ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
1,301	Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, asshole.
1,302	HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP
1,303	Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off !
1,304	Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
1,305	You know you're too drunk to drive when... The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.
1,306	Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.
1,307	When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"
1,308	I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way
1,309	Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys.
1,310	After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.
1,311	Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
1,312	A guy walked up to my bar. He said, "Can I have a stiff drink?" "Of course," I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.
1,313	The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.
1,314	remember: knives and alcohol don't mix. knives are solid they don't mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
1,315	Tourist in America I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.
1,316	Why do felines always win board games? Because they are cheetahs.
1,317	Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
1,318	What did the sardine call the submarine ? A can of people !
1,319	We could hit every terrorist on the Most Wanted List tomorrow, if we turned it over to Google's ad department.
1,320	A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
1,321	Why does 71 like 68? Because 68 69 70.
1,322	It must be Monday somewhere.
1,323	Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
1,324	We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons.
1,325	How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it.
1,326	The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
1,327	pulls out earbud What? "We need to talk." pulls out earbud "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." pulls out earbud No way
1,328	Barbie comes with GI Joe She only fakes it with Ken. Saw plenty of pregnant Barbie jokes in this sub-reddit, but not this one.
1,329	The economy is doing really bad... Its so bad that when Bill and Hillary Clinton travel, they have to share a room.
1,330	What's the smartest animal on the farm? The farmer (this killed my 12yo brothers)
1,331	Why don't north Koreans listen to funk? Cos they've got no Seoul! Thank you very much.
1,332	LIGHTHOUSE BATMAN - You call? L/HOUSE KEEPER - Shit, not again man. I am so sorry. BATMAN - Dead seagull on the light? LK -Nods
1,333	I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns. Comet me bro.
1,334	What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar? I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
1,335	Tom Cruise Jokes, Anyone?
1,336	What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic
1,337	How do mathematicians count x-men? Permutations.
1,338	My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
1,339	How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
1,340	I'm Winston Wolf, I fix problems. So I hear you're having a bad hair day.
1,341	What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? [NSFW] I wouldn't pay five hundred dollars to have a lentil on my face.
1,342	Monday Morning......Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.
1,343	What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.
1,344	Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove.
1,345	My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch
1,346	I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
1,347	What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis.
1,348	8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom.
1,349	What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador
1,350	What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry
1,351	What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk? A dead bird.
1,352	What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.
1,353	Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.
1,354	I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word "Late" on all my papers.
1,355	Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently
1,356	I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
1,357	it is hard to b scared of a angry person once u realize that they just wanted to tie a knot but insted of using string they used their arms
1,358	What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink
1,359	Sneaks into men's toilets I HEAR THERE'S CAKE IN HERE
1,360	A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don't know, CAN you?
1,361	When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
1,362	A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!"
1,363	[interview] Your resume says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
1,364	What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite!
1,365	Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
1,366	A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
1,367	Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.
1,368	Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
1,369	Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.
1,370	Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure but certainly rings a bell.
1,371	If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity She treated me well at the strip club
1,372	I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
1,373	A Zach Galifinakis-style "impression" joke. The character I'm working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred... <regular voice>: Ahem... I mean hey Alfred
1,374	What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
1,375	If two pharaohs farted at the same time They would have a toot in common
1,376	How did the sad clown smile and laugh again? They told him his wife died recently.
1,377	Two cookies were walking across the road... ... one gets hit by a car, the other one says "ah crumbs..."
1,378	What's the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
1,379	What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE
1,380	A woman in her seventies overhearing that I was a tattoo artist asked if I wanted to see her "rat" tattoo. I said sure. She revealed a bare hip and said "Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it"
1,381	Don't let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
1,382	I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters.
1,383	That one. "that one." says a booy. "what do you mean?" says another boy. "oh, i was just answering your question." "what question?" "i already told you."
1,384	Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again.
1,385	What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!
1,386	Need jokes with the same punchline as this. Help! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
1,387	A grasshopper sits at the bar... ...and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
1,388	Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.
1,389	You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died.
1,390	Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery
1,391	People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to people
1,392	I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said "Your days are numbered"
1,393	The Unabomber What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.
1,394	Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.
1,395	Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: completes graduation gets a job gets married gets old dies
1,396	"i want to love you, but i have crust issues." -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself
1,397	I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
1,398	We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
1,399	Hide a Body? What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
1,400	Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife "promised" she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I'm livid.

1,301

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*.

1,302

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP

1,303

Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off !

1,304

Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

1,305

You know you're too drunk to drive when... The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.

1,306

Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.

1,307

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"

1,308

I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way

1,309

Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys.

1,310

After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.

1,311

Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"

1,312

A guy walked up to my bar. He said, "Can I have a stiff drink?" "Of course," I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.

1,313

The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.

1,314

remember: knives and alcohol don't mix. knives are solid they don't mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

1,315

Tourist in America I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.

1,316

Why do felines always win board games? Because they are cheetahs.

1,317

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

1,318

What did the sardine call the submarine ? A can of people !

1,319

We could hit every terrorist on the Most Wanted List tomorrow, if we turned it over to Google's ad department.

1,320

A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

1,321

Why does 71 like 68? Because 68 69 70.

1,322

It must be Monday somewhere.

1,323

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

1,324

We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons.

1,325

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it.

1,326

The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".

1,327

*pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

1,328

Barbie comes with GI Joe She only fakes it with Ken. Saw plenty of pregnant Barbie jokes in this sub-reddit, but not this one.

1,329

The economy is doing really bad... Its so bad that when Bill and Hillary Clinton travel, they have to share a room.

1,330

What's the smartest animal on the farm? The farmer (this killed my 12yo brothers)

1,331

Why don't north Koreans listen to funk? Cos they've got no Seoul! Thank you very much.

1,332

*LIGHTHOUSE* BATMAN - You call? L/HOUSE KEEPER - Shit, not again man. I am so sorry. BATMAN - Dead seagull on the light? LK -*Nods*

1,333

I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns. Comet me bro.

1,334

What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar? I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

1,335

Tom Cruise Jokes, Anyone?

1,336

What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic

1,337

How do mathematicians count x-men? Permutations.

1,338

My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

1,339

How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

1,340

I'm Winston Wolf, I fix problems. So I hear you're having a bad hair day.

1,341

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? [NSFW] I wouldn't pay five hundred dollars to have a lentil on my face.

1,342

Monday Morning......Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.

1,343

What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.

1,344

Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove.

1,345

My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch

1,346

I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

1,347

What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis.

1,348

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom.

1,349

What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador

1,350

What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry

1,351

What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk? A dead bird.

1,352

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

1,353

Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.

1,354

I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word "Late" on all my papers.

1,355

Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently

1,356

I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

1,357

it is hard to b scared of a angry person once u realize that they just wanted to tie a knot but insted of using string they used their arms

1,358

What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink

1,359

*Sneaks into men's toilets* I HEAR THERE'S CAKE IN HERE

1,360

A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don't know, CAN you?

1,361

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

1,362

A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!"

1,363

[interview] Your resume says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

1,364

What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite!

1,365

Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

1,366

A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away

1,367

Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

1,368

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.

1,369

Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.

1,370

Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure but certainly rings a bell.

1,371

If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity She treated me well at the strip club

1,372

I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

1,373

A Zach Galifinakis-style "impression" joke. The character I'm working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred... <regular voice>: Ahem... I mean hey Alfred

1,374

What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

1,375

If two pharaohs farted at the same time They would have a toot in common

1,376

How did the sad clown smile and laugh again? They told him his wife died recently.

1,377

Two cookies were walking across the road... ... one gets hit by a car, the other one says "ah crumbs..."

1,378

What's the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

1,379

What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE

1,380

A woman in her seventies overhearing that I was a tattoo artist asked if I wanted to see her "rat" tattoo. I said sure. She revealed a bare hip and said "Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it"

1,381

Don't let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

1,382

I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters.

1,383

That one. "that one." says a booy. "what do you mean?" says another boy. "oh, i was just answering your question." "what question?" "i already told you."

1,384

Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again.

1,385

What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!

1,386

Need jokes with the same punchline as this. Help! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

1,387

A grasshopper sits at the bar... ...and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

1,388

Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.

1,389

You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died.

1,390

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery

1,391

People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to people

1,392

I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said "Your days are numbered"

1,393

The Unabomber What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.

1,394

Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.

1,395

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

1,396

"i want to love you, but i have crust issues." -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself

1,397

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

1,398

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

1,399

Hide a Body? What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

1,400

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife "promised" she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I'm livid.