ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
1,101	I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
1,102	How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
1,103	I'm pretty sick right now. You could say I'm feeling like Charles Lindbergh... Because I got the flu
1,104	What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket? Is that you, coffin?
1,105	I think it's been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler... Yoda is dead
1,106	In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
1,107	What's the Difference between like, love and showing off?? Spit, Swallow and Gargle
1,108	Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
1,109	Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
1,110	How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder.
1,111	have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud
1,112	What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs? Banner.
1,113	What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
1,114	What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
1,115	do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them?
1,116	What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.
1,117	Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.
1,118	A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.
1,119	someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they're not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
1,120	whats the secret service of Australia called? M8
1,121	I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can't get it to wake up.
1,122	What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd
1,123	i'm a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms
1,124	I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.
1,125	gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.
1,126	As a kid I was forced to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog
1,127	experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner
1,128	I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )
1,129	CNN: We're not sure but we'll report it anyway.
1,130	My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.
1,131	You smell like trash..... Can I take you out?
1,132	Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
1,133	What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized
1,134	Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.
1,135	If women can do anything that men can do, then why haven't they ever suppressed an entire gender before? Its a joke lady's.
1,136	Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
1,137	I saw my first porn yesterday I was so young back then....
1,138	Never buying anything home-made on eBay again... I bought an 'Irony Detector' off of eBay, but it was broken. It detected everything but irony...
1,139	What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit? In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are.
1,140	Person one: Do you know that joke about the no and the me neither? Person 2: No? Person 1: Me Neither. Person 1: You didnt get it? Person 2: No Person 1: Me neither
1,141	Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.
1,142	How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?? A Brazilian
1,143	Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both
1,144	What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces
1,145	How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
1,146	What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich
1,147	I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable.
1,148	What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint
1,149	In god we trust Everyone else must pay cash
1,150	Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.
1,151	My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe..........
1,152	A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."
1,153	Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist....basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.
1,154	Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He's out standing in his field.
1,155	What kind of computer can sing? A Dell.
1,156	There are two hats on a hanger... The broken one says to the other: "You go on a head..."
1,157	What's the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up
1,158	Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion.
1,159	What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
1,160	What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with? An alarm, you pervert!
1,161	My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter.
1,162	What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat? An investigator.
1,163	I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
1,164	They say a woman's work is never done that's probably why they get paid less
1,165	What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend? Rip in peace
1,166	"Here's your cup of Joe" - Joe at the sperm bank
1,167	Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
1,168	I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."
1,169	What do you call a nomadic caveman? A meanderthal.
1,170	"I had the worst Cruise ever." - Katie Holmes
1,171	Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they're funny on many levels.
1,172	Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.
1,173	I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral.
1,174	Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics... One turns to the other and says, 'Quark Quark' The other says, I'll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks'.
1,175	Even reddit goes down more often... than my girlfriend.
1,176	What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
1,177	My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
1,178	Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says "Give me the soap". The second one says "no soap. radio".
1,179	How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.
1,180	My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like
1,181	Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.
1,182	Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag
1,183	Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".
1,184	A Roman guy walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please!"
1,185	TIL the musical group Ace of Base was killed in a horrific traffic accident after they missed their exit on the highway and crashed... Police later said, "they didn't see the sign..."
1,186	damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT butt pulls out a knife wait, no- butt stabs me no, stop- butt doesn't stop ...et tu, bootay
1,187	The thing about boats... If we don't bow, everyone gets stern.
1,188	Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
1,189	Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
1,190	Bet I could breathe more air than you, bro
1,191	My uncle performed circumcisions... He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.
1,192	I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents.
1,193	Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.
1,194	Did you hear that the North American Man/Boy Love Association go a new tech support guy? He's an e-NAMBLA.
1,195	What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe? Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you
1,196	New TomTom voice over I got a new TomTom and changed his voice to Chewbacca. Left is BRRRRRRRRRRR and right is BRRRRRRRRRRR And when I'm at my distination : i still dont know
1,197	My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
1,198	I like my women like I like my M.C. Escher paintings Impossibly proportioned
1,199	Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
1,200	My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was positive.

1,101

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

1,102

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

1,103

I'm pretty sick right now. You could say I'm feeling like Charles Lindbergh... Because I got the flu

1,104

What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket? Is that you, coffin?

1,105

I think it's been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler... Yoda is dead

1,106

In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.

1,107

What's the Difference between like, love and showing off?? Spit, Swallow and Gargle

1,108

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

1,109

Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.

1,110

How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder.

1,111

have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud

1,112

What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs? Banner.

1,113

What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.

1,114

What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.

1,115

do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them?

1,116

What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.

1,117

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.

1,118

A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.

1,119

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they're not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

1,120

whats the secret service of Australia called? M8

1,121

I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can't get it to wake up.

1,122

What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd

1,123

i'm a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms

1,124

I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.

1,125

gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.

1,126

As a kid I was forced to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog

1,127

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

1,128

I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )

1,129

CNN: We're not sure but we'll report it anyway.

1,130

My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.

1,131

You smell like trash..... Can I take you out?

1,132

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

1,133

What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized

1,134

Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.

1,135

If women can do anything that men can do, then why haven't they ever suppressed an entire gender before? Its a joke lady's.

1,136

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

1,137

I saw my first porn yesterday I was so young back then....

1,138

Never buying anything home-made on eBay again... I bought an 'Irony Detector' off of eBay, but it was broken. It detected everything *but* irony...

1,139

What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit? In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are.

1,140

Person one: Do you know that joke about the no and the me neither? Person 2: No? Person 1: Me Neither. Person 1: You didnt get it? Person 2: No Person 1: Me neither

1,141

Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.

1,142

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?? A Brazilian

1,143

Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both

1,144

What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces

1,145

How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

1,146

What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich

1,147

I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable.

1,148

What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint

1,149

In god we trust Everyone else must pay cash

1,150

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.

1,151

My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe..........

1,152

A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."

1,153

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist....basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

1,154

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He's out standing in his field.

1,155

What kind of computer can sing? A Dell.

1,156

There are two hats on a hanger... The broken one says to the other: "You go on a head..."

1,157

What's the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up

1,158

Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion.

1,159

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.

1,160

What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with? An alarm, you pervert!

1,161

My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter.

1,162

What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat? An investigator.

1,163

I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters

1,164

They say a woman's work is never done that's probably why they get paid less

1,165

What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend? Rip in peace

1,166

"Here's your cup of Joe" - Joe at the sperm bank

1,167

Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

1,168

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

1,169

What do you call a nomadic caveman? A meanderthal.

1,170

"I had the worst Cruise ever." - Katie Holmes

1,171

Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they're funny on many levels.

1,172

Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.

1,173

I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral.

1,174

Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics... One turns to the other and says, 'Quark Quark' The other says, I'll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks'.

1,175

Even reddit goes down more often... than my girlfriend.

1,176

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

1,177

My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.

1,178

Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says "Give me the soap". The second one says "no soap. radio".

1,179

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

1,180

My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like

1,181

Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.

1,182

Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

1,183

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".

1,184

A Roman guy walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please!"

1,185

TIL the musical group Ace of Base was killed in a horrific traffic accident after they missed their exit on the highway and crashed... Police later said, "they didn't see the sign..."

1,186

damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn't stop* ...et tu, bootay

1,187

The thing about boats... If we don't bow, everyone gets stern.

1,188

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

1,189

Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.

1,190

Bet I could breathe more air than you, bro

1,191

My uncle performed circumcisions... He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.

1,192

I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents.

1,193

Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

1,194

Did you hear that the North American Man/Boy Love Association go a new tech support guy? He's an e-NAMBLA.

1,195

What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe? Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you

1,196

New TomTom voice over I got a new TomTom and changed his voice to Chewbacca. Left is BRRRRRRRRRRR and right is BRRRRRRRRRRR And when I'm at my distination : i still dont know

1,197

My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"

1,198

I like my women like I like my M.C. Escher paintings Impossibly proportioned

1,199

Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

1,200

My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.