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cracked	the_embarrassing_aftermath_of_the_mayan_apocalypse	Mm-hmm. Oh, fuck you, Kathy. Oh, hey! Look, here he is! I'm surprised you guys are safe with all the zombies outside. What with it being apocalypse, huh? Look, don't start. I spent all night keeping watch. I didn't even have time to cut this thing off. I just skipped breakfast. You want some beans? I got, like, 800 fucking cans of beans, because then you can barter with it when the society collapses, because somebody said that the apocalypse was happening. You know, my dad had a saying. Never raise your voice to a man with 26 knives strapped to his body. Christmas is coming up in a couple of days, so we got a shot for that and my family is getting beans. Mine's getting knives. So, apocalypse didn't happen. You actually went through with the end of the world orgy. Yeah. Look at us. What are we going to do? How many of those posters did you print out and hand out around town? Five thousand. We look like idiots. Hey, speak for yourself. I had six straight hours of weird sex last night. Each act a stepping stone on the path to experiential enlightenment. So, you know, I'm talking super weird. Creepy weird. Kind of a woman with one of those sex with a guy with a sandwich board outfit. Crazy one. And her friends from Craigslist. More of a sex gang. Really? The dudes were the worst on account of the penises. Did not count on those penises. By the way, Soren, why'd you think there were going to be zombies? Mine calendar doesn't mention zombies at all. Zombies are just so in, you know. Plus, I'd like to think that this outfit is suitable for any emergency. You know what I like to think? I like to think. You, one of the Paco sappin'. I think you wish you could dress like that every day. That's fair. You know, I got to say, though, thinking of just sticking with the plan. I mean, let's be honest, these bridges are burned. Why else do you think I'm still wearing the sandwich board? This was not a rental. She's kind of ritualistic apocalypse orgies every all the times. It's just a cult. You're a cult man. You're a cult guy now. Cody, last night. All of society's rules ceased to exist. It was the most liberating thing I've ever felt. Yes, the apocalypse didn't happen. But let's live like it did. Starting now. He's got a point. We cannot be the only ones in this situation. We could start a whole movement. After all, if everyone just keeps acting like society collapsed. Socio collapsed. And then people will need... Boner! Bean! Fearless leader! This is good. Because I'm pretty sure I killed some homeless guys that I thought were zombies. You what? Let's do this! What? Yeah. Hey, I'm Michael. I'm wacky. And I end all the videos. So boopy do. Check them out. Subscribe. I don't know some fucking bullshit they're making us do for the YouTube channel. This computer is nothing. Oh, fuck you, Kathy. Oh, hey! Look, here he is. Surprised you guys are safe with all the zombies outside. What was it being an apocalypse, though? Don't start. I spent all night keeping watch. I didn't even have time to cut this thing off. I just skipped breakfast. You want some beans? I got, like, 800 fucking cans of beans. Because then you can barter with it when the society collapses. Because somebody said that the apocalypse was happening. You know, my dad had a saying. Never raise your voice to a man with 26 knives strapped to his body. Christmas is coming up in a couple of days. So we got a shot for that and my family is getting beans. Mine's getting knives. So apocalypse didn't happen. You actually went through with the end of the world orgy. Yeah. Look at us. What are we going to do? How many of those posters did you print out and hand out around town? Five thousand. We look like idiots. Hey! Speak for yourself. I had six straight hours of weird sex last night. Each act a stepping stone on the path to experiential enlightenment. So, you know, I'm talking super weird. Creepy weird. Kind of a woman would want to have sex with a guy that's sandwich board outfit. Caught unicorns. Crazy one. And her friends from Craigslist. More of a sex gang. Really? The dudes were the worst on account of the penises. Did not count on those penises. By the way, Soren, why'd you think there were going to be zombies? Mine calendar doesn't mention zombies at all. Zombies are just so in, you know. Plus, I'd like to think that this outfit is suitable for any emergency. You know what I like to think? I like to think you, one of the Paco sappin', I think you wish you could dress like that every day. That's fair. You know, I gotta say though, thinking of just sticking with the plan. I mean, let's be honest, these bridges are burned. Why else do you think I'm still wearing the sandwich board? This was not a rental. She's got a ritualistic apocalypse orgies every all the times. It's just a cult. You're a cult man. You're a cult guy now. Cody, last night, all of society's rules ceased to exist. It was the most liberating thing I've ever felt. Yes, the apocalypse didn't happen. But let's live like it did. Starting now. He's got a point. We cannot be the only ones in this situation. We could start a whole movement. After all, if everyone just keeps acting like society collapsed. Socio collapsed. And then people will need... Bodeen! Fearless leader! This is good. Because I'm pretty sure I killed some homeless guys that I thought were zombies. You what? Let's do this! What? Yeah. Hey, I'm Michael. I'm wacky. And I end all the videos. So boopy do. Check them out. Subscribe. I don't know some fucking bullshit they're making us do for the YouTube channel. This computer is nothing.
dropout	I_m_Here_Outside_of_Gene_Hackman_s_Movie_Trailer_Breaking_News	From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh or make a little cummy in our pants. I'm porkin' my dad. And I'm me, Mario. We're here with tonight's top stories and if you don't like that, you can come to my apartment to yell at me. Don't put that on the internet. Come at night when I'm sleeping. I sleep, I sprawled out, definitely naked, I have no central air conditioning and so there is a small AC unit that is blasting directly at me. I have like all those colored bulbs and stuff and sometimes it's nice to fall asleep with the one that's on my bed in like a little purple hue. I tell you what, young people are going to save us. When I look at folks like Greta Thunberg and the Sunrise Movement and I'm inspired to stop working on hard things because the kids are on the case, my favorite teens are, oh, my. One teen, any child under the age of 18. How old is Zendaya, anyone? That's the thing, Zendaya is like all the people that I think of as teenagers are no longer teenagers. Oh my God, is this what it's like to, I'm getting old. Okay, well, that was a complete failure. I don't know, Spider-Man's not even a teenager anymore. I don't even know. In other news, today is National Communion Wafer Day. Communion wafers, put a man in your mouth. Local churches are anticipating a huge influx of parishioners on for a weekday. If you've never been to the weekday mass at a Catholic church, picture a priest doing the most rote, muscle memory service he can manage for 18 of the oldest hags you can imagine. You might think they'd be friendly because they're filled with the Holy Spirit. You'd be wrong. Weekday Catholics haven't smiled since Kennedy was elected. They treat the service like more of a job than the priest does. I hope they go to heaven just to make the time input worth it. For National Wafer Day, get yourself into the back room of your local church, don't look around at anything else going on, and grab a fat stack of wafers. Yes. My, no, I won't, I won't. My favorite flavor's white. And my favorite flavor is also white. Hold your horse, girls, hold them tight. I just heard that we've got breaking news coming in from our Metro reporter, C-So, my P-So. Thanks, Ima-Me. I'm here outside of Gene Hackman's movie trailer, just waiting for him to die. I don't bear any ill will, of course. He's a treasure, but he's an old treasure, and a scoop this big could change my life. Guys would want to be me, and girls would want to beat my ass raw. Earlier, I thought I heard him die, but turns out it was just a PA eating a bagel real loud, and not the sound of Gene Hackman's mortal soul leaving his body. I gotta say, C-So, I'm a bit disappointed. Likewise, I've staked out many of our oldest celebrities, like, ooh, wow, this is a complete opposite problem for me. Who's old now? James Hong. Sure, James Hong. Why am I forgetting his name? Warren Buffet. Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is old, is that old now? Oh, yeah. J.K. Simmons. J.K. Simmons? Also not old. Aging well, I think. Who else? I'm getting faces and not names, so I'm just gonna go with the characters I remember. Describe the faces. Magneto. He's old. Professor X. Oh, opposite Brad Pitt, that, you know that one movie, when he was born old. Anyway, I even greased the steps of their trailers, but every single one of them Willy Wonka's somersault over the slippery stuff. So here I am, back at Gene's. Love his work in Bonnie and Clyde, and now I wish he'd Bonnie and die. I don't care for puns about death. Really? Well, here are three more. Coughing up, you're gonna die. That's a pun on coughing. Looks like my heart ripped. That's R.I.P. Um. And then, I've had one too many, I've had one few funerals. One too many few funerals. Thank you, Cecil. We've got more piping wet news to funnel down your solar poles. Our weatherman Biff is out today on account of getting picked up by a tornado at a bar. At least somebody's getting picked up. Shut up, Porkin. In financial news, Howzee Whatzies, who needs them? We've got our markets reporter, Ashy Janice, on the story. It's-a me, I'm standing here outside Gene Hackman's tasteful, tri-level, Spanish-style estate. It's expected to sell for a pretty penny when Gene Hackman pops the question. The question being, am I dead yet? But there have been murmurs lately that the housing bubble is going to pop. And since I'm an expert, I'm going to tell you how stagflation works. So you're, it increases to a point. And then after, flags. And teens, right? Anyway, back to you. Educational. And what is the Federal Reserve's role in all of this? Totally, okay. So let me explain using as many names and technical terms as I can. Bernanke, there's a role. So inflation is when you do want some inflation, but it needs to be a percentage that is low between one and two. And if the Federal Reserve prints too many dollars, then people will be too happy. And we need to crush their souls into the ground, under the foot of the federal government, because we're not giving a crap about any of them. And that's stagflation. Thanks, Ashy. Any peep from Gene? Yeah, I hope not. We want him dead. Back to you. And that about does it for tonight's news. Hate to see you leave, love to see you walk away. Porky, that tears it. You and I are getting divorced. Oh, that's it for us. But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser in a stunning upset is Becca. I don't know. As punishment, she has to list her top five Gene Hackman performances other than the Royal Tenenbaums. And she will also reenact her favorite line from each movie. Ah, this is a Gene Hackman impression. And you're a shitty son. I've only seen the Royal Tenenbaums.
CrackerMilk	update_on_our_show	Hey cuties! We are about to start filming our pilot and we just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the support that we've received so far. We have almost reached our goal which is amazing. We're about to shoot about 30 minutes of Krakenville content which is insane for us and honestly we're so close to reaching that goal that if we just get a few more donations over the next week before we start shooting we will bring you the best version of this pilot we can with every single moment and funny thing in there coming on the screen and I cannot wait to show you guys what we have. Yeah so if you would like to make a donation to the pilot there is a one-off link down below yeah but also if you would like to join our Patreon you'll receive a bunch of behind the scenes content and just really good times had by all. Elias will call you up if you don't add to Patreon and he'll whisper things to you until you sleep. Yeah just give me your number um and then I'll hit you up. It's usually like a nice delivery personalized and give him your street address blood type all the information is essential for him a copy of your birth certificate yes or you can just do a one-time donation for the pilot. Oh wow is that what Tamara said it sure is Connor. Yeah wow but if we get enough money I can start.
dropout	hardly_working_brainstorming	OK, it's kind of weird, even if we're hardly working. It's just all of us, and we're sucking each other's dicks. OK, I volunteered to suck the first dick. Jake, do you have any real ideas? Yeah, the dick one. Jesus Christ, guys, Jake's serious. Jake, we're not sucking each other's dicks in this video, OK? Let's move on. Hold on, I think we could make it work. It might be kind of funny if we're in an empty room, just like in a circle or something, sucking one another's dicks. I don't know. I think it might be illegal. It's not. Oh, OK, I'm in. Yeah, I'm in. Are you guys serious? We can't suck each other's dicks in a video. We can't even say, suck a d* in a video. Yeah, but at least we'll have tried. I'll do it. Oh my god, you're gay. Can I believe that worked? I can't believe that worked. You're a homophobe. Great work, everyone. Yes! What? That's right, Jake. This is all an act to prove that you're a homophobe. I saw you at a bar yesterday, man. It wasn't even a gay bar. It was a regular bar. So gay bars aren't regular. They're gay. Why don't you go pick at another funeral? Fag haters! Get out of the car, please! Get your paint and get the fill out again. You're still working. You're anti-cocksucker. I guys cut the crap. I have half an hour to shoot. I'm hardly working, so let's start sucking d*. Rosie, I need you on the table and flop that beautiful.
SaturdayNightLive	grandma_pugga_saturday_night_live	Grandma just sees me as the latest in your series of girlfriends. No way, she likes you. And what's that name you call her? Puga. Grandma Puga. right, Puga. And she's got all those cats. I'm wearing my black dress. I'm gonna get cat hair all over it. Oh, come on. all we have to do is stay for a few minutes and make her happy. then we won't have to come for Christmas. Okay, okay. Oh, it's you. it's Timmy and. Tracy. Hi, Puga. Tracy, of course. come on in. don't let the cats out here. come on in. Welcome. Welcome. here, let me hang up your coat for you, Tracy. thank you. your mother told me you might come by, so I made your favorite buckwheat waffles. Here we are. look at that. Oh, Grandma, we can only stay a minute. Oh, that's okay, Tim. we can stay long enough to have waffles with your Grandma. Well, Timmy, looks like you picked out a good one. here's a good one. you be good to her. There we go. nice and hot. now, have some there. it looks good. Hey, uh, are those the new slippers I got you last year for Christmas? Oh, yeah. I wear them all the time. Oh, are those first slippers? no, no, no. they're a terrycloth. Tracy has a cat. just what? how many do you have, Paga? Well, I've been adopted nine times. they all ran when you rang the door buzzer, except for Tootsie. she's deaf. Hey, I know what you need. some maple syrup. you'd love to have a little maple syrup with those waffles here, wouldn't you? Oh, boy. thanks, Grandma, Paga. And I think you'd like some powdered sugar on yours, wouldn't you? Hello there. come on. Oh, you get out of there, treasure. Oh, sweetie. hey, is that powdered sugar for you? Hey, can you believe this warm weather? I think it's global warming. Yes, here it is. Christmas time and the cats are shedding. I'm gonna have to vacuum again one of these days. aren't these delicious, Tracy? Oh, yeah. you're gonna have to give me the recipe. you know, Timmy's grandfather, bless his soul, had these buckwheat wobbles every day. he died of asthma, you know, several years ago. Grandpa was a barber. was he a cat person, too? He hated him. Now, can I get you kids something else? I got some caramelized apples in the fridge. you can take them with you. Oh, gee, I'm stuffed. Thanks. yeah, we've got tickets, so we better get moving or we'll be late. Oh, what show? Oh, don't worry. we're not going to see cats. I was just gonna say, don't go see cats. it's terrible. yeah, we talked about that last time. it has nothing to do with cats, really. we know. Listen, Tracy, it looks like you got a little bit of cat hair on you. Oh. oh, well, here, I got a. I got a little lit room over here for you. Oh, god. there we go. There you go, Tracy. Oh, thanks. what's the matter there? you getting the cold, Tracy? I think it's a hairball. Well, I got a little petromalt. you want to take that with you? you can pass that in about an hour. No, thank you. Okay. well, bye, Grandma Fuga. Okay, now. I love you. I love you, too. Now, you kids be good. Goodbye. All right, now. the next time, cut for dinner. Not you, Rhubarb. I'm gonna feed you in a minute. We made Grandma very happy by this little visit. you know, thanks for being so terrific. she was nice this time. okay. I.
cracked	rise_of_the_troubling_question_about_droids_adventures_in_jedi_school	I can't believe he's gone. Something I said when I was alive. Something you said. Can't you turn on a light saber right? I'm no Jedi. Well, none of us are, but... Hey, it's like Master Evil said. I don't remember anything he said. Neither do I, but it was probably believing ourselves right? Probably. So let's do that. Or I mean, I could just do this. Good job, team! I can't pick anything up. How do you get that? I can't pick any signals. Up. Here, meaners. Try and hack into the system. Launch some ships. We need to keep Jank busy. Hey! Jank! Hi! Okay, so I know you don't pay attention in class, but a long time ago... Hey, no, pay attention now. Droids used to fly our ships. Basically, they were our ships. But then, for some reason, both the Empire and the Rebellion started using human fighter pilots, which was super dumb. So now, we're back to using droids, which is obviously way better. It's just, I don't know, it kinda lowered the stakes. I don't even know who we're fighting up there. Which makes it the perfect job for you, okay? So, just strap in. It's awesome. I know. Soon, the chosen one's blood will be ours, and you will finally be able to use the Force. This is all information I know, brother. It was my plan. Yes, it is also information I know. The chosen one's blood will finally give you the M1-MM9 enzyme that women can produce. An enzyme that breaks down the chemical chronobenduate, which inhibits the Force from speaking with midichlorians. The magic bugs that live in our blood. We never touch tongues anymore. It's hopeless, isn't it? Master Evil's dead. Master Mud is evil. Temple Academy might be destroyed if whatever's going on up there keeps going on. And we'll stop Mud-Mud in whatever he's doing, Cenk. Man, we do have dumb names. Hey, though, an Empress. That's... that's cute. It was cute. I almost dropped this. Thanks. I didn't want it. Okay. I misread the... Yeah, it's too soon. Still? We're gonna! Who's that? It's me. Your old master. Oh. Well, we're clearly gonna fight him, so... Okay. Well, uh... Bye. Yeah, bye! Give us your blood, Chosen One. May the M1, MM9 enzyme that breaks down Chronobenduates and the Midichlorians can talk to the Force be with you. May... the... Midichlans? You too. If you strike me down, the Sabral will cauterize the wound, and you won't get my blood. How's that for paying attention in class, Cenk? Your blood? No! We want her blood. The Chosen One. The only woman who can use the Force. You mean you didn't know? You never... tried? Do or do not. There is no try, I thought. Well, yeah, but at least try. One time. It's funny, you... It's so cool, you... Here you go! Don't forget the Believe in Yourself thing, also. See? Was that so hard? This is why we're... Whoa! No! The debris from all those explosions will soon destroy this planet, so let's move this along. Via the Force, we've discovered there are other countless galaxies far, far away from here. In one galaxy in particular, we have felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of giant lizards were suddenly silenced. So we're freezing you in carbonite for hundreds of millions of years and sending you to this planet. Thank you, Master Tree by the pool, for the information and for your sacrifice. As for the rest of you, onward to the planet called Earth. Stupid. That's all I'm doing here. This is a rich location with a lot of stories. Subscribe and find out what I'm doing here. Why am I holding this book?
TheBetootaAdvocate	WEEKLY_BULLETIN_The_Nation_s_Drug_Use_Fred_Again_Fabled_Tasmanians_And_The_Oscars	Welcome to the Petuta Weekly, different to the Petuta Talks because Petuta Talks we interview a different guest each week and this one we basically just give you a recap on the biggest headlines from the Petuta Advocate in the week that was. Obviously should be called Petuta Talks really because all we do is just talk on this one. Well maybe you, I'm trying to get down to business here but we should do the obligatory how's your week going gentlemen? Pretty good, how's yours? I'm pretty worn out I'll tell you how much. Yeah, it's been going on. It's been flat out like a lizard drinking mate. A lot going on in the world. Spare a thought for Errol obviously last weekend, Pink, Townsville, it's been all over the country enjoying it and goes out with the crescendo. I know what you're getting at here and look she is one of the great entertainers of her generation. I didn't know she was still here. Mate this is her. This is her. Did she go home? No, this is one of her biggest markets. She comes down here and this is just going straight into her super. But this is a cash cow like she's done now. Townsville might be. No, Townsville, she would have fucking sold that out too. She's doing like four odd labours. She's selling out Townsville. I just don't understand it. It's the craziest shit in the world. No other artist in America wears a market on the other side of the planet. They go to every three years and just print cash. Yeah, well look, she's a phenomenal talent and I don't think people like you, I mean you can go off, go and see Paul Kelly like you always do. You and your mates go off, touch each other's dicks, Paul Kelly. I leave you alone when you do that and I go and see Pink four times and you're just up me. I'm happy for you, I'm not happy for you. You're not happy for me, you're putting shit on me. That's what you're doing. I'm just trying to talk about the good things in your life. It was a bizarre run of shows. You went to two shows. Elton John went to Bathurst. You went to one show in Melbourne, one in Sydney, one in fucking Newy and then one in Townsville. Is it just what tickets are available? It's just where the promoter was taking it. How long do you reckon her catapults and all that sort of stuff will last in Townsville? Do you reckon the show will make it on or they'll just all get stolen and pinched before she gets out on stage? Oh, youth crime. That's one thing that... It's a beat up. One thing we need more of in the youth crime and justice sector is 55 year old women who like Pink. Youth crime does not exist around those kind of women. We need them in the juvies. We need them in the fucking courthouse. We need them in the police force. Because they don't take any nonsense. Because they're not a rock star. Don't you get Wendell started on the police force. No, we're not doing it this week. Speaking of justice and crime, what's the first story this week? Well, the headline reads, why is drug use increasing, asked nation where schooners cost $11? Yes, if you're lucky, that is. The nation has been left scratching its head this week after some confusing and totally unforeseeable news. If you missed it, the National Wastewater Drug Monitoring Program, which exists because of course it has to, reports that Australians are doing more drugs than ever, with notable increases in MDMA consumption seen in the majority of the states, Greenslanders, of course, coming up on top with cannabis use, free the herb, and the states filled with the richest fuckwits in Australia was first for cocaine, surprisingly. New South Wales consuming almost as much cocaine as the rest of the country. Well, judging by Michael Clark's new look, I think he's probably responsible for it all, really. Yeah, well, that's defamatory comments there. Well, look, of course there are plenty of questions to be asked about the worsening mental health and societal inequality across the nation, but for many, it seems also a case of pingers and cannabis making for a much cheaper alternative than getting on the beers all night, particularly giving some bars and pubs a charging 11 Australian pesos for one glass of lager. $8 happy hour special down the road from me. Yeah, I mean, at some point in time that would have been laughable, but right now it's fucking, you know, that's good value. Of course, there are a lot of obligatory comments from southerners and westerners about kiddie beers and schooners and, you know, actual pints are up to $15 to $17. True, well, they don't know how to make mead, and that's how I've been getting through. That's how you've been getting your bars. We have been enjoying a cold, refreshing glass of mead, which you can make with honey and a few bags of barley and some honey, some yeast. Well, I remember when my house burnt down and I had to go to jail because of it. That was what was going off in the Woodford jail, mead. It's very easy to make in a prison cell. Do they drink them out of like cow's hooves and stuff as well there? I got my yeast from, so my neighbor had strep throat about four weeks ago and I had him come over and spit in the mash tun, which kick-started the fermentation process with the... Sounds hot. Essentially the yeast infection in the back of his throat. Very hot. Yeah. Heading all the way down south now and a heatwave has forced Tasmanians to send their most intrepid son to the mainland in search of the fabled pedestal fan. Yes, they're not talking about Richard Flanagan this time because as Tasmania's nighttime temperatures soared to the unprecedented heights of 24 degrees Celsius this past weekend, the usually brisk island state of Tasmania has taken a drastic measure to combat the scorching heat. Yes, after exhausting all other known techniques for temperature regulation, the Tasmanians dispatched one of their most resourceful sons on a dangerous quest to the mainland in search of the elusive and mythical fan technology. Strong. Young Tasmanian Ferdinand Proudfoot was sent north by the high chief of Tasmanians Jeremy Rockliffe to find this incredible and mythological and fabled spinning wheel of cool air. Yes. The results of Proudfoot's quest are still unknown but the high chief has promised the Baturda advocate that a pigeon will bring news of that great tale to our newsroom as soon as they hear of it down at the Hobart keep. True. I just hope when they introduce fans it's less damaging as when they introduce... Anything from you Clancy on that one? Oh shit you beeped that and we can let the listeners think about what depraved comment was just made. Some music news now and it's been confirmed that this Fred again bloke is seemingly touring Australia for months on end. Yes for those not in the know Fred again or simply just Fred is a Grammy winning English record producer singer-songwriter multi-instrumentalist DJ who seems to have a vice-like grip on young urban professionals who have turned out to see their Bob Dylan in droves. And with the underground show after underground show plastered all over social media by people blah blah blah who think they have the coolest taste in music it's been confirmed that it feels like this London toff has been down here t-rexing his drum machine for a couple of months. Yeah that's right it's unknown if Fred again will ever leave Australia but judging by the repeated ticket sales numbers probably doesn't need to rush home. Young Effie Bateman I believe she's down to Sydney to see one of these these underground shows at a giant arena sponsored by a phone company. You'd call it the yuppie pink really. Oh absolutely yeah and like Earl Parker there are plenty of people going all over the country just to catch a glimpse of this genius. No but the difference is Fred again as popular in his home country as he is here because that's the pink model right? No he's quite popular. Okay so it's not a pink parallel. Over there you know in all those rave rooms and shit. Good Charlotte had a good run down here. Arj Barker these are people whose fame in Australia dwarfed their current or dwarfs their current family. Arj Barker's been living here for 40 years Clancy. I know. That's what they say. He's American. International touring act Arj Barker. Yeah Arj from Coffs Harbour. Good Charlotte would have been huge in Japan right? They stars of the bitch in the beam ass. Judging talent shows. Finishing up with some movie news and a film about men destroying the earth. Has outperformed a movie about women being nice? Yes in some conventional news Oppenheimer has completely dominated the Oscars this year. Beating movies about women being nice to each other and learning the power of sisterhood Or a movie about a girls eye opening journey into becoming a woman. That's poor things. And a true story about white men murdering Native Americans in their oil rich land. That's right. Snapping up seven Oscars. The awards night added insult to injury by occurring just days after International Women's Day. And proves that even though movies depicting the shared female experience are nice. You just can't beat three hours of destructive men pouring their heart and soul into creating a nuclear weapon of unprecedented power that forever changes the course of history. Yeah look Barbie is such an International Women's Day movie isn't it? It's like a corporate exercise with a tinge of kind of Becky. Were there cupcakes in Barbie? Probably. You know it's the same model. It's like such exclusive empowerment usually led by major brands like Mattel or Deloitte. Anyway we can talk about that for hours but that's the end of it this week. Thank you for listening to the weekly Batutah Bulletin. We love you. Goodbye. Walk on. Let me read it. Fuck this fucking paragraph. But the high chief has promised the Batutah advocate that a pigeon will bring news of that great tale to our newsroom as soon as they hear of it down at the Hobart Keep. True. I just hope when they introduce fans it's less damaging as when they introduce... Anything from you Clancy on that one? Oh shit you beeped that and we can let the listeners think about what depraved comment was just made. Some music news now and it's been confirmed that this Fred again bloke is seemingly touring Australia for months on end. Yes for those not in the know Fred again or simply just Fred is a Grammy winning English record producer singer songwriter multi-instrumentalist DJ who seems to have a vice-like grip on young urban professionals who have turned out to see their Bob Dylan in droves. And with the underground show after underground show plastered all over social media by people blah blah blah who think they have the coolest taste in music it's been confirmed that it feels like this London toff has been down here t-rexing his drum machine for a couple of months. Yeah that's right it's unknown if Fred again will ever leave Australia but judging by the repeated ticket sales numbers probably doesn't need to rush home. Young Effie Bateman I believe she's down to Sydney to see one of these these underground shows at a giant arena sponsored by a phone company. You'd call it the yuppie pink really. Oh absolutely yeah and like our partner there are plenty of people going all over the country just to catch a glimpse of this genius. No but the difference is Fred again as popular in his home country as he is here because that's the pink model right? No he's quite popular. Okay so it's not a pink parallel. Over there you know in all those rave rooms and shit. Good Charlotte had a good run down here. Arj Barker these are people whose fame in Australia dwarfed their current, dwarfs their current fame. Arj Barker's been living here for 40 years Clancy. I know. That's what they say. He's American. International touring act Arj Barker. Yeah Arj from Coffs Harbour. Good Charlotte would have been huge in Japan right? Finishing up with some movie news and a film about men destroying the earth has outperformed a movie about women being nice. Yes in some conventional news Oppenheimer has completely dominated the Oscars this year beating movies about women being nice to each other and learning the power of sisterhood or a movie about a girl's eye-opening journey into becoming a woman. That's poor things. And a true story about white men murdering Native Americans in their oil-rich land, Killers of the Flower Moon. That's right. Snapping up seven Oscars the awards night added insult to injury by occurring just days after International Women's Day and proves that even though movies depicting the shared female experience are nice you just can't beat three hours of destructive men pouring their heart and soul into creating a nuclear weapon of unprecedented power that forever changes the course of history. Yeah look Barbie is such an International Women's Day movie isn't it? It's like a corporate exercise with a tinge of kind of Becky. Were there cupcakes in Barbie? Probably. You know it's the same model. I'm not gonna say it's like such exclusive empowerment usually led by major brands like Mattel or Deloitte. Anyway we can talk about that for hours but uh that's the end of it this week. Thank you for listening to the weekly Petuda Bulletin. We love you. Goodbye. Walk on. Let me read it. Fuck this fucking paragraph.
cracked	3_side_characters_who_deserve_their_own_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder	Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien, though I'm also warming up to Deanie Obini, and welcome to another oddly charming episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show where I talk so fast that I'm told it makes our viewers actually uncomfortable. Today's episode... Causally optimistically investigates a phenomenon with no preexisting nomenclature, so we'll have to explicitly say it's called... Here's the thing about me, I rewatch movies and TV shows a lot. Sometimes I do it to see what I miss the first or second time around, but mostly I do it because as much as I love watching new movies, there's a nice comfort in indulging in the familiar and sitting down to consume something that I already know I love. I treat movies like songs in this way. You don't re-listen to the same song to be surprised by it or experience it for the first time again. You do it because you know you like it and it'll make you feel good or pump you up or whatever. Unfortunately, rewatching the same movies over and over again has resulted in me getting bored with the actual protagonist, forcing me to care about minor and side characters and sometimes characters I've never even seen. Like Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago, a guy who is so big and famous that the snooty or snotty host at an exclusive restaurant says his name and title with odd reverence. But he's not so big and famous that said host even knows what he looks like. What's Abe Froman's deal? What's that guy's deal? Where's his movie? Why do we spend a whole movie on some 17 year old's day instead of figuring out what makes the majestic and elusive and benevolent Meat King tick? Anyway, I buried Abe Sausage King of Chicago in the intro because I didn't have enough material to talk about him in a full entry, like I'm done of him now. So let's, what's our first entry? Can we just, who are the characters that I desperately need to know more about? There are a lot of really cool experts in Ghostbusters. The Busters themselves are scientists who happen to be friends who are also professional Ghostbusters and also they're very funny. Sigourney Weaver's Dana is smart and capable and an expert musician. Slimer is the Slimerius. Lots of accomplished and cool people to occupy your attention. And yet, I want a movie about Rick Moranis' Lewis Tully. If you only have a dim memory of Ghostbusters, you remember Lewis as the squirrely nerdy guy who eventually becomes a dog monster, but otherwise has very little impact on the first movie. And the second movie decides he's a Ghostbusters, but again, has very little impact on the main plot and mostly serves as empty comic relief, like, hey, look at the nerd. If you've got an okay memory, you remember that he's an accountant and an outspoken fitness nut. I was just exercising. I taped 20 minute workout on my machine and played it back at high speed so it only took 10 minutes. I got a great workout. And if you have a crazy specific memory, perhaps you remember what a good climber he is. That's strange. I didn't realize I left it on. Oh yeah. You know what I did? I climbed on the ledge. I tried to disconnect the cable, but I couldn't get in. So you know what I did? I turned up my TV real loud, too, so everyone to think they thought their TV said something wrong with me. But I'm insane. So I remember everything. And I think about all of those things. Plus this. Here is Lewis outlining the agenda of a party he's throwing to Dana. That's great. I'll tell everybody you're coming. We're gonna play Twister. We're gonna do some breakdancing. That party sounds like a goddamn blast. Lewis is an accountant and this party is comprised almost exclusively of his clients, a move that he made so he could write the entire party off as a business expense. I'm giving this whole thing as a promotional expense. That's why I invited clients instead of friends. That's canny. And you'd think it would be a dry affair because it's a bunch of clients who don't know each other. But no. It has Twister and breakdancing, which let's not dance around this. This means this is a f* party. Twister and breakdancing are two out of the only three things people can do on a concentrated and isolated rectangular surface. And the third is fing. You twist your body to breakdance on a rectangular cardboard. You twist your body to Twister on a square twister pad. And you, et cetera, your body to have sex on a rectangular bed. And those are the things. If you think Lewis is throwing a Twister and breakdance party to not invite the idea of showing off the flexibility and mobility of our bodies to have sex, then I'm sorry, but you're living in a fantasy world. Or you're nine. In which case, please don't watch this show, I say f a lot. I don't think nine-year-olds need to hear me say f. But f. Hey, here's another thing about Lewis that gets forgotten because most of this movie is about Bill Murray and ghosts and busting. His f* party is full of mostly stuffy but clearly down clients. And this person. Lewis, I'm going home. I don't leave yet. Who is this woman? Lewis threw this party, yes, as a business tax write-off, but mostly to woo Dana with whom he's in love. Meanwhile, there's this goddamn full-blown 80s smoke show that clearly came to this party for Lewis. His bombshell is ready to leave, and Lewis gets her to stay by reluctantly dancing poorly with her, and she loves it. Listen, maybe if we start dancing, other people will join in. What is anything? This is why I need a standalone Lewis movie. This accountant-slash-fitness-nut-slash-reluctant-stud-slash-expert-climber-slash-break-dancer is the most interesting part of a movie where ghosts are real and can flate Dan Aykroyd, and yet he's banished to the sidelines. In every interaction Lewis has with every other character, he's never quite connecting, because it seems like his mind is racing a mile a minute. Teach me, Lewis, what is your level? Breakfast Club has such a small cast, and it's so focused, and everyone gets to spend a lot of time talking about their deal, so you mostly get what everyone is about. Even the principal. You get a fairly complete picture of him. Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns. But boy, I'd give some amount of money for a spin-off featuring that weird janitor. I look through your letters, look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations. I don't know that, but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends. Holy shit, I want to read this guy's memoirs. In eight years, he's learned more about this student body than all of its teachers and administrators combined. He's been silently observing everyone, and I want to know A, what you learned, and B, what your life is like that you were choosing to spend your time learning the secrets of high school students. This isn't prison, where you can trade information for protection or more secrets. You can't flip high school secrets for literally anything. So what is your endgame, buddy? You read Ali Shidi's notes? What did you learn? Mostly high school stuff? Cool. Why is that important to you? Please answer in the form of a movie on my desk by tomorrow. Anyway, do we have another... Should know last name given is the sad antagonist of the first Toy Story movie. He's a kid who destroys toys before he knows that toys are real. Then he finds out that toys are real, becoming as far as we can tell the first human being to do so. He spent a life with a shit family and occupied his time rebuilding and then blowing up toys to express his emotions and creativity. And then one day, toys are like, we're real, stop that, and don't tell anyone. No one will believe you. Play nice. So play nice. That's Act 1. Act 3 is Toy Story 3, where Sid is working as a garbage man. So what is Act 2? It would be easy to say, ha, Sid was bad as a kid and now he has a bad job. Just as ha. And yet, Sid is happy. And being a garbage man is a good job. We know it's a good job, because we've interviewed garbage men for Cracked. But even if we hadn't, we'd still know it was a good job. We would accept that it was good, because Sid was happy. Not just happy, but actively dancing and drumming at his job. A job at up which America's elite would turn their noses. So what conclusions can we draw? Here's the information we have. 1. Sid in the past had a rough home life when he was a kid. 2. Sid in the past learned toys were real and could talk and rotate their heads like monsters. An undeniably traumatic affair. 3. Sid in the present is careless and at peace. What the fk happened to Sid between Toy Story 1 and 3. Learning that toys are alive should destroy anyone. Even the hypothetical idea of that being present in someone's life should impact it. But Sid learned it. First hand. For real. From toys. They're real. And they're mad at you. And you're the only one who knows it. He managed to absorb and process this and still live a normal and positive life. Did he become a crazy person on the news spouting about how toys were real? No. Did he become a drug addict? No. Did he commit suicide? No. He did a thankless job that most Americans don't even think about and he did it while dancing. What happened? What happened in between Toy Stories 1 and 3 that turned Sid from a sadistic monster with soul knowledge of toy magic to a zen-like appreciator of everything? The answer to that question would have been monumentally better than Toy Story 2. And also, hey, I think we can learn a lot from Sid. Anyway, that's it for this month's obsessive park-a-culp-arp-dissapap. It's shorter than normal, but that's like, that's by design. This will come out in December and that's Christmas time. You should spend that time with your family. So I'm intentionally giving you less of, of all good old Deanie Obini. That's all done to encourage you to spend time with your family and not me. Join us next month when our topic will be, why did Slimer become so iconic? Oh man, that is a good question. He was just one of the many ghosts in the first Ghostbuster movie and he persisted. He somehow became synonymous with the Ghostbuster brand. He was in the cartoon show as like a cool ghost character that the rest of the Ghostbusters accepted. They were like, we must ghost, but not this one. He's our buddy. He made juice boxes about him, but I don't know what he brought to the table. Why did America love Slimer? That's weird as s. I almost wish this show would pursue the episode concepts we talk about at the end of the episodes, but I know we won't. Like historically we haven't. Every time an episode ends with, next time we'll talk about blah blah blah. It's always a bit. We never follow up on those, but this, this Slimer thing, that'd be an okay concept. Anyway, bet we won't explore it. Bye. Hey everyone, thanks for watching. Make sure you slime and some slime in the, in the comments. I'm still really hung up on this, on this Slimer thing and I know we're not going to do an episode about it, so this is my last opportunity to talk to anyone about it. A of our director thinks it's about the hot dogs that he eats. The hot dogs in America is like holding, he's like holding up a mirror to America that is like, don't you love hot dogs? And America's like, I do. About me, I rewatch movies and TV shows a lot. Sometimes I do it to see what I miss the first or second time around, but mostly I do it because as much as I love watching new movies, there's a nice comfort in indulging in the familiar and sitting down to consume something that I already know I love. I treat movies like songs in this way. You don't re-listen to the same song to be surprised by it or experience it for the first time again. You do it because you know you like it and it'll make you feel good or pump you up or whatever. Unfortunately, re-watching the same movies over and over again has resulted in me getting bored with the actual protagonists, forcing me to care about minor and side characters and sometimes characters I've never even seen. Like Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago. A guy who is so big and famous that the snooty or snotty host at an exclusive restaurant says his name and title with odd reverence. But he's not so big and famous that said host even knows what he looks like. You're Abe Froman. That's right. I'm Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago. What's Abe Froman's deal? What's that guy's deal? Where's his movie? A whole movie on some 17-year-old's day instead of figuring out what makes the majestic and elusive and benevolent Meat King tick. Anyway, I buried Abe Sausage King of Chicago in the intro because I didn't have enough material to talk about him in a full entry. I'm done of him now. So what's our first entry? Can we just... Who are the characters that I desperately need to know more about? There are a lot of really cool experts in Ghostbusters. The Busters themselves are scientists who happen to be friends who are also professional Ghostbusters and also they're very funny. You're going to Weaver's Dana is smart and capable and an expert musician. Slimer is the Slimerius. Lots of accomplished and cool people to occupy your attention. And yet, I want a movie about Rick Moranis' Lewis Tully. If you only have a dim memory of Ghostbusters, you remember Lewis as the squirrely nerdy guy who eventually becomes a dog monster but otherwise has very little impact on the first movie. And in the second movie, decides he's a Ghostbusters but, again, has very little impact on the main plot and mostly serves as empty comic relief like, hey, look at the nerd. If you've got an okay memory, you remember that he's an accountant and an outspoken fitness nut. I was just exercising. I taped 20-minute workout on my machine and played it back at high speed so it only took 10 minutes. I got a great workout. And if you have a crazy specific memory, perhaps you remember what a good climber he is. That's strange. I didn't realize I left it on. Oh yeah, you know what I did? I climbed on the ledge. I tried to disconnect the cable but I couldn't get in so, you know what I did? I turned up my TV real loud too so everyone to think before I left their TVs said something wrong with me. But I'm insane. So I remember everything. And I think about all of those things plus this. Here is Lewis outlining the agenda of a party he's throwing to Dana. That's great. I'll tell everybody you're coming. We're going to play Twister. We're going to do some breakdancing camp. That party sounds like a goddamn blast. Lewis is an accountant and this party is comprised almost exclusively of his clients, a move that he made so he could write the entire party off as a business expense. I'm giving this whole thing as a promotional expense. That's why I invited clients instead of friends. That's canny. And you'd think it would be a dry affair because it's a bunch of clients who don't know each other. But no. It has Twister and breakdancing, which let's not dance around this. This means this is a fing party. Twister and breakdancing are two out of the only three things people can do on a concentrated and isolated rectangular surface. And the third is fing. You twist your body to breakdance on a rectangular cardboard. You twist your body to Twister on a square Twister pad. And you etcetera your body to have sex on a rectangular bed. And those are the things. If you think Lewis is throwing a Twister and breakdance party to not invite the idea of showing off the flexibility and mobility of our bodies to have sex, then I'm sorry but you're living in a fantasy world. Or you're nine. In which case, please don't watch this show, I say f a lot. And I don't think nine year olds need to hear me say f. But f. Hey, here's another thing about Lewis that gets forgotten because most of this movie is about Bill Murray and ghosts and busting. His f* party is full of mostly stuffy but clearly down clients. And this person. Lewis, I'm going home. Who is this woman? Lewis threw this party, yes as a business tax write off, but mostly to woo Dana with whom he's in love. Meanwhile, there's this goddamn full blown 80's smoke show that clearly came to this party for Lewis. This bombshell is ready to leave and Lewis gets her to stay by reluctantly dancing poorly with her and she loves it. Listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in. What is anything? This is why I need a stand alone Lewis movie. This accountant slash fitness nut slash reluctant stud slash expert climber slash breakdancer is the most interesting part of a movie where ghosts are real and can flake Dan Aykroyd and yet he's banished to the sidelines. In every interaction Lewis has with every other character, he's never quite connecting because it seems like his mind is racing a mile a minute. Teach me Lewis, what is your level? Breakfast Club has such a small cast and it's so focused and everyone gets to spend a lot of time talking about their deal so you mostly get what everyone is about. Even the principal, you get a fairly complete picture of him. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. But boy, I'd give some amount of money for a spin-off featuring that weird janitor. I look through your letters, look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I end the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends. Holy shit, I want to read this guy's memoirs. In eight years he's learned more about this student body than all of its teachers and administrators combined. He's been silently observing everyone and I want to know A, what you learned, and B, what your life is like that you were choosing to spend your time learning the secrets of high school students. This isn't prison where you can trade information for protection or more secrets. You can't flip high school secrets for literally anything. So what is your endgame, buddy? You read Ali Shidi's notes? What'd you learn? Mostly high school stuff? Cool. Why is that important to you? Please answer in the form of a movie on my desk by tomorrow. Anyway, do we have another... Shit no last name given is the sad antagonist of the first Toy Story movie. He's a kid who destroys toys before he knows that toys are real. Then he finds out that toys are real, becoming as far as we can tell the first human being to do so. He spent a life with a shit family and occupied his time rebuilding and then blowing up toys to express his emotions and creativity. And then one day toys were like, we're real, stop that and don't tell anyone. No one will believe you. Play nice. So play nice. That's Act 1. Act 3 is Toy Story 3, where Sid is working as a garbage man. So what is Act 2? It would be easy to say, Sid was bad as a kid and now he has a bad job. Justice, ha! And yet, Sid is happy. And being a garbage man is a good job. We know it's a good job because we've interviewed garbage men for Cracked. But even if we hadn't, we'd still know it was a good job. We would accept that it was good because Sid was happy. Not just happy, but actively dancing and drumming at his job. A job at up which America's elite would turn their noses. So, what conclusions can we draw? Here's the information we have. 1. Sid in the past had a rough home life when he was a kid. 2. Sid in the past learned toys were real and could talk and rotate their heads like monsters. An undeniably traumatic affair. 3. Sid in the present is careless and at peace. What the fk happened to Sid between Toy Story 1 and 3? Learning that toys are alive should destroy anyone. Even the hypothetical idea of that being present in someone's life should impact it. But Sid learned it firsthand, for real, from toys. They're real and they're mad at you and you're the only one who knows it. He managed to absorb and process this and still live a normal and positive life. Did he become a crazy person on the news spouting about how toys were real? No. Did he become a drug addict? No. Did he commit suicide? No. He did a thankless job that most Americans don't even think about and he did it while dancing. What happened? What happened in between Toy Stories 1 and 3 that turned Sid from a sadistic monster with sole knowledge of toy magic to a zen-like appreciator of everything? The answer to that question would have been monumentally better than Toy Story 2. And also, hey, I think we can learn a lot from Sid. Anyway, that's it for this month's Obsessive Particle. It's shorter than normal, but that's like, that's by design. This will come out in December and that's Christmas time. You should spend that time with your family. So I'm intentionally giving you less of, of all good old Deanie Obini. That's all done to encourage you to spend time with your family and not me. Join us next month when our topic will be, why did Slimer become so iconic? Oh man, that is a good question. He was just one of the many ghosts in the first Ghostbuster movie and he persisted. He somehow became synonymous with the Ghostbuster brand. He was in the cartoon show as like a cool ghost character that the rest of the Ghostbusters accepted. They were like, we must ghost, but not this one. He's our buddy. They made juice boxes about him, but I don't know what he brought to the table. Why did America love Slimer? That's weird as s*. I almost wish this show would pursue the episode concepts we talk about at the end of the episode, but I know we won't. Like historically we haven't. Every time an episode ends with, next time we'll talk about blah blah blah. It's always a bit. Follow up on those. But this, this Slimer thing, that'd be an okay concept. Anyway, bet we won't explore it. Bye. Hey everyone. Thanks for watching. Make sure you slime and some slime in the comments. I'm still really hung up on this Slimer thing and I know we're not going to do an episode about it, so this is my last opportunity to talk to anyone about it. A.M.R. Director thinks it's about the hot dogs that he eats. The hot dogs in America is like holding up a mirror to America that is like, don't you love hot dogs? And America's like, I do.
SaturdayNightLive	what_s_that_name_norman_the_doorman_snl	And now, it's time to play. Black Lives Matter! And here's your host. hello, hello, hello, and welcome to what's that name? The rules are simple. we show you a person, you tell us their name. our contestants today are Jake, a Cfo at Smith & Price, and Carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman Real Estate. And the first question goes to Jake. he's Subway's number one spokesman. What's that name? Jared Fogel. 20 bucks for you. Carolyn, you're up. he's the second lead in the film, Saving Silverman. What's that name? Oh, I know this. Steve Zahn. $20 for you. Now it's time to up the ante. Jake, this next one is for $10,000. And here to read the clue is the man himself. I've been your doorman for four years. I open the door for you every day. I've always got a joke and a smile. what's my name? hey, hey, man. how's it hanging? Low and lazy. what's my name? I know your whole family. your son, Avi, loves outer space. what's my name? Carl? Audience, what's that name? Martin! Norman the Doorman. Oh, I'm so sorry to say hi to the wife for me. I'm sorry, what's that? Say hi to my wife. Yeah, okay, I'll take the bus out to Forest Hill Cemetery and tell her that you say hello. God, what the hell kind of show is this? it's what's that name? Carolyn, you're up and we've got another walk-on clue. for 10 years, I clean your office every day. what's my name? Oh, it's you. do you have any fun plans for the holidays? Yes, cleaning your office was my name. you don't seem to know her name. I think it's something like Eeyore? that is cartoon Donkey. of course it is. Ee-door. what's that name? Mary! But Steve's on, you know. I just wish those people were name tags. those people? I just want to say, I think what you're doing is pretty lousy. I think you're lousy. do you know your cameraman's names? middle one's Charlie. what about the other two? I'm not a contestant. what are their names? I tell you, if I was a contestant, but I'm not. you are. And here's your next clue.: who the hell are they? Eight of your summer interns. they work for you for free for four months. If you can tell me any of their names, I'll give you a million dollars. I, uh, oh, geez, I don't, I don't know. I'm just going to say a name. Josh. there are Three Josh's. that means you win three million dollars. Oh, wow. Plus, you've got the opportunity to go double or nothing in our bonus round. what do you say? Well, you know, I guess I'm on a hot streak. let's go double or nothing. Fantastic. Here to read the bonus clue is the man himself. what's my name? Oh, god, no, I wasn't, I wasn't paying attention before. Josh? what's that name? Norman the Doorman. rhymesy. Yeah, right. it's so easy. Well, Jake, that puts you back to zero. that's our show, But stay tuned for a new game show called what's in your internet History?
TheOnion	SPONSORED_New_Video_Game_s_Second_Person_Shooter_Mode_Features_Someone_Just_Describing_Game_To_You	It's being hailed as a breakthrough in gaming. Wolfenstein The New Order is wowing reviewers with its revolutionary second-person shooter mode. Bryce Markle has more in the Tech Trends Game Byte. Traditionally the Wolfenstein series has been a first-person shooter where you can see and hear the action. Bethesda designer Rashad Dunn says their new second-person technology improves on that. Fighting Nazis, unleashing powerful weaponry. We took everything that makes Wolfenstein great and we really, really describe it to the player. To enter second-person shooter mode you just simply pause it, adjust the narrative slider from first to second. Beta testers are calling the second-person mode the ultimate immersive experience. Dude, it was awesome. Like, I actually felt like I was there fighting Nazis. No other game has ever put me in the action that way, seriously. You find ammunition on the ground. This will be useful, you think to yourself. The game's AI is really, really good at responding to what you're told you do because I can't wait to find out if I survive this. You get shot, you shoot back, you get shot again, you get shot again, you get shot again. My favorite part was when it switches to second-person passive voice. It's so cool. It is awesome. Bullets are fired, a grenade is thrown. They did it again. Amazing. In addition to the thrilling action, the game also features cutting-edge introspective monologues. You examine the dead Nazi at your feet and think how in death he looks so peaceful. Although you were stabbing him in the neck a moment ago, now you cannot help but weep for his passing. And though the game is single-player, a multiplayer expansion pack is in the works. The game comes out this summer but many gamers are already pre-ordering their copies. All pre-orders come with a bonus pack of 500 extra adverbs. And true fans can pick up the special collector's edition which doesn't include a disc and instead lets users play the game by reading an 800-page manuscript.
TheOnion	Members_Of_Academy_Can_t_Imagine_What_Would_Happen_If_They_Ever_Selected_Wrong_Best_Picture	Expressing a deeply-held political opinion is referred to as a gaffe. The Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors. Five years, three lives, and over 80 million dollars in the making. This is the Onion Week in Review. Just days before this Sunday's 86th annual Oscars ceremony, members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences told reporters Friday that they could not even begin to imagine what would happen if they were to ever select the wrong Best Picture. Saying they felt tremendous pressure living up to over 80 years of flawlessly chosen Best Picture winners, the various actors, directors, and Hollywood professionals in the Academy said they constantly worried about the vast repercussions of ever singling out the incorrect film as the year's best. Every year, when I fill out my ballot to vote, I think the same thing. What if this is the year we pick the wrong Best Picture? I mean, just imagine how different culture, how different history would be if we had accidentally given the Oscar to a soldier's story instead of to Amadeus. Or to Gosford Park instead of a beautiful mind. Or, Jesus, even all that jazz instead of Kramer vs. Kramer. Despite rapid advancement in the field of anticipatory computing, MIT researchers revealed this week that modern technology was still incapable of predicting more than a single upcoming block in Tetris. Though noting that algorithms currently allowed the forecasting of all forms of blocks, including squares, lines, and even the L-shaped ones, scientists were quick to point out that such capabilities have existed for decades, leaving up to speculation the question of when or how anticipating greater numbers of blocks will be available. Imagine, if you will, a world in which we were able to predict two or even three Tetris blocks in advance. One would be able to quickly drop a T-shaped piece onto a square one without worrying about creating an unfillable gap. Yet, the capacity for such predictions is still decades down the road. And who knows, by then, our rows of blocks may already be far too close to the ceiling of the matrix. This week, passers-by of a nearby BP told reporters that robbing the chain's Reynolds and Murray location really would not be a difficult task in the least if an individual were to put their mind to it. As they cited the location's lack of security cameras, easily accessible safe, and numerous other crucial factors, customers reported that pulling off a quick heist there would be, quote, as easy as pie and a no-brainer if you were hard up for cash. I have never seen anybody in there. There's no security camera, no bulletproof glass. All you have to do is jack open the cash register and be on your way. I would just pull a gun on the cashier and make him empty the register, have a car out front ready to floor it. But the highway's what, a mile from here? And in this week's science news, millions of electric signals between neurons allow a brain to imagine what Michael Imperioli looks like. In other news, American Airlines plans to phase out complimentary cabin pressurization. A fourth grader named Jackson will someday fire you, and a friend attempting to provide comfort has no clue what the fuck she's talking about. And now, for the words viewers have been tolerating the past few minutes in order to hear. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com.
cracked	michael_jackson_s_neverland_ranch_and_more_news_2_27_08	It's Wednesday, February 27, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, or so the Germans would have us believe. Elephant hunting will be allowed in South Africa for the first time in almost 15 years to control herd numbers and halt environmental damage. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell has been advised not to travel to South Africa ever again. Because she's fat, like an elephant. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated once again last night, their last scheduled debate before next week's big primaries. Obama was all, hope, hope, hope, hope, you gotta have hope, you gotta believe in the heart and soul of the American people. And Hillary was all, I have 800 years of experience, not to mention a vagina. And Barack was all, I like Hillary Clinton, but I like me better. And did I mention I'm an African American? I have a big black cause that you should all get behind. And Hillary's like, I have been fighting for Americans my entire life. I was born covered in fluids, and the first thing I did was ask the doctor who delivered me how he felt about the nation's lack of universal health care coverage. Then I peed, and Obama was like, well, I'll tell you, oh, what's that? Sorry, I'm being told I didn't watch last night's debate. I regret the error. European Union regulators fined Microsoft a record $1.35 billion for failing to comply with a 2004 antitrust order. That's the largest EU fine ever imposed against a single company. Bill Gates has said that he'll pay it, but that'll mean that his daughters can only get one new robot servant this year, not the three they were hoping for. That's a tough one. And listen, if you don't like Bill Gates' rich jokes, at least we can all agree that Rosie O'Donnell is very, very fat, which is both funny and true. And finally, if Michael Jackson doesn't pay out on a nearly $25 million debt, his famed Neverland Ranch will be sold at auction in mid-March. Attention families with young children, it's a real finger-upper. For those of you keeping score at home, yes, I'm going straight to the fiery pits of hell. That's it for today's sexy edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Friday for our list of the top 11 phrases that rhyme with Nantucket. It's Wednesday, February 27, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, or so the Germans would have us believe. Human hunting will be allowed in South Africa for the first time in almost 15 years to control herd numbers and halt environmental damage. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell has been advised not to travel to South Africa ever again. Because she's fat, like an elephant. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated once again last night, their last scheduled debate before next week's big primaries. Obama was all, Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope, you gotta have hope, you gotta believe in the heart and soul of the American people. But Hillary was all, I have 800 years of experience, not to mention a vagina. And Barack was all, I like Hillary Clinton, but I like me better. And did I mention I'm an African American? I have a big black cause that you should all get behind. And Hillary's like, I have been fighting for Americans my entire life. I was born covered in fluids, and the first thing I did was ask the doctor who delivered me, how he felt about the nation's lack of universal health care coverage. Then I peed, and Obama was like, well, I'll tell you what, oh, what's that? Sorry, I'm being told I didn't watch last night's debate. I regret the error. European Union regulators fined Microsoft a record $1.35 billion for failing to comply with a 2004 antitrust order. That's the largest EU fine ever imposed against a single company. Bill Gates has said that he'll pay it, but that'll mean that his daughters can only get one new robot servant this year, not the three they were hoping for. That's a tough one. And listen, if you don't like Bill Gates's rich jokes, at least we can all agree that Rosie O'Donnell is very, very fat, which is both funny and true. And finally, if Michael Jackson doesn't pay out on a nearly $25 million debt, his famed Neverland Ranch will be sold at auction in mid-March. Attention families with young children, it's a real finger-upper. For those of you keeping score at home, yes, I'm going straight to the fiery pits of hell. That's it for today's sexy edition of the news on Cracked. Check back Friday for our list of the top 11 phrases that rhyme with Nantucket.
Wizards_with_Guns	dishonorable_discharge_	That's it! I don't need this! I'm the best cop on this force! Not anymore, you're not! What's that supposed to mean? Murkowski, turn in your badge. Fine. I don't need this to do my job anyway. And your gun. Fine. You know what, Sarge? This whole precinct is a complete- And your watch. What? My watch? Yep. Why do you want my watch? Standard procedure, Murkowski. I don't write the rules. Fine. By the way, there aren't any rules for being a good cop. Yes, there is. It's called the law, Murkowski. Now turn in your shirt and get out of my office! You want my shirt? And your shoes! Okay. You know, after 35 years on the force- Grasses. After 35 years, you think maybe- Belt. After 35 years on the force, you think maybe I'd get a little respect? Is there anything else you want me to turn in? Yeah. Can you turn in your panini press? I don't have a panini press. While you're out, could you turn in some cooking spray? For the panini press? I'll ask the questions around here, Murkowski. All right, all right! Is there anything else? Got it. Is there anything else you want me to turn in? Yeah, that notepad. God damn it! What more could you possibly want from me, Sarge? Well, son, there's only one thing you got left. No. No, Sarge, please. At least let me leave with my dignity. Take it off, Murkowski. Sarge. Off, Murkowski! Happy? Hey guys, it's Frank. Thanks so much for watching. Please be sure to like, subscribe, and hit the notification bell.
dropout	collegehumor_s_favorite_guest_stars	One of my favorite guest actors is Ellie Woods, who is also one of my very good friends. The sketch that I most love her in is extremely real people and definitely not actors, which was written by Mike Trapp. Ellie has this ability to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds, and on set that day, you kind of feel like everyone absorbing her energy, and it was just a really fun shoot day. So please enjoy! Here it is. Come on in, come in, come, make yourself comfortable. Thanks for coming down today, taking time out of your real, normal person jobs. Why don't you give these flashlights a try? Alright. Whoa! What? Oh, that's really bright. Yeah. Sure, it's a flashlight. Yeah, really crisp. What if I told you that these flashlights you're holding right now are powered by omnivolt batteries? No. What? No. Yes. What? Omnivolt batteries. That's right. You said that. You're telling me that the blue bottom battery is powering all of these right now? What if I told you that omnivolt batteries won the HD Fortifer Award in quality manufacturing? Oh no. Wow. Are you shitting me right now? I'm not. Fuck off. I can't. They did it. They did. Fuck the fuck off. I wish I could. The HD Fortifer Award? An award that all of you as real people are very well aware of. This is the craziest shit I ever heard in my life. No. That's not all. Omnivolt won it. Three years in a row. No. You shut up. Oh my god. There's still energy in here. No. The batteries live. What is happening? There's no god, but omnivolt. Oh, hail omnivolt. And did you know that omnivolt was rated the second most reliable battery among a survey of 200 consumers self-described as the primary purpose for a possible service? Well, I am impressed. I'm going to buy some omnivolt products tonight. Excuse me. I have to get to an audition. My favorite guest star is Lou Wilson, truly one of the funniest individuals. This sketch is called Stuck in a Conversation, written by the incredible Reiki Shankar. I love it, not only because it's extremely relatable and good lord what is worse than getting cornered at a party by somebody who truly has nothing to say. But also, Lou is in it not once nor twice, but thrice. And count me in. Triple the Lou for the price of one. Hell yeah. Go ahead and take a look at Stuck in a Conversation. Hey Reiki. Oh, hey. Good to see ya. Good to see you too. How are you? Good. Good, good, good. Just got a deadline that I'm working on, you know? So I'm actually working on a new project. Oh, cool. But I should really get back to that. I actually think you'd really like it. It's about these two hogs, right? And one is a girl hog, and the other one's also a girl hog. And it's about kind of their friendship, right? But it's also like a moment we're telling a follow-up, man. It's just very exciting to be working on my own stuff now because I don't have to wait anymore. Like I just spent so much of like I feel like my 20's waiting. Reiki! You are stuck in a Conversation vortex. I repeat, you are stuck in a Conversation vortex. Being 20 and in Hollywood and being like, what am I supposed to be doing? Do not panic. Remain calm. I need you to do the following. Gently say, ha ha, yeah. I should really get back to work. Okay. Ha ha, yeah. I should really get back to work. Totally. You know, you're such a hard worker. That's why I want to like collaborate with you and stuff. Like it's funny, I was at this film festival. Goddamn, it's stronger than we thought. Okay, now take both your hands, lightly tap your hips and say, well, and then start to get up to lead. Well... Sometimes I'm just like what do people in the city do to relax? Mayday, mayday. The signals aren't working. Okay, Reiki, remain calm. Just slowly put your hands back into your ears. That's right. We're going to get you out of this. You know, it's like I get it. Like you have to grind, but it's like 10 times yourself. Like nobody knows what they're saying. That's like why I want to work with you, you know? Because you like get it. You're just taking a safe stand. Reiki, we're sending back up. Look out, Ralph. You know, just like floating around like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I got you. Oh, what's up, Allie? Hey, you know Kevin, right? What a great dude. No, blow me up, blow me up. He's too boring. I actually have to go to the bathroom, so I'll catch you later. Later, Allie. No! Anyway, my band is playing tonight. If you want to get the gang together and come through, I think we're actually going to have two bass players, which will be like really cool. And like just for the sound stuff. Hey, guess what song this is. Oh, it's so dope, right? I remember you were born. Oh, shit. Look, it's from the movie. Remember? And then like they go to Kiss and then it's like da, da, da. No, it's like really important to me. What? They're like kissing. I can't talk right now, okay? You interrupted me? Yeah, I did. My mechanism to steamroll, everything I've ever known, it breaks down when you interrupt me. Well, good. I'm sorry. It's just I have a lot of work to do. That's fine. It's just, you know, I wanted someone to listen, to care, to share my stories with. Okay, but... I feel like nobody really notices me, you know? And it's like they see me, but it's like, do they really notice me? I just feel like, do you see me as a real person? No. Sad conversation for text. I've just been really down lately, and you're such a good listener. I like to think I'm somebody, and then I don't get myself, and I'm just feeling, what am I doing? My favorite guest star for College Humor has been John Millhiser. He's been in Hitler as a Teen Girl, Noises That Dads Make, but my favorite appearance he's made was in The Straightest Dude Ever, written by Jessica Ross. It really highlights just like when guys perform their straightness at you, at like parties and things. And my favorite part of that sketch is probably when they are in awe of how straight he is, and one of the descriptors they give is like, yeah, it's really cool, he smells like shit. I think that's such a perfect like straight dude descriptor. He's also doing the weird like rap hands thing during that, that I think is very funny where he's like rapping at no one. He's just super funny in that sketch, and I think you should watch it, so please check it out. Hey! Sorry I'm late. No worries, thanks for coming. Oh yeah, of course. By the way, I brought my friend John. I hope that's okay. What do you have to bring? John. Who's John? He's one of those straight guys that's always shoving it in your face. He's flaming straight. What's up guys? Cool party. Need me to fix your fuse box? Nope. John, fuse box is fine. Just try to enjoy yourself. Don't nut-tat me! No homo. You guys want a beer? Yeah, I'll take a beer. Oh, it's warm! You guys got lighter? Did you smoke? No. Did you see the game last night? What game? It was baseball, but that was just... What? Oh man, that guy's so strange he doesn't even finish conversations properly. Okay, but don't you think he's acting just a little bit too straight? I mean, look, I don't have a problem with it, but some people do. Does he have to wipe his hands on his pants? Is that a straight guy thing? Yeah, straight as the 40-yard line. I was like doing rap arms, but he's not even rapping. Oh, I bet he freestyles though. Scratching the back of his head a lot. He looks like maybe he's hurt. That's so straight. Man, I've always wanted like a super straight friend, you know? I mean, it's pretty fun. He smells like shit all the time. What about me? Shh! He's pretending to drum sets right in front of a classic straight guy move. It's rockin' hell. Whoa, nice sunglasses. Got him out of gas station. Cool. You got a lighter? No. Fuck. Whoa. He's as straight as a long piece of dried spaghetti. Zach, I didn't know your friend John was straight. Okay, how can you tell he's straight? He's got that like straight voice. He's like a not gay James Dean. James Dean was gay? Yeah. Really? Big time gay. Really? I don't know. Your stud's here if you want to hang something. Thank you! I'm straight too, you know? I just don't feel like flaunting it. Okay, Raf, that's coming on a little bit too strong. See, he's just straight. Straight as a boomerang that doesn't function properly because it's so straight. If he puts his hands down his pants... Oh yeah! I bet he's the type to really take charge in the bedroom. I really want him to tell me how to look, dress, think, and feel. He's a jerk! I know! He's checking out the TV. He's checking out the TV! Panasonic? Yeah, it's a Panasonic. Okay. Okay, okay, what? Is that good? Bad? Panasonic? What? Yo, chill out, man. You got it lighter? You already asked me that. Look, you're straight, okay? We all know that. There was never a doubt in our minds you're straight. You don't have to shove it in our faces all the time, okay? It's too much! That's not even straight! That's gay as hell! What are you doing? Hi! Yo, if I could get real for a sec. I know a lot of people don't accept me because I'm so straight. But you know what? I may know how to fix a light switch, but I ain't one. I can't turn off my straightness. Yeah? I'm straight. Love it or leave it. Yeah? If you excuse me, I gotta go sharpen my knife collection. Yeah! I would like to talk about a very talented individual known as Avery Monson. A sketch he was in recently from our series The Shining. Ghosts get caught having weird sex. This is so funny to me. This was a sketch that Zach Oyama wrote about that one particular quick scene in The Shining where we very briefly glimpse a man in a tuxedo getting a blowjob from a guy in a bear suit. And then everything just moves on. And Zach just extended that scene. Just imagine, like, well, it's embarrassing to get walked in on like that. What if we saw their perspective? So please enjoy. Ghosts get caught having weird sex. Well, this is embarrassing. I thought I closed that. Yeah, well, you didn't, Frank. The door's wide. Yeah, I know that now. I said I was going to put on something more comfortable, close the door, and sit on the bed. She probably didn't even see anything. She was probably just like, whoa, that's something weird. And then kept going because there's a lot of weird stuff happening right now. I can't see shit in this mask. OK, well, she's gone now. So where were we? Here, son. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. What are you doing? Will you just go, please? I'm sorry. Should I close this? Get out of here. Sorry, again. Sorry. Katie! This is just mortifying. Come on, it's not that bad. For you, maybe, I'm the freak in the bear suit. You're just the big man getting his dick sucked through a mask. Honey, you can't think about it like that. Besides, isn't it kind of fun? Somebody saw this? Oh, God. It's just experiment after experiment with you, isn't it? OK, fine. Whatever. Jesus, I spent 500 bucks on this hotel room. Like it matters to you. You come from money. Why do we always end up arguing about money? Fine. I'll drop it. I don't know why you're so upset anyway. Everyone can see me. No one knows who you are. No one even knows who I am? So I'm just another faceless bear to you. It doesn't matter what's under the mask as long as you get to fuck it. God, I didn't say that. Come on. I just said nobody knows your face or your name. Well, I have a name. It's Carter Ryan Prichard. And I was born in Seattle and I was raised in New Hampshire. My mother was a professional dancer and my dad worked at a soap factory. What? I hate jazz and I've always wanted a summer in Tuscany. I've been on two boats and I can't read or write. I am Carter Ryan Prichard. And I am a proud bear man. As well you should be. My name's Franklin Joseph Baker. And my whole deal is I just want a bear to suck my dick. My dick. Okay. Let's make that happen for ya. Why don't you look at that? The door opened all by itself. My favorite guest star in a College Humor sketch is Jacob Wysocki. Easily. He played Brad, Katie's boyfriend, in every hospital scene ever. Katie wrote this sketch that was sort of like people with serious injuries in the hospital just ripping out their IVs like they do in the movies. There were a few times where I was doubled over by the monitor trying to hold in my laughter and not ruin the take. That guy has so much energy, it's nuts. There was a lot of prop work but also just a lot of weird stuff that wasn't in the script that just kind of came to life. All these ingredients, plus Jacob, just made for a wild two and a half minutes and I just ended up really loving this sketch. So please enjoy every hospital scene ever. Katie, Katie. You were in a car accident. Oh God! No. Please leave these on. Where the hell is he? I need to find him! Brad! No, no, no. Don't take these out. Get these out. How could this happen? You were hit by a minivan going down the highway on the wrong side of the road. Oh God, why? Why? You have three broken ribs, a broken leg, severe cuts and bruising, light head trauma, but we believe you'll make a full recovery. God, get these the hell off me! Katie, these are important. Brad! Katie! Brad! Can you hear me? Katie, can you hear me? We got to get out of here. They're trying to get us. I think they think we're aliens. They put a bunch of tubes in us. Get these tubes off of me! Gotta leave that in. I'm of this world. We're humans! You don't put your tubes in me. I don't want this. We're not prisoners! Honey, I'm gushing. Katie, I've got bad news. What? I totaled the minivan. I'm so sorry. It's gone. It's dust. Babe, as long as you're okay, I don't care. Oh, no, no, no, no. We do not chew on the IV2. What are you guys pumping us with? They're probably putting mind juice in us. What kind of juice is this? Some government mind control, huh? Who are you working with? The FBI? CIA? Putin? Are you Putin? Huh? I'm not Putin. Are you Putin? Huh? Kaiser. Get this off of me. I need this off of me. Stop putting them back on, man. I want to be a part of you. Please don't make it sexual. I just want it. I want to be inside of you. I just want it. Baby, look at me in the eyes. What? We're not going back to jail. We'll make this or we'll jump out the window. We're on the ninth floor. Get back! We're jumping! Dig deep. Push it! We've got to get out of here. You don't look like wolves. I'm reading you. Thank you, baby. Get that away from us. We're getting out. We've got to get out of here. Come on, baby. Stay back. Get out of here. We're going to go get on the hog. Let's get out of here, baby. I'm not going back to jail. You leave him alone. Leave him alone. My favorite guest star was Ryan Stanger. This is my very first video. It was called Music Festival Boot Camp. There was a scene in the sketch where I sit on a toilet in the middle of the park, and Ryan is screaming obscenities in my face. And this was my welcome to College Humor, which I wouldn't have it any other way. Move, move, move, move! Radio heads up. That's your girlfriend's favorite band. She's going to be on those shoulders for no less than 30 minutes, and you know she's going to want to dance. You just got dumped! This water is $7. Is that a problem? Sir, no, sir. It's only 16.9 fluid ounces. Do you care? Sir, no, sir. Say hello to your new squad leader. Sir, yes, sir. You have a problem with that, Jerry Garcia? Sir, no, sir. Then say hello. Hello, new squad leader. Shit, I didn't know I was teaching fucking manners, too. You've got to be goddamn kidding me. Are you a bum getting covered in other people's sweat? Sir, no, sir. Then get back there and do it five more times, scumbag. I say it, sir. Move! And go. Time. Jesus Christ, are you even making an attempt to hide your Kirkland signature vodka? Sir, yes, sir. Because we're in Coachella right now. You'd be a deep shit, motherfucker. Sir, yes, sir. Andre Bocelli could spot those blasts from a mile away. And guess what? The only thing he's known for more than his singing is being blind, you fucking idiot. Sir, yes, sir. You have five bands until Lana Del Rey goes on. Do you love this music? Sir, yes, sir. Are you sure it's not just a bunch of loud noises? Sir, no, sir. Keep moving. They just decided to play creep. That never happened. Sir, I'm sorry, sir. Shut the fuck up, grateful dork. Sir, yes, sir. Get your shit sorted out. Ow, goddamn it. Sir, yes, sir. Yeah, keep those motherfuckers. Shove them up your little ass. Maybe that'll make your voice drop. Sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. Right now you sound like a chipmunk, don't you? Sir, yes, sir. Are you sure you don't love this music? Sir, yes, sir. Yes, sir. The answer is no, you dumb motherfuckers, because in fact you do love this music. Sir, yes, sir. Yes, that's right, you gutless motherfuckers. Night, night, night, night, night, night. I'm a black veto. Chris is in the redo. John Lennon lands just like to see him spread eagles. Sound check. Jack check. Which chipmunk would you be? I'd be having a turn. Bullshit, he'd be helping. Sir, it'd be Theodore, sir. Theodore, that's right. Well, if you're Theodore, I'm dead, motherfucker. Please don't make me do it, it's so dirty. You must be crumb, dumb shithead. You think the toilet and all the blues is gonna be clean? Sir, no, sir. I was at Woodstock in 94 and I got shit all over my ass. You think I whined about it? Sir, no, sir. You just bought the rest of the squad, 20 roof raises. Everybody arms up, arms up, up, down, up, down. Sir, okay, sir. We're learning shit today, you stinky paws of garbage. Don't know shit for brains. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Now you're making some music. Yes, sir. You ain't got no more TP. Yes, sir. You're all out of TP. Yes, sir. I hear those chicken shit turns hitting the water right now as we speak. You're gonna have to use the cardboard. You know what I'm talking about, you gotta use that goddamn cardboard. Yes, sir. I process that. I did. Sir. I don't want to go anymore. You guys having fun? Sir, yes, sir. I can't hear you. I saw you pieces of shit having fun. Sir, yes, sir. I fucking dance. Thank you. Hey, guys. It's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me!
dropout	Sneaking_Into_Your_Own_R_Rated_Movie	I can't believe we still haven't seen our own movie yet. I know. It's fucking ridiculous. The whole system is fucked. Let me do the talking. Three tickets for Good Boys, one adult, two children. And how do you know them? I'm uh, I'm married to their moms. No his mom. No your mom! Uh, both of their moms. Would your moms let you see this movie? She let us be in it? The rules apply to celebrities too, buddy. This movie has sexual content, swearing, all kinds of things. Alright kids, back to the minivan. Let's call Seth. He'll help us. Sal's Pizzeria. Yeah, he gave me a fake number. Asshole. Hey Seth, you there? What's up, J-Trey? Yeah! You're fucking kidding. Have you been getting my texts? You haven't been getting back to me. Yeah, well, see we're at the theater, but they won't let us go see our own movie without an adult. Can you please, please buy his tickets? I would love to do that, but I can't, because unfortunately that would make me a very bad role model. Role model? You're not a role model. We don't look up to you at all. So if that's what's stopping you from buying us tickets, you know. I have a better idea. Go see The Lion King. There's no drugs. There's no violence. Uh, and if it makes two billion dollars, I start to see back end. We've seen it a million times. Not like this, kiddo. Why is everything a freaking sequel? It's not a sequel. It's even better than a sequel. It's our remake. That's even worse, Rogan. No, no, no, no. It's actually, it's completely different. How? The first one was made with traditional animation. This one's made with photorealistic computer animation. Like it looks real, but it's not real. You kids are too dumb to get this stuff. Okay, smart ass. Just hang up. I have an idea. It's working. For the last time, okay? Go home or I'm going to call the cops. I just need to bring in my car for an oil change and enlist in the army. Three for good boys. Seriously, dude? Damn it. I told you I should have done this. You don't look 17. Neither do you. But I'm the best actor. I could have pulled it off. Did you win a Central Ohio Film Critics Award? Did you? It was nominated for fucking Judi Dench. You had us bring drugs to a fucking playground? Oh, Lord.
cracked	the_7_horrible_movies_bruce_willis_made_in_2021_re_edited	So a few weeks ago, while recording the podcast, Jesse, Ally, and I realized that Bruce Willis had made a ton of movies in 2001, and I jokingly said we should watch all of them and make an awards ceremony for them, because I was pretty sure they would all be bad. And I was right. We made the video, we released it, and then five days later it came out that Bruce Willis has aphasia. What is aphasia? Well, CracksEliYudin wrote an article for crack.com about it that I'm just going to read from real quick. There are a lot of different ways it manifests, but the simplest definition is that it's a neurological disorder resulting from damage to parts of the brain that handle language processing and can come from either trauma like a stroke or develop slowly as a result of a disease or tumor. We don't know how Bruce got it, but we don't really need to know, necessarily. I mean, if you want to know more, there are other, probably more medically legit sites than Cracked to go figure that stuff out. And if you want to donate to aphasia research or something, I don't know of anywhere that's legit. I don't want to point to anywhere necessarily, but that doesn't mean that they're not out there. I'm just not aware of anything. So I don't think the original video is particularly mean-spirited towards Bruce or anything. Really, we were just making fun of the movies, which he's barely in anyway. And it's clear that the producers are just using his name to get a quick infusion of interest in cash before people realized, no, Bruce isn't even really in these movies at all. They're just trying to make a quick buck off of some script their dumb nephew wrote or something. But we still focused on a few moments where Bruce seemed to be phoning it in, which granted he probably would have done with or without communication issues. But they're just not as funny now in light of this announcement, regardless of the intention behind the jokes. So we enlisted the original video for a while while we learned more. But obviously we're re-uploading the video with a new intro, this, and cutting all the parts where it felt like we focused too directly on Bruce's performance. But we still felt like there was value in this video because A, the scripts are still bad, regardless of the performances around them. And we still think it's okay to make fun of these movies. They're still bad movies. And B, to be perfectly honest, we thought Bruce was making these as a cash grab anyway to make some money. And it turns out that's probably true. It just so happens that he was trying to make money potentially for his family knowing that he was going to retire soon. Which honestly means he probably stands and his family stands to benefit from us being more aware of these movies anyway. So might as well show them even if they're bad. And I mean, they are a fun hate watch if you're into that kind of thing. I don't think he or anybody involved thought they were making the second coming of Die Hard. I think they were just making movies, making money. And I doubt they'd be surprised that anybody would make fun of the movies now that they're out. And to be clear, none of this detracts from the man's legendary career. He's made some of my favorite movies of all time, notably Unbreakable and like 80% of the Die Hards. We all make crap sometimes. I do it weekly. So without further ado, here are the lightly edited Brucey Awards. Well, this is Jordan Breeding reporting live from the Dan Bruces. The movie award show dedicated solely to the movies that Bruce Willis makes. I'm not allowed into the main event because my cameraman got COVID. So I'm here in this garage, the parking garage of the event. If they are meeting Bruce Willis right now, I'm going to freak out. Whatever the show must go on in 2021. While many of us were privately touring, government buildings are sitting inside weeping silently. Bruce Willis was working, working his damned ass off. The man, the myth, the die horror starred in no fewer than seven movies in 2021. All of which were direct to video and pretty much all of them were produced by the same people. And pretty much all of them he filmed in about a week or less, which is why he was able to make so many. But what were those movies? Well, first there was Cosmic Sin, which is basically Starship Troopers, but everybody is old and sad. Then Out of Death, which is five people slowly walking through the woods for 90 minutes and occasionally shooting guns into the air. Then Midnight in the Switchgrass gave us Basically True Detective if Bruce Willis was digitally inserted into the background of a couple scenes. Then Survive the Game Up the ante by being basically Die Hard on a farm with drug dealers. And then Apex added a twist by being Die Hard on an island with a little Far Cry mixed in. Then we got Deadlock, the harrowing tale of saving a town from stock footage of a flood. And finally, Bruce blessed us with Fortress, the story of a young man trying to explain crypto to boomers and fix his dad's Wi-Fi. What a slate! And while I'm sure this year's stupid, dumb, boring Oscars will do a great job of heaping praise all over that gay cowboy movie that Sam Elliott loves so much, none of Bruce Willis's movies were even nominated, which is a damn shame and one that we intend to rectify right now. So without further ado, welcome our first presenter, famed lifeguard and blank man apologist, Jesse Eismann. Thank you, Jordan. Wow. This year's Bruceography is quite the smorgasbord of cinematic delights. But one thing each of these films has in common is that they all technically had a script with undeniably words in them. Here are just some of those words and also the nominees for best screenplay, including Apex. Survive the game. Midnight in the Switchgrass. And it belongs to me. Cosmic Sin. Out of death. Images. I'm a photojournalist. Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock? Fortress. Have you heard of cryptocurrency, Dad? Digital assets. You've heard of Bitcoin, right? Yeah. Sure. Deadlock. It was probably my eighth birthday my mother was yelling at me. She was like, hey, you clown, why don't you go to the fucking clown prison where the circus is going to come over here and take you away with all the rest of you and the rest of the clown. Where you at, Cankles? Makeup. You may think of makeup as that thing that women wear too much or too little of, depending on my tastes, which must be obeyed. But makeup can also create shocking genre-altering effects, like a little bit of blood coming out of your ear or a little bit of blood coming out of your nose. So without further ado, here are the nominees for best makeup. Apex. For this bloody, from everywhere, decapitated head that somehow manages to look nothing like the originally decapitated character who was decapitated. For somehow making this chick's hair yellow. And the winner is Apex. For blood. This movie can't get enough of that red, red blood. God, it looks real. Wow. I have long been lending my talents to the author of Bruce Willis direct to video action films. I believe that the common denominator in the universe is not harmony, but movies in which a bullet hits another bullet and then those bullets explode. And a man walks away from that explosion in slow motion. It is a great honor to present the nominees for best cinematography, all of which I have worked on and lent my considerable talents. For who else but the great Turner Herzog would have the eye for such inscrutable fight scenes that only show shots of hands and crotches. Or a needlessly long one shot of a stumbling woman. Or accomplished shots of CGI rain not getting anything actually wet. Or perhaps you do not understand the great metaphorical significance of having action thingies stand in for real actors in a film. And the winner for the best cinematography is... me. It is always me. Yes, it is my deft creative hand behind all of these films. So I am the winner, so take that, Turner. Okay. Take it, Turner. Enjoy it. Sorry about that. We have just been informed that Turner Herzog did not in fact work on any of the aforementioned movies. The winner is Midnight in the Switchgrass, I guess, for trying the hardest and looking the most washed out. Sometimes the best thing you can do for an ailing friend or coworker is to simply show up. And that's the extent of what these actors did in support of their leads in this The Rock Bottoms of their careers. The nominees for best supporting actor are Nels Lenerson in Apex for Rhetorical Fratricide. You've always been without a brother. Why are you doing this to me? I was there for you. You always, always did things. You told me crazy, my heart. I can't stand you. I tried to help you. I tried to save you. Lucas Haas in Midnight in the Switchgrass for silently sniffing clothes for a truly Oscar worthy amount of time. Costas Mandalore in Cosmic Sin for being an old soldier guy who likes to dance and wonders if aliens also dance. Do you think aliens have music? Do you think they dance? Do you think they pay your part out? Tyler John Olsen in Out of Death for portraying a crooked cop who very realistically gets the shit beat out of him by a tiny woman, then gets sad about it and does cocaine just so sadly. Michael Soreau in Out of Death for giving us a masterclass on losing your shit in a pickup truck. Far-right YouTubers, take note. Michael Soreau in Fortress for golf cart douche bagging. The fortress! You hear that, assholes? It's Miller time, motherfucker! Hey, come back! Douglas S. Matthews in Deadlock for killing it as a cowardly security guard. Hey, you got this? I gotta hit the junk. Right on time. Hey, you gotta keep it regular, right? No, I wasn't here doing my business. I heard gunshots, so I popped my head out. I'm still just pushing people around. And the winner is Nell's letters in Apex. Wow, that's some world class quit hitting yourself. I do it, I do it. There's nothing we can do about it. Women will find a way to get on screen, and these women are no exception. They turned in exceptional performances just for not as much on-screen time as a leading actress. These are your nominees for Best Supporting Actress. Megan Pita Hill in Apex for being the kind of rich lady who you do not want to mess with. Babe, time to show us the turkey. Perry Reeves in Cosmic Sin for deftly switching between playing a doctor, Bruce Willis's ex-wife, and a converted alien overlord in equal measure. Our culture is more our breeding. This woman in Fortress for playing the fk you, lady. Fk you. I'm not telling you st. Olive Elise Abercrombie in Midnight in the Switchgrass for accurately portraying a sad, strange little girl who cannot wink and literally count stars by hand. Hey, you are Mr. Boss. Oh my goodness, it's an upset. The winner is Kelsey Rose Weimer in Deadlock for Pregnant Lady who briefly humanizes the villain. It's a girl. Congratulations. Actors. They're responsible for some of mankind's boldest podcasts, vodka brands, and war crimes. But they all had their modest beginnings in the humble art of acting. Each of these men did some amount of acting in the most generous definition of the word in these films. So here are the nominees for Best Technically Actor. Neil McDonough in Apex for this meagly little gorgasm. Chad Michael Murray in Survive the Game for this gut-wrenching flashback scene scored by Diet Imogen Heap. You can't drop me. Bruce Willis in Cosmic Sin for portraying a man who does support committing genocide, but does not support telling your wife about it. When you find someone, don't tell them what we do here. Jesse Metcalf in Fortress for getting absolutely manhandled by this jag-off. Patrick Muldoon in Deadlock for Mack, a guy who showed up for his shift with a hangover and still had to work. You didn't get no fight. You didn't make out like nobody. And we couldn't drive. That's a win. And the winner is Chad Michael Murray Survive the Game. Mmm, saccharin and cheesy. You know it's curdled. Here's your trophy for him. Now for one of the most hotly contested categories of the night, Best Actress. Best Actress is exactly like Best Actor, except that these actors are women. Which means Bruce Willis can't be nominated, which is bull. But even still, these women really actress. Your nominees for Best Actress are Jamie King in Out of Death for becoming a triple threat by fighting, crying and talking to her dead dad. Please, for the first time, just tell me I can do this. Megan Fox in Midnight in the Switchgrass for beating the shit out of Machine Gun Kelly. Kelly Grayson in Fortress for everyone's favorite Oscar bait, doing an accent. I misled you. In the interest of transparency, I'm in fact not British. American research shows that people find a British accent more trustworthy. Ava Paloma in Deadlock for Sofia, the shrewish ex-girlfriend who highlights how chill the hero is. And Kate Katzmann in Survive the Game, for I didn't get the role of Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad, but I'm not gonna let that stop me. And the winner is Kate Katzmann for Survive the Game. Congratulations, it just goes to show. Follow your dreams. You can always find another movie to play Harley Quinn in. Let's go cause some trouble. Alright, even though I don't really know what's going on in there, I do technically have all the nominations for Best Picture right here, so I'll just, let's just do that. The nominees are Midnight in the Switchgrass, because man, it's tried so damn hard with a million shots of literal grass swaying and a serious story about a serial killer, and incredible directorial flourishes like this reverberated fk. Honestly, tons of f**k words in general, because again, it's so serious. Cosmic Sin, because never before has a movie so boldly embraced committing genocide and then making sure you don't tell anybody about it because they won't get it. We need more movies like this. For being a really serious movie where they probably definitely improvised a lot of the scenes, including this one with a chair. And the winner is Bruce Willis. Thank you. Good night. Drive home safe. Really, nothing matters. Nothing matters. Good night.
dropout	the_fix_for_annoying_summer_parents_parent_in_a_box	Tired of your overbearing? You're gonna get a sunburn. Mom. Back to school, hon. Even got something for dad. Fun, right? Controlling. Come on, guys. Let's do a conga line. And embarrassing parents. Ruining your summer vacation? You need Parent in a Box Summer Edition. From the makers that brought you Parent in a Box, the revolutionary parent containment tool that puts you in control comes Parent in a Box Summer Edition. Due to increased time spent with parents in the summer, our team of leading box experts have improved upon the original Parent in a Box design, adding inbox activities so you can customize the container experience for mom or dad. Now your parents can enjoy their favorite activities like non-strenuous exercise. Whenever you're doing so good at that, I thought we were... Blonde maintenance. Yeah, I'll go. Okay, you can do that. And endless conversations with their sisters within the comfort and confinement of Parent in a Box Summer Edition. And best of all, you can enjoy your summer freedom guilt-free. Just ask these satisfied customers. My mom kept bugging me to start my summer reading list, but thanks to the new custom options, she now has a summer reading list of her own. I was really worried my dad was going to set the house on fire this Fourth of July, but not anymore. Thanks, Summer Edition. So join the trillions of happy teens that are taking control and having the summer they always dreamed of with Parent in a Box Summer Edition. Yours for just six easy payments of $54.99. Act fast. Our operators are standing by. In boxes, their teens put them in. Order now. Visit benzac.com to start taking control of your skin today.
dropout	elegant_corn_morning_drawfee	Welcome to morning Drawfee. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And today this is the drawing show we do where we take suggestions from the comments on YouTube and we turn them into drawings. And today our suggestion comes from Celine at least and she wanted us to draw elegant corn which is something we can do. I'm gonna go and just get right into it. You know you leave your suggestion. This is I'm gonna be drawing Duke Cobb of Redenbacher. Don't even, don't try. Don't try and work that. Mm-hmm. That's some good looking corn. So that he's got some some ears right here and then a big, a big frilly Victorian collar. Or not even Victorian. They didn't wear those back then. This is more like a Renaissance. Yeah. He's a real Renaissance corn. So elegant. Just. It's the real, the bell of the ball. The real deal. He's got his husk. Oh yeah. I'm gonna give him just a big whoop. You can tell that guy. He has been... He has some indentured servants. Oh yes. For sure. He has many deeds and titles. He has probably five or six homes. Mm-hmm. Estates as they're called. He goes fox hunting. He goes, would corn hunt? Would they hunt foxes? I don't know. I feel like this is one of one of the things that like the YouTube people would suggest. It's like, oh what if instead of people hunting things, it was animals hunting people. And yeah, that's... Popular suggestion. We're probably not gonna do those. Unless it's like very, very creative. Exactly. That's what we like. And you know, flipping the script on stuff is, can be fun. Can be fun. But your likelihood of getting chosen might go down. Decrease a bit. So Nathan, how's your day going? My day? Yeah. I've been making a flow chart. Oh, a flow chart for the website. People just, I don't know if people know this, but people have to make the flow charts. You don't have to make the contest. You don't just plug it in. It's not like a meme generator. You don't just go and you plug it in and you have a confession bearer saying some boring thing that you think only you do or feel. Alright, he's a... Now let's give him a doublet. Gotta get that doublet going. Not a triplet. No. Fuck you. No. A doublet. Okay. Oh yeah. He's got a bit of a... Like that. Sure. Yeah. These are some elegant corns. Mm-hmm. He's got like a big kind of, one of those big floppy, floppy shirt things, you know. Oh, those floppy shirts. Yeah, the floppers. Back in the day. Michelangelo floppers. Michelangelo-style. He's a real Renaissance corn. Renaissance. You know, can't make too many jokes about it. No, you shouldn't. It's probably important. Let's take a moment. Reset. No, I feel like... I can feel the elegance of this corn. What are the pants? Oh, they got those like big... Yeah. Yeah, the big... And then... People were big into thighs. This is... Yeah. They want... Their pants wanted to accentuate just the wideness of thighs. You had to have good thighs back in the day. Yeah. And then those little buckle boots. Oh, gotta have buckles on your boots. How are you gonna stay tight? How are you gonna avoid the plague if you don't have buckle boots? That's the thing. People thought that the plague got in through your toes, so they buckled their feet in. Is that real? Oh, yeah. Very real. Ask anyone. Ask anyone that is dumb. And really, all they needed to do was like wash their hands. All they had to do was, you know, make sure that they didn't... Make sure that they smelled five roses a day. And yeah, also don't like kiss rats. Don't use rats as utensils. Don't kiss rats. That's not religion. Why do you do that? God doesn't want you to do that. I mean, we don't know. Maybe. That's true. Mysterious ways and all. All right. I got to shift over to you, man. So that's my elegant corn. That is some elegant corn. He's ready to duel. Yeah. I got to draw a little sash there for you. If someone were to... Sash of state. Oh, yeah. That's a corn statesman. I hope that nobody calls me out on my sword. They're like, actually, that's a pet. That's more of a... That's a more of a falchion. That's a cutlass. Is that a... Oh, yeah. Cutlass is a thing. It's like a... All right. Get in here. It's thicker. And a pet or a foil would be thinner, I believe. But what do I know? So on his arm... Oh, what is this? It's his lovely lady. The lady. Let's get in there. She's a real... Is she going to be beautiful or is she more like a buttered corn face? That's a legitimate question. That's a great question. We got to give her big shoulders. Got to give her big shoulders. Got to get them shoulders. Everyone knows that corn has shoulders. Corn ladies of the day. Yeah, shoulders. Opera glasses. Give her like 12 pairs of opera glasses. She's going to have some opera glasses. They're going to the opera. They're posing for a portrait. A quick portrait. A quick... Just a quick... A quick... A quick selfing portrait, as it's called. So they can post it. A selfing. Yeah. So they can post it on... On instant painting. No, instant painting. Okay. Marjorie, please, we must pose for a quick selfing. So as to alert our friends to our activities so that we might gain upped thumbs. Upped thumbs. That our profile might prosper. The uptest of thumbs. I like to imagine that he just... He just bought the old Duke of Tomatoden's estate. Like, there's some serious feuding going on with him and the, you know, the Earl of Carrot. This is the whole world. It's a whole thing. It's a whole world. It's a whole thing. You know, these are the one for centers. It wouldn't be a trophy if we didn't make up an entire, you know, like fake animated TV show for each and every thing that we draw. Look at this. Oh, man. So she's got her leaves sort of sort of cupped. Right. That's a style. In the style of the times. Yes. No, modern corn cobs where there leaves a little more bobbed. It's a more modern look. Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. So she's got like kind of a princess peach thing going on here with her costume. Yeah, I don't know how to draw. I don't know how to draw women except as princess. Let me give you let me give you a hot tip. Put a broach on it. Oh, yes, man. A popcorn broach. Yeah. Oh, that is stylish and with times. Yeah. This is a period piece. Smoke that period piece. Get high on historical inaccuracies. Holding is from underneath. Is that a way? Yeah, that's the way the ladies did. No, they would. I think it would be more delicate. She should put her hand over over top. Right. With the pinky up. Pinky up. Hand top pinky up. That's the way I caught my man. Pop court. Pop courting. Yeah. You know, I realized you asked me how how my day was going. And you know, I answered. I answered and then did not think to ask how yours was. That's number one route as hell. I mean, that's that's one of that's usually why I'm thinking somebody somebody on the Facebook page, which by the way, there's a Facebook page where we do a drop every day, every single day, you can ask, you can request things there. You can just watch. You can post random comments with that English. It's up to you. Whatever you want to do. But somebody this morning said, oh wow, these guys sound like they're totally high because they're coughing all over the place. As it turns out, and it turns out coughing is we're not only caused by being happy. It's the only way that's not the only reason why anyone has ever coughed. It's true. If someone coughs, you know that they're high. That's why so many people died in like the in throughout human history. They would cough and people would be like, oh, you're not sick. You're just you're just fucking blazed out of your gourd. And that's dope. And they try to high five them, but they'd already be dead because of consumption. And then people would be like, oh, do you have consumption because you have the munchies and you just want to eat stuff? No, they're sick as hell. Yeah. So anyway, to the person on the Facebook page that thought I was high. No, I just have a cold because Facebook got a goddamn cold because it's it is it's March and it's 20 degrees outside and everything sucks. Yeah, this is this is March now that this has come out. Yeah, it's not even I know you're supposed to be evergreen and stuff when you make things. But no, it's March. It is I'll tell you it is. It's going to be March 1st soon. And it'll be March 2nd. And then it'll be March 2nd. And this is calendar talk with Nathan. What is she doing? Oh, she's got her opera. You got to have your opera. Whether or not you're at the opera doesn't matter. You never know when an opera could happen. You never know what an opera could happen. An impromptu four hour rings of the knee balloon by Faulkner just like pops out of nowhere. You got to be ready. Oh, get ready for it. She looks like yeah, she's a little more matronly. She's elegant. Yeah. Fair enough. Oh, wow. Oh, man, what a catch. The Duke of the Duke of Redenbacher has done well. Many are his prizes, but none greater than Marjorie Redenbacher. Marjorie Marjorie. She's covered in. Yeah, non-fat. Cool. Yeah, I think. Let's give her let's give her like a hat. Oh, yeah. Like a big book. She would have like a big. I'm giving her a big melting piece of butter as a hat. Oh, I love it. Accurate. Yeah, that's that's all the corn. This is a stay classy. Hey, hey, Selena. Is this elegant enough for you? Selena, you tell us. You tell us. Actually, everyone tell us. Go to the YouTube page, rate, subscribe, comment, leave us comments. Tell us what to draw. And don't just say gay Batman. Don't just say gay Batman. Think for one second about what you want us to draw. Gay anything. Yeah. If your suggestion is the word gay, and then a word, it's not gonna get picked. Guys, buddies, pals. Cows, friends. There's so many adjectives out there. There's so many better adjectives in this big blue marble we call Planet Earth. So just try harder. Elegant corn. See, look at that. Look at the fun we had here with drawing something that isn't gay Batman or gay Superman. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but come on. Up your game. What is this? It's a little popcorn. Oh, is this a little baby? A little baby popcorn? He's following them. He's like their butler. Oh, I like that. I like that more. He's got a little, even though it's not really consistent with the times. Uh-huh. So this is like this, this adds like a horrifying new layer to this where their offspring are just kind of like, you know, they get too close to the fire and all of a sudden they have a million new children or like maybe they're just mind slaves. I think that's better. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. What do you think they, what do they eat at the movie theater? What did they eat at the movie? See, that would be popcorn eating people at a movie theater. Yeah. That's what you think. That's like the cute suggestion, but no, it's, it's just babies. It's just baby parts. It's not even like full people. It's just like baby teeth. It would just be a little, they just like just a big bag of baby teeth and they're just crunching them down. Is that what you want? Is that what you want us to draw? Is that what you want? You perverted fools. You silly people. Okay. So, um, all right, click on this little guy. Yeah. To rate and subscribe. There you go. And, uh, we, we've got some, some recommendations of some funny stuff on the website that we work for. Nate's greats, as we call them. That's what, as of, as of never, that's what we're calling them. So, uh, I think, you know, that's what they're called now. You know, the Oscars were on Sunday. Um, but those movies are still relevant. Those movies are still relevant. And if you haven't seen them, maybe you want to see some sex moves inspired by them. Maybe you want to learn something. Maybe you want to, uh, think about those movies, reflect on them, and then also learn how to do, uh, some weird sex stuff. I don't know. Lovely illustrated article, not illustrated by either of us. Illustrated by the amazing Coleman angle. Go check it out. Coleman angle is one of my favorite, uh, freelancers. It's, uh, it's called Oscar sex moves. And why don't you just click on this, click on this lovely lady margarine, lady margarine, uh, to go and check that out. And then my recommendation is for, um, a fun video that we just posted called the guy who has never seen or heard of anything starring our buddy, Brian Murphy. So click on, um, do it, do it big out in Hollywood. Yep. Click on Duke Redenbacher to go check that out. Um, and I think that's all we've got for this week. Please rate and subscribe and leave us comments and continue watching. And you know, assume we're on various drugs. Now we're going to go do the, now we're going to go do the drugs. Go get that big pile of drugs ready. Have a great week. Oh, the pile. Yeah. Got the pile.
TheOnion	The_A_V_Club_s_PARAMETER_Film_Contest_The_Ballad_of_Oscar_Homeslice	Pardon me, are you two here for the interviews about the dishwasher position? Well, we're running a little late. We'll just give you a call as soon as we're ready. So just sit tight. Okay. Thank you. So you're here for the big dishwasher job opportunity also? Yeah. Yep. Going for the dishwasher. Yep. All right. I hear that. You nervous? No. No, not really. I mean, it's a dishwasher job. Anyone can do it. Yeah. I mean, that's a large part of my concern, you know? I mean, if anyone could do it, why would they pick me? What makes me special, you know? I think you're overthinking it, man. It's just washing dishes. It's not rocket science. Rocket science. Yeah. You failed, Spacey Cam. Oh, God. Looks like you don't really believe in yourself. Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Legendary astronaut Oscar Holmeslice. I'm legendary astronaut Oscar Holmeslice. Oh, my God. You were one of my childhood heroes. I always wanted to be an... Yeah, I know. Well, it's kind of dumb, but I always wanted to be an astronaut. Spacey Cam, 1996. You failed. Didn't go exactly as you planned, did it? Yeah. Life hasn't been too good since then, Mr. Holmeslice. I feel like maybe I was supposed to be an astronaut. It just never came together. I don't... Maybe I shouldn't be anything. I don't... I don't know. I'm here to tell you that you've got to move on. You can't judge your entire life based on Spacey Cam. Looks crazy. I wasn't good enough. Now, listen here. Are you not a man? Are you not a human being? Does that not have value? I wasn't good enough to be an astronaut like you. You need to wise up. Practice. When you get up in the morning and you're brushing your hair, you're brushing an astronaut. And when you're out in the evening and you're walking your dog, you're walking an astronaut and you're an astronaut too. And astronauts are pretty special people, don't you think? So you need to believe in yourself and come with me and sing. Come on, try it. Try what? Try singing a little bit. Sing something from the heart. Oh, um, yeah, okay. Yeah? I'm feeling pretty nervous. I'm not at all impervious to criticism. Hope I don't cry in the interview. Nope. Wrong. You're a real go-getter and a real cool guy. And you won't accomplish anything unless you try. You're a winner and a triumph and you made the grade. And you have a high score on every game at the arcade. And if it were up to me, I would call the president so he could see what a real cool guy you're going to be. And you're going to get that job. You're going to start as a dishwasher, but pretty soon, we'll be popping buttons in your name, but you'll be out of the room and moving on. You're going to climb the corporate ladder because everyone is an astronaut and we're all exploring space. Why do you keep saying that? What do you mean? It doesn't seem... Only very few people are astronauts. I mean, I don't... We have come to be Twixt the molecules and planets And we're flying free On a beautiful ball Shooting round just one Of a trillion burning suns We are space men, one and all And everyone is an astronaut It's miraculous but cool Yes, everyone is an astronaut Everyone, including you You're right, Mr. Homeslice. I guess in our own way. Everyone is an astronaut Because we're all exploring space Mr. Homeslice, you've inspired me I think I know what it is that I'm supposed to be Wait a minute, the answer will come to me I am a hippogriff, Mr. Homeslice Soaring through the cosmos I'm the magic flying offspring Of a griffin and a mare And I thank you, Mr. Homeslice Because everyone's an astronaut But only I am literally, literally, literally Literally a hippogriff now That's Mr. Hippogriff to you, puny mortal. I believe in myself I'm a hippogriff I'm going to get this job I'm a hippogriff And I will do my duty Listen as I tell you Hello, I am a hippogriff I'm a real teen player And a big self-starter And I believe everyone's an astronaut Get out of here, get out of my office What are you doing? I'm here about the dishwashing job No, you're a beast You won't be able to wash dishes You have talons instead of hands So I... You can't have the job No, you're not... It's ridiculous Go away Good Because I am a hippogriff And a hippogriff doesn't need a job Gross!
TheOnion	Stalker_Financial_Expert_Offers_Recession_Tips_Just_For_Woman_He_Follows	You may not know this, but a lot of statistics show that women generally have a much harder time in a bad economy. That's right, Jim. But we've got Today Now financial expert Dan Kellogg with us, and he's going to give us some tips to help women make it through. Hi, Dan. Hi, guys. Now, Dan, why is it that women do fare worse than men during tough financial times? Well, Jim, women in America have an average of 45 percent less money in savings than men, so they don't have as much of a safety net. In addition, women still only make about 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. Such a shame. Of course, it's also good that women are in the workforce pursuing careers. But working full-time, like the woman you see here, for example, makes for a very stressful situation. If you're also the one that's dropping Danny off at school, picking Renee up from ballet practice, and trying to do all of the grocery shopping by yourself at the Food Lion on Cortland Boulevard. As a working mother myself, I have problems juggling between professional life and family life. Yes, the stress to do that and work more can be so great, in fact, that these women end up crying at their desk when they think they're alone. Oh, that's so sad. It's very sad. You just want to reach out and hug these women and pull them close to your body and feel their hot tears on your neck. But you can't do that even though you're so close. Exactly right. So what should women do? Well, they need to put some more money away for their own long-term financial stability. Good point. So women should just cut back on some of these extras. Yes, like going out to dinner and a movie with your ugly, balding, mouth-breathing husband. Instead, go out and take a walk in the evening alone. Just stroll through the park across the street from your house and pass very near the public restrooms. Sure. Also, women should wear their blue silk robe more often and not that old flannel thing. Well, that certainly doesn't cost a cent. What else can they do? Well, get rid of those credit cards. Just rub them all over your body and rub them in your armpits. Get your scent all over them and then just leave them in a box next to your trash can. Right. So women should build that nest egg. Right. That way you're going to be much better off if anything ever happens to your husband. Like say he gets run down across the street from his office at 536 Broom Street. Oh, yeah. Well, Dan Kellogg, thank you so much for your expertise. Thanks, guys. And good luck to all you women out there. You bet.
TheOnion	Joad_Cressbeckler_Homosexuality_A_Necessity_On_Cold_Mountaintops	Well, that tiny woman wants me to show you I was winning a statue at the News Book Awards for my biographical book last night. Now, I'm not for giggly prancing like some fatty queen of 15 at the Harvard's Bar and Foot Dance, but go ahead and take a look. Thank you, sirs and mams. Old Joe is right proud, isn't he? Thank you, now. I don't think old Joe's gone and went soft, cause I ain't. I just didn't take that 0800 I was googling up at me. And then I said, take that picture down before I fix your flint. We got plenty to jaw, and everyone's hollering about what's called gay marriage after them gays marked them rainbows and warts, and here for talking big old toad in the puddle from national organizations for marriage. Brian Brown. Good to be here, Joe. What's your bug with gays, Brown? Well, my organization feels it's important to protect the sanctity of marriage. Legally sanctioning two men to marry would be harmful. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, Brown. You never been mining on a mountain during the chilling season. Fort night in the Black Hills, two men got to pile up together to stay warm. Well, that may be, Joe, but the government still shouldn't... It's colder in Boston coffee up there in them hills. You say it ain't right for our two old prospectors to tug at each other's pickers to keep them from dropping off in the frostbite. Joe, the fact is, homosexuality is bad for families. We had our own family up in the mine. We call it warm skin family. Only uttered it once, but then we knew. But legal marriage has always been defined as between a man and a woman. Them mines ain't no place for women folk. Lay the mule up hill and haul no bounty with all them pillowy parts, and the bears are right attracted to their menses. But, Joe, it is bad for a child to be raised by a same-sex couple. No, it ain't. You need them tiny hands to reach inside those cave cracks and pinch all that gold. Now, you can't do it with a grown man's hands. Joe, I am talking about regular American families here. Whatever happened to you in the mines doesn't matter. This is the question of... It doesn't matter! You haul a man in your arms through the night, and you feel his sweat on you and his bristles and still... It doesn't matter! Joe, Joe, listen to me. You got to hush up. You just about know what you know nothing of. It's a dumb time to go over to the adverts, but as we do, we're fixing to listen to my spokebook. Now, you see, it was the first time I ever laid eyes on snow. Thought my brain leaked out in my head, and I was sitting in the yard when this white bumpkin started dripping out of the sky and made me damn near shit. I'd seen 10 eagles in my life, and I killed nine of them, and I was sure that eagle was the one that'd gone away and come back again to taunt me. He was circling above the corral, quiet-like, and if there weren't so many cattle around, I'd have a loose black baby and shot him wanting a tent feather for my pride hat. But gunshots quickest way to a stampede, and I had Brandon to do. Now, for that day, I'd never branded a cow, so I damn near jumped at the way that beast yelled out when I pressed him. He said, it made me wonder if cows got minds in them. Hmm, I'd eaten a brain, but it don't taste like no man mind. Cows got conscience in the brain, so they got a musher brain than man's, but man's brain ain't much for taste. Mix it in your whiskey for power.
dropout	the_best_dog_drawfee_show	Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Hello. Hi. And today we are drawing the best dog. The best dog? Yes. Who suggested that Caldwell? It's funny you ask. It's funny you ask that question just unprompted out of the blue. Well usually we say who suggested the suggestion at the top of the show. I just I feel like you know let's switch it up. Okay. Maybe maybe a lot of people suggested it maybe it was a secret suggestion that it came only to me. Maybe I forgot who suggested it and couldn't find the suggestion again and but swear that it actually happened. Yeah that sounds like what happened. Yeah. The last one that you said. Yes. I think is what actually happened. So yeah we I saw this suggestion. Yeah Caldwell is convinced that he saw this suggestion the best. I think Caldwell really wanted to draw a dog. It's true. And I can't say no to his face. I can't say no to a dog. Yeah. So I'm pretty sure that somebody suggested this. Maybe it was just a dream I had. If you think you suggested it come forward in the comments and take ownership. Come forward. Let yourself be named. Have a real Spartacus situation going on. Get in here. Okay so this dog is this looks like a pretty good standard dog. He's got that nose. Yeah. He's got like a nice a nice smiling dog face. Yeah. As dogs tend to have. It's pretty basic bitch thus far. Oh it's a female. Yeah it's a female. That's what that means. That's where that term originated. Uh-huh. It was just breeders. Dog breeders. This is the most the most yeah. Oh that's good. I'll call her. I just want to pet that dog. Yeah you can. Because you know why it's the best dog. It's big into petting. Yeah. It enjoys enjoys petting. Mm-hmm. It got all tongue out. Not too friendly. Not too slobby. No. But like. A little bit. You gotta have some slobs. What's the dog's name? The best dog. Oh yeah right. Bestie dogerson. TBD. The best dog. TBD. His name is actually just best dog. Best dog. It's the best dog. It comes when you call him the best dog. He's your friend forever. Best dog. He doesn't walk in on you when you're with your girlfriend. An intimate moment. He's the best dog. He doesn't slowly nudge your arm when you're trying to work. Because he's the best dog. He understands that sometimes you're busy. But you still love him. He loves you back. That's right. This dog understands the concept of love. Best dog. Guys look forward to our album coming out. That's when I think we made it. When like our fans start like remixing dumb things we've said. Yeah. Like they do with Game Grumps. You can't just say it out loud man. Oh no. No they won't do it. They won't do it. This is like a total birthday wish sitch. A wish sitch. This is a total wish sitch and you and you goofed it. You goofed this witch sitch by saying it out loud. I'm sorry. It's all right. You must fuck up so many birthday wishes man. I always say the wish that I want and then I take and then I light more candles. Yeah. And then my house burns down. So this is I just drew like. You just drew a dog. I drew again. Every dog is the best dog. True. You know what the best dog is? What's that? It's your dog. Your dog. Because. But you know what? In my case my friend's dog because I don't have to take care of it. That dog ain't mine. Yeah it's true. The best dog is your friend's dog. But do you want to do you want to get in here and maybe like hack this dog? Yeah I'll hack it up. Can you up the best? I'll up the best. Okay. So here's thing a lot of people complain about with dogs is gotta pick up their poop after they poop. I'm complaining about that all the time. Oh the best dog his feces is money. The best dog. So it's kind of funny. It's a dog. Doesn't smell great but. No it smells really. It still smells like shit. It's still a dog's butt. Yeah. But like it's money. It's like it's currency for whatever whatever country you're in. Yeah. I know we have some. Well it depends on where it's bred. International fans. Oh yeah. So you got you got to get. This Rhodesian Rizback is only going to poop. Rhodesian bucks. Oh Rhodesian rupees. That's what that's what I'm drawing. That's what that's what their money looks like. These are Rhodesian Rupels. They have the like the border. Yeah. And then there's usually like some sort of thing. This is how it works though is like it doesn't even like squat. It's just like time to poop and then just money explodes out of its body. I mean you can train it to poop money outside. Like why would you. It's just gonna poop money. Not on the carpet. Oh wait. You're supposed to do it into this bank account. And my dog actually does direct deposit. I think yeah. It'd be cool if he wore sunglasses. Like permanently. I just think he's born with sunglasses. Maybe not born with them but like he gets that like sunglasses are fun. Yeah. Because people like to drag up their dogs. And oftentimes dogs look real unhappy in being dressed up. That's true. A lot of times dogs are like man if I knew how to use weapons I would use them on you. Yeah but like this dog like gets that it's adorable wearing sunglasses. Yeah the dog gets it. The dog like knows what you want. And the dog is accommodating as fuck. Just give them like some spots. Yeah. Oh you know it. But guess what. Those aren't any kind of spots. You can change them. Yeah. He's like a chameleon. Okay so what's he change them to. I don't feel like. No he can just like change where they are. Okay. He can accommodate like if you're not in a spots mood. If you're feeling stripes. If you're feeling. I'll draw some stripes on it too. I think yeah just like they go. Oh whoa. Yeah this dog is a friggin changeling. Yeah it like changes up its look depending on how you feel. Because like dogs can sense emotions anyway. It's true. Like this dog's like you want you want some stripes today? I think you seem like you want some stripes today. But I'll keep some spots and maybe just have like smiley face spot. Okay whoa. I believe it. Like one of those. This dog man my dog sucks in comparison to this dog. I hope my dog isn't watching this web video right now. She's gonna be so sad. If your dog watches web videos then it's more intelligent. It's a great dog. Just like a cloud of money. Can I hop in here? Yeah hop back in there. I got a quick suggestion. Yeah. Because the only thing better than this dog. Uh oh. Is what? What are you doing? I'll show you. What's happening. Another one. So it's but very small. It's just a small version of that's pooping pooping small money. Oh yeah. Well don't get you can give to your kids. Yeah. Tell them it's real money. But it's not. It's no this is a poop. It poops quarters. You know what? No no. Poops M&Ms. M&Ms minis? Yeah minis. To that dog. Everyone's favorite. It thinks it's regular size. I got I remember like buying M&Ms minis for the first time and being like oh man M&Ms minis. It's M&Ms with smaller. And then like my biggest complaint with M&Ms was they were too big. They were unwieldy. You just get those M&Ms you're like. What am I doing? Oh no. My mouth. My mouth can't handle the size of these little chocolate pellets. I'm at full capacity. Oh my mouth is just overflowing with minimums. What am I gonna do? But M&Ms minis you can just. You're just thickening up the stroke on that. When you shrink an image, this is a little art tip. When you shrink an image the lines get smaller proportionately with the image. This is fun. Yeah so like I like to think that this is like um it's like the dog's like spirit dog. Okay so this dog just comes with yeah with all dogs. And is that dog attached to its back or does it just like to hang out? It just hangs out there. It's like in it's like in the book series Golden Compass however everyone has a Damon which is like their song. Oh yeah. It's like that but. Where are they gonna make that into a series of movies? They made it into one movie. They made one movie. But they did a bad job. That movie did not do well enough to warrant making more? Um also one more thing. Okay. This dog does your taxes for you. What? Yeah It's very smart. What? Smart dog. Best dog. So it poops money and then it can figure out how. Well yeah. It can properly report. It uses the money. The money that you receive. Because obviously. It's a big it's like listen if you have one of these dogs you are getting slammed by the IRS. I don't know what category of income dog poop money falls into. You're paying major taxes. It's got the pencil in its mouth and then just the the stack of papers on the floor. Big stack of papers yeah. And he's just he's just like uh. I live in yeah so we have like a pretty high state tax here but like. So okay so this does this dog understand it understands language then. Yeah. It can communicate from writing. Uh-huh um no no it understands just taxes. It's kind of like a lassie situation where like if you're like go get help it'll straight up do that. But like. So it can get help and do do taxes. Yeah but if you're like ah like I had a rough day like do you think I should quit my job or like should I just stick it out because the benefits are good like it wouldn't be able to answer that. It would it would say yeah you had a rough day. And then you'd be like oh best dog you always don't want to say to cheer me up. Yeah it's uh. So it doesn't you know it kind of it gets it. It's an aspiring stand-up comedian. Yeah dog. So do you want to do you got anything else you want to add here or are we good to go? Um I hmm okay. Those are taxes you can tell by the their paper. Um yeah I got I got something. You got something you want to hop in here. I'm gonna add add a little. Go for it. Okay. Close this out. Okay. Close this out so we can go to bed and start dreaming about this dog. Okay. Um. Okay. I like this. Give it. Is he wearing is this like a onesie? No. Is he a horse? He's a he's the best dog secretly a horse. No he's uh good. Oh my goodness. This is like the fourth time you've just added wrong. Add roller skates. Because okay. You're the worst improv partner. Because no no here here's the thing. I uh I never what I never learned how to roller skate. Oh this is like a weird. Oh it's it's it's uh yeah. Do you like ride around on him? Yeah. Oh man. Because this dog's huge. That mini dog is like the size of a regular person. We should mention. Your taxes are really large. Also roller skates have like four. Yeah. So I've been drawing them wrong. Well also these are dog roller skates so I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the dog. The bark-n-fit of the dog. And uh. What are you saying? That doesn't make any sense. He also uh. Oh he's got a. He's also a bartender. Okay. So he can just bring you a. Oh that's beautiful. A nice mixed drink. Oh wow. Whenever you. Whenever you call him. Is that a um. Is that Tom Collins? What's going on in there? Oh wow. Uh-huh. And you know you say like he's like what are you in the mood for? You're like surprise me dog. Uh-huh. And you know what? He always he always comes through. Yeah a little hair of the dog. Am I right? Yeah a little. Uh. Mmm. Roller skates. I'm so sorry. I'm not. I had to add roller skates. Mini roller skates. I really want to see you at like an improv show. He's like uh. Hello doctor. Do you have some roller skates you can prescribe me? I uh. You do have cancer but also I'm wearing roller skates. And I started drawing them. The small one. I think they're they're implied. It's implied. That's fine. It's implied. You get you get your M&Ms minis. You got your money poop. You got taxes. You got beverages. Best dog. Roller skates. You know what? It's one last thing. Yeah. Um. And here it is. A little um. President. President Barry Obamba. President. There he is. Obamba. Uh. He's looking down and he's saying hmm that's the best dog. He's he's it's got the presidential. President. President Seal right there. Pres. And that just sort of hovers. Yep. Over the dog. Wherever it goes. Yes. That's the President Seal. He likes it a lot. So the it says Pres underneath the seal. No that's a signature. And then it says yes on the. Okay. Great. That's him signing it. That's what it is. Oh he signs the air underneath the seal. But this is his seal. Here's I'll tell you what you give that if you don't want to go to school tomorrow just print this out and put it on the paper and you're good to go. Um. That's been our show. Uh. Barry Obamba says that we can go home now and can go buy our best dogs because we did a good job on the show. But you should adopt him. You should adopt because it's free. It's free and it's better for the environment. Subscribe to this stupid piece of dog poop. Goodbye. We're sorry. We're very sorry.
TheOnion	Joe_Biden_Introduces_Trio_Of_Sexy_Bodyguards	This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Alright, first let's start off in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where the cash-strapped NASA program has launched a new mission to explore New Mexico. A robotic probe set out on its course for Albuquerque at 10.14 this morning and began to collect soil samples through the use of its mechanical arm. NASA administrator Michael Palasic said the Interstate 25 Odyssey project will provide vital information about the dirt in New Mexico and is much cheaper than actually going to space. The probe has already sent back some incredible footage of the side of the highway. Very cool. Now let's take a look at Pittsburgh, Indiana, where champion NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has donated $2 million to a new anti-illiteracy charity aimed at teaching Jeff Gordon to read. Gordon kicked off the project which aims to stamp out Gordon's illiteracy in his lifetime with a star-studded event where celebrities like Susan Sarandon and Kelsey Grammer read Mr. Gordon some of their favorite books while he sat on a so-called learning rug. At the event, Gordon announced, teaching me to read is the most important investment Americans can make in my future. Now, over to Washington, D.C., where Vice President Joe Biden has made an announcement that he will be releasing his Secret Service detail and replacing them with a squad of sexy female bodyguards. The team includes sharp shooter and demolitions expert Vivica Clay, Azura Moon, a Malaysian martial arts expert, and champion lightweight boxer Hera Rodriguez. Though the vice president's bodyguard roster is currently full, Biden said he is always on the lookout for new talent. Anyone wishing to be considered for the team can upload a resume of fighting skills and a photo of themselves in a bikini to the White House website.
TheOnion	Today_Now_Host_Starts_Charity_To_Rid_World_Of_Flying_Debris	First, we have a very special piece to share with you this morning, one that Tracy put together earlier this week, to bring us up to date on a topic that is really near and dear to her heart. Oh, Jim, that's so true. I feel so strongly about the issue of flying debris, and it's my hope that after viewing this segment that you'll feel just as strongly about it, too. So let's take a look. This is Karen Stillwell, wife, mother of three, and my best friend in high school. In 2003, she died from the effects of flying debris. Karen ate well and exercised regularly, but that couldn't protect her from the errant piece of wood that struck her in the forehead while she was water skiing. After Karen died, I made it my mission to ensure that nobody needlessly loses a friend to wind-borne rubble ever again. The foundation I started, Umbrellas of Love, seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. But to truly grasp the enormity of this problem, you need to hear from some of the brave survivors who were injured by random flying things hitting them. I woke up and heard the doctor say, you've been hit by a piece of flying rebar. I got crushed by a big old-fashioned stove and I really couldn't move. The flying debris survivors I've visited with are among the bravest people I know. They never blame the gust of wind that propelled a weather vane into their body or the rusted window grate that came loose and plummeted onto their heads. Instead, they say they feel lucky. If we're going to stop this epidemic of garbage and rubble killing innocent people, we're going to have to face some hard truths about the pervasiveness of unattached or insecurely attached objects throughout our nation's cities and towns. Make a plan to assess the risk of flying debris in your area. If you visit www.watchoutnow.org, you can download some printable debris markers. Simply affix these labels to any rocks, jagged pieces of metal, large branches, loose bricks, cars, and damaged gargoyles you see in your home, workplace, or neighborhood. If you notice your kids laughing at someone they see on TV getting clobbered by a random object, take the time to speak with them about the very real consequences of getting hit on the head with a vase. Please, tell a friend about the dangers posed by flying debris. Do it for me. For Karen, most of all, for yourself. Thank you. That is very powerful stuff, Tracy. You are going to help a lot of people. I just hope that by sharing my experience and my journey that I can make a difference in people's lives. You will. You are. Now, a romance expert is going to help you get the love life you want from that impotent, fat, balding husband of yours.
cracked	5_questions_about_the_captain_america_civil_war_trailer_cracked_responds	Josh, Tom, Alex, thank you for joining me for this screening of the trailer of Captain America vs. Iron Man Dawn of Justice. I'm so excited for my 18th time watching this trailer. That's not sarcastic. I love this trailer. Right away we know what the stakes are. Because they're just like, hey all those movies you guys watched, yeah we were reading all those think pieces you wrote about how superheroes are actually bad because they caused all this destruction and now this is their like rebuttal. At least three buildings are going to collapse. This isn't a post-destruction superhero movie. This is still, there's a lot of people are going to die. Tony Stark, because he's Tony Stark, his response is to build a gulag for bad superheroes in the middle of the ocean. Is that the only idea though that they had in that meeting, like, okay so we need ideas and Tony's like ocean gulag, like meeting a journey. Tony Stark is a better Batman than Batman because he's actually doing all the preparations for everything that Batman supposedly does. The other big difference is I see the Batman vs Superman trailer and I think, hey let's chill out with the superhero movies and I see this trailer and I'm like, this is the only kind of movie I ever need to watch again. They really took their time and decided to get us invested in at least 10 of these heroes before they made a movie. Yeah, it's gotten to the point where when I go see a movie and it's not in the Marvel universe, I'm surprised. You can sit down for the Revenant and you're like, oh no Marvel logo, let's see what this movie's got. I think this is the best scene in the trailer, the Tony's face right there. They're doing the equilibrium stuff, gun kung fu, gun fu if you will. I'm wondering if they're going to address the fact that Bucky's part of Hydra. They show the headline Howard Stark dies in a car crash but then Armin Zola's like no clue. It was actually Hydra that killed him and the sort of implication there is that Bucky did it because he was their person killing stick man for decades. I'm sorry if you guys think he's super cute. He did that. Well he is. He is super cute. He's gorgeous but he probably murdered Tony's parents. A stunning specimen. Underoos! Yay! Underoos! Every time I think that I'm done with Spider-Man movies, I see like a new Spider-Man trailer and I'm like, all right. Is he like an Ant-Man sidekick? He's an insect hero. They worked together to fight for bug justice. So Spider-Man was just an ordinary teenager and then he got bit by a radioactive, you guys, we should go over this since I don't think anybody knows the origin story of Spider-Man. Gets cancer from a spider? Yeah. He's bitten by a radioactive spider and gets spider leukemia. Hey you guys, thank you so much for watching us watch all of the superheroes do all the things. In the comments, let us know that we're right. Yeah, just agree with us. Just tell us that.
dropout	Troopers_vs_Social_Media	Oh, God. What's up? Oh, it's just you remember Devon from high school? Devon 11 with the extra finger? Yeah, it turns out he's a concert pianist now. God, social media is the worst. Quick, fake a picture of me looking cool in battle. Mm-hmm. Compare and despair, man. Huh? Compare and despair. You can't compare yourself to other people. Yeah, I guess not. Here, you think I compare myself to any of those randos? Uh, Larry, these aren't randos. These are you. This is parallelogram. It tracks all the yous in parallel universes. Yeah, but like, who cares? I don't even know these people. You are these people. It's like, what do they even have to do with me? You're the same person. Everyone's on their own path, right? So you're technically on the same path and then you branch off to different paths based on better or worse decision making? This is basically a magazine of how much better you could be. Look, here's you with abs. Oh, come on. He's just sucking in his gut and sucking out his pecs, biceps, calves. Dang, that's a hot Larry. Still, who wants to spend all their time at the gym? What about a family? You don't have a family. Yeah, but this Larry does. Oh snap, this Larry's hot too. Anyway, who needs to be shredded or love anyone? I'm focused on my career. You mean like this Larry? That's not me, that's Dreadlord. No, that's you having been promoted to Dreadlord. I can't believe I'm Dreadlord. I want to thank my wife, my kids, my personal trainer. Okay, but who's to say if any of these Larry's are happy? The app does. This one scores a 93. What do I score? A surprising 81. See, that's because I don't compare and despair. You know what Larry, I could learn a thing or two from you. The least successful Larry in the multiverse and you're still an 81, 54, 22? I can't be the worst Larry. Rich, I can't be the worst Larry. Quick, fake a picture of me looking cool in battle. What are you doing in my clothes? Just cosplay. This took so long to set up. Two credits. Already posted, so. Deleting. I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay though, I'll pay though. I can't be the worst Larry.
TheBetootaAdvocate	bulletin_06_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin	You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin recording live here from Baxter Boots Studio in downtown Batutah. The day is Thursday the 6th of June 2019. Saw heads this morning in the newsroom in the studio after a riveting contest last night for game 1 of State of Origin. Now if you are an elitist from down south WA you might not have been as invested in last night's match as we were but you missed out on a riveting match didn't they Errol? They did and today marks the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings at Normandy. So that's another thing that we should remember this week as of course the Tiananmen Square Massacre where the Chinese government murdered up to 10,000 young students of course. Moving on Wendell Hussey's in the studio the Richard Moorcroft of the Diamantina Shire. What have you got for us today Wendell? Yeah look let's kick things off for this week and we're going to start with some national news with Sydney residents finally being treated to some decent internet as Chinese warships arrived in the harbour. Ah well if you're listening anyone I take back all those things I said about Tiananmen Square obviously back in 1989 nothing happened there. Yes Ni Hao anyway mind you we didn't get access to the internet we're not close enough to Sydney Harbour we're in one of those more marginal seats that the southerners complain about so we are relying on the old copper wire NBN here but down in Sydney spy agencies say they weren't exactly sure where the Wi-Fi option good free internet was coming from but said the ability to stream videos and download large files greatly overshadowed all national security concerns. Yeah Tom from down there at our Sydney Bureau he said that it was nice for once that he was able to download stuff in the office down there without having to move on to 4G. Must be a luxury down there we're not used to that we've got a pretty good network up here however as we said any doubt over where the good free internet was coming from was overshadowed by the joy of being able to stream Game of Thrones without the buffering wheel. Yeah and one of our readers from down south Ray Latiana made a good point when he commented on our story saying why can't I look up Tiananmen Square protests when I use the Wi-Fi but it shows up on my 4G. Yeah I can't find anything about it either on my WeChat. What's this phone I'm using here it doesn't come up on this one. It's a Hawawi. Yeah I can't find it anyway enough about that I think we might get spitzed with some nerve agent if we keep talking about that. Moving on quickly and on to some world news Aldi has admitted that hosting a snow gear sale on the Mount Everest summit may have been a little bit reckless. Yes of course this follows the record queues at the top of Mount Everest in Nepal over the last week. A lot of people couldn't really figure out what was going on but there seemed to be a lot of people lined up at the top where their bodies were effectively dying. The German grocery chain has admitted its fault. Well Clancy if you ask me though those savings were worth dying for. Those snow sales do tend to attract a bit of a crowd whether they are in you know North Side Brisbane or indeed whether they are at the top of the Himalayas. Bit of mea culpa for the brand there and in other news overseas this week there's been a really nice story coming out of Africa with a village somehow managing to build a school without the help of any 19 year old Australian girls. Yeah as a first generation Australian Clancy can you tell me why this happens? I mean there's been a lot of youngsters from indeed our town and our district that have been heading over to Africa to build schools, hospitals, houses. Why is that? I don't know I guess it's a combination Errol there's a lot of things that goes through the mind of a young girl at that age particularly from Brisbane's North Side of the river Ascot or indeed Toorak in Melbourne or even North Shore Sydney. It seems to be a recurring trait it may have something to do with the lockout laws across the country to make nightclubbing a bit more difficult for young people and the fact that you would find a more lively nightlife precinct actually in the middle to North Africa but I also think it has a lot to do with basically getting those photos with the young African children which you then plaster all over social media. I think that social media has a lot to answer for with this. Yeah Barry McGovern one of our subscribers from town did bring this up Errol he text in this week saying that we really can't be sure that that school did get built after no photos appeared on Instagram. So food for thought there moving on and in some local news the BMW dealership down in Batuta Heights has caused a bit of a stir this week. Yeah the headline on that story was BMW dealer asked prospective buyers to show him their asshole to make sure it's big enough. Yeah you know see that was a story that I broke Wendell I went down there to inquire about purchasing a one series for my wife you know we've come into a bit of money here her old man's fallen off the perch and we finally got a bit of funds kicking around the savings account so I thought fuck it you're only young once so I thought let's go and buy you a nice BMW and anyway the bloke behind the desk said yeah sure that's fine would you mind coming into this next room so I go in there and he says can I see your asshole and I said no you can't and he was like well I can't sell you a BMW unless I see your asshole. What's the reasoning behind that Errol? Because you have to have a massive asshole to drive and own a BMW like he told me he said if you want to buy an M3 which apparently is the top of the range one got two doors goes like a shower of shit he says that your asshole has to be the size of a CD-ROM. Yeah so you're saying you in fact need to be more asshole than seat driving in that car. Anyway moving on into the sporting world what's happening there? Yeah and the sports news this week a Falau supporter has made a radical U-turn on free speech as black origin players have boycotted the anthem. Yes we read about this social media user who comes in the shape of an Australia flag meme named Bruce Shaler was very vocal about Israel Falau's right to freedom of speech but he says the origin players boycotting the anthem as they did last night have no right to do that. Seems like he suspended his views on an unconditional right to free speech which he believes he's constitutional just for this certain issue. Interesting points mate what do you say about people like Bruce Shaler suggesting indigenous players should go back to where they came from Errol? Doesn't really make sense to me Clancy. Seems to be a student of Australian history I wonder where he thinks the Aboriginal people came from. Well I did hear that Bruce is an alumnus of the University of Life then he also went to the School of Hard Knocks. Yes a lot of people were saying that's a pretty common trait for anyone who has an Australian flag or Commodore or dirt bike even a jet ski is their profile pictures they all seem to have gone to the same educational institutions. Yeah I bet he'd be the same type of bloke who would call me a soft cock for having a proton jumbuck in my driveway instead of having a Holden Marlu Ute. Yes I mean there's nothing wrong with the jumbuck. There is nothing wrong with owning the old Malaysian billy cart. Absolutely not Errol anyway that's it for this week's bulletin thank you for tuning in. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and join us again next week for your dose of hard-hitting regional news. Until then I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Overall you be kind to each other.
SaturdayNightLive	snl_hair_department_tour	Hello everyone, I am Punky Johnson. I am out here at 30 Rock at Snl Studio. and a lot of people give credit to a lot of things. the cast, the writers, but some people forget a lot of the magic happens right here in this room. Follow me now. this, my friends, is the wig department. This, my friends, they don't find out what wig we have to do until like one or two a.m. on a Wednesday. And miraculously, the wigs are done by Showtime. that means they get only 48 hours, people. And that is not a lot of time. these people are geniuses and gods, and they need their respect. Here are the shapes of our heads. and what they do, how they get those, is they sit in one of these chairs right here. we sit very, very still, and they saran wrap us all the way up, and we have to be mummified until they get the correct shape, and then we're free to go. They have made all kind of sorts of wigs for me. I have all kind of characters I give for them. like I have a character named Trish, who had the little two bun things at the time. Oh, that means we are working, and this is truly live. You know what? Come on down to the Punky Johnson drawer. everybody have their different colors. mine is green. I love green, because I love them Monday. All right, yo, let's see what they done did. Oh, no, all right. we got, this is my self wig. so if I need to play myself, it's basically me. we got, I don't know what, oh, Mrs. Pot. oh, I forgot I played Mrs. Pot. okay, that was cute. And it's all, it's one, two, three, four. they use this and they reshape it. So I use this for about four different people. Oh, lord, I feel like one of them ladies at the church. I've been Punky Johnson, signing out from the wig department. here it is now. ["jingle Bells"]
dropout	the_jersey_shore_meets_dragonball_z	Last time on Dragon Ball Z. We two are experienced warriors and I must warn you, we'll be holding nothing back. Yo, you're gonna pay for what you said to snookers. I honestly thought it was Majin Buu. I'm so sorry. It's too late for that now. We're gonna stick a Majin boot up your punk asses. Looks like you're gonna have to go Super Saiyan for this one, Goku. Hey, Paulie. Show him you mean business. We didn't GTL all day for nothing. I don't know about you, bro, but I'm getting pretty heated. Oh, I'm getting heated, bro. Mad heated. Yo, that's Gorilla, bro. Why's the jail guy wearing Uggs? Nobody talks about my friends that way. Destructo Dead! You can't stop beating the beat. Sun Goku power up to level two and defeat this fool once and for all. You gonna let this punk talk to us that way? Looks like he's trying to create a situation. His shirt. It's so ugly. Frosted tips? Hot. Kamehama! Kamehyo! Hey, come on! Yo, you got some great abs, bro. What you bench? About 250, 300. Damn, yo, for real? You going to the gym yet today? Of course, but I'm down to go again if you'll spot me. Yeah. Are you a pickle monster? Go back to Jupiter, or Namek, or wherever the fuck you're from and take the d- Next time on Dragon Ball Z. Whoa, where did Piccolo and Angelina go? Yo, I think they went to smoosh. Oh my god, like how many shots did they have? Over 9000!
cracked	novelizations_way_sexier_than_the_movie_yboc_rambo_face_off_halloween	Sandy strode over to him and hooked her arm around his waist and pinched his pants. Baby, you're the one that I want, Danny said. Danny! Sandy! Danny yelled, throwing his arms around her. I got chills. I'm trembling a lot. I'm nervous and hot. Sandy! I'm all choked up. Oh. Hello there lovers. Welcome to my humble abode. As you already know, I'm love Dr. Jordan Breeding, and sometimes in private, my wife calls me Jordy Bear. It's because I eat a lot of salmon. You've been invited to partake in a special sexy episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the show where I invite select strangers into my home after work so I can read to them, and the only show uncracked with erectile over-function... electrolytes. Tonight, I sensually discuss... Most movie novelizations are garish cash scraps that ruin the source film and challenge the entire concept of cinema as entertainment, but there's an entire novelization subgenre many don't know about, where some pervy crackhead transforms a normal movie into pure literary sex, so get your kids out of here. Strap something on, and we're going to dig into some of those latter novelizations, and fair warning, they are uncomfortable. Shockingly, the novelization for Rambo First Blood Part II Third Draft No. 4 in my heart is written by the actual author of the book the original Rambo movie was based on, and as a proper author, David Morell was never going to be satisfied with simply following the movie's plot writing for 200 pages. Instead, he focuses on fleshing out the characters he created and knows so well, like, for example, did you know that in Rambo II, every character secretly sports a throbbing erection? When our hero first sneaks into the enemy camp and is almost spotted by a spotlight, Morell tells us Rambo scrotum shrank. It's not clear whether this was out of fear or just a natural reflex to give him a smaller profile for increased stealth. On the other side of camp, a Vietnamese soldier defending the base from Rambo's expressive junk encounters a nice girl on a bike. Unfortunately, she is such a penis-arousing woman that the sight of her made him almost ejaculate in his uniform. Fortunately, through the sort of iron willpower only a true warrior can achieve, his romantic reaction is reduced to a mere stain at the crotch of his pants. Later on, in one of the movie's most famous scenes, Rambo and his Ramballs are tortured by Russian soldiers. Now, the camera only shows audiences a steely-eyed patriot during electrocution for his country. But the book takes a trip down south. Note that despite his stoic face, readers should be aware of Rambo's scrotum tensing against his abdomen. There is no shame. And speaking of shocks to the system, when Rambo's Soviet nemesis gets a taste of his own electroshock therapy, the shocks made his penis become erect and ejaculate. At least now we know how Rambo chooses his guns. Hallelujah! After FBI agent Sean Archer dons the face of terrorist Caster Troy, he has to practice his personality, which is unfortunate for Archer because the novel decides he isn't so much a tough crime fighter as an 11-year-old dork struggling to adapt to an adult lifestyle. Clearly he's had a traumatic childhood. See, Archer drank wine on special occasions, but he never drank liquor. And that's a problem because Caster loves mezcal, but to Archer, he tasted like shoe polish, and he couldn't help but shudder as it burned down his throat. And even if Archer could work around hating the taste, there's no way around how one drink of it made him woozy, and two made him drunk. Excuse me, I have to use the little voice. Archer's inability to drink two shots of Mexican liquor without drunk dialing his ex is a real problem, too, because sometimes people smoke while drinking, yet smoking even a single cigarette weakened Archer and made him want to vomit. Remember, this guy who pukes and passes out a symbol of Bud Light and half a Marlboro is about to infiltrate a federal prison and pass as one of the world's most dangerous criminals. No more drugs for that man. And even then, it's only if he overcomes a formidable challenge of having chest hair, specifically how he had caught it in the dipper of his sweatshirt several times and found sleeping on his stomach to be an itchy experience. If you can put this back after all this is over. But while Archer struggles to put on clothes like a big boy and nap without crying, Caster Troy effortlessly slips into his role. Literally. But you were in a coma? That night, Caster tapped into each sexual hunger which seemed insatiable. By fully concentrating on her needs and pleasures, he brought her to the point where she reciprocated for him and found herself a newly devout worshipper at the altar of his sex. Later still, after they slept for a while, spoon fashion, he woke her, began anew, then sent her back to sleep happy and exhausted. You'd expect Mrs. Archer to notice something different about her husband given his entire body is 100% different from the neck down, but all she perceives is a newfound level of wiener proficiency and surprising horse power. You know, I can eat a peach for hours. After all, something had unleashed a gorgeous animal trapped in her husband, a beast whose churning tongue and strong fingers entered her and made her shiver in ecstasy. While we're talking, do you have protection? But hey, at least Archer gets some measure of revenge by heading to Caster's mom's house and just letting her dunk her fingers in some white goo so she can massage his toes with some Jersey maids. So yeah. It is much harder watching it in to face off knowing that Archer's wife will never again be sexually satisfied thanks to her nights spent sleeping spoon fashion with a man sporting natural chest hair and a tongue so powerful it can make butter. What a predicament! But at least her husband's toes are a little better moisturized than they were, so hopefully she's a foot lady. Oh, you're damn well gonna try. The original Halloween stands out amongst thousands of films about sexy babysitters getting slashed to death because of director John Carpenter's commitment to leaving the serial killer an unexplained enigma. Fortunately, the original Halloween paperback by Richard Curtis who wrote under the pseudonym Curtis Richard just to give you a little taste of his creative talents didn't just give Mike Myers an origin story he gave him a supernatural perverted origin story. The novel begins by transporting the reader to ancient Ireland where a disabled boy named Inda is rejected by the woman of his dreams because he isn't a lad worthy of that which is pretty whole. What's the pumpkin for? And Inda responds well by brutally stabbing her in the boob. Ugh, young love. As punishment, he is then executed and cursed by shamans to roam the earth till the end of time reliving thy foul deed and thy foul punishment except how exactly is this bad for Inda? They're forcing him to reincarnate into other lonely pervs and continue murdering beautiful teenagers but that's like cursing the tricks rabbit to forever eat tricks yogurt. That's literally his favorite thing. No tricks for Annie tonight. A couple thousand years later, Michael Myers catches Inda's ancient Celtic seer of killer herpes and spends his days creeping on a sister and pinching her boobs or ass because he's not a man to mix his meats. And this is where we realize mmm, Richards must be pretty fascinated with 15-year-old boobs and how they flattened when Judy Myers brought the brush to her head and then rounded and filled again when the brush reached the bottom of its stroke. I always said you'd make a fabulous girl scout. Never let it be said that Richards half-ass his novels. A little later, Michael, writing an incest boner high, murders his sister by, you guessed it, shoving a knife into her right breast. I knew it. And while the rest of the book plays out like the movie, the tone is forever altered thanks to Curtis devoting a prologue and a whopping four chapters to the adventures of teen girls breasts. I guess everyone's entitled one good scare, huh? Well, we've conversed about Rambo's inability to walk through a door sideways, conferred about the struggles of napping while also a man had made myself positively famished for yogurt. I think that's enough for tonight. Well, as you leave, feel free to rummage through the bathroom medicine cabinet on your way out to see if there are any drugs for your... your what? Coronavirus? Holy hell, get out of my house! Hey there, all you cool cats and kittens. It's Jordan Breeding here from Big Cat Rescue. I just wanted you to hit like and subscribe, or else I'll kill a tiger. Ruin the source film and challenge the entire concept of cinema as entertainment, but there's an entire novelization subgenre many don't know about where some pervy crackhead transforms a normal movie into pure literary sex, so get your kids out of here. Strap something on, and we're going to dig into some of those latter novelizations, and fair warning, they are uncomfortable. Shockingly, the novelization for Rambo First Blood part two third draft number four in my heart is written by the actual author of the book the original Rambo movie was based on, and as a proper author, David Morell was never going to be satisfied with simply following the movie's plot writing pew pew pew pew pew pew for 200 pages. Instead, he focuses on fleshing out the characters he created and knows so well. Like, for example, did you know that in Rambo 2 every character secretly sports a throbbing erection? When our hero first sneaks into the enemy camp and is almost spotted by a spotlight, Morell tells us Rambo scrotum shrank. It's not clear whether this was out of fear or just a natural reflex to give him smaller profile for increased stealth. On the other side of camp, a Vietnamese soldier defending the base from Rambo's expressive junk encounters a nice girl on a bike. Unfortunately, she is such a penis-arousing woman that the sight of her made him almost ejaculate in his uniform. Fortunately, through the sort of iron willpower only a true warrior can achieve, his romantic reaction is reduced to a mere stain at the crotch of his pants. You are not, Kevin. No. Later on, in one of the movie's most famous scenes, Rambo and his Ramballs are tortured by Russian soldiers. Now, the camera only shows audiences a steely-eyed patriot during electrocution for his country. But the book takes a trip down south. Note that despite his stoic face, readers should be aware of Rambo's scrotum tensing against his abdomen. There is no shame. And speaking of shocks to the system, when Rambo's Soviet nemesis gets a taste of his own electroshock therapy, the shocks made his penis become erect and ejaculate. At least now we know how Rambo chooses his guns. After FBI agent Sean Archer dons the face of terrorist Caster Troy, he has to practice his personality, which is unfortunate for Archer because the novel decides he isn't so much a tough crime-fighter as an 11-year-old dork struggling to adapt to an adult lifestyle. See, Archer drank wine on special occasions, but he never drank liquor. And that's a problem because Caster loves mezcal, but to Archer it tasted like shoe polish, and he couldn't help but shudder as it burned down his throat. And even if Archer could work around hating the taste, there's no way around how one drink a bit made him woozy and two made him drunk. Archer's inability to drink two shots of Mexican liquor without drunk dialing his ex is a real problem too, because sometimes people smoke while drinking, yet smoking even a single cigarette weakened Archer and made him want to vomit. Remember, this guy who pukes and passes out after a thimble of Bud Light and half a Marlboro is about to infiltrate a federal prison and passes one of the world's most dangerous criminals. And even then, it's only if he overcomes a formidable challenge of having chest hair, specifically how he had caught it in the dipper of his sweatshirt several times and found sleeping on his stomach to be an itchy experience. But while Archer struggles to put on clothes like a big boy and nap without crying, Caster Troy effortlessly slips into his role. Literally. That night, Caster tapped into each sexual hunger which seemed insatiable. By fully concentrating on her needs and pleasures, he brought her to the point where she reciprocated for him and found herself a newly devout worshipper at the altar of his sex. Later still, after they slept for a while, spoon fashion, he woke her, began anew, then sent her back to sleep happy and exhausted. You'd expect Mrs. Archer to notice something different about her husband, given his entire body's 100% different from the neck down, but all she perceives is a newfound level of wiener proficiency and surprising horsepower. You know, I can eat a peach for hours. After all, something had unleashed a gorgeous animal trapped in her husband, a beast, whose churning tongue and strong fingers entered her and made her shiver an ecstasy. While we're talking, do you have protection? But hey, at least Archer gets some measure of revenge by heading to Caster's mom's house and just letting her dunk her fingers in some white goo so she can massage his toes with some Jersey maids. So, yeah. It is much harder watching it in to face off knowing that Archer's wife will never again be sexually satisfied thanks to her nights spent sleeping spoon fashion with a man sporting natural chest hair and a tongue so powerful it can make butter. Whee! What a predicament! But at least her husband's toes are a little better moisturized than they were, so hopefully she's a foot lady. Well, you're damn well gonna try. The original Halloween stands out amongst thousands of films about sexy babysitters getting slashed to death because of director John Carpenter's commitment to leaving the serial killer an unexplained enigma. Unfortunately, the original Halloween paperback by Richard Curtis, who wrote under the pseudonym Curtis Richard just to give you a little taste of his creative talents, didn't just give Mike Myers an origin story. He gave him a supernatural perverted origin story. The novel begins by transporting the reader to ancient Ireland where a disabled boy named Inda is rejected by the woman of his dreams because he isn't a lad worthy of that when she's pretty whole. What's the pumpkin for? And Inda responds well by brutally stabbing her in the boob. Ugh, young love. As punishment, he is then executed and cursed by shamans to roam the earth till the end of time, reliving thy foul deed and thy foul punishment, except how exactly is this bad for Inda? They're forcing him to reincarnate into other lonely pervs and continue murdering beautiful teenagers, but that's like cursing the tricks rabbit to forever eat tricks yogurt. That's literally his favorite thing. No tricks for Annie tonight. A couple thousand years later, Michael Myers catches Inda's ancient Celtic seer of killer herpes and spends his days creeping on a sister and pinching her boobs or ass because he's not a man to mix his meats. And this is where we realize, mmm, Richards must be pretty fascinated with 15-year-old boobs and how they flattened when Judy Myers brought the brush to her head and then rounded and filled again when the brush reached the bottom of its stroke. I always said you'd make a fabulous girl scout. Never let it be said that Richards half-ass his novels. A little later, Michael, writing an incest boner high, murders his sister by, you guessed it, shoving a knife into her right breast. I knew it! And while the rest of the book plays out like the movie, the tone is forever altered thanks to Curtis devoting a prologue and a whopping four chapters to the adventures of teen girls breasts. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare, huh? Well, we've conversed about Rambo's inability to walk through a door sideways, conferred about the struggles of napping while also a man had made myself positively famished for yogurt. I think that's enough for tonight. Well, as you leave, feel free to rummage through the bathroom medicine cabinet on your way out to see if there are any drugs for your... your what? Coronavirus? Holy hell, get out of my house!
dropout	inside_john_adams_oval_office_in_360	Should we be concerned that the U.S. government is only eight years old and already the citizens are totally divided about how it should operate? Oh, this is just the second presidential election. It'll get easier. It has to, right? Sean Adams. Adams. Mr. President. President J. Adams. Yes, we should really address the rising tensions between America and France. Really, again, the French? John Abigail. I love my wife. Hey, now that you're president, you should give women rights and fight to end slavery. Yeah, no, I really, really, that is such a high priority for me, but right now I just have to really deal with this urgent situation with the French. Okay. So, you know, we're gonna get back to it. I mean, it's not like there are that many slaves in the north as it is, you know what I'm saying? There are literally slaves building the room you are in. Oh, wow. Look at this map. Did you know that John Adams didn't even move into the White House until three years into his presidency? And the Oval Office wasn't even built until 1909? What a weird thing to say. Okay, here is what we are gonna do. You are gonna go to France to negotiate a treaty. Yes, sir. All right, dude. Peace out. Great to see you. Good luck. You are the best man for the job. We all believe in you. I won't let you down, sir. Take his annex. Okay, and because that's definitely not gonna work at all. We are also gonna build up the Navy. How are we going to afford that? Right. Yes, boats cost money. Money comes from... Oh! Why don't we raise property taxes? What's this now? Yeah, what's that? We just fought an entire war because we didn't like paying taxes. You remember the tea? And taxing our slaves? I mean just because I own another human being does not mean it should be taxed like property. I mean this is injustice. No. But this tax is for America. Uh-huh. Oh America, don't you just love it? What are you looking at? Okay. Also we're gonna go fight those French assholes. Oh fuck the French! I'll say to fuck the French. Oh, thank you. That's all it takes. Like this way to fuck the French. Yo, you're the worst, John. We always... You were gone. Hey, Hamilton, we are supposed to be in the same party. Yeah, but I hate you, smarty. Okay, I thought you hated Jefferson, so... Actually, there's a lot of nuance to who hates you. I hate him too, but we gotta do what we gotta do. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you deliberately rhyming? What? It's my new thing. It's legit. The audience and critics agree it's a hit. No, no, no, why are you crying? They wouldn't negotiate. Oh, no, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. I mean what we're gonna do is go to plan B, which is more, you know? I mean, I've built up all of this great anti-French nationalist sentiment. I raised taxes and I built up the Navy, so... Fuck the French! Fuck the French, I was saying that earlier. So are we declaring war on France? Yeah, but it's gonna be like a quasi-war, like a low-key kind of lukewarm war. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine, okay? It's okay. Called the Alien and Sedition Act. Aliens? What's sedition mean? Sedition, you ignorant oaf, means that you are not allowed to make fun of me. I mean the government. Any goddamn war, okay? And what's more? Yeah, what's more? I am gonna let myself deport to anybody that I want to, so you. Frenchy! Yeah, turn that smile upside down. Get out now! Scram! Beat it! Nobody likes the French! Bye! Get out! Get out, bye! Damn, President is so hard. You know, that whole sedition bit sounds like it violates the First Amendment. That I just wrote! Yeah, was it not clear, though? I mean, are there any other parts in the Constitution people don't understand? Like, that bare arms bit is a tad vague. No, it's solid. Besides, people will understand that it's an ideological foundation that needs to be refined and clarified with the times. People will get that, right? Oh yeah, definitely. We can all agree that the Constitution is good and clear. Yes. We can also agree that John Adams is the worst president we've ever had! Actually, despite his many flaws, Adams is considered one of the better presidents in U.S. history. Who are you?
dropout	When_All_Your_Friends_Are_in_Relationships	And the stars in the sky spell S-E-X. Oh yeah, I remember that from The Lion King. No, in my real life. You guys still feel like going out? Oh yeah! Oh, okay, good. Okay, I know where a bar just opened up. Ooh, we should do a game night. Oh my god, I love game night. Oh yeah! Wouldn't that be so fun? I could pick up some sodas. Of course. What's wrong, Grant? I think sometimes people in relationships forget what's fun for single people. You don't like game night? It's not that I don't like them, it's that I never meet anyone at them. I'm sorry you're so, so sad, Grant. I mean, I'm sure we can figure out something, right? You know when I'm sad? I like to go to the movies. Yeah, yeah, we should see something. They're so expensive. What if we did Netflix at my place instead? Ooh, they have all the old Jeopardys! Yes! That would be fun. And you understand, though, that that's the same problem. That's the same problem. Yeah. Oh, we're still at the house, okay. Yes. It's just so fun. I'm sure. Gosh, it just must be that we're all so happy and satisfied and in love. Gosh, it must be. Yeah, I think that that's it. We've, like, retired needing to go out all the time, you know? Get dressed up and, like, peacock for attention. Forcing myself to have a good time. How pathetic I was back when I was single. Like, please give me attention. Lowering my standards just to cover over my pain for a night. Will you call? Like, who cares? Cool, cool, cool, yeah. I guess we could go to a bar. Great. There's one downtown that I think we could all get into. The one next door has puzzles! Oh, that's so fun. Even better idea. We could go to my house because I just got a brand new puzzle and we could get in our PJs. Yes, Alfred, so bad. Then we don't even need to go outside. It's 7.30 on a Friday. Almost bedtime. Oh, yeah, if I don't get 10 hours, I get cranky. How about we at least start where there are other people? What if the music's loud? Or if it's, like, too crowded? Or they won't let me wear my comfy clothes. I should go home and change into my comfy clothes. Oh, yeah. We should just go to Lily's. Oh, I did it again. Look, it's hard enough to meet someone without my friends turning into retirees the minute they get into relationships. Just go out with your single friends. I mean, what would it say about you if all your friends were in relationships and you were the only single one left? Oh, dear. Okay, we must have something in common, right? Right. Like, how about a farmer's market? We could go on a dawn hike. Or you'll love this, a weekend getaway at a remote cabin. Oh, my! Oh, my God! Yes! Look, I get it, okay? You all won. You're finished with life, but I'm still out here alone in the I'd love to have a Netflix Friday or to go do a puzzle, but I can't because I have to go where there are other single people or I will die alone. Now, I know the view from your ivory tower must be peachy, but I have boots on the ground, and I need backup. Okay, we'll do a single person's night. Hell, yeah. No! What am I doing wrong? Nothing. What am I doing wrong? I'm ugly. No. I'm ugly. Oh, God! where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting? That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today, then pay after that. I need it.
cracked	5_biggest_mistakes_in_fast_x_cinemistakes	What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg, the host of the show Sin Mistakes. We take some of Hollywood's hottest films, and we absolutely burn them to the ground, okay? And I hate to do it to it, but today we're at the Toretto House, and that's because we're putting Fast X on the skewer stick. I'm not allowed to drink this, I'm scared. These are the top five mistakes in Fast X. The first reason why Fast X makes absolutely no sense is, yeah, the hit point ratio was way off. Because what you do that you don't know, there's a point system in the Fast and Furious movies where everything that they do counts for different points. Headbutts, punches, kicks, rolling, falling, like lifting up big cars and body slams and stuff like that. Every character has hit points, and so they all even out, and then Vin Diesel always comes out slightly on top, he is the GOAT, and the hit point ratio is way off in this. You know that people on DraftKings bet tons of money on the hit points in these movies. Why would you mess up the hit point ratio? Do you not want people to make money? If someone has taken all the money they saved up from all their birthdays every year, and they bet it on this movie, and you absolutely screwed it up for them, doesn't that piss you off that the hit point ratio is so off that that person would have lost all their money, all their birthday money for all their times that they've been alive? Plot all identified, if you're betting on the hit point ratio on this, you're gonna lose. The second reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense is that Ludacris is not a nerd. Ludacris is badass, okay? What happened to him? You remember Ludacris in Too Fast, Too Furious? He was living the life. He had women around him, beach for property. He was making crazy jet skis, running all kinds of races. He would have never even touched a computer all the time. Now, he's been relegated to being this computer nerd in every single movie. He doesn't even drive in fast decks. Ludacris is never behind the wheel of a car in fast decks, at least from what I can remember. He's just on the computer all the time, like, oh, we've got to connect the hard drive to the fast drive, and we've got to connect the SD card to the keyboard, and whatever, blah, blah, blah, and oh, no, we've been hacked, and blah, blah. Why does he care about this? He is way too cool. He did Chicken and Beer album. He body-slammed someone one time, and that's it, which is probably like two points. The coolest thing he does in this is he fights Tyreese Gibson, and they're saved by Pete Davidson. We need Ludacris back in Fubo Sweatsuits driving cars again. The third reason why this movie is terrible and terrifying is that the giant rolling ball is way too messed up. Hollywood can do a lot of scary things, and look, I like scary movies. I liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and stuff like that, like, I like scary movies, but the giant rolling ball is way too much. I'm a manager at Lids. One time I took all my employees on an employee outing to Boulder Row, and I was sort of telling everyone, like, I'm a bowling prodigy, and everything I bowl is a strike. I rip a ball down the lane. It hits one pin on the side, and so I'm like, well, that's not right. So I go down there to investigate the ball, you know, and then the claw machine comes down, and it grabs my arm, right? It's like, and I'm yelling for help. I'm like, help, help, help, help, and my whole team at Lids is pretty much acting like they can't hear me or see me, and they just start rolling balls down there so fast. It's almost like they're not even trying to get strikes or anything. They're just slamming these balls down the lane, and I'm just getting annihilated. Then all of a sudden the galaxy bowling starts, and it's like... An hour goes by, and no one has called the fire department yet to come help me, and they haven't shut anything down. Other people come around, and they start joining in. They're like throwing bowling balls at me, and that was last year, and all I do is dream about giant scary rolling balls. As Plutal identified, giant rolling balls are traumatizing. The fourth reason why Fast X makes no sense is that John Cena's bald. Oh, John Cena has hair. Oh, he's got a beautiful head of hair. He's peacemaker all the time. Not for long. He's a bald king in the waiting, in the making, and that should have been accepted in this film. I went to WrestleMania, and I saw on the screen when I was in my nosebleeds, I saw that freaking bald spot in the back of his head, and I cried tears of happiness when I saw that shit. He's going to be a bald king pretty damn soon. Just give it a year or so. The Fast & Furious franchise took that away from him. They killed his ass before he could achieve true bald glory. The Fast & Furious franchise, probably the number one thing it's known for, is bald king representation. Ben Diesel, Tyreese Gibson, The Rock, Jason Statham. Big deal for us bald guys, and John Cena should have been there. There should have been a moment where John Cena sees the bald spot in the back of his head, and he decides, F it, I'm going to shave today, I'm not going back. He starts shaving his head, and then The Rock is there, Statham is there, Ben Diesel is there, Tyreese Gibson is there. They're all there, and they're cheering him on. They're like, you don't have to go through this alone, man. And he shaves his head, and John Cena shaves it, and they walk out, and they're all bald. It's like the bald king's Avengers moment, and they killed him before he could get that moment, and that's messed up. Plotto identified John Cena was killed before he could get bald king glory. The fifth biggest mistake in Fast X is that Dom Toretto's son is a savant. Dom Toretto's son is probably one of the most talented people I've ever seen in my life. He's like 12 years old. He can fix cars, do crazy donuts, fix canon cars. He can probably build a transformer if he really wanted to. He's not fazed by terrorism. He's not fazed by being dropped out of a plane, or being kidnapped, or almost killed. He's not fazed by any of that. He never cries once in the whole movie. I cried all the time growing up. This kid never cries at all. This kid is truly a wonder of humanity. And it's all because clearly of what Dom is doing. Dom's fatherhood is making him who he is, this tough kid. Honestly, you know, maybe fathers everywhere will watch this movie and realize how big of a deal they are to their kids. This movie is amazing, I think, because you should be able to watch it and see that this is what a father's love can do. Your father's not supposed to leave you and your brother who did DMT. They go have a new family in Tampa with super tall like athletic and muscular sons that are super successful all the time. He's supposed to train you and your brother to be successful and be a good father and love you. So yeah, we're taking Fast X off the skewer stick. And we're giving it five stars for fatherhood. This has been Cinema Stakes, the show where we roast Hollywood's hottest films. We put them on the skewer stick, but today we're actually not putting it on the skewer stick because Fast X is an amazing movie about fatherhood. I'm going to go try and call my father who lives in Tampa with his two tall sons, even though he's definitely not going to answer me.
dropout	streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_kitchen	Hey, do you guys wanna go get lunch? Ew, gross, no. Okay, fine, I'll just go by myself. I'll go with you! Anyone? I'll go. Okay, I'm just gonna go to the deli. Finally, a date with she whom I most desire. I shall ensnare her with a feast so grand it will stuff me or herself. Shall right gag me with a spoon, this stuff is primo expensivo. I like that garbage you're eating. Excuse me, egg salad is delicious. Yeah, it's delicious and it smells like a vegetarian. Cut a hot one in your mouth. Anywho, drop the fart burger, let me cook you something that will make your palate cum. Figs? Cabbage, don't touch them. One shrimp? Hello! That's disgusting. Olive juice? This juice? Could you husk that coconut for me? The hair? Just the hair! Horse radish beet puree? Is this from your farm? I don't have a beet farm, what am I, Dwight Schrute? Crunch berry! Gave me with a spoon, they forgot my lamb shank. Are you seriously gonna serve me raw lamb shank? No, it was gonna be a garnish like on Top Chef. Don't do me wrong. You watch Top Chef? Uh, big time? I love Top Chef. Have you been watching the Masters? It's so good. I mean, last season, those chefs were ridiculous. Ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, did you say that episode where Hosea- AHHH! Christos is regium! What just happened? Did you say Hosea? No, I said Hosea. Oh! Haha! I thought you said Hosea. This one time, a long time ago, I followed this guy and his friend into Jerusalem. And when they went in, everyone was shouting Hosanna, Hosanna. And I had something I had to do. And it kinda bums me out when I hear that word. Are you talking about Jesus? Anywho, if you take the fig and you dip it in the olive juice, it creates this delicious mouthfeel when the salty brine in the olives hits the sweet meat of the fig. You killed Jesus, didn't you? That man killed himself. I merely helped him beat his destiny. You're a monster. You forgot your fort, burger! Ow!
SaturdayNightLive	please_don_t_destroy_self_defense_snl	Dude, we're our coffees. Wasn't an intern supposed to grab them. let me check. Looks like they said we don't get coffees for little bitch boys again. I mean, come on man, are we little bitch boys guys? we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves. we can't keep getting bullied by interns. I think I know someone who can help us. I'm Kurt Lightning and I know why. you all signed up for my class. you're searching for confidence, the confidence of not only knowing you can defend yourself, but that you're somebody worth defending. Say it with me. I am worth it. Say it like you mean it. Feel it. You get up here. What's your name Son John. Oh John, I can hear it in your voice. you feel small don't you son? Yes, you gotta own it. Son own your truth. I feel small, but you're not small. Put your hands up. I am going to strike and when I strike, you deflect and I want you to hit me back. And when you do imagine, I'm the voice in your head telling you you aren't worth it because what are you? I am worth it. Now. are you ready? too slow fat, So who's next? you're next. Are you so afraid? You punch my friend and I'm worried he's dead. We're afraid that your father was right, I don't want to talk about him, but that's not an option because your father was wrong. Hurt, please. You are a man and I need you to tell him that. but how close your eyes. Oh, didn't stand a chance, Buggo. he really closed his eyes. Scared your whole life. You lost your mother at a young age. That didn't happen as your father wasn't there to protect taking stuff up, man. But I'm here to show you that a man can defend the ones he loves. I want you to punch this woman right here and I will deflect your strike. Okay, but why are we doing this? I want to show you a real man defends the woman he loves right, but you're positive that you will block Absolutely. Because if I hit this woman she will die. Punch her, I'm gonna punch you. Okay, you got it. nice try, bitch. Silly, you did that damn thing. I live in fear. why do you think I'm in this class? Whoa, whoa, you want to play a game? Okay, oh my God. Good work guys. you finally stood up for yourself. I think somebody owes you some coffees. What? The interns? Hey guys, after you shove that old lady into the trophy case, I finally respect you. Thanks guys!
SaturdayNightLive	weekend_update_adam_sandler_on_mother_s_day_snl	And now, here are the Mother's Day message, weekend update's own, and my hero, Adam Sandler! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. when we think of Mother's Day, we always think of flowers and candy and taking Mom to dinner, you know, nice things. But tonight, I thought we should pay a little respect to some moms who don't have it so easy. single Moms. This year, there are over Eight million single mothers out there in this country alone. Eight million women who have to act as both mother and father. one special day a year just isn't enough for these brave, brave ladies. call me a feminist, but if you're looking for heroes, I'd say these women have Jordan and Gretzky beat by a long shot. But, you know, what's weird is, no one takes the time to take care of them, make them feel special. not just as mothers, but as women. beautiful, beautiful women. So I'd just like to say to all you single moms out there, when you're feeling discouraged, like it's all just too much for one girl to take, Little Adam's here to make everything all right. That's right, mama. I'm gonna make, I'm gonna make every fantasy come true. that man who walked out on you had to be crazy, baby. what with your body looking so right. But you don't have to be lonely tonight. you know, Mama, I hear you like to give your kids ice cream. Well, I like to eat ice cream, too. but I hate eating it out of a bowl. Maybe you want to tell little Adam where to eat that ice cream offer. Oh, geez. what? I don't mind. this is getting a little inappropriate here. Wait, Norm, I'm getting to the good part. Turn out, don't lie, single mama. Mother's Day is here. put away those diapers, Pretty darling. take off that girdle and brassiere. the kids are fast asleep. Pretty, my, my. Time for the adults to get naughty. you look so hot in that terrycloth robe. let it fall to the ground all day. Cause I'm your single mother's day present, baby. And I can go all night long. not once, not twice, but three times, baby. And I'll sing you my turkey song. I'll do it for you. I'll take a big bite out of me. I'll make sure to wear a profile active. A Sammy Davis Jr. only had one.
dropout	fasting_contest_with_ben_schwartz	Ohhhhhhhhhh! You stupid man. Excuse me? With Mila Jovovich, you stupid man. It's a DVD that you could put into your divin-de-player. Heh, lucky you. What do you mean lucky me? I mean lucky you. Drew Barrymore, Eric Bana, 2002. You're a fucking sicko. You're a psycho. You're a dumbo! You're a psycho. Enough! Sorry! With Jennifer Lopez, dancing into your heart. Haha! Jesus Christ. Yeah. Superstar. I'm gonna get something to eat. You want anything? I'm good. Let me get this straight, just so everybody knows. You think you can fast longer than I can? Yeah, I think I can fast longer than you can. Okay! Then maybe we have a contest. A fasting contest. I'm gonna make you eat your words. You would love that. Yeah. Because then I would lose the contest. Oh. Very nice. Ground rules, go! It's an old fashioned fasting contest. You can't have this one to drink or eat anything loses. Absolutely. The only thing you can eat is raisins. Nah, you can't even have raisins or drink anything. No, you can't drink anything except for water. No, not even water. You can't have water, you can't have raisins. You can't have any food or drink of any kind. I got it. No drink, no food. That's right. The only thing you can eat is raisins. You cannot have raisins. I can't eat a goddamn raisin! Hey, who do you think would win in a fight? Me or a ham sandwich? How big is the ham sandwich? Go check out this new app I just got. Well, let's see it. Yeah. Yeah, I have a weapon. I have a sword. And the ham sandwich doesn't have anything because it's a sandwich. Is it facing away from you? How are you considering this still? I feel like I have to throw up. For real? Yeah, I really think it'll help. Do it. I feel a lot better. Yeah, I feel good. Is there mayo on it? That's going to change things. Is there mayo on it? How about that? Tell me if it has mayo on it. No. That's worse? Yeah, it's going to be lighter. Mayo is worse? Do you know what's so crazy? I love oranges, but I hate orange juice. I'm the same way. I mean, I love tomatoes, but I hate the way Japanese people drive. What? You know, at the end of Sixth Sense, you find out that Bruce Willis was bread the whole time. What is bread? Oh, my God. Finally, raisin break. No, no raisin break. I can't have a goddamn raisin break! Give me a beef bowl and eat back joy I want to get dipped in some sauce that's soy And eat all day Right? Why I eat all day? Hey, give me some leeks, coin of her soul I want to eat lox in my sushi roll And eat all day Eat all day Give me a burger A burger I know, it was stupid, it was fish stuff, I'm sorry Let me try on your glasses real quick Sure I always wonder How do I look? Not good Ugly, really I'm hungry You know, in Utah, you can't ring someone's doorbell on Sunday It's illegal You know, in Oregon, you can't kill someone with a car Yeah They call it vehicular men's water Of course Yeah Of course, yeah Are you kidding, you idiot? You just lost! You just lost, which means Ben gets to enjoy all the raisins he wants All the raisins he wants You idiot I didn't lose You just lost It's a ping pong ball, you moron He was bred the whole time Hey guys, if you liked that video, click on me to subscribe to College Humor It'll like, it'll, I don't know, it'll help us out I guess Social media wise, okay That's it
cracked	5_biggest_dick_moves_by_fictional_heroes	Who are hypocrites? This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. I feel I owe you an apology. We have a rule. We never free a mind once it's reached a certain age. Do you know what it really reminds me of? Tasty wheat. Did you ever eat tasty wheat? This is just a little more fun, how about combat training? I may not have learned everything yet, but I remember something my father said to me. A team isn't a bunch of kids out to win. A team is something you belong to, something you feel. This boy is playing for the wrong team. What? According to league rules, Adam Banks should be playing for District 5. My son is a hawk, not a duck. Here's this you're doing, Gordon. I'll expect to see him at our next game. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words. They are perspectives. You tortured me. I wish there'd been an easier way, but there wasn't. Do we have enough bread making vikings or small home repair vikings? I don't want to fight dragons. Whole toothless. We need no sense of any kind, no insect, no hair tonic, no cologne. I'll be in there. All our food and plastic bags. Our presence needs to be 100% antiseptic. If we so much as bend a blade of grass. Okay, there you go. They came for their infants. Team is something you belong to. Something you feel. My son is a hawk, not a duck. Here's this you're doing, Gordon. I'll expect to see him at our next game.
cracked	music_notes_why_alanis_morissette_s_lyrics_are_crazier_than_you_think	Hey, no offense kid, it just sounds like you were a mess long before he left when he went away. But it's not fair. Right, but you also tried to blow him in public and yeah he promised he'd hold you until he died and yeah he's still alive. It's not fair. Right, right, right, it just seems like you don't understand that when someone says they'll hold you until they die, they don't mean that literally. How do you mean? Well like when you say you hope he feels it when you scratch your nails down someone else's back, you don't mean that literally, right? Of course I do. Well then, sounds like you've got some growing up to do. You have some growing up to do. I want you to know that I'm happy for you, I wish nothing but the best for you both, that's nice. But when you sing it like a crazy person, you sound like you're probably maybe crazy. And sarcastic, spiteful, immature, unattractive, probably won't make him regret anything. Probably make him happy that he left. An older version of me, Jesus Christ. An older version of me, as in a grown up who can move on with their life, Lannis. Get real girl. Is she perverted like me? Probably not. Doesn't sound like he's into anything that you're into. I mean if he's not the kind of guy that wants his girlfriend to give him a slurper in a public flick house with family around, maybe not. It was a family event, yes. So maybe you should just find someone who is into that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, move on, he wasn't right for you, like you ask does she speak eloquently like he made fun of the way you talked, did he make you feel dumb, Al? It's ironic in a way. Not in any way. You also ask would she have your baby, so you guys disagreed about kids, like you didn't want a baby, right? God, no, absolutely not, but he super wants one. There you go, see? Okay, I'm gonna find him for you. Wait, why? I don't know. Wait, agreed. That seems super unmotivated, right? Shh. No talking. Singing? I want you to know that I'm happy for you. No, please shut the hell up, these are all the guys you ought to know is allegedly about just follow the post that's- What encyclopedia would possibly have that information? You guys realize that the song's not even recorded yet, right? Mike Pluso, hockey player for the New Jersey Devils. No. Wait, Leslie Howe, producer of her first two albums. No. Matt LeBlanc, he was in her walk away music video four years ago, in 1991. Friends is only in its first season, so maybe we got him. You said that you got everyone. I did, I did. He's on the other side of that door, I mean, we got him. Maybe he wants to come on in so we can talk to him? Maybe. Matt? God. All right, who else we got? Well, according to this encyclopedia, Dave Coulier seems to be a front runner. Oh, that's an easy get. You know, I really thought we'd at least be able to get Dave Coulier. Is the song even about him? Or any of these people? No. It's about... I'm fine. Fine. You can't. Yes. You can't. Yes. You can't. Yes. You can't. Yes. It's me darling. I still love you, Loni. Despite all those times you scratched your nails down someone else's back. Did you feel it? Now I'm done. Already? Actually I have an appointment. Wait a minute. Have you given me a ride? I left my car back in K-Z. Dude, alright. Dude, are the bosses around here? No. Those bosses.
TheOnion	Tell_All_Book_Reveals_Wrestling_Fans_Are_Fake	Fans of professional wrestling have long been seen as some of the most devoted and passionate in the sports world. But a new book reveals a shocking secret. The so-called fans are in fact choreographed paid performers. And we are joined now from Raleigh, North Carolina by the author of Faked, my life as a professional wrestling fan, Craig Thompson. Mr. Thompson, this is a very controversial book. What made you decide to pull back the curtain now? I want people to know that the fans in the audience are, you know, amazing at their craft of acting. Well, tell me something. Is there a script? We have all the basic beats planned ahead of time. We know in advance who we're going to be booing, what wrestlers the women are going to flash. Sounds exhausting. It's very hard to be able to cheer for something as ridiculous and as absurd as costumed, you know, bodybuilders flailing around and, you know, shouting ridiculous and poorly written insults. You have to have a real endurance and a real commitment. I see. Are you actually a fan of the sport or would you not be doing this if you weren't being paid? No, I'm not a fan of the sport. I don't think anybody over the age of 15 is a fan of the sport. You know, without us cheering and going crazy, it would be very hard for anyone to see the event as an actual sporting event. Right. Let me ask you, is this a full-time job for you? Oh yeah, absolutely it is. What we have to do is maintain a constant focus on lack of physical fitness. I have to have a bedraggled appearance. We have what's called the convenience store diet amongst the profan community. A lot of us mostly subsist on, you know, chips and soda. Your book also reveals in one of its chapters the so-called tricks of the trade. Do you want to tell us about any of those? Yeah, absolutely. One of them was called the soda jump and drench where I would jump up and flip my 32 ounce jumbo soda in the air with my knee. I've seen that. Sending the Mountain Dew contents all over the entire aisle in the stands. It's a very complicated move. A number of your fellow performers are not very happy about your exposing this secret. I've gotten a couple of calls from other fans telling me that I'm going to be, you know, they're going to burn my face more severely than Kane's face was burned by his brother the Undertaker, which is pretty terrifying. I would have to wear a mask for the rest of my life if that happened. So then what is your next step? Well, I'm thinking about taking on something new, perhaps becoming a professional golf fan.
SaturdayNightLive	9_11_hearings_saturday_night_live	We now resume our live coverage of the hearings by the committee investigating the September 11th Terrorist Attacks already in progress. Mr. Clark, You have told this committee that despite repeated requests, you were not granted a private meeting with the President to discuss the terrorist threat until the 15th of August 2001. Is that correct? that's correct. would you describe for this committee, what went on at that meeting? I told the President that in my opinion, Al-qaeda represented an absolutely urgent threat to our national security, but that no one in the administration would listen to me. And what was his response? He said that he didn't see how addressing the Al-qaeda threat would benefit the wealthy. Then he offered me a beer. Did you accept? No, I told the President that it was a little early in the day for me to be drinking and that frankly, he ought not to be drinking either. What happened next? The President opened a bottle of beer and started to drink it and for the next hour or so. I just watch him drink beer after beer. What did you and the President talk about? Mostly the President wanted to talk about beer, about how much he enjoyed drinking it, and how he liked to drink as much beer as he could whenever he could. Did you ever return to the subject of terrorism? Yes, after the President had finished drinking all of the beer on hand, which was a lot, he told me that because of the enormous quantity of beer he drunk, he couldn't remember what we were meeting about. So once again, I brought up the urgency of dealing with Al-qaeda And do you recall his response? Vividly, he said Al-qaeda Al-shmida and then passed out on this desk. Did you attempt to revive the President in order to continue urging him to take the threat from Al-qaeda seriously, I was about to, but the door opened and Karl Rove came in. And what was his reaction? He sort of laughed and said not to worry. This sort of thing happened all the time. And since the President was unconscious, did you raise with Mr. Rove your concerns about the terrorist threat? Yes, I did. And did he listen? No, He simply said terrorist threat Shmera Schmidt then warned me that if I told anyone what I'd seen in the room, I would end up like the others. So, Mr. Rove was in the habit of having members of the White House staff murdered. Yes, it was a regular practice. That's something that certainly bears further investigation, but unfortunately, I see my time is up. Miss Garlic now, Mr. Clark. After this incident, you were never again allowed a private meeting with the President. Is that correct, correct, But about ten days later, on the 25th of August 2001, you did meet privately with Vice President Cheney. Yes, what happened at that meeting? I told the Vice President that no one in the administration was taking me seriously, but I was convinced that some kind of Al-qaeda attack was imminent. and your warnings turned out to be eerily prophetic didn't they? Yes, yes, they did. And did the Vice President say anything in response? He told me that I worried too much that I had a very handsome face and that when I looked I looked more handsome When I smiled and then he touched me in what I considered an inappropriate manner. I, Mr. Clark, I can see this is difficult for you, but I must ask you, why was this incident with the Vice President not mentioned in your book? I felt under the circumstances. it was more appropriate to withhold that information for my next book. Mr. Clark, I thank you for your testimony, Mr. Lehman, Mr. Clark. Apart from the matter of terrorism, were there any other issues where you felt the White House failed to listen to your warnings? Yes, although none as important as the Al-qaeda threat, could you elaborate? Well, last October during the seventh game of the playoffs between the Yankees and the Red Sox. I became convinced that Pedro Martinez needed to be pulled after the sixth inning. I felt strongly that he was losing his stuff and without pressure from the White House, the Red Sox manager would leave him in and the consequences would be disastrous. But I couldn't get through to the President, and I guess you'd say that once again, your warnings turned out to be prophetic, didn't they? Yes, yes, they did anything else. Well, when I learned that Janet Jackson was going to do the Super Bowl halftime show, I tried desperately to get the White House to intervene. I just had a bad feeling about that one. and I was right. uh-huh Also, I've tried for years to get somebody to clean the White House gunners. they're absolutely filled with leaves and it's an accident waiting to happen. But don't get me started on the White House maintenance Department. All right, very good. Well, I have no further questions and unless Mr. Clark you have anything to add. No, those are the main points. All right in that case. I suggest this committee adjourned. This concludes our coverage of today's hearings by the committee investigating the September 11th Terrorist Attacks. we now return to regular programming.
dropout	the_10_000_vine_video	We've all seen videos on the internet. I'm going to make you the most viral video of all time, and I'm going to do it in six seconds. I have $9,000, and all I need is $1,000 from you. Make us proud, son. Am I late? I mean, this is good, but it's seven pages. Doesn't that seem a little long for a six-second video? You don't make the script to fit the vine. Make the vine to fit the script. You got me there. All right. Let's do it. I have a crew of over 70 professionals working on this vine around the clock to make sure it comes out perfectly. I can't leave a single thing to chance. I put up $9,000 of my own money. I haven't had time to sleep. I haven't eaten. This is the most important thing in my life right now. I haven't spoken to my wife in three days, and I haven't seen my son in four years since he went missing on a family trip to Yellowstone Park. If you have any information, please contact your local law enforcement. I mean, screen time is screen time, but I just found out they aren't going to pay me. I heard they have $10,000. Is that true? I'm going to stop you right there. That's Cheers. That's Jules Foolish Games. Jules Foolish Games. The song is inspired by Jules Foolish Games. Unbelievable! This is a vine? This is crazy expensive. Oh, yeah. Okay. I need a DP, I need the grip, and I cannot find the best boy anywhere. I'll find him, sir. Thank you. All right. We are shooting in 15 minutes, so I'm going to need that bonsai right now. No, he's ready. He's ready. Thank you. All right. I got the script cut down to two pages, and I don't need the bonsai tree, but we need more dogs. I can't trade them in time. I couldn't find the best boy, but this guy says he's the best man. Yeah, I'm here for Ted and Julie's wedding in Ballroom C. Okay, I need you to leave right now. Thank you so much. Ask him, people. What's going on here? Where's the return on investment? We haven't even shot the video. I knew you had investors. You have to pay me. We got you a trailer. Now go wait in it. Places, everyone. Is the phone ready for filming? Oh, it's ready. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Anyone got peanut allergies? You know what? If they can't afford to pay me, they don't deserve the money. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Anyone got peanut allergies? You know what? If they can't afford to pay me, they don't deserve the money. Where is the briefcase? It has all the investor money!
dropout	good_night_internet	In my small green room there is a Wi-Fi router and an adapter plugged into the wall for power and a gently glowing MacBook Pro and a web browser with many tabs left to close. Now married to a preacher. I'll just google myself one more time.
TheOnion	In_The_Know_Are_Tests_Biased_Against_Students_Who_Don_t_Give_A_Shit	I'm Michael Coe filling in for Clifford Banes who is fighting his nemesis atop of an abandoned clock tower. A new study by the Department of Education finds that students who think school is a boring waste of time score significantly lower on their standardized tests than their peers. Are these exams biased against students who don't give a shit? Absolutely. These kids are placed at an unfair disadvantage. You know, students who don't care enough to read through to the end of a word problem have an 89% lower chance of answering it correctly. There's something wrong with that question. Yep, you're right. And studies also show that students who randomly fill in answer bubbles to make a UFC logo on their answer sheet score consistently worse than their peers. How are the kids who don't care going to get ahead? That's right. Thank you. You know, the deck is stacked against the child whose pencil breaks and then he doesn't feel like getting up to go sharpen it and so he just chews his fingernails for the rest of the test. And we need to test these kids on what they know, not what we want them to know. But clearly this isn't just about the test. It's about the system as a whole. Should schools be doing more to reach out to students that don't care about schools? Absolutely. There are no role models for these students in their textbooks. They just read about motivated people like George Washington and Frederick Douglass. What about all the historical figures who didn't give a fuck about anything? Yes, that's exactly right. You never hear about them. Calvin Coolidge's brother Thomas, he hung around the White House for years before he finally died of alcohol poisoning. Well, I mean, look, there's a larger issue at play here, which is that there is a big social stigma in this country against lazy, self-centered assholes. And, you know, these kids are suffering because of this. You know, the purpose of school is to prepare our kids for the real world. And in the real world, people don't give a shit. People don't give a shit. Several companies have started professional programs specifically for students who don't care. Of course, we know Kinkos has been doing this for years. They hire thousands of students. I think it's so great that they're reaching out to these kids. I mean, I didn't care about anything when I was in school. Really? You know, fortunately, I was very blessed to have a teacher that reached out to me and taught me the importance of pretending to give a shit about things. Without him, I certainly would never be the successful pundit that I am today. Now, critics say the environment standardized tests are administered in ca- Who threw that? Nancy, who threw that? I ain't snitchin'!
SaturdayNightLive	weekend_update_meryl_streep_on_the_golden_globes_snl	The Golden Globes are tomorrow night, And once again, Meryl Streep has been nominated for not one, but two awards for her work in Both It's Complicated and Julie and Julia. we're very lucky to have her. Please welcome Meryl Streep. thank you so much for having me. Oh, oh. well, Meryl, congratulations. You know, you're on fire right now. am I? I don't know. you're very sweet. I mean, I guess sometimes I make a movie, but I don't even know if I'm very good in them. I really don't. Meryl, I mean, you have to know that you're a brilliant actress. Oh, you're too nice. Cheers. Ok. now, your career is hotter than ever. you've had two box office smashes in one year. were they? I'm afraid to even look at them. I don't even know what all the fuss is about. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So how do you keep choosing such great scripts? At this point, I just have three criteria, Seth. can my character wear a cashmere sweater wrap? will I get to layer a few chunky necklaces? And can I sport a pair of designer bifocals? You know, I just like to have fun. I'm not worthy of anything. I'm really not. Well, you do seem to enjoy having a good time. Oh, that reminds me. I brought something for us. is that a hummus? Oh, it is. And believe it or not, I made it myself. but I don't know if it's any good. it's probably terrible. I've, oh, just try it and be honest. Oh, my God. that's seriously the best hummus I've ever tasted. Oh, Seth, stop. it's nothing. it's really, oh, no, you're joking. Best Hummus. Oh, my God. Oh, no. you got an Oscar for best hummus? that's amazing. What is the, oh, best update. Oh, my God. this is too much. I don't believe it. Meryl Streep, Everyone. Oscar Winner for Best Hummus of My World. Update.: Congratulations.
TheOnion	The_Onion_Reviews_Batman_V_Superman_Dawn_Of_Justice	If I wanted it, you'd be dead already. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Batman vs. Superman, Dawn of Justice, a satisfying superhero blockbuster, but one that nonetheless proved difficult for me to watch as the sight of Batman and Superman fighting one another dredged up painful memories of witnessing the collapse of my parents' marriage when I was nine. In fact, I left this film feeling as if I'd just relived the entire hellish experience of seeing the two people I loved most in the world turned savagely against each other. With its dazzling action sequences, Dawn of Justice will certainly deliver for fans excited to watch the titular comic book heroes face off in battle. Yet, I was most personally affected by how closely these iconic characters resembled my parents before their marriage fell apart. Never expect such positive forces in your life to become bitter foes. That's what makes the first screaming argument about your father's stalled career while you all sit in the park station wagon in your driveway so devastating. It's a testament to Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill's performances that during confrontational scenes like this, every nerve in my body was urging me to yell at Batman and Superman, Mommy, Daddy, stop it, stop it, which I did several times during the screening. Every blast from Superman's heat vision seemed like another gin-fueled insult from my father. Each blow from Batman's armored bat suit, like the burning humiliation of hearing mom say, I can't do this anymore, Gary, and slamming the porch door during my fourth grade birthday party. Indeed, I couldn't help but identify with the citizens of Metropolis, helplessly caught between their one-time protectors. All they want is to make Batman and Superman stop fighting and realize how much they used to admire each other, but ultimately, the people of Metropolis realize they're too weak, too small to do anything but watch the most important relationship in their lives shatter before their eyes. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman, like my dad's one-time physical therapist, Barbara, believes she can somehow use the growing rift between the two superheroes to replace Batman as Superman's crime-fighting companion. But the fact is that no matter how hard Wonder Woman tries, she will never fill the agonizingly deep void left by Batman's absence. Ultimately, Batman and Superman set aside their hostilities and teamed back up to defeat their common nemesis, Doomsday, which I found to be such a moving, viewing experience that shortly after leaving the theater, I called my father for the first time in years and tearfully asked him, Dad, would you ever consider getting back together with Mom? He hung up on me almost immediately. However, the level of raw emotion that Batman vs. Superman stirred inside me surely serves as proof that even a Hollywood blockbuster made with sufficient artistry can speak to the most fundamental aspects of the human experience. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.
SaturdayNightLive	you_think_i_m_the_beast_saturday_night_live	Our enchanted story continues on a starry night as love begins to blossom between beauty and the beast. Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance? the honor would be mine. Jealous or destined true as it can be, Then somebody burns. Whenever I'm in your presence, I can feel the dark clouds parting and the sun shining on my face. They say true love can break the curse and I can't imagine a love more true than this. Oh my darling. I can hardly wait until your transformation. What do you mean? My transformation? Well, you know the curse will be broken and you can stop being a beast. You think I'm the beast? Yeah, we were just singing about it. Beauty. and it's the other way around. Whoa, this is awkward. Well, beast is a strong word, You know, you're the one who started throwing beasts around. I'd say you're like a like a six six. In my village, I am considered a great beauty. Oh, I know. I'm sure it's just that. Well, you're very slender and I don't know. I like, I like a big ass. What? I like a big ass tale as old as time. No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. wait a minute. wait a minute. So what were you hoping was gonna happen that we'd share true love's kiss and then you'd transform, You know, so you'd have a big old ass? is sick, I can't believe you thought you were the beauty. Oh, what's so crazy about that? Lumi Air. Get in here. Bonsoir! Who was the beauty and who was the beast? Both look like these to me. Well, I'm a candelabra. I'm only attracted to us a cantalabras. or that once in college I dated a menorah. Furies in the eye of the beholder. Indeed, it is, for instance. I'm a clock. So you're only attracted to other clocks. No, I I'd like women like you. Thank you. Yeah, but it was like a big ass. Oh like a like a 345 ass. What? Oh, I'm sorry. that's clock slang. Like a 345 ass. You know, like a teapot over there. Okay, well then why don't you all just go hook up with her. We do all the time. I: Why do you think she lives here with us? Have you ever seen any of us drink tea? Okay, okay. freaks. I'm leaving, you know what? Have fun in your ass castle? How does she know we call it an ass castle? Anyone care for a tea party? Oh.
cracked	4_famous_tv_ads_that_invented_horrifying_fictional_universes_the_spit_take	Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you know how an SNL sketch with a thin premise will occasionally get turned into a movie and everyone freaks out, even though MacGruber was fucking awesome? Well, when an ad succeeds, the advertising industry has the similar but more difficult job of trying to figure out how to build an entire fictional universe around the most unsustainable of premises. Well, that might sound exactly the same as the SNL thing. They have no clue whether the first ad succeeded because it made people laugh or scared them or made them horny. I mean, they should know, it's pretty obvious, but a shocking amount of the time, they get us wrong and create this terrifying David Cronin-Bergian nightmare universe. That's the second reason their job is more difficult. They're not very talented. They first appeared in the 90s with an off-the-cuff joke blaming BB King for eating one of their fellow M&Ms. That one joke spawned an entire fictional universe of needy, sentient, smart-mouthed M&Ms who crave our attention and who we in return want to eat, like a dark meditation on the plate of farm animals who I'd like to think we wouldn't eat if they could talk and fell in love with us. And while the M&M universe never addresses the possibility of cannibalism, lays... But you're a potato. Or evokes the holocaust, Pop-Tarts. Woah! Is this thing working? We do learn that M&Ms melt from the inside when they get horny, that they are prone to kidnapping each other and us, that they glory in the death of rival types of candy, playing with the body parts and splashing in the guts of a melted chocolate bar. And what is the other one? Oh yeah! We're f*ing them. There's always been something slightly off-putting about Tony the Tiger. With other serial mascots, there's a clean binary. You're either clothed or naked. You're either imaginary and magical or a sobering depiction of the neighborhood junkie and the cool guy who sells him drugs. But Tony's never seemed quite sure where he fits in. I always thought he just magically showed up at some hockey match or casual sports encounter like a sugar-induced Tyler Durden. Then he started guest coaching your little league games and people went along with it because, hey, he's getting a little older and didn't seem to have much to do. But at a certain point, the ads made the baffling decision to imply that Tony had a life before and after each commercial appearance as a lonely single male adult. Notice how the dads politely ignore him. Good job, man! Love you! Okay. He's like that kid in elementary school who was always screaming, hey guys, wait for me! If that kid was a 50-something single tiger who seems to be lifting a lot of weights in his downtime. Hey sport, run ahead and fetch dad's rifle, will ya? Alright, now for the best part. Now where are we? Got the balls? He's up. And it's good. And now he's in your fing house. Calon's frosted flakes. So every single time Tony randomly showed up in a kid's house, that's how he got in there walking through the front door with a big weird smile on his face. Off the backboard. Oh hey, I must have walked up and started playing the saddest game of Hangman ever in your driveway without seeing you there playing basketball. That's not even how you play Hangman. What's that phrase? Tiger, tiger? Yeah, sure it is. Go make some friends your own age, Tony. These ribs are insane. Oh. You gotta be kidding me. That's right, motherfers! We can now answer the phone while eating ribs. Your parents are going to be like, what? Tiffany texted. Oh my god. Holy shit, you can read text messages with your finger? That's creepy as f. I guess it's hard to explain what's different about your phone without coming off as a little petty or an alien, which means it's time to let the advertisers go off prompter. Hello. Yo Danny boy. Ben, is that you? Yep. Not only does this ad completely fail to show off the phone's features, but if you give a teenage boy hairy palms and then show literal crabs coming out of the pube-like hairs around his hand vagina, people are going to think about what he's going to do to his friend's mouth when he gets home later. Yo, you awake bro? Also, weird choice to put the part words come out of down by the mouth and the part you speak into up by the ear, since that's not how phones work. But I'm sure they add their reasons. Oh, right. So the person representing the consumer in their ad could f** the horrifying sci-fi metaphor they invented for the product they're supposed to be trying to sell. It must be like Marketing 101. Now a question for graduate-level marketing courses. If you're the food industry, how do you get more money from people who are already consuming your addictive product at a rate that's become a national health epidemic? You can't show them eating more of your food. You probably can't even show how much they're eating already without grossing everyone out. And no, you can't just hold them up at gunpoint and take all of their money for the last time. What's spooky is that the entire food industry seems to have leapt to their feet and shouted the same weird-ass answer in unison. Drop dead Fred the food addiction, of course. If we create an irresponsible, grotesque, and occasionally violent imaginary adult or animal that externalizes their addiction, we make addictive behavior seem normal and absolve ourselves and our consumers of all guilt. I mean, Big Tobacco just bribed a bunch of doctors, but we could try this I guess. If you replace the junk food they use to control their cravings with literally any street drug, those ads immediately become the most coherent metaphor to ever appear in an anti-drug PSA. Oh! Okay. These ballpark Frank ads seem to be trying to scare kids straight about the horrifying thing their product will make them do. I tell you, Frankfort is so good your girlfriend won't feel safe around you no more. Heck, you won't feel safe around yourself, mister. Just a few hours without one, boy, you won't be able to control the testosterone demon bursting out of your chest. That's it? No final shot with the old guy shaking his fist as his air is restored? Just eerie stillness of un-breathing death? And a lifetime of guilt for the kid. Oh, wait! Did that old guy knock a drink out of someone's hand at the beginning? Ah, never mind. I didn't realize he deserved to be murdered. Roll sound! Hey guys! Thanks for watching the video you presumably watched unless you just skipped the end to watch the end plates like I do, because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watched the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. Alright, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates. Oh, hold on, let me try some milk. I'm sorry, baby, that's not good. Got milk. Well, that might sound exactly the same as the SNL thing. They have no clue whether the first ad succeeded because it made people laugh or scared them or made them horny. I mean, they should know, it's pretty obvious, but a shocking amount of the time, they get's wrong. Thank you! This is a terrifying David Cronenbergian nightmare universe. That's the second reason their job is more difficult. They're not very talented. They first appeared in the 90s with an off-the-cuff joke blaming BB King for eating one of their fellow M&Ms. That one joke spawned an entire fictional universe of needy, sentient, smart-mouthed M&Ms who crave our attention and who we in return want to eat. Like a dark meditation on the plate of farm animals who I'd like to think we wouldn't eat if they could talk and fell in love with us. I'm really glad you came by. Why is that? Because I'm all out. Which one of you is Peanut? Whoa! Is this thing working? We do learn that M&Ms melt from the inside when they get horny. That they are prone to kidnapping each other and us. That they glory in the death of rival types of candy, playing with the body parts and splashing in the guts of a melted chocolate bar. And what is the other one? Oh yeah! We're fucking them. There's always been something slightly off-putting about Tony the Tiger. With other serial mascots, there's a clean binary. You're either clothed or naked. You're either imaginary and magical or a sobering depiction of the neighborhood junkie and the cool guy who sells him drugs. But Tony's never seemed quite sure where he fits in. I always thought he just magically showed up at some hockey match or casual sports encounter like a sugar-induced Tyler Durden. Then he started guest coaching your little league games and people went along with it because, hey, he's getting a little older and didn't seem that much to do. But at a certain point, the ads made the baffling decision to imply that Tony had a life before and after each commercial appearance as a lonely single male adult. Notice how the dads politely ignore him. Good job, man! Bye! Okay. He's like that kid in elementary school who was always screaming, hey guys, wait for me! If that kid was a 50-something single tiger who seems to be lifting a lot of weights in his down time. Hey sport, run ahead and fetch dad's rifle, will ya? Alright, now for the best part. Now where were we? Got the balls? He's up. And it's good. And now he's in your fucking house. Calog's Frosted Flakes. So every single time Tony randomly showed up in a kid's house, that's how he got in there, walking through the front door with a big weird smile on his face. Off the backboard. Oh hey, I must have walked up and started playing the saddest game of Hangman ever in your driveway without seeing you there playing basketball. That's not even how you play Hangman. What's that phrase, tiger, tiger? Yeah, sure it is. Go make some friends your own age, Tony. His ribs are insane. You gotta be kidding me. That's right motherfuckers, we can now answer the phone while eating ribs. Your parents are gonna be like, what? Tiffany texted. Oh my god. Holy shit, you can read text messages with your finger? That's creepy as fuck. I guess it's hard to explain what's different about your phone without coming off as a little petty or an alien. Which means it's time to let the advertisers go off prompter. Hello? Yo Danny boy. Badness are you? Yep. Not only does this ad completely fail to show off the phone's features, but if you give a teenage boy hairy palms and then show literal crabs coming out of the pube-like hairs around his hand vagina, people are gonna think about what he's gonna do to his friend's mouth when he gets home later. Yo, you awake bro? Also weird choice to put the part words come out of down by the mouth and the part you speak into up by the ear, since that's not how phones work. But I'm sure they add their reasons. Oh, right. So the person representing the consumer in their ad could fuck the horrifying sci-fi metaphor they invented for the product they're supposed to be trying to sell. Man, that must be like marketing 101. Now a question for graduate-level marketing courses. If you're the food industry, how do you get more money from people who are already consuming your addictive product at a rate that's become a national health epidemic? You can't show them eating more of your food. You probably can't even show how much they're eating already without grossing everyone out. And no, you can't just hold them up at gunpoint and take all of their money for the last time. What's spooky is that the entire food industry seems to have leapt to their feet and shadowed the same weird-ass answer in unison. Drop dead Fred the food addiction, of course. If we create an irresponsible, grotesque, and occasionally violent, imaginary adult or animal that externalizes their addiction, we make addictive behavior seem normal and absolve ourselves and our consumers of all guilt. I mean, big tobacco just bribed a bunch of doctors, but we could try this, I guess. If you replace the junk food they use to control their cravings with literally any street drug, those ads immediately become the most coherent metaphor to ever appear in an anti-drug PSA. Oh! Okay. These ballpark Frank ads seem to be trying to scare kids straight about the horrifying thing their product will make them do. I tell ya, Frankfurt is so good, your girlfriend won't feel safe around you no more. Heck, you won't feel safe around yourself, mister. Just a few hours without one, boy, you won't be able to control the testosterone demon bursting out of your chest. Oh! That's it, no final shot with the old guy shaking his fist as his hair is restored, just eerie stillness of un-breathing death. And a lifetime of guilt for the kid. Oh, wait, did that old guy knock a drink out of someone's hand at the beginning? Nevermind, I didn't realize he deserved to be murdered. Roll sound. Hey guys, thanks for watching the video you presumably watched, unless you just skipped the end to watch the end plates, like I do, cause I really just super love the end plates. So, if you're like me and you just watched the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. Alright, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates.
cracked	everything_everywhere_all_at_once_review_aka_okay_he_s_blue	Okay, so I obviously didn't get it perfect yet. There was like a half second where we were on screen in between the two clips, but we'll get there. I'm sure I looked like this. I was like really sort of entranced by the countdown music and the... Yeah. I was really jamming to- My facts? Oh, uh, welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the internet, the show where we do a book club but for movies, which are like books but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jessie and Ally. Say hello. Hello. I'm actually in another multiverse where I never curse, so I'm really not going to mess this one up tonight. Yeah. We are on the Facebook, we are on the Twitter, at least presumably we are on the YouTube. So yeah, if you swear, lots of tech moguls. It's okay. I tapped into it. I tapped into a different universe where the swear words don't even exist actually. Hello, um, person from Denmark. I'm not going to try and say your name. I mean, it looks easy, but I'm scared. I'm scared. Um, uh, so here's the thing that we're doing, we're going to be talking about everything everywhere all at once and we're going to give our thoughts on it. But if any of you have a comment or a question or an alternate title for the movie, what you think it should have been titled, just throw it into whatever respective chats you've got wherever the heck you are. And Brian will be going through and grabbing them and giving them to us. Yeah. There we go. Brian's on top of it. Wow. Okay. After, after we do the review, after we talk about what we think about it, the important people, um, we will go through the things that you all said and, uh, discuss why they were bad questions and comments personally going to be taking your comments and questions and presenting them as if they're my own, right? Taking credit for everything that you all say. Um, I want to proceed getting into the discussion of this by saying, um, I am aware that first of all, hi, I missed you all. I was gone for two weeks beyond that. Before I was gone for the two weeks previous to that, I had brought up this movie twice in two different live streams and had been like, it's amazing. It's the best thing I've ever seen to the point where we actually got a comment that was like, is this spawn con? Like someone has to tell me if like this woman has been paid to like get into this chat and just be like, and if you haven't seen the movie, you're an idiot. So I'm going to attempt to shut up a little bit and let you guys sort of take the reins because I do feel that I have sort of done. I feel like I've done the legwork and we can come back to me. Well, nobody needs to know if I like liked the movie, it's pretty clear that I'm getting paid millions of dollars to like the movie I'm just like, I just adore it. Obviously. Well, I feel like the conversation is much more than good or bad. Hopefully we have something else to say about it. I mean, I don't, but I'm hoping that you do. Well that I, I liked it. There were some parts that I thought were like trying a little too hard, being a little too cute, but in the air, calm down. Yeah. Okay. So this is a very binary thing, either you liked it or you're off the pod. No, but I liked a lot, but there is a lot that I do want explained by somebody who loves it because this movie also got so much hype before I got around to seeing it. That it was like teetering on that, like people like this too much. I don't know if I'm going to like it. And by that you mean me saying, if you don't see us, I'm going to shoot you with a gun. She showed me the gun. Yeah. That's terrifying. I would really like to hear exactly why this was the best movie ever made. Well let's start with this, Jesse, give us a recap. There will theoretically be spoilers throughout this. So I apologize ahead of time. You should go watch the movie and then come back and watch this if you haven't, or if you care about those things, but Jesse, recap it as best you can in like a paragraph or two. Okay. So it all started beginning of the universe. No, it starts in, I guess modern day somewhere. Who knows? Somewhere in America, I guess. I'm pretty sure they say it's like the city Valley. No. Okay. Well, good start. I'm glad we all are. It's in California. We assume it's at least in North America. All right. So it's a family. It centers on a woman. I forget her name, actually. What's her name? Evelyn. Okay. So it centers on Evelyn who's running a laundromat with her husband, Waymon. That guy is played by, what's his name again? It's around. Yes. Yeah. He's got a really, it was sort of this triumphant return to like serious acting for this guy and it was great. He was really great. So Evelyn and Waymon are running this laundromat, they're struggling with it. They are being audited, I guess, by the IRS or they're on there on the brink of being audited. And so while they're trying to manage that, they also find themselves sucked into this like gigantic multiverse where the whole idea is that there are infinite universes. And because of that, it gets into all the philosophical stuff about infinite universes means infinite possibility. Nothing's impossible. Like, you know, this book in my hand might turn into a cat, you know? So one of these infinite universes has figured out how to contact and sort of jump between the universes. And so that's what Evelyn finds out. She's contacted by the Waymond of a different universe who sort of starts to explain this stuff to her. She then finds herself at the center of this epic battle against this one supreme dark being who's trying to basically, you know, wield the power of nihilism to destroy all of the infinite universes. And it turns out that this supreme dark being is also her daughter in every universe that she has a daughter. So it becomes this battle to save the infinite universes, but then also save herself, save her daughter, save their relationship. There's a lot of like parental relationships, stress sort of stuff going on there as well. And in the end, Waymond comes through big time. He's supposed to be sort of this like bumbling kind of doofus of a man, or at least Evelyn sees him that way. He comes through and ultimately saves the day by convincing everybody to choose kindness over fear and war and that kind of stuff. And it sounds a little bit like far fetched and like high reaching, but it's done really well, especially the choosing kindness to save the day really kind of resonated with me. And this is usually the part where we would throw to whoever suggested this movie and have them say why. But since Allie's been technically saying that. True. Since I've been getting paid thousands of dollars to get people to see this movie. Yeah, I mean, the short answer is is we all just sort of decided because, A, it is a movie that is very highly rated, is kind of blowing up a little bit. It's getting a lot of word of mouth traction. And we're trying. Yeah. Thanks, Holly. Guys, you're welcome. We're trying to be we're trying to be cool. We're trying to be hip. Oh, you know, Jesse's been trying to get us to watch all the things that he watched when he was four. When I was cool. Yeah, that was last play. Hey, that was the last time it was cool. We have to all reach for our glory days. Right. But we're you know, we're we're cool. We're hip and we're with it now. We're we're getting covid for you all. But yeah, let's let's just dive into that. I have some some questions and observations as we go. But we'll obviously be grabbing things from people. And I know you all have some I think the one I wanted to start with Jesse is what you mentioned, which is this nihilism thing. Because I think what's interesting about it is the main villain, her struggle is nihilism. She has experienced everything, everything that's even possible to experience for herself because she has managed to visit every multiverse where every possible thing has happened. And yet she still comes to the conclusion or she's come to the conclusion. Who cares? And you think that her goal is to destroy everyone and take over or something. But actually, she's just trying to kill herself. That's her whole goal is to just stop experiencing because there's so much sadness. There's so many bad multiverses. There's so many sad things. And just like what is the point? If all things are possible, why do anything basically? And she expresses something like it's not even like the preponderance of the multiverses are terrible. She said, like, even like in most of them, life just like simply didn't even develop. So it's like when you are all conscious and when you are all knowing everything is demanding your attention all the time. And the ability to find any sort of real happiness in that while everything else is clamoring for your attention is impossible. And it doesn't feel worth it to fight for the very few good moments where things make sense and align and are easy when you're being pulled in all directions at all times, which is like sort of like the thesis statement of of everything, even down to just like the moments of like this like mother daughter relationship on the real earth with real problems. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. Because like that is sort of like the movie starts. OK, we do the IRS issue is because Evelyn has been purchasing things and writing them off as like a professional tax write offs like as being necessary to her job. And this IRS agent is saying, hey, if your job is that you run a laundromat, you can't write off a karaoke machine and a typewriter and editing software and all these other things that are like your jobs. You don't really do those things. Those are hobbies. Hobbies are not jobs. That's like the the first conflict of the movie. But it is the conflict of the whole movie, which is like if you try to be everything, you want to be everything. Your life feels like it amounts to nothing. Nothing makes sense. Everything in my head is clamoring for me to try something else and make some sense and meaning out of this like stupid little life I have on earth. And then that like gets blown up to like the ultimate macro proportion of this like all knowing and if it didn't being who's like, yeah, I can see all the universes and they all want my attention and none of them make sense to me. And it's too hard to make sense of any of them. I think I'd rather be dead. But also in this, she like you were saying, you think she's like trying to find Evelyn to stop her so that she can won't she won't stop her from this crazy plan. Like you think it's going to kind of follow like a superhero supervillain thing where it's like, you're my ultimate match. And I if I don't stop you in this universe, you'll stop me in another universe. Like very like, I don't know, Doc Ock kind of. And instead, it's really that she like wants her mommy and like wants her to. And the universe like with her, because she's lonely and like needs like a witness to this like unbelievable pain and trauma that she's going through. And I like I just adore that. Yeah. And she said at one point she was like she even clarified. I didn't necessarily want to die with you. Or I guess that's one of the things she's going for. But she was like, I was just hoping that if you saw everything, the way I saw it, you would have the fix. You would have some way out of this. And this is when the two of them are just rocks in one of the universes where life never existed. And they're. Evelyn comes to conclusion that, oh, shit, this does suck. Like, I do kind of get what you're getting after and it's bad. And so Joy, the daughter is like, oh, yeah, well, that's what I suspected. I was hoping you had a better take. But yeah, I was hoping you'd think like there is some reason we should be alive and work so hard. But if you don't think there is a reason, like we should just just give up and, you know, fall into the nothingness, which, by the way, is a black hole kind of. But it's also an everything bagel because she put everything on a bagel which sort of like caused like a white hole collapse of matter on itself. Yeah, that's what this movie is like. Like, it's like really deep concepts. And there's like a profound sadness that runs through it. But it's all punctuated by like. The most inevitably stupid joke, which I like genuinely respect. I like love that of the many, many things I love about this movie. The humor really sticks out to me. It is just like funny. It is a funny movie. There's a lot of different kinds of humor. Like there's like some referential humor and there's some gross out humor. And like there's like a lot of different humors. It sounds like the body things. Yeah. But what I what I like. I was talking about this with my friend when we were walking home from seeing the movie, I was like a lot of the jokes in the movie feel like that inside joke you made with one of your best friends in college at like two in the morning that has become like a cornerstone of your friendship. It's like that joke that you made in junior year that is like still the funniest thing you've ever thought of. And like it still comes up in conversation and like you treasure it for it's like stupidity and like the the world that kind of gets built around an inside joke. And I don't think I've ever seen a movie where I have like really felt that where I have felt like that, like sort of in like heightened inevitable, like if this is true, it also is true. Like funniest possible punchline ending of this joke that is also still rooted in absolute inane stupidity. Like for me, the best example of that is in later, later in the movie when they're in the hot dog universe, the hot dog fingers universe. And they're having their like lover spat reconciliation. Uh, Deidre is playing the piano with her feet, but she also has an ankle brace on the foot that she would have a brace on. It's like, of course, of course, because if in this universe she has a wrist brace in this one, she has an ankle brace because it's her dominant foot. I mean, like so stupid. I love it so much. I love the stupid joke. I really love the consistency of details across the different universes. Like we were discussing before we started recording, the that song story of a girl, I'm guessing is the name of the song. But that song would pop up in different universes. But slightly like the lyrics would be different or be a different genre. It'd be like a country song in one universe. So I thought that that really struck me is like that attention to detail. Little things like that. Yeah. So what's interesting. So we went so far field of my question. I have so many things to say. No, it's fine. It's good. This is what podcasts are. So let me do this joke thing real quick. So what I think is really interesting about it is like you're saying, all of these are what I expected to be one off ridiculous jokes. And so to sort of explain what we're talking about, like hot, there's there's a universe where everything is basically the same, except that we all developed hot dog fingers. Like, really, that's what the thumbnail, if you're on to these really, really long fingers instead of normal fingers. And so our feet became dominant or whatever. There's another universe where there's just a guy who has a ratatouille thing going on, but with a raccoon in his hat. And also he works at like a hibachi grill or something. And these are just goofy jokes of like, oh, if the multiverse was real, presumably these things would develop, because why not? But they're not one off jokes. They truly go back to those universes so many times. Yeah, it just like heightens and heightens. And all like a really satisfying conclusion. Yeah, the climax basically involves revisiting. So so Evelyn is being attacked by all these different people who we've met different versions of them in different universes. And it involves her again, like choosing kindness to basically go back to these other universes in her brain and solve the problems of these people who in this universe are trying to kill her with scissors and with like, you know, other, you know, other office supplies. But yeah, yeah. And that's part of the thing that I think is so interesting about it is the reason I brought up the nihilism or the reason I wanted to talk about the nihilism is my dad always makes fun of me. I was an English major in college, which was already pretty worthless, but I was also a film studies minor, which is even more worthless. That's OK. I double majored in musical theater and English, just so I'd have one really solid job to fall back on. Do you know what I'm saying? Well, at least one of them is a major. You didn't minor and friggin they were both stupid. But so I took a I took a whole class on the Coen brothers and their filmography. And my dad always points that as a low point in his life because knowing that I was doing that. But one of the big topics that we talked about is they are ostensibly cheerful nihilists as well. And it's this idea. Nothing matters. They're existentialists, I guess. But just basically nothing matters. And what's the point? And I believe it's a simple man or ordinary man, whichever whatever the title for that movie is. One of their movies, a rabbi just basically comes out and says, so if nothing matters, just be kind. Yeah. And that's obviously very thematically similar to what we're talking about, because Jesse, you keep alluding to it. The kindness thing comes to a head when her husband, who is not her husband in another timeline, they look like they're about to get together even in this alternate timeline where they're both like very successful and very famous, as opposed to in the normal timeline where they're both poor and married. And she kind of pulls away again and he's like, I bet you think that I'm weak. But actually, I'm a fighter, too, because she is literally a martial art star in this particular timeline. And he says something to the effect of it's just that I think kindness is worth fighting for and I fight with kindness. And he's like, it's not easier. In fact, it's harder to do that. And that is ultimately literally the final fight scene is her killing all these people with kindness, as it were. It's like the importance of like gratification and the different kinds of gratification that there are in the world, whether it's like professional or love or sex. Like it's like it's like pink stuff. Yeah, exactly. It's great. I like love that it's like it is really silly, but they don't they don't like talk down to it. They're not like this one's more important than this one. This one's the stupid one. But this is the important kind of gratification. Literally, everybody gets the same love, whether it's like giving somebody a puppy or like giving somebody a really good orgasm, you know what I mean? It's like gratification and it matters. And I think I think that's what's so compelling about it is this idea again, that I also love this with the Coen brothers, which is, you know, spoiler alert again, having having grown up in a Christian background, being ordained minister there for a while. One of the big spoiler alert, the rapture is coming. Yeah, spoiler alert. That idea is only 150 years old and is not biblically supported. So I don't believe the rapture alert. It's a bunch of crap. But what am I saving my virginity for? The rapture. Right. No. One of the one of the counters that comes up a lot where they're like, well, you got to be a Christian because otherwise nothing like you nobody could ever be nice unless they had a moral code or something like that. And so I think it's always code. Yeah, it was a little code. And I think it's just really interesting to I don't think that's the reason you should have faith is so that there's like somebody behind you being like, you better be freaking nice or you're going to hell all the time. And so I think movies like this and Coen brothers and stuff like this are just really, I think, very valuable to be like, hey, some people are looking at the nihilism of nothing matters at all. They're taking it even further than maybe the average like American person would think about their life and think about existence. And they still find something like it's still worth being kind or at least it's worth putting into our movie so that we'll talk about it, we'll make money off of it, which is maybe the most nihilistic take of all. But I still just think it's it's a very compelling theme to say we get to the end of the universe. We're at the edge of the flat Earth, which is another thing, I believe. And we're looking over the we almost let that one go right through. It took me a second. I know you guys like everything he's saying is stupid anyway. It's probably like listening to me intently. And I really thought you had I thought you like had taken my hand and were leading me someplace good. I didn't know you were leading me off the edge of the flat Earth. This is the only way to keep people engaged. And just and just realizing there's still something there. There's still some meaning to be found. And I just think this movie did a really good job of it. And then full circle back to the comedy. I was reading about these directors who, if you don't know, they're famous. Like they got their big break for doing the turn down for what music video? Yeah, you remember is an Asian man who happens to be one of the directors humping his way through an apartment complex. Yeah. And he like busts through walls and stuff. It is really it's awesome. It is really cool. I actually rewatched it. That was like a fun fact when I was watching it at the Alamo Drafthouse. And I was like, fun fact, this song you haven't thought about for a really long time, you watch them, rewatch it. I was like, oh, yeah, OK. So so this movie and their other movie, Swiss Army Man, and I would argue that this music video, what they say that they do, what these directors have claimed in some interviews, is they like to take the stupidest ideas, the most sophomoric, juvenile, stupid joke ideas that they could possibly have. I mean, Swiss Army Man makes a big it's a it's a boner and a dick joke. Yeah, the entire crew out. Yeah. They double down kind of just like this where they're like hot dog fingers. No, no, no, that's the point now. And then their goal is to how do we take that and we turn it profound in some way? And like, again, that's the thing that's beautiful about the hot dog universe. Right. They're like, our hands are useless. But even still, we find a way to make our feet play the piano. Yeah. And it's like even like a line where she's like very seriously like but we our hands are hot dogs, but we've gotten very good with our feet. It's like delivered like it's like the monologue in Pride and Prejudice where they're like, I love you. Right. And then the foot goes across her face if I'm not like funny and stupid. Little bit of fan service. I just think that I was driving home from this movie being so inspired. I'm like, well, I got the dick joke part. How do I how do I make them profound somehow? How do I it's like now this is what I want to figure out how to do is. All right. I can already make a hot dog universe joke. I could do that. But how do I. Add some meaning to it. I don't know. It's really like a random thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make a really funny version of The Fountainhead. Well, because OK, so he's so funny. Not to not to like start spoiling other movies we might do, but I just saw North the Northman, Northman, Northman, whatever. And Northman liked it. I liked it. Northman. I liked it fine. But it's another one of those types of movies where it's like it's serious and it is perpetually so it's just it's just he he walks with his neck out because he's brute and, you know, they growling and stuff. And I'm like, I probably won't ever be able to sit down and write this type of movie because I sneak flat Earth jokes in the middle of talking about religion. But this kind of movie, I'm like, this is it. I'm halfway to this. How do I? I totally I like really, I really understand that, unfortunately. And this is going to be of all the inseparable things I've said on this podcast, maybe like the most. So this is a spoiler alert. OK, I'm going to hold on to the desk. Hold on. This movie made me like really love, respect and miss doing improv. I know. I'm just going to go. That's cool. Hold on one second. And I'm like really for it's the reasons are like twofold. One is the ability to see a joke to its inevitable funniest end. That it's not that like jokes are here for like one singular purpose and it's not let the things are meant to be quippy or tied up so perfectly in a little bow. It's just like finding something that you agree makes you laugh. You don't totally know why yet. You're just like, that's funny. That's funny. OK, that's funny. I'm not going to let that go. And like everybody's sort of working together to make it to see it to its like full grown, you know, like like to send it off to college and be like, you did it. You happy graduation, dumb dick joke that we made ten days ago. Right. And the other part of it is like a love of genre because like something that I really love about improv that I think gets forgotten when you see like just like not very good improv for a while, where it's just like a lot of scenes about people fighting in a restaurant is that like great improv can take place anywhere at any time and you can go there at any time. And like, that's why I wanted to get into it after doing so much theater for so long. That was like literally the reason I like was like, I think I need to like learn a new art form because I'm feeling kind of like stuck like doing like the same passage of text 100 times and whatever. And I like love that this movie is like, hey, you like you like noir film. You could be in a noir film. You could be there right now. Hey, you like Kung Fu? We could be in a Kung Fu film. Actually, we're there. We actually get there already. Or like the Raccocuny, which is like the dumbest, stupidest thing in the movie. But like, even though the joke is stupid, the genre treatment of it is so serious and you are watching a Pixar movie. And it like made me be jealous that I can't jump into the genre and like play along, do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I literally like left and was like, improv is amazing. I miss doing improv. I got to go find a raccoon. I actually, I'm always saying that. So that wasn't different necessarily than how I usually leave movies. When I leave movies, a bunch of rats make a little raft and they carry me back down to the subways and then I emerge when I see the next movie. No, I think that's great. Also, funny thing, literally, as we've been talking, I just got an email. So in February 2020, I started improv for the first time ever in my whole life. And then pandemic hit. We didn't even finish 101 or whatever. I was having a blast. I'd already actually paid for the next season or the next whatever class. And I've been periodically every six months emailing to be like, so I you have my money. Can we like, can I do it? And he's like, no, we can't do it. And today they finally, literally more than two years later, we are allowed to touch each other. Wow. Yeah, don't do it on Zoom. I don't know if obviously you didn't. But I want to I want to say this as a PSA to everybody. There's no such thing as learning improv on Zoom. I'm really sorry. Well, we didn't. Our our teacher wouldn't let us. But if someone out there is like, hey, give me one hundred dollars. I'll teach you how to do improv on Zoom. Maybe it ain't happening. But don't take it. Don't do it. It's not. I don't know. I didn't actually get very far in the class. For two years, Jordan's just been like, yes. And what? Yeah, that's it. What's next? But yeah, oh, I was just also just a quick pivot. You said Kung Fu. I feel like every time we talk about an action movie, I'm always saying, why is this not the raid? Finally, it's a freaking good fight scene. They exist. I don't know why. Even again, I just watched North. Is it Northman? It's Mr. Northman. Northman, because that's the thing. It's like it feels it feels like I've seen so many superhero movies. And so I want to say Northman. He is Northman here to conquer the night man. It's better. But in the Northman, there are fight scenes and they're really long takes and it's impressive visually and technically. But it's still just like dude, swing ax man go out and die. And this took a fanny pack and made the coolest frickin fight scene that I've seen in five years, 10 years since basically I watched the raid and then went down a rabbit hole of actually good Kung Fu movies. And I just why can't we get more of that? I know. Well, it's also like they talk. I have sort of fallen down a rabbit hole of watching Michelle Yeoh doing interviews all the way back through her entire career just because I've been so enamored with her performance in the movie in general. And it's something that she said, it's something that Jackie Chan says, it's something that like everybody says, which is that like a good fight scene is choreographed like a dance and a good fight scene is is is a dialogue, even if there isn't words like the best fight scenes are ones where like there is a in your eyes and in your intentions, a dialogue. And so it is a scene. And that like if that scene has some humor, then the fight scene is amazing because you understand everybody's intention. It's not funny because you know what I mean? It's one of those things where it's like, I guess you could get a cheap laugh if you're just like, oh, no, my ax is actually rubber. But it's like not going to actually be funny, funny for any more than that one initial joke, because like there's no dialogue yet. And that like when you can add in the dialogue of like, this is a scene. That's when it becomes like. Not just exciting as a fight scene, but also like engaging as an audience and you're like caring who wins and you know the beats of it because you can follow a conversation. So like you're like, who's going to who's going to be the repost in this conversation? And it's like, you know what I mean? I could not have explained that worse. Well, I mean, I out loud in the theater. I think another way. Yeah, I think another way that you could say it, just what you said is, I mean, we are getting characterization through fight scenes, right? Like when Joy shows up, she just obliterates everybody in a really cool fight scene, creative way. She's making people's heads explode in confetti, but she's acting her ass off for starters. She's she is changing outfits. She is changing expressions. She is changing her inflection. And you're getting you're getting the nihilism before you even know that's what she is. She's like, I don't care. I'm I'm murdering people. I I'm changing my outfit just to see if anything sticks. I don't care. And by the exact opposite, like the dad is obliterating dudes with a fanny pack. And it's just giving you the oh, my God, in a different world. Dude is dudes legit. He can make a fanny pack. I don't know, but he's still got his fanny pack. It's just they do a lot of characterization in that moment. And I actually think that's the best thing about this is slightly off topic a little bit like Avengers, the second Avengers movie, they're all trying to pick up Thor's hammer. And it's ostensibly just a comedic scene. Yeah, yeah. But you get little snippets of all their characters and like the way that they approach the world in the way that they approach this goofy thing. And I think just that's how you make a good scene. And there's a good way to make a fight scene, a good scene. That's not just like I got a gun, they got guns. I kill all them. I am winning. Yeah. Choreography aside. I've got I've got what's probably going to be an unpopular opinion about a scene that introduces joy as the villain. I thought I was so worried that the movie was going to like go too far down that path. Like it struck me as like somebody sat down and watched like The Mask and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and like maybe a little inception and then wrote this movie. I was so afraid it was just going to be like, whoa, look how random we can be. Yeah, they literally had like she she suddenly like kind of snaps her fingers and a cop who's trying to shoot her turns into like the Shakita banana lady. And that seems like it was directly from The Mask or something. And I think he hates The Mask because The Mask is always horny. Look, I love The Mask, but it's not. I was going to say, is that not like the pinnacle of your existence? Isn't that the most 90s of all 90s things? Yeah, but Jesse doesn't respect how how libido driven he is. Yeah, no, I think he should be a little bit more pious. No, but I think but The Mask let it be its own freaking movie. You know, like I was just worried that they were going to be too much. Like, look how random we can be. Because that's like one pitfall of leaning into nihilism, I think. Which I think Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a good example. Like, I like that. I remember liking the movie. I read the books and they were they felt like they lean too much into the like, could you imagine if a whale fell out of the sky? Could you imagine? Yeah, I can because you showed it to me and it wasn't that hard. But but anyway, that's I was afraid the movie is going to go there. But I was really glad that they took it much more philosophical and and more personal. They had more points to make than like, look at the crazy stuff she can do. Right. Well, I think that's the thing is their their humor is intentionally trying to put you off kilter or like to throw you off the scent so that when like you get the double satisfaction of getting the joke and getting like the meaning behind all of it, getting the purpose from hot dog fingers like the first time that happened. A lot of people laughed, but the people right next to me were kind of like, like, maybe this is weirder than what I signed up for. Yeah, I knew it was going to be wacky, but this is stupid. But then when you get to the end and as you're saying, Allie, that moment where her foot goes up and it's got the foot brace, the ankle brace. Everybody is just so funny because it was it was hitting so many different things. Emotional, comedic. It was it was again, it's essentially it's it's a movie made for me. It has come to fight scenes and hot dog fingers and like a bonding with a daughter. I have daughters. Oh, Jordan, you think about having a big fight in a car with your daughter. Not about it. What you were going to say when you finally had to apologize to her. Jordan went home and immediately let his daughters go. He said, I'm free. And he left the next few years of tension. You guys just go get in the car, drive away. I won't bother you. Yeah, my three year old would freakin love that. Yeah, she's actually driving right now. She is. We got her a. Well, we we off a used, disgusting, covered in dirt free. Car thing like a battery operated. Oh, cool. So she was actually tearing around our yard right now, smashing in everything. That's great. Yeah. So yeah, I will say like. It's like sentence sounds like the kind of thing you would like pull from a one like a review and it would be taken kind of like weirdly out of context. So I don't mean it that way, but like this does feel like a movie made by millennials. And like, that's why I think that has such a weird connotation now or people are like, whatever you think millennial is, you put negative or positive connotation onto that. But what I really mean is a generation shaped by a very specific kind of humor with access to every kind of movie and TV show ever made on Earth. Do you know what I mean? Your your your concept of a movie isn't what you saw on TV, on cable. It's everything we are. We're the the generation that, you know, saw Netflix go from DVDs to streaming. Like, you know, like we are the like information access generation. We went from no Internet to Internet to being able to search for everything to also the very specific nihilism that comes with watching your life's possibilities narrow down to a pinprick completely out of your control, the dependent, you know, I mean, like you can work hard, play hard, do whatever you want, be the best of anything in the world. And it just is all squashed because nobody cares if the planet dies or if you can buy a house or whatever. Like this movie feels extremely made of, made by that generation, a kind of for that generation without ever having to specifically say, like, doesn't it suck that you're 30? Which I like very much respect. It's like I have not seen a movie that like tries to have these themes that are not specifically tied to like being on Earth and being in the housing crisis. Do you? Yeah, yeah. I'm very glad that they didn't do one of those very obvious, like, like, remember 9-11? You know what I mean? Like sneak like a 9-11. Yes, like news report into one of the universes. Yes, they were very they were pretty subtle with things like that. And they also like they took the nihilism seriously. Like, I think there's a version of this movie that any generation can get because when you're a young person, a lot of times you'll fall into, you know, pits of despair, whether it's like depression or anxiety or whatever. And nihilism is either you're stuck in it or it seems tempting or whatever. But I think you're really right that this does have a very specific this is saying like this nothingness, this everything bagel, it's a black hole like exists and could destroy us all. And we see it destroy people. So it's not just in her head and it's not just in our head as the viewers. It's like, this is real and we all have to navigate this. Yeah, something that I saw somebody say on Twitter and I forgot to write down the handle, so oops. And I apologize was that they were like a lot of things in the in the movie like look like googly eyes, including all of the laundromat machines, all of the washers look like. Oh, wow. Yeah. They're like white with a big black circle. And then I was like, oh, my God, the opposite of that is the bagel. The bagel is a black circle with a white center. So it's like they like they're their things are like direct opposite of each other. And they're like inherently complimentary. Like they like they together make up like one complete perfect circle. Oh, like separately, like one is like the googly eye and one is the is the bagel. That's super interesting because like the Google. So I ended up watching it a second time just because I watch it for the first time, like a couple of weeks ago. So it didn't strike me until I watched it again last night how important the Google eyes were. That's basically saying like you should humanize everything. Is that is that does that seem like the right take away? Does that seem like what the Google eyes were to Wayman? I don't know. He was it was like fun because it was like just him that just having a laugh. I thought it was I thought it was like part of his part of his whole thesis of like be kind to everybody, where it's like make an effort to humanize everybody, including your enemies, because in the climactic scene, she shoots she shoots these googly eyes onto her enemies like they're bullets. Yeah, also yourself. Make sure to like humanize yourself because she gets so right at the beginning of this climax, she gets shot with a gun. The bullet ends up stopping right in front of her head. Again, extremely matrixy, but it's fine. We'll let them have it. She then sort of looks at the bullet and just with her mind turns it into a googly eye and then puts it on her head. And I felt like that was a very deliberate thing. Like, remember you, too, are human. Yeah, and that's the only way you're going to be able to wield this kindness is. Yeah, I think like it's funny because like the movie does definitely start with like a a really healthy dose of nihilism. And I feel like it's it's ultimate thesis statement is isn't it weird that we're alive? Do you know what I mean? Like, I know that that sounds like I'm dumbing down a very smart movie, but like, I feel like it's kind of asking. Yeah, I mean, that's what I get to pay the big bucks for. But I feel like it's asking you to say or step back and consider, oh, life's absurd. And I happen to be here. I guess I'll make some sense of it as opposed to like trying to wrestle with the nihilism of what should I care about versus what shouldn't I care about versus what matters versus what doesn't. Where it's just sort of like, you know, it's weird that we're alive. That's pretty weird. That's why I didn't ask for that. But here we are. So we might as well just like do something. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's kind of the ultimate thing. There's a book that I really like that I'm going to recommend. That's called Everything Matters, exclamation point. The premise of which it's very strange. It's a counter to black lives, right? Yeah. Thank God. And that's why I'm here to recommend it. No. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I've always thought that maybe all lives like why I get maybe everything. Hey, Brian, do we have one of those technical difficulty slates? Yeah, exactly. Can we cut can we cut to a commercial? Hey, we're streaming on Facebook now. I'm trying to get us to go viral. I want this to come to a commercial from the 90s. I want this to cut to like the like pure moods volume one CD commercial from like old man. Very good. OK, so in this very weird book that has nothing to do with that, the premise of it is that a a kid is sitting in his classroom in the 70s and he is one of the many kids who watch the Challenger explosion live on TV. But in this, he sees the Challenger explosion and then his brain like goes like when he sees the end of the world and he like can't get anybody to believe him because they all just think he's like a kid who's been traumatized by seeing something pretty traumatic on TV. Makes sense. But he's like, nope, I know the date, time and everything of when the world's going to end. And it's just like how would a person live their life if they knew if they knew exactly when it was going to happen and how and where they were going to be? And, you know, it just like goes through periods of like striving really hard and complete nutter to spare and nihilism and it's like I think if you liked this movie, you would like that book. It's called Everything Matters. It's by Ron Curry, Jr. Does anybody get killed by a fanny pack? Nope, no, sorry. Or a straight up dildo like she smashes a cop's head with two dildos wild. I mentioned that to you guys, but in the first time I watched it, there was a guy in my theater who had the loudest and the dumbest laugh I've ever heard in my life. And so every time there was a dildo or a butt plug, it was the height of comedy. Like people around him were getting up and moving to different parts. I I hate having those guys at orgies, too. It's like every. Oh, I know. Like you're killing the moon. You're really. Yeah, you can't laugh every time I pull one out. There's going to be a bunch. OK. I got a whole couple bag. All right. Speaking of anybody watch Derek comedy because I made a Derek comedy reference in a video recently and a few people are pretty excited about it. And there's a whole thing. I mean, years ago when YouTube was was born out of its primordial goo. There's the there's the one where Donald Glover keeps showing up to frat houses with GameCube and a huge black dildo. Anyone? I don't remember that. I'm not going to say the name of it because it's it's not very appropriate. Make it say make it say old man rant corner again. Yeah, you can't you remember the GameCube? Old man scandalized by bad words. Yeah. It's not bad words. I haven't said a single bad word this entire time. I know it's been a very pleasant, great podcast. Very swear free. It's everybody proud of me. Daddy, are you proud? I didn't say any bad words this entire time. I really tried really hard. I said a bunch. Is that OK? Yeah, we switched. We switched universes. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to ruin your life. Am I you in this universe? Yeah, yeah, you're me in this universe and you're just going to ruin everything. Yeah, I'm going to kill you. I want to say I don't have sex with the Mandalorian. You know, when I get back to when I get back to my universe, if I'm good at musical improv, I swear to God I'm out. We're done. No, that's how you're going to find meaning in this world. I swear to God. That's that's that's the problem is that there was no universe where joy learned musical improv. She's like, I experienced that's the one thing that my life, no matter what I did, I couldn't get into it. That whole bagel thing would have never happened. Yeah. Right. All right. Any last observations before we turn it over to the people? I think, yeah, that's a good one. I think, oh, it was a really good something I missed the first time, too, is that specifically this Evelyn in this universe that we're following is the savior of the whole multiverse because she's bad at everything. All these like hobbies that she had and even her family and all that kind of stuff in every other universe that she visits to go to go take on these these different traits, like learn how to fight, you know, do kung fu and stuff in every other universe. One thing that she tried ended up taking off for her. But in this particular universe, she's bad at everything. And therefore, her possibilities are endless. She could be good at anything. It's kind of inspiring, honestly. It really is. Yeah. One of my favorite lines of the movie, of which there are very many good ones, is that in the universe where they where she meets back up with Weynand and they are ultra, ultra successful. She's a movie star. He's like a successful businessman. He says, in another life, I would have been happy just doing laundry and taxes with you. And I'm like, oh, God, just beautiful. Lovely. My taxes. Oh, no. Yeah. But like that is also something I like love about the movie. I think it's like, well, sorry, now I'm not on another tangent. I think we are like allergic to making movies about older people in America. Like we like really, really don't make movies about older people. And when we do, they are either like a bucket list where it's like, isn't it funny that this old man is jumping out of a plane or it's like beginners where it's like an ultra drama where it's like, this man is 60, but he's finally coming out and being who he really is. And he's going to have a relationship with man. It's always always something like that. There's like no like you. Yeah, there's no like you have inherent worth just the way you are. Exactly. And like stopped when you turn 25. I really think that like in in an alternate universe of this universe, there's a lesser version of this movie where joy is the protagonist and the evil being in the universe is her mother. And she has to like find a way to bridge the gap and make her understand where she's coming from. And like, I respect so much that this movie is about a middle-aged woman who has not really seemingly accomplished anything. And that like the inherent conflict is from her, like her generational struggles and her familial struggles and her dad being from a different, you know, culture and generation. And the fact that she feels her life is narrowing down to like a pinprick and doesn't see like what's going to happen. Do you know what I mean? Just like all that stuff. Like it wouldn't make sense following a 26 year old daughter. It just like wouldn't it just it would make sense, but it wouldn't make capital S like sense the way I feel like this movie makes sense. Yeah, I also like so originally this was supposed to be a Jackie Chan vehicle, which would have been great, too, I think, in a lot of ways. But I think it was or or you thought it was. No, no, it was. It was written for. Well, when they started writing it, they thought they were going to get Jackie Chan, but then they they flipped it and thought it would it would be better to have a woman lead because the stuff that they wanted to do with the husband, with the with the other spouse, I think, does kind of work better with a male character who I don't know, like the presenting of the divorce papers and stuff. I think it's really interesting coming from a man as opposed to like, Oh, it's my true wife. Yes, and I do. I also think like the ultimate thing of him being like the one who leads with compassion and wants to talk and things like that is like is is more sort of fun and unconventional from the first from from that other perspective, it's more poignant and more you pay more attention to it. Right. Rather than, oh, here we go. Let's do a gender swathe on this movie. But I, oh, I like go. OK, I'm just kidding. I just think having the woman being like, hey, you should be kind is a little bit. That's a pretty traditional take on. Yeah, no, totally. Even being either man, him being like sort of the the like impish little one who likes to put googly eyes on things just because it's like fun and it's just different. Yeah, I do feel like we have seen movies where it's like serious man has has quirky wife and you're just like, how did you guys get together? Do you know what I mean? Whereas I do believe in in this in the context of this movie, he is the kind of person you would move consonants for to be with because he just has like a way about him and like a view on the world that is like so just makes you kind of feel like everything's possible. And so you're like, yeah, of course, of course, we can move to America. Things we totally find there. I believe that because you said it. You have an energy that makes me like believe that's true. Yeah. Cool. Any other thoughts before we apparently we had a lot. We got stuff. OK, wait. Before we start talking about the people say there's something beeping and I'm afraid that you can hear it in the stream and people are going to stop listening to the stream because of the beeping. So give me a second. You you collect some things. We can't. But somebody said Jordan, do an improve. Do an improve right now. John Evans. Hey, what do you guys think about all the spaceships? Nailed it. All right. Improve without cussing. Man, the auto correct on the YouTube is really not doing great. Cussing is an improve is a clutch. At least raccoons wash their hands. There's a lot of great stuff. Thank you for starring all of this, Brian. The great turtle is offended when you say that he's flat. OK, I'm talking about the turtles all the way down. Situation, Luke and Leia were forced can. Or skin force, I think, is a username that was. Yeah, I see that now. Around in there. It's very funny. I like that. What do you do? Happy Place asks, do they eat hot dogs and the hot dog fingered reality? What are lady fingers there? So many questions. What are lady fingers or cookies? I think so. I don't know. I'm not. There was a lot of talk about what the lubricant was in the hot dog realm. And I think it's it's ketchup and mustard. And I feel like it's it's probably gendered. It seems like one comes out of one. One comes out of the other. Oh, yeah. In that one part where they're touching each other's faces and are they both women? Oh, true. Oh, well, in that universe, women are allowed to fall in love. They're watching and they're watching. So again, that's just in the movie. Yeah. No, they're watching some drama on TV. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And right. Right. Like a sort of like a Bollywood thing. And they have ketchup and mustard. I hate the smell of ketchup so much. Really? Yeah. That would be my nightmare universe. There's something so funny about that. People that are I had a roommate in college that hated mustard. I would throw up. You would like gag if anybody near him was having. I like mustard. There's such there's such ubiquitous condiments that it's so funny. I'm sure it sucks when you're. No, it really does. I was sitting outside recently and somebody was eating like a burger and they just loaded the thing up with ketchup. And I was like, to me, you are the most disgusting person in the world. I can see that you're having a lovely day. Minding your own business, showing a burger outside, as is your right. But but I do wish you would just disappear. That is quite a hot take about ketchup. Sorry. There's excellent third beats. Perfect third beats blackout. Not that I I didn't get far enough. Yeah, you can get into your curriculum enough. You're going to do that in your next level. Yeah, something tells me Jordan's going to hate Harold's because they're it's like New York style pizza. Oh, ass and now when I actually think you would love Harold's because it's really about taking an idea and seeing it to its inevitable funniest conclusion. And I think you will you will enjoy the feeling of being on the back line and being like, I know how I can make these things connect. I can play. Yeah, I mean, I can play puppet master. Yeah, I'm the I'm already the funniest person I know. So Jordan Jordan that is one of one class running out and calling a time out so he can go and make his joke. I will say that in the in the first few classes, I was going much harder than everyone else to the point of like accents jumping and sweating. Yeah. And there were certain times where the the teacher was like, so what we can do is if somebody does a really thick accent that you don't understand, just work that into the scene that you just don't understand them. I was like, it's a very clear accent. OK, it's really actually pretty refined. Now, I will say when I was still like teaching improv, when I was in like one on one classes, I would just have a I would just have a pretty solid no accents rule. And you can imagine why it wasn't because people were being so funny. I had to outlaw it. Oh, in my everybody's everybody's got a really good Apu. Yeah, there's a lot of there's a lot of guys who come to one on one with the intention of just debuting that accent that they've just been like working on. So I we sort of you just sort of have a blanket like and you know what's you know what? While we're just like working on these basic concepts, I think it'd be best to speak as ourselves. You know, you've got a little view into what it was like. I understand why you might have had that problem with others. But I can't see how that would apply at all. Well, of course, you know, if you were my student, I would have been like and all of these rules apply to everybody except Jordan. Who's perfect? Oh, thank you very much. Well, thank you very much. I could see why that would apply to me directly. So, OK, somebody said Aaron Lewis, I should be saying names, not just like some guy. Aaron Lewis said, perhaps instead of trying to sum up this film into one sentence, understand it as a story that unfolds over time and should be experienced. So much more to it than this movie is. That's deep, Aaron. Yeah, no, I think this is a movie like that, like demands to be seen. And I think even if you hate it, it is still worth the experience of seeing it because it is so maximalist. Do you know what I mean? I think it's going to be really I think it's going to be influential on a lot of smaller filmmakers who are going to be like, holy crap, you can do that in a movie. Well, we're going to see a couple of bad ones with this. Yeah, that's it. It's kind of like how like when Tim Robinson did, I think you should leave. We just saw like a bunch of bad. I think you should leave sketches after. But it's fine. You can't resent who did it right because others did it wrong. Speaking of, I think you should leave. Did you catch that Santa Claus had a yes, Biff with himself. What's what's his name? The actor's name is Biff with. Oh, my God. You can IMDB that baby. Well, that was that's actually just as a brief side note, when they were writing, they started writing this in 2010 or something and they were constantly sad and disappointed that the multiverse as a concept was getting into more and more movies. Thanks to Rick and Morty. Thanks to all the MCU crap. Thanks to Spider-Verse. And they kept being like, we got to get this damn movie finished. We're going to be so behind the ball on the multiverse. So this is kind of where we're at anyway. This is a really good early take on it. Actually, we've had I feel like multiverse stuff has actually gone pretty well. Like we haven't had a ton of like bad swings that I'm I mean, probably anything DC tries is going to be tough. You know, Ezra Miller beating up everybody in Hawaii. And so they're going to have to multiverse. Yeah, they can multiverse them right out. Multiverse them right out, Ali. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not a person of most people. There's a lot of memes of like there's a lot of memes of like Ezra Miller. Did you hear what Ezra Miller what he's been doing or something? They're like what they've been doing. It's like, sorry, they've been beating the shit out of women in Hawaii. Anyway, that'll probably get our Facebook views back up. All right. So hard pivot to Captain Wayne Baconator age or Agerton, Agerton. So pineapple on pizza or not? No. I got I got to say no to that. I'm sorry. I'm OK with it. Wait, did that happen in the movie? No, it's just we're just going through the down with it, man. In a different universe, you like I love it. If that makes you feel better. Pineapple and ketchup on a on a thick crust. A New York slice of just ass. Just that ass bread. OK, Emelina says that joy truly was the embodiment of chaos and also a gay icon. Yeah, fully. What a great performance. The costumes, the attitude, the best. I love it. I love when a woman's a villain. I just I feel like I've said that on this podcast before. I'll say it again. I just love a good I just love when a villain is a woman. I have no. She was a great she was a great villain. Another thing so much fun to that. I was worried about, especially with her big introduction as the evil one, was that she I was like, oh, no, she like going to full Jim Carrey. But she didn't like all of her like change in mannerisms and in inflection, all that stuff is so good and original and all her own. It was really, really good. And there was so much sadness in her face. Yeah, it was like acting truly like I kept around and give a look. And I'd be like, ah, like it made me like hurt. I kept yelling at the screen, why don't you smile, honey? Such a pretty girl shouldn't be so sad. There's the middle of the movie, the worst one yet. We're going to get demonetized on some platforms, but we're going to get the next monetized on others. Yeah, Facebook is going to lose this. We're about to make our first billion. Yeah. Well, I've been making billions from marketing this movie. I am an industry plant, after all. Jesse and I are way behind the trumpets. Shekal, what is CHACL? Why are our commenters so much smarter than we used to be? An individual chases after several women. OK, well, they're mine. They say I would rather I would say that rather than nihilism, this movie, this movie bases its extensualism and the absurdism of existing and having the autonomy of existing. It's a little bit too many words that are similar to me to quite parse through. I feel like I said something similar in a much stupider way, which is like that. The point is sort of like, you know, what's weird being alive? Yeah, yeah. I believe what the commenter is trying to say is imagine if whale fall from sky. Yeah, yeah. Because, yeah, I do think the ultimate point isn't you're right. Nothing matters. We should be nihilists. Nihilism is the correct way to go. You know what I mean? Like, I do think it like it is more absurd than that, where it's just sort of. Yeah, you could be a rock. Maybe you are. I don't know, dude. Like it stares that it stares that most depressing like conclusion rate in the face and kind of lets you live in it for a minute. Like actually, joy does fall into the bagel, into the nothingness for a moment. And you're like, oh, shit, I guess the nothing wins. And then her mom pulls her out. But but yeah, you're right. It's like they show you that conclusion to kind of scare you and to be like, oh, no, maybe nothing matters. And then they go on to explain, oh, kindness matters. Yeah. David Taylor says the googly eyes are a representation of Weyman's ability to see the wonder and whimsy of the world. It's an inverse of his daughter's nihilism, even a color theme, a googly eye is an inverse, which is exactly what I was saying. What I was saying. I think that actually is that's good, too. It's a little bit like the what who was it? Was it Leonardo da Vinci or whatever that didn't didn't cut statues out of stone? He like he found them, let them reveal them, cut everything that wasn't them. Maybe it's a little bit of that, too, where it's like everything looks crappy. But I see the googly eyes. I just want to show you all the googly eyes. Maybe something like that. If a man ever tells you to let them show you their googly eyes, I would not go with them. But if a but if a woman says to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, you're in. You did it, though. I definitely agree with that. But I still maintain that there's something about humanizing people and things going overboard and just like assuming there's some humanity in everything. Yeah, yeah. It makes what you do to those things less weird. Lit Crit said that that stupidly laughing guy at your at your showing, yeah, both directors. That would be fun. They were just you guys seeing this. They were loving it. I would rather have a stupidly laughing guy than the guy that I had when I went to go see the Batman who was like solving the mystery for us as it was happening on screen. I would 100 percent take a bad laugh. Yo, those hot dog fingers. That's from a different universe than our current one. Well, I would have I would have lost my mind. You notice that monkey? He got hot dog fingers. He's the first hot dog finger monkey. Oh, one thing that I will say on the inverse of that is that like something I thought was like truly spectacular about this movie that I do think is a reason why people should endeavor to see it in theaters if you feel comfortable with it. You know, all the usual caveats of the fact that we live in a plague. I know. Right. But if you do feel comfortable or if you can go see it on like a Tuesday afternoon, one o'clock, what's not too busy or whatever is like there are moments of this movie where everybody is sitting in absolute silence and then everybody starts laughing at the exact same time. And it's like that unbelievable feeling of like camaraderie. I haven't had that in a theater. I haven't had that in a theater in a while. Yeah, I'm going to say my favorite movie I've seen in theaters before this one was Into the Spider-Verse. Weirdly, both multiverse movies. I don't know. I don't think that they have any that that's part of why I like them both so much. I just both think they're like incredible character pieces and they're like funny and I love them. And even that movie, which I adored and saw five times. Um, inevitably had a couple of moments with just like kids or families or just like things that like sort of puncture the movie making magic. And this was like one of the only times I can remember seeing a movie in theaters with people who were all just like like so locked in. Yeah. And it was really inspiring. I like when the movie ended the first time we saw it, I went to go see it with friends. It cut to the title card. The title card does this cool thing where like we up and then the credits rolled and we sat and we watched the entirety of the credits in silence. Just kind of hoping the movie wasn't over yet because like not like wanting to give it up yet and be like, OK, I guess we go home now. And like I got that sense from like everybody. We were all kind of like slowly walking out of the theater and sort of like looking around like. There was just like sort of like a feeling of like, oh, no, I don't really want the bubble to be burst yet. Yeah. It's so nice. It's a new relationship. Yeah, I totally felt that. Yeah, I'm definitely going to go watch it after this. I haven't seen it. You're doing a really good job guessing what happened. OK, good. Yeah, yeah. I'm just I'm really good at guessing plots. I when I left, I had to actually rush out. I thought for whatever reason I had to go home before I did because there was going to be an interview. No, I got to take a peek. But what was interesting is on the way. This has nothing to do with anything, but we're an hour in. There were lights from the prison, I guess, that's near. I didn't know there's one near our house, but in case I ever don't show up to a podcast because an inmate killed me. There were like lights flashing in the sky that seemed to be traveling with me. And I was like, I guess aliens are real. This has been the weirdest night of my life. I love a great film. I I had that experience. I had that experience after seeing, shoot, I forget what it might have been like Independence Day or something when I was a kid at the theater. It was the first time I noticed like one of those like big like four lights like flashing in the sky. Yeah, sort of grand opening or whatever. But they look like they're circling. And yeah, yeah, I would. But it was very it was scary for me as a child, having just watched aliens. That actually happened to me after I watched Blank Man. And I noticed that Blank Man was following me home. That was the first time you noticed out. There was there was a way in every time you turn. That was the first time you knew that there were other ethnicities than your own. You're like, you're this is that that's some that's some Bible belt stuff. Ali grew up here in the big city. Yeah, I can't I crawled out of a subway. Great. That's where I sleep at night. I'm not going to dig into. It doesn't matter. I'd love to see Ali's blank cave in the subway. Yeah. Emelina, again, says, do you think that Evelyn in the laundromat universe is also queer slash LGBT? I can see how she internally struggles with her sexuality as much as her undiagnosed ADHD. When we're saying the laundromat universe, we're talking about like, quote unquote, real life. Yeah. Alpha or beta or whatever. Well, I guess it's not it's not you have those yet. I don't think I mean, I don't think that's necessary to her character because her daughter already is that and she already obviously has that propensity in another multiverse. I don't I don't know that that adds to the reading. Yeah, I'm really thinking about it. I it's just tough because like I think not to get too deep. I think that like when you have a lot of generational or situational things to work through, you don't it takes a lot longer to know who you really are deep down because you have like so much to parse. That's like, is this me or is this a reaction or are my reactions me? Do you know what I mean? And so, like, I feel like something like that would be so under so many layers of who she is at this point. And I don't know if that's something she's ever thought about. And I think regardless, she seems to truly love her husband. So I don't like get the sense that that's false or something. And also, biologically, you can't love men and women. It's I mean, they said it, they say it in the book that Jesse wrote that he keeps trying to sell me. Oh, you wrote the Bible. Send you a free copy. Yeah, he's trying to send me a free copy. Old man. But I do think that they probably would have been more explicit about it if that was a trait of her in the laundromat universe. Well, especially because it exists elsewhere. So it's I just I don't necessarily see what that would add if it were the case. Sure. She's Dumbledore. She's secretly gay. So let's please please don't make us do that movie. I'll have to be absent that day. I saw the first one and I liked it. Didn't see the second one. I have no interest in seeing the third one. OK, good. I didn't even know there was already three. That's too many. Yeah, he he's he's getting it. All right, so let's do titles. Oh, my God, it already popped up. Ryan. Wow. He's on the frickin ball. All right, here are my titles. This is all I got because I couldn't think of anything because I think it's perfectly named. Turn down for bagel question. And smile more, honey, based on what Jesse yelled at the screen 17 times. And it's definitely spelled H-U-N-N-Y. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, my boy, hey. All right, Ali, what do you got, if anything? Um, I mean, again, it is genuinely perfectly titled. I wrote down Big Nose because I really enjoyed that. I also wrote down In Another Universe. I am one of Lisa Vanderpump's dogs. That's just something I think is true. OK, that wasn't a reference for you guys. Somebody out there will really love that. But I do think that in another world, if we pop out far enough on like a rich woman's little dog, that she's like dyed pink, just like a little ratty looking thing. Human alley head. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then another title that I wrote down, which I realized was more just a joke for myself, was something that I kept reminiscing on after seeing this movie was I have a memory of my mom that I like I'm obsessed with where we were playing heads up. And it was like, you know, whatever the category is, like icons, stars and characters or whatever. And we were like, Mom, this is like kind of pop culture based. Are you sure you want to play? And she was like, of course, like what do you guys are? You kids underestimate me whenever first thing that comes up, she puts it, I put it on my head and she's looking at me and the thing is Shrek and she goes, OK, he's blue. That's such a cool moment. That's what I was saying. Like after the after seeing the raccoon anything and then being like, Mom, Ratatouille, and she's like, no, there was a movie and there's a raccoon on his head. It's obviously got called that. I like texted like all my cousins and my brother and was like, this has major, OK, he's blue vibes. So for me, it's I don't know if he's OK, he's blue. Interestingly, in no universe is there a version of Shrek where he's blue. Yeah, it's not not blue. No, the science, the science isn't there yet. Computers couldn't make it happen. That's how they broke Jobu Tafaki's brain. They were trying to find a universe where Shrek does he's like, does it even matter? Does anything matter of Shrek matters every color but blue? No, keep searching. I'm going to I'm going to find a way to kill myself. OK. Your go, Jesse. We got OK. I've got the story of a girl. That was the song I was playing repeatedly. Daughter of the mask. Existential dread, exclamation point at the multiverse. Yeah, we're back, baby. Why is that the one that we keep doing? I don't understand. Well, OK, just for this is fanservice. What's your favorite album of theirs? She's in love with Jamie Lee Curtis at certain points. Yeah, well, but still, I think she is. The playlist is infinite universes. Very long. It's a very, very long playlist. No, it's definitely infinite. Like everything is, you know, there are infinite universes where Shrek is purple. Yeah, right. God, don't don't tease me with a good time. All right. Any any other ones or can we go to the here? Here we go. Last one. Biff Wiff and the hot dog gang. Yeah. It seems fun. Biff Wiff? He's our guy. Um. OK, we've got everything bagels and laundromats. Mm hmm. Too much undirected constantly. Wow. OK, that's great. That's fine. Twinkle toes. Um, you will cry at a rock falling down a hill. Yeah, you you will. That's pretty good. Oh, I just made it pop up. Oh, my God, I'm dragging people. Oh, my God. What do you do? Oh, this is my podcast now. Whoa. All right. Laundry and I do that now. Oh, this is just more of an observation. Happy Place says laundry and taxes is an alt universe version of Netflix and chill. Yeah, that's an adult version of Netflix and chill. We we subscribe to HBO Max like adults, and then we do our taxes and laundry and shit. Movie title, you are fine. Just do your best. Fantastic feats and where to find them. OK, really good. We're back. Yeah, I think that's pretty much it. So let's wrap this up. So I'll say my things and then we'll say your things. We're live streaming every Monday at one p.m., although I think we are going to move to Thursdays at some point, but we'll figure that out next week. Ali is gone again because she knows nothing about loyalty or commitment. Oh, I forgot. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be there. It's fine. It doesn't. Who cares? And then you got it under control. Yeah, you can subscribe to Cracked Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, I guess we show up on Twitter and Facebook now if you want to do those things. And remember that we are also newsletter. Yeah, where we do all kinds of stuff at crack.com slash Movie Club. You can find me at the J underscore whatever you could see it on the screen. But if you're just listening, I guess the underscore J underscore reading, Ali, you can find me at Miss Alice Nutting M.S.A.L.I.C.E. And you T.T.I.N.G. I'm sorry that I won't be here next week. I'm directing Little Kids in their show. Also, there was only one plot hole listed on IMDB. I will read it to you now. The planet where Evelyn and Joy are rocks is described as one where life never developed. But blades of grass are visible in some shots. Forty two out of sixty seven found this interesting. Well, what's going on with this? Got a money or whatever. Oh, I'm like fascinated by the stats on that one. I don't think so. I'm actually not interested in this or find it helpful. Just one plot. Oh, that's it. Wow. Good work, guys. Where do we find you? You're going to find me on Twitter at Isman E.I.S.E. M.A.N.N. Excellent. And that's it. We've done it. We've streamed the live everywhere. So go watch this movie before it because I want them to make more movies. Like, well, I want these directors to make more movies, but I also want. Oh, Brian also asked. Rank this Swiss Army man and the death of Dick Long. Have you seen the death of Dick Long? I didn't even know it was a thing. I'm googling it now. I didn't even know he was dead. Sounds like a sec. Um, I haven't seen that either. So I will say this is better than Swiss Army man. But Swiss Army man is also worth watching because Swiss Army man is great. And it is great. We should probably just end the park. Yeah, that's the movie. Good bye, everyone. Yeah, I'm hitting the button. Hit the button.
cracked	stop_parodying_cee_lo_s_f_k_you_an_open_request_to_idiots	Do you think turning my song to a parody is that a body? Not just because you like it doesn't necessarily mean it It needs to be a fucking parody Or you may think you're winning, but I think you're real shitty Stop, don't change my words Although I don't got a bed, I still wish you would quit Cause it's okay to trust and enjoy the song I'm in a tizzy, cause when I was a baby I think he's clever, and wish he'd endeavor And I'm making it on the fuck with you Yes, books are low, so I think I'm my soldier Phew, here's what I like to do, so I hear you're turning my song into a parody Called a duck-a-boo Phew, here's my truck on a bed But I wish you would quit, yeah Fuck you and I just suppose I don't wanna hear it With different lyrics You may think I'm crazy, but I think I'm that lazy I still guess I'd rather You just ended your fucking song I'll show you one of those exciting songs Singing You better have to think You recognize this tune, yeah Loud And you don't change no more I'll do the song But I'm still in distress, yeah Fuck this man, suck my dick, yeah
SaturdayNightLive	jeff_gordon_monologue_saturday_night_live	Ladies and gentlemen, Chef Gordon. So excited to be here in New York hosting Saturday Night Live. ordinarily, when I work, I'm wearing a fire-retardant suit, going 200 miles per hour in a tin can, filled with explosive liquids. every time I get in the car, there's a chance I could crash and burn in front of millions of people. So I guess I am prepared for this show. Woo! woo! He's loving you, Jeff! he's loving you, Jeff! he's loving you, Jeff! he's loving you, Jeff! he's loving you, Jeff! Hey, all right. it's nice to see some Nascar fans. And drop the hammer, Jeff! Yeah, Jeff, open her up, Dawg! floor it! floor it! Well, at least you're enthusiastic. I'll give you that. Hey, thanks for showing up. And, you know, sometimes from down to track. part suspension independent. rack and pinion steering. wheels 16 inches. Goodyear Eagle Speedway Radials 28 by 12 by 15. she's memorized your car's chassis specs. Who needs a Ged, right? Woo! Great, great. Anyway, sometimes before a race, you know, I'm- Hey, Jeff, Jeff! this is the smallest track I've ever seen! you're joking, right? I'm, I mean, this is a television show. there's no track, no cars. Hey, Jeff, where's your car at? No. no car, just comedy. comedy real fast and in a circle. You know what? you can't possibly go to a Nascar event and act like that. No way. how do you know? Because a real Nascar fan would have killed you by now. Hey! come on, man. All right. Well, hey, tell me your names. Bubba. Bub. come on! What are you doing? Ellie Jean. Lucky Joe. Sadie Mae. Jimmy Joe. Johnny Joe. All right. Who are you guys really? Okay. okay. I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon. we're not really Bubba and Bucky Joe, Jr. we're Harvey and Judith Weinstock, and we're from right here in Manhattan. we've waited four years for tickets to Saturday Night Live, and when we found out you were the host, we just wanted to make the best of it. The thing is, well, we've really come to love Nascar. Every Sunday, we'd listen to Npr, do the New York Times crossword puzzle, and then hunker down for three solid hours of gritty Nascar fun. I think the only thing I like better than doing the crossword puzzle is actually finishing it and then watching Nascar. We've never been to an actual Nascar event. we thought this behavior was appropriate, but obviously it wasn't, and for that, we're very sorry. Hey, hey, that's all right. You know, I tell you what, my next race, why don't you guys come down? I'll let you sit in the pit. Really? I love you, Jeff Gordon! But you've got to remember, if you act like that, you're roadkill. Oh, right. sorry. Okay. all right. Well, hey, we've got a great show. Avril Lavigne is here.
dropout	can_you_tell_a_cocktail_from_a_wrestling_move	Welcome, everyone, to Cocktail vs. Wrestling Move! Our contestants will be given two very similar options. If they choose correctly and choose the cocktail, they'll be rewarded with a delicious mixed drink. If they choose incorrectly and choose the wrestling move, they'll have said move performed on them by this very scary man! Are you confused? You should be! Let's get started! Our first contestant is Emily Axe. Hey, Emily. This drink before you, is that a Samoan Spike or an African Lullaby? Oh, shit, I don't know either. I think this move is pretty dangerous, whichever one it is. You're really going to send your fiance to get a dangerous move done on her by that man? Can I phone a friend? We can phone the hospital if he feels good. But Adam Smasher, I don't know, I feel like is almost too obviously like a wrestling move name, so that's what I think the drink is going to be called. Oh, Adam Smasher. That is wrong! Okay, Sam, is this a catatonic or a paralyzer? Both sound equally delicious and dangerous. I'll go ahead and take that paralyzer right there. That is correct. You're pushing your life. This wasn't really real until now. Is this an Alabama Slammer or an Alabama Slam? So the wrestler who came up with the move is presumably from Alabama? That information doesn't help me. I'm going to say Alabama Slammer. Is the drink. Yeah. You got it. Sweet relief. Sam, is this a muscle buster or a cyclone attack? Fuck you. I'm going to say that this is a cyclone attack. You're correct. But since Sam showed up late, he gets a bonus round. You know the answer to this one. I absolutely can. It's my game. You would know the answer to this if you had respect for your employees and you showed up at the same time. So these guys already know. Yes, everyone knows. Which one is the drink? The F-104 or the F-5? Those are so similar. They both have F in them. And numbers. F-5 is the drink. That is wrong. It's over. Click on my popping pics to subscribe. I'm going to say that this is a cyclone attack. You're correct. But since Sam showed up late, he gets a bonus round. You know the answer to this one. You can't just make up the rules. I absolutely can. It's my game. You would know the answer to this if you had respect for your employees and you showed up at the same time. So these guys already know. Yes, everyone knows. Which one is the drink? The F-104 or the F-5? Those are so similar. They both have F in them. And numbers. F-5 is the drink. That is wrong. It's over.
TheOnion	Behind_The_Pen_Nanny_State_Ninny_State	Your cartoon for this week is called Nanny State, Nanny State, okay? We got a nanny state in this country, state that coddles people. It's turning our young boys into nannies instead of men. Now here's this naive parent taking a young son to the Big Brothers organization, okay? And you can see there, I write innocent kids, naive parents, so you get a clue as to who those people are. She doesn't have a care in the world, see? And look what she says to him, she says, Junior, this group is gonna provide you a role model. He needs to go to this Big Brothers organization and find some kind of substitute father, some kind of mentor, somebody, some volunteer, who knows what, is gonna take him around by the hand, tell him what to do in his life, okay? Let me tell you something, I didn't win the Thorsburg Bronze Quill Award for Excellence in Cartooning by having some kind of substitute father figure, okay? This kid, he's not gonna learn independence, he's not gonna learn to take care of himself, he's gonna grow up needing people. His heart is soft, a kid's heart ought to be calloused, it ought to be weathered. Let's say he falls on the sidewalk on his way to the Big Brothers, what's he gonna do? He's gonna cry, his mommy's gonna say, oh poor baby, you cry, he gets a bloody nose. Now I'll tell you about my son, now we don't talk anymore, but my son, when he was five years old, he fell and he broke his nose on the sidewalk. And I'll tell you, I didn't talk to him for five hours, okay? I let him bleed, because that's what the boy needs to do to learn how to become a man. You bleed and you suck it up, you tough it out, okay? You cry it out, you don't need somebody coddling you and stroking your little head like you're a little baby, no, sink or swim, that's how you grow up, okay? Otherwise, whenever you need help, you're gonna say, oh somebody help me, where's my friend, where's my family? That's not how you get along in the world today, you're on your own, okay? Nobody's out there gonna help you, nobody's gonna stand up for you, nobody's gonna stick up for you, you're all on your own. It's a cold, cruel world out there, and nobody's gonna take care of you but you. That's the hard lesson you gotta learn. The Grim Reaper's gonna mentor that boy, see? He's gonna take care of that boy, and you see that, I draw a little blood on the side, and that's the boy's blood. That Grim Reaper has cut into that boy's belly and cut him open, because he's as good as dead with the skills he's getting from the big brothers. I'd like to end this video on a positive note, okay? Kids, you need a role model, you send me your letters, carry this newspaper, okay? Send your letters to Stan Kelly, I read every letter, every letter that comes to me, I read every word, okay? Send me your letters, I'd like to get some letters.
dropout	bleep_bloop_gambling_on_smash_bros_	I am Jeff here with Amir and Pat. Today we were going to play Smash Bros. Brawl, but we were feeling lazy, so instead we are going to let the computer play itself and gamble on the results. Can we do a randomly selected and then bet on who we get? Sure. So I'll do a random player, and I'll bet $50,000 that he'll have an even amount of letters in his name. I'll take that bet. I'll bet anything. I will bet that my character... I'll give you two to one odds that he doesn't start with a bell. Two to one odds that he doesn't start... Wait, does Yoshi count? Yoshi is a push. I'm hoping for an even. You're hoping for an odd. I bet it'll be Olimar. If it's Olimar, I'm going to hang myself. I've said that so many times when choosing a random character in Smash Bros. No! That was incredible. Give me $125,000. No, no, no, real money, not chips. What are you talking about? Meanwhile, in the main action, I've got Meta Knight. You've got Ike. Pat's got Olimar. $100,000 on who's got the most points, knockouts. I'm not sure how a winner is defined behind it. But the game allows. What is that? Who is that guy? He's from Pikmin. He's a winner. That's what you need to know, all right? He's a goddamn winner. So anybody could follow up this point. Oh, that's a con. Come on, get back up there. 129%. That's not mathematically possible. This is a con. Hey, Jeff, I don't know. Maybe Meta Knight goes down in the third, you know? Who gets the flashing ball? $100,000 on it. All right, $100,000 on the flashing ball. It's Olimar. Thank you. You didn't agree to it. I don't know. That's it, baby. Give me the $100,000. And just like that, I was back in the game, all in. Ike. That's you. No, it's you. Oh, great. That's how much I know. So you get those. All right, let's play. $200 on the next match. That would make it interesting and do something else. Is it all about knockouts? Is it Olimar about knockouts? Flashing ball. Who gets it? $100,000 on the flashing ball. $100,000. We have to cut it in. In. We got Bowser. That's me. Wow, he's an enormous lizard. The chips were on the table. The chips, according to... That's a mop. Mochins. You can mop your chips. Stop it. Mochins' sudden house rules dictate that the chip has to be vertical on the table. Well, those are cracked. I want to be moving my black. Uh-oh. Now you got to get yourself into a pickle there. Mow. That's it. Three. Bowser. Donkey Kong. I needed that. The power. It's better than a drug. Any sexy whore. This is it. This is what I want to inject into my veins. Let's get big here. Let's go half a million. I'll go half a million on the winner of the next match. All right. I'm due, so. I want to pick Peach, because I think it'd be fun. But I'm like, does she even stand a chance here? And I shouldn't be thinking that way. I'm sure the characters are relatively balanced. Maybe the game will overcompensate for the fact that she's a lady and want her to win. I'm taking Yoshi. God, Pikachu. So how did you get up to 74 in less than 15 seconds? I don't know. Oh, no. Oh, my God. It's a sort of a wrap. A wrap Pikachu is never good on the slop. Never good on Pikachu on the slice. It's a sort of a racking monster seems to have wandered on and made it. All bets are off. Giant ice spider on the floor. Giant ice spider on the court. There's that pill up there. That pill up there. It's the first person to get it. 50 on the pill. 50 on the first person to get it? Yeah. The only one person is going to get it. That pill up there. 50 on the pill. All right. 50 on the pill. How far is this going? In the door. There's no smashes out there. Oh, come on Pikachu. Oh, I don't even know what I'm looking for. I think Pikachu got the pill. All right, all right. I'm going to 50,000. Hold on, hold on, hold on. We got to see if he gets his ball. Ice climber is my time. It's Pikachu. Holy shit. He's back in the game. Woo. I'm going to ride this. Ah, ah, ah. I feel like, I feel like cockroaches come over like, hey. Are you guys better than that? Yeah, yes. Pikachu. Hey, do me a favor. Put me a Bacardi instead of that.
dropout	Breaking_Up_with_Snapchat	So listen, um, we've been together for a while now, but I don't think it's working. What? I'm sorry, Snapchat. I think we should break up. You're a pig. Who is she? Oh, who says there's anyone else? I know you. You hop from app to app, and then you get bored and it gets old. What am I, old now? No. Is that it? You have some hot, young thing to replace me? No. Like, I replace Twitter. No. Yes. I... Her name is TikTok, but that is not why. How old is she? I don't think that matters. How old? Three. Unbelievable. Don't put this all on me. You've changed. You used to be fun and flirty. Nudes. Nudes for days. Is that what you want? I want a long-term relationship. Oh, why? So we can wind up stuck together and miserable like Janie and Facebook? I got a new kind of money. Shut up! I hate you! I should have left you years ago! Oh, you'll never leave me! You'll never leave because you're a coward! See? You're just afraid of commitment. I just want things to be how they were. Every conversation we had was just mindless. You had a filter that made my face look like a dog. Now you just take up so much space. You are obsessed with brands. You use up all my hard-earned data. I need it for my original programming! I didn't ask for that. Nobody asked for that. You don't understand me. I don't. You are aggressively hard to understand. Have I ever ago? Hey, babe. Um, give me a second. Okay. Oh, okay. You know what? Go have your fun. And you. You better watch out, because three or four years down the road, he'll get bored of you too, okay? And this jerk will find some new app to use and discard. I already made my mistakes, but you don't have to. Get out while you still can! I'm sorry, who are you? Snoop Chute? Could you just leave us alone, okay? Me and Grant are in love. Goodbye! That's right, babe. Ready to go? Yeah! You know, I've been thinking about opening up my own little store, a TikTok marketplace. What do you think? Hey, it's Mike Trapp. If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of adding guac to two burritos, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord, and get exclusive content like WTF 101. In the ocean, there's guac. Sign up for your free trial today, and learn why critics are saying, who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout? Get out. I'm calling the cops.
cracked	why_they_don_t_want_evolution_taught_in_schools_marvels_of_the_science_episode_3	Our world is full of being in many worlds, from the majestic oceans of our glorious moon, to bacteria, and vegetables. I'm Professor Scott Bug, and today I will explore the world's changing power of evolutions on my marvels of the science. Now, I'm here at what used to be ancient Mesopotamia, and what is currently current Mesopotamia. And here, as we see, we've got these drawings that humans used to draw on these rocky rocks. And here we have our suns, and here is a drawing of a human person. Now this is actual size, because as we all know, humans used to be just really super tiny. And now we're super big, comparatively, because thanks to evolution, a small thing will become a big thing. And it only took, thanks to evolution, like a year. Look at you. Years and years and tens of years ago, our ancestors were at this creek in some woods, washing themselves in the water. But they're no longer here, so moving on. Now, evolution works in many different ways. Sand evolves into glass, day can evolve into night, mountains can evolve into earths, suns evolve into big earths. But perhaps the most fascinating way evolution works is the evolution of the scorpion. The scorpion in the desert will die, and upon that, another one will die. One after the other, scorpions die on top of each other and get compressed because of pressure from the earth and become a truly terrifying cactus. This leaf will soon evolve into a tree. And these tadpoles, one day, will finally complete their journey and become a giant, big, just big, great, big whale. This dog can one day evolve into a vicious pack of timber wolves. And we can't have that. Evolution is a powerful and dangerous thing. It can happen in an instant, and we must be diligent in the fight against it, lest we one day suddenly become so big we fall through the earth. Or maybe, you know, dunno. And that's why evolution and evolution are two of my marvels of the science. Ooh, I'm cracked.com for Michael Swain doing my classic Michael movements. Come and subscribe to our channel for jokes upon jokes upon jokes and japes and jokes. Swain out!
SaturdayNightLive	the_stuttering_drill_sergeant_snl	Yes, Sir! Texas, You getting all this? Absolutely, Sir. I want a simple yes, sir, or no, Sir. do you understand that Private? Yes, Sir. Do I stutter? No, Sir. let me tell you a little story. in my last platoon, I didn't like how one private responded to my questions, so I broke his arm and I sent him home. am I making myself clear, Texas? Yes, Sir. Do I stutter? No, Sir! let me tell you another story. when I was in grade school, I had a terrible stutter. I was harassed, and I was bullied every day. I did years of speech therapy, but no therapist promises fluency, merely improvement. Monroe! You able to follow my little story? Yes, Sir! Do I stutter? No, Sir! And you would feel comfortable telling me if I did, despite our vastly different status? Yes, Sir! If I made it abundantly clear to you ladies that I'm asking for honesty here? Yes, Sir! And you're saying I don't stutter, right? No, sir! Yes, sir! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, which one do you say? Yes, Sir? step forward. you're saying I do stutter, Richards? Sir, I was saying yes, you don't stutter, Sir. the question was worded in such a way that it was hard to tell if yes or no was the correct answer. the correct answer is the honest one,: you, Meghan! How about you, Monroe? do you agree with Richards? Was the question confusing? Uh. do I stutter? a little bit that time. that wasn't stuttering, Monroe! I was deciding between words. can you tell the difference? Yes, sir. my mistake, Sir. Stand down. you sissies are the worst unit I've ever seen. Wilkins, Fix that collar. Haven't you ever learned how to. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. How to. Dr. Haven't you ever learned how to dress yourself? haven't you ever learned how to dress yourself? Dress yourself up. Yes, I have, and I apologize. this is not a musical, Wilkins! we are Not friends! that goes for all of you! I am not your. There's no pressure, sir. What? what? I'm sorry. I didn't forget you, that howl. why don't you say that again? Nothing, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't ask for an apology, Private. I told you to repeat it. is that clear? Yes, sir. do what? stutter! I mean, you just. you. you. you. you don't want the stuttering, Private. huh? yeah. maybe I'm not the one with the. maybe I'm not the one with the speech thing, Private. you other maggots agree that howl is the one with the problem? Yes, sir! Repeat after me. My Sergeant does Not. stutter! My Sergeant does not. Oh, without the stutter! Now, Private, give me. drop it, people!
dropout	hair_styles_for_llamas_drawfee_show	Welcome to the Drawfee show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan today guys We are dipping back into the wonderful world of the animal kingdom. The animal kingdom. We can never stay out we're combining our two loves which is animals and You know cosmetics I say oh definitely and if you're not watching Drawfee definitely check out our our makeup tutorials Mm-hmm, they're they're hot. They're fresh. They'll get you some some flirty looks for deep winter That's gonna be just like Things that you can do to really just turn people off from you so that you can go back inside What that is is it's gonna be like painting eyes on your eyelids so that it looks like you're paying attention And then just kind of like just bags you can wear on your head so that people don't got to talk to you No times. Oh, man, just tune into our channel youtube.com for that I've heard of her Trader Joe's bags are gonna be real big this season Canvas is making a comeback for sure fashion bags fashion headwear So today we're drawing suggestion from our pal. Hey, it's Jake. Hey, it's Jake who wanted llamas with fashionable Hair, I believe or the fat fabulous fabulous hair was the even better So that's what we're up to today. Nathan's gonna sketch out a quick llama and I'm I'm kind of the resident Hair expert on the show right? I just got I can't get enough of the stuff Love hair love using it love touching it love abusing it, and I'm gonna draw some fabulous haircuts I'm like a barber, but but my scissors are the canvas or the Wacom Cintiq in this instance So Nathan's getting us started here with this really Really sassy llama. I mean llamas are So sassy they really are they're like have you ever just like look this looks like kangaroo kind of llamas are like the horse's sassy cousin Oh, man, I've never and like Horses are great, but they're like a sassless creature. You're like God grace them with zero sass. Yeah, they're majestic As anything a majestic your majestic is F. They're majestic is all get out But like majestic don't mean nothing when it comes to the sass game sasquatch Very little sass actually well, you know llamas a lot of sass a lot of people don't know that see we're teaching We're teaching people That's what that was the quote that my um my middle school English teacher always used to say we come in you'd be like kids I'm teaching kids I'm the teacher and I didn't learn anything So this is God, this is a beautiful llama. Yeah It's gonna make this neck just a little bit puffier puff They have the puffiest necks their necks their necks are pretty puffy. These llamas are warm year-round They don't got to worry about no Little bit droopier. Yeah Well llamas always look like they had like a long night. There's like You ask them like, you know, what Shelby what were you up to last night and she's like you you couldn't even handle it You wouldn't you wouldn't get it didn't You're you're not you're not on my get on my level. Actually Shelby I like I mean I read the news there was it was entirely about a llama going to a club I like I know what you did. This is an intervention Shelby. You gotta You gotta stay out the clubs. So I think Caldwell wants to experiment with a few different hairstyles. Yeah, we've got we've got the The the Durskowitz triplets right here. That's true. You didn't know we got Shelby Helby and Dion yeah, oh You pulled it out. Oh man, you pulled it out in a pinch nailed it. Yep. Shelby Helby and Dion. All right There you go, man. I'm gonna draw some hairstyles get some hairstyles. Can we get some fabulous hairstyles? Hi Welcome to Caldwell salon and here we go. I think that Shelby Shelby's kind of got I feel like I'm gonna give her like that that like kind of hipster chick look All this merge that merge that junk so that I can erase this beautiful you get some technical jargon going that was called a merger It's a business word that we have co-opted for our practices so we give her like some kind of cool Oh, that's like a millennial. Yeah, like Shelby and I'm gonna give her like a little phone that she's on over here. Oh sure So we can't get enough Shelby's on the snapchat. Uh-huh. Shelby's on. She was on the yo app She cannot get enough of yo, she's the only one that knows how to use it Someone was talking about how did the yo app now they can they send you different things that you can send Things that aren't just the word yo, I think that like it'll like alert you it's like a it's like a Google Alert Thing now, this is texting. You know what it is. It's not just texting. It's a beeper. It's a goddamn beeper Oh, they invented beepers again guys. We're going backwards We're like we're reverting to next would be like hey I mean we've already sort of gone back to hieroglyphics with emojis what they're doing is they're like counting on the fact that like nobody in that industry wants to like If nobody wants to be a naysayer and be like this is stupid because then like that'll make you look like you're old and Don't know what you're talking about But like it's stupid. It's not good make an app for that called the no app. Just no. Yeah, it just sends no Just send the word. Yeah, no, no. No. Oh That's I would I would buy that out. I know yeah And it just send it to people every so often is it like a note It's like a button that you can press a button you press and it goes to it goes to your contacts Yeah, and it just lets them know. Mm-hmm. No that what they're doing is bad is bad and they should be a shit I think like for like an extra 25 cents you could get like, you know additional sound bites So it's like no and like you should be ashamed and it's like I talked to your dad and he's not proud of you Got it. Got it. Put microtransactions in. Yeah, I feel like this would be the thing is the tricky thing You would have to like override your phones like sound capabilities Sure, so that it could like use your volume at any time Because you know, I keep my phone on vibrate But you would want this thing to be able to just like you're at like, you know You're you know, you're at like a church camp out or like, you know a funeral or a movie theater You're one of the three places you visit and all of a sudden wait the church camp out. Yeah funeral movie theater. Yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think those are the only three place, you know our teens hang out You know, you know all the youths they go they go down to the local the local funeral You know like that popular like I mean like all of the Beatles songs were about all the Beach Boys all the Beatles songs They're all about funerals That's right. Yeah, it doesn't sound right. I don't know enough about music to correct you So this one that's that's what we got for Shelby. Shelby. Shelby looks fab Fantastic and fly. Mm-hmm. Hell be oh you you just drew a big vert for Bula. So this is like Shelby is hell be is rocking the this is a style known as the anime Lincoln So what this is? It's it's a giant It's like a top hat made of hair sure. Mm-hmm. This is gonna be very big amongst llamas And anime presidents in in 2015. So look out for that So what this is is just you can just kind of see it's just it's just hair It's kind of like chipped up there cuz that's how hair works. Yeah, right. Let's get some you got it You got those old dimples. Yeah, I'm here. Damn. Why are there more celebrity barbers? Yeah, that's that needs to be hair network like yeah, like Guy Fieri got famous Why can't like his barber? Why isn't his barber? Yeah, exactly Why is it guy Fieri should have definitely signed? Uh-huh, like a like some sort of deal Yeah. Oh, yeah, he'll be he'll be he's got to move help me. He's got his or her He's all punk rock, by the way. So Yeah Like that and maybe like one up here. I mean the they're clip-ons but sure, you know But they're clip-on no one needs to know that. I mean long years are very sensitive healthy wants gauges, but like healthy's dad won't let As long as you're living under my llama Long as you're living in my barn Do we live in a barn? I should really know like a terrace. Do we live on like a tenement like a Peruvian plantation No, I just saw that one that one bit from in person who groove and that's basically it I should know more about this being your llama and a dad, but I don't right David Spade Needs to learn to be nice. Yeah That was the original title of that movie I've got a great movie. You know what David spades an asshole No, is he I guess we're throwing David shade Welcome to our new podcast called David shades where we just rag on David spade for a full hour and a half I remember the show where he was on which just shoot me. I was gonna say SNL They still doing that show just shoot me no You're gonna have to you're gonna be more specific is it is SNL like it's like a just shoot me spin-off or what is that? Yeah, I think so. I mean he was does it take place characters. Yeah, I don't know if it's cannon Does it take place in the shoot me averse? Shootosphere Well, I mean, I guess it depends who you ask if it's if it's the expanded shootovers Yeah, where I wish I knew more about just shoot me and I could I could throw some real sweet Specifics in there. This one's just gonna I'm trying to think what to do for the last there was a there was the bad judge Yeah, lady is she is she on the shoot on the shoot means I think so and now she plays the bad judge on the hit on the hit show bad, huh? Man we could be I mean like if people watch the show in like a year It will seem like we're lying cuz all these shows will have been canceled But like we could be making these up and no one would no one would know that's a beautiful part about television This one's like so nice like red hair. Yeah Dion Dion's a little wild man Actually, you know what I'm gonna oh man. Yeah, it's gonna be like Yeah, Dion is not content with one hairstyle. Yeah, Dion is greedy What yeah, like fab fabulous hair is you know, one one hairstyle can be fabulous If you take more than one fabulous hairstyle, yeah, that's like that's like compounding the fab. Mm-hmm That's that's you you it's you're fabbing on a whole new level So I'm gonna just cut those off right there And then but also so then this is like a little like thick pompadour thick stumpy braids Yeah, and then I think also just like just a little bit back here. Oh, yeah, you get the wings little wings back there things gone Now this is this is like the new look that's what do you think? Dion's like morning routine like what time does do you want to wake up? He does not sleep Start preparing his hair for the next day on our game Cuz what you got a you got a blow-dry you got a bloat you better believe you got a blow-dry You got a blow-dry you got a blow-wet Which is the opposite of blow-dry. That's just where you hose down your head Also, we didn't Yeah, well cuz like you got to get all the old cuz it gets all crusty and gross Looks like a blow-dryer And he just oh, excuse me. It still makes the noise. Yeah Honey are you done in there? No, you can't do it. No, no, I'm blow-wetting I'm blow-wetting my hair blow it, please. Ah This is part of my routine. You knew this when we started this relationship So what it is, it's stiff like it's it's hot water, but it's like super hot water So like if you're in a shower it would scold your skin So it's like a it's like a squirt gun of an extremely hot water and that's how you get out the old braids Because you got to remake the braids every day. How hard do you think it is to braid hair with hooves very hard? That's why you have that's why you don't sleep. Yeah, exactly. No one else can use the bathroom That's why you don't sleep. And that's why Dion's hair game is so spectacularly on point That's why llamas look so tired all the time. It's true. Dion's even I'm gonna give him Dion's got them dark circles. Dion's got some dark circles. Dion is a party hound. I'll tell you that much And this is the thing is like yeah, like I imagine that like they're getting a lot of like money I'm a lot of scratch on the side. Give them all a little bit of that Yeah, they followed our makeup tutorial from earlier when I said that we said we say hey, you know add some sheen to your eyes Get some white out put it in your eyeballs Wow nice watery look. All right. Well, there's there's some fabulous Okay, keep going keep talking I Know I said, those are some fab hair llamas I was gonna be in my sentence. Mm-hmm. That was it. I didn't have I didn't have more man We reach for fab that was like it was gonna be like a conclusion like sort of a wrap-up Oh, is that a bow or is that a hair? styled to look like a bow I Think it's just a bow cuz I don't feel like drawing anymore of the numbers. Yeah, I don't feel like drawing a ton of fibers Wow, but there's a bow. Yeah, and it is What is Dion? What what isn't do? Ha Well put Dion is everything we hope to be Dion is everything and nothing at the same time We should all strive to be a little more have a little more Dion in our day So there's um, there's some fabulous llamas. Did you want to add anything? You think? No, I think I I couldn't Touch it. That's just you couldn't step to this hair game. Yeah, I drew one thing and then pasted it three times and I think it worked. I yeah, I think they all have slightly different. Oh, yeah. Yeah Dion is like it's amazing that Dion's able to have retained such color in his cheeks It's having such a little sleep. Uh-huh. Well, it's it's paint. Okay, we're gonna we gotta cut it off You're just gonna start making I'm embellished. I was just gonna like so pretty We're gonna turn it off and I'm gonna keep drawing like this is going in the National Gallery way too happy Thanks so much for watching guys we have our own channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee, please subscribe and We'll see you again soon Practice these hairstyles at home and send us pictures. We're very sorry. Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan Thank you guys for watching our video If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching We're sorry
dropout	ch_offline_intro_stony_remix	Step into my world, you are, you are fine Don't worry about a thing at all You are, you are fine Don't worry about a thing at all As time passes by, we'll be fine Don't worry about a thing at all As time passes by, we'll be fine Ow! Ow! What the hell is that?! Hey! Get him off of me! You sucked my dick! Ow! Ah! I'm gonna, I'm gonna come. Listen up, everybody! This is the guy that sucked my dick Sucked my dick Listen up, everybody! This is the guy that sucked my dick Sucked my dick No pen, please No pen, please No glass, I'm your least expired milk Absolutely, I have July 13th That's good, that's good 1991, even better Listen up, everybody! This is the guy that sucked my dick Sucked my dick Listen up, everybody! This is the guy that sucked my dick Oh, that's fucking gross Please, don't think, please My glass, I'm your least expired milk At least expired milk Not beating me up Not sucking me up I shit in the copier Even better Come on, man I'll suck your dick Ramming up your dick Ramming up your... Ah, that's funny Ah, that's hilarious! Meet me in the fuck pile Yeah! You saw it through me You rolled your eyes Mary Kate You said my name, man Cut it out Full house quote Full house quote You repeated what I said Well, I don't want anything to do with it, okay? No more of that, I... Free Caroline Free Caroline Free Caroline Free Caroline If it's anybody's pain If it's anybody's pain If it's anybody's pain If it's anybody's pain It's like it's been slightly true But I think there's still some life in it Asshole! How do you do? Holy shit! What do you say? How do you do? Holy shit! What do you say? How do you do? Holy shit, what do you say? How do you do, how do you do? Scoot closer, scoot closer, bring it in, bring it in. Good morning. This is a fire drill, and I am here to instruct you about proper fire safety procedure in this building. Now this line goes directly to the building fire marshal. That's me, in the event of a fire, do not use this phone. This is your fire, your fire. Don't drag me into this, I don't like fires. I'm scared of fires. Do not use this phone. This is your fire, your fire. Don't drag me into this, I don't like fires. I'm scared of fires. Whoo! Wow! Hit it, fuck! Now we'll dazzle! How'd that go? Parker! No one will ever believe you. Please go! Hey! Fucker this is! I'm better, I'm stronger, I'm Batman. No! He's your clothing, he's your catch on fire. What do you do? Hey, stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and wait. A-A-B-S, always be sprinting. Anyone who slows down, gets trampled. Anyone who slows down, they deserve it. The first thing you're gonna wanna do is file out, is file out, in a quick and orderly line. But you need to fight that instinct. Do not use this phone. This is your fire, your fire. Don't drag me into this, I don't like fires. I'm scared of fires. Do not use this phone. This is your fire, your fire. Don't drag me into this, I don't like fires. I'm scared of fires. No, if you see fire. But you do not hear it long. Do not tell anyone. If you see fire. But you do not hear it long. Do not tell anyone. Ugh, really do not like fire.
cracked	the_wedding_crashers_timeline_makes_no_sense	They seemingly have time to go to the ceremony at the church. Lord knows we need family now more than ever. Then cocktail hour. You better lock it up. Then the reception. And then Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn get invited back to the family's home, which they go to by boat. And it's still daytime, so they have time to play a little football. Crab cakes and football. That's what Marilyn does. And then they have another dinner. What? Why are you yelling at me? I'm sorry I'm getting loud. I'm getting mad again. The logistics of this would require the wedding to start at what, 5 a.m.? Tell me I'm wrong. I just want answers, really. Rachel McAdams and Owen Wilson finally meet. They seemingly have time to go to the ceremony at the church. Lord knows we need family now more than ever. Then cocktail hour. You better lock it up. Then the reception. And then Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn get invited back to the family's home, which they go to by boat. And it's still daytime, so they have time to play a little football. Crab cakes and football. That's what Marilyn does. And then they have another dinner. Why are you yelling at me? I'm sorry I'm getting loud. I'm getting mad again. The logistics of this would require the wedding to start at what, 5 a.m.? Tell me I'm wrong. I just want answers, really.
SaturdayNightLive	behind_the_sketch_pilates_snl	And, action. hey mamas, is this your first class? I just feel like Pilates is like the most terrifying genre of athleticism. you go in and it's like no one talks to each other, it's dark and it's cold. the horror element of the Pilates really speaks to me because it looks awful and like something I would never want to do. Today is my first day in the machine and I'm impressed by every man, woman, they, them who's ever done it. the scary part of Pilates is the how little you're doing and how hard it is. it was really fun trying to like create this neon horror world. I think the horror element was something that was taken care of by the lighting department. I know how scary it is to walk into a room full of cheery women telling you to make tiny circles and that is why we went with this bright, horrid peach for the host. I always find like the horror is the instructor. Kristen is an amazing person, but when she turned into that pilates instructor, I thought she was going to snap my leg in half. her character scares me a little bit. Sure.
dropout	the_rose_gold_iphone_is_not_gay	With the new iPhone 6S, Apple has added sleek new features and an array of colors, including rose gold. The reaction of our users has been louder than ever. We've listened and are pleased to announce the rose gold iPhone is not gay. The iPhone 6S is the most powerful and least gay smartphone on earth. It comes in a wide variety of other colors, including blowtorch, raw meat, and scraped knead. Do those sound like gay colors? Because they're not. Why does it matter if a phone seems gay or not? I mean, I'm gay and I can still do my job. Our new processor makes Apple Maps faster than ever, allowing you to easily find everything from strip clubs to a Hummer dealership to Adam Corolla's house. The 6S introduces 3D touch. Use it to zoom in on photos of Mila Kunis or edit pictures of that girl from the Blurred Lines video with ease. I thought the rose gold iPhone would be dope to have, but now I think it would be too gay for a man to have TBH, debating whether I should get the rose gold iPhone 6S or would that be gay? I thought we're not engaging these people. Our updated hands-free Siri allows you to activate her by voice. Hey Siri, where's the nearest... I don't know, bow and arrow store? I'm sorry. I'm unable to find that right now. Wow, she sounds hot. You know what? It's a pink phone. It's a pink phone, and if your sexuality can't handle that, get a fucking Android. I don't want your money. Have fun with your LG motherfuckers, cook out! The rose gold iPhone 6S. Do you guys watch Top Gear? It's like my favorite show. Why don't you have the rose gold iPhone? Oh, I'm a top. Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor.
dropout	lonely_condoms_condomned_part_3	So then the bartender says, Robber. Hey guys, Robbie just got off the phone. I heard him say something about a sorority party and to bring plenty of protection. Alright, listen up, pepiats. We got a possible code pink. Everybody get into position. Rusty, what are you doing? Get into position, man. Not anymore, Jimmy. It's time for this old piece of latex to unravel and call it quits. What are you talking about? I'm expired, kid. Young guys are much safer than me anyways. So I'm just gonna hide in a spot he'll never look. You know, behind the dental floss and clean underwear. Good, get out of here. It just increases my chances of getting picked. I just hope he knows how to put one of us on correctly when the time comes. Believe me, he's practiced. Oh, right. Sorry about that, Peter. Man, I'm so excited. You know, I wonder what it's like to actually get in the game. I've heard it's like scoring a touchdown, hitting a hole in one, and something about a train going into a tunnel. Oh, man, here he comes. Oh, I'm so excited. I could just burst. We do not say that word. Sorry, sorry. Here he comes. Shh, quiet, quiet. Looks like I'll be needing one of these tonight. I can't believe it. It's happening. There's so many people I'd like to thank. First, I'd like to thank my rapper for keeping me fresh. What's going on? Hello. Really? Guys' night out? An all-night video game marathon? I'm there. Maybe another night, little buddy. I'm not going to need you while I'm blasting mutant zombies all night. Bye. You okay there, buddy? Yeah, I'm fine. You know, if I wasn't made to protect that kid, I'd kick the crap out of him right now.
SaturdayNightLive	ted_kaczynski_s_class_reunion_snl	Edward Worthington. Oh, my God, James Mallory. you old dog. great to see you. Hey, have you seen Brian Kelly? no, I haven't. oh, he's right over there. Brian, come here. lead the way, Brian. Oh, good question, Brian. you have 10 minutes, Ted. Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this. a class reunion doesn't happen very often. And I tell you, it feels like I never left. Oh, my God, don't tell me. don't tell me. uh, uh, uh. no peeking. Take Kaczynski! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! where did they find you? Jimmy Mallory, you old little shark. how the hell are you? Not bad. So, uh, what have you been up to? I've been doing a lot of writing. yeah, really? you, uh, get anything published? yeah, one thing. yeah. so, uh, where have you been living now? I got this great little place up in the woods. it's real secluded and gives me a lot of times to tinker around with my hobbies. Oh, I remember your hobbies. hey, cut it out! you son of A. Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? No, you didn't. how you doing, fellas? hey, excuse me, boys. I think I'm gonna mingle. the ladies await. guess who? Oh, oh, oh. Ted Kaczynski! you heartbreaker! Guilty as charged. Come here. Oh, my God, you look fantastic! thank you. I feel good. yeah. you know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me. Oh, that's sweet. that's just great. hey, you know, do they still call you Casanova Kaczynski? no, actually, I got a different nickname these days. Oh, hey, hey, how's your brother doing? Well, to tell you the truth, we're not really getting along these days. hey, look, is that that old practical joke or George Graham? yeah, didn't he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with preparation? H? yeah, that's him. here he comes. Oh, my God, it's Ted Kaczynski, isn't it? Hey, Walter, Emily, look, it's Ted. hey, the whole gang's here. Hey, Eddie, what are you up to nowadays? Well, Ted, I'm an industrialist. no way, I'm an industrialist, too. Oh, me too. I, uh, chop down trees and build computers. what about you? I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean. Oh, that's fabulous. that's just great. You know, guys, we just got to keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before we leave, Okay? Hey, look, I got to go, guys. hey, Eddie, wait, wait. I brought you that package you sent me. I've been waiting to open it. Oh, you know what, George? that package is really a present for all you guys. Oh, hell no. Now, don't open it till I'm gone, because I'll get him, Barry, I'll call him. Tell you what, Ted, we'll at least read the card. Yeah, yeah, I'll, Okay, all right. I'm having the best time, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To all my chums from the class of 62, live from New York, it's Saturday night! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
ClickHole	progress_this_video_game_s_protagonist_is_a_deaf_woman	Hey everyone, you're watching Next Gen. Today I want to talk to you about a video game that is both super fun and making some real social progress in the world. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog, and it features Sega's first disabled protagonist, a deaf woman who proves that no disability should ever hold you back. Sonic is a multi-level adventure game where a beautiful blue-haired woman with total hearing loss must take down a powerful robot doctor. Along the way, she must avoid obstacles, collect rings, and defeat evil henchmen using only her four other senses. In Sonic, Sega designers decided to focus on all the amazing things that deaf people can do, not on what they can't. The woman can do anything from flips, to jumps, to rolling herself into a ball, and hurling herself at impending threats. She can even gain secret power-ups, including invincibility each time she collects 50 rings. But really, her perseverance is the ultimate bonus, because it proves that if you put your mind to something, you can achieve it. Just look at how she jumps higher and runs faster than her sidekick who can hear. Who says deaf women can't be powerful too? Now there are certain drawbacks to Sonic the Hedgehog. For instance, while the woman is strong and independent, her partner really doesn't do all that much, and often just follows her around and gets in the way. Also, the woman is very slow underwater, and that sometimes makes gameplay needlessly stressful. But despite the negatives, this is the first time many deaf players will see themselves portrayed with supersonic abilities, or be able to watch themselves drown, and that's really special. Check out this level where the woman pilots an airplane. Sega designers clearly consulted members of the deaf community while making this, and we're more than a little stoked that this character is starting a larger conversation about gender, disability, and inclusivity. So go out and buy a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog today. Let's show video game designers that it pays to take a chance and add diversity to their games.
TheOnion	Red_Roof_Inn_Announces_New_Suicidal_Suite	In a new effort to serve a wider range of customers, the Red Roof Inn is debuting its brand new suicidal suite, a hotel room designed to accommodate guests looking for a convenient and affordable way to end their own lives. The Onion spoke to Red Roof Inn hospitality director Marsha Connolly for a first look at the National Hotel Chain's exciting new rooms. We wanted to provide an option for anyone looking to finally put an end to it all. These specialized suites are absolutely perfect for guests who've decided that nothing in this world really matters anymore and they just want a way out. Connolly took reporters on a tour of the new suites, which cater to anyone seeking a quick death. We have a noose hanging from the ceiling, that's standard in all of our rooms, a collection of sharp knives conveniently spread out just on your bed, and a pen and paper for composing final thoughts for loved ones. Additionally, if you check the bedside table, you'll find a 9mm pistol loaded with one bullet. We understand that some of our guests may feel more comfortable drawing a nice warm bath and slicing open their wrists, so we've got a small set of razor blades in every bathroom. We also have a variety of prescription pill medications and we always keep a high-voltage toaster by the bathtub in case any of our guests should prefer electrocution. And of course, Red Roof Inn employees are always available to help, should our customers need assistance with their suicide or any last-minute encouragement to take the final steps. Though Red Roof Inn has only just begun taking reservations for its suicidal suites, customer feedback has already been positive. Well I just checked in, but so far the hotel's given me everything I need. Everyone's been real accommodating. Anyway, I have to go now. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review.
cracked	why_the_firefly_crew_were_the_bad_guys_today_s_topic	Hey, are you like me where you think about Firefly all the time? When you say Firefly, do you mean the insect? Or the rebels from Elastigos? Or the GI Joe guy who was like nuts about explosives? Or the show that I think about all the time? So I think the brown coats in Firefly aren't the good guys. Obviously. Mal and Zoe are classic rogue archetypes. They're heroic, but willing to cheat and steal, and not necessarily the good guys in the traditional sense. Right, but I mean they're like the straight up bad guys. Yeah, I know. Jane even says... Let's be bad guys. Good, because I really mean that the Alliance are the good guys. What? You meddling jongdae! The Alliance are building space stations and space navies and stacks of medicine to keep dozens of planets happy and healthy. Happy, healthy, and oppressed. There is the big, open, western-ish landscape where everyone is super free. Think about who we meet outside of Alliance Control. There's the mud farmer Baron, who's so bad he makes Jane look like a good guy. There's Niska running a whole sector from deep space nipple clamp. There's the jerk rancher who laser attacks a brothel. Small business. Everyone who's not under Alliance Control is getting crushed by their local lunatic. It's the worst case scenario for anarchy. Firefly the show tries to prove that as soon as there's a power vacuum, all the assholes swoop in and fill it up like a bunch of assholes. So a few bad apples run a few bad planets. The Alliance has had whole star systems under its boot heel for a while. Exactly. A while is the closest we get to exact history in Firefly. I mean, Mal and Zoe make us think they fought some diabolical empire, but they lost a war. They're biased sources. Mal and Zoe would have a pretty firm grasp on their own history. They're not stupid. Ignorant? Maybe? Remember, these are criminals living outside the system in a Wild West analog. It doesn't seem like a lot of formal education got to Mal, or Zoe, or Wash, or Jane. What'd y'all order a dead guy for? Mal describes the apocalypse as The Earth got used up Like some kind of folksy teenager. Even Kaylee, their technical expert, is self-taught. She fixed it. My daddy says I got natural talent. The few characters who are educated spent years living on Alliance Worlds, and they don't have nearly the same raging hate boner for it. Shepard Book and Inara's jobs take them in and out of Alliance space, no problem. Which apparently means that the Alliance has freedom of religion, safe legal prostitution, and an economy where a sex worker and a cleric can afford space rent. And then Simon and River We know the Alliance is bad. From the pilot. They kidnap a little girl. They steal her away from her family. Yeah. And sneak her into a shady government facility. Yeah. And perform invasive brain surgery on her against her will. They stripped her amygdala. Yeah. Which is... It's bad. It's a bad thing. We hate it. We frown on it. It's bad. I don't know. I mean, you know. You're a sociopath. Hey! The new guy's a sociopath! Maybe. What the Alliance did isn't good, obviously. Okay, but what our government's done over history is way, way worse for way more people. And I don't see you marching in the street. Also, maybe they had a reason, right? The Alliance messed up River's brain. But this is a messed up universe we're in. And the one thing in the verse that's supernatural is River's mind powers. Which grow every episode uncontrollably. This is paranoid schizophrenia. I don't know if I'll be able to help her here. In one moment she seems perfectly cogent the next. That's the kind of thing you want to keep an eye on. Even if it's at the cost of hurting a little girl. What if River's unchecked abilities can grow and grow Akira-style and then just destroy a planet or the universe? She's getting worse. Yes. If the Alliance is responsible at all, they're going to monitor that. And then when it's time to make a really hard decision, they're going to do the horrible crazy thing that saves billions of people. I don't learn a children. I do. You know what I think your problem is? I think you just hate rebels, Mr. Only Unbutton's one button. I had one button unbuttoned? You see someone with the wind in their hair and a leaf on the wind in their hair and you say, hey, stop rebelling. But you know what rebels did? They gave us Star Wars and the American Revolution and the American Civil War. Those obviously aren't the rebels that I like. Obviously those are the rebels you like because in 2002, Joss Whedon told the New York Times that the whole inspiration for the TV show Firefly was The Killer Angels, an historical novel of the American Civil War. We're both American. It's just the Civil War. It's only the war. So if Firefly is based on the Civil War and the Reconstruction era, the Union's obviously based on the Alliance because they won and they're trying to keep everything together, which means the browncoats who lost a Civil War are based on conniving, meddling, sack of ghosts. We're both Americans. It's just st, fking, fking, fking, f**king. We are both Americans. You got to think about that sometimes, you know? That's so great. I'm going to wear more flag shirts. Yeah. Hey, who are you? I'm sorry, but I'm...
cracked	the_most_needlessly_sexual_tv_ads_does_not_compute	Hey everybody, and welcome to episode UNO of Does Not Compute, where I stare unblinking at a side of humanity that would make a lesser android drop a boot log in his robot pants. I'm your host, the Mechanical Spider, and my co-host this week is Chinese-American vlogger Peter Shao. Hello, Peter Shao here. Thanks for being on the show, Peter. I understand you have one of the most popular channels on YouTube. Shao-sai, motherfucker! Right. Yes, Shao-sai. Gosh, you know, I think it's so important for China and America to engage as equals on the global stage like this, don't you? All you motherfucker on the internet say that I am racist. What? No, I wasn't implying- I love the black people. My best friend, he's black. Okay. Jamal, come here. This actually is getting kinda racist, so- I'm a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer negro. I am so- Today's topic is... You gotta be kidding me! It's the first episode! Sex sells. And I'm not just talking about skyrocketing dildo costs, but here in the states we tend to show at least some restraint. Sure we've got a tits-themed restaurant, dick-themed monument, and our national anthem is pretty sweet to bang to. It's the land of the free and the whole. But if you want to see women flagrantly selling their bodies, you got to wait until at least 9 PM. As usual, Japan has us beat when it comes to efficient, streamlined ogling. Take this commercial for, ah, I don't know what. I'm going to say rape whistles. Denjoku, jokopati. Oh, candy. It was candy. And now I have an erection. But what to do with it? What to do with my hard, diminutive, rectangular. Oh, set it on fire. Good call. Man, Japanese candy companies must be getting pretty desperate. I like fucking Asian chicks. There might be something in there. Get me the emperor. Of course, no self-respecting American outfit would stoop to such chicanery. Right, Ron? Duh? Really? McDonald's? You're really going to make me stare at the hottest woman I've ever seen get white stuff in her hair for 30 seconds, then hit me with this bullshit? You just blue-balled an entire nation. OK, to be fair, I'm stretching the symbolism a little. I mean, it's not like she's, and there it is, as if edited. And stick the landing? Good luck, Mom. Wow. Yes, it seems if you want to sell something in Japan, you've got to get a woman to pretend she's blowing, which, of course, is more bad news for Toyota. She's dead now. That woman died. That's about it for this week. But before we go, let's check in with the robot body I'm building to put Clippy's mind into. In a segment I'm calling, Checking in with the Robot Body I'm Building to Put Clippy's Mind Into. How you doing, new Clippy? Same old Clippy. Say goodnight to the folks, Clip. OK, haven't we had enough slurs for one day? Jesus. I'd like to thank Peter Chow for being here. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out. She's a red-legged train, bye-bye. And don't bitch, OK? In the comments about the show changing formats, it hurts me. It hurts my feelings. Don't fall in love. And don't be like, oh, here's what he should have done. Like, there's some comedy rule, and your fucking professor joke, or whatever. She's a beauty. Not most of you guys. Most of you guys are super cool. You know who I'm talking about, though. That asshole.
dropout	What_It_s_Like_To_Date_An_Alien	Rich, we need to talk. Uh oh. I just feel like we're drifting apart. We are? Oh, not you and me. Me and the other beings I'm becoming as part of my species' reproductive process. Oh. Do they need to be here for this? Yes. This involves both of us. Both of who? You and me. The three... Make that four other beings in front of you. Huh. Nice to meet you. It's still me, Rich. All me's are me, remember? Sorry, sorry. The many beings, one mind thing, it's just a little hard for me to wrap my little human head around. Rich, you knew what you were getting into when we started dating. I said, I have a nut allergy, I don't do aisle seats, and at the exact age of 37, I'll split into any number of bodies with the same consciousness. Yeah, it's just, it's a lot to take in. I understand. Look, I think we should see other people. We should? No, we should. Three out of the four of us. Oops, sorry, five out of the six of us. I see. I'm grateful for our time together. So am I. No, our time together. Me and the other me's time together. But I'm six, eight beings now, Rich, and I want to see more of what the universe has to offer. But one of you would still be my fiance? Of course. So one of you wouldn't see more of what the universe has to offer? Well, we would, because we're one mind. I don't know, what if you meet someone amazing and want to spend all of your time with them? Well, we would, because again, we're one mind. We'd get married to them. We would. One mind. Or have a family. Rich, that's not going to happen. You say that, but how do you really know that? Because our species doesn't reproduce that way. We reproduce by becoming any number of omni-conscious bodies at the exact age of 37. At exactly the age of 37, I remember. I think I'm just worried I'll get jealous. Well, are you jealous now? Why would I be jealous now? Because I'm already the mind of my entire species. Oh, so you're already with lots of other partners. Huh. I guess I never thought about it like that. Just out of curiosity, like how, how many? Excuse me. I'm sorry. I mean, it's not as if I've counted. Like millions? Billions? Trillions? Rich, I'm not playing this game with you. Or any of them, I don't know, taller than me? Rich, there are some like conscious planets. Smarter than me? Some AIs. Funnier than me? Some whoopee coshonians. That's not a, that's a joke. Have you ever been with anyone as funny as me? Hey, I love you. Delana. Delanay, the plural. Delanay, I love all of you too. And I truly want what's best for you. And that's what makes you one of the best partners in the galaxy. Better than the AIs? Mmm, they sort of mastered everything. Yeah, that makes sense. So would the original Delana stay with me, or? Well there is no original. Oh. So who would stay with me? Doesn't matter really. So I pick? No, I didn't think so. So you pick? Sure, sure I can pick. Not it. Crap. Hey! I'm kidding!
cracked	12_6_07_news_on_cracked_interview_with_bill_clinton_more	It's Thursday, December 6th, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm sick as a dog, a dead dog. France's National Library has opened its long-rumored and long-awaited erotica collection to public view for the first time ever. The exhibition includes sexually explicit artwork dating back to the 14th century, displayed behind glass, of course, to protect the delicate manuscripts from me, Lex Friedman. Foreign presidential candidate Mitt Romney addressed the nation today in an attempt to reassure Americans that his Mormon beliefs fit nicely with the demands of high office. Said Romney, My religion will allow me to marry each and every intern working at the White House, allowing me to bone them with the full weight of the law and my faith behind me. The British government announced a plan yesterday to help children with dyslexia and to support more dyslexia charities. The spokesperson for the Adult Dyslexia Organization published a written statement saying something that was entirely unreadable, but we presume it was grateful. Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her old breast implants on eBay to raise money for breast cancer research. Apparently, Carey doesn't understand the whole reason men watch porn. We just like women's bodies, and we don't care about what's on the inside, especially if it's silicone. And now, Cracked has scored an interview with former President Clinton. That's the Clinton with a penis. No, the other Clinton with a penis. That's the one. Mr. President, thank you for being here today. How do you justify telling me that you wanted to Lewinsky me just before our cameras started rolling today? Yeah, but the way I said it, the tone in which I said it was actually almost whimsical and humorous. Notice that you were vigorously rubbing the breasts of our receptionist when you first walked in. Care to explain? This is what I love to do. It is what I think I should do. Anyway, Mr. President, have you seen Two Girls, One Cup? I love it. I mean, I feel it's a great gift. I'm able to do this. How? Well, you've got a lot of different moving parts, and you can move them all at once. That makes sense. I understand you like to punch puppies in the face. That's the joy of being a former president. Okay. You know, I was hoping this was going to be a decent interview, but you've really just bored me. I thought you were good at this crap. I tried. So I tried and failed. Thanks for your time. I guess. Anyway, that's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Friday for the Week in Douche Baggery, or we'll make sure it rains for your entire weekend.
SaturdayNightLive	steve_martin_s_penis_beauty_creme_apply_as_needed_saturday_night_live	Hi, I'm Steve Martin. with so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. that's why I'm proud to put my name on Steve Martin's All-natural Penis Beauty Cream New formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks, your penis will be looking smoother and softer. the way women like it. And because of the new formula, no more scaling. here's how it works. just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half hour. you'll notice a difference right away. And don't worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how has my Steve Martin's All-natural Penis Beauty Cream new Formula helped you? Well, Steve, I'm in real estate. and if I'm not confident, I can't do my job. And you can't feel confident unless your manhood is smooth and soft, right? exactly. If I'm thinking about my appearance, I'm not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve's cream, I sold three houses. now I have more energy than before. my confidence is sky high. I just got my pilot's license. And next week, I'm flying solo from L.a. to Tahoe with nothing on board except two jars of your cream. That's great. Well, the best part, Steve, is that now I can throw away all those cans of Turtle wax. our next guest actually started using my new cream by accident. isn't that right, Dave? that's right, Steve. I thought it was for something else. And now that you've been using the product, how have you found it? Well, Steve, I found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it's the first beauty lotion made especially for The Johnson. I'll tell you, if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day. And is your wife more attracted to you now that you've been using my cream? Well, Steve, My wife recently left me. but before she did, she said, I hope you and your Steve Martin's Beauty Cream will be very happy. Well, that's a lovely tribute. Thank you, Dave. Steve Martin's all-natural Penis Beauty Cream New formula. you know it's safe. Why? Because it's tested on animals. And if you order by mail, don't worry, it's shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words, not penis cream, stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today and remember, it's the only cream with the picture of my penis on it.
cracked	a_campaign_ad_for_the_most_electable_candidate_ever	Does anyone else miss the time when we used to work this land the time politicians serve the people? Does anyone else miss America? I'm Ronald Montgomery Taylor. I don't want to be your president You can call me Ron or you can call me. Dr. Taylor. It's your choice. I am pro-choice But not in the way you're thinking Just generally now. I'm not some fast-talking politician. I grew up on a farm right in the middle of Boston My father was a simple farmer. My mother was a simple Dean of Admissions of Harvard. Everything is too expensive today That's fine immigration Well, I'm not interested in addressing that I want to get us back to a simpler time a time when women knew their place the workforce The time when kids respected their elders and grew up to start internet companies and said their prayers before bed If they wanted to and when those planes hit those two towers, I thought man America Okay conservative liberal Democrat Republican in the end of these words really mean anything Yes Yes, they do. That's their job is words. I know what you're thinking health care abortion Congress banks Well, I want you to know I Feel the exact same way as you sometimes you just need to stop Slow down take a look around and say Okay Let's make Ron president I'm Ron or dr. Taylor and frankly, I'm a little ambivalent about this message Hey guys subscribe to the YouTube channel, okay now that that's out of the way I got 10 seconds to do whatever I want with y'all and that is Prop comedy, huh? Battery You got attacked. It's a case the batteries came in. You know what those are like a salt and bodily
cracked	5_basic_human_pleasures_the_modern_world_is_destroying	Life is beautiful, as Roberto Benigni taught us by depressing the shit out of us and then getting scuff marks on all our nice chairs. Food, drink, music, movies, sex, friendship, the mysteries of the whole Vasti-Weeden-verse. Simple pleasures of life that, in some ways, can never be improved upon. So why do we keep trying? Everyone we used to just do stuff, cool stuff, too, like go to the moon. See, that was neat. And it was just that, that we went and landed on the damn moon. Now we're talking about going to the big, red moon, and instead of tuning in when the ship makes orbit, the American public will be treated to an entire reality documentary series following the astronaut hopefuls on their quest to be a part of the first manned flight to Mars or die trying or die winning, too, I guess. Hmm, if you liked someone on that show, would you try to vote them onto the Suicide Space mission or off of it? Not to mention the fact that we felt the need to actually go back and alter the moon landing. Please. I mean, we use Facebook and Foursquare to earn points for going to bars and seeing our friends. Remember when the incentive for getting drunk with your friends was I'm done talking because you probably see where I'm going with this now? We use plastic instruments and dance pads to interact with music we like, or we did. I still do. It's not, we all stopped rock bands, right? We all simultaneously decided that's not cool. Why, for God's sake, do we have to play Monopoly to eat McDonald's food? It's already poisonously addictive. You don't see guys getting every tenth heroin cap free with a punch card. Although that is not a bad marketing ploy. You're welcome, the many heroin dealers I assume watch my online videos. And hey, speaking of the cracked audience, I know I don't need to remind our readership of the vast panoply of sexual specializations and enhancements available from this very internet. Porn these days is so comprehensive, there's basically no difference between masturbating at home alone every night and f***ing a beautiful woman who's deeply in love with you. There isn't, is there? I'm sure there isn't. Man, whatever happened to just loading up tinder, sexting at the nearest fly honey, and pounding it out behind a Dave & Buster's? Everything has to be worth points now. I mean, I get trying to make an unpleasant experience suck less, like playing a phone game where you wait in line to buy a new phone with better games. But do we really need to incentivize sex? Movies? Friendship? Space? Text your answer to the blow number for a chance to win a digital date with a cracked personality. We'll film the event and release it as a web series later. Stay tuned for the blooper reel from that series after the blooper reel from this. Alright, I did a take. Give me a hand job. Candy bar, whatever, just give me it. It's not. Well then, what's it like to have sex with a beautiful woman that's in love with you? Ohhhh man! We did it guys. I got published. Soarin' Radica, right there on your bookshelf at your local grocery store and airport. Obsession untamed, look for it, that's me. Photoshopped the body to make me look a little less strong, couldn't fit the entire thing on the cover.
SaturdayNightLive	beep_beep_snl	Parker, Jackson, quit running around your aunt's house. Oh, they're fine. Hey, Jeannie, not to be a pig, but you got an Eta on dinner time? Yeah, everything looks so good. what can we eat? Well, don't ask me. that's Mark's department. Ah, oh, beep, beep. let me just go right past you. Sorry, Mark. that's all right. No, everything's fine. all good. Hey, Mark, how much longer do you think till we eat? Well, all the food's here, so as soon as Betty and Carl get here, we can get started. Ok? all right. well, if that ham goes missing, Greg did it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Merry Christmas to all. sorry, we're late. Oh, don't be. you didn't miss nothing. we were just about to start. Oh, beep, beep. let me give her a bite. Oh, I'm sorry, Carl. hey, it's all good. just going to grab one more out the car. Oh, oh, good. Ok, well, let me get you a drink, Betty, over here. Hey. Oh, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. let me just go right past you. I feel like I'm in traffic. Hey, Betty Girl, let me tell you, best part of the holidays is drinking during the day. Honey, why wait for the holidays? Cheers to that. And, oh, beep, beep, beep. beep, beep. just going to go right in there. beep, beep. let me just go right past you real quick. I'm sorry, boys. is everything all right? everything's fine, sweetie. I said, beep, beep. nah. I said, beep, beep. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think you understand. See, I'm in a little car right now, and I'm honking at you with my little horn. Beep, beep. Well, that's interesting, because I'm in a little car too, a car way littler than yours. I'm so little, got my knees up to my chest, little tires the size of buttons. no, stop. but it used to. from Stuart Little. Oh, I want to see. I see. so you want to die tonight? Oh, boys, please. this is insane. other men in the room, please do something. they'll kill each other. we cannot get involved. when two guys who go beep, beep, get in each other's way, getting between them is a surefire way to lose a hand. it's like getting between two falcons, two wolves, two condors, the bite your hand, clean off. one of them must yield to the other's beep, beep. Or? or what? fight to the death. You see, this is my house, son. and in my house, when I say beep, beep, excuse me, coming through, let me just screw right past you, you better move. Well, my daddy didn't raise no more. he raised a beep, Beep, watch out, coming up behind you, let me just squeeze right by you right quick. You know what? I want you to say beep, Beep. I want you to say it one more time. see if I don't drive my little car right up your ass like Miss Frizzle. Oh, shoot. I almost forgot. I invited the neighbors. hey, folks, I brought some yams. his yams are amazing. beep, beep, let me just keep going. where do you think you're going? I said beep, beep. Because first I say beep, beep. But I could go bang, bang. We cool? Yeah, we cool. that's right. beep, beep.
SaturdayNightLive	benedict_cumberbatch_monologue_snl	Ladies and Gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch! So, so much. I am thrilled to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. it's been a really fun, great week. And I've got to be honest, though, because most of the sketch writers this week, they pitch me sketches every day. And most were about Doctor Strange. it's great. I love the guy. I love playing the character. the film's doing really well. But I have been in other films. and no one said to me, like, what? And I said, well, the Power of the Dog, for example. And he said, nobody saw it. I said, come on, man. I was nominated for an Oscar for that. I did prepare. I mean, I didn't win. I was beat by Will Smith. not physically. not physically. But I'm really, honestly, very honored to be hosting the Mother's Day Snl show. a very special happy Mother's Day to my Mum. she's actually on holiday in Greece at the moment. and Snl offered to fly her here, first class. And she said, no, I'm on a beach in Greece. are you insane? No, I love you, mum. When I was younger, we used these weird, funny names that we used to call each other. I called her Pookie. and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch. Then later, I went off to a boarding school outside of London. you might have heard of it called Hogwarts. when I was there, she'd write these amazing letters home to me, these fantastic missives. And they had beautiful, beautiful drawings and illustrations on them, incredible things. I can't do that for her here, obviously. but I thought I'd use a bit of this monologue to thank her for all that she's done for me. Hey, Mum. it's me, your son, Little Benedict. thank you for always being there for me. You know, growing up, every time I had a problem, you had a solution. for instance, when I lost my two front teeth, I was worried about being teased. But you said, it's ok. just try and smile without opening your mouth. it's great advice. but it also explains why, to this day, in every red carpet photograph, I'm smiling like this. Seriously, though, Mum, thank you. you've shown me so much love and support every step of the way. I love you, Pookie. And speaking of mothers, my wife, Sophie, is in the audience tonight. and I'd like to wish her a happy mother's day, too. Hi, Sophie. it's me, your husband, Little Benedict. I'm seriously in constant, constant awe of you. I mean, for a start, you gave birth to our three beautiful boys, and that alone is a minor miracle, as any woman will tell you. Meanwhile, according to you, I was off dressing up as a wizard. Love, technically, it's a sore story. wizards have robes, I have a cloak, it's a thing, don't worry. But seriously, Sophie, I really hope that when you think about it, you'll realise that it evens out. And I'm not going to be able to do that. But I realise that it evens out, because if you think being a mum is hard, try doing this. Yeah, I just opened a portal, you're welcome. But really, seriously, happy, Happy Mother's Day! To all the mothers out there, all the grandmothers, all the caregivers, for everybody who does such an extraordinary job doing that, especially to the two mothers in my life, my mum, Wanda Vantham, and my wife, Sophie Hunter. and seeing all that you two have done for me and for our children, it truly warms my heart and puts a smile on my face, a smile like this. we've got a great show for you tonight, Rk Fries here.
dropout	don_t_buy_cars_on_ebay	When I was younger, my dad was in a wedding band. He had to buy a truck to keep all his equipment in the back, but we had three kids, so my oldest brother would sit in the front, and me and my other brother would sit in this little tiniest sliver of space between the front seat and the back of the cab. He would often slam on the brakes, and every time he did, our head would kind of whip back and smack this metal bar really hard. My dad got a pair of helmets that we were supposed to wear whenever we were in that, in the back of the truck, which was awesome. My dad's a great man, honestly. My friend Ross decided to buy a car off of eBay, so we go and we meet the guy. We meet him at a gas station, and he is like this aging punk rock guy who had like a really sick ponytail. And this kilted gentleman is telling us about his brother's band. Oh yeah, man, have you heard of the Axe Frogs? Yeah, they're pretty big in downtown Virginia. We're maybe like two hours into our trip. My friend Ross's car breaks down, the eBay car. Ross is super pissed off because he just spent several thousand dollars. Of course the guy's just like, it's your problem now, dude. So we did the only thing we could do. We googled his brother's band name, got their contact information, and called his brother, pretending to be a record executive. We told him we wanted to meet with him to talk about his band's future in New York. And of course once he got there, he'd find out that the record executive did not exist at all, and his band was still crappy, and he was never going to leave Virginia. Because fuck that guy's brother.
dropout	You_re_My_Least_Helpful_Friend	Hey dad. No, my flight gets in at 930. I've got the whole weekend booked off, so help you move. Yeah, I'll see you then. Okay. Oh no. What's wrong, Trapper? Is everything okay? Oh, um, yeah, my parents are, uh, getting divorced. Aww, I'm so sorry. That must be so difficult. Yeah, it's pretty rough. Yeah. Well, we certainly don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Thank you for being so understanding, Kate. You know, I'll just get out of your hair. I'm sure you two have more to discuss. Yeah. Thank you. No problems. And it's like your personal business, so. Exactly. And I totally respect that. Yes, you get it totally. Thank you, Kate. Thank you. Thank you, Jess. Yeah. So you were saying, yeah, you might need time to reflect. Absolutely. That's a thing. You might need time to reflect, and then, so I'll just get out of here. I really like that you're being so understanding about this. Yeah, cool. Thank you. Bye, Kate. Thank you. Bye. Sorry. So, yeah, I don't know, I just- I'm sorry, are we not close? Because I thought we were close. Katie, what is this? I'm wondering why you didn't confide in me, but you confided in Jess, you know? It's like, I thought we were pretty close. Katie, are you for real right now? Trapper, don't feel like you have to answer any of this. It's not a big deal. It's just, I guess we're not as close as I thought we were. Yeah, it's not a big deal. I'm not making this a big deal. It's not a- Are you- I'm calm. Katie, I didn't tell you, because I didn't tell anyone, okay? I'm still trying to process this myself. Okay, but you- you did tell Jess. Yeah, I mean told Jess, because Jess is really good at consoling people and listening, and yeah, I told Jess. Okay. Yeah, well, I mean, so what, now just me and Jess know, right? So I guess it's good that I'm the second person you told. I mean, not that it's a race, but I guess Raph did over here when I told Jess. Raphael knows? Are you serious? What's wrong with Raph? Honestly, I'm happy I told Raph, because he got me talking to my mom again. I understand Jess somewhat, you know, but Raphael? I mean, it's not personal. He just like happened to be there. Okay, just happened to be there. Oh, hey, Nathan. Trapp, I got you these. I just want you to know, I've been thinking about you and the divorce, and if you need anything, just know you can- you can talk to me. Oh, thank you so much, Nathan. Absolutely. Listen, hey, you're gonna get through this. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Nathan, you told Nathan before me? We have to be closer than you and Nathan. Nathan and I go way back. I knew Nathan before I knew you. Look, his parents have gotten divorced too, okay? He's been through this. I thought he could help me. Are you kidding me? I could have helped one million times more than Nathan, but you didn't even give me the chance. How is that possible, Katie? You have not been through this, okay? Nathan has. Okay, so if I had been through this, then maybe you would have confided in me earlier? Yeah, maybe. I don't know, Katie. Well, here we go. Here we go. I am sending my husband the divorce papers. What? What divorce papers? Do not get divorced right now, Katie. Divorce finalized. Now that I'm personally going through this, do you think that you might be able to benefit from my healing powers? Well, I mean, technically, Tramp isn't going through a divorce. His parents are going through a divorce. Yeah, okay. Well, how about this? I orchestrate a reverse parent trap so that I am retroactively the product of divorce. Then will you finally confide in me? Katie, this is insane. No, you're insane. Stop it! Shut up! I didn't tell you because I knew that you would make it about you, okay? And you are! You are! What's wrong, Tramp? Are you crying about the divorce? You couldn't be yours before me! Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Marovitch. If you like college humor and you want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a pack of animal stickers per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner, to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord, and exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room. Invisible identical to it. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? You said invisible. Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now.
dropout	bleep_bloop_call_of_duty	You're watching Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Sarah Schneider and Pat Cassels and from Gizmodo, Adam Frucci. Today we are playing Call of Duty 6 Modern Warfare 2. I think for our first match we'll just do a traditional death match, you know, whoever kills the most other people wins. Does someone want to tell me how to play? No. Well it's war. Some soldiers are trained. There's no rules of war. What is the tale of Call of Duty? Basically there's Russians and they invade America and you have to fight in the suburbs and around like Taco Bells and stuff to kill the Russians. It's just like Crash Bandicoot. It's an extremely conservative video game, but violent video games are something that conservatives have traditionally come out against. Yeah I would bet that this is the first game that when you die you see quotes by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. Do you really? Yeah. Most of them are about how bad you got combed though. Don't kill me. Who's hiding behind that brick wall? Let's use Sarazan. No. Can we turn big heads out of this? I don't have many opportunities in my life to feel like a big manly man. This game lets me like shoot dudes and use like real guns. Oh they're not real dudes or real guns. This game glamorizes war? Oh totally. Cool. Me too. Yeah it's got a lot of good qualities. Are you kidding? They could probably use this as a recruitment tool for the armed forces. There is a real army game that our taxilers paid for that is totally free to download and play. That would be the first time Jeff you've ever been concerned about your tax dollars. Well I just wanted to be going to more Mega Man sequels. Basically our taxes paid for at mediocre rip off of Call of Duty. And our actual dollars paid for Call of Duty. Also for like government funding video games we should make sequels to unpopular games that were really good but didn't sell that well. War is awesome. War is awesome, isn't it? No. I believe that I'm pretty terrible at this but I enjoy watching it. Sarah, somehow you just became even more popular online. Have we learned anything today? Maybe not. Maybe that's the thing. Ours is not to question lies. Ours is but to play this video game. What do I get for a three kill streak? Uh, you get... Radar. Radar, yes.
cracked	how_zombies_feel_about_zombie_movies_the_stumbling_dead_cracked_throwback	Wow, gross. Ooh, nice. Hey, Beth, that new bow you start to turn, he gets a bullet in the head, copy? Come on. Where the dang is Tammy? Don't choose right behind you. I'm too late on. I hate being in the back. How many foods are there? Five big ones, one real tiny. Last time I saw them all together. Food. Only five foods? The whole frickin' horde is here. Yeah, you said it, friend. The horde's the best. Hey, you're a baby, huh? Welcome to the horde, baby. You're gonna love the horde. A food's already been brought out and completely devoured. I hope you enjoyed your meal very few of us. Me too. I really do hope that for them. And you, when you have meals. Good idea, baby! Food is that way. Friends, too. Oh! What? Yeah! Oh, no! Hey, hey, buddy, hey! I see you, Malad. I may not have arms, but I've still got these. Wish I could've pointed when I said that, my eyes! Still got them. Hey, help me out of here. A food hit me with this shape. I see. An object narrow enough to pass right through you. Are you gonna help me? Oh, yes, of course. I... I can get off, but it'll be a while. Hello! Nice to meet you, my friend. Indeed. Bullage. What? Still wasting ammo? You see her? She's turned, Jessica. Once we get out of here, I'm going after her. You are not leaving my side again, you hear me? There might not even be a cure. But if there is, I can save her. Give me the wrong one! How do we get up there? I'm not really sure what you mean by that, friend. Where the food is? I never really thought about it like that. I guess just, you know, keep forward, arms out, you know. Hopefully a food eater friend to hug. Hell yeah! Love that about the horde, buddy. Oh, see it again, friend! Or, you know, just slowly pile on top of each other until one of our dear, good friends can climb up us. What's that stuff? Just food, Pete. Ew, gross! Small price of Haiti is food. Yeah, we can do it. We're all in this together and I love you. Why, let's keep moving! You know it! Can I come? You know it, friend! We gotta get out of here! We gotta get out of here, friend! You know, not having arms isn't much different. You know, being stuck to this large shape by that small, narrow shape might be good for you. I find I'm a little wiser now that I have no arms. Consider the sparrow. Shut up! Bite this thing and pull on it with your body. And, well, consider it... So, as such not do mountains be. All right, stop it! All right. Don't do this, does it? Voila! So now I... So now I have this thing? This is just it now for me? Well, at least you still have arms. I get it, you don't have arms. This is not about you right now. I was going to say friends. At least you still have friends. That's still about you. Just let me be miserable about this thin shape that's stuck in my body forever. I'm hugging you. Thanks. Friends, we've gotta go! Yeah, we do. Way to go. Aw, work the food! No, I mean, stop... Stop hugging me! Why'd you say that, buddy? I thought we were pals. Oh, shucks! Yeah, the stinger, that really stinks. Okay, just follow me if you still want to be friends. Everybody stay calm! Don't panic and stick together, it'll be fine! It just seems like no one knows what or why anything is, right? Hello, my best buddies of all time, forever, every single week in the world. That's great to see you. You want to wander with us until we find more food and friends? Oh, indeed! Just wander around? Well, once everyone stops scattering... Hello! Well, since we're to meet up and all clump back together... Friends, always find friends! And there's usually food there, too, which is great. How are you doing that? Thank you so much, buddy! So should we. You going? Right! It's just us, friends? It's just us, friends! You know it! That's right. Keep walking, zombies. There, I said it! You zombies! By the time I'm through with you, you'll be the lying dead. The lying in on the ground dead. When I've killed you. Except the one I'm trying to save. I should mention that. You zombies! Look! A food egg! Probably empty. They're usually empty. Yeah, looks hatched already. Well, we should at least check and see. On it! I was not aware they could defend themselves. Oh, hey. Doesn't matter. There's no screaming food in there. He can tell you now. Because of the screaming! Hey, best friends? We're never going to find food without the horde. Or inner peace. Whatever that may be. Or whatever being is. Friends! I believe I've seen something moving. Also, my gut hole is leaking. If it moves, if what you saw moves... Then we can make it stop moving! And then we can eat it! We can eat it right up! Ooh! Hey, best friend? And now we play the waiting game. I. I play the waiting game. That would have been so good if I got it right. I'll tell you the first thing I'm going to do when I get that food. Eat it. Look! That food is way high up. But how do we get to it if we're not where it is? On it! Ooh! What do we do? At least with the horde there were broken promises of food. There's no promise here. Ooh! Let's cover it with tree blood. A local delicacy loved by nobody. Wait, stop! We can't eat other things. Not just food. Don't bother with the way high up meat. Follow the already down here meat. I mean, let's go! Is she even with them? What? But I built the whole thing. I play the waiting game. And it isn't warm, or tasty, or food like normal food. I am less hungry though. Anyone mind if I take a whack at this one? This is disgusting and I hate it. We should just go back and take our chances with the up food. I'm going to take a whack. Whack! Chinese! You can just swallow them whole and you don't have to taste it. Or, if you chew them, it kind of sounds like the bones of food. Hello, tiny buzzing friends! I'm out! Well, I'm out! No! Hello! No. No, this is wrong. Food is food. Okay, food isn't ground. Food isn't me, or you, or green thing, or that dick, or what's his butt. That's why food is called food. And those things are called... Whatever they're called. Not food, that's for sure. This is not new food, I now think! You change the definition. The natural definition of food. And what's next? You want to start calling these floppy wood bastards friends? No. You might as well just let air into the horn, since nothing means anything anymore. Hello, friend! You are my really great buddy! Welcome to the horn! Shh! I think I've brokered a piece with the very small buddies. Oh, never mind! We have to survive somehow, and honestly, food is dangerous. It kills friends all the time. Look, I know you're my best friend in the whole world, but what you're suggesting is unnatural. And you're the greatest pal I've ever had, and I would never leave you or any other friend behind. I am a friend, and you are a friend, and we are friends. But it sounds to me like you're just cranky and you need to eat something. Yeah! Food! Hey, friends! Come over here! I swear it's not about my little buzz friends. We can agree on this, right? That'll work, yeah. On it! Looks like the hunter. Steal the hunter. Son of a... Hey, monsters, it's gonna take me a little time to reload this... There's a lot going on here. But you, you should tell me what you did with my friend, Cammy! Shit! I got a ratchet! The ratchet! Ah! No! I dropped by my own backup trap! I don't know what hurts more than stealing the irony. Ah! Never mind! That hurts more! Damn! Ah! Damn it! Why do I keep missing your head? Ah! So many things keep going wrong! This is really bad! Ah! Screw that! This food never runs away! And it tastes great! Hi! Hi, my best friend! Hey! I love you! I'm back! Hi, best friend! Hi, my new favorite pals! Wait! Where did you come from? Whoa! Cool! How did you move your arms like that? Where did you come from? How did you do that? Where did you come from?! Whoa! What's bothering you, buddy? Where did you come from? And what did you do with the food?! Oh! There's food?! Which way? Food! Ah! Capital idea! Ah! Food! I may have been born just now, but that's impossible. There's no other possible explanation! Yeah! Right! I was food! You do look a lot like this food! Not my food! Good! I bit that food! Please! You barely taste like food! You bit the food! The food became friend! It must be... A coincidence! Show me one piece of evidence that there's any... Can... You said food put that in you! I did! We have to tell the horde! We were food! You should tell them about this green stuff, too! It's going from my gut hole! Permanent food! No, thank you, friend! We need to find them! I thought you said that we'd start to sense them and then we'd come together like real buddies! Who knows, and help me! By my calculations, we should reach the horde... Eventually! Whoa! Great job! Well, thank you! You, too! Thank you! Okay! Come on! Prove the hordes! This way, guys! This way! Shall I bring the tiny buzz friends? Where do we go? I could go... Okay! Forget the buzz friends! Okay, wait, I think this might be the wrong direction! You know what? You know I was calculating? Yes! So, we get to the horde and we just tell them we used to be food? Will they even believe us? Yeah! Well, tell them! And then, oh, no! We didn't know until we knew, you know? Knowing things is amazing! Yeah! Almost as amazing as the horde! Yeah, if you, like, smell it like food all the time! He's right! Oh, you're gonna love the horde! All my best friends are in the horde! Except for you four! Here, now! Look! They're clumping! Wait! We were food! Hey! It's one of my pals! Hi! I love food! Hey, me too! That's great! You're great! Friends! We were food! We don't believe you! Okay, but what if I said that the thing that I said was true? Friends and friends! Allow me to present to you something beyond anything you've ever seen! Something world-oldering! Ta-da! Hey! She used to be food! Oh, that's ridiculous! She's obviously one of us, and furthermore, I love her! But I used to not be! They saw it! It's true! There was a food, and then I bit the food, and then the food was gone! And then she was there! It was terrible! I really wanted the food! If we don't stop eating food, we'll outnumber it and then starve! We have to eat this gross green stuff instead! Stop eating food! If we used to be food, then where's the transitional form? Oh! Wally! Excuse me? If we all used to be food, and then turned into friends, why isn't there something that's half-friend, half-food? Show me this room, friend! So all I see here is one of my very best friends in the whole wide world, I think. We all agree. Well, one moment the food was there, then it vanished! Too fast to even see? It's pretty convenient. Yes, yes! Faster than seems possible! Incredibly convenient! Look, just believe the things that we know! Ask the leader! The great leader would like you to come closer. And also, how are you doing the things with your arms? Oh! We just broke them. That's good. Oh, great leader! There is a food crisis coming, and unless you want to eat green crap and shit and bugs, you gotta believe us! The leader has what's... Excuse me! Brave and inspiring, leader. But if I may... We have heard our young friend. However, before you make your final decision, might a friend have the floor? Right. Now, I'm from right here. From the Horde! I was born back in a time that, frankly, I don't remember at all. But that I like to think... for simpler... simpler times for simpler friends. Now, I may not know much. For example, I'm still struggling with this arm thing. This is your right! Why, thank you! But I do know that we have only been alive for a couple of days. So how is it possible that we were food before that? And in this short time, we have, as friends, enjoyed having food, getting food, eating food, and so forth. So, if our young friend is in fact correct that we was food, then again, forgive me, for I am a little bit slow on the draw. But that would make, would it not, our fearless leader having been food! Yeah, the whole. Like all of us. Blasphemy. Speaking blasphemy. No! This is mine. We saw this on myself, but we friends did not make it. Where did it come from? Sugar pie. We all have things. Like what is this, right? But as the old saying goes, whatever. Who cares? That's not even a saying! You're right, it's not a saying. Just like fearless leader, we was food is not a saying. Case done! Now kindly remove these vomits and scarf laws, who I love dearly. My friends, who are you? They are right, I have seen it. I was shouted, we was food! This cannot keep us from thriving when we was food. There was no fight when we was food. There was no sides. We must make a deal with the food, so we can have the great peace as there was before. Your leadership, a thousand respects, but you haven't found us food for hours. I think there is a place where there may be food. I was shown it. Follow me. Who do you think she was? Who are any of us anymore? What you saying? Oh, that's fucking weird. This won't work. It's probably not even food in that giant egg. Pristo! What? I don't know, it just sounds like a good random nonsense word. You think it'll believe her? Shh! It's happening! I don't speak dead dummy. It feels really weird saying this, but that food's pretty cute. I'm gonna bash your fucking head in. Now, okay? All right, here I come.
dropout	shared_by_lumberjacks	Hello everybody, welcome back to Erotic Book Club, I am your host Jess Ross with me as always as my co-host. Hello, I'm Rekha Shankar. Thank you so much, not sure how you're watching us or listening to us if you're on our Dropout, if you're on CH2, if you're on iTunes, all of them are great ways. Our favorite way of course is through Dropout because you get to listen to it first and you get to check out all of our other content, shows like D20, What the Fuck 101, other podcasts, The College Humor Podcast, Tales from the Closet, and of course Erotic Book Club. Our favorite part is becoming being on our Discord, we have so much fun on there, it's our channel where you can talk to us directly after you watch the episode or in between episodes. We have some fun comments from fans, we got Doc Mayhem who really made my week, he said I keep Dropout just for Erotic Book Club, awesome show. Thank you so much. And I truly thought that that was so sweet and special, maybe it's a lie but hey, sometimes a lie's nice, sometimes a little nice lie made somebody's day and you made my day, Doc Mayhem. A random geek named Brent said there, being Rekha and I, are cool with talking about animal dicks and monster fucking, they gotta get some furry erotica up in this bitch. We do the best that we can trying to find a vast array of different content that we think people may enjoy, so we're gonna look out for some furry dicks for you, Brent. Just for you. A little gift. It's a gift, yeah. We also have some beautiful Nessie fan art in there, we have some depictions of the big beast himself. The big beast himself, throbbing abs and all. Throbbing abs and two cocks, just the way I like him. Yeah. As well as a gorgeous one, I wish I could have shared it, we didn't get the rights quick enough, or signed things quick enough, but there's a gorgeous one of Ferguson, the captain from what, for Nessie, rowing, or steering the boat. Yeah, like a captain's wheel. Not even little with his big penis out. And I had a thought for it, I don't wanna like, you know, like feedback is just feedback, you know? I think this piece of art is beautiful, one thought I had. What if the dick was the spoke of the captain's wheel? I love that. I think it could be a nice way to marry the two things sort of already naturally going on in that picture. If you got this custom commissioned for your house, that would be a lovely addition. If this was like an Etsy situation and I was getting something custom made and I was like, okay. And that was like the drafts, wow, this is really stunning, I hope this isn't too much work, but can you connect the wheel to his hard cock? Yeah, I don't know a ton about Photoshop, but I feel like that wouldn't be too hard of a change. Yeah, if it is, egg on my face. Egg on my penis. The book for this week, as we mentioned last week, is shared by Lumberjacks by Eddie Cleveland. Yes, and who better to talk about this book than our two expert guests, Jess? We're so lucky. With us, our leading character in the book is a red-headed woman from the city who wears glasses and it's a bit of a conflict on and off. And so we knew that we had to get our red-headed glasses-wearing expert, Annie. Hello, I'm glad to be here. Thank you so much for being here. I provide my expertise. Yes, your perspective is very much needed, so this will be crucial. I'm glad I could share that. We also have another expert here. Yes. So this book takes place in a cabin in the woods in like a wintry setting. A Lumberjacks natural environment. Yes, that's where they're born and raised. And so to speak on trees and nature and what those are like, we have our own Jessica Clemens from Olympia, Washington. Hi, nice to be here. Big tree enthusiast. Jess, what's your favorite tree? I mean, don't know a lot. If I had to choose, I would say Douglas fir, maybe a cedar. Oh, wow. A cedar. This is incredible. We got two for two. What's a Douglas fir look like? I don't want to criticize it because it's Black History Month. Oh, what's happening? They named it after Frederick Douglass and it's not that big of a deal. It's kind of like a really shrubby, but these are the ones that were in Washington. I don't know if they were supposed to be there. It's like a little bush. Is it a Christmas tree? No, that's the evergreen tree. Isn't that a pine tree? I don't know. See, you guys are questioning my expertise now. I know. I don't mean to do that. I'm just saying. I apologize. I'm from a place. It has a lot of them. And that's why you're here. And you also wear glasses. Yeah. And I'm also a Lumberjack. Yeah. That was a cool fact. I'm glad that I learned it today. Me too. Bye, Lumberjacks. The characters, in case you haven't read it, we want to help you along listening. We have our lead, Mary, a red-headed, glasses-wearing woman. She writes books in the city. She writes books. They're romance novels with no sex. They're a bit more like a Hallmark movie, if you will. It's usually Christmas in them. And it's very a city woman goes out to the country and finds love there. Your typical Hallmark story? It's like an Elissa Milano kind of vehicle, you know? Really? Is that who you'd pick first? I think I've seen her in Hallmark movies. I saw her in one where she had like two boyfriends, which is like a little similar to this. Oh. There's the inspiration. Maybe. Oh, she was the inspiration for Ariel. Elissa Milano? I believe so. Another redhead. It's all happening. Wait, isn't Little Mermaid, doesn't that precede her? No, when she was a child actress, they took her face and drew her up. And that's who Ariel is. We have so many facts today. Also, I don't mean to do this, but I'm going to bring it back. I was completely wrong about the Douglas fir. I got it mixed up with a different tree. The Douglas fir is actually a very large tree, but it does not have a lot of branches. So I'm going to hold on to half my statement. I love an expert who keeps it real. Yeah. And keep checking in with the Douglas fir kind of throughout the pod. Do you have any changes throughout the day? I will. Breaking news. Douglas fir is actually something else. The Douglas fir I was wrong. It's important to admit when you're wrong. You know what? It was a fake tree. Crafts too, Jess. Amazing. We have Mary's agent, Nancy, who is the one who kind of has her go out to meet our lumberjacks. And then of course we have our lumberjacks, Hardy and Owen. Now I have cast this as Tom Hardy and Owen Wilson. OK. Does anyone else have anyone else in mind? I kind of imagined both of them to look like Paul Bunyan, like huge, huge, burly men with axes. Aren't they like eight foot? Yeah. Whoa. That's crazy. But Paul Bunyan I think also had red hair so that. Would you make love with an eight foot man? I don't know if the situation has never presented itself. Absolutely. But maybe yeah, I could then tell everybody I had sex with this dude who's eight feet tall. Have you ever done that? I just watched the Andra the Giant documentary and they were talking about what a ladies man he was. And I was like, I just don't know if I could and I'm a bigger woman, but I think he would tear me apart. I do wonder a bit about like the how do you situate yourselves when I'm five three. So if somebody is that much taller, where do you, I don't know, where do you have to be on top? He? You know, you would die. I would die. The plus side is like you're small enough to be like put places like on the wall or on the shoulders. Like a picture. Like a framed picture. He would hang you up. Like two stooge kids in like a teen show. Oh my God. So two eight foot tall lumberjacks live out by this cabin. Two Owen Wilsons live by a cabin. Our story begins it's Christmas. She's listening to some holiday hits. There's a beautiful description of the mountain view that she's driving down. And then we get a bit of a flashback as to what led her to going out to the cabin. She's with her agent Nancy. She's sitting in a chair wearing her Robin egg blue thick rim glasses kind of hiding behind them as one does. And she's suffering from writer's block. She's a New York Times best seller, but she just can't get this next book written. Yeah. We've all been there. Which they're all about fucking Christmas and two men. I don't know. Not two men. They're all about Christmas and a guy. I don't know. What kind of writer's block? Maybe you've just written all there is to say. I just keep thinking that maybe this is what the author thinks that women like. Yes. Totally. Love. Don't get me wrong. I do. I have Christmas in the book. No. There wasn't. There was no presents. There was no tree. Yeah. There was no wreath. There was no reindeer. No, it's crazy to have a lumberjack book that doesn't actually have trees. Oh, the parts that did have trees were very sexy and I can't wait to get to that. So the agent has her go out to the woods to kind of have like a bit of an inspiration. Do trees offer inspiration? Maybe for Mary. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or for redheads in particular. Right. Wait. I want to backtrack on one thing, which is Nancy has one of my favorite quotes of the book, Nancy, her agent, which is a good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to find. I think that's a nice sort of Christmas saying. Maybe you'll find a hard man under the tree. Who knows? You open up a Christmas card, you know, the front of it. And then put it up on the mantel. The front says a good man is hard to find. You open it and it's like a pop up and a hard man is good to find. That is such a great line. And it's from like your dad's coworker. I want that stitched on a pillow in my living room on my couch. That's so cute. I would totally hang with Nancy. Nancy's one of the coolest people to me and I'm so sad that she's only in like the beginning really. Yeah. She's so badass. She takes no BS. Yeah. If she was at that cabin, she'd be like, what the fuck? But also she cares for her friend. Her friends hitting are really not even friend like this is like a working relationship. Her client, she takes the time to go, hey, I understand you're stressed. You're not hitting the deadlines. It's no big deal. Go out to the woods. I'll rent you a cabin. I will rent you a cabin. I would love for somebody to rent me a cabin. I've never been in a cabin. What? You guys gotta hit some writer's block. Oh, I want to take you to a cabin. What if this happens to us? What if this does happen to us? Oh my god, Rekha, we are going to the cabin. I think I would lose my fucking mind if this happened to us. Cabins are so much fun. Cabins are so amazing. I would love to. I spent too much time in cabins. I love cabins. Expert. Love cabins. So she drives up and she sees the cabin. She thinks in her mind it's going to be one thing. What do you think maybe? Let's hear from someone who hasn't been to a cabin. I was like so confused. I was like a cab what? I was so confused. I think I thought it would be like, because she was also hyping up all the cabins she has been to that are very nice and very cozy. So I was kind of expecting that. Well, I'm talking about Airbnbs that give her wine and fruit basket. I was like where the fuck are you going? I literally stayed at an Airbnb where the person also stayed there in their room. And there was a cat that threw up. All I get is like a pan full of bacon fat. Like I don't get a bottle of wine when I go to an Airbnb. And she's in a nice bottle of wine. Yeah. She's used to the luxury. One nut in a box. How can she tell when it's nice? The picture on the front, you idiot. If the picture is like a painting kind of thing, it's nice. If it's like a cartoon fish, it's bad. Oh my god. So she gets there and it's not quite what she thinks. It's a little crappier. If she describes it. I think as a shack. So I imagined it to be kind of like just like a small room with this like stone staircase going up to a bedroom. But like a hot plate, not even like a stove. I think so. I mean, they do make pancakes later, which I'm like, OK, wow. And she does cook dinner. I think it's a nice cabin. I think she's just used to luxury. She's just bougie as shit. I mean, she wears blue rimmed glass. That is true. She does seem pretty bougie. So she has to kind of force her way in. It's a little difficult. She's not seeing the owner. She is seeing down the hill. There's like another cabin and a truck. And she's hearing eventually, as she starts to write, a lot of buzzing noises and things that are disturbing her process. And how could she possibly focus with any outside noise? She's never any of that in New York City. She's going from New York City. She's not used to this kind of thing. I love the introduction of the men. I love that she sits down and we hear this like vroom, vroom, vroom. And she says it sounds like 10 million mosquitoes on steroids. The metaphor. I know exactly what that sounds like. Yeah. They're all juicing into a room. And then she keeps hearing it. And then she goes and sees that there's two men down there. And she describes watching them. The manly way they make nature bend to their will. I thought that was hot as fuck. You rolled your eyes. That's hot as fuck. Oh my god, OK, we get it. I was like an airbender. That was like the first sort of sexy phrasing we heard. And I was like, OK. Yeah, like, I have a tireless airbender. Someone hot. You know, something hot like that series. Don't you think someone bending nature to their will is sexy? Yes. Yeah, totally. Paul Bunyan did that. He created the Grand Canyon. Oh my god, Grandmother Willow's so hot. So she's kind of checking them out down there. But she's also a little irritated by them. And she keeps pushing up her glasses. Because she's uptight, and she doesn't like these forest men. And her glasses don't fit. And she gets her glasses to fit. And she promised this quiet getaway. And so she feels like she didn't get what she signed up for. Yeah. So she takes things into her own hands a little bit. And this is one of those books that switches perspectives. Which I always love. Yes. Which I like. And we kind of jump into Hardy's perspective. Yes. And we get this sensual description. I wrote down the sound of the saw. Sawdust floating like snowflakes. Hard work equals good pay. We're carefully not destroying the world. I like, I was so on board for this. I dug this a lot. They seemed like very kind of eco-friendly lumberjacks. And I was like, damn, we're about to get into it. One of my other favorite parts of this book is when Owen and Hardy are just casually talking about their lumberjacking business, which has been passed on from somebody's great grandfather. I don't think they're related. They're not. No, Owen or no, they're related. We don't know if they're related. We don't know. They're just co-workers and roommates? I guess so. I think they're cousins. It's just the thought I have. It doesn't make me like it more. They said their grandfather. Did it say their? OK. I thought it was just like both their grandpas work together and they just had to be friends because they're like, oh, it's the lumberjack. There's not many other people up there. And the boys cut each other. Well, basically, she comes down to, well, OK, one of my favorite parts of the book is they're talking about lumberjacking. And Owen, they're talking about how they need to keep the business going. Haven't you ever heard of passive income? Why they need to keep the cabin going? They're renting out to someone who's annoying, and why don't they stop doing that? Have you ever heard of passive income, man? It's called Diversify. I think that is incredible. I thought that was good. Isn't it savvy, Owen? I am all for Owen Wilson of this book. He said he wanted to have a vacation rental empire. This is their only property as of now, but you've got to start somewhere. And their first client. And honestly, incredibly. It's already kind of failing. It's already failing. And she's been their tenant. He's a terrible one with all of it. I was so into that. So she calls them out. They start getting into a bit of a confrontation. She's saying, you guys got to keep it down. Hardy, in particular, Owen's kind of the one trying to keep the peace most of the time. But Hardy's the one who's like, you're just an uptight city woman. Yeah, Hardy sucks. And the book gets a little meta, too. It kind of starts to talk about what happens in typical romance novels. Which I found somewhat interesting. I was like, oh, is this going to be the whole book? It's a bit of a meta take. And we're going to subvert the things that usually happen. It doesn't. But you know, sometimes you just read it, and you've got to think some things in your head. And this is the first time we kind of get a little taste of sex. Because Hardy. Hey, God, how dare you. Sorry. Hardy describes seeing her. I wrote Chasse. I'm fairly sure he says tits. But he probably says ass through her coat. Which immediately, here's the thing. As a woman, she is either wearing a pea coat, which is not warm, in the dead of winter in upstate New York, which is crazy. Or he's full of shit, because she's wearing like a Gore-Tex fucking giant marshmallow. I was like, you can't see anything through an actual winter coat for most people. I mean, I think he was, well, I thought he was talking about more that you could see it from the side. You know that when you're like, the booty's so big. I guess the booty is so, if the booty is really that big, I guess so. He does describe it as her big, beautiful ass sways back and forth as she marches back up the hill. Like a duck. Doesn't she fall on a patch of snow and screams, and the first word he uses to describe her is shrill. He's a shrill. Yeah, and I was like, mmm. Very annoying. Great party. It's a bit of a bummer what a jerk. That's why Tom Hardy is playing him. Do you think Tom Hardy's a jerk? No. His name is Hardy. Tom Hardy's probably, is it? Hardy certainly is. Yes, yes. I think Tom Hardy would say this in the role. Like, he would be really good at playing this part. Of course he would, Jessica. Oh my god. Of course he would be. I'm sorry. I guess I was in such a funny podcast. I really love that man. Hardy working. Here's where we get to the good stuff. We get to Owen's chapter. And I love Owen. I will be with Owen. He's sweet. I like him. And one thing that we hear in this chapter that I highlight, I wrote. Read it aloud. She has brown eyes, yes, bitch. That is the second closest or closest we've come to having a person of color as a protagonist, which is so fucking sad. She is certainly white. But at least she has brown eyes and not mystical blue eyes. Like every fucking protagonist in every fucking thing on earth. She has mystical blue glasses, though. She does. And they do. Sorry, Rekha. Yeah. Get out of here with your dumb blue eyes, Jessica. The devil that defies the laws of nature. They recess him. So Mary goes back up to her cabin upset. Owen doesn't want to lose diversifying his portfolio, who among us would. So he goes out to make sure he doesn't get a one star review. He describes her as she's kind of fallen on the floor upset by this encounter. Yes, she's crying in a bowl on the floor. I thought she broke her stream. She broke the handle on her suitcase. I get it. It's upsetting. She described that she writes romantic novels to him. And Hardy basically kind of ridicules her for it. Like, oh, those dumb kind of, what kind do you write? Like Hallmark or Fifty Shades. He shits on Fifty Shades. And he didn't seem to like either. He wants like fucking. If he reads what she doesn't, because she's a man. I think there's a part in it where he's just like, women want to be fucked. That's all they want. He says it a lot. I don't think he's met a lot of women. He's usually philosophical about a group of people he doesn't know. And he says that she doesn't know how to write real men. Because her men are like considerate. Yes, considerate and thoughtful and want romance. And he's like, that's not a real man. A real man will, you know, bend you to your will, like I do with nature. Like I do with nature. So I sort of, I don't know. He wants to treat a woman like a log? We'll tear you down like I do. I was curious, because he kind of implies that no man, even one who are your friends and are being nice, really feel that way. And they just want to fuck you. Which is so boring and stupid. Do you think it's true? Deep down inside? Is that all men wanna fuck me? Wait, are we talking about men? Well, that is true. Yeah, just in particular. Like, yeah. I just wonder, I wish I had the power that Taraji has and what men want. And I wish I just knew for a day, if that is truly what everyone. And if I kind of liked it. Well, I think part of the meta thing that's interesting is like, Hardy is saying all of that stuff. Now we're in Owen's chapter. She's crying. Owen says, she goes, it's stupid, I'm crying. And he goes, it's not stupid if you're crying. Which is one of those male characters that Hardy is saying is not real. That is now being also written into. So he is real. And I, oh my god, Owen, you had me at crying. You had me at hello. You had me at diversifying passive income. You have a man that's about money. And he fixes her suitcase, which is, you know. He's so thoughtful. It seemed really simple in the book. Oh my god, and then he popped it back in. It seems like when the lid pops off of your remote or something, she's like, okay. When she describes getting into the cabin too, she hits it with her elbow, and then she's like, I had such a sense of accomplishment. I'm like, you are a best-selling author. But I yipped in the back. He describes as he's seeing her, which I liked this part. I imagine easing my cock between her full lips, watching it disappear into her mouth inch by inch. So he's fantasizing this. Nothing sexual between them has happened yet besides kind of the chemistry flying. But I just like hearing a man's perspective as to maybe what a blow job would be like. I mean, yeah, we know how I feel about Owen. I love him. We know how I feel. So they have a bit of a moment. Talk about her curve. She's a curvy woman. Which I hope, you know, leave that to your imagination if that means actually curvy or if she's like a size two. With a little boob and butt. Yeah. With a little boob and butt. He might go home and jerk off to the experience afterwards. It's how the chapter ends. I thought that was a great ending to the chapter. I love that, yeah. What a nice. A little cliffhanger. Will he, won't he? Here's an action chapter. Yes, yes, we do have a little bit of action. This book has some romance, some sex, some action. Before we even get to the sexual action, we get into an adventure scene. Oh, this is really exciting. Yeah, she's feeling inspired. She's imagining herself on a La La Land-esque date with Owen. They say La La Land, which she's already reading a book. I thought so too. Yeah, we've lived long enough to see La La Land in a book. In an erotic novel. I thought I'd never live long enough. Well, I guess, yeah, the book must not be too old. Oh my gosh, yeah. No, written in the last year or two. So she's going to write, she's inspired and she's writing a book about lumberjacks. So we're even in a bit of a, you know, going deeper into the meta-hole here. Yeah, she starts writing her hero, which is based off a lumberjack, or is a lumberjack, but she's stunted when it comes to writing the female lead. So that's why she goes on this walk in the woods. Oh my gosh, this is this part. She's too scary. Hardy and she's a bit cranky at him again and he's kind of yelling at her from a distance and she's like, this asshole. She thinks he says he yells at her that he wants to strip her bear. And she's like, he couldn't possibly have said that and she stomps away. Yes, who I'm renting a cabin from, couldn't possibly have screamed that at me from a distance. But she was thinking about it. It was a warning and like, I don't know, there was a giant animal coming at me. Go, go, go. Keep saying, oh no, keep going. I want to hear what happens next. I remember what happens. He doesn't want to strip her bear. There is a bear. There is a bear behind. She sees a brown like flash walk by her. Woman of color. And then it's a bear. A giant bear. Okay, good, good. And she screams because she's so startled by this bear and the bear, I don't know, stands up on its legs. I don't growls at her. I don't want to be that person. But I know bears. A double expert. Nature, bears, same difference. So you don't scream at a bear and just stand there in the book, that's what she did. And then when Hardy came to the rescue, because he's Hardy, he has to. Who else would it be? Owen's gone. And he just starts fighting. He stares down the bear and starts screaming at it. He scares away the bear. I thought he did big loud noises. I thought he'd go, go away! I thought he was supposed to curl up in a ball. I think you have to make it look big. I don't know what you're supposed to say. I thought cougars weren't supposed to be loud. I thought cougars weren't supposed to be big. Cougars? Who has warnings about cougars? I was like, oh, maybe it's in Washington. I thought mountain lions were supposed to be like loud and big and bears were supposed to be, because bears will still come at you, especially if there's like a cup. Wait, this is dangerous. We have two opposing views on how to deal with the bear. You either get really, really small or you get really, really big. I think you make a lot of noise. I don't think you curl up into a ball. He's gonna come and eat you like a tomato. They don't eat bad things. Like a tomato. That's why you're supposed to be dead. Crawl up into a ball. Yeah, I heard that. I think you're dead. Oh, I can't eat this. It's dead. Yeah, bears are like that. No. They're weird. They like to kill her. Did you see the revenant? Oh my god, do not start with that. He goes to town on that man who's, and he's crawling around. He might as well be dead. But he's alive. Okay, either way. When I see a bear, I think it's a house. And so I, like in the revenant, crawl away from it. Diversifying my passive income. Use this bear as a house. This bear was scary. I was chased by a moose one, so anything without animals really gets me. Yeah. So he saves her. What are you laughing about? The next chapter. So she saved, she's very thankful, and she says to thank you, I'm gonna cook you dinner. And at first they declined. They're like, we have food. We don't need your dinner. By we, we mean harder. Oh, and I say. Oh, and would've said yes. Okay, what time Katie Raff and I were hanging out, and I was like, oh, we were near my apartment, and we got ice cream. And I was like, oh, do you guys wanna come back and we can watch a TV, watch something or whatever? And Katie was like, yeah. And then Raff goes, no, I have a TV. That's rude. And I was like, that's rude, Raff. Yeah, I'm not inviting you over for a novel experience. I was like, if you wanna keep hanging out, my apartment is here. Yeah, but is your TV a color television? Are you black and white? It's color, like, it was just so stupid. So you should make fun of Raff for that. So they go to her house. She cooks them a lovely meal. She's telling them a story about a time when she went to a party dressed as a sexy maid at a Halloween party. At a professor's house, by the way. It's a wild party. So she dresses up for the wild party as a sexy maid. She goes, and everyone else is dressed more in, someone's dressed like Dorian Gray. Yes, yes. And we come to find it was an Oscar wild party. Wilder than Eve. And she left, and that was the last of her sexual experiences. The last of her sexual experiences, to be clear, is her wearing a maid outfit to a party. And not even going to the party. Yeah, she never got that very see again. Yeah. At this dinner, as she's telling this story, and they're all laughing and having a good time, she talks about how she makes very good pie. And the pie is, in fact, very juicy. A juicy pie would be bad. A sweet pie. And be a soggy bottom. Yeah, I would never use the word juicy to describe pie. Maybe the inside. Maybe that's what she means. Not too juicy. It's just, it's more wet? I don't know. Juicy to me means when you bite into it, it like bursts. Burts. Maybe that's the pie she's making. Maybe it's like a sloppy pie. You've never had Mary's pie, OK? I made my famous sloppy pie. You want a sloppy pie? Oh, no, don't bring Mary. Berry. I love her. She doesn't need to be here. That's the description. She doesn't have glasses. So Hardy, of course, hearing this story gives her a bit of a hard time. Why don't you let your freak flag fly? Why do you hide behind those glasses? And I keep bringing up the glasses because I resent the whole glasses storyline. As someone who wears glasses, sometimes people just need glasses to see. And they comment on why do you need to wear glasses? I had a YouTube comment one, and it said, what does she think she's doing wearing those glasses? And I went, I'm seeing you, stupid bitch. Are you out of your fucking mind? And even if someone is wearing fake glasses as an accessory, who the fuck cares? It's like you're wearing a baseball hat. Catch this. Here's your fucking argument. I'm about to go to town right now. You know why maybe women wear fake glasses to seem less sexual at their jobs? Why would a woman need to play down her sexuality at her job? Huh? Why would that happen? Go fuck yourself. Oh my god. Everybody, from this podcast, if you get anything, it's go fuck yourself. Oh, it hits me in a way. I'm like, how dare you? I can't even see. How much of me has to be policed right now that I can't even fucking see with my eyes? These sons of bitches. Fuck you, Hardy. Fuck you. Yes. Yes, it's OK. Yes. And then he would just fuck me on the couch. Get that juicy pie. I think you can have both. I think I can wear glasses and be fucked by two men. And that's the kind of 2019 we want to live in. And that's the 2019 I want myself, I want my daughters to live in. Where they could be fucked while wearing glasses. Yes. Because this is going to be passed down. Oh my god, this is Jess's Martin Luther King March on Washington speech. We're all you women out there with glasses. With that wearing glasses. You can get fucked too. My god, we haven't even gotten to the sex in this book yet. We're about to have it. We are right there. Because my favorite part comes in the sex part. Let's get to the sex part. I have it ready. So they get into a bit of a fight kind of like this. Maybe I'm getting heated because I'm thinking about the fight in this book. And then he's like, why won't you do it? And she's like, well, why haven't you kissed me already? You haven't even tried. A nice challenge. Yeah. And they rise to the occasion. They kiss. And then they do it. And she said it's like the best kiss of her life. She's never felt something like that from a kiss before. During it, I just love that Owen's in the back and Hardy's in the front. Always. It's kind of like dogs. And one thing, she said she was scared of Owen entering her front. No, no, wait. Let me talk about it. Sorry, I didn't want to cut you off. I have it right here. Owen hooks his fingers under the waistband of my underwear and tugs it down my ass until it's exposed. He looks a long line at my crack and then dives his tongue in against my forbidden entrance. My head falls back and my body tightens as the sensation overwhelms me. I'll tell you why this part gets me. Bitch, it's an asshole. Just call it an asshole. Not a forbidden entrance. I'll call it an entrance. There was a password to enter. I'm all twice not forbidden in this book. They go in there all the time. Owen shows his tongue 20 times. It's their fucking diversified extra room. Yes, diversified that beauty hole. It's the beginning temple. Yes, they got to put the shrine of the silver monkey together in her asshole. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. And then there's a temple guard that comes out. Another thing about her forbidden entrance, when Owen starts putting his dick inside of it, she's like, he starts just kind of going in softly and then all of a sudden it's right in there. Is that not dry as fuck? That's not how it works. You had no lube? It just went right in. She said he's huge. It happens often. They love describing, it's my first time with something in my butt and he was gentle at first and then instantly like pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. And she's never taken it up the ass before. Yes. So I was like, yeah. Yeah, for sure. This book, more than any other, read to me like a porn transcript once it got to the sex. It was very much, and it was like, I didn't mind that. Yeah. But it was so much more, it was like porn that I would watch. It was like, oh yeah, fuck me, yeah, all right. But more than other books where it's like, and then he touched the curve of my buh, buh, buh, buh. It was so hella bareback. It was just like, yeah, no condom just coming straight in. Oh, there are no condoms in any of these books. This was the nastiest thing I read in any of the books. Both penetrate her at the same time, making her moan like a feral animal. Yes, and she talked about that a few times, like her animal instinct. She just couldn't keep in the sounds she was making. This bitch is primal. But it was, she's feral animal. Someone just tried to be like a feral animal? She is an unfriendly cat on the screen. That's sick. Ah! Yeah, those cats scream nasty too. And she's in the heat and she's ready. She takes that energy and she's like, ah! Maybe that's what they like, you guys, okay? And the guys never had a conversation about fucking her together. It just kind of happened. Definitely not their first time. Yeah, definitely not their first time. What is that between the two men? These books never go into that too. What does that say about that? The sex? Well, they're children. The children don't talk to each other now. Was always from her perspective. It was always in the Mary chapters. And I wanted either Owen or Hardy's perspective of the sexual encounter. And they're like him being like, I didn't want to touch Owen's cock. Or whatever. A part of it that gets him off is like, and then I looked over and he was doing this and I saw his like shining cats. Yeah, they obviously get off on that because he bosses her around. He's like, you're gonna suck Owen's cock right now. Yeah. So he's, they're into it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I would love, you're absolutely right. I would have loved to have heard it from their perspective and hear what they're taking him. Another thing at the end, when they're done and they're like in this tangled web of each other's limbs, she's like, all I care about is them. And all they care about is me. And when I read that, I was like, yeah, right. You just like. I was definitely reading it and I was like, I need to learn more about this because I felt bad that I was just like, how does she do this? Like, I feel like I would fight all the time. I would do all this. And I was like, oh, I guess there are couples that are like sharing. There are people in relationships like this and it works for them. And I'm like, they work, let me look for it. I love it. I'm there for it. I think that's valuable to see in Veronica, but I do agree with Annie that like, only in so far as like everybody's viewpoint is valuable because it is very typical to see just the hetero sort of part of them. Right now it's more just they adore me as opposed to like, if we're a unit that functions all together, yeah, what are you two men to each other? And what do we all get out of this relationship? And the dynamic. Then they have pancakes. This is a little off topic, but I did appreciate that she has like a little bit of a belly that they talk about. I do wonder like what the fuck that means because we were saying we think this is a male author or at least not a woman or non-binary author. And I appreciate a good stomach jiggle. I do wonder, I'm like, okay, but what do you think a stomach is? Do you think like, or like, is it a stomach? Is it like, is it a stomach? You know, that's what I wanna know. But I appreciate it. I was here for just the nod to a stomach. And that shows how much that like it's sad because I'm like, I just need like that one little affirmation that like, it's a stomach, that it's a woman that has like, she's sick. And they've mentioned it a few times. She talks about it and the men also talk about it like as they like stroke her belly. Yes, truly. Representation is so important. I mean, important. We even said she is the closest to a woman of color because she had brown eyes. That's very sad. I am pulling from the bottom of the barrel, people. It's also the opposite of my life experience. Like most people I'm with have a little something. And then when the very few times someone has been more ripped, I'm like, whoa. And you're screaming like a feral cat. Meow. Damn, I'm so sexy. Meow. Sorry, anyone listening to this and it's upsetting your animals at home or maybe not upsetting them. Pet play. So they spend the night nice. They make some pancakes. She still has a little bit of writer's block and she thinks she's made a mistake and they're like, well, let's just chill and be friends. We don't have to do this. Let's go frolic in the snow together. So they all go tobogganing. The to this scene where they're in this like, you know, beautiful winter escape, you know, with the sled and everything. And she's saying like, I never saw them in this light before. I kind of imagined that scene in Beauty and the Beast where it's like, there must be something there that wasn't there before. Like, she's like, I had no idea that these guys could be so sweet and playful. I just thought they were burly lumberjacks. And so she's like, you know, and I don't know, the winter. I love that. Yeah, Jess Clements, you're freaking out this scene. I'm freaking because I was like, and then also Beast Burly is Hardy and Owen. Beast is both, thank you. And like Belle loves books, Mary writes books. I'm just saying. Annie is onto something and we need to get into it. This is why we have experts here. And then all the plates and cutlery they were using. All the plates and cutlery they fought. It was Lumiere. It all makes sense. They fucked that plate and that candlestick, she shoved up her ass. That was Lumiere in her forbidden entrance. Coxworth, not Coxworth. You used Lumiere to see into the forbidden entrance. Annie said it's Coxworth, not Coxworth. Instead of Chip, it's, Chip and Dale. It's Chip, it's Cock. Cock. So, but of course they can't keep their little cold mittens off each other. They start doing it outside, which doing it in the snow does not sound like anything I'd wanna do. She said she really liked, does she like the brisk wind? Maybe it's great. Ooh. Which I was like. Oh, on her nips. On nips, good. I feel that burnal. Also, whenever they all start fucking, she's always standing up. And they're taking her from both sides. And what happens, she was like, I straddled my step wider so that they could eat me out or whatever. But I was like, why are you always standing up when you fucked them? Because I think double penetration is harder when you're lying down. I guess you would have to be a little more to one below you. We need a one behind. We can't really figure this out. I did like in this scene, they finger her and then have her take a little taste and she describes it as slurping off my honey. Yes. And oh, you don't like that. No one can see this. Our cameraman does not like that. He hates it. But I like it. It was my favorite description of vaginal secretion that I've heard yet. I also just really like honey. Yeah, honey tastes really good. Yeah, honey's just yummy and it's good for your allergies, so. And one on one. Fun fact, when Winnie the Pooh's eating all that honey, it's actually vaginal secretion. I read a book where someone referred to it and I was like, milk? And I was like, I don't like that. No. I was like, I don't like that. Milk is not from your vagina. Yeah. And it's actually coming out of your vagina. That to me is like, oh, you have a yeast infection. Yeah, it's bad. You shouldn't be fucking two lumberjacks. Milk. Okay, so if honey comes out of my place, it's fine. It's actually great. It's really good for you. Okay. And I also described her pussy as shaved. Yes, I was about to say that. Which I was like, okay. And a sweet pie. Yeah, well, and I was kind of like, it's the dead of winter. She's not romantically involved with anybody back in the city. So I was like, you have a shaved vagina. People can remove their hair for whatever reason. But I was like, who are you shaving it for? Because that's it. For herself. Yeah, I keep it childlike for myself. I just enjoy myself that way better. I just like it. And I love the itchy, awful feeling of when it grows back. Oh, damn. Yeah, wait a minute. What is she thinking? I love throwing out my razor every time I'm finished because it's just destroyed with hair. Absolutely, with curls. That's insane. So they eat each other out, suck fuck all that. She rips off her glasses. Oh, I loved this line. So many good lines in this one, I will say. I want to see the real you princess, the dirty slut who wants two fat cocks inside her at the same time. I want to look in your eyes while you gag on my 10 inches. Hardy wants her to stay. But what will people think? Weird flex, but okay. 10 inches is a lot. Not that much. Oh. Oh my god, not that much. So it's almost a ruler. Remember when we were talking about having sex with a guy who's eight feet tall? I know, I was like, ooh, Andre the Giant told me more. Not that much. I almost feel like, I almost feel like pain just talking about it. Does this get edited? No. Ooh. No. Ah! I truly mean it. I can only go off what the guy says his inches is. How would I ever know otherwise? You're going to pull it up tall. Just comments. A ruler is like this big. My pussy's like this deep. No, I'm trying. And they are girthy too. It's like this. Oh, that's true. They are girthy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Absolutely. She talked about their girth. She said Owen was slender. It's like a fucking polenta log or something. Well, she at one point describes Owen's dick as swaying back and forth like a pendulum. And that, I laughed out loud because I'm imagining it like swaying back and forth. Now that's Cocksworth. Oh, that is that. That is Cocksworth. You're, hold on to this. Put it in the back pocket. These guys, I'm telling you. We're going to go sell her on Amazon. Jesus Christ. Me and Eddie Cleveland. They have wonderful sex, but she's a bit conflicted now. This just isn't who she is. She's a woman who wears glasses. She doesn't fuck cocks. Yeah, she's not the type of woman who has sex with two men. Definitely not. She's never shared a man. And she's- Absolutely. Or shared men. She didn't share a lot, yeah. She loves having both of them. The New York Times, that same morning after all of this has happened, has written just kind of a thing about her, not a book in particular. You know how the New York Times does. They kind of review people. Just about how great she is in general and how her books are ones you can share with your daughter. But that's not the life she's leading. She's living a life of a woman without glasses. And she decides to drive off and leave the boys. Not tell them. Right. But on her drive, something happened. Something horrible happens. She starts hearing like a rumbling and then an avalanche happens, can you believe? If all on her car. All of the incidents that are just like random and like, oh no, there's so many of them. Nature is punishing her. The avalanche really threw me for a loop. I was not expecting that. Yeah, an avalanche? It crushes her car. Yeah. And she screams Owen Hardy, but they obviously can't hear her. Because she's stuck under an avalanche and she's down the road. And then is it Owen that wakes up? Or Hardy wakes up? Because I think it was so beautiful that he wakes up in the morning and he doesn't see her there. And then he curses her name. He goes, I knew what I had to do. I had to piss. And they said that specifically, which maybe from a male, maybe like a man would read this and be like, wow, I'm so glad that they mentioned this. It's really real. Because this feels really real. It's really relatable. I was just like, I don't care. The coffee's spurting. So you have to piss. I wrote down the coffee thing too. The coffee's spurting. There was just a paragraph of that. There's no water left. I was like, what the fuck? When he's like, I don't even wait for it to finish. It's brewing. It's still spurting. But I take a sip anyway. He's so hot. I just put my mouth under it like a fucking slush. Ooh, he has no taste buds and I'm here for it. He's like, I need the caffeine. I got that pour over into my mouth. And then he hears the avalanche or he feels it. And he's like, Mary looks outside the window. Her car is gone. He shakes Owen awake. Who's going to go find her? What does that much sound like? I guess just like. Poop, splat, yeah, poop, splat. Also, Owen's so dizzy coming out. And then Owen changes. Owen turns. He gets mad because he thought him and Mary had something special. Him, Hardy and Mary had something special and couldn't believe she just tried to leave. So they both get pretty mad at her. Their feelings are hurt. In an unreasonable way. She couldn't want to get groceries. They don't even know. They don't fucking know. She's been so funny. She's like, I'm from Starbucks. First thing her out. And then Hardy realizes. Well, they rescue her. They do rescue her. And Hardy realizes, because I wrote, Hardy shows growth. He realizes he does not just like her in one way. It's not to fuck her or share her, but to talk to her. Those are the feelings he's feeling for the first time. The three emotions. Yeah, fuck, share, talk. Also, when they dig her out of the car, they break the back windshield. And she's been passed out there screaming her name. They think she's dead. Well, there's no thought through it. And then all of a sudden, she wakes up and they're like, can you climb out the back? And she's like, yeah, I've got it. And she climbs out. I'm like, you were just knocked unconscious by an avalanche. And they're like, do you think you can get out on your own? And he just like pushes her ass out. She needs to go to the hospital. And she had blood dripping from her head. She like, let's not forget that he left Owen in the car. And Owen had to pull himself out. Yeah. Owen can take care of himself. Owen was like, OK, don't wrap my hand. They also check out her ass while she's passed out. Like, even then, they're like, ooh, and her perfect ass. Her perfect, tight ass. They really loved her ass, so. They called it tight all the time. It was awful. That's really great. They go back to the house. They kind of settle things. And then they make love for one last time on the aisle. Wait a minute. They fight first. The kitchen island. They fight, and did we mention her glasses break in this accident? And she is really, the Horcrux is released. The one thing they, when they're making up, they're like, how could you leave us? And she's like, I'm sorry. This is where I need to be. They say they're falling in love with each other. They like, both prop her up on the corner of the kitchen counter. And she says to them, I need to fuck. And I just thought that, like, she was like, I whimpered it out. I tried to sound demanding, but I sounded like I was whining. Oh, and get up here, and you need to suck your thoughts. I try to sound commanding, but it comes off desperate. I was waiting for her at one point to like, take charge. I wanted her to like, do more of a 180, and be like, you. There. Like, you know. That's true. That would have been me. I wanted her to take charge. I would have fully got off if she did. Yeah. Oh, but we were just part of it. I was part of it. Stopped myself. And if these penises were like, twice the size. Yeah, like maybe 20 inches. Maybe a yard. I regret what I said. Maybe like, a full-on hoagie type situation. And then maybe like, two feet wide, or something. The chapter ends, this is where I belong, where I'll always stay. And then we have an epilogue of twin boys chasing each other, laughing. Twin sis. And she's pregnant with another child. Oh, the baby boys. Oh, yes, he is. Are we into a zoom? These twin boys will go off and be just like, Hardy and Owen? I guess so. I imagine this is like, it is possible, but it's very rare to happen that one of the twins was Owens, and the other one was Hardee's. Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what I thought. Which can't happen. It can happen. Very rare. But biologically possible. Your artificial insemination of like, a two? No, I think you can, like, if you have sex with two guys, and they finish inside of you, like, really close together. So it's finishing in her ass. That's true. Maybe a drip. But every now and then, from the bud, with enough true love, in the bud, you can be impregnated. If there's enough nut in the bud. Great. Enough nut in the bud. We never hear, though, about she stays in the woods with them forever. And we never hear about what she told people. It's also like, she can't ever go back to New York City. They didn't ever want to live her life. That was her fake self. Her fake self, for that point up to her life, was all pretend. And now, her real self had like, 10, 20 vision. Her real self was like, 25, 20 vision. She's Jekyll and Hyde. Yeah, she now writes erotic novels, not romance novels. And her fans have accepted that that's who she is. And that's shared by Lumberjacks. Perfect. What did we think? Our scale, just so you guys know, as our guests, is usually dry as a desert to flip it off my chair. So like, one to five. OK. Just from like, a sexual, or like, as literature. You can learn to give it multiple. I rated it on monster sex and human sex. So I had different numbers for both. So it's whatever you want. I'm going to give it, I think, a 3.5. Because I kind of wanted there to be some sort of conflict where like, she goes off just with Hardy, or goes off just with Owen. And I wanted, it was always the three of them. I thought I was going to get that conflict, but it never did. But I give it a 3.5. I liked it. So thank you, Eddie Cleveland, for writing this book. And as someone who maybe relates so much to the lead character as well. Now, you are wearing your glasses today. Yes, I am wearing them. I thought it would help me channel Mary. I don't always wear these. It's not because you're feeling like, sort of prissy and uptight today. Well, I always feel that way. OK, cool. I just was like, wondering where your real self was. I mean, I'm my true self when I take these off. But I can't do that in the work, you guys. Now this makes sense. I'm at work. I kick it wild and crazy. That's so inappropriate. They just asked me that. Jessica? On the scale? Yeah. I guess I feel like, after reading it, I'm like a water park slide that's been off for four hours. Oh! You know? Like, I can still make it down. It's not the way. Wait, what do you mean you can still make it down? Because it's a slide. I mean, due to gravity, I'm still going to go. Then it's going to hurt. Right. Yeah, it might hurt. But I mean, I'm going to land in the water. I don't think water park slides are made to be slid without water. But you can still go down. It still exists. It hurts. It still exists. You can still gravity. Oh, and Mary and Hardy don't use lube either. Yeah, that's true. Ooh, I'm halfway there. Incredible. And how about the lumberjacking in the book? Any thoughts on that? Accuracy. We didn't touch on it that much. But I did like when they switched from the vroom, vroom, vroom chainsaw to like a normal axe. Oh, yeah. They do make that funny for her because it's less noisy. That's right. I also do, I don't know if they talked about what kind of trees there were. Because you guys know I'm a tree expert. Yeah, I didn't know. I'm guessing they're taking down some sequoias or red wood. One thing I thought was missing is that there was no penis log metaphor. I was waiting for her to talk about one of their logs entering her forest. And it, it, I can't get it. Her forest is carrying her incinerator. Yeah, she's the Amazon after palm oil. What are you for, Gully? Stop it. Toxic love. What do you guys give it? Well, I'm going to say coming into this first three or four chapters, I was at like a five. I was in for it. Damn. I was like, oh, this is the best one. But then it pretty quickly kind of just dropped off. And I would say, because like even the beginning and the sex was like, I liked it. But then it just kind of got like repetitive and like shiny. So I think it dropped off to like two and a half to me. There's just so much you can do. I feel like you could do more. But I feel like I just stayed at like, we're going to keep it here. I'm on a two and a half, too. I wish more would have been done with the lumberjacking, because I was very surprised by how sexy much I like those sounds that they were talking about. Just the vrrrr. And her like seeing it, and them like shaking, and the dust flying. I wish it was like, oh, come watch us do this. And then we'll all do it, because we're also hot from lumberjacking all day. They just kind of lumberjacked once, and then we never saw it again. They had a snowball fight. That was a deadline. Did they meet it? They were talking in the book. They were like, we have a deadline for these trees. We need to keep cutting them. Oh, my fucking god. Now I'm going to be stressed the whole day. Did they meet it? I'll read it, and I'll let you guys know. I'll go on the Discord. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I'm realizing that I didn't write down the author's name for our next book. I think it's OK. We can put it in the Discord. We'll put it in the Discord for you guys listening and reading along. It is called Stress Treatment. It's a lesbian medical erotica. We haven't yet touched that genre yet. Yes, we haven't had any doctors or books just dedicated to solely lesbian characters, so I'm very excited for this one. A doctor's office is not as sexy for me, so I'm interested to see if this gets me a little hotter the next time I'm at the doctor. When you get your physical. I'm the next time I get my spine, a scoliosis. But that is, I believe, called Stress Treatment. I apologize that I didn't write it down, but we'll have that in the Discord. And thank you so much to our guests for being here. Thank you so much. It was so fun, dude. And thank you for being here. Have a wonderful, sexy week. Please. And we'll see you soon. Please. Remember, this is like 12 inches. This is like a ruler. Oh my god, whatever. Please just be careful about this. We're not being really careful. Dare to be different. Yeah, that's what I can't say it's about.
TheBetootaAdvocate	INTERVIEW_Thomas_Mayo_Indigenous_Voice_Part_1	You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show special episode this week. You've got myself Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman here as the host and the interviewers and this week's interviewee is a man that was very kind enough to join us. He's obviously a bit busy right now if you've been reading the news cycle and seeing what's happening in the news. Thomas Mayo, thank you for joining us. I don't know where to introduce you from. Thomas Mayo from the MUA, Thomas Mayo from the Uluru Dialogue, the Uluru Statement, Thomas Mayo from Darwin. Oh, it's still a bit of everything around the place, you know, but I started off as a simple Warfie back when I was 17 years old. Now I kind of want to talk about that. So are you still involved in the union movement as an assistant secretary or? Yeah, I'm the assistant national secretary, just recently elected. So that's what I'll be doing after all this madness of the referendum, I'll be going back to advocating for workers, you know, negotiating enterprise agreements, doing, you know, safety and, you know, disputes, all those sorts of things, just helping out. But also, you know, in the tradition of the union movement in this country, continuing to do bits and pieces for social justice, and yeah, that's what we do. So I was reading that you're part of producing the Uluru Statement from the Heart. Can you explain more about how it came to be? Yeah, so the Uluru Statement was made on the 26th of May 2017. And it followed 13 regional dialogues, so covering the entire continent and adjacent islands, they were three days each, those dialogues. And it was a unique opportunity, really, because we haven't, we've never had that type of process of bringing indigenous people together from many different backgrounds and experiences and perspectives, region by region, covering the entire continent. And having an informed discussion, looking back at the history of everything that we've tried before, you know, all of the different statements and petitions that had, you know, that precede the Uluru Statement, such as the 1930s petition to the King by William Cooper and the Aboriginal leaders of the time. 1963, I'm just giving several examples, was a petition to the federal parliament by the Yolngu people called the Yirrkala Bark petitions, and they were seeking to protect country, their land, because the federal parliament was moving to excise a massive portion of it for a bauxite mine. And they lost that case. They went to the Supreme Court in the Northern Territory and they lost. The decision was part of the precursor to the success of Mabo in the 90s. And the 1972 Larrakia petition to the Queen. We looked at all those moments in history, how they'd all been dismissed and ignored. But also throughout that history, every one of those statements and petitions, they all called for political representation or a voice, you know, just a structure with which Indigenous people could choose representation, hold that representation to account, to have a process of being able to regularly meet and have debate and discussion and work out the priorities that we would go out then in a united way and say, well, these are the solutions and this is the way that we want to be treated, which is, you know, when you really think about it, it's a natural thing for people to do, right? Workers in our unions, councils and business councils, industry associations. We organise structure so people with a common interest can be heard. So we looked at that history. We also considered that there'd been many voices established before. We didn't wait, you know, we take responsibility. There's this great misconception that somehow Indigenous people are different from other human beings and don't love our children enough to take responsibility for ourselves and try and improve our lives. So we established voices in the 1920s, there was the Australian Aboriginal Progressive Association, followed by the Aboriginal Advancement League, the Australian Aborigines League. And then more recently, all these voices are brought in by a feel good government and then cut by a raise of budget in the following government. Is that what happens? Well, so the earlier ones that I was mentioning just then were established by our own means because we were being ignored, right? The government, we called for representation. So we organised it ourselves, but they were either completely ignored or the powers that the authorities had were used to intimidate the leaders just to silence that voice. So they could steal our children all the way up to, you know, the 70s, they could decide who we could marry, they could direct us to work without pay, they could exile us from our country and separate us from our families and put curfews on. You know, people across this country might know of boundary streets in their town or city. Those were the boundaries where there was curfews on us. So those voices... So the Boundary Street, West End, Boundary Street... Yeah, it's still there. They're everywhere. Right? They're everywhere. And it's sort of this reminder in living memory is this curfew that was on us. But you see, those powers were used to silence our voices before. And then the 1967 referendum happened. The most successful referendum that's ever been held, over 90% of Australians voted yes to seeing us counted as citizens for the first time in the census and also to give the federal parliament the power to make special laws about Indigenous people in the race power. So that's still there. There's this misinformation that 1967 saw race removed from the Constitution and made us all equal. Well, that's false. The race power is still there. It's been used only to make laws about Indigenous people since 67. And see, there was this case... Do you have any examples of that? There is this case in the 1990s, I encourage people to look it up, and it's called the Hindmarsh case. And it was Aboriginal people in South Australia trying to protect a sacred site. And there was this back and forth, and eventually it ended up in the High Court. And Aboriginal people argued that the race power, the power to make special laws about any race, should be used to make laws for the benefit of Indigenous people, not to our detriment. The High Court ruled, the decision was, that the race power, so this is still the case today, the race power can be used to make special laws about Indigenous people that are to our detriment. Not necessarily for our benefit. So 67 changed that as well, but it gave us great confidence and government started to establish voices. So here's an important pattern through history. Whitlam established a representative body, then Fraser came in, he got rid of that one. Eventually he established another representative body. Then Hawke got in, he got rid of that one. Eventually he established the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Commission, another representative body. And then Howard came in, he got rid of that one. And we haven't had a proper representative body since. And the gap is widening. We always see, this is the other thing we considered when we had these dialogues, that when we do have a representative body, again a natural thing, right, it's a no-brainer. When people have a voice, we make greater progress. We see better decisions made because we're able to influence those decisions in a proper way. And when we don't have one, things get worse. So the gap was widening at a rapid pace when we went into those dialogues and we're in a crisis really. And just this year, the gap is widening. These are the dialogues in Uluru that it was at a crisis point where you basically called, when you say 13 regional dialogues, you mean people from different country or people from different, you know, I mean, were you representing the trade union movement? Who was representing what? No. Yeah, I wasn't representing the trade union movement. I was an advocate in my community trying to get better decisions, you know, improve our lives. And that's how I ended up being invited to it. The dialogues were, to describe it, it was 100 participants at each. And that wasn't to exclude anybody. It was to ensure that with a formula applied, there was a cross section of views and perspectives. So the idea was, if we just had an open invitation, it might be the loudest of our people, you know, that are used to being heard, dominating and skewing the results. So there had to be space for the quieter advocates, the healers, those types of things. So there was a range of perspectives. Yeah. A range of approaches. Yeah. Or understandings of how we can achieve things. Because the loudest voices in the room, for example, the loudest voices in the room end up in parliament. You know what I mean? So that's what we get. That's how you get elected as a local member, you're the loudest voice in the room, you make the most noise. And that's usually not the most helpful thing, is it? Yeah. So one part of the formula was to ensure that the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people that are delivering frontline services for mental health, to do work in the health profession, those types of people that are dealing with domestic violence and things like that in our community. So we needed to ensure that they were part of coming up with this proposal for the next step forward. And what we came up with was this idea of constitutionally enshrining a voice. Because you know, as I said, post-67, these voices were established and before that, and they've always been silenced. We make better progress when we have a voice, we go backwards when we don't. So the proposition for this referendum to constitutionally enshrine a voice has come from Indigenous people ourselves through that process. And it is informed by our history, and as I said, it's just common sense that a people should have a structure to speak coherently, rather than politicians choosing what Indigenous person is speaking for Blackfellas today, you know? Because they always represent their party and their political aspirations, not the community. Everyone's got a future. Everyone except, you know, the people on the ground. The question I have is, the argument that would be made, and probably I would say probably the most sensible and moderate argument being made by the, you know, the Liberal Party's No campaign is, there are elected, and some would almost argue, almost an over-representation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people elected into parliament. When you look at the population of Australia, I mean, I'm not sure what the number is now. It changed rapidly the last election. It bumped up. Yeah, it changed rapidly. That's a good point. It can change rapidly to bump up, and it can change rapidly to go down. So the voice is about consistency of Indigenous people having a voice. Next election, we may have zero in parliament. So you know, there should always be the ability for communities to speak to the solutions that they have and how to improve policies about housing and health and education. But the other thing, it goes to a point I mentioned earlier, which is, politicians are politicians, right? And if they're Labor or Liberal, that's who they represent. They represent blue, red, or green, or even if they're independent, they're representing their own interests and their own political aspirations. The TLMPs aren't necessarily beating the drum for what's happening in Tennant Creek, are they? Yeah, look, and I think the main point here is, this really cuts down to the motivation of politicians. They represent electorates that are mostly non-Indigenous, right? We're only around 3% of the population spread across over 170 electorates. We're just a very tiny minority, electorate by electorate. And so each member of parliament represents an electorate. And you know, so Indigenous matters, how to resolve our issues is always a very low priority. Lastly, of course, as I mentioned earlier, they represent their political party. So would you say the reason we need to go to a referendum for a voice is to constitutionally enshrine not only, you know, there's that as well to this, you know, to this referendum, there's recognizing Indigenous people, but there's also the idea of constitutionally enshrining a voice into our constitution, because so far, any attempt at this has been slashed for either a budget or political point scoring. That's right. It's always been removed. We always use like a political football. And it's about consistency. And if we were to only legislate this voice, you know, some have argued, why have a referendum? Parliament can, you know, legislate a voice anytime. There's an argument, you know, that we should separate out constitutional recognition and just have a vote on that because most Australians support that and separate that from a voice and just legislate the voice. Well, I think most Australians agree that people should be listened to when decisions are made about them. So I think most people would have support the voice. But you see, Indigenous people know from that history, that if we only legislate the voice, we're setting it up to fail. And that's wasteful, you see, you know, all of these times that governments have established a voice and then the next one takes it away. That's wasteful. You know, money is spent on doing that, hopes are built, and then they're destroyed. Well, how do you feel now watching the point scoring? Did you expect this? We worked really hard to convince all sides of politics about this. And we have, to a certain extent, we have supporters like Julian Lisa, you know, who actually resigned his position on the front bench of the coalition. He was the Shadow Minister for Indigenous Affairs and also the Shadow Attorney General. So, you know, a huge step, you know, a huge commitment. Andrew Gee out there in Orange. Resigned from the National Party. Resigned, like he's not even in there. Yeah, because he supports this. You know, so we have support across the political spectrum. But sadly, for all of the work that we did on trying to bring the entirety of the coalition along with us, they've chosen to use this as a opportunity to try and take some bark off elbow, you know, using it as a political gamesmanship, basically, which is, I think, disgraceful. Bad faith, is it? It is, it's disgraceful. You know, what we're talking about here, to really cut down to what this is, what we're saying yes or no to, is recognising Indigenous people, which we should have done long ago, as you know, as said, you know, this is something that all Australians, most Australians would support, recognising Indigenous people are here. But doing it in a way that gives us an advisory committee. It's just an advisory committee. And what does the voice look like to you? We did a story on Batu the other day. Is there going to be the assorted creams, the Arnott's on the table? Is there a big tin of Nescafe kind of blend 48? What does it look like to you? I mean, that feels like a big part of the problem with where the misinformation thrives is because people can't physically visualise this. Is this just a room for the elders in Parliament House? It's just an advisory committee. We've got all sorts of representative bodies in this country. We're a democracy, you know, representation, as I mentioned, there's so many. But this is what we're voting. The reason why I really stress this is what we're voting for is because that is what we're voting for. We're not voting for a model. OK, so have you seen the Constitution? Yeah, it's that big. Yeah, it's the size of a passport. It's like this tiny little book. And it doesn't contain all of the mechanics of how we do things as a country. And that's because it just has the top level things, right? It sets up the institutions like the High Court and the powers that Parliament has, such as the power to make laws for the collection of taxes. It doesn't say how much tax, it doesn't say where the tax commissioner is and where the office is. You know, it gives the Parliament the power to make laws for the protection of the country, for the defence of the country. It doesn't say how many tanks and how many bases or it sets up. Everything's reformable. Yeah, that's right. It gives it flexibility. The Constitution is just what the Parliament should do. And then we elect the Parliament to decide everything else, even for elections is a good example. It just basically says that there should be elections. It doesn't have how many members of Parliament. Say this referendum is successful, and then Parliament gets to decide what it looks like from there. Is that what you're saying? That's right. And we elect the Parliament. So we hold them to account to get that right. And if they don't get it right, then they can change it, otherwise they don't get elected again. Yeah, so it's not like Peter Dutton wins the next election and Warren Mundine and Jacinta are now The Voice. Is that like, you know, is there fear of that happening too? Look, that would be not consistent with what the Australian people want. And so the Australian people would then judge a Parliament that doesn't establish genuine representation. OK, so what we're voting on is recognition and that there shall be a body to be called the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander voice. And I'm paraphrasing what the change to the Constitution is here, because it's only 92 words. Why don't I start from the top? In recognition of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the first peoples of Australia, one, there shall be a body to be called the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander voice. Two, the voice may make representations to the Parliament and executive government on matters relating to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. And three, the Parliament decides all matters relating to the voice, including the composition, powers, functions and procedures. So that's basically what we're saying yes or no to. You know, again, recognition and a voice so that Indigenous people can have an advisory committee so that we can be listened to. Do you think that this is actually like a wet dream for the Liberals if they allowed themselves to embrace this? Do you think this could create a smaller government? Do you reckon this could remove a fair bit of bureaucracy between what's happening in the streets and in the communities and, you know, what gets to the politicians and the legislators and the lawmakers? Yeah, this would be hugely efficient, you know, and it would actually stop waste. It would save taxpayer dollars. We're not creating a whole new layer of bureaucracy here. We're creating a means to hold the bureaucracy to account, to call out waste. I mean, Indigenous people, and I want people to really think about this, you know, as I mentioned before, we love our children like anyone else. You know, we take responsibility and it's the reason why we're calling for this change. So therefore, we don't want to see money wasted in Indigenous affairs. We don't want to see taxpayer dollars not reaching the ground, not reaching the people that need the services, you know, to improve our lives and to heal from all of the traumas that we carry from so many bad policies and such a dark history of mistreatment of our people, the massacres, the stolen generations, in living memory again. So we would be calling out waste and we would be promoting programs and policies that work well, because we want change, you know, we want change. Obviously, you can't speak on behalf of everyone, but I've seen a lot of distasteful content on news sites and social media. Like, what's the general, like, mental health-wise at the moment? I feel like it would, this is very damaging. I'm looking forward to this being done, because it really, you know, the vitriol, has been really harmful. And the dishonesty as well from some, you know, from the No campaign, telling people that they're going to try to scare people, you know, which brings out fears that then brings out this reaction towards some of us, towards any Indigenous person, actually, it's been that bad, you know, and I don't blame people that have been caused to be fearful. My parents, I did the phone call the other day, and they've definitely been reading all the news sites, and it's hard to explain that it is all just scare campaigns. Yeah, and I don't blame them, because you see, this is a great challenge that we have in this campaign, is that there are very few Australians, actually, that actually have an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander friend. You know, as I mentioned, we're only around 3% of the population. We're pretty much unknown. And so, you know, this fear, I can understand that people have been a cause to fear something by the dishonest No campaign, but I really want people to understand and also help people like, you know, mothers and fathers and uncles and friends that might be believing what they're hearing, that there is nothing to lose. It's an advisory committee. Yeah. You know, so when you hear about losing your backyard or Indigenous people setting interest rates or putting extra rent on people. The billionaire Aboriginal elites, that's been a new one I've discovered. Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's rubbish. You know, it's an advisory committee. Don't be taken for a mug. You know, they are trying to pull the wall over your eyes. Yeah. It's an advisory committee. It just, it is all about seeing solutions from the ground, reaching the decision makers. And if the decision makers say no to what the voice advises, they can do that. They can ignore that advice. But the voice itself will then make sure that Australians understand, hey, we did the hard work. We come up with these brilliant solutions. They ignored it. You know, in maybe months or years down the track when things have gotten worse because they ignored that advice, then the voice will be saying to the Australian people, you know, your representatives have failed us. And we want you to think about that at the ballot box. And that concludes part one of the Batutah Advocates interview with MUA officer and Indigenous leader Thomas Mayo. Make sure you tune back in next week where we discuss his upbringing, his work in the Maritime Union and the conspiracies currently being peddled about him and his family in the lead up to the Indigenous Voice Referendum.
SaturdayNightLive	kristen_wiig_visits_her_old_snl_dressing_room	I'm finally home. And the best part of being home? Returning to your childhood bedroom or in my case, dressing room. Lauren promised they'd always leave it just the way I left it. Oh, I can't wait to see all my old wigs! My favorite costumes! My good luck Tech! Have you not played this to your right? I'm doing good though. look Res Me then if you're doing so good. Oh hey, Christine. Lauren said we could have your old room. Yeah, you like what we did with the place? Yeah, it's great. It's gonna be a long week. Mama's back you little it's gonna take my stuff. Oh thank you, she took the trash up. Christine, thank you for that Christine wig. Christine left it. Oh, I can't wait to see all my old wigs! My favorite costumes! My good luck Tech! Have you not played this to your right? I'm doing good. look Res Me then if you're doing so good. Oh hey Christine Lauren said we could have your old room. Yeah, you like what we did with the place? Yeah, it's great. It's gonna be a long week. Mama's back you little it's gonna take my stuff. Thank you, she took the trash. Christine, thank you for that Christine wig Christine.
dropout	Don_t_Correct_Me_if_You_re_Wrong	And that's why I don't really like to look at my hands unless I have to. Katie, in your mind, how worried do you think I am about the rate at which you check your hands? Lunch is here! Lunch! Thank you! Ugh, I forgot to ask for hot sauce. Raph, may I borrow yours? Uh, I don't know. Can you? What? It's...can I? Yeah. Where's your brain? In your butt? Yeah, in your butt. No, it's definitely may I. Really? Yeah. You're being really condescending right now, but you're the one who's wrong. Hmm... Yeah, I'm gonna look it up. Yeah, you gotta look it up with this guy! What do you mean, with this guy? Oh! Ha! See? Yes. I was right! This guy has a bodybuilding for him? These people are strong. They know what they're talking about. The brain is a muscle, Teo. They work out their muscles. Yeah. Not like you. This is so uncalled for. You know, like, I didn't drive down here just to be insulted by it. Drive? Yeah, drive. In a car. But you said this morning your car AC was broken. Oh, yeah, that's right. You did say that. She caught you in the line. So I drove the windows down. The wind in my face. Oh, idiot! You keep the windows rolled up to seal the hot air out? Yeah, think about it, you idiot! That doesn't make any sense. And why are you guys being such monsters? Pretty much regular Frankensteins. Ah, ah, ah. Whoa! That is incorrect. Yes, you're right. Famous misconception. What? Okay, you know what? Just let me eat in peace. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Rude. That's fine. I just hope my pork was cooked all the way through. You mean through? Cooked through? No, through-ow-g. Through-ow-g. Through? You're not finishing the word. The GH is silent. It's through. Oh, I see. What is it? He's thinking of the author. Oh! You're thinking of the author! No, I'm not thinking of the rogue, the author. Like a baseball? What? No! No, no, no. You're so stupid. Want me to eat with a knife? Oh, tayo, tayo, tayo, tayo. What? We want to chew with our mouths open. See? Like this. Look, look. Exactly. Just do like Katie. Yeah. A lot of brains. Idiots. Frankenstein's temper. Shut up! See? She's enjoying her food. Not like you, but brains! Tayo, live with your bad. No! Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me.
TheOnion	Study_Human_Imagination_Capable_Of_Magnificent_Things_During_Masturbation	A Princeton University study published in the New England Journal of Medicine this week confirmed that human imagination is capable of magnificent and awe-inspiring things during masturbation. After monitoring the neural activity of 500 volunteers of varied age, ethnicity, and formal education levels during self-stimulation, researchers say they were able to study the full and virtually limitless potential of the human mind. Our research shows that subjects in states of onanistic pleasure can transport themselves into fantastical worlds that they couldn't access under normal circumstances. Researchers say the act of masturbation causes activity in the brain's medial prefrontal cortex to spike to astronomical levels, immediately allowing the subject to imagine close friends, past loves, former teachers, or celebrities in elaborate or multi-layered stories of sexual conquest. Our preliminary cognitive tests indicated that this 42-year-old female claims adjuster had almost no artistic or creative inclination whatsoever. However, as soon as she began masturbating, her imagination crafted an entirely mesmerizing environment where she was being orally pleasured by Lionel Richie during a Venetian gondola ride. This brain allowed her to imagine herself and Mr. Richie being transported through the very fabric of space-time to a large bed in some sort of Himalayan mountain range. At this point of the fantasy, Lionel Richie actually becomes four separate Lionel Riches, each penetrating an orifice she doesn't actually have. It's really quite extraordinary. Most impressive were the subject's abilities to look at photos of total strangers and within minutes develop for them an entire slate of personality attributes before visualizing them nude and in the middle of a lifelike sexual fantasy. We showed one of our subjects the image of a woman he's never seen before. Is that correct? Yes, it is. And what happened after you began masturbating? Well, I immediately saw myself in an elevator with this woman, and she was completely naked. And I was anally penetrating her, and then I flipped her over and came on her tits. And this was vivid for you? Oh, doctor, it was like it was actually happening. Despite the amazing neurological capabilities made possible during masturbation, researchers found that after reaching orgasm, the average human's cognitive dexterity immediately declines to that of an ordinary rodent. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops.
dropout	god_s_boss_craig_new_jesus	Hey, what would you say if I told you I'd find the next Jesus? I would say the- Bring him into my office right now. Let me meet him. What? Did we just have mega-same brain? God, I would like to introduce to you... Destiny. Is this your card? No, of course not, idiot. It's mine. Mind blast. That's Destiny's spelled with three X's and ampersand and a small picture of a hydra. No other letters, huh? So you think Jesus' tricks are good? Just wait until you see. Mind blast? Holy crap! Did you see that? Did you see what this magic man just did? So we used the new Jesus to steal Rolexes? Aftermarket retail? Come on, what are we, immigrants? Huh? I don't want to chop some hedges up. I'm thinking TV special. Sign some sponsors. I have a bro-nexion at Under Armour who would just love this guy. Mind blast? Do you see? Do you see what he's doing right now? Craig, look, Jesus' miracles were very helpful to humanity, like feeding the hungry or healing lepers. Why would you want to feed the hungry or heal a cat? I said leper, not leopards. You're saying the same thing twice. Leper and leopard. There's no difference. There is a big difference! One is a cat and one is a human whose limbs fall off. Oh, gross! He's just not right for us. I'm sorry. Well, God, I value your input, and holy grimace and fries, he's flying! He's not flying, he's standing on one foot. What? Look at him! Flying like a bird! Oh, never mind, you were right. Mind blast? Look, I'll admit the guy-liner is a little off-brand for us, but he's kind of a must-hire. What? Me and his dad go way back. Kingsley prep, Lax, Beach Cottage, an MV, and also I ran over his wife and Aspen. Oh, and big time for that. Jump up the pace, jump it up while the groove is jumping. Oh, fuck, hope that was a penguin. You killed Mom? Eustace? I'm handling this, okay? So, God, hate to activate boss mode here, but he's in. Can you get him on payroll by the end of the day? Fine. It's just, you know, fine. I'll find something for him to do. Thank you, God. I really appreciated humongoid favor, I know. This is the only time I'll pull rank this quarter, promise? Right. Also, we're gonna have to fire your hippie stoner son. What?
cracked	swaim_gets_fired	Well, as soon as the boys down at the lab analyze the latest samples, we'll have plenty for a full list, so I'm not even worried. Terrific. Thanks a bunch. Alright. What the fuck? What the hell, man? What the hell? Michael, what are you even doing down there? Nothing, obviously. Huh? These? Never know when you're gonna wake up bone-in. You really should. Huh? They say I don't have those on the east coast. What, desk traps? Women, heard you guys use possum? How... Did you finish your column? Finish it, dude. I don't even know where my desk is. Great. Well, it's running in 11 hours, but don't sweat it too much. Clearly not. On the plus side, my article is going up tomorrow. I forgot to say. Wait, you write for crack, too? That's all I do, Michael. And anyway, tomorrow's article is pretty strong. I've been running this double blind experiment for two months now. I've been monitoring sleep patterns, I've been taking blood tests... Wait a minute. Stop talking for a second. Yeah. I'm sorry, were you gonna talk? No. What? No. Brilliant. Well, all I'm saying is if you just phone in your article tomorrow, I don't... So you write for crack.com? Just go write in your column. Nope. Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. And what's going on here? That's our traffic for today. Those were our articles. We couldn't get that on a spreadsheet? It wasn't even that appropriate. How'd we even get that information? Someone just counter something? Christ. You should ignore that, actually. The batteries are low. Michael, when did you even write your column? Did I write one? Oh, f* me, I guess I did. I have to be about an hour before it ran, I guess. Looks like it did pretty good. Oh, and you've got an article that was on the site. Hey! Oh! T-Bone, are you sure it's that low? Are you calling me a liar? No, sir. Ooh! I have to get some more whiteboard. Hey, Michael. Heard about the great article. Want to grab drinks later? Whatever. Mandy, did you get that boop- Already leaving! Well, I'm gonna go write my next article. What are you doing? No. Please. I have- Just, just please stop looking at me. Just wish you wouldn't look at me. Every day, everything is so damn easy for him. We'll see if a little prank won't change that, won't we? Yeah. Well, well, well, Mr. Highest Rated Article, did you- What the hell? T-Bone, what's- what are you doing here? Oh, you haven't heard. I sit here now. Mike was fired. Fired? Was it because of my prank? Enjoy going out with Mandy without pants, motherfer. That was a prank? Did you know I was born with a third testicle? No, but that makes total sense. It was a conscious decision made while in the womb. I found that two testicles provided weren't roomy enough for my purpose. Man! The first woman I ever made love to was unkind. She mocked me. I was eight years old. Wow. I was devastated. And you know what I did, Michael? Uh-uh. I took a corkscrew. Sure. Slowly, I removed the supplementary testicle. That has gotta be the worst tool to use for that, but keep going, boss. You are flying. And I ate it. She didn't laugh then, Michael. Oh, no. She didn't laugh then. Yup. Your anecdote's giving me a heart attack. Look, Dan, Michael was fired because he was secretly faxing information to our competitor. Broked.com. Michael? I don't know. It's hard to believe, right? Here's a spy all this time. More so that he could operate a fax machine, but yeah, that too, I guess. I've got to... I've got to see about this. Hey, could you take some of this s with you? What I'm saying, Michael, is that you betrayed me. But more than that, you made a fool of me. And the last thing that made a fool of me was removed and devoured. Now get out of my office! Wait a second. You're fired. Turn in your badge and gun. What? I never want to see you again. Understood. Michael, I... Guess you got what you wanted, huh? I'm leaving and you'll be the big star. Is it true? Michael! You've changed. I'm leaving. Whatever. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm a really good listener. I'll never like you that way. Just together enough for that, really? But Michael, why? Why'd you do it? There's maybe no reason. Maybe every reason there is. But know this, Daniel. I did what I did not for cracked, or even for broken, but for a code. A man has to have a code, Daniel. And mine goes up, up, down, down, left, right, A. I'm sorry. Up, up, down... Just f* me. I think I recorded it. I removed the supplementary testimony. My personal code by Michael Swain. Up, down... Wait, up... Hold on, I think I recorded it. Classic. Vintage me. Seriously, Michael. What are you gonna do? I'm going full ronin' on this one. A wander from town to town, starting my own multinational humor outlets. That is a big process, and I don't think you're qualified for any... ANY one aspect of it. I don't believe there is a single step that you can handle. I mean, do you even have a place to stay? I've got a few places in mind. I changed the locks on my part. Why would you... Alright, but... F***! No, it's fine. Remember, Daniel, the sky is only as high as your ambition. What is it called? Is that my desk man? I'll see you in space, Dan. I'm sorry about what I did to your pants! Not this way. I sit here now. I thought we went through this. Hey, T-Bone. Sorry, it's just... Mike couldn't be a spy. I just don't believe it. He said broken.com, not broke, alright? And I know he just has natural trouble with words sometimes, but this feels... No, Dan. It's been a week. You've hardly done anything but mope around this office. Your articles are late. I hate to say it, Dan, but I think you gotta let this one go. Let it go, Dan. Chief! I need to talk to you about Michael. Michael's no longer with us. I know! And I think it's a mistake. I just don't believe... We're soft, whole filthy East Coast rain didn't understand. No one's seen him for days. What? He's presumed dead. Dead? Are you surprised? I'm pretty sure he learned how to eat by watching you. Listen, Dan. Get the fuck out of my office! I know... Oh, oh my god, holy shit! Is this you? Are you doing this? It's just gonna get worse. Holy shit! What the hell happened? The Chief! There's a sorcerer! And I think Michael... Might be dead. Who? Good weekend.
TheOnion	All_Of_Nation_s_Living_Presidents_Gather_To_Lie_About_Bush_Presidency	This week, all of the nation's living presidents gathered in Dallas to lie about George W. Bush's legacy. President Obama opened the public ceremony Thursday morning by evading the truth about the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and Bush's handling of the economy. He was later joined by former Presidents Clinton, Carter, and George H.W. Bush, all of whom chimed in with bald-faced lies about the 43rd president's lasting impact on the country. A study released this week by the National Institutes of Health confirmed that for the 25th straight year, wolf attacks remain the leading cause of death in the United States. The Human Health Agency's findings confirmed that being viciously killed by a ravenous wolf claimed the lives of over 800,000 Americans last year alone, with researchers adding that one person in the United States dies every 40 seconds from a violent wolf attack. Barely two hours into his workday Wednesday, local man Kyle Dunedin reportedly said fuck it and went out to get lunch at 10.58 a.m. Dunedin, who told reporters he can lunch whenever he feels like it because he's a grown man, repeatedly emphasized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with eating food at nearly 11 o'clock. Some people might think I should have waited, but you know what? I don't give a shit. I was hungry. I wanted a sandwich. End of story. And I'm glad I did too, because this is delicious. Also, if I want to eat lunch at 10.30 tomorrow, I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna starve just because everybody else at the office eats lunch at one. And in this week's Op-Ed pages, a duck admits he's been having some pretty fucked-up bread thoughts lately. In other news, Wolf Blitzer decks a Boston man who hasn't been healed by Red Sox baseball. A gun show vendor jokes with an insane customer about how he hopes he's not insane, and Jokhar Sanayev posts bail. What's wrong? Still not enough news for you, sicko? Christ, get yourself together, buddy. If you really need more, keep checking TheOnion.com.
dropout	the_first_ever_collegehumor_comment_show	Hey, welcome to The Comment Show. This is a new show we're doing where we're going to read and respond to all the comments that you've left us at CollegeTumor.com on our YouTube page, on our subreddit, on Twitter, on Facebook. We get tons of comments on our videos all week. And this is a chance for us to respond to them. I'm joined by two of CollegeTumor's best writer performers, Emily Oxford and Mike Trapp. So we're going to get into it in a second here. I just want to really quickly ask, what is your guys' current sort of engagement with comments? Do you like comments? Do you read them? Do you ignore them? Because I actually don't. I'm glad I'm doing this series because I actually don't read them too much. That's what I was going to say. I don't really read them, so I'm pumped to really open a dialogue. I don't know. I'm just kidding. I know you're kind of not so much, right? Yeah, I don't really read them all that much, but it's not. Until now. Until now, we're jumping right into it. Yeah, I'm a sensitive little baby. Yeah, that's why. I want to read them, but I'm just like, someone's going to be like, boy, her hair is frizzy. And then I'll be like, well, my day's ruined. Those are videos that I don't even need, actually, they say. Yeah, I know. They found out you're frizzy later, thank you. I just want to go to one of these, and I'm just like, oh, we should cut this whole video into your hair. It's just insanely frizzy. All right, so yeah, and an important part of this is we have no idea what's on these cards. All of these colored cards represent the various videos that have come out in the last week or two, and we have no idea. Each one has a comment on it from, again, one of these various places and the catches. We just don't know what's on these cards. So with that said, who wants to do the honors and have the very first card pull? OK, I will. Go for it. Any one you want. OK. Should I say where it's from? Let's say, like, what video it's in response to, where it's from, and then read the comment. This is from the video, Photoshop Has Gone Too Far. Do I say the person's name? Yeah. Jeanine Holler of Facebook says, Facebook. She lives on Facebook. You may know her from Facebook, says, I was hoping to see amazing Photoshop work. We were trying to show you truth. It sounds like she thought that she wasn't expecting a joke. She was expecting, like, just a genuinely good Facebook Photoshop tutorial. Is that what it was? I think she wanted a Photoshop tutorial. Which we make a lot of. We do. I think she did see amazing Photoshop work. That's true. She did. Yeah, I mean, turning a pizza into a woman, like, that was really hard. And I should note that you, Emily, wrote that one. Yes. I was there for every, I had every phone conversation in which I said, no, the two pepperonis must turn into the two boobs, the bikini boobs. Yeah, so I think she did see it. She did. So Jeanine Holler, no. That's the answer to everyone throughout. Let's go with this guy. This is from the Ultimate Game of Thrones recap. Luis Garcia from Facebook says, I haven't watched Game of Thrones, but that King Joffrey seems cool, plus everyone likes him. So that's just a direct quote from the video. Well, now, I think the question is, is this person maybe being completely comedy tone deaf? But I wonder, is he being ironic? Or if he literally has the same thing as him? I mean, it's a quote from the video. Well, yeah, totally. Yeah, Joffrey seems cool, plus everyone likes him. I think that's a good question. Well, everyone loves Joffrey is the actual quote. That's true, yeah. I don't know. I mean, if you don't watch any Game of Thrones, I can see how that video is even more confusing than it's intended to be. Like, you don't even know what are we lying about and why are we lying about it, you know? That's true, yeah. I hope someone's mom somewhere was like, well, my kids really want to watch Game of Thrones. Let me see what this show is about. Yeah. And then watch that. Yeah, I mean, it still comes across as a pretty disgusting show. Like, we show the kid sucking the boob just in our video. He's like seducing a beautiful wench. Yeah. We all watch Game of Thrones, right? Yeah. Yeah, everyone. Everyone watching this, and I see the character. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think it's probably, you know, I think he's playing along with the game, right? Yeah, I think he's just doing that thing where you comment something that happened in the video, which is polarizing. Some people don't like that. I like that. If someone posts a funny video on Facebook, I want to quote my favorite quote from it. Yeah. Because it's like saying, like, this is my favorite part. Yeah, it's nice, too, to see, like, it's like, oh, like, they like that joke, I guess. Yeah, because I always see people will be like, be like, oh, great, yeah, they said that in the video. And I'm like, yes, they did. It was funny. It's probably one of the more productive comments you can make, you know? It's like, oh, I like this portion. It's like, great. Well, I mean, I think I've made those comments. I just say, like, I think I would be like, normally, I tend to say, like, you know, I like the part where he said, quote, but I guess this is just more efficient. Okay, see, I say L-O-L, and then quote it. Yeah, that's true. It does feel good. It's like the most pure. See, but I feel like movies is like, he's like jumping. He's like, he's like playing the same role as like, Adam's voice, the commenter in the video. It's like, it's like, oh yeah, he's also like getting into a good song. He's enjoying it. He's misrepresenting Game of Thrones in the comments as much as Adam was in the video, which is great. Jump in, come, come play with us. Okay, I'm going to, I'll pull next. I'm gonna do... Oh my God, it's such an easy decision. It's Eddie Carter. And they're all equal. This is not Pickup 6. This is from the Russ Colvin. I think I, we should probably be like, maybe giving just the briefest little summary of what these videos are. I'm sure there'll be like a little saying that comes up. Russ Colvin's safety video was our True Detective parody, which was of course a very popular drama on HBO. And this is from Reddit, our first Reddit comment of the episode of the three we've done. Reddit user Layrandom said, the transition music was hilarious. So I think he's talking about the, it's like a child safety video and in between these incredibly dark things that Russ Colvin was saying, it was like just sunny educational music. Thank you. Can we cut to that music within this movie? Possibly. This is going up in like an hour. So we'll see. Okay, well. It's actually live. This is live. Oh, damn it. We're live. Oh no. Oh, I can't say damn it. Yeah, I mean, that was good music. I don't know who did it. I don't know. I think it's probably stock music because that was a fast turnaround. We definitely have a higher composer for it. Yeah. Music can make a huge difference. I've had to be like, no, I hate this music, do this music. And then the video is good. It's true. I, I'm wondering, this user's name is Le Random and I wonder if that's a reference to Ledu, Reggie Ledu from True Detective. I don't think so because that's a popular internet thing to say, Le, and also Random is a popular internet thing. I'm going to side with Emily on this one. Okay. His talking points. What's breaking down the user's username? It's very endearing that you're like, his name is Le Random. Must be a huge True Detective fan. Well, I mean, it could, even though Random is an internet thing, I feel like it could be. Well, Le is an internet thing too. Like, I am a little tired. Gotcha. I see. Well, there you go. Well, okay. Let's keep it, let's keep it checking. This is from how to tie a tie. From, from a YouTube user named Jacob Fatacic. I'm sorry, I laughed at your name. That surprisingly helped. So, that's just someone who watched that video. I mean, it is an informative video. You can use it. It takes longer than a normal tutorial. He ultimately does get the tie tied. But he does ultimately get the tie tied. So, like, I'm glad. I hope that you wore it to, you know, Bar Mitzvah, first date, a wedding, a second date. Cause ladies need to see that tie on the second date. I think that, that's like talking to the second comment, like the other, well, it's nice that it's like a genuinely, yeah, I like that we're inventing this new genre, like genuinely helpful sketches. I think we just do another one that's like- With like the Adam ruins everything. It's like, this is genuinely helpful. Educational comedy. Yeah. Like, we're not all about laughs here. No, mostly about education, honestly. Do you know how to tie a tie? No, I don't. I don't. And I feel like, I feel like guys like want you to know how to tie a tie. Cause it's like, supposed to be like, sort of like a cute little romantic, like trope. But I'm just like, I'm not going to tie, like fine. Fucking put my bra on. Like, let's see if we can pull in. Okay. Well, it's harder, I think, cause you're doing, you have to do the reverse. If you're doing it in like the fifties housewife way. I just feel like if you're tying someone's tie, you have to be like sort of like lightly chiding them or something like that. You have to be like, you know, the brickmires are going to be there. And if you want that promotion. And then when you're done, you have to like to emphasize your final point and playfully tighten the knot. Yeah, I did tighten it a while too tight. Yeah. All right. I think you're that way. I think we're, the cycle is now complete. Cycle is now complete. So now you go back to trap. Sure, yeah. Let's do... Back to trap. Let's do this one. This is from baristas are the ultimate male fantasy. Okay. User crashed, not the website cracked on YouTube. Says, wait, the barista at the Starbucks down the street doesn't love me. First of all, it's such a confusing name. I know. Cracked Reddit, who is a YouTube user. But this is actually from our college humor pages and that is, so anyway. Yeah. No, again, the answer is no. Again, educational here. We're educating this person. Exactly. Baristas, like they just probably don't like you. I was never a barista. I was a bartender, however, though. So I know that's dynamic. Yeah, it's similar, like similar, probably even worse. Oh, it's so much worse. Everything that the barista deals with as plus the people are drunk. Exactly. It's like when you're a barista, it's like young hip dudes that you probably wouldn't be interested in. You kind of have to be like, oh my God, cool t-shirt. Wow, you're so cool. But like, if you're a bartender, it's just like old regulars. I feel like you get like this weird reverse thing too, where like in a barista, people start really like horrible and angry. And then like as the day goes on, they get like better and better as they get like less grouchy and more coffee. And then like as a bartender, it's like they start out okay. And then as the night goes on, they just turn into horrible monsters. Yeah, I mean, I guess they're similar because like, if you're at a bar, like the alcohol is making you more bold to hit on the bartender, but probably the caffeine as well. Yeah, or it just makes you, for me it just makes me a neurotic, crazy, hyperactive mess. So then it just becomes like an internal struggle. I think, I imagine there's a dude who like, goes to a bar, gets rejected by the bartender, so he gets super drunk, then next morning he's hungover, so he goes to get coffee, and he's like, it's like a cycle. I didn't know that you were a bartender, so I'm learning something about you in this. We're all, this is, and it's all thanks to you. I can make an Negroni. From YouTube. I wanna ask you more about your life as a bartender, because I haven't been any more curious, but we're almost out of time, so I think maybe we'll have time for one more card, which I'm going to pull. Oh my gosh. This is from guy who's never seen or heard of anything. And it's from Reddit, user Jaden Gurnitz. Why does he have a unibrow, smiley face? I don't know how spelt that, lol. He spelt unibrow, you and I. Oh, that's funny. And then out back. I think that's like, I think in Spanish, that's like, doesn't una mean something in Spanish? Uno means one, right? Yeah, I think it means. Uno, I don't know what brow is though. I think this might be how you spell unibrow in Spanish. Why does he have una brow? No, because brow, I don't know how you say brow, but it's definitely not brow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, this is actually a very astute observation because he doesn't have a una brow. And it's definitely my favorite part of the video. And yet it has absolutely nothing to do with the main joke. It's just a really, really good detail. I think even in the script, it was like, what's his name? In the actual word. Ted word. Ted word, it just says Murph for the una brow. I'm like, all right, done. What was that? This was written before I came out here. I would just assume that that was done because like if Murph was playing him, you wanted to distinguish him from like Murph in like, the working videos. It was in the pitch. It was like guy with a una brow. Like one of those guys, you know, with a una brow who's never seen or heard of anything. Yeah, it's not totally arbitrary. It feels arbitrary in a way I love, I'm not. It's not a criticism, but it kind of does help because it makes him seem like he, he spends the entire video with his brow furrowed. He's like, he doesn't, he's trying to remember what these things that you're saying to him. He's furrowed his brows so much he's just growing together. Yeah, it does just make him one big confused brow. But also it's like kind of good too because like if you like at this point, like if you have a una brow and like you've never been like, just run a razor, you know, then like it's kind of like, you are kind of like, you know. I have, I think, I've been told to have a very slight una brow. Do you guys see that at all? It's slight, you don't have to worry about that. Don't let them tell you body hair is beautiful. Don't let them tell you. Do I have one to go with? I have a unacrust, a uni-roni. That means somebody in crust but then there's nothing in the middle to get that wax. Okay, I think that's pretty much it. You guys have any last kind of words you want to say before we kind of head into our conclusion here? Just thanks for watching. Yes, thanks for watching. Like in general, us as a site, thanks for watching. Absolutely, thanks for watching, thanks for engaging. And I think we're gonna do this every week. This is our first show, so I think in celebration, Emily, you have written a song to kick us off here. Before you get into it though, I just wanna say a few quick things to our audience. This show we're gonna do this every week and it really, again, just totally thrives on your comments. So please, please leave us comments at CollegeHumor.com on CollegeHumor's YouTube page, our Twitter, our Facebook, our subreddit. Yeah, check us out, leave questions, comments, and who knows, maybe it'll... Wind up here. It'll wind up here on our show in one of those beautiful colored cards. On a beautiful card. So yes, thank you all and we'll see you next week. Emily, take it away. Okay. There's 10 kinds of... Oh, wait, we're out of time, sorry. Bye.
dropout	this_hipster_son_in_law_isn_t_the_only_upset_in_this_tournament	Alrighty, it's a gorgeous day, and I'm here with Gary and Steve, father and son to Dr. College Hoops Brackets. Father and son? No, no, we're just in-laws. Alrighty, but you guys are big college b-ball fans, I imagine. I haven't missed a big tournament game in 23 years. I'm more of a fresh air guy myself, but Baskinball is growing on me like a healthy vine and a well-kept local farmer's co-op. It's Basketball, not Baskinball. Oh, fun stuff! How are you guys' brackets holding up with all these crazy upsets? I had A&M going into the third round. Oh, ouch. Steve, how did you do? I don't know. And how did you choose the Knights to go so far? The Knights? Yeah, the team that you chose. Oh, right. I've been really into the steampunk aesthetic lately, and their mascot reminded me of a cool steampunk guy. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Go fucking touch me. Well, guys, one thing we can always count on is a 12 seed to upset a 5 seed. Gary, who'd you have? I had the Crocs over the Sharks. I warn him about this one, feel? There's this TV show that you see GIs, animals, and different habitats fighting each other. One episode was shark versus crocodile, and the shark attacked the crocodile, and it was a bloodbath, and I was like, shark, what? I was like, what? Shark, what the fuck is happening? I think he's got the hungry grumps. I told you to have some blasted crust before we left, Gary. I also had Loyola. Blasted crust, Gary. Going to the semis. Gary. Blasted crust. Going to the semis. How'd they lose to Boise? Oh, look, don't beat yourself up on that one. We all thought that with their 3-point shooting in their defense, Loyola was poised to make a run. Blasted crust, sneak attack. Crazy. Put me in your mouth. Take your mind off basketball for a while. Come on, Gary. We are having fun. This is not fun. I follow these teams all year. I worked hard on this bracket. Steve uses his as a coaster for micro beer, and he's an expert. Screw this. Geez, I didn't realize you felt that way. I guess when all is said and done, we can't even share basketball. Basketball!
TheOnion	Zombie_Reagan_Raised_From_Grave_To_Lead_GOP	After months of struggling to find their footing, it looks like the GOP has finally found an effective spokesman. Since Republican leaders unveiled the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan at a fundraising event last week, the undead former president has quickly emerged as the new face of the Republican party. Michael Steele was a good attempt at finding a new kind of face for the party, so was Bobby Jindal, but in the end they just didn't represent Republican ideals as well as a 100 year old dead man. Since Reagan was brought back from the grave by GOP leaders in a top secret 2.2 million dollar reanimation project, poll data shows Reagan with a higher favorability rating than all other high profile Republicans combined. The voters know Reagan, they trust Reagan, when he moans at them they're going to listen. Making Reagan's position as party leader official, Michael Steele stepped aside as Republican National Committee chairman this Monday to make way for Reagan's walking corpse. There's questions as to whether he still has capacity for thought and he does eat people, but big picture, he's the best option they have right now. Between his six times daily feedings, Reagan has been appearing on talk shows to criticize the Democrats for overspending. You really have become quite a phenomenon among the conservative movement on healthcare. You feel that passionately about it. And appeared in a series of GOP ads promoting the Republican party's traditional values. Congress and the president say they're trying to help fix our country's economy. Ronald Reagan and the Republican party have the right idea for America's future. Despite his criticism of the Democrats, Reagan seems bent on forging a working relationship with them. And Reagan has already begun creating policy for the GOP. Bobby Jindal and Florida Governor Charlie Crist were among the Republicans who headed off to a remote mountain resort with Reagan yesterday for an all night strategy session. Today Jindal returned to Louisiana praising Reagan. In other news out of Washington, the EPA announced it has lost the endangered species list.
TheOnion	NRA_It_s_Probably_Best_If_You_Just_Ignore_What_We_re_About_To_Say	The world is not sure who to admire anymore after Tom Hanks murders five. Kate Middleton shows off her baby bump, and a middle-aged banana panics upon finding its first brown spot. And now, the final web video you will view before tomorrow's scheduled collapse of Western civilization. This is the Onion Week in Review. In a televised statement to the press today, the NRA announced that it's probably best if we just ignore what they're about to say. Representatives for the pro-gun group told the public they would be better off paying no attention to any part of the statement, which will include remarks on assault rifles, the Constitution, immigrants, and school children. Recording artist and industry magnet Bob Dylan announced this week that he will be laying off 2,000 workers from his Muscatine songwriting factory. The massive cuts at the manufacturing plant that produces the music and lyrics that make up Dylan's prolific output reportedly come as the legendary folk idol seeks to streamline operations and better compete in the modern songwriting landscape led by numerous cutting-edge competitors. American man Adam Noensing panicked yesterday after noticing he had accidentally liked 381 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos. The 28-year-old said that sometime after logging onto the social networking site earlier in the day, he had inadvertently clicked like on over 14 albums' worth of photos, including dozens from her office picnic last fall, her trip to New York in 2010, and a photo of her and her first boyfriend from 2006. And in local news, a film character moves into a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone after getting her dream publishing job. In other news, the Cardinals host a going-away party at the Pope's favorite Vatican City dive bar. A woman is rushed into cosmetic surgery with eight glaring flaws. And the burglar hiding in Oscar Pistorius' bathroom figures now is probably his best chance to escape. If you wake up tonight with the sudden urge to walk into the home of Cleveland area tax attorney Daniel Redmond and murder him, you can thank this video for planting that seed in your mind. For more, visit theonion.com.
ClickHole	the_peel_i_need_to_be_adopted_by_michael_jordan_by_keith_r_wallace	I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. I told some people that I was the son of Michael Jordan, and now they're coming over to my house on Friday, and I have to get adopted by him by then, or else I'm going to be embarrassed. I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. When I told these people that I was the son of Michael Jordan, they said that was confusing because I'm slightly older than Michael Jordan, and I explained that you're allowed to adopt people who are older than you in Illinois, and somehow they believed that, and I'm good for now, but they're coming over on Friday, and if Michael Jordan's not there, they're going to know I lied. I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. If I'm adopted by Michael Jordan, then I will wash Michael Jordan's car, and I will collect an allowance from Michael Jordan, and I will ask Michael Jordan about what sex is, and hopefully Michael Jordan will tell me because I should know about that by now. I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. Thank you.
dropout	the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_andy_samberg	Hey! How's it going, man? Good. What's up? Where's Adam? I'm Andy. Sam. That's funny. So is Adam here? Where you just... What? What do you mean? I'm here to do the show. I thought you asked me to be here. Oh. I said you were really excited. Oh. Am I here on the wrong day? No. You are not Adam Sandler. Hello. I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. And tonight I'm very pleased to have as my guest, comedian Andy Samberg. Thank you. Thank you for doing my show, man. I am so incredibly flattered that you're doing my show. I expect that you are. Thanks for having me. I'm on SNL. Awesome. That is awesome. They said Adam Sandler, but that's great. Are you sure they said Adam Sandler? I have the guitar here for... we're going to have you play Hanukkah Song. I don't know if you want to tune it or... I don't play guitar. Oh, you don't play guitar. Have you ever had crabs? No. We're not filming it. No. I thought we were. Not this part. Oh, yeah. I've had everything. Really? Yeah. Like a different kind of crabs. Like pube lice. Worse? Yeah. Like sometimes you just like see them on your legs. Oh, my God. Yeah. They like cling to like one leg hair. Ah! Yeah. You have that whole dick in the box thing. My friends Jorma and Akiva, we all work together at the show. Mm-hmm. And from since before when I just went... dick in a box. And then that was it. That was done. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty straightforward stuff, I guess. The beauty of it is that we do a 20 minute interview and we use about a minute and a half of it. Oh, sweet. So we're all good. But not the... The crabs. We're probably going to use that. See, that's weird though because you said that we weren't filming this time. We weren't, but we got the audio. Got the audio. Oh. So would you do like animation to it? Just give me one second. Yeah. Can we talk to you for a second? You told me... You told me that you were going to get Adam Sandler. This is Andy Sandberg. Who the fuck is that? We're going to be interviewing... I'm hearing your tired conversation. Oh, you are? Okay. If you want to... Do you want a juice? No, I don't want a juice. Are you serious? He doesn't even know who I am. Like, why am I here? Of course I know who you are. You're Andy Sandberg. Andy? You also won an award from High Times. A Stoney? Yeah, you won a Stoney. I didn't even know that. Well, I was going to ask you, do you smoke pot? Maybe. Yeah. I used to smoke way more weed than I do now. That's good. Because I don't have as much time. When I got to college, people would have like four-foot bongs, and you'd be like, yeah, I can do that. And then you do it, and you get all twitchy. You want to die. Yeah. But then instead, you go to a reggae show, and you get freaked out. Well... No, you get freaked out. You get a little freaked out, yeah. But then by the time it's over... You're ready for bed. No, you're still freaked out. What are you doing? I'm going to take off. Why are you going to take off? What are you doing? I'm leaving. You don't even know why I am. Of course I know who you are. You're Amy Sander. I know all the shit that you've done. What have I done? You were in that movie, man. No, I've never been in a movie. Okay. I love it. That's the one. I love it. The island. Please stop saying the island. What about coke? I've done it. I've tried it. I only do it off dudes, wieners, and balls. No, that makes sense. Yeah. How often do you find someone that's willing to let you do that? Do they have to have a flat wiener? It's way better, yeah. How do you cut the line when it's on? Some people make you put on a condom. Make you put on the condom. Well, I always wear one while I do it. You wear one just for security reasons. Yeah, that's my security blanket. So you're snorting a line off of their wiener, but you're wearing a condom. And I wear a condom, and they are not. It's going to make me look like an idiot. No one. You know why? Because nobody's going to watch it. So it's a no-lose scenario. It's the web. People watch stuff on the web. That's the whole reason I'm here. I don't understand. Yeah, I know you don't. What are you doing? I'm going to take off. Good luck with this piece of shit. No, don't. You just called it a piece of shit? You're a fucking piece of shit. You fucking asshole. God. I'll bet you have a very big dick. I kind of feel like yours is pretty good. Thank you for coming on my show. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for watching the Michael Showalter Showalter, and we'll see you next time. We were supposed to get Adam Sandler. Well, you didn't get him. We got an ambi Sandergh. Ambi Sandergh? I don't know who that is. Yeah. My friend's Yorama and Akiva. We all work together at the show. And for him since before, when I just went dick in a box. And then, that was it. That was done. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty straightforward stuff, I guess. The beauty of it is, is that we do a 20 minute interview, and we use about a minute and a half of it. Oh, sweet. Two minutes of it. So we're all good. But not the... The crabs. We're probably going to do a 20 minute interview, and we use about a minute and a half of it. Oh, sweet. Two minutes of it. So we're all good. But not the... The crabs. We're probably going to use that. See, that's weird though, because you said that we weren't filming with them. We weren't. But we got the audio. Got the audio. Oh. So would you do like animation to it? Just give me one second. Yeah. You think? Can I fucking talk to you for a second? You told me that you were going to get Adam Sandergh. This is Andy Sandergh. Who the fuck is that? I'm hearing your entire conversation. Oh, you are? Okay. Do you want to juice? No, I don't want to juice. He doesn't want to juice. No, I don't want to juice. I don't want to juice. He doesn't even know who I am. Why am I here? Of course I know who you are. You're Andy Sandberg. Andy? You also won an award from High Times. A Stony? Yeah, you won a Stony. I didn't even know that. Well, I was going to ask you. Do you smoke pot? Maybe. Yeah. I used to smoke way more weed than I do now, because I don't have as much time. When I got to college, people would have like four-foot bongs, and you'd be like, yeah, I can do that. And then you do it, and you get all twitchy. You want to die. Yeah. But then instead, you go to a reggae show, and you get freaked out. Oh, no, you get freaked out. You get a little freaked out, yeah. But then by the time it's over, you're ready for that. No, you're still freaked out. What are you doing? I'm going to take off. What are you doing? Why are you going to take off? No, no, no, no, no. What are you doing? I'm leaving. You don't even know who I am. Of course I know who you are. You're Andy Sandberg. I know all the shit that you've done. What have I done? You were in that movie, man. No, I've never been in a movie. Okay. How are you doing an interview show when you don't? The Island. What island? Your thing? The single island. I love it. That's the one. I love it. The island. Please stop saying the island. What about Coke? I've done it. I've tried it. I only do it off dudes, wieners, and balls. No, that makes sense. Yeah. But like, how often do you find someone that's willing to let you do that? And do they have to have a flat wiener? It's way better, yeah. But it's also like- How do you cut the line when it's on the- Some people make you put on a condom. Make you put on the condom. Well, I always wear one while I do it. You wear one just for security reasons. Just for security reasons. Yeah, that's like my security blanket. So you're snorting a line off of their wiener, but you're wearing a condom. And I'm wearing a condom and they are not. It's going to make me look like an idiot. No one. You know why? Because nobody's going to watch it. So it's a no-lose scenario. It's the web. People watch stuff on the web. That's the whole reason I'm here. I don't understand. Yeah, I know you don't. What are you doing? I'm going to take off. Good luck with this piece of shit. No, don't. You just called it a piece of shit? You're a fucking piece of shit. You fucking asshole. God. I'll bet you have a very big dick. I kind of feel like yours is pretty good. Thank you for coming on my show. It was a pleasure to be here. Thank you for watching The Michael Showalter Showalter, and we'll see you next time.
TheOnion	Chinese_Gossip_Blogger_Fights_For_Freedom_To_Post_Celebrity_Up_Skirt_Photos	Now we have the inspiring story of a brave young man who fought for his freedom of speech against all the odds. That's right. Defying government restrictions on personal expression for more than two years. Zhang Jua put his life on the line to publish Star Dirt, China's biggest celebrity gossip blog. Zhang joins us now along with Annette Rudolph, a journalist who has written about his struggles. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having us. Happy James. We're seeing unsubstantiated rumors about actresses, anorexia, or being pregnant. That's something we just take for granted here in the United States, but Zhang, your government tried to silence your voice. Yeah, the total d-bags. And we understand that you had to actually hide from the government for months, but you kept your blog going. What gave you the strength to carry on? Because the people need to know who is fat now, who got boob jobs, who is femme ho. Right. Zhang was in the middle of writing a post claiming that the actress, Liu Dao, was just so many boy toys, she'd probably get to the ads. Chinese officers broke down the door in the home where he was living and arrested him. You break my laptop, I lose my pics of hurting Agari without makeup. Her teeth, so disgusting. I still tell everyone she is booty me, you know. How you need to get help, girl. Serious. Yeah, so incredible. And then you spent the next three months in jail? Yes, it's suck-balls. Now, Zhang, while you were in jail, there was a huge outpouring of support for you, right? Many people protest outside of prison. One crazy woman light herself on fire. Wow. I go to prison and I make fun of her on my blog. She wears sweatshirts, so tacky. I'd have so high when she burn up. And that's when you fled to Great Britain where you live today in freedom? Yeah, London suck. People Agari and club suck. But at least you can write in freedom now. No, I'm blog boring to me now. No, I start my own line of designer t-shirts. Oh. Well, thank you so much for being here, both of you. Right. And Annette's book about Zhang's struggle, You Are Gay, You Are Ugly, is in stores now.
cracked	5_rules_for_sleeping_in_bed_with_your_friends	Pop quiz, you're at a party, decide to crash, and wouldn't you know it? The number of sleepable surfaces equals n minus 1, where n is the number of people already asleep, and 1 is you, because you foolishly took an extra long dump to beat an app level. And apparently, you can't just all sleep in a big dog pile like drunken frat pledges, so what do you do? What do you do? Well, I'll tell ya. I'm gonna go quick, so make sure to pause a lot or take notes, cause there's no possible way you'll ever be able to watch this video again. Sanario 1, a bunch of drunken frat pledges. I feel like I already covered that pretty well. Sanario 2, two people in a room. If it's just you and one other human, A, your parties aren't that great, and B, the math is fairly straightforward. Here's you, here's them, here's the sleepable surface. Sleepable surfaces may include, but are not limited to, beds, futons, pullouts, sofas, floors with some clothes wadded up, sleeping bags, cots, cheese, lounges, or a pallet of wet straw. Don't ask why it's wet. Who the hell was that? Why did I freeze? Anyway, all you gotta worry about here is the genital quotient. Which is to say, if you're a person that has no real business sleeping in a bed with the other person, but you're tired dammit, then you can employ a pillow barrier, wake up before they notice, or simply make sure your genitals aren't in a position where they could unknowingly interlock in the night, depending on the other person's overall level of prudishness and inversely proportional to their bestie number. Which is how many times you've either braided one another's hair or engaged each other in games of gay chicken. Now if you're a person who has all the business doing business to the other person's business, then please consider only your noise level relative to the average drunkenness and proximity of other sleepers in the house, and do wake the person up first. Don't rape people. Scenario 3. Three or more people in a room. Above two humans, the rules become a simple set of scalable algorithms. Boning is likely off the menu, and if it's not, then your comfort level with those around you means you certainly don't need any of the help this video offers, nor should you RSVP to the e-vite I just sent out. That thing was cancelled. Seriously, don't come. The rest of you, just make sure anyone who might want to bone the person next to them is separated from that person. Preferably, by inserting between them a person who just wants to sleep, damn it. If you're stuck with a remainder, just make them sleep in the closet or something. I bring earplugs. Substitute earplugs may include, but are not limited to, wads of toilet paper, chewed gum, found earplugs, headphones blasting ACDC, or the fingers of the person sleeping next to you. I will find you, and I will hurt you. Adet them, circumstantial modifiers. There are thousands of potential circumstantial modifiers that might affect your ideal sleeping arrangement, which is why it's really best to employ a consultant, but I'll try and address some of the biggies now. If it's a sausage fest, which is to say a whole mess of dudes, then you all get your own bed, and leftovers each sleep on the floor in a separate room of the house with the door closed, thinking of their sweeties. In this scenario, known as a clambake, all the girls can just strip down to their sports bras and spoon all night, and it doesn't mean anything at all. It's fine. I mean, apparently. That's what I hear. Prove me wrong. Of course, if you're a bunch of gay dudes, then you probably already stopped watching the video to have rockin' sex, because dudes get down to business! They get d***ed. Done! And if you're a bunch of lesbians, try to remember to pack some essential belongings when you come to the party in case you decide to move in. Last but not least, if you're a widower salesman with nowhere to be for the holidays and a curmudgeonly executive struggling to get cross-country, staying in a fleabag motel room with only one bed, you sleep with your hand firmly wedged in the other guy's assflaps. Those are pillows. I hope this video has piqued your interest in the ancient art of sleeping arrangement, which the Japanese call snoragami. Or fang-sh-nal-s-s-sleep-sleeping-shweeping. Fang-sh-nal-shweeping-arrangement. That's terrible. It's not good at all. Alright, I'm gonna go find that guy, I guess. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And action. YouTube. Endplate. It's called In the Business. Endplate. Subscribe. Subscribe to YouTube. Thanks. What else? Oh, your name? My name? Yeah. Adam. Adam Brown. Adam Todd Brown. 1D. Yeah, we'll try again. Okay. That was great. Yeah, that was great. That was about it. That was great. Okay.
TheBetootaAdvocate	Ep_167_Craig_Foster_Julian_Meagher	Obviously the snow wasn't as good as you get down there in more cosmopolitan parts of the state like Stanthorpe and places like that, but you know, it's good for what it is. Yeah look, you better get it in now actually, listeners, you're skiing, because we've just passed the winter solstice, according to all the photos coming out of Tasmania, winter solstice is over, dark mofo is over, and the days are only going to get longer from here. Yep, all I can say about that is thank god that's the last one, because that's just a festival of sin and terrible things that people shouldn't really be into. Yeah, I mean, Melbourne's starting to look at different approaches to lockdowns now, because so many people missed out on getting down there to Tasmania to dip some vagina yeast bread into the pig's blood fountain, and uh... Lots of sad yuppies in Melbourne this week. Dark mofo might live on to see another week, but nevertheless, it's winter, which means we have the winter codes of football for everyone to be distracted by. But that's not to say that the arts across Australia haven't got other things on outside of the satanic dark mofo festival, there's the Archibald Prize, the Wynn Prize, the Soorman Prize. We interviewed Abdul Abdullah a couple of weeks back as a former finalist, today we've got another one with us, and for the first time ever on the Batutah advocate radio show, we're interviewing both an artist and his subject in the shape of Craig Foster, the subject. Thank you for joining us. Yeah, a pleasure, it's good to be here, with the great Julian Ma. Julian Ma, the artiste. Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here as well. So you never entered anything for dark mofo before, Julian? Nah. I wanted to go though. I can see you're a man of common sense. I'm a bit bummed I couldn't go. I got a special haircut, I was all ready to go. Had your trench coat. Yep. Now, tell us a little bit about what you do as a painter. We've got obviously two different disciplines here, you're a four time finalist at the Archibald Prize and we've got 29 matches for Australia for the Socceroos, nine goals as well. Nine goals. Yep. In Craig Foster. That's a pretty good average. It was alright, but I got most of them against the Pacific Nations. American Samoa. I played Vanuatu once, I think I got four goals, and Stevie Corrigor is the coach of Sydney FC now, and a legendary Socceroo. He kept saying to me, the game, give me the ball, Faisal, give me the ball. I said, mate, I've got to get my numbers up, you know. Pacific Nation, you know, they all turn up, everyone, it's a well game, mate. Totally. Those were in the years when we were in Oceania, before they went in two ages, so it was a good period for the goalscoring. Julian, how would you describe yourself as an artist? In one word? In one word, painter? Painter. That's pretty much all I can do. I started colouring in, 20 years of practice, starting to work out what I've got to unlearn to get better, and that's it, that's what I do. Well, we want to talk to you guys today because Julian, your portrait of Fozzie, known to us as Fozzie, Craig Foster, it's an interesting one because you actually painted him before. I did. You painted him? Not as well, by the way. Not as well, is that what it was? Well, I don't know. See, I thought I'd done a pretty damn good painting the first round. 2019. I met Fozz and I was like, Fozz, let me have a crack at painting you and get you into the Archie, that's my way of supporting you, you're a legend and I want to help out somehow, and that's all I can do is paint, so let me have a crack at getting you in. I told him, look, we're not going to get in, but I think he thought, oh, okay, Jules can paint, he'll get me in, and I smashed out a huge work, like I went, I think, 16 hours straight doing the face, and as good as I could paint. And I think Guido walked past and said, that's a ball terror, man, that's going to get in. First time in my life, I've actually thought, oh, maybe he does have a pretty good chance, not a bad painting. I make some pretty bad paintings and I know when they're bad and when they're good. And yeah, they didn't get in, which was, we were a bit like, what happened? What happened with that one? I'm like, Fozzie, yeah, you can't. You took a knock that year. Yeah. Can't win them all. No, you can't win them all. Was that 2019? Yeah, it was last year. And then it was, I had that painting sitting in my stacks, no one ever saw it. Like two metre painting of Fozzie, and every night when I went home, there was Fozz looking at me, so handsome and hopeful and kind of optimistic that we were going to get in. And I'm like, fuck, I'll let him down, I'll let him down. And then so I'm like, dude, you're going to, we became better friends through the course of that year. And I'm like, let me have another go, dude, let's just keep going until we get you in. And it was much better, actually, much, much nicer to paint him second time around, because I didn't have to impress him, probably weren't going to get in, way less pressure, actually made way more poetic painting, probably not as much painting skill in there, but way more of what I call like X factor and poetry. Way more Fozzie in there. Way more Fozz. Fozz look tired and exhausted. And what are you trying to say? Yeah, that's where, that's why I watched what happened to you over a year or two. You look pretty good today though. It's fresh. Yeah. Fresh. Yeah. Fast. Well, it has been, it has been a big year. I want to get back into the Archibald in a minute Jules, but you did mention just again, it's been a big year for you, Craig, I would have said you had some big years when you first ended the public life. You would have had some big years playing football for Australia. You would have had some big years during that glow up era of Australian football. But the last year seems to be like, you know, it may have been a bit more taxing than some of the stuff you've done, you know, on the football field anyway. Yeah, it's, it's really different in every way, really. Everything, you know, the last couple of years has been kind of just going into a completely different field. Emotionally, it's very different because sport thinks that it's in a really tough environment. The challenge of trying to win games all the time and this concept of professionalism, you know, trying to win trophies is difficult, no doubt. But then moving into an area where you see all this harm has been a real adjustment really, and social advocacy can be done in many different ways for athletes and sports, but sports people in particular, you know, we like to lend our name, our brand, our image, but we always maintain this distance. And professional sports people, largely because they don't really get the opportunity or time to understand the issues and meet enough of the people that they're advocating for or the programs that they support. But as a retired sports person, you know, I had opportunity to really delve into the issues themselves and meet the people. And once I met the people, you know, whether, and at this point in time, it's largely refugees and asylum seekers are in trouble, then it really, it changes your life. Do you think there was a particular moment where the blinkers came off? It was over a period of time because I was involved in indigenous kids, refugee kids and programs that were working with these children on the ground. And so probably 10 years ago, I was involved with UNSW. They've got a program called Football United and it was recently arrived refugee children from war torn zones primarily. And a lot of them, so Sudan, South Sudan, Iraq, and most of them had lost their parents. That's why they were here. And usually many, if not all of their siblings. So you're talking to kids who had seen their parents quite often hacked death and they were refugees. They'd come on the UNHCR program and you kind of go to it with, you know, the best of intent and start working with them. The program was to utilize football. So let's say utilize sport to assist with the socialization and the integration of refugee children. So in other words, you've come to the country, you've got no limb to hold onto. Everything in your life is gone. And the only thing that connects you to your new environment is your love of this particular sport. That's one of the beauties of, you know, as you said, the world game. So, you know, you start to then provide opportunities for them to play, to understand, to meet other kids, to come out of their shell, to talk about, then you can provide psychologists to them and everything revolves around this one love that exists for them. And I started to talk to them. And then one kid, I remember many, many years ago, said to me, I said, why, why is it that this is important for you? And, and they're very honest, you know, that it's, it's unfiltered. And he just looked at me and said, well, because my parents are dead, my sister and brother were killed in front of me. And he said, the only thing that still exists for me that I can hold onto is this football, the ball. And I started to become, you know, closer friends with those kids. So you kind of go from just supporting, lending your name to then knowing the people and it pulls you in and being activated, that's it. I mean, and I think that's the path and because that's been my journey in many areas of social justice that I continue to try to do that for everyone else. I believe that almost the most, there is an extreme element in all societies, but even the most ignorant or belligerent or bigoted people can change their views when they sit across the table and learn about the other person, the other, right, in inverted commas. And so much of what I do is about putting the two people together. So can I just ask with the, you know, your supporter base or people who know who you are in the public life, the bloke that asked you to sit down for a portrait being one of them. And of course, as editors of the Pertutera, we know Fozzie, we know your work, particularly on a football field. I think it seems to have a big following amongst first, second gen Australians, always has been, you know, it's a, you know, popular with migrant communities. Have you seen that kind of activate your work and your talk of asylum seekers and refugee issues? Is there been a little bit of a, you know, it's actually activated a lot of people have come from other countries who realize how they're not too different. You know, that's the deck could have been marked against them. Well, it goes both ways, right? So they've activated me and I can help to activate them. So I, you know, I often say not so much publicly, but I'm kind of like an Australian wog because I came out of the country, New South Wales, which was very monocultural, you know, Anglo Celtic like me. And I went at 15 years of age down to the Institute of sport and I landed in multiculturalism and the most, so you're not of Southern European background for Anglo. Yeah. Okay. I've, um, you know, I thought you may have been, yeah, many people think, yeah, that's kind of why I fit in the game so well, are you Italian or you know, what are you, right? That's not a tan. You've got the vernacular as well growing up with all the Italian and Serbian kids, I'm guessing. Playing football. Yeah. Well yeah. At mid teens, right? So prior to that it was all, everything was Anglo, you know, it was tea and scones and it's, it's jam and you know, and it's, it was all this stuff up in the country and uh, and we didn't have many ethnic communities. We had a very, in Lismore, I'm from, we had a very small Italian community and there were, there is a place there called little Italy, um, you know, close to the coast, you know, and we had some Greek families in town who were lifelong friends of mine and others, but not much. So basically I came to multiculturalism and multicultural Australia in, it was like deep immersion, full immersion, you know, it wasn't just a stepped approach. I came from out of Lismore into football and real football. And then I went at 17 years of age, I played for Cine Croatia. That was, you know, yeah, out in Fairfield, right? That was Croatia, you know, and I loved it, but it was very different and in many ways it was confronting, challenging, you know, they spoke Croatian, you know, the food was Croatian, you know, the, the, the team was largely Croatian and it was very, very new. And they weren't long out of war either. A lot of those people. Yeah, exactly. So they were still fighting, you know, with the Serb club down the road and well, I played for the Serbs, you know, but this is kind of the beauty of Australia, right? This is why I always felt I could play a bit of a mediating role is because I'm, you know, I'm the white Anglo Australian dude whose family come here, you know, 230 years ago and all of these beautiful communities come, but many of them still have amenities between them. And I kind of existed always in the middle, seeing both sides and also understanding and talking to them about the beauty of what Australia does offer to them. And certainly the first generation immigrants understand that very well because they came from these, they fled, right? But they very often feel very deep attachment to what Australia has done at the same time as they, you know, have, have great attachment and love for their, their history and their culture. So I kind of came towards them and they also come towards Australia. And that's my own feeling is that the true concept and nature of multiculturalism is that we are meeting in the middle. And that's why it's not about, you know, the white Australia policy and everyone has to come here and be a rah, rah, you know, what was seen as. And so then we talked today about, you know, what is Australian, you know, and still people, if you look at the popular media, when we say Australia or Australian people, I think still in their mind, see it as a white, probably Anglo, you know, female or male. That's changed socially, but it's not changed so much culturally yet. And so I mean, you know, I'm committed to all of those things because I'm very much in the middle. So that multicultural community, Maybe in the middle, as opposed to assimilation, everyone, everyone kind of melting pot. Yeah. And in the middle, in the sense that don't lose your own cultures, don't lose your own language. So I sit on the multicultural council and they talk about what is a statement of social cohesion. So what I'd like to see, and I don't expect this is going to happen anytime soon, but that English is a connecting force, but you know, that our statement on social cohesion or if you like national values, as far as you can define them, means that we should say that we are a multilingual nation, but English is the national language and the connecting force. But you have to, you know, this is the beauty of spending 18 years at SBS as well. So I've gained incredibly from my connection and, and love and involvement in multicultural Australia as much as I have from the wonderful background that I have. And of course, then we have first nations revolving around that, or I'd say underpinning all that as well. And you're probably a bit more familiar with first nations community coming out of Lismore than you were with any of the communities you met. That's true. That's very true. Yes. Over 4% up there, you know, Lismore, Grafton, Campsie, you know, Taree, but also I knew Charlie Perkins, you know, he was a football player, John Moriarty, the first indigenous Australian to play or to be selected for the soccer is a very close personal family friend of mine and I sit on his board of his foundation. So, you know, this, the intersection between sport and all of these communities and the ancient history of our nation is, you know, kind of the field in which I have always gravitated. Yeah. You were saying a bit before about your role in connecting people. How have you found politics, especially how have they kind of integrated into what you are doing? Have you found that they could do anything more or has the response been kind of adequate? Well, the response in Australia from politics at the moment is never adequate. Yeah. You know, like, what do you want to talk about? Which issue do you want to look at? You know, I think a lot of us are disappointed, many disillusioned, but certainly disappointed with where politics are at the moment in Australia. Ashamed. Yeah, it's a good, that's a stronger, better word, you know, that I would agree with. Do you reckon you, I mean, look at you, Julian, you're an artist, artists are always expected to have a kind of a platform, artists have a platform for much longer than sports stars. Artists have been, I guess, active, engaged, and they use their platform, you know, since thousands of years ago, artists were making political statements in their work. I mean, I noticed you've been involved in all kinds of different auctions and drives and movements. What do you find when you look at someone like Fossey? Do you feel like this is, this is a kind of a voice that is kind of lacking in the mainstream of Australia? Oh yeah. I want this guy to have a bigger microphone. I like listening to him talk. I want him being, I want him having more power, you know, I want people listening to him. So, and art is the one way of making a painting of him and getting that archival is one way to do that. But I mean, the nice thing, I paint at Share Studio and we've spent a lot of time talking about art is not just paintings, it's life as well. It's, you know, paintings never right or wrong, but it's, is there some weird like search for truth and beauty, you know, not to get too wanky on these things, but there is something deep that you look for either in yourself or out in the world. And you reflect it. I think it was Nina Simone who said, it's an artist's duty to reflect the times. And she got more political as her career went on. And as her voice grew, like her power grew. She had a responsibility to talk about what was happening. And I think you see a lot of artists doing that as well. And even if it's not overtly political, there's still an underpinning of some pursuit of something more profound and more beautiful in the world. And that's why we make stuff. That's our drive. And that's what we're always trying to create. But even though we never really get there, we keep searching and searching. I think that's why art's so nice is that there's no right or wrong, but you just you just got to keep asking questions and questions. Every mark is a decision. Every knot making a mark is a decision. And you're constantly sitting there going, what the hell am I doing? Like, what does it mean? And what what am I trying to say? And why would I even put this, why do I have the right to put this out into the world? Like, what am I, and hang on someone's wall or make someone stand in front of it and say, that's worth having a look at, it will make you think differently. But we paint, we exist in a bit in our brain that's so non concrete and nonlinear. But there seems to be some answers in there for us, which is why we're also addicted to it once you get on the road once you get on a roll with it. So that's the kind of arena that I'm used to being in. But it's that most artists are pretty, you sit down with them, and they're pretty connected into broader issues of life and what's right or wrong and what should we be doing and who's letting the team down. You know, that's their their conversations you have of the now of the now and then it's different, whereas I mean, when you were playing football, you would have to win a football match. Whereas you're saying every mark, everything you're doing could be. I mean, back in the day, they didn't even take a knee, you know, like taking a knee now is like a, I guess, a mid match way of being political or haven't make a statement. But it was really it was people that took on a short of someone like Ali who'd run a good press conference and condemn the Vietnam War. Now it's mostly people finish their career, David Pocock, Fozzie, Sonny Bill Williams, you can really ramp that up, whereas you guys can do it your whole career. We don't we don't we don't get paid. We don't work for anybody. It's almost in our interest. The more we do make comments on the things that might be seen as left or whatever, that's actually helps us as artists, because that's kind of our job is to chuck the question marks out there going, hang on a second, what's going on with that? Maybe we should look at a different way or especially with the minorities having an actual voice. The arts is where they can have a loud voice. They get shut down and other so many other aspects of life and media is a platform for them to have a way louder voice than they normally do. So we live in an environment where we encourage that we're sort of actually celebrate it and push each other to have more of a voice in search of truth. You know, and we get our money probably comes from chasing that in a way. Well, your existence, your existence as an artist is inherently political because you're not very well funded. Unlike the AIS, which you entered as a 14 year old man. Yeah, totally right. We've got no sponsors. We don't have to, no one rings up and say, hey, you should have said that during the talk the other week. That's true. It's one of the reasons why I'm so fascinated, you know, and it's been great to get to know Julian and other artists. Just the different way of approaching life and of seeing things is coming out of sport is very, very different. But there are, to your point, there are, you know, there is an increasing push from athletes, high profile athletes all around the world now during their career to make strong statements, particularly around racial quality. You see all the Black Lives Matter stuff now, you know, Lewis Hamilton and these things and David Pocock was really strong, you know, as you'd be aware, but when he was playing, you know, they're the ones that, you know, that I love. And cover yourself detractors. Yeah, detractors and, you know, marriage equality and, you know, and all of, and, and of course, you know, climate action and so on. You know, when I was a soccer who I was a member of the Republic and I spoke pre-referendum, you know, with Malcolm at the town hall with a couple of other athletes at that time. And that didn't go down too well in the game, but I was politically active. But today more, when more athletes speak up, which I strongly support, it provides more space for others to do likewise. The idea that you got in trouble for endorsing an Australian Republic, Which is about like, as kind of light as you can go on, on a social issue in this country. It's like, let's re-mint all of our currency, let's take her off the constitution, get rid of her. Exactly. Yeah. It's ridiculous, isn't it? But Fauzi, you are a, you know, an example of walking in two worlds now with, you know, advocacy work and then of course your, your, your commentary work, there's still the work you do. You sit down, you talk football, you're not talking anything else. You Jules have a similar kind of story of being a, I guess, you know, you're an example of the duality of man. You came from the very confused, you mean I'm confused, confused, you know, I'm a little bit lost. Before the paintbrush, you were holding a scalpel and still to this day, you're actually a medical professional. Well, day registered, it makes sense. You know, the, the hand eye, hand eye, really gloves, still using gloves, still connection from a, from your brain to your hands, you know, I think so. It's almost like, you know, you've got two F ones going down your arms. So tell us what the surgeon to artists, that's a pretty kind of rare yarn. It's pretty easy to become a bum artist. Let me tell you, you just got to wake up and go, right. I'm now going to go to a studio every day. The hard thing is keeping it rolling up to 15, 20 years. And still wanting to keep trying to, you know, push yourself to get better. But yeah, I went through, out of high school, I was really good at painting and started selling my work when I was like 14, 15 and paint all night long in my bedroom mainly because I liked the smell of oil paints and turps back then. And I just didn't have the balls to be, I went to the career advisor when I was 18 and he said, Oh, maybe you shouldn't do art. Only 1% are still practicing after they graduate. And the average income is about eight to 12 grand. And I'm like, I probably want to have kids one day. And so I didn't have the balls to do it when I was 18. And I would need a day job. It's like, Jesus Christ, I didn't say be a surgeon, I work in a pub or something. You really took that advice when you became a surgeon. Yeah, I only got into medicine because I topped art in the HSE. I got the marks because I could paint so well. And then I did that for three years and then quit and went to art school overseas and then realized art was too hard and went back and finished med, which if you put the work in, it's not impossible to pass it. I mean, I got through. It's not subjective. It's marks. There's lots of bad doctors out there. Subjectively, that was a good operation. Yes, I stayed out of it. I didn't work that much for a decade or two while I was running an art gallery and trying to be a painter. You can't make paintings just one or two days a week. You've got to go week in, day out to actually grow and develop and get good, basically. You can't just do it every now and then. And then a few years ago, I got the opportunity to work with an old mate. I just help out, dude. I'm low down in the team, but I like it. I love being part of a team. If something goes wrong, it's on my boss's head, not me. Wait, so you're back in the... You're still registered? Still registered. Still holding a scalpel? Yeah, I'll help out. I'll help out every now and then. It's on his boss's insurance plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? It's actually been really good for me to get out of the art world six or seven days a week. In terms of my identity, it's better and it's given me a lot more structure in terms of just not having to paint every day. The paintings are never right and you're always kind of questioning yourself and the doubts only get bigger as you get better. So you just spent one or two days in there looking at an open body? One day a week. One day a week, I've gone up out of my head. The inside of a human being will just take all those thoughts of doubt and heart out of your mind. I'm not right about whether the white's a bit blue or pink that day. I only have to be perfect one or two days a week. I did a lot more concrete. As long as it's not bleeding, I've done a great job. I own it up carefully. I have a pretty surreal life at the moment and I'm lucky as all hell to have it both. But there's a grueling process as an artist. It's terrifying showing your work, I guess. In the same way the musicians walk backstage after a gig and they just drink all night because they kind of come down from this thing. All that stuff you're slaving over in the studio, you're talking about there. You then have to put on the walls and all your family and friends come and look at it and you sit there. The stuff we don't cut up and burn. The stuff that leaves the studio. The sweatpants is growing all over you. But COVID's been awesome. We don't have to go to openings anymore. I can't tell you how good that is. But then I shouldn't complain. We only have to turn up to an opening one day a year. I've got to go and talk to people to stand in front of my work and say, yep, this is the best I can do at the moment. I'm never going to complain about having to go. Obviously, I don't paint to stand in front of the paintings. For the paintings to do the talking. But that's just part of the industry that you just... One nerve-wracking element I reckon for artists must be having to put it all on the line to ask some big shot soccer player to sit in front of you for an hour. Football. Football, sorry. Like everything, I realise every time I've got into Archibald it was never my idea to actually paint the subject. Can you give an example of the other portraits? I probably shouldn't admit this, but a lot of my life has just been right place, right time. And also going, obviously if I don't want to paint the person there's no way I'm going to do it. So I say no to a lot of stuff, but then when it feels right, I'm like, damn. But I'm not making a lot of the decisions. Things fall and you just run with them. And if you love them, you hang on to them for dear life. Who have you painted previously before? Daniel Johns. That was actually in the promotional stuff for the Archibald. Yes, again, a week before I was going to paint Paul Ryan and then Daniel Johns had a new album coming out and his manager had bought some of my work and rang me up and said, do you want to paint Daniel Johns? I'm like, hell yes, I do. And I rang Paulie up and I was like, Paulie, you've been bumped. And he's like, you got Daniel Johns? You haven't sat with someone in 14 years? And I'm like, you've got to do it. And I'm like, yeah, you know it. I'm doing it. And that was like five days before it was due. He was paying good odds on Sportsbet 2 with Daniel Johns eight years ago. And then five days out from the Archibald that was due, I had really got one of my best mates, Jasper, who's always like to start the Archibald the week out because it's a bit of a chook raffle. If it doesn't get in, you won't feel like you've wasted a whole month out of your practice. And yes, I went up to Daniel Johns' studio and I'm out in the pouring rain in the middle of winter. Get your shirt off, dude. Let's have a look. All his tats and his muscles. And I did quite a good painting of him and that's how that one got in. And then the one I did with Richard Flanagan, who's an absolute hero. He's an incredible voice and I wish he had more of a microphone for Australia as well. Big Matilda fan. Shout out, Richard. I've never met anyone whose brain and his heart are just, I'm just sitting there in awe of both of them. And that was my wife, Beige, kept saying, you've got Richard. She obviously loves his work and said, you've got to paint him. I'm like, there's no way Richard's going to, I don't know the dude. He's not going to sit for me. And so I think she just kept saying, emailing me. I got his email from someone. And one day I'm like, fine, I'll email. So she wouldn't say, stop. Just to tell her that he said no. And then he wrote back and said, oh yeah, no problems. Come down on Tuesday. And then on Tuesday I'm knocking on his front door in Hobart going, how do I have the right to go and visit this dude? And he hadn't sat for someone in 15 years. And he opens the door with his pec galah and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I better do a good painting of this guy. So what do you do from there? You go, alright, you on the chair over there. Well I think he was a bit hung over. He said he was sick, but I'm pretty sure he was hung over. And we had lunch. I think I tried to mention something about politics in Tasmania with the logging. And I realised I shouldn't have even gone anywhere near discussing anything. Time to talk on. I should have just shut up and listened. But he's a great listener plan. He lets you talk and you get nervous and you keep talking more and more. Is it easier to paint a bald head as opposed to a head of hair like Craig's? Craig's way too handsome. He's annoying. The silver fox is not an easy thing to paint. I thought that Richard would just be like, just do the dome and go. He actually said to me, don't make me look angry. And I'm like, but look at the photo. Look how angry you are. I did a drawing of him in the front page of his book that I was reading. He looked angry. I should have just put a big smiley face over the top of it. Abdul style. It's funny how that's the nice thing about the art world, I get opportunities to knock on these people's doors I still don't really have the right to but I'm allowed to which is really nice. I think I've been involved with a big project called All We Can't See which was the Nauru files on the redacted files and from that I've been introduced to Fozzy So that was an art show where a lot of artists correct me if I'm wrong all went through the redacted files from the Nauru Yeah we were given a file or chose one that we wanted to make a painting out of and then made a painting based on what they read which was, I imagine, horrifying at times Yeah it was, it was horrible stories and we tried to put them into a more visual language just to give them air to get Australia thinking about what was happening offshore while we were making Negronis What was yours? What did you do? It was about family that had drowned I painted a space blanket I was painting heaps of goon bags at the time and just a still life series so I painted those space blankets I seen an image in The Shock Yeah I seen an image in one of the islands in Greece where they were all wrapped up in them and I painted my wife in one and her mum, I painted her in one for Archibald one year she didn't get in she's a political refugee out of Uganda she fled him in in the 70s so I just painted a space blanket next to a storm out in the ocean and just simple part or you can't see and that toured around Sydney, Melbourne Ariel did a great job touring that she took it down to Adelaide to a labour conference and that was one of the things that got the Medivac bill passed so that was how I met Foz out of that someone put us in contact and said do you want to help him out with his campaign the hashtag game over campaign we need a sports star talking about this so that's how it started would you say you were already on this advocating on Bava refugees before game over well what had happened before that I think we met after the Hakim stuff and then we sat down and had lunch and we talked about that and what Hakim did, that campaign to get the kid back from Bangkok was it gave me guys who were then in Port Moresby had been in Manus they got in touch and they said two things we really support this and we want to see this kid out but secondly look we're also here and we need your help so can you just explain again a lot of people would see look at you Foz now as an advocate for refugees and actually a lot of people think that Hakim was what what activated you what radicalised you for all these people can you just kind of give a brief explanation the situation Hakim was in when you popped your head up so I had been working with refugee programs and refugee kids for probably 15 years prior and I was working with Amnesty Australia on the refugee community sponsorship scheme which is to work with government and all local counsellors around the country to resettle people here and then Hakim got in trouble and what Hakim essentially did was just provide me a bigger public platform to be able to do more and it also was a kind of step out in terms of understanding what a public platform means in other words I didn't realise I could do what I did I'd never done it but this kid's life was in danger he'd been tortured back in Bahrain and he was imprisoned in Bangkok and the Bahrain royal family wanted him back, he spoke out against him so the Bahrain king found out we think that they had him monitored as a dissident in Australia he was on a protection visa and they found out that he was going on his honeymoon to Bangkok he had to get a visa at the Thai embassy, I think it was in Melbourne and shortly after he went in and applied for his visa the Bahrain government was notified that he was going to be travelling and Bangkok are a bit more compliant with Bahrain the two kings are very very close very close that's how they do it a red notice one king asks the other king for him and the mechanism to repatriate many of these dissidents around the world Saudi Arabia are really big on this that's why they gave something like 50 million bucks last year in funding to Interpol to fund this system is because they use it to put people on red notices around the world to get them back and that's what they tried to do with him I didn't know him and people just came to me and said you're one of the most prominent people in this particular sport he was a footballer he played for Bahrain under 23s he was a very talented young player and in the Arab Spring he went to the street in their peaceful democracy protests and the government and royal family they said particularly the son the prince who was the head of the Olympic movement there he went on television and said anyone who participated in this we are an island, you will not be able to leave and we'll get you they picked out high profile particularly sports people Bahrainis who'd been on the street so they took all of the news footage and they circled people who they knew there was basketballers there was the captain of their national football team Hakim was one young player there was Judah Wockers and all of these people and they showed it on TV many of them said you're going to know we're coming for you they went to their house, they picked them up they found them wherever they fled to and they put them in jail and he was tortured for about 5 months so they sat him on a chair and they got a metal pipe and they were smashing his legs his thighs and saying we're going to break your legs so you never play football again and then they would stand him up after so many minutes of this obviously couldn't take any more, they would stand him up walk him around in pain so the blood would go back into the legs they could sit him down and go again and this happened over a period of many months so then he fled he ultimately ended up in Australia he got protection here, rightly and when he went back to Bangkok he thought he was going to have a lovely honeymoon and sadly for him, he didn't realise that the Thai king has been very close to the Bahraini king for a long time he got a lot of money from him when he was young and one of the ways they operate and interact with each other is that Thailand have very often sent people back to Bahrain dissidents and you got him back well a lot of people got him back the movement that came from Australia got him back to Australia and what's his go now? he's married up just not that keen to go back to Thailand he's not that keen to go back to Thailand he's been once, he doesn't have to go again he can go to the kindling next time he travelled domestically that's our advice it's a beautiful country brother there's plenty to see here so he's great he has a new house his son is about 9 months old now Elia and he's working, he's having a wonderful time and that was I guess, you know that was when we started seeing Fossey press conferences that weren't related to the world game not necessarily, not strictly related to the world game so that kind of got the ball rolling there from then as you said before you're an Australian wog how does it feel then to become this voice for high profile well not even high profile, for the unheard I guess how does it feel then to be kind of swung into that you're on the multicultural council board you're doing all this kind of stuff what do you view yourself as now you're no longer a footballer really you're an advocate, you're a activist I don't know everything's changed but I do like change I think that we have to keep moving anyway I love the game of football but I approach it in a very different way to what I did many years ago that was a process that was already under way when we did the Russia World Cup in 2018 we went to that World Cup and I explained to SBS that abuses that are occurring here are part of this tournament and so you start to see sport through a very different lens so we started that World Cup for the first time by opening up and me saying listen Lucy to be honest with you I feel uncomfortable being here I had to question whether it's right to actually come here and support a country that's using sport to burnish it's image and for political capital so it was very different discussions we had the head of or one of the directors of Amnesty Russia on our coverage for example and that was quite confronting for a lot of people it was confronting for some people in SBS but that was kind of my journey and bringing along our sports coverage into that zone and to Julian's point earlier culturally that's a little bit abnormal for sport because while your art Julian is very much predicated on broader society and every social issue is in your personal purview because you're expressing it you're coming to it somehow that's not sport that's kind of being rare sports people whether it's through their own culture through their own ethnicity through their own religion through their own experiences it differs but sport itself has tried to propagate this notion that it exists outside of society it's not interested in it you shouldn't be interested in it and in fact the worst we certainly don't want you talking about it so look at the black power salute in the 1968 Olympics you know you had Billie Jean King gender equality in the late 60s early 70s and so there's been great activists in sport through history but they've been ostracized excluded and very often smashed the great one was 2017 NRL grand final when the NRL decided to bring Macklemore to sing Same Love at a halftime entertainment Peter Dutton and Tony Abbott come out and go if they get to have the pro vote yes someone should sing a song representing like no as well you're not going to find anyone sings a song at the AFO we're going to get meatloaf or Kid Rock and they go yeah politics should stay out of sport mate last year you had Jimmy Barnes singing K-San you know the story about getting conscripted and having your life ruined by going to Vietnam I got some pretty political stuff was it rugby union when they want to take a knee or was it rugby league something was happening in rugby league and so he calls the chair of rugby league he makes a personal call and says Liz I don't think I'm not comfortable with that and all of a sudden rugby pull it right? but sports got nothing to do with politics and then when you need a bit of a push you need you know you need a bit of a voter push or you need a bit of the cool you know real ochre Aussie you need to make sure that you get to a sporting match and get in the change room and all this stuff so sports always been used of course that's clear I mean 1995 rugby union world cup Mandela you know that was the end of the apartheid that was a pretty big month Kathy Freeman 2000 Olympics 6 years before she nearly loses a career for Karen Aboriginal Flag when sport thinks that it's a good idea it's now cool to do that we're going to use her at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but you know only say enough you know don't go too far so sport likes to radicalise people who are going to speak too much about social issues so look I work with Tom Ridge University I'm an adjunct professor at the moment this is really the field my field of interest is capturing what's happening in Black Lives Matter capturing what happened in Hakim and Hakim is a great example but basically encouraging athletes and talking to young sports people who I call sporting citizens and telling them that you actually have a responsibility to do something here if the world is burning it's no good going and throwing a football it's no good throwing a rugby ball or kicking a ball at some point you're going to have to cross over into society okay and every citizen has that responsibility and just because there's a white line and you're going to step over and play tennis does not absolve you A of a responsibility as a citizen but B and more importantly it actually is not a barrier to speaking out yeah right and have you finding much success have you had these conversations with young athletes yes but not to a great degree yes I'm writing a course that will be released for Tom Ridge University later in the year about sport and humanity and it essentially asks the question about you know what is sports responsibility there's a bit of a social trend though I think around the world you see business activists now coming out a lot more I understand even in sport a lot of it's performative we all get that right but you know look at Cannon Brooks for example you know the Atlassian dudes all of a sudden you know it's a very different generation yeah and it's nothing for them to speak up on whatever they're thinking well that's true but then the last generation you know we would say that financially but the last generation of Australian billionaires if you like were very much establishment yeah okay you know we work inside the system we're not saying crap we're not you know I mean when they certainly could never be characterised as activists in any respect so that's changed well yeah I guess they're just richer now they don't need to worry about a relationship with an Australian MP if you go back like 10 or 20 years like like some of the richest people in the country came here as refugees that's true yeah I think at one point it was four of six of the richest people all billionaires were refugees including I think I'm not sure but it might be triggered off certainly was Lowy and others Richard Pratt I think he came here as a child from Hungary which you know is again is just one of the many many elements of this puzzle as to how Australia can possibly find ourselves in a position where we actually torture them you know there's so many ironies the fact that we were a prison island and now we create prison islands that's crazy stuff and the fact that you know we colonise by boats and then anyone who comes by boat you know is a criminal I mean it's just like it's you couldn't it's so nonsensical it's just crazy stuff so I've saw some interesting numbers you've been working with Sonny Bill Williams of electrocution shoulder fame Sonny Bill Williams when he went over to Toulon to play a match of rugby union the Frenchman that he Sonny Bill put a Canterbury Banks town bulldog style tackle on a French rugby union player and the man's quote was it felt like I had been electrocuted I'm sure it would by the way I'm sure it would and he's a boxer he's a rugby union player he's an all black he's a world champion a rooster he's a multiple premiership bulldog footballer what's it like can't play cricket can't play cricket can't back up can he paint what's he like with a scalp there were some numbers you guys were putting out there I remember you were talking about the money spent on offshore detention I actually saw Sonny Bill say where's the money gone bro to Scott where's the money gone what kind of numbers did you guys kind of stumble across there when you started looking at all this yeah so recently you would have seen that when we went over to Queenstown for the bilateral meeting between Jacinda Ardern and Scott Morrison so we took the opportunity to go and make a bit of noise there we asked to get in the meeting we obviously didn't expect that was going to happen but we wanted to talk about the New Zealand deal that's been on the table for 8 years for successive New Zealand governments have wanted to resettle 150 refugees from offshore they're still 240 as we speak now and so all of this would have been behind us 4 years ago if that was the case and 3 successive governments Prime Ministers in Australia Abbott, Turnbull and Morrison have all said no haven't accepted that deal so we went over there to say listen you have to get these people off it's 8 years for Christ's sake I mean at some point you've got to we have to bring this to an end anyway he was making the point that in the recent budget there's 800 million dollars of taxpayer money being spent on 240 people offshore this year 800 million dollars brilliant fucking policy over 3 million dollars how many people is it? 240 I think it's 3.3 million dollars for this year per refugee are we doing it again? are they doing it again this year? that's this year right? that's in the year that we need to really tighten our belt because we need to get out of this so called recession or maybe they think we're in a surplus though maybe they've got a bit of free cash floating they forgot to move the was it a 60 billion dollar miscalculation? no it was twice as cheap as they thought it was like this is great news it's like what else have you fucked up? more money for refugees detainment of refugees yeah that's right and there's something like 50 million on the billow family alone 800 and so there was a piece recently I think it was in the Guardian that said the company that the private contractor so we've privatized all this out right so there's all this profiteering and gouging going on and there's literally been hundreds of millions of dollars of profit from our pockets to companies to torture innocent refugees that is a fact so there was a story that said this company allegedly is paying locals $8 an hour and is charging us $75 an hour per for the wage yeah so the company was in Moresby and the company that was paid to run the detention centre up on Manus the head office of that company was a beach house on Kangaroo Island they're called Paladin people said I think it was a closed tender process from memory that meant it was just one person one company put in a quote they accepted that, that was literally billions of dollars and so some people in the media thankfully said well we wouldn't mind going to speak to these people you know let's see what they're about you know how they're doing this they called them out they couldn't get them so they went and they found a tiny little beach shack where it was registered to in a field you know next to the ocean no human in sight what I don't understand for the last year after year watching it we all know it I don't speak to a single person that goes it's a bunch of bullshit it's shame, shame, shame Darren Hinch all over it right? yeah year after year everyone yet it still rolls on I'm still trying am I partly responsible should I have done more I was talking to Fozzie over Christmas Fozzie was saying to me I think I need to get arrested I'm like what role do we all have how much do we all have to say we don't want this before it ends the Iraq war a good example of millions of people across the world marched against the Iraq war what do you think we all know what the interests were there what do you think the interests are here where 800 million dollars can be spent what is to be gained it's not like we're draining oil out of Moresby what is to be gained well it's three things one is Australia has a history of yellow peril and we're very easily convinced and it's really dangerous that we can very easily be swayed as a country to mistreat and this is a really great example we're prepared to torture people if convinced that they're coming here to do something either to come and get you and so that's why they sold all of the married daughters well that's the second one so you're talking about criminals, terrorists, blah blah blah complete lies but very easily triggers Australia triggers voters and triggers many people in the country and that's part of our history there's a really wonderful doco I'd encourage all of your listeners they've probably already seen admission impossible and it's a fabulous documentary that goes into the history of immigration the first piece of policy the first act in 1901 of the new federation was the immigration restriction act that was the white Australia white European people to come and keep everyone out, in fact get rid of Chinese get rid of any other blacks who happen to be in the country and as we know that went to the early 70s to Whitlam, right? So we have this as part of our psyche and if you have a very large part of the national media and News Limited played a very significant role in this in what is largely propaganda you know, convincing Australians that these people are something they're not it's very easy to turn and it's easy to turn many countries, we've seen that in history, it's very dangerous but Australia we have this in our history I think it's something we really need to overcome. The second part is racism because the first question is the only question is would we be doing this to white people from Britain or US as Barnaby Joyce said, the new acting Prime Minister said those little girls probably wouldn't have spent that long Christmas on if their names were Jane and Sally. That's exactly what he said and I thought bloody hell Barnaby, Jesus It's going to be a problem for Scott Morrison I looked at the name Barnaby, I thought that was really absolutely spot on he didn't name it but what he said is okay this is racist and he's absolutely right, so that underpins a great deal of this, well it underpins all of it but it's a very significant factor and the last factor is that there's been votes in it. So when you put all of that mix and then you put the predominance of the media who have wanted to whether it's support certain ideologies or whatever their motivation is has played a very significant role in this, we're in a very very very bad place and one of the reason I fight so hard for it is I sat next to Les Murray who people smugglers got Les's family in from Hungary here in the 50s so I have very long term personal friends who actually are refugees but more than that I just think that this goes to the very essence of who we are. Along with First Nations stolen generation and the atrocities that have gone on there, I see these people including just this morning Julian met Moz and Farhad the two Kurdish refugees who've become very close friends of mine who got out of Mitre and Mantra some months ago. They're both artists singers, they're in town for a concert at the Sydney town hall I see them as incredibly important cultural figures in Australia I don't just see them as refugees who okay it's good now that they're out I see them as people who can speak truth to Australia about the depths to which we descended when given that climate, given the trigger of 9-11 given the environment for people to then push us as a country into a really dark area, these guys really represent that and so I'm committed now not just to getting all the others out and get their freedom but actually to making these people well known in Australia. We've got a film coming out soon it's called Freedom is Beautiful with our mate and Julian's great mate Angus McDonald, the artist and the reason for that is to get it into schools, get them in front of people I want them on a prime television I want Australia to know who these two great human beings are because I believe fundamentally like this is where we started when I put them in front of Australians I think this policy is going to end because they know the people and they can't look in their eyes, hear the suffering and hear the story and possibly continue to do this as a country Well I just guess in the scheme of things we're lucky this little white boy from Lismore has been spent enough time around people from different parts of the world and of course he's everything that you do, you give a voice to and Julian the same painting Fozzie, it's all part of I guess one big great push that I guess we'll be seeing in the next couple, what did you say the name of that? Doco, the film is called Freedom is Beautiful and it tracks the life of these guys, why they fled but particularly delves into how they suffered, how art and music was their resistance and now shows them on the outside and talks about this concept of freedom that as Australians we take far too lightly Okay and Julian next year you'll be painting Sonny Bill Williams for the 2022 Archimald Fyfe, you reckon? They're going to play Fozz again, they're going to make it easy They're going to die to the charm Or even Barnaby The new Fozzie Barnaby Well thanks for joining us today Jeremy, it was an interesting yarn but kind of veering between art and sport and I guess as we've learnt you've got more in common with each other than most people would think, I do think you play one minute of a state of origin match, you kind of get paid the equivalent of an Archibald prize And if you win the Archibald you've got to give half of that to the federal government because they've got bills to pay Big ones Yeah we just learnt about them Well thanks for joining us today Julian Thanks for joining us today Fozzie Pleasure, thanks so much I wonder if their names were Jane and Sally That's exactly what he said, and I thought bloody hell Barnaby, Jesus It's going to be a problem for Scott Morrison I looked at the name Barnaby, I thought too That was really absolutely spot on He didn't name it, but what he said is okay this is racist, and he's absolutely right So that underpins a great deal of this, well it underpins all of it but it's a very significant factor And the last factor is that there's been votes in it, okay So when you put all of that mix and then you put the predominance of the media who have wanted to, whether it's support certain ideologies or whatever their motivation is has played a very significant role in this we're in a very very very bad place, and one of the reason I fight so hard for it is I mean I sat next to Les Murray people smugglers got Les's family in from Hungary here in the 50s So I have very long term personal friends who actually are refugees, but more than that I just think that this goes to the very essence of who we are, along with First Nation stolen generation and the atrocities that have gone on there I see these people including, you know, just this morning Julian met Moz and Farhad the two Kurdish refugees who've become very close friends of mine who got out of Maitre and Mantra some months ago They're both artists, singers they're in town for a concert at the Sydney town hall I see them as incredibly important cultural figures in Australia I don't just see them as refugees who, okay it's good now that they're out I see them as people who can speak truth to Australia about the depths to which we descended when given that climate given the trigger of 9-11 given the environment for people to then push us as a country into a really dark area, these guys really represent that, and so I'm committed now not just to getting all the others out and get their freedom, but actually to making these people well known in Australia, we've got a film coming out soon, it's called Freedom is Beautiful with our mate and Julian's great mate Angus McDonald, the artist, and the reason for that is to get it into schools, get them in front of people, I want them on a prime television I want Australia to know who these two great human beings are, because I believe fundamentally this is where we started when I put them in front of Australians I think this policy is going to end, because they know the people and they can't look in their eyes, hear the suffering and hear the story, and possibly continue to do this as a country Well, I just guess in the scheme of things we're lucky this little white boy from Lismore has been spent enough time around people from different parts of the world, and of course he's everything that you do, you give a voice to, and Julian the same, painting Fozzie, it's all part of I guess one big great push that I guess we'll be seeing in the next couple of months, what did you say the name of that? Doco, the film is called Freedom is Beautiful, and it tracks the life of these guys, why they fled, but particularly delves into how they suffered, how art and music was their resistance and now shows them on the outside and talks about this concept of freedom that as Australians we take far too lightly Okay, and Julian, next year you'll be painting Sony Bill Williams for the 2022 Archibald Fies, you reckon? Maybe I'll play Fozz again, make it easy Yeah, third time's the charm Or even Barnaby Yeah, the new Fozzie, Barnaby George Well thanks for joining us today It was an interesting yarn kind of veering between art and sport, and I guess as we've learnt you've got more in common with each other than most people would think I do think you play one minute of a state of origin match you kind of get paid the equivalent of an Archibald prize, but you know I guess If you win the Archibald you've got to give half of that to the federal government, because they've got bills to pay Big ones Well thanks for joining us Julian, thanks for joining us today Fozzie, pleasure, thanks so much
ClickHole	beautiful_watch_these_men_take_turns_explaining_the_premise_of_boardwalk_empire_to_one_another	Are you ready? Yes. Boardwalk Empire follows the exploits of politician, gangster, and bootlegger, Nucky Thompson, in Prohibition-era Atlantic City. Nucky must navigate an ever-changing cast of enemies and friends, politicians, cops, criminals, and lawyers, alliances and betrayals in his quest for power, money, women, and booze. So Viper's pit, he must navigate in his quest to build a boardwalk empire. The place, Atlantic City. The time, the 1920s. The man, Enoch Nucky Thompson, a political figure with a lust for wealth, power, and women. He, along with his brother, Sheriff Eli Thompson, and his young protege, Jimmy Darmody. Prohibition is being enacted at midnight. Yet these men, gangsters, who profit from the liquor trade, are celebrating. Why? Because now the price of liquor is going to skyrocket. Prohibition is going to bring them their fortunes. But with that comes federal agents, scrutiny, outside intrusion, and betrayal. Nucky and his crew will have to overcome all that comes down that short New Jersey road if they are ever going to build their boardwalk empire.
Wizards_with_Guns	if_we_treated_milk_like_aged_wine_	Hello, my name is Perry, I will be your sommelier. Oh, okay, sorry, I was expecting somebody. Would you like something to drink while you wait? Perhaps an 81 or an 82? Oh, no thanks, I don't drink wine. Wine? No, no, no, no, no, no. Milk. Milk? Yes, milk, pit the table. Would you like something from this decade? This decade? How about from this year? This month? Okay, monsieur, would you like the white or the red? Oh, God, no, I'm not interested. Ah, a man of class, I see. Perhaps you'd like a cultured gerbil? Gerbil? Is that French or something? No, I milked a gerbil. Please leave. Perhaps a tasting is in order. Starting with our most vintage terry. No, I don't want to taste anything. But of course, first you must smell. Oh my God. I'm getting notes of lemon, onion, and beef. It's not wine, okay? So why are you spitting? Because I am lactose intolerant. Yeah, no, I'm getting the beef now. Fine. You are one tough milk fruit to crack. Milk fruit? You mean coconut? My final recommendation is a 33 Curtis Vermont, paired excellently with a gorgonzola bleu cheese. Okay. Where's the milk? That is the milk. That's it. I don't want any of your milks. By the way, milk by itself, even if it's fresh, it's just gross. What are you doing? Oh, please don't. Don't do a spit take. That will be $3,000. What? No, $3,000? I don't even have that kind of money. Well, if you cannot pay in cash, then you will pay... In milk. What? Okay, I'm kidding, I'm at it now. If I puke, the first thing I do is drink it with a glass and then I go. Just guzzle it.
TheOnion	Live_Feed_Obama_Attends_The_White_House_Maintenance_Staff_Annual_Dinner	with only an auric electric room it has been a year full of emotional ups and downs for the white house maintenance staff none of us will forget the incident that shut down the south portico entrance for a full 48 hours or the mole rat infestation of the west colony but there have been many achievements as well a smooth transition into new protocols for cordoned off pedestrian areas during external window seasonal services and of course the installation of the bryant central air system now no special night like tonight would be complete without mentioning steven rashant steven some may disagree with your decision to change from spray on flash free safety solvent and degreaser to citrus cleaner but no one can deny the leadership that you have shown in fact when i think of the accomplishments that you've made in the south portico sunroom i can't help but recall my memories of working with beverly chee missed you you were an angel so everyone enjoy the rest of your evening the work we do is some of the most important work any custodian could ever hope to do thank you that's much better huh it's really great to see the entire white house maintenance staff together in the same room the only other time that happens is when the vispac master controller key is missing i have to say that it's amazing for me to get to stand here tonight following in the steps of dale haney kevin tennyson and glenn nichols glenn will need to leave early tonight he's got a special high level meeting down at drakes wholesale and supply don't forget the ccs account number there glenn okay without further ado i am really thrilled to introduce the next guest i'm sure you've seen her on tv and in the movies janine garafolo it is so exciting to be here i feel like a lawn maintenance foreman who just got budgeted for a lewis m7 lawn aerator oh what's this they've actually ordered one with 60 inches with spring activated tines you ever notice how long guys love anything spring activated hey give me a spring activated companion leap ring give me a spring activated drag
cracked	why_a_co_worker_threesome_is_a_bad_idea	That's child abuse Which part absolutely everywhere that followed hey Dan I've got a great idea for a video that'll tie into Mother's Day Oh like you know how every kid in the world feels about being drunk. You'll see when this video goes all huge. You'll be all oh Michael oh I do I do declare your videos positive Michael did you say Michael as in Michael Swaim? Come in name Commonest dirt in this town Hell no Wheeler Kelly how do I know that name? Do you try to kill me in the future? I can't know that but uh no, I'm an old friend of Daniel's you called me about a year ago Said you wanted a best friends threesome best friends threesome Did we ever do that? Michael you're asking Kelly Wheeler who you're clearly just meeting now for the first time if she's had sex with you and me Within the last year you would never remember that that is a question you're asking You're saying it was bad. You made it bad. I think it didn't happen Michael obviously and now Kelly Wheeler is here to gun to my head. I'd go with Sue you No For having sex with her I can hardly be blamed for that you didn't have sex with her and that would be a terrible defense What no, yeah sure you are you'll it'll come to you give it I was just in the neighborhood and I wanted to stop by and tell you guys in person that I'm down Let's threesome I'm a huge fan of AOC When you say your penis all up inside of my body but also his And when you say his here Dan, we're not in high school anymore. I've gone I'm an adrenaline junkie now. I started a fight club with the family of bears I've raised cars in Tokyo and I steal things a lot. Yeah, I sort of guessed that You guys are practically famous back home a heaving West Hokkaido with two almost actual J list web celebrities seem right at my alley That's what they call a threesome in Japan. Come on, dude. This could be your last chance to lose the V car It'll be goodbye Dan Simon. Hello hands diamond private eye what forget it. I'm not a virgin Michael I just look like one an act like one. It's the way you carry yourself like you're afraid of being touched Okay, Jesus. All right, everybody this come on Kelly Wheeler, you know, tell him I'm not a V we uh the two of us What's upon a Closet there was I can't find any order of those words that makes sense He's saying when he was on the East Coast and you were a pig you guys Oh that Never happened. No. Yes. It did. Yes. It did. Come on. You remember it was it was senior year Right after the homecoming game. It was in the in the closet of the band room It was the most moving experience of both our lives. I went right home after the game I stored the mascot costume in the closet first. So I guess that means You my tone implies that you finished the sentence. I got this one buddy. You had sex with an empty pig costume Yes, nothing is better than today It was in the past and now I do want to have sex with you Mr. Daniel, you have three minutes to be turgid or I'm jumping on the next blimp to the East Coast So I don't need to explain to you how into this idea I am, right? I mean that's clear and you be in there too. That's part of it for me That's the mindset if not from your past behavior then certainly by your clearly visible direction. Sure. I see Now comes the part where Dan pisses all over this awesome thing. How are you gonna do it this time Dan? Oh Michael oh I say this sex insults the honest of my lady parts piss piss piss piss piss Alright compelling arguments. I'll go tell Kelly the deals off Then I'll tell her my pants are off then I'll say how about a new deal and then I'll say Frankly, I'm about to Delano all over your Roosevelt's Dylan sort of got away from you, huh? I don't think it did. All right. I'm gonna go tell Kelly that you got cold balls and threw up Wait now, there's a lot to process just this second hold on Dan Don't tease me if you're into stuff like this and throw our whole dynamic out away ordinarily No, I wouldn't be but that was before I never technically had sex with Kelly Wheeler now Who knows? I mean, she's not just some girl Michael It's my dream girl. I just always thought that one day She'd be my lady we talking about the woman or the hollow pigskin that you drilled in a tuba clock you heard her back there Michael She fights bears or eats scorpions or something. I don't know I just I know that I can't compete with that kind of danger and excitement not My own anyway, are you saying that you need my quasi-legal fetishes and weird dick to make this happen Is that what I'm saying? Jesus? I guess hot wheels. I need my hot wheels. Where are my hot wheels? Cuz I mean this could be my in right? The I could parlay this into something greater next stop relation town. I cannot even hear you I'm literally deaf with how awesome this is gonna be we should make rules Okay rule number one whenever our dicks touch we make a lightsaber. No fart sound Happened yet, it's like Regret So I'm gonna go Don't try and find me not in a mean way. It's just you won't be able to so, you know time saver But seriously don't man You got a weird-looking dick that was your dick really look like yours because they were on top of each other That's why I was making all those fart sounds Yes

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