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1,500 | 1,501 | What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them. | [ 1.29105989e-02 -1.32448766e-02 8.20655152e-02 4.40434329e-02
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1,501 | 1,502 | Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear. | [ 3.70448977e-02 1.60017703e-02 4.99994345e-02 1.26310308e-02
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1,502 | 1,503 | We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, "Good for him." | [-2.22678445e-02 9.95622352e-02 2.67544817e-02 1.32753626e-01
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1,505 | 1,506 | Me: I'm having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That's the first thing I tried. I'm not an idiot. | [-2.52916515e-02 1.00981064e-01 6.70056194e-02 1.77400582e-03
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1,506 | 1,507 | Mary had a little lamb. ...and she was delicious! | [-3.73790376e-02 3.03860158e-02 3.75796705e-02 9.77412686e-02
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1,507 | 1,508 | I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. | [-4.18510959e-02 -3.95667590e-02 5.30917570e-02 5.74812964e-02
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1,508 | 1,509 | Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb. | [ 2.06962395e-02 5.80841117e-02 2.26001050e-02 3.49090137e-02
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1,509 | 1,510 | Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey! | [ 1.64998341e-02 5.70911216e-03 -1.35511812e-02 7.56531060e-02
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1,510 | 1,511 | What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches | [-7.10427463e-02 -5.95379695e-02 -1.38819749e-02 4.29431126e-02
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1,511 | 1,512 | * Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER! | [ 3.69239077e-02 4.57426868e-02 4.07678867e-03 -1.29731819e-02
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1,512 | 1,513 | technically speaking being gay used to make me happy | [ 2.70446856e-02 5.90920895e-02 1.65592210e-04 7.77363405e-02
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1,513 | 1,514 | If George Washington were alive today... he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently. | [-4.01839130e-02 9.77503136e-02 4.82202619e-02 -1.75539274e-02
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1,514 | 1,515 | There was a kidnapping at school! It's ok though, he woke up. | [ 5.77150425e-03 1.26466647e-01 -4.06700745e-03 3.15521620e-02
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1,515 | 1,516 | Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking! | [-7.47561902e-02 8.15366134e-02 6.97692633e-02 -4.25024256e-02
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1,518 | 1,519 | Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture. So I guess you could say I'm like a child whisperer. | [-4.67407815e-02 -5.33997901e-02 9.14633051e-02 -3.42390640e-03
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1,519 | 1,520 | What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. | [-3.77393216e-02 -6.41441643e-02 -2.88759992e-02 -2.41503436e-02
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1,520 | 1,521 | A racist man laments... If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign. | [-4.09423299e-02 8.57172534e-02 -3.46779227e-02 6.49730116e-02
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1,521 | 1,522 | JOHN AND MARY'S SEX DISCOVERY | [-1.42057851e-01 3.16916555e-02 3.10118292e-02 6.09560907e-02
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1,522 | 1,523 | My dad told a lame joke today I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes. His replay was - I made you didn't I? | [ 5.10274386e-03 -3.05276178e-02 2.43904535e-03 -4.70713340e-02
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1,523 | 1,524 | Today a girl kissed me I just wish that I could post this in another subreddit :( | [-9.99207199e-02 -8.65890980e-02 5.22294678e-02 -4.71819416e-02
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1,524 | 1,525 | Two part joke Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree? A. He paints his balls red. Q. What's the loudest sound in Africa? A. Giraffes eating apples. | [ 2.37725582e-02 2.29780134e-02 4.31234129e-02 6.48990795e-02
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1,525 | 1,526 | Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand! | [-4.60156277e-02 6.36404604e-02 5.09011447e-02 1.42104877e-02
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1,526 | 1,527 | Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry. | [-7.52988756e-02 5.51179275e-02 -1.10339858e-02 1.11586796e-02
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1,527 | 1,528 | What did the testicle say to the other testicle? "Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas! | [-4.22870703e-02 3.19830403e-02 -3.92610058e-02 1.35748007e-03
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1,528 | 1,529 | Don't forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them. | [-3.26138875e-03 -8.45152326e-03 1.01177655e-01 -1.08577214e-01
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1,529 | 1,530 | "C'mon, your relationship isn't *that* serious." - Las Vegas | [ 2.83265933e-02 3.48979719e-02 -4.19310108e-02 6.75775111e-02
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1,530 | 1,531 | Never been to the blindfold shooting range? You don't know what you're missing. | [ 8.91567916e-02 -6.59498945e-02 -1.42020350e-02 4.72194254e-02
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1,531 | 1,532 | After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician. | [ 9.27833188e-03 1.91603042e-02 -6.02725614e-03 -7.54877329e-02
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1,532 | 1,533 | Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent. | [ 1.41048189e-02 1.60134601e-04 -7.52949640e-02 -3.98838744e-02
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1,533 | 1,534 | In the news, two nuts walked through Central Park today... One was a salted. | [ 3.50542031e-02 3.09158284e-02 9.42191780e-02 3.29083838e-02
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1,534 | 1,535 | Yo momma is so fat her butt is the butt of every joke. | [-3.37403454e-03 -9.52397883e-02 -3.62097025e-02 4.55768667e-02
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1,535 | 1,536 | What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle | [ 2.82281283e-02 -2.77190320e-02 -4.25021499e-02 2.49492493e-03
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1,536 | 1,537 | Knock knock. Who's there? Bob. Bob who? Bob Jones. | [-3.71009484e-02 2.08660495e-02 -3.31206061e-02 -7.83856306e-03
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1,537 | 1,538 | Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree? | [ 6.54570409e-04 2.84358300e-02 3.83249149e-02 -2.72070691e-02
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1,538 | 1,539 | Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime? He logged a lot of hours. | [-2.98964269e-02 1.79319791e-02 1.51291415e-02 3.93400677e-02
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1,539 | 1,540 | I ate everything, including the H. | [ 2.87498273e-02 4.63027023e-02 6.86361864e-02 5.44829443e-02
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1,540 | 1,541 | Boaz must've been one hell of a roaster before he got married. Because he was Ruthless. | [ 1.21662198e-02 7.43099526e-02 -3.73177677e-02 6.69530407e-02
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1,541 | 1,542 | Q: What is a 'forum'? A: Two-um plus two-um. | [ 4.35715653e-02 -8.92925188e-02 -4.72205654e-02 -4.46588323e-02
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1,542 | 1,543 | If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut. | [-5.28018689e-03 -5.35595836e-03 4.80855927e-02 4.74777743e-02
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1,543 | 1,544 | How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready teddy go ! | [ 1.19983917e-02 -1.71722714e-02 4.78802994e-02 4.62454595e-02
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1,544 | 1,545 | [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup? | [ 6.00294098e-02 2.30952799e-02 1.57387201e-02 4.10756581e-02
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1,545 | 1,546 | What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent | [ 2.74725980e-03 7.63969049e-02 -8.77121612e-02 3.05905975e-02
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1,546 | 1,547 | Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet | [ 3.98979289e-03 3.57068293e-02 6.39589429e-02 -7.87064508e-02
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1,547 | 1,548 | I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather. They call him the Raining Champion. | [ 2.78147473e-03 2.62145922e-02 6.83725476e-02 4.16059569e-02
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1,548 | 1,549 | What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis | [ 2.64332630e-03 5.22036031e-02 -4.35116775e-02 4.46048863e-02
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1,549 | 1,550 | My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up. | [ 1.29608080e-01 9.52582285e-02 -2.43390892e-02 -4.83600385e-02
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1,550 | 1,551 | Sandpaper I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit. | [ 1.37295900e-02 1.00326747e-01 4.59461808e-02 -6.55996874e-02
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1,551 | 1,552 | What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea? Getting the news from your dentist | [ 4.06966023e-02 1.72207318e-02 -5.41569330e-02 5.32797985e-02
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1,552 | 1,553 | *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me | [-4.77380529e-02 -1.40305758e-02 3.94478068e-03 3.11275180e-02
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1,553 | 1,554 | The Samsung Galaxy S6... The Samsung Galaxy S6 has a worse memory loss than your grandmother's Alzheimer [First joke, go easy, pretty please?] | [-4.56768312e-02 5.41119874e-02 3.68395224e-02 2.64332909e-02
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1,554 | 1,555 | What's so good about having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them. | [ 2.80712508e-02 7.99009651e-02 1.82743918e-03 -3.35203893e-02
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1,555 | 1,556 | I slept in my sons crib last night I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. | [ 2.83130705e-02 7.33975619e-02 -3.00961100e-02 4.75006290e-02
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1,558 | 1,559 | What do you call a snail in the sea? A snailor. | [-1.71573889e-02 1.12921447e-01 1.04731983e-02 1.30478689e-03
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1,559 | 1,560 | Two cosplayers break up... When asked why, one said "I don't know who he is anymore!" | [-5.56020439e-02 -6.34157509e-02 7.71892816e-02 -1.40341604e-02
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1,560 | 1,561 | Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent | [ 8.18260759e-03 1.36261821e-01 -6.61352277e-02 3.85203883e-02
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1,561 | 1,562 | Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at a captcha or a text from my mom. | [ 4.90698218e-03 -6.08133301e-02 1.15578650e-02 -3.44727710e-02
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1,562 | 1,563 | I named my eraser Confidence... Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make. | [-8.41468573e-02 2.73756571e-02 5.24162762e-02 6.99582621e-02
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1,563 | 1,564 | Quitting smoking is really easy... I've done it like 100 times already | [ 4.77065518e-02 4.91434895e-02 4.56251837e-02 1.14022736e-02
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1,564 | 1,565 | I can count on one hand the number of times I've visited Chernobyl... it's 14 | [ 9.85375270e-02 2.33244170e-02 3.20858657e-02 7.26813972e-02
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1,565 | 1,566 | At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible. | [ 5.00745103e-02 -3.66818607e-02 3.36147361e-02 3.25142294e-02
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1,566 | 1,567 | What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery. | [ 4.55179699e-02 7.57582486e-02 -6.40695989e-02 -8.86062160e-03
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1,567 | 1,568 | What did the spy say at the glass beach? *The coast is clear* | [-4.41961922e-04 7.73587972e-02 4.97404225e-02 -1.41659344e-04
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1,568 | 1,569 | My Wife made me choose between her, and my Love of Pointing out Doors "If you want to leave" I told her, "There's the Door" | [ 2.43879557e-02 -1.26842735e-03 8.68108496e-02 5.81658334e-02
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1,570 | 1,571 | Me: So, you come here often? Him: .....we're in my house. | [ 6.67635798e-02 2.29226761e-02 3.57536077e-02 -1.71305183e-02
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1,571 | 1,572 | What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick. | [-1.68019906e-02 9.87173710e-03 5.68163209e-02 1.06219891e-02
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1,572 | 1,573 | My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery. | [-6.89597949e-02 1.45609185e-01 4.37819809e-02 -4.11602296e-03
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1,573 | 1,574 | How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family | [-1.25938263e-02 2.66510192e-02 4.80126105e-02 -2.58584712e-02
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1,574 | 1,575 | Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then | [-3.15015553e-03 -2.59212032e-02 6.04919270e-02 -1.23114973e-01
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1,575 | 1,576 | "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother." | [-3.01457439e-02 1.23135298e-01 2.08482929e-02 5.17140422e-03
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1,576 | 1,577 | My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. | [-8.29730034e-02 1.15801901e-01 -2.72505116e-02 -6.35254830e-02
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1,577 | 1,578 | Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around. | [-6.95433617e-02 -4.84933741e-02 3.73529680e-02 -4.00003083e-02
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1,578 | 1,579 | The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother. | [-1.88873708e-02 4.92650867e-02 -8.74954239e-02 1.08764760e-01
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1,579 | 1,580 | What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short. | [ 5.54755591e-02 -3.91263440e-02 -1.47442017e-02 5.92128597e-02
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1,581 | 1,582 | Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let's beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD | [ 3.80732529e-02 -4.78127114e-02 5.12094535e-02 -5.49015263e-03
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1,582 | 1,583 | I'm 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do? | [-7.25409854e-03 5.68202347e-04 -1.39243510e-02 -1.54291447e-02
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1,583 | 1,584 | Two Fish there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said do you know how to drive this thing BECAUSE THE FISH ARE DRIVEING THE TANK IN A WAR | [-2.71536522e-02 6.13033958e-02 -3.78788672e-02 4.18882594e-02
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1,584 | 1,585 | What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you ! | [-2.84548812e-02 6.89664036e-02 -7.70968199e-03 4.63168398e-02
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1,585 | 1,586 | I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week Needless to say, You need to come early | [ 2.07064603e-03 -6.87385276e-02 -2.72809947e-03 4.97589894e-02
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1,586 | 1,587 | Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill. | [ 8.99369176e-03 8.35908297e-03 7.50296097e-03 -3.08184866e-02
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1,587 | 1,588 | Why is milk so fast? Because it's pasteurized before you see it! | [ 1.41593963e-02 -1.27623096e-01 1.03427842e-02 1.81167908e-02
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1,588 | 1,589 | What happened to the trapeze artist that did drugs on the job? He got suspended. | [-1.18954740e-02 1.51354615e-02 -1.14415409e-02 4.29607108e-02
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1,589 | 1,590 | If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon. | [ 7.78113678e-02 8.21447894e-02 2.72732209e-02 9.36422683e-03
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1,590 | 1,591 | i once heard that in the old days, you received a last name based on your profession. if so, what the hell was John Hancock's career? | [-6.64645284e-02 5.40493689e-02 3.61362211e-02 -1.31938336e-02
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1,592 | 1,593 | How did the man find out his sister was actually his half-sister? He saw her penis | [ 1.19765883e-03 9.89822075e-02 -6.09742031e-02 3.89801860e-02
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1,594 | 1,595 | What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns. | [ 3.65813226e-02 8.97431895e-02 -1.25417290e-02 5.21249063e-02
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1,595 | 1,596 | Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza! | [ 1.45733193e-03 9.99013036e-02 5.93242049e-02 6.56436458e-02
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1,596 | 1,597 | What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little. | [ 2.55799610e-02 3.26299146e-02 1.30169354e-02 -9.49697010e-03
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1,597 | 1,598 | If you want to get your beer cold out in the wilds Look for the cool ants. | [ 6.07914804e-03 3.83251272e-02 -2.68362928e-02 4.11218219e-02
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1,598 | 1,599 | Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it's actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us. | [ 7.38263503e-02 -1.40273515e-02 9.13851857e-02 1.58034470e-02
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1,599 | 1,600 | Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered. | [ 4.53505386e-03 4.22113948e-02 3.79448831e-02 2.19693761e-02
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2.17749383e-02 7.86779448e-02 1.52201978e-02 3.35418172e-02
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4.10963371e-02 4.83566970e-02 4.88881133e-02 -1.80571966e-08
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4.93796468e-02 6.92017153e-02 5.87776825e-02 2.18888298e-02
1.59670845e-01 -6.55625910e-02 -8.59603509e-02 6.27609789e-02
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3.88845019e-02 -5.93035035e-02 1.19293109e-02 7.54339546e-02
2.00861190e-02 8.12293366e-02 7.64882844e-03 -4.41072844e-02
3.15149911e-02 2.29644030e-02 -8.68698284e-02 -4.01633754e-02
-8.45473409e-02 3.41347605e-02 -3.24486457e-02 -1.09956600e-02
7.65732527e-02 2.42375731e-02 -1.79158710e-02 3.62414215e-03
-3.67267169e-02 3.36370803e-02 7.85400122e-02 3.35735381e-02
2.48244908e-02 4.06520404e-02 7.41920108e-03 -2.41146106e-02
3.53071839e-02 1.81387842e-03 4.74655069e-02 -6.53466582e-02
4.10695598e-02 4.93507879e-03 5.36717614e-03 -2.52061952e-02] |
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