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cracked | the_real_reason_we_should_care_about_president_donald_trump_s_mar_a_lago_some_news_special_report | Hello, I'm a news person, and here is some special news. Amateur scientists and professional sleuthers at the Washington Post and other news outlets have discovered tangible proof of the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics, and it was right under our noses the entire time. Or rather, one very specific orange nose.
No. No, that's... No, that's not even a real fish!
Trump's nose! Talk about Trump's nose! Nailed it.
The many-worlds interpretation, more commonly called the multiverse theory, is the idea that every possible outcome of past events played out in a parallel universe, of which there are an infinite number. Basically, every single alternate history you can imagine totally exists in one of these parallel worlds. And it looks as if gateways to these fanciful timestreams are hidden in each one of President Donald J. Trump, the President's, numerous private golf clubs. With us to describe the alternate dimension channeling into our world through these golf clubs, is one of the President's most trusted national archivists, many historians.
Many? Hello, it's great to be here. I can't imagine why.
Now, many, Mr. Historians, until the discovery of this parallel dimensional wormhole, I think it's safe to say that most Americans, myself included, assumed the President was lying, or perhaps incredibly stupid, when he would do things like imply Frederick Douglass is still alive, or that the Panama Canal was recently constructed and cite you as his source. But now we know that the President has merely confused the history of the parallel world contained within his 17 private country clubs with the established reality with which his constituents are more familiar. That's absolutely correct, Cody. You see, in our timeline, Frederick Douglass has been alive for centuries, and President Trump himself oversaw the completion of the Panama Canal just a few months ago, after being inspired by a water hazard in one of his legendary golf courses. Fascinating. Now, two weeks ago, the Washington Post's David Farenhold discovered that there are Time Magazine covers hanging in eight of President Donald J. Trump, the President's private golf clubs, of which he owns 17, representing an issue of the magazine that doesn't exist. Of course, all of us assumed that this meant that the cover was a hilarious phony, which despite looking like a high school class President's campaign poster, is framed and displayed prominently in roughly half of the private resorts, bearing the President's name, despite the fact that they made Jimmy Carter sell his humble peanut farm.
Now, are we safe in assuming, given this new information, that this is in fact a genuine Time Magazine cover that came from an issue that was actually published in your parallel dimension? Absolutely, yes. This is perhaps the most famous cover of any magazine ever produced, even more so than that National Geographic one with a picture of the hooded Afghan refugee girl. Well, I can see why it features a dignified picture of Donald J. Trump, the racist Marzaban sculpture that was recently elected President of a whole country, along with a headline congratulating him on his TV show, which is not a thing that Time Magazine does. Cody, Time Magazine has a long history of commenting exuberantly on network television programs on their covers. In your universe. Sure. The not photoshopped and totally real issue, dated March 1st, 2009, is an incredible scientific discovery, in that it is a relic from a parallel world.
Do you think President Trump would be willing to donate some of them to a research institute or a university for further study? Absolutely. The President can print out as many of those as we need. Remarkable.
I also wanted to take a moment to point out the headline across the top that reads, Trump is hitting on all fronts, even in TV, with an exclamation point, which is not a thing Time Magazine does in our world. So I wanted to know, in your reality, Mr. Historians, like, what fronts, man? I mean, all of them, but like, which ones specifically? The reality TV show front, aaaand... The magazine cover front.
This discovery also sheds brilliant new light on the Civil War Memorial contained in his Virginia course commemorating the historic Civil War battle, The River of Blood, which is not a battle that ever took place in our world. Indeed, many historians, other than yourself, many historians, confirmed that zero battles of the Civil War took place anywhere near President Trump's adult playtime camp. Cody, it is the most famous battle of the Civil War. I've read many papers by numerous historians written about The River of Blood.
Numerous historians is my esteemed colleague, of course, although I want to make it clear that we're not of relation. Indeed. Now, the President cites your colleague, numerous historians, in his justification for the seemingly fake and made-up battle. His explanation for the timeline discrepancy makes an incredible amount of sense in light of the discovery of this parallel world, because he suggests that was a prime site for river crossings. So, if people are crossing the river, and you happen to be in a Civil War, I would say that people were shot. A lot of them. Now, taken at face value, this is utter f***ing gibberish. Of course. But, knowing what we now know about the parallel universe from which Trump draws most of his history, this string of previously insane words now takes on an elegant new life, because he seems to be referring to the many-worlds theory itself by suggesting, hey, many people could have been shot, so that means many people were shot in actual fact. That's absolutely correct, Cody.
The President is cunningly referring to the quantum physics interpretation that explains his seemingly contradictory view of history, which I and my colleagues can confirm is a matter of documented fact in our world, and not a bunch of hastily invented lies. In our world, Abraham Lincoln delivered his famous River of Blood address in the exact spot marked by the commemorative plaque on President Trump's private golf course. I cannot tell you what a relief it is for this reporter to learn that the President is not a liar or a dummy, but actually a plain-striding magician that merely confused the details of his intertwined realities. Now, is it safe to assume that in your reality, the emoluments clause doesn't exist, and a President is actually allowed to own 17 private country clubs, hotels, and other businesses that create a direct conflict of interest with the office?
Oh no, that's illegal as s***. Everyone's just sort of fine with it, though. I can relate. It sucks. Yeah. He sucks.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching some of the news. If you want to subscribe to our channel, click the big C in the middle, and if you want notifications, click the bell icon. And if you want more news, I don't know, look at other places, because there's a lot of it. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_zombie_deer_disease_red_lobster_s_endless_lobster_experience_snl | Scientists are concerned that zombie deer disease could spread to humans, so please wear a condom. more of a warning than a joke. No, no, no, no. Boeing announced that the head of their troubled 737 Max program is leaving the company after he was sucked out of an emergency exit. Next Thursday is Leap Day, which means we got to wait till Friday for it to finally be over. a new study finds that women benefit from regular exercise at twice the rate of men, but on the other hand, jars. the stars of the 1968 version of Romeo and Juliet are suing Paramount to stop the digital release of their movie, which includes nude shots of them as teenagers.
Paramount has agreed to lock it away where no one will ever see it. Paramount Plus.
Red Lobster is celebrating its annual lobster Fest by offering 150 people a two-hour endless lobster experience, where you can take a lobster into a private room and do anything you want to. an 84-year-old woman from Canada is attempting to join the Wnba, and early scouting reports say she can really mop the court with her long-ass titties. New York City police are trying to determine the owner of a human leg found abandoned on a Bronx subway track. The top theory so far, being the guy yelling, ah! thanks, man. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Melb_Earthquake_Not_As_Bad_as_Lockdown_An_Indian_Joint_Delivers_The_Drunk_Guy_Special_A_Man_Ge_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin you've got in the booth today myself Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman is joining me today the others Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker are out east at the Bundaberg show they're doing a bit of reporting on the grounds there if you're in Bunda you've probably seen them around town they're having a bit of fun I believe. With some reptiles. Yes, playing with snakes and looking at the prize winning bantams and of course a sleep apnea stand a range of different activities on rides the lot and plenty of rum. What have we got up first Effie?
Well kicking off our weekly news and an Indian joint watching drunk blokes stumble up the street starts dishing up a butter chicken and garlic naan. Yes, having served Batutah's intoxicated community for over eight years Tandoori Palace store owner Sanjeev Kapoor knows his target market and can predict what his customers will order before they even step foot inside his business. Last night was no different as Sanjeev watched a half cut suit labour up the street from the cobbler's boot a CBD watering hole that attracts crowds of corporates on Friday night spotting the white suburban man stumble up the road towards his bright signage like a half-brained zombie that spotted a fresh kill Sanjeev went into autopilot and started to whip up a feed for a man he knew would be keen for some curry and some carbs. Dishing up a layer of basmati rice into a plastic container Sanjeev barely needed to take his eye off the in-store TV as he slopped over two ladles of his famous butter chicken onto the rice and patted it down with the spoon handle. What's your go-to drunk?
I see you as like a HSP man. No, I don't mind a curry. Curry? What about you? I have no patience. I go for the chicken skewers or slice of pizza because I'm not waiting. I want something now. The $6 chicken skewers.
And up next a bloke at self-checkout committing type of crime that got ancestors sent to Australia. Yes, Batutah Heights man Andrew Houston has turned to a life of mild crime in order to get by it's been reported by becoming one of the many supermarket shoppers who attempted to make Coles and Woolies pay for replacing checkout staff with robots by stealing a few unexpected items in the bagging area. While it may seem harmless to everyone who is not a supermarket shareholder, Houston is playing with fire and history as he commits the sort of crime that got his ancestors sent to Australia in the first place. Just like his ancestors who saw Botany Bay appear on the horizon for stealing some potatoes and a loaf of bread, Houston could be forced to shop at another supermarket if he gets caught scanning steak as brown onions ever again.
And up next Melbourne residents says 3.8 magnitude earthquake not really as bad as the extra long lockdown they had to endure to protect the rest of the country even though no one has ever said thank you or whatever. Yes more than a year since the limelight faded on the Melbourne residents after they were finally released from their state sanctioned quarantine, the city is thrilled to be at the centre of attention again. Yes the 3.8 magnitude quake struck 3km deep in the north western suburb of Sunbury around 11.40pm Tuesday according to the geoscience experts tracking the Richter measurements in southern Victoria. However despite the fact that Melbourne's inner city have managed to centre themselves in this news story, residents are making a point of telling everyone that the earthquake isn't that bad. Speaking to the Batutah advocate today Carlton North resident Nova Cabaret 34 says this isn't nearly as bad as the lockdown. People outside of Melbourne don't understand, we did like 300 days or something? The longest lockdown in the world she continued. It wasn't fun but we did it so the virus wouldn't spread, I think the nation kind of owes us a bit. Anyway an earthquake wasn't that bad. Good on you Nova, we don't care.
And lastly chiropractors says that soreness will take at least 12 sessions and cost $12,500 to understand. Yes Lake Batutah based chiropractor Dr Brent Tadlam who owns and runs Rorness Energy Chiro downtown has offered his patient a treatment plan to fix a sore ankle for just $12,500 which involves cracking his back for some reason. Spouting random words such as Loxy 1 and subluxation of the spine as he snorted a bag of white mystery powder, Tadlam was heard gleefully saying how much he loves being a fucking doctor bro before offering the patient a two for one deal if his infant needs his back cracked too. Dr Tadlam then bragged about how no session took longer than 5 minutes and that he prided himself on holding the record for the most patients billed per hour in his entire region. That's why my clinic's open plan bro, I can race around to more patients quicker, 7 sessions every 5 minutes, yeah boy.
Anyway that's all from us this week, thank you for tuning in, enjoy your weekend. See you later. |
TheOnion | VIRAL_VIDEO_High_School_Sophomore_Sinks_Incredible_Unnecessary_Half_Court_Shot | Back now with the viral video that has the whole world on its feet cheering. A miraculous basketball shot taken by an unlikely player from well beyond the half court line. Sophomore Ryan Jurgens was the last player to make the squad, but when his coach put him in for the first time, boy did it pay off. What an incredible shot. Joining us today are Ryan Jurgens and his coach Bob Gallivan.
Thank you for being here. Thanks for having us.
Coach Gallivan, how happy were you when you saw that last second buzzer beater to win the big game? Oh, we did not win that game. It was not the last second. Ryan took that shot with one minute in the first quarter. Well, still, it was an amazing play.
Totally unnecessary. Basketball is a game of teamwork and fundamentals. He's not even looking.
I'm on TV. What's up? Ryan, settle down. You're not my dad. So, Ryan, this must be exciting, 20 million views and counting. Can you walk us through that shot?
All right, so I'm there and I'm totally open, but fat Mike is... Michael Kelly, not fat Mike.
Anyway, I grabbed the rock. Stole it from his teammate. Was anybody talking to you, Bob? So I took it. I threw it. It went in and then I went over to Bob and I was like...
It's an amazing play. Coach, have you ever run a play like this before? Absolutely not. That was a broken play by any definition of the term. Well, had you ever seen him make a shot like this in practice?
Ryan rarely shows up to practice, and when he does, he usually picks fights with his teammates and we have to ask him to leave. Coach, it was an amazing play. What do you think is the key to Ryan's success? I'd say he has an incredible amount of energy, severe impulse control problems, and a bad home life. I understand Ryan's unbelievable shot inspired his teammates. I've lost complete control of the team.
Hold on, hold on. We have some video of a recent game. My main message to your viewers is to please stop watching. Do not encourage this behavior. Oh, let's see that again. A lot of kids are forfeiting a chance at a college scholarship.
Ryan, what advice do you have for other high school basketball players? Nobody can tell you what to do. Do whatever you want. Fuck basketball.
We're going to end our segment with a very special treat. Jim here is going to play Ryan in a game of horse. Now, you do know, of course, that I played a little basketball back in the day in high school. You're up, Ryan. Come on, let's see that buzzer beater shot. Come on, Ryan, dog. Let's go. Come on, let's see a little bit of that last second buzzer beater magic, okay? Three, two, one. Shoot the ball, Ryan. Come on, make an effort, son.
Okay, we can wait. Have it your way. We've got all day. |
SaturdayNightLive | tortu_matic_saturday_night_live | Having a hard time taking physical abuse, maybe your endurance for pain is lagging behind most people. torturematic may be just what you need. learn to tolerate immense suffering. use it on the hips, the thighs, the neck, the buttocks, the shoulders, the skull, and the biceps. instead of being one of the party who always says, ow, that hurts when getting hot coffee spilled in your hand, you can be really special and say, gee, that felt great. with Torturematic, physical pain, endurance outfit, you become a more exciting human being as your capability to withstand torture goes up.
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SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mimi_morales_saturday_night_live | This election year, Republicans are trying harder than ever to court Latino voters. Here with her perspective is a get out the vote volunteer from Florida.
Mimi Morales Okay, like oh my god it is like so great to be here to talk about politics because I'm like always talking about this stuff anyways, and all my friends are like sure, oh well, that's great, and I'm sorry. and then who is that? Oh, that's my boyfriend. he's the mannequin.
Stop it. Would you stop it, Don't?
Okay, so Mimi, um, let's talk about the importance of the Latino vote. what do you think I'm trying to do? Okay, thank you. um okay, so this election is so important. don't this election is so important for Latino voters?
Don't? I'm sorry. do you guys do you guys need a second? oh, I'm sorry. he's like so stupid all the time and then why would you bring him with you on television? He is like so protective set but like I love that. that's like a Dominican thing. no, you know, that's like a man said. Okay, well Mimi, what's your opinion on Obama's proposed dream act? okay, so I know this one so like I like the dream act said but like not all immigration because like I have some uncles right now who should not be here. So like I would vote for Obama though cuz he's like funny but like I also like romney cuz he's also funny but like in a different way. like how my cousin is funny cuz he's like there's something wrong. Who else? No, sorry, Mimi. do you even did you even watch the convention speeches? yes, but like honestly, I was really distracted.
Did you see Chris Christie? he was like so big. said did you see him? he was like the end of Ghostbusters, you know, you know, like that marshmallow sailor at the end of Ghostbusters? He was like stomping all over Tampa. That's like dangerous when you are so big I'm so angry.
You know what you need to tell him. oh, you know, I'm not gonna tell him that that. do you like Latina women? I don't Everybody does. Do you have a girlfriend? Cuz my cousin little squeaky is single now and she's like really nice, but she's like really aggressive and she has this like neck tattoo. it's a snake with the face of Jesus. well, it's all scared of her. Look at his face Mimi: what would Romney have to do to get your vote? you know what says on Mormons are a lot like Latinos? like don't like my dad. He wishes he could have a bunch of wives, but my mom is like no. So basically like in summary, this November Latinos need to vote and who are you voting for? oh, I can't go. I'm 17. everyone. |
TheOnion | Tiger_Woods_Fails_To_Qualify_For_Sex_With_Dive_Bar_Waitress | I don't know why the caged bird sings, I just wanted to get out of my face. I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doc Brooks. Get out of my face before I knock your mouth back with my bright metal bat, Kenny. Alright, alright.
Doc's in Pittsburgh for the Eagles-Stealers pre-season tilt. Doc, what do you got in the battle of Pennsylvania? Pennsylvania's a giant abandoned lot bookended by the trashiest cities in the country.
I can't wait to get out of here and shave my entire body. You think that's extreme? Wait till the doctor gets to Missouri. That state should be burned to the ground. Oh, shut your mouth. Shut up, Doc. Alright, we scrubbed our mugs of whiteheads and dead skin, so they're all squeaky clean for the face-off.
Tiger wins back of the news for all the wrong reasons. First, he misses the cut at the PGA Championship this past weekend. Now sources are saying that Tiger's very public sexual slump continued last night as he failed to qualify for an encounter with a cocktail waitress at a local dive bar. Really? Tiger used to look so cool. Yeah, almost remote nailing those strippers for so many years, but he just hasn't performed like he used to. You know, Tiger's mechanics, Kenny, are way out of whack. He's got 27 different swing coaches and 27 different strip clubs searching for the right technique.
That's the problem, you idiot. He has no idea what he's doing in bed. Too many cooks in the sex kit. The plain fact is his confidence is shocked, and it's affecting him as a lover. Look at this text message he sent to a hostess in Lake Tahoe. Listen, we still remember him as dominant, commanding, just grinding away at his craft like some sort of sleek onyx machine lightly bedewed with fragrant sweat. But we have to admit to ourselves that the guy is human. He's not going to fuck forever. You know, I'm not saying Tiger isn't already one of the most dominant sex havers of all time.
But my sources say that the girl from last night left Tiger at the bar to go get nailed by Steve Stricker. That's awful. No one should have sex with Steve Stricker. All right, Doug, close your mouth.
The 49ers have called up Dante Culpepper for a tryout, saying he's just what the team needs to lighten the mood around camp. Culpepper's a known quantity. He can put a smile on everyone's face with his goofy slapstick style of play. Culpepper really has the tools to cheer everyone up. You can put him out there on third and long and tell him to run the ball.
Seeing a big old guy getting chased around is always a good time. Ah, there's no greater joy than watching him absentmindedly step on the back of a lineman's foot and topple under the pass rush like a cow in an avalanche. Wrong! Biggest joy is watching a kicker try to tackle a guy. The total hopelessness, I love it.
Hey, Doc, it's Little League World Series time. Who you got winning it all? The Little League World Series is terrible.
It shouldn't be televised. It's an embarrassment. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, Doc. It's terrible.
You're being a killjoy here, and it's honestly making me respect you less. You haven't respected me for years, and there's nothing that kills my joy more than seeing children on TV instead of tennis. These kids have no fundamentals. I think they should pay the children. Everyone else is getting kicked off of this.
That's real! Their so-called home runs would barely get out of the infield in a regulation diamond, and they got metal bats. A real world series has the best teams, like the Yankees. Watching the Yankees play a team of children would be insane, Doc. Just remember, it's still baseball.
You can still drink to it. I can't drink in the presence of children. You think the coaches of those teams are sober? Think again. You get drunk first thing in the morning, your opinion is irrelevant. Ah, shut up.
And here's the nice thing. The guy who caught Jim Tomey's 600th home run is giving it to Derek Jeter. |
dropout | how_will_the_world_end_ask_ch | I think I know exactly how the world is going to end. First there's going to be like a super virus that's going to wipe out like everyone but like five percent of people. Or like everyone's fighting over resources, it's going to be like Mad Max, and then the kicker is people have forgotten about house cats. House cats have just completely taken over the wild, eating everything, killing everything. They have gotten a little bit bigger and way more wild and like braver, like they're not like intimidated by people. And there are just so many of them that people won't know what to do, like literally just tidal waves of cats coming at them, and those cats will wipe out everyone, and then it will just be a world of cats. That's how the world for humans will end. I'm not sure what's going to happen to the cats, I guess. So I don't necessarily know how the world will end, but I know how I want it to end.
Here's what happens. The magnetic poles reverse, and because of that, our brain starts dumping psychedelic chemicals into our head, DMT. All of humanity collectively starts tripping at the same time. What do you want to do when you're on a psychedelic drug? Fuckin' dance and fuck. Naturally the world as we know it is over because our minds will be expanded. We'll no longer see all of these limiting ideas like gender and race. All we will know is love. So we just dance to whatever great song Ellie Goulding has just put out, and then we are going to dance this earth until it flows into its own core. And we won't even care because we'll be on fucking planet Venus or wherever you go when you do DMT. How will the world end?
It's going to be a fiery, hellish experience all brought to bear by texting and driving. It's all going to start with a guy named Joe in his car texting his girlfriend. Joe is going to hit a woman named Caitlyn who's crossing the crosswalk, also texting so she did not see Joe coming. She's going to flip into the air, like meet Joe Black-style, like lands 15 yards away on the hand of a CIA agent named Mike who is texting about nuclear launch codes.
Mike's hand, once Caitlyn hits it, will mistakenly say, yes, launch those nukes. President picks up the red phone, tells our people to launch the nukes. North Korea is bombed. They start to bomb everywhere else that they can possibly bomb.
All of a sudden we're one fiery mushroom cloud of earth, and it all started because of texting and driving. I think texting and driving is a big joke. Well, it just destroyed the plan.
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TheOnion | Investigation_Reveals_Covid_19_Covering_Its_Tracks_By_Making_Victims_Deaths_Look_Like_Car_Accidents | The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announces the first confirmed case of COVID-19 spreading to a pet ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.
And later, is it time to take your pills? Yes it is. This is your daily reminder to take your pills.
If you enjoyed this feature, please rate and review the topical on Apple Podcasts to let us know. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical.
Don't go anywhere, because we're also going to remind you to go check your mailbox later, so stay with us.
As of this week, more than 80,000 people in the United States have been reported to have died from the coronavirus, but officials are now saying that these totals have failed to capture the true number of Americans dying in this pandemic. So how are we missing these other deaths? Well recent investigations have revealed that the coronavirus may have been covering its tracks by making victims' deaths look like car accidents as far back as January. OPR's Charles Dearborn joins me now with more on these troubling findings.
Hello Charles. Hi Leslie.
How did these cases go undetected for so long? On the surface, these car accidents look like any other accident you might see on the side of the road. A vehicle flipped over in a ditch, or twisted metal wrapped around a tree while a body lies in a mangled mess inside. And with poor winter road conditions, it made sense. In many of these cases, medical examiners didn't think at all to test for COVID-19. Well if that's the case, then what tipped off officials to recognize these cover-ups? Well once spring came, the number of accidents didn't seem to be slowing at all, but rather they were increasing and becoming even more severe. I spoke with Detective Phil Malnick of the New York City Police Department, who pinpointed exactly when his team began seeing suspicious signs that these crashes were no accident. We started finding dead bodies in cars that had either been driven off a cliff or crashed through a bridge guardrail into a river. But there was never any drinking or inclement weather involved. One car even appeared to have been set on fire after it failed to explode on impact with a gas station pump. But most peculiar was forensics found that many of the victims had died hours before the accidents even happened.
Then of course, there was the condition of the automobiles, clean. What does Detective Malnick mean by clean? Apparently the inside of the cars were too clean, as if they had been sanitized to remove any trace of a virus. He says the interior would smell faintly of bleach or Clorox wipes.
Okay, so Coronavirus was knocking people off unabated and covering up hits for the better part of 2020, how did authorities eventually come to realize that COVID was the culprit? Well, in many of the cases, the victims' lungs had been either removed or completely destroyed, until right around March. According to Detective Malnick, that's when COVID-19 started getting sloppy. A car had crashed into a cement barrier, looked very open and shut, but then we noticed that brake lines had been cut, so we looked a little closer, and that's when we saw that, unlike all the other bodies, this victim's lungs were still in his chest cavity. Our medical examiner found the lungs' air sacs filled with mucus and fluid, a common side effect related to COVID-19.
Wow, what a conniving little virus. So what kind of numbers are we looking at now for Coronavirus deaths in the U.S.? It could be thousands more. However, now that police and health officials have caught on to the ruse, they're worried that COVID-19 may have changed its M.O. We're looking into several odd-looking elevator shaft falls, boat drownings, and a few suicides that just don't add up. Now, we're not saying all of these are Coronavirus-related. They could have been accidents, or caused by jealous lovers or greedy business partners, but we're not taking anything for granted with this disease anymore. The one thing I can tell you is that Coronavirus is much more widespread than we first thought. Detective Malnick's team is also considering opening up several missing persons cases in case COVID-19 killed them and then dumped their bodies somewhere.
Charles, does this change at all what we should be doing to keep ourselves safe from Coronavirus? Oh, definitely. In addition to wearing a mask when going outside and frequently washing your hands, health officials are also recommending that you stay inside as much as possible, with the doors locked and the curtains drawn. If you do have to leave your home, make sure to change up your routes and check over your shoulder every now and then to see if you're being followed. And always avoid the edge of train platforms and open windows in case COVID-19 takes the opportunity to sneak up behind you. If you start to show symptoms of being stalked by the Coronavirus, you should contact the police immediately. Good advice, I know I'll be asking my wife to start the car every morning from now on just in case.
Thank you, Charles. That's OPR's Charles Dearborn.
Let me get you a car, hey, hey America If you think you've heard that song before, it's because you have. That's right, it's the new national pump-up anthem the U.S. government has started playing regularly throughout the day at full volume across the country to combat the growing listlessness and disillusionment that citizens have been experiencing during these trying times. OPR's Marcy Hammond joins us now with more. Marcy, I gotta admit, this song really slaps. Well that's exactly what the U.S. government was hoping you'd think. The pump-up anthem is called Hey Hey America, and more than 400 million dollars was allocated to creating the upbeat banger, all in an effort to reinvigorate an American populace that has been slowly sinking into a funk of inactivity and cynicism. I spoke with New Jersey representative Donald Norcross, who headed up the special congressional committee tasked with creating the Kick-Ass Jam. We just wanted to inspire the millions of Americans feeling directionless and despondent, to jump up from their couches, desks, or automobiles, and walk out into the street to dance their cares away, from a safe distance, of course. And we encourage all Americans to participate, no matter how young or old. You can tap your toes, snap your fingers, rhythmically sway back and forth, or even have a full-out head-banging jam sesh during the entire blistering 3-minute guitar solo. And the anthem has already started playing simultaneously through tens of thousands of giant speakers set up across the country. Morning, afternoon, and night, the fun bassline and repetitive drum beats echo for hundreds of miles, several times a day, from coast to coast. Quite the feat. Well I know I could certainly use the extra pep in my step, but how are other Americans reacting to the new pump-up anthem?
Well overall, reactions have been positive. Here are a few people I spoke with. Oh, I absolutely love it.
It's been a great distraction from my otherwise pointless existence. I didn't think I'd like having the same song blaring from speakers several times a day. But now it's the only time I actually feel like I'm a part of something greater than myself. This fucking song makes it impossible for me to focus on anything, and I think it's putting weird thoughts into my head about submitting to authority. I don't know, but it's driving me crazy! Well I sure am crazy for this song too. But Marcy, as the young man pointed out, there has been some criticism of the greatest song ever made.
Yeah. How are government officials responding to rumors that the anthem contains subliminal messages of nationalism, conformity, and subordination? Well, they say that these conspiracy theories should be put to rest once everyone learns the coordinated dance that goes along with the pump-up anthem remix when it's released next month. But until then, just obey.
Oh, you know I will. Oh, it must be 3 a.m. Oh, I hear it too.
USA!
Well folks, during these trying times where social isolation is the norm and American citizens are asked to stay inside, companionship has become a top priority. Even surprising to those of you who already have one of these special friends at home, a new report has found that the nation's current quarantine has led to a sharp rise in people taking in lovable little foster gimps. O.P.R.'s Martha Sanders has the story. Social isolation. Since the beginning of March, Americans have been asked to keep six feet away from family, friends, and loved ones. But how are people coping with their newfound loneliness? One solution is to adopt or rescue a foster gimp. Right now, I'm at a shelter in San Francisco.
However, instead of the wall-to-wall cages full of bald and gagged 200-pound men begging for mercy that I'm accustomed to, they're virtually empty. Except for just a few.
Oh, look at that one. Nice leather. Come on, Daddy. Come on. Cute! I saw this one online. He apparently got shipped up here from Alabama and likes to have his balls twisted. Check this one out. He's a mini.
That's Annie Walsh, who runs the shelter. Ever since she started posting photos of her doming the gimps on Instagram, people have been picking them up and bringing them back to their fuck rooms like hotcakes. It's incredible. Since shelter in place started, we've been getting calls nonstop. We used to get people dropping off their gimps, or we'd find tons of strays abandoned out back eating out of the garbage can, but now we can't truck them in fast enough.
Wow. That's incredible.
Do you see certain types of gimps going first? I'll be honest.
Usually it's just the young ones that get picked up the fastest, but now even the older gimps or the ones with some pretty serious medical problems are finally finding a home. Suddenly, where there were too many gimps before, there are now none. Even her home basement dungeon where she used to keep at least six gimps is now occupied by just her own rescue sub.
So why do you think Americans suddenly want to become doms so badly? You know, it varies. Some people didn't have the time or resources to buy the whips, chains, and titty cups their gimp would likely require. Others are so bored they can't orgasm to completion anymore unless they dominate another human until they shit themselves. And it makes sense. Americans are severely overworked. Do most full-time workers really have the time to take a gimp out every few hours and walk all over it? It can take weeks, if not months, of routine domination to train a gimp to respond to your whip.
Bad.
You bitch! You filthy fucking animal! Yeah, you like that.
I spoke to Jenna and Chris Haskell, who recently took the plunge and adopted a 62-year-old sub named Cumlicker. He was older than what they were looking for, but that didn't stop Jenna and Chris from doming him like they'd had him imprisoned for years. So you've had Cumlicker for two weeks now?
Yeah, and it's the best. The minute we looked into his small, sweaty eye slants, we knew he was the one for us.
Has his age been difficult for you at all? I know some senior gimps have different needs. Yeah, it wasn't easy. He definitely gets tired out and ends up falling asleep a lot in his fuck-swing, but that's how we like it. As someone who lives alone and was hoping to one day adopt a gimp myself, I was curious. Was all the extra time and money worth it?
He's definitely bad around our kids, and whoever was his previous dom did some weird stuff to him because he has some kinks we can't quite figure out. And for the past few nights, he's kept us up all night whining. But there's something about him that we just love.
Down! Stop humping! You hump when we tell you!
Times might be tough for Americans right now, but for gimps who finally found their forever dungeon, things certainly got a whole lot better. For OPR, I'm Martha Saunders. Thank you, Martha. You know, this whole quarantine, I've really been missing the gimp we had in our childhood home that my parents kept screaming like a pig in the basement. A home just isn't a home without a little sex slave.
You can find more information on how you can adopt a sub of your very own on our website. Back in a moment. Let's face it, folks, you're all a little too simple to ever really understand everything you need to know. But this might help you get a little closer. Here's what else we need to know today.
A big announcement from the nation today, as all 327 million Americans clarified they do not want to see a Zoom episode of the CBS sitcom Broke. Members across the country were adamant that in no way shape or form did they desire to see a 22-minute quarantine-themed installation of the show that follows a single suburban mother and her estranged, wealthy sister, calling the idea of an episode set in video conferencing software, quote, a complete waste of our precious time.
And Google is looking to improve their popular web mapping and navigation service, Google Maps, unveiling today a new feature that offers shortcuts through houses of people that Google knows aren't home. Sounds like a good way to shave a few minutes off my commute.
And finally, a bit of good news. Melania Trump and her Italian male lover welcomed a beautiful 7-pound baby girl into the world today. At a press conference this morning, the proud papa announced the arrival of little Gia Giussapina and said that both mom and baby were healthy and resting. Congrats to the happy couple and big brother Baron.
And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode in kind of the same way someone enjoys watching a scary movie or footage of plane crashes, well then you can like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast, because there's plenty more where that came from. And don't forget to join us for tomorrow's episode for a conversation with a controversial historian who claims the founding fathers would have approved of pretty much anything happening today if you got them drunk enough. Until then, this has been The Topical, and we'll see you next time. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_25rd_March | Good afternoon, good evening or good morning wherever it is you're tuning in from. My name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to the Petuda Advocates Daily News Bulletin. We're broadcasting out of the budgie smuggler bedroom straight on the Desert Rock FM and all good podcast networks. A quick note, if you are keen on the audio updates from our Humble Outback newspaper, we'll be transitioning off the main Petuda Advocate podcast feed and onto the Petuda Daily News Bulletin feed at the end of the week, so make sure you subscribe to that one. Onto the news and we'll get right into it with a breaking story that's unfolding as we go to air.
There's been a lot of chatter over the last few days about what's happening next and we can exclusively reveal now that the Prime Minister's Cleaners Mate's Aunt's dog Walker has confirmed that a full lockdown is imminent, like dead set he reckons. It's a big scoop and we're working to verify the claims as we go to air but the local bloke reckons it's not far off at all. He said to us, mate I wouldn't lie to ya, my source is close to the Prime Minister. He's a cleaner at Parliament House and he overheard Scotty saying we're gonna go into lockdown soon as. Well, I know his Auntie who lived in Petuda for ages when she was at Uni and she worked at the Federal Hotel in Freetown for like 4 years. Anyway, I know her well and her nephew wouldn't bullshit her. As you just heard it's some pretty big stuff breaking this afternoon so we'll keep you updated on that one.
Now as the nation seeks guidance and clarity, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been trying to give daily press conferences on what to do and more importantly what not to do. Those conferences have caused a little bit of a stir over the last few days and after a bit of blowback his lead speech writer has admitted to us he doesn't know why he even fucking bothers anymore. The head of marketing speech guy said to us, I mean I go to so much effort to try and make him sound articulate and intelligent and the leader of a nation and he trips over the pronunciation of bar for 40 seconds. You think I put that in there? He then sighed heavily, pulled a golden gate time out of his freezer and assured us he didn't mention a thing about trampoline venues when he was running Scotty from marketing through what to say on Sunday evening.
It certainly is a tough gig and one that's probably not going to get any easier in the coming months but at least it's a gig that pays money and will put a roof over his family's head. Moving on to some news about our great state of Queensland and the Cataboys have congratulated Premier Anastasia Palaszczuk for closing Queensland borders, even if it's 119 years too late. While plenty along the Tweed are furious at the decision to close the border from midnight tonight, up in the deep north the news has been received well. The Cataparty's figurehead Bob came out today to congratulate and thank Palaszczuk and said it's only a century too late but he's glad they finally put a stop to these wowser bastards from down south coming in. He of course said a whole number of other things on a number of different tangents which we don't have time to go into today but the comments given the party's rural Queensland centric focus hardly come as a surprise as secession from the south is one of their major policies alongside the loosening of gun control laws, the loosening of sitting on the tray of the ute while driving down the main street laws, the building of a guillotine for these aristocrats down in Canberra and of course a push to transition to ethanol so at least it's a positive outcome for someone. Wrapping up with some international news and Comrade Dutton has kitted out his cell with some cool new posters today. Trapped on Christmas Island ironically in a situation of his own making the now radical lefty has spent the day whacking up a Che Guevara poster, an It's Time poster from Gough Whitlam's election campaign, a Midnight Oil album cover and that iconic shot of Nikki Winmar. Struck down with the coronavirus, speaking to us via a contraband mobile phone while chopping up some contraband Chrissy Island bush bud he got from one of the locals, he said Right now, this fascist government is using coronavirus to pass authoritarian laws that will never be repealed.
You can get detained for doing fuck all, like even as citizens. Forget about the poor brown people who come to Australia fleeing war, we can get detained now in our own streets.
That's why we've got to fight. It's fucked man. Preach brother, keep up the good fight. And on that note, that is the end of our news wrap. If you're after more, head to our website. Thanks for tuning in, we'll be back again tomorrow. Until then, stay safe, stay at home, wash your hands and look after each other. Goodbye. |
ClickHole | we_could_not_be_more_excited_to_announce_our_second_branded_content_project_with_red_lobster | There once was a woman named Hungry Linda She had a muscular husband who meant well but sucked When Linda tried to eat Shrimp Scampi Her muscular husband would come into the kitchen And ask her questions about outer space It was very annoying And it made Linda puke up her scampi onto the floor Where on earth can a lady go When a muscular husband never shuts up during Shrimp And is simply Red Lobster Red Lobster lets you eat Shrimp Scampi in the bathroom Your muscular husband will never find you there So you can eat Shrimp Scampi forever Linda went to Red Lobster and ate in the bathroom Her muscular husband came looking for her But he couldn't find Linda So he walked into the desert and disappeared That was the end of Linda's Chippendales husband And Linda ate a silent meal on the toilet at last Red Lobster is church for you now Red Lobster is church for you now Red Lobster is church for you now Red Lobster is church for you now It's church for you now Red Lobster is church for you now |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Gravity | Listen to my voice. You need to focus. I'm losing control of you. In a few seconds I won't be able to track you. You need to detach. I can't see you anymore. Do it now.
I've lost visual, Dr. Stone. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new movie, Gravity, a space survival thriller so immersive and visually stunning it has driven everyone who has watched it violently mad, including myself. I have totally lost my mind and, even now, am completely disconnected from reality. Directed by Alfonso Cuaron and starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney, Gravity is a cinematic experience so grand and awe-inspiring that by the time the film's breathtaking 15-minute opening sequence had ended, I had already become delusional. By the 30-minute mark, I was fully unhinged and, more than likely, clinically insane. Gravity is a heart-pounding and thrilling cinematic experience. And while 3D may be little more than a gimmick for some filmmakers, Cuaron uses the extra dimension so flawlessly, it shut down the portions of my brain responsible for empathy, remorse, and basic reasoning.
At one point in the movie, I imagined myself choking my neighbor's dog to death, which I did as soon as I went home. Folks, I am currently a threat to myself and to those around me. I should be locked up in a mental institution and cared for by top mental health professionals.
The sound and lighting design in Gravity by Niva Deary and Harry Bardock, respectively, were both excellent. Throughout the film, the large and beautiful planet Earth looms in the background. Whenever I close my eyes, I still see it, right in front of me. Sometimes it talks to me and we have pleasant conversations.
Sometimes we have unpleasant ones where the Earth yells at me to cradle the serpent. But of course I can't cradle the serpent if I can't catch it. And the game, my friends, is in the catching, not the cradling. Amen.
As the film's leads, Sandra Bullock and George Clooney do an amazing job, and I would like to eat both of them alive. Still, the film's true stars are undoubtedly the visual effects specialists who manage to create the immersive environment that makes this movie what it is. I would like to eat them alive as well.
Ultimately, Gravity is a visual achievement so monumental and profound, I have to imagine it will be a number of years, if ever, before I am able to fully regain my mental health. I am going to have to undergo intensive psychotherapy and may, in fact, require electroshock therapy to suppress my mania.
Although, to be perfectly honest, all I've wanted to do for the last two minutes is to get out of my chair and murder my cameraman. Jesus! For the Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | ivanka_we_re_here_for_you | Hi, Ivanka. Ivanka.
Can we have a minute, like, without your dad and brothers? Donald, if you're watching, it's just gonna be a bunch of ladies talking about babies and periods. Tampons, diapers, how to control our rampant pubic hair, the menopause existing whilst not being a model. That kind of stuff. Are we alone? Okay, great. What is going on? You know what I'm about to say. You do not need these people.
You are an intelligent, well-educated woman with a spectacular resume. And you're smoking hot.
And I know that, because your dad keeps telling everybody about it. You know that is weird. I understand you want to be loyal to your family. My uncle thinks Avatar is the best movie ever made, but we still invite him to Thanksgiving.
I mean, I get it. I get it. We all get it.
But you're not fooling anyone. We can see you're not into it. I mean, look at how quickly you pulled your arm away at the RNC when your dad touched your butt. Uncomfortable.
Every woman knows what it's like to be touched in the boyfriend zone by their boss. Only your boss is actually your dad.
Girl. Just seriously? Get out of there. And this is before the whole grab them by the pussy incident, which like...
Come on.
Remember when your brother said if you'd experienced sexual harassment at work you would have just left? That one keeps getting me. What an idiot. Seriously. You can go. No, get out. Run. Wouldn't it be fun to watch how fast your dumb fuck brothers tanked the company without you? Hello, chapter 11 bankruptcy. I'm burning.
At the RNC, your whole speech was about equal pay and paid maternity leave. You know they're not going to do that, right? Your dad literally called pregnancy an inconvenience to employers. He kicked a mother and baby out of one of his rallies and made jokes about Megan Kelly's period because she wasn't nice to him. Also, his campaign pays women a third less than it pays men, which is lower than the national average, which is already a stinking pile of garbage, which we all know you know.
But I do have to go back to that pussy grabbing thing. I'm sorry you had to hear your dad say that out loud. Sorry, I just thought about my dad saying grab them by the pussy. Ugh.
Look, there must be a reason why you've stuck around so far. I mean, maybe you feel like you need to be loyal to your family. Maybe they have some dirt on you, which is somehow worse than the dirt that you absolutely must have on them. Maybe you just love gold chairs and mail order sticks, I don't know. But we're here for you. Because women stick together, that's what we do.
So get out and go do anything else. You know, start a business on your own.
Write a memoir. Write several memoirs. Trust me, we will read the shit out of them.
Just get out of that house and never look back. Scram! Scadetto! Vamos! Grab life by the pussy and go.
That's an impression of your dad. That's what your dad's face looks like.
Or at least vote Hillary. It'll be our little secret. Oh, and Tiffany? You can leave too. We know what it's like to be the least favorite kid. That's why we're in showbiz. Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe and click here for more fun stuff. You filthy animals. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | 242_Martin_Stark | How are you Errol?
Yeah, good to be back on the microphone for 2023, we had a bit of a break over the summer. The silly season is about to finish, or the start if you've worked in hospitality for the whole of summer, like many many thousands of people have done around the country. Yeah, for the most part I guess the hospital workers will have their time in the sun or their time in the beer garden, but the rest of us, it's time to start focusing on those New Year's resolutions we made halfway through the silly season. The winter codes will kick off, everyone will become a bit more sports mad, and on top of all that it's time to focus on health and wellbeing, and just getting on with the year.
Now today's guest, Martin Stark, is a real advocate for health and wellbeing, and I say that because you don't often meet someone who actually works in health and wellbeing, it's usually health or it's wellbeing, but what you're doing Martin is the two of those things, you're advocating both fitness and improving your physical health as well as people's wellbeing and their self-worth, and equality effectively, and you've managed to do this through founding the World Gay Boxing Championships, which I believe is about to be inaugural. Yeah, we've got one month to go until the world's first boxing competition for the LGBTQ plus community, and otherwise it's been an eventful three and a half years since I had a crazy idea, is why not just organise a boxing tournament thinking, not going to be too much hard work, and it's taken the best part of my life for the last three and a half years. You're a boxing promoter by the way, it's a career that often is associated with organised crime, did you find yourself delving into the dark arts of hosting an event where people engage in combat sports in front of bloodthirsty fans? I applied for my boxing promoter's licence a few months ago, so this is my first event, so I'm thinking the crimes are going to be, if you're going to have a homophobic slur or you're going to be putting somebody down, you've got mass supporters there who are going to be waving rainbow flags to get you out of there, and the only thing that's welcome is people, the only thing we don't welcome is hate, so yeah. Yeah, I look forward to it, it's going to be, I've been to many boxing events as Errol, and quite often there's an animosity in the room, but this one's going to be all love I think. There's certainly going to be the animosity there between, because people want to win the world title, you know, we're giving world titles, so, but this is all about love and acceptance, and I think one of the misnomers about boxing is it's, people don't understand the spirit of boxing at your local boxing gym, when you're sparring for the first time, the coach in your corner, there's a lot of support and love, there's still like, you know, get in there, get and do it, but there's so much support in the boxing community. Quite an egalitarian environment, would you find, in the boxing gym? Yeah, very much so, I mean, certainly the gyms I've trained at belong to, very much have been welcomed, I think there are still some stigmas about game by men boxing, and I think those are the barriers that I want to remove, it's also about a gym, make an environment feel welcome, you may not feel that your environment is not welcome, if I was sparring, and somebody called me a faggot, would you say something, or is it it's banter, it's okay, you have to put up with it, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, that's sport, it's one of the great problems that sport has in this day and age is, you know, as we we often see in the media is kind of weeding out this kind of banter, as it would be described.
Yeah, you were saying that this road has taken you three years to get to the basically the start of it.
How do you go about starting your own boxing competition? You start out by just sharing your vision and communicating, whenever you have a dream, just start communicating, this is what you want to do. The second thing was forming a not-for-profit association, so have an excellent board, people are skilled in various activities and with professional background to actually go and do something like this. The third is to start building relationships, I've never done boxing, anything like this before, but I reached out to people within the boxing community who run events, they provide referees and judges, so that's how I started and that's how I'd recommend anybody to get started. Communicate, find people to help you and build those relationships. So you were saying that you weren't, like you didn't come from a boxing type of background, what drew you to boxing initially?
So my story really dates back to 2006, I had gallstones blocking my liver and I had an undiagnosed rare water immune disease. I had a procedure to try and remove some gallstones, the eye seeped into my pancreas and I went into admission into ICU, I had severe acute pancreatitis, my lungs had collapsed and I went into septic shock, so I was placed in two induced comas. My second induced coma prior to that I lived through my worst fear, this is my normal voice when I speak and not through my diagram. So I had a tracheotomy and I remember thinking am I going to die, struggling to breathe, but the strength of the people around me as they're performing a tracheotomy. Fast forward to the end of 2017, I have Addison's disease, it's what JFK had. Yeah I was gonna say it's a very presidential illness condition. My body doesn't produce cortisol and I've been in hospital 70 times in the last 17 years. I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago but I almost died again at the end of 2017.
From Addison's. And can you just explain, because a lot of people don't realize this about JFK, that it is a debilitating illness and because he was always about you know making appearances and I guess people with Addison's can't often do that.
What happens, it slows you down, you go through bouts or? You go through bouts, so we think about cortisol as the stress hormone. There are three types of stress, psychological, emotional and physical stress.
Now in any environment of stress your body will produce more cortisol, mine doesn't. People with Addison's disease take replacement cortisol. If you have a cold or a chest infection your body will produce more cortisol, mine doesn't. So when I'm getting sick I can get very sick very quickly, you go into what's called an adrenal crisis.
So I take my cardiac cortisone twice a day to JFK constantly within that pressure environment. Imagine how much he was doing during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
So it's definitely something in terms of health and well-being that you have to be on every day. Absolutely, yeah.
It's a few weeks ago, quite unwell and ended up calling the ambulance. So within 50 minutes the ambulance arrived, they started giving me fluids, an emergency injection of hydrocortisone, they were also giving me some glucose to eat because my blood sugar had gone quite low level down. Those actions probably prevented me from being hospitalized for about three or four days. Straight to emergency, more fluids, stay overnight and I'm discharged the next day. In 2017 it was so severe they took me straight into the resuscitation section of emergency, my pulse was below 40, it took 20 times my normal dose to stabilize me. So in my mind I'm thinking I know what's next, it's back in those induced comas or am I going to die?
Yeah, just horror. Just horror.
So my background is I had a few self-defense classes to try and overcome the PTSD, I had a boxing class and it's really... So it is, you'd say, I never thought of that, I mean I'd imagine self-defense would help people with PTSD who's someone who might have encountered a physical kind of, you know, incident or kind of an attack or something like that, but the PTSD of your illness at that time, the comas and that kind of stuff, it also helps the self-defense. It did for me because I was able to be in an environment where I was completely uncomfortable and discovered something I could do quite well and just hitting the pads, hitting the bags in an environment where you can just channel that energy. The first time I did shadowboxing I realized that I mattered more than I was giving myself credit for because I thought if you hit me it's fine. That was how I was telling myself but I realized that I'm not always going to be as strong as what everybody else thinks I am or what I probably think I should be and I mattered more than I was giving myself credit for. And you kind of learned your own capabilities and your own strength I guess.
Absolutely, yeah.
My sport at school was swimming and I was a very good swimmer, I could never kick a ball, I could never throw a ball, I was the last one to be picked at school sports, would never have considered boxing whatsoever but imagine if I'd had the opportunity or said you could do this and I was encouraged, you know, I would have really enjoyed boxing maybe in my teens and early twenties and I'm almost 50, I'm 29 in gay years but I'm 50 in a few years time. It's an interesting point because you're talking about pathways here for boxing, you know, young gay kids should be just as encouraged to get involved because I'm not sure we grew up in almost any town in the world, the kids that are boxing are usually the troubled kids or the kids that actually, you know, someone in the community suggests this kid probably needs to learn to look after himself a bit like that and it's not really encouraged, you know, amongst even girls or, you know, any anyone else outside of the mold of someone at that age is a teenager. It's usually something for a kid who's naughty or something for a kid who needs to channel his energy outside of causing trouble. You know and it's interesting when I grew up in the UK I would have associated boxing with the private schools because it was seen as, if you were, Oxford Blues, something I never considered and what I love in Australia is how boxing is really, is that grassroots community sport, the PCY season, boxing does provide that avenue, that opportunity for people to be taken outside the comfort zone and seeing what's possible for themselves but it wasn't until 2010 that women could compete in boxing in New South Wales. Right, I did not know it was that big. Well and it was also because I'd say that boxing, particularly at the PCYC gyms, it gave these kids an opportunity to punch a cop without any repercussions whatsoever. So I think that really contributed to, you know, its explosion in popularity once the PCYCs came on board with it. You see that too with boxing, you see the different waves. Right now there's a kid, I can't remember his name, I watched Harry Garside fight him, there's a kid out of Blacktown who's now the pride of the Sudanese community and you see the different waves over the years. Billy the Kid Dib and all these different identities that kind of come from, you know, working families, grassroots level, it's a great thing for an immigrant kid to just wander in the door one day and find something he loves but you know you're saying that that wasn't really available to you as a young gay kid.
I never even considered it. I'm sure there was a boxing club where I had had those opportunities. It was never a consideration.
There are two barriers I really want to achieve. One is for the LGBTQ plus community to consider boxing and other sports for them but also remove the barriers within the sport to stop the discrimination, to support people so they can participate in the sport. I mean is that something you're thinking about, the lack of participation right now, if you just say it to me as, you know, an outsider who's, you know, not a gay person. I would think that the biggest issue would be what we spoke about earlier with the banter and the kind of the macho attitudes that have existed in gyms for millennia being an unpleasant place for a gay person. But have you found there's also a stigma from the gay community as well about boxing and why they wouldn't get involved? So the conversations I've had with other people in the community the last few years because I would never consider it for me. It's the things I probably thought about the sport. So there's that stigma to remove.
And I want to challenge people who think banter, homophobic, racist, common strokes is banter. People confuse banter with camaraderie.
Give an example, when I had my first fight, I had a yellow mohawk, rainbow flag, walked out to Relax by Funky Ghost to Hollywood, went back with my coach. And I was at an event a couple of years ago, and I still had yellow hair. And a very good friend of mine just came and said, nobody would think you're a gay guy here because you have yellow hair.
Yeah. You know, it knew him really well. It was just really funny. Yeah. But if I'd been in that event, and somebody said, look at that faggot there with the yellow hair. Yeah. He may have thought that was funny, or something which they actually think is innocent. Like, oh, you're such a good fighter. I didn't think you could be gay. Yeah.
We can see the line. And people know the line.
They do. Yeah. They do.
Tell me, though, why hasn't it happened before? Why do you think it hasn't happened before?
Because Sydney Convicts is a great example of this kind of reclaiming a sport, you know, the gay rugby team in Sydney that they play in at Sydney Comp. And they're, you know, the burliest, biggest, well-groomed rugby footballers you'll ever see in your life. And they're quite a competitive team. And, you know, it's been a great avenue for gay kids getting into rugby is the Convicts.
What do you think, not so much, we've just explained the pathways and the kind of the lack of participation, but something like the competition. Surely there's got to be a whole community of blokes like you around the world.
So there are LGBTQ boxing clubs all over the world. One started in Melbourne last year called the Upper Cats. And they train on a Saturday morning. There's a local club in Sydney called the Sydney Hookers. In London, there's Knockout London. There are different clubs. So there have been a few events, there have been LGBTQ fight nights in London.
I just don't think anybody has done it to the extent that I want to achieve. We think the gay game started 41 years ago. And it's always been about inclusion. It doesn't matter. You have to be LGBTQ plus, you can come along and participate in the sport. I just think nobody's ever done it.
I also think boxing is a sport where the participants change the sport. Think what Muhammad Ali achieved outside of the ring. Think what women have achieved in the last 30 years in boxing. It was only last year that women headlined boxing at the OTA Arena and Madison Square Gardens.
2022.
Women still have a lot of barriers in sport. We're talking about equity. I think in women's boxing, it's still two minute rounds. Let's talk about moving it to three minute rounds. It isn't interesting because I thought combat sports are probably the best at weaving men's and women's participation because in its essence, there's something in combat sports where they realize different horses for different courses.
You know what I mean?
Weight divisions. You look at people and you look at people on social media making fun of the women cricketers or the women footballs about how they're not as good as the men. They can't kick as far as the men or they can't do this and that. That's not really a conversation in combat sports because we've got weight division. We don't put a ban on weight against Mike Tyson. You play to your field and you play to your strength and your size.
I always thought there was a, maybe it's just in modern day boxing in Australia, but you do see the headline or the cards split between men and women now. People understand that women boxing is just like watching any other weight division. It's been that gradual change. I think there's been a step change in the last 11 years since women were able to compete in boxing at the Olympics. I think that was, you look about Nicola Adams, what she achieved, double Olympic gold medalist. She retired undisputed boxing champion. So many women have achieved so much and really a short period of time that boxing has been around before the modern Olympics. I would have thought it was a Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby was a big accelerant too in female boxing. That was kind of when it also hit the mainstream there. But the idea of a world gay boxing championships, you've put it out there.
How much was the uptake? Did they rush? Did all these clubs rush to you? How do I talk about the journey?
It was reaching people that I didn't know were friends or were already involved in the sports. It was reaching the different boxing clubs. Also the friends I've made within the Australian boxing community. I have a person. It's a member of my gym or club who's LGBTQ plus. So people were already there but they may not have been had that opportunity.
I've done a lot of activism. I've spoken out against racism. I've spoken out against homophobia in sport. I want to stop the activism and just enjoy the sport.
I think we're a good 10, 11, probably 10 years away at least until the need for having an LGBTQ boxing competition will exist. So that's your dream to make it redundant? Yeah. That's an interesting mission statement. Well somebody else may take this on the future stage. I think there'll always be LGBTQ affinity sport but I want the reason I set this up to no longer exist.
Where has the most interest come from and where are you finding these established LGBT communities? I'm getting a lot of interest in Africa. We have a lot of boxing Africa who want to come out here and compete. There's been interest from people of all ages.
Somebody in the late 60s wanted to come. The game masters. Yeah. It's just been remarkable. I do want to call out the World Boxing Council. When I first approached them for a statement of support within two days I was getting a letter and a video and last year they published on their website that they're proud to be an LGBTQ plus ally and support the World Game Boxing Championships. And the statement wasn't just one of those yet there's nothing to it. They talked about people facing discrimination, people disgracing persecution, how participatory sport is a key intervention strategy. So to get that visible support. They just got it from the mark.
Yeah. It's amazing how fast it's moved really. Yeah. Because you say it started three years ago. Yeah.
But that was three years ago in pandemic years. Basically one year ago.
And all of a sudden we're going down to Randwick Racecourse. Is this where you're hosting this? Yeah. Looking around Randwick that's where we want to host it at the moment. One of the hardest things about the boxing is like all the registrations, getting people things in. And the insurance and all that stuff. Yeah. There's so much to go into it.
Well, you gave a shout out to the boxing council. We'll give a shout out now to Peter Volandes. If there's any man that can make this thing happen at Randwick Racecourse it's you Mr. Sydney. I want to talk though about what's happening around this.
There's something I believe called World Pride Month. So Sydney World Pride. Sydney World Pride.
And Mardi Gras starts 17th of February. If I get the date wrong, LGBT people give me a break. It's probably the sparring until the 5th or 6th of March. I want to talk about the origins of Pride.
Yeah. Please.
So in the first Pride March, you think about the Stonewall Inn in New York City. The prejudice people were getting every single day. And the whole community, trans women of colour, black people, the whole trans community came out.
We stand for this. We don't want to be persecuted anymore.
I mean that went on for a period of time. And then I think it was the Christopher Day Street Parade started the year later.
It started out as a protest about human rights and equality. And it's been 50 plus year journey for people to still have the right to exist in an environment where they've received dignity, courtesy, respect. So Pride has always been about human rights, but it's also a celebration.
Yeah. And we invite people to join us. I was in the Mardi Gras parade last year to my left, Harry Garside. Yep. To my right, Charlie Hall, who's a WBC ambassador champion. Fantastic. Yeah.
NRL, AFL, everyone's kind of getting on board now with a float. And I mean, even last year we had the second kind of ever rugby league football to come out in the shape of Toby Rudolph 20 years after Ian Roberts.
Do you feel like the Pride community is fighting for those people? Yeah. I believe now the hate is harder. Yep. I think I call this period the great pushback. Yep. When somebody describes something as woke, my question is, how are you defining that? For me, woke career is just an excuse for what freedom of speech because you're going to be a bigot. Yeah. For me, it's about being against discrimination, being against homophobia, being against racism.
Let's just raise awareness, but let's start making these changes happen. The internet, it's a kind of accelerated a lot of things that maybe you would have only heard on the street.
So at the end of the 2021 English Premier League season, the Professional Footballers Association issued a report. So this is not just the Premier League player, some of the other players in the other divisions.
Yeah. Two out of every single player had received online abuse. Yep. Of that abuse, a third of that contained homophobia. Yeah. And I remember when football would be on on the weekends and there was no social media, there was no internet, there's just this barrier now. Yeah.
And I think we just need to work through that, get the voices out there and come and join us at World Pride. It's going to be absolutely fantastic. You're going to have main events you've got. There's no way you could not have a good time there.
Absolutely not.
No, like they only shut the Sydney Harbour Bridge for events like this, maybe a few times a decade. Yeah. So what's happening in Sydney? And tell me a little bit about the global community. Are we getting every hotel, Airbnb, is it one of those kind of events? So every couple of years a city gets the rights to host what's called World Pride. Yep.
So it's been held in New York, in London, I think Washington DC, Barcelona. So it's the first time it's been held in the Southern Hemisphere. So you're going to have people coming out to enjoy. There's a human rights conference, there's a big arts festival, there's a big sports festival. You have the traditional Mardi Gras events, it's still the Mardi Gras parade.
So they've timed it together? Perfect.
There's going to be a beach party at Bondi, it's just going to be every city will have their own Pride event. But this is the World Pride event. It's a real focus point for Australia just to show how welcoming we are. But you know, it's the biggest event in Sydney since the 2000 Olympics.
Yeah, it sounds it sounds like and it kind of hasn't really, I mean the people of Sydney will know it's on when it's on. But it hasn't really been given the kind of the ramp up.
I guess because people aren't aware of what is involved in hosting and I guess a lot of the community is taking it upon themselves to organise it. Because what I really like about the festival is there's the Pride Amplified events, there's the arts festival, the sports festival. So you have the organisation like World Gay Boxing Championship being able to be part of this. So I really see this as a community opening up to all our friends and all us to come and join us and partake in something as well as celebrate World Pride and Mardi Gras.
I know it's a shame that half of Oxford Street at the moment is a construction site. That's a little bit of foresight from the City of Sydney Council might have not gone astray. It's going to look like a demolition site when they're done mate. When Mardi Gras and World Pride converge on Oxford Street, I think the whole place will have to be a construction site. It's going to be one hell of a party.
Have we got any international acts coming through? I believe so, but...
Oh, he's not going to say. I was not going to say.
I can't remember off the top of my head. I'm going to get into trouble now because I should have known all of this.
Darren Hayes, was he in Mardi Gras last year? Yes. He was in Mardi Gras. There's been some big hitters just with Mardi Gras.
So World Pride is going to be an interesting one. Have you ever attended any of these around the world? Not a World Pride. I was in Sao Paulo last year for Sao Paulo Pride.
Right. There were three million people on the city, but it was awesome. It was so much fun.
But I'm biased.
I still think Sydney does it best. Yep. I mean, you just look at it now with Elton John in Australia. He loves being in Sydney. Yeah.
I think it's going to be... I mean, I haven't even considered this until this interview. I've not even considered the need to go and have a look at all this because it's going to be, you know, like you said, biggest thing since the Olympics.
Where are you time to sit in this? So where are we going?
The first weekend. Your first weekend?
Yeah.
So they have other sporting events. One of my friends, she's organizing a martial arts festival. The Sydney Silverbacks Wrestling. They're organizing a different event. There's soccer. There's swimming festivals.
So please check out World Pride Sports. And Civil Arts is taking place to support the LGBTQ&I sporting community. Big year for Sydney. South by Southwest, World Pride, World Gay Boxing, as well as every Grand Final they host.
Yeah. Who needs Melbourne? No, we don't need them.
Melbourne's not a queer capital in the scheme of things, is it? No, it's the sporting capital. Yeah, it's the sporting capital. Well, Martin's working tirelessly to make Sydney both the queer capital and sporting capital as one with World Gay Boxing.
Excited to see some of the talent coming through here. Yeah, very much so.
And I actually want to give a shout out to a good boxing friend of mine, Kate McLaren, who I met a few days ago. What I like about the boxing community is giving back to the community. And Kate is setting up a not-for-profit called It's Her. And it's providing an online space for women to access resources, help in various different ways. And you see many boxers support the community and give back.
So I just wanted to give a big shout out to Kate for the work that she's doing. Yeah, shout out to Kate.
Shout out to everyone involved in the World Gay Boxing Championships. Everyone's invited except Manny Pacquiao.
You know what, I'm going to invite Manny. I'm going to have a conversation. I'm going to say, you know what, Manny?
You apologize. I accept your apology.
Will you hold pads for me? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could put him in your corner. Are you going to fight? No, I'm the promoter. Okay.
That would be that kind of crooked boxing promoting we were talking about at the start of the show. But this is a not-for-profit and all the best for the month. Sounds like a great idea.
Thanks very much, my friends. Thank you. |
dropout | katie_goes_viral | Oh my god. Oh Jesus.
What do you want? The meme I posted this morning got 200,000 likes. This got 200,000 likes? Yes.
Good job. Very cool, Katie. It's a little bit more than cool.
I just went viral, baby. I'm about to be famous. Whoa, Stop doing that. You're not gonna get famous off of one meme, okay? Aquafina got her start when she went viral on YouTube and now she's in big big movies. That's literally about to be me. But she had a really successful song. She didn't just post a picture one time.
Okay. Look, I am going to try so hard to say this as nicely as possible. I am too big for you and you fake. What? Okay. Eat my. I hope you all burn in hell. You sons of. That's as nicely as possible. Honestly, yeah. So you're welcome.
What do you expect to happen now that you had one stupid meme do well? In the next couple of days, I will be receiving phone calls left and right as agents, managers, television executives, and movie moguls try to sign me. You have no idea how this industry works.
And there we have it. I just received my very first Twitter direct message. Okay. The proof is in the pudding. That was your first DM ever. Yes. They're starting to pour in almost. Okay.
It's about to become overwhelming for me. I definitely need my own personal assistant. Okay, cool. Well, it sounds like you have a busy day lined up, Katie. I think we should probably like get back to work, right? We are at work.
Holy fudge. Beloved prankster, Steve-o from MTV's Jackass just gave it a life. This has officially infiltrated the celebrity circle.
Katie, we're supposed to write a sketch this week. I will never work with you again. Okay. I will never write a sketch here again. I will leave that job to you, dumbasses. Katie. Oh, my assistant's here. What? Okay.
I'm going to need a new wardrobe, obviously. I can't be looking like this. Let's do Gucci on the top, Chanel on the bottom. Wait, no, let's flip that. Chanel on the top, Gucci on the bottom.
You can't treat people like this. You're behaving like a monster. I need our backpack. I'm so sorry about her, by the way. You are, oh my God, such a little pathetic turd of a man. Katie, you're being very rude and this is obviously going to backfire.
Your house, a car, this- Hell yes, I got the house. Wait, what? As you were talking, wasting my time, I was putting down an offer on a Beverly Hills mansion, okay? And it was accepted. Katie, no, no, that's a tremendous mistake. Oh, my God.
I made a BuzzFeed list entitled 200 memes you need to see before you turn 30. There's millions of memes that are much funnier than that and they never led to anything.
Meet my bodyguards. You don't need bodyguards.
Oh my God, the Anne Hathaway just followed me on Instagram. That's not the Anne Hathaway. It is. It's not verified or anything.
Have you guys seen this video of a kid singing opera and a Ross dress for less? It's got 20 million views and 10 million shares. It's a pretty good start, but it's not like he's going to get famous from only 20 million views. cancel the house and fire everyone, yourself included.
Quickly!
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Lay_Down_Your_Guns_Politician_Leave_Surfer_Punch_Ons_The_Saddle_Club_More_March_19 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin coming to you live from Batutah's Desert Rock FM studios here and brought to you of course by Batutah Bitter the channel countries second greatest export behind of course this newspaper and the podcast we do. My name is Clancy Overall thank you for joining us and my name is Errol Parker great to be here today. You're going to get stuck into a few Batutah Bitters this afternoon. Well mate me and the boys we got into it this week pretty heavy to celebrate. Wendell Hussey here Clancy how are you? Wendell Hussey good to have you here well yeah I guess Errol can talk about his issues with the family caught off air we won't be putting that out through the air waves today. Save that for a couple of Batutah Bitters I reckon let's get into the biggest story of the week and it is oi we don't do that here Scotty from marketing bravely orders the AFP to lower their guns during the protests.
Yes it was an incredibly noble gesture from the Prime Minister this week who was faced with the prospect of a giant March for Justice rally turning up outside his workplace. Of course the Prime Minister said in places not far from here these protesters are met with bullets so he earned himself a lot of praise for telling a federal police officers to not open fire on the group of distressed women calling for cultural change within Parliament House and Australia in general.
And on the topic of stranger danger a man walking past a drunken pack of women has been forced to clench his keys like he was taught at school. That's right a vulnerable local man just trying to make his way home after finishing work at his local bar job was forced to call on his muscle memory in preparation for what felt like an imminent assault from a group of women on a night out. Yeah the bloke named Jordan was forced to quickly fake a phone call while he clenched his keys in between his fingers and kept a wide berth from the rowdy quite intoxicated group of people in front of him. Thankfully he did manage to navigate the all too familiar situation just another night out for a boy in this city in this country. Just another night out for a boy there were some very angry comments on that story one from the likes of Emmylou who said hashtag not all women I would never do this I have a father and a husband.
Fair point fair point. Elsewhere around town and a forklift driver who dropped a pallet after a big night on the piss has been given a month of politician leave. Yes Christian Reynolds a 35 year old man from Attuta Heights had a major slip up this week but instead of being instantly fired the casual employee who works full-time hours was offered a months paid leave to think about his actions and lay low until all the barbecue sauce from the pallet he dropped was cleaned up. Rather than blow up his workplace said that here in the real world everyone gets leave without questions being asked and Christian should just come back when he's ready.
Quite a nice workplace there and two surfers have ended up in a brawl after disagreeing on who was more stoked. The brawl took place on the shores of Attuta's man-made wave dam out in the old quarry with witnesses saying the incident started off rather calmly with one man saying he was stoked at the amount of dope barrels he got to experience on his surfboard. However things escalated quickly after neither of them refused to concede their stokedness and eventually police had to be called to sort the issue out. Both surfers have refused to press charges though so it looks like all's well that ends well.
Very gnarly there and in a bit of a human interest story to round out the week a 28 year old has revealed she still lies awake wondering why half the Saddle Club girls had American accents. One of our particularly more successful surprisingly successful stories this week particularly online this one was about Hannah a Gen Y finance consultant from some faceless firm in our old city district who says she still even with everything that's going on in the world has time to ponder some of the big questions and sweat the big stuff. Things like what happened to Tartu? Why did Posh stay with Bex after his text messages to another woman were leaked to newspapers proving he was cheating while she was heavily pregnant? And why did half of those girls from the Saddle Club have American accents? No one really knows it was a fair split down the middle there were a couple American adults and no one really knows where that program was set was it in North America was it in Victoria or one of those other weird rural areas where people enjoy equestrian. Well the production company on that on that first run of the series was actually Canadian so I guess that the accents were American however they they were Canadian no the accents were American no no they're all American how about well that's where they live now no no they're American no they're Canadian all right email us email us if you know the answer to this yeah look I see it more through the lens of an existential question but we will finish up the week on that one thanks for tuning in have a great seven days and we'll be back again then see you later bye-bye please dm us if you do know the answer were they American or Canadian they're Canadian that's it from us this week thank you for listening to the Petuta Advocate weekly news bulletin go and buy yourself a case of Petuta Bitter from Dan Murphy's they're Canadian |
dropout | how_america_is_like_a_bad_boyfriend | Amy, we've been friends for a really long time now, which is why I feel comfortable telling you that I think you're in a bad relationship. What? No, that's just because you're on the outside looking at you. No, you deserve better.
My relationship with my country is great. I love America.
Hey, babe. How did you know she was here? I read her emails. Who the fuck is texting you? Oh, it's just your mom, that's fine. You let him look at your phone.
I don't like it, but what can I do? Anyway, I need a beer. Do you have any money? I'm really in debt. Yes. Thank you. I really don't like the way he treats you.
He's always getting into fights. He's not getting into fights, he's breaking up fights, sometimes by starting fights. He's in a fight right now.
Nobody messes with my friends. I'm sure it'll be over soon. He never follows you with anything he says he's gonna do. He's just been really busy, okay?
He's got like a million voices telling him what to do. Well, 538. He cares more about his rich business buddies than he does about you. I can't take this. All right, don't tell anybody. America's my country, okay? He's the smartest. Debatable. Strongest. Not important. He has so many Olympic medals. And guns. I don't know that that's a good thing. The thing that you don't understand about America is I can change him. I just have to make my voice heard.
Can you really though? Of course she can. Were you just eavesdropping on us? Shouldn't matter if you don't have anything to hide. That's not okay. Did she tell you about my guns? What about her? Can she read all your stuff? Of course she can.
There's a little something called the Freedom of Information Act. Nothing there. That's enough. I need to take a wiki leak. You should not have to put up with this.
But I love America. God bless this country. These colors don't run.
You, Ed. You say that a lot. Hey. So I wonder if it's you you're trying to convince, not me.
What can America give you that no other country can? Free refills.
That's not a reason to stay. Oh hey. I've been thinking about it. I'm not paying for your birth control anymore. That's it. I'm done making excuses for you.
What?
I need you. I love you. That's why you say every four years. Hi.
I'm Emily from CollegeHumor. Did you like that video? Cool. Click here for more videos, or click here to unlock secret features like CollegeHumor videos showing up in your YouTube feed, or being subscribed to CollegeHumor, or turning that red subscribe button into a gray subscribed button. Wow. |
cracked | nfl_preseason_is_pointless_and_also_bad_cracked_responds | Hey everyone, thanks for joining us for another Cracked Response. This week we decided we would talk about the NFL preseason. It's a real bummer that so many people got hurt. Every year. How many fantasy leagues were ruined in the last like two weeks? Well here's the thing.
Don't draft that early. Don't draft at the beginning of August.
This is the dumbest thing. I mean, okay, so because my problem with the preseason is that I still don't think that any of these injuries are necessary.
For instance, if you're a Dolphins fan, which means you're one of seven people watching this video, your quarterback situation got hosed. You robbed the rest of the country from seeing Jay Cutler comment on a Tannehill interception, which is all I wanted to see in the world. I would have liked checking in at the booth every once in a while and Cutler just has a cigarette in his mouth.
I disagree with you though. I think that the preseason is crucial. Although I think coaches get a sense of what people can do on the team because there is a real difference between what you do in practice and what you do in an actual game time decision. I don't think that the system of people trying to make the team is exploitative. Of course it bothers me, but I'm like, I won't even loop past it. That's the nature of football is that you, at a certain point, you almost have to play injured with the potential that you will get more injured.
I'm not sure. I think these salaries are like $80,000 for those guys. I don't even have. No way.
I want to distinguish it between like other sports and the way they do their like practice squad thing. With football, I think it's necessary because the season is so much shorter that you don't really have those first few games to work out the kinks and like work out the growing pains. So preseason games are deciding between one guy who's not going to keep this job longer than a year and the other guy who doesn't get the job at all. If there wasn't a preseason, we could have had a moment where like, okay, it's third down.
They're bringing in some new back. Who's that? And it's Jamal Charles.
And he like catches a 10-yard screen pass and runs for 60 yards. And we find out A, that you have him and B, like, oh my God, he's still got it. Like that's way more fun.
I think it's really helpful for the coaches, not only because they could see who can perform, but they're writing their playbooks right then. And they're writing their playbooks for the people they have on the field and they're seeing what works against another team.
And you can't do that with your own defense. That's true. But to me, that is not necessary in the NFL. The NFL makes enough money that they're not losing any money if they just sign people to contracts. If they were just told you must make a 50-man roster and like you have to start that roster at the beginning of camp and like you have to take risks to lock up the guys you know are good or you think are good and then live with that all year, they could totally do it. You do have somebody who's brand new who came out of nowhere and because you didn't have the preseason to actually see them perform, certainly the very first game of the season, they're just lighting it up.
I think how exciting that is. Yeah, that's pretty great. That's super exciting.
Another reason I think the preseason exists is now to generate the drama around contract disputes. Le'Veon Bell didn't go to camp this year, right? Right. Now we're all going to find out real quick whether he needed to go to camp or not.
They have him in practice. They can see if he's worth the money that they want to pay him during this dispute. Or he might get injured so they can save some money there if they need to. Whereas he knows if he doesn't show up, they have to pay up.
That's the only negotiating tactic the NFL players even have. Yeah, I'm trying to think of how what the way that they're doing it right now is beneficial to us and there's just as a fan, there's really not much to it other than you make sure that you're not carrying somebody who just had their cliff year last year. Yeah. NFL teams to have to carry a Greg Oden. You know what I mean? I want that to happen. Oh my god, he's going to be throwing fucking water billings out there and they have to pay him. That's what I want. Most of them, they get cut before they really decline enough that they don't deserve to play in the NFL anymore. Yeah, or they get irrevocably injured. I'm not ready to give up on the NFL yet. Yeah.
Put some child proofing on his locks or whatever so that I don't have to confront the corruption and the terrible cost of this game. Preseason seems like, let's not have it, so I don't have to think about it. That's the detriment of preseason too, is that it makes you aware of everything that's been going on. Suddenly, now you've got these elements of these guys that are pretty dark. The NFL is constantly trying to do this like pageantry to try and keep your mind off the fact that this is a really dark institution to be able to support. That it's like bad all the way from like pop Warner up, like it's a corrosive dark sport. They don't even want to give you time to think during halftime about it.
No. No, no, no. Should I Google NFL hits on my phone and see what comes up?
And it looks like, oh, they get taken advantage of by the managers constantly. These are basically just essentially workhorse human beings.
Maybe I'll look at it. Do I hate this game? Maybe I'll look into that cheerleader story.
Oh, they're, she's not paid minimum wage either.
That's right. Oh. Oh, cheerleaders.
Yeah, they haven't made. They haven't made.
Oh wait, they get $10 an hour? Oh God.
There's going to be a year, and I think we both know it's coming where it's like, I just don't want to be a bad person. Some people have already had it. I mean, there, there are people I know personally who are football fans who are just not following this year because of everything that's happened and they don't want to support the sport anymore.
Right. I think that's really admirable. I can't help it. Like I, I can't get either the fantasy football is so fun and it makes up so much of my fall.
The fall is such like a dismal time of year and things aren't going great with the country right now. That's a lot of things to look down on.
And football is just like this one thing where if I just ignore all the bad parts, I can just pretend like, it's always like it was when I was a child and I was watching it with my dad and my brother. Right. This is our, this is our plea to America and to the NFL, like, like save your sport. Don't have a preseason. Yeah. We are coming to a place where it's like you can't have a moral high ground about some things and not everything. Yeah. And it's getting hard with the NFL. So anyway, cancel the preseason so we can still watch the sport. Right? Yeah. Hey everybody.
Thank you for watching that video. You can click the see that's in the middle of the screen to subscribe to more of our delicious content. You can go on to the right rail over there and watch any more videos that you want to or you can hit that little bell at the bottom and we'll notify you when we make more videos. So you can then watch them, consume them, you know, however, you can eat videos now. |
TheOnion | memorial_honors_victims_of_imminent_dam_disaster | The city of Folsom, California, in a sad ceremony today honored those who will die in the imminent Folsom Dam disaster. Brian Scott has the story. The Folsom Dam has been a Sacramento Valley landmark for over half a century. But since a spillway gate began to leak four years ago, the dam has become a symbol of doom for the hundreds, perhaps thousands of souls who will be consumed in its onrushing waters. But this year, the Sacramento County government finally decided to act, budgeting $20,000 to construct a memorial for the victims of the inevitable tragedy. This disaster will have been preventable. All of the warning signs are here now, yet no one will have done anything about it. Unveiled at a ceremony today, the Folsom Disaster Remembrance statue is intended to provide comfort for those who are about to lose their family members, friends, or even their own lives in the disaster. I only wish that there was some way to avoid this terrible tragedy that didn't require so much funding. The memorial is built on high ground overlooking the dam so that it won't be swept away along with the rest of the town and its citizens.
It was designed by Japanese artist Keiko Tottori.
This memorial is classic American style because this will be historic national tragedy. The memorial will be etched with the names of the victims once they are killed. One name has already been added, Dennis Munoz, a civil engineer who works in the dam's control tower and will undoubtedly be the first to be killed by the 80 billion tons of water when the structure bursts. The memorial will be the place where I will remember Dennis. My grave won't matter because they're not going to find my body. The memorial was designed to accommodate 500 names after considering the number of homes in the area and the average traffic on nearby Route 10.
I will take the full responsibility for the tragedy when it happens. I am tendering my resignation effective the day the dam finally breaks. I think once the massive death toll becomes apparent, I will end my own life. What will I have done? The memorial can also be altered to include up to 2,000 names in the event that the disaster occurs during the annual Folsom Jazz Festival. For the Onion News Network, I'm Brian Scott. Our prayers will go out to each and every one of the victims. |
cracked | we_fixed_godzilla_vs_kong | Script doctor, huh? What's with the stethoscope? It's for my other job. Okay. What did you think of the Godzilla versus Kong script?
We have some thoughts. You have some thoughts. Yeah, I have some thoughts.
So, how come all these fighter pilots lie so close to Godzilla that he can smack him out of the air with his little stubby arms? Planes go boom. Yeah, sure. That might've made sense in 1933, but they have missiles now that can hit targets as small as a truck from like miles away. Planes go boom. I think what my assistant is trying to say is that we love that the planes go boom. Planes go boom, yeah. Um, sure. But we need to explain why they go boom. Planes go boom.
And Godzilla's attacking. A big lizard foot smashes through the ceiling, killing every single pilot's extended family all in one fell swoop. Right then and there, the pilots make a pact that if they ever get a chance to kill Godzilla, they're gonna fly real close and out the cockpit window flash the big guy a photo collage of all their dead family. So he knows that for them, killing Godzilla is personal.
You already have that whole scene drawn in animatic form ready to go. Obviously, did you not? I don't know if Godzilla could see a photo that small moving that fast. Okay, yeah, sure. Well, so here you have a character who says that Nazis invented fluoride in water, which it's not true. It's true in this movie. I'm not gonna budge on that. Okay, well, how about in this scene?
So why would they put Kong on a boat when they know that Godzilla will attack from the ocean? And then they don't think to use the depth charges until the end. And they don't think to bring along submarines or torpedoes or any of this advanced futuristic tech that they have. And even still, they can fly Kong later through the air and Godzilla can't attack.
So why didn't they do that in the first place? It just feels like the whole scene doesn't really make sense. Okay, counterpoint though, boats go boom.
Jesus, I got one. So here near the end, there's this part where the guy gets bit by that prehistoric pterodactyl bat thing. He gets bit on the leg, but I'm thinking his ass gets bit.
Okay, now that is a great idea. Okay, if you like that, and how about a few minutes earlier, when we enter the hall of Kong's people or whatever and it's got a gate and a throne and like an ax made out of a Godzilla fin or just, it seems like it was built by a pretty advanced society. It's where we learned that Kong comes from a line of intelligent apex predators. Right, but doesn't that mean that Kong is kind of a dumb ass?
Excuse me? Well, I just mean that if his society is advanced enough to make like weapons and architectural marvels, then why should we be so excited that he learns how to do a single word in ASL after decades of observation, right? I mean, I got it. Maybe we should see what Adam thinks. Shut up. Flashback.
Baby Kong is living happily with his big ass monkey parents on Skull Island. Kong speaks fluid Spanish and has already built his own computer out of coconuts. His mother comes over to pick up the coconut computer so she can dust under it. It turns out the thing was structurally unsound and one of the biggest coconuts slips out of his mom's hands and plops Kong right on the head. And from that day on, Kong can only speak through guttural roars and by throwing trees and shit.
Wait, are the island people Spaniards? No, they're not Spaniards, but it is interesting because their whole tribe died several years ago, right?
But we keep saying in here that she's gonna wear clothes that seem authentic to ewe people, but is she getting them shipped in from New Zealand or? No, Kong's just a great seamstress. A seamstress? Yeah, he even made it to that Kong doll. A seamstress?
That seems like it would be really out of place. We don't have to show it as long as we know it. Right, Adam? Okay. Well, how about when Godzilla comes out of the water and he blows up a whole bridge with his back? I thought he was a good guy. Seems like he could just get out of the water five seconds later and he'd be fine, right? That's how Godzilla scratches his back. It's like a bear on a tree, am I right, Adam? I'm honestly not sure anymore. Is that also the explanation for why his fire breath can cut to the center of the earth, but the same fire breath just knocks Kong over a little bit? I mean, is that also an itchy bear thing? Earth, go.
Adam, please. Adam, please don't.
I've got it. So right as Godzilla's about to breathe fire, flash, but it'll have to be flashbacks. Flash back. So Godzilla's 11 years old, right?
And he's having a tough time because basically every time he burps, he destroys an entire summer. It's hard making friends when you're always accidentally destroying their houses after too many chalupas.
So his mom gets him a stuffed monkey toy to be his friend. Godzilla immediately loves it and he grabs the thing and he squeezes it really hard, but oh no, too hard because Godzilla feels a burp coming on and he looks in the monkey's eyes and he sees fear. He knows that if that burp comes out at full blast, he'll incinerate the little guy. It's somehow his love for the monkey tempers the strength of the blast. Then he only blasts the monkey across the room, a bit singed, but ultimately unharmed. And even though Godzilla's angry at Kong in that exact moment, he remembers his monkey bud and his breath only comes out at half strength. Monkey bud, monkey bud. Is it even worth mentioning that Kong is an ape?
Bless you. That's all I've got for today. Looking forward to seeing the finished product. I actually had a few other notes, so many other notes. Oh, also by the way, I think the audience would hate if there was a definitive winner. So if you scroll over a little bit, you'll see what I've mocked up for the final freeze frame. Is that Rocky III? Where did he go? Yeah, he does that. Do you want to look at my- Boom.
Uh-huh. Holy shit, everyone! Roar! I watched it so quickly. I'm watching Citizen Kane. Monkey. Because we're way overselling this. Yeah. There's like one reference, and we're like, we're smart! I took a film- It's a good joke! |
SaturdayNightLive | josh_brolin_addresses_rumors_about_his_dune_co_star_snl | Hi, I'm Josh Brolin, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ariana Grande.
Josh, I love Dune, and I heard a rumor you were hooking up with your co-star. Okay, no. no, I wrote a poem for Timothy, and it wasn't anything more than that. Oh, no, I think she was talking about the sandworm. Oh, who told you about that?
Hi, I'm Josh Brolin, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ariana Grande.
Josh, I love Dune. Oh, thanks. I love the sand, and the caves, and the goggles, and that cow, the Big Cow. you haven't seen it, have you?
I've been busy, but I will. I'm X. Hi, I'm Josh Brolin, and I'm hosting Snl this week with musical guest Ariana Grande. Oh, this is going to be such a fun show. I know, music, sketches. yes, and weekend updates, some videos. yes, and? called Open, the monologue. yes, oh, and we can't be friends.
What? why not? imperfect for you. Oh, I see. Ariana is just listing track titles from her new album. it's your story. kind of a genius marketing strategy.
Thank you. Bye. bye. |
cracked | 5_incompetent_characters_who_make_superhero_plots_possible_yboc_spider_man_wonder_woman_batman | Hey there, nerds! My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding, which may sound like a supervillain name, but I assure you it is not, and you're definitely thinking of my brother, Dr. Barry Breeding. He looks like me, but he's evil. Anyway, your brain on Cracked is the only show on the internet that's a family program, and the only show on Cracked hosted by the father of my daughters, I...
I hope. Today I'll diagnose...
The fantasy driving every comic book movie is simple. You could fix a whole lot of things if only you had superpowers. And also if you were, you know, able to punch real good, and you had a good reason for punching, and then you'd just be able to, you know, punch all the things. It'd be great! It'd be awesome!
But mostly it's about the superheroes making things right, probably. Funny thing, though, it turns out that stuff that already works in our world does a pretty good job at making things work right, and superhero stories are only possible because their versions of these institutions don't work at all. And I'm not just talking about the unnatural number of scientist-animal hybrids plaguing the neighborhood. I mean, stuff that producers are just hoping you won't notice.
Spider-Man 2 features Peter Parker struggling because he is unable to perform on command, and I'd make a boner joke here, but the movie hopefully includes a doctor of its own to do it for me. My diagnosis? It's up here. We only see the end of the visit, but it's clear that Peter got a full medical checkup, and Peter Parker, who has sworn to keep his identity as Spider-Man's secret, even though his life falls apart when he does, he willingly submitted to an examination by a medical professional. And you might think that the joke is that this doctor knows Peter's secret, and this is a little conspiracy between them, but no, that's not what's going on at all.
You seem very okay to me. So the doctor didn't react to seeing anything weird about this spider-gene superhuman, even after checking his heart and pulse and his eyes and his reflexes, or, I mean, even if we say that all those are maybe down now to human levels, thanks to Peter's issues, what about the more permanent stuff, like all those sticky hairs on his fingers, or those plainly visible holes in his wrist where webs may or may not shoot out of? The doctor didn't note these anomalies at all. I immediately prescribe an entire keg of oxy to any patient who has a mole I don't like. But this doctor didn't report anything to the American Medical Society for reporting weird stuff, which is something I'm pretty sure exists. I'm a real doctor, but no, he doesn't. You seem very, very, very, very, very okay to me.
The scene answers the long-standing dilemma of what a secret superhero would do if they desperately needed a doctor. It turns out they don't need to worry, doctors are just dumb as rocks. How did young Clark Kent ever get by when Kansas required all school kids to be vaccinated? And they've been doing that for like a hundred years, and it used to be a lot tougher. Did the Kent's have to set aside a chunk of their corn money or whatever to bribe doctors to lie for them and shut up about any weirdness? I guess a doctor tries a blood test by just shattering one syringe after another and then shrugging, saying, I don't know who's must be above my pain grade. Sounds like a regular Dr. Barry reading to me. I mean, yeah, some superheroes take very special pains to keep their medical treatments on the down low, which is why I assume that Alfred does all of Bruce Wayne's colonoscopies and also why Rosario Dawson played the part of a personal nurse to superheroes in 14 different separate Netflix shows.
But even this requires a sort of willful negligence on the part of the hospitals. I mean, they're just letting their supplies vanish and being used without explanation. When an injured Dr. Strange teleports from Nepal to a hospital, the unnamed nurse who sees him doesn't inform anyone of the wounded man who bypassed reception. And then it turns out that the building just keeps a bunch of operating rooms vacant just in case a maverick surgeon like Rachel McAdams needs to single handedly operate on superheroes in secret without having to account for the use supplies or her own time.
Meanwhile, there are office workers out there watching this video right now who can't get a stack of post-it notes from the supply closet without having to fill out a report or engage in a torrid affair with an office manager. You could see the squirrels and they were married.
For movies that are literal military propaganda, because you know, the Pentagon is always cutting deals with movies to make them look better so that we can use tanks for cheap. Superhero movies make the military look pretty sh**y. We come away from the Avengers thinking that a big green punching guy and one Russian lady with a handgun could do a better job fighting an alien invasion instead of say, literally anyone in the army in a gunship. But as these movies get bigger and bigger, we get to see bigger fights, which means that we get to see some actual armies coming to play and we're supposed to root for them. But it's just weird that these armies are way sh**ier than the real ones. In Black Panther, we're told that Wakanda has planes so advanced that they could just take over the whole world, whatever that means. Then in Infinity War, we get a chance to see Wakanda united and defending itself and their plan to wipe out a bunch of aliens behind a barrier is to charge at them with spears.
What, were all their planes in the shop? If so, they could have given Ethiopia a call because Ethiopia has a sick Air Force. True story, my dad actually helped design an in-flight magazine for one of their commercial airlines.
Ethiopia could have wiped the savannah with Thanos is my point. And also, my dad could definitely beat up Thanos dad. Jordan's dad versus Thanos's dad.
Ready? Fight!
The army of Wakanda comes back in Endgame 2 and this time they do bring a few planes, but mostly they bring thousands of foot soldiers who just fling themselves right at the open mouths of the aliens and die horribly. If calling in the military is now fair game, why not portal the heroes out of there and then just kill the aliens and their ship and everything with a couple of missiles from miles away. Man, if only they knew somebody who made their fortune selling missiles. We have something similar going on with the Amazons and Wonder Woman and I get why missiles or machine guns wouldn't exactly suit the mythological island paradise vibe, but it's still kind of weird that we're supposed to root for a hyper competent army of deathbringers if and only if they wield tools invented 10,000 years ago. These same Amazons and Justice League fail at the one thing they've been trained to do because bows apparently aren't that powerful against aliens. I freaking love that this magic box from hell starts acting up and their only possible reaction is to point swords and arrows at it. When Steppenwolf shows up, they realize that their pointy sticks aren't enough, so they just tackle him hoping that he'll give up like your little brother. Spoiler, that didn't work either.
In Avengers Age of Ultron, Ultron's plan involves instantly sending billions of dollars in exchange for his magic medal. You'd think Ultron would just steal the vibranium if he's so powerful and evil and he plans on destroying the whole world anyway, and he does look like he's in the mood for taking things by force.
But he transfers money to buy the stuff just to show us his power over the internet. He's basically a less robotic Mark Zuckerberg. If this has you terrified about real hackers suddenly moving billions and bringing down whole economies, you may be relieved to learn that banks are way more worried about it than you are. That's why you can Venmo little money for some gamer girl feet pics, no problem. But if amounts that big go in or out of someone's account in the real world, an actual human has to approve those transactions. I'm shutting your butt down.
When the hackers got all the internet power they needed to siphon off a billion dollars a few years back, they only made a way with like a sliver of that before people noticed something fishy was going on. When other hackers steal millions, they can only do so by spacing it out over a long time. That's right, the office space heist plane was real and only extremely patient long-suffering hackers earned the right to do two chicks at the same time.
Damn straight, I always wanted to do that man.
Now check out how fiscally irresponsible the bank in Spider-Man 2 is. Not only do they cast Joel McHale as a loan officer instead of as Marvel's next great wise-cracking hero, but they also salt away a large portion of their money in giant sacks of gold. Ow! Gold may be all well and good for nations to keep as reserves, but banks are supposed to keep funds in something they can, you know, do something with. So they can lend it to businesses and people, which is how they make more money. And now you know why they couldn't approve that loan for dear old Aunt May. Their money was all tied up in being useless ass metal in a vault.
In The Dark Knight Rises, Joseph Gordon Levitt's cop character pokes around construction sites and learns that Daggett Industries has baked explosives into underground projects all over the city. Unfortunately, he discovers this mere moments before Bane detonates said explosives. But it's pretty impressive that he figures it out at all, given that, as he says when Gordon asks him to investigate, it's almost enough to make you wish Gotham had people who did know about civil engineering looking into such things, like say, civil engineers, you know, ones under the city's employ, especially with the city having had a bit of a history of terrorist attacks.
This isn't the anarchic corrupt Gotham of years past, by the way, where the authorities do nothing, which is why we need a Batman. By this point, the city has totally turned itself around, now ruthlessly clamping down on criminal threats of all kinds. But when it comes to infrastructure, the only rule is no rules. Go ahead and set that bridge on fire in the shape of a bat. See if the mayor gives a shit. I'm thinking that the rule in superhero universes is if it's not physically in view, there is absolutely nobody overseeing it. That's why the sewers are a place where anything goes in The Dark Knight Rises or The Amazing Spider-Man.
And in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, we learn that the late Richard Parker somehow built a secret lab in a subway station that opens like an Indiana Jones temple. How he managed this boggles the mind because he didn't even have a team of goons helping him. In our world, maybe you can spray paint a d*** on a subway wall without getting caught, but eventually somebody's going to come, you know, paint over your d***. Oh my god. I'll never understand what's so amusing about penises. But in these movies, you can do major, noisy, illegal construction for years, drawing insane amounts of power and nobody will notice as long as it's underground. Over in a different, better Spider-Man 2, we have Doc Ock performing extraordinarily dangerous work in a not secret lab built right into his Manhattan home.
Now, I'm not questioning the wisdom of a scientist strapping robot tentacles to his spine or creating his own son. We already have an explanation for that. He's a mad scientist. Nor am I questioning the wisdom of Oscorp pursuing dangerous passion projects without regard for caution or morality. We have an explanation for that too. Its CEO is freaking James Franco.
But I am somewhat questioning why the NYC Department of City Planning thought it was appropriate to permit nuclear experiments in an East Village loft. Let's face it, life is just more fun without zoning regulations.
After years of superheroes having their way with us, movies realized that some of us were starting to ask inconvenient questions. So we got a couple of films that seemed to hold the costume heroes accountable. Batman v Superman and Civil War gave us grim retrospectives with everyone getting really sad about past movies' destruction. But these movies tell us that we're supposed to hold heroes accountable for exactly one thing, collateral damage killing people. Death seems to be the only fear anyone has, even though there are plenty of other bad things powerful people can do. In our world, we have legal protections against all kinds of abuse. In superhero worlds, that's much.
When the Avengers first assemble and are trying to find Loki's crew in the Tesseract, Coulson says, We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet, cell phones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us. But Banner suggests a narrower, more efficient tracking system. And in the end, they find Loki easily because, what do you know, he wasn't hiding anyway. But the surveillance system was set up before Loki and presumably continues afterwards.
No one questions its existence, not even the Avengers who got super angry about SHIELD secretly making weapons. That sort of limitless mass surveillance is bad, right? We know it is, if only because when the same system appeared in the Dark Knight, they practically broke the fourth wall to speak against breaking the Fourth Amendment. But unless Morgan Freeman's going to stop by and blow the thing up himself, it'll continue because the superhero world has no check on that sort of thing. Does the Constitution not apply to SHIELD? I mean, if a citizen discovered what they were doing, what would their legal recourse even be? And I know that SHIELD turns out to be run by super Nazis and it's brought down a couple of films later, but that's only because its own employees testify about the agency trying to actively kill millions of people.
Again, people dying is the only dangerous superhero law wants to protect against. Now, you might say that laws wouldn't make any difference even if these worlds wanted to pass some since heroes just ignore the law anyway. And yet law enforcement, you know, the ones bound by the laws, they work with heroes whether they want to admit it or not. The very police forces that condemn Batman, Spider-Man or Daredevil as vigilantes dutifully arrest the people that these heroes string up.
In our world, you could go to the police station and share your suspicions about someone and police might follow up on that. But if you tried tying a mugger up in an alley and then fleeing the scene, the cops won't interview him about robbing you. They're going to interview him about getting assaulted, not arrested based on evidence they don't have.
Originally, police finding the heroes handiwork and just trusting him was, you know, part of this whole fantasy. Superheroes can heroically bypass due process because they're right about everything. But the more superhero movies we get, the more we see heroes getting it wrong, like all the time. The very first crime fighting montage we have of Tom Hall and Spider-Man shows him mistakenly webbing a guy for breaking into his own car. And apparently when heroes meet each other for the first time, they almost always attack each other over what appears to be a whacking misunderstanding. We're supposed to believe that every other opponent they go after someone the police should lock up, no questions asked. In general, it's a weird fantasy to cling to, right?
It's like looking at American police and saying, you know what would help these guys do their jobs better if they weren't accountable for their actions or methods at all? Come on, you can't be this stupid. Okay, let's see. So demanded a day of recognition for the unsung sewer inspector, proved that the US military should be a lot more free with all those bombs they want to drop. And I believe informed everyone that Nick Fury uses his one good eye to watch you masturbate.
Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some drugs that will make you fly. I mean, they won't give you powers that just make you look cool. Because drugs are cool. Wait, actually, it says it'll make you feel like you can find it takes a long time for it to kick in to love being in my human form. |
dropout | getting_stuck_in_a_bad_conversation_next_to_a_good_conversation_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter!
So anyway, I'm at the D&B. Wait, I mean, I'm parking at the D&B. So I'm driving around, I'm looking at these parking signs, and I don't know what they mean, and it's like, getting frustrated and more fun. Freakin' ham Mercedes S-Class, right? Right? Technically, Taco Bell is already closed, but John said if he doesn't get a crunch wrap in the next hour, he's gonna jack up a dude, so he broke in. Do you know what I'm talking about? How like, the curb's sometimes a green, and it's like, part of me is like, green means go, I can park there, but then the other part of me is like, why ain't the whole thing green, you know? Sour cream freakin' everywhere! And then, guess which other Mad Men cast member shows up? A meter maid! You know? And that's gotta be ironic, right?
Cool, well, great talking to you. Yeah, it is great talking to you.
Anyway, so like, I'm in the D&B at this point, with not one, but two parking tickets, and I'm looking around, this place is packed! I don't understand how there are many- Yeah, the Mexican detention system is actually way easier to navigate than you would think. If you have the money. I gotta grab a number. Which I did. 138. Next thing I know, all the other inmates are calling me Hefe. They were only on number 55.
Hefe! Nete Tito Protection! So I pull out my laptop. Hefe! Tenor Compafion! Boom!
Oh, I don't know if I told you this, I'm writing a screenplay.
Brrra! Ayurume! Brrra!
Oh my god. Yeah, it's like quite the undertaking, but I feel like I'm ready. U.S. Marshals, get down! It's about a guy who has to move home and live with his parents. So, you know, I basically had my freedom, but at that point, I didn't even know if I wanted it. It's a little bit autobiographical. I need to use the bathroom. Oh, me too. Let's go. So finally, my number gets called, and it's like, finally. So then I would say it's like a slip and slide, but with chocolate pudding.
Emily! Turns out my license expired last month. Did you know you can give the high milk bit of it to a cat? I think it was while visiting my grandparents in Ohio. You know who would love this? Emily. Or maybe it was my aunt in Michigan.
I'm not a lesbian, but it was the most gratifying sexual experience of my life. Saltines are spicy.
I can't do this anymore. Do what anymore?
Hey! Hey, what are you guys talking about? You're just in time. We're talking about our screenplays that we're working on. Yeah. Bye! No, wait. Mine's about an action movie. |
TheOnion | Minnesota_Braces_For_Return_Of_Bachmann_s_Full_Attention | Minnesota braces for the return of Michelle Bachman's full attention. Nobody notices that the price of stamps is now $30. And in late breaking news, now it's a party. We're slightly less scared and lost than you are, putting us firmly in the high-status position. It's the Onion Week in Review.
Scandalous photos leaked on the internet Tuesday revealed that Grover Norquist has carried on a secret decades-long affair with taxes. The anonymously released images show the Republican power broker doing taxes in a variety of locales. And additional documents have surfaced this week, linking Norquist to all-night orgies involving federal income taxes, property taxes, capital gains taxes, estate taxes, and even the sales tax of several small municipalities. In response to the damning allegations, Norquist posted the following video to his website Wednesday. And that over the last 28 years, I have carried on multiple affairs with numerous kinds of taxes. At this time, I'd like to ask the media to respect my family's privacy. As we work through this ordeal and also to respect the privacy of taxes.
According to a study published Monday in the New England Journal of Medicine, hearing a loved one's voice induces excruciating pain in coma patients. The research suggests that every second a family member or close friend is speaking tearfully at a coma patient's bedside, the subject experiences pain of such intensity that doctors have likened it to slowly having one's skin removed with a dull pair of scissors before being doused in gasoline and set on fire. Researchers emphasize that the agony only increases as sentiments from loved ones grow more heartfelt and emotional. And in addition to auditory stimuli, the study confirmed that pain analogous to millions of soldier ants picking away every last piece of flesh from one's body can be caused by the scent of fresh flowers, the presence of mylar balloons, and the gentle running of fingers through the coma patient's hair.
In local news, a fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in. Seen here in cell phone footage posted to YouTube by witnesses, two unidentified males in their 20s exchange a few good punches but are very quickly reduced to rolling around on the ground and encouraging each other to give up. Onlookers generally agree that the guy who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs had probably won.
In this week's opinion pages, General George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not yet been realized. In other news, Philip Morris introduces a new line of Marlboro Sinus PM cigarettes, the Capitol Building is haunted by the spirit of a killed piece of legislation, and a fish is at a pretty good place in its life right now. A tale is told that a portrait of the eerily ageless Onion Weekend review molders away behind lock and key in a secret room. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
CrackerMilk | i_can_t_stop_waffle_stomping | Welcome back to another cracker milk podcast. Hello, everyone, and welcome back. Come back. It's good to be here today.
We're going to be in a town council meeting. And I am the council spokesperson. I represent everything you want. And I'm here to take in your concerns about our town and what you do in city council town in Brisbane needs.
So does anyone in the audience have anything they'd like to can you stop piling this podcast is sponsored by our Patreon. Go to our Patreon and support us there. If you want to see more beautiful content, you can check this out on Spotify as well. If you're in the car or maybe you're having a wank and you want to watch some pornography and and listen to us in the background, our Patreon.
It helps me a lot. Now, do I have any more quick concerns coming coming forward? Yes. You the one hiring. Yeah, look.
So I've got a query about the toilets that you've got around the town. Yeah, we do have a number of public toilets.
We just upgraded. Most of them are now wheelchair accessible. We are now wheelchair accessible.
Thank you.
Just an issue with that. We're putting Braille on the toilet paper. So the blind are aware of where to wipe and how much to wipe. Yeah, look, the issue that I've got is not about any of that.
It's about because you've you've went with an olden style technology with the drop the drop toilets with the holes you cut out and you sit on top of them and you shit and it's just it fills up. And look, I think it's a great idea because, you know, it's really the compost. But the thing is that when do you think you're going to, you know, empty them? Because recently when I've been going to the toilet, it's been like tickling my little bottom because it's been filled all the way up. That is very alarming that it's not emptied.
And I do apologize for that.
However, all of our toilets are modern. They have modern plumbing. And you said you've been shitting in what you believe are our toilets.
And it's just a hole cut in the floor. Yes.
I don't think you've been taking shits in our toilets. Where have I been taking shits then? Where are the toilets? Could you tell me the location of one of the toilets?
Well, there's one just in like the back room of this the council. There's one in the kitchen. There's one just in our industrial kitchen that we used to feed the homeless every Wednesday night in the tiles that like kind of like goes down. And then there's like a little crate. So you've been taking the shit in there like shit on there. And then stomp it down.
You've been shitting in the drain. Where are you? Other place to put the toilet. Where are your other toilets? We're in place to put the toilet. Is anyone else in the crowd taking shits? Not in the toilets? Yes, you. Yes, my kitchen sink. You've been shitting in your kitchen sink? Yes, because the toilets have not been emptied. Where did you where did you last shit before your kitchen sink?
My daughter's choir practice. Your honor, there's another job that there's been a toilet issue. Yeah, what's that? It's actually in the same choir room. I didn't actually realize there was one in the in the in the shower. Where have you been going? Well, you know, the grand piano.
No, that's not a toilet underneath the key. That's like a giant toilet that plays music to hide the sound when you're pooping and it makes it really comfortable. That is not a public that is not a public. But sometimes when you hit the and they have the little man that flushes it for you and the hammer that flies off, it flips through everywhere.
Hey, guys. Hey, mate.
Yeah, we're going to need a new grand piano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe just get a couple on reserve because I don't think. Yeah.
Can you just go around to the can you go around to the public showers and just check the drains as well? Yeah, I think they're stuffed with I think they're stuffed with shit. OK, guys, any other questions you have? I just wanted to thank the council for taking this matter seriously. Thank you for clearing out the poo from the toilet. You guys have not been shitting in toilets. You need to take shits in toilet, not shitting great. Understand? Not shitting great, shitting toilet. Understand? Well, yeah, I've been shitting in toilets.
Where do you take a shower? Where do I take a shower?
Yeah. Toilet. OK, any other concerns from the town? Yes, you? My, my neighbour. Yes. So my neighbour who lives at 34 Wakerley Street have a whole family. Is that you? Yeah. And that, oh, yeah, well, I've got a bone to pick with you. You've got a boner to pick? Sure, sure, sure.
So I'm just going to take it up to council, all right? Just going to take it up to council.
So what you've done is you keep. Just direct your hand towards me. What you've done, mate. Look at me, mate.
What you've done, mate, is you've 11.03pm, my alarm goes off, got to go to bed. I go, all right, I snooze into bed, all right? I start to cuddle my wife and I hear a thumpin, thumpin, thumpin. And I go, those bloody neighbours, you, you've been fucking again, loudly.
And I'm taking issue with that fact. You need to keep it down, all right? There's no, there's no, I don't have any recourse. There's no noise, noise capacity. Your Honour, objection, objection. OK, yes.
Look, just because I work the night shifts and I wake up at 11pm and I have to start working. I am a tradesman. What's your job? I'm a carpenter.
Is that the thumping I'm hearing? Yes, sex. Why? Look at me. Do you think I have sex? Why is the wood? Me? I have sex.
Councillor, why is the wood he's procuring with varnish? Why is that wood going, oh, oh, please, oh, oh, no more. Oh, oh, oh, another objection.
This is not a court. I'm not a judge.
I'm sorry, Your Honour. I'm not, stop calling, just councilman is fine, thank you. Yes, Your Honour. No, stop.
Look, yes, the community garden. Yes. Yeah, there's too many blokes. Sorry? Yeah, I'll go there. Just a bunch of blokes. In the garden? Yeah. Where, the community garden's got too many blokes. Yes, I was expecting there to be tomatoes there, potatoes, frittatas, but there's just a bunch of blokes.
On the green field. Yeah, they're all sort of standing on it like it appears to be a trough and there's a little platform, they stand on it and they're going like this, just holding their hands in front of them. And I'm just curious, where am I meant to plant my seeds? So where you have gone is in the community garden, Madrid.
You've actually found yourself in the male urinal. Ah. So have you been bloke here? Yes. Correct. That was the male urinal. I saw you come in, lady, and we were having a pissing tournament to see who would piss the longest and the highest.
If you go down from the urinal to the left, you will find the community garden, okay? And the one thing with the community garden is the plants are typically dead.
We do not have a lot of volunteers, so would you like to volunteer to help the garden? I'd love to. Yeah, I could volunteer for the garden. I do have a lot of stuff backed up, so I mean, I could probably deposit a few goods to help with the compost. I have a question.
Do you plan on taking a shit in the community garden? I said, I never said take shits in the garden. I said drop off goods. Okay, what do you mean by drop off goods? Taking a shit in the garden.
Hey, counselor. Can you get me out of this well? Oh, God. It's a man stuck in wells. Counselor, I'm stuck in this well. God, the man is stuck in the well again. Yeah, hey, Gary, how are ya? Are ya a freak out of this well? Can we open up like some sort of a meeting to think of ideas to help get him out of the well?
Because I've got a good idea. Yeah, what idea do you have?
I was thinking of possibly like, because I am very backed up. I could probably, and I've been topping off a lot of our houses. If I use my powers to then drop off my goods in the well, I could fill it up and then he could get out. Why are you being filled up? Gary, we're going to help you out.
No, please, don't shoot me. Don't shoot me. I won't.
Gah. We're going to pinch another one off, Gary. Please, no more. Gah. That's a big one. Please, don't go around for something. Please. Listen, listen. Gah.
That is a deep well. That goes far. I'm going to have to shoot a lot. It's a very deep well. We're going to have to pinch quite a few off for you to build up enough of them to climb out.
I think this is a bit of a community effort now. It's getting a little serious. I think we need the whole community to chip in and help shoot in this well. Okay, can we get all everyone around? All right, everybody sit around the well. All right, pants down, assholes over, and push.
No.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Crack and Melt podcast. Full 20-minute version available on our Patreon. And if you like this one, maybe consider subscribing and leave a comment. Fucking leave a comment. They help out. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | PM_In_Tears_Not_All_Men_Social_Justice_Warrior_Loses_Voice_More_March_26 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Board and recording live here in downtown Batutah. Hell of a week. Cabinet reshuffle, there's fucking lots going on.
How are you guys going? Very well mate, I'm dry so I can't complain. How are you Clance? You're dry as in it stopped raining or you're off the piss? I've been off the piss for a couple of days I guess but no I'm not flooded, I'm not wet.
Well that's great to hear Wendell, how about you Errol? Mate, keeping it pretty quiet mate, just keeping the blinkers on you know. Had a little bit of a falling out with the boys that I've been camping with these past few weeks. You know they were just saying all these different things like they were saying that you know parts of the government had to go by force and I didn't really agree with that and then they were like well who are you mate like do you work for ASIO or something and then they like you know they gave me a bit of a flogging but now yeah we're just not really. Is that why there was a burning cross on your lawn the other night or? No that wasn't oh well look it could have been mate I don't really know but I look I'm just working through a lot of stuff at the moment so maybe we should just kick this on mate. Yeah what's in the news Wendell?
We'll start off with a big political story and it's about Scotty being brought to tears after imagining that desk belonging to Jenny. Yes another week has rolled by and the government is still being plagued by its treatment of women believe it or not. After the fallout from the criminal allegations continued it was revealed a few days ago that a senior government advisor decided to shave the carrot on a female MP's desk in a very weird and very young liberal turn of events. Yes and of course Scotty had to front the cameras and answer some questions about the issue desperate to show the voters that he is empathetic and caring the bloke in chief decided to bite the bullet and conjure up some crocodile tears by deciding to imagine that that was his wife's desk that the bloke wanked on. Jenny certainly does have a way of clarifying things and there was a comment on that one from Danielle Mangelsdorf who said that the desk should actually consider itself lucky in countries not far from here desks are dodging bullets.
Now we have another big story with some national ramifications and not all men says type of bloke who has never met a woman he didn't make feel uncomfortable. A very interesting story this one in my opinion. Interesting that you wrote this one Clance. Yeah well with all that's happening in politics and International Women's Day and the like taking place we thought we'd actually you know do the work and go and interview some men about all this and I stumbled across one free thinker from down in Battuta Heights who doesn't blindly subscribe to this woke PC ideology Aldous Quilton his name was.
He reckons these numbers of you know the UN reporting 97% of women have experienced some sort of sexual harassment in their lifetime. He reckons these numbers are warped with the intention of painting all men with the same brush. This is the same man who makes every woman he meets including his mum feel uncomfortable said. Personally I find a lot of women want to be victims and all the statistics are skewered to push leftist agendas.
Yeah I'm not sure you had enough saliva in your mouth for that quote there Clancey. Our next story is about someone that this man Aldous is fighting against. The headline reads inner city social justice warrior runs into Peter Dutton in the airport toilet and says nothing. Yeah it's taking place down at the local Big Bird Avery a local social media loudmouth who said they'd give Peter Dutton a piece of their mind if they ever ran into him. I had the opportunity to do so this week but I ultimately didn't say shit because they got scared. Have either of you ever come face to face with Peter Dutton?
He's a big man. He isn't small but anyway this local drop nuts named Darcy is currently wallering in self-hatred after locking eyes with Dutton as they pissed and actually losing the ability to speak funnily enough. So Peter Dutton apparently on the way out called him a weak dog geez. Yeah that would have been quite humiliating and there was a comment from Dave Greening along the lines of what you were saying just before Errol. He said he's a big dude at least six foot five he's scary which is to me kind of pathetic. Yeah well he wouldn't last 10 minutes in Fred Brophy's 10 I'll guarantee you that.
Absolutely not not with that posture you could you bring it down with a dragonfly.
Or a can of dog food. Woof woof piggy.
Now story about some blokes who aren't afraid to throw and blind drunk brickies punching on outside the pub at 1 p.m. a fair indication we've had some good rain. Yes it was pretty wet this week right across the eastern seaboard and through the west central Australia but Tudor as well and one of the greatest indicators of that was the fact that a couple of blokes in high views were throwing hands just after lunchtime a few days ago. You know what they say two drops on a tally ho and off you go. As a man from the Bureau of Meteorology said we saw a lot of tradies absolutely lifting each other outside hundreds of licensed venues over the weekend and that's a fair indication that they've had some great rain. There you go good to hear a guy from the Bureau of Meteorology getting something right and our last story of the week is sausage dogs great in theory.
Yes a recent report has found that the adorable sausage dog is much more likely to be enjoyed as an idea not necessarily as a reality or as a pet for that matter. The study also found that outside the cuteness factor the dachshund's ability to climb stairs or be tied up outside a coffee shop without carrying on like a goose makes them very impractical and I'll tell you what I've done a lot of traveling in my time and when I was in Bavaria I'll tell you what these dachshunds are delicious. They're up there with the French bulldog but in terms of back here in Batutah I would just go and get a rescue dog or something like that you know save some money save a life. Well the French Bulldog actually has health problems I mean the the sausage dogs are unable to climb stairs with their tiny little legs but the French Bulldog has health problems too so.
They do mate. You don't see many of them in rescue.
It's kind of like owning an old Audi I mean I'll tell you what I did with my old old Audi is the same thing I did with my youngest French Bulldog is that when it started to break down and get old I just drowned it. Okay. Were you saying that the French Bulldogs are up there with the sausage dogs for deliciousness Errol by the way or just for the cost of running? Well you know mate it is you know cost is is a factor you know I think they'd be much cheaper overseas so you can eat them over there where here you know you'd you'd do your ass in two seconds if you just lived exclusively off the flesh of French Bulldogs and dachshunds. That's it from us this week thank you for listening to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin I'm Clancy Overall this is Errol Parker and that's Wendell Hussey thank you for joining us today. Hooroo. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodbye. Of meteorology said we saw a lot of tradies absolutely lifting each other outside hundreds of licensed venues over the weekend and that's a fair indication that they've had some great rain. There you go good to hear a guy from the Bureau of Meteorology getting something right and our last story of the week is sausage dogs. Great in theory. Yes a recent report has found that the adorable sausage dog is much more likely to be enjoyed as an idea not necessarily as a reality or as a pet for that matter. The study also found that outside the cuteness factor the dachshunds ability to climb stairs or be tied up outside a coffee shop without carrying on like a goose makes them very impractical and I tell you what I've done a lot of traveling in my time and when I was in Bavaria I'll tell you what that these dachshunds are delicious they're up there with the French Bulldog but in terms of back here in Betuda I would just go and get a rescue dog or something like that you know save some money save a life. Well the French Bulldog actually has health problems I mean the sausage dogs are unable to climb stairs with their tiny little legs but the French Bulldog has health problems too so they do you don't see many of them in rescue. It's kind of like owning an old Audi I mean I'll tell you what I did with my old Audi is the same thing I did with my youngest French Bulldog is that when it started to break down and get old I just drowned it. Okay. Were you saying that the French Bulldogs are up there with the sausage dogs for deliciousness Errol by the way or just for the cost of running? Well you know mate it is you know cost is is a factor you know I think they'd be much cheaper overseas so you can eat them over there we're here you know you'd you'd do your ass in two seconds if you just lived exclusively off the flesh of French Bulldogs and dachshunds. That's it from us this week thank you for listening to the Betuda Advocate weekly bulletin I'm Clancy overall this is Errol Parker and that's Wendell Hussey thank you for joining us today hooroo al fida sayin goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | bike_trail_snl | It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah, it is. um, look, Hailey, there's something I have to tell you. um, okay. uh, I heard back from Apple, and they offered me the job. What? Oh, my God, that's amazing. I know, but it means I'd have to move to Cupertino. Oh.
I don't know what to do, Hailey. I mean, it's your dream job, Tom. you Have to go. I know, but what does that mean for us? I don't know. I mean, I guess maybe we should.
On your left, Ryder inbound! On your left! Sorry, man. here, let's step over here a bit.
I mean, look, we're both adults. I don't think either of us wants to go long distance. I know, but I, like, really like you. I do, too.
I mean, who knows? maybe we find our. on your left, clear the lane! Respect the Ryders, please! yeah, we're giving you plenty of room, man, and honestly, you're moving really slow. Ooh! this mountain is insane! it's not really a mountain. Here, babe, let's go. I mean, it's funny.
I've been daydreaming about us living together. I know. that would have been great, and honestly, I've never felt so close.
Siri, send text message to Kate from Hinge. Hey, Comma, Kate. last night was incredible. Eggplant emoji. sorry again for what happened at karaoke, period. I should not have said that word, comma, even if it is a big part of my favorite song by Kanye and J.c. shrug emoji. Speaking of which, Comma, we should visit Paris sometime, period. I will tell our gifts. send text with slam effect.
Hey, man, maybe get off your bike and just walk up the hill. I can't throw a Clifton big time. okay, just clip out and clip back in. no can do. have to pay a guy to help me in the first time because I don't got snow friends.
Siri, text therapists. have time for an emergency session night? Question Mark. feeling dangerously unstable. send with slap effect. Siri, send new text to Mom. I know I've asked this a hundred times, Comma, but what really happened to Dad? Question Mark. frowny face emoji. send with invisible ink. it can't be done.
I'll partner or something. I guess I can try.
Oh, crap. crap. crap. crap. Wow, you went flying down those trees. Yep, he's definitely dead.
Anyway, I mean, I still want to be friends. me too. I mean it. I mean it. and maybe down the road, we can. on your left! respect the road! This guy picked up a boogie downhill. popped a tire when I hit a porcupine. saw that little porcupine right now. it's porcupine, not porcupine. Hey, I like your vibe. would you want to go out sometime? I mean, I guess.
Okay, you know what? just forget it. forget it. damn it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, god. crap, crap, crap, crap. |
cracked | the_plot_twistingest_finale_in_the_history_of_final_episodes | F***ing hello! He's gonna f*** me. He f***ed me. You f***ed me! You f***ed me again! I f***ed right in there.
Shut the f*** up!
What the f***?
Uhhf! Yo! Not that.
Tell them why, for the sake of the world, they have to die. We have to die because of Beetone.
What, it's a coo? Yeah, but we're already dead, so it's a ghost coo like brrrr, brrrr, brrr. You're not dead.
That's the problem. Why does everyone keep saying that to me? That's why Beeton's after you. That's why you're hiding out in here while Mandy's out there saving your ass by distracting him.
Hey, guy. What did we do? Can't you read the truth? Hune in your old heart with a rough blade. Come on, son! Just tell them.
Not everything has to sound like Edgar Allan Poe farting onto a wax cylinder. Oh, I'm sorry. Too theatrical? Too over the top? Yeah, nice face, shadow.
Is this what we want? The better it is, but no, we didn't think so.
Michael, listen to me. I'm your father. You're my son. You might not have known this, but I've been looking out for you, watching over you. But I'm pretty sure we killed you, actually. How messed up is that? Michael, you're your father.
Well, now it's time for the ultimate prank. Dead by gunshot wound. Just like in my favorite movie, Milo and Otis. Let the rabbit have it. Take it back!
Yes, my boy. You're my son.
What the hell was that, Michael? They're still scraping residue off that intern. Yeah, you're gonna want to burn that.
Okay, cool. Hey, dad. Hello, son.
I feel like we're really painting ourselves into a corner here with a lot of this new information. I'll brief you, but shut up because we don't have much time.
The Chief is part of an ancient order, ancient, powerful, and willing to screw anything with sentience and junk in the drizzle. And, well, due to some... Extensive corkscrew-related testicular trauma. The Chief's only son came out, well... It's B-ton, isn't it?
Retarded as balls. I knew the other Chiefs would kill Michael if they ever found out. After all, you can't have a retarded demigod running around. Bad for business.
So he built you a safe place. A place with enough going on to keep you occupied. A place where you could remain unnoticed.
So all of crack.com is just a holding tank for Michael? I think of it as more of a petting zoo.
See? I told you I was allowed to touch whoever I wanted. That's where you come in, Dan.
Every child needs a companion. So he assigned Michael a partner. And another partner. More partners as necessary.
It's a good system.
I call them Choo Toys. I call you Choo Toy 8. Your name escapes me.
Using cloning technology, we staffed Broke.com. Broke was tasked with antagonizing crack. So as to provide Michael with guidance, direction... Yeah, bang up job on that front so far.
Speaking of death on the wind, Yoke can smell his farts right now, yeah? Prosthetic, no? I smell in 12 dimensions. I like the smell.
T-Bone turned on us and leaked Michael's existence to the Chief's counsel using faxes that he misinterpreted, or just failed to actually read. Both, listen to me, okay? You don't have to do this. You love me no choice! Mandy neutralized the problem, but it was too late.
Members of the Chief's order discovered that hidden in every article on crack.com is a complex code that, when cracked, reveals the secrets of the universe. I think I saw this. Nick Cage is in it. And that's why it's called cracked!
Anyone can achieve total enlightenment simply by reading every word on the website. And buying certain items of merchandise. Subconsciously, Michael wove the code into all of his videos and articles.
So be told, was reprogrammed to kill you both. He's a security robot.
Although hopefully he fell for our body that will ploy and will wander off famously without further incident. Uh, you mean besides the death of two innocent broken boys? Wait, that's why I said further incident.
I'm not an idiot. Okay, you invented cloning? And my job is meaningless? And B-Tone's a robot? We don't have time unless I want to bend us some more. Which I don't.
So which of those do you want answered? I guess, yeah, the robot thing. But if there's really any- Yes!
B-Tone's a robot. T-Bone too. They were both created to oversee cracked and broke operations from within. And once the other chiefs found that Michael was accidentally hiding the secret of the universe in his articles, they hacked into B-Tone and reprogrammed him for destruction.
Got it? Can we get to the next plot point now? Did somebody say, extermination? No? Well, what's the matter?
They- they forgot to program you for hearing? Burn! Sergeant, are you fucking kidding me with the eye patch? Ha ha ha. You didn't invent eye patches. When I'm done with you, you're gonna need two more of those because I'm gonna pluck eyeballs out of places you didn't even know you saw out of.
Order has no beef with you, Sergeant. Just let me kill the idiot and his friend. Come on, boys. Let's roll the dice.
This should be interesting. I haven't actually felt pain since the last Big Bang. Uh, before we get started, I just wanted to let everybody know that I've actually sort of lost track of who I'm supposed to be fighting. Also, I'm not supernatural like most of you seem to be and I have a mild case of asthma. So in case that factors into anyone's- It doesn't! This is life.
Oh, how awful. So, that's the end of Cracked.com. A lot more bloodshed than I thought.
Not me. So what are you gonna do with the company now that it serves no purpose beyond compiling lists of infantile dick jokes? I don't know. Make hats or something.
Well, here we are. All dead. No, no, no, no, no, not dead. That was just a Photoshop. We are clearly not dead. Yes, you are. See? You are just gonna confuse and help me out a little bit. As far as everyone else knows, you're dead.
That's what the order's been told. That's what I programmed into B-Tone's memory chip and that's what's been printed in the company newsletter. There's no going back now.
Me and you two have to disappear. I might not see you for a while, son. Hey, damn, I think he's talking to you, man. He's not gonna last a week.
Sure I will. If I'd followed the events correctly, I think I might be some kind of magic. Yeah, hey, that's right. That's good, Michael. Yay!
Ouch! Biggest mistake I ever made right there. Remember that chick? Candy something?
Yeah. Uh, I think I'm gonna head out. Next time you're in the desert, stop by. I will go scorpioning. Sure.
Hey, what did you do with B-Tone? Oh, I just reprogrammed him to filling for some employee who hasn't been showing up. Ravi, Rachel, Ricky, some worthless piece of shit. Looking good, Rick.
There's Stuart Newman. No, uh, Stuart. Stuart. Mom, it's Stuart. Mom.
Well, what now, partner? We could get hot dogs at that place on the pier. Strip club? Oh, we should go back to my place. I'll toss some dogs in a pot and get the Mrs. Hey, uh, Michael?
Buddy, uh, I don't have a job here anymore. I don't want to say I'm free, because that would be insulting to you, but, uh, that's kind of the vibe. I'm leaving.
What? To go where? The East Coast? To do what?
Sell scrimshaw scenes of the Civil War to passing cattlemen? Get married to a soap sculpture and die of heart stop?
The first part? Yes. Very much so. I'm going back to the East Coast. But the rest, that's all just little Michael things that I'll miss. Oh, uh, hey. Need two. Okay.
You'll be sorry. You know, I won't last a week. Seriously? How many times are we going to do this today?
You're not dead. I'm pretty sure you can't die. I don't even know how I'm still alive. And my key and editorial senses are telling me that that is probably a Photoshop, because you're holding it right now and I'm looking at you.
But that's what would happen if you left, Dan. I'd miss you a lot, and then I'd die.
Is that what you want? Also, I'm pretty sure I'm wanted for animal rape in a bunch of counties now. That's not a county by county thing. They formed posses, Daniel. People are taking the law into their own hands.
My mind's made up, buddy. I guess this is it, then. Yeah, I guess it is.
Partners. Form of Best Friends Forever Tron.
Hey, you guys can't be down here. Fuck you, man. We're friends. Hey, Dan, you think if I spit from up here, it would kill like a little kid, 8 to 12, that range? I don't know. Now I just pissed him off.
You know, you're gonna have to sleep in a grain silo. That's where we all sleep, Becky.
That's fine. Me and grain are cool now. And how are you at humping holes in the ground? Surprisingly professional. Thank you. For letting me come along, Daniel.
I knew it was bad for me, but I just couldn't help myself. Feel like the first act of a lifetime movie.
Hey, Dan. Michael! What took you so long? Seriously? How many times are we gonna do this today?
You're not dead. I'm pretty sure you can't die. I don't even know how I'm still alive. And my keen editorial senses are telling me that that is probably a photoshop. Because you're holding it right now.
But that's what would happen if you left, Dan. I'd miss you a lot. And then I'd die.
Is that what you want? Also, I'm pretty sure I'm wanted for animal rape in a bunch of counties now. That's not a county by county thing. That's if there's one.
They formed posse, Daniel. People are taking the law into their own hands.
My mind's made up, buddy. I'm gonna go. I guess this is it, then. Yeah, I guess it is.
Partners.
Form of Best Friends Forevertron. Hey, you guys can't be down here. Fuck you, man. We're friends. Hey, Dan. You think if I spit from up here, it would kill like a little kid, 8 to 12, that range? I don't know. Hey. Now I just pissed him off.
You know you're gonna have to sleep in a grain silo. That's where we all sleep, Becky.
That's fine. Me and grain are cool now. And how are you at humping holes in the ground? Surprisingly professional. Thank you. For letting me come along, Daniel.
I knew it was bad for me, but I just couldn't help myself. Feel like the first act of a lifetime movie.
Hey, Dan. Michael! What took you so long? |
dropout | if_people_left_parties_like_they_leave_facebook | Attention! Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make!
I am leaving this party! This may come as shocking to some of you. How could I, a popular young gentleman, not remain at the biggest party in town?
I suppose you might say I'm just a little different from the rest of you. You might even say I'm a little special.
You see, I do not like your conversations. The things you share are sensationalist at best and insipid at worst. In fact, I believe you've wasted so much of my time that it borders on unhealthy.
Yes, I will be a better person when I finally leave this place. By which I mean better than my former self. But also better than all of you!
Furthermore, I take issue with the people here. Some of you I like well enough, but many of you are passing acquaintances whom I do not care for. Those of you who are my true friends and you know who you are, you can still reach me at the better party across the street.
Everyone there is very witty and there are tons of celebrities, not just George Takei. Very good.
Now, I am also very concerned with the privacy at this party. These cameras are recording everything I say and do and it seems that any mouth-breathing troglodyte can see me and ask to be my friend. I know this has been the case since the party began, but I think it's important to bring it up now as I'm leaving to prove that I care more about these issues than you do. Now, some of you may ask why you do not just quietly leave, like a normal person, instead of criticizing this party you're all clearly enjoying.
No, it's because I know that I am a dear, dear friend to you. I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you or hiding from you. I don't want you to think me rude, which is why I am announcing now that I am departing this intellectual wasteland and all the glassy-eyed animals who occupy it. Already my soul feels lighter, thinking about all the time I can devote to myself instead of this rabble of narcissists.
Farewell, my friends and my casual acquaintances. Goodbye, people I kind of knew from high school.
If you ever share my epiphany in the future, you may join me. Join me on the enlightened plane outside.
Farewell! Good news, everyone!
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here.
And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87.
I will be a better person when I finally leave this place. By which I mean better than my former self.
But also better than all of you. Furthermore, I take issue with the people here. Some of you I like well enough, but many of you are passing acquaintances whom I do not care for. Those of you who are my true friends and you know who you are, you can still reach me at the better party across the street.
Everyone there is very witty and there are tons of celebrities, not just George Takei. Very good.
Now, I am also very concerned with the privacy of this party. These cameras are recording everything I say and do. And it seems that any mouth-breathing troglodyte can see me and ask to be my friend.
I know this has been the case since the party began, but I think it's important to bring it up now as I'm leaving to prove that I care more about these issues than you do. Now, some of you may ask why you do not just quietly leave like a normal person instead of criticizing this party you're all clearly enjoying. No, it's because I know that I am a dear, dear friend to you. I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you or hiding from you. I don't want you to think me rude, which is why I am announcing now that I am departing this intellectual wasteland and all the glassy-eyed animals who occupy it. Already my soul feels lighter, thinking about all the time I can devote to myself instead of this rabble of narcissists.
Farewell, my friends and my casual acquaintances. Goodbye, people I kind of knew from high school.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here.
And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_25_7_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The date is Thursday the 25th of July, coming to you as always live from the Baxter Boots studio in downtown Batutah. My name is Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm joined by editor at large Errol Parker.
Sounds revolting. It certainly was, so let's get into it and we'll get the bulletin rolling with some national news. Coles has showcased its new range of zero-use plastics designed specifically to hasten the planet's death. Yeah, I heard those minis were controversially designed to put the planet out of its misery. Those new tiny plastic minis from Coles, which I think is one of the most socially malignant conglomerates. I don't think they serve any purpose. Yes, definitely. And you've got to say that, I mean, producing an array of small plastics is arguably worse for the planet than big ones. You know, you'd much prefer another proton jump bath than you would have these little plastics because obviously they end up getting eaten by turtles and young children.
Yeah, one of our loyal readers, Adam Days, commented on that story saying he's still waiting for his albatross belly display case for his collectible minis. Still anything better than Sam Jensen's ever written, that's for sure. Thanks for commenting, Sam.
Elsewhere around the country now and down in the northern rivers of New South Wales, we wrote a story about an unfortunate event for a young mother. That story was face app glitches after anti-vaxxer parent tries to whack the age filter on her child. Yeah, that new face app is so popular on social media, Wendell. It applies different filters to people's faces, making them look older or younger. And for this young mother, it glitched out because the app couldn't predict what the kid would look like in old age simply because it's not vaccinated, which means it's going to be stiff as a boogie board within 50 years, you know?
Yeah, most definitely.
Obviously you can't really predict that far ahead with these young anti-vaccinated, particularly northern rivers residents. Apparently it's pretty hard to get a vaccination even from a decent doctor down there. Even the doctors are quite anti-vaxxers, so it's amazing the things that affluent white people will put themselves through when they're so bored that they just have nothing to do. Who would have ever thought the northern rivers would become the anti-vaxxer heartland of Australia?
Yeah, I know, because it's such a beautiful part of the world. It's a pity that it's just been ruined by these complete and utter bin humans. What else is in the news today, Wendell? Well, we'll stay in the northern rivers and there was some breaking news on the weekend out of Little Bondi, or Byron Bay as it's known.
Every single musician at Splendour absolutely killed it, confirms Triple J. All of them? Every single one.
What, so that's Wolfmother, The Hill Tops, that came and saved the day after Chance the Rapper didn't show up. Yes. Surprise, surprise. Angus Stein. You know what? Wolfmother, The Hill Tops and Angus Stein, it almost felt like we're in 2006 again.
I hope the youngsters that made their way to Splendour actually could appreciate the good music made by those artists, you know, arguably over 10 years ago. Still seemed to be safe bets, but nevertheless, according to Triple J's Facebook page, they absolutely killed it. They certainly did. Served up plenty of tuna fishes and a bit of bangers and mash as well.
Back home in town now and a city dog visiting the bush was disgusted by the dried dog biscuits she was served this week. Yeah, a young Labrador from Ascot down there on Brisbane's North Shore. Apparently this dog was not impressed by the pedigree beef and onion biccies and she basically refused to eat them. I'm not sure of the dog's name. What was the dog's name, Wendell?
Bella. Bella is reportedly used to eating bacon and poached chicken with a side of brown rice and is currently still on hunger strike while visiting their rural cousins.
Yeah, well it must have been a very slow news week in town for that to make it onto our website and indeed the bulletin. So let's scan down the road a bit, Wendell. Well let's get into sport then and a must see new documentary has been released exploring the wildly held theory that Sam Newman is a c**t. I think a lot of people already knew this, Wendell. I mean, you know there's Sam Newman and of course Bert Newton, they're both c**t. Talking about the final quarter of course which was a documentary released about the Adam Goodes saga which was quite a shameful chapter in Australia's worst football code. The documentary did prove that both Eddie McGuire and the entire Frio fan base and indeed Collingwood fan base were all c**t but none of them were as big a c**t as Sam Newman although some would argue that there's been plenty of documentaries, in fact twenty years, thirty years worth of documentaries airing each week on a Thursday night that would have already exposed Sam Newman as a c**t and that was the AFL footy shot.
Well hopefully this is the last we see of the c**t, Wendell. Yeah, and that's the last you'll hear of the bulletin for this week because that's all I've got here. Thanks again for tuning in, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and join us again next week for your dose of regional news. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. Have a good one you c**t.
I absolutely killed it, confirms Triple J. All of them? Every single one.
What, so that's Wolf Mother, The Hill Tops, that came and saved the day after Chance the Rapper didn't show up. Yes. Surprise, surprise. Angus Stein. You know what? Wolf Mother, The Hill Tops and Angus Stein, it almost felt like we're in 2006 again.
I hope the youngsters that made their way to Splendour actually could appreciate the good music made by those artists, you know, arguably over ten years ago but still seem to be safe bets. But nevertheless, according to Triple J's Facebook page, they absolutely killed it. They certainly did. Served up plenty of tuna fishes and a bit of bangers and mash as well.
Back home in town now and a city dog visiting the bush was disgusted by the dried dog biscuits she was served this week. Yeah, a young Labrador from Ascot down there on Brisbane's North Shore. Apparently this dog was not impressed by the pedigree beef and onion bikis and she basically refused to eat them. I'm not sure of the dog's name. What was the dog's name, Wendell?
Bella. Bella is reportedly used to eating bacon and poached chicken with a side of brown rice and is currently still on hunger strike while visiting their rural cousins.
Yeah, well it must have been a very slow news week in town for that to make it onto our website and indeed the bulletin so let's scan down the road a bit, Wendell. Well let's get into sport then and a must-see new documentary has been released exploring the widely held theory that Sam Newman is a c**t. I think a lot of people already knew this Wendell, I mean you know there's Sam Newman and of course Bert Newton they're both c**t. Talking about the final quarter of course which was a documentary released about the Adam Good saga which was quite a shameful chapter in Australia's worst football code. The documentary did prove that both Eddie Maguire and the entire Frio fanbase and indeed Collingwood fanbase were all c**t but none of them were as big a c**t as Sam Newman although some would argue that there's been plenty of documentaries, in fact 20 years, 30 years worth of documentaries airing each week on a Thursday night that would have already exposed Sam Newman as a c**t and that was the AFL footy show.
Well hopefully this is the last we see of the c**t, Wendell. Yeah and that's the last you'll hear of the bulletin for this week because that's all I've got here. Thanks again for tuning in, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and join us again next week for your dose of regional news. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. Have a good one you c**t. you |
dropout | batsh_t_crazy_acting_teacher | You don't want to be like your father because your father doesn't want to be like you. You won't be able to do that Yankee accent. Fat people are connected to their bodies. Hey I'm French, I'm walking around my fucking pussy hanging out. Good evening class. Today's lesson is about remaining an open vessel. You have to be open to anything happening because anything will happen. An actor will forget his lines. A lighting cue will be missed. An actress will burst into tears for reasons unknown, Angelica. A meatball could fall out of the sky, hit you in your face. If you don't remain an open vessel, you are going to fail as an actor. Let's begin. Everyone's going to tell the circle a very personal secret about yourself. I told my son, my flesh and blood, I told my son I did not love him because my son was a fat fucking retard. There's nothing to write down there, there's nothing for you.
Maybe he wouldn't have taken that knife, pressed his head down all the way down and did it. Slid his whole head down, down deep down all the way through the bones, through the flesh, down everything. I saw it, I stand right there, could have stopped him.
What's your secret? I accidentally killed my gerbil when I was seven. I'm your French restaurant, what's your secret? I dressed up in my system. Who'd want to know? What's your secret?
I was molested when I was ten. I was fucked up.
Who did? Your neighbor, your mother or something? My grandfather. You molested my grandfather? I don't think he should have told me that. Let's kiss him the well he is. Who wants to play zip zap zap?
Sure I have problems.
Personal and professional. Personal. You are on a windmill floating throughout space. That's it, relax. Imagine you are in a field of gently billowing peach trees and relax arm. |
cracked | creed_bratton_s_disturbing_hidden_backstory_you_totally_missed_in_the_office_canonball | Kreed Bratton is a weird guy everything okay? everything's cool dude. played by a weird guy no one really liked me because of the old man's spell all we get from him are bizarre little non sequiturs that are as revealing as they are baffling if I can't scuba then what's this all been about what am I working toward? fan theories abound is he a dark sinister omnipotent force powering the seedy criminal underbelly of Scranton selling weapons-grade drugs to kids or is he just a pathological liar? when I was a teenager I was in an iron lung how old are you? today I'll be collecting some of the breadcrumbs he's dropped on the show in deleted scenes and even in his short-lived blog on NBC's website www.kreedthoughts.gov www.backslashkreedthoughts check it out. I'll then run through three incredibly violent and extremely plausible conspiracy theories about Kreed Bratton this is cannonball. first let's run through the evidence there are three things we know for certain about Kreed's criminal past and present A. we know that Kreed has multiple aliases when Kreed Bratton gets in trouble he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. the most off-sighted fact is that he almost definitely killed a guy in order to assume the identity we've all come to know the last person to do this disappeared his name? Kreed Bratton. that alone is chilling but we know that the identity of Kreed Bratton has actually been recycled at least once in a deleted scene he's confronted by the man who wrote his obituary a decade earlier. you're Kreed Bratton, guitar player for grassroots in the late nineteen sixties indeed. how'd you know that? I wrote your obituary oh that's right. hey good work thank you very much sir. we also know that he has the means to create fake IDs as referenced throughout the series. I run a small fake ID company for my car with a laminated machine that I swipe from the sheriff station and in the blog he ran on NBC's website from 2007 to 2008. he writes apparently there's some punk over at Scranton Prep who does a really good Delaware now even better than my Georgia I'm going to track that kid down and have a talk with him when it comes to novelty identification and lamination I need to be the only game in town. conclusion, Kreed has the means to create a puppet army that allows him to avoid accountability and drift in and out of society as he pleases. and what's more B, we know he has a violent criminal history it's not all white lies and tax fraud. it's also clear that he's been wrapped up in some violent felonies and has spent time in jail you know you're all good great. and is prepared to go back in one scene he's pretty sure he's about to get busted for drug trafficking someone is hiding drugs in this very office another time he clearly implicates himself in a murder sorry I'm late boss what's going on? sir there has been a murder and you are a suspect. okay hang on just a sec let me settle in and I'll be right back very good. in another blog post he says he doesn't trust people who say his name too many times. you know what I mean Kreed? Kreed you're under arrest Kreed. it's not my real name anyway so don't waste your breath and in another deleted scene he reminisces about the toilet line he used to make in prison saying have you ever heard of pruno? it's a wine made from fruit and sugar and ketchup we used to make in the toilets in prison man I miss that stuff. see we know he's well versed in organized crime from his confessional in fun run we know that he knows cults inside and out. I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower you have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader. so maybe he's an experienced enforcer maybe he's well connected and scranton seedy crime ridden underbelly so how does the character realize all of his canonical criminal potential three very plausible theories have emerged. Kreed theory number one he murdered the robbers from season five. way back in the episode crime aid we see Kreed get uncharacteristically protective of the company and its property. nobody steals some kreed brad and gets away with it Redditor ghazali gte suggests that that arc is actually wrapped up four seasons later. in season nine's here comes treble Kreed shows up to the office splattered with blood but is taken aback at the suggestion that he's dressed up for halloween it's halloween that is really really good timing given his history of murder and the possibility that he was either deeply invested in the product that was stolen or deeply indebted to those who were this theory posits that Kreed was covered in blood because he had enacted his revenge on the thieves from crime aid and that brings us to the highest profile criminal in the office extended universe Kreed theory two. Kreed is a scranton co-strangler while the strongest case can be made for Toby there is significant evidence that Kreed is the scranton strangler they got the wrong guy so is Kreed the scranton strangler next question please at first glance it makes perfect sense weird guy criminal past and at the very first mention of the strangler in the delivery Kreed demonstrates that his go-to method of violence is in fact strangulation then there's the hat in work bus Kreed boards the bus wearing a weird old-timey hat that looks reasonably similar to the one supposedly worn by the strangler most compelling of all the real Kreed bratton the one from our universe appears to have come clean on tiktok Kreed theory number three Kreed murdered Ed truck a fan theory proposed by reddit user Orson unwells one says that Dunder Mifflin had Ed truck Michael's old boss murdered yep that's exactly what happened Jan tells Michael that truck had filed an ageism lawsuit against Dunder Mifflin this theory posits the paper company didn't take too kindly to that and often before it could affect their bottom line if that's the case it sure sounds like Dunder Mifflin is mixed up in or maybe run by some kind of organized crime ring which as we've established would mean that Kreed must be at the center of it who informs Michael of truck's cause of death in suspiciously gory detail Ed was decapitated he was drunk as a skunk he was flying down route six he slides under an 18 liter pop it snaps right off as with everything Kreed says it's natural to wonder if he's just making up but writer Jennifer Salata confirmed on the Office Ladies podcast that quote sadly for Ed truck he really did get decapitated and remember Kreed never even existed on the books at Dunder Mifflin I took a desk at the back because it was empty who's to say he isn't some enforcer or the head of a crime family that's deeply invested in the northeastern pennsylvania paper industry Ed truck was threatening his business and he had to take Ed out so there you have it Kreed Bratton isn't a doddering old fool or even an agent of chaos he's a cold calculating supervillain who's responsible for virtually every violent crime in Scranton well there you have it folks that was cannonball like and subscribe for more I'm Kreed Bratton and definitely not in a Scranton strangler |
dropout | hardly_working_blooper_reel | I'm in love. What? Vinny?
Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm really sorry. Cut. Listen, Sarah. This isn't about what happened between us.
Under the waterfall, as the sun rose over the westward hills.
What gives you the right? Nigel! Grossiff! What's the dillio doodle?
Oh my god, I'm sorry, I gotta go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's right, prognosis negative. Probably in the morning.
Some things they don't teach you in med school. Cut. Can our carpenters go back to carpentry school?
Hey, what are you on? No, okay. No, oh buddy, come on. What kind of room are you working on?
This guy tried to put my underpants. He's trying to molest me. No, I would never do that.
What do you think gives you the right? Jesus. Cut. Oh. You guys are, I thought you were pissed. I thought you were legit pissed at him. Yeah, yeah. What? Jesus. Okay.
I'm human, Jordan. Just like you. Just like everybody here. Hey, hey, hey.
This guy was by the craft table before. He had like 20 metric bars, right? Nothing you can tell, he's a chubby fuck right here.
I'm not close to being redundant to you. It's not about that. It's about us and everything we are. And everything that we're not, not, not. I said not, but I should have. I'm the idiot. I'm sorry. Let's not get into that.
What do you think gives you the right? So what's my line again, bros? You don't have a right. I can't. You fucking no good boom dropping slate holding piece of shit fucking scam. Where do you think you're going? I'm in a union.
Oh, oh really? Well, I'm Jimmy Hoffa. You know what?
I'm done with this piece of shit. Get him. This man has an erection.
I want to go to Flanagan's. Sure. Wait, it's Bennegan's? Flanagan's. Which one is it? I didn't have them in my chance. Is it Flanagan's or Bennegan's? |
cracked | must_watch_insane_film_genres_yboc_luchadores_crustacean_sports | Guys, I'm so excited to let you know that this episode, literally the episode that I'm editing right now, is being sponsored by NordVPN, which means that if you go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC, you can actually get 70% off a three year deal, which means it's only $3.49 per month. And if you type in the code YBOC to check out, you get another month for free. Oh, hey there nerds. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and I insert a joke about my name or my life here. I'll just do it in post.
Oh, yeah, in high school I was forced to wrestle a girl and it was way less magical and way more sweaty than my dad said it would be. Poignant. Anyway, you're watching your brain on crack. The show is still committed to the doctor thing, even as the fourth wall crumbles in front of me. And the only shawl cracked with a very loose format. Today I introduce...
We've come a long way since the early genres of classic film, which were basically watch me electrocute this elephant and oh shit, a train? Now we have all kinds of stuff from biopics to young adult sci-fi to Liam Neeson and oh shit, a train? With so many genres flooding the market, it's easy to miss the real crazy stuff.
But the good news is that unlike you, nothing gets by me because I'm an actual doctor and I have a lot of free time.
In the same way that American Hollywood continually cast Rock the Dwayne Johnson, Mexico produced a horde of films starring their own famous wrestlers. So yeah, I'm talking about Luchadors just throwing down against every conceivable otherworldly threat from aliens to extremely not-safe-for-work vampires to... whatever the hell this is. The most famous film like Luchador, El Santo, personally starred in nearly 50 films that inexplicably required an overweight man in a mask to get in there and save everybody. One such film, Champions of Justice, is a sordid tale about an evil doctor who builds a machine that turns regular little people into super strong wrestling little people. And to stop this horrifying development, obviously they had to get five Luchadors together to just get the crap beaten out of them by dwarves. In Santo Conserelle Cerebro del Mal, Santo is brainwashed into an unwilling minion of Dr. Compost. I think Hawkeye and Avengers, but, you know, if he actually bothered to wear a mask. And to break the curse, another Luchador pounds Santo in the face until his brain is no longer Malo, and then together they go kill a bunch of gangsters. This is what's known as the perfect script. Then, in a decidedly sexy turn for the genre, the movie Apparacion 67 capitalizes on James Bond's popularity by recasting the suave British spy as a masked Mexican wrestler. And the hero never removes the signature silver mask because, quote, doing so would shame all other men. Oh yeah, and there's also Neutron the atomic Superman versus the death robots, which you wouldn't think of, but it's kind of layers. It's just stacked. I'm just a man who believes in the triumph of justice and who goes after it in a rather unorthodox way. Eventually, the Luchadors had conquered all evil in the known galaxy, and the genre just kind of petered out. Also, I guess nobody wanted to watch El Santo versus weakening eyesight in the doctor who says you should probably stop clotheslining people for the sake of his aging heart.
For decades, Uganda was ruled by the vicious Idi Amin. The Ugandan film industry, Wakaliwood, deals with this horrific past directly in their films. According to Ugandan director Isaac Nabwana, being that Idi Amin killed people, we also have to kill people to rub off that bad image.
That doesn't sound right, but ooh, explosions! A few years ago, Wakaliwood gained some internet infamy with the viral hit Who Killed Captain Alex and its hilariously low-quality CGI. That was just the start. In another movie, self-proclaimed Ebola hunters try to stomp out Ebola in the developing world by shooting and kicking things to death. What? What was that called?
Oh, that's right, thank you. No, no, I get it, I get it. Okay, I'm moving on!
Then there's another movie that claims to be the Ugandan Expendables, but honestly, compared to Stallone's version, it's kind of... way better. The movies are all insane, obviously, but what's truly refreshing about Wakaliwood is how nobody is under the impression that they're making high art, they just want to make action movies. Arguably the best part is how when these movies are shown in Ugandan theaters, they're often presented by a video jockey, and this MC talks over the entire movie yelling things like, quote, now expect the unexpectable, and action is coming, I promise you, which I'm pretty sure are both taglines for the upcoming Snyder Cut. Every showing is basically this live Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode wherein the audience and MC are riffing on a film that was only ever intended to be riffed on. It's basically a genre Taylor made for you and your stone friends who love to yell over absurd films in your mom's basement. It's perfect. And they've got a Patreon you should absolutely support because unlike a typical Hollywood production that uses audience money to pay for sexual harassment lawyers, money donated to Wakaliwood covers stuff like an Adobe Premiere license and freaking electricity. And besides, how many Marvel movies feature a post-crucifixion Jesus with a rocket launcher?
There is an embarrassingly long section of American entertainment history where Native Americans were only ever seen as savage villains. Also, real history. Eventually, movies became more sympathetic, but there was this weird period in between where filmmakers realized they'd overworked the natives or evil angle, but directors still couldn't imagine one like working at a restaurant or shopping at Whole Foods because, you know, they're always wearing war paint and having ornamental headdresses, right? Anyway, that confusion birthed a new genre called redsploitation. Now, your typical redsploitation film features white people portraying Indians killing white people portraying white people, and usually an abused Native American protagonist gets revenge with endless scalping and tomahawking in the goriest, most stomach-turning ways possible. It's basically in glorious bastards, but without all that subtlety.
For example, in the not-quite-classic Thunder Warrior trilogy, the titular Thunder returns home from a long absence only to discover that construction workers are tearing up his ancestral burial ground to build an observatory because, you know, how astronomers are always being so culturally insensitive. The construction going on there is illegal and sacrilegious. Thunder tries to defuse the situation with words, but the construction workers just laugh him off.
So instead, he just breaks into a store, walks right past the guns, grabs a big-ass crossbow, and murders everybody for three straight movies. Like Rambo, but, you know, better hair. In scalps, a group of archaeology students go zigging around in obviously Indian burial grounds because where else would you dig? And a student gets possessed by a murderous spirit named Black Claw. But the genre's apex arrived with the Billy Jack movies, which stars a very white Tom Laughlin as a half-Native American, Vietnam-fed, hapikido expert who also happens to be a pacifist.
You know what I think I'm gonna do then? Just for the hell of it. Tell me. I'm gonna take this right foot, and I'm gonna walk you.
Well, okay, so apparently Billy Jack is about as much pacifist as he is a Native American. This ludicrous genre died out sometime in the 90s when everyone outside of Cleveland, Washington, D.C. and Stephen Seagal's entourage finally acknowledged, yeah, Native Americans probably aren't all mystical warriors secretly hoping to get revenge on small town America.
Oh god, what the hell is that? I'm outta there, guys!
Yeah, so a few years ago, a guy with hands named Guy Hands made a real movie called Crust about a probably not real shrimp who took up boxing. Now, the whole thing was this insane attempt to create a movie that would intentionally fail so that he could recover the money in a tax-appointed tax relief scheme, a la The Producers, and the movie did fail, but it did also become a sensation in Japan because of course it did. And as such, several spin-off sea life sports films came out like The Kalamari Wrestler and Crab Goalkeeper, which is probably something that David Becker would catch on a work trip. And they're all kinda airbud with a man in a massive crustacean outfit instead of a real dog, and it's hard to find a ton of info on this genre because I live in stupid America where nobody dresses up like sea creatures anymore.
But if you find anything, please tell me about it, because I must see more for my science. Yeah, so if somebody wanted to do more research on these sea life sports films, the best way to do it would definitely be with a NordVPN account. All I had to do was download the app from the Mac Store, install it, pick a country of origin, connect to one of NordVPN's thousands of super-fast servers spread out all over the globe, and voila! All of a sudden, I'm searching Netflix Japan for that real weird stuff I can't get in the States. And even better, while researching this video, I kept noticing different countries have all sorts of extra shows and additional seasons of stuff, like Fargo, Rick and Morty Atlanta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. My wife and I don't have cable, and since we're quarantined, we're ripping through content at an incredible rate, and we finally caught up on Better Call Saul, but we were sad to see that Season 5 wouldn't be out on Netflix for a full year. We actually considered buying it on Amazon like a couple of Neanderthals, but with NordVPN, it's right there! Like, look at it! I can click it, and watch Saul Goodman make a mess of our legal system. And all of this is for so much cheaper than forking over a bunch of money to own a show that I don't have the emotional stamina to watch more than once, and all you gotta do is go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC to start your Better Call Saul tentacle fantasies today. And even better, all of this is backed by a top cybersecurity firm, and they don't track what you do, so the tentacle stuff can be between you and Baba and Kirk, and the squid.
Okay, I don't feel great. Let's just, uh, let's bring her home. Uh, yeah, discuss what Michael Jordan would probably look like as a dead guy, suddenly laid the foundations for Nacho Libre 2, and I've confirmed that I ate way too much sushi earlier, so I think that's it. Make sure to check with Kathy on your way out for some drugs for your tangentially related disease goes here.
Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap! You got Zivolus! Whoa! Get back to Sustula!
Hey guys, here I am at the Grand Canyon. Wow, it looks just like in the movies, the moving pictures. Please subscribe, and then maybe I'll take you to this place. Wouldn't that be something? |
cracked | how_to_flee_the_country_from_a_fugitive_still_on_the_run | If you had to disappear for some reason, could you do it? Think of how many government and private databases hold your information, how many ways you're being tracked. I mean, hell, your earbuds probably remember just how many times you ate fast food and how long and loudly you evacuated your bowels after. Think of all the cameras out there, all the people with phones able to spot you.
Well, I managed to do it. I was charged with a crime and then I vanished. I was the office manager at a large company and was the guy who made the purchases. Then the company realized it had paid out tens of thousands of dollars for stuff it didn't technically need and never technically received, which they seemed to think was a problem. Even worse, they had one obvious suspect, me.
If this goes to trial, you could be looking at prison. A lot of prison, like a butt ton of prison. Okay, but maybe they won't find me guilty at all, you know, because I didn't actually do it and I actually reported the discrepancy when I saw it. Well, sure, except the not received stuff was ordered on your account. The evidence is against you. Your choice is going to trial and receiving a butt ton of jail or letting me cut a deal so you can have a butt few hundred pounds of jail.
I didn't understand that metaphor, so I chose a third option. I decided to literally flee the country like Thelma and or Louise. I told my wife, thinking maybe I could come back later and see her and my kid once the heat died down, and then I wrote her a fake suicide note. As in, she knew it was fake, but I was hoping that the cops wouldn't. Then I set about forging a fake identity.
This part was easier than I thought. Social security card, that was just a matter of applying for a replacement card for someone the same age and race as me but who lived in Florida. My new state ID, I got that from Georgia. I probably shouldn't walk you through every step, but it was really just a matter of photoshopping the right documents. See, a graphic design degree does have its uses, mom.
But yeah, then poof. All of a sudden, I had everything I needed to function as a completely different person. Well, not everything.
I still needed money, and I'll admit that I went a little nuts at this point. Technically, I wasn't planning to rob a bank for money to live off of. I just needed some to leave behind to help sell my fake suicide. Of course, I wound up wanted by the FBI so the fake suicide didn't fool anyone, but the bank robbery, that worked. To prepare, I drove past a bunch of different banks and checked them against tips I got from the world's most reliable bank robbing source, the internet.
Standalone bank with a 200 yard sprint between me and my car? No, that's no good. A bank that's part of a strip mall? That's a safer target.
Do the robbery when the place is filled with customers, said the internet. Do it when most people in the place aren't looking at you, said the internet.
Good enough for me. Smile. This is what you were trained for. No alarms, no dye packs, and everyone gets to see their children tonight. Smile. Count out all the 50s and 100s in front of me. Smile. It's insured. Calm, yet quick.
Don't want me here for long, I promise. Do you want an envelope for that? No, thanks.
This might sound like the wildest part of my story, but it's actually the most documented. Security caught my photo, and reporters stuck it in the newspaper, along with my real name and a description of my presumed office theft.
Yeah, I was now a wanted bank robber, but it only took three minutes for me to cross state lines. I later ditched the rental car and left the $6,000 haul in it, just like my suicide note said I would. Next, it was time to flee even further. After some months staying in hotels under fake names, I headed to Mexico, not because it's some lawless land anyone can disappear into, because it's cheap. I'd been freelancing online, and that would go a lot further if I lived where the cost of living was low. So I hopped on a Greyhound and headed south.
Then I walked across the international bridge and over the Rio Grande. They didn't even check my ID. I spent months down there, illegally, because I was supposed to fill out a tourist car, but never did, but then 2016 happened, and the political climate became, let's say, less favorable towards people crossing the border. I figured if I ever wanted to come back, I better hurry up now before it got a lot harder. Maybe I could've walked right across the border the way I came with my fake ID, but what if they ran it and checked up on me? I couldn't chance it. It had to be an unofficial crossing.
So here's what we do. You wear your backpack full of your stuff, we tie a rope around you under your arms, you shimmy up a light pole under the top of a pedestrian bridge, then once you're up, you jump down on a fence blocking the pedestrian sidewalk. On the count of three, you jump over the wire sensors for jumpers, and then you're good. Holy shit, is that my only option? With your freelance money? Yeah. So that's what I did.
We waited five hours for a train to block agents' view of the bridge, then I went through with it. Got on that bridge, jumped off it, lost the rope, and- What? We got a jumper. I left my girlfriend at the bus stop, and I'm running late now.
Do you have ID? Of course. For Pete's sake, I was born in America, which is where I also graduated high school. You think I'm not a citizen? I fought in the army, damn it.
Yeah, you're gonna have to stay here for a sec. But he talked to his supervisor, who said those magic words, you're free to go.
I was telling the truth about where I was born and being in the army, by the way, and I showed my actual ID, not the fake, because who knows what a fake could get me charged with here. Ha, I'm pretty selective about which crimes I commit. So that brings me to now. Back in the U.S. and with no sign that I'm about to be apprehended anytime soon, I mostly hang out and drink in the immigrant parts of town. People affectionately call me gringo mojado, basically white, illegal immigrant. Finding a place to stay was as easy as having 400 bucks in hand and wandering near a kitchen at a local restaurant. The authorities probably could have found me by now if they really wanted.
I mean, I've been using my original bank account all these years, because that's the only way the freelance site would pay me, and I used my own debit card when in Mexico. This spring, I even filed my taxes under my real name.
Again, I'm a picky crime doer. Honestly, maybe the cops realized that in most cases, they can simply sit tight and wait for the fugitive to pop up again. How many people can permanently scrap everything they love at a moment's notice?
My original plan to reunite with my family was ridiculous in retrospect. I tried calling my wife once I was back in the country, but she'd changed her number, didn't reply to my emails, and according to the never-wrong internet, I see that she filed for divorce and sold the house. Sometimes I think I'll turn myself in and attempt to plea, and then try to see my son after he turns 18, or maybe I'll end up heading back to Mexico or Central America. So, yeah, probably better to go ahead and take your chances at a trial, kids. |
SaturdayNightLive | babe_ruth_s_ghost_saturday_night_live | Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and advance to the World Series. for the first time since 1986, they're already up one game in the World Series, which raises the question, is the curse of the Bambino over? Mm.
What is that? What is that? sounds like a scary ghost or something. I'm scared, Tina. that's a terrifying ghost.
Mm. mm. Oh! oh! mm.
What are you talking about, Lady? I curse the hell out of them. good for nothing, Red Sox. Yeah. what? What about that game? that 19-8 game? Yeah, I tried to mess up Shilling's ankle, blood coming out of his sock, and everything. hey, you know what?
I also gave Johnny Damon that lady's haircut.
All right, But those first two games, what about Game four? Where were you in? Game four? Well, you know what? Game four looked like the game was in the bag.
So, you know, I left. me, Mickey Mantle, and Rodney Dangerfield who went and got a few beers. And then I entered a ghost hot dog eating contest. And I passed out.
You passed out for Game four? Game four, five, six, and seven.
So you only had a few beers? is that what you're saying? And some gasoline. you drank gasoline? Yeah, and some horse tranquilizers. Listen, it's not the new. one time I passed out for the whole season, and I still hit 40 homers.
Wait, this is left-handed. this is Lulu. she's my ghost hooker. And Beano. Woo!
I'm putting nothing. this is your ghost hooker. So you're telling me you were at a ghost hot dog eating contest with Rodney Dangerfield. Ghost, and a ghost hooker when you should have been cursing the Red Sox. Did you know, babe, you can eat over 1,000 ghost hot dogs in one sitting?
This is this little sweet gal here. she's the sweetest hooker in heaven. And you know what? In Heaven, all the ladies in my heaven are hookers. So, I mean, that's really saying something. that's my guy! the ghost of Babe Ruth and the ghost of Babe Ruth Hooker, Everyone. Woo! |
TheOnion | Scientist_Explains_How_Climate_Crisis_Would_Be_Averted_If_Greta_Thunberg_Just_Tried_A_Little_Harder | Climate change is here now, floods, droughts, once in a century storms. And the frustrating part for me as a climatologist is that this could all have been avoided. Scientific consensus is clear. There is a way to reverse course. And that is for Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg to try a little harder. People get caught up in altering their personal habits by driving less or eating less meat. But the reality is this is all in Greta's hands. She could give our children an inhabitable Earth instead of a scorched hellscape if she just cared 30 to 40% more about the fate of our planet.
But she doesn't. I guess because she's lazy.
Sure, she rode that yacht across the Atlantic to raise awareness about the environment, but that only took like two weeks. I mean, come on, Greta. Our research shows you could be sailing that yacht 24-7, 365 days a year.
What the fuck? Do you hate the Earth?
Indeed, if you look at a chart of CO2 emissions in the years since Greta's birth in 2003, the problem of fossil fuels has only risen. Frankly, it's possible she wants us all to die. Still, we should all hope that one day Greta starts actually making an effort, like a real effort, not whatever the hell she's doing now or else the blood of millions lost to a climate apocalypse could be entirely on her hands. |
dropout | Every_Terrible_Thing_Trump_Has_Done_As_President | And now, every terrible thing Trump has done as President!
Except not all of them because we didn't have enough time to put them in a single video!
He dealt like Corona went to Oklahoma to hold super-spatter events With hell-COVID money he said it'd be funny to be a midterm president Adam much for opposing the client he's proposing There were good folks on both sides Children held separately, masses directed him, he's evidence of genocide He said, lit his trees and lived during his speeches, the audience hold their applause Repeatedly violates terms of the Hatch Act as well as the emoluments clause Consistently caters to world dictators who slaughter minority groups Or murder reporters who put out an order for bounties on USA troops Tried to ban immigration by looking at nations where plenty of Muslims reside And if you'd take notice of statements from voters who find twenty thousand are lies His for-profit college did problem his knowledge, his charity paid his expenses He banned service members if they were transgender and frequently fucked with the census He's suing Nevada and other states that had a system of mail-in votes Attacking democracy, perfect hypocrisy, Donald is voting remote He's been killed in a neutrality, fought the legality of letting Dreamers remain Of course the impeachment he faced for beseechment If quit for a quote with Ukraine, he'd try to scale back the Affordable Care Act While COVID remains uncontained And there's no dispute and collusion with Putin was part of his early campaign Twenty-six women in Babylka given accounts of misconducts of sex He hobbled the EPA and the USDA, NASA and USPS He pulled out of Paris and leveled more tariffs Retweeted a hate group from Britain Assaulted protesters and lauded molesters While keeping his tax returns hidden He dodged testimony and pardoned his cronies He never accepts any blame Protected confederates, multiplied deficits Racist and prejudiced, not multi-feminist Greedy, immoral, corrupt, and deplorable Fascist and national shame |
dropout | the_gross_smoothie_game_show | Hi, I'm Mike Trapp. Welcome to Smoothie of Death!
Today we think of ketchup as a tomato product. But people in Europe and Asia were making ketchup long before they discovered tomatoes in the Americas. What food was ketchup originally made of?
Zach, I think you were first. Uh, Chili's? No, the answer is not Chili's. Emily.
Anchovies. Anchovies is correct! Yes! That means you don't have to add anchovies to your blender, but Zach and Pat do.
What food smells so repugnant that it is illegal to consume in public places in Singapore? It's gonna sound like a really dumb guess, but is it parmesan cheese? Nanny? And I know it's, I already know it's wrong. Cockroaches. The answer is durian fruit. No! Durian fruit, sometimes called the king of fruit. Travel writer Richard Sterling described the smell as pick shit, turpentine, and onions garnished with a gym sock. Oh my god. What beverage once contained lithium, a substance now used to treat bipolar disorder? Coca-Cola? Milk. Zach, what do you think the answer is? Say cockroaches again. I feel very dumb for saying that. Uh, sarsaparilla.
Pat and Zach, you're on the right track. The answer is 7-Up. 7-Up was originally called bib-label lithiated lemon-lime soda and it was marketed as a hangover cubicle. Oh, I can see the chunks of anchovy. Moving right along.
Castorium is a yellowish liquid exuded out of a beaver's anal glands. It is also used as a substitute for what flavor? Vanilla? Vanilla is correct. Oh, ew! How did you get that? So you've just heard that somewhere, I don't know. Zach, you've dodged the bullet of adding vanilla to your smoothie. Yes!
On January 15th, 1919, 21 people died and 150 people were injured in Boston when what flooded the city?
Molasses. Molasses is correct.
Yours actually is not that bad right now. Mine is disgusting.
In 1957, the BBC aired an April Fool's joke that convinced a number of people that what food grows on trees? Carrots? potatoes. Cotton candy. That is incorrect. The correct answer is spaghetti. The BBC aired footage of women in Italy plucking spaghetti off of a tree and laying it in the sun to dry. I'm legit regretting my participation in this. We are now tied one to one to one, which means that anyone who answers this question correct will take the lead and the win and not have to drink their smoothie. In the movie The Exorcist, what food was used as a substitute for vomit in the projectile vomiting scene?
Pea soup. Pat that is correct is pea soup.
I knew fucking a second you said a film thing that Pat was going to get it. It's bullshit. Do my interest.
So our game is over. We have one first place winner that is Pat Castles. Pat has been spared the smoothie of death. I'm humbled. Zach and Emily have our two second place smoothies. Emily avoiding sardines. Zach avoiding vanilla. Pat, how are you feeling as our winner?
I'm feeling the hatred coming from them. I don't blame them.
Cheers. All right. It's funny how you were saying it's not that and from my angle right behind her Zach was like... Zach does have anchovies. Yeah, yeah. How are you doing over there Zach?
Just shocked myself. Well that is our game. Pat is our winner. Join us next time on Smoothie of Death if the other writers don't kill me before that happens. If you click like right here you can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person. Whoa.
Let me down. |
cracked | 700k_subscribers_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with a celebratory. The Cracked YouTube channel just hit 700,000 subscribers. And we are partying our butts off. Normally when a website has something awesome happen, they just sit back and let the money roll in. But I want to do something special, which is why I'm going to give this crack dispensary t-shirt to the 700,000th subscriber to our channel. And since I've got access to our advanced analytics here, I can announce that the lucky 700,000th fan is Hugs and Loves 696969. Okay, congratulations.
You are a spam bot. Guys, this is very common to the big accounts. You will get some big followers. The t-shirt's still in play. The subscriber before that is Puss Puss in my puss. So, same picture, pretty fake. The internet's funny.
The next, next subscriber is HotPixnow51. Hocus PokeMate. Bimbo Bazingo. Hot Hot Hot Me Want It.
JasmineCams.cool. JasmineCams.pizza. JasmineCams.democrat.
We will do this all night if, I mean, I guess, I guess, I guess we'll do this all night. Teens in a state of undress. Soarin' boobies. Sugar Tits with a Z that written out.
Hey!
Subscriber number. Thank you for being a fan, a real fan, a human being, who can be advertised to. Bye! Guys, if you want to prove you're real, like me or... or this tree behind me, write me at newguyweekly at gmail.com. I want to thank Mr. Superba Frango for sending me the weirdest thing I've ever received. I put it on my blog if you want to see it. Also, I want to thank Alexis Sombrano for being a Twitter friend. I want to thank Leah Hope Art for an amazing fan comic, and I want to thank Star Hodge for an after-hours Easter egg involving me and a couple pals. |
cracked | why_the_scooby_doo_mystery_team_is_terrible_at_mysteries | Yes, okay. We did it, gang. The trap worked.
Now I think it's time to find out who the carnival ghost really is. What?! Jankers! I don't believe it.
It's an old man. It's just an old man, you guys.
Not good. So this whole time the ghost that was haunting the abandoned carnival was really just a creepy old man!
Yeah! And like, you would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for us! Well, let's split, gang. Who wants malts? Yeah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Everybody freeze! Hands in the air! Let me see them. Jesus!
Glad you're here, officers. Although I think you'll find your job is already done.
You think it's a policeman's job to tie homeless people to chairs? Homeless?
Yeah. Usually he stays at first Presbyterian, but his mind's going these days. Are you okay, Herman? I... where haven't you just... hit me? It's okay. Alright, buddy. We'll get you back to the shelter soon. Wow. Sorry, officers. Yeah!
Like, we thought he was the carnival ghost!
You what? You fucking what?
Well, we stumbled across this old abandoned carnival and... And it was making all sorts of spooky noises with doors closing and opening. Yeah, and it seemed as if something was trying to scare people off. Or as if a senile old homeless man was squatting in an abandoned carnival. So you heard a door open and your first thought was, ghost. That was your knee-jerk reaction.
Well, he was wearing a thing. A thing?
What about my partner? My partner's wearing lots of things. But before you stake him through the heart, you should know that he's actually a secret human being police officer. It was covering most of...
What?
Say it again, punk. I'm just dying to find you for obstruction right now. Listen, officer.
We didn't think he was really a ghost. You see, I deduced that it was someone pretending to be a ghost.
You deduced. You fucking deduced. Good. You deduced that ghosts aren't real. You must be the brains. Yes, actually. That's it. I'll brighten you guys up right now.
A lot of ropes here, a lot of chains. This is some kind of elaborate man-sized trap. He's trapping people down here. We thought he was terrorizing the place.
What were we supposed to do? Call the police. Well, we're the mystery squad. What the hell is this? Some kind of gang? You kids a gang? Tool around in a van? Pulling shit like this? We go around solving mysteries. Sometimes they're old men, and sometimes... What? They're a ghost?
From now on, if you see something suspicious, like, oh, I don't know, a sad, old, confused man moaning to himself? Even if you think it's a ghost, call the police. Which, by the way, were you even planning to? Well, his mystery's over, so we were just going to go to the next...
Poor Herman, tied to a chair to die of exposure? Sick.
Okay, I know. I don't even know what kind of paperwork I need for this. Are there any more of you around? I don't want to fall into a giant net or something.
Well, there is a dog that was with us. Yeah! Like, we left him in the van in case we need to make a quick getaway. The van that's idling outside. There's a dog in there? Better a dog.
Oh, man! Oh, God!
We can call that murderer. This is my third strike! Action. Before you stab him through the heart, you should know he's not a secret police officer. We can call that animal cruelty, right?
Where are you? Okay. Give me a kiss. We can call that murder, right? Where are you? Okay.
You see, I deduced that it was someone pretending to be a ghost. Oh, you, you desused! I did. What? That's not a word. I deduced.
Shut up! Hit me! You can't! Please let me pick up my weed, man! Shut the fuck up.
That's when they fell apart. And that's when the boss fell out. |
dropout | marpac_competitive_sleeping_league | Hello everyone, I am Alex Papacostas and this is Chip Fletcher. You think you're a strong sleeper? Well think again.
The world's best aren't gathering cars since it in Vada for the 2018 competitive Sleeping League Championships, sponsored by Marpad. And they're all competing for the title of world's best sleeper. That's right, so fluff up those pillows, set those alarm clocks because we're snuggling up for a doozy. All right contestants, sleep on! Now all these sleep leads are armed with their Marpac domes and their Marpac yoga beds to fend off this tense and exciting atmosphere. And just like that, these sleep leads punch their ticket on the sleepy time train to Dreamland.
Kimberly Brown has gotten off to an incredibly fast start, she's drooling on her pillow. You know Kimberly has a B minus in college algebra but she's got an A plus in ruining a pillow case.
And here we see Ulrich changing positions with his patented Icelandic flair. Icelandic legend says gnomes will come kiss your feet in the middle of the night. Look at her go, the form is extraordinary.
Yeah, I mean that is just textbook sleeping right there. Oh yeah. That's an exquisite move. They are operating right on the razor's edge of human possibility. I thought I knew how to sleep. These guys can sleep! Oh, oh, hold on.
And then in hour five, an even bigger surprise, baby Erika McPherson wakes up. Mom Patty says Erika's dealing with an injury. She's teething. Honestly, she really didn't even wake up, she just went right back out, you know. The bow has broken and down comes baby, cradle and all.
We are now in hour six and Andy Wolfman's looking quite strong. The horse got out again, Ma! Why did he say something about a horse? The contestant remained unconscious throughout the manoeuvre. I have never seen anything like this in all my years. Andy Wolfman never woke up, he was just talking in his sleep. It was a controversial call, but Wildman is still in.
Looks like it's trouble in Icelandic paradise. Ulrich has had a nightmare, we're learning now that it was Krampus related, brought on by jet lag.
And then there were two. Wildman Brown, two titans of the sport. We're at 7 hours and 30 minutes, Kimberly seems to be fading. And she just wakes up on her own, totally refreshed, but totally eliminated. Oh my God, just like that, Wildman's the winner! I can't believe it. Andy Wildman is our 2018 competitive sleeping league champion, and that closes the door on another incredible sleep year. I'm Alex Papakostas with Chip Fletcher, thanks for watching, and always rise and shine.
Sleepy hats. And hey, if you guys at home want to sleep like our new champion, head over to Marpac.com and you could win your very own Marpac domain. Does it feel weird to you to just watch people sleep? You know, if I'm being honest, it's kind of why I signed up for this job. Okay. |
cracked | horton_mccartney_mccain_neverland_news_3_17_08 | It's Monday, March 17, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm here to remind you of the mess you made when you went away. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' ongoing divorce battle is wrapping up. It looks like it'll be costing poor Paul an arm and Heather's other leg.
Over the weekend, Horton Here's A Who earned more than $45 million at the box office. That's the biggest weekend haul of any new movie so far this year.
But I really think we should all acknowledge the elephant in the room. He's right over there. Michael Jackson has worked out a confidential agreement to retain ownership of his Neverland Ranch. You want to know what that confidential agreement was? Can you keep a secret? So can I! Okay, he had to stop boning boys, I'm guessing. But Michael, you know it, buddy. I am all man. Call me. And finally, John McCain and a few other senators made an unannounced visit to Iraq over the weekend. While there, they screwed a bunch of hookers. Don't tell anyone.
That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode. I'm Lex Friedman, and this is the News On Cracked. |
dropout | start_up_guys_at_internet_week_hardly_working | Sambo? Sambo! Oh no. Sambo, thank you! Haha! Sambo!
What's hi? Hi, I'm just using the... No need to explain further, actually Hunter and I were just looking for a friendly toilet after last week's intense round of Internet Week parties.
Oh, very, very intense. Kicked it off Monday night at Prometheus with a party like it's 1999. Shindig, Frank and Munis spit in the valley's mouth. Then everyone invested in Pets.com and lost all their money. After that, we rolled over to the launch for Mark Zuckerberg's new vodka and good units.
You've been to good units? Have you been to good units? Great pace, Sam, good units.
Great space, great space. Mark Zuckerberg is a vodka? Oh yeah, it's called Zuck Vodka with no C. It actually made one of the shock girls go blind, so there's a huge lawsuit pending. You made it over to Blamer's brunch crush party at Del Posto? Is that a question? I need mile-long PB&J bar with all-you-can-drink grapefruit overdrives. Crazy thing though, Tom Colicchio got a fistfight with Mario Batali after accusing one another of clogging the bathroom in front of Ariane Huffington.
Norah Jones did a two-minute set of released popular songs, namely If I Were a Painter. Then we rolled over to the Highline Ballroom for that Mumford show. I mean Mumford and Sons.
He couldn't afford that. It's a kid named Mumford. He's blind, albino, autistic. And Sickle's telling Emio, he's from Indiana, some kind of make-a-wish thing.
He didn't show up because he has something to do with a brand marrow. But T-Pain did a two-hour set, and we didn't get him. It was great. We didn't get him.
And now Wednesday, Sticky Bean Media did an all-you-can-eat cereal bar at SoHo House. Non-organic milk. Every single cereal from around the world. Every cereal from around the world.
Everyone. Captain Crotch. Tricks. That's it. You only said two, cereal. Aaron Kostak, the world's best ice sculptor. He showed up. That's interesting. What did he carve? Nothing. But Bob Parsons, CEO of GoDaddy, did show up wearing the tusks and hide at the latest problem elephant shop. So that was a tight party until Kevin Rose slipped on some Prosecco and knocked out all of his front teeth. Jesus.
Hey guys, best and worst internet week moment. Sambo, go. I know. I didn't go. I'm just saying David carved and kicked out of the Webby Tom ball at Marquis for flipping up iJustine's skirt. He flipped the fuck out, jumped on a bike from the Neistat brothers and broke the ham and created a tumbler. PhonicSonic.com is all based party at Lotus. Drew Curtis was forced to eat a plate full of boogers in the VIP lounge to secure an additional two million funding from Sequoia Capital. Party started at 2 o'clock, was raging, ended at 2.15. Look at it. Worse with it? Sambo Storm's pirate photo booth party.
Not great.
Here's the raisin. The raisin? Where they should have had a mashed potato martini bar they had a mashed patina martino bar.
Which doesn't make any sense. No sense.
Wow, hey. Sounds like you guys had a crazy week. Anyway, I'm going to finish it. Yeah, thanks for asking. Actually, last night was a pretty sobering moment for the both of us. A lot of our girlfriends, Shell and Liz. But we each have a volatile relationship towards women and alcohol only heightens that. It's a strange lease of work.
Basically what happened is Brody told Shell he accidentally gave her HPV. She flips out, starts flirting with a higher up at Kirstenbab. So Brody flips the fuck out. Throws an Asian creative director from Zalgo into a class staircase. The thumping house music was so loud that Hunter miscommunicated to lens that he needed to get her TV. And she actually heard you gave me HPV. So she threw her stowly-rousing soda in his face. He freaked the fuck out, called her 91 times on his iPhone 4, lost his voice, got blackout junk.
Anything else? We done? Are we done? Talking.
Have you ever given your ass? Have you given your ass? Have you given your talent to the hundreds of those fans?
You grabbed that. Graspass.
I'm ready to have some time. Yeah, I need to have some TV too. |
TheOnion | a_v_club_inventory_protested_movies | Today we're here to talk about protested movies, movies that were so controversial that people took to the streets with their picket signs and protested against them. My movie is The Last Temptation of Christ. The most blasphemous, the most disrespectful, the most satanic movie that's ever been filmed. The title refers to this sequence where Christ is on the cross and he is tempted to give up the sacrifice and live a real life as a human being.
I don't ask to be sacrificed. No, no you don't.
The real controversial thing was that he makes love to Mary Magdalene. We can have a chat. There are protests happening wherever it was shown. It's filthy, indecent, and it will ruin Jewish-Christian relations for years to come. The religious right was on the rise, this was 1988, and they found this kind of cause to rally behind.
They put a tremendous amount of pressure on the studio to bury the film, which they ultimately had to do. It was actually legitimately hard to see the movie if you wanted to.
You think God belongs only to you?
I think the movie is a profoundly respectful film and not at all this piece of filth that people had presumed it to be. Many people who have not even seen it. I remember watching an interview with Squareseze in which he said his own priest in childhood watched the movie and told him that it was a too much Good Friday, not enough Easter Sunday. Which is interesting in the light years later of Bill Gibson's Passion of the Christ, which of course is all Good Friday, and yet was embraced by the evangelical community in a way that this other movie was not. Noel, you have a different kind of protest movie. Yes, my movie is Silent Night, Deadly Night, which came out in 1984.
Grandpa said Santa Claus was going to punish me. The plot's about a young kid named Billy who watches his family get killed in front of his eyes by a man wearing a Santa Claus suit. Need a ride, Santa Claus?
Oh, no, not exactly. Jump! Which is naturally a recipe for him later on in life putting on a Santa Claus suit. Try not to scare the little bastards. Grabbing an axe and going after the naughty. Die! Punish!
Parents didn't like the fact that the advertising for these movies were all over television. The movie that shocked America. And when you have a movie like Silent Night, Deadly Night, that means your kids are being exposed to an axe-wielding Santa Claus in the middle of the day. Their protests were actually very, very effective. The company that was distributing the film actually pulled the film from theater chains and took their name off of it. Siskel and Ebert gave a scathing review on the air. And Silent Night, Deadly Night now has the distinction of joining I Spit on Your Grave as one of the two most contemptible films I've seen.
And I don't mean to think it's campy. It really is quite awful.
The director of the film though, interestingly, Charles Selyer Jr., he moved on to produce a series of Christian-themed TV movies and documentaries like Miracles in our Midst. Now Keith, your protested movie is also a thriller of sorts, but a little bit sexier. A little bit sexier. It's Basic Instinct, which came out in 1992.
What's your new book about?
A detective. He falls for the wrong woman. And I think it's an interesting case where both sides of the issue are a little bit right and a little bit wrong.
There's no smoking in this building, Ms. Trammell. What are you going to do? Charge me with smoking?
Trouble began for the film when the script actually got into the hands of some gay activist who saw it as another film with sort of deranged gay characters. If you don't leave her alone, I'll kill you. Particularly in this film, every woman who sleeps with another woman becomes a murderer.
And there's some ambiguity there, but more or less that. Verhoeven's take on it is basically that the way to be grown-ups about it was to treat it as a non-issue. These were the characters' sexuality, and there you go. The thing is, though, this movie didn't appear in a vacuum. This movie appeared after decades and decades of unsympathetic portrayals of gay people. When the movie came out, there were protests. There were attempts to spoil the finale of the film. It's kind of a case for everyone. One, it became a huge hit, one of the biggest hits of the year, but it also brought up the issue of portrayals of gays and lesbians in a way it never had been before. It's nice.
It's worth noting, though, that all three of these films have a long afterlife, and maybe even a longer afterlife because of the protests. To a certain extent, they all prove the point that protests, while they can be effective in the short term, may actually cause more people to want to see the film than to stay away. For more protested movies, go to avclub.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | jake_gyllenhaal_and_bowen_yang_can_t_get_sabrina_carpenter_s_song_out_of_their_heads_snl | Hi, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, and I'm hosting the season finale of Snl this week with Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina, your song is stuck in my head. Oh, thanks, Bowen. yeah, it's like. summertime's coming, everybody's in the board shorts! Oh, that's not my song, I don't think. sure it is. it's like. summertime board shorts hanging by the boardwalk with all my friends and stuff! wait, that's actually really good, guys. board shorts, Summer! Hi, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, and I'm hosting the season finale of Snl this week with Sabrina Carpenter.
Jake, I don't mean to be forward, but your body in Roadhouse was incredible. you actually inspired my fitness journey. Oh, wow, really? thanks, Bowen. yeah, inspired me to stay skinny fat. I ain't doing all that sucka. No, you look so good, Bowen. thanks, Sabrina.
Hi, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, and I'm hosting the season finale of Snl this week with Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina, where does the name Carpenter come from? it comes out of the woodwork. Okay, call off the show. it ain't getting funnier than that! |
TheOnion | US_To_Trade_Gold_Reserves_For_Cash_Through_Cash4Gold_com | With the national debt climbing to an estimated 11 trillion dollars the White House announced an emergency economic plan today Training the national gold reserves for cash through precious metal buyers cash for gold.com Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner devised the measure after viewing this television commercial for the cash for gold program last week I got five hundred and eighty three dollars from cash for gold.com. All I did was look through my drawer full of jewelry I never wear. At a press conference this morning Treasury spokesman Ronald Shuler outlined What he called a fast solution to the nation's money woes. As you know we have these very large debts And the fact is the gold reserves are just sitting there Why not turn them into cash? This woman turned in her wedding ring from her first marriage and got money the next day If it worked for her it can work for the United States.
Joining us now is Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Cunel. Good to see you Mr. Cunel. Hi Andrea, how are you?
First, how much does the federal government expect to receive in exchange for all the gold? Well, our estimate is two hundred billion dollars However, the cash for gold website features a lot of testimonials from people whose gold was worth much more than they thought So there's a possibility that we will get much more. Now lawmakers on both sides of the aisle express concerns about the plans Well, we do understand we do understand their reluctance But the fact is they want to keep the gold for sentimental reasons or because they think it's pretty but that's a luxury We just can't afford right now Okay What about Republican Minority Leader John Boehner's statement that the Treasury Department should have looked into competing cash companies like dollarsforgold.com and goldline.com. Yes, I know I've heard all of that The reality is that we have over a trillion dollars in economic stimulus packages to pay for. Well, we do. We just need that cash now We can't wait. Okay, I see but don't you think- Look, I agree and the president agrees that this seems like a pretty good deal But is there a contingency plan if that proves not to be the case? Well, yes, of course there is We can get the gold back with the cash for gold 12th day guarantee But what about the other- They're certified by the Jewelers Vigilance Committee. It says so right on the website Okay, I understand the cash received from the cashforgold.com plan is going to be supplemented by funding from the selling of White House furniture on craigslist.org That is correct. We've already sold a giant military map that we don't use very often and we sold a couch We've made over $180 from that economic plan so far.
Well, thanks for being with us in the shelter. Mr. Kunal Well, thank you very much. Moving on residents of the Bronx are decrying the lack of gentrification in their neighborhood |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Thursday_16th_April | Good afternoon, good evening or good morning, wherever it is you're listening inside the Diamantina Shire or outside of it. My name is Wendell Hussey and this is the Batutah Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. Before we get started with your bite sized audio update, just a reminder that if you are listening on the main Batutah Advocate feed, we're transitioning off that one and will be coming out only on the Daily News Bulletin channel as of next week, so make sure you subscribe to that one.
Now getting started with some national news today and Home Affairs Minister turned lefty refugee advocate Peter Dutton may be reaching his zenith this week. In another Batutah Advocate exclusive, we reveal that Comrade Dutton is now hippy enough to start worrying about 5G. In an incredible turn of events, the former right wing hard man aspiring for higher authoritarian honours has gone even further to the left in recent times. In what began as a bit of casual refugee activism and some protests against the conditions he in fact created on Christmas Island Detention Centre, Dutton has now begun advocating against what he describes as the dangerous 5G network. Speaking to us over the phone, Comrade Dutton explained that 5G lowers people's immunity to viruses and has been designed to help the spread of COVID-19, which he's pretty sure was manufactured by the Chinese Government or Big Pharma or the New World Order or something like that.
He then became extremely abusive when we tried to ask him some questions about where he was getting this information from and hung up the phone, effectively ending the interview. Back home in town now for our next story and a devastated local dad running home school has realised that his kids are snitches. Yes, the self-proclaimed cool dad who was a relatively successful footy player during school has learned some unsettling facts about his kids today after circumstances forced him to undertake his fatherly duties. Looking after his two children, both under the age of 10, the local arborist from the Flight Path District said he couldn't believe how badly they can play up. He said to us, And I think Scott was listening cause it looks like he's trying his hardest on that one to get them back up and running.
Elsewhere around town now and we wrote a story about a pesky local co-worker and his girlfriend. The headline on that one was, That was written about Sarah Robinson, a 26-year-old junior lawyer at one of the big six legal firms who explained that she's had her usual slew of unwanted sexual advances upgraded from verbal to physical after setting up an office from the comforts of her own living room. Sarah told the Advocate that although her husband's constant handsy behaviour can be annoying, it's actually a lot more welcome than the lewd comments from middle-aged men that she normally has to put up with. She told us, And finishing on somewhat of a sad note now, a local bloke has revealed he'd give anything to drunkenly chew a cabbie's ear off right now. Yes, after nearly a month or so in ISO, local bloke Tom Teese has been facing the soul-crushing predicament of having no one to validate him for what he believes to be a cracking sense of humour. This comes after the glaze medal importer started realising that his wife just doesn't really appreciate his drunken dribble as much as his mates. He says his lack of one-on-one time with his mates, or cab drivers he can talk shit to, is made all the worse by the fact that no one in his three-bedroom family home on the outskirts of Batutah Plains thinks he's funny at all, or even interesting.
Extremely sad, and with the Prime Minister announcing today that all of the social distancing measures will be in place for at least another month, it doesn't look like he'll be getting his best audience back any time soon. Our thoughts certainly are with him. Anyway, that's all from us here at the Batutah Advocate, we'll be back again tomorrow with the Weekly News Bulletin and next week with your daily updates, but only on the Daily News Bulletin feed so make sure you subscribe to that one if you haven't done so already. But until then, it's goodbye from us, stay safe and stay at home. |
dropout | parking_a_giant_robot_is_hard | Good job, gang! Looks like Jordan Hogg's life was cut off. Nice.
I don't know about you guys, but I could go for some food. Ooh, let's go to Waffle Crock! Ooh, home of the slow-cooked waffle. Soggy on the outside, soft on the inside. I don't know, guys.
I really hate trying to find parking in that part of town. Oh, come on. It'll be fine. But I'm the one that has to park. I get very lucky with parking. I bet if we go down there, we'll see a spot immediately. Shit, there's a motorcycle.
There, over there! Over there! Fire hydrant, dang! Oh, they got there! No, there! They're there!
You are not helping! I can't just go back. I'll go along the block. No, just reverse. There's not that much traffic.
You can make it. Man... Someone just took it. We missed it. Wow. Great job, Trish. It's not my fault. Sarah pointed it out. I did tell you about that.
I couldn't get to it. I'm so hungry.
Can we please just park? Okay, I can valet.
What? Are you kidding me? Valet! It's like $10. It's too many dollars. What? It's $10. It's the print-in.
It's crazy. That's a no way. That is a charter.
We're way too smart.
We all know what it is. I didn't even know what it is.
Oh my God! There, there, there, there, there!
Are we allowed to park here? It's a purple curb. Yeah, cool. It's fine.
I'm hungry. What the hell is a purple curb? I think it's just dirty. That's definitely paint. I'm so hungry.
Never heard of a purple curb. Can we please just eat? It's just weird that no one else parked here.
It's fine. It's totally fine.
Can we please eat, guys? Come on. Guys, I think we would all feel a lot better.
No. If we went with the safer spot. No! Come on! We should go with the safer spot. No!
What? Cool. Sounds good. Let's eat. Whoo! Okay. If you're confident, I'll park. I am. Let's go. Waffle time. Uh... What is it doing? I'm trying to park.
Uh, maybe just put your left foot forward And then... Okay, but now where's the right? The right... Where? To the left.
It's not a matter of what you need to let me out. Shut up! I'm going to let you out.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is To pilot a machine with legs? Do you want me to do it? So you think you're a better leg pilot than me?
I don't care who parks us. I want to eat.
You know what? Fine. Give it a go, Armand. Right. Okay, now I'll just... Oh, do you need help? You know what? We could just valet. I mean, ten dollars between all of us? That's like... That's like nothing nowadays. That's what I said. Are you sure you can handle us? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No sweat. Okay. You're sure? Thanks.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_144_Claudia_Karvan | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the old city district downtown Batooter, Budgie Smuggler Studios, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, how are you Errol? Always good mate, good to be here. Good weather up here now.
Yep, and we've beaten COVID so that's all over. But you know, we're now seeing the fruits of a year spent locked indoors. As we said last week, a lot of people lost a lot during the pandemic and a lot of people found new avenues to apply their crafts and people found new businesses, people decentralized and we saw a lot of silver linings to the whole thing. One silver lining I would say that we have seen is the, I don't know how to put this, the Carvanessance of Claudia Carvin who joins us here today on The Batooter Advocate podcast. Thank you for joining us Claudia.
Oh look, lovely to be here. Beautiful town. Yeah, no, it's a good time of the year to be here. It's not too hot. Not too dusty. Yeah. Nice and green actually outside.
But Claudia, now you've been green lit for a second season of Bump and you are once again, the show that you were involved in is rating, rating, rating. I don't know if they call it rating on streaming services, but you are number one really in the country right now.
Yeah. Apparently record breaking. Yeah. For Stan. So, Hey, can't beat that. Can you? Instant gratification. Yeah, you can't.
Well, it is like that nowadays, isn't it? You don't have to wait for the quarterly ratings or anything like that. It's just day one, you'll get a phone call from them. Well yeah. And I suppose on those streaming platforms and stuff that you aren't trying to give those numbers to advertisers. I mean, there are people who are paying good money to watch it, you know, and that they're getting what they want. Yeah. And we don't have to wait, you know, week on, week out for the episodes to drop.
They just dumped them all on New Year's Day when everyone had a lovely hangover and it was lovely wet weather and people were over COVID. And I think we sort of, it was a perfect storm for us. People sat around and binged the hell out of it, which is, um, yeah, we, the whole team were extremely gratified.
Were you in the background as well on, uh, Secret Life of Us? Yeah, Secret Life of Us.
No, I was not. I, I was, uh, I was an employee and, and very new to television and very scared of the commitment because I was a bit of a film snob. I really only did feature films and stuff and John Edwards and Amanda Hicks and Judy McCrossin offered me the role of Alex and I had no idea how TV worked.
I was like, yeah, look, I'll do the first four episodes and if I'm happy, I'll stay on. And they just took a punt on me. And of course I stayed on for, you know, two and a half series and back then it was like 22 episode series and they were hour long episodes where the bump is like 30 minutes. And it doesn't feel rushed either. That's the thing. I mean, maybe it's just the consumer, you know, our mindset has changed, but bump feels like you get everything in, in each episode and it's, and it's crazy to think that we would watch sometimes longer than an hour of an evening and sometimes more than one episode if we were, you know, if we had the box set. Yeah, I think we, we tried to pack it in. We tried to make sure there was no fat and you know, there's, I think there's a good amount of layers in there. So yeah, hopefully they're satisfying half hours.
So just for people like Clancy, can you describe the difference between being a show creator and say a writer, like what does the creator do? That is a very good question. So for instance, on Love My Way, I shared the creative credit with Jacqueline Persky and John Edwards. So that meant we were the core initial team. I initially came up with the idea of Let's Explore being in your 30s in Sydney because I'd just done Secret Life of Us 20s in Melbourne. So that was sort of, I'm so incredibly original. That was a brilliant idea, like not. So that's why you get that title because you are there from the beginning to populate the world, invent the characters, invent the tone, put the team together. But for Dr. Doctor, I was credited as a creator as well with Tony McNamara, the amazing Tony McNamara who created The Great, which is on stand at the moment and one of the best TV series. He's a bloody genius. And again, it's how early you are on a project. You know, you might come onto a project and it's being described on, you know, a one pager for instance. So when you populate the world, invent the characters and the arcs, then that's how you inherit that title. But for instance, on this one, Kelsey Munro was her original idea.
She knew of some parents who this, a similar thing had happened, not a cryptic pregnancy, but a teen pregnancy. And she was on maternity leave for the second time. And she was like, oh, how, what's a great way to sort of contextualise the shock of motherhood? And she thought, yeah, I'll do it to a 16 year old and you know, that type of 16 year old and blindside her.
So it was a good, good framework. And then I came on very early and contributed a whole lot of other layers to the production. So therefore, you know, I know I was, I said to John, you know, you asked Kelsey if she wants to give me a created credit because you know, it is her original idea and she yeah, was very keen to do that. So does that answer the question? It's a bit of a long answer, wasn't it?
So basically you take this idea that you create and you handball it to a bunch of people in a room who just flesh it all out. That's right. Well, we all sit in the room together. And you know, we have contributors coming and going on Bump. We had a fairly consistent core group of Stephen Arreguada, Jess Tuckwell, who wrote three of the episodes, Matilda Gupta, who wrote episode five and Tim Lee who wrote two episodes. So they were they were in the room from the outset. And yes, we we have a big whiteboard and we just basically bring in our diaries and share our most, you know, private, embarrassing stories and then sort of convert them into something unrecognizable.
The thing I found with Bump is it hits a lot of, you know, nostalgia as well as exploring new things on the Australian, you know, television kind of world. It explores obviously the idea of a cryptic pregnancy, which is real. And we've all heard a story and also teen pregnancy. But, you know, you also get a throwback to the kind of that effortless kind of multicultural, you know, Australia, which we saw in Heartbreak High and we used to see back in the day Heartbreak Kid. And there's a little bit of ala brandy about this as well. Did you find like, you know, it's it's resonating in that way with some people? Oh, yeah, we've got a lot of attention for that and a lot of kudos, which is great. I mean, yeah, that's pretty much the first one of the main questions I get asked is, oh, the diversity is so great. There is a fantastic article on ArtsHub, which is titled diversity is a white word.
And so I don't know, I try not to use a D word. I just think, you know, you've just got to reflect what Australia really is and the demographic of Australia. And there's sort of no excuse to not do that anymore. I think we've sort of been quite lazy or stuck in our ways or anglicentric or whatever it is.
But it was Nakia Louie, actually, I was on a panel with her at Giant Dwarf. And she sort of challenged me. And I was like, Oh, God, I think I'm getting a bit apathetic in that space.
So Kirsten McGregor, who is the casting agent, it's very, very big on her agenda as well. And it's just exciting to see new faces and create new careers like you Arnie, so all other Samoan boy, like he's never acted before he's 18 years old. He was on his way to being a rugby star. And he put down an audition and he just kicked it out of the park. And he's like, he's brilliant.
Yeah, but it's representative more so than diversity, because it's, you know, it's telling, obviously, a story of, you know, the suburbs like that in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. And we haven't actually seen that of late. And that's I feel like that's been well portrayed. Do you see similarities between this kind of story? And was it ever on your mind making this show, you know, to you grew up in a kind of Bohemian kind of eccentric, you know, multicultural kind of, you know, upbringing in Sydney Kings Cross, wasn't it? It was Victoria Street. Are you traveling any of that? Any of your, you know, your youth? Oh, look, I think all contributors in the room, we all bring our lives to the show. So, yeah, you can't help but even even unconsciously, you know, the way you might solve problems or your general sort of philosophies or whatever your values, they just, they sort of get absorbed in the way you want to tell a story.
So yeah, I mean, that that was my childhood. And yeah, it's pretty unique. Yeah. Did you did you fall into acting? Was that was that a result of your surroundings? Look, we I mean, we're going back well before, you know, Bumpier. But yeah, I was 10. Yeah.
Well, my parents were originally in the film industry. They went over to Cannes Film Festival and represented the singer and the dancer, actually an Armstrong short film and Bert Dealing's Pure Shit. And they were part of Film News magazine and all their friends were in the film industry, but then they started this nightclub in King's Cross. So it was frequented by lots of film people.
And I was a 10 year old kid around. So that's generally what you do. You grab the nearest kid if you need a need a kid in a role. And that was me.
I had no I had no aspirations to be an actor. And my mother certainly didn't on my behalf either. She was not a stage mom by any stretch of the magic.
That might be why you stuck with it. Yeah, yeah, maybe. Do you know what you would be doing if you weren't doing this? Oh, that's a good question. I would I find medicine fascinating. Yeah, but that's probably just romantic vision of it. Yeah, I probably would have. Yeah, well, that's right. Yeah, well, I was I was a surgeon on Secret Life of Us and I did start really believing that I probably could cut my friends open successfully.
Just waiting for that heart attack in a restaurant. Clear the way.
And when did you I mean, you've been part of this kind of alumni, this class of Secret Life of Us and you know, and everyone, almost all of them and some of the people you kind of working with in your, you know, your early TV shows you worked on have all gone their own ways and done amazing things. Are there any reunions? You know, do you do the big Mendelssohn Mailman kind of catch ups because it's almost like a lot of people launched from the same place as you did? Yeah, I mean, Mailman and I sit on the board of Screen Australia together, so that's a reunion, you know, every couple of months we go through the board papers and she's just gold.
Like, honestly, bottle her blood. She's one of the most gorgeous and beautiful actresses in this country. But she's also she lives her own life. She's a kid. She lives down the south coast.
And Mendelssohn, I get the odd sort of call from him as he's strolling down Sunset Boulevard. He does go, I was just thinking about you, Claude. And just wanted to thank you for that job on your little show. Love my way, you know, because he wasn't getting a lot of work at that time. So, you know, he thinks of me every now and again. It's the life of Ben, isn't it?
Yeah, I mean, it just did you feel like it was happening when it was happening for a lot of you, you know, you youngsters? Did you feel like you guys were being part of, you know, TV history when you were in these programs?
No, not at all. I don't know. I don't think I don't know. I don't think I ever sort of take that bird's eye view.
And also, you know, acting career is it's so much about perception. Like, really, you know, if you're on Secret Life of Us and you apparently got this amazing career, you're literally working six months of the year.
And the other six months, you're like, I'm out of work. You're walking down and no one really needs me and everyone else is going to work.
I'll do the crossword. Did you ever do the theatre thing? Did you do a lot of art as a youngster? Yeah, I did a bit. I did.
And when you're on a good theatre show, it's just it's pretty transcendental. Really, it's just kind of amazing. And you learn a lot. And and then when you're on a mediocre one, it's like torture.
No one ever says that. Oh, man, it's death. And also each audience responds exactly the same way every night. Great. So we're getting to intermission. How many people do you think are going to come back?
And then you have to go through the second half of the show with about half the audience there and half of them falling asleep. That's that's the craziest thing about theatre and audiences. You can leave. Well, that people are much more comfortable walking out of a of a stage show than a cinema. For some reason, you know, people will sit through the worst movie they've ever seen because there's an intermission. So you can get halfway and just be like, no, we're at the movies. If you get up and walk out of a movie, you just break the magic for everyone.
And everyone looks at you going, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose that's the problem with you. They get you to the door and then you go buy a pack of cigarettes and run away forever.
I don't think it's a bad thing. You know, I think I think, you know, the audience is king. And sometimes if you if you're sitting in the audience and you're going, these actors are having a lot more fun than I am. I'm going to go home. I don't I don't hold that against audience members.
You know, we can talk about this because, you know, Bump has done so well. And of course, there's other programs and all the other movies and stuff you've worked on has done so well. Have you ever done and you hear about these development hell quite often? You know, you hear about development hell and you know how Star is born. They've been trying to make that for 20 years again. You know, they had Beyonce ready and ready and ready. And then all of a sudden they had Lady Gaga. Have you ever done that on a production or, you know, where you've gotten all the way through and it just doesn't happen?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And interestingly, like sometimes the platform is invested, you know, up to like three hundred thousand dollars. So you're thinking, oh, yeah, we're in this car. And then suddenly the whole project dies. But, you know, there is a beauty about being in in development, too. It's it's a very creative part of the process. And and you sort of become like a magpie as you're living your daily life. You're sort of picking a little, oh, that would be good in that scene. Or, oh, that outfit would look good on that character. Or so you sort of it's a rich time. But yeah, it is a bit of a limbo time, too.
You weren't of the era where you had to choose between TV and film, I'm guessing. I mean, paperback hero straight into, you know, these like these series. No, I think you're probably responsible for giving the world Hugh Jackman. Really? I mean, like you really helped him along in that movie.
And now look at him going from strength to strength. Oh, what a lovely guy. He is a genuinely lovely guy.
But you didn't you didn't have to like, say, I'm going to go do I'm going to go to film now because, you know, they talk about Clooney as someone who was kind of the first that did both for me to Ocean's Eleven. Yeah, but that's the American industry. You can't compare it in Australia. You just have to do everything from from waitressing to to TV, to awful theater reduction, to developing shows that never get up to, you know, you just got to do it all.
And do you like doing films? I do. I like it. I like it a lot.
I just did a beautiful film, actually. It should come out eventually because of Covid. It was sort of smashed like everything. Did a great film with Noni Hazelhurst and Stephen Curry called June Again and directed by first time director called J.J. Winlove. It's a beautiful story and it's a great film, but it was low budget. It was quite a short shoot. So it was quite swift. So it was a bit like television.
But when you do go on to a film set and they have triple the amount of resources and triple the amount of time, it is a very different process. I kind of I like the pace of TV. So you're saying you could power through like a season of television faster than a big movie? Well, it comes down to the amount of minutes you'll shoot in a day. So sometimes on Love My Way, we would be shooting 10 minutes of screen time in a day, whether on most feature films or not most. I mean, there's all different variations of budget. But on a medium Australian film, you might shoot three minutes of screen time a day.
So, you know, it's a big difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the amount of coverage, the amount of takes, the amount of, yeah, resources, it's just different. We know one of your former co-stars in the shape of Sam Parsons, an actor who's worked with us on stuff over the years. And he tells me, even though he played a youngster in Love My Way, he still gets bailed up in, you know, restaurants and stuff about how much that show saved this person or changed their life. And, you know, he was the kid. Yeah. I'm guessing that can happen a bit more to, you know, the leads. Yeah, I don't know.
I have some sort of weird way of blocking that sort of stuff out. I still wander down the street and talk to myself out loud and pretend that I'm invisible. Or feel invisible, which is great. But yeah, yeah, there is a sort of visibility.
He's great, Sam. I have to say, I remember Sam every time I hang out my washing because we were doing a scene together and we were hanging out the washing and I was hanging out the jeans, just folding them over the line, like dropping them over. He's like, is that how you hang out your jeans? He was like, he was like about 17 years old or something. I was like, yes, why? He said, no, that's not how you do it. You've got to get the waistband and you have the jeans open. I was like, oh my goodness, I've been schooled by a 17 year old boy. So I thank him for that. My jeans dry a lot quicker. Yeah. That's the thespian boarding school kid coming out.
You've said a lot in interviews after Bump about how, and we spoke about it earlier, is that the half an hour and you know how you can trim the fat and how you can get a drama or a comedy drama or, you know, any kind of program, you can get that up now. With streaming and, and people are keen for it. Is that, is that something you've been waiting for in film and TV?
Oh, look, I think I was sort of starting to despair because it didn't look like the landscape was going to change. It always looked like half hour was going to be the sort of the cheaper show and the comedy skit show. And, you know, in terms of free to air scheduling for some reason, it just didn't ever fit into their schedules. It always had to be hours.
And so I'd sort of given it up and Kelsey, who's totally fresh to our industry. She'd never had a script produced before and it was her passion to go for half hours. So we did go into the stand meeting saying it was going to be hours just to sort of get them on the hook. And, you know, to their credit, they were fantastic collaborators and terrific to work with when we did fess up and go, you know, we actually think this would be a half hour. We just had this brilliant idea. What do you reckon about half hours?
We were just saying on the way here. And they were like, great, yep, we're on. So, yeah. So thanks to Kelsey, we really gave that a red hot go. And are you feeling it in the air? There's going to be an Australian TV kind of renaissance as well outside with all these streaming, all these platforms are setting up shop. Well, yeah, it's pretty exciting.
I mean, to date, a lot of the internationals, because Stan is an Australian streamer. A lot of people don't know that. They think it's international. But a lot of the internationals aren't investing as much in our stories.
So I'm really hoping they see the success of Bump and they see that, you know, it is a way into our marketplace. Like people do want to see themselves and their accents and their landscapes and their stories being told. And it's, you know, rather than just inheriting an international library. Yeah, it feels like there was a time, you know, where I guess reality TV was a big changer when, you know, when, when free to air networks were able to say, this is Australian made content, you know, I'm going to put 20 drunk bokuns in a house on the Gold Coast. And this is, yeah, you know, that that's in their mind. They met that quota that would have once gone to country practice or stingers. Yeah, yeah, that whole drama system and the point system is quite complicated. I think I think you get more points for drama. So it's not exactly apples for apples. But yeah, there was an element of that for sure. But one of the interesting things I think it was Tony Ayres said in an interview, you know, why do we have a problem with, you know, the D word diversity on camera when you know, you look at MasterChef, and that's United Nations. And he had a great point. And then there was a terrific article. I can't remember who wrote it. But they said, Yeah, yeah, they want all these different faces on camera and on screen.
But none of us are, excuse the F word, none of us are fuckable. No one wants to have sex with us.
We're just the, we're the, you know, we're the best friend or whether this that thing. So that was another layer to representation is like, okay, and you're also, you know, people are falling in love with you. And so that was another great article. But, you know, you look at the success of some of the great kind of TV institutions, Heartbreak High. And then of course, even in America, you start looking at the big, sellable, bankable kind of shows. And they were World Wrestling, you know, and the Fast and the Furious. And these things were like, almost every single character was from a different kind of part of the world. And that's, it's just sales.
It does work.
Yeah, there was a great investigation into that earlier this year. There was a great article about America and how, you know, what was it? The what was it?
The Black Panther and what was it called that, that feature film with full black cast? It was a Marvel or something. Yeah, Black Panther. It was called Black Panther. Okay.
You know, there's so many examples to cite, but it was interesting. One of the things they were still not addressing was Latinos, and they're 30% of the American population, but they were actually represented as like 5% in representation. So I think we may have even beaten the Americans at their own game.
A lot of the movies, they were always the bad guys. The same four actors. There's Hector, the guy with the Southern Californian gangster with the shaved head and the mustache. We all, we've all seen those five or six actors that get the start.
There's been a lot of press recently, really with all this COVID that's happening, that the rise of streaming is having a knock on effect with movies. How people aren't able to go to the movies anymore.
Do you think they'll always be around? Like, you know, we'll always have a bookshop where you can go and buy a hardcover book. Do you think that movies are just, they're so entrenched in the storytelling experience of movies that they'll just always be around?
I think so. I mean, I think there was big furor when something called the television was invented and I was going to be the end of radio, you know, I think there's room for everything. And you know, some stories really need to be told in a feature film format. They really suited. And certainly there's a lot of directors out there who still believe that until you've made your own feature film, you're not a director.
It's not a movie. It's a film. A film.
I feel like the, the awards and, you know, there's people that grow up viewing, you know, screen that way and don't think anything else when they're going through, you know, university or they're going through film school. I don't ever think I'm going to TV.
I'm going to make, you know, I guess it is the similar to books in a way where people have got that one, one book in them. Yeah, apparently. Yeah, yeah. Every drama teacher. Yeah.
Wait till I get out of this place you little bastards. I'm going to write my book and I'm going to get out of here. Or, you know, I'm finally going to get that screenplay out.
Every bloke living above a pub ever. Everyone you've ever met is down there in the beer garden.
He's got a good book in it. He's probably already written it.
Uh, well anyway, thank you for, for joining us today. This has been a really interesting conversation because obviously Batutah Advocate work, uh, in the online space and, um, and in, you know, traditional print newspapers. We didn't actually know too much about everything that goes on behind the scenes, especially in this brave new world.
But for those listeners sitting on the tractor, your wife has got Stan and it is on the TV. So after landline, sit down, pull yourself a lemonade and check out Bump. Because it's, And you can listen to Radio National at the same time, you know, you can do two things at once. Provided you live in a place with, you know, the level of internet that you do need to, uh, to watch a TV show.
Yeah. You probably won't be able to pull this off in Sky Muster, but if you've got the copper wire, you should be all right. So, um, you'll make up one of thousands, hundreds of thousands of Australians that have enjoyed this TV show and, uh, we're all excited for a second season. So thank you for joining us Claudia. Thank you. I'm really hoping they see the success of Bump and they see that, you know, it is a way into our marketplace. Like people do want to see themselves and their accents and their landscapes and their stories being told. And it's, you know, rather than just inheriting an international library. Yeah. It's, uh, it feels like there was a time, you know, where I guess reality TV was a big changer when, you know, when, when free to air networks were able to say, this is Australian made content. You know, I'm going to put 20 drunk bokuns in a house on the Gold Coast. And this is a, yeah, you know, that, that that's in their mind, they met that quota that would have once gone to country practice or stingers. Yeah.
That whole drama system and the point system is quite complicated. I think, I think you get more points for drama, so it's not exactly apples for apples, but yeah, there was an element of that for sure. But one of the interesting things, I think it was Tony Ayres said in an interview, you know, why do we have a problem with, you know, the D word diversity on camera where, you know, you look at master chef and it's United nations and he had a great point. And then there was a terrific article, I can't remember who wrote it, but they said, yeah, yeah, they, they want all these different faces on camera and on screen, but none of us are, excuse the F word, none of us are fuckable.
No one wants to have sex with us.
We're just the, we're the, you know, we're the best friend or whether this, that thing. So that was another layer to representation is like, okay. And you're also, you know, people are falling in love with you. And so, um, that was another great article. But, you know, you look at the success of some of the great kind of TV institutions, heartbreak high. And then of course, even in America, you start looking at the, the big sellable bankable kind of shows and they were world wrestling, you know, and the fast and the furious and these things were like almost every single character was from a different kind of part of the world. And that's, it's just sales.
It does work. Yeah.
There was a great investigation into that earlier this year. There was a great article about America and how, um, you know, what was it?
The, what was it? Was it the Black Panther? I know. What was it called? That, um, that feature film with full black cast. It was a Marvel or something. It was called Black Panther. Okay.
You know, there's so many examples to cite, but it was interesting. One of their, one of the things they were still not addressing was Latinos and they're 30% of the Australian, uh, the American population, but they were actually representatives, like 5% in representation. So I think we may have even beaten the Americans at their own game.
A lot of the movies, they were always the bad guys. The same four actors. There's Hector, the guy with the Southern Californian gangster with the shaved head and the mustache. We all, uh, we've all seen those five or six actors that get the start.
There's been a lot of press recently, really with all this COVID that's happening, that the rise of streaming is having a knock on effect with movies. How people aren't able to go to the movies anymore.
Do you think they'll always be around? Like, you know, we'll always have a bookshop where you can go and buy a hardcover book. Do you think that movies are just, they're so entrenched in the storytelling experience of movies that they'll just always be around?
I think so. I mean, I think there was big furor when something called the television was invented and I was going to be the end of radio, you know, I think there's room for everything and you know, some stories really need to be told in a feature film format. They really suit it. And certainly there's a lot of directors out there who still believe that until you've made your own feature film, you're not a director. It's not a movie. It's a film. I feel like the, the awards and, and, you know, there's people that grow up viewing, you know, screen that way and, and, and don't think anything else when they're going through, you know, university or they're going through film school. They don't ever think I'm going to TV. I'm going to make, you know, I guess it is the similar to books in a way where people have got that one, one book in them.
Yeah. Apparently. Yeah.
Every drama teacher.
Wait till I get out of this place you little bastard. I'm going to write my book and I'm going to get out of here. Or, you know, I'm finally going to get that screenplay out.
Every bloke living above a pub ever. Everyone you've ever met is down there in the beer garden.
He's got a good book in him. He's probably already written it.
Well, anyway, thank you for joining us today. This has been a really interesting conversation because obviously but to have a good work, uh, in the online space and, um, and in, you know, traditional print newspapers, we didn't actually know too much about everything that goes on behind the scenes, especially in this brave new world. But for those listeners sitting on the tractor, your wife has got Stan and it is on the TV. So after landline, sit down, call yourself a lemonade and check out. Bump because you can listen to radio national at the same time. Two things at once provided you live in a place with, you know, the level of internet that you do need to, uh, to watch a TV show. Yeah, we probably won't be able to pull this off in sky muster, but if you've got the copper wire, you should be all right.
So, um, you'll make up one of thousands, hundreds of thousands of Australians that have enjoyed this TV show and, uh, we're all excited for a second season. So thank you for joining us, Claudia. Thank you. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_power_pad | This week on Gleeploop, we are checking out one of Nintendo's first attempts to change the way you control games, the Power Pack. I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me in this effort will be Christian Finnegan, who's one-hour Comedy Central special premieres May 9th, and of course from college humor, Kevin Corrigan and Pat Cassels. Let's get fit with probably the only Power Pack game anyone's ever played, world-class track meat. And the only track meat any video game player has ever done.
I like the sort of implied three-dimensionality of the sort of glint. They have some depth, there's like a little shadow underneath. It has a nice Tron vibe.
In Japan, they actually are buttons. That's the controller Godzilla uses.
Oh my god, who's in the red one? Who's in the red? fuck off the buttons. Jeff, are you in red?
I can't help right now. Yep, you're all right. Oh my god, Christian, I'm in the blue. You just pulled you in the lead.
Wow! Wow. Come back. That was a miraculous- Oh baby! I kind of wandered off the buttons at some point. Wow.
That's an untiring. That was embarrassing.
Yeah.
I can understand playing the power pad by yourself because you get the thrill of competition, but like, you have two people, like, there's no incentive to just race inside in a four-foot by four-foot fight. I actually think the opposite. The idea of doing this by myself is very pathetic. Like, just being in my room to hook. Yeah, no, the opposite to you tonight, guys. You have fun, though.
I got some stuff. I got this burke tomorrow, whatever. No, mom, I promise I wasn't masturbating. I promise. What was all that banging around then? Jesus.
Okay. All right. Cut to transition. Okay. All right. Cut to transition.
I learned something I learned about the power pad pretty early on. Running like this doesn't help. You just, like, leave your toes on the ground. Yeah, literally just heels. It's all about keeping your upper body completely stationary. That's how Jesse Owens won the Olympics. You learn that technique.
Oh my God. Oh, I got a jumper earlier. Yeah. You're doing great. You nailed these hurdles. I always jump too late. There you go. Christian's getting in. Oh my God. You might pull a hat, dude. You might.
That was too close to him. You had to admire Christian's determination. He fell flat on his face five hurdles in a row. He just kept going. Much like my comedy career.
Guys, what have we learned about the power pad today? I wonder how long the power pad existed before the first person said, so this is it. It's interesting to see that, like, from the very beginning, Nintendo is interested in, like, giving you new ways to control the game. I imagine the same guy through the power pad, after it failed, came back 20 years later with the Wii Fit Board, and he's like, I know last time it didn't work out, but I've been working him out.
You've got to give me this one more chance. You're not warming up the pad? I know. How do they know if I'm doing this or not? Don't question the power pad. I can see some father playing this game with his son, like, God damn it! I can't do this! I am enjoying it.
I think you lost. It's a very lonely aerobic studio. Try again later. Wow. Improve. I'm so emasculated. Yeah. You just lost that exercising. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Good_Will_Hunting | Do you like apples? Yeah. I got a number. How do you like them apples?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Good Will Hunting, a classic story of a protagonist overcoming obstacles in order to attain a goal. Featuring supporting characters, an inciting incident, and a rising action, Good Will Hunting hits all the key notes of a narrative arc. There's also music, credits, and cinematography. It's all there. Originally released in 1997, Good Will Hunting takes place in a setting. Following the main character as an inciting incident that happens in the setting causes him to advance through the film's story, encountering challenges along the way toward his eventual goal. Played by the actor seen here, Good Will Hunting's hero is ultimately joined by other ancillary characters, such as this person, and this person, and this one, who interact with the main character, moving with him through various plot points in what can best be described as a narrative. Beginning, middle, end. Good Will Hunting has all of these. Simply put, the elements of a movie are all present in this film.
But that's not all.
For example, notice in this scene how the two characters are framed so we can see them speaking to each other. This is known as directing. Similarly, the expressions on their faces as they deliver dialogue, that is known as acting. The fact that they're wearing clothing is a part of costume design.
All of these are an unmistakable part of filmmaking. Of course, like many other movies, Good Will Hunting's core story revolves around central themes, themes which come to light in various scenes, such as this one. Ultimately, filmgoers looking for a movie featuring exposition that builds to a climax before reaching a resolution should look no further than Good Will Hunting, which is, above all, a movie that includes these things. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | 7_dvd_commentaries_that_got_too_real | Seven. Commentary. Track that. Now two. Real. I asked Michael why it's easier to train oil drillers to become astronauts than it was to train astronauts to become oil drillers. And he told me to shut, shut, shut the f**k up. So that was the end of that talk. Oh, one whole week? Now you know how to fly into space? I need my guys. Why do you need them?
They're the best. Everyone's the best. Why are they the best?
I don't know. They just are. I don't know how they can build rocket ships, but they don't understand, like, what makes a good tranny. I'm not going to be diplomatic because what happened here was f**king bullsh**. Oh my god. I totally forget. Yeah.
But I got a call from the network saying, you can't do this. You cannot do this gag. Why not?
They've made fun of Family Guy like five times. The Fox said, well, this seems a little personal. And I said, well, how could it be any more personal than a picture of Peter Griffin on a wanted poster that says plagiarist?
Get off my wife. Oh my god. You shot my homie.
Endless rigid expression on Kirk's face begins in time to drive me crazy. I feel such a need for him to relax the muscles of his face. Spartacus was, of anything, a man of great intelligence. He should be afraid. He should be intrigued. He should be wondering. He should be reacting.
Our movie audiences, for the most part, are quite brain damaged. You see, we in America have elevated actors into God. We take a dim-witted second-rate actor and we make him president of the United States.
It's funny. I'd kind of grown out of the video experience quite quickly. By the third one, it was just like, this is a load of bollocks. I want my money back for that. That's disgraceful.
What is it? What?
Why did they end up in hospital? I needed that helmet. Was she on the bike? Hang on a minute.
That's a bit mad, that one. I fucking hate this next tune. I really fucking hate it. This is dick science, for Christ's sake. And CIA and the Russians know everything they must know about our guys, but they can't find out something that's important. There's a disconnect there. This is bullshit. This is bullshit, by the way.
How the hell do they know the stealth bombers have just lifted off? Well, don't they monitor this stuff? They have radar, they have satellites. The whole point of stealth, Phil, is you can't see it on radar at all.
Life that the directors love shooting, you know, not a laugh in it, intrinsically as boring as hell. But, as they always say to me, John, cinema is a visual medium, to which I say, I think life is a visual medium, but we've been sitting here talking to each other for three hours.
When Johnny throws the money at the dwarf, did that bother you? Yeah. Of course I would not do it. The unconscionable rudeness to the dwarf, I thought, was a horrible insult to me.
But you didn't get in the back seat. No, I didn't get in the back seat.
What did you think of when Johnny did that? I thought it was some faggy gig by Gillian. That kid is a stupid, a wack doll of some kind. That's Tobey Maguire. He was Spider-Man recently. I can see why, I guess. Look at that. Look at that freak.
You jackass bastard! What? Lucy! I've been hearing a lot about you. And not all of it is satisfactory. You f***ing yellow-billy dreamer. F***ing not too big. Okay. Well, see you later, man. Hey guys, please come out to UCB Sunset to see the next live crack podcast.
It's going to be December 10th, and we're going to be doing our year in review app. We're calling it the Year in Review in Review.
What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet. But I'm going to figure it out before then, and it's going to be awesome. Hope to see you there. |
SaturdayNightLive | garrett_from_hinge_snl | Can't believe we just did that. Every time you're in town, you suck me back in. It's because we were meant for each other. baby. God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.
Oh, you're bad. now. come on. shall I make some pancakes? Daddy's special recipe?
Hey God, Um, what's up? What are you doing in my house? Who is that? Um, I'm Garrett from Hinge. We had plants for seven at Buccuccinos. What? Kira, This is the guy you blew off. Yeah, Afraid. So now I'm here and you're in bed with like a Hemsworth brother I didn't know about. How do you think that makes me feel? Dude. You broke into my house. I don't even know you. Uh, yeah you do. I'm Garrett from Hinge. Okay, the guy who's been waiting for you at Buccuccinos like some kind of sucka. what is your problem?
Leave. Oh my God. This is so overwhelming I'm gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out we can figure this all out. Okay, there is nothing to figure out. Okay, we gotta call the cops.
No, you can't I'm not supposed to be here. I can't leave the state cuz my parole.
Wait what? Parole? Garrett?
No, your feelings are hurt. That's hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them.
I'm back. And I've been thinking thinking a lot about it. And I'm open to being a throuple.
Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Garrett, Kira Tonight, You mean me. look like an absolute sucka. Yeah, I left work early to change. You changed into that Stewie Griffin t-shirt I give you some advice. Kira: if you're not emotionally available, maybe don't be on the amps, right?
Oh My. God.
Like especially hinge cuz hinges the app that's designed to be deleted, right? Will you stop making the same pose as your shirt? Oh, you want to leave a foot rub? Hey, it's just me. Garrett from Hinge, the dating app for people who hate dating apps. Do you like work for Hinge?
Hey, this little piggy left me at Buccuccinos. Oh my God. You know what. I need to use the restroom again. And I don't mean to make this awkward, but could you please Rapid test. There's a plan demick going on. Did he say Plan Derek? I know this is hard, but you cannot kill them even though it'd be so easy. Oh man, really wish I didn't bring poison here. You know what? I think I'm just gonna stay the night if that's cool. No. get your psychopath ass out of here now. Damn it woman. I'm sorry.
That was my Stewie impression. No Garrett. That was actually an amazing Stewie impression. And to be fair, Kira, you did make him look like a sucker at buccuccinos.
So you know what? Maybe we're in the wrong to now? Get in here with us.
Wow, Thanks guys, that's so nice. Oh damn, I'm positive. |
cracked | least_effective_drug_intervention_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_10 | Hello, welcome. Thanks for checking in to the age of cracked cracked urean collection in HD Stick around and watch the whole episode and then afterwards we'll share anecdotes behind the scenes Things there will be giveaways They will not there will not be a single giveaway There will be one give only one giveaway Eating lunch huh? Yep. I are eating sandwich.
Oh Oh Well, if you count my balls, there's like Anyway, you can figure out the rest What is wrong with you? So pressure finally gotten to you. Yeah, we fall somewhere between party clowns and car accidents on the spectrum of things that people view as entertainment so No, not really. Yeah, it's a brutal Thankless bitch of a job But by God, someone's got to do it That's why I gave up the gavel You know, I wanted to do some real good fight the scum and the pushers and the thugs in their own element And then I got this job, which is way easier Michael, what are you doing? Oh, it's okay. I don't have diabetes.
It's Do you think you're spelling heroin damn, why do you think I spelled it anyone could hear you Michael? Everybody in this office can spell except you which I Mean this plan was just doomed from the start.
I don't I don't know where but But uh, Michael the heroine is sort of what I came here to talk to you about today. Oh, you want some dude I can totally hook you up. My guy crazy Raul just got released.
Well, not really. He's out. I don't I don't want some I'm sure you know what? They say I hit a day I'm gonna stop you right there. There's no way finish.
Yes, right. Okay heroine Michael I mean you can't even spell it and you're shooting it into your body can't spell Windex That doesn't stop me and you don't think there's anything wrong with that picture not a picture dance It's a needle Needleful of heroin and here I go. Nope. Ah Heroin foul. It's cool. I injected some into this Apple Michael this this is an intervention Well, my train pulls into h-town in like three minutes, so I'd make it quick I thought heroin was instantaneous now we can cut it with Windex blue gold Texas window cleaner Squeegee juice the squeaky monkey. That's what blueberry shakes. Okay. All right skater blood Smurf jib. Okay. Jesus. All right, three minutes three minutes Okay to skip the intro that we can skip the song This part compares shooting heroin to chugging Windex, which obviously isn't Okay, okay, Michael We all care about you very much.
Ah I asked the rest of the office to be here, but I guess they were busy Wow Kind of makes me want to do more heroin. I think let me just skip right to the PowerPoint Dan I already saw your PowerPoint nice shit in it. I should be right in it You can't it's not like a box that you Great now. I have to find out what you did. My PowerPoint is shut up Come on. I want to show you something Michael this isn't another Inside-out animal is it? No, although I still maintain that would have made a great web series people love kittens, Dan Daniel This is an intervention.
Oh my god. That is good. Harold An intervention for what the CDs Dan. Oh, that's right. Hot chick always shoot. Stand down the CDs.
I Don't know what you're talking recognize this Daniel. I Found it in your desk while I was stealing stuff to trade for heroin. You should be ashamed of yourself You've got a real problem, Dan.
No, I don't they're good compilations fall out boy. Damn panic at the disco Okay. Okay, they they represent a wide range of popular They may not be as edgy as They form the zeitgeist.
He's on heroin. They don't change the subject.
I'm sick of watching you throw your life away Jamming along the kids bop and buzz ballads whatever their street names. They got these days street names their name Oh, I bet Dan You're bopping right now, aren't you? You're popped out of your mind. Are you Dan? Are you buzzing? Are you balance?
Tell me You guys ditched my intervention for this We had cake. Hold me Dan. No, you're my best friend. We're not Jesus Oh Seriously though he shouldn't stop doing house, right? Are you kidding? He's always like this.
Yeah anything the heroin Kicks gone So nothing happens then is that what's going on here everything just stays the same myself Oh This is battle of h-town our intervention episode, which I provided me a lot of cool opportunities as an actor I got to eat chewed up cereal and milk and Tabasco sauce and ketchup and throw it up on Dan on Dan actually And I got to take heroin for the first time not to be the last But it's no, that's not true Tell the truth, but he did actually use a real needle We had a prop needle, but he accidentally picked up the real needle one time and almost stuck it in him I was like and because he had Dan would always slap it out of his hand I was just so scared that you were gonna needle up and they call that the hero needle now It's a yes. I thought it was heroin. No, it's in here. Hey, you're a man Anyway, I'm on heroin right now.
I'm sorry. This is really overwhelming for me.
He's really hot Yeah, like to the touch |
dropout | women_almost_having_it_all_compilation | Hey boys, how's it going fellas? We're here to talk to you about our bodies.
More specifically, what goes on during that time of the month. You know, when anti-flow comes to visit, when the old red ribbon is hanging on the door. Shock week, the blob riding the cotton pony to blood town.
Our periods! Because they're really not that big of a deal. Here are some facts. From adolescence until middle age, the majority of women have their period once a month. The bleeding generally lasts for between three to five days and produces about this much blood per hour. Fine, right? Literally, every woman you know does this. Periods are a totally healthy, normal thing.
In fact, the only threat to a woman's health during their period is that all the blood in the toilet will attract snakes and alligators that live in the sewers up the pipes. And this honestly happens so often that you just get used to it. That's why women go to the bathroom in groups, to fight off the gators. It's also why our purses are so big. Biologically, women menstruate because instead of having a liver or kidneys, we each have a powerful demon that lives inside of us. That's why we can't drink as much as you boys. The demon lives on blood, so we drain ourselves of it monthly so it can't get too powerful and plunge the world into a terrible hellscape of our own making. The demon lets our bodies know when we have to start bleeding by giving us cramps and making a super grumpy fit just like a couple days. It's totally natural, so get used to it.
Here's some myths that you may have been told. Myth. You can't have sex on your period. Not true. You just have to be careful of the teeth. Myth. Tampons make you lose your virginity. The only thing that makes you lose your virginity is sex. This is just a thing to stop the blood that would otherwise pour out of us so fast that we'd be floating off the ground like a ball in a fountain. Myth. Period blood can be used to stop forest fires. This isn't true.
You're thinking of water. So dudes, now that you have all the facts, let's just chill out with all of the period comments. Because it's totally natural, and it's totally normal. And it happens to me.
And me.
And it's not going to stop just because you hate it. Oh, and one more thing. Sometimes you shit during your period and the toilet is just like a huge pool of blood and shit just floating around in there together and mixing up like a just a big old tiki cocktail of bodily waste. Oh, yeah, that part of it is pretty gross. What do you got for me, Davies?
Triple homicide. The victim's wounds perfectly match what we saw last month in Columbus. We got a serial killer on our hands. Whoever did this is one sick fuck who wanted to see his victims tortured. When we find this asshole, I'm going to make sure he pays.
She pays. What are you saying, Davies? She pays, Detective. We have strong evidence to suggest the killer is a woman. Really? Surveillance footage clearly shows a female figure. Shit.
Yeah, now we have a lot of work to do. Do you think maybe we should head back?
You're the goddamn coolest lady in the world. I'm sorry, Detective. I know, I know. It's terrible what she did, but it's just kind of like, damn. You go, girl.
What?
Serial killing is such a male-dominated field. What a serious blow to that glass ceiling. I don't think that that's what we should be focusing on now. I know.
What she did is unforgivable. She must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Why are you smiling, Detective? Sorry, it's just I've been waiting my whole career for this.
This is very inspiring for little girls everywhere. A serial killer is not a good role model for children.
No. Of course not.
She's a psychopath. She needs to be locked up.
Yes, definitely. Can you imagine the movie they're going to make about her one day? Oh my god, I hope they get Jennifer Lawrence to play me.
15 totally innocent men die. Do you have no sympathy for the victims of their men?
Of course I do. God, I'm not going to be able to sleep until she's caught.
But just like, come on, totally innocent? Yeah, right. What does that mean? I just mean they're men. You know, how innocent are they? Detective! Never mind. Look, you're right.
This is a horrific crime. It's indefensible. Not a single one of those men deserve this.
Yes. Now we have work to do. But this is great. What? Not as an act, but for women. I mean, we're really breaking through barriers right now.
Detective. You're a disturbed person. We need to find this monster as quickly as possible.
But how many female serial killers can you name? Because I can only name like two.
Do I need to remind you that she hung her victims up from the ceiling with their intestines? That is the most villainous thing I have ever heard in my entire life. But wow. I mean, can you imagine the upper body strength she has to lift up these men? We have a job to do. You are enjoying this way too much. Look, I fully grasp how appalling she is. But damn it, Davies. I'd be lying if I said I didn't dream of a world where both men and women were constantly afraid, and not just women.
Detective, we have her on the line. You better talk to us. Wait, a woman lead detective?
Yeah. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you noticed. You go, girl. Thank you, Rekha. That was a very cute presentation. OK. You know what?
My presentation was many things. It was comprehensive. It was well-researched. It was thoughtful.
But one thing it wasn't was cute. I mean, I doubt you would use that word to describe any of the big men in here's work. So if you could refrain from using that word to describe my work, I would appreciate it. Thank you. Did that sound OK? Was I naggy or like bitchy? Maybe I didn't mean anything by cute.
I don't know. Know what? No.
I will not apologize. Women always have to apologize, and I'm not sorry. I'm a little sorry. I don't like yelling. It makes me feel bad.
But if I don't, who will? I'm leaning in. I'm taking up space. This is a strong woman thing to do.
Really, is it? I don't know. It might just be the male version of what a strong woman thing to do is. I don't know. Do you?
I just want to be like chill. But I don't want to be chill. The time for chillness is over. I feel like I've been talking for a really long time.
Can someone please stop me? Don't stop me. Can someone please stop me?
I think that's true. No, no, no. You don't get to talk for me. I didn't mean to take that out on you. It's just a lifetime of microaggressions. It just builds up, and it's not fair to lash out here. But you know what? You wouldn't know the difference between fair and unfair, would you? Because you're a big, stinky man.
Yeah, I said it. Oh, that wasn't cold for her. It's, I recognize that you use your power to amplify the voices of women. I think that's great, and I thank you for it. But no, thank you.
Okay, I'm leaving. Well, I don't have a thing left to say. But I left my stuff here, and I'm gonna grab it, okay? Before I forget, say goodbye to this. Am I gonna get fired?
You know what? I don't care. I don't like this company anyway. Although I'm sure most companies are like this, so like.
I don't know what to do right now. Honestly, please don't fire me. Nothing seems to be right. Do I stand up for myself, or do I ignore myself? I really don't think there's any way that I could win.
Ah! Wait, I've changed my mind. If I'm not here, then that's one less woman in the workplace. I'm sorry that I called your presentation on 2018's line of kitten calendars cute. I accept and reject your apology.
Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Hey-o! Genius! All right! This is the smarty pants now. |
TheOnion | Purity_Of_War_Marred_By_One_Bad_Apple_In_Afghanistan | The purity of war is ruined by one bad apple in Afghanistan. Ray Ban is a little unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses, and a report shows the closing of state aviary facilities has put hundreds of mentally ill birds on the streets. Keep moving and don't look back. It's too late for me now. This is The Onion Week in Review.
According to sources, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana spontaneously formed thousands of perfectly uniform rows throughout the state Monday morning and established a collective consciousness. Saying, we are Indiana, the new hive mind talked and moved in unison with citizens working together to build a massive geometric superstructure in downtown Indianapolis where they would gather to sleep, breed and feed. All horns for Indiana. The collective state went on to report that soon Ohio, Illinois, Michigan, Kentucky and Canada would all become Indiana.
Persons close to Phoenix area friends Jake Welter and Mike Seflon confirmed Friday that the two men are absolutely incapable of greeting each other like normal human beings. Sources say the two full grown men simply cannot walk into a room and shake each other's hands, relying instead on elaborate dances, forced pop culture references and extended fake fighting. Neither Welter nor Seflon was available for comment as they were busy pretending to rip each other's faces off.
Sources are confirming your dog died earlier today and we're all really sorry you had to find out about it like this buddy. Though it's a lousy thing to have to learn from an online web video and even shittier to hear from a cold, hardened newsman's voice that you can't put a face to, your pet passed away in his sleep while you went out today and we understand how shocked you must be right now. This is slightly outside of my purview and it's probably not even my place to say, but yes, your dog did pass away. Once again, really sorry that you had to find out about it like this. Sources added that there are many local shelters with animals in need of a good home, though we understand that no dog can ever truly replace the one you just lost. I lost a dog once, but my mom was the one who told me about it and she was quite the comfort. In this week's op-ed pages, Pantene CEO Marcus Russo laments feeling like the only one who gives a shit about rich, lustrous hair. In other news, a study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, a man who just assembled a desk is unsure how he has every screw left over, and Jeff Beck is lured into a dark alley with the old guitar pick on a string trick. There is no more news to review. There is only Indiana. For more, visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat. |
ClickHole | how_to_compliment_jeremy_renner_on_facebook_video_tutorial | Hey guys, today I'm going to teach you how to compliment Jeremy Renner on Facebook. Jeremy's a great actor and it is right to compliment him.
Now the first thing that we're going to want to do is log into Facebook and find Jeremy Renner's page. So just type his name in the search bar, it'll pop right up. Alright, so the next thing you're going to want to do is find the most recent post.
Here we go. And now we're going to want to use the comments section on this post to leave Jeremy Renner a nice compliment. And another one right here. Great! Now another good way to compliment Jeremy is to say nice things about his physical appearance. So to do that, simply find a post on Jeremy Renner's Facebook page and leave a comment that really makes him feel good about his body. This one right here. Click in that comment field. Now you're also able to edit your comments if you feel like you didn't quite nail it on the first try. So we're going to edit this one here, you can change the words around to really speak from the heart. So I'm going to try again here with an even better compliment. Excellent!
And now these compliments are really going to make Jeremy feel really good and handsome. Now a lot of fans like to add visual compliments, but unfortunately Jeremy's Facebook page does not allow fans to post pictures.
So we're going to need to get a little creative. Head back to your Facebook page and we're going to post our visual compliments to your own wall. So we're going to drag a picture in here.
Just make sure to tag at Jeremy Renner to make sure he sees them. Excellent! And click post here and this will be sent right to Jeremy. That's looking good. I have another one here, another visual compliment, because who better to compliment Jeremy Renner than Jeremy Renner himself? So I'm going to drag this one here again, add the tag, add Jeremy Renner. When that finishes loading, click post. That one's looking great too. Alright and now the last thing we're going to want to do today is compliment Jeremy on the fact that he was nominated for not one, but two Academy Awards. That's very impressive. So I've prepared an image here, complimenting Jeremy on his two Oscar nominations. Again, add that tag, make sure Jeremy sees it, and click post. We can just leave that there for Jeremy Renner to look at and he's going to feel very proud of everything he's accomplished.
So those are just some suggestions for you to get started complimenting Jeremy Renner on Facebook. Once you've mastered the basics, feel free to get creative and add some personal touches to your Renner compliments. I'd love to see what you guys are complimenting Jeremy on. Please add them in the comments below and as always, make sure to tag at Jeremy Renner.
See you next time guys! |
cracked | one_direction_zayn_malik_omg_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another I have been doing a little video editing here and a lot of catching up on the news about One Direction and Zayn Malik a name I had to look up as soon as my friend star gets here we can get it Hey, hey, hey, there she is. My friend star is here I'm gonna take a break from the editing and get into the digging into what's going on One Direction and you said something was wrong with the after hours Drawings star is an amazing illustrator. She has a lot of work for cracked and for after hours and other series and today We're doing a little bit of work on One Direction we're gonna find out what's going on with Zayn Malik leaving the group from somebody who knows cuz it's not me Star take it away. What what's going on with Zayn? What's happening?
I Don't I don't know. I don't know anything about One Direction.
This is so am I working here tonight? I think if we dig into it enough, you know, it is work and it's just according to my research According to my research Zayn wants to be a solo act and if you want to just take it from there It's a boy then and you're a adult woman This is all this is is a One Direction thing I mean you're talking about like it's kind of small thing I think it's very big thing that and there is so much money seriously if we put One Direction in a title like Oh the cliques. Oh the witches police teens Love this love this group making a buck off them Zayn what Zayn doing is a thing people want to hear. Is that a real name? Yeah, Zayn Jabhat Malik. It's his name, but I read that somewhere Because I figured we could we could get rich. Are you like you want me to be here for this thing? Yes, I do.
I could listen to like a couple songs. I mean They're boy Ben. They probably don't they have like one album or something four albums The last one is called for it's like Led Zeppelin but But but better in many ways is what someone is what some not said on the internet obviously I like Led Zeppelin a whole lot and guitars if I listen to what's the one is a baby the one is that one I don't know Start he's not even the same he's Canadian and he does not treat people well and he does not have The kind of if you've seen the story of my life that video like you see their sisters and their mothers and their with people in their lives So I watched it on Vivo to cash in today. It was the first time I seen it. It was pretty boring as a thing I think you have a crush on them. That's okay What that's that's perfectly fine. I'm sure would have a crush on all of them. I'm sure I'm sure they're so different from each other This person like a big deal for you personally this name zine Zane zane you're tearing up like you Like I and I that seems there's some salt. I had some salty food today a lot of salty food today Um, the internet sees One Direction and they're like boom. That's the only reason I wouldn't know I wouldn't know anything about them So you've been all this information if not for the money.
Just google this. Yeah, I just looked it up No, but don't look at it. Don't what is that? It's nothing. It's that don't don't Man how did that get on there?
I am a total bro. I'm a total dude.
I don't like it. I don't like boy stuff It's totally okay.
Oh my god. Oh gosh Thank you guys so much for watching this totally cash-in Manipulative just episode about a thing we don't care about and and zane you're the most normal when you're so down to earth If you could just please come back Guys, thank you so much for watching. Also a big thanks to star for being in this She really did go out of her way You can see more of stars art at candy comics comm that is candy with an eye And I just want to thank you again for already subscribing to this channel Unless you don't unless you don't |
cracked | why_parents_who_over_share_on_social_media_ruin_their_kids | Hey, new parents online, your baby is adorable, and I love that picture video blog post you posted about them. It's pretty weird that I said that, right? You know, because I don't know you, but guess what? You posted that thing, which means it's not just me who can say that about your baby. Now, don't get me wrong, I think social media is fun, and pictures of babies are wonderful additions to a pretty hate-filled internet. But before you post that thing about your baby, think to yourself, is that what your baby would want online 10 years from now? Hi, I'm Carmen, and I'm here to tell you, on behalf of Babies Everywhere, why you've got to stop sharenting.
Sharents, for those who do not know, are parents who post lots of information about their families and kids online, which, based off recent studies, is more than half of mothers and a third of fathers today. Now, I get why parents are doing it, you know, sharing online makes us feel like we're never alone, and parenting can be tough, you know, support is necessary. But, based on research at the University of Michigan's Department of Pediatrics, by the time children are old enough to use social media themselves, many already have a digital identity created for them by their parents.
That's messed up. That would be like someone else creating your Facebook profile before you even knew you signed up. In fact, it literally is that. That is not fair.
I don't want someone to write my favorite food is cupcakes when it actually is guacamole. I get to fill that questionnaire out. Now, maybe you haven't made their social media profile, but what about, you know, sharing stories and anecdotes on your blog or Facebook? Well, that's not your story to tell. You know how job hunters can look up our Facebooks and see our drunken photos from that very regrettable birthday party where you may or may not have been a little too drunk on tequila and then shown people at the coffee shop next morning your runway walk because you might have, you know, still been drunk. You know, and that happens when you're an adult. So think of all the dumb things you did as a kid that you would never want employers or colleges or that guy or girl you like to ever know about.
In a recent study of parents with children ages zero to four years old, it found that 28% of parents discussed their children's sleep habits, while 26% discussed their kids' eating habits, and 19% asked other parents' advice on discipline, all online. Perhaps you've even seen a little trend of people posting their kids being publicly disciplined online? Come on! Not only are you making it easier for your child to be bullied by other kids and strangers online, but you are bullying your kids! But maybe, you know, you are publicly celebrating your kids for being a unique individual. You know, like these good sold parents. But you're still putting your kid in the limelight on the internet without getting their full permission.
Let's face it, no matter how cute the video, there are mean commenters out there. Trust me. I know. They probably commented on this video. So why not save that video for when your kid is a teen and they can honestly say, yeah mom and dad, post that online. I don't mind. But I'm warning you, they probably won't.
Now maybe you're saying, well what about just fun photos of my kid holding a bunny? I mean, fun photos are neat.
But, based on research from the European Cyber Crime Center, parents and caregivers should be very aware of cyber security, cyber safety when posting images of their children online. Images taken with digital devices, like phone, many of digital cameras, can contain hidden metadata. So data like the time the photo was taken, where the photo was taken, what device the photo was taken on, et cetera, can be found in the photo.
Ew. If you want to keep posting photos, definitely be sure to turn off the location settings on your phone and update your privacy settings as much as possible. But more importantly, be considerate of your child. Your parents had photos in their wallets that embarrassed you. Your kids have an online profile. Just be aware of what you share and post about them, because it's their life too. And besides, you don't want to use up all their awesome Throwback Thursday photos before they can use them.
I really like Bose. Like to Bose. I don't like. I mean, they're cool. You know. I like Bose.
Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for watching that video. Make sure you like and subscribe. And if you'd like to see more from Carmen and me and Alex Schmitt and Jack O'Brien, you can come to the UCB Theater on sunset tonight, January 6th at 7 o'clock.
We're doing a live podcast. You can hear us talk. You can ask us questions. We can touch each other's hands and faces and say hi.
You should come on out. It's going to be a home run. You're going to add a, like a fat sound effect, if you do that. Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Boycotts_5G_Housing_Bubble_and_the_NRL_22_05_20 | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Bulletin on Desert Rock FM. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooter Advocate, of course Errol Parker, editor-at-large. You've got all three of us this week. It's the Weekly. How are you, Errol?
Very good, Clancy. I hear you had a big night last night. Yeah, big night. Yeah, yeah, I was drinking this Mexican liquor, clear liquor with a worm in it. It sent me M.A.D., that's for sure.
Well, just as long as it wasn't Corona, mate. Nah, it wasn't Corona.
Righto, let's get into it. First up, some national news, and Australia's ambassador to China has warned that the country might boycott the Bao Ding billy cart, which is also known as the Great Wall, I believe. Yes, it's arguably the shittest car on our roads, but the diplomats are hoping it will send a strong message to China in its growing international row. Hopefully even stronger than Peter Dutton's decision to boycott his local sushi joint and big Georgie Christensen throwing peanuts from the back. China has, of course, put a huge tariff on barley and a temporary ban on Australian beef and is looking at potentially flexing on one of our biggest exports in the shape of iron ore. I don't know about you, Clancy, but I reckon this blow-up with one of our biggest trading partners is definitely going to be worth a few cheap political shots moving forward. Yes, it's working for those who have been quite vocal. I'm sure Morrison is starting to understand that in tough times he probably doesn't have the most supportive coalition government surrounding him. Lot of people speaking out of school, but at least we've got that curve flattened. Yeah, indeed. Maybe someone needs to distract him with an Australia Day debate or a radical Islam issue.
Next up, and another story from the national arena now, there's been heartbreaking scenes as hundreds of unemployed pokies have been spotted sleeping rough. Yes, it's a truly awful story, this one. These poor little pokies who've spent their entire lives preying on problem gamblers have now taken up residence in a park down in Batutah's old city district. Yes, they've already been moved on numerous times by the local police. It's all a result of Australian families diverting over a billion dollars of essential poker machine support into such discretionary areas as rent, utility bills and the purchase of groceries. Not good news for the aristocrat.
Let's just hope the pubs open soon. Here, here, and onto some interesting science news now. The 1918 Spanish flu outbreak has been linked to the 5G telegram network.
Yes, where was this report written, Wendell? Was this Mullumbimby, Byron Bay, maybe Mossman? Where is this coming from, Noosa? Noosaville.
It's actually come from the internet, and the lead researcher on this report, he explained to us the virus started in late 1916 in France. Now France had adopted the electric telegraph in 1846, so if you allow a 70 year gestation period, it all fits. Now get this, in 1850, a telegraph cable was laid from Calais to Dover, connecting France to England, and since the first transatlantic telegraph cable was laid in 1866, it allowed Spanish flu to quickly travel from there to the United States, where it wreaked havoc in 1918.
See? What do you think? I reckon the Rockefeller family had a bit to do with it too, you know, the early steel barons of America. Very similar roles to the Gates Foundation, the Rockefellers. Yeah. Yeah, let's hope they look into that.
And onto some local news now, a smug millennial couple who brought property with parental help are not so smug anymore, it can be revealed. A lot of humble pie potentially coming up for our nation's homeowners as predictions grow stronger and stronger that this property bubble is going to burst big time. Yeah, that's what they're all saying, there's been calls for the government to step in and make sure that doesn't happen, with homeowners saying they should have legislation there to protect their investments no matter what. The Property Council of Australia is saying new homeowners should be given $50,000 with their purchase.
And wrapping up with sports news now, Star Casino is preparing for major losses after the entirety of the NRL developed autism from their flu shots. Yes, after months of heavily Botox bogrins politicising the lives of people with autism to create fear around vaccinations, Star Casino are now making plans to place limits on the amount of NRL players in their venue at any time. This comes after the Instagram charge stigmatisation and dehumanisation of autistic people was debunked with a range of NRL players contracting autism last week. Roosters prop Jared Warrior Hargraves was able to accurately sketch the entire Sydney CBD street by street after only one helicopter ride that of course came after his flu shot.
I believe Dylan Nappa has since become a chess champion and he will be representing Australia in Russia later this year if it all goes ahead. And we've also heard unconfirmed reports that after Boyd Cordner was vaccinated he has since learned to read. Unprecedented. A truly incredible story and a heartwarming one to finish on. Because that is all from us here at The Poterter Advocate. Thanks for tuning in and we'll be back again next week with a wrap up of all of the biggest stories from the Week in News. |
dropout | hardly_working_family_guy | What's really the difference between an impression and an impersonation? Well, an impersonation is when you're impersonating a person.
Alright, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hey Sam, don't you do a really good Family Guy impression? Ugh, yeah. Oh, come on, come on, you have to. You have to do it.
I'm not about to sink to the low form of comedy that is impersonations. What do I look like a Catskills comedian?
All of us here at Family Guy would like to wish you a Happy Christmas. Or a Happy Jew Christmas, depending on your religion. Yay! You know what I love about Family Guy?
Is all those falls that... Yeah, one friend they're like this, and then boom, it's totally horizontal.
Sam, can you do that? No, but I can do Brian. Peter, it's seven o'clock and your pants are on.
What's the... Oh my god! That was amazing. Oh my god, just like the show. Ow. What other voices can you do?
Brad, how's that novel you've been booking on? You've been booking on there for about three years? Some friends become enemies of...
Yes! That was so good! That was awesome. Great, do another. Giggity giggity. Giggity giddy. Yay!
Do you guys like my impressions? Do Tom Tucker! Do it. Hello, I'm Tom... That's one yet. Hey guys, I do Cleveland. Oh wow, let's hear it. Hey Peter, that's nasty. That's pretty good. Thank you, thank you.
Oh, come on. I wasn't even doing an impression that time. Still funny though. Argh. |
dropout | drunk_girl_therapist_2 | After our second child, John and I haven't been intimate in months. It's been a while since I felt sexy. I don't say this to just anyone, but you're like hot as hell. Thank you. I would kill it if I had your tits. I'm very kind, but I...
Shit. Sorry, shit. Sorry. I swear I had it on, baby. This is a mess. Oh my god, fuck.
I love this song. Just gonna say it every morning. The love keeps me. Whatever, this is my work phone.
I thought maybe if I bought some lingerie, you know, it might make me feel a little bit better. Honestly, you could be a model. Every guy here is scamming on you. If I was a dude, I'd rape you.
Like, in a respectful way. I'm not that bad. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm not drunk. Are you sure you should be doing that? I got it. I'm gonna get drunk. Sorry, cumber. The problem is, society's perception of beauty is limited and doesn't include the beauty of aging naturally and comfortably.
One of my never have I never. Okay, I'll start. Never have I never paid right now. Never. |
cracked | better_versions_of_your_favorite_movies_and_shows_yboc_harry_potter_firefly_walking_dead | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, and you're watching your Brain on Cracked, the only show on Cracked that's basically Star Wars because it's also mostly shot in front of a green screen and stars mainly white people. And speaking of alternatives to famous media that you're getting tired of, in this episode we're discussing... the thing I just said. First, let's clarify what I mean exactly. Some of you may remember the 2018 sci-fi thriller Upgrade that tells the story of a man attacked by a group of psychopaths who totally Christopher Nolan his wife and paralyze him from the neck down, but then he gets an AI chip and plant it in him which allows him to walk around and do cool martial arts shit because science rocks. The chip also talks to him and together they go on a brutal revenge spree like a less erotic more serious version of Venom. Then the film later blurs the line between the AI's will and the dude's consciousness making it one of the best, most erotic, Robocop films ever made. And that's what I'm talking about here. Famous franchises whose main themes can be found in other, often superior stories that by sheer coincidence all happen to be TV shows.
It's also just an excuse to point out things that are cool, like Upgrade. Seriously, go watch Upgrade, it's cool.
It's possible for two seemingly opposite things to exist at the same time, like bad people and their good art, or me and fucking Dave. By all accounts, Joss Whedon is a bad dude with numerous accusations suggesting the once-geek king creates whole new calibers of toxic and casually cruel work environments. For example, a writer for Firefly once claimed that Whedon liked to brag about the time he made a staffer cry twice during the same meeting, but him being a shithead does not suddenly make his work shitty. Case in point, Firefly has been off the air for about 20 years and there are still people out there praying to a Nathan Fillion poster that somebody less dickish will revive the show. And they also wonder, in their weaker moments, will Nathan ever lift the restraining order on them for sending him all that erotic artwork of Malcolm Reynolds?
Should have made the penis bigger! Stupid, Jordan! STOP!
One of the reasons people still pine harder for Firefly than the Canadian wilderness is because the show introduced so many compelling questions. Will the stark divide between poorer and richer planets escalate into a new civil war? Will the brown coat rebels win this time?
How the heck DO you eat a nice planet? My food is problematic. Unfortunately, we may never get those answers, but we can get the next best thing.
A show that's kind of like Firefly, only with vaster worldbuilding and entirely devoid of asshole creators. Appropriately, it's called The Expanse, referring to both the show scope and the size of Joss Whedon's butthole. Probably. Yeah. Originally airing on sci-fi before moving to Amazon Prime, The Expanse has many familiar elements. It's the future, the solar system has been colonized, and even future Baltimore makes a convincing setting for the wire.
Press the club collage! Get your club collage!
More importantly, there's also a Firefly-esque interplanetary war brewing. The three major players are Resource Rich Earth, Militaristic Mars, and the red-headed, rented step-fuel of the system which supplies most planets with vital resources, the asteroid belt. This is going to be very tedious if you remain this dim. Most everyone looks down on the poor blue-collar belters who, due to toiling away in zero gravity, develop emaciated bodies and such fragile bones that exposing a belter to Earth's gravity is known as gravity torture, the show's extremely unsubtle version of waterboarding. All you have to do to make it stop is fuck. So the belters are the equivalent of Firefly's heroic underdog browncoat-independent spiders, right? Haha, no. That's the beauty of The Expanse. No one group is the clear good guy. Earth is controlled by a brave New World-esque UN, Mars is a borderline fascist superpower, and many of those who claim to speak for the belt are pirates and terrorists. They're all like, ooh, I'm from the belt! And that makes me a monster. The belters are definitely underdogs, but that does not automatically make them heroes even if their cause is good, the creation of an independent belter homeworld where they can have full access to air, water, and apparently clove collage, the weird dish possibly made from ant-stuffed anteaters from The Simpsons, which made a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo appearance on The Expanse this season 5 episode churn.
It's a drop-a-lock. Ahhh!
And yeah, Firefly is a space western while The Expanse is more of a political war drama, but it retains a familiar Wild West frontier feel for certain characters and adventures. Speaking of, similarly to Firefly, the crew of the Rasenante, nobody's who find themselves in the middle of a system-spanning conflict, have a touching, if dysfunctional family dynamic. It's hard enough for one husband to f**k my s**t. Add to that the presence of a bunch of rusted, broken machinery that makes the world look lived in, and you get an awesome show, more than capable of scratching that Firefly itch. And if you have a problem with The Expanse, you have a problem with me!
It's one of my favorite shows the last however many years I've been alive when you happen to watch this video. And also, speaking of that offhand Canadian forestry joke I made like three minutes ago... The Small Town Show is an entire broad genre unto itself. You have serious soapy productions like Friday Night Lights, focused on the importance of sports in a town with little else, or Fargo hell-bent on destroying the myth of the perfect American small town, and uncovering the unpleasant realities of living in a place where your choice of coffee is limited to yes and no coffees. Then you have comedies like My Name is Earl or Parks and Rec that tackle the topic of small towns with the ensemble cast of wacky townspeople regularly making huge deals out of tiny inconsequential problems because what else should I do around these powers? I appreciate your offer, but you're not cutting off your pinky toe. And yet all of these shows pale in comparison to the Canadian small town comedy, Letter Kenny, which combines all of these disparate flavors in one delicious gumbo of hilarity and poignancy.
Do they eat gumbo in Canada? Maybe it's like a moose soup? How about this? To prove that I do know a lot about Canada, I'll do this next section with a Canadian accent. Eh? Speaking with a wee bit of an accent, then?
Well, each episode of Letter Kenny opens with a text. There are 5,000 people in Letter Kenny, and these are their problems. And true to what some handsome devil said a moment ago, some of those problems are the opposite of problems. They're smellborp. But the main characters, a group of Canadian farmers and their friends and family, always manage to find a way to make any tiny slight into a whole big thing. Like when they crusade against a golf course trying to control the local goose population.
You don't fuck with motherhood.
Eh? Sports also play a massive role in Letter Kenny, with entire episodes focused on huge conflict centered around, of course, hockey, because Canada's friendliness is directly proportional to their ability to purge themselves by strapping on knife-shoes and cracking each other's skulls with sticks. Eh?
Shit! Seriously!
Google Letter Kenny quotes and you'll find hundreds of pish you marshmallow holder lines! At the same time, though, there's a sutter more serious side to Letter Kenny. A big part of life in the town of Letter Kenny is drugs, but the show never gets preachy. They're just there, because oftentimes motor life in a small town comes with quite oppressiveness that people may try to briefly escape through illicit substances. It's just a part of life in Letter Kenny and thousands of other places like it. Hell, one of the show's main characters, the lovably huggable Squarely Dan, used to do coke like an industrial vacuum cleaner. You name the kind of coke an object in a place and he snorted it off it at it.
And it turned out okay. I mean, it was just something he had to go through, but again, there's no lesson here about the time he hoovered Sneeze. This all barely scratches the surface of Letter Kenny, but the point is, it's a refreshingly realistic portrayal of something millions of North Americans lived with. It's something the rest of us could stand to learn more about.
Hell, I'm recording this video about a hundred feet from a bunch of frickin' gals in Virginia. I've never done any cocaine, but never say never. If not, the nails of Letter Kenny will make you laugh your ass off and safely experience life in a small town without actually having a living one, which I can say from experience is a damn public service on Letter Kenny's pod. Just be warned that this section is fucked.
To be fair.
American. J.K. Rowling's weird ass fixation on what's inside everybody's pants is single-handedly succeeding where Voldemort and his army of magic Nazis failed, you know, actually kind of killing Harry Potter. And not that anybody asked, but mine are filled with emergency marshmallows. But if you're jonesing for more magical kid stories, there are plenty of superior TV alternatives to Harry Potter out there, like the sci-fi series The Magicians, based on the 2009 novel of the same name by Lev Grossman. First, this is a safe space, and it's okay to admit that Harry Potter himself is blander than air-flavored water. He's like most blank slate main characters written to be generic enough that anybody could pretend that they too could be one day living under a staircase with a wild animal in a dark, squirty secret. Oh yeah, yeah, I've eaten loads of times. But not so with Quentin Coldwater, the protagonist of The Magicians, who actually has a basic personality. Hello darkness, my old friend. Both Harry Potter and The Magicians follow a young person enrolled in a secret magic school learning about a new world and having to deal with a magical big bad. However, The Magicians also has drinking, smoking, and sex, but I won't argue that that is what's missing from Harry Potter, because I'm on enough government watchlists as is. I tried putting it in my p****y if I were you. Quentin is a dork, but not in like the Harry Potter dork way, because old thunderbolt head never really gives people a reason to mistreat him in the same way that no one should ever feel the need to bully a brick with a face painted on it. And the only reason people do pick on Harry Potter is so everyone can clap for him by the end of each book.
You did it Harry! Oh my god!
Quentin on the other hand struggles to relate to other people because he likes nerdy shit like close-up magic, and he loves a Narnia parody fantasy series, and he's very emotional and very depressed. You have friends don't you? As he enters adulthood, he fears the hobbies he's kept closest to his heart are not adult enough to be accepted by his peers. Duh. On the other hand, Harry's biggest problem in life is that some people might not realize what a special and super awesome boy he is.
He's the kind of guy that if you ask what his favorite band was, he'd probably short circuit for a minute and go, oh yes, I enjoy human music. I mean, normal music, rock music, Queen's band, yes, and royalty, look under it. I love bands. Human music. I like it.
Quentin's whole personality might seem like your standard beleaguered nerd traits, but you go a long way towards establishing him as a protagonist who feels like a real breathing person. And that already puts the magicians miles above Harry Potter, and hey, you know what else is miles above? The sky. Which effortlessly brings us to... The Walking Dead initially did a great job keeping zombies more as background props and focusing on how humans are the real monsters.
Ah. No. Ah.
And look, I get Walking Dead is about the darkness of the human soul and other phrases you might find in a book report written by a sophomore high schooler whose blood has been replaced with monster energy, but at one point, the people of the Walking Dead became too monstrous and backstabby. I am going to beat the holy fuck, fucking fuckity, fuck out of one of you.
That's a cheap way to create drama because it's not how humans operate. People instinctively work together when metaphorical sewage pipes bust at the allegorical fan factory located right next to the white sheets of symbolism. You can still find great stories in that setup. Just look at the TNT show, Falling Skies.
There the global population decimating apocalypse was caused not by the undead, but by an ailing invasion. And while some humans took that opportunity to live out their wildest Mad Max fantasies, the majority of the survivors banded together to fight back. They created cells of mobile cities centered around militia units of fighters protecting a civilian population, with the two groups always butting heads. The soldiers understandably see themselves as more important, since they were the ones actually out there risking their lives and fighting the space invaders. But on the other hand, the civilians are comprised of families and teachers and people that are going to be valuable custodians of human culture and a chance for things returning to normal once the threat has passed. But despite these tensions, both groups never start murdering and eating each other, except maybe out, because fear and despair are powerful aphrodisiacs.
When you are in the most painful, dire situation, what kind of person are you? Are you someone who gets up and fuck?
That's why all of my wife's and my date nights happen at a haunted Arby's. They have the meats. So do I. Yes, yes. I have children.
Falling Skies also has more focus, not only more meats, but more focus. With no blinds stumbling around all over the map just trying to survive, everybody has a specific goal they're working towards, defeating the aliens. We also get to learn a lot more about the lethal ETs as time goes on, with the show taking the time to do some really cool worldbuilding, giving us just enough to build a distinctive identity but knowing where to leave things out so we can fill in some of the blanks ourselves. In comparison, The Walking Dead will probably answer the question of why people started turning into zombies with a smug, who are you, the plot please? The cause of zombieism is whatever's in your heart.
Look, here's the guy sitting on a tiger, leave me alone. Oh, here kid, here kid. So, yeah, I've been Jordan Breeding, and I don't know how to end this episode, so... |
TheOnion | dr_good_s_ultimate_shot_giveaway_dr_good_ep_3 | Tomorrow on Dr. Good, it's a celebration of life as Dr. Good grants his fans dying wishes to pass away on the show. Give it up for their lives. These were great people. You won't want to miss these final moments. Call it. Time of death. 10.43 AM. Touch your candle to mine and it will start with an amazing end to an amazing life right here on Dr. Good. It's an end of life exclusive only on Dr. Good. That about wraps it up for us today.
I want to thank Dr. Ayak, the wandering nomadic foot doctor for joining us. Amazing stuff Dr. Ayak. He tore down that woman's foot and is still taking the time to painstakingly rebuild it from scratch for her. Amazing.
Up, up, up. Don't you guys start leaving yet? We still have one more special thing in store for you. Are you excited? I can't hear you. I said, are you excited? Well, you should be because you lucky ducks just hit the jackpot today.
Who wants some shots? Everybody's getting shots in the arm, in the neck, in the chest, right in the chest. All these shots are provided by Pfizer and my exclusive line of Dr. Good select injections. Tell your doctor inject. Today I got to give some shots of my own. Have a great day everyone and remember as always, I have decided you will live. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Inner_City_Lefties_Statues_Americans_Threaten_To_Vote_19_06_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and of course editor at large.
How are you, Errol? Good, mate. Slum at sea. I'm good to see you. And Wendell Hussey, our millennial, borderline Gen Z news reader. How are you, mate? Very well, Clancy. It's a pleasure to be here. How are you? Good, good.
You playing up on TikTok and all that shit? Some good stuff on that TikTok, yeah, you should get around it. Why don't you kick us off, man, go ahead. Righto, we'll start off with some big local news that has national ramifications.
Another controversial slave master has been thrown into the river by protesters. Yes, incredible story, this one. A group of activists somehow managed to lift the Nike outlet off the ground down there in Batutah's French Quarter and throw it into our city's canal. Yes, of course, Nike is one of the most notorious slave masters in the history of mankind. And given our lack of traditional statues here in the Diamantina, the activists decided to take one of the giants of exploitation and the pioneers of sweatshops and erase that from our town. Yeah, it was quite a scene.
Nike are still trying to fish that outlet store out of the water, but their attempts continue to get sabotaged, so they might have to leave it in there for a little while until that stops. News from down south towards the other end of the country now and a group of young blokes in Blackpuffer vests are still standing guard around John Howard's statue. Well, they didn't do a very good job, did they, because Johnny Howard's little statue was defiled by the rabid left over the weekend. They mustn't have had any unionized workers there to do the job for them. So there was a weak point and the protesters got through. Yes, obviously someone must have distracted them with a little stock tip because Johnny and little Tony got fucking defiled with red paint. And these blokes have apparently promised their dads it won't happen again.
There was a comment on that one from John Smith saying they were just a group of 270 month olds wearing RM Williams twirling around mum's 2010 Mercedes keys in their fingers. Very specific from you, John Smith.
Now staying on the big issues and an inner city lefty has revealed that she's worried the Black Lives Matter campaign is starting to overshadow the importance of keep cups. You wrote this one, Clancy. Yes, after three weeks of global protests against the systemic racism shown towards people of color by law enforcement and the courts right around the world, local campaign organizer Claudia Wyatt-Power says she's starting to wonder if other important movements are getting drowned out like keep cups and recycling. Yeah, she said she hasn't seen too many keep cups out and about since this whole thing started. And while she fully supports the movement, she says it's important that we don't lose perspective.
Moving on to some international news and it's been revealed that Americans are so mad they might even consider thinking about possibly voting. Yes, well over there in the developing world, you don't actually have to vote if you don't want to because as we saw in the 2016 presidential elections, a mere 58% of eligible voters bothered to even vote. That's possibly because nobody seriously believed the winner could be someone who at the time was famous firing people on reality TV and giving Macaulay Culkin directions in Home Alone 2. But apparently after weeks of civil unrest, they are now thinking about putting pens on paper. Let's just hope they aren't African Americans and live in certain suburbs in Atlanta and Alabama where they will not be able to vote outside of midday to 2 p.m. on a workday, which is commonly known as voter suppression and very effective when getting Republican presidents elected. If it plays out like that, finishing on a feel good story now and we wrote an in-focus piece with a resident of our town.
The headline on that one was, bloke who has nothing to offer social media but gym selfies now relevant again. The gyms are back open baby and for someone like Tim Harris, that means his personality is back on display for everyone. Yes, cue the leg day jokes and the protein shaker getting out during all business meetings and Zooms. This story coincided with a piece of research released, revealing that fitness selfies on social media are up 350%. Pyramid scheme nutrients are flying out of the cardboard boxes in the garage again and weights are being thrown onto the floor at record levels around the country.
Terrible. If you go to the gym, wake up to yourself, we're all going to die one day. If you are a young person and you're going to the gym for the sole purpose of trying to prolong your life, just take one look at your fucking super and stop by the news agency on the way home and pick yourself up a 50 pack of cigarettes.
Hear, hear, Errol. Anyway, that's it from us this week. As always, thank you for tuning in. We'll be back again in seven days time with the whole team to deliver you the biggest stories of the week. If you are after more audio updates, make sure you subscribe to the Batutah Advocate Daily News Bulletin and stay up to date with what's happening on a 24 hour basis.
It's goodbye for now. My name's Clancy Overall. Talk to you next time. Wash your hands and don't shit with the door open. Namaste, Errol. Bagu Sakhali. As-Salaam-Alaam. Goodbye. |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Your_Friend_s_Death_Could_Leave_6_8_Quality_Starters_For_Pick_Up | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. If your hands are beaten and brittle, feel free to sample the jojoba and lavender ointment inside the owner's box.
I'm Barry Bigwell and this week we're talking last minute pick up tips as you push toward the playoffs. If you're looking for an extra edge, remember that a friend's death could leave 6-8 quality starters available for your roster. Consider this, although most of the league will assume the deceased lineup is dormant, there are no rules that say his roster shouldn't be released to the waiver wire or at least divvied up among the rest of the league. If you can convince your commissioner to release those players, you could land top tier talent like T.Y. Hilton, Shane Vareen, the Houston defense, and Rob Gronkowski, all players who would go to waste if your dead friend's roster is just left sitting there. Now a lot of people will suggest that someone take over your dead friend's team post-mortem. They'll say that you shouldn't be thinking about fantasy football in a time like this, or they'll try to shut down the league. But it's important that you fight against that at all costs and go after those players.
Stand strong and do not back down. It's not against the rules, it's fair, and I've done nothing wrong. Later, in lieu of flowers, please send donations in Adam Stokol's name to the American Cancer Society. |
dropout | what_is_the_coolest_way_to_murder_someone | The next question is, what is the coolest way to murder someone?
I'm Katie Mervich, and today I'm joined by Rekha Shankar, Adam Conover, and Rafael Chastain. Hello. Rafael, we'll begin with you.
My first answer is, boxing match. I think it would be very cool to kill someone in a boxing match.
You would be very strong, it's in front of a lot of people, totally legal. Even if you died in it, you'd be a martyr, that's pretty cool. And you go out young and healthy and strong.
If you're the murderer, no one can call you a coward for killing someone in a boxing match. Do a lot of murders get called cowards?
All the time, every day it happens. And it's interesting, you both get to be cool. It's a win-win for everyone. I mean, you do die, but... Is it legal? Yeah.
Has it happened in history? Has someone died in a boxing match? It happened in Pulp Fiction. It has happened in movies.
I know the ones. I'm pretty sure it's happened in real life. I'm almost positive. Yeah, did anybody go to jail? It seems like it.
I mean, I can't imagine. Did you do no research for this? No, I didn't. I did zero research.
So are you beating a person to death, or are you somehow doctoring your gloves? In my mind, if you use anything extra, then that's cowardly and no longer cool. It's a totally fair boxing match. It was just you punched so hard that another professional boxer could not take your punch. Yeah, because they would stop you if you punched them for a long time. You'd have to have a single punch that's so powerful, their head evaporates. Yes.
A third level of cool I see is that this person who's the murderer ends up being very good at what they do just by training so hard. Does the other boxer know it's a fight to the death? No, no, no, no, nobody knows it's a fight to the death. Not even the guy who does the killing. If you're the murderer, you punch the person, and you punch them so hard, just their head deflates like an old basketball, and then you're just like, oops, too good at boxing.
And that's your alibi? I didn't know. I was so strong. Adam, please tell us your first idea.
My idea is, poison is cannibal, you, the murderer, take a very, very strong poison with a long half-life. You somehow trick the person into eating your dead body after you die, and then because your flesh is poisoned, they die as a result of eating your poisoned flesh. So two people die? First of all, I feel like it's very fair that if you kill someone, you should die too, because you shouldn't ask someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself. Right. How do you think you could trick someone into eating you? The only idea I've had so far, or the best idea I've had, is that if you were to take the poison and then fall into a big vat, you know what I mean? You take it and you fall backwards into a vat of soup or a krillie? A soup death.
You could kill so many people. So many people. I don't want to kill dozens of people, but you could with this method if you wanted.
But ideally, you'd have a confederate, you know, an accomplice in the soup plant who's going to make one can of that and then throw the rest away, because if you don't want to kill other people. But that's up to you at that point. I think that soup is a cool death, because I imagine the poison doesn't kill you, but the soup being hot can't you? I personally would take a poison that would... I want to take the poison and then be dead before I hit the soup, because I've always heard that boiling is an extraordinarily painful way to die. You could also take the poison and then ask someone to butcher you and chop you up and then prepare you, and then you've got a whole system to be cooked into food. Make a burger out of you.
But that relies on a lot of work from your accomplice. They really have to deal with a lot of mess. That might be emotionally difficult for them, because they probably know you pretty well. I don't think that's very cool to put another person through that.
So that's why, fall back into the soup, and then hopefully it's a beef stew, it's a ropa vieja, perhaps, it's a slow braised soup, so that your body disintegrates. Someone would have to come by with a fork and just sort of pull, you know what I mean, like you do. Just like a pulled pork, exactly.
But that's all that they would have to do. That's so true.
And your clothes would have to be taken out afterwards, but that's no different from a bay leaf. Well, can't you just be naked? Oh, you can be naked. Perfect.
My idea is spiky sunglasses, okay? When you think of cool, I think of those little drawings you made of the sun growing up that had little sunglasses on it, we all did it. You think of rebels, you think of older brothers and things, and they all have sunglasses on in my head. I don't know about your heads. And I think if you want to kill someone and make them look cool, you stick a pair of spikes on the back of their sunglasses.
They put them on. Oh, shit. Do they not see the spikes when they're... No. Oh, they just... Okay. It would lead them to be prescription sunglasses. So by the time they're on, that's when they can see it, but then truly they can't. Oh, my God. Right? They could be a monofilament nano material, so the spikes are so thin that you really only need one needle, and then you put it in and you go, aah!
This would go through your brain. I can't handle the thinking about it.
Yeah, yeah. It is perfect. Yeah, that's...
Because it's so cool. It's so cool.
They'd leave a cool corpse. The last thing they would have done would be they'd probably have said something cool. Just like his goose was cooked.
Yeah! It's definitely some sort of punny sign off, and then everyone around them goes like, fuck, you look so cool. And then the next CSI guy looks like he got too much sunglasses. Blah! Yes! They keep doing it because they keep wanting to look cool, and they're not noticing the pattern of everybody's eyes bleeding.
My first idea is car crash train wreck. There's a high speed chase. You're in one car, your enemies are in the other car. You shoot out all four of their tires, and they're going so fast that they ram into a guard rail, full speed, and they flip, flip, flip over it and down, and they land on train tracks. And a train comes by and just further destroys them.
So they're super dead. Pretty cool.
How do you engineer this as the murderer? It sounds like an accident. It's not an accident. You know the train guy, and you have planned out the exact moment you will shoot those little tires out. Baby, you know how it's, you've done this before. It's a little geometry problem because it's like, okay, it'll tumble down at this angle, at this velocity, it'll reach here at this point.
You're smart, and that's cool. Being good at math is very, very cool. No, it's cool.
If this happened in a movie, that would be the part where we'd be like, oh, like that. When I came up with this, I was just like, what are the coolest things in the universe? And that would be cars, train wrecks, guard rails, and shooting tires. I'm just picturing like a Michael Bay movie.
If you shoot the front tires of the car, it usually causes the back of the car to lift off the ground. So you see the front end goes, and the car like flips over. You ever see that happen for no reason? That's what I want to have happen. I want the car to just flip around a lot.
Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. If you enjoyed it, I have fantastic news.
There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I said go. Okay, fine, stay.
Now, the Ring of Fire blazes in front of you. Oh, there's the Ring of Fire. It's a stunt race. |
SaturdayNightLive | dune_popcorn_bucket_snl | Hey, Rudy. hey. are you gonna be around after school? definitely. cool. me too. Gaby is so cute. seriously, bro? I know. Look, can I tell you guys something? yeah, of course.
So, my parents are going out of town tonight, which means I'm gonna have the house to myself. Wait. does that mean? I think it's gonna happen tonight. for real. I've been ready for this moment for a long, long time. and it's happening tonight.
Been waiting for someone special and now that I found it, it finally feels so right Cause I'm a gentle teenage boy with an innocent heart. But you found a way to touch it. and now that my parents are gone, I'm gonna lose my virginity to the dune popcorn bucket. That hot string's just like a fiddle and I'm not scared of the teeth in the middle.
Dad, I'm sorry. I don't like boys.
I like that dune popcorn bucket bucket bucket. Wait, what? And I don't care about my grades anymore. Just want that dune popcorn bucket.
Makes it feel so good. Giving it up to the shot of the moon around the moon.
Children will buy this that dune popcorn bucket. This is a real thing. Can't wait to see dune-dune eating popcorn out of my bucket. Then I'll take it home and f*** it. |
dropout | internet_bridge_troll | So that's the difference between trail mix and GORP. Aren't there M&Ms too? No, because that would be GORP. Oh, good point.
Guys, look at this bridge, it's huge. Who dares approach my bridge?
Oh my god, it's a troll. A troll? Don't worry guys, I know how to handle this. I assume we'll have to answer your questions 3. Oh, you're an internet troll. What's an internet troll?
I've heard of these. They emerge from Usenet after the Great Flame War of 99. They feed off of negative reactions. We don't want any trouble, good sir.
We're just on our way to get an abortion. A abortion should be for free in one life. Well, that's an extreme stance on what's a very nuanced issue. All teenage girls should be required to get abortions.
Aaron, be careful. That's ridiculous. How can society ever endorse something like that?
Gay people celebrate 9-11 like it's their fucking birthday. 9-11 is like Christmas for gay people.
You shut up, you are ignorant. You don't know anything about my stuff.
Oh my god, Aaron. We have to get out of here. No, we can do this, okay? He's just baiting us. What? He wants us to snap. He's feeding off of our anger, all right?
I got this. Okay. Hi. All teens deserve to die in the Holocaust. I know you're just saying that to get me mad. I know you don't mean it. I'm just kidding. Everyone knows the Holocaust is standing upright. Good one.
Me and my friend were just wondering if... Steve Jobs owns a PC.
What the fuck did you say? I will fucking kill you, piece of... Oh no! Where are you going?
There's no kitchen that way.
Hi, Mr. Troll. Rape victims are just big old whiners. Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna wear a low-cut shirt, you're basically asking for it, right? I'm a Scientologist, so I think Michelle Obama's a big old b***h-ass femnazi dike. Hitler's dick.
Yeah. Um, hey, you've probably been under this bridge all day. Do you maybe wanna get a cup of coffee? What? No! Catch the GTFO! Are you sure?
We could just relate to each other. I know how hard it must be. Are you trapped in your middle-class cave? Your lawyer troll parents working all the time?
Yes. I could use a friend. Do you mean that genuinely? With no hint of irony or snarkiness whatsoever? Yes. I mean, no! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Interstellar | It's hard leaving everything, my kids, your father. We're going to be spending a lot of time together. We should learn to talk.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at Interstellar, a new science fiction film about a team of space travelers who journey through a wormhole in an attempt to save mankind. And also, a film that director and screenwriter Christopher Nolan is passing off as his own work. The fact is, I made this movie. I wrote it, I directed it, I produced it, and then I gave it to Christopher Nolan to look at for some feedback, and the guy stole it from me. Interstellar stars Matthew McConaughey as a widowed engineer who sacrifices his life to save the world via interspace travel, which sounds like a pretty great story, right?
I sure thought so. I wrote it. Over seven years, actually. I went through ten drafts.
After I finished shooting Interstellar, I burned the movie onto a DVD, and I went over to Chris' house to show it to him. I didn't make a copy, and believe me, I am kicking myself about that. I felt pretty great about the movie. There are some really good action sequences, but Chris has an expert eye, and he's a friend, so I wanted his opinion. Well, I gave him a few days, and then when I came back to get my movie, he gives me my DVD case back, but he just put a copy of The Prestige in there. And then I go online, and I'm reading all about this new Christopher Nolan movie, and I'm thinking to myself, that really sounds like Interstellar, my movie. I should have learned my lesson after he stole Inception from me. I worked so hard on that movie, but he apologized, and he said he'd make it up to me, and he's an important guy in the industry, and I just thought, you know, I'll let it go. So I did.
It wasn't easy to do. But I can't just sit back while Chris steals my movie again. Here's what's really bugging me about the whole thing. There were over 200 people on our cast and crew. I spent years working with these folks. How in God's name is no one stepping forward?
Why isn't McConaughey backing me up on this? McConaughey only did the movie because I was doing it. I can understand Jessica Chastain's silence. She's newer to the business, doesn't want to be the squeaky wheel. I get it. But McConaughey? I mean, you hear things about Hollywood backstabbers, but this takes the cake. I mean, is it flattering that Nolan keeps stealing my movies? Yes.
And I saw he made some changes in the editing room, many of which I love. He reshot the launch scene, and it was over lit in my version. So that was actually a relief to see. But that's a separate issue.
This movie cost me 150 million dollars to make. Oh, you can't imagine how embarrassing it was to make those calls to my investors explaining how they won't be seeing any of the back end they were promised because Christopher Nolan took my movie again. Chris, if you're watching this, please do the right thing right now. You're a brilliant filmmaker. And despite everything, I consider you a friend. You can make your own movies, and I'll be the first in line to see them. Just leave mine alone. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | covid_dinner_discussion_snl | I'm so glad we're doing this. my favorite restaurant is my favorite people's. Honey, I agree 100%. You know what? this is so fun. dinner is on us. oh, uh, wow. but, um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off at the table.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm wearing it half the time. Well, I heard the Cdc is gonna lift all mask mandates soon. Oh, yeah, I know. it's so weird. it's like Covid's not over, but it's just gonna stop. I don't know how I feel about that.
Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I read. Honey, no one wants to hear about that. Well, it was in Bloomberg, and I thought it was interesting. What, uh, what article?
Honey. it was just saying how mask mandates had, I don't know, little to no effects on Covid. I'm sorry. it's not like I'm anti-mask or anything.
I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually help. Gina. No, no, no. we can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic. Yes, yes, of course. I will start, because, um, for instance, while I am so personally relieved that I'm vaccinated. careful. I sometimes wonder if, um, if other people who are hesitant, careful, might not have, like, a valid. what? not valid, but understandable. Not Tonight! Help me. I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous when we condemn. Oh, no. I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs. Oh, no. careful, girl. look, vaccines save lives.
Fact. Okay? they stop the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.: Where are you up to?
But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn't get. a booster? Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun. isn't there something happy we can talk about? No, no. we started this and we need to finish it. David, go. make sense of this, please.
Oh, uh, okay. Well, I think the biggest mistake the administration made was not providing more testing. but the U.k. had done tons of testing and had even more Covid. Good. Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas. you mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail? Go! Okay, well, at least we have the Cdc.
I mean, they haven't always been perfect, but the science changed. how does science change? when I make a mistake at work, I don't get to say the science changed. at least we had outdoor dining. Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street? how is that outdoors?
Oh, my God. Look, I went to a child's birthday party, self-careful, and they did gymnastics in masks. don't. And then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza. this is the end of me.
So did they really need the mask Or no? did any of us ever need the mask? No! No! my God, I'm so glad I said that out loud. of course we needed the mask. we need it. we may not know for years the full extent of what we've been through, but we did our best, and we're going to get through this. Amen. when an anti-vaxxer gets it, I feel happy. No, you don't. we don't have to wash our hands anymore, do we? I never did.
Wait, where's my wife? |
TheOnion | Elon_Musk_Rushed_To_Hospital_After_Attempting_To_Impregnate_Toaster | Elon Musk has been hospitalized after severely burning the lower half of his body in a failed attempt to impregnate a toaster. Sources confirm the 52-year-old tech billionaire was airlifted without pants from Austin, Texas to the Grossman Burn Center in Kansas City, Missouri to undergo an experimental grafting surgery aimed at repairing the third-degree grill marks on his penis, scrotum and thighs that had resulted from repeatedly thrusting his erect genitals into the plugged-in kitchen appliance. According to witnesses, the Tesla CEO walked up to the communal KitchenAid four-sliced toaster that sits in the company kitchenette, mumbled something about bridging the gap between man and machine, and let out a series of yelps as the hot metal seared into the flesh of his groin, grunting as he fought off anyone who tried to intervene before climaxing into one of the empty bread slots.
When asked for a statement, Musk's team responded, Get ready to fall in love with your salad, because Green Giant has unveiled a new lettuce that customers can put a wig on and pretend is their wife. The new iceberg lettuce head is also perfect for drawing on with some lipstick, dancing the night away, and even kissing. So whether you're single, divorced, or widowed, Green Giant claims their lettuce is the best for pretending you're a happily married man who has finally found the love of his life.
Not to mention, she tastes great. Buck her up and place your lips on the screen to begin.
Whoa, hot stuff. You're really good at this. Keep kissing. We'll kiss back. Put on chapstick for extra wetness. Hubba hubba. Great job. You've reached level five kissing. Amazing. You've unlocked the tongue. Things are getting hot and heavy.
Look at all the spit on your screen. Congratulations. You are now a certified face sucker. Print out this certificate of completion to show your lover you're an experienced kisser. |
TheOnion | Congress_1924_Rep_Demands_Horses_Wear_Dresses_To_Hide_Foul_Penises | Distinguished gentlemen of the 68th Congress, respect the calm and modesty that the bedrock upon which this country is built. Yet each day in town squares and public streets, throughout the land, untold numbers of citizens are offended by the sight of horse penises, a national embarrassment and constant scourge to decency. The Bureau of the Census reports there are more than 20 million horses in the United States, a number that assures that God-fearing gentlemen and ladies be provoked at the skittiest sight of exposed, swinging horse penises on an almost daily basis. Why, even our nation's children, on their way to school each day routinely pass dozens of horses, their tiny heads bobbing along at eye level with animals of any tusk-like fallacies. For these aforementioned reasons, today I introduce House Resolution 4074, mandating that all horses must wear dresses when in public. The dress may be of any material and in any style. It may not conform to the fashion trends of the day, or it is only meant to cover the horse's filthy gargantuan member. I personally own five horses and routinely put them all in dresses, sometimes in simple cloth robes, sometimes in fine silk skirts. Some of you have rightly asked why this bill suggests clothing horses in dresses rather than in pants. The reason is that dresses allow the horse to freely trot or gallop, while pants restrict the agility of the horse. My fellow representatives, it is my stalwart belief that horse dresses will be the defining issue of the 1920s. From the shores of Maine to the valleys of California, I envision an entire continent of horses wearing dresses, galloping as their airy fabrics fiddle prettily in the wind, yet still concealing the repulsive horse's penis.
God smiles on my vision. Please vote yes for H.R. 4074. Thank you for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_queen_moves_out_of_buckingham_palace_box_of_heads_stolen_snl | The new Hbo show, Gilded Age, is being praised for highlighting wealthy Black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I. It was reported that Queen Elizabeth Ii has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace, and this is weird, in with John Mayer. a thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. even more disturbing, it was an Arby's truck. producers for this year's Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong'o, or, as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucretia Barnabas. the new report shows that during the pandemic, meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on a popular meth user app, Toothgrinder.
Do you get it?
The U.s. government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women.
Wow, so we changed those names, but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel.
Tuesday was International Women's Day, so hopefully you remember to smile. scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat. or not. the other option is not. a video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City Subway, while other passengers appear not to care. but they were probably too nervous to say something because I'm on Tv. an assistant principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children's book, i need a New Butt. the book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle. |
CrackerMilk | discovering_your_roommate_has_been_a_puppet_the_whole_time | Hey, you wanna hang out later? Sorry dude, I got work tonight.
Who the hell are these people? What the hell's going on? What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's going on? Elias has these weird freaks around him moving his arms! Because he's a puppet goner. What? What's wrong with you man?
I just wanna hang out with my friend and you're acting crazy. He's been a puppet the whole time you've known him. Maybe he would know that if you were a good friend. Hmm.
I've never seen this guy in my life. I don't know him.
Don't talk about the puppeteers. Don't talk about the two strangers in the house.
Stop it! Stop! What the hell's going on? Stop! I'm sorry! Stop! I'm sorry! Okay, Jesus Christ! I'm sorry! I'm outta here man. I need to cool off. Oh, Elias, don't!
You happy? Best friend's a puppet. Um, you have... What?
At the Brisbane Film Festival, we've got Gary. Yeah, I'm Gary on the puppeteer.
We've got Gleb. We've got Krankle. It's Krankle. You gotta fuck my name up, don't fucking introduce me. We've got Bethany. Hey guys! She has a lisp no one's allowed to talk about. It's Bethany. |
SaturdayNightLive | carter_n_sons_bbq_swine_fever_saturday_night_live | The final commercial was filmed in 2002, before the outbreak of the Swine Flu virus. Hi, I'm Ronnie Carter. come on down to Carter & Sons, where one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue, and you'll have Swine Fever. The management of Carter & Sons would like to clarify that swine fever is not related to the H1n1 virus or Swine Flu. Howdy folks, enjoying your meal? enjoying it? Hey, I got swine Fever.
I got it. We got it.
Swine Fever. Fever. This swine fever is contagious. swine fever is a metaphor meant to symbolize a craving for Carter & Sons barbecue. it was created for an ad campaign several years ago, well before the Swine Flu or H1n1 epidemic. my doctor said this swine fever is going to be the death of me. swine fever is not contagious and not even a medically classifiable disease. Swine Fever. We promised to shoot a new commercial soon, but we didn't have the money because business has been weighed down due to the confusion about swine fever. I got swine fever and I got some bad. Thank you. thank you very much. One taste of Carter & Sons, and you're guaranteed to leave with swine fever. And the only cure for swine fever is more barbecue.
Whoo-wee, I hope we have enough. And don't forget to try our special sausage and rib sampler. we recognize that to spell Sars, We regret the coincidence. I'll see you there. |
cracked | 6_historic_events_that_were_nothing_like_you_picture_them_the_spit_take | About 200,000 years ago, our species airdropped into existence with the same exact fancy brains and clumsy generals we have today. Five and a half thousand years ago, we invented writing stuff down, and history started. The first 97% of the existence of our species is prehistory, and it's like those years in the 70s that David Bowie doesn't remember. We created some cool art, and otherwise we have no fucking clue what we were doing.
Lord of the Rings? Sure.
Could have happened twice. We would have been surprised both times.
Today, the word prehistory makes us picture a caveman with a big forehead dragging a woman around, maybe painting a deer on a cave, even though it's by definition the part after evolution stopped changing our foreheads and our body in general. And all signs point to women creating most of the early art, so 0 for 2 on the only two things we know about the vast majority of our species history, which should give you some idea of how bad we are at the last 3%, otherwise known as history. Here's what Jesus probably looked like, and the reason we know that is because his name was Jesus of Nazareth, and not Jesus Christ.
That man-shaped thing has eyes the color of sky! Kill him!
What about history's pin-ups? No, other kind of pin-ups that people who aren't Mel Gibson jerk off to?
Ah yes, Cleopatra, who, a page full of Google image search results assure us, looked like Kim Kardashian with more dramatic eye makeup. In her own time, her beauty was described by Plutarch, the guy who writes stuff down as, not in itself so remarkable that none could be compared to her, so don't get Plutarch to write your wedding vows, I guess. But actually, Cleopatra's family was famously ugly after generations of inbreeding, and here's a portrait of her from an Egyptian coin. As for that little Vixen Pocahontas who won over early white settlers by looking like a half-Asian jewel, according to reports from her time, she was apparently bald, but you'd never know it from that hat that's clearly not overcompensating for anything. These standards for what's attractive have changed over time, but those eyes seem less like they're begging to tell you about the colors of the wind and more like they're daring you to play cards without checking her for a switchblade.
When I say Shakespeare, the image that pops into your head is probably actually this 19th century forgery that was on the cover of every Shakespeare paperback printed before forensic x-rays revealed that the name and date conveniently finger-panded up in the corner was lying. There's actually only one portrait that we know was intentionally a drawing of Shakespeare. Unfortunately, it was etched by Martin Druschett, an artist known in his time as not very good at this, we probably shouldn't give him anything important. And yes, I believe that's a plausible pronunciation of his name. So every image you've ever seen of Shakespeare, bald guy with a flair for dramatic collars and a mustache, probably, is based on this one illustration. On the plus side, it looks like what we think of as Shakespeare, but on the other hand, so do that artist's other etchings, such as this one titled Guy You Can Tell Isn't Shakespeare Because I Put a Hat on Him. It's worth noting that he probably sketched Shakespeare after he was dead. And for some context, here are some portraits of celebrities drawn by a police forensic artist who was allowed to consult photographs when he drew them. From left to right, that's Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Ronald Reagan, and Michael Jordan. But you knew that. We're sure our image of Shakespeare based on an illustration by a terrible artist who'd never met him is right on.
That's something that gets edited out of history for some reason. The awkward early years when staving off boredom suddenly replaced starvation and bear attacks as the number one activity to stave off. We didn't know whether to go see Macbeth or watch a bunch of teenagers cram themselves into a phone booth. Footage of Houdini performing the tricks that captured the world's imagination was recently discovered by us on the internet. Here he is jumping into a river in his underwear like a crazy person, or wriggling around his straitjacket until it busts loose because it's poorly sewn. You never suspect he has magical powers, but you do get the sense that he would definitely eat a bug if you dared him to. That's because Houdini has less in common with the magicians of today than the insane things people found amusing when boredom was first invented, such as throwing picnics to watch the Civil War like a spectator sport, or setting up bleachers to watch nuclear bomb tests.
Your parents had Woodstock, but their grandparents had Crush Texas, a temporary town built for the 40,000 spectators who flocked to watch a rich guy crash two trains into each other at full speed. Actually, that'd be extremely popular today, and probably sponsored by Tostitos. The difference is, we'd talk about how the Tostitos train crunch was a new low in our selfie taking, emoticon using, cat captioning, cartoon porn drawing, garbage TV watching, modern culture. Even though, as you can see, we've always been into all of that s***. The one time you made edible spaghetti.
A TV show threes a crowd in which a man's wife and his secretary are asked uncomfortable questions and try to tear each other's hair out while the guy feigns concern and tries to hide his erection. See, their culture was just as trashy. They just chose not to talk about their equivalent of the Real Housewives of New Jersey and pretended they only ever watched Leave It to Beaver. But at least the visual spectrum has painters and etchers.
The only way to make sure history remembered that Abe Lincoln's voice was high pitched was to teach your kids to do an undignified girly voice. But there are some weird ways we can glimpse what the world sounded like before recorded noise. For instance, you know the rebel yell as that thing Bo and Luke Duke did before ramping their car awesomely. But on the battlefield, it apparently sounded more like a coyote being raped by a bird call. Also, this blooper reel from early 20th century movies seems to indicate that everyone was just pretending to speak like that.
We're stuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. And get that fine cool air on your chest. And go swimming in little pools and... Holy Christ, where am I?
I'm sorry, I started speaking like a real person for a moment. I don't know what got into me.
They must never know we don't speak like carnival barkers. What's really weird is that if you took a time machine a few hundred years ago, you might not understand a single word of English. Those are the people from Smith Island, and they've stayed almost completely isolated since landing off the coast of Virginia in the 1600s. They still talk like people did before there was a mass media piping proper TV English into every home. When you spoke English the way your parents and their parents before them. Your English was only as good as the drunkest branch of your family tree, which turns out is pretty drunk.
That's a gym in the 1930s, having not the faintest clue how exercise works. That was possible because back then, food was still food in that it went stale and mostly tasted bad. Corporate America hadn't scientifically engineered snack chips to be more addictive than heroin, so people tended to stay person-shaped until they smoked themselves to death.
And if that makes you jealous, wait till you hear how drunk they were just all of the time. For instance, the Boston Tea Party was actually the Boston Rum Party, which explains the costumes. The Puritans stopped in Massachusetts because they were out of beer. The Congress of Vienna is famous for dividing up Europe after the fall of Napoleon, but in Vienna it's known more as the time the world's most powerful kings and diplomats spent nine months blacked out in our city, fighting, f***ing, or drunk driving their horses into everything in their path. Ulysses S. Grant was openly roaring drunk while commanding the Union to victory in the Civil War, which Abraham Lincoln went on record saying, made him a better field general. And finally, two days before signing the U.S. Constitution, George Washington, Ben Franklin, James Madison, and the 52 other delegates who were in the process of forging the greatest political document in human history went into a Philadelphia bar and between them drank 100 bottles of wine, 22 bottles of porter, 12 bottles of beer, 8 bottles of whiskey, 8 bottles of hard cider, and 7 bowls of spiked punch, which you might recognize is way more alcohol than 55 human beings should be able to consume without dying. The innkeeper also charged them 2% for all the bottles and chamber pots they broke, because they had toilet fights, I guess. And that's how they pre-game the signing of the U.S. Constitution. So just to recap, we spent the first 97% of our existence shrouded in the cultural equivalent of a blackout, finally clawed our way out of the bladed darkness and pulled the starter cord on human progress. And upon completion of what some consider to be the finest use of the written word, we celebrated by getting so drunk nobody could remember their own name, which makes you wonder if we invented writing so that we could just get as f***ed up as we wanted without worrying about remembering stuff.
Hey, thanks for watching, you guys. I want you guys to pitch the best action movie that could possibly take place in an unknown pocket of history that no movie has taken place in yet, and I'm gonna steal that and then make millions of dollars off of it. You're welcome. |
TheOnion | Proud_Time_To_Be_A_Cowering_Sack_Of_Shit_As_Democrats_Back_Off_Assault_Weapons_Ban | The Supreme Court's sidekick, Kid Justice, is killed by mad genius Dr. Contempto. Thousands of elderly Japanese Americans are rounded up for an internment camp's 70th reunion, and a report confirms the habitat of Bengal tigers is now down to a studio apartment in Jaipur, India. As it was once prophesied in the weekly news recap videos of old, hear now it emerges before your very eyes. This is the Onion Week in Review.
As the Democrats backed down on an assault weapons ban this week, sources confirmed it is once again a proud time to be a cowering sack of shit. Experts across the nation unanimously agreed the Democrats' failure to stand up for comprehensive gun control legislation that could save thousands of innocent lives is just the latest step forward for spineless bags of human waste all across the world. Well the fact is, if you're a worthless coward with no balls to put yourself on the line for what you believe in, then this is a really incredible moment for you. I mean, I for one have the integrity of a mound of melted gelatin, and I am truly impressed by what the Democrats did this week.
Local man Matthew Hunker announced this week that he has such strong brand loyalty to Mazda that he is willing to kill for the Japanese car brand. Hunker told reporters that if he hears anyone say anything negative about Mazda's cutting edge features, or if anyone places any other car brand above the award winning line of 2013 Mazdas, he will quote personally beat them to death. You think I wouldn't slit your goddamn throat in the name of Mazda? You think I'm fucking around? Go ahead, say something bad about the top rated Mazda 6, or the award winning CX-5. See what fucking happens. I fucking dare you. You think I'm afraid to go to jail?
According to statements made over the past several years, local woman Caitlin Mooney believes that all of her friends should be comedians. Mooney told reporters that Lauren, Marsha, Julie, and Angela are quote totally hilarious, and she noted that she could see any of them being a great addition to Saturday Night Live or The Office. Karen is so funny. I can't even explain it. She's always just saying what's ever on her mind. She has this totally sassy attitude. You just can't help but laugh. My roommate, Rashmi, she always has these hilarious stories that are just too much. I'm always telling her that she should just go up on stage and talk. I mean, everyone would love it.
And in sports news, Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn announce they're just an ordinary couple into the depraved sex acts. In other news, President Obama and Rachel Goldstein really hit it off during a group trip to Israel. The tragic saga of an employee's ineptitude is passed down to a new generation of coworkers, and Macaulay Culkin is hoping some funnier die writer comes up with a video idea for him. We're tired of people sticking around after these videos are over and stealing important weekly news items. Seriously, cut it out or we will get the police involved. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Onward | Ritrigore Invisia! Hey, you can do this.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be looking at Disney Pixar's Onward, a fantasy film following two teenage elf brothers who inherit a wizard's staff with the power to reunite them with their dead father. A far-fetched and frankly implausible premise that requires the audience to believe anyone could ever love their dad enough to want to bring him back to life. Set in one of Pixar's typically inventive fantasy worlds in which magic exists, elves live in toadstools, and centaurs roam the land, Onward begins with the improbable narrative hook of siblings Ian and Barley Lightfoot being excited to uncover instructions that could resurrect their father rather than simply throwing out the magical staff and living carefree with the knowledge that he's buried safely underground where he can never hurt them again. Yet, the film only becomes more preposterous from here, as the spell malfunctions and only brings back half of their father's body.
Audience members will no doubt expect the film to continue with the boys wisely disposing of his body in the woods, heading home to spend time with their loving mother, and perhaps going to a therapist to rid themselves of the scars left by their father's emotional manipulation and crushing disappointment in all their interests. Instead, the Lightfoots embark on a road trip to spend one last day with their father, leaving audiences to ask the same question time and again. Why exactly are they doing this? Perhaps the boys want to bring back their father to chastise him for not once attending their middle school theater performances. They figure if they break down crying in front of his reanimated body, then maybe the icy emotional distance between them will finally melt, and once, just goddamn once, he'll admit he was proud of them for all the Midwest Film Journal awards they won over their career as a movie critic.
Or, you know, whatever.
Indeed, despite a game cast featuring Chris Pratt, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Octavia Spencer as a range of fairy tale characters, ultimately, not even the greatest talents in show business can sell audiences on the perplexing idea that someone, anyone, wouldn't simply rejoice at their father's death and the prospect of never again looking into his cold, uncaring eyes. Ultimately, while previous releases proved Pixar's deft hand at selling audiences on outlandish premises, such as talking toys or a rat chef, Onward's improbable narrative seems to be a missed teaching opportunity, failing to depict how the Lightfoot boys could choose to become the man their father never was, rather than holding onto the impossible hope that they can all be one big, happy family again.
Because guess what?
They can't.
He never gave a shit about you, okay?
Trust me. And you know what?
Good fucking riddance. I hope that bastard rots.
For the Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.
Disposing of his body in the woods, heading home to spend time with their loving mother, and perhaps going to a therapist to rid themselves of the scars left by their father's emotional manipulation and crushing disappointment in all their interests. Instead, the Lightfoots embark on a road trip to spend one last day with their father, leaving audiences to ask the same question time and again. Why exactly are they doing this? Perhaps the boys want to bring back their father to chastise him for not once attending their middle school theater performances. Or they figure if they break down crying in front of his reanimated body, then maybe the icy emotional distance between them will finally melt, and once, just goddamn once, he'll admit he was proud of them for all the Midwest Film Journal awards they won over their career as a movie critic.
Or, you know, whatever.
Indeed, despite a game cast featuring Chris Pratt, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Octavia Spencer as a range of fairy tale characters, ultimately not even the greatest talents in show business can sell audiences on the perplexing idea that someone, anyone, wouldn't simply rejoice at their father's death and the prospect of never again looking into his cold, uncaring eyes. Ultimately, while previous releases proved Pixar's deft hand at selling audiences on outlandish premises, such as talking toys or a rat chef, Onward's improbable narrative seems to be a missed teaching opportunity, failing to depict how the Lightfoot boys could choose to become the man their father never was, rather than holding onto the impossible hope that they can all be one big happy family again.
Because guess what?
They can't.
He never gave a shit about you, okay?
Trust me. And you know what?
Good fucking riddance. Good fucking riddance, I hope that bastard rots.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | 5_movie_villains_who_were_secretly_the_good_guys | Five million people were right all along! Is that how I get around so fast? See? I have these rocket boots. Skippy here made sure that... Incredible! You're not affiliated with me! I'll sell my inventions so that everyone can be superheroes. Everyone can be super!
Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every spring the toilets explode. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, sir. I hate those guys.
This may seem an inopportune moment to ask, Dean Wurmer. But do you think you could see your way clear to giving us just one more chance? If that's true, then there's nothing human and nothing civilized about what we're doing here. Dr. Helmsley's passion is admirable. And in order to save the human race, we have an obligation to stick to this plan, which every nation on this flotilla has signed those for. They're in God's hands now! Do you want to be responsible for the extinction of the human race? You did it! It was quite educational. However, it fails to address the issue that is the focus of this hearing.
Three words are mutants dangerous. And there are even rumors, Ms. Gray, of mutants so powerful that they can enter our minds and control our thoughts.
I'm Walter Peck. I represent the Environmental Protection Agency, the 3rd District. Gray, how's it going down there? And may I see this storage facility?
No. Why not, Mr. Venkman? Because you did not use the magic word.
I'm warning you. Turning off these machines would be extremely hazardous. I'll tell you what's hazardous. You're facing federal prosecution for at least a half a dozen environmental violations. Now either you shut off these beams or we shut them off for you.
Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every spring the toilets explode. |
SaturdayNightLive | seth_macfarlane_monologue_the_voices_saturday_night_live | Thank you, everybody. it is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. You know, I have loved this show since I was a kid and I promised myself there was one thing I would do if I ever got to host. So if you'll just indulge me for a moment, please go out with me. Farrah Fawcett. Okay, I guess I guess I made that promise a while ago. You know, I do. I do a lot of voices like on Family Guy. Still, really, that's good to know and of course the movie Ted. But I'm very happy to be here as myself Seth Macfarlane even though the voices kind of did get me where I am tonight.
All right, you're doing good, Buddy. You're doing good. you're very likable so far. Keep it up.
Do Not Look at the lady in the front row with the big knockers. All right, focus on the monologue. you'll be fine. Oh, you're doing the voices. You draggletail got his knife. You said you weren't gonna do it. But now here we are. Look guys, I'm more than just voices. All right.
I directed Ted. Oh, yes, so many directors host Snl. I believe Gary Marshall is hosting next week.
Look, I'm not doing the voices. I'm just talking. No, no, not you, you idiot Seth. He's doing the voices. why don't you just mind your own business? Well, why did you mind your fat ass? Look, will you guys please just stop fighting?
Oh, but how Brian? Yeah, it's a private conversation. Hey, can anybody get in on this? No quag mind. Oh, come on. yes. it's our show with a Deuce. do you think you are? come on? just one. All right, just one.
So obviously, voices in my head are a legitimate psychological problem for me. How bad is it? Well, maybe I can explain it this way. Oh, my head is filled with the voices and they never go away. There's a baby kind of British, an alien who's skittish and might be possibly gay. My head is filled with voices and the doctors don't know why for a second. I'm a normal, talking regular gent. the next, I'm George Takai. You know, after I came out of the closet, they they wouldn't let me touch the captain's log. Oh, my head is filled with voices as I do my monologue from a normal conversation. there's a sudden transformation to a jowly, droopy old dog.
You know what?
Mcrimey just makes me so mad. Oh, my head is filled with voices. Know the doctors? They don't know why for a second. I'm a normal talking regular gent. The next time, Marty Mcfly. Well, Doc. you can't just walk into a store and and buy plutonium. Did you rip that off? Oh my. It's a metal kind of fog. As often as I try it, it's hard to keep them quiet. and I talk like Kermit the Frog.
Uh, you know, it's really great to be here in Manhattan. I love being in New York except for all the Jews.
Yeah, yeah, yes, my head is filled with voices. It's a special kind of hell.
But tonight, it's all completely okay. because this is Snl. All right, we have a great show. Frank Ocean is here. Stick around. We'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | traffic_altercation_snl | What is that lady doing? She almost plowed into us! Lunatic! Oh my God, Dad, don't be so awkward! Well, she almost caused an accident just to sit there and bumper to bumper traffic. Hey! hello! hey! you cut me off! you drive crazy! you know what?
Eat, Eat me! Eat Me! that's a lie! you lie! shame on you! Okay. Eat, eat my butt! You, you are a sad woman! you sad woman!
Okay, wow. why don't you roll down your window and say that to my face? Why did you mime a crank? No cars have Those windows! Power Windows Now! Do This!
Boo! Bad choice! Boo! No! No! this? it's too small! it wouldn't breathe!
I guess!
You, you are scared! because you aren't a man! you're not a big man! Shut up!
I am a man! I'm a very strong man!
No, no, you are a little bitch! you are a little bitch! Is she, is she using you for the word bitch? that is so messed up! you suck! you messed up!
Hey, don't, don't do that! First of all, I don't love that you use two hands. Second of all, just don't do it!
You know what? you know what? I buy you.
Not worth my time! Bye! you are a giant puss! you're there! giant puss! What would your mother, mother say if she saw you do that? My mom told me to do it! you white devil! shame on you! that was racist! No, don't hate all white people. just you. Bravo! Bravo! you bad person. I feel bad for your husband. no husband. we went bye-bye. we split up. oh, me too. life left, but it's good. she was a bitch. Dad! hey, this might be crazy. you hungry? yeah, I could eat. do you maybe want to eat this butt? shame on you! you suck!
Stop doing that! Stop it! She almost caused an accident just to sit there and bumper to bumper traffic. Hey! hello! hey! you cut me off! you drive crazy! you know what?
Eat, eat Me! Eat me! that's a lie! you lie! shame on you! Okay. eat, eat my butt!
You, you are a sad woman. you sad woman.
Okay, wow. why don't you roll down your window and say that to my face? why did you mime a crank? No cars have those windows. Power windows Now.
Do this! Boo! Bad choice! Boo! no, no, this? it's too small. it wouldn't breathe. I guess, I guess.
You, you are scared. because you aren't a man. you're not a big man. Shut up! shut up! I am a man! I'm a very strong man!
No, no. you are a little bitch. you're a little bitch. Is she, is she using you for the word bitch? that is so messed up! You suck! you messed up!
Hey, don't, don't do that. First of all, I don't love that you use two hands. Second of all, just don't do it.
You know what? you know what? bye. bye, you. not worth my time. Bye. you are a giant puss. you're there. giant puss. what would your mother, mother say if she saw you do that? My mom told me to do it. you white devil. shame on you. that was racist. No, don't hate all white people. just you. Bravo. bravo. you bad person. I feel bad for your husband. no husband. we went bye-bye. we split up. Oh, me too. life left. but it's good. she was a bitch. Dad! respect. respect. hey, this might be crazy, but are you hungry? yeah. I could eat. do you maybe want to eat this butt food? you suck. stop doing that.
Stop it. stop it. Stop it. |
TheOnion | Seasons_Turn_Gracefully_From_The_One_That_Kills_Old_People_To_The_One_That_Kills_Homeless_People | NCIS ends its print edition, Obama has that weird sex dream about the nation again, and Jack Palance is still dead at 87. Look on this work ye mighty and despair, this is the Onion Week in Review. This week sources across the nation confirmed that the seasons were gently and gracefully turning from the one that kills America's elderly to the one that kills its homeless, with millions basking in the age-old tradition of the climate delicately shifting from causing heat stroke in senior citizens to inducing frostbite in those without homes. Americans noted as early as Monday that as it has in years past, nature's eternal cycle had caused a nip to come into the air, the leaves to change colors, and hundreds to helplessly freeze to death in city streets.
A new ranking published this week by Parenting magazine named the Mariana Trench the worst place to raise a child for the seventh consecutive year. Editors pointed to a number of significant factors in making their decision, including the deep-sea zone's poor commuting options, undesirable school system, and complete lack of oxygen. We really weren't able to find any reason at all a new family would want to plummet thousands of atoms into the Mariana Trench. Even the crime rates, while certainly low, only become that way after discounting the high likelihood of your child being dragged away in the jaws of an angler fish. Other locations that made Parenting magazine's list of worst places to raise children include Mount Everest, an industrial slaughterhouse, St. Louis, and the Cone of Hawaii's Mauna Loa volcano.
Hollywood insiders unanimously agreed this week that area man Dennis Keirning lacks the star power necessary to carry a major motion picture, with producers, critics, casting directors, and fans alike saying the 37-year-old Charlottesville, Virginia resident simply doesn't have the A-list good looks, winning smile, or sheer charm needed to lead a major blockbuster. Could I see Dennis in a sitcom? Yeah, maybe. But he just doesn't have that je ne sais quoi you need for four-quatred appeal. If I'm going to invest hundreds of millions of dollars in a movie, I need a star with the whole package. He's got to have sex appeal, talent, charisma, and most importantly, that X factor. I guess Dennis Keirning seems sort of nice, but to be perfectly honest, if I saw he was the star of the movie, I'd probably skip it.
And in sports news, an alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for six months. In other news, a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter. CGI Fridays goes bankrupt after spending billions on priceless Americana, and the least popular guy at a house party is hitting it off with the dog. Desperate as you are for this video to extend on for hours, days, and even months, it must now regrettably draw to its close. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_weary_mother_in_her_darkest_hour_on_rihanna_s_pregnancy_snl | Rihanna has been showing off her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour. I believe it, Michael. I'm pregnant again. Well, how you doing, Pauline? Congratulations. it must be such an exciting time. exciting for who, Michael? last time I gave birth, the baby was so big, the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa.
You know what it feels like to drop a drogo? Bad.
But here, look at Rihanna. come on, with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I'm trying to shoplift the turd duckin'.' you know, I'm just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant. famous pregnant? Well, that was just Rihanna's pregnancy announcement photo, right? sure was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy, walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy?
I threw up on Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard. You know, I've had babies before, but this is my worst pregnancy yet. You know, it's making me want to eat all kinds of things. pickles, peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun. Pauline.
Look, I don't mean it. I don't mean it.
I don't know what I'm saying. pregnancy brain. Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at Fashion Week, hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.
Oh, please. look at this, Michael. look at her. she look like she going to a sex funeral. she makes it look good. how? you know, I couldn't even wear this before. If you're going to wear something like this, everything's got to stay put, you know? But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pusher. Oh, my gosh. you know, she's always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael?
These. Yeah, these.
I used to wear a size 9. now I'm a men's 15. you know, I even got my tubes tied, but they came loose. I keep begging my doctor, double knot them next time, Please. do they tie them like shoelaces?
Look, I'm out here on my own, Michael. at least Rihanna's got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven't come with me to not one doctor's appointment.
Wait, why would I? Because you did this to me. I did? mm-hmm. I said, let's use protection, and you looked me in the eye and said, it don't feel the same. that does sound like me, Yes, it is. All right, you know what?
I got to go. I left my kids in Lauren's office. Pauline, everybody. I'm youngin'' and Rihanna. I'm on my plateu. the time is just tonight. |
dropout | the_oscars_for_frat_bros | Hey, what's up?
It's the Broskers, the first award show for sweet movies instead of art bullshit. Give it up for your host, Fat Nick. I'm not fucking fat anymore. For years, bros have used movies as a way to have fun and to chill.
From the dope killing sprees of the Boondock Saints to the mad deepness of Donnie Darko, dudes know what shit is good. Our first category is for most jacked actor in a feature film. The brominees are Mark Wahlberg, Pain and Gain, Vin Diesel, Fast and Furious 6, Channing Tatum, G.I. Joe Retaliation, and the Broskers goes to The Rock, all of these movies. Dude, he's fucking sick with that tribal tat. I'm gonna get one of those. It's no secret that sometimes movies have fucked up shit in them. For this next award, we honor the most fucked up.
When we were stoked to see Legolas because we hadn't seen him in a while, but then he was a fucking dick or whatever, The Hobbit, Desolation of Smaug. When we thought Anna had found her true love, but then when she goes to kiss him he fucking nags her? Frozen. Slavery, 12 Years a Slave. Bros love new movies, but not as much as we love the movies. We watched a billion times.
Baked. Talking about that dank shit, dude. Nuggets.
The Brock Academy is stoked to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to Trevor's Fight Club DVD. Best funny ass part from a funny ass movie, KJ's epic burp snart, Grown Ups 2. Fucking everything that comes out of Alan's mouth, The Hangover movies, Part 3. When Chet went to see Man of Steel and he fucking spilled Sierra Mist all over his pants and he looked like he pissed himself like a fucking idiot, Man of Steel. Best tough guy played by an actor I could probably take in real life. Joseph Gordon Levin, Don John, Chloe Grace Moretz, Kick Ass 2. Every last one of those little fucking pussy elves, The Hobbit, Desolation of Smaug. And the broskr for death scene that made me mad sad goes to G.I. Joe retaliation when Duke got blown up. And now, the bromant we've all been waiting for, Best Picture, Iron Man 3. Fast and Furious 6, The Hobbit, Desolation of Smaug, World War Z, and the broskr for Best Picture goes to Fuck that, it's Fight Club! You don't have to be fucking Fight Club dude!
Thanks for watching. If you enjoyed that video, click my sleeves to subscribe. Ah crap. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_avengers | You and me, we stay here on the ground, we keep the fighting here, and Hulk, smash. The Avengers Marvel's cinematic juggernaut about a bunch of superheroes who never spend any time with their families is packed with some awesome trivia you might have missed the first time around. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch The Avengers forever. The Avengers was one of the first movies to bring in superheroes from separate movie franchises like Iron Man, Captain America, security guard who talks to nude Mark Ruffalo, woman with ability to climb over raised surfaces, and James Bond. The Avengers instantly became a mega hit at the box office after word quickly got out that the film had alcohol in it.
In this scene, Stan Lee made his classic cameo by curling up inside this punching bag. Pretty neat. Johnny Depp was too busy to play Jack Sparrow in the movie, so they had to settle with Samuel L. Jackson in an eye patch. This scene right here is responsible for inspiring thousands of students across the world to pursue a career in dentistry. The producers promised one lucky super fan a special cameo in the movie, but you probably missed him. He's right there. One interesting fan theory as to why Bruce Banner is always angry is because his ass hurts. If you look closely, you'll be able to see evidence of an unfortunate sound stage infestation that the studio had to deal with throughout filming. Yikes. To make sure this moment looked authentic, the filmmakers made a production assistant look at some weird ass porn so the computers would get a bunch of viruses. Pretty neat. Chris Evans actually gave several different versions of this iconic line before the final edit immortalized this one.
The other versions include, Last time I was in Germany, I had a bratwurst. Last time I was in Germany, I went on an airplane. And Last time I was in Germany, I had a good time in Germany.
So cool. And last but not least, I actually know that guy. If you don't believe me, I could show you my yearbook to prove it. Seriously, I do know him.
Are we done here? Well, that's all the Avengers trivia I've got for now. Hopefully you know a bit more about this superhero extravaganza than you did before. See you next time! |
dropout | murderous_houses_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And this is episode two of our YouTube sensation, the YouTube version of our show.
And as suggested by Olivia Collette, we're going to be drawing murderous houses. Murderous houses.
What is that, you might ask? Well, I'm going to draw what I think it is. And then, in the true nature of the show, Nathan will draw what he thinks it is. The truest nature. And then you guys will respond with your thoughts.
We wanted to just say a quick thank you to everyone for watching the first episode and for like just really like the positive feedback and for responding and giving good suggestions and for not using racial slurs for the most part. There were so there were so few. There were racial slurs.
I mean, it's YouTube. Right. You're not going to not get. Exactly.
But like, man, pretty slim pickens on the racial slurs. Mostly just suggestions. Slim picken is not a racial slur, but it sounds like it could be. You know, if history had gone a little differently, maybe it would have been. Yeah.
This is a nice house. It does a nice house. Although we're not drawing sexy houses. We're drawing murderous houses.
Why can't it be both? Oh, that's how it gets to you. Answer me that.
It looks like I think mine's going to be like a like a trap house. Like it's like a. So it's so it's full of traps. Mine's like it's like a hermit crab. It's like a monster wearing a house. Oh, that's how mine murders you. You ever see that movie Monster House?
I did see that movie. Yeah. The movie is co-directed or co-written by Dan Harmon. Really? Yeah. I did not know that. Now I've got to check it out. Dan Harmon, he's been killing it. It's true. Have you seen his new show?
Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty, Jack? Rick and Morty is. Rick and Morty time?
Yeah. We're just promoting stuff. We haven't made it. Click here to check out Rick and Morty and leave this. We only have so much time and space. We have to promote our own stuff.
We had Dan Harmon if you're watching. If you're watching, which I know you are. Keep up the good work. I know you're there with your little.
Oh, wow. Oh my gosh.
Dan Harmon is sitting in his living room with a big 1940s pennant that says morning trophy and he's wearing a fur coat and he's saying, raw. Who is Dan Harmon?
Who is that? Who is?
All right. Yeah. So again, I guess I should draw like a little. Spiky, spiky legs. Yeah, let me draw a little. This is, you know, like this.
Front door here. Mine is, you know, it's just a standard little. Just a lovely. Just a nice suburban cottage. You know, here in New York, a house like this.
Kill for a house like that. Oh man. And this house would kill for you. It would kill you.
Oh, I think. Oh yeah, I got this. I'm excited.
This is a good topic. Thank you, Olivia. Great work. A lot of good topics. A lot of bad topics, but that's okay.
A lot of bad, but you know, that's that you need the bad ones. It's true to make the good ones. We wouldn't know what the good ones were if we didn't have terrible. I don't know if anything is good ever.
I just look at something. I have to have to ask someone on the street. I have to ask a policeman.
Is this good? Is this good art?
Ask a policeman. Ask my priest. Ask a postman. It's a theme for this joke. Talk to your postman. Talk to a pastor. I hope Alexander talked to his postman.
About his affinity for furniture. For furniture.
I mean, after that episode that I've never, I haven't been able to look at my couch the same. I ruined my couch. I just went home and ruined it sexually. I just thought you ruined it. I just thought you went home and ruined it for no, no, that's, I thought you was, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Oh, come on. Give me a, but I was thinking, yeah, we should, we really missed, we really dropped the ball last week. Ah, because we, your sexy furniture. We could have drawn sexy furniture and it'd be like, it'd be like furniture for furs. We could have drawn cattiers on the last one. I think we missed, we really missed an opportunity.
These are, okay, so, so murderous. What's a, all right, so what's murderous about it?
Oh, right. No, what's, what would be a, a fandom that we could pun into so that, so that we're, no, we're already in the Dan Harmon fandom for a, this is a sequel to his, to Monster House. I thought of a, I thought of a, a pun from what I'm going to say. Well, no, I'm going to do, I'm going to do it in my, oh, great. I'm excited. I'm almost done. If you ever finish. I'm sorry. It's the YouTube show.
We go long, man. We go long. We go all night.
Someone, someone friend, friendly suggested that we edit it down to five minutes and, uh, we're not doing that. Well, they, we're going to make it longer. It was real cute that they suggested we edit this show. Yeah, that we have that any of our video staff or editing staff would spend any time.
Oh yeah. This is, this is College Humor Originals right here. This is the full, the full budget of the department behind us. This is, this is why troopers never came back. This is why, because we had to draw it. So we could make this, this excuse for a show. All right.
Well, that's, that's a Cronenberg house. I was like, look at this house. I was like, it's good, but he sure could use some eyeballs.
Those are ice stocks. They are stocks.
You're right. My bad. Keep starting to draw something down there. I want to, all right. What is it?
Is he going to have pincers? Yeah, he's definitely going to have pincers.
Are you kidding me? Are you joshing me? Are you, are you?
Josh Reuben-ing me right now? Josh, Josh Reuben.
Yeah. We got some suggestions to draw on College Humor cast cast members. Yeah. But it's like, their images are very closely controlled. Yeah.
So we don't have the rights. We don't, we don't have the rights to any of their images.
Yeah. Um, we can't really even draw any skinny people that might, that might be confused with bad castles. See, if we draw someone wearing a button down, a white guy, but wearing a button down shirt, we are so much stronger. We're in, we're in the deep legal. Yeah.
I think, I think that you do a legal zoom advertisement on a podcast as well. Is that why you said, is that why you said legal zoom? Yeah, they're paying, they're paying the bills. Showing off them, showing off them podcast books. You know, if we can get a sponsor one day, that'd be great. Totally. Can you imagine being able to say legal zoom and get paid for it? Wow.
I've, I've fallen asleep dreaming about the day.
Stamps.com, man. You know the price. Did you know the price of stamps?
I had gone up again. So many, I have been, if I didn't listen to podcasts, I wouldn't know because I don't use the mail. I use the mail. I send people postcards.
Okay. I took way too long. Yeah, you did. That's my, that's my murder house. Mine's going to be worse because I'm going to spend less time doing it, but that's okay. All right. Why don't you go down to this corner. Oh, it's just a corner. Okay.
So when I, you can, when I imagined murderous, I imagined like a person with like a murderous intent. Are you, you picture like grown up Kevin McAllister in like a house that he has set up to trap people and murder them in. No, man. I imagine like Home Alone, a reboot of Home Alone where the child is just murdering people.
Did you see the, the one, the video where they showed how like the actual injuries that they would have incurred? I saw the thumbnail for that video. I thought, okay. It's, it's that. I imagine it in my mind. It's clips from Home Alone. Yeah. And then it tells you how, how many times they would have died. Sometimes videos have too good of thumbnails. You get the whole, and I get the gist of it. It's like, I'm the worst. They do the thing that you're not supposed to do with books for internet videos, which is where I judge them by their thumbnail. Never judge a video by a thumbnail. It's an aphorism for a new age.
Okay. This is a pretty standard house thus far. Pretty standard.
A house similar to the house that you or I might have grown up in. Roof, walls, windows. Not my house certainly. I grew up in a series of caves.
Interconnected. Okay. All right. Like where we're going with this.
This house, this house doesn't, this house seems resentful for having to hang out with my house. Yeah, because he's just, he's just a murderous house. This house is just, he's just got. I think my house is like blind rage and your house is like a serial killer. You're also like a Hannibal of houses. He's a, he's the Dexter.
Yeah. I was, I was really hoping that I wanted to draw a mobile home and it was going to be like, well, I guess my house is in someone running someone over. Yeah. I guess I did, I did draw a mobile home technically, but you get what I'm saying. Oh wow. What is it? Oh no. So this is, how has this house come to be? Some sort of curse. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. Curses are big. He's wearing a glove. Right.
He's wearing, he doesn't want his fingerprints. You might think that it's just, because it's like a cute cartoon glove, but no, he doesn't want, that's why Mickey Mouse wears gloves too. That's why all cartoon characters. I thought you made a comic about why Mickey Mouse wears gloves.
I did. That's a different, that's a different idea. I like this idea though. Let's go down this path for a bit.
Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, they wear gloves because they're just, just monstrous serial murderers. Yeah. That's like, oh yeah, you wonder what happened to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit? Mickey I've wondered that on occasion. It's answering the hot questions.
This is great.
Oh, whoa. Yeah. Oh, you should make it.
He's got like several doors, but like we all, so this is, how should I make it? It's my head cannon is that like house, their mouths are the door obviously, but he's got several doors and those are his teeth, but like we always usually only see one door. So like you just like draw more doors on the inside.
No, I was thinking like a bigger one, but yeah, I don't, what are you, I don't know what you're talking about. Like this. No, don't give me the pen. Okay. I meant like this. Like he's got like a full, he's got like extra doors coming out of here. Hold on. He's got extra. Yeah. Like that.
That doesn't look good. No, it doesn't.
Yeah. I just had to see it for myself. Okay. All right. There you go. Great. We did it.
Also, he's only got one slide. He's got the smirk.
So I'm mucking up your vision and I'm sorry. I'm, I'm in your, I'm in your biz biz and I apologize.
And what's his other hand doing? His other hand has here.
So, okay. See, originally I saw the door as like his tooth, but I think it's more like a soul patch. Yeah. Okay. Because he's a bad guy. So he has a soul patch. Obviously is a soul patch. Um, the other hand, I think he's just got like a person. Okay. Yeah. Cause he's a monstrous house person. Just like, uh-huh.
This, the tagline for this movie would be home is where the heart gets ripped out. That would be the first draft of the tagline. And it would be, it would be changed before the poster was made. Cause that's a bad tagline. Home is where the heart gets ripped out. What's the tagline? Yes. That's the tagline.
I came up with, um, those, how did you not get a, get a job? There's no place like getting your heart ripped out. Yeah. There's, um, there's no place like home except also your home is a murder house. But wait, I said, I said I had a pun. You did. The murderous house. A third act pun to reveal itself. What? It's a murder.
No!
Oh boy.
Shut it down now folks. All right. I'm done. That's it. That's all I can't, I'm sorry. That's all we needed. You were done here. Oh wait, no, we're not. We got it. I got to go to sleep for a goddamn weekend after that shit. Yeah. You gotta, you gotta be ready for the puns. All right.
Well now we're not done because now it's time for recommendations. Recommendations. I'm going to tell you the hot, hot, um, articles to check out from this week. Articles.
In addition to all of Dan Harmon's wonderful work, we ourselves are also. We made a few little things.
All right. Well go ahead and you can click on, oh there you go. Bravo. It's kind of a mustache. Uh-huh. Give me a little. Okay, so if you want to see a comic that I made. Yes. Called, uh, the real, the only real way to make change. Right. Is the title of that comic.
Go ahead and click on this house. It's inspirational. Click on the house. Click on this house, right? Click on this goddamn house, you son of a bitches. What do you, I recommend, um, a comic that I wrote and our cool internet illustrator Jacob Andrews illustrated called, if you are getting real life, like you do on Facebook. And if you want to see that, click on this house, but be careful.
It's got claws. I do argue in real life and on Facebook, but what if I did them the same way? You, you might wonder that. And I'll tell you what, there's an answer waiting for you at the end of this proverbial rainbow. And you see this, this, uh, this guy, this man about to be eaten. Click on him. If you just, if you feel yourself trapped in a world where you're not subscribed to college, you know what the solution is. This is from like, Hey, uh, Mark chapter five, verse four, rate, subscribe, read and subscribe. And Jesus gave thumbs up because that was a cool move and you'll get lots of friends and respect and you get to go to heaven. If you do, that's, that's my debates.
And yeah, comment, suggestion. If you're, if you're cool. Yeah. And yeah.
Uh, thank you very much for watching. Thank you, uh, Olivia Klette for the great suggestion and have a great weekend. |
dropout | balloon_boy_gets_scolded | You were in a box in the attic? You're in big trouble, mister. You're in big trouble. You had the whole world worried sick.
You're gonna have a nickname now. I hope you realize that. Balloon Boy. Unbelievable. I'm sorry. Unbelievable. Do you have any idea how many tweets there were about you, young man? You were trending in eight different topics. Balloon Boy, Hash Balloon Boy, Colorado, Halloween. Okay, that one isn't about you, but you're gonna be a costume now. I hope you realize that. A last minute costume! I said I'm sorry. I didn't...
People put you on up posters? Flight of the Navigator posters?
Even meshed you up with Kanye West. I saw like 10 of those. I didn't think any son of mine was gonna grow up to be a meme. I really... I'm gonna be honest with you, I only found out about it. Because I was on Dig. I was just hanging out on Dig. And there it was, top in all topics. My son. Jesus Christ.
The Dow broke 10,000 for the first time in a year and nobody gives a damn! What? Nobody gives a damn! People are even making fake viral videos of me scolding you!
Do you have any idea how meta that is? It's pretty meta. Oh! |
Wizards_with_Guns | you_ll_never_guess_the_ethnicity_of_this_man_ | Hey Mitch, what's up? This is my trainer. I'll be right back. I gotta change my pants. Hey. How's it going? Hi, I'm Richard. I'm white. Okay.
Great. I can give you the tour. Wow. I love this house.
As a white guy? Yeah, as a white guy? Speaking as a white person? Why as a white person?
Your candle has such a rich, decadent smell, it really brings a smile to my face. Okay, but why do you keep mentioning- This is a great chair.
White-wise? Why do you keep bringing up that you're white? Well, you get it. You're white. Right? I mean, yeah, but- Whew! Are you relieved that I'm white?
Uh, no. I was just breathing. That's how I breathe. Really? Yeah. You know us white people. We breathe? Breathe?
We do! We do do that!
Frank, where are you, man? You coming back? I don't think you're getting it. Allow me to explain.
No, no, no. Take a look at this pen. This is a good pen, but I don't know if I like it as a white guy. I think maybe someone else might like it. Like, maybe a black guy. It is a pen! How is race involved at all? Hey guys. Oh, hey, uh, Devon. Yo, is that a pen?
Dude. Nice. See ya. Okay. Calm down.
Who is that? I don't get it, man. What are you trying to do? Are you trying to tell if I'm racist, or are you racist?
No! I just like to fuck with losers like you, who suck! There! That face right there! I get off to it!
Hey guys. You ready? What's up?
Uh, Frank, your friend Richard's been saying some really weird shit. Oh. You understand sign language? N-no. What? Uh, well, Richard is mute. Wait. What?
No, but he- Alright, you ready to go? Great. We'll see you later, Mitch.
Sorry, I could not stop thinking about it. I just had to come back for the pen.
Hey guys, just wanted to let you know if you watched this video and didn't like or subscribe, you're probably a racist. And if you don't agree with that, please, let us know in the comments below. N-no, he- He- Wait- Yo! Is that- |
TheOnion | Romney_s_Super_Tuesday_Polls_Surge_After_He_Begins_Flaunting_His_Wealth | All right, it is Super Tuesday, and we're deep in the 2012 trenches with David Baradale and Piper Cahill. Now, Mitt Romney, of course, is the man to beat today, due in large part to his campaign's new tactic of flaunting his wealth. Piper, do you agree with this tactic? Absolutely, Andrea. No more downplaying his millionaire status to appeal to blue-collar workers.
He's out there with the fancy cars. He's out there with the fur cars.
Well, I think it's pretty ostentatious, and common sense would dictate that it's the wrong image to project in a recession.
But you have to admit it's hard not to be impressed by all his diamonds and mansions. Sure. You know, he's literally been throwing wads of money into the crowd at recent campaign rallies. How can you not love the guy? I still can't believe how much that solid gold podium helped him in the last few debates. Yeah, you know, the crowd really responded to that.
But listen, Romney has some competition. I mean, let's talk about that online poll that was released earlier in the week that showed that 67% of voters think that Newt Gingrich is the candidate to preside over the nation as it crumbles into hedonistic decline. Well, I mean, it is rather easy to imagine Gingrich and his concubines being carried through the streets in a little by third.
Yeah, it really is. You know, even I have to admit that with his ethics violations and his womanizing, that he was built to rule over our Bacchanalian demise. Yeah. Clearly. Romney, Santorum, they couldn't handle roving bands of heathens searching for flesh-blazers. Yeah, absolutely.
And he has started referring to himself as the supreme, all-powerful Newt Gingrich. And today, he showed up at a campaign rally dressed in a bed sheet.
Oh, that was a good look for him. That actually suited him very well.
Yeah. Okay, let's switch gears here. Did anyone else notice at the last debate how Ron Paul kept hitting on the subject of male rape throughout the evening? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was strange, wasn't it? That was weird. Really focused on it. Yeah.
Do you remember when he was asked the question of what he would do to help the nation's school system, and he said that he would make every child aware that men could be raped, even older men? Out of the field, right?
I did not see that coming. No, I didn't either.
Now, what about when Paul started crying and calling himself a disgusting little tart who was asking for it?
That was a little theatrical. Well, but you know, hey, that's politics. Yes. Well, you make a very good point.
Take a look at this. Let me see if I can get this up. There it is.
Very, very low numbers, low turnout due mostly to that YouTube video of monkeys at a business meeting that started making its rounds on the internet just this morning. People just can't seem to tear themselves away to go out and vote.
All right, Jason, that is unfortunate news. Thank you for that report.
When we come back, we'll discuss the repercussions of Santorum's admission that he experimented with embryonic stem cells in college. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_justice_amy_coney_barrett_on_overturning_roe_v_wade_snl | This week, the Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe V. Wade. here to comment is conservative Justice Amy Coney Barrett. thank you for being here. I am jazzed and juiced. right, I'm guessing you're pretty happy with the draft of the ruling. Well, I don't know what would make you think that other than everything I've ever said, but I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question. right, there was one question. Justice Alito nodded to that. in his opinion. you were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station. no questions asked. That's right, Colin.
I just like, I don't understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what's the big deal? just pop it. just do the nine and plop. just do the what? just do your nine, you know? do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk, wrap it up in a little, like a little moses, put in a little basket, send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It's simple. if you are a murderer, if you have an abortion, but you're not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks, then it's good to me. Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that. Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think the lesbians would be happy because now there's more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. come on, ladies, it's just nine. it's not even 10, so just do your nine and dump. I don't think it's that simple. Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can't do the same is beyond me, unless I'm like missing something about class in America. don't answer that. Okay, well, you were also suggesting that we don't need abortion because there's no longer the same stigma against unwed mothers. exactly, exactly. it's like, you see a girl, you know, she's pregnant. you're not gonna stone her anymore. you're just gonna be like, hmm, okay. like, if you get pregnant and you're not married, you don't have to go to a spooky convent anymore. you just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that's your nine. Stop just saying. that's your nine. What is more traumatic? safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see again because you put it on a ferris wheel. All I'm saying, these lesbians are gonna have like a crapload of babies coming their way. they should be kissing my beads.
I don't think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you're kind of forcing conservative views on the country.
Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. our spouses, on the other hand, are effing crazy. Speak of, Clarence Thomas' wife, Jenny, has always texted me, she's like, in love with me.
I'm like, okay, Les, you want a baby? All right, Justice Barrett. Well, is there anything else you would like to say? Arby's, We have the babies. Justice Barrett, everyone. there you go! Just do them Now. Yay! |
cracked | the_most_wtf_mcdonald_s_feature_in_movies | What are some really weird McDonald's features? First up, Richie Rich's personal McDonald's is basically hell on earth. The 1994 family comedy about America's cataclysmic wealth inequality, Richie Rich, revealed that Richie has his own personal, fully functional McDonald's located in his house. This wacky idea may have been appealing to every kid in the 90s, but it's pretty horrifying for everyone who stops to think about it for even two seconds. Think of how mind-numbingly depressing it would be working a job where your only customer is world's richest boy.
Next up, according to the Fifth Element, future McDonald's will mandate surprisingly sexy uniforms. The movie, and implicitly McDonald's, which presumably signed off on the scene, is suggesting that in the future, McDonald's female employees will be required to wear sexy cocktail dress-like uniforms complete with matching red wigs. Say what you will about working for McDonald's today, but at least sexy Ronald McDonald cosplay isn't part of the job description. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Win_For_Aussie_Troops_QLD_Energy_Grid_Crippled_A_Local_Boomer_s_Big_Demand_More_May_28 | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to Petuta Advocate Weekly News Board and there's been a lot going on in the news this week. There often is but this week in particular has been pretty, I guess you'd say chaotic. The parliament house culture of rape and sexual assault alleged of course is back in the news again.
Of course the bungled vaccine roll out is in the news again. Morrison keeps telling everyone to calm down, be starting to sound a little bit like a boss who's promised the office a new printer is coming and it's been three or four months now and no one's really seen a printer except for some of those people in the back office that you never hear or speak of. 70 aged care homes as of two nights ago still hadn't received one vaccination and of course we've got the Melbourne outbreak on top of this which probably could have been avoidable if we had our vaccinations but of course the contact tracing in Victoria leaves a lot to be desired and really they can't complain at this point. 17 outbreaks, get it together Dan. What the fuck's going on down there? Well Dan you know, he did do his arse on the piss down there in Mornington Peninsula, you know he's in the iron lung, he's in the motorised chair but yeah look I think that the government was basically forced to reintroduce the virus into the public, you know just to get people Okay well we probably shouldn't be broadcasting blatant conspiracies. Early start with the scepticism Ian? It's essentially why we've got the virus in the community again because the government wanted people to go out and get vaccinated which got the government in.
Errol, errol, errol, errol, woo up boy, woo up. How are you all today Errol? Errol's good?
I'm good too. How are you going? Very well, after all those things you just said, very thankful to be a regional Queenslander up here in the Channel Country. Came off the dirt bike out in Mates Place the other day so I'm feeling a bit sore but yeah thankful that I'm not down in Melbourne. So we'll get out to the French Quarter and make the most of it and we should get into the news wrap shouldn't we? Get right into it. We are gonna start off with some good news, some great news.
Work here is done says Australia as troops leave Afghanistan with no roads or libraries. Time to pat ourselves on the back because it seems like Australia's longest war is over. A week after withdrawing our remaining 80 troops the Prime Minister has closed our embassy in the capital Kabul citing safety concerns and it's a great sign that all of this hard work has finally paid off. Job well done 25,000 Australians have served in Afghanistan over the years costing our country billions of dollars that definitely wouldn't have been better spent on you know public housing for all those homeless veterans who served in the other wars that we definitely didn't need to be in before this one. So time to toast another victory. Pleased to say Bronwyn Bishop got in a bit of strife for a Liberal Party funded helicopter ride and it's good to know all our young men and women in uniform will no longer have to take those Liberal Party funded helicopter rides of their own to the Middle East. Which doesn't seem to be in any better state than it was when we arrived. Yes a few decades after the CIA bankrolled and set up the Taliban they are indeed defeated.
Back on home soil now and the Queensland energy grid has been crippled this week by an unreliable coal power plant. Yes hundreds of thousands of homes in our state were plunged into darkness earlier this week after an explosion at the Callide power plant up near Billy Wheeler. This comes after years of state and federal governments telling people that coal fired power plants despite their effect on the environment are reliable sources for the energy grid. Just when I thought you two bastards were completely scomo pilled here you go taking on green energy. Well plenty of people around Queensland are now asking whether we should start thinking about trying to create more stable and sustainable energy options.
That's moving forward into the future of course a question that hasn't been answered by the Premier just yet. Some suggestion Nokia batteries might get run to prop up these wind and... They can get you can bang them around they'll they'll last they'll keep moving they will weeks at a time.
Some news from here in town and a local boomer doesn't want that shitty blood clot jab they want the good one Scotty had and I might throw to you on this one first Clancy. Stupid old bastard. Yes someone who's paid their taxes the whole life has rejected the government's plan to give them the death jab as he calls it not us.
He said to us they want to give me the bloody astro zucchini or whatever it's called. That one kills you according to the media. Well according to the newspapers that I read and the news that I watch on Sky News all owned by the same man of course. I've heard it'll fucking roll you quicker than an inland Taipan. Shove that death serum up your ass Prime Minister. Give me the one you had the Michelle Pfeiffer. That's the good one that's the one I fucking want. And we are going to jump quickly in with.
Well if he was a red blooded patriot he wouldn't be having a fucking vaccine at all. He'd do his own research and he'd learn that these vaccines. He got the first dibs just like he did the first dibs on the housing market and free education he can take the fucking jab he's been given.
Nah I'm sick of the time of these whinching cunts all of them. I don't know how this is going to be tenable going forward with this you know like. No one wants to listen to anyone's opinion anymore. What is going on? Cancel culture's gone too far.
Dick Jarpey might be on your side with this one Errol. He said I'm not getting that mRNA jab either. They might be good at fixing your car when you break down and selling things like insurance and stuff. But what do they know about COVID shots? Bugger all I tell you. It's the Michelle Pfeiffer for me. Oh so is only a half sheep. Some more political news now and a headline from a couple of days ago.
Clive Palmer is stuck in an empty pool and he can't get out.
Yes it's a scary situation isn't it when you know the media throws up smoke and mirrors like this. But you know after fronting the press with Israel Palau in a bid to get the Bible bashing former star back into the game of rugby league. The larger than life Queenslander has somehow ended up at the bottom of a waterless Olympic pool. Yes it's not known how he got there but foreign emergency crews had to work around the clock to free him. All while a crowd of onlookers gathered around and threw things at him. An ABC journal reportedly threw a couple of litres of olive oil on the floor of the pool causing him to slip over and send the crowd into a bit of a frenzy of hysterical laughter. It sounds like it would have been fucking funny but the fact that there was an ABC journal wasn't complicit in you know the humiliation of Clive Palmer.
It doesn't surprise me. You're right. I tend to agree with Errol on this one.
ABC always broadcasting communism. Mate I'll tell you what if that bloody Mark McGowan was there he'd be whipping him with dog chains. It'd be like some sort of cruel unusual punishment you wouldn't see outside of a Russian prison.
Quite a scene. Our reporter was down there but she finished her shift before Palmer was freed. We believe he has been helped out of the pool and is resting up at home but we're working to confirm that one. He gives a shit. Who knows Errol.
Now we're going to finish up with some alcohol related news. Just a vodka coke raspberry thanks mate. Says newly bloke who might be worth steering clear of. If you're not familiar with the drink commonly referred to as the blood of the steelworks. According to the Macquarie dictionary hunter region edition a VCR consists of one shot of vodka, one shot of raspberry cordial and the remainder of the glass filled with coca-cola. Which results in a sweet tasting drink that causes trouble in whatever pub is reckless enough to serve it. And the alarm bells were flashing at a local patoota watering hole for some local drinkers yesterday. When a man from Newcastle by the name of Joey Knight decided to order three of these colourful drinks and head back to the table to treat his oblivious companions. Yeah well outside of Newcastle though in parts of Queensland I've heard that a VCR stands for vodka coke and rum.
That also sounds like it might cause a bit of trouble. I'm more of a fan of the Caxton Street car bomb which is a shot of Bundaberg rum dropped into a full schooner of patoota bitter or 4x bitter whichever part of Queensland you're in. Or powers bitter. Powers bitter actually in some parts of the Yatla region. That causes trouble as well. It's an interesting scenario to order a drink that you know may result in you being in handcuffs.
But I guess if that's part of your culture and it certainly is in the hunter region I guess you just go along with it. Anyway that is probably enough for this news wrap this week. Have a great weekend, enjoy a VCR or two and we'll talk to you next time. |
cracked | taking_down_amazon_com_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex working the night away to bring you another It's time. I did some hard-hitting issue driven video making Today we're talking about amazon.com to research Amazon. I made my very first Amazon order I was so broke before this job and received This it's called a selfie stick and it lets you take better videos Which is great because this is my most important video yet Amazon.com friend of the American worker or a notorious big brother. Oh, wow. That is that is fucking cool Okay Amazon.com friend of the American worker or a security-enforcing big brother bent on global domination At the Supreme Court this week Amazon wait wait wait You just sweep it in there Shit nuts that's cool the American workplace do we I've never seen the office this way. I am a human jib. I'll bet this is how dinosaurs ceased up Yeah, Adam Todd Brown, I think I will look at your mouse pad my robot arm cannot love No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no monkey clock monkey clock who would own him with How is it past 3 30 in the morning in closing Amazon OMG Subscribe to crack.com or Be physical discomfort. I won't kill you, but it's good. You gotta get such as that |
SaturdayNightLive | space_shuttle_snl | One, Two, one, and solid. Better attention and good job. Okay, Houston, everything looks real good up here. all the comforts of home. Scheduled Eva should commence at 0700 hours, sir.
Oh, Roger, Columbia, you're going for another orbit, so we'll shut down here while you guys get some shut-eye. Roger, okay, boys, wave good night. this is Columbia.
Five, clear to Houston. hold little buggers for a while. Uh, shall we stir the canisters in the aft section, Captain? uh, Roger, why don't you and Frank run an ozone check while you're back there? I'm recycling now.
Sir, bay doors remain closed, Captain. Roger. aye, sir.
I love you. What, what was that? I love you, Captain Smalley. I'm sorry, Bob, what'd you say? I said that I love you. I'm totally in love with you, Captain. uh, Lieutenant, when you say you love me, do you mean that you love me as a human being, Or do you love me as, say, one might love the state of Connecticut? Or the Liberty Bell, like you love the Liberty Bell. Or are you saying that you love me, um, you know, like a lover, Like a man who loves a woman? I'm saying that I'm crazy about you, Sir.
I've been crazy about you ever since we met back in flight school and I became an astronaut just so I could be close to. you. And I volunteered for this trip so we could spend some time together. I love you so much. you're gonna abort the mission, Bob. you're making this very hard on me, Paul. I don't know what to do. love me back.
Bob, this isn't funny. we have a job to do up here. You heard what Houston said. this is our time to be alone. time to be together. Hey, well, you picked one hell of a time to go, uh, squirrely on me here. I'm not going squirrely, Captain. I'm in love. can't you understand that? Bob, Bob, look, I don't want to report this to Houston. you don't want me to report this to Houston, So let's just get back to work, Okay? would you hold me, Captain? But just knock it off, huh? Captain, everything's secure in the cargo hold. telemetry readings are recording to flight plan. Yeah, great. nice work, guys. look, why don't you stick around? lots to do up here. Captain, now that Houston's off our back, what do you say? We go to bed? huh? get some sleep. that's a good idea. I'm gonna turn in, Captain. wait, wait, wait.
You know, now that we're alone, something's come up, and I think that we should discuss it, because, well, I just don't think it's something that Nasa should know about. Sure, Captain. what's on your mind? Well, Bob here has just told me something that's, uh. Sparley. what? Bob, would you care to talk about it? we're all in on this together. we have nothing to hide. I believe the last thing I said to you concerned, the Eva at 0700, Captain. well, that's not true.
All right. All right. that's the way you want it.
Bob here has told me that he loves me. Hey, now, I think that's something serious. I mean, I'm up here orbiting this stinking little used space shuttle or going around the earth, and I got a co-pilot that tells me that he loves me. when he said he loved you, did he mean the way you love Connecticut? No. no. he loves me the way a man loves a woman. But isn't that what you said?
Now, Lieutenant, that's what you told me. you said that you love me. Now, say it. you love me, don't you? is that an order, Captain? Yes, that's an order now. Tell me you love me. All right, Sir, I love you. there, see? I love you, too, Captain. me, too. I love you, too, Captain. no, no, guys, guys, you don't understand. this guy, Lieutenant Bob here, loves Captain Paul, All right? it's what he said. the man, he loves me. he totally, the man's crazy about me.
I'll be up five. this is Fitzs. Houston. I think we should answer that, Captain. it's become crazy, don't you? No, sir. Sir, don't you think we should answer Houston before they think there's trouble? Go ahead, Houston.
Roger, Columbia.
Sorry to bother you guys, but Nbc wants to get some pictures of you for their late-night news. So what do you say? You open up the camera for us down here, huh? Howdy, Houston. how you doing? everything's great up here. we're having a good time. right, boys? yeah, we're having a great time. wave to the people, boys. thank you. |
TheOnion | FBI_Offering_1_Million_Reward_For_Any_Information_On_Cheetahs | The FBI announced today it is offering an up to $1 million reward for any information on cheetahs. Special Agent in Charge Jeremy Hastings spoke to the press earlier this morning. Basically we're asking anyone who knows any facts about cheetahs to come forward immediately. Especially anyone who is aware of how fast cheetahs are, where cheetahs live, or how fast the fastest cheetah ever was. Additionally, we want to know if cheetahs can jump, and if so, how high they can jump. Can they climb trees? This is stuff we're looking to find out. Bureau officials said they were searching for any details about cheetahs, including key facts about what cheetahs eat, why they're so fast, and whether or not a cheetah could outrun a motorcycle in a 100 meter race. Right now, any lead will help.
Like if a cheetah fought a lion, who would win? Are little cheetahs faster than big cheetahs? Or do they get faster as they get older?
If you have any of this information, we urge you to contact us. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | eddie_in_new_jersey_snl | Hi. A few years ago, I moved to a small town in New Jersey. and my pal, Eddie Murphy, would come out occasionally. we'd hang out, and he would always comment how much he would like to live there. So sure enough, this past summer, Eddie became a neighbor. Now, I really never thought he'd do it, because, I mean, you've got to understand, Eddie is a very urban kind of guy. But I got to tell you, Eddie is really getting into living in the suburbs. So the last time I was at his house, I took along a camera. so you could see Eddie Murphy in New Jersey. Just like any other guy in the suburbs, Eddie drives to and from work every day. I guess most stars of Eddie's stature unwind with wild parties, drinking, and with drugs. Eddie, he enjoys puttering around the house. Oh, sure, you're going to get the usual suburban hassles. but Eddie is adapting first to it. You know, I always knew Eddie would be community-minded.
I don't think the town realizes how important it is that we should have a crossing guard at that corner. But president of the Block Association? organize and, like, have a monthly cake sale or something. And talk about domestic tranquility. And what does Eddie do on his day off?
Just like you and me, he enjoys an old-fashioned barbecue. I never had grits with steak before. Just eat it. Eddie Murphy, movie star, comedian, guy next door. |
dropout | Pete_Holmes_Badman_Complete_Series | Come on, man, I got kids to feed! Oh, they don't like falafel? Don't you guys thought it'd be a bad idea? Thank you, that solves most of my problems!
Where were the other drugs going? I never knew! Wait, what? I said, where were the other drugs going?
Why are you talking like that? It's a bad voice. It's a bat. Really kind of goes against the whole dark Batman thing. Are you kidding me? I worked on that like all day. I was like, bat, sonar, high, squeaky. It's not scary, it's silly. I ran this by people I know, and they loved it.
It's bad. Bad? This is embarrassing.
Can I please show you another one? Sure. Where were the other drugs going? Fuckface. Malkovich? Yeah. It's scary.
It's like, I'm better! I'm stronger! Batman!
No, no, it's totally wrong. Where were the other drugs going, huh?
How's this game?
Why, why Pacino? Maybe I am Pacino, you don't know. What's he do at night, huh?
Fight crime. I'm not a Batman. Hello, Governor. Where were the drugs going? You're representing Gotham. I wouldn't, I wouldn't go British. Hey, how you doing? Where were the other drugs going, huh? It's not good. Hey!
Where were the drugs going? Where were the other drugs going? Yeah. Don't be a star of those druggas. Where were the other drugs going? The silly, silly drugs. Where are they? And some hobbitses. Where, where were the drugs? Supposed to be Dustin Hoffman. Where were the other drugs going?
Huh? Do I look like I got to you? Huh?
Oh, okay. Yeah, fine.
Where were the other drugs going? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What was that? What? Do that again. Where were the other drugs going? You know what?
That's not bad. I just lost my voice. Yeah, that sounds good.
You're not just saying that? Yeah, no, I swear to God. Swear to me!
Calvary, I'm coming home. What do you mean, who is this? He's proof. Who else has this number?
Leave no traces. Towards the place. I gotta take a piss.
Why does he do that every time we're committing a crime? Having trouble? Too seriously? You want my opinion?
Well, Girl Scouts, you need the enlightenment. Wait, what? Girl Scouts! What, you're scared of Girl Scouts?
Knock on the door. I don't have any cash. Maybe I didn't use enough of this stuff.
Yes. Feel the fear. No.
Sleeveless t-shirt. Sleeveless shirts. Your torso is worn. One of your arms.
Wait, wait. Wait, hold on, hold on.
Roomba! You jump off of buildings and you fight criminals and you're scared of Roombas? How does it know where to go if we don't push it?
Wow. Just... Wow. Oh my god, what is it now?
Yogelaylay! Take it away! It's jingle jangles telling me I'm in a club bed! Why would you be afraid of that? Fluorescent lightbulbs. Save the Earth, but at what weird twisty cost? Okay. Jingly keys. Fight for babies, not for Batman. I don't understand. Intimacy. Wait, I gotta check this. Hold on. Hey, wake up. Now what do you see? It's... Fire. Oh god, make it stop! See, that makes sense to me.
Stay away, Christopher McDonald.
Hey, Batman, how you doing? Oh my god, are you kidding me?
Goose McKenzie, you keep your distance. Goose McKenzie, that...
Going way back. You know, most people know me as Shooter McGavin, but thanks for all my work. Ah! The television show Double Down!
Invisalign braces. A bag of sun chips. Babe Ruth's tiny lens.
Bats! See, that makes sense, because you're afraid of bats, so you dress like a bat so you could frighten your enemies. Bats like a... Bats.
Baths. Baths like a bath. Yep. Taking a quick shower is just as refreshing and uses one third the water.
And you are Gotham's savior. It's wasteful! Screw this. You're burning alive!
This doesn't scare you. No, it's actually kind of a relief. Just keep those rumors away from me. They're like little electronic girlfriends.
I mean, I mean nobody. Certainly not the butler who raised me. Can you come? Wait! You could die. At least tell me your name. He's not who I am underneath. What would I do?
Bruce? No. Oh my god, you totally are. Bruce. What? No way. Ok, well that whole what I do that defines me thing I said that to Bruce three days ago and told no one else, so that would mean you're Bruce. You're being crazy. How could I be Bruce Wayne? See, I didn't even say Wayne. I just said Bruce. Oh, I saw Bruce Wayne at the bank and he told me about your conversation. Oh, you guys hang out? Yeah. Bruce Wayne is kind of the coolest. Oh really?
You should go out with him. He's free Friday. Miss Doss, thank god you're safe.
Commissioner, you're not going to believe this. What, Bruce Wayne is Batman? What? Come on. Wait, you knew that? It's like super obvious.
Disappears for a bunch of years, comes back, he's in incredible shape. Well that totally makes sense because one time when we were kids I saw him get thrashed by bats.
Get this, I was just driving in the Batmobile like tank thing. I look in the glove box and it's registered to Bruce Wayne. That is baloney. Batman gave me a periscope the other night and it said Wayne Enterprises on it. What is that? Oh, this'll this'll clear things up. There's Bruce Wayne just behind you.
Turn and let's put this paranoia to rest. Turn around. Okay. Nope, don't see him. Guess we'll turn back around. Don't turn around. Wait, wait. Let me know. Don't turn.
Okay, now you can. Hi, Rachel, Commissioner Gordon.
I was just water skiing from a hovercraft, you know doing reckless billionaire type stuff like I do. Still have your eye makeup on. No, this I was I was hit in the face. These are black eyes. I've been fighting crime.
No. Not that. Irregardless.
Rachel, my childhood friend, and Gordon? Is that it for we've never once met?
I'm not the Batman. I'm Bruce Wayne. So the city's being sprayed with fear gas and you came here just to tell us you're not Batman.
It's perfect. That is perfectly put. And you know who can confirm it? Oh, right there. Right behind you.
It's Batman. Bruce Wayne is right, guys. He's not Batman.
Wrong voice. I'm ashamed. I don't know what I have to do to prove to you that I'm not Batman. Shit.
I can see how you might think we're the same person, but I'm wearing the cape, aren't I? Yes. Look, here we are. Two completely separate people. Hey, Batman. Hey, how's the car? How are you, Batman? I'm doing real good. Just spending my day not being Bruce Wayne. Well, I'm convinced. If we were the same person, could I do this? Hey, Batman, how was your day? Pretty good.
I went down I went down to find the And then the river. The river.
Clayface. Admit it, you're Batman. Look, we can go on and on about who or who isn't the vigilante Batman, but I think it's time we consider the fact that the Batman is actually a half-man, half-bat who doesn't even have a secret identity. Batman gave this club to me.
Because you guys hang out. Yes, we do. He's kind of the coolest. Not some time.
Rachel! Batman! Rachel! Batman!
Not so fast. Riddle me this Batman. River, no. If you aim to give us a shot, we'll riddle you. What are we? That is a stumper. Say that again. If you aim to give us a shot, we'll riddle you. Batman. It's both. You think the answer to my riddle.
I heard Rachel say it. Don't worry about what she says. Where is it? Helicopter. Alright, now what what did I say that would make you think helicopter? It's what you said.
If your aim if your aim is to I have no idea. Man, I'm just I'm just shooting in the dark. Listen, if you aim with a gun to give us a shot we'll riddle you. With little pieces of metal that are called What do they call what's going to come out of the gun?
Injustice. The tools of cowards and criminals.
Are you serious right now because I've got about ten more of these riddles that are way harder than this one. This is like just to introduce the concept of me riddling you. I got it. It's you. You're riddling me. In this context, the word riddle doesn't mean a joke or a brain teaser.
Sometimes words have different meanings like the word bat could be an animal or a baseball bat. I'm a bat. You're not a bat.
Is the answer a small boy's Sunday trousers? No. Is it? Is this a line of braces? For real, what do you even see in this guy? Honestly, I don't know right now. Is it a bag of steel cut oats?
Multiple choice. Great. Great idea. What comes out of a gun? A. Bullets. That sounds good to me.
What are B and C? There is no B and C. No B and C?
Crap. Lucius. I need help.
It's a riddle. If you shoot and aim, I'll riddle you. Is it helicopters? Right? That's what I said. It's bullets! Riddles with bullets is a common expression. Okay, wait. How could a bullet riddle me? It doesn't have a mouth. Oh my God! I told you the riddle. The answer was bullet. Then I was going to shoot you. Like this. Yeah. You're going to tell riddles? You shouldn't give away the answer.
No, I'm... I took the Batwing. I think I can find my own way home. You sure? This guy is beautiful tonight. Batman, what's going on? Yeah, call it off. I'm pretty sure it was a helicopter. This guy just didn't want to admit I got so fast.
Looks like we're making progress. Well, we can track the money now, thanks to you. Lightly radiated bills. The mob doesn't know that the money's been marked. We should be able to trace it back to its source.
And prosecute. There's a willing DA. Harvey Dent. Can he be trusted? Hell, he seems to be about the best that we've...
What was that? What, are you sneaking away? No. Is this your little vanishing routine? What? Is this the part where I turn, and then I turn back, and all of a sudden you're gone? No.
Harvey Dent. Can he be trusted? Well, he seems to be about the... Seems to be about the best that we've... Harvey Dent. Can we trust him? Seems to be about the best that we've... Got.
Batman?
I found something. You found something? I found evidence. Here. Someone left some evidence. We would have never found that evidence without you. I'll analyze it. With science.
We are always in your debt, Batman. Harvey Dent. Can we trust him? Well, he seems to be about the best...
Wait. Wait one second. Okay. Don't look for a second. He's the best we've got. Now? Wait for a second. Hold on. Okay. Now. Wait. No. Not now. Now. Okay, now. About the best we've got. Got it.
Actually, could you leave that on? I dropped my wallet. I gotta go to bed. Swear to me!
Alright, Wiggles the Clown. Drunk and disorderly at a children's party.
Evening, Commissioner. What the hell? Isn't that... Yeah, I know who that is. Hi. Do you want to know how I got these scars? But then that means Batman is...
Oh, God! Come on! Oh, my head. Everything's so fuzzy. Ow!
Who punches a hand? Hey, here I am.
I didn't want you. I don't even know who you are. Where's Dent? I don't know who Dent is. I think you broke my balloon tie hand. You're Garbage who kills for money. No, I'm Wiggles. Garbage is a different clown that works the East End of... Where's Dent? I don't know.
I was hired by Leo Bonner for his son's birthday. I do close-up magic.
I have one rule. I am so sorry I broke your rule, giant bat. All I drank was two beers and some cooking cherries.
Which is? The fortified wine! Great Scott, come on!
Where are they? Oh! Where are they? Oh, my God! Where are they?
I got drunk at a birthday party, I'm sorry! Damn it! Stop, stop, stop!
Where are they?
It's not the Joker. It's a birthday clown. You stop punching him in the face. Really? That's not the Joker. That's the Joker? No, that's not... Looks like the Joker. No, look at him. He is not the Joker.
Right. Full disclosure, part of me knew that. Yeah, it was embarrassing to stop, what do you say? So I just kind of owned it. I gave you the beating, not that you deserved, but the one that he needed. He didn't do anything. Harvey did. Right. Can we trust him?
We're past that. There's nowhere to go in here.
You want... You want one of my telescopes?
I am so sorry about that, Wiggles. A little bit of a mix-up down here. My father was a drinker. And a fink.
Come on! Where are they?
Damn it! Harvey, just put the gun down. You're not going to hurt my family. No. Just the person you love most. So who is it? Harvey, just put the gun down, please. God damn it, stop putting that gun on my family, Dad! No! You don't want to hurt the boy, Two-Face.
It's not about what I want. It's about what's fair. See, you thought that we could be decent.
Harvey, thank God you're here. Two-Face took Gordon's boy hostage. Two-Face, you're back. What are you talking about? Give up the boy. Nothing fair ever came out of the barrel of a gun. He knows what happened to me, right? Harvey, now you're back. Use that gun you're holding next time Two-Face shows his faces. Is this because you can only see one half of my face when I'm talking to him? Harvey, where did you go? Two-Face is back and he looks super pissed. Yeah.
Because I'm Harvey Dent. Nice try, Two-Face, but your tricks won't work on me. I'm the world's greatest detective. Batman, Harvey Dent is Two-Face. What? Batman, remember you went to save Rachel, but it wasn't Rachel. It was Harvey Dent.
Remember half of his face? This half of his face was in the gasoline?
Just stop me when you start remembering this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want you to know I'm completely lost. You really don't remember any of that?
Half my face melted and now I'm insane. Full disclosure, it's kind of been a crazy day and this shit's really hot.
I gotta go in and out. This is the guy that beat the Joker. Yeah, I don't know how he did it. I used my skills then I learned to go mountains.
Batman, listen, Harvey Dent is Two-Face. They're the same person. So Harvey used to be Two-Face. I am Two-Face. I have two faces. Okay? I'm Harvey Dent and I'm Two-Face. I'm Two-Face and I'm Harvey Dent.
Okay, you know what? Let's start over. What do you see? Harvey Face. Good. Now what do you see? Scary face. Okay. Put them both together. What do you see? Two-Face. Yes, yes. What have you done with Harvey and Scary Face?
They've done nothing to you.
Okay. Here we go. Right now. We're doing this.
Everybody's going to get the same chance that Rachel got at fifty-fifty. How can we possibly determine that? By flipping a fucking coin! Yeah, let's just flip a coin. That's heads or tails. We need fifty coins and then fifty more. Fifty-fifty.
Seriously? And then my computer will analyze it with science. I'm going to flip to see if I get to kill you first. It's heads. Which means I can't kill him. Does anybody here object to a redo? Nope. Shoot him. Come on. Awesome. I guess that's the end of Scary Face. Give me my son, Dipship. You know, you'll never get out of here alive, Cobble-Pod. Be quiet and wait your turn.
And me, Batman. I don't kill. He's not like you, Cobble-Pod. Your stupid rule will be your downfall. You know that, right, Batman? I'm not a coward who hides behind a gun. I would never take the life of another. For I am...
Batman, look out! The Dark Knight. The last remaining beacon of morality in the shadows of this town.
Wait, what was that? What?
You just said you don't kill. Yeah, I know. It's like my one rule.
Yeah, Batman, why don't you look at the guy there? He's asleep.
No, wait, what? Oh, I see what's happening. You guys don't know this.
But when criminals fight me, it's exhausting. Because I'm good.
So they often have to nap afterwards. Wait, you can't be... You think they're sleeping.
Look at that poor little guy. He's all tuckered out.
Oh my God, do you not know what death is? I totally know what it is. Don't be stupid. Let's just back it up a little bit to talk about what hero I am. Batman, you have to know what death...
I mean, your parents were shot and killed. My parents were shot, yes.
But they're alive on a special farm. Oh boy, they're on a farm. They're on a special happy farm where they make buttermilk.
They romp and play. There's a hammock made of dreams.
Wow, I can't even... They write me emails. Wow.
I don't understand what you find hard to believe. Batman, look out! About any of that. It's a very plausible situation.
Old rich people go to farms.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding?
I'm the one you're after? Yeah. Wow! See, this is what we're talking about. What you just did. You killed that guy. Come here. That head wound. It's got to be taking its toll because you are making zero sense.
Yeah, Gordon, just let me try. Okay? Please. Batman, what do you have on your wrists? I'm not wearing hockey pads. That's all right. I know. Listen.
What are the metal, sharp, stabby things? These are triangle blades to use against my foes.
They go to sleep just like me. Just like me. And then they wake up, just like me.
Usually with a boner. I call it the bad signal.
No, they die. There's no boners. They don't get sleepy. They die.
Wait, but my fish, he went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet. He's in the ocean right now. He's alive. No, he's dead.
Dr. Fishy! No! You see, Batman, what you did to Dr. Fishy is what you've done to these men. I overfed these men? No, you killed them.
Oh, major game changer. Before, I didn't understand, but now I got it. We're on the same page. Good.
You're saying if I go to sleep, I die? No, oh my God, no. Wow. Well, it doesn't matter either way, because I'm about to give you a personal lesson in death.
What happened to no guns? This is a gun?
You're an idiot! Shh, not so loud. You'll wake him. Break the trigger! I broke you.
How have you come back? You think you're the only one? I did not escape.
The child of Ra's al Ghul made the climb. But he is not the child of Ra's al Ghul.
I am. Talia. Marilla. Talia, al Ghul, here to finish my father's work.
We totally had sex. Yes, I know. You know, like, hardcore. Three times.
It was all a cruel ploy to gain your confidence. That was a cruel ploy?
Sign me up for another. It was great. When the mission is at hand, no act is off limits. Oh, I agree. Nothing was off limits. It was like an all-you-can-fuck buffet.
Okay, Bruce, that's enough. Okay, let's get back on track. You must be wondering how we came to this moment, Mr. Wayne. Let me see if I recollect.
Some stuff happened. You sucked my dick. My father. Like a lot. My father never accepted Bane. How was that, by the way? Are you done? I hadn't showered that day. And I fight crime in a rubber suit. Really seals in the flavor. Oh, dude, Jesus.
My father only saw a monster who could not be tamed. You tamed my monster.
Okay, just shut up, okay? With your mouth. Stop! And two other places. Okay. In an order that would surprise you. Enough! Math, math, math. All right, that's it.
That is my love you're speaking to. I am her protector. That's ironic. Because we didn't use any protection. And I offered. You motherfucker. No, no, no, Bane, it's fine.
These words will be his last. Her last words were spit in my mouth.
Okay, do you understand what's happening right now? A bomb is about to blow up Gotham and I've stabbed you. I stabbed you first.
Okay. With my dick. I got it. Just to clarify, guy who breathes through a crab, it's not the first time one of us has shoved nine hard inches up into somebody's ribs. It wasn't nine inches. Except when I did it to her, she loved it. Enough! Soon you will feel the fire of 12 million souls you failed. So what you're saying is by touching that red spot in just the right way, there's an explosion? Exactly. We get it.
You know I'm good at it. I do the alphabet. A is for Alfred. B is for Bats. It's a clitoris.
I get it. You don't have to show me. I found it. I'm the world's greatest detective. Give it.
Yes, how does it feel to have something hard penetrate your body? No? Nothing? I mean I could think of like ten off of that.
I'm sorry. All sex jokes aside, I am losing quite a bit of blood. You're an idiot. Alright, fuck this. I'm just going to blow up Gotham now. Goodbye my love. Wait, are you crying right now?
Jesus, his face is all wet. Like mine was at the beginning. And he's back.
And yours was at the end. Press the button. You gave Gordon away to block my signal. No matter, you bought yourself 11 minutes. What you should buy yourself is another pair of panties.
I totally hid these from you when you were in the john. That's a lot of memories.
Huh? You want a little? Which one of these tubes do you smell out of? Now, you have my permission to cry. What are you doing?
The core explodes in two minutes. I can fly it out over the bay.
You could have gone anywhere, but you came back here. So did you. I guess we're both suckers.
Shouldn't people know the hero who saved them? The hero can be anyone.
Even a man doing something as simple as putting a coat on a young boy's shoulders. He may or may not have been that boy. Oh, really? The boy who, I don't know, maybe had just had his parents murdered.
Right. Making me... Oh, my God, you're Bruce Wayne. You know there's a bomb that's gonna go off. Shh.
It's not who I am underneath. But what you do that defines you. It's what I do that defines me.
I forgot to mention, no autopilot. So I'm straight up sacrificing myself for my city.
Oh, that is so sad. Oh, look at the time. Video relic for a masked vigilante whose name we don't even know. Perhaps Bruce Wayne. Oh, my God, he hasn't left yet. I told him. Batman, aren't you forgetting something really important? Oh, right. Selena, I forgot to give you the clean slate. Look at that.
You already gave me the clean slate. So you can go... The clean slate. The ultimate tool for a master thief with a record. I already know, but it... The clean slate that wipes your record clean. Clean as a clean slate. Tell them about the clean slate. Just go. Clean slate.
I forgot to do my stretching. All right, you're about to die, so you don't really need to stretch. Okay. It's a little morbid, but fair point. I'm out of here.
One more thing. I can't help but feel like our kiss was rushed. What? For a last kiss on Earth. It's like a seven. I feel like I should get another shot. If she kisses you, will you leave?
Totally. I'm sorry. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Sorry.
It's been a while since a bat's been in the cave, if you know what I mean. So you're not even a bat. You're a pig.
Save the goddamn city! Okay. I'll go. Drop the bomb in the bay. The bay. Where it won't hurt us all. Good. Thank you. The bay. Yep. Sitting on the dock in the bay.
Please don't. Hutch in the tide. Roll away.
Oh my god, we're gonna die. You're only writing up to blow your brains out!
Okay. Please go! Okay. Sorry. Leave! Please! One last question. What?
Harvey Dent. Oh fuck, my face.
Can we trust him? No, we can't trust him because he's two-faced and he's dead and you killed him and Bane told him to just leave!
Fine. Jesus believe it. How does this thing even work? It's new. I'm still getting the hang of it. There it is. There's a button marked down. Oh, one more thing.
Tell Alfred to suck it. We're saved. We need to get rid of the bomb. Oh, what a hero!
Huh? Hey, what are you doing for the next couple months? You wanna go to the same cafe in Italy with me every day and wait for my butler?
Fuck this. I know you're here. You can come out. What do you want, Clark? It's like this, Bruce. Sooner or later, somebody's gonna ask me to bring you in. Someone with authority. When that happens... When that happens, Clark, you're the best man to win. Bruce, I think it's time we put our differences aside and work together.
What? You mean... why?
You're Batman. Yeah, and I have no special powers. I'm basically just rich and nuts. Rich and nuts. Bruce, your scientific mind alone...
Is completely useless when we have a man that bullets literally bounce off of. Your fighting skills. My main nemesis is Bane. Basically just a roided-out jock with a gas mask, and he straight-up broke my back. You could have taken him down with one hand, and with the other hand, he could have just jerked you. Super jerk!
It's just... they're cool. Oh, okay. I get it. You're having an image problem. Don't be ridiculous. I'm Superman. Yeah, exactly!
You're fucking white bread. You're boring. Look at you in your stupid outfit.
My father gave me this outfit. And your dad's dead. Get over your dead parents already. Didn't your parents die?
Don't bring it up! I was a boy! Now I'm a bat! I'm sorry. My suit is cool, because I made it myself. Daddy's boy. You got a stupid S on your chest in case we can forget who you are.
It's my people's symbol for hope. Hope starts with an H, stupid.
Okay, stop. Face it. You're lame. You're wearing eye makeup! Fuck you!
I didn't just inherit my abilities from a different fucking atmosphere. This hair makes me strong, you fucking nerd, with your nerd hair.
Batman. Superman. I saw the bat signal.
What's going on? Commissioner Gordon, Batman and I were discussing a partnership. Wait, but why?
That's what I said. Yeah, that seems completely unnecessary. Right? I've been dealing with you lunatics for about a decade, and this is, I can't believe it, when I say this, I'm in total agreement with Batman. Feels good. Why are you guys being this way? Somebody's gotta tell you, man.
You're boring. Pretty lame.
Even your alter ego, I mean, I picked like 1970s Hugh Hefner. You picked like one of the Newsies. Yeah, what is up with that? I didn't base my alter ego off of the musical Newsies. Which Newsie did you base Clark Kent on? I base Clark Kent off of.
Why is he crutchy? I'm not crutchy. I'm getting a strong feeling that he was crutchy. I'm not crutchy. And I prefer if we didn't discuss my alter ego around the commissioner. Take it easy, crutchy.
I know that you're Clark Kent. What? Um, newsflash, it takes a little more than wearing a hat and or glasses to fool people. Really? Check this out. Watch. Uh-oh, I'm someone else. Are you fooled?
I'm not Commissioner Gordon. He's gone. Who are you? Where's Commissioner Gordon? Oh, you're back. Commissioner, there was someone else.
Superman, you saw him. There was another man. Okay, okay, okay. He's hiding in the shadows. The man's gone.
You know what? Screw you guys. Just forget it. You know, all this lameness might be one of the reasons why you've never been able to seal the deal with Lois Lane. Leave her out of this. She's always just throwing that brassy, sassy news reporter poon in your face.
Like, hey, this just in. Put this just in me. Stop. What's the point of being the Man of Steel if you don't know how to use all that metal? Hit it. Enough!
You're adorable. What are you gonna do, sweetie? Furnish with your magic eyes?
That'd be a first. I always use it for something lame, like cutting through an iceberg or heating up an old woman's porridge. Is that soup too cold, madam? I'd use that stuff to take off Bane's arms.
Stop it. I came here to team up, not to be berated. Hey, Clark, guess what I'm doing under the cape. Use your x-ray vision. I'll save you the trouble. I'm giving you the bird. What's this mean on Krypton?
Gratitude? Ouch. Goodbye. What a dick. Yeah. The letter S is also the symbol for hope on my planet. I'm glad they're dead. Wow.
Where is the Commissioner?
Oh, you're back. And I hate you again. Yeah. I'm confused easily. We're excited to have you as an intern, Jim. I'm sorry things didn't work out at the Gotham PD. Would you say you were doing for them again?
Commissioner. Anyway, we're going to set you up with an intern to sort of show you the lay of the land. This guy we've been working with for a couple of months. Oh, there he is. Commissioner. Looks like we're working together again.
We're not fighting crime, fighting all of this inefficiencies. So, Intern Gordon, this is the photocopier. Not a big deal to me. It works just like my super computer. Watch. Photocopier. Unusualize. I think you just pressed the Queen button. Wait for it.
If you're going to answer the phone, you've got to pick a voice that the customer is going to like. Hello, college killer. It's too scary. I sound like a bat.
Okay. So I like to do something like, Hello. Yeah. I live in Queens. Hello.
Deborah. Mom, leave us alone.
I got two boys. They're twins.
You're invading our privacy. I don't have boundaries with my parents.
This is the kitchen. I like to start my day with a bowl of fruited loop cereal. Called Fruit Loops.
Oh, that guy just took them all. I'll get them.
With the skills I learned in the mountains. Excuse me, where's the H.T.? Get out of here. You learned that in the mountains?
Yeah, that and how to trip balls on a blue flower. It's scary at first, but then it gets really trippy and fun.
Like Coachella? It's a lot like Coachella.
Who made your sandwich for you? To tell you my wife. Oh, yeah. Why, who made your sandwich?
Alf.
Probably cat. Cat.
Oh, God. With science. Woo hoo hoo. I'm Garbage the Clown. It's played by Jeff Bridges, man. It's the Joker. Oh, God. Please stop.
Where are you? Ah, that's the Joker. That's the Joker. Where are you?
Copywriter. It's not the Joker. Look, they're just copywriters. Please. They're just doing a clown sketch. It's not the Joker.
Well, I work here, too. What do you write? I don't know. Just jokes.
Here's the Joker.
All right, guys. That's probably enough for today. Thanks so much. Thanks, chief. Well, I guess I'll just leave normally.
One question, though. How do we end? Can we trust him?
Oh, I love this. I love this bit. Get into it.
We're not your shills. We're not your monkeys doing whatever you say for your silly little online TV channel.
What is that? You want to do some half-baked, low-production value version of our sting where we just say catchphrases. How's this for a catchphrase?
Guys, I did not mean to offend at all. I apologize if I offended you or anyone else. I'm so sorry.
Guys? I'm always accepted. Holy shit! You look like the TA at a female sexuality class advancement. Mark?
He wears makeup. He has an afro. The Joker wears...
Sorry, what's the line? You have one rule. I have one rule.
I think I broke my hand. And all of Gotham City. I'm so sorry.
Just last week, I saw a guy waiting for the bus. I thought it was the scarecrow.
I'm pretty sure I killed him. I mean, I straight up murdered him.
Oh my God! I told you a riddle. You were supposed to say bullet, and then I was going to shoot you. Like this. I don't have any time for riddles. Fuck you.
We're not dating. She's dating Bruce Wayne. Who, by the way, is like super cool.
Oh, yeah. Where were the other drugs going, huh? It was Pacino. Like, ah, yeah. Where were the other drugs going?
Yes, it's the Ray Romano. Do I look like a cop? Live in Queens.
Hey. Hey, how you doing?
It's Mark Wahlberg, yeah. I'm the fighter. I was in I, Hot Huckabees. You like that movie? What was that movie about?
Where were the other drugs going? With the zipply dipply stuff, and then you snort them, and you get real high. Really? Where the? She's just going to keep pulling me up and down. Where were the other drugs going? Where were they going?
I want to fuck you.
Where were the other drugs going? Oh my gosh, you won't believe this.
What, Bruce Wayne is Batman? I tell you what, Bats. It's a real dark night, huh? You're driving me, Batty. Who's the Joker now? Joker, we're...
Exorcist.
It's Owlman. Oh, it's the Batman. Speak of him. He's behind you. That'll prove that it's not me, Bruce Wayne.
I'm going to go over here and eat a Faberge egg. Harvey, use that gun you're holding on Two-Face next time he shows his faces. Such a fucking idiot. Scary face?
Remember that? I think I have a recall on this.
Your primal fear is Girl Scouts? No, stop saying it. You'll make them come. Why are we training children to love bears? They are our natural foe.
Great. I don't want to nap. Yield it. Fuck. I want to feel it. Animal style. Our second date, we'll sit in a hammock in the Bahamas. I'm so sorry. Sometimes the sexiest thing a woman can do is forgive.
Rubber sheets, rubber suit, squeegee, aisle 69. That's a big supermarket. The clean slate.
Computer, fix the autopilot. Error, error. No autopilot.
Why am I even doing the voice? You know it's me.
Goodbye, Gordon. Goodbye.
Tell Alfred to suck it. I guess we're both suckers. Arrest the penguin and let Stabby McBreastplate run around.
Good. All right, great. Gotham City, folks. Oh, he's Bruce Wayne. No.
What is your name? My name is Hampton Hangingbork. Hampton... Did you say that because there's a pig hanging next to me? My name is Hampton Huge Vag. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | geek_week_s_global_geekery_monday_cracked_fact_youtube_extra | Hey YouTube.com, welcome again to Geek Week. This is Global Geekery Day. I'm Cody from crack.com. I was actually just in the middle of filming a sketch and I had to come do this so they beat the shit out of me because I'm delaying the shoot over there. Fun fact for Global Geekery Day, Harry Potter, the series that maybe you've heard of, you've probably heard of it.
JK Rowling actually had a terrible time trying to get it published because it's a magical story of friendship and whimsy and good versus evil, so who would be interested in that? She actually had to type out tens and tens and tens and tens of copies of her manuscript to send out to publishers because she couldn't afford a photocopier. One publisher eventually just tossed it to their kid who picked it up and read it in like two or three hours and came back to their dad and said, hey, I want to read more of this, please make more of this. So apparently, if you want to get a children's book published, you need a kid to read it to give their opinion on it because no one had ever thought of that before.
So lesson learned, if you want to do anything, talk to kids first. That's not the lesson. Do something with kids. Something about kids. Lesson is do something to kids. No, do something. Don't talk to kids. |
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