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SaturdayNightLive | q_a_with_please_don_t_destroy_snl | Hi everybody, this is please don't Destroy. we are on two hours of sleep and we cannot wait for this Q and A. Whoo! Ooh, George W. Bush. George Bush, Sr. and Spongebob. Patrick would be a great host, but I feel like he'd have trouble with the cue cards. Martin would be the one to survive on a desert island because he's in the Eagle Scout.
I had a panic attack one time on 126th Street. I had a panic attack at the Aster Place subway station. I haven't had a panic attack in the city, but I did piss my pants on the subway by accident and I was sober.
I've done it on purpose. hey, what'd you look like in high school? I think I was a really cool looking guy. Silent night. since the night, holy night. I was dope. a lot of people ask us if we're really friends in real life and the truth is, almost all of us are. So, you know, it's nice because let's just get through this, guys. thanks for watching this Q and A where. please don't Destroy. And the secret to our relationship is we all hook up with each other. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin recording live from Baxter Boot Studios in downtown Batutah. The date is the 13th of January, it's a Monday, one of the first Mondays back at work for 2020 for many Australians and we're here to provide the news you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course editor at large Errol Parker, how are you Errol? Always good mate, always good, good to be back here for another week. Good stuff. And of course the Natalie Barr of the Diamantina Shire, Wendell Hussey reading the news. What's in the news this week Wendell?
Bushfires, politics, Scotty from marketing are still in the news and we'll get the ball rolling with that again Scotty from marketing surprises Cabargo residents with two tickets to Gold Class. Well I've never actually been into Gold Class, I don't know what the appeal is but Clancy as a member of a large Catholic family that has a bit of a disposable income can you tell us what it's like in there? Well Errol, Gold Class is basically going to the movies with a bit more legroom I guess that's about the size you can get a glass of champagne if you are one of those people who feels like having one glass of champagne before a two and a half hour movie that is on offer but two tickets to Gold Class meant a lot more in the marketing advertising world it is the ultimate gift to or from a client it's no surprise that that's what Prime Minister Morrison had on offer when he returned back to Cabargo to try and win over the residents that had told him to go and get fucked and called him a fuckwit about a week earlier. Well I also heard that he tried to win them over with quotes from Zoolander you know I guess you know he could be going in there and saying well is this a fire response for ants? Yes Zoolander quotes tend to be the go-to for people who lack any real personality and that may may in fact be Scott Morrison's burden at this point in his prime ministership perhaps we are dealing with a prime minister whose entire personality is based on what he's read and learnt in focus groups from the Liberal Party media arm. The files are in the computer. Good stuff Now not everyone was condemning Scotty for that generous ploy with Scott Allen from our town commenting on the story saying wow Gold Class the man's generosity knows no bounds next thing you know he'll be generous enough to send the ADF to yet another Middle Eastern conflict that America wants to fight in. Oh very well love a comment please please continue the commentary to all our readers and all listeners.
Internationally now and the bigger story in hair salons and bowling clubs around the country this week has been Young family faces criticism after choosing to no longer live off welfare Yes talking about the Royals and Megxit of course as it's been described the big decision for Prince Harry and Meghan Megan if you will to move off the royal purse and stand down from royal duties it has a lot of people unhappy for some reason despite the young parents decision to go and have a go and help themselves outside of this cycle of welfare dependency. The move has angered a lot of boomers and of course racist English and just Murdoch newspapers in general. Well I think they're making the right choice I mean I think that Megan's the first normal person to come into this family and she's taken one look at it and gone fuck this crook shit fuck you and and your fucking creepy ass fucking uncle mm-hmm fuck him right to hell and gone and basically had to look around and said alright well the Queen's alright you know she's done a lot of good things her husband's fucking mad her son's a bit of a fucking creep and I'm out Harry let's go yeah it's an interesting one they didn't just wait for Queen Elizabeth the cocket but you know you know how it goes she could live another 10 years at this rate so you want to get out do what's best for the family do it now yeah good on them and on another big international issue now and a local big unit says he's ready for World War three after years of 360 no scope kills on modern warfare 2 rust map yes the firing back and forth of a few rockets between the US and Iran has a local IT manager named Michael Davison quite excited he said he's looking forward to it all teeing off and he'll be ready when it does yeah well having interviewed this bloke for the story Wendell I think from the looks of things I reckon that fat piece of shit it have his top cleared by an Iranian teenager in two seconds well that's what you think just by looking at him but he did say to us I have a fucked up good KD ratio on modern warfare and I'm pretty confident I'll be able to translate my 360 no scope on the PlayStation to our sr-98 7.62 millimeter bolt-action sniper rifle in real life well I hope that we'll never have to come to war again because I reckon a bayonet on the end of an Iranian rifle will expose all the Doritos in that man's tummy then he'll have to respawn somewhere outside of Tehran in local news from around town now and dad automatically suspicious after daughter's boyfriend turns up with pre-mixed drinks look it's not the greatest crime you could commit in the eyes of the father-in-law but yes a lifelong disciple of the forex factory down there in Milton man by the name of Graham says he doesn't care much for these fancy new-age mix of drinks like Canadian club and he's not sure about a future son-in-law who does care for them I mean wait till Graham sees the guava cruises he hasn't seen nothing yet here he hasn't ever seen his son-in-law on day two of a test match if you will dare say Canadian clubs almost a gateway for some of the more flamboyant drinks out there that young men are more than welcome to drink from all counts of the bottle I was going to take your money anyway yeah because I don't think it's particularly easy to strawpedo a forex gold where it is delightfully easy to strawpedo a CC and dry and a couple of Bacardi breezes purple UDLs make for a very nice vortex so Graham you know we all like a cold beer at times as well but lay off the young bloke would you and in other news from around town a local fuckwit buys himself a new pair of fuckwit shoes now what are these shoes are all you wrote this story you're gonna have to describe them for us so this one was about a local fuckwit you know as a headline suggests he bought himself a pair of woven leather boat shoes or kind of loafers I don't know what they're called but you know all I do know is that they are fuckwit shoes because you know as you know Clancy when we went down to the gelded seahorse down there in the old city district last Friday when we were trying to play pool down there these these young fellas from the university across the road were there in their fucking board shorts and their linen shirt and they were hogging that pool table all afternoon and they're all wearing those fucking woven Jesus things on their feet so fucking moving along now sports news and Dougie Bollinger auctions off his iconic baggy blonde for bushfire appeal an absolutely selfless an incredible sacrifice you know this comes after Shane Warren decided to auction off his baggy green he raised a million dollars so Dougie thought you know he better put his hand up and auction off one of the most iconic pieces of Australian cricketing fashion to have come past in the past geez five or ten decades yes it really is a collectible when it comes to memorabilia it's one time made hairpiece wrote Bollinger on social media in used condition originally came in plug form tastefully repurposed into a gentleman's toupee for ease of use always serviced conditioned and shampooed comes as is no warranty included all monies donated to charity good on you Doug the rug or Doug the plug as he was formerly known he's always been a man of the people Doug now good on you Dougie good on you Tom I good on you warning for all of the sacrifices that you've all made with your collectibles putting them up for auction for RFS and please listeners if you have anything left over at the end of last weekend please put it forward to RFS CFA wires or Victorian animal rescue because there's still a lot of work to be done on the ground that's it for this week I'm Clancy overall editor of the patooter advocate to be kind to each other goodbye |
SaturdayNightLive | jason_momoa_s_2023_snl_video_diary | It's Snl week. get your ass in here. Never in a million years did I think I was going to ride to Snl on the chopper. I'm leaving on the back. Number two. Yeah. All right, we're heading into the pitch meeting right now. it's like this beautiful tradition where everyone comes in the Lord's office, and then they pitch to you. Some are for real. some are just silly. it's a perfectly good place to park, right? First day on Snl, getting ready, baby. good to see you. Hi. good to see you. Live from New York. Oh, may not be the best actor. you're just f***ing mad at Snl. Let's do this. never thought I'd be in a cell, man. yeah. let's roll sound, roll camera up. and action. I'm back, baby. Daddy's home. Papa's back, baby. my name is Chase Nettros from Southern State. Thank you. I'm Chase Momoa, and this is going to be the best night of our lives. And I'm doing promos with Chloe. This is my first time out here. three, two, one.
Jason Momoa. What is that? Jason Momoa.
Ok, brawn and brains. I like it. Oh, f***. Love it. We got into the photo shoot. we set a rush to a bunch of stuff. that's it, guys. that's it, yeah. yeah, let's do it. Yeah, baby. yeah. well, I was saying, turkey. I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. and you were like, oh. that was a good day. did we get a stand on that?
No, you? absolutely not. no? give me this guest, Jason Momoa. give me some, baby. Oh, sweetheart. he is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend. Please welcome Jason Momoa. you're hosting Saturday Night Live for the second time. I'm a two-timer, baby. a two-timer. you pulled up on a motorcycle and parked outside 30 Rock. that's kind of the way to do it. Jason, Momoa, everybody. Jason hosts Snl. this week's work. Come on. we've got sketches for her. Whatup, Jasonmomoa.com. we live on the Snl set.
Aquaman himself, King of the Seas, is King of New York.
Booyah. And then I came back to do rehearsals, and I got my ass kicked. it is Thursday. What's happening right now? Hold on. hey, all night. hey, all night. it's 10. 22.
Bye. you are, and I'll see you in the morning, baby. All right, I'll see you in the morning, baby. this is where it all starts. no sleep. Here we go. it was a pretty late night, so we got to bed. I think it was around 2 o'clock in the morning, and then, yeah, we got up at 6, and then went to the studio at 7, And today, here we are. bring me another tea.
Oh, my God. All right.
I mean, I grew up far away and say, I'm not right now. I'm just obsessed with the show. but to get invited back, it's a huge deal. Yeah, the first time, obviously, is like, I mean, that's the biggest dream come true in my life. I'm also not as scared as I probably was the first time. very excited for everyone to see it.
All right, show day, baby. it's on. Here we go. it's on. |
cracked | the_game_of_thrones_twist_we_all_wanted_and_were_still_mad_about_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, this is our this is cracks weekly recap of Game of Thrones called winter is taking forever Cuz it's six seasons and where's all that snowfall? It's just now getting here and goddamn it It's been a long time. Okay, so it's first time you got brand mind fucking that tree. That's right.
Which brings him back in time a hundred percent Yeah, I thought a there's a reason why we haven't seen brand scenes at all because he grew up like maybe ten years in that time Yeah, like that kid is so much older than he was when he started six feet tall And he's got the never gonna give you And then there's young Roderick who you know because of his mutton chops, but nobody points him out Perhaps the most crucial piece of information we got out of that Winterfall flashback though Is that Hodor had a different name? Yeah, and he could talk Our dollar said segment Club Ed we're checking in with dollar said every week Yes This week dollar said is really growing into his new role as the ride-or-die motherfucker in Jon Snow's clubhouse The only traitors here are the ones who shook their knives into their Lord commander's hearts It all falls on dollar said who used to just be like this ironically detached comic relief character But now he's like get done right and he's pretty good at it. What yeah, he hasn't cracked a single joke this season He's all like no, it's time I'm gonna go tell on you and he runs off to go tell on Alice or thorn and comes back with a giant that one dip just like Yeah, and then it's like oh, no, I immediately know I don't That's bad against the wall. The night's watch really lost their will to fight. I would say sure did All right So Tyrion takes his sidekick Barris down into the crypt beneath the pyramids to let the dragons go right to like Refriend them and it works. I was a little nervous for him But it works out and then once he like releases the dragons, they're just like thanks, dude They just crawled back and back into the cave like what why did you where do they go like what's back there? Is there an exit back there that we don't know about so Sansa and Brienne and Podrick sitting out in the woods Decided this is probably the right amount of time for the on to go on some other journey We've been fleeing for long enough that we can stop and have Podrick struggle to build a fire. Holy shit I was getting so frustrated for him I was like man you just take the flint and like maybe a little more kindling I like really had passionate feelings about Podrick Have you not ever been able to cook meat on this whole journey? It's the whole trip just has been cold Coney for you this whole time It feels like if Sansa had even bothered to look over at how bad that fire is going She would never have let emo Theon decide to go on a journey. There's no way The only thing I want to say about the Greyjoy scene is a I thought we had escaped this whole mire from the books if it's Super stormy out there even if you're the king of the Iron Islands Maybe don't use the rickety drawbridge to get to your bedroom. So this week on unnecessary scenes Perhaps the most important was guy in the bar who's bragging about how Cersei liked his dick I remember the guy who wagged his dick at Cersei. She wasn't into it Is the mountain either able to hear all things at once or is he in that bar hearing that story? He's like I'm gonna pay that son of a bitch back didn't need that guy I already believe the mountain can slaughter a person because look at the size of that guy and we've seen him do it this guy Like Joffrey was a little bastard and then Tommen and Myrcella were supposed to be like the sweet ones now Myrcella is dead and Tommen's like I don't Somebody boss me around I really don't know what to do And Cersei only really cared about him once she gave him like he gave her that power right like wouldn't even make eye contact She has the line.
It's good to see you not looking not looking at him, right? And then once he's like somebody tell me what to do. She's like, oh good. You are my son I can do that.
Can I also say what the fuck are the sparrows doing right now, right? Can we talk about the logic of the sparrows? I have a real problem with this organization. Yeah, here's what it is They show up to this funeral, you know, like Jonathan Price's character whose name escapes me shows a high sparrow you actually So the high sparrow shows up basically to Deliver a threat and shows up with all of his goons after threatening Jamie and he's like, you're not gonna spill blood Will you and Jamie's like I don't care about that.
Yeah, he's like good me too. And here come like 35 guys He's apparently gonna rule the world with just a bunch of dudes with with sharp sticks Yeah I mean, I guess so probably my favorite beat this week was the death of Roose Bolton just because finally a bad guy dies Which is always really satisfying a game. It's also another chapter of should have killed this guy, right?
Why if you're roost Bolton why in the world as soon as you hear that your son is born you're like cool Time to do that red wedding thing again and slaughter my bastard son cuz he's obviously somebody get Ramsey the fuck out of here Like like why would you hug Ramsey? Why would anyone hug that mutant? I don't understand why anyone ever has he's been hugged zero times in his life That's probably why he is the way he is Befuddled old maester like you just had a sudden and there's like oh Okay So Jon Snow comes back to life which confirmed the theory that everybody's been arguing the thing you hoped for happened and the immediate reaction Was like this like she kind of sarcasm you like the thing everybody wanted to happen happened like Be glad like why can't we just be happy that this character we all liked his back now The wolf looks up like it's time now like the pranks over Okay Okay, and now it's time for us to do predictions for what happens in the rest of Game of Thrones this season and in the coming seasons Yes game of predictions The first thing that's definitely gonna happen is Davos and Melisandre having worked out their differences are gonna bridges of Madison County the rest of The show like they will definitely be a couple Maybe she'll cut off some of her fingers and like they'll have what a weird like bony hand-holding scene Well, Tyrion's definitely riding one of the dragons for sure.
No question. Don't know who Aria is gonna murder It's got to be somebody right Aria has to kill somebody that matters and I swear to God if it's not a fray I don't know why I'm gonna show you Old fray, right? So one more thing hound is gonna come back to life. He's gonna kill the mountain. He's gonna kill. Oh, I like that Yeah, okay That's the other thing is Melisandre and Davos as part of their bony-handed romance are gonna go around just bringing back all your favorite characters Hound does come back as a zombie zombie hound and zombie mountain become friends Aria and the zombie twins makes a pretty good alternate history I'm in favor of that plan Hey guys, thanks so much for watching our Game of Thrones recap show if you have any ideas for other sections We should do in the show.
Please feel free to share them in the comments. We're still So kind of figuring this out. Yeah, so kind of figuring it out cuz there's so many new lands They all need their own section.
I don't know. Maybe I don't know.
Yeah, also, let us know what your predictions are Do you think Adam's Davos Melisandre slash is uh, yeah They're just going about resurrecting the dead and resurrecting the death in their hearts, right? I like resurrecting their feelings. Yeah |
dropout | stop_saying_i_m_so_broke | Lisa wants to know if we want to get a drink later. Uh, maybe if it's happy hour.
I'm so broke. Ugh, I know. I can't even afford Whole Foods. I have to shop at Trader Joe's. Ugh! The only apartment that I could afford is three buses and two hours away, but this is the only job I could get. I'm so broke.
Look at my phone. Is that a six plus? Yeah, I dropped it when I did Molly at that music festival in the desert that we all flew to.
I'm just too broke to fix it. Dude, that's nothing. My parents kicked me off the family plan. That's like my nightmare. I'm going to start getting bills. We're sorry. The number you have reached is...
I'm on a juice cleanse for spring break. Cancun. But the only thing that's cleansing is my bank account. I know, it's not healthy, but... ...fast food's the only way I can feed my kids.
Why are smoothies so expensive? Well, my broke ass can't even afford Spotify Premium. I have to listen to an ad every 30 years.
Years I worked at that plan. Then it shut down. Now I'm too old to be hired anywhere else.
My friend Ashley was like, do you want to see a movie? And I'm like, yeah, if it's on Netflix or Hulu Plus or HBO Go.
I'm just so broken. The whole leg. And I don't have insurance, so it'll just stay like this.
This weekend, when I went to Palm Springs, I had to rent a room on Airbnb instead of a whole apartment. After Jeff lost his job, we got foreclosed on. Now we're squatters in our own home. There's just too many weddings this year.
I can't afford to divorce my abusive husband. I can't afford a gym membership and SoulCycle.
Can I get a venti double sea salt mocha chai rapalate skinny soychino? Same. I'll take a medium. I'm broke. Okay. That'll be $40. Oh, my God. I think I need to put it on the emergency. I'm asking my dad gave me. Same. Oh, and don't forget this. I need the punches. Oh, your dad. I just want to get a free coffee. Sometimes I leave the maggots on because it's fresh protein. I can't understand. You guys are all talking at the same time.
If you liked that video, click here to subscribe. Click here to see more videos.
Or just leave a comment below about how my producer didn't tell me not to wear green. For a green screen. I'm not mad. |
cracked | if_dating_shows_were_haunted_sketch_comedy_the_bachelor_the_bachelorette_love_is_blind_parody | From the people who brought you Love is Blind and 90 Second Fiance comes an all-new dating show with one haunting twist. The bar to finding a good guy isn't on the floor, it's six feet under. And if you think you already know the twist for this show, you're dead wrong. I'm Emma, I've been dead since 1846, and I'm looking for love, or a host body. This Halloween, meet Emma, the Victorian-era ghost our producers found haunting an old mansion that they were scouting for the batch thing.
Yeah, so basically I've been living here a really long time, and then the TV people happened to find me, and they said I got the IT factor. I really know what that is, but I think it's this thing I do in mirrors. Look, look, look. Ah! Isn't that crazy?
A gaggle of hot, single men who still have a pulse will be vying for the heart of this sexy, sensuous spirit. This chick may be dead, but the love between us is alive and well. Do you think you got shot? My little ghost babe's gonna be walking through my bedroom wall night one. My plan is to use actual historical accuracy to play to Emma's wants and needs. What a loser. And the last thing these guys want is to get ghosted.
So how'd you die? It's actually like a really fucked up question and ask tank. I'm just joking! I was working in a hat factory, my leg got caught in one of the machines, just bloop, bled out.
Come on, I own it. It's so cool. You have to own it.
This fall, haunting ABC. Wait, wait.
How do we fuck? Do I just stick my fuck in her fuck or will it like go straight through her? We really can't tell you that.
I'm just excited too. Ooh, I like your moustache fancy boy. Why don't you meet me in the fuck shed? I mean, the dream room, whatever. The place where they let you have sex. Did I just get possessed? This is the greatest day of my life. Don't miss the surprises.
Bro, we're exes here. What the heck? It's Chudley, bitch. Oh my god, Chudley, can you go back to haunting the basement, please? That's where I killed him. Blood in him with a frying pan for getting off with me sister.
I ain't going nowhere until I get me lady back. Don't miss the drama. How did you not realize you have to commit to living here? My spirit's trapped here for all of eternity. Turn the filming apparatus off. I'm serious. No, I'm bloody done. Do it or I'll do weird stuff to your body. Don't miss the love. Emma, I would give up my earthly body and die today if I could be with you forever. Dang, William, do less. Don't miss.
What's that? That's a TV. What's that? That's a phone. What's that? I know you guys had forks back then. What's that? That's my dick.
Jakey Bostard. Don't miss the love story of the century. Don't miss Ghost into Hell. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_perfect_stubble | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm Jon Gamers, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man, because it's about time you grew up. Today, we're going to talk about how to give yourself the perfect five o'clock shout out. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Hey Lex. Hey. Want to play my favorite game? Yeah. Okay, on the count of three, we both say what a woman looks for most of a man. Okay. One, two, three.
Sensitivity.
Lexi and I are here at Ink for Hair Salon with stylist Mari Damante, and we're talking stubble. Lexi, how do you feel about the Hollywood stubble? I think as long as it's maintained clean, stubble, sexy.
Ooh, sexy. No big deal. We're going to bring out our director, Josh, who's going to take a break from his busy day of looking at the monitor and get a free shave using the Philips Norelco stubble trimmer. Because this goes all the way up to nine, but nine is pretty, pretty long. So I would usually start at like a four or a three, and if you need to go closer, you can bring it down to a two or a one. I'm just going to do the first one. I'm going to make Josh do the rest. Oh, yeah. This is a very specific fetish of mine. Watching hot tattooed girls shave, hot creative types. This already looks countless times better. You look like a class act. Now, I'm going to make Josh do it himself because I'm going to show how easy it is to use at home.
No mirror? No mirror.
Just go for it. Good. It's a very satisfying sound, like when you're vacuuming and you run over something. You know, like an animal or a beard. Or you're like doing a ride on lawnmower and like a squirrel runs by and you hit it. This will give you that I've been trapped on a desert island stubble that works wonders for the ladies. At least in my opinion.
A desert island or a deserted island? An island made of dessert. A ice cream sundae island.
There you go. Ooh. It looks good. Can I feel it? Get it over here. Oh, that feels awesome.
I do the whole body. I'm a swimmer. I look like I have alopecia from America. I have like an alien type body. Take this guard right off.
Some of these just small squirrel hair. Squirrel hair. Squirrels have like those little fake beards, like up here.
Or like some blonde girls get that. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. Right here.
And then sometimes I'll go just a little bit around just to give it a full clean look. You are done and you look fantastic. You look great. It looks really, really good. Oh, it feels good. It feels like soothing in a way, too.
Thank you very much, Josh. We appreciate your help.
I thought I wanted to bang him before. Now. It's on. Oh, I was kidding. Busted. You like Josh. Well, now we know that the film Sorelco Stubble Trimmer gives you a perfect five o'clock shadow. I kind of do the beard lumberjack. Oh. Ooh. You've been watching the crew. |
TheOnion | romney_defends_against_allegations_of_tolerance | Turning to the election, Mitt Romney's campaign took a major hit this week after an interview he gave in 1992 resurfaced, which indicates that the presidential hopeful may be tolerant of homosexuals. A host at Boston's WRKO asked, do you believe gays should have the right to civil unions? To which Romney replied, I would not have a problem with that. Joining us now from our war for the White House Command Center is political analyst Arnold Renfrow. Arnold, how much damage could this do to the Romney campaign? Well, quite a bit, I think.
It's hard to imagine any situation that would lead Romney to express that sort of blatant tolerance. The voters really have a sort of sixth sense for honesty, Andrea, and right now they just don't believe Romney's homophobia. They just don't. The Romney campaign sought to downplay the controversial remarks today with this written statement. Quote, Mitt Romney has no intention of dignifying the allegations that he is tolerant of homosexuals.
This is blatant attack politics at its worst. What do you make of that? All the voters really want is a clear answer from the candidate himself. Does Romney believe that homosexuals are creatures of sin, doomed to spend an eternity drowning in a lake of fire or not? Exactly. You really have to look at the facts themselves.
Mitt Romney was governor of Massachusetts. Massachusetts allows gay marriage. Mitt Romney does not resign as governor of Massachusetts. So Mitt Romney has a fundamental credibility problem when it comes to gays?
Yes, he really does. It's going to be very difficult, but he needs to come out and explain from his own experience why he finds gays to be subhuman degenerates. The fact of the matter is he has never once come out and said that he's perpetrated a hate crime against a homosexual. No, he hasn't.
Now is there anything Romney can do to mend fences with all of these constituents that he's offended? Well, he can disown a gay relative. Maybe promote a bill that bans gay adoption. He can call an opponent a faggot. He can call anybody a faggot. That actually may be the only thing that's left to him. Now isn't there a chance he could win back some of the support by making disparaging remarks about women or Mexicans? Well, sure. A quick ethnic slur might actually shore up some of that bigot support. But he's relied so heavily on the bigot vote that I think at this point it's just too late for that.
Well, we're going to be keeping an eye on the situation. I know you are too. I will. Thank you for being with us. It's always a pleasure, Andrea. You bet. Now when we return, why you might be uglier than you think. |
dropout | apartment_hunting_in_nyc_is_the_worst | Hi, sorry. I'm three hours late. Hey, no problem.
This place is amazing. No, you couldn't afford this I just had you meet me here. Follow me to the places. We're actually seeing This is a three floor walk up and then a five floor climb up you brought your harness, right? Oh Would you look at that beautiful exposed brick Shoot which one is it? You know what? It's okay. This place is real easy to break into you're gonna love it I'm sorry. The ad said there was a bay window. Oh, yeah Can't you just picture sitting here on a Sunday morning reading the paper? The commute is a breeze ferry to ferry to submarine to segue toward to the H train which does not exist So you mentioned the building has a gym.
Yes. He's right there. I'm Jim.
Oh Hi, you need a membership to talk to him I mean just Imagine what it's gonna look like once it's renovated and then just keep doing that for the entire time that you live there Utilities are not included. So you will be responsible for gas electric hot water cold water air and ceiling service What's ceiling service? It's like where you continue to have a ceiling.
Oh, good news is the apartment does come with Wi-Fi and very scary guests There is a shared outdoor space Fantastic, it's actually the sidewalk. So you'll be sharing it with pedestrians dogs cyclists really anyone. It's it's the sidewalk Of course, this is a bathroom railroad. So to get to the second bedroom You do have to flush yourself down the toilet. Follow me.
No, there's no brokers fee, right? Correct There is however a broker's tax brokers tithe and a broker's tribute which combined is about six months rent plus Give me whatever you have in your pockets Are you mocking me as advertised? This is a half bath And a quarter sink This apartment has a doorman great.
Oh, excuse me. That's wrong. It has a man door Jim no, I'm sorry not in this building. No now This is an all kitchen apartment pets are mandatory and the emergency sprinklers are always on. You know what? I'll take it I can't do this anymore. Great I'll just need a credit report proof of employment a birth certificate one of those Scientology stress tests a dick pic titty pic I'm just one perfectly right tonight When do you need it? Oh, I'm so sorry.
They just rented it. We just can't wait to decorate If you like that video click me to subscribe Watch where you're clicking. I'm a lady Click there off limits |
dropout | no_one_has_seen_elmo_since_the_parade_happy_thanksgiving_from_ch | Hey, Ross Matthews here for the Macy's Confetti Carpet at the 89th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in Manhattan. They let me be here. This is my first time. They said, Ross, you can go behind the scenes. Get away with anything.
These are the floats over here. The big balloons are over here. Look at this guy.
This is the place you want to be. Be here or be. What are you supposed to say? Square. Be here, be square.
Anyway, let's see what I can get away with. High five. High five, high five, high five, high five, high five. It's probably a bad idea to go up here, don't you think?
Happy Thanksgiving! This is my first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
What do I need to know?
Bundle up. Yes. Bundle up.
What else? I think I can do that. I feel like the Princess Diana one, right? I feel like that's not the boom. You want to do a bigger, a bigger, like, yes. Get a little bit of almost like a nae nae wave.
What's the difference between a Luke Skywalker and a CP394? I don't know. Well, Luke Skywalker is a real character and the other one, I have no clue what that is.
Alright, yeah, I just put him here to butter you up a little bit. Certainly, sir.
So listen, there are so many Christmas songs, right? We could go on all day mentioning them. Name one Thanksgiving song. A Thanksgiving song?
Oh, wow. Exactly. There are no Thanksgiving songs. That's not okay. We should make a collaboration.
It's all about turkey and mashed potatoes. We like turkey and gravy. Turkey, Thanksgiving, some friends and stuff, and Ross. Happy days, giving everybody. I'm gonna eat a turkey and macaroni. Crazy turkey.
Hey, everybody, Chris Dodger here. Happy holidays! Hey there, this is Jennifer Nettles. Happy holidays. Hey, what's up, y'all? I'm Jake Owen, and I want to wish you a very, very happy holidays. Hi, guys. This is Rachel Platten. Happy holidays. Hi, y'all. It's Mipso. Happy holidays. Hi, everyone. Wishing you happy holidays and happy Thanksgiving, sending me all my love. Hi, I'm Shawn Mendes. Happy holidays. Hi, happy holidays, everybody.
Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy Christmas. This is Wes Love of The Roots. Tonight's show is Jimmy Fallon, and happy holidays to you and yours. Be safe. Elmer's favorite thing about Thanksgiving is being thankful for his friends and you. Oh, I'm thankful for you.
Can I... Oh, hi. Oh, she's got a door open. That's a door open. |
TheOnion | Inside_The_Onion_News_Network | coming to IFC January 21st for the first time on television the news organization that destroys all other news organizations for the best news the most reliable news on television this is where people come the Onion News Network safety's off you're entering the fact zone the Onion News Network's Brooke Alvarez and Tucker Holt sat down to answer some of your burning questions people who are looking to get into journalism I say don't even bother trying I'll just crush you save yourself some heartache I think my biggest piece of advice that I would give to anyone who is interested in having a professional career as I do in broadcast journalism is to keep a very big smile on your face or people will be able to see how incredibly sad you're inside I don't know I don't know why news is stressful I deal with that by going home sometimes and going for a nice power walk with some glute-shaping shoes and sometimes screaming especially if Tucker's been upset a lot he's young we're working with him he's our seventh Tucker Hope I think not bad we had a fantastic Asian Tucker Hope I wish we could have kept him actually I won a touchscreen correspondent award that's big for people that do what I do that is huge there are only three of us but I got second place he is award-winning again he likes to mention that do you want a list of my awards I can have somebody pull it it may take a while there are many several sure we have different shows hosted by some different people they do a good job but there is a clear hierarchy here at the Onion News Network and everyone just respects it I'm at the top the Onion News Network news without mercy finally hits television January 21st for a machine to function properly all of the parts have to work together and here at O&N we are a machine only on IFC the only network with the guts to air it |
dropout | dick_figures_the_movie_exclusive_clip | Let me show you how this shit's done, son. The fuck? Who took the lights? I mean, we haven't paid the electricity bill in seven months. We pay for electricity? You don't. I do. Wait!
All of our food's gonna go bad! All of our food is bad! You can't let precious food out of waste! Dude, you know that's all expired.
I don't care! Oh, God, not the milk. I'll keep you safe in my belly, cow juice. I think I'm gonna vomit. Hey, listen, I got a big problem. I totally just lied to Pink. For birthdays next weekend, I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything. Give her this mayonnaise jar. No, come on.
You know what girl's like, right? What should I get her? Hey, you should go see the rec... See who? The rec...
What are you trying to say? I can only say so many words before... Hey, guys, it's Ed Scudder from Dig Figures. Thanks for checking out this exclusive clip by College Humor. For more information on the movie, head over to monomedia.com backslash DFTM. Scudder out! |
cracked | 7_horrifying_lessons_hidden_in_famous_movies_about_childhood_after_hours | Twenty-two. It's tough because I know I'm supposed to subtract four and a half years from what I actually think it is but I also really want to be right, so... Twenty-eight. Thirty-seven. Like a hot thirty-seven. I don't know. Normal human aging is confusing. I am twenty-five years old!
You are terrible friends! But we got you presents! Oh yeah, right. The pen with no cap, three dollars, and a hard candy from the Free Hard Candy Jar on the counter. Thank you, wise man, for bestowing upon me this wonderful bullsh-t. Is she comparing herself to Jesus? I don't know why you're mad.
People should only celebrate their birthday until they're twelve. Tops. After that, you're old enough to realize that for everyone else, it's just another awful day that we have to slog through. Happy birthday, by the way. Did I not say that yet? It's weird that there are more coming-of-age stories about dealing with the fact that your birthday stops being a celebration of every year that you're alive and starts to just be an inconvenience for everybody around you. Hey! Okay, I think we can all agree that it is the responsibility of coming-of-age movies to remind kids that while growing up is, yes, no piece of cake, at the end, it is necessary and a good thing.
Is this a segue to cake? Are you guys surprising me with cake?
Except, in Never Ending Story, the creators got so wrapped up in the fantasy world they were building in their universe that they forgot to remind kids that there's a bright side to this inevitable march towards death we're all on. I don't know if it counts as a coming-of-age story. It's more of a long-winded ad for reading. Uh, who's the primary antagonist in Never Ending Story?
That's right. The Nothing. The entire intangible concept of death. It is slowly wiping out every living thing and Fantasia, and we are powerless to stop it. Every day that you are alive is another day that the Nothing is closer to consuming you.
Happy birthday, Katie.
I also forgot to say it, I think. I will just sit here and let it take me away, too. And if you actually take a second to process how awful that all is, you get swallowed up by a literal swamp of sadness. Right!
It's clearly meant to be helping kids face the fear of growing up and death, but it offers no solution. When Bastion goes to visit Moonchild, she gives him the real lesson of the movie. Keep the fantasy alive. Stay a kid forever. Embrace Fantasia. Because you are not cut out for the real world, bookworm. But the kid gets a happy ending in the real world. I mean, Bastion and Falcor, they get some sweet, fully vengeance.
Is it real life? You see a bunch of luck dragons flying around, weedy kids getting revenge in your everyday life? No! That's Bastion giving up on real life and embracing the delusion in which he is the only person powerful enough to stop death. That's not a solution. That's basically telling kids, hey, f*** the real world. Go and live in this strange MMO Neverland. Right?
And that is why I choose Peter Pan. Because it's a similar message, but way worse. So the never-ending story, the nothing, yeah, it could be death. But the evil wolf says that it's like a lack of childhood whimsy or an adult cynicism that's destroying Fantasia. People have because. But in Peter Pan, you know what the threat is. The progression of time.
No, Soren. The real threat is a pirate that wants to murder children. No!
Even Captain Hook is susceptible to time. It's one of the only Disney movies where they give the villain a humanizing fear. And the name of that fear is Tick Tock the Croc. Time manifested in the gaping, unfathomable jaws of a killer crocodile. And even sounds like a clock. He's just waiting for you to slip up.
But the real protagonist in that movie, Wendy, learns the right lesson. She goes back to the real world where people grow up because she knows it's the right thing to do. Sort of. But in Hook, we see that Wendy convinced Peter Pan to go back with her.
And what happens? Thirty plus years of him forgetting everything and becoming this dick who doesn't have time to play with his own kids. AKA, every kid's fear of what adulthood is like. And that happens to Peter Pan. Not even he is safe from the ravages of time.
And he was the coolest kid of them all. Point of order! He wears tights.
The point of the two movies is we were wrong. Growing up sucks. Don't do it. Stay a kid forever. Even if it's in your own mind. Which, by the way, is pretty much the thesis of every Robin Williams movie ever made. Patch Adams, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire. Every single one of those movies, he deliberately solves his problems by not growing up.
He shirks adult responsibility and it works. So he's right!
What do you do for a living? Someone pays you to write essays about how Rocco's modern life was secretly a postmodern one.
Permanent childhood. And that's why the real right answer can't be any movie with that nurture your inner child forever bullshit. Ah, that's not enough. It has to be a movie where a child hates the idea of growing up so much that he straight up physically murders every adult version of himself. Yes, that movie exists.
It's called Gremlins. Whoa, Gremlins isn't a coming of age story. Or maybe not for the humans. What about the Mogwai? Okay, at its core, the Gremlins franchise is about a species that starts off cute, curious, and adorable and then matures into slippery, sin-loving, awesome monsters. That is the natural life cycle of the Gremlin. If you're a little kid watching that movie, that metamorphosis looks an awful lot like all your fears about puberty. Can't be the natural life cycle of the Gremlin. It was a mistake that they turned into Gremlins in the first place.
Why? Because they fed them after midnight?
Okay, so you become a Gremlin when you finally start dictating your own bedtime and when you get to eat dinner. I mean, seriously, if humans had to live by Mogwai rules, you think we'd patiently sit around this table, chatting an empty table, and pregnant. Exactly. It's too easy. Every Mogwai would eventually pew best into a monster that loves drinking, smoking, and porno. Can you think of a better metaphor for growing up than turning into a Gremlin? Oh, okay.
A newborn baby horse is all gooey and sweaty standing up for the first time. That don't remain as the girl's first.
A hawk taking flight at dawn.
Rhetorical. And, incidentally, Gizmo should fear turning into a Gremlin. It seems awful. But does he give up and ship off to some Mogwai Neverland? No.
He systematically exterminates all the adult Gremlins in a Gremlin holocaust. Gremlins run. And in Gremlins 2, he does it using remote control cars and by playing dress-up. This is a stubborn child who hates adulthood so much that he kills it with toys. You strip out Phoebe Cates and her boyfriend and all the humans.
Gizmo's lesson is basically that it's better to be dead than to get any older than you are right now. Maybe he was right.
Happy birthday, Katie. Soren, I got you cake, by the way. Oh, they were telling me they don't do free cake here. Katie. Didn't you assume she'd cover the cake? It's her birthday.
We know what we're doing. You're here to watch it. Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Zionist_Literature_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | This week on Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal, four worthless items.
Good evening.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about these books here.
Well we were working on this mechanical dredger up Appleton way and we open up the clamshell and in with all the silt and bed soil we found all these books and papers and what have you sovereignty above all the enemy looms Israel and the new millennium the myth of Palestine you you've uncovered some Zionist literature here like that for like what obviously these books have suffered some damage from being at the bottom of a lake for several years yeah I would say you could probably sell these books for 10 to 25 cents to someone who's studying the effects of lake water on different types of paper yeah yeah that wasn't what I was hoping to hear look if you have a problem with my appraisal you are welcome to go on judge dredge like everyone else in this town you know maybe I'll just go to somebody who's not so anti-israel excuse me I'm not anti-israel you've been running Israel down this whole appraisal I have nothing but respect for the Jewish people the other day a friend and I were saying that the anti-israel sentiment is the last socially acceptable form of racism in this country and San Antonio had a good point he said Antonio of course this is absurd then pledge your loyalty to the state of Israel I am sorry but I refuse to do anything to compromise my appraisals I didn't hear about this at the next dredgers Israel Public Affairs Committee you bet hi there it's me Kim before we move on to our next appraisal I just wanted to say that I love Jewish people I truly do and anyone who implies differently is is peddling falsehoods I mean I mean one time a dredger cage full of live chicken don't know how they got down there or how they stay alive here's the queer thing so we're pulling them on board I turn around and the devil standing there turns out it was just a dream what is the biggest rock I'm not telling you anything every goddamn asshole don't already |
dropout | business_kids_hardly_working | I'm a little concerned you're asking us to abandon the marketing strategy that's been material to our financial stability. I'm going to use the little boys for it because you guys want to come. Keep your guns. Just a tickle. Especially with our...
I am nervous about this presentation tomorrow. What are you checking? If I don't deliver on this thing, do you have any idea how many millions of dollars this company will lose?
This many. I hear that.
What are you guys doing for lunch? I don't know, probably heat up last night's pescetios. Trade? I got a peanut butter sandwich. White bread? Wheat.
Ew. Hey, I was looking at my Aetna coverage. You're deductible for the bad man. Usually about 20 bucks. I got a root canal last week. Ooh, that sounds terrible. Wasn't too bad. Got a toy.
Hey, Chris. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Killed you. Killed you first. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Man, I'm bushed. Hungover from the office party. Nah, man, just couldn't sleep. My Nana had to rub my back because it was thunder and lightning. Tell me about it. Between that and the boogeyman, I spent the whole night crouched in the corner with my cap gun.
Hey, check out the new HR girl. I would love a piece of that. Nah, man, she eats ants. Streeter said so. Not. Spread it. Rumors at this company. Can't. Sorry. Hey, big dog. Any juicy rumors from corporate? Well, keep it under wraps, but the word from up top is that Shannon's getting that promotion.
Is not. Is too. Is not. Is too.
Well, she deserves it. More than Fabian, anyway.
Yeah, ever since his wife left him, he's been hitting the bah bah pretty hard. He's close to retirement. His 401k will take care of him until infinity. Infinity plus one, probably. That reminds me. I need to roll over my Schwab plan into my money market Roth IRA floor is lava.
How are things at home, Pat? Not too good. My bitch wife took my action figures and hit them on top of the refrigerator. How about yourself? Well, I'm getting ready to put my parents in a home, right?
My daddy pulls me aside. He says that he and our neighbor, Ms. Walsh, are more than friends. Mommy caught them yucky wrestling, and now Daddy's moving far, far away where he can't drink angry juice and make Mommy sad. On top of that, my daughter needs braces. Man, I love kids, but they will suck you dry.
Finally got some time off this weekend. Took the metro north up to my sister's in Connecticut. Read her diary. Is that the whole weekend at your sister's? I could not go that long without my binky. Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Linds and I got a new place. It's split level with a finished basement up in Montclair. Oh, that's a nice area. Yeah, great schools, lower property taxes, and I don't even think we'll have to refinance. |
dropout | deleted_twilight_sex_scene | Wait, I hate you for making me want you so badly. What's wrong, Edward? I'm a vampire, Bella. If I give into our passion, I'm afraid I'll lose control.
I see. Now turn around.
Why? So we can have butt sex. What?
But you just said that you can't- I know what I said.
But butt sex is different. If we have butt sex, I can control my primal thirst.
I'm sorry, I just don't get how that's different. How could you possibly understand the mysteries of the vampire?
Alright, this is gonna be awesome. Edward, I'm not sure. You're right. What a fool I was to believe you could ever love a monster like me. That's not what I meant. Stay. I'll try. Alright, you cool doggy style? Yeah, I guess.
You're making the right choice. This way you'll be safe. Our souls can finally intertwine in a dance of ecstasy. I'm not gonna wear a condom.
Wait, what? Oh, why not? I have one. No!
We must explore each other's flesh naturally, like primal animals. But you said you had to control your primal thirst. That was, um, I... There are enigmas too complicated for most mortals to...
Look, I'm doing this because I love you. Edward. Is that a camera? Shit. I'm gonna go. I can't let you leave. Why? Because my friend Heather's coming over and she's into some really kinky shit. You're disgusting. You're right. I'm a tortured beast.
Oh, shut up. How about you sit below, job? Hand job? Keep it rolling, Pat. Looks like we're putting on a one man show. Shut up, directions.
Have you got any? Is that a camera?
Shit. I'm gonna go. I can't let you leave.
Why?
Naturally, like primal animals. But you said you had to control your primal thirst.
That was, um, I... I wanted to control your sense of the world. I... I'm trying to control your sense of the world. I'm trying to control your sense of the world. oh shut up how about you to blow job and job keep it rolling Pat looks like we're putting on a one-man show shut up directions if you got any oh some really kinky shit you're disgusting you're right I'm a tortured beast oh shut up how about you to blow job and job keep it rolling Pat looks like we're putting on a one-man show shout out directions if you got any oh |
SaturdayNightLive | kcf_shredders_saturday_night_live | Try them all, dude! Shredder! Kcs Shredder! Get the shred in your head! Whoo! |
TheOnion | Romney_Wears_Anti_Bacterial_Yellow_Gloves_While_Greeting_Rust_Belt_Americans | Mitt Romney wears antibacterial yellow gloves while greeting Rust Belt Americans, a pilot loses contact with 97.5 The River, and Donald Trump stares forlornly at his tiny aged penis in the mirror before putting on his clothes and beginning his day. And now an especially pandering web video designed to prepare you for the impending apocalypse. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Americans across the nation announced Thursday they were looking forward to three months of carefree vegging out before the looming responsibilities of the upcoming fall television season. The U.S. populace confirmed that with the conclusion of such shows as Mad Men and Game of Thrones, they planned to lounge around on couches throughout the summer and zone out before being forced to once again sacrifice quality time with friends and family to keep up with the multiple new sitcoms, dramas, and reality shows this August. It'll be nice to sleep in on Sundays and sit on the couch and just do nothing without the pressure of having to watch a television show. I can't wait to spend a little quality time with my Netflix queue.
Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain returned to the spotlight Tuesday when he announced his official endorsement for the presidency to Who Gives a Fuck? Cain said that after months of soul searching and serious consideration, he has decided to support No One Gives a Shit About You or Your Political Beliefs Herman Cain, so shut the fuck up and go away now. Cain's announcement was followed by a statement from Sarah Palin, You've gotta be kidding me.
No way, not even if she's announcing she invented a fucking time machine. I'm sorry, I just can't. And in this week's onion tips section, five easy ways to adapt your deplorable and parasitic existence for the upcoming Armageddon. Tip one, focus on preparing your home for any number of disaster situations, which still probably won't take your mind off of your impending death or the myriad mistakes you made in your short, pitiful life. Tip two, make sure your linens are clean prior to the upcoming catastrophe, as these are likely the very same sheets on which you will soon be slowly asphyxiated. Tip three, take some time off work and spend your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive machine that was just about the only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days. Tip four, spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing full well you'd rather be doing a number of other gratifying yet completely depraved things, right sicko? And finally, catch up on any movies you might want to see before you die, including the upcoming film Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, starring Steve Carell and Keira Knightley in theaters this Friday. It's supposed to be really great, really, really great! In other news, a smitten foot fetishist thinks these may be the two, a woman and her gay best friend go on another one of their little adventures, and a dead daughter would have wanted a $220 million liability settlement. Surely these closing words provide you some minor comfort as the merciless flames of Armageddon slowly envelop your world, but if not, be sure to visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat for more. |
cracked | the_6_most_underwhelming_moments_from_the_iphone_3g_debut | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting off Steve Jobs' unveiling of the iPhone 3G. So, as we arrive at iPhone's first birthday... It's kind of reassuring to know that no one, not even one of the richest and most powerful men in the world, can resist the urge to use a cheesy graphic during a PowerPoint presentation. Oh, that reminds me. Today's the seventh episode of Hate by Numbers.
And today we're introducing the iPhone 3G. We've learned so much with the first iPhone. We've taken everything we've learned and more, and we've created the iPhone 3G. Of course, that was back in 2007. Then Steve took the 3G, locked it in a vault, and released the first iPhone with all that nice built-in obsolescence.
This is what it looks like. What? What's so funny? What does it look like? That's it? Sideways? Sideways is funny?
It's even thinner at the edges. How thin is it? It's so thin that Steve can even fit it into his super tight, sexy jeans.
What? Not funny? You lied to me, worldwide developer's conference.
It's really beautiful. It's really nice.
That's easy to say, Steve. But if you want cheers from this crowd, your show is something we've never seen before. Solid metal buttons.
Lame. The same gorgeous 3.5-inch display. Boring. Camera. Who cares?
Flush headphone jacks. You can use any headphones you like. Steve, you know me too well.
We're doing this with great battery life. Five hours of 3G talk time. Browsing. Five to six hours. Video. Seven hours. And audio. We've managed to get 24 hours. Okay, but how long does the battery last when an airline pilot checks Weather.com for flight delays?
Oh, no one's done that? Ever?
And I'm really happy to tell you that the iPhone 3G is going to sell for one minute. At just $199, we think the iPhone 3G is going to be affordable to almost everyone. Look at Apple, making technology affordable and bringing all the diverse people of the world together as one. 16-gig model, just $299. And for the 16-gig model, we also have something special.
We have a white one. Oh, but for an extra hundred, you can get a white one? What does 200 get you? A certificate from Steve Jobs personally attesting to your iPhone's racial purity? Come on, Steve. Don't you know that black is beautiful? We have a white one. It's also very beautiful.
That's hate by numbers. That's all. For now. |
cracked | barbarian_review_ft_zach_cregger_writer_director_of_barbarian | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jessica Nalley.
Say hello. Hello. Hi.
Jessica's a big ol' swig of coffee during that, so I'm going to take a big ol' swig of coffee. Yeah, yeah. I'll handle the podcast while you take a sip. I'll take a dainty sip of bubbly. Wow. An early morning bubbly. That's unconventional, I feel. So there's a process to what I do now, which is when I wake up, I usually have the girls early in the morning so my wife can sleep because she got up with them at night. I'll drink a coffee then that's got sweetener stuff in it. Then I'll get a coffee for work that is not sweet. Wow. Because the taste in my mouth is bad, I will drink a bubbly.
It's a whole thing. I don't want to brag, but it's probably the best system. I think that's great.
I think you sound really hydrated to me. I pee all day long. Join the club, mister. Jordan's office smells like urine, I can attest.
I stayed there over the weekend. Wow, you stayed in the famed office? I actually did stay in the office.
Whoa. Did you do the thing where you try and hide behind the mic when you go back like this and you hide behind the mic, like Jordan does, and you're just like, it's just like I'm Jordan. Did you do that? I did that all night.
Didn't sleep. I didn't sleep.
Um, speaking of, we made a show this weekend. I saw some pics. It looked awesome. Yeah, it's very cool. How was Dr. Hose Pizza?
I'm going to ask the important question for you. Oh, yeah, oh my god. I'm devastated to report it's actually really good. Whoa. I really enjoyed it. I mean, I love that. Well, here's the thing.
Jordan is trying to assure me that it's just regular old pizza, not like Chicago style, where it's like a different food. So I jokingly, I was like, oh, yeah, watch. Dr. Hose is just going to be a salad. And sure enough, the the premiere pizza that Jordan ordered us had like six inches of leafy greens on top yet. But it was a great pizza experience. I made I made Jesse eat the normal pepperoni, which I stand by and it's still a little different. But then I also because Jesse is always wandering around looking for salads and running in the dark at my house. I also got a salad pizza trespassing, a bellissima is very good. Salad pizza sounds good to me.
I'm into that. That sounds I'm intrigued. Can I? No, it was it was really I mean, it was great. It was I mean, there was some sort of dressing on the salad on the pizza that just worked really well, both with the leafy greens and with the pizza. This is unsponsored content, by the way. But Dr. Hose, if you want to get in on this, you know, yeah, let us know.
Jesse was running in the dark at your house. I pictured it like that part in Get Out where he just like his full like sprinting with like knife hands through the dark.
And I don't want any context. That's what I want to picture. I just want you to be like, holy, while he likes to ask you from the context of some of the neighbors. That's absolutely what they saw. Fantastic. That's all I wanted. That's all I wanted to know.
Yeah, well, yeah, Jordan's wife hopefully pointed me in the direction of a nice cul-de-sac to run in. And I chose around cul-de-sac and I ended up on private property.
Right, yeah, well, you know, we're out here in the woods. Everything is crazy.
Yeah, one last Jordan's family story. So Jordan's dog ate a sandwich out of my backpack. Hope Afton's doing okay. What kind of sandwich? It was like a bacon, egg, and cheese. It was good, but it was also old. So truly wasn't probably gonna eat it. But later on, Jordan's daughter was like, Mr. Jesse brought a sandwich for Afton.
Isn't that silly? I love that. You're like, I did.
I'm such a good guy. I'm such a good host. I'm such a good guest that I brought a sandwich for the dog.
The dog left it at ground level. It's pretty amazing. She pretty surgically removed it. It didn't look like anything else was super disturbed in your bag. She just like took it out.
She didn't want anything else. She wanted the sandwich.
I hate that dog.
You don't have to respect a woman who knows what she wants and gets it. And I got it. I was gonna try and come up with a segue off of that, but- Hey, there's at least one woman in this movie who really knows what she wants.
Uh-huh, that's true. And that was Tess. She wanted people to listen to her for once or something, I don't know. Well, what I was gonna say is, so obviously in the title of this video, we mentioned that we did an interview with Zach Cragger, who's the writer and director of this movie. Plus was in White As Kids You Know. And when I mentioned that, was pretty adamant that he's also been in a lot of other things. So I felt a little goofy not knowing that. That's fine. And so I prerecorded an interview. Ally had to work. Jessie was making this aforementioned show.
I was screaming in the back room and disrupting said show, talking to Zach Cragger. But so I'm the only one who was there. That's my bad, but this was the only time Zach was available.
So I guess let's just like throw to that interview and then we'll just come back. Does that make sense? Let's all do a movement. Yeah, okay. Everybody to your right. And go.
Barberian, you're the writer and the director of it. I feel like my initial question is, how did you get from White As Kids You Know to the writer and director of a horror film? What's kind of that path? If you don't mind me asking.
You know, I always wanted to be a writer-director when I was a little kid. I wasn't a little kid thinking I want to be a sketch comedian one day. I want to be a movie director.
And that's not a... I have no complaints about my time with the White As Kids, but it was sort of, it was like a hobby. I started White As Kids with my buddies in my dorm in college, and we were just like drinking buds that like thought we were funny enough to get on a stage through just the arrogance of youth, I suppose. And then, you know, and so then that led to a really exciting kickoff to my career through comedy. And so, you know, that's kind of, that was just like a fluke. Okay, yeah, you know. And I never really thought of myself as a young man as like a comedian. I just, I had a good thing going with the White As Kids. And so I was able to parlay that into being a relatively successful actor on sitcoms and, you know, I worked pretty steadily through my 30s and late 20s on sitcoms and stuff like that. But, you know, I just, I knew that that wasn't my ultimate goal.
And so as I was doing my acting during the day, I would just start writing scripts at night. And so I wrote a bunch of scripts and I really liked Barbarian when I finished it. And so I, you know, I really aggressively took it out there on the town. Did you, so yeah, did you end up pushing that one harder than most of the other ones? Did you feel like that was the one or something? Well, the script I wrote before Barbarian, I actually still think I might like more than Barbarian, but it's a script that takes place in Gotham City and it has like Batman and the Joker in it and stuff. And it's like, you know, that was kind of a non-starter. I sent that one around just as a writing sample to get people interested in me as a writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Barbarian was kind of the first script I finished that I really loved that I thought I could, I could reasonably expect might get made.
Okay, and I guess I have a question on the writing of that because, you know, the thing that I really enjoyed about it is that you essentially have sort of the first two thirds of a horror movie in the first 30 minutes and then it cuts to Justin Long. And it's almost like we're starting over again. Is that sort of born from, I just mean, you know, the people they meet and they introduce the horror and the thing happens and then we almost start over and we get the same thing kind of again. Is that sort of born from, if I'm not mistaken, you at least on Wikipedia claims that you wrote it originally as kind of one scene.
Is that sort of an exercise? Is that true? Yeah, that's true.
I wrote it here in my garage where I am right now, late at night and it was never supposed to be a movie. It was just supposed to be fun, you know, like the way a little kid draws with crayons. I just wanted to just entertain myself. And so, yeah, I had this idea for a double book for me and being. I was just kind of typing along and just sort of just not really taking it seriously at all. And I kind of had the idea that I was writing the movie that most people think they're watching where obviously, you know, Keith is bad.
He's going to do something. Yeah, you know, and then, you know, she gets down under the house and I was just like, this is cool. And and then it was time for him to do whatever he was going to do. I didn't know what that was going to be, but I was like, you know, here we are like, it's now or never. I can't really stretch this out any longer than this, right? And I was thinking, like, you know, he could inject her in the neck with a needle and then like tired of a bed. Or I was like, you know, maybe I did not know what he was going to do.
And I was like, all of these, all of this is stupid. You know, none of this is interesting.
It's all just like everyone has known from the very beginning that he's the bad guy. So like what?
I'm not I'm not fooling anybody.
So a giant naked lady comes out and kills him, you know, and then I was like, wow, fun. And so then I was like, very quickly, I was like, what is the what would be the craziest thing to cut to after this? And I just started writing the next chapter. And I didn't really even know as I was writing it, how it was going to come back in, you know, I didn't outline this movie, obviously, I didn't have a plan.
I was just kind of going. Right. Well, I think I think that's what I appreciated about it was at least as somebody watching it, I kind of you kind of did. I feel like I felt a little bit of that too, like, where the hell is it going? Like, what's what's down there? That's just like an entire community that he's going to explore something like. And so I thought that cut was so interesting and it felt atypical in a way that I think ultimately really benefited the film. Thank you. Yeah. Anyway, I just I thought it was really I was just curious how you kind of, you know, it doesn't feel like an A to B type movie in a lot of ways because you've got your whole second story that's kind of isolated that then has to intersect with the first. I don't know. I just thought that was really interesting. It really just came as a product of me just trying to entertain myself and not thinking about it in an intellectual way, but thinking about it in a subconscious way and letting letting my own inner audience member basically dig. How can I plot out a cool story? Yeah, yeah. And I think that makes a lot of sense.
One thing that I think is really funny is are you you know how movies sometimes come out in pairs. So there's you know, there's like the two movies where the White House gets attacked. It's like Olympus has fallen and White House down and there's like event horizon in Armageddon.
Do you know that there is a rom com with this set up? I've heard it. What's it called? I don't know, but it's it's Katie Holmes. Oh, wow. So I saw the trailer for Barbarian first and then I saw the trailer for the Katie Holmes movie and I was like, oh, shit, is this like also some kind of crazy horror something like that? I don't think it is.
I think it's it's played very straight, but it starts out with that same tension of what happens when. You know, a man and a woman are in the same Airbnb in the middle of nowhere kind of thing, but then her. Yeah, they fall in love.
There's no naked women in the basement as far as I'm aware. Well, I don't want to watch that. Yeah, exclusively want naked. Yeah, I need I need naked violence.
It's it's a wonderful thing. We always do spoilers by the way. So don't worry about this is supposed to be kind of after the movie, ideally. Sure, sure. He's in the movie and we're kind of flushing it out.
So hopefully they're already aware of the naked women. And if they're not, maybe that's maybe that's just the carrot they need to get.
Yeah, yeah. End here. Go watch. Come back. One other question I had or one thing that I was interested in just from a plot level is I assume this was intentional that you said Justin Long up to sacrifice himself to save the main character's name is escaping me. Tess, right.
Was that is that an intentional fake on your part? Because the way that it's set up or the way that it's filmed and maybe the music or something, I thought he was going to tackle her off the water tower, tackle the feral naked lady off the water tower and kind of redeem himself and realize something. It was that intentional or was I just like to brainwashed by more typical films? No, no, no. I mean, I definitely wanted the audience to think that there might be a redemption for him coming. I never actually thought that maybe he would dive and tackle the mother off the tower. That never entered my mind, but I liked it. You thought that.
But for me, it's more about his moment of introspection in the homeless man's hideout where he's like, I don't know if I'm a bad person. I might be, or maybe I'm a good person who just did a bad thing. It's like he's finally, it seems like he's accepting the damage that he's done.
So in that moment, hopefully, at least I hope the women in the audience are thinking, fuck this movie. If this turns into a redemption story for this piece of shit, I'm out. And then it's kind of horrible and funny when he ultimately throws Tess off the tower. It was so, I felt so earned. Well, just the absurdity of it because again, I literally thought he was like the only way to sort of redeem my badness is to sacrifice myself for this woman. Sure. For whatever reason, I thought it was going to be truly line back or her off the tower. Like what a terrible ending for the movie, right? Oh my God. That would have been the worst way to end this.
It's like, three guys aren't all bad. They can be, it's like, no, no, like he's a bad guy.
Because, yeah, I agree. Because it sort of felt like, yeah, like maybe we were trying to get into some nuanced discussion about, oh, not all cancel culture, right? Like, oh, maybe he, you know, is sort of fine and it's blown out of proportion. And so I very much appreciate that I was like, agreed. Saying things like, oh, thank God.
Yeah, and I'm not trying to say all men are bad. I'm a man. I don't think that for a second.
But I think that in this story, Justin is bad. And so he is representing a certain kind of celebrity that I think is atrocious and so I think it's a good, yeah, he's consistent. And it's Keith, right? Keith is the guy, the guy. Keith is played by Bill Skarsgard. Right. And Keith is the exact opposite. He seems like the weirdest, creepiest, pervious dude, but he's fine. That's right. We expect him to be toxic and he's, now Keith is not perfect, you know, like, he doesn't believe her when she says like, there's danger here and I think we should leave.
He's like, I'll be the judge of that. Thank you very much. You're hysterical. I'll go see for myself.
And that's ultimately his undoing. Now, again, I'm writing Keith kind of like as what I would do in that situation. So I certainly not claiming to be better than Keith, you know, like I would have probably said the same exact thing and gone down and I would have gotten killed like an idiot. Well, there's an alternate version of this movie, right? Where Keith is a pervert or something and she has to run down there to get away from him.
And then she just happens to get saved by the feral woman. And then you've got that, you've got Justin Long, you've got the guy in the past. Well, that's what I'm saying.
So like that would be a movie where you would feel like, oh, he just or, you know, the writer hates man and just hates everyone. This feels like real people. Some people are pieces of shit. Some people are kind of in between. Some people, I guess, are serial killers.
You know, you kind of get it's the whole scope of man. I suppose you get the full. I love it. I love the scope of man. That's great. It's the full experience. Yeah.
But I guess that was another thing is the connection for me. So it's really cool actually to hear that, you know, why does kids you know is not like that wasn't the goal and then it ends and then you're just like sadly wandering through Hollywood for the next couple of decades or whatever. Like that wasn't the pinnacle of it. That wasn't the whole goal in the first place because I think at least I went into this movie interested to see and I think there's a good connection.
I think that comedy and horror kind of can play or come from a similar place and a lot of ways and I think you did a really good job. I think Justin Long in particular his character where there are a lot of moments that built up the tension and then he's stupid tape measure and stuff like that. I think any horror most horror movies that don't have any comedy at all I think are really I don't know sometimes you just need that contrast and I was curious if you ever sort of how you approached since there is comedy in this movie how you approached not letting one overwhelm the other because it is legitimately a terrifying movie but you could you could under you could you know you could make so you don't give a shit about anybody and it's too stupid and you know the the feral ladies falling into pits and you're like yeah yeah yeah I mean yeah I think barbarian is such a ridiculous movie that if I didn't have comedy in there it would make the horror break you know what I mean and and and so the comedy adds a malleability to the horror that I think is the only way it survives. Now as in terms of like how do I how do I like kind of safeguard myself I don't you know I just kind of write my own my own taste and you know luckily in this in this instance my my taste kind of kind of worked you know I've written other things where it didn't and maybe in the future it won't but like and the terms in the in the case of barbarian I think I just for whatever for whatever reason I was able to kind of walk that line and I really didn't it wasn't calculated I just wrote what I wanted so that's the only honest answer I can give okay that's fair yeah in terms of like there's horror movies that I adore that are silly like I think you know all of Sam Raimi drag me to hell Evil Dead 2 silly and I think that boost the horror get out I think is is very similar to what I'm doing where it's like there's real comedy like just straight up comedy in that movie and it makes you feel so much more primed for the horror that comes after and I love Get Out I think it's a masterpiece and then there's another masterpiece Hereditary that I think has has just about zero comedy in that movie right and it is a movie that I worship you know I love it and and I don't so I don't think that there's like a formula that is better or worse than anything else like there's Ari Aster like crushed it so I can go that way you know I'm happy to like watch a horror movie that's just pure heart like St. Maud you know it's like there's no funny stuff in St. Maud That's fair I wonder if and totally push back on this if you disagree there's something interesting to me about using comedy as a way to characterize and endear the audience to characters in a quicker maybe not even quicker but in almost an easier way than sometimes the hard work of building up this like you know Hereditary is just like family drama and all of this stuff like you're really having to dig deep into these people like one of the things that I think that the MCU does so well if so many characters are funny enough that you're like oh I like them and so when something happens you're a little bit more invested in that character do you think comedy as a way to endear is useful or is something that you were thinking about or just again just kind of a taste going I think it's a taste thing you know for me it wasn't calculated again I won't repeat that but I do think you're right though because you know Justin's character on the page is vile you know he's an irredeemable rapist toxic horrible entitled asshole but there is a levity to those scenes very much intentionally and you know he's a silly person and he says and does silly things and Justin is such a likable guy that it's funny and and I think that had I cast an unlikable villainous actor to play that stuff it would have it would have ruined the movie you know because it would have just been an unpleasant half hour you know but with Justin and with the humor it's fun yeah and I guess you have to you have to be undecided enough on whether you want him to live that as soon as he goes down there you're like yeah hurry up and and die like you don't want to your point like yeah you want us to be unsure enough you it does get pushed a little bit when he like was that you in the in the bar or the club yeah okay good eyes my own mom was like my own mom saw the movie was like I didn't see you in the movie I'm like I'm the I'm the guy I'm in the bar she's like yeah it was you I'm like what the fuck I just I I could I wasn't like a hundred percent but I was like it's got to yeah there's like eight characters total anyway that's the part where you're like I don't know well yeah it's funny because I think that like a lot of men kind of make their mind up there in the bar like okay he is a rapist like he's got to go but I think that I think that I've had a lot of women come up to me and say they knew he was a piece of shit in the opening scene because when he's told that he has a sexual assault charge his first reaction is what about the pilot are we not picked up anymore and I think in that moment a lot of women are like fuck this guy see what's what's funny is because he says rape and then they say yeah I don't know something about that was like I wasn't sure if he that was like an admission of guilt like he knew obviously that's what it would be or if he's like clearly there's nothing there I'm going to say you know the highest the worst thing that could be and then he's so shocked by it so that's what I was like yeah unsure but obviously that's a great question and I I don't know the answer you know like I wonder what he thinks like does he know that he did rape her or in his mind is he convinced does he believe that like no we had sex like it was a normal it wasn't rape like yes she you know his narrative in the bar I think is like his truth it's like right at first she was being resistant as girls can do and I just had to like you know persevere and then and then she got in the mood I think I think that's his that's his truth I'm not saying he's right he's wrong like that's rape that's what I would say like 90% of like rapes and this is just me guessing here but I think a lot of the time rape doesn't look like what we think rape you know what we were taught as kids like rape isn't a guy in an alley like throwing you on the ground and yanking your clothes off I think rape is coercion you know and I think that that is something that like not enough people think about that like you can have a non-violent rape and it's still a rape and so that's that's a point that I do hope is being made yeah and I and I I do think it's I think you're right because I did this is again this is why one of the reasons I think the movie is enjoyable is because when he you know he initially seems like he only wants to call her to get the pilot going right like to smooth it over to keep it all fine but then he does anyway and it feels I know he's like drunken out of it but it feels more genuine and again a credit to Justin Long yeah yeah he crushed it he crushed you had Anthony Hopkins doing it you might feel less less like oh he's just a nice boy and yeah he's also gaslighting her in that moment you know he is apologizing but he's also gaslighting and that's that's again and I think that's why I appreciated the ending lands as hard as it does it's like oh no he's a piece of shit yeah and then and then he does the exact same thing he did on the phone with her he's like you started to slip and you know he says on the phone people can have different versions of the same thing and it's like that's his whole character is that like he is he is not living in reality yeah but I you know I appreciated that it didn't become ultimately the single most nuanced take on uh canceled culture or something no like all this like because yeah like you we just said like we get to the end of the movie and everybody feels like shit because it's like uh what are we what am I supposed to do with oh he's kind of nice sometimes like if he had if he had tackled her off the roof it's like look some rapists they come back you know yeah I was never going to be in the cards yeah I mean look and also you know the last thing I want is to make a preaching movie with an agenda I don't want anybody to walk out of our bearing and be like feel like they've been preached to I don't want to preach to anybody I want this movie to be fun and scary and stupid you know and I mean it people want to have these other conversations it's great and I'm happy but that's not the point you know but there are scary fun stupid movies that don't hit quite as hard because they they're also not it's not even that they're saying or not saying something but they're kind of just dealing with nothing like there's no there's no grounding to anything in the real world or life you know there I think of I'm trying to remember I feel like I've seen a lot of bad horror movies recently but I can't think of it but I mean even just thinking about like this is not comedy at all but like I had to watch for work I had to watch every single Saw movie and the Saw movies keep acting like there's there's something that you're supposed to care about but they don't know what it is you know it's the like oh you're supposed to appreciate life but it's so watered down that ultimately you kind of get a little distance from it because you that again like Saw is ridiculous obviously talk about ridiculous premises but you also don't feel any weight of anything because it's like if you're a bad lawyer maybe you'll get tied up in a basement but it's never specific enough I can guarantee you no lawyer has ever watched Saw and been like maybe I should change my way that has never happened right and you know by that same token maybe not a lot of rapists are watching barbarian going oh but they might you know there's a little bit more I think that there might be a 13-year-old boy who watches barbarian and he sees what's going on and he and he it enters into his mind that coercion is rape and if that happens that's awesome yeah absolutely and that's all I'm saying is I you know just giving something that grounds it's a sort of you know it's a real trauma and ultimately like one of the things Tess is afraid of is being attacked like so you know that is sort of the the underlying issue that we were kind of dealing with a lot there I had one kind of it's not a plot hole but so I don't know there's a lot holes I am not believe me I'm aware that there's plot holes in this movie I could rattle off four off the top of my head that's you know it's not even a plot hole it's just hit me hit me I don't know how familiar you are with sort of the more modern version of Cracked but this is we're just always looking at movies way harder than they ever need to actually well I like that okay who who is doing the booking at this house how did this happen and why did she who's doing the booking yeah yeah so like so this is how it works so AJ owns the house and he has hired a property management company maintain and rent it out and so Bonnie Zane who's the voice on the phone who was actually in the movie but I had to cut her scene she is listing it on multiple websites so she accidentally booked it on Airbnb and home away simultaneously through just a clerical error and so then when they show up together you know that's that's her bad and then that was two weeks ago by the time Justin shows up so like the maids come to to clean the house they don't before the new thing they don't come to clean up after so the house has just been standing in that condition for two weeks until Justin shows up that's what it is then it's the two weeks for whatever reason I thought Justin showed up that night no because he says has there when you know do I have people here and she says we haven't rented it out in a couple of weeks okay and so that's the that was the part where I was like I thought they had shown up you know without anyone even knowing like like like confirmation emails and everything right that's where I was starting to get confused yeah you you there's all these plot holes in the movie and you picked one that's not even a plot it's not even a plot hole it was truly it was just a question plot holes just the catch-all for like I didn't get it okay no that's good that's good to know I guess I didn't for some reason I thought that she was fucking with them was well no it's funny because I was listening to a podcast last night that was talking about the movie and they liked the movie but they were like so did the mother and Frank have a relationship with the lady that booked the house like were they all in on it together and I'm like what like are people really hung up I'm like obviously the mother is not communicating with a property yeah right it's insanity like she can't even speak no right okay yeah yeah no that's that's very funny yeah I just for whatever reason something about the time jump I just didn't trust it yeah yeah that's that's fair you're not the only person to be confused by that by the way I just was like somebody's being shitty like there's some kind of thing too because I also thought with with Keith I was like and I obviously this is intentional but I was like oh does he have his his merry band of musicians in the basement that they like capture women or whatever sure that would have that would have been logical yeah it would have been absurd yeah this is even more it would have fit right in so yeah anyway so I have one scene that I thought was the most terrifying gross this but I'm curious what you before I go what you're like you know you're the director you're the writer what is the most proud like sequence or or moment or whatever oh I don't I have a lot I really love the turn when we go from Keith's death to the to the Malibu I think that is a I think that works I think people are legitimately surprised I love the the tape measure to the mother running after him I feel like that six minutes is like I'll I'll you know put that on my tombstone that's great stuff I'm proud of it I think that the denouement her getting thrown off the tower leading up to Justin's death and then the final gunshot to my name you know I'm proud of it's like I ended the movie in a very punk rock way in my opinion I'm like cool I like it I don't know I look I'm not going to have too much false modesty I'm very proud of the movie you know I feel like it's it's got a lot going on this scene where the mother steps out of the darkness and then recedes back into the darkness that was the scene I was the most excited to film okay you know what I'm talking about she doesn't where she just kind of like backs away yeah yeah she's there look like that I like did what I wanted you know so yeah there's a lot I like well and you should I do think you know it's there's there are ways to I mean you already spoke how you know it doesn't make a lot of sense and you didn't plan this out for a thousand years this isn't like something that you had been like Pepe Silva like all over the wall yeah no people can pick this movie apart and it collapses under its own weight like very very quickly and I'm not going to pretend that's not true that's okay it's a horror dude this is a four and a half million dollar B horror movie right it's like amazing to me that it's getting the attention it's getting because I thought I was making a movie that nobody would talk about you know and so then when like everybody is picking it apart I'm just like this is awesome this rules so I don't care well you know false modesty would be very annoying as well if you were just like well I don't even really like it you know I tried just own up to the things that you like I think it's fair to say what you like as long as you're also willing to concede I am more than willing to concede you know why does the door close when I conveniently want the door to close you know that's magic like what is that that's so stupid or like the main thing that I think people have a problem with is like so the mother why is she so strong she can rip a man's arm off I'm like because it's a movie and it's yeah you know or like how did they get food because she sneaks out somehow and finds food yeah I you know like I don't know I don't know it's fair and if you had explained all those things it really would have sucked yeah it would have ruined the experience she's like doing push-ups next to like a bag of Taco Bell that she'd purchased or whatever like that would have been miserable so what I was going to say is my favorite easily the creepiest thing for me was the was the bottle oh yeah that you know what maybe that's it I love that moment yeah I so you know I I'm curious just so you filmed it how how a part of like the Foley or the ADR like adding the sounds after the fact because that's what really got it was bottles don't make that noise like oh they're like like the slushing of the liquid and the it felt like the the nipple was wiggling it was just so distressing I hear you man so you know we just had an amazing sound team you know those guys aren't the best we had like the we had we had a dude that is like worked on Paul Thomas Anderson movies doing doing our sound and we had another guy that like does all the Spider-Man movies doing our stuff I mean we had like a like the best of the best yeah and they're doing it so I you know I can't own I can only take so much credit a lot of my job and the sound was just letting these dudes you know bring their genius into the movie and just like saying thank you right you know I mean that's that's what I do pretty much throughout is I let really talented people do their job and I and I look good because of it you know it's it's it's director gets to gets to take all the credit for a lot of other people's ideas and hard work you know sure although again that is kind of a skill right I mean you sure I mean it's it's about curating at a certain point it's about it's about like you know you have to be the filter of what idea gets through but like doesn't mean they're your ideas you know absolutely yeah that definitely makes sense I actually was curious just sort of this is a little more not technical but like I didn't know about this movie until all of a sudden everybody was talking about this movie what has kind of been your experience so you got it approved you know when you were making it what was kind of the I don't know sort of the expectations of it how do you feel like it got from nobody knew about it to so I know a lot of people on Twitter who like horror stuff so it came up but I just kind of curious its path you know it was an indie movie right I raised did I tell you about this I've done for podcast today so forgive me if I I don't know what I pulled but it was an indie movie I raised the money you know independently and three and a half million dollar thing through this company and then my fan experience died on like the eve of my going away so the movie was cancelled you know on a Friday it was like pull the plug and then on a Saturday Roy Lee my producer he basically he got New Regency he was like read the script this morning and I need you to get on a Zoom with the director this afternoon and if you like him I need an answer today and New Regency read the script got on a Zoom with me upped my budget by a million dollars and sent me on my way so this little indie movie that was supposed to be in my wildest dream of dreams would be like on Shudder or Hulu or something you know suddenly I came back from completing it and I had New Regency say like let's see what you got and then they liked it I think and they tested it and it tested really well and then they invited Disney who owns Fox who is partnered with New Regency the Disney marketing team I have no idea how any of this happened I was not part of these conversations okay yeah they came to the next test screening and I found out later that they were there I didn't even know they were there so like I'm just thinking I'm making this movie hopefully it gets to Shudder which is by the way I love Shudder it's awesome that's not that's not bad but then I get a phone call you know later and they're like yeah so this will be this will be a wide-released theatrical movie through Disney and I was just like yeah okay and and then they didn't market it very much you know they did they did a great job but it was not a very aggressive ubiquitous marketing campaign it was a very small digital thing it was really they put the trailer up in front of some other movies like big movies like nope and black phone and stuff so that right and they put the trailer on YouTube and then they kind of tweeted some stuff out and quite frankly it was the live it was the live showings we did a comic-con and at some other festivals and that is when people who saw the movie started taking ownership of it and spreading the word it kind of had this vibe of like that indie band that nobody knows about so you feel like you own them and you get points for telling your friends and it's great that it worked out that way so I think people felt very much like excited to share okay I've got it and that's you can never ask for a better marketing campaign than that you know grassroots word of mouth that's that's infinitely cooler than if you see a billboard everywhere you go right and I do think you know kind of coming back to I don't know why I just for whatever reason comedy and horror just feels connected to me in a lot of ways just I guess emotionally I feel very similar when watching a horror and a comedy so when they get smashed together it doesn't really phase me but I was going to say that I think in both you know I've seen stand-up comedians that I had the best time in the world watching them and then I see that set later by myself in a living room and I'm like I don't know I don't know what I thought was funny and I think horror is the exact same way like I saw alien covenant in theaters and it was one of the best experiences I've ever had because everybody there was so there for it oh yeah freaking out and they're like and I've seen it later I was like oh yeah I mean that's cool and I think the fact that you are able to show barbarian to a bunch of nerds at a comic-con or whatever and have all the people in the room you get so much of that energy in a way that you wouldn't have if it went straight to shutter I think you would have had a much harder time having people watch it on shutter and tell other friends than comic-con okay I don't know if you you might be right I you know obviously it would have been a slower awakening to the movie now I have a theory okay no no no please push back I don't know anything you made a movie three horror movie that is actually scary that is actually like legit gets its due eventually people find it and they will tell their friends I don't think there's any horror movie that is truly terrifying and I'm not saying barbarian is I'm not I'm not that's not for me to say but I do think that like every legitimately super scary horror movie does find its audience because there's just not that many and the word of mouth will come I think it's like field if you build it they will come so whether you know whether you release a great horror movie and again I'm not calling barbarian great that's not for me to say but but I feel like if barbarian were to have the goods then I trust that it would it would eventually get its recognition somehow okay that's fair maybe what I'm saying that maybe I'm actually if I walk it back a little bit maybe what I'm saying is that the live experience can prop up and I take your point your point is well made and I think you're right that it's like pouring gas on the fire you know or like it definitely got word out in a big way and that's also how it is designed to be experienced in the theater with a bunch of people it's a roller coaster you want to go to the theme park and ride the roller coaster you don't want to watch the roller coaster on your face you know what I mean? well a lot of people watch video games on Twitch so it's not impossible to think yeah so actually I watch video games on Twitch but it's usually like a Demon Soul speed run or something that I could never pull off and I would watch a pro do it and just be like this guy's great you know yeah I'm not like disparaging that honestly there's a big market for that it's very cool and there's personalities baked in and all that stuff I just think for me yeah just kind of any horror experience truly feels better with people and I don't think I don't think I'm like breaking ground by suggesting no no I'm not disagreeing with anything you've said by the way I don't want you to think I'm like trying to shut down your point I think your point is very well made I'm just supplementing it with mine which is totally fine apparently I'm being too loud now for the production that's happening outside fuck damn dude yeah yeah you're all fired cool I know you've got like you're at the 45 minute kind of mark anyway yeah dude I mean if you've got anything else you want to cover I'm more than happy to but if you don't you know I don't have anything too crazy all I was going to say this doesn't have to be actually in the podcast but you're from Arlington, Virginia is that correct yeah and I'm from Charlottesville, Virginia and we're filming right now in Richmond, Virginia and so oh cool okay great man almost all the things that ironically all the things that Cracked makes now are made in Virginia wow we just a bunch of Virginia kids making stuff it's like all these guys I went to college with the guy that's directing right now is my best friend from high school it's just this weird you know I think Cracked was at certain points kind of at the apex of comedy and then sort of VCs and everybody else sort of drained the life out of it and now we're like we're back in our mom's basements and it's really it's it's sometimes that's where the best stuff happens man I hope so and I think so I just one of the reasons I reached out to you specifically we don't tend to have a ton of guests on this podcast except occasionally is because of this like you know Trevor Moore spent a bunch of time in Charlottesville he grew up he grew up right outside of Charlottesville as I'm sure you know yeah right and my parents know his parents and stuff like that so it's just it's cool to see this trajectory of like it's you know Virginia kids doing it look at us I like it I support it so anyway I just really appreciate you taking taking the time to man it was it was absolutely my pleasure thank you so much for having me man I appreciate it we're back whoa oh I got whiplash oh we came back too fast what a great interview Zach Cragger wow I was I was breastfeeding with an with an adult an adult man I was a little busy adult man during that yeah I am satiated as is he yeah we said Jesse was filming a show but it was really just sort of was filming a show yeah right so that interview happened Zach's great he was very very kind and willing to do that by being willing to do that interview with a bunch of random people and then only one random person showed up and then one but yeah so let's just talk about the movie so we've got all that context I spoke a lot with him so I'm kind of curious just thoughts this is kind of in my wheelhouse I love horror stuff and I know that neither of you are like as interested in horror as probably I will say like I really like horror movies I would say my least favorite kind of horror movie slash the only ones I don't make an effort to see is I'm not interested in like slashers as much or like anything where the plot is everyone's going to die and the fun is like how's it going to happen that's like my least favorite kind but anything that's like monsters paranormal weird house I love okay so this is like right up my alley this is exactly the kind hey this is the kind of horror movie that I'm like that I like will like and I really liked it and I also want to say I was really really really really really scared like really scared and I the reason I wanted to proceed that by saying that I like horror movies is that like it wasn't like I don't like horror movies and this scared me I like horror movies and it really scared me a lot the first act moved so fast and was so full of so much tension that when it got to them being in the underground tunnels and stuff I was like how can this movie have another hour because like I'm already so scared and I'm already like so like gritting my teeth scared but like I don't know what I'm going to do and so it was such a fun surprise to have this like narrative cutaway structure which was like such a genius idea but before that reveal I was like am I going to make it like I'm already so scared and there's so there's so much movie left normally you're not that scared until like the back third or something and so I was like and I also want to say like two things one I am very claustrophobic and so like one of my worst something that like is in my dreams as like a nightmare is trying to find somebody in a dark place where my brain says you have to go further in but my heart says don't go in there and that like literally was exactly in the movie and like she Georgina Campbell is such a good actress and like when she's like calling for him but like there's like the hysteria in her voice I was like I feel like I'm watching myself like that really scared me and the second thing is I've never lived in a house I'm a new I like grew up in New York City I've like stayed in houses I've like been like in actor housing I have never like lived in for a long period of time owned a house and so to me every basement has a secret passage I just want you all to know that like Jordan's house has one if you are in a house right now you have one ours does I believe that like this confirmed this to me confirmed a bias I have already but like if I ever were to like go like live for a long period of time in a house with a basement I would like just never go in there and lock the door to the basement and never and just be like that doesn't exist to me and so I hate when a movie confirms a weird fear because you're like I knew it every house has a secret basement where people get killed like to me this was this was documentary so I was really scared I don't know if I've if I've talked about the house that I grew up in before on the pod but it is a full-on haunted house situation so it's a farmhouse from the 1880s the basement is like take these creaky wood steps to get down there it's like it's like barely six feet it's dirt and dust floor the walls are like stone and like sort of masonry work and so in and of itself incredibly spooky but there is also like a weird little like false room almost no I think it's technically it's like grain storage but it's like a it's like a very small New York City studio apartment just like oh that makes me feel more comfortable okay now I'm now I'm comfortable yeah yeah but yeah it's like there's not like a doorway to get in there it's sort of like a slit like about like chest level that's like a couple feet high so that's very spooky and yeah so I've never seen it go I've never had a border of any sort I've never had like a giant naked woman in there and I've never seen it but my dad has a couple of times in the time in the time that he's lived there seen in the corner of his eye what he says is like a little he thinks it's a little girl in a dress walking across the room on the other side of the room and it's always like as he's sort of like dozing off or whatever so anyway why is he sleeping in the basement well he's not in the basement he's in the living room at that point you know that goes off like watching TV or whatever so that's just like went to the dirt floor yeah he's laying on the dirt floor yeah yeah that's how the eyes men sleep they get as low as they can that's why I live exclusively in basements they just lie on the floor so anyway that informs my appetite for horror movies which is that I don't have a big one because I grew up being scared all the time I guess you already were the woman in Barbarian exactly it's a miracle you escaped I mean absolutely so that just this the way they treat this basement was already so like I know this feeling I'm like kind of putting on like a familiar like pair of pajamas or something like oh this sucks I want to get out of here and the way he did it was so good it's like going even deeper when you didn't think there was any deeper to go I feel like that's sort of a theme throughout this movie and just when it happened in the theaters like it was so much fun watching it in theaters because people were laughing to keep from screaming yes very much so like I get like a lot of like nervous laughter which is great I will say like as much as I really really loved nope and saw it again even after we talked about it like I've seen it now twice this summer it was like a great movie and it was like a fun roller coaster ride but I was never scared and I like forgot what it felt like to watch like a scary movie like a capital s scary movie in a theater with people because it's been a while for the pandemic and the movies that we've seen and like yeah I haven't seen like a movie that's been really really scary in theaters in a while and I forgot what it feels like when it goes like really quiet and like you could hear a pin drop in the theater and then everybody has like that one little explosive moment where they kind of like gasp or laugh or whatever it is that they do and then like then you kind of hear some talking and then it gets quiet again like it was just great like it long story short if you're watching this with spoilers still haven't seen the movie I would strongly recommend trying to see it in a theater just because like absolutely like such a good theater experience great cast like great actors some truly fantastic performances can I say my little theory not theory not like a Jesse Eiseman theory with the story my main takeaway from this movie is that the one of the true villains of this film and I think intentionally because like I think Zach this is a one of his thesis statements is that Kurt Braunhauer as the nice next door neighbor of Frank way up there on the list of villains do you you think like that's the subtext or you think that the things that we see okay so here's what I'm making small talk here's a guy who obviously has lived next door to Frank the serial killer for years he says it in the dialogue is textual he's like oh you know it's 15 years and come on time for us to move on right so he's lived there for a long time he watches this man get out of his car in a blue boiler suit with a name plate that says Carlos not even once is he like that's weird carrying a whole a huge handful of diapers and he's not like this man doesn't have a doesn't have a baby this man doesn't have a family doesn't seem to have a baby family he's just like well you know that's how it goes blah blah blah blah I'll be moving out soon and let's this guy go into his house you know that he has been watching weird shit happen in this house next door to him for a nigh on 15 years and said not a word real villain of the piece honestly it's a good point there's so much like like the evils of the suburbs or is like a fun thing that's weird its head in here because like that's an unspoken thing among people who live in houses I feel like can't relate it's like homeowners very much have an attitude like I don't give a shit what you do over there and just don't look at what I'm doing over here and it's like a sort of an unspoken pact and you're right this guy probably knows this guy's up to no good something like because like again not that I think he knows with certainty there is a killer next door and is just like oh well but I think that like I think one of the main thesis statements of the movie is that like men inherently trust other men kind of just like in a moment of panic it's like for example there's that part where AJ stumbles upon like old Frank dying in the bed and instead of being like holy shit another bad person he's like dude I'm gonna get you out of here we're gonna get saved I'm gonna call the cops there's gonna be cops in 30 seconds we're gonna have this place swarmed which is like what is ultimately his demise sort of you know what I mean like but it's like it's so interesting that in that moment he sees this man who is not as monstrous as the monster but is in the exact same circumstances which is like you're a weirdo in a basement and instead of seeing him as a aggressor or something scary or wanting to run from him he's like oh you're here I'm here to save you you're here to save me yeah like oh thank god another dude and there's kind of a lot of that in the film which is why I'm like I don't think this was I think this was intentional in terms of like the storytelling of just like this neighbor sees his weird guy neighbor and instead of like wanting to find the red flag is just sort of like I can justify any of this all of this could make sense to me whereas like so much of this movie is about Tess seeing red flags and being like I don't want to do that I don't want to go any further I think we need to do da da da and like people just being like I mean I mean if you say so I think it's pretty normal I guess I got to see it for myself you know stuff like that yeah I I think you could even expand that to yeah like does he go to a different food lion every week or whatever to buy his plastic sheets and diapers yeah and diapers I mean I guess it's unclear exactly how many women have been abducted and impregnated obviously like they're doing the Russian nesting dolls of people yeah I don't know how to say that with how to be super gross but basically like obviously he's impregnating multiple generations of these people so I don't know how many were in the initial batch I suppose I will say one of the only things that I thought that I can't really make sense of in terms of like true logic which again like it's a horror movie I'm not trying to be like caught you logic like when the the person who's like the the man who helps or who lives in the water tower he like says something like oh when you have a copy of a copy of a copy they get like messed up like that but like realistically it's probably only three generations tippity tops do you know what I mean it can't be more than that because like it was the 80s Regan was president on the radio and Frank was 40 and so even if he kidnapped a woman who was 18 not to say that he was obsessed with consent laws who was like stop are you 18 I only want to find legal adults but you know what I'm saying like even if you found a woman who was 17 and then she had a baby which takes a year then the baby has to be old enough to have another baby which is another 16 to 17 years do you know what I'm saying like maybe like 12 but yeah I mean but you know what I'm saying like generation wise we can't be more than we really can't be more than like three sure but you also have to take into account there's probably like lead pipes lead paint there's probably asbestos everywhere so there's a lot of environmental factors that can really speed up the mutation well I feel like that's true too actually they're quite literally living underground and so have never really gone any like somehow I guess she goes out to feed for something like she goes out and like scrounges around I picture her eating squirrels and raccoons raw which is just fun yeah I think I mean so Zach actually explicitly one of the things that he was mentioning off top hand he's like why would she be that strong I don't know you know I read that I read that in an interview because I was like reading out the movie after and he was like also it's a horror movie so it's scary if she's strong that's my answer and I was like great good enough answer for me yeah there comes a point where picking it apart makes it less fun the only thing that I was thinking was like he can't have been doing this for generations like for like ever because like even if he started when he was like 30 I don't know maybe he's I don't know how long ago he started so I don't know maybe I don't know that feels like a we've got the ingredients for motivational quote like hey you know this guy didn't start creating a family until he was 30 something it's never too late that's so true yeah it's like you think it's too late for you this guy didn't start capturing and murdering women and having his own generation of in breeds until he was 40 Reagan was president well okay well okay but if you think about it he could have been doing it since he was 20 that's what I'm saying now that I'm thinking about it maybe it was a long time going so one of the things I wanted to ask Zach that I didn't find in any of the interviews but like is like a question that I had about the movie is what is the I want to call her the monster because she doesn't have a name but I like feel almost rude to call her the monster what is her perspective or her relationship with Frank like I want to know if she is afraid of him or if she sees him as a parental figure do you know what I mean like because she has such a immediate sort of gut response to strangers which is that she immediately wants to take them in and like have them be her baby so I really want to know what her perspective is like what her attitude is what her relationship is like with Frank obviously it's not one of hate because she'd kill him like she'd have killed him by now so she obviously doesn't I think she's been groomed since she was literally born and has been sleeping with him and so like I think she it's a hybrid dad like spousal thing that's kind of what I wanted to know I guess also she's so scary that I'm like is Frank still doing it with her right well that's she's visibly like afraid when AJ starts backing into that room where she's kind of afraid she's afraid of him so you have to imagine she's probably taking care of him she's probably at least bringing him like cans of cat food or whatever but like she does like and I think that was the point of that moment it was like this is the scariest thing you've ever seen the homeless guy from nearby even says she's not the worst thing down there yeah I guess he's referring to the dude to the dude her she is afraid of the dude yeah he's probably even if she views him as a parent type spouse he's probably not the warmest guy you know the kindest gentleman I was I was really reading him as being a sweet Mr. Rogers he kind of type type yeah he doesn't have that he doesn't have the charisma that like real life serial killers do like when he's taught when he's in the store he's you know you think he'd be like yuckin it up with the lady and he's just like diapers yeah yeah he was one of those mean serial killers I just don't like those he's not going to get a Netflix special what if we get yeah work a little harder come on he's not going to get seven thousand yeah Netflix true crime series like Dahmer has gotten in the last like two years you know that guy's been grinding at it for so long it's at a certain point it's just nice to see people succeed we gotta let him retire um yeah really quick I just wanted to back up and say I and I mentioned this in the interview too but I completely agree I think the best theater experiences I've ever had are horror movies actually because it is so primed for like like physical unwanted responses from everyone but in a fun way so like immediately thinking I mean you mentioned no get out is one of my favorite things get out was I was going to say if you ask me my number one best theater experience it's get out yeah um and uh uh it the first one and freaking alien covenant which is one of my dimension which is not a good movie but everybody there was like and it was even gone girl which is not a horror movie but has like those moments yeah for sure it's just so great to watch it in theater as opposed to like I'm checking my football scores on the couch it's like ah I'm like yeah oh my god like event horizon which we're going to talk about soon where okay well spoilers but I was scared yeah I've actually never I've never lived for an extended period of time on a spaceship so on a big spaceship so I assume every spaceship's like that you know so you know confirmation bias it's more that it was like like 2 p.m on a Monday it was also 2 p.m on a Monday for me yeah so it's like whatever that's great we'll talk about that with Jason Parge and later stick around wow yeah if you're in our apartment stick around so this movie is so good and I have a hard time imagining myself watching it again I was like really very very scared and when a movie is that scary it's like hard to be like will I ever be in the brain space where I'm ready to like let this in again like I don't know if I ever can I was well and it'd be so different right like so much of the horror comes from not knowing what the hell is going on obviously and you know even tension like Scarsgard I can't remember which one is he his name's Keith in the movie which are you talking about which Scarsgard yeah but whatever is Bill the dad though it doesn't matter Keith you know there's so much tension there and you know what I always want this is this is something I just want to advocate for you know he played Pennywise the clown in it so he's already a freaky dude he can actually make his eyes go separate directions yeah what a skill I think you should do that in every movie just sort of regardless yeah he's just like he's just like hey I'm a good dude whoa I don't worry about that that would freak me out doesn't matter what's going on it could be a rom-com and that would just the tension would be so high you'd be like oh my god what the hell is happening why is he doing that to me he already kind of has a little bit his eyes are so big and expressive anyway you kind of aren't sure if they're looking the same direction anyway honestly one of the image one of the images from the movie that is sort of stuck in my brain and keeps kind of scaring me at unexpected times is the look on his face as he's being beaten to death because he like has this like big wide scary of Skarsgard eyes but he's also scared but there's also something so unsettling about his look I don't know like again there were a lot of parts of this movie that like I'm genuinely like don't want to think about that it's almost 10 p.m I really really should stop thinking about that part you can start thinking about bedtime things yeah 100% I think that moment was pretty nuts too because you're still not sure that he's not the bad guy you know like it still could be that he has orchestrated this and he's that's well that's where all that tension came from is you think that he's luring her down there and so to see top contender for big bad get his brain smashed against the wall really unsettling yeah yeah not the happiest thing I've ever seen I do feel like they do a really interesting job or Zach did I suppose of you know there's a lot of things that they set up that it could have been so like they mentioned like with the freaking dog crates or whatever sitting there like it's I guess they're keeping baby centered or something but they like that's not very clear like what is that you know scars garden or Keith mentions that like I'm here because I'm part of like an anarchist jazz yeah company or whatever and and we like that shouldn't exist yeah and he's like we we like take over basements and shit and so I was like oh my god what if it's like what if it's like freaking demolition man down there and it's like that's what I thought was going on it's like there's this whole world of creepy pervert Detroit jazz musicians and so I really think it could have you know he Zach was saying he sort of just wrote one scene and then he kind of was like I don't know where to go so that's when he started writing the Justin Long part which is actually a great narrative device but so fun and unexpected and like like I said to me necessary because like it is it is at that moment which is like basically exactly the one third mark of the movie right so scary and so at the pinnacle of like what you can handle as a audience member that you think like what am I gonna see next I like kind of need a break and then it like smash cuts to like like the Pacific what is it called the Palisades Highway or whatever it is I forget what it's called yeah Pacific Coast Highway maybe Pacific Coast Highway thank you sorry I don't live in houses um you know what I mean it's like there's like beautiful like it's like it's like oh I I didn't beyond that being very smart and very unexpected device I didn't realize how much I needed that to literally be able to finish the film yeah so it's like it's like so smart and it's also like seeing a familiar face like literally seeing Justin Long yeah there was so many little things like that is like I wasn't sure is this Justin Long or is this a character and now it didn't take me out of it but it just like put me in a different headspace that most movies put me in I think I think Justin Long is like the perfect actor to choose for that particular role because like there's a lot of trust built into this guy I also feel like so sure it turns out he's a rapist but like you're leaving space in your brain because you're like I don't want to think bad about Justin Long I know but that's and that's like it's like the opposite with Skarsgard where you're just like fucking creep and then like at every turn the narrative tells you he's not a bad guy he's just a man but you're like I've seen what eyeballs can do I know what his eyeballs can do and if you and like nobody with eyeballs like that should be trusted and so it's like it's just like fun sort of like playing on your preconceived notions I was reading I don't know if you talked about this a ton with Zach I don't feel like you did but I was like reading just like how hard it was to get this movie made and that like we did a little bit but yeah all of the studios just kept being like we're not cutting away from the main movie we're not spending 30 minutes on a new character and a character who's established as a rapist like that's not happening and it's like why not it's kind of crazy that people like cannot see that cannot envision that as working because they're like first of all it works so well and secondly it's a horror movie not a rom-com you know what I mean like I'm not you're not asking me to meet a character who's a rapist and then be like but in 12 years Harry and Sally get together so it's like I know what's going to happen to the guy you know he's going to get to the house like has a little faith in me he did say one of the things that he mentioned and I realized we're sort of if you saw the interview you already know this but one of the things he mentioned was like on the page Justin Long's character is very clearly despicable there's nothing redeeming it's a piece of shit it's very obvious but then you but then you cast Justin Long and you're like oh well it's not that bad I think that what I said if it was Anthony Hopkins driving around you'd be like right I got it bad That's what's so fun about it is that in real life these people who have convinced themselves they've done nothing wrong are like people they're not Hannibal Lecter do you know what I mean? It's like and I think that's also kind of a point of the film which is that Frank is a weirdo but people lived next to him for a bazillion years and nobody said boo and it's like these people who have this capacity for monstrosity are just people it's not you don't look like a giant woman with pendulous naked breasts you look like you look like a dude you look like Justin Long you look like whatever do you know what I mean? Anybody is sort of capable of it Yeah Not anybody like you know Yeah, I've done it It can take on the guise of a very normal human person Well right and I think that ties directly into the thing we said at the beginning which is like oh thank god a dude well you're like people are finding relief in the presence of this dude who in fact is a goddamn monster We just don't know and it's like he's like oh dude I'm gonna save you we're gonna get out of here we're at we as a unit of men or against the monster when in reality he is like responsible for the monster and the actor actually was very good because there was such a subtle acting shift in a person who can't talk or do anything but in that moment where Justin Long's character is like don't worry like I'm gonna have I'm gonna have police swarming this place in 30 minutes like we're gonna have justice served there's like a moment in his eyes where he's like I can't be found and like it's a very it's like such a teensy little acting shift but it's like it is very readable like where you're like uh oh this guy is gonna do it's great again every performance is really quite excellent yeah I I really enjoyed that too yeah because it's so weird like what it's so odd that he thinks anything but to strangle him to death immediately upon seeing him because I'm like that's just as gross exactly exactly yeah but it feels so correct for that character to like see another like just like human person and be like obviously we are both victims here let's fight against the monster to whatever there's also some like Frankenstein-y type elements of this in that like ultimately this like monster is somewhat child-like and just like wants the innocence of like care and love and another another body do you know what I mean like it's it's a little bit it's a it's a Lenny type character a little bit yeah where it's like she's I mean she's angrier than Lenny but she's kind of petting things too hard and caring too hard and like yeah it's my favorite part of so scary yeah I love I did I thought it was it was I liked when Lenny breastfed the mice and the men yeah the men of mice and then that sucks what that's about yeah it's that's the best part for sure yeah I think the only question that I forgot to ask I didn't understand quite the physics of her falling off the roof and then still landing on top of the the monster yeah I guess the monster kind of did like a dive which does make you air more aerodynamic so you would actually go faster now like from a fully logical point of view I'm like I don't think the monster would know that because she's never watched anything fall from a great height and you can't know you can't know things you don't know you know what I'm saying I think that's true if you're Tom Cruise saving a bunch of people falling out of an airplane or Robert Downey Jr or whatever that movie was but I it's it's not that far it's like it's like 30 feet there's not a lot of like aerodynamic play I could they're falling from an airplane I could be convinced it doesn't matter you were falling like this with your arms up and I like made myself like an arrow I could fall faster than you and like be but but but my counterpoint to that is this woman has watched one film her entire life which is a breastfeeding VHS and lives underground so in my mind I don't think she even knows that if you fall from a great height you die like I don't understand how she understand that that would kill her I like I don't you know what I'm saying like I think and how would you know well I don't even I don't think she's making a conscious decision I think she's just jumping after the baby quote unquote but I it doesn't matter it does it truly doesn't matter at all I just thought it was funny and that was the thing I said to Zach I thought Justin was going to tackle her off Justin Long's character was like redeem himself and he was like that would have been a horrible movie I was like no I know but I that's that's what I thought you were doing so good job not doing it I guess I'd like to imagine what this woman's life would have been like if I don't want to think about her ever if the dude had picked up any other VHS like what's what's a movie that was out in the Reagan era blank man that's what I was thinking I don't think I'm not sure if the timeline works out but imagine if the mother watched nothing but blank man I know the blank man and she was like making people like make toasters that can fly in her basement she was like bah bah bah bah bah and they're like I don't understand toasters don't light on fire and she's like bah bah bah bah and he's like okay fine making people tinker with weird shit downstairs to make their comic book inventions she would have had a huge pendulous brain instead of the boobies also there would have been like remember that one part in blank man where they go underground and it was secret layer and it's like all weirdly like painted on the stuff yeah I was I mean I was thinking she had a secret layer she had a secret layer but she used it for evil instead of for good exactly instead of for blank man purposes yeah either that or I would have hoped that she would watch like a like a what am I Bruce Lee movie or something and she was just like incredibly gifted at martial arts still just as strong but like but really gifted but really in control of it all that's very funny not bad that would have been dope and such a fast movie everyone snaps the neck snaps the neck check back I also really like Be My Baby as the ending sting of the credits which was very very funny yeah he was saying Zach was like I love how it ended he's like it was very punk rock I feel very good about it yeah I love how it ended too and I loved the like smash cut to that song and stuff although I was gonna say the other song I could picture is Barbara Ann which is Five Beach Boys which is it goes bah bah bah bah bah bah I was like that would be a good ending cause ending cut too yeah cool you guys got anything else or you want to flip to all title I just feel I think I think you touched on a little bit in the interview and I don't know that there's much more to say about it but I just want to point out like the connection between comedy and horror is so this movie made me think a lot about that and I wonder am I making things up or is there a little bit of a trend of like established comedians becoming like horror no definitely and they're all kind of hitting it out of the park too like there's yet to be one who's been like I'm gonna try it and then been like oh good no this sucks good job dude like it's all kind of been hits yeah I couldn't articulate it in a way that I wanted to but I feel like they are sort of attempting to elicit similar emotions like this like drama and sadness takes this time to develop you know or like whatever like you have to do a certain thing but comedy and horror both kind of rely on just like I mean it's the element it's the element of surprise and it's not just jump scares this one had jump scares but that wasn't even the scariest parts or wasn't the only scary parts but yeah it's a matter of like it's like a like conducting a symphony almost you know like good comedy and good horror it's like balancing these tensions as you go along and setting expectations and leaving red herrings that are all plausible they say like this isn't true obviously of like every comedy but like one of the first things you learn about comedy is like it'll come in threes there's like two things that are expected and then like the turn which is like not all that different than what you would expect if you were trying to write something that was scary which is like you know every scary movie is like they heard a sound on the stairs and there was nothing there then they heard the sound on the stairs and there was nothing there and then the sound was right behind them and it was the woman with the long scraggly hair and it was Ross Perot and it was Ross Perot why is he in my house? That's terrifying in this fantasy I have a house that is like they're like kind of the same thing which is like expectation doesn't happen yet expectation doesn't happen yet punchline and then like in a scary movie the punchline is a scary thing and but in a comedy the punchline is like the funny thing like it's like I think understanding the like setup release kind of feeling like works extremely well in both and if you get one you can kind of get both I think too just to put a bow on it for this movie I think the perfect encapsulation of doing both at the same time was Justin Long with the tape measure that was so funny because not only does it set up multiple gags of him being like oh my god this is terrifying just kidding I'm gonna do the tape measure all the way down the stairs and then the tape measure is used as a terrifying like yes sucked off into the whatever the depths of hell is what happens in suburban basements you get sucked off into the depths I believe it and I think that was a great example of doing both at the same time setting up comedy beats and setting up horror beats and then just sort of I mean ultimately landed on horror but like that kind of thing it's yeah setups punchlines setups punchlines but also yeah that sort of simmering tension simmering expectation for comedy and trying to hold them both I think it was great and I think obviously like one of the best examples that you're mentioning Jesse is Jordan Peele obviously coming from a background in comedy just seems to balance those things really well but totally yeah that's good that was I'm glad you mentioned that because that was something I was like trying to articulate while also you know how funny is scary yeah also I will say of all the performances you're cool which were all universally great Zach and his little cameo in the movie is also really funny when he's just like yeah my dude man man you're my dude and I would never I would never ever go against you but you gotta tell me yeah yeah he's so funny it's great great you guys want to do because we gotta we gotta get to some stuff ski battle you want to do some alt titles I got two yeah I don't got none you should start okay I just had bread for love wow and there's a couple ways you could do it but I had bed and barbarian but I was thinking you could do air bed and barbarian so maybe that's how you do it air bed and barbarian or you know breakfast and barbarian but there wasn't as much there wasn't so much breakfast I mean there was some jiggly nipples I guess but jiggly there was like certainly baby formula yeah there's milk was it formula or is it breast milk? maybe it should be bread and breakfast and barbarian how about that that's really good bread and breakfast parentheses nipples and barbarian that's a really just streamlined we get all the points what do you got Jesse? boobarian let's cut that I forget I just made these up now man I had a couple ideas I went like when I watched a movie and I can't find them oh my god that was your worst one yet I thought you were going to say Tess and Keith's infinite playlist I'm going to say AJ and mother's infinite playlist and then this is a play on this is a this is a thinker but that's good let me try and dissect that one our seo is going to be killer on so many people are already searching for that you know I mean you never know I bet you somebody's out there searching for woman breastfeeding full grown man oh yeah for sure if you want to just put that in the tags like someone's out there looking for that so you know I mean there's a whole adult baby community every day Jesse teaches me something I don't want to know I feel like that is like the recurring thing of his podcast I'm just like Jesse why would you say that why do I have to know that now you're like giving me you like you curse you curse me with information I want you to think about that when you go to bed instead of barbarians that would be awful well that's gross if you have an alternate title please put it in the comments I'll put the I'll put the form thing in there as well I'll probably be I think we're going to premiere this so I'll still be in a chat somewhere should be like do a red carpet for the premiere maybe actually probably not because I'm going to try and release it today so we'll see what happens oh just kidding but you know this is kind of like a bonus episode and then on Thursday we're going to have Devin Byam my best friend talking about lucky number 11 that's awesome and then I'm going to get him to tell some important embarrassing stories about you as a younger person I have so many more on him so it's sort of mutually assured destruction that really works in my favor I'm going to say about that that sounds great and much like Event Horizon then we got Jason Pargin next Thursday talking about Event Horizon which will be great so you guys got anything else or do I kind of say the things and we wrap up say things wrap all right we are live streaming give or take every Thursday give or take at 4 p.m. eastern give or take next week when you're watching this I don't know on Thursday I already said this subscribe to Cracked Movie Club here but also Apple Podcasts and Spotify and all that stuff you can then request movies already mentioned that where can we find you Jesse? Find me on Twitter at Osmond find me at Miss Alice Nutting also it's very funny I've realized again this is my fault because I've had this username when I was unmarried no not even unmarried but like 14 years old or whatever it was like my first ever like you know like whatever because I was like a theater kid who was obsessed with Mr. Edward and Druid which is where this character Miss Alice Nutting comes from it is very funny to me that people think that my name is Alice it's not and that my last name is Nutting it's not and that so many very sweet people in the comments have been like and congrats to the new Mr. Nutting which is so funny because like not my name and my husband didn't take my fake name and it's like none of those things are real but again thank you so much for the sweet the the intention was so pure and I appreciate that I feel like there's some joke about how when I got married I became a Mr. Nutting but I I'm going to leave it and you can find me at the underscore J underscore reading on the Twitters and also you know what I'm just going to keep mentioning it until somebody yells at me but you know I do have a YouTube page and maybe maybe I'll put something up there someday maybe I'll get fired and then I'll put a lot of things up there yeah screw you guys that's it we're done goodbye everyone |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_spade_entertainment_news_saturday_night_live | And here now is David Spade with the Hollywood Minute. David. thank you, Kevin. In the movies, Mrs. Doubtfire opened big this weekend, beating out all the rest. this movie was really good the first time I saw it when it was called Tootsie. but Tootsie wasn't a nanny, I know, it's different. And Jackson Brown has a new Cd out, it's called Same Haircut. by the way, 1973 called, and they want your head back. my name is Prince, and I am funky. my name's Roseanne, and I am crazy. a triple marriage, it's called Kentucky. Blend in. everyone in Kentucky just went, hey.
I've been checking out their fashion magazines lately, and I have one question.: Remember when models used to be pretty? Remember when they looked like girls? Here's my idea. Why doesn't the fashion industry tell us what?
Men are good looking and let the heterosexuals pick the girls? deal? hold my coat while I go to Hell. A. Byrne, I saw Beverly Hillbillies with Jim Varney as the dad, He wasn't bad. But to me, Buddy Ebsen will always be the Sean Connery of Jed Clampett's. Macaulay Culkin, Hi. First of all, your dad's nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something, kid, you're cute. you've got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it's true. here's the catch.: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10, all right? Oh yeah, oh yeah. this is where you're headed, Buddy. welcome to Hell. the hair turns brown, you get wrinkles, cynical, mean. start hating it, get used to it.
Madonna and Michael Jackson are in a race to see who can end their career first. And Michael is leaning at the tape. And speaking of Michael Jackson, let's get serious people, what's he all about anyway? take away all his fame, forget he's a rock star. he's just your next door neighbor, But he's had 10 plastic surgeries, he grabs his crotch all the time, he wears a Sergeant Pepper jacket 10 years late, talks like a girl, wears makeup at the store, and has monkeys in his house.
Now he wants your 10 year old to go on a trip with him because he loves children. Do you let him? No. Now, he's recouping over in a clinic in London on the corner of Cuckoo and Nuthead. he's been over there for a while with charges waiting for him in the U.s. And guess what, unlike Platform Shoes, he ain't coming back. that's a Hollywood minute, Kevin. back to you. |
TheOnion | Special_Boy_With_Freakishly_Large_Brain_Wins_Spelling_Bee | Coming up next, we'll meet yet another smug guy who's scaled Mount Everest. Oh, we've had too many of these guys. You're gonna hate this one. This guy is particularly hateable.
But right now we've got a very special guest here in the studio with us and I do mean special. Some idiot savants are skilled with music or numbers. 12-year-old James Kamara's skill is spelling. Like a real-life Rain Man.
That's right, Tracy. Here's him winning the New Jersey State Spelling Bee. He did such a good job there that he gets to represent the state in the Nationals.
James, we are both so proud of you. Yeah, when I won I was like, yes! Now James, tell us how did you get to be able to spell like that?
My brain works normally so I don't, I can't even fathom it. Well, I study it like two or three hours a day. What is going on in your brain right now? I think you can probably understand everything we're saying but is it all jumbled up? I mean, do you see random colors and flashes and stuff like that? No, I don't. I just, I'm fine.
I understand your school has actually put you in a special institution? The Gifted and Talented program? Well, those are accelerated learning classes.
Ah, is that what they're calling them now? Yeah. Well, let's take another look at you up on that big high stage. E-U-D-A-E-M-O-N-I-C. Eudaimonic. That's great. Yeah, see, look at him there.
I mean, he may not be able to feed himself but he can spell a word I can't even pronounce. Well, well, I can feed myself just fine.
James, the other kids must be so cruel to you. Are they? Do they call you names? No, I'm fine. Oh, I bet they do. I bet it really hurts your feelings. They never called me names.
Well, James, do you know if your mother did a lot of drinking or had a drug problem while she was pregnant with you? No, she didn't. She was fine. I really admire her strength in raising you. I mean, I would have just tossed you in the gutter to end your agony.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just smart. Right. James, if you want to howl or pound your head against something, you just go ahead and do it. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just smart. You just do whatever you have to do. There's nothing wrong. I'm just smart.
It's okay, James. It's okay. Whoa, now, hold on. Take a seat. It's okay. Relax. It's okay.
Okay, all right, calm down. All right, calm down. All right, I think we need some help in here, guys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoops. All right, guys, thank you very much. Okay.
Oh, what a great little guy he is, huh? He just got a little excited there for a minute, I think. |
dropout | every_7_seconds_museum | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible, right?
And that to... B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-babe! Hachimachi! Oh, this ain't no bustle. This is my real honky-tonk badonkadonk. Next you'll see Edvard Munch's The Scream. The red in the sky was apparently inspired by the sweet, sweet titties, squeezed betwixt the two hands, wowsers in my heart. Come on, that is not appropriate. I'm trying to learn about art. Posh up.
At this point in the tour, you're likely gazing upon Whistler's mother. I'll let her tell you the rest. Whistler went out to buy some milk.
Why don't you climb in here and wail on my wrinkly muffin? Hahaha! Oh, gross! I'll wail on your wrinkly muffin. You need to shut your mouth. You need to go stand somewhere else, lady.
Can't you see I'm going through something here? I'm looking at a painting and...
Let me see that bodacious badonk. Yeah, yeah, let me see that bodacious badonk.
Everyone needs to get off. Wait. You see that, too? Well, see what I just meant in general. It's healthy to masturbate. |
dropout | 3_totally_cringeworthy_date_stories | So at 16 years old, working at the car wash, there was this really cute girl who was a cashier and I was like, I'm going to ask her out. Surprisingly, she said yes.
I was like, great. I had the perfect date planned. I got tickets to Con Air. I got a new pair of Billabong cargo shorts and I got the new 311 CD. I called her up. I was like, hey, when am I going to pick you up in my 84 Blazer?
And then she told me that she'll just meet me at the movie theater and her parents will drop her off. I saw her at the theater and she was like, I don't want to see Con Air.
And then guess what?
Two of her really hot guy friends showed up to decide to sit down at the food court with us. They told her about this killer party going down. And then she asked, hey, Nick, would you mind taking me and my two really hot guy friends to this party? I was like, yes, because nice guys always win. We got to the party.
That's what she told me. She didn't want to be rude and bring me to this party that I was invited to. So I left. Drove my 84 Blazer with 311 blaring and I went to go see Con Air by myself on a Saturday night. I just started seeing this girl and she knew that she was going to be running a little bit late. So she told us to go ahead, order, start eating.
I see something there called spicy quail. So when it finally arrives, they bring out this beautiful golden crispy bird.
And next to it is this little dish of sauce took my fork and I dumped it in. It was that moment of like, ah, this is nothing. And I dumped the entire bowl of sauce all over the quail. Took my first bite. Terrible, terrible mistake.
The sauce was spicy beyond comprehension. If sauces could be indicted for war crimes, this one would have a very long trial that would get a lot of press. Satan himself decided to make a hot sauce. He would make this and then decide it was too spicy for him.
And that is what I put all over my quail. I am doing everything I can to dull the heat that immediately engulfs my entire face When my date arrives, she gives me a little kiss on the lips. Just the spice and the oil that was on my lips was enough to make her have to drink a whole glass of water. And she refused to kiss me or touch me for the rest of the day.
I had been seeing two girls for a while, like a couple of weeks long enough to make me feel like I was this very suave, debonair, gentleman, maybe with some Spanish blood. So I'm out to dinner with the girl that I liked more. And I told her, hey, I've been seeing someone else very casually. And I'm choosing you. Actually went over very James Bondi and very well.
Hands were touched. Winks were made. I was probably winking a bit more than I should have been.
And then she said, who was this girl? And so I told her what this other woman did and she seemed intrigued by that. And then she said, well, what's her name? And I said her name and she took a pause and heart sort of dropped. And I said, oh, maybe this is somebody that she doesn't like. Turned out she did like this person quite a bit because it was her cousin.
I'm not sure I've ever seen someone leave a restaurant that quickly and it was a crowded restaurant and she really like a like a running back touchdown. My night was terrible. |
dropout | voting_booth_talk_back | Oh, welcome back! Jeez, has it been four years already? Oh, um, hi.
I won't waste your time. Just give me a Crankerino, Snag and I voted sticker, and I'll see you in 2016, buddy. Excuse me. How do you know he's not going to pick me this time? He's a progressive 20-something living in a major metropolitan area. I'm basically his only choice.
Come on, buddy. Think about how much it'll piss off your parents. Hey, hey, hey, Buster Brown. Don't you just hate paying taxes? Uh, yeah, I guess so. Congratulations. You're a Republican.
I am? Hey, come on, have you forgotten 2008? Change?
You posted that picture of Obama wearing sunglasses on Tumblr. Tumblr!
Does that mean nothing? Yeah, don't mind us. Honestly, why do us third parties even bother coming out? Hey, no, I would totally vote for you guys. Don't fuck with us. Do you even know what our platform is? Yeah, you're into more, uh, less taxes or something, right? Yeah, nice try. Just go ahead and vote Democrat and turn this country into a socialist state. Oh, did somebody mention me? No.
I'm sorry, guys, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now. Oh, looky here, a lost lad who can't make up his bean. Yeah, I guess I am. Well, it's your lucky day, good sir.
What if I told you I could offer you the best of both worlds, the civil liberties of Mario B with the fiscal conservatism of the GOP? Just slow down. Did you know libertarianism is the number three party in the country? Not too shabby, eh? I'm RC Cola, I'm Linux, you've tried the best, now try legalized prostitution. Are you OK?
Nah, he needs to mellow out. Dude's tripping balls. It's like Armato says, no pills, no powders.
Is that marijuana I smell? Do I need to call the cops on you and your pot fiends?
Aw, crap. Sorry, could you, like, not litter? Oh, sorry, I, wait, are you the green party too? Oh goodness, no, American Nazi Party. Super great to meet you. Yeah, I'm still a thing. Oh my god. Now, would you kindly use those filthy, Jew-frickin-loving hands of yours to pick up your garbage? Thanks. Hey, Nazi Party, why don't you grow a pair of nugs, huh? Yes, yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
You know what, you've all given me a lot to think about. I'm going to go home and get informed before I cast my vote. So thank you, all of you. Honestly, really, thanks. Hi, hello, yeah.
The knob's in that voting machine talk, and it's freaking me the fuck out. Oh, goodness, did we miss another voter? Let's bust some trusts. Oh, god, who woke them up? Down with Jacksonianism. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_ep_5_an_orbit_of_madness | Hello, Silverton Elementary, hello, the future, you hear that teachers? The students are the future, I don't know if that jives with your union or whatever. Now cadets, I heard the bad news about how your space unit is being cut short this quarter and I can't even begin to tell you how bad of an idea I think that part ways. Nobody feels worse about that than me, but I don't want you to let this drag you through the mud because there's going to be a lot of setbacks in your life and you have to fight through them, particularly in public school where the bureaucracy is designed just to make the administration scramble to keep their jobs instead of, instead of, I don't know, focusing on maybe giving you kids a fighting chance on finding something that you're passionate about, it's just, it's a mess is what it is, it's a mess. We've had a bout of bad news up here as well, good and bad news.
The good news is that my mission to exit Earth's gravitational pull in the northwest corner of your sky was a raving success. The bad news is that Abram's mission to stay in the airlock and just be cool was a colossal failure. I don't know, I told them early on, I said, I don't think that he's ready for space, I don't think that he's got the chops, but oh, oh, he's excelled in every test we've ever given him. He is maybe the most ingenuity and resourceful cadet we've ever had. Well tell me this, mission control, if he's so great, then how come he won't come out of hiding when his ranking officer demands it?
Abram, not so hot now, are ya? Anyway, Abram's missing. He's here somewhere though, and it's not a big ship. I can show you how big it is if you just, hang on, okay, well just, just trust me when I say that Typhus is not a big ship, and there's not a lot of places around here to hide unless the ship, no, that's crazy, probably, he's in the ship somewhere, just reminding me what pure unadulterated loneliness feels like. Out here in the middle of nowhere with a body that's eating itself, that's life, that's all it is.
I got the picture you guys sent me, I love it. It was, it came to me via a, let's see, a soul on its way to heaven. It didn't die tragically, not a tragic death, this guy was ready, it was time, it was cancer, so it was a good, he got a lot of time to say goodbye to his family, I'm lying to you, I am so sorry, I get all of these through emails, I was just trying to make it magic. I have it here, it's nice, it's, I love it, good, generalized astronaut all by himself out there and a lot of really nice sol, solacisms. Also you called me a star, which, if you watched my last video you know is pretty much my nightmare, so thank you. Thank you. I have some things I need to finish. Thank you for the picture, I hope you had as much fun as I did, until we see each other next time, I am mission. Mission specialist, Marcus, I have to go.
Welcome to Temple Academy, the entire first year is safety, the second year is safety and maintenance. What is force class? Use the force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way, we look, we are, protect, protect, look, we are, protect, Jedi, good, yes. That, was nothing. Jedi code.
No! Not the... |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_astronaut_saturday_night_live | It's time to play the game. The stars play. secret words with your host, Lyle Round. Hello, hello there. hello, I'm Lyle Round.
Funny story, my wife asked me what I thought of her new pantsuit today and I said if I want to make love to a man, I'd join the Navy. Alright, why do we need our stars? better know for her work on the broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson. Thank you, thank you, What a thrill.
I have nowhere else to be. Oh, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, what's new with you? I'm on zero pills and I miss them.
Oh, good for you. our next guest just returned from outer Space. please welcome U.s. Astronaut Buster O'reilly. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Innovation, exploration, New Frontiers, Tang. I love Tang.
I wish I got more. the Orange Space Drink, that is. So Buster, what's space like? I sat perfectly still for 17 days while I pooped in a tube. you are a true hero. I hear you took a space walk. think we have a picture? you look scared. I was. there was a malfunction in my tube and everything was coming back at me. you are incredible. I could listen to your stories for hours. What does your wife think? she thinks I'm different since I came back from space, but I'm not.
Now, let's start the game. Mindy, are you ready to play?
Lyle, I'm going to answer your question, but my subtext as an actress will be shocked. Yes! it's all right, Super. the secret word is cramp. Remember, Mindy, don't say the secret word. No, I'm not going to, Lyle. in fact, I don't even need this anymore. Oh, okay. I can see the secret word now. All right, good. good. visualize it now. Say it. say cramp. Mindy, Mindy, you said the secret word. I did, and I regret it, just like I regret marrying Fancy Carl the modern Dancer. this is how he used to hang up his jacket.
All right. Okay. yeah. all right. sit down. sit down. thank you. I miss you, Carl. All right. very good.
Get back to Buster's team. Buster? Buster? sorry, sorry.
I was remembering something from space. I'm all right. let's go. I'm excited to play.
Hey, we're excited to watch you do it. the secret word is probe. um, ten seconds. this is something they do. Who? they tell you it's not personal. um, and to stand still. Who are you talking about? I think he's talking about the Nederlanders. they fired me after my audition. please, shut it. please. Sometimes they use a machine and sometimes they use their fingers. it's the Nederlanders, I tell you. Mindy. time's up, Buster.
Oh, no. he flubbed it. just like I did. All of my lines in the unnecessary revival of the play, the incoherence of Miss Tiffany. I ran in at the wrong time and said the wrong thing to the wrong actor. I said, Miss Tiffany, your husband got shot in the face by a slave.
And I was just supposed to say, good morning, y'all. All right. Okay.
Mindy, I'm afraid it's, uh, it's your turn. the secret word is Weiner. can we say this on television? Yes, Mindy. it's fine. if you say so, look at me. I'm going to give you a clue. John Gilgood has a door. Wait. a purple weiner. can I get another woman? I'm not a woman. I'm a star. Mindy. you told me. you told me. I could say it. the probes were similar to weiners. but with a network of weiners.
At the end, when they were done with me, they said that I had been fun. Bob Fosse said the same thing to me in the Smash Failure, Wigwam, Susie and the Corn Maze Crew. the story of a Native American girl who slipped her way up to a two-room teepee. Here's the Act One finale.
We'll be right back after a message from Wife Night Quo, when you needed your wife asleep yesterday. Thank you. thank you. Watch me move it! |
SaturdayNightLive | skydivers_snl | Now keep your hands cuffed. keep your hands, That's right. now when I count to three, sir, you pull the rip. you're an idiot, I don't have a power to do it. I believe you have a refund coming, Mr. Rosenblatt. I don't want to refund you, Rat Fink. No, I insist.
Here, take your money, it's $45, right? it was $50. Oh, that's right, $50.
Hey, you can see the polka-nose good from here. I don't care about the polka-nose. you killed me here, I'm a dead man. not necessarily, Mr. Rosenblatt. you know, I want to do a fellow who jumped out of a plane and hit the ground and lived. Really? about five minutes. Oh, this is gonna be horrible. How do you think I feel? I have to watch you. you little monster, I'll kill you. maybe you should concentrate on the last two or three feet. that's probably when you're gonna have most of the trouble. Hey, have you heard the new Juice Newton Lp? No, I haven't seen it either. what the hell are you talking about? what am I gonna do with it? You know, you're really obsessed with this and it's making me upset, All right? wait a second. I've got an idea, Mr. Rosenblatt. Do you have a big, inflatable cushion on you? you mean, I mean now? Yeah. no, I don't have an inflatable. then forget it, it won't work, you're a dead man. Oh, geez. look, tell you what I'll do, Mr. Rosenblatt. I'll let you share my parachute with me, all right? you all are the happiness and all on the other half will be all right. grab all the strap. hey, what are you doing?
I got it. what are you doing? I got it. hey, hey, hey. I got it, I got it. Well, it looks like that's it for me. you know it's really gonna bother me. not that I'm gonna die, but I'm gonna miss Kennedy. coming on this week, starring Martin Sheen and Blair Brown as Jackie O. tomorrow night, 8 o'clock Eastern and 7 o'clock Central. right here on Nbc. Yeah. yeah. |
TheOnion | Ted_Cruz_Announces_Plans_To_Once_Again_Like_Porn_On_9_11 | Ted Cruz has announced plans to once again like porn on 9-11. In an effort to plan ahead for the coming year, the Republican Senator from Texas has stated that on September 11th, he intends to scroll through Twitter in search of pornography before tapping the like button from his main account, just like he did back in 2017. According to Cruz, giving a like to busty, blonde sluts on America's Day of Remembrance is his way of honoring the victims of this national tragedy. Senator Cruz went on to specify that he would deny liking the pornography and blame it on a junior staffer, claiming that he had never once typed big naturals, anal, or even step-mom facial into the search bar. Way to plan ahead, Senator Cruz.
Men struggling with ED, you're in luck, because HIMS has just unveiled their new dunce cap for men who can't get hard. After just a brief teleconference with HIMS doctors, you can have one of the company's dunce caps for limped dick men sent right to your door. And once a licensed professional determines that the reason you can't get it up is because you're some fat, ugly loser, they'll then gather other nearby doctors to laugh at your failure as a man. And HIMS has even started offering other free treatments for erectile dysfunction, including a clown nose, a slide whistle, and a large chalkboard where men can write I can't get hard over and over again.
Parents, what is an evil thought you have had about your children? I am going to frame my child for murder so I can finally get some sleep. Sometime it just feels like planting their DNA in an ongoing murder investigation and having them arrested is the only way for me to get some peace and quiet.
I often wonder what would happen if I shook the thing upside down to see how many coins fall out. I know it's wrong but it can be tempting. I'm not proud to admit it, but sometimes when I'm sitting alone and thinking about my child, I wish that he would get traded to the Buffalo Bills.
This baby sucks so much. There is absolutely no way Satan will ever inhabit him. Not worried about him being taken as a vessel by the Lord of Darkness at all, because this kid blows.
Sometimes when I'm really feeling lazy I think maybe baby formula is okay every now and then. Oh God, I'm such a terrible mother. One day, I am going to buy a basketball hoop, lower it to seven feet, and dunk on this baby bitch. I could probably claim postpartum depression and get away with a relatively short sentence. Jackpot. |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_for_your_consideration | And Live for the O.b.
State of the art! Let's A-go. it's Saturday Night Live!
I am the problem. the whole country's far apart! that's crazy. I'm here, too.
Is it bad? Oh, yes, please. Oh, my God. get it out! Oh, God. great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies. we have two minutes to post. quickly, post, post! Four, Four, Four, Four, and Four!
No! well, I'm. did you get that call? I don't know.
I am a male! So, hello. that's just about to get me involved! Let him laugh.
Oh, my God. are you ready? here. recalculating jump. Did we miss the goddamn exit again? sorry, I'm not focusing on the nap! blooper reel. yeah. spin me, bitch. Well, like, why don't you let me know what you're doing? hang low, bitch.
No, that's not right.
Welcome aboard. I told them not to laugh at your favorite foods. that's the neatest thing you've ever done.
I was truly like, am I not, Mike? And then I was just like, oh, I just suck. I'm telling you, Michael J. Holy shit! you did not prepare me for that!
Nice try, bitch. Hi. one line, and I did it bad.
Any question? I don't know!
I shouldn't be doing this!
Hit it! Oh, my God! Superstar! do you feel that, Colin? oh, that's really good! Oh, my God, Jesus! There we go. Boom!
You don't let me dress like Joe? weird choice with the fingers.
I'm not gonna miss a thing! like, no, honey. when he's done, you're done. exactly. Now watch from the corner. woo-hoo-hoo! I said goddamn! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mission_Impossible_Fallout | You have something I want right now that makes me the only person you can trust to get you out of here alive. I think I'd like to go home now.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be discussing Mission Impossible Fallout, the pulse-pounding sixth installment of the iconic espionage franchise, and a film so packed with thrilling action sequences that it caused my adrenaline levels to spike, leading me to sprint out of my local mall's theater, leap from the second-story balcony, and attempt to land on an Auntie Anne's on the level below. Unfortunately I missed, and upon hitting the ground shattered every bone in both my arms and legs. Mission Impossible Fallout continues the story of Ethan Hunt, a member of the titular Impossible Missions Force, as he takes on his next assignment to save the world from an impending nuclear war. It's an electrifying narrative that kicked my adrenal glands into such a high gear that before I knew what I was doing, I had run out of the screening, punched a mall security guard, and in front of hundreds of screaming shoppers, shimmied onto a 30-foot ledge to launch myself towards the ground. Directed by Christopher McQuarrie, the film's heart-racing action set pieces boast some of the most stunning choreography in modern movie-making. This incredible display of parkour, for example, is unfortunately exactly what I thought I would look like. Except, instead of a professional film crew capturing the moment in high definition, my actions were captured on the mall's security camera. And instead of deftly landing on the ground floor and then rushing to my next destination, I crashed into a phone kiosk, a fact which local news and social media will not let me live down. Despite being the sixth installment in a long-running franchise, the film, much to its credit, still manages to escalate its death-defying stunts over previous installments. In fact, even after falling and having a broken phone case puncture my lung, I was still so exhilarated by my moviegoing experience that I managed to headbutt a paramedic right in the mouth, drag myself to his ambulance, and ultimately drive it into a lake. Indeed, while my doctor, lawyer, and psychiatrist may caution audiences against seeing Mission Impossible fall out, I can honestly say that I would gladly do it all over again. Feeling that rush of sheer adrenaline coursing through my veins was the last time in my life that I remember feeling truly alive. And mark my words, I'll be the first in line to buy a ticket for the next Mission Impossible if I ever regain movement in my legs. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | Anime_Theme_or_US_Politician_Um_Actually | That means our score is one, one, two, as we move into our first shiny question of the game. Shiny questions, of course, like shiny Pokemon with the same number of points, just a little bit different, a little bit rarer.
This is a game that we're calling This or That, specifically anime theme or American politician. I have here a series of quotes. Some of these are lyrics to anime theme songs. Others are things said by American politicians.
We wanna see if you can figure out which one is which. Here is your first one. I have a big gun, I took it from my Lord.
Anime or politician? All right, everyone has stopped writing, so let's take a look at what we've got here. Brennan says politician, Adam says anime, Gabriel says politician. That is anime. Adam will get that point. That is the lyrics from Red Fraction from Black Lagoon. Let's take a listen to our next one. We are fighting dreamers. Is this anime or politician? And what is it describing? Everyone says politician. This is in fact from Naruto.
No one will get that point. Thank God, actually, because if a politician is confidently saying we're gonna fight dreamers. I was like, that's Sarah Palin, that's Sarah Palin. Here is our next one. May God help those poor souls who would be so cruel. Hear me, barbaric. Turn around.
Brennan says politician, Adam says politician. Gabriel says anime. This is Senator Robert Byrd speaking out against dog fighting. That will go to Brennan and Adam.
Why did he yell, hear me? I don't know. That's the only weird part. It maybe sounds a little lyrical or like a poor translation, but no, that is, you can see video of him on the Senate floor screaming this. Here's our next one.
The world is on fire. Yes, your world is on fire.
I haven't gotten one right. And the game is working perfectly. I mean, they are the two, like two huge gaps in my knowledge is politics and anime. Let's go ahead and flip these around. What is this?
Brennan says anime. Adam says politician. Gabriel says anime.
This is in fact Ted Cruz shouting at a little girl on the campaign trail from a couple of years ago. That will go to Adam. You've never done something sad or on this show. Wait, can you repeat the phrase so I could picture that fucking goblin saying it to a child?
The world is on fire. Yes, your world is on fire.
Here's the next one. I have brought tremendous experience and have tremendous tentacles. Come on, man. Come on.
This is like, is it a fake out or is it a double fake out? I don't know. Like this is what we're, this is what we're playing. Is it from Ursula's campaign ad? All right. Let's see the answer.
Brennan and Adam are thinking fake out, politician. I think a reverse fake out. Your reverse fake out, it's anime.
This is in fact Karen Handel running for the Georgia Senate a couple of years ago. So that will go to both Brennan and Adam.
You know, I just feel, I mean, in my head, I think in anime, they would have the decency not to mention their tremendous tentacles. They would be ashamed of the tremendous tentacles. Hey, let the tentacles speak for themselves. Don't, if you're a weird monster, don't draw attention to it.
That's thirsty. It's needy. Yeah.
It's where this woman accidentally reveals that she's an alien pretending to be a human. And I have tremendous tentacles. People are like, ah, she's like. Like scurries away underneath the Senate floor. You're like, whoa.
To be a little bit fair, there is a little bit more to this quote, but it is the end of the phrase. I think it's something like I have tremendous experience and have tremendous tentacles and commitment to this community or something like that. It doesn't explain the tentacles anymore by cutting out that section of the quote. The number one proof that it's just the beginning and end, people remember, and they'll drop the middle. I bring experience, tentacles, and resolve. And you're like, experience and resolve?
Look, she's senator-elect. What do you intend to do with your tentacles? She's just saying she's connected, you know? She's in with the mob. She's got, you know, she knows people, okay? Isn't that what you want in a politician?
It's so funny though, because people do use tentacles in a political sense, but it's only with a negative connotation. Like you're saying something like, oh, they've got their tentacles everywhere. It's like, that's never a good thing. I got my tentacles, all right?
This guy's bragging. Here is our next one. If you want to achieve, you gotta believe. The time right now. There's the door. Here's the keys. Okay, I'm hitting it from like the, just keep putting C in the scantron, and one of these will be right. 50-50, you gotta, you gotta. I have not gotten one right. Okay, politician, politician, anime. This one's gonna go to Gabrus. That is Danganronpa, is the anime. I thought that was gonna be Hillary Clinton 2016. It has the vibe of that. Like, it's like, hey, listen, believe in yourself. You gotta do this. That one will go to Gabrus. We got one more here.
Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line.
All right. Adam says politician. Brennan says Lord of the Rings. And Gabrus says anime.
I'm in final jeopardy when it's like, hi, Susan. I have no idea. I just want to say hi to my daughter. $2,800, okay. Now, here's the thing.
Brennan, you were correct in sort of predicting that there would be something a little twisty at the end. Unfortunately, you've gone in a wrong direction because the most correct answer I was looking for this one is both. This is originally from the Pokemon theme song, but Herman Cain did quote it on the campaign trail, ascribing it to a poet. So Adam and Gabrus will both get this one. I picked the only way to not get a point. The only way to not get a point. This was my Harry Houdini, watch me not get this correct. Both categories would have been successful. So looking at our final answers here, five from Adam, two from Brennan, two for Gabrus. So Adam, you will take that point for anime or American politician.
They do say it in Lord of the Rings. They do say that? Yeah, they do say that entire time. Gothmog shows up and he says, hey, now that you've defeated this other balrog, you gotta know, it's never easy. Okay. |
CrackerMilk | blackmailed_by_the_bouncer_crackermilk_podcast_episode_11 | Can you guys- okay, so let's all just act like I'm gonna say a line You guys are just gonna- I'm gonna say the line then just laugh really loud. Mm-hmm. Okay ready for this. Mm-hmm Yeah, and then I SMACKED HER! Mm-hmm Mm-hmm I did- I did what you told me, but you- you told me to- GET OUT, CUNT!
Hello? Someone's at the door! Come in! Hey, dude, the door's over here.
What's going on? Nah, it's me, Chopper Reed. Oh, hey Chopper Reed, how you going? Yeah, I'm alright. What's been happening? How you been?
I fuckin' king hit a bloke earlier. Sorry? Can you believe they're trying to call that Coward Punch now? What's that? Fuckin' pussies. King hitting? Yeah, king hitting! They're trying to call that Coward Punch.
Do you do it a lot? What's your favorite food Chopper Reed? Fuckin' I love a big bit of Shepherd's Pie. Sometimes I use that to king hit people. The Shepherd's Pie?
Yeah. Have you killed people with a king hit from a Shepherd's Pie? Yeah. You guys hear that music? Yeah. It's coming from next door.
Oh my god, it's that new jazz club that's opened up! Fuck yeah, I love jazz club. Oh, it's the jazz club!
Oh, let's go in! Oh, no! Look at the size of that line! The line's massive! Crazy!
Yeah, g'day, how's it going, mate? Hey, you're the bouncer, right? I'll tell you what's gonna happen today.
Mm-hmm. I'll let you both into this bar. Mm-hmm. On one condition. Mm-hmm.
The girly one sucks me off. Well, it's me, Chopper Reed, here again. I'm still here. There's, just around the side of this bar, there's a nice dark alley you boys can explore that between yourselves. Yeah. Inside.
Do you give me a dollar scratchy? I'll let you in. Those are your two options. The dollar scratchy or the hippie sucks me off.
A worker that is definitely not Indian. Don't do a fucking Indian accent, you dumb racist cunt.
Hello, how's it going? Yeah, nice.
Can you give us a... Can I get a scratchy? Just a $2 scratchy.
No worries, my name is Abdul. I'm from India.
And you can get a $2 scratchy if you want. Hey, hey, hey, we want a $1 scratchy. Oh, what's that? Well, you can have a $1 scratchy. Would you like a Mentos for $2 extra? I'll fucking king hit you. Give us a $1 scratchy. Tell you what, I can give you that $1 scratchy, but do you also want to add on a chomp for a dollar?
Nah, fuck that, man. Boom! I king hit him, he's fucking dead. Quick, take some scratchies! No, we can't.
The cops are coming. I'm a cop, my name is Abdul, I'm from India.
Hey. Did this guy just king hit the fucking quirk? What did you do, mate? I didn't do shit, man. What the fuck, bro?
We're working together here to get inside that bar. I've already got my scratchies. Excuse me, boys, let me show you something. I've got mud on my hands. Do you know why? Because I'm a dirty cop. And I'm willing to let you guys get away with it. What's the price? The hippie sucks me off. Can I have a second to think about this?
Absolutely. Absolutely tits.
Lice, come down with me into the Maltesers aisle. Okay. Alright, now we're in the safety of the Maltesers aisle, what do you reckon? I think I should suck him off and then keep this scratchy for the bouncer. I think that's our best option. Lice, it sounds to me like you just want to suck him off. I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, if that's what you want to do? It's just a boy in blue. Alright, but that's going to take a little while and we don't have a lot of time because that bar is going to close soon. So I reckon what we need to do is we need to grab a bunch of Maltesers and scatter them on the floor around his feet and then you start sucking him off and he trips over and fucking dies. And then we make it out with the scratchy.
Alright? It's me Abdul, I'm a cop from India. How you going Abdul? Yeah, no worries.
Are you ready to suck me off yet? Yeah, he's ready to do it man. Totally ready to suck you off. Hey man, you want some Maltesers while he's sucking you off? Go ahead, suck me off. Open your mouth while you do it while he does it and I'll throw him in alright? Get down there and suck me off. Alright, I've got to see those lips touch his dick man.
No, you've got to do the Maltesers first. I've got to see those lips touch his dick. No, it's for the bit dude. You're going to suck me off for the bit. Maltesers first dude. Alright, here they go. I've got all my attention on you. No one's sucking me off. Oh no, well I'm just going to throw this handful in your mouth really soon. Just as soon as that dick's getting sucked. Yeah, I can't wait for my dick to get sucked off. This wasn't the plan, you said you'd do the Maltesers.
Suck his fucking dick man, I'm Chopper Reed. I'm King Hit, you cunt. Yes, Chopper. Woah! He's tripped over. Fuck yeah, you chopped his foreskin off. That's brutal cunt.
Save that for later. I'm going to scratch this scratchy off. Oh fuck, I won three dollars. It's a winner. Oh g'day guys, I'm looking for me scratchy that you owe me. Yeah, well bouncer mate, we about that. Actually, I have a name and it's Abdul. Sorry, Abdul from India. I may have a scratchy for you. Yeah, I'll ask, I'll ask. We could get three scratchies with that one scratchy you got because it won three dollars, that's three one dollars scratchy.
That's what I'm saying, I don't want to fucking give up the scratchy, so I think I'm going to have to suck him off. So we can get him to this fucking club. Did someone say suck me off? No, no, no man, he said suckin' off, which is where we come from, the Russian place. Can I get into the club if I suck you off? I tell you what, you suck me off and you'll get into the club, but your friend can't get in. Well, that's just an ethical dilemma and a half, isn't it? So you suck me off and you get in, but if you suck me off, he doesn't get in. And if you don't suck me off, he gets in, but I don't get sucked off.
So do you see where the ethics, the problem lies, ethically? Yeah, I see the issue.
There's a really reasonable choice there, I think you should take it. I think you should take the really reasonable choice, the really most logical one.
Take me off, give you the scratchy. Fuck it, yeah, let's do that. No worries, take that scratchy. Cheers. Alright, well, I'm gettin' in. Here's the $1 scratchy man. Oh, thanks mate. Whoa, you stupid fuck, I could get three scratchies with $3.
Oh for fucks. You dumb fuck. Sorry. And that's the lesson of today's podcast.
Gambling is an addiction. That bouncer had a real problem. Did you see what he did the moment he won money? He wanted to buy more. Gambling is a problem.
Can we go into the club? Yeah, absolutely, you can go into the club. Now we're in the club, look at all these dancers on the poles. It's some of our patrons. Oh, look at all these sexy patrons in the club.
Look who it is. And look at that one.
I wanna suck their dicks. I wanna suck them off.
This is the first podcast we've filmed in five weeks. Ah, I love it. We don't know what the fuck we're doing anymore.
This is how I sit. Yeah, I don't think you are in frame. This is how I sit. Connor's balls are just flopping out. This is how I sit. I didn't even know he had that many. This is how I sit. Oh no, he's showing the audience. This is how I sit.
What's tighter, you p**** or you fucking Let's find out, you p**** little fucking Jesus Christ. Um, yeah, well, bouncer mate. We, uh, we bout that.
Actually, I have a name and it's Abdul. Sorry, Abdul from India.
I have a scratchy for you. We could get three scratchies with that one scratchy you got because it won three dollars. That's three one dollar scratchies.
That's what I'm saying. I don't wanna fucking give up the scratchy, so I think I'm gonna have to suck him off. So we can get him to this fucking Did someone say suck me off? No, no, no, man. He said suckin' off which is where we come from, the Russian place.
Can I get into the club if I suck you off? I tell you what, you suck me off and you'll get into the club, but your friend can't get in. Well, that's just an ethical dilemma and a half, isn't it? So you suck me off and you get in but if you suck me off, he doesn't get in. And if you don't suck me off, he gets in, but I don't get sucked off.
So do you see where the ethics, the problem lies, ethically? Yeah, I see the issue.
The lies, there's a really reasonable choice there. I think you should take it. I think you should take the really reasonable choice. The really most logical one.
Suck him off, give you the scratchy. fucking it, yeah.
Let's do that. No worries. Cheers. Alright, well, I'm gettin' in.
And that's the lesson of today's podcast. Gambling is an addiction. That bouncer had a real problem. Did you see what he did the moment he won money? He wanted to buy more. Gambling is a problem. Stay away from shop, Reid. Hill King hit you.
Can we go into the club? Yeah, absolutely. You can go into the club. Oh look, now we're in the club.
Look at all these dancers on the poles. It's some of our patrons. Oh, look at all these sexy patrons in the club.
Look who it is. And look at that one.
I wanna suck their dicks. I wanna suck them off.
This is the first podcast we've filmed in five weeks. Ah, I'd love it. We don't know what the fuck we're doing anymore.
That's not your normal position, come on. This is how I sit. Yeah, I don't think you are in frame. This is how I sit. Connor's balls are just flopping out. This is how I sit. I didn't even know you had that many. This is how I sit. Oh no, he's showing the audience. |
dropout | when_not_to_correct_people_s_grammar | Hey, I heard what happened. It'll be okay? I can't believe he's gone. This doesn't seem real. Can't imagine what you must be going through right now. It's not just that he's dead.
He hung himself with an electrical cord. Hanged. What? The past tense of hang is hanged for people. People are hanged, clothes are hung. Unless you mean he was hung like a horse, like he had a big penis.
But I don't think that's what you meant. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. I am so sorry. I just really hate grammar mistakes, and I guess it just came out. I'm really sorry. I'm going through some serious shit here.
I know. I'm listening.
I took his body down, and I was screaming at him to wake up, but he was just laying there, and it just felt like it was my fault. No. He was lying there. Lay is a transitive verb. Seriously? Yes. It takes a direct object. You're seriously doing this? Yeah. Sorry. It was just echoing around in my head. It was like laying there, laying there. It was like, that's wrong. But I said it, and now it's cleared up so we can keep talking about it. Fine. My brother was lying on the ground after he killed himself, and I had to stay there with his body for three tortuous hours wondering if there was something I said that caused him to kill himself, huh? Is that what you want to hear? Is that okay with you? No.
You mean torturous hours. Tortuous means full of twists and turns. Torturous means was like torture to you.
That's what I think you mean. You're an asshole. Apostrophe R-E. An asshole. How can you even tell that? They sound exactly the same. Something about the way you said it. It sounded like Y-O-U-R. You are an asshole.
Yes, I am. I am so sorry. I can't help myself. You can't help yourself.
Anytime anyone says anything grammatically incorrect, you have to correct them. Correct him or her, because anyone is singular.
You know, I could care less. Couldn't care less.
My brother is dead. My brother.
The most kind, most intelligent, most unique man I've ever met. You can't be most unique.
And you're talking about these arbitrary grammar rules. I am completely disinterested in grammar right now. Uninterested in grammar.
And if you think you can stand there and ignore the reality that a person is dead, you have another thing coming. Another thing coming.
I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. It's just you're acting like an elitist asshole. Yes, I know. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, and I guess correcting other people's grammar just makes me feel better. It's bad, and I should stop, and I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was about that time. I guess we're both kind of hurting. Together, you and me will get through this. You and I? Fuck you. |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_sex_talk | I would rather spend one lifetime with you and face all the ages of this world alone. I love you too, babe. Hey, I'll see you tonight, okay? Crap. I think you're gonna like what I have planned for you.
Ooh, very confident. Well, I do have 2,000 years of experience, so... What? I'm 2,700 years old. I mean, I'm not a slut. I waited until I was 700.
Mmm. How many, um... I mean, like... How many guys have you been with? I don't know. A couple a year. 4,000? Elluin, 4,000 guys?
I've had sex with three people! Jenna Del Vecchio, Steve Casarelli's sister, and you!
Is that normal for a human? Less than average, thanks. It's not my fault, okay?
I'm immortal. After a thousand years, you've pretty much fucked everyone. Jesus, so you've just fucked all of your friends.
Yeah. Fenwin. Yeah. Gallador. Mm-hmm. Ashwin. Several times, yeah.
He looks like a girl! They all look like girls!
I can't do this. Now all I can think about is you getting railed for hours on end by some elf dude. Days. Railed for days.
We experience time differently. 15 minutes is very good, though. Yeah, I've been cranking it before we do it so I don't pre- If it makes you feel any better, you're my first human. Really? Mm-hmm. I mean, I've been with a couple half-elves, which are basically just stronger, better-looking human beings. Okay! Things are different, okay?
There's no more late nights at the tavern going home with the first orc who buys me a meat pie. Orcs! Elluin! Orcs!
Everyone has a bad boy phase in their 1200s. You're literally born of evil! You had evil in your hoo-ha! You're actually very selfless lovers.
Sorry. I have spent many of your lifetimes searching for a worthy companion. But my quest is over, Brian. My journey ends with you. I mean, at least you've never fucked a hobbit, I guess.
Come on! Would you fuck up between first and second breakfast? Yeah. Oh, don't touch me! You forgot to take out those. Exactly! I get my period every ten years. I need to remember. Two lines means I'm pregnant.
Vin Diesel. He sounds most fearsome. I don't think they like you. |
cracked | why_the_future_of_space_travel_is_going_to_suck | Have you ever dreamed of going to space? If so, those dreams probably revolved around NASA's glory days, when they successfully put a man on the moon a few times and then as close to the moon as the killer rocks that doomed the Apollo 18 mission would allow several more times after that.
Right now, the best NASA can do is drop a remote-controlled rover on Mars so it can Instagram back black and white headshots of itself like the annoying tween at a concert. If you actually want to go to Mars, though, you'll have to wait until the year 2023 when a company aptly named Mars One starts shipping common folk like me and you to a planned outpost that is hopefully not the terrifying series of adult-sized ovens that it appears to be in this picture from their website. They're hoping to have the plush accommodations you see there completed before the first willing participants arrive. And they've hatched a plan to do it using nothing but technology that already exists today. Translation? Take a look around you. The room you're in right now is probably a lot like what space is going to look like. When you get there in 2023, the inside of your Mars house will basically be a thrift store electronic section. You're going to a planet that looks like Earth without the vegetation and strip malls so you can sit in a one-room pod decked out with a bunch of s*** that nobody wants to be around. This is the meth trailer in the New Mexico desert of space travel. If for some reason you still want to give life on Mars a chance, the Mars One website includes all the information you need to apply, including a helpful list of typical astronaut characteristics, like having persistent thought processes, remaining productive, seeing the connection between your internal and external self, and never questioning those who lead you. Holy s***. If joining a burgeoning space cult isn't your thing, there's another option that promises all the boring of Mars One without the decade-long wait or possible labor camp enslavement. It's called Space Complex Alpha, and it's the brainchild of Robert Bigelow, the founder of the Budget Suites Hotel chain, because who else are you going to trust to safely house you in space? Oh, and if you're thinking, hey, those space stations look inflatable, relax, they totally are.
They're made from a material called Vectran, which is twice as strong as Kevlar and ideally like four times as strong as whatever material normal people make space hotels with. Like the Russians, for example. They're working on a hotel nearly identical to Bigelow's, except it's presumably made of metal, and that's the only selling point, actually. Looks like it could be metal. Oh, and they promised there might be cable and internet access.
Choose wisely, as if that's even possible. Hey there, thank you for supporting Cracked. If you'd like to subscribe, you can do that at any time. I know that you're a big fan of Stormerotica, which I've done before, and unfortunately I'm out, but I thought maybe I could just come up with some on the fly.
Parker took off his pants, and the girl that was with him was like, yeah, that's a dick. And he was like, I know. And then they were going to have sex, and he was like, but I'm also, I'm a horse. No, he's not a horse. That's bad. He's a human. But he's like a human that can like, he has like wolf-like powers, like the kid from Abandoned, abducted. |
ClickHole | bridging_the_divide_christian_and_muslim_show_each_other_their_most_private_shark_drawings | Jason? Yes. Bassem.
Nice to meet you. You too.
So, you're Muslim? I am. You're Christian? Yeah.
This is one of my most private shark drawings. I drew it inside of a large cardboard box so no one could see it. This shark drawing has had a big effect on my life and it took a long time to draw. That's very interesting. I've never shown this shark drawing to anyone. I kept my eyes closed while I drew it so no one could see it, not even me. It is very private.
Incredible. For me, this shark drawing is very important because of how it shows what it would look like if a shark had clothes on. Wow, it really does.
This shark drawing I keep in a safe so no one could see it, not even my wife or my home security cameras. I like how the shark in this shark drawing has a vagina.
That is his fin. Okay.
So, does your Islamic faith influence your shark drawings?
No.
This shark drawing was influenced by the fruit snack, shark bites. It really does look like a shark bite.
Something that no one knows about me, I keep a secret apartment that my family doesn't know about and I go there to do my shark drawings in private.
That sounds nice. It is.
I wasn't planning on showing you this shark drawing today. I only brought it because it got stuck to the other drawings, but now I want to share it with you.
I like that this shark has two eye patches. Do you think a shark could fire a machine gun?
Oh, of course.
Then I have a fourth and final shark drawing for you. Thank you for showing this to me. It's really meaningful for me to see this shark drawing and know about it now and forever. Nice meeting you, Jason. Talking to you and seeing your shark drawings has given me a whole new perspective.
You too. Thank you for sharing your sharks. You too. |
dropout | hardly_working_witch_hunt | All right, if my name weren't Amir, what would it be? Alan! I told you! I believed you. All right, who comes? Oh! It was not me this time, it wasn't me. I don't think I have to tell you guys, if you're gonna come, go outside. Come on, fess up, who was it? I would admit it if it was me, okay?
Dan. Come on, it's not my brand. That's right, Dan kind of smells like sawdust.
Thank you. Yeah, it's true. Look at Streeter, this guy totally just come. You guys would know if it was me. Sure, he makes that face. I make the face. He does it. Yeah, I did it!
This is gummy egg, man. Oh my god, it smells like rotten bleach. No? Yeah, it's like I can taste the cum in my mouth. I mean, I cummed when I first came in here, but that one is dissipated, my god. All of you guys are fucking disgusting, okay? Oh, Jake, you're acting pretty riled up for a guy who didn't just cum.
Yeah, dude, that's something you want to say? No. Hey, where you going?
Oh! Whoa! What the hell, Dan? What the hell?
It's just pee. I told you guys I didn't cum. Sorry, let's let come. We're sorry. Well, if Jake didn't cum, who did?
Well, it's like I can still taste it in my mouth. The cum. Okay, seriously, nobody's going to own up to this cum!
It was first time in my mouth! I can taste it in my mouth! You were the first time in my mouth! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_139_Hayley_Mary_from_The_Jezabels | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batooda Budgie Smuggler studios in the old city district. Today we are joined by one of our favourite musical exports I guess you could call them from South Queensland. I guess we can claim her Byron is culturally Queensland well in the eyes of the law now I guess that for all intensive purposes Byron Bay in that area is part of Queensland it is full of people from Melbourne though which is actually technically where I live okay so I think we can claim me yes you can claim me you're a Byron product and you went the other way yeah you went the other way you went to you went to Melbourne Hayley Mary thank you for joining us thank you for having me we've got a lot to talk about here but obviously you have a storied career in Australian music would you say an alt rock troubadour with a little bit of country in there the tragedy is I've been trying to write pop music but I just I'm not good enough at it so yeah I'm an alt rock troubadour. Troubadour is such a cringe word.
I don't know what it means really. I suppose I should know. It's short for alternative. I know yeah. Oh is it?
Troubadour. Oh troubadour it's not right yeah it's like a it's like a minstrel a more modern-day minstrel like I kind of put my guitar on my back and I go travel in a train. Troubadour was a composer and performer of old octian lyric poetry during the high middle ages there you go so literally like a minstrel but yeah don't know why they had two words and that's what you are I am and you've now just started the solo thing yes so that makes me actually a troubadour. Troubadour now.
Because before I was in a band which made me like a carney I suppose in the old. A showy. Yeah they're called carneys overseas but here they prefer the term showy. The politically correct term. I'm more referring to my medieval counterpart but yeah showy.
So 10 years with the Jezebels? Yeah well I mean if you continue it's still going because we technically haven't called it quits yeah we started in 2000 we put something out in 2007 so a bit longer. All right. That was our first EP oh we formed then sorry we formed the Sydney uni band comp and then yeah put something out in 2009 sorry so yeah it's just 13 ish. So you grew up as a tropical goth in Byron and then made your way did you move to Sydney with plans to be in a band or you went to uni? Yeah. It's an interesting question Heather and I both actually Sam as well from the Jezebels all grew up in Byron and yes I was certainly the only goth on the beach in that I knew I needed to depart.
I hate the sand. Well everyone hates the sand but I hated the sun and the water and the people and the swimmers and everything so there was I had to get out to a city.
The sandalwood. Oh the patchouli. Heard about this place you know it was called the CBD. Called the town hall steps it was you know nirvana for the tropical goth.
I've heard of the cure I've heard of Kate Bush and the closest I could get to them was Sydney which is very far away from them so yeah it was it was Heather and I were already playing a little bit of music but she'd moved go to the con so I guess that was why it was my logical step so sort of because of a band but also because I just wanted to get into uni and the quad looked the most like Hogwarts. You want to go to sandstone? That's why I picked Sydney uni literally just because of the goth thing. Well you must have been pretty bright what were you studying? I wasn't that bright I was studying law in Byron or in which is smart because I'd been arrested as a kid and I was like I'm gonna get a law degree and fight these people but then I decided I hated it absolutely hated it and so I went to an arts degree in Sydney and really enjoyed it. Can you tell us about Byron we want to talk about Byron because obviously as it stands right now Byron's identity changes every day right now it's full of rugby league players have gone there after the NRL wrapped up that's now their Mecca which is great because it's really humbling everyone who thought they'd made it their own they're now being surrounded by some of the loosest tattooed men in Australia and now ruining this kind of linen vibe they have going there but you were there well before the linen. I think now you've like per square meter it's the most expensive postcode in Australia. I think it's probably been that for a while but yeah I guess when I arrived there because I'm a blow-in too technically I wasn't born there so if you weren't born there you're a blow-in but if you weren't you know arguably everyone here except but you were there before Xavier Rudd. I was there before Xavier and a few other people but I was there in the early 90s and it was you know that kind of we went there because we were on the south coast it was a bit too straight for my parents so we got there and there was you know the drum circles and the hippies and they could actually afford to be there at that time and yeah there was a few wealthy people who had been clever enough to they were generally hippies who'd been clever enough to buy real estate there in the 80s or 70s or whenever it was and there's always been an attitude that the way it is now is how it should stop and anyone else coming in is fucking with it yeah because I was clever enough to get in first you know that's I've never really particularly loved that anti-change anti-tourist anti-outsider mentality yeah it used to be very hippie and before they shut the train lines basically because I think they say the theory is the Rex Hunt thing got the train lines shut down right yeah when all the straightedge kids with my generation was the straightedge hardcore kids so everyone was kind of so like your Parkway drive yeah yeah their mates are mine everyone in Byron knows Parkway Drive run from Byron but so why was can you explain why because look for the outside looking in at Byron they think John Butler Trio, Xavier Rudd who are obviously the pinnacle of musical blowings who actually were established musicians before they moved there and took their sound to Byron they were harking back to the 70s which is what Byron's golden age is meant to sort of represent is that hippie ideal so I think that's why they're drawn to it I also think the indigenous say that Byron is like a resting meeting place I don't want to misquote them but I just heard this when I was like 10 so I could have I could be misquoting but that's what I remember hearing when I was a kid and basically you're not really meant to like live there you're meant to pass through it's a great meeting place and so travelers get there and they spend two weeks there or whatever and they go like wow this could be my life I'm gonna move here and the thing is about paradise is like it's like where do you go from there so there's a lot of a lot of families kind of often move there and end up breaking up because they're a bit broken or they're a bit lost and they're seeking something so I think I think it attracts a lot of lost souls yeah and I think a lot of people who are drawn to the hippie culture or the faux hippie culture are perhaps also lost souls but that might be oh they just need to buy a pair of sandshoes and get a 9-5 yeah it's a bit faddish you know so what I found was that not many locals or true blue locals or any of the kids I grew up with are actually like that at all yeah and they were hard core generally boggins or hardcore or whatever the youth of a beach town might be do you reckon that was a bit of rejecting their parents hippiness 100% yeah well yeah the straight edge was what no sex no drugs some rock and roll yeah no drinking no yeah well straight edge was about not being like promiscuous and and not being destructive in drug habits and all that stuff well in its pure form and obviously people have their own little brands of it where they break whatever rules but action it was a reaction I reckon that appealed really strongly to a lot of kids of of hippie parents who maybe had broken homes and strange strange upbringings yeah we had names you know there was a little bit of um you got lucky with highly well see I wasn't born there like I was wanting to tombos similar place yeah you could have been a quiller you could have been something like that a lot of them have got real pretty made up names and you know I was always jealous as a kid I kind of felt like Harry Potter yeah yeah in the tersley's house but um I've got this common name you know yeah I think what was the question yeah it used to be quite it was yeah it was just kind of a surfy town a lot more like puberty blues or something but then there was always the hippies coming in and there was like this this area of existence that we just didn't really take part in which is what people think of as Byron which is like the cafe and like Byron people couldn't afford being at the cafe or yeah and they don't go to the pubs and they don't really do any of the stuff that you associate with Byron it wasn't until people like Parkway and offends and that kind of generation started like making brands that became and the internet made it more possible for people to be in Byron and have an existence outside of tourism that people start getting like the identity starts growing and the hippie and we say hippie but there was also the term back then was ferrules ferrules yeah well yes exactly hippie is a much cleaner aesthetic really the ferrules would come in from casino and like the bush really yeah and that was the train line through through Bangalore so I can see how destroying that train line has cleaned the town up a little bit certainly has yeah but they weren't doing it to get rid of that I mean I think the economy was getting rid of them slowly anyway because affordability but they were doing it to get rid of the footballers from Lismore that would come in to bash Byron yeah can you swear on here yeah to bash the Byron counts yeah the Byron counts bashed out Rex Hunt or something and it started yeah arguably deserved it though arguably but it was culminating towards that before when we were growing up before hardcore there was these two cultures called the skegs and the homies yeah because this is like 90s and post 90s and so you had your people listen to hip-hop globalism yeah yeah and your people had to listen to hip-hop and the people who listened to like blink yeah and they were the surfers or the skaters or whatever and they were there were a lot of massively violent riots because we all binge drank yeah and we all did whatever and there was a lot of goon sacks and we all just kind of smoked a lot of weed and did whatever we could find and I'm not gonna talk about all the specifics but yeah and just ran around the town fighting each other and getting treats in the fixed equipment in the top park it was gross like it was gross that doesn't happen anymore like even my brother's generation a few ten years later they're so like good and yeah self-respecting and yeah so it was the music scene back then was that something that you were involved with in bar I remember before hardcore really took off there was a few bands and and like I would probably associate the music scene with like the more adult like yeah world that you think of it was always a location that's one thing that was lucky people always toured there Ben Harper kind of really oh yeah he liked to indulge there yeah I kind of hated that side of Byron and I hated that hippie music because it was just like to me it was just a fake story about where I lived but yeah it was kind of that it was that acoustic yeah but now obviously it's an amalgamation of heaps of shit and the world's changed immensely but yeah I just remember like yeah just angry angry punk bands and what did you listen to growing up and and do you think any of it has inspired your music now well I was very into my school actually and I was influenced by I did for unit English and a lot like history and humanities and I was a bit of a nerd and I got into like Kate Bushfire that because of Wuthering Heights yeah so I listened to a lot of like English music and new wave and it's my dad Scottish so I kind of knew a lot about not a lot about but more about British stuff and David Bowie and Queen and that kind of thing so I was kind of listening to that but then around me all this kind of punk and hardcore music was coming up and even though I felt quite alienated by the local scene I still kind of there I got invited by a couple of dudes that I was friends with and I went and I found it pretty inspiring at the same time as then I leave and someone be like what are you doing here like do you want to blow kind of thing like why the hell would you be here sort of looks or getting kicked in the head a couple of times in the mosh pit accidentally things like that where I was like I'm not sure this is a spot for a girl at the time pretty macho there was girls getting into it but like kind of it was weird and but I found it inspiring because they were inventing something new that was a reaction against that what I consider to be repulsive faux hippie culture yeah and so like bands like Parkway who made something out of nothing and they were all independent and did something in their own town and also like something like becoming metal but still wearing fucking thongs and shirts and going over to Germany playing these metal festivals where people have dressed as priests but they're there with like yeah just flip-flops on like and I thought that was cool and it made me inspired to do something completely different to them but still inspired to that I didn't have to kind of you know stick to the do what was happening at home yeah the so-called image of a Byron person yeah so and then you got to Sydney and kind of you so the con is a conservatory conservatory school yes yeah the keyboardist in the jazz bells is actually like a proper musician yeah unlike me yeah you kind of followed her so she was a was she quite heavy into theory and stuff yeah yeah she was like she could have I think she left school early to go she was like a bit of a genius type person and was studying piano classical piano there was thoughts about going overseas and all that stuff but when we formed the band I think you know no I was really expected to go anywhere but it just kind of we ended up getting momentum and so she got kind of pushed into being a pop pianist or an alt rock troubadour as you might call it but yeah she is she is very savvy with all that stuff proper the name the jazz bells can you explain well that was that was very I'm at uni yeah and I've discovered an ism but you know also reacting probably coming from the context of like the male scene that we're in and getting called sluts and getting scores yelled out at us on the street I kind of did notice a little bit of coastal town misogyny growing up a lot more than you'd see now actually I noticed heaps of it and I thought let's start a feminist band and I went to uni and discovered feminism and did my reading and heard about reclaiming things and the patriarchy and all that bullshit it's not bullshit was kind of very boring to talk about now who was around when you guys were doing it like there was because we always just spoke to Bernard fanning interviewed Bernard fanning he kind of talks about they were in an old target you know an old warehouse in Brisbane and you know it people were squatting basically and jamming and you know the next room was regurgitated and then custard were downstairs was there much of that around you in Sydney yes any stuff look there was but we kind of kept to ourselves a bit yeah we kept to ourselves a lot because we weren't from Sydney and there was a scene but it was like that modular scene which I think definitely actually did brush off on us like coming from like a kind of punky alti goth II feminist thing but then with that like disco II yeah early 2000s like presets who are all those bands I remember that song Van she Kelly and all that stuff when I moved to Surrey Hills and I thought it was the coolest place ever yeah and there was all these like the horrors were really big that it was like that indie disco dark new wave shit going on yeah so I think that kind of Sydney electronic music that was still quite song driven yeah was definitely and melodic was definitely an influence on us as well I can't even remember who was around because we did kind of stick to Aaron little in Chile mines at the time what was the big the big coup like oh we've been asked to open for big yeah well well our first opportunity was opening for Tegan and Sarah around the country she's interesting because our manager comes from that like from the heavy rock everyone in the music industry came from a heavy rock background in those days and he just for some weird reason like Tegan and Sarah and booked them and us and then everything else was just heavy yeah so they were the only connection he had that we might actually go with we got once got put on them sound waves though yeah yeah it sound way yeah because someone pulled out or something and then put the jezwells on there's all these like mohawks going what the fuck sound wave was the real deal a little bit old but we're not anyway um but I think the moment for us was probably like splendor 2000 could have been 10 or 11 I can't remember but basically it was one of those you kind of knew you were getting somewhere but then like the whole we were playing the tent and like the whole festival was there there was no one on the main stage and it was just like one of those oh I remember vomiting out of the stage because I was really fucking nervous and Ellie the rapper came up to me and gave me an icy bowl like an isotope I suppose like chill out get on stage all right and I was like I've got a bucket so that was a bit of one of those yeah moments of I think we might be have something going on here yeah yeah splendor probably yeah right and then and then you took it overseas yeah we'd already started going overseas before that but again you're obviously just building playing playing to no one and then we got some pretty good supports around that time we supported the Pixies in Depeche mode and this 90s band called skunk and antsy they were huge in Europe like huge in Europe a very very old yeah and yeah that was pretty cool did oh yeah did a little bit fair bit of touring overseas but then um yeah then Heather got unwell and it sort of yeah the second album was a bit of a rough period yeah right how did you go I'm guessing with like such rational and careful you know like where you were coming from when you started that band was kind of from a different place it didn't sound like sex drugs and rock and roll like some of your contemporaries and like had did you do did you guys get into the partying was the partying as heavy as you see with the you know with the whiskey bottles being hurled around no we were like a little bit too intellectual that was always our problem and probably our strength why we sustained so long we're kind of like I remember reading Johnny said he remembered reading something about us saying we were the hardest working band in yeah Australia it was like looks we didn't have any friends in the same yeah none of us were super you know I was more concerned with like I need to spell Jezebel's differently because then it means she's not a harlot because you're not some literary fucking pun or like talking about the biblical patriarchy or some shit yeah but then I think yeah in that period where Heather got unwell and we had a lot of some world tours cancelled and things kind of got torn out from under us we're still going but that's when I kind of got into the partying yeah right so it was a bit wayward but it was also kind of cathartic because I'd spent a lot of time trying to be strict on myself and probably needed to get a bit of a circuit breaker yeah yeah now you've gone solo I have yeah yeah has that been something you wanted to do so it was inevitable but you know you just um when there's when there's no time there's no time and then time presented itself and I just spent a lot of that the last five years kind of probably wondering about a bit lost partying but also trying to find my sound that sounds really wanky but you think that you know it'll just come but the limitations and the abilities of the band really defined you know my songwriting and that kind of thing so to find what that solo thing would be took a lot of hit and misses and trying to write with different people and write different genres and I always thought it would be pop but I realized the other day I just I don't really like pop as much as I thought I theoretically did you know what I mean did you like what it represents yeah I think most musicians like to you know acknowledge the genius that is a good pop song and respect it and a lot you know a good pop song always has one thing that's just undeniable or whether it's a melody of the production or whatever but there are actually very few that for me make me feel anything these days and I I think I tried to kind of suck some of the alt rockness out of my sound and like go go for the jugular so to speak but not only is that really hard it can be quite soul destroying yeah and I realized I do like rock yeah and being you and being me and like sometimes having ambiguous lyrics and things that don't make sense and you know a bit of rawness on there was Kylie a big inspiration totally yeah totally yeah well growing up in Byron that's what we would all listen to and that it was like just like the top 40 you know like any teenager does and Ice Cube and Kylie were like the biggest house party bangers oh yeah you can do it get your ass into it and la la la back to back to front over and over but yeah Kylie was a massive influence because that that era of her music was pretty fucking banging yeah the epic melodies and all that kind of thing plus I'm a massive ABBA fan yeah favorite band so there's not a little bit of ABBA in some of your um on stage outfits I have to say totes yeah I'm only just getting people seeing that though that was my main qualm with the Jezebels I'd say ABBA was my favorite band and people would be like don't see it at all alright that's my mission it's like for people to believe me when I say that and go oh yeah I can say that yeah a bit of flair action yeah a bit of flair a little bit of disco bassline in the chain and are you still getting those nerves um not quite like the vomiting in a bucket and ice block afterwards but then again so I hadn't discovered whiskey yeah at that time and I it does help the nerves but I so you know happy medium you do I did do I did make sure I did I started out my solo stuff without drinking I did like nine months of non drinking so that I didn't fall into the rut of depending on alcohol to be confident enough to get on stage but it does take the edge off it's kind of are a little bit better when you're a little bit pissed but you're not as better as you think yeah yeah there's a line there that's very thin it's a tiny line between being like hello and what I've noticed in the COVID world is like when there's two shows if you're on that line in the first show you're going to be past that line yeah so you basically been doing with the restrictions and the numbers you do two shows a night and you kind of have half capacity at each yeah and even then you're still not able to get as many tickets or as many bums on seats as you would in a full night but it's it makes it a bit more so yeah the second one's the sloppy one but so is the crowd they've been waiting a bit later and so it's alright I think I think it works yeah I saw when he I saw one of your second shows but I've always wondered about I thought it was great there was no spillages on any of the outfits or anything like that but I've always wondered that as that that finding that line because there's some people who obviously someone like Judy Barr off the rails for 20 years and comes back and then still kind of has a relationship with alcohol and probably still has a drink before a show and and has to revert back to that line that he actually didn't even see when he was in his 20s and 30s yeah yeah it's funny how that's a part of your job it's the only job in the world where you kind of expected to drink whatever they have backstage yeah well I definitely pondered sobriety I mean I did it for nine months for my own reasons and it was really great but what I discovered was when I kind of flirted with like a a sobriety like seriously committing to it I was like I'm not sure I've given up on moderation yeah I don't think that it's easy but I wonder if you can develop it because I think there's this myth and it might be true but this myth that you're like the kind of person who just is moderate or just isn't but it's like but what if you could practice it like anything else like what if you could just keep like repeating that two wines thing or going home a bit earlier thing and I'm still I'm now I'm in the phase of trying to achieve that because I guess the extremes are just like where you want to avoid but yeah maybe Jimmy has found a way I think as you get older you do find a way to moderate because you just can't fucking take it anymore as well kids and few million dollars yeah yeah house big zipper down the chest every day that's the other thing yes you get in the pattern of it because you need to he could spend a year in the hammock wouldn't change how are you feeling on stage with the whole thing you brought it all together you've got quite a few people up there with you how does that always that all come together like because it's it it's very much as much as you have a band that's probably bigger than the Jezebels in people yeah it's still very much a solo thing solo thing yeah it's a it's a fine balance because I want it to sound you know it's a rock and roll I do rock and roll recording like possibly even more than the Jezebels are it's rocky and it's Guitare and I want it to sound big I don't want to be like slip slip pop with just a you know computer on stage but how do I was the question you very much feel like you're still solo artists despite having having a band on stage yeah two to three more people on stage than you would have with the Jezebels yeah I do but yeah but I've never done any solo stuff without that many people so yeah what I just all I care about is it just being like a great experience and I don't really care if people feel like it was a band that's sick that's fine yeah ultimately like it's my name and one day if anyone ever buys a record again I'll make the money yeah until then it's Spotify baby until then it's just me spending the money one one hundredth of a cent per stream it's amazing isn't it the world has changed a lot in since you you started with the Jezebels even do you remember you was like that was before streaming yeah pre-streaming pre social media so massive oh there was my space in the wild days of piracy in the wild days of piracy which everyone says streaming was replacing but I don't know it's but it's it's pretty much the same if you're a musician is it it's similar look what I think's happening is it's in its teeth it's still in its infancy and I'm probably not going to judge it negatively because it definitely has opened up like massive markets yeah and it's taken the legs like it's just it's just taken all of the gatekeeping away yeah and that's a good thing and the music industry was kind of decimated by it for a second there and then it evolved and live became you know it used to be the reverse what you played a live tour to promote a record and then it just they switched it and you made a record to promote a live tour and all the mining you went to merch and live and that was fine but then COVID does fuck with that immensely but I do think musicians will just evolve again because they're compelled to play and they just will it'll just be branding and people will have to get the fuck over the idea that anyone's selling out because it's like well you're not buying any of the music so gotta sell something dude I'm gonna do I'm gonna do a collab with Adidas guys and you know you wear adidas anyway so why do you care it's just yeah use my song in an ad and I can get a Porsche yeah and when we started it was like you know radio head with the band and branding would have been the most disgusting thing you could possibly do they didn't even do video clips some of those guys yeah and it was like a very anti image image and it's it was pretty difficult for like the band in the early days of social media and all that stuff to like post about ourselves yeah it was like fuck's sake I mean this is disgusting yeah like it felt disgusting and now I've kind of practiced that self-indulgent self-promotion muscle yeah and I've grown it's grown because you have to and you just see it as media now so I think you know if you really want to be a musician you just evolve really I want to know where the line is too by the way with selling out because you know everyone doesn't like it when someone yeah it's like my idea of selling out is not opening the doors after your gig getting off stage and running to the front and standing behind a merch stand and selling your t-shirts back to the people that just bought your tickets like that could be arguably you're selling clothing at that point it's like what yeah yeah well actually you do sell a lot more merch if you go out there what that's definitely not selling out that's just trying to survive now but um selling out I think what selling out is is when you do something that is actually against your own ethos or it's not so much that it is wrong it's just that it's against what you represent and what you stand for for money yeah but at the same time sometimes you do it's just it's like how much against it are you and how much money is it and like you now you acknowledge that you might have to sell out a little bit but it's just like how much of your soul is being crushed and how much are you getting for it that's kind of the question is we've all sold out a bit because we only really wanted to make music and you can't make money off that yeah hip-hop doesn't struggle with that because it's such a flash art form it's about showy yes yeah and selling out and like yeah only really indie kids struggle with that idea because it's like I don't need to sell out because I went to university and my parents are middle class I actually went to university my parents are not middle class that was really lucky but I understand that whole thing it's like the inner west kind of anti-culture thing in Sydney or Melbourne's quite it's screams of a safety net well yeah it screams of not having to make money yeah so you can't really be angry at anyone for selling out these days and I like that that's been removed because there's like no one yeah unless you can just fund your career and never make any money then you will have to sell out at some point yeah I think if you let the government use your stuff though I think that's probably the last bastion of being called a sellout so funny though I totally agree with you but like people get pretty political these days with their music so yeah they're probably like more inclined to let the government use it than a brand which is silly yeah the government has so little money I did once get put on a clover more ad right without being asked Sydney mayor clover Moore from Queensland listeners yeah and I was like basically the Margaret Thatcher of Sydney totally has like been led to believe she's been the man down there for 20 years she really ruined the north yeah yeah yeah yeah the metro line ruined the north fucked yeah no um I yeah she didn't ask me but I thought it was good publicity yeah but you know it's not like yeah doing something for like uh and uh Hayley Mary has uh lent her song to the vote no campaign like you you don't want to go anywhere near that yeah though I did wonder whether being the only person daring to give Trump the song might might at least get you some money oh kid rock like no one will touch this like should I join the army now it may ruin my career but Trump's got a bit of cash yeah no it would be strange to yeah join the army that's the last one join the army and you too can shoot people hey I'm Hayley Mary you should join the army it's a real good time yeah well we're going to finish this podcast with one of your songs okay you get to choose which one well it's would be the chain because that's my new single okay well after this we will talk to your people and they will send us a file and we'll put it on the end of this podcast so the podcast won't get taken down for copyright infringement again yeah we have this again that's happened a few times interviewing someone playing their song and then having to then explain to the label the platforms that we have permission if you just listen to the start of that podcast we have permission where the artist himself was on it yeah yeah yeah that's hilarious well thank you for joining us Hayley all the best with this new thing and and covered pending let's uh let's hope you can take this solo act overseas soon thank you this is the change this is the chain by through a hole in the world in the world it's not quite as it seems it's too old for a girl for a girl i could tear at the seams any argument you care to put across you're an easy rider you're an easy rider you would never be the one who's gonna start the the chain i got time i got time i got favors is you're an easy rider you would never be the one who's gonna start the and we could make the breath start make the brand so and we could make the brand we can in the chain |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_spring_break_snl | And finally here to share is excitement about going on Spring Break. This year is Jimmy Fallon. that's a lot, Colin. thank you very much. you know, in a couple of days I'm gonna go away for Spring Break and I can't wait. Spring Break that year. Went out and bought beer. cashier grabbed me, took my fake Id. wait a second. Man, you don't understand. that picture is me with a turban and a tan. my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my name's Muhammad. So, uh, where are you gonna go on Spring Break, Jimmy? there's only one place I can go, Colin. they say who wants to be a millionaire. give me a millionaire, I wouldn't care. there's only one place I have to be. that's at the Beach House on Mtv. Cancun, Costa Rica, baby, I don't care. use my dad's visa if it gets me there. tell me course and daily cause I need to know how I'm gonna get on to the Spring Break show. I need to know Spring Break show.
Yeah, I hope it works out because it could be great. Well, it's a hot one, hell of a sesame, a one-on-one.
I got my boombox and my cooler filled with tequila out by the pool. but you all went to the ocean, locked me out of my room. I need some suntan lotion on my bodysuit. I look just like a lobster.
Man, my trip is ruined. give me a plane, take it home, and let's forget about it. let's forget about it. But, uh, the one thing that you can say, the one, uh, the one thing that you can say about Spring Break is thank God it only comes once a year. I say my hair is hurt and I'm just waking up and I am shaking because I just threw up. yeah, yeah, yeah, drank too much, drank all 35 flavors of jello shots. smoked somebody's pie and then I did a keg stand for a long, long time. made out with a stranger for a long, long time. This is what the Spring Break is all about, little baby. Hello, everybody. I'm Colin Glaig, and that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. |
cracked | the_history_of_nathan_fielder | This is a ridiculously thorough history of Nathan Fielder in one minute.
When Fielder was 13 years old He joined the Vancouver Magic Circle with a friend of his and it was just the two of those children and a bunch of old men.
That same year he was transferred to a large public school He ended up joining the improv team where one of his partners Seth Rogan said it was not even on the table that he Would act like he was burning in lava.
In 2005 Nathan moved to Toronto He bought a video camera and made hundreds of experimental video shorts when he screened his shorts He realized that people were laughing more at his mannerisms than the actual jokes His shorts eventually got popular enough that in 2007 He was recruited to join a show called This Hour has 22 minutes where he was given an interview segment called Nathan on your side.
In 2009 He became a writer on the Comedy Central show important things with Demetri Martin along with John H Benjamin then joined the cast and writing crew of John Benjamin has a van and while he was there That's when he pitched Nathan for you to Comedy Central and became the Nathan Fielder We all know and love today |
dropout | put_your_phone_away_hot_date | Holy shit! One other stranger thinks kids gotta DUI. I thought you were taking my picture. Man, they grow up so fast. Alright, let's put the phones away. You know, there was a time when two people could go out and enjoy a meal without bleeps and bloops and you've got males interrupting their every bite. You know what? You are absolutely right. Thank you. Except about the you've got males that came out of left field. That's better, right? A real human connection. No devices separating us. Holy shit.
Emily, gosh, phones. No, no, no, no. This is big. North Korea? Emily, all I hear is phone, phone, phone. Could you rip the morphine drip out of your arm already? Okay, this feels really irresponsible.
To live in the present moment? The here and now? To be uninformed? I mean, who knows how much longer the here and now is gonna be here and now if North Korea- Ahem.
Okay, okay. So how was your day? Oh, holy shit.
Emily, you are addicted! This is real! What is more real?
Will you just please give me my phone? There's serious stuff happening. You don't actually want it, believe me.
I deleted Twitter from my phone seven months ago and I've never been happier. Just because you delete Twitter doesn't mean bad stuff stops happening. But they don't happen on my phone.
You know what I like? The smell of flowers. What?
And the sound of freshly baked bread. Listen to the bread.
Alright, I'm actually starting to realize that I don't have anything to talk about when I'm not telling people to put their phones away, so I'll just do us both a favor. Thank you. Holy shit. World War III? One of the Stranger Things kids body slammed a reporter. That's awesome. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope.
Please stab at the shirt.
Oh, okay. You've got males interrupting their every bite? You know what? You are absolutely right. Thank you. Except about the you've got males that came out of left field. That's better, right?
A real human connection. No devices separating us. Holy shit.
Emily? My gosh, phones? No, no, no. This is big. North Korea? Emily, all I hear is phone, phone, phone. Could you rip the morphine drip out of your arm already? Okay, this feels really irresponsible.
To live in the present moment? The here and now? To be uninformed? I mean, who knows how much longer the here and now is going to be here and now if North Korea...
Ham. Okay, okay. Oh my God. So how was your day? Oh, holy shit.
Emily, you are addicted. This is real! What is more real?
Will you just please give me my phone? There's serious stuff happening. You don't actually want it, believe me.
I deleted Twitter from my phone seven months ago and I've never been happier. Just because you delete Twitter doesn't mean bad stuff stops happening. But they don't happen on my phone.
You know what I like? The smell of flowers. What?
And the sound of freshly baked bread. Listen to the bread.
Alright, I'm actually starting to realize that I don't have anything to talk about when I'm not telling people to put their phones away, so...
I'll just do us both a favor. Thank you. Holy shit! World War 3? One of the Stranger Things Kids body slammed a reporter. That's awesome. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
cracked | 8_adorable_viral_videos_that_qualify_as_animal_cruelty_cracked_tv | Hey everybody! Welcome to episode 22 of Crack TV. I'm your host, a single white android interested in mating. I enjoy human females capable of carrying my robot seed to term, long walks on the beach, and the music of Josh Groban. Mostly the seed thing, though. With me as always is my co-host, Clippy McNutshot!
Too easy, Clip. You're a hack. Anyway, because the Cracked Legal Team are a bunch of humorless pussies, today's topic is not... Oh well, lemons to lemonade.
We may not be able to kill humans on the show, but we can still hurt animals. I mean, I didn't check, but... When it comes to simple household pet abuse, there's no handier tool than a wall.
It's large, solid, and makes a satisfying sound when struck. Hear that? That's some skull deformation right there, that's nice.
In the unlikely event that your animal's smart enough to avoid walls, try installing a glass door. Or, as the professional pet abuser calls it, the beautiful lie. And if your pet simply refuses to abuse itself, you may want to unleash the invisible bats. Of course, physical harm is just one hilarious dimension of animal cruelty.
Don't write off the more subtle psychological approach. New on. Sophisticated. It's really the thinking man's abuse. Just remember, when utilizing this technique, never make a threat you can't back up. This is also an excellent debate strategy.
The reforms I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.
Let's be honest, you don't always have the time to provide your pets with the level of abuse that they so richly deserve. Luckily, as with every other human endeavor, there's already a robot that does it better. The spa's brilliance lies in its simplicity. You take a torture box, call it a shower, lock the victim inside, and let her rip. If it was good enough for the Nazis, it's good enough for Sergeant Nibbles. Features include a viewing window to look through while you masturbate, and fully adjustable water jets and drainage holes to whisk away the copious amounts of shit you're guaranteed to scare out of your pet.
Or, small child? I'm just saying. Although that does void the warranty.
Another easy and fun way to endanger your animal is gross negligence. That's right, film it and laugh. Right up until the dog's tail catches like a fuse and the whole campground thinks you're a Korean family. You know, that dog would almost make a good rescue animal. Chief, we got someone trapped under a flaming beam. Right, send in the rescue dog. You mean the one that just jumps over the fire over and over? Yeah. Well, he burns alive.
Well, yeah, but you don't have to say it like that. Now, I'd like to recognize those that take the time to turn pet abuse into a full-scale hobby. God bless you, extreme grooming weirdos. Honestly, if you wanted a fish, they're really cheap. Those photos are all from the same annual poodle grooming convention, although it got canceled this year because the poodles were all found hanged to death by their own leashes. Everyone agreed it was a small price to pay to make Poodle Angelo a reality. And don't worry, sterile housewives who don't have time to groom. If you can't turn your dog into a work of art, you can at least throw some humiliating shit onto him. Bonus points for blasphemy.
I'm sorry, I have to interrupt the program. We're receiving some breaking news from our marine biology department.
It may be the world's ugliest dolphins. That's right, people. Fuck the moon landing. We finally got the ugliest dolphin.
And as a hot marine biologist, that woman is qualified to make that judgment on no less than two levels. Now let's kill the son of a bitch. Sweet lady progress marches ever onward. At this point, some of you were probably thinking, Michael, come on.
What other forms of abuse are there? Are you kidding me? We haven't even gotten to chemical burns yet. And what about the long con?
That's right, hardcore drug addiction. Head owners have long enjoyed slipping their animals. Alcohol, weed, even LSD. Anything to shut them the hell up. Don't think recreational drugs count as abuse? Next time you're on acid, imagine living in a world of giant drunks and having no theories whatsoever as to why their faces are suddenly melting.
Huh, you know, it's funny. I did the exact same thing my first time. We can't stop here. This is back country. You know what was a good board game? A mouse trap. Because it taught our children that if you're gonna capture an animal, you gotta do it in the most humiliating, circuitous way possible. It's good to know someone took that lesson to heart. Ah, but you didn't stick the landing. You know the rules. Pick up your piece and go back to start.
Well, that's it for this episode. Unless Clippy wants to lower the comedic bar some more.
You're right. I was wrong to judge. Man, you really shut me up. Quite a kick in the balls.
And remember, if you want to help me pick my next topic, just send me a postcard pointing out all the differences between these two pictures. Be specific.
I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. |
cracked | antiheroes_cracked_series_trailer | And a small comet, B-1 CEO, B-G2, will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit.
Okay, team. Gather round.
Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes.
If you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door.
I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, you know?
Yeah.
Alright, assholes. Listen up. We just got superpowers.
Me too. For sure.
We've received reports of weird lights appearing throughout the city just minutes ago after a comet eclipsed the moon.
Have you guys named yourself yet? Yeah, Ken. We named ourselves.
She's Professor Brain Girl, and I'm Heloid, the heal person.
Together we call the cops in emergencies, but otherwise we mind our own business. We'll pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit.
Okay, team. Gather round.
Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes.
If you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door.
I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, you know?
Yeah.
Alright, assholes. Listen up. We just got superpowers.
Me too. For sure.
We've received reports of weird lights appearing throughout the city just minutes ago after a comet eclipsed the moon.
Have you guys named yourself yet? Yeah, Ken. We named ourselves.
She's Professor Brain Girl, and I'm Heloid, the heal person.
Together we call the cops in emergencies, but otherwise we mind our own business.
Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Pop_Pilgrims_The_Texas_Chain_Saw_family_restaurant | When the AB Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Is anybody home? If you feel a little disturbed when you look at this classic Texas home turned into a restaurant, well, there's a reason for that. This is the house where Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed. The house was originally in Round Rock, Texas, and then in 1998, it was cut up into little pieces and shipped here to Kingsland, Texas. And now the location that once served humans as meat serves meat for lunch and for dinner. Tim here is an expert on Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We are currently in Leatherface's house.
Yes, we are. You think this is a party? What was it like in that room? Just about anything you could think of to make this a bad shoot was in full play. You have hot lights.
There is no ventilation because, you know, as the sun is going by outside, it had to all still be at night. So they had to close off the windows. There was no AC.
You had dishes that had, you know, real head cheese sausage. You had a rotting chicken head. And as people got sick from the heat and whatnot, then you have people who are actually throwing up outside.
And then over here, we call the chicken room or the bone room. There's a curtain here and Pam stumbles through. Over here, we had a giant bench that was made out of bones that sat over here. This is where you first see Leatherface. Pam comes stumbling in and sees them down at that door. Bob Burns put in a fake door, kind of like a slaughterhouse door when they would bring in cattle and slaughter them and then shut the door. And now we're at the top of the staircase where Sally came running up the stairs and dives out this window, trying to escape Leatherface.
Have you eaten the food here? Yes, it's delicious. Is it delicious? I'm a vegetarian, so the irony won't be quite as thick for me if I get a burger.
You're in the wrong place. We get emails, you know, why I don't know how you can work in a place or run a place where so many people die. And we had to reply back. Nobody died here in the house.
It's just it's just a movie. How do you think such a low budget movie got to be so popular? People make the greatest works of art when they're hungry, angry, lonely and tired. You know, if there's no complacency, but yet they're out out to get a job done and they have close to zero resources, they have a vision, they work as a team to get that done. And that comes across because you you literally see the blood, sweat and tears in that film. |
CrackerMilk | lit_yoga_tips_for_phat_inner_chi | Oh, what's up? Welcome back to another sick episode of Connor's yoga lessons with Connor.
Today we're going to be showing you your inner chi and some breathing exercises. Go back, not yet. We're going to be showing you some breathing exercises and that's going to be hella dope. Come through with my assistant Jared and he's going to show you the basics as well. And remember, just do it. Isn't that hella? So to help find your inner chi, it's really important we do some hella dope fresh breathing exercises, full 30 blaze it, that are really good for your lungs and your respiratory system. Also great for the feet. They're going to help you find that inner piece that we're all looking for in the day to day grind. So today Jared and I are going to help do some and they're really simple.
The first one's just in through the nose and out through the mouth. Let's do it now Jared, together. One, two, three, go. Slap it. Alright, now the first step is to get down on one knee like this. Now put your arms out like that. You're going to bend down like that and you're going to lift your head up.
I'm going to want you to lean forward for me, then back out. Then forward for me, then back out.
Do you really feel that burn? Yeah, that's sick isn't it? How lit is that?
Keep going Jared, don't stop. Wow Jared, that was hella sick. But now we're going to show you some sick moves straight from the Deepak Chopra guide for chill yoga postures. This is a meditation move Jared, so just make sure you put your fingers up and your back straight.
Do you feel that Jared? Uh huh. Do you feel what I'm doing for your neck there? Uh huh. Do you feel it? Yeah. Hmm, maybe the issue is guys, we need to face it the other way. So just twist your head this way Jared. Does that feel better for your chi Jared?
Yeah?
So today we're going to finish off with a sick move that's guaranteed to get that chill up high in the sky. It's called the man kiss. Pretty simple move, nothing wrong with it. Just a good kiss on the lips with your friend and your chi levels hit that level they need to. Wow, I've got hella chi for hella me. Peace out guys, have a sick evening.
Breathing exercises and that's going to be hella dope. Come through with my assistant Jared and he's going to show you the basics as well. And remember, just do it. Isn't that hella? So to help find your inner chi it's really important we do some hella dope fresh breathing exercises, 430 blaze it, that are really good for your lungs and your respiratory system. Also great for the feet. They're going to help you find that inner peace that we're all looking for in the day to day grind. So today Jared and I are going to help do some and they're really simple.
The first one's just in through the nose and out through the mouth. Let's do it now Jared together. One, two, three, go. Slap it. Alright, now the first step is to get down on one knee like this. Now put your arms out like that. You're going to bend down like that and you're going to lift your head up.
I'm going to want you to lean forward for me, then back out. Then forward for me, then back out.
Do you really feel that burn? Yeah, that's sick isn't it? How lit is that?
Keep going Jared, don't stop. Wow Jared, that was hella sick. But now we're going to show you some sick moves straight from the Deepak Chopra guide for chill yoga postures. This is a meditation move Jared, so just make sure you put your fingers up and your back straight.
Do you feel that Jared? Do you feel what I'm doing for your neck there? Do you feel it? Maybe the issue is guys, we need to face him the other way. So just twist your head this way Jared. Does that feel better for your chi Jared?
Yeah?
So today we're going to finish off with a sick move that's guaranteed to get that chill up high in the sky. It's called the man kiss. Pretty simple move, nothing wrong with it. Have a good kiss on the lips with your friend and your chi levels hit that level they need to. Wow, I've got hella chi for hella me. Peace out guys, have a sick evening. |
dropout | the_charming_mr_hitler_the_britishes | I've heard he has the charm of Charlie Chaplin. I've heard that his waltz makes other men's minuets look like shit. I've heard a horse once. It made this sound.
Ma! Seriously, what is your glitch? Ladies, please. He may be Europe's most eligible bachelor, but tonight he is simply our guest. He's here! May I present...
Mr. Adolf Hitler. It is he! It's Hitler. It's 1912. He is handsome. But the rumors about him... Are true. His poetry is so beautiful you'll think God has come back to Earth and started writing more Bibles. Is that Lord British, I see? Hitler! Hitler, oh boy!
So glad you could join us. Don't be doubt, British. Adolf Hitler never misses a party. Should you ever have a party, you must be sure to invite us.
Hitler. Start his own party? Perhaps I will. Or perhaps I'll have a drink. Oh, Hitler.
Who is this radiant beauty? You have the most beautiful eyes. I believe you can tell a lot about a person from the color of their eyes. What's the lovely thought?
James, that young Hitler fellow could be competition. Not if I can help it. How hard can it be to stop Adolf Hitler?
On top of all your other qualities, an artist a boot. I took a few classes in Vienna. That's far away. Lately, I have been doubling in expressionism. But my encounter is getting the palette just right. You're German is as beautiful as your English. Do you travel much? Hardly.
But I would love to see the world. Poland, France. And then push into Greece and Northern Africa. Maybe try and fit Russia in. Really tear across Europe. Artist, linguist, traveler.
A gentleman of your considerable talents, Mr. Hitler, should consider entering politics. I'd be happy to make a few introductions. I could not impose. Oh, no. I would be honored. I want everyone to associate the Britishers with the name Adolf Hitler.
Do you really think I have a chance? Why? You seem capable of anything. Oh, I'm sure there must be some fault with our guest. Nobody's perfect. Not yet.
What? Shall we dance? Who?
Oh, Hitler, you really are the devil himself. Let me short your happy dance in Germany. Well, march along with Hitler. Everybody, march along with Hitler. Stop the music.
James, what is the meaning of this? This is Hitler's personal journal. I can't read it because it's in German. But it seems to contain material most sinister. This is the most beautiful poem I've ever read. Hey, Hitler, would you do us the honor of a reading?
Oh, I'd answer. Don't be shy. I never think that I shall see. A cloud is flapping quite a sea. |
dropout | photoshop_rap_part_2 | This cat photo is so boring, how can I make my cat into the best cat picture ever?
But there's so many colors, which one do I pick?
Find the highest contrast, that's the one to click Now duplicate the layer, let your levels coast Cheers, edges looking darker than some burnt up toasts Get a soft black brush to fill your pet Turn your little kitty cat into a silhouette Command click this layer while I murder the beat Then you pick your top tier and it's a cute delete But if your selection's looking jaggy and wrecked Here's a tip, blow that fur with the feather select Now step one, stun and your cat's been free So computer, low-core, stop, P.F.D You've got a photo problem, ain't no need for hating Call the rest your master, I'll manipulate And see why it's got the style to keep your layers popping Now, gimp, I'm a pimp when it comes to my shopping Now we're looking ready for some background hiding Tell me how you feel about outer space lightning Well, I- Then a subtle pussy's going to space Let me summon my disciple, say hello to his face Yo, I'm radiant G, y'all make the gradient C All your player fate is trying to get a piece of me I got the linear phase, all the ladies' light Make your canvas slide diagonally from black to white Got some difference clouds, and level it right Till you get a thin beam of electric night But this lightning bolt's black, that's ridiculous What on Disney thus?
I'm meticulous Sorry, didn't mean to make your feelings hurt CMY smack this fool, I command item first My level's again, make that lightning bolt shine Colorize, it's Q-Y, CMY runs Got a small white brush, make stars like we do Then lower your opacity and highlight a few Now this feline supply just might take wing As an interstellar thunder surfing, cat got kin When you get a troubleshooter, CMY's the one Cappin' your dilemmas with his photoshop gun He don't skill-o with his killer, he's a pixel refiner I'm as keen to take, cause I'm a rhymin' designer Now your pet's been refreshed by that cosmic lance But beware, be prepared, cause part three's advanced But my vision's complete, and the picture is done Ninja chair, overflow, I've only just begun I'll show you how to find all the skills you require Unlock your heart's layers, start playin' with fire We'll get things rollin' with the circle, my key Hoe shift to expand it, go distantly Make a radio gradient with a quad-colored flame Build a circle from the center with precision aim This tutorial's hard, you're a real curmudgeon Oi, hush, grab a brush, cause it's time for smudging Make the motion blur, then duplicate ya later Your defunction's absurd, cause I'm a true player Then mode, hard light, I can go all night Open Google search, fire, fuck that copyright I straight stole what I needed to complete the task And I hope the man, oh, it make a creepy mask Now we're almost done, sun, check the speed line, ferocity Ticket top must layer, drop that master, opacity Now we reach the end of my badass tutorial Can't wait to show my friends at my dead cat's memorial Yeah, wait, what?
If you're hurtin' by my project, that's a bit too much Killer gonna fix it with his healing brush Ain't no file too big, ain't no zoom too far Yeah, all you layer haters can suck my tool ball If you call up on his help, boy, I won't be regrettin' He'll shock your kitty cat into kitty cat Heaven, he's a photoshopped gangster spreadin' knowledge to news My DPI's big, but my IPD's huge IPD means it's just perfect Oh, yeah, I got that Sorry for your loss |
TheOnion | Gifted_Youngster_Sells_Cookies_To_Buy_Attack_Ad | This election year, America's youth are getting more involved in politics than ever. Even if they're too young to vote, Jean Ann Wharton takes us beyond the facts. Emily Anderson is just eight years old, but she's already taking part in the political process, helping her favorite candidate, Barack Obama.
McCain is a liar, so buy my cookies. Without any help from her parents, Emily has raised enough money from selling cookies and lemonade to buy air time for this political attack ad against John McCain. John McCain says he believes in family values, but evidence links him to several mistresses throughout his time in the Senate. His wife stole prescription pills to support her drug habit. John McCain, philanderer, thief lover, wrong for America.
Paid for by Emily Anderson. Emily says the ad is her way of being a part of grown-up politics. Why did you decide to make this ad? I want to tear down Senator McCain so he can't win. I don't know where she gets it from because my husband and I were not really very political. Often working from the end of the school day until her 8 p.m. bedtime, Emily designed the ad all by herself. It's all part of this little girl's big plan to erode McCain's base of support by any means necessary.
John McCain is unfit to leave. He should be put out to pasture.
So far, the ad appears to be working. In areas where it has run, McCain's favorable ratings have dropped as much as 5 points. You can make a lie sound like the truth if you say it over and over and over again. The key is to control the public dialogue. Emily's actions recently drew the ire of the McCain camp, who called her tactics, quote, gutter politics. Despite the Senator's mean words, Emily hasn't lost her focus.
Did you know, while he was a POW, he tried to commit suicide twice? This man should not be president.
She's amazing. Will all of this work? We'll have to wait until November to see. But in the meantime, Emily will keep on working to make sure people come to hate John McCain as much as she does. From Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Ann Wharton. I'm sure we'll be seeing horrible things from that little girl in the future. Moving on, an endorsement from Rachael Ray proves frighteningly important for the Obama campaign. |
TheOnion | Live_Congress_Debates_New_Sex_Based_American_Dreams | But right now, we're getting word that Congress has already begun work on selecting a new American dream. Let's go now to a live feed from Washington where the new dream is being discussed. Before you, a proposal for a new American dream, PD number 432A, the so-called sex with celebrity dream. Under this American dream, every US citizen would strive toward one day having sex with a B-less celebrity. Just a bit of clarification. This dream seems similar to PD 309, in which the American dream would be to attain three or more groupies and that it is both a fame and sex-based dream. But the text of the dreams are very different. Before we move on, I'd like to make a proposal to return to the discussion of PD 428, the American dream of to create or own novelty tourist attraction. Now I believe a dream in which every American strives to have the world's largest chair or a wax museum or a huge sculpture of a dinosaur made from welded together farm tools would both be inspiring and it would drive up an international train.
Motion denied. I've always dreamed of riding in a submarine. Congressman, I don't think that that dream is shared by all Americans. I couldn't disagree with you more, Mr. Chairman. Do we really need a dream right now? Couldn't we just coast for a while? Alright, we'll have much more on that later. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_scenes_of_phone_case_in_partnership_with_t_mobile_snl | Did everyone have a nice break? Yes! good. All right. Oh! get this. get this.
Record this. this is how it all goes down. Yeah, so today we're here shooting a T-mobile spot with Bonnier.
Good morning! Welcome!
Oh, it's like an animatic. it's an animation. do you all like to watch it? that's what we're getting first? Yeah, great. Roll sound, roll camera. Thank you. Three, two, one. Crash! Great. Cut.
Could you imagine the nightmare that you have to use this as your phone case? it is actually really heavy. Oh my God! it's 25 pounds. it's 25 pounds?
What did she know?
Yes. And action. Whoops! man, it is really in there. Sorry about the flow. sorry about the flow.
Here we are in T-mobile City. that's my house right up there. Bonn lives to the left of me. Martin right over there.
Oh no, it's locked! Oh, it's locked!
All right, so we're moving on to the next scene where Bonn wakes up from this nightmare and he realizes that he's just back in his room. ready, And, action! Oh my goodness, how did you do that?
Guys, I can't wait to meet the dog. Hi, nice to meet you.
All right, and that is a wrap. Perfect! |
dropout | the_prom_date_with_jason_bateman_and_will_arnett | When did my little girl turn into such a beautiful young woman? Um, I don't know. It happened about four years ago, Dad.
And please, don't talk like that in front of Skip, okay? This is my senior prom, and I don't want my date to totally freak out. Okay. I don't even want him to meet you. Now, I've spoken to him several times, and he seems very polite. I know, honey, but these days, these boys, they know how to act all polite, and then before you know it, they've got their Facebook all up in your Twitter.
Ugh, is this a joke? Am I on America's lamest parents? Nope.
Your father and I care very much about you. Mom, your hands are sweaty. We do. We care a great deal. We care that you're dating a boy that's worthy of our little angel, okay?
Not some boy who's home. He is not some boy.
He is my soulmate. I've learned so much from him.
Hmm. I had a soulmate once. Did you meet Karen? Yep. The sole thing I wanted to do with her was mate. What? You understand what I'm saying? Okay, I had one thing on my mind, that's all, and I guarantee you the only thing on this boy's mind is the same thing.
So let's honor the curfew. Let's make sure you're in bed by eight o'clock tonight. Dad, the prom starts at nine. I don't think you're not going.
Let's go with ten. Ten? No way.
Solid hour. Honey, relax. Here, have a piece of orbit. I don't care if I seem overprotective.
I am your father, for heaven's sakes. I'm your father, for heaven's sakes.
You know what I mean? And... There's Skip. Here we go. God, no hairspray, please. Nothing good happens after ten, Katie. Sally, tell her. Okay, well there was a man in a very attractive van. Not now. What are you talking about? Mom, that's weird. Mom, dad, this is Skip. Hi.
That's Mr. McGovern from social studies. Skip McGovern.
We are in the same social studies class. You teach that class. I met you at parent teacher night. You told me you were giving my daughter excellent marks. Well, nothing that a good set of leggings can't cover. Katie did say that the two of you were in school together. I just assumed it was a student. Well, that's a two-way street. Sometimes she does let me play student too.
Isn't that right, Katie-cat? Yeah. Lines do get blurred, though. Sometimes it's kind of hard to know who is teaching. Is it who or whom? I don't know. I don't give a crap, right? What's important is.
I'm going to stop you right there, Mr. McGovern. Please do call me Skip. No. You seem very mature for my daughter. Oh, thank you. I'm barely 40.
This is a fake mustache, actually. Is it? It is.
Truth be told, I'm kind of in the middle of a dicey breakup right now with a gal who is suddenly shocked to find out that I don't want to move to Michigan with her and want her to go to college. It's like, I'm not in this for the long haul. You're so... Never have been. I'm a free fucking spirit, man. Here's the way the rest of this night's going to go. Jerry, take it easy, Jerry. Thank you. You're going to get inside your car. You're going to drive away from here. Boy, I'd love to get my paws in some of that gum, freshen up the old kiss hole. Sorry.
It was a last piece. That's a last piece.
Hey, did you bring a corsage? No, I did not. Because I'm making you one. I got to tell you, honey, I have never felt so much uncontrollable.
Product. Yeah.
In a school filled with immaturity and piercings and tattoos, she has chosen a man, not a boy, okay? He's got an education. He's got a salary. He's got his own car. A top of the line mustache. She's making such good decisions for a girl who was just recently 18.
Could you feel any safer? I know that I will sleep like a baby tonight. That makes two of us. It's going to be twins in the crib.
Oh, what time do I need to bring recently legal back? Well, she may be our daughter, but she's your student, so. Whenever I'm done teaching her, huh?
By the way, for Breccy's, I like a fresh muffin and somebody's addicted to sausage. Oh, Skip. Look at Jerry found. Now that is what I call getting lucky. I'm joking. What I call getting lucky would actually be. He's going to that prom and finding you a nice boy your own age to dance with. Don't you worry. I'll call when we get there, just to let you know we got there safe.
Skip, you're the best. You're the best? You're the best.
You're a couple of besties. He called us the besties. He did. Every one day, if we're lucky, he's going to call us mom and dad. Oh. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_birth_control_snl | This week, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh landed in a firestorm of controversy after he called a female law student a slut for advocating birth control rights. here to comment is our political correspondent, the raging Cajun himself, James Carville. hey, how are you, James? well, they haven't found the bodies yet, Seth, so I'm doing just fine. All right, yeah. Now, what do you think of Limbaugh's comments this week? I think Old Rush has done it again. when he put another notch in his jackass belt, you know, that's a wide belt, Seth. it's one of those long braided belts that fatties prefer. Yeah, no, I know the belts you're talking about. Now, even though Limbaugh apologized. yeah. even though Limbaugh apologized for using the word slut, many sponsors have left him in protest. Do you think Limbaugh will be canceled because of these comments? No, no, no, Seth. Rush will always be around. he sort of likes that Tv show Cops. you don't realize it's still on the air. then one Saturday evening, you're getting dressed, and you hear, bad boys, bad boys, is what you're gonna do? and you're like, they're still doing that thing?
Now, James, you know, while we have you here, we haven't had a chance to ask, what do you think of the Republican candidates? Oh, I think plenty about them, And I laugh, I laugh. I mean, look at the front-runner, Mitt Romney. I mean, I know Romney looks like a President, but we don't always get the job that we look right for. if we did, I'd be the king of the snakes. Seth, these primaries are going on for too long. month after month, we watched these hopefuls competing for the heart of America. it reminds me of the Patchler.
Oh, I think you mean the Bachelor. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. the Patchler was a game we used to play as kids in a watermelon patch. one boy would be declared the Patchler. normally, Ducky Boudreaux. And the rest of us would dress up our watermelons and string bikinis, and the Patchler would pick one to be his wife. wow, what'd your parents think of that? Oh, yeah, what'd Dad, I remember my Dad who wanted to say to me, Jimmy, quit having sex with that damn watermelon.
I think we could have completely changed gears now. Oh, yeah, you should. Okay, now, play it. Are you surprised, James, Are you surprised that Newt Gingrich is still around? Yes, yeah, I thought I killed him 15 years ago. What? I'm serious. when Newt tried that gum and shut down in the 90s, I swore I'd get him, I did him, I did him. And so, he said, here's what I did.
I put a personal ad in the Washington Post saying I was a single white female looking for an open relationship with a married Dc power player. I said, looks do not matter, but I love it when a guy is just a big blob of gray. I even attached a photo of me in a blonde wig posing like this. So anyway, we started dating. wait a second, you dated Newt Gingrich? I've dated many men in the name of Democratic Party, so I'm unashamed.
Oh, okay. one night, Newt and I go paddle boating on the Potomac River. Now, it doesn't matter why, but I'm friends with some alligators. I waited until the Gators circled around our boat, and then I said, Newt, I want to show you something.
And I lifted up my sundress, and I whipped out my Harry Connick Jr. Why do you call it your Harry Connick Jr. Because it's a talented little Cajun. let me help you picture it, Seth. it looks exactly like my face, but without the glasses. I think we get it. No, okay. Now, Newt looked at it and jumped out of the boat. Can't blame him. Yeah, the Gators devoured him, or so I thought.
Well, that is an amazing story. So what's next for James Carville? I gotta get ready. I gotta date with John Bader. All right. James Carville, everybody. the range of Cajuns. Peek at the snakes. |
ClickHole | learn_attack_can_volcanoes_teach_us_anything_about_volcanoes | Volcanoes, Earth's worst mountains. From Krakatoa to the Big Bang, humans have feared volcanoes for decades. But what are they really? Get ready to be subducted into molten fact with me right now on Learn Attack. Named after the Roman god of fire, Volcanic Jacob, volcanoes are one of the most explosive landforms on Earth. They're filled with molten rock called magma, which is simply a discounted generic brand version of lava. When volcanoes erupt, a pressure differential pushes magma upwards.
This pressure without fail correlates with 100% accuracy to the Chinese stock market. Ever wonder what it would be like to go inside a volcano? You can simulate it at home by simply shaking up a two liter of Pepsi and climbing into a cremation oven. Feels good, doesn't it?
So what do volcanoes actually do? Well, the Earth's blood sugar levels are usually a healthy 180 milligrams per deciliter, but sometimes they can drop. When this happens, volcanoes perform the essential task of sucking birds into the Earth in order to extract their nutrients and keep the planet healthy. But how do volcanoes form in the first place? Well, the Earth has a natural aversion to certain types of people. When these people die, the Earth will create a volcano in that location to cleanse itself.
Pretty cool, right? And lastly, what about God?
According to the Bible, the Earth's core is comprised of an elaborate system of tunnels that God has dug, much like a gopher. Our Lord spends most of his time lost within these fetid subterranean passages crawling around on his stomach like an idiot. But sometimes he'll find his way to a volcano and stick his head out through the opening in order to try and figure out where he is.
So, feeling scared yet? Well, I might've startled you, but volcanoes shouldn't.
They're an essential part of Earth's ecosystem. To quote the late great Jane Goodall, everything in nature matters. Every plant, animal, and person has a role to play.
One time, I chucked an ape into a volcano. So, do volcanoes exist?
Well, it's impossible to say. I guess we'll just have to pray about it. Until next time, I've been David, and you just got attacked. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_steve_harvey_show_style_makeover_snl | Welcome back to Steve Harvey, my new daytime show where I give you the real. Now I want to thank Paul, the Primate Man at the Lincoln Park Zoo for sharing those animals with us. And I have a correction. the animal that I was holding was called a mama set and not a pocket monkey.
Come on now. Okay, let's go to our weekly style makeover. Okay, this is Jennifer. how you doing, darling? I'm good, Steve.
Love your suit. Oh, you like this suit? let me tell you something. stripes are slimming. Yeah, I try to have 10 stripes for every year that I've been on this earth. So this suit has 550 stripes.
Now, Jennifer, I understand that you have a problem with your man. Yes, I love Craig, but he's not the best dressed guy. let's take a look at Craig. Lord have mercy. I mean, he's great. I just want him to have more style. Well, you came to the right place. we took Craig and gave him our style makeover. and here he is. let's bring out Craig. look great. How you like your new little Craig? hey, everybody. it's a little bright. I feel like an Iranian Dj, so. that's good. that means you're a player. players make the world go round. All right, now let me break down Craig's look for y'all.
First of all, the suit got to be bright. I mean, you should be able to disappear into a tub of skittles. And then he's got a good, long vest here. Yeah, you want a vest that starts at your lawns and works its way up to your chest just underneath that tie that has a knot bigger than your face. And then he's got the signature Steve Harvey three-pointed pocket square. Yeah, I like a pocket square that has three titties like that girl in Toto Rico. And look at his mustache. it's big. Yeah, it should be. You see, you want a mustache that goes all the way around your mouth and frames it like a frown. that way, when you smile, it's a surprise.
See, watch me. Now, watch me. now you try.
There you go.
Well, you look great, Craig. that is our signature style makeover. So how do you like his new look, darling? Oh, it's exciting. I feel like I'm dating a Dick Tracy villain. Well, after Craig's makeover, we sent these two out on a date. you want to tell us about that? Yeah, we took all of your recommendations.
We started at a restaurant called Mahogany, which features comfort food and R&b music from the 70s. we ate stewed okra and listened to an Earth, Wind, and Fire cover band called Dirt, Water, and Heat. Whoo-hoo! Whoo, Mahogany!
You know, I host a gospel brunch day on Tuesdays. yeah, they knew you there. We had the Steve Harvey Sunday. Yeah, so cute. a scoop of ice cream wearing a tiny fedora. Well, I believe we have a picture. now, that's called classicism. Then we had to go home because I kept getting mobbed by people who thought I was the white guy from Boys to Men until they realized there was no white guy in Boys To Men. that ain't no white guy in Boys To Men. that ain't no white guy in Boys to Men.
Okay. since Craig and Jennifer's date went so well, we are sending them on an all-expenses paid vacation. Really? Wow. that's right. Craig, Jennifer, you are going to see the African Premiere of Think Like A Man. in Dakar, Senegal, that's over in Africa. Yeah, we'll provide you with all inoculations and 24-hour armed security. how does that sound? Great. I'm not going to say no on Tv in front of everybody. Well, you earned it, player. All right, coming up on Steve Harvey, can hot sauce prevent impotence? we'll see. stay with us. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_To_The_Rescue_Our_Only_Hope_A_Men_s_Rights_Activist_Fired_Up_More_March_11 | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. We've got two of our upstart crack journalists here with me today. We've got Wendell Hussey. Hello, Wendell. Hello, Clancy.
How are you? Good, thanks. And we've got Effie Bateman. How are you, Effie? Yeah, good, good.
We're getting the news today. Wendell's going to take the back seat. Can you start with today's headline, please? Yes, so Scotty has calmed down flood victims by replacing Africa Lyric with Lismore in a stirring Toto cover.
Yes, it's been another tough week in flood-affected regions with plenty of people calling out for greater state and federal assistance. Prime Minister Scott Morrison was in isolation for seven days and therefore was unable to declare a national emergency and send proper assistance to the region, apparently. That's two, actually, of the most notable and concerning symptoms of coronavirus not being able to help people or send them any money.
Eventually, he did get out and made his way up north to the northern rivers and made quite an impression. He did, Clancy. Media were actually banned from the majority of his trip up there for some weird, weird reason, but they were actually allowed to get pictures for a small period of time. And that was when he busted out the ukulele and treated the town to an incredible rendition of that big Toto hit Effie just mentioned there, which was quite impressive, apparently. As he said, there was nothing more that a hundred ADF or troops could ever do. Very good. Media were then handcuffed and blindfolded again immediately after the concert, as he chopped off into the sky.
Opposition leader Anthony Albanese is apparently getting up there sometime this weekend, depending on whether he's got drinks with media elites or not, and our next headline follows this developing story. A bloke who can't roll out flood recovery, carrying on like he can protect us from global superpower. Yes, that's right. Talking about Scotty banging on about China there, despite the fact that it took him the better part of a week to move a couple of hundred troops just a few kilometers up the coast, our Prime Minister is continuing to make lots and lots of noise about the fact that only he can save us from an imminent Chinese invasion. Yes, fronting the webcam while chucking a sickie, the Prime Minister warned us that we must stay strong in the face of the arc of autocracy. That came after he continued to bang on about the Labor Party being the choice of the Chinese Communist Party and politicizing the issue of national security more generally. An interesting angle to push ahead of this car key election. Yes, there was a good comment on that story from Peter Frere. He said, as a Lismore resident, the conversations that have been had up there are, can you imagine if we were really under attack?
Just clearing this up, I'm in the ADF who are on the ground and are keen to help. It's a complete lack of overview and coordination that's frightening. I'm not blaming them for the late arrival. These guys and girls don't make that decision. That's higher up from the ground there in Lismore.
International Women's Day, local men's rights activists psyched himself up for a big day online. Yes, I mean, this article was an interesting one, caused a lot of controversy, some very angry comments. Errol Parker himself, he actually said he had a couple of mates from those outdoor trips that he goes away on, said his mates did not look too favorably upon this, called it a character assassination that you published, Clancy. Yeah, well, look, you can call it that if you want. It was simply a one on one interview with a local men's rights activist where he presented his point of view. And I reported on that. That's all I did. The World of Warcraft enthusiast was getting quite wound up, especially when he delivered this quote to me.
This day is divisive. It creates a divide in society and tearing families apart. Even my stupid mum knows that.
Get back to me when there's an International Men's Day. Yeah, unfortunately, it's sometime in November, isn't it? The International Men's Day, but doesn't quite fit in with his agenda. It's lost on this Mensa Club.
Entertainment news now, and the Arabs are relieved to be finally handing the Hollywood movie bad guy stereotype back to Russians. Yes, it's a huge relief, apparently, after nearly 20 years of being terrorists, getting shot by American snipers, blown up by Iron Man, or receiving a green stick fracture from some Bruce Willis type. The World's Arab people say they are very excited to lob that onscreen grenade back over to the Russkies, obviously with what's happening in Ukraine there. Yes, a Russian spokesperson we had a chat to said they are keen to once again be the nuclear missile holding sex worker trafficking prison tattoo recipients that Hollywood presented them as for the whole Cold War. In fact, there was a time when Rambo, John Rambo of Sylvester Stallone fame, teamed up with the Middle Easterns, the Afghans, to defeat the Russians with rocket launches in the early 80s.
I think that was Rambo 2. Yeah, that's when they were the good guys. It's incredible how quickly it changes, isn't it? Well, it was around the time they started using American guns back on us that they became the bad guys. That's right, the Taliban. The Taliban, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like they were put there by the American government.
Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in. We'll get you next time. Get your insect repellent. We're not going to say why, just get it.
Bye. |
dropout | clock_suckers_abe_hole | This week's episode, Ape Hole. This doesn't seem right. Yeah, something about this just seems very wrong.
What are you talking about? These guys? I picked them up in the 1860s. They're just cleaning up the place. It's cool. Slaves? Don't be ashamed of yourself, Ben. What? Me?
You've killed like 10 people. You tried to kill Tanner last week.
It's true. I remember. Oh.
So you think murdering someone is worse than slavery? Yes, I do. On the bad scale, murder is worse than slavery. Oh, so now you want to legalize slavery?
What are you talking about? I didn't say that. I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.
Whatever. I'll just bring him back. You know what, Tanner? I guess I was a little messed up when I tried to kill you. How about I make it up to you? All right. Cool with me. But you gotta be on top.
I like to keep my sex movements to a minimum. Ugh. We are not. We are not going to have sex.
Just a movie and some lunch.
In fact, written Morocco, you guys want to come? Yeah, I'm down. Yeah.
This is your stop. Slavery's abolished. You're free to go. I hope you die, White Devil. Goodbye to you too, Momotu. So you're, uh, free and slaves, huh?
You know who set that up, right? Yeah, right here. This guy. Yeah, no shit, stovepipe. Everybody knows that. Everybody? Nice. So why the hell are you riding around in a bathtub? Oh, that?
I'm from the future. Oh, the future?
I've been meaning to check that shit out. Well, we just got this thing called an Oreo pizza. I gotta tell you, this thing is amazing. Oh, the previews.
In a world of uncertainty. Hello? Where it's not safe to be alone. Danger lurks around every corner. Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
You could use a little help. Looks like you're trying to rob this lady. Want some help? What? Looks like you're trying to rob this lady. Want some help? Looks like you're trying to rob this lady. Shut up! Looks like you wanna die. Want some help? This Christmas, get attached to a new kind of hero. Clippy. Thank you so much. How can I possibly repay you? Looks like you wanna drop those panties. Want some help?
Awesome. So, my face is on the penny and the five? Hey, Blinken, is the dope. Don't get too excited. Nobody really uses pennies anymore, and that five just got a pretty gay redesign, so I wish- Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Where's the money with your face on it? Oh, that's right. You don't have any. Well, until then, how about you stop being a money face hater and go get me a beer dead? There, spaz.
Come on, I just had the place cleaned up. Man, that movie sucked balls. I wish Spider-Man would just come out of closet already.
What's up, Babe Blinken? Hey, what's up, Firebush? Charlie Brown? What's up, Abraham?
Yeah, I didn't even care about the movie.
Hey, grit, you think you could build me my own Clippy? Yeah, sure. It's not like I have anything better to do than build you a worthless talking paperclip. So Abe, you feel like checking out your memorial or anything like- Yay. Let's get tagged. Come on, man.
Stop. This place was all clean. Yeah, Abe. It was packed. Hey, thanks, Kate. No problem.
Now let's play some beer pong. You got fire in that belly. Just like you got fire in that bush. You're gross.
Yeah, I know. Come on, Tina. Knock this down. Looks like you're playing beer pong. Want some help? No, no, Clippy. I got it. Just let me catch it right here. Dude, that thing's fucking annoying. I know. All right, come on. Here's a hint. Shoot for the cop.
No!
There's a hint. Shoot for the cop. God damn it, Clippy. Give over, suckers. Looks like we won. Poor score in seven beers ago. Pound the fight's mail life. Looks like you need a new table. Want some help?
I, uh, I couldn't help but notice you traded my TV for a mailbox. Straight up. Awesome. And that dump in the shower? I told you.
I don't like that toilet. Right, but that doesn't really explain why we're here.
All right. I'm going to go take a nap in your bed. Oh, if you're doing a load, take care of those. Watch out for the skin marks. Leave the yellow part, though. I like that. As character.
Any chance you're going home today? No way, Rumi.
I love it here. Fantastic. This day just keeps getting better. This is new.
Hey, grit. A little help? Oh, yeah. Let me check.
Ebe Lincoln. Abs Lincoln? Abe, asshole. Abe.
Okay. Well, it looks like today is the day Lincoln was supposed to die. Since he's still alive, it's messing everything up in the present. Oh, that's good. That's just what I wanted to happen. So now what? Well, I see it. We got two choices. One, we just live like this. Or two, you kill Lincoln. Ah, no sweat. Kate, murder him up. Normally I would, but I'm trying to cut back. Fine. Hey, Abe. Wake up. We're, uh, we're going to go to the theater. I don't know if I can do this. All right, just one second.
I'm just sitting here, jerking off. Just girl on girl porn. Butt naked on your brand new sheets.
Just a few more strokes. Three. And two. That's a bingo.
Ah, all right. Ship, ship. Let's get moving. Okay, I'm ready to kill him now.
They will use them chasing me! Ah, sucker! With your pitchfork in your new seat! Ah, sucker! Ah, some accomplished!
What am I doing? I can't do this. Looks like you ought to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. Want some help? Sweet, here you go. Knock yourself out. |
dropout | hardly_working_stage_names | I'm thinking of changing my name.
What? Why?
I want to be famous. Dan Gerwich is not a famous person's name, it has no... You can't just change your name. Are you kidding me? Celebrities do it all the time.
Look at Woody Allen. What about him? He was born Allen Stewart Conigsberg. Huh. What about Drew Barrymore? You mean Andrew Barrymore?
Michael Christian Hammermocker. John Bon Jovi. Jonathan Bonnethin Jeviathan.
Ray Liotta? Raisin Liotta.
Kenny G? Kenneth G. Gote.
Hulk Hogan. Archibald Hogan Hulke.
Theodore Geisel. So Dr. Seuss.
Vincent Deisel. Liv Tyler? Liv Free or Ty Harge.
She was named after the movie. Actually fun fact, she didn't have a name until she was 30 years old. Meryl Streep.
Bob Sugar. Seal. Peel.
R. Kelly. Argentine Kelly Kapowski.
That makes sense. Larry David. Lardanian Nightmare. I can see why I changed that. Yeah, his last name was Nightmare. Prince?
Freddie Prince Jr. Oh, so Fats Domino is Farts Dildo Dominus. Farts Dildo Dominus.
And Shia LaBeouf. Shia Labine.
Andy Warhol. Andrew Warhol.
So his last name is The Lion King Chant. The Lion King Chant was his last name. Damon Wayans Jr. Diamond Wyant Sr. He changed his name from Sr. to Jr. because it was too Jewish.
Farrah Fawcett. The Reverend Furious Fogg. Wow. Yeah.
So what's your new name going to be? |
cracked | why_living_in_a_shakespeare_play_would_suck_with_sam_richardson | I see them too. The four kids with the... those things? Yeah, I see them. I don't know if they're wearing braces, though.
It's hard to see, because it's almost night. When darkness veils and all art in a bed, do crush this herb upon yawn lover's head.
Would it be... can we start over? Just... I'm sorry, I'm having just a bitch of a time with the language.
Whose liquor hath this mystic property to make all anger from his aspect fly. Aspect in what sense? Yet careful be not to disturb his sword, lest ardor thwart our purpose. I'm a lord.
Is that a bit? Are we doing a bit? It sounded like a bit.
Also, he finished your sentence, so that was weird. And as that very moment lies unfurled, his mistress shall have likewise. So... to Earl.
Oh no, me? No, no, I thought... See, this whole... that's not what you did. This whole time I thought we were talking about, like, Anne Earl, like some nobleman Earl. Not the... with an E at the end, you know?
I'm sorry, I'm just picking up words as I can. Oh, ****, this broke. I'm sorry.
Why, dear Earl, our flight must hasten thee. Earl, would there were but time to chasten thee?
See, she gets it, the way the language... It's... like, I don't know what she's... what that was just there, but she sounds like how you do. So, maybe this feels like a... a... a Sarana joke. Sarana's toil is harder now by far, thou angel-thing, as constant as a star.
Get thy light betwixt the northern pines to grasp Earl's antidote. That rhymes. It did it. I'm part of it now. Are things better? Everyone seems really stressed now. Of course, my lord, I do so as you did. Yet Earl has got my goat. The solid kid. Oh, rhymes and everything looks good.
You practiced that? Did she practice that?
Gather it, did you know about this? We warp the weft of worlds with gall and glee. Oh, what a wicked sort we ferries. Okay, I think I got it now. Um, the language that y'all spit and swallow is crazy hard for Earl to follow. If we could please, maybe, to start over.
I could come up with something. F*** me. I don't want this anymore. By my troth, whilst night still cloaks me high away, for sooth to aether might I sprite thee stray.
What? That's an exit line? That's a thing you can say and it makes sense to leave after it? Uh, after which one can? What? No, I don't want this anymore.
Be naught of feared, so y'all shall not tarry. Thou scaped the poison frick, unwary fairy. A lot of that sounded mean, but uh, poison? We're gonna poison the kids? I'm gonna end up killing these kids, man.
Is that yes? Kill them? Or, I just, do you want me to kill these kids?
I feel like at a base level I need that much clarification. Exzunt! Yeah, no, I know. It means f***ing leave! Okay? Be the name of the bard and blank verse ex-f***ing-zunt. Hey, geez, I'm gonna leave this with you. Don't leave the- take the thing! Look at how good you do when you speak like I do.
Go kill those kids, I guess. No, don't kill the kids! Come back! More dead kids on my hands.
Roll sound. Roll camera. And, action!
Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibural, King of the Fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked channel. Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're gonna make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh my god, I'm sorry. Okay, seriously though? Raid and subscribe, okay?
That- no, I'm doing it! I'm- Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Y'all know his name, it's William motherf***ing Shakespeare!
I- I see them, too. The four kids with the- those things, yeah, I see them.
I don't know if they're wearing braces, though. It's- it's hard to see. Because it's- it's almost night.
When darkness veils, and all art in a bed, do crush this herb upon your lover's head. Would it be- can we start over? Just- I'm sorry, I'm having just a- a bitch of a time with the language. Whose liquor hath this mystic property, to make all anger from his aspect fly. Aspect in what sense? Yet careful be, not to disturb his sword, lest ardor thwart our purpose.
I'm alone. Ha ha ha!
Is that a bit? Are we doing a bit? It sounded like a bit.
Also, he finished your sentence, so that was weird. And as that very moment lies unfurled, his mistress shall have likewise. So, to Earl. Oh no, me? No, no, I thought- see, this whole- that's not what you did. This whole time I thought we were talking about, like, Anne Earl, like, some nobleman Earl. Not the- with an E at the end, you know?
I'm sorry, I'm just- I'm just picking up words as I can. Oh, ****, this broke. I'm sorry.
Why, dear Earl, our flight must hasten thee. Earl, would there were but time to chasten thee?
See, she gets it, the way the language- it's- like, I don't know what she's- what that was just there, but she sounds like how you do. So, maybe this feels like a- a- a Sarana joke. Sarana's toil is harder now by far, thou angel think, as constant as a star, shed thy light betwixt the northern pines to grasp Earl's antidote. That rhymes.
I did it. I'm part of it now.
Are things better? Everyone seems really stressed now.
Of course, my lord, I do so as you did. Yet Earl has got my goat. The solid kid. Oh, rhymes and everything looks good.
You practice that? Did she practice that?
Gather it, did you know about this? We warp the weft of worlds with golf and glee. Oh, what a wicked sort we ferries. Okay, I think I gotta know. Um, the language that y'all spit and swallow is crazy hard for Earl to follow. If we could please, maybe, to start over.
I could come up with something. F*** me. I don't want this anymore. By my troth, whilst night still cloaks me, I await, for sooth to aether, might I sprite me stray.
What? That's an exit line? That's a thing you can say and it makes sense to leave after it? Uh, after which one can? What?
No, I don't want this anymore. Be naught afeared. Salyana shall not tarry. Thou scaped the poison frick, unwary fairy. A lot of that sounded mean, but, uh, poison?
We're gonna poison the kids? I'm gonna end up killing these kids, man. I hope you know that.
Stop thy blather. Precious minutes waste. Get thee hence and to the deed with haste.
Is that yes? Kill them? Or, I just, do you want me to kill these kids?
I feel like at a base level, I need that much clarification. Exzunt. Yeah. No, I know. It means f***ing leave. Okay? Okay.
In the name of the bard and blank verse, ex f***ing zunt. Hey, geez, I'm gonna leave this with you. Don't leave the- take the thing! Look at how good you do when you speak like I do.
Go kill those kids, I guess. No, don't kill the kids! Cat, come back! More dead kids on my hands.
Roll sound. Roll camera and action.
Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibural, king of the fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked channel. Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're gonna make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh my god, I'm sorry. Okay, seriously though, rate and subscribe, okay?
No, I'm doing it! I'm- ha ha ha! Y'all know his name, it's William motherf***ing Shakespeare! |
TheOnion | Perfectly_Good_Tire_Just_Sitting_There_Behind_The_Kroger | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. Now, regular fact zone viewers know that we sometimes like to take a break from the hard-hitting headlines and bring you a snapshot of American life. So let's turn now to Onion local affiliate WONN5 from Pennington, Illinois, for tonight's Eye on the Nation. You've probably heard the talk.
Apparently, a perfectly good tire is just sitting there behind the Kroger. That's right, Diane. The tire, which isn't flat or anything, was first spotted by Kroger Deli manager Calvin Etridge. I came out for my smoke break, and there was this tire just sitting there. It looks almost new. I mean, hell, I take it myself, but I got a Silverado, and those need the 17-inch. Experts like the mechanic who rents a room from Calvin's mother were brought in to confirm the tire's quality. That's a good tire. A tire like that, at least 60 bucks. Kroger security camera footage confirms that the tire had been sitting there for at least a day, which raises more questions than it answers. I don't know who left that tire there. One, someone left a rake, but they came back and got it. Several people have made attempts to find the tire a home. I called my nephew about the tire.
He's a bank manager at Fairpoint.
But I'm just concerned that someone's going to pick it up before he can get here. Now, I don't dare. My doctor would kill me if I lifted that thing myself. I've got a bad back.
Mayor Sue Hallinan even weighed in on the tire issue, speaking to reporters earlier today. We all know the tire situation is extremely delicate. Whoever snatches that thing up first, we all know somebody else is going to come forward and say it's their tire. Remember what happened when Mr. Davis put that couch out on the curb and then tried to take it back once he saw Toby already loading it onto his truck? As of this hour, no one has claimed the tire. I repeat, the tire is still sitting out behind the Kroger. What do you think, Diane? Are you going to go after that tire? You know it. |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_david_wain | I'm Michael Showalter, and this is the Michael Showalter Showalter, and my guest tonight is filmmaker and comedian David Wayne. Yes. Hi, David. Hi.
Thank you for being here. It is my obligation.
You made this movie, The Ten. The Ten.
So what's the reaction been like? At the question and answer sessions, they mostly say, what's Michael Showalter like in real life. And what is Michael Showalter like in real life?
I wouldn't know. Say three mean things about Michael Black. He's unfeeling. That's one. He's dismissive. Two. He's... Eracist. He's an elitist. Thank you, man.
That was great. That was really funny. That was fun to do.
This is a big coffee thing. You want coffee? I can't drink coffee anymore.
My stuff has been bad. I have to like leave meetings and stuff in the middle to have these like explosive shits and like, I mean that's horrible. I was out with my girlfriend and I was doing these like, what are you doing?
You're not, I don't want, I seriously don't want this part on me. No, he's probably turning it off.
The funny part about Wet Hot American Summer at Sundance was everyone packed the theater and then at the end, nobody wanted to buy it. Do you think that it was in any way that it wasn't well directed? I think that there's only so much you can direct if you don't have the right cast. At the very least, your main character was well cast. We cast all the characters based on who would be right for the role except for your role which was like we had to give you something while I was directing. Yeah, or not. I mean, I just felt like what I read a lot was that it wasn't well directed. It's funny because I just remember the Gotham Awards being nominated for the Open Palm Awards for a paper.
I don't remember if you won it or not. Did you? Don't think it's relevant. No, honestly, because I don't remember. Did you win? No, I'm just wondering. Did you win? Okay, but did I win for Best Actor?
No.
My ass is just like red and sore and I feel bloated all the time from like a sexual. Can you?
Don't shoot this. We're not shooting. We're not shooting any of it. Well, I wouldn't. Look, it's off. The cameras are off.
Are they? Yeah. No, they're just setting up for the next thing. Basically, it's just been a problem sexually.
As a director, what would you say is your favorite angle? I guess regular angle. Okay. What is aperture? Good. I'm glad to have a chance to explain this.
Willem Dafoe. For Dafoe, I mean he's not, I have never met him.
You know, I want to fuck with him. You want to what? I want to fuck.
And then like we're getting into it but I can feel it sort of seeping out my ass. Like I don't want to ever be on the bottom because I'm afraid it's going to seep into the bedspread.
Right. You guys are getting better? Yeah. Okay. What? I thought, guys, if anyone's got their cameras on, turn them off. I want to throw out some names of other directors and I want you to just free associate. Great.
I would start with Breathless. Right. What would beat some others? In a way, the truth is I would almost start and end with Breathless because it so encapsulates his world view. Just for the hell of it. And that's just for the hell of it. Name any other movie by Jean-Luc Godard. I mean, I wouldn't even know where to start. But just start anywhere. What was that one? Masculine Famine. That would be another.
Do you need to go to the bathroom now? I kind of do. All right. Well, go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. All right. See you. All right.
Yeah. You okay in there, buddy? Yeah. Because I just want to know if you're okay. Jesus fucking Christ, get the fuck away from me.
Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you, David. Thank you. And thank you for watching.
And we'll see you next time on the Michael Showalter Showalter. |
cracked | how_die_hard_almost_made_bruce_willis_deaf | For a while, Bruce Willis was the coolest man on the planet, but as the years have piled up, he has slowly morphed into a cantankerous coot. A coot who could kick your ass, sure. But a coot nonetheless.
But there's a good reason why he appears so constantly frustrated, craning his neck and furrowing his brow as if he's struggling mightily to keep up with the flow of conversation. That reason, Die Hard. The man, it turns out, sacrificed his physical well-being to bring us the scruffy perfection that is John McLean. In his own words, or rather, in his words, But in my imperfect impression of him, due to an accident on the first Die Hard, I suffered two-thirds partial hearing loss in my left ear, and have a tendency to say, what? So he's not just being willfully obtuse for the sake of being obnoxious, it seems. After all, it's no coincidence that Die Hard is an anagram for I'd heard, as in I had heard, as in past tense, meaning I can't anymore. I mean, it is a coincidence, but sometimes pretending it's fun. Apparently, a gun went off near his ear while filming. And the point is, don't judge Bruce too harshly when he grumps like a gramps every time he gets near a microphone. It could also explain his bad choices. For all we know, when someone said, do you want to make a fifth Die Hard? What he had heard was, do you want to taste some fly chard? And he reflexively said, hell yes, because who doesn't want to get down with some cool healthy veggies?
Hey everyone, thank you for watching. Whatever that video was, click the big C in the middle to subscribe. If you haven't already, click either of the videos next to me. Click the new YouTube bell for notifications to get turned on. Also, we have launched a contribution page so you can support the site if we've ever made you laugh or think in any way, and you want us to keep making videos and articles. If you have some spare change, kick some more away! |
TheOnion | Report_Typical_City_Bus_Contains_No_Fewer_Than_Four_Erections_At_Any_Given_Time | An entire train ride is spent deciding if and when to use the bathroom, a dangerous intersection is causing some pretty cool accidents, and a new report finds that a typical city bus contains no fewer than four erections at any given time. You begged and pleaded like mewling infants for a transit-themed summary of this week's news, thus here is the Onion Week in Review Transportation Edition. In Albany, a Greyhound bus crash claimed 30 miserable lives Tuesday, finally putting over two dozen deadbeat fathers, penniless drug addicts, and hapless bastards out of their misery. Emergency crews at the scene of the merciful accident described the sea of fast food bags, candy bar wrappers, and losing lottery tickets surrounding the crash site as utterly tragic, adding that the scorched corpses inside the bus were, quote, only slightly more lifeless than before the deadly accident. Evidence suggests that most of the victims suffered during the crash and for many years before they even boarded the bus. All I can say is, thank God no one made it. Al Qaeda is refusing to carry out any further terrorist attacks until the U.S. mass transportation infrastructure is drastically improved, calling the country's roads and bridges a, quote, travesty, unbecoming of a developed First World nation. We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we took credit for making them collapse, no one would ever believe us. The terrorist group demanded the U.S. step into the 21st century and build a high-speed rail line, which they claim to be both an efficient mode of transportation and something actually worth destroying.
According to a Stanford University study released Wednesday, there is no logical reason why planes are able to fly. Reiterating that they fully understand the concepts of lift, thrust, and propulsion, lead physicists told reporters they were still unable to reasonably explain how a large 500,000-pound object is capable of staying up in the air without falling. We've come up with several theories, including wind propulsion, some sort of gravity suspension effect, also the possibility that the clouds pull the plane skyward, but beyond that, just don't understand how a large metal tube could just kind of float in the air like that. And it's going at like 500 miles per hour, which means that when I'm on a plane, I'm also going 500 miles per hour? I mean, that's crazy. I mean, why is my hair blowing back and forth? The Stanford team added they plan to devote the next two years to a new study on why telephones can hear.
And in local news, an area man goes and gets himself hit by a goddamn bus. In other news, an urban planner is stuck in traffic of his own design. An underground railroad carries slaves from Brooklyn to Manhattan, and a kid screams behind a passenger during an entire plane crash. Nothing but miles of open road ahead, and you choose to sit at a computer watching a web video instead. Live a little asshole, or visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat for more. |
TheOnion | Ashamed_Student_Affairs_Committee_Reveals_There_Aren_t_Any_Awesome_Events_This_Weekend | After notifying students that there will be no awesome events happening on campus this weekend, Hamilton College Activity Board Coordinator Jessica Wilson from the class of 2015 spoke to Onion reporters about the disappointingly empty days ahead. On behalf the entire campus activities board, I would like to truly apologize for failing to live up to the standards expected of us from everyone on campus. The fact is, we let the school down. Wilson said that while the board is usually proficient at booking plenty of cool events for all students to participate in, the upcoming weekend will have no interesting lectures, no wrestling match against Amherst, no acoustic coffee house, and no outdoor movie screening of Silver Linings Playbook. We tried our best to organize a foam party in Dunham Quad for Friday night, but all the foam machines were rented and we failed.
This falls on us. We realize we don't deserve your trust yet, nor do we expect it, but we'll do everything we can to restore your confidence in us, starting with a comedy hypnotist show on Thursday at Minor Theatre. Tickets are |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_243_Robert_Forster_From_The_Go_Betweens | You've got myself editor Clancy Overall and of course this week I'm joined by Wendell Hussey the eternal cadet turned lifestyle editor, sometimes sports editor. How you been mate? Yeah I've been good thanks Clancy, getting back into it for the year as you said.
Eternal cadet, look one day I'll work my way up. One day you'll get on one of the big jobs.
This might be the day actually, we've got an icon of Australian music icon but I think for all intents and purposes we're going to say Queensland icon because when we're talking about music, Queensland often suffers a bit of a brain drain south and I wouldn't say that today's guest would have been a part of that because Robert Forster from the go betweens bypassed those greedy southern cities of Melbourne and Sydney and you know went on tour around the world, straight from Brisbane. But he never sold out. Never sold out, always stayed true and as we speak to you now, back home in Brisbane Robert?
Yes I am, I am in suburban Brisbane and very happy and yeah it's not too hot today, it's been a magic summer. Very mild and the last week it's picked up and sort of reminded us of how tough it can be but today is a little bit better and yeah lovely to be talking to you guys. Now I want to talk to you a little bit about what has informed your career.
Firstly geographically we're talking about Queensland, you know you would have seen some hot summers and I feel like the climate, particularly when the go betweens first started politically and you know weather patterns, everyone around Queensland can kind of, isolation was a big factor back then too I imagine you know actually being you know your own little kingdom up there in Queensland but what was it, where did you come from before Brisbane? Were you always born and bred Brisbane? Yes yeah I was born, the first five years of my life were in, lived around Playfield and Hendra which is where my family were living, like extended family which is more like oldie worldie nice suburbs of Brisbane and then my parents sort of went out to one of the new suburbs and like so you know like you know building a house on a like an estate type thing in the very early 60s and basically I'm in the same suburb and it's where I grew up so all of that sort of upbringing and the last 20 years of my life have been quite static, it's between about 1980 and 2000, year 2002 that I was sort of moving around a lot more.
Now I'm going to surprise you here because while you are one of our great musicians there's also our hidden talents and I've done a bit of research I'm going to read you read you a little something that came from a school newsletter many months ago. Robert Forster is another bowler of great promise, he claimed three wickets but this was due more to a lack of opportunity than anything else, his perseverance and ability should be duly rewarded in the future in spite of the inhibiting factors which confront all Spin Bowlers in the competitive style of the schoolboy one day matches. Where did you get that from? The archives of your high school. Alright yep yep. Was that ever a thing, was that ever on the cards?
Well I mean the world of Spin Bowling in Australia can be divided into two halves. There's Before Shane Warne and there's After Shane. I was wondering if that was the before and after moment? That's the subtext of what you're reading there. It's basically you know back in the 70s when I was playing at school and then I played some great cricket in Brisbane for a couple of years you know like the spinner would be brought on when you know two batsmen were completely entrenched hitting the quick bowlers all over the park and then the spinner would come on you know at three for 200 you know what I mean and you expected it to. But then Warne came and changed everything and now when I walk around the suburbs and I see kids playing in the parks everyone's bowling leg spin you know like you see a complete mix up that did not happen back in the 70s you know like being a spinner was a really hard job and that's what I sort of I think that cut a lot of careers short you know like I think spinners just gave up really and then came the revolution and now it's a whole different game and it's great to walk around and see spinners you know just playing suburban cricket and of course that goes all the way through now to international cricket you know. So you know Shane Warne he changed cricket you know like that's no exaggeration. Yeah I mean a lot of people don't like it when we do this but we are drawing a metaphor between sport and art right now and you know back in the era you're telling us you were a spin bowler pre-Shane in the era of Dennis and Lily. Yes. 20 BSW before Shane Warne.
Yeah 20 BSW BSKW and so there is a metaphor into your music as well at the time because Brisbane had a sound and you guys were doing something different even though your sound is obviously synonymous with your home and there's now a bridge named after you all. Tell us what that was like what was the climate like when you guys first started packing up the car bumping in bumping out. When we started to do that it was well punk rock came along and changed a lot and this would be the same for bands like the Triffids in Western Australia or bands in Sydney and Melbourne to an extent basically before that you had to have about three hours of cover versions you know like you had to be able to play you know Led Zeppelin IV so that weeded out a lot of people so bands were like very proficient at playing cover versions and suddenly punk came along and if you had something to say and if you could write some songs that were saying something no matter what the door was suddenly open and that's when the go-betweens came in that's when a lot of bands came in around very 1978 and the Brisbane scene like the punk scene the post-punk scene in Brisbane you know from 1978 on you know like the next couple of years was very vibrant was very good and so everyone was very supportive of each other and so there was just a change from three hour cover version bands to 20 minute bands and that's when the go-betweens came in. Was there a lot of songs and songs written about smoking bongs back then? So it feels like a lot of Brisbane punk now? No, Brisbane was well if you did you'd have the Queensland police force you know like at your door the next day because of the police state you know and the corruption of the Queensland Jokey Peterson government they sort of you know like were very much against the punk scene and were you know very visible and it was a very very you know like no one was writing about that because a lot of people were writing political stuff you know like those political punk bands and really the police were so omnipresent that you wouldn't want to write it like it was a very it's hard to get your head around what it was like everyone that didn't have a straight job and out in the suburbs like there was a sense of paranoia in the streets especially with any sub-cultural or any artistic endeavour that was taking place in Brisbane people were freaked out by the cops who could really just turn up and do anything they wanted. Well I you know we've met Kev Comedy over the years and Kev says there was a time where he didn't even keep a phone in the house I want to kind of ask you about that we interviewed a band the other day actually called Speed as a hardcore band the interview will be coming out in the next few weeks they're a hardcore band from Sydney they said the appeal to them as a young Asian kid starting a band like that was the subculture they found themselves in they're at these gigs and they felt that danger that you get in a mosh pit of a hardcore show and I know that hip-hop is a similar thing going to these shows and it's gangster and it's this and that and people there's an appeal in the danger was there a sense of danger in those rooms of those political and then just punk shows in Brisbane at the time was there a feeling that the cops could bust down the door at any minute? Yeah there definitely was and it happened at shows where I were at but also from the audience like the Brisbane scene had definitely in the very early like 1978 there was definitely a more a violent edge to it which had basically come from the violent edge that was in you know around the sort of sex pistols in London that was in Brisbane too like there was a lot of threat but I never felt it I mean obviously you know like from other bands but there was like a very much a working class Brisbane contingent that were in punk that were you know like it was always a sense of menace and a sense of aggression we never had any problems and it never really flared up but it wasn't for show you know like there was punk bands and people in punk bands that it was very real to them and that sense of menace and suppressed violence was very much there but you know like that was you know like amidst you know like almost friends at shows completely separated from what the police could do and their intentions it was almost like it came with the scene and the music just that sort of sense of violence it was probably you know the same in Sydney to an extent or anywhere in that 1977-78 time and the cops were obviously a whole other thing and that's what you really had to worry about How did you feel with those kind of bands and those kind of audiences as your contemporaries? I'm sure you were on a lot of line ups and you know you guys weren't really singing about kicking heads in No, no but they sort of respected what we were doing and they could see that we were real in how we were and it all sort of worked out it freaked me out to an extent because I never really been around you know like I wasn't a seasoned rock show goer before I rock gig because you know I didn't want to go and see cover version bands so much so it was sort of an initiation to me to be at gigs anyway when the go-between started but with the other bands I mean they probably thought that we were pretentious you know like university arty people but they could see that we were real and we were who we are which I think counted for something So you're saying the kind of education I mean you'd met at university which is a different story for a lot of people but they could see that it wasn't from a position of privilege it was from a position of passion Yeah, yeah I mean our music was very simple you know like very straight forward you know like it sort of came from the first Ramones album and the first Jonathan Richmond and the Modern Lovers album you know like we had sort of our first couple years were quiet although we weren't playing quick 60 pop music our music was quite garage you know like we liked the Velvet Underground a lot and so a lot of the Harder Edge punk bands really loved the Velvets as well so we had things in common you know like it wasn't like it was some sort of prog band I mean we wouldn't be there anyway but there was a musical appreciation and an understanding and also the other thing was there was like three or four hundred people in the scene so everyone had to sort of make room for each other anyway you know like there couldn't be civil war or something like that because what's the point you know like we had so much around us against us and you know the cultural climate in Brisbane in the late 70s I think everyone just sort of realized that we're all in this together A mutual respect Yeah yeah totally You guys and yourself you had a huge audience widespread all around Australia or all around the world as well, America, Europe all that sort of stuff but it never seemed like commercial success was something that you guys were after that wasn't the main goal and the main aim was that something that you guys actively spoke about or was it just the commitment to the art that you mentioned that was you guys were trying to make music and you wanted to make the music you wanted and it kind of didn't matter if it was a commercial success or not It was a struggle especially in the 80s because there were people could see commercial aspects in our music and we love pop music as well so it was a bit confusing for record companies in the industry it was like well are you a pop band or are you not a pop band you know like are you an underground band or are you a mainstream band It was sort of unclear there was two singer songwriters in the band you know who's the lead singer who's the thing that we can focus everything on so we sort of presented a number of problems to the music industry in a way And so these sort of pressures came on us but overall you know like I thought and this is an old fashioned definition but I always thought of us as more of an album band and an album was a place where you could do a lot more than what you wanted to be as opposed to you know just trying to sort of make one hit single after another And like we were very dedicated to making great albums you know there's no two ways to do that but in the 80s that was hard there was a lot of commercial pressure as well Yeah fair and I heard there might have been something to do with a red dress in terms of commercial opportunities over in America Yeah no the myth starts to come in there's no red dress so there was a dress I was wearing a dress at certain shows and I did in LA which didn't go down well with the American Record Company But you know at the time that was just part of the whole you know we're a very interesting band and we're a very different band and that was just one thing of you know not that this is directly you know connected to the dress but like in the Go Twins there was two women in the band So we'd play festivals and we'd be on with you know 40 other bands where it was all guys and like suddenly we're there with not you know with two women in our you know like we looked different and we presented different anyway you know and the dress included it was the whole package of what we threw up there and were presenting in the late 80s 30 years ahead of Harry Styles mate he got a front page on Vogue for that Look I know that I know well it was only about 5 years 10 oh you know Kurt Cobain was doing it Evan Dando there was a rush on it also in the early mid 90s as well Glazer Trail for Shane Warne, Harry Styles Mate I'm sure they were doing it Brisbane Broncos Mad Mondays as well so I don't know It's not often that I'm ahead of my time but that's probably an example So when did you realise that you'd tapped into something you can talk about commercial success but you can also talk about a level of I guess cultural capital that results in you having a major form of you know Queensland infrastructure named after you you know that speaks volumes and I go between bridge everyone knows it everyone knows what it's named after Yes yes yes When did you realise that you were going to be one of those bands I mean maybe the bridge wasn't on the horizon as far as you could see It was never on the horizon but it just appeared but I it's a gradual process and so gradual that you almost don't even notice it happening but it is happening and so I don't know it's a gradual realisation That was obviously a big moment but there aren't all that many moments like that where you suddenly realise the stature of your band is growing or changing Yeah but it just happened over time There wasn't one gig where you were like woah ok Yeah but that didn't even be going back further I can remember we played Glastonbury in like 1986 like a big festival in the countryside in England and like suddenly we were playing to about 10,000 people there and we were really reaching them and so that was a moment where we'd been a club band and suddenly you're on a festival with 10,000 15,000 people for you and then they're not walking away So that was a moment where it's like oh this could go further we could there was opportunities there that the day before you didn't see and then suddenly it becomes apparent There was a thing particularly it's still around today but particularly when you were in your 20s was very popular for middle class working class kids in Brisbane to relocate and visit London more so than any other cities There was even a movie made about it All My Friends Are Leaving Brisbane I remember that one well What was it like for you guys as part of the Kangaroo Court the London push how did that feel and was it very much like the authors that came before you were you transplants in another city? Good question to an extent yes because it's always very hard to break into the English in London is very clicky you know like you haven't gone to it doesn't matter you know like you might not have gone to Eton and all that keeps me out of the Eton crowd But it also you know like if it's you know you haven't gone to the local high schools you haven't played in the local sports clubs you haven't got any relatives there you know like that really cuts you off and throws you into you know like we were living in areas and we were like meeting you know like a lot of Irish people and Scottish people And that's the sort of crowd that we're also moving amidst where other people that had come to London and were living you know in squats and in you know like tower blocks and stuff like that were people that had come to the cities from Dublin or Glasgow and so we were like well we're the Brisbane of that or there's a Sydney thing of that you know But obviously you know like we were mixing with Australians but also just through the meeting other bands we were meeting English people but they were in the music business or something like that there was no sort of there's very little social mobility in London it's really hard to get out of the gutter and so you realise that fairly quickly and you just get on you know and do what you've got to do I read in the Good Weekend article about you know the share houses and the life you were living over there a few names come to mind Nick Cave being one of them with people like that the kind of your careers kind of follow a similar trajectory or you're at least adjacent to each other throughout your career from that point is there a feeling when you meet someone like Nick Cave in your twenties was there a feeling then that Nick Cave is going to be Nick Cave as we know him today did you ever get those feelings or was there one of a million of them No with him he was living such a dangerous life and we're all living you know like dangerous lives but him in particular and some people that no one was really looking much beyond the next week or two and trying to find money to get by I was never thinking anyone that I was around was really thinking much beyond that it was very immediate in London because it was driven by lack of money so everyone was just like on that poverty level and also you know like particularly with Nick to be truthful I didn't know if he was going to make 30 you know so I couldn't really think of him anyway beyond that I mean he was charismatic and talented but then so was you know like Roland Howard, Mick Harvey, David McComb you know like Grant there was a lot of people I knew that were very talented and writing great songs and I never thought of David McComb becoming a rock star or Grant becoming a rock star or Nick or Roland We were too much in the trenches to really be thinking about that and there was a lot of alcohol and drugs around so who knew who was going to have a long life Can I ask when you were down in the trenches there in your 20s and maybe 30s your dad was a fitter and turner your mum was a PE teacher I believe how were they going when you were down in the trenches there were they worried were they pushing back were they asking things or did they let you just have fun Were they aware? Yeah no I think they were they never said anything I think they were worried definitely worried first of all though they were relieved because you know like I was sort of I was at university but I was failing and just all over the shop and suddenly they could see that music saved me you know like working with Grant and suddenly you know our first single comes up and I'm in the press you know I'm in the courier mail and that meant something do you know what I mean And so there's there's some respectability and they can see that I'm doing something but that's not in 78 but as the 80s go you know they'd see me on tour you know we'd come back from England and tour and then I'd spend a week or two with mum and dad and they could see I was getting thinner and that I was you know like looking weird every time I'd come back They must have been worried and then I just sort of you know mum would wash my clothes I'd eat food and sleep for a week and then I'd just go back off you know like it'd be I'm going back to London or I'm going back on this tour so they'd sort of bandage me and get me all up And they're so happy to just have you home that they're not going home Yeah they're very happy to see me home so I think that they through the 80s they could see that yeah the Creed of the Go-Betweens was going on but you know I was still the same person but you know like especially when you're home you know like any pretenses fall away but they must have seen I was getting thinner and weirder and then you know and so I was aware of that of course and yeah it was unfortunate but you know like that's just what I was going through and yeah fortunately it sort of changed and you know like life became a little bit more stable for me and for them when I was in my early 30s Now your kids are playing music too Yeah How do you engage with this lifestyle that they've you know when you look at it as something for them there's a big chance that even you know any musician today probably wouldn't be going as hard as you know I'd say a pioneers and stalwarts of rock music in Australia and Queensland but is that that's also something you now have to think about is you know do as I say don't as I did Yeah yep yep well I think I think my children you know like know my past and so they can see you know I had to pay a price you know like for my drug taking you know like I was diagnosed with hepatitis C they saw me go through you know like two years of hell in terms of treatment for that and I've talked about it with them you know like the whole shebang And so I think that they can see what I've been through and can make choices with that and as I say I've spoken you know like with them and I think all you can do is really bring up your children as best you can and be open with them and they go out into the world and you just hope that they take certain values, certain ideas, certain experiences, certain ideas with them as they confront all this sort of stuff Yeah I've been listening to Goonsacks actually your son's band I kind of want to talk now more about this family affair you're not exactly the Von Trapps but you've all been working together on this new album The Candle and the Flame can you kind of tell us a little bit about all this? Yeah it wasn't a planned album that's something that I have to say to you it was an album that came out of particular circumstances my wife Karen was diagnosed with cancer this was in July 2021 and so through her first periods of keema and I played music with Karen we've been married for 31 years at that time and so we've played music at home a lot and she's music's been something that we've done in the house just as a domestic pursuit since the time that we we met in the late 80s and so in this time of her diagnosis we we turned to music again and so we just started to play some songs at home late at night and we found that that was took us as music can into another world problems and what you're facing through the day can fall away very quickly and so we started playing some new songs that I'd written as just something to do at night to take us away from possible visits and so that grew into through a number of steps and stages into us recording sporadically some songs together with friends and family and making an album over about well six months a day here in the studio day there recorded mostly live and that's how we made The Candle and the Flame it's exciting like I know for a fact you're doing this interview with us just because you're a big fan of the tutor advocate and you felt like coming on but you are in some capacity doing a bit of a press junket right now how does it feel to be getting all those muscles moving again coming out of a pandemic especially well no that's a very good point are you like the muscles are moving and that there's a sense of excitement about doing this again doing this it's completely different though because the record is unlike anything I've done before and so it's always exciting when you put out a new record but but this is like something else and yeah like for the last three years it feels like with COVID with Karen's diagnosis we've been in something of a tunnel and suddenly coming out I'm enjoying it so is Karen a great deal like watching the reaction the record's getting and how people are responding to the two videos we've made and how people are responding to the story and you know doing the big story with Lech Blaine who did an incredible job on writing that story up and interviewing people so there's a sense of excitement and I am the busiest person in show business at the moment there's no one working harder I don't tell you guys that right now try and find someone but I'm I'm happy that there's interest there and I'm always happy to talk to the advocate you're out of the tunnel and onto the motorway you're off on tour as well in a couple of months five or six weeks I'm doing a short like in the UK and Ireland and Germany and one show in Vienna like a really packed three weeks because I can't be away too long and I'm doing a like a tour over there and then playing in Australia all over in May you as a musician and as a band member your band always had the ability to you know for whoever listened to it would feel like they were hearing a new band for the first time and I said this there's a few bands that can do that you know your band you reunited in the early 2000s somewhat 30 almost 30 years after you formed and that wasn't a reunion based on like a charity show that was back in to make music that was you know a sound of now and a sound of you guys at the time and you're feeling that right now that this is the music that you make at this time in your life and you know in somewhat of a discography this is going to you know people would be able to know when this came yes I think they would I think the last three albums that I've made have a continuity and are part of one thing although this one sounds different the songs are based on how I've been writing and working over the last 10 years I think you know through a career you know like a couple of years or even 10 years you can you can tell that's one period and I know as a writer suddenly I can write one or two songs and I go oh this is the something this is the start of something new this is I've made some breakthroughs here that I didn't even see and suddenly you're writing material that is like oh this is the next stage and then you know like I'm also like when I started to write for the monthly and I started like I suddenly got hired as a music journalist who was like oh this is something new that's come along and I guess if you have a career or you're doing it over decades then these new developments these periods that you move from one to the other will become apparent and I'm glad that I keep on moving on you know you've got to keep nourishing yourself and be open to new ideas and while keeping believing in yourself but things just mutate as well I think that's what it is mutation so you know songs that I wrote in the late 70s have mutated into what I'm doing now naturally but also just being open to new ideas helps Well we're looking forward to it and we've very honoured to have you on today as I said before an icon of Australian arts and Australian music one of Queensland's favourites Finest Queensland's finest Queensland's finest I appreciate that I just want to ask just before we go as you know in your capacity as a music journalist and somewhat of an observer of the young kids coming to the ranks now is there anything you like and is there anything that you're surprised that you're across or something that you know you listen to again Oh a variety I haven't been listening to much music over the last couple of years because I've been writing but look I like the chats Yep You know the chats? Yeah good sunshine guys boys And you know like I just I like their cheeky charm I think that you know they're in a genre of music that's been you know like well established but they they bring something new to it and I just like the idea of them being in a shed in Sunshine Coast three of them making music is like a fantastic image to me you know like a romantic image to me and I like that that's something I can relate to and I like them I like Aldous Harding from New Zealand she's a great singer songwriter too Yeah A mate of mine's got her name tattooed on him he loves it that much Wow Another mate of mine has Springhill Fair tattooed on him too and I was actually not aware because I wasn't cutting around Brisbane at this time but just before we go what was the Springhill Fair like everyone talks about it Like it was you know some sort of Notting Hill Carnival A little bit look I think the Springhill Fair you know is fondly remembered because there was so little of that sort of thing happening now you can go to three Springhill Fairs every weekend you know everyone's doing it and has been doing it for a long time I think that's why it was good in its day I only went once I think and I liked it but I think the reason it was so unusual and so forward looking to do a street festival in Brisbane in the 80s was was revolutionary But that was Grant's idea like he just sort of came up with an album title and we all liked it and you know like I'm glad we put that to you know a hometown thing like that to an album it was good it was really really nice you know and Springhill's like a lovely you know area close to the city very pretty very nice and so it was a good idea a good idea ahead of its time Well it's 2023 there's a new Robert Forster album out now and I'm making it official I'm putting a call out here on this podcast today bring back the Springhill Fair I mean we always have fun at the Caxton Seafood Beer and Rum Festival but I'd love to see the Springhill Fair to come back to coincide with this new album and this tour Put that to the Brisbane City Council Thank you for joining us today Robert it's a hell of a yarn and a hell of a story and we look forward to seeing the next chapter The Candle and the Flame out now Ok wonderful talking to you guys and I always enjoy talking to the advocate Thank you we'll catch you again for the next album Ok I'll be there speak soon This time but just before we go what was the Springhill Fair like everyone talks about it like it was you know some sort of Notting Hill Carnival A little bit look I think the Springhill Fair you know is fondly remembered because there was so little of that sort of thing happening Now you can go to three Springhill Fairs every weekend you know everyone's doing it and has been doing it for a long time I think that's why it was good in its day I only went once I think and I liked it but I think the reason it was so unusual and so forward looking to do a street festival in Brisbane in the 80s was revolutionary But that was Grant's idea like he just sort of came up with an album title and we all liked it and you know like I'm glad we put that to you know a hometown thing like that to an album It was good it was really really nice you know and Springhill's like a lovely you know area close to the city very pretty very nice and so it was a good idea a good idea ahead of its time Well it's 2023 there's a new Robert Forster album out now and I'm making it official I'm putting a call out here on this podcast today bring back the Springhill Fair I mean we always have fun at the Caxton Seafood Beer and Rum Festival but I'd love to see the Springhill Fair to come back to coincide with this new album and this tour Well put that to the Brisbane City Council That's what I say Thank you for joining us today Robert what a hell of a yarn and a hell of a story and we look forward to seeing the next chapter The Candle and the Flame out now Ok wonderful talking to you guys and I always enjoy talking to the advocate Thank you we'll catch you again for the next album Ok I'll be there speak soon |
dropout | a_360_degrees_tour_of_the_collegehumor_office | Hey guys, as a writer for College Humor, I get a lot of questions about what it's like to work here, so I thought I'd give you a brief tour of the office to show you it's a normal workplace like any other. Now, this is actually a 360 degree video, so you can move your screen around to look around the office, but you shouldn't have to. I'm going to show you all the most interesting stuff. If you look anywhere else, it'll just see boring things, like our cameraman, Raz. Hey, Raz. Our first stop is the writer's pod. This is where we write all the videos that you see on our site and on our YouTube channel. We're going to be one of our writers right now, Zach Oyama. Hey. Hey, Zach, where do you get your ideas? They just sort of come to me, I guess. Wow, interesting stuff. Here's our branded department. It's just one person right now. Oh, you guys have to talk to Julia. Julia works on our production for our videos to make sure they look as good as they possibly can without bankrupting the company. How do you do that? Honestly, it's a lot of boring spreadsheets like this one. No, no, no, this is really great stuff right here. Through our kitchenette here is where we make our coffee, store a variety of healthy snacks.
Do we ever catch that lunch thief? Not yet. We'll get them.
Along the wall here, you're going to see some offices. They're all closed because this is where our video editors work. They are very focused on the smallest details of every video. So we're going to keep them closed so they can focus.
Bathrooms over here, nothing that special, nothing that interesting. They're exactly what you'd expect.
Oh, here's a fun fact about College Humor. In the UK, it's called College Humor, but they spell it with a U. Oh, we have to talk to Katie. Katie is the nicest person in the world.
What? No. No, no, it's true.
Everybody loves Katie. And that brings us back to the elevator base and back to where we started. So you can see, even though we do a lot of really crazy stuff in our videos, on our day-to-day, it's just a pretty normal boring office. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_good_variant_snl | Oh my God, did you guys hear there's a new variant? are you kidding me? Oh my God, another one? When is Covid gonna be over? This is ridiculous. wait, wait, wait, apparently this one is good. What do you mean it's good?
I don't know, let me just turn on the news. they're calling it a miracle. a new strain of Covid-19 that's mutated so hard, it's actually good. wait, no. it's called the Galvini variant and it doesn't make you sick. it just makes you feel dope. Oh my God. what? dude, it like doesn't give you a fever or anything? no, it just makes me feel like cool and confident. it comes from the sandy beaches of Cabo San Lucas. Dude, having Galvini is like having a drink with an old friend.
Bear me. Oh my God, Fauci's selling people the gun of the club. Oh, we have to get it. Yo! hey guys. what's up, man? hey, Paul. hey. bad news, I tested positive for the Galvini variant and it actually made me sick. Oh, man. I'm playing simp. we are positive. we are positive. this just in. I'm going on daycare. See you in Bali, bitches. All right, who's hungry? did somebody say hungry? come and get it. Chug, Chug, Chug, Chug. Brokers are the loose. Yo, yo, yo.
Martin, you're positive. I know, right? no, for anal worms. for real. But we caught it early. hold up. a new symptom. apparently, the good variant gives you long, luscious locks. yeah, I could do this before. 40 hands.
Oh, boy. And guess what else, y'all? what else, Newsman? Pokemon are real. Oh, my God. Yes, look at this. we're going to live forever. did someone say hungry? maybe a while ago, but yeah, come on in, man. Newsman. Go, Paul. Go, Paul. this kicks ass. Covid's over, and everything's going to rock forever. Yeah. Oh, man. this just in.
Pokemon have stormed the capitol. I repeat, Pokemon have stormed the Capitol.
Oh, my God. Oh, wait. Oh, hold up, y'all. they're just there to pass law, some legislation. Oh, my God. Ah! Oh, my God. |
cracked | the_scientific_reason_you_want_to_have_sex_with_jessica_rabbit | You ever notice that Jessica Rabbit couldn't actually exist? This is how you tell me? No, no, I mean like if you built a human woman in the shape of Jessica Rabbit, she'd die. But surely though, my love would be strong enough to get us through anything. I hate to tell you, it's not just that she'd be too top-heavy to stand.
There's no room for a ribcage or kidneys or anything in this. No, I'm not, none of my plans involve her kidneys. There's no room for anything. I don't even know how she'd bring baby Roger to turn.
But somehow, our male brain sees that body and just immediately goes, Venus goes there, must make mixtape for her to get you. Yeah, you think that because you have a cartoon fetish. Mixtape? Yeah. Do you mean a Spotify playlist? Yeah.
Where would you even buy a tape? Flea markets?
The reason for this is because of super normal stimuli. Think about baby birds for a second. Baby birds. They're so little. Mother herring gulls have a black stripe and a red dot on their beak. Baby gulls see that and know that's where the food comes from. The scientists did this thing where they took a big piece of wood and they put a bigger black stripe on it and a bigger redder dot on it. And baby birds went nuts for it.
Yeah, they liked it because a bigger is. Okay, this is not appropriate for the workplace. Okay, then because once you go black, come on, come on, man, there's people around. Okay, just working. They liked it because the stripes are in this season.
Okay, the point you're missing, because I don't know why, is that baby birds love that painted wood more than they love their own mothers, even though that wood is never going to give them food and never will. Lots of things don't feed or love me in the world, but I don't know what that has to do with our thing that we're talking about. That's what Jessica Rabbit and any cartoon character with huge boobs and a tiny waist is. It's the big piece of wood for our tiny bird brains.
It's taking everything sexual that we respond to and ramping it up to 11 just to snare us. Okay, I know I've been checked out for this entire conversation, so what I'm about to say is going to sound hard to believe, but I kind of already knew all this. And like we've been doing it forever.
The very first depiction of a human being in art was Venus of Willendorf, a large-breasted woman of size, because weight was attractive in those starving, frigid, ancient times. People like sexy things, and art is a way to represent the better, bigger, and yes, more cartoonish manifestation of our imaginations. That's one of the things art can do. So what? So what is that it's different now? We used to use boobs to emphasize the ideal, but now we throw them everywhere in art. And we sexualize women completely different than men.
Think about when you see, like, huge, overly exaggerated muscles on a male character in comic books or cartoons. What does that mean? That he is a bruiser, a tough guy, probably voiced by Patrick Borberg. Patrick War... Nope, don't have it. Okay, what if he's got a more wiry strength, thin but still defined? That he is acrobatic, like Spider-Man or Nightcrawler. Exactly.
Now, what do huge boobs mean for a female character? That she... That she is a female character. Mary Jane the actress has huge boobs, but so does Jessica Jones the detective, or she Hulk the lawyer. Hulk any female character.
We just throw honking breasts on them, and it means nothing. It's a background. Why is that? Because men are pigs? Because everyone is pigs.
According to science, both men and women see women as a collection of objects rather than as individuals. You see, they did this study. Ah, they. And studies.
They found in their study that one part of the human brain lights up when we see people, and another part lights up when we see objects. And in men and women's brains, the objects part of the brain lit up when looking at women. But when men and women are looking at women, the objects part of the brain lights up. We're all completely conditioned to see women as sexual objects. And that makes us susceptible to supernormal stimuli.
And here's where it gets a little bit weird. Now, you have been monologuing at me about cartoon breasts for three minutes. This was never not weird. Let me talk at you about baby birds again for a second. I do not trust you with that topic.
Cuckoos reproduce partly by laying their eggs in other birds' nests and letting those mother birds raise them as their own. And some scientists have speculated that those mother birds know the cuckoos aren't their babies, but are forced to raise them because the baby cuckoo's cry is a supernormal version of their own baby's cry. Their maternal instincts are so overloaded they can't help but take care of a whole different species. Their maternal instincts have betrayed them. But they do that to trick the other birds. And if that were true, then that would mean that our supernormal, hypersexualized depictions of women are designed to trick us, too. Rendering us completely powerless, just overriding our instincts.
Which would... Hey. Yeah. Right. Hm? Um, you know. No, I wasn't... I... Um... No.
You guys, thank you so much for watching us talking about your brains and sex and everything going on with you. Subscribe and like the video and tell us in the comments below either something about brains or what cartoon character you have sex with. You usually do the second one in all of our video comments every time. So I guess just repeat that or if your tastes have changed, that would be good to know because someone probably cares. I'd throw it in adult Nala from Lion King. That was mine! It can be ours.
Thank you. Thank you for taking us. All right. |
TheOnion | Study_Nation_s_Third_Graders_Now_Eating_At_A_Ninth_Grade_Level | A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year. A police officer doesn't see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects. And a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. Barreling forward on our scorched earth campaign towards truth and righteousness, this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, a new study charting the development of American school children found that the nation's third graders are now eating at a ninth-grade level. Researchers cited evidence showing that the average eight-year-old in the US currently consumes enough food during meals and snacking periods to equal a pubescent high school freshman, crediting both teachers' and parents' roles in their children's advanced eating habits. A new report released this week revealed that more parents than ever are relying on grandparents to help fuck up their kids. The report's authors noted that in order to make ends meet, many budget-conscious parents in the US have allowed their own parents to step in and deliver the same level of emotional neglect they would like to apply, adding that for many working adults, this arrangement was the only way to ensure their children were adequately belittled and ignored.
And in this week's sports news, Johnny Manziel is forced to wear a Cleveland Browns jersey in a cruel rookie hazing incident. In other news, Busch Gardens unveils their new 9,600-mile-long endurance coaster. A documentary provides a scathing indictment of the director's filmmaking skills, and a man brings his son into the office to see where dad is emasculated. As a child, I often dreamed of becoming an astronaut or even president of the United States, but eventually gained the insight to recognize this as the only position of vital importance. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_153_Hamish_Blake | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petunia Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petunia Advocate radio show. A lot of pressure on us now in our radio capacity right now. We've got, I guess you'd say a pioneer of Australian radio.
Wasn't really a big thing. Wasn't a big thing until he was around. Maybe it was lossy. I think he kind of had a bit of a following, but then I think it was pretty big in the twenties. Was it the 1920s?
Yeah. No, like it was like, it kind of came in a bit after TV. Some of these, um, I think he wrote a bit on the coattails of Richard Mercer. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, that is true.
Um, hot 30 stuff. I was obviously like, you know, post hot 30 countdown, ugly Phil. He's a trailblazer. The, uh, what's that?
Fucking the spoon man on the M's. We learned a lot from spoonie. Um, spoonie is a rare unit. Do you know spoonie? Oh God, I'm going to get this wrong, but I reckon you'd be a chance to get him on if you wanted to. We love spoon man. We were like, put spoon man in breakfast. Like spoon man was on triple M and I wasn't a religious listener, but every time I listened, it was odds on.
He'd be talking about cyclists needing registration plates and a real beanie spotted about cyclists like you've got to register them. If they're on the road, if they want to be treated as a car, register them so you can report them.
That always seemed to be a hot topic, but we like, we were a big fan of spoon man. Cause he was raw and he had honest opinions and, and it's actually, it was almost a pretty good spoon man impression there and he, because he got deep, he got real deep on the mic. He really ate that mic and we were often asked, like you'd often, we were in the drive slot and we sort of did, you know, I think me and Andy did like, you know, five or six years in drive.
And the different markets would be rotating through their breakfast shows. So the conversation would always come up with people that ran the radio station. Like, you know, who do you, who do you reckon to be a good breakfast show? Cause they're always looking at replacing breakfast shows like quite a lot in FM radio.
I mean to the point where, or we were always pushing for spoon man, but he never got up. We were always like, get spoonie in. Spoonie's what you need in drive. You need a big spoonful of spoon man for breakfast.
He doesn't keep regular hours, he's good. Just tell him to stay up a bit later and he'll do breakfast and go to sleep. This is a classic, this is my, one of my favorite stories from radio days in, as an example of how quickly you rotate through breakfast shows, right?
One year, me and Andy, like we, we took a few years off doing drive and then we came back, I think for like three years, two and a half years, we were like, we'll come back, but, um, we've got some stuff to do, so we're not going to start till like mid year. And they're like, yeah, yeah, no worries. So I think we started about May or June, whatever year it was, like maybe 2017. And so when we came in and it's like the old radius building we'd been in, but then a couple of years since we'd done drive, like our old boss, Dave, the head of content for the whole of Australia, he's like, look guys, you know, you're the drive show national, but want to, want to get you up to speed with what, where the breakfast shows are at around the country because you know, you'll be the drive show to several other breakfast shows because it's syndicated and like, we're really excited. Like just want, you know, it's a much different place than you left, really want to jazz you up, got a sizzle reel, got a sizzle reel we want to show you in the boardroom just to fire you up about, you know, it's a great feeling, great feeling on the network. So, okay, yeah, great.
So we sit down, you know, there's about 10 minutes while they have to call someone up to figure out how to get the screen to work. And finally the screen works. This is a real start.
And it's like, you know, the today network, like, you know, oh, your favorite music and your favorite shows, your favorite music, a tears gone cold, probably like, Hey Australia, it's pink. Hey, your favorite breakfast shows. And it's like, you know, Fifi and Fev in Melbourne.
It's like, and I'm, you know, in Adelaide, we've got, I can't remember, we've got Millie Simon and Dave goes, she's gone actually, she's feedbacks, so we've changed that show. This is an old sizzle, this is a sizzle from January, this is a sizzle from Jan and yes, they're gone. And then like later on, later on, there's another show from like Newcastle, like we're changing them too, we are getting rid of them. The sizzle involved like five, already five has-beens and it's why it's for the same reason.
That's why when it works, they stay. Oh, you stay. Even when it works a little bit, it's hard to make it work. You hold on. You just hold on.
I was just thinking back with spoon man before and we'll get, we'll get towards introducing him. I like being the mystery guest.
He's pretty much just a cab driver who never sleeps. It's almost like, it's like you're hopping a cab at tennis, like where are you being mate? I said, oh, I've been, uh, I've been at in Richmond. Oh, fuck Richmond mate, it's full of fucking drunks, people spewing in my taxi. I mean, was he a cab driver? He was a cab driver, wasn't he?
I think maybe earlier on. I think that was his actual pedigree though. Yeah. I'm an everyman. Well, it explains a lot if that's right.
I mean, there is no real, there's no one destination, many paths. Like everyone's got a different way into the building.
Remember that BBC bit of footage, that sort of viral footage where the guy was a driver. He turned up to pick someone up in, it was on like a BBC talk show, like an early morning talk. Do you remember that? No, no, no, no. Where the guy goes, this could be spoon man's explanation. He might've just come to pick someone up one night and just wandered into the studio and go, I don't know how to talk. Do you remember the guy just sitting there cause he was just like in the back corridors, just in a, in a, just a guy in a blazer, like he was in a driver's uniform and someone's going, great. And you can see his face. The finance minister's here, you're good to go or like, you know, you're, you're an economist and he was just too nice.
I think he just froze. He didn't say anything.
So they marked him up and put him on the set and then they come back live and go, all right, well, you know, we're, you know, the economy's tanking and unemployment's up here to talk about his finance specialist, Greg, whatever guy, he's just smiling I think professor Hargraves is having a panic attack. So we'll just move across here to join you with weather and feels like, it's like I was just here to pick someone up. I can get you from Wembley to hack me in 10, 15 minutes. I know the shortcuts, but I don't know how I ended up here. It's not a bad move though.
You never find yourself on live breakfast TV and you don't want to answer the question.
Yeah. I'm sorry guys. That's not me.
I'm just a driver that's accidentally wandered on to set. Spoonman was the first person to get canceled. I think in my experience of people getting canceled because I remember tuning in one night for whatever reason I was working somewhere and I tuned in.
It was the day after Steve Irwin had died and Spoonman had come out with a catastrophically hot take the night of Steve Owen's death, which is said, well, do we say good riddance to a man that harassed animals for a living? It's painful. The next night, it's obviously made the newspapers, the next night, the phone calls him. The punters that called in the next night was just sensei. He was like, look, Spoonie, you know, I love you, but what you said last night about Steve Irwin was beyond the pale. And he's like, yeah, look, I apologize for what I said, but I should have said it differently. Just unabashed, but also the true talkback guy that's offending his own audience. That's a tough, that's a tough card to play. It's a really interesting one from Spoonman, not your crowd, just, I reckon there's a fair bit of anti-Ewen sentiment and tonight's the night to find it. Real, real raw.
I wonder what he's doing now. He's still in the loops, I think he's been doing VOs and stuff like that. I think he's lost the graveyard shift, but the last I heard he was down in Tassie.
Now you could have moved to Tassie, you've just moved cities. Did lockdown break you? Is that why you moved? No, we were going to move before, we did plan to move before lockdown, but lockdown, it had low chances of turning the tide, low chances of changing our mind. So the wheels were in motion and the decision had sort of been made about March, just as COVID was sort of hitting. And I mean, we sort of delayed, we were like, okay, well, it was probably not the time to do it now, but we sort of, we knew we were moving. And then when the second lockdown in Melbourne happened and that sort of, I don't know, whatever it was, a hundred days, it just felt like one long day, to be honest, that second lockdown, there was no point where we sort of turned around and went, I don't know, you know.
Now that we've been only in 5Ks of our house for the last 94 days, it's um, yeah, this is growing to me, eh? Yeah. Wait, each time I drive from the airport in Melbourne into town, like, just imagine if you had to spend 5Ks within Coburg. Yeah, there were definitely luckier 5Ks.
There is, there is just not that, like, there's not that much there, is there? Well, there's not much to look at in Melbourne. They've got a lot going on. You can find it. There's lots of stuff to find.
Yeah. We almost got Stockholm syndrome, I guess, from the house. Like we may be like, we're canceling the move. This is all we ever need forever. We're not, we're not doing 5Ks.
But the culture, the culture in Melbourne is the draw card. And when lockdown's on, that was tough.
You're missing the comedy and you're missing the bars and the restaurants. Bars, restaurants, live music, sport, comedy. When you take that out, and that's all of Triple M, when you basically take out Triple M's positioning statement, you take out rock sport and comedy, and plus live music and coffee shops.
It was tough. It was something you would just, it was like being in a nightclub when the lights are on and the chairs are up. You're like, oh, I just lost it's magic a little bit. That's what this room looks like, that's what it smells like. It's like when you go back to a nightclub the day after you've lost a wallet. Yes. Do you have a brown jacket here? And the guy's like, mate, just go down and have a look. The cleaners didn't find anything. You're just like, okay, ugh. But it does have that strange thing of going, I fought so hard to get into this room last night. I gave everything to get in here and now the trick is over and you can just wander around freely in this basement. And it is, the furniture doesn't look so good in the moment. It's not the sexiest place I've ever seen anymore. But having said that, there was a great camaraderie in Melbourne, everyone kind of like made do and it was everyone shoulder to shoulder that, but you know, gee, we missed the life of Melbourne. Sounds a lot like North Korea. We did it.
We're trying to bait a dictator Dan out of you. I know he's listening from his rehab unit and we send thoughts and prayers. Every single time a camera crew goes down to the Albert in Melbourne, they always are out the front and always, there is a helicopter coming or going, so you've got the person on the ABC like, no, he's just broken a couple of vertebrae, I think he's going to be all right. We got some good hate mail yesterday from someone who's obviously, you know, and they, there's a couple of deranged camps. There's like the deranged, I love Dan camps and there's deranged, I hate Dan, it was the latter, emailed us and goes, look at you guys, fucking bias much? Not going to take the piss out of Dan Andrews slipping over and ending up in intensive care.
We're like, I don't know, um, I don't know if that's bias to not, what do we reckon guys? This guy that's been bothering steps. What do we say? Good riddance.
I was going to, I was going to do one, it's like, it's like, he's not the first person to do his ass on the Mornington Peninsula on a long weekend of work. I mean, I, I'd say I'm just fairly in the middle. I mean, he did a great, it worked, it worked, so you got to, you absolutely got to, it doesn't, it didn't have an easy job. I don't think anyone was waking up going, geez, I'd love to be premier.
But I think the only thing that great it was like, you know, love, indifference to whatever the politics were, I reckon it was just, it was just the boredom that got to people. It was like, I mean, he would have been bored too. He didn't, I don't think he wanted to do a hundred gigs straight, but just every day during a press conference, it was like being on a cruise ship and there's one band. Even if they're like, even if they're awesome after seeing them a hundred times, you're like, all right, I just need another act. I think everyone just got sick of watching the same gig.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was, it must've been brutal. Like, but don't you love it in lockdown? I mean, elsewhere in the country only had that six weeks at the start of the year, but that was great fun. That felt, that felt like a fun run.
We're all doing it, you know, people in Italy are singing on balconies. Like everyone's cooking salad dough, we're all making funny videos in Elgara.
It felt like a real fun run. And then the hundred day felt like an ultra marathon in jeans that you got told to run with five minutes notice. Yeah, it was pretty quick to snap to.
Because initially that was going to be six weeks too. And we had it marked on our calendar. I remember it was September 13th. I think it was like that was the six week mark. And we had like the calendar in the kitchen and the kids were marking it off. And as we were like two weeks out and there was still like five or 600 cases a day or something, I said to my wife, Hey, take the calendar down.
This is, this is not good for morale. Definitely not ending on the 13th. And then it just went on and on and on.
Yeah. It just sounded like, you know, the one thing that I love though, is when you like, you're taking it seriously, you got a calendar, everyone's taken seriously. And then in lockdown, you hear of like, I don't know, 19 year old bartenders who are selling takeaway drinks out of a bar and they've employed their mate, three mates as cleaners, and then they get pissed and invite 10 more people. You know, the people who are just like, nah, nah, we're actually just going to break the rules here. And I'm like, I guess there were pockets that I never really heard. I got respect for those kids. Yeah.
It's not like I didn't get invited to any COVID parties. I didn't hear of any going on.
I think cause I guess cause I'm like circulating more in like the family. It's hard to think that everyone's like doing the right thing. I got respect for the kids. They had a horrible year, you know, and they ended up having their schoolies on Nusa.
Being a single, being single too, like in your prime, we know now, like I'm 39. Yeah. The prime is gone, but you have, you have a sense, right? When you're 23, there is a sense of going, God, you know, I eat what I want.
I get hammered all the time. I bounce back. My body, my skin's full of elastin. I'm full of collagen.
I have no capillaries. I'm, I'm rich as hell. I'm clearing 650 a week. I got no expenses.
Like I, that hangover is real bad. I'll smoke a cone. That is the prime of your life and you got it clamped down for you. Like brutal, but probably the best.
I was probably the best at, I'm, I'm like just hitting middle age. I'm 39. I got two kids. I wasn't going out anyway. You kids aren't like crying baby age. They're like playful fun age.
They were like in the case of event of emergency, just put the iPad on and we can all just regroup by watching Zootopia again and find the strength to continue. Well, it was interesting because when, uh, when it all started to kick off in Melbourne again in the middle of July, we were down in Sydney on business and there was like 20 cases here on like the 10th and then 45 on the 11th and the pubs and everything were all open. And it was like the sacking of Rome because everyone knew that it was about to be closed down and it was just people out the front of pubs, projectile vomiting on the footpath.
That's the thing. The night rush it in because they got 48 hours. Get your fill. 48 hours and we're locking you down.
It was, it was like the zombie apocalypse like driving near my house in Richmond. It was just like people, it was like they run the premiership again. It's like people all over the street.
It was like, this has got to be doing more harm than good. Like it's going to be four more weeks to undo all the damage from this night. Just this night because it doesn't matter what you say to people if you give them a deadline that, you know, like it's like, please be careful until, but you know, pubs are still open right now. It's like, it's not like when we all sung carols in world war one with the Germans and played soccer on Christmas Eve. Like there is no truce with the virus. The virus isn't going to go, all right, I give you 48 hours. But after that. I'm virulent as hell. Coming back as a deadly strain phase two.
The best one was the beaches. Bondo is a good one where it's like, uh, it was that perfect little patch where you could really be quite selfish where it's like you've been let go from work, but business hasn't shut down and lockdown hasn't come in. So it's like, you're off work, go to the beach with 40,000 other people. And it was 39 and there was no wind. I was like, where do we go to one of the most iconic beaches in the world?
Because we're Australians and nothing bad happens to us. Let's put this salt in the air and that's a known antiviral.
It hates the heat, mate. It hates the heat.
But that's what, when we first moved to Sydney, I was like, I was walking around Bondo with my wife. She was like, why there's so many cops around Bondi? I was like, honey, remember?
It's like several weekends in a row, it accidentally became the poster child of irresponsible behavior. Like, I'm sure there's tons of irresponsible behavior happening, but it's just like, please guys, just not at Bondi, not again. Six times in a row, it's really beginning to look bad.
And you look at some of those beaches during lockdown. It's like, it looks like it's bigger. You know, it's like, you'll never see that again.
Bondi Beach, I don't know, those weird Melbourne beaches. Melbourne, the face mask thing in Melbourne, because we did 100 days with face masks all the time outside. We got so, you got so used to it, it was really odd going back to walking around outside of Melbourne without a face mask. Even though it should have felt weird the whole time.
I live near the MCG and so that was our exercise. Like, we'd walk through the G. And you know, you didn't have to wear one if you were running. And so I decided to, like, I can't run. But I was like, well, you know, we're all taking up wild hobbies. I downloaded an app called Couch to 5k, which is like to get you up to 5k's distance.
Most of it's walking, especially at the start. So you know, you run for two minutes and you walk for two minutes. Pole to pole. But yeah, it's a bit of that, a bit of sprint to the next light bulb. So you run, but you don't need a face mask while you're running. And then you stop. And I'm like, well, you know, you're exercising still. But you would get, you know, if someone kind of turned a corner and saw you walking, not running, and you weren't masked. It was always and you're like 300 meters away. And you could feel the scales and the points of that guy down there because he's unmasked. And then you'd start running again.
Everyone's like, oh, fill your boots. Of course, you've got to get your exercise. Now you can huff and puff and you'll be totally fine.
But it became this weird thing with like, and then suddenly on a Friday, there was still that vibe. And then on Monday, everyone's unmasked. And we're back to normal. Oh, man. In Brisbane, it was a bit of the inverse where, you know, you'd see another person who didn't have a mask.
What, you don't trust me? What's wrong with me? You don't trust me? Like unknowing, not like brother.
But also, you see someone with a mask in Brisbane, you start, you know, you don't trust me. Why are you wearing a mask?
You think I'm gross? You think I'm fucking, you think I got the virus, mate?
No one up here has it. No one's in there.
But I still, I still do remember, like, in the first lockdown, I would see people wearing masks down the street. And the general vibe even in Melbourne was like, whoa, slow down, house cam.
These are our cities. That's the current campaign. Batuta, of course, being one of the proud cities on that list.
Tourism Reliant, cheap tickets, et cetera. But I want to clarify now that this isn't paid by Tourism Australia. But we're going to talk about a lot of this stuff because you're the only person I know who's been on holidays recently. Just because you're part of getting this off the ground again. Domestic tourism.
True. How has that been? Like, looked like the other day you had Lord Howe Island to yourself. Yeah, well, you know, you always have, we booked that trip six months ago. And until we were there, I did not think that was going to happen. It's really hard to get to Lord Howe Island because you always have it to yourself. Have you guys ever been?
No. I'd like to, yeah. 400 person cap. Yeah. Really?
So there's only 400 visitors allowed on the island ever. So their whole economy is based off 400 tourist beds. There's about 300 locals.
And then that's it. They're like, we don't make anything. We don't export anything. We don't mess with it.
So what that means is it's kind of like a theme park. The whole island is like a theme park, but the theme is 80s small town. That's what it is.
There's like a few roads. The speed limit is 25.
Like your New Zealand horror film. Yeah, or Auckland. Auckland in general.
There's like speed limit is 25. Like there's one kind of cafe. Bit of drink driving, I imagine. Not that you didn't have a car with you, but.
No. I mean, maybe. Maybe.
But yeah, because the only people who've got a car are locals. And they're not even really that much of a need for a car because everyone just rides bikes.
Yeah, right. But even you sort of stay there for like two days and then the locals know who's on the island because there's not that many people on the island. And so they'll see you riding along down the other end of the island. They're like, mate, don't you stay up near, you guys are up near Ned's beach, aren't you? Yeah, just chuck the bike in the back. I'll give you a lift up. So everyone just becomes a local. Like I got invited to the Nippers sausage sizzle on a Saturday morning. That's the beauty of the island. Yeah, and that feels warm when the tourism town gives you the call up.
But that's the thing. It's like they just love, they've sort of like, they've nailed the number. What I find most remarkable is it's been like that for decades.
And so I was chatting to the guy like, you know, you say like, oh, we've got a fishing tour tomorrow. I'm not sure who it's with. And they'll go, no, no, that's yeah. You're out with you and Brad. Yeah. It's like, oh, it might be him. Like, no, it's him. That's it. That's the boat. There's one boat. That's who you go with. You go down with Brad. Oh, right. Okay. Well, I'll double check. Well, unless you're on the barge that comes every two weeks. That's the boat on the island. You're going out with Brad.
So there's no like locals only fucking tourers attitude at all. They get it. Every local says hi. Everyone wants to know if you're all right. Do you need anything?
All the kids like there was a school there that has like 30, 40 kids in it. That's all like the local island kids and they're all like waving and loving it. So what I was most impressed because this is I was having this conversation with Brad the fisherman. Surely there's obviously like a town body. Like, you know, some sort of like board or whatever. It would come up that they go, if we raised it to 500 beds, we'd all make 25% more money.
Like, surely someone along the line has gone. Yeah, it's not. There's like three other people on the beach. Like, so it's got a slippery slope, mate. Slippery slope. It is. And they've really stuck firm.
And that's why it's a really incredible place. So it's like, it is incredible for its natural beauty, but I found it more incredible as a social, social experiment.
Well, I haven't budged. I've read that the property on the island, like say, I don't think you can buy it. You can. But in the charter for the whole island, first dibs are given to other islanders. Yep. So nothing ever goes to market there. Yeah. It's not like you could just buy a block. Right. I didn't know.
I've met people that work there as porters, like the young kids that get jobs over there and they love it because you get, they get free rein, you know. And the funny thing is the boat, the boat, the barge, you know, the main, it comes out of, I'm not sure it comes out of, but comes across on the mainland every two weeks. And it's like, it's everything. It's like, you know, Dan Murphy's orders, alcohol post. If someone's ordered a bike or a car, that would be a big event. Like there's not many on the island, so there's probably like a ceremony for that. But everyone gets pretty excited on boat day. We were there for boat day. I mean, you know, there's always stuff, there's always stuff on the island.
You're a male. It's so exciting. It really is. It really would be.
There's no mobile phone towers. So you've got landlines or mail. They've only just sort of got the internet and it's kind of divided the island. Like they kind of wish they didn't have it.
Right. It's dial up speeds, but it used to be a place where it was like, hey, throw that thing in the drawer because it's useless here and we've got pay phones if you need it. Well, that they only just eradicated rats on the island, I think. And that was a bit of a contentious issue. Yeah. Just anyone that was telling the mainland how good it was.
No rats on the island. You know, over there, they don't fuck around with these things.
They'll kill you. If you're a rat, they'll kill you.
No, so it was this really kind of like pristine bubble. And I think a lot of people liked going there because you just can't get phone reception. You couldn't get even email. So you get like a dribble of Wi-Fi, but that's kind of it.
But the boat, what happens, you realize like the culinary situation on the island is you can either have absolutely the world's most incredible, fresh kingfish and crayfish and like deluxe gourmet fare or frozen chicken. You can have nuggets or crayfish because it's like, you know, they have something anything but seafood is like world class. Any other food has to last two weeks in the deep freeze because we only get food every two weeks.
Oh, man. Well, look, I don't want to say I have to go there because that would look like we're being paid. Well, really use it as an analogy.
I'd never thought about this place until we started doing stuff for Tourism Australia. And I'd never seen it until I was looking at your Instagram. It's fucking no. And then I was like some sort of fucking Jurassic Park set up.
What it was a good reminder of. And this is the whole part of the Tourism Australia thing. And that is legitimately why we're having a lot of fun doing it. It's just that thing of going. There's places you haven't thought of. I think we think you kind of think that you got, you know, everywhere good in Australia and you might have been, but there's a lot of great stuff. There's a lot of great stuff. And it doesn't have to be as elaborate as Lord Howe.
Like I'm, I'm heading up north camping with my little guy next week. I'm pulling him out of school and we're going to hit a few secluded camping spots up the central coast.
Oh, beauty. Can't wait.
Gotta go to Broken Hill for the Priscilla Festival. Broken Hills. Yeah, Priscilla Festival is called Broken Heel. And apparently it's just a full-blown outback drag show.
When is it? September. I wonder if you could Denny Ute muster it straight into Broken Heel.
Straight into Birdsville races. Just crawling around the outback. The desert spring carnival into Betuda. We got the races on the week before. Birdsville. Yeah, it goes, uh, Betuda, Birdsville, and then up to Beduri where they've got the camel races.
Yeah, right. Change, um, formats. Yeah, or get your paper mache hump on your horse. It's just spray painting it.
The scariest thing about the Betuda races, there's not much that's scary, but the scariest thing about the Betuda races is that that's where the, you know, the boxing tents. Sorry, I was trying to open the can on mic and just copped it in the eye. Speaking of sponsored content. Yeah, Betuda Bitter, that's nice and frothy, that one. Yeah, I was trying to open a delicious can on the mic. Yeah, they got the boxing troops out there in Western Queensland.
Also, I'd love to go one of those tents. But Betuda races the week before Birdsville, so that's where the old boxing tent pull up for a drink. Like they don't even set up the tent in Betuda races because they're just like, next weekend we go into Birdsville. Do they do the tent at the Birdsville races? Yeah, have you guys ever been to the tent? Yeah, I've seen the tent in action.
It's, uh, it's, it's just under the stars. Yeah. So in Betuda, yeah, it's like no tent. Yeah, there's no tent and there's no rules, no roof, no volunteering. Just two men trying to switch each other off as fast as possible. And also no umpire. It's just literally a bath fight. Yeah. But, um, yeah, the tents are crazy.
Like they, the old guy, Fred Brophy, who runs it. He's been doing it for a hundred years.
Yeah, yeah. He's got a good book, The Last Showman. And he is a very good, as he would. Not the greatest, just the last. Hugh Jackman can have greatest, fine. That's it. That's more of a quality.
I don't think that Hugh Jackman too would be inclined to take him to court either. Cause it's just like, how about we just sort it out outside, mate? No lawyers, mate, no lawyers.
So he has this thing, he has obviously developed the smarts over the years to gauge when someone's too drunk or when someone's knocked out. Cause he sort of, he sort of makes the fights, doesn't he? Yeah. He'll, he'll go, okay. He's got the drum, rail around the drum. So it's like, it's the old Archie Roach song. I think Archie Roach was in with tents as well, but it's like he, all he needs to know is when someone's knocked out or when someone's too pissed to get in. And he doesn't, I think he doesn't walk the plank or something like that. And occasionally he'll find a guy in a outback town that can beat one of his guys.
And it'll be like, that's huge, right? Holy shit.
Do you want a job? And more often than not, the kid goes, yeah. It's like, get in the van. We're going to the next town.
And so just that, that, that's how the talent evolves. Yeah. You beat the reigning champ or anyone. And the tents really like the, the, the fight is really diverse kind of guys. He's got ex-army. He's got like a couple of Asian kids he's met in the city over the years. And yeah, one of them is called chopsticks. I've seen a doco on it, which I love. And there was also like, one of the fights was like, you know, in Johnny Knoxville Fort Butterbean in the department. So like, it felt a bit like that. Cause it's great because the guys have been talking shit in town for so long. It's like, well Brophy's here mate, get in the ring. And it's like, I'm up against some scrambled Iraq war veteran. This is kind of fucked me up. And also Brophy knows when to pull it up, but you know, you've got like, It's definitely a TV format in it. Yeah. I mean, someone's got to come along and just go, cause it's like one of the last bastions of kind of realness, not taking anything away from the first episode of SAS last year where they also had a boxing match, but it's probably a little more hardcore. Yeah.
Merrick Watts. I mean, he's in the wrong game. Merrick should have been about that life.
Had a thousand yards stare didn't he? Real thousand yards stare.
I could do this. I think, I think they edited it out at the end where Merrick, like, you know, you don't win anything. You've just been selected. And Merrick said, I am authorized to kill people now. And I mean, I do laugh, but far out. It did not look easy. He did incredibly well.
So what's the go with you now mate? Are you ready for like, Yeah SAS season two, so that's a pretty good segue. Thanks guys, thanks for having me on. I was waiting for you to say, I'm ready for a rebirth as like a crankier radio guy. Like, Yeah.
The fork man. Everyone's always said this about, fork man. Stabbing, stabbing the issues. Everyone's always said this about King Kyle.
They were like, he'd be great for a little AM pivot. Wouldn't he? He'd be great to, He'd be one of the, he'd be one of the guys that would, and he probably will do it. He'll do it. He'll do it effortlessly. I reckon he would have done it. He would have done it except I reckon he's found that he doesn't have to because he's like, well, hang on a sec.
I got, I'm doing exactly the same thing for much more money in color and stereo.
Yeah. His, yeah. I don't think his, his voice would translate well to AM. But he can pull off. He's found his people. He can pull off common sense though, funnily enough. Like I reckon he'd be able to get the gray army on site and whatever the fuck he was outraged about. Yeah.
Paul Murray doesn't have that skill. I don't think he completely understands how to cultivate rage, which Kyle definitely does.
Hadley is obviously one of the greats and Alan Jones is the absolute good. But that's part of the job, right?
John Law's still on here. I saw an ad in the paper yesterday going, the king still reigns supreme. Is he on an internet streaming? No, no, he's on one in Sydney.
Two SM or something like that. As a Melbourne boy, I got no exposure to the law's phenomenon really. But I did see, I saw something in the paper that was just like, you know, the king reigns. It was like a third party had taken out the ad. That was more of like a tribute to him than an ad to his radio show. We went and interviewed him at two SM and like after all of these years, you're just like, Oh, this is funny. I get eyes on the man and opens up the door and it's just like, it was like the weekend of Bernie's.
But he has the gold mine and he looks for an old cadre. He looks so swag, you know, he's got the gold, he's got the, you know, he's got the white linen and he's still got the PA's. He's still in his mind. He's still, he's still like, yeah. And he's still got listeners too. But like, well, he's the king.
I saw the ad. It's something like a hundred million streams. You got to see the studio.
It's perfect. Like, like eighties carpet that goes up the pylons. Yeah. And then how on the roof? Yeah. So everything is the same carpet from the floor to the roof.
It's so the mic, the golden mic is the only thing that's allowed to absorb the base. Everything else is just to dull the sound.
Well, we will, I've just realized we should just quickly mention Lego. Cause that has been a fucking runaway hit. Yeah.
Everyone's moms who were probably a bit too old to hear you on radio. Now you're their darling.
Now they're like, now that you go from Lego masters, not, not the guy that could build Lego, just host man, man, man, not brick man. No, man, Lego is really fun.
It is a really fun show. I'm we've been around a long time. You see that format on paper. You go, I don't know. And that was my, like before I kind of understood the show when I first got, when we first got like, I got told about, I was like, okay, how, I guess I didn't know there was that level of talent in Australia as like elite Lego builders, like people that can create just the more I got into it, the more I realized, Oh, this is just a show about art and creativity and Lego happens to be the medium that people are creating in. And that's really beautiful. And I got deeply into it and I am deeply into it, but it, the real test for me was like first day in the studio. It was definitely a make or break. It's season one, episode one. I was like, all right.
You know, we knew all the stuff, I knew all the stuff to say, like that particular challenge was like, Oh, you're building a city. You've got a city block or whatever.
I don't know who the other guy, I deliberately just wanted to meet the contestants on the show, like rather than kind of figure out who they were beforehand. But I do remember clearly in the back of my mind going, geez, this could be so boring. Yeah. This could be terrible.
This could be like a version therapy of like, you could smoke all these cigarettes. You think you like cigarettes? Smoke them all.
But at the end of the day, watch it all day. But at the end of the day, like, you know, the day raced by and that was a 15 hour challenge, which I'm like in screen time kind of goes for like an hour, but in real time it goes for three or four days. At the end of the day, the contestants have gone home, like all the half built models and stuff in the studio.
And me and the camera guys are walking around like so into it, like going, God, what have they done here? Look at this shit. Look at this building.
Yeah. And then we're like, Oh, I think this is interesting. Like, this is good. So that was, you know, I'd love to pretend that like, Oh yeah, like I picked it a mile away that this would be good, but it was probably a pretty big gamble. It was a gamble. I mean, it felt anything in TV is I suppose like, but it felt good. You hope it's going to be good. But that first day was, I think the moment where I properly exhaled to go, I actually think there is definitely something in this, like, cause all the fun and stuff that we have on the show and taking the piss out of reality and the stuff that I like doing on the show is all fine. But it's kind of like the last 5%.
If it's not actually interesting to watch people care about the challenge and the buildings, there's no point. It's like, what the fuck are we doing in this shed? So I love watching the, like, we never mess around with the competition. We'll mess around with format as much as we can, but we'll never, we don't want to mess around with the Lego and we don't want to mess around with the competition because we do love it and we do care about it.
So it's been, it is fun. It's a lot of fun.
Was it an original concept here? Yes and no, because there was an English version that was great. Like quite that season, one of their version was like four episodes Sunday afternoon. It actually kind of was like the master chef phenomenon. If you look at a master chef from the UK, it looks at nothing like the Australian masters. Yeah. So the UK version was like adults and kids. It was not, it was, it was, they did a really good job of it.
It's so not our show. So like channel nine, just like the hyperbole up to 25. It's like the greatest Lego story ever told. Wait till you see the part I just saw the other day, the promo for this season. And it looks sick. It's great. It's great TV. But even I had to like laugh. Just like the, it's like every promo on TV, like whatever.
It's like farmer. What did I say? The television, television, I was like, I was like, is it finally going to rain on farmer Brad's farm?
And then on the episode, it's like, no, we only got 20 points. Not that much. Probably not enough to put in a crop, which I was really hoping for, but you know, but like, it's nice having Brioni here and she's, you know, being real supportive.
Long awaited television event. Anticipate it. The most anticipated television event.
Like whether it's Mikey Jim rules, MasterChef, the block, whatever. It's like the best season yet. Every season is the greatest season of MasterChef.
And so we've, you know, we've played the game. We've gone hard on that. You're not going to believe it. And I'm sure it will get me. Out of the five seasons we've done, this has got to be top three. I don't think we'll ever beat the second season, but this is right up there, but it's, uh, it's coming. It's coming back and there's a lot of, there's a lot of hardcore promo coming your way.
Thanks for joining us today. Hey, I love coming in here, boys. I texted outside and said, turn the air con on.
They might've, but we're starting to heat up. It does get hot here in the Simpson desert. Oh, absolutely. That's what we love about it. If they dry heat it's good for the hair. See you in Australia. It's hot and also cold. Oh, that's true. It's hot, but also cold. It's dry and it is wet. We've got it all guys. |
cracked | the_3_worst_pieces_of_advice_on_the_internet_does_not_compute | Howdy, all of everybody. Hello. Come and see alive with an episode 18 of episode 17. I'm here. I can do this.
Why would you stop? I'm so sorry. Right, no, I know. Good job. But go away, though.
Why is this live now? How is this live now?
It's like meta, but like in a bad way. Hey, everybody, it's me, Skip the Android. That's not it, but you know the drill. I'm the guy. I'm going to go ahead and make up some time in the air here, if that's all right. Episode 18, barely legal joke. I'm Maxwell Silver. Clippy's this dude.
We've got the prize. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
OK, speaking of that, dude, today's topic is never take advice from the internet. The internet is an unfiltered, bottomless repository of all human knowledge and all human bottoms, which sounds great until you realize that means 99% of it is wackadoo bullshit to get you arrested if you ever tried it.
Slick, slick, slick. Now, I know, at first blush, this guy seems totally reasonable. Kind of guy you'd want to grab a beer and eviscerate a bison with. But just to be clear, he's selling these swords, not just preparing his afternoon snack truck. As CEO of Cold Steel Knives, Swords, Throwing Stars, and Pending Lawsuits Incorporated, he wants you to buy these things through your computer and thereby become more like him, a man who clearly has a wizard hat and bag of dice stowed just off camera. Right, Clippy?
What a loser. Ah, ah, ah, oh, Christ, are the boots? That seems egregious. You can't tell, but I'm wearing those same boots.
OK, well, what I meant to say before was that your decision to dress up in a shirt and tie and hack at sides of meat is so great. And awesome. And I totally support it. And I have a movie idea to run by you. Ah, think about it.
Although, I got to say, the whole death metal vibe is kind of undercut when you swap in a buff dude just to do pull ups. Bush league cop-out bullshit. Although, I suppose it would be rude to leave the segment without buying something. Tell you what, Cold Steel, what's your least weapon-like item?
Injection molded in great detail. It's made from the strongest grade of polypropylene available.
Great, yeah. So wrap me up six of those and tell you what. CS, I'm not going to buy any of your unregulated murder paraphernalia, but I will go in and fix up the advice you've been giving in the comments sections of your videos. There you go. Feel free to copy and paste that.
What the Cold Steel folks haven't realized is that humanity has evolved beyond the traditional weapons of war. Today's modern man does battle with the tools of business, subtlety, nuance, the fine manipulation of your perceptions.
You see that business card? Holds a crease. Can you tear it? Absolutely.
Looks like crap. It is crap.
Meet Jo Bauer, self-proclaimed master marketer, whose primary PR brainwave seems to be talking to you about stuff with a camera. Flicking damage on someone who would have taken her life and not thought about it for a second. So yes, what I do, but even less. I am capable of doing three things. After all, as Joel says. Life is not about being liked. Mm-hmm. And that's good, because you really fall down in that department. I mean, your whole area of expertise is supposed to be making good first impressions, and this was my first impression of you. You have me. You've been acting out like that. The point being, Joel is just the sort of dude that you love to hate.
The companies that work for IBM, Toshiba, Panasonic.
45 years have been on this planet. I had about 11 years of martial arts training.
This is the most impressive business card I've ever seen. It's mine. You know what, in fact, let's censor this guy. I'm sick of hearing him. This is expensive. Like this die cut that demonstrates incredible capabilities.
Well, that actually made it much worse somehow. You know, whenever I'm feeling confused sexually, I turn to YouTube's premier sex experts, Dan and Jennifer. I'm sorry, sex experts. Danifer, can I take that again?
How do you give her a G-spot orgasm with your fingers? Let's say she's sitting in front of you, and you stimulate her G-spot back and forth and back and forth.
If you're looking for something adjacent to pornography, or just a way to avoid giving your own kids the birds and bees talk, then this is the channel for you. Catch her by surprise, and just grab her and push her up against the wall, and then really start making out with her aggressively. Sounds like someone just masturbated to a history of violence. This works best with a pair of panties. You sound forced to rip it off. Don't rip up, OK? Oh, panties down.
OK, got it. What about anal? Rob Reiner? Anal sex is like anything else. It's something that the human body is capable of doing. Human body capable of anything. Wow, got it. You know, the only thing wrong with these videos is that they don't come with actual demonstrations.
No, I'm not going to do it. No, I'm out. I'm sorry. No, no. Thanks for watching, gang.
And remember, just because someone wears a suit and gives advice on the internet doesn't mean they're not an idiot, except for me, who is great. Am great? Pickle surprise. Whatever. No one likes a grammar, Nazi clippy. I've been your host, Troy and Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out. Your advice, your advice, your advice plus nothing else, where it looks right.
I need you to subscribe today, right now. I have until the end of the day to get subscribers, or they're going to find me.
What do you want? Do you want me to bleed? Do you want some skin?
Fucking shit. |
cracked | birdemic_worst_movie_ever_or_secret_masterpiece | What makes a movie good? Vision, craftsmanship, people getting their throat slashed by radioactive seagulls that drop acid? Well, Birdemic Shock and Terror has all three of these things, which means it's good, and I'm going to prove it. If you've never seen Birdemic Shock and Terror, it's probably because you've never heard of it.
Or you have, and you're avoiding it to protect yourself. In fact, the only way director James Nguyen could get a studio to release it in 2008 was by driving a van covered with stuffed birds through the Sundance Film Festival and hucking copies of it at people on the street. And if you have seen this almost cult classic, you're probably thinking, wait, why are we talking about that zero budget knockoff of the birds with a weird shoehorned message about global warming? When the movie itself is a dumpster fire, with terrible acting, questionable editing, talentless camera work, just the worst script, weird cinematography, no production design, the sound is bad, it looks dumb, total waste of digital space, this movie sucks, it got an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes? Well, I think Rotten Tomatoes really crapped the bed on this one, really screwed the pooch, really dropped some radioactive bird juice into my eyes, you got it. I think they're wrong. Let me film-splain it to you. While watching Birdemic, you wouldn't be wrong to think this story is a little wonky.
But first, a quick recap of the plot. Basically, Rotten, aspiring software salesman, lives a successful if lonely life in Silicon Valley. After a chance encounter, he begins dating Natalie, an old classmate, and aspiring model. Broad's company is bought out by a larger firm in a massive deal that makes him rich beyond his wildest dreams. Natalie gets chosen to be a Victoria's Secret model, however, something is brewing that neither of them are ready for.
After a night of passion, the birds attack, these two things are unrelated probably. Broad and Natalie meet up with ex-Marine Ramsey and his girlfriend Becky. They leave the motel and rescue two young children, Susan and Tony, whose parents have been killed by the birds. They drive and drive looking for food and shelter, and along the way they become a family. They meet a scientist, Ramsey and Becky die, and then they meet a tree guy. Finally, after escaping to the beach where there seems to be no other people around, they grill fish on the beach and the birds find them, but instead of attacking them, turn into doves that fly into the horizon and then it's all over.
I guess. Weird, I thought birds liked fish. Okay, so that was a lot, and you're probably thinking, what the heck was that? Two-dimensional characters, birds, radioactivity, my brain can't wrap my head around this. Actually, it can, and it's a lot, and it's a lot of dumb stuff.
That's my girl. One thing the movie does really well is that it subconsciously lays the groundwork for overarching symbolism. What the heck do I mean by that? I'll tell you what the heck I mean. In most normal films, a character has a desire, and in trying to pursue that desire, they meet a conflict, and the movie is about whether or not they can overcome that conflict to achieve what they desire. Simple enough, right? It's movie 101.
But in Birdemic, Wen instead uses characters as symbols. Characters aren't fleshed out breathing natural beings. Characters represent something. Take for example, in this scene, which literally plays a royalty-free version of John Lennon's Imagine in the Background, we see the two characters having what looks reminiscent of John Lennon and Yoko Ono's bed-ins, while a poster hangs in the background for Yoko Ono's actual website promoting world peace. She represents the idealism of humanity, that with love and happiness we can prevail. However, Wen shows us he does not agree. Then there is the scientist character.
Remember that guy, who is standing on the beach in the midst of what is supposed to be a bird sh** storm? He's there to remind us global warming exists. Because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gases, which is causing global warming.
He delivers his monologue, and... Nice meeting you. He's gone. He had one job.
Lastly, we of course have to mention the tree hugger. You're a tree hugger?
Uh, you could put it that way. His message also super direct and clear. Damn, global warming.
Symbols as characters. Wen uses imagery and plot to highlight even more symbolism in the movie and makes them central, arguably more so than the characters themselves. The ultimate symbol, traffic, is central to this idea. It's with us from the very beginning, creating a nest for which the rest of the movie revolves around. Okay, alright, that one was forced. Reminiscent of a guitar's weekend, traffic symbolizes our inherent misuse of nature and the creation of pollution.
Listen to the way Rod talks about his own car. Besides, I love my Mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid. It gets 100 mpg.
Anyways... For the final third of the film, almost every human you meet seeks protection from nature inside of a car. Protection they do not find.
By contrast, the birds are clearly nature's way of balancing itself. The birds are nature's revenge. A reminder that the natural world is bigger and more powerful than the human world.
Do you even get symbolism, Rotten Tomatoes critics? Editing. One of the most common misconceptions about Birdemic is it has crappy editing. Sound cuts in and out. Continuity errors abound. There are unnecessary cuts in angles, making normal moments feel jarring and alien. But what if that's the point?
Take for example this scene early on. We see Rod going about his daily life. Notice how his walking changes based on the angle. How the waitress's sound cuts in and out. He is disconnected in an almost existential way from the world around him. We're watching Rod's journey from a single lonely soul sucked by a corporation shell of a man to a family man surrounded by nature.
Never mind that those aren't his kids and that their real parents died a mere hours before in a violent bird attack that they have unnaturally suppressed. They look happy. We could say the same thing about the birds. They're not exactly the most fluid, normal creatures. When compared with Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, the difference is striking.
And you could say, oh, he probably didn't have the budget. Paid some dude on Fiverr to make some birds and then just stuck them in. And you might be right.
But what if everything about these birds was meticulously created? These birds inhabit a plane of the uncanny valley. The theory of the uncanny valley is that the closer something comes to seeming human, the more we like it until you reach that weird phase where it's just at which point our appreciation for it dips immeasurably. Or in this case, birds.
They aren't tethered by the laws of physics. Their digital manifestation gives them a superpower. They can do whatever they want. That's hard. Thematically, this feeds into Birdemic's central thesis. Don't piss off nature because nature's power is greater than you can even intellectualize.
All great movies have an iconic look. You can see just one frame and know immediately what movie it came from. Citizen Kane, Jaws, that one's Birdemic. It takes a lot of skill to make a movie with such a singular aesthetic. So what if everything you thought was bad about this movie was actually good about it?
Things that at first seemed random, seemed to have an internal logic. A natural aviary balance to them. |
dropout | the_problems_with_jeggings_continue | Good morning class! My name is Mr. Stevens. You can call me Mr. S. I will be your substitute teacher while Mr. Binsky is out with whooping cough. Now I hate you people for making me have to mention this so often, but I'll remind you once again. Inappropriate clothing will not be tolerated in this classroom.
Specifically, jeggins! What? These aren't jeggins, they're jepriggings. What? Jean Capri leggings.
You're not smart. Well, you're a fat-fucking-fogie. Okay, one of those words was actually a swear, so you're in trouble.
Can I wear my belly shirt? Yes. What about my belly skirt?
See, what store would actually sell that? Oh wait, no, I understand now. You're bad at wearing skirts! No, I bought this at Slut Gap. That's not a real store. It is. It's where I bought this nunsey.
You're just naked. Um, how about no? How about you don't have clothes on your body?
Omar's wearing a hat. Omar's wearing a turban. It's a religious thing. I'm also wearing a dick turban.
You let me down, man. I vouch for you, and you let me down.
Can I wear these reverse wedges? Sure, I don't know how you think you can walk in those, but fine.
Um, like this you retarded fogey? Oh, my dick turban! This is exactly why you're not supposed to wear this stuff!
How low is too low on my triple wide scoop neck sweater? I don't know. Let's consider the fact that I can see both of your fully exposed breasts. I'm not wearing my scoop neck. This is a nunsey. It's worse. Fine. I'll put on my scoop neck. Better? No, not particularly, actually. I don't understand.
What do your parents say when you leave the house? All our parents are dead. That actually makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry, guys.
Can I wear Kyle?
You're having sex at your desk! So, is that a yes? Or are you just being a fogey about it?
This is my house! This is my rules!
Understood. Yes. Hello. Sorry to interrupt. Mr. Biski, what are you doing here? You're whooping coffee. I'll be okay. I just needed to pick up some of the equals. Excuse me, class. Miss T, is that a...
Yes, it's a triple wide scoop neck sweater. Cashmere. It looks good.
Can I ask you something, Mr. Pinsky? Whooping cough. Is it known to be particularly contagious? Not in the slightest. Oh, what's the matter? You're gonna see two old foogies and triple wide scoopies? I wanna wear you, Mr. Stevens. |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Names_The_One_Person_Who_Could_Compel_Her_To_Go_On_Dancing_With_The_Stars | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez, award-winning newscaster, but also just a woman who wants her fans to know her better. I know I can come off a little icy on set, but truly, I'm a regular person just like you. After work is over, I eat my food pellets and take my youth serum injections, just like anyone else.
So, let's get to your questions. Okay, well, on Facebook today, we have a question from Scott Paul, who asks, when will you be on Dancing with the Stars?
Scott, I am one of the most powerful women in news. It's my job to make sure that millions of people know what's going on in the world. I've interviewed every American president in the last 30 years. I've predicted the death toll of every natural disaster since the 90s, before they've even occurred. People's lives depend on me doing the news.
Do you get that? Do you think I have time to go on a frivolous entertainment show to dance for some ridiculous disco ball trophy? With that being said, however, I would do Dancing with the Stars with Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. We're also a contestant. I'm fond of him. Keep those questions coming, America, and if you'd like to ask me a question, tweet it to my handle, at Brooke Alverez, or post it to my Facebook wall. |
dropout | hardly_working_yoga_teachers | Namaste, everyone, and welcome. Thank you for joining us today for our daily practice. Now, before we begin, remember, there are no judgments here.
Now, I want everyone to put your feet shoulder-width apart. Without pressing, just press your feet into the floor. Press. But remember, Pat, don't press, just press. And now, whenever your heart, Lord, commands you, I want you to take your first swan dive of the day. Listen to your body, just ooze down. Take your time, no rush, no hurry. And now, quickly, back into downward-facing dog.
We wasted a lot of time on that. And remember, everyone, breathing, always breathing. We want that vital force, okay? We want it chugging through our veins. Marina, are we breathing? No, we're not.
Everyone, Marina almost died just there. That was very scary, very frightening. And remember, everyone, to keep your Boschtes hazy. Very, very hazy Boschtes, everyone.
But if you're feeling up to it, feel free to make your Boschte buoyant, or even loquacious. That would be fun. Pat, your Boschte, please. Fresh. Whenever you're ready, push out through the kidneys and jump, flow, or teleport into Mountain Cow.
Now, I want you to pull your anus up through your taint, okay? And if that feels uncomfortable, that's fine. You've been sitting at a computer all day, okay? Your anus is just waking up. Good morning, anus. Wake up, bright and bushy, anuses. Now, everybody put your sit bones on the ground and bring your walk sticks up over your think globe for a post called Monkey with Shattered Spine. Just pull open either side of your butt. Do you feel that?
Never come to this class again. Namaste, everyone. Everyone lie flat on the ground for the most important pose in all of yoga, corpse pose. This concludes our practice for the day. Namaste. Oh my, everyone, this is so wonderful. Harle is dead. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Has_Obtained_Hundreds_Of_Classified_Documents_From_The_Trump_White_House | Thank you for joining me today.
I'm The Onion's Washington Bureau Chief Elizabeth Strickland. For more than 250 years, The Onion has stood alone as the most trusted, most venerated, and most feared name in journalism. And over that time, our publication has developed an unrivaled reputation for breaking the world's biggest stories. From our first on-the-scene coverage of the sinking of the USS Maine, which our reporters rigged to explode in Havana Harbor in 1898, to our peerless reporting on the unjust imprisonment of The Onion's dear friend and business associate, Slobodan Milosevic, in 2001. The Onion has always delivered the news faster, more accurately, and with more unrestrained brute force than any other media organization in human history. Today, The Onion is poised to carry on its rich tradition of reportage by breaking what is, without a doubt, the most important story any of our readers have ever encountered in their lifetimes, and likely will ever encounter for the remainder of their earthly existences.
Up until now, the American public have only been able to speculate about our new president and the unseen workings of his unorthodox administration. But today that all changes.
The Onion is releasing to the public a trove of classified documents and secret recordings that we have received from a whistleblower within the highest levels of President Trump's White House. The more than 700 pages of documents that we have procured provide an in-depth and unfiltered glimpse of the commander-in-chief, the figures who surround him, and the initiatives they seek to enact. It goes without saying that these documents will radically reshape the world's understanding of President Trump and his administration, and will, in all certainty, alter the course of American history forever. With the aid of The Onion's 300,000 staffers in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world, our editorial board has painstakingly authenticated every one of these pages. And in service of the public interest, The Onion has made all of these documents available to view on our website, without edits or redactions. Admittedly, there is so much information to sort through that the hundreds of migrant laborers in The Onion's basement are still combing through much of it as we speak. The collection of documents and recordings obtained by our White House informant includes countless revelations about those at the highest levels of our nation's government, from President Trump's paralyzing fear of lighthouses, to Vice President Pence's impure thoughts about the Morton Salt Girl, to Sean Spicer's descent into madness while being confined in his punishment crate. Each page of these documents is teeming with momentous disclosures that span every department, agency, and gaping pit being tunneled beneath the White House. By visiting The Onion's website, the public can now freely peruse this expansive collection of top-secret intelligence, unreleased executive orders, intercepted email correspondences, private memorandums, and countless pages of the president's doodles.
Needless to say, no individual or news organization has ever produced a document leak of such consequence or magnitude at any point in recorded history.
Before we go further, please note that The Onion has elected not to reveal the identity of its White House source. For securing this cache of documents and providing it to us at great personal peril, we will honor and protect this brave individual's anonymity. Unless, of course, there is some monetary gain to be made by The Onion in divulging the name and title of this person, in which case we encourage interested parties to please contact us via email with your phone number and bid amount. Without further delay, I'd like to take this opportunity to walk through just a few of the revolutionary White House documents that The Onion has procured.
What we're looking at here is known as the President's Daily Brief. It's a classified security briefing that President Trump receives every morning from the director of national intelligence. As you can see in this particular briefing from February 15th, the president was apprised of numerous urgent threats to the nation's security, and he was also given the latest figures on the proliferation of SU-30 fighter jets in Southeast Asia. Furthermore, the director of national intelligence provided President Trump with the latest facts regarding a submarine base that China was reportedly building in the Sea of Japan. What is particularly fascinating about each of the president's daily briefings is that they include illuminating comments and other annotations made by the president himself, such as the notes we see here next to this highly sensitive information relating to the United States fellow G7 states, or the president's apparent attempts to work through his options regarding U.S. troop drawdowns in Afghanistan. According to our source, the president receives his briefing around 6 every morning, typically over breakfast.
And thanks to the intrepid journalism of The Onion, the public now has full, unfettered access to these briefings for the first time ever. The Onion also has numerous unreleased executive orders in its possession.
This particular executive order appears to serve as a template for any number of future executive orders. Throughout this document, President Trump only needs to fill in a few words, add a detail here or there, and select one of the multiple choice wording options in order to bolster law enforcement's ability to crack down on whichever groups that he deems a threat to national security. As you can see, this executive order can be customized in any way the president sees fit in the name of enhancing national security. This particular order, like all of the others we've obtained, provides a valuable insight into the mindset of President Trump and his inner circle, and gives us a look at what we can expect in the coming months and years from this administration.
Here we have one of several lawsuits filed on behalf of President Trump by the White House counsel. In this particular suit, the president is seeking restitution from a West Wing tour group that passed by his office on March 3rd. President Trump accuses the group of a long list of injurious actions which, according to the president, caused him irreparable harm, including failing to initiate a conversation with President Trump regarding the extent of his electoral college victory, making direct eye contact with him, and yawning. The legal motion, which had been kept hidden by the Oval Office until its leak to The Onion, would certainly have far-ranging implications for President Trump if he does, in fact, win the suit and collect the $800,000 in damages he is seeking.
The collection of documents we have obtained also includes hundreds of intercepted email correspondences between key administration officials which, before today, had not been seen by any member of the general public. These email conversations provide a clear, direct, and truly candid look at the personalities who are steering our government and setting the policies that will guide our nation for the next four years. In addition to providing insight into the personalities within the Trump administration, these documents contain shocking evidence of sprawling government programs that, until now, were completely unknown outside of the West Wing.
This particular document provides details of a clandestine Department of Homeland Security program to reinstate the use of torture tactics against suspected terrorists. In this PowerPoint presentation, delivered personally to the President by the DHS Director, we can see that the federal government is intentionally seeking to skirt international law by holding enemy combatants in a timeless, lightless, extra-dimensional realm known as The Void. Due to the unique nature of this secret program, the government is completely immune from legal scrutiny and can freely detain anyone it chooses for as many millennia as it sees fit. The government can also subject these individuals to extreme interrogation techniques that are unreviewable by international courts, including depriving them of sleep for up to 40,000 years, forcing them to watch their family members grow old and die across billions of alternate universes, and placing them in a variety of stress positions that almost certainly violate the Geneva Conventions.
We believe that the public deserves the truth regarding the Trump administration's actions and intentions, which is why we're making this document and the hundreds of others we have received from our White House source available to everyone on The Onion's website. Furthermore, The Onion has received a number of documents outlining a program known as the Theseus Protocol. This program, if enacted, would greatly expand the powers of the federal government and according to this unreleased executive order, bring about the final dissolution of the Crimson Vale and establish a new dominion within our mortal plane that shall endure forever.
Additionally, these documents reveal that the Theseus Protocol, which the Trump administration evidently considers its highest priority, is being overseen by someone known only as the director. This individual has never been mentioned publicly by any member of the administration and goes completely unacknowledged on official White House personnel records. What exactly is the Trump administration hiding, and why are they attempting to conjure a being known as the many-instanced one into our dimension? The public needs to know about President Trump's role in this Theseus Protocol, as its enactment has the potential to affect every citizen and the very laws that bind our universe together.
In addition to hundreds of classified documents, The Onion has also received several secret recordings from within the West Wing, including this one dated March 9th, which captures a lunchtime interaction between a White House staffer and chief strategist, Steve Bannon. It is difficult to convey the full scope of the information that is contained within these pages, given the sheer volume of files that this White House whistleblower has supplied to The Onion.
A number of these documents provide valuable insight into the way the 45th president approaches his role in the international community, such as this series of encrypted messages that the president received from Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov, the content of which we have yet to fully decode. Other documents provide stunning glimpses into the daily operations of this notoriously opaque administration, such as this two-page questionnaire that Vice President Pence requires all individuals to fill out before entering his residence or office. Several documents shed light on the president's dealings with the business community, including this piece of correspondence between President Trump and the chief executive officer of Boeing regarding potential upgrades to Air Force One. And then there are letters from everyday Americans, including dozens of schoolchildren, seeking to share their thoughts, questions, and ideas with the enigmatic man who occupies the highest post in the United States.
And for the betterment of our nation, The Onion has made the fearless and selfless choice to share every one of the aforementioned documents, plus hundreds more with the general public. Though we do not yet know the full extent of this particular moment's historical impact, it can be stated with complete certitude that The Onion's publication of these Trump documents will long be recognized as a dramatic turning point in the American narrative, the repercussions of which will take decades, if not centuries, to fully comprehend. I want to thank you for joining The Onion as we yet again break a story of profound consequence and rewrite the annals of history once more. Please take the time to view this trove of White House documents for yourself on our website, and bask in the towering and unmatched standard of journalistic excellence that only America's finest news source is able to uphold.
Good day. ...from this administration.
Here we have one of several lawsuits filed on behalf of President Trump by the White House Council. In this particular suit, the President is seeking restitution from a West Wing tour group that passed by his office on March 3rd. President Trump accuses the group of a long list of injurious actions which, according to the President, caused him irreparable harm, including failing to initiate a conversation with President Trump regarding the extent of his electoral college victory, making direct eye contact with him, and yawning. The legal motion, which had been kept hidden by the Oval Office until its leak to The Onion, would certainly have far-ranging implications for President Trump if he does, in fact, win the suit and collect the 800,000 in damages he is seeking.
The collection of documents we have obtained also includes hundreds of intercepted email correspondences between key administration officials which, before today, had not been seen by any member of the general public. These email conversations provide a clear, direct, and truly candid look at the personalities who are steering our government and setting the policies that will guide our nation for the next four years. In addition to providing insight into the personalities within the Trump administration, these documents contain shocking evidence of sprawling government programs that, until now, were completely unknown outside of the West Wing.
This particular document provides details of a clandestine Department of Homeland Security program to reinstate the use of torture tactics against suspected terrorists. In this PowerPoint presentation, delivered personally to the President by the DHS Director, we can see that the federal government is intentionally seeking to skirt international law by holding enemy combatants in a timeless, lightless, extra-dimensional realm known as The Void. Due to the unique nature of this secret program, the government is completely immune from legal scrutiny and can freely detain anyone it chooses for as many millennia as it sees fit.
The government can also subject these individuals to fill in a few words, add a detail here or there, and select one of the multiple choice wording options in order to bolster law enforcement's ability to crack down on whichever groups that he deems a threat to national security. As you can see, this executive order can be customized in any way the President sees fit in the name of enhancing national security. This particular order, like all of the others we've obtained, provides a valuable insight into the mindset of President Trump and his inner circle, and gives us a look at what we can expect in the coming months and years from this administration.
Here we have one of several lawsuits filed on behalf of President Trump by the White House Counsel. In this particular suit, the President is seeking restitution from a West Wing tour group that passed by his office on March 3rd. President Trump accuses the group of a long list of injurious actions which, according to the President, caused him irreparable harm, including failing to initiate a conversation with President Trump regarding the extent of his electoral college victory, making direct eye contact with him, and yawning. The legal motion, which had been kept hidden by the Oval Office until its leak to The Onion, would certainly have far-ranging implications for President Trump if he does, in fact, win the suit and collect the 800,000 in damages he is seeking.
The collection of documents we have obtained also includes hundreds of intercepted email correspondences between key administration officials which, before today, had not been seen by any member of the general public. These email conversations provide a clear, direct, and truly candid look at the personalities who are steering our government and setting the policies that will guide our nation for the next four years. In addition to providing insight into the personalities within the Trump administration, these documents contain shocking evidence of sprawling government programs that until now were completely unknown outside of the West Wing.
This particular document provides details of a clandestine Department of Homeland Security program to reinstate the use of torture tactics against suspected terrorists. In this PowerPoint presentation, delivered personally to the president by the DHS director, we can see that the federal government is intentionally seeking to skirt international law by holding enemy combatants in a timeless, lightless, extra-dimensional realm known as The Void. Due to the unique nature of this secret program, the government is completely immune from legal scrutiny and can freely detain anyone it chooses for as many millennia as it sees fit.
The government can also subject these individuals to fill in a few words, add a detail here or there, and select one of the multiple-choice wording options in order to bolster law enforcement's ability to crack down on whichever groups that he deems a threat to national security. As you can see, this executive order can be customized in any way the president sees fit in the name of enhancing national security. This particular order, like all of the others we've obtained, provides a valuable insight into the mindset of President Trump and his inner circle and gives us a look at what we can expect in the coming months and years from this administration.
Here we have one of several lawsuits filed on behalf of President Trump by the White House Counsel. In this particular suit, the president is seeking restitution from a West Wing tour group that passed by his office on March 3rd. President Trump accuses the group of a long list of injurious actions which, according to the president, caused him irreparable harm, including failing to initiate a conversation with President Trump regarding the extent of his electoral college victory, making direct eye contact with him, and yawning. The legal motion, which had been kept hidden by the Oval Office until its leak to The Onion, would certainly have far-ranging implications for President Trump if he does, in fact, win the suit and collect the 800,000 in damages he is seeking.
The collection of documents we have obtained also includes hundreds of intercepted email correspondences between key administration officials which, before today, had not been seen by any member of the general public. These email conversations provide a clear, direct, and truly candid look at the personalities who are steering our government and setting the policies that will guide our nation for the next four years. In addition to providing insight into the personalities within the Trump administration, these documents contain shocking evidence of sprawling government programs that until now were completely unknown outside of the West Wing.
This particular document provides details of a clandestine Department of Homeland Security program to reinstate the use of torture tactics against suspected terrorists. In this PowerPoint presentation, delivered personally to the president by the DHS director, we can see that the federal government is intentionally seeking to skirt international law by holding enemy combatants in a timeless, lightless, extra-dimensional realm known as the void. Due to the unique nature of this secret program, the government is completely immune from legal scrutiny and can freely detain anyone it chooses for as many millennia as it sees fit. The government can also subject these individuals to extreme interrogation techniques that are unreviewable by international courts, including depriving them of sleep for up to 40,000 years, forcing them to watch their family members grow old and die across billions of alternate universes, and placing them in a variety of stress positions that almost certainly violate the Geneva Conventions.
We believe that the public deserves the truth regarding the Trump administration's actions and intentions, which is why we're making this document and the hundreds of others we have received from our White House source available to everyone on The Onion's website. Furthermore, The Onion has received a number of documents outlining a program known as the Theseus Protocol. This program, if enacted, would greatly expand the powers of the federal government and, according to this unreleased executive order, bring about the final dissolution of the crimson veil and establish a new dominion within our mortal plane that shall endure forever.
Additionally, these documents reveal that the Theseus Protocol, which the Trump administration evidently considers its highest priority, is being overseen by someone known only as the director. This individual has never been mentioned publicly by any member of the administration and goes completely unacknowledged on official White House personnel records. What exactly is the Trump administration hiding, and why are they attempting to conjure a being known as the many-instanced one into our dimension? The public needs to know about President Trump's role in this Theseus Protocol, as its enactment has the potential to affect every citizen and the very laws that bind our universe together.
In addition to hundreds of classified documents, The Onion has also received several secret recordings from within the West Wing, including this one dated March 9, which captures a lunchtime interaction between a White House staffer and chief strategist Steve Bannon. It is difficult to convey the full scope of the information that is contained within these pages, given the sheer volume of files that this White House whistleblower has supplied to The Onion.
A number of these documents provide valuable insight into the way the 45th president approaches his role in the international community, such as this series of encrypted messages that the president received from Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov, the content of which we have yet to fully decode. Other documents provide stunning glimpses into the daily operations of this notoriously opaque administration, such as this two-page questionnaire that Vice President Pence requires all individuals to fill out before entering his residence or office. Several documents shed light on the president's dealings with the business community, including this piece of correspondence between President Trump and the chief executive officer of Boeing regarding potential upgrades to Air Force One. And then there are letters from everyday Americans, including dozens of schoolchildren, seeking to share their thoughts, questions, and ideas with the enigmatic man who occupies the highest post in the United States.
And for the betterment of our nation, The Onion has made the fearless and selfless choice to share every one of the aforementioned documents, plus hundreds more with the general public. Though we do not yet know the full extent of this particular moment's historical impact, it can be stated with complete certitude that The Onion's publication of these Trump documents will long be recognized as a dramatic turning point in the American narrative, the repercussions of which will take decades, if not centuries, to fully comprehend. I want to thank you for joining The Onion as we yet again break a story of profound consequence and rewrite the annals of history once more. Please take the time to view this trove of White House documents for yourself on our website and bask in the towering and unmatched standard of journalistic excellence that only America's finest news source is able to uphold.
Good day.
Family members grow old and die across billions of alternate universes and placing them in a variety of stress positions that almost certainly violate the Geneva Conventions.
We believe that the public deserves the truth regarding the Trump administration's actions and intentions, which is why we're making this document and the hundreds of others we have received from our White House source available to everyone on The Onion's website. Furthermore, The Onion has received a number of documents outlining a program known as the Theseus Protocol. This program, if enacted, would greatly expand the powers of the federal government and, according to this unreleased executive order, bring about the final dissolution of the crimson veil and establish a new dominion within our mortal plane that shall endure forever.
Additionally, these documents reveal that the Theseus Protocol, which the Trump administration evidently considers its highest priority, is being overseen by someone known only as the director. This individual has never been mentioned publicly by any member of the administration and goes completely unacknowledged on official White House personnel records. What exactly is the Trump administration hiding and why are they attempting to conjure a being known as the many-instanced one into our dimension? The public needs to know about President Trump's role in this Theseus Protocol, as its enactment has the potential to affect every citizen and the very laws that bind our universe together.
In addition to hundreds of classified documents, The Onion has also received several secret recordings from within the West Wing, including this one dated March 9th, which captures a lunchtime interaction between a White House staffer and chief strategist Steve Bannon. It is difficult to convey the full scope of the information that is contained within these pages given the sheer volume of files that this White House whistleblower has supplied to The Onion.
A number of these documents provide valuable insight into the way the 45th president approaches his role in the international community, such as this series of encrypted messages that the president received from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, the content of which we have yet to fully decode. Other documents provide stunning glimpses into the daily operations of this notoriously opaque administration, such as this two-page questionnaire that Vice President Pence requires all individuals to fill out before entering his residence or office. Several documents shed light on the president's dealings with the business community, including this piece of correspondence between President Trump and the chief executive officer of Boeing regarding potential upgrades to Air Force One. And then there are letters from everyday Americans, including dozens of school children seeking to share their thoughts, questions, and ideas with the enigmatic man who occupies the highest post in the United States.
And for the betterment of our nation, The Onion has made the fearless and selfless choice to share every one of the aforementioned documents, plus hundreds more with the general public. Though we do not yet know the full extent of this particular moment's historical impact, it can be stated with complete certitude that The Onion's publication of these Trump documents will long be recognized as a dramatic turning point in the American narrative, the repercussions of which will take decades, if not centuries, to fully comprehend. I want to thank you for joining The Onion as we yet again break a story of profound consequence and rewrite the annals of history once more. Please take the time to view this trove of White House documents for yourself on our website and bask in the towering and unmatched standard of journalistic excellence that only America's finest news source is able to uphold.
Good day.
Family members grow old and die across billions of alternate universes and placing them in a variety of stress positions that almost certainly violate the Geneva Conventions.
We believe that the public deserves the truth regarding the Trump administration's actions and intentions, which is why we're making this document and the hundreds of others we have received from our White House source available to everyone on The Onion's website. Furthermore, The Onion has received a number of documents outlining a program known as The Theseus Protocol. This program, if enacted, would greatly expand the powers of the federal government and, according to this unreleased executive order, bring about the final dissolution of the crimson veil and establish a new dominion within our mortal plane that shall endure forever.
Additionally, these documents reveal that The Theseus Protocol, which the Trump administration evidently considers its highest priority, is being overseen by someone known only as the director. This individual has never been mentioned publicly by any member of the administration and goes completely unacknowledged on official White House personnel records. What exactly is the Trump administration hiding and why are they attempting to conjure a being known as the many-instanced one into our dimension? The public needs to know about President Trump's role in this Theseus Protocol, as its enactment has the potential to affect every citizen and the very laws that bind our universe together.
In addition to hundreds of classified documents, The Onion has also received several secret recordings from within the West Wing including this one dated March 9th, which captures a lunchtime interaction between a White House staffer and chief strategist, Steve Bannon. It is difficult to convey the full scope of the information that is contained within these pages given the sheer volume of files that this White House whistleblower has supplied to The Onion.
A number of these documents provide valuable insight into the way the 45th president approaches his role in the international community, such as this series of encrypted messages that the president received from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, the content of which we have yet to fully decode. Other documents provide stunning glimpses into the daily operations of this notoriously opaque administration, such as this two-page questionnaire that Vice President Pence requires all individuals to fill out before entering his residence or office. Several documents shed light on the president's dealings with the business community, including this piece of correspondence between President Trump and the chief executive officer of Boeing regarding potential upgrades to Air Force One. And then there are letters from everyday Americans, including dozens of school children seeking to share their thoughts, questions, and ideas with the enigmatic man who occupies the highest post in the United States.
And for the betterment of our nation, The Onion has made the fearless and selfless choice to share every one of the aforementioned documents, plus hundreds more with the general public. Though we do not yet know the full extent of this particular moment's historical impact, it can be stated with complete certitude that The Onion's publication of these Trump documents will long be recognized as a dramatic turning point in the American narrative, the repercussions of which will take decades, if not centuries, to fully comprehend. I want to thank you for joining The Onion as we yet again break a story of profound consequence and rewrite the annals of history once more. Please take the time to view this trove of White House documents for yourself on our website and bask in the towering and unmatched standard of journalistic excellence that only America's finest news source is able to uphold.
Good day. |
SaturdayNightLive | janet_reno_s_dance_party_president_clinton_saturday_night_live | And now, from the home of the Attorney General of the United States, it's time for Janet Reno's Dance Party. welcome to my dance party coming to you live from the deck of a battleship. it's really just my basement. Say, I really like that song a lot. I want to dance to that one again. Janet? Janet, it's present. I just wanted to drive by and tell you how good it was to see you the other night at my State of the Union address. it seemed so relaxed and happy, just like your old self. Who are you? I'm your President, Jan Sweet. See, the Janet Reno I saw the other night is the Janet Reno I need to see more of in my second term.
See, I don't know what's motivating all this dance party madness or anything like that, but you know, believe me, no one holds you responsible for the events that took place in Waco, Dear. Waco! Dance Party takes away Waco!
Get out! Get Out!
Man, I really like that song. And now it's time for a segment of the show that I call Teen Talk, where I roll up my sleeves and shoot straight with the kids of today as we tackle the issues that affect them most. Hello there. what's your name and how old are you? my name is Linda and I'm 17. Little crap, you liar. where do you go to school? Ridgeway High. Shut your trap. just shut it, you little liar. what do you like to do for fun? Oh, man, I have this skateboard. I love to do dance. Okay, I'm sick and tired of all your lies.
Now, I want you to shut up and listen to what our next guest has to say. she started a teen-run health clinic in her high school. Please welcome Amanda Cross. welcome, Amanda. please tell me about your clinic. Well, we wanted to create a place where teens could feel safe. You give away condoms at your clinic. Why do you feel this is so important? Well, Miss Reno, most of the kids in our high school are sexually active.
And aside from birth control, the use of condoms can help to prevent some venereal diseases. Do you know one disease they can't prevent? Uh, no. these diseases! my two fists! Now, get out and stop giving away condoms. I didn't have sex until I was 45. and even then, it wasn't real.
Well, that's all we have this week on the dance party. join us next when our show takes place Live from the Lincoln Memorial. I'll be coming to you live from Honest Aid's lab. See, that's it! you kids asked for it! Here comes 180 pounds of pure Reno! Stop touching me there! What? touching my grip! |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_fight_club | I want you to do me a favor. Yeah, sure. I want you to hit me as hard as you can. What? I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Fight Club, the ultimate cult movie. It bombed at the box office, but now it's a certified classic. Here are some things that will change the way you watch Fight Club forever. Director David Fincher was going to call the movie Fight House, but changed it at the last minute as a reference to Fight Club, a novel by Chuck Palahniuk with similar themes.
It's hard to spot them all, but Fincher has claimed in interviews that Ed Norton is hidden somewhere in every scene of the film. On set, Fincher was a notorious perfectionist. For this shot, it took 18 takes to get one where Helena Bonham Carter didn't get hit by a car.
After saying the first rule of Fight Club, Brad Pitt totally spaced out on the second rule and just repeated the first one. You do not talk about Fight Club. Now this is what Fight Club is all about. The fighting.
Each fighter was paid over $100,000 for his work, but that's a little misleading. In order to get them to fight realistically, David Fincher only paid the champion of a winner take all tournament.
Tyler Durden flashes on screen several times throughout the movie. Here, here, and here again during the support group montage. This is Fincher's sly way of reminding you that Tyler is a character in the movie, and a very important one at that.
All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. Fight Club does have some embarrassing goofs. In this scene, Ed Norton and Brad Pitt's characters have the exact same briefcase. Oops. And who's that in the bottom right corner of the hotel commercial? Brad Pitt? Doy. Here's another dumb one. Brad Pitt is driving this car.
But when it crashes, Ed Norton gets out of the driver's seat. Tyler is dragging the narrator here, but on the security feed, where did he go? And who's tossing him down the stairs? Looks like someone messed up big time. In the last shot of the film, check out what happens to the skyscraper scenery in the background. Yikes. Who let that sneak into the final cut?
And okay, pause here. This one is not a goof. The internet calls it the Fight Club Dragon, though to my eye, it's more like a mysterious hairy worm. Either way, it's timing right at the end suggests that Fincher is leaving us a cryptic clue to decipher. Beats me. Well, that's it for now.
But Fight Club is a film with over 500,000 frames, so many that no one has seen them all. And there's always more secrets to find. Why not watch some of them yourself and tell us what we missed in the comments? |
cracked | ded_talks_why_walt_disney_is_nothing_like_you_think_he_was_disney_parody | It all started with a mouse. But thanks to the hard work of countless Disney staff and no women or black people, my dream of putting my name on everything a human being might come into contact with before age 18 has become a reality. And can any of you name even one of those talented Disney animators? Max Fleischer! Exactly, no one important. So how did I take the work of thousands of artists and boil all the credit down into one name? My name? The name on the castle?
Well, I'll tell you. And it didn't have anything to do with Tinker Bell's magic fairy dust or Dumbo's magic feather or even Brair Rabbit's tar baby shenanigans. God help us.
No, it was through relentless vision. From childhood, I pursued my vision without ever questioning its lasting impact or my own motivation or whether building a sprawling empire out of a cartoon mouse might in fact be the delusion of a madman. It made my vision happen by sheer force of will and with exacting standards, the kind of standards that led my own employees to call me an asshole and a shit publicly to stage massive strikes over their long hours in low pay. And for me, subsequently, to tell the FBI that those union leaders of theirs were communist agitators just to get them hauled away. Like I said, vision.
After all, in my vision of the Disney universe, there's no room for pinko liberal bleeding hearts to spoil the magic of families paying $100 a head just so their kids can take pictures with college football mascots and furries. It's the same reason I didn't hire black people in my parks. Actually, a lot of fantasias about that aside from all the devil worship. And speaking of wild flights of fancy, did you know that many women applied to be Disney animators in the early days? Fortunately, I nipped that in the bud with a letter declaring the drawing of cartoon animals to be the sole domain of young, virile American men. Saving us all, I'm sure, from a spate of animated shorts about the washing up and that time of the monthlies. But that's not to say the fair sex has nothing to offer us. I was the only children's entertainer with the vision to meet with Nazi propagandist Lenny Riefenstahl shortly after Kristallnacht. When everyone else in town refused on moral principles, well, I just call it old-fashioned rudeness.
And I think my friends at the Motion Picture Alliance for the preservation of American ideals would agree. Those guys like me so much, they stuck by me after I got caught calling the Seven Dwarves an n-word pile. Great group of guys.
And with their help and with the help of thousands of other people who have chosen to remain anonymous in the annals of history for some reason, the Disney brand has affected every aspect of modern culture. From our helpless, beautiful, man-dependent princesses to our many orphan protagonists to our whitewashing of whole genocides we, and by we I really mean I here, have taken sheer vision and turned it into the stories your sons and daughters fear and aspire to. You see, I've made the world a better, more magical, and as Lenny would say, purer place and important people have taken notice. Like, did you know that those folks at that upstart fast food chain McDonald's credit copying Disney branding with their current dominant market share?
I say good luck to them. And you're welcome, heart disease medication manufacturers of the world. If one thing can show you that all you really need in this life is vision and the willingness to put your name very, very large on things, here's the kicker.
You see this mouse? Well, the thing is, I didn't even create it. I stole it from either the Performo toy company or Felix the Cat or Oswald the Rabbit or Milton Mouse or Ignat's Mouse. Honestly, I can't even remember. There were a lot of cartoon mice flying around at the time. It was a crazy decade. All I remember is this.
I set old Ub Iwerks down and had him draw Steamboat Willie entirely himself. And then I went to Ub and I said, Ub better clean out your desk because you don't Iwerks here anymore. And then when Ub tried to start his own studio, I crushed it. Now honest engine, and I know that's an oxymoron, don't get started, but honest engine, I haven't drawn one of my own cartoons since 1929 because it's not about the cartoons or the content or the product.
It's about a world of Disney. It's about a universe of cartoon rodents and pants. It's about making so, so, so much money.
Well, there you have it. That's the story of a humble old visionary who whitewashed his own narrative as he did so many other stories to the point that this young Jim Stewart type is playing him in movies and not just any movies, Disney movies. But, by the way, you ever notice that my company's logo has a 666 in it there? I mean, it's probably nothing, but who knows, right? I mean, that one scene in The Lion King definitely says sex in the sky, so I guess when it comes to me and my company, anything goes. Anyhow, in that spirit and in closing, let me just say, thank you very much for having me, and fuck you, John Lasseter. And so on, and we get a real virus of a content going.
So please subscribe. And then click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up or like an A-OK or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
TheOnion | Evander_Holyfield_To_Box_Horse_For_Heavyweight_Title | You're back in the sports though. Professional boxing has been losing fans to UFC and the WWE for years. But this weekend, all eyes will be on the sweet science when Evander Holyfield boxes a horse for the WBA Heavyweight Championship. Promoters are betting the Philly feud will be one of the biggest fights in decades as Holyfield and the horse go 12 rounds, hands to hooves. Evander the real deal Holyfield, a horse with nothing left to lose. Redemption waits in the ring. Holyfield versus Evening Dream at the Bellagio.
Break out those envelopes you'd like to reseal and let's head to the steam room. The Steam Room, brought to you by Coke Zero. Coke Zero, real Coke taste and zero calories. You're in the steam room where we steam clean the stain of deception from the carpet of sports alongside OSN boxing analyst Adam Branigan. I'm Tim Devanen. Adam, breathe deeply and hold the steam in your lungs. All right, the steam room begins now.
Boxing has tried everything to recapture the fans, reality shows, D-list celebrity matchups. What makes this match so different? There's so much on the line here.
All the doctors have told Holyfield to retire. Nobody wants to fight the guy. What does he do?
Boom, he takes on an animal four times the size of a man. The Holyfield has called Evening Dream a worthy opponent and quote, one tough horse, but his manager had this to say at the weigh-in. Look, Evening Dream's a nice man, but you get in the ring with the big boys, you better be ready to get hurt. Evander's gonna kill that horse, that horse is dead.
Now with all this bad blood, is the fight gonna live up to the hype? Oh, definitely. This is exactly what boxing is all about. You think so? Two men, or one man and one horse, or one man and two men riding in on a horse, settling their differences in the ring like men and horses. All right, but what about the critics who say Holyfield should hang up the gloves and retire from boxing for good? What do you say?
Holyfield is in the best shape of his life. Okay. This guy's training six hours a day. Right. Jumping rope. Nice. Even sparring with a Holstein cow named Tiffany, who, by the way, is a great boxer in her own right.
All right, Brannigan, it's time for the final sweat. You will most likely die from the steam. We shall see. You're Evander Holyfield.
What's your game plan to knock this horse out? Realistically, Holyfield's only gonna be able to punch that horse once before it goes totally berserk. And then when it's thrashing around in the ring, he's gotta punch that horse right in the neck and face and keep on punching and punching and punching until it dies. That's how you beat a horse.
All right, the early rumors have the winner taking on Dylan the Lion with the belt on the line. Thoughts? It's about time. I mean, how many people does that lion have to eat before it earns a title shot?
Adam Brannigan, there's a doctor waiting for you backstage to make sure you've suffered no ill effects from the steam room. I'll go see him right now. Those guys are going to smell like steam for days. But coming up, Tiger Woods and Roger Federer frolic around on the set of the new Gillette Razor commercial. |
dropout | if_barack_obama_were_donald_trump_with_reggie_brown | Folks, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss.
You don't even wait. When you're president, they let you do it. You can do anything. Just walk up and grab them by the... Grab them by the... Mr. President, what do you hope your legacy will be?
Well, first, let me say that Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting. Take a look at her. She's a slob. She's got that just fat, ugly face.
I watched our police and our firemen at the World Trade Center on 7-11. We have a huge obligation to recognize that I have the best words. They're unbelievable. Big league. Reach on down and grab them by the...
You see, I have a very, very great balance sheet. So great that when I did the old post office on Pennsylvania Avenue, the United States government, because of my balance sheet, which they actually know very well, chose me to do the old post office. Between the White House and Congress, they chose me. What do you hope for the future of the nation?
Well, I have two beautiful daughters. In fact, if they weren't my daughters, I might be dating them. I'm inspired by goofy Senator Elizabeth Warren, who I call Pocahontas. Heidi Klum, let me be clear.
She's no longer a 10. Mr. President, do you have any regrets? Yeah, well, I should say that Robert Pattinson never should have taken Kristen Stewart back. She cheated on him like a dog. And she'd do it again. He can do so much better.
Teachers give our children courage. There's a 10-year-old girl here. I'll be dating her in 10 years. But teachers...
Does violence in our cities concern you? You know what it does. I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and start shooting folks. And I would not lose any voters.
I moved on her and I failed. I'll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. That's huge news. I moved on her like a b***h. I couldn't get there, and she was married. And all of a sudden, I see her. She's got the big phony t***, and she's totally changed her look.
Sheesh, you're girls hot as shit in the purple? Whoa. Yes. Yes, the president has scored. Whoa, my man. It better not be the publicist. No, it's her. I'd better use some tic-tacs. The lower end of the female... Actually, you know what? I'm not gonna say that. Pussy. The word was pussy.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | why_did_i_order_the_shit_salad_hot_date | Folks, we ready? I am. Um, I, yes, I, you go, I'll figure it out. I will have the filet mignon with whipped potatoes. And for you, miss?
Um, I... will have... me... shit salad. Phenomenal. Thank you. Shit salad? I don't know, I just panicked and I ordered the first thing I saw. You don't even like shit.
Why don't you just grab the waiter and tell him you want something different? No, no, I'm not gonna be rude. They're probably already making the shit. It's not rude, just get what you want.
No, you know what, it's honestly, it's fine. The more we're talking about it, I actually think I'm kind of getting in the mood for... shit. For the gentleman? Mmm, that looks good. That's really good. And, for you miss, for your shit salad. Yes, please. A little more. Very good. Okay. Enjoy.
At least it's a lot of shit. Like, sometimes you get a shit salad and it's just one little rabbit poop. Oh, ew. There's onions in it.
Wanna do splitsies? You can't retroactively call splitsies.
I got a steak so that I wouldn't have to eat shit.
You sure? And look at this thing, it's so... leafy and... shitty and... Well, am I kidding? This salad is shit.
Everything is so good. It is really good. This shit is cooked perfectly.
I hear that. She says that. That's phenomenal.
I'll just get it to go and secretly throw it out later. Don't waste food. If you're gonna be a baby, just give me your shit salad, I'll eat it.
Really? Yeah. Okay. You know, you really shouldn't order something you don't want.
Grow up, Emily. It's cold. What's up, the world?
From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date.
That's right. It's gonna be coming to you weekly. And if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes.
These are other people's. But... we're holding them, so... who's the real winner? |
dropout | Watch_My_Stuff_or_Die_Trying | Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you. Could you just watch my stuff? I'm going to run to the bathroom. Oh, sure. Thank you. Get the hell away from that stuff! What? I said, get away. Ah, how clever of the owner of those belongings to appoint someone to watch your stuff. That's right. No one's going near that copy of Eat, Pray, Love as long as I have anything to do about it! Ugh! Fine! I guess I'll just have to steal the secrets of self-empowerment elsewhere. Don't worry. I'm watching that lady's stuff.
Oh, are you now? You think you have what it takes to protect that lady's chapstick from my dry, dry lips? Oh! Go for my lipsies!
I'm thinking I have what it takes, chap. What do you think you're doing?
Um, I'm just, uh, busting this coffee cup. That cup belongs to the nameless woman in the bathroom. I have snipers planted all around this cafe to end anyone who goes near that stuff.
If you do... Now scram! But also, can I get more half and half, please? Thank you.
No one is going near those belongings.
You got that, chumps? That woman was incredibly smart to have someone watch her stuff. But those cough drops will be mine. That highlighter in there? Sure would be mighty helpful editing my friend's screenplay. Don't forget that loose pack M. Minoshi put in there a month ago and forgot about, and now they're just loose and crumbly on the bottom. That stuff is tasty.
No one is stealing that stuff! Nobody!
Soon my slightly annoying cough will be cured. What happened here? Don't worry. Your stuff is safe. Where are my cough drops?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. They must have taken it.
I said watch my stuff. For 0.005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I... I need it. |
cracked | the_one_self_help_group_we_d_actually_join_people_watching_7 | Hey, I didn't get an RSVP from you. Are you coming to the big employee thing at that club tonight? Oh, sorry. I totally forgot.
Yeah, for sure. Great. I'm putting you down for plus two. We're all allowed to bring in a couple people Awesome, perfect Hi, my name is Safra and I'm secretly a gigantic loser with no friends Hi, Safra I guess it started in adulthood Like when I was a kid I had all kinds of friends and everyone on the street would hang out and we'd be outside all the time And even in high school, I had a really close group of friends But then after graduation everyone went off to separate universities and I never really recovered socially I have a great job and a great place and people stop me on the street to say they love my outfits But I go to the movies by myself half the time or with co-workers that barely like me because there's no one to ask It sucks and what I keep thinking about is that if I ever get married my side of the church is gonna be like three people Oh god, the wedding problem. Oh, man. Yeah, totally hundred percent.
Yeah, I almost want to look into that I feel like maybe there's some kind of website for loser weddings where they disguise it by hiring actors to fill out the chapel Or something there's a tech startup idea Yeah, that's me anyway Thank you for sharing Safra. Shall we keep moving around the room? Hi, my name is Candy I was at a staff party earlier watching everyone else talk to everyone else as usual and I basically came straight here Oh and I was in a hospital for four months and didn't have one visitor. So yeah Well, actually my name isn't candy it's Joan I secretly have a boring name and I've surreptitiously been a pathetic loser for about 10 years now I guess I get free hair products at the salon like a problem gambler gets free drinks and I tan and I work out and I fucking really think I'm alright and I make a lot of money at work and clients send me free shit and half the people at work are Too intimidated to talk to me because I'm fucking really good at what I do But on days off I'm basically just sitting on the couch with a huge thing of sadness wine because there's a giant amazing poster of me on the Building where I work, but I literally have no friends sadness wine, right? I actually have a wine mug a mug for drinking wine. There should literally be a fridge You can buy with a wine dispenser on it instead of those goddamn french fry ice cubes wine fridge Oh my god, or you could have just a water cooler except wine taps were red and white and like wine fridges Isn't that fantastic?
Let's keep moving along. Shall we all right?
Hi, my name is Ted I'm a successful artist with thousands of fans But I made like 12k last year and I live like a 17th century ship stowaway Like I honestly have no idea how I don't have scurvy right now. I know a place that sells hard tack I'm not even joking. Yep. There it is So yeah, I've had books out from major publishers had a comedy special on CTV won awards I go back home and people stare at me and talk about how famous I am But the arts economy being what it is. I literally am poor. I am a poor person There are definitely some kind of handouts I could be collecting right now if I was actually responsible Do you ever do you ever give homeless people fives or tens just to try and you know act like you're somehow different from them I did that on the way here. Here you go, buddy. I hope things turn around for you Meanwhile, I'm eating mustard sandwiches for dinner hold the bread But no one would ever know I date women and they probably wonder why I always want to eat in But it's literally just to save money. So yeah, that's me coming up on eight years now.
I've secretly been a total loser Listening to you. I'm thinking God, you're clearly a huge success. You're just faking being a loser It's so hard to internalize that anyone else could be in the exact same situation as you you know Oh my god, totally. I was instantly thinking that with you like why is this super hot chick here? She's obviously not a loser Somehow forgetting the entire premise of why everyone's here who would like to share next You over there you haven't said much Okay, sure Hi, my name is Jackson and I'm secretly a gigantic loser Hey Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.
Oh, these guys are all so normal when extroverted They don't belong here. But obviously no one would pretend to be a loser I have that kind of shyness where it's right in the perfect area where everyone thinks you're just aloof instead even though you're actually afraid of everyone and everything Like I'll leave in the middle of parties or something because I need to go be alone in a room to recharge But I have this error about me where everyone thinks I'm just rudely storming off instead Yeah, exactly So yeah I'm cursed to seem like I know what I'm doing even though I don't so no one knows that I'm secretly a loser with no Life and no close friends like that thing about the wedding Jesus I know I was just kind of sitting there smirking with my arms crossed but inside I was going nuts Completely know what you mean. I used to have that accidental aloofness thing, too Eventually you get so jaded it transitions into legitimate aloofness Like I do not give a fuck about any of you right now I want to but I gave up a long time ago. So now I just push everyone away. Oh Man, you're me in like six months. You'd never know but me too Fully well, that's it.
You know, what do you do when the exterior and the interior don't match at all? They say there's no such thing as normal, but there's definitely a common experience, you know And a set of expectations about appearances and if you divert from that in any direction you're fucked. Yeah, exactly It's not if you're thin or fat or ugly or beautiful It's just that you're different and sometimes it's not even people telling you you're different It's you assuming they think you're different and then when you belatedly realize that no one actually ever said anything It's too late Your identity is already too firmly established and you're some hopelessly inaccurate reactionary combination of exterior and interior Up amusing glimpse into the psyche. It's true There's probably nothing important about me that you could assume from my appearance. This is terrible advertising Oh, I know I work in an office with functional adults. So all my interests are things i've literally never said out loud web comics gem in the holograms Ah, that feels weird women's fashion apps nihilistically eating ice cream for breakfast Probably shouldn't have said that one fuck.
I thought that was just me Seriously, my apartment has this great big beautiful kitchen. Meanwhile, my idea of cooking is putting Doritos in a bowl Oh, but how can that be you're so pretty and successful.
Sorry secretly a complete disaster my neighbor in my building He's this middle-aged stocky guy a construction worker or something Comes home at the same time every day eats dinner alone watches tv alone stumbles home from the bar on friday nights alone Literally never seen him with another person And I just think that's me In 20 years, you know Rodding away in some box apartment getting excited when you get bills in the mail And I suck and i'm poor and I have no friends, but i've superficially elevated myself just enough That no one is ever going to ask if I need anything because clearly I'm fine I just worry about the future so much I know it's like Statistically someone has to be the old person who dies alone in a heatwave and isn't found for weeks And gets eaten by their cats And who is young once? Why is it so hard to change why can't people just ask the number of times i've almost posted on facebook? Does anyone want to come over and hang out is just too damn high Society I guess we send out this message where various things indicate that you've made it So if someone has one of those things then they shall never again need assistance And how does that make you feel? I don't know I've told people and they know and they still don't ask People can know the facts but can't get past appearances or they can but only to your detriment Like what's that one episode of signfield where he's dating a girl who seems really great But everyone tells him to ditch her because She's actually a loser Yeah Well, that's our time for tonight I'd like to thank you all for the courage you've shown in sharing your experiences with secretly being enormous losers Yeah, whatever So Hey, maybe I should ask him if he wants to go catch a movie Although she did say she's used to going to movies by herself And he probably would have asked me already if he wanted to and i'm clearly not on her level anyway So he'll obviously say no and I don't want to look like a loser I'm so sad and lonely Come on and take a chance with me Hi, i'm john. I play jackson on people watching except right now i'm not animated and don't have cool sleeve tattoos like he does Thanks a lot for checking out the episode. If you want to see more check out facebook.com slash subnormality And if I did have a tattoo, it would be a fragile and it would be a full yakuza back tattoo Afraid Crane Put in the tv show frasier |
SaturdayNightLive | big_dumb_cups_snl | Hey, momma. are you like us? a pretty lady who drives a big car? are you between 12 and 70 and go to Target every damn day? are you physically or at least spiritually blonde? Well, we're still rocking our big dumb hats. but I know what you're thinking. wasn't that last year's dumbass thing? Hell yeah. that's why now we're all about them.
Big Dumb cups. it's more than just a cup. it's a Big cup. Is there a void in your life? Fill it with cup. Big Dumb Cup. have women killed for this cup?
Almost. And a bunch.
This is the cup that says, I'm a virgin, but I also have six kids. it's the cup that says, my favorite rapper, that's Kesha. And it says to the world, when Trader Joe's drops a new snack, I touch myself.
And it's the cup that says, i start decorating for Christmas tomorrow. Big Dumb Cup.
Mmm. you can really taste the bacteria.
I'm getting lead. if your car explodes, you won't survive, but your Big Dumb cup will. And it doesn't leak at all. See? it holds almost an entire bottle of Josh. get in there, Josh. Want to hear a secret? if I'm not sipping, I'm peeing. why do you think they spell it C-u-p?
I'm bad.
Girl, you're crazy, mama. Now, wait just a minute. did your cup maybe get bigger? Maybe.
I got two cups. one for me, and one for my grandma's ashes. she's still with us, but Nana, when you kick, We got the cup. I got one cup for each of my kids.
Braxton, Braxton, Brownstone, and Little Stanley.
Well, I got the version designed by Ugg. mmm. tastes like foot. each cup weighs up to 35 pounds. don't believe me? get a close up. you look cool from head to toe. The cup goes everywhere I go. gym, church, my wedding. And Big Dumb Cup is also an air fryer. Yum. I think my cup is cabinet with another cup. so cute. Hey, girls, did you know guys like these cups, too? no way. yeah, I got a manly red one, and I love how it keeps my cold brew cold.
Show us. gross. you sound like a baby on a tit. Get out of here. that was a close one. Wait, mama, be real with me. did your cup just get even bigger? Maybe.
Big dumb cups from the makers of Big Ass Hops. so rockin'' our big dumb hats. But I know what you're thinkin'. wasn't that last year's dumbass thing? Hell yeah. that's why now we're all about them.
Big dumb cups. it's more than just a cup. it's a big cup. Is there a void in your life? Fill it with cup. Big Dumb Cup. have women killed for this cup?
Almost. And a bunch.
This is the cup that says, I'm a virgin, but I also have six kids. it's the cup that says, my favorite rapper? that's Kesha. And it says to the world, when Trader Joe's drops a new snack, I touch myself. And it's the cup that says, I start decorating for Christmas tomorrow.
Big Dumb Cup. you can really taste the bacteria. I'm getting lead. if your car explodes, you won't survive, but your big Dumb cup will.
And it doesn't leak at all. See? it holds almost an entire bottle of Josh. get in there, Josh. Want to hear a secret? if I'm not sippin', I'm peein'.' why do you think they spell it C-u-p?
I'm bad.
Girl, you're crazy, mama. Now, wait just a minute. did your cup maybe get bigger? Maybe.
I got two cups. one for me and one for my grandma's ashes. she's still with us, but Nana, when you kick, we got the cup. I got one cup for each of my kids. Brixton, Braxton, Brownstone, and Little Stanley. well, I got the version designed by Ugg. mmm, tastes like foot. each cup weighs up to 35 pounds. don't believe me? get a close up. you look cool from head to toe.
Big Dumb Cup goes everywhere I go. gym, church, my wedding. And Big Dumb Cup is also an air fryer.
Yum. I think my cup is pregnant with another cup. Aw, so cute. Hey, girls, did you know guys like these cups, too?
For no way.
Yeah, I got a manly red one, and I love how it keeps my cold brew cold.
Show us. Wow. you sound like a baby on a tit. Get Out Of Here. that was a close one. Wait, mama, be real with me. did your cup just get even bigger? Maybe. big dumb cups from the makers of big ass hops. thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_81_nrl_grand_final_special_bloke_in_a_bar | Welcome to the 2019 NRL Grand Final Special on the Batutah Advocate radio show. I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, joined of course by Errol Parker, editor-at-large. Now if you're listening to this podcast and you don't know how, it's probably because you've opened up one of our NRL Grand Final Special stories. And if you want to pause this podcast, you can find it just under the second paragraph. For everyone else, thank you for tuning in. We're recording live out of Baxter Boots Studio in downtown Batutah. And today we have a very special guest as NRL Club journeyman, if you will, but also a growing voice in rugby league journalism, rugby league media. And he's here today to spill the beans on the culture that is rugby league, what has changed since he was playing not that long ago, and what remains very much the same. He's also going to give us some analysis and some predictions on this Sunday's Grand Final showdown between the Canberra Raiders and the Sydney Roosters. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
Last weekend was a dismal, dismal performance in the AFL. A lot of people left questioning whether it was a practical joke, watching those poor buggers from GWS get kicked around the park.
And to talk about it today, we've been joined by a visionary rugby league media personality. I guess you're not used to that term. Probably one of the more prominent voices in rugby league media. And he's one that's allowed to say whatever he wants because he's not beholden to anyone.
Dina Kent from the locker room.
How are you, mate? Very good. Thank you. It's visionary. I think that's a bit extravagant. Rugby league oracle.
But I'll take it. I'll take it.
Now, mate, I guess you were kind of like a bit of a ponger coming up, weren't you? You were kind of bouncing between codes before settling on rugby league. I mean, probably nowhere near as good as ponger. So maybe, I thought you were up there.
Home brand ponger. Home brand black and gold ponger. Black and gold ponger.
No, I played a bit of soccer, actually. A lot of soccer. I didn't play any rugby league growing up. So yeah, I was fully into the soccer.
I was going to go to England for it all. And I just was mucking around with some mates at school in a thing called Competunity Shield. And basically, a coach came to me and said, Look, what would you do if an NRL club was interested in you? And I was like, whatever. I'm just having fun. Because I just wanted days off school because I had nationals for soccer the next week.
That's why I wasn't going to go. I didn't want to get injured.
Yeah, at the end of the carnival, I won this player's most potential. But I actually just come down with really bad sickness. So when I won the...
Glandula. Some teenager. Yeah, something like that. Something from some sexually transmitted disease or something like that. Just bashing in a blue light.
Even though I was still a virgin, but whatever. But yeah, I got played with the most potential and I was sick. So when I got it, at the time, you couldn't speak to anyone before a certain deadline.
So Ivan Henjak, the Broncos, ended up being a Broncos coach. He just said, Look, I'm sorry if you're with another club, but you've won the award. If you want to come to our development camp, blah, blah, blah.
Because I was sick, I was just like, whatever. I didn't even think about it. And then I went home, told my parents, and they called Broncos.
And they're like, Look, he doesn't play rugby league. He's got nationals for soccer. What does he want to do?
And yeah, long story short, they were really interested. And then AFL actually became interested. Because they found out a kid could switch or whatever. And yeah, so I had a meeting with the Brisbane Lions, actually. And they just said, We'll fast track you if you come across to us. Six months, get you the draft. And I just had to make the choice, I guess.
Because I was with the Queensland Roar. The A-League was coming in the next year. So I went to them and they just said, Look. Because I was 16, I think, at the time, in the reserve grade side. And the first grade side was the one that played in the A-League. So I was, you know, in the system to play A-League or whatever. It was Daria Vidicic. I used to play with him and all those boys. And yeah, so I decided footy.
So how steep was the learning curve going into the NRL? You know, like, you had to learn to tackle, had to learn to pass.
Oh, mate. Had to learn to use your hands, really. Oh, mate.
It was, honestly, so the first training session I rocked up. I, first of all, so we had tackling on the pads.
And because when you play soccer, you have no traps.
Like, I know it's for the tree. I've got some traps now.
You've got a neck. Yeah, I have a neck. You've got a neck. Exactly. Now I have no neck.
But yeah, so the first session, it was on the diamond pads. And they're just shields that go across your chest.
And for anyone that doesn't know much about footy, like, this is warm up. This is nothing. Like, this is juggling a soccer ball to warm up.
I did two tackles and I had to stop because I was, like, I was cramping from the impact. And also, I'm tackling the best players in the country because it's the Broncos and, you know.
Is Wayne still coach? Wayne was a coach, yeah, yeah.
And so he was actually the one that asked them to fast track me to go to their, because I was supposed to go to the development camp. Ended up going to their elite camp, fast tracked to the elite camp.
Anyway, so did the first session, absolute, like, 72 kilos, completely fish out of water.
Didn't know the rugby league culture. I was very, I just, the camaraderie, the banter was totally different to soccer. Soccer, you had to call the coach, sir, and you weren't allowed to walk around in thongs. And if you didn't have a water ball in your hand, you'd get fired. Like, it was completely different.
Even on the Goldie. Oh, absolutely. Because, well, in the Queensland slides and everything like that. Yeah. Really? Oh, absolutely. Is that because everyone's kind of from, like, staunch ethnic households? Oh, it must be.
Honestly, it is completely different. It might have changed now, but when I was- The piggery of the NRL was a shock for you.
It really was.
We would sit in circles and they'd talk about what they'd do on the weekend.
I was genuinely offended and shocked. Like, I was sitting there going, this is crazy. Like, I remember, like, one dude did whatever on the weekend and it just came out of me. I was like, but why did you do that? That's so wrong. Everyone just burst out laughing at me. Like, who is this clown?
And anyway, so the first few years were really hard. The culture shock, the culture was actually the hardest thing to learn. The game was relatively easy because I was on the wing and fucking wingers do nothing anyway. And the worst thing about me was, like, they say wingers hang out with footy players, but I didn't even do that because I had no mates. But yeah, it was really hard. The culture shock was the biggest shock. But the learning curve was, at the start, they didn't think I'd move as quickly as I did.
Actually, it was, like, the few weeks in, all the young boys, the, like, under-19s Bronco side, because it was under-19s at the time, they said to us, they went around in a circle and the reserve grade coach was pointing to all of us. And he pointed to everyone and said, you're ready for reserve grade. Basically saying, like, it's up to you to work hard. And the only guy in the group here was like, you are not ready for reserve grade.
And I was, like, sitting there. But yeah, so it was good, though. Like, it just, what's weird is when you're young, you just think you can do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if I had, now, I'd be like, oh, fuck, I don't know. Like, it's a big jump.
What am I doing? I've never even played before.
How do you reckon you would have gone if you'd kind of stuck with soccer? Do you reckon you would have played overseas?
Well, my brother was with Nottingham Forest. And so they were just below the Premier League. So he was 17, so he would have been 18. Yeah. And he just got picked up with them. So, you know, I'd made all the Queensland sides. And overseas is such a, I don't know. I know I definitely would have played A-League.
Yeah, yeah, right. But, you know, it's hard in England, though. But, fuck, it's a big kind over there, isn't it? Oh, massive. But the thing with soccer is you can go to some fucking Lithuania or something and earn, like, fucking 800 grand or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a few more options. Yeah, well, unbelievable. Outside of the eastern seaboard. Yeah. So, yeah.
Mind you, you did end up at the Warriors. Oh, yeah, I did end up at the Warriors. Now, you've got Kiwi background.
No, no, it says it on my Wiki, but I don't. I don't know who put it there. It says Turkish as well, not Turkish.
Right. So you just played in New Zealand. That's all that got you.
Yeah, but again, it was that because I hadn't been in the rugby league system, I didn't understand the ramifications of going to the Warriors, you know. I didn't know that there was a long history of careers buried over there, of Australians going over there and struggling.
So, again, that was just a, don't get me wrong, the place is fantastic. You know, if you could take Auckland City and put it in a good weather area, it would be one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Would be.
On the water there, all of it, I mean, I'm not going to go down there. South Auckland. I'm not going to go down there. Like, you know what, I went to South Auckland once to train because we had training for reserve grade out there because I got dropped.
Yeah. And it was the first time in my life where I was like, like, I'm the enemy here. Yeah, yeah. You know, it was intense. Like, driving through there, people looking at you, they could tell that, you know, you're obviously not from there. You know, I spent a lot of time in Logan in Brisbane, which is, you know, the rough area in Woodridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even there was nothing compared to when I went through South Auckland. I was genuinely like, wow, this is intense. Logan on steroids. I mean, I drew it on steroids. It was intense, intense. Yeah, it wasn't spiky enough. Come on, mate. It was, yeah, exactly. And it was just, it was like I was in America. I don't know. It was just intense. It was really intense. Yeah, yeah.
That's where you finished up your, oh no, and you ended up back at the Bronx after that. Back at the Bronx, went to Union. But I came back to the Bronx and I had two good years there.
Yeah. But at that stage, so much footy politics had happened to me personally with contracts and all that kind of stuff. By the second, by the 2011, that's basically when I'd mentally clocked out of being like, I don't know if I can do this anymore. Yeah, yeah.
Went to the Union for a bit. Didn't hated it. Went to Dragons for a bit. Quit. Stayed in Wollongong. 2013 rolls around. I'm just working pouring beers and went on a massive bender.
Woke up to a missed call from the Broncos. And they're like, look, do you want to come back to the Broncos? So I went back to the Broncos again on no coin.
Yeah. Yeah, got named.
Made my way all the way back into first grade. Got named to play. It's like a thousand days since I'd played. Told everyone, I was in the papers. Fucking, everyone's excited. Two days before the game, the coach calls me.
He's like, oh, no, really sweet. Like, you're not playing.
And I was like, oh, my God. He was supposed to be out for four weeks. And I got named at two. So not even 18. Two.
It's announced everything. They announced it that I'm playing. Anyway, to rub salt into the wounds, he dropped the other winger and put a forward on the other wing. And that's when I was like, what am I doing?
This is crazy. This is out of a briefcase. Oh, man. I was on 25 grand a year. Oh, that's it. That is almost like, if you're getting paid that much pulling beers, you could take that to court. Oh, it was crazy. It was crazy.
And even so, in my debut year, it's changed a lot now. But my debut year, so, you know, obviously giving yourself a rap here. But I scored like one of the tries of the year. I ran for the most meters ever in a debut, everything like that.
I was on 30 grand plus match payments. And then the next year, I was on 50 grand plus match payments. It's a lot more than you would get paid playing rugby league in Lithuania, I guess.
Yeah. Fucking hell. But in saying that, you can get away with anything in Lithuania. No one knows who the fuck you are. Yeah, yeah.
A bit like playing rugby league in Darwin. Now, tell us a little bit about your post-career. You've, as we said before, you've gone out and done a bit of media yourself. And you're doing your own stuff, which is very rare. You know, most footballs that end up in media, just they walk straight into that Fox Sports contract or that Channel 9 contract, providing they behave themselves. They're there forever, as long as I can string a sentence together. But you've kind of gone out on your own. One, you've opened up your own pub, and you've got your own podcast. Do you think this whole kind of going out there and doing it on my own, kind of breaking away from the clubs and the institutions that all the blokes stay at, even after they stop playing footy, is that, do you reckon that comes from being a bit of an outsider in the league? Like, you know, going and making a quid for yourself and not kind of relying on an ambassador role?
Yeah, no. I mean, you're totally right. Like, I didn't really think about that. But you're totally right.
Even, don't get me wrong, it took me a few years. And eventually, like, I understood what I needed to do and how I needed to act to be accepted by the boys. But even growing up through school, I was always a bit an outsider in the sense that I had a certain way that I did things. And sometimes it's hard to deal with if you're not thinking the same way, which is probably, it's fucking my fault, not theirs. Because I'm the one that's, everyone else is getting along and I'm not getting along with them.
But you're totally right. It's genuinely because I feel like I've got a specific way to do things and I feel it can work. And I've, I guess, got the confidence to try to push that way. But, and I never want to be, it sounds, you know, really arrogant or whatever, but I never want to be working under someone that I'm smarter than. You know what I mean? I hate it. Like, I was doing what, and that's no disrespect to, it's just in a certain area, I feel like I've got things that can be pushed forward that maybe they've thought of.
So for example, like, you know, as a spark, because when I quit, I did my mature age electrical apprenticeship. And- That's some good coin, actually. Mature age apprenticeship.
Oh, I don't know, it was like 25 an hour or something. I thought it was a bit better than that. No, I think it was like 26 or 27 an hour.
But it's torture because like you go on these sites and these guys are really good at being a sparky and better than me, way better than me. But like, they treat you like shit and it's like, it's so hard because you're getting treated like shit, but you're older, you've got a coppit and they're making you go like, we used to work on like, out in Goulburn.
Apparently it's like on average coldest place in Australia, like with the wind factor or whatever. It is a cold fucking place. Oh, it's so fucking cold.
And so like, we'd be working in like, Bellaclavas, whatever, and the leading hand would like, he'd go, can you go get us a screwdriver? I'd go walk like 800, because on a big mine, above ground mine, I'd walk like fucking 800 metres to get it, come back, and he'd be like, oh, can you just go get us some cable ties? And he would just do shit like that to me all the time. So it was, and I guess that scarred me for the workforce. Do you think he's doing it on purpose?
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
Oh man, I mean, I had plenty of run-ins with guys that were just trying to staunch me, like, yeah. Big shot footy player? Yeah, they just wanted to be able to go home and be like, yeah, he works for me, you know, he's a shit kicker at where I work. I was like, I mean, I am, you're right, but you don't need to be so mean about it. Perfect feelings. Did you experience that in the pubs, once you do sign for a footy club? You know, footy players tend to get baited a bit by punters out there that want to wind you up.
Yeah, I think so. I think, especially in this day and age, when I was coming through, there were fights every weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that sorted it out. So like, if, you know, for example, at the Normby once, there was a guy and he said something to, The Norman. Great place. Don't you dare say one bad thing about that. Sunday afternoon. It's a beautiful place. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it is very, very rough. But yeah, so I was at the Normby, and so this is, I was 2008, so I was like peak of my career, and I was the NL twice at the time. And it got into like a, basically a fight, like push and shove, like, you know.
Malay.
Yeah. Head pushing everywhere. I'd be sent off on report if it was on a footy field these days. Yeah. With a slap. And so, yeah, that happened. Huge drama. Like, we all get cleared out, put out the front. If that happened today, 100% in the news. Yeah. Massive drama.
Instead, went out the front, went home, woke up the next morning, got a call from the owner of Normby. He's like, come in. Wanna have a chat to you. I was like, yeah, sweet. He's like, here's the tapes.
Just gonna delete them.
Yeah, sweet. It's all good. Go to the Broncos. Yeah.
That was the end of it. And that should be the end of it.
Like, no one got hurt. Like, this guy tried to fight me. Yeah. And I, you know, stood up for myself or whatever. And that was it.
Like, never. No iPhones, no nothing. Yeah, there was none of that.
So, you know, so, whereas I feel like today, you can say anything to anyone. If they hit you, boom, assault charge. Rennie Mathur and Willie Mason came in at the start of the season. We had a little chit chat. You know, dogs of war. Everyone knows how loose they were. But even they said, and I'm interested to know your opinion on this, things have changed. You can get in trouble easier. But do you think the boys are playing up more?
Like, that last off season. Was a bad one. It was a pretty, it was pretty wild.
You know what? No, absolutely not. You reckon nothing's changed? No, I think they're better. Yeah, right. I know they're better. You know, obviously outside the allegations and that.
The things before the courts. Yeah, things before the courts.
That's a completely different ballgame. But when it's like, you know, folks hooking up with chicks and all that kind of stuff. I think, I think they're better. I think you would be the public. I mean, again, it's the context of the time.
We always think like, we always try to, we judge the past with current standards. And so we always look back and like, you know, oh, that's so bad. And we're looking at it from today's lens, but we don't realize it was a totally different time. Even 10 years ago, like smartphones have changed everything. We're accountable for everything and anything at all times.
When I, even when I came back in 2013, compared to when I was at the Broncos, and this is just a, you know, example. It's not, not like as bad as what has happened in the off seasons, but just even the banter has changed. Like they had to tell the boys of 2013, guys, you've got to stop, you know, ripping each other to shreds.
Where I was coming through, you just got annihilated and there was no off limits. Your career, you're a bum. You haven't done nothing. Your missus is this, your missus is that.
It was, it was, and it just, it built a really thick skin because at the start, it really emotionally. Coming from soccer, you poor bug. And also the worst thing is, because I did come from soccer.
I was already a fairy. And you didn't have a very quick, you know, tongue either. No, so I'm just sitting there like with my head down, going, okay, I guess I am a piece of shit.
And so, yeah, it's, it's definitely, I don't, definitely don't think they're any worse. And I think that if smartphones were around 10 years ago, you would be shocked at the things you saw. There are other avenues for them to act up now with the, you didn't have to play with online gambling around.
Oh yeah, yeah. That's, that's true.
Again, I don't really know anything about gambling. So that whole environment to me is foreign. And I don't think that is like in the scheme of things.
It's in the AFL too, people betting on their own game. Young blokes can't, they can't fully think things through. They're not hurting anyone, but they are surrounded by online gambling sponsors the whole time. It's in their face constantly.
Yeah. If I went online and the access to things that you can fuck up on. Yeah.
It's just crazy. Like the amount of negative comments, like some of the stuff people write, you're just like, mate, you have the IQ of a fucking, like a dog. Like some of the stuff people write is crazy.
A dumb dog. Yeah, a dumb dog. A dumb dog.
They're not as bad, but they have more opportunities to be bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I agree with that. They definitely have more opportunities to make mistakes. Although just on that, just quickly, you know how the attitudes now are a bit different.
If a couple of Titans boys came into your bar and act at the goat, do you think the tapes would go missing? Absolutely. Oh man. Let's just give the bar a plug. What is it boys?
It's called blocking the bar on the Gold Coast. Blocking the bar?
Whereabouts in the Goldie? Broadbeats, just up from Loose Moose in the Oasis shopping center.
Yeah, righto. I know it's biased. I know it's wrong. And I know it's, you know, I don't really consider myself a journalist, but in saying that people may look at me like that, but I'm absolutely biased towards the players. And I'll openly admit that. I'll always, if there is a 50-50 call, I'll always take the player's side. Yeah, yeah, right. And that was from the start, I've always said that. And then I open with that, just because I feel like the negative idea of being biased doesn't outweigh the bias from the media looking to tear them down. So if I can just be that tiny little fucking pebble, I'm okay with the ethical dilemma of being biased because there's so many people being fucking biased on the other end.
Yeah, jump on them, yeah. Where do you reckon would be the best place to play footy? Like Townsville, Newy, is that where you get looked after the best? Fucking Newy would be good, man. Yeah, yeah. Townsville's a bit small for me, but a mad cow, great place. Fucking Newy, they love it.
Yeah, especially those cops, everyone's looking after him.
Yeah, and if they're winning, like when they were winning, can you imagine if they made the grand final? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although, imagine being in Melbourne, like you'd get to be invisible. Yeah, that's true. But I mean, like the positive with like, with everyone frothing on you, is you can get away with anything. And I feel like the Newy boys can get away with quite a lot. Yeah.
You know, you want a little bit of it. Yeah, yeah. You know what, I love the attention at the start. When I was younger, like, you know, if I was to play now, I think it would get to me a bit, because I'm older and like, I realize it really doesn't mean anything, and you're just the flavor of the month. Yeah, yeah. But when I was younger, I fucking loved it. Like, fuck, you know, you're young, you're fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah. Single, yeah. There's no chance I'm going to get any pussy otherwise. Like, fucking hell. So yeah, I did enjoy it.
Now, tell us a little bit about this match this weekend. What are you thinking? Oh man, I mean, the Roosters are just so good all over the park, but, and it's easy to get caught up in this momentum that they've created for themselves, but they've lost against the Rabados twice, Knights, Panthers, Broncos.
So they definitely can be beaten. They definitely can be beaten.
And then also you look at their completion rate, it was 71%. They had less possession. And I think Storm's completion rate was like 75% or something like that.
Yeah. Whereas both teams, Raiders, Canberra was 80%. Rabados actually had like fucking nearly 60% possession. Yeah. So I don't think the Raiders are as far away from the Roosters. Yeah. As people think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when you look at that, you know, they had nearly 40% possession. There was something like 37 tackles in their half. They defended it. And the Rabados have beaten the Roosters twice. Yeah.
So you'd have to think that Roosters and Raiders are two of the best defensive sides in the comp. The Rabados, when they're on song, are one of the best attacking sides, especially at the start of the season.
Yeah. So I just think that if the Raiders attack can be incredible, you know, BJ Leilua just breaking tackles. So for example, Nick Kotryk last year broke the most tackles in the NRL period. Yeah. More than Tedesco. Joey Leilua and Rapana, I think 2016 were also the most tackle breaks.
There, their points of difference, I feel like could maybe, then you got Papali, so if they can get the back of that. So I don't think they're as far away as people think they are. Do you reckon Raiders have peaked at the right time? That's what it feels like. Yeah. Because, you know, Newey obviously did what they do best and peaked way too early. And they had a big streak. But yeah, Raiders feel like they're, like they're almost the zenith of their season right now, which is probably a good spot to be. Yeah, I think really now, this point of the season, there's only one way to really, to strike a difference.
And that's, you know, if you put Jack White and Luke Keery against each other, because when Luke Keery has a great game, that the Roosters win. He's the cornerstone of every Rooster's sort of victory. And he's also the cornerstone of every loss they've had.
So I think, That's a good point. Very good point. I think that's going to really be the key, the Raiders ability to shut down Luke Keery. Yeah, that's a very good point.
And also in the second half, when the Roosters struggled a bit, Keery was very quiet because he injured himself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the way he landed on his ankle, that's a re-injury of an old, you know, if that's a fresh ankle, there's no way that's injuring him. This is the type of match where they reckon Papale's been sent to just put a shoulder, land on that ankle. You know what? I reckon they're going to say Wyden, and Wyden loves it. Yeah.
I want you to do anything you can to try and run at him, hurt him, whatever. Piss your pants, get in his face. Everybody, whatever you need to do.
Yeah. You know what's devastating for him? I mean, obviously what he did was terrible. And you know, let's get all the disclaims out of the way. What he did was terrible, but I feel like his reputation, he's actually Ken Blue, from what I've been told. Yeah, yeah. And so I get all these comments like, oh, he can't put on photos and that, like, oh, Wyden can't throw them. I'm like, the biggest damage done to him is his reputation as a fighter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he looks like he can't fight. And just looking at that video, too, I mean, that was a night out in Canberra. If it wasn't a Raiders player doing to you, it's some feral, some other bloke in Canberra.
But if it was in Townsville, would this have been an issue? Yeah, it would have been a tree. Or Newcastle? It would have been a balling in the woods. That's what it would have been.
But also, you know, you can see where this- Jake, get in the car. Come on, mate. Yeah. People would have, you see people getting baited, too. You know, like a young rugby league player is no different to any bloke. I mean, you see, he's getting out of a cab and someone yells something at him and, you know, that's it.
But anyway, this weekend, will he piss his pants and get in Geary's face? If he pisses his pants, it's a guaranteed Clive Churchill. Surely, surely he wins a Clive Churchill.
Yeah. First bloke to ever piss his pants. Outside of, what was his old mate's name, Russell Packer. Oh. Well, he just pissed on the field, so that's fine. There's a good energy right now and it's obviously reminiscent of 2014 with the Rabbit-O's when kind of the fans want to believe. Yeah. And they're going to, you know, the Rabbit-O's had the bell. Raiders are going to have the horn. Yeah. Malmaninga's coming back to blow the horn. It might just have to happen, you know what I mean? If that isn't memed the shit out of. Yeah.
Disappointed in a scope.
I think that if we're living in a fairy tale for this to happen, I think everything is happening for it to happen. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But it's a fairy tale, so the chances of it happening are relatively small.
But again, I just think that Raiders have everything to play for, you know, whereas the Roosters, and they do have a lot to play for, Kronk and that, but there is, you're working at such high percentages of, or small percentages of like extreme excellence that when you need to go to that extra spot, and the Roosters have proven they can, but when you need to go to that crazy, you know, insane Dave Goggins fucking shit yourself spot, the Raiders may just have that extra step in them because they're not going back to back. If we're talking about the fairy tale, Cameron Smith would have got 400 games in a premiership in his last season.
That's done. So Kronk, we can forget about that, you know what I mean? It could happen to Kronk, like this is his last game.
He has been at the Roosters for years, you know, that they are a club local genius. They are a club that fosters talent, they go out and they find it, and they nurture it, they plant it and they water it, year after year after year, and I just think that Kronk, he kind of deserves to go out a winner, but in saying that, I don't think it'd be good for the game if the Roosters went back to back. Yeah, don't want to snatch the, snatch victory from the jaws of the four Englishmen that have just arrived in Canberra. Speaking of fostering talent.
Can you imagine if the, like the siren goes, the siren goes, the Roosters win, and don't get me wrong, they deserve it, they work their ring out, all that kind of stuff. The siren goes, the Roosters win, yeah great, we're all happy, well done Kronk. All their made up fans are loving it. Yeah, all the Bearwagon Bondi fans, literally never go to any games ever. The Waratahs fans. The siren goes, the Raiders win.
I think, you know, the jubilation, it's not against the Roosters, it's more just like, this is a club that is in Canberra for one, and no disrespect to Canberra, but it's a tough place to go to move people that live majority in Sydney and Queensland and Brisbane and all that kind of stuff. So they've got that extra burden of trying to recruit. They get pommies there because things are even worse. And they don't even have the New Zealand factor of like they've got a whole country to pull from. They've got a tiny place, they've got, it's hard to recruit, they haven't won, they haven't been in Grand Final for 25 years.
So all of these things, like, yeah, I mean, if they won, it would be... But we've seen it before. Like, if it's meant to happen, it's meant to happen. Like the Bunnies, Roosters, sorry, Bunnies, Bunnies, Cowboys, and Sharks. I mean, really, the wins in between that, those three have just been like, you know, back to status quo, really. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Storm, Roosters. That's so true. So it'll be great for the game, and it probably will happen, but we'll wait and see.
I'm not putting my checkies anywhere.
Just the Roosters, man, like, they're just so, like, okay, you hold them in there for four tackles, and then to death, so it takes a fucking scoot, and gets a fast play of the ball. And that's what they're so good at. Like, you shoot out a line, but I think that if the Raiders can do what Queensland did with Papali leading them to New South Wales, and that was just this crazy line speed, that will go a long way to being like, the Roosters' playmakers don't have as much time. He's got some toe, Papali.
Oh, for a big boy. How much do you reckon he's over 100? He'd be at least 115, I reckon. Really? At least. How much do you reckon he's over 100 metres? Oh, 100 metres. Oh, man, for a big boy. 13 seconds, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, he's fucking fast. Yeah, for a big boy, 100%.
And it's got a real cannonball kind of effect, too. Like, that try he got on the wick. It just kept moving. A lot of inertia.
And the thing is, he's got the perfect frame for footy because he's, like, thick, and he's not too tall. Yeah. So really hard to chop. Yeah. And he's got that conservative Queensland Islander haircut, you know? Good church boy. He's got the short back and sides. I'm a big fan of that look. Absolutely.
Izzy used to have it until he put the blonde in the front. You played with Izzy?
How was that? Yeah. I mean, it's so hard because, like, you got everything that happened. Yeah. And it's like, if I say he was a good bloke. Yeah. And we got along really well. Yeah.
I'm a piece of shit, apparently. But everyone says that. Everyone says he was a great bloke when they were playing. Well, I just think that, like, people, like, again, I totally do not agree with anything that he has said. Mm-hmm. I don't, you know, at all.
But, like, I think- You're telling us you're not a hyper-orthodox Pentecostal? Yeah. I think that people, like, most people don't genuinely believe in Scripture. Yeah. So I don't think people really understand. He genuinely thinks that. Like, if you really think that people are going to hell and you're a good person, you would actually try to warn them against it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People don't understand that if you, if he, and this is not excusing him, I'm just saying this is his mindset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he genuinely thinks that if these people do this, they're going to go to hell. Yeah. Like, if you genuinely believe that if you drink that water, you're going to hell. Yeah. Like, you fully believed it. Yeah.
You would consider yourself a bad person, you're going to hell. You would consider yourself a bad person for not warning that person that they're going to hell.
And so I think, like, when people, it's, again, I'm not saying, it's totally wrong, and also he's with a private company, blah, blah, blah, all that kind of carry on. But yeah, I think people need to realize that he genuinely thinks he's helping the country.
Now, blink twice if- I'm gay, I'm actually gay. Blink twice if he wasn't a good Christian at the Broncos.
No, I'm not saying, no, no, no, that shit. Bro, I'm not going six-nine on all this shit. No way.
No, you know what, he was, when I was at the Broncos with him, not excusing anything, but he was a great guy, we were great mates, we spoke a lot, played outside him, he was my center. In the under-19s Queensland side, he was my center. Yeah, I mean, he was just a good, he was a nice guy, he was genuinely just a nice guy, but that doesn't obviously excuse what he said.
So if it comes down to a golden point, which I think it will, I think they will be evenly matched, because you've got a backline on both teams that hasn't shied away from kicking field goals all season. Yep, that's true, that's very true. So as we've seen in other ones that have gone to golden point, like what happened in the Cowboys game when they won, you really had a team that only had one really, really, really good person who could kick a field goal. That's very true, very true. But here, this will be much different, so. That's very true, because Caesar already kicked like four field goals against, who was it, Manly I think maybe, or whoever it was.
It was the Dogs maybe. Dogs or someone.
Yeah. No, that's a very good point, you know, they both have sought people that can genuinely nail the field goal and are good at it.
Now, tell us a little bit, like what kind of, you didn't come from rugby league family, you came from a soccer family, brother played soccer, were you kind of the first to engage in NRL? Oh, absolutely, we didn't even watch rugby league going up. Like I couldn't even, it was something, it just wasn't on in our house.
You started learning their names and you started breaking their records, ran off to Curie. You know what's funny is when I debuted, I didn't even know what all the numbers meant.
Yeah, right. I only knew what the outside backs was. Yeah, right.
Like I didn't know what 11, 12, 13 were, I just did like their forwards. 10, 8, didn't have any idea.
So, no, we literally didn't watch any rugby league in the house. We didn't even have channel 9 in the house.
Yeah, right. We only had channel 2 and channel 10 I think. SBS, the soccer. No, not even that because we were living in Mudger Bay on the Gold Coast. Right, right, right. And they had these massive trees that blocked the signal. Okay. So we only had channel 2 and 8 or whatever, I think it was 8 or 10 or whatever it was. And so we couldn't even watch it even if we wanted to.
And I was a massive nerd growing up. So I do sport all week and then just play video games all weekend. So I didn't really watch much TV growing up.
Yeah, right. Or any footie. And so was kind of your first experience with Bush League, like you went up to the Clydesdales. Yep. Did you have to like sign a lease in Toowoomba or something?
No, no. We would travel. We would travel up there.
So it was a Broncos reserve great side. There was only like, I think it was like one local guy that actually played for them. But yeah, so we would train all week in Brisbane and then we would travel up each weekend if we had to play there. Or we would get, you know, because most of the teams are in Brisbane. But yeah, so that was a Queensland Cup. So at that stage, most players in your side in the Queensland Cup was like, you know, 13 of them were NRL players kind of thing.
Yeah, right. It's a bit different now with they've spread it all out over, you know, different teams. And I'd say the Queensland Cup isn't as strong as it used to be. But with the 20s comp going now, it might be. But it definitely did drop off for a few years there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty strong when I was coming through.
And tell us a little bit about your double with sevens. Yeah, it was just, it was weird how it came about because when I was leaving the Bronco, I didn't want to leave the Broncos, but they told me basically you should leave. There's certain things agreed to that they didn't come through on. Went down to Melbourne Rebels actually, and they were interested. They said, look, yeah, we're keen to have you. Here's the, like, we got the contract, everything like that. We just, you can't say anything for 24 hours. We just got to speak to a few people on the board to make sure they're being sweet. Anyway, so I told the Broncos and like the next day they were quoted saying that I'm going and that canned the deal. Fucking hell. And so, and I told them not to say anything, but I think they were just so eager to push to make sure that I'd gone. Yeah. That they'd try to push it out through the media and that. And so I was in a terrible position where basically they rang me up and said, oh, don't worry about coming into training. We just don't feel like your heart's in it because you went down to Melbourne.
Yeah, it's, bro, there's so many stories like that. A lot of few people have that as well with the, with the, with the machine up there. Yeah, it's, it's crazy.
Like they control the narrative. Like as a footy player, you can't. And they're still owned by the newspapers then too. Yeah, they, you look at, for example, you look at the, the everything that's going on right now at the Broncos.
There's like all this information coming out. Who do you think's putting that information out? The club. The club puts the information out. Why are they doing it? It's typical business PR 101.
They have a massive loss. If they stay silent, the fans blow up and say nothing's changing.
So we're going to go on this massive PR push. Of all these changes and chopping blocks and blah, blah, blah. And we're going to release this guy and we're going to release that guy. Because they, they need their fans to think, oh yeah, they're really, they're devastated. They're really going to change things around there. But I think you'll find there won't actually be that many changes next year.
They couldn't control the narrative around Lodge though. That's one of the more bizarre things that's happened in rugby league in the last few years. Like why are they defending a guy who's obviously, and it's not like he did a Mitchell Pierce, you know.
Which was nothing in hindsight. Take me back to those days. It was like it fucking killed someone. It was in New York though. So I think it might've been a bit harder. Yeah, but this video, like everyone knows what he did and he's kind of admitted to it. Well, there's also a preexisting criminal charges before the New York thing. Right. And I just think, I think if it was a bloke, because there was a woman and child involved, it takes it to a whole new level. Especially with vision and it's, you were charged, like, you know, it happened.
There's no rumors innuendo, dismissed, not dismissed. And I think also the Broncos have had a pretty clean skin for a very long time. So the media just were like, we got something to run with here. This isn't the doggies that have had a rough 10 years or whatever. This is clean skin Broncos that never put a foot wrong.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
And so I felt like, I think the vision really hurt him as well. People seeing what happened.
Yeah, but you know, the Broncos for years were owned by the same people that owned the Kuru Mail.
So that obviously now they're not as a protected species. But the club is still like vehemently defending their decision to possibly make this guy captain. That is not a good PR narrative.
Well, I think what they're doing is, is they put it out to make, so this is how bad it can be. And then when they do announce a captain, everyone's like, oh, thank God. And like, so for example, it's in the video game industry, but they do it a lot.
So they'll put out these leaked information about the price of something. And then when they release it, they drop the price.
So everything, everyone thinks that some progression has been made. So managing expectations. Yeah, so I think with the Broncos, like for example, let's say they just went out and named Gillette. There'll be a whole core of audience that would say he's older, why are we, you know, he struggled for form or whatever it was. You know, I think he's a great leader, great guy.
Andrew McCulloch, they've got all these senior players struggling for form. Whereas now they've put out this like case where, you know, it's not even in lodges best interest to be captain. Because anything bad goes wrong, his whole past gets brought up constantly. So I feel like they've put out this like left field, like crazy worst case scenario.
So whoever they name now is going to be a positive. Yeah, for sure. I just reckon that they're so good at like managing the media and everything. They're baiting all the ex-players, like Glen Lazarus, I will hand in my life membership.
Oh my god. There's no way they seriously, they're a club that I think the year that Bennett came back, they made $33 million or something like that. What? They're the only club that makes a massive profit. Yeah, right. So members came back when Wayne did. Well, like what I'm saying is that's how much profit that they can make. No other clubs come in close to that. Yeah. Warriors broke even for a bit. Yeah.
And I think Melbourne Storm may have gotten close to breaking even. Everyone else makes a loss. Broncos are a well-oiled business machine.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. So they understand. And have been since day one. Oh, absolutely. The powers partnership they had, no one had ever seen a sponsor like that before. Yep. And they've kind of, NRMA, they've just, they've managed it well, perhaps because a club isn't run by ex-players. Yes. In many capacities. Yes.
Except for, of course, poor old Andrew Gee.
But another thing is they have a four or five million person city and they're the one club there. Yeah, absolutely. So there is talk of another club in Brisbane. There's a talk of another team coming up somewhere. Yeah, yeah. Many argue, and you're on the ground on the Gold Coast, you could just bump the Titans like an hour north and rebrand them as something more Brisbane. Yep.
Where would you put it? Would you think, like you've seen on the ground, would you see Ipswich or Redcliffe, or where would you say?
It's such a tough call, man. You know, you look at the ones, like the Titans have gone, you know, they've struggled so much for so many years.
Yeah. I mean, you grew up in the Gold Coast and didn't even go near Rugby League. Yeah, I didn't go near. Accidentally, so. And also, they were aware of a kid, you know, crossing codes. Yeah.
And there was never an approach from him.
Yeah. I mean, they had Luke Keery in their burly side. Yeah. They had nothing for him the next year. Yeah, yeah. Luke Keery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going for his, like, second premiership. Yeah. But they've got Kiebra, they've got Kiebra, they've got Miami High. Exactly. They just can't. They've got Kiebra and PBC, who are two of the best. Yeah. Two of the best Rugby League teams in the country. Yeah.
And yet, they never seem to recruit any players from those teams. And I understand, like, it's very hard to recruit a kid when you've got bad history and you haven't won a grand final, that kind of stuff.
Yeah. But it's got to be better, like, them being local kids, you know, they might be playing for the Bugen Seahawks, you know. But they could get them and have them play at the Goldie, you know, because what ends up happening is these kids get signed to Balmain from one of these high schools. And they go down to West and then they kind of lose their spot to a local guy and they end up plastering in about six months. Yeah. And you hear from them again. Yeah, yeah. It's so true. Or they could have just stayed at home with Mum and Dad and played for the Titans. Absolutely. So whatever's happening in the Gold Coast, maybe there isn't enough kind of people around to create a fan base, you know what I mean? Yeah.
It's too transient. It is very transient. And we've noticed, like, with the bar and that, we've noticed a lot of tourists.
And obviously it's in Raw Beach and that. Yeah. But there is an idea of the Gold Coast in Australian culture. Yeah. That it is a holiday destination. Yeah. It's a relaxing destination.
And I really feel subconsciously... Bus parties or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Fake hot chicks and steroid dudes and, you know, all that kind of stuff. That is a stereotype throughout the entirety of Australia. And so I feel like there's this subconscious thing that when players go there, it's a whole... Like, there's... Yeah.
It's a goldie. It's the lifestyle's great. Whereas, like, when you go to Melbourne, you're not sitting there going, the lifestyle's great. It's cold.
Coffee's great. Yeah, the coffee's good. That's it.
It's cold. You're going down there to work. It's going to be tough. Canberra, you're going down there to work.
Townsville, you know, like, you know, Brisbane. It doesn't have the same reputation as Gold Coast has. So, yeah, Gold Coast is tough. No franchise has ever gone well there.
Yeah, yeah. So is it time to cut and run? I don't know. I honestly don't...
Maybe they move it to the Ipswich because you could still kind of argue that it is a, you know, South-ish. And it's West, but, you know. A expansion club. Yeah. I think whatever the solution is, I don't think that the answer is going to be calling the second Brisbane team the Brisbane Bombers. Or having... You could have a second team that's based in Brisbane, which is, you know, like the home ground for Ipswich and Redcliffe. Yeah. And just call it, you know, the Brisbane, I don't know, anything. The South Brisbane. Literally. Yeah.
Well, the Jets. The Ipswich Jets is what they call them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever the answer is, it's not going to be made. You know what I mean? The NRL are famous for making the wrong decisions. It's true. Non-stop. Yeah. They're great for repealing bad decisions, but they're never good for making a great one in the first place. So we'll see what happens. Until then, the Broncos will keep marching on as like the official successful business in the NRL. Oh, man, absolutely.
It's crazy how much... People don't realise how much resources they really have compared to other clubs.
They're not even number one and third party, but when it comes to just a well-oiled business machine, you know, I think in any business world, they would be considered a good quality company. Yeah, right, right. Regardless of... So I think that from that side, that's why they're so good at handling these situations.
You know, like all this information that's coming out. They've been in the news cycle for three weeks.
Yeah. It's grand final. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a seabold thing about he has a clause in his contract that he has to get paid 12 months of his contract, but they can terminate his contract. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who said that? Yeah. Of course the Broncos said that. Yeah, yeah. And so a lot of people don't realise this, but you're being manipulated. You know, that's what fucking PR is. Yeah, yeah. Now, speaking of PR, who else you got on the locker room coming up? Have you got anything? I've got Sean Kenny Dowell. Yeah, right. That'll be really good. Yeah, yeah.
I got him on Wednesday and I got Corey Harawera-Nyra. I can't say his name probably because I'm Australian.
But yeah, Sean Kenny Dowell will be really interesting because he's such a perfect case of, you know, we saw all this stuff and obviously he had an incredible career. Yeah. Not to dismiss that at all, but we saw this stuff in the media with, you know, DeBellin and in the court cases and everything that have come their way. And he was a guy that was falsely accused according to the courts and everything like that. Bit of a Brett Stewart scenario.
Yeah, yeah. So it'll be interesting to see, and obviously we're not going to go deep into it and get, you know, talk, like, I don't want to upset the bloke once I talk to him. Trigger him. Yeah, he's in there, starts crying because he fucking went through so much shit for no reason. Yeah. But he'd be really good to hear his thoughts on that, you know. Yeah. He's a footy player. He was clearly incorrectly charged. Yeah. His name will always be connected to that. Yeah. No, he will. I don't want to say something. Absolutely. So yeah, he's coming on.
You, you would have seen a very different landscape changing over from, from soccer to, to like ethnic landscape anyway, like demographics wise. Oh, absolutely. You wouldn't have played with many Islanders in soccer. Zero. You know, it's crazy.
It's like the first, my first real experience with indigenous culture was in rugby league. I had none growing up.
Like there was, it wasn't, they taught us about the dream time. It was a Catholic school, good school. And I think it was just more, again, you know, we're looking at of today's standards compared to 15 years ago. It was a very different environment. So I think today it's more in curricular curriculums. But yeah, my first experience with indigenous culture was just footy and meeting them.
Playing with Hodges. Playing with Hodges, getting told I'm a fuckwit.
Yeah. And he made my whole career. No, no. It might actually, there was an indigenous family, Lacey's and the Appos that took me in. So I was driving up from the Gold Coast pretty much every, every day of training. Yeah.
It was like, it was on a four grand contract. Four grand for the year. $4,000. Yeah, $4,000. That was my contract for the first year. No match payments. Just in Resy's four grand contract.
And so they, yeah, I would sleep on their floor for the first two years. Just the experience of a different environment of like, what's mine is yours. That indigenous culture that, obviously we have that in Western culture, but there is a very, for example, I stayed at the house on the floor and they never were like, do you want to pay rent?
Yeah. Like you're eating our food. You fucking don't do anything. You're a piece of shit on our floor and we've got to clean up after you. It wasn't like that. It was just like, you do your bit. We'll just, you sleep on the floor.
There was never.
So you sort yourself out. Yeah. Just, just whatever. Like it was, it was, it's, it's hard to explain it to experience it. I think that indigenous culture of like, you know, they call each other, they're mob, but it really is like that. You go to the house, they put massive feeds on for you. And there's never this exchange of like, I did this for you therefore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas Western culture, I feel it's more accepted for like, if you're sleeping on my couch, mate, you've got to just chuck us a hundred bucks, which is sweet. Like there's nothing wrong with that, but it is, that was the first.
Or just what that's symbolic of, you know, just the, so, so, you know, on top of that, you know, you get to meet all those different people, but you've also got to see the, the rise of, and they've been around, but there's a, there's definitely a takeover coming from the Midlands, the kind of Yorkshire Englishman is making their mark. I'm enjoying it. Yeah, you reckon, do you reckon that's changed the game? I think, I think it has because you look at Bateman, you look at, you know, Sutton, you look at the Hodgson, Burgess, Graham, they're just like, they've come over and they've impacted the league. It's not, it's not like they came over and just made the numbers up. Blended in, yeah.
So I think it'll really, you know, we look at, for example, we, we often point towards the island nations like Fiji, PNG, Tonga, Samoa, Cook Islands, like we should scout there early, but I feel like people will start looking, maybe we should scout England early, massive population. Yeah, a lot of hard-headed fucking big English boys too, yeah. Absolutely, massive population and they've proven they've, they've, they've got the genetics to do it. And so, yeah, I think you'll find that there'll be a lot of scouting going on, like, especially with the way, what Ricky's done this year, like with, without the English boys in their side, there's no way they make the grand final, not a chance.
Yeah. It's a very cheap alternative to finding the next Fijian flyer. Yeah. It's six foot seven and runs a hundred and ten five, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. It's a very, so I think that, yeah, I think it has changed the game. I agree with you there, definitely. Yeah.
Well, all the best to the milk this weekend and, you know, and the roosters if they win, but we like to be on the, on the right side of history here at the Batutah Advocate. And thanks for joining us, Dina. No, thanks for having me. I'm a long, long time fan of the Batutah Advocate, so thank you, I appreciate it. Thanks, mate. We're big fans of locker room too and if you want to check that out, just find it anywhere where you find your good podcasts, your podcast pipes. So, yeah, thanks again. Thank you.
Dina Kemp, locker room, bloke in a bar. |
dropout | DROPOUT_Is_a_Netflix | I thought Amazon was a soulless company hell-bent on creating a monopoly by undermining small businesses. It is, but it's also a Netflix. Apple is a Netflix. No, Apple's an Amazon. An Amazon. A heartless company hell-bent on creating a monopoly by undermining small businesses. Apple TV Plus is a Netflix.
I want you to know that I'm already so unhappy about this conversation.
My head hurts. Wait, no, I'm sorry, Brennan. Pull it back a little bit.
It's called HBO Max Now. The name of the Netflix is HBO Max Now. Correct. HBO Max Now is a Netflix. No, no, no. HBO Max is a Netflix. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising. HBO Max is a Netflix. HBO is TV.
Here's an idea. Why don't you just list out all the Netflixes and then this can be over. There's Disney Plus. Plus what? That's it. That's all the Netflixes. Oh no, Brennan. There's lots more. So tell me, Disney's a Netflix Plus. Disney Plus. Plus what? Plus nothing.
So we're done. We're not anywhere near done.
Go ahead and tell me, Disney is a Netflix Plus. Disney Plus is a Netflix. Disney is an Amazon.
A soulless company hell bent on creating a monopoly by undermining small businesses.
I remember, please. Let's get this over with. What are the others? Let's see.
Never mind, never mind. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
How is it possible that this many streaming platforms stay in business? They don't.
See, see, so, so. See, see, so, so? See, see, so. So, see, so did so, so.
So NBC said no go. Now NBC said go on Peacock, which is download just Seeso's new logo.
You're not even a spick of the English.
Okay, at the very least, I can get my head wrapped around that. That makes sense to me. You say so, but some say Seeso.
But Netflix is like Netflix are spending 10 times as much on double Quibis, what Quibis Netflix is Quibis. And Quibis on phones? So it's up against Netflix is like Netflix on the one hand, but also Facebook's like TikTok. Sorry, Facebook's like TikTok.
Yeah, secret tools of authoritarian governments. You know what, Sam?
I'm gonna go, okay? There's a pandemic, I don't need your Quibis, I don't need your Seesos, I don't need your GoPros, I don't need your lactose, I don't need none of it. I'm gonna go to the woods and I'm gonna carve little sculptures and make them do plays like God intended. Goodbye. Do you think that we can make some streaming content out of that?
Brennan, you there? Wow, hasn't even been a Quibi. Hey gang, Brennan here.
If you dig college humor and wanna support what we do, sign up for Dropout for the cost of a very big dumpling per month. You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today or don't, you know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you, that would be crazy.
I, it was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry, and that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
TheOnion | Report_14_Of_Americans_Now_Intolerant_To_Word_Gluten | Music Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers. Newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it. Well, well, well, if it isn't the usual suspects clamoring for their weekly allotment of news summaries. This is the Onion Week in Review. A new report released today by the CDC found that as many as 14% of Americans are now intolerant to the word gluten. CDC officials advised Americans with a predisposition to such allergies to ensure they were never in the vicinity of individuals who use the phrases gluten sensitivity, gluten-free diet, or even wheat intolerance.
This Tuesday FBI officials disclosed details of a disturbing al-Qaeda plot to just kick back, relax, and savor the inevitable collapse of the United States. Intelligence agencies confirmed the massive coordinated plan involves terrorist cells across the globe, training specifically to take a load off and unwind as America's political infighting, class divides, moral indolence, and environmental self-destruction gradually tear the nation apart. Our righteous warriors will devote our time to relaxing and really soaking in the infidel self-destruction. America's cities will be reduced to ruins, the economy will come to a standstill, and we, the blessed of Islam, will kick back, put our feet up, and enjoy the show. It's going to be great.
Reflecting on the persistent troubles it caused his sibling during childhood, local doctor Daniel Barrett told reporters this week about his average looking brother, Kevin, who first inspired him to be a cosmetic surgeon. As a kid I remembered thinking that there was nothing I could do for Kevin. Watching someone you really love and care about suffer from a weak jawline or unsymmetrical features, it had a major impact on me. |
dropout | Do_I_Hate_the_Bachelor | I see in my notes here that you two have been together for almost 20 years. That's really something. That's what brings you to my office today.
She hates me.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true. No, it is.
He's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. He's very bad.
So why are you with me? Because that's what I love about you. You're horrible.
It's like a car wreck on the side of the road. You can't look away. Okay. I'm hearing a lot of conflicting emotions here. For couples who have been together for a long time, there's usually some foundation of love there. Okay?
So why don't you tell me something that you love about The Bachelor? His backwards views on gender, his lack of creativity, the fact that he somehow gets dumber every year. Babe, he said to list things you love. That is what I love because I love to hate those things and I hate that I love them.
See, he's not getting it. I'm telling you. He's very stupid. That's so mean. You're always so mean to be calling me stupid.
But you're in on the joke. I feel on the outside, actually. Okay. If you are not in on the joke, that's sad. How do you feel, The Bachelor? Confused.
Sure. She's been with me forever, but it feels like all I do is stress her out and make her mad all the time. Okay. Well, I'm sure you don't make her mad all the time. No, it's all the time.
I'm mad when he's on. I'm mad he is not on when he's away. I love being mad at him.
Okay. In my opinion, this relationship has a few patterns that signal unhealthy attachment. What you would call wrong reasons, right? It may be helpful to focus more on your individual lives. You know, loosen the grip.
How much time are you spending together? Two hours a week, some weeks four, some weeks six for some reason. But are we actually together?
She's on her phone the entire time, and I know she's texting her friends to make fun of me. I really just want to make her happy, but I feel like I can't do that.
Sorry, one sec. What you said was so stupid. I have to text my final rose. Do you see what I'm saying? Disrespectful!
Clinical opinion aside, you know you can leave him if you're not happy, right? After all this time, where would I go? Four weddings, married at first sight, back with my ex, ex on the beach, 90 day fiance, 90 day fiance before the 90 days?
Yes. Yes, any of those sound fine. Okay, well, the thing is, I'm already seeing them too.
Do you love them more than me? Yes, because I hate them more. Relationships with reality TV must be the most complicated you see.
Uh, no, that would be football. That's all right. Just take as much time as you need, and once you're done crying, we can discuss your relationship. This is us! We'll see you next week. |
dropout | mc_chris_star_wars_cantina_band_bonus_footage | My backpacks got jets, well I'm Boba of the Fett Well I bounty hunt for Java heart to finance my vet Hold on a sec, you ain't Boba Fett, he got tossed in the Sarlacc pit This thing, are you serious dude? I escaped that ish! Nobody escapes the Sarlacc pit Alright I didn't escape it, Dengar helped me out but I got out of there It was the best man in his wedding, it was actually a pretty nice ceremony Is that your real voice?
Is that your voice? Rude Yeah it's my voice, I have a modulator in the helmet You think anyone is going to be afraid of this voice?
No I'm Boba Fett, I'm really him I went through all of his experiences So what are some experiences you've had Boba Fett? I don't know, maybe when Darth Vader was lecturing me on that Star Destroyer He told me notice integrations and I was like Oh I love those! Yeah I know that, what else?
There was me walking alongside Han Solo on carbonite You know how long I was looking for Han Solo? A long time Anything else? Let's see, there was that time I was walking real slow around Cloud City Also well chronicled There was that time I walked into Jabba's palace And I tickled that little alien chick on the chin Huh?
I freestyle all the time when I'm driving my ship I'm like, I'm in a ship Stuff like that Ok What's that weird dude saying? Relax kid, today's your lucky day He likes you Welcome to the modal nodes Alright!
Boba Fett is back! Boba Fett?
Where? Sorry there Rocket man On carbonite, you know how long I was looking for Han Solo? A long time Anything else?
Let's see, there was that time I was walking real slow around Cloud City Also well chronicled There was that time I walked into Jabba's palace And I tickled that little alien chick on the chin Huh? I freestyle all the time when I'm driving my ship I'm like, I'm in a ship Stuff like that Ok What's that weird dude saying? Relax kid, today's your lucky day He likes you Welcome to the modal nodes Alright!
Boba Fett is back! Boba Fett?
Where? Sorry there Rocket man |
cracked | king_kong_the_worst_broadway_show_in_history | The audiences love him. Hold on, I'll give you a call back. Sir, I've got a show for you. It's the hottest thing this town has ever seen. Slow down, Mr. Denim.
I give you Kong, the eighth wonder of the world. Oh, it's a monkey. It's a giant monkey, stolen from an island of dinosaurs. Wait, where are the dinosaurs? Dinosaurs? No, no, no. The giant monkey's where the money's at, fella.
Just look at him. It's sort of hard to tell how big he is. Maybe if you had photographed him next to a dinosaur.
Look, Mr. Denim, we operate a theater on Broadway. The biggest theater in town. That's right. And we're more accustomed to shows. You know, things with musical numbers, dialogue.
It sounds like all you have is a giant monster. Well, a giant-ist.
Shouldn't he be in a zoo? No, no, no. No zoo will do for Kong. Broadway's where he belongs.
Didn't you go to that island to make a film? I did. Why don't we show your film? I didn't get it. Not a single frame. Half the crew was killed by giant insects. Got 11 for the sacrifice, though.
Made room on the boat for the monkey. Okay, does he, um, does he juggle or, you know, ride a giant bicycle or something like that? He can't do any tricks. It was enough of a struggle just to keep him from eating everybody on the boat back from the tropics. I'm honestly amazed Nicole hasn't killed him yet.
Mr. Denim, you know I respect you. No, no, no. Mr. Butter, Mr. Butter. Listen, listen.
Here's the setting. The house lights dim. A single spotlight illuminates me as I step to center stage. And then I say, Beast looked into the face of beauty and his hand was stained. And from that moment on, he was as one dead. Oh, that's not bad. And the curtain opens to reveal Kong, the eighth wonder of the world, standing in chains, shackled to a platform at the very center of the stage.
And what happens next? What do you mean? Well, you know, what does, uh, what does Kong do next? Nothing.
He's chained to a platform. Also, we're gonna need to buttress that platform because he's absolutely gonna shit before the end of the performance. And his stools can punch through the hull of a cargo freighter.
So your Kong show is a two-hour engagement with an intermission? Right. That way we can do two performances a night plus a matinee. Two performances of a giant monkey standing perfectly still and possibly avoiding himself.
Definitely avoiding himself. So you didn't get any dinosaurs? This is trash. This is supposed to be Broadway. I haven't done anything else with my time.
I am alive when Cole Porter is alive. Hi, I'm Storm Bowie, and this is Katie Stoll, and we were in this sketch. We were, just now, a second ago. Remember? Trust us. Go back and watch. We were there.
If you like our channel, please subscribe to it. Even if you don't like it, subscribe because maybe in the future we'll have something else that you'll enjoy. Yeah. At all. You know, if you're already subscribed, unsubscribe, resubscribe a couple times.
Actually, don't. Don't listen to me. Don't do that.
Don't unsubscribe. Stay subscribed. Just... Please. If you're subscribing, hey, great work. They're gonna fire me now.
Kong, the eighth wonder of the world. Oh, it's a monkey. It's a giant monkey, stolen from an island of dinosaurs. Wait, where are the dinosaurs? Dinosaurs? No, no, no. The giant monkey's where the money's at, fella.
Just look at him. It's sort of hard to tell how big he is. Maybe if you had photographed him next to a dinosaur.
Look, Mr. Denim, we operate a theater on Broadway. The biggest theater in town. That's right. And we're more accustomed to shows. You know, things with musical numbers, dialogue.
It sounds like all you have is a giant monster. Well, a giant-ist. Well, shouldn't he be in a zoo? No, no, no. No zoo will do for Kong. Broadway's where he belongs.
Didn't you go to that island to make a film? I did. Well, why don't we show your film? I didn't get it. Not a single frame.
Half the crew was killed by giant insects. Gotta love him for the sacrifice, though. Made room on the boat for the monkey. Okay, does he juggle or ride his giant bicycle or something like that? He can't do any tricks. It was enough of a struggle just to keep him from eating everybody on the boat back from the tropics. I'm honestly amazed the cold hasn't killed him yet.
Mr. Denim, you know I respect you. No, no, no. Mr. Butter, Mr. Butter. Listen, listen.
Here's the setting. The house lights dim. A single spotlight illuminates me as I step to center stage. And then I say, Beast looked into the face of beauty, and his hand was stained. And from that moment on, he was as one dead. Oh, that's not bad. And the curtain opens to reveal Kong, the eighth wonder of the world, standing in chains, shackled to a platform at the very center of the stage.
And what happens next? What do you mean? Well, you know, what does Kong do next?
Nothing is chained to a platform. Also, we're gonna need to buttress that platform, because he's absolutely gonna shit before the end of the performance. And his stools can punch through the hull of a cargo freighter.
So your Kong show is a two-hour engagement with an intermission? Right. That way we can do two performances a night, plus a matinee. Two performances of a giant monkey standing perfectly still and possibly avoiding himself.
Definitely avoiding himself. So you didn't get any dinosaurs? This is trash. This is supposed to be Broadway. I haven't done anything else with my time.
I am alive when Cole Porter is alive. Hi, I'm Storm Bowie, and this is Katie Stoll, and we were in this sketch. We were, just now, a second ago. Remember? Trust us. Go back and watch. We were there.
If you like our channel, please subscribe to it. Even if you don't like it, subscribe, because maybe in the future we'll have something else that you'll enjoy. Yeah. At all. You know, if you're already subscribed, unsubscribe, resubscribe a couple times.
Actually, don't. Don't listen to me. Don't do that.
Don't unsubscribe. Stay subscribed. Just... Please. If you're subscribed, we had great work.
They're gonna fire me now. Yuck. |
TheOnion | Nation_Terrified_After_Millions_Lose_Consciousness_For_8_Whole_Hours_Last_Night | Terror and confusion fell upon the nation this week after nearly 314 million Americans reported inexplicably losing consciousness for 8 hours straight last night, with countless victims helplessly recovering from the fugue-like state with no memory whatsoever of the lost time. I don't know what happened. The last thing I remember, I was sitting on my couch reading and then all of a sudden it's morning again and there's this crust all in my eyes and I have no idea where the last 8 hours went. Some time after dinner it came for my daughter too and now when she asks me what she did for all of last night, all I can really say is, I don't know honey, I don't know. As entire cities reportedly fell under the spell of the unconsciousness epidemic, the nation's infrastructure crept to a standstill, with the president urging Americans to remain calm in the midst of the terrifying incident. Researchers at Princeton University, who have been studying the alarming phenomenon since its inception, told reporters that though they were unable to ascertain the source of the sweeping condition, it appeared to be somehow linked to the setting of the sun. Right now we suspect that there may be some connection between these sudden blackouts and the visions that some Americans have reported experiencing while they were unconscious. But most of these hallucinations are too abstract for us to draw any definite conclusions from. At this time, we urge people to never turn off their lights and under no circumstances close their eyes for any extended period of, oh God, it's happening again. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
TheOnion | No_One_Wanted_This_Poor_Dog_Because_He_Was_A_Registered_Sex_Offender_But_He_Found_A_Home_With_Me | Americans, why do you believe assault weapons must stay legal? So I can defend myself against the woke mob and their vicious cardboard signs. If the founding fathers had semi-automatic rifles, perhaps they would still be alive. If you ban assault rifles, they'll become taboo, and then we'll want them even more and in a sexual way.
I don't know what else to get my wife for our anniversary. I've put too much thought into my manifesto to turn back now.
Assault weapons create lots of good jobs, like trauma ICU surgeon, personal injury attorney, and substitute teacher. I heard the cops take you to Burger King if you shoot up a church. I love Burger King. How are we going to teach kids to survive gun attacks if there are no guns to threaten them with?
Is there some other way to get ice off my windshield?
Being a police officer is a difficult job. You're out there every day trying to protect and serve your community. In a dangerous situation, you're the person they call.
And if that dangerous situation turns violent, you know you're armed. But as every young training cadet is taught, you have to be absolutely sure before drawing your firearm. Because the intoxicating rush of murder should always be a last resort. Feeling that surge of adrenaline after you kill someone should always be your last option. No matter how amazing it is, no matter how powerful you feel, you shouldn't even be removing your gun from its holster unless you've run out of options to de-escalate the situation that aren't nearly as fun. Remember that there's a whole protocol of steps you should take before you have to fall back on feeling that cold steel in your hand, your finger on the trigger, the trigger that feels like it was made just for you.
People will ask me, Steve, have you ever had to fire your gun in the line of duty? And I always chuckle and tell them that police work isn't like what you see in the movies. We're not out there firing our guns all the time.
Sometimes, and when we do, when you see those slugs puncture some suspect's back as he tries to run away, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. And that's why it should be a last resort. Because putting off that high as long as you can until you absolutely can't take it anymore, until you feel like you're going to burst. When you do actually shoot someone down in cold blood, it feels that much more powerful. Oh, God, I can almost taste it.
Like all cops, I take my role to protect my community seriously. You can always count on your local law enforcement to be there, firing as many bullets as they can into whoever's around. That's our promise to you. |
SaturdayNightLive | boston_teens_cumberland_farms_saturday_night_live | Hey, what's up? I'm Pat Sullivan, I'm here with my boy Tormey in front of Cumberland Farms. we're making a video for a Criminal Justice class to show how frighteningly easy it is for miners to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. as I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of tall boys. and if she succeeds, mock my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it into the proper authorities. My mouth! Hey, any luck?
Shut Down! Apparently the clerk was able to distill in Chang. now you're having Lean Chang to me. you are so queer! You are. Alright, freeze! Freeze! you're under arrest for public display of a boner. Oh, the answer to our prayers!
Mr. Eric Pearson, confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and although he's 26, no stranger to our high school social circles. Yeah. hey, yeah, Tormey, your fly's open. haha, sucker! you're one drunk. Erika's top-notch people. one time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom. there's always a patty in his house, because his dad works nights, and his ma is totally deaf. Yeah, yeah, and not to brag.
Not to brag, but I am currently awol from the Coast Guard. he is my idol, second only to Nomar! Nomar! Nomar, we are praying for your wrist. Lordspeed. Yeah. yeah, Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, because we broke up once for a week, and he nearly gave himself Capitol tunnels.
Eric, are you going up to Ash's Hill? Uh, yeah, Tykes had the patties at Gipsy's house. I got moved to Mccubby's basement.
Sazu, Smitty? Saz, everybody! Scoop, Sage, Waddie, Magoo, Duffer? can't be Murph, Doc. Dawney bought a Laudie. yeah, Squeezebox said Hodie and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill.
All right, all right, Kitty Pawn, take a breather. Eric, will you buy us beer? Oh, what if I could, Junior? But I have my license permanently revoked, because I flipped my 4x4 doing donuts in the police parking lot. was it worth it? Oh, no regrets, bro. the compass took my con, I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked piss. All right, tick-tock, boys. me and my pony here are still sober. All right, Plan B. I'm going in. watch and learn.
Oh, my God. So, uh, how's it going, Denise? you can call me Zazu, thank you very much. Zazu! you, uh, you lost weight, but, uh, not in your boobs. Oh, my God. don't start with me, Pearson, all right? last time you sweet-tucked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a back full of poison Ivy. Nah, you loved it.
And don't ever tell Sully we did it, either. he thinks he's my third. that was totally off the record, Tommy. eh, never would have worked out between you and me. you're just a kid, and I got to focus on my landscape and career. Yeah, you're, uh, you're better off with Sully. Oh, uh, I'm well aware, believe me, all right? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intelligence, but you know what? so don't die.
Jackpot! Ah! a mustache and a British accent works every time. ha! hey, uh, can you guys give me a ride up to Ashley's Hill? Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are going to pick us up any minute. Oh! what's up, suckers? Frank, where's your car? it's at the bottom of the reservoir. still? no. again! Aw, come on, Frank. come on, get on! Seriously? all right. yeah, I'll take y'all.
I'm strong, like an edible. Hey, yo, guys, they got a bottle of peach schnapps. they got some, uh, rubber cement in here and a whole gallon of pink, then a wet party inside. Party! |
CrackerMilk | turning_your_comments_into_ideas_crackermilk_podcast | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the... Cracker Milk Podcast! It's good to be back after such a long hiatus. Before we begin, I just want to let everyone know that we're sponsored! Finally! This podcast is sponsored by fucking Manscaped!
My balls have never been, um... You got like, you got fresh balls. I use this one, ball deodorant. Ball deodorant? It's like a paste? It's like you rub it into your balls? Let me fucking tell you, there's nothing worse than when you're going to be with a lady and you take off your underwear and you get a waft of the shotgun that is your own ball sweat.
And this is the solution. And also they sent us this nose trimmer, which I love because I get a hairy schnoz. Let me get it.
That's not that bad. That's not as bad as you thought it would be. That's pretty good.
Like, I don't feel good. Now you're cleared out. And you get this cool toiletry bag. So now I have a beautiful mirth wherever I go. Go to Manscaped and sort out your hygiene. Get a ball trimmer. Be honest with yourself. Deodorant. OK. Nose trimmer.
You can use code cracker milk. Cracker milk.
The 20% off. 20% off. You get all this stuff. 20% off.
You support them. They support us. We're all happy.
So do it. My girlfriend said my balls smelled manly. Really? She's never said that about my balls before. I'm proud. She genuinely said that. Yeah, it's pretty nice. Thanks, Lee, on the professional.
Well, now we're going to do some improv. We're with Jackie Hatton. Hello, Jackie. We're with Jackie Hatton.
You know why she's called Hatton? Because it's the hat.
Yeah. It's our first suggestion. Does anyone? Can you have a look and see if there's a little left, any comments? We're casting the next Jurassic Park movie. OK. Welcome, everyone, to the casting room for the next Jurassic Park movie. Now, do we all have the scripts? Yeah. All up here, brother. We'll just go through the scene, OK? And we'll see how we go.
So why don't you go ahead, and you'll be playing the role of Clint, obviously. Who's Clint?
I haven't read the script. So you haven't read the script either? Has anyone read the script?
Yeah, I pull up here, man. Big Liz. Yeah, Big Liz from Big Liz Casting.
Cast myself. I'm a velociraptor, as you can tell. Again, all of this. But I'm going for the role of Samuel L. Jackson today. Oh, sorry. So you are a velociraptor. I am a velociraptor. And you are auditioning for a human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm auditioning for the role of Samuel L. Jackson today. That's an actor.
So there's no character called. And we're all actors here, so it shouldn't be an issue. And you, who are you auditioning for? Um, Claire. That is not. No one. There's no one called Claire in the script is the thing that I'm kind of confused by. OK.
Will you have a professional choreographer? Well, we simply must if we're going to be acting. Or are we expected to create the dances ourselves?
How am I, a velociraptor, going to know how to walk and talk like a human, like Samuel L. Jackson? I am going to. There's no choreography. I am going to. Just one sec, you fucking cretin.
I'm Steven Spielberg and you all fucking bow to me. How are you the Jaws guy? Actually, yeah. Oh, you're the Jaws guy. That's great to meet you. Yeah. And let me say something. I am truly impressed that a velociraptor can come in here and, you know, be so sophisticated and respectful and affluent. What do you mean by that? I'm not like the other velociraptors? I'm one of the good ones.
No, no, no. I love velocis. They're awesome. But I just think. Velocis. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I thought it'd be great to meet the Jaws guy and just try and slip into his velocis.
I thought that was okay. Like I thought. This is what happens when you don't have a choreographer. No, I have heaps of dinosaur friends. Like heaps of. I'll do you. Yeah.
I have a question, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. I have heaps of dinosaur friends and let me tell you, I get on with them so well. Name three dinosaurs that you're friends with. The T-Rex. You can't name T-Rex. Everyone's friends with T-Rex. Okay. And I'm velociraptor and I know we're not friends with you. Name another dinosaur that isn't velociraptor.
Okay, okay, okay. The dolphin. Okay. Yeah, very clear. Thank you.
That was only two. Hey. That was only two. You only named two. You said name three.
I can count. He can count. You've only got two fingers.
Excuse me, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. Yeah. If I'm auditioning. Please, please call me Samuel. Okay. Don't call him Samuel. He's not playing Samuel. Alright, Samuel.
Did he get the part? No, he didn't. None of you were getting that part. Have you announced who got the part, Sam? None of you's getting parts.
This is the worst rendition. I just wanted to ask, if I'm auditioning for the role as Velociraptor, can I say velocis? Well, let's just say I'm sick of these motherfucking velocis on this motherfucking Jurassic Park. So that was the worst rendition of that line I've seen. And I didn't direct that film.
I think you should hire this guy. And I think you should shut the fuck up. Okay, tell you what, guys. I tell you what, you've all got roles in the film. You guys are going to play a group, hear me out, of fossils. Okay.
I actually can't play a fossil. My agent said that I'm not allowed to play fossils.
Yeah, agent said that. What's your agent's name? I know most of the agents in this town.
Samuel. Last name? Baxin. Samuel Baxin. Yeah. What's his middle initial? Samuel E. Baxin. Well, I just wanted to do my audition, my role, just my line for Velociraptor.
Hey, what's the next suggestion? What should we do? Good. Yell it. What should we do?
Beans. These fucking cunts, they can't be beans. We can work with beans.
Hey there.
Get on the bean, man. And I love to sell beans. You love to sell beans? Yes. I'm the bean man. I'm the beans man's apprentice. I'm here to learn how to bean.
Shut up, boy. What kind of beans do you have there, sir? Shut up.
Marty, fucking wife. You didn't flush the toilet. Oh, shit. Here we go again. Hang on a second.
I'm producing. My boss is always trying to hit his wife. This is my wife.
Hello. I know you.
She's a real bitch.
You trying to sell them your dodgy beans again? I'm just selling them the magic beans that turn into... You know these beans don't work. They were. I've been with him for 30 years. I ain't never seen these beans work. The magic beans or the other beans as well? The kidney beans.
They don't give you new kidneys? Nope. The mung beans don't give you new mung.
What's more believable? That my magic beans don't grow massive bean stalks and they're fake?
Or that my wife, Martha, is a real bitch? I'm not a bitch. Look at that woman. Speak to her. Hello. Shut the fuck up. What a bitch. Am I right? A real bitch.
What you got behind you there? What you got to pay for these beans? Well, I got to pay for... Let's just...
You got that big heifer. Oh, yeah. You got that massive heifer. Oh, look at the size of that cow. Look at the size of that cow. That is a big heifer.
I wasn't actually going to sell my mother. I do have these pails of milk that I've gotten from some heifers back home.
Have you been leading in my bedroom? Have you been sneaking in my bedroom at night?
You got that milky? Can I try some? Yeah, you can try some a little bit. The way you think.
That's cum. That's a little bit spicy on the tongue, isn't it? That's cum. That's a man. That's not your mom. Hoof that, brother. That's cum. See, that's cum. Hoof that. You've been... That's a bull? Yeah. That's a bull and you've been sucking on his cock. Two pails. That's cum.
I love when my son sucks my bull cum out of my bull dick. My big bull cock.
Which is also really really... It's really shaved. It's... But, but...
I'll take my milk ice for you. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Bunch of beans. All right. We'll get rid of this cum somehow. Sorry, cow milk.
Whoa, look, the beans are growing. It's a big beanstalk.
Climb up the top. I'm climbing up the top.
I'm a goose and I've got a big golden egg. Oh my... I'm in the clouds. What is this goose I see before me?
Can you stop singing and get this egg out of my asshole? Oh yeah, sorry man. Fee-fi-fo-fum. I want to jerk off and cum.
Hey, what's going on? What's going on, guys?
Nothing, Graham. Hey, you want to hang out? Graham's always doing this.
Yeah, I'm a bachelor after my wife left me to my dogs. Anyway...
Who the fuck's this? Who the fuck is this? Oh, that's no one, that's no one.
What you doing with your hand up, me fucking goose's cloaca brother? That's me golden goose. Yeah, well, he said that there was an egg stuck up his butt and he needed... Oh, Gary! You fucking funny cunt. No, he just says that so someone fists his cloaca man.
Don't give it away, Graham. Don't give it away.
It's a regular goose.
No, come on, don't give it away. It's just no golden egg. He just loves getting people to shove his hand up his cloaca.
Anyway, look, I got this egg here. Something inside it. What is it? What's inside of it? I don't know, it's a crack and it's hatching. Oh, it's a fucking one of those Vietnamese fermented duck eggs that you eat. Oh, but here it is.
Oh, whoa. Oh my god. What's going on? Who the fuck's this? Why did you say no?
I needed help. I was stuck in there. Hey, you gotta get your head in there and pull out. I've been in there for two weeks. Just stating. How'd you get in there? I was trying to find the giant. And you got up my goose's ass? I swallowed it whole. There are a lot of hallways.
Okay, here's the new improv suggestion we're going to be doing right now, guys. Yeah, man. You guys are going to be in polyamory couples therapy, okay? Yep. And I'll be your couples therapist today.
Hi, everyone. My name is Dr. Stanton Stanton, okay? That's my first name.
Now it says here you guys are a throuple, that's correct? Yeah, I prefer the term three couple. I prefer the term throuple. So you guys are a throuple.
We don't have thrush, just to clarify. Just to clarify. We're not a thrush couple. I don't, I have never said that.
And now there's a bit of conflict because you both want Tom. But unfortunately Tom, it looks like, wants the volleyball from Castaway.
Yeah, yeah, begin to that. Saw the movie last week, blew me away.
First time? Yeah, first time. Really, first time?
Yeah. Great film, isn't it? Watch it without us. Yeah, yeah, I do.
And being away from you guys made me feel like, oh, I can really connect with this volleyball, unlike I can connect with my three couple. Now I just want to break this down. One sec, I just want to stay on you, Tom. Yeah, unlike these two, they don't stay on me.
Okay, okay, that's enough. But I just want to say, yeah. Okay, thank you. You would roll away. Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Shut the fuck up. No hostility. There is no swearing in my office.
This is a professional throuple therapy. Now. I'm sorry, Mr. Stu. You're a sassy motherfucker, aren't you? So you said you were focusing on me.
This is just typical. It's the top. What's typical, mate? This is just so typical.
Why? You said you're going to focus on me. Now you're shifting over. Oh, so it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm putting attention on him. Are you going to him, Dr. Stanton Stanton? Yeah, well, he needs some attention. He's got problems I need to deal with.
Don't it? Can't it be about you, can it? Can it? This wouldn't happen with the volleyball.
And this is what happens in throuple therapy, okay? I join in on the relationship in these sessions and I try to be a bigger issue than everyone else and create large rifts so you have a villain. Yeah, well, if you're going to be a part of this relationship, then you need to start pulling your weight and start cleaning up.
Do you know what I pulled last night? His cock because we have sex privately. That's right. We have private intimate moments. What the fuck did you just say? Yeah, that's right. Does he have thrush?
And you know who was there? You know who was there?
The volleyball from Castaway. That's right.
And he told me he loved me. And I said, no one here loves you.
Fuck off ball. And then I kicked him in the ocean. Well, he's gone again.
Now, how does that make you feel? I gave it a name. Listen, how does that make you guys feel what I just did? It's Wilson. I named it Clinton. But its name is on the ball. And now you'll never find the Clint. I just want to say that. Did that make you feel bad, mate? It did make me feel bad when you brought Clinton into it because Clinton has thrush. Yeah.
And now I'm really concerned that you guys keep bringing up thrush as if like, no, I don't. We don't have thrush. We're not a thrush all.
I have a question for you guys. Yeah. Did you walk in here thinking this was a hospital? Couples meeting, emergency couples meeting. I wasn't sure. What do we think? I didn't know for sure. I like living the crazy life. Emergency couples meeting just here. Emergency couples meeting. Do you ever, ever in your life, listen to any improv going on around you? Yeah. I just kind of live the high life, man. You know what? Emergency couple meeting. Yes.
He has to go because he's trying to open his hole. He's trying to show holes.
Dr. Stanton, Stanton. Just like Basil Prash.
Did you guys need thrush treatment is what I'm trying to figure out. Emergency couple meeting. Do we need thrush treatment and do we think this is a hospital? I don't know if this is a hospital, but I definitely need to treat this thrush.
I can actually hear all of this. I can hear all of this.
Shut the fuck up, Dr. Stanton. We're doing an emergency family meeting.
Did you say your ass is itchy? That's not thrush, bro. You're just not wiping. You can have thrush on your mouth. You can have thrush on your mouth, bro.
Mouth? You got hurt? Sorry, this is an emergency couple meeting. Hey, hey, let me have a look. Check his mouth as well though. And his hands.
Those are eggs. Eggs. Yeah, you guys have eggs all up in your bits.
From when we went to the lake. Yeah, my puss has been full of frog spawn since then. Wait, when did we go to the lake? Why wasn't I invited to the lake? Well, last weekend we went with Clinton. You weren't invited because we said, hey, we're going to go to the lake, but then you went on some other improv about some other bullshit.
Anyway, swans like to burrow into your skin and lay deep, deep eggs. So that's where I went from. Where did you think you were going right? And so... Well, when I put the frog spawn in, I thought that was fine. You thought it's frog spawn you've got in you? Yeah, well, let's see. That's the thing. I thought I only had frog spawn, but you've diagnosed me with swan eggs. Well, were there swans in the lake?
Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. They get you quick. Yeah, big time. You told me you guys were going to go see a musical and a ballet. Yeah.
Swan Lake. The egg cut. Who was there directing it?
Clinton.
The volleyball that doesn't speak told you to shove frog eggs up your ass.
Yeah. He tells me to do a lot of things. Yeah.
But you said that it wasn't going to be an interactive performance. That's why I didn't go.
Look at that. The hour's up. I think we've really made some progress today with everyone. I thought it was a good show. Yeah. That was... I liked it. Okay. Thanks guys. See ya. Emergency couple meeting. Yeah. See ya everyone. Hey, I just thought that was really good. Yeah.
And I think we should all... If you want to see the 60-minute version of this podcast, you can check it out on Patreon instead of this shitty short version that sucks.
I have an idea of how to get those swan eggs out of our house. What if we use Manscaped to use the razors to slice off those swan eggs? Since I've been using Manscaped, I've had a lot of frog spawn in my house.
Well, I'm the foreman. I'm five years old. I've been here for about two years. Pretty good job.
Before that, I was working at Maccas. And before that, I was working... Well, I was enslaved, obviously. How long were you at Maccas for? I was a McDonald's slave for about a year. So you were two when you started at Maccas?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. And you'll be playing the role of Clint, obviously. Who's Clint?
I haven't read the script. So you haven't read the script either. I can't read. Has anyone read the script?
Yeah, I'll pull it up here, man. Big Liz. Yeah, Big Liz from Big Liz Casting.
Cast myself. I'm a velociraptor, as you can tell. But I'm going for the role of Samuel L. Jackson today. Oh, sorry. So you are a velociraptor. I am a velociraptor. And you're auditioning for a human. Yeah, I'm auditioning for the role of Samuel L. Jackson today.
That's an actor. So there's no character called... And we're all actors here, so it shouldn't be an issue. And you. Who are you auditioning for? Um, Claire. That is not... There's no one called Claire in the script, is the thing that I'm kind of confused by. Okay.
Will you have a professional choreographer? Well, we simply must if we're going to be acting. Or are we expected to create the dances ourselves?
How am I, a velociraptor, going to know how to walk and talk like a human like Samuel L. Jackson? I am going to. There's no choreography. I am going to. Just one sec, you fucking cretin. I'm Steven Spielberg and you will fucking bow to me.
Actually, you're the Jaws guy. That's great to meet you. And let me say something. I am truly impressed that a velociraptor can come in here and, you know, be so sophisticated and respectful and affluent. What do you mean by that? I'm not like the other velociraptors. I'm one of the good ones. No, no, no. I love velocis. They're awesome.
But I just think... Velocis. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I thought it'd be great to meet the Jaws guy and just try and slip into his name with Samuel L. Jackson. I thought that was okay. Like I thought... This is what happens when you don't have a choreographer. No, I have like, I have heaps of dinosaur friends. Like heaps of... I'll do you. Yeah.
I have a question, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. I have heaps of dinosaur friends and let me tell you, like, I get on with them so well. Name three dinosaurs that you're friends with. The T-Rex. You can't name T-Rex. Everyone's friends with T-Rex. Okay. And I'm velociraptor and I know we're not friends with you. Name another dinosaur that isn't velociraptor or T-Rex.
Okay, okay, okay. The dolphin. Okay. Yeah, we're clear. Thank you.
That was only two. Hey. That was only two. You only named two and you said name three.
I can count. He can count.
You've only got two fingers. Excuse me, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. Yeah. If I'm auditioning...
Please, please call me Samuel. Okay, Samuel. Don't call him Samuel. He's not playing Samuel. All right, Samuel.
Did he get the part? No, he didn't. None of you are getting the part. Have you announced who got the part, Sam? No, he's getting parts.
I just wanted to ask, if I'm auditioning for the role as Velociraptor, can I say velocis? Well, let's just say I'm sick of these motherfucking velocis on this motherfucking Jurassic Park. So that was the worst rendition of that line I've seen and I didn't direct that film. I think you should hire this guy. And I think you should shut the fuck up.
Okay, I tell you what, guys. I tell you what, you've all got roles in the film. You guys are going to play a group, hear me out, of fossils. Okay.
I actually can't play a fossil. My agent said that I'm not allowed to play fossils.
Your agent said that? What's your agent's name? I know most of the agents in this town.
Samuel. Last name? Baxin. Samuel Baxin. Yeah. What's his middle initial?
Well, we simply must if we're going to be acting. Or are we expected to create the dances ourselves?
How am I, a velociraptor, going to know how to walk and talk like a human, like Samuel L. Jackson? I am going to, just one sec, you fucking cretin. I'm Steven Spielberg and you all fucking bow to me. Are you the Jaws guy? Actually, yeah. Oh, you're the Jaws guy. That's great to meet you. And let me say something. I am truly impressed that a velociraptor can come in here and be so sophisticated and respectful and affluent. What do you mean by that? I'm not like the other velociraptors. I'm one of the good ones.
No, no, no. I love velocis. They're awesome. But I just think that... Velocis. Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
I thought it'd be great to meet the Jaws guy and just try and slip into his name with Samuel L. Jackson. I thought that was okay. Like, I thought...
This is what happens when you don't have a choreographer. No, I have heaps of dinosaur friends. Like heaps of... Oh, do you? Yeah.
I have a question, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. I have heaps of dinosaur friends and let me tell you, I get on with them so well. Name three. Name three dinosaurs that you're friends with. The T-Rex. You can't name T-Rex. Everyone's friends with T-Rex. Okay. And I'm Velociraptor and I know we're not friends with you. Name another dinosaur that isn't Velociraptor.
Okay, okay, okay. The dolphin. Okay. Yeah, very clear. Thank you.
That was only two. Hey? That was only two. You only named two and you said name three.
I can count. He can count. You've only got two fingers.
Excuse me, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. Yeah. If I'm auditioning... Please, please.
Call me Samuel. Okay, Samuel. Don't call him Samuel. He's not playing Samuel. All right, Samuel.
Did he get the part? No, he didn't get... None of you are getting the part. Have you announced who got the part, Samuel? No, he's getting parts.
This is the worst edition. I just wanted to ask, if I'm auditioning for the role as Velociraptor, can I say velocis? Well, let's just say I'm sick of these motherfucking velocis on this motherfucking Jurassic Park. So that was the worst rendition of that line I've seen. And I didn't direct that film.
I think you should hire this guy. And I think you should shut the fuck up. Okay, I tell you what, guys. I tell you what, you've all got roles in the film. You guys are gonna play a group, hear me out, of fossils. Okay.
I actually can't play a fossil. My agent said that I'm not allowed to play fossils.
Yeah, agent said that. What's your agent's name? I know most of the agents in this town.
Samuel. Last name? Baxin. Samuel Baxin. Yeah. What's his middle initial? Samuel E. Baxin. Well, I just wanted to do my audition, my role, just my line for Velociraptor.
Hey, what's the next suggestion? What should we do? Good. Yell it. What should we do?
Beans. These fucking can'ts, they can't be. These can'ts. We can work with beans.
Hey there.
Get on the bean man. And I love to sell beans. You love to sell beans? Yes, that's... I'm the bean man. I'm the beans man's apprentice. I'm here to learn how to beans.
Shut up, boy. What kind of beans do you have there, sir? What's up, beans? Yeah, shut up.
You got kidney beans, we got baked beans, the mung beans, the mung beans. And we've also got magic beans. You got magic beans.
Marty. Fucking wife. You didn't flush the toilet. Oh, shit. Here we go again. Hang on a second.
I'm producing. My boss is always trying to hit his wife. This is my wife. Hello. She's a real bitch.
You trying to sell them your dodgy beans again? I'm just selling them the magic beans that turn into... You know these beans don't work. They were. I've been with him for 30 years. I ain't never seen these beans work. The magic beans or the other beans as well? The kidney beans.
They don't give you new kidneys? Nope. The mung beans don't give you new mung.
What's more believable? That my magic beans don't grow massive bean stalks and they're fake or that my wife, Martha, is a real bitch?
I'm not a bitch. Look at that woman. Speak to her. Hello. Shut the fuck up. Okay. What a bitch. Am I right? A real bitch.
What you got behind you there? What you got to pay for these beans? What I got to pay for? Um, let's just um...
You got that big heifer. Oh yeah. You got that massive heifer. Look at the size of that cow. That is a big heifer.
I wasn't actually gonna sell my mother. I do have these pails of milk that I've gotten from some heifers. Where'd you get those?
Have you been leading in my bedroom? Everyone's sneaking in my bedroom at night.
You got that milky? Can I try some? Yeah, you can try some a little bit. What do you think?
That's cum. That's a little bit spicy on the tongue, isn't it? That's cum. That's a man. That's not your mom. Hoof that, brother. That's cum.
You've been... That's a bull? Yeah. That's a bull and you've been sucking on his cock. Two pails. I love when my son sucks my bull cum. Out of my bull dick. My big bull cock.
Which is also really really... Cut the live, Bean. That's enough. It's really shaved. You should cut the live.
But, but I'm... I'll take my milk elsewhere. Will you flush the toilet? Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
Bunch of beans. All right, we'll get rid of this cum somehow. Sorry, cow milk. Whoa, look, the beans are growing. It's a big beanstalk.
Climb up the top. I'm climbing up the top. Climbing up the top.
I'm a goose and I've got a big golden egg. Oh my... I'm in the clouds. What is this goose I see before me?
Can you stop singing and get this egg out of my asshole? Oh yeah, sorry man. Fee-fi-fum, I want to jerk off and cum.
Hey, what's going on? What's going on, guys?
I am nothing, Graham. Hey, you want to hang out? Graham's always doing this. Yeah, I'm a bachelor after me wife left me to me dogs.
Anyway, who the fuck's this? Who the fuck is this?
Oh, that's no one. That's no one.
What you doing with your hand up, me fucking goose's cloaca brother? That's me golden goose. Yeah, well, he said that there was an egg stock up his butt and he needed to get it out. You fucking funny cunt. No, he just says that so someone fits his cloaca man.
Don't give it away, Graham. Don't give away the game. It's a regular goose. No, don't give away the game.
He just loves getting to be able to shove his hand up his cloaca. Anyway, look, I got this egg here. Something inside it. What is it? Inside of it. I don't know, but it's cracking, it's hatching. Oh, it's a fucking one of those Vietnamese fermented duck eggs that you eat. Oh, but here it is.
Oh, whoa. Oh, my God. What's going on? Who the fuck's this? Why did you say no?
I needed help. I was stuck in there. Hey, you got to get your hand in there. Pull out. I've been in there for two weeks. Just stating. How did you get in there? I was trying to find the giant. And you got up my goose's ass? I swallowed her whole. There are a lot of hallway.
Well, I just wanted to do my audition. My role, just my line for.
Hey, what's the next suggestion? What should we do? Good. Yell it. What should we do?
Beans. These fucking what the fuck? These cunts. We can work with beans.
Hey there.
Get on the bean man. And I love to sell beans. You love to sell beans? Yes, that's on the bean man. I'm the beans man's apprentice. I'm here to learn how to beans.
Shut up boy. What kind of beans do you have there? Shut up.
Marty. Fucking wife. You didn't flush the toilet. Oh shit. Here we go again. Hang on a second.
I'm producing. My boss is always trying to hit his wife. This is my wife. Hello. She's a real bitch.
You trying to sell them your dodgy beans again? I'm just selling them the magic beans that turn into. You know these beans don't work. They were. I've been with him for 30 years. I ain't never seen these beans work. The magic beans or the other beans as well? The kidney beans.
They don't give you new kidneys? Nope. The mung beans don't give you new mung.
What's more believable? That my bean magic beans don't grow massive bean stalks and they're fake or that my wife Martha is a real bitch.
I'm not a bitch. Look at that woman. Speak to her. Hello. Shut the fuck up. Okay. What a bitch. Am I right? A real bitch.
What you got behind you there? What you got to pay for these beans? What I got to pay for?
You got that big heifer. Oh yeah. You got that massive heifer. Look at the size of that cow. That is a big heifer.
I wasn't actually going to sell my mother. I do have these pails of milk that I've gotten from some heifers. Where'd you get those?
Have you been leading in my bedroom? Have you been sneaking in my bedroom at night?
You got that milky? Can I try some? Yeah, you can try some a little bit. What do you think?
That's cum. That's a little bit spicy. No, no, that's cum. That's a man. That's not your mom. Hoof that, brother. That's cum. That's a bull? Yeah. That's a bull and you've been sucking on his cock? Too pale. That's cum.
I love when my son sucks my bull cum out of my bull dick. My big bull cock.
Which is also really rewy. It's rewy shave.
Will you flush the toilet? Get the fuck out of here. All right, we'll get rid of this cum somehow. Sorry, cow milk.
Whoa, look, the beans have grown. It's a big beanstalk.
Climb up the top. I'm climbing up the top.
I'm a goose and I got a big golden egg. Oh my, I'm in the clouds. What is this goose I see before me?
Can you stop singing and get this egg out of my asshole? Oh yeah, sorry man. Fee-fi-fo-fum. I want to jerk off and cum.
Hey, what's going on? What's going on, guys?
Nothing, Graham. Hey, you want to hang out? Graham's always doing this. Yeah, me bachelor after me wife left me to me dogs.
Anyway, who the fuck's this? Who the fuck is this?
Oh, that's no one. That's no one.
What you doing with your hand up, me fucking goose's cloaca, brother? That's me golden goose. Yeah, well, he said that there was an egg stuck up his butt and he needed to get it out. Gary, you fucking funny cunt. No, he just says that so someone fits his cloaca man.
Don't give it away, Graham. Don't give it away, the guy. It's a regular goose. No, don't give it away, the guy.
He just loves getting people to shove his hand up his cloaca. Look, I got this egg here. Something inside it. What is it? Inside of it. Oh, it was cracking, it's hatching. Oh, it's a fucking one of those Vietnamese fermented duck eggs that you eat. Oh, but here it is.
Oh, whoa. Oh my God. What's going on? Who the fuck's this? Why did you say no?
I needed help. I was stuck in there. Hey, you gotta get your hand in there, pull out. I've been in there for two weeks. Gestating. How'd you get in there? I was trying to find the giant. And you got up my goose's ass? I swallowed it whole. There are a lot of hallways.
Okay, here's the new improv suggestion we're going to be doing right now, guys. Yeah, man. What's up? You guys are going to be in polyamory couples therapy, okay? Yep. And I'll be your couples therapist today. Hi, everyone.
My name's Dr. Sorry, my name's Dr. Stanton Stanton. Okay, that's my first name.
Now it says here you guys are a throuple, that's correct? Yeah, I prefer the term three couple. I prefer the term throuple. So you guys are a throuple.
We don't have thrush, just to clarify. Just to clarify. We're not a thrush couple. I don't, I have never said that.
And now there's a bit of conflict because you both want Tom. But unfortunately, Tom, it looks like wants the volleyball from Castaway.
Yeah, yeah. Begin to that. Saw the movie last week, blew me away. First time? Yeah. Really? First time. Yeah. Great film, isn't it? Watch it without us. Yeah, yeah, I do.
And it being away from you guys made me feel like, oh, I can really connect with this volleyball. Unlike I can connect with my three couple. Now, I just want to break this down. One sec, I just want to stay on you, Tom. Yeah, unlike these two, they don't stay on me.
Okay, okay. That's enough. But I just want to say, yeah, okay, thank you. You would roll away. Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
No hostility. There is no swearing in my office. This is a professional throuple therapy.
Now. I'm sorry, Mr. Stu. You're a sassy motherfucker. You said you were focusing on me.
This is just typical. It's the top. What's typical, mate? This is just so typical.
Why? You said you're going to focus on me and now you're shifting over. Oh, so it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm putting attention on him. Now you're going to him, Dr. Stanton, Stanton. Yeah, well, he needs some attention. He's got problems I need to deal with, don't he? It can't all be about you, can it?
Can it? This wouldn't happen with the volleyball.
And this is what happens in throuples therapy. Okay. I join in on the relationship in these sessions and I try to be a bigger issue than everyone else and re couples therapy. Okay. Yep. And I'll be your couples therapist today. Hi, everyone. My name is Dr. Sorry. My name is Dr. Stanton Stanton. Okay. That's my first name. Now it says here you guys are a throuple. That's correct. Yeah.
I prefer the term three couple. I prefer the term throuple. So you guys are a throuple.
We don't have thrush. Just to clarify. We're not a thrush couple. I don't, I have never said that.
And now there's a bit of conflict because you both want Tom, but unfortunately Tom, it looks like, wants the volleyball from Castaway. Yeah. Begin to that. Saw the movie last week. Bloom your way. First time. Yeah. Really? First time. Yeah. Great film, isn't it? Watch it without us. Yeah. Yeah, I do.
And, uh, and it being away from you guys made me feel like, oh, I can really connect with this volleyball. Unlike I can connect with my throuple, three couple.
Now I just want to break this down one for one sec. I just want to stay on you, Tom. Why don't we just go? They don't stay on me.
Okay. That's enough. But I just want to say, yeah. Okay. Thank you. You would roll away. Okay.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Shut the fuck up. No hostility. There is no swearing in my office. This is a professional throuple therapy.
Now, I'm sorry, Mr. You're a sassy motherfucker. You said you were focusing on me.
This is just typical. It's the top. What's typical, man? This is just so typical.
Why?
You said you're going to focus on me. Now you're shifting over. Oh, so it's my fault. It's my fault that I'm putting attention on him. Now you're going to him, Dr. Stanton, Stanton. Yeah, well, he needs some attention. He's got problems I need to deal with.
Don't he? Can't it all be about you, can it? Can it? This wouldn't happen with the volleyball.
And this is what happens in throuple's therapy. I join in on the relationship in these sessions. And I try to be a bigger issue than everyone else and create large rifts so you have a villain. Yeah, well, if you're going to be a part of this relationship, then you need to start pulling your weight and start cleaning up.
Do you know what I pulled last night? His cock. Because we have sex privately. That's right. We have private intimate moments. The fuck did you just say? Yeah, that's right. Does he have thrush?
And you know who was there? You know who was there?
The volleyball from Castaway. That's right. And he told me he loved me. And I said, no one here loves you. Fuck off, ball. Again.
Now, how does that make you think? Because we have sex privately. That's right. We have private intimate moments. The fuck did you just say? Yeah, that's right. Does he have thrush?
And you know who was there? You know who was there?
The volleyball. And now you'll never find the Clint.
I just want to say that. Did that make you feel bad, mate? It did make me feel bad. From Castaway. That's right.
And he told me he loved me. And I said, no one here loves you.
Fuck off, ball. And then I kicked him in the ocean. Yeah, well, he's gone. Again.
Now, how does that make you feel? I gave it a name. Listen, how does that make you guys feel, what I just did? It's Wilson. I named it Clinton.
Yeah, but it's not. Clinton has thrush. Yeah. And now I'm really concerned that you guys keep bringing up thrush as if like, no, I don't. We don't have thrush. We're not a thrush all. I have a question for you guys. Yeah. Did you walk in here thinking this was a hospital? No. And now you'll never find the Clint. I just want to say that. Did that make you feel bad, mate? It did make me feel bad when you brought Clinton into it, because Clinton has thrush. Yeah. And now I'm really concerned that you guys keep bringing up thrush as if like, no, I don't. We don't have a thrush all. We're not a thrush all. I have a question for you guys. Yeah.
Did you walk in here thinking this was a hospital? Couples meeting, emergency couples meeting. I wasn't sure. What do we think? I didn't know. I like living like the crazy. Emergency couples meeting. I wasn't sure. What do we think? I didn't know. I like living like the crazy.
Emergency couples meeting. This is a couples meeting. Emergency couples meeting.
Do you ever, ever in your life, listen to any improv going on around you? Yeah, I just kind of live the high life, man. I just, you know what?
Emergency couples meeting. Yes. He has to go because he's trying to open his hole. He's trying to show hole to Dr. Stanton Stanton. Just like Basil. Did you guys need thrush treatment is what I'm trying to figure out. Emergency couples meeting. Do we need thrush treatment and do we think this is a hospital? Um, I don't know. This is the thing, he doesn't listen. Listen to any improv going on around you. Yeah, I just kind of live the high life, man. I just, you know what? Emergency couples meeting. Yes. He has to go because he's trying to open his hole. He's trying to show hole to Dr. Stanton Stanton. Just like Basil. Did you guys need thrush treatment is what I'm trying to figure out.
Emergency couples meeting.
Do we need thrush treatment and do we think this is a hospital? Um, I don't know if this is a hospital, but I definitely need to treat this thrush.
I can actually hear all of this. I can hear all of this.
Shut the fuck up Dr. Stanton Stanton. We're doing an emergency family meeting.
Did you say your ass is itchy? That's not thrush, bro. You're just not wiping. You can have thrush on your mouth. You can have thrush on your mouth, bro.
Mouth? Sorry, this is an emergency couple meeting. Hey, hey, let me have a look. Oh, check his mouth as well though. And his hands.
Those are eggs. Eggs. Yeah. You guys have eggs all up in your bits.
From when we went to the lake. Ah, yeah. My puss has been full of frog spawn since then. Wait, when did we go to the lake? Why wasn't I invited to the lake? Well, last weekend we went with Clinton. You weren't invited because we said, hey, we're going to go to the lake. But then you went on some other improv about to get me out.
I can hear all of this.
My ass is crazy. It is overcrime. Shut the fuck up Dr. Stanton Stanton. We're doing an emergency family meeting. Did you say your ass is itchy?
That's not thrush, bro. You're just not wiping. You can have thrush on your mouth. You can have thrush on your mouth, bro. Mouth? You've got herpes, bro.
Sorry, this is an emergency couple meeting. You won't have to.
Hey, hey, let me have a look. Look. Oh. Check his mouth as well, though. And his hands.
Those are eggs. Eggs. Eggs? Yeah, you guys have eggs all up in your bits.
From when we went to the lake. Yeah, my puss has been full of frog spawn since then. Wait, when did we go to the lake? Why wasn't I invited to the lake? Well, last weekend we went with Clinton. You weren't invited because we said, hey, we're going to go to the lake.
But then you went on some other improv about some other bullshit. Anyway, swans like to burrow into your skin and lay deep, deep eggs. So that's where I went wrong. Where did you think you were going right?
And so. Well, when I put the frog spawn in, I thought that was fine. Oh, you thought it's frog spawn you've got in you. Yeah, well, let's see. That's the thing. I thought I only had frog spawn, but you've diagnosed me with swan eggs. Well, were there swans in the lake?
Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. They get you quick. Yeah, big time.
You told me you guys were going to go see a musical and a ballet. Yeah, swan lake. The egg cut. And who was there directing it?
Clinton.
The volleyball that doesn't speak, told you to shove frog eggs up your ass. Yeah, he tells me to do a lot of things. Yeah.
But you said that it wasn't going to be an interactive performance. That's why I didn't go.
Look at that. The hour's up. I think we've really made some progress today with everyone. I thought it was a good show. Yeah. I liked it. OK, thanks, guys. See you. Emergency couple meeting. Yeah. See you, everyone. Hey, I just thought that was a really good podcast. And I think we should all.
I have an idea of how to get those swan eggs out of there. What if we use Manscaped to use the razors to slice off those swan eggs? Since I've been using Manscaped, I've had a lot of frogs born in my ears.
Well, I'm the foreman. I'm five years old. I've been here for about two years. Pretty good job.
Before that, I was working at Maccas. And before that, I was working. Well, I was enslaved, obviously. How long were you at Maccas for? I was a McDonald's slave for about a year. So you were two when you started at Maccas?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I went wrong. Where did you think you were going right? And so.
Well, when I put the frog spawn in, I thought that was fine. You thought it's frog spawn you've got in you. Yeah, well, let's see. That's the thing. I thought I only had frog spawn, but you've diagnosed me with swan eggs. Well, were there swans in the lake?
Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. They get you quick. Yeah, big time now.
You told me you guys were going to go see a musical and a ballet. Yeah, swan lake. The egg cut. And who was there directing it?
Clinton.
The volleyball that doesn't speak told you to shove frog eggs up your ass. Yeah, he tells me to do a lot of things. Yeah.
But you said that it wasn't going to be an interactive performance. That's why I didn't go.
Look at that. The hour's up. I think we've really made some progress today with everyone. I thought it was a good show. Yeah, that was. I feel really connected to you guys. Thanks, guys. See you. Yeah. Emergency couple meeting. Yeah. See you, everyone. Hey, I just thought that that was a crack in our podcast. Yeah, and I think we should all manscaped. If you want to see the 60-minute version of this podcast, you can check it out. It's been really healthy. Instead of this shitty, short version that sucks. Yeah.
I have an idea of how to get those swan eggs out of our house. What if we use manscaped to use the razors to slice off those swan eggs? Since I've been using manscaped, I've had a lot of frogs born in my house.
Well, I'm the foreman. I'm five years old. I've been here for about two years. Pretty good job.
Before that, I was working at Maccas. And before that, I was working... Well, I was enslaved, obviously. How long were you at Maccas for? I was a McDonald's slave for about a year. So you were two when you started at Maccas?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | murder_detective_snl | Okay, Parker. what do we got?
Looks like a mugging detective. Vic was picking up a pizza from Desantis when he was struck from behind.
Herb stashed him here once. he was dead. what can you tell us about the Vic? uh, no Id yet, but he's male. we're thinking mid-40s. Yeah, we're running tests back in the lab now. should get Id results soon.
Mmm. ah, god. poor bastard was just picking up a pizza. what do you think, Sims? I think. he should've ordered delivery. Yeah, so. based on the state of the body, I'd put time of death maybe yesterday 5 p.m. So he's been sitting out here all night. yeah, no signs of a struggle. poor guy didn't even see him coming. Mmm. how you guys doing? uh, not great. the guy's dead. yeah, totally. yeah. poor guy.
I don't know about you, but, uh, I'm thinking. this guy. should've ordered delivery. yeah, man, we heard you the first time. Oh, you did? yeah, you were right next to us. Oh, cool. just making sure, because you guys didn't really laugh the first time. are there any signs of the murder weapon anywhere? yeah. this pipe was found next to the body. we think this might be it. Mmm. pretty rough scene, huh? uh, yeah. pretty bad. Yeah, I was just telling these guys, uh, I don't know about you, but if I was this guy, I would've ordered the. the delivery.
Yeah, Sims. everybody heard your joke, man. All right? it's just not funny. we didn't laugh. Yeah, Sims. a man is dead. you know what? you guys are right. that was inappropriate, and I'm sorry. it's fine. just let it go.
Detectives, I've got, uh, the Id results. uh, the Vic's name is Richard Turkle. lives up on 133rd Street. Okay, and did Mr. Turkle have any known enemies?
Because based on the crime scene, it's clear that somebody wanted a pizza hen. that's funny. that's funny. Oh, thanks, guys. it just came to me. I don't know how. this is so funny. the hell was that?
Sorry, man. it was just a little joke. No, no. it wasn't a joke. it was a pun. you're all creaming your jeans for a pun. I'm sorry. no more jokes. a man is dead. let's just have some respect.
I got Mrs. Turkle here, the widow, to confirm the Id. Is that him? is that rich? we think so. Mrs. Turkle, we just need you to confirm. what will I do without him?
He was the only man I ever loved. he made me smile. he made me laugh. a sense of humor. that's so important. it's good that he had one. Yeah, he was always spreading laughter. he was the light of my life. the type of guy who just wants to make people laugh. maybe sometimes says the wrong thing, but he don't mean no harm. nothing wrong with that. Now I don't know if I'll ever laugh again.
I mean, I was kind of saying a joke to these guys a second ago. Detective? no. no, please. it's strange, but a joke would be nice. it would remind me of Richard. I was just, uh. I was just saying to these guys, you know, because of the, you know, we're at a pizza place. I don't know about you, but I'm looking around, and.
I don't know about you, but I'm kind of thinking, you know, this guy should have ordered delivery. Yeah, so. based on the state of the body, I'd put time of death maybe yesterday, 5 p.m. So he's been sitting out here all night. you got no signs of a struggle. poor guy didn't even see him coming. mm. how you guys doing? uh, not great. the guy's dead. Yeah, totally. yeah. poor guy. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking, this guy should have ordered delivery.
Yeah, man, we heard you the first time. Oh, you did? yeah, you were right next to us.
Oh, cool. just making sure, because you guys didn't really laugh the first time. are there any signs of the murder weapon anywhere? yeah. this pipe was found next to the body. we think this might be it.
Mm. pretty rough scene, huh? Uh, yeah. pretty bad.
Yeah, I was just telling these guys, I don't know about you, but if I was this guy, I would have ordered the. the delivery.
Yeah, Sims. everybody heard your joke, man. All right? it's just not funny. we didn't laugh. Yeah, Sims. a man is dead. you know, you guys are right. that was inappropriate, and I'm sorry. it's fine. just let it go.
Detectives, I've got the Id results. the Vic's name is Richard Turkle. lives up on 133rd Street. Okay, and did Mr. Turkle have any known enemies?
Because based on the crime scene, it's clear that somebody wanted a pizza hen. that's so funny. that's funny. that's funny. Oh, thanks, guys. it just came to me. I don't know how. it's just so funny. it was, um. the hell was that?
Sorry, man. it was just a little joke. No, no. it wasn't a joke. it was a pun. you're all creaming your jeans for the pun. I'm sorry. no more jokes. a man is dead. let's just have some respect.
I got Mrs. Turkle here, the widow, to confirm the Id. Is that him? is that rich? we think so, Mrs. Turkle. we just need you to confirm. what will I do without him?
He was the only man I ever loved. he made me smile. he made me laugh. Yeah. a sense of humor. that's so important. it's good that he had one. Yeah, he was always spreading laughter. he was the light of my life. that guy who just wants to make people laugh. maybe sometimes says the wrong thing, but he don't mean no harm. nothing wrong with that. Well, now I don't know if I'll ever laugh again.
I mean, I was kind of saying a joke to these guys a second ago. Detective? no. no, please. it's strange, but a joke would be nice. it would remind me of Richard. I was just, uh. I was just saying to these guys, you know, because of the, you know, we're at a pizza place. yeah.
I don't know about you, but I'm looking around, and. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of thinking, you know, this guy should have ordered delivery. |
dropout | awkward_at_parties_horror_movie_with_allison_williams_and_lil_rel | I've got a bad feeling about this. I suck at parties.
Oh, I'm so sorry. This looks fun. Oh, okay. Hi. Hey. Allison. I know. God, I'm so overdressed. My. You look fancy. My. You look fancy. Hey. Sorry. Okay. I'm so sorry.
Are we shaking or are we hugging? I don't know. I'm not a hugger. No, I just made it worse. Why don't you know how to do this? Shh. Who are you?
I didn't realize I was supposed to RSVP. You're not supposed to be here. Going somewhere? I was just going to make an Irish exit.
What? Guess what I got? Allison. What? Allison, that's the footpath I got you last year. Look. You got away from this. You didn't even try it? Allison, what's wrong? Rel?
Oh, my God. Allison, whoa. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
I just had the most disastrous experience I've ever had at a party. I thought you said you were out of town. I ran into the guy that I canceled on. Why would you lie? I clogged the toilet. Real bad.
And I thought I saw a little girl. Little girl?
I'm not a girl. I'm a man with long hair.
I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. I'm so rude. Happy birthday.
Were you surprised? Surprised about what? Surprise!
I thought I had my place to myself tonight. I got a Tinder day coming. Somebody finally swiped right for me. I haven't had a woman over here in years, okay? I am so damn horny.
Hold on. Surprise! I don't even know these fucking people.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
CrackerMilk | it_s_okay_he_won_t_bite | Thanks so much for visiting my apartment. Ooh, here's my dog Jellybean! Ooh, the cutie! He's very friendly. Give him a pat! Uh, I don't know, he looks kind of upset. He is so friendly. He hasn't bitten anyone before, ever. Hey, Jellybean.
Don't you dare touch me. I will bite you to the bone. I will take you out. I will make you suffer. I will put you through so much pain. I will rip you from pink and limb to limb. I will tear you apart. If they take me to the vet to put me down because of what I did, I will beat the vet to a living pop and I will come and find you and I will make you pay again, again, and again. And then, I'll take a shit on your bed.
Yeah, nah, I don't know about this, to be honest. Yeah, this isn't gonna work unless you can pat my dog. Hey, Jellybean! Good f- Ah!
And just say thank you. Thank you. Audience, thank you, audience. Thank you, audience. And shout- |
cracked | the_5_biggest_douchebags_of_the_past_seven_days | It's Friday, April 4th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I think we're alone now, except for this man, my new co-anchor, Orrin J. Katzeth. And sorry, ladies, he's taken. Let's get to the news.
Children playing on a Scottish beach discovered a woman's severed head in a plastic bag earlier this week. Hey, come on. Nothing wrong with a little head. On the beach. With children.
The R.A.M. singer announced earlier this week that he is, in fact, gay. Come on, anyone surprised here? Mikey, the only thing more open than the secret of your gayness is your anus whenever there's a dick in the room.
Yeah, you like that? He liked that. He did.
Douchebag number four, a California elementary school teacher. She was arrested this week after a student discovered a gun in one of her drawers. You know, that's not as bad as what some students put in their teacher's drawers. They're semen. Hahaha. Comparatively, the gun's just not so bad. Oh, this just in. As it turns out, gun is the name of this young Indian student.
Douchebag number three, Ari Davidson. Douchebag number two, Lonely Girl 15.
Or more specifically, Jessica Rose, the actress who portrayed her. She's now starring in a new web-based video series. Hey, Lonely Girl, listen up. Web-based shows do not work.
Trust me. Awkward. And finally, douchebag number one, Kirk Filch. Seriously, what the hell were we thinking? Here are some tough questions. How did Kirk Filch ever get hired? Has anyone ever laughed at anything he said? Does his own mother regret possessing the vagina that allowed him passage into God's green earth? I'm Lex Friedman, and here's one answer. Kirk Filch is a douchebag. That's it for today's edition of the News On Crack. Check back next week to find out if I've been fired yet. For Orange A Cat's F, I'm Lex Friedman. |
SaturdayNightLive | hairem_scarem_hair_horror_stories_snl | Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester and I brought it to Vince at Murrell's House of Beauty and I said I want to look exactly like her So Vince says you should have a perm your hair's tooth in So I believed him, it was Vince. So Vince puts the rods in and then he turns to me and he says coffee. I said, sure, double double. what's double double double cream and double sugar So Vince goes off, and I'm halfway through the inquirer when I realized that four hours of going by and Vince isn't back? Well, I did the puzzle. And so then a policeman comes in and tells me Vince was mugged and he won't be able to take the rods out.
So then what happened? Well, I didn't get married because of this. Oh My. God. Prosecuted.
Well, you know, you really can't blame Vince. Oftentimes in many Perm cases, you cannot remove the rise on time due to uncontrollable circumstances and sometimes muggins. But on the other hand, I will admit that they are hairdressers in the business that are what is known as scissor happy. In the world of hair, anything can happen.
Well, do you do you have any advice for Gwen here as to how she can live a normal life with this affliction? Oh, certainly. I suggest you visit the Chateau du Toupee. We will fit you with what we call a transitional wig. and of course we offer group sessions for other perm victims such as yourself. Well, that sounds very helpful. Thank you.
What about me? Oh, yes, I was coming to you Val. Dually ladies and gentlemen, victim of a wig scam? Val. What happened?
Well, it wasn't my wedding day or anything like that, but I was at the mall and I used to have hair down in my buttocks and it was just like Crystal Gale. Oh, she's got a head of hair. Anyway, I was going up the escalator and suddenly, I feel something brushing against me and I just figured it was some guy from voter registration and I get to the top and I feel lightheaded and I look in a mirror and somebody's just cut off my hair. it's just gone. it's just all gone. And a friend told me later that it happens a lot to Chinese girls. it's like a scam or something. and what they do is they cut off your ponytail and they make it into a wig. Well, you are you at all Chinese? No, I don't think so. but I do believe that there is a demand for my hair color. Well, what color was your hair? Well, it was very much like his. Just an outrageous story Mr. Dion, you are in the wig business. perhaps you've heard of this. No, I've never heard of it. it is a shock to me. Well, that's just not true because the police told me that it happens all the time. I mean, who's to say that the people that are selling you your hair for your wigs aren't selling you hot hair? I mean, who's to say that that is in my hair sitting on top of your head?
Well, that's all the time we have for today folks. Join us next week on Harem Scarum when our guests are Vida Cosgrove who lost her hair in a hunting accident and Sonja Riddle who shaved her head for attention. Thank you and good night. |
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