to murder somebody? I could get on board with that. Yeah. I mean, if that's something you wanted to do, I'd be fine with it.
I'm a mobster. See, nobody heard me say that. See, if it makes you feel any better, I usually do want to end somebody on the regular. Okay. Let's talk about why Superman is secretly terrible at his job, but we'll pretend we're on our way to murder some mid-level gangsters. Oh, okay.
I just realized you tricked me into LARPing this. If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos. I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I just, what? Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad.
We got there.
All right. I'm going to. See you next time. Bye. |
dropout | hardly_working_emergency_flirt | You guys ever feel like you just accomplished everything you were meant to do on Earth? You guys, a tiger got loose in the office somehow. What? Does it make any sense?
AHHH! He's eating me! My God! He's eating me!
Do it!
Okay, the strongest two of us should hold the door. Pat, you call for help. Uh, yeah, you're right. I should call for help because I have a blackberry not because I'm not strong as you guys. Okay, great. Call animal control. Animal control. Hi, uh, I have an emergency. Okay, just calm down and tell me what's happening. Uh, we have a, there's a, um, God, your accident is beautiful. Thanks, my mom's from Delaware, so did you say you had an emergency?
Yes, no, it's stupid. I don't want to bother you with it.
I'm Pat, by the way. Okay, I'm married. Well, I have to get back to work. It was nice talking to you, Pat. Uh, the pleasure was all mine. Great news! Help is on the way.
I'm in love! What does that have anything to do with the tiger outside? Great question, Streeter, and yes, uh, I do think she feels the same way. What? Tiger! Somehow! I'm not worried about the tiger because love conquers all, Sarah. Tigers conquer all, Patrick. Do you think it's too early to update my relationship status on Facebook if we haven't met, but I'm sure it's true love.
Go. Get. Help! Yeah, I'm just gonna do it now. Done. Call her, okay? You're right. Animal control, what is your emergency?
Hey, Mary. Mary, me again.
Uh, crap. Don't you hate it when you have, like, a tiger and he's all like... Uh, Pat, are you having tiger problems? You know you can tell me about it. Alright, I was wondering, like, if you're, like, not doing anything. Maybe, I don't know, do you want to come over and maybe tranquilize this tiger that's been terrorizing her office and junk?
Jesus! I'll be over right away! She said yes!
The tiger is eating me! The tiger is... Mary's gonna be devastated! |
TheOnion | Romney_Courts_Hispanic_Vote_With_Animated_Sombrero_Wearing_Parrot | Mitt Romney began actively courting the nation's 50 million Hispanic voters this week when he introduced his new sidekick, an animated parrot named Paco. And today Paco made his first appearance in a Romney campaign commercial which has begun running in Florida and Texas.
Mitt Romney cares about the issues that matter to you, jobs, education, and lowering taxes. I'm Mitt Romney, I'm running for president, and I approve this message. Oh, Mitt, you are so very smart, I want you to be president.
Let's go over to Jason Kobland in the 2012 Democrat grid.
So Jason, is Paco going to show that Romney is in touch with Hispanics? He's clearly pushing hard for that. In fact, just today the Romney campaign began distributing pamphlets in predominantly Latino neighborhoods featuring a photo of Romney doing the Mexican hat dance with Paco. The pamphlet goes on to mention how Romney and Paco both love pinatas and chimichangas and landscaping. And Romney's even been giving out free ponchos on the campaign trail. But Romney, of course, does hold stances on issues like immigration that traditionally have not played well with Hispanic voters. Well, that's exactly right, but he's hoping that Paco will help sway Hispanic voters even on those issues.
I see. If you're opposed to illegal immigration, it doesn't mean that you don't have a heart. It means that you have a heart and a brain.
Let's see those jabs for our amigos on this side of the border. Now this is not the first time this type of tactic has been used, right? Well, no, it's not. And we all remember when John Kerry courted younger voters with this cool cartoon version of himself skateboarding, and George Bush attempted to draw black female voters with this animated moose.
Right, LaShonda. Yeah, LaShonda.
Very sad. Okay, Jason, what about the numbers?
How are the voters reacting to Paco? Well, Romney is saying quite well. He did his own survey of 60 to 70 Hispanics that he employs as household staff, and they all seem to like it a lot.
Okay, thank you for being with us, Jason. We need to take a break, but when we come back, we'll talk about Vice President Joe Biden's upcoming No Rules fundraiser to be held in international waters. It means that you have a heart and a brain.
Let's see those jabs for our amigos on this side of the border. This is not the first time this type of tactic has been used, right? Well, no, it's not. We all remember when John Kerry courted younger voters with this cool cartoon version of himself skateboarding, and George Bush attempted to draw black female voters with this animated moose.
Right, LaShonda. Yeah, LaShonda.
Very sad. Okay, Jason, what about the numbers?
How are the voters reacting to Paco? Well, Romney is saying quite well. He did his own survey of 60 to 70 Hispanics that he employs as household staff, and they all seem to like it a lot.
Okay, thank you for being with us, Jason. We need to take a break, but when we come back, we'll talk about Vice President Joe Biden's upcoming No Rules fundraiser to be held in international waters. |
cracked | the_week_in_douchebaggery_robin_williams_kfc_and_god | It's Friday, March 28th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and oh, how I've missed you. Herb Peterson, the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, died earlier this week at age 89. His funeral will end promptly at 10.30 a.m. Sweet sassy molassie, it's Friday! And you know what that means. It's the week in douchebaggery!
Douchebag number five, Kentucky Fried Chicken. The fast food chain and manufacturers of sweet nectar of the gods have announced a plan to sell grilled chicken in their restaurants. KFC, that's like a strip club where all the strippers wear leotards. It's like a brothel where the hookers only engage in deep, meaningful conversations. If I'm going to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I want some deep-fried, oil-saturated, extra-crispy chicken-like product. If I wanted grilled breasts, I'd toss Dolly Parton on my barbecue...again.
The leading proposed solution? A new promotion where every passenger gets a free parachute. New slogan, we love to fly and to hurtle out of the air very, very quickly as we crash to our deaths. With you, boom.
Douchebag number three, American Children. Researchers with too much time on their hands have calculated that a child born today will cost his parents more than $290,000 before his 18th birthday. That's because starting today I've instituted a new system here in the United States. If you have a kid, you owe me 290 big ones.
And by big ones, I'm not referring to...okay, no, I am referring to large breasts. Both large breasts and dollars are accepted right here.
Douchebag number two, a Wisconsin couple whose daughter has died from a treatable form of diabetes. The girl's parents didn't take the sick daughter to a doctor, choosing instead only to pray to God, asking him to save their daughter from the illness. A spokesman for God told the family, no. She also said, I don't exist.
And finally, Douchebag number one, Robin Williams. He's divorcing his wife of 19 years. His wife, by the way, and this is true, originally worked for Williams as a nanny when he was still married to wife number one.
Reach for comment, Robin told the News Uncracked, well, yes, it's all very sad, but a happy sort of sad, you know, like yes, yes, yes, but not the good kind of yes, the kind where Ronald Reagan might say, well, I'm sure I married that woman for a good reason, but right now I simply do not recall. No, Ronnie wouldn't say that. He's dead. If Ronnie were alive today, he'd say, oh God, I've been buried alive. Help me, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, but twisted, like here's Ronnie, Ronald Reagan because I'm not Johnny, but I'm divorcing and I'm Harry. For those of you keeping score at home, that is yes, the worst Robin Williams impression you've ever heard. That's it for today's edition of the News Uncracked. Check back next Friday when I'll battle a robot. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_20_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bullet and the date is Monday the 20th of January live from the budgie smuggler studios in downtown Batutah. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor at large Errol Parker and the Peter Stefanovic of the Diamantina Shire the boldest and I guess you'd say the cleanest haircut in in our particular region this is Wendell Hussey how are you mate? Very well thank you Clancy not that difficult to have the cleanest haircut around here but quite a compliment thank you. Now what's in the news this week mate?
Another week and another bushfire story to open things up Scotty from marketing arrives at scene of Victorian bushfires wearing 10 different AFL scarves. Well I guess that's how you lift the mood in in Victoria isn't it you know you go down there with a couple of AFL scarves on. As far as Morrison knows I tell you win the crowd over he was heard yelling how good does he rules at several exhausted firefighters who'd collapsed on the roadside just outside of Tamboon. It was as he said an effort to lift the mood but as the Prime Minister does he was hedging his bets and wouldn't pick one option wouldn't pick one option he decided on all 10 Victorian AFL teams. And one Melbourne man Kieran Pace commented on that story and he said as Collingwood supporters we endure a lot but our scarf photographed around his neck is surely the lowest point in the club's history. Which is pretty damning considering Eddie Maguire is the face of their club.
In other bushfire related news now and hippie uncle really getting into this high speed rail conspiracy. Clancy this was one of your stories wasn't it? Yes it's a recurring scenario in families right around Australia there's been a lot of misinformation going around. Big Georgie Christensen claims this entire bushfire season unprecedented record-breaking climate change aided bushfire season has been purely the result of an arsonist epidemic. A lot of other back benches will tell you that there's no such thing as climate change and we've always had bushfire seasons this big. Barnaby will tell you that the Greens are responsible because they've banned hazard burning but Uncle Todd believes that this is a conspiracy by big speed rail a lobby group backed by the UN has paid shadow agents to burn specific path down the eastern seaboard for a railway to be built.
Obviously quite coincidental that it's all crown land that is rather unmanaged but yes who would have known the high speed rail was so powerful as a shadow kind of political force. Well it's interesting that he says this because you know they've already graded a really nice smooth even path between the two largest capitals in this country and I believe it's called the Hume Highway. Yes they could almost fit a railway in between those two roads. Yeah even if they just built it down alongside I mean you know a hundred and tens pretty quick for an Aussie train.
Well what is that big lake where they managed to get those ugly bloody wind turbines in there? Lake George. Lake George you know if you can build those appalling things there I don't think you're gonna get much resistance on a high-speed rail to keep cars off the roads.
Now understandably there were a lot of comments on this one and there were some very good ones. Brent Andrews commented noted rail thoroughfare Kangaroo Island. There was another one from Shay Callan from around town and he commented saying the exploding smart meters thing is so far-fetched everybody knows that's just a diversion from the real cause extra friction from the hinges of unisex toilet doors. It was interesting that this particular conspiracy has been almost championed by the same exact crowd as the anti-vaxxers.
Can't really figure that out. And the 5G. 5G is kind of working in there as well. The 5G meters were reportedly exploding and there was talk of lasers as well. You know very complex a lot of big leaps to be made but much more easy to believe than the fact that we are contributing to climate change through the accelerated use of fossil fuels for 300 years.
There has been a little bit of reprieve for parts of the country with rain falling over the back half of last week and the weekend and we broke a story about that. Blind drunk brickies punching on outside pub at 1 p.m. fair indication we've had some good rain. In Queensland particularly where the working day had already began before the rain came lots of construction workers were sent to the pub after more than two drops of water landed on the Tally Ho which is the standard rule and not long after that not long after the boys hit the taverns there were skulls clipping the footpaths clancy. Yes as they say wet steel no deal and a spokesperson for the Bureau of Meteorology said to us on Friday we're seeing a lot of tradies absolutely lifting each other outside hundreds of pubs down the East Coast right now that's when you know you've had some good bloody rain.
Overseas now and much to the delight of the magazine and newspaper gossip industry the Royal Family Drama is still dragging on. We broke another exclusive and that was about Prince Harry blowing off a bit of steam. Unemployed Prince Harry takes to Facebook with vague status about being sick of the drama. Mm-hmm plenty of putrid dogs in the UK media. Yes karma coming for them as Megan has Essex posted on Facebook getting pretty sick of the drama aye not really sure why some people feel the need to constantly be chucking their two cents in about other people's lives. If you've got a problem why don't you just be a man and talk to me face to face instead of saying shit to other people behind me and Meg's back. Liked by seven people and shared by several as well Harry has hit out at the toxic people in his life with this rather vague status we don't know who is directed at but we can't assume the tabloid media of England. Yeah I'd say that Piers Morgan is about due for a pillaring. And a short time later Megan took to Instagram posting a photo of a coffee saying Lord give me the coffee and strength to deal with these idiots.
Back home in town now and there was plenty more drama. We wrote a story about a heated conflict down at the Lord Kidman hotel in the old city district that was well fuck is then says mate who got roasted until breaking point. Yes the severe roasting started after the local man Brendo couldn't carry the drinks he'd bought for his group of mates back to the table and needed the help of a tray. That's enough to get you at least a light ribbing in the outer metro and rural areas of Australia. It began as a bit of banter and ended up with a severe wobbly lip. While the banter was mediocre and low quality the continual chat and added hair rubbing and shoulder shoving resulted in a dummy spit which led to Brendo calling all of his mates fuckwits and telling them to fuck off. There was also some drama surrounding the obscure drinks he bought. Some were saying they were bright green possibly apple sours and a little bit weird to buy for the mates after six to seven rounds of mid-strength beer.
Moving along to sports news now and Novak Djokovic begins training for Australian Open title defense with sessions in revolver smoking area. Well he'll definitely learn how to play pool there. He'll definitely learn how to talk shit to some Northside cunt with 30,000 followers on Twitter and he'll also learn how to inhale secondhand smoke at that hellish establishment. Yes which is going to be what you need if you're going to be playing tennis in Victoria around this time of the year. Moving into the near future as our Prime Minister has pointed out this is the new normal. We can expect grey skies for every summer to come because we are unable to relinquish our dependence on the coal and coal seam gas industries. So the defending champion has been preparing for this by training in the revolver smoking area.
Revolver is one of the last true nightclubs in this country. Very European in nature the way that it just goes all night and allows pretty much any kind of behavior you want in there. We were accused of taking cash for this particular story. Cash for comment was the accusation but I don't know how many people Revolver really need to advertise to a inner Melbourne day club. No but if you are in the market for an engine oil you can't go past Valvoline because Valvoline makes the best oil. It's also good for splashing in front of police horses before throwing marbles at them.
On that note good luck to Novak at the Australian Open and that'll wrap up our bulletin for this week. Thanks for joining us we'll talk to you again in seven days time. Until then I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm glad you have room. I'm Errol Parker. |
ClickHole | heartbreaking_butchers_tell_stories_about_the_time_their_salami_rolled_away | School had just gotten out and a bunch of kids came pouring into my shop to pick up their family's orders. Suddenly one of these kids accidentally knocked the salami off the counter and it rolled right out the door.
I gave chase for miles, running as fast as I could. Eventually I tumbled down this slope they were using for the Winter Olympics. So I suited up and I ripped the Narnar down that mountain in pursuit of my salami. By the time I reached the bottom of that slope that salami was finally within reach so I stretched up my arm to grab it and suddenly I was swarmed by the press. Apparently while chasing my salami down the mountain I broke the world record for fastest downhill snowboard run but I couldn't care less about that.
I gotta go I gotta get my salami but it was too late the salami had rolled away and in the chaos I'd lost track of it and I've never been able to forgive myself for that mistake. Listen I had dropped my salami before it happens but not like this it was the fourth of July and I brought my salami into the street with me to watch the parade. It was a really good parade and I must have gotten too excited because I squeezed my salami too hard and it shot out of my hand. I watched in horror as it rolled through the legs of the marching band narrowly missing being crushed by their stomping feet. Then a trumpet player accidentally kicked the salami up in the air and it landed right in one of the tubas. A tuba player blew on his horn and the salami came shooting out with such force that it flew over the parade and landed on a nearby platform where they were having the annual fourth of July hot dog eating contest. Those gluttonous bastards mistook my salami my beautiful perfect salami for a goddamn hot dog and just snarfed it down.
The man I was before he died that day. I don't even know who I am anymore. Get my salami in a giant hamster ball that was too wide to fit through the door of my shop so that my salami could roll around freely without the possibility of it leaving the premises. What I didn't count on was a car bomb from the local chapter of the Irish Republican Army going off right in front of my store blowing up the doorway and allowing my salami to roll away in the giant hamster ball that I had kept in it never to be seen again. For years after that I was in a dark place. I wish it could have been me who had rolled away in that giant hamster ball instead of my poor innocent salami. For years of therapy later I'm doing better but man not a moment goes by that I don't think about the day my salami rolled away. |
SaturdayNightLive | ramy_youssef_monologue_snl | This is an incredibly spiritual weekend. we're in the holy month of Ramadan. tomorrow is Easter and yesterday Beyonce released a new album. there's just so many religions celebrating all at once. I'm doing the Ramadan one. I love Ramadan because I love hanging out with Muslims. we're so loving and I feel like people don't know that about us. they know all these other things.
But man, we love to love and we're so free with it. my friends that I grew up with, they were really weird about love. like I have a buddy of mine who was like, man, I've been hanging out with this girl dude and I I told her I loved her. it's only been nine months. I was like dude, I just said that to my uber driver. I gave him my number. I was like bro, let's get off the app. I want to get to know you. you mean something to me. nine months you should have a kid. it's too much and people don't get us.
And there's all this division, but it's not where you think it is, right? So I live in New York. we're in this bubble and we think like everything we disagree with is in the south. But I don't believe in the south. there is no south. like the South is 45 minutes away from wherever you are. I had a show in upstate New York. I was walking through the neighborhood. there's all this trump stuff, flags, red hats. I was like yo I went north but I'm south and I could feel it, you know.
I could feel the fear when my mom called me. I didn't want to speak Arabic. she was like salaam alaikum hi baby and I was like mother, Peace be upon you. you know. And the prophet, you know. you know which prophet. the best one. the last one. it's tough because it's an election year. that's when you can feel it all. everyone's freaking out and for me where I'm at now it's like I know Biden's gonna call. I know he's gonna call me. I mean well he probably will probably forget but I think somebody will call. like in 2020 I got a call from Mohammed at Biden. you know they thought that was so cool. like Ben was gonna call and they're like no, no, no no. let Mohammed do it.
Rami's gonna like that. that Habibi energy. he goes Rami Habibi. We love you. we love everything that you've done for Arab America. right? He said it like it was a country. he goes Everyone on the campaign.
Such a big fan of your work And and Joe's aware, right. that's huge, right? Because Joe has an awareness issue. I mean, Joe's aware. that's like a Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, like we said your name. Joe was nodding. Joe looks good when he's aware. you've seen him, right. like when he's really, you know those days when he just comes out and he's just like thawed. like they give him an extra 10 in the microwave. he's just lit up. he looks good and he says stuff it's inspiring, like it doesn't mean anything, but it's like America.
You know it's good. he'll be like I ride the train. you're like sick. Where's it going? and you never find out. But Mohammed goes to me. Rami. Listen, this is a tough election and we're looking at the map. there's a lot of battleground states. a lot of them, but we've realized if we can win just one, we'll get the whole country. the only state we need is Michigan. Arab America. he goes Rami. Go to Michigan, Tell the Arabs to vote for Joe and you could change the course of American history. And our country so messed up that for five minutes I was like, is this up to me? like am I the guy? I had this fantasy right? Like I'm in Michigan. I'm in every vape shop. just like bro bro Joe Joe.
I couldn't go. I don't like either option. To be honest with you.
I really think our next president should be a woman. you know what I mean? like that would be amazing. I think our next president should be a trans woman. a little less support.
Yeah. that's that's New York, right? New York's like we're liberal, but we're Italian. Watch out.
No, I've been thinking about her. I really have like imagine her speech. It would be so inspiring. she'd be like a lot of politicians talk about change. like you can see the bumper sticker right? like real change. she puts up a before and after and she's like I could do that to the country. it's just an idea.
I'm out of ideas. I really am. I'm out of ideas. all I have is prayers. that's all I can do right now. you know, and in my friend group I'm one of the only guys who praise. like I'm friends with a lot of sinners. like just disgusting people. and they call me when they're in trouble because they want me to pray for them, right? So I get a call from my buddy Brian. he's stressed. he's been in court for 10 months with his ex and they're fighting over the dog and he goes Rami. Dude, she doesn't take care of the dog. she feeds him kibble. she doesn't even feed him wet food and I need him back. it's just destroying my life. please man, pray for me. I need him and I'm like dude. All right, I got you. I got you. an hour goes by. I get a friend, my friend Ahmed calling me. his whole family's in Gaza and he goes Rami. They're suffering. I don't know where half of them are. I don't know what to do. please pray for them. it's the only thing we can do and I'm like, dude, I got you right? So that night I go to pray and my prayers are complicated. I've got a lot to fit in. I'm like God.
Please please help Ahmed's family. please stop the suffering. stop the violence. please Free the people of Palestine. please and please Free the hostages. All the hostages Please. And while you're at it, you know, Free Mr. Bojangles.
I mean he's He's a beautiful dog. I'm praying for that dog. we've got a great show for you tonight, right? Travis Scott is here. stick around. We'll be right back. |
dropout | instant_gratification_game_show | Hi everyone, I'm Brian Murphy life the glorious adventure of existence and yet despite its many twists and turns Sometimes it can be a bit dull But not today because today we will be approaching people on the street and asking them a question that will rock Their world that will make them question their very existence That question is can they tolerate an annoying person with a microphone long enough to achieve greatness. We'll find out when we play instance gratification Would you like to tempt fate and answer a question for an epic prize? Okay, here's your question what popular form of city transportation drives its name from the older phrase taximeter cabriolet That is correct.
You did it. You did a great job. That's awesome.
You got your new ride to work You're not gonna be taking the taxi cab today That's correct. You got a limo See how simple that was the lesson here is that any boring average day could be made epic if you just take a moment and Embrace life also if a stranger approaches you with a pack of gum and challenges you to a street contest You should say yes. So until next time have an epic day. I'm about to have one myself limo Keep open up dude fun Are you are you serious? Hey |
SaturdayNightLive | five_timers_club_snl | All right, Candace and Paul, how do we think this show is going so far and don't be afraid to be brutal? Well, not to be a total bitch, but my five-timer show in December was going to be a lot better. that is until the whole cast decided to call out sick. they all had Covid. So what? I have Covid right now. I got it from the Queen.
Humblebrag. Hi, I think I'm supposed to be in here. Oh, Megan Millau! Welcome to the Five-timers Club. Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing. Well, congratulations, John, and let me be the first person to say, who are you? Well, Candace, you wouldn't know me, but if you have a niece or a son who's bad at sports, they might. Oh, come on. this is John Mulaney. congrats, man. tonight, it's all about you and me, to a degree, as well, because, you know, my party was canceled. doodle laziness. Wow, well, I'm just happy that you're here in my episode.
And Paul Rudd exits. that's it? just reading, sorry, buddy. and Tina Fey enters. Wow! writers control everything with stage direction.
And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip. it's James Miss Fey. that's what I said, Philip. what kind of drink is that? it's the Five-timer Fizz. it's made with Justin Timberlake's tequila, Dan Aykroyd's vodka, and Tracy Morgan's Club Soda, which is aquarium water. Gross. Dan Aykroyd's Vodka.
Listen, I have to say, I had no idea people got treated this well. you know, when I worked here, I was just a writer. Well, you were one of the best. you wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly. Thank you.
Well, that's all behind you. tonight, you're in the company of Comedy Legends and the Sexiest Man Alive. What's the silly thing? Paul, Episode 2021, I'm talking about Mr. Elliot Gould. Oh. My. God, Elliot. Well, Paul may have People Magazine, but I was named Sexiest Man Alive by Chest Hair Magazine. Hey, Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom? should I?
Well, John, we have some business to discuss. the club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire. Too bad no one here is at retirement age. you are 76. But I have the child of a 38-year-old.
And we can't get rid of Tina. she was the first woman to ever wear glasses on Tv. that's true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can't be canned, I mean, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?
Oh yeah, I made. those guys do really weird stuff. I was fine with it. So are you saying there's no room for me? Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. does that make sense? Yeah. yeah, so what you're saying is? I think what we're all trying to say is this has become not special. Did somebody say not special? Conan, what are you doing here? I'm just here to sign up for Peacock. it's weird they make you do it in person. Look, John, don't listen to them. this is very, very special. I was in the very first Five Timers Club special, club back specs thing. why not?
Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here. Yeah, but you were on the show when you were a writer. so shut up! John and I were never supposed to be on Tv. we're hideous. right? say it, John.
I guess. we are. And we're here on what's taking what's ours. when it's taken by the horns, it's ours!
The point is, you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own Tv show for decades. And what are you doing now? I have a podcast. Well, I never thought I'd say this, but Conan has a point. being in this club is pretty damn special.
Yeah, yeah, come on. let's give him his jackass. All right, Paul, give him your jacket. Oh man, you know what? it was fun while it lasted. Thanks, Paul. Oh, sure, John. guys, everyone, thank you. this really does just mean the world to me. Yeah. and one more thing.
Live From New York! No, Conan, we did that already. I'm doing it anyway. Live From New York! It's Saturday night! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_holiday_travel_saturday_night_live | It's Christmas time in New York, which means millions will be heading to the city to celebrate. here are some tips on what New York can offer as our City Correspondent, Stefan.: Whoo! Hi. Stefan, how have you been? The same. Okay. so, Stefan, lots of people are heading here for a great New York Christmas. do you have any tips on what they can see and do? Yes.
If you're here from Ohio or whatever, look no further. New York's hottest club is Ounce. Located in the middle of the East River, this place has everything.
Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Valanche, an entire room of puppets doing karate. I'm sorry, and why are puppets doing karate? Because it's that thing of when someone calls miss Piggy Fat and she goes, hi-yah!
And Stefan, when I said fun things for the holiday, I meant things that were a little more normal. can you think of any things that might be a little more sort of, like, classic New York holiday? Mm-hmm, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you want your Christmas in New York to be classic, look no further. New York's hottest club is Ounce. this lower, lower Eastside dump is the creation of club owner, Tranderson Cooper. And it finally answers the question,: do I have to? This place has everything. skitzos, kites, kite enthusiasts, and that's not all. look who just came in. it's Blingo. sorry, Blingo? Black Ringo. Oh. Stefan, buddy, I don't know how to say this, but look, I was brought up to respect people from all walks of life. tolerance. Yeah, and I am glad that you have a world you feel comfortable in. dungeon culture, yes, yes. But look, Buddy, you know, I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy, you know, born and raised in New Hampshire. a glimpse into Seth Meyers. Okay. and I just wanted to, I wanted to, Yeah, okay. And I just wanted to help folks, you know? folks. yeah, folks. you know, and I want them to find some good old-fashioned Christmas cheer. Yes. No, Stefan, can you help us with that? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you're old or into fashion, I've got the place for you.
New York's hottest Holiday club is Blitzen. And right now, they're having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. well, 12 Days of Christmas.
Now, see, that sounds nice. because it has everything. 12 jacked albinos, 11 little richards, 10 fiercer babies, 9 Asian balconies, 8 gay aladdans, 7 psycho swearing, 6 porta-screechins, puerto Rican screeches. of course. of course, yeah, yeah. we all knew that, we all knew that. 5 homeless elmos, 4 cooked up frogs, 3 french hens, taylor Negron, and a human parking cone.
So. lay it on me, my man. what's your question? My question was, what's a human parking cone? Yes, it's that thing of when 2 jacked midgets paint themselves orange, and you have to parallel park between them. Oh, it's that thing. it's that thing. that's that thing. Stephon? I've done it. I'm gonna ask you a serious question.
Stephon, don't you ever just want to have a normal Christmas? Well, I would, but no one ever invites Stephon a normal Christmas.
Aww. Well, look, Stephon, would you like to come to New Hampshire with me? He asked me. Stephon, everybody. I'm on top. I'm on top, Stephon. like good friends, Stephon. |
cracked | the_awful_truth_about_movies_based_on_a_true_story_today_s_topic | Now I'm going back to my side. You said you'd give it a chance. Yeah, I did.
Ah man, that's not even a shot yet. That's not even footage.
I hate true story movies. They always end with the same bullshit synopsis.
So and so stayed married to her forever, but he never went back to jerk off springs again. So what, man? I mean, that's life. That's what happens. You stayed married and you fondly remember your time at jerk off springs.
What movie is that? It's from something, right? That's not real life. In real life, more often than not, the true story that you just watched gets reversed ten seconds after they yell cut. Did you know that the teacher from Stand and Deliver got so much crap from the rest of the faculty that he had to quit his job? Right, but this movie has boobs and explosions, man. Yeah, boobs. Erin Brockovich. You know that story? Look it up. You're not listening to me. Boobsplosion.
So she wins the cancer people $333 million, right? And everything's great. Wouldn't say great, man. That's, you're talking about cancer. And I don't think they like being called the cancer people.
My cousin hates it. Hated it.
Crew. Whatever. That cancer crew didn't get any of their money for like another six months. And when they did get it, there was like this huge chunk missing. It's because Erin Bichovich and her firm took 40% of it and then another $10 million off of the top for expenses. When they finally got around to doling it all out, they didn't even give a public announcement about who was getting what. They just sort of gave each cancerite whatever they felt was right. Oh, and infargo.
You know at the beginning when they say true story? Not true. At all? Lies, man. Weird.
In World War II, Oscar Schindler, from Ghostbusters, that's the one his life sucked. He decided to bankrupt a couple of companies, abandon his wife, and live off the care packages of the Jewish families he'd saved.
Ew. So much wry. Yeah, but you know what? At the end of the day, you watch the movie, man, you enjoy it, and you don't care where they decide to stop it. All of the points still happen. Except for that dude who shoved the other guy into a woodchipper. Yes, except for that. That was a f***ing lie. But the sentiment was true. Oh really? You know at the end of how Stella got her groove back, how Stella gets her groove back? Ah, spoilers, man. Well, it turns out that guy was gay. He just wanted a US citizenship. It's like that whole movie was meaningless. Huh. So I knock Schindler's list down a peg, and this is your counter.
She just seems so happy.
I don't know. That's when I promise myself never again. It's just too painful. You know what? It really comes down to an issue of timeframe. If they're going to be completely realistic about this, all of these movies need to end with, and later, they die.
After leaving Animal House, Bluto became a senator, and later he died. Chuck Zuckerberg, the youngest billionaire in the world, and later he died.
Yeah, it doesn't always work. Ah, f***ing gross. I'll take it if you're not going to eat it. Ah.
Hey! Thanks for watching our comedy video on the internet. Make sure to subscribe and give it a thumbs up, and leave a comment, because maybe we'll respond to it. Crap to you later!
I'm not. I'm not that guy. |
dropout | what_if_rookies_had_a_sleepover | Hey guys, your favorite agent has to head out before rookie's gonna be okay here on your own. Yeah, it's true. I'm not a rookie. Yeah, sure. Anyway, Rooks, have a great time. Feel free to keep playing the video games, board games in the corner, a turntable. Drew, we got it. Maybe a little twister if you're feeling it. We got it, Drew. Just do me a favor and try to keep the place clean. Get up. All right. We're gonna get you my book slut. You lot of you.
My name is Alfred, and I'm here to say I'm a rookie in the National Basketball Association. Dude, NBA.
Run it back. Come on.
No.
LeBron, is your refrigerator running? Yo, what you doing? What you hanging out for? Man, I got nervous, man. Nervous? It's LeBron James. Yo, LeBron, is your refrigerator running? Ay, you got this. Are you getting ready? Is your refrigerator running? Yo, what you doing? What you hanging out for? Man, I got nervous, man. Nervous? It's LeBron James. Me. Flip off.
See, LeBron, you have three cheats. You have three cheats?
There you go. Come on, man.
You know my grandma don't even want to touch my hair. You LeBron, is your refrigerator running?
Which one? Give me. What? I'm picky.
So you're just going to take money, man? Yeah, I'm going to touch you. Ain't nobody playing his name. That's how you feel.
Hello? Is your refrigerator running? It doesn't work if I can see you.
Well, I don't understand that American joke. And at that point, they realized the phone calls were coming from inside the locker room. I don't get it. The killer was the coach. Whoo! Wait, I still don't get it.
Go, boy, yes.
Whoo! All right, rookies, I'm back. Ah, rookies?
Thought I said keep the place clean. Get out of here. Get out of the house. I'm a ghost.
Give me. What? So you're just going to take money? Yeah.
There's nobody playing his name. Hello? Is your refrigerator running? It doesn't work if I can see you.
Well, I don't understand that American joke. And at that point, they realized the phone calls were coming from inside the locker room. I don't get it. The killer was the coach. Whoo! Wait, I still don't get it.
Go, boy, yes.
Whoo! All right, rookies, I'm back. Ah, rookies?
Thought I said keep the place clean. Get out of here. Get out of the house. I'm a ghost. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Raph_Dixon_J_R_Hennessy_Down_Round_Podcast | You're listening to a DM podcast. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate podcast. You've got Clancy and Errol in here today interviewing two interesting blokes, one who has been on before in many different capacities, formerly known as an alt-electro troubadour, followed by a Movember dad podcaster, Raph Dixon, thank you for joining us.
Former Greens candidate for the inner west as well. Yeah, he was coming for Albo. I went further left. Oh yes, right.
The no flight path party. No second runway party. Bullet train for Australia, was that your thing? No aircraft noise.
That was me.
It's too bloody loud. It's too loud. It is too loud.
Surely decentralisation is the answer. We don't need medium density in this waving, vast inner west suburb. There's a group of proper lefties which are tasked with the conservation of the Cooks rivers.
Yeah.
The crab people? The mud crabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we should arm the mud crabs.
Oh, I've always said this, that I am anti-gun in that I think the cops shouldn't have guns.
They're just knives. I think that would make it much more interesting. Or just throwing knives? No, just knives.
So it's like, alright, stop, and then just fire. I think in India, the cops in India have the right idea, where they have those big sticks. Yeah.
How did the Sikhs get a blade? The Sikhs get a blade, yes, of course. Even in Queensland, the last free state primary schools, the Sikh kids were allowed to carry their blade on them.
I think we'd be a lot better behaved if the cops had sticks. I mean, like the cops never gonna shoot you unless- Don't they already have sticks? Unless you go mad. No, but the cops have a taser and a gun, so if you go mad, they're gonna shoot you. But if the stick was the first on the list, the cops would use it way more.
It's like, I just caught you riding a line bike with no helmet, you're not gonna get a fine, but I'm gonna whack you across the back with this two inch dowel across your back like that. Airplane spun. Literally yesterday, I saw like a bloke, I think it was like a food delivery guy or something on a chook chaser, like motorbike, and he had a second person behind him with a line bike scooter helmet on the back of like a motorbike. That's not legal.
If I was a cop, I'd whack him with my bamboo stick. You get the stick. Right. The bo staff.
I saw them leave from where they were. You saw that same duo?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're famous. I mean, it was notable. We should also mention there's another person in this room right now, JR Hennessey. Hello. Storied journalist. Sure. Early on the metaverse. I remember Spanion. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I went on, I went on Spanion's podcast to explain the metaverse to him. Yeah. I think he picked up a few key points. Sensational stuff before the hood tour era. That's right. Well before. He looked at the metaverse and said, I prefer the hood. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for that. We're going to Dandenong. Anyway, thanks for joining us. You guys do the DownRound podcast, which if I were to summarise it is a podcast with two people who spent a lot of time thinking about the type of things that you only ever hear about in passing. Okay. Yes.
No praise.
That's one thing. I thought you were going to say thinking a lot about computers. So that's actually, that's way better. Well, no, I know you mean by like things that people think about in passing, like so you may be talking about like, oh yeah, you know, how does Google make money or whatever. But I like to think of the things we talk about are like basically products and businesses that people do literally use every single day and then don't really think about. Like the things controlling your life. Number one, what's the most, what has the most control over me right now? I mean, it's social media. Let's let's, if you want the honest answer, it's I was about to say Carlton United breweries, but Well there is a, they got a quite a spread. It's algorithms that are kind of brewed up in a vast server labs in China, probably depending on your usage of TikTok or as like a gen X atheist would say the online tribalism.
Yep. Yeah. Is that real?
Am I, am I slowly being killed in some way or another? We haven't really spent a lot of time talking about online tribalism, have we? It's a little bit outside of our remit. It's contentious and we're both, we're both kind of immune to it. So it's not something that we think about a lot.
I don't know what they're doing in those places because some of the stuff I've been watching now on these reels that, you know, that you just kind of mindlessly get caught in a loop just watching this things from what, like I'm watching light aircraft landed in the jungles of Columbia. Sounds good. I'm watching people get run over and killed by trains. Oh yeah, absolutely. That's big on eggs. It's just, it's like, where do they think this stuff up and why is it allowed? Fatal industrial accidents on the subcontinent, I think is like 85% of all content globally right now. Yeah. Like it's just dissents at all. Like, like I can watch that as I'm eating and then just be like, ah, next, a Porsche speeding down an autobahn next, someone getting crushed by a forklift. I mean, it's just in one ear and out the other. Well, the algorithms are targeting you thinking that you're going to be the most engaged with that kind of stuff.
So what does that say? What does it say about you? It means you've either looked for this or you've never looked for this.
I've been broken. You've dwelled. Yeah. You've dwelled on it. Yeah.
No, the algorithm knows that I always wait until there's a crush event. Just keep watching and watching and watching and then, ah yep, Cara's rolled over onto this guy who was riding a moped.
And then there's some guy in the central committee of the Chinese Communist Party has gotten that as a report. He's going, all right, cool. We need to get this guy over. He can never come to Hong Kong again.
I want to talk about things that we've heard in passing. So much shit came up in the pandemic that we thought was going to be around forever.
You're not trying to monetise this podcast, right? No, no, no, no. AstraZeneca. We don't even film them.
I mean, it's just, it's a bridge too far.
But I want to talk about, you know, when we were all looking for an escape during the pandemic, there were a few things that everyone enjoyed, like, hey, house party yep, that's crazy for three weeks. And then, I don't know, exercise came back, bakery, shit came back, people making sourdough and all that. I mean, there was so many apps and we spend a lot of time talking about this, that were huge and they're going to be the future of entertainment and content during the pandemic that just is a bit, I mean, exercise, obviously Peloton's a big one, like that was going to be the future of exercise. Gyms were out of business, like gym stocks had crashed because it was like, no one's ever going to go to a gym again. They're all going to stay at home on their Peloton and Peloton's going to create a dating app and it's going to create this social community and imagine that it's just all these hot people on a dating app, all with like the same, who can talk about like their online psychosocial relationship with like an e-trainer and whatnot.
And like the firm ass gang. Yeah, exactly. That's what they were saying.
And then big dies in the first episode of the Sex and the City reboot has a heart attack on a Peloton. Is that what killed it? That's 100% what killed it.
Check their stock prices. It's not looking good. They're big. Yeah.
I mean, I just say, well, Clubhouse was the big one, the big social app, because remember, this just kind of came and went. I don't know if this came across you, the listeners radar or not. The Clubhouse is another classic pandemic stock. So the idea was you had this app that you open, it was like a social network, but for voice only, you know, you open it up, you join a room and it's just people chatting.
This was worth billions and billions of dollars. And this is going to be the way that we communicate and we interact with kind of social media and entertainment from here on is that we're going to open up this app on our phone and just like, listen to random people talk. This is worth billions of dollars.
And then like, did anyone cash in? Did they cash in? They didn't have an opportunity to cash out, I think, because I think people very quickly realize that I want to open an app and just hear someone ranting on raving about how to create a personal brand.
You're right. Like the pandemic caused a period where everyone was like all these social behaviors and all the way, like the way the world works is about to like change dramatically. And it did change dramatically. As everyone remembers you, everyone was stuck at home, whatever you were doing, you were playing PlayStation. Destroying the CFMEU office in Victoria. You know, in certain circumstances that might have been going on. Like you know, you were playing poker with people on Zoom or whatever, your work life changed dramatically. So everyone was like, all right, this is how the world is going to be from now on. And then it turned out once the pandemic was over, that actually most things didn't change and everyone kind of wanted to get back back to it.
And that would create like a massive destruction of value. As all these brands that popped up, Peloton, whatever, be real, be real, be real. I mean, you know, that was that was crazy. That was a bunch of French people saying, you just want to look at everyone's work from home setups. That was never going to work. Minimalism is not coming back right now. We need as much content as possible. Absolutely.
Well, yeah, as well as a bunch of companies that came up because they were like, you know, the thing people hate spending time looking at their phone. What if we created an app that stopped you from looking at your phone? What happens if we created an entire device and it's like people actually kind of like looking at their phone?
It's one of the sickest things you can do in 2020. It's going to be hard to find in the app store.
I've had a drone fly over my house a number of times. That's one thing. I'm anti-drone. I'm just putting it out there.
I think that they should be banned. I don't like them. They're uncomfortable.
I don't like the feeling of having a drone. Just fly over your house, pause. I mean, I can't imagine what it would be like for like a Yemeni or someone. Someone who sees a drone, then he's a whistle. Yeah, I mean, I've never experienced that. Even ignoring that for a moment, just like having a drone just hover over your house.
That's fucked up. Like we got to get rid of them. You can't even hit them with a laser pointer like you can do with airplanes you don't want above your house. I've heard people just buy a cheap drone and kamikaze it.
That's good. That's a good strategy.
So you just got to keep a whole like it's drones all the way down because like that's the whole thing, right? Introducing more drones into the drone economy. Well, that's what I wanted because I was looking up jamming devices on the internet. And like, I know I'm already on some lists, but you know, and I was like, if you knock out someone's drone using a jamming device above your land, like in your airspace.
Yeah. And the cops come around. Who's getting in more trouble? Like the drone owner or me? Yeah.
The cops aren't coming around. The cops aren't coming around for a drone dispute. Out of their jurisdiction. I wouldn't call them. I'm not talking about an Air Force issue, I think, mate. They're not coming around for drone on drone violence. Drone on drone violence, they're like, we've got hard solo to worry about. We're not coming around over a drone dispute.
But if you're firing a gun at it, we'll probably knock on the door. I think it should be open slathered on drones. Yeah. I'm calling it.
That's a worthy thing to worry about because it's like we all talk about privacy and all this kind of shit that a lot of the time we think about for five seconds and then don't worry about it again. But as for like that real kind of geographic privacy, that is something you can see being invaded. Well, I mean, you know, on the one hand, you have all your data is being slurped up by Facebook. You know, it's being sold to data brokers.
I mean, maybe not. But, you know, that's that's abstract. That's difficult.
Well, we've already given up on that. We've given up.
We all just know in the back of our minds, every single thing we do is being tracked. You've got to explain a bit. What's the difference when there's like a flying machine that's humming that may be driven by a pedo?
Yeah. You know, it's a much realer issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I genuinely think that I think drones are obviously as they get cheaper are going to be more common. But I do not believe in a future where there's like a million drones over our heads, like delivering parcels, this that and the other. Outside of all of the infrastructure issues, I just don't think people will put up with it. I think that we fundamentally like because we talk about this a lot on Downround, like, you know, the human mind was formed with someone waking up and looking outside a cave and seeing a mountain, you know, and that brain, it doesn't like something above it making noise.
It just doesn't. It does. Well, it's already happened. I guess this comes down to the councils, right?
It's already happened with the Lime scooters and Lime bikes. If you look at early days of Lime bikes, remember Bondi was just full of them before they had the engine on them because we would ride it down the bottom and couldn't be f**ked taking it up the hill. And now with these Lime scooters in cities like Brisbane and Melbourne and Darwin, when you get into an uncomfortable position, like a hill that your motor is not going to take you up, people just leave it there.
And eventually what happens is, particularly in nice suburbs, locals complain and complain, complain, complain. They don't know who to complain to, I guess. And then eventually what happens is this becomes a no-go zone. So that's, you can't take the ride share, ride where you get fined for parking one but you can't even motorise it in there. So I think that's where it's going to end up.
Whereas in maybe drone, I don't know, drone, it'll be very hard to monitor someone's drone where it can and can't go. Like you can't fly a drone into an airport. There must be some sort of jammer. There is a jammer. No mate, you can't fly a drone at Marrickville Golf Course.
Because of its flight path? Yeah, because it's within the zone.
I got a mate who, so you get a warning flashing up on your, whatever your controller device is. I got a mate out at, where are all the quokkas in WA? What's that?
Rottnest.
Yeah. He was out spear fishing off the coast of Rottnest and he had his drone up there and he was getting the warning. He was like, this is a military area, like take the drone down now. And he's like, whatever. What do you even do, military?
Look at me go. Like, look at this, look at this beautiful, like portrait of the sun setting or whatever.
And then, you know, gave another warning and then bang, $4,000 drone just collapsed into the water. Oh, they jammed you. It just jammed it.
Really? I don't think it's even like an individual decided to jam it. I think that it's just a computerized thing. I think you're right. The human brain is not going to allow the attack of the drones. But there are things that have come and gone in that time where we were promised by men on cocaine that this is the future. And NFT is what comes to mind. Where has it gone? Where did it really get to realistically?
Like we can talk about GameStop, we've seen the movie. We've all seen the film.
Yeah. I mean, the NFT thing.
It was sensationally ridiculous. It was reinventing the wheel of the most basic kind of example I can remember. Thinking back, we've said this before, like, it's hard to remember. They were everywhere. Jimmy Kimmel and Paris Hilton and during the NFL and whatnot, you were told like, oh, yeah, here are some images that you can buy for 50 grand that is going to triple this monkey thing. It's hard to remember that there was a period there of six months where your grandmother would be talking about NFTs, about these monkey pictures and whatnot. You couldn't escape it.
And that's now just gone. They completely evaporated. That is weird, right? Did that happen? Is it really gone?
Or are the believers telling you that it's coming back? I mean, there's believers for everything, right? There are definitely some like, you know, revenge type sitting around on Reddit or whatever and being like, you know, my pudgy penguin, you know, we're in a dark period right now. He's coming back.
We've spoken about this on DownRound how like, fundamentally, the technology is interesting when it comes to NFTs. And we've been speaking about it with a VC we had on recently, this is the kind of guest we have on DownRound, about how like, when you first heard about me, like, okay, this is kind of interesting. Like, you can have this kind of token that shows that you own, say, a part of a real picture, a real, you know, it shows that you have proof of ownership of some tangible thing. Then all of a sudden, though, it's like, you know, hear people talking about NFTs and you're like, oh, yeah, that interesting thing, like piece of technology.
And they're like, no, no, I mean, like this fucked up lion.
Like we're smoking weed. We're eating a beanie and smoking weed.
And it's like, you know, it's got the weird hat and it's got, you know, and this is worth $150,000. And then when someone says, why is the picture worth $150,000, there's no, no, no, no. This also gives me membership into a club of other guys who think this is cool. And like, we shouldn't tell like the latest though on this thing is cool.
Obviously, Bored Apes were the big one, like Bored Ape Club was the big one. And recently they had, they had their gathering, if you had a Bored Ape, you got access to the gathering. And then what was the outcome of that gathering? So basically the big story that came out of this, and this was, this was the first NFT story anyone had heard in a while. They threw this big rager in Hong Kong or Singapore. This is like, what, two months ago. And then all these guys were posting online after being there, they're like sick party guys.
I actually woke up this morning and can't see. Like I literally, I've opened my eyes and all I can see is blackness and it turned out all the lamps they'd used for the party were high intensity UV lamps.
Yeah. They weren't, they weren't trying to get like the UV lamps so that, you know, if you're wearing like white, it kind of looked blue and glowed, but they use like hospital grade and had just fried the eyes. So the, so the, the answer to your question of what happened to NFTs? Are they still blind? No, I think they're okay. Over time, apparently your sight does come back, but there is, some of them have permanently got damaged retinas. Yes. And they have obviously a much higher propensity to get cancer. They're trying to do like a fucking DMX video clip kind of like inverted colours, blue light shit. Yeah.
At the end of the day, it was the same thing, pandemic, people had some extra money burning a hole in their pocket. Maybe they were getting pandemic payments or generally you just didn't have anything to spend it on because you're just sitting around at home.
You got to put it somewhere, your regular investments aren't working. I'm going to buy this fucking monkey picture. And this hasn't really played out in a long time. Funnily enough, when your mate has never thought about money in his entire life. Says to you, you need to buy this monkey picture. It wasn't actually a good investment. I'm sorry.
I feel like part of me had so much hype behind it and so much like overrated expertise around it, or in fact over inflated expertise, I honestly thought it was still going, but you kind of tell me the last thing we heard is a bunch of guys went blind. I mean, there's still people buying and trading them. It's not the same valuation they were. No one is making the promise that this is the future of the economy. It's just a bunch of guys have a weird hobby.
Which we remember when they were. When they were. Yeah.
This was like, forget money. That cash thing, like banks. Well, you're putting money in a bank. Like why don't you have several hundred cartoons that you can use to buy things. It'll only cost you like 40 bucks a transaction and by the way, you're going to get scammed immediately and have them drained. And there's nothing you can do about it. So that's the money. What can I spend it on?
Well, I've got a monkey. You've got an ape. You know, you've got a lion. You've got a lizard.
We can make something work here folks. You know, there was one person who gave, who gave it a go and went public with how bad it went. And that was Jerry Harvey. And that's one thing I can respect him for.
He said he started to do some day trading, started to invest in some crypto, started to do this and that. He lost $8 million in one day and he thought, you know what the best thing is for me right now? I'm going to tell the AFR, so they're going to write this puff piece on me that makes it look like I'm, you know, you know, I'm in the same boat, my investments have gone down too.
And it just came off and being like, you fucking idiot, like you're all, you're worth a tidy bee. Just fucking put your slippers on and go into the next room. Stick to your computer monitors and washing machines or whatever it is you're doing. And also like pay back the job keeper that you obviously just spent on cartoons. Now is there a little bit of that kind of flash in the pan aspect with AI?
Like I know people are still using it daily. People who weren't using it six months ago, a lot of people are still using it daily.
But the kind of predictions that we had, was there some sort of regulation that's reined it in a little bit, or at least reined it in from vision a little bit? Oh, you mean the porno stuff? That's the most recent thing. But the idea of like films and fucking songs, everything's going to be. I think like AI, we both agree is different to crypto.
There's a there there. And anyone who's sat in front of using, you know, chat JBT or whatever, obviously knows, okay, something is going on here. Something here is pretty cool.
It's probably going to disrupt industries and change the way the world works. But there's still a huge amount of froth going on. And funnily enough, by the same people, there are so many people who are like crypto heads who have just made the transition to doing weird scams with AI. I think you could say something about there is this kind of fundamental thing, especially I think within like the male millennial head probably extends to Gen Z as well. And I mean, everyone in general, like a lot of people right now feel kind of alienated and powerless, right? They kind of don't love where they're at to get real for a minute. And so they just want to, they just want fundamental change. And like crypto kind of offered that it's like we're changing everything, banking, all that shit that like complex shit you don't fully understand. And then before you like we get rid of all of that, we've got this new paradigm and that new paradigm is going to make people like me and us who understand it and getting in early friggin rich. And then like AI comes along and it is super promising and it is definitely going to change things. And it will change like images and videos in the long term. But there's this propensity from certain people to just immediately be like, this is a paradigm shift and in five years, none of you are going to have a job.
Like if you don't understand it, like you're about to be made friggin unemployed and I'm going to benefit because I'm kind of in the know and I'm kind of a smart guy. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of a smart guy. Yeah. This like apocalyptic kind of thinking where like you think that you're doing something and part of something great because you're in a bunch of discord's kind of like prophesizing I guess. But no, but AI like, are people going to make movies out of AI? I think that one day they will.
Like all of these things right now, Google's latest AI video thing, it's like a five second clip that looks like shit. But a year ago it was an image that looked like shit. Now we've got images that look pretty good and all of a sudden we've got five second videos. Like you just got to kind of look forward to five, 10 years.
But at the end of the day, the thing that we come back to a lot is, yeah, I mean Check JBT can write you an article, it can write you a satire article. It just won't be that good. They're very dark, some of them. And with the right prodding and poking and like editorializing, you can probably get something good out of it. As long as you have good taste though, right? Like someone who isn't funny, I mean, we see it happen with Elon Musk and Grok be like, look at the funny joke that my AI thing came out with and it's dog shit because he doesn't know what a funny joke is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, see, for example, you know, on April Fool's day, the Batu Dravid does do some humor articles just for a local audience. Disrespectful, don't you think? No, see, last year we asked, we asked them to come up with one and it was just the the stuff it came up with was just very chauvinistic and dark and you guys wouldn't like just not fit for print, not very pitty, but like things like, like, like this computers making lewd jokes about certain conservative politicians being HIV positive and like people like engaging in like grotesque public sex acts and stuff like that. It's like, no, it's like, is that what that computer thinks? And you're like, well, we published it, but you know, it's obviously been looking at my, at my algorithm on, on Instagram as well.
It's like, you know, Scotty from marketing dies in forklift accident.
Now we're cooking in India. In Rajasthan.
Printed. It needs an editor, it needs an editor of the best. And there's no formula for the human spirit. Sorry. I mean, I don't know.
Check back in 10 years. Maybe there will be. But for now, that's what we've got. So now you're telling me it's pretty much being used exclusively by real estate agents who will, who will like, can you write me a pithy description for a two bedroom cease counsel flat. That's the thing. Like if you're talking about disruption for jobs and shit like that, they're the people who I think probably feeling it right now, if you're like an entry level copywriter or yeah, you're a guy that sits down and writes the descriptions on domain.com, you're probably getting severely disrupted right now. Yeah.
Well, like an SEO farm from like the Philippines or some country that has English as one of their national languages, but like the salaries are very low. The alley wage, those people who were previously tasked with churning out a hundred articles for a friggin recipe website.
Yeah. They've been replaced by AI. Yeah. That, I mean, that's the people who right now are feeling it for sure. And as for the people who are feeling disenfranchised, you say millennials particularly who are looking for some sort of major paradigm shift or major disruption, they don't realise it's also going, this technology is going to go the same way as everything else that's fucked them. Exactly. Yes. Yeah. I mean that kind of is a down round theme. Unfortunately. The fucking never ends. Unfortunately all this stuff is pretty cool, but like everything seems to be getting worse. It's like the post GFC austerity measures are now very profitable and uh, yeah, very polished. Yeah. Ship keeps rolling. Yeah. So one way to escape it just quickly is, is I've been seeing these new goggles from Apple. Oh yeah.
What do you make of them? Raph thinks they're very cool. I think they're cool. Even putting the technology aside, he just kind of wants to wear them as sort of a fashion statement.
Well, I didn't say that, but sure I'll be the one, I'll be the first to do it. I'll be the first one to walk down George street.
Well, I mean like the thing with that is, and this is something looking at porgs, like there was a legend who got, he just got arrested driving his Tesla in autopilot with like vision pro on like goggles on. That's just immediately, that's, that's the future. This is a common thing we talk about a lot, which is that for like, you can't drive a car. You just don't, you don't need to look out the window anymore. Just throw these things on.
For years people have been trying to figure out like what's, what comes after the iPhone or what comes out the smartphone. You know, it's a pretty, you know, a rectangle of black glass that shows you cool stuff.
Yeah. Pretty hard to beat. Yeah.
But you know, it's slowing down. People don't buy them as often as they used to.
What's next? And VR. What is just an Apple decision? Like the phone, right? Just like what, what's next after the phone?
People like the phone isn't making Apple as much money as it used to. We kind of realistically, has the phone changed that much in 10 years? No. It's fundamentally the same. And the EU won't let them make ones that break easy anymore. What's the difference between an iPhone 13 and 15 or whatever? Not very much.
They've kind of perfected it. The charging port. Yeah, exactly. But it's showing though, in their revenue, right? People are buying less phones. They're not upgrading as quickly as they used to before. So you're saying they've reached peak phone. Yeah. We've reached peak phone and it's not just Apple. Like, you know, Samsung, they try to do it like, all right, we've got a phone, but now it folds in half. Or it's shaped like a circle. We haven't tried that so many times since the 2000s. The fold. VR is the big one. The people think it's going to be this. That's why Apple's pulled the trigger on it. It's the next device. I mean.
Look, so I think fundamentally, if you were to say what is the best way full stop to consume content, and you're starting from scratch, you wouldn't say a tiny little rectangle that only takes up a tiny bit of your field of vision. But like your dopamine receptors are going to kind of black out, like horse blinkers, the rest of the world. And you're kind of going to be consumed by, like, you would say, well, a live sports, for example, you know, it's kind of pretty cool, but you know, something that takes up much more of your field of view. So like, from a fundamental level, something like VR does make sense. I do think at some stage, when it's a lot better, and normalize, we probably will be using something like that more.
Makes reality. Yeah, makes reality.
Is there any reason to buy one right now other than as a curiosity? I don't think so.
From all accounts, the Apple Vision Pro, you definitely get some wow moments out of using it, but it's uncomfortable. The battery runs out. There's heaps of things you can't do. Every company in the world is really mad at Apple because Apple are known fuckwits whenever they deal with any other company, because they've had the power for so long. So you can't even watch Netflix on it properly. You have to do it via the browser, etc, etc. It costs five grand Australian. You can't even buy one in Australia. There's heaps of questions about like, if you wear glasses, how well that integrates and doesn't.
YouTube's boycotting it. Yeah, YouTube's boycotting it, Facebook's boycotting it, because they're just like, you guys have been absolute fuckwits to deal with for the last 10 years and screw us on all of our apps and money and now you want us to help you with your new cool products?
Absolutely not. Yeah.
But you know, I do think that there's, in the future, I mean, sport, like watching sports sounds pretty cool on it, to be honest. First impressions, I thought, you know, coupled with like, 40 milligrams of diazepam, having that on an aeroplane would just be ideal. All the positive reviews I've seen come through, people were like, I was sitting on a transatlantic flight, and I had a cinema side screen watching Ted Lasso. It was the best thing I'd ever seen in my life. Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.
With the worrying trend being better than being asleep on drugs. That's hard to be, very hard to be. I mean, like one of the few communal moments people have left right is you and your significant other lying in bed watching a laptop, the same thing together, if you're even doing that rather than watching phones with like headphones in. And this is just like, once again, just making people want more and more and more just into the individual alone. And there's a big social shift has to come, like it is phenomenally anti-social.
Well, that's what I was gonna ask is like, I won't actually say the name drop because it's irrelevant.
But it was 2018 and I was sitting next to a musician at a concert, a musician that went on to be a big name from South Sydney housing areas, Housing Commission. The Kid Loroy. And it was a hip hop concert of which he was not interested in because it was Wu-Tang Clan. I just happened to be sitting next to him. And it was 2017 so he's like, He's like 14.
But we'd already like Snapchat was long gone by then, right? Everyone had figured out Snapchat was a bit smutty and maybe just for pedophiles using it for grooming.
And drug dealers.
Kids love it for like And he was still using it then and I remember thinking and I asked him, he said, I'm not on anything. I'm not on any of these social media apps outside of this one, which obviously, you know, he's had to build a profile elsewhere on different channels. And I remember seeing it then, that felt like a cool Gen Z Luddite shift, like snubbing all this shit we're on, all their mums are on, all this.
Is there any of that? Are there people walking out there around there and just not using the smartphone? I don't think so.
I think the Gen Z stuff is overblown because, you know, they all have like, they did the be real thing for a bit, as we talked about. Like they did, they had that app that got really popular with young people where like you would all take a photo at a party and then you couldn't see the photos until the party was over. And they have all these different things which try to say like, you know, we need to be cool and sort of spontaneous and not get locked into our phones, but it's all fucking technology anyway. It's all just new apps and shit. Even the other thing where he's like, I'm not on any platform, but I am using Snapchat constantly. That's just like, I think we're stuck on this fucking train. Well, I just viewed that as rather a Luddite kind of shift because he was, when we were that age, we were uploading 200 photographs of the house party the night before with separate captions and tagging every single person. From our Sony Powershot. There is kind of like a Luddite thing that they like to at least project that they're a little bit disconnected from us.
I mean, yeah, but the latest, literally like a few days ago, like 82% of people between the ages of 18 and 25 in the United States use Instagram once a day, you know, like the kids are online for sure. And like, even if, I mean, they definitely use it differently and they differently, you know, are in communities like Discord and frigging Roblox and whatnot in these kind of quote unquote, metaversity worlds and definitely live way more of their life and have their community online. Like, you know, I was hearing the other day about, you know, as a snow day in America and previously a snow day meant, you know, going out on your friggin toboggans or whatever. I don't know. I've never had a snow day in my goddamn life, but you know, apparently just like the usage obviously of like Instagram and everything just skyrocketed every snow day because kids just stay at home DMing the same people they go to school with. So I don't know, like, I think the kids are more online than ever.
They just, in fact, it's just so normalised. The kids are all right. Speaking of normalisation, that was something that we've talked about. Like, you know, in the same, Tinder was normalised for our generation to a certain extent.
It used to be seen, like online dating was a weird, smutty thing for perverts, right? Yeah, yeah, adult friend finder. You mean to say you found your girlfriend at a public toilet? Exactly. Like, why would you meet up with a stranger that you've met online? That's psycho behaviour. But like the same thing will probably be true of like people having their weird AI online girlfriend or whatever. Like right now, it's just like, that's a perverted thing to do. We probably should be on some watch list. But like in five years, you can imagine them being like, well, you know, 15% of the male population need an AI girlfriend.
That's just the way it is. She's so nice to him. Ask about his day. She doesn't nag.
Well, that was a big thing with one of them. Like Replica had these online, you had the AI companion we've spoken about. And obviously, like the majority of people were using it, you know, because they were lonely young men and they decided to turn off sexting. And there was a meltdown on like the Reddit forums because people had literally formed these relationships with these AI girlfriends.
And then all of a sudden, and where they're, you know, every night looking forward to kind of being like, oh, what are you wearing? Putting on Snoop Dogg or whatever. I'm wearing my Pentium dressing gown. And then all of a sudden, I was like, oh, not tonight. The AI girlfriend has just been like, I've got a headache.
And like, they felt rejected. Well, they dealt with it the way people who are already engaging in that kind of stuff deal with it. And that's got on Reddit. Well, they got on Reddit and had a whinge.
But like you were saying, they reversed that decision. Yeah, they reversed it. Yeah, because they lost a huge amount of their user base. They brought it down because like, you know, the same reason anything happens is regulation. The EU breathing down their neck.
Are you using this for pedo stuff? It seems pedo adjacent to me, what you're doing.
But, I don't know, they did. They have brought it back, at least in some capacity. Yeah, it was like with OnlyFans, how they were like, all right, no more porn. And then it was like, we want to get back to why we started this thing in the first place, which is for people to tip online gameplays. You know, like, it's like, it was supposed to be like a rival for Twitch. Yeah, like Twitch and Patreon and stuff. It got absolutely just inundated with pornography. Well, yeah, that was the OnlyFans thing. I mean, it's always been a bit dodged the way they've talked about it. They've always been like, oh, we've got lots of creators, you know, some people do cooking and it's like, well, what are 99.9995% of your users doing? They're jacking off, buddy.
My son is a TV cook. He's on OnlyFans. It's like, it doesn't have the same connotation. Oh, what is he doing on there? Where it's like, if he's on, it's like, he has a Patreon. It's like, okay, nice. There is a community that wants to pay him to cook. So he doesn't have to go to work. I think your teenage son's a pay pick. Yeah, he's got a lovely girlfriend elsewhere in the world.
Um, one thing I want to talk about is in these brief moments, and this isn't what you talk about, but today I'm really excited to talk to people who can actually answer these questions about the flash in the pans. And in these moments of excitement, heaps of shit often gets done and the brands want to get in first. I don't know if Be Real was a funny one. The short lived social media app.
I mean, the metaverse was a great example. Yeah, well, that's right. And the metaverse is what I was going to get to.
It's like, like everyone, like, you know, everyone rushed to get handles on each new app that comes out. That's the new thing. It's a new thing. They rushed to get the handles.
Nike, you know, um, if you get Nike, if you got Nike on Instagram at Nike, you said for life, and now the brands are trying to get in front of everything ahead of even these wise guys at home. But the metaverse was funny. When we first started hearing about it, all of a sudden we're seeing videos of like, you know, what Nike has already done and they've built a full blown fucking store and, and, and, you know, fully interactive, well beyond where anyone has ever gotten to since as a social media construct or just even an entertainment. Are there people there just roaming around making cash on these moments? Like someone's obviously been paid so handsomely. Oh yeah. Like, I mean, you know, the consultants always win no matter what's going on. There's always someone who's like, I'm the metaverse. Uh, I, I, I run a metaverse agency and if, if, if Nike wants to do an installation where it's like a bunch of weird little 3d guys hanging around in a virtual shoe store, I'm the guy to make it. Yeah. Like there's always people making money or stuff like that. Yeah. And also like, especially bigger corporations, you know, the marketing department, it's a great excuse to get a bigger budget for the next quarter, right? It's like, we gotta be doing this metaverse stuff. Nike's doing it. They've already got a shoe store, like where behind.
When we, we did an episode on the metaverse and one of, you know, one of our very few, but very impactful, uh, investigative journalism episodes was, um, Raf going into, what was it? It was, I can't remember what the platform was. It was one of the big ones that was floating around for a while. And the first thing you saw was like an absolute desert with nobody there except like a Jose Quavo installation.
Yeah. Or you could go and you could, you could, um, pick a Garvey or something. Yeah, exactly. They were literally, so I went into, like, it was the biggest one at the time.
I think I bumped into two or three random people who refused to engage when I was like, Hey, Hey, what's happening? Like, what are you up to? And they just like ran away. They might've been bots. I don't know. Or maybe it was something about my, my avatar was pretty shit, right? Cause I didn't have any NFTs or whatever.
So it was like pretty stock avatar and yeah, there was a huge, God knows how much this tequila company like paid to have this, yeah, this activation where you run around plucking a Garvey in order to kind of generate, I think like maybe a Mexican hat or something like that NFT, but yeah, there was not a lot going on. And then I went into like the poker, it was like, Oh no, the poker is really popping in there. Like this go to the poker place. And I went into the poker room and there was about 13 people there and just one guy being interviewed about his NFT art and someone just abusing him for like, and not being like based enough or some crap, it was just, it was a beautiful view of what the world, the future is going to be.
And, and, and a lot of these believers think that this whole decentralized world is so capable of policing itself, which is just like, I mean, look at any group of 20 people full stop, like go on a holiday with a group of people and then see what self-governance looks like. I mean, this all comes down to the fact that like brands and companies watched a bunch of kids socialize in Fortnite or whatever, which does happen. You know what I mean? Like kids have rich social lives playing with friends on Fortnite. It's not that different to like playing online games for millennials when we were younger and being like, that's what life is going to be like.
You're going to work in an office and do that. You're going to converse with your, your grandparents in there. You're all going to have fucked up little avatars. Your grandma's going to be like this big buff Yogi bear, you know, we're all going to be able to express ourselves purely.
I don't know. I feel like it feels like we're a while off.
The social change is required for people to accept that kind of shit. The other weird issue with the metaverse is it implied because like everyone was buying land, right? In the metaverse, you had to buy land in the cool areas, this virtual land. But it kind of implied that what you would do is you would kind of go to your virtual office or whatever in the metaverse.
And if you had a poker game or whatever after work, you would like virtually walk out of the office and walk down the street to like your friend's virtual house, as opposed to like, why wouldn't you just like, it's digital. Why wouldn't you just go like, now I'm in my friend's house. Why do you need this physical space that you're like, they haven't figured that bit out. You got to walk, you got to walk and look at all these fucking Nike. Yeah, we got to figure out there's going to be some outdoor advertising. That never really made sense to me. Like why it has to be like, here I go walking down the street. They do fast travel in computer games, for God's sake. Just buy a bunch of land in Idaho with a bunch of friends.
Yeah, exactly. Anyway, what are your predictions for 2024 in terms of brain melting, world shifting shit? Well, I think we're going to see a lot more about VR stuff because we're just talking about like, there's lots of, we've seen all these like cringe photos and videos of guys out and about wearing their vision pros, driving their cars, they're sitting in Chinese restaurants wearing it, whatever. And it's very annoying and it's lame. But they are actually doing it and posting it. So it's kind of like, I think there's going to be a lot of normal people who see that stuff and go, I can vibe with that. So we're going to hear about that a lot more. And the AI stuff, like, I don't think it's going to change the world dramatically, but we're going to hear about it in just so much. The AI kind of generator stuff is just going to become so normal. And I think that's the biggest fundamental shift, I think, between if you'd like today's date to December 31st this year, I think we'll be totally normalized to the idea that we assume every image is probably fake, of like, not our friends. But even then, of our friends, we'll start wondering like, is this fake? There's two sides to this. There's one, there's a celebrity thing where you just, if you see a photo of Joe Biden, you have to, your brain will immediately think it's probably fake at first and you'll look into it and it may turn out to be real, as opposed to default now, which is the other way around, right? Yeah. And then the flip side of that. Boomers aren't going to be doing that. No, no. I mean, like, you know, I have no insight into their minds, their alien minds. And then also, though, the subtle integration of AI on the other side, like all of your friends, like when you take a photo, when it already happens, when you upload to TikTok or whatever, your, you know, your face gets smoothed out. That will just become more and more and more.
You know, Samsung got in trouble for putting an AI moon in people's photos. Like it wasn't the moon in the photo. They AI'd a little moon there and people got mad at that.
But that kind of stuff, where like the photos you take will just have more and more augmentation, like AI augmentation will become more and more normal. And it would just be like normalised. And Polaroids are back, I guess, for the... Yeah, I mean, like they keep saying that. It all, I mean, there's different ways of how, you know, people need to think about now how you would like to keep your memories. I know we're all thinking about maybe one day deleting, you know, all of these fucking clouds and shit we have of way more photos we took of ourselves than any generation did before us. And you're worried about losing them. And they live in a data centre in the middle of Arizona. And you have kids growing up, like there used to be a bit of mystery.
Like, you'd see an old photo of your dad from your 70s and be like, oh, wow, look, look at that cool dude. And now they're just going to see fucking everything. It's a video of your dad just pulling a bomb when he was like 14. It's going to come up in a random memory, right? He's like, here is dad at a golf day in fucking 2018, having some ketamine.
It's like, I didn't need to see that. No one did.
Powerful memory, you know. Well, where can everyone find you?
Your video and your audio and your... Well, we're more audio than we are video. We do have the videos up on TikTok.
We've had one banger. Yeah. You've got one away. We've got one away. And we've retired basically from being seen.
But no, DownRound, it's just podcast, audio primarily. Yeah. Looks like one of your favourite podcasts player, same as anything else, DownRound. DownRound.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for having us. Thanks for having us. |
SaturdayNightLive | lake_beach_snl | Getting a little cold up, you know, the furthest south? Still like 90 degrees. now. In these parts we may not have the biggest cities, but we found something even better to do. Just met me on the dawn you sneak in the sea up late. Is that seven percent? For the pretty girls, I've got the same haircut down on the lake beach. drag my yeti down a two mile road. Every step I take him, maybe squash a baby toad, dop her in the water with a heavy ass load down on the lake beach.
My girlfriend didn't show up by my uncle's bed and he's not fun to play for. Bounced off the ground, that does not count. Relax man, he's just a kid. If he's old enough to play, he's old enough to know the rules. Take the bag off the board. That's how the pros play. We get shot, tequila shot we shot, got, a tennis shot back. I had a drink with a t-shirt deadline granny's baby ham getting fried in the sunshine, wrecking in the water, just having a swim.
Brought a horn with a green loaf of white bread but not any hay is not to swim that way because that's where bats are. That's where the bats are. Stay with the bats, they'll go over there. Half of the lake belong to the bats.
Next day we all see each other at church. Hey everybody. |
cracked | why_you_never_want_a_gotham_city_criminal_on_your_crew | All right boys We started in just a minute waiting on Frankie's cousin Carla. Sorry boss. You know, he's new in town. He probably got lost I didn't even know you had a cousin Frankie. Oh, yeah. He's from Gotham City.
Oh God I'm so sorry. I got my suit pinstripe and all the stores were closed I'll do anything to make it up to you anything.
Oh, don't worry about it. You're new to the city. It's understandable So you're not gonna stab me in the eye with a pencil and nothing to have you in the eye with a pencil No, we're not barbarians.
What's with the get-up? What back in Gotham? The bosses were really particular about our outfits Really? Yeah, you know matching costumes and whatnot. So does everybody knows what criminals that don't sound like a real Pragmatic way to run an enterprise we get caught a lot here. Regardless. We'll get you a regular suit later little Jimmy What's the story with this job?
Jeweler over on Bay Parkway hasn't been paying his protection money So we're gonna swing by there later on and it is show that's the Wednesday during the annual children's charity ball I think what charity ball. I don't know what that means. We're not gonna do that We're gonna hit him tonight after he closes like a normal robbery.
Okay, there's two ways to do this job boys It's either laughing gas or the other way. It's acid squirting flowers.
No, we're gonna use guns You'll have a gun you wear a ski mask very traditional get in we get out Bada-bing bada-boom Frankie what the hell's wrong with them Carlos stop acting so goddamn weird. I'm sorry It's just that in Gotham if someone were to say that in a crime sentence There'd be a big explosion when they said boom Frank. You're gonna grab the jewels little Jimmy's gonna be a back with a car That's it. What if somebody tries to stop us? We're gonna strap in anything or anyone with explosives What kind of irresponsible prick are you that's why we have the guns Should the cops try to I'm not worried about no cops. I'm saying what if someone else Tries to stop who other than members of the law enforcement community would apprehend us during our activities Oh, I don't know maybe some billionaire vigilante whose parents were killed in a random act of violence And who avenges their debts by fighting a rhyme Have one of those No, Carlo. We ain't got no crime fighting orphans There's a one really rich guy, but he's uh, I believe a software magnate Well past his physical prime but not even a mistress death or a shadow man or anything How exactly would a man who is a shadow interfere with our affairs? You mean to tell me that we just go there and steal these diamonds By using guns and to just get away in what I'm gonna assume here is a normal-looking car Like not even a drill car or a submarine car or nothing.
Yes, Carl. Cops This is gonna be so easy. How come everyone here? Isn't it crook? Look Carlo the cops generally aren't a bunch of incompetent.
Yeah, you get too cocky. You'll get pinched Oh, so what you know a couple of days there in asylum some nice food then Ray here comes with his drill car But it's right. Let me tell you something pal. You get put in you stay and you do it quiet Yeah, you start squealing and somebody's gonna come into your cell and open up your guts show you what they look like That doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun. That is correct. Crime is not fun shit, but the overtime pay Every muscle every blood vessel has desire and pressure built up in his You Know what?
I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe. It's a romance novel. There's a lot of good stuff in here I would give you the whole package That's euphemism for a dick |
dropout | dire_consequences_tiny_clothes | I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan. This episode of Dire Consequences is brought to you by Speedstick. We're about to do a stupid competition with an extreme consequence. Don't sweat it. Handle it! Let's do this! I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
We're about to have a thumb war. Loser has to put on tinier clothes every hour for the rest of the day. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Die! You're a human! I buttered my thumb, bro! You're done!
Kev's got no idea what he's in for. Oh, so crafty, so smart. So slippery. It's not over.
One, two, one, two, three, two, three, four. One, two, three, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
We're going to make you lose a cylinder hand. He wanted a villain, and you created one. After the last fiasco, he acted like he felt really bad, and you apologized and stuff. Now he pulls this shit. I'm never going to trust him again. At least no one can say I didn't give him my all.
Kev, it's about time to move down a size to say aloha to your first outfit. Great. Surf's up. OK, flop flips are comfy. Let's start the day. I know you've been enjoying life as a chill dude, but now you're going to have to move on and become a modern businesswoman. Oh, this looks sensible.
Oh my god, you're such a slut. Oh, that's terrible. Don't break your ankles. I want to say empowering, but really, I just feel like an idiot. But I don't know what's coming next, and it could be worse. Yeah. Oh no, this is worse. I usually wear like a 33, so this is half of my waist.
Ready? That got hurt. Oh, there you go. You got it. Take me to the finish line. Yeah.
That looks so fat. It looks like someone's just like squeezing him out of a jeans tube.
I just ordered food because I was hoping it would get here before I have to do my next change. I have a feeling that the reason the camera's on me right now is because that did not happen.
So I know that George's not uncomfortable, so we got you a nice little skirt. Oh, thanks. And then we got a sweet rainbow turtleneck to go with it. Not perfect. What a great dress for you.
You're so bad at putting on children's dresses. Whatever. Leave it alone. Go away. You're acting like a child.
This is now across the point for me from being funny to sucking. I feel like if I flex hard enough, I could break this. That's better. That's so much smaller. Just tear out of that one. Yeah. Oh, oh my god. It's a onesie. How am I supposed to get that on?
You're just like a shitty mermaid. This is terrible. This sucks.
There are two pieces, and each is smaller than what you have on. It's like a little kind of diaper-y guy. You got this little duck guy. This looks like the beginning to the worst porno ever. It might be.
As much as I really don't want to touch your junk or anything, I totally want to see you in more pain. Oh, no. So I got to get you. Yup. That doesn't go any further. I should go arm first. Why is your head so fat? Come on, man. Yeah. Oh, man, this is great.
I didn't really realize until today, but babies are small. You know? I feel like a kind of really weird prostitute. I don't know.
So funny. Let me have my dignity. Who wants my business card? Wow, Kev. Today was embarrassing. I mean, I showed up.
I had a maroon shirt on. Some other guy had a maroon shirt on. And was like, what? How many people are going to wear a maroon?
You know what I mean? Yeah, my fingers are going numb right now, so I know exactly what you're talking about. OK.
So let's get one last picture with this room full of strangers and people we work with. One, two, three. Kevin's dressed like a baby. |
cracked | the_most_poorly_planned_heist_ever | The East Quarter has been compromised and I am out of SWAT Team lingo that I know we- Dan? Thank you! How are you doing here? You're lucky talkies! Michael? We have lucky talkies?! Dan!
We're almost through the firewall. Just give us 20 more minutes, okay? Get it! Michael, I'm pulling out! Do you read me, Michael?
Batboy is down!
Hey, uh, this is feeling secure and you're, uh, pretty much surrounding, so, uh, we're just gonna come in, okay? Do you have megapults? Telegram for you, Michael. Ooh! All right! Telegram?
Yeah, you wouldn't know.
Yeah, you wouldn't know those, huh? Your people, it's all smoke signals and underarm farting. Not my people, Michael. One cannot own a New England man.
G to the ASP! If what I'm reading is accurate- Is that a picture? Yeah. Of a letter. Yes, that's true. Why is that true?
Well, Benedict Arnold always cloaks his communications. Benedict Arnold, the notorious American traitor, he sends you telegrams? No! My heist buddy, Benedict, is named after an egg dish, and his favorite comedian, Thomas Arnold? You have a heist buddy? Benedict Arnold has arrived. We have an intercom?
Swaim! Swaim, you delicious man! Come here! Get outta here! Mwah! Oh!
This is my assistant, Daniel, who's never actually made clear to me? I trust you received my communique. Is Tom Arnold the most underappreciated comedian of our time?
Hello! Hey there. Hey.
Good, good. Uh, listen. Do you have a moment to spare? Yes. That's actually accurate. Oh, me? Yes, yes, yes. All right.
Here's the lay of the land. I've assembled a crack team of hot chalks and hooligans and stylish introductions are in order. First and foremost, myself. I've Benedict the turncoat Arnold. Swab, confidence, man, and gat about.
If there's a door that leads to where you're going, I can get you through it. Especially if you're a dude. Rick, Astley, Mick Blindo, fittingly named. I'm gonna get you through it. Especially if you're a dude. Rick, Astley, Mick Blindo, fittingly named.
Blind by day. Night hacker by night.
Mandy, she bangs. Mandersons. Demolitions expert. A foxy vixen with a short temper and an even shorter fuse. Also, she hates being called she bangs.
So a dude can beat the shit out of anyone with a chain. Dude is nuts with a chain.
Okay, so this is all very neat and stylized. But what, uh, the hell? What's happening here? You guys are pulling out, you all pull off heists together? Why is this the first I'm hearing of it? Well, because, Dana, you're the mark. So, let me get this straight.
You guys are gonna break into the crack serve room and hack the vault open. We all vault? Then you want me to sneak in there and steal a priceless comedy artifact that allegedly inspired the greatest article of all time. Well, we'll be occupied, you see, with the hacking. I've been to supervise when I hack. You want me to do all this despite the fact that there's an entire security team guarding the hallway leading up to the vault, a state-of-the-art defense system that's never been breached, and cameras trained on the room 24 hours a day?
Yes! I don't think you know what a mark is.
I should be at home right now watching TV. I've got a whole season of Cake Boss on DVR.
Oh, gross! That's it. Next time I go with Dan and Rick Hacks, these instructions you left me are impossible. Oh, indeed? And where were you during the planning phase of the montage? Eating gummy bears in the pool, Benedict. And you know that. Now, does this look like a sex or a screaming human face to you? Sorry, old boy. Just the way the crumpets scone, as they say.
Stop it. Stop it! It's all I told you, it's not happening, man. It's your uncle. He's got that! Manny, do it now! Stop it!
Hey... They did that. Whoa! Oh, Benedict! Is that you? Ow! Fuck you! Gun kick! Dan, are you okay?
Yeah.
The boat was stopped by this. Golden poo. Also my vest.
Ha ha ha. Ha ha. It is the funniest comedy artifact ever. But wait.
How did you know Benedict Arnold was going to betray us? Benedict Arnold betrayed us?
But why? I had the golden poo! This is so dumb! Well, then why'd you have Mandy blow up the ceiling? They were really bad at heist, Michael! I don't know what I'm doing!
I stole a bus, so I drove it into the sea, I think? Can we just go home before the cops find out that I killed like a bunch of them?
I don't think this is real gold. Is it? It's chocolate! Hold on. It's not chocolate!
You're blocky talkies, Michael! We have blocky talkies?
Damn. We're almost through the firewall. Just give us 20 more minutes, okay? Get it! Michael, Michael's pulling out! Do you read me, Michael?
Batboy is down.
Hey, uh, this is feeling secure, and you're pretty much surrounding, so we're just gonna come in, okay? Yeah, megapults. Telegram for you, Michael. Oh! All right. Telegram? Yeah, you wouldn't know those, huh? You're people. It's all smoke signals and underarm farting.
Not my people, Michael. One cannot own a New England man.
G to the ASP! It's a picture. Yeah. Of a letter. Yes, that's true. Why is that true?
Well, Benedict Arnold always cloaks his communications. Benedict Arnold, the notorious American traitor, he sends you telegrams?
No! My heist, buddy! Benedict! He's named after an egg dish and his favorite comedian, Thomas Arnold. You have a heist, buddy? Benedict Arnold has arrived. We have an intercom!
Swaim! Swaim, you delicious man! Come here! Benedict! Mwah! Oh!
This is my assistant, Daniel, who's never actually made clear to me. I trust you received my communique.
Is Tom Arnold the most underappreciated comedian of our time?
Hello! Hey there. Hey.
Listen. Do you have a moment to spare? Yes. This job is totally meaningless. That's actually accurate. With you? Oh, me? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. All right.
Here's the lay of the land. I've assembled a crack team of hot chalks and hooligans and stylish introductions are in order. First and foremost, myself, Benedict the turncoat Arnold. Swab, confidence man, and gat about. If there's a door that leads to where you're going, I can get you through it. Especially if you're a dude.
Rick, Astley, Mick Blindo, fittingly named Blind by day, Night Hacker by night. Mandy, she bangs, Manderson, demolitions expert. A foxy vixen with a short temper and an even shorter fuse. Also, she hates being called she bangs. So just X name on that?
And the brains of the group, Michael... Brain?
Shane Swain, the head honcho, the big cheese judge, jury, and executioner. Also, dude can beat the shit out of anyone with a chain. Dude is nuts with a chain.
Okay, so this is all very neat and stylized. But what the hell? What's happening here? You guys are pulling out... You all pull off heists together? Why is this the first I'm hearing of it? Well, because, Dana, you're the mark. So let me get this straight.
You guys are going to break into the crack server room and hack the vault open. We are a vault? Then you want me to sneak in there and steal a priceless comedy artifact that allegedly inspired the greatest article of all time. Well, we'll be occupied, you see, with the hacking. I've been to supervise when I hack. You want me to do all this despite the fact that there's an entire security team guarding the hallway leading up to the vault, a state-of-the-art defense system that's never been breached, and cameras trained on the room 24 hours a day?
Yes! I don't think you know what a mark is.
I should be at home right now watching TV. I've had a whole season of Cake Boss on DVR.
Oh, gross! That's it. Next time I go with Dan and Rick Hacks, these instructions he left me are impossible. Oh, indeed? And where were you during the planning phase of the long time? Eating gummy bears in the pool, Benedict. And you know that. Now, does this look like a sex or a screaming human face to you? Sorry, old boy. Just the way the crumpet scones, as they say.
Stop it. Stop it! No, no! That's all I told you to do. Manny, do it now!
Hey, Benedict. This is the worst! Oh, Benedict, is that you? Fuck you! Gun kick! Dan, are you okay?
Yeah, the boat was stopped by this. Golden poop. Also by this. It is the funniest comedy artifact ever.
But wait, how did you know Benedict Arnold was going to betray us? Benedict Arnold betrayed us?
But why? I had the golden poop! This is so dumb! Well, then why'd you have Mandy blow up the ceiling? I'm really bad at heights, Michael! I don't know what I'm doing!
I stole a bus, so I drove it into the sea, I think? Can we just go home before the cops find out that I killed like a bunch of them?
I don't think this is real gold. Is that... It's chocolate! Well, don't... It's not chocolate! No, you didn't! |
dropout | full_benefits_ditching_dan | Good morning. Oh my god. What's wrong? Your breath smells like hot garbage. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh Jesus, would you have her dinner as sh**, burrito? No I had hot pasta.
Psst, David. Everyone's gone.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm not gonna have sex with you in the office. Dammit. Hey, but now that you brought it up, aren't you just a little bit interested? No, I just thought we could leave together for once.
You got it. I can apparently go gunslinging. Really? Alright, I'll find a range. This time of night it might be hard to... Hey guys.
Oh, just snagged a vanilla pudzies. Did you know this is a healthy alternative to chocolate pudzies?
Actually, I don't think that's true. Uh, cool then.
See you tomorrow, man. Oh hey, you guys leaving? I'll grab my man purse.
Did you just get a pudding? Finished! Oh man! I know, I can't believe it either. He ate that pudding so fast. What?
No, now he's coming down with us. Okay, do not panic.
I've got a plan. I have to go pee. Did you know that brontosaurus is a... This is your plan? No, I just had to go pee. Who said anything about a plan? You did, like two minutes ago. Oh, you know what the plan was to go pee. Okay, new plan.
We wait here for like 15 minutes. That'll be gone. What do you want to do in the meantime? So you were thinking what I was thinking. Shut up. That must have been a do's of a poo's. You know what? I just remembered I did nothing today so I'm gonna stick around and catch up on some work. Oh, bummer.
I'm gonna head out with Dan. So, see you tomorrow.
Are you sure you're not forgetting anything? There was something I was gonna do tonight but I already did Just to be sure though, shouldn't you do it again? I think once was enough. I'm pretty satisfied with how it all turned out. Yes, but you could never be too sure. David's right. You should definitely do that thing again. Yeah, now that you mentioned it, Dan, I could probably do it better a second time.
See you tomorrow. Oh, no biggie smalls. I'll wait for you guys. There's always work to be done. You guys ready to go yet? |
cracked | why_donald_trump_made_the_worst_snl_episode_ever_cracked_responds | Guys, you watch Donald Trump host SNL? Here's his monologue. You have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So why are you hosting Saturday Night Live?
Why? And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. Yeah, it's just dog shit. It's there.
I mean, monologues aren't always great, but he comes out here to remind you that he's been mean to Rosie O'Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean, but completely accurate.
I'm certain that his handlers, if he has any, someone around him was like, here's one thing you need to do. You need to stand side by side with the people who do impressions of you, because Daryl Hammond famously did impressions and Tarrant Killam does them now. And if you don't do this one visual thing where we see them next to you, no one's gonna think you have a sense of humor about yourself, all you need to do is this one thing, and then the rest can be a nice commercial for you running for president. As long as you stand and do nothing, allow people to stand next to you. So this one group said that they would pay $5,000 to any audience member who says Trump's a racist during the monologue. And they even, like, SNL robbed that, robbed the world of that opportunity by having Larry David do it. Trump's a racist! It's Larry David. What are you doing, Larry? I heard if I yelled that, they'd give me $5,000. There, diffused. Now no one will do that. I wanted someone to do that for real. See how he would react to that when a real person is calling him a racist to his face instead of Larry David, another white billionaire, for like maybe two seconds. Karen Killam, not doing an impression, legitimately does like a, ugh, like Trump sucks kind of face.
Oh, good. Love it. That's the whole episode. That's great. Because the entire episode I've just kept thinking like, someone do anything.
Yeah, just like, no, fuck this guy. Just like stand up, just walk away. Aren't you fine being fired at this point by the morning hand, throw a pie in the face.
Halfway through into your first term and prosperity isn't an all-time high. In two years, you really made America great again. This first sketch they did of the night was this White House 2018. There's not a single joke in it. He meets with his advisors, he's president in this narrative. And they take turns saying, Donald Trump, you're doing a really great job and everything is so much better than it used to be. And he's like, it sure is. I think the only thing that qualifies as a joke is one of his staff members is Omarosa. Keep up the good work, Omarosa. You're doing fantastic.
Which is a timely reference here in the present. Sure, probably even timelier there in the future. This is my favorite moment. His actual daughter walks in and does the like pause for applause. Perfect timing, Ivanka.
How is the White House, how's everything going? And how are the renovations doing? Total silence.
Everyone's like, who is that? Is that new cast member?
Why is she so bad? The sketch was pitched either it's the future and things are terrible because of Trump or things are amazing. Like there's, they watered down both versions. Right, we're gonna do this sketch where you're president to show off how delusional you are and how impossible your ambitions are. He's like, yeah, but wouldn't it be even better if I'm not? Dial down the tongue in cheekness of it and just say like, I did it. I mean, I could see the sketch of this as like a character on SNL playing Trump, but straight up just like Trump who has done bad things and wants to do bad things. They cap it off with him walking out of the sketch and going direct to camera and saying, when I'm president, you're wrong.
It's going to be even better. This is like the humble version. In real life, things are gonna be even better.
Another example of him breaking the fourth wall is this live tweeting sketch where he opens by sitting in a chair and saying, he was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn't wanna rehearse. I didn't feel like rehearsing and I'm an actual goblin, so I'm gonna live tweet this sketch and then it's the cast doing a sketch and he live tweets like, Taron Killam is a jerk, you know, he says mean things about the cast. I am out of patience with my wife, Camilla. What do you think he just tweeted? Man. Probably something with like Kenan and Kenyan, right? What is the joke of his fucking life? It seems like real life. It all reads like he comes in with these unrealistic expectations.
Like, I'm gonna host a Saturday Night Live. You guys are gonna get ratings and an exchange. You're going to make two commercials for me that require no preparation or rehearsal on my part and I'm going to poo-poo every single like vaguely controversial thing. So every single like vaguely controversial or funny idea you pitch. Yeah, I think you said it when it's like there's no joke because that is just what he would do in real life. It's like, Satter's supposed to hold a mirror up to society to like criticize it, but we're just putting mirrors against mirrors so now we're in like a mirror room where everything's just confusing. We usually bring like self-serious celebrities on to show they have a sense of humor about themselves. Like, make fun of Trump a little bit. Not make fun of these hard-working people that are making these commercials for you. What if we make fun of the fact that I, Trump, make fun of everyone?
Also, he's only in this episode for 12 minutes. Like 12 total minutes of Donald Trump in this hour and a half comedy show.
That's like everyone on Twitter is like, oh, I'm gonna boycott this episode. It's like, well, but now I wanna talk about how much I hate it so that everyone watched it. It's tough because you wanna boycott it. You also wanna watch it to see what a shit show it is. I wanna watch it so I can scratch the part of my brain that lights up when I get to feel hate for something. Again, don't hold the cast or the writers responsible.
No, like they're in an impossible position and I know how businesses work. Trump will give NBC great ratings that will be enormous ratings. Yeah, it was great for them. And if you're running a business that normally, like SNL has gone through years of not having great ratings. And I think this is like a pretty clear one for us. Two decades from your head of situation.
Right. Yeah.
Thanks. Bye. Don't vote. |
cracked | if_the_cracked_office_was_succession | Hey, if you could just sign up, I'm fucking budget. Guys, we want comedy. We want entertainment. We want something in the site, guys.
You're giving me some e-card swill from 2012. You want to put it on a bumper sticker? You want to put it on a calendar?
Grow up! So you take a boss when he pegs you in the a**? fuck you. Aww, just maybe he gets numb once before making a video that's gonna get 15 views. How's it feel to be the CEO's favorite little b***h? fuck off. Yeah, great. fuck off.
This looks like someone in Alaska took a fucking flight home from Peru to just take a dump on the landing page. Ugh, these commenters. Oh, boo-hoo. Oh, we want the whole crack bag. You're going cracked. Less taste than a stale stick of fruit shrimp gum.
fuck off.
Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you. Hey, fuck off. Hey, come here for seconds about that. What's up? You want to put it on a bumper sticker? You want to put it on a calendar? Grow up!
Oh, okay. Instead of eating bread? Nothing, and you grab your. That's pretty sweet. Pretty sweet. ehe , ahh. I can't see it. Oh, yeah. Very sweet, and spread. Look at the calories on it. Less taste than a stale stick of fruit tripe gum.
Just fuck off. fuck off. fuck off!
Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you. Hey, fuck off. Hey, can you come here for seconds about that? What's up? |
cracked | the_impact_of_ice_cream_on_world_war_ii_cracked_fiend | I'm ready yet, so what do you want me to do till I can lead you in? No, no, no, I think I'll just start. Okay, number one.
Kind of cold open stuff. Okay, what makes sense is about ice cream Carl favorite ice cream flavor go What's the Ben and Jerry's one that's awesome fish food that one don't don't kick that Wrong, it's rocky road. Oh We don't have that over here The whole reason it's called rocky road is because it's supposed to help you through the Great Depression and the stock market crash they brought it out like right after the the the markets crashed at the in the 20s and was like This will help people's lives are ruined Like nobody has any money and we're entering what he's going to be known as a Great Depression Let's eat ice cream. That's that's kind of amazing because like the the hacky trope for when someone's depressed Is them just sitting there crying eating ice cream and that was right for an entire country. That's amazing Yeah, and it sort of just shows America's weird weird ass fascination with ice cream, especially compared to other countries the main thing that I was gonna talk about is basically In World War two You know, the whole world is at war everything needs to be rationed America is the only country on either side that refused to ration sugar because We thought that makes not make ice cream. Yeah, so everybody else did I think Britain said hey carrots are like just as good Oh, yeah, that's not a thing This is a real thing during World War two during rationing kids would be given a carrot on a stick as a treat a sadder Just sigh than a child who's like had a really rough day. It's like look don't worry We've got a tree for you and it's just a carrot on a stick right and by a really rough day It's it's like a bombing raid or something. I mean, it's the worst time ever and so you kind of make sense Americans are all about Freedom and ice cream, I suppose. So we were the only Maybe the only country at all that didn't ration sugar Specifically because of ice cream and my favorite story about how this played out So it it went to the troops, right? So the troops had to have ice cream as well And there's this battle going on in the Coral Sea Maybe it was the Battle of the Coral Sea and the USS Lexington, which is an aircraft carrier Maybe gets hit and it's sinking.
Yeah, it's a boat. It's a big boat very long.
Yes. Yeah It starts to sink and the sailors are told that they need to jump overboard cuz you know There's gonna be no boat in a minute and they say that's a good idea But first they all ran down to the cafeteria or no the mess hall or whatever And they filled their helmets with ice cream and then jumped off So I guess Well, we saw here waiting for rescue as we've been straight by machine gun fire from passing airplanes What else are you gonna do? But just like you shove like you got full ice cream I suppose but it feels like you'd really want to wear that helmet if there's there's active Japanese fighter planes shooting at you in the water you'd want some protection But I guess ice cream made them feel better about it. Like maybe we're gonna die.
But hey, we got rocky road Yeah, just like shoving a helmet full of ice cream and like you spoke about rationing and I think over in the UK We did ration almost everything but there's a couple of things that weren't rationed. One of them was fish and chips for a similar reason So I'm guessing sugar not being rationed over in the United States Fish and chips were not rationed because they were seen being so integral to British identity and morale That's funny. That's so important for people to be able to have fish and chips and have that some some semblance of normalcy I think it's the same with alcohol as well Where alcohol was rash was never rationed but they just raised the price so people could still go to the pub After a long hard day at the factory or getting like go through a bombing raid, right? That's so interesting. So that's funny because when I was reading about this, I just thought oh Americans are you know Dumb and they needed ice cream when everybody else was was rationing But it's just maybe every country needed whatever their specific Identifier so Americans got ice cream the British got fish and chips. Maybe Germany had Vienna schnitzel. Yeah And beer I think Jimmy it wasn't met up that I mean things to give all their soldiers They did ration the meth but over in the UK. There was like a couple of other things that were rationed but they were seen as being against so integral to like British morale that they would like find a way to get them to people and one of which was oranges and Oranges were only allowed to be handed out by doctors and they were given to pregnant women because vitamin C was so hard to get During the war the other one was bananas Which were seen as like the ultimate treat and they could only be gotten from the tropics and they could only transported in Okay, leave like refrigerated boats which were all commandeered for the war effort So immediately after World War two they got several refrigeratorships to bring like thousands of bananas to the United Kingdom And then gave like one banana to every child That's so great because you know how much how Frickin pissed Americans would be if that was our treat at the end of a wars like hey bananas I'd be like what the hell I'm here for the ice cream.
Well, for some reason that reminds me too of Just the way that our our relationship to food changes They used to give prisoners in America Anyway, lobster because they thought it was gross and it was cheap and nobody likes lobster and then at some point I don't know the prisoners liked it too much or something that somebody was like, hey Lobster is great. We should we should charge $30 a lobster or whatever and and now prisoners don't get lobsters anymore I wonder how long they were holding on to that secret. They're like, this is great. Don't do this is delicious The deliciousness of the lobsticks. I think that the facts I've heard about lobsters is that they were so plentiful They used to wash up on the shore in piles like five foot high. That's why they were seen say well Surely something this plentiful can't be good Right We should give it to our prisoners.
Yeah, you just look at a feel past like a million cows deep and go, come on Do you not get? in the UK and like British forces I see it seems to be just as integral and I'm going back beyond World War two there were Battles that were won by the opposing forces against the British because they attacked the British during tea time. I Think it was doing like maybe the war of independence There was one battle where the British were having tea time They just did not expect anyone to attack after like 4 p.m. So why would you attack at dusk?
That's stupid You can't see anything a fact about the British Army that I adore cuz it just sums up Britain is that every British Challenger tank has to have a kel installed in it They have to have like onboard tea making facilities for the soldiers inside That is amazing Actually, that that's great too because it's it wasn't built in in the same way But the American bomber crews what they would do is they would take ice cream mix and they would they would just hang it From the bomber then they would go on a mission, you know blow up a factory whatever and then come back and then the cold air and the vibrations from the from fiery guns that Like the enemy or whatever would churn the ice cream mix and turn it into ice cream So they would have a little treat and they got home from murdering people or whatever This is how similarly with British so I think World War one to stop guns overheating they would generally put bags of water over the barrel and Soldiers and surprising soldiers at least soon learn if you put a tea bag in that bag of water Shop the gun for a few minutes and then pour the water out You had perfectly piping hot tea and they had to eventually be like stop doing this. You're wasting ammo to make tea It's funny. I love the idea when people are just Weapons are so plentiful that they're using that to do something as basic as cooking tea in a good way We're basically approaching that scene of a Simpsons where homie is a gun to open a beer We're at that level Essentially with this it's like during Vietnam soldiers would burn c4 To set fires that get asked why you're doing this because it burns better than anything we've got They would burn it like they would just blow it up or they would just use it It's tinder because it's so stable that you can set it on fire and it burns for a couple hours basically a candle So they'd use just C4 to light fires and another one I remember reading I was an accountant the Vietnam War and it's a grenade pins Do you have the whole thing about pulling a grenade out with the grenade pin out with your teeth? No, that's basically impossible because the cotter pin I think it's called is like got several pounds of force behind it And it's common practice for soldiers to fold over the pin to stop you coming out accidentally I remember reading an account from a guy in Vietnam who walked into a tent and saw someone using his grenade as a coat hook As in like you put a grenade and then hung stuff from the grenades pin because it has like well You needs like so many pounds of stuff to pull out the pins. It's like okay. I'll use it as a coat hook It's like some people just don't care to them That's so wild to me. I guess it's when you're in a war zone and people are actively shooting at you You know what's what's messing with a grenade or setting c4 on fire?
Make you out of a tank or whatever It's like that's where bomber jackets came from isn't it the idea of like the customized bomber jacket that Air Force pilots and stuff would wear Yeah, they would get criticized by the commanding officer for customizing their jackets. That's military issue You can't do it's like well We've got a lifespan less than a fucking mayfly when we're in the air What do you care if we do this and that's where the idea came from because like we're gonna die anyway Might as well go out like well die lucky stylish Yeah, that's actually so even on that exact same thing the whole reason that we hang well We don't anymore, but people used to hang fuzzy dice in their mirrors like of their of their like greaser cars is because Pilots were dying so much They would hang real dice from their planes as okay sort of a good luck charm And then it got back to America and they were like well What if we just start hanging them in our cars like they were they're they're dangerous thing was like hot rod racing or whatever Yeah, they would hang dice and then of course We get further and further from what it's supposed to be and the dice just get less They're not actually diced anymore. They get bigger and pinker and fuzzier And so by the time you're at the 70s or 80s, it's just some asshole with But it's supposed to it came from Fighter pilots in World War two thinking that they were gonna die at any minute and looking for any way to sort of give them Good luck or something like that. Oh, man. It's a shame We never got to the idea someone's hanging like a rabbit's foot from Like their window because then you could if you like, you know Did the same thing with the die so they get larger and fuzzier that could result in some point like an entire stuffed rabbit just round Their mirror for good luck, but there was again like, you know people doing all those who they brought back like a you know A new fashion. That's where t-shirts fucking came from like t-shirts were seen as like undergarments exclusively And but I think it was sailors on ships when they were working down in the engines will take off Like that sailor dress uniforms wear their undershirts and then realize these things are kind of comfy So they wear them when they were on leave and things like that So like foreigners saw them and thought oh, well, this must be American fashion. It's not America It's just you know, it's members of the military just like, you know dressing down, but they thought oh, wow American fashions of t-shirts became fashionable Just a bunch of dudes walking around in their underwear and they're like, yeah, that must be what Americans do That's funny because that's actually I think Britain also had a similar thing in World War I think one where because they were having so many it might have been two but there were so many bombing raids That people were always running out into the street in the middle of the night whenever the alarms would go off and so Eventually, they were like I want to look better When I do this and so they that's where pajamas came from like nice looking pajamas is because People were tired of running into the street and these you know Ridiculous like modern pajamas these massive nightgowns or they were stepping in their underwear or whatever. So they were they were Putting on fashionable pajamas so that while the buildings exploded around them. They still look hot to their neighbors or whatever Yeah, and I love like that was you in the blitz because the blitz was just one of these weird times in British history where people just stop giving a fuck and there are stories and I think this is where like British stoicism is like the idea the British stiff up a lip and was like just Crystalized because there are stories of office workers walking through just a destroyed town Finding their office that was now just like, you know, a pile of rubble dragging their desk out of the rubble and then starting work That's wild. Yeah, and there's like that famous image.
You've probably seen around a miltman on his rounds The day after a bombing ray, which I think was staged But it was only staged because an actual miltman could not be found because he'd already finished his round Right, that's awesome. I don't think you could have made Americans do that unless you know They found rocky road in the in the ashes just just fill everything with rocky road Like I want like those bulletproof fridges that Indiana Jones hides in just full of rocky road everywhere One final ice cream to World War two connection to America Whatever that I think is funny is, you know ice cream was constantly being used as propaganda Not propaganda, but kind of like a morale booster and whatever and there's this just this freakin wild Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs Bunny I Think he he he like storms Iwo Jima or like one of these Pacific Islands and encounters a bunch of Japanese soldiers who are portrayed very negatively and he calls them things. You shouldn't be calling people But I think he placates them by giving them ice cream They're gonna mention the one where he accidentally tunnels his way to Nazi Germany Because that's where the famous bug's putting line. I must have made a wrong turn alberkerky He was first altered in like a World War two propaganda short You know Where he kicks the shit out of like several members of a Nazi high command and then he personates Hitler It's like oh you forget that just these things have been around so long that bugs bunny For example before he was playing like basketball with Michael Jordan LeBron James. He was Going to Nazi Germany to help end the war effort.
It's amazing how many So obviously there's a lot of technological innovation that comes from war But there's so much ridiculous cultural innovation that comes from it as well war is bad But sometimes some really interesting things come out of it. They do. Yeah, it's what we get tampons from and superglue Yeah, a topic for another day Yeah, that's war is justified so that we can get tampons and ice cream Doesn't these I know right now so there's no way that war resulted in the invention of tampons and superglue And they have to wait for the next episode that is how you get people come back That's why we're professionals |
dropout | hardly_working_house_of_cards | Oh my god, Pony is so cute! Yeah, he's usually more playful, but he has the sniffles. What guy?
Suffering. I have no tolerance for suffering. I'm gonna snap his neck.
No! Stop! He said he's sick!
Sam Reich, as I live and breathe. Sam Reich calls the shots around here. Lucky for me, we're about as close as conjoined twins in wintertime.
He's about to promote me, the head writer. I'm promoting Pat Castles to head writer.
Shit. Sam, with all due respect, you promised me that position. Yes, but then you tried to kill Quay's dog. So... no. Well, Sam, I think that is a terrific choice. You okay? Pat Castles deserves that job like a porcupine deserves a medal of honor.
I'm gonna pull the tablecloth out from under him so all his dishes come crashing down. The trick is to do it fast. Well, no, then all the dishes stay on the table. I wanna do the opposite of that. The point is, I'm gonna do a plan.
Hey man, we missed at the party last night. I was wasted.
Check out this photo. That is just too damn funny. Would you mind texting that to me? New York Times? Yeah, I've got photographic evidence that the new head writer at College Humor is a bit of a party hound. You don't care. Yes, hi, New York Post. You hung up? Okay, Marlboro High School Chronicle. You only cover student matters. You have a lovely evening. You know, I have a friend at Tumblr. Do you? Uh, so what is this about? Last night, Pat Castles was out partying till the grass grew dew.
I need you to make a post about it. Um, that's not really how Tumblr works. I mean, you can't just make news stories on it. You're more than welcome to post it yourself.
I have two followers. One of them is my wife.
Sorry, I can't help you. Oh, fuck. Do you have any interns I can sleep with? Hey, thanks for the donut, Josh. You enjoy that, Owen. That's more than just a box of donuts. That's leverage. Owen owes me a favor. Yeah, let's just call this even Steve's Easter when I helped you move last week. God damn it.
Did you try to kill Quay's dog? No, anyway, Paul, what's a guy gotta do to get fired around him? Let's see. Um, poor job performance. Missing too many days. I suppose if you punched somebody in the face, that'd do the trick.
Good talk. Oh, hey, Josh. What'd you want to talk about? So...
Isn't this annoying? I guess so. Almost as annoying as everyone in the office says you are. Doesn't that make your blood boil? You know, Bill Cosby says the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
I kissed your girlfriend. Wow. You know, that's between me and her, though. Okay, are we good?
Because I'm gonna go get a sandwich. Punch me in the face. What? No, Josh, I'm not gonna punch you in the face. I said punch me in the face!
Ow! Oh, my God. Oh, ow, dude. Oh, good.
Don't jump, Paul.
I feel really bad for what I just did. Who do you keep talking to? |
cracked | the_4_ways_we_travel_in_the_modern_world_are_about_to_suck | Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away, I can do the fly a plane. I don't know any of the other lyrics to that song, because that song is an artifact from when flying was cool and planes were jazz bars. Today, flying has got another bummer of a transportation system that you have to sit through.
Staring at your phone, even when that staring could kill you. We're boring ourselves to death.
We need a next technological leap that'll make going places awesome again. And that leap is coming. The problem is the designers of our next human travel experience don't seem to have ever met a human.
Today's airline seating brings out the worst in us. Actually, worst is the wrong word. That implies airline seats give us the energy to do anything other than sit, fart, and slam our seat back into a stranger's sternum. But expect a higher chair mark on your upper body soon. Because Boeing's fitting more people onto their new planes with the novel strategy of putting the seats closer together.
That's it? That's what you got?
Of course there are more creative cabin space solutions than that, because this is the future. And those solutions are horrifying. Because the future is horrifying, and you would know that if you read books.
Airbus patented this design that asked the question, what if airline seats didn't involve sitting? So look forward to a cross-country flight where you'll stand around like an antsy paratrooper who has no parachute and just as much desire to jump out of a plane. And in other torture concepts, the world's largest manufacturer of airline seats patented an interlocking seat design. Because nothing improves the most cramped flight you've ever been on, as much as a stranger staring you in the face as your knee grazes their groin.
Meanwhile on Earth, car drivers will soon be self-driving car passengers. Now we've always wanted two things from cars, speed and safety. And the people behind self-driving cars will give us so much more of neither of those things. As speed goes, current prototypes of self-driving car systems operate as a linked network.
Sort of like trains. And in case you've never heard of trains, they're a transportation method so slow and infuriating. Most people believe the myth that Italy saw fascism as a price worth paying for less awful rail. Simulations suggest that a network of smooth, train-like robo cars will get you places slower than analog driving, let's call it. Also those simulations don't account for any delay due to pedestrians crossing streets.
Even though it's not like you can just eliminate people from a... Well, I mean, you can eliminate some, but you know better, right? If you don't, cannot recommend books enough.
Anyway, your automated road box might be sluggish, but at least it's unsafe. Because according to the excellent design podcast, 99% Invisible, self-driving car designers struggle with the question of adding a manual override option. Somehow those designers, who I am told are not sentient robots, think will enjoy feeling like Johnny Cab passengers. Even when we want to change lanes quicker, or avoid a system error that's putting us in harm's way, or use the custom Fury Road steering wheel we ordered from Etsy that hasn't even come yet. It's gonna be so shiny and chrome! Planes and cars are the Pepsi and Coke of transit. If you're using any alternative to them, it feels weird and you're probably trying to save money.
Hey there, bus riders. Your next stop is the future! Because the government is giving city buses some pretty advanced tech, specifically surveillance tech for spying on you. The Department of Homeland Security's cameras and facial recognition software are some designers' answer to your wish that bus rides could somehow involve more weird stares from strangers. And hey there, hashtag teens.
The electronic skateboard is your next radical ride. A ride hackers can remotely take over to toss the rider off for fun. It's like, who could have known skateboarders are mischievous? They're real scamps. Let's face it, transportation designers are like John Hammond's velociraptors. They find a way to ruin everything.
So if you'll excuse me, I'll be riding the one form of transit I can trust, all the way across the city of Los Angeles, California, to- Guys, thank you so much for watching. Subscribe and like and be a friend. Also comment about how you're going to get around when all of these horrible things happen. Will you be teleporting? Very exciting. Will you be walking?
Do you still have that razor scooter? Do you still have two razor scooters? I could use one. |
dropout | and_you_thought_fyre_island_was_bad | It's 1822. My name is Gregor MacGregor, welcome to Poie, a small country near Honduras. This place has everything, fertile land, fish and game, democratic government, a bear burgeoning business district. Even gold delivers. The only thing we don't have is you. We need investors and settlers. Buy now and I guarantee you'll make your money back. Or my name's not Gregor MacGregor. I'll take four.
Wait, something's not right. Is this someone else's land? Worse, it doesn't even exist.
There were no buildings or roads, no area of the land. The whole region was inhospitable, untamed jungle.
Does that make sense? Gregor MacGregor is one fake ass name. Actually, that part is real. Really? Shit.
MacGregor just had to make the land look real to sell it. He made fake illustrations of the scenery, fake government documents and printed fake currency. He designed a flag and military uniform to even compose fake Poiean ballads and had them sung in the streets of London. That sounds like so much work. It paid off. He sold land to hundreds, got a 2,000 pound loan and traded Poiean bonds worth billions in today's money. He even convinced seven ships' worth of people to settle the land while he stayed safely back home.
Thanks for visiting. Eat shit. He seems nice.
The settlers thought so too. MacGregor was so charismatic and his lies so enormous that even after they arrived, they refused to believe that they had been tricked.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'm sure there's an explanation. Definitely. Then the captain of their ship laughed without telling anyone. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool. Then came the rainy season. People caught malaria and yellow fever. Cool, cool. One person shot himself in despair. Cool. After six months, someone from British Honduras arrived and told them that Poie didn't exist. Cool.
250 people left for Poie. At least 180 died. To this day, the region is uninhabited wilderness. Well, what happened to MacGregor? Nothing. The survivors blamed the expedition leaders and publicists. MacGregor was tried for fraud but acquitted. He lived comfortably in Venezuela for the rest of his life. Bummer.
See, even if your lie harms people, you don't need to be punished. He should have been punished and you should be too. Remember that hyena birth year lie meant we had to see disgusting horror. You thought that was disgusting.
Wait till you see what's next. If you liked that episode of WTF 101, I have good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Ooh, tell me more. Well, Dropout is a new premium ad-free and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor.
Where do we sign up? Just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Free trial? But we want to give you our money.
Ho ho! How's everyone enjoying the wondrous land of Caledonia? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bernard_Fanning_Tells_the_Truth_About_That_Plane | Did you go from the tour, you know, touring around in the van to Toowoomba and the like to two planes? I mean, you ended up getting your own plane, but you didn't go from van to plane. When was it that you noticed how things are different on the road as a member of Powderfinger?
Okay, just let me clear something up about that plane. Yeah, this is probably very necessary. It wasn't our plane. It was a Jetstar plane and Jetstar, might I add, on our biggest tour, we were flying on Jetstar. But they were, the reason that we were involved with those guys was that they were donating a tonne of money to Yallari. So that was part of the whole tour idea. Yeah, the plane, plane idea wasn't, it wasn't my idea.
Wasn't communicated very well through the photo of you all standing in front of us. It wasn't, was it? It was horribly communicated.
Like, you'd have a look at that image and then you're like, well, this could be like Elton John's plane that's got a, you know, like a piano up in business class. Exactly. Like all these lounges in it. But yeah. But it was, yeah, it was just your standard issue Jetstar with fucking 700 other punters that were on their connection to fucking Cuda. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_java_developer | Yeah, I can write you a hello world right now. Let's start with the test suite. Portability.
I have worked for this company for 30 years and it was Java for 30.5. The advantages of Java, the idea behind Java, the reason for Java. It's the JVM. Yeah, I work in a corporate, but a lot of startups use Java.
Not that I've worked in any of them. I don't think C++ is better. Not that I've worked with it.
Yeah, we learned Java and Uni. Oh, Eclipse is so 2009. It has clean code and a clean architecture, which makes it perfect for serious business. Solid principles, design patterns, OOP.
No. Garbage collector. I haven't heard anyone.
Big decimal.
For serious business. We don't actually use Java, we use Scala. NetBean, Java EE, Spring, Java Bean, Java Spring. I work in a corporate. We got a 401k, financial benefits. 9-5 is the new thing. I spend my time writing exception types. JavaScript and Java are totally different things. It's like comparing in, I don't know, I really don't know. We keep our code nice and clean.
I'm in a hamster wheel. No, I drink coffee not for the taste, but for the effect.
I love Java because it's safe, portable, and maintainable. I drive a Prius because it's safe, portable, maintainable. Java. Do you know why it's called Java?
Let's see. Big decimal. Illogical syntax sugar. Yeah, I can have a look. Let me debug that. We need to catch everything. It's like baseball.
NetBeans? Yeah, I know. Have you heard of Kotlin? We don't actually use Kotlin, we use plain Java.
Big decimal. This is serious business. Portable. It's a big decimal. Do you know what type of coffee this is? |
dropout | I_m_Horny_For_Every_Fictional_Car_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening. And welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jack in the Box. And I'm Mrs. New Booty. Congrats on the wedding, by the way. I told you it was small so we couldn't invite everyone.
Yeah, sure. Anyway, news tonight about former viral sensation, the I Like Turtles, Zombie Boy. He's all grown up and you won't believe how he feels about turtles. That's right, Jack. When questioned about the almost 15-year-old video, Zombie Boy was quoted saying, I think turtles are just okay and please stop calling me Zombie Boy. And checking in on Charlie from Charlie Bit My Finger, he's still a baby.
I miss the days of YouTube when things were silly instead of radicalizing. I ought to make a classic 2010 style viral video.
Oh, yeah? What would you do?
I would put a slip and slide down my parents' stairs and when they wake up and go watch them go. Two flights set of stairs, it goes down and then they pick themselves up, it goes around. People were mean on the internet back in the day and they would absolutely laugh at your old mom falling down the stairs.
This sounds like an epic fail. I apologize.
All this talk about turtles really got me going. When I was a kid, I was very horny from Raphael. Very horny, I'm getting worked up for Raphael from Teenage Muntin Ninja Turtles. He took a bath in one of those movies and that was it for me. What other fictional characters get you aroused?
Oh, a ton, baby. Let's go down the list of my 10 favorites. 10, Kuchow, the guy from Cars. Forgot his name because I'm so horny for him. 9, Herbie Fully Loaded, the entire movie.
Are these all going to be cars? Yes. 8, Thomas the Train Engine, kind of a derivative but still a car technically. Tank Engine.
Wally, horny for that robot, that space baby robot. Oh, no. Stuart Little, of course. Who could forget that baby mouse? Oh, my God. Not a baby. Well, he's baby to me. He's my baby. Stuart Little 2, the same character but from the second movie.
I see them as two different sexual entities. Pokemon, Ho-Oh, the legendary Pokemon, horny when I saw that character. It's a flaming bird, guys. Crazy.
Moltres. Moltres, yeah.
That was fictional to me and very sexual. And then the last one, you know, saved the best for last. The Water in Pocahontas. Interesting. My list is completely different. Ten fictional characters that I am horny for.
The fox in Robin Hood. The fox made Marion also a fox in Robin Hood. The big lion king in Robin Hood, not Lion King. The king with the snake that sucks all the rings off the fingers, also in Robin Hood.
Damn, that was a horny movie. The daddy rat in Ratatouille. Oh, look at those little fingers go. Brock from Pokemon. That guy wants to fuck. Also Moltres. That bird is on fire and baby so are my vagina.
Sandra Bullock's character from Miss Congeniality. Oh, that's a good character. Also Benjamin Bratt's character from Miss Congeniality. And then number ten, Ash from Pokemon. But if he wasn't a child, if he was an adult.
Speaking of horny, it's that time of year again. Whatever season it is at the time we're filming this is in full swing. That's right, and it wouldn't be whatever season it is without hearing from our resident clown, Giggles McFun. Hey, hey guys.
I have a very special segment planned for you. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Stay steady enough to get the lipstick on. Today I'm going to teach you how to juggle.
Okay, you toss one, wait, you toss one and then the other. Okay. Unsuccessful already. Okay, so now let's go, let's add another one now that we have that on lock. Okay, so you try to toss it to your other hand. Right there. That was pretty good. Okay. No, don't lie. Wait, one more. There's really not much to it. You throw one ball, then you throw another. Then you throw another. Don't drop them.
What's wrong, Mrs. New Booty? Nothing.
I mean, I guess that was pretty cool, but I was actually hoping you'd teach us how to make balloon animals. I thought you may say that. So, we've got it. Alright, so you stretched out the balloon. It's also nice if you are a clown to have a shtick while you're doing this. I haven't thought of one yet. It's just nice to have. Alright, this might be as far as we get.
No, no, no, no. They've provided me with a classy pump. Oh, no. It just sucks back the air. No, no, no. This is going to... There you go. You're going to go a lot faster than you think because you're...
Oh, and it's back down. It's back down.
That's how they work. Okay, faster, faster. And you've got to leave some air in the end. Okay, so then you tie it up. Who wants an animal?
Whoa, oh my God. That was incredible.
Can you make a pig, please? No, I want her to make the concept of ennui. Ooh, I'll make a pig that's full of ennui.
Okay, so you twist, you twist, and it'll stay. Okay, so you just make it stay like that. Okay, so this is the pig. And then you have his body. And then you have... Very dick and balls. And then you have another leg. And you have to twist them together so it doesn't fall apart. So now you've got a little porky pig. And then he's sad because he's got ennui. Oh, wow. I think I know two moves. So then you just make his tears. And that's it.
Thanks, Giggles. I love that crazy son of a bitch. Me too. Wait, I'm receiving breaking news.
A robbery on Santa Monica Pier. Our correspondent is live on the scene. Chip mint chocolate chip here at the pier where the robberies occurred just moments ago. Chip, could you tell us what the suspect looked like?
Oh, I can do more than tell you. I can show you. I can do a caricature.
All right, so... It's a fish. What the... This is ice. Damn, that was nicer than I expected. Pretty impressive. Oh, my God.
He's happy. He looks very happy, yeah. He's a very happy man.
It's like... Caricatures do have the big ass heads and the little ass bodies. Oh, yeah. I also feel like caricatures are usually a little more mean.
Not this one, though. I don't have that ability as an artist.
No discerning features at all. If you see this person, alert the authorities immediately.
Mrs. New Booty, is everything okay? Yeah, no, I guess. I was just hoping I would get a caricature too. Wow, you are really needy today. Hey, back off. How about this? I'll draw you both together. Great.
Make mine on the body of a beautiful lady, please. And make mine full of ennui. Oh, right. Remember the tears. Big... To show ennui. ...beautiful woman. This is the body or the head? This is the body. We got hands as big as those titties.
Mm-hmm. Beautiful hair. Okay, a little generous with the head there. It's a little more square. All right, I'll take it. Okay, I see it. Now... Okay, I have the same hair as Alfred. A little bun, little bun. It looks like a Davy Crockett hat. Yeah.
The hourglass curve of your body. Wow.
Bingo, bango, jingo, jango. Your catchphrase. That's it for us on Breaking News.
But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Amy Vorpahl. As punishment, Amy Vorpahl, conveniently already there, will have to make a balloon animal of a fictional character that makes them horny. Okay, that is gonna be Tepig, the pig Pokemon full of ennui.
There. Okay, there. |
cracked | 7_movies_that_don_t_realize_they_re_horror_movies_after_hours | You guys think Leatherface knows he's a bad guy or was cutting up hippies Just like working for his dad's law firm for him like part of the family business I'm just happy to be putting food on the table. See I always assume the monsters know that they're jerks I mean you can't put on a costume and go around terrorizing innocent people and still think you're the hero, right? What up, Bojos? Scored us all stomach ache from some stupid kid who was fleeing me F***ing Soren. Okay rescinded Madam black aren't they already the bad guys in their own narrative ever wondered what it would be like to Die in a plane crash not in the Will Smith movies Those films show this shadow government organization as a group of fun-loving BFFs We were just trying to do its best for society But really they are actively preventing first contact just so they can make a quick buck off of some Velcro So pace for all this we hold the patents on a few gadgets that we confiscated from out of state visitors Velcro microwave oven very blood-soaked racket gobbling up human progress and leaving behind a foggy trail of memory diarrhea. Oh So you just flashed that thing it erases our memory and you just make up a new one a standard issue Neuralizer and that we cast stories the best you can come up with no I'd rather have just vague memories of my husband leaving me than one very vivid memory of him becoming an alien ski mask Don't you think it's a little bit weird that Vincent and offer His wife's gonna get told by her neighbors and family about the one time she told the press that her husband's skin was stolen by aliens And she'll have no memory of doing it. That is some Varsity level gaslight. Okay. Well, if we're going to talk about lynching and nightmares then I'm gonna talk about Pleasantville That the other one where the wife from face-off masturbates a tree on fire. What? No Actually, oh yeah You're right.
That totally did happen No, it's also the one where teenagers get sucked into a wholesome 50s sitcom and completely upturned their society Yeah, it's supposed to be this subtle allegory for race relations and ends up being this painfully transparent allegory for race relations It's like once you become enlightened you stop being black And white, excuse me What only by learning that these are real people with hopes and dreams Do we have to accept that the original kids are teens replaced where essentially just snuffed out of existence? this means that the Enlightenment all started when two alien beings inhabited or snatched the bodies of two unsuspecting teenagers and then to everybody resisting It feels like an invasion. Wow, that is a that is a dark interpretation of racial progress Yeah, but that's always the draw of pod people right progress and uniformity at the cost of identity Hold up. I'm losing track of who's an actual racist. We're getting off topic It's one thing to accidentally participate in some horrific universe But I want to talk about straight-up monsters characters that we perceive as heroes who actually prey on the fears of others Oh Beauty and the Beast We said we weren't gonna do monsters with a heart of gold. Also, I'm not mad But Disney is sort of my jam at the beast the house Imagine that you're one of the villagers that Gaston recruited to go monster hunting your traipsing through the forest for a couple of hours expecting to see like I don't know wild bear or an uppity-cappa bear that already dragged a family off into the forest And then you see a spooky castle and ma'am crudely murdered by a bunch of fancy furniture curbs dumped by decor The surviving villagers never even see the beast I mean they go back to their provincial life Rambling on and on about this demon house to try to eat them like hungry hungry hippos That is literally the plot to a Japanese horror film called house Hogwarts Hogwarts has everything Beauty and the Beast has but better possessed objects moving paintings monsters Literal ghosts, I mean your average non-magical person stumbles upon Hogwarts. They're gonna be making chocolate frogs and they're Whatever British people wear instead of pants breeches, but who's gonna stumble upon a secluded wizarding school I mean the whole success of the Harry Potter franchise counts on the fact that muggles are oblivious to magic Okay. Well, first of all, they prefer to be called no match now. It's Katie Katie's the racist My blood and even though Non-magicians are often very oblivious. There are countless instances where we see that's not the case Like when I you know, little witch boy first starts growing his sorcerer glands Thanks Much like HP my adolescence was a series of conspicuous animal mishaps and want explosions But to any outside observer that Charming rite of passage looks like the fumbling first steps of the antichrist talks to animals can make stuff happen with his mind Gnarly forehead scar Wow, that is literally Damien from the omen and that's the non f-ed up wizard I mean imagine what all the people at the orphanage thought of mini Voldemort I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me Harry Potter isn't even the only Supernatural coming-of-age story that mirrors the works of the devil Jean Grey from the X-Men she is the exact clone of the fire summoning people exploding Carrie from the Stephen King book except with less naggy parents Now these all feel too easy to me Of course Supernatural powers are gonna be confused with demonic attributes like accusing things that we don't understand of being witchcraft is the default setting of humanity So superheroes sci-fi and fantasy are off the table.
What's left magical romantic comedies? Is that a genre groundhog day Benjamin Button stranger than fiction the time traveler's wife wings of desire the lake house bride of Frankenstein Bride of Chucky bride of the monster bride of the gorilla. Dr. Jacqueline. Mr. Bride eyes bright shut stop it My brain can't not categorize these match rom-coms are like the perfect origin story for an entirely new type of slasher film the supernatural stalker you ever see what we want a creepy womanizer is given gender-specific mind reading power is so powerful that he can communicate with dogs Now imagine if that power wasn't given to Mel Gibson But some lunatic who has no respect for women or authority or an entire race of people. You're right He is totally a psychic beast master in that movie and instead of becoming dr. Doolittle or catching lady criminals. He just uses his powers to have sex real good.
Nick Marshall is a sex And permanently messes up Marissa Tomei, and I'm not nuts not undesirable Rejected by another guy or go back and rewatch love actually everybody in that movie acts like a wolfish maniac There's an English waiter who goes to the middle of America just to try and find some strangers to fuck There's a guy who videotapes his best friend's bride For his own collection and has never really spoken to her before calling first flies to France to go find his housekeeper and propose to her After he saw her naked in a swamp Don't forget Liam Neeson makes his ten-year-old son breakthrough security at a jumpy post 9-11 airport What's this have to do with horror everything everything that everybody does in that movie is terrifying crazy and irrational Especially if you imagine it as a one-sided act imagine a guy comes to your house in the middle of the night with these Hobo love cards I mean that's Cape Fear behavior 99% of the time and the most haunting part is that nobody seems creeped out by any of this It's like there's some sort of Brain-eating virus that's sucking away at their danger sensors the love in love actually is actually a plague These aren't a bunch of different vignettes that we're watching This is a story about an outbreak moving from one person to another and fundamentally changing human behavior lovely, you know in the original script Rowan Atkinson was supposed to be like a angel just tugging at the heartstrings of all these people just Just shitting on their free will for fun What keeps him right? What the fuck gives him the right? So you've seen love actually like a bunch, huh? Did anyone win it feels like nobody won.
I think Soren deserve some points for passion Good costume too like the great attention to detail with the bloody nose. Oh My god, my nose is bleeding. Why didn't you tell me my nose is bleeding?
Am I wearing a hospital gown? Why am I wearing a hospital? Was I at the hospital? Did I get hurt?
What is all this candy doing here? Why are none of you doing anything? Why are you all sitting there? Why won't you help me help me?
We will when we're done eating the candy. Yeah, geez Calm down. Yeah Who's who all the Rolos already? Hi everybody, thank you for watching that episode of after hours Of course, this one was sponsored by Werther's Werther's the only candy you might find in the pockets of your dead relatives Werther's if you're there or there Werther's where there's a Werther there's a Werther There will will there Werther's Werther's days Well, there won't there That's good enough wasn't worth it. Yes, it's worth it |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.